I (do), Robot

Well, it was bound to happen. The Les Moonves/Julie Chen union has finally morphed into holy matrimony. Yes, as Defamer first warned us last week, Chenbot and CBS president Les Moonves skipped town last week for a romantic getaway in Mexico where the couple was officially anointed Husband and Robot. Wedding guests included friends and family of both parties such as Dan Rather, Sumner Redstone, and HAL. While most said the ceremony was "lovely" and "charmingly rigid", others expressed confusion over the format. Rumor has it that Julie Chen greeted guests at the door by saying "Hello, and welcome to the Moonves/Chen wedding. Tonight we'll watch as Les, the CBS executive from New York City, and Julie, the idle chatter cyborg from Dell Laboratories, join their hands in marriage. But first, please find your seats."

Others said it was odd how during the ceremony, Julie would occasionally turn to the audience and say "The rabbi has now asked us to share our vows. Let's listen in!" One guest, who wished to remain anonymous, felt momentarily awkward when the rabbi asked Les if he wished to take Julie 'til death do they part. Apparently Julie snapped at her future husband, saying "I need an answer Les. LES. There's no more time!" When he finally said "I do," Julie allegedly refused to accept his commitment until he raised a green or a red paddle.

In the end, all was well as Julie conducted an awkward exit interview with her new husband. Later, the Chenbot got drunk off of sangria and threw up on Early Show cohort Hannah Storm, who laughed it off by saying "Don't worry. I'm immensely forgettable!"

Thanks to TVgasm reader Kristen for the heads up.

TVgasm Holiday Recess

Although everybody here in the TVgasm offices is more than willing to keep you updated on all the new television happening whenever it happens, the networks haven't been so kind to oblige us with anything new on television. Therefore, the TVgasm staff will be spending our time enjoying all of the great things the season has to offer and won't have too much to offer in terms of new articles until after the year 2005 begins. And although we won't be posting that many articles, there is always TVgasm Hotties, the Snark Generator, and the TVgasm Forums to tide you over for a while.

The entire crew of TVgasm would like to thank our readers for making it so enjoyable to share our thoughts, opinions, and snark about television with all of you. We appreciate all of your comments and feedback, and promise to be Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger for 2005.

Hungary For More

Last week, Jonathan Baker lit up the internet after he shoved his wife Victoria on national television. Websites such as this one were (and continue to be) full of angry viewers who wanted some sort of repercussion to this behavior, and we're proud to say that on last night's Amazing Race, the producers took Jonathan aside, gave him a stern talk, and then ultimately removed him from the competition. And by "stern talk" and "removed him", I mean they quietly stood in the corner and whispered "Ratings gold mine!" to each other.

Yes, Jonathan and Victoria were back for another rousing episode of The Amazing Race with nary a reprimand nor a contemplative moment from the producers. Heck, we would have settled for a public service announcement from Tina Turner. But no. There was a race to be had, not a social issue to be discussed.

Freddy and Kendra kicked off this leg of the race by sprinting to Checkpoint Charlie at the Berlin Wall. Kendra engaged in some casual whining, insisting that they return to the hotel for "research". Unfortunately for Freddy, this was not some euphemism for sex.

Victoria meanwhile popped up to reacquaint us with her patented style of punchbag love. "I don't like anyone screaming at me, but that's just Jon," she rationalized. She then added "I don't like when people slap me upside the head with a glass tumbler, but hey, that's just Jon too. And I'm powerless to leave the situation because I've been told that I am nothing without him. I just have to assume he's correct! Tee-hee!" I personally don't like douchebags, but hey, that's just Jon too.

While Victoria convinced herself that everything was her fault, the much saner duo of Gus and Hera explained their philosophy: "Rushing for rushing's sake never seems to do much," Gus said. He and Hera then proceeded to perambulate slowly across the city, pausing to window shop, paint landscapes, and occasionally nap. Eventually the two arrived at Checkpoint Charlie where Gus launched into a history of the location. "You know, during the war..." Gus started. I don't remember what else he said since I was already ASLEEP.

Meanwhile, gender bending team Rebecca and Adam bounded out of the gate, but after last week's sexually charged sausage mission, things had changed for these two. "My opinion of Adam has changed," Rebecca said. "He's just stubborn and spoiled." And GAY. Cut to Adam swishing across Germany, desperately hoping Checkpoint Charlie was a leather bar.

Teams learned that their next destination would be the Olympic Stadium in Berlin. "Triumph of the Will" reenactment anyone? Luckily that was not on the docket, but everyone goose stepped, er, ran to the stadium anyway. Hayden opted to lunge into traffic, nearly turning to roadkill in the process. Amazingly, Aaron did not let out one of his ColinLite rants by saying something like "watch where you're walking. you're so STUPID. STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!!"

Doing a less impressive job of rage control was Victoria, who felt the need to redirect Jonathan's rage onto a hapless cabbie. "It's a green light! Go!" she yelled as they sat at a, um, red light. When the driver mentioned that they were in fact not at a green light, Victoria slunk back into her seat with a defeated "Okay..." Who would have thought Victoria would be able to bend reality in order to justify her actions? Anyway, Jon and the cabbie both sucker punched Victoria and moved on.

Freddie and Kendra were first to arrive at the stadium where they signed up for some activity on a board. Surprise, surprise — Kendra whined that they should go research somewhere. What did she want to research? Stuff? Just research in general? I half expected her to boast "I have a masters in research. It's my lifeblood. Now let's pick a random page out of an encyclopedia and research!" Unfortunately for her, she turned to the page on Senegal.

Teams eventually filtered into the stadium, with each one signing in. Jon was kind enough to scrawl only "Jonathan Baker" on the board in a delightfully self-absorbed moment. Now either he had replaced Victoria with a wayward baker, or he once again had designated her as his packhorse, not even worthy of a mention on the signup board. Well, the latter was true, and while the other teams quietly made fun of them and suggested counseling, Jon and Victoria had it out again in the back of a cab. "When are you going to carry your own weight?" he asked/screamed. He then added "Remember the last leg when you carried my bag and I carried nothing? Yeah, that was great."

Anyway, all the teams eventually signed in on the wettest board ever (could they have put it under an overhang?) and the next morning were introduced to their next task: "Hot Rocket Bungee." Upon hearing the name of this Roadblock, Adam immediately asked "Oh, is that where you like bend over, put tabasco sauce in your butt and then--" at which point everyone started yelling "La la la la la." In his defense, Adam did say "What? I've never actually DONE that. I've only heard about it. And, you know, seen it in movies and magazines. And well, okay, there was this one time - or actually it was twice a week - Paul and I..." Earmuffs.

Turns out the Hot Rocket Bungee was simply a slingshot type bungee event, not anything vaguely sexual — at least not that I know of. All the girls jumped at the opportunity to do it. All the girls and Adam, that is. Rebecca wasn't about to let that happen though as she quickly pulled rank: "You're not doing this, pussy boy." She then gave Adam a wedgie and, of course, a swirly.

Researcher extraordinaire Kendra was first up. She shot through the air at such fast speeds that she seemed on the verge of yelling "SENEGAL SUCKS!!!!" in excitement. Sadly for Kendra, she forgot to research the benefits of dramamine as she soon felt dizzy and sick, or as she said it "Baby, I feel dizzy and sick. Baby." Of course we were all expecting this since this was the heavily hyped angle of all the CBS promos last week. What will happen to Kendra??

Uh, actually nothing. After a brief spell of nausea, she stood up and waltzed to the cab. Were they serious? Does brief nausea constitute a whole promo? CBS hyped it up so much, I half expected Kendra to throw up Osama Bin Laden.

Not long after Kendra's Hot Rocket Bungee attempt, Victoria soon took the reigns. Jon tried to provide some support, yelling "Victoria, you're a superhero!!!" He then added that her special power was receiving beatings. Nevertheless, she was flung into the air, and I think we could all empathize with Victoria as she probably squeaked "Freedom! Glorious freedom!" Actually, she didn't say that, but the noises she did make had me wondering if they were that different from when she and Jonathan have sex.

Picking up the rear of the bungee beauties was Lori who praised her good fortune of having not gone for a larger boob job. Could have made the bungee a bit precarious, she claimed. Yeah, I don't understand her logic either. Bolo meanwhile chatted with the crane operator, explaining to him how he's not on steroids.

Eventually, the bungee madness gave way to our favorite Amazing Race pastime: airport shenanigans. Freddy, Kendra, Hayden, and Aaron all showed up at the airport first, snagging tickets on the first flight to Budapest, the next destination. Jon and Victoria were next to arrive at the airport, but while they waited in line, sneaky Gus and Hera made a bee line to the travel agents and booked the last tickets on the flight. I think everyone enjoyed watching Jon lose the tickets from right under his nose, but even better was the way he tried to verbally harangue the airport workers. Eventually, when it became clear that he wouldn't be getting on the earliest flight, Jon tried some clunky PA on a lady at the ticket desk by saying "You made us lose the race. Thank you." Part of me really wanted the lady to hold up a picture of Hitler and say "Do you really want to mess with us?" Anyway, Jon stormed off with a look that seemed to say "I have an appointment at the airport Cinnabuns!" Supplicant Victoria followed, hauling the luggage as usual. Damn her and her inability to carry her own weight.

Once in Hungary, teams met their next obstacle: the Trabant, a small clownish car known for breaking down and attracting mockery to Hungary. I guess they're sort of like Yugos, except without all the refinery. The Trabant, however, should not be confused with the Trebek, a similar car which features useless trivia and patronizing over-pronunciation of ethnic words.

In an amazing feat of stomach sucking, Gus managed to stuff himself into the tiny car which of course led to the inevitable Chris Farley paraphrasing: "Fat guy in a little car." Luckily Gus was a former aviator (he just barely lost out to Leonardo DiCaprio for Scorcese's film) and was able to get his Trabant on the road in no time. He happily announced that the car wouldn't be speeding and so they might as well enjoy the scenery. You know after the race Gus told all his friends "Oh, and then they gave us this car that was so slow. You couldn't get above forty miles per hour on it. It was the best."

Having worse luck with the vehicle were Aaron and Hayden who chose a car with a dead battery. In a moment of frustration, Aaron punched an innocent traffic pole and spilt his hand open. I for one would like to start a letter writing campaign to CBS. Pole abuse is a sickness and must be stopped, preferably by a piano-scored public service announcement. I personally won't be satisfied until the cast of "Two and a Half Men" address this issue with suitable bowling shirt pinache.

Speaking of abuse, Jon was kind enough to shut the car trunk... on Victoria. Yes, the quintessential sign of enduring love: slamming a metal door on your wife. Once in the car, Jon crowed about his driving abilities. "I'm really good with cars. I know where the clutch it," he said. He then rattled off his other accomplishments which included finding the steering wheel, knowing how to sit in the seats, being able to see through the windows, and similarly, being able to find the correct window to look out of (he calls this the "windshield" factor).

Less sure of her abilities was Hayden who took to the backseat with a map and an attitude. "I'm retarded with directions" she warned. Uh, just look at the map and figure out the route. Oh, but I make it sound so easy. I forget that Hayden really does have a difficulty with directions. Ever since she was a little kid, she's had a chronic problem of either rolling maps into little balls and throwing them away, or simply eating them.

Back in Abusive Trabant #1, Victoria decided to try out some of her new comic material. She asked Jon to turn on the non-existent air conditioning (AC bits are always KILLER!), and when he inevitably snapped, Victoria responded with "I'm just teasing! God! Have a sense of humor!" Jon then punched Victoria in the face, adding "Where's your sense of humor now, bitch?"

For those wondering, Victoria Fuller and her ventilation comedy will be playing the Primm Casino, NV from January 17 - 21.

While Jonathan and Victoria went at it for the umpteenth time, Freddy and Kendra were first to arrive at the Detour, which was a choice between hauling a big-ass cannon or flinging watermelons with a catapault. The models opted for the brawn-centric choice while Gus and Hera, who arrived shortly after, went immediately for the watermelon. I won't even touch that one.

On the highway, Aaron and Hayden continued to have navigational issues. "Is this the exit?" Hayden asked as they glided past the proper exit. Maybe she should have asked the person who was holding the map. Oh wait. That was her. Okay, so maybe she's not so great with directions. It's not like she's on a TV show where she has to "find" places and use "maps" and employ some sort of a "directional sense."

Up at the Detour castle, the models were quick to finish their cannonball run, although not before Freddy urged Kendra to "Come on, Punky." Just when these two couldn't get any more annoying, they had to bust out the lame nicknames. We never did find out what Freddy's pet name was, but I'll just assume it was "Blandy". Nevertheless, the two received their next clue which was to head back by train to Budapest and locate the Net Klub internet cafe. We weren't sure what was in store for them there, but a preview shot showed an expectant Phil standing ominously in a webcam window. Oooh. Amazing Video Conferencing! Where could Phil be? A CBS reality host retreat? Julie Chen is SO greeting everyone at the door with dip. Probst is already on the couch, watching football, munching on Bugles.

The models may have been headed back to the big city, but some others hadn't even reached the Detour. Rebecca and Adam appeared to be at wits end trying to get their Trabant to function. Maybe Adam should have stopped changing gears without pressing the clutch. Either way, they soon found themselves on the shoulder of the highway, peddling their feminine wares for a bit of roadside assistance. Sadly for Adam, no burly trucker in need of some man loving was available, but an old guy did come over to help. "Some nice guy pulls over and does some voodoo spell on the engine," Rebecca explained as the Trabant purred back to life. Odds are that "voodoo spell" was called "releasing the emergency break". The formerly dating couple were soon back on the road though, and with Rebecca now at the wheel, Adam was reduced to making a most telling statement: "She's the king of the game." I just don't even know anymore with these two...

Lovebirds Jon and Victoria finally arrived at the Detour, and within seconds, not-carrying-her-own-weight Victoria was tugging the heavy part of the cannon up the hill. In a rare moment of defiance, she insisted that Jon be the man and take her more rigorous position, to which Jon responded that she be the woman and shut up. But even though Jon asked Victoria to be the woman, he couldn't resist being the bitch as he pestered Gus with schoolyard complaints like "You took our seats!" Gus simply replied with a dismissive wave and the succinct put down "Little bastard." Honestly, Jon should know better. You don't mess with a fat man doing manual labor. Oh, but Jon was relentless. Even after Gus bared his man tits again in a universal gesture that seemed to say "Go away. I'm not afraid to use these things," Jon still whined "That was MY flight!" I'm sorry, I forgot that every airline has two tickets reserved for Jonathan Baker on every flight. They really were his tickets. Gus should have been more thoughtful.

In the meantime though, while Jon bickered and yelled, we were able to take in yet another element of his mid-life crisis: the comb-over. We know Jon has a Ferrari (small dick, check) and a trophy pinup wife (small dick, double check) and an earring (miniscule dick bordering on fleshy thimble, check) and an undying need to boss everyone around (okay, it's a micro pee pee), but for the first time I realized why he sports that longish homeless 'do. He's got male pattern baldness. I suppose it's been there all this time, but I just noticed it this week. I'll be sure to point it out generously from here on in.

Of course, it's hard to focus on the hair when he's doing jackass things like prancing shirtless around the Detour with a tarp wrapped around his neck. Yes, that's exactly what Jon did in a display of "whimsy" and "humor." Apparently tarp comedy is the hot trend in Encino these days. In other news, Victoria has been bumped from the Primm Casino schedule to make room for Jonathan Baker and his Tarp ventriloquism act.

Elsewhere in Hungary, Kris and Jon smiled eagerly as their car broke down in the middle of the street. But not even the angry curses of local commuters could ruin these kids' spirits as they happily embraced their replacement car as if it were a Christmas present from Santa. Later, as they carried cannonballs, Kris chirped "Thank you for being so strong, baby." I'm sorry, I just got an instant cavity from their sugary sweetness. Equally peppy were Freddy and Kendra who had taken seats on the train to Budapest. Kendra had a hopeful gleam in her eyes that seemed to say "Oh, I hope we can research!"

On a later train, Jonathan cornered Gus and boasted "we are flawless runners. If we had been on your plane, we'd be in first." Shut up and put a shirt on.

Ambiguously gay duo Adam and Rebecca eventually showed up at the Detour, and without missing a beat, Adam had Rebecca bent over doggie style. "Be the Hungarian trucker. Be HIM!" he yelled. Actually, he didn't say that at all. But once again, I couldn't help wondering if their sex life sometimes sounded like this.

After a lovely commercial break, we returned to Lori and Bolo who not only got lost this episode, but suffered a vehicular meltdown. As the two waited patiently on the side of the road for their replacement car, CBS flashed a logo on screen which read "Kennedy Center Honors Next!" Well, that was an odd juxtaposition. Yes, nothing gets me more psyched for lifelong achievements in arts and humanities than watching two JV wrestlers squabble next to a clown car.

The episode eventually wound down with teams racing to the internet cafe. Even though Gus and Jon took the same train to Budapest, the ex-CIA man still made it to the Net Klub first. So much for that whole "flawless racer" thing, Jon, huh? Unsurprisingly, Jon's flaw was his unbridled rage which again cost him preciouls time. Apparently those Eastern Europeans are still sensitive to tyrannical assholes because a cabbie actually kicked Jon and Victoria out of the car after the spa owner mouthed off one too many times. Applause all around the TVgasm offices.

With only a minute left in the program and Lori and Bolo trapped in the 'burbs with a bad train schedule, it became apparent that this episode was going to have an unconventional ending. I mean, none of the teams had even checked in to the Pitstop. Heck, we didn't even know where the Pitstop was! Sure enough, the words "TO BE CONTINUED" flashed across the screen as Lori and Bolo settled in for a comfy night of sleeping on a bench. To be continued? With my heart racing and no closure, I had nothing else to do except throw a lawn chair in the nearest pool. Actually, no, I didn't do that. And wow, I just made myself sound like Mischa Barton without even realizing it. That usually means I've been watching too much TV. So I guess it's time for a break. I'll be back after New Years.

Mary Ann to the Max(im)

Homina Homina Homina.

Pretty. Pretty girl.

Me likey Mary Ann.

Maxim good.

Not Maxim, bad.

Since 1964 the world has been divided. Not by religion. Not by race. But by one simple question. Ginger or Mary Anne? Frankly, I for one don't want to live in a world where the answer to that question dares to be anything but Mary Anne.

Dawn Wells was without a doubt a sheer beauty...for my dad. But Kate Koth is not your father's Mary Ann. The Real Gilligans Island beauty, and part time dream girl, is the most recent aquisition of reality bitches in the stable of pimp Maxim.

Photos and more after the jump.

To the left, in what we will call the "before" picture we can see the reason's many a men consider themselves a Mary Ann person. She is sexy, but in that innocent kind of way. To the right, in what we will call the "after" photo, she's looking a little more Ann-Margret and a little less Mary Anne. That and she seems to be suffering the same jaundice that has plagued such starlets as Charleze Theron, Christina Aguilara and Lindsay Lohan. How did she go from 20 and supple, to 35 and an alcoholic? Fortunately, we see ass crack. Yay ass crack.



This before picture is definately a great argument that low riding jeans are not always the sexiest option. Many woman can't pull it off, and yet still try. Not unlike my dad wearing his Speedo's to the beach. But I digress. My point is, this once risque short shorts is now considered a more conservative look but in my mind, still oh so sexy. And if you have the ability to pull it off, I beg you...please do. Hell send me an email of it. madeyoulaugh@tvgasm.com But again, I digress. In the after picture Kate still has the sad Jaundice look, in my mind a MaxiMistake, but the photo is much better than the first because she is showing that million dollar smile. Oh, and more ass crack. Again, Yay ass crack.



I'm not sure when this issue will hit news stands, but I am sure when it does, I will be buying it. Until then you can view more photo's of Kate at Maxim-Online.

In the mean time, these photos will have to do, and of course the brief nipple slip which TBS forgot to blur out of last nights season finale. If the FCC fines them for it, I am glad to pitch in a few bucks towards a worthy cause. That is one episode I wont delete from my ReplayTV for a long time to come. Yay ass crack, Yay nip slip, Yay Maxim and Dasher and Dancer and Blixon. Merry Xmas to all and to all a goodnight.

Nothing Beats A Beautiful Wife...Except Jonathan

Not to be a bastard and find certain parallels between one tragedy and another, an eerie similarity came to my attention that I thought was worthy of the Gasm Pages.

After a 911 audio tape, from October 1993, was front page news for the tabloids, Nicole Brown Simpson was quoted as saying, "It's a tabloid and not a true reflection of our relationship."

After an Amazing Race video moment, from was front page news for bloggers, Victoria Fuller, on her website, was quoted as saying. "Don't worry, I am fine. It’s a TV show and not a true reflection of our relationship."

When I was in kindergarten, I was accused of cheating on a spelling test. Trust me, this is going somewhere. To this day, I remember the words. Yellow, Blue, Purple, Brown, Black and Green. The situation looked bad. We were taking the test and the words which I had studied were left out and open near my desk, so when she walked by, from her certain angle, it appeared as though I was cheating. I tried to explain it was an accident and I didn't know it was open. I tried to explain I couldn’t even see the book from where I was. I tried to explain in anyway I could with my kindergarten mentality, that it was a misunderstanding. But in the end, she called my mom and dad, and i got in trouble! I was so stubborn "I DIDN'T CHEAT!" Guess what? Despite all my sincere sounding excuses for why the circumstances weren't depicting the truth, the fact of the matter was, I totally cheated. I cheated, I got caught and I learned my lesson.

Jonathan and Victoria have been making excuses on their website since the second episode for what appears to be "abusive behavior" after the jump enjoy the week by week spin control by OJ and Nicole Br-- sorry, Jonathan and Victoria directly from their website. How long until they learn their lesson?

November 20, 2004

We want all of you to know that yes we are human and yes we fight but in the end we do love each other. The stress from the Race brought out the unknown and this is what you are seeing. We are true fans of The Amazing Race and loved every second of running it. Jonathan was colorful and crazy on the show because he could be and just wanted to have fun with the experience.
We hope you can have fun with us as we laugh at ourselves on The Amazing Race 6.

Jonathan and Victoria

December 1, 2004

If you're going to lead, lead. If you're going to follow, follow. Anything else get the @#$! out of the way. We are
playing a GAME for One Million Dollars.

December 16, 2004

London 2:20am

All of us have our faults. Unfortunately for me millions of viewers are getting to see mine each week. I do not abuse Victoria,
what you see is a heighten version of stress and obsession mix with medication for a sickness called Sarcoidosis. What was started as a Publicity Stunt turn in to an obsession to race and be first at any cost. This is a GAME and I set out to be the Villain to others not to Victoria. Victoria and I are working on our relationship to better our self and learn from our mistakes. I am taking full responsibly for my actions on screen. Please allow me to make the effort.

I am deeply saddened by the storyline that CBS went with. I am sorry for my actions, I am sorry to Victoria. Most all I am sorry to the Fans of the Amazing Race.

Jonathan

December 19, 2004

Don't worry, I am fine. Its a TV show and not a true reflection of our relationship. We both over reacted.

Victoria

My Prediction for a future post:

She fell down the stairs. - Jonathan

Yes, thats what happened, I fell down the stairs. -Victoria

Do You Believe in Chrismukkah Magic?

Among one of the many moments that defined The OC during its first season was Chrismukkah. What started out as Seth Cohen's way to happily morph two holidays that shared an equal part of his family's heritage. Who knew that that one little episode would spawn a whole revolution? Seriously, there are Chrismukkah cards that you can buy, there is a Chrismukkah soundtrack, and there is even a Chrismukkah blog. So in the grand tradition of The OC, we get to watch the what this massive amount of publicity for an OC tradition would do to the massive egos of the writing staff.

I am one of the few that didn't really care for Chrismukkah last season, even if it is the perfect holiday for the TVgasm offices. Despite that, I am really starting to get into some of the story lines, so I really looked forward to this episode. One of the things I haven't enjoyed about this season is the 1000% Seth that we have seen this year. Adam Brody is a talented actor, no doubt, and his comedic talents are one of the best parts of the show, but there is too much of a good thing, and I believe that sometimes there has been too much of a reliance of Seth Cohen schtick to get them through the episodes. We know he is quirky, slightly neurotic, etc., you don't have to spell it out for us every week.

Seth always does a good job of bringing out the best in his holiday, and the best in this case is his sweater. I am not sure what homeless guy he had to mug, or if his mom knitted it or something, but the reindeer thing he had going on at the beginning of the episode was a sight to be seen. With the weather hitting 75 and 80 degrees in LA this past week, nobody is thinking about sweaters anyway. Within the first five minutes, Seth has already mentioned cultural zeitgeist and Death Cab, so I am really fearing for my life. To top it off, the writers surprised everybody with a new Chrismukkah phrase. For those not in the spirit of Chrismukkah, you can now simply say Oi Humbug! The OC writers have really become Santa Putzes.

Besides taking care of a lot of the preparation, Seth wants to include as many people in his celebration as possible. Although at first he was sort of hesitant about inviting his new "girlfriend", Ryan decided to invite Lindsay anyway. It turns out that Lindsay wasn't that much of a fan of the holidays, since as a little girl she had always just wanted her dad to show up. As she said, some kids stop believing in Santa, she stopped believing in her dad. I don't want to complain too much about this exchange, but come on! We know it is going to devolve into a big campy mess at the end, why try and pretend you are on the Hallmark Channel?

So, Lindsay decides to come to Chrismukkah. I wonder what Marrissa and Summer will be doing? As it turns out, Zach has conveniently left early for his winter break, and Marissa is scheduled to spend the day with her dad, meaning both have pretty open plans. Conveniently, Seth straddles on up to them at the coffee stand just as they are shaking down what is to go on that evening. I should take this time to mention that Marrissa is looking positively normal this week, but the bad wardrobe designer is still on the set, and decided that she would dress up Rachel Bilson in the laughably hideous duds this time around. Summer is wearing some sort of sweater that it was attacked by moths, or a pair of scissors or something. Yes, it is fun to bash Mischa for the outfits the wardrobe have given her, but in the interest of fairness, I should mention that Rachel hasn't been looking all that glam either. While the OC writers are making the trends, I don't think Summer and Marissa are quite at the point where they will be adjusting the course of fashion a la Sex and the City. But here's hoping they do, if for nothing else than to get that ridiculously huge billboard of Sarah Jessica Parker forever removed from Sunset. It really ruins my mood as I travel towards Sunset Plaza. Seth invites them both to Chrismukkah, and the both agree because, well, it would really have made the story much less intriguing if they weren't there to see everything that went on.

While the kids are worrying about the ghost of Chrismukkah present, the ghosts of adultery past and present stop to pay a visit among the adults. It was a slight surprise when we found out that Lindsay was in fact Caleb Nichol's estranged daughter, and this revelation added another layer onto the already complicated Cohen-Nichol familty. He had hid his indiscretion to protect his family, but somehow it all started crumbling before his eyes. With Caleb worried about all of the things he is worried about, he hasn't had enough time with his wife. I am sure the Viagra or Cialis or whatever was enough to get them through "the not so" hard times, nothing prepared Julie to be neglected for lack of self-interest. So, just like the last time she needed a scratch itch, she sought out an available man. After Luke, she probably wasn't going to go back to an old high school romance, but that didn't mean she couldn't back to her old husband, so Jimmy has been shaking the spot several times a week now. I thought she would have at least given the water pik a few more chances to do its thing.

With all of their invites solid, Seth is beginning to gain faith once more in his holiday. And with that success came pressure. What if the government forced him to come up with more mash up holidays like Eastover? It is just too much for one person to handle. Luckily, his dad dumps a big bucket of cold water onto their happiness when he tells Ryan that Lindsay shouldn't come. Don't be such a prick Sandy, it's not like Lindsay has anything to do with the Caleb Nichol paternity case. Oh wait, she does? Damn, I just new that his would turn out the way it was supposed to.

Looking to avoid a complete disaster Ryan decides he is going to disinvite Lindsay, but only if Seth will disinvite Summer to make the disinvites equal. It's actually a good idea, because it will make everything go much more smoothly, they wouldn't want everything to blow up in their faces, would they? This being The OC, Ryan and Seth are not very effective in their quest to get rid of their girls. Ryan thinks it's going to be easy, because Lindsay never really liked the holidays, but the power of Chrismukkah got to her, and she even created a new tradition - the yarmulke claus. It's like your basic red santa hat, but instead it is in the shape of a yarmulke. Seeing as to how she seemed to be enjoying the article, Ryan didn't have the heart to tell herl. Likewise with Summer, Seth got all sidetracked into going Christmas tree shopping (why summer decided on somebody with little tree experience is beyond me.). He was also unable to tell Summer about the supposedly revived plans And if you were wondering, no, Rachel Bilson didn't look any hotter than she did in the opening scenes. Why they chose outfits that do the least with her slammin body, well, I have no clue. But it's dumb. Almost as dumb as the cat meow rendition of the Carol of the Bells we had to sit through that part of the show. What's next? An armpit fart cover of O Holy Night?

Chrismukkah comes, and so with it come Julie and Caleb, who have no idea Lindsay is there. Still, there is some possibility of getting through the evening without too much of a problem, but that is blown when Renée comes into the house and decides she has to come clean Quick! Well, it wasn't her entire idea actually, Sandy had another meeting with her and said the DA might press charges on her as well as Caleb since she was the one supposedly being bribed all of these years. Time for Kirsten to get a glass of wine, this is going to be one awkward reunion.

So, it wasn't a surprise when, after Renée and Kirsten walked into the kitchen, Caleb and Sandy were sure to follow, then our group of teenagers, and then Julie and Jimmy (fresh and post-coital from a little bathroom nookie while people weren't watching). Now on the spot, Caleb lets the secret out, and promptly gets a slap from Kirsten, a slap from Julie, and a very embarassed Lindsay running out of the house crying. All in all, I think the outcome could have been worse, and I was still wondering about the indignation on Julie's face when she heard about Caleb's affair so many years ago, especially when she is having her own affair as she lectured her husband about his infidelities.

Couldn't we all see this coming last year? The Nichol family tree is really a mess. There was a weird realignment when Julie married in, and Lindsay's presence really doesn't help that little problem. Caleb has a daughter, Kirsten and Haley have a new sister, Sandy has a new sister in-law, Seth has a new aunt, Marrissa has a new step-sister, and Julie has a new step-daughter. Now, if Julie remarries Jimmy, does that make Jimmy Kirsten's step-dad? About the only thing left is to make Jimmy Cooper Ryan's dad. That would mean that Ryan was Kirsten's step-sister, and he would be dating another step-sister, Lindsay, but they are just related by marriage, so it will be OK. You heard it here first.

The aftermath of this whole revelation was a sight to see. What is it about Caleb Nichol and his timing? His wife and daughter(s) need some space, so you think he would just hit a motel somewhere, let people have a few days to digest the new information and deal with it from there. No, he follows Kirsten up to her bedroom and tries to apologize for cheating on her mother so many years ago, and then keeping it a secret. She does the smart thing and throws a vase at him and locks herself in her closet so she can cry it off. Actually, she might have been able to do a little better. If she had hit him with the vase and taken a bottle of wine with her into the closet, now that would have been spectacular.

Ryan's concern is for Lindsay. It's hard enough starting a new school, but then to find out that your father never saw you not because he cared for you, but you were really just a mistake and he was trying to save himself the embarrassment. When he reaches her house, Lindsay comes to the door and proceeds to tell him how she never wants to see him again because his family is so messed up. I was waiting for him to come out and say in his defense "I'm adopted, so you can still have sex with me and not worry that I will turn into you uncle, or brother, or something." Alas, no, Ryan gets the cold shoulder.

Having no luck coaxing Kirsten out of her bedroom, Caleb tries to find his current wife. After all, he didn't cheat on her, she has to have some sort of compassion for him, right? Well, no. Julie is surely going to use this whole episode to file for divorce and take a chunk of the Nichol fortune, but I am sure there was a big prenup, so not to worry, right? When Caleb finally finds Julie, who has been hiding out in Marrissa's room, she gives him the cold shoulder. After getting all of that off of his chest, his stress level was low enough that he was probably ready to resume his normal schedule of banging his trophy wife. But after remembering how good it was to have sex with somebody within twenty year of her own age, Julie is not about to just lay there while Caleb goes for his 15 minutes of nightly fun. She wants Jimmy, so she heads back to his boat for a little bit of solace, and some doggy style.

Summer, Seth, Ryan, and Marrissa are left to debate the fate of this year's Chrismukkah, Seth is completely dejected, but for some reason, Summer has become the champion of the holiday. It's supposed to bring people together, not pull them apart. It's time for a Chrismukkah miracle! Why do I always run out of percoset right before the most difficult time of the week? Summer has a plan to save Chrismukkah, but she just needs a little help. She and Marrissa head over to Jimmy's boat in search of an extension cord and a generator, because you need those things for a boat. Hmm, I wonder what they are going to do? I do now that they were so into their Chrismukkah plans, they ignored the obvious moaning that was coming from below decks. See, Julie and Jimmy were working on their second or third or fourth Chrismukkah miracle of the day.

Ryan's part of this whole gambit is to try and coax Kirsten out of the closet. I would have opened a bottle of champagne outside her door, and then when Kirsten smelled it, she would open the door, and Ryan and Sandy could hold her down before she was able to lock herself back in. Ryan decided instead to appeal to the side of her that realizes that Lindsay had nothing to do with this, and isn't it time to show her that she is part of a family that welcomes new members? Awww, how touching. Just last year, they were trying to teach Ryan how they loved their family, but now it is Ryan who teaches them a lesson in love. If only Karen Carpenter were still alive, she and Richard would have loved writing songs for Chrismukkah. John Denver would have loved to have done a Muppets Chrismukkah album as well. Only the good die young, it seems.

After getting Kirsten out of self-pity mode, it was up to Seth to, uhh, talk to Lindsay? So he moseys on over to her house, oh wait, she isn't at her house, she finds her on the beach hanging by the sand dunes. I wonder if she and Marrissa ever crossed paths during the beach pouting walk of shame as she went to her dune, and Marrissa went to her lifeguard tower. Anyway, Seth tells her that it isn't all that bad being a Cohen, and tells her about all of the things that are part of being a Cohen like telling jokes at inappropriate times. It was kind of a lame speech, but it worked, or at least it will work until Lindsay finds out that she is not a Cohen. She's not Sandy's kid. The Nichol family has a lot more issues than the Cohen's, and that is what Lindsay has to deal with from now on. She could marry a Cohen, but that is now out of the question since she is related to them. She will just have to live with having a stocking on the Cohen fireplace, even though the stocking saud "Laura" and not "Lindsay". I guess you can't be picky when you have so little time to prepare the Chrismukkah miracle.

Seth and his new aunt go back to her house where the find...oh my God! It was decorated by everybody with lights, and a tree and everything! Look, there is her new sister, Kirsten, and she is only four drinks into the night! It's wonderful! If I use enough exclamation points in this sentence, maybe I'll actually convince myself that it was some a special moment!!!

Excuse me, but is this the reason why the girls had to have a generator? To light some Christmas lights? I know that Renee and Lindsay aren't well off, but I am sure they could have come up with the extra money to run the lights. And you can't argue that they did it to preserve the surprise, because Renee would have eventually noticed that her front yard all of a sudden became the tackiest one on the block. The writers had that stupid scene on the boat just so the girls could almost catch Jimmy and Julie having sex? And since they realized that this Chrismukkah thing had to be a surprise, being in front of Lindsay's house, they simply came up with this thing that she loves to be alone at the beach? Why wasn't she at the beach when Ryan came over? Sorry to be a Scrooge or the Grinch or whatever, but I just ain't buying it. Having holiday cheer doesn't mean I have to buy into dumb story lines the writers created to make their show seem like it makes sense.

OK, I think I have calmed down now. Lindsay and her mom are now a part of the extended Cohen family tree and everybody is happy with their egg nog, and probably haven't noticed all of the extra rum Marrissa certainly put into everybody's cup. For me, it was another lack luster episode, but at least the story lines that come out of it are intriguing. With no Oliver on the horizon, it will be interesting to see how things play out when the show returns next year.

"Hey!" Count: Episode - 22, Season Total - 58

The Neverending Story

Memo to NBC: Never ever EVER do that again.

After weeks and weeks of entertaining, campy, and often exciting episodes of The Apprentice, NBC did what it does best: killed it. Yes, the network supersized, inflated, bloated, expanded, and stretched out what should have been a tight, intense finale into a hollow, boring three hour marathon full of such stall-worthy moments as a musical interlude from The O.J.'s and a cameo appearance by Sugar Ray Leonard to tout his DOA reality offering, "The Contender". It was a less than thrilling attempt by Jeff Zucker & Co. to fill out the Must Not See TV slate currently occupied by laugh-free sitcoms Joey and Will & Grace, and to that end, I suppose this puffed up version of The Apprentice did offer more entertainment than those sitcoms. But still, I feel like I've emerged about five years older, and I'm not sure, but I think I have a lovely collection of bed sores to boot.

Anyway, let's rev up the time machine and head back a few presidential elections ago to when this finale started off. (For those of you unfamiliar with sarcasm, fear not. You did not in fact miss any elections.)

Our trip back in time started off with, well, a trip back in time. As is the case with most reality finales, we endured through a delightful "Here's what you missed while you were watching CSI, jackasses" montage of the season. I alternately zoned out and reminisced during this time, but at about the ten minute mark, I was ready to stuff a sock into Trump's mouth and shout "Stop yelling at me! I'm sensitive!" When the montage was over, we returned to last week's cliffhanger which featured Jenn dealing with Chris Webber (yes, the guy who was super popular... kind of... nine years ago) who had bailed last minute on her event. There really wasn't much that Jenn could do beyond informing his assistant that he had bailed and he would have to live with that on his conscience... forever! Cut to sixty years from now and Chris Webber on his deathbed. His family circles around him, asks him if he has anything left he wants to say: "Yes. I bailed on Jenn from The Apprentice 2. It's weighed on my conscience ever since then. Please, don't let me go to hell!" Sadly, he winds up in hell. Sorry, Jenn's a pretty powerful woman.

Over on Kelly's team, his bumbling employees John and Raj grappled with the complex task of gift bag assembly. Raj in particular didn't seem to understand how it worked. It's a difficult task, I must admit. I mean, not only do you have to put items in a bag, but you got to make sure that, uh, you don't turn the bag upside down and spill everything out? Okay, Raj is an idiot. Kelly kept a watchful eye on Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum and they stuffed the bags, and I'm surprised he didn't add: "Why don't we put little spreadsheets in the bags. Everyone loves those!" Kelly then stroked his Microsoft Excel CD and whispered "Nothing comes between us. Nothing."

Unfortunately, with ADD descending upon John and Raj, they were left with nothing to do except bust out a bottle of wine and drink the night away. This led to a goofy cardboard molestation where it appeared that the two guys were showering themselves with the remnants of an unlucky gift bag. As the two giggled, I couldn't help wondering if maybe there had been a little doobie action on the polo fields. You know Carolyn was all over that.

Speaking of Carolyn, the poor lady was stuck out in the rain. When interviewing her about Kelly's performance, the producers placed her in the middle of a downpour with nothing but a cheap umbrella to keep her golden coif fluffy and dry. Were there no dry areas? Was the Greenwich Country Club afraid an overhang might attract Jews and Blacks?

Meanwhile, desktop publishing reared its ugly head as the Achilles heal for both Jenn and Kelly. Instead of spending valuable time strategizing for the next morning or getting some much needed sleep, Jenn was up to the wee hours printing out signs and what I can only imagine were hate letters to Chris Webber (Sample letter: "Dear Chris, I hate you. I carry a knife in my blonde helmet. I intend to use it on you if we ever meet. I will never forget. Never."). Kelly and Elizabeth meanwhile spent a good portion of the night searching for a Kinkos in Connecticut. What started out as a simple task became incredibly more taxing as the two instantly became stuck in a never ending construction cone loop. At least that's how it looked since every time Kelly expressed anxiety, we cut to the same footage of the van driving by the cones (apparently not all loop dwellers were as lucky as Kelly. One poor sap wound up crashed on the side of the road. Carolyn SO wouldn't approve). Elizabeth was of no use to Kelly during this experience as she merely sat in the back seat and seemed absorbed in the powers of her laptop. I sort of feared a Poltergeist moment, but if some ghost popped out of the computer screen, I'm sure Kelly would have just delegated it to making gift bags. Worst haunting EVER.

While the Fellowship of the Kinkos trekked into White Plains, John and Raj struggled with the always challenging task of sign moving. The two had some billboard-sized Genworth presentation that they managed to destroy as they hauled it across the polo field. When it became apparent that this endeavor had become a huge failure, the two resigned to discuss the various critters of the night, ultimately playing a semi "Name that tune" for geese and frogs. How Trump could fire these guys is beyond me.

The next morning, Jenn's team was ready to attack their mission. Pamela sent shudders across the nation as she debuted her midriff-baring "I'm NBA friendly" outfit. Meanwhile, the lovely ladies of Genworth returned to scowl and exude crabbiness. After careful inspection of their faces, I couldn't help wondering if maybe these women were actually trannies from Santa Monica Boulevard. Either way, they sure made Pamela's jowls look sexy.

Over in Greenwich, Kelly's team was having some internal chaos. Apparently when John and Raj had broken the Genworth sign, they had just left it on the polo field in some misconceived hope that it would simply dissolve into the Earth. When Elizabeth ordered them to pick it up, the two guys hopped on a John Deer cart and zipped off to the clubhouse. Well, Elizabeth wouldn't stand for that. She and her cameraman buddy hopped into their own John Deer cart (memo to Raj - slash her tires next time) and chased the guys down. Ultimately, she cornered them and announced that she was going to be a dictator. This led to a general bickerfest, but luckily Kelly was there to handle the situation. "The only problem are the feelings," he told the group, then adding "By the way, I still love you guys so much. Group hug? Let's go have some cheesecake and talk about Blanche and Rose."

Okay, that last part didn't happen, but Kelly did ask if everyone could all be nicer. Yes Dad. Everyone apologized to each other, with Elizabeth stating "I'm sorry if I came in here today acting like a dictator." That's okay. We know you didn't mean to, even though you did say "I'm going to be a dictator." Apparently she meant dictator like Mussolini, not Hitler. You know, all tough and angry, but basically ineffective and less memorable (and without the sweet mustache).

Back in Jenville, XBox had shown up to provide a video game lounge for the NBA players. This was all fun and great until the power shut off right when Los Angeles Clipper Corey Maggette was in the middle of Halo. The Microsoft guy was understandably peeved, but I think that was because with each passing minute the NBA players went without video games, the greater the chance they'd realize they were hanging out with a dorky Microsoft guy. And I think we can all agree: dorky Microsoft guys really suck. Luckily the power returned — thanks to a happy facilities woman who I'll just call Doris — and Corey was able to get back to his game, as evidenced by about twenty shots of him playing on the couch.

Meanwhile, Kelly had a few fires to put out as well. Actually, it wasn't so much fires as it was spray paint. Apparently the Wisk logos on the grass were unacceptable to the Polo fields manager Chris - aka the darling of the Upper East Side. Paint on the field can make the horses nervous, and by horses, I mean stodgy WASPs, but luckily for Kelly, Wisk was fairly lowkey about the situation and told him to just slap the logos in the next best place. This led to an intense logo quest as Kelly scoured the area for the perfect Wisk location. Ultimately, Kelly bumped into a field painter who helped him move the logos to a better place. Was it me or did the painter have an uncanny resemblance to David Duchovny? Times must be really tough now that the X-Files are over.

Suddenly the soundtrack changed to an up-tempo and jazzy (READ: urban) selection of public domain music as we gazed upon the odd sight of George Ross meandering around a basketball event. I would have enjoyed watching George figure out what was going on around him ("So the ball goes IN the net?"), but NBA commissioner David Stern arrived and jovially agreed to take over Chris Webber's emceeing duties. I'm sure he'd be just as good. You know, older Jewish guy instead of a young black basketball star. If I closed my eyes, I'd have had a hard time figuring out who's who.

After what seemed like an eternity, Trump finally arrived at the basketball game in his usual quiet way. And by "quiet" I mean descending upon the park in a helicopter and then riding a Gem car (aka The Trumpmobile) to the event with a gaggle of children chasing after him. Honestly, this was one of the most hilariously self-indulgent images I have ever seen of Trump. All it needed was an announcer to austerely say "Donald Trump: Beloved by children across the globe. His touch brings them joy and good health. His smile brings them fertility." Surprisingly enough, Trump didn't pick up his cell phone and tell Rhona to cancel all his appointments for the day. I mean, pack of ravenous children or not, he's GOT to fake cancel his fake meetings. That's like a tradition.

Anyway, Trump finally arrived and eventually met up with Jenn. Then suddenly there was a little noise which sounded vaguely like "Hello Mr. Trump." After careful inspection, we discovered that it was Stacy R. who stood almost as tall as three cases of soda. Adding great contrast to this was former basketball star Bob Lanier, who the cameraman couldn't even fit into the same frame as Stacy. Gotta love really short and really tall people. Oh, and by the way, Stacy was NOT in the hoard of children racing along the Trumpmobile. Nevertheless, as Trump surveyed the court and the players around him, he joked "I used to think I was tall!" Pause... two... three... four... now laugh sycophants, laugh! Unfortunately, Trump appears unequipped to pick up the comedy baton that Rodney Dangerfield left behind.

Eventually the event got underway. An announcer introduced the various NBA players, and after about three or four, we cut to Pamela stepping onto the court. Whoa, was she going to play? I mean, I know she's tall, but that's crazy! Actually, she was just on court to hand over a microphone to David Stern. That wasn't nearly as exciting. Nevertheless, the event seemed to be going well. While Trump watched the basketball, Jenn attended to several different tasks behind the scenes. Several times she told Pamela to alert Trump about a VIP reception, something Pamela was more than happy to do. Or actually not do. Before we knew it, Trump zipped out of the event (although not before a few more high fives and silly gestures by the chopper) and flew off to Greenwich. Um, Pamela, I think the point was to tell him about the reception in person, not by telekinesis.

Meanwhile, over at the WASPy event, Kelly was dilly-dallying, much to Carolyn's chagrin. "I'd say you should run," she said, referring to his need to greet guests. Kelly nodded and then returned to his laptop to fiddle with this spreadsheet once again. Can't... leave... spreadsheet. "Don't listen to the mean lady. You know it's just me and you," Kelly said to his spreadsheet. "I love you too, spreadsheet. No, I already told you. You don't look fat. You're beautiful."

Unfortunately, Kelly's dedication to The Donald's seating arrangements wasn't as thorough as his devotion to his laptop. Trump and Carolyn were presented with three nasty chairs which were broken, dirty, and — send the kids out of the room for this one — not lined up correctly. Kelly tried to smooth things over by offering them complimentary spreadsheets (okay okay, he gave them clean chairs, not spreadsheets), but the damage had been done.

Chair mishaps be damned, Kelly's event went off without a hitch. I personally was expecting a Trump/Milania reenactment of the famous Pretty Woman scene at the polo match, but alas, Trump did not indiscreetly admit that his fiancé might be a prostitute. Eventually, Donald departed on his helicopter, and we all breathed a sigh of relief knowing that the event was over. Oh shit, no, it wasn't. Tony Bennett still had to sing, and even worse, our favorite Upper East Side college dropout had some bad news to deliver: Chris Webber had trashed the party tent! No, that wasn't it. Instead Chris Brandt informed Kelly that the clubhouse and bathroom were a mess, and Tony Bennett had to change there. "I don't have the staff to clean a bathroom," he said. "I'm from the Upper East Side, man! We don't do things like 'clean up after ourselves.'" With a janitorial controversy brewing, the team got to work scrubbing and cleaning and unclogging.

Tony Bennett eventually arrived with only a shade less bombast than Trump. Raj was quick to shake his hand, and I honestly wish he had said "Just so you know, I just stuck my hand down a shit-clogged toilet. So you might want to wash up after this." Anyway, easy going Tony Bennett was fine with the accommodations and before long he was up on stage, crooning to all the blue bloods. One old lady was about a shimmy away from throwing her bra on stage as she happily waved her arms back and forth, but aside from her, the audience simply soaked in the evening and quietly wondered who had the best wide brimmed hat.

The Wasps come marching one by one, hoorah hoorah...

Around this time we had a TVgasm break where the assembled viewers questioned who had the more difficult task. The unanimous decision was Jenn because she not only had more prima donnas to deal with, but also more corporate sponsors (NBA, XBOX) as well. Luckily, the lack of Jessica Simpsons leveled the playing ground to some degree this year.

Upon return from the commercial break, Kelly babbled a little about Rudyard Kipling (reality TV is no place to be quoting poetry, Kelly) and then Jenn assessed why Kelly was unfit for the job. Yawn. Suddenly it was boardroom time (finally) and as the overbearing music informed us, this was going to be a big one. Somewhere Mark Burnett was thinking "More timpani. We need more TIMPANI!!!"

Kelly and Jenn descended to the boardroom lobby where wallflower extraordinaire Robin greeted the finalists. What's the deal Robin? It's possibly your last time on camera for the season and you couldn't dress up? How are you ever going to make an impression?? Well, I'll tell you who did make an impression: Stacy R., who opted for a sunglass-inducing hot pink suit for her return to the board room. Before Jenn or Kelly could face the boardroom, Trump grilled their co-workers on the last challenge to see who was the better leader. Stacy took a very supportive stance for Jenn, although her fidgeting in her chair made me wonder if she was going to say "Excuse me one moment while I adjust my booster seat." Eventually, Stacy laid down the law as she said "Jenn's your man." I would have liked some follow through on that statement. You know, like "Jenn's your man, because Kelly's her bitch." I think that would have gone over well.

Ultimately, the six employees were loyal to their leaders, even despite personal differences (Raj admitted that he didn't even like Kelly). Trump thanked everyone by saying how wonderful they were and how special and talented a group of people they were. Then everyone shuffled out as Carolyn gave a look that seemed to say "Wow, they really suck."

After a brief cameo from the ubiquitous Trump Bobblehead, Jenn and Kelly entered the boardroom. Trump expressed his dissatisfaction with Jenn over the fact that she did not say goodbye to him. "I stood there like an idiot," he said, regarding his walk to his helicopter. Well, at least he had his children. His beautiful, lovely children that for only five cents a day, you can feed for a month. Just call Sally Struthers. I mean, don't call her about the kids. Call her because she's probably very lonely these days.

George then detailed some of the feedback he received from Genworth and how the company felt ignored by Jenn. Instead of calmly explaining why their feelings were unjustified, Jenn attacked George, and like a cat stuck in the corner, he sprung to life with a mighty hiss - or in this case, a general smackdown of Jenn. As for Kelly, Carolyn suggested that he had very little control over his team, noting that he never really said anything like "Thanks for being with me." I don't know, but I thought that was all assumed when Kelly said "Love you guys!" last episode. I mean, he professed his love! To two men too! That's pretty intense for a military guy.

The two candidates sparred for a bit with Jenn being abrasive and Kelly sweating (not Kevin sweating, but sweating nonetheless). Eventually, Trump wrapped things up by mentioning "Over a million people applied for this." Yes yes yes. We know. You've only mentioned it like ten times already. Anyway, we cut to commercial, and when we returned, we were clearly live. The lighting was different, Trump looked slightly thinner, and the boardroom now echoed. Oh Mark Burnett! Trying to pull a fast one on us! We've seen too many tricky Survivors to fall for that though! But wait. It's only been 90 minutes and we still have 90 minutes to go. How can they make this final boardroom stretch another half an hour?

I should have never asked. As the fourth wall on the boardroom zipped off into the air revealing a well-dressed audience in Lincoln Center's Alice Tully hall, we knew that something very bad was afoot. Yes, the most sacred of reality ground - the boardoom - was disrupted so that Donald Trump could have some help making his decision by way of an Oprah-style audience discussion forum. The Donald admitted that he really had not made up his mind and so he was going to have Regis Philbin head into the audience and get the opinions of a few people. Oh god. Please. What dark road are you leading us down, Mark Burnett? Well, plucky Regis Philbin emerged for this "unplanned" segment and grabbed a wireless microphone that just happened to be readily available. In the audience he interviewed many people such as Bill Rancic, Troy McLain, Amy Henry (whose cuffs looked like they had been caught in a shredder) and a few other people of varying importance. Yes, this completely spontaneous moment lasted for about ten minutes, and amazingly enough, everyone seemed to have a speech prepared. Why, a wide shot revealed teleprompters which I suppose just happened to be scrolling random dialogue that coincidentally enough were the same words coming out of the speakers' mouths! Alas, not everyone was reading the teleprompters though. Trump's poor COO, Matthew Calamari, had a head on collision with live television as he stammered: "wow... uh... I like Kelly because... because... because... wow." The entire time I kept thinking "This is getting awkward. This is getting really awkward. Wait, it's funny. No, it's awkward. Ah ha. It's funny awkward!"

Click on Matthew Calamari to play (Quicktime required)
Note the Barney Gumble voice

Nevertheless, nearly everyone who testified endorsed Kelly. I personally thought Trump would ask only two or three opinions, but the segment went on and on and on and on. I thought Wolf Blitzer would show up with a map and start filling in the Kelly states and the Jenn states. Honestly, this entire segment was worthless. Not only did it kill the momentum of the show and not only was it painfully obvious filler material, but it also cheapened the entire boardroom experience, if that makes any sense. This was supposed to be Donald's decision, not the people's. Making matters worse was that nearly everyone was pro-Kelly, so basically an hour and a half of careful editing to make the two seem neck and neck went out the window. Awful. Just awful.

Well, after Regis finished schmoozing in the audience, we knew it would be time for Jenn and Kelly to have their final boardroom moment. Oh, but no. Instead, we cut to a live feed of some hyper Kelly fans in San Diego and then some Jenn fans in New York. For the record, the New Yorkers were much more lively, but that might have been because of a hefty black woman who was jumping up and down as if Usher had just walked in the room.

So were we at the final boardroom yet??? No. Trump brought out all the former contestants and then asked THEM who he should hire. Sure, let's just stall some more. It's not like none of us have anything else to do tonight. Apparently the contestants weren't supposed to emerge until after the winner was chosen, which meant that they were onstage about twenty five minutes earlier than expected. That would explain why Sandy didn't have time to change out of her matador costume. Apparently she has a side job bullfighting for leisure. Maria, meanwhile, looked about ready to head to the Oscars. Trump never asked her any questions sadly, but I'm sure if he had, she would have said "Please, call me Juliette Binoche."

The Academy Award for Best Actress goes to...

Maria Boren!

Eventually we cut back to Regis sitting on a stool next to Trump's boardroom table. Did they not have an extra chair? Why must Regis always be relegated to his stupid stool? Dammit. All this stalling really made me bitter. Anyway, after some grandiose intros that seemed to say "Let's get ready to ruuuuuuuuuuuuumbllllllle!!!!", Jenn and Kelly finally emerged and took their seats. To Jenn's credit, she wasn't in tears after nearly everyone had sung Kelly's praises. It was so obvious that she'd be fired there was hardly even any point in watching anymore. Or was there?

Cool as a cucumber, Jenn launched into a defense that was so well stated, so well executed, and so well reasoned that she seemed like she might just be back in the running. Granted, her list of accomplishments grew a bit weary, especially when she included her tenure as president of her sorority. Trump stopped her there, which was good because she was about to detail her administrative duties as head of the French club in high school. Kelly meanwhile stuttered and rambled through his answers. Whoa, was he going to lose this thing? What's going on here? Even Trump admitted that he was losing ground fast. Ultimately though, Trump had to make a decision. He praised both candidates, but also expressed some reservations. Eventually, he hired... Kwame! No, actually, he stared down Jenn and said "Jenn: you're.... ..... ..... ..... (bathroom break for me) .... .... ..... (watched The OC) ... ... ... .... fired!"

Aw. It was obvious that Kelly was the more qualified candidate, but after the Jenn thrashing, I kind of wanted her to win. Anyway, after all this stalling, I was happy to see that we could finally get on with the reunion show. Oh, but wait. First we had to watch The O.J.'s sing "For the Love of Money." Good God. Why are they stalling again? There's nothing to stall for! Besides, they've been singing that song for about thirty minutes straight now! If there were ever a reason to get a Tivo, this was it. Cue the fast forwarding. Just about the only person who actually cared for this was Omarosa, who gave the band a standing ovation. Then a piece of plaster dropped on her and she fell unconscious.

You're in the big leagues now Kelly. Well, not your chair...

Okay, now the reunion. Oh wait, another bloated filler piece. Kelly was given the opportunity to either oversee a project in Las Vegas, or he could work in New York City on the gargantuan Trump Place housing development. Just when we thought NBC couldn't pad this any more, we cut to commercial. Oy. We then returned to the thrilled, just thrilled, smile of Jill Henessy, star of the NBC dramatic triumph, "Crossing Jordan." Wow, filler material AND cross-promotion. Anyway, Kelly announced that he wanted to take the New York City job so that he could work side by side with Trump, adding "I love you."

With this miserable segment in the can, we were finally ready to jump into the reunion... with only a half an hour left! So if the reunion were to be only a half an hour anyway, why not cut this bad boy down to two hours instead of three? Never mind, I'm just getting testy. Anyway, the reunion wound up being mostly a big ole loveletter from Trump to his former lackeys. He asked Stacie J. to explain the 8 Ball controversy, but then cut her off to say that she was astounding, just astounding. Trump then asked Jen C. about her infamous comments. "What can I say?" she responded. "I'm a huge huge idiot." Actually, she just gave a generic apology, causing Trump to go all Rosie O'Donnellish and praise her to wit's end. Hey, why don't they all just hold hands in a circle and sing "Can You Feel The Love Tonight"?

Not everything was lovely though. Trump at one point ambiguously told Jennifer that she had done a wonderful job. Which Jennifer? I don't know. But Jenn M. was more than happy to say thanks, even though Jen C. felt it was directed towards her. Yeah, this reunion sucked.

And just when things couldn't get any worse, Regis directed our attention away from the contestants and towards Sugar Ray Leonard who just happened to be in the audience, ready to promote his new Mark Burnett show, "The Contender." Are you kidding me? We're not talking to Maria because of THIS? Anyway, there were a few noteable moments such as when Robin tried to explain her coffee date with Raj, but she was unfortunately cut off before she could say anything more insightful than "The thing about Raj..." There was one thing that was particularly amusing to me. The producers put together a little montage of scenes where contestants used sex to sell. The first segment featured John serving some gay guys at a restaurant, a vignette the producers so delicately labeled "Gays in a Restaurant." Granted, there's really no other way to say it, but the phrasing made it sound like it was a landmark event. Oooh! Gay people are in the restaurant! And they're ordering! Someone call National Geographic!

Anyway, the show ended with Trump admiring Kevin's body (don't ask) and a preview of the next season, which will have teams divided into street smarts vs. book smarts. The trailer showed a slow-motion cobra chop, which I thought was a bit odd and stagey, but we can only hope that finale won't be as long and tedious as this one was. Mark Burnett: you know better than this. Don't let NBC kill your jewel.

In Y'all Tall Bitches' Face

I have to admit, I had to get convinced that America's Next Top Model was going to be enjoyable television. Although nobody needs to give me an excuse to see a whole lotta Tyra Banks, I kind of brushed aside the show. I sat through a couple of scenes and realized I could do a lot worse than watching a lot of hot women do their thing. We started with fourteen then eliminated our way down to three just ladies left in the final episode. Amanda has gorgeous eyes, which are ironically failing her, and a great camera presence, but doesn't necessarily wow you in person. Eva is the girl with the attitude, a little short, a whole lot of spunk, but sometimes "doesn't deliver the big performance". Yaya is the afro-centric Ivy Leaguer, and perhaps best looking of the final three, but often makes us want to slap some humility upside her head. My only complaint is that we only had sixty minutes worth of finale to crown this year's winner.

I know that people are going to be missing B-side's usually outstanding recap of this show, but he is saving his energy for what is sure to be an amazing finally of The Apprentice. I told him snorting a little coke or some ritalin would get him through this tough time, but not being an aspiring agent, he likes to keep himself drug-free.

Last week, Anne was eliminated, and there was really no controversy about it. She has taken some of the worst pictures, and although she was tall and beautiful (Can you believe she made it farther than Norelle?), she just didn't seem like a good fit to be among the winners. There was a bit of controversy when she completely ignored her seemingly best friend Eva after her eviction. The strain in their relationship has been tough on our little diva, and you could tell she was really upset with what happened.

Not to worry though, because with people like Yaya and Amanda around, you know that they will do anything in their power to make her feel more comfortable and part of the group. She's vulnerable and just needs a friend. Uhhh, no. I think Yaya secretly enjoyed seeing Eva so shaken up, and my suspicions were confirmed when Yaya said "If there was anything Amanda or I could do to make Eva feel more included or comfortable, I don't think that we would". Yaya so smart and yet so compassionate. I guess when she was lecturing other people about "respeito" (respect) and wearing it on her T-shirt, it was kind of a suggestion and not a hard and fast rule. OK Yaya, you are smart, black, and beautiful do you have to stick the dagger in and twist it too?

A big deal was made about the last panel, because the judges said that they didn't see anybody who had what it takes to win. I think Nolé was just a little crabby because his dog got shipped to Korea instead of Japan, which means it is likely in somebody's galbee right as we speak. Hey, I don't care what they put in the Korean barbecue, I still eat it. The photo shoot before the first elimination of the night was going to be a Cover Girl spread, and the photos taken for that shoot would be used as part of the $100,000 contract that the winner received at the end of the competition.

Amanda went first, and she has been trying to let her personality go. Frankly, I don't really see what the problem is, she's always smiling and funny in her interviews, she just sort of tanks out in front of the judges. I blame her lack of personality on hanging around with Yaya too much. She's the type of girl that decides to throw a party, but instead of enjoying watching people get drunk, she invites them to carve pumpkins or sing carols or go ice skating. But more importantly than that, she tries to make everybody around her feel stupid, so that tends to clam people up around her that may feel intimidated. To get some of her life back, Amanda utilized her inner joy, which somehow translated into thinking of rabbits in France. Hey, you gotta do what comes naturally.

Eva came next, and she has picked up a little bit of her attitude that had kind of waned since Anne had been so pissy about their competition. She wanted to be fierce, but Amanda watched and commented that she just didn't see any energy. Energy is never a problem with Yaya. Yaya does so well because she can always find a mental thing to connect with. We are once again reminded that Yaya recites poetry and has a great education. SHUT UP ALREADY. Where does she live that anybody can stand to hear her talk about the ivy league all of the time? Did you ever notice that the people who like to tell everybody how smart they are really kind of suck and sound stupid because they have nothing to talk about except themselves?

Jay was quite impressed with everybody that day, but even I could tell that these three wouldn't have a very hard time. It was all a glamour shoot. The remaining girls are all beautiful and all know what to do for the camera in that kind of pose. The other activity was a go-see with Noriko Fukushima, a ready-to-wear designer very popular in Japan. They kind of rushed through this segment because they had two eliminations, and we only got to see each model in one outfit, but Yaya stole the show with a dress that gave sort of a peek-a-boo look at her ass. I was surprised Yaya even put it on, because she said that it would have looked kind of hoochie back home. That's what we like, the approachable Yaya. You've come a long way baby.

When it came time for the first panel, it was a very difficult choice. Honestly, all of the girls looked gorgeous in their pictures. The designer Noriko said that Amanda's skin, eyes, and hair are all something that people would admire in Japan. Just a few week's ago, Nigel used that comment as a negative against Norelle, but didn't really say much about it this time. They praised Yaya because she didn't even need a retouch to make her skin look great. Hey, it's a start. For Eva, they noted that her skin looked like honey, and that her smile came from within, which is much better than Janice can do, since her smile comes from a face lift and botox.

For the first elimination, I was sure of two things. 1) Amanda would go on to the next round and 2) Janice would pop a boob. Seriously, can't they find a better washed-up supermodel to do this kind of thing? I heard Carol Alt and Cheryl Tiegs are looking for work. Number two may still come to pass, but number one definitely did not happen. Although Yaya has done so well, I honestly thought she had the least impressive of the Cover Girl spreads(more of a case of Amanda's and Eva's blowing me away actually), and yet her name was called first. Tyra said between Eva and Amanda, we have two incomplete packages, and each has what the other needs. Hmm, Amanda wants eyesight and Eva wants a baby? No. Let me see, Amanda wants to be able to tan, and Eva wants to be older. No. Oh that's right, Amanda has high fashion, but Eva has the presence right in front of you. Of the two, the judges chose Eva, and Amanda was gone. It was sad to see Amanda go, because I thought she was the favorite coming in, and I hope she can find a contract before she can't see anymore.

Amanda's departure made things fairly awkward at the model dojo, since only Eva and Yaya were left. They are on such completely opposite ends of the personality spectrum, but they decided that they could deal with each other for at least another couple of days. I found it funny to hear Eva talk about the sweet person that Yaya had underneath. I guess sweet and arrogant bitch are synonyms in the Eva Diva Abridged Dictionary. Yaya also saw something that she never saw in Eva before, and wondered why it took them so long to build a relationship. Well, it could be that you didn't have an open mind about her in the first place Yaya. It wasn't long since she said that she didn't care if Eva felt alone. Sometimes when you are friendly you can, you know, make friends.

With only Yaya and Eva left, we are assured of seeing our very first non-white America's Next Top Model, although I do disagree with some people who think it was some sort of conspiracy to have this sort of outcome. The only way a fix would have been on would have been if Kristi had made it any farther than she had did. In their final one on one talk with Tyra, both started to get a little bit teary eyed about the subject. Tyra told Eva it wasn't about race, but that she did see a "very troubled girl, not perfection, but proving herself". After Tyra's words of wisdom, that's usually the end of things, but Eva went on about wanting a place to sleep, somebody to love, and somebody to hold(if she wants to shack up in West Hollywood, I know a good place). It was very poignant, but became a little less so as Tyra started to nod off a little bit at the end. I guess the producers forgot the cue card that said "STAY AWAKE!".

The final competition was going to be a runway show for Noriko Fukushima. This was a big deal because the show wasn't set up for them, meaning there would be a ton of pressure, and everybody was sure to have butterflies. I wondered if the judges knew about the runway show and voted Amanda out knowing that it could have been a big problem for her. Yaya has no problem with butterflies because she always has something mental to connect with. She connects walking down the runway with (SURPRISE!) walking across the stage to pick up her diploma. Shit Yaya, please find something else to talk about. I am sure you can get people to stare at your boobs and be silent for a little while, but soon all the talk about your education gets a little bit old. Refocus, re-center, recite poetry. FINE.

Our Diva Eva has always loved the runway, because she can work it, HARD CORE. Except this was to be a traditional Japanese style show, which meant the motions were very relaxed, and instead of walking back and forth along a straight runway, they would have to walk around a runway shaped like a box. It would require four, count them FOUR, left handed turns. The pressure was really on, even Tyra felt nervous. The judges sat in the front row by the runway, which was tough enough, but Janice decided that she had to shout things whenever either of the girls walked by, like "Nice ass!" Janice is annoying, but I am sure that if I was to go to any party with an open bar, she would be the most entertaining to talk to, mainly because I am sure that she would show me her boobs for an olive from my martini. Although maybe the combination of alcohol and Janice's boobs could make me sick.

Both of our fine young women did well on the runway, and were even able to to avert a near disaster, ie collision, as Yaya was finishing her last run, and Eva was just about to start hers. Luckily, Yaya remembered that the person entering the runway has precedence, so she did an amazing thing to prevent any problems. She slowed down her walk. Phew! That took some real thinking on the fly, thank god that English degree from Brown is being put to good use! After mastering the very difficult "Yield" section of modeling 101, she can surely move on to upper level courses like "Complete stop" and "U-turn".

Once again, the competition was very close. The main critique of Yaya was that she was a little too much heel-toe, which I guess is not good for the runway. For Eva, they noticed that she sort of did a neck bobbing gesture when she walked sometimes. Janice said she looked like an egret, which was a surprisingly accurate, fair, and non-intoxicated observation on her part. I think it was Janice's new Elvira look that put her into such a state.

During the final elimination, we got to see a selection from some of the previous photos from each girl. Yaya has progressed from a "zombie look" to that of a true model, and Eva has gone from doing the Paris Hilton patented hand-on-hip-ass-out pose to ones that were much more natural. They also mentioned that Yaya had finally knocked that chip off of her shoulder. Well, I guess if they say so, but I haven't seen it yet. It was a very difficult deliberation. Nolé (who will be played by Luiz Guzman if there is ever a movie adaptation of ANTM), Nigel and Janice each had good and bad to say about both Eva and Yaya.

I truly had no clue what was going to happen, but I believed that Yaya was too polished not to win. I was shocked, shocked I say (and relieved) when they announced Eva was the winner. She immediately did her best Halle Berry winning the Oscar impersonation with the crying and the clutching and then more crying. Yaya was her charming self in defeat. I was expecting her to say something like "My non-skill really enabled another person to win, and I am fine with that" but instead she chopped in with "they wanted somebody bubble, and they found it". It's so hard to be smart, educated, and black, it's a good thing we don't ask Yaya to try and pretend she is fun to be around.

I have to hand it to America's Next Top Model, they picked a girl who was black, the shortest of all the contestants, and has the smallest boobs. (One out of three is fine for me!) We look forward to seeing Eva in her new Cover Girl ads and/or commercials and whatever her Ford Models contract leaves her. From buck-toothed and pudgy, you have become fit and fabulous. We salute you.

America's Next Top Model

How To Reflect on Human Depravity and Learn Absolutely NOTHING

Pop quiz: When you see monuments of the African slave trade and the Berlin Wall, what are the first thoughts that pop into your head? If you answered sausage making, beer chugging, and soap box derbies, you are correct! That's the lovely combination that The Amazing Race conjured up for us tonight on a Very Special Emmy episode.

Oh, and let's not forget the domestic abuse. No, not the kind where we bloggers of the world laugh and say "He's gonna hit her!" I mean the kind where we bloggers of the world say "Wow, he just shoved his wife in the middle of the street." Yeah, it's not funny anymore.

Where's Jeff Probst when you need him?

We knew tonight's episode was going to be emotional because a) CBS has not stopped showing commercials of Gus sobbing, and b) um, okay, I have no second reason. Kris and Jon kicked off this leg of the race as they excitedly read they'd be going to the largest former slave house in the region. "Let's go!" they chirped, only a shade less enthusiastically than Mario and Luigi. I know these two are happy and like the best people ever, but honestly, it's a SLAVE HOUSE!

Aaron and Hayden's boobs opened up their clue with considerably less enthusiasm, and Rebecca managed to insult an entire continent by yapping "I'd love to get out of Africa. I can see why so many people escaped." If by "escaped" you mean "torn from their families and homesteads to be shipped to America where they were slaves for a few hundred years," then yeah, TOTALLY. They were SO lucky to have escaped!

Meanwhile, in the uncomfortably ironic department, penniless Mary Jean and Don announced their plan to rebound from losing all their cash at the end of the last round: "If we have to sing and dance, we'll get the money," Mary Jean said as she pulled out her "Ralph Ellison Guide to The Invisible Man Money Dance".

As teams arrived at the slave house, the show slowed down to take a moment to respect and reflect on the tragic destinies of so many Africans. Each team was instructed to enter the house and lay a flower down in tribute to the slaves. It really was a beautiful moment, but snarky me knew the producers were playing me like a fiddle as those swelling strings took over the soundtrack. Yes, I wouldn't let my cold heart be warmed by some reality show! Cut to Kris and Jon saying a prayer (they're so nice), Gus sobbing, then Don teary eyed, then Gus explaining how he didn't cry at his parents funerals, then me with my lower lip quivering. Damn this is powerful. Did Jerry Bruckheimer let Speilberg direct this episode or something? Just about the only thing that could make this more moving would be if they headed to concentration camps. Hmmm... I wonder where they'll be off to next?

Germany!

Teams were instructed to head back to Europe and seek out the Berlin Wall. So I guess this will be a real upper of an episode, huh? As everyone made their way to the Senegal Airport, Kendra expressed an unrelenting desire for a croissant in Paris. Sorry Kendra, this is the Amazing Race, not pretend to be Gertrude Stein Day. First time beggars Mary Jean and Don felt badly asking for money from the locals. Why? "We're from an affluent area," said Don. As Elaine Benes would say, GET OUT! I thought they were trailer trash for sure. Luckily, the introspective, guilt-inducing visit to the slave house had other teams throwing down the cash for the elderly couple. Suckers.

Meanwhile, in the cab to the airport, Hayden and her globule mammaries were in quite the pleasant mood. "How are you doing today?" she asked the cabbie. "My breasts are fine thanks," she then added. Less thoughtful was resident bimbo Kendra who had this fine message for Senegal's tourism board: "This city is wretched and disgusting. And they just keep breeding and breeding!" Yeah! I mean, they should do something with all these people. Maybe if we just send a bunch of missionaries and let our government prop up dictators, everything will be fine!

Before we could truly reflect on Kendra's idiocy, a full scale controversy exploded at the ticket desk for Air France. With shades of Charla vs. Colin entering the picture, Bolo and Lorie protested against Aaron and Hayden purchasing tickets for teams that hadn't even arrived yet. The two teams entered into a poorly worded battle of the (dim)wits with Bolo's triumphant dis being "Shut up, mouth!" Kendra (who had since dropped her sociological studies to enter the fray) responded with a simple "Barbarian!" Hayden had the closest thing resembling any sort of put down when she charged: "Just 'cause you're 5'5" and on steriods--" to which Bolo responded, "I'm not on steroids." I'm shocked that Lori didn't pipe up with a rousing "But I am, bitch!" and then grab Hayden's hair (Breasty cat fight would then ensue in slow motion, toppling into the mud pit Air France keeps near its ticketing desk).

Inexplicably, we returned from commercial break to find that the entire storm had passed — everyone was apologizing and hugging and denying steroid use. (Way to be topical, Amazing Race). I suppose the fact that everyone was able to get tickets easily mollified that whole situation. It should be noted that Kendra had still not received her croissant though.

Just because the airport spat blew over didn't mean we couldn't have some more cattiness. And who pray tell was in the center of this latest girl on girl imbroglio? Why Adam and blue haired Jon! Jon and Victoria accused Adam and Rebecca of following them, and of course that made Jon flip out. He should really learn to relax. Maybe he should go to a spa. You know, a spa like the one he OWNS.

With all the bickering, we almost forgot that there was a clue hanging around - at the Berlin Wall specifically. Bolo pulled over some local and asked for directions. "You know the Berlin Wall?" he asked. The woman responded with an exasperated answer that seemed to say "No, never heard of it. Is that like some socially relevant landmark that may have divided my city for many years? Oh wait, I did hear about that! I got shot when I tried to climb over it!"

The next clue instructed teams to head to a sculpture of broken chains (cue the Spielberg violin) across the street from a church ravaged from WWII (cue Tom Hanks giving Phil a little pat and saying "WWII sanctimony? I'll take it from here, Phil."). While most teams found the clue box along the Berlin Wall easily, a few actually meandered into the wall territory where they found themselves trapped behind.. a wall! It's almost as if the Berlin Wall was... a wall! Who would have thought a wall could be such... a wall! Eventually the two teams made their way out of the area and sprinted back to the clue box, passing Gus and Hera, out for their usual racetime promenade. "That's why running too fast is bad," commented Hera. Team Slow and Steady strikes again!

At the sculpture, teams received their Detour for this leg of the race: Brats or Beers. In Brats, teams had to go to a sausage factory (Adam jokes forming...) where they were to make five continuous seven inch links. In Beer, teams had to go to a pub and hand over two steins of beer to get five custom made coasters which were hidden everywhere. Stumped by the word "stein" and apparently unable to ask a local, Freddy and Kendra bounded off to the sausage factory. Ahead of them were paragons of domestic bliss Jon and Victoria who quickly popped out their brats. The couple's ease with the phallic objects once again supported my theory that the two dabble in porn. Feel free to spread that rumor.

As the bratwurst industry enjoyed its most high profile exposure since Paris and Nicole first introduced the sausage arts to reality TV (and arguably night vision), the sexual innuendoes poured on quickly. Bolo, Lori, and Rebecca all worked together to form one giant double-entendre interchange as they described the process. Bolo: "Is it hard?" Lori: "At first." Rebecca: "Start pushing it in." Snickers all around the TVgasm offices. Meanwhile, as the meat slowly firmed up the limp intestinal casing, Rebecca asked her girlfriend Adam if he was paying attention. "I'm paying attention!" he snipped. "Good God am I paying attention!" he seemed to salivate.

On the other side of the room, Bolo gave some credence to his barbarian label as he snacked on the raw innards of the sausage. As charming as it may have been to watching him slurp down the uncooked intestinal casing, I really didn't need to see it. This just in: Bolo has died.

Over at the pub, teams were having an easy time finding their coasters. The only one with any sort of problems was Hera, who tragically learned that her father was a lush. While she desperately tried to get the clue, Gus kept sipping from his gargantuan steins. To his credit, that beer did look delicious. Still, I wouldn't want Gus getting all drunk and showing us his man-titties again.

Back with the bratwurst, we finally got the innuendo we expected from Adam in a sausage factory. As Rebecca dispassionately urged "Keep going. Push. Push", Adam let his true feelings out: "More than seven inches. More! I want more than seven inches. We need a pump. Can I get one of these for my house?" Is this what it sounds like when these two have sex, or, ahem, "sex"? (That was my snarky way of implying that they don't have sex because I think Adam is gay).

While Adam lived out his sexual fantasies through the sausage grinder, Bolo and Lori offered up their links to the judges. At first they were rejected for having small sausages (those steroids really do shrink everything), but the second time around, they passed. I wonder if it was Lori's demonic whisper chanting of "Seven. Seven. Seven." that convinced the judge to let them go. I feared she would place some voodoo hex on his house had he sent them back again.

Not long after the wrestlers left, Rebecca and Adam finished up their set. Rebecca was proud of the last sausage: "The last one is girthy and lengthy," she said. Ah yes. Just the way Adam likes it. What? He likes large bratwursts. And penis too. No big deal.

Around this time we realized that Jon and Victoria had a commanding lead over everyone else as they were the first to arrive at a soapbox derby Roadblock. Great. These two do not deserve first place. Alas. Jon guided his soapbox cart down the hill under the acceptable time limit, and while he and his wife tried to figure out how to get to the Pitstop, Freddy and Kendra showed up to try their hand at the Roadblock. Wow, maybe that lead wasn't as commanding as I had thought. More on that later...

Now let's pause to once again admire Hayden's boobs which happily bounced up and down as she ran up to her boxcart. Did anyone else hear timpani drums going "Bum boom bum boom" in their heads? And don't act like you didn't notice. Those things were bouncing around so much I thought she was going to pull a lottery number out of her chest.

Meanwhile, back to the abusive couple. Because Jon yelled at Victoria before she could get proper directions from the cabbie, the two got lost, then frustrated, and then frantic. In what appeared to be heavy traffic, Jon insisted that he switch to navigator and Victoria take the driver's seat. Great plan, except somewhere in the middle of this switcheroo, Victoria's legs shrunk about two feet because she was suddenly bawling "I can't reach the pedals!!!" She then realized she was sitting Indian style. Realizing that his wife was having a panic attack, Jon reclaimed the driver's seat and relegated Victoria back to the navigator position. It was a lot of hubbub over nothing, but vacuous models Freddy and Kendra were able to capitalize on the domestic spat and take over the lead.

Well, that was unacceptable to Jonathan. Eventually the two teams burst into a foot race. Freddy took Kendra's bag so she could run faster. Why, that was chivalrous. Meanwhile, Victoria — who was wearing the heavier bag, mind you — bounded ahead of Jon towards the Pit Stop. Perhaps feeling emasculated or impatient, Jon decided to drop his bags with some random stranger and catch up to his wife. Well, you see, race or no race, it's not so smart leaving all your personal items with a dude on the street; so Victoria went back, grabbed her husband's bag and labored behind him. That's right. Jon carried nothing while his wife carried EVERYTHING. This led to the over-the-top/tragically sad image of VIctoria bawling her way down the final stretch, barely able to breathe, while Jonathan stood yelling at her, not even offering her a helping hand.

As the comedy of the scene slowly melded into ickiness, Freddy and Kendra snagged first place and a trip to exotic Mexico. The dumb models hugged and kissed while Jonathan and Victoria ceased their running and let the abuse kick in. Or shove in, I should say. Yes, in our first tangible proof that Jon is actually physically abusive as well as verbally and emotionally, the asshole pushed his wife (yes, his WIFE) who, by the way, was still struggling the breathe from all that weight on her back. And when some items fell out of her bags, she had to pick them up. I suppose this was all part of that whole "We were just playing roles, trying to make entertaining TV!" excuse they'll no doubtedly be babbling about on their inevitable press tour. Feel free to let them know just how entertaining they are by emailing them here (and be sure to browse around the rest of that site. You might lose even more respect for John Travolta when you see that he actually associates with this douchebag).

Click on Victoria to play (Quicktime required)

When this unhappy couple finally reached Phil, Victoria was so ashamed and embarrassed and sad that she couldn't even lift her face. Too bad they were eliminated. Oh yeah, they weren't. All this drama was because they were in SECOND PLACE. As Victoria sadly shuffled off, Jon looked to the visibly disgusted Phil to get his back: "She should have left it [the bag]!" Jon yelled as one of his many complaints. With this disturbing circus unfolding in front of him, Phil had no choice but to get all disapprovingly WASPy on his ass: "Jonathan, I think you should probably talk to Victoria." In Philspeak, that means "Get yo' bony white ass out of my face before I bust a cap in yo' ass!"

Phil handled the situation very calmly and with great class, but honestly, we needed a little Probst action. You just KNOW that Jeff would have told off Jon. Heck, I wouldn't have been surprised had Jeff thrown a punch. Trump would have been another great host for this fracas. But I think possibly the most amusing matchup would have been Jon vs. Julie Chen. She probably would have just smiled, turned to the camera and said "We've just seen our second place team cross the finish line. Our third team is just around the corner. But first, let's listen in on Jon as he beats Victoria."

Anyway, mildly humbled by Phil, Jon went over to Victoria to "talk" to her. And by "talk", I mean verbally berate her even more. "It's a race. it's not about compassion," he yelled. Um, except you're MARRIED. It's "Til death do you part," not "Til race do you part."

I suppose I'm on my soapbox, and speaking of which, there were still teams racing around. Everyone seemed to be relatively close together, but Don and Mary Jean had sadly fallen to the back of the pack yet again, and I'm not sure why either. That's not to say that they gave up. The two attacked their missions with gusto, especially Mary Jean who sped her go-cart down the hill at speeds unknown to AARP drivers (above 35 mph). As MJ careened into a bale of hay at the end of the course, I was surprised Don didn't burst into tears and bawl "I'm so proud of her!" Ultimately, the two finished last again, and this time they were eliminated. In their exit interview, they praised each other's love and how lucky they were to have each other. Awww... That was sweet.

Well, more domestic abuse next week. Hooray!

Update: All those feeling the need to chat with Jonathan about his charming behavior, his classy website, or his daily mousse usage, feel free to email him or add him to your buddy list: jonathanbaker@aol.com.

MAXIM-IZE Your 15 Minutes of Shame

So you want to be a master of industry. You invest years of learning, tens of thousands of dollars on education and countless man-hours hard at work proving your worth as a business woman. All of this building to the most spectacular interview of your life. An opportunity to be the apprentice to a man whose name is synonimous with power, strength, respect and most of all wealth. That name, Donald Trump.

After weeks of a globally broadcast job interview, during which you must prove week after week, task after task that all your experience and education makes you deserving the respect and position as President of a Trump organization, you are, humbly, let go. So, what now? What does a strong proper business woman do? How can you continue the momentum which will eventually guide you to become the master of industry you are so deserving of? SHOW YOUR JUBBLIES!

The ladies of The Apprentice 2 "are fired" up as they make the natural progression from leaders of industry, to reality TV personality, and ultimately to the pages of Maxim Magazine. Proving once again, the real way for a woman to accell in this male driven society is to be sitting next to the male driving, preferably in lingerie and if necessary, fellate that society he is driving like only a college educated woman can.

But the real heroes in this story are the underage children in the Ecuadorian airbrushing facilities, employed by MAXIM. For only $0.12 a day they can turn shriveled, liver spotted belly warmers, into supple sweater muffins.

FULL MAXIM PHOTO'S AND REVIEW AFTER THE JUMP

Let's begin this review, as I feel all TvGasm columns should with a little girl on girl action.

What do you get when you cross an over blinking Vulcan bot with a bland Muppet?

Well when you add a tinge of airbrush and "the right angle" you wind up with two sexy kneeling bed nymphs whose bosoms seem to be out for a midday stroll. In a show of uniformity and girl power, Maria and Jen C. are wearing similar business attire, that is if your business is at The Body Shop NUDE NUDE NUDE on the Sunset Strip in Hollywood. It appears that since losing her job due to anti-Semitic remarks made on the show Jen C. has resorted to stealing as seen here. Jen is attempting to take the Vulcan’s pearl necklace, but when Maria looks back and foils Jen's plot, she has not choice but to put her hand atop the hip and give her a "mentos moment" look, shocking Jen and causing her to resort back to her "I'm a bad little girl who needs to be spanked" look, which had we seen in the board room someone might have heard a "you're hired."

Pearl necklaces aren't the only things Jen C. has stolen. She has also stolen the heart of the Maxim editor who put her in a 3rd photo. This time, she's all alone.

After a brief wardrobe change, Jen C. can now be seen kneeling once again, this time atop a chair and leaning back to her shoe, as if to say "I'm about to get naked, starting with this shoe. I'm soooo naughty! I could have been a naughty President." A close inspection to the two Jen photos revealed an ab slimming gimmick. By kneeling and leaning her upper torso back, Jen's abs seem a lot tighter and flatter than they otherwise would. Also, note how high her first skirt rides on her sides. Now look at the second photo. It would seem that were it not for the lean back and high belt line, we would be witnessing what some may refer to as a "nose rest" or "belly bump." Are my abs perfect? No. Am I half naked in Maxim? No. Does Jen C. have access to a snarky website with millions of hits a week? No. Therefore I submit Jen C. is an airbrushed chunky monkey who got lucky with a slim face.


From M&M girl, to Maxim whore, Sandy proves one man's trash is another mans page 124. The Apprentice wallflower tried to bloom in the last few episodes with a presumed makeover from finalist Jennifer. That bloom was ill fated, and ultimately just made her the hottest chick at the trailer park. But when Maxim fashionista's, photographers and air brush artist's had their way, her second bloom was somewhat more impressive. Her hair, healthy. Her legs, slender. Her slut skirt, Jen C's? Even the Maxim folk took one look at her and said, "Ah crap. The hell are we gonna do with this lump. Umm, why not just toss her in that lice ridden skirt that other media whore just took off." Despite the best efforts of the Maxim whore-makers, Sandy's second blooming was less a rose and more, a chia pet. Kinda cool at first, but ultimately, a big fat so what? Though initially she may look like a Creole lady marmalade whore, the exquisite time piece below her left fun bag proves this lady has taste and could certainly be taken seriously as a


Hands down the most improved award has to go to Stacie J. I mean, seriously. Just look at her. Go ahead, get off the phone, turn off your ipod and just look to the right and the left. Take a good hard look. Who would have ever thought that a woman who is as sexually enticing as a meat shredder immersed in lemon juice, could make an astounding transformation from this ragged crispy witch of a woman.....

to this caramel coloured, long legged, ass cheek exposing, dream...

It is an impressive transformation, true. But, let us not go praising her work-out regime, diet and hair relaxer quite yet. Brilliant make-up wardrobe and airbrushing can go quite far. Don’t believe me? Equally as amazing transformations have taken place before, and inspired by Aerosmith's lyric "Dude look like a lady" I have found my proof. Knowing a young man named Paul can make this TRANsition....

...it makes me far less impressed that Stacie has gone from hideously ugly to not quite as nasty. I mean, at least she began with the proper equipment, he had the uphill battle of...well...a penis, and his outcome spectacularly similar to hers. Lesson to be learned; if you take Stacie out on a date, pay particular attention to which restroom she uses.


Lastly, but certainly not least, we have Pamela. When executives for magazines known for fantasies, sexuality and youth brainstormed to come up with pictorial participants, it was only a matter of time before Pamela's name came up. I would have expected it to come up by a drunken, sarcastic, possibly disgruntled executive, but no. Here it is. In a move which made me thrilled that Madeline Albright wasn't on The Apprentice, Maxim executives decided any vaginally laden Apprentice candidate would qualify for the spread. Even if they carry spare change, not in their purses, but in their eye bags. Even if they have jowls that would inspire Droopy Dog to suggest a lift. Even if they have the overall demeanor of a line backer, no woman will be left un-whored.

If Tom Hanks can meet Nixon, if Smiegle can quest for a ring, and if Nemo can be found, then I don't know why I am in such shock that Pamela can be "look-at-able." There is so much wrong with this photo though, it's hard to know what to point out, and what is so blatant it would just insult the reader. To begin, what’s with the face? They brushed more bags than Jenna Jameson's tongue in an orgy. It doesn't even look like a photo but rather a painting. You can even see the clear line of where the airbrushing fades above her clavicle right around where her double parallel turkey neck begins to be exposed. I do appreciate her maintaining her business professionalism by wearing a business blazer. A true professional. She definitely has ample chest moons, but the authenticity of those come into question when you notice the "shine" which gives them their fullness shares and eerie similarity to the "shine" on her cheeks and forehead. Very airbrush looking. Now glance down and notice her waste line. Its thinner then her head. I smell doctored. Perhaps the least impressive and most distracting sell out moment of the whole thing for me, are the panties with the thumb hook. Its less as if you are looking at a teen model posing and more as though you are looking at a ripplingly old single mother trying to stay connected to her daughter by being hip, meanwhile the Friday night panties are leaping out, gasping for some fresh air. On the plus side, Maxim does answer the age long question, "What would Murphy Brown look like if she was a classy Jenny Jones guest?"

God bless Candace Bergen Humor.
She's officially a punch line.

It's unclear what these women’s motivations where in posing for this spread. If they expect it to do wonders for their celebrity careers, their just kidding themselves. In two weeks they will be as relevant as Vicky The Robot. If they expect to maintain integrity in the business world...I'm sorry, that should read "obtain integrity," my bad....I don’t think this is the best method to do so. Though I suppose it depends on what business field they want to accell; because the more I look at these photos the more I do give credit that they all look like working girls. Bachelor parties in Arkansas LOOK OUT!

If you are opening a bar with saw dust on the floor, and are looking for someone to cut the red ribbon opening day, these are your girls!
(tips appreciated)

The List is Life

Let me be perfectly honest. If what you are after is mindless entertainment, Bunim/Murray is what you are looking for. Then again, I probably didn't have to tell you that. Between The Real World, Road Rules,and The Simple Life, Bunim/Murray has taken the "if we put idiots on the screen, somebody will watch" motif pretty far. I have sort of given up on most of the Real World, sort of tune into Road Rules, but theReal World/Road Rules Challenge is still where it's at baby. The Challenge is stripped of all of the ridiculous assumption that participants are anything other than attention seeking camera whores. And most of them are sluts to boot.

Some may say that I made that mention of sluts because I knew that Theo and Tonya were featured in the opening sequence, or that Tonya was a Playboy Cyber Girl of the Month for December. (Nice photographs, but sort of scary to look at in their entireity. SFW sample). I assure you it was all complete coincidence. Anyway, Theo and Tonya are contemplating some things about the game, but mainly are just trying to pass the time as they smoke a cigarette. I guess there is some sort of rule that you must blur out cigarettes on TV, because MTV blurred out the pack Theo was fidgeting with (looked like Parliament Lights, but I can't tell). Maybe you can't show people smoking, but you sure can show them the cigarette butts that were left over from the activity. What is that you say, they don't actually blur out the cigarette, only the box? That makes much more sense. Bunim/Murray doesn't care about preventing the promotion of cigarettes to youngsters, they just don't want to piss of any advertisers.

I feel vindicated, because after several weeks of complaining about Eric and his stupid jump rope, we finally get to see what his teammates and opponents think of his accessory. Not surprisingly, almost everybody on the show thinks it is stupid. Unfortunately, I think this segment was supposed to be a campy bit, and not a full-hearted attempt at mocking Eric and his stupid jump rope. Everybody tried to play it off that they have no clue about the mysticism of the jump rope or why he carries it around, but I am sure he tells everybody who asks, and many who don't, the real reason he carries it around. He stars in his very own jump rope exercise video, and I wouldn't be surprised if it was produced by somebody in connection with MTV. That is how these things work in this town.

The dilemma on the girls team is still trying to figure out how in the hell they are going to pull off a win. Coral is stilly mystified and "can't pinpoint the problem", but assures us that once they hit rock bottom, they will be ready to pick themselves up and really kick ass. This begs the question as to what exactly is "rock bottom"? Was it the four game losing streak you put up to start the show? Or perhaps it was the four game losing streak you put up after winning your first challenge. Or maybe it was when Steven mocked all of them for sucking, and quite frankly they had to deal with the truth that they did suck. If Coral is looking for something that is the source of the problem, she should think about looking at Veronica, who took one look at the challenge and determined that the girls had absolutely no chance. Wow Veronica, did you come up with that one on your own? Couldn't you have said that every week and been wrong once?

So what was this daunting challenge? I am going to try and explain it to you in less time than it took Jonny Mosely. The name of the challenge was "Pop Culture Bike Jump", which got Coral excited because pop culture is stereotypically stronger for women, especially if the producers slanted questions for the women, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. Basically, there were three bike ramps of varying heights. A contestant could choose to go down a ramp(which was actually part of a half pipe), and they would score one, two, or three points, depending on the height of the ramp. The "jump" was completed when the contestant got both bike wheels in the air on the other side of the pipe.

Complicated? Not really, although Eric made sure to remind us that we would only get one point for the ramp marked "1", two points for the ramp marked "2", and you can probably get the rest yourself. Now, before making a jump, a contestant could choose to answer a pop culture question. Get the question right, and you could jump off any ramp height and be awarded six points, fail the question, and you wouldn't get a chance to do the ramp at all, thereby ruining you chances at ANY points. You see, you had to choose between the risk and the reward between each scenario. Surely a grueling scenario for sure.

Despite another challenge with no sign of a reason why there should be a team leader, the girls chose Tina, Arissa, and Sophia, which I guess meant they were trying to get rid of some of the minorities on their team. The guys picked Brad, Theo, and Frank, or as I like to call them, Boring, Crazy, and More Boring.

Early on the girls decided that they were just going to jump without answering the pop culture questions, which is stupid because if they are supposed to be better at pop-culture, try using it to your advantage. The pop culture questions were not that hard, but the guys had some trouble early on when Dan couldn't name Anna Nicole Smith's dog. Shane saved them, however, when they asked to name Madonna's kid (Ironically enough showing solidarity with his "Where is Rachel" t-shirt) Asking that question to a gay man is like asking somebody in Hollywood to show you the nearest adult bookstore. You are going to get the answer before you finish the question. Other interesting questions they used were to name what Kelis' milkshakes brings. The guys got that one right, and so the girls naturally had to do their little rendition of the song.[Correction, the boys got the question wrong. Obvously the girls got it right, therefore they did a dance. Hat tip - Blip] Why do girls love that song so much?

Eventually, the game came down to Brad and Arissa. The question they received was the first woman killed off in the "Scream" movie series, which Brad missed, and Arissa answered correctly. Since the girls were up by three at that point (mainly from guys missing their questions), if Arissa completed the jump, they were assured of winning the challenge. Uh oh! Isn't Arissa scared of heights? What is going to happen?!?! If you think my concern sounds a little fake, you are absolutely correct. Did you notice how the girls were making it harder on themselves? Whenever the guys answered a pop culture question, they used the first ramp. Whenever the girls answered it correctly, they would use the third and highest ramp. That's dumb but didn't matter in the end. Not one person who had attempted the bike jump had failed to complete it to satisfaction, and though she did have some trouble keeping one of her feet on the pedal, Arissa completed the jump and the girls won. And to make it better, they did so even though Eric had started praying to his false idol jump rope for the girls to lose, even if it meant injury. Quality guy, that Eric Nies. For their reward, they received some iJoy massage chairs from Sharper Image, and a chance to create a huge controversy with their votes.

The guys deliberations were barely worth anything. They picked Frank in about two seconds, which was good, because that meant that there was going to be more time to show us the crazy girls and all of their antics. Tonya was back with Theo again, worrying about her chances at winning. They were both concerned, Tonya about being voted off, and Theo with the difficulty of sneaking glances at Tonya's boobs but still seeming interested enough in her that she would sleep with him when they got drunk later. It turns out that Ibis was making a list, and Tonya hates lists because they focus on what people have done wrong. Oh, I get it, you don't want to weed out people that screwed up in challenges.

When confronting Ibis about the list, Ibis said that she made it for Tina. Tonya was concerned that the whole group didn't get a chance to make the list, which I guess makes sense because you aren't supposed to give control of voting your teammate out of the game to just three people. You can't leave it up to some sort of "inner circle to decide". Well, actually you are, but Ibis told Tonya that she was sure the inner circcle would look at a lot of things and not just the list. That statement lasted all of about 5 minutes, as we cut to the women's inner circle talking about all of the points on the list, and eventually decied between Tonya and Veronica.

On elimination hill, I think Mosely was coming down off of some shrooms because he started to elongate some of his vowel sounds. I thought of a great idea for the next Challenge, by the way. Have the eliminations handled America's Next Top Model style, with Jonny Mosely as Tyra, and three or four celebrity (ie former Bunim/Murray cast members) judges would deliberate and vote off who they thought sucked the most. Instead of pictures, Jonny Mosely could hand out vodka bottles to the people who would stay. And I've got a million more where that came from.

So, Frank was eliminated, and the girls finally decided on Veronica, who must now resume her life(like so many others voted off) back in Los Angeles. Oh the horror. But that wasn't the end of things. Tonya called a team meeting to talk about the list. You see, the list was bad, but Tonya wanted to make it fair and go to a...uh, point system, which is different from the list, which wasn't based on any sort of points, but just some arbitrary way of looking at how people messed up. But it looked similar to a list and Tonya wanted to make sure there was no confusion. Coral came out and told Tonya to stop tripping, but the girls decided not to ever talk about the list again, and didn't want one used. So, after getting what she wants, Tonya bad mouths her teammates and says she is going to kick more ass and doesn't care what her teammates do at all.

You can obviously see why Coral has no clue what is wrong with the girls team, they just care about each other so much.

TVs Worst-Kept Secret Comes Out

So, TVgasm was trying to hold out some suspense for the now fabled lesbian kiss between Marissa Cooper and what had been an unnamed female character on The OC. Some people actually questioned the rumor when it broke, saying that we made it up, but after Out.com featured an article with Josh Schwartz confirming the relationship, many outlets began to pick up on the story that TVgasm.com brought to you first. Now, the NY Post has revealed the woman to be getting all hot and steamy with Mischa Barton. As many people have guessed, Alex Kelly, played by Olivia Wilde will start a relationship with Marissa Cooper. Although we don't quite believe the official line that this isn't a ratings stunt, we do like the idea that the creators are "trying to figure out bigger arcs for our characters". Amazing! Story arcs that may last more than three episodes? This really is a new era of television.

TVgasm wishes we could have stirred things up for a little while longer, but we weren't prepared for the premature ejaculation from the press once they heard Marissa might step up to the plate for the other team. And hey, if this works out for ratings on the show, maybe The OC will give The L-Word a run for its money.

Pot Smokes The Weasel

By Michelle Collins

It’s been a while since we’ve last joined America’s favorite Housewives. A refresher course: Andrew ran over Mama Solis and shows no remorse. Carlos gives his dying mother spongebaths. H.O.T. John calls it off with Gabrielle. A drug-addled Lynette is up to here (hand above head) with her kids. Widow Paul makes a “smoothie” move by killing off Mrs. Huber with a blender to the face. Two weeks have gone by without this show, and I nearly withered and died. Please, ABC, never again!

The camera closes in on Gabrielle’s face at the hospital, while Mary Alice voiceover’s that Gaby is thinking of her next “great idea”.

The show casually tells us that when Gabrielle was 15, her Stepfather came to her room late one night and raped her. P.S., the actor playing her stepfather is the very same guy who plays the Vin Diesel role in the porno versions of xXx and The Chronicles of My-dick. I know because a friend told me, and also because I own them.

At 15, Gabrielle moves out of her house, rightfully so. At 20, she seduces a famous fashion photographer, and a week later, begins her career as the nation’s shortest and sluttiest runway model. Really, she’s a pretty girl -- but runway model? Are we talking “Heezellay Boondchen” runway, or the “Fashion Spectacular at The Dress Barn in Peoria, Illinois” runway? Just asking.

But her modeling career takes a dive when she takes the plunge with Carlos, the man she goes on to love, honor and betray. But betrayal is oh so much more understandable when the montage cuts to John, the H.O.T. teenager who has been “tending her yard” and “plowing her field” and “having intercourse with her” these past couple of months.

Now Mama Solis’ accident has changed everything, and Gabrielle is bored again. And apparently latch hooking and scrapbook making aren’t in her near future. Gabby tells a nurse that she feels unsatisfied. The nurse replies that she derives happiness in life from helping the sick, and right on cue runs out of the room on a “Code Blue Alert” to help an old woman who appears to be strangling herself to death. Gaby senses that the hospital could use more staffers and better funding. So, with a flash of her trademarked smirk, she begins organizing a “Sacred Heart Charity Fashion Show”. Oh, also, har har.

Gaby sorts through dresses as a housewife named Betty complains that she’s too fat for the runway. Gabrielle gives her a pep talk reminiscent of Herb Brooks and his 1980 miracle hockey team: “Your ganna wear black, your ganna look great, now get out dare and model dat dare dress!”

Credits roll, music courtesy of Danny Elfman.

Edie, looking like a demented 4th grader in braids, sorts through dresses already reserved for the other ladies and finds one to her liking. The dress belongs to Mortal Frenemy Susan, and Edie rips the name tag off with a vengeance. Susan catches her in the act, takes back her dress, and marches off with a decisive “Frock Off” aimed at gr-Edie.

New Character Alert! Helen Rowland, H.O.T. John’s mom, asks for Gaby’s help adjusting her dress. She thanks Gabrielle for being so “nice” to her son by hiring him to be her gardener. Gaby says it’s been “her pleasure”, ribbed and otherwise, one can only hope. She slyly asks Helen if her son is still dating Danielle Van De Kamp, and learns that the two are on the verge of breaking up. “You remember what it was like dating teenage boys!” Helen laughs. Gabrielle lightly strokes her stigmata.

Carlos bounds down the stairs, shouting angrily on his cell phone, and drawing stares from the wives. Hey Carlos, here’s a tip: When your pubic hair grows out of your face, try not to trim it down into a manicured mouth topiary. Because your face. Looks like a crotch. He seems stressed about something. Gabrielle shrugs, and tells Susan he’s making good money, and that he just needs to relax.

Thank God Mrs. Huber is dead, or Edie would simply have nothing to wear! The girls note Mrs. Huber absence and offer Edie her dress, a long, flowing sack worthy of an old corpse. But Edie exclaims that it’s too matronly and won’t show off her plasticine figure. The girls discuss theories on Mrs. Huber’s whereabouts, no one guessing that at that very moment, Widow Paul was burying her body in a shallow grave and managing to toss the murder weapon (a.k.a. a blender) in there for good measure. How thoughtful! You never know when the deceased are gonna need a cold, strong margarita in the underworld. Hell, I need one right now.

Susan hands daughter Julie a letter from Zack, Widow Paul’s son, who is in a mental institution with a (lightning bolt) horrible family secret. Susan wants the details of the letter, but Julie brushes it off, and tells her Mom that this is one of many letters she has received from Zack. Julie says that the boy ain’t crazy, just upset about his situation and needs a friend.

Lynette, looking healthier, sits in her kitchen as her cuuuuuuute hubby Tom holds the baby and gets ready for an outing, just him and the kids. They tiff a bit over domestic responsibilities. Lynette claims that even with his help, she can’t handle the stress of four children, paying bills, the cooking, the laundry, Lynette-cetera. She says they need to hire a nanny. And here, readers, is where I cross every appendage on my body and PRAY that Fran Drescher will make an appearance on this show. Cause lord knows she could use the work, and these women could use is a little advice from America’s Favorite Jewish Slutty Sage/Old Navy Spokeswoman.

Bree and Rex are at their bastard of a son’s swim meet. Bree is S.O. angry: Not only is Andrew showing no remorse over the drunken accident, he’s still horsing around with his friends at the meet. Her husband claims that grounding Andrew and taking his TV away is more than enough punishment for nearly killing a woman. Dude, my gut instinct here tells me that you are a bad, bad father. Like, worse-than-Bob-Saget bad. Bree wants Andrew to quit the swim team, but Rex protests. The two argue over who is a better parent. When Bree tells Rex that Andrew “lived inside of [her]”, Rex shoots back with the classic “He hung out in your womb for a few months back in the 80’s!”, which I’m pretty sure is a direct quote from the Madonna/Sean Penn divorce papers. The two parents keep arguing, when a balding father seated in front of them (who, might I add, has CLEARLY heard EVERY detail of Andrew and the elderly hit and run) tells the concerned parents that Andrew won the race. They awkwardly clap.

H.O.T. John arrives at Fashion Show Headquarters, offering to work as a volunteer. Such a big heart, he has. It takes .2 milliseconds until Gaby drops a sexual innuendo that lands like a cartoon anvil, John telling her to “knock it off” since his Mom is a bone’s throw away. The two sit down, when the ever-so-classy Gabrielle takes her shoe off and starts playing “footsies” with her boy toy. Only by “footsies”, I mean her foot and his… third leg. *Throat Clear*

Susan arrives to help John’s mom, who is working only a couple of seats down from the horny twosome. Susan drops some cards, and when she stoops down to grab them, catches Gabrielle’s wandering foot on John’s thigh. Confusion and disgust set in.

Post-commercial, Susan knocks on Gabrielle’s door and confronts her. Gaby asks her not to tell anyone, but Susan ain’t havin’ none of that, cause girl, you nasty! The boy is in high school, for Bod’s sake! She is doubly-angry that Gabrielle is betraying Carlos, just her like Susan’s husband had done to her. Susan, wiser than ever before (for which I sincerely thank the writers -- no more dumb Susan!) tells Gabrielle to re-examine things. She has looks, money and a husband who loves her. Gabrielle says that he doesn’t love her, he loves having her. Seems this trophy wife has a mind of her own. And is it just me? Or does Teri Hatcher become a better actress week after week? I know people have always been obsessed with her, but I never knew she was this good! I’m delightfully surprised.

Lynette can’t find a good nanny. She asks Bree where to go if she wants to steal an already employed nanny from some other well-to-do mom. Bree knits a sweater with her brows, and eventually gives up the dirt. The sweater remains to be seen.

John shows up in Gabrielle’s front yard to give her the good news, that his relationship with (fill in appropriately aged girl’s name here) is over, and they can go one with their lives together. But Gabrielle tells him that Susan knows about everything, and it’s over. He scowls dreamily.

Bree knocks on Andrew’s door. But like a PSA gone wrong, he’s smoking pot. Really. This kid. Has got. To go. I hear Riker’s Island has an awesome sleepaway program for bratty rich kids, where you do awesome stuff like make license plates and toss salads. He tries to clear the smoke out of the air by flailing his arms around, in a way that says to an invisible person off camera “I’m open! I’m open!” Which, if he’s ever seen The Cosby Show episode where Denise smokes and gets caught, he should know is futile.

Andrew opens the door all giggly and obnoxious-faced. Bree again asks him if he is sorry for the hit and run. He says he is, and tries to explain himself by channeling Timothy Leary and blurting out some nonsense, making it completely obvious that he is stoned out of his face. Seriously, the writers pulled out every stereotype in the book. I was half-expecting to see some CGI effects of tie-dyed patters swirling around Jerry Garcia’s face, just to hammer the whole “stoned” point home.

Of course, within seconds Bree smells the pot, inspects his eyes, and accuses him of being “strung out” (hilarious). She marches to the kitchen and opens her Tupperware cabinet, a cabinet so well-stocked and neat, that it’s really made the 1950’s proud. She grabs a canister and forces her son to give up a urine sample, literally by grabbing his ear and dragging him to the toilet. I’ve really only ever seen mothers grabbing their children’s ears on television, but it has always struck me as a really effective and painful way to get people to follow you places. At least on TV.

Paul tries to scrub Mrs. Huber’s blood out of some pants, when a representative from the mental ward shows up to tell him that Zack has run away. The bloody pair of pants looks up and shrugs.

John and a friend play pick-up basketball. John tell his friend that Danielle isn’t his type (probably because she’s, like, 13). John prefers Gabrielle, but confides that things are “messed up” because someone found out about their affair. It has to stay a secret, or crotch-mouthed Carlos will kill him. The friend says that people at school will freak once they find out he’s “doing a hot housewife.” The camera pans back to John’s mother Helen, who heard this last comment. She looks on, shocked. Side note time: Where exactly did John get his dark, Spanish looks from? Cause Mom is the blondest, blandest thing ever, channeling Shelley Long circa nineteen eighty-bore. Bring out Papa John this instant!

Paul wants to know how his son managed to escape the hospital. Ward-Guy blames the Paul, saying that he insisted on heavily medicating Zack without psychotherapy, a “recipe for disaster.” Ward-Guy says Zack is troubled and only getting worse. The camera then cuts to Zack’s creepy, Doogie Howser-ish face peering out of a window at Susan’s house. Julie offers him a sandwich, and one can only assume it was made using this famous “recipe for disaster” everyone keeps talking about.

We see Lynette walking through the park where all the upscale nannies hang out. She passes some rejects, but then finds one who appears to be sweet, caring, and all of 14 years old. Seriously, this girl still has some embryonic fluid on her face, THAT’S how young she looks. Zing! Her name is Claire. Lynette asks if she “comes here often” and smiles. Funny, and yet creepy.

Our most hated Rex is on the putting green, when Bree pulls up in a golf cart armed with the bad news and her son’s urine. She tells Rex he needs to get it drug tested so that Andrew will get booted from the swim team, and, God forbid, learn a lesson. Rex refuses, saying that he is not going to ruin his son’s future just because he “sparked a doobie”. A hilariously outdated drug reference, proving that he is not only a bad father, but also old. Bree thought that his moving home was in an effort to help raise their son, and not fight with her over every little thing. Rex says he doesn’t care, and that they are still getting a divorce, so case closed. And God, really, please bless this woman. Because she opens up the container and THROWS URINE ALL OVER REX! Who’s in control, Bree? Urine control. (No need to thank me for that one.)

Lynette courts her nanny. She listens to all the horrible things Claire’s current boss makes her do. Lynette says that she would treat her like gold. Not to mention hook her up with some Grade A Ritalin, I assume. When Claire’s boss arrives at the scene, the two of them say goodbye like guilty, unfaithful lovers, i.e. “I wanna see you again” and “This just isn’t right!” It’s a funny way to mirror some of the other serious story lines.

Who knew Susan could draw! She sits in her front yard sketching Wisteria Lane when John shows up, and begs her to keep quiet about his illegal affair. Susan gives it to John straight: Gabrielle is married to a man who supports her, whereas John is only 17 and still in high school -- he could never replace Carlos. John refuses to listen. This entire time, John’s mother Helen watches them from her car, and assumes that it is in fact Susan that John is sleeping with. As my mother would say, “Oy Gevalt.”

Fashion Show! Tom makes an adorable announcer. Remember at the beginning when Gabrielle promised the overweight Betty that she would make her look slim? Instead, Betty has been strapped into a gold lamé bustier top that I’m guessing was borrowed from Rose’s slut-den on the Golden Girls.

The ladies are befrocked and bedazzled. Edie arrives. And Mrs. Huber’s unflattering dress? Well, people. Edie has “redesigned” it into a see-through negligee, minus a bodice or a skirt. It’s tiny. She tells everyone she’s not wearing underwear. A class act, people. America has an official replacement for former Slut of the Hour “Samantha Jones.”

The curtains part backstage, and Susan glides through them, looking like the lead in Swan Lake. She wears a white dress, and looks great. Everyone praises her beauty, except Edie, of course, who instead puts on a floor length Rabbi’s jacket and storms off. They decide that Susan she should be the last to walk the runway instead of Helen, who still hasn’t arrived because she’s stewing in the juices of maternal anger. Oh, and Susan is still not speaking to Gabrielle.

Helen shows up to return her dress. She’s in no mood to “strut” any kind of “stuff.” Susan runs after her with the info about the line-up change, and Helen tells her there’s a “place in hell for people like her.” Uh oh. I sense some confusion here! Helen slaps her, and Susan stumbles backwards… confused. Susan screams that this “is for charity!”, but it doesn’t matter -- John's mother is on a rampage! She reaches down and tears the entire bottom half of Susan’s dress off, rendering her into a $2 hooker. And before she can protest, she is pulled onto the runway, looking like a complete wreck. Everyone is shocked. The camera pans down and we see that one of her heels has broken off, leaving her with one heeled shoe, and one tiny little elf shoe with the end curled up. Susan runs off the stage embarrassed, to Edie’s delight.

Susan orders Gabrielle to tell Helen the truth about the affair, before the whole town thinks that she is sleeping with an underage hardbody. Gaby says she can’t because Carlos will divorce her. Susan calls her “weak” and leaves.

Lynette arrives at the house where Claire works to try to nab her away. Claire protests, but Lynette promises to treat her well, and give her a raise and overtime to boot. They reach an agreement. Lynette runs to her car waiving her arms up in victory. She has a nanny! Yay! But it’s not Fran Drescher. Boo.

Julie gives Zack some funds for him to run away with. He says he has a messed up life, but that he can’t get into the details. She retrieves the famous yellow “Dana blanket” and tells him that she knows something about it. Doogie runs his hands over the blanket and quietly weeps.

Bree asks her daughter Danielle where Andrew keeps his pot stash. We then see her break into his locker at school, where she finds a small baggie with a solid amount of weed tucked into his socks. She takes it, thinks twice, and tucks it back in his hiding place. The voiceover tells us that sometimes “betrayal is good for the soul.”

We’re back to Doogie and Julie. He spills the dirt. When he was 4, he overheard a parental argument involving both his name and Dana’s. He went downstairs to find his parents cleaning up Dana’s blood. He had all but forgotten about the incident until after his Mom’s suicide, when he started having dreams. He can’t see Dana in them, but he sees the blood and his Mom putting him to bed whispering “It’s not your fault.” Then he drops the bomb, Shock and Awe style: He killed his baby sister. Julie is shocked. They… hug. Hmm, that’s weird. The hug. Then they look at each other. And he plants one right on her mouth! A kiss! Here is where the camera should zoom in and out really fast while the words “INAPPROPRIATE MOMENT!” flash across the bottom of the screen. Sadly, that only happens in my mind.

Gabrielle approaches Helen in front of her house. Helen apologizes for not doing the show because of something personal with Susan Mayer. Gabrielle confesses that it is she who is sleeping with John, and apologizes. Helen asks how for long, and Gaby says for almost a year. Helen confirms that Gaby must have had sex with John when he was only 16, but Gaby says it’s OK, because now “it’s over.” C’mon, Gaby, you can do better than that! Helen tells her that “it’s not even close to being over.” My fingers hurt from the amount of snap on that one.

Andrew gets busted by the swim coach for the locker pot. A bell rings on his swimming career. Bree, arranging flowers at home, picks up the phone to “learn” of the find. She expresses faux-shock, hangs up, and calmly continues arranging her flowers. Best TV mom ever? I think, maybe, yes.

Confusing plot twist time. We see an older man named Mr. Linder in a woodcutting shop sanding down some pine -- the first time we see any sort of non-sexual grinding on this show. The voiceover tells us that elsewhere, there are “darker secrets.” The authorities arrive to take Mr. Linder in for questioning.

Paul confronts Julie about his son’s letters, when Susan, unaware of Doogie’s whereabouts (i.e. her house) arrives. Paul wants to see those letters, but Julie refuses to give them up. Susan makes Paul leave her house empty-handed.

The woodcutting Mr. Linder sits in a police station sorting through pictures of a popular style of chest he used to sell ten years back. Turns out, police pulled one of those chests out of a lake and discovered the remains of an adult female inside, whose body had been chopped up to fit. An adult body? Up until this point, we were under the impression that Paul had buried a baby in that box. That Paul -- he's a crack-up! The camera then pans across pictures of skeletal remains, most notably a skull with a large hole on the top.

Andrew tells his Dad he was set up, and that he was holding the pot for a friend. Rex tells him he’s not only a bad person, he’s also a bad liar. And no son of Rex’s is gonna be a bad liar! I think he’s still pretty angry about the piss throwing incident. Bree, arranging the dinner table, looks on repulsed by her own flesh and blood.

Gabrielle, meanwhile, sits in fear that Helen will call the police, or worse, her husband, and reveal her extra-marital secret. She approaches Carlos to spill the teen beans, but wimps out and says she’s going to bed. Just then, the police show up. Hearts sink. She panics. She runs to Carlos and apologizes, on her knees, telling her she loves him. The police come in and -- what the hell! -- arrest Carlos! He tells Gabrielle to call their lawyer, and that he is innocent and was set up by some mysterious figure named Tenaka. The police drive away, Carlos in tow, leaving Gaby shocked and confused.

Mary Alice tells us that people are “complicated.” They can be charitable, and yet completely untrustworthy. We see Carlos in jail. Andrew slams the door in his poor Mother’s face. I restrain myself from slapping my TV. Zack is asleep on Julie’s floor, as she looks down lovingly at him. Aww, her first kiss. From a murderer. Or is he?

Susan joins Gabrielle on her porch and quietly comforts her. The camera pulls back while Gaby cries, ending what I’m going to say is the best episode of the season. But I say that each week, so what can you do?

Next week, Susan gets antsy and booty calls the all but forgotten Mike, Lynette gets a NannyCam®, Gabrielle becomes poor, and Bree continues kicking ass, accusing Rex of sleeping with someone else. Hello, Bree! You are so much better than that! Can’t wait to see her figure that out for herself.

Lying Liars and the People Who Vote for Them

Survivor: Vanuatu sort of picked itself up towards the end of this season. By the time we had reached last night's season finale, Mark Burnett was actually able to string together several enjoyable episodes back-to-back. There was even some suspense as to who would be left in the final, and who was going to be the overall winner. I was ready to sit back and enjoy a couple of hours of programming, but was stupid and didn't fast forward through the into to this episode. The producers tried to recap the entire season full of tribal councils, but in doing so made it quite obvious who was going to end up in the running for first and second place. Just in case there were a few million people out there that were watching the finale but didn't tune into the rest of the show, CBS wanted to make sure they were all caught up, and quickly revealed the two people about to battle for the win.

There may be a few people out there that didn't watch the finale, so I will try and refrain from being too obvious. Julie was shown the door in the last episode, in a betrayal that was easy for all of us to see, but took a lot of people by surprise, including Eliza. Eliza couldn't believe that Chris was just able to lie to Julie like that, but still maintained that Chris was the only person that she trusted. She should have been happy that she had lasted as long as she did. Her deal was to make the final four, and she did. The rest was going to be up to her.

Things got really heated at camp. Julie thought a lot of Chris, but apparently Chris didn't think as highly of her as we were led to believe. When asked about his decision, he said that Julie had it coming ever since she broke with Lopevi, and he got her back. Twila and Eliza went at it once again. Why is Eliza such a whiny bitch all of the time? She started up an argument about the lack of respect people show her, which basically meant Twila. For her part, Twila countered with one of the more truthful statements of the year, in that Eliza has only stuck around because people used her until they didn't need her any longer. Eliza countered that just because Twila worked hard doesn't mean she deserves to be around. You see, Twila's strategy was to save herself for the challenges. Brilliant strategy Eliza! You have won, uhhhh, uhhhh, one immunity! Great way to keep yourself in the game.

Normally, Eliza would simply take a thing like that and talk about it for a little while, and then do her little grimace/head nod/eye twitch thing that she ALWAYS does when she is talking. I am not sure why it bugs me so much, but it would probably bug me more if I wasn't so distracted by her boobs all the time. Anyway, when asked to give her version of events to the camera, Eliza called Twila a dumb bitch, and then went over to Chris to make sure that everything was cool. "Ye of little faith", said Chris. You see, Chris had built a friendship with Julie, but lied to her face. Eliza had no such rapport with Chris, but he was going to be honest. She was sure of it. It's these types of incidents that makes me hope I am never in a position to have Eliza represent me in the court of law. Could you imagine if your defense lawyer was that gullible?

Eliza got another chance to prove to Twila how she wasn't riding coattails. During the last part all CBS reality shows, there must be an obligatory reference to riding coattails from one player to everybody else on the island. The last immunity was actually a very good one that allowed everybody to test just how they would stack up with everybody else. It was a vertical maze and inside there were ten items that contained letters. Collect all ten, then find the two words that those ten letters spell out, and you won yourself a shot at the final three.

As expected, Scout was out of the running almost from the start, but Chris, Twila, and Eliza raced through the maze up and down and through various spots to collect all of their pieces. Chris got all of his first, then Twila, with Eliza a little bit farther behind. Chris solved the puzzle first spelling out "FINAL THREE", and winning immunity.

At that tribal council, Eliza was clinging on to the hope that Chris would honor their alliance, she would tie with Twila for the number of votes, and then the stone tiebreaker would come into play. When Eliza was named the next person to be voted off, she simply stood in shock when she realized that (gasp!) Chris lied right to her face about being loyal with their plan. She picked up her stuff, gave a strange goodbye look, and that was that. I am not sure what kind of logic Eliza employed in her decision. Did she actually think that Chris was going to vote off Twila or Scout? They gave him the best chance at winning the endurance immunity.

Much has been said about how much Eliza liked to talk, and everybody was quite happy to see her go. That way, they could enjoy all of the added quiet around the camp. That is until they decided that the would be happier talking about how much quieter it was without Eliza than actually keeping quiet themselves.

The final immunity is always some sort of endurance challenge. Before that, they had to go through the obligatory "remembrance" part of the show, where the Survivors go past the names of all of the fallen and give a little bit of wisdom into the insight of each person. This is supposed to have some dramatic effect, but is pretty boring in the process. It's like reading those stupid holiday cards from the people who love to put those three page updates on what happened to their family during the year. Well, if any of my family is reading, I throw away those updates, just like I delete all of those stupid words of wisdom and joke of the day forwards that I get in my e-mail box. If I cared about either I would ask. And so I ask that Mark Burnett kill this part of the episode. If I want to be reminded of the people who lost, I will get the DVD.

This season added another embarrassing bit of show. I am not sure if Vanuatu made a deal with CBS about adding extra info about their islands in the show, but we had to watch as Scout, Twila, and Chris paid their last respects to the first chief of Vanuatu who was buried alive for trying to unite the islands. Because of all of the chicanery I am used to with these producers, I am fairly skeptical that they were actually at the grave of this first chief. I mean, how in the hell are any of us to know that it was his actual grave? It was just a slab of stone in the middle of some dirt. And are we really supposed to believe in those stupid monologues the final three gave at the end? When Scout started doing her what I presumed to be some sort of Native American prayer, did it mean anything more than the gibberish I was hearing? This isn't National Geographic or the Discovery channel, so why am I subject to this crap?

Since Scout hasn't been a factor except when she is sitting out of challenges, you knew it was going to be between Chris and Twila. Does anybody else remember the old days of the endurance challenges when they could go on for hours? What the hell happened? For this endurance, the Final Three had to strike the warrior pose with a bow and arrow with their feet on two posts. They pulled the arrow back as far as it would go. When that happened, it would drop a paper disc in place, so that if the person let go of the arrow too much, the arrow would puncture the paper, and that person would be eliminated.

Although we haven't heard much of it Twila and Chris apparently had a little bit of deal for the final two. If either of them won immunity, they promised to take the other. Normally, this would mean that the immunity challenge would be short-lived. That was not the case, as Chris heard Scout encouraging Twila, so he began to think that Twila had a plan of her own. Therefore, he was not going to go down easily, and he started to engage in some psychological tricks with Twila and Scout. Well, I think they were supposed to be tricks, but they didn't make sense. Chris started asking them about the deal as if he didn't have to take one of them with him. Twila wanted to win badly, but she eventually began slipping off the posts, and Chris won, assuring him of making no less than $100,000 from this show.

The lead up to the final tribal council was anticlimactic just like most of this season. Neither person campaigned their case to Chris, although Chris did try and figure out if Twila had lied to him and made a deal with Scout. Given a chance to screw Twila over and lie about any previous deals for the final two, Scout told the truth that Twila had no plan. Honorable yes, but it didn't make for very good television. In fact the final vote would not have been exciting at all if it wasn't for what happened right after Chris picked Twila to be his opponent for the jury. Chris went to give Scout a little goodbye peck on the cheek, but she intercepted his mouth with a full on lip-to-lip smooch. I was sort of mystified, sort of revolted, but had to replay it about a dozen times on the Tivo before I stopped laughing enough to go on. And don't e-mail me to tell me it was an accident. Scout went in for the kill and even opened her mouth a little bit before doing so. Maybe she was delirious from the heat and she thought she was kissing Annie. I hadn't laughed so hard since I learned that Julia Roberts named her twins Phinnaeus and Hazel. It was so great, I had to share a little clip for you:

Click to play (Quicktime required)

So, it has come down to the part of the show that we loved the best. The final two survivors versus their peers on the jury. It's the last chance for people bitter about losing to get their final words in for the camera, and get the last word on national TV. Eliza started it off the final interrogation by telling Chris and Twila that they were both deceptive lying bitches, but that Chris pretended to be her friend. She always expected Twila to be a deceptive lying bitch, which I guess was Eliza's attempt at a compliment. She then asked for each to give her an apology, which Twila refused to do, further enshrining her into the J-Unit Hall of Fame for her blunt responses all season to people asking what she had on her mind. Chris kissed Eliza's ass and told her what she wanted to hear, which was to be a theme throughout the rest of the questioning.

Julie basically said that her vote was for or against Chris, and asked him why he had made such a big deal about the brother/sister thing. I would make fun of Julie more for buying into his ploy, but even I am a little loathe to make fun of an adopted kid who felt betrayed by somebody calling her a little sister. For Chris, it came down to something very easy. He didn't play Julie, he just lied to her. Oh that makes it MUCH BETTER! I am going to try that in a bar someday. "I wasn't hitting on your girlfriend, I was just giving her compliments." or maybe "I didn't mean to punch you, I just hit you with a closed fist". Chris kept the on with the brown nosing, and it seemed to work for him.

Most of the rest of the questions fell under some variation of the theme on how Twila is a liar, she swore on her son's life, and why she should or shouldn't be crucified for that statement for the rest of her life. Leann, Ami, and Sarge all said similar things questioning Twila's integrity. Ami seemed to get over what Twila did to her and complimented her on how she played the game. I think Sarge may have had something interesting to say, but I was mesmerized by his shirt. I wonder if he made it himself, because there is surely nobody out there that would be dumb enough to try and sell it in stores. Whatever he did say, it nearly brought Twila to tears talking about it in her final statement. Chad posed a question like all teachers would, asking what each person learned, to which Chris kissed a little more behind. Scout, who gave me the high comedy moment of the year just moments earlier, continued to raise my opinion of her (not difficult, I admit) simply said that Chris was full of bullshit.

The Survivors cast their votes, and we were treated to what has become another beloved tradition the Jeff Probst mission journey away from the remote location and back to civilization. Now, I have got to believe that the producers have a lot of fun with this segment, because if they are taking this bit seriously, the person in charge of the segment needs to be fired. After collecting the votes, Jeff started hacking his way through the rain forest. I thought that they would suddenly show him hacking his was through a jungle on the set in Hollywood (sniff, we didn't get into the party, if you haven't guessed). Well, I was wrong, because suddenly it was day time. Jeff spent all night hacking through the rainforest, but got on his plane and headed for California.

Seeing how high the ratings were for The Amazing Race, the Survivor producers decided to do a little bit of the plane trails over the map of the earth. It turned out to look more like a rip-off an Indiana Jones movie, because we were supposed to believe that Jeff was able to fly thousands of miles in a propeller plane with a range of about 500 miles. CBS got back to "borrowing" from the Amazing Race when Jeff didn't just land the plane at LAX like any normal host. No, he did a sky dive back to earth, with the vote container firmly strapped in the back. But no, the hilarity gets better from there. There was no helicopter to meet him, but a lone motorcycle, to which he strapped the votes and drove for the CBS lot. Next year, I hope they don't even pretend to make it look real. Wouldn't it be more exciting if they did some sort of Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow sort of thing with Probst flying the things in? Perhaps blue-screen him into the back of the airplane as Jude Law flies it all around the world? Now that's great TV.

The votes were read, and Chris' plan to kiss ass and give people what they want to hear turned out to be the winning strategy. Only Ami and Scout voted for Twila, and it became clear quite quickly that while everybody chastised Twila for lying to their faces, they rather vote for Chris who lied to their faces in the game, then lied to their faces with his explanation as to what was going on. Chris was quite happy to win, and embraced his family. I am not sure if they are selling Chris ponytails on the street, but somebody in his posse tried their best to look like they had. Not all was sad for Twila, she won $100,000, and the mullet is back. It had been in hiding since her French braid episode, but it was back in full force. A whole lot of business in the front my friends, and one slammin' party in the back.

I might write more on the reunion show, but I can sum it up in a few sentences. Jeff Probst only cared about finding out what people thought about Twila swearing on her son, and pointing out that Chris lied more than anybody else in the game, but all of these people offended by lying gave him the win. And no, Scout didn't try to kiss anybody else, which means I might be able to try solid foods again when I wake up in the morning.

Chris Works Both Sides While Eliza Burns Yet Another Bridge

While TVgasm is trying to secure some seats for this weekends live finale of Survivor: Vanuatu, our Survivors were still on the island, rapidly pissing each other off in the waning days of their seclusion. Although the alliance of Chris, Scout, Twila, and Eliza had worked well for two weeks, it was really the classic marriage of convenience. Twila and Scout had never voted for Eliza, but that doesn't mean they weren't annoyed by her continue presence. Likewise, Eliza knew that Julie and Chris were the only ones left in camp that had actually voted for her at a tribal council, but they ended up being the two people Eliza trusted most in the game.

Twila has been getting a testier every week, and the game really changed when she and Chris orchestrated Leann's removal. Since that moment, she has been getting progressively more difficult to live with, but not especially so until you mention her son. Twila swore on her son that she was still with the Ami game plan. Now even though Ami didn't believe Twila's promise, she constantly reminded Twila that she broke that promise from the time Leann left right through the time Ami was voted out. You would assume that would have been the end of things, but Eliza, whose constant talking has been her greatest throughout her stay, decided to pick up where Ami left off and remind Twila what she had done.

Eliza has done well in this game, she hasn't really been a power player, but she has made it through many tribal councils without getting voted off, which is all you can really do. She has also been one of the most easily manipulated players in the entire game, and has switched sides many times. Even though Ami wasn't able to convince Eliza to vote out Scout, she did convince Eliza that she was her best friend in the game, and has always looked out for her. So, Eliza had to carry on Ami's legacy, which in the final days was pissing off Twila. The problem is that Twila doesn't take a lot of shit, so she completely flipped out when everybody got back from tribal council. And I'm not talking about some little Howard Dean flipout, I am talking full on hellfire and brimstone Al Sharpton style flipout.

There was at least a small chance that Eliza would have stuck with her four person plan, but when Twila started going off the deep end, Eliza started rethinking things. Twila's episode was also the perfect opening for Julie to get herself back in the game. It wasn't that difficult at all for her to get Eliza on board, but Eliza wasn't going to do anything unless Julie was able to secure Chris's vote. Eliza also said she wasn't going to do any campaigning on her behalf. Chris and Julie always had a nice rapport, all she needed was some time alone with Chris away from Scout and Twila. If only there was a reward challenge that she could win and take Chris along with her. There is? Oh, Survivor, you are so very convenient.

Our very timely reward challenge is another staple of the Survivor world. Towards the end of the season, you always have to have some sort of "Greatest Hits" challenge. It was a successive series of events, and one survivor would be eliminated after each leg.The producers must have been counting on Ami to make it this far, because Eliza and Julie were lathered up pretty well after the first two events, which was the famous mud crawl from the first episode and the pig chase, also in the mud. Scout was eliminated in the first challenge, and Eliza proved that she still hasn't mastered the art of grabbing a muddy pig. And what is it with Eliza? She is now about 95 pounds it seems, but her boobs aren't getting any smaller. Sure she is young, and they should be firm, but they may be a little too well-shaped and perky. I smell implants.

The next challenge was our Ikea portion of the show, with Chris, Twila, and Julie racing to untie a tiki puzzle and put it back together again. Chris has played himself into perhaps the best position of anybody left on the show, but damn was he a dumbass today. He quickly put his puzzle together, but there was something wrong, and he couldn't figure out what it was. After Twila and Julie finished, Jeff made it a point to point out to Chris that he failed to notice he was missing a piece, and it was only feet away. Mark Burnett LOVES the missing puzzle piece in the background close-up shot even more than he loves the teams are only a few steps apart wide angle.

That left only Julie and Twila for the final step, which had them climb a ladder, cross a balance beam (which was about twice the width of any balance been used up until that point) and then shoot a few ceramic plates, which leads to the inevitable bucket of fire that rises and declares the winner. Julie ended up beating Twila, who hurt her ankle coming down from the balance beam. Whoa, that means that Julie has a chance to take Chris to wherever their reward challenge is and have a little quality time with him. The conspiracy theory in me says that it was just a little too convenient, but the evidence on screen tells me something else. Julie knew exactly where she was in the game, she had to win, and cam through in the clutch.

Julie of course picked Chris, and the two were whisked away to a....volcano! But this isn't any dormant volcano like Julie and Leann were frolicking around, this volcano was very active. I wonder if the Vanuatu islands are known for their volcanos, CBS hasn't been hitting that point home enough. Chris and Julie, along with their guide, used some horses to climb up Mount Yasur and were continually commenting at how beautiful and barren the terrain was, and how special the trip was because they would never get a chance to be so close to an active volcano. Uhh, Chris, there are volcanos on every single continent of the planet, although I can't be sure of Antarctica. Africa? Try Kilimanjaro. Europe? Try Vesuvius. And if you don't want to experience so much jet lag, try Mt. Saint Helens right in the in the good old US of A.

The meal consisted of beer and hot dogs, which were cooked using the steam vents inside the volcano itself. I was wondering if the hot dogs were made with corn or tofu or something, because they had this old pasty color. But the food didn't really matter. First, it doesn't look like that many people are starving, and second, Julie really wanted the chance to scheme with Chris. She ran her idea about the voting out Twila past Chris, and he seemed intent on at least hearing her through her proposal. As I said before, Chris has been non committal, but has positioned himself in a perfect place to take the game in the direction that he sees is best. With the plan out in the open, the two were able to enjoy their time watching the lava as some of it billlowed from the side o the mountaing. The camera angle made it look like they were close up, but considering all of the heat and fumes would probably end up killing the. Bside also noticed that the magma seemed immune to the CBS night shot filter. Verdict, more camera trickery than anything else.

Chris and Julie returned to camp nice and rested, and whatever pretense we had about Eliza sticking with her old alliance of the day was further stomped into the ground. Giving up over twenty years of age to Twila and Scout, they pretty much just made fun of her, and started a banana scandal that was the craziest thing this side of the Kel beef jerky episode. Twila hid some bananas in the ground, and Eliza wanted some. Eliza wanted to know where they were, but Twila said she was waiting for them to get ripe. She then said that if Eliza wasn't quiet, she would let the bananas rot in the ground. A very mature display, but one well worth the price of seeing Eliza throw a fit.

Right away Chris hugged Twila and told her everything was solid as a rock. Reality contestants have now gone on to use solid and rock solid whenever they choose to show that a plan is going well. This will eventually progress until people are saying things are rock steady, and solid gold. It's some sort of lingo that I guess us civilians will never understand. Eliza went to Chris and then Twila went to Chris, and each time he saw a woman, he told them that he is 100% behind their plan, but with the immunity challenge still up in the air, who knows what is going to happen.

The immunity challenge was quite boring. Jeff read a story about an ancient Vanuatu chief and how he got buried alive with some of his closest friends and their wives. The challenge involved running around to several huts, completing a puzzle that would give them a question about Jeff's little tale, and they had to answer that question. If they got the question correct, they got a tusk to put on a necklace. The first person with to go to the various huts and come back with five tusks was the winner. All this running around meant that Scout was out of the running and all of the reading meant Twila wouldn't come out on top. With the way Chris was talking, everybody needed immunity, and Chris knew that the girls could be playing him, so he was working hard as well. Eliza ended up winning, and was given a little assist by Twila. As Julie went to answer her last question, Twila was coming out of the hut. Twila remembered that she hadn't put the puzzle back, so she went back scrambled the pieces. That time delay was enough to ensure Eliza an easy victory.

Now we know that Eliza wasn't going to go home, and that it was going to come down to who Chris thought should go. While he was talking to Julie, he said it was a matter of which friendship in the game was the strongest. Chris told Julie that they have always been closer than he was with Twila and it was no question. To make things more interesting, he continued to tell both sides that there was no chance he was going to vote for the other. Although Chris told Julie that his relationship with her was more important, it was essentially Twila that put him in the position of where he is. When it comes down to it, saving Twila gives him the best chance of making it to the final two, because on the last day, it is much easier to go up against Scout and Twila in the endurance challenge than it is to go up against Julie and Eliza.

At tribal council, Chris voted to send Julie home. Eliza was shocked at the outcome, and now knows her days are numbered unless she continues to win immunity. Julie played well, but she was never able to get in a leadership position towards the end. Still, we hope to see her around Los Angeles. I'd like to see some of her tattoos.

Maria Boren: Domo Arigato, Mrs. Roboto

Click on Maria to play (Quicktime required)

In honor of The Apprentice 2 wrapping up next week, I decided to put together this little montage of Maria Boren during her final blazing episode. Note her robotic movements, her spastic blinking, and her manic hands which flap and gesticulate so violently you'd think she'd need a license to operate them. Most impressive, however, is Maria's keen way of balancing between passive aggression and full out hostility. Repressed rage never looked so manicured.

Truthfully, I'd never want to get on this woman's bad side, which is exactly what I'm doing every time I post about her. Oh Maria, we'll always love you. Here's to hoping you'll be on Apprentice All Stars four years from now!

Trump Instigates Girl on Girl Action

Well, we're down to the final two. After months of spats and firings and stripteases, Donald Trump & Co. have whittled down the group of prospective Apprentice winners to two candidates: Kelly and Jenn. This was only a semi surprise since Kelly's been the odds on favorite to win since mid October (I pulled that timeframe out of my ass, by the way). As for Jenn? Well... she's pretty. Okay, to Jenn's credit, she has a very accomplished resume and an excellent education, but I mean really. She's going up against Kelly. The Kellster. Kellyrama. There's no way she can beat that juggernaut. The only way she could possibly sabotage Kelly would be if she had someone call the loft phone every five minutes. He'd drop anything to pick up that phone, even the final challenge. Commence finger tenting... right.... now.

We should have known Jenn was headed for big things at the outset of the episode as she and Sandy prepared some meal. The two of them were positively giddy, especially when Sandy suggested pulling a menu off the internet. "YEAH!!!" chirped Jenn, who acted as if she had just been invited to be the CEO of Candyland.

Unfortunately, she must have pulled a crappy menu off of FoodTV.com because the mood was considerably more somber after the meal. Sandy and Kelly badmouthed Jenn in the living room, but either they were using their outdoor voices or Jenn has super hero hearing because our flaxen lawyer inserted herself into the conversation with one of my favorite reality lines: "I can hear what you're saying." That was too bad. Jenn being in the Jenn-bashing conversation really made it hard to continue with the Jenn-bashing.

Since the awkward confrontation apparently didn't lead anywhere, the producers were left with nothing else to do but cut to the moon. And when the moon refused to get into an argument with Jenn, the producers cut to a floor buffer and an escalator repairman. Just when the B-Roll threatened to head into an even more mundane task (I feared we'd be getting a direct feed from a mattress warehouse next), we returned to the loft where Kelly answered Rhona's morning call AGAIN (note my weak joke in the opening paragraph). Coming in second place was Kevin who awkwardly stood behind Kelly before slowly ambling off into the recesses of the apartment.

The group all travelled up to The Donald's corner office where they put on their best informercial smiles. As Trump extolled the virtues of a corner office, Kelly nodded his head as if to say "Why yes, I DO need a better omelette pan!" With his supplicants eagerly slurping up any pearls of wisdom he may have, Donald continued to babble about wealth and power and yada yada yada. "If you do well in life," he started one line. Are they not doing well? Does this mean that after Wharton and Law School Kevin's going to wind up at a shelter?

Speaking of Kevin, did anyone else have the uncontrollable desire to lend him a handkerchief? Not because he was sweating. But because he had some dollop of something at the corner of his mouth. To the naked eye, it appeared to be the cream cheese relic of a too-hastily consumed bagel, but we'll also accept rogue bead of sweat or errant glitter.

Around this time, a small critter which NBC labeled the "Trump Bobblehead" appeared at the bottom of the screen, and for the thirty or sixty seconds that it stayed there, I was completely transfixed by its bobbling head. In fact, I know CNBC is really struggling. I say just throw the Trump Bobblehead on there for about 18 hours a day. I know I'd watch. They can even put him behind a desk to make it look like a talk show. I'd be fine with that.

After the bobblehead disappeared, we learned that the final four would be interviewed by four CEOs or Presidents: Alan Jope (Unilever), Dawn Hudson (Pepsi), Ace Greenberg (Bear Sterns), and Bob Kraft (New England Patriots). Then, all four executives would report back to Trump. Suddenly those informercial faces were gone. It was like the studio audience just saw Ron Popeil get impaled on his Showtime Rotisserie — Just Set It and Forget It!

I won't get into the nitty gritty of the interviews except that Ace Greenberg seemed really tough. Honestly, this was the hardest challenge yet. Heck, even I was stressed after the interviews were over.

Eventually, the executives all made their way back to Trump's boardroom where Bob Kraft was fired. Oh no, wait. I meant he was asked about the candidates. Kelly of course received high grades. Everyone else? Ehh... not so much. Kevin — well educated, but has he been avoiding the real world? Jenn — does she have the grit to take on Trump? Sandy — did you see the smackdown she had on Andy two weeks ago?

As Trump and executives gabbed about the kids, the group packed up and headed down to the boardroom. NBC cut back and forth between the meeting and the encroaching applicants, and with the music building, it was as if they wanted us to think the candidates would come bursting into the boardroom and gun down everyone inside. Frankly, I'm surprised Robin didn't press some Code Red button to alert everyone to flee the boardroom at once and find safe haven in Denise Rich's Hampton estate.

Eventually the executives were done with their evaluations, and as they headed out, Bob Kraft turned back and gave a little thumbs up to Trump, almost as if to say "Did you see Dawn Hudson from Pepsi? I think she likes me!"

Next up in the boardroom were Kelly, Sandy, Jenn and Kevin. Trump lavished praise on Kelly, but then came down harshly on my man Kevin. While he praised Kevin's education ("He's the most educated person I've ever seen," he declared, making me wonder if Trump has ever mingled with doctors before), he ultimately had reservations about his real world experience. The most exciting part about all this was not hearing Kevin's answers, but watching the sweat slowly creep to the surface. Would this be a Levi's Jeans torrential downpour, or maybe just a gentle slick? Well, before the perspiration could become too glaringly apparently, Trump fired him, but not without praising him out of the room. Later, Kevin took the confessional cab home, and while I'm sure what he said was very nice, I was distracted by his giant trench coat which seemed ready to swallow him whole.

And that concluded the civilized portion of the program.

Up next: Jenn versus Sandy, round two. Some of you may remember the first time these two got into it in the boardroom (it was all of two weeks ago). Sandy won the first time around with her attack dog approach that seemed to come out of left field. This time around, Jenn was prepared as she summarily whooped Sandy's ass. As Jenn was fond of saying, she had the intellectual horsepower and man did she prove it. Jenn stunned Sandy into silence as she rattled off stats and bona fide arguments as to why she should be hired. That's not to say Jenn was immune from a little smackdown herself. When she started to answer a question directed towards Kelly, the military man responded "He said Kelly, not Jenn." This led Trump to stop everything and say "Kelly's pretty tough." Trump then said "Say that again Kelly; that was awesome. Now again. Keep saying it over and over. Yeah, that's the stuff."

Meanwhile, the girls continued to go at it. "I don't want to insult you," said Jenn as she proceeded to insult Sandy by inferring that she was stupid. Unfortunately, Sandy had not much to say except that starting her business was a very risky move. Hey, you want to talk about risk? "I moved across the country to San Francisco," countered Jenn. Is that really risky? I mean, did she take a covered wagon or something? Did a member of her party get bitten by a snake and then contract dysentery? Did she try to ford a river instead of taking the Indian ferry? Wow, that IS risky!

Eventually Sandy was outclassed by Jenn when it mattered most, and The Donald had to let her loose. She had a good run. I must admit, at first I was not that impressed with Sandy, but as time went on, I grew to like her a lot. That's all I had to say. Nothing snarky.

Later on in the apartment with the two finalists set, Kelly summed up his competition succinctly: "Jenn sucks." Well that wasn't very nice. Jenn didn't have anything pleasant to say about Kelly either, but her wording was long and forgettable (READ: I forgot to write it down), so I shan't reprint it. After a tense evening of sizing each other up, the two finally went to sleep, and we were afforded the luxury of seeing Kelly in the near-buff lying out on his bed. Well that was savory.

The next day, Jenn and Kelly headed back down to the boardroom where the normally mousy Robin greeted them with a chipper "Hi!" I don't know what caused the perkiness, but I suspect she was about to sell chocolates for her church. Anyway, Jenn and Kelly met with Trump again and learned their final tasks. Jenn was to coordinate a charity basketball game while Kelly would organize a charity polo match. Both events would be sponsored by up and coming firm Genworth.

Trump then introduced the former candidates who would serve as peons to the final two: Chris, Pam, Stacy, John, Elizabeth, and Raj. I wouldn't call them the most talented applicant pool, but at least they're... uh... not murderers?

Kelly picked a team of John, Elizabeth, and Raj and then headed up to Greenwich, CT to tackle the polo fields. His dedication to his workforce was fairly impressive as he said "Love you guys" while handing over his phone number. Unfortunately, Kelly then spent the next half an hour doodling "Kelly Loves His Team" with various hearts and stars.

Upon arrival in Connecticut, Elizabeth shook Kelly's hand and relayed her excitement about finally working for him. "I sensed some respect from Elizabeth," Kelly said. Uh, well she just shook your hand and basically kissed your ass. Kelly then noted that he sensed she was a woman and that she was of the humanoid species.

After delegating duties to everyone, Kelly then sat with his laptop and made a spreadsheet for seemingly every little task. Want to order lunch? Kelly's got a spreadsheet. Want to go to the bathroom? Kelly's got a spreadsheet. Want to make a spreadsheet? Kelly's got a spreadsheet about that too. Unfortunately, while Kelly made sweet love to his spreadsheets, his staff decided to race across the polo field. We never got to see who won, but I'm going to put my money on John. It was nice that they had such beautiful weather to run around in because the next day the rain poured down (which was not very convenient when it came time to painting Genworth's corporate logo on the field). Unconvinced by the falling water from the sky, Kelly asked his group "Is that actual rain noise?" No Kelly. It's a bassoon quartet.

Meanwhile, Jenn's dysfunctional team of Pamela, Chris and Stacy reeked of basketball. The four of them were so street, we just knew they'd be able to pull of this challenge. As Pamela waltzed by the court in her satin napkin of a blouse, I think we all thought the same thing: future Lakers Girl! The good news for Jenn was that basketball star Chris Webber was slated to emcee the event, and as we learned from Kwame's dealings with Jessica Simpson, celebrities NEVER cause headaches! More on that later...

For now, the biggest headache for Jenn's team was a lack of a dolly. An amusing montage featured Chris cramming dozens of boxes into an elevator with about all the finesse of Anna Nicole Smith performing brain surgery. Needless to say, many of the boxes did not survive the ride. The most entertaining part of all this however was George who appeared out of nowhere to ask "You schlepping?" Man, this guy knows how to deliver his Yiddish! Oh, and by the way, Chris informed us that he was in fact schlepping.

Jenn meanwhile met with the foxy ladies of Genworth who were less than impressed with just about everything. Yes, those two hot tamales were not going to have their name besmirched by a poorly run basketball tournament. I mean, they might as well have their brand flashed all over a reality show or something. Oh wait...

Eventually disaster finally hit Jenn. With only a few hours to go before the tournament kicked off, Jenn learned that Chris Webber would be bailing on his emceeing duties. By George! Chris Webber, the temperamental basketball diva actually backed out of an engagement?!?! Well, I would never have seen that coming! Pamela meanwhile still had no idea who he even was. When she asked Chris for a description, he replied "Tall black guy." Believe it or not, this really helped a lot since Pamela had been visualizing a short white girl. Pamela then turned to Stacy and said "So you're not Chris Webber are you?" To which Stacy said "No."

The episode ended with a lovely dual cliffhanger: would the polo fields be dry enough for Kelly's match? Would Jenn be able to harangue Chris Webber into keeping his obligation? Would we ever be able to erase the image of Trump running with the Olympic torch? We'll find out next week with the three hour (gulp) finale.

Consider This Your Invitation to Waste More Time on TVgasm

The most requested feature from the readers of TVgasm has been for us to implement some sort of forums system so people could discuss all sorts of subjects in a way that goes beyond the comments. We love our readers, so we now have our software running at http://forums.tvgasm.com. We've added a "Forums" link to the top, and while they are a little sparse right now as we get started, we encourage people to sign-up(registration required), browse around, and add a new discussion or contribute to a discussion already taking place. The layout might change a little bit, and it may look a little strange in some older versions of Internet Explorer or Netscape. If you have any problems with the forums, or have a suggestion for new categories or forums to add, or features we should implement, send me an e-mail.

Wanna Get to Know You

Although TVgasm pulled out a pretty big spoiler about future plot lines in The OC, there is still some television to get through before we get there. We broke the news about Mischa Barton's future love interest in part because we needed something from this season to be worthy of some gab. Sorry Josh Schwartz, episodes 1-4 of this second season simply did not pass the test. Through the first month of the show, we were basically stuck in a quagmire of last year's relationships with the kids combined with some sort of Ally McBeal/LA Law hybrid with the adults. It all added up to a massive festival of suck. When was The OC going to stop with the bullshit and just go back to being The OC again? It might of happened this week.

For those of you who have read what I have to say about The OC, you know that I have a serious problem with the idea that Seth's parents haven't bought him a car yet. Sandy and Kirtsen roll in a 7 Series BMW and Range Rover, yet couldn't scrounge up enough money to get seth his own car? Don't they watch Laguna Beach? Seth seems made to drive a Mini Cooper, although some would say his effeminate tendencies would have him more likely rolling in a Miata or something. Anyway, suspend disbelief for a second, and we come to Ryan and Seth coming to school and skateboard and moutain bike. I guess this is a new era for The OC; they already have an episode that doesn't start in the Cohen's kitchen with Sandy talking about bagels.

Seth and Ryan are talking about how great their new love lives are going to be. Ryan is so happy do be dating the smartest girl in school, who also doesn't have a huge drinking problem. If there is one thing Ryan has carried over from last season is his self-righteousness, so wholesome Lindsay is just perfect for him. And how about Ryan's hair? Is there casting going on for some new Peter Jackson movie I am not aware of? Because it looks like the boy just got back from the set, and forgot to get rid of his hobbit mullet. Alex is perfect for Seth because, ummm, uhhh, well I'll get back to you on that. Seth was really just at the concert because he was trying to show Summer how well he had moved on. He got lucky when his boss decided to buy him ice cream, and kissed him, maybe just to shut him up. Luckily for him, Summer and Marissa show up, giving the perfect opportunity to start gloating.

Finally, the producers remember that high school kids are more likely going to stupid high school dances than seeing indie bands perform at the local 18 and over club. The event in question is the winterball, named "Welcome to the SnoC". Can't they have a homecoming game or Sadie Hawkins dance or something? Marissa is in charge of the dance(and her parents are chaperones), so of course everybody has to go. The rest of the conversation was Seth and Summer trying to show how much better they were than the other, which of course pisses off Zach. God, why doesn't Zach just punch Seth one of these days? Seth's a huge pussy and would totally back off, which means that Zach must be an even bigger pussy for not giving it a try. Summer's main put down was that Seth's date pulled a Houdini on him, ie disappeared. A couple of points to note. First, I thought it was the guy who pulled the Houdini on the girl. Secondly, at least he didn't get the donkey punch. That would have been really embarrassing.

Ryan is all excited to tell his new found love all about how he wants to get more serious. The problem is that she doesn't want to get serious. See, she thought about it over the weekend(just like Ryan had feared earlier in the episode) and decided that it would be too awkward if they broke up being lab partners and all. No, it's awkward breaking up when you get another girl pregnant, or your boyfriend is humping you mom. Still, since awkward breakups kind of required people to be going out in the first place, you might argue Lindsay was getting a little too far ahead of herself. Cut to Ryan looking dejected, and all of the audience shock that the producers actually threw a decent twist into the show.

Last time, Marissa and DJ had just about made up. There are no relationship problems that can't be cured by a night alone in a lifeguard shack. I think Marissa was happy that she wouldn't have to drive her drunk ass home another night. We have already established that DJ is the oldest, richest, most fluent English speaker of any yard guy ever found in Southern California. You can also add that DJ is the only gardener who passes up a $3 burrito from the local taco wagon in order to pick up his high society girlfriend. (Speaking of high society, how come nobody in this town seems to smoke pot? What kind of high school is this?) OK, so if I was dating Marissa Cooper and she liked to bang out for a little nooner now and then, I would also interrupt my day to pick her up, even if it means I miss the Buffy reruns.

DJ is also the only person I know who is actually interested in going to the high school prom after his high school years have passed. It would take two Marissa Coopers in my bed to get me to do that, maybe three considering how bony her ass is. Marissa actually doesn't want DJ to come, mainly because she is embarrassed. That is the least of her problems though, as her mom walks in and finds the two post-coital. Julie is incensed, ground Marissa, and then fires DJ. Marissa's house must be really big, because she obviously can't keep track of all her staff, considering how DJ quit a few weeks earlier.

If you think Ryan had a problem with his girl, Seth has a little bit of a problem as well. He goes to work, hoping that his little smooch would lead to a lot of hot broom closet one-on-one with his boss. I guess when they kissed, she didn't exactly feel the earth move, because she was more than over what Seth had to offer. She even laughed at how Seth's little immature mind believed that a kiss meant something more than they kissed. Alex kisses the beer guy and then some random girl(which wasn't the anticipated lesbian coupling, but we'll take it nonetheless while we wait for the main course) just to prove her point about how little it meant to her. I think she was simply testing out her new and improved hairstyle, which is lightyears better than the old coif.

So, Seth has struck out with his date, Ryan has struck out with his date, and Marissa told her date to stay home, but pick her up later when she would be ready for some peach schnapps and some doggy style. But Zach and Summer are just perfect, right? Well, not exactly. Zach has been sitting idly by watching Summer and Seth go back and forth, but despite the visual evidence, he hasn't been totally convinced that Summer is done with her Cohen affliction. The last straw for him was when he saw the former couple having a good time chatting in the cafeteria. Ironically, Seth simply wanted some advice about how to deal with Alex, and she helped him out. Still, it was enough for him to back out on the SnoC dance by saying he had a family obligation just come up, which is second only to hearing "i have a headache, maybe later" when it comes to knowing your relationship is on the skids.

Now Marissa was still expecting most of her friends to go to the dance, so she convinced Ryan to go with her as friends. And how could he say no, he had just finished carrying this giant stuffed penguin from Marissa's car in preparation for the dance. While huge penguins are always an interesting prop, I was left wondering what kind of event needed the huge giant ice(crystal?) penis in the background, but whatever. Ryan agrees to go with Marissa, which is of course minutes before Lindsay comes around and tells Ryan that she actually wants to go. Although Ryan has given up getting into Marissa's pants, he still says no to Lindsay. I wish I was on this show, so I could kick Ryan's ass for passing up that opportunity. I do have to give props to the producers for finally showing the boys drive to work. Sandy is obviously not doing much during the day, so they take his Range Rover to school.

Armed with Summer's advice, Seth decides to see if it will work. Summer said that she was playing him hot and cold, to see how he would respond. He came on really hot, so now he should come off kind of cold to see her response. Seth did this, and it appeared to work. She was waiting for his witty banter to commence, so she could tell him to shut up, but it never happened. He went about his job like it was well, his job, and didn't try and grope his manager. The cold treatment seemed to work, but Seth ruined it by going a little too far with the playing it cold idea by quitting the Bait Shop. This probably means there won't bee too many more Indie bands showing up, which I of course applaud. Seth sort of wonders why his cold act doesn't work, but leaves the club anyway, wondering what in the hell just happened.

So, it looks like Ryan is the only one going to the dance from the Cohen house, and he looks sharp, just ask Sandy. Sandy loves the suit that Ryan brings out for EVERY SINGLE FORMAL EVENT IN THE HISTORY OF THE SHOW. Seth is going to be happy watching old kung fu movies. I know Adam Brody brought some of his indie band love to the show last year, and so I wonder if he brought his love of kung fu movies to the set as well. Well, his choice of movies kind of sucked. If you want something better than the shit Seth was watching, try Secret of the Water Technique or Shaolin Kung Fu and thank me later. Like all concerned parents, Kirsten and Sandy encourage Seth to go, first by saying he will have fun, and then by threatening to ruin his movie experience by sitting down and asking dumb questions. Ever since coming back from Portland, Seth has no will power and so bows to his parents pressure to go.

Sandy and Kirsten do have plans for the evening, well Sandy does. He is trying to get to the bottom of this Rachel Wheeler thing. He confronted Rachel earlier in the show, which could have meant doom for the trial and the California State Bar Association, but he did get some sort of idea that Rachel and Caleb had an affair, which would explain all the money Caleb has been funneling off. But 16 years of alimony, that must mean that this fair and striking red-headed lass must have a kid. Could it be? Well, Sandy confronts Caleb, and he confirms that an affair occurred, but he would never say anything because it would destroy his family. Urgent message for Caleb. One of your daughter's can't hold down a job for a month and is the planet's number one traveling floozy. Your other daughter hasn't come to terms with her drinking problem. And you married a woman and forced her daughter to live with you. What else is going to happen to your family? Wouldn't it be worse for your family if your company went under because you made your bimbo wife a CEO and you were in jail? With Sandy on the case, no mystery goes unsolved. When his career goes under, Peter Gallagher and his eyebrows have a date doing more Columbo movies for A&E.

When Ryan and Seth finally get to Marissa's house, they see that surprise! Summer is there, and she has no date. They all pile into the car, and it is just like old times again, except Marissa doesn't have a flask and Summer can't control her bangs. While the boys were dressed fairly conservatively, Marissa had on a dress that would have been used in "Thriller: The Wedding". Summer also looked bad, but Rachel Bilson is going to have to wear a trucker hat on the show before I complain about her look.

Fresh off of seeing Marissa with DJ, Julie Cooper is just happy to see her daughter with Ryan, who is now not the least desirable man that her daughter can be seen with. Seth and Summer just spend time trying not to piss each other off. High school dances seem great for this cast, because all of the awkwardness that they project on the camera looks absolutely natural in that sort of setting. Watching Marissa and Ryan dance was like watching a preying mantis eat her mate.

The show then progressed to resolving all of the split relationships that were going on, including that of Julie and Jimmy Cooper, who started sucking face like they were in high school, which I guess makes sense because they were in a high school, but they were married so it was bad. Ryan starts the ball rolling by starting to get self-righteous with Marissa about why she didn't invite DJ to be there. Are you embarrassed Marissa? Don't you really like him and want it to last (well we know how part of that ends out). To make it easier for DJ, Ryan gives Marissa his jacket and tie. Ahh, how sweet. DJ and Marissa get back together, despite the looks and stares people are giving the yard guy.

Zach, the sappy bastard that he is, heard a song on the radio that made him want to drive to the SnoC. This is a great idea, but Summer and Seth by this time have decided that they shouldn't ruin the evening for both of them, and so they start slow dancing themselves. As expected, Zach walks in on them, and sees them together. He is pissed off, which eventually leads to him driving to...the Bait Shop? Yes, apparently Zach is so distraught he has to get himself a chocolate soda. He strikes up a conversation with Alex, which leads to him talking about Summer. Alex, sensing Zach is having a hard time, tells him that he should fight for his girl, beat up whoever is in his way. After all "she can't fall for you if you're not there to catch her". The show LOVES the sage advice of high-school dropouts. Zach is not really too much of a fighter, but "I know I could take on Seth Cohen". Hearing Seth's name, Alex rushes out after him.

At the school, Seth and Summer are awkwardly on the bench, when Zach comes around and punches Seth in the face. Zach might of hurt his hand, but Seth is dropped to the ground. Luckily, Alex comes racing in to help, prying Seth away from Summer, although it looks like Summer was kind of upset when she showed up. Still, problem solved, Seth and Summer now have Alex and Ryan. It only took a bunch of people driving around Newport for several hours to figure it out.

What about Ryan? Well, he didn't just leave the clothes off his back with DJ because he had no balls. He wanted to make things right with Lindsay. She is so fair and has that striking red hair. To tell you the truth, she would be a dead ringer for Renée Wheeler. I wonder... Ryan knocks on Lindsay's door, and she is very surprised to see him; so surprised that she can't really speak except to tell him about the "Freudian slippers" on her feet. I would make fun of her for this type of thing, but I myself bought a t-shirt in college with an equally lame Freud joke that managed to make an even more lame PInk Floyd joke. Lindsay appreciates Ryan's gesture, but says she can't compete with the most "intimidatingly beautiful" girl in the school. If by intimidating she meant, her hip bones and shoulder blades can poke an eye out, I guess you can call Marissa intimidating. Alas, Ryan's good gesture is all for nought.

Or is it?

While relaxing in his pool house, Lindsay knocks on the door, and says she was all wrong and she wants to have a relationship. They kiss, and start working on something that needs BOTH hands - Playstation, of course. While I know nothing else that would kill the mood than suggesting to the girl who came over to your place that you want to play a video game (birth rates must drop whenever Grand Theft Auto or Halo sequels are released), it works for Ryan. Maybe this is the producers way of saying all geeks like video games, no matter what the sex is.

Now, something was fishy about this scene, because why would they writers add in something that was so out of left field (and when did they move the Playstation in from the main house?). When Renée Wheeler walked in to talk to Sandy, it dawned on me. They had to have her stick around, so her mom could mistakingly walk onto the back patio, so when Lindsay left, she would say "Mom, what are you doing here", and everybody would be confused. That's exactly what happened, and it also explained why Ryan lives in the pool house. If Ryan was getting busy in an upstairs bedroom, girls could leave down the stairs or through a window or something, making surprise scenes like I just mentioned entirely impossible. The solution was so easy, why didn't I think of it?

So I have new renewed faith in The OC. The stories were pretty good, and they didn't try to throw around a bunch of inside jokes like has plagued them in the past. They also decided against self-referencing themselves through "The Valley" or some other dialogue. Top it off, I can actually say I am interested in all of the new couples. It will be even better to watch how they are destined to fall apart.

"Hey!" Count: Episode - 14, Season Total - 36

Karamo Thinks 80s Music Is Gay

Well, this is going to be fun. Just in time for the Holidays, Bunim/Murray served up a nice lump of charcoal with it's latest installment of The Real World. Yes, the show that has made vomit and drunken hookups a welcomed motif for cable television decided to cram cancer, civil rights, eating disorders, and gay issues into one episode. In other words, it was HILARious!

You would think the mere mention of cancer would warrant an A-story placement on The Real World, but then again, this IS Bunim/Murray, the same production outfit that shoved the tragic death of Alton's brother into a rock-climbing montage during the Las Vegas season. As a result, the show first focused on easy-going Karamo. And by "easy-going," I mean he's still currently holding a grudge against his blanket for falling off in the middle of the night.

When last we saw Karamo - literally - he was swooning in the arms of Dorian, the dreamy personal trainer from Philly. A storybook romance, right? Well, not anymore. Karamo informed us that "Dorian's noticed I have some distrust issues." You see, Karamo has a hard time distrusting people. He trusts so damn easily! Oh, wait, he probably meant TRUST issues, which would make sense since he's managed to push away everyone who's tried to be close with him. He elaborated by saying "I need umph." Was that code for butt sex? Actually, not necessarily. You see, Dorian likes 80s R&B, but Karamo likes Hip Hop. OF COURSE! Well, I never met an Anita Baker fan that mixed well with a G-Unit junky. Maybe these guys should just break up. I mean, 80s R&B??? Psssh. Well, I'm glad that Karamo found a legitimate reason to end this relationship.

Over in Sarah World, life was for once not revolving around her implants, her sex life, or even her... sex life again. No, Sarah actually had serious, non-snarky issues to deal with, mainly her mother's cancer. Of course Sarah has never been one to shy away from broadcasting all the traumas of her life, and as she sat down with some people to generate sympathy, I couldn't help wondering which card she would play. Would it be the rape card? The cancer card? Neither! If you answered "Eating disorder", you are correct! Sarah managed to use discussion of her mother's illness as a springboard for her own demons, mainly bulimea. In an odd pairing that surely did not suit the heavy issues at hand, Sarah explained to a clearly drunken MJ that when her mother came down with cancer, she developed an eating disorder. MJ's response: "So, do you wanna makeout?"

Actually, MJ didn't say that, but he could not have appeared more disconnected than if he had taped a pillow around his head (although then he would have suffocated and died, but I suppose that supports my analogy). As Sarah described how her mother was initially given 5 to 10 years to live, you could see MJ trying to piece together something thoughtful to say: "So... are we coming up to year ten? Is that what I'm hearing? Did she beat the spread? What's the over/under?"

But as Fran Drescher so poetically put it, cancer schmancer. Let's go back to Karamo and his Made For TV crisis. To help him deal with his Hip Hop vs. 80s dilemma, special guest star Brie - aka Karamo's ex-girlfriend of two years - descended on Philadelphia for her reality debut. Busty and soft-spoken, Brie dared to ask Karamo such an unrealistic question, I'm not sure why he didn't just ship her back to wherever she came from. Brie: "Does it really matter? It's just music." What is she THINKING?? Someone who likes hip hop can't associate with an 80s pansy! Stick to your kind, woman! Karamo's response was much more polite than mine though: "What if music is a big part of your life?" That is true. For as long as we've known Karamo, we've only thought of one thing: music music music. The way he sings or freestyles or expresses his joy for music has been astonishing. Granted, we've never actually SEEN any of that, but that's our problem now, isn't it?

Thankfully, Brie never dropped the bombshell that many rap songs actually sample from 80s hits, even R&B. Had Karamo realized that he had been listening to 80s R&B all along, I don't know what would have happened, but I'm sure it would be loud and angry and probably MJ's fault.

As for Sarah, she found out that her family would be making a surprise visit in Philadelphia for the night; so of course Sarah would go out of the way to see them, right? Um, well, let's not forget that she's a reality star. Sarah told her sister that she would not in fact be available for such pedestrian things like dinner with her cancer-stricken mother. Okay okay, there was actually some emotional component to this. Sarah simply just couldn't face the sight of her mother going through chemo. Guilt stricken and emotionally torn, Sarah retreated to her bed and cried, and smelling blood in the water, Mel laid down next to her. Amazingly, Melanie did not jump into her usual judgment, although I did half expect her to say "I would never, NEVER get cancer. I like don't understand people who like to get cancer."

Curiously enough, as the two girls babbled and cried, I couldn't help noticing a barf bucket conveniently located by the head of Sarah's bed. Exactly how "over" this eating disorder is she? Not even her family was convinced of her health. When they all went out to dinner (oh yeah, Sarah came to her senses) and Sarah demonstrated how physically strong and fit she's become (don't mind your frail, ailing mother), her sister asked if she was being healthy. Bitch! Sarah immediately rebuffed her sister by saying "How could you ask me about my eating disorder???" She then went on to add, "You know, the one I always talk about. Mom, did I ever tell you how I got an eating disorder when you got cancer? Well, I did. And Rachel just mentioned it. I can't believe she would mention my EATING DISORDER. Anyway, let's just order our eating disorder and then eating disorder eating disorder eating disorder. Pass the eating disorder please." Sarah later described to us that this whole ordeal with her mom and her family was very taxing because "I'm used to my emotions being private." Oh, yes. Except for when you're broadcasting them across the nation, but that's neither here nor there.

While Sarah and her family fought, Karamo found his evening nap disrupted by evil Dorian and his "friendliness," whatever that is. Well, there's no better way to handle this situation than through a steady stream of passive aggressiveness, so that's what Karamo did. First he feigned a headache (which is the de facto way for anyone to say "If you don't leave me alone, I'm going to be really passive aggressive to you.") Unfortunately, Dorian must have been listening to just a bit too much Luther Vandross because neither he nor his bug-eyed (and white! Ahhh!) friend got the message. Then Karamo went to "sleep" while Dorian and sidekick went out with MJ and Landon (wow, Dorian is really desperate to have camera time). As soon as they left, Karamo and Willie went out - which was dumb because there would be a good chance that a) Karamo would run into Dorian; or b) Dorian would come back and see that Karamo is gone. Did I mention that this was all very passive aggressive?

Well, Dorian fell for option B as he returned to the compound only to find an empty bed and a horny Sarah. "Where is he?" he asked. "Let just have sex," Sarah replied. She also suggested that they could talk about her eating disorder.

Okay, neither of those things happened, but Dorian was mad and over the course of many scenes, he and Karamo discussed, fought, and babbled (under the watchful and unexplained eye of Willie) until they both wound up on a park bench having The Talk. Both guys had distinct goals. Dorian wanted to know if he was being played, you know, because of the way Karamo had played him. Karamo meanwhile simply wanted for a better excuse to drop Dorian other than his MP3 collection. Shocked that Dorian would ever insinuate that he was a player, Karamo lept down his throat (not in the erotic way) and pulled the whole "I can't believe you thought I'd do that, and the fact that you think that about me means that we can't see each other anymore because I am dumb."

And with that, Karamo walked back into his mansion, leaving Dorian to sit on his bench of shame while Bunim/Murray faded to black. Oh Dorian. You gayed it up just a bit too much. Here's to hoping there will be more reality porking for you in the future. Paging Willie...

Yaya Is Intelligent - in a Dumb Sort of Way

Was it me, or did last night's America's Next Top Model appear to be strikingly similar to The Amazing Race? After all, we had four models (not dating though) meandering around the streets of a foreign city, eventually getting lost and missing obvious locations. If Phil Koegan had popped up, I wouldn't have been surprised - although I would have been pleasantly amused.

For those of you just tuning in, the Asian odyssey of Ann, Eva, Yaya, and Amanda continued in full force as the gals dove into the wonderful world of Japanese street fashion, which is sort of like American punk except with pastels and a dash of pedophilia. Unfortunately, we never got to see Tyra slip into one of these ensembles, but I assume that's because her beluga-ish forehead has no place in Japanimation.

Before we could explore Japanese culture, however, we had to deal with some standard, show-opening bickering. Ann and Eva welcomed us to the hour with a heated discussion about makeup. Eva claimed that she doesn't often wear cosmetics - a statement that Ann felt was highly suspect. "You DO wear makeup!" she balked with such intensity you would think they were discussing Roe v. Wade. There's been a lot of anti-Eva sentiment from Ann recently, and I think we can chalk that up to Eva being the only girl left with two different vowels in her name ("and sometimes Y" is unacceptable to Yaya).

Anyway, the girls learned that they would be partaking in Japanese street fashion, thus prompting Yaya to do a little hip-hop dance. Uh, Yaya, I don't think they meant that sort of "street." Last time I checked, Japan wasn't known for its contributions to the Vibe Music Awards (and Planet Asia doesn't count). Nevertheless, the Fabulous Foursome headed on over to a spunky expert on street fashion who schooled them in the Lolita aspirations of every Japanese hipster. When the models weren't pretending to understand what the lady was saying, they were appreciating this whole new fashion world. Ann was impressed with the woman's "Mr. Potato Head Hat" while Yaya remained impressed with Yaya. The expert then had the models piece together an ensemble, and frankly, I was shocked that Yaya didn't try to work a dashiki into the mix.

After this crash course in crazy non-Western (and therefore bad and scary) fashion, the women were then handed down their first mission. They were given 20,000 yen to buy an ensemble from four different stores and model it at the Milk Showroom at 6 pm promptly. Oh, and because the producers need to pay the bills, they were given T-Mobile Sidekicks to help them navigate the mean streets of Tokyo. Amazingly enough, they were not contacted by Snoop Dogg or Big Boi or Paris Hilton or Molly Shannon (who according to the commercials, all call each other whenever they want to know what a pat of butter is or when to add fabric softener).

Around this time, the show jumped into Amazing Race mode as a the screen split into quarters and a digital clock showed us how much time was left in the mission. Eva had immense difficulty with the street signs, registering disbelief that "a lot of the characters were written in Japanese!" Well, that's a shocker! I fully expected Hebrew! Eventually Eva began pestering the local population for assitance, and when she was shunned, she simply yelled out: "Speak English, people!" And yet, even though she demanded it, no one became suddenly fluent in English. I guess maybe she thought they were speaking Japanese as a joke?

With ten minutes until the deadline, world traveler Yaya tempted fate and went on a Kimono shopping spree. Yes, this might seem careless, but you see, Yaya once saw a map of Tokyo, so she now has an intimate knowledge of the streets. Well, unfortunately for her, she showed up to the Milk showroom two minutes too late, and like a Japanese student watching the school gate close, Yaya was uniformly denied. My favorite part of all this (other than watching Yaya fail) was how the designers deemed her actions "unacceptable" while carrying big, polite smiles on their faces. That's some solid repressed rage.

Ultimately Eva won the competition with her nicely accessorized, Hello Kitty-friendly look. Her strategy? "Find things that don't go together and look really stupid." Mmmm... culture clash. Back at the homestead, Yaya bathed her disqualified ass and rationalized why her lack of punctuality was okay after all. "My non-presence [aka 'absence'] gave someone else a chance to win," she explained. Well, that was kind of her! Not everyone is big enough to accidentally be kicked out of the competition so that someone else might benefit. Hooray for Yaya!

Meanwhile, Eva chose her rocky life partner Ann to join her for the reward. The two met Mikimoto, who's this guy who's Japanese and... uh... is important and... wears a suit. While I scratched my head like Norelle at a Panda Express menu, the models had a lovely meal with Mr. Mikimoto before they went down to his jewelry showroom. So he's a jeweler. I mean... oh THAT Mikimoto, of course I knew who he was! I mean, Mikimoto! Come on! Anyhoo, I'll just be over here in the corner.

Well, Mikimoto was kind enough to give Eva and Ann pearl necklaces. You know, right there on their chests. It was pretty impressive that he could give two pearl necklaces one right after the other. I'm sure they'll always remember the time they got pearl necklaces on national television.

When the girls returned to the dojo, Yaya insisted that she was not jealous. No, she just felt like glowering from the corner and being silent and withdrawn. Luckily, she had a chance to shine the next day when everyone met up with our favorite passive aggressive photo coach, Jay Manuel for a Japanimé style shoot. In a puzzling moment, the girls rode an elevator up to meet Jay, and when the doors opened, they all jumped back in surprise. Now, I know this is super picky/nerdy blogger of me, but how could they be startled by elevator doors? Do they not have floor indicators in Japan? Models really are dumb.

Anyway, right off the bat Jay was ready with an unnecessary put down of Ann when he snickered "You better be lucky you still in this competition." Aw, what a guy! Most jerks would have said something like "Ann, I know you've been struggling; we'll get it right this time," but being supportive and friendly is sooo lame.

Maybe Jay should have taken a cue from the metaphor-mincing Jay Alexander, aka the potbellied cross dresser who popped up again last night for no apparent reason beyond a free trip to Japan. Jay Alexander's pep talk to Ann was très insightful: "I have a habit of throwing you the kitchen sink, and you never throw me back a bathtub. You throw me back bath water. Splash! Oooh!" Hmmm... the plumbing analogy is all wrong. I would have gone with "I always throw you a toilet, and you just throw me back a turd." In other news, Jay Alexander is currently in the hospital recovering from injuries sustained when Janice Dickinson hurled a bidet at him (she thought he was Un-Cocaine).

Amanda was first on the shoot, which involved posing on a motorcycle. She seemed to have it down pat, making Jay Manuel quite happy. Yaya was next, and while she had a misstep with the competition the day before, she knew she would triumph this time "being an intelligent black woman." Until we have seen evidence to the contrary, Yaya is now prohibited from bragging about her intelligence.

The emotionally drained Ann took to the motorcycle, but she soon had a mini-breakdown as the Jay Manuel-induced insecurities got the better of her. "I don't belong here," she cried. "Doesn't this remind you of something?" asked Jay. "It's the Matrix!" Uh, what? A) How is that supposed to make her feel better; B) How is that supposed to help the shoot?; and C) How is this the Matrix? It was filmed in Sydney. And last time I checked, Carrie Ann Moss wasn't dressed in bright pink and blue. Later Jay scoffed that every time he gave her a visualization, she just never picked up on it. That tends to happen if the image has nothing to do with anything.

The next day, Tyra waltzed into the girl's living quarters with her usual "What's up girlfriends! It's me, Tyra Banks!" attitude. Was she delivering Tyra mail in person? Or maybe going to just talk about herself a little more? Neither. Instead she wanted to talk about how being on the road can really make you homesick. Awww. It's gonna be like Survivor where the loved ones come to visit. "Well, here's..." Tyra started as the girls' faces all lit up. "...my mom!" Oh. That's nice. You do realize Tyra that your mom is not the mother to these girls, right?

Anyway, Tyra's Biggest Loser of a mother greeted all the girls and then joined her daughter with one on one sessions with everyone. There was nothing particularly interesting about these except the stultifying number of tears shed. Yaya's cheeks wear shiny with her saline emissions as she bellowed that she's not just a pretty face, she can write well too! She's an intelligent black woman!!! Later, after everyone had consulted a Kleenex or two, the group headed out to dinner with Tyra's Japanese family. I don't really understand either.

Finally it was time for the dreaded panel - aka Ann Smackdown 2004. Prior to appearing before the judges, Ann noted how stressful it was because no one ever knew who would be going home each week. Yeah, um, it's pretty obvious that you're going home, Ann. There wasn't too much that was notable about the panel this week. Nigel Barker - aka Chicken Run - was up to his usual comments like "Your leg looks chunky" and Janice continued to babble in her drug-induced hyperstate. Basically everyone bashed Ann for being completely incompetent and stupid and ugly and boring and passionless and afraid to admit her favorite band was Motley Crüe. By the time the judges sent everyone out to deliberate, Ann's self-esteem was about as large as Yaya's valuation of modesty.

Eventually, it was time for Tyra to round up the troops and eliminate someone. "Amanda, I'm not going to critique you tonight," Tyra said solemnly. "I want you to critique yourself." Oooh. Way to throw down the gauntlet. If I were Amanda, I would just say "Uh, you do realize I'm blind, don't you? I have no idea what I look like."

Tyra gave Amanda and Yaya passes and then let Eva and Ann squirm under the magnifying glass. Tyra put on her Super Special Grave voice and to illustrate the importance of her comments, she made sure to stretch out all words, as in "It's always oth-er people" or "You have to look in-side." Tha-ank you, Ty-ra. She LOVES sylla-bles.

Ultimately, Ann inevitably got the ax. It was a mildly sad moment, especially when Ann hugged Yaya and Amanda, but not Eva. That was cold, Ann. Jay Manuel would have been proud.

Where the Boys Aren't Revisited

When TVgasm stated earlier this week that a certain cast member of the OC was going to do a little lesbian experimentation, we received many e-mails questioning the quality of our source. I guess there is some element of the population that believes television writers wouldn't stoop so low as to have two women kissing just to grab some ratings, or that it was some elaborate scheme we came up with to poke some fun at the on screen phenomenon that is Mischa Barton. My favorite e-mail was one speculating we had been paid by FOX to start a false rumor to help them create a buzz. Although a FOX spokesperson declined to comment on any of the rumors in the New York Post, creator Josh Schwartz is now on record as saying that their will be a lesbian relationship later this season, a mere three days after TVgasm told you about it first.

Like we hinted before, Mischa Barton's character Marissa Cooper, having obviously run out of guys and vodka bottles worth of her tongue action, will move on to something a little more risqué. Again, we aren't ones to ruin the surprise, but we'll be here to report on the action in all of its glory soon after it happens.

The African Queen

Scandinavia was fun, but after all this civilized Ikea romping and hay bale unfurling, it was time to get down and dirty — Third World style. And so The Amazing Race once again shoveled its contestants out of Europe and into Senegal where teams faced all those time honored poverty traditions. You know, the smelly cabs, the flat tires, the haggling cab drivers, and of course, the Westernized condescension. Luckily for us, our usual gaggle of loveable old people and shallow models kept things interesting with an intoxicating brew of vomit, tears, and ambiguous gayness. Can you really ask for anything more?

The show jump started with the teams racing off to the Town Hall tower in Stockholm, which conveniently didn't open until 7 AM the next morning. Somehow Jon, Kris, Hayden, Aaron, Jon, and Victoria all determined that it opened at 10 AM, which meant the local Sheraton had the lucky distinction of hosting six reality stars/vagrants on their lobby couches for the night.

As usual, the episode provided a few snippets of interviews at the outset to frame the emotional and dramatic arcs we would be seeing over the next hour. Last night Rebecca revealed that when she met Adam, his mother was still cutting his toe nails. I don't know who to feel sadder for: Adam or his mom. Either way, Rebecca laid down the gauntlet. "If you're gonna be my boyfriend, you have to cut your own toe nails," she insisted, adding "And I'd like you to stop being gay too."

Meanwhile, the dating models tried their hardest to assert some sort of personality. Kendra commented that she likes the finer things in life, and apparently that includes her giant bandana (which, as we learned from a summer of Big Brother 5, is NEVER acceptable). Freddy meanwhile likes to get down and dirty, as evidenced by his raucous personality and life of the party attitude. Man, what would this season be without Freddy???

As for Bolo, all he wanted was peace with Lori. No more infighting. No more anger. No more people saying "I'm better than you are, you're better than me are." Don't worry, me aren't going to say anything.

Anyway, when the teams eventually plucked their clues off the top of the Town Hall tower, they were sent packing to Senegal. Most everyone got to the airport early on, although Kris and Jon decided to spend the morning sightseeing around Stockholm. Late risers Jon and Victoria approached the Town Hall tower at what they thought was an early time, but reality soon set in as they spied people already atop the structure. "How did they get up there if it doesn't open 'til 10?" asked Victoria. I don't know, maybe it's MAGIC! Amazingly, Jon didn't let loose a torrent of effeminate anger, but I'm sure that's because he was pre-occupied with his garrish blue furry hat. In case you missed it, it was like some ill-advised attempt at kitschy pimp chic - which would have been fine if he were Dennis Rodman, but, uh, he's not.

Eventually though the 10 AM blunder crew got with the program, and while they managed to catch up with the pack, it didn't prevent Aaron from doing his best Chris Farley impersonation as he berated himself with "I'm so STUPID. STUPID STUPID STUPID!"

All the teams found flights to Senegal easily, and once there, the group poured out of the airport as if a giant fireball were barrelling down behind them. Teams then set out to find the grave of a Senegalese poet, a task which nicely allowed Kendra to come out of the whiny closet by complaining about the stench, the cars, and Africa in general (or "ghetto Africa" as she unwittingly called it). Freddy, watch out! Your fiancé is displaying signs of a personality!

Of course we were introduced to this season's first Third World taxi hijinx as teams struggled to find a cabbie that a) could speak English; b) would drive them somewhere; and c) didn't mind being touched. Yes, in the middle of the fray, one cabbie sternly reprimanded someone by saying "Do not touch." I don't really know why he said that or what was going on or where he was being touched, but apparently, he didn't like it. Meanwhile, obnoxious Jon took a grammatical page from Bolo and yelled out to the crowd: "I need somebody to speak me English!" In other news, John continues to be a huge idiot.

Anyway, the inevitable taxi chaos soon led to the inevitable taxi flat tire, with Don and Mary Jean the hapless victims. "If only our WASPy powers could patch holes!" Don lamented. Actually, no, he didn't say that. Instead, the old coot chalked up the flat to the "fickle finger of fate." Thanks, GARRISON KEILLOR!

Eventually everyone made it to the graveyard which appeared to be at the intersection of Poverty Lane and Famine Boulevard. Kris and Jon, ever the optimists, expressed their love for the experience while Kendra rolled her eyes and Adam and Rebecca simply said "WE HATE AFRICA!" Don and Mary Jean noted that the level of poverty was astounding, but the colors were so vibrant. Oh great. Yeah there's despondency and hardship all around, but the color scheme is fantastic! Later, Don commented that despite the circumstances, the kids seemed happy and joyous. We then cut to a child playing with a cow's tail. Cow tails: the X-Box of Senegal.

After the graveyard, teams headed to a small fishing village for the Detour which was a choice between stacking fish on a table and fishing in the ocean. Gus and Hera charged through the little village, much to a wayward goat's dismay. I honestly would have loved to have seen Hera trip over the goat. But alas, the animal jumped back at the last second with a studio-assisted bleat. Worst goat EVER.

Jon and Victoria meanwhile crammed into a taxi with a random sidekick they had picked up along the way. It was sort of like the interracial domestic abuse version of a clown car. Speaking of abuse, Bolo and Lori managed to get into a little altercation about money, with the latter throwing up her hands and storming away. I don't remember what she said because anytime she raises her voice, I just imagine her shouting "Now git!!"

While teams argued and shouted, Don and Mary Jean got down to business with the Detour. Deciding between the fishing or the fish stacking, Mary Jean announced "I'm feeling like the fish." Um, they're both fish, Mary Jean. Not to worry though. Don knew what she was talking about as the two jumped into a boat and braved the choppy waters. And by "braved", I mean "vomitted in." Yes, poor Don fell victim to seasickness, which resulted in us watching the sad sight of an old man yakking on national television. He wasn't alone though. Gus and Hera made the same decision to go fishing, and before long, Hera was hurling her guts into the mighty Atlantic Ocean as well.

Luckily, Don's boot was not all for naught. As Mary Jean was fond of noting, every time Don threw up, more fish would come to the boat (she caught two in one attempt after Don's first magnificent spew). I couldn't tell if she was finding levity in the situation or simply passive aggressive-ing her husband.

On dry land, the dating models became the obligatory team to fight with a cabbie. Long story short: driver said trip would cost $30 but then upped his price to $40. Kendra and Freddy refused to pay the updated price, offering up only thirty bucks. The cabbie should be happy, reasoned Kendra, because he made more that day than he would all year long. Well, that was pleasantly insulting, wasn't it? I didn't realize Kendra was an expert on the dollar to franc exchange rates in Senegal.

While the dating/models-cum-overlords mandated economic policies, the episode cut back to the continuing adventures of Don and his projectile vomit. Once again, Mary Jean chimed in about how wonderfully his barfing attracted fish. Yes, we get it. Can we just move on? Well, actually no. Turns out that the fishing took longer than the stacking, and so while the elders puked for piscine bounty, all the other teams advanced to the next destination - a rose colored lake and home of the next Road Block. Here a teammate had to scoop salt from the base of the lake and fill up a basket on the shore.

Blossoming idiot Kendra approached the red lake with trepidation. "Is this sanitary?" she asked. Apparently, she wasn't concerned about worms and parasites, but blood. Seriously. She thought there was blood in the lake. You see, when you harvest salt, it bleeds. It's quite sad.

Anyway, all the teams sent their female members into the lake, and yes, that included Adam and blue-haired Jon - aka the latter day coming of Ace and Gary. Adam scowled and yelled at Rebecca to "Shut up! Just shut up!!" but they did have a tender Rocky moment as Rebecca wiped the salty water out of her baby's eyes. I was surprised she didn't squirt water in his mouth and give him a pat on the butt.

Meanwhile, back on the high seas, Mary Jean had something new to say: "You know, when Don throws up, we get more fish." Okay, ENOUGH. Good God. Mary Jean LOVES the vomit/fish corollary.

Back at the Salt Olympics 2004, Adam finally finished hauling all the salt and yes, he was beaten by all the girls... and yes, I'm sure he did just lose most of his personal training clients. As he and his "girlfriend" (and by "girlfriend", I mean he says to Rebecca "Hey girlfriend!") boarded the ferry to the pit stop, the two broke out in a fight. Adam: You don't support me. Rebecca: You're gay. Technically, her words were "I don't have time to babysit my girlfriend anymore" which was just as good. Curiously, as soon as she said that, a strong breeze blew across the country as America let out a sigh of relief: "She DOES realize."

Pinned against the wall with an irrefutable argument, Adam had nothing else to do except try the strategy that he had presumably used so often with his parents: suicide threats. "Do you want me to jump out of the boat?" he asked. This was a welcome variation on his "Do you want me to jump in front of the train?" guilt trip from a few episodes ago. I suppose we'll have plenty of other versions to look forward to like "Do you want me to drive this car off a cliff?" or "Do you want me to jump into this live volcano?" or "Do you want me to have sex with this man? Because I'll do it. I swear I'll do it."

However, despite all of Adam's attempts to make Rebecca feel guilty, she simply responded to the promise of ferry ejection with "That'd be awesome." She's telling the truth. If Adam hurled himself off the vessel, I'd be cackling for weeks.

Unsurprisingly, Kris and Jon made it to the Pit Stop first, and here's the shock. They were happy! I thought we'd never see them break a smile. Pulling up the rear - as usual - were Gus and Hera and Don and Mary Jean -- aka the future shipmates for the Andrea Dora II (based on those Senegal tides, I think it was safe to say that they headed right into the jaws of the monster).

Gus managed to take care of the salt relatively quickly while Mary Jean understandably labored at it. The father and daughter team soon departed, but not before Gus finally peeled off his shirt and showed us that sexy bod he'd been hiding all season. Honestly, he poured into that cab like a gelatanous Buddha.

In the end, it was quite clear that Don and Mary Jean would be coming in last, and as Don watched Mary Jean haul the salt, he devolved into bundle of tears. "I'm so proud of her," he bawled. I'm surprised that Mary Jean didn't pipe up with "When Don cries, I can carry more salt. Sort of like when Don vomitted, I could catch more fish. Did I ever tell you about that?"

Alas, the sweet natured team reached the Pit Stop last where a solemn Phil let them think they were eliminated. He paused dramatically in a moment of pure Koegan sadism, and then suddenly broke the WASPy stare-down with his good natured "I'm just barely tolerating you" smile. Yes, it was a non-elimination leg and our plucky old couple was given a new lease on life. We can only hope that their patrician-class appearance won't hinder them too much as they beg for money amongst the Senegalese...

NBC Misses Yet Another Chance To Replace Football

In a move that surely rankled NBC executives looking to sure up their Arena Football League offseason schedule, Fox Sports Network has announced that it will be airing the World Rock Paper Scissors Championship, Variety reports. Yes, I did just say that. This ranks as a new low for televised sports, although producers for Battlebots are rumored to be relieved now that they're one step higher on the athletic totem pole.

Okay, here's the good news. Apparently Fox and the World RPS Society do realize that this is ridiculous and will be adopting a tongue and cheek approach. For those curious to see this battle of fingers, tune in to FSN this Friday at 8pm EST for the one hour (!) showdown. No word on whether Fox will be tackling thumb wrestling.

For more information, check out the article here.

More Adventures with The Miz

It's been a while since I visited our old friend Mike The Miz and his plucky website; so I decided to dive into his collection of personal essays and see what gems I could pull out. Turns out that Mike has been fairly silent since early October, but that's most likely due to Tough Enough obligations. Still, even though it's December now, it doesn't hurt to travel back in time a few months and find out what really makes the Miz tick.

I guarantee that you won't be disappointed.

My first stop on the Miz Express was a journal entry dated 10/9/04. Mike had flown into Dallas for some uninspired reason and hilarity ensued. Or at least highlights. Here is the odd opening paragraph (an no, this was NOT written by Carson Kressley):

As soon as I got to Dallas I went to the hotel picked up Cameran and we were off to my friends salon to get a hair cut. I was just going to get a trim and Cammy was going to get some highlights but as the time progressed I decided to get some highlights as well. I must say I was pleased with the result. My friend, Lance, did a great job on both of our heads.

Yes, another conquest for Mike's Metrosexuality. I guess it's not so much an issue of Tough Enough as it is Fab Enough.

Sadly, the rest of this post was not nearly as entertaining as the opening paragraph; so I simply moved deeper in the archive to a post from late September. Honestly, it was so chock-full of great lines that I have no choice except to write an in depth analysis of the entire post from start to finish. Here goes.

Speaking Engagement for Kansas State's DECA Convention

Now I had no idea what DECA meant but I was more than willing to give them a speech on leadership. I knew this was going to be a hard speech when I found out that DECA was all high school students. High schoolers are a lot harder to speak to because you have to watch what you say more. No swearing at all because those old teachers will get pissed. Yeah pissed is a swear word too.

Thanks for the no-context intro, Mike. I guess we'll just jump into this post mid-thought. I like how Mike is so eager to give a speech that he doesn't even bother to check out the organization. Word to the wise: if NAMBLA comes calling, don't accept. By the way, nice use of ironic humor in the "pissed" comment. That was high level.

I got there a day early and took a 2 hour car ride with Jess who was really nice and made the 2 hour drive seem faster. They picked me up in a Cavalier that shook when you reached 80 mph and had no power windows or locks. We had a great time making fun of it.

Oh Cavalier humor is the BEST! It shook at 80 mph, had no power windows and no power locks? That is HILARious! What's next? It had no cruise control? I can't even conceive!!! Big ups to this mysterious Jess for making the drive seem faster. We'll just assume that's code for felatio.

We finally got to the camp where the convention was being held and I met Emily who hired me. I asked her what DECA was and she told me that the students take tests and are ranked all over the USA. I was like what student would volunteer to take a test because I know I wouldn't want to.

Wow, did Mike just shoot his passive aggressive cannon at the kids? No, he was just being a dumbass. But yes - what kids would EVER volunteer to take a test? I don't know. Maybe ones that want to grow academically so that someday their Internet posts don't read like The Miz's?

Then she told me that these kids were the best of the best and get an all expense paid trip to Anahiem and NY for nationals where there'd be 14,000 other students competing. Well that'd be motivation enough for me when I was in high school because most of that 14,000 were girls.

Um, Miz, I don't think this will necessarily be the most attractive pool of high school girls. You may want to revise your plans for getting some retroactive Achievement Test tail.

Eventhough I hated tests in high school I think I could manage. They showed me my room which was away from all the high school kids and was nice. I mean it was no Hilton but it would do.

Not the Hilton???? What kind of a not-for-profit academic organization is this? Surely a superstar like Mike Mizanin from The Real World deserves better accomodations!

Believe it or not I get really nervous before speeches, especially these kind where I have to be professional.

Mike has to be professional? A professional what? And since when did he care about this sort of a thing? Last time we saw him he was calling girls Panty Droppers and chowing down worms on MTV.

Usually when I have speaking gigs at colleges it's mostly Q & A and I incorporate my speech inside the questions. It's really easy and it gets students more involved and less bored. However, in professional speeches I have to figure out ways to keep the crowd in the speech while educating them on the subject the school desires which was leadership. In my speeches I don't like to write it all out. I just like to have bullet points because I feel if you memorize this whole 40 minute speech I think there's more room for error but if you just talk to the students instead of lecturing them then the kids will learn more and be more entertained.

Yeah, you don't want the kids to be bored with your long, rambling comments. Sort of like the way I just became instantly bored during that paragraph.

I practiced my speech about 4 times that night then tried to go to sleep but I couldn't. The next day I practiced once more and was ready.

Oh, thank goodness. I was wondering what his speech practicing schedule would be.

Why is it before speeches I always want to go home and say screw it. My mind says don't do it for some stupid reason.

I think that stupid reason is called "Contractual obligation."

I get really nervous. But as soon as I got onstage I'm on and feel right at home. The students seemed into it and laughed at all my jokes. I like to start off with a bunch of jokes to lighten up the mood and to make me feel more comfortable on stage.

Unfortunately, all those jokes were Foxworthy-ish lines like "If you're being racist and then hooking up with a girl on camera and then fighting about something stupid and have no discernable career beyond appearing on MTV year after year, then you might be The Miz."

My speech went about 45-50 minutes and I felt like I really did a good job. I took a bunch of questions afterwards and then had a nice little meet and greet. The students were really nice. I didn't know they were doing this but they had this evaluation sheet about the weekend and my speech was on it to be graded: excellent, good, or fair.

That's awesome! I love how the kids surpise evaluated The Miz. It was kind of their way of saying "You don't like tests, tough guy? Well, f**k you. You're in one!" Yes, The Miz was had.

I didn't like this idea until I saw that most of the sheets had excellent and there were only 3 that were fair out of 300. Hey you can't win them all.

Those kids who called The Miz "fair" are great. Truthfully though, I think we all know those other 297 students were just humoring him. You know that when he left, they all just started laughing and saying things like "He actually believes WE think he's excellent. He's a bigger douche than we thought!"

I love the after feeling of speeches. I think the reason for that is because before I'm so nervous and have butterflies in my stomach then I turn that nervousness into energy and BE MIZ and rock the house. I love that feeling.

I'm sorry, what feeling was that? I got distracted by the random nouns and verbs you call a "sentence".

I want to thank Emily for hiring me to come out there, eventhough we play fought the entire time. I always like a person that'll argue but not really argue. I still think you drive like my grandma. :) Also a big thanks to Jess for driving me and for being the mediator.

"Mediator", eh? So that's what we're calling our mischevious road warrior. Oh, and Emily, yeah, thanks for arguing but not really arguing with Mike. He likes to think but not really think.

Last but not least thank you to the students and teachers. I wish you all the best with DECA. Keep up the good work. Remember anytime you're nervous and to scared to do something just BE MIZ!!!

According to what he just wrote, didn't The Miz say he was nervous and scared? So if you're nervous and scared, does he mean continue to be nervous and scared? I'm confused. I've put too much thought into this.

Here's to hoping the journal entries continue!

The Electric Slide

Bunim/Murray tried to make a reality movie once upon a time. Some people enjoyedThe Real Cancun, and I admit, I enjoyed the DVD. The ability to pause, slow-mo, and rewind to the good parts(the boobs) combined with the ability to fast forward over the bad parts(anything else) really made it tolerable. I think I am happy that they made The Real Cancun into a movie because I would have *really* gouged my eyes out if it was a television series. Such is the dilemma I am faced with during Real World/Road Rules: Battle of the Sexes 2. I know that MTV counts on Bunim/Murray producing all of these shows to fill their pathetic lineup, but wouldn't it be better for all of us if we perhaps received fewer seasons and more quality? One can still hope, can't he?

I am going to skip the formalities and go right to what's important. That is, of course, the issues the girls have simply coexisting in the same domicile. True happiness begins in the home. When you achieve peace in the home, you can then achieve peace in life, or at least have a better chance at winning free shit on a reality show. The men have a nice, boring, existence, where the pecking order is well known. Performance is what keeps you in the game. Well, your performance, and whether or not you choose to spend the episodes with a jump rope tied around your head. As Sophia describe the women "it's not what you do, but how many people are on your side".

Actually, it's not so much how many people you have on your side as how many people named Coral you have on your side. If you are in Coral's clique, you have a pretty good shot at sticking around, if not, the odds are against you. How do you get in Coral's clique? Well, I have no information to back it up, but I am guessing that you must live in LA and prove your loyalty in various rituals such as blood letting and virgin sacrifice. Currently, Coral's main crew consists of Tonya and Veronica, with Rachel ceremoniously shown the door in an earlier episode. Apparently, Sophia is trying to stay on Coral's good side, because Coral spends the first few minutes of the show explaining how Sophia likes to kiss her ass. Later, she went on to talk about how Ruthie likes to talk when she is drunk, and how she gets all spiritual and tells Coral how much power she has. Conveniently (thanks camera man!), Ruthie is awake and walks in on Coral telling the story to Veronica and Tonya. She then tries to save herself by saying that when she was talking behind Ruthie's back, she was making a compliment. Oh, that's right.

We finally get our first shot of Santa Fe(other than the one club everybody goes to at night), and frankly, it kind of sucks. But then again, any time your population seems fifty percent washed up reality stars, things are going to look bad. That's why I don't go to the Saddle Ranch on Sunset. Some of our contestants were interrupted from their day on the town to learn that they had to be prepared for their next mission - they were going to need socks for insulation. No, they weren't going to be subjecting themselves to extreme temperatures, they were preparing to be shocked! Shocked, I tell you.

Although perhaps the easiest word they could have had to make up a funny title, the name of the challenge was simply Electroshock. It required each team balance an aluminum pole through a up and down zig zag pattern on a huge board. The poles were heavy, and the teams had to be a minimum distance from board. The space to slide the pole was only a couple of inches wider than the pole itself, meaning it would take great precision to make it through. To make things interesting, if the side of the pole touched an edge of the pattern, the team would be subjected to a shock of 1000 VOLTS!!! OK, they tried to make it seem really scary, but 1000 volts is not a lot folks. Typical stun guns come in at about 150,000 volts, and they aren't lethal. Although I was laughed at mercilessly by madeyoulaugh and B-side for bringing it up, I am proud to say I remember my AP Physics. The amperage is what's dangerous, not the volts. It's the current stupid!

After hanging my head in embarrassment and shame by my peers, I got on to watching the show. Coral, after doing such a good job at building up the trust of her teammates by mocking them behind their back, decided it would be great if she was then a team leader. Aneesa and Robin joined her on the suicide mission as girl's team leaders. Randy, Dan, and Steven decided to take their chances as guy's team leaders. Even though 1000 volts is not lethal, it is enough to send a nice little jolt up your arm, and plenty of power to make you drop whatever was giving you the jolt. And since this game required you to start over if any team member let go of the pole, there was plenty of incentive to be careful as they progressed through the challenge. All in all, this was a challenge that was interesting, required some strategy from the leaders, and was equally fair for the men and the women.

I could probably write a couple of paragraphs about both teams and their strategies(I won't bore you through another physics lesson involving my strategy), why should I go through all of that trouble when we know that the girls are going to lose? In yet another beat down that wasn't even close, the guys finished first, and with it took home a prize package involving some mp3 player that isn't an iPod. Once again, another set of winnings that is going straight to ebay. There would have been absolutely nothing exciting about this challenge except that some of the girls heard Steven gloating about how superior the guys team was compared to the girls. Although he was doing nothing more than speaking the truth, the girls team really got upset when they heard him. Sophia started crying that the guys never gave the girls the respect that they deserve. Uhhh, I was going to say that they give the girls more respect than they deserve. Simply showing up to face the women is practically enough to beat their team. Win a couple of challenges in a row, and then maybe you can complain about respect.

After the whole debacle with Steven, Coral decided to give her little team a pep talk. Just the thing you need right before you go into a big challenge! What was that? The girls had already lost the challenge when Coral had her little pep talk? Oh, never mind then. In that case, she must be giving that little pep talk so when the girls go to vote, they forget that she really hates them most of them and won't vote her out.

At the beginning of the show, I thought that Robin was surely a goner, because they spent so much time with her and Mark in conversation. Apparently, there is a budding romance with Mark and Robin, with Mark trying to convince Robin that he has more interest in her than her massive boobs. For her part, Robin was trying to pretend that she was actually interested in anything that Mark had to say. Why they don't just have sex in the pool is beyond me. This misdirection turned out to be for nothing, because the girls didn't have their sites set on Robin, and the guys were nowhere near voting out Mark. It turned out that another clip at the beginning of the show, highlighting Nick and Shane getting down in a club was a more accurate barometer of things to come. Shane and Nick were some of the few guys left who had messed up in a challenge, so it was a big tossup as to who was going to be the last gay guy left standing at the ranch.

The girls team, which is never worth watching for the big fight they put in to each challenge, at least was good for some post-challenge loss drama. Alas, they were not even good enough for any of that. Perhaps the producers were getting sick of cutting for this episode, but all we got was a bunch of whining about who to vote for and then a cut to elimination hill.

Jonny Mosely, who finds it harder and harder to finish sentences each week, asked for the teams to name their losers, and Aneesa and Nick were sent home. Both pretty much knew their fate. Nick lasted fairly long almost had the honor of being the last Road Rules: Xtreme cast member kicked out. That honor will eventually go to Ibis, and there is more than enough of her these days to take on that challenge. Aneesa probably should have been kicked out earlier, because she hasn't done much of anything to warrant lasting even this long. That leaves only Sophia and Ruthie to carry on the honored tradition that defines lesbians on Bunim/Murray programming.

Chenbot Winterizes

Ever wonder if a pointsettia and a raccoon had a love child? Well, look no further than the Kennedy Center Honors where fashionista Julie Chen debuted her latest sartorial debacle. Granted, the six-pack rings were conspicuously absent, but the good news is that Julie's patented awkward fashions are still intact. I particularly like the Asian woman behind her desperately trying to corral in the Chenbot before her determined gait leads to some sort of red carpet disaster. But despite her friend's intentions, Julie Chen seems to be giving one giant "But first" as she plods towards some inevitable awkward moment. Alas, not even the shiniest of women can stop the Chenbot once her mission coordinates have been set: "MUST FOLLOW LES. MUST ATTEND KENNEDY CENTER HONORS."

Big Brother in six months...

TVgasm Infiltrates Hollywood Glitteratti, FSN Cuts Off Our Heads

Every now and then TVgasm has a little coup. First we got a shout out from Stuart Elliot in the New York Times, and then USA Today bestowed us with the "Hip Click" honor. But on this past Friday, we finally broke through the print ceiling and made our first splash on television, not that anyone seemed to realize. Yes, thanks to the unexpected charity of an A-list actor and his assistant, J-Unit and I wound up courtside for Friday's Lakers game where we made our televised / jumbo-tron debut. What was it like to rub elbows with Jack Nicholson? Well, he wasn't there. Jerk. But I'll tell you who was there: Ron Livingston, Christine Lahti, and... wait for it... Suzanne Pleshette. Apparently it was "Pretend it's the Clippers" night, which would make sense since Clippers coach Mike Dunleavy was present as well. In all fairness, there were some gliteratti there. Uber producer Joel Silver was firmly ensconced in a courtside seat and, well, that was about it. Still, the lack of star power didn't mean the game wasn't exciting - although you wouldn't know it based on all the agents and executives doing business while fans were on their feet around them. Nevertheless, the important thing is that we were on TV, and for our shallow existences, that's all the really matters, right? We're awesome.

Where the Boys Aren't

The writers of The OC have tried all season to make sure that people know that we are in an entirely "new era" and that we should only expect the unexpected. Overall, the season has not been stellar, so we were intrigued when TVgasm reader Spotdog told us of a little plot twist that is sure to get people talking. Normally, the TVgasm editorial staff is not one to report on rumor and innuendo, but after a thorough investigation, we are convinced that Spotdog speaks the truth. Not content with with the current assortment of love triangles currently permeating the show, the writers have decided that a good way to spark renewed interest would be some hot girl-on-girl action(which is much better than the corpse on corpse chemistry we currently witness). TVgasm doesn't want to ruin the surprise by naming names, but a certain waifish cast member with questionable acting skills and a deep seated hatred of lawn furniture decides to do a little experimenting with another member of the fairer sex in the upcoming weeks of the show. We aren't going to say if the scene(s) with the two unnamed actresses is going to be all that hot and heavy, but we assure you that you don't want to miss it.

Who are the two actresses that lock lips in Newport? Again, we don't want to give away the entire surpise, but we promise that you'll be talking about the whole thing ten, or even fifteen minutes later. It's that great.

UPDATE: For those of you who asked, yes, TVgasm will have the video of the wonderful event soon after all of the hot tongue action takes place.

Update 12/8/04 Two days after TVgasm broke this story (and yes, we were referenced by the New York Post), Josh Schwartz has suddenly popped up in an interview on Out.com discussing this twist. Read about all the details here, but just remember, you heard it at TVgasm first...

Fat People Overrun Hollywood Bar, Aspiring Actors Confused

There are many bizarre sights on the Sunset Strip, but nothing more head turning than hundreds of overweight people clamoring to get into the Saddle Ranch Chop House on a lazy Friday afternoon. What would bring so many fat people to one place? The cynic in me thought, hmmmm... free steaks and potatoes and gravy and ham? Or maybe Celine Dion was just throwing a random concert. Turns out it was neither. Instead it was something much more simple (and much more Hollywood). Yes, it was auditions for season two of The Biggest Loser.

A friend of mine gave me the heads up when she saw the giant - er, big boned - line, and since the Saddle Ranch is mere steps from the TVgasm offices, what else was I to do except whip out the ole LG Camera Phone and document this compendium of girth. I was convinced I could get a small item to orbit the crowd, but alas, I left my toaster at home.

In other news, The Saddle Ranch's famous mechanical bull will be closed for repairs for the next week.

Sorry. I'm an asshole.

Corporate Whore

People whore themselves out for all sorts of things every day. Just look at all the "indie" bands on The OC. But is it really necessary to whore yourself out over a candy bar? According to last night's Apprentice, the answer is yes. Whore it early and whore it often! And that's exactly what Ivana did as she literally stripped off her skirt in an effort to sell one measly candy bar. Wow. Last time I checked, Willy Wonka never had to drop trou to broaden his consumer base, and if he did, then I think we should reexamine what exactly he meant by golden ticket. Okay, I've brought this post into a disturbing area very very quickly; so I'll just get back on track by doing my favorite Friday morning activity: bashing Apprentice-ites.

The show quietly started off with nary a whiff of pathetic striptease in the air. Kevin, Kelly and Ivana lounged around the loft, singing Jen's praises. And by "singing Jen's praises," I mean finding new and interesting ways to rip her to shreds. Everyone shut up though when the front door opened and the icy Jencicle bolted into the apartment with a decently frazzled Sandy behind her. For those who may have forgotten, this episode picked up after a particularly tense boardroom last week that left Jen and Sandy bickering all the way up their fake elevator ride. The two of them were therefore noticeably cold and seething as they rejoined their roommates in the loft. They were so damn angry that they were soon... smiling to each other on the couch? Huh? "I'm excited that it's going to be the two of us," chirped Sandy hopefully. Whaa?? Do they even REMEMBER the fight they just had five minutes ago? You know, the really really loud one that cause Donald Trump to bang his hand against the table? What's going on? I hardly even had a chance to comment on the growing awkwardness between these two lovebirds. Great. Well I guess it's F-in' Shangri-La over at Trump Towers now. THANKS.

The next morning frumpy Rhona called up to administer the day's Trump coordinates. Of course chronic phone hog Kelly answered. Does anyone even try to get to the phone before him? And what's up with Rhona? Shouldn't she apologize for calling so early? At the very least she should do that fake ritual most of us do: "Oh, were you sleeping? I'll let you get back to sleep. You don't mind? Are you sure? Because I will let you go back to sleep. Okay, well, the reason I was calling..."

Well, the gang all woke up, got dressed, and in the case of Sandy, applied about ten layers of makeup to hide a scary 45 year old face. They then headed to a building in the city where The Donald was having one of his nicely staged conversations with George, Carolyn, and the mysterious "Tom". I must admit, they looked like they were having a marvelous time as they sat comfortably around a coffee table in the lobby of the building. In fact, when the group shuffled in (Ivana almost walked right by), Trump told them to move their chorus line formation into another room. Awww shit! We're gonna hear some gossip now! When everyone had made their way into the small adjacent room, Donald turned to his posse and said "So Tom, keep up the good work." He cleared the room for that? Don't we get one juicy morsel about anything? The hair? Milania? Oh well.

Anyway, Trump sauntered over to the second room whose significance still eluded us. There he announced that the teams would be selling Mars' latest candy bar, the M-Azing Bar, which sadly does not feature Phil Koegan. Trump then babbled about quality, noting that everything he does is high quality. For instance, his casinos are of such high quality that he doesn't want people to visit them. And what greater a mark of quality is there than bankruptcy? As for the M-azing Bars, teams would be in charge of running an assembly line and the candy bars that do not pass muster would be thrown out, or as Trump bellowed, "THROWN OUT!!!" Behold the power of man over candy bar! Bow down to the awesomely mighty garbage can! May your M-azing bar be so lucky to survive! RAH!!!!!!

Well, teams headed out to the venerable Mars corporation and got to work in what appeared to be an empty factory. Meanwhile, Trump implored us to always know your enemy. The small vignette to demonstrate this was Donald driving in a limo and talking on his cell about some upcoming meeting. "Are we meeting at 1 pm?" he asked. Oh, he's good! His enemy wanted to meet then too! The best part of all this was that while Trump spoke into his cell, a big ass carphone hung right next to his giant hair. What was the point of this? Maybe he wanted George to call on the cell and Carolyn to call on the car phone. Then he could go back and forth: "Now I'm talking to Carolyn. Now I'm talking to George. George, have anything to say to Carolyn? Carolyn, you should have heard what George just said about you. Guys, this is the best. You have to try it sometime."

Meanwhile, back at the chocolate factory, Kevin suffered a huge blow as he discovered that the experience was nothing like what he expected. Contrary to what he had believed for nearly thirty years, the Mars corporation was NOT run like Willy Wonka's outfit, and therefore there were no chocolate rivers or oompa loompas or spoiled girls inflating like giant blueberries. It's too bad because all those things were there like a year ago before budget cutbacks. Sorry Kev.

Of course, this didn't stop Kevin from running around like a rogue oompa loompa. The affable guy bustled around the assembly line, giving orders to all the workers about slowing down production. This understandably rankled project manager Ivana because he had not sought out her approval. So what did she do? Tell him to stop or request that he run things by her? No. She just made nasty expressions and crossed her arms. You might think that's being ineffective, but it's really a powerful tactic in corporations modelled around the "Let's not get anything done" paragon.

On the other end of the factory, Team Hair Net - aka Jen and Sandy - were outputting bars at a snail's pace. They were so concerned with inspecting their products that they completely missed two trays of candy bars falling from the conveyor belt into the garbage. It was oddly reminiscent of that classic I Love Lucy episode, except without all the chocolate down the cleavage and such. Of course, the ever watchful Carolyn spied on the girls and witnessed the entire debacle from a tiny window in the corner. So Desperate Housewives. As she watched the chocolate fall off the belt, she simply declared "Genius!" Hey, stop stealing our lines, blondie.

Eventually, it was time for the inspectors to come through and rule with a chocolate fist. Curiously, when they arrived at team Mosaic, Ivana seemed to be presiding over some loud clattering noise. Was she playing roulette or something? Anyway, the inspectors were particularly careful with the products. Sandy whined that every time they broke a bar, it was like a dagger in the heart. Similarly, Ivana commented that the M-azing bars were like little children to her. Good god. Why are these people so attached? You'd think they popped right out of their wombs.

With the production phase over, the next morning the teams set out to actually sell their bars (highest profit would win). Jen and Sandy dolled up in mini skirts and revealing red tops as part of a costume called the "M&M sisters." Apparently, they were the long lost slutty M&Ms. By the way, since when does color coordination make you an M&M? How do we know they're not skittles? Or Reeces Pieces?

Well, the M&M sisters headed down to Wall Street where they could peddle their feminine wares to horny businessmen in need of a morning erection. It was a novel idea, and I must admit, at first I thought the choice of Wall Street over Times Square was curious, but the ladies were shrewd enough to work their audiences well and sell the candy bars for $5 a piece. FIVE DOLLARS!!! I know these guys are horny, but seriously, for that money you can just get a girlie magazine.

Over at Team Passive Aggression, Ivana snarled her candy bars at prospective consumers, but even at the "bargain" price of $2 a bar, she could hardly get any customers. Kevin cut prices on his bars, another move which Ivana disapproved of and yet did absolutely nothing about, but even then, the sweaty group had no buyers. Eventually, some good samaritan came by to alert Ivana that the other team was nearby, dressed scantily, and charging insane amounts for their products. He then casually added "I didn't think they were that attractive." I mean, he bought thirty bars from them, but that's neither here nor there.

So let's put ourselves in Ivana's shoes for a second. You have three people on your team, so you know you've probably output more candy bars than the two person team. You know they're selling for $5 and you're selling yours for $2. What would you do? If you answered "Go onto Jen and Sandy's turf and start a price war," you would be incorrect. If you answered "Go onto Jen and Sandy's turf and say 'If you buy one of mine for $20, I'll drop my skirt,'' then you are correct!

And that's exactly what Ivana did. When she first said it, everyone laughed politely, with Jen and Sandy then noting "She is so obnoxious." Unfortunately for Ivana, rather than stay there right in Jen and Sandy's way, she just walked off, grumbling that the two girls looked like "cheap strippers." Cut to Ivana two minutes later actually removing her skirt to sell a candy bar for $20. You see, Ivana was mad that Sandy and Jen were only looking like cheap strippers and not acting like them too. I'm not sure this is what the Mars Corporation was looking for when The Apprentice came by to market the product. To Ivana's credit, her polka-dotted granny pants were very M&M-esque. Somehow, I don't think Carolyn was very pleased by this wardrobe synergy.

With Ivana's integrity firmly in the shitter, the teams descended upon the boardroom to learn the results of their labor. Turns out that both teams produced roughly the same amount of M-azing bars, but while Ivana's team earned around $500, Sandy and Jen raked in over a grand from their breasty salesmanship. A few hugs and squeals later, Trump asked "Have you ever seen anything like this? They look like sisters!" Uh, have you never seen sisters before? They're pretty common...

Well, did Trump have a prize for the girls! They were going to fly to Chicago and meet... Bill Rancic! Again! Yay! Sandy and Jen tried to hide their disappointment, but we could all see their crestfallen eyes that seemed to say "Can we meet Kwame instead?" But no, they were shipped off to the Windy City where Bill babbled about the perils and challenges of working for Trump - a distinction he'd had for about, oh, two months at the time of taping. Honestly, what does he actually do? His office was tiny.

Back in the loft, Kevin and Ivana prepped themselves for the boardrooom. "I got nothing bad to say about you," said Kevin, in one of the more enjoyable self-dellusions of the season. We'll just wait until we're down in the boardroom, mmkay?

Speaking of the boardroom, life in front of the panel was a bit harsh this week. Even superstar Kelly (who was happily exempt this week) felt the wrath of the Trump clan as the increasingly fiesty George lit into him. Trump put Kevin on the hot seat a little about the whole pricing issue, but it was inevitable that the really big guns would come flying at Ivana.

When the topic of the notorious skirt dropping came to the forefront, Ivana immediately became shrill and defensive, contorting her face and scowling in her patented fashion. Carolyn, sharpening her knives with angry glee, threw her first punch when she reminded Ivana, "We haven't said anything yet, so relax." Not that Ivana's defensiveness suggests that she knows she was a failure or anything...

With her back up against the wall, Ivana tried her hardest to be the tough gal business woman by saying "Look!" every two seconds. As in "Look! I needed to make a move" or "Look! I had to do something drastic" or "Look! I'm an IDIOT!" But if Ivana's tactic was the lob, Carolyn came down with the slam as she snapped "I would stop addressing him [George] as 'look.'" Cut to George tipping his head slightly with his usual "When she's right, she's right" expression.

Eventually, Donald shooed everyone out of the boardroom so he could have his powwow. Ivana stepped up, George said, much to the shock of everyone. Carolyn did NOT agree, citing Ivana's lack of leadership and, you know, her willingness to take off her clothes for money. "This is someone who's gonna run one of your companies," she noted, at which point George nodded his head and said "Oh I forgot about that. I guess that's because we don't actually have Bill doing anything."

Well, our not-so-happy buddies returned to the boardroom where The Donald decided to step up and screw with Ivana, asking her questions like "Who's smarter? You or Kevin?" Of course Kevin was quick to point out his various degrees - Wharton in one year, University of Chicago Law, the College for Lifelong Perspiration. Ivana scoffed at this laundry list of accomplishments, simply writing it off with a quick roll of the eyes as just "education." Yeah, seriously. Since when did "education" or "learning" or "schooling" amount to anything??

Eventually it was time to put Ivana out of her misery as Donald succinctly proclaimed: "I'm not hiring a stripper." And then, in an unprecedented move, he eschewed his usual cobra strike in lieu of a slap on the table and a little finger gun. kaBOOOM! That's right Ivana. You were just virtually shot by Cool Hand Trump. Not even Omarosa got that type of a sendoff. Personally, I would have liked The Donald to have pretended to have hit a homerun or maybe he could have stood up, dropped an imaginary ball and kicked it out of the office. In the end, Ivana angrily strutted out of the building as George sat with a look that seemed to say "I, uh, kind of liked the striptease."

Of course, after every intense boardroom, we always get the jazzy cabride of shame, and in this case Ivana still couldn't come to terms that she had whored herself out for a candy bar. "Carolyn was probably most harsh on me for the 'gimmick,'" she said. Is that what we're calling it now? Well, now I'm horny. Maybe this weekend I'll go to a "Gimmick bar" and watch all that gimmicky dancing.

Oh, and in case I don't have any other opportunities to say it, Ivana, you are a huge idiot.

Twila's House Falls on Ami's Head

I have to hand it Twila. She did something that I thought nobody among Survivor: Vanuatu had the brains to do, ie beat Ami at her own game. Admit it, you never thought it could be done, but it did happen, and all of a sudden there is suspense about the episodes and the outcomes of tribal councils. Returning from the latest tribal council, Ami had some a tougher job ahead of her than we have ever seen before. You know there was going to be conflict, and the new Twila, Scout, Eliza, and Chris pact seemed to be working, but if we have learned anything, it is that Ami is a master manipulator. She has proven she can steer the game in a direction that benefits her, and she was going to have to do just that to stay in the game.

Arriving back at the Alinta camp from the latest tribal council, Ami employed a strategy that many who get blind sided in reality shows try. She tried to guilt everybody in the alliance back onto her side. I call it the Lex school of Survivor post-voting strategy. The main talking point was how Twila could have lied to her about sticking with the all girls plan. Ami accused them of not really liking Eliza, and using her only for their own benefit when it was needed. Now, I am not sure what world Ami is from, but in my world, I watched her write down Eliza's name. She shouldn't complain about people trying to use Eliza to their advantage when she already decided that Eliza's usefulness to her was done. Granted, Ami was not the one who was pushing to get rid of Eliza, but voting for Eliza last week meant thse was down with the plan. Ami also tried to take the sanctimonious moral high ground by saying she couldn't believe Twila had sworn on her son's life. She said it was "yucky" and she completely lost all respect for her. Once again, Ami is living in some alternate universe. On this planet, we all saw when Twila swore on her son's life that she would stick with the plan, that Ami and Leann mocked her in her face. To say that she used Twila's promise to base her trust is a joke. As Ami said it herself, she got a little cocky, and that is what did her in.

For her part, Twila got a little cocky herself. She told Ami she deserved it for acting so high and mighty and better than anybody else. That is more of the reason for the audience to dislike Ami, but it is true for the most part. Ami has had control of this game from the beginning, and depended on being the leader of the girls alliance to get her through, but clearly showed that she thought some people were more important than others in the game, and she never really wanted anything to do with Twila, other than french braiding her hair. Twila took time to congratulate herself saying "I got a great mind sometimes. It's great".

The reward challenge continued the Vanuatu theme of ots of water, lots of difficulty. A water obstacle course was setup, requiring each contestant to swim a little ways out to shore, then make their way across several platforms and outriggers across the water. On the other side of the obstacle, there were three flags tied to posts under the water. The first person to get all three of their flags back won a Pontiac G6 and a spa vacation. The next two people to finish didn't win a car, but got to enjoy the spa along with the first place contestant. It was a very exciting competition, with Eliza and Ami battling for first place, but Eliza finally winning in the end. Chris and Julie battled for first place. They were treading water about to get their last flags and take them back, when Chris asked "Do you want this bad?" in a tone that made you think he was going to make a deal and give up the spa. Instead, he dove down, and raced Julie back to the beach. Chris won, and to add insult to injury, Julie bit it hard in the water on her way back. Twila was never really in the hunt, and Scout managed to return one flag. She is going to be worthless in the endurance challenge, and whoever keeps her in the final three is going to be feeling pretty good about getting a shot at the grand prize. She complained later that if it had been six years earlier, she would have beaten everybody out there physically. Well, you knew of your knee problem when you signed up. SHUT UP ALREADY.

So, Eliza, Ami, and Chris piled into the G6 and drove to the spa. Yes, they drove to the spa. I thought they were out in the middle of nowhere. If they were able to drive to this Spa, it meant that their camp was not as remote as we thought. And it wasn't one of those joke spas that they sometimes pull out that you can tell was temporary. It was an actual structure. Perhaps it was where the staff stayed while they were on the island, and perhaps they left out a helicopter ride someplace between the challenge beach and the spa, but god that really took away a lot of the belief that the Survivors are that far away from civilization. A dirt road is a lot when you are in the middle of the jungle.

Anyway, as expected, everybody enjoyed their time at the spa, and got cleaned up. They also got something to eat, becasuse while Chris and Ami aren't very sickly, Eliza was completely emacieted, and demonstrated as such with a quite disgusting trick with her shoulder blades.The real suspense was going to be how Ami would be able to work her magic on Eliza and Chris. She tried to talk about how secure they should think about breaking up Scout and Twila, and how that would benefit them. Eliza took the bait, but Chris was having none of it. He correctly stated that Ami wasn't making sense. If he and Eliza stuck with the plan, they were guaranteed the final four, and their competition would be Scout and Twila. Unless Survivor drastically changed, Scout is not going to be a factor in the challenges, as mentioned before. Twila has always been fairly strong, but swimming challenges are difficult, and her performance has sort of waned as of late. Ami tried to work Eliza one more time, and tried to talk up about how it would be a shame if Scout would be in the final two, then tried a little reverse psychology by telling Eliza that "she doesn't expect any miracles" and went to sleep.

Back at camp, it was clear what Ami's strategy would be. She would try and win immunity, but if that didn't work, she would need to depend on Eliza and Julie for their votes. Julie is kind of lost right now, and hasn't come up with a strategy to get herself out of her predicament, so she is going to do whatever Ami says. Eliza has all of a sudden come up with these feelings of how great she loves Ami, somehow forgetting that neither Twila or Scout have ever written her name down in a vote. She and Ami proceeded like a couple of Bonobo chimps and started grooming each other. Apparently they forgot to tweeze their eyebrows at the spa, so they were getting some time in right away. While they were doing this, Scout asked for help with gathering wood. I was surprised that Ami would try this isolation technique. Any hopes of her trying to get Twila and Scout to vote for Chris were flying out the window with her laziness around camp.

The immunity competition was a shuffleboard game. Always a staple of reality competitions, and always one of my favorites on survivor. Each survivor had five discs that they had to slide across a large table. The table was sort of a relief map of all the Vanuatu islands, and the person who ended up with the most discs touching any part of an island would win immunity. Once a person was on an island, other people could knock them off, but there were several "volcanos" which were places where the discs would rest and make it impossible to knock that particular disc off the islands. Strategy was non-existant early on, until Julie used her knowledge of math and pool to bank a shot off the side of the table and into a volcano. From then on, a lot of people tried to bank their shots in off the side, but more often than not, it failed. Ami was in the running to win, and foil plans of getting rid of her, but on her last shot, she actually knocked a couple of her pieces off, giving Chris the immunity win.

After immunity, Ami once again tried to work Eliza. Twila told Eliza not to second guess their plan, but was not convinced that Eliza was going to go along. Eliza was still going on and on about how much of a sister Ami was to her, once again forgetting who wrote her name down at the last tribal council. When Twila told Chris she wasn't sure, Chris once again failed to scheme. He said that Eliza would never risk a tie, because then it would go to drawing stones. Now, I am not sure when they changed the Survivor tie procedure, but I thought the first tiebreaker was how many votes a person had first, and then they went to drawing straws among the people who had their names written down. Apparently, that has changed to a process where if there is a tie, the vote will go again, and if it is still tied, the people who were tied would be safe, and the rest of the people would draw stones to see who goes. Slightly confusing, but I guess that explains why Ami was only concerned about the tie and not the win.

At tribal council, Jeff started talking about the woman's alliance, and how it has fallen apart. He called Scout out for saying that she wanted to have the woman's alliance go far, but then broke that plan when it suited her. Jeff was like "Hey, there is no problem with that, but that is what happened". Ami took up that theme, and talked about how she couldn't believe somebody would just disgustingly lie about the thing that meant the most to her, meaning Twila and her son. Twila had none of that and told Ami to "Grow up. Get over it. You've been had. Screw you." SLAM! I love Twila a little more each day. Now, I know Jeff was simply trying to be an antagonist, but I would be remiss to mention that the person who was using the woman's alliance only as far as it could take her was Ami. Ami was 100% women, until she needed to get rid of Lisa. Not only that, she got rid of Lisa in a week where it was quite clear that Leann was the weakest and should have gone home. Julie and Twila weren't there to see that happen, but Scout and Eliza were, and that is the first thing that they should have mentioned when people started talking about using the woman's alliance only as far as it took you. I'm no fan of Scout, but she never voted for Lisa. Her plans changed after the merge, and you can't fault her on that.

There was a lot of suspense in the vote, because I thought Eliza might really vote to keep Ami around. Apparently, she finally remembered that Ami might enjoy her company, but did vote against her. When in doubt, you can't keep a person around that voted for you. Ami was voted out, and it looks like Julie is going to be next. There was a nice moment while they were writing down their votes where Ami showed her true hostility for Scout saying that she saw Scout's dark side, and that "You're no part of any rainbow I've ever seen." OUCH. Scout can't even get any lesbian solidarity. That's gotta hurt.

Ami's gone, but I am kind of sad to see her go. She was a mastermind at the scheming game like we haven't seen since Rob C. rocked the boat during Amazon. If Rob was in her position, I think he would have been able to get himself out of it. Ami was too blinded by her rage for Twila and Scout to realize she had to take a completely different plan of action. She had to make herself seem as small of a threat as possible, but instead showed that she was never going to settle for second place at anybody's table. I'll respect her for sticking to her principles. Like she said, it was more important to her than all the money in the world. But it did get her kicked off the game. Ami Cusack, we'll wait for your return to Playboy once the show is over, and please bring Julie with you.

A New Era of Obvious Twists and Indie Band Promotion

Let's face it, the producers of The OC promised us a lot in the offseason. We were told to expect lots of things to change, and nothing was to be the same. Other than establishing that the Ryan/Marissa and Seth/Summer copulations are coming to an end, the most interesting thing to happen on the show were Summer's strange bangs from last episode. It looked like she got some of those low flow shower heads like that episode of Seinfeld. Oh sure, Caleb's big trial is coming, but Julie Cooper had a husband last year that got in trouble with the feds, and Sandy helped him out, so I have all the faith that Caleb will get off as well. And somehow Seth Cohen went from being that funny but awkward guy who got the hot chick to the annoying and awkward guy who won't shut up. I feel like some of the writers got lost on their way back from Burning Man, and the PAs had to pick up the slack.

Just in case there are some idiots out there that were wondering, Seth hasn't quite rid himself of his Summer bug. He talks about her constantly, and has progressed through the phases of breaking up in a pain-inducing manner. But at least he wants to move on, and the best way to do that is to pick out random girls from his yearbook. Newport is so high-tech these days, I thought some enterprising lad would make up a facebook for high school kids. It's much better to scope your potential mate in person. In my case, it is either from the corner booth of my local bar, or if I am too, uhh, altered or unmotivated, from the balcony of my apartment. For Seth, he tries the quad before class. He and Ryan play the old "yes, no, yes, yes, no" game that all eligible bachelors and their sidekicks play while on the hunt. They are having fun leering when Lindsay just happens upon them and knows what they are doing, which is basically a "rack and/or ass" comparison.

I would have loved to have seen Seth's reaction when he got a load of Marissa. I am not sure what happened to her, but it looked like she took a look at this months's "In Style" magazine, went straight to the "What's Hot" page, and put on everything all at once. This sort of strategy is more of a tactic for Duluth, not Newport, and so Marissa looked like some sort of chimney sweep from a Dickens novel. Hey, it's possible, perhaps the school is putting on a show of Oliver Twist, and Marisss wants to stay in character. Anyway, the writers once again showed their power of making the obvious, well, obvious to the viewer by letting us know that Marissa is always filled with guy drama, whether it's watching your ex-boyfriend hook up with a skank in Tijuana, knwoing your ex-boyfriend hooked up with your mom, or finding out your ex-boyfriend is the father of a child. (Speaking of which, shouldn't we have at least had a cameo appearance from Theresa to see what she was going to do now that she had thrown out the alleged father of her baby?) Summer is doing much better, but we already know she is going to spend another episode trying to convince herself and her new boyfriend that she isn't in love with Seth.

Sandy is sort of enjoying his new found freedom. He only has one client, and so he prepares for his case with a little breakfast with Caleb at the country club, also known as the high school set with nicer tables. By Caleb's demeanor, he was hiding something. He kept on trying to distract Sandy by asking about fritattas all the time, but still looking quite comfortable in his new age Mao Zedong. OK, it might be a stretch, but I have laughed every time I have said Zedong since seventh grade.

Back at the high school, Ryan tries to start and his new mission for the day. When Lindsay came up to interrupt his session with Seth and all the imaginary girlfriends he could have at the school, Seth took an immediate liking to Lindsay, probably because she looks like a poor man's Lindsay Lohan. Well, you would need a lot of ecstasy to confuse the new girl with Lindsay Lohan, but with some work, she could be a Lindsay Cohen. Ha! I'm absolutely hilarious. Ryan had no problem asking Lindsay out for Seth, but the problem was that you could tell he was disappointed that Seth had picked her. The feeling was clearly mutual, because when Ryan got up from his AP Physics/Calculus/Chemistry chair to ask Lindsay out, she was more than happy and agreed right away. When she learned she was going with Seth, her enthusiasm waned, but she tried not to let it show. She can't have Ryan knowing she likes him, after all.

Ryan goes to report back to Seth, who is still putting in the tough hours at his job at the club. Seth sort of feigns that he didn't expect the girl to actually say yes, and since Ryan is the one who actually knows her, he says Ryan should come along. Ryan is kind of reluctant, not wanting to be the third wheel, which gives Seth the great idea of having the manager of the place, Alex, hang out with them. See, Alex is edgy, not so much for authority, and has a tattoo. Obviously the dream girl for anybody from Chino, especially if they love wristbands.

So, Seth has a date, Ryan has a date, and we presume Summer is going with Zach, which only leaves Marissa without a date to the thing. Never fear, there is always DJ, the hot yard guy who was tapping her all summer. She nonchalantly strolls up to him while he is working. He was fired from her house, but he sees his truck in the driveway. Now it's hard to imagine that DJ is under 30, and it's even harder to believe he is a some farm laborer. First, his truck, a 2004 Toyota Tundra, is about 15 years too new for any real yard laborer to be driving. Secondly, there aren't any rakes, weed trimmers, water hoses, or lawn mowers stuffed in the back. Third, could it kill them to at least have the guy fake some sort of accent. Fourth, are we supposed to believe he is the only gardener in the entire 949 that doesn't wear one of those green uniforms and a Lakers hat to work everyday? Whatever. Marissa tries to reconcile with DJ, because she knows that Ryan has a date, and says she is going to see a band this weekend, and he should meet her there if she is interested.

Yes, you heard me, there is going to be another band playing this week. Apparently the writers have completely run out of venues for our gang to hang out, so any group social meeting with the teenagers will have to have the background of a concert. It also enables the show to offer many more indie bands opportunities to sell out and by appearing on the show. This week's band was The Killers, who I am told have been losing Indie cred, with appearances on Top 40 radio and Conan. Perhaps The Shins next week? Who knows.

As big of a disaster as we all know the concert is going to be, Julie Cooper seems to be doing an even better job of screwing things up at the Newport Group. The power of CEO has gone a little to her head, and she constantly tries to prove to Kirsten that she can run the company. In reality, she handles investors about as well as she does a ficus tree. When she goes to Jimmy for help, he mocks her a little bit, but does remind her that she knows better than anybody else how to get money from rich old men. What better way to schmooze than to throw a party? And since Kirsten would never approve of such a thing, Julie decides to do the whole shebang at the Cohen's house. Kirsten is sort of shocked, but with investors coming over, she doesn't want to argue. Besides, Julie has got a full bar going, and we know Kirsten LOVES to drink. Julie works the crowd like nobody else can, mainly by subtle little body language signals that get guys thinking about something other than how much money they are spending. You know, things like laughing at dumb jokes, a hand on the arm or shoulder, a slight ass graze, a little bend over to show cleavage, many of the same methods waitresses employ to get money from drunk men. 10-1 there is an episode on this season where we learn Julie was a stripper when she met Jimmy.

Sandy didn't stick around for the party, but not for the reason one would think. Although he is Caleb's counsel, Sandy gets the distinct feeling his client has something to hide. Caleb is being tried for bribery, and Sandy has tracked down some money Caleb was funneling off into a slush fund, and the name of the woman who was supposed to be running the fund. Caleb sent Sandy on a couple of wild goose chases on leads about the fund, so when he learned from Julie that Caleb was meeting an old friend that night, our man Sanford decided to do a little snooping of his own. And what do you know, but Caleb Nichol is handing a huge envelope of money to an unidentified woman. Later, Sandy confronts Caleb in the bar, who says ominously that he better stay out of it, or shit is going to get rough. Of course, this was all said while he was drinking a hot tottie, so how serious can he be?

As I said before, the concert was shaping up to be a disaster. Seth was not really that interested in Lindsay, and she shared the same sentiment. Ryan and Alex likewise could care less for each other. He managed to get into every AP class at his high school, but when his date asked how he liked live music, he for some reason said "not really". Oh, well I guess you aren't going to get along with the manager of this place. The drama lasted long enough for the band to go through four songs, or what we call an eternity here in television land. On cue, Zach, Summer, and Marissa walked in. On cue, the two awkward groups of teenagers saw each other. On cue, Summer started obsessing about Seth, and Seth obsessing about Summer to their respective dates. Also on cue, Zach and Lindsay became disgusted and decided to bail. It gave us yet another instance where Seth tries to corner Summer into talking with him, but she once again brushes him off.

Zach and Summer go back to her place, where they can watch the first season of The Valley on DVD. Oh, I get it. The Valley DVD is cool, just like in the real world The OC DVD is cool. I guess seeing the promo every 15 minutes on FOX is not enough to remind us to go out and buy. Either that or the writers want to see how ironic they can be by beating The Valley joke to death more and more every week.

It's now time for damage control. Ryan apologizes for the whole thing to Lindsay, and they awkwardly mention how they really wanted to go out with each other, and not with the people they were set up with. Naturally, this gives them time to get closer while they chat away at the bus stop in Newport. Looks like Lindsay didn't have to get back to NoHO anytime soon. Seth also apologizes to Alex. Now Alex is a hottie, but she has the worst hair and the most obviously fake tattoo I have ever seen. She is argumentative, and tells Seth that he should shut up about Summer, which naturally segues into her kissing Seth and going for ice cream. Oh, the double dates with these four are going to be, well, very shitty and painful.

What about Marissa? Well, she saw DJ at the concert, but he kind of brushed her off. Thankfully, DJ knows her favorite drinking spot at the beach, and he joins her in the lifeguard tower, where I am sure he will watch her as she finishes a flask of vodka, film them having sex, and let it leak on the internet. The OC *loves* imitating real life.

"Hey!" Count: Episode - 4, Season Total - 22

A Very Special Real World

Social issues and Bunim/Murray have always had a perilous relationship. On the one hand, The Real World does showcase pressing and controversial topics such as abortion, gay rights, and drunken hookups. But on the other hand, the show handles these sensitive areas with such a clumsy, anecdotal approach that we sort of wish the producers had never touched the issues in the first place. So begins my disclaimer on this week's blandtastic take on the Mentally Challenged and Physically Disabled (I use caps to emphasize their place on the Real World's Pedro-Zamora-Makes-Us-Socially-Important scale). Once again, the double headed monster of Landon and Shavonda took the helm of this week's ethically-minded storylines, and wouldn't you know it? The show sucked. But not for lack of trying.

The show started off at a rousing Arena Football game where the Philly Soul battled the New York Not Quite NFLers. This was rather refreshing for me since I had forgotten that the Soul actually play football. For a moment there, I thought it was a professional playground assembly team. On the bus ride back from New Yawk, Landon suddenly spotted a hottie — or maybe a cutie... or actually, just a very average looking girl — sitting a few rows ahead of him. This was Gina from accounting - aka my worst nightmare for the next 22 minutes. Granted, she seemed perfectly fine, but her participation in a Landon-centric plot already had me hating her.

Anyway, in a time tested move that's employed by third graders across the country, Landon invited Gina to come sit with him in the back of the bus. Oooh. Landon and Gina sitting in a tree... The two had a great heart to heart. About what I don't know. Maybe the virtues of curly hair? Landon chirped in an interview that Gina was really cute and sweet. Uh, who ISN'T cute and sweet to you, Landon? Landon will go to a butcher and say "That big hairy guy behind the counter? He's really cute and sweet."

Well, Landon brought the cute and sweet Gina back to the mansion where the wicked witch of the west - aka Shavonda - was presiding. Cue the angry music. I would love if some clown came running into the house and smacked Shavonda in the face with a frying pan. I mean, I guess anyone could do it, but a clown doing it would be sensational. Anyway, Shavonda was clearly displeased with Landon's choice of women again, but this time she had some extra moral ground to work with. You see, the Soul has this little No Fraternization policy which means that interns are not allowed to canoodle with employees. Sadly, it seemed as though Landon thought No Fraternization meant he couldn't start up a Philly Soul fraternity. Too bad. He already had a bunch of Phi Sigma jerseys ordered.

Interestingly enough, the producers decided to use Shavonda's bitterness as a segueway into her fear of the mentally challenged. Yeah, it was an odd transition. Turns out the roomies were to help out at a charity walk-a-thon to help disabled and special needs children. Not a problem, right? WRONG. This is Shavonda we're talking about. She revealed that she has a deep seeded fear of the mentally handicapped which may be problematic if she ever wishes to co-mingle with Tina and Coral and the like in future Real World/Road Rules Challenges. But seriously, Shavonda was Scared with a capital S of the kids. Why you ask? Childhood trauma. Ain't that always the case?

So let's take a couch trip down through the dark recesses of Shavonda's inner psyche and find out what horrific event summoned this unrelenting fear of mentally challenged kids. Maybe she was kidnapped by a nomadic clan of special needs children. Or maybe a mentally challenged boy killed her entire family. No. It was worse. Much worse.

When Shavonda was little, the teachers at school used to let the special needs kids out during recess. YES. During recess! Didn't they realize that was the time for normal - and therefore better - children to play and have fun??? Well, apparently not because those kids came pouring out of their classroom and their arms were flailing about and yes, Shavonda was pushed out of the way at a swingset. No, she wasn't pushed OFF a swingset. She was pushed NEAR a swingset. The horror! I wonder if Shavonda still wakes up in the middle of the night with nightmares of the brutal shoving.

Now, if you think I am bullshitting, you are sadly wrong. Shavonda did cite a harsh swingset altercation as the source of her nagging fears. In fact, she went so far as to chat with her Soul supervisor about this problem. She basically said, "Look, I'll try my best, but if I get freaked out, I don't want to work with the kids." Around this time, the little PC bug in me kicked in. Isn't this like the worst outlook EVER? I don't think Shavonda would like it very much if someone said the same things she was saying, except about black people. That might be, you know, RACIST. So while Shavonda has a right to feel intimidated, her dismissive outlook sort of makes her look like a huge jerk. Well, that and the fact that she's so damn annoying.

With Landon's ethical dilemma and Shavonda's lack of tolerance, poor Mel was stuck having to choose which person to condescendingly pass judgment on. Her choice? Shavonda! Mel rolled her eyes and groaned "Shavonda! You have such a FEAR! You should face it." I can't say that I disagreed with Mel, but I did enjoy stubborn Shavonda sneer her displeasure. As soon as Mel left, she squawked "Mel's so judgmental!" I really wish the producers had cut to a montage of Shavonda calling all of Landon's girls sluts. But seriously, Mel shouldn't be so judgmental of Shavonda. It's not like Shavonda is mentally challenged and therefore an open target for judgment.

AHH! Sorry, I had a gripping flashback to Shavonda's swingset incident.

Well, after that brutal memory, I can certainly understand why Shavonda ultimately declared that "If I don't want to do it, I don't want to do it." Yes, the motto for Real World work ethics. That poor kid in a wheelchair may need some assistance, but if Shavonda don't want to do it, that poor kid's gonna have to just chill. I would say "slow your roll" but that would have a really mean unintended pun.

While Shavonda grappled with her demons, Landon and Gina inched closer to crossing the No Fraternization line. Landon brought his lady friend to Glam - aka the resident hookup bar with the gayish name - where the two continued their incessant flirting. Gina warned Landon that no one can know if they fraternize, which made me want to whisper "We can see you! We're right here!" Eventually there was some kissy kissy and hanky panky and blandy blandy, and the lovebirds finally went their separate ways for the night. Once at home, Landon pulled out Gina's number and gave her a ring to make sure she made it home safely. It was fairly peculiar because we heard Landon say "Gina?" and then the producers wrote "Gina" on the screen and pointed to the little card with her number. THANKS. I think we figured it out though. It's not that hard to deduce that the number he dialed which resulted in him saying "Gina" was in fact Gina's number. Who do they think we are? Shavonda's worst enemies?

Speaking of the Shav to the On to the Da, the dreaded walk-a-thon was upon us. Dunh dunh dunh. The group's chipper leader informed them that they'd either be working registration, working with players, or working with a sponsor family. So basically Shavonda's fears of being submerged in a teeming crowd of mentally challenged kids was completely unfounded. Imagine that. Of course, why Shavonda felt threatened by a five year old is beyond me.

Even in this non-threatening environment, Shavonda still seemed deeply uncomfortable. When paired with a sponsor family, she slunk off to the corner and borderline glared at the little girl with Muscular Dystrophy and then crowed her surprise at how her family treated their daughter normally. Wow! You mean they didn't treat her like a retard!!! Sigh.

At the end of the day, Shavonda was so proud of herself (when isn't she?) that she called up pseudo boyfriend Shaun, who has become the tumor-like add on to this season's cast. She babbled to him about how wonderful everything was and how she was getting over her fear of special needs kids and blah blah blah she's an idiot.

With that storyline neatly wrapped up, we only had Landon left to deal with. He and Gina from accounting were at the walk-a-thon too, and unwisely they chose to swap spit right at the end. That is SO not Soul. The next day, the CFO of the company - yes, the CFO - lectured the Real World interns about fraternization. Wow, so this Arena Football team must really suck if the CFO has the time to enforce anti-fraternization rules. Isn't there some ornery Human Resources person who can take care of this? I mean, they LIVE for these types of moments.

The entire intervention was quite passive aggressive because it was clearly directed all towards Landon. For a moment he feared losing his job, and if you lose your job on the Real World now, you get booted from the show. Upon hearing this new stipulation, I instantly wanted Landon to fraternize with every Soul employee, even Mimi the CFO. Alas, he kept his job, even though we later found out he had touched Gina's boob. Mel, still sweating about not getting a word in edgewise, complained to Willie about the Soul not reprimanding Landon. Well, somebody's got to do it. Why not Mel? Amazingly, we were deprived of seeing any sort of Mel passive aggression. Instead we saw the boring anti-climax of Landon breaking up with Gina from accounting. He didn't want to get her fired, and she should really be dating guys that can make her truly happy, like Ned from graphics or Paul from payroll. And so ended Landon's foray into corporate scandal. We can only hope the next ethical crossroads will be so boring.

Having Two Daddy's Is So Trendy

After TvGasm's very own, B-Sides investigative journalism turned up info on the sexual preference of Victor Garber, I took it upon myself to solve the equally as sexually ambiguous TV Superstar Bobby Trendy. I once heard someone refer to him as a homosexual, but I for one could to believe it. He's not gay, he's just luxurious.

I began and ended my investigation at his dizzying website. I managed to work my way into his photo section, where I noticed something. If you look really hard, from the right angle, it almost looks like he has some sort of make-up on. Or perhaps even sculpted eye-brows. Proof he tongue punches the dirt patch? At first glance it may be but a closer inspection in his website begins to make me think not. In all his celebrity photos I see Bobby and Carmen Electra, Bobby and Jessica Simpson, Bobby and Paris Hilton and her slut posse. This is when I realized, the make-up, the eye-brows all of it a total ploy. You know, get hot trim to trust you more when they think you understand their ways. Really, Bobby Trendy is quite possibly the biggest pimp daddy in LA. All being Fem to pull the hot ass Paris tail. Bobby Trendy, nicely done. You are a Man among Men.

Final Verdict: BOBBY TRENDY IS NOT GAY. Another TVgasm mystery solved!

Money Can't Buy Me Tact!

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a racist bitch.
Who thought she could say any anything,
'Cause her husband was filthy rich.

Her mate was a mighty wealthy man,
Her tit's are fake for sure,
Everybody hated her,
Cause she was a racist whore,
A jabbering, racist whore.

The rest of the island hated her,
Even her own team.
She never had anything nice to say,
about Jews Blacks or Gays.
About Jews, Blacks or Gays.

The shipmates got rid of her last night with a smile,
Yep, Gilligan,
The skipper too,
Got rid of the millionaire and his wife,
Even the movie star,
The proffessor and Mary Ann (also known as "the rest")
All hated millionaire's wife.

Full Review after the Jump...

First Gilligan's Island, then Survivor, then Lost, now back to Gilligan's Island. Being stranded on an uncharted desert island is hot hot business in the new TV Landscape. And as though designed to prove Elton John's "Circle of Life" theory, television has gone back Giligan's Island for a ratings boost this week.

In just two nights, TBS which is known for such hits as SEX & THE CITY (reruns), SEINFELD (reruns), THE COSBY SHOW (reruns) and even FRIENDS (reruns), has already aired 3 full hours of its venture into the scary world of ummm...not reruns.

Setting 2 teams of "castaways" against one another, each week a pair of characters go up against one another in a head to head competition. The loser is then banished to the other side of the island, and the winner has earned the right to be the castaway who will get rescued. When the two Mary Ann's went head to head, I kept thinking maybe they will have to mud wrestle topless in the lagoon, sadly all that had to do was play with their coconuts until they squirt enough milk.

Last night, it was the millionaires turn. Setting Glenn and Mindy Stearns against Bill and Donna Beavens. Glenn and Mindy are youthful and attractive, and unless Im mistaken, Mindy is an Oprah discovery. A woman who could do Cock calls on command. While crooning cocks on The O Show, one cock came a callin'; she managed to call upon a 500 million dollar cock.

I swear to god, on the life of my mom, I have seen maybe 2 episodes of Oprah, and that one just happened to be one. I am concerned my snarky cred may drop if you think I am an Oprah fan.

Bill and Donna Beavens are the more the Jerry Springer trailer trash of the millionaire world. The Stearns' are hovering at about $500,000,000 while the racist Beavens' have a pitiful "Under $3,000,000" according to the show.

THE GOOD THE BAD

Ever since her initial clash with the gay professor, Donna Beaven's has been rubbing everyone the wrong way and it was in little doubt who the castaway's were hoping would leave. After noshing on some cow brains, boars nuts, and chicken anus the losers were announced and the Beaven's were on their way home.

So far, the show is working out the way I personally want. the people I like are staying, the people I dont like are going. Speaking of people I like......

MMMMMMM MARY ANN

So in a nutshell, the show is silly to say the least. If you didn't catch it, you may want to set your TiVO for TBS Saturday morning 8am - 11am when they will re-air the three episodes back to back. Once you start from the top of the show, you may find yourself coming back. Though, if you just hop in next week, I would venture to guess you would just be bored.

UP NEXT WEEK

GINGER VS. GINGER

I'm definately a Mary Ann guy. When Rachel Hunter said she had no panties on, I was kinda worried her nuts would fall out of her dress.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 11:14 AM | Comments (6)