By m_ruv and B-Side

FINALLY. After a red wine-, Xanax-, and whippets-induced delay of which only Margot Kidder or Tom Sizemore could be proud, TVgasm presents minute-by-minute Academy Awards coverage—a Herculean (or perhaps Hecheian) bi-coastal effort brought to you by TVgasm's Los Angeles and New York offices in tandem.

The Red Carpet
I know B-Side already provided live commentary on the red carpet, but I really do feel a need to comment myself. The moment I turn on the TV at 4:29pm, eager for Oscar coverage, the first thing I see is Star Jones "interviewing" Clive Owen. The awkwardness level is best left undescribed.

Hoping for greener pastures, I switch to TV Guide Channel, only to find Joan Rivers attempting to chat up Virginia Madsen, clearly with no idea who Ms. Madsen is or why she's there. So back to E! for "relief," only to find that Star Jones WILL NOT SHUT UP about "glamazons." She seems to think every woman she meets should be called a "glamazon." Little does Star know that, in New York City at least, the Glamazons are a troupe of plus-size women who do burlesque acts downtown. Or who knows, maybe that's the comparison she's going for. Although my guess is that she's probably just thinking about the buffet.

Seriously, by 5:02pm, I'm already at merriam-webster.com looking up synonyms for "awful," because between Star Jones, Kathy Griffin, Joan and Melissa Rivers, and Billy Bush, I certainly am gonna need them. Thankfully, the show is about to start.

5:30pm
The awards ceremony begins with the standard masturbatory movie montage, this time narrated by Dustin Hoffman, waxing poetic and self-important about the universality of movies, the poetry of onscreen gun violence, etc. Platitudes and banalities abound, warming the pacemaker-controlled hearts of drooling, wheelchair-bound Academy members everywhere.

5:34pm
The announcer introduces host Chris Rock. About 900 pairs of Depends undergarments in the elderly white audience are suddenly, umm, laden. Mr. Rock's first words are "Sit yo asses down." He welcomes us to the "77th and last Academy Awards." This could be a good night.

5:35pm
Mr. Rock mentions that there'll be singing, dancing, and shooting—and the cameras cut immediately to P. Diddy. Then Prof. Rock informs us that "You doing a movie about the past, you best to get Russell [Crowe]'s ass." My god, this is stellar. His voice alone should get a lifetime achievement award.

5:42pm
Oprah is shocked by the aggressively urban monologue. "Goodness me, those Negroes!" she thinks.

5:43pm
Obligatory shout-out to U.S. troops fighting in Iraq as Hollywood tries to cover its leftist ass.

5:44pm
Halle Berry comes out to present Best Art Direction. Damn, she really is one of those people who just cannot ever look bad. But why is Art Direction first rather than Supporting Actress? And it appears the nominees are gonna be onstage this time as the winner is announced. This is odd. Anyway, The Aviator gets its first Oscar. Lame.

5:47pm
In immediate, sharp, and unflattering contrast to Halle Berry, disaster Renée Zellweger comes out to present Best Supporting Actor. Ms. Zellweger looks, and is, awful. Attempting to be a geisha, she fails miserably; geishas are exotically pale, you dumb ho, not hideously pasty.

I'm coy.

5:50pm
Finally, Morgan Freeman wins. Thank god. Cynical as I may try to be, this is really nice. But never fear, I'm sure John Travolta or somebody will ruin it later. Aww, Morgan Freeman and Clint Eastwood are so cute together. Don't you just wanna see them move to Vermont and get a civil union?

5:54pm
Robin Williams comes out and does every impression he can think of. I've long figured he'd need euthanasia, or at least sedation, sometime. Maybe now is that time.

6:00pm
Ooh, the producers are getting fancy. Cate Blanchett is presenting not from onstage but from within the audience, from one of the aisles. For those keeping score at home, the BLANchett/blanCHETT watch is at 1:3 right now.

Cate Blanchett avoids eye contact with the non-celebrities, who thankfully have been safely quarantined from the stage.

6:02pm
Always-a-presenter-never-a-nominee Drew Barrymore introduces the first performance for Original Song. It's Beyoncé, in full tennis-ball-chic makeup. Seriously, I haven't seen green eyeshadow like that since my days backstage at Starlight Express.

6:03pm
Beyoncé is singing en français (or at least trying). For once she's actually attempting to earn that damn accent mark on her name.

6:11pm
As a funny experiment, they put Chris Rock back in his element and send him to the Magic Johnson Theatres in South Central. We're treated to our first "you're really up on me," "baby's daddy," and "kiss my black ass" of the evening.

6:13pm
Veering back to WASPiness, we now have Scarlett Johansson, reviewing the Scientific and Technical Awards, no less. Appropriately enough, Ms. Johansson, famous for easy access to her box, is presenting from a box. I love subtle touches like that.

6:16pm
Ridiculously, they pair 007 actor Pierce Brosnan with the award for Best Costume Design. What's next, Marlee Matlin presenting Sound Editing?

6:20pm
Cate Blanchett wins Best Supporting Actress. With the BLANchett/blanCHETT watch at 1:5, I think we've settled the ages-old mystery and can settle on blanCHETT. I love Ms. Blanchett, but her speech is oddly cold, unemotional, and academic, relating her "indescribable surprise and honoUr" at winning. Please honey, you're not such a good actor onstage—we all know the bookies had you pegged by 2:1 odds. Just say thanks and go drink.

6:28pm
Time for the inevitable Johnny Carson tribute. It's funny to watch Chris Rock try to navigate the schizophrenic about-faces from urban-bling to elderly-WASP. The producers try to smooth the black-white transition with some Carson-nostalgia interview clips from Whoopi Goldberg, but I'm not fooled—we all know she's a cracker-ass lesbian deep down.

6:35pm
The announcer introduces "the lovable Mike Myers" to introduce the song from Shrek 2. I could see "doughy" or "squinty," but certainly not "lovable." Counting Crows comes out to sing, with Adam Duritz, as always, looking like a live-action Sideshow Bob. Really, what is he thinking.

6:40pm
An elaborate joke setup with Adam Sandler and a non-present Catherine Zeta-Jones falls crashingly flat. Bravo.

6:45pm
Jake Gyllenhaal and Zhang Ziyi, inexplicably introduced as "Z.Z. Yang," come out to present Best Visual Effects. The skinhead shit doesnt work for you Jake. Try dowdy and frumpy; it seems to work for your sister.

6:46pm
Nice quick camera cut to the lesbian clapping section. Oddly, Marcia Cross is missing.

6:47pm
Oh great. It's the low point of every year, Academy president Frank Pierson. Seriously, this guy has more momentum-killing power than Star Jones at the carving station. He claims his "sermon is going to be brief," and god do I want to believe it.

6:49pm
Al Pacino comes out to present the honorary Oscar for this year, to director Sidney Lumet. While Mr. Lumet may be most famous for his body of work, his greatest contributions may be his two voluptuous daughters, whose titanic mammaries threaten to burst forth at any second. Extra props to Lumet for transforming Vin Diesel into the thuggish lawyer we always knew he could be.

Just exactly who ARE these women in Sidney Lumet's box?

Why it's Paula Abdul and Camilla Parker Bowles!

7:05pm
Emmy Rossum comes out to present the song from Phantom of the Opera. Jesus, it's Beyoncé again. What, Sarah Brightman wasn't available? Beyoncé stands tall and isolated over the musicians, but luckily a wayward Phantom of the Oscars is present to escort her down to normal altitudes. The camera zooms in close to the bejeweled Beyoncé, and I fully expect her at any moment to exclaim "WHITE DIAMONDS!"

7:07pm
My god, the song is awful. It's saved by a quick cut to Prince, the nearest "black" audience member they could find.

And the Oscar for Best Beyoncé Performance at the Academy Awards goes to... Beyoncé for her portrayal of Beyoncé at the Academy Awards!

7:08pm
They just introduced presenter Jeremy Irons as a "comedy superstar." Is there crystal meth in this wine?

7:09pm
Mr. Burns—uh, I mean Mr. Irons—emerges from his crypt and appears in the audience. Dressed like Mozart without the wig, he recites the nominees for Best Short Film. He is unfazed by a loud bang in the background and even goes so far as to make a witty joke. Sadly, we later learn that Don Cheadle has been shot by a coked-up Imelda Staunton.

7:10pm
What is with Laura Linney and hideous, caked-on makeup at awards shows? She did the same thing at the Tonys. For god's sake, next time use a brush, not a spatula. Anyway, she gets stuck with man-on-the-street duty as she too patrols the audience for spare nominees. She proudly asserts that animation is "an industry that has amused billions of people in millions of audiences in thousands of theaters in hundreds of towns." Okay, you know your factors of ten. GREAT. Maybe you'd like to do a logarithm, just to shake things up.

7:18pm
Ah, black-Jew jokes. I was waiting for those.

7:20pm
Holy shit, Chris Rock says "You won't be able to take your eyes off these next four presenters, Penélope Cruz and Salma Hayek." Reread that and then take bets on what the FCC fine will be.

7:21pm
Why is it so funny to hear Ms. Cruz and Ms. Hayek talking together? I don't really listen to what they're really talking about since I'm imagining them both saying "Frida! Frida! Frida!"

7:35pm
The announcer tells us to please welcome Academy Award loser Natalie Portman. Ms. Portman says that the films she's presenting "are this year's outstanding nominees for Best Documentary Short Subject, and I applaud them." AS DO THY LOYAL SUBJECTS, QUEEN AMIDALA.

7:37pm
Taking the creepy award of the night, the Dick-Cheneyesque winner of Best Documentary Short Subject says he's been rehearsing his acceptance speech in the bathtub since age eight. Sadly, the speech doesn't live up to my suddenly lofty expectations. Thankfully, blatant cutoff music ensues, embarrassing all.

7:40pm
Random observation, but what's with the six-foot-four spokesmodels they have flanking the stage this year? I mean they usually have models, but they're not usually, like, GIANT MEN. One of them looks like Melania Knauss, but she's probably busy polishing Donald Trump's Oscar, if you know what I mean.

7:41pm
Jan Kaczmarek wins for his Finding Neverland score. Question: Have you ever seen Jan Kaczmarek and Jane Kaczmarek in the same room? I didn't think so.

7:47pm
Three-time Academy Award loser Annette Bening takes the stage. She tells us, "You may recognize my hairstyle from such Japanese video games as Final Fantasy VIII and Dragonball Z." And why is she onstage? Ah, to usher in the much-awaited DEATH/POPULARITY MONTAGE. "Now hear an internationally acclaimed soloist performing the sarabande from the Sixth Unaccompanied Suite for Cello by Johann Sebastian Bach... ladies and gentlemen, Beyoncé." Actually, our only non-Sandra Oh Asian of the night, Yo-Yo Ma, comes out instead. But rather than play a cello, he sits Beyoncé on his lap and runs his bow across her stomach.

7:51pm
It's that time again! Who's the most popular dead person!?! We start off strongly with Ronald Reagan. Oooh, hard to beat that: he was an actor AND a president. Carrie Snodgrass gets a major snub with barely any applause whatsoever—a major blow to the Snodgrass lobby. Phil Gersh gets a round of applause, but mostly from the agents at Gersh. Too "inside." Jerry Orbach, late of Dirty Dancing and cancer, surprises everyone by stealing the lead. Baby's been put in the corner, and her name is Ronald Reagan! Oh but wait! Janet Leigh bitchslaps Jerry Orbach back into the grave as she snags the popularity vote for herself. We like Janet, but she can't hold onto this title for very long. She's like the Riddick Bowe of dead people. Janet makes short work of a few film composers, but you can't beat a man in a wheelchair. That's right, Christopher Reeve comes rolling right out of heaven to lay claim to most popular dead person. Not even Ossie Davis or Rodney Dangerfield can top him. It looks like he's got this one in the can, ladies and gentlemen. But wait, what's that sound? It's a thunderous ovation. AWWW SHIT! Marlon Brando in the HIZZOUSE! Christopher Reeve throws in the towel. It's over! Brando takes it! The curse is over! Boston wins!

7:55pm
Okay, back to reality, where they have P. Diddy introducing the song from Polar Express. Finally, a combination that makes sense. In any case, he calls Polar Express "hip" and "creative." Either he has a very dry sense of humor or he's lobbying to be in The Da Vinci Code with Tom Hanks.

7:56pm
Mr. Combs introduces the fifth and final song: a duet/shrieking duel between Beyoncé and Josh Groban. Finally! I'd been waiting all night for Mr. Groban's dull, ear-numbing voice. The singers share the stage with a giant locomotive, which I pray roars to life and runs over Mr. Groban. Sadly, he remains intact. I cry. And what's with Beyoncé's THIRD APPEARANCE? Couldn't they at least dig up Debbie Harry? Alannah Myles? One of the Weather Girls?

8:00pm
Prince presents the nominees for Best Original Song. We try to look the other way as he slowly undresses Helen Mirren with his eyes. The artist formerly known as the pin on Johnny Depp's collar announces the winner for Best Original Song to be that crappy dirge Salma Hayek loved so much. The winner, rather than thank the Academy, just sings his own song in Spanish once again. Shut up Nando, we heard it already.

8:02pm
My friend points out that Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith are just a bizarro, surgery-scarred version of Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn. How did I not notice that before.

Antonio Banderas could probably use a little more molasses in his hair. Where's Benicio Del Toro when you need him?

8:04pm
Sean Penn is out to present Best Actress, looking catastrophically exfoliated.

8:06pm
Meet Hilary Swank, a girl from a trailer park who had a dream. Despite the fact that she's wearing a set of K-mart drapes, with the highest neckline known to man (or transman), her breathless and heartfelt acceptance speech manages to be to be endearing. Chad Lowe makes his repeat appearance as most feminine husband ever. Despite an attempted cutoff from the Academy orchestra, Ms. Swank's inevitable Clint Eastwood blowjob ensues. Hell, she's done it ten times already, what's one more. As she's being ushered offstage, Ms. Swank shouts "WAIT!" Good god! Whom, pray tell, has she forgotten? Is there a dying relative in need of a mention? No. Hilary urgently thanks her publicist and then sashays off, retroactively destroying the entire dramatic impact of her speech. Yes, the Oscars are all about the art, people.

8:09pm
The announcer says "we'll be back with Gwyneth Paltrow." Holy shit, I better cancel my dinner plans.

8:13pm
Ms. Paltrow informs us sadly that because of time restrictions, she won't be able to introduce all the Best Foreign Film nominees in their respective languages. Instead, she'll use her native tongue, Poseur.

8:23pm
Mercifully non-tantastic Charlize Theron arrives onstage but unfortunately is unable to disentangle herself from the roll of chiffon she's stumbled into. She announces that she's presenting the award for Best Actor. Well, I guess it's that time of the night. Commence bracing for cloying Jamie Foxx speech...

8:25pm
In an admirable display of professionalism and dedication to his craft, Mr. Foxx puts out his own eyes just to get into character for his acceptance speech. Out, vile jelly!

8:26pm
Jamie Foxx wins the Oscar. Yay. Man, I hope he does some Ray Charles stuff. Maybe that "oooh, ahhh" thing. Sure enough, he does! Wow, that was really unexpected. Hey, he should thank his grandma too! In the audience, Salma Hayek clutches her chest: "That was almost as beautiful as that Motorcyle Diaries song! Frida." Mr. Foxx thanks his cute daughter, who smiles proudly. "Thanks daddy! Can you fix my teeth now?" Jamie finally gets back on script as he says, "My grandmother's no longer here." OH REALLY? I didn't know that from the fifty other times you mentioned her at award shows. Why don't you tell us about her influence? "She still talks to me in my dreams," Jamie says tearfully. Ah yes. That's the stuff. Well rehearsed! Well rehearsed indeed!

8:30pm
I can't help but note that at Mr. Foxx's mention of the "African-American Dream," Oprah Herself gives a black-power/mad-props fist. Sheeeit. If only Phylicia Rashad were here.

8:32pm
Julia Roberts strolls onto the stage, still apparently loving her life (and nursing too, vavavoom!). "Happy Birthday Marva!" she says at the outset of her presentation. Hey Marva, tell your friend Julia to shut up and read the nominations.

8:34pm
Clint Eastwood becomes the third actor-turned-director (behind Robert Redford and, gulp, Kevin Costner) to beat Martin Scorsese for Best Director. Mr. Eastwood's acceptance speech is humble and thoughtful, and the audience gasps with joy upon learning that his 96-year-old mother is still alive AND in their presence. Yay Clint Eastwood's mom! Prince then has sex with her.

8:36pm
In a new low, a bored, possibly drunk Dustin Hoffman presents Best Picture, accompanied by fellow Focker Barbra Streisand. The two stumble over their lines in an oh-so-comical manner that only Warren Beatty seems to appreciate. Could they have TRIED to rehearse? In any case, Million Dollar Baby wins (yes!), and Martin Scorsese excuses himself to shoot his brains out in the bathroom. Hey Marty, here's how to win an Oscar: make a good movie.

Hooray!

Posted by at 8:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (23)

The OC is in trouble. The once witty and addictive show has hit the skids this season, and if the writers don't act quickly, they'll effectively alienate most of their audience. I've always been a big booster of The OC. I think the show has great potential, but somewhere along the line the writers and producers lost sight of what makes the show work in favor of what they think will make them popular. Yes, there will always be people who think The OC can do no wrong, and there will always be people who think The OC will always be crap. But for everyone else in between —  and I think it's safe to say that's the majority of the viewers (based on no statistical evidence whatsoever) — The OC has become a frustrating experience. We approach each episode thinking "This will be the one where they bring back the magic," but by the end of the show we're usually disappointed, wishing we'd spent less time with The Killers and more time with the characters.

Luckily, we here at TVgasm are always happy to lend our services to an ailing show. After careful analysis, we've come up with a (lengthy) set of guidelines to steer The OC back on course. Our advice after the jump...

Last season, The OC quickly gained that ever-elusive status of "buzz-worthy". That's because what looked like a simple teen soap turned out to be a cleverly written, multi-layered show that adults could not only enjoy but recommend to their peers. The series was a fun mix of classism, witty banter, and pulpy story lines. Tonally, the show worked best when it kept things light and funny with occasional touches of darkness. A multi-episode run featuring a hectic Thanksgiving, a cotillion gone wrong, a gay outing, and the famed Chrismakkuh celebration served as the golden age for this show. Those episodes featured minimum brooding and a complex interweaving of all the characters in each other's stories.

These days, Desperate Housewives has effectively become the nighttime soap du jour. Like The OC's first season, the ABC hit benefits from sharp writing, campy plots, a light and humorous tone, and an elaborate web of characters so interconnected that conflicts just seem to organically flow forth. Sadly, The OC has lost many of these qualities. It tries to keep things peppy and fun, but everything simply feels forced, especially since half the characters are crying or brooding or complaining most of the time anyway. Conflicts arrive on the characters' doorstep with a thud, and the entire world of The OC seems to have disappeared completely. So what should the writers do?

1) Provide a context.
At this point, The OC could very well be named "The Cohens." It's no longer about class conflict and personal strife in paradise. It's about a large extended family and the unfortunate guest characters that occasionally cross its path. In its second season, the show has quietly tossed away the entire social context of the very geographical location from which it derives its name. Gone are the crazy teen parties with the threesomes in the bedroom and the cocaine in the bathroom and the keg in the livingroom and the fights on the beach. Gone are the menacing water polo bullies and any other clique that might be roaming through the high school. Gone are the snotty Newport ladies gossiping after Yoga-lates class and throwing silly key parties.

Yes, the high school parties have been replaced with Seth and Ryan playing video games or visiting the Bait Shop (more on that later). The high school heirarchy has been replaced with a comic book club. And the Newport wags have been replaced with... Caleb. There's no socio-economic context, and without that, there are no social pressures on any of these characters. For example, Seth was endearing as the nerdy high schooler who pined after the hot, popular Summer but feared the wrath of the ever vengeful jocks, led by Luke. Now Seth is neither popular nor unpopular. He no longer navigates through the complex social environment of Newport Beach. He just sort of exists and complains. There's no backdrop to his character, and for once, we actually do feel like he's sort of a loser.

Similarly, there's a disconnect between the characters and the audience, making it increasingly difficult to relate. Before, we recognized their plights, their pressures, their motivations because in some way, they reflected ours at some point. We remember the excitement of going to high school parties, the fear of not dressing the right way, the apprehension of talking to that girl or guy who really wants nothing to do with you. Now the characters live in a vacuum. They rarely break out of their circle and seem to spend a large amount of time with their parents. Everyone is squeaky clean, except of course Marissa whose vices can all be chalked up to her being a bad girl. No one seems to, well, party anymore. That's not to say that everyone in high school drinks and smokes and has threesomes amidst piles of cocaine, but teenagers aren't completely innocent either. I'm sorry to report that Marissa's "deviant" behavior isn't so crazy in most high schools. Also, why not make high school a little less incidental. These characters can do more than sit in a lounge and drink coffee. There's a whole world of petty yet universal drama to be had in the hallowed hallways and soccer fields of high school. How the writers could fail to exploit this is beyond me. The show needs to reintroduce both the scholastic and social contexts in order to make this teen environment believable.

Of course, even if we didn't completely identify with the characters, we could always enjoy the campy clash of cultures. Whether it's Julie Cooper's nouveau riche social climbing or the Newport ladies' catty dismissal of Kirsten Cohen's Jewish husband or a cocky Luke boasting "This is how we do it in The OC, bitch!", there's something completely fun and silly about this conflict. Plus, we always enjoyed seeing what people would do in this environment for acceptance, popularity, or mere survival. But again, with the social context absent, these battles have disappeared to the sidelines, and thus this season's twists and turns have been undercut with a growing sense of boredom. Who cares?

2) Have the teenagers act like teenagers.
This sort of echoes the last point. The teenagers just aren't realistic anymore. Granted, they never were totally realistic, but in the first season, they existed as a heightened, exaggerated version of reality. Now they're lame and boring. When they're not going to dumb dinner parties, the teens are getting hopelessly involved in their parents' sagas (Ryan, for one, is constantly embroiled in random adult storylines). Earlier this season, when Sandy punished Seth for being drunk, it worked because for once, Seth was acting his age (and so was Sandy). We need to get behind these characters, and the first step is making their motivations and worlds believable. Going along with that...

3) Make Ryan less self-righteous.
Let's not forget that Ryan is the bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks, specifically Chino. One of the major pitfalls of this series has been its inability to nail down Ryan's character. I believe that's because the writers never encountered someone like Ryan on a day to day basis. Last season, Ryan was short tempered but self-righteous to a fault. He had no fun and in turn sapped the fun away from anyone else. When the group snuck into a club, Ryan made Seth return his alcoholic beverage for a Mountain Dew. He then had the balls to lecture Seth's aunt, Hailey, for dancing (not even stripping) at the club, ultimately pulling her away from her job in front of her boss. Would you ever do that to your friend's aunt? Honestly, Ryan sucks.

It's hard to believe someone from such a tough background would have no vices or struggles. Ryan became angelic overnight, save for the occasional fist fight. But even then, he was always instigated into fighting for a noble and virtuous cause. There is hardly ever any true internal struggle with Ryan. No sense that his roots might catch up with him. Yeah, there have been scenes with Ryan and his no-good family, but these moments are rare and isolated. It's like the writers are saying "RYAN IS CONFLICTED." As they say, don't tell us about it, show us. On a day to day basis, we don't see the constant grappling between the Chino and Newport lifestyles. It's just all virtue, all the time. The only lapse occurred when he impregnated Theresa, and amazingly enough, not one character admonished him for underage sex without a condom. That subplot played less like a teen caught between his two worlds and more like the writers throwing in a twist for twist's sake, especially when the entire pregnancy plot was, er, aborted in this season's premiere.

Ryan 2005 is thankfully a little more lighthearted than last year, but his righteousness remains, and his constant nosiness and preaching makes him completely unlikable. His status as outsider has all but vanished, and now all he does is meddle in other people's business and cause chaos. Plus he's a downer and needlessly dramatic. Who wants to watch that?

4) Know when to kill a story.
One of the more nagging problems with The OC is its inability to gauge the tedious plots from the promising ones. Unfortunately, we usually get stuck with the lame stuff while the fun stories resolve themselves in three-episode arcs. Oliver has become the poster child for ridiculously poor OC plotting, but I think we can add the plight of Theresa, Rebecca, and occasionally Lindsay on the heap as well. Also overlong: the improbable romance between Alex and Marissa.

Surprisingly enough, the most kill-worthy rut this season has been the ongoing romance of Seth and Summer. Everyone loves these two. Everyone was happy to see them kiss again this week, even if it was in a contrived Spider-Man ripoff/ode. But not everyone was happy with the four months of whining and complaining that led up to this moment. The once charming and lovable Seth became a broken record this season as he moped around in a state of self-pity in the wake of losing Summer. There were minor variations on his malaise as he occasionally directed his pathos onto Alex and Zach, but at the end of the day, the writers managed to drive his character into the ground. Season 1 Seth was great because he simply never thought he had a shot at anyone. He pined from afar but was ultimately too shy and too awkward to do anything productive. His quirky banter was actually a self-defense mechanism, not a gimmick. Now he's confident, which isn't necessarily bad, but he's annoying too.

Compounding this is the fact that it never made any sense why Seth broke up with Summer, the love of his life, to go sailing into the unknown at the end of last year's season. Never mind that the whole sailing thing was completely contrived, but why would he ever dump Summer because of Ryan? That false note became the shaky foundation for the various Seth-Summer-Zach-Alex dramas, and unfortunately, none of those plots ever took off because at its core, we couldn't believe that any of this would exist in the first place. As a result, this entire love rhombus felt forced and uninteresting, causing a large portion of the show to simply spin in its wheels and inevitably stall.

On the flipside to all this are the fun, campy-delights of stories that seem to end before they've even begun. One of my favorite developments last season was the farfetched romance between Luke and Julie Cooper. It was pure, soapy trash, and I loved it. Sadly, after a few episodes, the writers not only put the kibotch on it, but they sent Luke packing to Portland, effectively ending his time on The OC. Yeah, his character by then had turned a little lame, but Luke also represented one of the rare non-dork voices on the show. Losing him meant losing a crucial counterbalance that's desperately needed this season. Other here-today, gone-tomorrow moments: that blond lawyer who hit on Sandy but then wound up with Jimmy; Marissa's friend who hooked up with Luke; Marissa's secret affair with DJ; and any impending lawsuit that Sandy works on for more than two episodes.

Sometimes it's not so much that a story will wrap up quickly but rather that a plot development might occur before the show has really taken the time to pump all the dramatic juice out of it. Taking Marissa's recent lesbian affair as an example, a smart soap would have had fun with it. No, I'm not talking about pillow fights in undies — although I certainly wouldn't disparage that. I'm talking about playing with the secret nature of the relationship. Two weeks ago, Marissa and Alex shared their first kiss. Last week, Marissa told Summer about Alex. This week, Marissa told her mom AND she was caught by Seth who then told Ryan. Oh, and Julie told Kirsten too. So basically everyone knows. Three episodes in and already a major source for dramatic tension has been dispelled. Whatever happened to the old fashioned method of sneaking around, then somebody finds out, then that person is sworn to secrecy, but that causes complications and so on and so forth? Already in that theoretical situation we have a mounting conflict stemming from one dramatic seed. Not only that, as the story line evolves, it draws in more and more characters who organically become relevant to the plot and each other. Which brings me to my next point:

5) Integrate stories and characters more seemlessly.
At this point in the season, we have several plot threads that are more or less tangental at best. It seems as though almost any character could drop out of the show and have minimum impact. As of this week, our four main stories have been Sandy and Kirsten dealing with Rebecca and their marriage; Seth grappling with Summer and Zach; Ryan and Lindsay adjusting to their relationships with Caleb; and Marissa and Alex getting it on. Pretty much none of these stories have anything to do with each other, and their only links come from occasional gossiping between the characters. Any twists in one plot have had no bearing on how another plot has taken shape. Not only is this lazy soap writing, but it serves to only make the show feel disjointed and random. No one's lives seem to intersect except at the inevitable big party, but even then, that's pushing it. Look at Marissa and Summer. They're supposedly best friends, but how often do we see them hanging out together anymore? The answer is rarely — because they're in different story lines.

Comparing with Desperate Housewives again (and yes, I know it's a different show but just humor me), we can see how the characters in that show are completely intertwined. Try to follow this description:

Last Sunday's installment of Desperate Housewives found Gabrielle being courted by a new gardener who wanted to have sex with her. Turns out this kid was Justin, the roommate of John who had previously had sex with Gabrielle but was now dating Bree Van De Kamp's daughter Danielle. Justin told Gabrielle that if she didn't have sex with him, he'd tell her husband that she slept with John. Gabrielle in turn showed up at Justin and John's apartment and told Justin that she was going to tell John that his roommate was trying to sleep with her. Justin pleaded for forgiveness, explaining that he just wanted to sleep with her because he thought he might be gay and it would be the final test. Meanwhile, the sketchy kid who's in love with Susan Meyer's daughter threw a party which everyone went to. Susan had prohibited her daughter from going to the party, and when she went to fetch her, she stumbled upon Justin and Bree Van De Kamp's son, Andrew making out.

So what does this mean in terms of The OC? The above plot description is a great example of characters who have all become interconnected in organic, albeit soapy, ways. A story line pertaining to Gabrielle suddenly impacts a story line pertaining to Susan, with Bree unwittingly caught in the middle. Remove one character from this elaborate string of events, and the entire thing falls apart. Furthermore, this scenario generates conflict as a smooth outgrowth of previous plot developments. What will these two gay teens do? What unique relationship does Susan have with them now? Who will she tell? How will that person react?

Going back to the Alex/Marissa lesbian relationship, that plot exists in a complete bubble compared to the similar story on Desperate Housewives. I suppose the writers are trying to go for a more realistic tone, examining the rise and fall of a relationship, as opposed to the soap opera implications. But then, is that really the sort of show we want out of The OC? Isn't it at heart a soap opera? Trying to be both a serious drama and a guilty pleasure may completely undermine the show.

Additionally, because these isolated plot threads seem unable to generate conflicts and evolve naturally, the writers frequently have to introduce new plot developments (often out of nowhere) to keep the show moving forward. The silly adventures of Rebecca, Sandy's long lost love turned fugitive, serve as a perfect example of this type of plotting. One day everything's fine, and then the next day Sandy's old law professor arrives to say he's dying and he wants to see his daughter. It's like the writers basically said to us "Okay, we don't have any ideas left so we're going to bring in something from left field that has nothing to do with anything." Other characters seemingly forced on us were Zach, DJ, Alex, and Lindsay, all of whom appeared in the first two or three episodes of this season. We're expected to care about these characters to some degree, but if a plot moves forward before we're on board with the new faces, chances are we're not going to care.

In contrast, look at Anna and Caleb during season 1. Both characters showed up for a few episodes but stayed on the sidelines, sometimes not reappearing until several installments later. We weren't expected to care about them intensely off the bat, but we grew to enjoy their presence because they were assimilated naturally into the flow of the season. Alex, on the other hand, arrived out of nowhere this season and within a few episodes was already dating Seth. Then they broke up, and we actually had to endure several episodes of Seth getting over her. Meanwhile, we never even cared in the first place.

6) Stop eliminating good characters.
Now, I know sometimes this isn't really the writers' choice. Sometimes actors get better gigs elsewhere or sometimes politics send a person from a show. But still, the rapid emigration of enjoyable characters from The OC is somewhat alarming. First fan-favorite Anna fell by the wayside, then Luke, then Hailey, then even Jimmy. And let's not forget the minor characters we would have liked more of: bratty Kaitlin Cooper (Marissa's little sister); slutty Holly (Marissa's rival); and seductive Rachel (Sandy's co-worker). There's so much potential in all these characters that it baffles me why the writers keep dropping them in favor of new faces. Even Renée Wheeler, Caleb's mistress and mother to Lindsay, could have promise as The Other Woman of The OC, but alas, it seems as though she and her daughter are off to the character graveyard of Chicago. Again, the writers should work with the what they have and gradually integrate new characters and scenarios in a natural, unforced way.

7) Stop taking us out of the moment.
A major problem with The OC this season is that it's become too smug, too cute, too self-aware for its own good. Again, this is a trend that began last year and has fully grown into an enormous hinderance. When The OC first hit the airwaves back in 2003, people praised its smart dialogue and witty cultural references. Somehow though, these savvy observations about pop culture morphed into ironically self-aware comments about the show itself, and what was once the great defining voice of The OC became a wink-wink, nudge-nudge parade of in-joke allusions. It's reached a point where it seems like the writers are trying to outsmart us or at least reassure the audience that they, in fact, know what's up. Unfortunately, all this does is take us out of the moment. We become keenly aware that we're watching a written form of entertainment, and whatever momentum had been building in the scene is completely lost. Yes, people are self-aware in real life, and I'd expect so much from the characters, but we don't need cutesy comments like Summer's latest "Are you going to advance the plot?" Particularly garish in this respect is the presence of "The Valley", the fictional soap that every teen watches in The OC. Ha ha. We get it. Just this week though, the writers took a stab at MTV's Laguna Beach by introducing "Sherman Oaks: The Real Valley." It's one thing to parody pop culture, but quite another to wink at the audience while doing it.

Perhaps the most egregious change in season two, however, is the sudden inclusion of guest bands. The OC has always been known for its keen ability to popularize various indie bands, but now the show has gone from casual hipster to blatant name dropper as acts such as The Killers, The Shins, and Modest Mouse have all graced the hallowed stage of the Bait Shop. Each time one of these bands pops up, it seems as though the show grinds to a halt in order to give ample screen time to the Very Special Guests. Sometimes entire episodes seem centered around having the teens wind up at the Bait Shop so they can ogle at the indie music unfurling in front of them. Frankly, it's distracting, and it's patronizing. We are immediately removed from the moment as we ponder who the musical act is or how contrived it is that they're playing some random club in Newport Beach that's helmed by a seventeen year old girl. That the writers wish us to suspend disbelief so they can get their musical jollies is a cocky gesture at best.

Part of me fears that the show has simply veered into wish fulfillment for the writers. Here we have a cast of mainly outsider characters, and yet they wind up triumphing over assholes like Luke and nabbing all the girls. Their favorite indie bands coincidentally hang out at the local bar, and Zach, the coolest guy in school, just happens to think the rather dorky activities of Seth and Ryan are awesome. I can't help feeling like this is the high school experience Josh Schwartz always wanted but never had.

Nevertheless, the adult characters on The OC have always been well drawn, and I hope the writers use that as a foundation for revitalizing the series. Truth is that there's still a lot of life left in The OC, and the writers are certainly up to the task. They simply need to refocus themselves and get back to what works so well. You see? TVgasm can be good for something.

UPDATE: — apparently we're not alone. Read similar OC criticisms at ESPN.com, Canadian paper Eye Weekly, and fellow blog Scamboogah.

Posted by at 3:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Last year, The OC instantly became a huge part of our pop culture. The problem this year is that the writers are all too well aware of how they influenced the pop culture and believe that fact gives them license to do whatever they want to with the show and think the viewers won't notice or care when large portions of the show suck. B-side is going to chime in with a more in-depth analysis of what is wrong with the show and what they can do to fix it. And although there is only about 15 minutes of the show worth watching each week, I'll still take you through the whole hour.

You might have heard that there was a lot of rain in Los Angeles this year. It is already the fourth wettest on record, and you can sense the change in the mood of Angelinos whenever it turns cloudy. I don't like to say that people in Southern California overreact when it gets a little cold or it starts to rain a little bit, but that is exactly what happens. What those of us who grew up in the northeast know as "sprinkles" people from Los Angeles call "thunderstorms". What we could consider "showers" is better known as a "downpour" and what we would actually call a thunderstorm would result in stretches of highway to close and people to stay inside for fear of getting their hair wet. (But for those of us who do venture outside, we still wear our sunglasses. It is California after all.)

So with this in mind, we see Ryan and Seth, each sequestering themselves inside their houses. Seth wants to talk, but Ryan doesn't want to leave the pool house. Seth has bagels, but Ryan says he needs to clean. Now I finally know why Ryan hasn't moved inside - it would spoil such witty openings such as this one. Seth eventually decides to call Ryan on his phone. Even though Seth's parents are too cheap to buy him a car, there is still plenty of money left around for the pool house to have its own line. They discuss the rain, and Seth mentions that it's like the opening scene from Day After Tomorrow, which is kind of funny because that is the term I have picked up to describe all the rain in Los Angeles. Problem is, the opening scene from the movie took place in Antarctica, the rain didn't come until much later. Some writing assistant should be fired over that mistake.

Let's not dwell on the minor issues, the large picture is that both Seth and Ryan are having girl problems, and once again, they must complain to each other about their problems before they go out and do anything about it. Sounds as if they are more interested in making sure each other is happy than their (ex)girlfriends. Then again, they are living under the same roof as the master of the conflict of interest - Sandy Cohen. For some reason, Sandy is still more interested in making sure his fugitive felon ex-girlfriend is happy than he is in making sure his wife is OK with it. Kirsten is sad, partly because of the rain, partly because of a hangover, but most likely because her husband has no clue why should she would be a little upset that he's helping a woman so obviously in love with him. Sandy says he feels like they are strangers, an Kirsten never talks to strangers. But that's OK. Rebecca calls Sandy, who of course offers to drop everything he is doing and leaves right away to pick her up.

It's not just the Cohens who are fans of bagels in the OC, the Cooper-Nichols love them as well. Julie is making herself breakfast when Alex and Marissa come down, fresh from their sleep over. It must have been a great morning for Julie. Marissa has found a new friend, and that the new friend isn't black or Mexican, so why worry? Julie exchanges a little embarrassing conversation with Alex before she leaves, leaving mother and daughter to enjoy a little heart to heart.

Things have been strained between Marissa and Julie for a while. First it was the infamous scream, then there was the whole relationship with the gardener followed by Julie's affair with Jimmy and a little trip to Europe. But now Marissa wants to be completely honest, sort of a fresh start. She tells her mom that Alex is her girlfriend. She doesn't just like her, she likes her likes her. She's not a friend that is a girl, but a girlfriend. Welcome to experimentation, bitch!

The rain is still coming down, but that is not going to stop Ryan or Seth from setting things straight with their girls, even if it means braving the torrential downpour. Sandy and Kirsten have no problem letting Ryan or Seth borrow the Range Rover at anytime, except when it is raining outside, of course. And since nobody in Orange County is smart enough to own umbrellas or waterproof jackets, everybody gets wet.

Ryan is outside of Lindsay's window while she is playing her oboe. When you are rich in Newport, you calm your nerves by playing Playstation, if you're poor, you must live with learning classical music on woodwind. Lindsay, who looks much better with her hair down than pulled back, is starting to have second thoughts about her DNA test. What if she really wasn't Caleb's father? Ryan, pretended to care and said that he would even go with her to the DNA test, but you knew he was secretly saying "why didn't you just listen to me when i told you to be careful about Caleb three episodes ago?". To make matters worse, Lindsay and her mom are thinking about moving to Chicago because they are sick of Newport.

While you can kind of imagine why Ryan wouldn't have any waterproof clothing, being poor and from Chino, but why doesn't Seth have anything to protect him from the rain? Up until Ryan came into his life, didn't he spend every spare moment sailing? I know that sailing doesn't require you to actually submerge yourself in the water, but you do get wet. And even if he did manage to stay dry while sailing in Southern California, he did decide to move to the Pacific Northwest, you would think he would be smart enough to carry around some more rain protection than a Spiderman mask. Yes, I said a Spiderman mask. If it seems strange now, it gets only dumber later on.

Seth wants to talk to Summer. We have seen this scene a million times and honestly I want it to end. Seth sees Summer with somebody else. Seth becomes jealous/angry. Seth attempts to talk to Summer, but the words don't come out. Seth makes a joke, but it sounds like he is trying too hard to sound funny and aloof like season 1. Cut to Summer looking sad that Seth didn't actually say what was on his mind. It's the same thing over and over, and this time was no different. Seth was unable to convince Summer not to go to Tuscany. Oh how absolutely tragic.

With all of the trouble going on, it makes some strange bedfellows among members of the cast. Julie and Kirsten had never liked each other, but when it comes to complaining about how much their lives suck, housewives are always willing to call for a little détente and be on their gossipy way. Kirsten is at the office, avoiding her family (odd, since none of them are actually in her house), when Julie walks in, also trying to avoid her family. When Julie says they should add some cigars and scotch to the mix, you know that Kirsten isn't going to complain. Throughout all of the suckiness I have had to endure this season, I still get a laugh anytime Kirsten is going to get drunk.

Their whole conversation wasn't that great, except for the part when Julie said she had done some lesbian experimentation herself. "It was just a phase", she said, which means the writers have started thinking of ways to bail on the lesbian Marissa ship should the ratings grab relationship not work out the way they expected.

If there was another theme besides how sucky the rain is, it was 1992 Top 40. We had Blind Melon open the show, and now seth is listening to Boyz II Men, specifically "End of the Road". If this was 1995, perhaps I would believe that a high school student would be thinking about his lost love while listening to this group, but this is 2005, and kids have moved on. Haven't they? If somebody has been around long enough to have a greatest hits album, isn't that not indie enough for Seth? Ryan walks in, also finding the music choice strange, but he does inspire Seth to come up with one more grand romantic gesture. Remember "Summer Breeze", Seth's old boat? Seth is going to buy it back, and use that to win over Summer.

So Seth is listening to Boyz II Men, thinking about Summer. I wonder what Summer is doing? Why, wouldn't you know it, she is also listening to Boyz II Men, and she is thinking about Seth. If you haven't caught on, this is so we all understand that what they have is true love. It is more than a physical thing, it comes from a higher, more spiritual connection, and it starts with a shared appreciation of the Boomerang Soundtrack. Zach comes in, also wondering what the hell Summer is listening to, and wants to talk to her about how exciting the trip is going to be. I can understand why Summer has legitimate concerns about the trip, since she has known Zach for less than a year, doesn't know any of his family really, yet is still going to be thrust into the wedding party. But Zach is nice, and Seth hasn't said anything to her, so why not just go to Italy?

To buy his boat back, Seth needed money, and we know that's not that hard to come by. His parents are loaded, why not just get some money from them? Well, because Seth can get the money on his own, he just needs his old job back. He goes to ask Alex about working at the Bait Shop, and we now understand why you shouldn't have a teenager run your club. Not only does she give Seth the job that he has quit from twice already, she advanced him his pay so that he can buy back the "Summer Breeze". It's also very convenient that he happened to see Marissa when he was at Alex's apartment, meaning that he can spread the rumor all over town, meaning Marissa will get nervous and end the relationship within three weeks.

Seth gets his boat, but it is no longer called "Summer Breeze", it is now entitled "Gimme Sex". He can't really take it out on the water, but he believes that if he can just dump it in the pool and and invite Summer over, it will be just as good as if he had been in the ocean. He gives Summer a call, and says he wants just once more chance. In a rare departure from the predictability of the show, Summer tells Seth that he can't do it to her. He might have thought that what they used to have was good, but "it wasn't as good as what you had with Ryan". Slam! That's what we like to hear - a character with some conviction. And with that, Summer leaves for the airport, and Seth is relegated back to listening to Boyz II Men and watching episodes of "Sherman Oaks: The Real Valley". I just can't get enough of these writers. They satire their own show with The Valley, and now satire a reality show based upon their real show. The layers of complexity are just too difficult for my simple mind to comprehend.

Yes, the plot lines are starting to take care of themselves. Sure, it was kind of convoluted, and not entirely believable or entertaining, but at least things are ending, and that includes the sage of Sandy and Rebecca. When she called Sandy, he met her at a diner, and convinced her to come back. While driving back, the road is washed out, forcing them to get a motel room for the night. Ahh, the perfect setting to test one's marriage. Rebecca tries to make a move on Sandy, and Sandy smartly refuses, although he would have been better off just getting two rooms. As they are driving back the next day, they begin to argue, Sandy runs the car off the road, and a good Samaritan truck driver calls 911 so a tow truck, ambulance, and police are all going to be there soon.

Fearing that she might be caught, and that Sandy might be blamed, Rebecca decides that she is going to run away again. She and Sandy say their goodbyes (again), and she walks off down the road. I am not quite sure how she is planning to avoid the cops pulling her over as she walks down the road, but maybe she can hitchhike quickly. Sandy, who can stand a broken marriage, but not a broken BMW, finally lets her leave.

The results of the big DNA test are in, and Lindsay is indeed Caleb Nichol's daughter. They tried to make us feel that her mom was a skank, but we all knew that he was probably the father. It doesn't explain why we have yet another week without mentioning what Theresa is doing with the baby, but at least the whole adoption thing can move along. It would move along that is if Lindsay wanted it to move along. She was so gung-ho about getting adopted last week, but after seeing the true colors of Caleb, she is having second thoughts. Lindsay talked it over with her mom, and she has decided to move with her mom to Chicago. Caleb might bring her more money and a better life, but Lindsay can't lose the only family she ever had.

God damn! Another girlfriend lost, another lonely flight to the midwest? I love the heartland just as much as anybody else, but was there not one writer who could have come up with something better to get rid of a girl than moving to Chicago? Freak auto accident? Cancer? Something, anything other than this same old routine. If Alex and Marissa break up, and Alex moves to Green Bay, I'm going to have to hit somebody.

Why do I say that? Well, Marissa loves telling everybody all of a sudden. When her mom confronts her about her experimentation, and says she understands why Marissa did it (minus the Motley Crue and Jagermeister), Marissa decides to move out. Alex is also enjoying the new, happy to be out Marissa. She even has her doing chores around the apartment, and paying rent (which she wouldn't have a problem with if she hadn't advanced all that money to Seth). Although clearly apprehensive about the situation, Marissa goes along. But when we see her comforting Ryan after she walks Alex to the bait shop (the only people to use an umbrella the entire episode), we start to wonder just how long all of this is going to last.

Summer is at the airport, and there is a delay. We know that Summer doesn't really mesh well with Zach's family, but it was funny nonetheless. She is so uncultured and simple, shouldn't she really be with somebody who is less grown up than she is? Somebody who has parents that read People and Newsweek, and not The Economist and the New Yorker? Somebody like Seth Cohen?

While waiting out the rain delay, and looking for US Weekly, or Glamour, or Cosmo, she listens to Seth's voice. Zach is a sports star, comes from a good family, and cares about her deeply, but he doesn't do horse voices, and who could love a man who doesn't show you that kind of devotion. The last thing she needs now is to be reminded of Seth, but when she sees a young boy wearing Converse, reading comic books, and playing with a toy horse, it is just too much. She tells Zach, who is completely understanding, and runs off to find her love.

Seth had only one request for that evening, and it was to watch "Sherman Oaks: The Real Valley" without interruption. His satellite was out, and while most people in this situation would have simply waited for the DVD, Seth heads up on the roof to fix his Dish Network. He needs protection from the rain, so he wears his Spiderman mask. He also needs protection from his non-athletic, non-handyman self, so he takes extra care to secure the rope around the chimney and his waist in case he falls, which of course happens within two minutes.

Hanging upside down from the roof (the rope broke his fall just enough that he would simply hang several feet off of the ground), Seth is helpless. Luckily, somebody is there to save him. It's Summer, and when she sees her super hero in that position, she runs up and kisses him. It was quite the hot moment, and was even better when I saw it the first time in "Spiderman".

The OC has already become a parody of itself. People might love the idea of Seth and Summer, but was getting them back together in the rain, upside down, with a Spiderman mask all that earth shattering that we had to endure months of Zach and Summer in between? Maybe you think so, I don't. It's not that I don't think Seth and Summer don't make a good couple, or would necessarily be bad for the show, but it seems like they are trying once again to write for a ratings boost and not plot coherence and believability. We have a bunch of nice kids that don't get into trouble, and sometimes go to school. We have a bunch of adults with uninteresting problems and forced conflict. On any other network, this show might be in trouble for being cancelled, but on the network that brought you seven seasons of "That 70's Show", this one still has a lot of legs.

Posted by at 1:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Well, I'm sitting here bored, watching the red carpet coverage on E!, and I've decided now would be a good time to live blog.

TVgasm red carpet commentary after the jump...

4:02 — Star Jones asks Laura Linney what her favorite Krispy Kreme donut is. When Laura can't come up with an answer, Star slaps her and yells "Always know your donuts, bitch!"

4:06 — Star Jones tells Leonardo DiCaprio she likes Pink's hot dogs with chili and cheese. Seriously. Let's just pray E! brought the portable defribrillator.

4:11 — Star Jones calls Hilary Swank a "professional glam-azon" and then says "you have really transformed yourself from a Million Dollar Baby to a Million Dollar Baby." It's official. Star Jones is an idiot.

4:17 —  Star Jones corners patrician producer Michael Mann about "The Aviator". After two minutes of light banter, she grabs his lapels and yells "WHERE ARE LAURA LINNEY'S KRISPY KREMES???"

4:21 — Scarlett Johanson braves the Star Jones gauntlet. She quietly skirts all questions regarding her recent platinum blonde bleaching accident.

4:25 — Drew Barrymore says "Aging is all about wisdom and grace." Star Jones strokes her chin and says "Grace... hmmm.... I'll have to look into that."

4:27 —  Star Jones corners Clive Owen and says "I am a BIG Clive Owens fan." Pun fans rejoice.

4:29 —  Spike Lee proves just how much he hates Hollywood and the system by showing up at the Oscars. I'm suddenly reminded of all my negative experiences with Spike and throw a pen at the TV. Sadly, Spike is unfazed.

4:30 — "I'm hot! I'm hot! I'm hot!" complains Star Jones. "I'm not hot because of me though!" Seriously Star, don't flatter yourself.

4:31 —  Spike Lee and Louis Gossett Jr. share an awkward moment as they realize they've worn the same outfit. Spike Lee accuses Louis Gossett Jr. of being white and punches him.

4:32 — Salma Hayek arrives to talk to Star. She announces that she's wearing "Pra-thda". Apparently she refuses to say anything unless it rhymes with Frida.

4:33 — "I love when a man falls over me!" gushes Star, noting that she's usually knocking them over instead.

4:35 — Alan Alda explains that Morgan Freeman will win the Oscar so he might as well just sit back and enjoy the evening. Hey, Alan, Woody Allen called. He says you can tone it down a bit.

4:38 — Star Jones tells Morgan Freeman "You have a pretty foxy daughter!" He then informs her that she's pointing to a double cheeseburger. "I don't care what she is. Your daughter is delicious!" gushes Star as she swallows the burger whole.

4:43 —  Cate Blanchett levels her WASPy stare of disapproval at Star Jones. Star Jones is momentarily frozen into a block of ice.

4:44 — Johnny Depp's wife says "Bonjour Mama! Bonjour Papa!" Is that the best French you can do? LAME.

4:45 — Star Jones desperately tests out her French skills by reciting "Bonjour!" and "Bon Soir!" Someone stop her before we have an international crisis.

4:47 —  Incestuous couple Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal arrive to remind us that they are, in fact, siblings and very very indie. They then make out.

4:48 —  I suddenly realize Jake Gyllenhaal has my haircut. Considering I have a Puma jacket of his, I now can fulfill my lifelong dream of walking down the street and saying "Hey, I'm Jake Gyllenhaal!"

4:49 —  Did Samuel L. Jackson just say "F-ck that movie!"? I'm on a Tivo-less TV right now. Blast!

4:50 —  The apocalypse has arrived: Oprah and Star are commiserating.

4:51 —  Quincy Jones gives Star the royal snub. Apparently he has famine songs to write.

4:53 —  Penelope Cruz reveals that she's been eating cheeseburgers all afternoon. Star Jones nearly faints from excitement. Literally.

4:57 —  Ray Charles returns from the dead to speak with Star Jones. Oh wait, it's Jamie Foxx! Wow, what a revelation he is!

4:58 —  Jamie Foxx's daughter PA's Usher big time. Star asks her if she's excited to stand next to Usher. She pauses then says "I know my friend would be." SLAM! Someone's been hanging out with Cate Blanchett!

E! is signing off, and so am I. TVgasm writer M_Ruv and I will have full Oscar coverage. Check back later this evening or tomorrow morning.

Posted by at 4:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Every now and then, we have a meeting in the TVgasm offices and ask ourselves what kind of features we should implement to make TVgasm better. We take suggestions from readers, do a little brainstorming ourselves, and try to come up with improvements to the site.

TVgasm reader Michael suggested that we add an RSS feed for each individual category instead of just the main TVgasm page. For those of you who use an RSS reader of some sort to read TVgasm, you can now select individual categories for your TVgasm feeds. RSS (click here for more info) is a good way to aggregate information from the web, and is particularly good if you read a lot of blogs. There are many free RSS readers out there if you are interested, and some even come with TVgasm preloaded.

For those people who want to take TVgasm with them wherever they go, we now have section where you can download wallpapers and ringtones for your cell phone. Simply connect your WAP-enabled cellphone to www.tvgasm.com/wap/index.php to see the content. The ringtones are midi (polyphonic) and mp3s,. If you bought a phone in the last two years, it most likely has WAP and midi support, and many phones in the last year or so come with mp3 support as well. Although we are not charging for you to download, you will still incur airtime and/or data charges from your provider. While we tried to get files that would work great as ringtones, some of them are simply theme songs.

A listing of the files we have for download is after the jump:

We will add new files when we get the chance, and if you have a request, please let me know. We can easily make wallpapers and mp3 ringtones are not that hard. We did not create any of the polyphonic ringtones, so we are not going to be able to trim or make changes to the ones we have, although if others make modifications, we can update the files. Also, we cannot answer questions on how to download any of these with your specific phone, if you have a question about your phone's features, try a google search.

Wallpapers

Polyphonic Ringtones

A-Team Airwolf Alf Axel Foley Bewitched Buffy Charlie's Angels (TV) Different Strokes er Golden Girls Knight Rider Looney Toones MacGyver MASH Muppet Show Quantum Leap Seinfeld Sex and The City

MP3 Ringtones

Amazing Race 24 (CTU phone) Dating Game Fraggle Rock Law and Order Price is Right

Posted by at 12:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

It's only been three weeks since we have last seen Phil and friends do their run around the world, but next week ushers in the seventh season of The Amazing Race. We meant to give you a little more time to make your choices, but the date caught up to us quicker than we had anticipated. As promised, we have yet another giveaway - the Amazing Race Challenge. If you missed out on your chance to win authentic TVgasm merchandise from any of our other challenges, you still have time to be part of the sensation sweeping the nation.

The Rules:

1. Go to the Amazing Race 7 homepage, and review the teams.

2. Choose the three teams you think will finish one, two, and three overall.

3. E-mail your answers to amazingrace@tvgasm.com.

The winner, to be announced at the end of the season (of course), will be the person who gets the three final teams, and the overall winner of The Amazing Race correct. In the event that more than one person gets the correct answers, the tiebreaker will be who picked the second and third place teams correctly as well. If more than one person has all three correct, the person who e-mailed their answers first will be awarded the winner. For their great victory, the lucky individual will receive one free item from the TVgasm store.

Only one entry per person/e-mail address will be accepted, and TVgasm will never give away your name or e-mail to anybody, not that your more "creative" attempts at coercion aren't encouraged. Entries will be accepted until 9PM Eastern on Tuesday, March 1st. Any questions or comments e-mail amazingrace@tvgasm.com.

Posted by at 5:41 PM | Permalink

Daaayuummm. That Donald Trump gets mad props, yo! Yes, the much ballyhooed hip hop installment of The Apprentice aired last night, and if you happened to tune into NBC during the 9 pm hour, you might have momentarily believed you were watching BET — that is, if BET stood for "Bad Entertainment Television." Well, I shouldn't say that it was bad entertainment because truthfully, I was quite entertained by these fools attempting to capture street culture. And honestly, at the end of the day, what else could speak more of hip hop than a short, white Tennessee district attorney wearing a bow tie? Move over 50 Cent. Bren's in da club.

The episode began with Alex complaining about Stephanie's sense of entitlement. Unfortunately, you can't change someone who's been that way for 27 years, he reasoned. So Stephanie had an air of entitlement at age two? What did she do? Tell the other toddlers they were destined to lives of menial labor? Nevertheless, she returned from the boardroom and addressed the team about her perceived negativity. "I appreciate the constructive criticism," she sniffled in between tears. Bren comforted her with a hug that seemed to say "There there, young harpy."

The next morning, Rhona called in from her new desk which was conveniently located in front of a framed headline of Trump that read "MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE!" Sadly, had the camera panned a few more inches to the right, we would have also seen a framed picture of Frankie Avalon with the headline "MASTER OF RHONA'S UNIVERSE." No word yet on whether He-Man has any intentions to win back either of those titles.

Anyway, Rhona instructed everyone to meet Donald Trump at the Playstation offices in mid-town. There, the group waited in the lobby while The Donald made awkward chit chat with the Sony reps. "How's Playstation?" Trump asked, oddly eschewing the normal use of "the". It sort of was the equivalent of going into Crate & Barrel and saying "What's new with Desk? How about Chair?" Anyway, Trump addressed the candidates by alerting them that they'd be designing a graffiti mural to hawk the latest PS2 game, Gran Turismo 4. The urban billboards would be assessed by a focus group and whichever team best markets the product in the eyes of the Playstation guys would win. So basically the team would be... painting? Not the most entrepreneurial task, but I guess its marketing angle counts for something. Right? Okay, let's face it. Mark Burnett just wanted to stick all these people in Harlem for a day and see what would happen.

In an amazing feat of physics and modern technology, Tara suddenly opened her mouth and began to talk. Turns out she was Project Manager for Net Worth. Who would have thunk it? "I understand Harlem," she told us, adding "By the way, I am black." Tara and the team gathered together, played some GT4, and then brainstormed some ideas. Audrey casually mentioned all the unique environments in the game — urban, dessert, forrest, etc. Equipped with all this information, Tara began her crusade to enlighten the Harlem community with a socially conscious graffiti mural. It had something to do with a car driving out of the mean streets of New York, as evidenced by angry buildings possibly shouting (with Maine accents) "You leave us alone, you hear? This city don't care much for flashy cars and short dresses! Now let's go eat some chowda."

"I think I'd lose a lot of street credibility if Magna wins this," Tara laughed haughtily. First sign of ebbing street cred? Calling street cred "street credibility".

Alex, meanwhile, became the Project Manager of Magna. He felt confident about his mission because, as he stated, "I play video games. I went to college." Interesting. And based on the motel refurbishing mission, Magna won that because they learned how to party in college. So let that be a lesson to you folks: go to college and you'll never be creative unless it comes to video games and partying. Works for me!

Anyway, Alex and the team met with various graffiti artists before settling down with Lady Pink, and no, she wasn't an errant porn star carrying a can of spray paint for whippets. Lady Pink was a bona fide street artist who just happened to have a very lesbian-friendly name. Sadly her friends Kitty Snatch and Madame Vagina were nowhere to be found.

After deciding on artists, both teams headed to their walls and got to work shilling for Sony. The producers opted to shun their usual jazzy soundtrack for a more urban selection of public domain tracks. Yes, tonight's Apprentice was full of record scratches and hip singers occasionally chirping "Uh!" and "Oh yeah!" Yes, nothing says the streets of Harlem like music worthy of a Tae-Bo video. I could have done without the pandering, pseudo-urban soundtrack, but then I figured it was probably just promotion for Will Smith's new single, "Switch". Rejoice, Bar-Mitzvah DJs.

Speaking of urban malaise, the college kids from Magna struggled to come up with a concept for their billboard. With nothing left to do, they got to work painting jungle vines on the bottom of the wall. Uh, guys. Just so you know — the urban jungle is not actually a jungle. Stephanie and Bren, who had spoken with Sony's people about the audience they were trying to reach, actually pointed this out, but Erin defended it, saying it was "urban". Sigh. I'm glad she didn't say something foolish like "Besides, black people come from the jungle, right?"

At least Alex was forthright about his fish-out-of-water status. "What the hell do I know about G-Wheels and 'C'mon, how you doin'?" he asked, ironically wearing a prototypical gangsta down jacket. Now, I didn't know that "C'mon, how you doin'" was as much of a Harlem thing as it was a general salutation. At least Alex didn't walk up to a Crip and ask "Can you explain 'Sup cuz?'" Because then he'd be dead. Yay gangs!

Off da chain!

It seemed fairly obvious that Magna would once again be heading to the boardroom considering their ability to communicate with the Harlem neighborhood seemed completely impaired. However, when Trump bellowed this week's message, "Shut up and listen!" I second guessed myself. After all, as Tara adamantly stuck to her Mean Streetz approach, it seemed like she was actually going against Trump's advice, and that's never good.

Nevertheless, Tara was attached to her idea. I guess one person's stubbornness is another's commitment. When a chipper Jill Kramer showed up, Tara immediately jumped at the opportunity to explain all the social and symbolic levels to her painting. Um, she did realize this was an ad, right?

As the sun set and the teams grew weary, squabbles burst out in the Net Worth camp. Audrey and Craig had a little run in over some amazingly dumb painting issue, and while the producers wanted us to dwell on the conflict, I personally was distracted by Craig who, like Tara, chose this episode to come out of his shell. Yes, Craig finally spoke, and oddly enough, he sounded like Bill Cosby. Especially since he kept calling Tara "Claire."

Magna meanwhile decided it was high time to get a plan. Alex found some local kids who suggested the group incorporate the image of cash falling from the sky. Wow, I guess you can really get in touch with the demographic if you shut up and listen. Hey, wait, that's what Donald Trump said too! Hmmm... I wonder who will win?

With the added perspective of the Harlem kids, Magna suddenly had a direction. "Mad props it is! Bling bling it is!" yelled Alex exhuberantly as he embraced his inner thug. And what better way to conceptualize mad props and bling bling than via a giant, cash-holding fist with the word "BLING" tattooed onto it. When Bren of all people suggested this, Alex responded, "That'd be tight!" Yeah boyyyyy! See Alex? An afternoon in Harlem and already you're catching on!

The next morning, Trump decided to tour the graffiti sites, and luckily for us, some studio session musician was kind enough to slap together his very own Donald Trump rap. The lyrics were mostly indiscernible, but occasional lines like "DT's in the hood!" and "Trump in da stretch, gonna see what's next" reassured me that this young MC would never live out his 8-Mile dreams. That is unless he plans to battle some homely lady from human resources.

Click here to listen to the rap song. The audio sounds a little muffled at first but then becomes sharper. The moment the sounds improves corresponds exactly to when Trump's limo door opens; so we're supposed to believe that he actually was listening to this in his car. Bravo, sound engineers!

Eventually the teams finished up their graffiti, and the executives from Sony came by to judge. Tara immediately took all credit for the mural, noting that it was her vision and her idea etc. Of course Chris was none too pleased with this as he yelled in an interview: "ALL SHE SAID WAS I, I, I, I , I!!!!" He then picked up the park bench near him and threw it across the road. Five people died.

Still, Net Worth was pretty confident about their piece, and when the focus group made up of local residents walked in, Tana couldn't contain her excitement. "Oh yeah!" she exclaimed quietly. What was she so exuberant about? Did Uma Thurma walk in?

After examining Net Worth, the execs shuffled a few blocks over to Magna where Alex explained how much the locals love mad props and bling bling. Okay Alex. I know those are the only two hip hop terms you know, but the more you say them, the less cool they become. Actually, they weren't very cool before you knew them either. Just... stop talking.

That evening, the teams gathered outside the boardroom and waited a whole hour (as evidenced by an old fashioned clock transition) for the Playstation guys to finish talking with The Donald. When they finally were allowed in, the candidates watched footage from the focus groups. Tana had a proud, I-Took-Tylenol-And-Now-My-Headache's-Gone look about her which quickly faded as it became evident that Net Worth was going to lose. I half expected her to shake her head and say "Oh shucks! Golly!" Instead she stood quietly with her team as Magna cheered at their victory.

As a reward for winning, Magna headed to the studio of some hoity photographer to get portraits done. Unfortunately, the photographer denied Kendra's request for a novelty photo of her on a magic carpet. While the models curiously circled around Bren and his bow tie, Trump showed up to partake in the activity. It was pretty cool, but seriously, when was the last time Trump DIDN'T show up for a photo op?

Trump visits a Roosevelt High School computer class

Trumps brings warmth to Mrs. Klein's third grade class

Anyway, the crew took some nice photos, but I had a hard time believing that the portraits would have cost Vogue $100,000 each. I also had a hard time figuring out why Stephanie was the only one who seemed to be getting a full makeover for her photo. Man, she really does have a sense of entitlement.

Back at the loft, Tara complained that because Audrey didn't tell her about all the different landscapes of the game, they lost. The only problem with that logic was that, well, Audrey DID tell her about the different landscapes. Nevertheless, Tara made Audrey her #1 target as they headed into the boardroom. She cited Audrey's enormous (READ: fleeting) flare up with Craig as a major liability to the team. But wait! Audrey had a response. "Craig seems to think it's okay to speak in a manner that's demeaningful," she insisted. Demeaninful? Is that like when someone is demeaning AND meaningful at the same time? And what exactly do you say to a demeaningful comment? "Man, you really hurt my feelings, but you had a very interesting point!"

George meanwhile was very snippy. He chastened Tara for coming up with a concept before even meeting with the Sony guys and was particularly ornery about their mural's tagline. "Where did you come up with the line 'Tear It Up'? WHERE??" he asked, adding "When I used to work at a soda jerk, if you said 'Tear it up', it meant the machines needed cleaning. You don't joke about that!"

Eventually, the scrutiny fell on Tara as the biggest cause for the loss seemed to come from her ineffective mural. "It was a Sony ad, not a community ad," Jill admonished. Eventually, Tara picked Audrey and Craig to come back with her to the boardroom. It was a fairly personal pick considering Craig hadn't done anything wrong except naysay Tara, and when Trump asked him if he had any beef with Audrey, he gave an unusual response. "I had a talk with Audrey. She's newly married... She stated that her husband is sitting around waiting for her to come back, and he's not doing anything." Okay, well, that really made no sense and had nothing to do with anything. Well done Craig.

Of course The Donald was immediately enthralled with this domestic saga. "Do you have a non-ambitious husband?" he asked Audrey. We can now add this to the tally of strange personal questions from The Donald, joining the ranks of "Are you not a homosexual?" and "Are you the sexiest man in the suite?"

While these oddball interactions between Audrey and Craig were fun, in the end, the failure in this task fell squarely on Tara's shoulders. Trump reluctantly fired her, thus solidifying her status as "considerably less street cred than before." Tara seemed smart and savvy, but she was just as culpable as she was capable. You like that? Capable and culpable? Yeah, you're welcome. RIP stupid Sex & The City punnage.

What did you think? Who had the better mural? Did Tara deserve to get fired?

Posted by at 7:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

I think it's safe to say that we can officially write off this season of The OC as being a textbook case of the sophomore slump. That's why I'm not even concerning myself with the ongoing whining of Seth, the awkward kissing of Marissa and Alex, and the annoying self-righteousness of Ryan. Instead, we here at TVgasm are looking to the future; Season 3 if you will.

A little trip to the IMDB.com reveals that none other than Demi Moore will be guest starring on season three's big premiere. She is credited as playing Joan Roberts, who we'll assume is either Summer's never-seen stepmother, or better yet, her never-seen birth mother. My money's on the latter (birth mother). I'm sure the writers will gladly make a "step-monster" joke — if only because Summer's favorite term was first coined by, you guessed it, Demi Moore in "St. Elmo's Fire." The possibilities for self-referential humor are endless.

Interestingly enough, Michael Nouri, the actor who plays Summer's father, will be present for a dual role (twins? The OC? This is gonna be interesting/anticlimactic), and we can only imagine what the casting of real life brothers Channing Tatum and Christopher Anderson will mean for the increasingly incestuous Cohen/Nichols brood. The brothers play, well, brothers (their names: Aaron and Hayden. Looks like we got a little Amazing Race fandom on the writing crew), and judging by their last name ("Leafstedt-Roberts"), it looks like Summer may have a whole step-family she never knew about.

Is it a little sad when the barebones character listing on the IMDB is more fascinating than the current storylines?

Just in case the IMDB suddenly changes its entries, here is a screenshot of the webpage:

Posted by at 2:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

I am sorry that I was so delinquent with my Smallville post from last week. Just after I had said that the episodes were off-topic, but enjoyable, we get an episode about killer dogs that had been experimented by Luthorcorp for a government weapons program. Oh, I checked out after that. Yes, I still watched the episode, but I could not stand to revisit the episode, even if it was to help out all of the loyal TVgasm readers who watch the show. And I still like the show, and hope it sticks around for a little while longer. Hey, even the New York Times thought the show was good enough to warrant some press (registration required). As far as the action on the small screen goes, we are finally starting to get some answers to all of those questions they had us wondering about towards the early part of the season - and they have us asking a few more after tonight's episode.

With his hopes of a college scholarship dashed, Clark has to go back to doing what the rest of us poor souls do when the recruiters and the boosters aren't knocking on our door, namely fill out applications, write essays, and go to alumni interviews. Clark is busy with his applications when he gets a package from Dr. Swann. At that same moment, Jonathan turns on the TV, where they are announcing Dr. Swann's death. Clark is stunned, as they had spoken just days earlier, and there was still so much that he had to learn. Opening the package, Clark found that Dr. Swann returned another octagonal piece of the spaceship he crashed to earth in, with further instructions about his father Jor-El, and Clark's legacy.

Whenever you talk about Clark's legacy, you have to think about the caves. I wonder how long it is going to take for Clark to learn these caves don't have a lot of privacy and move his setup to the arctic. Clark places the piece of the ship inside a piece of the rock, and his dad appears to him as a disembodied voice. Usually when Jor-el has appeared, it has not been good news. He is either making Clark go crazy or trying to kill Jonathan somehow. This time, there is nothing to worry about. Jor-el gives us a little explanation of the stones. They are the stones of knowledge, and when he collects them all, he will be able to harness all of the power of his ancestors. Oh, and he needs to get them before any humans do, because they will use them to destroy the earth. No problem, it's just the fate of an entire civilization on his hands. Clark is probably more worried about finding a senior prom date (although I am guessing he will just take the copout and go with Lois).

So, Clark needs to find out more about the stones. Hmm, why not start with the girl who has a Krypton symbol magically tattooed on her back? When he gets to Lana's apartment, she is visibly upset. She had spoken to Jason earlier and he said he was in Metropolis, but she was later called to the Luthor mansion by Lionel and told that he was actually in Shanghai. Lionel then went on to tell Lana a little bit more about Countess Isabelle Thoreau and her arch rival the Dutchess Gertrude. The Dutchess was obsessed with the three stones as well, and she used her wealth to search for them all over the globe. One of her ships came back from China with a map, which the Countess stole and had hidden. For her crime, the Countess was burned at the stake, but before she died, she promised to exact revenge on Gertrude. Jason and his mother are direct descendants of Gertrude, and Lana is a direct descendant of Isabelle. If ever there was an example for the term "star-crossed lovers", Lana and Jason would be it.

Although Lionel isn't directly searching for the stones anymore, he knows that his son is, and he knows that he can passive-aggressively get other people to do some of his work as well. For instance, tell Lana her boyfriend is in Shanghai, give her the same map that he has, then offer to fly her to Shanghai. Lana is packing for her little expedition when Clark comes along. He knows that it has something to do with one of the stones, so he offers to come along with her. And to be honest, even though they are not a couple, he isn't going to let her face all of those horrible communists without any help. And although I have serious doubts that the Luthorcorp jet has the range to make it to China from Kansas (maybe with a stop at LAX), it is not a bad way to travel. But come on Lex, any billionaire worth his salt has a BBJ to fly him around.

Jason was not the only person who was in China from Smallville. As it turns out, Lex had followed him (very conveniently leaving the Luthorcorp jet at home so his dad could let Lana and Clark use it later). Lex knew that he couldn't completely trust Jason, so he followed him to China, perhaps thinking that his father or Jason's mother might have told him something to help him find the stone they are looking for. All they need to do is lay low, and make their way up to the temple on the map. Unfortunately for them, two tall white guys tend to attract a lot of attention, including that of the People's Army, who chase them through the streets for a little while before capturing them, driving off (apparently China buys surplus American Hummers for the use of their army), and taking them to a cell.

There is nothing scarier than the phrase "unofficial Chinese prison". After a little while, Lex is dragged off, and when he comes back he has been worked over pretty well. He tells Jason to give up any information he knows, and that it is not worth dying for. It turns out that Lex had paid a Chinese general to give the two a little scare in order to make Jason talk. But as they are dragging Jason away for his little interview, Lex finds out the the Chinese general betrayed him for somebody who had paid him even more money. The strange part was not that the general betrayed Lex, but that Lex acted like this was a somehow strange event. It's not like Lex's money is the only one that is good for corrupting government officials.

While Lex and Jason are incapacitated, Clark and Lana are searching around Shanghai themselves. Lionel doesn't really give them any more instructions besides, follow this street until you see a green rooster. It took me months to understand why there are two Santa Monica Boulevards in Los Angeles, so I can only imagine how hard it must have been to find a green rooster on some random street in Shanghai with not even a little GPS to help them out. They were told a meet a professor at this green rooster, but how in the hell are they going to know what she looks like? Well, they found the green rooster and the professor found them.

The professor, who is not an old, grizzled man with a fu-man-chu and a penchant for ginseng and ginger. Our professor is a hot young woman, who is not any less knowledgeable, but sure does love leather jackets. She retells the ancient story of the temple, how there was an ancient legend about gods from another planet bestowing leaving an ancient artifact at the temple. Then there was some talk about how some Europeans came, but they were never able to find the artifact. (This is where you are supposed to figure out that those Europeans were working for the Dutchess). While in the temple, Clark notices that there is a false wall. He makes up some excuse for Lana and the professor to go on while he investigates a little more. He pushes the wall, which reveals a silk robe, woven with a pattern that looks like the same map that took Lex so long to find, but is now passed around more often that those star maps on Sunset Boulevard. There is also a chinese mask above the robe, and when Clark gets closer he finds that the mask is inlaid with Kryptonite eyes and is quickly weakened to the point he can't move.

Looks like Clark will have to wait around for Lana and the professor to find him. They will get around eventually, they will wonder what took him so long. Before those thoughts enter their head, some soldiers come in and see the two of them. They shoot the professor on sight, and are about to kill Lana when they notice the tattoo on her back, recognize it, and decide they need to see if she knows anything about it. They take Lana back to the prison (do they have a secret prison for every ancient temple? it seems like you can't find one without the other in any movies these days), where we see that Jason and Lex are getting a little electrocution treatment with a car battery and a wet sponge. Not to worry though, because they are soon to get a break.

The general removes the battery because there is going to be a new inmate in town, one Lana Lang. The guys see that Lana is brought in, and both of them are likely blaming themselves for the fact that she is there, Lex because he paid the general, and Jason because he knows Lana was probably looking for him. Lana is tied down to a chair which is terrible, but better than hanging from the ceiling like her two friends. She also has another ace up her sleeve - a 17th century witch that had possessed her body. Although the Isabelle had been stopped before, there is still a part of her inside Lana, and she is determined not to let anything happen to the hot body she possesses. Once Lana has the electro sponge applied, the Countess reappears in her body, complete with all of the witch powers she needs to magically blast away Red Army soldiers with a hardly a thought.

During the time Lana was going through her mental break, the soldiers at the temple found Clark. Finding it too convenient to shoot him right away, they make sure they take the time to move him just out of range of the kryptonite before they start to work him over a little bit. This gives Clark all of his strength back, which he uses to beat up the guards and rush to save Lana before anything happens to her. He makes it to the prison just in time to see Lana has been possessed, and she sees him just in time to knock him out with one of her nifty energy rays. She then walks on, map in hand, to find this elusive stone.

Clark soon awoke, and helped Lex and Jason down. All three went to the temple and inspected the robe, Clark at a safe distance of course. What they had all believed on the map was a river was actually a different sort of map. The river was actually the branches of a tree, and looking through the same tree would give you the true location of stone. Lana knew this, and she performs a spell at this spot and pulled a statue of a horse from the ground that bore more than a small resemblance to Seths Cohen's Captain Oats.

I had been sort of wondering the whole episode why any of this was taking place in China, and I would soon find out. After breaking the horse in half, the sacred stone was revealed, and Clark raced in just in time to grab it. Isabelle used another energy beam to knock Clark out, but the fighting would not end there. The two find themselves inside of the temple, and the Countess is pissed. She finds her inner Ang Lee and they start doing some low budget Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon moves. Clark takes a sword through the shoulder, it bleeds profusely (although nobody will ask about the blood later, of course), but it doesn't stop him. They fight, some more until they collide, conveniently knocking both of them out, and restoring Lana to her original state. She of course has no memory of what was going on, and all three of them head back to Smallville.

Once home, Lex immediately goes after his dad. He thinks that he set him up, and blames him for what happened. We have been getting more and more hints that Lionel is really his old self, but the time in prison seems to have made him patient. He is now fine with letting other people get worked up about it. Although he tells Lex not to go crazy with the search for the stones, you know he is secretly counting on Lex to try even harder to find all of them.

We aren't quite sure how long everybody was gone, but you can be assured that his parents weren't happy to learn that he had been missing in China, especially with all of those college apps to finish. He went to get the stone, but in the aftermath of his struggle with Isabelle, he wasn't able to find it. To make it worse, he received a posthumous e-mail from Dr. Swann stating that he was going to return the one piece of the stone he had to Clark, but Clark never received it, of course. What's worse, whoever Bridgett Crosby was, nobody knew about her, certainly not the people at the Swann institute. (If this seemed like a strange twist, the NY Times article was mentioning that Margot Kidder was not going to be on the show again with a "contract issue" to blame. I guess this was their way of writing her out of the season).

Not everybody came out of China empty handed. The stone was not lost in the battle of Clark and Lana, Jason had picked it up. He tells this to Lana, and all of a sudden, everything is right in there world. He lied, she was pissed, but this stone was the perfect make up gift, at least for their current relationship. There is that whole thing about the Countess determined to exact revenge on any of the Dutchess's heirs that they are going to have to work through.

Overall, an up and down episode. I like that we got more information, but the whole China sideshow was a little forced. Everybody was tortured, and although it takes some people years to overcome the scars of abuse, the folks of Smallville are fine just a day later. Still, after the killer krypton dogs, I can live with a few more episodes like this.

Posted by at 12:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

When we here at TVgasm talk about lame Real World episodes, we can pretty much use tonight's installment as our frame of reference. Not only did very little happen, but the few morsels of conflict that did trickle out were so ridiculous, I actually feared these roommates might be in need of some sort of intervention.

Tonight's episode was all about MJ. What makes him tick? What does he love? Why won't he cut his hair? We didn't really get any answers, but we did learn that Landon has a burgeoning Single White Female obsession with MJ, and we can only hope that things get real violent real soon.

Tonight's episode began with MJ, Landon and Shavonda dining in what appeared to be the back corner of some restaurant's kitchen. MJ announced that he wants to slow down; although, we're still not certain what exactly was going too fast for him in the first place. Was it life? Partying? Or maybe just the average speed of human conversation? My money is on the latter. Landon, meanwhile, nodded his head appreciatively. You see, Landon knows all about slowing down. When his drinking got out of hand earlier this season, he slowed down to five beers a night. And now he's back up to twelve. It just goes to show you: Landon's an alcoholic.

Anyway, all this babbling about slowing down somehow transitioned into MJ praising his girlfriend, Ashley. Turns out the Southern Belle was coming to town that weekend, and MJ was so darn excited that his curly moptop expanded three full sizes. This visit would be the big test of their relationship, he informed us gravely, adding "I plan to raise our children in my hair." Now here's the real question. Each time one of these home town honeys visits a Real World cast member, it's always considered a huge test. Exactly what sort of unstable relationships are these people engaging in that the simple act of paying a visit constitutes a reexamination of their entire history? And why are their significant others so fragile that they invariably wilt and die after a brush with the cameras? If visiting someone threatens to undermine the security of a romance, something tells me the security pretty much isn't there anyway. But I guess that's what you get when one side of the relationship is looking to trade up for fame and fortune via a plum starring role on MTV's flagship reality franchise.

Sadly, these Philadelphia kids didn't have my expert advice, and so MJ called his lady on the phone and proceeded to engage in dull pillow talk. Their romantic cooing was fairly forgettable, but in short, MJ apparently wanted to kiss Ashley multiple times and then, if time allowed, touch her boob. Around the corner, Landon listened in and as a single tear rolled down his cheek, he whispered to himself, "That's what I want to do to you, MJ. That's what I want to do to you..."

Interjected into the middle of this saccharine moment was the random information that MJ's best friend in the whole wide world would be paying a visit that weekend also. According to MJ, his friend David is JUST like him... except he's 7'1", black, and in the NBA, but those are just minor technicalities. In other news, MJ has just informed me that I'm Tracy McGrady's long lost twin.

The weekend finally arrived, but not all was well in Ashley world. She called to announce that there was a five hour delay in the Nashville airport. Even worse, there'd be a two hour delay at the Washington layover. Extremely ominous music played as Ashley complained "I have to be in