[Editor's Note: As we look to expand the range of shows TVgasm covers, we are going to be trying out different writers to see what kind of feedback we get. Your favorites will get a chance at writing for TVgasm on a more permanent basis. Today's guest columnist is Jadedbitch, who is doing America's Next Top Model. E-mail us with any feedback or if you think you would like to write.]

We start off with Kelle the ugly duckling moaning on the phone to her father about the lack of
intensity in her eyes and her general bad looks. She then went on to whine, "Why do I have to
be black, daddy? WHY WHY WHY?" Well, not really. But if her father had been watching the show
for the past few weeks, he would've gotten the gist, along with the rest of America.

Meanwhile, Amanda the blind girl was busy cleaning the apartment, while chanting her own made-up mantra that went something along the lines of, "Trash, trash, trash. Trash, trash trash." Good one ladies - making the blind chick do the housework. Cassie, it was noted, was the messiest of the bunch.

Tyra then showed up and dove into bed with some of the girls. Norelle apparently enjoyed Tyra's body rubbing up against hers as a morning wake-up call but then I guess who wouldn't. Doing this proved Tyra was a "real person" as Norelle praised to the camera. Yeah, cause that's how real people look.

Following was a pep rally on body image, complete with guest plus-sized model, Kate Dillon. The sight of her made Tocarro drool like a plus-sized model at a Vegas buffet. "That's gonna be ME!" she shouted. The group then talked about eating disorders followed by Tyra's two cents that the girls needed to stay in shape and that their careers were temporary. But that's okay, if their modelling careers start to go downhill, they can always produce a reality television show or release a really bad R&B song.

Cassie revealed that she had thrown up in the past. This worried Tyra and the others, causing Kate Dillon to inform everyone that, "People with eating disorders are HARD CORE." Thank you Kate for that lovely piece of trivia.

Cassie then called up her boyfriend who sounded just as intelligent as Dullsville Jennipher's did the week before (re: not very). His responses included a well thought out, "Huh?" and "How?" and regarding her eating disorder, he replied with, "They know? Who?" Apparently he has been helping Cassie back home by holding her hair back over the toilet for her.

Cassie then went into the kitchen to make herself a batch of low carb brownies, creating a mess in the process. Do bulumic girls not know how to clean? I guess when you're in the middle of a binge, you don't have time to do the dishes when you're busy running to the closest bathroom. She-Man Ann decided to write "Clean Your Shit" in the brownies because in an apartment full of women, passive aggressiveness is just not their thing.

The whole brownie incident of course caused Cassie to run around asking everyone, "Did you finger my brownies?" Was I the only immature one here giggling at this? "Someone needs to tell me who stuck their fingers in my brownies!" Stop it, please! I'm close to tears here!

Later at dinner, Yaya sported a t-shirt that had the word Respect written on it in Portuguese. She claimed there was a lack of it in the house. A lack of respect? Or a lack of Portuguese? She then stated that some people thought that killing people was funny but it wasn't funny. No it is not, Yaya. Right on ya for pointing that one out.

Ann and Cassie had it out at the restaurant, aptly named "Teany." The climax of their argument consisted of Ann threatening to tattle on Cassie's bulumia to Miss Tyra. Cassie responded with a smile, a wink, and a shoulder shrug and said,"Actually, I already told her about it today." Ann then went so far as to say, "Good!" Wow, somebody hose these biatches down. Somebody clip their claws, this is just too ferocious for me! They should've kept the girl who started the bar fight in the season opener. Bar fight!! Boo yah!

Back at the apartment, the dishes kept piling up in the sink. Cassie complained that none of them were even hers, as the camera zoomed in on a soaking brownie dish.

The next day, the girls were sent to a Boot Camp inspired obstacle course. (Does anyone even remember this show?) It came complete with an eyebrow-plucked former Captain of the US Marines. Captain Leif Wade is the name he used for this show, and for the multiple gay porns he's starred in. She-Man Ann was the only one loving this GI Jane re-enactment. They wouldn't even let Blind Amanda use her seeing-eye cane! Cassie pouted and whined that she no longer wanted to be there anymore - not a wise thing to say as it will clearly get back to Tyra one way or another. She just lay down and took out a little ziplock bag of brownies.

The next "challenge" was a race up 14 flights of stairs. Did Tyra think this one up on her own? Hmm, what would make good television... I know! Let's have them run up some stairs! That'll have viewers captivated for at least five minutes! Ah, but the clincher was waiting for them at the top of the stairs: a surprise photo shoot. Everyone was extremely exhausted, and poor Eva nearly gagged. Her gagging noises caught the attention of Cassie, whose ears perked up as she thought she may have found a friend in the house finally! But alas, much like Ashlee Simpson, it was just acid reflux. The pictures of most of the girls came out looking like crack whore profiles. Yaya won the "race" and was rewarded with a facial. Eva said it best: "The person who needed a facial, got the facial."

The next morning, all arrived at an airplane hangar to meet up with Jay Manuel, who continues to look whiter and whiter as the season progresses. By the end of it he will definitely be a white man. The girls were lined up for an action shot for an energy drink, which involved jumping up and down on a giant trampoline. Why is it that whenever they cut to photos of Tyra, it never has anything to do with what the girls are going through? I thought we'd see Ms. Banks up in the air doing some crazy ass photo shoot, but no, it's just her. Standing there. Hair blowing in the wind. Again.

Kelle whined to Jay about him telling her she was good when in reality she was terrible. Jay just put his palm up and said, "Talk to the hand girlfriend!" while applying more bleach to his frosted hair.

Yaya avoided doing the dancer thing, which meant she just jumped up and down on a trampoline and ended up getting a shite picture. Kelle's tits popped out and she cried yet again about how ugly she was. Hon, if your boobs are out, I don't think anyone is looking at your face. Ann bloodied herself up, apparently still in GI Jane mode, but managed to put on that consistent I'm Ready To Give Head open-mouth look that she's now so famous for.

Janice Dickinson seems to be shrinking behind those monstrous lips of hers. Soon Tyra will be sitting next to an ad for the Rocky Horror Picture Show. They continue to insist she is the world's first supermodel. Isn't that actually an insult? Aren't they basically saying that she's a dinosaur? Collagenaurus Rex was her name.

In the end, Kelle was sent home. No longer will we have to watch as she stares into the mirror and cries at her face. No longer will we have to listen to how she grew up in an all-white neighbourhood, even though she's blacker than black itself. No more snout, no more platypus, no more "my face looks like a monkey!" Bye bye Kelle! And take your internalized hate-on with you!

Posted by at 4:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

We have curious minds here at TVgasm, and with all the recent embarrassing snafus on TV lately, we figured it was time to weigh in... again.

So today we have a simple question. Who had the biggest flop? Figure skater Tatiana Totmianina, Fidel Castro, or Ashlee Simpson?

Here are some videos to spur your memory (click on the images to play):

Posted by at 2:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

It's not often that Rhea Perlman serves as the high point in my night, but dammit, even our most frizzy-haired thespians deserve a moment in the TVgasm spotlight. The actress best known for her tenure as Carla Maria Victoria Angelina Teresa Apollonia Lozupone Tortelli LeBec on Cheers popped up on UPN's Kevin Hill this week, and I have to admit, the Diggs-Perlman chemistry was electric. No, not romantic chemistry. That's gross. Comedic chemistry. Rhea was surprisingly great as the straight woman to Taye's irresponsible bachelor father. She helped make this the best episode of an already solid freshman season. It was like Carla Lite, and I want more of it.

As usual, the episode centered around two stories - Kevin's personal dramas and a conveniently appropriate lawsuit to reflect them. Oh, and of course, Kevin grew as a person and as a father. Awww. In this week's life lesson, a tough-as-nails (assuming those nails had a perm) social worker in the form of Rhea Perlman plagued Kevin in an attempt to discern whether or not he's a fit father. Based on his inability to do simple things like take the baby to the doctor, I would say no. But based on that smile, man, Taye can do anything!

As the social worker grilled all of Kevin's friends and associates, our intrepid lawyer set to work defending a wealthy trust fund baby who happened to be squandering all her money on bad investments... Bad investments imparted to her from her dead father... as told through a psychic. Sounds like a case for the well groomed lawyers at Grey & Associates! With designer suits firmly in place, Kevin and Nicolette went off to court where they engaged in the world's shortest cross-examining techniques. Their lines of questioning sounded something like this: "Is it true that your daughter is a full fledged adult?" Mother: "Yes." Kevin: "No futher questions." (Reaction shots of mother looking confused, Nicolette looking pleasantly surprised, and the opposing lawyer looking peeved).

Meanwhile, outside the courtroom, Kevin was hard-pressed to find a pediatrician for his kid. He ultimately wound up at the office of his old flame, a children's doctor who was still smarting from their harsh breakup. When she told him that he was a child, Kevin went into a tailspin of self-reflection that apparently included donning an urban spacesuit and talking to his buddy, Dame. Eventually, Kevin returned to the bitter doctor and said that he just wanted to apologize for treating her so badly and he'll leave her alone now. Of course, this is Kevin Hill we're talking about here, so of course the doctor's anger melted away as she sweetly offered to give little Sarah a physical. One of these days Kevin is going to face a lesbian, and it's not going to be so easy to pull of these shenanigans.

Speaking of homosexuality, I'm making a plea to see more of Kevin's nanny, George. At first I thought he'd be more of a token gay character with little else to offer beyond Just Jack snappiness, but like many other elements of this show, there's actually a lot more there. Not that I don't appreciate his clever lines. The best line of this week's show occurred when Kevin doubted George's fashion tastes for a moment and the nanny simply replied with "Uh, gay!" (Runner up: when Kevin visited a fortune teller and said "Nice psychic-ing.")

Anyway, through all this chaos with Rhea Perlman and the trust fund baby and Michael Michelle wandering around as the grand Madame of the lawfirm, Kevin learned the valuable lesson that a father has to always provide a sense of security and love for his daughter, even when he's dead. In true form, an eloquent courtroom speech was had, Kevin won the case, and Nicolette was once again impressed. Fortunately for Kevin, Rhea Perlman just happened to sit in on the proceedings and darnit if his speech didn't just soften her heart. She deemed him to be a wonderful father and even gave him a picture frame to store photos of Sarah.

Okay, I might sound like I'm bashing the corniness or the predictability of this show, but in all fairness, Kevin Hill manages to handle all these plot devices with hardly an ounce of saccharine. Better yet, while the large strokes tend to be predictable (of course he'll get off the hook with Rhea Perlman, of course he'll win his court case and pull a life lesson from it), the actual plot and characters never move the way you expect it. People who are skipping Kevin Hill for the more heavy handed West Wing (or dare I say, Bachelor) are missing out on a real gem of a show. My only request: bring back Rhea.

Posted by at 11:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Another week, another smackdown in the boardroom. As the incompetent women of The Apprentice fall by the wayside one by one, it's become painstakingly clear that somewhere along the way a cruel casting director decided to exact his misogynistic rage on America. How else to explain the unbelievably embarrassing female representation of the business world this season? They might as well have just plucked a drunken wino from the 1-9 line and plopped her into the mix. Ooh, I would watch that actually. Note to self: pitch "Wino Apprentice" to NBC.

I know, I know. I shouldn't make fun of winos. But I can make fun of Maria and her giant explosion of a boutonniere back for a second week. Apparently she's still filming that secret video with the spy camera embedded in her oversized broche. Nevertheless, Maria chirped away to Raj as she described the tense scene in last week's board room. "There was some active conversation," she said quite euphemistically. I particularly enjoyed the little hand movements she used to demonstrate this point. It was like some bizarre hybrid of sign language and hand puppetry. I like to call it Maria-try. You may call it whatever you wish.

Anyway, as the group settled down to a non-Tex Mex dinner (thanks for the nasty tacos last week, Ivana), everyone pondered the board room results. The general consensus was that Andy would be going, and as we all know, the group always gets it wrong. Andy marched back into the apartment to a rousing hurrah - if that's what you call a cavalry of icy stares and Jen choking on her wine in shock. Sensing that he might just be a little unloved, Andy knew that he had to rise to the occasion the next day. Fortunately for him, he was the lucky person who got to answer that early morning phone call. Antsy Kelly waited on deck, just in case Andy somehow screwed it up. I know you like to manage everyone, Kelly, but even I think Andy can complete this simple phone-answering task.

Teams were told to wait by the apartment television for a very important message from Trump. When The Donald finally showed up on screen, we found him in his garish, gold plated jet with what appeared to be a 1970s Loveboat villain next to him. Just when we were wondering what could be going on, Trump informed everyone that he was flying down to South America for the Miss Universe pageant. "In fact, Bill Rancic, last year's winner, will be joining me," he added. Well isn't that grand? I sort of felt like The Donald was baiting people to ask him what else he'd be doing, to which he could reply "We'll be heading to the Four Seasons where I may or may not take a nap. Bill said he wants to check out the pool, but I told him it might not be such a good idea before the buffet, which is where we plan to have dinner. Later, Bill and I are going to a piano bar where we'll talk about the weather and such. It really will be such a lovely time."

Anyway, as Donald headed down to the Miss Universe pageant — a.k.a. his wife-scouting trip — the teams were told that they'd have to meet up with Donnie Deutsch who we previously met last year during the Marquis Jet marketing campaign mission. Of course, a year ago Donnie was trying to seem all cool and hip and happy. This time around it was like watching a 15 year old kid trying to act like dad as Donnie attempted some Donald Trump gravitas. Shut up Donnie Deutsch. Or Donnie "Douche" Deutsch as I like to call him (get it? The "douche" sounds like "Deutsch". Awesome, huh?). Anyway, teams learned they had to develop a marketing strategy to help recruit for the NYPD. A moment of dread pulsed through Team Mosaic as everyone feared Andy might opt for a crustacean angle. Maria meanwhile stood bored at the easel, clearly debating whether or not she could generate enough airpower to blow Andy away with super fast eye blinking. When that didn't work, she suggested a big, deep injection of sex appeal into the marketing. I'm not sure exactly how that angle would work. Maybe a tagline in the realm of "Want all the costumes of male strippers but without the horny bachelorettes? Be a cop!" Or maybe: "Be a cop. You'll get laid. A lot... Seriously."

Ahem, this was NOT part of my Home Economics minor

Things weren't going so great over at Apex either. Raj steadfastly endorsed a militaristic tone that seemed to say "THE TERRORISTS ARE HERE! GO HOME AND LOCK THE DOOR! (except you, 18-35 year old. You can join us)." To project manager Elizabeth's credit, she wanted a kinder, softer approach - an idea that was quickly shot down by Chris who noted that they were not making "a friggin' tampon commercial." At that point Elizabeth let out a sigh of relief and said "Ohhhhhh. This makes so much more sense now!" Actually, I have a great idea for the NYPD's marketing strategies. Why don't they put their cause on some highly rated reality program — like The Apprentice — and make it well known that they're desperately trying to recruit? Oh, but don't mind me. I'm just talkin' crazy talk.

Anyway, resident black man Kevin announced that he was going to go out and shoot some cops. Whaa? Oh, with a camera. Never mind. Meanwhile, Andy and his crew descended upon the NYPD training center to meticulously film several shots for his ad. His team complained that he was taking so long, but Andy insisted he wanted to stick with his game plan. He was going to keep those cops there for as long as it took to get the job done. In other news, twelve people were mugged in Manhattan that day.

That night, as Trump boogeyed down at the Miss Universe competition, Elizabeth and Kevin burned the midnight oil thinking of ways to reimagine the ad campaign so as to play up the more emotional side of the task. They seemed to have hit upon a new angle that they were encouraged by, but the next morning, like a drunken date gone wrong, everything looked bad and ugly in the bright sunlight. Well, actually, the new ideas weren't necessarily bad, but when Elizabeth presented them with a lackluster "These are kind of okay or whatever," the team misinterpreted the new direction as indecisiveness on Elizabeth's part. Luckily, she's such a strong leader that they all shut their mouths and went along with it. Oh wait, no. I'm thinking of Andy's effective team. Instead, Elizabeth's team assailed her with complaints, number one being that they had spent thirteen hours working on the project and it was now all in the trash. Elizabeth's response should have been like "Well, I worked twenty hours on this because y'all went to sleep, so suck it, biatch!" But instead, she opted for a simple droopy headed and quiet "Okay..." response.

Over with Team Mosaic, the ad campaign seemed to be coming together nicely with the benefit of some post production flourishes. Andy in particular became enamored with a piece of generic public domain music which made the NYPD sound like it was running for President. Sandy suggested that Andy should be involved with the oral presentation of the pitch because he wants to and because he's a national debate champion, to which Kelly responded "Excellent points, both of them. Except for the first one because it doesn't matter... and the second one because this isn't a debate." Kaboom! Someone's passive aggressive cannon just went off!

Elizabeth meanwhile found her team planning a coup against her. Even gentle giant Kevin was pushed to breaking point with Elizabeth's ineptitude as he bombarded her with a direct scolding. Not even the best tough love — or tough hate really — could help Elizabeth out of this jam, so she adopted a simple "You guys..." tone for the duration of the challenge. When it came time to finally present the ads to Donnie Deutch, Elizabeth's pitch was predictably disastrous. Her print ads were plagued with a stupid New York font face whose color was barely discernible from the background. Her television spot was littered with italicized Helvetica. What was this? My First Font day at Deutch?

To his credit, Andy pulled together a relatively smooth campaign. I did chuckle to myself during his television ad as a policeman turned to the camera and asked "When was the last time you were fearless?" The action then cut to a SCUBA diver jumping in the water. So is swimming fearless? That's news to me.

In the end, Mosaic won by a large margin. The next morning the team was shuttled out to Times Square where they were told a big surprise was waiting for them. As The Donald put it, since they did something for the City of New York, the City of New York was going to do something for them. Well, in this case, the prize was getting to watch the amateurish recruiting ad broadcast on the jumbotron in Times Square. That was nice of the City of New York, although last time I checked, NBC owns that jumbotron. So I guess it was NBC and not NYC that offered up the prize. Suckers.

While Mosaic gawked at themselves up on the big screen, Apex made its way to the boardroom where Elizabeth found herself the object of intense scrutiny. She kept saying that she was against the whole military theme of her team's ad campaign and that she stood up for what she believed in, but if she stood up so much for what she believed in, why was the ad campaign that she oversaw, you know, not her vision at all? Everyone systematically bashed Elizabeth, even Jen who usually stays out of the fray, and after viewing the homemade commercial, The Donald weighed in with a sidesplitting joke: "Forget about The Apprentice, I'm going upstairs and locking my door!" No one really laughed, but I guess that's because the joke was inserted later with some convenient dubbing. Apparently The Donald wanted some Miss Universe caliber humor in the boardroom.

Anyway, the more Elizabeth babbled and tried to somehow seem like an idealistic martyr, the more pathetic she sounded. It's a sad state when Raj seems like the smart one at the table. Disgusted by the whole affair, Trump decided to cut right to the chase and fire Elizabeth without having her even return with two people. We had a lovely smorgasbord of shocked expressions from Elizabeth and Raj, followed by some "Dunh dunh dunh!!" Mark Burnett music. In the end, Elizabeth made her way to her taxi where she told the camera that she had simply no idea why everyone had ganged up on her. Was she actually blind sided by that? Did she not realize that her entire team almost quit on her? Nevertheless, she called their actions "uncalled for" — because apparently ganging up is only allowed if there's a magic eight ball involved and a witch hunt to be had.

Speaking of the magic eight ball, it looks like Stacie J returns next week with fellow losers Jen, Bradford, and Rob. I can't wait to see how Stacie terrifies the women this time around. Maybe she'll do something crazy like... not be a sorority girl! I'm already terrified.

Posted by at 3:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

I think I can safely say that most of Survivor: Vanuatu, at least for the viewers, has primarily been about one thing, and that is the merge. Quite honestly, Mark Burnett's spent a little too much time developing the big twist, and too little time on some equally important things, like casting. Perhaps I have been saturated with too many Survivors, or maybe the blogging has forced me to pay some more attention to the episodes, but the challenges are a little too familiar as well. Still, I am never one to shy away from watching displays of human stupidity, the self-absorbed rationalizations people make for their actions, and the capacity for one person to turn on another. I will admit that I am having a harder time watching the first five minutes of the show and making a conclusion as to who is going to be voted out. But that could simply be the drug interactions talking.

Lopevi is on a hot streak boys and girls. Since, to borrow words from The Apprentice, the corporate reorganization a few weeks back, Lopevi hasn't lost a challenge. More importantly, things seem to be going well at camp. Everybody is working hard, in an effort to make life at camp as easy as possible on everyone. There is, of course, one exception to the rule, and that exception is John. John could theoretically "do work", but he really just wants to kick back and nap. Perhaps the heat has hit John especially hard, but I would think a person in his position would not want to be the laziest person in camp. Maybe I am being too hard on him. You see, John is an aspiring actor, and which means he doesn't actually work a lot, unless he needs to pay rent, and then he waits or bartends. The problem is that everybody else takes notice of how little John works. He was never close with the other guys, and even though the girls in camp would seem like much better targets, he should think about not pissing people off.

At Yasur, we see that Rory is still in the fight for his life. Lisa made a mistake and Rory slid on through, but he is having a hard time getting through to Leann and Ami that he is worth keeping around another week. Rory makes the case that he works hard and has never done anything to make them guess his loyalty. Leann and Ami come back and play the gender card. Ami says that no woman's alliance has made it all the way through, and that was their goal. She said that idea is what keeps them going. Quite plainly, Rory didn't fit the makeup for their dream. I have to call a little bullshit on this. Gender alliances rarely ever work, and its not like women have had a difficult time competing for the top prize. There has only been one case where the final two were men, so it's not like an all women's team is necessary for a woman to be successful in making it to the end, let alone winning the top prize. Perhaps Ami was upset that she betrayed her female alliance by voting out Lisa and wanted to get back to Lillith Fair roots. I think that Ami has been able to consolidate a lot of the power, and was just giving a lame excuse to vote Rory out later that evening. For Ami, Vanuatu has turned into sort of a Lesbos South Pacific, but without the poetry. Rory brought a little joy to my heart by saying that if he was going down, he was going down in flames. Something I always revel in witnessing.

The reward challenge featured the two tribes competing in another food challenge, this time for a Home Cafe. Basically, it was a coffee shop featuring croissants and a lot of gourmet coffee, if you consider Folger's gourmet coffee. The teams had to go through an obstacle course one at a time, but had to carry a small bowl of coconut juice through this obstacle course, and out it into a glass jug. Once finished, that person goes to the end of the line and the next person goes, until they fill their team's glass jug to a black line. First team to bring their full jug back to the start was a winner. It looked tougher than once can visualize, but the everybody had shaky hands as they passed through the course. The more coconut juice spills, the more trips a team would have to take. To nobody's surprise, Scout mailed it in. There was no rule that a person actually had to complete the obstacle course, so she simply poured out her small bowl, and ran to the back of the line each time her name was called. For the women, Eliza went first, followed by Leann, Ami, Rory, and Scout. For the men, the order was Jon, Chad, Chris, Twila, and Julie.

Early on, it looked like Leann was going to sabotage her team's chances once again. She was able to complete the course, but it took her a long time at first, and she lost the small lead Eliza managed to salvage at the beginning. It appeared like she was going to be singled out once more for failure. Her teammates had her back though, and Leann got a chance to redeem herself as it looked like it would be a race between her and Julie to see who could fill up the last bit of coconut juice in their team's jug. Leann, won that race, but made it much closer than it had to be. At first, she thought she simply needed to run back, but her team reminded her the jug had to come with her. She picked up the jug, and simply had to get back without spilling to give neoYasur their first win. Even that was harder than it sounded, as Leann stumbled and fell on her way back to her tribe. Lcukily for her, she didn't spill enough to ruin the win, and Yasur was headed to get their food.

The house cafe was pretty lame. Ami was a barista, so I am sure she was having the time of her life, making cappuccinos for everybody and what not. Almost as important in this reward challenge was receiving pictures and letters from their families. The pictures were on a bulletin board, and everybody started explaining who everybody was. Rory took the time to point out a picture of himself as a baby, saying "This is me!", just in case Scout didn't have her glasses on and thought the perhaps Eliza was also black when she was a baby. Letters are always a big hit, and this time was no exception, and of course everybody started sobbing uncontrollably, taking time only to take a sip from their coffee (gotta keep those sponsors happy). Scout was moved seein pictures of her partner, and Rory got some good advice from his wife, i.e. don't go crazy, but Ami was easily crying more than anybody else.

And I loved Tigerlily so much!

After enjoying their coffee and letters, they took their coffee machine back to camp. What is that you say? Where do you plug it in? I wasn't quite sure of that either. Obviously CBS has cameras, so there should be plenty of power sources around, but wouldn't that stick out like a sort thumb? To make it harder to tell, the producers fashioned some sort of fake oak stump to make it look natural among the camp. Does this look natural? What a bunch of idiots these people are, but I guess anything to get Rory riled up is a good thing at this time.

For Lopevi, the talk centered around Julie and Twila. They were discussing strategy, specifically if the boys had made any promises to each other. Twila said that Sarge had made a deal to keep her in the final four, and Julie said the same thing happened to her, which couldn't have been farther from the truth. The fact of the matter is that no promises were made to Julie, but she said that some were made to her in order to cause some uncertainty in Twila and cast doubt about her alliance. There is a chance all of this will completely blow up in her face, but we are glad that she took such a chance on scheming.

The tribes gathered back for the immunity challenge, and it looked like the women wouldn't have a chance. The game was slingshot, and Rory had just spent a good amount of time teaching his team how to use it. For the game, team members were lined up in columns corresponding to rows lined with ceramic tiles a short distance away (short as in I could have peed in the air and broken the tiles in less time. When a tile was hit, an "X" was placed on the corresponding mark in front of the contestant. When that person's four tiles were broken, they were taken out of the game. Sort of like taking the best parts of bingo and connect four, and mixing them all together. Sarge thought it would be so one-sided, he compared it to an SEC team playing one from high school. The first team with all of their players elinated received immunity. Once again, the liability was Scout, as she had the most trouble on Yasur, but she wasn't the only one with difficulties. Julie didn't have the arm strength to break the tiles either. While Yasur was taking the time to remove their worst players, Julie was left in and was giving Yasur hope. Rory once again proved a beast in this challenge, and seemingly won it singlehandedly for Yasur. He was elated, and let it show. Lopevi was dejected and went on to face their tribal council. It looks like Vanderbilt lost when they went to visit Permian.

Although Yasur was happy not to have to vote, it looked as if some people weren't as happy as others. Rory was very enthusiastic about the win, and showed a lot of emotion for some time afterwards. I think he knows he likely survived the toughest part, and can look forward to the merge. On the other hand, Ami looked upset. Perhaps it was Rory that had too much power, or perhaps she was just thinking again of why she voted off Lisa. Rory managed to establish himself as a player, and took on perhaps the strongest person on this year's season in Ami, and lived to tell the tale. No small feat, and the beginnings of a little power struggle that we'll see later.

At Lopevi, it quickly broke down to an issue of trust. Nobody really trusted Julie or John K, but who was the biggest danger to the alliance? The fact that Twila was never even mentioned in discussions bodes well for her. Chris and Chad discussed the votes, and Chad made a case for John P to leave. Chris also had his scheming hat on and later asked John P who his preference was. John argued it should be Chad to leave, because you can't trust him, and he'll be too much of a sympathy vote if he gets very deep after the merger. Well, I am sure Chad would trade sympathy points in for a real life to get his leg back. John P made a pitch to Twila, who surprisingly seemed on board with the idea as well, perhaps feeling a little apprehensive as to her status with her new alliance (not knowing who to trust, etc.) They said that they would have to ask Sarge, and that was the key in the statement in the whole thing. John was hoping he had turned the alliance, but he really ended up as nothing but a lackey, as he was voted out almost unanimously, with his vote for Chad the only surprise.

Now, John had sealed his fate when he mentioned to a member of the original guys team that he wanted to get rid of Chad, as uninspiring as an attempt to gain trust with the very alliance he is trying to get back in with. He must have had some clue that his plan backfired after all of the nervous laughter he got when he told people that they should nap more, and that he did all of the work he was asked to do. John, as has come to be expected every year, left with some surprisingly unreflective comments, namely that he really wouldn't have turned on his own guys. It would have been much more believable to believe him if he hadn't written Chad's name down just moments earlier. It looks like we are set up nicely for the merge, which looks to be next week. A fairly even number of guys and girls, with several dangerous floaters that have enough beef with either side to make things interesting as things go on.

Posted by at 1:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

One of the nagging questions on Smallville this season was the status of Lionel Luthor. He only appeared briefly in some early episodes, but was given a life sentence in jail, not to mention a little nagging from the previous season, namely a failing liver. But if he was to be written off so early in the season, why in the hell was John Glover still in the opening credits? Clearly the writers had some sort of plan, it was just a matter of how long they wanted to wait to fill the rest of us in on the master plan. It involves a jailbreak, but not in the variety most of us were expecting.

Lionel Luthor is in prison, with only a month to live. After exhausting all of his efforts to find a doctor to save him and his diseased liver, he also managed to get himself arrested for killing his own parents when he was much younger. He set a fire to their apartment building, and then used the insurance money to build Luthorcorp. If you are annoyed with your parents or feel you need space, don't you just go to college and start drinking heavily? Eventually, you will forget what it was about them that bothered you in the first place and everybody can go on with their lives. I guess going a little Menendez brothers on them was more his style. Nevertheless, he wanted to take one last chance to talk to Lex, even though his son was the one that facilitated his conviction and helped protect Chloe Sullivan, the prosecution's star witness.

As Lex was visiting his dad, I wondered a few things. First, Lionel had obviously been off of his workout regimen. He was seemingly doing that whole "Cape Fear" thing in earlier episodes, getting jacked in preparation for his release with all sorts of exercises, not to mention honing his mind with many books. Lionel, perhaps from disease, perhaps from the shiv he took in the shower, was looking quite thin and pale. Second, what kind of maximum security prison has an inmate and his visitor sit at a desk. Never having visited somebody in prison, I thought that they would use the old plexiglass divider connected with two phones type of setup. Doesn't an open room just invite some sort of contraband? Despite my reservations, Lionel seemed to have nothing but the most benign interests, and simply told Lex he was only sorry he never told him that he loved him.

Before you start getting all gushy, please note that Lionel did have an ulterior motive. Clark, who was earlier messing around in his backyard, dreaming of the ways he would lead his football team to victory, and had just found out from Jason that a recruiter from Metropolis University was going to watch him play, started to hear a loud screeching noise. The noise was similar to the one he heard in the season's first episode, which inspired him to fly, break into Lex's plane, and steal an artifact the younger Luthor had just picked up from Egypt. Hearing this same sound again, he abruptly left and ran to the source of the problem, which took him straight to Lionel Luthor. He arrived at the prison in just enough time to warn Lex, and pushed Lex out of the way just as his dad was about to hit him with an object he had concealed in his hand, a strange artifact with the same markings as the one on Lana's back. Instead of using it on Lex, Lionel used it on Clark, touching his hand, and started a process where their souls switched bodies.

A lot of you are thinking "Oh great, another episode where Clark is mean and tells people off and uses his power for evil". After all, they come up with one of these episodes at least once a year. But all of those times that Clark has had a change of heart, it was still Clark in his own body. This time, Lionel had control of Clark, and every single one of Clark's powers. It's sort of like some bastardization of Freaky Friday combined with Face Off. And it worked beautifully. (So you don't get confused, I am going to be talking about Clark and Lionel as their characters, and not the body they inhabit, until further notice)

Lex drives Lionel back to the Kent farm, and Lionel takes a great deal of pleasure in playing passive aggressive with Lex, questioning him about his dad, and didn't he feel like he betrayed him by sending him to prison. It looks like Lionel is going to get away with what he did. It's not like Clark is breaking out of prison, and people are used to Clark going off the deep end now and then, what would Lionel in his body be that much different? Well, it's different in that Lionel doesn't really know what exactly he has at his disposal. When Jonathan Kent asks him to pick up the tractor, he looks at him in disbelief, until he tries and realizes that he can actually pick up the tractor, and with relative ease. Something clicks in his head, as he realizes why it was that Clark seemed to be super human when it came to stopping Lionel's nefarious plots.

Clark is back in his cell and he meets Lionel's roommate, a strange mathematician who is an expert at pattern recognition. He says he was framed for embezzling from the Princeton Faculty Pension fund, but swears he was framed. He tells Clark that Lionel was researching a number of artifacts and had teams all over the world looking for them. The one used on Clark came from South America, and the symbol on it stood for water, but had the greater meaning of transference. Being the great pattern recognizer that he is, this crazy guy also deciphered symbols for fire and air, and had an idea that if you brought all of them together, they would lead to some source of knowledge that would rival no other. Clark quickly realizes that this guy's conviction of embezzling, transfer to maximum security prison(shouldn't he be at some Martha style nursing home?), and assignment to Lionel Luthor's cell was not some sort of string of unfortunate events. He also quickly learns that he is going to have a hard time simply surviving in prison, as it turns that Lionel owes money all over the place.

Lionel had only wanted to leave prison to get a hold of his money, but his ambitions seemed to grow as he got used to life in Clark's body. He started to give himself a makeover, ditching Clark's plaid for some khakis and a blue oxford. He also begins the process of moving his money out of his account, all $57 million of it, and buying bearer bonds, but needs to give his mother's maiden name, the account number, and pass a voice verification. Since Lionel is inhabiting Clark, and has Clark's voice, the voice recognition obviously fails, and Lionel has to spend some time in Smallville while he thinks of something to do. Martha happens upon Lionel in Clark's loft and asks him about what happened earlier. Right away she can tell something is wrong, but Lionel tries to pass it off and says he simply needs a hug. Now, if you aren't familiar, Lionel once had Martha Kent working for him as a personal assistant, but always had dreams of something more than a business relationship. As he hugs Martha, he gets a little too excited, but instead of pitching a tent, his heat vision bursts and he sends wagon of hay into flames. When you think about it, it is actually less embarrassing than the other scenario.

The strange Lionel in Clark's body moments do not stop there. Besides making Clark appear hot for his own mother, Lionel also manages to quit the football team. But it gets better. He is in the Torch offices, and just as he discovers Lex has changed his password on the Luthorcorp servers, Chloe walks in, and he takes great pleasure in leading Chloe on about Clark's feelings. Lionel did have a clue as to Chloe and Clark's history, since it was Clark's rejection of Chloe that inspired her to look into Clark's background for Lionel a few seasons ago. He says he has feelings he has never had before and leans in for the kiss. Chloe, despite her better judgment and past history, falls for his act (maybe it was the lack of plaid that threw her off), and just before their lips meet, Lionel pulls back and says "You wish". If there was anybody still holding out hope that Chloe and Clark would get back together, this little exchange took care of that possibility for at least the rest of the season.

Happy at devastating the girl that put him in jail, Lionel overhears Lana's voice(I guess he knows about the super hearing) and walks in on Lana and Jason having a little moment. All of this means nothing to Lionel, so he takes it in stride, but Lana and Jason surely have a problem, since a student and faculty relationship is forbidden at the school and will likely mean Jason's job. Lionel has bigger problems and decides to visit Clark in jail to get a voice verification. He knows Clark is waiting with the water artifact to make a switch, and tells him that he will kill Lex if Clark doesn't give him what he wants. It also becomes entirely obvious that Lionel is aware of Clark's powers, and he can't do anything about it. Lionel tells him not to worry though, as that "true power is left concealed".

Lionel eventually gets the voice recording, but when he tries to one again make the money transfer, he finds that all of the money is gone, and it was transferred out of the account on the day he was convicted, the obvious work of Lex. Lana walks in on all of this wanting to have a little conversation with Clark about what he saw with her and Jason earlier. She apologizes and says that she didn't want him to find out the way he did, but that she knew Jason in Paris and he came half way around the world to be with her, and she wants it to continue. Lionel picks up on the sexual tension and tells her that he has more to offer than she could ever imagine, and that he is older now and knows his mistakes of the past. He says he can understand why somebody would come across the world to "pluck her succulent fruit" and then tries to kiss Lana, but she slaps his and walks away. He's doing a damn good job at messing up Clark's life, but he still needs to get his money, and goes to get it from Lex.

As you can imagine, Lex is sort of surprised when who he thinks is Clark comes in, starts talking about $57 million dollars, and then threatens to kill him. God, if only Lex had some kryptonite to stop Lionel. Just when you think Lex is going to die (well, not really, because he has to survive to make some movies), Martha Kent walks in with Kryptonite and stops Lionel. Clark had earlier convinced her that he and Lionel had switched bodies with a story from his childhood that only he would know. She rescues Lex, but Lionel goes on a little rampage at the Kent farm, and is about to kill Jonathan, when he gets a call from his old cell mate letting him know that the body switch may not be permanent. At the prison, Lionel asks a few more questions, and the mathematician tells him that he has no idea when he will transfer back, but the switch may be permanent if he kills his old body. He gets the perfect chance when a prison riot breaks out after somebody tries to shiv Clark in the hall. In the melee that ensues, Clark and Lionel struggle, and Clark reveals the hidden artifact. (Don't worry, he kept it hidden in his armpit.) Naturally, Clark uses the artifact, switches back to his regular body, and runs off.

Back in their own bodies, things are quite interesting for Clark and Lionel. Lionel has just been examined by the doctor, when he gets the unexpected news that his liver is disease free. Apparently, the body switch had some unexpected side effects. Lionel death is no longer imminent, and it seems that he has some added incentive to spring himself from jail. With his knowledge of Clark's powers, he could be one bad mamma jamma.

Clark, on the other hand, has some work to do clean up the mess that Lionel made of his life. He and Chloe were just starting to have some normalcy return to their relationship, and Clark was getting used to having Lana around. Both of them were not about to let Clark try and talk his way out of what Lionel had done to them earlier. Lana probably wouldn't have even tried speaking to Clark, but wanted to beg him to keep her relationship with Jason a secret. This was Clark's first time hearing about it, but he didn't argue with her, knowing his status was going to be irreparably harmed. The last thing he had to was see about Lex, who was obviously apprehensive, since he saw who he thought was Clark nearly asphyxiate him the day before. Lex had an idea that Clark wasn't himself at the time, because Lionel was talking about things only Lionel would know, so it wasn't difficult for Clark to convince him that he wasn't there to hurt him. Clark used that opportunity to convince Lex to get the mathematician out of jail, but doesn't tell him why.

Clark's ploy seems to have worked, and the pattern recognizer is leaving jail, to be scooped up by a limo. Inside is not Lex Luthor, but none other than Margot Kidder, once again as Bridgett Crosby, who will be representing the Swann institute from now on, if you haven't guessed. Her recently sprung friend hands her the oft heard about artifact, and we have the beginning of what looks to be a very strange relationship indeed.

So I blabbered on a little too long about this episode, but there were a lot of details that had to make it in. I thought the idea of Lionel and Clark switching was genius. There needed to be a shakeup with the whole lovey dovey attitude everybody was getting for each other, and it introduced another villian into the mix. We also got a lot more mystery piled onto to the Krypton legend, and we can't be too sure who is working for who anymore. It seemed a little too convenient that Ms. Crosby knew about the artifact. It wouldn't surprise me if she was the document expert Lex consulted to get his information on his russian scroll last year. We also got more info on the symbol on Lana's back. It stood for transference, which explains why she received it when she had touched the engraving of the Countess Thoureau back in Paris. Speaking of the Countess, Lana dug up a little bit about her and found out that not only was she burned at the stake for being a witch, but she came from the same village where Lana's mom grew up. And here I was thinking she was half asian. The biggest change in everything was that Lionel knows of Clark's powers, and now has motivation, but not yet the means, to get out of prison and wreak havoc all over Kansas once again.

Posted by at 1:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Have you ever wondered what the real OC is like? I mean the real deal, man? Well, look no further than MTV's latest reality offering, Laguna Beach which provides a soapy look into the lives of several pretty, wealthy, and popular teenagers living in the titular town. Life doesn't seem to be very hard for these kids. The biggest hardship seemed to come from a skinny girl named Jen who at the start of last night's episode complained that someone had broken her flat iron. Apparently the cleaning lady had just been fired and Jen is like - you know - not used to cleaning up after herself. So she had left it out, and somehow it broke. Like OMG! Where is Lupe when you need her???

Tonight's episode centered around a Spring Break trip to Cabo San Lucas, a place where lazy parents send their kids and then act surprised when they return home drunk or with herpes. In preparation for the big trip, LC - aka fake Erika Christiansen (who in turn is fake Julia Styles) - and her aforementioned vacuous friend Jen headed to a bikini shop to check out the thongs and engage in that favorite pasttime of girls: catty character assasination. Oh, actually, before they did that, Jen displayed her talents for fakery with a sweet "Bye!" to a random (and clearly unpopular) girl. Paging Regina George. We have your replacement on line one.

LC and Jen browsed through swimsuits until Lauren (LC's full, un-OC'd name) stumbled upon the Scarlett Letter of bikinis. You can't buy that, Kristin has it! exclaimed Jen as viewers across America heard a "Dunh dunh DUNH!!!" in their heads.

Enter Kristin, the blonde, longer-nosed rival to LC. Apparently these two have a beef because they like totally love the same dreamy guy, Stephen. And in a very Anna/Summer twist, they're both hooking up with him. As Kristin and her sidekicks Alex and Morgan (Pat, Terry and Chris were busy at the androgenous name club) went to a different bikini shop, we got a sense that this trip to Cabo was going to be a love triangle showdown. And in snobby girl world, that can only mean one thing: evil stares and rolling eyes.

In what I can only assume was an attempt to reinforce the rich girl stereotype, Kristin and Alex slipped into some tanning beds and proceeded to call each other on their cell phones. Man, how I would have loved to have seen a big cell-phone sized splotch of untanned skin on their faces. I don't remember what they were babbling about because I was too distracted by Alex and her bizarre resemblance to Roz from Frasier.

Anyway, all the girls and the guys whooshed down to Cabo in a lovely airplane montage, but I couldn't help wishing they had simply gone down to TJ and partaken in some Marissa Cooper pill popping activities. Seriously, I need to know if teenagers who find girls passed out in alleys call the police or simply hold them in their arms and look up to the heavens as if to say "ACTING!"

Nevertheless, the teens all galavanted around their Cabo hotel, soaking in the Pacific Ocean, the palm trees, and the warm weather. Southern California would be so much better if it had those things. Oh wait... Meanwhile, LC and Kristin's dad chuckled to themselves in a quiet office as if to say "Oh, teenagers!" Somehow I don't think LC's dad said "My girl's failing her classes, hahahaha." Similarly, I'm sure Kristin's dad didn't respond with "Well, my daughter's been sleeping with half the guys in her class. Oh kids these days, hahaha!" Yay parental neglect!

Down in Mexico, the girls primped in the mirror (aka the de facto confessional for this show) and gabbed about people behind their backs. Why does the drama always follow us, they asked. Um, that will happen if you're creating it. With hair and makeup carefully in place, it was then time to mess it all up by going down to a rowdy bar and getting wasted. Kristin, in a lovely transparent trick to woo Stephen's attention, jumped up on a pole and began her audition for "Girls Gone Wild". Luckily for her, shallow gestures work on shallow people. Stephen assaulted her with a battery of witty barbs that went along the lines of "Slut! Bitch! You slutty bitch!" I love when drunk guys do that. "You SLUT!...that I sleep with."

The next morning, Stephen articulately described his interaction with Kristin. "I was like zhzzz and then like zhzzz," he said. His friends then asked if he was also like "brrrppp" or more like "vrreeee," to which he replied "rrrrrrrnnh." Stephen's internal conflict was later complemented by a lovely little trip to some island where he surfed the waves in tranquility. Oh, the torment of Stephen. Will he ever find serenity?

Probably not. At dinner, he sat next to LC who doted on him like a caring mother. Feeling the need to drive up her maternal skills, Kristin decided that she too could feed a boy, so she turned to the dorky guy next to her and nearly forced a spoon of molé down his throat. "Who me?" he managed to say as she stuffed his face with Mexican fare. With the gauntlet thrown down, Stephen and LC simply left the table to go off and--- well, I don't know what they did. My satellite went out. I'll just assume that something mildly scandalous happened and all the girls were a twitter about it.

This show has me asking just one question. Where is Seth Cohen? Okay, not him literally, but can we at least get some sort of culture clash here? All these kids are the popular "Welcome to the OC, bitch!" types, but surely not everyone at Laguna Beach High is pretty and cool and invited to posh events like the "Black and White Ball." I mean, what's a teen movie without the dorks and underdogs?

Oh well. I'm going to go listen to Hilary Duff and Avril Levigne now.

Posted by at 12:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Does anyone feel a little relieved? I know I do. You see, after a week of promos leading up to last night's episode of The Real World: Philadelphia, a knot had grown in my stomach. For seven days we were told that the ongoing flirtations of Shavonda and Landon would take center stage on this week's show, and to be honest, I dreaded it. There hasn't been a couple - or pseudo couple - this uninteresting since Hawaii when Matt developed that bizarre crush on Ruthie's identical twin. The promise of watching an entire show devoted to Landon and Shavonda was about as appealing as eavesdropping on someone discussing napkins. Thankfully, the episode is over now; so we can simply move forward with our lives and forget about this decidedly bland installment. Well, we can forget about it after this post at least.

The episode started with Shavonda reading passages aloud from an erotic book (some more of that subtle Bunim/Murray magic at work). She giggled like a seventh grader at the mere mention of sex, and Landon, aware that he was supposed to be in some sort of a flirting mode, obliged with some fake laughter of his own. A gentle guitar riff on the soundtrack alerted us that this was indeed a tender moment, despite Shavonda's abrasive immaturity and Landon's complete lack of interest.

Later, Shavonda relived the scene as she lay on the floor with MJ and detailed the whole magical moment. I don't really know why they were lying on the floor, and to be honest, I was grossed out by MJ's hairy armpit lingering at the top of the screen. Nevertheless, despite her obvious fixation on Landon, Shavonda reassured us that he would never ever be getting any sort of bootay from her. Mmmkay. In other news, Shavonda has placed the Brooklyn Bridge up for sale.

Apparently unaware of the booty embargo being placed on him, Landon attempted a subtle display of affection towards Shavonda: he pressed his naked member against the translucent shower glass for her to see. Most girls like roses, but I guess blurry penis works too. Shavonda zoomed off to another room while fellow onlooker Melanie commented, "I didn't know what I was looking at!" Either Landon has a very small endowment or Melanie missed a very important class in fifth grade. To be honest, I was surprised that Mel didn’t add “If I had a penis, I would never ever EVER put it against a shower door.”

Later that night, Mel shuffled off mysteriously to drink alone while the crew headed for, you guessed it, a gay bar. In an interview, MJ expressed embarrassed surprise at this social destination, saying “Believe it or not, we’re heading to another gay bar.” Believe it or not? MJ, have you SEEN your season? For his part, Landon was just excited to be around booze and lots of it. Even though he appears to have been drinking since age three, Landon had never had a martini before; so he figured this would be a solid place to start. “How much is in a martini?” he asked. Uh, imagine a glass full of straight alcohol. Now drink it. THAT much.

Apparently Landon never noticed that people sip martinis because within a flash, he was wasted on the dance floor. Shavonda would have none of it, but instead of being patiently sober, she was annoyingly shrill. Great. Could this black hole of suck get any larger? As we headed for our first commercial break, Shavonda fretted that she was liking Landon less. Oooh, what a cliffhanger! Will Shavonda ever not like him a little less? Furthermore, will Shavonda ever just shut up?

When we returned (on the seats of our pants no doubt!), Sarah explained that when Landon gets drunk, his alter ego “Leo” comes out. WTF? Is this the cast of schizophrenic drunkards and nymphos? First we had Sarah’s dumb alter ego, Ivanna, and now we have Leo. Anyone else ready to pop out of this clown car of a cast?

Anyway, as the group meandered back to the mansion, Shavonda commented in an interview that Landon – or Leo mayhaps? – had crossed the line from being drunk to scary. This was evidenced by Landon asking if a church they were walking by was the same one from an earlier trip. Scary! Next he’ll be asking about schools or worse yet, municipal buildings. I’m surprised they didn’t do an intervention right then and there.

The next morning, Sarah sauntered up to all the guys and quietly asked them “How are you? How are you feeling?” I supposed she was testing the waters before asking “Wanna have sex?” While Sarah cooed over the boys, Mel announced that she had found “serenity” in a local bar that she was going to keep as a secret for herself. Whatever, outcast. I suppose the new watering hole did clear out some of that stress Mel was feeling after last week’s traffic fiascos because she was able to return to proper form by shooting her passive aggressive cannon at Sarah. During a discussion of Sarah’s bulimia, Mel was ever so kind to state “I could never ever, ever, EVER do that to myself.” Awkward. “I hate puking… I love food,” she added. Super awkward. Hey Mel, why don’t you just point a finger and laugh?

This incident of course resulted in the obligatory Mel-bashing scene which in true form ended with Sarah noting “I mean, I love the girl.” Yes, Sarah loves her in that sort of “I hate you so much” way. Well, luckily for her, a Santa Cruz Karma bomb hit Mel nice and hard. After a night of boozing at her favorite spot, The Drinker’s Tavern (as opposed to the Non Drinker’s Tavern), Mel returned home slurry and all Leo-ish. She called her obviously disinterested boyfriend and assured him that “I’m wasted to a point where I can fall asleep and not barf.” She then proceeded to barf – in front of Sarah. Fantastic.

Somewhere around here Mel babbled to the camera with a startlingly new hairstyle that seemed to completely distract me from whatever was going on. All I do remember is that Mel and Sarah went off to volunteer at a pet adoption event, but when that became too labor intensive (looking at cute animals is like sooo rigorous), the two jetted back to the apartment to share a hot tub. There Sarah probed Melanie about her past, but when Mel got to the part about her mom locking her in the closet, Sarah looked positively overwhelmed. “This isn’t about sex at all!” her face seemed to say. Somehow, the girls left the tub and the episode with “respect” for each other, which is just another lovely notch on the road to full-scale catfight.

Meanwhile, back at the other storyline, Shavonda moped around the mansion, complaining about Landon’s drinking. Earning her keep as a Bunim/Murray drama queen, Shavonda was sure to gab about it to everyone, even her ex-boyfriend Shaun. I might have to hit him next time, she said with a grim tone as the show cut to commercial. For anyone who seriously pondered whether or not Shavonda would hit Landon, congratulations. You’re an idiot.

The show finally headed to the finish line as Shavonda and Landon had a candid conversation about alcohol. Landon admitted that he never had a buzz – he just went from being sober to blasted in an instant. I wonder how that happens? Maybe martini chugging contests aren’t the best idea after all. Later, the two decided to lie down together on the confessional floor where they had an incoherent discussion about whether or not they liked each other. I was nearly in tears – not because the moment was so special, but I just really really wanted to get back to playing Grand Theft Auto. Please Bunim/Murray. No more Shavandon (or Landvonda either).

Posted by at 8:54 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I think that the next time Bunim/Murray brings us a Real World/Road Rules Challenge series, they should just forget about the stupid guys team, and focus solely on the girls. The guys simply aren't that interesting. I am starting to believe that they are along for the ride just to hookup with the girls. Think about it for a minute. One team of 12 girls from Real World and another 12 from Road Rules. The producers would get the rivalry of the seasons that they wanted, but you know that simply being on the same team isn't going to prevent any of them from fighting with their own teammates. To tell you the truth, they could save money making the each season if they simply reduced the players to Tina, Tonya, Coral, Rachel, Veronica, and Katie. Randomly choose the teams, and have them fight to the death under in the Thunderdome. Now that would be good television.

You notice how every now and then, the producers of try and do a personality makeover on one or more of the the contestants. People have told me that Ace was actually a fun guy and that I simply got a bad impression of him from his weak performances on the last two challenges. Maybe that is true, but from the video of this season, it looks like Mallory also jumped off the Ace bandwagon, so I am not the only one who thinks he's a douchebag. This week's makeover contestant was Tonya. We get scenes of her in a club, having fun, enjoying herself, kissing Angela. You know, the standard stuff. It was oddly the same type of intro we got for Ace the previous week, and he went home. I wondered if this would also mean bad news for Tonya.

Once again, we are reminded on how the new people are going to have a hard time against the veterans. They are acting like this is some sort of surprise or something. This is how it always is. And it doesn't matter when your Bunim/Murray season actually aired, it only matters how many times you have been on the challenges. The people who don't have enough energy/incentive to get jobs come back on these things, and they all know they need to win so they can spend another six months or so without a job until the next challenge comes around. I think this was the point The Miz was trying to get across to Kina near the beginning of the episode. Kina was being naive about the alliances on their team, and The Miz came away with a somewhat thoughtful response, although I thought he was too drunk to even pay attention to her speaking. My theory is that he was trying to get her drunk so she would hook up with him, but somehow his plan went awry and he was forced to talk with her. That was probably not the type of thing the producers were counting on when they loaded the houses with all of that booze. By the way, let me be the first one to warn the Bunim/Murray producers about a future class action lawsuit from all of the people who appeared on their shows and became alcoholics who couldn't hold down a job.

Before we got to the challenge, there was one more little thing we had to get out of the way. You knew it would be only a matter of time before somebody in the girls' house would complain about something petty and then the person would hear it and start a fight that was just as petty and would blow it completely out of proportion. In seasons past, it would have been Katie vs. Veronica in this type of battle royale, but this season, we have Tina, and you know that she is always going to be part of some irrational confrontation. So what was this argument about? Well, it turns out that Tina overheard somebody saying that Tonya was saying that Tina was on the phone too long, and people were looking for it, and couldn't find it. Not a big deal? Well, it was for Tina. She started saying that she hates it when people talk shit or, you know, say anything about her. Tina started saying how Tonya was the biggest liar in the house and she would start so much shit if she wanted to. Tonya said that she is not a liar if she is speaking the truth, and the truth is that Tina had the phone when people couldn't find it. This started Tina off again, with the only real effect being the breakout of hysterical laughter of anybody starting the fight. B-side tells me that Tonya complaining about the phone is especially ironic because she was basically on the phone crying to her boyfriend for the entirety of her season in Chicago. I guess she is just trying to prevent others from talking on the phone all season and having their housemates hate them. For her part Coral said if there was a fight her money was on Tina, because Tina fights dirty. Well, everything about Tina is dirty, but yes, I agree with Coral.

This week's challenge is easily the most hyped challenge so far. Verizon was sponsoring this challenge, so you knew it had to be something about cell phones. How is MTV going to work in cell phones into the challenge? By placing them in the middle of a huge block of ice shaped like a cowboy hat. But this was no ordinary 10 gallon hat, this appeared to be about a 100 gallon hat, and the cell phone was wrapped in plastic in the middle of that block. The teams had to get to the phone, then call another cell phone to win. And as Jonny Mosely said, "No urinating!" It wasn't very difficult to figure out that the easiest way was to get the ice to melt in some way. The easiest way to do that seemed to be body friction, so the teams began to shake their asses and everything else on these big blocks of ice in order to generate that heat. The leaders for the girls were Ibis, Aneesa, and Kina, for the guys we had Shawn, Shane, and Dan. Although I praised the producers for trying to switch things up when it came to voting players out with the new team leaders scheme, I have to boo them for not being able to figure out one actual challenge that requires any sort of team leadership skills. None of the challenges depended on the performance of the leaders, and this week was more of the same.

I am sure that many of you are trying to imagine what this all looked like. Let me tell you know that I am sure ratings for Manhunt and The L-Word were down all across the country. The guys decided that they would place some of the bigger guys on top, and use them as some sort of human saw with other team members pulling them back and forth. This was completely ineffective for anything other than simulating sex. Hey, at least it made Shane happy, right? But the innovations did not stop there. Tonya brought the great idea of using rocks to increase your body heat to make it easier for your body to melt the ice. Well, I wish somebody would have told Tonya that you would need a pretty big and hot rock to increase your body heat enough to make a difference for the huge block of ice, especially before Tonya thought it was such a good idea that she would put the rocks in her mouth to warm up her tongue. Because the huge surface area of her tongue at 99 degrees was surely going to make a huge difference, or not. The girls really had no chance in this because their body mass simply couldn't get the heat up enough to make a difference. Actually they might have tried doing it topless or naked, so as to distract the guys, but I guess their team leaders weren't creative enough. Veronica complained about their strategy saying it was nothing more than "Blow and suck! Blow and suck! Use your hands!" God Veronica, the leaders were just trying to get their team to try something on a block of ice a few activities they were already really good at. What's the harm in that?

As we are to expect, the girls lost the challenge and were sent off to vote out one of their leaders. The guys won, so the leaders would have to remove one of the weaker players, but at least they would get to go home with a Playstation 2 and a couple of games. Which reminds me of another reason why I think the girls are losing all of the time. Sure they might have wanted to win a trip to Cancun, but do they really have any incentive to win a low rider bike or a Playstation (other than to sell it on ebay a few hours after they receive it)? Probably not. If the producers want the girls to have a chance, they have to have a better incentive - cash prizes are a much better idea. I think the members of the girls team simply want to stick around long enough to win the grind prize, which is usually a car, and could care less about winning. That's why you rarely see any of the "veterans" take a chance at being leader. It's easier to let the new chumps be leader and vote them off after they lose. I am surprised Rachel and Coral actually risked it by being leaders in the previous episodes. To tell you the truth, I wouldn't be surprised if Coral and her crew began to throw some of the competitions soon.

Voting for the guys was difficult, at least it appeared to be that way. They voted on performance, but there wasn't any individual effort for anybody to go by in this challenge, so the leaders had to go back a few competitions to make a decision. The only people left that had made a mistake were the disqualifications of Mike and Adam in the hanging competition. Now, before anybody starts to worry that The Miz might leave, let me assure you that it didn't happen. Before the "vote Mike off" discussion got much headway, the leaders came to their senses and realized that he had more experience than Adam. Either that, or perhaps Jonathan Murray and the ghost of Mary-Elliz Bunim appeared and told them that their chances of returning for another challenge would be severely limited if they voted off Mike. The threw in some talk about voting off Derrick and Chris because they aren't sure how they would hold up or something, but those ideas were vetoed as well. The guys could have made things easier if they had remembered that Abram had also had a penalty in the snake challenge and had voted him off. As if cleaner heads would have actually prevailed.

As for the girls, it was time for the bullies to speak up and vote off one of the leaders. For some reason, it became time to pile on Kina and her leadership. I couldn't see any reason why she was doing any better than Aneesa or Ibis, but Rachel and Tonya put it in perspective for me saying that Kina "Worked hard, but didn't lead hard" and that "She was focused, but almost too focused". Oh, it's all so clear now. Katie, who has been fairly quiet this season, saw through this transparent attempt at impartiality and said she hated the intimidation tactics that were going on and that she would do something about it.

At Elimination Hill, Kina took her eviction in stride. I was half surprised to see her go, after all, we hadn't yet seen that clip with her and Derrick and the frosted flakes. Adam, on the other hand, was pissed and stormed off. He said later that he would have been OK with leaving had he not felt "cheated" about what happened. Nobody gave him a fair shot. Well, that may have been true, but I am not quite sure what he was expecting from this reality show. I am also sure this won't stop Adam from doing the exact same thing next time if he is given the chance, or at least throw a pool party to make people like him again. And knowing what happened at that pool party, it starts to make me think a little. Adam and Mike were in line to get voted off, Adam loses to Mike, Mike goes to Adam's pool party, Mike gets injured at the pool party and gets staples in his head after an "accident". I think Adam got the best revenge. Ever.

So, here is how things stand. Of the three guys and the three girls that have been voted off, four of them are on their first RW/RR challenge. Although Brad said he was going to do something about it, and the girls had yet another conference on how things are unfair, it looks like the pattern has been set. The new kids on the block are getting picked off one by one, and I am not sure how much they can do to stop any of it.

Posted by at 12:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The ongoing saga of Ashlee Simpson took an interesting turn today as her father/manager Joe Simpson weighed in on the faux-controversy. Apparently Ashlee suffers from chronic acid-reflux disease - or lack of talent, as it's known colloquially. Joe Simpson claimed in an interview with KIIS FM's Ryan Seacrest that it was his idea to use the backing track after Ashlee's vocal chords swole up. Insiders, however, claim the real reason he used the track was because he suddenly realized that his daughter has no musical skills whatsoever.

Joe Simpson explained that Ashlee "has a backing track that she pushes so you don't have to hear her croak through a song on national television. No one wants to hear that." If that's not a vote of confidence, I don't know what is. Don't worry Ashlee. We know you want a career in music. I suggest taking up the cowbell or humming (very quietly).

Curious readers can find the whole article here.

UPDATE - J-Unit Adds: Those of you who missed seeing Ashlee mess up the first time can check her out tonight as she is scheduled to appear on NBC's Radio Music Awards taking place in Las Vegas. The show airs 9PM Eastern Time. If she actually shows up to sing (or lip-synch), it is sure to be an exciting event. Actually, I am sure the show will suck whether she goes on or not, but isn't it fun to watch a career spiral into oblivion?

Posted by at 3:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Have you ever felt like Target could really use more mop-headed models in its weekly circulars? Or have you ever felt like the store's brief flirtation with Kabala merchandise necessitated a returned to more Jesus-ier things? Well, have we got news for you!

Brandon, late of The Amazing Race 5, has parlayed his newfound reality stardom into another modeling gig - this time for the Target weekly circular. Considerably less annoying than those Point Zero ads, the new spots feature Brandon in more of a casual, God-fearing light. We can only hope that future advertisements will feature him posing with toasters or microwaves or possibly fitted sheets. No word yet on if he'll be extending his fifteen minutes of fame with a guest spot on Bravo's Manhunt, but rumor has it he's the leading candidate for Stupid Face That Should Go Away Magazine.

Thanks to reader Gina Fabulous for the tip.

Posted by at 12:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Every now and then the television gods throw a morsel of pure perfection our way, and we here at TVgasm are always oh so happy to receive it. Case in point? Last night's episode of Saturday Night Live where atonal thrush Ashlee Simpson awkwardly humiliated herself in front of a national audience. This was sweet payback for me as I've never been shy about my contempt for Ashlee Simpson. And in case you're feeling all badly for the not-Jessica Simpson, just remember that I'm the one who's been subjected to "Pieces of Me" all summer. So who's the real victim here in the long run?

For those of you who missed it or can't view the clip, Ashleegate 2004 occurred when she came on stage to sing her second song of the evening and her band began playing her signature song, "Pieces of Me." Of course, the only problem with that is she had already sang that tune earlier in the show. So instead of just stopping and changing songs, Ashlee stood around confused, and then inexplicably busted out a hoe-down move that would have made the "Hey Dude" cast shudder. When that move ceased to distract the audience from the slow-mo trainwreck that was this performance, Ashlee wandered off stage with a smile on her face as if to say "Are you guys Punking me??" I particularly enjoyed the moments that followed as a lonely spotlight just shone on the stage as if to say "Um, just pretend someone's singing." Personally, I don't see why she didn't sing the song over again. After all, it's not like we're not used to hearing "Pieces of Me" every twenty minutes anyway.

Update: The clip we have here is from the West Coast feed, which is conveniently missing Ashlee's vocal track flub. So when Ashlee said her band played the wrong tune, she meant her band fake played the wrong tune which Ashlee was supposed to fake sing along to. Not that we Californians understood that with our fake live clip.

Posted by at 3:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (17)

I usually don't step in to enter random gossip about ex Bunim/Murray reality stars, but when TVgasm reader Sara E. sent in a recent tip, I couldn't resist. It turns out that Mike Mizanin, erstwhile known as "The Miz" to anybody who has watched MTV in the last four years, has managed to find himself a spot on Tough Enough, the WWE based reality series that promises the winner a spot on the WWE tour, and this time, a million dollars. The new twist this year is that the viewers will decide who wins, rather than a set of judges on previous shows.

Previously, Tough Enough aired on MTV, so things might seem fishy about his inclusion at first. Mike has, however, wanted to be in pro-wrestling for a long time, and has chronicled some of his adventures at (much)smaller events and venues on his website. Still, I am sure that his familiarity with the Viacom world wasn't a handicap when it came to getting on Tough Enough, where highlights will be aired on the UPN (another Viacom property) during their Smackdown! telecast each Thursday. Will a win by The Miz mean he has little time or incentive to participate in future Real World/Road Rules challenges? Will his previous stardom on MTV help or hurt him when it comes time for people to vote on the winner? We can't actually say that we will skip Survivor, The Apprentice, or The OC every week to keep you updated (nor can we in good conscience recommend anybody to do the same), but we may drop in time to time in case you are wondering what is going on.

Posted by at 1:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Ever wonder what happened to your favorite pals from the Bunim/Murray box office flop, "The Real Cancun"? Well, chances are they're either primping in the mirror, getting some meds for that herpes outbreak, or maybe just passed out drunk. Well luckily we have an update on the stellar careers of two Real Cancun alums.

Remember Laura? The one who threw herself at that muscled guy Jeremy and then psychotically stalked him the rest of the trip? Well what better home for her than ABC? Yes, Laura played Natalie Day on the short lived series, "The Days". Superstardom is right around the corner!

And how about Casey? Surely you remember the sloppy, drunk, horny "model" from Florida who spent the entire movie trying to make out with anyone and anything? Well, I have some FABulous news. He's presently on - or was on (the website says he was just cut) - Bravo's Manhunt. Congratulations to all for their stunning progression in the world of entertainment!

Posted by at 12:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Question: Was there ever a song in the Wizard of Oz about munchkins expiring? I only ask because after a few weeks of "Ding dong the witch is dead" comments from Stacy and Raj, it seems as though the flying house that is Donald Trump's wrath has landed squarely on the resident munchkin this time. I'm curious if there might be a song like "La la, a munchkin died!" that would be appropriate for everyone to sing. Just curious.

Yes, at long last, Stacy was finally fired from The Apprentice last night, and this just in - she's still talking. It was inevitable that our budding lawyer would never make it to the halfway mark because, well, her greatest idea up to this point was being really really annoying. Still, she did have some assets. Okay, well, maybe not. But she was instrumental in getting uber-moron Jen C. fired, and we can all be thankful of that.

As usual the episode started off with the gang unwinding in the apartment, talking a mile a minute about the previous boardroom. Apparently it was Tex-Mex night at Casa Del Apprentice as Ivana served up a plate of droopy, sad nachos. They looked about as appetizing as Red Velvet Cake Ice Cream. Before anyone could even chow down though, the phone ominously rang. Wes made a bee-line for the phone, noting that he'd never answered it before. Maybe he was expecting to win a sweepstakes? Well, sadly, all he got was Robin who simply requested the group's presence in the boardroom. Hey, and let's hear it for Robin. She had an extra line this week. Looks like she's moving up in the world of fake receptionist...ing.

Anyway, everyone all zipped down to the boardroom, causing Andy to lament, "I just got back. I wanted to eat my taco." Aww. Poor thing. Give the boy a taco. Seriously. Otherwise we might be subjected to comments like "Mr. Trump, it was not my fault that I underperformed. I was without taco." We'll never know if Andy ever had his taco, but that's because Trump had bigger and better things to do - namely, switch up the group. Jen and Wes became project managers for this task and per Trump's usual divisive request, they kicked off three people from their teams that they didn't want. Wes bid adieu to Raj, Chris, and Kevin (surprise upset keeping Andy and all his taco baggage) while Jen nixed Sandy, Stacy and Maria. Sandy seemed mildly shocked, and Maria received the news with her usual icy Nazi death stare. But seriously - there's only enough room on Team Apex for one QVC hostess. Surely Maria can bring the usefulness of her Home Economics minor with a concentration in Public Speaking to Wes's team. You know, especially if the next challenge has to do with baking pie and talking to people.

After the mixup (and the last parting shots of George for the episode), everyone crammed into the elevator. People, there are two elevator banks. No need to wrinkle those designer suits and induce Maria's Hulk-like rage. Nevertheless, up at the loft, the new teams regrouped and discussed their strengths and weaknesses. In an interview, Stacy observed that "the men think I'm really vocal and opinionated and ask a lot of questions, and they are absolutely 100% correct! [laughs to herself]" ZINGER! Another great notable quotable from the genius wit of Stacy! After last week's Enron slam, I thought she wouldn't be able to outdo herself. But no! Stacy, I beg - please stop, my rib cage is hurting so.

FYI - Stacy can be seen at JoJo's Giggle Farm in Primm, NV next Tuesday at 4:30 pm.

The next morning, that other less attractive secretary called up and guess who answered the phone? Wes. Two times in a row. Looks like Mr. I Never Answered The Phone is on quite the roll. If this were Phone Survivor, I'd vote him off the island. Too much power! Anyway, the group shuttled off to Central Park where they met this week's George: Allan Weisselburg. It's a good thing Jen C. wasn't around anymore because with a name like Weisselburg, she'd be hard pressed to keep her brand of anti-Semitic humor to a minimum. It would be like in Who Framed Roger Rabbit when the judge kept tapping "A Shave and a Haircut", except instead of Roger Rabbit being restrained, it would be Jen, and instead of "A shave and a haircut", it would be Judaism.

Anyway, this week's blasé challenge was fairly vague: Do something with dogs and make more money. Hmmm... not quite as fancy schmancy as the lemonade task from last year. I wonder if the producers were debating between this and a bakesale/carwash. Clearly this challenge was created at the last minute due to some snafu with a pre-planned mission.

Nevertheless, Team Apex decided to embark on a dog washing service. Jen and the crew went about assailing pet owners for simple washes. Based on Raj's suggestion, she then deployed the crack team of Chris and Ivana to give dog massages on the East Side. This was also known as the greatest con of all time. Last time I looked, a dog massage was known as "petting". Meanwhile, Jen and Kevin upgraded their services to include a nail clipping service which looked extraordinarily painful, especially when Jen proudly declared later "I only had two bleeds." Ewww. What was she clipping off? Their paws?

Exactly whose butt is Jen looking at?

Over at Mosaic, Wes et al. had opted to get a charity behind this event to increase customer traffic. Unfortunately, the only charity they could find was one called Kitty Care or something like that. And yes, in case you were scratching your head, it's for cats, not dogs. Hmmm... I wonder whose brainchild this was? Why it was from Andy! Yes, the creator of Crustacean Nation had outdone himself. Sadly though, just after nabbing the charity deal, Andy's malnourished state caused him to leave the cell phone in the taxi. If only he had eaten that taco!

Frau Maria was fairly displeased with this revelation. For her part, she looked like she had just come in from the Mother Ship as her tinfoil astronaut jacket had that weathered, "That was a fun ride through the atmosphere" look. Knowing that she was exempt from getting fired, Maria didn't do much in this mission except prance around in her heels and stare down puppies with a look that said "You WILL be washed!" Around this time Carolyn came by to passive aggressively attack Maria, saying that she seemed to be selling herself more than the dog service. Oooh, Carolyn called Maria a 'ho. No she di'int!

With business not so booming, Stacy decided to lend her creative thinking to situation. Why not charge $5 for Polaroids of your dog in a stupid costume? That sounds fantastic. Can the dogs wear capelets?

Meanwhile, Stacy's yammering seemed to annoy everyone, especially Sandy who noted that the Munchkin never once offered to bring her a cup of water. Wow. EVERYONE brings Sandy water! Why no love from Stacy? She's such a water-not-giver! Let's see now. Andy wanted a taco, Sandy wanted some water - can't these people feed themselves?

Anyway, at the end of the day, Jen - who has always been the strongest woman in my book - led her team to a huge victory over Wes and Mosaic. Earning over two hundred dollars more than their opponents, Apex won the opportunity to meet with NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg, or Scrooge McDuck as New Yorkers are wont to call him. I personally like Bloomberg, so I'm going to call him Mr. Awesome. Eh, that sounds really stupid. I just won't call him anything at all. Nevertheless, the team made its way over to Gracie Mansion which Raj eloquently pointed out was "graceful." Apparently that bowtie does not come with wit.

For her part, Jen assailed Bloomberg with some Barbara Walters-esque questions which had me hoping that she might ask "If you could be a tree, what sort of a tree would you be?" Raj dutifully listened to Bloomberg, smiling - then laughing - in a cheesy infomercial way with a stupid sparkle in his eye.

Less cheerful was Mosaic which shuffled in behind Maria and her HUGE broche. Okay, a few weeks ago we were lucky enough to see Maria's blue flower broche, and that seemed pretty big. But last night's overgrown horticulture made me wonder if Maria might be carrying a spy camera under there or maybe a mic. Now if only she'd put her giant broche on her bedazzled blazer, then we'd have a real sartorial disaster.

Trump and his cronies were a little cranky in the boardroom. Carolyn even bashed Kelly. She asked him how many dogs he had washed in the first two hours. He replied eight. She informed him that it was four. Tricky Carolyn! Way to set him up and then bring him down. She wasn't the only one who was feeling a little ornery though. Trump was quite angry at Andy for losing the cell phone and effectively preventing the team from splitting up into two groups. "You've sort of been a disaster," he said. I like when The Donald says stuff like that: "You've sort of been sucking a lot" or "You sort of are the worst person here" or "You sort of are a complete failure in life." It's got a little passive aggressive ring to it that really works well with reality TV.

By the time the group had whittled down to Wes, Stacy, and Andy, the panel's wrath seemed to be focusing more and more on Stacy. Trump accused her of not selling her ideas and similarly not taking responsibility for anything week after week. This led to a bizarre moment when everyone kept agreeing with each other. Trump would say something and then Stacy would say "I agree!" and then Wes would say "I agree too!" Listen guys, it's just too late for ass-kissing.

Eventually The Donald kicked Stacy down to the street where she and her shoulder-height luggage climbed into a taxi. With her head just barely seen over the taxi window, Stacy drove off into the night, much to the pleasure of, well, everyone. Oh, but she wasn't gone yet. She continued to babble in the backseat of the cab for what seemed like minutes. Shut up Stacy, the credits are ending!

Just one little note before I wrap this baby up. I'm always excited for the Apprentice, but I think NBC has to calm down a little bit. They don't need to oversell it. I mean, the promo for next Thursday boasted "Another boardroom first!" Picture me on the edge of my couch salivating. But all I got was Trump saying "Something must be missing with you." Cricket cricket. So does every new Trump sentence deserve a promo? I don't know. We'll see...

Posted by at 12:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

So, it has been kind of a down season for Survivor, but we keep watching because we know, somewhere deep down inside, there is a lot of petty arguments and backstabbing to be had. We just have to take some of the bad to get to the good. The main problem we had was the presence of two tribes, each divided by gender, each with a strong block that wielded the power. People outside these main groups were getting picked off one by one, but about 3/4 of each team had no incentive to do any work in the actual game. As the numbers tighten and people start thinking about the merge, people are forced to think ahead farther than the next day. I'm happy to say that the scheming has returned to Survivor: Vanuatu, and we hope it's here to stay.

After the move last week to split up the tribes (Scout clearly picked the worst team for dodgeball every day on the playground), Yasur lost and voted out Travis, also known as Bubba, commonly referred to as the jackass with the Bob Barker shirt. That left Rory as the only man left in that tribe. Barring a miracle, i.e. Yasur winning a challenge, Rory was going to get the boot if the women stayed true to their original alliance. To save himself, he was going to have to do some masterful work in terms of manipulation, and he wasted no time in that task. He let it be known to a few people the night of that tribal council that he was not happy they were focusing on him first, and he was going to let them know they made a mistake letting that fact surface. It was pretty pointless of him, but it did elicit a great response from Scout who said Rory should get off of his pity pot, wipe his ass, and get on with it. It was pretty funny, and about the only worthwhile thing scout has done all season.

As it turns out, Rory came to his senses and managed to avoid being too confrontational. He said that he was unfairly judged, and his alliance was to Yasur and Yasur only. He reminded them that he couldn't go back to Lopevi, because they will all think he sold out Travis, and Lopevi loved Travis. He also said he wouldn't slave around the camp if these women did not give him a fair shot. All of his impassioned speech turned out to be a hoax, as Rory was simply trying to buy time. He said it was so cheesy, he couldn't believe it was actually coming out of his mouth. It's a strange transformation Rory has undergone since the split. Rory never liked Sarge, and especially hated taking orders from him, so I could actuall believe what Rory said about "not going back".

The reward challenge was fairly interesting, with a pretty simple goal. One person from each team would run had to run around a pig pen and pick a pig with their team colors and bring it over to a fenced in "holding area" until each team member brought bag two pigs. One person had the job of watching the gate to the fenced in area, so each team had to have a total of ten pigs. These sort of challenges are always fun because everybody gets really dirty and inevitably somebody slips and eats a bunch of mud. With all of these pigs running around, people made some funny moves to corner their pigs. I'm surprised they didn't just strip the pretenses and have people jell-o wrestling. Still, there was some great moments, especially watching Ami carry the pig like it was a new infant and Twila pouncing on a pig after getting it into a corner. We also saw a little boobage, thankfully from Leann this time, as she popped out of her bikini for a minute while chasing down her own swine. It proved to be fairly easy for people (don't be fooled by the added pig squealing they used during the show)., except for Eliza, who took a great deal of time to grab a pig, and then eventually gave up on the proposition. Things were really close, but after Eliza's gaffe, Lopevi pulled ahead and won 10-6, winning steak and eggs for their meal.

Lopevi enjoyed their meal and we once again have to take note of Twila's complete 180 turn after switching tribes. With the guys around, it looks like she is not intimidated by her lack of feminine grace, and simply works hard. She is now even forced to talk with Julie, which makes for a very interesting and dynamic. The are supposed to stick together because they are women, but share so few things in common it might be difficult to imagine them doing so for long. How different are they? Twila spends her spare time trying to get food, hanging with the rest of the guys. Trying to be their friend and letting them know she is not bound to her old alliance. Sarge, who said he loves the type of woman Twila is, even invited her to join him, Chad, and Chris in an alliance of four "until the end". This is the first time we have had "until the end" invoked, so it will be interesting to see how things go. It does put John and Julie in a tough spot. Well, not so much Julie. She hasn't really talked strategy with anybody, but she was able to get people thinking about keeping her around. Her plan? Sunbathe in the (partially) nude. Not fully nude, but she did lay down on the beach with her bare ass exposed, trying to rid herself of some tan lines. She also took off her top, but was face down. This activity might have turned people off of Richard Hatch, but it looks like it could help Julie. All of the guys were sneaking peaks at her, and Sarge freaked all of us out when he said his dreams are a lot more complicated with Julie around.

At Yasur, people really started to pile it onto Eliza. It wasn't so much her performance as her effort. She barely got dirty, and never got on her hands or knees, almost a prerequisite if you are trying to catch a pig. We also got a little bit more insight into who is running things around the Yasur camp. Although Scout was named chief, it is clearly only a figurehead position. She is the puppet and it is Ami who really has control of this team. Eliza pleads her case(very rambling and incoherent, I might add) to Ami, not Scout. Ami works hard to deflect attention, but she is clearly the one to look out for now.

The reward challenge was a little complicated, and required much more endurance than previous challenges. Each tribe member had to slide two pieces of a tiki statue along a rope that was strung around a canoe, up onto a platform and around the rungs of a ladder, under the water and around three hitching posts underwater, and then through another truss underwater, and on to the shore. It doesn't sound like a lot, but it required a lot of time underwater with very little rest. The first two to go were Ami and Chris, with Chris developing a decent lead over Yasur. It was clear after they were finished they were completely exhausted as they simply fell on the ground. Sarge and Rory were next, and although Sarge had a lead over Rory, he got a little fatigued at the hitching posts and Rory caught up, completely erasing the lead Lopevi had built and giving Leann, the next to go for Yasur a small headstart. Leann and Julie were next and they were about even, until it came to those hitching posts. The water became very choppy and Leann couldn't muster enough strength to get under water and around all three. Julie finished and John powered through the course and past Leann. Lopevi finished putting together the tiki pieces before Leann had even reached shore. It was the fourth challenge since the shuffle Yasur had lost, I guess all of that talk about getting rid of the young guys being bad for the tribe's success kind of went out the window.

As performances go, Leann was pretty bad, making people completely forget about what Eliza had done earlier that morning. At the Yasur camp, there was a lot of question as to who was going to leave. Rory's performance in the challenge all of a sudden made him a necessity, and it meant that one of the women would go home. Somehow, Leann's name failed to enter into the equation, and it looked like Eliza was going go home. I like Leann but it was crazy that her name wasn't being mentioned, because her performance really stuck out. Although I don't believe there is going to be more than two challenges before the merge, Leann showed she was a liability today, and deserved at least to come up during discussion based on that alone. A few people asked Rory, who was simply loving being safe and didn't really care, although he preferred Eliza to leave because she didn't try during the pig challenge. He even got a fist bump from Ami because, you know, he's black.

As Ami and Scout announced that they wanted to go look for some manioc root, Lisa said she wanted to go, just in case Ami wasn't around. This tipped off Ami, who is always concerned with Loyalty. She cut off Travis after he tried to relay some information to Chris, but it seemed strange for her to mention targeting Lisa for her comments. Everybody knew that when Ami and Scout went to look for manioc, it was code for "let's talk about who is going home tonight". Lisa simply wanted to get in on that discussion, and didn't really have intentions on Ami. Ami didn't take it that way and when Lisa mentioned Eliza, Ami said that she couldn't trust Lisa and would rather vote her out. This doesn't sound like a big deal, but Ami said this right in front of Lisa's face. Scout even said "This Lisa?", showing just how clueless and out of the loop she has become. Lisa tried to argue her case, but Ami would have none of it, even after Lisa "swore" on the imaginary Bible represented by Scout's hands. It was interesting because it is rare for people on Survivor to call each other out, too scared are people of it coming back to bite them. It was also the most overt display of power we had this year, as Ami knew she could get votes against anybody who was a threat to her.

At tribal council, the discussion centered on loyalty vs. the need to win challenges, clearly an attempt to try and stir some doubt about Rory's stance in the tribe. In the end, it was Lisa who went home as Ami, Rory, Leann, and Eliza voted for her. Scout and Lisa voted for Rory. As the names were being read, it was still a big surprise, even after the Ami/Lisa exchange just minutes before. If anybody had doubted what Ami was capable of, they learned last night. She has more control over this game than anybody, including Sarge. She is going to be a tough competitor after the merge, because it looks like she will have Leann, Eliza, Rory and possibly Scout on her side. Depending on who makes it to the merge from Lopevi, she can easily get Julie and has a good chance at bringing in John. Lisa might have posed a slight challenge to Ami after the merge, and I think that is why she wanted to get rid of her. The smartest choice for their short term success would have been scout, who basically can't do any challenge where she has to move around too often or physically exert herself. Eliza tried to make this point after the pig challenge when her own name was up, but babbled and didn't make sense. Since you can't sit out two in a row, perhaps Scout is going to do something to damage her status next week, but it looks like a lot of people want to keep her around because she is not going to be any threat when the individual challenges start.

It's now a race to the merge, probably one or two more episodes before it happens. Although Rory saved himself this week, it is going to be a constant challenge for him to stay among Yasur. Lisa is gone, but I don't think Ami will want to get rid of Eliza since she wants numbers as she goes forward. Scout's status is also interesting. I am not sure if she simply didn't get the message to vote for Lisa, or simply went against the rest of the group and voted for Rory, but neither scenario is a good one for her. At Lopevi, if they do manage to lose a challenge, it will be interesting to see who goes. Sarge said he wanted Twila with him until the end, so that theoretically makes it a toss up between Julie and John. The way the guys have been voting, not to mention all of their drooling over Julie's body, it wouldn't surprise me if they vote out John. After what he went through with the old guys at Lopevi, he will be open to something else. I think the old guys have to see this, and knowing John is going to be a huge threat during the individual challenges, we might even see the rare "let's throw this challenge" ploy in order to get rid of John. And we know how well those plans work out in the end.

Posted by at 9:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Is that from TVgasm? Are they finally writing about us?

We love feedback here at TVgasm, but in an effort to save everyone a little time, I thought I'd address some common questions that you, the readers, have been sending us

Are you going to cover Desperate Housewives? Yes. New TVgasm writer Grabz is going to be covering that. She's been travelling the past week or so, and, well, I've been too lazy to cover it in her absence.

How about Laguna Beach? Most likely. I sort of forgot to set a season pass for this show and now it's all that anyone can talk about. I'll have to catch a marathon this weekend. But I'll try to cover it as well.

How do we feel about America's Next Top Model? Mixed feelings. I wasn't that impressed with it, but there was a lot to make fun of and readers seemed to really like the snark. I might take a stab at some casual coverage.

Biggest Loser? Madeyoulaugh is on top of that already.

How about those great ABC reality shows like Wife Swap and The Bachelor Sorry. No can do.

Can you update the hotties? J-Unit is presently uploading photos of our favorite stars from this fall season.

J-Unit Adds:

I am so funny, I want to write for TVgasm! We are open to new writers, but you have to send us a writing sample, and not something from your senior year Dickens seminar.

Any other questions can be sent to staff@tvgasm.com.

Posted by at 4:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Sorry that I am a little late with this week's Smallville post. After the Yankees blew their 3-0 lead in the ALCS and lost to the Red Sox in such depressing fashion, the TVgasm Board of Directors had me placed under observation for the night just in case I do something to harm myself or others. Hey, when I said I was going to take a 9 iron to that guy's face, I was just joking! You use your 9 iron way too often during the course of a round of golf. If I wanted to bloody anything, it would have been a sand wedge. As it turns out, Smallville was sort of lackluster this week, and the big news is that Tom Welling's very outside shot of starring in the upcoming Superman movie fell through and Bryan Singer has tapped a relative unknown to play the lead role of Clark Kent/Superman. For those of you who didn't come here for updates on my mental health or the latest fanboy rumors, let's get on with this week's episode.

I love it when a show like Smallville starts off with some hip-hop music, because it means a little bit of a change of pace. In this case, it is an abandoned warehouse in Metropolis where a deal is about to go down. Remy Zero is for the prom, but if you need to show something has some edge you use...The Roots? Well, everybody in the TVgasm loves The Roots, but if Smallville wanted to get all gangsta, may I suggest some G-Unit, Wu-Tang, or Planet Asia? And if you are trying to show what a big player this guy doing the deal is, could you at least manage to get your hands on a Mercedes E-class that isn't three years old? At least give the poor guy and S-class. Anyway, we see this guy waiting around to do a deal and complaining about how the person is late. Just as those words are leaving his mouth, a slight gust of wind passes and the other half of the deal walks in, in the form of a kid who has some watches to sell. It turns out the gangster guy has hit the big time now, and so he isn't interested in the small stuff anymore. The kid is unhappy with his deal, so he says he is going to just take it all and leave, and he does exactly that, before the buyer has a chance to react.

We cut to Clark and his dad walking out of the hospital. Jonathan apparently needs even more heart medication, but they made something of their trip to Metropolis since Lex was able to score some sweet tickets to a game. Jonathan stops to pick up something at a newsstand, and just as Clark is leaving to pick up the truck, he notices sees another truck barreling out of control towards his father. Clark is just about to rush in and pull his father out of the way, but somebody else gets there first. As they discuss what happen Clark tells his dad that it was somebody else that saved him, but somebody who had Clark's super speed. Jonathan tells Clark that whoever saved him also swiped his wallet, which of course had the tickets for the game.

When they get home, Clark convinces his dad not to call the credit card company so he can get a chance to investigate whoever it was that stole the wallet, and has his speed ability. Martha is glad to see that Jonathan is OK, and he suggests a romantic evening together. Martha has been away managing the Talon, so she has had very little time, and she says she is busy again that night. I guess those of you waiting for some hot and heavy Annette O'Toole action are going to have to hold out for a few more weeks.

Clark tracks down the mystery kid/thief to his hotel and enters the room having heard the shower was on. He sees a lot of stolen merchandise and a backpack with a lightning bolt symbol that contains watches and some fake IDs. Apparently this kid is a criminal and is running from something. The kid catches clark snooping around and it becomes evident that not even Clark is able to keep track of him. Clark tries to confront him, but the kid changes clothes, grabs his backpack, and takes off. Clark gives chase but stops as the kid is about to hit the water. He runs so fast, his feet barely touch and he is able to run across no problem.

It turns out Clark didn't have to worry so much. When he returns home, he finds the kid eating at his kitchen table. Apparently, the kids was so impressed that there was somebody fast enough to keep up with him, even if for only a little while, and decided he had to get to know Clark more. It turns out the kid's name is Bart, and unlike every other odd commodity Clark has run into, he didn't get his powers from the meteor crash in Smallville. Bart always wondered if there was anybody else like him, and Clark was the first. It turns out Bart's parents couldn't deal with his abilities and he has been running ever since. Clark and Bart argue about how much his stealing hurts other people. Bart thinks it is a victimless crime, and Clark says he should use his powers to help people. Clark takes it upon himself to keep an eye on him, and so he follows Bart to Miami. You know, I am with Bart on this one. If I had the ability to fly to say, Vegas, have some breakfast and fly back in the space of a few hours, why shouldn't I? Oh wait, I live in LA and can already do that. Bad example, but you know what I mean.

Clark is envious of Bart because he uses his powers without thinking about hiding them. When they return to the Talon, they bump into Chloe(apparently back from getting her hair straightened at the salon). Bart asks what her favorite flower is, and when she responds, he leaves and comes back with a tulip. Chloe is amazed, but Clark is worried. Bart knows Clark has super speed as well and he also stumbled upon Clark's reaction to Kryptonite, so you can see why Clark would be nervous. Thankfully, Bart only has some cheesy lines for Chloe. When she asks where he is from, he says "The future. I ran all the way back 100 years just to tell you that we are still in love" Hey, it's better than "You must be tired, because you have been running through my mind all day." Do those work on anybody?

While Bart woos Chloe, and Chloe pretends she is interested, Clark's mom tells him that Lex wants to see him. When he gets to the mansion, Lex tells him he bought an ancient manuscript that had some symbols similar to the ones in the cave Clark spends so much time in. Clark recognizes them immediately as Kryptonian, but keeps that fact to himself. The letters read "look deeper" and when Clark uses his x-ray vision, he gets a glimpse of a map underneath. Just as he is leaving, he bumps into Bart, who has been checking out Lex's mansion. He tells Bart to leave right before Lex comes into the hallway and asks who Clark has been talking to. Clark can only put on a stupid grin and pretend nothing has happened. He did, however, decide that he needed to come back and get a better look at the manuscript and the map later that night. The only problem is, when he gets there, the manuscript is gone, and the security alarm is triggered and Lex catches Clark "in the act", although the manuscript is already gone, so Clark couldn't have taken it. Although both have said they wanted to patch things up this year, neither has been completely hones with each other, although it seems Lex had at least put in a good faith effort for a while.

Obviously, Bart took the manuscript, having heard how much it is worth, to take it back to sell it to his gangster friend. It turns out Lex put some feelers out to known criminals telling them to watch out for anybody selling such merchandise. When Bart tries to sell the merchandise, the thugs blindside him and knock him out. Lex walks in, sees that Bart is just a kid and tells the guy to leave them alone before the cops come. Looking to avoid repeating in his father's footsteps, Lex called the police, I guess in case things went wrong. The gangster's bodyguard pulls a gun, which Lex knocks away and proceeds to put a Lois-sized hurting upon him. Why do a I say Lois-sized? It looks like whatever military academy Lois got her fight training, Lex hung around for some pointers as well. He displays enough moves to knock out the bodyguard but can't get out of the way of a butt of the gun the other gangster had in his face, which knocks him out. Bart wakes up to see the muzzle of the gun now in his face, which of course cues Clark to rush in and save everybody. He knocks the gun away and throws the gangster out of the building, literally, sending him through the roof and into some trailer next door.

Another job well done? Not exactly. Bart remembered that Clark was allergic to Kryptonite, and places some near Clark to facilitate his own getaway. Clark pleads with Bart telling him he is not a murderer, he has seen the good in him, yada, yada, yada, don't do this to yourself, you are better than this, yada, yada, yada, you still have a choice in what to do with your life, yada, yada, yada. If you don't get the point, there was a big clichéd speech about seeing the good in yourself and using your powers to help people. Bart seals the kryptonite back in lead, but runs away with the manuscript anyway.

Back in Smallville, Martha and Jonathan come together and Martha says she is so sorry she has spent so much time away from home. Martha talked to Lana earlier about why she was working so late, explaining that whenever she was around Jonathan, it only reminded her of how sick he was. She worked late so she wouldn't think about it. Lana said that if she acted that way, it was as if she had already lost him. God, who knew one summer in Paris could make you so thoughtful and relevant in matters of love? Martha thanks Lana, saying it took her to realize how important it is to share all your feelings with the people you love. Lana is hit with the irony of this statement, since she had an argument with Jason earlier in the day about her tattoo. This exchange leads Lana to tell Jason all about her tattoo, and show him the cave where the symbol is. It takes a little while for him to take in all of the whole supernatural side of things, but he tells Lana he is behind her all the way. It also leads Martha to invite Jonathan for some fun that involves him, sweat, soap, a sponge, and a hose. I guess Trashy Lingerie maid's outfit was impractical at the time.

Clark visits Lex at his mansion and finds out the manuscript has returned. They both play dumb about what it contains. Clark takes a second look at it, and we see that Lex has had the manuscript experts take a look as well. They both know about the map, but don't tell each other. Clark is sketching the map back at his farm, when Bart shows up. As predicted, he thanks Clark for being his friend. Bart tells Clark that he is going to search the world for people like them, and that they should join a club, or a league. For those of you not up to date in your DC Comics, the league comments is an allusion to the Justice League, a group of superheroes, that are committed to saving earth. Their primary members are Superman, Batman, The Flash (presumably Bart in a few years), and The Green Lantern. I hope that comment was made in passing, because I would seriously bring that sand wedge out again if I have to see how Clark meets Bruce Wayne before he is Batman, etc., etc. Still, maybe it is an interesting way to add some story lines for the time period after Clark graduates and he has to do something with his life.

Overall, a pretty flat episode. Not terribly exciting, and simply moved the plot along a little bit. Then again, maybe it just seemed a little boring since nobody in the high school was sex crazed over each other for once this season. We did get some insight that there might be other people like Clark out there, but maybe not with all of his abilities. Perhaps they slotted this episode knowing that people might be watching baseball, but let's hope they get back on track with some good episodes before the playoffs are over.

Posted by at 12:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

In a TV landscape dominated by courtroom realism, it's nice to have UPN's light dramedy Kevin Hill around to clear out the Dick Wolfe stink. Okay, maybe the Law and Order franchise isn't exactly "stink", but if you're like me, you're getting a little tired of humorless DAs and brooding synthesizer chords. Therefore I take solace in the cleverly written although dubiously realistic world of Kevin Hill. I mean, what fun is there to be had with ugly lawyers who don't suffer from Junior Prom scars? That's right. I like my lawyers pretty, sensitive, and capable of a Hollywood closing statement. Yay!

In the world of Kevin Hill, Grey & Associates is the lawfirm we call home. This is where four of the most attractive lawyers of all time meet to gossip on puffy couches and then scurry into back rooms to get tough with clients. True, most lawfirms are not designed to look like college dormitory lounges, but hey, this IS a UPN legal show. Poor David E. Kelly. After years of populating his courtroom dramas with hotties - or at least really really skinny girls (Calista Flockhart, Lara Flynn Boyle, Cameryn Manheim - wait scratch the last one) - his dream lawfirm still has nothing on the Grey & Associates gene pool.

Things happen very conveniently at Kevin Hill's workplace. Wealthy clients seem to drop in the day before their trials, which is so fortunate because usually they impart a life lesson that Kevin really needs to deal with at that moment. Last night's episode featured a smug jerk whose dating service failed to match a dorky guy with a compatible girl. But could Kevin's client be blamed because the plaintiff wasn't the right fit??? Well, funny that the show had mentioned this topic because it just so happened that in Kevin's personal life, he was looking to enroll his baby girl into preschool but was debating whether or not the super elite Hunter-Blake was the right fit. How do you like that? I wonder if through the course of the trial Kevin will realize aligning yourself with the best doesn't mean anything if you're not the right fit.

Not so surprisingly, Kevin Hill changed his mind about the snotty preschool. After spending an entire episode kissing up to the admissions office and going so far as to procure a letter of recommendation from, uh, Billy Baldwin (don't ask), Kevin of course - of course - marched out of the school just as he'd finally made some inroads. Oh Kevin Hill - so clutch! Always doing the right thing at the last second. Well, usually the right thing. He did scowl at a little boy this episode. That was awesome.

When Kevin's not moseying around with his baby and dealing with his gay-and-funny-in-a-way-that-Kevin-McCormack-could-never-be nanny, he's usually tending to the various other pretty faces in his life. Dame, his best bud from his old (and evil, apparently) lawfirm, seems to never have any clients or other friends because he inevitably shows up at Grey & Associates at least once an episode to toss some super awesome tickets at Kevin. On the pilot episode, Dame had passes to the Maxim party at the Palms in Las Vegas. The next week he had tickets to the Victoria's Secret party. Last night? Knick vs. Nets courtside. As usual, Kevin had to bail on his hetero lifemate which meant that Veronica (who just happens to be Kevin's law partner and oh yeah, ex) got to go in his place.

Little did we know that this basketball pairing was the beginning of a love rhombus formation. You see, we knew Dame was going to fall for Veronica when she spouted off all sorts of random Stephan Marbury stats and commentary. Plus, when she revealed herself to be a Nets fan (oh SNAP! She's from from New Brunswick, NJ!), we knew we had a case of opposites attract. Of course we could tell Veronica was a huge Nets fan because the next day she kept babbling about Allan Houston giving her a pair of sneakers. Never mind that Allan Houston is, you know, on the Knicks.

Elsewhere in the lovelorn world of Gray & Associates, Nicollete apparently was having difficulty letting go of a really really bad junior prom. This was evidenced by her accidentally spilling a mug of hot tea on a water delivery man. You see, Nicolette is supposed to be the emotional, poorly defined character. When we first met her, she was scatterbrained and dropping files. Then moments later she was a shark during a settlement. In tonight's episode, she took us for a lovely ride through all her multiple personalities as she started off shy and clumsy, became bitter and emotional, then just bitter, and then finally sharp and confident in the courtroom. I guess this character Wheel of Fortune is fine for now, but the writers might want to buckle down sometime soon and try to figure out what exactly the deal is with her. Maybe they can also explain the uncanny Toni Colette resemblance too.

Next week brings Rhea Perlman back into our lives as a social worker - a role that seems somehow appropriate. I'm also hoping that Michael Michele gets something meatier to do other than prance around in big green jackets. I'm sure though that whatever happens, Kevin Hill will still learn an important lesson. Aww...

Posted by at 12:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Monday marked the super sized debut of The Biggest Loser on the National Broadcast Network. In which a ton of people compete for a $250,000 prize. When I say ton of people, I mean a ton of people. The combined weight of the competitors is over 3,000lbs. I haven't seen this many breasts on men since...well just about any time I drive through West Hollywood. Ok, bad example.

The Premise of the show is to lose the most weight but not through "sucking and tucking" (which is only 1 letter off from one of my favorite movie titles) but through some new fad called "diet and exercise"?? Ummm..I know, I'm with you on this. Diet and exercise just sounds ugly. Why on earth would I want to do that? I can't help but feel bad for these chunky monkeys as I sat there watching this show with my thin crust (low carb) pizza and wearing my Ab Tronic abdomen shocking belt, (its like doing 1000 sit-ups while I just sit there!!)

The hostess of the show is, appropriately, the bulge battling Caroline Rhea. Or as I like to refer to her, "the only D list celeb other than Craig T. Nelson or Geraldo to come out of my alma mater U of A." Initially, I thought that Caroline Rhea was a wonderful idea to host since she herself has public ally struggled with squeezing into her thin pants. I thought it was sensitive of the directors to have it hosted by a fun, full figured woman and not dangle some ridiculously fit high energy douche-bag in front of the chubby cheeked faces of the obese contestants. Moments later we meet Jillian, the high energy, ridiculously fit douche-bag of the show. She leads 1/2 of the competitors through a rigorous diet and exercise regimen which looks so not fun. Her method, "The Eat Less Diet" HOLY INNOVATIVE BATMAN!! What think tank came up with that one? Basically, she makes her team eat fewer calories than they burn through out the day. I'm cool with that as long as my Ab Shocker can burn at least a couple beers some pizza and wings worth of calories, plus 2 more. Her other method, wear no clothes to make the fatty's feel even worse about themselves, and then when they can't feel any worse yell at them and remind them they will "cry and puke today."

I have a certain distain for most self proclaimed exercise gurus or "__fill in the blank__" to the stars, or attractive people in general. Sadly for Jillian, she�s all three. (and by attractive I mean in the "looked like she was once a man" kinda way) I'm really not qualified to psycho-analyze...but I will anyways. People who are this nasty to others and then guise it as "I'm just giving tough love" I am convinced were molested as children by someone close to them, and uncle, a priest...pick a clich� any clich�. This broad, is just so nasty to people the only thing that can redeem her in my mind as anything less than Satan, is if she had some "uncle-daddy time" growing up.

By contrast, the blue team is lead by trainer Bob. Trainer Bob is more of a Zen-like guy. His dieting method, the "eat more" diet. I like the sound of that one. Smaller portions of 4 to 6 servings a day combined with a rigorous yet loving work out session. It is through this he hopes to get Maurice down to his Rubin Studdard weight.

I guess some of the Oprah watching never-fulls are upset with the show thinking it exploits the obese in this country and makes them objects of mockery. To those soon to be extreme make-over candidates, I say put some more food in that gab hole of yours and shut up. One of the phrases repeated on the show was "new lease on life." During an interview with Extra last night, one of Oprah's Orca's was upset by that term stating "I am happy with my life, and don�t feel they are in a place to tell me I need a new lease on it just because I�m a little overweight." First of all Krispy Kream, unless the camera now adds 112 lbs, you were a little more than a little overweight. Secondly, just because you are content with your ding-dong, ring-dings, and ho-ho's some people may find their addiction to food a burden and do want to improve their health and fitness. At 440 lbs some of these people have no choice but to pray a show like this picks them to jump start their lives and motivate them to change their life.

This show not only does good by its contestants, but it also does good by its viewers. How exciting could it possibly be to watch some people diet? VERY!

The show has positive morals, and good lifestyles being portrayed. And with a weekly weigh-in in every episode, the time line for what they lived and how we see is more consistent than some other shows out there. We can track their successes and failures. But having lost just under 180lbs in the 1st week of the show, I feel the show is off to a great start to really change the lives of the contestants for the better.

I give this show the TVGasm stamp of approval. (which I believe we may be selling soon in our online sell-out....shop...our online shop)

In addition to being a nice show, it�s good to see where Wendy the Snapple Lady has gone, as well as the son of Rev Jim, from Taxi.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 11:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

The battle for Bunim/Murray prediction bragging rights is well under way, and after one week of scoring, it looks like we are going to have a great competition for our own take on the Real World/Road Rules fantasy challenge. People are obviously spending close to thirty seconds each day wondering which of the wonderful items they want at the TVgasm store. It's too early to judge who is going to have the best team, but I will remind everybody of B-side's statement when the competition was announced:

It should be noted that I've dominated the past four RW/RR Fantasy Challenge leagues.

Good luck to all who face me.

Trash talk is always encouraged, so if you have something to say, leave a comment below.

People still interested in scoring some swag are invited to join the league for themselves.

UPDATE: The full rankings are available in a table after the jump.

Posted by at 12:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Somebody's a little sexually frustrated. No, not Sarah (she's only sexually desperate). It's Karamo, our favorite stereotype busting/reinforcing man who was last seen bestowing his royal dap on rubber-faced MJ. Yes, after last week's episode of The Real World: Philadelphia dealt with the ongoing sagas of Sarah, MJ, Shavonda, Landon and their Friends-ish flirtations, it was time to swing the pendulum back towards the interesting people- or person really - and learn about Karamo's love life. For all those wanting the abstract version, it sort of goes like this: No one understands Karamo, Karamo starts dating a personal trainer, Karamo says he doesn't want to get intimiate, Karamo gets intimate, Bunim/Murray plays happy music. And as a little cherry on top of the sundae, somehow Melanie slipped into this Karamo-centric episode. Wow, a little something for everyone!

The show started off with obligatory shots of Philadelphians watering lawns and such. Good morning Philly! It's a beautiful day. Let's see what's going on in the Real World mansion. Maybe Sarah wants to arrange a flower picking trip. Maybe MJ wants to go on a picnic. Maybe Shavonda wants to catch butterflies. Or maybe Karamo just wants to find some butt sex. Yeah, that's what it is. Karamo plunged us right into the storyline by confessing that he is super sexually frustrated, as evidenced by his intensity with an arcade game. Bunim/Murray of course was quick to parallel Karamo's horniness with the Street Fighter characters beating each other. Yes, when I want to get me some, I often think that I'm a beast-type character doing kung fu.

Soon it became clear why Karamo was feeling so, uh, blue. Turned out he had a crush on a trainer named Dorian at his gym, the Philadelphia Sports Club. It's funny - I had NO idea that was their gym. It's not like I see massive product placement for it EVERY episode. I suppose it's better than the lame Saturn Ions and Chili's Money on the Real World/Road Rules Challenges. Nevertheless, Karamo and Mel headed off to the PSC to visit/ogle Dorian and determine whether or not he was gay. Their gaydar tests were inconclusive, but that didn't stop Karamo from having a goofy, lovestruck smile on his face. For her part, Melanie got stuck with a gym membership, which means there'll be no more Melanie bashing on the treadmills for MJ and Sarah. The upside: maybe we'll see Melanie more now that she can take part in the walk-to-the-gym conversations that seem to happen about ten times an episode. Seriously, let's just rename this season Real World: Gym.

Fitting awkwardly into Karamo's epic quest for booty was a snooze-inducing B story involving community service the group was doing for the Philly Soul. The Real Worlders all descended upon a noble organization called the Northern Home for Children which we were told "really believes in bringing kids to their fullest potential." I hate to break it to these people, but they do realize they have Real Worlders helping them out, right? "Fullest potential" and "Real World stars" don't always go hand in hand, unless that potential lies in the slutty or drunken realms. Nevertheless, the group went about playing with the kids in a rowdy game of basketball. MJ was kind enough to hoist one kid up to dunk the ball in the net. Unfortunately, he forgot to actually bring the kid down again, leaving the boy to dangle on the rim of the basket. Oops.

At the end of the day, everyone climbed into the minivan to go home. No one explained why MJ had enormous sweat stains all over his t-shirt, but I guess that's because the spotlight momentarily shifted onto Melanie. How about that? She finally graduated from the world of feeding the fish in random cutaway shots. This wasn't necessarily a good thing, we soon discovered, because Melanie apparently has a problem with traffic. Transforming into a backseat driver - and I mean way backseat (she was in the third row) - Melanie criticized Landon's driving skills with suitable levels of passive aggression. Poor, sensitive Landon grew furious and the next day - during a walk to the gym, natch - he complained to MJ about her. MJ's response? Punch her in the nose. Ha ha ha, wait what?

While Landon pondered how he would deal with the big, bad bully that is Melanie, Karamo and Willie traipsed off to a gay bar where they ran into... (wait for it)... Dorian! Who would have thought? Anyway, Karamo and Dorian embraced with excitement, but because they still seemed to doubt each other's sexual orientation, they administered one last litmus test. "Are you into art and stuff?" Dorian asked. Bingo! Cue Lloyd Banks singing "On Fire" and images of Dorian's hand perilously close to Karamo's buttocks. But despite Dorian losing his shirt at warp speed, the only nookie Karamo seemed to get was from Willie, who gave him a quick "good job" peck on the cheek. Was it me, or did anyone else expect Karamo to punch Willie in the face?

Speaking of violence-inducing, Melanie strengthened her bid for house pariah as she and Landon butted heads over some playground schematics. "I don't like it," she kept saying as the group toured a potential site for a playground. Flustered, Landon revealed in his interview that "this" is what he had spent three years in college studying. Uh, so Landon has a major in playground design? Eh, probably not. He's not that dumb. Right?

Tired of Melanie's Debbie Downer attitude, Willie told her to essentially shut up, which caused her to be introspective for a moment. "Sometimes people think I'm bitchy or too opinionated, but I like those things about me," she told the camera. In other news, Hitler just called to say "Sometimes people think I'm evil or too kill-happy, but I like those things about me." Congratulations Melanie. You finally realize what it takes to be a quintessential Real Worlder: complete selfishness. Expert psychoanalyst Sarah took this moment to weigh in on the situation. "Mel needs to find a happy medium between strong female and overzealous," she noted, adding: "For instance, I think raging slut is a perfectly fine balance."

Later, Melanie grew irritable about the traffic - again - which prompted an emergency "Let's talk about Mel behind her back" session. Everyone (minus Mel) vented their frustrations/hatred and then just to be sure that an outcast had been officially anointed, they literally asked if the consensus was that Mel sucked. Affirmative. The roommates then reassured themselves that Mel was the only one who was the butt of group hatred. That is until next week when Landon gets drunk and annoys everyone.

Hey, this would be a good place to have sex!

In other news, Willie's boy toy Dan returned from his hectic schedule as flight attendant/gay cliché. Ready to bring good cheer and incredibly high levels of blandness to the house, Dan snuggled up with Willie while Karamo went off on his first date with Dorian. The two had a nice little dinner, talked about being black and gay and yada yada yada no nookie. Yes, strong, confident Karamo ended the night not by making a move, but by running away from Dorian. This resulted in an interminable lecture from bland Dan about opening up and lowering your walls and enjoying vanilla ice cream. Karamo's response: I won't be intimate for the next four months. I'm sure that will work out well. Sort of like when Karamo said he wasn't going to be the angry black man. Oh wait...

So with Dan's saltine cracker personality inspiring him, Karamo went on a second date with Dorian. This time he really backed up his words and didn't get intimate at all, and by "didn't get intimate at all", I mean he made out with Dorian in the phone lounge. Eh, he's entitled. Now he doesn't have to hang out with Willie's annoying friend Diana anymore.

Next week it looks like Melanie returns to her cave as the spotlight once again focuses on Landon and Shavonda and the 18 beers that might just keep them apart. Let's just hope we don't have to see gratuitous footage of Landon puking. Then again, what sort of Bunim/Murray show would be without a little vomit?

Posted by at 2:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

When in the course of reality events, it becomes necessary for one production company to dissolve the the bonds of originality that have separated their show from every other. That production company is Bunim/Murray and the result of all that lack of originality becomes the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Forget that you see the same people returning year after year. Forget that you see the same host returning year after year. I think everybody knows that on its good days, this show is a glorified quasi-celebrity bitchfest. Admittedly, the producers have shown they can make that enjoyable. On the days there isn't a lot of ill will being spread around all over the place, the show turns into some sort of lame version of Where Are They Now crossed with Fear Factor, and those episodes have me reaching reaching for the whiskey bottle pretty quickly. I figure that going throgh the show drunk or passed out is much more tolerable.

Unfortunately for me, I have been trying to save my liver function for the weekend. There are a lot of great parties in Hollywood at this time of year, but few will match the party that is the Battle of the Sexes. After Abram took all of their toilet seats last week, I was ready for the aftermath. The girls would be pissed, the girls would be out for revenge, the girls would be....uh, getting drunk by the pool and hooking up with the guys? I'll admit, it is hard with all of those hot bodies around, including those guys who like to drop trou (Ace) and those girls who like to get drunk, hookup, and flash their boobies (Tonya). However, we are supposed to have a rivalry here! You shouldn't be sleeping with the enemy, let alone cohabiting the same place. And if you are near each other, you should be hating it. I had the pleasure of spending the weekend in Dallas during the Red River shootout. There were fans of Texas and Oklahoma in my hotel, and although there was plenty of security to prevent fighting indoors, you can just tell that the people wanted nothing to do with each other. They sure as hell weren't trying to spark a romance like Abram and Coral at the beginning of this show (more on that later).

To tell you the truth, I can understand why the producers would throw this lot by a pool, give them lots of booze(Derrick had a tight grip on his beer bong), and tell them to have at it. After all, drunken hookups are a staple of the franchise. I also think that it is more important to cultivate some sort of rivalry between the sides, because the hookups will always be there. While all of the smoochy smoochy is going on, we are missing keeping the likes of Coral, Tina, Tonya, Rachel, and Robin all locked up together under the same roof. With guys around, they have something to keep their minds off of how much they hate each other. Instead of complaining about how big of a slut somebody is, we have a scene of the girls fawning over Adam, of all people, and his Real World "freestyle". I guess it could be more aptly named Real World slam poetry, because it was clearly rehearsed. I am sure he came up with it and performs in front of people using lots of body gyrations, all in an attempt to make people forget he grew up in Beverly Hills and probably listens to lots of emo.

So what about this week's competition? Everybody was told to wear a bathing suit and shoes, although I am not sure why they feel it's necessary to be appraised of everybody's wardrobe. It's not like anybody is going to be asked to wear a sweater in the middle of Texas in the summer. The challenge for the week was called "Snake Pit Poker". The challenge was actually pretty decent, because a lot of people are afraid of snakes, so this was going to be equally difficult for the girls and the guys. Everybody had step into a small box, each with about 150 snakes, and grab five poker chips. You could only grab five and you had to wait for your "pit boss" to give the OK before the next person stepped in. The goal was to get exactly 175 poker chips and the team with the shortest time would win. There would be penalties for early entry into the box, for collecting any chips while not fully inside of the box or while standing on the platform used to get out of the box, and for any chips over or under the 175 chip total. For captains, the guys chose Brad, Theo, and Frank, and the girls chose Aneesa, Cameran, and Coral.

Now, I was surprised that Cameran would ever be chosen as a captain, because she really isn't here for the competition and repeatedly states that everybody takes things too seriously, so it was great to see her next to Coral, who takes the completely opposite attitude. As for the actual challenge, it didn't look that bad. 150 snakes sounds like a lot, but they were mostly spread off in one corner or another and people really didn't get that close. To tell you the truth, I was wondering how many of the snakes were actually alive, since I saw a few shots of snake skins after they had moulted. The camera zoomed in a couple of times and made it look like a couple of people were bitten, but I wondered if that was actually the case. If people were being bitten, we surely would have heard about it, right? And at least one of the girls would have screamed or started crying, correct? The biggest injury out of the whole thing was when Theo misjudged his exit out of the snake pit and put a gash in his shin. The only person who was even the least bit feisty was Jonny Mosley, who got a little upset when there were a string of three or four penalties in a row. He's night quite Jeff Probst testy though.

If you hadn't figured it out yet, the game had nothing to do with poker other than the chips, but I guess "Snake Pit Counting to 175" doesn't have the same sort of ring to it. The girls had four penalties and the guys had two, one by Abram, one by Ace. The girls ended up with 176 chips, which Coral said was impossible because she was counting. Although the girls had the lead early in the game (or at least the people interviewed said the girls had the lead early in the game), the guys stepped up and beat the girls in time. Add on the penalties for both sides, and the guys team came out victorious. For their trouble, they got some low rider bikes, so make sure to look for them all on ebay because it's not like any of these fools are going to use them in LA.

The inner circle was boring again. The guys, based their challenge on performance, which meant that Abram or Ace was up for elimination because of the penalties. They eventually chose Ace because he also did poorly in the first challenge. There wasn't even much drama on the girls side. After about two minutes, everybody decided on Cameran, which is a pretty good choice since she wasn't exactly slamming any of the competitions and she really wasn't there for the whole "competition" part of the challenge, so it can be seen as some dead weight. One last confusing part of the challenge is the whole "Elimination HIll" thing. Elimination hill is some mound of dirt a little bit away from the rest of the challenge complex. I think it would be more aptly named "Fake Goodbye Rock", but that's just me. Cameran told the girls she hopes they win, and the guys showered Ace with beer while he sipped from a handle of Jack Daniel's. I don't watch the Real World, so I consistently wondering why everybody thinks this guy is cool. He was the first to leave the Inferno, and the second to leave Battle of the Sexes 2. Perhaps he is fun in real life and so all of his friends on the show give him praise, but he's just a huge pussy from what I have seen of him on the television. Still, he is better than having to watch CT.

Bunim/Murray clearly projected that Ace was going to be gone by focusing on him so much in the early going. With so many people the cast and only about twenty minutes of actual air time, they don't spend too much time on people who aren't at least threatened to be going home. Same could be said for Abram and Coral, but they were the misdirection in this case. Apparently the rumors were true and there is a little something going on there. Coral said Abram was a very important part of her life, and Abram, after a couple of minutes of incoherent semi-philosophical babbling (Ovid, he is not), said that Coral would be a challenge, but he wouldn't have it any other way. This relationship is surely bound to last, and I am sure Coral is getting relationship advice from the Miz, since he seems to be able to stay together with a Bunim/Murray alum for at least two weeks in a row. I can tell that Abram is sincere about love, at least until the next threesome shower opportunity with Veronica comes calling.

At least I have The Passion of the TVgasm to keep me interested.

Posted by at 11:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

This latest incarnation of The Surreal Life has the house guests going through some interesting activities. While they aren't exactly at the level of The Apprentice or Amazing Race, the producers have kept it enjoyable and haven't asked too much of our little group of musicians. Unfortunately, when it came time to choose who was going to produce their first single, they chose perhaps the least talented musician in the house and one five years removed from any quest at the pop charts. As many of us watched the train wreck more formally called "Jordan Knight Attempts Producing a Hit Single" we all wondered just how badly it would sound. It turned out worse than almost anybody could have imagined, but it should be enough to keep any more Jordan Knight musical efforts away from human consumption for at least another five years.

On the last episode, we had a cliffhanger of Ryan Starr storming off to the bathroom. To her defense, Jordan was in the midst of making a horrible musical collaboration. He wasn't listening to anybody besides Flavor Flav and was producing a track that would have sounded old in 1999. The killer for Ryan, however, was the song was R&B, and she maintained that she was strictly a rock singer and that it felt like she was going through an American Idol experience all over again. For the most part, she is right. She is, after all, getting a lot more free publicity an exposure than she could have imagined to have received on her own. Still, Ryan thinks that singing on this track will ruin her career, when in fact it is her bitchy attitude and "I'm too hot for this" demeanor that is going to do her in.

Nevertheless, she is a talented vocalist and she was going to have to perform for this song to have any chance of sounding halfway decent. Brigitte Nielsen showed up at the bathroom door first, seemingly with the intent on talking Ryan out of there. She knocked a couple of times and was very sweet. Ryan, who was clearly trying to get some more attention focused on her after Jordan had soaked it up, kept the door locked and said she wasn't coming out. Then the sequence changed course and we learned that Brigitte really only wanted to pee. She them slammed on the door angrily, and was about to walk away when Ryan unlocked the door and let her in. While Ryan sobbed, Brigitte Nielsen told her to be strong and go out there and do it, presumably but not before letting Ryan know she had almost pissed herself. After that inspiring pep talk, Ryan left the bathroom and put on a brave face for the rest of the session.

If you remember from last time, the session was quite the mess. Jordan was pulling off a production only slightly more professional than my sixth grade choir's version of "Wind Beneath My Wings". I don't remember my choir teacher's name, but I knew she at least could spot the talented voices among us, and knew how to hide some of the lesser talented from making all of us look bad. It seems that Jordan takes the opposite approach, either intentionally or because he has no sense of harmony, melody, rhythm, tempo, etc. You name it, he's missing it, and it has nothing to do with the lack of being "classically trained". To make matters worse, he was on a time crunch, and had to get more pieces of the track laid down and figure out a way to incorporate everybody's talents.

With only several hours left on their deadline, they had only accomplished to lay down the exceedingly cheesy beats and record a little bit of Charo on the guitar. Ryan did a few sample vocals, and Jordan immediately began to go on to more important parts, which meant it was time for Flavor Flav, Dave Coulier, and of course himself, to do their parts. Brigitte was passed out on the couch, not really paying attention. In retrospect, she probably had the right attitude about the whole thing. If you can't hear the music, it won't give you nightmares. Flav was doing the drums, which made Jordan happy and didn't sound all that bad, but the engineer did take issue with it, saying it didn't make sense for the song. Part of the problem Jordan's demonstrated all along was his inability to take any input on his ideas from people other than Flavor Flav, and the engineer is a great example. He was experienced, had worked with bands that have put out albums in the last few years, and also had an idea of how to run a recording session.

When it came time for Jordan to show us what he was made of, he stepped into the studio and began to sing. Well, at least I think it was singing, and I was pretty sure what I had seen on television was singing. If I were to wager on the sound without knowing the source, I would have guessed it was somebody getting their wisdom teeth pulled without the benefit of an anesthetic. The howling was god awful and Jordan had the sound of an alto tenor trying to do a falsetto that was way out of his range. Everybody else in the studio knew it was bad, and they did the right thing by laughing without mercy at his efforts. Jordan assured everybody it would sound great on the track, and while Flav did his own thing trying to get a few more drum beats, Jordan found time, with only a few hours left, for one of the most important parts of the track. Dave Coulier on the trumpet.

What's that you say? Dave Coulier doesn't play the trumpet. Well, we all know that. Dave Coulier was synthesizing the trumpet himself, which is fine if you are trying to do your best Officer Jones impersonation from Police Academy, but not if you are trying to make actual music. I feel bad for Dave, because I think he understood how ridiculous it was, but Jordan was the boss, so who was to argue with him? About this time, Charo began to get really pissed at how bad all of this was sounding and wondering about Jordan's priorities. She stormed off and when Jordan went to follow her, she went into a tirade that was hard to understand but involved some sort of mix of the phrases "Jordan Knight", "ka ka", "worst producer ever" and "sucks" over and over. Jordan didn't really care, because you know, why should you listen to somebody who has been in the recording industry for thirty years?

Soon after, Ryan decided that she really didn't want to do the vocals, for real this time. Flavor Flav went over to try and understand what was going on, and Ryan once again explained how she was a rock singer, not an R&B singer, and that she didn't want to feel forced into doing a track. Flav wanted everybody to be happy, so they decided he would tell Jordan that Ryan wanted out and that Brigitte had to do the vocals instead. For the life of me, I can't understand why Ryan is complaining about this track so much. She thinks that singing R&B or pop will typecast her and prevent her from being a rock musician. The simple fact of the matter is that many artists had to get gigs that weren't exactly everything they wanted. Sheryl Crow (a favorite among at least half of the people in the TVgasm offices) used to sing background for Michael Jackson, and that didn't exactly prevent her from music stardom. Ryan has become a little spoiled at all of the publicity she's received with very little actual work. I'm sure many musicians, not to mention most of the audience is sick of her whining. Shut up and sing already, this is clearly Jordan Knight's masterpiece, it won't tarnish your name any more than Prophercy 3 did for Christopher Walken.

Flav made the case to Jordan, and they agreed that they would try and get Brigitte to sing. Fortunately for everybody involved, she had been passed out for several hours and was nowhere near coherent. She said she wanted strawberries to wake up, and Flav ran around but could only find an apple, orange, and a banana. While he fed Brigitte the banana (a spectacle unto itself), Ryan came to her senses and decided it wouldn't be so bad to sing, perhaps reminded of how bad Brigitte had sung several hours earlier. She stopped pouting and started to sing, and even admitted that she was "getting into it", and thank god, because she has the most talent outside of Charo, and without her, Jordan may have been tempted to sing more to make up for Brigitte. With only a few minutes left and Brigitte awake, they had to find something for her. They decided to have her speak a little sultry Danish at the outset of the track. Two minutes later, it was all done.

What became of the track? You can see the finished product at VH1.com. Still, to get a sense of how bad all of this was, you have to take it in without the video, which almost enables you to sit through the whole thing without cringing. So, for your enjoyment, TVgasm brings you the full audio in mp3. [audio link fixed, hat tip: B-side]

Posted by at 10:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Last year, enough people buzzed about America's Next Top Model that I figured I'd check out the show this season, but unfortunately limitations on Tivo capacity and, you know, my desire to actually have a life beyond watching TV sort of killed that plan. TV trends don't pass me lightly though, so I finally buckled down and watched an episode. To my surprise, I thought it was really great. How could you not love the fascinating challenges, the interesting personalities, and the intense elimination process? Oh wait, I'm talking about The Apprentice. Sorry. No, despite all the talk, America's Next Top Model lacks a certain charm or intrinsic value that other reality franchises seem to have, but for what it's worth, the show was passable entertainment and certainly not out of range for some good old TVgasm snark.

I guess I knew I was in trouble when I was rudely introduced to "Tyra Mail". Not nearly as cool as Survivor's "Tree Mail", Tyra Mail arrived in a garish pink envelope that made me wonder if this alternate postal service was headquartered in South Beach. Anyway, the Tyra Mail alerted the beehive of intellectually challenged models that they had to put on their Tyra Clothes, leave the Tyra Apartment, take a Tyra Cab, and go to the Tyra YWCA. I wonder - when Tyra Banks gets Tyra Mail, does she just call it... mail? Or maybe "Me Mail"?

At the YWCA, the gals met Jay Alexander, a cross-dressing runway maven who's sort of like the Phil Jackson of catwalks, except, whereas Phil Jackson has a legacy, Jay Alexander has, uh, makeup. As Jay pranced around and introduced last year's winner of the competition, wide-eyed Kirsti wondered why he was wearing dresses and stuff. "Why doesn't someone explain Jay?" she asked. This was followed with a Very Special Episode of America's Top Model called "Kirsti meets her first gay person."

While Kirsti marveled at the cultural oddity that was Jay, reigning Top Model (that most of America has never heard of, despite being "Top") Yoanna imparted her wise knowledge to the group. Focus on yourselves, she said, adding "You're so young." Yes, I remember when Yoanna was just a young pup in the world of modeling. My how the time has flown - since May.

After some more lame pep talk, Jay had the girls walk around with books on their heads. For his part, he changed into a strange black dress that left him looking less haute couture and more ho' couture. Seriously, he looked like one of those crackwhore bit players that populate The Sopranos from time to time. After the book balancing grew tiresome, Jay upped the stakes and had the ladies don massive headdresses which made me wonder if these women were training to be models or featured performers in the Las Vegas Showgirl Rodeo. Apparently the task was arduous, leading Jennipher to complain that the headdresses were the "most awfullest things to wear." Poor Jennipher. She was hoping that day would be funner, but it was the most baddest day ever. Actually, the most awfullest thing ever will be when she finds out that for all her life she's been misspelling her name.

In time the girls were finally rewarded for all their hard work. Jay took them out for a night out on the town, but at the first club they went to, a line outside caused Jennipher to raise her misspelled eyebrows. She knew something was up, she reasoned, because there was a line. Are club lines a new phenomenon? Last time I checked, they're pretty common. Anyway, Jennipher's intuition actually served her well since in the club the ladies were surprised by the designers of "Heatherette" which is evidently a fashion line devoted to making women look like drag queens. Norelle (not to be confused with the Norelco Spectra Electric Shaver) nearly made ka ka in her pants upon meeting the Heatherette guys (word is still out if the two men are referred to as Heatherette as a whole, but this just in: no one cares). You see, Paris Hilton always wears Heatherette, and if there's one person in life that Norelle would like to be/emulate/have night-vision fun with, it's Paris Hilton. Some might say that idolizing Paris Hilton is sad, pathetic, lame, a tragic moment for American culture, but Norelle doesn't care because she is a strong, independent woman. And she's also an idiot.

Anyway, the prospective models soon found out that their night on the town was actually just another event in which they'd be judged. They were to sashay down the catwalk as part of the Heatherette fall fashion show. It only like the hottest ticket in town! Well, it's the hottest ticket on the really lame ticket circuit at least. Without a second to spare, the Heatherette team put the women to work as they tried their hardest to make these beautiful women look like the latest reincarnation of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. There was mild drama as Amanda wasn't allowed to see the runway. It was a mild problem since apparently she's BLIND. Well I'm sure she'll be able to manage, right? Uh, think again. The cameras cut to the runway which was conveniently zig-zagged with a raised, circular cul-de-sac type area at the end. Could this BE any trickier of a runway? Just about the only thing more elaborate was Christina Applegate's backyard fashion show in "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead."

As I salivated at the promise of slapstick, the girls all headed out to the cheering fans. Most of them managed to decently prance around. Kristi trucked down the runway like a principal in search of a delinquent student. Amanda, for all the blind talk, managed to navigate down the catwalk - and shake her bootay too. Truthfully, the only interesting part about this was when Norelco Razor - I mean Norelle - took this opportunity to embarrass herself during her dream moment of modeling for Heatherette. Dressed like the unholy lovechild of Cruella Deville and a wayward cotton ball, Norelle swaggered down the stage and promptly fell down in an oh-so-fantastic spill that will hopefully haunt her forever. I guess it was her attempt to mimic Paris Hilton falling off a horse on The Simple Life.

After the apartment, the action shifted onto more important things - like the women bickering. Amanda claimed that her laundry and $100 were missing and immediately blamed the vertically challenged Eva. Amanda was convinced, CONVINCED that Eva had stolen her belongings, so she and her ally Nicole decided to set up a trap. They'd leave some crystals and ten dollars out for Eva to steal. This was all done to Amanda stirring rendition of her favorite song "Someone's a bitch. A bitch, bitch, bitch." Or something like that. Nicole tried to act all innocent in the scheme by saying "I'm not up for setting the trap, but I said 'it's just a good idea.'" Yeah, just because she encouraged the idea didn't mean she actually liked the idea. Nicole then went back to reading about the Nazis rise to power.

As for Eva, she spent a good amount of this episode talking about how she always acts like the tallest woman in the group, even though she constantly brings everything back to how short she is. Nevertheless, Jay Alexander said she sashayed the best at the Heatherette show and granted her a day on a yacht with two people of her choosing. In a gracious gesture of gratitude, Eva stood up and shook her butt, dutifully noting how she had won over all the "tall bitches". If that doesn't say class, I don't know what does.

In the aftermath of this event, Amanda discovered that her crystals were missing. Stolen! This tipped off one of the more retarded reality spats in recent memory (or at least since that episode of Real World San Diego when they went to Greece). First Amanda tried to walk by Eva, but when Eva's elbow accidentally brushed Amanda's boob, Eva commented "You just bumped me." To which I responded "Eva, you just brought your suck into pop culture." Well, Amanda wouldn't apologize for the bump and then Eva accused her of being fake because her personality is all sweet and nice but in reality she's just a bump-and-walk person. For no good reason at all, Jennipher jumped into the fray by calling Eva a bitch in the next room and this for some reason prompted Anne to weigh in. Honestly, I had no idea what they were arguing about. All I knew was that there were four attractive, inarticulate, dumb, and loud women yelling in a very narrow hallway. Somehow it turned into the Jennipher/Anne showdown with Jennipher ultimately bumping Anne out of the way. Apparently the bump is the model equivalent of a guy flicking his finger and grabbing his balls. Ultimately, Eva declared the fight to be "Extra" because it was like "Extra! Extra! Read all about it!" I would read all about it, but I don't subscribe to Stupid Shrews Weekly.

Amanda meanwhile was crying about her crystals. She couldn't believe Eva took the crystals... that she left out for her to take! Actually, that wasn't really the case. After Eva came back from her Yacht trip, Amanda admitted that she had just misplaced the crystals. Dumbass. Well, this led to a big group apology whose insincerity was sealed when all the girls said "Yay!" in unison.

Anyway, the girls finally made their way to Tyra Banks and her panel of fashion experts (but not before shooting some topless photos for Lee Jeans in another utterly useless segment). For the first time, I finally got to see this Janice Dickinson woman that everyone always talks about. Am I to believe this woman was ever a supermodel? I suppose she might appeal to that coveted Banged In The Face By A Hot Frying Pan demographic, but other than that, I don't get it. Nevertheless, the models were all put in hideous pink tubetops and tiny shoes and told to strut.
Kelle was the first woman to receive negative reviews, mostly due to an unflattering shot from the Lee Jeans ad. Janice mocked Kelle for her weird mouth. Clearly a supermodel needs to have enough collagen in her lips to make her mouth look like two blimps flying in tandem.

Others faced equally harsh judgment. When Norelle stumbled a bit, she explained that she had never worn heels before. "I walked in heels when I was seven," stated Janice, who then explained that her first boob job was at age eight, followed by her first cocaine habit at ten. When Kristi sashayed for the panel, Janice commented: "I get a sense of Carol Burnett with the jaw." It's funny, when I look at Janice, I get a sense of a horse's rectum with the face.

Making things interesting - or at least slutty and stupid - was Jennipher who decided to flash the judges her buttocks on which she had written "ANTM". Oh, classy! I love when Claudia Schiffer does that. Wait, I'm thinking of the trashy drunk chick on "GIrls Gone Wild 17." Yeah, the Sharpee on the butt thing isn't so popular in Paris and Milan.

Anyway, Tyra Banks and her forehead MCed the whole elimination ceremony and while she made Jennipher feel like shit for her little stunt, in the end, Kirsti was sent packing. And in case we didn't get it, we saw her fade out of the cast picture at the end, sort of like Marty McFly's family in "Back To The Future."

I can't say that this was the most compelling reality show I've seen, but if I'm feeling bored, I might check it out time to time. Keep an eye on TVgasm for my occasional ramblings about this vacuous show.

Posted by at 12:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (16)

Although I thought that I was the last person on earth to find out that Ami Cusack had appeared in Playboy several years ago before she and her assets became famous on Survivor: Vanuatu, apparently I was wrong. Several readers asked that we here at TVgasm post pictures on the web or e-mail them the files. While we can't do either of those, we can point you in the right direction to a place that has all of her assuredly not safe for work pictorial for everybody to view. Ami is in a relationship, but if you are a guy or a girl who wonders what they have missed, head over to RealityTVPools.com[NSFW and will take some time if you are on a modem]. It might be a little hard to tell with the extra makeup, died hair, not to mention all of the airbrushing going on, but it is the same woman.

I don't have the slightest idea what the Vegas odds are for the rest of the current participants to take it all off, but our humble predictions come up after the jump.

	Ami Cusack - 20 to 1. She has already done it once, but that doesn't mean a second go around is out of the question, especially since she'll earn a lot more than her previous stint.
	Dolly Neely - 100 to 1. Taking a cue from the fitness twins, Dolly would stand a good, ummm, shot to land on the cover of Guns & Ammo.
	Eliza Orlins -20 to 1. What better way to get rid of those student loans?
	Julie Berry - 10 to 1. If for no other reason than to get out of Maine for a little while, Julie will take it off. It guarantees at least a year in Los Angeles without having to do any real work.
	Leann Slaby - 100 to 1. Although she has worked as a model before, she does have a big scar and her breasts aren't nearly pendulous enough to warrant Playboy. Nothing she has shown me on the show would make me think she wants the attention anyway.
	Lisa Keiffer - 50 to 1. Lisa does have the jiggle factor going for her, but she doesn't have the sex appeal the last reality mother turn centerfold (Tonya from Big Brother) had.
	Mia Galeotalanza - 20 to 1. If Julie or Eliza do a pictorial and Mia was asked to join, it might be a good fit like Jenna and Heidi from Survivor: Amazon. She may be busy doing some "special features" for the Lord of the Rings trilogy DVD boxed set.
	Scout Cloud Lee - No line. Is any further explanation necessary?
	Twila Tanner - 1,000,000 to 1. Doesn't really have the figure for the magazine, but hey, anything can happen.

Posted by at 12:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Well, we knew it would happen eventually. On tonight's episode of The Apprentice, the hemmoraging on the women's side finally ceased. Thanks to challenge that seemed to be all but catered towards women (and gay men), the Apex Corporation finally let out a squeal of relief when they learned that they had not in fact sucked. Amazingly enough, it was the careful aegis of Maria that led women to victory. Who would have thunk it? The robot came through clutch, or as clutch as can be in the easiest mission ever for women.

The show started off with the oh-so-classic imagery of traffic lights changing and steam billowing from manholes. You'd think by now Mark Burnett would move onto other sights such as peanut vendors or homeless people. But the most variety we get is usually just a shot of pigeons.

Back in the loft - which has nothing to do with traffic lights, steam, or pigeons - Stacy and Maria returned triumpantly from the boardroom. Upon hearing Pamela's fate, Raj struck up a chorus of "Ding dong the ice queen is dead," which would have been funnier had Stacy not gone for the same joke a week ago with Jennifer C. Seriously, these people need better post-boardroom material.

The teams soon split into their groups, with the men electing John as project manager. As the guys talked about management strategies, the girls stood from afar and rolled their eyes. There go those stupid men, talking clearly with each other, not being passive aggressive, laying out strategies. Who do they think they are? The women, meanwhile, took the time not to elect their project manager, but their scapegoat of the week. Filling this week's void? No, not Stacy, but Elizabeth! Yay! I think Stacy dodged the bullet with her motivational comment, "We've been hardcore, but now we have to be harder core." Similarly, they've been embarrassing to women, but now they have to be more embarrassinger to women.

The next morning, Trump's secretary placed her obligatory 7 AM call to alert the crew of the next mission. This episode's lucky bedhead? Kevin, who seemed to be shaking off a few late night beers as he stumbled over to the phone. The groggy guy seemed to be completely unaware that his PJ's were about a centimeter away from falling off on TV. Nevertheless, the teams met up with The Donald at Trump Modelling Agency (aka Trump wife factory) where they learned this week's task: design a fashion line, display it at a fashion show, and earn the most money. Not bad. Of course, the guys's first impulse was to fantasize about greasing up the models, a notion that Frau Maria quickly sneered down. "Shut up!" she scoffed, secretly thinking "but if we do have to grease down the models, we can use my hair. Advantage: Ladies!"

Speaking of Maria, we discovered that she was made project manager of Apex because she has, among other things, a minor in Home Economics. Granted, most CEOs have minors in History or English or Economics (the business kind, not the home kind), but hey, I'm sure every boardroom could use a few homemade brownies and an overhead projector cozy.

Anyway, the groups all went off to interview designers. The women pounced on a guy named Darren who seemed to be the second coming of Isaac Mizrahi. The guys, however, were drawn to Ilsa, who appeared to be the forgotten lovechild of Lindsay Crouse and Martinia Navratilova.

With the mission underway, it was time for the women to tend to their highest priority: ostracize Elizabeth. Maria, who clearly holds the passive aggressive chops of the group, worked quickly and effectively by literally sending Elizabeth away from everyone else. If it weren't so obvious that the women would school the guys on this, I'd say we have a new Stacie J. on our hands. You just know the women were lining up with their official psychological assesments of Elizabeth.

Getting Elizabeth out of the way meant the girls could focus on the fashion line, which for Ivana meant all pantsuits, all the time. Unfortunately, pantsuits are sooo Hilary Rodham Clinton 2001. No, for Team Apex, the signature look was the capelet. The capelet? I'm not even sure what that is. Oh, but these women know what they're talking about. I'm sure they won't surprise us with any amazingly dumb looking accessory later this episode...

Well, the women managed to design their whole line in forty five minutes, which left Maria simply delighted, as evidenced by her joyful chomping of a hot dog. Was I the only one who thought her handling of the weiner to be a bit, uh, suggestive? Anyway, faring less successfully were the men who seemed to be completely devoid of any inspiring thoughts. One of them even suggested a backpack. This apparently is the go-to creative idea (week one featured John throwing the idea of a backpack toy for Mattel). Poor Ilsa looked mortified knowing that her big break on national TV and at the Avon fashion show would be squandered with the guys' terrible taste. Even more embarrassing for her was that Kelly managed to whip off a great little design while Ilsa was in das bathroom. Is there anything Kelly can't do? Of course, this did not come without the usual Chris jibing, as he suspected Kelly might be wearing "pink underwears." We'll have to check that on the Internets.

Elizabeth and Jen, meanwhile, hit the streets and met with the buyers, all to the tune of can-do music. The guys, on the other hand, had the dreaded "wah wah wah" music as Kevin and Wes tried to invoke pity from merchants. Exactly how many straight male designers are there, asked one. Yeah, the men are screwed.

Around this time, we did learn that if there's anything that can make Carolyn double over with laughter, it's fabric. More specifically, watching people like Raj navigate through tweed and satin and silk with nary a clue as to what the hell they're doing. The "ice queen" had tears in her eyes as she watched the men completely flail about outside of their element. Faring much better, of course, were the women who attacked that fabric store as if it were Stacie J. Maria, to her credit, put her Home Ec. degree to good use as she waded through aisles of material. I almost didn't even notice her all tan outfit which had me wondering two things: a) how many outfits did she bring on this show? and b) when did she start working for UPS?

Eventually, everyone headed back to their studios at the Parsons School of Design. The women did the logical thing, for once, and got to work. The men took the time to pick out models and have them come by and oggle for a few hours. Raj, as usual, made a jackass out of himself while Andy simply giggled in the corner. "I wonder if they'd like to play Crustacean Nation," he thought.

It was no surprise, therefore, when the girls walked in the next morning and found their fashion line nearly completed while Ilsa and company were still struggling to finish their second piece. With crunch time setting in, Raj did the smart thing and spent what seemed like hours pestering Ilsa about minutae while she tried to ready the clothes. Finally Kelly reprimanded his bowtied teammate, saying "This is not a platform for you to expand your personality." Couldn't have said it better myself. Raj nodded and continued to expand his personality.

The women, meanwhile, took their free time to play dressup with the clothes and hug Darren. I can't really remember what else happened during this segment because I was blinded by the light's reflection on Maria's tinfoil jacket. All I do know is that all the women left for the fashion show while Elizabeth and Stacy - aka the not cool ones - stayed behind to prepare fabric samples. "For some reason, I'm not 'in' with the group," said Elizabeth. Yeah, for some reason she annoys everyone with her constant conceptual talking and occasional emotional breakdowns.

Anyway, the fashion show finally arrived and Maria's team squared off with Kelly's team. Oh, I mean John's team. Apparently John's style of team management meant staring at models. Trump arrived at the fashion show to the tune of that bombastic fanfare which had been missing the past few weeks. Also returning was Isaac Mizrahi for his second celebrity cameo in two seasons. Will Rocco DiSpirito be next?

The Team Apex fashion line debuted first. For the most part it was inoffensive, until I discovered what exactly a capelet is. Let me just say it now. Capelets are borderline the most ridiculous fashion accessory I've ever seen. They put to shame those stupid ponchos that have popped up recently. I am making this plea now. Women, do not derive your fashion from The Apprentice!

The Capelet Crusaders

Amazingly, the capelet showed up in Ilsa's line also. Is this really the trend? Ilsa's designs weren't totally awful, except for like almost all of them. To her credit, her work was more edgy and couture, but the emphasis on tweedy and drab colors was a real downer, especially for Ivana who envisions herself as a fashion impresario (who just happens to wear the most overexposed Urban Outfitters shirt of all time). Oh, and by the way, was that Lil Kim in the audience? Could this be more random?

Well, turns out it was Lil Kim as we found out at the lame reward. The women, who unsurprisingly beat the men by a 3-1 margin, won admission into a Hugo Boss party that Trump promised would be celebrity filled. Uh, and by celebrity filled, he meant Lil Kim. Cirque Du Soliel also showed up (or contorted up, if you will), but this reward was no caviar feast, something that I'm sure set Maria all a-twitter.

Back at the homestead, John blabbed about how he couldn't possibly see how he would be going home. I mean, he did a great job of leading right? Uh, not so much. Things were not so great for John in the relatively tame boardroom. Raj managed to irk George who snapped mildly at him. I suppose that was the moment that justified NBC airing "Don't annoy George!" all week, but I'll tell you one thing. An annoyed George is no angry Carolyn. Boo to the NBC promos for misleading us.

Speaking of misdirection, after a whole episode of anti-Raj moments, he didn't even get pulled into the final three. What's the deal with that? Maybe Burnett's trying to Omarosa him, but it's not quite working. Instead, the final three were John, Kevin, and Andy. John accused Andy of never taking a leadership role, to which I was shocked that Andy didn't rebut with "Um, do you even remember Crustacean Nation?"

Sadly for John, he was like a deer caught in the headlights when it came to Donald, George and Carolyn. They chided him on not bringing Wes into the boardroom and taking fire at Andy. Question: why is it that when the girls gang up on someone, it's allowed? Well, bullying or no bullying, John was pretty damn bad as a leader and his eventual ouster was no surprise. The only annoying thing about it was that Trump's entire firing speech seemed to have been dubbed over in post. Could they at least try to make it match the boardroom voice?

In the end, likable John went down to the street while Kevin and Andy returned to the suite. Meanwhile, we'll have Maria to kick around for at least two more weeks now that she's exempt from getting fired. I can only hope she'll be sporting that classic robotic face, the crude oil drenched hair, and of course, a nifty capelet.

Posted by at 12:54 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Quick question. When is a Survivor twist not a twist at all? When you can see it a mile away. While we still have an interesting season on our hands, Survivor Vanuatu is shaping up to be as forgettable as they come. Mark Burnett has us constantly looking for a twist, but the episodes play like he doesn't have any hand to play. The dual elimination was OK, but it caused much more of a small ripple through the game rather than a tidal wave of excitement they needed to make things interesting. Imagine what we would have done without Da from last week. Oh yes, I forgot. We still have all of those boobs filling the screen.

In The Usual Suspects Kevin Spacey says "the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist". Mark Burnett would be pulling off a trick of equal magnitude if he was able to find any footage of something worth watching among the Lopevi tribe. I had previously decided that the strategy of voting off the most dangerous (read: youngest) members might seem like it sucks, but it was a legitimate strategy. If it was the only thing keeping all of the old and fat guys on the island, why would anybody expect them to do anything different? For the game, it is a great strategy, for the viewer it absolutely sucks. Basically five of the guys haven't had an incentive to do much at all for most of the time on Vanuatu. What's worse, they have no reason to scheme against each other. Even when personalities clashed, like Lea and Rory, nothing really came about. Instead, we get a lot of some of the most stupid conversations on the planet. The latest intriguing bit of controversy centered around the campfire. Chad said Travis always got the best sleeping spot around the campfire - I shit you not. Travis told him to "Build a bridge and get over it". Ah, the predictable colloquialisms from Travis. What would we do without them? They went back and forth for awhile until another native of Vanuatu showed up on the beach. With some minimal gesturing, Lopevi figured out they needed to pick a chief, and they picked Lea.

At the Yasur tribe, the same person paddled in, and the women picked Scout as the chief. If I had been gambling on Survivor, I would have lost so much money, because I have been waiting for the women to get rid of Scout for some time now. For some reason, she has this mafia don sort of hold over her tribe, and they always look to her before they do anything, unless it is a gospel song, then they wait for Lisa to take the lead. The women have been marginally more enjoyable, but still not that much scheming. If it wasn't for that visit from Da, I would have no insight whatsoever on most of their personalities. Before they were able to talk about it too much, the ground shook and everybody was able to experience a live earthquake, which scared some people and was a delight to others. For good effect, CBS made sure to include plenty of file footage of volcano explosions. I thought the scariest thing was the huge bats that were flying around after the trees started shaking.

It turns out that the purpose of electing chiefs was to facilitate a new set of tribes. After the debacle on Survivor: All Stars, it is probably a safe bet that we won't see too many "pull the buff out of a hat" type of things to choose teams. One of the chiefs was going to separate the women and the men into two sides, and the other was going to pick which team they would join. Lea won the rock/paper/scissors face-off, and chose to pick the final teams. Scout divided the teams up with Chad, Twila, Jules, John K, and Chris on one team, and Leann, Eliza, Rory, Travis, and Ami on the other. Lea took one look at Rory and Chris and picked the other team, leaving Scout with them instead. Lisa was an extra person, so she was allowed to decided which team she would join. Perhaps seeing the gender advantage of Lea's team, the new Lopevi, she chose to go along with the new Yasur, and the 5-2 female majority in that tribe.

The newly configured tribes were thrown into a reward challenge. It had one member from each tribe diving under water to retrieve some discs attached to a rope that continued went thirty feet deep. It's much more difficult than it sounds, as your ears will really begin to hurt at some deeper levels if you aren't used to being that deep. Yasur jumped out to an early lead as Twila was unable to get her first disc and Chris dropped his first disc. Eventually, behind the strong swimming of John K, Lopevi was able to make up the ground, and eventually won the challenge outright when Ami was unable to come up with a disc at 24 feet. It wasn't really her fault as there were fewer people able to dive deep on the Yasur tribe.

For their skill, Lopevi won all of the beer and Pringles they could eat, all served under a waterfall. I am not sure what the purpose of the waterfall was, since the Pringles and beer were plenty to get people to act social. When Twila told us a couple of weeks ago that she got along better with men than women, she wasn't lying. She got a few beers in her and it was plenty to make her forget she was at a numbers disadvantage. Her personality change was a complete 180, and she really seemed to be enjoying herself. Yasur didn't win anything, but after Da's visit last week, it's not like they were eating that badly. Lisa was excited to have some men-folk around, and started showing them all about what food to get, showing Rory and Travis about the cassava roots and the sugar cane. Ami started to get upset at Lisa for letting the men in on all of the knowledge. It seemed like she was upset that her little Lilith Fair was over and saw the bonds the women made over the last few weeks was eroding right before her eyes. She said that she saw her tribe as "five women strong" and that was how she was going to play.

Lopevi and Yasur came together once again for the immunity challenge, and right away Travis confirmed many of Ami's fears by communicating with Chris, clearly showing a conflict of interest with his old configuration and his new tribe. This challenge involved retrieving the missing parts of an outrigger canoe from inside the jungle, bringing the parts to the beach, assembling the canoes, and paddling to a tribal figure a few hundred yards from the beach, and getting back to the beach first(hitting your tribal pylon with your boat on the way back). This task involved a lot of lifting, and it was clear that the Yasur tribe was at a slight disadvantage. Lopevi picked up a little bit of a lead thanks to Rory taking a lot of time untying his outrigger. They got a big head start off the beach, but lost a lot of it when they had trouble steering back to their pylon. The outrigger does cause a little bit of steering trouble, but it was as if Chad and John K (the chosen oarsmen for Lopevi) had never set foot in a canoe in their lives. The two guys did get back first and secure the win for Lopevi, forcing Yasur to a tribal council.

To say that Ami was a little upset with Travis's little display of treason at the immunity challenge is really being a little understated. Travis admitted in one of those little side interviews that he had tried to say "merge" to Chris, to get a feel if the guys were paying for their new tribe or their old tribe. It didn't take long for Ami to sniff out trouble and she and Scout decided that Travis had to go. Travis asked Ami for a heads up if "y'all is going to vote me off". Despite being the one lobbying for Travis to get the boot, Ami said he would have to ask Scout for the guarantee, and that she doesn't do the "ya'll thing". As for the rest of the women, they agreed that they were happy to have the guys around, and even mentioned that it might be better to keep them both, especially if the upcoming challenges are physical. Eliza, the alliance shifter extraordinaire, was ready to send another won of her girls alliance up the river

At tribal council, Ami did nothing to show how much she disliked Travis and called him out on his words with Chris, showing she didn't know what side he was playing for. Travis admitted it was a risk that he took, and Rory was busy kowtowing to the women. Travis gets voted out without too much stuff happening afterwards. These post-vote moments are always the diciest, no? Well, actually they aren't. The tribes were switched, but a member Lopevi was still voted out, making him the fourth member of the original guys tribe to get sent to the curb.

With the most interesting guy now part of the Yasur and probably the most interesting Yasur now part of the Lopevi, hopefully things will pick up, or we are looking at a very quick merge. With this very average Survivor and what looks to be a very enjoyable the OC set to debut Thursdays at the same time slot in a couple of weeks, I wouldn't be surprised if the OC posts some solid numbers against the Burnett juggernaut.

Posted by at 12:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

There was a time on Smallville when Clark Kent was content to live life on the sidelines. He was strung up like a scarecrow in a freshman hazing not a week after he arrived to Smallville High. Instead of joining the football or basketball team, he decided that his time would be best spent writing for the school newspaper. But you could always see there was a part of Clark that wanted to rebel from his geeky lifestyle and save the world side job. Every now and then (usually about once a year, just in time for sweeps) he would rebel against his normal lifestyle for something some would consider a little more selfish. Now a senior, it seems like Clark may have found a happy medium. His parents have let him play football, he has promised not to use his powers, and popularity is sure to follow.

Although we all know that Clark has the greatest athletic prowess on the team, he still must earn his spot on the field. Since he is a backup quarterback with no experience going up against popular senior who has been on the team for four years, he has his work cut out for him. Barring some catastrophe, it looks like there isn't going to be much play for Clark at all this year. Luckily for Clark, there is a group of people out there that are sick of seeing their boys beat their heads in on the field, and spend all of their time with their teammates off of the field. Yes, I am talking about the cheerleaders. Not content with cheering all day and having nothing to show for it besides some messy hair and a messy back seat, the cheerleaders have decided to do something to make sure their guys would always be as devoted as possible.

The first test of this new method is Danny, the quarterback of Smallville High, and the only person ahead of Clark on the depth chart. After Danny tells his girlfriend Mandy that he will be spending Saturday Night with the guys instead of her, she decides to do a little manipulation with the laws of attraction and slips him a drink of what looks to be any benign sports drink, but is instead some sort of kryptonite concoction that instantly transforms you into but a mere slave for the affections of your significant other. For Danny, it means that not only is he going to ignore the guys on Saturday night, but he is going to blow off football practice entirely, just so he can go shopping with Mandy. Jason, who the producers would like to have us believe is only an assistant coach yet remains the only coach we ever see, tells Danny he can't leave practice or he won't play the game that week. Danny is obviously too horny to heed his words, so Clark becomes the quarterback.

No harm, no foul, right? Well, not exactly. The problem with this new green potion (which now fills the water coolers of the football team and sports bottles everywhere else) is that sometimes the devotion it illicits goes a little too far. I know what many of you are saying out there. Didn't they do this a year or two back? Yes, they did have an episode where people lost their inhibitions after inhaling a krypton-laced flower. The idea isn't entirely new, but last time we got to see Lana dripping wet in some lingerie, so we don't complain about these things. In this edition, Danny feels that Coach Teague is trying to get in between he and his girl and comes after him with a shotgun. Clark is there to save Jason just before some buck shot is about to take him down. Clark uses his heat vision on the gun to stop Danny from getting off any more shots.

As you can imagine, there is quite a bit of commotion about the whole thing the next day. This is the type of story that the people at the Torch usually eat up, but it looks like Chloe is a little short staffed. Lois is constantly trying to get out of high school, and Clark informs her that he will be spending more time with the football team. Chloe always had a thing for Clark and never really lost it, even after all of the issues with Lana. Through all of it, she was at least able to know he was always going to be a good friend and they spent a lot of time together at the Torch fighting crime and whatnot. Losing Clark to the football team after seeing him at least semi-hot for Lois was just another kick in the stomach.

As always, Clark is oblivious to all of the trouble he is causing the women in his life, and goes to football practice, where he finds that somebody has bought the team new jerseys. It turns out that Lex, in his never ending quest to make Clark his heterosexual lifemate, purchased new uniforms, shoes and helmets for the whole team. Clark sees it as the thinly veiled attempt at reconciliation that it is and lets Lex know it. But Clark has more important things to take care of, like football practice, and trying to convince his teammates that he is the right guy to lead him them into victory. While things are happening at practice, both Chloe and Jason take a little taste of the cheerleader's special recipe. It prompts both of them to get far more aggressive with the people they have been trying to win over.

In Chloe's case, she tells Lois she is quitting the Torch in order to get her priorities straight. If she is always there for Clark, he will eventually see that she is the right person for him. To show how much she wants to be there for Clark, she surprises him at his loft wearing nothing but his number "8" jersey (he practiced in number 7, but wears 8 in the games. I guess the head writer likes Steve Young more than John Elway). I don't see how this could be anything other than fabulous for all parties involved, but Clark started getting a little squeamish as Chloe proceeded to rub him down, straddle him, and rub him down a little more. She may be no Lana, but it looks like she has all the necessary parts in working order. Clark doesn't move things along, but with no cure for the love potion, it looks like Chloe isn't going to stop.

In Jason's case, he takes bigger and bigger risks to get to spend time with Lana, even announcing over the intercom that she is to see him in his office. At another football practice, he sees Clark talking with Lana, knows a little bit of their history, and tells his defense not to let up on Clark. Normally our superhero in training would not give a damn about an onslaught of defensive players, but on this day, Clark took a little of the kryptonite potion, leaving him weak and feeling every single just like anybody else would. To make matters worse, Chloe comes onto the field in a cheerleading outfit, ready to motivate her man. Lois sees her and thinks it's really strange, but Chloe is not to be stopped, and continues to cheer, even though Clark is having his ass handed to him.

Simply letting his teammate's beat Clark's ass is not enough for Jason, so he enters Clark's loft later that night to do a little facial modification courtesy of his fist. He is putting on the beatdown of his life when Lex shows up and stops him. What is Lex doing there, you ask? He is trying to make amends to Clark by handing over what he says are all of the files he has on Clark. This exchange was interesting because Lex thinks Clark is invulnerable, but Jason left him a bloody mess. It would seem an uncanny piece of evidence that Clark should throw away all of his files. The problem is that the krypton seems to wear off and Clark heals in seconds, and when Lex takes a second look at him, he is skeptical once more.

Eventually, Clark catches up with Lois, who has learned that the cheerleaders made the potion as part of a science experiment, and they decide to go to the cheerleader run pool party in order to steal the formula back. This sounds benign, but it turns into a hilarious scene as Clark has to seduce Mandy in order to distract her enough for Lois to steal the formula from her Prada bag. Clark may be the starting quarterback but admits to Mandy that he is nervous because he has "never done what I think we are about to do". For foreplay, Clark gives her such lines as "I will cook you dinner", but eventually throws her up onto a desk and Lois gets the bag. As she is inspecting the bag in another room, Chloe comes at her with an axe. Since she was able to beat away commandos, nobody is worried as she easily dispatches Chloe, who burns her hand on a boiler as she is falling down. It turns out the heat is the antidote for the potion, which is great because they need as they rescue Clark from, uhh, lipstick smudges, and the three goons Mandy summons when she sees it is all a trap. Clark stealthily uses his heat vision to burst a steam pipe, which sedates the football players.

Another mystery solved, there is nothing left but the game. And with Smallville down by three with only seconds left to play, Clark huddles his teammates, throws the hail mary, and wins the game. Now, the show made it seem like the ball had to be in the endzone before the clock ran out, but in football, you only need to snap the ball before time runs out, and the whole play is legal. I hope the Smallville writers do a little more boning up on the sport if we are going to have more football sequences, because I don't want to have to correct them every week. Anyway, his teammates respect him, all the girls adore him, but his dad is a little disappointed, knowing Clark didn't hold back with his powers in order to make the final throw. To top it all off, Chloe admits that she still has feelings for him and always will. He doesn't reciprocate, but is honest and tells her he can't say the same, but they will always be friends and leaves her with a kiss on the cheek. I guess friends with benefits hasn't entered his vernacular just yet. In a little bit of a surprise move, we learn that Lois finally heard from the dean of her university, and she was finally accepted. Lex Luthor pulled some strings on her behalf and so she is leaving high school. Clark was the one who asked Lex to pull the strings, but is a little sad to see her go, even though she says she will be back. Little does he know that they will be jocking on each other for another 20 -30 years or so.

Posted by at 3:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Time to In a move that surprised just about everybody, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced today that Chris Rock will host the Academy Awards in 2005, marking only the fourth time since 1988 that somebody not named Billy Crystal or Whoopi Goldberg will host the show. It also marks the first time since David Letterman hosted in 1994 that the producers have picked somebody who people under 25 might think is funny. That experiment didn't work so well, but we can only hope that Chris Rock does a better job than Letterman, or we may have to wait another twenty years before we see somebody as edgy as Chris Rock host again. And speaking of Chris Rock, does he even have that much of an edge anymore? I mean, you can't rail against the establishment anymore when you have your own HBO show, starred in a movie with Anthony Hopkins, and host an awards show for one of the most stodgy organizations known to earth. Still, I will watch, and you can trust that TVgasm will be live-blogging this event, just in case you haven't been keeping up to date with all of your 'Tussin jokes.

Posted by at 12:27 PM | Permalink

Ever wondered what it would be like if Bunim/Murray Productions decided to explore the war in Iraq? If you're like me, the answer is no. But much to my consternation, BMP is actively recruiting soldiers for their next installation of Real World, possibly Road Rules too. Now I don't mind the idea of military personel on reality shows, but I'm already dreading the heavy handed way Bunim/Murray is going to tell this soldier's story. Furthermore, you know they're going to stuff the house with a bunch of politically uninformed blockheads who are going to engage in stupid arguments about the war. Honestly, do we really want to see the political side of the team that brought us The Real Cancun? Can't we just stick to the drunken hookups and racial slurs?

Of course, expect the show to focus ad nauseum on some lame part of the soldier's life like his girlfriend and then slip the interesting stuff into a footnote. Sort of like when Sarah said she was raped. Or like when Sarah said she had an eating disorder. Or like when Alton from Las Vegas mentioned his love for violin. Or when Alton from Las Vegas mentioned his little brother was abducted and killed!

In other Real World news, rumors about the next season's location hit a fever pitch this week when Atlanta radio station Q100 announced that RW 16 would be in Hotlanta. For now, we'll wait on the official press release.

Posted by at 5:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

If there's one thing I've grown to hate on The Real World, it's the perpetual drama of these kids dealing with life away from their boyfriends or girlfriends. I don't tune in to watch these people complain on the phone. I tune in to watch them get drunk, fight about peanut butter, and then say something either racist or homophobic. Well, too bad for me because tonight's episode was all about fruitless flirtation and angry hometown honeys. Of course, we knew we were heading into dangerous territory right off the bat when the topic of flirting was the first item on the Real World agenda. Sarah and I flirt all the time, said MJ to the camera. This was of course followed by Sarah commenting, "I showed you my boobs today." I feel like that somehow surpasses the realm of flirtation. It was more like slut-ation. I'm sorry. The writers of Sex and the City must have possessed me momentarily. I'll try to keep my dumb puns to myself.

Nevertheless, the point still stands that Sarah is a desperate girl seeking some sort of sexual fulfillment (also known as self-esteem for her) in order to make it through another day. Tonight's episode was the debut of "Ivana", Sarah's sexual alter ego. The main difference between Sarah and Ivana? Well... Ivana wears a furry hat? Actually, the truth is that Ivana is pathetically slutty but Sarah, on the other hand, is pathetically slutty. Oh wait. Did I mention the furry hat?

It's therefore no wonder why MJ was completely embarrassed to be hooking up with this reality trollop. I mean, if you're banging the resident 'ho, it's not something you often advertise. Well, lucky for MJ, his secret is safe. It's not like there are any camera crews or night vision lenses or microphones all over the place, waiting to transform his sexual transgressions into ratings gold. Of course, those are all massive turn ons for Sarah probably. Now, I know that I come down on her for being, uh, loose, but hey, at least Sarah knows she has issues when it comes to sex. She said so herself during an interview. But here's the thing. Why do Real World stars think that recognizing their flaws and shortcomings equates to solving them? How many times have we seen one of these people say something like "I'm realizing that I'm very rude to people" and then go off and be rude? Realizing something doesn't matter if you're still doing it.

Anyway, the show took a brief detour into Sarah's world where she finally obliged us with this season's rape confession. Granted, it was only revealed during the interview, which means we still have that special episode to look forward to when people are coming down on Sarah about something like dirty dishes and she responds with "Well, I was raped!" I know I might be sounding callous about a very serious thing, but that's mostly because I saw Robin from San Diego and Ellen from Road Rules both pull that trick.

With our Sarah tolerance threshold about to burst, the action shifted to the other set of lovebirds, Shavonda and Landon. With her attraction to her roommate steadily building, Shavonda jumped on the phone and called her boyfriend, Shaun to float the idea of breaking up. You see, Shavonda feels like her time on the Real World should be unencumbered by trivial obligations like, you know, loyalty to her boyfriend. I mean, what a downer! What does he think they're in? A relationship? "What if I'm having a crush on someone," she asked. Yes, theoretically, what if she were having a crush - not that she has one. Well, Shaun was understandably not too pleased, saying that now he couldn't trust her. "Fine, don't trust me," Shavonda responded. Uh, did I miss something? Did Shavonda just make it sound like she was the victim here? Wasn't the whole purpose of this call to say "Hey, I'm going to cheat, you can't trust me, so let's just break up so I don't feel guilty about it"? And now she was getting mad because Shawn said he couldn't trust her? I will never understand Real World logic.

Karamo didn't understand it either, noting that he's a real traditionalist when it comes to dating. Um, I'll leave that one alone. Anyway, the newly single Shavonda headed out to a bar with the roomies where she proceeded to fellate a banana for free drinks. It was a difficult experience for her, she commented, because she doesn't like a lot of attention. Note to Shavonda: if you don't like attention, don't give a banana blowjob on a bartop in the middle of a crowded nightclub. Oh, and don't appear on a reality show either.

Back at the homestead, MJ sauntered around drunk from Shavonda's free booze. He called former hometown honey, Ashley, and babbled annoyingly. The camera lingered on MJ entirely too long, and in my effort to look away from his big nipple, I had to focus on his stupid hair. Honestly, it was terrible. Anyway, with MJ drunk and craving a booty call after the Ashley conversation, he swooped in on the next best thing. Okay, not the next best thing. But about the seventh best thing: Sarah. The two got it on in classic Cara-from-Chicago-Infra-red, but amazingly they didn't have sex. After all, Sarah reasoned, if they did, we'd know about it. I actually believe her. Sarah would probably have sent out a press release and a few T-shirts if any copulation had gone down.

Meanwhile, at the other suckfest of the episode, Shavonda continued to fight with Shaun on the phone. He seemed more tolerant during this phone call, noting that she can kiss other guys, but not Landon. Shavonda's response? Well, I've opened up to Landon so I'll probably kiss him. Does Shavonda kiss every guy she opens up to? Think of how many awkward therapy sessions that must have led to.

Shaun, for his part, was pretty awesome at trapping Shavonda in her own logic / transparent psychology. "The first person who gave you attention was Landon. That's why you have a crush on him," he theorized. Cricket cricket. Shavonda should have said that she wasn't as shallow as that, but you see, she sort of is. "He's putting limits on me while I'm single!" she complained in an interview, and then proceeded to put limits on Shawn by saying he couldn't cuddle with his ex-girlfriend. You see, it's Shavonda's world. We're just living in it. And by living, I mean contemplating suicide.

Meanwhile, tensions in Sarah's crotch escalated. In a typical game of telephone, MJ told Melanie that he didn't like sharing a bed with Sarah. Mel, whose forté seems to be clever passive aggression, relayed MJ's message to Sarah, probably adding "You can thank me later." Well, Sarah was pretty upset about MJ's comments, but she insisted she was not offended. She was only acting offended. Big difference. And when she said she doesn't get emotionally attached to sexual relationships, she meant she DOES get emotionally attached. Don't know why people misinterpreted that.

Well, the good news is that we survived a double-shot of the hometown honeys storyline. The bad news is that there certainly is more where that came from. Please Bunim/Murray, make sure your cast is all single next time around.

Posted by at 12:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Spader was also joined in cameo appearances by Captain James T. Kirk himself, Star Trek alum William Shatner as the ubiquitous, wealthy and seemingly feeble-minded Denny Crane. In fact, by the end of last season, we were entirely uncertain if Mr. Crane ever practiced law since the only activity we saw him practicing was himself, literally stating “I’m Denny Crane…Denny Crane here” in nearly every scene. Well, Mr. Crane is back – and, in full form. Last week’s premiere episode of Boston Legal opened with Denny Crane in the middle of a personal and professional scandal – he was having an affair with the wife of his highest-paying client. The client, of course, wanted to hire a private investigator to seek out the culprit, which Denny Crane naturally tried to avoid. Since newcomer Lori Colson (Monica Potter) was handling the case, he asked her to convince the client not to pursue a P.I. Lori’s approach, knowing her client to be a womanizer with a flare for young beautiful young women, was to ask Tara (Rhona Mitra) for assistance. Lori, in an effort to convince and avert Ernie’s attention from the P.I., tells Tara: “You’re hot, nasty hot – men leave their wives for you hot. You can file your sexual harassment suit tomorrow. Right now, go in there and flirt.” Though Lori seems to be one of the more morally abiding lawyers so far, it’s good to know she’s not above maximizing her resources.

When the client, Ernie, discovers that it is Crane himself who is sleeping with his wife, he shows up in his office with a gun. To which Crane slyly responds, “You know people come in here all the time who want to kill me. Know what I tell them? Go ahead – shoot.” A self-professed legacy with seemingly little substance, Shatner’s egotistical Crane is nothing if not likeable. And like Alan, Denny Crane is has already shown signs of vulnerability. In an intimate closing scene between Alan and Denny Crane, Alan asks if he is scared. Denny Crane is silent for a moment and then says that he does not believe in “tomorrow.” They are silent, toast to “no tomorrow’s” and the scene ends. I will not even begin to analyze that moment – especially not after the first episode. But, the more vulnerable, the more we can identify and sympathize. Their idiosyncrasies and under-the-table antics make them interesting to watch and their insecurities make them real. Well done, writers. Finally, a law show with actual characters.

Rhona Mitra reprises her role as the sharp, sexy and strong Tara who misses nothing and yet always seems to have the attention of everyone. Her confidence and quick-wit is enticing and respectable. Writers? Let’s see more. I’ll give it a few weeks but Tara has scandal or at least triangle written all over – or for now, around – her. Don’t let her get stuck in the reliable role. Frankly, and this is being written by a woman keep in mind, she’s too damn hot for that. Leave it to Lori – if you really need someone there. Though there’s a possible Mark-Lori and Alan interest brewing there already. We shall have to watch closely for the inter-office triangle development.

To round out the cast of women, Lake Bell returns as the insecure Sally and pseudo-girlfriend of Alan Shore. Though it is Tara who always seems to be the ‘apple-of-Alan’s-eye,’ it is Sally who pursued him and Sally who he is dating. Sally, of course, has her own past and skeletons to contend with. We quickly learn that she has dated or rather had affairs with a long list of less-than-stellar men prior to teaming up with the eccentric Alan Shore. More importantly, we learn that she has had an affair with newcomer Brad Chase of the DC office. Though visiting in the premiere episode, Brad, of course will be making his stay in Boston permanent courtesy of upper management’s request. Brad is played by Keen Eddie veteran Mark Valley who’s beautifully chiseled chin, blond hair and blue eyes have him labeled as a Ken Doll look-alike by the not-so-chiseled yet oddly charming Alan Shore. Do I sense competition? I certainly hope so. Though it is truly beneath Alan’s character to engage in any form of jealous of competition (for gals or anything else) among his colleagues and peers, a rumble does seem to be brewing. At one point, Alan looks up, notes the body language and banter between Sally and Brad and exclaims, “You two have had sex!” Indeed they have. Sally, clearly not the one to end the affair, all but propositions Brad near a bookshelf in an office corner. Yes, she is ‘with’ Alan now, but c’mon, who wouldn’t want to just “confirm” that there’s nothing left with Brad? Smart girl. While Sally’s insecurities are kind of annoying, she has opened the season with a love-sex triangle in place. This wins Sally a few points – for now – to stand in for her seemingly endless annoying traits. Perhaps she’ll surprise us yet – though my money’s on Tara.

Alan may be the anti-Bobby but Brad is the anti-Alan. A lawyer with a conscience and rule book, he is a rarity in this legal office – and Alan’s opposite. Their rivalry begins in the very first scene. Brad is standing up in a meeting where he has set down papers on the table to claim a seat. Alan walks in, pushes them down two chairs and sits down at the table. Brad looks up as if to ask, what the hell are you doing? Alan looks at him and says, “we’re not territorial about that sort of thing, are we?” A line later repeated by Brad when Alan learns of his relationship with Sally. Bring it, baby. Bring it.

Sure – there’s one more main character – this guy Paul who looks older than Denny and seems to have the relationship with the “Board” but yet is presented as junior in rank. Either way, the gist is: he wants Denny out and feels he’s a liability. That said, anything else related to Paul is just boring. Moving on.

Finally, Sharon Lawrence makes the transition from the NYPD to the courtroom with her cameo or perhaps first appearance as Judge, presiding over case of the African-American child denied the part of Annie in a school play due to her race and “not being right for the part.” Reverend Al Sharpton makes a cameo and courtroom speech in the child’s defense. Ultimately the child is granted the role a few nights per month. Lastly, a man tries to deny his wife and kids the opportunity to leave the state because well, he’s evil. Not to worry – Alan blackmails him into a settlement, permitting the family to leave and being their lives in a new state. Needless to say, it’s going to get interesting.

While loyal fans were disappointed with the transition from The Practice to Legal: Prologue and ultimately the spin-off Boston Legal which premiered last weekend, Legal has attracted an whole new audience, myself included, and is on its way to becoming a must-see part of the Sunday night line-up. Personally, I’m not into law shows. But this is one legal drama with a kick. Alan Shore is so bad that he’s good – at least, good to watch – which in television, is all that you need. Denny Crane seems to support this blurred view of morality in law and good for him. Even better for us. There’s a host of new and notably attractive faces to watch, both male and female. Oh, for those of you who thought that this was an actual law drama, think again. This office is Melrose in suits. For you legal purists and actual lawyers out there, my condolences. As for the rest of you, clear your schedule Sunday nights 10-11PM on ABC and start watching.

Posted by at 6:00 PM | Permalink

I have a weekly poker night. Sometimes, its poker nights. I am a poker enthusaist. In fact, my RePlay TV picks up all the poker shows. World Poker Tour, 2004 World Series of Poker, Poker Superstars Invitational Tournament, Strip Poker Invitational (pay-per-view). Hell I even will be recording Saved By The Bell: The College Years Friday 10/15 at 12:30pm on TBS in order not to miss the episode entitled The Poker Game: The girls give spurned Mr. Rogers romantic advice.

I think I have sufficiently proven my geekiness for poker. Which is why I stayed in Sunday night to catch the 3rd Season Premier of Celebrity Poker Showdown.

So, its called Celebrity Poker Showdown...lets break this down..

Sunday night the Hollywood elite, including Matthew Perry, Jimmy Kimmel's girlfriend, that fat guy from News Radio, some guy from a show called Alias & that dude from Law & Order...no, the other Law and Order...No, you're thinking of Vincent D'Onofrio...oh so maybe the term 'celebrity' is being loosely thrown around. Or perhaps it was just a weak week. Let's see who else will be appearing at the CELEBRITY table this season: Ryan Stiles, no, Dennis Rodman, no, Ricki Lake, god no, Donny Deutsch, who? Macauly Culkin, no, Kathy Griffin, yawn, Neil Patrick Harris -- Look if the best you can come up with is that kid from Home Alone, and Doogie Howser, I don’t think it's fair to use the term "celebrity." I read the word "celebrity", and I don't giggle like I do when I read the term "Holy Shiite" in the NY Times, no I actually clench when I realize Fletch is still being touted as a celeb.

Celebrity Poker Showdown is a time when people can forget their cultural differences and all sit down at a table with the same goal, try to be much cooler than they really are.

Poker players all seem to share a certain amount of coolness cache'. But suddenly when you have Harold and Kumar's Christopher Maloni, wearing sunglasses, an old hat Joey Bishop would steer clear from, and a cliché black and white Vegas shirt with alternating club, spade, diamond, heart trim going down from the shoulders to the hip, it feels less chic and more like a costume.
"If I were cool, and could play poker in any way and I had Elton John’s designer what would I wear?" Thought Meloni prior to getting dressed. The result, garb that would make the cast of San Fransico Playhouse's West Side Story think, "god that’s soo Gay".

But at least they can play, understanding the subtleties and innuendos that make the game more than a game of chance but rather a "showdown" of skill and smarts. The way Sarah Silverman went "all in" and then crawled a top the felt laying face down with legs and arms akimbo, leaving the dealer no choice but to show us the river on the small of her back. Ahhh, yes. Reminiscent to the playing style of poker legend Doyle Brunson. When the great Matthew Perry known as a comedic genius received the unruly advice of an overly excited audience member who yelled "ALL IN", with sassy wit Mr. Perry replied "oh, I thought you were talking to your girlfriend" the unpredictable snap, was not unlike the unpredictable poker stylings of poker professional Gus Hanson. **note the sarcasm**

These folks for the most part can't game in poker, and even more so are barely celebrities even by the loosest definitions. Which leaves us with SHOWDOWN. Ok, Ill give them that. I suggest they rename it QUASI-HAS-BEEN-CELEBRITY-ISH "This isn't 21?" SHOWDOWN.

I will still watch the show. I may even watch it live with commercials at some point, cause I love poker. But I think the show is beginning to lose the coolness cache' that it had at one point, but allowing celebrity douche-bags to play. Give me the Schwimmers, the Afflecks, the Norm Macdonalds....but please keep the Gilmore Girls, West Wingers, and Smallvillians at home.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 10:31 AM | Permalink

Man, Veronica makes it too easy for us. Why does this image from The Real World/Road Rules Battle of the Sexes 2 seem so appropriate (and gross and funny)? We know you have an answer.

Add your own caption by posting a comment below.

Posted by at 11:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

For the latest installment of the Real World / Road Rules Challegne, Bunim/Murray productions has clearly set up a battle between the old guard, represented by the likes of Coral, Mike, Veronica, Katie, and Theo and the new guard, with people like Robin, Cameran, Randy, Derrick, and Angela. Actually, maybe I should call it a battle of the old guard vs. the soon-to-be old guard, because I haven't actually seen confirmation that any Bunim/Murray alumnus has ever actually refused an invite on one of these reunion shows. It seems to be the vogue thing this year to speak ironically about how many times some of the people have appeared. Katie even admits she does it because she wants to avoid getting a real job, as if this is some revelation new to the viewer.

As we g0t started, the people here in the TVgasm offices began to wonder about a few things. Has Jonny Mosely given up training, because he looks fat. Did Chris give up on his intervention with Derrick during the XTreme season, because Derrick showed up bright and early to the challenge with a bottle of Beck's. What is the deal with all of the jockwear from The Miz? We have also come to grips to with the fact that Tina is going to be around for a long time. We don't know how she is going to be any worse than her appearance on Road Rules Xtreme, but we are sure she will pull it off somehow. Luckily there was no more beer at the office, or B-side would have thrown a few bottles at the TV from the mere sight of her horrible visage.

With each successive Real World or Road Rules episode, they must spend some time checking out everybody's new digs. The girls get a lodge, the guys get a lodge, and there is a main lodge for who knows what. It's not really all that impressive, but it gave everybody a chance to get to meet each other and take in everybody else's ironic t-shirts and Miz Jockwear. Rachel outdid everybody by wearing ironic t-shirts that were also political (she's a fan of the Junior Senator from Massachusetts). I always wonder why they do these little get to know you sections of the game, it's not like they are sitting home and boycotting each other's seasons while they are on the air.

At the guys' house, they started on their way to impersonal and boring voting meetings by deciding that people should make a judgment decision based on performance. A team always needs an old man to whip them into shape, and this year that man is Eric Nies. To make everything more orderly during the meetings for the guys, he proposes that only person who can speak is the one holding the jump rope. Yes, a jump rope. I guess when you are old and go to leadership seminars and team building exercises, you learn a few things. Still it made sense in some of the execution, but it was quickly abandoned nonetheless. In the end, the only thing people agreed on was the kind of drunken mess Derrick was, and how he was hurting the team. He even labeled himself as a rebel and a renegade. Hmm, I wonder if Derrick is being set up to redeem himself later in the episode? We may think he is out of control, but he's simply having a nice conversation with a frog, the only one who will understand him.

How do the girls do things? Catty. Catty. More catty. This year, the girls at least realize that they are more than likely going to be unreasonable in their voting, so everybody should get used to it. It becomes clear that the girls might not come down to a battle of newbies and veterans as much as the bullies and their pray. The bullies? Coral, because you don't last this many challenges without some attitude. Veronica, because as long as somebody is not as cool as you, you can make fun of them. Rachel, because after being the victim of what you considered unfair actions in the first Battle of the Sexes, you should make sure you are equally unfair each and every season you decide to return. Tonya, because the next best thing to being a bully is being the insecure friend of a bully who doesn't speak out when that bully mistreats everybody else.

For this special one-hour season opener, the challenge was the "Dangle Drop", where a group from each team hangs from a heavy bag suspended above the water, and they can't hold onto the chains holding the punching bag up. Groups of either four or five from each side would compete against each other in four heats, with the winners moving on to a final round. Captains for the men were Adam, Abram and Eric, the girls were Genesis, Rachel, and Tina. The captains are the leaders, and if their team wins, they become the inner circle of members and decide which one of the lackeys they want to send home. If their team loses, those lackeys get to vote one of their captains out, seemingly reigning cosmic justice down upon people for messing up the strategy. I like this new way of voting, because it is going to make it difficult to pick on one person multiple weeks in a row. Although there may be some incentive to lose so you can vote off a sucky captain here or there (well articulated within about 2 minutes by Coral, who wanted to chuck Tina), but if you are always losing, your prizes will be weak, so there is incentive to win the challenge, even though there is a good chance that the winning captains will vote off weak participants. I wonder how long it is going to take Coral or Mike to volunteer to be captain?

I thought the women would be great at this challenge, since they are usually more flexible. (Do you wrap your legs around your partner when she's on top? In most cases, I would say no.) Then again, staying fixed upon the heavy bag requires strength, not necessarily an abundant commodity on the women's team. And true to form, the women went down like they weren't even there during the first heat. All of the women dropped right off before any of the men fell. Veronica desperately tried to hold on as she slipped, and the result looked like one painful wedgie. Derrick won the heat, and right away people started noticing that although he was always drunk, he was always tenacious. Score one point for a Bunim/Murray misdirection. The second round was looking like it would be much like the first, but it was actually Ace, previously heard saying that he would be balls to the wall, falling first. After the early set backs, the girls actually had a chance to win, except that it meant Tina would have to outdo Abram. Since this wasn't a contest of the most annoying shrill voices, Tina wound up losing. Still, I have to give her a little props, and she seemed to inspire her teammates, as Coral and Rachel wound up beating the guys in the next two heats, meaning they would have a fighting chance against the guys in the final.

During the final round, fatigue became a huge factor, and the guys, who won the early rounds and were rested, looked like it was going to be no problem beat the two women. Coral went first, and with her back to the wall, Rachel summoned all of her energy and...complained about Angela and Cameran? Yes, that's right. Angela and Cameran decided to go off a little ways and have some fun in the lake. You know, enjoy some of their time there. In her interview, Rachel said she had a problem that they weren't paying attention to the game. Read: They weren't putting Rachel at the center of attention, where she always deserves to be. Of course, Rachel probably should have spent less time worrying about who wasn't watching her, and more time trying to hang on tightly. Abram and Derrick were nowhere close to falling, and she finally was too tired and dropped into the water. Adam nearly killed himself jumping into the water to congratulate Derrick and Abram, and Rachel was still fuming, saying she telling the audience we would see some broken noses if she was voted out that evening. We can only hope that Rachel is also a recipient of a broken nose, as it's an easy excuse for her to get some rhinoplasty.

For the men, the captains had almost no trouble picking Jacquese as the one to go. He fell off more quickly than anybody else, including two people who were disqualified, the Miz being one of them. As the women were voting, it looked like smarter heads would prevail, as they agreed that it would be best for the team to vote of the least performing of the group. A lot of people agreed, but Angela said she thought that Rachel was the one captain that failed to encourage her at all, and tried to pull the whole "it would be better for the team" angle by suggesting Rachel should go. A lot of people agreed that Tina was very encouraging and tried very hard, which meant that she would naturally receive the second most votes of the captains. I think a lot of people wanted to go along with Angela's plan, but this early in the game didn't want to stick their necks out right now. That left only Genesis. The thought of voting her off made Ruthie "feel like throwing up". I guess she did the old boot and rally, because Genesis was voted off. Angela stuck her neck out there, and I give her respect for that, and although she isn't the greatest, I think there are far greater evils on her team this time around.

To get an idea of just how crazy things are going to be, we ended this supersized episode with a little good natured practical joking. The girls decided to steal one of the massaging chairs from the guys' house because they didn't have one of their own. It took almost all of them to fend off the one or two guys that were around the house, but they did make off with their stash. I was left wondering how the guys were going to get back at them. Abram, who I sometimes think is fairly shallow and often more talk than action (ahem, boxing match in Argentina), redeemed many points in my book by suggesting and implementing a great comeback. What I was expecting is something unoriginal, perhaps a pressed ham on a couple of windows, a little urine in the Brita filter, or even baking some animal droppings in their oven. No, Abram got them where it really hurts. He removed two of their three toilet seats, ensuring what is likely to be some awkward pee sequences on the girls part, and probably one or two instances of people falling in altogether. I mean, there is no way 18 girls are going to share one toilet. Bravo Abram, bravo!

As a reminder, TVgasm is having a little mini-contest for the Real World/ Road Rules Battle of the Sexes 2 Fantasy Challenge. Sign up at MTV, pick your teams, and if you come out on top of our league, The Passion of the TVgasm, you win one free item from the TVgasm store. You can add or remove people from your team right up until October 18th. Good luck.

Posted by at 10:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

When Jordan Knight agreed to appear on this latest season of The Surreal Life, I am sure he was hoping to do a lot of things, not the least of which was convince the world that he did actually exist and convince the world that Donnie Wahlberg is not the only member of New Kids on the Block to achieve a legitimate career in the entertainment industry. Mission accomplished on the first, not so much on the second. If there is anything this season of The Surreal Life has taught us, it is that Jordan Knight probably should never sing or act again, lest humanity be unable to recover again.

All of the Surreal Life housemates are tasked with creating a new song in just 24 hours worth of time. Unfortunately for all of them, the producer of this little ditty would be none other than Jordan Knight. Jordan, instantly realizing how important this opportunity would be for him, immediately put on his producer shades to let the world know that he meant business. The rest of the house was so enthusiastic with the exception of Flavor Flav, who mentioned that he was sporting a hard on because of all the excitement. If only all of us could be so fulfilled with our work. The others were not so sure, and probably weren't even half-mast thinking about what sort of mess Jordan would come up with. I don't see the problem. It has been five years since Jordan released anything, so he surely spent that time growing as a musician, right?

Things appeared to be going well at first, the studio they picked was one Charro was familiar with, so she thought it was going to be a hit. Flavor Flav was so excited, he asked his stylist to come and and do his hair (all that time in the water can do a number on your locks). During this time, he had a discussion with Brigitte, who said that she could be with him, but he would have to get rid of the gold teeth and the clock. It's fine for the performer, but not for the home. Flav said that he would do all of that, but they would have to be married. I'm not sure if Flav was serious or if he was just hallucinating from his hair being pulled into those thin cornrows for so long. I am hoping it was the latter. I love these two on TV, but does the world need another trainwreck in the making marriage to keep track of?

While Flav was getting done up, Jordan was trying to get some things done on the new track. There are probably plenty of people out there wondering how in the hell Jordan was going to throw together sounds as diverse as Charro, Dave Coulier, and Ryan Starr together and make it sound good enough for the radio. The answer is that he decided that he would do what he knows best (sucky R&B), mix it up with a little Flavor Flav attitude and if the other people could add anything, that would be great. It is difficult describing just how awful it was to watch Jordan go to work. On second thought, you can probably imagine how painful it was, as I am sure many of you are still old enough to remember what he and his crew did on stage. He upset Charro to no end, because she was used to working with professionals. She was open to what he had to do, but he really had no clue what it was supposed to sound like and couldn't coach her at all. Jordan attributed this to the fact Charro was classically trained, and he was not. She wanted yo know such frivolous information as what chord to play, but he didn't know what an "A" or "G" chord was, and couldn't understand why she thought it was so essential to have some sort of idea what notes she was supposed to play. Charro eventually finished her recording, but was clearly upset at the JV operation she was becoming a part of.

As much trouble as Charro had, Ryan Starr had many more. You see, Ryan is not a pop star. She is a rock star. Anything relating to pop would hurt her legitimacy as a pop artist. My take is that her single, My Religion is going to be the single most damaging element in her quest for rock stardom. She hated Jordan as a producer, which is understandable, because he sucked, but started to get really emotional about the whole thing. As if sensing she needed to be calmed down (and to convince everybody else he had some idea of what he was doing), Jordan trotted Louis Perlman in. All of us have Louis to thank for the Backstreet Boys, N'Sync, and Brittany Spears, and their popularity among those without any taste in music. However much we hate his music, he is successful, and you would think that somebody like Ryan Starr, so desperately trying to make it on her own, would want to get to know somebody who was famous for creating superstars, even if they were pop. For some reason, Ryan didn't follow this sort of reasoning, and showed pretty much total disdain for his presence. Even if she doesn't want to be associated with pop, her inability to kiss some ass to get to help her achieve results tells me she is going to have trouble making it in this town. Besides, even the most legitimately creative artists can drink from the fountain of suck in the space of one album release, just ask Jewel or Liz Phair.

Everybody begrudgingly joined in. Flavor Flav put down some beats, and Brigitte tried to inspire with some lyrics (after a session of some of her own hair-pulling with Flav's stylist), Charro soothed her aching wrist, and Ryan star continued to believe the worst would happen. She threw a little mini-tantrum, saying it "was like American Idol all over again", which was obviously a detriment to her career with all of the free publicity and exposure she received doing bad covers of music. She went to cry in a bathroom, and we were left wondering what kind of song Jordan would put together. I am pretty sure it is going to suck, but we will have to wait until next week since VH1 stuck us with a cliffhanger. It will be interesting to see how much play this slop is going to get on the airwaves, because it can't be much worse than those songs the American Idol winners have left us with and we got to listen to those all of the time. My guess is that it won't be so profound as to be damaging to anybody's career, even Ryan's.

Posted by at 1:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I think we can all agree that the writers of Smallville decided to turn the heat up a notch this season. We've already had scenes of Clark's bare ass, Lionel Luther in a prison shower, Clark in his home shower, Lana in a Paris shower, Lana in some girl-on-girl action, a little good lovin' in the locker room, and even some bondage. Well, the bondage was actually Chloe tied up waiting for her death, but you get the idea. It turns out that there is some video footage out there containing a Smallville regular with a lotta "T" to go with some cute "A". Sorry to say, it is NOT Kristin Kreuk in a Hiltonesque romp in the sheets. What we do have is Erica Durance(credited as Erica Parker) taking it all off for a scene in House of the Dead. I have not seen the movie, but would like to thank TVgasm reader BertQ for sending us the video clip. We are not going to post the whole thing, but would like to leave you with some inspiration[picture is SFW] to Tivo this movie. Knowing there are ninety seconds of Erica frolicking naked in the water might be just enough of an incentive to spend some money to rent the DVD and some time with the fast forward button. Maybe.

Posted by at 5:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It's been a rough week for The Apprentice. Well, not so much for The Apprentice, but for recently fired applicant (can applicants be fired?) Jen C., who's found her world collapsing in the wake of her arguably anti-Semitic comments from last Wednesday. Yeah, this show isn't always great for your career. Just ask Kwame Jackson. Oh wait. Anyway, when we returned to the universe of The Apprentice last night, the apartment was reeling from the firing of Jen C.. No one seemed to mind her absence, and Stacy was kind enough to mark her departure with a little "The witch is dead" proclamation. Of course, in the wake of another female departure, the women all gathered around the kitchen to discuss ways to be more productive and communicative. This apparently meant finger pointing and general bitchiness - a strategy that has worked oh so well the past few weeks. "If you have to order bread, it shouldn't take forty five minutes," declared Sandy in what was supposed to be an attack on Stacy. SLAM! Nice panary dis! I've been waiting all season for someone to work in a pumpernickel attack, and I think this was about as close as I'm going to get. Oh yes. It was going to be a good show...

While the verbal skirmish raged politely on, Pamela stopped in to observe. She had a look of shock on her face, and I couldn't help wondering if something awful was going on off-camera. You know, like Maria bludgeoning a puppy. I guess she was just surprised at the continued ineptitude of the women in these tasks, but then again, in her eyes, it isn't about the battle of the sexes, or as she so delicately put it, "uteruses versus penises." She then added "Which is too bad because I was turned down for The Great Uterus-Penis Challenge 2004."

Anyway, the next day the troops all shuffled off to UPS - although not before we saw Chris's nipple ring. I wonder, does Carolyn have one of those? Or better yet, George? Okay, erase that image if you can. At the UPS distribution center, the applicants all stood around, awaiting their master. Maria dazzled all with a monster flower broche that seemed like a forced attempt at gracefulness. "I'm as soft as a flower. Did you hear me? SOFT AS A FLOWER!" Hiding in the shadow of the gargantuan rose was Sandy whose face seems to be ground zero for some sort of makeup explosion. Seriously, I'm no makeup artist, but when your base shows up on TV, that's a bad sign. Her face was about two shades darker than her neck. Why does this matter? It doesn't. So let's move on. After a few moments of staring at our group, the mighty trio of The Donald, The Carolyn, and The George all arrived. Mark Burnett swapped out the regal fanfare for a more throbbing rock star guitar riff. I guess it matched the whole decor with all those trucks around. Maybe if the next mission is at Lincoln Center, Trump can get a glockenspiel intro. That would be awesome.

Happy

Sad

The first order of business was that Trump took Pamela off of the sissy-named Mosaic team and placed her on the sissy-filled Apex team. Then it was time for the challenge. With all the UPS trucks around, I couldn't wait to hear what it was. Something to do with freight or the complexities of international shipping? Maybe the high demands of running a fleet of trucks on a rigid schedule? Actually, the task was much simpler. Teams had to sell an item on QVC and whoever had the highest revenue wins. Oh, and by the way, QVC uses UPS and they're like really really good, so let's just give them this little product placement here totally blatantly.

The teams piled into buses that drove them to QVC, but apparently there was some stop at the Frito-Lay factory because everyone seemed to have a bag of Lays or Doritos in their laps. In Team Apex's bus, Pamela laid the smackdown on the women with her aggressive leadership. Maria was not happy. The team doesn't need a lecture, she said during her interview. Yeah, the team has been so mature lately, like that time when they ganged up on Stacie as a scapegoat. I personally think Maria's was just a little cranky because Pamela had no respect for her designer suit, which clearly must have been sat on prior to this mission.

At the QVC headquarters, Apex chose to sell a spongey cleaning agent called "It Works!" Coincidentally, this is the same thing Maria's creators said when they first tested her out. Pamela seemed to be doing a great job in organizing the women and making them productive. She had some problems with Stacy, but overall, there seemed to be a minimum amount of bickering. Then again, any bickering was quickly shot down by Pamela's tone, which seemed to say "Shut up. Shut the F up. Shut up before I sew a muzzle out of your hair and stick it on your face." Unfortunately, this authoritarian style, which was so good at organizing the women, also opened Pamela up to attack, especially after she priced a package of thirty sponges at just under $30. Um, yeah. I'll stick with club soda and vinegar.

Over at Mosaic, the guys opted to put their weight behind a panini grill. Could they BE any more QVC? There was some squabbling about the price - Raj wanted it to be $69.99, Kelley wanted it to be $71.25. Chris, as the leader just wanted it to be over. He sided with Kelley. But enough about the men. There's no drama there. Let's go back to the women! With the product and pricing in place, the group performed a runthrough with Maria and Jen M. at the helm.

Maria, who had a self-proclaimed background in public speaking, immediately took front and center and tried to hawk the product with such angry perkiness that I thought she might hold a knife up to someone and demand viewers to buy the sponge, all with a perfect smile on her face. Once again, her eyelids went aflutter as Maria didn't as much recite her lines and blink them. Maybe she was trying to just reach the Morse Code demographic.

Pamela decided to demote Maria to second, well-dressed banana behind the more composed Jen M. whose only public speaking experience has been as a trial lawyer, whatever THAT means. Of course, no situation like this could go without a little passive aggression, this time from Elizabeth who had the following conversation with Ivana in front of Maria: "Tell Maria that Pamela's coming down to talk to her... Oh, and tell Jen she was absolutely perfect and wonderful and great. Tell Maria not to interrupt her." Now that was some good passive aggression!

Ultimately, the two teams duked it out on the air. Apex sold more units but at a lower price. Mosaic seemed to be having problems making sales. But hey, at least Andy was happy. He extolled the experience as he sat by a wall wearing a QVC hardhat. Did I miss something? Was Andy at the QVC steel girder plant? Anyway, in a tough break, the guys won the challenge by a mere $10. It's too bad because now we have another week with Raj, and Pamela, who had such solid if not unforgiving leadership skills, would most likely be going home.

The guys all went off to Flushing, NY to hit a few balls with tennis great John McEnroe and tennis mediocre talent Anna Kournikova. Raj, ever the dapper gentleman, tried to woo Ms. Kournikova, but she was fairly unreceptive. Maybe she didn't want to raise the ire of Enrique Iglesias, lest he release another crappy song to express his rage (in an appropriately lusty and smoldering way. Bailamos!). Anna dared Raj to return just one of five serves, and then she would have coffee with him. Of course Raj whiffed miserably each time, complaining that the ball had spin on it. Um, Raj, you do realize you're playing a professional tennis player, right? That's supposed to happen. Never one to go down without trying, Raj took the chance to make lame political jokes about the balls. "That one had more spin than Bill Clinton!" he said. Wow, somebody call John Stewart. The newest political humorist is here and he's ready to take over! Anyway, Raj lost the bet and as punishment, he had to run around the stadium in only his boxers. Yes, I can think of no finer way to salute the late Arthur Ashe.

Things were not so carefree back at the loft. The women all ganged together to develop a strategy to oust Pamela. Yay! More scapegoating! At least this time there wasn't that awkward moment like that one time when Stacie J. walked in on the strategy session and all the women walked away from her. Team Apex finally made their way down to the boardroom where Maria debuted what appeared to be either a matador's blazer or the product of a free QVC bedazzler. Carolyn was significantly less testy than the past few weeks, but George wound up being the snippy one this time (next week's promos warn "Don't annoy George!") as he chided Pamela for saying that Apex tied Mosaic.

Ultimately, Pamela chose to return to the boardroom with Stacy and Maria, two of the more annoying women who in this case were not really accountable for the mission's failure. All three women put up solid defenses, although Maria did face a little Carolyn wrath. In the end though, it was Pamela's oversight on the pricing and her lack of flexibility that did her in. Sure enough, she was sent home in a taxi where a string of self-serving comments such as "You have to be underhanded, and that's just not me" helped soften the blow. Can't wait to see the women implode next week!

Posted by at 1:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Well, another week down and another pleasantly enjoyable, although not exactly exciting, episode of Survivor: Vanuatu has passed. This may not be the most - how do you say - intense season, but the jiggle ratio is quite impressive and the concentration of blandness amongst the men is really quite a feat for casting. Truthfully, I'm not really down on the show. Every now and then we get a bum season (Africa, Thailand), but the series always bounces back with great vigor. So for now, I'm just going to quietly take Vanuatu for what it's worth and hope that Mark Burnett stops fooling around with junk like "The Casino" and "The Contender" and focuses on things like, I don't know, good casting for his trademark show.

The good news is that even the worst casting can't undermine the pure joy of a cat fight, and that's what we got right at the top of the show. Eliza was just a wee bit mad at breasty Lisa for backing out of the alliance, a complaint Lisa had leveled at Eliza just two days prior. This spat of course led to lots of dazed looking people in night vision and of course the obligatory shots of crabs scuttling around the beach. Run for cover! The humans are arguing and if we don't move, there will be no symbolic imagery!!!

Anyway, after Eliza served up a fresh cocktail of passive aggression and sort of deserved annoyance, Lisa made her point clear: "I'm not going to be confrontational!" she yelled, uh, confrontationally. Scout meanwhile threw in a dash of her own brand of eco-friendly passive aggression when she said, "My environment is a little polluted. I'm going to sleep." Twila followed, probably sad that Ami's feminine makeover wouldn't be happening that night. As the team settled in for a long, angry night, Lisa nestled in with the older women, a smart move which could keep her in the game just long enough.

Over with the men at Lopevi, young John was complaining about the voting strategy. Like, all the young guys are getting voted off. What's the deal, yo? Actually, what John really said was that "all the good young guys with personality are gone." Yes, those shining personalities. Remember JP and the time he said... that thing? Or Brooke when he was super charismatic about... you know... uh... He was radiant, okay? Just trust me! Besides, the younger guys are more athletic, John said. Brady agreed. The younger guys are quick, nimble, and strong. This was followed by a shot of a coconut landing on Brady's head. Seriously.

Meanwhile, at dysfunction junction - aka the Yasur tribe - the girls eyed a rainbow, which of course prompted Ami to remark that it's a sign that the girls are going to win. Hey, Ami, just so you know, that wasn't a private rainbow. It shone for the guys too. Just saying. Anyway, both tribes made their way over to good ole Jeff Probst and the latest reward challenge. After some mindless banter, Jeff asked one of his favorite questions:

"Wanna know what you're playing for?" Everyone nodded and a black man in a loincloth of sorts appeared by Jeff's side. Well, apparently they're playing for a slave! Oh wait, no. According to Probst, the guy was a "rockstar" on the island. "He knows how to find food, how to catch food, how to cook food," Jeff said. "Plus, he's HILarious." Okay, that was a reference to last week's Real World. I apologize, but if you're confused, click here.

Anyway, what followed was a rather ordinary game of memory that the women took an early lead in. Eventually, it was up to Lisa to find the winning pair of random objects. As she walked - or pranced really - over to the potentially winning basket, the women all huddled together in a circle which had me wondering if there was some game of Family Feud going on. They looked like they were ready to steal the answer after three strikes. Anyway, Lisa made the correct choice, which meant the gals all could have their island guide, Da, for a day. It was during this time that I also noticed that sneaky Ami had given Twila that French Braid she'd been talking about at last Tribal Council. How could we be deprived of this awkward Twila moment??

After commercial break, we returned to the lovely ladies of Yasur who were all eager to greet Da at the beach. He just brushed past them and got to work showing everyone the secrets of the land. I enjoyed watching Twila and Da interact, and I couldn't help thinking that if they had more than a day together, they could become the oddest couple since Brigitte Nielsen and Flavor Flav first lay eyes upon each other on The Surreal Life.

Without Da, the guys were in shambles. Rory and Sarge continued to bicker, a recurring theme which still hasn't translated to good television. You'd think Sarge would maybe brush it all off, but apparently bickering is a high level skill set for career military men. Bubba, meanwhile, obliged us with the traditional daddy-misses-his-family (which he voluntarily left to be on a game show) speech. "My boys are my life," he said, choking up. What about Bob Barker? You only have his giant face plastered on your big, orange T-shirt for us all to see. No love.

While the men went at it, the women continued to reap the rewards of Da. Honestly, Da was awesome. He could do anything. I thought his presence would be gimmicky and stupid - and it sort of was - but I found myself totally rapt by his resourcefulness. I was like SHOW ME MORE, DA. SHOW ME MORE. When it came time for him to finally leave, the women were on the verge of tears, and as he sailed off into the ocean, Lisa upped the Koombaya quotient by breaking into a song or a psalm of some sort. Everyone seemed to know the tune and joined in while Twila received a supportive hug. It was beautiful. So beautiful I wanted to never remember it ever again.

The makeshift Lillith Fair had to come to an end though as everyone set their sights on the immunity challenge. Eliza explained how she and Julie felt exceptionally vulnerable. Julie's apprehension was evidenced by her completely blank expression and lack of speaking. When asked how she felt about the tribe situation, she responded with "..." This was followed by a cricket chirping.

If the reward challenge was a second grade puzzle, the immunity challenge was a steep increase in difficulty... to a fourth grade puzzle. I won't even describe it except to say that the guys were hopeless and the women were on top of it. This was underlined by the music which alternated from curious "boing" sounds with Lopevi to determined drumming with Yasur. Sure enough, the ladies won, causing Julie to break out in a triumphant shriek that released days of tension and fear. And by triumphant shriek, I mean she quietly smiled and nodded her head.

As the men headed up to Tribal Council, John and Brady tried their hardest to turn the tide against Rory. I thought it might just happen too. Jeff Probst, attempting desperately to inject some drama into the group, carpet bombed the guys with inciting questions and passive aggressive quips. I like how he's become such a dick over the past few years. Nevertheless, not even Jeff Probst nor Rory's impromptu limerick as he cast his vote could spice up this sorry Tribal Council. Ultimately, Brady was voted out by everyone, including young John. Too bad for John that his gesture will probably go unappreciated back at camp. As for Brady, we'll miss ya, tough guy. We've had so many memories together. Like the time you and JP and Brooke went and did that thing with the... uh... um... there's an earthquake next week, let's talk about that!

Posted by at 10:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Lately, I've been posting about Mike The Miz and his curious journal entries on his website. Maybe I ought to spread the love. TVgasm reader and Jewishbuddha.org blogger Buddha has this to say:

If you're into reality tv people blogs (and clearly, you are), you ought to do your readers the service of linking to Everythinglori.com, the personal website of Lori from RW 10: Back2NY. Originally blogged here, with Mike the Miz: http://www.jewishbuddha.org/archives/000005.php Apologies if you've already mentioned Lori's site and I missed it. I'm not always on top of this stuff. She has blow-by-blow reactions to each episode she was on, as it aired. Plus other random blog jibber jabber. And she's waitressing in L.A. now, so y'all might run into her... Not for the timid: Lori's discussion of the Brazilian wax: Yuck. Cheers -- buddha

Up next, Lori's dissertation on scabby wounds!

Posted by at 5:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I am sure there are a lot of people out there wondering what happened to Smallville over the summer. Our sort of sci-fi, sort of fantasy, comic book-based foray into the life of Superman went from some bumbling antics centered around high school life to something we wouldn't expect to see until after 12 AM on Cinemax. The first two episodes were spent more on reconciling the previous season than actually getting it on with a new one. Never fear, because this latest episode brought us back to Smallville High, where all the students seem intent on catching up on all the sex they missed from the first three seasons.

It's plainly clear that we are supposed to get an insight into how things have come full circle for the lives of everybody in Smallville. Clark went from geek, to Krypton menace, back to geek. Lana went from Smallville, to France, and now back to Smallville. Chloe went from alive, to dead, to back to being alive again. All in all, things seem to be a lot better where all of these people started. Everybody is in their senior year, including Lois. I know, Lois looks quite a bit older right? Well, it turns out she was just about to enter her first year at college when she decided to try a stint as a PI to find Chloe's killer. Much to the chagrin of clark, her dad informs her just as she is about to leave that she didn't have enough credits to enter college because she flunked her last semester of high school[not college, thanks for the correction, j4r3d]. Senioritis, it happens to the best of us.

Suffice it to say, Lois has to go back to school, and although she complains about how she hated it the first time around, life can't be that bad when you roll into school with a classic red 1973 Boss Mustang convertible[picture from Mustang Source]. She rides with Chloe and they argue over how hard it would be to get five credits without any extracurricular activities. Just so happens that Chloe needs somebody to write for the Torch, Smallville's newspaper. Despite her protests that she hates snooping in other people's business, Lois quickly finds a reason to do exactly that.

While walking into school, Chloe and Lana notice Abby Fine, who went from being the ugliest kid in school freshman year, and transformed into the school's number one hottie just in time for her classes to begin. Abby is quite a piece of tail, but Lois can spot obvious signs that some plastic surgery was involved. While she didn't look as bad as say, the people entering the Prada on Rodeo Drive, she clearly had some work done. It's not a stretch to imagine why, since Abby's mom is a plastic surgeon(and one who bears a fairly good resemblance to Joan Rivers). This leads into a whole morality debate between Chloe and Lois on plastic surgery. Chloe's argument, which is basically if that is what it takes for a person to feel good about themselves, so be it. Lois wonders how young is too young. I was also wondering about Chloe's answer, because it seems way out of line with her, but perhaps she was empathizing with Abby about being rejected by those you seek most.

Clark has a larger dilemma on his hands. He wants to play football because he always felt like an outsider looking in. I know what you are saying. Superman? Football? There would be more suspense waiting for a one-legged man to win an ass kicking contest. Still, Clark is confident that he can control his powers, and seeks some advice from Coach Teague, a new member of the football staff. Teague, as in Jason Teague, as in Lana's boyfriend is now a coach at her school. They obviously have to keep their relationship a secret, which is fine when all they are doing is sneaking a kiss when Lana is on a hall pass to use the bathroom. I wonder how many times Jason is going to have to hear "Lana Lang? Yeah, I'd tap that ASS!" in the locker room before he goes apeshit on his players. I mean, a lot of stuff happens in Smallville, he could have sold insurance, right?

Jason gives Clark a speech about expectations and playing for himself, and Clark decides to play football and amazes everybody during practice with his athletic skill. All except one kid, Brett, who can't take his eyes off of Abby, who is doing laps around the school in a halter top. It's particularly interesting because this is the same person that gave Abby the nickname "Scabby Abby" in reference to her previously poor complexion. He's also the main reason Abby decided to let her mom perform the extreme makeover on her. Like every man with a sex drive, Brett comes back for the new hotness and gives a nice little speech about how he wishes he could have taken the time to see her inner beauty. Yes, he was basically trying to get into her pants, and his lines worked, because they went into the boy's locker room for a little hot shower action. The only trouble with this whole little tryst is Abby's apparent power to drive men crazy or, more accurately, kiss them and have them believe their face is falling off. Abby's mom used a special surgery method using kryptonite, and the whole psychosis is apparently a side-effect. Oops!

The effects are psychosomatic, because Brett's face is not actually falling off. He does go crazy enough that he runs right in front of Lois who, like many other idiots out there, loves to pay attention to her cell phone instead of the road. Abby is so distraught, she runs home to ask her mom what happens. When she gets there, Lana is in the middle of a consultation about her tattoo. Dr. Fine says it looks as if the ink was imbedded under the skin, which is what I thought regular tattoos were, so she can't remove it by normal means. Lana asks Abby how her alone time went with the football player is, but Abby pretends she doesn't know what she is talking about. Dr. Fine is furious that Lana might expose her operation, so she tells Abby she must get to Lana and prevent it. She gets her chance when Jason takes Lana for a romantic encounter in a "hidden room in the school". Yes, very lame, but what can you do, there is about to be some hot girl on girl action you idiot. Jason blindfolds Lana and leaves to get her present. Since he was too stupid to hide it in the same room, Abby comes in and plants one on Lana. It wasn't quite Gellar on Blair, but it will do, and the kiss had the desired effect on Lana. She also thought her face was falling off, got flustered, and had a mirror fall on her, immediately sending her to the hospital.

While at the hospital, Chloe bumps into Clark waiting outside of Lana's room and they piece together how Abby was involved in both incidents. As they go to do more research, they learn Lois had made an appointment with Dr. Fine. It turns out her experimental surgery(basically looked like an iron maiden that injected your body with a kryptonite solution in many locations) increased the serotonin level in the victim, and without a special counter agent, the person would go crazy, as if they were on LSD. Wouldn't taking some peyote be a lot easier? While Lois is questioning her, Dr. Fine realizes she is being recorded, and decides to teach Lois a little lesson. If she were to receive treatment without the counter agent, Lois would go crazy and be unable to bother her anymore. As you can imagine, Clark rushes in just as the the iron maiden is about to close. Lois frees herself, kicks Dr. Fine in the head a couple of times, and helps Clark out of the room, unconcerned how he could go from ripping apart the surgery device to mere weakling. I guess that's for another day.

Lois saved the day and learned she loves journalism. The episode was good, and probably the last expository session we will have to deal with for awhile. Although Clark's dad was upset about him joining the football team, he relented, understanding Clark was going to be making a lot more decisions on his own in the near future. It seemed as if everything was going well for Chloe as well. She faked her own death, lived to testify, and now her cousin was in school with her. Best of all, it looks like Lana's mind is going to be occupied with somebody other than Clark Kent. It seemingly gives Chloe a little glimmer of hope, until she sees that Clark and Lois look like they have that certain chemistry. First her best friend takes her man, now her cousin might be doing the same. If her dad ever falls in love with Clark, it's going to be over for Chloe. I'm not sure how the writers are going to deal with that, but it looks like we will find out soon as the previews for next week tell us there is something in Smallville tearing away everybody's inhibitions, and include a clip of Chloe saying she will "do everything Lana wouldn't do for you" to Clark, not to mention a stint on the cheerleading squad, a decidedly un-Chloe Sullivan event. Oh, it's going to be a good year.

Posted by at 11:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

A few months ago I went on the record that Karen was the 1st big winner of bb5. Eventhough at the wrap party I was less than impressed by Karen, and began to lose my crush, I still feel a commitment to my one time TV crush to display her art made in the sequester house at the expense of her former house guests.

I know in the past I have shown and art for long drawn out puns, but tonight I will forgo those and let her pictures speak for themselves.

The complete cast (sans "The Don") after the jump.

For all these and much more of Karens art, be sure to check out her website.

I don't post her website on here because of my one time crush. No. Rather I post her website on here in the hopes of having a reality "star" (and I use that term loosely) make some extra money from the celebrity they have achieved based on....wait for it....actual talent.

Not to take away from Jase or Hollys incredibly gifts as gay extras or orally fixated whore-nurses. Or god forbid you think I feel that not every household needs an Adria mousepad. But there is something to be said for Karen actually selling a tangible product based on her talented efforts.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 2:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

When we last left our plucky group of Philadelphia imports, everything seemed fine and dandy in the Real World mansion. You know, Shavonda was having some money problems but people agreed to cover her, Mel was enjoying the fish tank, Sarah was fondling her boobs, and oh yeah, Karamo almost got arrested on a false gun charge. Those were good times. Amazingly, incidents like these don't just resolve themselves with a few chords of upbeat music and a hopeful shot of the Liberty Bell, and in tonight's episode, the lingering fallout from the gun controversy continued to cause drama in the house between Karamo and MJ. Luckily Jon Bon Jovi was around pick up the pieces. Well, maybe not pick up the pieces. Whatever. Jon Bon Jovi was around.

The episode started off with MJ voicing his frustration about the whole Karamo situation to loyal gym-mate and aspiring sexual conquest Sarah, who seemed more preoccupied with her two tons of grocery bags than anything. While MJ tried to make sense of his situation, Sarah's expression simply said "Can we just talk about my boobs?"

Back at the homestead, Karamo vented his side of the story to some girl at home. Actually, upon further review, said girl was actually a guy with a high pitched voice and effeminate inflection. Not quite the masculine type Karamo was babbling about a few episodes ago. With tensions running high, Landon and MJ hit the streets of Philly to find some undivided comfort in the form of beers and shots. In what has become a disturbing yet very funny aspect to The Real World, the citizens of the host city took it upon themselves to shower our curly buddies with beer cans, CDs and even a stool. No, not a piece of human feces. Some guy at a bar actually threw a stool at MJ. We didn't actually get to see this though because the camera people were evidently filming some fascinating shot elsewhere in the bar. Maybe they were getting cutaways of a neon bar sign flashing! Oh, there's nothing that the folk at Bunim/Murray love more than padding out an episode with images of lights turning on and off. Honestly, they'll probably release a documentary on Walk/Don't Walk signs of the world (the DVD will have bonus footage of streetlights turning on at dusk).

Anyway, MJ avoided the wayward stool - or maybe his hair just sort of deflected it - without incident. You know, we've seen these outbursts from citizens in San Diego and now Philly. Apparently it was a problem in Chicago too. Here's my question. I know these people are annoying, but why do you care so much? Isn't there anything better to do in these cities? Hmmm... Then again, I really would love to throw a stool at the packs of Bunim/Murray alums who rove around the Sunset Strip. Never mind. Carry on.

Upon return to the mansion, MJ acted as if his stool experience was like the Crate & Barrel equivalent of Karamo's gun incident. Yeah, I guess that would be true except MJ, you weren't almost hauled off to jail because of the color of your skin, but that's just semantics I guess. Upon hearing the news of airborne furniture, Sarah entered a state of shock. "I don't understand malicious people. If that gets you by everyday... then go ahead," she said. "I personally rely on my breast implants for self-esteem." Well, maybe she didn't say that...

Karamo, for his part, was quite happy to hear about MJ's plight. "Karma's a bitch," he snipped. Apparently he'd been boning up on Big Brother this summer where the term "Karma Boomerang" was tossed around so much (no pun intended), that I feared we might need a national clarification on Buddhist philosophy. Karamo, however, didn't want to just throw the Karma Boomerang. He wanted to hurl some Ikea lovin' at MJ too, apparently telling Shavonda that he'd be happy if four more stools hit the mophead. Hey now. Be nice. How would you like it if someone threw a stool at you? Or even worse - an ottoman?

Meanwhile, tonight's episode was the grand reveal of the next job that Real Worlders would be chronically late to. A mysterious box arrived at the house with all sorts of Philadelphia Soul paraphernalia inside. Upon discovering some jerseys, Shavonda exclaimed "We're gonna play!" Wow, I know arena football is weak, but was it in such bad shape that they'd let the likes of Willie and Melanie play? Of course not. Shavonda was just being a little dumb. Still, the group learned that they would be doing at least something with the team, which caused Mel to wax philosophical and say that she's looking forward to gaining a greater appreciation for the sport of football and embracing the experience. Did I mention she's from UC Santa Cruz? I half expected Mel to gather the football players in a trust circle and ask them to hone their chi.

The best buds all donned their jerseys and headed to the Wachovia arena. They appeared to be early as the arena was all but empty save for a few stragglers walking around, but sadly, that was all the people who had purchased tickets that day. Hey, when you've got to compete against the WBNA, it's hard work. Clearly the matchup was less than compelling because the franchise owners decided to conduct a meeting with the Real Worlders right in the MIDDLE OF THE GAME. Not even the execs care about the team!

Anyway, the Soul brass alerted the group that they'd be getting involved with the community which is always a bad sign. Sarah commented that she's looking forward to working with the football players and cheerleaders and children. Who to have sex with first? Whatever. She's just psyched to have some kinky new costumes to play with.

After a long afternoon with the arena football folks, the group piled into their SUV and had Karamo drive them home. Unfortunately, Karamo's radar isn't as good as his gaydar and he promptly got the septet lost in the ghetto. Everyone, including Shavonda, had a wide-eyed look of fear in their eyes, which made Karamo laugh. With Willie in the backseat, it sort of brought a new meaning to the term Ghetto Fabulous. MTV played scary music which made me hope the group might get caught in the crossfire of a crack deal gone bad, but alas, just when we were really getting into this Lost In The Ghetto story, the scene inexplicably cross faded into a shot of sun bursting through clouds as if to connote, "And they aaalll made it home safely." It sort of reminded me of the time when I first moved to LA and I took a wrong turn and wound up driving through Compton at 1 AM. That was sort of scary, and unlike the Real Worlders, I didn't have a neat transition shot of a cloud to get me out of that one.

Anyway, the kiddos did all make it back to the mansion where they indulged in a nice round of gossip. With the stool drama still fresh, everyone decided that Karamo and MJ should talk, a decision that made Karamo feel attacked. And when Karamo feels attacked, he shuts down - sort of like Flavor Flav on The Surreal Life. Well, I'm glad Karamo nixed the whole conversation and communication thing because that would sooo have dispelled that angry black man thing that he's going for. Oh wait, he doesn't want to be the angry black man? Well, I guess not talking and staying angry is like... reverse psychology! Yes, that's it!

Of course, it's never as simple as that. Even though Karamo was blatantly angry, he pretended like he wasn't, which only made him seem even angrier. Confused by the whole mess, MJ just asked for one simple thing: "Can I just get a dap?" One dap for MJ? Just a li'l one? A dapsy wapsy for old times sake?

DENIED.

Karamo - who's not angry! - just walked away. You see, he's not mad or anything. He's just so overdapped. I mean every day it's like twelve daps an hour. Sometimes Karamo just doesn't want to dap anymore! And then he comes home and what does MJ want to do? DAP. He just doesn't understand.

As the situation between Karamo and MJ grew increasingly strained, the group headed back out to the arena a few days later for another Soul game, but this time the Real Worlders had a big treat in store for them. Jon. Bon. Jovi. Prancing through the brightly lit tunnels of the arena with unnecessary sunglasses on, Bon Jovi descended upon the group like a well-manicured specimen of 80s history. He informed our buds that they would be spending the summer... building a playground. Oh. I mean, that's cool, but I sort of thought they'd be doing something at the arena football games since, you know, that's what employees of arena football teams usually do. I guess this community service is fine, although couldn't they have just arranged it through some municipal non for profit organization? Oh, that's right. Community service isn't as fun if there's not some corporate product placement involved. Wow, look at me. I became an activist suddenly. I hate me now.

Anyway, as Bon Jovi talked about playgrounds, the guys tried their hardest to suppress their childlike glee. Landon could hardly even talk while MJ seemed preoccupied by Bon Jovi's stunning appearance. "The feathered bangs looked good and those jeans were tight as hell," he said. Honestly, ten more minutes with Bon Jovi and I bet MJ would have smacked his ass and said "Mmmm... That is delicious!"

When Jon Bon J. was done, he asked if he could sign some stuff for the crew. Amazingly, the roommates seemed to quickly snap out of their star-struck states because none of them seemed to care at all about Bon Jovi's autographs. Maybe that's because they'd already received a visit from Sway and P. Diddy as part of Rock the Vote (if you don't know, don't ask). Finally, the crew headed down to the game where they spent the timeouts being those annoying people who throw T-Shirts into the crowd, and by crowd, I mean the first ten rows of the lower level. Damn you! It should be noted that this game was the season closer for the Soul, so all those cool shots of the Real Worlders working at the games were just pulled from this episode. I guess playgrounds aren't as fun to advertise during the season previews.

As the episode came to a close, Karamo was still struggling with his issues concerning MJ. How do I not seem angry and upset, he lamented. Well, it's kind of hard to not seem that way when you clearly are. Poor Karamo was so determined not to be the angry black guy that he of course turned into him. Finally though he reached a point where he was ready to communicate and to the relief of viewers who wanted to get it over with, had "the talk" with MJ. After some heartfelt words, the two dapped (MJ's interior monologue: "YES!") and agreed to be cool from here on out. Oh, one last thing though, MJ said. That thing about the four stools? Did you really mean that? Do you want me to get hit with four stools? Seriously, MJ asked that. Karamo reassured him that no, that's no longer the case. Yesterday yes, but today no. So apparently MJ has a stool rating of zero now, and I think we can all sleep a little more soundly knowing that.

Posted by at 10:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Many of you have noticed some changes on TVgasm over the last few weeks and we would like to give you a few updates on the site:

- TVgasm has been selected as one of the launch sites for SBC's Project DU Network, a place where you will be able to find some of the best and freshest blog content available.

- We have added a bunch of ads from iTunes. If you are a fan of the iTunes Music Store, click on one of our links before you do your purchasing and you'll be supporting TVgasm.

- If you absolutely, positively need to display your love of TVgasm for all the world to see, we have opened the TVgasm Store at Cafepress. The store includes hats, t-shirts and other paraphanalia.

-In the near future, we will be adding new authors so we can cover more television.

- TVGasm will eventually be upgrading its software, and we want to hear from you if you have any suggestions about new features or things you would like to change. Send us an e-mail if there is anything you would like to see.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled non-lame discussion of television.

Posted by at 6:25 PM | Permalink

Every now and then, I like to check up on our old friend Mike The Miz at his website, uh, MikeTheMiz.com and find out what's new in his kooky world. Well, apparently a lot of things are new. Mike has about ten new posts up since last I checked in , but unfortunately, after reading just one, I was so taken with it that I haven't even touched the others. Here's the synopsis: Mike + trampolines = stitches.

Basically, Mike went to a party held by Adam from RW Paris, got drunk, jumped on a trampoline, opened his head up, went to the hospital, refused to numb his head, and got his forehead stapled up. Thus prompting him to proclaim: "I'm officially an idiot." I would think so, especially after this comment:

As [the doctor's] preparing his equipment I notice him take out a shot to numb my head. I asked if I could go without it... how many times in your life will you ever get the anticipation a sharp object getting shot into your head and actually feel it.

So true, Mike. So true. Read all about it here. Come for the typos ("jacoozi", "trampaline"), stay for the nonsequitors ("Yeah I know don't we have any other friends besides reality people. The Answer....Yes.").

Posted by at 2:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Although VH1 has tucked The Surreal Life away into that lonely Sunday night at 10PM Eastern time slot, it continues to be a stellar piece of "crane your neck as you drive by the car crash" piece of entertainment. While you can't argue that Rob and Amber from Survivor are the most famous reality couple in recent memory, there surely isn't enough words to describe the spectacle of Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielsen. He seems like a fin guy, she seems like she is drunk all of the time, and they both enjoy it when she is walking around topless. Now that's a recipe for relationship success.

After a trip down to San Diego where everybody got a chance to gamble and watch Charro perform live on stage, the group was ready to head back to Los Angeles, but not before they stopped along the way for some surf lessons. I used to think Jordan Knight simply sucked, but now it is becoming tiring even making fun of him for sucking. Dave was afraid of Flavor Flav's snoring, so he slept in the closet of their suite. Jordan was afraid of human interaction, so he slept in the RV. Charro slept in her suite, and Ryan and Brigitte lied about performing to get a comped room. Apparently all of the people who went to Harrah's Casino didn't realize royalty was in the parking lot, so they made noise as they were coming and going, like they were supposed to be enjoying themselves or something.

Seeking to make sure nobody else is getting any sleep, Jordan decides to wake everybody else up. To do this, he decides to do his best Chris Farley impression and performs his interpretation "housekeeeeping!" routine from Tommy Boy. Chris Farley does it well, anybody who is stoned can make it at least sound funny, but Jordan could not say it and be funny at the same time. He eventually wakes Brigitte, and we discover she wears thongs about three sizes too small. After some breakfast the crew piled into the RV where Flavor Flav was ready to get rolling. Dave drove down to San Diego, so Flav said he wanted to drive back, a situation everybody was trying to avoid, considering Flav had his licensed suspended quite a few times. Eventually they said he could drive if he produced his license, which proved impossible because he had left it somewhere else. Flav was upset and decided to shut it down, apparently unable to stand how his roommates wouldn't trust him. I tend to agree that Flav should have been able to drive. It is not impossible to believe that he is properly licensed, and I am sure he has driven the Public Enemy tourbus without any problems, and was probably able to do it while stoned. The RV should have been no problem. Out of all the arguments against Flav driving, Brigitte came ahead saying "It's not personal. For example, I had two beers this morning. If I got behind the wheel, I would get arrested. If Mr. F got behind the wheel with no license, he would be arrested."

The surfing portion of the show was very entertaining, mainly because the chosen surfing mentors, the Willis brothers, were intent on making inane analogies and metaphors about surfing and its relation to life and energy, and everything else you can imagine. It sounded like a couple heavy pot smokers after a couple of rounds at the vaporizer. You know, you find some sort of miraculous energy in everything you see, and take time to absorb the inner wisdom of writings you had previously thought were boring, like the menu for Kung Pao Bistro. After some ramblings about waves and their power, and how rising above the wave's greatness transcended your own greatness or some shit like that, it was time for people to get in the water. Dave and Brigitte dove right in, and after seeing a cute instructor, Ryan Starr had a go. Charro's wrist was sore, so she didn't want to risk and injury that could cost her two or three months of her livelihood, which is a fairly good excuse. I am sure you get some carpal-tunnel after playing the guitar for forty years. This brings us back to the subject of Jordan Knight, who refused to get into the water. Yes, it looked cold, but God, it's not like they didn't have towels and blankets to keep everybody warm. Not only does he suck, he seems to be a huge pussy. To his credit, he did cheer everybody on, but Charro had more enthusiasm when she was cheering (I know, hard to believe), so I guess he still sucks.

The day was coming to an end and everybody was enjoying themselves around the camp fire. Eventually, the conversation turned to feelings about love, which prompted Brigitte to ask Flavor Flav if he meant what he said when he said he loved her. Flav, not one to miss a chance to passive aggressively take a shot at the woman who toyed with his heart, starts saying that he loves her, but like he loves everybody else. He says he is full of love for all people, and so he loves Brigitte. He loves her, but is not in love with her. This whole awkward exchange had the desired effect, and Brigitte yelled "bullshit!" and stormed off to the RV. Now, I am not sure if it was the alcohol talking, but I have a hard time understanding what Brigitte is saying. Earlier in the episode, she is excited that she meets a new boyfriend at every location, but is supposedly hurt when Flavor says he had enough. I wasn't particularly worried, because we all know as soon as her tits are popping out again, Flav will calm down, and as soon as she is drunk enough, she will be hot for him once more.

Posted by at 2:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Well, I haven't seen Lost or Desperate Housewives, so I'm a little behind on my buzzworthy fall shows, but I did catch Kevin Hill last week, and I have to say, I was pretty impressed. This show seems to skew towards the female demographic - Oh dreamy Taye Diggs! - but the truth is that it's got a broad enough appeal for both genders, which means it'll still only play to women. That's okay though. Kevin Hill is well written, well acted, and well shot. Not bad for a UPN show. Yeah, it's familiar territory - a playboy must change his life when he inherits a baby - but at least there's no Ted Danson/Steve Guttenberg/Tom Selleck trio to sully this up. Instead we have affable Taye Diggs who capably anchors this show as a sharp tongued entertainment lawyer now forced to work at an all female firm with his ex-flame. Okay, that's completely contrived, but hey, it works.

I have to admit, I kind of expected this show to underwhelm me. I anticipated all baby all the time. You know what I'm talking about. Incompetent dad holds up baby, baby pees; incompetent dad tries to feed baby, baby spits it back; incompetent dad tries to change baby, baby pees again. Okay, maybe I was just expecting to see "Three Men and a Baby". Nevertheless, the pilot episode featured none of these trite devices. Instead, the baby fell off the couch (ooh!) and passed out on Taye's chest (awww...) and that was about it. Side note: the baby has pierced ears. Am I the only one who thinks that's odd? Or is that normal now?

Anyway, the bulk of the action followed, you guessed it, Kevin Hill - not random baby. Considering this was a one hour pilot, the show covered a lot of ground. The writers could have spent the hour doing all that baby stuff that I expected to see, but instead they introduced a surprisingly large number of characters and plots: Kevin's friends from his old - now rival - law firm, his three new co-workers (including that aforementioned flame), his sassy gay nanny, and even a sexy love interest. Hey, there was even a trial thrown in to boot. Despite all these elements, everything fit together nicely though. There was never a sense that the show had bitten off more than it could chew.

Tonally, Kevin Hill never ambles into the maudlin. The writing and direction remain edgy - or as edgy as a show like this can be - and fun. Yeah, it's familiar territory, but it's amazing how much better this stuff is without David E. Kelly around to futz with it. Famed DJ BT is on hand to supervise the music which is refreshingly youthful in spirit (no Don Henley here) without being pretentious in execution (we're looking at you, OC emo rock). I must admit that Kevin Hill is a solid drama, but for the sake of TVgasm, I really wish there was more for me to make fun of.

I'll be back with commentary in a few weeks after the show has developed its storylines and characters a bit more. Until then, do yourself a favor and watch it.

Posted by at 10:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Is Jeff Zucker running NBC Sports too? That's the only way to explain how the once venerable department has become a total mockery. After seemingly mortgaging the network to carry Olympic telecasts for the next umpteen years, NBC has quietly watched the NFL, the NBA, and Major League Baseball slip away to other networks, and now the AP reports that NBC has lost the Belmont Stakes too. Has it come to this? NBC can't even hold onto horse racing? Exactly what is there left to air on NBC Sports outside of golf, racing and... figure skating? I suppose there's college football, but what happens the other nine months of the year? There's always Pro Croquet or the National Badminton League! Maybe NBC should do some more cross-promotion and introduce Trump Lacrosse.

I guess what annoying about all this is that NBC Sports is actually a pretty solid operation. Watching the NBA in the hands of ABC is a joke. CBS's coverage of football is fine -- if you like annoying commentary and not having instant replays. It's hard to watch a once glorious network completely devolve, but I guess these things happen. And hey, at least it's no ABC.

Posted by at 9:59 AM | Permalink

There are always mixed feelings whenever we embark on new seasons of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge. On the one hand, we have the campy glee of watching these idiots get into the same fights, recycle the same hookups, complain about the same challenges, and vote off the same people season after season. But on the other hand, we feel lame and useless for supporting this growing subculture whose vampirish bloodlust for camera time dwarfs any sense of maturity or self-discretion. Eh, whatever. I'm applying way too much philosophical thought to this mess. Let's just take a look at the preview for this season's Battle of the Sexes 2...

Just like the sneak peak for the Real World Philadelphia cast, various Bunim/Murray graduates returned Monday night to officially weigh in on the next challenge. What MTV keeps forgetting is that half these people lack the wit and nerdy high school experience that fuel the snarkiness over at VH1. Therefore, we had to endure dull commentary by Ellen (Road Rules: The Quest), Mike the Miz (Real World: Back to NY), Theo (Road Rules: Maximum Velocity), Katie (Road Rules: Catfight with Veronica), Tonya (Real World: Kidney Trauma), Mark Long (Road Rules: Very Long Time Ago), Ruthie (Real World: Drunk Driving), Shane (Road Rules: That Uninteresting Gay Guy), Dan (Real World: That Kind of Funny Gay Guy), and Robin (Real World: San Diego Jail).

Apparently the production staff was just as disinterested as we were in these guys's thoughts. That would explain why the audio team didn't bother to show up. Seriously, could they mic these jerks? I mean, I know they don't have anything worthwhile to impart to us, but we might as well hear them instead of the PAs noshing at craft service. This entire special sounded like it was recorded in the cab of a tractor trailer. Of course, the lighting wasn't so hot either. Put this together with the 1992 fonts and this entire show looked like it was public access. For shame, MTV!

Production values aside, this preview did little to whet our appetite for the new season. Not that I won't be watching, but it's just that when we weren't watching Katie and Mike pontificate about their worthless showbiz careers, we were stuck with lame flashbacks of the original Battle of the Sexes. To make matters worse, some idiot producer thought it would be really cool to wash out all the old footage with a swamp green filter that did little except highlight how ghetto this half hour really was. Whatever happened to the good old days of black and white flashbacks? Or sepia? Or even blue and white? But here I go again on the production values.

Anyway, all our kiddos waxed poetically about how nasty the first Battle was, especially the ouster of Rachel. This of course prompted that classic clip of Rachel laughing/crying, "This game is ugly and I don't want any part of it." This was followed by Rachel returning the next season for the Gauntlet where she schemed to remove former teammate Sarah in a humiliating series of events. I guess when Rachel said she didn't want any part of it, she meant normal, mature life.

Sadly, Rachel's hypocrisy is nothing compared to perpetual victim Katie and her masochistic desire for further humiliation. During the preview, she acted all wise and knowing, commenting that the Challenge house would be one big superficial world just simmering with tension. So why sign up again? For someone who constantly voices her hatred for these people, Katie is quick to jump at these contest opportunities. I guess maybe her tough exterior masks a little girl who just wants to be accepted by her peers, even if it means getting completely trampled by them. Or maybe she's just an attention whore. Yeah, I think that's it.

I sort of feel badly for the newbies entering the fray. Yeah, they may be doofuses (Brad and Randy from San Diego) or vacant chatterboxes (Robin, Cameran and Kina from San Diego and Road Rules X-Treme), but they seem like generally nice people who are about a step or two just beyond high school mentality. Unfortunately, by signing up for the Challenge and joining the clique of RW/RR alumni, they willingly sign over their personalities to a catty and dumb lifestyle dominated by the great thinkers that are Mike, Coral, and Veronica.

I must say that what really rubs me the wrong way about all these Bunim/Murray reality stars is how warped their social system is. This is a clique that's run by high school mentality. They all know it, and yet they all continue to act that way. Some of the talking heads - I believe it was Mike and Katie - proudly talked about being "veterans" to the Challenge. They actually think that makes them cool, like being seniors in high school. Of course, in reality, the people that show up season after season for these shows are about as cool as those guys that still wear their varsity football jerseys... when they're 33. Oh, but where would we be without our usual heroes and villains? Who will pass judgment on the newbies? We can't let a wallflower like Sophia get all the attention! Seriously, she's really boring. Please ignore her, MTV.

Finally, after lots of blabbing, we finally got some glimpses of the upcoming season: Robin, who previously made a splash with her trapezoidal cleavage, seems ready to take America by storm with a pea green dress (or is it a nighty?) that will surely become the scorn of many TVgasm posts to come; Cameran looks like she'll be having an icy relationship with Coral, aka the bitter senior girl who gets mad when the senior guys all fawn over the freshman hottie; and lastly, Kina and Derrick will be returning to shower us with their usual thought-provoking dialogue.

Here's a sample:

Kina: You wanna talk about drunk? [pointing at Derrick] There you go.

Derrick: You wanna talk about Frosted Flakes? [pointing at Frosted Flakes] There you go.

Kina: Like I said. Frosted Flakes.

Derrick: Frosted Flakes are good.

Some might dismiss that dialogue as the product of two dim, inarticulate bulbs. I personally think it's a fascinating exercise in Dadaism. Honestly, don't argue with me. I need to intellectually justify why I watch this show. By the way, props to Chris for his stunning work with Derrick's substance abuse.

Nevertheless, it looks to be another engaging, predictable, campy season. Everything looks about the same as when we left it in June, but I did learn a few new things though. Tonya is apparently a slut now. Ruthie's shoulder tattoo looks like an ignored staph infection, and apparently the weight of Robin's breasts, Kina's hair, and Tina's, well, body is enough to break a porch swing. So here's to another season of the Challenge and all the bloodshed that may occur!

Posted by at 10:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

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Posted by at 12:01 PM | Permalink

Last night the PAX network debuted its newest reality show COLD TURKEY in which a group of would be dreamers are duped and bribed into quitting smoking for 3 weeks, while a sexy blonde smokes in front of them.

This if course is the potential lead in to I BET YOU WON’T, the midseason replacement which offers contestants $50,000.00 if they can give up their gambling ways for 3 weeks. Of course after the 1st week they can double their money if they complete a series of challenges or potentially lose it all should they fail. Of course they could double down on the 2nd challenge, or parlay their 1st week’s winnings into a series of mini challenges with financial compensation.

COLD TURKEY continues PAX's dedication to making good natured shows that no one has ever heard of or seen. To be honest, I didn’t even know I had PAX on my line up. It was the UPN of my basic cable...until last night.

In what is potentially going to be the angriest show of the season, 10 people are made to believe they are going on a show which will in essence grant their wish. The elderly single woman believes she is going on a seniors dating show to find love while the cliché gay guy believes he will be designing undies for male models. One woman is somehow made to believe she is going on a reality show to become QUEEN OF AN ISLAND.

Shortly after arriving to the mansion, these duped begin to realize perhaps they aren’t being told the whole truth.

Enter AJ Benza, who you may remember as being that dude who did that thing....you know...that guy....

AJ lets our dupes in on the fact that they are not here for their dreams to be fulfilled. No one will be racing cars. No one will be walking down a red carpet at the Emmy's. And, sadly, no one will be winning a trip to space. By now all the players are very nervous and freaking out. Thankfully they can still turn to their friend...sweet sweet nicotine. That is until AJ lets them know the true premise of the show. Friends and family members have set up all the players as a sort of televised 3 week long intervention. If they are interested in playing they have a few minutes to make a decision and meet AJ by the pool reminding them, "save your questions for outside, meeting me out there ain't gonna kill you but those will." OHHH SNAPS!

Long episode short, each person for variety of reasons agree to participate in the show. One of them adding if only one person quits on the show, that’s one life saved. Which I gotta say kinda puts a damper on my PAX show idea called DIRTY SYRINGE.

I am not sure what is going to happen this season on the show, but one thing is certain.. you get a group of smokers to live in close quarters for 3 weeks competing for their share of tens of thousands of dollars, while they are trying to quit smoking and that is the making for good TV. PAX will be re-airing the pilot, cleverly titled SMOKES ON YOU (you see what they did there), Tuesday October 5, 2004. Check local listings and times.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 3:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It has been just under two weeks since the finale of Big Brother 5, but stalking reality stars is a year-round affair, and TVgasm is always up to the task, whether it be observations from parties, celebrity memorabilia, random information posted on the internet, television guest appearances, or anything in between.

Holly, not content with her previous work has been an enterprising young actress since leaving the Big Brother house. This past week, she appeared in an episode of Nip/Tuck on the FX cable network, popping up for a small segment as "Porn Nurse Kimberly", although they call her Fantasia on screen. She doesn't speak, but has a chance to display some other talents in a role that will "go down" as the best television appearance of anybody from this cast, really "spanking" both of Jase's appearances and is more of a "happy ending" than what Marvin experienced while on The Young and the Restless.

Enjoy all the pictures after the jump.

Click on thumbnails to see larger images.

After Jase played a male stripper, and Holly played a porn actress, is there something about this cast that they are trying to keep a secret?

Posted by at 10:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

After sitting through a good six hours of football today, we here at the TVgasm office couldn't help noticing CBS's increasingly generic promos for its increasingly generic lineup of procedural dramas. Not only do these series seem to have interchangeable storylines (revolving around flashlights it would seem), they also appear to be directed by the same person whose love for bluish/gray filters seems to know no bounds. Never mind that nearly all these shows hail from the same executive producer (Jerry Bruckheimer), and never mind that half these shows are spinoffs (CSI, Jag), and never mind that two thirds of these shows have the letters "C", "S", and "I" used as part of an acronym title. What really annoys us is the complete lack of creativity that starts with the network executives and ends with the cookie cutter promos.

So to prove our point, we've compiled stills from the six promos which aired ad nauseum today during CBS's football broadcast. See if you can match the images to the promo tagline. It's not as obvious as you'd think. (Answers at the bottom of the post)

Cold Case		A. "What CSI finds underground and underwater is nothing compared to what's behind this door!"
CSI		B. Two controversial cases! One new CSI! Who will shake things up???"
CSI: Miami		C. "An underground prison cell, a mummified bride! Now the search for a madman is on!"
CSI: NY		D. "You never know where someone will disappear. Now a secret hidden for years is exposed!"
Navy NCIS		E. "It took a year for detectives to get this suspect in court. But now they'll discover they may have the wrong man. And the killer could still be out there!"
Without A Trace		F. "The only thing more mysterious than the victim's identity, is why he was murdered!"

ANSWERS

How did you do? Someone in my office went 0 for 6.

Posted by at 6:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Looks like we brought home the bacon with our ebay sale of the now famed ceramic pig.

Turns out this pig is almost as valuable than Adams spare-rib. One week after going online the auction block, the pig sold for $401, which is nothing to snout at.

I almost avoided posting this, but I thought, "What the hell, might as well ham it up." That's all I wanted to share. just a quick update article. So I will end it here as to be brisket this post.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 12:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Is it just me or is anybody else out there kind of so-so when it comes to evaluating the current state of Survivor: Vanuatu: Islands of Fire? So far, I lay the blame solely on the casting. After a summer with what I believe were two well-cast shows in The Amazing Race and Big Brother, CBS seemed to have dropped the ball on the grandaddy of the reality shows. Mark Burnett's other big fall production, The Apprentice has a great set of characters that people can't stop talking about, but Survivor has some women with big boobs(I think I was the last person to find out Ami was in Playboy several years back), a guy missing part of the leg, and not too much else right now. At least I can count on the cattiness of the women to get me through another sixty minutes.

Yasur returned from their tribal council a deeply divided team. Eliza had bolted the group to vote off Dolly, and Mia and company were pretty upset. Mia didn't like the way Twila talked about her work ethic, and the next morning the two got into it pretty well. I think Mia believes she has it all, but she was really monumentally stupid at the beginning of the show. Her alliance had just failed to vote off the member they saw as most dangerous, but she was talking like she still had the greatest power in the camp. Even with Eliza trying to call back to the side of the young and the restless pack, at best Mia was in a draw in terms of numbers. The way she was arguing put a target on her back, not to mention was kind was a little suspect, considering Twila was simultaneously sharpening a machete, perhaps to lop of some of that huge ego Mia has been carrying around with her. On top of that, why do you argue about who does the most work with the hardest worker in the tribe? And if I was going to give a suggestion to Mia, it would be try and come with a better argument than "We don't do any work because you have decided to do all the work" and "You just want to play the role of the martyr".

On the other side of the aisle we have Rory. There really isn't a lot to get excited about when it comes to Rory, and any time they mention him on the show it is pretty much the same. Rory goes off and does his own thing, Lea can't stand that he doesn't listen to authority, Rory can't stand being told what to do, and people sit and wonder why Rory wasn't a team player. This time, some people were complaining that Rory wasn't doing enough physical labor and was just going off for walks, to which Rory replies he was looking for food, as evidenced by some fruit he brings back. Case closed, right? Well, not really, because everytime something like this happens, it gives JP, John K, and Brady a little hope that they will eventually be able to snatch one of the old guys alliance away and give the other guys a shot at sticking around.

One little side observation I will make about the show is the truly lackluster quality of shelters they have been making this year. Nobody has suffered the horrible skin conditions like they had on Pearl Islands, but the living conditions, even by Survivor standards, are pretty sparse. It might even give Marl Burnett to try a second twist this year a little different from the first, and by different, I mean something with a shred of intrigue involved. I actually believe that Survivor has had plenty of twists the last few seasons, and the public is probably ready for a season without too many twists.

The first twist this year was to be specter of two tribal councils to contend with, one for each tribe. Each team had to go through yet another obstacle course. Whichever team won fishing gear and the chance to win individual immunity in another competition. Although the men were at first sad to see that Dolly, or Blondie as she was known, was gone, they powered their way through the competition. It wasn't that this competition was unfairly waited for to cater the strengths of the male tribe, the women just really worked poorly together. For the second challenge in a row, Scout proved utterly useless. The second part of the challenge involved throwing a rope with a hook to capture three keys to unlock the way to the final part of the course. Leann and Twila had a very good system going, and it looked like Yasur had a chance to catch up with Lopevi. For some reason, some genius among the Yasur decided Scout would be a great person at this task, even though she was having trouble throwing the hook more than a few feet. When it was apparent that she had no chance at helping, the other members simply watched as the guys made their way through to win the competition. As the women watched, John K won immunity by finding a bunch of ladder pieces in the sand and putting it together before everybody else. About as much suspense as watching The Bridges of Madison County on TNT.

We get another twist as we learn that John K. is going to be part of the Yasur tribe for a day, and when he is through with his own tribal council, he will grant immunity to one of the women. Maybe CBS edited it out, or maybe Brook was the only one with his sights set upon the fairer of teams, but John K didn't really try and chat it up that much with the women, something unbelievable to think of after watching Amazon, where the guys were much more vocal about their designs on the women. That, or maybe the sight of Scout's breasts during the first challenge was enough to suppress any sort of sex drive for an extended period of time. Either way, John went into camp and asked to speak with the people who voted out Dolly. After that conversation, which consisted mostly of Eliza talking nonstop, he went to talk to the other three women, and that conversations consisted of, umm, Eliza talking nonstop.

I couldn't figure out why John divided the women as he did, but he later explained that he wanted to see how the alliances were forming in the other group. A very shrewd move, and everybody at the Lopevi tribal council agreed with me and were really taken aback at the depth of John K.'s thought. You have to think fast on your feet when you're trying to knock Chatsworth's best and brightest off of a mechanical bull. As for the votes, the entire episode was spent on us trying to believe that Rory was a goner because he was a loner. Lea, the clear leader of the older guys, didn't know how he could work with somebody as uninterested in the group as Rory. This meant that Rory had absolutely no chance at being voted out this week. That left it a contest between Brady and JP as to who the senior set would vote out. JP was the big threat week one, so he was voted out. It wasn't a huge surprise and JP took it well, saying he loved the experience. And since there is only one John left in the game, that makes everybody's life easier.

Jeff Probst tried to say something about wanting to keep a strong tribe yet voting off two of your strongest players. Apparently, he thinks he is still on the All Stars season and these guys have to compete with a team that a group of old men can't beat. No, I am not saying men are automatically superior, but I think if I was Lea, Chris, Travis, Rory, and Chad and I would be much more worried about my ability for my fat ass to win immunity after the merge than about losing to Yasur, especially after John brings back news that the women are deeply divided.

At the Yasur tribal council, John K. surprised everybody by giving the immunity to Ami. He said he gave it to the person he thought had the least chance of getting voted out, therefore forcing the group to make a decision on somebody else. Sort of a copout. If I was playing the game, I would have nominated the weakest player to make sure my opponents couldn't add by subtraction. You can probably guess who that would be for me. With Ami now safe, the question and answer portion began, and it started out much like the last one ended, with Mia and Twila going back and forth. Although Twila has said on several occasions "I'll whip the scrawny lil' bitches ass", I think that this whole feud is much more personal with Mia. That's OK though, because there are plenty of earthy women to make everybody feel much better.

After Twila said it was difficult making friends with some of the women because she has always gotten along better with men, Ami stepped up to say something. Maybe I should have been tipped off when she decided to wear a dress to an immunity challenge, but she started saying how maybe this could be a chance for Twila to become more comfortable with her feminine side, and be girlie and cute and let people braid her hair. Obviously this lesbian missed out on the women's studies courses in college where they teach you about how bad gender stereotypes were. Still, it could be genuine, she obviously has no problems letting people see her feminine side. Twila agreed with an awkward laugh, and then the voting began.

Even without all of the pre-vote melodrama, the Yasur tribe decision shaped up to be a good one. Mia, Lisa, Eliza, and Julie were going to vote for Twila, and Scout, Twila, Ami, and Leann were going to vote for Mia, leaving the decision up to some tie-breaker. But something happened on the way to stalemate. The votes were 4-3 for Mia's eviction, and instead of the Twila's name appearing as expected, Mia's name came up, meaning her alliance had once again failed to hold to their votes and somebody had betrayed her again. Eliza's and Julie's shocked expressions did nothing to hide the way Lisa sort of ducked her head after Mia's name was read for the vote off the island.

Mia stayed true to form and blamed Twila right to the end. I'm not sure when she discovered Lisa was the decisive vote, but that must have been a sweet moment. Maybe if Mia and her huge Gollum head had been less bossy in camp, her own teammates would feel less threatened by her and think more about keeping her around. I think Lisa saw that her team would be at a huge disadvantage if they swapped out Twila, who is a 110% in the challenges, for Mia, who has contributed nothing other than some skill at a salt water facial. Either way, it looks like the Yasur tribe is going to be the only one worth watching for at least another week.

Posted by at 12:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)