By m_ruv and B-Side

FINALLY. After a red wine-, Xanax-, and whippets-induced delay of which only Margot Kidder or Tom Sizemore could be proud, TVgasm presents minute-by-minute Academy Awards coverage—a Herculean (or perhaps Hecheian) bi-coastal effort brought to you by TVgasm's Los Angeles and New York offices in tandem.

The Red Carpet
I know B-Side already provided live commentary on the red carpet, but I really do feel a need to comment myself. The moment I turn on the TV at 4:29pm, eager for Oscar coverage, the first thing I see is Star Jones "interviewing" Clive Owen. The awkwardness level is best left undescribed.

Hoping for greener pastures, I switch to TV Guide Channel, only to find Joan Rivers attempting to chat up Virginia Madsen, clearly with no idea who Ms. Madsen is or why she's there. So back to E! for "relief," only to find that Star Jones WILL NOT SHUT UP about "glamazons." She seems to think every woman she meets should be called a "glamazon." Little does Star know that, in New York City at least, the Glamazons are a troupe of plus-size women who do burlesque acts downtown. Or who knows, maybe that's the comparison she's going for. Although my guess is that she's probably just thinking about the buffet.

Seriously, by 5:02pm, I'm already at merriam-webster.com looking up synonyms for "awful," because between Star Jones, Kathy Griffin, Joan and Melissa Rivers, and Billy Bush, I certainly am gonna need them. Thankfully, the show is about to start.

5:30pm
The awards ceremony begins with the standard masturbatory movie montage, this time narrated by Dustin Hoffman, waxing poetic and self-important about the universality of movies, the poetry of onscreen gun violence, etc. Platitudes and banalities abound, warming the pacemaker-controlled hearts of drooling, wheelchair-bound Academy members everywhere.

5:34pm
The announcer introduces host Chris Rock. About 900 pairs of Depends undergarments in the elderly white audience are suddenly, umm, laden. Mr. Rock's first words are "Sit yo asses down." He welcomes us to the "77th and last Academy Awards." This could be a good night.

5:35pm
Mr. Rock mentions that there'll be singing, dancing, and shooting—and the cameras cut immediately to P. Diddy. Then Prof. Rock informs us that "You doing a movie about the past, you best to get Russell [Crowe]'s ass." My god, this is stellar. His voice alone should get a lifetime achievement award.

5:42pm
Oprah is shocked by the aggressively urban monologue. "Goodness me, those Negroes!" she thinks.

5:43pm
Obligatory shout-out to U.S. troops fighting in Iraq as Hollywood tries to cover its leftist ass.

5:44pm
Halle Berry comes out to present Best Art Direction. Damn, she really is one of those people who just cannot ever look bad. But why is Art Direction first rather than Supporting Actress? And it appears the nominees are gonna be onstage this time as the winner is announced. This is odd. Anyway, The Aviator gets its first Oscar. Lame.

5:47pm
In immediate, sharp, and unflattering contrast to Halle Berry, disaster Renée Zellweger comes out to present Best Supporting Actor. Ms. Zellweger looks, and is, awful. Attempting to be a geisha, she fails miserably; geishas are exotically pale, you dumb ho, not hideously pasty.

I'm coy.

5:50pm
Finally, Morgan Freeman wins. Thank god. Cynical as I may try to be, this is really nice. But never fear, I'm sure John Travolta or somebody will ruin it later. Aww, Morgan Freeman and Clint Eastwood are so cute together. Don't you just wanna see them move to Vermont and get a civil union?

5:54pm
Robin Williams comes out and does every impression he can think of. I've long figured he'd need euthanasia, or at least sedation, sometime. Maybe now is that time.

6:00pm
Ooh, the producers are getting fancy. Cate Blanchett is presenting not from onstage but from within the audience, from one of the aisles. For those keeping score at home, the BLANchett/blanCHETT watch is at 1:3 right now.

Cate Blanchett avoids eye contact with the non-celebrities, who thankfully have been safely quarantined from the stage.

6:02pm
Always-a-presenter-never-a-nominee Drew Barrymore introduces the first performance for Original Song. It's Beyoncé, in full tennis-ball-chic makeup. Seriously, I haven't seen green eyeshadow like that since my days backstage at Starlight Express.

6:03pm
Beyoncé is singing en français (or at least trying). For once she's actually attempting to earn that damn accent mark on her name.

6:11pm
As a funny experiment, they put Chris Rock back in his element and send him to the Magic Johnson Theatres in South Central. We're treated to our first "you're really up on me," "baby's daddy," and "kiss my black ass" of the evening.

6:13pm
Veering back to WASPiness, we now have Scarlett Johansson, reviewing the Scientific and Technical Awards, no less. Appropriately enough, Ms. Johansson, famous for easy access to her box, is presenting from a box. I love subtle touches like that.

6:16pm
Ridiculously, they pair 007 actor Pierce Brosnan with the award for Best Costume Design. What's next, Marlee Matlin presenting Sound Editing?

6:20pm
Cate Blanchett wins Best Supporting Actress. With the BLANchett/blanCHETT watch at 1:5, I think we've settled the ages-old mystery and can settle on blanCHETT. I love Ms. Blanchett, but her speech is oddly cold, unemotional, and academic, relating her "indescribable surprise and honoUr" at winning. Please honey, you're not such a good actor onstage—we all know the bookies had you pegged by 2:1 odds. Just say thanks and go drink.

6:28pm
Time for the inevitable Johnny Carson tribute. It's funny to watch Chris Rock try to navigate the schizophrenic about-faces from urban-bling to elderly-WASP. The producers try to smooth the black-white transition with some Carson-nostalgia interview clips from Whoopi Goldberg, but I'm not fooled—we all know she's a cracker-ass lesbian deep down.

6:35pm
The announcer introduces "the lovable Mike Myers" to introduce the song from Shrek 2. I could see "doughy" or "squinty," but certainly not "lovable." Counting Crows comes out to sing, with Adam Duritz, as always, looking like a live-action Sideshow Bob. Really, what is he thinking.

6:40pm
An elaborate joke setup with Adam Sandler and a non-present Catherine Zeta-Jones falls crashingly flat. Bravo.

6:45pm
Jake Gyllenhaal and Zhang Ziyi, inexplicably introduced as "Z.Z. Yang," come out to present Best Visual Effects. The skinhead shit doesnt work for you Jake. Try dowdy and frumpy; it seems to work for your sister.

6:46pm
Nice quick camera cut to the lesbian clapping section. Oddly, Marcia Cross is missing.

6:47pm
Oh great. It's the low point of every year, Academy president Frank Pierson. Seriously, this guy has more momentum-killing power than Star Jones at the carving station. He claims his "sermon is going to be brief," and god do I want to believe it.

6:49pm
Al Pacino comes out to present the honorary Oscar for this year, to director Sidney Lumet. While Mr. Lumet may be most famous for his body of work, his greatest contributions may be his two voluptuous daughters, whose titanic mammaries threaten to burst forth at any second. Extra props to Lumet for transforming Vin Diesel into the thuggish lawyer we always knew he could be.

Just exactly who ARE these women in Sidney Lumet's box?

Why it's Paula Abdul and Camilla Parker Bowles!

7:05pm
Emmy Rossum comes out to present the song from Phantom of the Opera. Jesus, it's Beyoncé again. What, Sarah Brightman wasn't available? Beyoncé stands tall and isolated over the musicians, but luckily a wayward Phantom of the Oscars is present to escort her down to normal altitudes. The camera zooms in close to the bejeweled Beyoncé, and I fully expect her at any moment to exclaim "WHITE DIAMONDS!"

7:07pm
My god, the song is awful. It's saved by a quick cut to Prince, the nearest "black" audience member they could find.

And the Oscar for Best Beyoncé Performance at the Academy Awards goes to... Beyoncé for her portrayal of Beyoncé at the Academy Awards!

7:08pm
They just introduced presenter Jeremy Irons as a "comedy superstar." Is there crystal meth in this wine?

7:09pm
Mr. Burns—uh, I mean Mr. Irons—emerges from his crypt and appears in the audience. Dressed like Mozart without the wig, he recites the nominees for Best Short Film. He is unfazed by a loud bang in the background and even goes so far as to make a witty joke. Sadly, we later learn that Don Cheadle has been shot by a coked-up Imelda Staunton.

7:10pm
What is with Laura Linney and hideous, caked-on makeup at awards shows? She did the same thing at the Tonys. For god's sake, next time use a brush, not a spatula. Anyway, she gets stuck with man-on-the-street duty as she too patrols the audience for spare nominees. She proudly asserts that animation is "an industry that has amused billions of people in millions of audiences in thousands of theaters in hundreds of towns." Okay, you know your factors of ten. GREAT. Maybe you'd like to do a logarithm, just to shake things up.

7:18pm
Ah, black-Jew jokes. I was waiting for those.

7:20pm
Holy shit, Chris Rock says "You won't be able to take your eyes off these next four presenters, Penélope Cruz and Salma Hayek." Reread that and then take bets on what the FCC fine will be.

7:21pm
Why is it so funny to hear Ms. Cruz and Ms. Hayek talking together? I don't really listen to what they're really talking about since I'm imagining them both saying "Frida! Frida! Frida!"

7:35pm
The announcer tells us to please welcome Academy Award loser Natalie Portman. Ms. Portman says that the films she's presenting "are this year's outstanding nominees for Best Documentary Short Subject, and I applaud them." AS DO THY LOYAL SUBJECTS, QUEEN AMIDALA.

7:37pm
Taking the creepy award of the night, the Dick-Cheneyesque winner of Best Documentary Short Subject says he's been rehearsing his acceptance speech in the bathtub since age eight. Sadly, the speech doesn't live up to my suddenly lofty expectations. Thankfully, blatant cutoff music ensues, embarrassing all.

7:40pm
Random observation, but what's with the six-foot-four spokesmodels they have flanking the stage this year? I mean they usually have models, but they're not usually, like, GIANT MEN. One of them looks like Melania Knauss, but she's probably busy polishing Donald Trump's Oscar, if you know what I mean.

7:41pm
Jan Kaczmarek wins for his Finding Neverland score. Question: Have you ever seen Jan Kaczmarek and Jane Kaczmarek in the same room? I didn't think so.

7:47pm
Three-time Academy Award loser Annette Bening takes the stage. She tells us, "You may recognize my hairstyle from such Japanese video games as Final Fantasy VIII and Dragonball Z." And why is she onstage? Ah, to usher in the much-awaited DEATH/POPULARITY MONTAGE. "Now hear an internationally acclaimed soloist performing the sarabande from the Sixth Unaccompanied Suite for Cello by Johann Sebastian Bach... ladies and gentlemen, Beyoncé." Actually, our only non-Sandra Oh Asian of the night, Yo-Yo Ma, comes out instead. But rather than play a cello, he sits Beyoncé on his lap and runs his bow across her stomach.

7:51pm
It's that time again! Who's the most popular dead person!?! We start off strongly with Ronald Reagan. Oooh, hard to beat that: he was an actor AND a president. Carrie Snodgrass gets a major snub with barely any applause whatsoever—a major blow to the Snodgrass lobby. Phil Gersh gets a round of applause, but mostly from the agents at Gersh. Too "inside." Jerry Orbach, late of Dirty Dancing and cancer, surprises everyone by stealing the lead. Baby's been put in the corner, and her name is Ronald Reagan! Oh but wait! Janet Leigh bitchslaps Jerry Orbach back into the grave as she snags the popularity vote for herself. We like Janet, but she can't hold onto this title for very long. She's like the Riddick Bowe of dead people. Janet makes short work of a few film composers, but you can't beat a man in a wheelchair. That's right, Christopher Reeve comes rolling right out of heaven to lay claim to most popular dead person. Not even Ossie Davis or Rodney Dangerfield can top him. It looks like he's got this one in the can, ladies and gentlemen. But wait, what's that sound? It's a thunderous ovation. AWWW SHIT! Marlon Brando in the HIZZOUSE! Christopher Reeve throws in the towel. It's over! Brando takes it! The curse is over! Boston wins!

7:55pm
Okay, back to reality, where they have P. Diddy introducing the song from Polar Express. Finally, a combination that makes sense. In any case, he calls Polar Express "hip" and "creative." Either he has a very dry sense of humor or he's lobbying to be in The Da Vinci Code with Tom Hanks.

7:56pm
Mr. Combs introduces the fifth and final song: a duet/shrieking duel between Beyoncé and Josh Groban. Finally! I'd been waiting all night for Mr. Groban's dull, ear-numbing voice. The singers share the stage with a giant locomotive, which I pray roars to life and runs over Mr. Groban. Sadly, he remains intact. I cry. And what's with Beyoncé's THIRD APPEARANCE? Couldn't they at least dig up Debbie Harry? Alannah Myles? One of the Weather Girls?

8:00pm
Prince presents the nominees for Best Original Song. We try to look the other way as he slowly undresses Helen Mirren with his eyes. The artist formerly known as the pin on Johnny Depp's collar announces the winner for Best Original Song to be that crappy dirge Salma Hayek loved so much. The winner, rather than thank the Academy, just sings his own song in Spanish once again. Shut up Nando, we heard it already.

8:02pm
My friend points out that Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith are just a bizarro, surgery-scarred version of Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn. How did I not notice that before.

Antonio Banderas could probably use a little more molasses in his hair. Where's Benicio Del Toro when you need him?

8:04pm
Sean Penn is out to present Best Actress, looking catastrophically exfoliated.

8:06pm
Meet Hilary Swank, a girl from a trailer park who had a dream. Despite the fact that she's wearing a set of K-mart drapes, with the highest neckline known to man (or transman), her breathless and heartfelt acceptance speech manages to be to be endearing. Chad Lowe makes his repeat appearance as most feminine husband ever. Despite an attempted cutoff from the Academy orchestra, Ms. Swank's inevitable Clint Eastwood blowjob ensues. Hell, she's done it ten times already, what's one more. As she's being ushered offstage, Ms. Swank shouts "WAIT!" Good god! Whom, pray tell, has she forgotten? Is there a dying relative in need of a mention? No. Hilary urgently thanks her publicist and then sashays off, retroactively destroying the entire dramatic impact of her speech. Yes, the Oscars are all about the art, people.

8:09pm
The announcer says "we'll be back with Gwyneth Paltrow." Holy shit, I better cancel my dinner plans.

8:13pm
Ms. Paltrow informs us sadly that because of time restrictions, she won't be able to introduce all the Best Foreign Film nominees in their respective languages. Instead, she'll use her native tongue, Poseur.

8:23pm
Mercifully non-tantastic Charlize Theron arrives onstage but unfortunately is unable to disentangle herself from the roll of chiffon she's stumbled into. She announces that she's presenting the award for Best Actor. Well, I guess it's that time of the night. Commence bracing for cloying Jamie Foxx speech...

8:25pm
In an admirable display of professionalism and dedication to his craft, Mr. Foxx puts out his own eyes just to get into character for his acceptance speech. Out, vile jelly!

8:26pm
Jamie Foxx wins the Oscar. Yay. Man, I hope he does some Ray Charles stuff. Maybe that "oooh, ahhh" thing. Sure enough, he does! Wow, that was really unexpected. Hey, he should thank his grandma too! In the audience, Salma Hayek clutches her chest: "That was almost as beautiful as that Motorcyle Diaries song! Frida." Mr. Foxx thanks his cute daughter, who smiles proudly. "Thanks daddy! Can you fix my teeth now?" Jamie finally gets back on script as he says, "My grandmother's no longer here." OH REALLY? I didn't know that from the fifty other times you mentioned her at award shows. Why don't you tell us about her influence? "She still talks to me in my dreams," Jamie says tearfully. Ah yes. That's the stuff. Well rehearsed! Well rehearsed indeed!

8:30pm
I can't help but note that at Mr. Foxx's mention of the "African-American Dream," Oprah Herself gives a black-power/mad-props fist. Sheeeit. If only Phylicia Rashad were here.

8:32pm
Julia Roberts strolls onto the stage, still apparently loving her life (and nursing too, vavavoom!). "Happy Birthday Marva!" she says at the outset of her presentation. Hey Marva, tell your friend Julia to shut up and read the nominations.

8:34pm
Clint Eastwood becomes the third actor-turned-director (behind Robert Redford and, gulp, Kevin Costner) to beat Martin Scorsese for Best Director. Mr. Eastwood's acceptance speech is humble and thoughtful, and the audience gasps with joy upon learning that his 96-year-old mother is still alive AND in their presence. Yay Clint Eastwood's mom! Prince then has sex with her.

8:36pm
In a new low, a bored, possibly drunk Dustin Hoffman presents Best Picture, accompanied by fellow Focker Barbra Streisand. The two stumble over their lines in an oh-so-comical manner that only Warren Beatty seems to appreciate. Could they have TRIED to rehearse? In any case, Million Dollar Baby wins (yes!), and Martin Scorsese excuses himself to shoot his brains out in the bathroom. Hey Marty, here's how to win an Oscar: make a good movie.

Hooray!

Posted by at 8:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (23)

The OC is in trouble. The once witty and addictive show has hit the skids this season, and if the writers don't act quickly, they'll effectively alienate most of their audience. I've always been a big booster of The OC. I think the show has great potential, but somewhere along the line the writers and producers lost sight of what makes the show work in favor of what they think will make them popular. Yes, there will always be people who think The OC can do no wrong, and there will always be people who think The OC will always be crap. But for everyone else in between —  and I think it's safe to say that's the majority of the viewers (based on no statistical evidence whatsoever) — The OC has become a frustrating experience. We approach each episode thinking "This will be the one where they bring back the magic," but by the end of the show we're usually disappointed, wishing we'd spent less time with The Killers and more time with the characters.

Luckily, we here at TVgasm are always happy to lend our services to an ailing show. After careful analysis, we've come up with a (lengthy) set of guidelines to steer The OC back on course. Our advice after the jump...

Last season, The OC quickly gained that ever-elusive status of "buzz-worthy". That's because what looked like a simple teen soap turned out to be a cleverly written, multi-layered show that adults could not only enjoy but recommend to their peers. The series was a fun mix of classism, witty banter, and pulpy story lines. Tonally, the show worked best when it kept things light and funny with occasional touches of darkness. A multi-episode run featuring a hectic Thanksgiving, a cotillion gone wrong, a gay outing, and the famed Chrismakkuh celebration served as the golden age for this show. Those episodes featured minimum brooding and a complex interweaving of all the characters in each other's stories.

These days, Desperate Housewives has effectively become the nighttime soap du jour. Like The OC's first season, the ABC hit benefits from sharp writing, campy plots, a light and humorous tone, and an elaborate web of characters so interconnected that conflicts just seem to organically flow forth. Sadly, The OC has lost many of these qualities. It tries to keep things peppy and fun, but everything simply feels forced, especially since half the characters are crying or brooding or complaining most of the time anyway. Conflicts arrive on the characters' doorstep with a thud, and the entire world of The OC seems to have disappeared completely. So what should the writers do?

1) Provide a context.
At this point, The OC could very well be named "The Cohens." It's no longer about class conflict and personal strife in paradise. It's about a large extended family and the unfortunate guest characters that occasionally cross its path. In its second season, the show has quietly tossed away the entire social context of the very geographical location from which it derives its name. Gone are the crazy teen parties with the threesomes in the bedroom and the cocaine in the bathroom and the keg in the livingroom and the fights on the beach. Gone are the menacing water polo bullies and any other clique that might be roaming through the high school. Gone are the snotty Newport ladies gossiping after Yoga-lates class and throwing silly key parties.

Yes, the high school parties have been replaced with Seth and Ryan playing video games or visiting the Bait Shop (more on that later). The high school heirarchy has been replaced with a comic book club. And the Newport wags have been replaced with... Caleb. There's no socio-economic context, and without that, there are no social pressures on any of these characters. For example, Seth was endearing as the nerdy high schooler who pined after the hot, popular Summer but feared the wrath of the ever vengeful jocks, led by Luke. Now Seth is neither popular nor unpopular. He no longer navigates through the complex social environment of Newport Beach. He just sort of exists and complains. There's no backdrop to his character, and for once, we actually do feel like he's sort of a loser.

Similarly, there's a disconnect between the characters and the audience, making it increasingly difficult to relate. Before, we recognized their plights, their pressures, their motivations because in some way, they reflected ours at some point. We remember the excitement of going to high school parties, the fear of not dressing the right way, the apprehension of talking to that girl or guy who really wants nothing to do with you. Now the characters live in a vacuum. They rarely break out of their circle and seem to spend a large amount of time with their parents. Everyone is squeaky clean, except of course Marissa whose vices can all be chalked up to her being a bad girl. No one seems to, well, party anymore. That's not to say that everyone in high school drinks and smokes and has threesomes amidst piles of cocaine, but teenagers aren't completely innocent either. I'm sorry to report that Marissa's "deviant" behavior isn't so crazy in most high schools. Also, why not make high school a little less incidental. These characters can do more than sit in a lounge and drink coffee. There's a whole world of petty yet universal drama to be had in the hallowed hallways and soccer fields of high school. How the writers could fail to exploit this is beyond me. The show needs to reintroduce both the scholastic and social contexts in order to make this teen environment believable.

Of course, even if we didn't completely identify with the characters, we could always enjoy the campy clash of cultures. Whether it's Julie Cooper's nouveau riche social climbing or the Newport ladies' catty dismissal of Kirsten Cohen's Jewish husband or a cocky Luke boasting "This is how we do it in The OC, bitch!", there's something completely fun and silly about this conflict. Plus, we always enjoyed seeing what people would do in this environment for acceptance, popularity, or mere survival. But again, with the social context absent, these battles have disappeared to the sidelines, and thus this season's twists and turns have been undercut with a growing sense of boredom. Who cares?

2) Have the teenagers act like teenagers.
This sort of echoes the last point. The teenagers just aren't realistic anymore. Granted, they never were totally realistic, but in the first season, they existed as a heightened, exaggerated version of reality. Now they're lame and boring. When they're not going to dumb dinner parties, the teens are getting hopelessly involved in their parents' sagas (Ryan, for one, is constantly embroiled in random adult storylines). Earlier this season, when Sandy punished Seth for being drunk, it worked because for once, Seth was acting his age (and so was Sandy). We need to get behind these characters, and the first step is making their motivations and worlds believable. Going along with that...

3) Make Ryan less self-righteous.
Let's not forget that Ryan is the bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks, specifically Chino. One of the major pitfalls of this series has been its inability to nail down Ryan's character. I believe that's because the writers never encountered someone like Ryan on a day to day basis. Last season, Ryan was short tempered but self-righteous to a fault. He had no fun and in turn sapped the fun away from anyone else. When the group snuck into a club, Ryan made Seth return his alcoholic beverage for a Mountain Dew. He then had the balls to lecture Seth's aunt, Hailey, for dancing (not even stripping) at the club, ultimately pulling her away from her job in front of her boss. Would you ever do that to your friend's aunt? Honestly, Ryan sucks.

It's hard to believe someone from such a tough background would have no vices or struggles. Ryan became angelic overnight, save for the occasional fist fight. But even then, he was always instigated into fighting for a noble and virtuous cause. There is hardly ever any true internal struggle with Ryan. No sense that his roots might catch up with him. Yeah, there have been scenes with Ryan and his no-good family, but these moments are rare and isolated. It's like the writers are saying "RYAN IS CONFLICTED." As they say, don't tell us about it, show us. On a day to day basis, we don't see the constant grappling between the Chino and Newport lifestyles. It's just all virtue, all the time. The only lapse occurred when he impregnated Theresa, and amazingly enough, not one character admonished him for underage sex without a condom. That subplot played less like a teen caught between his two worlds and more like the writers throwing in a twist for twist's sake, especially when the entire pregnancy plot was, er, aborted in this season's premiere.

Ryan 2005 is thankfully a little more lighthearted than last year, but his righteousness remains, and his constant nosiness and preaching makes him completely unlikable. His status as outsider has all but vanished, and now all he does is meddle in other people's business and cause chaos. Plus he's a downer and needlessly dramatic. Who wants to watch that?

4) Know when to kill a story.
One of the more nagging problems with The OC is its inability to gauge the tedious plots from the promising ones. Unfortunately, we usually get stuck with the lame stuff while the fun stories resolve themselves in three-episode arcs. Oliver has become the poster child for ridiculously poor OC plotting, but I think we can add the plight of Theresa, Rebecca, and occasionally Lindsay on the heap as well. Also overlong: the improbable romance between Alex and Marissa.

Surprisingly enough, the most kill-worthy rut this season has been the ongoing romance of Seth and Summer. Everyone loves these two. Everyone was happy to see them kiss again this week, even if it was in a contrived Spider-Man ripoff/ode. But not everyone was happy with the four months of whining and complaining that led up to this moment. The once charming and lovable Seth became a broken record this season as he moped around in a state of self-pity in the wake of losing Summer. There were minor variations on his malaise as he occasionally directed his pathos onto Alex and Zach, but at the end of the day, the writers managed to drive his character into the ground. Season 1 Seth was great because he simply never thought he had a shot at anyone. He pined from afar but was ultimately too shy and too awkward to do anything productive. His quirky banter was actually a self-defense mechanism, not a gimmick. Now he's confident, which isn't necessarily bad, but he's annoying too.

Compounding this is the fact that it never made any sense why Seth broke up with Summer, the love of his life, to go sailing into the unknown at the end of last year's season. Never mind that the whole sailing thing was completely contrived, but why would he ever dump Summer because of Ryan? That false note became the shaky foundation for the various Seth-Summer-Zach-Alex dramas, and unfortunately, none of those plots ever took off because at its core, we couldn't believe that any of this would exist in the first place. As a result, this entire love rhombus felt forced and uninteresting, causing a large portion of the show to simply spin in its wheels and inevitably stall.

On the flipside to all this are the fun, campy-delights of stories that seem to end before they've even begun. One of my favorite developments last season was the farfetched romance between Luke and Julie Cooper. It was pure, soapy trash, and I loved it. Sadly, after a few episodes, the writers not only put the kibotch on it, but they sent Luke packing to Portland, effectively ending his time on The OC. Yeah, his character by then had turned a little lame, but Luke also represented one of the rare non-dork voices on the show. Losing him meant losing a crucial counterbalance that's desperately needed this season. Other here-today, gone-tomorrow moments: that blond lawyer who hit on Sandy but then wound up with Jimmy; Marissa's friend who hooked up with Luke; Marissa's secret affair with DJ; and any impending lawsuit that Sandy works on for more than two episodes.

Sometimes it's not so much that a story will wrap up quickly but rather that a plot development might occur before the show has really taken the time to pump all the dramatic juice out of it. Taking Marissa's recent lesbian affair as an example, a smart soap would have had fun with it. No, I'm not talking about pillow fights in undies — although I certainly wouldn't disparage that. I'm talking about playing with the secret nature of the relationship. Two weeks ago, Marissa and Alex shared their first kiss. Last week, Marissa told Summer about Alex. This week, Marissa told her mom AND she was caught by Seth who then told Ryan. Oh, and Julie told Kirsten too. So basically everyone knows. Three episodes in and already a major source for dramatic tension has been dispelled. Whatever happened to the old fashioned method of sneaking around, then somebody finds out, then that person is sworn to secrecy, but that causes complications and so on and so forth? Already in that theoretical situation we have a mounting conflict stemming from one dramatic seed. Not only that, as the story line evolves, it draws in more and more characters who organically become relevant to the plot and each other. Which brings me to my next point:

5) Integrate stories and characters more seemlessly.
At this point in the season, we have several plot threads that are more or less tangental at best. It seems as though almost any character could drop out of the show and have minimum impact. As of this week, our four main stories have been Sandy and Kirsten dealing with Rebecca and their marriage; Seth grappling with Summer and Zach; Ryan and Lindsay adjusting to their relationships with Caleb; and Marissa and Alex getting it on. Pretty much none of these stories have anything to do with each other, and their only links come from occasional gossiping between the characters. Any twists in one plot have had no bearing on how another plot has taken shape. Not only is this lazy soap writing, but it serves to only make the show feel disjointed and random. No one's lives seem to intersect except at the inevitable big party, but even then, that's pushing it. Look at Marissa and Summer. They're supposedly best friends, but how often do we see them hanging out together anymore? The answer is rarely — because they're in different story lines.

Comparing with Desperate Housewives again (and yes, I know it's a different show but just humor me), we can see how the characters in that show are completely intertwined. Try to follow this description:

Last Sunday's installment of Desperate Housewives found Gabrielle being courted by a new gardener who wanted to have sex with her. Turns out this kid was Justin, the roommate of John who had previously had sex with Gabrielle but was now dating Bree Van De Kamp's daughter Danielle. Justin told Gabrielle that if she didn't have sex with him, he'd tell her husband that she slept with John. Gabrielle in turn showed up at Justin and John's apartment and told Justin that she was going to tell John that his roommate was trying to sleep with her. Justin pleaded for forgiveness, explaining that he just wanted to sleep with her because he thought he might be gay and it would be the final test. Meanwhile, the sketchy kid who's in love with Susan Meyer's daughter threw a party which everyone went to. Susan had prohibited her daughter from going to the party, and when she went to fetch her, she stumbled upon Justin and Bree Van De Kamp's son, Andrew making out.

So what does this mean in terms of The OC? The above plot description is a great example of characters who have all become interconnected in organic, albeit soapy, ways. A story line pertaining to Gabrielle suddenly impacts a story line pertaining to Susan, with Bree unwittingly caught in the middle. Remove one character from this elaborate string of events, and the entire thing falls apart. Furthermore, this scenario generates conflict as a smooth outgrowth of previous plot developments. What will these two gay teens do? What unique relationship does Susan have with them now? Who will she tell? How will that person react?

Going back to the Alex/Marissa lesbian relationship, that plot exists in a complete bubble compared to the similar story on Desperate Housewives. I suppose the writers are trying to go for a more realistic tone, examining the rise and fall of a relationship, as opposed to the soap opera implications. But then, is that really the sort of show we want out of The OC? Isn't it at heart a soap opera? Trying to be both a serious drama and a guilty pleasure may completely undermine the show.

Additionally, because these isolated plot threads seem unable to generate conflicts and evolve naturally, the writers frequently have to introduce new plot developments (often out of nowhere) to keep the show moving forward. The silly adventures of Rebecca, Sandy's long lost love turned fugitive, serve as a perfect example of this type of plotting. One day everything's fine, and then the next day Sandy's old law professor arrives to say he's dying and he wants to see his daughter. It's like the writers basically said to us "Okay, we don't have any ideas left so we're going to bring in something from left field that has nothing to do with anything." Other characters seemingly forced on us were Zach, DJ, Alex, and Lindsay, all of whom appeared in the first two or three episodes of this season. We're expected to care about these characters to some degree, but if a plot moves forward before we're on board with the new faces, chances are we're not going to care.

In contrast, look at Anna and Caleb during season 1. Both characters showed up for a few episodes but stayed on the sidelines, sometimes not reappearing until several installments later. We weren't expected to care about them intensely off the bat, but we grew to enjoy their presence because they were assimilated naturally into the flow of the season. Alex, on the other hand, arrived out of nowhere this season and within a few episodes was already dating Seth. Then they broke up, and we actually had to endure several episodes of Seth getting over her. Meanwhile, we never even cared in the first place.

6) Stop eliminating good characters.
Now, I know sometimes this isn't really the writers' choice. Sometimes actors get better gigs elsewhere or sometimes politics send a person from a show. But still, the rapid emigration of enjoyable characters from The OC is somewhat alarming. First fan-favorite Anna fell by the wayside, then Luke, then Hailey, then even Jimmy. And let's not forget the minor characters we would have liked more of: bratty Kaitlin Cooper (Marissa's little sister); slutty Holly (Marissa's rival); and seductive Rachel (Sandy's co-worker). There's so much potential in all these characters that it baffles me why the writers keep dropping them in favor of new faces. Even Renée Wheeler, Caleb's mistress and mother to Lindsay, could have promise as The Other Woman of The OC, but alas, it seems as though she and her daughter are off to the character graveyard of Chicago. Again, the writers should work with the what they have and gradually integrate new characters and scenarios in a natural, unforced way.

7) Stop taking us out of the moment.
A major problem with The OC this season is that it's become too smug, too cute, too self-aware for its own good. Again, this is a trend that began last year and has fully grown into an enormous hinderance. When The OC first hit the airwaves back in 2003, people praised its smart dialogue and witty cultural references. Somehow though, these savvy observations about pop culture morphed into ironically self-aware comments about the show itself, and what was once the great defining voice of The OC became a wink-wink, nudge-nudge parade of in-joke allusions. It's reached a point where it seems like the writers are trying to outsmart us or at least reassure the audience that they, in fact, know what's up. Unfortunately, all this does is take us out of the moment. We become keenly aware that we're watching a written form of entertainment, and whatever momentum had been building in the scene is completely lost. Yes, people are self-aware in real life, and I'd expect so much from the characters, but we don't need cutesy comments like Summer's latest "Are you going to advance the plot?" Particularly garish in this respect is the presence of "The Valley", the fictional soap that every teen watches in The OC. Ha ha. We get it. Just this week though, the writers took a stab at MTV's Laguna Beach by introducing "Sherman Oaks: The Real Valley." It's one thing to parody pop culture, but quite another to wink at the audience while doing it.

Perhaps the most egregious change in season two, however, is the sudden inclusion of guest bands. The OC has always been known for its keen ability to popularize various indie bands, but now the show has gone from casual hipster to blatant name dropper as acts such as The Killers, The Shins, and Modest Mouse have all graced the hallowed stage of the Bait Shop. Each time one of these bands pops up, it seems as though the show grinds to a halt in order to give ample screen time to the Very Special Guests. Sometimes entire episodes seem centered around having the teens wind up at the Bait Shop so they can ogle at the indie music unfurling in front of them. Frankly, it's distracting, and it's patronizing. We are immediately removed from the moment as we ponder who the musical act is or how contrived it is that they're playing some random club in Newport Beach that's helmed by a seventeen year old girl. That the writers wish us to suspend disbelief so they can get their musical jollies is a cocky gesture at best.

Part of me fears that the show has simply veered into wish fulfillment for the writers. Here we have a cast of mainly outsider characters, and yet they wind up triumphing over assholes like Luke and nabbing all the girls. Their favorite indie bands coincidentally hang out at the local bar, and Zach, the coolest guy in school, just happens to think the rather dorky activities of Seth and Ryan are awesome. I can't help feeling like this is the high school experience Josh Schwartz always wanted but never had.

Nevertheless, the adult characters on The OC have always been well drawn, and I hope the writers use that as a foundation for revitalizing the series. Truth is that there's still a lot of life left in The OC, and the writers are certainly up to the task. They simply need to refocus themselves and get back to what works so well. You see? TVgasm can be good for something.

UPDATE: — apparently we're not alone. Read similar OC criticisms at ESPN.com, Canadian paper Eye Weekly, and fellow blog Scamboogah.

Posted by at 3:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Last year, The OC instantly became a huge part of our pop culture. The problem this year is that the writers are all too well aware of how they influenced the pop culture and believe that fact gives them license to do whatever they want to with the show and think the viewers won't notice or care when large portions of the show suck. B-side is going to chime in with a more in-depth analysis of what is wrong with the show and what they can do to fix it. And although there is only about 15 minutes of the show worth watching each week, I'll still take you through the whole hour.

You might have heard that there was a lot of rain in Los Angeles this year. It is already the fourth wettest on record, and you can sense the change in the mood of Angelinos whenever it turns cloudy. I don't like to say that people in Southern California overreact when it gets a little cold or it starts to rain a little bit, but that is exactly what happens. What those of us who grew up in the northeast know as "sprinkles" people from Los Angeles call "thunderstorms". What we could consider "showers" is better known as a "downpour" and what we would actually call a thunderstorm would result in stretches of highway to close and people to stay inside for fear of getting their hair wet. (But for those of us who do venture outside, we still wear our sunglasses. It is California after all.)

So with this in mind, we see Ryan and Seth, each sequestering themselves inside their houses. Seth wants to talk, but Ryan doesn't want to leave the pool house. Seth has bagels, but Ryan says he needs to clean. Now I finally know why Ryan hasn't moved inside - it would spoil such witty openings such as this one. Seth eventually decides to call Ryan on his phone. Even though Seth's parents are too cheap to buy him a car, there is still plenty of money left around for the pool house to have its own line. They discuss the rain, and Seth mentions that it's like the opening scene from Day After Tomorrow, which is kind of funny because that is the term I have picked up to describe all the rain in Los Angeles. Problem is, the opening scene from the movie took place in Antarctica, the rain didn't come until much later. Some writing assistant should be fired over that mistake.

Let's not dwell on the minor issues, the large picture is that both Seth and Ryan are having girl problems, and once again, they must complain to each other about their problems before they go out and do anything about it. Sounds as if they are more interested in making sure each other is happy than their (ex)girlfriends. Then again, they are living under the same roof as the master of the conflict of interest - Sandy Cohen. For some reason, Sandy is still more interested in making sure his fugitive felon ex-girlfriend is happy than he is in making sure his wife is OK with it. Kirsten is sad, partly because of the rain, partly because of a hangover, but most likely because her husband has no clue why should she would be a little upset that he's helping a woman so obviously in love with him. Sandy says he feels like they are strangers, an Kirsten never talks to strangers. But that's OK. Rebecca calls Sandy, who of course offers to drop everything he is doing and leaves right away to pick her up.

It's not just the Cohens who are fans of bagels in the OC, the Cooper-Nichols love them as well. Julie is making herself breakfast when Alex and Marissa come down, fresh from their sleep over. It must have been a great morning for Julie. Marissa has found a new friend, and that the new friend isn't black or Mexican, so why worry? Julie exchanges a little embarrassing conversation with Alex before she leaves, leaving mother and daughter to enjoy a little heart to heart.

Things have been strained between Marissa and Julie for a while. First it was the infamous scream, then there was the whole relationship with the gardener followed by Julie's affair with Jimmy and a little trip to Europe. But now Marissa wants to be completely honest, sort of a fresh start. She tells her mom that Alex is her girlfriend. She doesn't just like her, she likes her likes her. She's not a friend that is a girl, but a girlfriend. Welcome to experimentation, bitch!

The rain is still coming down, but that is not going to stop Ryan or Seth from setting things straight with their girls, even if it means braving the torrential downpour. Sandy and Kirsten have no problem letting Ryan or Seth borrow the Range Rover at anytime, except when it is raining outside, of course. And since nobody in Orange County is smart enough to own umbrellas or waterproof jackets, everybody gets wet.

Ryan is outside of Lindsay's window while she is playing her oboe. When you are rich in Newport, you calm your nerves by playing Playstation, if you're poor, you must live with learning classical music on woodwind. Lindsay, who looks much better with her hair down than pulled back, is starting to have second thoughts about her DNA test. What if she really wasn't Caleb's father? Ryan, pretended to care and said that he would even go with her to the DNA test, but you knew he was secretly saying "why didn't you just listen to me when i told you to be careful about Caleb three episodes ago?". To make matters worse, Lindsay and her mom are thinking about moving to Chicago because they are sick of Newport.

While you can kind of imagine why Ryan wouldn't have any waterproof clothing, being poor and from Chino, but why doesn't Seth have anything to protect him from the rain? Up until Ryan came into his life, didn't he spend every spare moment sailing? I know that sailing doesn't require you to actually submerge yourself in the water, but you do get wet. And even if he did manage to stay dry while sailing in Southern California, he did decide to move to the Pacific Northwest, you would think he would be smart enough to carry around some more rain protection than a Spiderman mask. Yes, I said a Spiderman mask. If it seems strange now, it gets only dumber later on.

Seth wants to talk to Summer. We have seen this scene a million times and honestly I want it to end. Seth sees Summer with somebody else. Seth becomes jealous/angry. Seth attempts to talk to Summer, but the words don't come out. Seth makes a joke, but it sounds like he is trying too hard to sound funny and aloof like season 1. Cut to Summer looking sad that Seth didn't actually say what was on his mind. It's the same thing over and over, and this time was no different. Seth was unable to convince Summer not to go to Tuscany. Oh how absolutely tragic.

With all of the trouble going on, it makes some strange bedfellows among members of the cast. Julie and Kirsten had never liked each other, but when it comes to complaining about how much their lives suck, housewives are always willing to call for a little détente and be on their gossipy way. Kirsten is at the office, avoiding her family (odd, since none of them are actually in her house), when Julie walks in, also trying to avoid her family. When Julie says they should add some cigars and scotch to the mix, you know that Kirsten isn't going to complain. Throughout all of the suckiness I have had to endure this season, I still get a laugh anytime Kirsten is going to get drunk.

Their whole conversation wasn't that great, except for the part when Julie said she had done some lesbian experimentation herself. "It was just a phase", she said, which means the writers have started thinking of ways to bail on the lesbian Marissa ship should the ratings grab relationship not work out the way they expected.

If there was another theme besides how sucky the rain is, it was 1992 Top 40. We had Blind Melon open the show, and now seth is listening to Boyz II Men, specifically "End of the Road". If this was 1995, perhaps I would believe that a high school student would be thinking about his lost love while listening to this group, but this is 2005, and kids have moved on. Haven't they? If somebody has been around long enough to have a greatest hits album, isn't that not indie enough for Seth? Ryan walks in, also finding the music choice strange, but he does inspire Seth to come up with one more grand romantic gesture. Remember "Summer Breeze", Seth's old boat? Seth is going to buy it back, and use that to win over Summer.

So Seth is listening to Boyz II Men, thinking about Summer. I wonder what Summer is doing? Why, wouldn't you know it, she is also listening to Boyz II Men, and she is thinking about Seth. If you haven't caught on, this is so we all understand that what they have is true love. It is more than a physical thing, it comes from a higher, more spiritual connection, and it starts with a shared appreciation of the Boomerang Soundtrack. Zach comes in, also wondering what the hell Summer is listening to, and wants to talk to her about how exciting the trip is going to be. I can understand why Summer has legitimate concerns about the trip, since she has known Zach for less than a year, doesn't know any of his family really, yet is still going to be thrust into the wedding party. But Zach is nice, and Seth hasn't said anything to her, so why not just go to Italy?

To buy his boat back, Seth needed money, and we know that's not that hard to come by. His parents are loaded, why not just get some money from them? Well, because Seth can get the money on his own, he just needs his old job back. He goes to ask Alex about working at the Bait Shop, and we now understand why you shouldn't have a teenager run your club. Not only does she give Seth the job that he has quit from twice already, she advanced him his pay so that he can buy back the "Summer Breeze". It's also very convenient that he happened to see Marissa when he was at Alex's apartment, meaning that he can spread the rumor all over town, meaning Marissa will get nervous and end the relationship within three weeks.

Seth gets his boat, but it is no longer called "Summer Breeze", it is now entitled "Gimme Sex". He can't really take it out on the water, but he believes that if he can just dump it in the pool and and invite Summer over, it will be just as good as if he had been in the ocean. He gives Summer a call, and says he wants just once more chance. In a rare departure from the predictability of the show, Summer tells Seth that he can't do it to her. He might have thought that what they used to have was good, but "it wasn't as good as what you had with Ryan". Slam! That's what we like to hear - a character with some conviction. And with that, Summer leaves for the airport, and Seth is relegated back to listening to Boyz II Men and watching episodes of "Sherman Oaks: The Real Valley". I just can't get enough of these writers. They satire their own show with The Valley, and now satire a reality show based upon their real show. The layers of complexity are just too difficult for my simple mind to comprehend.

Yes, the plot lines are starting to take care of themselves. Sure, it was kind of convoluted, and not entirely believable or entertaining, but at least things are ending, and that includes the sage of Sandy and Rebecca. When she called Sandy, he met her at a diner, and convinced her to come back. While driving back, the road is washed out, forcing them to get a motel room for the night. Ahh, the perfect setting to test one's marriage. Rebecca tries to make a move on Sandy, and Sandy smartly refuses, although he would have been better off just getting two rooms. As they are driving back the next day, they begin to argue, Sandy runs the car off the road, and a good Samaritan truck driver calls 911 so a tow truck, ambulance, and police are all going to be there soon.

Fearing that she might be caught, and that Sandy might be blamed, Rebecca decides that she is going to run away again. She and Sandy say their goodbyes (again), and she walks off down the road. I am not quite sure how she is planning to avoid the cops pulling her over as she walks down the road, but maybe she can hitchhike quickly. Sandy, who can stand a broken marriage, but not a broken BMW, finally lets her leave.

The results of the big DNA test are in, and Lindsay is indeed Caleb Nichol's daughter. They tried to make us feel that her mom was a skank, but we all knew that he was probably the father. It doesn't explain why we have yet another week without mentioning what Theresa is doing with the baby, but at least the whole adoption thing can move along. It would move along that is if Lindsay wanted it to move along. She was so gung-ho about getting adopted last week, but after seeing the true colors of Caleb, she is having second thoughts. Lindsay talked it over with her mom, and she has decided to move with her mom to Chicago. Caleb might bring her more money and a better life, but Lindsay can't lose the only family she ever had.

God damn! Another girlfriend lost, another lonely flight to the midwest? I love the heartland just as much as anybody else, but was there not one writer who could have come up with something better to get rid of a girl than moving to Chicago? Freak auto accident? Cancer? Something, anything other than this same old routine. If Alex and Marissa break up, and Alex moves to Green Bay, I'm going to have to hit somebody.

Why do I say that? Well, Marissa loves telling everybody all of a sudden. When her mom confronts her about her experimentation, and says she understands why Marissa did it (minus the Motley Crue and Jagermeister), Marissa decides to move out. Alex is also enjoying the new, happy to be out Marissa. She even has her doing chores around the apartment, and paying rent (which she wouldn't have a problem with if she hadn't advanced all that money to Seth). Although clearly apprehensive about the situation, Marissa goes along. But when we see her comforting Ryan after she walks Alex to the bait shop (the only people to use an umbrella the entire episode), we start to wonder just how long all of this is going to last.

Summer is at the airport, and there is a delay. We know that Summer doesn't really mesh well with Zach's family, but it was funny nonetheless. She is so uncultured and simple, shouldn't she really be with somebody who is less grown up than she is? Somebody who has parents that read People and Newsweek, and not The Economist and the New Yorker? Somebody like Seth Cohen?

While waiting out the rain delay, and looking for US Weekly, or Glamour, or Cosmo, she listens to Seth's voice. Zach is a sports star, comes from a good family, and cares about her deeply, but he doesn't do horse voices, and who could love a man who doesn't show you that kind of devotion. The last thing she needs now is to be reminded of Seth, but when she sees a young boy wearing Converse, reading comic books, and playing with a toy horse, it is just too much. She tells Zach, who is completely understanding, and runs off to find her love.

Hanging upside down from the roof (the rope broke his fall just enough that he would simply hang several feet off of the ground), Seth is helpless. Luckily, somebody is there to save him. It's Summer, and when she sees her super hero in that position, she runs up and kisses him. It was quite the hot moment, and was even better when I saw it the first time in "Spiderman".

Posted by at 1:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Well, I'm sitting here bored, watching the red carpet coverage on E!, and I've decided now would be a good time to live blog.

TVgasm red carpet commentary after the jump...

4:02 — Star Jones asks Laura Linney what her favorite Krispy Kreme donut is. When Laura can't come up with an answer, Star slaps her and yells "Always know your donuts, bitch!"

4:06 — Star Jones tells Leonardo DiCaprio she likes Pink's hot dogs with chili and cheese. Seriously. Let's just pray E! brought the portable defribrillator.

4:11 — Star Jones calls Hilary Swank a "professional glam-azon" and then says "you have really transformed yourself from a Million Dollar Baby to a Million Dollar Baby." It's official. Star Jones is an idiot.

4:17 —  Star Jones corners patrician producer Michael Mann about "The Aviator". After two minutes of light banter, she grabs his lapels and yells "WHERE ARE LAURA LINNEY'S KRISPY KREMES???"

4:21 — Scarlett Johanson braves the Star Jones gauntlet. She quietly skirts all questions regarding her recent platinum blonde bleaching accident.

4:25 — Drew Barrymore says "Aging is all about wisdom and grace." Star Jones strokes her chin and says "Grace... hmmm.... I'll have to look into that."

4:27 —  Star Jones corners Clive Owen and says "I am a BIG Clive Owens fan." Pun fans rejoice.

4:29 —  Spike Lee proves just how much he hates Hollywood and the system by showing up at the Oscars. I'm suddenly reminded of all my negative experiences with Spike and throw a pen at the TV. Sadly, Spike is unfazed.

4:30 — "I'm hot! I'm hot! I'm hot!" complains Star Jones. "I'm not hot because of me though!" Seriously Star, don't flatter yourself.

4:31 —  Spike Lee and Louis Gossett Jr. share an awkward moment as they realize they've worn the same outfit. Spike Lee accuses Louis Gossett Jr. of being white and punches him.

4:32 — Salma Hayek arrives to talk to Star. She announces that she's wearing "Pra-thda". Apparently she refuses to say anything unless it rhymes with Frida.

4:33 — "I love when a man falls over me!" gushes Star, noting that she's usually knocking them over instead.

4:35 — Alan Alda explains that Morgan Freeman will win the Oscar so he might as well just sit back and enjoy the evening. Hey, Alan, Woody Allen called. He says you can tone it down a bit.

4:38 — Star Jones tells Morgan Freeman "You have a pretty foxy daughter!" He then informs her that she's pointing to a double cheeseburger. "I don't care what she is. Your daughter is delicious!" gushes Star as she swallows the burger whole.

4:43 —  Cate Blanchett levels her WASPy stare of disapproval at Star Jones. Star Jones is momentarily frozen into a block of ice.

4:44 — Johnny Depp's wife says "Bonjour Mama! Bonjour Papa!" Is that the best French you can do? LAME.

4:45 — Star Jones desperately tests out her French skills by reciting "Bonjour!" and "Bon Soir!" Someone stop her before we have an international crisis.

4:47 —  Incestuous couple Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal arrive to remind us that they are, in fact, siblings and very very indie. They then make out.

4:48 —  I suddenly realize Jake Gyllenhaal has my haircut. Considering I have a Puma jacket of his, I now can fulfill my lifelong dream of walking down the street and saying "Hey, I'm Jake Gyllenhaal!"

4:49 —  Did Samuel L. Jackson just say "F-ck that movie!"? I'm on a Tivo-less TV right now. Blast!

4:50 —  The apocalypse has arrived: Oprah and Star are commiserating.

4:51 —  Quincy Jones gives Star the royal snub. Apparently he has famine songs to write.

4:53 —  Penelope Cruz reveals that she's been eating cheeseburgers all afternoon. Star Jones nearly faints from excitement. Literally.

4:57 —  Ray Charles returns from the dead to speak with Star Jones. Oh wait, it's Jamie Foxx! Wow, what a revelation he is!

4:58 —  Jamie Foxx's daughter PA's Usher big time. Star asks her if she's excited to stand next to Usher. She pauses then says "I know my friend would be." SLAM! Someone's been hanging out with Cate Blanchett!

E! is signing off, and so am I. TVgasm writer M_Ruv and I will have full Oscar coverage. Check back later this evening or tomorrow morning.

Posted by at 4:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Every now and then, we have a meeting in the TVgasm offices and ask ourselves what kind of features we should implement to make TVgasm better. We take suggestions from readers, do a little brainstorming ourselves, and try to come up with improvements to the site.

TVgasm reader Michael suggested that we add an RSS feed for each individual category instead of just the main TVgasm page. For those of you who use an RSS reader of some sort to read TVgasm, you can now select individual categories for your TVgasm feeds. RSS (click here for more info) is a good way to aggregate information from the web, and is particularly good if you read a lot of blogs. There are many free RSS readers out there if you are interested, and some even come with TVgasm preloaded.

For those people who want to take TVgasm with them wherever they go, we now have section where you can download wallpapers and ringtones for your cell phone. Simply connect your WAP-enabled cellphone to www.tvgasm.com/wap/index.php to see the content. The ringtones are midi (polyphonic) and mp3s,. If you bought a phone in the last two years, it most likely has WAP and midi support, and many phones in the last year or so come with mp3 support as well. Although we are not charging for you to download, you will still incur airtime and/or data charges from your provider. While we tried to get files that would work great as ringtones, some of them are simply theme songs.

A listing of the files we have for download is after the jump:

We will add new files when we get the chance, and if you have a request, please let me know. We can easily make wallpapers and mp3 ringtones are not that hard. We did not create any of the polyphonic ringtones, so we are not going to be able to trim or make changes to the ones we have, although if others make modifications, we can update the files. Also, we cannot answer questions on how to download any of these with your specific phone, if you have a question about your phone's features, try a google search.

Wallpapers

Polyphonic Ringtones

MP3 Ringtones

Posted by at 12:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

It's only been three weeks since we have last seen Phil and friends do their run around the world, but next week ushers in the seventh season of The Amazing Race. We meant to give you a little more time to make your choices, but the date caught up to us quicker than we had anticipated. As promised, we have yet another giveaway - the Amazing Race Challenge. If you missed out on your chance to win authentic TVgasm merchandise from any of our other challenges, you still have time to be part of the sensation sweeping the nation.

The Rules:

1. Go to the Amazing Race 7 homepage, and review the teams.

2. Choose the three teams you think will finish one, two, and three overall.

3. E-mail your answers to amazingrace@tvgasm.com.

The winner, to be announced at the end of the season (of course), will be the person who gets the three final teams, and the overall winner of The Amazing Race correct. In the event that more than one person gets the correct answers, the tiebreaker will be who picked the second and third place teams correctly as well. If more than one person has all three correct, the person who e-mailed their answers first will be awarded the winner. For their great victory, the lucky individual will receive one free item from the TVgasm store.

Only one entry per person/e-mail address will be accepted, and TVgasm will never give away your name or e-mail to anybody, not that your more "creative" attempts at coercion aren't encouraged. Entries will be accepted until 9PM Eastern on Tuesday, March 1st. Any questions or comments e-mail amazingrace@tvgasm.com.

Posted by at 5:41 PM | Permalink

Daaayuummm. That Donald Trump gets mad props, yo! Yes, the much ballyhooed hip hop installment of The Apprentice aired last night, and if you happened to tune into NBC during the 9 pm hour, you might have momentarily believed you were watching BET — that is, if BET stood for "Bad Entertainment Television." Well, I shouldn't say that it was bad entertainment because truthfully, I was quite entertained by these fools attempting to capture street culture. And honestly, at the end of the day, what else could speak more of hip hop than a short, white Tennessee district attorney wearing a bow tie? Move over 50 Cent. Bren's in da club.

The episode began with Alex complaining about Stephanie's sense of entitlement. Unfortunately, you can't change someone who's been that way for 27 years, he reasoned. So Stephanie had an air of entitlement at age two? What did she do? Tell the other toddlers they were destined to lives of menial labor? Nevertheless, she returned from the boardroom and addressed the team about her perceived negativity. "I appreciate the constructive criticism," she sniffled in between tears. Bren comforted her with a hug that seemed to say "There there, young harpy."

The next morning, Rhona called in from her new desk which was conveniently located in front of a framed headline of Trump that read "MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE!" Sadly, had the camera panned a few more inches to the right, we would have also seen a framed picture of Frankie Avalon with the headline "MASTER OF RHONA'S UNIVERSE." No word yet on whether He-Man has any intentions to win back either of those titles.

Anyway, Rhona instructed everyone to meet Donald Trump at the Playstation offices in mid-town. There, the group waited in the lobby while The Donald made awkward chit chat with the Sony reps. "How's Playstation?" Trump asked, oddly eschewing the normal use of "the". It sort of was the equivalent of going into Crate & Barrel and saying "What's new with Desk? How about Chair?" Anyway, Trump addressed the candidates by alerting them that they'd be designing a graffiti mural to hawk the latest PS2 game, Gran Turismo 4. The urban billboards would be assessed by a focus group and whichever team best markets the product in the eyes of the Playstation guys would win. So basically the team would be... painting? Not the most entrepreneurial task, but I guess its marketing angle counts for something. Right? Okay, let's face it. Mark Burnett just wanted to stick all these people in Harlem for a day and see what would happen.

In an amazing feat of physics and modern technology, Tara suddenly opened her mouth and began to talk. Turns out she was Project Manager for Net Worth. Who would have thunk it? "I understand Harlem," she told us, adding "By the way, I am black." Tara and the team gathered together, played some GT4, and then brainstormed some ideas. Audrey casually mentioned all the unique environments in the game — urban, dessert, forrest, etc. Equipped with all this information, Tara began her crusade to enlighten the Harlem community with a socially conscious graffiti mural. It had something to do with a car driving out of the mean streets of New York, as evidenced by angry buildings possibly shouting (with Maine accents) "You leave us alone, you hear? This city don't care much for flashy cars and short dresses! Now let's go eat some chowda."

"I think I'd lose a lot of street credibility if Magna wins this," Tara laughed haughtily. First sign of ebbing street cred? Calling street cred "street credibility".

Alex, meanwhile, became the Project Manager of Magna. He felt confident about his mission because, as he stated, "I play video games. I went to college." Interesting. And based on the motel refurbishing mission, Magna won that because they learned how to party in college. So let that be a lesson to you folks: go to college and you'll never be creative unless it comes to video games and partying. Works for me!

Anyway, Alex and the team met with various graffiti artists before settling down with Lady Pink, and no, she wasn't an errant porn star carrying a can of spray paint for whippets. Lady Pink was a bona fide street artist who just happened to have a very lesbian-friendly name. Sadly her friends Kitty Snatch and Madame Vagina were nowhere to be found.

After deciding on artists, both teams headed to their walls and got to work shilling for Sony. The producers opted to shun their usual jazzy soundtrack for a more urban selection of public domain tracks. Yes, tonight's Apprentice was full of record scratches and hip singers occasionally chirping "Uh!" and "Oh yeah!" Yes, nothing says the streets of Harlem like music worthy of a Tae-Bo video. I could have done without the pandering, pseudo-urban soundtrack, but then I figured it was probably just promotion for Will Smith's new single, "Switch". Rejoice, Bar-Mitzvah DJs.

Speaking of urban malaise, the college kids from Magna struggled to come up with a concept for their billboard. With nothing left to do, they got to work painting jungle vines on the bottom of the wall. Uh, guys. Just so you know — the urban jungle is not actually a jungle. Stephanie and Bren, who had spoken with Sony's people about the audience they were trying to reach, actually pointed this out, but Erin defended it, saying it was "urban". Sigh. I'm glad she didn't say something foolish like "Besides, black people come from the jungle, right?"

At least Alex was forthright about his fish-out-of-water status. "What the hell do I know about G-Wheels and 'C'mon, how you doin'?" he asked, ironically wearing a prototypical gangsta down jacket. Now, I didn't know that "C'mon, how you doin'" was as much of a Harlem thing as it was a general salutation. At least Alex didn't walk up to a Crip and ask "Can you explain 'Sup cuz?'" Because then he'd be dead. Yay gangs!

Off da chain!

It seemed fairly obvious that Magna would once again be heading to the boardroom considering their ability to communicate with the Harlem neighborhood seemed completely impaired. However, when Trump bellowed this week's message, "Shut up and listen!" I second guessed myself. After all, as Tara adamantly stuck to her Mean Streetz approach, it seemed like she was actually going against Trump's advice, and that's never good.

Nevertheless, Tara was attached to her idea. I guess one person's stubbornness is another's commitment. When a chipper Jill Kramer showed up, Tara immediately jumped at the opportunity to explain all the social and symbolic levels to her painting. Um, she did realize this was an ad, right?

As the sun set and the teams grew weary, squabbles burst out in the Net Worth camp. Audrey and Craig had a little run in over some amazingly dumb painting issue, and while the producers wanted us to dwell on the conflict, I personally was distracted by Craig who, like Tara, chose this episode to come out of his shell. Yes, Craig finally spoke, and oddly enough, he sounded like Bill Cosby. Especially since he kept calling Tara "Claire."

Magna meanwhile decided it was high time to get a plan. Alex found some local kids who suggested the group incorporate the image of cash falling from the sky. Wow, I guess you can really get in touch with the demographic if you shut up and listen. Hey, wait, that's what Donald Trump said too! Hmmm... I wonder who will win?

With the added perspective of the Harlem kids, Magna suddenly had a direction. "Mad props it is! Bling bling it is!" yelled Alex exhuberantly as he embraced his inner thug. And what better way to conceptualize mad props and bling bling than via a giant, cash-holding fist with the word "BLING" tattooed onto it. When Bren of all people suggested this, Alex responded, "That'd be tight!" Yeah boyyyyy! See Alex? An afternoon in Harlem and already you're catching on!

The next morning, Trump decided to tour the graffiti sites, and luckily for us, some studio session musician was kind enough to slap together his very own Donald Trump rap. The lyrics were mostly indiscernible, but occasional lines like "DT's in the hood!" and "Trump in da stretch, gonna see what's next" reassured me that this young MC would never live out his 8-Mile dreams. That is unless he plans to battle some homely lady from human resources.

Click here to listen to the rap song. The audio sounds a little muffled at first but then becomes sharper. The moment the sounds improves corresponds exactly to when Trump's limo door opens; so we're supposed to believe that he actually was listening to this in his car. Bravo, sound engineers!

Eventually the teams finished up their graffiti, and the executives from Sony came by to judge. Tara immediately took all credit for the mural, noting that it was her vision and her idea etc. Of course Chris was none too pleased with this as he yelled in an interview: "ALL SHE SAID WAS I, I, I, I , I!!!!" He then picked up the park bench near him and threw it across the road. Five people died.

Still, Net Worth was pretty confident about their piece, and when the focus group made up of local residents walked in, Tana couldn't contain her excitement. "Oh yeah!" she exclaimed quietly. What was she so exuberant about? Did Uma Thurma walk in?

After examining Net Worth, the execs shuffled a few blocks over to Magna where Alex explained how much the locals love mad props and bling bling. Okay Alex. I know those are the only two hip hop terms you know, but the more you say them, the less cool they become. Actually, they weren't very cool before you knew them either. Just... stop talking.

That evening, the teams gathered outside the boardroom and waited a whole hour (as evidenced by an old fashioned clock transition) for the Playstation guys to finish talking with The Donald. When they finally were allowed in, the candidates watched footage from the focus groups. Tana had a proud, I-Took-Tylenol-And-Now-My-Headache's-Gone look about her which quickly faded as it became evident that Net Worth was going to lose. I half expected her to shake her head and say "Oh shucks! Golly!" Instead she stood quietly with her team as Magna cheered at their victory.

As a reward for winning, Magna headed to the studio of some hoity photographer to get portraits done. Unfortunately, the photographer denied Kendra's request for a novelty photo of her on a magic carpet. While the models curiously circled around Bren and his bow tie, Trump showed up to partake in the activity. It was pretty cool, but seriously, when was the last time Trump DIDN'T show up for a photo op?

Trump visits a Roosevelt High School computer class

Trumps brings warmth to Mrs. Klein's third grade class

Anyway, the crew took some nice photos, but I had a hard time believing that the portraits would have cost Vogue $100,000 each. I also had a hard time figuring out why Stephanie was the only one who seemed to be getting a full makeover for her photo. Man, she really does have a sense of entitlement.

Back at the loft, Tara complained that because Audrey didn't tell her about all the different landscapes of the game, they lost. The only problem with that logic was that, well, Audrey DID tell her about the different landscapes. Nevertheless, Tara made Audrey her #1 target as they headed into the boardroom. She cited Audrey's enormous (READ: fleeting) flare up with Craig as a major liability to the team. But wait! Audrey had a response. "Craig seems to think it's okay to speak in a manner that's demeaningful," she insisted. Demeaninful? Is that like when someone is demeaning AND meaningful at the same time? And what exactly do you say to a demeaningful comment? "Man, you really hurt my feelings, but you had a very interesting point!"

George meanwhile was very snippy. He chastened Tara for coming up with a concept before even meeting with the Sony guys and was particularly ornery about their mural's tagline. "Where did you come up with the line 'Tear It Up'? WHERE??" he asked, adding "When I used to work at a soda jerk, if you said 'Tear it up', it meant the machines needed cleaning. You don't joke about that!"

Eventually, the scrutiny fell on Tara as the biggest cause for the loss seemed to come from her ineffective mural. "It was a Sony ad, not a community ad," Jill admonished. Eventually, Tara picked Audrey and Craig to come back with her to the boardroom. It was a fairly personal pick considering Craig hadn't done anything wrong except naysay Tara, and when Trump asked him if he had any beef with Audrey, he gave an unusual response. "I had a talk with Audrey. She's newly married... She stated that her husband is sitting around waiting for her to come back, and he's not doing anything." Okay, well, that really made no sense and had nothing to do with anything. Well done Craig.

Of course The Donald was immediately enthralled with this domestic saga. "Do you have a non-ambitious husband?" he asked Audrey. We can now add this to the tally of strange personal questions from The Donald, joining the ranks of "Are you not a homosexual?" and "Are you the sexiest man in the suite?"

While these oddball interactions between Audrey and Craig were fun, in the end, the failure in this task fell squarely on Tara's shoulders. Trump reluctantly fired her, thus solidifying her status as "considerably less street cred than before." Tara seemed smart and savvy, but she was just as culpable as she was capable. You like that? Capable and culpable? Yeah, you're welcome. RIP stupid Sex & The City punnage.

What did you think? Who had the better mural? Did Tara deserve to get fired?

Posted by at 7:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

I think it's safe to say that we can officially write off this season of The OC as being a textbook case of the sophomore slump. That's why I'm not even concerning myself with the ongoing whining of Seth, the awkward kissing of Marissa and Alex, and the annoying self-righteousness of Ryan. Instead, we here at TVgasm are looking to the future; Season 3 if you will.

A little trip to the IMDB.com reveals that none other than Demi Moore will be guest starring on season three's big premiere. She is credited as playing Joan Roberts, who we'll assume is either Summer's never-seen stepmother, or better yet, her never-seen birth mother. My money's on the latter (birth mother). I'm sure the writers will gladly make a "step-monster" joke — if only because Summer's favorite term was first coined by, you guessed it, Demi Moore in "St. Elmo's Fire." The possibilities for self-referential humor are endless.

Interestingly enough, Michael Nouri, the actor who plays Summer's father, will be present for a dual role (twins? The OC? This is gonna be interesting/anticlimactic), and we can only imagine what the casting of real life brothers Channing Tatum and Christopher Anderson will mean for the increasingly incestuous Cohen/Nichols brood. The brothers play, well, brothers (their names: Aaron and Hayden. Looks like we got a little Amazing Race fandom on the writing crew), and judging by their last name ("Leafstedt-Roberts"), it looks like Summer may have a whole step-family she never knew about.

Is it a little sad when the barebones character listing on the IMDB is more fascinating than the current storylines?

Just in case the IMDB suddenly changes its entries, here is a screenshot of the webpage:

Posted by at 2:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

I am sorry that I was so delinquent with my Smallville post from last week. Just after I had said that the episodes were off-topic, but enjoyable, we get an episode about killer dogs that had been experimented by Luthorcorp for a government weapons program. Oh, I checked out after that. Yes, I still watched the episode, but I could not stand to revisit the episode, even if it was to help out all of the loyal TVgasm readers who watch the show. And I still like the show, and hope it sticks around for a little while longer. Hey, even the New York Times thought the show was good enough to warrant some press (registration required). As far as the action on the small screen goes, we are finally starting to get some answers to all of those questions they had us wondering about towards the early part of the season - and they have us asking a few more after tonight's episode.

With his hopes of a college scholarship dashed, Clark has to go back to doing what the rest of us poor souls do when the recruiters and the boosters aren't knocking on our door, namely fill out applications, write essays, and go to alumni interviews. Clark is busy with his applications when he gets a package from Dr. Swann. At that same moment, Jonathan turns on the TV, where they are announcing Dr. Swann's death. Clark is stunned, as they had spoken just days earlier, and there was still so much that he had to learn. Opening the package, Clark found that Dr. Swann returned another octagonal piece of the spaceship he crashed to earth in, with further instructions about his father Jor-El, and Clark's legacy.

Whenever you talk about Clark's legacy, you have to think about the caves. I wonder how long it is going to take for Clark to learn these caves don't have a lot of privacy and move his setup to the arctic. Clark places the piece of the ship inside a piece of the rock, and his dad appears to him as a disembodied voice. Usually when Jor-el has appeared, it has not been good news. He is either making Clark go crazy or trying to kill Jonathan somehow. This time, there is nothing to worry about. Jor-el gives us a little explanation of the stones. They are the stones of knowledge, and when he collects them all, he will be able to harness all of the power of his ancestors. Oh, and he needs to get them before any humans do, because they will use them to destroy the earth. No problem, it's just the fate of an entire civilization on his hands. Clark is probably more worried about finding a senior prom date (although I am guessing he will just take the copout and go with Lois).

So, Clark needs to find out more about the stones. Hmm, why not start with the girl who has a Krypton symbol magically tattooed on her back? When he gets to Lana's apartment, she is visibly upset. She had spoken to Jason earlier and he said he was in Metropolis, but she was later called to the Luthor mansion by Lionel and told that he was actually in Shanghai. Lionel then went on to tell Lana a little bit more about Countess Isabelle Thoreau and her arch rival the Dutchess Gertrude. The Dutchess was obsessed with the three stones as well, and she used her wealth to search for them all over the globe. One of her ships came back from China with a map, which the Countess stole and had hidden. For her crime, the Countess was burned at the stake, but before she died, she promised to exact revenge on Gertrude. Jason and his mother are direct descendants of Gertrude, and Lana is a direct descendant of Isabelle. If ever there was an example for the term "star-crossed lovers", Lana and Jason would be it.

Although Lionel isn't directly searching for the stones anymore, he knows that his son is, and he knows that he can passive-aggressively get other people to do some of his work as well. For instance, tell Lana her boyfriend is in Shanghai, give her the same map that he has, then offer to fly her to Shanghai. Lana is packing for her little expedition when Clark comes along. He knows that it has something to do with one of the stones, so he offers to come along with her. And to be honest, even though they are not a couple, he isn't going to let her face all of those horrible communists without any help. And although I have serious doubts that the Luthorcorp jet has the range to make it to China from Kansas (maybe with a stop at LAX), it is not a bad way to travel. But come on Lex, any billionaire worth his salt has a BBJ to fly him around.

Jason was not the only person who was in China from Smallville. As it turns out, Lex had followed him (very conveniently leaving the Luthorcorp jet at home so his dad could let Lana and Clark use it later). Lex knew that he couldn't completely trust Jason, so he followed him to China, perhaps thinking that his father or Jason's mother might have told him something to help him find the stone they are looking for. All they need to do is lay low, and make their way up to the temple on the map. Unfortunately for them, two tall white guys tend to attract a lot of attention, including that of the People's Army, who chase them through the streets for a little while before capturing them, driving off (apparently China buys surplus American Hummers for the use of their army), and taking them to a cell.

There is nothing scarier than the phrase "unofficial Chinese prison". After a little while, Lex is dragged off, and when he comes back he has been worked over pretty well. He tells Jason to give up any information he knows, and that it is not worth dying for. It turns out that Lex had paid a Chinese general to give the two a little scare in order to make Jason talk. But as they are dragging Jason away for his little interview, Lex finds out the the Chinese general betrayed him for somebody who had paid him even more money. The strange part was not that the general betrayed Lex, but that Lex acted like this was a somehow strange event. It's not like Lex's money is the only one that is good for corrupting government officials.

While Lex and Jason are incapacitated, Clark and Lana are searching around Shanghai themselves. Lionel doesn't really give them any more instructions besides, follow this street until you see a green rooster. It took me months to understand why there are two Santa Monica Boulevards in Los Angeles, so I can only imagine how hard it must have been to find a green rooster on some random street in Shanghai with not even a little GPS to help them out. They were told a meet a professor at this green rooster, but how in the hell are they going to know what she looks like? Well, they found the green rooster and the professor found them.

The professor, who is not an old, grizzled man with a fu-man-chu and a penchant for ginseng and ginger. Our professor is a hot young woman, who is not any less knowledgeable, but sure does love leather jackets. She retells the ancient story of the temple, how there was an ancient legend about gods from another planet bestowing leaving an ancient artifact at the temple. Then there was some talk about how some Europeans came, but they were never able to find the artifact. (This is where you are supposed to figure out that those Europeans were working for the Dutchess). While in the temple, Clark notices that there is a false wall. He makes up some excuse for Lana and the professor to go on while he investigates a little more. He pushes the wall, which reveals a silk robe, woven with a pattern that looks like the same map that took Lex so long to find, but is now passed around more often that those star maps on Sunset Boulevard. There is also a chinese mask above the robe, and when Clark gets closer he finds that the mask is inlaid with Kryptonite eyes and is quickly weakened to the point he can't move.

Looks like Clark will have to wait around for Lana and the professor to find him. They will get around eventually, they will wonder what took him so long. Before those thoughts enter their head, some soldiers come in and see the two of them. They shoot the professor on sight, and are about to kill Lana when they notice the tattoo on her back, recognize it, and decide they need to see if she knows anything about it. They take Lana back to the prison (do they have a secret prison for every ancient temple? it seems like you can't find one without the other in any movies these days), where we see that Jason and Lex are getting a little electrocution treatment with a car battery and a wet sponge. Not to worry though, because they are soon to get a break.

The general removes the battery because there is going to be a new inmate in town, one Lana Lang. The guys see that Lana is brought in, and both of them are likely blaming themselves for the fact that she is there, Lex because he paid the general, and Jason because he knows Lana was probably looking for him. Lana is tied down to a chair which is terrible, but better than hanging from the ceiling like her two friends. She also has another ace up her sleeve - a 17th century witch that had possessed her body. Although the Isabelle had been stopped before, there is still a part of her inside Lana, and she is determined not to let anything happen to the hot body she possesses. Once Lana has the electro sponge applied, the Countess reappears in her body, complete with all of the witch powers she needs to magically blast away Red Army soldiers with a hardly a thought.

During the time Lana was going through her mental break, the soldiers at the temple found Clark. Finding it too convenient to shoot him right away, they make sure they take the time to move him just out of range of the kryptonite before they start to work him over a little bit. This gives Clark all of his strength back, which he uses to beat up the guards and rush to save Lana before anything happens to her. He makes it to the prison just in time to see Lana has been possessed, and she sees him just in time to knock him out with one of her nifty energy rays. She then walks on, map in hand, to find this elusive stone.

Clark soon awoke, and helped Lex and Jason down. All three went to the temple and inspected the robe, Clark at a safe distance of course. What they had all believed on the map was a river was actually a different sort of map. The river was actually the branches of a tree, and looking through the same tree would give you the true location of stone. Lana knew this, and she performs a spell at this spot and pulled a statue of a horse from the ground that bore more than a small resemblance to Seths Cohen's Captain Oats.

Once home, Lex immediately goes after his dad. He thinks that he set him up, and blames him for what happened. We have been getting more and more hints that Lionel is really his old self, but the time in prison seems to have made him patient. He is now fine with letting other people get worked up about it. Although he tells Lex not to go crazy with the search for the stones, you know he is secretly counting on Lex to try even harder to find all of them.

We aren't quite sure how long everybody was gone, but you can be assured that his parents weren't happy to learn that he had been missing in China, especially with all of those college apps to finish. He went to get the stone, but in the aftermath of his struggle with Isabelle, he wasn't able to find it. To make it worse, he received a posthumous e-mail from Dr. Swann stating that he was going to return the one piece of the stone he had to Clark, but Clark never received it, of course. What's worse, whoever Bridgett Crosby was, nobody knew about her, certainly not the people at the Swann institute. (If this seemed like a strange twist, the NY Times article was mentioning that Margot Kidder was not going to be on the show again with a "contract issue" to blame. I guess this was their way of writing her out of the season).

Not everybody came out of China empty handed. The stone was not lost in the battle of Clark and Lana, Jason had picked it up. He tells this to Lana, and all of a sudden, everything is right in there world. He lied, she was pissed, but this stone was the perfect make up gift, at least for their current relationship. There is that whole thing about the Countess determined to exact revenge on any of the Dutchess's heirs that they are going to have to work through.

Overall, an up and down episode. I like that we got more information, but the whole China sideshow was a little forced. Everybody was tortured, and although it takes some people years to overcome the scars of abuse, the folks of Smallville are fine just a day later. Still, after the killer krypton dogs, I can live with a few more episodes like this.

Posted by at 12:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

When we here at TVgasm talk about lame Real World episodes, we can pretty much use tonight's installment as our frame of reference. Not only did very little happen, but the few morsels of conflict that did trickle out were so ridiculous, I actually feared these roommates might be in need of some sort of intervention.

Tonight's episode was all about MJ. What makes him tick? What does he love? Why won't he cut his hair? We didn't really get any answers, but we did learn that Landon has a burgeoning Single White Female obsession with MJ, and we can only hope that things get real violent real soon.

Tonight's episode began with MJ, Landon and Shavonda dining in what appeared to be the back corner of some restaurant's kitchen. MJ announced that he wants to slow down; although, we're still not certain what exactly was going too fast for him in the first place. Was it life? Partying? Or maybe just the average speed of human conversation? My money is on the latter. Landon, meanwhile, nodded his head appreciatively. You see, Landon knows all about slowing down. When his drinking got out of hand earlier this season, he slowed down to five beers a night. And now he's back up to twelve. It just goes to show you: Landon's an alcoholic.

Anyway, all this babbling about slowing down somehow transitioned into MJ praising his girlfriend, Ashley. Turns out the Southern Belle was coming to town that weekend, and MJ was so darn excited that his curly moptop expanded three full sizes. This visit would be the big test of their relationship, he informed us gravely, adding "I plan to raise our children in my hair." Now here's the real question. Each time one of these home town honeys visits a Real World cast member, it's always considered a huge test. Exactly what sort of unstable relationships are these people engaging in that the simple act of paying a visit constitutes a reexamination of their entire history? And why are their significant others so fragile that they invariably wilt and die after a brush with the cameras? If visiting someone threatens to undermine the security of a romance, something tells me the security pretty much isn't there anyway. But I guess that's what you get when one side of the relationship is looking to trade up for fame and fortune via a plum starring role on MTV's flagship reality franchise.

Sadly, these Philadelphia kids didn't have my expert advice, and so MJ called his lady on the phone and proceeded to engage in dull pillow talk. Their romantic cooing was fairly forgettable, but in short, MJ apparently wanted to kiss Ashley multiple times and then, if time allowed, touch her boob. Around the corner, Landon listened in and as a single tear rolled down his cheek, he whispered to himself, "That's what I want to do to you, MJ. That's what I want to do to you..."

Interjected into the middle of this saccharine moment was the random information that MJ's best friend in the whole wide world would be paying a visit that weekend also. According to MJ, his friend David is JUST like him... except he's 7'1", black, and in the NBA, but those are just minor technicalities. In other news, MJ has just informed me that I'm Tracy McGrady's long lost twin.

The weekend finally arrived, but not all was well in Ashley world. She called to announce that there was a five hour delay in the Nashville airport. Even worse, there'd be a two hour delay at the Washington layover. Extremely ominous music played as Ashley complained "I have to be in an airport for seven hours!" MJ responded by loudly moaning/exclaiming "OH MY GOD BABY!!!" I don't get it. It's an airport delay. These things happen. It's not like she's been delayed seven hours because her leg fell off.

Well, the inevitable happened. Ashley called again to say the airline had lost her luggage. I practically expected MJ to rip his shirt open and cry out "WHY GOD??? WHY?????" Did they actually expect with all these delays and layovers that the luggage would miraculously revise its schedule as well? Anyway, MJ said he'd try to think of something, anything to save Ashley from this horrifying demise. Um, how about she changes her flight? It's not like there are no airports near Philly. I mean, she could have rerouted to Newark, Allentown, Scranton/Wilkes-Barre, JFK, LaGuardia, probably someplace near Atlantic City, maybe even Delaware. But I forgot. Ashley's ticket was in idiot class.

MJ eventually came up with the idea that she could take AmTrak from DC to Philly, but his high maintenance woman shot down the idea because it would mean having to take a cab to the train station and then taking a train to Philly and then... uh... arriving probably earlier than her delayed flight. Basically, she was just cranky. Hey, it's understandable. Those delays were significantly cutting into her time on reality TV.

Anyway, Ashley finally arrived, and not long after, so did David. Man, that dude was tall. He had to duck to get into the house. As David ambled about the mansion, I expected Karamo to pop up and dismiss this NBA player for befriending a white guy. Unfortunately, he shirked his Angry Black Male duties in favor of his Absent Black Male obligations. Karamo's only cameo appearance came randomly as David drunkenly sat by his bed and complained about MJ and Ashley. Karamo simply laughed, later suggesting, "Maybe you should just slit their throats? Just kidding. But seriously, I've got a knife right here. And get Landon while you're at it."

While David hit up the booze, MJ and Ashley bickered. She wanted to go to sleep, he wanted to go out. Okay MJ. Rule #1: Don't invite your high maintenance girlfriend the same weekend your much cooler NBA friend is in town. Rule #2: Do not talk about Fight Club.

Ultimately, they all wound up going out, but Ashley made sure to infuse the night with oodles of scrumptious PA. This of course was like manna from heaven for Mel who reveled in the fresh, Southern style passive aggression. The two became insta-pals as Mel happily fanned Ashley's flames. By the end of the night, there was so much awkwardness that when David had to head back to his hotel, MJ practically piggybacked on top of him. The two walked the streets of Philadelphia, opening their hearts to each other and venting their problems. "We both have a self-awareness. We both can talk," said MJ. Well, it's not so much that they can talk as it is that they're the only ones who can understand each other through the giant mounds of chewing tobacco in their mouths.

The episode veered into interesting territory as the two discussed MJ's hopes and dreams. For those who had forgotten, MJ's dream was to play for the NFL, but he went undrafted last year, and seeing that he took this year off to be on a reality show instead of going out for NFL Europe or even Arena Football, chances are his on field career is over. "All I wanted you to do was make it," David said, with the implication being "BUT YOU FAILED!" The truth is that David had nothing but remarkably nice things to say about MJ, and I must confess that I actually enjoyed this brief moment between the two. For once we weren't dealing with petty, clichéd relationship issues but the scary precipice of life after college. But who needs thoughtful, character-building themes? This is The Real World, man! Let's whine!

Stepping up to the plate was Landon who was feeling a little bit blue. Landon's the sort of guy who when he gets sad, looks like a kid in a children's book: sagging shoulders, curled lower lip, droopy eyes. The only thing missing is him sucking his thumb, and to be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if that didn't happen by the end of the season. Anyway, Landon was bummed because "Home MJ" was different than "MJ Here". Basically, Landon felt closed out of MJ's life. They'd only known each other for a whopping four months, and yet it seemed like he expected they'd be sharing summers in Nantucket, winters in Aspen, and weekends in each other's arms.

Unfortunately for Landon, his needy desire to be part of MJ's inner-most life played second fiddle to some spider monkeys and a leopard as MJ and Ashley visited the local zoo. I don't know why it seemed oddly appropriate that these two spent part of their together time staring at animals, but it worked. I especially enjoyed when the monkeys threw feces at MJ. Oh wait, that didn't happen? Blast. I hate when my fantasies invade reality.

Well, eventually Ashley left, and later on she called MJ to give him some fresh, down home attitude. She announced that she had things to tell him, but she didn't want to be recorded by MTV. When MJ insisted that she could tell him, Ashley balked at the idea and later bristled when he told her she was being selfish for dangling something in front of him but refusing to elaborate. I wouldn't disagree with MJ's critique. It's the exact same mentality as going up to someone and saying "I know a secret, but I can't tell you!" Don't even say it in the first place, bitch.

With things going sour in MJville, we cut to some random footage of a koi fish. Okay, I guess that's symbolic to someone. Life in a fishbowl perhaps? Then, in an inspired artistic move, the koi Fish shot cut away to a matching image of a fish in the Real World tank. Oooh! It's like... we're in a tank no matter where we go! The camera then zoomed out to reveal Landon contemplatively studying the fish. As he traced the creature's path with his finger on the glass, I couldn't help imagining his voice saying "Sometimes I feel like a fish: Swimming from place to place but not getting anywhere. It's like life, this fish tank. I wish MJ loved me the way I love him."

In a convenient parallel to his sinking relationship with Ashley, MJ headed to an exhibit about the Titanic, and in between ooh-ing and ahh-ing the ship replicas, he vented to a surprisingly quiet Shavonda about his girl situation. She really had little to offer in way of advice (she was most likely planning out her next big drama), and when MJ returned home, he and Ashley had it out, ultimately breaking up.

With the old lady out of the way, Landon suddenly saw his opportunity to strike. Waiting until the two of them were in nothing but a skimpy pair of boxers, Landon put on his Needy Helmet and told MJ "I feel like you give me half of who you are." Oh my goodness. Was this the moment we'd been anticipating all season? Would he profess his undying love for MJ and suggest a civil union in Vermont? Not quite. MJ understandably reacted defensively against Landon's attack and asked him exactly just what he meant. Apparently David had said something to make Landon feel sad and dejected. "'You don't know the MJ that I know.' And THAT's what's stuck in my head!" said Landon, passionately quoting David in the process. So he's upset that MJ's best friend in the world knows him better than Landon does? Well, I kind of understand. It was unreasonable of MJ not to have let Landon be his childhood friend too. Sadly, Landon did not break out into a cover of the Yeah Yeah Yeah's song, Maps. "Wait! They don't love you like I love you!"

Take me to bed or lose me forever, MJ.

The two guys talked through their feelings a little bit, and eventually Landon announced that "Everything is solved between MJ and I." Huh? How exactly did that happen? One late night conversation in skivvies and everything's just grand? I guess I really can't question the logic of these people too intensely. I should just be happy that Shavonda was relegated to the sidelines for the second week in a row. Can't ask for more than that.

What did you think about this episode?

Posted by at 2:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (22)

For me, 24 is not just a TV show, it is almost a ritual. I don't just casually wait until the show airs on Mondays, I have to prepare. From the opening credits you have to prepare yourself. It starts with the warning about graphic violence, then proceeds to the opening credits with the names of featured players popping up on screen. It is a subtle way to tell us who some of the main players are going to be throughout the episode. It can be a new name, like we had with "Audrey Raines" this week, or it could be a standard "The Arnaz Family" that we get seemingly every episode. Some have said that 24 became a farce, especially in seasons 2 and 3, but it is now safe to say that it is once again great television.

If there was one thing that always happened on 24, it was the mid-season slump. It seemed as if the writers believed the audience was too bored, so they start to stray a little bit during hours 11 and 12. I am happy to say that it seems this is not the case this year, as the writers have actually consolidated story lines and with good results.

Nobody could forget how the show ended last week. Navi Arnaz had just taken his son hostage, hit Jack with his car, and then escaped down a staircase. A lot of people say that Behrooz is a pussy and almost deserves to be shot, but give the kid a break. He had no clue what he was getting into. His parents are on this secret mission, but he really doesn't care. He's in the US and dating a nice blonde honey from California. As long as his parents' master plan doesn't interfere with that, he won't mind throwing around a hearty "Death to the Infidels!" every now and then for show.

Then it turns out that his parents are a little more serious. They are involved in train bombings and the kidnappings of cabinet members. Still, that doesn't seem like it will get in his way, so why should he care? Because his parents want him to kill his girlfriend, and then his mother shoots her when he won't. His dad is so disappointed that he orders him killed. Behrooz is resourceful enough to kill his assassin, but when he asks his mother for help, his dad shoots his mother. To top it off, you learn that your parents, despite all of this other stuff, are taking great joy in an impending nuclear holocaust.

It's a lot to take in for any human being, correct? Soon, you just can't take anymore, including Behrooz. As his dad is dragging him down the corridors, he finally shouts "Dad, you're choking me." What an odd time to choose to speak. You would have thought it would have been something like "Dad, you're holding a gun to my head." or "Dad, you sent an assassin after me." I hear that "Dad, Mom shot my girlfriend" is also a contender.

Poor Navi, if he can't get his own son to help him kill a few million innocent people, who can he trust? He calls in his boss and lets him know the news. The friendly terrorists have even given him a special cell phone scrambler that works by plugging it into the charger. This little green device might have also been a signal booster since I know of no cell phone that penetrates thirty feet of basement. Anyway, he is going to stall CTU as long as he can, then kill go down in blazes once the reactors are down. All that is left is to wait it out and score some virgins for his trouble.

Why haven't the terrorists been able to meltdown more reactors? CTU is on the job, and especially Edgar. The last hour was really rough on him, and he seems to be taking the loss of his mother pretty hard. Driscoll, who has proven herself quite the smart and practical bureaucrat while on the show, lets Edgar know he is needed, and even apologizes for being a little too rough with him while he was mourning.

There will be no such kid gloves with Marianne. Continuing with this year's theme of capture, torture and ask questions later, Curtis is told to get information out of his ex-lover any way possible. If that means getting a little messy, then so be it. You can be sure that the ineffective sensory deprivation has been shelved, so what is Curtis to do now? Some jumper cables and a car battery? Perhaps some less invasive methods like force feeding a person saltines and denying them any water? Maybe he'll just be cruel and make her listen to Maroon 5 on repeat ALL DAY.

Despite all of our wishes, Curtis' preferred mehtod was decidedly more rational. He told Marianne that if he helped her, she would live. If she refused, she would die, and not necessarily at the hands of the government. To prove this, he wheeled in Powell's dead body. Marianne didn't know any information, but she would be able to access information from his personal computer at his office. Marianne would have to be present at the office because the computer required a fingerprint to decrypt the information, and the only prints that would work are hers and Powell's. It beats me why bringing the computer would have been so much of a hassle, but maybe they wanted to save time. In that case, why didn't they just cut off one of Powell's hands and do it all without Marianne. As Chase proved last year, CTU is not afraid to chop off a limb in the interest of national security. Marianne, Curtis, and two other anonymous CTU members left to get this information. Since this is the first time we have seen these two characters, there is nothing that could possible happen to them while they are gone.

At the hospital, Jack and his team know that they are going to have to go in and get Behrooz if they have any hope of getting information from Dina. As a bonus, if they can pull of the operation and capture Navi alive, they have another person they can interrogate. Navi is a smart guy, but apparently he had no idea that the laundry room where he decided to seek refuge may have other ways of access besides the door. Therefore, he conveniently has no idea that there is a laundry chute that people can use to enter one side of the room (which happens to be hidden by another wall). Jack must have realized that this would be the case, because he used that laundry chute to enter the room Mission Impossible style. Thank God Kiefer Sutherland is so short, because it was a tight fit.

Jack made it inside the room without tipping off Navi (thanks to the nifty little dentist mirror SWAT teams use) but as the harness he was using to descend was pulled back, it hit the side of the chute with a nice little clang. Navi comes to investigate, and Jack hits him straight in the face with a force that would have knocked most people out. But this is 24 so, things can't be that easy. Jack and Navi do a little fighting, and eventually Navi is subdued, his hands up. Good job Jack, you saved the boy, and got your witness. Now just call in the....BANG! Oh shit, Behrooz just shot his dad. Obviously the kid didn't refuse to kill his girlfriend because he didn't have the skill. He is is a surprisingly effective killer. I wonder what his dad was thinking when he died. I bet it went like "Wow, he may be helping the Great Satan, but at least he is still a good shot."

With her son now safe and her husband pretty incapable of stopping her, Dina is now free to tell CTU everything she knows. She made quite the gamble, because it turns out that she really doesn't know that much, just an address where they got instructions. Tony Almeida, who has effectively become a CTU agent, is officially reinstated by Jack. He is kind of hesitant at first, and I know how tough it is to go back to an employer after you parted ways. But once you saw how much Tony loved getting out of the house, you know that he really wouldn't mind going back. It was sure to be a little awkward after his whole "treason" fiasco, but you know how those interoffice politics go. So Agent Almeida and Agent Bauer head to the address Dina gave them, and it is some empty house in the Valley.

That's right. Zero. The place was completely cleared out. In fact, I was surprised that it wasn't trip wired to explode when somebody opened the door. You don't want to have to leave any sort of evidence around, right? Besides not destroying the place when they were done with it, the terrorists seemed to be really sloppy. He notices a power cord plugged into the wall that leads down to some floor boards, which leads down to a hidden basement, which reveals pretty much the entire planning of the terrorists. Jack must have been lucky and shot whoever was on cleanup duty for the house while he was doing his Splinter Cell impersonation saving Audrey and Secretary Heller earlier in the day.

CTU is quickly working to get background info on the building to see if they can follow a paper trail and get more information. Sarah is now back at her desk. Driscoll was forced to ask her to come back to action since they were a little short handed with all of their field agents getting picked off and Curtis busy escorting Marianne to Powell's computer. After checking out some of the shell companies that have had a piece in the purchase of the house, they come across an interesting name - Galaxy Financial. It means nothing other than its CFO is none other than Paul Raines, Audrey's ex-husband. Oh man, this guy has got some explaining to do.

When Jack hears Paul's name, he calls Audrey right away to get some more information. Actually, he has CTU patch him through to her number, because it must have been erased from his speed dial in all of the craziness that was going on during the day. Audrey has never heard of Galaxy Financial, and she doesn't believe that Paul would have anything to do with a Terrorist organization. Even so, she decides that she is going to help Jack and try and figure out where Paul is so he can question him.

Now I had always believed that it was just a little too convenient that Paul just happened to be in Los Angeles when all of the shit was going down. It is really no surprise to me that his name came up, and when you think about the time he spent at CTU, some interesting scenarios start to form. When Audrey gets into contact with him, he is about to check out. In order to get him to stay, she tells him she wants to talk about their marriage. He agrees, but when Audrey tell Jack about her plan, he is very upset. Nevertheless, she decides to drive to the hotel anyway.

Jack had sent Tony back with Dina and Behrooz. If there isn't an A-list actor accompanying you, you are sure to get killed, so we were all happy to see them make it back to CTU safely. Driscoll sends Behrooz and his mother to get some medical attention, and then hands Tony his badge and gun. It's not going to be weird having him around at all she says, but just to make sure, she tells Sarah to spy on him. I hope she learned from her shitty job keeping tabs on Chloe and does a better job this time doing her surveillance without getting caught.

Curtis and his team have arrived to Powell's office. I know there is lots of shit going down in the world, but you think that somebody would have been there doing something. There is absolutely nobody around. It makes you think like it is a perfect setup for an ambush. Marianne gets to Powell's computer, uses her fingerprint to gain access, but the file also has a password protection. Just as she is about to enter the password, some armed men take out the "security team" and tell them to stop what they are doing. Marianne begs for her life, but the men don't care. In fact, one of them probably senses that she talks a lot and so he shoots her in the chest and she dies. Damn! I thought she was a great villian and added a lot to the show. She is also very hot. She is going to be missed.

Audrey has made it to the hotel, and is trying to stall Paul until Jack and the backup team get there. It is obvious that she is a horrible liar. As the minutes go by, she is getting more and more antsy. Paul has been patient, but he thinks he actually has a shot of saving his marriage. When it's obvious that is not the reason she was there, he loses his temper, and she throws some accusations his way. Audrey tries to leave, but he stops her. Before he can lay a hand on her, Jack rushes in to save the day. He has a gun to Paul's head, and he REALLY wants some answers this time. There is only another hour or so before another reactor goes down, and if he knows anything about the override, intentionally or not, Jack is going to find out.

Posted by at 8:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

I must extend a massive apology. The tenth season premiere of Survivor aired last Thursday, and here I am a whole five days later with the recap. Why did it take me so long? Well, there was a little backlog of activity this past week, and besides, I've been holed up in the gym for nearly 96 hours in the wake of viewing this abs-tastic new cast. Seriously, everyone is in shape, even the old people (well, maybe not Wanda, Angie, and Coby but hey, there are always exceptions to the rule). You know what they say: if people have stunning, near flawless bodies on TV, well, shame on me for not being exactly like them! Hmmm... I wonder how many calories I burned typing that last sentence. Maybe I can have a banana chip now.

As usual, this tenth iteration of the reality franchise began somewhat ostentatiously with Jeff Probst zooming around on a motorboat. Thankfully, the military extravaganza that followed All Stars last year was absent. Apparently the island nations realized these contestants were not, in fact, nuclear bombs.

Jeff gave us a nice little tour of the area, but you know he really got his rocks off when he boasted about the perils of the local seas. We saw sharks, jellyfish, sting rays, and a massive underwater vagina. Oh wait, that was just a giant clam. Above water, we encountered our latest batch of survivors rowing across the sea quietly, perhaps bewildered by the lack of gym equipment floating amongst the waves.

Probst motored up next to the contestant and pointed out their beach which was about a mile away. Once there, they would find two immunities —  one for a guy, one for a girl (finders keepers). It was up to the survivors to decide how they'd get there: paddle or swim. With that, Jeff revved his engine to life and sailed away. Moments later, a flock of doves and peacocks descended from the heavens and carried the Probst vessel back to Television City in Hollywood.

After some brief confusion on Coby's part, the group decided to row closer to shore, and as their boat neared dry land, kooky English teacher Wanda rose to her feet and began singing some crazy "We are Survivors!" song to the tune of "Heart and Soul". Personally, I was shocked she didn't then segue into a rousing rendition of "Follow the Fold!" Wanda later commented, "I'm all about this being one big party as long as it lasts." I get the feeling Wanda's definition of "party" probably revolves around apple juice, some banjo, and a touch of LSD.

Eventually, the boat veered close enough to the beach that Stephanie and Jonathan decided to jump ship and make a swim for it. The two dove in gracefully (actually, Jonathan's dive was sort of like a retarded kangaroo hop), and almost immediately, we knew it was a mistake. That's because upon hitting the water, the patented Survivor "stupid music" began. You know the type: you hear a few tom toms that go "Blom... blom blom blom.... blom blom," and you can just imagine Mark Burnett standing off to the sidelines making a LOSER gesture on his forehead.

In time though, everyone jumped into the water, including Angie who nearly blinded me with her pasty white thighs. Ian and Jolanda snagged the immunities first, and with that first challenge over, everyone introduced themselves and got to work building the shelter and finding water. To their dismay, the survivors were not given any supplies whatsoever and weren't even split into two tribes. Oh Mark Burnett. You and your twists. Wanda, meanwhile, alerted us that she'd prepared all sorts of songs for the experience, which makes me really optimistic that we'll be seeing a novelty record on the shelves soon. Apparently she collaborated with Lil' John and Usher. We can only cross our fingers for a cameo by Ludacris.

Anyway, a group of five survivors set out to find fresh water, and after a little bit of searching, they came across it in the middle of what seemed to be a golf course. Seriously, it looked like there was even a road in the background. So does this mean the survivors were stranded on an island resort? Maybe Fiji? (somewhere, the cast of Real World: Philadelphia just broke out into screams of delight at the mere mention of "Fiji").

Is that a road behind Angie?

Along with water, the survivors also found a sack of shoes. Just like a real survival situation! As the group headed back to the main beach, Coby and Angie quickly bonded as the two pegged each other as the tribe outcasts. Why? Was it because Coby's gay and Angie's got lots of tattoos? No, silly. It's because they're both mildly overweight! No abs = no acceptance!

Back at the camp, Janu — who resembles a polynesian Troll doll — scampered up a pine tree to help build the shelter. You know she totally smoked pot afterwards. If she didn't bring a hookah as her luxury item, I would be very surprised. Nay, disappointed.

The next morning, an ominous, sockless figure walked through the woods to the survivor. Was it a real castaway, happy to finally reach civilization? Or maybe was it Gary Sinise showing up to promote this week's CSI: NY? Actually, it was neither. It was predictably Jeff Probst who shunned his usual maritime entrance for a surprise jaunt through the forestry. Jeff had everyone stand together as a group, including Wanda in her sex-ay slip, and pulled Ian and Jolanda out of the crowd. He told them that they'd each pick someone from the opposite sex for their tribes. That person would then, in turn, pick someone else from his or her opposite sex. So basically, we'd be alternating by gender. The big twist though was that each team would only have nine members, and oh, by the way, there were twenty survivors. Two would be going home. Smell ya later Wanda!

The picking was relatively predictable with the old people and Angie being saved for last. What baffled me though was how so many rounds could go by while Ibrehem —  a.k.a. the tall, super-cut black man — stood there unpicked. Was he missing a leg or something? I suppose he fell victim to the Osten/Clarence reputation: jacked black men who severely disappoint the tribe. That's the only reason I can come up with to explain why Kim chose doughy hick James over Ibrehem.

Gosh, that jacked guy in the middle won't be of any help with the physical activities

In the end, Wanda and Jonathan failed to make the cut. I was a little surprised about Jonathan's ouster, seeing that he appeared to be a young, energetic buck. However, with Caryn being the last woman to choose a guy, it was obvious that she'd pick Willard over Jonathan as a potential ally for herself (they're both over the age of 28). The two non-popular rejects hopped into a boat, and as they floated away, Wanda rose to her feet and once again performed her little Survivor song. We then cut to Jonathan whose sad facial expression seemed to say "I have to ride back to America with this old bat? This sucks. I hate me."

See ya at the Grammys!

On shore, Probst distributed the tribal buffs —  one for Ulong (not to be confused with Oolong tea) and another for Koror (not to be confused with Passover staple, Maror). After Ian sniffed his buff like it was a pair of Adam Duritz's used undies (he's a big Counting Crows fan, according to his bio, Jeff left the two tribes to co-habitate the same beach. "It's definitely gonna be weird all staying on the same beach," said Angie to Stephanie, who responded, "BE QUIET, NON MODEL!"

Ian's tribe, Koror, immediately sat in a circle and held an orientation meeting. Greg insisted that they'd have to use their brains since their average age was higher. Yes, in a tragically unbalanced outcome, Koror's group of old fogeys wound up with an average age of only 30, as opposed to Ulong's spry age of 28.

Actually, turns out those extra years of wisdom on Koror were just what they needed as they approached this episode's first big challenge, an obstacle course. Probst greeted the tribes as he stood next to a mysterious object sheathed in a blanket. He told Ian and Jolanda to remove their immunity necklaces, and then said, "This is what you covet now!" Jeff then removed the blanket and revealed... a miniature idol of Jeff Probst! "Behold! BEHOLD! Bow down before your demigod and marvel at the power of KHAKI!" he screamed as thunder clapped in the skies above. Unfortunately, Bobby Jon refused to genuflect, causing Probst to unleashe a torrent of fire from his mouth, quickly roasting the survivor into a burnt skeleton.

Actually, none of that happened. Instead, Jeff only revealed this season's team immunity idol. He then explained the rules of the challenge. Teams would have to go through some net things and whole other bunch of shit before arriving at several crates of supplies. Teams could take as many or as few supplies as they wanted, but they'd have to carry them through the rest of the obstacle course. Basically, whoever won immunity would also win the supplies they had taken.

The two teams started off neck and neck in the course, but then Koror's three extra brain cells kicked in. They opted to only take fire (no food, water, or any other comfort) so that they could move on quickly and get through the course with a lighter load. Ulong, however, came to a near halt as they decided which supplies they wanted. I half expected musac to come piping in as these people perused the goods like bored window shoppers on Melrose Avenue. Ultimately, Ulong grabbed food and water, but no fire. I guess their plan was to cook the food with their hunger.

In the end, Koror won immunity and fire. Jeff then offered them the choice to go back to the beach with Ulong or travel to a new beach instead. Unsurprisingly, Koror opted for the new beach, and like that, all the big twists of the season came to an anticlimactic end. Honestly, why even have them on the beach together in the first place? And every season lately it seems like the survivors are stripped of their possessions, only to have them returned within the first three days. Seriously, what's the point? These twists are just like window dressing on the formula. I don't really mind them, but at least follow through a little bit more. Now someone please hold my hand as I step down from this soapbox.

Actually, the best twist in all this was one from Mother Nature. As Koror happily paddled to their new beach, a wave came by and capsized their outrigger. So much for that crate of fire supplies! That was pretty bad luck. Or maybe they were cursed... cursed by Wanda! Suddenly, the survivors could ever so faintly hear Wanda's voice cackling on the wind: "Enjoy your fire now, my pretties!"

Meanwhile, Ulong schemed to oust either Angie (for no real reason. Oh wait, she's not a model) or Jolanda. I wasn't really sure why they wanted to get rid of Jolanda. Some of the tribe members said she was the one who slowed them down, but I don't know. Not feeling it. Angie meanwhile campaigned for votes by proudly displaying her fluffy patches of armpit hair. Don't worry Angie. We'll just tell people they grew really, really fast. It wouldn't be unheard of. After all, at Tribal Council, we soon discovered that Ibrehem had nearly a full beard already (sadly for him, his previously shaved dome had now given way to severe male pattern baldness as well).

Speaking of Tribal Council, Jeff Probst tried to stir some sparks in this new group, but sadly, there was no drama to be had. James babbled a little bit about his team's strengths, and it occurred to me that he's sort of like a male Twila. Or actually, he sort of IS Twila. Sadly, no mullet was present.

In the end, Jolanda was voted off because... um... she was black? Sure. Let's play the race card. Might as well. It didn't really make sense, but sometimes these first Tribal Councils are lacking in logic. After Jolanda walked off into the night, Jeff scolded the team by saying "Stop with the excuses and get a plan!" Sheesh! It's not like they're writing college essays.

Anyway, the TVgasm Tivo cut off the Jolanda's final words, so I'll assume they were something like "This was a great experience. I'm surprised. I didn't want to leave first. Did you see that Bree Van De Kamp's son is gay?" Granted, I don't know how Jolanda would have gotten an advance copy of Desperate Housewives, but hey, it's my little fantasy. Just go with it.

Posted by at 3:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (20)

[by Jaded Bitch]
Well I for one was all set for a night of good television as I snuggled in on my couch, bundled up in blankets, comfort food laid out in front. I should've known better.

Oh well, at least host Chris Harrison finally got some airtime after a season of popping in and out of rose ceremonies and mindless dates. It was his turn to actually act as, The Host! He went on to introduce all the ejected bachelors, who all looked like they were on a rerun of the game show Studs.

ABC managed to stretch this supposed "tell-all" into a full hour by using numerous clips from the show, a million commercials, and audience questions.

One of the first issues they addressed was David The Fainter. He's the one who liked to wear tight clothes and who eventually keeled over at the first rose ceremony, remember him? When asked about his lack of circulation to the brian, he responded by saying he had been working out that day and had been cutting carbs out of his diet. "Someone had to take the fall,"he quipped. It was funny but it made no sense. Take the fall for what, David? And also, Atkins was so last year.

Stalker Stu was then placed into the ceremonial "hot seat" to be questioned about being, well, a stalker! This took all of three minutes to address, presumably because Chris feared what might happen to him if he were to push the issue. Stu stated that he just wanted to get to know Jen better. Nowhere in his discussion did he confirm nor deny that he was a stalker. And the survey says, he's still a stalker. If the crazed look in his eyes wasn't enough to tip you off, just watch all those clips that the show rehashed for the purposes of wasting airtime.

Fabrice, who roomed with Stu, was asked what Stu was like. Fabrice made a joke about Stu talking about Jen non-stop until the wee hours of the morning, to which Stu replied, "Well Fabrice tried to climb into my bed at night." Zinger!!

Ryan, who was booted last week, was next to take the stand. He revealed that he and his family were hurt by Jen's comments regarding their love for Thailand. If you recall, Jen bitched about how Ryan's family took no interest in her and how all they could talk about was their recent trip to Thailand. Ryan in turn basically called her shallow and classless. He said it was a two-way street and that Jen did not take any particular interest in his family either. Well, that's because Jen is a self-centered whinebag. Moving on.

Finally it was the moment we were all waiting for. Fabrice. Warming things up was a heated exchange between Frenchy and Josh, the virgin marathon runner. (Heck, if I were a virgin, I'd be running marathons too!) Josh told Fabrice off with the old saying of "People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones." Chris Harrison then chided, "Wow, you're a cliche machine." I bet he was waiting all season to say that!

Fabrice was then grilled about all the gay rumours floating around about him. "Are you gay?" Chris asked. Fabrice's reply? "No, I am not." WTF!!!! "These people should get a life," he said, possibly referring to myself and anyone else reading this column. He stated that he was at a nightclub in Chicago when a photographer asked him to take his shirt off and pose for the camera, and THAT'S when all the rumours began! He forgot to mention that said nightclub was GAY.

Fabrice was then asked if he peeked at the guys in the shower, to which he replied, "I'm not going to F*^! a woman on stage to prove I'm not gay." This was followed by a nervously laughing Fabrice and an awkwardly silent audience. Moments later, when Josh told Fabrice that he almost vomited watching him try to suck face with Jen, Fabrice responded with, "Try imagining my tongue down YOUR throat!" This was again followed by a nervously laughing Fabrice and an awkwardly silent audience, in addition to a bewildered Josh. Does Fabrice look like he came out of The Jim Henson Workshop or is it just me?

The final zinger of the night was when Chris Harrison addressed the two virgins in the room. He asked Jason, "What are you going to do when you find out that the body IS a carnival ride and you've been missing out?!" He then rubbed his hands together like two sticks and blew on them before exclaiming to Jason, "B-B-B-BURN!"

To make a lame show even lamer, for the first time ever, the Bachelor/Bachelorette did NOT show up for the Tell All. That's right, Jen did NOT show up to defend herself or resolve issues with her rejected candidates. Instead, she sent a recorded video message where she read off a teleprompter, "I'm sorry to Ryan and his family. I'm sorry to Stu. I'm sorry to everyone, please forgive me, blah blah blah." Ladies and gentlemen, it does not get any phonier than this.

The only spice of the evening came when ex-flame Andrew Firestone showed up. He was forced to face the crowd of men and set things straight. He's not in love with Jen, the two are friends and did not break up on bad terms, he wishes nothing but the best for her. He even went so far as to single out Ryan and Ben as whom he thought were the best choices for her. It was nice to see Andrew. I thought he handled himself quite well, given the circumstances.

The remainder of the episode we were subjected to more recaps and scenes from next week. To end the show though, we were fortunate enough to have Chris (one of the bachelors, not the host) offer up his services as a talentless country singer and sing us out. His song sounded something like, "Jean, oh Jean..." He does realize her name is Jen, right? Ah yes, I remember him. He was the "herrstylist" who got drunk in Episode One. Host Chris Harrison just looked on with a mild grimace on his face. Thankfully the ditty was short and the credits came rolling up the screen.

Who do you think Jen will pick? My guess is she's gonna go for John "I Smell Something On My Hairy Lip" Paul.

Posted by at 11:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (20)

Clockwise, from top left: Desperate Housewives; The Simpsons; The Real World; Kevin Hill; The Simpsons; The OC

As I caught up with my Tivo this evening, I couldn't help but notice that four shows in a row (Kevin Hill, The OC, The Simpsons, and Desperate Housewives) featured characters coming out of the closet to varying degrees. Don't really know what caused this pileup of sexual disorientation, but I think it's safe to say the producers may have been sharing some notes. See if you can match the gay storyline to the correct show from above:

1) A person finally admits to his/her best friend that he/she has been dating someone of the same sex.

2) A person finally admits to his/her sibling that he/she has been dating someone of the same sex

3) A person with a significant other carries on a secret affair with someone of the same sex.

4) A person must choose between two people of the same sex.

5) A neighbor discovers someone having a secret gay affair.

6) A person carries on a gay affair with him/herself.

Answers after the jump.

1) The OC. Yes, the latent homosexuality between Seth and Ryan seems to be hitting fever pitch these days, but the actual homosexuality this week came from Marissa who finally told Summer about her girl-on-girl relationship with Alex.

2) The Simpsons. After Springfield legalizes gay weddings in order to boost tourism, Patty Bouvier announces to Marge that she's been dating an LPGA star (who later turns out to be a man, but that's just a technicality).

3) Kevin Hill. Kevin's gay nanny has a brand new boyfriend. Unfortunately, that boyfriend has a wife. Drama!

4) The Real World: Philadelphia. In a rainbow colored episode centered on the show's two gay roommates, Willie dates one guy while maintaining a long distance relationship with another man. And of course all three wind up in the same club.

5) Desperate Housewives. Susan stumbles upon Andrew Van De Kamp making out with fellow teen Justin (aka the guy who tried to have sex with Gabrielle in one last attempt at straightness). It's not quite a coming out moment considering that Andrew yelps "I'm not gay!" but, well, it's not quite the most heterosexual moment either.

6) The Simpsons. Okay, I only put this one in here because Homer kissing himself was really funny.

Posted by at 2:07 AM | Permalink

It's President's day, and if you're lucky (or unemployed), you have the day off from work. What to do with all that free time? Well, fortunately for you, Paris Hilton has provided us with yet another nifty scandal. Looks like her Sidekick (the very same one she uses to IM Snoop Dogg, Big Boi, and Molly Shannon on those T-Mobile commercials) was hacked into over the weekend. As reported in Duuh.com, Paris-Hacked.com, and Defamer (among many, many other places), Paris's entire contact list —  and a few tasty phone pics — are now available to the public. Most of the celebrities have probably already changed their numbers, so it's no use publishing them here. Besides, it's kind of, you know, illegal (for the record, Snoop, Big Boi, and Molly Shannon were NOT in her rolodex, despite what T-Mobile would have you believe). The upside to all this, however, is a prank call to Nick Carter which will probably leave many wondering how turned on he was by this week's Desperate Housewives...

Personally, my favorite part of this entire mess are Paris's reminder notes. They range from the mundane ("Call Maroon 5") to the argumentative ("The only reason I didn't go to Vegas was because I wanted to see you. How am I disrespectful?") to the personal ("Get birth control kill pill") to the gossipy ("Tell Ken about Jess trying to bone JT"). It's hard to derive any narrative from these random blips and phrases, but there is a certain Dadaist flow to it, and by the time I reached the cryptic line "A1 Eli Manning 24", I found myself snapping my fingers and saying "So true. So true."

So enjoy, everyone. There's nothing like completely violating someone's personal privacy to bring America together.

Posted by at 12:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

The reviews are in. The OC demonstrated what some are considering perhaps the least passionate lesbian kiss in the history of lesbian kiss ratings stunts. I'm not quite sure what to say. I'm not exactly an expert on budding lesbian relationships, but I could understand why Marissa might not have looked as comfortable during her first kiss with another girl. She is just not experienced. Some people argue that is the wooden Mischa Barton that is to blame for the awkwardness of the kiss, and maybe that's so. I guess we'll just have to have some more scenes in the future before we can figure that out. In the meantime, we still have some other story lines worth following.

I am starting to begin believing that this entire second season has been a disaster. If you are content with an episode that features the tragic love of Seth and Summer and don't care about the rest, you must be quite happy. The breakfast banter this episode centers around Seth. Poor guy hasn't been able to sleep or eat since San Diego, instead spending his time obsessing about what Summer and Zach might have done while they were in bed alone together. Some people think that Seth obsessing over every little detail about Summer and Zach's relationship is a sign that he is not over her and they hold out hope that they will get back together. Does it bother anybody else that Seth has turned into a creepy near-stalker in the process? If this was how he acts after he has already had Summer (and ruined that relationship by crying over the departure of his hetero - we think - lifemate Ryan), I can only imagine how sucky he must have been when he was obsessing about her from a distance.

Seth hasn't showered and hasn't eaten and his mom, who we affectionately call "Ryan" these days, tells him he must eat and he must shower so he can go to school. Going to school is actually a good idea, because that way Seth can just ask Summer if she had sex instead of trying to forget about the idea by watching Hellboy and the Matrixes (or is that Matrices?). Momma Ryan once again stops him, telling him that is weird and creepy, so Seth gets the great idea that it would be a good idea to ask Zach. I also think this would be a great idea, because it would give Zach a chance to punch Seth in the face for even asking the question.

Well, the moment comes when Seth finds some time to ask Zach what they did in San Diego. There are lots of things to do you know, like Sea World and the San Diego Zoo, not to mention Legoland for you geeks out there. But did they have sex? Zach basically says it is none of his business, which is true, but doesn't punch him. The longer Zach and Summer are together, the longer I believe that the word "beard" fits the description of their relationship. It's bad enough that Seth is interfering in his relationship, but he also messed up a business opportunity. If you mess with a man's girl and a man's money, is there any other resolution besides an aluminum bat?

Although Seth is making life around him more difficult for everybody, Lindsay could care less. Earlier in the day, Caleb had called her into his office to talk something over with her. Caleb has sort of changed his priorities since the heart attack. He is starting to think that maybe he should pay more attention to people who are they for him when he is in trouble(Kirsten, Lindsay), and not simply there for him when they need money (Julie). Therefore, he wants to formally adopt Lindsay. Julie is quite pissed at the whole thing because it would surely put a little dent in her plan to become financially independent and leave Caleb. As the second wife, you really do get Jack when it comes to splitting up the estate after death. A natural descendant like Lindsay is always entitled to more. Of course I have no idea what I am talking about, but if divorce proceedings of the rich are any indication, this is surely the case.

Is Ryan happy to hear that Lindsay is finally going to be able to say that her dad wants her in his life? Of course not. Ryan knows better. Validation from your father is not as important as say, having Julie Cooper as an enemy. Maybe he is right, but what is Julie's best hope? Maybe to have Lindsay take a DNA test and then fake the results somehow so it looks like Lindsay is not Caleb's daughter? Now that would be some real intrigue, and it would also be way top easy for the writers to come up with.

Julie does insist on a drug test, and even tells Lindsay's mom about it. No big deal right? Well, it would be no big deal, except that Ms. Wheeler has no idea who the actual father is. It seems that Caleb might not have been the only one she had slept with so many years ago. She is not positive who Lindsay's father is, but when it came to providing for her daughter, she had no problem taking Caleb's money. After all, she never thought it would ever become an issue of Caleb actually wanting to have a relationship with her. She has a big fight with Lindsay, and so she goes to none other than Ryan to help her put an end to it. She tells Ryan the whole story, and says he must help her convince Lindsay not to take the test. Ryan tries to convince Lindsay, but she is too happy with her

Now, putting it out of your head just how fortunate it was for Julie to have this whole situation become so advantageous to her, there is a gross irony that the writers have let just hang out there that has not been lost on the readers. Namely, how in the hell does Ryan not start asking about his own paternity questions when it comes to Theresa? Hmm, a woman has a baby, doesn't know the father, but pretends that he is the father because it will be better for the baby. It's not like I predicted this would happen last year.

How in the hell does this not even register into his self-righteous head? Some of you may say that since Theresa said she had a miscarriage, Ryan never questioned the paternity. That's well and good, but Theresa is now at least eight months into her pregnancy. I know that Ravi Nawat is now doing some show on CBS and that it may be difficult for her to make an appearance on our little show, unless she decided to have an abortion when she lied to Ryan about the miscarriage, she is going to be dropping that baby any day now. If the writers simply overlook this little item and simply have Theresa show up with a newborn at some later date, The OC will have officially become (even more) stupid.

It turns out that it is investigation week here on the OC. Caleb is doing a DNA test, and the Feds are visiting the Cohen's. Special agents Shamrock[that should be Stonerock - ed.] and Tooter, besides having the least-believable FBI agent names in history right after the duo of Pineapple and Cooter, are in to ask some questions about Max's death, and perhaps gain a little insight into Rebecca's life. Obviously Sandy and Kirsten are still having issues about Rebecca's presence, and Kirsten hasn't even figured out how stupid Sandy was last week when he kissed his little Patty Hearst[thanks for the correction Jack]. The latest problem? Kirsten says that she wants to attend Max's service because she knows that Max was important to him. There's going to be a slight problem with that, however. You see, Rebecca is a fugitive, so the service is going to consist of Sandy and Rebecca.

So, here I am thinking "Is Sandy going to bury Max in his backyard or something?". And surely there is somebody who might want to attend his service other than his daughter. Berkeley isn't that far away, just throw the coffin in the back of the Rover and head up the 5. Which one of the Max's Berkeley colleagues is going to name names or turn Rebecca in? Instead, Rebecca and Sandy decide to spread his ashes over the ocean. Now, I know that Sandy might not have been the most devout Jew with his habit of marrying shicksas and celebrating all of those gentile holidays, but couldn't they have given the poor guy a proper burial? (My special correspondent from inside temple says that plain pine box would be vessel of choice.) And I wonder how many times people throw ashes out into the ocean from the pier. I mean, it's not very far, all of that shit is likely to wash back onto shore. As if I needed any other reason to stay out of the Santa Monica waters.

There is more than one identity crisis in Newport. Marissa has now officially signed up for the Lilith Fair lawn seats, but just how comfortable is she to be there? The only people who know about her involvement with Alex are her and Alex, and when she tries to tell Summer the first time around, she has some difficulty. She said she had company for Valentine's, but when Summer pressed to find out the new person in Coop's life, Marissa said she hung with her mom. Alex had wanted Marissa to invite Summer over to a gathering she was having at her house that weekend, but Marissa instead invited Summer to Lindsay's adoption party (yes, an adoption party).

When Marissa pops in on Alex after seeing Summer, she is surprised to find that many of Alex's friends have already showed up. You might have called the party "The Ehteridge Treehouse" because there was definitely no boys allowed on the inside. Marissa, already feeling strange about her feelings takes one look at all of the lesbians, sort of freaks out, and tells Alex she really just wanted to stop in and say hi, but will come over after she gets done with Caleb's party. She then gets into her Mustang, which I just realized is a convertible and is not on sale yet.

What is Seth doing about his little problem about his obsession with knowing Summer's sex life? Well, after he asked Zach, Zach told Summer, who interrupted her not so revealing chat to drive over to Seth's and chew him out for being a perv. When she gets there, he has progressed to tearing up all of the pictures he drew of Summer in her badass super hero form. She tells him that he has to get over it, and that he must shower, and that she didn't have sex with Zach. She leaves, and Seth all of a sudden has found new hope. Are we supposed to believe that Seth is in love with Summer, but would all of a sudden realize it is over when Summer has sex with another guy? And isn't it a double standard to think that if Summer sleeps with Zach, the Summer/Seth relationship is over, but Seth can be banging Alex, and it will have no impact on the future? What if it was just a blow job? Can Seth deal with that?

Anyway, Seth is very happy that he is still the only person who has had sex with Summer. He has showered, and is even feeding himself. He even apologizes to Zach, and is very confident about his chances with Summer, until Zach drops the bomb. Zach didn't have sex with Summer because he was against premarital sex, but Seth taught him maybe he wasn't waiting for marriage, but just the right moment. Summer was going to Tuscany with Zach for a family wedding, and he hoped that the combination of Tuscany and Summer was the perfect harmony of girl and place for him to cash in the v-card. He tells Seth all of this so he can "plan his freak out accordingly". Instead of being happy that he stomped on his rival (and I am beginning to think they might see each other as rivals soon), Zach offers a free swing for Seth, Cohen declines, surely about to go into another downward spiral of self-pity.

The adoption party is finally here, and Lindsay cannot look any happier. She has a nice red dress on, and all of these people are soon going to hear her dad say how much he loves her. Although her mom and Ryan aren't there (they both tried to talk her out of the adoption), Kirsten is there to lend support. It's only a matter of time before the announcement is made. Ryan eventually shows up, and bumps into Lindsay's mom as she is entering the house. I am not sure how many people Renee Wheeler slept with around the time she was having sex with Caleb, but was it so many that she thought the odds were that bad that Lindsay was Caleb's daughter? She plans on crashing the party, but Ryan says that he will do it instead. God, aren't there any adults in Newport that can do something without relying on a teenager to intervene for them?

Ryan tries to tell Lindsay not to do it, trying not to mention the whole paternity angle, but she is determined, and knows that Caleb will do the right thing. She obviously had raised her hopes a little too high, because Caleb calls her into his office, and lets her know the bad news. Julie had told him the importance of protecting himself with a paternity test, but he wanted to ask somebody with an actual heart what he should do. He asks Sandy, and he agrees it would be wise for him to protect himself, but as a father, Lindsay is only asking for love, and not money or a test. Caleb listened to his wife, and told Lindsay he wanted to postpone. Not surprisingly, she in tears, and we are given the necessary "I don't need to take a test because my real dad would never treat me this way" line, and she runs off. Julie, who apparently was listening outside of the door, uses this as an opportunity to pimp for Newport Living magazine.

As devastated as Lindsay was, Sandy could relate. He went to take some Chinese food to Rebecca. I suppose all of the illegal immigrants making food deliveries are too likely to call the police to trust them with delivering the food to the federal fugitive. Sandy arrives, and finds that there is a note from Rebecca. After Shamrock and Tooter paid their visit, Kirsten went over to Rebecca's and they had direct talk about Sandy. Rebecca admitted that she still loved Sandy, but that nothing happened between them. Kirsten then asked her if she really wanted to put Sandy and the family he has built over almost twenty years through what was about to happen. It looks like Rebecca decided to split. Now, although Sandy had talked to a federal prosecutor who told him that Rebecca would be looking at a lot of prison time even if she hadn't been present for the death of the guard, he is upset with Kirsten. Even though there are plenty of people out there that might have more experience with these types of cases, he still pushes the issue. I am sure they were about to ask Ryan for advice, but Lindsay had already chased him away.

While all of this is going on outside of the Nichol house, something else is happening inside. Summer actually believed that Marissa wanted her to go to the party, so she dressed up and was totally surprised to see Marissa wasn't at the party. While there, Summer and Marissa get to talking. Summer tells Marissa that she is not so sure about having sex with Zach. She thought that she wanted to when she was in San Diego, but is not so sure. She then realizes that Zach is a huge pussy and won't really care anyway, so why not just trust him. This is cue for Marissa to shout "I am dating Alex".

Summer does her best to act surprised. I mean, Summer has heard lots of things that might be more surprising come out of Marissa's mouth like "I am dating that homeless kid from Chino" and "I am dating the yard guy" and "My mom is dating my ex-boyfriend". "I am dating Alex" really just isn't that surprising anymore, right? Summer assures Marissa that she is still her friend, and Marissa dances around actually using the l-word out loud, but says she is having fun and they enjoy their time together. I think it is going to be about two weeks before Summer is watching an episode of "The Valley" where the same thing happens.

Having finally told somebody, which I guess means she has sort of accepted the idea herself, Marissa goes to tell Alex. Alex was really down about the interaction earlier. They were all just about to give each other henna tattoos when Marissa spoiled the mood. She is expecting Marissa to break up with her, and when she learns that Marissa told Summer, she knows that she can stop wondering how much her Natalie Merchant Box Set will go for on eBay.

Seth decides that he finally, really, no doubt must end things with Summer. He owes it to himself to tell her in person, and so he does. He says he is over her. She says she has a new boyfriend. And nobody believes that either one of them isn't thinking how much they really want to get back together with each other. I know that the thought of Summer and Seth getting back together is sort of like seeing Buffy and Angel back together for some people, but how many times do we have to go over this same scene in one season? Are the writers so very afraid that they aren't going to be around for a fourth season that they have to have all of this happen right now?

The episode ends with Ryan and Seth on the couch watching Hellboy. (BTW, why is it that the Cohens apparently have only one DVD player in the house where anybody can watch movies?) Sandy joins them, and brings them the (now cold) Chinese food that he never got a chance to give to Rebecca. How original, the three guys have all messed up with their women and are now alone for the evening. If you ask me, these idiots deserve it.

"Hey!" Count: Episode - 11, Season Total - 144

Posted by at 8:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

It's official. I'm a big fan of the lastest Apprentice cast. Yeah, some of them don't talk (big silent ups to Craig, Tara, and Kendra) and some of them have poor fashion choices (Erin's wardrobe is apparently assembled from Bed, Bath & Beyond scraps), but I'm happy to report that everyone seems to be relatively interesting. More importantly, the interpersonal conflicts don't smell of reality star showboating. I'm sure I'll be eating my words by the end of the season, but hey, if I can't pontificate now, when will I ever get another chance?

This week's installment picked up, as usual, with the cast sitting around the loft, waiting for the boardroom peeps to come back. Chris, fresh from defending his heterosexuality, grabbed a glass of whiskey and let the alcohol flow through his veins. Moments later, he crushed the tumbler with his hands and yelled "GOTTA... CALM... DOWN!!!" Okay, maybe he didn't say that. But definitely needing to take it down a notch was Erin who came sprinting into the suite like a bull in Pamplona. She was either extremely excited to have survived the boardroom, or her giant hair had finally turned on her, forcing her to charge towards the nearest window and plummet to her death. Unsurprisingly, it was the former.

Audrey explained how things went down with Mr. Trump, but really all I could hear was a steady stream of bleeps. I also noticed the producers inserted some peppy, urban music in the background. It was sort of their way of saying "Ay ay ay! Peppy Latina!" Meanwhile, Michael Tarshi, after a week of being good, reverted to his normal stupid ways as he boasted about his likeness to Trump: "He only likes Eastern European women. I only date Eatern European women —  exclusively!" And with that, the great Eastern European Women Emigration of 2005 began. To be fair, Michael did cite some other similarities between him and The Donald: They both love sunsets, walks on the beach, and, of course, walks on the beach AT sunset. So you see, everyone else should really just step aside now.

The next day, everyone showed up in front of Trump World Tower where a bundled up Alex dazzled everyone with his scarf of corporate majesty. Trump soon arrived with George and NotCarolyn by his side. No Carolyn? Quel horreur! I guess she was off on one of those intense country club management conventions (I kid! I kid! Don't fix your icy glare on me Carolyn!). Anyway, Carolyn's replacement was Jill Kramer, a marketing guru from Trump's empire. "Have fun Jill. Enjoy it," said Trump. Seriously, crack a smile or something. You're on TV for crying out loud! (And with that, Jill screamed like a madwoman and flashed her boobs).

What is this "smile" concept you speak of?

The mission this week was simple enough. Each group would outfit a bare Airstream Trailer into a mobile business with the help of $5,000 in seed money. Where would they get that money? "I have here two Visa credit cards," Trump announced as he turned to the camera and smiled for his sponsors. Oh Donny Wonny! You're a good corporate shill, aren't you! Aren't you!

After we were all done petting the Donald for a plug well done, the teams departed to brainstorm. Bren, this week's project manager for Magna, tried to think of interesting business opportunities. "Something that focuses on kids," he suggested. Hmmm... A mobile unit that preys on children? Let's just start the Amber Alert now.

Ultimately, Magna opted for a mobile spa getup. Not a bad choice. Creative genius Michael insisted that the business name should be "Massage-A-Go-Go" in homage to the Whiskey-A-Go-Go in Los Angeles. Mixing "massage" and "go-go" actually makes me think of that other LA institution: The Hustler Store. "Massage-A-Go-Go is great. It's like Sushi-A-Go-Go," Michael argued. Uh, and what exactly is Sushi-A-Go-Go? Tarshi's idea was predictably shot down as Erin quipped "You're a pig-a-go-go." The group then engaged in several "a-go-go" puns, but sadly, the moment did not transition into a musical ode to the Wham! classic, "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go." I guess I was the only one who kept expecting Tarshi to suddenly snap his fingers twice and go "Jitterbug!" You have to admit, that would have been pretty awesome.

Over at Net Worth, perky but surprisingly capable Tana stepped up as PM. She approved an idea by Angie to charge people for consultations with a casting director. Now, I'm not an actor, but I'm pretty sure the general rule of thumb is that you never, NEVER pay to audition. Charging for a casting consultation is what we like to call a "con". But whatever. It was a unique idea and Tana felt like she had to follow her instinct on this one. Oh, and by the way, the lesson for this episode? Follow your instinct. So I guess the sham wins out over the spa, huh? But that can't be. Magna has a good idea. Surely they can't lose. We then returned to the loft where Michael was handling a burnt pizza disaster. Wow, Magna can't even heat up a frozen dinner. Yeah, they're gonna lose.

With time ticking away, we returned to the Airstream garage, but not before an ostentatious establishment shot showed a bird flying to the sound of dramatic, swooping music. Oooh. Such a powerful image. I'm surprised we didn't see Mark Burnett rub his hands together and exclaim "That's my Emmy shot!" He could then throw his coffee in the face of an assistant and yell "Too cold! Too cold!"

Anyhoo... Angie, the former actress turned neckscarf enthusiast, headed up Net Worth's campaign to land a casting director for their business. She had trouble procuring one though since a) the entire operation was very sketchy, and b) she couldn't provide any details beyond "It'll be great!" After about four hours of this nonsense, Tara (not to be confused with Tana) gave it a whirl and managed to find a casting director willing to possibly humiliate herself on national TV. Tana (not to be confused with Tara) was quite excited by prospects: "She is a very well known casting director. She did Sex and the City. She's casting a movie right now with Uma Thurma; so I was like oooh, that's a big name. Hello!" Uma Thurma is a big name? I mean, I've heard of Uma Thurman, but I had no idea about this other lady. Tana later added "I really loved her in Pulpy Fiction and the Kill Phil, Editions 1 and 2. Hey, did anyone see Steinfeld last night?"

Over at Magna, the college grads had moved from a pizza dilemma to a cheeseburger dilemma. Bren, who was in Queens with Kendra and Alex, called the other half of his team and told them to get cheeseburgers for everyone working at the Airstream garage. As usual, Stephanie was not happy about the task and complained liberally as she schlepped the food over to the garage. When she confronted Bren about the menial task, he reminded her that she could have arranged a delivery from the apartment. Oh. I was really hoping an old cleaning lady would stroll by with her cart and mutter "Idiota..."

The next day, both teams hit the streets and opened their trailer doors to business. Magna seemed to be doing well despite the dubious contributions of its plucky marketing team of Erin and Michael. Using a little of the ole "If you don't do this, you're gay" strategy, Erin lambasted a poor guy on the street as she yelled "Real men get a massage!" She then ensnared the patsy in a web of hair and forced him onto the massage table. It was very Frodo vs. the spider in Return of the King.

Less effective was Michael Tarshi who quietly approached people on the street and asked "Wanna massage?" Could he be any more sketchy? For some reason, the pedestrians didn't respond well to the tall, burly man offering massages in a trench coat. Later, Michael complained to his teammates and even George that it was creepy for one man to offer another man a massage. Well, maybe it's creepy if you say "wanna massage?" like a nasty old pervert in a back alley.

Over at Net Worth, the team struggled to bring warm bodies into its casting con. I feared Tana might erect a sign saying "Maybe YOU can be the next Uma Thurma!" Luckily for Net Worth, you can never underestimate the power of a fame-seeking public. Eventually all sorts of deluded people arrived with the vague notion that stardom was just inside the Airstream trailer. I'm not sure how many of those customers have now launched successful acting careers, but I think it's safe to say their fleeting dreams have been happily shattered by reality. Yay fame!

At the end of the day, both teams did well, but Net Worth edged out Magna by just over $80. Their reward? A trip to Mikimoto to go on a pearl necklace extravaganza (insert dirty joke here). The camera cut to Craig whose expectant face seemed to say "Um, so no meal? 'Cause I kind of don't wear pearls... and I really want some lobster." The camera then zoomed out to reveal that he was, in fact, wearing a lobster bib in the boardroom.

Nevertheless, the gang hit up Mikimoto where Ms. Universe and Ms. USA greeted everyone. The pageant winners observed with big, Vaseline-on-the-teeth grins as the ladies tried on pearls and the men... smiled politely. Eventually Chris tried to spice up the party by insisting that Craig should wear a tiara. It was a funny idea, but things became awkward when Chris suddenly yelled, "PUT. THE TIARA. ON!!!" He really has some rage issues.

In the boardroom, quick-talker Bren suggested that Team Magna could use some of the creativity that Net Worth has. He then pointed the finger at Stephanie and Michael for being detriments to the team. Michael defended his performance by restating that it's creepy for one man to offer massages to another. There was lots of talking all at once, but all I can remember is Trump asking Tarshi "Do you think you're the sexiest man in the suite?" (and no, Tina Turner's "Private Dancer" did NOT come on in the background). So let's see. Last week, The Donald asked "Are you not a homosexual?" and this week "Do you think you're the sexiest man in the suite?" Exactly what is his agenda these days? Maybe doing a little matchmaking for Rhona? I hear she's a lady on the street, but freak in the bed. Grrrrrrrrowl! (imagine me making little pawing motions)

Anyway, Jill spoke up and said the failure on this task was the marketing (that's you, Michael!). There was more general stammering and babbling, ultimately leading up to Erin saying "Michael has become a boardroom cliché." Oooh. Very nice! And I wasn't the only one who thought that. Trump complimented her by saying "You have some good lines of crap!" And this was coming from the master of lines of crap. Bravo Erin!

My hair... It's dragging me down!

That being said, Erin delivered, er, another line of crap. "We needed to be street hustlers!" she proclaimed. Um, so they needed to lean against walls, smoke cigarettes, and ask random lonely men if they wanted company? It's really not a strategy I would have adopted.

Nevertheless, Bren opted to return to the boardroom with Stephanie and Michael, and as the group walked back into the lobby, Mr. Tarshi actually shook Bren's hand and congratulated him. DON'T KISS HIS ASS! bellowed Trump. Michael tried to give some silly explanation, but it came out as a jumbled mix of "You know" and "It's just" and some shrugs. It was quite masterful.

Later, as Bren and Stephanie went at it, Michael continued to interrupt them and remind the panel that he is, in fact, an idiot. Trump eventually reprimanded him by asking "I mean, how stupid can you be?" Sure enough, Michael proved that he could be VERY stupid. Trump axed him, and as Michael walked out, he handed his business card over and said "If you're ever in Boston, call me. Please. I'm serious. I own a nice, big parking lot." OH GOOD. Donald Trump NEVER finds parking in Boston. This works out perfectly.

And so Michael Tarshi exited Trump Towers as the latest of many disgraced employees. Donald, George, and Jill all nodded their heads in approval of a job well done. Tarshi was pretty lame, but he did give the show some spice. I'll also add that after Bren's masterful work in the board room, he might be a strong contender to reach the final four. Then again, you never know. A capelet mission might just throw everything off.

Posted by at 8:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Yawn. Excuse me while I wake up from the two day slumber imposed on me by the latest episode of Real World: Philly. Bored readers may have noticed a bit of a time lapse between this post and the episode. Why's that? Well, I've been busy. But even more so, I've had a hard time coming up with anything to say about these people. I guess it's not their fault. They can't control whether or not they lead bland, uninspired lives cluttered with petty drama. Sigh. Double sigh.

This week's snoozefest centered around Willie and his need for some straight up man loving. He ushered us into this installment with a desperate plea for booty. "I'm DYING for love," he complained. Somewhere, a disco ball went on. Unfortunately for the Willster, he's got this pesky tendency to be "faithful", whatever that means. Ranking as the second most offensive pestilence in the Real World house (behind scabies), fidelity has not treated Willie well. You see, his exuberantly bland boyfriend, Dan, is a personal flight attendant, which means he's globetrotting to Rome and Paris and Milan while Willie's getting slurpies at the 7 Eleven. And no, "slurpies at the 7 Eleven" is not a euphemism for "back alley sex" (although I'm more than happy to coin a phrase for the English lexicon).

Poor Willie. Instead of cranking up the Madonna and making sweet, fabulous love to his boyfriend, he's left alone in a house full of crazy women and jockish men whose homosexuality is only at the burgeoning, Greco-Roman Wrestling stage (Karamo excluded). Oh, and just to illustrate this point, Bunim/Murray ended this little sequence with three cutaway shots: a flagpole, a tall clocktower, and a banner for the ballet. It was the producers' way of saying "He's horny... and gay!" I'm surprised we didn't see a bunch of penises dancing on a rainbow.

The next morning, Willie arranged quite the lovely breakfast plate for himself as he voiced his sexual frustration to Sarah —  a.k.a. the bored girl reading US Weekly (I'm glad to see that the viewers aren't the only ones who don't really care about any of this). After Willie had clocked in a sufficient amount of babbling time, he later went out to Pure, which is apparently the only gay club in Philly. Nay, it's the only club PERIOD. Does anyone else realize how many evenings — gay or straight — wind up at this place? Somewhere in this episode there was talk of a place called "Shampoo", but surely my ears were deceiving me since no roomie except Melanie would ever venture beyond the safe confines of Pure, lest a wayward barstool find itself lodged in Landon's head again. Hmmm... Shampoo... Pure... and there's that famous gay club in NYC called Splash. Does anyone else get the feeling these owners are simply pulling their business names from Pantine commercials?

Anyway, welcome back from my tangent. At Pure, Willie, in need of some lovin' for his very own Willie, started making out with MJ. Wait, what? Did I just see that? Oh, never mind. No. That blonde curly mess of hair was simply Neil. Meet Neil, boys and girls. Neil was the latest in a long string of reality guests to grace a Real World cast, and this week he played the role of seductive other-man turned jilted lover (turned perm spokesman). Willie praised the guy's masculine presence, although truth be told, it's not very hard to seem masculine next to Willie. All Neil had to do was wear a non-sleeveless shirt to make Willie practically exclaim "He's like a young Clint Eastwood!"

Well, the two went on a romantic date and then decided to hit up the local bar scene, which in this case meant visiting Pure once again. Wait, didn't we just see this scene like twelve time already this episode? Maybe the producers have given up and are just recycling footage.

Later, Sarah, who just last week chastened Mel for being the most judgmental person EVER, passed, er, judgment on Neil. She confessed to Willie that she simply does not like the new ragamuffin, calling him boring and bland. Wait, was she talking about Neil or Dan? Or Both? Excuse me while I nod off.

Actually, Sarah lurves Dan. "Dan's fabulous!" she exclaimed in an interview, adding "And I mean that on all levels, sweetheart!" Luckily for her, the busy flight attendant put his wanderlust on hold and made a trip down to Philly just to visit his Chilly Willie. And what, pray tell, did they do? Why, they went to PURE. DAMMIT. Cut to their next meeting with the Philadelphia Soul: "We have a great idea. Let's build the playground in Pure! Actually, let's have the football games there too. Better yet, let's go on another STA Travel vacation... to Pure!"

Unfortunately, as the math geniuses out there may have already figured out, Willie had two boys, which was one too many for a monogamous relationship. Feeling the brunt of this was needy Neil who claimed he had no idea Willie was still in a relationship. I guess that whole cryptic "I'm seeing someone" line wasn't quite clear enough. And so the short-lived, vaguely tepid romance between Neil and Willie came to an end as the two bickered politely on the phone and bid adieu.

Elsewhere in the episode, the roomies tried to figure out the mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a do-rag known as Karamo. Employing a small army of euphemisms, people tried to say everything but "He's an angry, black male." Landon went for a vague description, remarking: "Karamo's just weird. Just weird." Sarah was slightly more empowering: "Karamo is unique." and MJ was succinct when he simply said: "Purple." Then again, MJ had apparently been saying "purple" for three days straight.

Sarah, serving as house ambassador to Black People, approached Karamo and tried to get inside his head: "Wanna have sex? I'm DESPERATE!" Actually, she simply had a heart to heart, kind of, with the reclusive roommate. Karamo insisted that he likes to be vicious but his good side always perseveres. Oh please. That's the biggest bullshit I've ever heard. Here's the thing. People who like to brag that they're "vicious" or they enjoy playing mental games generally do neither. It's what we call the "poseur" factor. Just as Sarah bragging about her sexuality (time she's successfully gotten laid this season: 0) smells of a desperate attempt to fit some manufactured image, Karamo insisting that he's tough and scary (but darnit, his virtues always kick in!) seems like a lame ploy to create a persona. Who would have thunk it? Someone on the Real World trying to force an premeditated image on the world? Why I NEVER!

Later, at Karamo Gossipfest 2005, the girls all tried to understand his methods and motives. "I know him better than anyone in the house!" boasted Sarah proudly as she wagged her finger and even shook her fist. It was kind of like an animated attempt to say "I'm a law student!" but it came off looking more like Alice from the Brady Bunch. Nevertheless, Sarah — playing a neat game of Operator — told the gals that Karamo likes and even wants to scare people. Motormouth Shavonda and the rest of the ladies therefore concluded that Karamo's outcast status was self-imposed. Mel then sprung to life, asking "So I'm not longer the pariah?" But alas Sarah smacked her and yelled "You stay in your corner, bitch!"

Actually, what Mel really did was talk to Karamo, and in another passive aggressive move, she informed him that everyone was saying that he was trying to scare people. No, of course not! insisted Karamo, adding "Why? Do I? Do I? Please say yes!" Later, while he drove his lumpy boyfriend around the city, Karamo complained that he's been trying to get people to know him but they always take everything to wrong way. He then added "You know, when I said that I wanted to slit Landon's throat, I meant that in a friendly way. It would be an activity for both of us! Man, they just don't get me."

Eventually though, "vicious" Karamo decided to viciously approach Landon and ask him viciously "Why does everybody hate me?" Wearing an entire bottle of gel in his hair, Landon embraced the dialogue with open arms and let loose some generic psycho-babble probably gleaned from Oprah or a cereal box. Still, despite this generally frank discussion, Karamo never really addressed his own issues as he assigned the causes of his behavior to external forces (I didn't have Ed, now I do) and environmental cues (I just get so stressed out!). But at the end of the day, he opted to make good with his roommates by spearheading a rousing game of dodgeball. Yes, there's no better way to assuage fears of physical assault than with a game of, er, physical assault.

And so the episode ended with everyone smiling and joyous and one big happy family. Yes, nothing says resolution like temporarily shoving all your problems to the side while you flee from bouncing balls. Hmm... that sounded odder than it should have.

Posted by at 12:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

The good news is that we will have another TVgasm chat next week either Tuesday or Thursday, probably around noon or so PST.

Posted by at 11:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Season 6 of The Amazing Race may be over, but the controversies live on. Abusive couple Jonathan Baker and Victoria Fuller —  aka Team JV — resurfaced last night to explain themselves on a Dr. Phil Special titled Romance Rescue. Sadly, the interview was neither a romance nor a rescue (discuss). Instead it was more like a pathetic string of excuses and shallow apologies. Jonathan managed to fault Victoria several times for his behavior on the show, but never admitted to having rage issues or misogynistic impulses. Eventually his excuses became downright bizarre and desperate: "Playboy is a big part of my life" and "It was just to be flamboyant!" (his shirt was doing that just fine. Zing!). In other words, he continues to be a schmuck.

Victoria, for her part, smiled happily, occasionally offering battered wife sentiments such as "I have a tendency not to talk" (otherwise she'll get beaten). We learned that she moved in with Jonathan after their first date, and if that doesn't scream neediness for male domination, I don't know what does. For his part, Dr. Phil did a nice job of putting the couple on the spot, but ultimately let them off the hook by merely implying they were headed for marital disaster. I personally would have liked a little Judge Judy-ish smack down, but hey —  you can't have it all.

Now, I was going to recap the interview, but it was so astounding, I knew the only way I could do it justice would be if I simply just made a video. So enjoy this montage of Romance Rescue moments...

Posted by at 1:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (15)

You gotta love 24. After all, it's the only series whose idea of a Valentines Day episode involves a nuclear meltdown, someone's face melting off, and a little old lady dying in a wheelchair. Man, you'd think they'd at least have Jack send Audrey some roses or maybe a little card with a train that says "I Choo-Choo-Choose You!"

That's okay though because while Jack and Audrey may not have shared an afternoon delight, the producers were kind enough to send the fans a love letter in the form of yet another excruciatingly intense episode. We love you too, 24. Don't ever leave us.

Tonight's episode began on a quaintly petty note as Curtis burst into Driscoll's office with a smarty-pants "Told ya so!" attitude. Oh no he di'int! Unfortunately for him, Erin wasn't about to take any bullshit from her underling. Why you be sleepin' around with the mole, bitch? she said (except less Compton and more Calgary). The two finally realized they had both fudged up, and their best plan of attack would be to alter some records to make them seem less culpable under the scrutiny of Division's mole investigation. Great. A cover up. Because those work so well at CTU.

Meanwhile, Jack Bauer called in to CTU with a cell number that needed tracing. Not so fast, said Edgar as he enumerated all the technical hurdles he'd have to face. In order to trace a cell number, they'd have to ping the source, triangulate the signal, get the De Lorean up to 88 mph, and then zap the Flux Capacitor with 1.21 gigawatts of electricity. You try doing THAT when the lunch run is already three hours late!

Elsewhere in Los Angeles, evil father of the year Navi Araz raided the home of Dina's sister in law hoping to find his fugitive wife. Sadly, the best he could do was expose a lurid extra-marital affair. "Don't tell my husband," the woman pleaded as she quietly covered up her wardrobe malfunctioning bosom. Amazingly, Navi left without shooting anyone in the apartment. Instead, he called up his boss and gushed "Like OMG! Dina's sister in law is having an affair! Can you even BELIEVE it? Tell Maryanne! Anyway, gotta do some terrorism. Toodles!"

While Pops was digging around all the wrong places, Dina and Behrooz checked into a hotel room and laid low. Unfortunately, mamacita was in extraordinary pain, what with the open gun wound and all, but luckily for her, Dina's brother Naseem worked at a hospital just down the block. Behrooz offered to get some meds, but before he left, Dina's cell phone began to ring. Uh oh. Was it Navi? No, it was Jack Bauer trying out that number he'd found. Behrooz let the call ring and ring, and while Jack contemplated leaving a passive aggressive voicemail ("Thanks for picking up. Very un-terrorist. Very. [long pause] Sarcasm was intended."), Edgar managed to triangulate the coordinates for Dina's cell phone. Why, they were in a hotel in Chatsworth. Just like the porn industry!

With a location pinpointed, Jack motioned for Tony to hop in the car with him. Not so fast. Tony wasn't just about to jump back into the CTU life. He has demons, man! Baaad demons. He's got to go home, watch some Futbol, play a little guitar. Smoke the peyote and remember when a man's word meant something, dammit. "I gotta go," he told Jack, who looked like his bride had just left him at the altar. B-b-b-b-but Tony! Luckily, if there's anything we know about Jack, it's that he's so damn persuasive. After some coaxing and wheedling, Tony finally agreed to come along. I'm surprised he didn't ask: "Can I bring my Chicago Cubs mug?" Yes, Tony. Of course. "How about apple juice? Will there be apple juice?" Anything you want Tony. We'll even let you sit up front. "Awesome!"

Back at CTU, Erin Driscoll approached Secretary of Defense Heller gravely. "We have a meltdown," she said, adding "And I'm not referring to my daughter (nudge nudge, wink wink). Sorry. Poor taste." Yes, a reactor had blown and now all of San Gabriel island was at risk (a.k.a. about to be dead/turned into radioactive superheroes). Heller and Driscoll immediately videoconferenced the poor technicians in the plant to confirm that yep, there was a meltdown — on their faces. Seriously. Their skin was melting off. Ewww. Get the hell out of there, Heller urged them, but the guys solemnly informed him that they'd already been exposed. Really? Couldn't tell! Thought it was just really bad eczema. Actually, I can imagine Edgar saying that. "Wow, that's some real bad eggthema." To which everyone would say "Huh?" "Eggthema! Eggthema, the thkin condithin! Never mind."

A nuclear plant staffer tries to save face

Poor Edgar. Turns out our jolly little computer technician was the latest victim of 24 sadism as he discovered his wheelchair bound mother was stuck in the fallout zone. As we cast our eyes upon Momma Stiles with her oxygen tank and vaguely Rue McLanahan-ish looks, I wondered if a neon sign would flash behind her saying "YOU WILL CRY NOW! LOOK AT HER OXYGEN TANK. HAVE YOU NO TEARS?" Amazingly, Edgar's mom had no Brooklyn accent. Dropping the ole heritage, huh? Apparently Lucy Stiles is the Madonna of Brighton Beach.

Speaking of parent/child relationships, Audrey and her dad had a nice little moment together. "How you holding up?" she asked. Heller summed it up pretty nicely: "Well, the bad news is the country is facing a huge catastrophe. But the good news: I got a new suit!" Actually, Heller didn't seem to care about that last part, but he was dreadfully concerned about all that radiation and terrorism out there. "What can I do?" Audrey asked valiantly. Heller told her to coordinate the police and the National Guard so that they could better assist a widescale evacuation. Audrey complied, but with a look that seemed to say "Uh, I meant, can I get you any coffee."

Out in the field, Jack, Tony, and the rest of the CTU crew closed in on Dina's hotel room. A new dayplayer named Agent Castle offered resistance to Tony being present, but Jack stood up for his buddy by essentially stating "He's with me, bitch." He then turned to Tony and said, "You can be my wingman anyday." Jack hearts Tony.

Moments later, Jack Bauer and the Funky Bunch burst into the hotel room where they found Dina about to blow her brains out with a pistol. Luckily the agents stopped her, and Agent Castle was ever so kind to jab his thumb into Dina's bullet wound. Owwy owwy owwy!!! She may be a terrorist, but he's a jerk. Somebody kill him off.

Elsewhere, wee Behrooz was stumbling into what surely would be a sticky situation. He arrived at the hospital where he found... Dave Attell! Oh, no, sorry. It was just his uncle Naseem. Behrooz asked for some painkillers, saying silly old Mom had thrown out her back again, but Uncle 'Seem was suspicious. So what did he do? You guessed it. He called Father. Crafty Navi told Naseem that Behrooz was a drug addict and that he should keep the kid in the hospital until he arrived. Okily dokily said Naseem, unwittingly imperiling our big haired teen. Oh Behrooz. Too bad he's not a baseball player. You know every time he'd step up to the plate, everyone would yell Behroooooooz. Sorry, random aside.

Back at CTU, Audrey presided over a conference room of extras, er, staff members. She wore some dark rimmed glasses which was her way of saying "I'm official and smart now!" Edgar, hoping to get Audrey to save his mother, waited patiently while she barked on the phone: "I've got 25% of the evacuees who weren't going where they're being told and another 25% that don't even know they're in the evac zone. However you need to do it, make sure it gets done." The guy on the other end of the phone then replied "Hey, lady, I only asked if you wanted pepperoni or extra cheese."

Meanwhile, in the hotel of sand and fog, Jack negotiated with Dina, who'd been pleasantly pumped full of morphine fun. However, not even the loopy high of an afternoon painkiller could derail this terrorist momma as she turned on her deepest, most gravelly voice possible. She insisted that she believed in the cause as much as Jack believed against it. Well, someone wants to throw down with Jack, huh? GOOD LUCK.

Amazingly enough, Jack did not shoot Dina in the leg. Instead he pulled out his compassionate card and basically said that if Dina talks, he'd protect Behrooooooz. After some babbling with the President, Jack and Dina worked out an arrangement and called Behrooz. Jack told the ragamuffin to stay put — CTU men and mommy dearest would be there to pick him up shortly. Ah yes, the ever classic CTU pickup. These always go off without a hitch...

Edgar Stiles, meanwhile, was in a dilly of a pickle back at CTU. Even though he had done like half a dozen things to save America, he still wasn't worthy of Audrey's time. I mean, how could she help his mother? She's only coordinating the evacuation plan for all of San Gabriel island! Finally, she just gave him a passive aggressive look as if to say "What do you want, fat man?" to which he responded, "If my mother were rich and a politician, they'd find a way to save her." Oooh. Edgar with the surprise PA! Bowled over by this loaded comment, Audrey decided that maybe she could help out Mrs. Stiles.

Unfortunately, Edgar's mom was shit out of luck. Not even Audrey could help out. And so we were treated to a weepy scene as Edgar and his mom bade farewell. Poor Edgar. This guy just has no luck. Well, he wasn't going to sit around while his mom died mid-Judge Judy. Edgar sprung up from his seat and headed for the door, but eagle-eyed Driscoll blocked his path. When she asked where he was going, he explained that he had to save his mother. Not so fast, E-Dog, said Driscoll. She gave him a whole pep talk whose cornerstone was "What would your mother like you to do right now?" Edgar: "Stay here." Driscoll: "That's right." And so Edgar took a seat again, and order was restored. Driscoll then walked away smuggly, muttering "Just like my no good schitzo daughter. Piece of cake."

As the episode roared towards the finish line, we returned to the hospital where things were going straight to the shitter for Behrooz. Naseem tried to hold him in custody, but the kid busted loose and ran down a desolate hallway where he came face to face with Navi. Blast. Naseem did a little "Oh, thank god you're here!" action, which was amusing for us as he was predictably killed by Navi about two seconds later.

Eventually, the last two minutes boiled down to a foot race as Jack, Tony and the rest of the field agent friends bore down on the father and son. Despite the dangerous situation, Behrooz assaulted his father with a battery of Dr. Phil lamentations such as "I hate you! I've always hated you!" but Navi was immune to his son's whining. The two wound up in a basement, trapped on all sides by CTU. And so ended this very special Valentine's episode. Yay dysfunctional families!

Is it curtains for Behrooz?

Posted by at 4:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

TV enthusiasts aren't created overnight. Dedicated are we who spend years of our childhood watching mind numbing hours of TV. People used to call those "wasted years." My parents told me if I kept watching that much TV, I would grow up ill adjusted. Well I’m grown up and I am well adjusted.

Why thanks to TV, I am not a drug addict. I learned my lesson watching Zack Morris talking Jessie off her speed high. I haven't been molested by a Boy Scout troop leader, I learned from Wesley and Mr. Belvedere to draw attention to uncomfortable situations with old men. And thanks to Tootie and Mrs. Garrett, I learned the value of my virginity and the import of not throwing it away willy nilly...anyone of these days, I am gonna lose it.

The point being, so much of who I am, who any of us are, comes from our childhood and the TV we used to watch. TV junkies like us are not a small minority, we have a voice.

In an effort to make our childhood memories accessible and in a time when TV to DVD is financially lucrative concept for networks and production companies, TVGASM has selected its first petition to bring a show which we felt important, relevant and popular enough to bring to DVD. SILVER SPOONS.

Tell me when you were a kid watching this, you didn't want a train going through your house, a duck phone, Erin Gray ais a step mom, a suit of armor in the corner and a freakin train going through your house. Hell even Mr. T swung by. This shows fan base is far and wide and its time we let Sony Pictures Television know just how big we are. The Fraggle Rock DVD release was started with an online petition which creates the confidence that we can make it happen for SILVER SPOONS.

Let your voice be heard and sign the petition below, via "Comments" at the bottom of the page.

If you don't do it for me, do it for Ricky Schroeder (out of work now that NYPD Blue is going away), Jason Bateman(out of work now that Arrested Developement is going away), and Alfonso Ribeiro (who may or maynot be alive)...and the wooden indian.

To: Sony Pictures Television

We are petitioning Sony Television to issue Silver Spoons on DVD either by way of Columbia House or general retail by season. There is a huge market for these discs and considering that the show is no longer in syndication and hasn't been for nearly a decade now would be the perfect time to introduce another generation to this five-year success story. Thank you for your consideration.

The undersigned,

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 11:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (20)

[By Jaded Bitch]
If the fact that it was Valentine's Day wasn't enough to make you gag, then ABC sure had something for you! Yes, it's that time of week again when we drop in on our favourite vacuous bachelorette! This episode begins with the standard 10 minute recap of the entire season. They do this every episode, presumably because they know no one is watching and they're trying to catch anyone who is randomly flicking by.

Remember me? I'm the host. Heh.

Now that it's winding down to the end (thank goodness), there seems to be even less of a need for Chris Harrison to bother showing up and hosting the show. We don't even see him here at the beginning of the program! Rather, we are subjected to a saucy looking Jen riding freestyle on a jetski. Where was our gracious host to guide us along and narrate what was going on? Instead, we get Jen narrating for us. She explains that we have jumped into the final "intimate" dates with the men.

The first rendezvous is with John Paul in Bermuda. And just because you're in Bermuda, does not mean you have to wear Bermuda shorts. Ever the fashion catastrophe, John Paul appeared in what looked to be my grandmother's wallpaper wrapped around his legs. The two lay on the beach for about five minutes, when it started to rain. They then huddled beneath John Paul's hairlip for cover and warmth.

Later that evening, the two walked through a circular arch plunked into the sand, as Jen's inner tour guide took over to explain that it was a moongate - a symbol of love, luck and marriage in Bermuda. But apparently, only in Bermuda. Which does these two diddly. And it only works if you're wearing Bermuda shorts, which would explain John Paul's earlier choice of wardrobe.

They had dinner on the beach and their conversation sounded like they were reading lines off a teleprompter a la Anthony LaPaglia at the Grammys. Jen fished out an envelope which held a hotel keycard in it, and let John Paul decide if they should spend the night together or go to their separate rooms. Surprise surprise, he opted for the Fantasy Suite with Jen. But first Jen had another surprise in store. It was a burning skid on the beach!! Aw, how romantic. Suddenly, BOOM! BANG!! BOOM! Oh yes, here's the "REAL" surprise - a private fireworks show for the two of them. Too bad John Paul practically pissed his pants when the first firework went off.

Number of kisses between these two: 25. Number of times I threw up just a little in my mouth: 50. (That's two heaves for every hairy lip smooch.) The two eventually made their way from the living room to the "upstairs" of the Fantasy Suite. Hmm, what could possibly be going on "upstairs?" Judging from Jen and her men, there's absolutely NOTHING going on upstairs.

The next date belonged to Jerry, and it featured a picnic, lots of wind, and a game of croquet. Unfortunately, Jen did not pull a Nicolette Sheridan a la Knots Landing and play strip croquet. Instead she whacked her ball back and forth and giggled like she knew what she was doing. Meanwhile, Jerry sat back and watched, having whacked his balls around all week already and who by now, was completely spent. It would've been way more fun had the mallets they were using been live flamingos.

Jerry then smoothtalked his way into Jen's heart with sayings like, "You make me feel weird" and "I feel uncomfortable" and "I have a crush" and "I like you." Genius, I tell you! This boy's a player! He also added in some nervous laughter to clinch the deal. The dinner conversation was about as romantic as watching an episode of Inside The Actor's Studio.

Jerry kept telling her she was awesome, and she kept asking, "Why?" Meanwhile, everyone at home asked the same question. It wasn't long before the Fantasy Suite envelope made its appearance. Was it to be or not to be? BOO YAH, it was to be! We saw the two cuddle on the couch - fully clothed, and I mean fully (Jerry hadn't even unbuttoned his jacket!) - and there was a bit of kissing, but alas, there was no "upstairs" to be had.

Our final destination was a lighthouse at Cape Cod. Before arriving though, we watched bachelor number three Ryan, pull out a Brush-Ups to clean his teeth. WTF was wrong with him? Did he not brush his teeth before he got there? Did he just eat some Thai food that his parents had packed for him?

Jen complained about Ryan's family not wanting to get to know her, and how this final date with Ryan, she was going to try to get that feeling back. What feeling is that exactly, Jen? Would that be the one where the whole world revolves around you?

The pair had some wine atop the lighthouse, while Ryan asked her how she liked his "fam." Anyone who calls their family, "the fam," has got to go. Somebody fetch me a drink! Where's Wendell's fam when you need them?

We then saw Jen swimming along in the water... oh wait a second, it was just a sea lion passing by. My bad.

At dinner, Jen said she didn't want to get engaged for the sake of getting engaged. That's because she already did that last time, remember? Paging Mr. Firestone!

Guess what reared its ugly head once again? No, not John Paul's sockless loafers. It was the Fantasy Suite envelope! And guess what Ryan had to say that? Why, yes Jen, I'll go spend the night with you! Other than Fabrice, what guy would say no to this??

Just when we thought the two were doomed to friendly Wendell town, Ryan and Jen ended up in the bath tub! What's this, a rubber duckie? Oh, sorry Jen, it's just your plastic breast!

We cut to commercial, but not before we were PROMISED an unexpected surprise at the rose ceremony. I held my breath for about one second for this one. When we returned, we discovered that the "surprise" was that Jen had requested alone time with each of the guys before giving out the roses.

She told Ryan that he was a good communicator. He then communicated to her that he wanted to be her husband. Clear enough. She then said that he talked to her in a way that she could understand. You mean, dumbed down?

Jerry opened up a bit, which made her joyous, but at the same time made her uncertain of his motives. Was he there for her or just to win?

As for John Paul, Jen kept marveling at the fact that he was 25. She STILL hasn't gotten over this. It's like, OMG, you're 25, and we like totally get along! And we both like think the same things and like, we're on the same wavelength or something... like totally!

In the end, the thought of endless Thailand stories must have frightened her, as she decided to cut Ryan loose. Either that or his communication style was still not adequate enough for her. Perhaps he ought to have tried clubbing her over the head and then dragging her back to his cave by the hair. He licked his wounds in the limo ride home.

Next week: the Reunion episode! "Find out the TRUTH about Fabrice!" exclaims the host, with a voiceover going, "Who's the gay one?" Hmmm, is this for real or just another ploy to get viewers to watch? Not only that, but they're bringing in Andrew Firestone to take on all the men! Now THAT just may be worth watching. Or not.

Like posing with a cut-out.

Posted by at 12:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Rules of the contest plus our season preview to get you started after the jump.

PS Yes, we know that CBS has their own Survior Fantasy League, and we encourage everybody to play. But since the leagues are only limited to eight teams, their won't be a TVgasm reader league like for the Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

TVgasm Survior Contest Rules:

2. Choose the three people you think will finish one, two, and three overall.

3. E-mail your answers to survivor@tvgasm.com.

The winner, to be announced at the end of the season, will be the person who gets the three final players, and the overall winner of Survivor: Palau correct. In the event that more than one person gets the correct answers, the tiebreaker will be who picked the second and third place teams correctly as well. If more than one person has all three correct, the person who e-mailed their answers first will be awarded the winner. As always, the winner gets one free item from the TVgasm store. We aren't a radio station, so if you have won something in the last 30 days, you can still participate in this challenge.

Only one entry per person/e-mail address will be accepted, and TVgasm will never give away your name or e-mail to anybody. We will accept entries until 8PM Eastern on Thursday, February 16th. Any questions or comments survivor@tvgasm.com. We STRONGLY encourage lots of trash talk in the forums.

Now for the contestants:

	Coby Archa - Coby is a bad boy that we rarely see on reality television. When he was 17 he was sent to jail for robbery and served five years probation. They say that prison changes a man, and that is no different with Coby. Coby saved himself from a life of crime by enrolling in beauty school. Now, I am not one to speculate, but he owns a hair salon with his female best friend as is active in his local theater. His favorite music is Madonna. Yes, prison really does change a man. As much as I would like to make fun of him, Coby does like The Apprentice, The Amazing Race, The Sims, and bocce ball. That is not a bad resume. He fits the profile of somebody who will slide under the radar and go far.
	Ashlee Ashby - Here we have the Stormin' Mormon of the group. Now I know there are always jokes about how Mormons are boring and don't do anything exciting, but please take a look at Ashee's favorites. She loves orange juice - with PULP. THAT'S CRAZY. And the most memorable part about Braveheart is that Mel Gibson wears a skirt. I am getting flush just thinking about it. She has her degree, but lists her occupation as student. That means she is probably a model they found somewhere in LA.
	Gregg Carey - Hoping to add a little excitement, it looks like the producers went for the upscae Boston Robb, Boston Gregg. While I am not sure I can place him in Masshole status before even seeing him on TV, I will say that the probability is high. Gregg went to UPenn which means it must have killed him to have not made it into Harvard. He can't be all that bad though, because he does like Lucky Charms. If Gregg makes it to the merge, he will be a contender.
	Bobby Jon Drinkard - Here is a dirty little secret. When a reality show can't find enough interesting participants, they fallback plan is to find a struggling actor/model in Los Angeles. That is the story of Bobby Jon Drinkard, who obviously has given up his acting/modeling aspirations by appearing on a reality show. As much as it seems like he sucks, I have to say the producers didn't do a horrible job; Bobby Jon likes Jodie Foster, The Dukes of Hazzard, and Platoon. And anybody who has the guts to name the Champagne of Beers as their favorite alcoholic drink deserves something.
	Katie Gallagher - Something has to be said about a person that leaves California and goes to school in New Jersey, but what you would say is that they are an idiot. If there is anybody I would pick from this cast to make an "impromptu" sex video and then sell it on the internet, it is Katie, who must be looking for something more exciting than staying at home with her cat.
	Caryn Groedel - Nothing says sassy, feminist lawyer more than a Caesar cut on an woman in her forties. She's married, but gave birth to three daughters and no sons. Ami Cusack would love her, but I don't see her making it to the merge.
	Angie Jakusz - Every season must feature somebody who is just a little farther out there than the rest of us. So long Nakomis, we now have Angie. As much as she has tried to differentiate herself from the rest of her generation, she has ended up like so many other people her age, i.e. working at a bar and living with her boyfriend. Don't lat the tats fool you, it's probably just a phase until she moves to Wabash and settles down with a CPA.
	Jolanda Jones - Another woman about forty years old with a really short haircut. Hmm, I wonder if she is a lawyer. Of course she is. I really have to hold back the snark from Jolanda though, since her father committed suicide when she was 13 months old, fought back from an abusive relationship to make it to the olympic trials, only to have to withdraw because her brother was murdered. Oh, and her niece died of SIDS. Unfortunately for her, community activist types usually don't travel far on Survivor since they ruffle too many feathers on their way through the competition.
	Stephenie LaGrossa - Uh, what is the producer's fascination with graduates of Monmouth? Stephenie is a hottie, but seems just a little too perfect. She has dated the same guy for six years, which obviously means she is going to dump him once her stint on Survivor gets her some publicity. She is clearly way too high maintenance to make it very far on the show.
	Jonathan Libby - OK, I am a heartless bastard, but even I don't have the balls to make jokes about a person who was diagnosed and cured of testicular cancer before he turned 23. And white boy spent two years learning how to make sushi, so you have to say something about that.
	Jennifer Lyon - One thing this girl has going for her is that she was born in February. Other than that, there is not much to say. It's a surprise to say that she wasn't able to leverage her degree in nutrition and food management into some sort of gainful employment. She says she is a nanny, but it sounds like another day job for a struggling actress. I think I am beginning to see a pattern.
	James Miller - This guy says he is a steelworker from Alabama, but his looks sort of says "Ukranian pole vault champion". James spent a couple of years in the Navy and studied bilogical sciences in college. He continues the trend of construction workers picked to be on the show. Although he doesn't list it on his profile, he must be a founding member of the Kevin Costner fan club, because there is no other reason for this guy to say that Waterworld was his favorite movie. It loathes me to say anything bad about a person who loves Dr. Pepper, but this guy has "early exit" written all over him.
	Kimberly Mullen - Let me see. Degree in international studies (concentration on the Middle East), with minors in psychology and political science. After graduating, she works for a defense contractor. Add it all up, and you have a person that seems groomed to be in the CIA or NSA. Want to increase ratings of Alias? Insert this former model and Miss USA pageant contestant in place of Jennifer Garner. She's hot and very fit, but most importantly she seems very savvy. If she avoids any beef jerky scandals, she will easily make the merge.
	Ibrehem Rahman - A casting challenge from CBS -Find a buff black guy that will make everybody forget how sucky Osten was when he gave up on the game. I am trying to find something original about Ibrehem, but looks like he is just another in the long line of people who sort of went to school, sort of did some modeling and acting, and just happened to end up on a reality show. Assuming that he can make it to the merge, Ibrehem is a person who can do a lot of damage.
	Ian Rosenberger - Every reality show hast to cast somebody who is so nice it just makes you sick. Enter Ian, who not only works as a dolphin trainer, but spent his spare time helping disabled children and raising money to fight cancer instead of gettting drunk, stoned or chasing coeds. Unfortunately, these types of people just aren't selfish enough to make it at this game. Pick this guy to come out on top of an AIDS walk, not Survivor.
	Wanda Shirk - When it comes to dealing with people, Wanda has lots of experience. She has two kids of her own, but has also been a foster parent to 25 children and exchange students as well. Wanda also seems to be very used to outdoor living and hard work, being a regular backpacker, full-time teacher, and an EMT. I believe she has the potential to be a leader of a tribe without having too much of an ego, so look for her to go far. She also has a Twila-like character that is sure to make her a fan favorite.
	Williard Smith - Having contracted rheumatic fever as a child, he had to spend several years in a wheelchair. While this adversity would have been enough for most of us to sit around and feel sorry for themselves, Willard got healthy and joined the Marines when he was only 17 and survived a couple tours of duty in Vietnam. After leaving the service, he became a lawyer and now has a private practice near Seattle. There is really nothing more to say about him other than I wonder how long he and Ed Bradley have shared the same style coordinators.
	Janu Tornell - I really hate to be critical of anybody who tries hard to get a college degree, but has to postpone finishing because of the realities of life. However, Janu is Cuban and took twenty years to finish a degree in Spanish, making me believe she might be the first person in the history of Survivor who may not finish because of lack of attention span. I usually say that people who are models aren't well suited to this show, but Janu has displayed a willingness to work hard and seems to like the outdoors. The other contestants aon Palau might underestimate her when she tells them she was a showgirl, and that might work to her advantage.
	Tom Westman - I think Tom's success in this game is going to depend largely upon how the tribes are split at the beginning. As a firefighter, Tom is used to being part of a team that must work together or people die. He probably isn't going to take a lot of shit for people, and you know that he isn't going to back down from any sort of confrontation. He'll take a leadership position, but get picked off quickly after a merge.
	Jeff Wilson - I am going to give this guy a little break because he was born in February, and we all know February birthdays are the best. That being said, this guy doesn't have much on his resume. In a field filled with people who have fought cancer, had their relatives shot to death, and have spent their time helping the less fortunate, a young personal trainer whol lives near Los Angeles screams "last minute alternate candidate". I am sure everybody on Palau will be sick of him in no time.

Posted by at 4:39 PM | Permalink

YOU ARE NOT RAY CHARLES

Dear Jamie Foxx,

Contrary to what you believe, you are not Ray Charles. So please win your Oscar and go away.

Sincerely,

TVgasm

P.S. Is Alicia Keys the only Ray Charles tribute person around? Last night's Grammys marked her second time in seven days that she's given an ode to Ray Charles on live TV. WE GET IT.

Update: Defamer shares our sentiment.

Posted by at 10:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (51)

Six weeks ago, I made the mistake of telling a girl that under no condition would I ever be devoting any time to The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise. Apparently this girl put a little "We'll see about that" hex on me because now here I am, giving my umpteenth update on the lives and times of the Bachelorette guys. Man, this sucks.

Anyway, long story short, the photo to the left is Fabrice, and yes, it was taken with my camera phone.

Mild Bachelorette spoiler after the jump...

Now before you call me lame —  er, actually, you probably did that already, didn't you? Well, now that you have called me lame, I'll explain. Saturday night was one of those random walk out the door, run into half a dozen reality star nights. You know what I'm talking about, right? No? Hmmm... Well, maybe I'll just have to clarify.

A few of my friends and I wanted to go out on Saturday, but we weren't exactly sure what we wanted. Lacking any sort of creativity, we simply meandered up to the Sunset Strip in hopes of excitement and/or trashy people watching. Our first stop was The Standard lounge. There we ran into Big Brother 5 stars Drew (and his twin, Ben) and Scott — who happily informed us that he was so wasted he couldn't see straight. All right. Not bad. A little reality flavor to kick off the night. When we grew bored of the scene, we headed over to Chi — a miserable little spot whose only claim to fame is having Justin Timberlake as one of its investors. As we walked down the street towards the bar, we couldn't help but notice a big, stocky guy in front of the famed Saddle Ranch Chop House. Indeed, it was Bolo from The Amazing Race 6. Turns out our favorite wrestling reality star now earns his keep as security for the bridge-and-tunnel bar. Sadly, he apparently wasn't good enough to be the bar's mechanical bull operator like John from Survivor Vanuatu or Blair from Road Rules. I guess Bolo didn't match the "pasty white guy" job description.

The reality parade continued once we finally arrived at Chi as David from Real World: Los Angeles made a fleeting appearance. You may remember David from such controversies as getting spat on by Puck and rape. Even the most anti-reality member of my group had to admit this was getting a little crazy. Anyway, things at Chi were less than fascinating, and when the color coordinated couple next to us crossed the PDA line, we knew it was time to jet. Where to next? We decided it was time to stop the experimentation and just go to Boa, a highly frequented TVgasm spot.

Unfortunately, Boa had a little line outside and according to the bouncer, only people on the guest list could get in. WELL. It just so happens that we go to Boa all the time, and we weren't going to let a small technicality like a "bouncer" or a "list" or "God" get in our way. Luckily, there's a side door to the bar; so my clan went around, and as I mentally prepared to smooth talk our way in, Jordan Knight — late of New Kids on the Block and The Surreal Life — appeared out of nowhere and began talking to the bouncer at the side entrance.

Fortunately, since we descended on this door at exactly the same time as the former pop star, the bouncer erroneously assumed we were part of Jordan Knight's posse and let us in. Good thing I wore my "I'm With Jordan Knight" T-shirt that night. As we waltzed into the bar, it became official: we had ridden the coattails of a reality star. At this point, we were all highly amused, but everyone agreed that the evening hadn't quite reached TVgasm post status yet. Not even the random group of pornstars in the corner of the bar were enough to take this night to the next level.

After about five minutes of people watching/judging/mocking, I saw a guy walking around who seemed vaguely familiar. Probably just a local person I've seen on the street, I convinced myself. But then suddenly I felt a tugging on my sleeve. Turns out one of my friends, also known on this site as S. Lo, is an unabashed Bachelorette fan. "That's Ben!" she squealed, referring to another guy in the bar. Sure enough, it was Ben from The Bachelorette. No sooner had she said that, I realized the guy I had vaguely recognized was also from the show (Michael, the one who said he likes spooning his dog). Huh. That's odd. I began to add a few notches onto the reality star sighting tally, but before I could do that, it was like the floodgates opened, and soon all around us were the tall, drunken rejects from Jen Scheft. Yes, we had stumbled into a Bachelorette party.

To be fair, not all the guys were there (and neither were Chris Harrison or Jen Scheft for that matter), but about ten of them showed up. Of the ones that I recognized, there was Stu the stalker talking to Matt the, uh, other stalker. There was Keith the welder drunkenly stepping on S. Lo's feet (he later almost spilled a drink on her. Needless to say, he was wasted), and of course there was reality chameleon Jerry who cavorted the night away with his bestest buds.

Current top three finalist Ryan was present —  and drunk —  and judging by the way he was making out with some girl at the end of the night, I think it's safe to say he and Jen Scheft will not be the next lovebirds of reality TV. If you don't believe me, just ask one of the 50 people who walked by them as they sucked face outside on Sunset Boulevard. Classy!

The truth is all these guys had packs of girls coming up to them all night long. At one point I was practically wedged between the bar and three girls who seemed all but ready to throw their bras at Michael and Ryan. I momentarily toyed with the idea of pretending like I were one of the Bachelorette guys (you know, that one from the first episode who got cut right at the beginning!), but then I realized that was amazingly pathetic. Besides, at 6 feet, I seemed to be about four or five inches shorter than the minimum height requirements for the show. Seriously, these guys were really tall. Well, except for Jerry. He was short. Sucker.

Oh, but I think I forgot someone... who could it be... maybe someone who was French... or maybe someone who we may have outed... hmmm... or maybe both... Ah yes! Fabrice. Good ole Fabrice. Yes, our man of ambiguous sexuality surfaced to partake in the evening's activities, and as he strolled through the crowd, I couldn't help but feel slightly bad knowing that we were the ones who had outed him... to the WORLD. Nevertheless, Fabrice (dressed dapperly in a shirt and tie) milled around quietly, but didn't seem to be mixing well. None of the other guys really socialized with him, and Ryan even asked him why he was alone. Does that count as gay-acting? Eh, probably not.

Either way, this was a certifiable TVgasm moment, but alas, would anyone believe me? I'd need to get a picture. Unfortunately, the bar was so dark, I couldn't just take a shot from afar (or even up close). If I wanted to get a picture of him, I'd need him to stand under one of the few lights in the room. Oh never mind, I thought. People will just have to take my word for it.

Luckily, TVgasm reader (and tipster) Spotdog was in my clique and ready to take action. I gave him my cell phone and wished him good luck. Spotdog walked up to Fabrice, introduced himself, and then asked for a picture "because my girlfriend just loves you." Long story short, we now have a grainy photo to go along with this whole mess. I feel kind of badly for tricking Fabrice, but hey, technically he's tricking us so... wow. It just occurred to me. I really need to get a life.

Posted by at 12:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I think any fan of Smallville will say that they really enjoyed watching the show as all of the characters went through high school. What comes next is open for debate. The list of television shows that have been broken as their characters graduate from high school is long. I think the Smallville writers see that challenge coming and have tried to set up a post-high school lives for almost all of the characters on the show. We'll have to see whether this helps keep the quality of the episodes from eroding after graduation, but I guess I shouldn't complain too much for at least giving it a chance. Let's just hope these little diversions don't make the lives of our current characters suck at a faster rate.

The writers must have been doing their research on what goes on at college, because the opening scene has a bunch of guys sitting around a table doing shots until they pass out. All of these huge guys seem to have no chance against their unseen opponent. Who could it be? A football player? A hockey player? A lacrosse player? No, no, and no. At Metropolis University, it turns out that the shot champion is none other than...Lois Lane. Yes, that Lois Lane, the one who told us the week before that she hated being on campus during Greek Week because all of the fraternity guys apparently loves getting drunk with these fraternity guys. Maybe she loathes them because she won't let them join. I say she should simply join the women's rugby house and call it even.

Lois had been challenged to show off the power of liver while she was on her way to brush her teeth. What other reason is there to be a party in your pajamas and teddy bear slippers? In a scene very reminiscent of Raiders of the Lost Ark (wouldn't we all love to see Karen Allen make a comeback), it is Lois vs. a football player with everybody else cheering them on. Although we all know that Lois is going to win, the football player tries to continue, even when a teammate (played by Chris Carmack of The OC fame) tries to get him to stop. He loses, and Lois is the champion. For her reward, she gets to try and walk home without getting caught by campus security. The football player, who everybody calls "Coop", has a different idea of how the evening should end. Lois drank with him, right? Thinking a dozen shots equals true love, Coop tries to put a move on Lois, who is too tired to argue and so she knocks him out with a kick to the chest.

Game over, or so we would think. It turns out that Coop simply wasn't knocked out, he was paralyzed, and so they bring in Lois for questioning. To me, it would seem that Lois had a good case for self-defense, and considering she is a college student and her dad is a general, she wouldn't have to post bail. Apparently not, because Lois not only has to max out her credit cards for the bail, but she returns to Smallville to ask Chloe for some help. Chloe has to go to Metropolis University to get some paperwork done for her financial aid, so why not help her cousin beat a manslaughter charge?

Coincidence would have it that Clark is also visiting Met. U on a football recruitment trip. Clark's athletic prowess not only opened the floodgates for his popularity, it also have him an easy road to paying for college. Schools all over the place were trying to recruit him and get them to play football for them. Met U. sent another product of the Smallville High School football team to pick Clark up for the recruiting trip. If you guess that it would be Chris Carmack, you would be correct. His name is Geoff and he was a star at Smallville before he became a star at Metropolis. He is a local legend, and takes Clark back to campus in an Escalade.

You think that we would also be given some sort of idea what Lana was planning after college, but we are still left guessing. Jason told her about meeting Lex, and how his job would basically be to get more information on the countess Thoreau. That would mean he would basically be spying on Lana and his own mother, Genevieve. Lana can't believe that Jason would even think about the job. He might have told her what was going on, but she had already seen one of her relationships ruined by lies, and she is desperate not to have it happen with Jason. She confronts Lex about the idea, and learns that things *really* aren't like they seem.

When Lana was getting possessed by the spirit of the Countess, she had been doing research. She would have been better served to simply ask Jason, whose crazy mother had been immersing him with the life of Countess Thoreau since he was a small boy. Suddenly, Lana is not so sure that she met Jason by accident in Paris, and starts to wonder just how much Jason knows about all of the things that are going on.

Clark's recruiting trip was much like the ones J-Unit remembers from the halcyon days of his youth, although things were slightly different for me. Instead of being picked up in an Escalade by a football star, I drove with my dad in our Accord. Instead of being greeted with my name in lights and cheerleaders calling out my name on the football field, I got a tour of campus and the reserve reading corridor. Instead of meeting boosters, I think I saw some TAs running around. Clark was given the promise of sorority girls at his beck and call (and they baked him a cake), I was told I would have my onw 100 megabit connection to the internet and only had to share a bathroom (one stall, one shower) with seven other people on my floor. Isn't it great to feel wanted?

It was at the sorority house that Geoff left Clark to fend for himself, which involved a tour of Alpha Alpha Alpha (I guess the Tri Delts didn't give them permission to use their letters). You would think that the young Mr. Kent would be used to having girls draped all over him now, and would be a little bit more like the other side of the pillow when a couple of young women take their shirts off and wrestle him to the bed. Before the girls are able to do something terrible like pleasure Clark in ways watching the cows on the farm get it on never could, they hear a noise in the close. Clark goes over to investigate and finds that Lois is also at the sorority doing some investigating of her own.

Most of you are smart enough to realize that they wouldn't have Chris Carmack cameo if he wasn't going to be a main character, and you pretty much knew from the menacing looks he gave and the wild adulation he received that he was probably had more to do with strange events than people might have guessed at first. When we learned that the character Geoff was from Smallville, you begin to wonder if maybe he somehow had a meteor power as well. It turns out that he did have a meteor power. Yes, you guessed it - he is able to paralyze people with his touch. The effects are temporary, and by the time he visits his roommate in the hospital, they are starting to wear off. Unfortunately for Coop, Geoff can't afford to let him leave the hospital. Coop was going to talk about Geoff and expose his secret, although indirectly. Geoff had been passing drug tests by using somebody else's sample (apparently Tom Sizemore didn't tell him about the whizzinator) to hide the fact that he wasn't playing fair. Therefore, Coop had to die, and Geoff suffocates him.

All of the pressure is obviously getting to Geoff. During Coop's wake, he is chugging beer like crazy. He nearly freaks out when the guy who has been selling him his pee shows up. He takes the guy outside, and Clark notices that when Geoff touches him, the guy goes down very easily. Knowing that he must have some sort of meteor power, Clark tells Chloe and Lois, and they decide that they have to get some more information on exactly what it was that Coop was going to tell to the reporter. While Lois is talking to the person Geoff bought his pee from, Geoff overhears her and begins to get paranoid about what she might know. He can't be too careful, so Geoff decides that Lois is expendable as well. He does his little paralyzation trick on Lois, and then drives off to take care of this little problem.

Chloe and Clark notice that Lois is missing, and they realize that Geoff must have gotten a hold of her, but they aren't quite sure where he was. Luckily for them, his Escalade had a GPS system and so they hack into the "TripStar" system to find out his location. He had driven to an industrial park, placed Lois on the ground in a room, and then flooded the room. Clark made it in time to save Lois (of course), and Geoff is sent to jail.

Geoff really crushed one of Clark's dreams. He was hoping that he could go on to play football, but it turns out the scrutiny of the thousands of people in the stadiums, and millions watching on TV, and the pressure from the boosters to win would have been too much. They didn't really explain why somebody with a meteor power would show up with tainted urine, but Clark would have had to fake his drug tests, even if he wasn't going to use his powers. That pressure was enough for Geoff to use his powers (even though he didn't use them at Smallville), and Clark realizes he can't jeopardize his identity by playing football.

His choice to stop playing was obviously a hard one to reach, and it surprised a lot of people, including Chloe. When she found out that Clark had powers, she thought that he was selfish for using them and still playing football. She thought he was using his powers to gain popularity. When she heard Clark quit, she realized that he wasn't selfish and has a new found faith in him. He might have to find another way to pay for college, but he really was the Clark she remembered falling in love with (or at least having a crush on). I wonder just how long she is going to be able to keep her secret. Clark is starting to get an idea that she knows something, and you wonder how long it is before she slips, or just can't take the knowledge anymore.

Clark has saved another life, but it is of little consolation to him. His parents struggled to make ends meet when he was in high school, and he can't think of any way he is going to be able to ask them to pay for college. Before he lets himself get too worried about that, Lois comes in to thank him. She has been cleared of all criminal charges, but still ended up getting suspended from school. She has been caught drinking before, and considering she was sent back to high school to finish some work, you might guess that she isn't a stellar performer in the classroom. After being kicked out of Metropolis University, her dad decided on the "tough love" approach and wants Lois to fend for herself. She gives Clark a sob story about having to live out of her car, and how Chloe's house is too small for her. If only she knew somebody who lived on a nice farmhouse with an extra bedroom and a hot shower. Before Clark knows what hapens, he has invited Lois to live with him and his parents.

At the end of the episode, Clark takes one last look at the life he is about to throw away. It's when he is on the football field that I just realize that his red jacket looks awfully like a cape, only took me about 90 episodes to figure that out. Anyway, the writers took us on a little bit of diversion, but look like they are setting us up to get back on track and will spend a good part of the rest of the season tying together just how Clark, Lana, Jason, and Genevieve all relate to the story of Krypton. And I'm not sure exactly how the Lois living with the Kents thing is going to work, but I am sure Clark doesn't want his parents to leave him alone with her.

Posted by at 12:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Which celebrity did TVgasm find in this sketchy van?

One of the great fringe benefits of seeing celebrities in LA is checking out their rides; so imagine my surprise when one Emmy winning actress rolled up to a restaurant in an old, rundown van that was clearly about twenty years past its prime. Yes, for a brief moment today, the glitteratti became the grundgeratti as a vehicle more apt for abductors, bums, or stoned teenagers parked directly in front of the Griddle Café in West Hollywood, causing craned-necks all around.

And as always, TVgasm was there to watch it all.

My friend and I arrived at the Griddle around 1 PM. As usual, there was a wait, and so the two of us stood outside for twenty minutes, casually debating whether that tall guy on the sidewalk was an analyst for ESPN. Turned out he was, and then we killed time pondering why he was in Los Angeles and not Bristol. As you can tell, we were pretty bored.

But then suddenly that Hollywood magic worked its charm. Out of nowhere, a large, ugly, and, well, ghetto van pulled up directly next to us. As my friend and I turned our heads to see what sort of disheveled mess would come tumbling out, we were taken aback to find none other than Drea De Matteo riding shotgun. Whaaa??

Now, I don't want to be shallow... but I will be, Since when do celebrities ride around in such crappy vehicles? Well, the thick stench of patchouli helped answer that question. Yes, this was a party van of sorts, and judging by Drea De Matteo's loopy face and wobbly gait, it was pretty obvious that whatever began late last night was still going strong.

Nevertheless, after a few minutes of being parked in front of us, no one had emerged. Drea poked her head out the window a few times as if to say "blaaaaaah", but aside from that, this dank van was surprisingly silent. But then the side door opened and suddenly we could see a bevy of unwashed, unkempt, and un-sober ladies most likely marveling about Pink Floyd and/or cocaine. There was a flurry of activity as a grungy couple, apparently answering the call of stranded hipsters, emerged from The Griddle and climbed into the van. Well, when you've got all the nappy, drug-addled hepcats in one place, why bother going into the restaurant? Have the restaurant come to you! And that's exactly what this group did as a few waiters lifted a small table into the van.

On the one hand, that's pretty awesome. I mean, you gather around a bunch of your friends, climb into a retro-van, and eat breakfast inside it — sounds like goofy fun. But when the people doing it look so doped up that they don't know if they're in a van or a sultan's palace, it feels sad and disturbing.

Nevertheless, a few of the ladies busted out cell phones and invited friends to the impromptu party. Who, pray tell, might be showing up? Before we could eavesdrop effectively, the clan dropped a plaid curtain in order to maintain some level of privacy. Well, not so much privacy as darkness perhaps. Ms. De Matteo frequently stepped out of the van — sometimes to take pictures of her friends, sometimes to talk on her cell, and once to find a bottle of Tabasco sauce (and well, then again later to return the bottle). Sporting some red and white striped pajama bottoms, Drea seemed happy but clearly out of it as she sauntered about. We desperately tried to figure out the backstory to all this (because you know there's a story), but the best we could do was make a few assumptions based on minute details.

Later, just as the food arrived (this posse required the assistance of three waiters), we finally discovered who the women had called: Gina Gershon. Why was this not surprising? Gina Gershon WOULD show up at a ghetto van breakfast. Whatever. It just lends further credence to my Gina Gershon/Sketchy Van corollary.

So thank you, Drea De Matteo, for finally doing something more entertaining than "Joey."

Posted by at 9:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

TVgasm would like to thank all of our readers who participated in two of our contests. Both the Battle of the Sexes 2 and the Amazing Race contests and giveaways are now over. We wanted to take a little time to congratulate the winners as well as announce out intentions for other giveaways in the next couple of weeks.

The Passion of the TVgasm - Winning our contest for the Real World/Road Rules challenge requires not only the skill to predict which star is going to hook up or get angry each week, but the patience to actually sit through each episode and formulate your strategy for the next week. There was one person who embodied both of these qualities, and so TVgasm gives props to domermeg for playing a great game and coming out on top of our fantasy league.

Amazing Race Challenge - Our second big giveaway was for this latest season of The Amazing Race. Predicting the winners before you even see these people on screen is difficult. TVgasm reader smithie was closest with her predictions, and so gets her choice of items from the TVgasm store.

If you didn't win, or missed your chance to participate in these contests, you will be happy to know that we are opening our pockets to give away even more quality merchandise for our readers. Although we had to cancel the "madeyoulaugh Fellatio Spectacular" due to lack of interest (and lack of insurance), that doesn't mean TVgasm isn't committed to givng everybody out there a chance to win. In the coming weeks, look for contests based based on Survivor, Amazing Race 7, America's Next Top Model, and the NCAA Basketball Tournament.

Posted by at 1:55 PM | Permalink

Wow. This was a remarkable episode. No, not because it was particularly exciting or emotional or intense, but because the two teams on The Apprentice exposed a complete lack of imagination when it came to marketing. For ages I wondered who could possibly create all those thousands of poorly conceived, terribly executed late night commercials, and now I know: Wannabe reality stars! So congratulations, Apprentice. We now finally have the first primetime show to prominently feature gay veggie porn and a man running around with smeared white cream all over his face. If that's not captivating, I don't know what is.

Of course, at the outset of the episode, there was no indication that things would be heading into pornville. We started with our usual prognostication of who would be fired. Erin convinced herself that belligerent teammate Michael would lose his exemption, but ScarfFace Angie had the smarter, more obvious insight: Team Magna is full of idiots. Who would take an exempt person into the boardroom? Such tomfoolery is deserving of a neck scarf strangulation.

Stephanie and Michael returned to the loft and almost immediately, Bren began lecturing his formerly exempt teammate. Listening to this guy berate, it doesn't surprise me at all to find out he's a district attorney from the South. I'm only surprised he didn't come from the 1920s. He looked about one bead of sweat away from the cast of O Brother, Where Art Thou? Nevertheless, a repentant Michael Tarshi apologized to his team and receded into the shadows with his tail between his legs. If you prick a Tarshi, does it not bleed??

The next morning, Rhona called bright and early. Clearly rejuvenated by the bottle of Trump Ice by her side (pause as I hold up a bottle and smile at the camera), Rhona alerted a bedraggled and haggardly Tana to round up the troops and stand by the suite's plasma TV. We knew it was American Idol season because she ended the call by shouting "Rhona out!"

With everyone showered and dressed, the teams congregated in front of the television where Trump appeared with a message. "I'm heading over to my helicopter," he informed them, adding "I have a busy afternoon of pretending to be somewhere." Nevertheless, The Donald announced that he had a "Uge" project for the candidates. "Dove. Cool. Moisture," he said, giving each word a careful, Wheel-Of-Fortune-esque emphasis. Apparently Donnie Deutsch (or Donnie Douche, as I like to call him) would be returning to judge marketing campaigns for the skin care line. But here's the catch: teams would each have to make a 30 second short film. Studio space, talent, equipment, and craft service would all be taken care of. Basically, the only thing teams needed to do was come up with an idea and shoot it. The project seemed like a fun one, and even Angie smiled, despite apparently being tied to the wall with her neck scarf.

Erin, who's looking increasingly like the girl from The Grudge, volunteered to be project manager of Magna while Kristen, who's looking increasingly like the girl from the Ladies Rogaine commercial (before, not after), became PM of Net Worth. In Adams Family terms, it was sort of like the battle of Cousin It versus Uncle Fester.

She carries a grudge... and a mean set of Uggz

I'm still a little fuzzy as to why Erin clamored for the leadership position, but Kristen boasted that her boyfriend was a director, and therefore, by osmosis, she was most qualified for this task. Of course, having a boyfriend as a director might only help if the guy had any sort of talent, but after having judged his untitled opus (which I'll name "Dumb Woman Can't Act"), I think it was clear that Kristen would not be bringing anything to the table beyond a vague notion of what a camera looks like.

Over at Team Magna, the college kids had a difficult time conjuring up an appropriate marketing campaign for Dove. Well, we know how that old saying goes: when all else fails, give a woman a cucumber and let the guys go off for butt sex. You never heard that? Huh. Well, Bren came up with the brilliant idea of staging the very un-Dove-like story of a woman suggestively rubbing a cucumber for a male chef... who would then walk away with a hunky waiter. Um, so the message is "Ladies, if you use Dove, you'll make men gay"? Sounds like a kind of drastic rebranding.

Amazingly, the entire team was pro-phallus, and Bren's softcore idea suddenly graduated from afternoon fantasy to future marketing disaster. Michael, eager to win back the favor of his teammates, offered up one of the best pep-talk lines in reality history when he boldly urged "Let's make this vegetable porno the best vegetable porno we can possibly make — with a gay twist!" RAAAAHHH!!!! Oddly enough, a stadium full of people started chanting "Ru-dy! Ru-dy! Gay twist! Ru-dy!"

Over at Net Worth, Kristen reminded everyone once again that her boyfriend is a director. We've yet to see a list of credits for this mysterious Spielberg in the making, but that might have to do more with the IMDb not accepting titles such as "Me and Kristen Doing It In The Kitchen." John, who's quickly becoming the superstar of Net Worth, came up with a fairly entertaining idea for the short film: A guy running a marathon takes a cup of water from a bystander and splashes it on his face. Then someone throws him the Dove lotion, and then more water, and then a towel, and by the time he reaches the finish line, he looks fresh and rejuvenated. It's not an award winning pitch, but considering some of the other past Big Ideas to come from Apprentice candidates (Crustacean Nation, the Pepsi globe bottle, capelets), it wasn't half bad. Still, the lack of a cucumber and a gay subtext had me concerned.

Over at Magna, casting for the Cinemax pilot presentation was in full swing as Erin perused an assortment of headshots. Upon finding a particularly hunky specimen, Erin devolved into a horny mess. "Whoa, look at those aaaaabs!" she exclaimed, adding: "Hold back my bangs so I can see better!" Later Erin outlined a plan to wrap the model up in her flowing locks, ensnaring him in a mangy cocoon of hair. "He will be my papoose, and I will be his Earth Mother," she then declared, tenting her fingers purposefully.

After a careful (READ: shoddy) screening process, Erin hired a sickly actor, a nondescript actress, and said Abs-of-Steel model who, if memory serves me, was most recently seen on Average Joe: Hawaii.

Nevertheless, the talent (if they can be called that. Maybe "carbon life forms" would be more appropriate) arrived at 4 pm, two full hours prior to Magna's arrival. The actors seemed bored, and the one frail guy appeared to be losing a battle with tuberculosis, but as struggling actors in New York City will tell you, a gig is a gig. As long as there's moolah at the end of the day, it's all gravy dude.

WELL, not for Bitchy McDivaFart. This actress did NOT like having the wrong call time. She waited two hours — TWO HOURS — for Erin to show. That's 120 minutes she could have spent not making money on a national TV show. To think, this poor, unknown actress had to sit around without direction while Oprah was on. That's abuse! Meanwhile, across America, viewers pondered "Is this woman even famous?" Hmmm... last time I checked, this bland, sure-to-have-a-short-career actress was not, in fact, Nicole Kidman. So why was she having a tantrum? Um... because she's an idiot? Yeah, that seems to work.

Anyway, the finicky actress finally proved her worth as a reality star by making an empty threat for the sole purpose of attracting attention. "I'm 90% sure I'm leaving," she warned everyone. And I'm 90% sure you're an absolute moron (10% of me thinks she's just a performance artist. Actually, that would make her 100% moron. Zinger!) I liked how this woman thought she had any leverage on Magna. But then again, if they had to replace her at the last minute, that could be a problem. After all, it's not like NYC is known for its teeming masses of unemployed actresses trying to make it big on Broadway - whatever that is.

Well, it was clear that "90%" comment really meant "I'm saying I'm gonna leave, but I'll leave the door open for some ass kissing." Enter Bren, Southern ass-kisser extraordinaire. The gentleman took one for the team as he swallowed his pride and apologized greatly to the actress. Suddenly Raquel Belch melted and became 100% sure that she'd stay for the whole shoot. Yay shallow actresses!

After the commercial break, Trump appeared to give his standard business lesson. "Never settle," he commanded. The Donald launched into an attack on mediocrity which was illustrated by... a backhoe clawing at an overhang? Huh. That doesn't really make any sense. I half expected Trump to yell, "Now that's a backhoe! No mediocrity there!" A mediocre backhoe then wheeled away, sadly muttering "He used to love me most."

Speaking of mediocre, Net Worth was in mid-meltdown. Kristen made the bonehead decision to send John off to compose music with Craig — aka the black guy who never says anything — which meant the guy who created the entire concept of the commercial wasn't even around to assist the execution. Tana meanwhile tended to the models, which meant she could say "All righty!" and "You have a good day now!" a few more times.

As a director, Kristen was pretty much as useless as a toddler with a Handicam. She had an obligatory Orson Welles moment as she demanded more sweat, dammit! GIVE ME SWEATY OR GIVE ME DEATH! Mini drama ensued as Tana feared the actors' makeup would run. Just spray, goddammit!!! bellowed Kristen.

And now a TVgasm production tip: to make an actor look like he's sweaty without having to re-apply water every ten seconds, cover his face with a thin layer of vaseline first. The water beads and the makeup doesn't run. Amazing!

Unhappy with her team's commercial was Angie, who was just about ready to throw in the towel, er, neck scarf. We're supposed to be thinking outside the box, she complained, finally concluding "This is the box!" Insert vagina joke here.

Over at Magna, Erin decided to give Average Joe dude a sponge bath. She later admitted that the scene would never make it to the commercial, but that didn't stop her from nearly drooling all over the stud, occasionally adding "Mama like! Mama like!" Later, Carolyn stopped by to oversee the all important cucumber scene. Needless to say, she did her patented eye-bulging routine. You know the one I'm talking about: the look that says "I'm shocked at your stupidity, offended by your immaturity, and disgusted by your performance... but I'll just stand over here quietly."

The next day, teams tackled the arduous task of post-production. Jonathan made the shocking discovery that Kristen had completely sapped all the humor from his idea by dropping the campy approach and going for a literal "Body Wash makes you run marathons better" message. "I wasn't going for funny," Kristen snipped, adding "I was going for more of a Chariots of Fire meets Pulp Fiction thing." Huh? How could she NOT go for funny? Oh, that's right. She's an IDIOT.

We then cut away briefly to watch The Donald step out of a limo and into a helicopter. Well, it only took a day and a half to get there, but hey, better late than never. Back at Donnie Deusch's boardroom (he SO wants to be Donald), Erin and her team presented first. In a move that reeked of corporate creativity, she had everyone dress like chefs, despite the costume having no bearing on the Dove body wash itself. Donnie immediately chastened the team and told them to take off the goofy chef hats.

And so here it was. The moment of truth. How would this cucumber commercial turn out? Eh, not so well. In fact, it didn't even make any sense. The bum outside my office weaves more intelligible narratives (Yesterday, he had this great story about a bitch who wouldn't stop right there, even after he alerted her that hey, HEY! he was talking to her. In the end, he announced that he needed to get some pebbles and wanted to know what the hell I was looking at). Nevertheless, between the cheap sets, the low-budget music, the crappy camera work, and the cheesy editing, the spot achieved the lofty goal of making Debbie Does Dallas look Oscar worthy.

Up next was Net Worth, featuring Kristen and her puffy, white hat. Donnie immediately began lecturing the team by saying "You know, Kristen, I told you guys to stop wearing goofy hats. Oh wait, that's not a joke, is it? This is awkward."

Mama Mia! It's Chef Boyardee! Oh, wait. Just Kristen...

Anyway, Kristen's commercial debuted to underwhelming results. Taking a cue from Homer Simpson and his penchant for star wipes, Net Worth's spot was riddled with flashy transitions and visual effects. Just about the only thing missing was that effect where a cityscape zooms towards you and the next shot begins in the window of a skyscraper. Curiously enough, when the marathon runner applied the Dove body wash to his face (body wash on the face? Eh, that's just semantics!), we suddenly saw quick cuts of a sunflower, a cucumber, and a teapot boiling. Huh? Was this some auteur view inside the tortured psyche of the runner? Better yet was that after he smeared the gunk all over his face, the runner just sprinted to the finish line without washing it off. I suppose it was semen chic.

Later, Donnie consulted his two top executives. A woman whose name I've forgotten (I'll just call her Schnozz for the giant beak on her face) questioned Magna's approach. A man walks off with another man and leaves a woman with a cucumber? "I don't want that product, and I don't want my husband to have it either," she asserted, adding "He's swishy enough as it is. Let's not give him any ideas."

In the end, both teams sucked so badly that no winner was chosen. Wah wah wah. Back at the loft, Erin explained "We were like zombies: so disappointed." Is that a thing with zombies? They get disappointed? "Look at me. Eating brains. Is this what I've resorted to? Mother would be upset."

Similarly crestfallen was Kristen who crawled into bed and tried to forget it all. "I'm not used to hearing the words 'loser' and 'suck' come out of people's mouths about me," she said, "Unless, of course, it's a command." Alex meanwhile sat dejectedly on the couch, his hands firmly placed deep in his pockets. Looks like somebody's still dreaming about that cucumber...

The next day, everyone got all spiffed up for the first ever joint boardroom. Silent Craig even removed his braids and puffed out his Donovan McNabb fro for the occasion. Tana meanwhile played solitaire on the computer, even when Kristen was babbling to her about Audrey, who she apparently hates. Tana simply nodded her head politely, although it was clear here eyes were on the prize: that glorious moment when the solitaire cards cascade off the screen in victory. Tana LIVES for that.

In the boardroom, Trump finally got to see the notorious spots, and needless to say, he was angry. Carolyn, confused by Net Worth's approach, asked why they would show a guy use body wash without water. Kristen made up some lame excuse about not having time, but then eventually admitted the real reason: "We didn't exactly know how to use the product. At first we thought it was cheese spread. Craig's still feeling a little woozy..." Then she turned to Craig and said: "Sorry for forcing that down your throat." To which Craig simply gave the thumbs up signal.

Perhaps feeling a bit bored, troublemaker George decided to call on Chris to get his opinion on things. I don't get this guy. He's silent all episode, and then in the boardroom he explodes into a hellfire of anger. Where does he come from? True to form, Chris erupted with rage, attacking Magna for using unnecessary gay images. He then accused them of worshiping Say-Tan and yelled "Can you hear me Jesus? I say, can you HEAR me Jesus!!!"

Actually, that didn't happen, but Trump did ask "Are you not a homosexual?" To which Chris responded/bellowed "SIR, I AM NOT A HOMOSEXUAL!" Chris then followed up by shouting, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M YELLING ABOUT!" Seriously, what is going on in this boardroom?

Asked to respond to Chris's allegations, Erin shunned the logical "His points about homosexuality are irrelevant" in favor of a Jeff Zucker friendly approach: "Who watches Will & Grace, a show about GAY men? WOMEN!" Are they seriously having this debate? And which women buy products targeted for gay men? Oh never mind...

Ultimately, Trump came down harshly on Kristen for not keeping her team together. After all, he noted, Magna had to deal with Michael who's a schmuck. At this point, Michael put his hands up in the air as if to say "Guilty as charged!" Magna burst into laughter and I'm surprised they all didn't laugh "He IS an asshole. But we love each other. (Please don't fire us)." They had nothing to fear though as Kristen eventually got the ax. Back to the Surreal Life for you, Chyna.

It should be noted that after this entire fiasco, Dove premiered its very own commercial which was bookended with glowing words from Donald and Carolyn. The spot itself wasn't anything better than anything the Apprentice people did, just a little glossier. I mean, it had Miss Piggy in it for crying out loud. Afterwards, Trump praised the ad by saying "Now that's a great commercial!" Of course, he was simply referring to his own program.

What did you think of the commercials?

Posted by at 2:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (18)

American Idol is finally done with the bad auditions, and has now moved on to the “Sudden Death” round. Not the round where Randy keels over from years of fatty foods, rather where the contestants have a week to pick and learn a song out of a list of 12 to sing before the judges, and move on to the next round or are sent home with no explanation. They will audition in groups of 10 by sex. Boys v. Girls sex, not “Pegging Simon Cowell” sex.

We see people arriving in LA from all over the country, many familiar faces. Some nauseating, others slightly less so. One girl tells us that she used to be a hotel chambermaid, and is not staying in the kind of room she used to clean. The editors decide not to cue up Mariah Carey’s “Heartbreaker” (i.e. catchiest tune ever.)

Some contestants get sleep before the big day, others work out, a big fat guy dons a clay acne mask, and the “cool kids” are at a Ruby Tuesday’s playing pool. Most seem incredibly nervous, and for good reason. The vibe reminds me of my high school debating days, traveling on the road and staying in hotels where the kids were cutthroat competitive, but also liked to have “fun.” Hence very tense. Yes, I did go to Debate Camp, and no, I don't appreciate you judging me.

7 a.m., the “kids” are up and ready to head to the audition. They are divided into two groups: Bus 1 will be headed to the auditions, and Bus 2 will be led on a sightseeing tour of LA. It’s just like American Idol Boot Camp, the very place Ryan Seacrest went from being a frost-tipped boy to a “curtains match the carpet” man. The younger competitors are traveling with their parents.

First up, one of my faves (and Simon’s as well), Carrie Underwood, the sweet, blonde farmgirl with a fabulous voice. There’s a small tet a tet between her and Ryan. He asks her if she’s seen any starts, and she says “It’s been pretty cloudy.” He clarifies he meant “Celebs”, and she guffaws and says “Just you!” Seacrest, again self-mockingly in a way I appreciate, retorts “Hopefully, it gets better.” Better as in John Travolta circa 1990 or Horseshack circa 2005? Just asking.

Carrie sings “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”, and I’m already dry heaving. This song has been forever ruined since it was covered by Michael McDonald, a singer who a friend described as sounding "like a foghorn full of Cool-Whip." Carrie does an admirable job, singing in a pretty and effortless way.

Next, Jaclyn Crum from Cleveland. She’s only 16, traveling with her mom, and is a pretty girl if you choose to forget about her rotting, homeless bean teeth. Really, at 16 this should be taken care of already. Sings OK, nothing special. Very plain, I’m not wowed by her. Following Jaclyn is Sarah Mather, a beautiful girl who sings Dusty Springfield nicely.

The last one in their group is Tamesha “Mesha” Foote, a tall pretty black girl with two identically twin daughters who sleep every night with the false promise that Mommy isn’t “going to go home empty handed.” Sorry, little ones, but your Mommy cannot hold a melody for her life. She is completely out of tune, missing every single note. And instead of singing “I’ll be there in a hurry”, she says “I’ll be there in a hoo-way”, further annoying me and everyone else watching.

The results: Carrie is in, Jaclyn is in, Sarah is in, Tamesha is a goner, and will be going home empty handed. The good news is, her heart is full of hate, as she explains that she sang better than Farmgirl Carrie, and remembered all her words. Maybe she can steal a blanket from the plane for her kiddies.

Next group up is totally Boyzone. We start with Anthony Federov, a flaxen-haired bespeckled boy who’s kind of cute and dresses way better than you would expect him to. His sad story is he got a tracheotomy when he was young, but now has the voice of a Broadway singing gay angel. At least he’s better than that horrible deaf kid from awhile back.

America’s Favorite N’Orleans fatty boombalatty Michael Liuzza (a.k.a. “Rosemary Clooney”) is back with his awful nasal “unique” style. I’ll stress again that he’s still a pretty good looking guy. And even though his voice is weird, he seems genuinely sweet, so I’ll stop my hateful spewing with Michael. Anthony makes it through, Michael Liuzza (pronounced, Jim Carrey style “Leeoo! Zzaaher!”) doesn’t, but says he’ll change the world some other way.

The other bus is partying it up in LA. But oh no! Shunta Warthen got on wrong bus, and instead of touring the city, was supposed to audition. Blue eyeshadow painted up to the top of her forehead, Shunta is in panic mode, and must get a cab to make it to the auditions in time. Hurry Shunta! Your time is almost up!

Back at the auddies, Rashida Johnson has a cold. They show her training, and she sounds kind of like a manly Toni Braxton. Ooh.. but she’s singing one of my favorite songs, “Baby Come to Me”, and managed to pull of a pretty great performance. Her singing chops are still there, and the judges know it. She’s through to tomorrow, people cheer, and she cries, saying she “wants her Mommy.” Aww, Rashida.

Back to Shunta. Where is Shunta’s cab? The girl is a mess. I feel for her, as this is something I could see myself doing. Minus the Ringling Brothers face get-up, of course. Yikes.

Now, it’s Pirate Whore Amanda Avila’s turn. She’s not as amazing as she was in her audition, but still pulls it off. Next, Travis Tucker, an adorable black guy, followed by tube-topped Lindsey Cardinale, who both sing “Ain’t No Mountain” like men. All three are yeses.

To break up the monotony, we see a montage of various assh*les explaining why THEY are the next Idol. And if any adults out there are worried about our children’s future? Relax, cause 1500 talentless fame-whores want to inspire the world/be role models, or so we learn. One girl explains that she wants to win “American Idol” because ““I think it’ll give me a better chance of meeting Johnny Depp.” All sarcasm aside, I hope she wins.

Boy group again. First up, Ross Williams, bland and extremely forgetful. Makes it through. Then Sean McNeill, a bald, goateed pastor, who has an amazing voice, and thankfully also continues to tomorrow.

SIRENS! My nightmare is back, and he’s still wearing a mandarin-collared leather jacky. Rich Molfetta is the guy who looks like an ass-raping ape, and who auditioned twice (once with his twin) in order to get to Hollywood. Now it’s his sudden death round. He sings “How Can You Mend a Broken Heart” very very poorly. With his eyes closed. It’s all very hard to watch. And (calloo! callay!) HE IS CUT! But keep your eyes peeled for next year’s Chess King ad campaign, cause I have a feeling Rich will be back and takin’ no prisoners.

Hey! Here’s something new! Stevie Wonder songs. What a relief, I couldn’t remember the last time I’ve heard one. Excuse me while I gouge my ear canals out with a melon baller. First we hear Nadia Turner, a girl with a huge afro and a big mouth that she opens as wide as she can. Frankly, I don’t think she’s all that great, but probably better than most of the people she’s up against. Next, church-boy David Brown, who I adore. He has an amazing, positive energy, and just seems like the nicest, most charming guy ever. Following him, another big ol’ bald guy (what is it with old bald guys this year?) Scott Savol, who has a great voice but is unpleasant to look at. On the flipside of the coin is Jeffrey Johnson, a minister, who you can just eat up from cuteness, but doesn’t have the chops needed to be in the top 12. Results? Nadia: In. David: In. Scott: In. And sadly, for Jeff, it’s the end of the road.

(Read in the style of audience in Rudy.) Shun-ta. Shun-ta. Shun-ta! (wild applause) Shunta makes it to her audition! And with just minutes to spare. And hooray! She’s really good. Clown-face or no, I heart Shunta. She’s through.

Back to the sightseers, Francisco Torres is a Brooklyn native who is channeling a major David Faustino-vibe. He weeps when looking at the Pacific Ocean, explaining that he’s sorry his family can’t see it as well. He goes on to say that it looks so different from the beaches in Brooklyn, a city where “sand” is defined as “needles, used condoms, and fried dough crumbs.” Meanwhile, in the background, a group of kids is singing at the top of their lungs. See? This is why AI is nightmare. You can’t go anywhere without some maniacs breaking out the a capella.

Vonzell Solomon sounds just like Whitney, before her demons set in, and is put through.

Remember Regina Brooks? Yes you do. She’s the auditioner who pawned her wedding rings to pay for her travel costs. Well, she lost 40 pounds and has a new weave to match, all in an effort to look “younger.” I like Regina, but I actually think she looks worse now. Am I crazy, or does anyone else agree? She explains that she wants to win because “This is mine.” Singing “This Thing Called Love”, she’s not bad at all, but really does seem a little to old and out of her element for the competition. Sadly, she doesn’t make it, which surprises me as they certainly let worse singers through. In a DEPRESSING confessional, she weeps that she’s giving up in life. She tries so hard to be good, and then she’s always let down, and does not expect anything from anyone. Yikes. Literally, you’re at a singing audition with 16 year olds. Take it down a crotch, Regeen.

54 are cut. 48 are through. And we have another day to go. Sigh.

Group 2 begins. Farmboy Patrick Norman begins, and is just awful. Also, he keeps rubbing his nipples, I shit you not. It is horrifying. Next, A.C. Slater Mario Vasquez sings, and he’s pretty good, but I’m not moved or anything. Finally, sensitive Brooklynite Francisco Torres comes on the stage holding a schmate with him like Al Sharpton, and when he sings it looks like he’s passing a kidney stone. His face turned red as a monkey’s ass, veins popping out… it was a spectacle. Results: Patrick: Out. Mario: In. Francy: Out. Torres takes it like a man, and at least came off pretty good on TV.

Marlea Stroman is so annoying. Yes she is. She tells us that she left her son at home and misses him awful. Well WHY DID YOU AUDITION, MARLEA! Her performance reminds me of a 5-year-old forced to sing by her parents (trust me, I know). And her dance moves are so strange, again, a little retarded. But she’s tall and pretty, so she makes it through. We later see her weeping openly, not out of joy, but sadness and longing for her son. More on that later.

Today’s sightseeing kids got a special treat by visiting the soundstage of “The O.C.” Piggy 16-year-old Jaclyn weeps openly, much in the same way I cried when visiting the “Clarissa Explains It All” set. (“OMG! That’s the ladder Sam uses to climb into her room! Hysterical bawling!) Then, Jaclyn’s mother starts to weep, and the two cry, hugging each other only steps away from where Seth said something neurotic and Ryan punched someone in the face.

Rocker Segment. It’s Constantine Maroulis, who quit is band to sell out nationally, Aaron Kelly from St. Louis, a monster with lustrous brown locks, and Bo Bice, a primordial missing link with the best voice of the three. Constantine makes me long for the simpler days of Rob Thomas. Alas, they all make it through.

Brianna David is like Ronald McDonald, if he could sing opera, had a vagina, and thought he was Japanese. With a white face, yellow teeth and Wonderwoman boots, she’s kinda funny, but a little too much and not a great voice. (Although her audition was surprisingly amazing.) Simon tell her “No, sweetheart”, and I call up Insane Clown Posse to see if they’re hiring.

Las Vegas’ (the city, not the show) Mikalah Gordon dons a Germaine Jackson hat and a sports bra, and gives it her all. She is so Fran Drescher it’s not even funny. Except she’s 16, and Fran Fine was a 30-something slutty Nanny from Queens. C’est la vie. She’s different, and has a fun stage presence and a good voice. Simon whispers while she sings that “she has to be the most confident 16 year old he ever met in his life.” I.e. he wants to commit statutory rape in like half of these United States. She tells the judges that she “missed her homecoming for this”, but that if she goes home, Simon has to come to the prom with her. And can you imagine losing your virginity to Simon Cowel? It’s like “The Devil called, he wants his 18-inch strap-on back.” Short story long, Mikalah advances.

Marlea is not emotionally stable enough to go through, and she becomes the first contestant to quit. Way to waste this recappers time, Marlea. She complains that it’s a lot of work, “an emotional roller coaster, and she does not want to be on this roller coaster.” No problem, I think there’s a seat free on the “Figure-Yourself-Out-O-Tron.”

A montage shows a series of others make it through to the next round, and some who were cut. And the best news! Remember that little pixie girl I hated, i.e. Cindi Lauper. She’s out! Pixie is out! Oh, Sigh Of Relief!

Thankfully, I’ve blown my wad at the very end of the episode. More antics to come tomorrow night, when those who made it through must pair up in three’s and make a little dance up. And hey! Where’s Seacrest? My heart feels funny… like empty? Yeah, that’s it, empty.

Posted by at 12:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

So this is it, the week we have been waiting for. The event that millions have been anxiously awaiting. The spectacle that will go down as a banner moment in history. If you were thinking "Oh, J-Unit's birthday", you were close, but wrong. I am of course talking about The OC and the kiss that was absolutely not a ratings stunt timed for sweeps. Why is everybody making a big deal of it, especially considering the writers have already unintentionally (or at least that's what they say) injected untold levels of homoeroticism into the relationship of a completely different pair of characters? The buzz around Alex and Marissa and their relationship may or may not have helped the show in ratings, but I do know that the writers are running out of tricks to get this show off the ground once again.

Our good friend Sandy has a slight problem. See, he neglected to mention to his wife that he was harboring a fugitive. The fact that said fugitive was probably actually the first person in line for the "Let's Make a Seth Cohen Sweepstakes", really doesn't help matters at all. It also doesn't help that the writers for some reason decided that they must mess around with the dynamic of the relationship that has held everything in The OC together more than anything else. I am not saying that I have a better understanding of the show than its own writers, and it's not like they are in danger of winning an Emmy, but is it possible to get some elements of the show that make sense?

Valentine's Day is a banner day in the OC. Kirsten *really* loves the holiday, so it is no wonder that Sandy is using that knowledge in order to win her favor once more. We find him in the kitchen the day before Valentine's day loading the kitchen up with flowers. Lots of flowers. So many flowers that he asks for help from Seth and Ryan to get them out of his car. The boys never think to ask why Sandy didn't have these flowers delivered and comply. Nonetheless, Kirsten is not very happy. Sandy tries to do the whole attorney-client privilege thing, but I think you have to side with the wife on this one.

Valentine's Day also marks an important one-year anniversary in the OC calendar. It was during Valentine's Day last year that Seth and Summer really started to get things going. This fact is not lost on Seth, and so he goes over to Summer's a few minutes before the two of them and Zach are to head to San Diego for their big comic book pitch. Although I didn't make a big deal of it, the "nose graze" from last week created quite a stir. Summer talked about it with Marissa then, during one of Marissa's brief "I'm more than just a sideshow" phases, and Seth went on about it at length with Ryan. Seth took the nose graze to be one of the most erotic scenes in recent memory. He acted as if he and Summer were a few moments away from a pretty good impersonation of Nine 1/2 weeks. Seth is supposed to be this character that is so head over heels for Summer that he routinely climbs various concession vehicles in order to proclaim his love, yet can't manage to find it in him to say anything when nobody is around. Why does this happen? Mainly because they need to delay this story line because it is currently the longest running theme for the season,

Thankfully, Zach enters the room before we are left agonizing over how long it is going to take Seth to admit to everybody that he is not over Summer. I know that the return of Seth and Summer would be a big deal to many people out there, but how long do we have to endure this before we move on? I know that Seth and Alex aren't allowed to be an item anymore, but was it worth it to have Marissa go lesbian when it also means Seth reverts to complaining about how much Summer doesn't want him? I don't think so.

Ryan is a little more comfortable relaying his true feelings to his significant other. He and Lindsay were supposed to be on a break because she wanted to get to know Caleb better and he didn't want to get in the way. But we all know that there is very little chance that Ryan was just going to let her go and miss out on a perfect chance to be self-righteous about his relationship with Lindsay. He goes to her and says he still wants to take her out for Valentine's Day. She agrees but only on one condition - she wants to know more about that whole "getting a teenager pregnant" thing that Caleb said last week. Yes, by now you have already figured out that I wasn't being entirely truthful. That scene never happened. I am not interested in this whole Ryan vs. Caleb pissing match, but I really have to give props to Caleb for mentioning the pregnancy, although nobody has said a word about it since. You would think that Lindsay, seemingly next in line to get a little love motion from Ryan, would ask what the whole deal with that is. Or maybe she is on the pill and just doesn't care. Either way, it's a huge oversight. There are certain things you don't want to hear from somebody only after you have slept with them. Things like "Did I tell you I knocked a girl up once?" or "I think my Herpes is in remission" and the ever popular "It goes away after three days."

No, Lindsay actually asked Ryan to apologize to Caleb. She wants things to be better between the two of them (Ryan and Lindsay) so things have to be better with the two of them (Ryan and Caleb). If I were Lindsay, I would take one look at my big sister and be happy that Caleb hates my current love interest. It seems to be half the battle to a great marriage. Ironically, as Caleb is wheeling out of the hospital, Kirsten is telling him that if he wants to make things good with Lindsay, he should apologize to Ryan. The OC simply loves two parallel players in the same story line on a collision course to a witty resolution towards the last part of the episode. But there has to be something else they can throw into this situation to make it a little more confusing.

Enter JULIE COOPER.

Yes, that Julie Cooper. She was partying all over Europe doing research for the new magazine. I think she was scoping out Swiss Banks so she could stash the money she plans to embezzle from Caleb in later episodes. Julie returns to her house to find Caleb on the back patio with "Mad Libs: Go for Baroque" in one hand, and a pencil in the other. She had heard of Caleb's illness and decided that it would be very nice of her if she decided to, you know, be at her husband's side in a time of need.

Julie spends the first part of her time back lamenting about Lindsay's presence. We all know that Julie is a huge bitch, but why must she complain so much about a father wanting to reunite with one of his children? Doesn't Julie have enough problems with her own daughter? Why does she insist on messing with somebody else's daughter?

I have to give some props to Sandy, because he finally realized that his marriage of twenty years might be a little more important than saving a federal fugitive who's claims of innocence are still kind of tenuous. I mean, sure she says she didn't do it, but maybe she is just saying what her father wants her to hear. He is on his death bed. Wouldn't it make what little time he has left a little more bearable knowing that his daughter was not a murderer? Sandy tells Rebecca that he can't defend her anymore, and checks her into a hotel so she is not crashing in his office any more. When he tells his Kirsten, she doesn't hide the fact that she is happy her husband chose not to help this woman. Now the only thing left for Sandy is to tell his mentor that he is not going to spend any more time trying to free his daughter.

What kind of sucky mentor is Max anyway? Mentoring is not about gathering favors from young people so you can cash in on them when they are needed a little bit down the way. Sandy tries to explain it to Max so he meets him at the pier and decides to leave for a minute to get more food. And we all know what happens when two characters like this are all of a sudden separated to get food, leaving one of the people dangerously close to the ocean. When it happened with Ryan and Lindsay, Lindsay fake-drowned. When it happened to Max and Sandy, Max died.

Whoa, that's some pretty fast cancer you got there my friend. I know it can spread like crazy, but Dead in Sixty Seconds is a whole new level of effectiveness. Even Ebola takes longer. Actually, Max had a stroke and died. Depending on how you look at it, he had either the worst luck (cancer *and* a stroke, that's tough to take, for any person) or the best luck (thank god I don't have to die the slow, painful death of chemotherapy, plus they bury me with a full head of hair). Either way, we can stick a fork in him, and no matter how abrupt people might think his death was, it was much better than trying to live with his suckiness for any extended length of time.

The trip to San Diego didn't go so well early on. Sure, they go to their "comic book" offices (which I can neither confirm nor deny were actually the offices for McG's production company). When they get there, they learn that the person they are supposed to be meeting is going to be delayed on a flight from Japan. I guess that goes to show you that you shouldn't book your meetings on a Sunday. I mean, honestly, are we supposed to believe that this comic book office has people working on Sundays, including what appears to be a full-time receptionist? There is no type of business in the world that takes more days off than the entertainment industry (as long as you're not an assistant), including banks and post offices.

While the day started off pretty bad for our comic book crew, it only got much worse. No, it wasn't the idea that they had this awesome suite in a posh hotel. Somebody made the mistake of putting Seth in an adjoining room to Summer and Zach. What's even stranger, Seth was acting like the sleeping arrangements were still up in the air, like he was going to end up in the same bed with Summer (or possible Zach). OK, I know you want your girlfriend back, but use some kind of stinking etiquette. It's assumed the couple are going to take the bed, and you sleep on your own in the side room. There could be worse things than a Cal-King all to yourself. And you don't win your hot ex-girlfriend back by becoming the most annoying bastard on the planet.

For Seth, there is something much, much, worse, and that's the prospect of Zach and Summer alone in a bed by themselves. In fact, he tries to get them to stay up late and watch movies. If the thought of Van Helsing wasn't scary enough for you, Seth was able to further dampen the mood by sitting smack in the middle of Zach and Summer on their bed. Hey, it worked for Summer when she tried the same trick on Anna and Seth last year, why shouldn't he at least give it a whirl this year. Well, because Summer mastered the trick, and soon kicked him out. Seth was left to listen the sounds of Zach and Summer getting it on all night long, except we know that they aren't so, it shouldn't be that much of a deal.

Well, we knew that Zach and Summer don't really do much banging, or at all, but it didn't help Seth sleep at all. Compounding his problem is that he recently just learned of Zach's plan to take Summer to a wedding in Italy and hiking in Tuscany. (I would just like to say that there are much easier ways to get laid in high school. It's a little known technique I like to call "Mad Dog 20/20".)He got all of fifteen minutes of sleep, and although he has been stunting his growth with coffee in the mornings for awhile now, even Seth is affected by coffee, especially when it has three shots of espresso in it. You just can't help but wonder what kind of things will come flying out of Seth's mouth when the ever so useful brain<--> mouth filter is not working properly.

Back at the hotel, Seth finds Summer alone once again. You know he wants to explain what the hell went on, but it is quite obvious what the deal was - he is not over Summer. Summer finally asks him if there is anything on his mind, and he should say it if there was. With no Oscar Meyer stand or Weinerschnitzel kiosk to give him courage, Seth lets the opportunity pass. For his punishment, he decides to take the bus back to Orange County. I'm not sure why the comic book makers thought it was so necessary to give them a hotel when they were 90 minutes from home, but it finally gives Zach and Summer some time alone.

Finally! There can be no more excuses. If Zach can continue to remain flaccid when he knows that Seth is rapidly traveling towards Newport and that he won't even have to clean the sheets in the morning, we know that something is wrong. Before they get started, Zach tells Summer he wants to tell her something. At this point I am thinking it can be only A) I'm a virgin and I'm scared or B) I'm gay, and you've been my beard. But maybe it is something minor like C) Because of a freakish tractor incident, I only have one testicle. But we'll have to wait until next episode, because Seth called Summer's phone, interrupted the moment, and we never got to listen to the rest of what Zach had to say.

Everything Seth can't do, Ryan can do better. Witness his attempt at getting past the man blocking his way towards his girlfriend. Ryan's apology was a disaster, but he had a great idea. Why doesn't he face off in a duel for the hand of his beloved? Motivated by Lindsay's extra-busty appearance that evening, Ryan confidently challenged Caleb to....a game of pool? Well, I guess there isn't that much to be gained for beating to death a person who had just been released from the hospital for a heart attack. But still, at least pick something a little more original, or at least something you know that the old man sucks at. Perhaps fooseball or air hockey? Eventually, Ryan beats Caleb to a game of pool, but not before they traded some comments about their pool games and taste in women. The game wasn't quite a binding contract, and so you know that Caleb isn't going to care about the outcome, which made it's entire presence sort of questionable.

Caleb *was* willing to concede at least a Valentine's date for Ryan, and even offered to pay. But Ryan didn't really want to take Lindsay out that night, he just wanted to prove a point. There is no better way to prove a point than win a contest over somebody, and the concede your victory prize. Caleb didn't understand, and I can almost say it looked like his heart grew three sizes that day, but maybe it was just gas. What did Ryan do with the rest of his evening? Well, he went to the diner to be there for Seth in his time of need, and they spent the rest of the episode together on the pier looking very, very ambiguously gay.

Sandy and Kirsten were all set to go to their favorite restaurant, Arches, for a nice Valentine's dinner. That was until Sandy got a phone call from Rebecca stating that she was going to flee once again. With her dad dead, there was really no need for her to stick around anymore, but she does want Sandy to say goodbye in person. Sandy, who had shown such good judgment in getting rid of Rebecca in the first place, can't help but leave. Now if that wasn't stupid enough, during the whole goodbye segment, Sandy decides to plant a kiss on Rebecca. No, it wasn't like they were using tongue, but it wasn't a quick peck on the cheek either.

What in the hell has possessed this man? Sure Rebecca used to be the love of his life, but she left the country. He genuinely loves his wife, but somehow doesn't realize that all that time they have spent together is more important than a relationship with Rebecca that is going nowhere. It's also quite the 180 turn for Sandy, who was so indignant about the kiss between Jimmy and Kirsten. To top it off, he tells Rebecca he will find her a lawyer and she should stay. OK, maybe his life with Kirsten hasn't been complete marital bliss, but hasn't the last week or so with Rebecca hanging around given him an idea of how til death do us part is going to be with her? Why does he even wonder why Kirsten closes the door in his face when he returns home? Rebecca seems to mean nothing more than "miserable life" from where I'm standing.

We aren't quite finished with the Valentine's day dinners in the OC. Julie Cooper has been out of the loop for a long time, so she has to kind of jump in and get people to start hating her pretty quickly. Mission accomplished. She threatens to take away Marissa's cell phone unless her daughter goes to dinner with her. Marissa obliges, and she goes on to talk about how she isn't sure exactly how long she and Caleb are going to last. Let's be honest, the biggest shock in that marriage was that the writers hadn't nullified it yet. While Julie Drones on and on about how great the magazine is going to be for her life once she is independent, Marissa uses a little trick that she learned from Alex. Although she didn't finish high school, Alex must have slept with a lot of psychology text books, because she explains how you can avoid conflice with somebody, and still seem interested.

Now, we all know that Marissa wants to learn a few other things from dear old Alex. She had previously said that she didn't believe in first dates on Valentine's Day, considering them bad luck, but Alex decides to break that tradition and be spontaneous. They decide to go to the ocean, because the tides are changing, and it's the perfect place to go when you want to take your life in a new direction. I would like to say that I was dying in anticipation for this scene to happen, but I was still wondering how in the hell they could have had so many lame resolutions in one episode.

Why should I care about the ocean? When you think about it, it's the perfect place for these two to be together. Marissa can show Alex all of the places she uses to drink herself into a stupor, and Alex can show Marissa the finer elements of muff diving. It didn't get quite that serious on this evening. Marissa and Alex shared a, um, tender kiss, just as the waves were rolling in. As a ratings grab goes, you would have think they would have tried and placed this at the end of a stronger episode, but I guess they would have been waiting for a long time.

As we promised, here is the big moment. We here at TVgasm are determined to keep you updated from now until the Easter fisting special. As kisses go, you have to admit, it isn't that bad. I mean, Mischa Barton looks awkward, but that is to be expected. She would be awkward pouring a bowl of Cheerios. Then again, I have to admit the girls looked hotter last week picking up beer bottles in their boyshorts. Mischa Barton is already a girl-on-girl veteran, so you think that this kiss would have had at least a little more spark. All that is left now is to see how long it takes Mr. Schwartz and crew to kill off this relationship as well, not to mention the more important question. Will Julie Cooper be having sex with another one of Marissa's exes?

You can't stop them, you can only hope to contain them (preferably on DVD with multiple angles). Remember for your hot lesbian Mischa Barton OC kiss action, the place is TVgasm:

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Did Marissa and Alex kiss seem hot, or not so much? Leave a comment below.

"Hey!" Count: Episode - 5, Season Total - 133

Posted by at 3:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (26)

Back in September, the good people at Bunim/Murray teased us with a season preview of The Real World: Philadelphia. There were oh so many clips: Karamo shouting at the cops, Sarah shouting at Landon, Landon shouting at Mel, Sarah shouting at Mel, Shavonda shouting at Mel, and of course God shouting at Mel. Well, maybe not that last one. The point is, we knew that people would be really hating on Mel this season, eventually leading up to the climactic moment of her bawling into a phone, "Everybody hates me!" Well, I'm happy to announce that this week the meltdown finally occurred. Yes, after a season of slow building tension that occasionally bubbled over with cutlery and scabies, Mel officially became the house pariah — conveniently just in time for TVgasm's 500th published post. That's right. It's always about us at the end of the day. Remember that people.

The episode began with Mel welcoming her tattooed buddies into the Real World house. General frolicking ensued. There was a fat guy jumping in the hot tub, there was a skinny guy playing pool, and there was the muscular Landon-ish guy running around with a knife. Oh wait, that was just a personal flashback to a few weeks ago. Nevertheless, Mel's friends cavorted around like a bunch of monkeys in a new cage.

Mel explained that she likes people with tough exteriors and soft hearts, although from the looks of it, I'd revise that to "wannabe tough exteriors and blatantly poseur hearts." No disrespect, but there's a difference between having tattoos to be a badass and having tattoos because you ARE a badass. Honestly, Richard Simmons with a Carebear sticker on his bicep is tougher than these guys.

Anyway, the action cut to Sarah leading another group discussion about why Melanie is such a truly awful biatch. She's the most self-righteous person of all time, Sarah concluded, quickly scratching Dr. Phil and every other Real World cast member off her list.

Speaking of self-righteous and annoying, Shavonda took this opportunity to weigh in on the issue. "Melanie's personality is what's abrasive and bugging people," she said. Wait, who's she talking about? Because last time I checked, it was Shavonda who was abrasive and... oh never mind. She continued: "How do you sit someone down and tell them their personality bugs the f-ck out of me? You can't!" Actually, Shavonda, if you get a blog, you can complain about someone all the time. For instance, I find you less appealing than a used condom, more annoying than a close talker, and about equally as boring as a Kenny G tribute to Sting. (If this were a sitcom, I'd add "Now get out!" and Shavonda would walk out the door while a live studio audience applauds. Judith Light would then say "You sure told her, B-Side!")

Willie, not wanting to be bogged down with Dra-ma! decided to focus his frustration on other things — mainly his job. Noting that everyone had to get back to work after a nice long vacation, Willie moaned "Playtime is over." Yes, now they must return to the rigorous grind of five hour workdays and meaningless meetings about playgrounds. More enthusiastic though was Landon who sat alert and ready for any playground logistics obstacle the Philly Soul could throw his way. "I'm a big boy now!" his face seemed to say. To his credit, Landon has been studying landscape architecture; so this is really important experience for later projects such as fences, gazebos, and trellises.

Luckily, Bunim/Murray and I feel the same way about this playground: BORING. Back in the city, Melanie hit up her local spot, the Drinker's Tavern. Unfortunately, she's taken to calling it simply "Drinker's" which means she's probably assaulted all her friends with annoying emails like "Went to Drinker's last night. That place is my flavorite! :P" Upon return to the mansion, the drunk Melanie babbled about how wonderful all her friends at the tavern are. Translation: you guys suck.

Chaos soon broke out in high fashion as Mel cornered Shavonda and MJ and forced them to listen to every reason why she hearts her friends. Suddenly MJ's brain whirred to life as he asked if you don't want the roommates to be a part of the Drinker's Tavern world, why do you bring the crew back to the house? Well done MJ! You get a star! Mel paused and then responded sadly "I never said you can't go there!" Oh really? That's not what the black and white flashback has to say! BUSTED. Take her away, Bunim/Murray.

Sensing an oncoming moment of drama, Shavonda quickly piped up, stating, "You talk too damn much and you like the sound of your own goddamn voice... I know I won't get a f-cking word in edgewise. I listen to people!" Hello Pot? It's Kettle. Just wanted to let you know you've been getting pretty black lately. Oh, and can you tape Desperate Housewives for me? Thanks.

In response to these allegations, Mel simply went doe-eyed and asked a lot of Who Me? questions. "What did I do? Did I? HUH???" This sufficiently sent MJ and Shavonda scurrying away, allowing Mel to call up her dad and then boyfriend Andy to inform them that she was, in fact, hated by everyone. She then said the words every Real World producer loves: "I wanna come home." Rah! Insta-drama! Go directly to commercial break. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

Coming back from the break, we returned to the ongoing saga of the playground from hell. Karamo, Mel, and Landon skipped work for various reasons. Sarah surmised that they'd probably spend the day sleeping, a bombshell theory that sent Willie gasping. He noted that he once skipped work to sleep but was shocked that others would too. Real Worlders lazy? I don't believe it for a second.

The next day though everyone was present to unload the playground pieces and parts from a tractor trailer. As the roomies struggled with the task, the producers cut away to a street sign saying "Watch Children." Was it telling us to be cautious around the clumsy Real Worlders, or merely imploring us to watch this circus? Probably both. For the record, Mel opted to wear a T-shirt bearing the line "Got Crabs?" Apparently this was purchased at Scabies-R-Us. Around this time, their supervisor, Laura, told everyone that they'd have an SUV and cell phone at their disposal for WORK USE ONLY. Hmmm... might there be an irresponsible incident with these new toys later on? Methinks yes!

Later at the mansion, Mel decided to approach her roommates to find out just how much they hated her. Willie, the only articulate person with half a head on his shoulders, politely told her that she has a way of inserting her opinion and making other people feel judged or unimportant. It's like saying "I feel this way, but I don't respect how you feel," he explained. Mel nodded her head and responded "I'm, I guess, a little more passionate." Wow, she just agreed with and dismissed Willie all at once. I was surprised he didn't yell "See! See! You just did it!"

Next, Mel tackled the two-fer of Sarah and Shavonda who expressed how much they love her, but in a "please get out of my face" kind of way. The three talked everything out with Mel finally resolving to change her ways. Of course, two seconds later she was back with her PA: "Hopefully you guys will be patient [because you haven't been in the past]... 22 years being like this and no one's had a problem [maybe you bitches are the ones with the problem]." Sarah and Shavonda smiled and hugs were shared all around.

So I guess that's resolved. Right? Hmmm... maybe we should just go back to the playground.

The next day — or maybe five days later; who knows with editing — the gang reconvened at the playground site and began assembling. Supervisor Laura showed up to reprimand Karamo, Landon, and Mel with her patented method of munchkin administrating. I'm so cute! You're almost fired! Tee-hee!

Moments later ING Direct called up to get some quality product placement time — or as they termed it, "make a charitable contribution." Everyone zipped over to the ING Direct Café (hey, seeing that on MTV makes me want to visit one and call it hip!) where a corporate spokesman disguised as a cool youngster donated a bunch of money to the Northern Home. But wait, there's more! The guy said if the roommates finish the playground successfully and on time, they'd each get a savings account with $1,000 in it from ING.

Suddenly the screen went black and the credits rolled. Dunh dunh... dunh? That was kind of abrupt. Was it me, or did that ending feel like the producers said "Shit! The episode's still going! Turn it off! Turn it off!" Eh, at least it's over.

Posted by at 7:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Weekly diaglogue, summations, speculation and theories are now being shares on the new LOST MESSAGE BOARD. Be sure to sign up to the Gasm message boards to share your thoughts on LOST or any other show GASM covers. Great chance to get to know the Gasm staff and readers a little better.

No animals were harmed in the posting of this message. But so help me, if you don't join the message boards soon....I can't promise Muffin will stay safe for much longer.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 12:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Three of us TVgasm writers live in Los Angeles. We encounter celebrities quite often. We're even friends with some of them (pause for "ooohs" and "ahhhs"). Now, in general, we try not to fire off a post every time we spot someone because honestly, that's just not the style of this blog. We only share if there's a story or a hook. With that being said, I wasn't going to write about this next encounter because a) it really has no major point; b) it's sort of one big name-droppy saga; and c) I didn't want to do another celeb story right after the Rick Fox thing. But then I started to send this as an email to someone, and I was amused so I thought, why the hell not? So please pardon me as I relay another celebrity adventure...

Last Friday I went to the Ivy for lunch (very hoity, I know). I had never been, and as I saw paparazzi lining the adjacent sidewalks, I became very excited for some glitz and glamour. Unfortunately, my dreams were quickly shattered as the first celeb I saw was none other than Ms. Star Jones, er, Star Jones Reynolds. She stood in line behind me, and at just over one foot away, her close proximity did nothing short of cause a mini vomit eruption in my mouth. Honestly, at that range, there are all sorts of things that the viewing public never gets to see. Be thankful. For one thing, her cleavage. Oh, her cleavage. You know how some women have those flat pancake breasts? The kind you see on National Geographic specials? That's what Star has. Two deflated sausage casings, and in an unwise move, she had them on display for everyone to see. To her credit, she was a lot more svelte than I thought she'd be, but man, that powder blue sweat suit was a bit too body forming for me. Just imagine a sack of flour with sunglasses and lipstick.

Anyway, as I headed into the dining room, I was cut off by none other than Christina from Laguna Beach. She's a sturdy flounder of a girl, but her presence was fleeting and therefore, I was left with nothing better to do than return my gaze to Star Jones. Honestly, fat or skinny, this woman is just ugly.

As it happened, I had a perfect view of Star from my seat. Or rather, I had a perfect view of Star's ballooning derriere. She had a decent table on the famed Ivy porch, but for some reason, she chose to move to a more high profile spot next to the picket fence. You know, right where the paparazzi could get a clean shot. Sure enough, an SUV suddenly parked across the street and out poured two or three camera men. But wait - they weren't photographing dearest Star. Their attention was elsewhere. Who could it be? Unfortunately, my obstructed view of the porch was completely undermining my ability to stare.

I sat all through lunch dying to know what celeb might be out there attracting wayward photographers away from our favorite Payless spokeswhale. Finally, the check came, and it was time to retrieve the car from the valet. As I suavely made my way through the restaurant (I had my Hollywood Cool look on), I nearly tripped off the porch as I spied Quentin Tarantino dining in the corner. So that's what the fuss was about. I let out a sigh of relief. For a moment there, Star Jones and the Laguna Beach girl had me seriously doubting this place's star wattage.

I don't know why I feel proud about seeing a celebrity. It's not like I accomplished anything beyond adding a story to my cocktail party canon. But there I was, standing at the valet, smugly happy that I would be able to demolish everyone else's stories for the day. As I watched the paparazzi (who were everywhere), the other people around the valet rolled their eyes and made dismissive comments about the scene. "So intrusive", " It's unbelievable" and "There's no privacy anymore." They then of course craned their necks to see if Tarantino was still in fact there. Some even busted out cameras and took pictures of the paparazzi. It was very meta. The best part of all this though was that for the photographers to get any decent shot of Tarantino, they had to somehow shoot over or around Star Jones, whose doughy body had inconveniently been seated in the only sight line for the cameras. Needless to say, a ladder was used.

Luckily for them, Star eventually finished her meal. As she rose to her feet like a mighty marshmallow woman, the paparazzi temporarily ignored Tarantino and descended upon her like a pack of buzzards. I guess the rule is that the cameras have to stay away until a celebrity is ready to leave. I stood at the valet and watched as she and her pack of shutterbugs slowly gravitated towards me, and suddenly I realized I was standing right in front of her limo. I was momentarily paralyzed. I wouldn't call it "star struck". More like "ugly struck". How did we let this woman into pop culture? Nevertheless, I knew I had to move because honestly, I refuse to have my obit say "Trampled by Star Jones." So at the last moment I scooted aside and watched our velour-clad legal eagle climb into a limo. I really wanted to snicker and bust out my camera phone, but instead I turned to a woman and rolled my eyes. "Ridiculous," I said, all snobby-like. Yeah, I'm cool.

Oh wait, I did bust out the camera phone. I took a picture of Tarantino's Pussy Wagon, which was prominently parked in the front of the restaurant. Not that he wanted attention or anything...

Quentin Tarantino's ride to The Ivy

Posted by at 4:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (17)

Well, it's over. The Amazing Race 6 has come to an appropriately exciting end, and while the series remains the best and most intense reality show on television, I think we're all looking forward to putting this cast of underwhelming characters behind us. I mean, did we really need so many actors, models, and trainers? Hopefully the producers learned their lesson, but considering Survivor couple Rob and Amber will be back for season 7 of the Race, I'm slightly disconcerted. We can only hope their tenure will last as long as fellow reality whore and Big Brother 4 alum Alison Irwin, who bit the dust after episode two of AR5, paving the way for a fantastic season.

But enough editorializing. Let's recap the Race!

Tonight's shenanigans began before anything had even happened. During the montage of previous episodes, Phil haughtily mocked "Adam's fear of almost everything he encountered." He then chugged a Fosters and added "Pussy."

The four remaining teams were told to grab a train to Xi'an, China (or "Zen", as Kendra called it). Jon, still frustrated from his Shanghaii taxi experiences, angrily ripped open his clue with a scowl that seemed to say "I'm only moderately rational and friendly today. Oh, who am I kidding? I love you, envelope!" Nevertheless, the two scuttled off to the train station where they learned their trip would be, ahem, 17 HOURS. I'm just hoping that everyone stocked up on deodorant and Air Wicks. Freddy and Kendra arrived at the train station and had immediate difficulties. "Where do we go in? Here?" asked Kendra as she stood in front of what was obviously NOT an entrance (it was a tall fence). The two models bickered annoyingly as Freddy zapped Kendra with his all powerful rays of blandness. Luckily, she deflected the attacks by summoning her ever potent whine shield. Man, these two are really lame. I hope they don't win the whole thing.

Back at the hotel, Adam and Rebecker faced the daunting task of raising funds for this leg of the race. Turns out horny businessmen love throwing cash at pretty girls because in no time, Rebecca had raised a small fortune. One guy even gave her $100 US. I can move to Shanghaii and beg on the streets, laughed Rebecca. Yeah, seriously, she'd probably be better off moving to Shang... uh... um... what she said. (I HATE when they steal my lines!)

Eventually, everyone wound up on the same train to Xi'an. Ice queen Hayden tried to soften up her image by playing with a baby. Unfortunately, said baby burst into horrified tears upon contact with the racer. Wow, Hayden really does bring misery and fear to everything she encounters. Flash forward to her happily picking up a bouquet of roses — only to have it promptly wilt with the sound of "Wah wah waaaah." Luckily the baby survived its encounter with Hayden and is now on sale at ChinaTots.com.

Elsewhere on the train, Adam, Rebecca, Kris, and Jon were having a grand ole time bunking in a sleeper cabin. Kris talked about being a raging bitch, to which Adam responded "You as a raging bitch is Rebecca on a good day." Everyone laughed heartily... except Rebecca. She simply shot Adam her patented "So many questions..." face. Awkward!

Seeing the need to quarantine Hayden from the children, Aaron brought his girlfriend to a window and gazed upon the Chinese countryside. "It's like Michigan," he said, referring to the cornfields whizzing by. Later he admitted that "Michigan" was his pet name for "China".

After many hours, teams arrived in Xi'an and made their way to the next route marker, the Drum Tower. Of course, it didn't open until the next morning which meant another slumber party in the street. Eventually, a small man showed up and banged a giant drum. They WOULD announce 8 AM that way. In the tower, teams received their next Detour: Spray or Scroll. The choice was to either travel far and paint a car body or search through spools of fabric for small Chinese characters. Everyone opted for "Spray" which meant hopping in a cab and going to a factory. Hayden immediately lost faith in her driver, complaining that "We're getting taken on a goose chase!" I'll just assume she meant "wild good chase" unless there actually was an errant goose waddling along on the road ahead.

Amazingly enough, Adam and Rebecca arrived at the factory first, and as they painted away, Adam let us know that he felt like Michael Keaton in Gung Ho. He then added "If only George Wendt were here, then my deepest fantasy would be complete." Rebecca meanwhile advised her partner to employ "Nice, long strokes." Giggles were had by all.

The teams had little difficulty getting through the Detour, although Aaron did chide Hayden several times for painting too thickly. He hates excessive coats of paint! Next stop on the race was the Terra Cotta Army, a major archeological find from the 1970s. As Phil explained the origins of these soldier statues, I feared our intrepid host might trip and knock one down, causing a catastrophic domino effect throughout the museum. Luckily, NimblePhil™ was in full effect, and no precious artifacts were destroyed.

We then cut back to the increasingly spastic Hayden as she zipped around like a confused Roomba. After complicating the simple process of receiving a clue at the factory, she then became the passenger from hell for many cabbies. Hayden freaked out dramatically en route to the Terra Cotta Army as she accused the driver of going the wrong way. Hey, wasn't it just a few episodes ago that Hayden claimed she was "retarded with directions"? I guess maybe she can't read directions, but when dropped into rural China, she's like a human compass. Anyway, with the driver not motoring along at the desired speed, Hayden became a rabid wolverine as she implored Adam to "Make him go! Busses are passing us!" Who else wanted one of those busses to ram this woman off the road?

Meanwhile, at the museum, the models arrived looking for their next clue. "Do we have to dig?" asked Kendra, nodding towards the Terra Cotta Army. Yes. After 7,000 years, it is now up to you, Kendra, to dig away at these archeological relics. We don't need them anymore anyway. They don't even do anything except stand there and be annoying.

Luckily, before Kendra could take a pick ax to the soldiers, the duo found their clue which directed them to Mount Hua. Jon, meanwhile, busted out the understatement of the week when he declared that there's a little language barrier between English and Chinese. I would mock Jon, but he's too nice. And besides, I'd rather conserve my energy for Hayden, who after arriving last at the museum, escalated her taxi hysteria to full scale lunacy. With fire in her eyes and fangs growing out of her gums, Hayden screeched and yelled and roared until Aaron, in exasperation, simply yanked her out of the cab in the middle of nowhere. I was hoping he'd clasp her by the shoulders and shake her, maybe adding "My dear woman, what's gotten into you?" And then there could be three or four exaggerated slaps back and forth, followed by the sudden appearance of a British cop wielding a billy club who would say "Nigel Bartlesby! What on Earth are you doing?" And I'll just stop this now before I completely turn this into a BBC America comedy.

Over at Mount Hua, Freddy and Kendra rose to the top of the mountain with the help of a merry gondola. "I feel like Charlie and the Choccolate Factory," gushed Kendra as she looked out the window. It wasn't the strongest analogy considering the moment lacked chocolate and a factory, but to her credit, she does say it every time she ascends to any noteworthy altitude. Oddly enough, when visited the Hershey's factory a few years ago, she said it was like riding a gondola in China. Go figure.

Already at the top of the mountain were Adam and Rebecca, who seemed to be living out their very own Cliffhanger movie. "Jump!" urged Rebecca to Adam as he climbed down from a ledge. And with that, he threw caution to the wind and jumped to safety. Sadly, this wasn't very dramatic since it was only an 18 inch jump at best. Still, considering his previous jump of six inches warranted an "I love you mom!", Adam seems to have made remarkable progress.

So what was actually at the top of this mountain? Why, the Roadblock, of course! Teammates were given a key and told to find the corresponding padlock amidst three thousand others. Okay, that's just cruel. And awesome. Rebecca adopted a very wise attitude to the process, remarking "I have to be very zen-like." Cut to five seconds later as she yelled "OPEN! OPEN! OPEN!" Unfortunately, the locks did not speak English and remained shut. As for Kendra, she tried to keep a positive outlook on the entire situation by testing out some of her well-received humor. "Some of these locks are from the year 2," she joked as a rimshot went off in the background. I'm surprised we didn't see a shot of Freddy doubled over with laughter, just barely wheezing out "Honey, I swear, you could write for Jay Leno."

Meanwhile, at the bottom of the mountain, Hayden continued her maelstrom of bitchiness as she navigated through a self-imposed maze of shuttle tickets and mountain entrance fees. Somehow she managed to get on the wrong shuttle and have the wrong ticket about twelve different times, ultimately causing Aaron to fling his backpack across the lot. While he picked up his personal items, Hayden berated the locals for having the nerve — THE NERVE — to not speak English in their own country. They are awful little people!

Well, the two finally reached the Roadblock after a brief ride in the gondola (or GON-DOLE-AAH, as Hayden is fond of calling it). Ever the basketcase, Hayden jammed her key into a padlock and ultimately broke it in her ill-advised attempts to pry it out. Okay, let's try some Padlock/Foxworthy humor. If a key don't fit in a lock, chances are it's not a match. If you have to force a key into a lock, chances are it's not a match. And if you've broken your key because you were too dumb to realize it didn't fit in the lock in the first place, chances are you're a complete moron. Hey, that was fun. Maybe I can get a show on the WB.

Kris and Jon opened their lock first and made their way to the Pit Stop back in Xi'an. As usual, they won another trip to Mexico or wherever. Freddy and Kendra placed a happy second. "My only promise was final three," said Freddy, adding "I will now fail you the rest of the way." Ah, if only that were true...

Up on the mountain, Rebecker and Hayden nearly lost their sanity sorting through the locks (Hayden received a replacement key). With fingers bloody, blistered, and numb, Hayden finally threw in the towel as she and Aaron resolved to take the four hour penalty. Then just as the two dating/actors rose to leave, Rebecca called out triumphantly, "Got it!" Wow. That could not have been planned any better. Part of me wondered if she simply held off until the right moment, just so she could piss off Hayden. Nevertheless, with salt rubbed in their wounds, Hayden and Aaron sadly joined Adam and Rebecca on their trek back to Phil.

Will you marry/stop being bitchy to me?

Mr. Koegan looked terminally bored at the Pit Stop as he eliminated the actors, but then the darndest thing happened. Aaron got down on one knee and proposed to Hayden. The former she-dragon melted into a joyous, emotional wreck as the tender scene unfolded, and even Phil had to break out into a polite smile. Adam, meanwhile, looked more horrified than happy. "Do I have to ask Rebecca to marry me? I know she's my beard and all, but this is ridiculous!" He then rolled his eyes and made a Z with air snaps.

BoredPhil™	HappyPhil™

After the Pit Stop, teams were told to catch a plane to Hawaii for the last leg of the race. That's right. This was the final sprint to the big prize. With $1 million on the line, Kendra decided to get down and dirty. "We're not gonna be the nice, sweet people we've been," she warned, kicking the Ethiopian child she had adopted to the curb. She's right though. They have been awfully nice and sweet - like that time when Kendra accused Senegal of being wretched and prone to over-breeding. Or that time when Freddy threatened to beat someone up because a gate fell on his head. I mean, these guys are so nice, I'm surprised they don't have their own line of Hallmark cards.

Anyway, teams all battled the language barrier yet again as they snagged cabs to the airport. Rebecca had some fun with the situation by telling her driver that Adam had three testicles (you can find the irony yourself). The cabbie simply smiled and waved as Rebecca laughed. Later that night, when the driver's wife asked how his day was, he responded "Oh, the usual. Dumb Americans who think I don't speak English. Got the old 'three testicle joke' again. Anyway, pass the Chinese food. Or as we call it, food." Meanwhile, in the models' cab, Freddy lamented that "There's always a bicyclist in front of us." Interestingly enough, we then cut to a bicyclist who complained "There's always dumb models behind me."

From Xi'an International, teams flew to their various layover cities en route to Honolulu. In Osaka, Freddy, Kendra, Adam, and Rebecca came face to face with a Meal Nazi regime. The models tried to bump up their tickets to an earlier flight, and while there were seats available, the flight had no meals. NO MEALS. The horror! As a result, the team was banned from the flight, lest they travel hungry and discomforted. Kendra tried her best to woo over the icy ticketing desk by crying "I have a sick child in Honolulu!" but I think all that did was stir up deep cultural resentment from the airline guy. "You have left your child unattended? The family bond is sacred! The ancestors will think unfavorably upon this. No ticket for you!" Actually, the man was much more polite as he simply said "Don't cry. Don't cry." Ultimately, the two were left with nothing else to do but sit around and maybe nosh on some sushi, or as Kendra calls it, Chinese food.

In a similar situation were Adam and Rebecca who were also denied an earlier flight because no meals were available for them. Man, Osaka is harsh! As the plane took off without them, Adam lectured the ticketing agent by saying "You're really mean. Really mean. You're mean. And cold." He then said "mean" a few more times, added a "poopyhead", "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!", and ended with "I want my mommy."

Eventually, everyone made it to Honolulu (although Adam and Rebecca lagged a good two hours behind everyone else). Teams quickly came upon the Detour which had teams either paddling two miles up a river or searching a clothes rack for an ensemble. Surprisingly enough, Jon and Kris opted to skip the brute force option because... it was going to maybe rain? Jon, you're awesome, but that's a lame excuse. Luckily, the big oaf proved all us naysayers wrong by zooming through the Detour at super speeds — and with super smiles. Even the overseeing manager couldn't help but grin widely at the two lovebirds poking around his factory. His demeanor turned angry, however, as Kris and Jon each walked off with a Hawaiian ensemble. "I'd like to report a shoplifting," the manager said on the phone before melting into a smile and adding, "A shoplifting of my heart."

The models meanwhile paddled an outrigger up a two mile course. Kendra accidentally splashed her fiancé, much to his chagrin. I'm surprised he didn't yell "Whoever splashed me, I will break you. I will BREAK— oh, it's just you. Never mind."

After the Detour, teams made their way to a local airport where the Roadblock instructed them to skydive onto a sandbar. Jon, of course, was amped as he placed his parachute over his Hawaiian shirt. Freddy meanwhile babbled about how exciting his first day in Hawaii was. I feared he would bore his tandem instructor into some sort of catatonic state, resulting in tragedy from upon high. Last to reach the Roadblock was Adam, who when falling from the sky sounds amazingly like Dame Edna being shot out of a cannon.

With the final Roadblock completed, teams then returned to Chicago for the final sprint to the finish. Freddy and Kendra snagged the earliest arriving flight, giving them a huge advantage. I became momentarily optimistic that they'd be thwarted when the next clue directed them to Gino's Pizza. One last eating challenge to level the playing field? Yes. But unfortunately this was the rare normal-sized eating obstacle. Teammates only had to eat two slices each. Yes, I know it was Chicago deep dish pizza, but compared to a pound of caviar, a giant ostrich omelette, and a huge bowl of Hungarian soup, this was like chump change. Of course, the teams didn't know that as they traveled to the restaurant. "What if it's the size of a table," pondered Kendra.

"Then we'll vomit and keep eating," responded Freddy.

"YES!" exclaimed Kendra with surprising enthusiasm. Sometimes we forget that she's a "model". Yay bulimia! Luckily, she did not disappoint as she gagged and burped at the table. You know that Freddy was secretly wishing she'd boot in the deep dish, if only to achieve cosmic justice. I'm surprised he didn't egg her on with "Wow, look at the nasty vomit over there. Just kidding. But seriously, try not to think about vomiting, you ole vomit-head."

Freddy and Kendra finished up their pizza just as Kris and Jon arrived (as evidenced by a patented AR slow-mo shot). A knot formed in my stomach as it became obvious that Frendra would be the clear frontrunners for the big prize. Luckily, while Kris and Jon munched on some Chicago deep dish, the models found the one taxi service that couldn't find the next route marker - aka the finish line. Flustered, Freddy ran up to some cops and asked them to lead the way to Ping Tong park, or whatever it was called. He then had the balls to say "It's an emergency!" Um, "emergency" to a cop does not mean "gotta help a random dude win $1 million". Wow, this guy is a major idiot. Maybe he tripped one too many times on the L.L. Bean runway. Luckily Kendra had some wits about her as she pulled her dim-bulb fiancé away from a potential beating.

Meanwhile, Kris and Jon consumed their pizza and left the restaurant. As the two crammed their way through a revolving door, I couldn't help wondering "Wow, they do everything together." Of course, they stepped into a cab that, according to the editing, knew exactly where the park was.

Rebecca and Adam arrived last at the pizza parlor and were immediately high maintenance. "Do you have any soy cheese?" asked Rebecker. Man, they're really L.A. Amazingly, with the race on the line (theoretically. They were so far behind it wasn't even an issue), Adam managed to freak out over this task because it involved tomatoes. "I don't eat tomatoes," he insisted. Somehow though Rebecca got him to eat the dastardly food. Not sure how she did it exactly, but I think it went something like "Just pretend it's a penis."

In the end, it was a near photo finish between the models and the lovebirds. Unfortunately, a random freight train blocked Kris and Jon at the worst possible moment, and the models nabbed first place. Dammit! Well, in all fairness, midway through Phil's final interview, we could suddenly hear the train passing, which meant Kris and Jon were about five minutes behind (and therefore the train did not prevent them from getting first place). Nevertheless, the two had a sweet moment by the tracks as they hugged and kissed. Later, they actually seemed to be happy that Freddy and Kendra had won. Man, they're so ni-- no, I won't say it again. I swear... They're so nice! Sorry, couldn't help it.

Anyway, Rebecca and Adam arrived third, and as we gazed upon the fallen teams, I couldn't help wondering "Why does Jonathan have such massive, hairy armpits? And why is he still trying to steal the spotlight?" Later, Freddy and Kendra reveled in their newfound riches, noting that they're really the perfect people for each other. Yes, they are. Bland, annoying, and dumb. Two peas in a pod. Or at least two saltines on a cheese spread.

The show ended with a rousing preview of next season (three weeks away) and a commercial for the Grammys. I wouldn't normally mention that except I found it odd that as the announcer promised a tribute to the tsunami victims, CBS played "How Far Is Heaven" by Los Lonely Boys in the background. Uncomfortable...

What did you think of this finale? Did Freddy and Kendra deserve it? Are Kris and Jon not the best reality couple of all time?

Posted by at 1:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (56)

Avid, TvGasm reader and Hollywood insider "A.A.", had a small celebrity sighting with Verne "Mini Me" Troyer at one of the hollywood television studio lots today. Though the small statured star was enroute to a meeting and unable to oblige to a fan seeking a photo, he did leave his famously pee'd on scooter unattended and available for this paparazzi shot.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 2:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

The Apprentice's Cruela Deville, when not killing puppies and plucking a draq queen shape into her eyebrows, berates complete strangers and insults old men who drive lesser cars than hers. In a recently stolen webcast video on a Kristen Kirchner fan site, Kristen refers to herself has a "hot chick", bashes Los Angeles, and tells a complete stranger to "move his f-cking piece of shit car."

Telling tales of reality contestants being douche-bags really isn't news worthy, but when there is "stolen video footage" attached to the headline, well it just sounds sexier.

Follow the link and check it out.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 10:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

So I promise not to start this review of the latest episode of 24 by imploring readers to watch the show, but I think since I already mentioned I wasn't going to do it, it sort of is a mention. Whatever. There is too much in the show to worry about the semantics of an intro. Not when Jack Bauer is trying to save the United States from a Chernobyl-ish disaster. Especially when that disaster might happen six times in one day. And how is he going to do all of this when the great folks in CTU human resources managed to let yet another mole inside to stir shit up?

It is now pretty much a foregone conclusion that CTU is not going to be able to deactivate any of the remaining vulnerable nuclear facilities through the magic of Edgar Stiles. Some of you may wonder why the DOD simply orders up another override device to get back into control. As it turns out, the terrorists stole the only prototype. In order to save the lives of as many people as possible, somebody was going to have to find the device that was currently in existence, and put a stop to whoever was in control. Oh Jack, how we do love thee.

When Jack was ambushed, he realized that there must be somebody on the inside that was leaking information on their operations. Thefore, Jack must call the second person that he trusts, and the only person currently inside of CTU that fits that description is his Secretary Heller. Good thing Jack is having sex with his daughter, or else he might be ignored. He fills Secretary Heller in on the details of what happened, and tells him that they are going to lay low for awhile until the heat is off of them. Luckily, Tony Almeida is in the car, and he has no problem with Jack crashing at his house.

Knowing that there is only a remote chance that there won't be any problems at the nuclear plants, the president decides that he must evacuate all of the cities. There is no George Mason around this time to suicide our way out of a nuclear holocaust, so this seems like a good move.

What the president doesn't know is that things aren't going so well for the terrorists. They almost had the greatest webcast ever, and while any nuclear disaster is a victory for them, six is much less than the hundred or so plants that might have melted down. The terrorists have their own sort of distraction, namely free thinking women and children running around, totally disrespectful as to what their proper role in a plot to murder millions of people should be. Navi says that his wife and son will be dead before the day is over.

At CTU, Marianne is starting to get a little nervous. She could easily fool the idiots in CTU for a long time, but all of these DOD jokers are starting to hang around close, maybe a little too close. She makes a phone call from the bathroom to talk to her "handler" so to speak. Marianne basically says that she did her part relaying Jack's location, and it was time for her to get out. Her boss lets her know that she will be taken care of in due time. Notice that he didn't say "we will get you out", only "you will be taken care of". Before Marianne gets a clarification, Sarah walks in and makes it known she is being missed.

Heller wasted no time in smoking out the mole. He had his own guys set up surveillance while he planted a fake story about Jack moving to another CTU location in Culver City. It's probably right next to the bunker the government runs to keep an eye on the MTV Movie Awards. Like any good mole, Marianne took the bait, and relayed the message. Not soon afterwards, the mole is discovered. Driscoll decides that there is no time to wait, and that she must use any means necessary to get the information out of her. She orders Sarah to an interrogation room right away.

Yes, you heard me. Sarah. Obviously Marianne was smart enough to spoof somebody else's account so it would look like she had nothing to do with it. Marianne picked to blame Sarah, and it seemed to work with no fuss. Edgar was asking a few two many questions, but if she hasn't had enough time to poison the Krispy Kremes in Edgar's desk up until that point, you know that Edgar is going to be around for the long haul

We have seen torture being used early on a terrorists. Jack shot his leg and got the information he needed. They tried to torture Richard Heller, but it turned out he probably was nervous because he didn't wipe his ass, not because he is some criminal mastermind. Two out of three ain't bad, right? Driscoll decides to handle this interrogation herself, and Sarah's motivation is in the form of a stun gun being used on her neck. Sarah insists that she has done nothing wrong, and we know she is right, but Driscoll didn't want to underinterrogate anybody. That would have been a real crime. It turns out Driscoll might have been a little apprehensive. She leaves the room, asks Heller how sure he is of the data, and indicates that she doesn't believe that Sarah fits the profile.

Imagine that, somebody at CTU is thinking about what the profile for the mole might be. Let us sit back and speculate for a little bit. The mole is probably fairly new to his/her position, or at least hasn't established very man credentials, is deceptive with their relationships with others, is often missing from their desk, and probably isn't very friendly with the rest of the staff. In other words, how in the hell can your ivestigation of the mole not start with all of the consultants and contractors they have been using to get the work done? That is the wacky world of CTU.

While the moles were being smoked out at the office, Jack and Audrey arrive at Tony's house to use his computer. Tony has had a tough time since we left him last year. We all remember that he went to jail in order to save his wife Michelle. Jack and President Palmer were able to get him out of jail, but Michelle left him anyway. He is now a drunk slob who spends the better parts of his day drinking beer out of a Chicago Cubs mug watching soccer, er, futból, on Telemundo. He does, however, find time to keep his soul patch trimmed perfectly.

When they arrive at Tony's house (in one of the finest subdivisions North Hollywood has to offer), Jack is checking the place out. Although he trusts Tony, I guess he just has this thing about doing a SWAT team style sweep of every residence he enters. It must have been all of those times he has been ambushed over the years. That's why there was no surprise when he pulled his gun on the random girl walking out of Tony's bedroom. The girl's name is Jen, and she looks sort of like a hooker. Then we remember that we are in the Valley and she works at a bar, so her skankiness is explained on two different levels. She kind of freaks out, but then decides she'll just go to work. This apparently is no good, because she might talk. With all of the drinking these devout Muslims do, they can't take any chances on a bartender accidentally saying he met the kidnapped daughter of the Secretary of Defense after her crazy boyfriend brought them back to his place. Jen is not so happy, because she'll lose her job. Uhh, it's 2:30, you work at a bar, I am sure you can come up with some sort of story that will placate your boss. Just in case that is not the case, Audrey says that she will help her out. Why should Jen trust Audrey? "Because I can have him killed". Come on, isn't that a little extreme? It's not like she and Tony have any real future together.

Jen stops freaking out, and Jack decides to go over the surveillance video that he managed to store on a flash drive before the gunmen shot up place. Well, Tony has a computer (what a geek, running KDE) and Jack has the video, but they will need some software. Luckily Tony says "Oh I've got some software", and starts rummaging around in some shelves. Score another few points for the security measures of screening the CTU staff. Tony went to jail for crimes against the government, but somehow managed to sneak off with some CTU surveillance video programs? Did they hire the rejected baggage screeners from LAX and put them to work? I don't get this.

Jack finally gets the video back, gets a picture of the person Audrey recognized, and decides to call into the home office. The problem is that Jen is on the phone line! What a bitch. They just offered to kill your boss, and you can't be quiet for a like 30 minutes? Go paint your nails or something. Or Jack could just use his cell phone, like he does in every other minute of the show. But Tony must have a really secure line, since he is just *loved* by all of the government agencies around. Jack finally makes the call, sends the picture, and patiently waits for the results. While he's got some time on his hands, you would think he might take a leak, maybe grab the left over Kung Pao in the fridge, splash a little water on his face. You know, things that people do when they have been up all day thwarting terrorism and all of a sudden have a few dead minutes on their hands. Hell, even Audrey grabbed a beer. Not Jack, he decides he is going to do a little bit of an intervention with Tony. Non confrontational, be his friend, tell him that he can help. Tony falls for none of this shit and tells Jack that he should just go about his business and get out.

Behrooz and his mother have spent some time looking for a hospital. Dina didn't want to go, but her son insisted that they go. Turns out that Dina has quite the nasty gash on her arm. In order not to throw any suspicion on themselves, they say that she backed into a fence. She just needs some medicine and some stitches. The doctor is not buying it, of course, and has a nurse call the police while he prepares to suture her closed. Just as the novacaine is going in, Behrooz notices some police officers and tells his mom they must go. He grabs some medicine and bandages (conveniently left out on a table and not some annoying supply room where there would be trouble getting at it), and they leave, just before the cops are about to come in for questioning. Looks like Navi isn't doing so good with that whole "I am going to kill all of my family" plan. But in all seriousness, haven't Dina or Behrooz watched ANY movies? Don't they know that if you have a gun shot and don't want police involvement, you search out a shady veterinarian? That could have helped them a lot.

The word is finally out on who the mystery man is. Marcy in DC tells Jack that it is Henry Powell. Jack gets this information to Heller at CTU, who tells him they have found the mole and that he is going to send a Secret Service detail to pick him up. Powell was able to pull some strings and has a helicopter waiting for him in Van Nuys. As the Secret Service gets there, Jack sends Audrey back to CTU, and prepares to find Powell himself. Just when we thought Tony was devoid of all feeling, he says that Jack can't do it alone, and he is going to help. Let's be honest, it is probably the most fun he has had outside of his house in months, and he does get to shoot a lot of people with no questions asked.

Back at CTU, people are happy to be back to normal, but one person has faith that Sarah might not have done it. (With a name like Sarah, how could you be an evil traitor?) That person is our favorite fat man genius with a lisp - Edgar Styles. Edgar has always been kind of wary of Marianne and now he has a plan that might just clear Sarah's name. He tells Marianne he is going to give her some more security clearance, but uses that as a way to open up a socket or pipeline, or whatever the CTU tech word of the day is, and gain access to her computer. He discovers the evidence that she did in fact spoof the data transmission.

Edgar's not the smoothest guy, and so Marianne notices that he is looking over at her station all of the time. She says that if he doesn't stop, she is going to go to Driscoll with the information. Marianne should know that she can't cry wolf like that when threatening Edgar, because eventually he will get some balls and do something. That moment appeared, and Edgar asked Curtis to accompany him to Driscoll's office. He laid out his evidence to the both of them, and they decided to take Marianne in. Oh yes, and they probably made another call to, you know, stop Sarah's torture. That girl is going to have one hell of a worker's comp claim to file; she had to be taken out in a wheelchair. I wonder if Driscoll would try some of that shock therapy on her own daughter?

Marianne is not going down easily, and makes a break for it. Every other year I have been watching 24, there is no way to easily leave CTU. You always have to leave through a bunch of security, then go through the garage. Not anymore, Marianne runs down a hallway, and then takes an emergency exit outside. She is just about to get into her car when Curtis apprehends her (I should also take this time to mention Aisha Tyler looks great in her business attire, and has a great rack). He cuffs her and then takes her in, telling some lackey to search her car for evidence. That was a bad move. I guess when Powell was telling Marianne she would be taken care of, he wasn't kidding. One turn of the key, and a car bomb exploded, killing the random CTU lackey and knocking Aisha Tyler out. Now that her bosses tried to kill her, maybe they won't have to torture her as much to get some answers.

Posted by at 8:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

[by Jaded Bitch]

Now that it's down to the nitty gritty, it's time we re-examine the candidates. First there's Wendell, a 32-yo entrepreneur from Chicago. Jen keeps saying how good he looks on paper, but in reality, there is just no spark. Second up is Jerry, who is hot and who may be a total player player, judging from the expose that TVGasm did on him (he's a reality tv rerun). Jen is smitten with him, but is it purely lust? Third is John Paul, the 25yo who is allegedly mature beyond his years. Readers of this column have noted his hairy upper lip and have made several requests to shave it off. Finally, there's Ryan, the teacher from Oregon. The two kinda hit it off, but seeing as Jen's got the personality of a brick wall, it'd be hard pressed for any of these men to make any sort of connection. But, one can always hope.

This episode was all about visiting the men's hometowns. We first dropped in on John Paul in Oklahoma where he presented her with a pair of cowboy boots to match his own! Good thing she's not allergic to horses (paging Trista Rehn!), cause she's in the country now! We were introduced to John Paul's family: Susie his mom, Paul his dad, and his two younger brothers Jake Ryan and Jeffrey Connelley. We then met his dog Trevor Ashton McDonaldson the Third and his cat Mitsy.

His mother and Jen hit it off right away since they were both cheerleaders in a former life. I waited patiently for the pom-poms to make their way out of the attic and onto the front lawn, but no such luck. I then tried to figure out who exactly did John Paul inherit his hairy upper lip from, his mother or father. Failing this, I chalked it up to a mutant growth on his part. Susie exclaimed to Jen, "When you gonna get married? I wanna have babies!" Considering she already has five boys, one can only hope she meant grand-children, and not babies of her own. Or perhaps she had twenty more names picked out that she had yet to use.

The pair bid adieu to his family, while his two younger brothers impatiently eyed the X-Box in the corner while giving Jen a courtesy hug. They then went over to John Paul's house, which is when I sprayed my screen with my soda as I screamed, "WTF! He's 25 and he owns his own house!!" It was a pretty nice house too. Now maybe if I had a hairy upper lip...

Check out that upper lip action!

The next date was in Medford, Oregon. *insert crickets here* This was home to Ryan, who took Jen skating the moment she touched down. We then met his family, which consisted of parents Scott and Barbra, and sister Mackenzie. The 'rents launched into a promotional speech for Thailand, describing their recent visit. Poor Jen looked so bored as she tried to comprehend a topic that did NOT revolve around her or cheerleading. She later whined to the camera that all the parents talked about was Thailand and didn't focus enough on HER. It did get a bit much though, when they continued their vacation talk at the dinner table about Thai food and Thai traditions. But when they brought out the little Thai boy they smuggled home, I drew the line!

Later, it was a journey to the bathroom to sign the wall. Ryan's mother apparently wallpapered the bathroom with blank paper in order to have every visitor to the house go in and autograph it. A week later Firefighter Matt showed up in Medford and asked to use said bathroom. Moments after his departure, while taking a dump, Ryan's mother would discover that Jen's recently autographed parchment had been ripped from the walls. Meanwhile, Firefighter Matt ran down the street grunting, "Have to...get...more...autographs..."

Okay, see this dead horse? Let me just beat on it a little bit more.

Chicago was next on Jen's Farewell Tour, where she was to have a playdate with Wendell. He greeted her at the door of his apartment, only to pull out a bouquet of flowers from his ass! No wonder he seemed so uptight. After watching this show for what seems like eons now, I have finally figured out Wendell's accent! It sounds a bit New York/Boston with a little bit of Brooklyn thrown in there. But alas, those are all incorrect! What Wendell has is known as The Drunk Accent! He talks like he's slurring! And then there's his family... The House of Wendell consisted of Judy the Drunk Mom, Wendy the Drunk Sister, Danny the Drunk Brother, Sarah the other Drunk Sister, and Jeff the Drunk Brother-In-Law.

Danny broke his wine glass right in his hands, he was so excited. In fact, the whole family was so excited and had been drinking since noon. The mother and sisters dragged Jen into the kitchen where they proceeded to bash Andrew Firestone. "I never liked him! And I watched!" claimed the mother, right before she asked Jen for an autograph. The entire family was all smiles, all night long. I haven't seen so many pearly whites since last week's episode of The Amazing Race! Then again, if I were drunk all the time, I'd be smiling too. When Jen left, the family slurred out their advice to young Wendell, telling him they weren't sure about her and that they couldn't see much of a spark between the two. Basically, what the viewers have known all along.

Finally, the last stop was in Rochester, New York, where Jen met up with Jerry at his old high school, a place he frequents every Friday night to pick up girls. He talked nervously about his family and revealed to us that his mother was deaf. Suddenly making fun of Jerry wasn't fun anymore. Did your heart melt? I know mine did - just a smidgen.

A power outage hit town but that didn't stop the two from meeting his brother Mike, sister-in-law Christine, sister Linda, and deaf mother Paula. The evening was relatively quiet, with Jen communicating with Jerry's mom, seeing pictures of Jerry as a child, and your basic blackout evening at home. Watching Jerry sign = HOT. It showed he was more than just a reality TV whore, more than a Harry Winston doorman, and more than a player player. This shows us not to judge people without even knowing them.

Now, on to judging people based on what they wear. At the Rose Ceremony, fashion victim/repeat offender John Paul once again arrived in an outfit that made my television turn itself off. He was by far the worst dressed out of the four (and this doesn't include host Chris Harrison's vomit-inispired tie). John Paul was decked in a brown suit that resembles my toilet after too much dairy, with a non-matching checkered shirt and a hairy upper lip. At least there were no sockless loafers this time round. Somebody book him a spot on What Not To Wear!

Receiving roses this evening were: John Paul (I guess there's something about that upper lip that tickles Jen's fancy; either that or she really digs his ankles) and Jerry (who looked like a nervous doorman until he received a rose). It was a toss-up in the end between Wendell and Ryan. Let's see...alcoholics or Thailand enthusiasts? Who would be the ideal in-laws?

Thailand it is!! Jen gave Ryan a rose, and then sent Wendell packing, but not before delivering that Friend speech. You know the one. Wendell sure did, acting like he'd heard it a million times over. In the end, he went home to his family where they cracked open a six-pack and slurred Jen-insults all night.

The bloopers at the end consisted of more drunken talk with Wendell and co. Personally, I would've preferred Ryan's parents' Thailand slideshow. Next week is the "intimate, overnight date" episode, and a promise of a "surprise" at the Rose Ceremony. If it's anything as un-surprising as Fabrice taking himself out of the competition at last week's so-called dramatic ceremony, then count me in!

Posted by at 12:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)

It's that time of year again. The Academy Awards. The best of the best of Hollywood Gather at the Kodak Theater to recognize the achievements in all things relating to motion pictures. As for the rest of us, we simply try to sneak into good parties that have free booze. TVgasm hopes to liveblog this year's Awards (which take place Sunday, February 27th), but liveblogging is no fun if there is no speculation before hand. Normally that speculation is good for nothing other than bragging rights, but this year the Official Site of the 77th Academy Awards is sponsoring a "Predict the Winners" giveaway. Yes, you have to sign up for an ABC.com account, but you do have the chance to win plasma TV, so maybe it's worth it. If you are unsure who to pick for your winners, the TVgasm writers give you a little bit of help after the jump.

Best Picture The Aviator, Finding Neverland, Million Dollar Baby, Ray, Sideways

B-Side - Who Should Win: Million Dollar Baby, Who Will Win: The Aviator. Okay, let's settle something. The Aviator is junk. It really is. The movie is nearly three hours long, but it feels like six. Just because Scorsese and Miramax are behind this epic doesn't mean it's any good. As for Sideways, maybe if I were a repressed 47 year old whose dreams of spending a civilized week in wine country will only be realized by Paul Giamatti, then maybe I might vote for this movie. But since I haven't bought a corvette and an earring, I'm putting my endorsement behind Million Dollar Baby, which was, by the way, amazing. Cut to me trying to maintain composure for five minutes in the theater lobby.

madeyoulaugh - Finding Neverland (should win), The Aviator (will win)

m_ruv - The Aviator. Oscar voters LOVE films with lengthy people-peeing-in-jars interludes.

J-Unit - Although it loathes me to say so, The Aviator will win. I just don't get how you can make such an incomplete biography. Maybe the special edition DVD will show how Howard spent the last 15-20 years of his life - hooked on pain killers and holed up in Vegas. Now that is a story I would be interested in.

Best Director Martin scorsese (The Aviator), Clint Eastwood (Million Dollar Baby), Taylor Hackford (Ray), Alexander Payne (Sideways), Mike Leigh (Vera Drake)

B-side - Who Should Win: Clint Eastwood, Who Will Win: Martin Scorsese. Well, Martin Scorsese hasn't won before, but who cares? All flash and no substance does not warrant a statue, despite what Harvey Weinstein has to say about that. Alexander Payne did a nice job, but once again, I'm siding with Clint Eastwood in Million Dollar Baby -- a totally understated but evocative piece of work.

madeyoulaugh - Clint Eastwood(should win), Taylor Hackford(will win)

m_ruv - Martin Scorsese. The academy's been waiting to shoot this load for quite some time now, so get some big, big towels.

J-Unit - Mystic River got totally jobbed last year, and Clint Eastwood is going to have to suffer two years in a row of losing the award he deserves to win. Martin scorsese will win and with his conscience finally clean, will go on to make more of the movies he always wanted to. He'll start with Casino 2 and the First Temptation of Christ.

Best Actor Don Cheadle (Hotel Rwanda), Johnny Depp (Finding Neverland), Leonardo Dicaprio (The Aviator), Clint Eastwood (Million Dollar Baby), Jamie Foxx (Ray)

B-side - Who Will/Should Win: Jamie Foxx I didn't see Ray. But I'm not even going to try to be contrarian about it. Give Jamie Foxx the Oscar. Still, props to Clint Eastwood. Anti-props to Leonardo DiCaprio for sounding too much like Will Forte's impersonation of George Bush.

madeyoulaugh - Johnny Depp (should win), Jamie Foxx (will win)

m_ruv - Jamie Foxx. Yay blindness and heroin!

J-Unit - Ray is too much of a feel good story and Jamie Foxx so thoroughly defined the character, that it will be a huge upset if he loses.

Best Actress Annette Bening (Being Julia), Catalina Sandina Moreno (Maria Full Of Grace), Imelda Staunton (Vera Drake), Hilary Swank (Million Dollar Baby), Kate Winslet (Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind)

B-side - Who Should Win: Hilary Swank, Who Will Win: Hilary Swank. I don't know why everyone is jizzing over Annette Bening. Then again, I haven't seen the movie. I like to talk out of my ass. I vote for Hilary Swank.

madeyoulaugh - Hilary Swank(will win), Kate Winslet (Should win)

m_ruv - Hilary Swank. Though Annette was gracious when Hilary beat her in 1999, she's a shrew at heart, so I'm predicting a live-TV meltdown.

J-Unit - Of course it's Hilary Swank. Hot women who play tough, mannish characters never lose. Witness: Hilary Swank (Boys Don't Cry) and Charlize Theron (Monster).

Best Supporting Actor Alan Alda (The Aviator), Thomas Haden Church (Sideways), Jamie Foxx (Collateral), Morgan Freeman (Million Dollar Baby), Clive Owen (Closer)

B-side - Who Should Win: Thomas Hayden Church, Who Will Win: Clive Owen. Not feeling so excited by this category. Alan Alda was solid in The Aviator, but his performance was a little overrated. Morgan Freeman was fantastic in a quiet role, but Thomas Hayden Church was the real surprise. Then again, the Academy never met a Brit it couldn't reward (paging Jim Broadbent. Wait, who?). Maybe Clive Owen will steal the show.

madeyoulaugh - Alan Alda (should win), Morgan Freeman (could win), Clive Owen (probably will win)

m_ruv - Morgan Freeman. If anything, he should get it just for being the world's only black guy with freckles.

J-Unit - Alan Alda will be the forgotten performance among the hype that is the Aviator. Thomas Haden Church will win because Paul Giomatti got looked over.

Best Supporting Actress Cate Blanchett (The Aviator), Laura Linney (Kinsey), Virginia Madsen (Sideways), Sophie Okonedo (Hotel Rwanda), Natalie Portman (Closer)

B-side - Who Should Win: somebody, Who Will Win: Cate Blanchett. Hmmm... This category is kind of a toss up. I sort of don't care about any of these actresses. The usually solid Cate Blanchett was about a hair away from being a drag queen in The Aviator; so I guess that will pass as "a revelation". Virginia Madsen is fairly overrated, but let's give her the Oscar anyway, if only to reward her previously overlooked work in "Zombie High" and "Candyman".

madeyoulaugh - Virginia Madsen (will win), Sophie Okonedo(should win), Natalie Portman(mmmmmmm)

m_ruv - Cate Blanchett. I wonder whether they'll pronounce it BLANchett or blanCHETT. Make up your GODDAMN MIND.

J-Unit - Supporting Actress is where the Academy likes to get all crazy (remember when Mira Sorvino won?). I like Laura Linney in this category, and maybe people will stop mistaking he for Holly Hunter when she wins.

Best Original Screenplay The Aviator (John Logan), Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind (Charlie Kaufman, Michel Gondry, Pierre Bismuth), Hotel Rwanda (Terry George, Keir Pearson), The Incredibles (Brad Bird), Vera Drake (Mike Leigh)

B-side - Who Should Win: Charlie Kauffman, Who Will Win: John Logan (The Aviator). I was not in the camp that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was amazing, but hell, the screenplay is. That any human can direct us through such a labyrinth of dream sequences is outstanding. If Aviator wins, I might just punch someone. Or at least sneer passive-aggressively at the TV.

madeyoulaugh - All deserving. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind(but this should and I hope does win), Hotel Rwanda, The Incredibles

J-Unit - These writing categories are something I always have no clue on. I enjoyed Eternal Sunshine Of the Spotless Mind and think it will win.

Best Adapted Screenplay Before Sunset (Richard Linklater, Kim Krizan, Julie Delpy, Ethan Hawke), Finding Neverland (David Magee), Million Dollar Baby (Paul Haggis), The Motorcylce Diaries (Jose Rivera), Sideways (Alexander Payne, Jim Taylor)

B-side - Who Should Win: Paul Haggis (Million Dollar Baby), Who Will Win: Alexander Payne & Jim Taylor (Sideways). This will be Sideways' consolation prize, and you know, I wouldn't be too upset by that. Alexander Payne is a talented writer. It's not his fault that his film became ridiculously overhyped. But if it were my choice, I'd go for Million Dollar Baby.

madeyoulaugh - Finding Neverland (should win), Million Dollar Baby(will win)

J-Unit - Never undersestimate how much this town loves communists. The Motorcycle Diaries wins.

Best Animated Feature - The Incredibles, Shark Tale, Shrek 2

B-Side - The Incredibles deserves to win Best Animated Film, and in my book, the movie was cruelly overlooked in the Best Picture race.

madeyoulaugh - The Incredibles (should win)(will win)

m_ruv - The Incredibles. Anything featuring the folksy yet perspicacious voice talent of Craig T. Nelson is a winner in my book.

J-Unit - The Incredibles is going to win, but if The Aviator and scorsese are shut out, maybe the Academy will have pity and gives this to Shark Tale as sort of a tertiary consolation.

As you may notice, our list is not complete. We left off a few categories, but if we told you all of the winners, it wouldn't make the game any fun, right? If you don't want to enter the contest, or if you just want to display your picks and brag about how right you were later, we created a thread in the TVgasm Forums especially for that purpose. Good luck, and make sure to check TVgasm the day of the show.

Posted by at 5:41 PM | Permalink

Well, it's Sunday evening, and if you're like me, you just spent about six hours planted in front of Fox watching the Super Bowl. From a sad, geriatric performance by John Fogerty to a sad, geriatric performance by Paul McCartney, this telecast was all about one thing: securely covered breasts. Yes, you might say the presence of such old timers as Charlie Daniels, George Bush, and Bill Clinton might significantly reduce the risk of a nip-slip redux, but I might argue that if a wardrobe malfunction were to occur through some strange act of fate, it would be about ten times uglier than Janet Jackson's supple titty. So let's wind back the clock and take a tour through the sanitized and sterilized Super Bowl coverage.

We begin early. Way early. Paul McCartney shows up at the Fox Sports desk to ham it up with Jim Brown (aka "JB"), Howie Long, Jimmy Johnson, and reigning marshmallow man of suck, Terry Bradshaw. We once again revisit that wonderful moment last year when Bradshaw drunkenly sang a self-directed medley of Beatles hits with Sir Paul McCartney. The moment was idiotic then but has now aged nicely into a generally stinky moment of pop culture poop. Amazingly, all the Fox staffers recall nostalgically how electric the duet was. If by "electric" they mean they tried to stick a wet finger into a power socket, then yes, it was.

Later - or perhaps earlier (everything's a bit hazy) - a whorish weather woman ascends to a small stage to introduce a musical act. The trampy lady with the probable yeast infection turns out to be Jillian Barberie, still grasping for reasons to be included on the next edition of Hollywood Squares. She summons out John Fogerty, an aging rockstar who appears to have been dragged away from his engagement at the Buffalo Bill Casino in Primm, Nevada. With a charming boufant, John Fogerty sings some of his classics while a crowd of young executives from Federal Express and Monster.com stand around morosely. Par-tay!

Peppered amongst the musical numbers are interviews with Terrell Owens (broken foot, blah blah blah), Donovan McNabb (Chunky Soup, blah blah blah), and Tom Brady (I'm All American, blah blah blah). George Bush Sr. and Bill Clinton show up to unwisely give Terry Bradshaw some false sense of journalistic legitimacy. Luckily, Harvard grad JB doles out most of the questions to his Eli rivals (that means they're from Yale) while Bradshaw gets drunk off of Jack Daniels and paint thinner in the corner. Bill Clinton looks emaciated (bypass surgery? psshh. whatever), and the entire scene takes on a surreal quality as the two former world leaders discuss tsunami relief while holding Fox Sports microphones.

Just as the conversation turns light again, killjoy JB rolls tape of the silliest patriotic ode in quite some time: a full reading of the Declaration of Independence by various random figures in politics and football. Yes, as long as we're still reeling from Jilian Barberie's Pulitzer Prize winning interview with John Fogerty ("You've been inducted into the Songwriter Hall of Fame. That's like the Super Bowl for musicians!"), we might as well have a little reminder course on our forefather's contributions. Cut to various political figures as well as Bill Cowher, Michael Strahan, Marshall Faulk, James Brown, and the dynamic duo of... Jack Kemp and Warrick Dunn? Huh? What IS this? After five minutes of somber reading, Fox then assembles a little skit with the Founding Fathers bantering at the end of the document. Hey John Hancock, why you writing so big? Oh, so old George across the pond can read it!

Wow, that's rich! This entire scene — and segment — ends with the actors, I mean, forefathers, raising their arms triumphantly and proclaiming "Huzzah!" Yes, I'm sure that's exactly how it went down. Thanks Fox!

JB returns to the screen and actually asks the former Presidents to comment on the bit. Both crawl their way out of the corner without laughing before JB eventually ushers the politicos off camera in favor of more "shenanigans".

After a commercial break, JB announces that the theme of tonight is building bridges. Wow, that's amazingly vague. And since when do Super Bowls have themes? I think next year's theme should be an Under the Water Dance or maybe Pimps and Ho's. Nevertheless, JB somehow manages to draw a link between building bridges and Gretchen Wilson, who's the next palatable-to-Middle-America musical act to take the stage.

Amazingly, Katie from Road Rules hops on the Super Bowl stage and begins singing. Oh wait, that's actually Gretchen Wilson. We can't hear her voice because the audio department has unwisely decided to keep the microphone off. This is most likely a gaffe, but I like to think of it as a passive aggressive message from the sound crew. Gretchen prances around in a Muzikmafia Jersey which means that she's either endorsing an artist group or she's sadly misinformed on which teams are playing this evening. Turns out it's the former, and I'm instantly mad that I've taken the time to look up Muzikmafia (it's a country music group. So why the urban spelling? Shut up, Muzikmafia). Gretchen croons away, singing the line "I'm here for the party!" I wonder if she's looking for the fat and ugly party.

Out of nowhere, Charlie Daniels shows up to do a little retro "Devil Went Down to Georgia" action. I'm all for Charlie Daniels, but how exactly is this building a bridge? It's become patently obvious that the only bridge going up today is one headed away from MTV.

Just when we think this pre-show — or kickoff special or whatever you want to call it — has become so damn lilly white that we might just slit our necks with an Amy Grant CD, the organizers toss in a little spice. Yes, time to roll out the Black Eyed Peas and Earth, Wind, and Fire. Translation: "And now something for the black people that won't scare the white people. Actually, this is really just for the white people again." Meanwhile, Maude in Iowa feels safe.

Before the Peas can take the stage though, we cut to commercial again. Anheuser Busch tells us that they've been telling adults to drink responsibly for years, and more so, they've been attacking underage drinking. Now it's the parents responsibility to control themselves and their family. Whoa, did Anheuser Busch just PA me? Because the message of that commercial was pretty much "Look, we've done all we can do. It's not our fault that you're such bad people."

We return to the Black Eyed Peas who serve as our last great hope for a nip-slip. Alas, Fergie is all buttoned up, and the performance goes off with the sort of poppy glee that Wal-Mart aspires for in its urban marketing campaigns. At the end of the performance, one of the Peas gives a shout out to the tsunami and all the people who died in it. Word up! Tsunami in the hizzouse!

Next up, JB tells us to prepare for America The Beautiful. Uh oh. My Josh Groban radar is going off like gangbusters. Please say it ain't so. Luckily, my fears are short lived as we are greeted by... Will Smith? Is he going to joke-rap through this song? And hey —  his movie "Hitch" is opening this week, right? Man, seeing him on the Super Bowl makes me realize I should really catch that movie.

Turns out Will Smith is merely on field to plug his new CD, uh, I mean, introduce Alicia Keys who will be singing with a chorus of blind and deaf children. Wow, this is mildly exploitative, and not just because these kids are dressed like employees of Southwest Airlines. I feel like Fox watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and said "Oh, so you take two deaf parents and a blind/autistic kid and think you can beat us? Well, we're going to take fifty blind kids and fifty deaf kids and we're going to make them SING! And if you're not crying, we're gonna kill their parents!"

With the the Alicia Keys awkwardness finally over, Joe Buck bellows over the loudspeaker, "Please direct your attention to the video screen." Wait, are there going to be safety instructions because I do NOT see an exit aisle. However, instead of a comely American Airlines employee, we get... Michael Chiklis. That wouldn't have been my first guess, but let's hear what The Commish has to say. Turns out not much. He just babbles on about how great the Patriots are. Moments later, Will Smith pops up again. Did I mention his movie "Hitch" is coming out this week? Smith introduces Philadelphia with some flowery prose, noting that "Philly has always been known for its tenacious D." At this point, the montage cuts to black and white archival footage of some Eagles game during what appeared to be Prohibition. Honestly, you can't be feeling too confident as a team when your own introductory montage can do little else but compare you to a bunch of skinny white men running around in leather caps.

Soon after this, Michael Douglas is welcomed to the field. Great. Another random celebrity. Who's next? Zsa Zsa Gabor? Bob Uecker? Anyway, Michael Douglas talks a bunch about World War II. Later, he becomes imperiled by an obsessed yet sexy female. Actually no, that doesn't happen. Instead, he announces "The Greatest Generation!" and a royal fanfare blares out. Amazingly, Donald Trump does not appear out of thin air.

Michael Douglas introduces various WWII veterans such as the Tuskegee Airmen and the Band of Brothers guys. Also present: the sexy WAVEs ladies struttin' their stuff. Grrrrowwwwl. Ultimately, an armed forces choir sings the national anthem, which means at least one washed up, cheesy pop star is out of a gig this year (I'm looking at you Bryan Adams, Rick Springfield, and Shania Twain).

We cut away to a commercial where Charles Woodson, Jevon Walker, and Shaun Alexander gather around the TV to watch American Idol. Wow. That's amazingly emasculating.

Finally, we come upon the coin toss which is executed by a little kid named Tyler. Teddy Bruschi pats the boy on his head as if he were a cute little dog. "Me Teddy. Me like Tyler!" Moments later, when New England loses the coin toss, Teddy Bruschi grabs Tyler by the hair and flings him into the stands. He's a very temperamental guy.

The game begins and a few minutes in, we hear a loud engine noise. Is that a UFO hovering over us? No, it's just Fox introducing Philly's offensive line, which is obviously as good a time as any to employ as many visual and sound effects as possible. Good to see Fox hasn't quite built that bridge to understatement yet.

The first quarter goes by without incident. The only noteworthy moment comes during a cutaway shot when a dolphin bearing a football in its mouth pokes its head out of a tank and lingers extra long and extra close to the camera. The image is so bizarre that Joe Buck has to ask "Was that real?" He then adds "Because if it was, I'd like to say that that was a disgusting act by the dolphin, and it's unfortunate that we had that on our air live. That is disgusting by the dolphin."

"I'm needy."

Later in the quarter, the commentators gush over the new "Pylon-cam" which serves seemingly no purpose at all. But to prove its worth to gadgetry-circles, Fox cuts to a shot from the aforementioned pylon-cam, and our minds are blown by an amazingly large image of painted grass. Wow, this DOES make a difference! Yay Pylon-Cam!

The second quarter begins with a shot of Will Smith in his box seat. Hey, you know, I should see that movie, "Hitch". I think it opens this week... With 9:55 remaining in the first half, L.J. Smith (L.J. stands for Little John. You can make the penis jokes on your own time) hauls in a touchdown for the Philadelphia Eagles. J-Unit erupts into a giddy mess since LJ is one of his favorite players. Meanwhile, we cut to a shot of the Fox logo in a puddle or stream. Where's the dolphin? What sort of cutaway is this? At this point I'm expecting at least a manatee to come flopping onto the screen. Alas, Fox's love affair with maritime animals unnaturally wielding footballs seems to have come to an end.

On the field, Tom Brady fumbles, causing a massive pile up. Darwin Walker emerges from the man-heap and trots down the field with the ball. No one seems to notice Walker prancing around and so the refs continue to dig through the pile. The moment could have been very Looney Toons had Walker tapped the ref on the shoulder and presented the ball with a cocky Bugs Bunny attitude, but, alas he did not do that. Huh. It doesn't seem as funny now, so I'll just move on.

There's a break in the action; so the commentators decide to point out some of the high profile guests in attendance. Joe Buck points out former President Bill Clinton and then adds "And here is former President—" The camera cuts away to John Travolta, and I'm momentarily horrified to know that the Battlefield Earth star was once our President. Luckily, I realize Fox made an error and can move on with my life. On the bottom of my screen, Paul McCartney pops up for the umpteenth time. YES, I KNOW! He's going to be singing at the half time show. Please, just stop.

Meanwhile, Joe Buck decides to take a stand on something. "People say the Super Bowl has become such a corporate event," he balks. Yeah, whatever gave them that idea? I hope people think long and hard about that during the Ameriquest Mortgage Company Halftime Show.

With 1:10 left on the clock, David Givens catches a touchdown for the Patriots, and we're all tied up heading into half time. Okay, so let's get this suckfest over with. Where's Sir Paul? Oh, but not yet! Before we can see Paul McCartney sing a medley, we have to watch Paul McCartney sing a medley in a random and lengthy montage of concert footage. Seriously, can we bring back Gretchen Wilson?

At long last, an announcer gravely introduces McCartney by saying "Building bridges across time and across the world." Yeah, um, how exactly does pandering to a specific demographic in the population equate to "building bridges"? Just give it up Fox. The whole "building bridges" thing is more of a stretch than Jilian Barberie's cooter at this point.

Now, I know Paul McCartney is a musical legend, and I know he's a great talent. Heck, I'm a big fan of his music. But honestly, this is awful. Paul stands alone on stage for what feels like hours as he chirps through some of his classic hits from The Beatles era. He appears quarantined to some LCD disco floor of suck as this completely antiseptic halftime show motors on. Luckily, a gaggle of middle-aged women in the front row are having a swell time as they prudently dance and temporarily escape from the mundane lives they lead.

Suddenly, Sir Paul decides to get down and dirty. He removes that crazy blazer he's wearing in a gesture that seems to say "This world is too button up for rock 'n roll! Now let's play some adult contemporary music. YEOWWW!!!" He then jumps into a rendition of "Live and Let Die" which, for better or worse, actually does seem to rock. Fireworks do help and give this show a much needed jolt of adrenaline. Meanwhile, somewhere in the waters around the stadium, twelve dolphins have been burnt to death by errant pyrotechnics.

Luckily this dangerously rowdy moment completely dies down as Paul jumps into "Hey Jude." Hundreds of blue penlights surround McCartney, and I momentarily wonder if he's been swallowed by a giant sea anemone. Of course, "Hey Jude" turns into a giant singalong of "Na na na", and just to add to the effect, everyone in the stadium is given a colored card to raise in order to form a human mosaic. What would the cards spell? "USA"? "PEACE"? "PAUL IS HOT"? Neither. The cards all spell out... "Na na na." Uh, that's kind of redundant. And stupid.

At least there is some semblance of patriotism as each "Na" is either red, white, or blue. Unfortunately, the words are placed in the wrong order; so we get a blue, white, and red "Na na na", making the entire scene an unintentional ode to France. Wow, this halftime show is really really dumb.

Blue, white, and red? Zut alors!

The third quarter finally gets underway, and after just four minutes, Mike Vrabel snags a touchdown for the Patriots. Later, the camera lingers on a busty Eagles cheerleader happily rooting for her team. We then cut to the Patriots' cheerleaders which all lend credence to the theory that women from Boston tend to not be, how do you say, attractive.

Brian Westbrook scores a touchdown later in the quarter, and now J-Unit watches as I become a giddy mess (Westbrook is one of my favorites). Meanwhile, Pam Oliver reports that Todd Pinkston has "A case of the cramps!" Sadly, she does not announce this with the British accent it so deserves.

The fourth quarter begins with another Patriots touchdown, this time by Corey Dillon who thankfully does not launch into his Visa commercial bit by droning "Not today... not tomorrow..." Wow, I'm already asleep just thinking about it. Joe Buck and his posse return to the Pylon-cam and discuss its merits yet again. I can't help thinking there must be better small talk out there. Can't we bring back the dolphin?

Mastercard reveals this year's big "priceless" commercial. It's a bunch of cartoon spokesmen like the Jolly Green Giant eating dinner together. The spot ends with Charlie the Tuna bantering as he brings some dirty dishes to Mr. Clean in the kitchen. Did they just host a dinner party together? I can't help wondering if these two are in a domestic relationship. I always had a feeling about that Mr. Clean. After all, he does work out a lot, and let's not overlook his anal-retentive fixation on cleanliness. But Charlie the Tuna? I just thought his beret and thick-rimmed glasses meant he was artistic (or a Moby fan). This is quite a revelation.

As the game winds down, the Patriots tack on three points with a field goal. We also watch footage of Teddy Bruschi running around the field prior to the game with his two little boys. Hearts across America melt as the two kids pounce on their father in a group hug. Sarcasm... dying.... maudlin sentiment... rising... Must... watch... PAX...

Perhaps stirred into action by the loving Bruschi clan, a pair of dolphins jump out of the water in yet another cutaway shot. Unfortunately, the dolphins come bearing no football and are therefore useless to America. They are later mysteriously killed in a fishing net after they threaten to out Charlie the Tuna. Meanwhile, on the field, Greg Lewis scores a touchdown for Philadelphia. Unfortunately for him though, the team took too long in the fourth quarter to make plays (what were they doing anyway? Discussing Paul McCartney's wonderful halftime show?) and the game ends 24-21, New England.

Afterwards, Terry Bradshaw presents the Vince Lombardi statue to Bob Kraft, the heavily inebriated owner of the Patriots. "The NFL is the great leverlrer" he slurs, trying to make some impromptu inspirational speech. When it is clear this booze hound has nothing to say, Bradshaw interviews Tom Brady and then Deion Branch, who as the Super Bowl MVP won the Cadillac of his choice. Now, I don't want to put words in his mouth, but here's what I'm thinking: Lamborghini doors on that Es-co-lade. Sorry, random enthusiasm over The Game.

So all in all, this was a pretty exciting game stuck in a cesspool of Middle America-friendly entertainment. I suppose I shouldn't be annoyed because after all, without all the filler crap, I'd have nothing to write about. Here's to next year!

UPDATE: Sadly, I missed The OC Super Bowl skit which aired early in the afternoon. Luckily, KROQ-FM in Los Angeles re-aired it in its entirety this morning. I'm telling you, you haven't heard awkward until you've heard Mischa Barton try to recite lines about Bill Belichick...

Posted by at 12:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

UPDATE: It was quite the lackluster Super Bowl for commercials. Some of our thoughts and three videos after the jump.

On the whole, originality was sorely lacking this year. Most companies were very wary of pushing the envelope, so it made for some safe and predictable additions to existing franchises.

-Godaddy.com tried to be provocative with their big-boobed girl with only one strap holding her together in front of a Senate panel, but the wardrobe malfunction aspect of the joke was really old. Didn't anybody learn from all those ads in 2000 when .com companies advertised on the Super Bowl and then managed to go out of business within a year?

-Bud Light. There are usually some good ones from Bud Light. The best this year was the skydiving ad with the pilot jumping from the plane. Not so great was that cockatoo at the bar.

-Cedric the Entertainer had two uninteresting commercials. I literally forgot what the point of each was five minutes later. I would say put a fork in it, but I have to save that for some other themes.

-FedEx had a decent commercial. I can't speak negatively about anything that had a talking bear kicking Burt Reynolds in the nuts.

-Can somebody take a shotgun to the stupid Budweiser donkey? It's nice to trot out the clydesdales every now and then, but you are just killing the franchise with this type of shit.

-Brad Pitt tried to pull off his too hip/cool for everybody else in a Heineken commercial. I would say it sucked, but I am going to give them another chance when Steven Soderbergh directs and George Clooney cameos.

-So MC Hammer is not that great anymore. If he landed in my backyard, I wouldn't throw him back. Admit it, you know you loved the parachute pants.

-What was the deal with that Mustang commercial? Stop trying to be Fargo, especially when you don't have Frances McDormand.

Grand Prize Winner: P Diddy's New Ride. While this commercial was funny for everybody, it really makes us people in Los Angeles laugh or asses off. Some of you might think that it would be improbable for anybody to want to drive a such a monstrosity, but you would be wrong. The sad thing is that this ad might inspire celebrities to actually buy a freezer truck to pick up their lunch at Urth Cafe or for spending the night out at Prey. The hipsters who can't afford their own will be waiting for the ironic t-shirt at Urban Outfitters.

Click on the picture to play

1st Runner Up: Marinara Killed the Cat. We love commercials with a message, and this message is a lesson that we should all take to heart. If your girlfriend's cat ruins the surprise dinner you had planned, make sure to kill the cat before your girlfriend gets home, or she might break up with you. I sort of made up that last part, but the commercial is still really funny. It also stars the same girl from the Southwest commercial featuring the girl who uses the bathroom at her boyfriend's place, looks at a bottle of medicine, and then trashes the whole cabinet. I wonder if the guy killing her cat is that guy or a new man.

Click on the picture to play

Honorable Mention: Gladys Knight's Rugby Adventure. So this wasn't the greatest commercial, but we have to give props for any company that puts Gladys Knight on the rugby pitch.

Click on the picture to play

Posted by at 10:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

So it looks like the writers of Smallville have decided to take us on a little bit of a Superman hiatus. Early on in the season, it looked as if we were doing to be deep into Krypton mythology for a long time to come. We had ancient stones, ancient maps, ancient 17th century relatives who were reincarnated, and even an ancient actress trying to make a little bit of a comeback (hello Margot Kidder). All of that has been put off a little bit and we have been recently focusing more on the lives of our Smallville characters outside of their involvement in ancient prophecies. It might not be the direction the comic book folks would have like the show to turn, but if you like your high school melodrama, you are in luck.

Clark is a pretty forgiving guy, but you would think there would be some limits to how forgiving somebody would be. For instance, if you were drugged and taken to Vegas to get married, you would think you would be a little apprehensive about starting a relationship with that person. Maybe the sight of Alicia in her wedding night lingerie told Clark he should try and stick around a little longer, because there was nobody who thought that Clark should be with Alicia, except perhaps Clark and Alicia. And really, aren't they the only one who matter?

Yes and no. It is perfectly fine for Clark to believe that Alicia is changed, but you know that it is going to take a little getting used to for some others in Smallville. You could argue that Lana might have trouble coming to terms with the idea that the guy she thought she loved had no problems going out with an attempted murderer. Especially when you consider that the attempted murderer had tried to kill Lana. Oblivious to the notion this might cause problem, Clark waltzed into karaoke night at the Talon with Alicia in tow. There was that awful silence, broken only by a wisecrack from Lois (who had been singing "I Love Rock and Roll" with Chloe). Jason's not happy, Lana is *really* not happy, and even though Alicia attempts to apologize, I think the possibility of double dates in the near future are remote.

If you are sick of me talking about how hot Kristin Kreuk is, you are not going to be happy with this week's show. Jason and Lana are back on speaking terms and they return to her apartment after the run-in with Alicia. Lana is taking a shower (and we get two very nice views of her through the shower curtain), when somebody comes in and tries to suffocate her using her shower curtain. Jason breaks down the door just in time to save her from death.

At the hospital, everybody is speculating that Alicia did it. We've had a lot of incidents over the years of people who were affected by the meteor rock, many of them turn homicidal, and more than a few of them have gone after Lana. Alicia is the first of those people to have been released, so you see why people might think that she was involved. Clark doesn't want to believe any of it, and even claims that he was with Alicia when the attack happened. And even if he wasn't with Alicia, the lead wristband is enough to keep her from teleporting, rigtht? Nobody believes him, including his parents and that idiot sheriff. Does that sheriff get anything done? I am starting to believe that she knows more than we are led to believe, like the government knows strange shit happens in Smallville and sent this sheriff in to report back, not unlike that big-eared principal from BtVS.

I do like the writing and the characters on this show, but sometimes it is a little too obvious who is going to be affecting the story and what the big twist will be. So when Lois and Chloe are doing their thing at karaoke and Lois goes up to some random guy and shakes it, I start to wonder. When Lois and Chloe are back at Smallville High the next day and the same random guy happens to bump into them and ask Lois out, you know that he isn't there to be a future love interest for Lois. Even Lois' presence is strange enough, since she is no longer enrolled and is supposed to be in college. We learn that she is no fan of the drunken fraternity types (there goes my dreams), and she went to hang out with Chloe during Greek Week. OK, so you are a GDI and it's Greek Week, you have to enter a whole other level of lame to leave the entire campus and hang out with your cousin who is in high school. But whatever, when this random guy says that he saw Alicia near the scene of the crime, there is almost no suspense left. This jab is going to be involved whether we like it or not.

Clark still believes Alicia had nothing to do with the attack, but some of the evidence is starting to get a little more shaky. When he sees her later that night (with that hot hot hot plaid skirt/cashmere sweater combo) he learns that Alicia has not been using her wristband, meaning she technically could have done the crime. She tells Clark that she doesn't need and she doesn't want to hurt his friends, but that she can't live without using her abilities. Alicia says it's not fair to ask her not to use her abilities when he uses his all the time.

While Clark thinks about that, he goes to pick up his mom at the Talon. Lana and Jason are there, and Jason has been afraid to leave ever since the first attack happened. Then again, he is enrolled in college and does have to study. Smallville is in some serious need of distance learning, I think. Martha says that she and Clark will look after Lana until Jason gets back, and he lives with that. As Jason is in his car, somebody begins to choke him. He can't shot, but manages to honk the horn. Clark hears it, and is able to reach the car and stop the attacker before Jason is hurt badly. The attacker isn't there, but Clark sees that the person used a scarf to choke Jason, and the scarf is exactly like the one Alicia wears.

Jason isn't hurt, but does spend a little time in the hospital meaning we get another wonderful appearance by Jane Seymour. I am not really sure what she does or why she is so loaded, but I'm sure we'll find out soon. They soon start talking about Lana, and how Jason thinks that his mom arranged their meeting. Lana walks in and Jason's mom asks her what she thinks about the theory. There is kind of an awkward laugh followed by awkward silence. With Lionel Luthor out of the picture(for now) as a villian, Jane Seymour is doing quite a nice job making us all feel creepy.

Things get even more creepy when she goes to visit Lex and proposes that he help her with keeping an eye and Jason and Lana. Lex insists he doesn't want to interfere in "affairs of the heart", which we know is bull because he does want Jason out of the picture so he can obsess with Lana. They agree to work together and we think that is the end of that, but when Lex talks to Jason about a job, and offers him one that pays six figures, he sees right through it. He knows his mom put Lex up to it, and says he doesn't trust her. Lex says he doesn't trust her either, and going by the old "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" principle, decides that they should work together against her. Who's playing whom? I guess we'll have to wait a few weeks and find out.

You can imagine how freaked out Clark was to see Alicia's scarf. Normally this is when any normal guy is going to say "What the hell am I doing?". It's possible for people to change, but not when she's a psychobitch. Clark is different though, and goes to his father's tackle box, finds all of the lead weights, and starts molding them into another bracelet for Alicia. When she sees him doing this, I think that she is over quite a bit considering how much the other Kents don't want to see her. She says that the bracelet won't work because the lead has to be released into the bloodstream, which, considering the side effects, makes you wonder just how bad it is to have a girl teleporting all around? Clark wants her to turn herself in, and Alicia wants Clark to admit to other people that he has abilities. If people knew about Clark, maybe they would leave her alone a little and they would be free to actually have a relationship.

Clark was very happy that Alicia kept his secret, but he can't let her get away with anything, so he goes to the sheriff. When he says that he found Alicia's scarf at the scene, she says thanks, but no thanks. It turns out Alicia was under interrogation at the time of the second attack and couldn't have pulled it off. Oops! That's quite the big matzoh ball Clark left hanging there.

It's been obvious that Alicia has been released, and it's even more obvious that she isn't exactly cured. She still obsesses about Clark and wants to be with him so much that she decides that maybe protecting his secret isn't so important any more. What better person to start with than Chloe, who has compiled the "wall of weird" about all of the strange people in Smallville. How would Chloe react when she learned that her best friend Clark was one of the freaks? Would she be so intent on tracking down people, or so quick to judge people when she knows they have abilities?

To test her theory, Alicia kidnaps Chloe and they teleport into a car. The car starts speeding, and Chloe has the look on her face that she is about to die. Alicia phones Clark to say that she is in trouble and needs his help. Chloe has no idea what is going on, but just as the car hits a ramp and is about to flip, Alicia and Chloe teleport out of the car and off to the side. Chloe still has no idea what's going on, but the look on her face as she sees Clark run in front of the car, catch it in mid-air, and then lay it down without any effort tells the whole story. It would be a similar reaction to what I would have had if I had seen Rick Fox in an All-star game - you are either crazy, drugged, or on a different planet.

Chloe is back at the torch contemplating what just happened, and if you think she had a strange experience, it might have to take a back seat to what Lois just experienced on her "date". The random guy who asked her out turned out to be a huge history buff. He seemed much less interested in Lois than talking about Smallville circa 1950. In fact, you can say that his whole thinking was stuck in the 50s. When the topic of Jason and Lana comes up, he effectively says that they got what they deserved and that they were ruining the town with their fornicating (or thoughts of fornicating as it were). They were just another example of how the morals of the people in town had degraded and they deserved to be punished. OK, so if there was any doubt that this was the guy who attacked Lana and Jason, we can put that to rest, especially when he disintegrates into a cloud of dust and whooshes off to someplace unknown.

That unknown place turns out to be Alicia's house. Obviously this guy used his knowledge of Alicia's abilities to frame her. He is looking for some more material to link her to future crimes when she walks in and interrupts him. Now that he knows her scheme, he has to do something with her. Before she can teleport away, he drugs her and she falls asleep.

At that moment, Clark arrives at Alicia's farm. He found out from Lois about random guy and raced to warn Alicia. Unfortunately, he is a little late. Turns out the random guy was a stone cold killer, and didn't simply want Alicia knocked out or locked up. He hung her from the rafters of the barn, and that is how Clark finds her. Clark is so emotional, maybe more emotional than he has ever been with anybody before, including Lana. It was the closest thing he had found to a soulmate. She knew his secrets and didn't run away.

I have to say, I wasn't really ready for Alicia to die. The entire episode was fairly predictable, but when she was swinging from the roof, I was really surprised. Suddenly, the burden of Clark's secret rests on Chloe. Only this time, Clark doesn't know that she knows, which makes it very interesting. Chloe asks Lois about this hypothetical situation and she says that she wouldn't tell the person she knows the secret, and that it would be better to be a friend and get that person to open up on their own, so that is exactly what Chloe does. Will she be able to keep the secret? Alicia died protecting it, and Pete ran away from the knowledge. Whatever the knowledge, it obviously gives her a lot more insight on Clark Kent, and the way he has been acting over the last four years.

Posted by at 12:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

One of the perks of living in Los Angeles — aside from the culture and light traffic — is being able to occasionally observe the Hollywood social ladder and the rungs of insecurity that form it. (Get ready for a name-droppy sentence) Last night at Spago I happened to sit a table over from one Rick Fox, late of the Los Angeles Lakers, Oz, Vanessa Williams, and, well, various RadioShack and local Ford commercials. Being a Knicks and non-annoying commercial fan, I can't say that Mr. Fox was ever super high on my favorite celebrity list, but I'm always willing to revise an opinion...

Anyway, Rick Fox was joined by a cadre of agent/publicist types including two women in business suits, a guy in a blazer and dark t-shirt (I know, I know), and an elderly woman who looked like she'd been knocking around the industry for decades. As the group chatted about who knows what, Rick spent a good portion of the evening smiling politely and nodding, just barely disguising either boredom or fatigue. Luckily, this celebrity-anchored table was located right at the front of the dining room which made it easy for several other agents and friends to stop by and say hi to their peers over the course of the evening. You would have thought these people were receiving a lifetime achievement award with all the "well-wishers" dropping by. Yeah, this table was the shit, and if you knew what you were doing, you were going to put in an appearance.

Well, as the evening went on, Rick seemed to become more animated and lively. But then the inevitable happened. A non-agent, non-producer, non-INDUSTRY jab went up and TALKED to him. And yes, that was the sound of a record screeching to a halt. I mean, can you imagine it? Some homely looking guy, clearly from out of town, was standing at the table, and here he was chatting off an NBA player's ear. An NBA player!

The man was decently loud, and it sounded like he and his family had ties to North Carolina, aka Rick Fox's alma mater. Ultimately, the little interaction ended with the guy saying Rick should come by their table afterwards. Oh silly plebeian. Don't get your hopes up.

Anyway, it just so happened that my table and Rick's table rose to leave at around the same time (I swear, I'm not a stalker!). Would this mean I'd be engaging in some "play it cool" activity at the valet? No. Because Rick actually went over to the family and sat down with them. Now honestly, that is awesome. Whether or not you're a fan of his, if you're at a restaurant and an NBA player sits down with you, that's just sweet (unless it's some low level bench warmer like Mike Dunleavy).

Well, this was great to everyone... except the industry-ites. "Foxxy?" they called out nervously. "Foxxy, we're leaving." Cut to me repressing a laugh. Even better though was that they turned to each other and literally said with some degree of horror "He's sitting down with them!" Then there was more "Foxxy? Foxxy!" But Foxxy was off being, you know, a good egg. Finally, one of the women simply snipped bitterly "Bye Foxxy" and strutted away. Why were these people so mad? I'm not a big Rick Fox fan and even I couldn't help feel happy for that family. Could it be that these people wanted to be seen walking through, exiting and then standing outside the restaurant with Rick Fox? Or could it be that the industry types' own perceived importance had been completely undermined by Fox bestowing the same attention on some Joe Schmoes as he had on his dining buddies?

About five minutes later, I stepped out to the valet and found all of Rick's ex-table mates standing around STILL flustered. "He's sitting with people he doesn't even know!" one woman scoffed, her words tinged with a thick current of jealousy. With no better way to explain his crazy actions, they finally settled on something they could all rest easily with: "He's a reality show..."

Nods all around and quiet, chuckling affirmations of "He certainly is." And then all was well.

Posted by at 4:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (19)

This week's Apprentice was all about Taster's Choice, and in the spirit of product placement, I decided to speak with a British accent and ask my neighbor for some spare coffee grounds. Unfortunately, a man named Barry opened the door wearing nothing but some skimpy boxers, and my lame attempt to personally resurrect the Taster's Choice commercials ended with me shivering traumatically in my apartment. The point is, sometimes coffee can lead to bad things, and in the case of one candidate, it can lead to reality extermination. Now that'll wake you up in the morning.

Last night's show began on a peculiar note. Gone was the ostentatious and overproduced scoring. In its wake was a gentle guitar strumming and a lonely male voice singing sorrowfully. Could it be that the producers of The OC had taken over the show? No, it was only Danny picking at his guitar and doing his best Ryan Adams impersonation. Rumor has it he was auditioning for Zach Braff's Indie Idol. If you haven't heard of it, maybe you're just not in the loop. It's indie, you know.

After the coffee shop worthy performance ended, Danny declared "We're starting to get along!" Cut to the sound of an ominous, Jurassic Park-ish thud on the soundtrack as Net Worth returned to the apartment. Why the scary sound? Were they coming to eat the college grads? Not necessarily. But they did bring news of Brian's crash and burn boardroom from last week. Someone said that he basically fired himself, causing a perplexed Michael from Magna to ask if Brian had actually said to himself "I'm fired!" And to illustrate his question, Michael even did the cobra thing to his own face (excuse me while I hide under my degree). Honestly, it was one of the dumber things I'd seen on this show, and yet it was incredibly funny — probably because after Michael did the hand thing, he stood blankly as if he had actually been fired.

Meanwhile, in the bedroom, Verna was still tired. Danny arrived to comfort her, but I fear that he simply undid all the careful encouragement Carolyn gave last week during their little jaunt through the Jersey ghetto. Danny called a group meeting to make sure everyone was supporting Verna. We're all behind you, he explained. If you feel sick tomorrow, we'll cover for you. Suddenly the polite nods came to a screeching halt as everyone raised their index fingers in quiet protest. Turns out no one would support Verna that far, and rightfully so. With nothing left to discuss, Verna threw in the towel and opted to quit. Kendra then shouted "UNBELIEVABLE!" but when her team responded with uncomfortable glares, she added "I'm still not really sure when we say it."

And so while the loft's populace gathered together to eat, drink and be merry, Verna quietly exited the apartment to the tune of a weepy piano. We cut back and forth between the diners and Verna, with some people like Stephanie looking back to see only the shadow of a once great fast food patron. The whole thing sort of felt like one of those Zoloft commercials. I half expected a little ladybug to go by Verna's h