It's only been about ten days since Maria scowled her way off The Apprentice and already I'm missing her. My life was once complete and logical, but I now find myself asking questions: Where can I find quality high-speed blinking in primetime? Where can I see the latest in leviathan brooch fashion? And who will be my paragon for the academic prowess that is a minor in home economics with a concentration in communications? Luckily, my discomfort was only short lived. With doubts and worries in my head, I set out on a cyber odyssey to find some sort of Maria-ish fulfillment, and much to my pleasure, I found it quite easily. Yes, all the answers to my questions were quaintly available at MariaBoren.com, the pink turd of a website that serves as the de facto shrine to all things Maria. And conveniently, it's brought to us by... Maria! Let's take a look...

Maria has never been known for subtlety, and this remains true for her site which screams "I AM FEMININE AND LOVELY!" with the severity of a football coach for the Nazis. Sorry, had to throw in a Nazi reference. The truth is that even the most seasoned Maria observers will most likely be taken aback by her grinning visage on the main page. It's an awkward image that seems to say both "Why yes, I DO have my resumé" and "Welcome to Bloomingdales!" all at the same time. Maria presides happily over her site, even while a ghoulish monster plant grows on her sternum. Okay, maybe it's not growing per se, but as usual, Maria sports an oversized brooch which appears to be the unholy lovechild of a rosebush and some cabbage.

As the initial shock of the site ebbs away, we slowly come to realize that this corner of cyber space might be nothing more than a shabby application for Lifetime's Intimate Portrait. I mean, when the navigational options are "About Maria", "About Experience", and "About Dreams", we know we're not looking at a Business School portfolio. And while most professional women try to embrace some semblance of looking like, uh, a professional woman, Maria opts to show off a frilly, pink, droopy tutu of sorts. Seriously, she loves this dress. She loves it so much that she even made it her site's wallpaper. Last time I checked, Donald Trump wasn't using a closeup of his slacks for his site's background. Of course, no site could ever be complete without a tagline. Maria's whimsical offering? "Not just an apprentice." That's right. Maria's a FIRED apprentice. Big difference guys.

Anyhoo, the Maria tour must go on; so let's mosey on over to About MARIA. This page brings new sources for mockery. Ever the designer chameleon, Maria now stares us down with a look that seems to say "Hi, I'm a tough business woman, as evidenced by my look which says 'Hi, I'm a tough business woman.'" Buttoned up in a no-nonsense robin's egg suit, Maria looks like she might just strangle herself with a string of pearls, which would be unfortunate because very few people can rock the little boy haircut the way she can. I suppose there's some sort of Boren sybolism going on there. The pearls are like the male chauvinist corporate world, and Maria is caught in the middle, ready to liberate herself with a triumphant battlecry of "GIVE ME SEXY OR GIVE ME DEATH!" Or maybe she just thought the pearls were really pretty.

A blurb to the right describes the journey of Maria:

Maria, like most Americans, is a product of her environment. Having grown up with a driven, full-time working mother that completed her Masters Degree in a city 30 miles from where the family lived with two children under the age of 5 and a father that commuted to the next city for work, Maria & her brother learned what it meant to have a strong work ethic at a very young age.

One thing Maria apparently didn't learn at a very young age: SHORT SENTENCES.

Sigh.

Apparently Maria has taken it upon herself to impart wonderful words of wisdom as to how she got so far in life (ie. fired from a reality show). Her first lesson: One's business life should be about balance. Um, okay. And apparently one's business life should also be about vague notions as well. Maria's second piece of advice is that one's business life should be about "freaking yourself out." So in Maria's case, that would mean sitting on her designer suit for more than ten seconds.

Maria's other daily goals are to

• Learn somthing new
• Look for challenges/opportunities
• Do something that scares her
• Talk to a friend/acquaintance that has a trait she wants to emulate
• Pick the brain of an entrepreneur

In other words, Maria's daily goal is to be the most annoying co-worker EVER.

Now, Maria has a little section devoted to the charities she likes, and even a bastard like me won't tear apart the minutae there, but she did supply a curious story with this section:

"Early one morning just after the Easter holiday, we received a phone call. Unfortunately, this was a call that we hope you and your family never have to receive. Our nephew was playing at a friend's home when he was in an accident involving fire and gasoline. We are happy to report that our nephew, Alex, is a well-adjusted kid with a bright future."

Uh, no offense to Alex or his family, but did we miss something here? You can't just tease us like that, Maria. We want details!!! Fire and gasoline - there's got to be a story. That's like saying "One day my friend was in an accident involving bullets and Estelle Getty. He's fine now though."

Moving on to About Experience, we come to a simple portrait of Maria standing at an angle. Don't you get it? It's her way of saying "I'm experienced, and therefore I stand at an angle." Anyway, there's some boring junk about Maria's accomplishments on the right, but there's also a nifty little link that leads to Maria's business tips. Here are some that I enjoyed:

Practice daily stretching outside your comfort zone. If you need help to do this, ask an entrepreneur for help. Hello, Bill Gates? Yeah, it's B-Side. My comfort zone yoga isn't working. Can you lend a hand? Thanks.

Spend time with a kindergartener--they're still able to think creatively. This rule applies to everyone... except, you know, sex offenders. In other news, Maria's latest company presentation was titled "Spongebob and Doody."

Good leadership is a balance of leading by totalitarianism and democracy. Uh, isn't that a bit of a wide spectrum to fall into? And last time I checked, totalitarianism and democracy didn't really mesh so well. Paging 1934 Germany...

If you're like me, you're probably pretty antsy to skip over all this experience mumbo jumbo and get to the good stuff: Maria's Dreams. Ooooh. As I click on the link, I can practically hear an angelic chorus singing "La la la la la la la". That is until I realize that Maria's dreams probably center around angry pitbulls and dying kittens. Unsurprisingly, Maria's dream page tries to showcase a softer side of our favorite "not control freak". A photo depicts Maria in her frilly pink dress again, clutching herself in a faux-fetal position. You see, when Maria dreams, she tenses into a hunched over ball of fury and projects nightmares into the heads of America's youth. Such is the way of our robotic website hostess.

So what exactly ARE Maria's dreams? Well first, let's just clarify one thing: "Maria lives a fast paced life that typically leaves heads spinning. What dreams does Maria hope to fulfill? See for yourself. If this section does not convince you that Maria is driven---you need glasses!" Oh - why that is HILARious! Whoever wrote that should write for Johnny Carson! In other news, I apparently need glasses.

Anyway, before we actually get to read about these purported dreams, Maria first babbles about being a charming old person at the age of 90 and having gathered a collection of seemingly unrelated degrees - LIKE HOME ECONOMICS???? She then goes on to quote Thoreau (Maria's life is SO Transcendentalist), a move that no doubt left the philosopher turning in his grave: "I spent all that time in the woods for THIS??" Okay, I suppose that would be Thoreau if he were being played by Jackie Mason.

Now let's get to the good stuff. The dreams. After all this babbling about business and the workplace and managing people and Thoreau, Maria reveals that she wishes to spearhead a Fortune 500 company. Oh wait, no, her TOP goal is... "Create a [sic] MG brand clothing line." Cricket cricket... Um, okay. Well, maybe she wants said clothing line to be part of a multi-million dollar corporation? Uh, no. Dream #2: publish a book. And then speak at national seminars about leadership. And then spend a term in politics and then start a not-for-profit and then host SNL and then be a spokesperson or "the Face" for a cosmetics line and then study gourmet cooking in France and then study botany in Hawaii for a summer. I kid you not - this is on her website in that order. This just in: Maria also wants a pony and a magic rainbow bubble wand that runs on starlight.

The best part of all this is that at the very end of the list, Maria writes "--and these go without saying...be a super mother, wife and friend." Oh yeah, THOSE dreams. Maria didn't even give them their own bullet point. Way to tack on family after your Botany classes in Maui! I hope your kids don't get in the way of your photo shoots for Revlon.

Anyway, the rest of the site is pretty humdrum. There's a hokey little schedule of Maria's appearances from the last two months, which I'm sure no one went to, considering the locations were all TBA. You see, Maria's just went somewhere and talked, and it was up to you to find her.

The last section of the site has some generic contact information, and tucked away at the very bottom of the page is a link to Michelle, Maria's tireless assistant. Oh, do I feel sorry for this woman. Interestingly enough, Michelle's shockingly unformatted resume is posted online (Maria - you're assistant is looking for work right under your nose!), and I must say, it's worth taking a look at. It lists no education, no contact info, an informal list of two past employers, and well, not much else. Memo to Maria: why don't you start practicing what you preach with your own apprentice. Wow, I ended this review by bashing a completely innocent bystander. I'm a real jerk. Oh well.

Posted by at 1:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

As many of you may have heard, we purchased a new Tivo for the TVgasm offices, one that lets us record two shows at the same time. This takes care of most of the recording conflicts on TVgasm, and is very useful on Sunday when you want to track a couple of football games at once. We watch a lot of TV, but we don't need two Tivos, so we are selling our older one.

Our Tivo is a Series 2 80 Hour version, and we include all of the accessories that came in the box. It was purchased at Circuit City in May of 2003. If you don't know about Tivo, read more about it here. A new 80 Hour Series 2 costs $300, with a mail-in rebate taking the price down to $200. TVgasm is selling its Tivo for only $100. If you live outside the Los Angeles area, shipping is $25(UPS). As an added bonus, you won't have to wait for your Tivo to start recording to enjoy programs, as our Tivo already has episodes of The Apprentice, Amazing Race, Smallville, Desperate Housewives, Real World, Real World/Road Rules Challenge, Seinfeld, South Park, and many others already on the box.

The Tivo works with cable, DirecTV, and DISH Network. If you have DirecTV, you may also be interested in purchasing our satellite receiver, the Sony SAT-B65. It's not a requirement, but this receiver works very well with Tivo systems, and was purchased specifically because of problems we had with two other brands of DirecTV receivers. The receiver comes with an access card and costs $50 plus $10 shipping.

If you want to buy the TVgasm Tivo, send an e-mail to tivo@tvgasm.com. Preference will be given to people who want to purchase the satellite receiver as well. Pictures of the equipment are available after the jump.

Posted by at 10:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Within minutes of the opening of Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Sexes 2, Bunim/Murray put to rest a debate long standing in the annals of TVgasm history. We had previously wondered if Chris, our favorite god-fearing Road Ruler, was living a secret double life as Paulie, an unidentified member of Friendster who bore a striking resemblance to Chris, and loved pink. Was Chris hiding a secret, or did somebody simply pull a prank on him? It looks like the latter was true, because Chris informed us this week that he was getting married. And the wedding wasn't scheduled until sometime after filming was finished, it was going to be in a couple of days. That's right. Apparently Chris had scheduled his wedding, and then when informed of his chance to score free stuff by appearing on MTV, decided to appear on Battle of the Sexes 2. At least I hope that is the case, because if he scheduled the wedding after he knew when he was going to be away filming episodes, he is just plain dumb.

Chris was on a very tight schedule to get married. He had to drive 5 hours, just to catch a plane that would then take him to San Antonio, which is where his wedding was. After the ceremony he would spend one night of post-matrimonial bliss with his new bride, and then fly back to finish his competition in the challenge. Although he would miss his wife, the chance at the money would mean a lot for when he was trying to start a family, because waiting tables at the Forbidden City is just not going to do it. But before Chris got to leave, the rest of the guys decided to throw him a bachelor party, which of course means there will be stripper. And just in case you were thinking about saving money and having your bachelor party in Santa Fe instead of Vegas or Tahoe, you were snapped back into reality at the sight of the stripper the guys got Chris. Perhaps they didn't want to spend a lot of money because they knew Chris wasn't going to like it, being all pious and such, but if they spent more than $20, I hope they got some change back. Maybe it's just me, but I like my strippers with more boobs, less FUPA.

So, thanks to Chris, the guys actually had some interesting back story, but as always the girls were much more interesting. Katie and Arissa were talking about the game, and in particular how much they wanted to win, but you knew there wasn't going to be a lot of silence with Coral and Veronica still complaining about the ouster of Rachel. Stupid arguments(surprise!) were being thrown around from either side. Veronica and Coral said the team could have used Rachel's strength, and Coral further argued that Rachel's disqualification didn't even make any difference in the outcome of the challenge. If you take it that way, you can argue that Rachel's strength didn't make any differences in the outcomes of any challenges either, since her strength didn't help them win any challenge. The only challenge they won, Ruthie, Robin, and Veronica were at the helm. Katie tried to pass of her vote for Rachel as some sort of greater plan to help others. By getting rid of Rachel, she would give some of the newer people a better chance at winning and breaking alliances, as if that isn't the exact outcome she wanted for herself.

The problem with the RR/RW challenge these days is the complete lack of creativity in any of the challenges. This time, we had another challenge involving bathing suits and the lake. Always looking to be cost conscious, they pulled out the same scaffolding used in the first challenge, but instead of hanging punching bags from it, there were several ropes spaced along either side. One row was for the guys and the other was for the girls. Team members had to swing from the first rope to the last, and the side with the most members making it all the way across would win, with the tiebreaker going to the team who completed the task in less time. As you can imagine, this challenge had no strategy involved, but we are still forced to name leaders, which were Theo, Brad, and Shane for the guys, and Katie, Ibis, and Ruthie for the girls.

Also, I know that "concise" is probably too much of an SAT word for anybody making the show to care about, but why does Jonny Mosely have to read ten pages on air to make sure we know what is going on? Aren't we just about to sit and watch what happens? And do we really need to have names for them? This week's name "SA-wing" (imagine you are Garth Algar saying it), was so very unoriginal, and even though the names do get a bunch of chuckles from our challengers, it's not worth the pain we get as they try their very best to be punny about the naming.

Things started off badly for both teams. Eric Neis, who has been the heart and soul for the guys team through a lot of this season, fell in the water, probably because his jump rope wasn't close enough to him to lend him support. On the girls side, Ruthie was determined to finish, but was taking such an impossibly long time to move from one rope to another that she was holding up the other women, who were left hanging on their ropes with no way to advance. Luckily for the girls, a lot of the men were falling off, so it looked like they still had a fighting chance. In the end, it all came down to Arissa. The girls and guys were tied at five members finishing the challenge, but the girls were way behind with the time, so the only way for them to win was for Arissa to cross. Arissa had previously tried to get off the scaffolding, and down to the ropes, but was so afraid of heights that she couldn't do it at first. While about to begin her second try at the ropes, Arissa decided to give one of those inspirational speeches about being scared but overcoming you fears to take it for the team. It was so inspirational that she fell almost immediately. I think the producers get these people stoked about things, knowing that they will fail half of the time, which will make for better TV. For her transgressions, she ruined her chances of all of her team members winning a Gibson Les Paul Melody Maker, which in turn meant that the guys would have a chance to sell their new guitars on eBay instead.

Before deliberations began, Chris told Theo that he wanted to go home. It turns out that he missed his new wife, and it was more important to get a start on his marriage than winning some money. Once again, a deliberation from the guys that wouldn't have any suspense. During their inner circle (which took place just before nap time), everybody agreed that Chris was going to go. The women also had a fairly normal inner circle. The choice came between Katie and Ruthie. Some argued that Katie didn't do good in challenges, while others countered that Ruthie took so long on the challenge, it might have cost them the win.

In the end, it was Chris and Katie who left. For Katie, she has come a long way. She was bullied in the Gauntlet and got kicked out early, and they tried to do the same in the Inferno, but she made it and survived. Even Coral had some not too backhanded compliments to send her way. Chris was so relieved and exclaimed "I can't wait until I get home" and expressed his love to his wife, which must of made him feel good now that she is watching the show four months after he actually said the words. Congratulations Chris, and here's hoping that your marriage outlives your acting career.

Posted by at 11:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Sometimes, even the best laid plans have a habit of blowing up your face. A lot of fans of Survivor: Vanuatu were almost begging for that to happen with Ami. It's not that her plan is particularly horrible or unfair in itself. Even Ami's biggest critics have to admit that she has taken a simple concept, in this case an all-woman alliance, and taken it farther than anybody could have imagined. As her plan continued in it's successes as the game wore on, Ami quickly went from that hot chick with the huge boobs to the arrogant leader of an annoying band of bitches. After seeing the rest of the men picked off one by one, Chris was going to need either immunity or a bunch of luck to stick around in the game.

Chris started the episode with a slightly different strategy than the last time he left tribal council. Before, he had tried to get the women to trust him by telling them that he voted for Sarge. After Chad was sent home, Chris tried a sort of scorched earth campaign, and decided he would shake things up as much as possible. He immediately began to talk about the plan to get rid of Eliza, and how Ami would be next. He implicated Scout and Twila as the masterminds behind plot, and although Chris believed that he would be causing a lot of dissent, Leann noticed that everything that Chris was saying was obviously for his own benefit.

Still, with the new information about a possible break from the original alliance, there had to be some damage control, an activity in which Ami has excelled all season. She had to do it the previous week when she heard people wanted to take out Eliza. Leann, who has been Ami's right hand all year long and has benefitted from having no pressure on her for her individual performances, started talking to Twila and described her as a "panic player". If you look at it from Leann's perspective, the description fits, as Twila has kind of run around and entertained ideas of all sorts of alliances, but sort of returns to the women at the end, seemingly in fear of the alternative. But if you look at it from Twila's perspective, she has been very pragmatic. I haven't given her enough credit for using her brains in the game, but I think she has sensed for awhile that she was going to have to change some things up.

The reward challenge was a memory test. The tribe members would answer questions about other challenges to gain points. The person with the most points at the end of the game was set to receive a one hour online chat with a family member, thanks to the satellite and PowerBook they had set up on the island for them. Since Jeff isn't the cold-hearted bastard that I am, he even allowed all of the remaining contestants have a sample little conversation with their loved one. Everybody was crying, but Twila could barely contain her emotions. She asked that somebody help her with the typing, because she didn't know how. On cue, Jeff pulled out a video camera, and Twila was the first to have a one minute video conference with her son. Eliza's mom, Scout's partner, Ami's girlfriend(who didn't have implants), LeAnn's best friend, Julie's best friend, and Chris's fiancée all had a nice little chat. And damn, for being on a remote location, the video was quite good. It was almost like they were on the island with them. It turned out that the loved one's were on the island with them. Eliza answered the most questions correctly, but when Jeff was set to announce that she won the video conference, he revealed that they had set up a studio for all of the sample video conferences and that studio was, indeed, on the same island as they were. Eliza's didn't just get to meet with her mom, Susan, for an hour, she got to take her mom home to the Alinta camp and spend the evening with her. Our generous host was kind enough to let all of the losers get a little bit of face to face time with their loved one before they were shipped off the island.

Back at the Alinta camp, Susan gave us a little insight into what the family members of the Survivors must go through when they are away. You know worrying about things like their health, if they floss properly, and whether or not they will catch the Ebola virus. And no, I didn't make that last one up just to be funny, Susan actually said that on camera. Whether it was an actual fear she had, I can't say. I will say that there hasn't been an Ebola outbreak on Vanuatu since NEVER, and so the chances are pretty slim anybody will catch it on their stay. (I lived in The Hot Zone, I should know.) With Susan occupied, the more important business of the day could progress, namely weeding out who had tried to get Eliza, and then Ami, out last week, and what could be done about it.

Having already badgered Twila, Ami and Leann went on to interrogate Scout. Now, Scout was actually the person who tried to muster up the troops for mutiny the week before, but she vehemently denied everything and tried to put the blame back onto Twila, and started getting ornery and flustered about the notion of her trying to go against the alliances. She later admitted that it was all a ruse to do some damage control and that although she had said she wanted to play the game with integrity, all of that went out the window, and she is not going to do whatever it takes to win. Scout did get Leann to admit certain things about her ambitions for the final four, that pretty much validated Scout's reason for trying to break up the group in the first place.

Leann and Ami went back to Twila, and tried to intimidate her once again. I can't be positive how serious they were, because I am sure Scout was more persuasive, but I have no reason to believe that these two would have believed that Twila was capable of coming up with her own plan. Even if I hadn't seen Scout do all the scheming the week before, I would have thought it would have been a little out of Twila's range to scheme as she has been accused. In their second go around on Twila, Leann and Ami were ridiculously obnoxious, or at least even more so than they had been the whole season. They were so bad, even Ya-Ya would have thought them to be a little too high and mighty. After getting Twila to swear that she would stick with their plan, they started discussing it right in front of her like she wasn't there. It was so patronizing, and they did it for no other reason than to display their power in front of Twila in order to get her scared of what might happen. Twila said that they didn't have to be afraid, but once away from them said God would forgive her for lying if she won a million dollars.

Before the immunity challenge, Eliza's mom sped off in a boat, but not before giving her daughter the shirt off of her back, literally. Without any article of clothing that had sleeves, Eliza seemed cold, and so her mom took it off the help her out. After removing her clothes Scout said "Now that's the kind of woman we like here". Thinking about that phrase bombards me with many intriguing but disturbing images of daily life at the camp if Scout really had her way. The separation of mom and daughter was short-lived, however. The immunity challenge brought all of the loved ones back for one more go. Each of the tribe members were to direct their loved ones, who were to be blindfolded, to three bags of puzzle pieces among a field with several obstacles. The first team to collect all of their bags and finish the puzzle would win immunity for the survivor. Chris had earlier learned from Julie (who he called his mole) that the current plan was to get rid of him, so he knew that he would have to win immunity to stay in the game. He tried his hardest, and was screaming orders louder than anybody else once the game got underway. Unfortunately for him, he wasn't part of the best tandem. Ami and her girlfriend retrieved all of the bags and finished the puzzle first. Everybody else was in the fight for their lives it seemed, except LeAnn, who was laughing at all of the silly commands she gave her friend.

Once everybody returned their camp (without their loved ones, Jeff had used all of his tricks), Lisa continued with her bravado, and really started talking up a lot about who deserved to be in the game, and who didn't. For most of the people there, the answer was Eliza. They think she slides by because she has often been the lesser of two evils. Some may argue that Eliza has slid by, but so has pretty much everybody from the original Yasur tribe. Ami did most of the planning and was the one who was kept the plan rolling. Leann hasn't done much, and has proven to be a lightweight in any challenge requiring physical exertion. Julie depended on her bare ass to get her through the tough times, but at least it was a strategy. Scout would have been voted off long ago had Lisa, Mia, or Dolly not tried to do their own thing. Twila works harder than everybody, but has been sneaking through just fine. Eliza might have done less work than some others, but as far as doing things worth to "deserve" being in the hunt, she has done just as well as everybody else. Ami wasn't too fond of the plan, but it seemed like the other women (Scout, Leann, Twila, Julie) were set on it, so she decided to go along. At this point, I believe a lot of the anti-Eliza has been jealousy. She was never on the inside with the group, having been the scraps of the Mia alliance, and she probably talked so much it simply pissed people off. In short, listening to Leann give her reasons for sending Eliza home was like listening to an Alan Keyes stump speech, you want it to be over even before it begins.

Julie, of course, went on to tell Chris about the plan to vote out Eliza. Amazingly enough, he was going to pull off a major upset by sticking around at least another week, and he did absolutely nothing to set the plan into motion other than relying on the cattiness of women to show up and save him. Left to their own devices, the internal rivalries of a group of women will always get them in the end, especially if one of them is younger, better looking, or has bigger boobs. While he was going out to collect wood, Twila was prepared to set into motion an even greater upset. What could be greater than saving Chris? Well, that would be saving Eliza and breaking up Ami's power in one fell swoop. Twila told Chris that he has been sitting on the key to the win for a long time, and he should really think about it. When Chris finally mentioned Eliza, Twila laid out her own plan. Basically, Eliza can't trust anybody, but if Chris wanted to change the game, he can convince Eliza to vote with him, and Twila assured him that Scout was with the idea.

If it wasn't for the overbearing nature of Ami and Leann, I don't think this plan ever would have happened. First, they brow beat Twila and Scout for thinking of other alliances. This was just enough incentive to get Twila to think her crazy thoughts of independence. Second, they were almost openly hostile to Eliza and never respected her, meaning she was going to be open to plans that took them out of power. Third, Chris was in a no-lose situation. Unless the producers started to load up on the physical immunity challenges, it would be harder for him to weasel out of being voted off. To get this whole thing to work, Chris had to convince Eliza that not only was there a plan to vote her off that evening, but that she should go along with him, Twila, and Scout on an entirely new plan.

At tribal council, in one of the biggest surprises since Rupert was voted off, Leann was sent home leaving not only herself, but Ami and Julie shocked. Leann was going home, but Julie and Ami had to live with the fact that they were on the losing end and no longer in the power block. Ami lost her closest ally, and it is going to take a lot for her to remain in the game, because Twila, Scout, Chris, and Eliza all have reasons to want her gone next week. The producers couldn't have picked this one any better, because now everybody is going to be in a mad scramble to stay relevant. Although the center of power has shifted within Alinta, it is a fairly loose combination of people who have no ties to each other except for Scout and Twila. In fact, you can say that most of them have a certain amount of distrust for the others.

In the reunion shows, Leann is certain to complain about being lied right to her face by some of the other women. But if you want to see where Leann went wrong, look no farther than her immunity challenge performance. She admitted during tribal council that she didn't believe it was "a matter of life or death", and once you take that complacent attitude, you are bound to get sent home.

Posted by at 11:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Articles on TVgasm will be light for the rest of the week as we take some time off from our busy work schedule(those of us who work) and do a little traveling during the holiday. B-side will be in New York, while I trudge northward and brave the hippies in and around San Francisco. As for madeyoulaugh, each year he does some peyote towards the early part of the week, and if we don't see him by next Wednesday, we send out a rescue team. We'll keep you updated on that situation.

Our Tivo will be running of course, and if there is anything particularly interesting that happens on any of the programs with new episodes this week, we'll at least think about updating things when we get back. And don't fear, b-side is tirelessly working on his Maria Boren montage for all of you Apprentice fans.

Posted by at 5:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

The story goes, Landon was at a baseball game, got a little too drunk, and when asked to leave, he refused. Then the police advised he leave, and he didn’t. Then the cops tried to escort him out which is when he started to shove the horse the cops were on. A few shoves later and Landon finds himself facing 6 months in prison and $10,000 fine for assaulting a police animal. Fortunately he was deferred to a first offense program which kept him from being forced to be held up in close quarters for great length of time with complete strangers while his entire day is watched and scrutinized.

Come to think of it the only real difference between prison and the Real World is the ass rape....oh well, maybe next season.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 10:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I have decided I am going to start my recap of the latest episode of Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Sexes 2 without the usual complaints about how the men are boring and the women only things keeping the show moving. Then again, I guess by mentioning that I am not going to mention it, I really actually did mention it, which meant I should have simply mentioned it at the beginning in the first place. Oh whatever. Things start off an a high note as Coral and Robin are discussing things over a Slurpee. When I saw Shawn last week with a slurpee, I simply thought the producers had let them off of their compound in order to get something at a 7-11. Even in their secluded spot in Santa Fe, their needs to be a place to get cigarettes, so it wasn't a stretch to see somebody with a slurpee. To my surprise, it turns out the producers had supplied them with a machine to make their own slurpees. I guess they feel that anybody surviving the liver disease they acquired by drinking so much on the show would fall to their deaths from the insular shock(or "too much sugar" to use the parlance of our times) of drinking corn syrup and food coloring all of the time.

What kind of argument happens around a slurpee machine? Well, the kind of argument that Coral likes to start, of course. Coral has become a little leery at all of the independent voices in the house that may not think she is entitled to make it to the end without contention. No, some of her team actually had the guts to think about playing the game fair. This juggernaut going after the Coral included Robin, Ibis, and Aneesa. Katie wanted to stick it to Coral because Coral had Veronica on her side, and she and Katie are pretty much mortal enemies, despite all the talk about them not hating each other. Now, we know that Aneesa, at least from her previous votes is not so much about fairness as she is about keeping with consensus. And Ibis? She also made her decisions based on what would antagonize the least amount of people. This new groups wasn't really all high and mighty, but once a lot the women saw how a couple of people basically conspired to get rid of Angela, they opened their eyes.

I must mention the guys because the producers decided that since the show was in its seventh week, it was OK to clue everybody in on the fact that there were two apparently single gay men on the same Bunim/Murray reality show! Yes, Nick and Shane were happy talking about how it was great having somebody who shared their same experiences around at the same time. Sitting around the table, they got a lot of advice about the struggle for gay rights and indentiy from, uh, Eric Neis? Apparently afraid that they were putting too many gay people on at the same time, the producers left off Dan, perhaps because they wanted to keep the level of discourse up, and not degenerate into what you did after you were caught pleasuring yourself in an adult movie theater. Bunim/Murray is always looking to keep the level of discourse on their shows high. Since nary a word has been mentioned of Nick or Shane during this season, I figured they were setting us up for one of them to go home. But first they had to go about that messy business we have now come to know as "humiliating the girls in every competition possible".

The name of this week's game was "Fill Er Up", and the teams were instructed to wear bathing suits underneath their normal clothes, so things had to be going absolutely CRAZY! Although the challenge didn't involve much strategy, despite Jonny Mosely saying the team leaders would be an important in the game, it was definitely one of the more gross challenges to date. Thankfully my chinese food hadn't arrived yet (oh man, are the TVgasm offices running low on food), so I didn't get sick myself. The teams chose one person to be slathered from head to toe in honey while laying down in a plastic coffin. Once nice and sticky inside the coffin, their teammates would then cover them in several thousand maggots(super worms they call them now) and cockroaches. These cockroaches were like nothing nobody has seen, or at least Ibis has never seen. I found it strange that she was in South America all of that time in that pig sty of an RV and never encountered a roach like she saw during the challenge. Roaches are everywhere in the third world. Some of them carry away kids in the night. That's the reason people use bug nets when in the tropics, not for some silly idea that it will protect against mosquitos carrying malaria.

But wait. THERE'S MORE!

Once their friend was covered in bugs, the rest of the team members would have to use their mouths to pick the bugs off of the honey trap and chew them up enough so that they could spit them through a tube connected to a bucket. The first team to fill their bucket to a certain point won, and anybody using their hands would get a one minute penalty. The men, of course, had little problem picking their leaders, and chose Nick, Frank, and Eric out of a hat. The women had a little problem. Rachel stepped up right away, and Katie felt it was her turn to go up. But something happened. Rachel was recruiting for a third leader and said something to the effect of "Come on, somebody has got to be a leader with Katie before she goes home". Katie knew that something was awry and decided that she wasn't going to be the sacrificial lamb to be eliminated when the girls lose. She immediately backed out, which caught Rachel much consternation. How dare Katie catch on to Rachel's scheme to get rid of her and actually do something about it. After Tonya and Sophia were were chosen to lead, Rachel suddenly realized that without an obvious scapegoat among the leaders, she might have schemed her way straight to elimination. But wouldn't it be a twist if the girls won and Katie was sent home?

Again, there wasn't much to see in this challenge once things got going. The bugs were biting Arissa and Mark, the two chosen to be dipped in honey and covered with bugs, and there was a predictable montage of gross moments with the bugs including plenty of talking about how the bugs tasted gross, and were still moving and what not. Luckily for the guys, Shane is able to boot on command, and threw up immediately in their bucket, giving the guys a distinct advantage. And although the guys had been spending most of the day talking about what it meant to be gay (or at least having it edited into their day), it was Rachel and Sophia showing people how it's done. While most of the women were taking nibbles off of Arissa's shoulder, Rachel made it her mission to dive between Arissa boobs to get some bugs. Then, when the game was done, and Arissa was trying to rid herself of a particularly ummm, eager, cockroach Sophia answered the call of "Get this thing out of my crotch!". I'm not sure why Arissa didn't use her hands, but who really cares.

As we have all come to expect, the women lost. But it seemed close. I am not sure exactly how Jonny decided that one team or the other was finished, but I was glad it was over. Randy got a penalty for the guys, and Rachel got a penalty for the girls, but I am not sure how they would have affected the game since the girls stopped when our host announced they were finished. Maybe they knew there was a penalty on each side, and would have lost anyway, but can you really take that chance? Another win, another strange prize. They must have been desperate for sponsors this year, which explains why they were exiled to New Mexico, because this week the reward was a Tempurpedic Sleep System. Come on! Low rider scooter I understand, Playstation I understand, even the gift certificates to random places like Pottery Barn spinoffs, but a sleep system? What if they already used their Pottery Barn money on a bed? What were they to do then? Who's is going to be the next illustrious sponsor? The Wiz? Sports Chalet?

During deliberations, there was a little bit more intrigue to what the guys were going to do. There were very few players left who had penalties or DQs against them, and the Miz was one of them, once again on the chopping block. You would have thought that he would have been volunteering to lead seeing the success of his team, but that escaped him in the past, and wouldn't have helped him in the latest challenge since the names were picked at random. That decision might have cost the Miz, because he was voted off. Not much of a surprise because he really didn't stand out this season, but at least we got to see him do his Miz voice so all of the "Mizfits" out there had something to look forward to.

On the girls side, things were a little bit more dicey. Sophia hadn't distinguished herself, but somehow the jury decided she couldn't be picked. That left them to deliberate between Rachel and Tonya, which, as you might imagine was one hard fight indeed. Coral wanted to keep Tonya around, but some of the other girls that were never in the power trio of Rachel, Coral, and Veronica, wanted Rachel out, knowing how much she meant to the alliance. When she further explained her choice to pick Rachel, Coral said "I need her in the final mission", which is quite arrogant after you think about it. She just assumed the rest of the women would let her get to the finish. To be honest, that isn't such a crazy thought on her part, since she is in the last group EVERY SINGLE TIME. Coral further tried to get people's minds of Rachel by calling out the idea of alliances in the first place, denying that she, Veronica, and Rachel had an arrangement, and accused Katie and Aneesa of having one.

All of this intimidation wasn't worth much as Rachel was voted off. In her speech on elimination hill, she was very gracious, which came as a great surprise. She made up for all of that by getting back to her normal bitchy self as she was packing to go home. But don't say Rachel didn't make a great impression. She left her bright orange "LESBIAN" t-shirt for Veronica, and warned her about the upcoming fight.

And for you, our dear readers, we leave you with something else. Rachel, we never really liked you. You give lesbians a bad name. Quite honestly, you give skanks and bitches bad names as well. Still, it's not like we can't remember "The Way We Were"

Click on the ugly one to hear a special song.
(You will need iTunes)

Posted by at 1:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

What's more fun than watching a bunch of model wannabes claw for survival in a cramped New York City suite? Watching them claw for survival in tiny Japanese cubby holes! This week's episode of America's Next Top Model took our plucky divas and transported them to the strange and foreign land of Japan where they did their best impersonation of a Sofia Coppola film (and for the record, I thought this show was infinitely more entertaining). Of course, any field trip to Japan would not be complete without a sendoff from UPN's promotional department. No, the women didn't receive complementary Smackdown T-shirts (at least, not yet). Instead they were paid a visit by Taye Diggs, who can presently be seen in Kevin Hill, which - oh by the way - airs directly after America's Next Top Model. Mmmmm.... UPN synergy. In other news, Scott Bakula just finished a stint on "Girlfriends" (he plays Sharif).

Before Taye or Japan could have their way with the ladies, important body-image conerns needed to be addressed. Specifically, Norelle noted that she wanted collagen, or as she calls it: "Colla- colla- collgin?" This declaration jumpstarted a round table discussion about which body parts each girl wanted — thighs, breasts, shoulders, brains. Oh wait, scratch that last one. It should be noted that Yaya only wanted a proper, respectable Kente hat that was NOT made of cheap fabric.

Apparently somewhere along the way Nicole cracked a joke or at least said something because the girls suddenly all marvelled at her personality - as in "Wow, you have a personality!" Nicole then confessed that she likes to keep her personalitly away from the judges because she doesn't want to act like a "tard" in front of the panel. Yeah, why show your personality when you're being judged on, you know, your personality?

Perfectly unafraid to showcase her personality was Yaya, who's made quite the inroads in the Pontification Sciences (or "Pontifi... Pontif... Pont-whaa?" as Norelle would say). "It's easy to sit back and get big headed," Yaya said big headedly. Little did she know that Tyra Banks would be prescribing her an overwrought metaphor to take care of that. But more on that later...

Anyway, the best Tyra mail of all time arrived with a cryptic message that simply read "Prepare to die." YES! The moment we've all been waiting for! Oh wait, it was only a coy tease, not the harbinger of a Tyra Banks slaughterfest. Sigh. The gals all gussied themselves up and headed to what appeared to be a Christian Publications Bookshop. No, seriously. It said that on the sign of the building. Alas, the Big Tent Revival I was momentarily excited for turned out to be a wrinkly acting diva slouched in a chair. Seeing this old bag scowl at the ladies made me wonder if the "prepare to die" note would preface some sort of beat down with pickled herring from Zabars. Instead of a bagel & lox inspired melee though, the woman (Sande Shurin - not related to Sandy Duncan) subjected the would-be models to a method-acting crash course. First they were ordered to close their eyes and access their emotional bodies, an excercise even Sande had to proclaim sounded "airy fairy." Of course, that caused Norelle to open her eyes and squeal "Fairies!! Yay!"

With the Sande Shurin acting seminar underway, the instructor then asked all the models what they saw when they reached their emotional bodies. Amanda burst into tears. Oh my god! Deep memories of sexual abuse? A dead sibling? A lost love? Actually, none of the above. Amanda just saw a rose. Doesn't sound sob-worthy, right? What if I told you it was a rose murdering another rose? Yeah, that's right. Who feels like a jackass now? Nicole meanwhile saw something "inappropriate" and out of embarrassment simply said that she saw nothing. I guess we all know who was thinking about some steamy rose-on-rose action.

All this airy fairy junk wasn't for naught as Sande informed everyone that they would be performing a death scene. Norelle quietly noted "I'm not a good die-er." Was she implying that she's tried before and it just didn't work out for her? Or is she just an idiot. I'll take my chances with the latter.

Anyway, as mentioned, Taye Diggs showed up to read through the death scenes. I couldn't help but feel badly for the guy as he politely smiled through his civic UPN duty. The producers meanwhile cooked up some tricky dialogue with more multi-syllabic words than you could shake a stick at. Was it me, or did this montage play out like the climactic scene in Soapdish?

The models were all fairly terrible in their acting debut. Eva seemed to sniffle decently through her deathbed performance while Nicole sat pert and upright in bed as if she were expecting breakfast. Amanda dazzled all with her stunning French accent (Champs Elysees is not pronounced chaMPs Elises) before she "died", moved her head (spasms?), and then died again. The winner of the contest, however, was the aspiring Angela Basset that we commonly know as Yaya. As everyone groaned their faux-happiness towards Yaya, Tyra Banks descended on the madness dressed in a nurse outfit and brought news that everyone would be going to... Tokyo! This was about as close to Dadaism as UPN gets, people.

Anyway, the gals were particularly excited about their trip to Japan. Ann commented: "From what I understand, it's like New York." True. Except it's Asian and completely different. Norelle, meanwhile, was still grappling with the subtleties of the population: "I don't know what they're called. Japanese people? Or Tokyo-ans?" Norelle then found a dictionary to look it up but found the task too difficult, especially when she realized the dictionary was only a pillow.

On the ride to the airport, Ann, Norelle, and Eva all made a pact to rely on each other to think positively and not be bitchy. In other news, the Kansas City Monitor reports that pigs are flying. Also, the Conrad Twitty tribute has been rescheduled to next month, but that's neither here nor there.

With a new lease on non-bitchy life, the gals all flew thirteen hours to Tokyo where they met Koko Niwa, their annoying Japanese hostess whose participation in the episode was thankfully kept to a mere two minutes. The women were brought to a Japanese shrine where a supermodel-esque monk greeted them. Oh wait, it's Tyra Banks! Apparently this episode was costume time for Tyra. Anyway, she babbled about customs and bowing and yada yada yada. Next thing I knew, she was administering some ancient ritual that probably would have had more significance if it weren't being handled by TYRA BANKS. What's next? Overseeing a bar-mitzvah?

Anyway, the models' next stop was a visit to their hotel which they soon discovered wasn't nearly as comfy as their posh Waldorf Astoria digs. Yes, the ladies were efficiently inserted into a wall of morgue-like capsules, but before Eva could balk too repetitively at the accomodations, the group was off for their photoshoot. Jay Manuel, apparently fresh from a Matrix convention, met the girls and informed them that they would be doing a Campbell's Soup commercial in Japanese. That's sooo 2003 Bill Murray. Eva complained that the director didn't speak English and had the nerve, the NERVE to direct them. Yaya meanwhile relished the challenge. She explained that since she got off the airplane, she's been listening to the locals and has picked up some of the language. That's great Yaya. Let me see if I got this right: you heard some people in the airport and now you can speak Japanese? You do understand that there are other words than "Kunichiwa" and "Sushi", right?

Nevertheless, the ladies all powered through their commercial takes. Eva proved her ineptitude at reading phonetic spellings by stumbling through crazy words like "Campbell's" and "Soup". After her disastrous run, she pouted backstage and confessed that she hopes Norelle bites it. So that "Don't be bitchy!" pact has really worked out well for her.

Afterwards, the group headed back to the hotel where everyone slid into their cubbyholes and prepared for a good night's sleep. Norelle admitted that she felt like a kitten in her capsule, which was cute, but made absolutely no sense. She even meowed for emphasis - you know, just in case by "kitty" we thought she meant armadillo.

At long last, "panel" arrived. Yaya said in an interview that if she gets eliminated, she's gonna need to have a talk with the judges. Was that a threat? Maybe she'll beat them with her oversized bangles and rampant self-righteousness. You know, Yaya is so that girl in college who gets a B+ and then pesters the professor until her grade is eventually bumped up to A- simply out of atrition. Even worse, she's the type that then throws it in your face. Shut up Yaya and your history papers.

Whoa, tangent. Anyway, the girls headed to the relocated panel where they had to eat a bizarre Japanese treat as part of a faux commercial. Most of the girls did an okay job at hiding their disgust, but of course Yaya (damn you Yaya!) didn't even deign to eat the morsel. A no-nonsense Tyra insisted that Yaya eat the product, which she did... and then promptly spat out in a bowl. It was bad enough that Yaya had over-acted her way through the fake commercial to the point where everyone wanted to collectively sucker punch her in the face, but then she spat out the food too?? Dunh dunh dunh!!! Cue the slo-mo instant replay in BLACK AND WHITE!

The judges were not happy. Janice in particular looked completely shocked, but that's because spitting is a foreign concept to her. Believe me, she swallows everything. As the shock resided, the panel went to work critiquing the models. Amazingly, they were all impressed with Ann and Norelle, the latter of which earned a very Marla Gibbs-ish "Chiiiiiild!" from Tyra. After surveying Amanda, Eva, Norelle, Yaya, and Ann, Tyra excused everyone from the room. But wait! What about Nicole? Who? Oh, I thought that was a production assistant lurking around. Turns out that Tyra full on forgot about Nicole. Better yet, this was the second time this episode that happened. Sande Shurin had nearly forgotten to evaluate Nicole's performance at the acting studio as well. I would have mentioned it earlier, but... I forgot. Seriously. Oh the ironies of a TVgasm post!

After the deliberations, Tyra assembled all the women and read the usual instructions: "Whoever isn't called must go to the hotel, pack your belongings and... DIE." Okay, actually what she really said was "leave immediately" but I can interpret that however I want. Tyra slimmed the group down to Nicole and Yaya, ultimately cutting the clearly forgettable Nicole. That's not to say that Yaya was completely off the hook. Oh no. Tyra had a real (and very rehearsed) gem of a dis for her: "I suggest you go to the nearest bakery in Japan and order the biggest slice of humble pie." kaBOOM! That's right Yaya. You best be getting to a bakery! And make sure it serves up ironically titled pastries because this supermodel ain't takin' no mo' attitude from you, ya hear? And makes sure it's the biggest slice possible because if it's slightly smaller, then you have to eat a whole other humble pie to make you think about the first humble pie.

Update: Yaya informed TVgasm that she in fact sought out humble pie, but she did not approve of the ingredients and felt that it would be a compromise to her personality and her self-worth to eat the aforementioned biggest slice possible.

Anyway, the show ended with Nicole weeping her goodbyes and gathering her belongings. We then saw a sorrowful shot of her walking down a street with her small luggage rolling behind her. Nice knowing you Nicole. Good luck getting back to America!

Posted by at 6:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Is it curtains for Marissa Cooper? Has Newport's favorite drunkard swigged from her last "I'm an alcoholic" flask? Possibly. According to a British publication - they're so reliable! - Mischa Barton has expressed interest in leaving The OC in order to follow her heart. No, she won't be pursuing a career in not eating. Instead, she wishes to work in film, a medium where her greatest impact so far has been vomitting in The Sixth Sense.

According to UK website, Female First, Mischa explains, "I'm going back to film. It could go against me to be in a long-running show." Also going against her: lack of talent.

Good luck Mischa!

Posted by at 11:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

As the appearant humor is fading fast for Obnoxious Boss on the Fox Network, it has opened a slew of emails from you our readers asking for less recap of the show, and more horror stories of terror bosses. From getting arrested for your bosses drugs, to delivering breastmilk, being a subordinate could sometimes suck harder than any one of the Battle Of The Sexes 2 girls after a drink and a camera.

This past week we at the Gasm were flooded with stories of horrible bosses, several of which will be going up in future posts. But todays story has a nice celebrity twist thanks to G.R. from Tucson, AZ for sending this in, and thanks to IMDB for breaking the story.

Before the jump, I warn you this link has an older woman leaping atop a younger impressionable supbordinate, lip to lip girl on girl biting and screaming...mmmmm....ok just read the damn thing...I suggest imagine Barry White reading this to you and it goes from bad boss story, to kinda hot...

"Naomi Campbell's former personal assistant is seeking legal action after claiming she was violently attacked by the supermodel two weeks ago. In an exclusive interview with British newspaper The News Of The World, personal assistant Amie Castaldo alleges the 34-year-old-model hit her in the face, bit her on the lip and yanked her to the floor screaming: "You f***ing worthless bitch," when she tried to quit her job. Castoldo - who has reportedly had medical treatment for the back injuries suffered in the incident - is now taking legal action against her former boss. Castoldo says, "There is no end to the humiliation I suffered. She 100 percent needs to get help." Police have now filed a report on the incident which allegedly occurred at Campbell's penthouse apartment in New York. Campbell's spokesperson denies the model lashed out, saying, "It became clear after a few days that Amie was not going to work out. Naomi ended the brief working relationship in a professional manner and wishes Amie the best." Six years ago, the beauty was sentenced to attend anger-management classes after striking her personal assistant Georgina Galanis with a mobile phone, and is currently being sued for assault by former assistant Simone Craig."

Frankly when I discuss what an ass my old boss was, it never got this good.

Thanks again for all the horrific and tragic nightmare boss stories. Keep them coming into madeyoulaugh@tvgasm.com to be featured in the next Obnoxious Boss column.

Anonymity guarenteed.

So Peter Hendrix, from Albany, New York the story of your boss, Charlie, sleeping with your wife, Karen, in the bathroom of THE WIZ, I promise anonymity and tact when I cover that story.

FIN

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 11:22 AM | Permalink

By Michelle Collins

Previously on Desperate Housewives: Secrets! More secrets! Notes discovered. Affairs uncovered. Drugs consumed. Everything I expect from the show that follow Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

This week’s episode opens up with not one, but TWO clichés! You see, it’s all about “keeping up with the Jones’.” Bree is the seemingly perfect housewife, with the perfect lawn to prove it. And no matter how hard Bree’s unfortunately dressed neighbor Mrs. Huber tries, her lawn never lives up to her neighbor’s standards. Because, you see mindless America: The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence! (Please, don’t kill the messenger. Sigh, yet a third cliché, and now it’s my fault.) A man in mid-jog rolls up to Mrs. Huber’s lawn gasping for air (prompting her to ask him if he would “like a slurp from my hose” shudder), and he immediately drops dead. So Mrs. Huber did what any normal, underdeveloped character actor would do on a primetime soap opera: She wheelbarrows his corpse over to Bree’s lawn, and dumps his sweaty ass onto her hydrangeas. Because don’t you get it? They are just that desperate (housewives)!

The next scene opens with a shot of Flaubert’s Madame Bovary (about a, you guessed it, desperate housewife! Thanks, college education!) It’s a meeting of the Wisteria Lane Book Club, where we are met with a montage of all the seedy wheelings and dealings going on behind closed doors (drugs, divorce, affairs, and for Susan, a date.) But how can these ladies get any reading done when their lives are barreling out of control? I find it hard to believe these women can even make time for a bowel movement with all the other crap they have to deal with.

Susan, Lynette, Bree and Gabrielle sequester themselves to discuss more details on Mary Alice’s mysterious suicide. Susan tells them that her daughter, Julie, snuck into the mental hospital that young Zack is staying in to get some details. He told her that something happened to a girl named “Dana” and that “he could never talk about it.” No one knows who Dana is, but they figure she is related to the suicidal secret.

Next we find Mary Alice’s suspicious widow Paul speaking with Mr. Shaw, the Private Dick he hired to solve the mystery of his wife’s suicide. He holds the famous note, written on a sheet of lavender paper, while the detective goes into some pulpy analysis. The blackmailer will be someone Paul knows, and Dick-Shaw warns him that “Sometimes Evil Drives a Minivan”, which I initial capped because it sounds like the tag line to the most hilarious horror movie ever.

Lynette’s house is cleaner than ever! Because she’s so hopped up on Ritalin! As she busily scrubs through the formica layer of her countertop, her husband asks her if she would be able to throw a formal dinner party in two days for some co-worker’s, so that he can pitch them his advertising ideas. But two days! That’s not enough time! Then her husband drops the ol’ Bree Van De Camp bomb, as in “BVDC does it all the time.” Tune changing! Dinner party! Sure! Great! I love dinner, I love parties! I can do that! I can do anything! Wait!! I’m out of drugs!

Sweet lord, that yard boy! It’s times like this that I get very angry that I live in New York, and hence have no yard that needs tending to. Maybe I could hire some young hardbody to clean my airshaft – pun intended, people!

OK, focusing. So we see the yard boy John gallivanting shirtless (sweat bead), when he gets a call from Gabrielle who wants to meet up with him later for a sexy tryst. Only he has a date with Danielle, Bree’s daughter -- God forbid, someone his age! -- says no, and pulls a clamshell with his cellie (snap!). Mama Solis watches him from the porch, one eyebrow permanently in the upright position. Mama then heads upstairs and redials the last number from Gabrielle’s cellphone. When Jack picks up, we hear a click. A click of adulterated judgment.

Rex and Bree Van De Kamp meet with their son Andrew’s principal to discuss his recent violent behavior. They explain that he is just acting out due to their marital problems. Then Rex is all “I’m filing for a divorce” and a fight breaks out. Bree says he better have a good attorney cause when she’s done, he won’t have a cent to his name. Rex says “Bring it on!” I pray to God he’ll whip out his spirit stick and wave his spirit hands, a la Kirsten Dunst in the movie of the same name, but alas he does not.

Susan has a date with Mike, and gets ready with her daughter Julie in the room. Julie asks her Mom if she’ll bring protection (awkward!). We then see that not only is she bringing protection, she will in fact be wearing it, in the form of a red latex dress (or maybe it’s sheepskin.). Good thinking, Susan! You never know when the mood will strike.

Mike, looking smart, hears a knock at the door. It’s not Susan, but an altogether different skank named Kendra.

On her way to Mike’s abode, Susan stops to show off her full length condom dress for Edie, and to also shove her date with Mike in Edie’s face. Feeling smug, Susan knocks on Mike’s door, only to learn that Mike can’t make the date due to his “unexpected houseguest” Kendra. Speak of the devil, Kendra literally explodes through the doorway to go get her things, while poor Susan looks on from the porch, dejected. Mike swears there is nothing between them, that they’re just old friends. He’ll make it up to her, he swears. Susan, head hung low, returns to her house. Edie wants to know “How was the big date?” Cattiness ensues.

Edie is selling Paul’s house following Mary Alice’s suicide. She tells him that he is legally bound to disclose his wife’s suicide in the house. Paul asks is there’s any way to get around it. No, there isn’t. Edie has to go, but accidentally leaves her folder at Paul’s house. Paul opens the folder up to discover a sheet of lavender paper! Edie wrote the cryptic note! Bone chilling.

Out on a Juicy Coutoure jog, Gabrielle stops her teenage rival Danielle and offers to sponsor her to attend a modeling school in far away New York, which will also conveniently get her out of town so that yardboy Jack can be all hers. Danielle smiles – she would love to! Gabrielle, woman with the heart of old... I mean gold.

Lynette needs Ritalin stat! She accosts a fellow suburban mom in the park, like only a serious drug addict can, looking for some more drugs. The fellow mom/druggie is all out. But Lynette needs her drugs!

The Van De Kamp family needs to talk. Around a huge corporate conference table, it looks like. They break the news: They are getting divorced. Danielle combs her hair looking bored. Their troubled son, whose real name is Andrew, but let’s call him oh, I don’t know Douchebag”, wants to live with his Dad. Bree looks hurt. She leaves.

Kendra looks over Mike’s undercover research, and is disappointed with his work. She encourages him to quit, that he’s wasting his time and her father’s money. She’s sick of her father chasing ghosts, and wants him to drop the investigation so she can have her father back. Mike refuses. Kendra tells Mike that he’s lying to his girlfriend about being a neighborly plumber. Mike exits the scene dramatically.

Susan searches through her garage looking for a hotplate to give Lynette, who looks completely disheveled and crazy. Through the search, Susan uncovers an old yellow baby’s blanket with the name “Dana” embroidered into it. She bought it at Paul Young’s garage sale! Dana was a baby… a baby with a horrible secret.

Rex, looking for some post-divorce favoritism, buys his son a car and foots the bill for his daughter’s future as a failed model (along with Gabrielle’s sponsorship.) But Bree didn’t approve any of this. She tells her kids that they can’t accept the gifts, end of story. Rex, unrelenting, hands his son the keys while him and Bree face off in an Evil Staring Contest.

Bree storms over to Gabrielle’s house and demands answers. Did she offer to help sponsor Danielle? Gabrielle hems and haws. Gorgeous yardboy John overhears the entire thing (Really, their lawn isn’t even THAT big, and yet he is always over. The husband is a fool, a fool!) John is shocked at Gabrielle’s evil craftiness to send Danielle away from him and quits everything, his job and her. He’s through! After one last night of break-up sex, that is. Sigh, teenagers. Lurking Mama, of course, sees all.

Lynette needs drugs! Really badly! Gaunt faced, she sits with another Mom who admits her son “Timmy” is on ADHD meds. Lynette hotfoots it to the woman’s bathroom and throws open the medicine cabinet. Ahh, sweet sweet mercy! Drugs! She pops one in her mouth and about 40 in her pocket.

Paul shows Detective Shaw the matching lavender paper, and DickShaw agrees they’ve found their woman. Should they get the police involved? That’s not an option for Paul, i.e. The Man With Many Troubling Secrets. We then learn that this so-called “Detective” is also a murder-for-hire man. (Aren’t they all, ladies?) Paul says, and I quote, “Sigh of relief.”

Don’t screw with Bree Van De Kamp. Her kids roll up to their lawn to find that all of their things have been laid out, Clean Sweep style. Either they give their luxury gifts back to Dad, or they move out of their house. The daughter agrees to the terms, and gets the keys to the newly installed lock. She is waaaay to smart to model. Lil’ Douchebag, on the other hand, peaces out in his brand new Mustang Convertible.

Mike and Kendra head over to an open house at Paul’s, where he tells her that they will be going to “The Saddle Ranch” for drinks, because that was the last place Kendra’s sister was seen. Edie, greeting visitors, mishears this plan, and (convinced they are having sex) graciously tells nearby Susan about Mike and Kendra’s “sordid” nighttime date. When Susan scoffs at Edie’s insinuation, Edie says she “just wants to slap and shake [her].” As would every straight man in America.

The Saddle Club. A mechanical bull. Rednecks. Country music. Susan and Edie sit together watching Mike and Kendra and waiting for the sexual fireworks. Susan claims that they’re crazy, and makes to leave. Mike sees Susan. Susan plays dumb. The setting for this scene begins to make sense when we see Edie expertly riding the mechanical bull in the background. Mike demands answers. Was Susan following him? No! Susan was there to ride the bull, see-through cashmere cardigan and all! She enters the ring, but before we can see Susan’s cowgirl abilities, she gets knocked out cold by the bucking bronco.

Andrew (i.e. Douchebag) arrives at his father’s motel and delivers the good news: He can live with his Dad now! Rex panics and refuses, telling his son that he must live by his mother’s rules, because living with him is an impossibility. Doors slam. Andrew gets in his new car and calls a friend: He needs to drink, because he can’t “kiss his mother’s ass” when he’s sober. Douchebag 1, Common Sense 0.

Fruit tartlets are arranged on a plate, as we hear phony corporate laughter in the background. It’s the big dinner party, and poor Lynette looks wiped. Her husband whips out his genius idea: to advertise their product on the sides of shopping carts. Yawn. Strung-out Lynette pipes in from the kitchen with a better idea: What about dry cleaning bags instead? The corporate cronies love it. Cutting to her husband’s face, we hear a cash register ring, and two Loony Tunes-esque “No Sale” signs pop-up where his eyes should be.

Susan applies some ice to her bull-induced bruise, and Mike introduces her to Kendra, again, emphasizing the “friends and nothing more” relationship. Kendra’s leaving tomorrow. But while Mike heads off to get more ice, Kendra warns Susan to be weary of him, and to ask why he moved to Wisteria Lane. Mike returns and hands Susan some ice, and Susan hands it right back, but in attitude form. All the while, Dick-Shaw enters the bar, and takes a seat next to a tipsy Edie.

We learn some intimate secrets about Gabrielle and Jack’s love life, namely that they have sex with their underwear on (thanks again, FCC!). Gabrielle assumes that her husband and Mama Solis are out together. But Mama, knowing of her daughter-in-law’s slutty plans, barges in on some heavy petting and snaps an incriminating snapshot of the two.

Jack throws his pants on and chases after Mama. He needs that camera! Gabrielle calmly gets up to pack her things. The jig is up. Jack grabs Mama and tries to get the camera, and Mama Solis seriously kicks his ass. It becomes obvious that in between spying and lurking, Mama takes a Krav Maga class every now and again.

Mama Solis and her tiny legs run out of the house and onto the street and -- Oh my God -- she gets hit by a car! The car speeds away and leaves Mama sprawled lifeless in the middle of the street. Gabrielle sends Jack home and runs to Mama’s body. A witness, probably out robbing houses judging by his attire, is instructed to call 911. Gabrielle takes the camera and puts it in her robe.

A car pulls into a driveway with a broken headlight. But it’s not just any car. It’s drunk Andrew’s car.

A camera spirals down onto Mama Solis’ lifeless body, while Mary Alice summarizes everyone’s problems in voiceover form. Tom is angry at Lynette’s drug-induced idea spouting, and making him look bad in front of his co-workers. He is a jealous man, and for good reason. His wife is clearly smarter than he is. He looks in her eyes and suspects something is wrong, but when sirens approach, she avoids the topic and runs outside.

Bree stands over Mama, and tells Lynette she has to run home for a minute. Her son stands in the kitchen, drunk and in complete, teary shock. “Mama?” he says. Gasp. She knows. Bree calls Paul and tells him to come home, cause they have a clean-up job to take care of.

Final Montage: Susan is confused, Edie and Dick-Shaw do shots, Mama is gurneyed, Lynette looks longingly at some pills. Paul drives the incriminating car (or what I like to call it, “Kirby, the Death-Stang”) into the garage. Bree wrings her hands. And the garage door closes on another fabulous episode.

Next week: Lies! Secrets! And one Desperate Housewife will be gone. forever.

Posted by at 12:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

How in the hell does one extricate themselves from the kind of predicament we see that Chad and Chris, the last men remaining, have found themselves on Survivor? The way to go about it is surely not the moronic way these two and the Lopevi that have went before them have tried. As antagonistic as Rory was for some, he at least had the ability to think things through ahead of time. Unfortunately for him, Chad, Chris, and at the time Sarge, were unable to secure votes that had been promised to them. Sarge left unceremoniously and almost without a fight. This week, it looks like the guys got lucky. Scout is starting to get testy about Eliza's presence, and annoyed at Ami's power, a combination that could buy these guys another shot in the game. At least as long as everybody was able to execute part of the plan.

My first doubts about the guy's chances came about two minutes into the episode. Chris made it a point that everybody knew that he voted for Sarge to leave. For his part, Chris was not a liar, as he actually did vote for Sarge. He thought that by announcing his vote for Sarge, he would get in closer with the women. It's largely a losing proposition, but at least he was thinking outside of the box, correct? Well, I would say yes, except that Chris didn't actually have to vote for Sarge just so he could tell people that he voted for him later. He could have lied about voting for Sarge, which would have beneficial to him. Secondly, he's acting as if the women are all stupid and would all buy into his ruse without any second thoughts about his true intentions. With his delusions of grandeur, you think he would be next in line to become leader of North Korea.

So, Chris is an idiot, but it takes two to make a thing go right. He still doesn't have numbers, and so he needs to reach out and convince some women that they have an incentive to go against their original plans of an all woman alliance. It would be much easier for them if somebody from the woman's alliance broke ranks and tried to pull them into an alternate plan. Luckily for Chad and Chris, Scout was quite unhappy with how things had transpired since the merge. With Julie back in the fold, Scout's place in the tribe has been taken down a few notches. Plus, Scout can't stand Eliza, probably because Eliza is young, hot, and her nipples still point up. Scout's plan was to convince the women that Eliza is worthless and they should get of her first before worrying about the men. After Eliza was gone, she, Twila, Chad and Chris would become the new majority voting bloc and take out Ami, Leann, and Julie as they saw fit.

With all of that to chew on, Alinta went to the reward challenge. Two teams were randomly selected with Chad, Chris, Ami, and Eliza on one team, and Scout, Twila, Julie, and Leann on the other. One person from each team was connected to a rope by a ring, and the other team members had to pull this "sacrificial lamb", as Jeff called them, through a series of obstacles. Basically, the rope was wrapped around a bunch of posts about twenty feet apart, each requiring a different method to get the lamb through the course. The person attached to the rope had their hands bound, adding a little bit more difficulty to the challenge. I'm sure it will surprise nobody to learn that Scout's team lost, considering she has been on the losing end of more challenges than anybody else in the game. Considering the strength differences between the teams, I was surprised at how close it actually was.

The reward, as has been the theme this year, had a lot to do with Vanuatu itself. I am not sure if Burnett or Les Moonves has bought some shares in Vanuatu hotels, but a lot of the rewards seem like subsidies for the tourism board. The winning team was to take part in a ceremonial feast on a remote part of the islands, ensuring them a once in a lifetime experience. Ami saud "I don't think we could have gone any further to get away from civilization." To tell you the truth, they probably could have been farther away from civilization, since wherever they went had a paved runway for their airplane nearby. Sure they had to drive out into the bush, but if you can get somewhere using only vehicles that run on gasoline you aren't THAT remote.

We finally found out that the pig was supposed to be an offering of sorts, a kind of gift for hospitality. When Chad gave the villagers the pig, the villagers gave them a pig back. Even at the remote reaches of the earth, societies have learned the art of re-gifting, except our Survivors didn't want the pig back. I would not have liked to be the person to have told Twila they let a pig go without a fight. Everybody first witnessed a ceremonial dance and chant, and everybody seemed to enjoy it very much. The dancing was only a precursor to the main part of the evening, which was the kava ceremony. This kava was a little more potent than the last time the guys had a chance to do some kava. If Chad was ever in a fraternity, he must have had a hard time. He was unable to stand on his own after the Kava, and had to pass out right away. I wonder if any of the young prankster village kids thought of writing "douchebag" (or tha vanuatu equivalent) on his forehead with a Sharpie. Not, that I am encouraging that sort of behavior when your friends pass out from drinking too much. And apparently, this particular Vanuatu tribe has no problem letting the women drink the kava, unlike the chauvinistic tribe involved in the opening ceremony. Maybe they received sensitivity training since that first day (which probably went along with the modesty training, since all the women had shirts on, even the adolescents. I'm not saying this village wasn't legit, or even staged, but if these people were so far from civilization, they wouldn't be so western with those attitudes. I'm just saying.

The rest of the evening didn't really blow anybody away. The feast wasn't really a huge spread, but more of a bunch of not so pulled beef, which turned out to be far from tender, and not much else. Ami was really excited to see all of the children, and reminded us about it quite often. Things back at the other tribe were not quite peachy keen. There was a torrential downpour, which must have come as a surprise for these people living in a RAINFOREST. Scout was pissed, and Leann nearly went crazy. They were all simply trying to keep the fire going, and their miserable night translated into an opportunity for Scout to work on her plan. She started saying it would be easier for them to keep the fire going and collect wood if the guys were around for a while longer. Now everybody knows that I don't think very highly of Scout as a player, and her attempts at implementing her new plan showed what I meant. She said she didn't think Julie and Leann being in the final four was right, because they haven't done anything. That is a grievance that Twila might have had, but Scout has not distinguished herself in this game at all. She started talking about evicting Eliza like it was a done deal. Julie and Twila nodded their heads as if they approved, but were non-committal. Leann heard about it, and you could tell that she was not pleased with this change. She was going to report back to Ami, and we all know what Ami does with dissidents - she's stamps them out like the Khmer Rouge.

When everybody came back, the people who had to stay at the Alinta camp were almost pissed to see the others return. Ami sensed something right away when Julie wouldn't look her in the eye. Scout went to report her success of recruiting others into her plan to get rid of Eliza to Chad and Chris, and the guys were pleased with how things were going, but it was all predicated on Scout and her standing with the rest of the women. Basically, it meant that Scout was somehow going to outplay Ami to secure the votes of the women. That's not a bet I would be willing to risk my status in the game. Again, Chris was pleased at what he thought was some awesome reverse psychology that got the women to switch their thinking. "You open up your heart to a woman, show her you're vulnerable, she'll start thinking with her heart. And that's when they'll open up that back door". I guess Chris has experience with getting at that back door. Here I was thinking it required a nice dinner and some KY.

The immunity challenge was an endurance challenge that required everybody to hold on to a wooden post as well long as they could. The post had grooves about every two feet, and every other groove had rope in it, giving each tribe member a chance to get a different kind of grip on it. Julie, Chris, and Scout were the first to go. I was surprised that Chris let go so soon, considering the best way to stick in the game is still to win immunity, and not depending on the voting habits of others. It came down to battle of will between Chad and Twila. Twila looked like she was having trouble early, but managed to hold on, and actually climb up farther onto the pole. Chad eventually relented, with Twila egging him on. If you can say one thing about Twila, it is that she has a will to win, like no other person in the game right now, although Ami is close. She seems to get stumped at some of the mental challenges, but I am not sure who is going to beat her in an endurance challenge from here on out.

With immunity taken care of, the discussion was free to get back to who was leaving. Were they going to stay with Ami's all estrogen all the time plan, or would they go with Scout's new Eliza free plan? I am certain that Ami saw through Scout's veiled attempt at keeping the guy's to do work around the camp. The way she tried to convince people that the original plan was the one they should stick with was actually quite masterful. As much as a I think Ami has been a little cocky in the game, she has a good sense of when things aren't going her way, and when she has to nip things in the bud. The guys really left too much of the work up to Scout. They did try and reassure Twila and some of the others, but what they should have done was stick next to Ami and prevent her from getting to the other women, because she is very persuasive.

At tribal council, there were a few interesting comments, but none was more revealing than when Scout looked at Chad and Christ and said she has discussed many ways of getting to the end of the game, and then said "I think the guys have talked to everybody." This statement brought a chorus of denials from the rest of the women. After Twila did the old "you can't trust anybody speech", Ami countered saying it was bullshit and "there are people I can trust, and I can be trusted". She can say this with confidence, knowing all of the people who trust her with their nonfat half-caff vanilla lattes each morning. As the votes were read, Chad was sent home, once again bringing home the point that Scout is not the person to pin your hopes upon. How do I know this? In the end, even Scout did not have the guts to stick with her plan and vote for Eliza. If you can't stick with your own plan, even if it is the losing one, you are not going to be able to take control of the game.

A lot of people are going to be upset with the outcome because once again, Ami showed that everybody else is powerless to stop her. Still, I don't think things are such a slam dunk for her to win the entire game, although I give her huge props for being able to play the mental game the way she does. The immunity challenges are going to be a big factor, and if the women are successful and vote off Chris in one of the next two weeks, the remaining players will all have about the same chance at winning immunity, although Scout is going to be handicapped at anything physical, and Leann seems to get tired with a lot of swimming. So there is hope everybody. I'm not sure if she can make it through, but at this point, I am hoping that Twila can pull it off and make it to the end.

Posted by at 7:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Wow. I'm spent. Forgive me for the fatigue, but I'm still reeling from an hour of fantastic Maria moments on last night's The Apprentice. There was so much good stuff coming from Maria alone that I could simply write a laundry list of her quotes and be done with my post for the week. Oh but what's the fun in that? Don't you worry though. My weekend project is to compile this Maria-tastic episode into a convenient clip that all the TVgasm readers can enjoy for time eternal. In the meantime, let's take a stroll down memory lane and relive the final days of Hitler — I mean, Maria.

The show kicked off with some gritty footage taken on the streets of Manhattan. Instead of the usual Walk/Don't Walk montages, we were treated to a lovely shot of a homeless person trudging across the mean streets with a shopping cart full of trash. We then cut to the comfy, nourished, non-tuberculosis plagued loft of The Apprentice where the greatest hardship is not having enough time to stare at the diamonds won last week. As usual, the group gathered around the kitchen, trying to guess who'd been voted off and for once, they were right: Chris. Looking tired and bedraggled, Kevin and Ivana ambled into the apartment where they were greeted warmly. Kelly went so far as to say "Yo, bro" to Kevin. That was his way of saying "I can talk to black people, my black person friend."

As the group gabbed about the boardroom, Ivana commented to the camera that Jen had slipped by yet again because of her pretty looks and general "fembot" demeanor. Upon hearing the word "fembot", resident cyborg Maria set out to destroy her rival robot, but soon dropped the mission when she heard there was a sale on basketball-sized brooches.

The next morning, chronic early bird Rhona sent the teams down to the Levi's Showroom on 39th street. I was momentarily nauseous as the cameras swirled around mannequins and placards to dizzying effect. Please make it stop. Trump soon arrived and greeted the teams, an event that caused Maria to adopt an "I will smolder the competition!" stare-down of her foes. With their two person lead over Apex, Mosaic was ordered to send a member to the other side. This resulted in a Family Feud style huddle, and when Wes emerged with an answer, I was somewhat surprised he didn't say "Tube socks!!" Instead, he surrendered his strongest player Kelly to the opposition, a move that when we surveyed 100 people, zero recommended it. I'm still on the Family Feud thing. Just go with it.

With the new teams in place, Trump announced that this week's challenge would be to create an in-store catalogue for Levi's. He then added that he's been wearing Levi's ever since he was a kid, and "I'm still wearing them today." Pause for laughter. Seriously, that was a joke. We then cut to the applicants who let out a polite collective laugh. Ah yes, the art of ass kissing.

The teams all zipped off to brainstorm, providing Kevin the perfect opportunity to talk about how much everyone on his team loves him. We then saw an image of him smiling to reaffirm that yes, Kevin is the bestest! In a surprisingly rare moment, Ivana came through with a great idea for a "fit wheel" which was sort of like a color wheel, but for jeans. Jen had trouble visualizing this idea, causing her to remark "I don't get why I don't understand how this works." It's quite simple, Jen: you're a moron.

Over at Mosaic, Wes was doling out responsibilities. He singled out Maria by saying that the project would excel "with your expertise in this." To which Maria responded: "My 'expertise'? I have a minor in Home Economics with a concentration on public speaking. That's not expertise. That's LIFEBLOOD!" Okay, actually, Maria didn't say that. Instead she informed people that she'd be pushing them out of their comfort zones. Actually, I think every time she's in the room, they're out of their comfort zones. Hmmm... maybe she just meant that she'd be forcing them to wear oversized flowers on their lapels.

We cut to commercial, and when we returned, Donald babbled about the importance of never losing your cool. That means no insane eyelash fluttering, Maria. Over at Apex, the crew had a jolly old time slipping into the Levi's and modeling for their catalogue. Things were less ebullient at Mosaic as Frau Maria quickly took over the photo shoot. "I need for her bra not to show!" she barked at the models, who were about as excited to listen to Maria as they were to eat food. Side note: someone MUST get Maria and Janice Dickinson to collaborate on a project.

Anyway, Maria donned her aluminum foil jacket of power and ordered the models to be "Bitchy bitchy, bitchy!" Honestly, she only meant to say it once, but her hard drive had a glitch. Lame duck project manager Wes stood around, quietly trying to stop the Maria train wreck with a series of "Um..." and "Well..." comments. His favorite technique was general silence though. At one point either he or Andy tried to intervene actively, thus attracting Das Wrath of Maria. "Don't get in my face. I understand. BACK OFF!" she seethed at her non foil-wrapped associates.

"When my finger touches you, you will DIE!"

As everyone wondered how to stop the Category F-5 tornado that was Maria, she besieged the models again and implored them to "GIVE ME BITCHY OR GIVE ME DEATH!" Wow. She really said that. Somewhere up in heaven, Patrick Henry kicked himself: "Dammit, that's way better than my stupid 'liberty' version!"

Later, after the traumatized - and sexy, don't forget sexy - models left, Maria holed herself into an office with a graphic designer and assembled the catalogue. Oh, and as just a reminder, Wes in fact was still the project manager. Sandy poked her head in the office to see how the project was going, an inquiry simply unacceptable for the MariaBot. I believe her exact words were: "Your request has timed out." Followed by: "Sandy, you have performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. If the problem persists, I will kill you."

After being given the stonewall by Maria, Sandy retreated to her team where she effectively bitched about the situation. Project manager Wes finally decided to put an end to this circus by... nodding his head and biting his thumbnail. Listen, it was a really good circus. I wouldn't have stopped it either. Anyway, Maria finally waltzed into the conference room where she engaged in an apparently 30 minute spat (I would like to see this footage in its entirety) with Sandy. In an interview, Maria stated: "It angers me to be called a control freak because quite frankly, I'm not!" And that's an order! Anyone who thinks otherwise will be exterminated.

In an effort to control her, uh, control freak image, Maria extended an insincere apology to Sandy, patronizingly saying "I will never dismiss you from a room again." No, instead she'll douse her colossal flower brooch with chloroform and gag Sandy into a deep slumber. With a temporary peace finally setting in on Team Mosaic, Maria pulled out the world's smallest violin and said "Just know that you have broken me down when all I wanted was to give you something to rip apart." Maria then hauled in a cross and pinned herself to it. She just wanted to give them something to rip apart! You know, like Sandy's heart.

Meanwhile, over at Apex, Ivana was rocking the competition with a series of solid design ideas for the catalogue. Her disdain for Jen continued to mount, noting that "with every task, she [Jen] gets more blonde and blonde." Unfortunately, Ivana said that right in front of Carolyn, who's - oh yeah - blonde. In other news, Ivana reports that her foot does taste quite good. Around this time, project manager Kevin (or "PM" as suave Wes calls it) decided everything was under control; so he flung his large, random man-purse over his shoulder and strutted out. For some reason, I think it would have been wildly apt for him to say "IIIII'm going to JC Penny!"

Eventually, it was time for the groups to present. The Donald called Rhona from his limo to have her cancel all his meetings for the day - he was heading to Levi's. So wait. This wasn't in the books already? That's poor TV hosting. Anyway, while Trump made his way through midtown traffic, the teams began their presentations. Mosaic went up first - inexplicably not wearing Levi's Jeans for the occasion. Wes kicked off the pitch, asking the President of Levi's: "What if the Jeans could talk? What kind of story would the jeans tell of the person who's wearing them?" Uh, according to Maria, that would be "GIVE ME BITCHY OR GIVE ME DEATH!!!!!!"

Speaking of Maria, she soon took over the presentation with that high-octane eye fluttering that got her demoted on QVC. When asked why the team went for a provocative look in one photo, Maria responded, "If being sexy is wrong, I don't want to be right!" Uh, bad news Maria. You're "right".

Next up was Apex, which kicked off its presentation with Kevin talking under what must have been some sort of an industrial heat lamp. He couldn't have been pitching for more than five minutes, but by the time that was up, he had gone from being as cool as a cucumber to a sweaty, dripping mess. Something tells me this look was not on Ivana's "fit wheel."

Speaking of the "fit wheel," scandal broke out on Apex when Jen suddenly stepped up and seemed to take all credit for Ivana's rotating brainchild. For once taking the high, non-shrill road, Ivana bit her tongu, but unfortunately for her, when Trump finally showed up (with Milania AND a porno twang on the soundtrack), the president of Levi's noted that Jen had done the best job of the group. I full on expected Ivana to claim that "No, I actually was the genius behind this all," but after the "Why you so NASTY???" put down from The Donald, Ivana was on her best behavior. The Levi's people unsurprisingly gave the victory to Apex who won a chance to meet Donald Trump's very good friend, Billy Joel. And no, The Piano Man would NOT be providing transportation to this event.

Kevin, Kelly, Jen, and Ivana headed over to the theater of Broadway hit/abomination, "Moving Out" where they met Billy Joel. "Billy Joel's music speaks to everyone," commented Kelly. Yes, it speaks to everyone, and by "everyone," I mean middle-aged housewives in Syosset. Later Billy Joel spoke about taking risks, you know, like appearing on national television and singing your classic tunes off key. But I shouldn't complain. This reward was a considerable step up from the Denise Rich Experience that the unlucky Mosaic Corporation enjoyed two weeks ago.

Meanwhile, back at the loft, the pre-boardroom strategizing was at full speed. Maria took a hard anti-Wes stance, noting that he had no plan, no foresight, no strategy for the mission — which was all fairly true. She then established that all these issues were "not a Maria problem!" Wow, the MariaBot talked about herself in the third person. Is there anything she CAN'T do?? Actually, yes. She apparently has no restraint with the Bedazzler as evidenced by the return of the gemstone-tastic blazer in the boardroom. While the sparkly outfit was quintessential Maria, there was nary a monster brooch in sight, which raised concerns about how well she could fare without her floral wall of defense.

Well, Maria didn't fare very well in the boardroom at all. She was reduced to saying "Buh-buh-buh-buh" à la Judge Judy before launching into a barrage of snappy, poorly executed remarks. "It's killing me that everyone's talking about me except for me!" she scoffed. Wow, that was a lovely nonsensical remark, and actually, you just talked about you. She then went on to yap about her assets and Wes's shortcomings, but instead of seeming like a qualified candidate logically defending herself, Maria simply sounded like an angry woman whose Starbucks order had been screwed up. I practically expected her to bellow: "I said latté with skim, dammit!"

While Maria scowled and glowered, Wes floundered helplessly in front of the panel as well, even incurring the lethal wrath of Carolyn. I couldn't settle on which person I thought would be fired; so imagine my surprise when Donald fired Sandy! Actually no, he didn't do that. Instead he dropped the ax on Maria... AND Wes! Booyah! That was some good boardroom! Carolyn and Donald chuckled afterwards at what an easy decision it was, but that wasn't nearly as entertaining as watching Wes and Maria take the most awkward elevator ride EVER. Wes tried his best to avoid all eye contact with Maria whose frown seemed to say "NO COMMENT, DAMMIT!"

Well, at least they wouldn't have to share the same taxi, right? Wrong. The two somberly piled into a cab of shame, and when we returned from commercial break, Wes tried to put a positive spin on the experience while Maria simply directed her "DIE! DIE! DIE!" face out the window. She spat out a few diplomatic word before slipping in the passive aggressive comment: "I've never been fired..." That's great Maria. We'll miss you, your sharp ensembles, your passive aggression, and your Nazi face. And with that, consider your robot model DISCONTINUED.

This is really awkward without a big flower...

Posted by at 4:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (30)

After two episodes used mainly for clearing up some of the loose ends from last season, The OC was ready prepare us for what's in store for the season ahead. Although the new school year meant plenty of anticipation for the students, all of the characters have been affected in their own way. If there was one person who had failed to temper their expectations about their return from vacation, it has been Seth Cohen. He ran away from Newport because he couldn't imagine how his life would be without his closest friend, but now that he is back he realizes that he might have to imagine his life without the person who quite possibly cared about him the most. Seth was so worried about how he would feel, he never fully understood what he was doing to everybody else.

Seth has come to the realization that he must change. Specifically, he must learn to put the feelings of others ahead of his own. If he was sincere about changing, it might actually work, but since his motive is really a selfish one to get Summer to love him once again, you know shit is going to happen. First on his list of ways to change is to do something for Summer and Zach. You see, if she could see how generous he was, she would be his friend, and if they were friends, they would spend time with each other, and if that happened, they would be back together in no time. To show his philanthropic side, Seth decides that he is going to spring for some tickets to see "The Walkmen" in the upcoming weekend. Uh-oh, I smell a Rooney-like episode coming on. B-side tells me that The Walkmen are an indie band and assuming that their indie cred was at 100% of the beginning of the show, we deduct 12% points of indie cred for this lame attempt at publicity. More on that later.

After letting Ryan in on his master plan, Seth goes off to class, and when Ryan turns around, he spills his iced coffee (my preferred mode of coffee consumption as well) all over a girl standing right behind him. To make matters worse, when he turns around after getting her some napkins, he manages to elbow her in the face, and she drops everything in her purse, including her tampons. This might have been a bad experience for both of them, but it was absolutely horrific for the girl, as she was new. And not only was she new, but she was poor, driving up in an old car that was the envy of no one except for Ryan and Seth, who still don't have a car to schlep around in.

Breakfast at the Cohen household has a decidedly different sort of feeling. Sandy just got back from springing Caleb from lockup, and they are discussing having him step down from his position as CEO of the Newport Group and appointing the position to Kirsten, who runs most of the operations anyway. Just as they are about to get back to business, Julie Cooper shows up, fresh from her spa weekend, saying she pulled herself out of her seaweed wrap as soon as she got the news. Julie has already lost one husband to scandal, she's not about to lose another one on the same scandal, especially since there is nobody older and richer than Caleb for her to marry after it is all said and done. Everybody is talking about Caleb could lose everything and everybody would be in ruins. Well, that may be true for the Nichol-Cooper union, because Julie isn't going to be making any money while Caleb is doing his nickel, but Sandy Cohen is still a successful lawyer, it's not like his family can't live off of those scraps until Kirsten picks up the pieces.

Back at school, Summer and Marissa are discussing a few things. Summer has been trying to let on that she is not that interested in Zach, and admits to Marissa that she is not completely over Seth, no matter what he does. Still, she is planning on introducing Zach to her father, which, you will remember, was a complete disaster in the making when she tried with Cohen. Zach is "Newport's Prince William" she said, and she was happy to have him. I am a cynical guy by nature, but you have to admit that Zach is just a little too perfect (read: mature) for anybody on this show. Is it possible that he is just a psycho, waiting to snap like Oliver? After all, what's good for Marissa is good for Summer. If he dressed a little bit better, I would even suggest that he is gay, and Summer is just his beard.

If you were a little slow processing your information, the new girl is somehow going to affect some of the characters of the show, and since Ryan also came from humble beginnings, he is the one to most likely fill that spot. Our hunches are right on, and when Ryan gets to AP physics class, the only seat left in the place is right next to the girl he elbowed, and just so he can make his point clear, he hits her in the back of the head with his bag. It was an accident, of course, but it does a good job at setting up the inevitable. No not gratuitous use of agent's names during roll call, but that Ryan and the new girl, who we learn is named Lindsay will become friends. But before you are friends you get to be lab partners. At this point, I am trying to decide how long it is going to be before these two are kissing. You would think that the writers would try and stretch this romance out for a a little while, but this is the OC, so expect something to happen within the next two weeks.

Seth is on his way to pick up some tickets for the show, but finds out the show is sold out, and the only way to score any tickets would be to get a job at the venue. And since it was a little late for somebody to come around and make flyers, the only job available was that of janitor/bar back/ door man. Seth is more than determined to show just how far he will go, so he signs up to clean bathrooms in order to win Summer back show Summer how he can just be friends. How about that? Ryan is now a huge nerd, taking every AP class in the school, and Seth must resort to manual labor. It's an irony lost on nobody, especially the writers, who as always feel it necessary to make it plainly obvious to all of us viewers.

The first day as lab partners, and Ryan learns what LIndsay really thinks of him. She is so worried about Ryan dragging her down, ruining her grades, and spoiling her dreams of attending Harvard, Yale, and Princeton, that she finishes the lab report before Ryan has any input. To me, this seems like the perfect lab partner. She's smart, and doesn't mind doing your work. She's also cute, so if you get bored in class, she is always close enough to steal a glance or two at her ass as the teacher drones on. So what if you only get a 2 on AP physics, at least you will get to enjoy some of your year. This will not do for Ryan, he is much too righteous to let such an injustice stand, so he actually narcs on himself for not doing any work on the paper. To teach everybody the lesson of how important collaboration and teamwork is with science, the teacher assigns another lab report to the tempestuous couple. Our Ryan, the genius.

Seth's second day at work goes a little better. He learns that his boss is only just seventeen, yet another dropout from high school whose parents didn't want her. God there are so many of them in this place, you would think it would be more destitute. She hands over the tickets, and Seth is happy to take them, but not before warning him that his master plan may not go as he planned. He takes them over to Summer's house and tries to make good. He says he just wants to be friends, and she takes his gesture in good faith. It was a pretty uneventful scene, but the writers once again take the time to remind us how great their show is by putting little hidden things that we aren't supposed to catch. When Seth arrived at Summer's, she was watching "The Valley", a parody show appearing on the OC last season that made fun of The OC, although not as well as we do here. In the background you could here, the valley people talking about a pregnancy, as if we weren't going to be able to place two and two together. I guess it is better than the alternative, which would be having her say something like "Oh I was watching the DVD of The Watchmen opening for Death Cab for Cutie at the Wiltern", but maybe the producers were feeling the Rooney backlash already.

Marissa is on her father's boat(after spending the night to get away from her mom), and we can see that Jimmy is on the market once again. He let himself go when he knew that Haley would be waking up to him every morning, but decides to shave, because no self-respecting woman in her late-twenties would sleep with an unshaven day trader. Julie comes to pick up Marissa, and while Marissa is getting her stuff, she reminisces with her old husband about the days past, and wonders allowed "How did all of this happen". That rhetorical is way too easy and Jimmy smashes it out of the park when he says it's because she always married for money. She tries to deny it, and they go off on a little tangent about what went on when they were young. It turns out they weren't the happy love birds we were led to believe before last season, but they basically got married because Julie was pregnant with Marissa. This would have been a great chance for Marissa to stumble in on the conversation, and go ballistic when she hears the details. And it would have been the perfect excuse for her to start drinking again.

The second day for our lab partners is pretty much like the first. Lindsay says that she needs to keep up her grades for her scholarship, and is not here to make friends. She just can't fall back on her parents if things go wrong. This inevitably leads to Ryan telling her about his growing up in Chino, and how he is really just like her. They begrudgingly decide to meet during the weekend, and go over each other's lab reports. Now if I was in Lindsay's position, I would welcome a lab partner who actually felt like doing some work, even if you were happy to fly solo. Linsdsay is cute, although she could be a hottie if she let her hair down a little bit, showed a little cleavage, and worse some denim that properly framed her ass. I am guessing that Ryan will either ask her to homecoming, or rescue her at a homecoming party where somebody is trying to take advantage of her because it will obviously be her first time drinking. Odds are 5-2 in favor of the second scenario. There is also the possible scenario that Ryan will get Lindsay pregnant, and he will have to move in with her in Silver Lake.

As Summer is getting ready for The Walkmen concert later that night, Zach asks her how she got the tickets. When she said it was a gift from Seth, it automatically sets of the warning signs in his head, and he tells her that she should go alone, talk to Seth and work things out. If she decides she is still in love with Seth, he would be happy for the time they spent together. If it wasn't to be, he'll understand. All of this talk is almost too mature for Summer to process, but she thanks him and decides to go to the concert alone. Honestly, if I were Zach at this point, Seth would have already met the business half of a titanium driver. He is almost too calm. What guy would take losing a hottie like Summer in stride and chalk it up basically to bad luck? This is unfathomable.

At the Cohen house, Caleb is ready to make his big announcement. Remember all of that stuff I said about Sandy still working at a law firm? Well, it turns out he got fired because the partners didn't want to take Caleb on as a client because of his character. Well, I am not sure what kind of fantasy people work at the law firms in the OC, but every law firm I know of would have been salivating at all of the billable hours they would be able to charge for everything pertaining to this case. All of the experts, all of the testimony, it would have been a gold mine. To make everybody's day just a little bit brighter, he drops the bomb that he is giving Julie the title of CEO. Kirsten is obviously upset, but apparently Caleb has decided that his wedding vows are now important and he doesn't want to lose his family, as roughly made up as it may be. He is also worried that he will be too poor to marry another women who i s 30 years younger than he is. Kirsten is obviously upset, and is thinking about quitting after her father's ultimate betrayal, but Caleb soon lets her know that he is promoting her to CFO. She will be in charge of the money, and he says that the CFO will be the power center, and Julie will only be a figurehead.

Seth is working the door at the concert, another complete break from any sense of reality. There are enough guys 6'4" and 300 lbs around this area that you begin to fall over them. Maybe it is an Indie rock thing. [Note, now that The Walkmen have actually appeared on the show and are apparently doing a set, b-side knocks their indie cred down to 43%]. Summer eventually shows up,and Seth takes the time to show her to her seat and chat a little bit. All of that time without sex has really turned Seth into the Seth Cohen of old, and not only is he incapable of decent small talk, but he also misinterprets a moment of understanding they reach and tries to kiss her. He quickly realizes his mistake, but not before she storms outside and home [While all of this was happening, The Walkmen started a second song in their set, putting them at 30% legitimacy on our very scientific scale. Just like the conversation Ryan and Marissa had, they start to realize that maybe they may never be just friends with each other.

The next day with Ryan off to school to meet Lindsay, Seth finds he is without anybody to listen to his problems. He decides to try with Marissa, but they end up talking more about where they can see Summer and Ryan. It's a nice little scene with Seth and Marissa alone, a combination never that prevalent last season. Marissa tells Seth that Summer is at the country club, and Seth tells her that Ryan is doing homework at the school. Both revelations inevitably lead to a couple of awkward encounters. Seth hits the country club in shirt and tie, but when he enters, he sees that Summer, her dad, and Zach are all the table. He realizes that he isn't going to be able to win Summer back with his conventional ways, and he may never get her back. Marissa is about to walk in on Ryan and Lindsay, but the two of them, although just having met, start their flirting, and Marissa sees that she is not the sole object of Ryan's desire any longer. But give her props for not pulling out a bottle of vodka right then and there.

Marissa and Seth appear on a bench at the pier, now officially the loneliest people in Newport.

ADDENDUM:

We all know how much the writers love to use "Hey!" in The OC, so we will make sure to keep all of you updated just in case you wonder about those sort of things. In the future, we'll have a nice little counter to display, but for now, just take the text version.

"Hey!" Count: Episode - 8, Season Total - 18

Posted by at 2:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Hey, are you an actor? Are you represented by the Endeavor Agency in Los Angeles? Are you wondering why your agent hasn't been returning your calls? Well, have we got the answer for you! Turns out that your agent might be taking AP Physics in The OC!

Yes, in another feat of cutesy in-joking, The OC managed to give minor shout outs to its agency friends during tonight's episode as a physics teacher named Ari Greenburg (our "favorite physics teacher" no less) asked if students Adriana Alberghetti and Phil Raskind were in attendance. Turns out that Ari Greenburg, Adriana Alberghetti, and Phil Raskind are all agents at Endeavor, which I now suspect packages the show.

Not ranking in the OC popularity contest though was Endeavor's Patrick Whitesell, the agent for sometimes TVgasm friend Ben McKenzie. Ouch. I won't make fun of Endeavor though because if they ever decided to take me on as a client, I too would be giving them sneaky props.

Oh, and because I couldn't find any pictures of The OC-worthy agents, I just put up this horrifying (and possibly fake) image of a giant shark jumping out of the water. Yes, I like my metaphors obvious.

Posted by at 11:57 PM | Permalink

Throughout the history of Smallville, the writers have chosen to give us a fairly sympathetic view into the pathology of Lex Luthor. He didn't just pop out of the womb a crazed killer and mortal enemy to Superman. Thanks to his father, he had a pretty difficult home life, ranging from being blamed for his mother's death to being committed to a mental institution for knowing too much information. The meteor shower turned him into a hairless freak, and he helped secure a conviction for his father when he found out his father killed his grandparents. Oh, did I mention that his father also tried to kill him as well? To top it all off, dear old dad was prepared to switch bodies and have his son spend the time in prison dying of a diseased liver. I think you get the point.

To Lex's credit, he has at least tried to separate himself from his father's legacy. He has been very generous to the town of Smallville and its residents. Still, I wouldn't actually call him all that well adjusted. Lex is always paranoid and thinks people are out to get him. His best friend is a boy from the high school, although that boy did save his life, but I would have to guess that he lives a lonely existence. A fairly young bachelor with at the helm of a Fortune 500 company, what does he do in his spare time?

Some of that spare time is spent in Metropolis where he attends various black tie affairs, like the one used for the opening of this last episode. Everybody is dressed is in their tuxes and evening gowns, but the one girl that attracts Lex's eye is somebody wearing a red dress. In this kind of setting, that can mean only one thing to me - prostitute. Everybody is dressed similarly, but one woman stands out among the crowd with her eyes on the richest guy in the place? It's like walking into a Vegas casino at three in the morning. Everybody in the place is a happily pulling away at slot machines, or hitting the blackjack tables, happily spending their retirement money or their kids' college fund. But then you notice some woman in a blue sequined miniskirt, then about an hour later, you see her at another casino. You just know something is out of place. So when Lex started ambling towards this woman in a red dress, I figured that this girl would get him in trouble somehow.

Well, things started out OK, Lex met the girl and she said that "names don't matter". I was thinking that she had to be a Platinum Escort, but what kind of escort brings an mp3 player along with her and listens to British club music on the job? Lex got this girl to his hotel, enjoyed a little nookie in the elevator, and then a whole lot more nookie once they were in his hotel room. Seemed like a great evening, and in the morning we saw the aftermath where the woman's dress was still on the floor, and Lex was sleeping in the bed. But when housekeeping came, and the maid screamed, we pan over to a bloody body lying next to Lex. Now the lesson of the story for all of you kids out there is that when you decide to bring a stranger home to your hotel, leave the little "Do Not Disturb" sign hanging on the outside. That way, you won't be caught in a compromising position (like reverse cowgirl) or with a dead woman in your bed.

Lex has the best lawyer money can buy, so he gets out on $5 million dollars bail, and returns to his mansion in Smallville. The lawyer, Corinne Hartford, is apparently a badass, and tells him the generic lawyer for any rich person accused of murder in a television show. We know the person isn't guilty but the lawyer is always like "I'm not here because I think you are innocent, but I will get you off the hook". Lex may have the best lawyer money can buy, but he also has Clark Kent on the case, so if he is guilty, there is no way he is staying out of jail. Clark listens to Lex tell the story of how he didn't know the woman, but that these one night stands weren't a common occurrence.

Although Clark seemed to believe Lex's story, he goes to see another person to ask some questions about the case. That person is not Chloe, or his parents, but Lionel Luthor, he of the switched bodies and the trying to kill everybody all the time Luthors. Lionel tries to tell Clark that he is a changed man, that he woke up in the middle of a prison riot with a changed perspective and a healed liver. He shows no signs of remembering the body switch, but Clark takes no chances by refusing to shake his hand lest any more body switching artifacts are hidden anywhere. He tells Clark that Lex has patterns, and that he would never drive the woman to his hotel, but would always have the girl drive herself. Therefore, he can avoid a lot of messy conversation driving the woman home the next day, which sounds like a great idea when you think of the logistics. It would also mean that the police might be searching the wrong place for the woman's car, and would miss her identity.

With this information, Clark does a search for the woman at the Torch offices. He is having problems searching for the DMV information, but luckily Chloe walks in to help. Clark mentions how he thinks Lionel has changed, and Chloe reminds him that he can't be trusted. She should know, since she had to fake her own death just to be able to testify against him. Chloe also shows Clark a newspaper story about the many conquests of Lex Luthor. Apparently, Lex has a penchant for one night stands, and then leaving the woman with nothing to show. They find the name of the woman is Eve Andrews, and so Clark heads to Metropolis to check her out. When Clark gets to the house, he sees Eve has been stalking Lex, with pictures and newspaper clippings all over the place. While that adds some intrigue to the story, it's nothing compared to seeing Lex burning the evidence in the sink. Just as they are about to have that awkward "why are you burning evidence" discussion, we hear sirens and Lex begs Clark to get him out of there. Clark helps him out of his little problem, but is now very skeptical of Lex. Lex lied to him about all the women he had sex with, and was trying to destroy evidence, how can Clark trust him?

Back at the Torch, Chloe shows Clark some security videotape from the night of the murder. The video shows that Lex is getting it on with a woman and she appears to only have one earring on. This is strange, because the woman found dead in Lex's bed had two earrings on. This, along with the fact that the cops didn't find the mp3 player the woman had at the opera in Lex's hotel room would lead one to believe that he had sex with one woman, but a different one ended up in his bed. Since he apparently humps any warm body that he can find, he wasn't able to tell the difference between the two. Chloe and Clark then go to the hotel and start looking inside the elevator. Chloe, doing her best Crossing Jordan impersonation, says that they should re-enact the scene where Clark and the other girl were in the elevator. They slam up against one side, and then the other, and this closeness has them looking at each other for a long time. Just as they are about to kiss, the door opens and a woman and her two kids are just sitting there and watching, instantly killing all the sexual tension.

With their focus back on the earring, Chloe says that perhaps it fell down through the seam on the elevator floor. Clark uses his x-ray vision to look down forty flights or so, and as one might expect, the earring is in fact there. Clark takes the earring back to Lionel, and he tells Clark that the woman must be an ex-lover. When he was younger and he slept with a woman, Lionel said he used a courier to deliver a pair of diamond earrings to the woman the next day so the person wouldn't call. Lex picked up on this, and must be doing the same with all of the women he meets.

Meanwhile, Lex is having some issues with his lawyer. She admonishes him for trying to destroy evidence, and he begins to piece things together about what has been going on. The press was leaked a file about Lex's past women, and they police were tipped off about Lex when he was at Eve Andrews' house, a tip Lex received from Corinne's law firm. It turns out that Corinne is not only his lawyer, but also a former lover that he pulled the earring trick on. Lex accuses Corinne of leaking the evidence, and perhaps even framing him for the murder. Corinne says she is going to remove herself as council, leaving Lex to find another lawyer. What did he think would happen? This isn't Kevin Hill, you don't just have sex with your lawyer and then expect good things to happen when you ask them to defend you.

Lex soon gets a call from Corinne, and she wants to see him in her office. He goes there, only to find Corinne dead (of course). He calls 911, but it is busy, and he hangs up when he notices that the familar mp3 player is lying around playing that familiar British club music. The killer it turns out was not Corinne, but Corinne's assistant, another woman Lex has had sex with. Apparently, she wasn't happy with being another notch on the bedpost, and decided to get her revenge. She takes Lex back to his mansion, and is just about to take delight as he is engulfed in flames, when Clark rushes in does a little lasso move with his shirt, and dissipates the fire, coming and going before anybody sees, and knocking the crazed assistant out in the process. How did Clark show up just in time? Lionel had given him the number of the jeweler he uses, this jeweler sent them the serial numbers for the earrings Lex had bought, and Chloe and Clark matched the missing earring to one Shannon Bell, the deadly assistant.

Clark saves the day, but his relationship with Lex has obviously taken a turn for the worse. Lex comes to visit him in the loft later that evening, and they start talking. Clark says that he can't believe what Lex did to those woman, that he didn't care how he hurt their feelings. He mentioned that it felt strange feeling he was able to trust Lionel more than Lex, and that he felt like mortal enemies. Lex said he knows it was wrong, but he is not sure what he can do to stop it. Clark says he saw "a side of you I didn't know about", as if Clark himself hasn't been hiding something for a long time as well.

So the producers have given us another insight into the pathology of Lex and is another step in the direction of Clark and Lex as mortal enemies. Last year Clark an Indian artifact gave him a hint about Lex's true intentions, and his behavior this year seems to back it up. Now, I don't want to defend Lex for his actions, but they mentioned that he has been doing this for about eighteen months. Well, subtract eighteen months in Smallville time, and that is right about when Lex's wife Helen plotted to kill him by planning a plane crash. I guess you could say that was when his women problem started. If there was any excuse for Lex's actions, you would think attempted murder would have been high on that list.

This episode also had a nice little side story. Apparently, Lana has been having nightmares since she had been possessed by a 17th century witch. One of the nightmares, she sees a woman just as she is burned at the stake. This woman is another witch (played by Jane Seymour), as evidenced by the strange color her eyes become as she casts a spell. Much to Lana's surprise, she meets this woman the next day, and it turns out to be Jason's mother. Yes, you heard me, Jane Seymour plays Jason's mother, and we don't have the slightest hint why Jason't mom has a British accent. It turns out Jason is estranged from his mother, and she wanted to meet the girl that Jason flew halfway across the world for. Lana tells Jason that his mother visited, and that she also saw his mother in her dreams. Jason meets his mom in the back of her car, and we come to learn why he stays away from his mom so often. Jason has had girlfriends in the past, and his mom had interfered in the past. She says that she likes Lana, and Jason remembers Lana's talk about the dream and asks if his meeting Lana was an accident. Although his mom denies everything, she has the look and accusatory tone of somebody who is lying, and we clearly haven't seen the end of her. Now wouldn't it be great if we had a Margot Kidder vs. Jane Seymour deathmatch for the three stones of power? I thought so.

Posted by at 9:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Try this one on for size: last night's Real World had the gall to eschew drinking, flirting, sex, and vomit in lieu of a meditation on personal responsibility. WTF???? Since when do Bunim/Murray stars care about that? I mean, this is the same franchise that brought forth Coral Smith, whose self-proclaimed work ethic was to simply not show up at her job when she grew tired of it. Well, I guess I can't compare the Philly folk to that paragon of Bunim/Murray depravity, especially since these guys actually seem somewhat willing to work. I use "somewhat" very loosely...

You see, Landon has a self-proclaimed work ethic from years of roofing abuse from his father. Everything he has, he's worked for, he explained. MJ, perplexed at this notion, sat slack jaw at the revelation. "You worked for it?" he asked. It was then that MJ learned that not everyone was raised on a plantation in the South.

As Landon and MJ shared yet another homoerotic hot tub moment, Willie and his posse returned to the mansion drunk. They quickly pointed out the filth that seemed to encompass the household, and Willie announced loudly that if it weren't for him, the house would be a complete sty. Specifically, Willie named Landon as the greatest purveyor of bacteria and squalor, an accusation he quietly denied... as he left his wet towel on the floor.

The next day, Willie took it upon himself to clean the house for four hours. And by Willie, I mean Sarah. Granted, I don't know how Sarah cleaning proves that without Willie, the house would be in shambles, but maybe he gives her the all important moral support to run that vacuum. Anyway, Sarah selflessly attacked all the mold, garbage, and dusty she could find with so much gusto, you would have thought there was a penis on a stick in front of her. When she was done, Sarah nearly collapsed in Karamo's arms as she revealed that she'd been working for four hours. Karamo's response? "Oh really?" Personally, I would have gone for more of a "Thank you so much" angle.

Meanwhile, the non-cleaning crew of MJ and Landon downed some drinks at a local watering hole. In a confessional, Landon declared himself to be an official wingman, a designation that was reinforced by his T-Shirt that said, "Wingman." Has it gotten this bad with Landon? Does he really need it printed on his shirt so he doesn't forget? I'm sure Shavonda had a beef with that: "What does this mean, "wingman"? You're gonna take home all the ugly girls so MJ can get his piece of ass? That's so disrespectful. I'm sick. I'm literally sick. You know what? Don't even talk to me!"

Well, Curly and Moe returned from their night of boozing, and apparently Landon was quite hungry for some Campbell's Soup. Unfortunately, it turned out he needed a wingman to warn him that hot soup might be, you know, hot because the oafy guy quickly burned himself. This of course mandated a series of "Owwwwww!" noises which might have been appropriate had he been 4 years old. Instead, at well past 3:30 AM, Landon's bawling was less than amusing for the sleeping roommates. Sarah, exhausted from cleaning up the stench in the mansion, ambled onto the second floor balcony and asked Landon to be quiet, and in true Real World "It's not about you, it's about ME" mentality, Landon retorted that the night before Willie had kept him up. Wasn't Landon soaking in the hot tub the night before? Well, at this point Willie had arisen from his beauty sleep and chimed into the round table discussion by asking why Landon hadn't simply said anything to him like "Hey, can you please keep it down?"

Landon once again earned his Bunim/Murray stripes by responding "It's not me!" That's right people. Once again logic and manners have taken a backseat to Real Worlders' intense determination to preserve their oh so important character. So based on this little exchange, we've learned that Landon bashing Willie to Sarah IS him, but Landon talking to Willie about the same issue is NOT him. Fantastic. Landon, please go away for the rest of the season now.

But lo! LandonLogic™ was not done for the night. When Sarah pleaded for Landon to shut up because she had just spent $30 and four hours cleaning the whole damn house, his response was the rage-inducing "That's your choice!" And I suppose, Landon, your stinky underwear all over the mansion is her choice too? Landon polished off this exchange with a smug "F--k off!" which proved that he in fact had been spending too much time with Shavonda. Realizing she was facing the birth of a Bunim/Murray monster, Sarah simply devolved into a bundle of tears, crying "You're such an ass!" Now I may joke that Sarah is a raging slut, but she also seems to be a generally good person, and the gentleman in me says that any time you make a girl who's not your girlfriend cry, you immediately rectify the situation. Landon's method of dealing with it? Spilling water all over his shirt. I don't know how he functions either.

The next day, Sarah retold the entire fetid affair to Melanie, who apparently was off drinking at her secret bar. Landon has to confront people better, Sarah said. "Exactly," responded Mel. Aaaaaand she's done. Good work this episode, Mel!

Meanwhile, back at the job with the Philadelphia Soul (you know, the job that has absolutely NOTHING to do with arena football), the group continued on with their — yawn — playground project. Everyone pondered over the myriad of playground possibilities with Willie explaining to the camera "Do you want a slide? Do you want a gazebo? Do you want it in the back with your head in a pillow--" Whoops, I slipped into that song Freak-a-leek. Anyway, a suit gave the roommates the task of drawing up a proposal of sorts that would be due the next week. We then cut to everyone... rollerskating? Yes, we sat through a random rollerskating montage that lasted about sixty seconds and featured the group weaving amongst underpriviledged kids (the type that MJ HATES). Eventually this nonsequitor ended with the bizarre image of some little boy wiping out and lying motionless on the ground. Anyhooo...

We then fast forwarded to a few nights later as Melanie - she's back! - remembered that oh yeah, that extensive report is due tomorrow. As she described it, the group had to assemble a "compile-ation" (not a "compilation") for the brass at the Philly Soul; so she and Shavonda woke up the guys who were apparently asleep at 7pm. MJ complained, "I slept hhhhard. Literally. Hhhhard." I suppose he thought the roommates would be in awe of this stunning account of slumber, but the massive bed-head gets old quickly.

In a mildly vague sequence of events, Landon and MJ announced they would be heading to the Soul offices to pump out the proposal. Shavonda managed to attach herself onto the proposal clique after a perfunctory wrestling session with Landon, and Melanie tagged along as well, most likely for the opportunity to proof read and say "I would never, NEVER use that adjective." Less clear was whether or not Sarah, Willie, or Karamo were invited to this group session. Judging by their reactions, I would imagine the answer to that question is no.

Sarah voiced her frustration with the situation by articulately reenacting how it all went down: "Landon was like 'We're not gonna get this done luh-luh-luh-luh,' you know how he is. And MJ was like 'Yeah' and Shavonda was like 'I'll come.'" Sarah then bowed and accepted a rose from the audience. Nevertheless, Sarah, Karamo, and Willie officially found the defendants guilty of excluding them, and rather than simply walk over to the office and join them, they stayed at the mansion and bitched about it.

The next morning, pockets of Real Worlders headed over to the Soul offices for a 9 AM meeting. Willie and Karamo showed up five minutes late. Way to go guys. In one swoop you managed to reaffirm the stereotype of "black people's time", "Puerto Rican people's time" and now "gay people's time." Rumor has it they were looking for an Asian lesbian in a wheelchair to round out the effect.

After a brief reprimand on the importance of punctuality, the executive running the meeting went down the line and asked everyone what they contributed to the report. Sarah awkwardly BS'd her way through a shaky response by saying "I didn't really focus on much." Um, you didn't focus on anything at all. Karamo and Willie followed suit, much to the annoyance of the exec. Of course Landon should have stepped up and said "We assured them that we had everything under control and their non-participation on this project was not for any lack of interest." But what's the fun in that? I mean, that's not an effective way to get back at the people who called you irresponsible!

Later, as the episode drew to a close, Landon felt the need to smooth things over with Sarah. He bawled in the confessional that he felt attacked, which is sort of odd because last time I checked, he was the one telling Sarah to go f--k off. Luckily Mama Shavonda was there to ease Landon's pain, giving him enough confidence to get all touchy-feely with Sarah. The two had a heart to heart, and dammit, things are gonna be great! 'Cause we can build this thing together, standing strong forever, nothing's gonna stop us now!

Posted by at 3:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

The Amazing Race returned to prime time last night, and we here at the TVgasm offices couldn't be happier. After all, where else can you find that intoxicating blend of adrenaline pumping excitement, gorgeously eye-popping scenery, and modest Phil Koegan turtlenecks? If your answer was the Men's Wearhouse, you're close, but wrong.

As usual, viewers were welcomed to the sixth season of The Amazing Race with the traditional onslaught of reality stars - half of whom were unique and recognizable, the other half generic actor/model types. The "parent/child" population was noticeably downgraded to the single duo of Gus and Hera while the "dating/ formerly dating/ long distance dating/ maybe dating/ thinking about dating/ says 'dating' a lot" designation seemed apt for nearly half the teams. Unfortunately, none of the teams had as interesting a label as season four's Chuck and Millie with their "Dating 12 years/Virgins" moniker, but at least there weren't any blatantly understated titles like "cousins" for last season's Charla & Mirna (I mean come on, CBS! What about midget/not midget?). I guess we've got to work with what we can get.

As we waded through twenty two new characters, the most noteworthy fresh faces were Bolo and Lori, two married wrestlers. Bolo predicted that they'd dominate the race because of their "suavé", which apparently means something to people who speak gibberish. Meanwhile, elderly Don and Mary Jean crowed that "we're in our best physical condition that we've been in for years." This was evidenced by them trimming leaves on bushes. You heard it here first: Don and Mary Jean will dominate the race, provided it's a gentle stroll through a garden.

We also met possibly the most annoying couple of any season in Jon and VIctoria, a married couple trying so desperately to play the role that Colin and Christie masterfully portrayed this summer. With over the top yelling and "intensity", it was all too obvious from the getgo that these two had rehearsed their relationship well before the cameras had begun rolling. Just about the only thing truly interesting about these two was trying to figure out exactly which ways they were connected to the porn industry. Of course, a simple Google search answered many questions as Victoria's Playboy site (not safe for work - there's audio) along with many other adult websites popped up instantaneously. A few more searches revealed that Jon, on the other hand, runs a hoity spa called Skin Spa in Encino, CA. Before you can ask any questions, I can already answer them: 1) Yes, Encino IS in the heart of the porn industry; 2) I agree, if Jon runs a spa, why is he so high strung?; 3) Yes, Victoria says she's 32, but she clearly looks about 42; 4) and yes, I DID notice that Victoria looks like the Bride of Chucky.

One of the more perplexing couples of the new season though has to be Adam and Rebecca, formerly dating trainers now trying to "rekindle" their relationship. Rebecca commented that "what made Adam and I stop being boyfriend and girlfriend a year ago was a lack of communication." Yeah, and the fact that he's GAY. I predict that we see a finger snap by the end of the season. Actually, interestingly enough, the team's bio on CBS's official website reads "Adam & Rebecca are an ex-couple that met at a spinning class. Rebecca's first impression of Adam was that he was gay, but after he pursued her for months, he proved otherwise." Sadly for Rebecca, she soon discovered that he was only pursuing her to say that he really liked her makeup.

Anyway, teams started out in lovely Chicago where Phil explained the rules of the game with his usual mix of high energy and effusive emotion. Within moments, the twenty two contestants were scrambling to their clues which had them jumping on the city's blue line and heading to O'Hare airport. Once there, it was a race to book a flight to Iceland. Engaged models Freddy and Kendra explained that since they were models and travelled a lot, they understood the nuances of airports. We then cut to them standing on the moveable walkway. Wow - they really do know their airports. And to think that most people walked on stationary ground! That's some good nuance!

Meanwhile, at the ticketing desk, Bolo and Jonathan booked their flights, prompting the spa owner to comment on the more colorful ironies of their wardrobes: "Between your blue and my yellow, we're super heroes!" Yes, a super hero whose speciality is... color coordination?

As usual, there was some enjoyable airport drama revolving around hurricane-induced delays and potential layover problems, but everyone managed to make it to Iceland at roughly the same time. Heading for some waterfalls, teams zipped off on highway 1 — the only highway, as J-Unit was adamant to point out. Rebecca, taking a break from her Rachel Dratch role as The Girl with No Gaydar, commented that the landscape was very Scottish. Yeah, except it's, you know, Iceland. Meanwhile, Team Embarrassing Jewish Stereotype (Avi and Joe) celebrated hitting the roads of Iceland with an impromptu rendition of their original song, "New York Jews in Iceland." Somewhere, Jen C. from The Apprentice was hissing at the TV.

Don and Mary Jean, dangerously out of their WASPy comfort zone, stopped some locals for directions to the waterfalls and quickly learned that Happy Hour in Iceland apparently starts at 7 AM. "They're ripped!" exclaimed Don in an amusing throwback to 1950s slang. Watch out Don, they may start neckin' soon.

On the highway, Queens roommates Meredith and Maria found themselves being trailed by rival borough looneys, Avi and Joe. In a bit of classic Amazing Race editing, we saw Avi call the girls "Biatches" and then immediately cut to Meredith whipping her head around as if she heard the taunt. Uh, they were in separate cars. We're not idiots. Nevertheless, as the teams approached the falls, Meredith and Maria moved onwards, convinced that everyone else was at the wrong location. By the time they had turned around, several teams had already encountered the falls, including tricky Aaron and Hayden who waved to the gals as if they would lead them to the clue. Instead, the dating/actors (not models!) led them most of the way to the next checkpoint at the base of a giant (is there really any other kind?) glacier. Meredith and Maria finally caught onto the scam — an hour and a half later — and headed back to the falls while the rest of the pack moved onwards and upwards.

Of course this duplicity towards Meredith and Maria wasn't the only shady thing going on. Things on the highways became heated as teams constantly passed each other illegally. "Eccentric" Adam took particular offense to one team advancing past him, causing him to threaten, "I'm going to bump them. Just a little bump." You know, from the rear. And he'll bump them rhythmically. I mean, what's the fun of bumping them from behind if you don't have rhythm? "Stay on their ass!" encouraged Rebecca, not realizing the double-entendre she had just let loose.

Meanwhile, Mormon sisters Lena and Kristi tore it up on the highway, passing a new car every two seconds. I suppose they were passing in the name of Jesus, although to their credit, we have yet to have any flagrant Lord name dropping yet (as opposed to last season when Chip, Kim, Brandon, and Nicole managed to work in a shout out to God every few minutes).

Eventually teams showed up at the glacier where one person exclaimed "That's ice!" Uh yeah. Last time I checked, glaciers weren't made out of Cool Whip and chocolate chips. Teams then took shuttles to snow mobiles and in turn took the snow mobiles to a small tent city on the glacier where they were to spend the night. During this process, Rebecca chimed in yet again to say that Adam has a hard time leaving his comfort zone. So doing things like racing across a glacier or having sex with a woman are really really challenging for him.

Meanwhile, seemingly hours after everyone had arrived at the makeshift shanty town, Meredith and Maria finally re-joined the group. The teams all gathered in front of the tents, applauding the two Queens natives for finally showing up. "There's the flag," one of them said. Oh good. I'm glad they saw the flag. I suppose the large group of racers in the middle of the desolate glacier didn't tip them off that they were at the right place.

The next morning, teams woke up to life on the frozen glacier. Gus repulsed half of America by scrubbing himself down with a handful of ice while Lori complained that her implants were frozen, thus bringing SNE to a whole new level. Soon teams learned of their first Detour: they could drive thirty miles away and scale a steep wall of ice, or they could take a nearby boat and search for a buoy amongst a bevy of icebergs in a seven square mile radius. Most teams opted to scale the wall, but Avi and Joe tested their luck with the icebergs. You know how that goes - Icebergs, Goldbergs. We Jews really do enjoy the 'Bergs.

Unfortunately for Avi and Joe, the task turned out to be more difficult than getting someone into synagogue outside of the High Holidays (a little humor for my fellow members of the Tribe). Joe was fond of pointing out things floating in the water, only to find out it was just ice. Here's a little Buoy 101, Joe: If the buoy is tall, white, frozen, and made of ice, chances are it's an iceberg. Whoa, I almost became the Eskimo Jeff Foxworthy there.

While the guys hunted around the waters, the ice climbers finished their detour swiftly. Aaron and Hayden zoomed off for the Pit Stop, located at The Blue Lagoon resort (and no, Brooke Shields did not greet teams at the finish line). Bolo and Lori, who left the Detour in second place, quickly got lost on one of Iceland's three roads, resulting in an always welcome shouting match in the car - you know, the authentic kind, not like the fakery of Jonathan and Victoria. Eventually the wrestlers found a random woman meandering through a field and asked her for directions. Iceland WOULD have old ladies wandering in meadows.

Meanwhile, Don and Mary Jean faced their biggest challenge yet: their car seat. In true elderly fashion, the two seemed befuddled in the face of technology - which in this case was a small lever on the side of the seat. With their lack of proficiency at raising the car seat, I feared their abilities to scale the ice wall, but amazingly enough, they did just fine, with Don commenting afterwards, "I'd rather put that ice in a martini." He then added, "By the way, we're WASPs." Side note: was anyone else totally amused when in the middle of this race, Don insisted on locking the car door at the Detour? Shut up, DAD!

The awkward embrace of Phil Koegan

Around this time, dating/actors Aaron and Hayden were the first to cross the finish line, a moment so joyous that as Phil detailed the vacation prize they had won, Hayden jumped up an embraced the stoic host. In classic Phil fashion, he let out a mere "Whoa" and his eyes soon had a look of "Get off. Get off. GET OFF!!!" as Aaron joined in on the hug action. Long distance daters Kris and John - aka Team Smiley McSmilesALot - popped up in the number two position. With their pretty faces and generic dating/model look, these two might just be the cheery successor to last season's upbeat Bowling Moms.

Meanwhile, on the roads of Iceland, Adam and Rebecca stopped off to get some gas. Much to my delight, they made the amateur Amazing Race mistake of filling their Diesel tank with unleaded, but luckily they caught their mistake before heading off. Adam erupted into a Talk-To-The-Hand rage that resulted in much swivel in the hips. It seemed like just about the only thing that would have made him happy at that point would have been if a bus full of drag queens had pulled up and recruited him for their cross country tour.

Back in the ice jungle, Avi and Joe finally found their buoy and hit the road. As they drove along, Avi commented "It's never the destination. It's always the journey." Except, you know, in a race. As teams filed into the Pit Stop, the show whittled down to Avi and Joe versus Gus and Hera. Both teams met in the Blue Lagoon parking lot, but unfortunately they were at the opposite side from the Pit Stop. As Avi and Joe poked around to make absolutely sure they were in the right place, Gus and Hera secured the tenth spot, ensuring an elimination for our dorky Brooklyn team. In the end, I think it was all for the best. Joe had an uncanny resemblance to Judge Reinhold that really would have been too annoying to deal with over a prolonged amount of time. But then again, the guys would have been the prototypical underdogs. Oh well. I guess I'll do what I always do each year: rally behind the old people.

Posted by at 4:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (22)

There's really nothing more enjoyable than watching a bunch of Orange County rich kids try to brave it in the wilderness. Actually, there are a lot of things more enjoyable, but I thought I'd start off on a positive note. Yes, the kids of Laguna Beach decided to embrace Mother Nature tonight, and while I can't say the results were anything too spectacular, at least there were no Michelle Branch sing-alongs this time around.

The episode kicked off like many Laguna Beach installments with the girls all eagerly gossiping about what the big plans are and who will be showing up with who. Lo, sounding like the blonde spawn of Beaker, announced she would not be attending a trip to Catalina Island because her dad decided to assert some parental responsibility. Psssh. This led to a typical frown volley between LC and Lo before settling into a casual anti-Kristin discussion.

As for Kristin, she was partaking in some predictably staged banter with Roz from Frasier. Oh wait, that's just her friend Alex. The two commented about Christina and how she was going to miss the Catalina trip to sing at the Crystal Cathedral. Considering that our previous exposure to Christina's singing was an atonal (and yes, cringe-worthy) audition for Rent in NYC, I feared the structural integrity of the Crystal Cathedral might be in serious danger. Nevertheless, it's a decent opportunity for a young girl to screetch publicly, and as Kristin noted, the cathedral has been visited by "some President." As Jeopardy music played in our heads, we watched as Kristin tried to remember which one of those silly Presidents visited the Catherdral before remembering that it was - oh yeah - Arnold Schwarzenegger. Ah, the youth of America. Sigh.

Over on some seaside cliff, Stephen and his sidekick (whose nicely plucked eyebrows should raise some, er, eyebrows) discussed whether or not a yacht would be transporting them to Catalina. Now I'm not one of these populists that begrudges every rich kid raised with yachts, but seriously, I really wanted to punch them in the face.

Luckily for them, a yacht did fetch all the kids, who were served a lovely continental breakfast consisting of croissants, fruit, and danish. You know, all the typical food they'll be getting at college. When the kids finally made it to the camp site, they assembled their tents to the tune of Green Day's "American Idiot" - one of the rare sly moves on the producers' part. LC called up Lo who was excited to be heading out with Mike - whoever that is - for sushi. There was some general banter about sushi this, camping that, but I didn't really pay attention, lest I had to listen to the windshield wiper sound that was Lo's voice. Later at the campsite, some park rangers came by to say "Hope you have fun, yada yada yada rattle snakes might sneak up on you, yada yada yada, watch out for bears, yada yada yada, yes bears, yada yada yada." Morgan, the pudgy girl whose face always looks like she just walked in on two people making out, stared bug-eyed at the ranger. I wasn't surprised to see her all-encompassing fear. No offense to her, but if this little crew suddenly turned Lord of the Flies, I think we know who'd be first to have her head crushed by a boulder...

Anyway, the threat of ursine predators resulted in a chorus of "You guys..." from the girls, particularly community college bound Kristin whose response to almost anything is either "You guys..." or "Stephen! That's not funny." As night fell on the campers, we cut between a despondent LC and the chirpy Lo on her date. We knew things would be bad for Lo when the jerky Mike character took her to Pomodoro - which unless there was some interracial wedding along the way, was not a sushi place. Actually, considering that I ate at Pomodoro today for lunch, I can assure you that their California roll is pretty good - and by California roll, I mean meatballs and spaghetti.

For his part, Mike seemed completely bored with his date. Not even the prospect of TV cameras and instant fame could lift his spirits. At least it was better than the Catalina clan, which was probing the spiritual world with some Ouiji Board experimentation. First question: Is Morgan a virgin? Oh the jokesters. Meanwhile, I'm sure the spirits were psyched to finally have a the chance to gossip with the human world. I bet they're sick of having to locate dead people and carry stupid messages all the time. Anyway, the Ouiji session came to an abrupt halt as the pinpoint radar that was Kristin's ears detected an encroaching bear. Within moments, the fire was put out and the kids all retreated to the safety of their tents. They were safe there because, you know, bears can't tear through anything thicker than tissue paper.

Meanwhile, as the girls freaked out, Stephen donned a silly bear costume to fuel the fears. Yes, I'm sure they would believe it too. Apparently the bears in Catalina are covered in felt and have seams up their back. Stephen burst into the girls' tent, resulting in a spate of shrieks followed by laughter and then Kristin's "Stephen, you are so stupid. I'm mad." Honestly, wasn't that a far way to go for a simple joke? I mean, renting a whole bear costume? You might as well prolong the joke more than a mere ten seconds. You know, pretend the bear is sniffing around their tent. If it were me, I would have brought a taxidermied bear head and thrust it into the girls' tent - possibly with a chainsaw too, just for added effect. Now THAT's good bear humor. The upside at least is that now whenever Morgan sees a Teddy bear, she gets nightmares.

Around this time, I'm sure all viewers were probably thinking, man this would have been a lot funnier if a real bear had come and terrorized these kids. Where were the producers? If there was ever a reason to meddle for ratings, this was it.

Eventually the sweet salvation of daylight arrived, and the kids cleaned up the site. With all the food they left out, I'm frankly surprised that a bear really didn't come poking around. While the kids departed for the main land, Christina prepared for her musical debut. Her father, a deep voiced and truly annoying man, lulled his congregation to sleep in true Rev. Lovejoy style (oh yeah, he's the reigning Reverend at the Crystal Cathedral - not Lovejoy, but Christina's dad). Taking a page from Mr. Miyagi, Christina's dad babbled about "Wax On, Wax Off" and how that relates to being a good Christian. Uh... I suppose next week's sermon will detail the importance of why nobody puts Baby in the corner. Christina eventually took to the stage and managed to not shatter the glass cathedral with her determinedly flat voice. The burgeoning thrush was warmly received, especially by Randy and Paula, but Jesus was all "That was a total disaster. Horrible." Man, he's such a hardass. I think he does it for the ratings.

Posted by at 9:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

From Real World, to the pages of Playboy, to the Surreal Life and countless RW/RR challenges, Trishelle has managed to make a living doing nothing.

Well all that is changing as she has now decided to auction off dates on ebay. After being forced to live in a penthouse in Las Vegas' wildest casino/resort and cramped in there with sexy drunk peers, then moving on to living with has been celebrities in a mansion in hollywood for ten days, and getting paid $60.000 for it, she is now going to have the rough life of being taken out by wealthy men to dinner, being chauffeured around in limo's and all the while doing it for the cold hard cash.

Hmmm, I know there is a profession where I have heard this premise for a woman making money with a similar profession before. Oh yeah! Now I remember.

In any event to bid or watch the bid for this special night with Trash-elle the link it after the jump. And if I sound particularly bitter, it's only because I can't afford the date. I've heard she's a sweet girl......

......and I just want a tiny sip of that sweet nectar.

For your chance to donate to her "keep me from ever working a real job fund" click here!

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 3:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Ever wanted to meet Tyra Banks? Or maybe Janice Dickinson? Or maybe even that British judge who looks like a character from Chicken Run? Well, now's your chance... sort of.

On December 15th, UPN will be throwing a red-carpet season finale bash for America's Next Top Model, an event that promises to be just slightly less shrill than a Bunim/Murray reality star convention. With any luck, all the cast members will be in attendance - ranging from the intellectually challenged Norelle to the cheeseburger inclined Tocarra. No word yet on whether Janice will be toting around a baby carriage full of blow.

Now here's the catch. TVgasm's preferred ticket brokerage, Stubhub.com, is offering tickets to this event, but don't get too excited just yet. The catch is that people pay $75 for a CHANCE to go to this ultra-exclusive/insignificant event, and in traditional raffle style, one winner will be selected to attend the party. Don't worry, all revenue goes to the Museum of Television and Radio. To put your name in the running, click here.

So where is this party? Well, it's venue, city and state are listed as "n/a in n/a, n/a". THANKS.

Posted by at 10:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

You have to love the good folk at Bunnim/Murray for at least putting forth the effort in attempting make each new iteration of the Real World/Road Rules challenge seem unique. I always thought that the methods each of the various challenges used to get rid of their less useful members was always a little unfair. Then again, I am sure that the producers don't care because if there was too much fairness when removing members, the show would lose a lot of its drama, not to mention opening the possibility for some of our recurring cast members to leave early in the game. The current team captain method makes some sense, until you realize that the challenges rarely, if ever, involve any sort of element where a strong leader is going to make a difference in the outcome. Since the girls team hasn't had much success staying competitive, there is no advantage to being a leader on their team. With no advantage to being a leader, there is less of an incentive for the other people to give a shit about what they are doing other than monetary compensation. While free low rider bikes and Playstations are nice incentives, the only one that really matters is the last one, since that likely means a new car.

Last week, Angela was spared thanks to a beast we thought would never appear - a sensible women's inner circle. How did Angela spend her newly found lease on reality life? Why, getting to know Frank of course! Angela's time could have spent her time more wisely by at least trying to convince the members of her team that they should keep her. The women's team is a popularity contest, and although I understand that Angela is really enjoying her time with Frank, they will see each other back in LA! Angela is trying to be an actress and Frank is in grad school. Besides, her attraction to Frank is less attraction and more sort of a coveting of somebody who will stick around long enough for her to finish several sentences in a row. Frank turned out to be the second person she has known in two years that has shown this quality, so Angela is not surprisingly all atwitter about the whole ting. Uh oh, last time the producers focused on a new relationship with Coral and Abram, the guy was sent packing. I hope that doesn't mean bad things for Frank. Well, actually I could care less, If all that editing can't make Frank look engaging, I am not about to try in person.

This challenge was one that didn't require anybody to be in a bathing suit, and the message said that they would need to be well rested and aware of all of their senses. I think what this really meant was that they had gone way over on the booze budget, so they wanted people to think they had to be sober the next day. The name of the challenge was "High Noon", and although it sounds like the first "To Do" item on the Lindsay Lohan calendar each day, it was in fact a simple duel in the desert. One guy and one girl had to stand about 75 feet from each other, and commence shooting after a signal sounded. The first to hit their opponent was the winner, although you should know that they were using paintball and not real guns, clearly diminishing the number of interesting scenarios possible once guns started blazing.

The guys chose Eric, Randy, and Brad for their captains. Eric, as always brought that stupid jump rope with him. I am not sure when it became a hot accessory to wrap a jump rope around your neck and such, but hopefully somebody will take the time to hang him by it before the show is over. The girls picked Tonya, Angela, and Arissa. Strange group for sure, but Tonya wanted to prove she was willing to step up, so volunteered to lead. Angela felt bad about backing out last time, so she made it an issue to lead no matter what. As for Arissa, she was the only member of her team that even had held a paintball gun before, so she was selected by default. Although not having many people who had fired guns of any sort, Tina said she was sure the men would lose because they couldn't even aim the gun they had in their pants, so how could they win in this challenge? A few points for tina: A) It's more the shake that makes the mess, not the actual act of relieving yourself in the toilet B) If I sat while I peed, I would also be mess-free as Tina suggests. I instead enjoy the freedom of being able to utilize any tree trunk or bush with little hassle C) If she swallows, there is no need for aiming anyway.

Rather than having some random order determine opponents, each person picked a card of either spades (guys) or hearts (girls) to decide their order. Fewer points were given to the winners of the earlier rounds, so it made sense to have your best people at the top. The only stipulation was that the three highest value cards would be reserved for the leaders of either team, meaning they would be the final three to participate. I guess this was supposed to be some sort of method that would mean some strategy would be involved with the leaders, but since the skill level was so disproportionate, leaders once again made no difference. I also suppose they did it so if a team was far behind, they could win several of the later rounds since they were worth more, and still win the game. This would theoretically put more suspense in the outcome since both teams should be in the hunt for a longer period of time.

In the end, it didn't make a difference that the rounds were weighted differently, since the girls would have lost using any scoring method, even that strange Stableford Modified Scoring System (or is that Modified Stableford Scoring System?). The only women to win were Robin (vs Shawn), Coral (vs Nick), Tina (vs. Steve) and Tonya (vs Eric). This gave the guys a 74-14 win, and each member of their team a $500 gift certificate for the Pottery Barn, but I am sure they wish it was for the Liquor Locker instead. The most interesting duels were Robin vs. Shawn, Mike vs. Ibis, and Angela vs. Brad. Shawn, Mike, and Angela were all likely candidates to get the heave ho at the end of the episode and each needed a win to solidify their status. Well, I am not sure winning would have helped Angela with her teammates, but it couldn't hurt her. I am also surprised that she had such a hard time at the challenge. I thought she was a regular Big Bad Momma in her early film roles. Mike had complained about having more pressure to perform because of his DQ early on. Imagine that, your teammates requiring that you show some sort of skill multiple times in a row. After Mike's win, The Miz reared its ugly head. I can't wait until Mujastar and The Miz meet in a battle royale.

In what is becoming a bore, the guys were fairly logical, the discussion centering around Nick, Mike, and Shawn. Shawn was selected largely because of his performance, but also because he didn't step up to be a leader. Actually, he was a leader during the ice block challenge, but he didn't really contribute that much overall either. The women's vote involved the least amount of drama so far, but was still full of statements from people who don't realize the cameras are rolling and they will look like and idiot unless they think things through. Coral and her minions took it upon themselves to take out Angela, but Ibis spoke out and said that Tonya was the one who messed up the most and deserved to go. Ibis didn't make sense, but at least she was consistent, wanting to get rid of the leader that had performed the best in their challenge. Perhaps she was just hit with how stupid Tonya was for putting hot rocks in her mouth in an effort to melt ice, but Tonya does not deseve to go based on the last couple of performances. Similarly, Aneesa said she was going to hate herself for what she did, and voted Angela. Actually Aneesa, you aren't going to hate yourself. You voted out Ayanna with no problem, and your only goal is to avoid getting Coral and Rachel upset with you, so you did a great job.

On Elimination Hill, Shawn took his defeat like a champ, although he did channel Al Sharpton and started a little rant about how the game was fixed and racist. He laughed it off, but did manage to fool a couple of idiots (ahem, Ibis) to believe his screed was true. Angela took a completely different approach, taking the time to call out all of her bitches, and the reason why she didn't get farther was she wasn't a bitch and couldn't play the game the ways others played. Well, everybody else is a bitch on her team, but she also played the game when it meant they were getting rid of Ayanna, so I am not sure why she is accusing others of being so much less saintly than she believes she is.

So, the women lost another chance to vote out one of the veterans. The girls laughed off their problems, with Coral saying they would be better without Angela on their team. Almost believable, but their team has been voting off their sucky members for awhile now, and I haven't seen the women make that much of a difference at all. They haven't even really gotten better at any task. It will be interesting to see what women are going to be forced to lead now that most of the scapegoats are gone. I am guessing Sophia, Ibis, and Aneesa are looking at good odds that they will be sent home.

Posted by at 1:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Ok last nights BIG FAT OBNOXIOUS BOSS, was not particularly funny. I have spent the morning trying to be snarky and review it, but I kept re-reading this email sent in by one of our readers and decided it was too incredible to not post, and certainly nothing I could say would be more entertaining, incredible or jaw dropping than this.

So here is our BIG FAT OBNOXIOUS BOSS STORY OF THE WEEK sent in from C.W. in Bel Air, CA.

"When I first moved to Los Angeles, I got work as an assistant to a film producer whose name would be recognizable instantly to your readers. I won't say who, but I will say he is married and has several statues honoring his work over the years.

Within a few weeks of working for him, it became clear he had a bit of an addiction problem. Addicted to drugs, addicted to sex, and addicted to hiding it all. He was having me pick up his kid, his dry cleaning and his coke all in the same run. One particular day off, as I was on my way to a movie, I get a page from the boss. I returned his call to find that he was in desperate need of "party favors" for an event he was hosting that night and needed me to detour from the movie to pick them up. Needless to say these were not the party favors we all had as kids. They were party favors that if came bundled in a brick and cost more than I have yet to make in my life.

When I delivered the "part favors" I was told to go get some alcohol and given a fist full of cash to pay for the newly obtained favors. I came out here to be an actress, not to do this. But how can I say no to a person in his powerful position. Day to day, I was nervous, but this day I was scared. He gave me the cash and a joint, and told me to "relax" and once I’m done, to take the night off. Keep in mind; this was a weekend, when I’m supposed to have the day off anyways." On my way to the, well, drop off I was pulled over for speeding. I had the joint in plain site on the seat next to me and a bundle of cash was exposed that I couldn’t explain. I was arrested for misdemeanor possession. I had to spend 2 nights in lock up while the weekend passed since the courts were closed. When I got out I now had a record, I had to pay a fine, and as the ADA told me, due to the cash found on me "they will be keeping their eye on me."

I went to jail for my boss, that year for Christmas as a bonus, he let me be an extra in one of his films. Which would be great if I was brand new to LA, didn't know anyone and, I don’t know, DIDN'T FUCKING GO TO JAIL FOR HIM!! Currently, I have given up on acting and the industry as a whole. Learning from some of the many lady friends my boss had, I spent a couple years with men taking care of me, and ultimately have married rich. I guess I am now a Hollywood cliché, but Ill never forget my wide eyed entry into Hollywood as an assistant the famous producer Mr. ----

You didn’t think I would actually tell do you?"

If you replace all the hollywood references with political ones, I would venture to guess the boss was former Texas Governer, George W. Bush. Initially skeptical, having exchanged emails with C.W. I am convinced this story is not only well told, but sadly.....true.

Anyone have any guesses as to who it was?

Anyone else out there have any Big Fat Obnoxious Boss stories? Let me know and selected entries will be included in future Big Fat Obnoxious Boss column.

Send stories to madeyoulaugh@tvgasm.com

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 1:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Is America ready for its first plus-sized supermodel? Uh, no. That's what we learned in yet another gripping installment of America's Next Top Model. Yes, this week the Reubenesque run of Tocarra came to an inevitable halt as she was quietly erased from the group photo like so many failed models before her. It was a decision that Tyra Banks no doubt agonized over, seeing how she's lately become the resident Dr. Phil of the group. How much does Tyra care about her girls? A lot. In fact, the show kicked off with Tyra inexpliqueably bawling in bed about the fate of erstwhile model Cassie and her rampant bulimia. As she vented to a random woman that I'll assume was her mother (or maybe a transient drag queen), Tyra let us know that she cares, man. She really cares. It was a very Schindler's List moment as Tyra moaned that she could have done more to help. She could have done more! This gold ring - she could have sold it to pay for Cassie's therapy! This necklace - two more sessions. This pin - one more session. One more session!

While America's first plus-sized forehead model cried in her PJ's, the girls were up to their usual babbling in the apartment. Yaya found another opportunity to talk down to the girls when she asked a burping Ann if she ever thought the lo-carb thing might just be a gimmick. Yeah, because the modelling world is never linked to gimmicks. I wonder if she'll still be complaining two years from now when she'll be known as "Yaya - the girl from America's Next Top Model"? Not that it's gimmicky or anything... Meanwhile Eva had her own issues to deal with. She explained to the camera that people don't realize she has layers. What she didn't say was that those layers were annoyingness, loudness, and annoyingness again.

With life threatening to become dull and squalid in the apartment, the producers sent in some pep to get the girls off their booties. A curious knock came to the front door, and when Ann opened it, a mini pride parade waltzed in. Actually, it was just image specialists - an Emmy winning stylist (Rebecca Weinberg, coming straight from the trendiest Shabbat dinner EVER) - and two guys from a publicity firm whose name I did not deign to jot down. HA! Rebecca did a critical assesment of each girl's wardrobe while the two guys questioned the models and coached them on how to act in the spotlight.

As expected, Rebecca met resistance from Yaya who treated her Earth Mother garbs like they were artifacts from the 18th century. "If you're going to do a toothpaste ad, are you going to wear a dashiki," Rebecca asked. Depends. If it's Dashiki Toothpaste, I think the answer is yes. Side note: since when do supermodels line up for Aquafresh ads?

While the fashion disaster that was Rebecca Weinberg critiqued the aspiring models, Tocarra met with the two publicity guys. She started off by dropping a bombshell: "I am a full figured model." Good God Tocarra, we KNOW! You don't have to state it every episode.

Later, the gals headed to NYC's west side for a good ole fashioned steak dinner. Yaya dressed up for the occasion by putting her hair in some bizarre Grace Jones-ish 'do. Suddenly, while the girls were having what I'm sure was a charged intellectual conversation about the works of Sartre, forehead gigantism victim Tyra Banks joined the table. The girls all squealed with delight and fake hugs were had by all. Within moments, Tyra was mooching off the girls' plates and delivering another one of her vapid pep talks. As she discussed the challenges of being a black supermodel, Tyra explained "I have a lot working against me. You see, I'm an idiot and that does NOT help." Okay, well, she didn't say that last sentence but I think it still applies (says me, the guy not earning millions and without a hit TV show).

The next day, Nicole - sporting bizarre racoon eyes - played a little prank on the house when reading the Tyra mail. "We're going to Europe!" she shrieked with Eva and Ann, a spectacle that brought forth all the roommates like curious hamsters sniffing out cheese. When the joke was revealed about thirty seconds later, Yaya scoffed about the immaturity in the apartment. Yes, joking is SO middle school. No mature, self-respecting Nubian Queen would ever reduce herself to "humor", whatever that is.

What the Tyra mail actually did say was that the models would be going to a department store to meet sartorial mishap Rebecca Weinberg. There, they learned they'd have fifteen minutes to pull together a look they'd be wearing to an afternoon event. After a chaotic montage, the gals all found their shwag and headed back to the apartment where Tocarra complained about how hard it is to find couture her size. Eva empathized, saying that her concerns were "rationable." At which point I think we all had rationable thoughts about Eva's edumacation. Apparently her grade for English was "Done good."

Anyway, the ladies all went to a faux-red carpet event where they modelled their new clothes. A nosy, British reporter for US Weekly drilled them with questions, trying to get dirt on the models. No one named names, except for the vacant Norelle who noted that she didn't get along with Yaya. Oh Norelle. It seems like she may have been dropped on the runway a few too many times.

Turns out the event was a competition, and the winner was Yaya, who received as a prize two gay guys. Actually, they were chefs, and they raided the apartment's tiny kitchen to cook up a gourmet meal for Yaya and the guest of her choice. In this case, it was Norelle. This was Yaya's lame attempt to reach out to her red carpet basher, but during their heart to heart, they didn't seem to really connect. Norelle explained that she felt a wall around Yaya, to which the dancer replied "It is a wall with nine blocks that spell 'competition.'" Norelle looked perplexed as she tried to figure out the high level analogy. For the record, "competition" has eleven letters. Great Ivy League education at work people!

The next day, the ladies headed out to see their platinum blonde boy-toy, Jay Manuel. He announced that the photo shoot would include diamonds which made the girls cheer with delight. Diamonds, yay! Oh, and there'll be a tarantula too. Yay!-- whaaaaa? Yes, in an effort to cater to the spider chic sector of the fashion industry, this week's photo shoot featured an itsy bitsy spider crawling up the model's top. And by itsy bitsy, I mean big and furry. Eva broke down into a sobbing mess at the thought of a hairy arachnid having its way with her. Jay tried his best to mollify the situation by saying there will be EMS on standby. If it's not so bad, why the need for an EMS, Eva asked. "We have EMS here all the time," Jay reassured. Yeah, because if any of Janice Dickinson's silicon mixes with the botox and cocaine in her system, she'll go into cardiac arrest. Chances are she won't die, but man will she be annoying about it.

Nevertheless, the ladies sucked it up and posed with the little beast. Nicole seemed quite at ease, and I kind of wanted to say "Uh, Nicole, there's a huge spider on you, just so you know." Ann took the photo op as a chance to try out her Gloria Swanson impression as she flared her eyes like the Sunset Boulevard star. Other victims included the normally beautiful Norelle who adopted a severe look that succeeded in making her look very mannish (that's not a good thing). Eva meanwhile continued to cry as the prospect of a spider on her face scared the bejesus out of her. With this meltdown coupled with Coral Smith's near death experience on The Gauntlet, I think it's safe to say that spiders and bitchy divas do NOT mix.

At the panel, Tyra greeted the models with her hairstyle of the week - giant, curly afro. More voluminous that Stacie J's of The Apprentice, but not quite as docile as Scary Spice's, Tyra's expansive dandelion poof threatened to muss the well groomed suit of fellow judge/real life M&M, Nolé Marin. Rebecca Weinberg, fresh from making herself look even dumber, served as this week's guest judge and administered the panel test: the models had ten minutes to choose one of four hats and generate a look around it. It was a fairly unspectacular mission, but we did see some great sparks from Yaya who balked when the panel called her drab. In an effort to prove that she was not cliché, Yaya noted that she specifically did not wear the kente hat, especially because its fabric was sub-Yaya level. That's great. Shut up.

The judges then took a gander at the spider photos, with one of them awkwardly introducing an image by saying "and here she is accessorized with tarantula." Is that possible? Are tarantulas an accessory now? I suppose scorpions are SO 2003. Tocarra's photo was an all out disaster for the judges, with Janice saying the spider looked like a "tarantula mole." Isn't that what Janice calls her-- oh nevermind. Nolé meanwhile commented that it was a "great picture for the tarantula." GREAT. I'll have to remember that for when I watch America's Next Top Tarantula.

Surprisingly enough, Eva's photo rocked the competition. She explained to the judges how scared she was, to which Janice replied "Try posing on a live crocodile, honey." Why is it that when Janice says that, it just sounds gross. Is it maybe her way of soliciting sex? Nevertheless, the time came for Tyra to stand above the models and engage in her monotone I-Know-We-Just-Giggled-At-Dinner-But-Now-You-Are-My-Bitch voice. As she handed Yaya her photo, she berated the haughty wannabe. By attacking the Kente Hat, she was being very, VERY insulting, Tyra said. We then cut to the Kente hat crying in the corner.

Yaya apologized and meekly returned to the pack as Tocarra and Ann faced the wrath of Tyra. You're both failures, Tyra stated. Hey, tell us how you really feel. Tyra continued to smackdown the two models, ultimately cutting Tocarra. Tears were had by all, and I'm sure this week we can look forward to another scene of a guilty Tyra in bed. I suppose it could be worse. I don't even want to know what Janice looks like when she wakes up in her crypt of chemical preservation that she calls a "bed".

What do you think? Was America ready for a plus-sized supermodel?

Posted by at 11:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

In case some of you out there haven't been paying attention, or are simply waiting for the TVgasm staff to make it official, CBS is airing its new season of The Amazing Race this Tuesday with a two hour season premiere. In the great tradition of our other giveaways, TVgasm introduces the Amazing Race Challenge. If you missed out on your chance to win authentic TVgasm merchandise in the The Passion of the TVgasm, here is your chance to show how much you know about The Amazing Race.

Participating in the challenge is simple:

1. Go to the Amazing Race 6 homepage, and review the teams.

2. Choose the three teams you think will finish one, two, and three overall.

3. E-mail your answers to amazingrace@tvgasm.com.

The winner, to be announced at the end of the season (of course), will be the person who gets the three final teams, and the overall winner of The Amazing Race correct. In the event that more than one person gets the correct answers, the tiebreaker will be who picked the second and third place teams correctly as well. If more than one person has all three correct, the person who e-mailed their answers first will be awarded the winner. For their great victory, the lucky individual will receive one free item from the TVgasm store.

Only one entry per person/e-mail address will be accepted, and TVgasm will never give away your name or e-mail to anybody, not that your more "creative" attempts at coercion aren't encouraged. Entries will be accepted until 9PM Eastern on Tuesday, November 16th. Any questions or comments e-mail amazingrace@tvgasm.com.

Posted by at 11:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Our leader at the present time is LilMommyBug's "The Freak Show", who rode on the performance of Tina, Angela, and Coral to push her lead to 28 points over second place domermeg and her team "Bring It". Rounding out the top five are pixies_rock_girl's "Dominators", freakgirldotcom's "Freaks & Geeks", and 1salamander1's "mandersgrrrls".

The battle for free TVgasm paraphernalia continues to be intense and no lead is safe in this great competition.

Full rankings are available after the jump.

Posted by at 3:03 PM | Permalink

If there is one thing that you can always count on in Survivor, it's that the team with the numbers advantage is never going to be gracious in victory. You've seen it before, many, many times. On the one hand, people may think this type of thing is boring. Nobody really wants to watch a bunch of people gloat their way to the finish. On the other hand, there is always a pretty good chance that the strong alliance is somehow going to blow it's advantage and some of the cocky bastards get sent home. These are the essential parts of the show that lead to great moments in the last episode with the jury and all future reunion shows.

To tell you the truth, the guys of Lopevi did have it coming to them. By fixating on voting off all of the younger guys, Sarge, Chad, and Chris had themselves believing they were in command of the game. They were so sure about their numbers, they voted off a guy right before the merge. Rory came back during the merge and properly warned them about Ami, but the former Lopevi didn't do a good enough job of securing their female votes, and so the purge began. Once again, Julie pulled off a brilliant strategy move by telling Twila that she was not the only one that the guys offered a final four deal. When Twila never called her on that bluff by checking back with the guys, it opened up the door for the situation we have today.

Now, in a perfect Survivor world, all hope would not be lost. Anybody who is enough of a schemer should realize that there is a chance to divide and conquer. The problem is that there is a decidedly unschemerish attitude among the Lopevi. Sarge has not come to grips with his new minority status in the game, and is constantly fixated on the estrogen level in the camp, as if giving them all testosterone and having a hairy chested Julie and baritone Eliza is going to make anything better. Chad seems like a nice enough guy, but if he is going to get himself out of this hole he has to pull a Charla and exploit his handicap differently abledness. Scout has had cancer and a knee replacement, LeAnn is missing a kidney. You would think one of them would relate to Chad. I sometimes think Chris is a schemer, because he did pull a little magic the first week staying off the chopping block despite being unable to beat Scout in a challenge. I think Chad is a little too preoccupied in keeping his golden locks free of split ends than he is of trying to shake up the current situation.

The reward challenge is typical of what we are going to see now that the tribes have merged. This one involved a quiz about Vanuatu culture. Every time a tribe member answered their question correctly, they got a chance to light a (coconut) skull of another tribe member. Each tribe member had three skulls, and when all three skulls were lit, that person had to sit out. These challenges are boring to watch, but do show us a little bit about the game, particularly the pecking order as to how the current tribe sees everybody else. All three of the guys were eliminated first, as was to be expected. Sarge was quite pissed at what has become a battle of the sexes. And nobody could see that coming, unless you saw how the tribes were separated by sex the VERY FIRST WEEK. Is Sarge's fantasy, he believes that the women should treat all of the guys as equals, with an equal shot at advancing in the game, as if he was planning on letting any of the women break into his final three.

There weren't too many interesting questions in this game, except when Jeff asked if it was true that the people of Vanuatu drink hot magma to cleanse spirits. Julie, Leann, and Eliza all said yes, leading me to wonder how these girls thought they would collect the lava, and second, what type of container the people of vanuatu fashioned to store this lava. More revealing was the order as to which the women were eliminated. Eliza was first, and was not happy at all, especially since it was Scout that torched her last skull. After Eliza came Julie, then Scout and Ami. In a battle of wits between LeAnn and Twila, Leann came out on top. The reward was private helicopter trip over the jungle canopy and a picnic lunch of champagne and chicken wings by a dormant volcano. We all expected LeAnn to take Ami, who I think is her strongest Ally, but instead she made a smart move and took Julie. She used that time to firm up Julie's stance among the women remaining. LeAnn confessed that she was't that fond of Scout and neither was that worried about Eliza going too far. They talked about the final four, which leads me to believe their plan is to have Ami and Twila join with them.

At the camp, Eliza was still seething and Scout was doing a great job at being passive agressive and condescending, telling Eliza that they had to get rid of her first, because you are supposed to get rid of smart players first. Scout may get some sympathy votes from a lot of viewers out there, but I think she has coasted along without doing much of anything that would deserve fan support. Too bad there isn't some phantom beef jerky to take somebody down when you need to. The guys saw that open hostility towards Eliza and decided to play it towards their advantage. Unfortunately instead of trying to figure out how to make Eliza part of their group, they thought it would be smart to try and sabotage Eliza's chances with the women, a sort of addition by subtraction ploy. While the men were scheming on the outrigger, LeAnn and Julie came back from their picnic with a couple of chicken wings for anybody else who had ovaries. That's right, they brought back only enough for the women. It's not enough for these womens to take stabs at the men, they have to salt their wounds and rub it in as well.

As the women came back from the woods(they ate their wings in the woods so they guys wouldn't see them from the water) and saw the guys had returned, Julie and LeAnn produced a bag of chicken bones with little scraps of meat and cartilage. Yes, the best parts of survivor. To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the men! The men picked at the scraps of meat like the little dogs they have become, in what is sure to be an embarrassing moment when they see it on TV.

It wouldn't be Survivor unless Mark Burnnett tried a silly twist, and this time was no different. When Eliza went to get the tree mail about the immunity challenge, she found that the producers had left a pig. When she finally got it back to camp, Twila and Sarge were ready to kill it on the spot and have some ribs. Unfortunately, they were instructed that they had to keep the pig safe and if they did so, they would be rewarded. And like that, it was gone, we didn't hear any reason for keeping the pig the rest of the episode.

The only hope the men have these days is to win immunity challenges. As long as that is some sort of physical challenge, they seem to have an advantage over the women, although Ami, Julie, and Eliza are threats. In a battle of the minds, all bets are off, and none of these guys seem to have a chance. That was the case in this challenge, which required everybody take a look at a puzzle jeff had in his hands, and try and replicate the puzzle on the board in front of them. It was basically a matter of flipping over some pieces to match the colors on Jeff's board. If you were hoping the men would put up a fight, you were sorely disappointed, as they all were eliminated on the first puzzle. With that suspense gone, the only thing left would be to see if Eliza could win immunity since her status was still up in the air. In the end, it was Ami who won. She said she was almost reluctant to win because she is already seen as a big threat, but I don't think any of the women have the chops to go up against her. If and when she is eliminated, it is going to be interesting to see who is going to pull it off.

The men continued to work on their plan to save themselves by pushing the plan to get rid of Eliza. The problem is that they pushed the plan to the wrong person, namely Scout, who doesn't have any sort of sway to what direction the rest of the women are going to vote. Eliza took the chance to talk to Ami when she saw Scout plotting with the men, and you know how Ami takes to dissenting opinions. The other part of the guy's strategy was to get pissed at Twila, which served the purpose of alienating Twila from her position. Near the end, Chad finally figured it out that if they got Twila and Eliza to vote, they could get rid of whoever they wanted to. But after yelling at Twila and being seen scheming with Scout, there was little chance that was going to happen.

During tribal council, Jeff took the chance to let some of the backstabbing come forth, and everybody took advantage of that. Sarge took particular pleasure in calling Julie out for her big lie to the rest of the tribe. The voting was kind of strange, because their were three different names picked, which means that there was at least one person that either didn't get the memo, or decided to go off on their own. That vote turned out to be from Chris, who went against his alliance and voted for Sarge, aligning himself with the women's side. It could be seen as a smart move, but there is no way for him to verify that he voted for Sarge, and I am pretty sure the women will see him voting for Sarge as a pretty transparent attempt to gain favor. Chris just doesn't have the looks to get any of the women to swoon over anything he has planned.

It looks like the final few rounds are being drawn. Starting with Sarge, everybody leaving the island will be part of the jury, so we get to turn our speculation over what sort of votes the jury is going to place among the players still remaining. Jeff still mentioned that anything can happen, and immunity challenges will help level the playing field, but excuse me if I am skeptical anybody can withstand Ami's dominance.

Posted by at 12:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Somewhere in America, former Apprentice candidate Elizabeth is shaking her head. After all, for a brief moment it looked like Chris would be joining her in the "I sucked so badly I was fired on the spot" club, but alas, it appears as though Elizabeth will keep that humiliating honor all to herself. Yes, Chris narrowly avoided that dubious distinction, but not much else. His performance as project manager this week was... how do you say it? Awful? Abysmal? Embarrassing? Shameful? Or how about simply lame? No amount of smiley faces on the knees could help him on this episode — unless of course those smiley faces could magically buy wedding dresses (they didn't).

As usual, the episode kicked off with our resident Jimmy the Greeks weighing in on who may have been fired in the boardroom. Jennifer put her money on an Ivana ouster, thus extending her accuracy record to about, hmmm, 0 and 9? Honestly, the homeless dude down the street would do a better job at predicting the outcomes of the boardrooms, and I think he might be dead (or at least suffering from a Jane Austen-ish bout of consumption).

Nevertheless, Ivana returned triumphantly to the apartment where she was greeted with a cold silence. She didn't really say anything - certainly nothing approaching the level of a solid Enron zinger - and part of me really wanted her to simply state "I'll assume your lack of cheers and joy indicate that you are happy to see me." But instead Ivana just sat down with the group and watched new project manager Chris chomp on asparagus. Later, team Apex held one of those ineffective Let's Vent discussions where Ivana mandated that if you have to complain, come up with a solution. For instance, when Ivana complains, the solution she often provides is to fold her arms and look peeved. Other welcome solutions are scowling, rolling eyes, and - oh yes - pacing to and fro with hands on hips.

Meanwhile, over at the Mosaic Corporation, a minor leadership battle erupted between Kelly and Andy. The young pup voiced his interest in being the project manager, an idea that Frau Maria quickly batted down with an efficient "We're not gonna let you lead." Still, Andy persisted enough that he and Kelly entered into a name drawing scenario. Ultimately, Kelly's name was picked from the hat, and I half expected Maria to turn to the camera and say darkly "All the names said Kelly. It's an old trick I learned during my Home Economics with a Concentration in Communications minor."

The next morning Rhona called up and told the candidates to meet Trump at famed restaurant Tavern on the Green. Once the teams were there, Trump and his cohorts arrived regally. For her part, Carolyn did her darndest to look like another one of those 1970s Love Boat villains that hang around Trump so much. Nevertheless, Trump greeted the teams and announced proudly "This is Tavern on the Green." Really? I wouldn't have realized that considering the cryptic directions were "meet Mr. Trump at TAVERN ON THE GREEN."

Trump continued: "The thing that really differentiates Tavern on the Green is the fact that at least once a week, they have a wedding." Also differentiating it: At least once a week, some jerk bangs on the windows and pretends to be Rick Moranis in Ghostbusters. Anyhoo... Trump revealed that this week's challenge would involve reenacting scenes from Ghostbusters. I'm sorry. I meant it would involve setting up bridal shops and trying to make the most profit. The wedding industry is a $30 billion industry, Trump proclaimed. Doesn't he say that every episode? "The nail clipper industry is a $30 billion industry, as is the wiffle ball industry." He then added coyly that he's been to many weddings in his life, and someday, he'll get it right. Cut to crestfallen Melania awkwardly saying "Oh..." and then backing off into the shadows of oblivion.

Why does Maria look like someone punched her in the stomach?

Teams departed to view their retail space, and when Ivana arrived at the Apex shop, she exclaimed "We can totally use this space!" Uh, well, that's the point Ivana. She then pointed out that the front door totally opens and closes and would be PERFECT for letting people in and out of the shop. Team leader Chris meanwhile attempted to secure some vendors for the big bridal expo, but all he got was an earful of hostile attitude. I suppose that will happen when you call Just For Angry Shrews Bridal Shop.

Heading into the first commercial break, Chris nearly threw in the towel on the task, claiming that it was almost impossible. After a few words from our sponsors, we returned for Trump's obligatory Business 101 lesson. "Believe in yourself," he commanded. Great. Well, I guess Chris will be losing - not that Trump has any care about that. He spent a good portion of his little segment thinking about building names. "I like the name Trump Towers Chicago," he told some underling who had a look on his face like "Yeah yeah yeah. We get it. You like to name things after yourself."

Team Mosaic, with the help of bridal shop owner Sandy, seemed to be breezing through the mission. Young Andy joined Sandy on a quest to land some vendors. Together, Andy and Sandy formed the dynamic duo of... Sandy! Okay, I guess their names don't mix well (unless they were SandyAndy or Ansandy), but I digress. Andy was fairly useless as he tried to pull off a lame Honda/Ferrari metaphor which suitably alienated the vendor. Later Carolyn mocked him by saying "You've never done this before, have you?"

Back at Apex, Chris and Jen decided to get off their asses and actually try to meet some of the vendors, not that Chris looked too enthused to be doing it. Kevin and Ivana meanwhile found the wise Yoda of the bridal industry in Bernadette, a boutique owner who was more than happy to play the role of Sandy for the team. Still, even with Bernadette in their corner, it was clear that Mosaic would trample Apex. Somewhere in the middle of this mess, we cut to Sandy who was inexplicably sitting barefoot on a sidewalk in yoga clothes. I suppose she was teaching some street urchins the downward dog.

Sandy's team wasn't totally bulletproof though. Not only was their wedding expert lying around like a wino on the pavement, but they also had to contend with Maria and her supposed skills for marketing. Unfortunately for Mosaic, the cornerstone of Maria's publicity campaign seemed to be blinking... a lot. Surely it wasn't the email she sent out to 23,000 future brides because as we soon found out, that ad didn't feature some important things like, you know, a phone number. Also contributing to the shaky Mosaic team was Wes who barreled down the streets of Manhattan as if he were playing Grand Theft Auto. By the end of the first half an hour, he had crashed into one pickup truck and managed to have knocked over all the wedding dresses. It was all part of Wes's plan to give the gowns that tattered chic look that's so popular these days.

The next morning, while Maria tried on wedding dresses (she's such an asset!), her opposing team ventured off to Penn Station and Grand Central to distribute leaflets about their wedding sale. Yes, it was a brilliant move because so many brides-to-be hang out in train depots. I also would have recommended the city junkyard and under as many highway overpasses as possible.

Later that afternoon, after the big promotional pushes for both teams had run their courses, it was time to open the doors to the public. Kelly & Co. welcomed throngs of women into the store while Ivana, dressed like she was ready to hit a luau later that night, greeted only two ladies at the door. In case there was any doubt before, it was now completely obvious that Mosaic would be dominating this challenge. Besides, Maria had taken out her elephantine brooch, so we knew all would be well. I believe the rule was "Buy a dress or we'll feed you to Maria's flower."

Nevertheless, after all the selling had come to an end, the teams returned to the boardroom to hear the results. Maria asserted an icy chill over the room as she curiously stood over all the other sitting candidates and exuded a "DIE! DIE! DIE!" vibe. At least she had a sassy, arch-villain collar to match her bitter scowl. Her anger soon melted away though as we learned that Team Mosaic had trounced Apex $12,000 to $1,000. As a reward, Trump ferreted Mosaic off to Graff jewelers where they met Melania who endeavored to ALMOST say something.

Back at Trump Towers though, Chris and his cronies faced the wrath of The Donald. Chris at first claimed the other team had an unfair advantage because they had Sandy. This of course caused Carolyn to tilt her head, a gesture that's reminiscent of a cobra flattening its neck before attacking. Sure enough, she came full charge, reminding Chris that he did in fact have Fairy Godmother Bernadette to help him out. Trump and George agreed, although Trump was kind enough to note that Chris's accent made him feel at home. He then added that he wished Chris would simply embrace him and hold him tight and tell him that everything was going to be okay.

Later, Trump asked Ivana what the deal with Chris was. "Chris is very good at identifying problems," she responded. Ha, and by "identifying problems", she clearly meant "complaining." Ivana then went on to say "And when I say that, I mean he's really good at complaining." Uh, wait. Ivana stole my line. God, I hate her.

As can be expected, Chris ultimately got the boot. It was such a no-brainer that Donald and his sidekicks didn't even share a post-termination comment like "That was easy" or "That was hard." For now we'll have to look forward to next week when Maria apparently goes ballistic (Yes!) and other candidates strip down for a scantily clad photo shoot. You know, the type that happens every day in business. Anyone?

UPDATE: By request, here is Maria in her hot pink bikini.

Posted by at 3:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Sometimes I have to remind myself that the OC is actually in its second season. The story has moved along, but aren't we kind of at square one? (Speaking of square one, did anybody else love Mathnet as a kid?) Sandy has pulled Ryan out of Chino. Seth is fixated on comics and not real girls. Julie Cooper's husband is under investigation. Summer wishes Seth did not exist, and Marissa is once again drinking the problems of her home life under the table. Am I missing something here?This is supposed to be progress? OK, OK, there has been some progress. I am almost positive that the writers aren't going to try and fit Oliver into any more episodes, so it means I am free to enjoy the entire season, no matter what it might throw at me.

As I said before, Seth is fixated on comics. He never really was unfixated or disfixated, or whatever, but when he was busy trying to tap that hot Summer Roberts ass, he at least had something else to preoccupy his thoughts. Luckily, he has Ryan to give him some advice. I always love it when the OC gives us a nice "Hey!" even before the credits roll, and this was one of those weeks. The writers never pass a chance to be overly ironic and self-reflexive and they take the bait once again when Seth asks Ryan if he just expects to say "Hey!" and have Marissa "Hey!" him right back. Hmm, I thought I was going to make fun of the Hey joke for a long time, but now that the writers have mentioned it, it is now sort of pedestrian. But if there aren't anymore emo or indie songs to make fun of, I don't know what I will do.

It turns out that I am not the only person who is wondering how much things have changed. Ryan and Seth get a ride to school from the contractor. Caleb Nichol's money was good enough to buy a new mustang for Marissa, but there isn't enough money for something for Seth? Maybe Seth left for Portland because his parents wouldn't get him a car? Anyway, as the two arrive, they see none other than Marissa and Summer. It's quite the scene, considering the two girls had no idea that their former love interests were going to be in school, and Summer wasn't sure Seth was even in the same state. I guess Marissa conveniently stopped visiting the Cohen's house to stare longingly inside Ryan's pool house just as the two arrived from their respective exiles. Marissa is thrilled to see Ryan, but we can't say the same about Summer and Seth. Summer tells him that she has a new boyfriend, but maybe she'll write a letter and let Seth stare and wonder what it means for three months. Slam!

Now I have seen some awkward segues in my time watching television, but the OC really pulled off a great non-sequitor this time. Summer is driving Marissa home to pick up her car, which begs the question why she left it home in the first place. Oh, I know, it's because they want to conveniently have the audience take a note of the yard guy, DJ, who is blocking Marissa's car. As Marissa is freshening up for her little after-school rendezvous with Ryan (he wants to fill her in as to why he isn't staying with the girl he knocked up), DJ appears in the doorway. Previously, I had wondered aloud if DJ was actually a fed, which would give a him good reason for staring at the jailbait all day. Well, a better reason for him to stare all day would be because he has been parking his truck in the driveway all summer long, so to speak. Yes, DJ and Marissa started kissing, and as m_ruv would say, displayed some of the hottest corpse on corpse action we will see all year.

At school, Ryan and Seth are trying to assimilate. For Ryan, his guidance counselor asks him if he has thought about college. By the way, to make up for any people out there that would suggest that television show is full of too many white people, we have the patented OC minority in authority position role. Dr. Kim is the asian that runs the school and Ms. Fisher is the black guidance counselor that grooms the students. The producers must be so proud of themselves. Participation for Seth, post-summer, is to reprise his role as a prominent member of the Harbor School club scene. You know, Comic Book Club, Sailing Club, etc., etic. Luckily for him, he now can drag Ryan to any meetings of any clubs he is in. It's not like Ryan is going to drive home without him, right? At the first meeting, as the boys ponder their solitary existence, another person unexpectedly shows up, and is actually interested in the club, and actually knows comics. Almost like the love child of the Seth and Luke. It turns out that the new friend is too good to be true. No, not because he is on the water polo team and wants to kick Seth's ass by default, but because he happens to be Zach, Summer's new boyfriend. He really is a buffer, better looking, waspy version of Seth.

As for his little after school special, Ryan visited Marissa at her new mansion, made small talk about such unimportant things such as miscarriages and kissed by the pool. The kiss wouldn't have been any big deal, except that DJ was watching, and you know that some shor, poor kid is not going to be standing around while another short, poor kid gets in on his woman. But Ryan and Marissa are not the only people feeling the love troubles. We learn Haley went to UC Santa Cruz, surely looking for the man of her dreams, but dropped out. Her roommate, however, went on to bigger and better things and is starting a clothing line in Japan. This makes it hard for her to imagine how she could live with Jimmy on his boat. Japan being an archipelago, I can't think of why it makes it difficult. Sure, he will be thousands of miles away from his kids, but you can get a fiber internet connection straight to your house in Japan, which has to outweigh any other tradeoffs, right? Well, to try and convince her to stay, Jimmy asks her to marry him, which gives a great excuse for Amanda Righette to come back if North Shore sucks at its time slot. Perhaps now that Jimmy has a bunch of free time, he will try that restaurant thing again in the near future.

But that is not all. That same evening, Ryan goes over to talk to Summer. Their banter isn't great, but it is way above the level of Marissa/Summer earlier in the episode. Ryan tries to convince her to take Seth back, but she is obviously too hurt to continue on much longer. On his way back, Ryan stops off at Marissa's house, and pulls up to the driveway in just enough time to see her kissing DJ, who earlier accused her of not acknowledging him. Ryan drives off, but I wonder just exactly what he was thinking would happen. Marissa broke up with Luke to be with Ryan, but she got bored enough with him that she started seeing a complete douchebag, Oliver. Why did he think that Marissa was going to save herself until he returned? On the other hand, she is usually drunk when it happens, so maybe she wants to forget about it.

If there is anything that can make everything better, it is a carnival on the Santa Monica pier. It was, afterall, where Ryan and Marissa had their first kiss. There are plenty of people around, and we know how Seth loves to proclaim his affections for all to hear. Perhaps that first the kiss wasn't magical enough, because Ryan and Marissa can't even decide if they want to be friends. Seth fails at his attempt to win Summer over with another shout of "I love you" on a food dispenser (this time, a hot dog stand), and similarly fails when he tries to get in the way of Zach's car when she decides to leave the festivities. She confronts him, and asks him what he wants from her. He says "I only want you", but Summer is not falling for it again. Reminds him that he had her at Chrismukkah in a Wonder Woman costume, and he chose Anna. He had her three months ago, but he chose to run away. She says that Seth is not in it for her, but for the chase, because he only seems to want her when he can't have her. As always, these two provide some of the best chemistry on the show.

So, no Seth and Summer, no Ryan and Marissa, no Haley and Jimmy. We see Kirsten and Sandy are the only ones staying together, because Caleb is shown the couch when he tells Julie that he is under investigation. At least he can look on the bright side, because there's nothing better than conjugal visit sex. The show ends with the feds putting Caleb in cuffs, and reluctantly, Sandy offers to be Caleb's lawyer, knowing that keeping Caleb out of jail may be the only thing that can keep his family together.

Posted by at 2:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Although I am enjoying this season of Smallville, sometimes I wonder about the writers and their train of thought. I mean, I am not one to pass judgment about fixating promiscuous young women (after a season of Buffy and Riley and Buffy and Spike, I am immune), but it's like the show just received an influx of writers used to writing for films with names like Passion Designer and A Midsummer Night's Cream One thing I do like is the expanded role of the ancestors of Krypton in the form of ancient myths from Europe, Africa, and South America. I generally like the way Smallville has expanded the Superverse, as it gives those of us who haven't had the opportunity to follow the comics as much as we like (or at all) to get a taste of some of the other characters. Personally, I am waiting for them to introduce Gus Gorman, played by Richard Pryor in Superman III, but I may be the only one hoping for that.

A lot of the early part of this season has centered on the walls of the cave in Smallville with all of the Kryptonian symbols. So far, we know that there are three stones that are said to hold great power and whoever possesses them will have a wealth of knowledge previously unknown to any person alive. Clark has one stone already inside the cave. He stole it from Lex, who was digging up some things in Egypt. We know the location of a second stone, the one that means water or transference. Lionel used it to temporarily switch bodies with Clark, and it is know in the hands Bridgette Crosby of the Swann Institute. Lana has the same symbol on the transference stone tattooed on her body thanks, it seems, to an old relative, who was burned at the stake in France for being a witch, and that is how we start off this week.

We have a flashback to 1604, and although French Catholics were mostly busy ridding themselves of those crazy Protestants at the time, who can't find some time to burn a few witches at the stake? Lana's ancestor, the Countess Isabella Thoureau(also played by Kristin Kreuk) was just about to get burned at the stake along with two of her accomplices. Somehow, somebody had taken their book of spells, so of course the were powerless. Before you execute anybody, you have to give them one last chance to live, and that is the case here as the mayor or whoever is ordering the immolation asks Isabella one more time about her witchcraft. Isabella sees that he has the book and wants to know about the "three stones of power". She casts a spell, which places the now familiar tattoo on her back, and then spits some blood on the book. The mayor, having enough, orders the peasants (who sound more Piker than they do French) light the pyres, and the flames engulf the witches. Isabella is cackling hysterically, so you know that it's going to take more than burning her alive to get rid of her for good.

Back in more recent times, Jason and Lana are enjoying some time to themselves. Poor Jason, he loses his job at the Smallville High, and now the only thing occupying his time is this hot 18 year old piece of ass he's living with. Lana has been researching the Countess, after all that happened to her in France, and used all of her money to buy the Countess' manuscript off of eBay, which is better than the generic used book salesman shows usually drag out when they usually have to find an ancient text. Lana opens the book and finds the page with the blood. She touches the blood, and we can see that when Isabella spat on the book in the first place, it was the final step in a transference spell. Isabella takes over Lana's body, and begins to go to work on whatever she had planned 400 years ago, and she has her powerful book to help her.

Isabella is mixing up some sort of potion, and the next ingredient just happens to be the hair from two virgins. (Why do so many spells need body parts or blood of virgins?) She takes a tug from Lana, inspects it, and decides that Lana has been a very good girls and can use her hair. I was wondering what else besides a summer in Paris it would take for Jason to get in her pants. At that moment, Chloe and Lois walk in. Lois is in town planning Chloe's surprise 18th birthday party. Clark's parents are out of town, so they are having the party in his barn. Just in case you were wondering if it could get any more like Risky Business, we learn that a recruiter from Princeton is coming over to talk with Clark. Nothing bad can come of this, especially with Lois at the help. Anyway, Isabella grabs some of Lois' hair and is disgusted. Apparently Lois gets around, because she doesn't have virgin hair, and Isabella must seek out another virgin's locks.

Although Chloe is just outside, isabella decides to head to the Kent farm. Clark is busy wrapping Chloe's present, and doing a packaging job no blind man would be proud of, when Isabella walks in. Clark is still under the belief that Lana is upset with him because Jason was fired, but Isabella has no interest in those details of course. She tries to cut Clark's hair, but it breaks her scissors. After explaining she wanted a lock of hair for a scrapbook for Chloe, Clark said she only has to ask, and gives her a strand of his hair. The next ingredient on the list is a fine wine, and so Isabella visits Lex, saying she needs a wine to toast to Chloe. Lex is still hot for Lana, so he finds a nice turn of the (twentieth) century vintage for her. While there, Isabella notices Lex's little piece of parchment containing the map. She knows what is hidden, knows that Lex must not have it, and destroys the manuscript. When Lex objects, he tells him to practice some piano, and so he suddenly has the urge to play Schubert.

With her spell now made Isabella turns her attention to resurrecting her old mates. Thankfully, Lana has two close friends that are more than happy to join her out in the middle of the woods with no questions asked whatsoever. Isabella gives Chloe and Lois her potion, and they suddenly transform into Madeline and Brianna. Brianna(in Lois' body) is happy to be alive and right away notices that she now has huge boobs, which excites her so much, she has to feel herself up for a little while to get a sense of them. Madeline is happy to be back in the woods of France, but is quite surprised when she is told she is in Kansas, especially since she didn't know that Kansas existed.

So, after you have been cooped up for 400 years, what is the first thing on your mind? A high school birthday party? That's what I would have said. The girls crash Chloe's party, and when everybody sees how skankily they are dressed, people are very excited. Now, I know what you are thinking. What does a slut from the 17th century look like? A dress that shows a bare ankle perhaps? No, our girls are thoroughly with the times. Somewhere between leaving the woods, getting changed, and arriving at the party, they were able to catch The Craft on DVD, because they have the slut-witch look going on perfectly, right down to the knee-high leather boots. Isabella has no interest in Jason, so she blows him off when he wants to talk to Lana. All three of the witches are bored with the party, so they use their magic to transform the party into a bunch of teenagers dancing around in their underwear or with their shirts off. Hey, that's my idea of a perfect party, but I am not sure that is what I would have thought some women from post-reformation France would have had in mind. I guess when you find yourself 400 years in the future, you take on some of the tastes of the body you inhabit, which explains why they decided on some Gwen Stefani as their anthem.

The aftermath of the party is not so good. The man from Princeton, Mr. Jacobs, came just as the kids were taking their clothes off. I don't know if the party would have send him away, but surely the sight of Clark dancing gave him an impression to last a lifetime. I am not sure if Mr. Welling was only acting that Clark sucked at dancing, but he would have made Elaine Benes look like Baryshnikov in comparison. Clark understands how important the interview was, so he goes to ask Lex if there is anything he can do about it. Lex is preoccupied with his piano. Isabella's spell had him playing piano until his fingers bled, literally. Finally, Clark realizes that something has happened, and he must do something about it, but he is not the only one. Jason has seen enough of Isabella, and threatens to burn the book if she doesn't let Lana back. She attempts to kill Jason, but he is saved when Clark comes in to check on Lana. Now knowing what she is up against, Isabella tells Clark to meet her in the barn at midnight.

In the barn, Isabella, Madeline, and Brianna try a few different ways to kill Clark. They see his abilities and confuse them for magicks, and believe he is a sorcerer. Isabella takes his power and they string him up, but not before removing his shirt. These are really horny witches, you must understand. Madeline claws Clark, who can now bleed, but Isabella says to spare him. She senses he knows about the stones of power, and has even touched one. As they try and get some information from Clark, he refuses to answer, but Isabella senses something else. "This body I inhabit. You desire it. And it has desires for you as well," she says. With this, she kisses Clark, and his breath gives away the answer against his will, letting them know that the cave is where they want to be. I am sure that this kiss is what inspired Clark to learn the amnesia kiss that he uses on Lois in a couple of those Superman movies.

As the girls leave, Jason enters the barn. Now that Clark saved his life, he is slightly less bitter about losing his job, and lets Clark down. When he fills Clark in on the details, Clark acts almost surprised, wondering how it is possible somebody has inhabited her body. It's not like it didn't happen to him just a couple of episodes ago. Clark says they should split up, and sends Jason to the school, knowing that he can't let Jason in on the secret of the caves. He does learn that Isabella's power comes from her book, and that it must be destroyed if they are going to get Lana back. Inside the cave, Isabella and her crew are about to do some crazy mojo, with what I don't know. They need the three stones of power, but only have one, so I don't know why they aren't scouring the world for it. Still, I am unsure what Clark thinks he is going to do when he sees the trio. It's not like his powers are going to magically reappear and he can use his heat vision to burn the book while it is still in Isabella's hands. Actually, that is exactly what happens. Conveniently, when Isabella touches the stone, Clark gets all his powers back. I am not sure why it happened like that since Margot Kidder has the transference stone, but I guess I can believe that happened. Once the book is burned, everybody is knocked unconscious, and when they wake up, they are all left wondering why they are in a cave and dressed like some pagan prostitutes.

His work done, Clark sleeps late the next morning, knowing that he is going to get hell from his parents. When he is getting some orange juice, his father walks in from cleaning the barn, holds up a lacy red bra, and asks Clark to explain. "It was magic" says Clark, to which Martha says "I am sure it was", probably thinking he got some play with one of the cheerleaders. The rest of Clark's explanation sounds phony, and the Kents laugh at the thought of somebody doing a bunch of magical spells. When did they become such skeptics in the universe? They have come to grips with a baby that landed in an alien craft in the middle of a meteor storm, but can't believe somebody could conjure up a spell to get some kids naked? Later, as Clark is cleaning up the barn he finds a pair of matching red panties and takes perhaps a little bit too long staring at them, when Lana walks in to apologize for her behavior the day before(probably glad it wasn't her panties Clark had such an interest in), and for accusing Clark of trying to sabotage her relationship. Lex had earlier confessed to blowing the whistle on her relationship, and she told Lex that she is old enough to decide who she wants in and out, of her life.

Clark says he understands that she loves Jason and knows that he did things when they were together that pushed her away. Lana once again makes an effort to reach out to Clark, telling him the whole story of the symbol and how it appeared on her back and how it was on the cave walls. She knows that Clark spends a lot of time in the caves, and knows a lot about what goes on in there. With another chance to come clean to another person about what he knows about the caves, he lies and says he has no idea what the symbol on Lana's back means.

Posted by at 12:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

November sweeps are here which means it is time to inundate the airwaves with big, BIG ideas. CSI:Miami had their tidal wave. Fox has both a Big Fat Obnoxious Boss and an insanely charming British Billionaire. So of course NBC has to toss more than Tara Reids fun bags on Scrubs in the mix.

In their never-ending quest not to be out done by TV executives with good ideas, NBC has thrown their hat into the "Long Con" format in the form of THE $25 MILLION DOLLAR HOAX. Sounds exciting doesn't it? I mean it’s not just a hoax; it’s a $25 million dollar hoax. And they even dug up Ed McMahon for the premiere episode!!
Man he looks good

So, with such stellar hope and hype for the show, why didn't it....well, why didn't it not suck?

What it amounts to is simple really. NBC is creatively bankrupt and desperate. However, financially, they are anything but bankrupt and can afford to pay absurd amount of money for anything they feel is in the vein of what is hip and trendy even if it just misses.

My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé was clearly the father of the network long con. It was a new way in to the old "Bachelor concept. What happens when the show is over and it's time for the families to meet their seeds new love? More specifically, what happens when they hate him, and they are engaged?

This is hysterical!!! Great concept, great casting of the fiancé and even better casting of an uptight conservative loving family. It also was a little cruel. However the cruelty was offset by the humor of the situations the fiancé would get into, making it more than tolerable...enjoyable.

In HOAX however, it’s just brutal. It's a fun concept. What if you could convince your parents you have already won at least $5,000,000 and possibly $50,000,000 but you can only spend the cash on yourself? Interesting concept. I can see the appeal. Hell, I got a little pudgy from the promos. But the execution...brutal.

Not only is this woman lying to her whole family. Not only are they forced to watch as the loving daughter/sister they know and love blows them off, but NBC has written in really mean characters meant to insult the family and their interests at every turn.

The con is fantastic! It is an effective, compelling lie with a huge budget behind it, making it quit believable. Which sucks. This family really thinks they have just won at least 5 Million bucks!!! When they find out it is a lie and all they are getting is cash and prizes worth almost $400,000 they will be crushed.

Let's go over that for a moment. Cash and prizes worth almost $400K. That means less than $400K and that’s in cash AND prizes. Cash could be nothing. Let’s assume it is $400,000. We will say $200k in cash $200K in prizes. Half the cash is gone to taxes. That leaves $100k and $200k in prizes. Oh and don't forget that one must pay taxes on any and all gifts earned on game shows (which this is). So that $100k remaining should cover the takes on $200k worth of gifts. So now we are looking at about $50,000 and a bunch of NBC UNIVERSAL swag. *maybe even an appearance on the TODAY SHOW.

I wouldn't scoff at that by any means. $50,000 cash, some extra stuff to put on eBay and the opportunity to touch Katie Couric and not get arrested would be great for 5 days of work. My problem comes at how much shit the family has to go through to get it. And how misleading the shows title is to all of us, and how unfunny the concept is.

It’s just Big Fat and Obnoxious. It is missing the Funny Fiancé to keep it together, without him, its just mean.

Mean I am no stranger too, I mean...look around some classic TVgasm posts and you'll know. But mean and lame? well that I have a problem with. The bar is set by some of these networks and should met and surpassed, not limbo'd under.

If this column is more earnest than many of you expect from me, you should know....Im constipated.

FIN

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 2:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Shavonda: shut up. Honestly, I don't think I can take another episode filled with your shrill voice, bitchy comments, prudish observations, and mannish chin. Please go get laryngitis, or at least make like Karamo and become interesting (that will guarantee you no screen time).

Alas, I feel like my pleas are falling on deaf ears - and not just because I'm talking to a character on my television. Despite the glimmer of hope that was Karamo, this season we've learned that even the most interesting cast members of The Real World will always take a backseat to shrill, hot-tempered girls who yell at people. Shavonda brings absolutely nothing to the reality table - and let's face it, that's not a hard table to bring things to - and yet she still manages to dominate most episodes with her partner in boring crime, Landon. It kind of makes me pine for the good old days of Sarah/MJ drama, or at least Willie and Diana.

Bunim/Murray cut to the chase last night, not wasting any time in revealing that this thirty minutes would in fact be completely useless. After some casual B-Roll of Philly, we descended on Shavonda going at it with her sadsack pseudo-boyfriend, Shaun. Memo to The Real World: last time I checked, Shaun wasn't a cast member, so please stop giving him so much airtime. This of course leads me to my latest Bunim/Murray demand: do not cast people with boyfriends and girlfriends. It only leads to interminable phone scenes involving fighting (we don't care) or cheesy cooing (we REALLY don't care). Let's just keep all the drama contained to the cast and the various fame-seekers they attract to the mansion.

Nevertheless, Shavonda continued to reel from Cuddlegate 2004 at the outset of last night's episode. For those of you needing an update on this crisis, Shaun had gone out of state to help his ex-girlfriend move, thus resulting in a Cuddle Card from Shavonda that went unopened. Oh, the tragedy! Well, there's no reason why this critical impasse should ever be handled with grace and open communication; so the couple set out on the thankless task of Shavonda berating Shaun and Shaun replying with various contritious remarks like "I'm so sorry" and "I feel so terrible" and "I'm a huge, HUGE pussy."

Meanwhile, bovine t-shirt fan Landon asked Shavonda to use the phone because his sister was trying to reach him. Uh, helllloooo? Shavonda needs to screetch and scowl and squirm on the floor with Shaun for three more hours. What is this "sister" thing anyway? Since when is family more important than Shavonda's cuddle card crisis? Actually, Shavonda's true words were "There were other times this week when the phone rang and you could have answered it. I'm f--king sorry!" Great logic, Shavonda. Paging Columbia Law School. We got a new lawyah for you! Meanwhile, Landon's sister was probably calling to say that she had her legs amputated or something.

Nursing his wounds from the phone incident, Landon retreated to MJ who was looking red and shiny and generally smelly. I think we can officially say that MJ is the most sweaty, oily cast member in franchise history. Nevertheless, Landon moped about the phone, commenting that Shavonda is such a sweetheart. So true. When she says "F--k off!" or "No, you can't f--king talk to your sister, you f--king piece of shit, asshole," you can't help but wish more girls could be as sugary sweet as her.

Elsewhere in the episode, Shavonda was STILL on the phone. Dammit, can we move on from this? Can we see anything else? I mean, I'd settle for Melanie watering plants at this point, or even Sarah babbling about her sexual conquests to a bum on the street. But no, neither of these options were nearly as captivating to Bunim/Murray as watching Shaun on the video phone. "I almost feel like you did this on purpose," Shavonda complained, regarding the whole ex-girlfriend thing. You think, Captain Obvious? You only broke up with him to hook up with your roommate. I'm sure that would NEVER cause him to retaliate passive aggressively.

Finally, the cameras ceased their love affair with Shavonda and her emo-rocker boyfriend to focus on the more cringe-inducing site of MJ sleeping in the fetal position. While he percolated in all his bodily oils, Sarah and MJ's friend fixed a nice little breakfast for him. Turns out it was his 24th birthday, an emotional day frought with all sorts of Prince of Tides childhood trauma. You see, when MJ was just a young pup, he had a big birthday party at a rollerskating rink. The only problem was that only five kids showed up. LOSER. Anyway, Sarah was determined to erase all dark memories from MJ's past by serving him some eggs with a side of vagina. Well, that last item was off the menu, but I'm sure it was available by request.

With his spirits high, MJ revealed to us his alter ego. Good god. What is with this cast? That's three people with alter egos now, and that doesn't even include Karamo. Anyway, MJ's other identity was titled "Moojah Star" and no, that wasn't based on some long lost Toots and the Maytails LP. Instead it was the uncreative byproduct of MJ's name and the star tattoo on his back. I don't get it either.

MJ Day continued as a gift from Ma and Pa arrived. The roomies gathered around anxiously as MJ tore open what appeared to be a box from Office Max. Oooh, maybe he got some manilla envelopes. He LOVES those. Or maybe a variety of staplers and binders. Wow, Office Max really is the Harry & David of desk supplies!

Actually, the box contained just a bunch of knick knacks, including a little sleeping mask. Melanie piped up with a "Your parents are so cute!" which was followed by "My parents would never, NEVER send such tchotchke gifts, but I think it's great that yours did!" Regarding the sleeping mask, Melanie became very DIY Network and suggested, "We can write Moojah on it!" which is only mildly less amusing than "I am a douchebag."

Later that night, the group went out to dinner for MJ's birthday where Landon sat apart from the group and gazed off into the night. Part of me really wanted him to turn around and say "Oh, there you guys are! I didn't see you! Silly me." But instead Bunim/Murray showcased a more intimate moment as they tried to really capture what was going on in Landon's dullard head. Cut to a shot of Shavonda's face lovingly superimposed over fireworks. So he wants to explode her face? Okay okay, I'm not an idiot. The fireworks represent the, uh, fireworks between Shavonda and Landon. THANKS MTV. I didn't get that!

As the party rolled on, Landon, MJ and MJ's friend ambled over to a Coyote Ugly type bar filled with drunken girls wearing ironic statement tank tops. You know the types: "Bad girl" or "I'm a virgin. (This shirt is really old)" or "I am a huge slut trying to be coy with my beater." Standard fare really.

With pyrotechnic images of Shavonda long gone, Landon nabbed one of these bartop floozies and brought her back to the mansion. The two made a bee line for the hot tub while MJ stripped down to his skivvies, donned a cape, and paraded around the house like the gay icon we knew he could always be. He explained that this was Moojah Star. God, shut up already.

While Moojah Star fought Moojah Crime by showing off his Moojah Unit, Landon and random girl took their bidness to the showers where some steamy hand-on-misty-glass images conjured up unnecessary Titanic memories. Moojah Star, in his continuing quest for justice and a boner, poked his head into the shower and watched the two do whatever they were doing. It was a very Jacquese moment filled with accompanying giggles, and I couldn't help thinking that the two would make a great Bunim/Murray superhero team: Moojah Star and Ja Ja. Their mission: to make sure that no hookup goes un-spied on.

Enjoying the activies far less was... Shavonda! SHOCKER. Speaking a mile a minute per usual, Shavonda head bobbed her way through a diatribe about the diseases Landon's girl has now brought into the shower, noting that no one knows where her mouth has been. This led me to wonder if the girl was making out with the shower head or something. (Why these accusations were never targetted at Sarah is beyond me). Of course, if Shavonda sounds like a broken record, don't worry, it's not your ears playing tricks on you. These were the same charges leveled by Cameran at Brad in San Diego, Arissa at Alton in Las Vegas, and everyone at Theo in Chicago - just to name a few. Apparently Real Worlders have a real hot tub disease control problem. Must be all that rampant sluttiness and stupidity running around.

Anyway, transparently jealous Shavonda announced that she would not be sleeping in Landon's bed anymore. Consider this Cuddle Card rescinded! Instead, Shavonda settled in on the couch, which led me to wonder if she even had a bed in the first place. Is she even a cast member?

The next morning Sarah confessed to the camera that she could never have sex in the bathroom. And by "could never", she clearly meant "dammit, will someone please have sex with me? I'll do it in the bathroom for crying out loud!" Shavonda meanwhile continued her rant on Landon, saying he was "combatative" (or "combative" as it's known in proper English) with her because she rejected him. Yes, that's it exactly. Shavonda rejected him and now he's combative as evidenced by... her being combative? Later, in a phone call with - ugh - Shaun, she emphasized that Landon was "short and sarcastic" as opposed to the "bitchy and annoying" traits that she so prides herself in having.

Then to the inexpliquable score of a New Orleans dixie band tune, a bouquet of roses - and Willie! - showed up at the mansion. Of course the gay guy appears when flowers are at the door. Way to go with the stereotype, Willie. "They're so beautiful," he crowed at the anemic floral arrangement. With gratuitous attention being lavished upon her and a new target for her rage in the form of Landon, Shavonda was as happy as a clam - a loud and abrasive clam - and announced that everything was just so super fantastic with her and Shaun. That's great. Please go away now.

The episode ended with Shavonda back in Landon's bed (well, that protest worked out real well), lauding the wonders of Shaun. He takes care of me, she noted. "Lots of guys can do that, just to let you know," Landon responded passive aggressively.

You two are annoying, just to let you know.

Posted by at 2:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

If there is one almost universal rule in sports and competition, it is that people always seem to love the underdog. Look at baseball, where the Red Sox came from behind 3-0 on their arch rivals the Yankees just to get to the World Series. I don't care if you believe Boston had the better team, if your rival has picked up 26 championships in between your last two championship wins, you are the underdog. I root for the underdog whenever I watch other competitions as well. Wouldn't you just love it if somebody actually beat Takeru Kobayashi in a hot dog eating contest? Similarly, on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge, wouldn't you love to see somebody other than Coral, Rachel, and Veronica make it to the end?

The last few Battle of the Seasons/Sexes have had some of the best examples of underdogs yet. Remember Sarah during The Gauntet? Her cast mates hated her on Campus Crawl, and Rachel and Darrell were there to spread the hate among everybody else, just in case they were thinking of forming their own opinion about her. Let's face it, Sarah was probably way to intelligent and not camera hungry enough to last among the other Bunim/Murray glitterati, but it was great to watch her get sent back to the gauntlet and return almost every time. It was a nice f--- you to all of the bullies. I wouldn't normally qualify Katie as an underdog, because she has used her MTV celebrity to get a Playboy spread, and she doesn't exactly shy away from confrontation, but on The Inferno, I loved watching as her teammates plotted against her, but she always foiled there plans.

In this grand tradition we come to Battle of the Sexes 2, and the underdogs have already taken a beating. Cameran and Kina didn't even put up a fight, it seems, but Ayanna did and was tossed unceremoniously last week. Still, there are plenty of people left that we consider underdogs, and so we still hold out hope. Some may wonder why I haven't mentioned any guys names yet. There aren't too many guys that are simply thrown out because people don't like them, at least if we ignore the David and Puck fiasco from last season. Cyrus was kind of an underdog during The Inferno, but to really enjoy nonsensical arguments for voting people off, you have to listen to the women of Bunim/Murray.

If people were wondering what it is about the guys team that makes them successful, we only had to look at the opening montage of this week's show. The guys are all working out, trying to stay in good shape, perhaps because the girls aren't giving them enough of a workout during the challenges. The girls, on the other hand, walk lie around and wonder what is wrong. I thought they would at least be congratulating themselves for voting out their hardest working player the week before. The only one of the guys who is as lazy is Derrick, but he is also always drunk, so at least he has an excuse. Everybody is talking about Derrick, and how he is a great competitor, but doesn't have focus, which means he is the number one target for getting voted off this week. We also learn that Angela can't make friends, at least with the girls. She does find a comforting shoulder in the form of Frank, from Las Vegas. Angela is so happy, and believes Frank is such a wonderful guy because he is the only one who will listen to her. Actually, Frank is the only person who doesn't notice how self-absorbed Angela is, and she is the only person that isn't bored by him in five minutes. Thus, the perfect match.

We get a reminder of the oh so subtle product placement, when the teams get their marching orders for the next day. These stupid reminders serve for no other reason than get a Verizon telephone on screen. There never is anything of substance in the message, and the players always act like it was somebody important and far away giving them the message. Well, actually, it is probably just a PA on the side that is working with the camera crew that is about five feet away. As always, they are told to "wear your bathing suit", which gets a huge groan from the women, as if they didn't know they would be in their bathing suits 90% of their time on the show.

This week's competition is called "The Junk Boat" and gives our competitors a chance to test out their engineering mettle. The two teams are given a pile of junk, and they have to collect pieces from junk and fashion them into some sort of floating structure. This device has to be sturdy enough to take two groups of seven people out around a buoy in the lake and back. There is no pause to between building the boat and racing in the water, so speed and efficiency building the boat is important.

I didn't have much confidence in the girls winning this challenge. It's not that I didn't think they had the intelligence to build a boat, it's just that I thought that they would find a way to bicker amongst themselves and lose. Some of the girls were betting on this happening as well. When it came time to choose a leader, Robin and Ruthie volunteered right away. Nobody wanted to be the third leader, and who can blame them? The women haven't exactly kicked ass in any of the challenges, so being a leader means you have a 33% chance of going home. With this in mind, Coral suggested that Angela be a leader. It was perhaps one of the most transparent attempts of strategy I have ever seen. The girls expected to lose, so they wanted somebody they didn't like as a leader. Coral tried to come up with the lame excuse that Angela "is good at puzzles", and Angela decided to go ahead and be leader, despite telling people she had no clue what was going on and didn't think it would work out well. Angela knew what was going to happen, and she soon said that she didn't feel comfortable being leader and she thought somebody else would be better at it.

All of the girls were really upset, especially Rachel. Rachel hates underdogs. As a post-op transsexual that is also a lesbian, you wonder why she doesn't feel any empathy towards people who are marginalized. She goes on about how Angela sucks and how come she backed out of being a leader. Umm, maybe because she never thought she would be a good one in the first place, and the team wanted her to lead so they could lose and get rid of her? Veronica took Angela's place among the leaders, and the guys picked Derrick, The Miz, and Randy.

When it came time to pick the parts, Derrick got a penalty. There was a rule that prevented the teams from building their rafts before all of the parts gathered, and so the guys lost one turn at picking parts. Still, I didn't think the girls would pull it off. Although they had an original idea about what they should build, after Derrick's penalty, they started picking some of the pieces the guys were using, for no other reason than the guys were using them. Perhaps it was an attempt to sabotage the other team from getting the pieces that they needed, who knows?

As the teams started building their rafts, I saw the first hopes that the girls could actually win. Their design for the raft was to make a small structure that floated on big foam cylinders. It worked out well, and the girls had something that floated and fit seven of the members in the water before the guys were even close to being done. As for the guys, they decided to make something much larger that floated on PVC pipe. It was going to hold a lot more weight and was larger, which the guys needed to fit on all at once, but it was so large and complicated, that it took a long time to build. Once in the water the raft held up, but the guys had trouble getting it moving in the water. The girls won easily, with both groups of seven competing their laps before the second guys team even got out halfway on their lap.

For the girls, the leaders decided they weren't going to get personal in who they decide to vote out, and would make their decision on performance. A novel idea, for sure, but relying on some sort of objective standard will surely mean that the entire girls team is going to hate their decision. Although Angela seemed like the likely choice, Ruthie, Robin, and Veronica decided that Cythia would have to go. Near the beginning of the show, she said she had no desire to be the leader, and would never be a leader, so people should get used to it. The girls decided that wasn't the type of attitude they wanted as they went forward, and to be honest, Cythia has been near the bottom in performance in most of the challenges. I could tell Veronica really wasn't up for this whole plan but without Coral or Rachel to back her up, she withered under the reasoning of Robin and the pragmatic Ruthie.

On Elimination Hill as the results were announced, Derrick took the news hard. He pulled his hoodie in so people couldn't see his tears. He thought that he showed enough for people to keep him around. I don't think Derrick was a bad choice to vote off. He did make the largest mistake among the leaders with his penalty, and that was how the guys were deciding who goes. At least they were consistent. You kind of have to feel for Derrick because he wears his emotions on his sleeve, and really wanted to be there, but take solace in the fact that he will be around for many more challenges in the future.

When Cythia was announced, the girls almost went into a fit. Although they were trying to play their anger off as some sort of love of Cynthia, they were really just upset that Angela wasn't gone. They even said they thought the decision was bullshit right on the hill. It was so intense, I thought Jonny Mosely would do an Ashlee Simpson jig to calm the air. OK, not that it really was going to happen, but imagine how funny that would be. The girls' anger continued as Cynthia was packing. Cynthia seemed to understand why she was voted off, and had no problem, but Tina and Aneesa had a huge problems with it. Everybody started talking about how dirty everything was getting and that they were going to start and play dirty as well. Aneesa told Cynthia she didn't understand why people would attack her for simply saying she didn't think she would be a good leader. Actually, it was Angela who said she didn't want to be a good leader, but did so anyway. Sure she backed out, but Cynthia said she never wanted to be a leader, and she said she stood by that statement. When Ruthie and Robin were just saying they were trying not to make it personal, Coral immediately took offense and once again tried to make the case why people should vote out Angela. She got pretty upset, so I think she was just sexually frustrated without Abram around. In any case, it looks like the coming weeks will be full of a litany of some of the greatest bitching we have seen in a long time. I am not sure if Angela is going to last, but I hope she sticks around long enough to get her teammates really pissed.

Posted by at 11:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I don't watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, and I probably never will. Luckily for us though, Michelle Collins at You Can't Make It Up does, and she's not afraid to admit it. Check out her minute by minute post of this week's two hour sobfest here.

I particularly enjoyed this passage:

7:21 p.m. Ty calls the fam and tells them they'll be picking up some "new duds" (I quote to indicate the douchebaginess of the word "duds") for the vacation they're going on. "It's a high class place, so you'll need a jacket. And don't worry... it's on me."

Cut to: The limo pulling up in front of a desolate, barren looking SEARS, somewhere near Fallujah or Tikrit, I forget. I wish I were kidding, but there is no humor to be found there. "It's a high class place".... hmm... in Ty-speak, looks like the family will be feasting on DQ Blizzards."

Posted by at 10:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Guest writer: Jennie.

For those not in the know, Desperate Housewives is the best thing to happen to dramatic, scripted, AND primetime programming in a long, long, long time.

In the season premiere, Mary Alice blew her brains out over a secret that we can only hope to uncover by the next round of sweeps. Now the women of Wisteria Lane are left behind to play detective while balancing their own suburbian lives. The In-Crowd includes sexy and sweet single mom Susan, picture of “perfection” Bree, career woman turned child wrangler Lynette, and beautiful but bored (while boning someone not her husband) Gabrielle. The outsiders are super slutty and super nip and tucked Edie and frumpy Mrs. Hubbard. Lucky for us, they fail to be seen this episode.

This week’s episode opens with Gabrielle arguing for a need for a maid with her mother-in-law, Mama Solis. You know, Selena’s killer. In a desperate attempt to maintain her maid service, Gabrielle seduces her husband. Unfortunately, one seduction over the six episodes is not enough to put a doubt to his suspicions to Gabrielle’s philandering.

The next day we find the whole gang at Paul the widower’s yard sale. He must ditch as much as possible before he makes Wisteria Lane, as well as Mary Alice, a distance memory. But not before dumping off his son, Zach, at a mental ward to keep him pumped full of drugs.

During the sale, Carlos and Mama Solis keep a close eye out for Gabrielle’s mister. As Carlos watches his wife get cozy with a neighbor, his mama stresses that Gabrielle wouldn’t be having an affair with someone she talks to in public. This tip will be very helpful with anyone with a suspicious mind.

To keep herself from turning suicidal, Lynette has decided to volunteer with helping out with the school play, “Little Red Riding Hood.” Her twins are playing the role of oak trees, and guest star Sharon Lawrence is playing the role of the big bad wolf, Maisy Gibbons. In the round one, Lynette and Maisy go head to head over the ending of the play. Maisy feels the wolf should die to be sensitive to the children, while Lynette feels the wolf should die like the original ending. God knows her wild boys can take it. However, since Lynette isn’t doing any “heaving lifting” with the play, her voice doesn’t count. Maisy wins.

Since she can’t break away for the usual mid-day booty call, Gabrielle has decided to join Bree for tea with her mother-in-law in tow. Bree is pleased to see how much quality time they spend together and wishes she had the same opportunity to be close with her own mother-in-law. (First reconcile with husband, then befriend his mother.) Gabrielle gets a twinge of jealousy when her boy toy, John, follows Bree’s daughter, Danielle, home and up to her room. Not to worry though, they are in the school’s abstinence club.

Susan the klutz is up to no good. She lectures her elderly neighbor on borrowing and returning. You see, last year Susan let her neighbor borrow two eggs, never to be returned. Since the neighbor still hasn’t returned the eggs, she must let Susan borrow her stick shift car. You know, because eggs and transmissions are the same thing.

Bree and Rex find themselves back at Dr. Goldfine’s office. The topic of today’s session: sex. Rex doesn’t like sex with Bree because she’s a robot in bed as well as out. The men suggest a sex surrogate to coach them in bed, which Bree naturally rejects. The last time I checked a surrogate was a substitute so my question is who would be having sex with whom?

The girls meet at Lynette’s house for poker, while the murderous mother-in-law knits away in the background. Gabrielle excuses herself and she warns, “It’s going to be a while.” No one seems to be concerned with her possible bowl problem, but maybe that’s another episode. She uses this opportunity to climb out a window, balance on logs, and hop a fence to grab a quick kiss from John who’s mowing the neighbor’s lawn. To think, she gave up modeling for this. Meanwhile, Mama Solis has decided to play Gabrielle’s poker hand. As it turns out, she’s quite good.

Lynette and Maisy. Round Two. Lynette has been promoted from stand by mom to costume seamstress. This gives her the needed voice to kill the big bad wolf. Lynette argues the power of democracy and voting, and the moms vote to let the wolf die. This would have been a great episode before the presidential election. Lynette wins.

Susan has managed to tail Paul to the mental institute that’s holding Zach. Funny how she made it all the way there without dropping the transmission. Maybe it really is just like riding a bike.

On the other side of town, Bree dines with Dr. Goldfine. Of course, after much persuading. A doctor would never socialize with clients. Dr. Goldfine offers the most obvious answer to Bree’s sex problems: she’s prude. On the defense, Bree goes into sooo much detail on how much she loves sex that I had to check to make sure my television wasn’t magically changed to Cinemax.

After pumping her friends dry, Carlos confesses to Gabrielle that his mother has a gambling problem. All too happy to learn of the juicy tidbit, Gabrielle takes mother to a buffet conveniently located in a casino. Mama Solis should have been suspicious at the mention of a buffet, where a model would never eat in public. Blinded by the casino, Mama Solis is just fine with hanging out while Gabrielle runs off to pick up a skirt she suddenly remembered.

Lynette and Maisy. Round three. The moms are at it again. This time over the quality of the costumes that Lynette has made. Maisy suggest if Lynette is too stressed, she would be glad to cut her work load by cutting the trees, Lynette’s twins, from the play. Lynette offers to work harder. Argument over.

When Gabrielle returns, Mama Solis is surprisingly quiet. As intended, she was too occupied with gambling to worry about Gabrielle. However, she has gambled away her own money and maxed out her son’s credit cards. To save her own ass, Gabrielle promises to save Mama Solis’s ass.

Bree seduces her husband, red panties and all. Rex takes time out from his burrito-eating schedule to partake in the timeless art of seduction. As they get things started, Bree is distracted by the burrito’s near spill off the nightstand. She asks Rex to stop, moves to burrito, and summons Rex back to bed. He clearly doesn’t need IT that bad and shows Bree the door. According to Bree, he clearly never had to remove a cheese stain.

Back at the school, another volunteer mom has offered her time to Lynette. Impressed by how together she is, this mom shares her secret to success: Ritalin. Turns out, it can be quite effective for those who don’t need it. Lynette declines the pusher’s offer. She already smoked crack this morning. Well, that explains what happened to the twins.

Lynette later decides against her better judgment. She takes the Ritalin to get the job done and then some. Twelve hours later, she’s still pumped and challenges Maisy to “take it outside.” Maisy declines, but Lynette is still the clear winner. As the camera pans across the rooms to Lynette’s new followers, a sense of power is now instilled in Lynette. Did anyone catch the black mother in the room? Minorities are now on their way to Wisteria Lane.

Susan and Julie go undercover to find Zach or at the very least one of his personalities. When Julie confronts Zach, he tells her of Dana. That’s all he can sputter out before a nurse interrupts. These damn pills have clearly slowed down his motor skills so he won’t be talking much or running away. Props for Julie for attempting to get straight to the point.

Rex and Bree go at it again. This time, not very sexual. She threatens him to take him right here, right now. He tells her that she sounds like a whore, which may dispel any thoughts of a threesome with the surrogate. Again with the rejection, it’s now apparent, that there may be more to Rex. Aside from crying after ejaculation, that is.

Back to the good stuff. Mama Solis has put Carlos’s suspicions to rest. He then tells his mother that Gabrielle really does love and care for her… and how concerned she was to learn of her gambling addiction. It is now clear, that Gabrielle is definitely having an affair. It is later that day, when Gabrielle and John ignore each other after a near-miss body collision that Mama Solis has found her answer to the puzzle. Dum, dum, dum…

Unfortunately, ABC is still adjusting to how to work with great programming because they’ve opted to air the American Music Awards instead of Desperate Housewives next Sunday. Keep your calendars marked for the next episode on November 21.

Posted by at 3:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

I am not going to say that the outcome of this season's Survivor has become predictable, but after the last episode, it has kind of become obvious who is in control of the game. This Survivor has been a battle of the sexes, through and through. After the shuffle, and before the merge, it looked like people would actually consider something other than the sex of the player before they wrote somebody's name down. It has become such an issue that we have resorted to taping Survivor here at the TVgasm offices, and letting the Tivo pick up The OC. Maybe Mark Burnett has a few trcks up his sleeve, to make things interesting, but I am not sure even he can effectively stop the one of the most powerful players Survivor has ever seen.

If you haven't been watching this year, or if you are a complete idiot, you know that the evil mastermind is Ami. She has manipulated the Yasur tribe, turning the women into nothing more than her little minions. Thanks to a Lopevi tribe full of short-sighted and egotistical men (are there any other kinds on Survivor?), she has been able to consolidate her power and the game has turned into a battle of who is going to be her favorite until the end. I thought only the men would become helpless slaves in the presence of her impressive mammaries, but the women seem to be in awe as well. Perhaps the sheer weight of Ami's boobs create their own gravitational pull that is interfering with the tides. Whatever the case, she looks unstoppable.

All of the promos this week have informed us about the obvious, the tribes were in store for a merge. Because we still need a little suspense in the game, there is one last reward challenge for the two remanufactured tribes to compete. After simple things like Pringles and then more elaborate things steak and a coffee maker, that really only left some sort of dessert for this next reward. For this reward, there was another relay and it once again transporting water over a distance. Instead of each member going through an obstacle course, the teams had to pass along a bucket of water and then fill a larger bucket. When the larger bucket was filled enough, it would drop, which would then raise a torch that would light a tower. The key to the whole thing was that the bucket moved by being thrown from one spot to another. For the last leg, the bucket wasn't thrown at all. Instead, water was thrown from the bucket into the air, where the last tribe member had to catch the water in their own bucket, then run it up a ladder to the torch releasing bucket. I am sure the producers thought it would remind people of the Olympics or something, but it became another notch in the belt of repetitiveness that had defined this season so far. I won't bore you with the details (I might have bored you enough with the description), so I am going to do my best to sound repetitive as well, and just blame Scout because Yasur lost.

Lopevi got their cake, but they didn't have it to themselves for long, because as the tribes met for their immunity challenge, the long awaited merge commenced, and everybody was one big happy family. Actually, that is not quite the case. Rory, who had been so gung ho about being part of Yasur because it gave him a chance to get out from under Sarge's thumb, had quickly soured on the new team when he learned his new boss, Ami, was worst than his first boss. They basically used him to help in the challenges (and he was excellent in that respect), but planned on throwing him out as soon as possible. Lisa delayed his fate when she spoke out against Ami, and Ami sent Lisa (and the only set of breasts that had a chance to standing up to Ami) packing. But since then, Rory has been reduced to a laborer. He must of felt like he was trapped by Calypso, but with none of the sexual favors to make his captivity worthwhile.

On the other beach, Lopevi looked like everybody was really happy. Twila and Julie had the guys under their spell. Julie used all of her feminine charms, taking her clothes off without anybody having to encourage her to do so. She even had Sarge and Twila baring their asses. Twila stuck around mainly because she gave Sarge, Chris, and Chad enough numbers to make them feel good about voting off every other guy without a second thought. Still, there were some doubts as to whether the two women, especially Julie, would be good until the end.

The first individual immunity challenge had each of the tribe members swimming out to a structure in the water where they would have to climb a ladder, cross a balance beam, pick up a flag from the other side, and take it back to the beach. There were two heats of five people competing, and the first two to bring back three flags would be move on to a final round. The winner of the final round would win immunity. The top performers from the previous challenges played well, and with no guy under 35 around, there was some good competition. Rory, Sarge, Ami, and Eliza made it into the finals. Some may think Eliza advancing was a surprise, but she is a good swimmer and she used that to her advantage and beat out Chris in her heat. In the final round, Sarge prevailed over Rory, largely because Rory and Ami had to do the challenge back to back and got very tired early on.

The merged tribe decided to call themselves "Alinta", which she said means "people of the fire". I highly doubt the name wasn't fed to them by the producers, but they had a great meal with lots of wine and cheese, and they got to paint a new banner for their tribe. Almost immediately, the banner painting became body painting, and the girls started painting all over themselves. (Julie sported a tattoo with "Jeff" in the middle of a pink heart, which adds something to the rumors going around about a Julie and Jeff coupling after the show was finished) If it wasn't for the merger, I am not sure what the tribes would have done if they were separated any longer, especially Scout, who said "I miss Twila deep down in places I can't even talk about." I am not quite sure when Scout and Twila built their relationship, maybe it was during some of the time people were braiding Twila's hair. It also didn't look like Twila was exactly reciprocating the feeling, and she looked downright annoyed that Scout was so happy, because she thought the guys would notice and hold it against her. Eliza was also very happy. With Julie's return, there is another person around that cares about vanity as much as she does, so they can keep their asses tan and pluck their eyebrows and keep everybody happy.

Rory quickly tried to establish himself back with his old Lopevi teammates, and he quickly let them know that Ami was the one that they had to take out. To make his point, Rory said that Travis was targeted for eviction after Ami heard her try and whisper something to Chris. Knowing how much the guys loved Travis, this was a good strategy. The old Lopevi tribe thought that they would be OK with Twila and Julie on their side, but once the girls got back together, their plans of domination started to get a little sketchy. It quickly became Rory vs. Ami to see who was going to get voted out. If Ami left, it meant that her hold on the women was weak, and there really was a shift in the balance of power. If Rory left, it meant that the remaining guys would be in trouble because unless they won immunity. Ami has numbers for a six finger plan every time she goes to tribal council.

I have to admit that I was convinced that Rory had done enough to convince the men that Ami had to go, and either Twila or Julie would go along with their plan, making it no worse than a tie for Ami to go. Turns out that Twila and Julie decided to stick with the team they started with, and not the one that they had spent the last nine days with. Rory was voted out 6 to 4, and the voting divided straight along the gender line. The men were shocked, and I think they realized that the next several days are not going to be the party they were expecting.

It looks like the women have the numbers for the remaining time. Ami has been true to her designs on the women going all the way, and despite getting rid of Lisa, it looks like her plan is going do well. The men had a chance to go up against Ami, but they voted their last best chance out the previous week. The guys were confident in keeping Twila's and Julie's loyalty, so they decided to forget about the numbers game and vote out John. It turns out that was the dumbest move in Survivor since Lex decided he should trust Boston Rob during Survivor All Stars. Sarge, Chris, and Chad have a chance, but they are going to have to divide and conquer. They might have a chance if they can convince some of the other girls that Ami is only looking out for herself with all the decisions she makes, and they can't hope but be second, third, or fourth best in her mind. It might work, but Ami successfully got rid of Lisa for even thinking of taking her out, and Ami could sacrifice another woman if somebody else tries to scheme against her.

Posted by at 2:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Two years ago, my old boss had a baby. Unlike many women, she didn't take a lengthy maternity leave. Rather, she immediately came back to work to "produce film and television." However, while she was busy trying to feel important and create crap..Im sorry...cinema, her young remained at home with her newly hired, and overpriced, "Mexican mommy" and sans a teat from which to suckle the sweet nectar of life.

So, instead of taking time out of the day to go home and feed her filthy rich spawn, a future acquitted rapist or drug addict no doubt, my boss chose to stay at work and have a machine squirt juice from her top-fat bags into tiny little clear plastic packets, which she would then put in the office fridge next to the food which we all would eat.

Oh but the fun didn't stop there. When it came time to getting the packets of liquid life to the child, she asked me, a college graduate, to deliver it to her son. Yes, we have couriers who run scripts back and forth, sure we have interns who we use for virtually everything, but no...this was a job for me. And as I drove the breast milk, cleverly concealed in a manila envelope, I couldn't help but wonder why I needed 2 degrees from a credited university to be a tit-juice delivery boy. For me that moment defines what a big fat obnoxious boss is. Though FOX would disagree, putting less of a pity party spin on it and more of a spin of absolute hilarity.

Though last nights ratings will reflect otherwise, My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss was a juggernaut of comedy. Basically an unabashed spoof of "The Apprentice", Boss initially left me impressed with the production quality but a little miffed by the creative element.

In My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé, they spoofed the dating show, but gave it its own strong element, its own spin, much like For Love or Money, Joe Millionaire or Average Joe. It was its own show. Boss however is merely a spoof. A funny, strong, very well done spoof...with one potentially wicked lame twist.

In Boss, it is beat by beat a spoof, naysayer's will use terms like "rip-off", to The Apprentice. And, it is. Which I must admit, initially turned me off. I was hoping for a little but more creativity from the Rocket Labs who are pioneers of taking an old concept, completely shaking it up, and selling it as new. Once I was able to get past, the fact that it was a reality SNL sketch, I could sit back and enjoy it for what it was. So what is it?

Imagine if you will "The Apprentice" only really real. A business world where lies, espionage, sabotage, and other cool spy terms are praised and encouraged rather than scoffed and discouraged. 12 alleged "type A" personalities are gathered. Ya know, real go getters and each of them is vying for a job on the board of Iocor (Latin for Joker) Inc. In this series Mr. N. Paul Todd (an anagram for Donald Trump) is the reclusive billionaire who trumps over all. He is a lewd shrewd womanizing billionaire who is unapologetic and hesitates not a hair to brag about his many achievements. Which would be both scary and impressive, were it not for the fact that he is really just an actor whose financial security probably makes Joe Millionaire looks rich by comparison.

The potential of this fraud comes very quickly when the contestants are given a taste of the sweet life by consuming high end champagne and "food of the rich." All the contestants went ape-shit over the incredible expensive food and champagne. So what was it they were noshing on? The champagne wasn't a Dom or even a Crystal. This high end champagne, which elicited lip smackings and MMM's was so high end, they didn't mention the brand by name, most likely selfishly by the producers to help keep the cost on such a boutique-sipper lower. But they did indicate where one can acquire such a rare, expensive bottle of bubbly. Not in France or Italy. Not Germany or Tuscany. No, they could be found at a novel little winery in Chicago which goes by the name "local grocery store." How quaint. And the Orderves..Whoredourves...Hourse Devorce....ummmm....and the finger food they were eating, the specialty pate'. Bologna, Spam, Mustard. Those were the key ingredients. But the dupes, so wanting to be a part of this rich mans world put any obscure meat in their mouth like they were Mandy Rake at prom. (This reference is undoubtedly hysterical to those who attended Thunderbird High School in 1996, and no one else).

Later came The Apprentice-style team challenge during which the two teams are put to the test to see who can turn the most profit. The challenge....panhandling. The men chose a moderately boring and deceiving tactic of holding signs saying "Help Chicago" and telling people their donations went to charity. While the girls rolled up their shorts until they were so high, their inner thigh had skin sideburns, and sold smiles until they realized they could make more by selling hugs, then had the brain child of performing sex acts for money. Wait, I fell asleep during part of this, so I’m not sure what actually happened and what I may just have dreamed up. For those who watched this, was there a part with a midget in yellow jumper fisting Michael Moore, saying "only four more years of this" while the girls team rolled around in oil? If not, then I’m not sure what happened until it was learned that the girls won by 22 bucks. Which segues nicely to the winner’s reward and loser’s punishment.

The losers were forced to spend the night under the subway overhead crossing in a "bum town" set up. Burning garbage would be their warmth, old tattered tents their shelter, and should they get hungry, they would have to shiv a passerby in the gut until they bleed out and at which point they could feed upon their flesh and consume their power. Though there may have been a craft service table. I woulda just got a stale donut.

The winners, were each rewarded with $10,000 which was stuffed into their mattress and along with good carcass would show them what it was to sleep how the rich slept. And oh yeah, that can’t keep the money. The 'winners' hated the lumps of cash on their sensitive derrieres. Hold just a moment while I try to give a shit. *pause* Nope don’t care. Don’t like these girls. As per noted in several previous posts, I don’t like pretty people, I don’t like pretty people who know their pretty, and I don’t like pretty people who know their pretty and feel entitled because of it like Mandy Rake!! Sorry, I got a little carried away.

Ultimately, the "boardroom" scene had a decent pay off in that the boss fired a person based not he fact that he didn’t like his suit. He came close to firing someone based on the idea that he was short. I loved it. I was rolling and laughing start to end and can’t wait for the rest of the season. Sadly, the ratings were such that they may consolidate the episodes and only air a few to get it on and off quickly. I encourage our Gasm readers to not only watch it but have their friends watch it as well. TV like this should be rewarded, not cancelled. but that’s just me.

Finally, I know I have seen one of these contestants before. I spoke to B-Side about it and he felt the same way, she looks familiar but we have no clue who she is.

Also, anyone else out there have any Obnoxious boss stories? Let me know and selected entries will be included in future Big Fat Obnoxious Boss column.

Send stories to madeyoulaugh@tvgasm.com

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 12:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

We are a very diverse group here at TVgasm, and it may shock some readers to know that we have a rabid fan base that loves updates on Chyno, late of UPN's The Player. In fact, if you do a search for Chyno using Google, TVgasm appears above Chyno's own site. Heh. Well, thanks to TVgasm reader Gabrielle, we can offer up a few more pictures of our favorite Star Search contestant turned ladies man.

All photos are courtesy of indmix.com which features a lovely assortment of photos of women with gigantic booties. I only rifled through a few of their galleries, but I'm sure there are many more Chyno photos to be found there.

For people interested in Chyno's burdgeoning musical career, zip on over to 44records.com to hear his work with fellow Player alum Acie. I would post one of the mp3s here, but you know, they're all really crappy. Thanks to Ray for the tip.

TVgasm's mini gallery can be found after the jump.

Posted by at 6:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

The OC is back, and boy was it gay. I don't mean that in a derogatory way. It's just that when a show opens on gratuitious shots of twenty sweaty, shirtless, muscled men wandering around, you can't help feeling like The OC went to summer camp and came back a little changed. Indeed, things have changed in The OC. Seth has sailed off to, uh, somewhere, Ryan has shacked up with his preggers girlfriend (he doesn't drink, but he loves to knock up the ladies. Boo condoms!), and Marissa has taken to the bottle (and I don't mean Dexatrim). What does this all mean? Well, for one thing, lots of whining and brooding. Apparently the writers still haven't realized that the worst episodes of last year were the ones that tried to be serious. On the other hand, we did get the instant classic TV camp moment when Marissa vented her frustration with a long, silly primal scream. Yes, witty banter and awkward acting. Welcome back, OC.

The show started off like any typical episode - lots of morning banter. Except instead of Seth popping in on his parents's badinage, it was those damn construction workers. Literally. Just when you thought Sandy and Kirsten had escaped to a shirtless-extra safe zone, another one would just waltz right through. Now, I don't want to harp on this, but exactly which construction company was this? Did they have some sort of "No fatass" policy? Very Bravo.

Nevertheless, there was plot to be had, and in the season premiere, we learned that Kirsten was not happy that her son had just gone and sailed off. Apparently she had embarked in a hunger strike because her sternum was popping through her skin. "Bring him home," she deplored Sandy. Uh, why don't you do it, you lazy bitch. Besides, isn't he in a boat somewhere in the Pacific? Actually no. We soon learned that Seth had made his way up Portland where he was living with new BFF, Luke, and his Jim McGreevyish dad. I felt bad about Poppa Luke. Had he known this new beefcake construction company was in town, I'm sure he would have stuck around a little longer.

Speaking of beefcake, another shirtless guy popped up, this time at Marissa's new palatial home. While Summer and Marissa sipped iced tea apparently spiked with ethanol, the new gardener - shirtless and muscular of course - made eyes at the ladies. Honestly, not every manual laborer is chiselled and shirtless. Can we just put the casting director in a cold shower and be done with this? Anyway, the girls had some ironically self-aware banter, with Summer telling Marissa that she's gotten so skinny, to which Marissa replied "I eat." Yeah, she and Kirsten go off for meals all the time. Yesterday, they shared an amazing piece of iceburg lettuce.

Elsewhere in the OC, Jimmy Cooper proudly displayed his new scruffy look. It was part of the obvious mood-meter the producers seemed to be employing. You know, scruff on Jimmy = happiness. Scruff on Ryan = discontent. Flask on Marissa = sadness. Meat on Kirsten's bones = Seth's home. Speaking of Ryan, Sandy paid a visit to him in Chino to rally his support for a Come Back Seth campaign. Amazingly, this Ryan scene was free of ponderous melodrama and darting glances. Heck, there was even a smile or two from Mr. McKenzie.

Oh, but it didn't last long. The house of Ryan and Theresa was seething with malcontent. You see, Theresa peeled Ryan's oranges for work, and well, that makes him hesitant. I don't know why really. Maybe some childhood trauma? A clementine prank gone wrong? Either way, with Ryan in full brooding mode, he stepped out onto his street where a convenient gaggle of kids on bikes mandated a slow motion flashback to a young Ryan, standing in a muscle T, seemingly asking "What went wrong Ryan? Where did your youth go?" My only question was "How long has he been wearing beaters?" Didn't he ever wear like a Mickey Mouse T-shirt?

Anyway, Sandy boarded a plane out of his muscle clad county and surprised Seth at Luke's house. Amazingly, no one said "Welcome to the PDX, bitch!" - although if I remember correctly, Luke did make a similar joke to that on his last episode. I have to admit, I was amused by Sandy's Portland entrance. Seth and Luke were hanging out in the kitchen when Luke's dad walked in and announced there was a visitor. Then from around the corner came Sandy. Ta-da! I wonder if they staged that: "Okay Sandy. You stand right there. Then, when I say the codeword, you walk into the kitchen. It will be divine!"

Meanwhile, back in Newport Beach, Kirsten continued to stew around the house. Jimmy and Marissa Cooper stopped by, thus providing the first "hey's" of the new season. We're still waiting for the all important Mischa Barton/Ben McKenzie "hey". Anyway, Jimmy and Kirsten babbled to each other a little in the doorway. Jimmy came up with the umpteenth excuse as to why Hailey was a no show - she was at work apparently. Yeah, she got this really awesome job as a concierge in a Hawaiian hotel. I forget where it is. Maybe the North Shore?

Anyway, while Jimmy and Kirsten engaged in small talk, Marissa wandered off to the poolhouse where she debated whether or not to enter. Mischa Barton solemnly attempted a Merchant Ivory moment of "I yearn, but I shan't!", and as usual, the scene wound up laughably dumb as she yanked her hands away from the tempting doorknobs of the poolhouse. Were they electrified?

Up in Portland, the Luke's and the Cohens sat down to a festive dinner. Sandy tried to start some upbeat conversation, but Seth, who's suddenly turned into a whiny bitch, got fresh. The two engaged in a hostile spat while Luke and his dad watched from the sidelines. I was surprised that Luke's dad didn't get all sing-songy and say "Awkward!"

Speaking of awkward, the Mischa Barton acting trainwreck continued to steamroll through the episode. Late at night, Marissa snuck into a lifeguard shack and partook in her flask of shame. With her eyebrows slightly furrowed and her lips attempting to quiver, we knew she was trying oh so hard to showcase emotional complexity, but instead it looked like she was merely holding back some vomit (which is not entirely out of the picture). Marissa dialed up Ryan and the two sat on the phone without speaking. Yes, the drama was so thick with emotion that not even an awkward "Hey" could be uttered.

The next day, after one too many peeled oranges, Ryan announced he was going up to Portland to fetch Seth, his affluent hetero-lifemate. While he was in transit, we zipped back to Marissa for what we just knew would be more Emmy-worthy material. Sure enough, Mischa did not disappoint. Excited to go to some new Yoga-lates type class with her daughter, Julie Cooper harumphed over to Marissa who was suntanning poolside with an iPod. "We're late," she announced to her daughter, but Marissa simply ignored her, eager to soak up the rays in her skeletal frame. When Julie finally disconnected the iPod, Marissa whined, "I was listening to that." I half expected her to add "It was really good emo! Josh Schwartz recommended it to me! You have no appreciation for the Garden State soundtrack!!!"

Of course, what happened next has already become legendary amongst fans of the show. When pressed by her mother to open up and tell her how she feels, Marissa simply let out a loud, inauthentic scream and flipped a pool chair in the water. Uh, so she doesn't like the lawn furniture? By the way, bravo to Mischa Barton. Not many actresses are so bold to clearly delineate the limits of their acting, but she did it with such grace and aplomb. That just has to be rewarded. I mean, how many actresses would ever dare to yell "Ahhhhhhhhhh" as if they were actually reading it off a page?

Now, I know J-Unit posted this in his recap, but dammit, it just has to be seen again. And so now ladies and gentlemen of the Academy, for your consideration, Mischa Barton:

Click on image to play movie.

While Mischa yelled her substantially taxed heart out, Ryan arrived in Portland. Once again Luke's dad introduced him with a "We have another guest!" and ta-da, out stepped Ryan from around the corner. Honestly, do they do this when the cleaning lady comes? "Guess who? It's Consuela!" Anyway, Ryan and Seth had a warm reunion that was only plagued by ball and chain Theresa, who called to announce that she had had a miscarriage. So THAT's why she didn't look pregnant! Oh, and she also doesn't want Ryan to come home because it's obvious that they don't love each other and he hates her peeled oranges and blah blah blah. The nice twist here was that after the call, we found out that the baby might very well be alive and well. WE'LL SEE!

Back in The OC, we learned that Caitlyn - who's in the market for a non-balding pony - will be going off to boarding school, which was Josh Schwartz's way of quietly shipping off a character for the season. Sandy, who had since returned from The Portland, met up with Caleb who seems to have found himself in an Enron type mess. Sandy warned him: "Clouds have gathered. It's gonna rain on you, on all of us. Get your storm windows." He then added "Put on your raincoat, make sure you roll up the car windows, close the skylight, find the golashes, go down to the corner store and buy an umbrella."

While Sandy and Caleb prepared for the worst, Seth and Ryan shared a tender moment as they talked about Newport. To indicate that everything was cool with them, Ryan peppered his dialogue with casual "man's", or as he pronounces it, "mahn" (with the n sound trailing off). Alas, it was time to leave. Ryan and Seth said their goodbyes and the Chino native headed off to his cab. Suddenly the scene became intensely homoerotic as the emo music blared, Seth's food started to shake and he bolted for the front door as if to say "WAIT!" Seth swung open the door, and who was there? RYAN. Honestly, I thought they were going to make out right on the spot. Instead, they just made their way back down to Newport where Karen Carpenter, I mean, Kirsten leapt from her seat and embraced the boys. Ah yes. All's well that ends well in Orange County. Now maybe we can move on from this whiny episode and get back to the lighthearted fare we know and love.

Posted by at 4:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (41)

After last week's roller coaster episode of The Apprentice, I suppose we were overdue for a quiet, uneventful installment. Yes - we did get some Sweeps-tastic stunts with Bradford, Rob, crazy Stacie, and anti-Semite Jen all returning to the group, but overall, tonight's episode was rather tame. I mean, I know the idea of renovating a home is compelling television, but a) the show did this last year to more compelling effect; and b) there's a reason why we're not watching TLC at 9 PM on Thursdays. Besides, after watching Mischa Barton's stunning performance on The O.C., nothing else tonight could feel as entertaining.

The episode kicked off with the usual boardroom prognostications - this time courtesy of Wes and Maria who win the award for best joint hairstyle. When the entire Team Apex returned earlier than expected, there were the usual "Whoa!" reactions, followed by gabby dramatizations of the boardroom. Unfortunately, without the excitable zingers of little Stacy R. around anymore, this ritual had lost some of it's "Oh my Gawd!" allure.

The next morning brought the always reliable call from frumpy secretary-cum-morning beagle Rhona. Kelly was the lucky man answering the phone, which is good because last week he looked about ready to beat Andy with a tire iron after the kid snatched the Rhona call for himself. Oh Rhona. Your frizzy hair and slightly bedraggled appearance have broken so many hearts!

Anyway, the teams headed to Trump's latest real estate venture where they donned hardhats and met up with The Donald. Maria stunned all with her bright green business suit. Very pea pod chic. I particularly enjoyed seeing her in her designer coutoure being forced to wear a blue collar hard hat. There were no closeups, but I can imagine that her face was registering pure rage. If only she had a massive Little Shop of Horrors sized flower broche to balance it out!

Verdant fashion mishaps nonwithstanding, the group got down to business. Trump informed them that they would be renovating houses in Long Island (pronounced Lawnguylind) and the team which increased the property value by the highest percentage would win. Eh. I suppose this was NBC's lame attempt to cash in on the Extreme Makeover: Home Edition craze that has swept Wisconsin. Raj and Sandy - project managers for Apex and Mosaic respectively - seemed ready to hit the streets, but there was one other little twist. Trump announced that the first four fired candidates would return to assist on the mission. That's right - Rob (Crustacean Nation victim), Bradford (stupidity victim), Stacie (magic 8 ball victim), and Jen C. (two fat Jewish ladies victim) returned to pump up ratings - I mean, help out the teams with the plentiful manpower they provide.

With everyone feeling suitably awkward, Rob and Jen joined Mosaic while Stacy and Bradford joined Apex. This of course led to instant Jen babbling and more interestingly, a Stacie/Ivana catfight. Stacie told Ivana that she didn't appreciate being called, you know, crazy, and Ivana said she didn't appreciate her life being put at risk by crazy people. Now, a normal, rational person would have simply apologized to Stacie and moved on, but we sometimes forget that Ivana is a masive idiot; so instead she maintained her party line that she felt in danger when Stacie demanded people pay attention to the 8 Ball. To Ivana's credit, she was once beaten into a coma by a black woman holding a Magic 8 Ball, and when she was little, she did have recurring nightmares of giant Magic 8 Balls rolling over her and her family, so I guess her fears were somewhat justified.

Nevertheless, Stacie and Ivana's tiff did escalate into a fullscale shouting match - which was GREAT. In an interview, Stacie commented that her strategy upon returning would be "Don't blow up again." Uh, okay, so I suppose plan B is "Blow up again"?

Around this time the show cut to commercial, and when it came back, we once again received a lovely tidbit of advice from The Donald. "Control your contractor!" he bellowed. Okay, so I suppose the team with the crappy contractor will be losing this one. Thanks for the spoiler, Trump. Jerk.

Anyway, teams began the renovations to their houses with little or no drama. Raj had the brilliant idea of turning a four bedroom house into a three bedroom house. You see, what's great about it is, uh, three is a prime number! And, uh, there's more space - so you can sell it for less! Wait, no, that's not it either. Okay, it was an absolutely retarded decision. Still, he was happy with it and quickly got to work taking down a wall -- with his body. It was sort of like watching playdough getting thrown at a trampoline, except less funny. Inspired by this human wrecking ball performance, Ivana chimed in with "Can I try?" NO, YOU CAN'T. This wall is for Raj only! Actually, there were no objections and soon Ivana hurled herself against the drywall and nearly separated her shoulder. I'm sure Stacie relished the moment as she no doubt has been fantasizing about slamming Ivana into a wall for some time now.

Over on team Cohesive - aka Mosaic - Rob was working a mile a minute (is that a mixed metaphor?) in an effort to prove himself. He just wants people to see that he's a hard worker and a team player, he said. Uh, you know you got fired like nine weeks ago, right? Just making sure. Elsewhere in his group, Sandy was bawling in the rain about her contractor's shitty performance (don't worry - we haven't even gotten to Raj's contractor). Luckily for her, the local mafioso learned that TV cameras were in the 'hood and within minutes, a whole crime family was tending to the house. Literally, Sandy's team had nothing to do except not witness things. I was surprised the cigar chomping landscaper didn't quietly offload a government witness into the flowerbed.

Unfortunately for Raj, he had no local Sopranos rejects to help him out. Instead, he had Carlos, a blank-faced contractor who came recommended from Kevin's friend. The group quietly agreed to employ Carlos, but after the fact, the story became that Kevin forced him on them. Always blaming it on the black man. For shame. Anyway, Carlos turned out to be a dud of a contractor and with just two hours left, he still hadn't put together the upstairs bathroom. When Raj pressured Carlos's workers to get moving, they just gave him smug looks and said they'd be on it after they finished their tacos. What is it with people and their tacos on this show? Can't anybody do anything without a taco?

Apparently not. By the time the appraisers came to Raj's house, the property was a disaster. Paint and dirt had been smudged over the staircase, tools were sitting out in the open, and the new giant bedroom looked unfinished. As for that pesky bathroom? Well, it did have a toilet, sink, and shower - just uninstalled and ugly looking. Raj tried to smooth things over by saying that their goal was to let the homeowners project their visions onto the house, but apparently that vision extends to installing toilets and plumbing.

It really was therefore no surprise when Sandy's team handily beat Raj's at the end of the day. Mosaic's reward? A trip to Denise Rich's house in the Hamptons. Sadly, the Clintons were not hanging around the estate that day, but I think we can all say that the $48 million dollars her husband stole from the government went to good use! Of course, none of the Mosaic-ites seemed to have any clue of the government scandal surrounding them as they were happy enough to just be up in a helicopter. As he viewed NYC from the chopper, Wes exclaimed: "It gives you a taste of what it's like to be Donald Trump." Uh, does Trump have superpower flying abilities? My personal reaction would have been "It gives you a taste of what it's like to be a traffic reporter."

Upon arrival at the Hamptons, Denise Rich greeted everyone with her signature toothy smile and giant coif. Then she basically told them to walk around and get out of her hair (which, as previously mentioned, was voluminous). It was a lovely day at the Rich Estate (which is formally known as Weeping Willows or Spring Meadow or Dirty Sanchez - I forget). Maria busted out her va-va-vavoom hot pink bikini while Jen convinced us that she might be better off on The Biggest Loser. It was the bestest day evah!

Not feeling the sunshine though was Ivana, who back in NYC was shocked to learn she was going to be the latest non-performance based scapegoat. Yeah, how could they do that to her? That's like totally unfair! She's the only one who's allowed to jump on the bandwagon and rail someone off the show! Alas, Ivana entered cornered cat mode and hissed her way down to the boardroom where Team Apex met with a surprisingly tuxedoed Trump - another boardroom FIRST!

Anyway, despite Raj taking full accountability for the team's errors, the accusations towards Kevin started flying. Everyone accused him of picking a crappy contractor, going so far as to say "Kevin was in LOVE with the contractor." Okay, we know that's not true. Just because Kevin wrote a little poem for the guy and just because Kevin drew "Kevin + Carlos 4 Ever" in wet cement does not mean that he's in love! Just mildly infatuated.

At one point Trump took a moment to commend Stacie on her solid performance, to which everyone agreed. Except, of course, Ivana who took the opportunity to take another unnecessarily swipe. "Why you so nasty??" Donald asked, following up with "Don't put Stacie on blast! Girl, you betta slow yo' roll, mmkay? I said my name is Starquisha! It's my birthday! It's my birthday!"

After some more genial banter with Bradford and Stacie, Trump dismissed them, and smiles were had by all, even Carolyn who had a look on her face that seemed to say "It feels like Christmas today!" But then Chris opened his mouth to say that the team chemistry was bad, and Carolyn's happy go lucky mood changed to pure disdain and she snapped "Don't tell me about it. Fix it!" Gulp.

Anyway, Raj chose to return to the boardroom with Ivana and Kevin, and as they shuffled back in, superstar Robin gave a forelorn look as if to say "Always the bridesmaid, never the bride." Oh, but don't you worry Robin. Your spotlight will come soon - like in two minutes. You see, the boardroom didn't go so well for Raj. Trump drilled him on all the mistakes he had made, and Raj became increasingly flustered, sort of like Maria on a bad flower day. In the end, even though Kevin definitely screwed up, Trump dropped the ax on Raj, thus ending his overlong performance as Mr. Dapper. As he waited for his elevator to take him down to the street, he of course asked Robin for her number (bad news Raj, we still don't believe that you're a ladies man), and Robin, with this sudden attention lavished on her took the chance to make an impression. Well, actually she just giggled and said "uh". Brilliant!

I would have to say this episode was fairly lackluster. Y'all don't know how hard it was for me to write this post today. There was almost no material to work with. Not even Maria did anything of note. Oh well. There's always next week, and the next boardroom FIRST!

Posted by at 1:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

It's a time we have all been waiting for. The return of The OC. If you watch it, then you don't really need to know any more. If you haven't watched it, I should say that it was instrumental in the creation of TVgasm. And although I won't say the TVgasm offices are a shrine to the television show, there is a picture of Mischa Barton on the coffee table, although purely for comedic effect. Thanks to the major league baseball playoffs (who won again? nobody has reminded in the last couple of weeks), we had to take an almost unimaginable time off from the show, eagerly awaiting the resolution of one of the best cliffhanger episodes in recent memory. With the playoffs over, and the election returns taking surprisingly less time than anybody could have expected, we are ready to dig in and enjoy the best over the top melodrama you are going to see all year.

For those of you who don't remember, we have a few little issues hanging around from last season. Ryan had knocked up Theresa, so he headed back to Chino in order to do the right thing and take care of his new family. Caleb and Julie Cooper were married, but the whole house of cards was about fall down as the feds starting poking around. Marissa started drinking again and, um, what else? Oh yes, Seth decided he couldn't take Newport anymore, so he did the mature thing and ran away, on Summer. No, not his girlfriend, but the boat. But at least he left a couple of notes behind to explain everything away.

Some time has passed, and the Cohens have decided that they needed to renovate their house. There are a bunch of sweaty, shirtless men working around the house and they are all ripped. After Julie's bachelor party, the male strippers needed jobs or something. Since they were familiar with the Cohen house already, Kirsten decided to keep them around. Well, that is sort of what it looked like, but that's not really the case. They just found the only contracting company in all of Southern California without any Mexicans or Armenians on the payroll. This is all a metaphor, because the Cohen house is torn apart, much like their family, and they can only hope either one will be fixed very soon. Sandy and Kirsten miss Seth, but disagree how they should go about bringing him home. As Kirsten said, Sandy likes the hippie parenting, not pushing too hard for Seth to come back, but she just wants him to bring him home. At this point in time, I am thinking how in the hell is he going to do that? Didn't Seth say he wanted to go to Tahiti? Did he have a GPS suppository or something?

The past few months haven't gone that well for a lot of our crew from last year. Summer, depressed at the loss of her boyfriend, and kind of wishing she had more to go on than a dumb letter, spent a month or so crying before going into rehab and finding a boyfriend. At least she didn't hit the painkillers like her stepmom. Marissa, meanwhile, has been giving her liver a workout, and starting to "look a little thin" according to Summer. Well, it's good to know the writers still enjoy being self aware about the lives of the cast members. Look for them to get Summer and Seth together very quickly, and then make jokes about them eating at The Griddle all of the time.

What about Ryan? He's not doing badly, got into construction. That whole high school diploma thing was overrated anyway. The writers again try to do their best to convince us that there are actual places in California where more than two caucasians can be seen laboring in the same place at the same time. Theresa loves dropping her man off at work, and loves going the extra mile for him as well, including important things like peeling his orange for him. A woman's only human, this you must understand. Ryan appreciates the gesture, but is afraid what the other guys might say if he doesn't peel his own orange. Come on Ryan, with that five o'clock shadow, who is going to try and mess with you?

Julie Cooper surely enjoyed her post nuptials, she is now spending money like she did when Jimmy was her husband[thanks quinn77], and Caleb is sounding a lot like Jimmy from last year, complaining about things like weekly flowers and cringing at the thought of buying his new step daughter a pony. To top things off, he has turned into a crazy lunatic. He thinks the feds have him tapped, but tries not to let on his real worries to his new wife.

Kirsten has had enough and decides that she must place a phone call to the number posted on the fridge. It turns out that not only is it Luke's number, but that Seth has been living with Luke in Portland all of this time. Now I know that Luke kind of got sucked into the clique a little bit, but I never would have believed that his first instinct for refuge would have been Luke's house. Anyway, Kirsten argues with Seth, who tells her that he always hated Newport and he is glad he left. At this point, she pleads with Sandy once again to try and convince Seth to come back. Sandy agrees, but decides that he needs a little help. He finds Ryan at his construction site and gives him a ticket to Portland. He thinks that Ryan would really help as he tries to get Seth back. Theresa sees the whole exchange and you can tell that she simply hates the Cohens. For her, they are a threat to keeping Ryan in Chino. Why would he want to leave? His baby momma is around the house barefoot and in the kitchen (BTW, I estimate that this episode was taped around the end of May, since that is the last time I have seen anybody in LA wear that Juicy Couture terry cloth tube dress like she did this episode), and he has all the peeled oranges he could need. Well, you can tell that Ryan wants more, because he has a this freak flashback after seeing these kids riding on their bikes. He sees himself at their age (yes, he wore a wife beater even back then), but I disregard most of this exchange as it looks like it was added as an excuse to add some McG style to the episode.

In Portland, Seth is contemplating his existence. He is clearly still obsessed with Summer, drawing her as a comic book character. God, he had sex with the real thing, and is resorting to drawings? Newport can't be that bad. And come on! Those Portland sets weren't too convincing. Portland is apparently just like the OC with some evergreens outside. But at least Luke is happy. There is no water polo team, but he has a new girlfriend, his dad has a new boyfriend, and all the x-box he could want.

Luke's ex-girlfriend is still a mess. Marissa and her dad drop in on the Cohens. I love how the writers take every chance to explain Haley's absence. Oh, "she's back on the boat", says Jimmy, or "she's at work", says Jimmy. More like "she's got more money and a bigger part on the North Shore". But all is not lost! We have our very first "Hey!" of the season as they come in. Marissa looks longingly at the poolhouse, and Jimmy makes the ironic statement of the year "Your kids don't have to be miles away for them to be distant". Yeah, they just have to be drinking 30 ounces of vodka a day.

Sandy makes the first attempt to reach out to Seth in Portland. It turns out to be very awkward as they sit down with Luke and his dad for dinner. Sandy makes some polite conversation, but Seth has the passive-aggressive juices flowing. Well, he is always sarcastic, but this time, it pissed off his dad enough for Sandy to give him a stern warning. Ooh, we love it when Peter Gallagher gets all tough cop on us. Eventually, Sandy sees that Seth is not responding and tells him that he knows that it is tough. Sandy left home when he was younger, and he gives his son the words he wishes his parents have. A simple "We love you, and you are always welcome back." We might have been more moved if there was actually any doubt that Seth wouldn't be back in California before the end of the episode.

Marissa, still reeling from the thoughts of seeing Ryan's old poolhouse, and half way through a fifth of liquor, decides to call Ryan. Oh, I wonder if she is going to call, but will be too scared to answer and hangs up. Well, that's exactly what happens, but I wasn't expecting Ryan to be asleep in bed at the time. The clock said it was barely past 11 PM. Shouldn't he be sitting alone in the kitchen, priming himself for another self-reflecting flashback? The next day, Theresa confronts him with the phone call and the plane ticket. She reminds him that they have a doctor's appointment. Ryan says he hasn't missed one, and he needs to make things right with Seth. He left Chino to make things right, but ended messing everything up. Theresa is clearly hurt, asking "I thought you left to be with me?". Hmm, Navi Ravat is not in the opening credits, so I smell a short lived stay in Chino for our pal Ryan.

Ryan heads to Portland, but not before Mischa Barton gives us quite a great moment to laugh about for, well, eternity. She is being a spoiled little bitch in front of her mom. Apparently, they haven't talked all summer, and Julie just wants to hear what her daughter has to say. "Do you really want to know what's on my mind?", Marissa asks, and then proceeds to go on this little temper tantrum, throwing some lawn furniture into her pool. I could spend a page describing it, or I could just leave you with a video clip yourself. It's not like you would actually believe that she has some emotion, but we will be replaying this one nonetheless.

Click on image to play movie.

When Ryan gets to Portland, Seth is very happy to see him. They have a little small talk, and Ryan is impressed Seth has learned how to grill. He asks Seth about Summer, and Seth admits that she'll probably never speak to him again. Little does he know that Summer was at that moment returning all of the stuff that reminded him of her back to his house and dumping it on his bed. I would like to say now that while Seth was gone, his parents had the good sense to take down that stupid Rooney poster that was hanging there most of last year. But Seth can't get too far from his Indie roots, so they leave the Death Cab poster up. But you can't get too emotional about things like that. If you need to learn how to be kicked and pick yourself up, you have to ask Ryan.

While all the boys are playing X-box, Ryan gets a call from Theresa. She went to the doctor, and it turns out that she lost the baby. They couldn't find a heartbeat. At this point, I was thinking to myself. Oh god, they cooked up this lame pregnancy, just to have it end in a miscarriage so Ryan is off the hook that much easier? Well, anything to get that story line finished and allow Ryan back into the pool house where he belongs. But the failed pregnancy was not a surprise. It turns out that Theresa didn't have miscarriage, but told Ryan she did because she knew that he was only their for the baby, and nothing else. I have always been wary of Theresa, and never believed the pregnancy for one but. It's not like Ryan was the only guy she had slept with around the time she got pregnant. I believe that the baby was never Ryan's, but she said it was to get him back. When she realized that he was never going to be into their relationship for anything more than to support the family, she decided that she didn't want to keep the farce going. We'll see what actually happens as the days go on. I guess it will all depend on if the writers think it is worth putting her in a pregnancy suit or nothing. It's been almost 4 months now, the baby isn't going to be huge, but she should have a little bulge going.

Ryan is still shaken by the whole thing. Theresa told him that he shouldn't come back. Seth consoles him. Well, sort of consoles him, but it is time for Ryan to go. As he is about to go in the cab, you can see the look on Seth's face. Hmm, Ryan is free, my parents want me back, I can't stand Luke that much longer. Let me run and catch Ryan before he leaves. Of course, at the same moment, Ryan was thinking hmm, I am not a father, i got no baby momma, the Cohens want me back, land that pool house is pretty sweet. They bump into each other at the front door, and decide to make the triumphant return back home, and just in time. Sandy is making small talk with Kirsten, and while I do love the Sandy schtick, we have been overloaded this episode. Kirsten hugs the boys, and Ryan takes his worthy spot back in the back of the house. Maybe part of the construction work is redoing a bedroom so Ryan isn't confused for the pool boy. You may be wondering what the Cohens had to say about Theresa and the baby. Ryan told them "It was a long story", but he realized that their home is where he belongs. I guess he got over the unexpected loss of an heir pretty quickly. Seth and Ryan have a few moments in the pool house, and everything is back to normal.

So, The OC is back, the episode was pretty good, and we have plenty of setup left for the season. Caleb is in trouble. Sandy said the clouds are gathering and that Caleb better have his shit together, because the feds are coming hard. Marissa is single, but we know that Ryan became very sanctimonious about drinking last season, so who knows what is to become of them. Summer has a boyfriend, but it seems to be more on the suggestion of her therapist than anything else. I predict she'll be back with Seth before the end of the month.

Posted by at 1:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

[Guest writer: JadedBitch.]

Girls jumping around on their beds wearing nothing but skimpy tank tops and panties? It's Girls Gone Wild! No, actually it's just the opening scene for America's Next Top Model, cause you know, that's what all supermodels like to do with one another. We then zoom in on Cassie, who is busy doing pilates in her thong. Why, that's exactly what I wear when I do my leg circles! I just find it brings that much more freedom to the workout!

If anyone was wondering what book Tocarra was reading, it was Arthur Golden's Memoirs of a Geisha. I could tell by the blurred out cover. Though, later on in the episode, she apparently has finished with that novel and moved herself onto something else which I did not recognize. What a quick reader, that one! I guess when you're a plus-size, you don't exactly feel like bouncing around on beds or doing "The Hundred" in your gaunch.

The girls whined about being fat as they re-enacted last week's trampoline photo shoot on their mattresses. "I have some pudge!" one squealed as she swung her pillow at another. Then Rizzo came in wearing a wig and made fun of Sandra Dee. Actually, it was just Norelle, and she wasn't wearing a wig, but she did demonstrate her lyrical gansta skillz when she said, "I'd like to be more abby, right now I'm still a bit flabby." This was followed by a "Yo, 'sup dawg?" nod to the camera as she shoved her hands into her armpits and yelled, "Boyyyyyyeeee!" Wow, who woulda thought that after the braces come off, out comes da rhymez!

The next morning, Yaya answered the phone only to be greeted by what seemed to be a recorded Tyra message. "Hi, it's Tyra! I need you all to meet me in twenty minutes. Dress like you're going to panel and bring comfortable shoes! Seeya!" I mean, it must've been a recording cause who calls people and just starts jabbering away at them like that? I thought she was going to tell Yaya her library book was overdue or offer her a new long distance package.

When everyone congregated in front of Miss Tyra, they found it was time for their "Go Sees" which some of you may remember from previous seasons means they have to go to a bunch of designers and try to sell themselves while resisting the temptation to cry as they get judged on their walk, personality, and looks. The person who scored the highest would win a rack of clothes from one of the designers.

She-Man Ann (see, I'm a lyrical gansta too, Norelle! Boyyyyeeee!!) pleaded her case to the camera by saying that she was prettier in person than in photos. Sure, Ann, that's what they all say. In fact, I'm actually prettier with your eyes closed.

The first stop was designer Nicole Miller, who was looking for a Miller Girl. This sounded like a bad beer commercial, didn't it? Did she not realize that the Miller Girl label was already taken by some sorority originated by the brewing house?

Norelle joined the ranks of She-Man Ann when she said that she was "so retarded." Somewhere on his sofa, Big Brother 2's Bunky zapped off his TV. (For the record, I'm with Bunky on this one. I hate the word and don't ever use it. Except of course, when writing this recap for TVGasm.) Wow, so that now makes two mentally challenged models (that we know of)! And here we thought Amanda the Blind Chick had it hard. Norelle, I think you proved your "retardedness" when you tried to rap earlier on. Or maybe it was when you bailed on the runway during the Heatherettes fashion show. Either way, what I'm trying to say is: we know.

In other news, Amanda the Blind Chick forgot her shoes. Did she not listen to the Tyra recorded message? Bring comfortable shoes! Everyone else slipped on their model-esque flats, while Amanda slummed in her Converse sneakers. "I thought she meant comfortable! Oh that's right, I'm a model. Comfortable equals flats. DUH! I'm so retarded!" Now where is Star Jones when you need her? Instead, Amanda decided to go shoe shopping, accompanied by Ann, Eva, Tocarra, and Cassie, all of whom could not resist the lure of a shoe store. Even though they only had 15 minutes to get to their next appointment and their "careers" were on the line here, shoe shopping seemed much more important. Priorities!

The other girls that didn't go (i.e. the boring ones), left with the car and went to the next designer, Nanette Lepore. Ann, Amanda, Eva, Tocarra and Cassie ran around frantically trying to find their next destination which involved a tussle between Tocarra and Ann, who managed to get the information on where to go but only wanted to share it with her lesbian lover Eva, or as she likes to call her, Mommy. WTF! Tocarra literally had to rip the memo out of Ann's powerful man-like hands.

In the end, the Boring Girls (Yaya, Nicole...and I don't remember the others) waited in the lobby of Nanette Lepore for everyone to arrive before going in. They were 20 minutes late, which evoked a lecture from Ms. Lepore. When she was done, the judging began. The girls were graded like cattle. It looked like a scene from Are You Hot? with Ms. Lepore playing the role of Lorezno Lamas. All she was missing was the laser pointer.

Tocarra encountered her first problem with sizing, when they could barely find anything for her to fit into. The rest of the episode would feature more plus-size trouble and surprisingly, without any GONG! sound effects.

Third up was designer Diane Von Furstenburg, followed by Cynthia Rowley who promptly noted that Norelle couldn't walk and that perhaps she was a bit retarded. By the time they reached the last designer, Marc Bouwer, all the girls were exhausted from their day of shoe shopping and playing dress-up. Maybe they shouldn't have had that slumber party the night before. Damn that Rizzo!

Tocarra finally found where she belonged when Marc Bouwer called her a movie star as she glided along in one of his evening gowns. Everyone else seemed to trip over theirs, while Cassie had her ass measured and was told she was too big. Somewhere in her living room, Mary-Kate Olsen put down her carrot and thought, "How rude!"

Yaya won the prize, the second week in a row. Are the producers trying to tell us something? The other girls lamented their loss, while Norelle waxed poetic about coming in last. Amanda offered up some bland advice when she said, "Obstacles are nothing but things to step off of." Thanks for that chortle, Amanda. Isn't that like the blind leading the retarded?

Norelle's limited mental capacity apparently induces bad grammar. During a phone conversation with her mom, she told her, "I'm not doing good." For the last time people, it's, "I'm not doing WELL!." OY! What a retard!!! Later, of course, she tooted her own horn, rang her own bell, beat her own drum, if you will, when she told everyone at dinner that she had no previous modelling experience and that she couldn't believe she was still here! Like, ohmygod! And also, you can't walk. Zinger!

Dinner was had at the Sunburnt Cow, an Australian restaurant in New York, where the girls ate kangaroo. There must've been something in that crazy kangaroo meat, as it caused Norelle and Ann to have a Britney and Madonna moment. This escalated into a mini hot tub party with a number of the girls (i.e. not the boring ones) jumping in wearing their skivvies. Suddenly I was watching The Bachelor. Meanwhile, Rizzo pouted in the corner for not having been invited. Damn that Sandra Dee!

The next day, the girls met up with an unrecognizable J. Alexander who showed up wearing *gasp* men's clothes! Can you imagine? He was followed out by none other than Janice Dickinson. Wait a minute, upon closer inspection, it turned out not to be Janice at all! In fact, it was just Jay Manuel in drag! Ah, so instead of becoming a white man like we suspected he would, he surprised us all by following in the footsteps of Michael Jackson and became a white woman instead! Meanwhile, Cassie turned her head and thought it was "gross." Coming from Oklahoma, she had apparently never seen anyone do drag before.

The girls had to do a photo shoot where they would appear as two opposite extremes of themselves, later to be digitally enhanced to look as though the two images were interacting. So they would get dressed up one way, take a few shots, and then get dressed up in an entirely different way, and take some more. This all revolved around a Ford Mustang, which took centre stage in the picture, complete with a shameless plug to go to UPN.Com to enter some contest.

Cassie whined about too much going on in her head: - news of her uncle being sick had her worried - news from Marc Bouwer that her thighs were actually a 39, not a 35 - news that drag queens exist

Tocarra meanwhile had to strap her 38DDD (GONG!) puppies down. She argued with the wardrobe person about it not being her fault that she was big and that they should have her size in stock, ready to go! I agree, Tocarra. It definitely is not your fault that the fashion industry tailors to skinny-ass beeyatches.

In the apartment, the girls as usual fretted about who was going to be going home. Norelle smothered herself in her bed with a plate of what looked suspiciously like McDonald's food and said, "This is the kind of food you eat when you're depressed." Somewhere around North America, McDonald's suddenly saw a peak in their sales. I must agree with Norelle, though. There's nothing quite like a Filet o' Fish, McChicken, and Fries when feeling down. Or happy. Or just bored.

The panel was not that exciting this week, other than having Jay Manuel in drag be a guest judge. Oh wait a sec, that's just Janice Dickinson! Silly me.

Cassie, who hated New York, who has thunder thighs, who does pilates in her underwear, who didn't really want to be there anyway, was sent home. "I can't wait to get back to Oklahoma!"she said. "Away from all these girls! I never want to live with girls again!" She packed up her bags and could not rush out the door fast enough, as if she was being chased by a drag queen.

Posted by at 5:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

It's been a whole week since erstwhile aspiring model Kelle was ejected from America's Next Top Model which means that it's time for new women to fixate on body parts they just hate. Granted, no one else knows how to capture that Lifetime TV melodrama the way Kelle did as she gazed at her "snout" in the mirror for hours before collapsing into a bundle of tears, but Cassie and Norelle were willing to give it a run for the money.

Last night's show kicked off as a Very Sad Episode for Cassie. While all the other girls bounced around on their beds for no apparent reason (except maybe rampant coke use), Cassie moped on the phone to her boyfriend and informed him that he'd have to move to NYC. Uh, not so much. Boyfriend wasn't so keen on that. Ouch, another tough blow for Cassie who was still reeling from Anne writing in her low-carb brownies last week (seriously, you would have thought someone had drawn a swastika in there). As she hung up with her boyfriend, America wondered: Will Cassie ever be happy?????

Probably not. Elsewhere in the apartment, Norelle - aka Paris Hilton's biggest fan - spent the evening examining her stomach. Apparently she had found a whole centimeter of fat on it and that was like not cool. You see, she wants her stomach more "abby and less flabby." I wonder if this will happen before or after she gets her doctorate in moron sciences? In other news, Tocarra literally went to sleep with a whole fried chicken and what appeared to be the tasting menu of the local bakery by her side - in case she gets hungry in the middle of the night. Usually, if I get hungry while I'm sleeping, I usually, you know, go back to sleep and wait until breakfast.

The next day, when the girls received their Tyra Mail (Tyra's not only a postmaster, she's also a general), they learned that they were to have "Go-Sees" with various high-end fashion designers such as Diane Von Furstenberg, Nicole Miller, and Marc Bauwer. What's a Go-See, you ask? Well, luckily Tyra Banks appeared randomly in front of a blue screen with clouds to explain that it's sort of like a cold call audition where models walk for designers. Then, in a blink of the eye, Tyra was gone, off to whatever blue-screened celestial place she had come from.

The gals all headed to Nicole Miller for their first Go-See (and by the way, could they have come up with a dumber term? Models...). Yaya of course sashayed around like a dancer diva would. Nicole Miller commented that her name was so unusual. "Actually, it's pretty common in West Africa," replied Yaya. Yeah Nicole Miller! Way to not be up on your West African names, you ignorant bitch. Somehow, this little interchange resulted in an incredibly awkward moment where Nicole Miller simply let out an "Oh..." as if to say "Wow, I knew you were black but I didn't realize you were THAT black."

After the Nicole Miller go-see, a few of the models headed to the next appointment with Nanette Lepore while the rest went shoe shopping with Amanda. You see, our favorite blind model left her high heels at the apartment, so that of course necessitated that a gaggle of girls join her to find a replacement. Unsurprisingly, the group spent too long browsing and it wasn't long before they were running around Manhattan like chickens with their heads cut off. Very skinny, bitchy chickens, that is. If there's anything that The Amazing Race has taught us, it's that models racing cluelessly always makes fun television.

The ladies all eventually arrived about twenty minutes late to the go-see where Nanette Lepore scolded them about tardiness. I couldn't help but notice Eva who was sucking down a Frappucino. I suppose that mad dash across Manhattan included a quick pitstop at Starbucks. I wouldn't challenge Eva on it though because you know all you'd get would be "So I wanted Starbucks? That's just me! That's Eva!"

The go-sees continued without incident until everyone reached Marc Bauwer - an alterna-Carson Kressley for the UPN set. We knew this guy was a douche when he opened his mouth and let out a Madonna-worthy fake English accent (he arbitrarily pronounced "four" like "fowe"). Not afraid to show his boredom and disdain for this whole circus, Marc ordered the girls around brusquely and executed spot on gay passive aggressiveness with a few well timed rolling eyes. When the eye-rolling technique wasn't making the girls feel badly enough about themselves, he decided to go for a more obvious approach. He somehow honed in on the bulimic girl (Cassie) and told her her thighs were too big. Wait, actually, let's measure them just to be sure! Indeed, Marc pulled out the measuring tape and announced that yes, Cassie at a 39 size was too much of a big, fat, ugly thigh monster. Great. Everyone do your business in the bathroom now because Cassie's got dibs on it the rest of the night.

Poor Cassie. I do feel badly for her. Bulimia is hard enough to handle in a normal environment, let alone in a nationally televised competition with other skinny hot girls. At dinner that night at The Sunburnt Cow (which is neither sunburnt nor a cow - discuss), she seemed positively rattled from her Marc Bauwer experience, and as she sipped her diet coke with lime and watched the others chow down on kangaroo, Cassie commented that everything is really cloudy up in her head. Bad news Cassie. That usually means you're an idiot.

While Cassie pouted, the rest of the girls went wild. First Norelle kissed Ann, and then a bunch of the models all crammed into the tiny bathtub and frolicked. Of course Yaya did not partake. Instead she savored some wine and pretended like she was at a jazz club with the Huxtables.

The next day was photo shoot day. "Miss" J Alexander greeted the girls dressed in a Hilfiger-esque outfit that was a far cry from the disheveled tranny look he had previously harnessed. Then an extravagant drag queen showed up - and while America was able to piece this one together quickly (J Alexander is dressed like a guy today, so that's clearly Jay Manuel), the models were a little slow on the uptake. Cassie in particular was a few beats behind the band.

"This is a really ugly woman," she said in an interview. Uh, yeah. I expected her to add, "She even has a penis!" When everyone finally put everything together, Cassie responded with a simple "Gross!" Wait 'till you find out how he has sex, Cassie.

Anyway, the purpose for these stunts was to introduce a photo shoot where the models would dress like themselves and their alter egos. In the case of Ann, that meant getting dolled up like Marilu Henner for one photo and then like Grace Jones's long lost white sister for another. As for Cassie, her alter ego seemed to have an uncanny resemblance to Gary Oldman in Dracula (in a dress, natch). Yaya announced that her alter ego was a 17th century courtesan, which is totally cool because I never knew that 17th century courtesans had leather fetishes, but according to Yaya's outfit, dominatrix chic was all the rage in the Jacobean court.

Tocarra meanwhile was wishing her alter ego was skinny. She and the wardrobe lady got into a spat, culminating with Tocarra getting pinched in the back. Later, when the entire experience just became too much for her, Tocarra cried about how hard it is to stay upbeat. Unfortunately I had to mute the TV at this time, lest her dog whistle sobbing attracted the neighborhood pooches.

Eventually, it was time to head to "panel", as they call it. The models were greeted by Tyra Banks, who apparently was fresh back from some sort of Mad Max enthusiast conference. For the test, she announced that the panel (featuring Marc Bauwer) would pretend to be a fashion label called "House of Je Ne Sais Quoi", which is only mildly more amusing than the runner up name, "House of Really Dumb People Passing Judgment."

As usual, the panel drilled the models, with Marc Bauwer at one point insisting "I want to see some spark." And by "spark", he meant botox. A whole truck full. Honestly, I don't know how that guy drinks water. During the deliberations, Janice made the stunning comment that "Eva's still short." In other news, Janice is still an ugly plastic surgery disaster.

After a heated debate on who should go, Tyra Banks took her regal stance above the models and entered her weekly robot mode: "I have seven photos" she announced somberly. Wouldn't it be great if she went into robot mode more often? Hey, Tyra - do you have any change? "I HAVE THREE NICKELS." Hey, Tyra - want something from the vending machine? "I HAVE A SNICKERS BAR ALREADY." Eh, it's probably funnier spoken rather than read.

Anyway, the final selection came down between Tocarra and Cassie, with the latter girl getting the boot - no pun intended. The good news for Cassie is that she can return to her boyfriend and never have to see again those scary men who kiss other men and sometimes dress like women. The bad news? Oh, just an eating disorder. Yay!

Posted by at 12:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

After a solid three seasons worth of investigating the often strange inhabitants of Smallville, the producers have started to venture outside of the Sunflower State in order to find some of the wackos they need to help hone Clark Kent's powers. Lana had been in Paris, and Lex has been in Egypt. Previously, we learned that Bart Allen has super speed, but was not from Smallville. Continuing with that theme,we get another foreign enemy to deal with this week. It turns out that Lionel Luthor was running a program for exchange students and one student, besides possessing the worst Eastern European accent I have heard in a long time, also has some mind control power that even Clark is not immune to.

Although Clark was thinking of quitting football when his body was inhabitated by Lionel Luthor, cooler heads prevail, and Clark is just about to carry his team to the state championship. Fancying themselves some sort high school version o fthe Jacksonville Jaguars, using the last play of the game to propel them to victory. Oddly enough, with Clark Kent playing football, the team from Smallville had been able to play their way into the state semi-finals. This game comes down to a last minute play as well, with Clark executing an option pitch to his running back(no B-side, nobody on the team is named Randle-El), who seems to have a clear path to the end zone. Inexplicably, the running back fumbles the ball, but before Smallville's dreams are completely shattered, Clark waltzes in, recovers the fumble, and takes the football the last few yards for the score. Just before reaching the end zone, something strange happens. Clark trips, loses control of himself for a minute, and slams the last remaining defender to the ground.

For those of you who don't follow Superman or Smallville, Clark Kent doesn't trip, or really have any misstep whatsoever. Every time he makes a motion, or touches another person or thing, he has to be aware of his strength and hold back. It turns out that the exchange student, Mikhail Mxyzptlk (pronounced mihks - il - PIHT -uhl - ik), is a bookie and uses his powers of persuasion to make sure that the house never loses. He caused the fumble, and then Clark's near stumble. Clark didn't completely fall, but it did break his concentration enough that when he hit the defender while going into the end zone, he broke the defender's collarbone in two places. (A broken collarbone is a *very* painful injury, and takes months to heal.) Mikhail was surprised at what he saw, but thought it was just dumb luck. It looks like he'll end up having to pay the bet of the person who bet on Smallville to win, one Chloe Sullivan.

As you might imagine, Chloe placed her bet as part of an exposé on gambling for the Torch, but she is not the only person that has taken an interest in Mikhail. Lex Luthor, while reviewing the details of his father's exchange program, noticed that Mikhail was only an average student, and wondered if his dad saw something in Mikhail that others may have missed. When Lex confronts Mikhail, who dances around the question, and only says Lionel saw potential that others haven't. For spite, he makes Lex cut his finger while Lex attempts to cut some food. He leaves the Luthor mansion to meet up with Chloe, and she confesses that she is writing an article. He asks her not to use his name, and in return will show her the seedy underbelly of Smallville. Um, yeah. Their first stop on this tour? Why a trip to Metropolis of course to watch the Sharks (who also don't have Antoine Randle-El) and bet on the game, at 8 - 1 odds of course.

Things aren't going so smoothly at the Kent farm. Clark's parents knew right away what happened when the injured player on the other team was down, and Jonathan said that Clark had to stop playing football. While at the party to celebrate their place in the championship game, Clark tells Coach Teague they need to talk. Earlier Jason had mentioned to Clark that the head coach believes that Clark may be using steroids, there is just nothing else to explain how Clark does some of the things he does, including going from a farm boy to throwing sixty yard passes. Before Clark can say anything, a bunch of cheerleaders come in, they bring a big cake, and the head coach tells them that they have a great chance to win the state championship, and a lot of the reason for that is Clark Kent. Clark sees how much his teammates want the victory, how their performance in the championship might mean scholarships for some people, and decides that he can't quit, but wonders if there is any way he could level the playing field. The next morning, he tries a little experiment, placing a small piece of Kryptonite in his hand to make his abilities more human. He can't throw for shit of course, and Martha walks in and discovers the Kryptonite. Mrs. Kent tells him that it's too dangerous to play with Kryptonite, but that he must find out what caused him to lose control in the game if he wants to play on Saturday.

To investigate, Clark spends some time in the Torch offices reviewing the play, when Chloe walks in. Surprisingly, Chloe doesn't kill him for what he did last week, which comes as sort of surprise. Clark mentions that he felt strange on that play, like his mind was saying one thing, but his body was doing another. Chloe knows exactly what he means. After she returned from watching the Shark's play the day before, she had bought herself some gifts (she is using the bulk of her savings for college tuition). Mikhail asked her if she enjoyed herself, and told her that if she held off on the article, he could show her more, and throws in some euro trash pickup lines just for good measure. When Chloe refuses to back down, he threatens her a little more strongly, and as a transparent display of his power, forces Chloe to kiss him. Chloe doesn't stop the article, but she does let Clark know that Mikhail is one of the biggest bookies in the school. While researching his name, they find no matches, but the search engine suggests looking the name up in reverse order. Now looking up "KLTPZYMX" (I'm not even going to try and pronounce it), they find an old Balkan legend about race of people who would terrorize a town because they could manipulate chance. They were only stopped by a plague of locusts. So while they had their solution, it looked like it was going to be difficult to pull off, but at least they didn't have to turn any rivers to blood or kill of all the first born.

Clark tries to take things into his own hands. He knows that Luthorcorp runs the foundation, and rats Mikhail out to Clark about Mikhail's side activities. Lex is curious as to why Clark is so interested, but combined with his earlier reservations about Mikhail, decides to go ahead and deport him. When Lex informs Mikhail of the plan, Mikhail convinces Lex to place a wager on the game. If the Smallville wins, Lex can have Mikhail deported. If they lose, Lex must set Mikhail free, and give him a million dollars. Lex agrees, and Mikhail plays a visit to Clark to make sure his plan goes through. He is unaware of Clark's powers, but knows that Clark is the only one who was able to recover from one of his mind control acts. Mikhail tells Clark he must throw the game, but can't sit out. To show he means business, Mikhail uses his ability to choke Clark, who can't do anything to stop it. He allows Clark to breathe, and leaves, thinking he can't be stopped.

Just before the game, Clark meets with Chloe. She did a little investigating (surprise!) about the locusts, and says that in order for locusts to not run into each other, they emit a high frequency noise. She thinks that if they can reproduce that noise, they should be able to stop Mikhail for good. Chloe even knows a way to reproduce that sound, and tells Clark to go ahead and play the game. Now, I am sure the producers were very proud of their little montage of Clark getting ready for the game. It was full of the generic images of somebody getting ready for a big game, it is them against the world, blah, blah, blah. What I didn't get was why they had all of a sudden turned the football game into a big commercial for Old Spice Red Zone deodorant. I mean, it was in Clark's locker when he was getting ready, which is no big deal, but during the climactic part of the montage where they are running out of the tunnel and back on the field, there is this big Red Zone banner across the entrance. They try not to be too obvious about it, but it is plain as day that they are trying to work it in to every shot possible. The other problem I had with the montage is that we got this image of Clark getting ready in the locker room. He puts on his pads, uniform, and helmet, and he is alone in the locker room. But when they cut to the shot of the team heading to the field, his is suddenly back with all of his teammates. And speaking of things that don't make sense, when he was talking with Lex about Mikhail the day before, Lex had no visible sign that he had been cut. I know Lex doesn't get sick that often, but god wouldn't he have a band-aid on it, if not some stitches?

Enough of my ranting, as Clark leaves the field, his dad stops him and asks him why he is continuing to play. Clark tells him that he and Chloe are confident that they can stop Mikhail, and that this is one decision that if he is the one to take responsibility of his actions, he must be responsible for his own decisions. Jonathan understands, and Clark goes on to play the game. You may be wondering just exactly what it is that Chloe can do to stop Mikhail and how she is going to reproduce the locust frequency. Ahh, you forget that Chloe has a three star general for an uncle, and he is more than willing to give her the tools necessary to recreate the frequency, in this case, it was a stealth airplane jammer. She connects it to the PA system, and blasts the frequency while the game is going on. Since the noise is beyond the level of human hearing, nobody in the crowd or on the field notice anything, but Mikhail is powerless to change any of the action going on before him. Smallville is in the middle of a hard fought game when Mikhail realizes that the sound is not natural and is coming from the field speakers. He rushes to the transmission room, finds Chloe, and pulls a knife on her.

Mikhail returns to the sideline just as Smallville is about to pull of yet another last second play to try and win the state championship. He tells Clark that he has Chloe, and that Clark is going to throw the game or she is dead. Clark thinks about his options, is giving his count at the line of scrimmage, but uses his x-ray vision to find exactly where Mikahil is holding Chloe. In the middle of the play, which is a long pass, Clark uses his speed to run off of the field, find Chloe and Mikhail, free her from handcuffs, knock his knife away and throw him across the room, then returns in plenty of time to get hit before anybody else knows what is going on. He did get his pass off, which of course is good, and wins the game. Clark is a hero, Smallville wins the championship, and Chloe is safe. Not too bad for one day of work. After a night of partying, he comes home. His parents fake being upset with him for breaking curfew, but are really just proud of him. Chloe walks in to thank Clark. She says he can never stay in her dog house for long, and it looks like they are back to being friends, which is good, because now that football is over, it would make for some awkward moments when Clark got back to the torch.

For Mikhail, it wasn't a great day. He lost the bet and lost his power, but Lex Luthor still took a great interest in him. Lex didn't put him in jail, and instead took him to a secret floor at Luthorcorp headquarters. Mikhail says that he is no longer with his gift, but Lex assures him that it is possible to regain what you have lost. We don't see what Lex means, but I hypothesize that Lex has been rounding up a lot of the people who have been stopped by Clark in the past including some kids who were in the mental hospital when Clark was committed. Perhaps somebody who knows the comic more than I can help me elaborate, but I can't be too sure as of now. I do know that Mxyzptlk is a real character from the comics, although I believe he was not human and he didn't have any mind control powers. Anyway, it looks like Lex is back to his old tricks, or has learned some new ones. I'm guessing that we will have a real showdown between these two this year.

Back at school, Clark is looking for Coach Teague. It turns out a Metropolis University scout was at the game, and he offered Clark scholarship. Clark wanted to thank Jason for all of the help, but when he asks Lana where he is, she is visibly upset. A few days before, she had talked to Jason about Clark, and they talked about how Clark might be using drugs. Lana assured him that he was not, and Jason revealed the head coach asked him to take a blood test, but Jason was worried Clark would try to retaliate by making their relationship known, so he administered no test, but said it came back clean. Lana assured Jason that Clark wouldn't do anything on a grudge, and not to be too worried, although he needed the job to stay in college (how that works is anybody's guess). Anyway, Lana says that somebody made her relationship with Jason known, and he was fired. Since Clark is apparently the only person who knows, she blames him. Maybe it is his fault, but how much work is there in the off season for an assistant football coach who doesn't appear to teach class? The team has already won the football championship, is he going on to coach basketball or something? What's the deal? And secondly, somebody else might have found out. It is a small town, and you would think that somebody might discover that the coach is paying visits to a student at school, considering that student happens to live above the number one social hangout in the whole town.

It turns out Clark was responsible, but in an indirect way. He had told Lex about Lana's relationship, but thought he could trust him. Lex was in fact the one that got Jason fired, but Clark realizes that it is not simply a matter of Lex showing loyalty for Clark's interest. Earlier Lex had told Clark that he must be willing to do anything for the woman he loves, just like he is willing to do anything to win on the football field. It's quite apparent that Lex has at least some interest in Lana. It confirms something we have wondered for quite awhile, and have been hinted to on and off for some time. Lex was the one to save the Talon by going into business with Lana, and was the one that helped get her to Paris, he has always been slightly creepy, but his affection for her could always be construed as he was looking out for Clark. It does add a nice little wrinkle to the whole thing, and I wonder how Clark is going to get himself out of Lana's dog house. But don't worry all of you Jason fans, he is on the main credits, so it's not like they won't have him back for future episodes.

Posted by at 8:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

We're only a few episodes into the latest season of Patheticfest 2004 - aka The Real World/Road Rules Battles of the Sexes 2 - but MTV is already stirring it's pot for the next installment of our favorite campy competition. The next season is still unnamed, but according to MTV.com, the twist is that we the viewer allegedly get to choose the teams. Now, when I read that, I immediately got excited. For once we could shatter the egos of Veronica, Coral, Mike, Katie, and Abram by vetoing them for the next season. But alas, my hopes were soon dashed when I discovered that we don't have any say on the cast members per se but only which team they'll wind up on.

Still, that's not a bad deal. Teams are divided into "Naughty" or "Nice" categories, which is Bunim/Murray's euphemistic way of saying "Sluts, assholes, and idiots" or "Who is that girl again?" I suppose this upcoming season will be some sort of morality play, if there can be one in the Bunim/Murray universe.

I therefore make this plea to voters. Don't try to sort players into "Naughty" or "Nice" categories. Think about the teams. What will be the most interesting to watch? Maybe one team should be all old people while another is young. Oooh, or maybe minorities against the white folk? At the very least, get people who hate each other on the same team: Veronica and Emily, Veronica and Katie, Veronica and Amaya, Amaya and Colin, Coral and Julie, Julie and Melissa, etc. Okay, so maybe this will be Battle of the Sexes 3...

Get all the info here.

Posted by at 4:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

We love our fans here at TVgasm, and so we were particularly flattered by these two ladies and their capelet ambitions for their pooches. I'll just let their email explain.

Last Saturday inspired by B-sides' picture of the pooch in the capelet, from your Oct. 22 Aprentice posting, (and fueled by a bottle of wine with lunch) we could not resist putting one of the season's hottest
accessories on a dog statue in Nordstroms! We almost go kicked out by
security!

Then fueled by more wine and the Halloween Spirit we decided to dress up the dogs at home as Maria from the apprentice. Note the capelet and large flower broaches!

Much Lover from TVGASMs biggest fans,

Erika and Eloise

Posted by at 3:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

As we all know, honest, unbiased reporting is rare in the American media these days. Fortunately, now we have Fox News to show us the way with its "Fair and Balanced" approach. A godsend! The results are astonishing!

Exhibit A:

  10/30/04
  Fox News poll: Bush up by 2%
  Fox News headline: FOX POLL: BUSH UP BY TWO POINTS OVER KERRY

  11/1/04
  Fox News poll: Kerry up by 2%
  Fox News headline: FOX NATIONAL POLL: VOTERS SPLIT

Commendable! With such lofty standards of fairness and balance in mind, TVgasm presents 2004 election coverage, minute-by-minute from TVgasm Election Headquarters in Manhattan.

8:30pm
Just started watching coverage. So I'm a little late. A couple states at the bottom are red, a couple at the top are blue. Blah blah blah.

8:39pm, CNN
Wolf Blitzer explains the red-vs.-blue coloring of states on the map. OH MY GOD SO THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS.

8:42pm, NBC
Tom Brokaw asks Howard Dean if we should have a "fusion goverment." Yes, Tom, then we could rename the White House "Chez Nippon" or "Chinois on Main." Wolfgang Puck could be Secretary of Scallions.

8:45pm, NBC
Tom Brokaw notes that Kerry, Edwards, Bush, and Cheney each have two daughters. Wait, one of them is a lesbian? You mean like a L*E*S*B*I*A*N?!?? I hadn't heard. My, that's shocking!

8:48pm, CNN
Speaking of gays, it's Anderson Cooper! Way to play straight to keep your Nielsens up in the red states!

8:51pm, NBC
Now it's Brian Williams, the new NBC Nightly News anchor slated to replace Tom Brokaw effective tomorrow. Whoa, he looks just like... Tom Brokaw.

8:54pm, ABC
The venerable Peter Jennings is wearing a red AND blue tie. Make up your damn mind.

8:57pm, CNN
Paula Zahn mediates a panel consisting of Crossfire regulars James Carville, Paul Begala, Bob Novak, and Tucker Carlson—a recipe for calm, non-shrill debate if I ever saw one. Carville looks like a Skeletor bobblehead doll. Paula, inexplicably, is wearing one of those headset-style mics. Maybe she's auditioning for Rent.

9:00pm, CNN
Wolf Blitzer LOVES the big CNN projection board. Sticking to his trademark subtlety, he predicts that the Colorado electoral-vote-splitting ballot amendment "will go down, will fail, will not be passed." Thanks for the clarification, Herr Blitzer. Maybe repeat it for us in sign language. Tagalog? Esperanto?

9:01pm, CNN
Wolf prances giddily out in front of the projection board, proclaiming "Let's tally!" OH YES, LET'S.

9:02pm, CNN
Okay, now Wolf is getting lost in the big projection board. He can't find states. Is this his first election? Or is he just an idiot.

9:04pm, CNN
Aha, Larry King! I knew he'd rear his heavily-embalmed head at some point.

9:06pm, CNN
Speaking of embalmed, Judy Woodruff appears. Judy, that sweater... severe.

9:09pm, CNN
Now Wolf is interviewing Washington Post heavyweight Bob Woodward. Bob likes to pronounce "measure" like MAYzhure and "mature" like maTOOR. Wolf asks Bob repeatedly, in as many ways as he can think of, who will win the election:
  Wolf: "So, Bob, what's your feeling at this point?"
  Bob: "I think it's too close to call."
  Wolf: "How are the battleground states looking?"
  Bob: "I really think we'll have to wait and see."
  Wolf: "Any indications one way or the other?"
  Bob: "Not yet."
  Wolf: "But do you have a feeling, Bob?"
  Bob: "Die."

9:10pm, CNN
Larry King, armed with ceaseless stupid questions, continues to lower the lowest common denominator. Cause we really need that in America.

9:14pm, CNN
Oh, now it's Rudy Giuliani, still displaying buttburn as a result of his recent precipitous slide from America's Mayor down to Puppet-Henchman-in-Chief. Rudy lauds Bush to no end and feels "tremendous personal devotion to him." I take that to mean no-strings fellatio on Tuesday evenings, but if anyone has an alternate explanation, by all means.

9:26pm, CNN
Wolf WILL NOT SHUT UP about "raw data." I guess he just really prefers it raw.

9:27pm, Fox News
Time to hold our noses and switch to Fox News. Greeting us with a twinkle in her "eyes" is Greta Van Susteren. Charming!

9:28pm, Fox News
Oh, big surprise, Rudy shows up on Fox. Harlot.

9:34pm, CNN
Not sure why all the networks are crazy about street-level glassed-in studios in Midtown. In any case, the hordes of fans/maniacs behind the glass at the CNN studio are just begging for mass euthanasia. Maybe Herr Blitzer can take care of it.

9:36pm, CNN
Commentator David Gergen says momentum is shifting toward Bush. Hmph.

9:40pm, ABC
RNC chairman Ed Gillespie, speaking into a HUGE microphone, deigns to interview with the liberal media from his spot at the Bush party in DC. Seriously, that microphone makes him look like Wink Martindale. Peter Jennings, in full passive-aggressive mode, asks Gillespie why more swing states haven't yet gone to Bush. Dear Peter should switch to a blue tie it seems.

9:43pm, ABC
Swarthy munchkin George Stephanopoulos and Mr. Jennings have their panties in a bunch about an alleged forthcoming video appearance by Bush. What could it be? Did he choke on another pretzel? Was it a FUSION PRETZEL?!?

9:44pm, ABC
Up next, the ever-patrician George F. Will, bowtie in tiptop shape. Apparently Mr. Will doesn't "vote" like the rest of us but rather "vOHHtes." For whatever reason, ABC is using a shaky handheld camera to show Mr. Will's panel. Jesus, this isn't 28 Days Later. OR WILL IT BE???

9:45pm, ABC
Presidential historian Michael Beschloss appears in a very blue tie. He looks highly botoxed and Donny Osmond-ish. Next up, Captain and Tennille.

9:48pm, NBC
Ooh, I love Tim Russert because he HATES Jim DeMint, the new Senate winner (Republican, of course) from South Carolina. With good reason: DeMint is on the record stating that neither gays nor single mothers should be allowed to teach in public schools, and that abortion should be banned even in instances of grave danger to the life of the mother. Way to build a bridge to FASCISM.

9:50pm, NBC
Finally, the much-touted Bush video appearance. It turns out to be Bush talking about his goddamn dog. Says he's "very upbeat... it's gonna be an exciting evening." Well, with a vice-presidential mansion full of hot, hot lesbians, how could it not be?

9:52pm, CNN
Paula Zahn is back, fetching and snappy in her smart yellow suit, headset prominent. And an ACCOMPLISHED CELLIST, I might add.

9:53pm, CNN
Bob Novak predicts a 269–269 tie in the Electoral College. GREAT. Time for another drink. Thank god for spell-check.

9:54pm, CNN
P.Za won't shut up about 269–269. Oh REALLY, Paula, 69? Let's get out your "CELLO." I hear you're QUITE ACCOMPLISHED.

9:59pm, CNN
Wolf not only turns YET AGAIN to the projection board but, this time, announces beforehand, "AND I'LL TURN TO OUR PROJECTION BOARD." Anticlimactically, he bellows that it "DOESN'T LOOK LIKE WE CAN MAKE ANY OTHER PROJECTIONS RIGHT NOW." Way to go.

10:01pm, CNN
Wolf once again explains red vs. blue states. For god's sake, we get it.

10:03pm, CNN
Wolf and Jeff Greenfield spend five minutes showing us numbers, then both say that the numbers are totally misleading because only about 1% of precincts have reported. Brilliant.

10:04pm, CNN
Kerry campaign adviser Joe Lockhart tells us that JFK2 is eating dinner with Terezzzzza. Eating camarão, francesinhas, and pimentão vermelho cortado em cubinhos, no doubt.

10:08pm, CNN
I just realized. Where the hell is Aaron Brown?

10:15pm, CNN
Jeff Greenfield bestows a new moniker on the CNN projection board. It's now the Wall of Numbers. BOW DOWN.

10:17pm, CNN
Barack Obama is about to start his victory speech for the Senate race from Illinois. Crazy right-wing carpetbagging opponent Alan Keyes has already started burning crosses in protest. Oh wait, he's black too. How does that work?

10:18pm, CNN
Okay, Mrs. Obama just introduced her husband not as "my husband" but as "my baby's daddy."

10:20pm, ABC
John McCain predicts that Bush would govern far more toward the center in a second term. Right, and sunbeams are shining out my ass.

10:23pm, NBC
Local news break on WNBC. Who is that awful voice shrieking in the background at the Chuck Schumer victory party? Oh, it's just Hillary Rodham Clinton and her "folksy" mode of speech-delivery. Future president? No way. She'll be lucky if she gets Health & Human Services. Even HUD is a stretch.

10:24pm, PBS
Making a brief pit stop at PBS in an attempt to boost TVgasm journalistic credibility. Despite one panelist who looks hilariously like a cracked-out Bill Cosby, PBS really is as boring as they say. Back to the networks!

10:33pm, CNN
Aaron Brown. Finally.

10:42pm, CNN
It's CNN's resident morning-show prettyboy, Bill Hemmer. Hmmm... gay? Getting freaky on the downlow with Dr. Sanjay Gupta perhaps? Only Paula Zahn's hairdresser knows for sure.

10:46pm, CNN
Trading proudly in stereotypes, commentator Bill Schneider claims that "when you think of South Florida, you think of SENIORS and LATINOS!" Hey Bill, don't forget the JEWS and FAIRIES!!

10:48pm, ABC
A half hour later, Obama is still speaking. Alright, I really like you, but shut the hell up.

10:56pm, Comedy Central
Holy god, we totally forgot about The Daily Show. Way behind on the electoral vote count, but way more fun.

11:15pm, PBS
Cracked-out Bill Cosby is back! And certainly NOT able to focus his eyes. Who the hell is this guy? The other panelists are RIVETED.

11:18pm, Comedy Central
Time for another Daily Show break because these states are taking way too long to turn red or blue. Jesus, this is like waiting for Clear Blue Easy.

11:29pm, CNN
Appropriately, they pick Anderson Cooper to talk about how 11 states just smacked down gay marriage. In all seriousness, Mr. Cooper's brow is tellingly furrowed. Don't out yourself, Anderson, or Fox News will pull ahead in Idaho!

11:35pm, NBC
Chief GOP fur-trader Karen Hughes appears for a quick interview, perhaps only to remind us that Mary Cheney isn't the only raging bulldyke working for Bush-Cheney '04.

11:44pm, CNN
Candy Crowley has finally finished at the election-night buffet and is ready to make her report. Actually, wait a second, she's still chewing.

11:50pm, CBS
For some comic relief, we turn to CBS. Dan Rather and his panel get right down to business, shit all over my optimism, and call Florida for Bush.

12:50am
After an hour-long hiatus, spent finishing wine dregs and waiting for the uptown E train, yours truly returns home to find that... nothing has changed. This is like 2000, only worse now that I'm EST rather than PST.

1:00am, NBC
Dearly nearly-departed Mr. Brokaw calls Ohio as a Bush victory. Dick.

1:33am, NBC
Now Mr. Brokaw says the Kerry campaign is disputing the Ohio numbers.

2:19am
Okay PST folks, we ESTers are heading to bed. Fifty bucks says I wake up to find that... nothing has changed. As Jon Stewart says, democracy inaction.

2:20am–8:29am
Zzzzzzzzzzzz.

8:30am
I wake up to find that... nothing has changed. Maybe Kerry should just concede. Can we put him on the $20 bill as a consolation prize? Oh wait, he's already on there.

9:15am
As I walk to work, a woman (Haitian?) runs up to me in frenzied worry on the street, holding a copy of the New York Post over her head and shouting, "De rednecks down south, dey vote for de Bush!!" No joke.

11:35am
Kerry concedes—gracefully, thank god. Anyone have an apartment rental abroad? Four-year lease? Perfect.

Posted by at 9:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (17)

Remember Real World: Las Vegas? Remember that feeling you got when an episode revolved around the tempestuous relationship of Alton and Irulan? You know, that empty, I-wanna-gouge-my-eyes-out-with-a-pencil feeling? Well, I'm happy to announce that it's back once again in the form of Real World: Philadelphia's Landon and Shavonda, two of the more unappealing cast members this side of the Paris season. Luckily, last night's episode did not deal with their increasingly annoying relationship (that appears to be on the docket for next week). Instead, we had another foray into the world of Hometown Honeys, and unsurprisingly, it was dull and boring. There was lots of red, drunken booting though, and if there's anything Bunim/Murray loves to dramatize, it's vomit.

Truthfully, Bunim/Murray must have been jizzing themselves with the way this episode played out. It started off with Landon and Sarah wandering through a park in Philly, appropriately stumbling upon the famouse Love sculpture. At the moment, I thought it was just random B-Roll to portray the burgeoning friendship between Landon and Sarah's boobs, but sneaky Bunim/Murray had slipped some bona fide foreshadowing in our path.

I guess seeing a sculpture about love made Landon think about, you know, love. He soon was babbling to Sarah about his ex, Becky, whom he dated for seven years. "Becky has such compaaaasion," opined Landon with a touch of that Wisconsin accent we've grown to love (and by love, I mean mock). Sadly, Becky's compassion does not extend to Landon because she broke his heart and started dating his roommate. I wonder if this was Landon's black roommate. Rumor is he's HILArious.

Well, as luck would have it, while Landon was telling stories of love lost, the famous Becky just so happened to call the mansion to say she was in town. Melanie took the message, and I was honestly surprised that she didn't weigh in with some passive aggressive judgement like "Becky, so great to talk to you! I'm surprised you called. I would never, NEVER call my ex boyfriend who's still in love with me."

When Landon did eventually get the message, he eagerly called up his Becky Wecky and the two engaged in predictably boring chatter. They giggled about how fortuitous it was that she was in town for the night because of a botched layover in Philly. "A guy had a stroke on our plane," said Becky happily. He had a stroke! Yay!

Well, what else was there to do except go out and get drunk? Landon applied half a jar of pommade to his hair - as usual - and scurried out to fetch Becky and her mystery friend. Gosh, why would someone shy away from this moment in the reality spotlight? We found out later, but first we had to pay a visit to resident shrew Shavonda.

See, Shavonda had big things on her mind. She had sent ex-boyfriend Shaun a "cuddle card" which for all you non-cuddle card savants is a type of e-card (and an e-card, for all you non e-card savants, is a really lame way of cluttering up your friends' inboxes with saccharine animations). Well, according to Shavonda, Shaun ALWAYS gushes over the cuddle cards, but this time he hadn't said anything about it. Hmmm... Maybe he only gushed over them when the prospect of booty was still available. Unless he's, you know, gay. I mean, cuddle card??

Anyway, instead of doing the mature, adult thing and saying to Shaun, "Hey, did you get my Cuddle Card?", Shavonda opted for a more yenta-ish approach by accessing his email and scouring his inbox. Okay, that's pretty bad, but if she just looked to see that it had arrived and then logged off, it would be forgiveable (apparently, it hadn't arrived). Of course, Shavonda hasn't always been a paradigm of class - as evidenced by her careful rifling through Shaun's emails. Nosy Shavonda soon discovered that Shaun's ex girlfriend had flown him down to her place for the weekend. WELL!

Shavonda immediately rang up Shaun and asked him a few leading questions like "Do you have anything to tell me?" When that fishing trip yielded no results, she just went in for the kill, squawking, "I checked yours [email] today to see if you got my cuddle card which by the way you DIDN'T!" I was surprised that she didn't add "Your ISP is down, you might want to think about THAT too. Also, Yahoo has been a little slow today, but I guess you wouldn't know that, WOULD YOU????"

The two went at it, with Shavonda complaining that Shaun went out of state without telling her. So is she a parole officer on the side or something? Honestly, Shavonda has to put on a muzzle and go away for a few episodes. Later in the episode, Shaun called and asked for one more shot. One more shot at what? They're broken up. Shavonda just hung up on him. Finally, one of these people made a decisive move. Please MTV, let that be the last of that saga.

Meanwhile, back at the Wisconsin reunion, Becky and Landon and Mystery Friend continued to drink the night away. The three made their way over to a booze cruise (which appeared to be some hick with a speedboat). Around this time we discovered why Mystery Friend decided to remain a mystery as she let forth a torrent of red, watery vomit... for the rest of the night. Landon and Becky tended to their stumpy little friend as she waddled down the streets of Philly in a drunken stupor, and for some reason, this turn of events soured the lovey-dovey time Landon and Becky were having. Later, as the group waited on a stoop for a cab to arrive, Becky asked her friend "Are you really really sick?" Uh no, she's just wretching for comedic effect. In other news, Becky is an idiot.

Becky's friend casts her vote on Election Night

Later, Landon found a cubby in the bathroom and cried. Sarah, wandering around in search of sexual gratification and/or... well, pretty much sexual gratification, found the big oaf teary-eyed and did her best supportive friend routine. "Let me open my vagina to you," her eyes seemed to say. Actually, Sarah's been proving herself to be a pretty solid friend to these people, so I might temper my usual attacks on her sexually promiscuous/desperate character.

Alas, the Landon sobfest wasn't over though. He retired to the confessional where he once again poured his heart out about Becky. Blah blah blah. One question though? Why did Landon seem so effeminate? That's right. It's Philly: gayest season EVER.

Posted by at 9:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I am sure that everybody is really stoked that El Paso was chosen as a backdrop for this latest challenge. Or not. Usually, MTV springs to rent out some property in a nice resort town. El Paso has given us Elimination Hill and, um, uh, those strange pyramid/ant hills/termite nests we got at the beginning of this week's episode. It looks like Bunim/Murray knew that there might be some complaining about the arrangements, so they decided to placate everybody by using mass quantities of alcohol. This little addition has surely brought us some great moments, but the best arguments arise not from intoxication, but from the inherent human need for irrational confrontation and shameless rationalization in an attempt at self-preservation.

At the early part of the show we learned about two loves. First, it was the love that Ayanna had for Aneesa. No, not like that. Ayanna gets a little unhinged at times and her intensity in the past has put her at odds with some teammates. This year, it was nothing but love for Aneesa, so much that Ayanna said she would save her from an oncoming train. Aneesa gave some sort of half-hearted response akin to telling your dentist "Yes, I agree" after they let you know they are going to have to pull some wisdom teeth. The other love was that of this year's most interesting budding romance, the one that has us imagining the unholy alliance of Coral and Abram. This has come as a surprise for some people, considering some of Abram's comments about anything but the most lilly-white fornication during his stint on Road Rules: South Pacific. Abram is over it now, and says "the only color I ever see is beauty". I think the only color he ever sees is a set of huge tits. Whatever the motives, we early on had strong hints that of a few people who would be key players for whatever Jonny Mosely had waiting for them later in the episode.

So far we have had a strength endurance challenge, a conquer fear/counting challenge, and the ever-popular pent up sexual energy challenge. What could be better than following all of that up with a gross out/puzzle challenge? Teams of guys and girls would face off against each other eating various foul items, or mass quantities of slightly less foul items. The winning team would go on to the puzzle part of the challenge, where they would join the rest of their successful teammates in putting together a puzzle, after first rushing across a balance beam to get all of the pieces. Oh yes, I forgot the most essential part of the challenge, the team that won their eating challenge got to blow up life-sized cardboard cutouts of their opponents. Uh, yeah, that's makes a lot of sense. I wouldn't be surprised if at some point, the producers have some sort of rhythmic gymnastic battle during the season. For their trouble this time, the winners each took home a video phone, which will be great when they need to invite each other to the Saddle Ranch or their next pool party. Captains for the men were Steven, Mark, and Chris. Coral and Sophia stepped up for the ladies, and when nobody else seemed like they wanted to lead, Ayanna said she would do it. It's actually a very bold move. Considering how poorly the girls are doing, she is basically giving herself a 1 in 3 shot at being eliminated. I wonder how her teammates will reward her.

The eating contest wasn't all that bad, most of the food was cooked. And seriously, how bad can any gross out challenge be where one of the supposedly terrible foods is peanut butter? Now, they didn't get any milk to wash that peanut butter down, but there was only a couple of foods that were instant vomit-inducing, among them the ubiquitous cow brains. I still don't think they have really justified any challenge requiring a leader, but this one came the closest, as I guess there was some strategy involved with picking strong teams to eat the food. As we have come to expect by now, the women were outclassed by the guys in this challenge, but this time they managed to at least keep it close, winning two challenges on performance and one on a puking disqualification. For the guys, Abram had a puking disqualification and Theo made out with Arissa's cutout, which didn't have the least bit of staged quality to it. Really, it didn't. Most importantly for the girls, the puzzle portion of the test was still left, so the girls had a realistic shot at winning the whole thing, if only somebody could form a coherent strategy for their puzzle.

If you are wondering, there was only one member of the chosen female leaders who made it past their eating challenge. It was, of course, Ayanna, who had to be coerced into leading, but tried her best to get her team ahead. Surely her supporting cast would be ready to listen to her as they put together the puzzle, right? Well, not exactly. The puzzle wasn't super hard, and the teams were even given a key to see how to put it together. I bet the girls wish they didn't piss Sarah off about ever participating again during the Gauntlet, because they could have used her puzzle solving skills at this time. After seeing that nobody was getting anywhere trying to follow the conflicting directions of Ibis and Angela, Ayanna had enough and decided to regulate. Saying a few people should read the key and give directions to people placing the pieces on the board. Sound strategy, but unfortunately, the girls had already did a little fubar job on the puzzle, so Ayanna's pleas for sanity didn't mean any thing when it came to securing a victory because the guys won. Each videophone was worth $1100, which seems like a great haul, but when you think you could have easily bought a laptop and a video camera that would give you the same capabilities, one wonders just how much that company had to pay to get their sinking product some buzz in the market.

During the girl's deliberation, they focused their attention on their leadership, or what was missing in their leadership. Aneesa was the first to speak up and lay the blame solely on Ayanna. Many agreed that her performance as a leader was lacking, they didn't like her style, and didn't want somebody like that on the team. Among the people to chime in against Aneesa were Ibis and Angela, who will likely catch on to the irony of their votes after they are voted off in the next couple of weeks. Now, call me a dimbass, but I didn't think Ayanna was all that bad. Her style is a bit abrasive, but she was a leader by example by beating the guys during the eating challenge, and she tried to regulate when chaos started during the puzzle part of challenge by doing some delegating. They lost, so she shares the blame, but she easily had the best performance of the leaders. However, after Aneesa spoke up, everybody fell in line. Again, Angela and Ibis voting for Ayanna is cruel irony. So often the newer people are complaining about how unfair it is to have the veterans around. Well, the girls had a chance to get rid of Coral, but did not capitalize. I was surpised Coral even offered to be leader, so as much as I think that she is the epitome of a lifetime challenge member, I have to say that she has now offered to be leader twice. Still, the reasons people used for keeping her around was she pulled her weight, which was not the case this evening.

In the guys house, the discussion was basically centered around The Miz and Abram. It was quite a treat looking at Mike's expression as he talked about not wanting to go home. You see, if he goes home early, some of his friends aren't going to be back in Los Angeles for almost ten days. That's a tough pill to swallow. In the end, it was Abram that was shown the door. Although Abram was instrumental in their first week win, he committed a foul in the snake challenge, and was DQ'ed for puking most recently. Once again, the guys don't really have many interesting things to say because they are all "rational" and care about "fairness" and take little things like "performance" into consideration when they vote their members out. The new guys may have a disadvantage if the decision is close, but nobody is voting off new players that do well in favor of the veterans.

When it comes time to announce the results, Abram takes it like a champ. He says he respects everybody and hopes they do well. People were shocked to hear Abram's name, especially the women, who probably couldn't understand why their competition won't take intangibles into consideration when voting off their members. Then again, the women also have no clue as to why they lose every week, so I don't think they will catch on very soon. As you can imagine, Ayanna didn't take her rejection very well, especially the way they used Aneesa to deliver the news for her. Ayanna went down in flames, screaming at her teammates, saying she wanted to win so badly, she slept in her uniform. She even called out all of those people that sat on the side when she volunteered to be leader. For the women, this was a great example of why they voted out Aneesa. You know, you can't have people who want to win that badly, and step up when nobody else wants to lead putting a damper on the mood of the rest of the team. Wouldn't want any enthusiasm or anything rubbing off on the rest of the team.

Ayanna stormed off, but she wasn't done yet. Before she left, she left her life-size cutout (people who weren't blown up were allowed to keep theirs) on Aneesa's bed. When Aneesa found it, she was pissed and started yelling at Ayanna, who at one point sais "You trying to kick my ass, I think it's getting stronger [sticks her ass out]. Here, kick it". Nothing the guys do can even come close.

With Abram's departure, we of course had to have the resolution of Abram's and Coral's relationship. There was a lot of crying and a lot of sobbing. Abram went on about not being there to hold her hand would be missing her, being 10 feet away would be missing her. I would have believed a lot more in the spontaneity of the whole affair had it not been perfectly framed outside amid the sunset, and if they had decided to have their little intimate moment somewhere that wasn't the middle of the street. I can't comment on the intensity of their relationship, and I hope it works out for them. Nevertheless, to pretend that they are going to somehow cease to exist until Coral gets back to LA is hilarious. Abram can keep it in his pants for another week or so until Coral is shown the door, right?

Posted by at 10:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Halloween brings out all sorts of scary sights, but none as scary as Bobby Trendy wearing assless chaps. Yes, the erstwhile scene stealer from The Anna Nicole Smith Show hit the town Sunday night to celebrate with about a hundred thousand other Los Angelenos at the annual West Hollywood Carnivale. We here at TVgasm were fortunate enough to gain access to the event VIP tent where we were able to mix free booze and people watching with elitism - a fantastic combo. Lo and behold, in walked Bobby Trendy, dressed like a king (insert queen joke here) with a shiny purple costume and a billowing black cape. As I watched this flamboyant piece of reality shrapnel galavant around the party, I started to mentally piece something together. Reality star + new digital camera = TVgasm gold? (Well, it was only Bobby Trendy, so gold might be a major overstatement). Anyway, I busted out said camera while Bobby was doing some little dance move and took a quick shot. Here's the thing though. My camera has a two second delay, and in that time, some random guy swooped up Bobby, causing the cape to billow up and reveal the dreaded assless portion of the costume. We felt it only necessary to share this disturbing (and potentially not safe for work - there is buttock) image of Bobby. Click here for the uncensored version.

Some of you might say "I can't see all of his face in this picture. How do I know it's him?" Well, let me put it this way: why on earth would I ever go out of my way to orchestrate a fake Bobby Trendy photo? Just trust me. It's real. And it's awful.

Posted by at 12:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Halloween has come and gone, but our photo's will shame us forever. Thus is the case of TVgasm readers Scott R. (last name witheld, mainly because it has been forgotten) and "friend".

Scott and his "pal" put their heads together, massaged each others big muscles of the mind, until thrust forth an instant TVgasm classic costume. Though Scott was initially retentive to the concept, his friends eased his idea in slowly until (as shown in the photos) Scott really let loose & enjoyed it.

Masked as the Amazing Race Bowling Moms, one gay affair was had.

This year for halloween, I wore a George W. Bush mask. Which is proof, in terms of costumes creation, I am creatively bankrupt and need a gay friend. Scott, Ill be calling you next year to um, massage your muscle of creativity. Just please, be gentle.

If you have any creative halloween costumes, reality or otherwise... be sure to mail them in for future post madeyoulaugh@tvgasm.com

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 5:19 PM | Permalink