Flash Forward: The Janis Show 2

Tonight it’s all Janis, all the time. Not that I’m complaining. It could be Bryce-Nicole Date Night again.

We open this week on some group jogging, as if psychic visions of the future and extreme science experiments weren’t far enough outside my comfort zone. Damnit, FlashForward, I watch TV to FORGET how many tacos I ate last night.

Voice-over Janis says that this is the Yellow Brick Road, a six-mile FBI obstacle course and a bitterly ironic literary reference all rolled into one. She says she was just a lawyer and this was never her forte, but Demetri pushed her to do it. There’s also a hilarious scene of him telling her not to be a girl and her telling him not to be a bitch. Ah, happier times.

We’re back to two years before the Black-Out. This show has become less about flashforwards and more about flashbacks, strangely. Janis is talking to someone named Lita and her cleavage about all the FBI stuff and Lita says she’s a headhunter. Janis gives the creepiest laugh ever and Lita continues to dance around the whole ‘mole’ thing. We really needed a flashback for this?

Why, hello there.

Back in the present, we’re examining the files that the dearly-departed Frost had on him. Mark also adds the thing that Frost said right before his death (“you’re going to be saved by the lady you see every day”), who in my case would be that chick that works nights down at the liquor store. Agent Vogel has taken time from his schedule to be here tonight and literally within the first thirty seconds we see him he reminds us that, yes, he is still a huge douche.

Just looking at this picture makes me mad.

He goes on and on about how much they suck for letting Frost get killed by someone they had already captured, blah blah blah. We were all there, Vogel. Let’s leave the recapping to the pros, mmk? Mark is all like, hey, we freaking saved Demetri, but Vogel has no interest in Demetri if he isn’t beating him up in a railyard. Janis sends the boys to timeout and tells them to get back to work. Man, I bet having a mole is a huge boon towards keeping a project focused. You can’t sabotage/report on operations that keep getting sidetracked by testosterone.

Vogel isn’t even interested in the drawings, which is super dumb because basically every minute thing Dyson did turned out to be important. And now it’s time for the assignments of the episode, which is fun because, as you hardcore FlashForward viewers know, these will all be based on extremely flimsy leads and it will be about ten minutes before everyone changes jobs to travel somewhere exotic and/or save Demetri’s life and/or make out with Olivia.

Back at the Binford homestead, Olivia is headed out for a busy day of doctoring and pretending that Bryce is interesting when she’s surprised by the savant that was talking to her at the clinic. Needless to say, it’s a goldmine of Olivia reaction shots.

These are like porn to me.

Also, thanks to FlashForward for making savant part of my vocabulary and helping me to be even more pretentious than I already was. All of my cognitive science lecture classmates would love to thank you in person.

So he’s babbling about a Pixies concert and a purple beret and spilling a drink on someone and then this wedding Olivia went to and he continues to insist he knows her. Also, his name is Gabriel. I forgot this because I hate it when this show introduces important information after the climax. I hated when my ex-wife did it, also. Hey-oh!

Olivia is still freaking out and says she’s going to get the FBI agent stationed outside, but then Gabriel says she should be married to Lloyd and he actually tried to stop her from marrying Mark but she doesn’t know that and she shouldn’t buy coffee from the man who looks like Mr. Clean. Sound advice in any environment, I suppose. I hate it when he spews out random yet probably relevant information so quickly like this! He’s like a recapper’s nightmare. Olivia calls for Dan (who must be a really crack agent) and Gabriel runs.

Janis’s doctor tells her she isn’t gaining enough weight and she needs to get an ultrasound to make sure the baby is OK. She frustratedly says she can’t believe this is happening right now. I just HATE it when my medical issues collide with my undercover agent duties. The life of the modern woman.

Olivia drives past an accident scene where a car (with a teen who was texting, so thanks for the built-in moral, show) flipped and smashed into a coffee stand. AND THE TOTALLY CRUSHED COFFEE-SELLER GUY LOOKS LIKE MR. CLEAN. This, of course, is another great chance to see Olivia reacting.

Does ANYONE else enjoy these? Anyone at all? There’s just something so awkward about her being shocked or surprised.

Two years before the Black-Out again. Janis is trying to buy some fish from Carlene, who’s awfully surly for someone in a service industry. The scene is so uncomfortable I can’t tell if Janis is trying to get the mole job or just really bad at interacting with retail persons.

To make matters worse, there’s a very strict return policy on that tank!

Carlene gives Janis the deluxe package, and I guess Janis’s hardcore deductive skills are acquired because Surly Carlene has to spell out for her that the fish tank is her cover. Janis, displaying all the maturity of a Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen film, protests that she doesn’t like fish. REALLY JANIS? I called you badass, why are you doing this to me? Between you and Amanda on Survivor, Thursday was not a good night for my (formerly) favorite television heroines.

According to a guy at the Getty back in the present, Frost’s photos are likely from around 1900-1917. And Alda’s prints were on them too! I’m assuming the guy from the Getty didn’t tell them that. There was also soil traces in the file that somehow are specific to Afghanistan. Thanks, Department of Agriculture!

FlashForward goes to such depressing places, between this place and Somalia and Indio, California.

Why, speaking of Afghanistan, Aaron is there right now! A guy who was sent by FBI Director comes over to Aaron in a bar and tries to get him to leave, but Aaron doesn’t want to. Uh, why? The contact says that the guys in the corner are plotting to kill him.

Back in the states, some professor of something or other is looking at the files and photos. He says that the drawings resemble those of this really advanced calculator that was found from second-century Greece. It calculated dates of solar eclipses, so it’s probably like the Mayan calender but with less big-budget film potential. He says he’ll take them and translate the Greek. This has been “Behind the Scenes at the FBI.”

Down at the pet shop, Carlene is looking over the copies of the files Janis gave her. She wants the original given to her and the copies destroyed immediately. THE PLOT, IT THICKENS. So Janis puts on her Sidney Bristow hat and breaks into the professor’s office.

-Cue Pink Panther music-

Won’t it be semi-obvious if she steals it from his office? Like, who else knew it was there? I feel like there has to be a better way to do this. She swipes the files and does this cool thing where she fries the computer and cuts power everywhere in the building. It’s, dare I say, badass?

THIS is the Janis I like.

Charlie annoys me immediately by turning down the offer of pizza from her mother because, think about when you were seven. Enough said. Also, sorry mom, I’ve had too much popcorn so I can’t have any pizza? Good parenting, Olivia. Content that her child is sufficiently stocked on junk food and television, she begins going through her photo albums. And what do you know, Gabriel HAS known her for a while.

Creepiest photo EVER.

Janis takes the copy of the file off Mark’s Mosaic board. But then he catches her! COMMERCIAL!!!

Janis spins this crazy story about how the expert needed another copy and she was an idiot and didn’t check the original into evidence and now she needs another one. Well played, Janis. And if you were as dumb two years ago as that pet shop scene leads us to believe, there’s some pretty good evidence to support your little tale of incompetance. Mark lets her go with a warning.

Olivia takes the pics to Reede and they talk about the Ravenriver connection. The most likely Ravenriver is a closed mental hospital. Oh good, I’m glad this is going to be as creepy as possible.

Aaron has magically avoided the murderous Afghanis and is now showing the contact a pic of Tracy. He also shows him a vaguely sexual-looking symbol that he remembers from his flashforward and the man identifies it as the sign of Eyes on the Mountain, an NGO medical relief group. The contact, who I really need to get a name on and who actually sounds kind of like he’s from Boston, says he knows how to avoid all roadblocks and they need to move immediately. This time, Aaron is right behind him.

Janis is getting her doctored-ordered ultrasound (more like a MOLtrasound) and the pleasingly-accented doctor tells her she needs to remove stress from her life. So if you’ve got any worries about money, or, say, a double life, just try and stay calm. Apparently this woman got her doctorate in dramatic irony because the rest of the conversation is ladden with it. Mark calls Janis up and confronts her with the sloppy robbery that I totally saw coming.

She heads down to the Bureau and gives THE least convincing performance ever. Like, I didn’t think it was possible for Janis to get more wooden, but apparently she’s been saving the big blandness for late in the season. Oh, but luckily the professor took pics of this obscure articfact drawing thingy! For some reason…

Flash back to the day of the Black-Out. ANALYSIS Janis is talking to Mark and Demetri in that car chase we already saw, except now we see Janis black out and fall down some stairs. And then throwing up. She runs down to the pet store and tells her Carlene she wants out (something I have also yelled in a pet store. Stupid fish.) but Carlene still won’t give her anything. She just tells Janis she’s in too deep already and she needs to man up and take it. It’s the same way I feel about this show now! Oh, I kid. Just the Bryce scenes.

“I said no refunds, bitch.”

Over at Ravenwood Creepy Hospital, Olivia comments on just how stereotypically scary this is. Hey, that’s my job! They just rip the board off the door and head on in. Aren’t there, like, a million liability problems with the FBI for Olivia being her? What exactly is her justification?

Reede, Shaggy, and Scooby will go one way, and Olivia, Freddy, Daphne, and Velma will go the other.

Oh good, a doll hanging from the ceiling. And some files. AND GABRIEL! He shows up in his one outfit and says she was always here. Gasp! Hurley/Libby intrigue!

Mark wants to know what’s wrong with Janis. REALLY? He can’t figure this out?? Janis blames her behavior on the pregnancy (it’s always SOMETHING with these women) and Mark says he always knew he could count on her. This episode is really ruining these characters for me, both with Mark’s lack of deduction and Janis’s lack of badassness. He speculates that she’s the lady he sees every day. Then it’s time for Dyson Frost, Reader’s Digest Version. Brilliant, chess, death. Then Mark gets an idea! He smashes the queen piece that they found after Frost faked his death and finds one of those rings! OMG! Because that’s a lady he sees every day! Even from the grave he’s an awesome villain!

Aaron is riding around Afghanistan and his contact says that he lost his family in the Black-Out. Not the worst way to go in the Middle East. They run into some kind of roadblock and, because the contact was just introduced this episode, he is of course instantly killed. Aaron makes a break for it, ducking behind the car and shooting back. Dude, there’s like twenty of them. Not looking good. But then more guys with guns show up and take out the FIRST set of guys with guns! And Aaron recognizes one of them as his friend from the flashforward!

I don’t know if it’s worse that this is such a stereotypical depiction of Afghanistan or if it’s actually a pretty realistic depiction of Afghanistan.

Over in Homicide Hospital, Gabriel says he saw all the things he’s been saying and leads them to this big room. He explains this is where they were experimented on, put to sleep and made to see things. Man, just when this show couldn’t get MORE sinister. And Dyson Frost was there too! Most influencial dead guy ever. So basically Reede puts together that these were flashforwards that they induced and then recorded the outcomes. Gabriel says they wanted to kill them all afterward, which explains the homeless guys death. Gabriel also says he always saw Olivia and always with Lloyd, because in those futures she went to Harvard and met him like they brought up twenty episodes ago. Wow, this is really cool. I don’t know how to make fun of answers.

FBI. Director looking skeptical of everything, Simon looking like he doesn’t even care Janis is a mole, Vogel looking like a jerk. Mark gives them the ring and reminds them that Subject 0 also had one, which is interesting because this is Simon. They explain that it’s a QED and then give a SCIENCE-Y explanation of the flashforward. So does Simon know that he’s Subject 0? I’m confused, even in the midst of this explanation blitz.

Two years before again. Jesus Christ, it’s called linearity. Either stay in one time or at least adopt a cool whooshing noise like Lost. Janis is meeting Vogel at some coffee shop. He tells her she’s CIA and she’s a target for hostile recruitment. Here she actually does a really good job of getting mad, but Vogel tells her she needs to be A MOLE! OMG! So she’s a double agent! Unless she’s a triple agent…freaking Janis. And then there’s a nice little montage of everything Janis has done this season, so it’s sort of like she just got voted off a reality show.

Now, she’s telling Carlene about the ring. Carlene wants the ring, goddamnit (I don’t doubt that no one has ever given her one before, if you know what I mean). Also, if it’s not too much trouble, could you kill Mark? mmk thanks.

WHERE DO JANIS’S LOYALTIES LIE???