Reality Blurred brought to our attention that at this past weeks Miami Fashion Show, Katrina Campins new modeling career was really bustin' out. That is to say she is really bustin' out at her modeling. Err...hmmm, I guess the punniest way to put it is "HEY LOOK, THAT CHICK FROM THE APPRENTICE'S BOOBIE POPPED OUT!"

Of course we at TVGasm have no imagination and needed tangable proof of what that would look like. Once we aquired it, we had no choice but to share it with you, our loyal readers.

See the newly enhanced Katrina after the Jump. UPDATE: Now more pictures from the runway. If the pictures look doctored, it's because her tits are fake.

Click on any censored picture above for the uncensored version.

And for our new friends joining us from GOOGLE allow me to welcome you by saying:

Apprentice Katrina Campins Trump Runway exposed Celebrity Boob Nip slip nipslip Tit republican church christian scientist bowel movement Tittie Miami Fashion show and PreTeen Lesbian Midget Hooker Donkey Punch.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 2:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)

It seems like I am starting a lot of my posts with apologies these days. I am going to have to apologize once again. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to come up with a humorous Constantine mashup for the front page. It's not like you don't have a lot to choose from. Now that I am feeling very contrite, I can say that I am very happy to tell you that America's Next Top Model is as good as ever. What sort of glamorous story do we have in store this week? Flesh eating bacteria, of course! But these girls are so rational and down to earth, so I am sure nobody will freak out. Really.

Last week, poor Lluvy had to hear something that nobody going through this process wants to hear, i.e., that she had taken the absolute worst picture in the history of America's Next Top Model. Hey, I don't particularly blame Lluvy, with all of those scales and whatnot blocking her face, she had one of the more difficult pictures to pull off. That being said, there are only a few ways that you can live with a face like that: 1) paper bag 2) doggystyle 3) a bottle of Bacardi 151. Unfortunately, none of those methods really translate into the modeling world, so I think Lluvy has a tough road ahead of her. The judges keep on saying that she has an "interesting" face, which must be some sort of high fashion code word for "butterface". I report, you decide.

There is another option for Lluvy. She could always find somebody else in the house that is even less secure about her looks, and let the other girls get to her before they cone and get Lluvy. I don't know if that is her plan, but it is clear that the other girls haven't really taken a huge liking to Michelle. I am not sure if they are jealous because she looked so mannish coming in, and has been taking some great shots. Perhaps they really don't like lesbians, or female wrestlers. Whatever it is, the girls always seem like they are ready to gang up on her.

Take this week for example. Michelle has a breakout on her face. It looks like it might be a few pimples, but it is definitely looking pretty bad, and there are some splotches that seem infected. Right away, the girls were ready to give their opinion on what might be wrong. Keenya wondered if perhaps Michelle worshipped the devil, but clearly she didn't see all of the nuance involved. When Noelle heard about Michelle's problem, she thought that perhaps Michelle was hurting herself for attention. Brittany told her a little spooge on the face does wonders for the complexion. She didn't actually say that aloud, but just take a look at her. That skin is not from Neutragena alone.

The information session for this week was going to be at the the Makeup Artist Designory (as a little aside, if you are going to propose to B-side, his history with makeup artists is not good). This old guy named Paul Thompson walked in and started giving them a lesson. Maybe it was just me, but it was quite obvious that the guy was just Jay Manuel with a bunch of makeup on. The beard on the guy was so heavy that you expected he might be hiding something. Even if it wasn't Jay Manuel dressed up, hearing one word come out of his mouth would have at least tipped you off a little bit. I also saw last season's episode where Jay Manuel did some drag, and this guy was strangely similar.

Once Jay revealed himself, he let them all know that they were going to be doing each other's makeup as if they were preparing for a go-see. Go-sees are a model visits a client or designer so that person can meet hem face to face. The point of the exercise was to get a look that was clean and fresh. It was an easy enough exercise, except for Michelle. Not only did she not know how to do her makeup, but she was really starting to freak everybody out. She was paired with Lluvy and Tiffany, and they were both very nice when it came to trying to hide Michelle's newfound blemishes, which Kahlen was no describing as scabies, but we all know what scabies are really about. Lluvy finally got something to be happy about, as Jay said that her face was what everybody would want when they went to see a designer. Yes, I am only talking about the makeup.

Later that night, Tyra made a surprise visit to the loft. I promise to never be sick of her boobs, but her boobs are not the only reason why I love the Tyra one on one moments. They are not only full of some of the best info about all of the contestants, but we always get to hear some great Tyra advice, and we love how the way she loves to put her emphasis on the first syllable of the important parts of her sentences. We had some of the typical stuff, like from Lluvy, who needed a little bit of a boost about her "interesting" look, and Keenya, who is still starstruck to be in the competition and seeing face to face.

We also got to a see a little bit of the vulnerable side of our divas in waiting. Tiffany confessed that she was having a hard time fitting in with all of the foie gras and the créme fresh, and whatnot. I would have thought Tyra would have said something like "For starters, try not throwing up all of the floor at a nice restaurant", but she instead did her "I went through the same thing" type of explanation. Noelle talked about how much she missed her baby, Damien. As a fan of South Park, I will never understand how people give their kids that name. But apparently, Damien is starting to get popular.

Tatiana, however, had probably the saddest story. She was homeless. It wasn't the homeless as in she showers with disinfectant powder, but it was still pretty bad. She had lived with her sister, but her sister threw her out and took her money. Her mom lives with her boyfriend (who probably tried to get in her pants), and she has been basically crashing on her friends' couches, and was sometimes forced to sleep on the beach. It didn't look like it was going to be the end of her, but you know that she is going to have a lot of incentive to get far.

The next day there was another little road trip, this time to the Salon of Beverly Hills. The girls were going to go on another makeup challenge. Instead of the fresh faces that were featured in the first makeup challenge, this time the girls were invited to put on their best haute couture. Haute couture is the high fashion, runway look that is dramatic and daring. Each girl would be applying their own makeup, but they would have only 45 seconds at one of six stations to do it. When the girls were asked what haute couture was, not one of them had an answer, so you knew it was going to be an interesting challenge.

Most of these girls are sort of afraid of taking chances, so most of them had a hard time doing anything. I think some just did a lot of what they know best, which for Noelle meant a LOT of blue eye shadow. Rebecca just added a lot of blush, and the others mixed either lots of eye shadow or blush, or both. If you have been keeping track of this season, you know that if there is anybody who could do funky and daring high fashion, it is Naima. Naima did inded win, and she said she took her inspiration from Swan Lake. I do hope Naima checks the internet, because she is going to be so happy when she learns how much everybody loves her. Naima got to pick two friends, and so she chose Christina and Lluvy to go with her to Lauren Scherr, where they got to design their own handbags. I'll never figure out what the big deal is about a new purse, but they were very excited.

As time went on, people started getting a little more worried about Michelle. Her face was only getting worse, and it looked like she was going to break out all over the place. It wasn't quite Face Off, but it was getting close. Nobody was sure exactly what it was, but the rumor mill got started when Noelle heard from her mother that a flesh eating bacteria had been found, and that it was resistant to antibiotics. One person even got pneumonia and died.

With this sort of information, you would think that Noelle would perhaps warn Michelle. If you had a friend, or a housemate even, who might have a flesh-eating bacteria, wouldn't you tell them? Not Noelle, she decided that she should tell all of the girls in the house and make sure that they were all plenty paranoid. Soon, other girls begin calling people and asking them about flesh eating bacteria, and almost everybody confirmed that it was in fact the truth. Lluvy and Tiffany were concerned because they had shared the same makeup, and so if it was contagious, they were probably the first to get it. All of this further alienated Michelle, who has already confined herself to her bed because she doesn't feel like she belonged and now she thinks she is a freak who is going to be disfigured. There was finally a voice of reason, and it had nothing to do with Tyra. When Tiffany called her grandmother, she said the girls all needed to get a life. I agree. Michelle is certainly crazy, but can she be worse to be around than Brandy, who is complaining all the time? As long as there is somebody in the house more insecure than them, the girls will never worry about helping that girl out.

When it came time for the photo shoot, we knew that makeup was going to be involved, and it was certainly a very interesting challenge. The girls were going to do a "Got Milk" photo shoot, and in their photos, they were going to become a different ethnicity. Certainly a challenge, even more so than having to pose with huge crab arms attached to you. The new ethnicities were going to be: Christina - East Indian, Tiffany - Native American, Brittany - African American, Keenya - Korean, Kahlen - Hawaiian, Michelle - Eskimo, Naima - Icelandic, Tatiana - Biracial, Lluvy - Swedish (milk maid to be exact), Rebecca - Italian, Noelle - African (with headdress).

To add a little difficulty to the challenge, the girls all had to pose while holding a small child who was actually of the ethnicity they were trying to portray. The rest of the girls started to worry when they heard about the kids, but not because they were worried that it would be hard to hold them. They had worked themselves into such a frenzy about Michelle and her bacteria, that they didn't want to expose a youngster to disease. Michelle showed the makeup artist, who showed Jay, who decided that Michelle had to see a dermatologist. Once there, Michelle learned that she had impetigo, which isn't serious and is cleared up with some antibiotics and facial cream (see, Brittany was right!). As a side note, I did some research to get the name right, and found out the government[of Singapore - thanks SDNWTMTOHH] has a National Skin Center, complete with all of the gross pictures of skin maladies that you could desire.

Michelle returned with the good news a little while later, but the photographers still wanted to be careful with the kids, so Michelle got to pose with a baby doll, which was roughly 35 pounds lighter than the actual kids the rest of the people had to carry. Some of her roomates admitted that perhaps they had made the whole thing bigger than it really was. No, you're kidding! Anyway, without Brandi around, it's up to Tiffany to be the angry black woman, and she immediately got upset about how it was unfair that Michelle had no heavy weight on her. There is nobody more sympathetic than a gay stylist (sorry to stereotype), and Michelle's stylist was defending her, first saying to take it easy on Michelle because her face was falling off (OK, not exactly the way you want to have that point made, but point made nonetheless). He then said that maybe it was unfair because Michelle was prettier than Tiffany. Tiffany did have a point, but Michelle wasn't exactly gloating about the fact, and she has been a nervous wreck the whole time, believing her skin would be the thing that sent her home.

The photo shoot itself wasn't that bad. I guess I still find it odd to see people putting on what was almost blackface in this day and age, but they looked better than Ted Danson. The whole thing was almost like a second makeover for everybody, so you got to see a lot of them with dramatic hair changes, not to mention all of the skin voodoo they were doing. Noelle was very proud to be dressed up in traditional African dress, because she is half black and it was a chance for her to embrace that side of her. Naima, on the other hand, felt strange dressing up as Scandinavian because her mother and father are half black/half Mexican Indian and half black/half Irish, so Scandinavia is not something she identifies with. She was very sweet (is she anything else?) when she said "I guess it's what's on the inside that counts". As long as it's not silicone, I whole heartedly agree.

Before the judges had their say, the girls had one more makeup challenge. This time, they all had three minutes to apply their makeup. Degree of difficulty: no mirrors, no applicators. As you can imagine, it was a huge disaster. When it came time to judge the pictures, I was really unimpressed by a lot of them. The makeup was good, the clothes were good, but the lighting was kind of dark and a lot of people looked like they were lifeless. Keenya took what I consider to be the best picture, but I didn't think too many others really stood out, although Noelle's was pretty good. The judges also liked Brittany's and Kahlen's shots:

Poor Lluvy, she was among the last two girls for the third straight time. This time, she was up against Noelle. The judges love their juxtaposition type speeches and we got another one. Lluvy was the girl with all of the potential, but took horrible pictures. Noelle had great pictures, but just didn't seem like she had that model or high fashion quality about her. I could try and drag it out, but I am going to keep it short and say that Lluvy stayed and Noelle went home. Although I am not one for Lluvy and her "interesting" face (OK, maybe with remedy 2), Noelle had to go. She was cute, but I don't think she really stood out or had the model look. She said herself that she only kept up with fashion in magazines, and to be honest, I have seen better looking girls working the counter at my frozen yogurt place. As far as high fashion work goes, Noelle probably starts and stops at the dELiAs catalog.

Posted by at 12:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (21)

Now THAT was a great episode! For all those who missed Tuesday night's marathon Amazing Race installment, you sadly were deprived of two hours of pure, unadulterated excitement. Sure, there was a non-elimination round in the middle, but honestly, did anyone expect anything else? It's pretty much a tradition now that whenever The Amazing Race enters Africa, the first Pit Stop is always non-elimination. That's okay though. Unlike most viewers, I'm rarely upset by such rounds only because it means we get another week of racing madness, and in the case of this season, that's a good thing. Tonight's episode seemed to have it all: an intense Fast Forward, a gaping head wound, a scary car accident, and most importantly, an insanely close finish that easily ranks as one of the very best endings in Race history. So buckle up (Brian and Greg) and attach your hardhat (Gretchen). We're going to relive it all over again...

Was that cheesy? It felt cheesy. Yeah, it probably was cheesy. Just... I don' t know. Keep reading.

The episode began with our controversial couple, Rob and Amber, leaving the Pit Stop in the wee hours of the morning. They were directed to catch a flight to Johannesburg, South Africa which we'll assume is what Rob meant when he read "Yohannesburg." [Editorial note: I'm officially an idiot. As a former student of Modern South Africa, I should have remembered that this was, in fact, the correct pronunciation. I've been living in L.A. too long...] As the two headed off, Rob reflected that "there has been a guardian angel looking out for Amber and I." I'm not going to play the conspiracy card again, but man, it's so damn easy.

Next up were the brothers -- Greg and Brian. The two happily pointed out that they were the only team left that wasn't in a relationship. Aren't you guys overlooking your love affair with Urban Outfitters? Seriously, where would you be without your mandanas? Nevertheless, our friendly siblings arrived at the airport and purchased tickets for Africa. Was it just me or was Lynn pulling double duty as an airline employee? I probably was just seeing things -- unless Lynn has a long lost twin who just happens to work at a South American ticketing counter. Talk about a small world!

I'm pretty sure that's Lynn printing out tickets at the airport.

Ron and Kelly snagged a cab from the Pit Stop and immediately questioned whether or not they should stop at a travel agency. After some minor discussion, Kelly confirmed that they'd be going directly to the airport by patting the cabbie's right shoulder. Luckily, she also said "Aeroporto" which is good because I'm pretty sure she accidentally tapped his "travel agency" shoulder. Man, doesn't she know? If you ever want to go to the airport, always tap the cabbie's LEFT shoulder.

Moments later, Alex and Lynn emerged from the Pit Stop, and after navigating around some unsightly poop (Oh Phil...), they soon joined the other teams at the airport. Sadly, my Lynn/airline employee theory proved to be incorrect, which meant I could toss that idea onto the junk pile of other fallen conjectures (you know, like "Yes, Dear will be off the air after two seasons" and "Paris Hilton might have a brain after all"). One theory I do still stand behind is that Ray and Deana continue to underwhelm in this otherwise colorful cast of characters. As the two piled into their taxi (driven by an enjoyably dressed-up cabbie), Ray continued to bitch and moan about being at the back of the pack and how he just couldn't lose out to the old people. You know, all this guy does is complain. He doesn't have that ticking timebomb intensity of Colin or that crazy, over-the-top stupidity of Jonathan Baker. Therefore, he serves no use to us. But at least he can always have a healthy freakshow career as the world's first talking gorilla.

The last team to leave the starting gate was of course Gretchen and Meredith, our plucky seniors who've managed to carve out a niche for themselves as the perennial Amazing Race caboose. Upon hearing they'd be traveling to South Africa, Gretchen let out an excited "WHOA!" that was oddly reminiscent of Joey Lawrence on "Blossom". You know, now that I think of it, if CBS ever does a celebrity Amazing Race, they should definitely cast Mayim Bialik.

Anyway, all the teams caught up with each other at the airport, and then it was off to Africa! CBS cut to some random stock footage most likely provided by the South African Tourism Board. Lions! Nature! Truth and Reconciliation Hearings! Oh wait, I accidentally flipped over to Frontline. Nevertheless, teams eventually arrived in Johannesburg and found the rare Fast Forward in the next clue box. Anyone antsy to skip ahead could drive to Soweto and traverse a rickety suspension bridge over a cooling tower thirty stories up. Needless to say, it looked like the scariest thing ever done on television. I mean, I know these shows always have people climbing over gorges and dropping from the sky, but there's something so ominous and dark about crossing a cooling tower. It's like a giant bottomless pit that's just begging to swallow you up. I think cooling towers are the new boogeyman.

Anyway, teams not wanting to do the Fast Forward could instead opt for the Detour which was a choice between Tunnels or Tribes. In Tunnels, teams had to go spelunking in some caves (well, I guess that's redundant. It's not like you spelunk in a tree) to find the next clue. In Tribes, teams had to go to a cultural village and bring various items to the tribes who live there. Most teams headed off to the caves, but Lynn and Alex decided to hit up the cultural village. As they pulled out of the airport, Lynn remarked "I'm so glad Johannesburg is a real city. I was so afraid it would be chickens and camels and whatever." I guess Lynn hadn't been to J-Burg's famed Chicken and Camel District.

The good news for us viewers was that Ray and Deana decided to go after the Fast Forward. I'm always up for anything that might send Deana to a dark, frightening death. Oh, I shouldn't say that. I'm sure she's a lovely woman. Still, it'll be cool to see her shake like a dry leaf up there. Sweetening the deal was news that Ramber would be going for the Fast Forward as well. Excellent! This means that at least one asshole team will be screwed. Oh, but then again, logic told us that this was just a non-elimination round, so we shouldn't get our hopes up too high. This of course begs the question: why put a Fast Forward on a non-elimination leg?

While we pondered these questions, Ray and Deana arrived at the cooling towers first, and holy shit this task is scary. I need a safety harness just to watch it. Amazingly, Rob and Amber arrived about ten minutes later and instead of turning around and heading for the Detour, they simply suited up, desperately hoping that Gorilla and Gazelle might give up on the challenge.

I guess you could call this daunting.

Meanwhile, over at the cultural village, Lynn and Alex were having a ball delivering items to the indigenous tribes. Enjoyable awkwardness ensued when a Zulu warrior pretended to stab Lynn and Alex. The two guys recoiled violently before exhaling in relief as they discovered their lives were not, in fact, in danger. It kind of felt like some deleted scene from The Birdcage.

Over at the caves, Ron and Kelly suited up for some groping in the dark. A woman tightened a harness around Ron's groin, and as he smiled happily, she gave an extra tug, certainly providing him with an insta-wedgie. I suppose it wasn't that significant of a scene, but anytime someone gets it in the balls, you've gotta laugh.

Back at the Fast Forward, Rob and Amber went crazy as they deliberated whether or not to stay or go to the Detour. I was personally amused at the tech crew outfitting the duo with harnesses and helmets. No, Rob didn't get a wedgie like Ron, but while Amber was talking, some guy shoved a helmet onto her head, causing her hat to smother her face. They might as well have put a bucket over her head. Nevertheless, while Amber adjusted her hat, Rob implored her to make a decision for once: stay or leave? Amber simply looked at her fiancé blankly, as if to say "You do realize I got to where I am now by flying under the radar, right? I don't do decisions. Tee hee!"

Hey, let's check back in on the other teams. Let's see, Ron and Kelly were crawling around in the caves. So were Brian and Gregg. Uchenna and Joyce were lost on the road again, and Lynn and Alex were greeting cows, literaly. Meanwhile, Meredith and Gretchen built a case for age limits on drivers licenses as the two wound up motoring down the wrong side of the road. After a near head-on collision, Gretchen cooed that after this commute, the spelunking would be a walk in the park. Or at least a walk, trip, and head wound in the park. But more on that later.

With Ray and Deana successfully completing the Fast Forward, Ramber was left with no other option than to find the Detour. Unfortunately for them, they became lost; so they stopped by a Soweto hospital to get some directions and hopefully 10cc's of help from CBS (technically, the conspiracy theory was that CBS wanted to ensure Ramber would be in the first four episodes, so based on that, they're on their own now —  if you believe the rumor at all). Just when we thought Rob and Amber were finally hitting tough times, wouldn't you know it? All the nurses and doctors recognize them from Survivor and leap to their aid. "These guardian angels along the way helped us so much because they recognize us," explained Amber. Um, I think it's less guardian angels and more like star-struck angels. I mean, the whole idea behind "guardian angels" is that some random event happens and you benefit from it. It's not very random to receive help if you're the star of a worldwide hit show. And if I may hop on my soapbox for a moment, although Rob and Amber make terrific TV and certainly have added a great element into the mix this season, at the end of the day, they do sort of have an unfair advantage over other teams simply because of their celebrity. Some might argue that their celebrity also makes them the target of animosity, but, well, we've yet to see that play a factor. Who knows, maybe a Yield will have me eating my words.

Down in the caves, Brian and Greg slithered through some tight crevasses and took the moment to reflect on some childhood memories. "If you can't handle me stuffin' you in a sleeping bag when you were little," started one of them before trailing off. Man, these guys are such brothers. I kind of feel badly bashing them. They seem so happy and nice, especially with all their brotherly fist bumps. Later, as they emerged from the caves, one of them pointed out the oily gunk on their faces from crawling around underground. "Spelunking war paint," one said, causing the other to reply "You look like Braveheart, dude." Yes, he did look like Braveheart, assuming Braveheart had fallen into a cave.

Meanwhile, Lynn and Alex were still running around their tribes. I wasn't quite sure what was taking them so long, but at least they seemed to be having a good time. Upon arriving at a bright, clean, and colorful tribe, the guys noted that it was like the "Beverly Hills of the villages." Well, minus all the wealth and opulence. But that's okay. I can appreciate the analogy.

Meredith and Gretchen finally arrived at the caves, and as our plucky grandma lowered into the abyss, she called out "Goodbye cruel world!" Technically, if we were to take her joke seriously, was she implying that she was going down to hell? Surely I thought she'd be heading to the Pearly Gates, but I guess Gretchen has some skeletons in her closet. I don't know this for sure, but I'm just gonna say it anyway: double homicide.

While the old fogeys descended to the subterranean depths, Ray and Deana checked in at the Pit Stop, winning two Toyota Rav 4s in the process. Yes, check out your shiny new cars. They're just over there, next to the impoverished household struggling to put food on the table. Anyway, the two winners seemed quite happy, but I couldn't help noticing Deana's Quasimodo-ish stature as she stood hunched over with her right eye half closed and twitching. I half expected her to go running off in search of a church bell to ring.

Ray and the Hunchback of The Amazing Race

Back at the caves, Meredith and Gretchen emerged sans clue. They mistakenly thought that if they had crawled all the way through, they'd receive the clue. But no. The clues were underground. "Imagine if we fell here," said Meredith cockily before returning to the cave. Yes. Imagine. Well, about two seconds later, we saw Gretchen's head disappear behind a rock followed by what sounded like a pigeon dying. Turns out Gretchen had taken a nasty spill. Gretchen down! Gretchen down! The paramedics soon swooped in and we saw Gretchen in all her bloody glory. Honestly, she looked like a horror show as blood streamed down her face. "I've been wanting a face lift for a long time, " she said happily, causing Meredith to reply "Face lift? But I thought we agreed you'd do your boobs first, honey. Oh, you were joking? Um, never mind."

Well, the medics soon wrapped Gretchen up like a mummy and sent her packing. As she and Meredith headed for Soweto, she feared that she wouldn't be presentable for the market. So self conscious! Just because your head is wrapped in bandages, you've got dried blood on your face, and your shirt is covered with grease doesn't mean that you'll stick out. Check that. She'll look like an escaped mental patient. That's okay. I know how she felt. When I had my wisdom teeth taken out, I went into the pharmacy to get my painkillers, and with dried blood on my lips and cheeks rapidly swelling at an alarming pace, I kind of looked like a cannibal about to blow chunks. Needless to say, talking to the old lady at the pharmacy was incredibly embarrassing.

Meanwhile, Ron and Kelly and Brian and Greg finished up the Roadblock and headed to the orphanage to deliver the goods. The children screamed with delight as teams entered, but they were particularly happy to see Brian and Greg who ran in there as if they were rock stars. It was a sweet moment, even if it was a tad silly on the brothers' part. Outside the orphanage, Ron and Kelly got directions to the Pit Stop which was by a scenic overlook of... a mangy field and some dilapidated houses? Okay, it wasn't the prettiest place, but it was the former residence of Nelson Mandela, and that's got to count for something. Anyway, after getting directions from a local, Kelly raised her hand up in a "gimme five, up high!" gesture that was sadly not returned immediately, causing that awkward moment everyone dreads as your arm just dangles in the air. I half expected Kelly to bark "Come on, bro. Don't leave me hangin'! Show a sister some love!" Sadly, this didn't happen, but the guy did put her out of her misery, giving her a lame pity high-five.

High five! High five! Come on, this is getting awkward. High five!

The former beauty queen and POW arrived at the Pit Stop second where Phil chided them by saying "I've seen you guys look cleaner." Sorry PHIL. I guess they forgot to take a shower in between the transatlantic flight and the greasy cave spelunking. Besides, if he wants dirty, all he has to do is wait for Gretchen, aka Mummy Dearest.

Back at the market, dimwitted Amber seemed unable to locate any of the items on her Roadblock list. Yes, it can be so hard to find toys and shirts and towels in a market. They are such rare commodities. Luckily for her, another one of those "guardian angels" found her and offered help. Wow, with all these people offering up their services, you'd almost think these two were already famous. Oh wait...

Anyway, Ramber and their new friend moved on to the orphanage and then the Pit Stop where they came in fifth after Deana and Ray, Ron and Kelly, Brian and Greg, and Lynn and Alex. Rob and Amber were kind enough to share their Pit Stop moment with their guardian angel, but unfortunately, no BoSox hats were doled out as a thank you gesture. We never found out what happened to that random girl, but chances are she went home and was instantly ridiculed.

Hey look, it's King Tut, and he's shopping! Oh wait, it's just Gretchen. Never mind.

Hey, mummies have to shop too.

Remember Uchenna and Joyce? Well, they really didn't do much that was too remarkable this hour, but we knew the orphanage in South Africa would really hit home for them. Unfortunately, the moment was so rushed, the producers weren't able to get the full emotional response out of Uchenna and Joyce that they wanted (flashbacks to Gus crying in Africa last season. Wow, I'm already tearing up again). When the couple checked in, Phil was sure to ask Joyce how she felt about the orphanage, and sure enough, we got those waterworks. I could just imagine Phil off camera rubbing his palms together and laughing maniacally "Cry! CRY! LET THE SALT OF YOUR TEARS FEED MY SOUL!"

Anyhoo, Gretchen and Meredith arrived last, but I wasn't too concerned. This was, after all, the halfway mark on a two hour episode. Surely this would be a non-elimination round. Sure enough, it was. The couple had to hand over all their money, and in a new twist, fork over all their belongings too. Yes, Meredith and Gretchen had to lose everything except their passports and the clothes on their backs. Ouch, that's gotta hurt. Actually, it might not be that bad. Now they don't have to worry about heavy bags anymore. I guess it will really only hurt if they move to a cold climate or need to camp out by a door overnight. Yeah, they're pretty much screwed.

But would they be able to bounce back?

In an effort to not make this post any more of a novel, I'm going to end here and begin Part II of the evening in a new post. This is exciting, right? A blogging cliffhanger of sorts.

To Be Continued...

Posted by at 12:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (49)

Gollum

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Chick From The Grudge

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Constantine Maroulis

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 7:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Since today is shaping up to be anti-Constantine day at TVgasm, we've culled these screencaps from his embarrassing appearance on Elimidate. In case you haven't seen it, I highly recommend watching the clip here. Full size pics after the jump.

Constantine: the pasty, talentless Usher.

Constantine perfects his sexy image.

Yes, this guy just screams "Rock 'n' Roll!"

Posted by at 7:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Penny Marshall

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Artie Lange

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Constantine Maroulis

Posted by at 6:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Gizmo

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Effiminate Naked Statue

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Constantine Maroulis

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 2:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (17)

Go Away. Now.

Posted by at 2:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (44)

Bad news everyone. Apparently the standards for a terrorist attack have been greatly raised. After a day that's seen the Secretary of Defense abducted, a nuclear reactor melting down, an EMP going off, and even a train exploding pre-dawn, the terrorists on 24 STILL haven't put down their guns and martyred themselves. How are these attacks not good enough? I mean, a nuclear reactor melting down and spreading radioactivity throughout the region — that's considered a legitimate terrorist strike! Now let these poor CTU workers sleep, or, I don't know, maybe grab a milkshake at Mel's Diner.

Sadly, it's never that easy on 24. The bad guys always have a contingency plan which means more crazy antics every week. This time around, our old friend Behrooooooz returned to the spotlight as he became the centerpiece of some impromptu Habib Marwan scheme. No one ever likes to see a frightened kid, but somehow the dynamic duo of Curtis and Behrooz warmed my heart in ways that are fairly indescribable. I think it's time this odd couple got their own show. All they have to do is survive the day. Needless to say, it's not looking good for Behrooz.

The episode began with a swift response to all the conspiracy theorists who've been chattering since last Monday: Yes, Dina Araz is dead. CTU found her body in a van. So it's official, people. No more Shohreh. It's really a shame. Since January, she was probably one of the best, if not the best, actress on network television. If Fox doesn't manage to launch a successful Emmy campaign for her, well, then I'll be peeved. And no one likes to see me peeved.

Anyway, after some general discussions at CTU brought us back up to speed (yes, Jack is being held by Marwan; yes, the terrorists still have something up their sleeve; yes, The OC has been better the past few weeks), we returned to Mitch Anderson, a.k.a. the homicidal version of Eric Stoltz who seems to be infiltrating the Air Force unimpeded. Mitch was set to take off in a bomber, but wouldn't you know it? The tail light was out. Actually, it was far worse than that. There was a crack in a strut, I believe, meaning that the plane would most likely transform into a giant fireball upon landing (not that Mitch cared about that). A friendly mechanic informed Mitch that the repair would take about an hour, and then after that he'd be off to Ventura for some "R & R" (if you're thinking he meant "rest and relaxation", you'd be wrong. Apparently there's gonna be a huge Rita Rudner show. He's a fan). Sadly, we knew this smiley guy would be no match for faux-Stoltz, and moments later, Anderson shot him in the back, brutally ending a young actor's payday. It's okay though. I guarantee that wherever the mechanic was heading to in Ventura has most likely been destroyed by a mudslide. So you see, it's good that he died. That way he wouldn't be disappointed.

Back at CTU, Audrey was still hanging around the company infirmary/trauma unit, certainly dreading a feeding tube future for Paul. While she fretted, Michelle and Tony debated whether or not tell her that Jack was missing. Tony wanted to, noting that she has a right to know, but Michelle was more reluctant. I suppose now would be one of those moments to tell Audrey a CTU white lie, yes? Well, Michelle didn't have much time to think of one because seconds later, Audrey materialized right in front of her. "Jack is missing," blurted out Michelle. Nice cover-up, Michelle. She then added, "Did I say that? I meant, Jack is missing a... a... tooth! Jack is missing a tooth!" She and Tony then laughed uncomfortably and offered Audrey a muffin and two free tickets to "Mamma Mia!" just to get out of their hair.

Actually, that didn't happen. Instead, Michelle simply informed Audrey that her other love of her life was at the mercy of the terrorists. Tough day for Aud. Maybe she should step into a CTU holding cell and get tortured just to top it off.

Luckily for Audrey, she just so happened to be dating the closest thing we have to a superhero out there. At that very moment, the oft bound-and-gagged Jack was handcuffed to a railing, trying so very hard to fix his situation. Habib Marwan, fresh from his Dr. Evil class, approached him and boasted about his accomplishments for the day (note my opening paragraph). Jack flat out rejected Marwan's claims, saying that the American people are strong willed, and we won't remember the deaths of today but instead how we defeated the terrorists and rah rah rah Go Team! Honestly Jack, let's not overlook that meltdown. That's some pretty grim shit. Besides, the last thing you want to do is make the terrorist take out another target just for pure machismo purposes.

Somewhere around this time, a random bearded man with a penchant for exposition approached Habib and informed him that they had a problem. Remember that military pilot whose family bit it last episode? Well, some neighbor or relative checked in on the fam, found the dead bodies, and, you guessed it, called the police. Uh oh spaghetti-oh. The last thing these terrorists need is for something to go wrong. Again. An LAPD report could be just enough to stop Mitch Anderson and whatever nefarious plans he has up his sleeve. Habib decided he would have to distract CTU so that the LAPD report would fall the bottom of the department priority list. But how could they divert their attention? Hmmm... Maybe crosswords? I can just imagine it: Habib tenting his fingers while Edgar searches for a five letter word to describe Chilean pottery. Habib would then laugh and say "The only thing better than doing the New York Times crossword is finishing the New York Times crossword! Am I right people? Now, who knows a four letter word that's used in fencing'?"

Actually, Marwan decided to nix the whole crossword idea in favor of a more visceral plan. He asked Jack who CTU had in custody. Uh oh. This won't be good for Behrooz. Personally, I didn't know why Marwan was going through such trouble for his distraction. It's not like CTU is the bastion of clear thinking. Let's not forget all the staff turnover due to suicides and accidental torture. Edgar and Chloe meanwhile were doing nothing to dispel the notion that CTU wasn't a well-oiled machine. The two computer oddballs went at it like snarling poodles as they battled for superiority. Turns out Chloe thought she was still Edgar's boss, but sometime between her firing and Edgar's saving the entire country, he got a promotion. When Chloe claimed that Edgar works for her, he retorted "I worked. Worked. With an 'ED' at the end." He then went on to add, "Now I have a lot of actheth to thtuff. Did you hear me? Actheth - with an 'eth' at the end. If you underthtand me, say yeth."

Still, despite his insistence on having the higher position, Chloe continued to whine to any authority figure who would listen. "Edgar works for me!" she complained in what was shaping up to be one of the best CTU power squabbles EVER. Alas, Chloe was shot down and with her patented scowl, she returned to her desk, ready to deliver all her passive aggressive might onto Edgar.

Edgar however seems to have earned a little niche for himself as the CTU receptionist, fielding calls from everyone, including Habib Marwan himself. Was it just me, or was he completely too blasé about the fact that the most dangerous terrorist in the country was on the phone with him. And another thing, if Habib is so powerful and strong, why does he call the lowly computer guy instead of the CTU director's personal line? It's like calling the White House janitor to reach the Oval Office.

Well, Habib got on the phone with Michelle and informed her that he wanted to trade Jack for Behrooz. The big plan? To fashion a wig from Behrooz's curly fro to cover up Marwan's unsightly baldness. That's at least what I would have surmised. Needless to say, I'm not a government super agent. Unfortunately for Behrooz, Marwan asking for him led CTU to believe the poor kid had information that was actually valuable (silly CTU. It was only red herring!). Anyway, if it's information you need, CTU's always got a plan. Curtis, rev up the Torture-Tron 2000! Yes, it had been a good two episodes since we had seen any significant torture; so why not go after another innocent person? Minor prediction: Behrooz will crumble under the mighty hand of Curtis.

Everyone at CTU met in the boardroom to discuss a plan, and as the various workers dispersed to tackle the logistics of the Behrooz/Jack exchange, Audrey cornered Tony and began assaulting him with questions. Where is Jack? They want to trade him for Behrooz? How will that happen? Will Jack be safe? Good god WOMAN! Just go to the meeting next time!

Anyway, our orphan Behrooz sat anxiously in his chamber, waiting to be released. He kind of looked like a trapped bunny — scared, nervous, and fluffy (it's the hair, really). As predicted, he was a total mess at the hands of Curtis. You know, he's been through a lot today. First his mom kills his girlfriend. Then his dad sends a guy to kill him. Then his dad tries to kill him on his own. Then he actually has to kill his dad. And now his mom his dead (although he doesn't know it) and a big man with a scary voice is torturing him. Man. It's a bad day to be Behrooz.

Meanwhile, that inconvenient LAPD report about the military pilot's dead family finally surfaced at CTU, but unfortunately, our techies were in the middle of a stupid feud. Edgar tried to offload the report to Chloe, but she pulled a little "I'm not the boss. This isn't my responsibility." As a result, some pleasant girl named Meg got stuck with the police report, and she was none too happy. Listen Meg. Just do your job and be happy you haven't gone the way of other CTU computer experts: dead (or mourning a dead family member/friend. What's up Adam, Edgar, and Chloe).

Hey, remember Mitch Anderson? Well, since we last left him, he'd disposed of the mechanic's body, jumped into his uniform and assumed his identity. The shapeshifter assassin reported to some military guy that the plane was all ready to go. The supervisor was a bit suspicious, but Mitch flashed a grin and handed over a full report. He then added, "By the way, if you don't mind, I know I'm only a mechanic, but I'm going to hop in and fly away in the plane. Mmmkay?"

At CTU, Chloe left her busy desk to bring some forms to Audrey. We must all send the writers some thank you notes as we once again were given the gift of yet another incredibly awkward scene as Chloe yammered on about Paul being injured and Jack being lost and how hard it must be for Audrey. "Just SHUT UP!" Audrey seemed to want to say, but instead she quietly told Chloe to zip it. "I was inappropriately blunt, wasn't I?" said Chloe in what I think was the very first unabashedly obvious comedy line in the history of 24. I mean, they've had funny lines before, but never with such sitcom zest. Bravo. Bravo.

Later, Chloe and Edgar went at it again, this time after he asked her for help on something. Chloe simply snapped that what he needed done was something that the boss should be doing, and "isn't that what you think you are?" To which Edgar replied "I don't need your tharcasm!" You know, these two should just make out already. Hey, random aside: remember last year when Chloe turned out to have a baby under her desk? Man, that was ridiculous.

With the Behrooz trade impending, Division sent in a new bureaucrat to aid Michelle. His name was Bill Buchanan, and surely he exists solely to be the next great CTU asshole. Clearly Michelle couldn't be the sole authority figure in the office. We have to like her. Personally, I think they should bring back Driscoll. Alberta Watson seemed to be the only actor willing to make the CTU bureaucrat NOT a ridiculous caricature. Well, Xander Berkley's Mason from the first two seasons was pretty good too. Anyway, CTU made an official decision to trade Behrooz for Jack -- with any luck, the boy will lead them to Marwan, they rationalized. Methinks not.

As for Jack, he was futzing around with wires in his holding cell. A few guards came in to load him up in a van, but as usual, he kicked viciously and managed to take them all down. Unfortunately, more guards came and ended his little kicking spree, but hey, it was a good try, Jack. Not all was lost though. As Jack was dragged out of the room, we saw that a few wires in the wall had been cut. Oh, what tricky antics was Jack up to now??

Hey, remember Meg? Well, turns out there's a reason why she's working in the CTU basement. She's an idiot. She went through the LAPD records and found the flagged military homicides, but when Edgar told her to bring the report up to him, she copied the files onto an unlabeled CD. Bitch, use a Sharpie! To make matters worse, our techie ingenue left the CD on top of Edgar's gigantic stack of other blank discs. It's just begging to get lost. Way to go, MEG.

As the swap approached, Curtis needed to prep Behrooz. This was done by implanting two tracking devices under Behrooz's skin. Yowsahs! "Does my mother know about this?" Behrooz asked.

"Yes," replied Curtis stone-faced, adding "Well, she's going to be with us. I mean that spiritually. She's dead." Actually, Curtis didn't say that, but it didn't really matter. Behrooz was about to have the adventure of a lifetime. Once again, Habib called CTU via Edgar ("Hello, Thee-TU") and announced that he wanted to do the exchange on top of a dam. Moments later, Curtis and Behrooz were in a van driving to the "exposure point". You know, Curtis's steely facade and Behrooz's scared innocence really mesh well. I'd like to see them on their own spin-off show, driving around the country and making wrongs right. It would be like Walker Texas Ranger meets Highway to Heaven. I think.

Anyway, somewhere around here Marwan's cellphone rang, and I couldn't help noticing his extremely cheery, effeminate ringtone. Is he like a Jamster fanatic? Does he have a cellphone wallpaper that's like Sprewell rims spinning ("Bling Bling Rims", if you will)? I half expected Habib to turn to a henchman and say "You like this ringtone? It's Omarion's latest single. I believe it's called 'O'. It's quite catchy. Anyway, I got to take this. Terrorist stuff."

After much hype, the exchange finally took place, despite the fact that Behrooz felt scared. Just when the ragamuffin was in the terrorists hands, a sniper took aim at Jack, ready to take him out. Then suddenly, a CTU gunman shot out and saved Jack! Wow! A CTU security detail that actually provides security! We knew those perimeters would work someday!

Unfortunately for Behrooz, the terrorists found the tracking devices on him in about, oh, ten seconds (great plan, CTU. Whose came up with that idea anyway? MEG?). His captors told Behrooz his mom was dead and about two seconds later shoved a knife into the back of his neck. Don't worry though. They were only scraping out a tracking device. Our puffy haired kiddo was still alive. The bad news out of all this though was that Marwan managed to successfully distract CTU away from the LAPD report, which, despite a few moments of hope, were sadly ignored by Edgar. This meant that as we approached the cliffhanger, Mitch Anderson was able to board his bomber and prepare for takeoff. The good news though is that those wires Jack cut helped CTU find Marwan's location. Oh, but will he still be there? Those terrorists are quite wily! Next week Fox says a twist will happen so big, IT WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING. I'm putting my money on Mitch Anderson taking down the Prez. After all, if 24 is willing to knock off an Academy Award nominated actress, surely they'll have no problem doing away with a guy whose previous track record includes That ’80s Show and Unhappily Ever After, a show that had him talking to a puppet voiced by Bobcat Goldthwait.

What do you think? Is it curtains for Behrooz?

Posted by at 2:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

[Providing coverage of The Bachelor this season is jadedbitch.]

I was very gunshy about watching another season of the Bachelor/Bachelorette series after the last catastrophe known as Jen Schefft. However, I was persuaded by friends to tune in to Monday night's premiere, when the fledgling program decided to enlist the help of fledgling actor Charlie O'Connell to help inject some life into its already six feet under franchise. Or perhaps it was the other way around? For those who don't already know, this round of The Bachelor stars the younger brother of actor Jerry O'Connell.

Some of Jerry's credits include: Stand By Me, the TV show My Secret Identity, Jerry Maguire, Tomcats, and who can forget the Fox series Sliders? Yeah, he's kinda b-list, but then what does that make Charlie? C-list? D? E? F? Some of Charlie's credits include: ....er,...we'll get back to this.

The gaggle of girls poised to throw themselves at the bachelor include Kara (a 26 yo MILF!), Kindle, not to be confused with kindling, Krisily, not to be confused with... prissily, Kristina, not to be confused with Kristine, Kristine, not to be confused with Kristina, Kyshwan, she's one of the only non-white folk on the show so there's no reason for you to confuse her with anyone, and last but not least in the KKK category, Kimberly, a bit of a hooch who hails from none other than Edmonton, Alberta, CANADA! Alright, Edmonton, representin! (Yes, I'm Canadian.)

But wait, what's this? Another Edmontonian on the show? WTF! This Jenny ain't from the block, nay, she too is from Edmonton! For the Canada illiterates, Edmonton is located in the province (we don't have states) of Alberta, which is right next to British Columbia, which is... oh never mind. Edmonton is a bit of a hole and its only claim to fame is this gigantic mall aptly named the West Edmonton Mall, and it boasts a water park, a theme park, and multiple outlets of the same store. Other than that, the city is known for its amazingly long and cold winters. Even Jenny slags it in her bio by saying the reason she can't meet a man is cause she lives in Edmonton!

Other girls on parade include Brenda who describes herself as foxy, but comes off more as boxy and Sarah B., the resident Bible-thumper. Yay, religion! Another Canadian infiltrating the scene is Debby from Thornhill, Ontario. Even I don't know where that is. What's with all these smalltown Canadian girls making it onto national American television? We then have Gina Marie, who is not to be confused with Teena Marie, though I bet the two of them could whip out a great rendition of Lovergirl. "I just want to be your lovergurrrrl!" If that won't win the Bachelor's heart, then I don't know what will.

They're trying to spice things up this season. Twist #1 is that there are no limos and no dressy gowns ˆ the Bachelor wants to meet the girls as is, therefore we shall wake them all up at 8:30am and give them a mere five minutes to get ready! Wow, this show is crazy! Some of those girls haven't even unplugged their vibrators yet! What will they think of next?

We were treated to scenes of the ladies getting dressed, brushing their teeth, and then running down the halls of the hotel to get to the big meeting room in time. One girl put on her bikini before doing her 5 minute sprint, while others barely had time to put on their underwear! I personally liked the girl who admitted to not having showered the day before! Yay to no showering!! "I don't run for men," uttered Danushka, the fashion model from LA, who strolled down the halls in her heels and shades. Show her a vial of cocaine however, and she's doing a marathon!

The girls all met host Chris Harrison who told them to expect the unexpected and that this season will be totally different from any other. You mean it might actually be good? Cut to a home video of Charlie talking about why he's doing the Bachelor and oh, meet my semi-famous brother that I LIVE WITH. WTF!?

After the video montage, Charlie comes out to meet the gals, who all sigh and swoon over him. I actually don't find him that good looking or great. How do they pick these women to make sure they would actually like him? Oh right, they all checked off "Desperate" on the application form.

We were then treated to a session of speed dating. No, it's not where you both do a hit of speed and then go have sex. Speed dating is when the girls had two minutes each to talk to Charlie and to try to make a good impression. Oh, and did we mention that two roses were up for grabs, ensuring the recipients' safety? Let the parade of pussy begin!

Anitra was the first to arrive, starting the two minute affair by announcing she hadn't showered yet. Great. That'll get you a rose. (Insert Napoleon Dynamite going, "God! Idiot!" here.) More girls filed in but it was good ol' Kimberley from Edmonton who sat on his lap with her shirt open and cans popping out. They played a cheesy game of Santa and Mrs. Claus and then time was up before he could even unwrap his candy cane for her to lick. Siomara arrived and the two spent most of the time trying to get Charlie to pronounce her name correctly. This was followed by an impromptu Spanish lesson to which Charlie looked at her and said, "Hola." He then continued with, "Burrito? Taco? Chimmichanga?"

The first rose was given to Sarah W. who showed off her rollerblading scar and spider bites to win his heart. With that hairdo, she reminds me of Hilary Duff's older sister. You know, the one who sang that song with her for that movie. That one. Kristine tried to get a rose by stripping down to her bikini and then sitting down and reading him a poem that went something like this:

Who are you Mr Bachelor? I want to meet you. My heart beats with anticipation. Why must we be kept isolated? Adventure, intimacy, beauty. Are you ready?

Moving on. Geitan sauntered in clucking like a chicken, something she picked up from a farm in Northern Alberta. Whoa, Big Ups to Alberta! The two then engaged in an odd contest revolving around monkey noises. Bible thumper Sarah B. showed up to give him a lahmaze lesson with the two shouting out, "Push! Push!" I'm sure Sarah B. had never said that to a man before.

Rose No. 2 was delivered to 32 year old Kerry, who wowed him with stories about riding horses on a farm and watersports. That's sailing, not pee play.

Host Chris Harrison arrived to inform Charlie about the second Twist - he had to get rid of 5 girls immediately. Sent packing were Kristina, Heather, boxy Brenda, Thornhill Ontario's Debby, and Katie. It was nice to see that the "Don't nix the minority in the first episode" clause was still alive and kicking in the ABC contract, as Kyshwan (not to be confused with Szechuan) managed to escape getting cut.

The women who were left made their way to their home in New York, only to discover they had to share a giant room stacked with bunk beds. Top Model this is not. Where was Tyra and her multi-theme-roomed lofts when you needed her?

It was group date time! There was to be three of them, and on each date only a certain number of girls could attend, and Charlie had two roses to give out during each group session. It was up to the girls to decide who would go on what date. Hmm, leaving it up to a roomful of bitches to decide in a civil manner who would get to go on a date with the Bachelor? That'll happen. Oh and did we mention that the rules are: there are no rules? Bring it!

The first date was at a local pool hall, and five girls were chosen to go. However, crafty Kindle had other plans up her skirt. She rushed downstairs before anyone else and greeted Charlie at the door, therefore managing to get herself invited on the date. This bumped Carrie off the date, who wasn't as bitchy or mad as I would be if this happened to me.

At the poolhall, Charlie managed to enforce the fact that white men can't dance. That is, straight white men who still live with their B-list actor brothers. Kindle managed to snag a rose, which will no doubt miff Carrie once they return home. Surprisingly, she took it well once again and instead, looked forward to going on the second group date with Charlie, which was that evening at a local club.

"A lot of them are easy on the eyes," Charlie told the camera, paused, and then continued with, "A lot of them aren't easy on the ears." Not sure who he was talking about, but it might've been model/secret agent/bad poet bikini girl Kristine.

Back at the house things were a brewin' when discussion turned to how Siomara chose people to go on the second group date. She had been the one to answer the phone when Charlie called, so she took it upon herself to choose who got to go on the date. Apparently, Siomara had told Gina Marie she would be chosen to go on the date but in the end, wasn't. The rest of the girls fed Gina Marie some wine and then encouraged her to go and crash the second group date! Cody from Survivor then appeared in the corner of the screen shouting, "You go girl!"

Gina Marie arrived at the club much to the girls' chagrin. Krisily didn't mind so much since she had earned herself a rose earlier in the date by offering up her body as Charlie's personal drinking platform. Watch out Krisily, the rose might be prickly. Charlie then did a little speech to the camera about how he had more girls than Hugh Hefner, but all I could make out was some drunken mumbling. We cut back to the club where Geitan was singled out for not having her five minutes alone with Charlie yet. This sent Geitan spiraling into a nervous breakdown as she proclaimed that she wanted to leave and remove herself from the show. "This isn't me," she said. "I want to leave while I still have my dignity." Dignity, you say? I think clucking like a chicken and having a monkey call contest had already pushed you way over that dignity line, Geitan. She then proceeded to burst into tears in front of everyone about how uncomfortable the whole situation was and rambled about not wanting to offend anyone, blah blah blah. Dignity indeed.

Volleyball and rock climbing set the scene for the third group date. This meant a lot of bouncing balls and I ain't talking about the volleyball game. Kimberly, what did they feed you up in Alberta? Must've been that Grade A Canadian beef! Whatever it is, it definitely earned her a rose. The other Miss Edmonton, Jenny, also got a rose during the date. He said it was the most easy going conversation he's had yet. Ooh I hope both these girls make it to the end as I'm salivating at the thought of a home visit to Deadmonton!

The rose ceremony brought about Twist # 3 with the girls being able to speak their mind to Charlie and to each other. But before they could get to that, there was one more surprise. With deluded dignity intact, Geitan had decided to return to the program! You can't do that! Quit and then come back? What do you think this is, The Apprentice?

She returned and explained that she felt uncomfortable at the club during the date, and that it was sleazy and trashy. The girls fought back and defended their provocative dancing, saying it wasn't trashy and that they believed Geitan left because she knew she wouldn't get a rose. Sarah B. then piped up to try and shed her Christ-loving image by proclaiming that she loves to go out and have a good time.

The claws came out even further when Danushka asked Charlie point blank if Krisily got the rose because of the body shot she allowed him to lick off her. Charlie responded with a negative and called Danushka out on being a fraud for wearing sunglasses to their speed date. (Note to Danushka: Donnatella called and wants her fake accent back.) Krisily then tried to defend her barroom body shot by saying that just because she allowed it to happen, it didn't make her a bitch. Danushka replied with, "That doesn't make you a bitch. It makes you a slut." Zinger!

Receiving roses were: Sarah B., Kara, Carrie, Gina Marie (whom he called Gina Maria which sounds like some foreign STD), and Megan. Kristine, not having received a rose, turned into a blubbering mess crossed with a menacing psycho goth chick. She wanted to let Charlie know she'd still be thinking of him and no doubt writing more godawful poetry.

Meanwhile, Geitan continued her ride through the revolving door, as she too did not receive a rose. Who knows? Perhaps she'll come back again next week and surprise us all! And as for that "Don't nix the minority in the first episode" rule in the contract? As we're beginning to learn this season: there are no rules! How did you find the first Bachelor episosde this season?

Posted by at 12:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (24)

1990's Court TV superstar Johnny Cochran is dead. Drudge Report is the first to report, no further news at this time.

Johnny will be long remembered as co-star of the TV show THE OJ SIMPSON TRIAL, which aired for over a year on all major networks, Court TV, Fox News and CNN.

Initial cause of death appears to be karma.

DEVELOPING...

In other News....OJ SIMPSON let out a big sigh of relief today.

UPDATE - Family Statement

The Cochran familiy released a statement revealing ..."the family of Attorney Johnnie L. Cochran, Jr. and members of The Cochran Firm are deeply saddened by the passing of Johnnie L. Cochran, Jr." This was a shocking 180 from the not terribly expected "Finally!"

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 3:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (46)

Sometimes, it is hard to put a finger on why you love a television show. For instance, take the case of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Inferno II. What does it have to offer that other reality shows don't have? It's not new and original characters, because the same people are recycled. It's not new and exotic locations, because they are in Mexico, the Caribbean, or some backwoods place nobody wants to be anyway. It's surely not for the competitions, because many, many shows have much more interesting stuff going on. I don't think it's the host. Dave Mirra might be able to do a 540 double tail whip, but he is no Phil or Jeff Probst. No, the thing that sets Bunim/Murray apart is the possibility that at any moment in time, any one of the people on the show will simply break down and go crazy.

Last week, a lot of shit happened to Beth. Again, she sucks, but it is really horrible to have to participate on a team when nobody else wants you around. She may not be athletically gifted, and she is the oldest, but the only reason any of her teammates want her gone is their own insecurities. As long as they all believe she is the worst player, nobody else can them the worst player. It works for everybody, doesn't it?

When faced with this type of betrayal from your own teammates, you have a few choices. One way is to sit and take it, and resign to your fate. Another way is to go down in flames, and vow to take as many people with you. This latter method is how Beth chooses to play the rest of the game, and for that, I'll have to say thank you. Since these challenges involve money, if Beth sticks around and is truly out to sabotage her own team, there is little they can do to stop her, right? It's the other team that chooses who goes in the Inferno.

Well, not quite. There is always the lifesaver. One is awarded to each team, and so if they can somehow fix the lifesaver competitions, they can always find a way to get Beth into the Inferno. Fixing missions is nothing new. I always believe that fixing these competitions is one of the worst things to happen, and always makes watching the show very obnoxious. In the last Inferno, the Road Rules team continually tried to get rid of Katie, but she was always able to come back. As much as I want Beth to mess shit up, I don't think she has much chance to go into the Inferno and come back alive like the lovely Ms. Doyle did so often.

Anyway, Beth calls out Abe about fixing the game, and he denies that there was any discussion like that. Once again, Abram can't stand up when somebody calls him out on his behavior. Although he likes to pretend he hated putting the fix in to get rid of Katie last year, he was one of the people who was really hamming it up while the Real World[that should be Road Rules team. thanks Penny] team was bailing on the competition. If he didn't like fixing the loss so badly, you would think he wouldn't have had so much fun rubbing it into Katie's face.

Our competition this week was called Run for Your Money. 10 bags filled with $1000 would be dropped from a helicopter at a predetermined interval. Some of the bags were filled with singles, some with fives, and some with twenties. The team that collected the most money would win, and the individual person on each team who collected the most money among their team would win the lifesaver.

As noted before, the Bad Asses decided to throw the mission. They wanted to get rid of Beth so badly, they all decided that they would stuff Tina with as much money as she could carry. If they got her out of the Inferno, they would simply insert Beth, and since she sucks she would lose, and their team would be happy once more. As crazy as it sounds that they had all of this money dropped on them, it was kind of a lackluster competition. People were running around and chasing after the money, but there wasn't nearly as much mayhem as I was expecting there to be. Nobody really smashed into each other, or pushed other out of the way, or tried to steal any money from them. In fact, other than the Bad Asses stuffing Tina to what looked like twice her already prominent girth, there didn't seem to be any strategy whatsoever from any team.

When Robin saw what the other team was doing for Tina, she immediately had a dejected look on her face. She really bought into this idea that the Bad Asses loved Tina so much, they didn't want to see her go. Robin wondered why her team didn't like her so much as to fix the game for her. Eventually, she told Jaime and Shavonda what was going on with the other team, and those two decided they would try and help out Robin. When Mike finds this out, he sort of complains. I think it sucks, but it is a valid strategy. Then again, you have to think what would be in it for Jaime and Shavonda. Unlike the Bad Asses, there is no consensus person who would get sent to the Inferno if Robin was saved. Jaime and Shavonda would likely get picked, and although you could argue that they would try and get rid of Jodi or Julie, why even take that chance? Because they are girls, and it sucks to hurt other people's feelings.

Man oh man, I am not sure who came up with this twist, but it was absolutely beautiful. A very small change, but a change that completely affected the game, and actually slightly penalized a player who had more money, since they would have more to count accurately. It basically smacked the Bad Asses across the face for their strategy. They thought that they could fix the game for Tina and still win, but they were wrong.

So the counting commenced. It doesn't really take that long to count money, but the teams were also supposed to bind all of the money neatly and rubber band it. It seems like a short time, but the money wasn't real, and so it was color coded, meaning that people could count by color and not denomination. Still, when you saw the huge wads of cash Tina had to go through, you knew it wasn't going to be easy, and then you have to factor in how high you think Tina can count, and well, you get the picture.

The counting requirement was great news for the Good Guys, but if Robin wanted to save herself, she was also going to have to count accurately, and she also had a lot of extra money thanks to the people helping her out. In the end, neither Robin or Tina one the life shield, having been wrong with their counting by 7 and 10 dollars. Mike won it for the Good Guys and Derrick won it for the Bad Asses. Since the Bad Asses put so much money into Tina's hands, her money didn't count towards the total. Since more of the Good Guys counted on their own, they ended up winning 881 to 619. It was also their first competition win and the first $10,000 to go into their bank account.

With all of the great schemes having failed, Robin and Tina were headed to the Inferno. As matchups go, this one seemed pretty even if you were doing a tale of the tape, but the intangibles I would have to give to Tina. She is annoying, loud, and unattractive, but if she wants to get nasty, she can get nasty. This week's Inferno challenge was called "Sack Attack". Each person would get tied into a harness. That harness was attached to a bag that was equal to half of that person's body weight. The contestants would then drag themselves along a sandy pit until they reach the edge of the Inferno cage. Once there, they had to use a key to unlock themselves from their harness. The first person to free themselves would win, sending the other person home.

Like I said before, this seemed like a pretty fair challenge. Both of these ladies aren't exactly svelte, and Robin is carrying probably 10 more pounds of boobage than somebody her size normally would. When the challenge started, it looked like Robin was going to pull ahead quickly, but then she slowed down. Tina eventually caught up, and then stormed ahead by getting low and using her hands and arms as much as her legs to get her through the deep sand. In the end, Tina destroyed Robin, who didn't even make it to the edge before she was eliminated.

Even though it was sad to see Robin go, that was not nearly the most exciting part of this week's episode. Beth and her vendetta against her team is going to be something to see. Now perhaps all of what we have seen up to this point is simply hype, and her team manages to get rid of her in the next challenge or two, but it is going to be fun to figure out. Beth has already moved on from her beef with Tonya, and called out Veronica at the end of the show. Now, I didn't think her smack talk amounted to anything that great (You've won all the time, You would sell your family up the river to win), all of the housemates heard it and let out with the "Aaawwwws" and "Daaayummms" and the "Ooooohs", so hopefully there will be more bad blood festering as the weeks progress.

Posted by at 8:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (18)

Well, I've been tardy again. For some reason, I never am able to get these Survivor recaps out in a timely fashion. Thankfully, this season has been fairly predictable: Ulong starts off sad, gets their hopes up, loses immunity, and sends someone home. So even if my recaps are a bit late, chances are you can figure out what happened without having read or seen anything. The good news is that while this season's certainly been lacking in the scheming department, the characters have been colorful and Jeff Probst has been particularly ornery. That's got to count for something.

This week's episode began with what else? A crab scampering in the dark. What pray tell was this busy little crustacean up to? By the looks of it, he seemed to be transporting a rock, a symbolic action that represented the ever toiling Ulong Tribe as it returned to camp dejected and weary. In the previous episode, Ulong had to sit through three different votes: one to grant immunity (that went to Ibrehem, or "Ib"), one to kick of a tribe member (that was a draw), and one to serve as a tiebreaker (bye, Angie!).

"That may have been the craziest Tribal Council I've ever been to," said Ibrehem, adding "I actually had to speak! What's up with that? Shit, I've already said too much for today." Ibrehem then pursed his lips and refused to answer any more of the producers' questions.

With the Ulong tribe down to four people, it was time to adopt a new strategy. Luckily, Stephenie had a plan. "Not only do we need to have great listening skills," she started, before being rudely interrupted.

"Yeah, everybody needs to listen," interjected James, clearly not listening to Stephenie.

But she battled on, trying to make her point heard: "I mean—"

"Keep your ears open and listen to your teammate!" advised James. Okay, this whole "listening" thing is probably not going to work out. The key is when you want to "hear" what your teammate has to say, you've got to actually "shut up" for a second and let her "finish" her sentence.

By now though we should know that James, while colorful, is also sort of an idiot. Plus his nose has become more triangular with each passing episode. Anyway, he immediately bashed Ibrehem, telling the gentle giant that he was supposed to go, not Angie. Luckily, Bobby Jon had Ib's back. "We didn't win the beef stew. Whatever," he moaned, noting that the game was more than some crappy bowl of chum. Bobby then caught a minnow with his giant fishing spear and then sighed, "Yeah, that beef stew probably would have been nice."

The next morning, we were treated to a random montage of Ibrehem praying. A closeup of a tattoo revealed that he was Muslim, but interestingly enough, CBS was sure to not actually spell it out, lest Middle America revolt and switch over to Joey. Yes, there's no telling how all the Toby Keith fans would react when discovering that the most soft-spoken cast member of the season believes in Islam. I mean, that's crazy talk! What are they trying to do? Debunk stereotypes???

Nevertheless, we'd already spent too much time with the losers at Ulong. It was time to move on to Koror, but we had a feeling all was not well on Home Depot beach. A wayward bird snatching a fish from the surf suggested that maybe, just maybe, it was time for Koror to crumble. Or at least go fishing. Drama at the tribe, however, was mild to indiscernible. However, there were some grumblings about Katie, as usual. While everyone was out gathering wood, fetching water, or helping the camp in general, our resident whiner sat by the picnic table and made necklaces. "Today was craft day," announced Coby in an interview, quickly revising his statement to only apply to Katie. Ah yes, could this finally be judgment day for Katie?

While there may not have been a lot of drama at Koror, there at least was some comedy. Puppet comedy, to be specific. Coby, fresh from bashing his lazy teammate, allied with Katie to put on a sock puppet show which probably wouldn't have amused anyone normally, but hey, when you're stuck without a TV, anything will suffice. Amazingly, Katie pulled of a funny as she screetched, "I'm Bobby Jon. I love everyone. I look like Jesus Christ." Okay, that was pretty good. Katie gets ten seconds of appreciation. [pause] Okay, now we can hate her again.

By the way, now that about five minutes have passed on the show, has anyone noticed how much weight these people have lost? Yes, this is officially the "skinny episode" —  the installment when you take a step back and notice how thin these survivors have become. Coby, Stephenie, Tom, and Ibrehem all seem to have shed quite a good amount of weight. In other news, Kirstie Alley has applied for next season of Survivor.

I wonder who's been hoarding all the food at Koror...

Anyway, at Koror, Katie finally got off her ass and fetched the tree mail. She returned to camp happy and annoying. "Guess what's on the tree mail?" she asked with grating perkiness. She continued: "It starts with a 'P' and ends with a 'ul'!" Everyone at the camp merely stared blankly at this odd hybrid of the Early Bird and Grimace, hoping she'd maybe die in the next ten seconds.

"PRINGLE!" Katie yelled, happily solving the tricky riddle she had put forth. There were polite smiles all around as everyone sighed, "Pringle. Oh..." I half expected Caryn to muttering "I'll Pringle you, you dumb, lazy, no good..." Turns out the random presence of this most delectable chip was a precursor to the reward challenge which promised the winning team a snack of Pringles followed by a snorkeling adventure in a lake of benign jellyfish. Yes, that's just the way I'd want to spend the afternoon: chips and jellyfish (that incidentally was the title of the episode).

Probst called both teams into the challenge area and revealed that Angie had been voted off. Clever Mark Burnett then cut to Coby shrugging off the news about his former ally. The first inklings of an anti-Coby portrayal? We shall see. Nevertheless, in the challenge, members from each tribe had to shoot an old gun at various hanging tiles. The first tribe to take out all the other team's tiles would win. It was a fairly standard mission, but for some reason it was so damn exciting. Maybe that's because in the end, it came down to a sudden death situation. Yeah, actually, that's entirely what it was. Amazingly, Ulong managed to win the whole shebang, thanks to Stephenie. "Pretty good with that gun!" said Probst, adding "Now wanna try this one?" Jeff then dropped his pants and pointed to his groin. "Julie doesn't have to know," he purred seductively. Actually, that didn't happen, but Stephenie did rock the challenge. It should be noted that James managed to not hit a single tile, making that about seven challenges where he's failed completely.

After the challenge was over, Ulong boarded some outriggers and paddled out to a Japanese boat where they each received their own can of Pringles. But these weren't just any Pringles. These were those nifty Survivor Trivia Pringles! The foursome sat around and quizzed themselves with the various questions. Things became awkward though when Stephenie pulled out a chip and asked "Which tribe has lost the most immunities in a row, therefore cementing its reputation as the most pathetic team in franchise history?" Wow, who would have thought Pringles would be so on top of this season's trivia?

Next Ulong journeyed up to a lake whose reigning population was thousands of jellyfish who have lost their necessity and ability to sting. As we watched the Survivors swim amongst the invertebrate flotsam, I couldn't help taking a moment to reflect. Not on life. But on Survivor. Ulong is pretty pathetic, but I have to admit, I totally back the lack of merge. I mean, think about it. With all these Ulong losses, the only thing that's happened at Koror is that they've become tighter. Without Tribal Councils, there's been no need to plant the seed of discontent. Truthfully, there's little to no chance that any of these Ulong people can break up those bonds, or at least enough of them to make it to the end. Therefore, if there were a merge, we'd have to sit through three or four boring episodes while we watch the remaining Ulong-ites get voted off. Without the merge though, we spend the episode wondering if maybe, just maybe, Ulong will be able to pull it out. Of course, they haven't been able to so far, but at least when it comes to voting, it's all finger pointing and chaos. So with that being said, I say bravo, Burnett. Way to keep this predictable season interesting. Are they done with the jellyfish yet?

Back at Koror, a nasty windstorm made sleeping a nightmare. No pun intended. Seriously. The next morning, Janu's mental health seemed to have been blown out to see overnight as she sunk into the hammock and cried. Tom tried to reassure her that she could make it through the Survivor experience, but our favorite showgirl/tree climber had little faith. "I don't have the strength," she cried, adding "Literally, I have no muscle left. I can barely use my tongue. And I'm losing that too. Wait. Waii. Yuh. I cahn't mohe wuh. Aw ow wuh uh uuuh." Tom then slapped her and dumped her out of the hammock.

Meanwhile, at Ulong, the tribe received their next piece of tree mail which happened to be a large trunk and some rope. Turns out this space saver chest, as its known on The Apprentice, held Koror's flag. Teams basically had to use the provided rope to fortify their footlockers with a series of knots. James immediately alerted his tribe that Koror would absolutely not be getting into the trunk. He was going to use a Navy knot that gets tighter and tighter the more you pull on it. News flash for James: the more you pull on any knot, the tighter it gets. Anyway, Ulong took James' lead and made the special knot. I'm sure they'll test it though to make sure this magical knot actually works. No? Okay, well, I'm sure they won't have any problems, especially after Steph tells us "I think we're gonna win!"

At the challenge, both teams arrived with their knotted up trunks. Probst told them they'd have twenty additional minutes to swim out to see and fetch three bundles of wood to further fortify the trunk. After the time was up, teams would switch sides and begin the task of getting into their trunks and retrieving their flags. Jeff started the challenge, and immediately, Koror sent three people out to the water. One person, meanwhile, stayed back and added more knots to the chest. Things at Ulong were a little different though. Stephenie and Bobby Jon swam out while Ibrehem waded halfway to the wood. I guess the plan was to pass the wood to him and then he'd take it to the chest while Steph and BJ swim out for more. It wasn't the most efficient, but whatever. James, meanwhile, stood by the chest and spent minute after minute trying to alter his toga. YOU IDIOT. Tie more knots!

Well, even though only two people from Ulong swam all the way out in the water, they still managed to get a good lead on Koror, building a massive woodpile very quickly. Meanwhile, we received quiet play-by-play from Coby who sat on the sidelines and said things like "This is so nerve-wrecking." He should be present for every challenge. Maybe his face just shows up in a bubble in the corner of the screen as we listen to his color commentary. Hell, it doesn't have to be Survivor only. Stick him on the Amazing Race. Or Big Brother. Or heck, Monday Night Football. It would just be amusing, dammit.

Anyway, things seemed to be going Ulong's way for once. The teams switched sides, and Koror faced immediate setbacks pulling apart their woodpile, allowing their chronically suffering opponents to take a significant lead. All seemed to be going well for Ulong as they cleared the wood away and attacked the knots. Unfortunately, Koror had managed to safeguard their box by, you know, tying extra knots instead of tending to their clothing. This meant that Ian, Janu, Jen, and Katie soon caught up, and before we knew it, both teams were unravelling the rope. Unfortunately, James's super-knot turned out to be as resilient as a bowl of spaghetti and within minutes, Koror was able to surpass their competition easily. Sure enough, Ulong lost the immunity, all thanks to James's lame ass knot. Who would have thought?

Back at camp, despite his terrible performance track record, James felt pretty sure that he was safe. "Bobby Jon won't vote for me," he told Stephenie. Of course, we all know what happens to people with such large amounts of hubris (they tend to get voted off. But who knows? Maybe this time will be different). Turns out Bobby Jon was planning on voting off James, simply because he thought James had voted for him in the previous Tribal Council. Granted, he had no hard evidence, but Bobby Jon did bring up a salient point: whoever wrote his name down, "it was male handwriting." Somebody call CSI! We've got a new detective!

Actually, that male handwriting was none other than Stephenie's (does that make her a lesbian now?). She had voted for Bobby J, but knowing that he was out for revenge, she wasn't going to volunteer that information. Instead, she lied and said she had voted for Angie. Bobby Jon believed it and brokered a deal with his masculine-scrawl buddy. If they vote off James this week, next week, they'll take out Ibrehem. Unfortunately for James, he had no idea this scheming was taking place. For all he knew, it was goodbye Ibrehem. "Ibrehem's outstayed his welcome," noted James. "He was meant to go last time, and by the grace of Allah he didn't go. Well, my god says he is today!" How charming. Bringing the guy's religious background into it. Gotta love the "us vs. them" mentality. It's really so helpful in keeping this world full of the idiotic dipshits we so love.

I tend to think Jeff Probst overheard this comment in the dailies because he was not happy with James at Tribal Council. "I'll tell you what," said James as he prepared to launch into some monologue.

"Tell me something!" snapped Probst, clearly lacking any respect for the resident hillbilly. Probst then lambasted the entire tribe for its weak performance, mocking Ibrehem's lazy performance during the immunity challenge. Probst then returned his rage onto James, saying "You sat back messin' with your skirt!" I don't really know why Jeff is so mad, but I did enjoy the emasculating use of "skirt". Probst then asked Bobby Jon if he trusted his tribe.

"If you can't trust 'em, you shouldn't be in a tribe with 'em. You can't have a tribe if you don't trust people," he said, adding "Tribes of trust are for people who trust tribes, and if you can't trust people in tribes, then tribes are trusts and not trust for people. Tribes tribes tribes trust people tribes trust."

When Bobby Jon was finished creating his very own proverb, the group finally wrote down their votes, and surprise surprise, it was a tie. Two votes for James; two votes for Ibrehem. Ah yes. Our second tied Tribal Council in a row. That always makes me happy. However, the gridlock soon ended as Stephenie flipped her vote and sent James home. Later, in the exit-interview, James complained, "It wasn't my time to go." Oh yeah? Where's your god now, country boy??? James then resigned to say, "My gut failed me." Again. Let's not forget the other times your gut failed you: you know, like every other EPISODE. James, here's a tip. Do like Homer Simpson. Whenever your gut tells you something, do the exact opposite. That might start with taking down the Confederate flag.

Posted by at 4:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (26)

I am sorry that I have not been very good with the tournament updates. After my favorite college team, Syracuse, lost in the first round, I partially lost interest in all my brackets (largely because I had them winning in almost all of them). When my alma mater, Dartmouth, lost in the first round of the Women's tournament, what was there left for me to watch? Well, just a ton of good basketball.

I think college sports comprise some of the greatest events in the country. I love college basketball, and especially the NCAA tournament. So when my team lost, I start rooting for the underdog, and the underdog did a lot of good things this year. Syracuse - gone. Kansas - gone. And that was just in the first couple of days. UCONN - gone. Wake Forest - gone. That was all just the first weekend.

This year the tournament has had many close games, and many overtimes. I thought I had as much excitement as I could take in one day when West Virginia and Wake took three overtimes, and then I dug in for this weekend's games. Oklahoma State and Arizona, Michigan State and Duke, North Carolina and Villanova. Could it seriously get any better?

Of course it could. Of the the games played to decide who would go from the Elite Eight to the Final Four, three of them went to overtime (one a double over time). One team came back from twenty points down, and another team came back from 14 down with four minutes left. Was the shot by Patrick Sparks to send Kentucky and MSU into overtime completely ridiculous or what (and by ridiculous, I mean ridiculously exciting)?

Hopefully next weekend's games will be just as enjoyable. A mini-update on the TVgasm Yahoo Tournament bracket comes after the jump.

Although my picks were quite weak (I was too sentimental with Syracuse, too quick to love the Big East, and too quick to hate the Pac-10), there have been a lot of people with fairly good picks out there. Here are the Million Dollar Gasm Top 10

A lot of great basketball, a lot of great upsets. Amazing Race isn't going to be in the way of the championship game, so you have no excuse not to watch.

Posted by at 10:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Last week was a tipping point of sorts for The OC this season. Perhaps all of the fans and critics had nothing to do with dragging the show out of the quagmire of lesbian rating stunts, but whatever realization the writers came to about where the season was headed, they seemed to have salvaged the show from spiraling into a "it sucks, but it's on Fox, so it will last seven seasons" type of mediocrity. Maybe I am a little too optimistic after just one week, but here's to hoping the good episodes are a trend and not an anomaly.

By now we know that the Cohens aren't big on cooking. The only time anybody in the house has anything other than a bagel for breakfast, is one somebody is trying to bribe somebody, usually with pancakes, for some sort of error they had made. The Kirsten and the Sandy don't even pretend that they have any skill at cooking. Other than some pathetic attempts at Thanksgiving and some red meat on the grill every now and then, dinner is usually phoned in at the Cohens. Just because they aren't the Cleavers doesn't mean that Sandy doesn't enjoy a family meal every now and then. He has been busy with felons and porn movies, his wife has been busy with a magazine, his son has been busy with his girlfriend, and Ryan has been, uh, well being so self-righteous is like a full-time job in itself.

As determined as Sandy is with keeping the family together for dinner, it is sort of surprise when we see him answer the phone, and then let the person on the other side talk to Ryan. Seth is just about to go onto a long rant about why his dad would let Ryan talk on the phone, but we sense something is wrong. Ryan comes back to the table with a sullen and distant look on his face, and this is more sullen and distant than normal. He looks downright upset. What could it be? His pregnant girlfriend calling? "Oh, I had the baby BTW. Laters. Bye." Perhaps it was Lindsay "Uh, so this Chicago thing kind of sucks, plus I think I am pregnant. Tell Seth he's a father."

Those scenarios, while humorous, paled in comparison to the actual situation. Lest we forget, Ryan came to the Cohen household because the benevolent Sandy pulled him out of juvenile detention. Ryan was there for, among other things, stealing cars, but he didn't do it alone. His accomplice was his older brother Trey, and since Trey was over 18, Trey went to jail. After 18 months or so in the big house, it was time to go, and so Trey called Ryan to come pick him up the next day.

Even though the last time Trey asked Ryan to meet him in jail, he asked Ryan to steal a car. Ryan agreed to the plan to save his brother from getting beat up, but in the process Ryan almost took a beating himself. He was with Marissa at the time, and she had to save him by playing get away driver. With that in mind, Ryan woke up the next morning, put on his Chino gear (black jeans, white t-shirt, grey hoodie) and went to pick up Trey. Seth even offered to go with Ryan, saying seeing the prison might "scare him straight". You may be scared of prison Seth, but we know nothing is going to keep you apart from Ryan. Nevertheless, Sandy decided to go with Ryan, and Seth was forced to go to school.

Ah, Harbor. I'm sorry, but when we have episodes where the students actually pretend they go to school, it is much more entertaining. Teenagers often come across difficult situations, but they rarely act so middle-aged with everything they do. That's they way I felt with this show for much of the season, but a lot of that has passed. Summer and Marissa are talking about life, Ryan, and Seth, and I have to take a moment to talk about what they were wearing. Earlier this season, they were trying some nouveau Gatsby style, then moved on to Cockney chimney sweep couture, tried a little bit of crocheted shabby chic, and now they have tried a little hippie on for size. And just like the the 60s, it looked like Marissa had burned her bra. I might have been a little bit more distracted by her bouncing jubblies if some topless photos of Mischa Barton hadn't turned up this week. I speculated before that Mischa might have been working on some hips and curves, but these more recent pictures tell me she is back on the rigorous cigarette/coffee/laxative diet to keep those hot ribs in full view. And those shoulder blades, they just scream "Do me!", don't they?

Anyway, Marissa and Summer are discussing Ryan and his brother when Zach comes motoring in on his vespa. Water polo, no sex with women, vespa. No giveaway there. Zach has returned from Italy, and even though Summer left him at the altar, or check in counter as the case may be, he seems totally fine with seeing her. He's not pissed, and he even says he has a bunch of pictures to show her. As he goes to class, Summer also thinks that his spirits are kind of high for the way she treated him, and decides "He must be hiding something." Well, no kidding.

Later that day Zach runs into Seth, who is probably waiting for a punch in the face, but Zach is also extremely cool with him. He says that he knew Seth and Summer were made for each other, and that it didn't matter anyway. He met a nice, tall, blonde, italian piece of ass named Francesca while in Tuscany. Way to go Zach! Whenever a girl breaks your heart, you search for the rebound. And if your rebound is named Francesca, that's not bad at all. Now, most people, having found a hot replacement named Francesca, would be flaunting it to the ex who had broken your heart. Not Zach, he is not vindictive. He tells Seth not to tell Summer, because he doesn't want to make her feel bad. He just needs Seth to keep a secret. Oh, now that's a funny concept.

Have you ever thought the type of thing you say to a sibling after they leave prison? I think it would be awkward, even if you were still poor and living in Chino. Having moved to Newport and living in a pool house, things just don't seem the same. Do you start out with some humor "So, that soap on a rope. Not bad stuff, huh?" or "I worried about my swing in golf, but I bet you really hate shanks." (I'm here all week folks.) No, Ryan decided to go with the handshake. That wasn't enough for Trey, however. He took his brother's hand and gave him a big hug.

Last time we saw Trey, he was bitter and kind of an asshole. I mean, he was in prison, but can you blame your brother if he tried to pull himself out of poverty. This time, Trey seemed like a whole new man, which makes sense, since Trey was played by a whole new actor. He was polite and just happy to see his brother. He was happy to see Sandy, and he was happy to have lunch with both of them.

Ryan is always worried when anybody from Chino tries to mess up with his happy Newport life, Trey included. But when they were dropping Trey off at some random house, and there was nobody inside, he decided to warm up a little bit. Sandy already mentioned that it would be OK for Trey to live with them, and so they take him back to Newport. And just like the last time somebody from Chino moved in with the Cohens, he gets the pool house.

Sandy sort of save Julie Cooper last week by making a deal for her porn tape, but she still needed to come up with the money. Kirsten has been busy with Carter and the magazine. So when Julie comes in and says that maybe she isn't so sure about Newport Living, Kirsten is wondering what was going on. Julie comes clean once again with Kirsten about her naked mistake. And let's be honest, there is only so much ramen a girl can eat with a sick mother. She didn't know her boyfriend was going to take the fake video and publish it. (Actually, they say he threatened to publish it, but it was never released, but I don't think that he would have put so much effort into making a box cover if he hadn't published it. And if he had made the box cover recently, he would have made a DVD. There is no way to get all the copies of this thing, so paying him off is worthless.) Kirsten doesn't say much other than she is going to have to tell Caleb.

With her back against the wall, the Julie is forced to ask Caleb for some help. Their relationship has been sort of icy since the whole Lindsay thing has come up, so she decides to bring it up during lunch. If there is anyway to take away the surprise of a shocking bit of information, one way is to nonchalantly mention it between two other innocuous items. Sort of a casual mention. Julie worked in her porn history in between a request to fire the gardener and another request for some new lawn furniture. Surprisingly, Caleb was cool with it. He said the price was worth it to save her dignity. He just had to check with his financial advisor.

I always love it when Caleb has something to do. He always messes it up. I also love all of his shady business relationships that he has. I was sort of surprised that he would actually pay Lance. He showed up at Lance's hotel with the money, then asked for the tape. Lance handed it over, and Caleb proceeded to let two of his associates in the room. These associates were obviously paid muscle, and so Caleb not only had the tape, he took his money back. As he left, his two thugs drew the shades, likely about to give Lance quite the work over. The most interesting part of the whole exchange was that Caleb said he already knew about the porn, as he had private investigators on his staff. I do love when Caleb is shady.

Seth gets home from school, and right away he wants to get some dirt on Trey. He walks into the pool house and asks Ryan if his brother had changed. You know "found Jesus, chinese tattoos, shaved head"? The great part about this was that Ryan was not in the pool house, it was Trey. This really surprised Seth, and really surprised Trey, although Ryan had filled him in about Seth's loquacious habits. For his part, Seth was impressed by the monosyllabic nature that runs in the Atwood family. Ryan comes in just in time to save Seth, and Sandy gives Trey some money to go shopping for some new clothes.

If you are an ex-con, and you want to go shopping, where do you go? I know that this is Newport, but do you go to Ben Sherman? Ben Sherman is trendy(compared to Brooks Brothers), but is that the first thing on your mind when you get out of the joint? Why not go to the thrift store and pick up some of the VonDutch all of the hipsters through away last year. It may not be trendy, but if you are wearing clothes that are a couple of years old, people won't think you have been in jail that whole time. My suggestion? They should have tried Fred Segal.

Another big problem with these stores is the people who work there. They just won't cut Trey any slack. Even though he paid for everything, they insist on checking his bag. Usually when this type of thing happens, you get angry, but let them search your bag. If you write a letter or complain to the manager about the way you are treated later, you might even get some free shit. But when this happened to Trey, he not only got in the security guys' face, he dumped the contents of his bag all over the ground, and knocked over a display case. Marissa, who had joined them to help Trey pick out clothes, looked on in admiration at Trey's furniture throwing skill.

Zach is really trying not to dwell on Summer. He has a girlfriend that he can chat with, and those webcams get pretty freaky. No need to keep around any of Summer's stuff. When he takes her things over to her house, she confronts him about Francesca. I never agreed with Summer's decision to go back to her stalker, but after she made the decision, and it made her happy, what is there to argue about? Still, if Zach decides that he has to move on, especially after Summer basically strung him along for such a long time. If he decides that he is going to move on, he is not under any sort of etiquette timetable to move on after Summer.

Despite the fact that she broke up with him, Summer gets a little upset. She gathers Zach's stuff, and takes it over to his house. His mother is there, and she gives Summer that "Well, I can't talk with you about that great New Yorker cartoon" sort of look. Summer says that she is sorry for what happened, and hopes that Zach is happy with Francesca. This whole Francesca thing is a big surprise to Zach's mom. She tells summer that Zach was so broken hearted, he didn't leave the hotel the whole time. I don't know why it was such a big deal that Summer's boyfriends can't get over her, but I guess she can now take solace that she did, in fact, break Zach's heart, and he is, in fact, not over her.

Zach makes his way over to Summer's house to clear the air once and for all. He is not over her, but he thought that making up the story about Francesca would help them all move on. He said that he told Seth only because he knew it would get back to Summer. His plan worked, but it was all a lie. Summer promises that she won't tell anybody his secret.

The big launch party for Newport Living is about to get underway. Julie is right back into the heart of things. Now that she knows she won't be exposed as a porn starlet, she is back to being her old self. And she seems to have picked up on something between Carter and Kirsten. Other than the first time they met, I didn't really notice any sort of crazy sexual tension between these two. Kirsten isn't enamored with Sandy these days, but she is wearing her ring, and we are pretty sure that Rebecca is gone for good, so things have been going pretty well. Kirsten is sort of staring at Carter, and she did her best to try and avoid him and Sandy from meeting earlier, so I guess there is something there.

Carter is happy and wants to celebrate, but for once, Kirsten doesn't want to drink any wine. She says that it is unprofessional, even though they have been averaging a bottle of wine a night. (Have a mentioned how much I love it when Kirsten drinks?) Julie is loving watching Kirsten squirm and does her "Kirsten Cohen Crushes Carter" dance and the ever popular "Kirsten and Carter, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G". Kirsten ignores them both, and says that they can celebrate after the launch.

I guess one of the reasons why the Cohens never cook is because they do throw a lot of parties. The Newport living party seems to be going by without a hitch as well. Julie is there (still making gestures at Kirsten about Carter), and Caleb is happy with the work he has done. Sandy has even had a chance to meet Carter. It's soon time for the big presentation, but first Kirsten needs some chardonnay. She finds the closest waiter she finds, and picks up a glass.

There is no big deal with Kirsten drinking, but this time there was something special. The waiter was none other than Lance. He was supposed have been beaten up, but it looks like they spared his face. Now, even though I thought Caleb was smart for not giving in to Lance, you knew Lance was not stupid enough to give Caleb the only copy of the porno tape in existence. He had to have one for insurance. But what was he going to do? Get up in the middle of their on stage presentation, and flash the box around. It's not like there was some big video presentation that was going to be projected onto a big screen, giving Lance a convenient way to swap in Julie's video and embarrass her, right?

Julie is terribly ashamed, and she thinks her career is over. Caleb comforts her, and says "that's why you can't give in to these people". They'll screw you every time, won't they? Julie says she is going into her Howard Hughes phase, but Caleb says that they will just go to Europe, and by the time they get back, another scandal will have ripped through Newport, and everybody would have forgotten about her. The way Caleb handled this whole thing, I am beginning to wonder if he wasn't in on the whole thing. Lance didn't look beaten up, he surely was able to walk and move without looking like he was in pairn. Did Caleb tell his boys to help Lance switch the videos so he could take Julie down a notch? Wouldn't have been the strangest thing we have seen Caleb Nichol do.

While all of that was going on in Newport, Ryan had driven down to Chino. Earlier, he went in to talk with his brother about what happened in the store. He was just about to apologize, when he noticed a watch under all of Trey's clothes. The same kind of watch the person at the store accused Trey of stealing earlier. Ryan cannot believe his brother would lie to him. He almost believed that his brother had changed, and he knew it was too good to be true. The problem was, Trey actually paid for the watch. He bought it as a thank you to Ryan for being so nice and letting him crash. Ryan doesn't believe, but just as Trey is about to leave, he shows him the receipt. SLAM! That was one of the best scenes all year. I love it when Ryan's self-righteous attitude blows up in his face.

Trey decided to go to one of the old bars he used to hang out in, and Ryan decided to chase after him. Just for kicks, he decided it would be fun to have Marissa around. When he gets to the bar, Trey is playing pool, and doesn't want anything to do with his brother. He may be poor, he may not have a place to stay, but at least he has his self-respect. He's not going to stay with somebody who doesn't want him living there.

Another great episode. They have bungled a lot of character introductions, but the way they handled Trey, his release, and his attitude seems entirely believable. Julie's exposure was tons of campy fun, and the Seth/Summer/Zach love triangle was a nice little side venture to fill in some time. And although back-to-back episodes don't necessarily mean all is good in the world of The OC, it is at least a start.

"Hey!" Count: Episode - 18, Season Total - 197

Posted by at 8:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

It's been two weeks since our last new Apprentice aired, and I sort of feared the worst. After all, how can any installment ever live up to the magical chemistry between Tana and Lil' Jon? Well, unfortunately, this week's edition paled in comparison, but that's not to say it wasn't chock full of entertainment. The loyal viewing audience was treated to a silly challenge, an even sillier reward, a tense boardroom, and a raging Chris. That's really all we need sometimes.

This week's episode began a little differently than usual: for once the typical boardroom punditry turned out to be correct as everyone accurately predicted John's ouster. That's strange. Usually Mark Burnett enjoys displaying the candidates' uncanny ability to pick the wrong person going home. This time around though, we had lots of discussion about Erin. "He's not firing Erin," said Angie gravely. She later noted that "Erin is a contender," and that "she's quick as a whip." Hmmm... All this emphasis on Erin's great skills feels a little fishy to me. Nevertheless, Erin returned to the suite safe and sound, although considerably less bouncy than we had expected. After all, two weeks ago, the entire country saw Erin spastically charge into the suite as the front door closed behind her. Maybe the undulations of her celebration caused a sudden hair cyclone, blacking out all light sources and mandating a more subdued reshoot of her entrance. Either way, upon return, Erin boasted, "I do well in there [the Boardroom] because I don't lose my cool and I know how to speak like a rational human being." That's great. She's clearly getting fired. At least she'll go down stylishly though. Erin dazzled us with a green shawl that closely resembled what I'd always imagined Gumby would look like if he were flattened and then draped over a woman.

Erin is a fan of Gumby Chic

With the Apprentice-ites reveling in the post-Boardroom fallout, Erin, Stephanie, and Chris took to fooling around in the kitchen. "Stephanie has that not so fresh feeling!" squealed Erin, causing laughter all around. The camera then cut to Chris who chuckled with maniacal rage. I half expected him to yell "THAT WAS A VERY FUNNY JOKE! I FOUND THE HUMOR IN THAT COMMENT TO BE QUITE PLEASING!" Sadly, Chris remained quiet, although he did manage to snap a rabbit's neck. Don't really know where the rabbit came from.

After Erin concluded her brand of douche comedy, we then moved over to Magna where Craig was finally stepping up to be team leader. Before we even saw them though, the camera came to rest on a rack of free weights, surely in place for design purposes only. Needless to say, this cast isn't what we'd normally call "physically fit" or "well toned" or "displaying any inclination towards exercise whatsoever." I think it's safe to say that Craig and Bren are no Kwame and Troy.

Anyway, Craig gathered everyone around to inspire his team with a random assemblage of provebs, Bible verses, and what sounded like fortune cookie messages. It was all a jumbled mess, and thankfully the producers were there to supply a patronizing New Age synthesizer chord. Tana tried to explain the surreal moment to us, but she only managed to confuse herself even more, ultimately muttering "I don't diggety this'."

The next morning, teams met Trump at one of his construction sites where he announced that this week's challenge would involve a Do-It-Yourself Clinic at Home Depot. "I've heard some recent stories how well they're doing," said Trump regarding the hardware company. He then added, "Just the other day I saw they helped build shelters on Survivor. So I've decided to invest in Trump Survivor Shelter. The Survivor shelter business is a $30 billion industry, and Trump Survivor shelters will be the very best shelters you can get on a deserted island. It'll be great folks."

Actually, Trump didn't launch into a Mark Burnett cross-promotional tie-in. Instead, he extolled the virtues of Home Depot. First he noted that the company was the "fastest growing retailer in the United States." Funny. That's what he's said about EVERY OTHER COMPANY! At least he had one correct fact: Home Depot "revolutionized the do-it-yourself home improvement business." He's right. Have you ever tried to get help in those stores? They might as well have a sign by the door saying "Questions? Do it your damn self, you dipshit!"

Eventually, Trump introduced the team to two Home Depot execs. "What is your name?" he asked one of them. Amazingly, the guy simply stammered for a few moments and then pointed to the other exec, adding "This really isn't my department. She'll be able to help you." The exec then ran away to the other side of the construction site.

Later, at the loft, Net Worth sat around and discussed ideas. Angie, this week's Project Manager, babbled about how Home Depot was the happiest place on earth. Well, it's the happiest place as long as your definition of "happiness" includes dying from falling hardware. Nevertheless, Erin immediately bowed out of the task, noting that she'd never been to Home Depot and could therefore not offer any productive assistance. "As a former beauty queen, I know what a crown is. But I don't know what crown molding is," she said in an altogether too rehearsed remark to the camera (Kudos to the segment producer that came up with the crown/crown molding punchline). Erin then went on to say, "As a hair enthusiast, I know what a brush is... That's all I wanted to say."

Over at Magna, Craig announced that he wanted his team to run a clinic on how to make... a box. The idea was immediately received with passive aggressive rejection. "Everybody seems to have a box," said Tana, opening up the dialogue for many colorful vagina puns. You just know that Bren was chomping at the bit on that front. Still, despite the team's hatred of the box and all things box-like, Craig took an official stance and made the simplistic design the cornerstone of his plan. The group begrudgingly accepted this decision, perhaps feeling like Craig's boxy idea had in fact, boxed them in. Man, I always love being able to throw in a cheap Sex in the City caliber pun. (You know that if this were an actual Sex and the City episode, the subplots would have to do with a boxer, boxer briefs, and possibly Barbara Boxer. Why bash an already dead show? Because TVgasm wasn't around 18 months ago. Gotta make up for lost time).

While Craig got busy with the boxes, things at Net Worth were kind of slow. Erin and a tobacco-chewing Chris ambled through the death-aisles of Home Depot, desperately seeking some inspiration, but alas, it was not meant to be. The entire experience caused Erin to predictably break out into one of her labored comedy analogies: "Me walking through a Home Depot is like me being in a foreign country where everyone speaks a language that I can't understand!" Truthfully, that statement does little to clarify the Home Depot experience. I don't know what she's like in a foreign country where everyone speaks a language that she can't understand. Maybe she becomes a raging slut? Maybe she cries? LET US IN, ERIN!

Later, Angie's team assembled in a generic office to browse through Home Depot options. After some low-energy brainstorming, the team finally opted to use a mobile kitchen island for its clinic. Not a bad idea, and a few hours later, they actually managed to assemble one, causing all the girls to remark at how "cute" it was. Yes, nothing tugs at the heartstrings like shelves on wheels. I would show that picture of the puppies again, but next to the mobile kitchen island, they look like hideous warts. Now, if we could only design a mobile kitchen island made of puppies, that would be the darned cutest thing on earth!

Artist's rendering of the mobile puppy kitchen island.

Less cute was the "space-saver trunk" (aka the box). Having no faith in Craig, even after his rambling prayer session the night before, Magna all but abandoned their odd-voiced leader. Luckily, the father of four knew how to turn everyone's frowns upside down. No, Craig didn't tickle Kendra, but he did tell everyone to stop being such sourpusses. Surprisingly, everyone said okay and welcomed the box into their lives. And at twenty six minutes into the episode, Bren finally provided us with our first official "thinking outside the box" pun. Moments later, Darren Star called him up: "We're thinking about doing a male version of Sex in the City. I'd like to make you the head writer." Sorry people. Still working through the rage.

With Magna newly motivated, Tana got to work teaching the local Home Depot staffers about the finer elements of hip hop culture. "Shake it Sayid!" she exclaimed, urging a small Indian man to dance. NOW WE BE TALKIN'! Incidentally, I couldn't help noticing a vague interpretation of Fat Joe's "What's Love?" on the soundtrack. It's a sad state of affairs when 50 Cent and G-Unit dominate the radio so much that all the other rappers have to spread their music on reality show soundtracks. With that being said, I'm looking forward to this summer's season of Big Brother with its promised rap interludes by Chen Dogg and her Robo-Posse.

This photo was taken prior to Julie Chen's banishment from G-Unit.

Luckily, 50 Cent welcomed Chen Dogg back with open arms.

Anyway, it was finally time for the teams to kick off their Do-It-Yourself clinics. Net Worth started off strongly with Angie anchoring an effective demonstration, but then things began falling apart. Because the presentation required a loud, booming voice to reach the large audience that had accumulated, Angie logically had Chris take the helm for the clinic. Sadly, this choice was only met with disaster. I half expected Chris to yell, "THIS IS HOW TO BUILD A MOBILE UNIT! YOU WILL BUILD THIS UNIT RIGHT NOW. I AM NOT EVEN JOKING! I WILL BEAT YOU, OLD LADY!" Then in my fantasy Chris shakes one of the aisle units, causing an avalanche of hardware to fall from upon high. In real life, however, Chris just yelled in a general way and then managed to assemble the cutesy wootsy mobile kitchen island completely incorrectly. The only thing more embarrassing was the fact that it took thirty five minutes to construct a product that Angie had boasted could be finished in fifteen minutes or less. Later when asked what took so long, Angie simply replied "CPT. Don't know what it means, but Craig told me to say it."

Speaking of Craig, turns out his whole box idea was pretty damn smart. You see, after watching the mobile kitchen island disaster, we've come to appreciate the simplicity of the space saver chest. The easier the project, the harder it is to screw up. As a result, Magna could focus its energy on selling the box instead of simply constructing it. Oh, and by the way, Donald Trump's message of the week: "Sell yourself." Not so surprisingly, Magna excelled in this department, especially Tana who seemed to trade in her Crunk Juice for Apple Juice as she painted with children and squealed "Weeeeeeeee!!!!" This woman is a true chameleon. One week she's a clown, another she's a homegirl, and another she's a... hyper child. Man, I love Tana.

Amazingly, the entire Magna team seemed to recognize their lack of vision regarding the box. Kendra and others fully acknowledged how naive they were to doubt Craig. I'm sorry. I don't understand. A reality star is being apologetic, humble, and unselfish? Man, this show has really jumped the shark.

Nevertheless, we had a strong feeling that Craig's team was going to march to victory, especially when the music suddenly became dramatic and contemplative as we watched children paint the boxes. I didn't really understand why the mood had become so serious. I'll just assume everyone died ten minutes later. It would make sense, them being in Home Depot and all. Prediction: Home Depot will never advertise on TVgasm after this post.

Anyway, it was finally judgment time, and to no one's surprise (except maybe Trump's), Magna handily won. Surely their reward would be a somewhat relevant experience that would further clue the neophytes in to the world of high power execs. Well, maybe not. Team Magna won a Zero G 727 Experience. Huh? According to The Donald, since the candidates worked so long "training" people at their clinics, they now would be "trained" in zero gravity. Okay, that's a stretch. I mean, it's a cool — nay, very cool —  reward, but honestly, is this what CEOs do in their spare time? "Well Mr. Simon, it's been a pleasure doing business with you. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to float in zero gravity."

The show paused briefly for a commercial break, and we suddenly were faced with the bombastic debut of Home Depot's latest ad featuring Craig's box. I really couldn't tell if the spot was trying to be tongue-in-cheek or not, but either way, it's kind of hard to take a commercial seriously when it treats a wooden box like a Lexus. "It's the box!" boasted the narrator with equal parts genuflection and orgasm (genugasm? boxgasm?). To further cement the box's place as the coolest creation since the wheel, we were even supplied with a quote from Kendra saying "The neatest thing ever!" Okay, this commercial can't be serious. But even if it's an ironic, self-parodying spot, why would Home Depot do that? I mean, they want people to go to their Apprentice clinic, right? It's like they're saying "Hey, isn't this box stupid? Anyway, you should come by and build one. At your expense, natch."

Later, after the baffling commercial had run its course, we returned to the loft where Net Worth was moping around. Well, mainly just Angie who had adopted baby talk to say "I wanna go on da plane!" Anyone who uses baby talk on the Apprentice should be immediately fired. Actually, any adult who uses baby talk in general (when not in the vicinity of a baby) should be taken to Home Depot and made to stand in an aisle until a crate of hammers falls on them.

Not using baby talk was Magna who happily slipped into some Zero G flight suits and hit the tarmac. As the airplane hangar doors opened, Tana could barely contain her excitement, saying "Oh here it goes." She then added, "NOW WE BE FLYIN'!" A fast walking man soon emerged from a plane and announced that he's clocked over one thousand hours in zero gravity. I hear he's not very well grounded. Rimshot! Anyhoo, the team soon boarded the padded cabin, and within moments (on TV at least), they were floating and spinning and flipping and twirling, all to the sound of the Blue Danube. Yes, it was just like 2001: A Space Odyssey, except instead of space, we had an airplane, and instead of HAL, we had Bren, and instead of cinematic artistry, we had Diet Rite ads. At least Erin hadn't won the challenge. I couldn't imagine what her hair would do in zero gravity. It would probably extend in thousands of directions, gagging people as it entered their mouths and nostrils. A troll doll gone bad. Very bad.

This loopy interlude eventually came to a crashing end (not literally) when Alex presented us with an incredibly forced metaphor about his team being up in space enjoying zero gravity while Erin and Stephanie were grounded by gravity in the reality of getting fired even though they were space cadets and OH MY GOD SHUT UP. Alex has grown on me in recent episodes, but annoying comments like that (most likely written by the same producer who supplied Erin with her clunky "foreign country" line) really bring his cred down.

Speaking of Erin, it was time to go into the boardroom, but not before our flirtatious lawyer had one last thing to say. Regarding her boardroom track record, Erin boasted that "Every time I speak, it's poignant and accurate." Poignant? I don't understand. Has she been relating stories about how her pet hamster Butterscotch died an early death? (FYI, for fear that I may be acting like an idiot, I did a little research on "poignant" and found that indeed, it can also mean "incisive", "skillful", "astute", "pertinent", and "agreeably intense." So I guess Erin wins this round, although I'd still argue that "poignant" was an odd word choice.)

Anyway, in the boardroom, Angie quickly assigned blame for the task's failure on Erin, accusing her of checking out from the getgo. Erin explained that she was unfamiliar with Home Depot as a business, prompting Trump to respond, "You sound like Paris Hilton." That in turned cause Angie to say "Paris Hilton would have been better." Zinger for the Angie-meister! Almost made you overlook that stupid necktie she was wearing. Seriously, what is up with Angie always going for the stewardess look?

After some cutesy winking from Erin and a few more defenses from Angie, Chris suddenly piped up angry as ever. I love how you never see the anger boiling in him. It just is suddenly there. I don't remember what prompted him to say it, but out of nowhere Chris was jamming his index finger into the table and yelling "THAT IS 100% TRUE!" He even had that angry scowl on his face that we've all come to love. You know, the one that looks like a cat defending its territory. Hissssss!

Around this time, Angie tried to make a point, but in her exasperation, she wound up saying "Yes sir, honey." Did she just call Trump "honey"? That's somewhat odd. I suppose it's less inappropriate than Erin's chronic winking problem. Nevertheless, the attention returned to Chris who continued to face wrath for his chewing tobacco problem. You'd think he would have stopped two episodes ago when he first faced scrutiny for it, but no, it turns out the only thing that can tame the beast is a tin of Skoal. Trump grilled Chris with all sorts of questions about his tobacco use. "Do you use a spittoon? You swallow it?" he asked over and over again. The gross discovery here was that Chris actually does swallow his spit if he has no container to dispose of it. Man, that is disgusting. There's a reason why people call it "spit". Even Carolyn had to hang her head in repulsion upon hearing this sordid detail.

Nevertheless, Angie sent Stephanie back up to the suite where she could "look at the moon", as Trump said. He then added "The moon is the fastest growing retailer in the country. Last year, the moon took in $85 billion in profits. It's big, people."

While the candidates waited outside, Carolyn and George both voiced their support for Angie, saying she was the one who carried the team. Later, when everyone had returned to the boardroom, Trump alerted the Project Manager that she most likely would not be fired based on the high vote of confidence from his advisors. Unless she says something really dumb, chances are, she'll be okay. Hmmm... We'll see how that goes. Next, it was time to light a fire under Chris and Erin. "Don't you think Erin's better than you?" asked The Donald instigatingly. True to form, Chris responded with pure hellfire, yelling "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" He then spat venom at the panel and ripped Erin's head off.

Actually, that didn't happen, but Trump got on his tobacco kick once again, saying he doesn't want a guy working for him who chews tobacco. He may have been jokey about it before, but we could tell he was fairly serious this time around. Chris promised to quit, and if he's caught chewing again, he could then be fired. Man, and we thought Chris was irritable BEFORE withdrawal...

Of course, it's not just us bloggers who've noticed Chris's uncontrollable rage. "Don't you have an anger problem?" asked Trump. Chris deflected the question, yelling "NO, I DON'T! I'M VERY AGGRESSIVE SIR!" He then added "I AM QUITE A HAPPY PERSON. ANGER IS A FOREIGN NOTION TO ME. NO ONE COULD BE MORE PLEASANT THAN ME! NO ONE! THAT IS A PROMISE SIR. THAT IS A PROMISE!"

Luckily for Chris, the spotlight soon returned to Angie as Trump questioned the once safe PM as to why she didn't have Erin present in the clinic. Angie tried to defend herself, but Trump came down viciously, and not in his jokey way either. In the background, the music began revving up, and suddenly the unthinkable seemed to happen. Was Angie going to get fired? Was this all brilliant misdirection onto Erin? All that "Erin's as quick as a whip stuff" —  was that just misdirection on the misdirection? Trump said that he wasn't very happy with Angie, that she'd made some bad decisions, and yet Carolyn and George say she's great, "and I have to listen to them."

"Do you have to?" asked Erin with a wink and a smile. Smart move, dumbass. Insult Trump's two most trusted advisors. "You're a real wiseguy," replied Trump, prompting Carolyn to chime in with "That was a dumb statement. That was a dumb statement." George merely performed the sidekick role in its basic form, only saying "Yeah." And just like that, Trump fired Erin. Ouch. I guess she wins idiot of the week for successfully redirecting the blame from her onto Angie, and then stupidly bringing it back onto herself again by dissing George and Carolyn. Erin stomped out of the boardroom, but then suddenly paused at the door. I figured she'd something like "Can you please lift up your chair? My hair is caught under it," but instead she continued onwards, revealing that her Rapunzel locks were in fact unencumbered.

Afterwards, in the cab home, Erin tried to make light of the situation by hurling several lame power tool puns our way. I didn't bother to write down the exact quotes because they were so dumb, but needless to say, they had something to do with her lack of knowledge on the subject of power saws cut her off at the knees; getting fired was like a nailgun in the heart. Eventually though, she assured us that "All is well in Erin-land," which is awesome because in about six months from now when she realizes she's not the model she thinks she is, she's probably gonna be depressed, suicidal, or at least shedding her dignity in Playboy. Cheers!

Posted by at 1:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (36)

Some of you may or may not know that we are big fans of sushi here at the TVgasm offices. Living in Los Angeles, there is a great range from the 99¢ Sushi Mac (which is overpriced, if you ask me) to fine establishments like Nobu and Matsuhisa. Since we have had more marriage proposals than advertisers willing to dish some coin, we usually have to settle for something that is closer to Budget Gourmet than Iron Chef. One of those places that is inexpensive but manages to have good sushi is Kabuki. Kabuki is actually a chain of restaurants, but they have half price dinner and lunch specials, and some of the best salmon and albacore on the planet, even before considering that each order is only less than $3.

After finishing the meal, everybody was waiting outside (B-side was talking to a few actor friends of his), and happened to notice that right out side of Kabuki's front door is the Hollywood Walk of Fame Star for none other than Pat O'Brien. So, although there is no reason to go to Hollywood just to laugh at Pat O'Brien's star, the trip makes much more sense if you consider how great the sushi will be for such little money. If you needed any other reason to check this place out, it seems that a Wayans brother always seems to be passing through at some point during the evening.

In summary:

• Good sushi, low price
• Pat O'Brien Walk of Fame Star
• Almost always a Wayans Brother
• Possibly J-unit or B-side

Posted by at 12:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Sometimes blogging can be quite time consuming. So to tide all you bored office workers over, we offer some answers to your most frequent questions:

1) Yes, there will be a Survivor recap.

2) Yes, there will be an Apprentice recap too.

3) Haven't decided on a Project Greenlight recap. But that being said, everyone should really watch this season because it is quite the trainwreck. And trainwrecks = good TV.

4) Fat Actress? Please.

5) No, we don't actually have the means to contact Jerry from the Bachelorette.

6) The Office was surprisingly funny. And YES, I know it's not as good as the original, so all you BBC America fans can just hold off on the angry comments.

7) Which Ashton Kutcher project looks worse you say? Well, Guess Who? promises to be laugh-free but not as insipid as A Lot Like Love. Believe me. I read the script. Dreadful.

8) Yes, SNL would benefit from Horatio Sanz's departure.

9) Since you asked, I hate Anthony Fedorov. I hate Constantine even more. Anwar sounds great, but I'm pretty sure I hate him too. Jessica Sierra looks like a candy apple. Scott Savol reminds me of a potato. And I think Mikalah Gordon is one of the worst things to happen to pop culture. Wow, bitterness is fun!

Posted by at 3:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

So, I hope that everybody has recovered from last week's America's Next Top Model. I know that it was Rebecca who had a seizure(OK, so I'm told it was a vasovagal syncope, but until I go to med school, I won't care) and fell over, but it was the audience that I was afraid would not be able to get up again. Most of us were having our own seizures, some may call them fits of laughter, and had to pick ourselves up off the floor. OK, I have to see it one more time, so here it is (scroll down for the video). How can ANTM ever top that sort of action. It may not ever happen, but at least you can try.

All jokes aside, the whole episode was kind of scary, and although Rebecca said it wouldn't affect her modeling career, don't you kind of think that falling over uncontrollably might be a little more serious than she lets on? I mean, one of these days, she's going to have a serious concussion or broken collar bone or something. And wouldn't it be unfortunate if she just fell over on the runway? The other person who was sort of worried about their performance last week was Brittany, who was in tears as she said that she didn't want to look like somebody who does porn. It's OK Brittany, you have at least one assured DVD sale when you get to it.

If there is anybody who should be learning from week to week, it has to be Brandi. She came to the casting session with such a happy and carefree attitude, but it looks like she hasn't had any fun the entire time she has been here. Maybe she is traumatized by her hair, and we know she is impatient, but unless she is taking her own pictures and paying for her own contract, she has to do something to get along with other people. And she should start with her roommates.

It has always been a reality show staple to have one phone for the entire cast. This arrangement guarantees a ton of drama. Our girls had actually sort of worked out a rotation to make things a little more fair. Since the east coast was three hours ahead, the people from the East would start first. And since Hawaii was three hours behind, she would be last. With all the girls talking, they should be reaching out and touching their respective time zones in some sort of rational order. It all would have worked out except that Brand was not having any of it. I guess she should know that it's a democracy, not a cheerocracy modelacracy.

Whenever Brandi goes off, there is only one person who can really talk to her. That would be Tiffany, of course, because it seems like everybody is scared of Brandi. I love whenever Tiffany starts the show by demonstrating how angry she used to be. Why? Because it means we will get to see another replay of the clip where the infamous line "Bitch threw a beer on my weave" were once spoken. I can't get enough of that shit.

The girls first Tyra mail was talking about being on point, not like EMPD, but like ballet. Right away I was thinking that this would feature some crazy russian lady who spent 50 years teaching under communism in the USSR, but decided to leave and now runs a studio somewhere near Fairfax. That was my dream, but the producers instead gave us Stephen Wenta, who was basically a German version of Richard Attenborough from Jurassic Park, he even had a cane, which he used to smack the models when they weren't in good posture. They don't have enough time to go through charm school, but I guess this Stephen guy would have to do. They could have at least involved liederhosen in some way.

Anyway, the thing about ballet was that it was supposed to show people about being conscious of their form. It is amazing that some of these girls think that it is OK to kind of go through the motions in these things. No matter how innocuous the early lesson is, it always finds it way into the later challenges somehow.

Tiffany has made a big deal about how much she changed, and one of the ways she changed, or at least what she told Naima was that she doesn't drink anymore because it makes her crazy. We can all relate to that, and it you can tell Tiffany was happy she had a chance to go to a nice restaurant. But then she noticed that Rebecca had some white wine. Hmm, classy white bitch got some wine, that means that if a ghetto bitch did the same thing, she might be more classy. We know that is not quite how it works, but it was fun having a little laugh as TIffany began slurring her speech and doing the "I love you guys" type of speeches. All of the top models were thinking the same thing, or at least they were right up until the time Tiffany got sick and threw up on the floor in the restaurant.

For the first shoot, the girls were going to do be playing some tennis. Jay Manuel was not around, but that was because this was a stealth mission. Jay had a monitor to watch as the girls all interacted with the photographer, who was paid to be as big of an asshole as possible. The judges wanted to see what the girls would do under pressure.

The pressure got to most girls, but some more than ohters. Naima looked carefree, but Khalen and Michelle fought back tears as they were done. If there was anybody who you know couldn't stand and wouldn't stand for that kind of treatment, it was Tiffany and Brandi. Tiffany mouthed off to the photographer, who basically threw her out of the shoot. Brand mentioned that she couldn't hide her emotions, especially in her face. It's a good thing she picked a career where her every expression will be scrutinized. She also wasn't going to let anybody make jokes about her, and Tatiana made that mistake.

To tell you the truth it seemed as if Tatiana wasn't making fun of Tiffany, but trying to have a little laugh about the photographer. If there was nothing the girls should have rallying around, it would be making fun of the photographer, right? Especially one that was so hard on everybody? Well, Brand had plenty of Tatiana. Maybe it was her scrunched up face, maybe it was her pit stains, maybe it was the fact that Tatiana spent the whole time laying underneath a bed, but something pissed off Brandi. She asked Naima "Is it OK to slap somebody when they get on your nerves?". You know what they say. If you have to ask....well, I don't know what the say, so you can finish that sentence.

After the last girl had finished, Jay revealed himself, and told the girls all about his little ruse. The photographer chose Naima as the winner of the , and she picked Tiffany and Kahlen to come along with her for a "very, very nice and elegant dinner. There are so many nice places in LA, I was wondering where they would go . When the girls rolled up next to the PIg And Whistle, I figured that the nice and elegant part had to be the special guest for the evening (there was an empty place setting at the table).

So, I was right about the guest being the elegant part, as Serena Williams walked in to hand Naima a signed racket. She then went on to talk about how great her fashion business is. She owns a company called Aneres , and helps design her clothes. Immediately, tshe decides she is going to critique all of their walks. I would have had Serena give some feedback to jay at the tennis court, because it's not like she had that much to any discussion of high fashion.

Our production photo shoot for the evening was an interesting one. The girls made their way over to Quixote Studios (on Martel, I believe). It's incidentally also right across the street from where B-side used to work (the studio, not the Trader Joe's). Twleve girls, twelve months, twelve signs of the zodiac, twelve pages for a calendar. Since the zodiac signs were celestial, the girls would be aided in their poses by a harness, which proved a little difficult for some.

If you are wondering the girls dressed up as the following: Naima - Capricorn, Kahlen - Aries, Noelle - Leo, Keenya - Taurus, Britany - Saggitarius, Tiffany - Cancer, Christina - Libra, Tatiana - Gemni, Rebecca - Virgo, Michelle - Aquarius, Lluvy - Pisces, Brandi - Scorpio. And when they had to do their costumes and makeup, it was a simple matter of a background, they had a lot of stuff going on. Naima and Kahlen sported horns for their goat and ram, Lluvy and Brandi dealt with scales being attached to their faces for their fish and scorpion, but the craziest outfit had to be Tiffany. She had the biggest god awful crab claws to deal with, but she tried and made it work out OK, although you really still have to laugh about the whole thing.

Tiffany, who was going back and forth between ghetto and fabulous today, chose to defend Brandi against what she perceived were a bunch of girls ganging up on her. I know that they have a big sister/little sister thing going on and Tiffany has been the voice of reason for her friend, but Tiffany really has to pick her fights. Brandi has been unpleasant, and Tiffany might end up alienating herself further if she defends Brandi when Brandi shows no intention of trying to enjoy herself there.

When it came time for judging, the girls were surprised to hear that the judging would not be done on the professional shoot, but tennis shoot. Most of the girls were really awful in their pictures, looking as if they had been caught off guard. Noell and Lluvy were truly awful. Moving on to the zodiac pictures, the judges loved Keenya, Christina, and Michelle. Brittany also had a strong picture, and the difference between her when she has her makeup packed on and her natural face is amazing. She got rid of the pinup and let her natural beauty work, which is always a good idea. Tatiana and Kahlen also received good words for their work. My favorite picks for this week (I'm in love with Keenya and Naima BTW, so I hope you are all ready to see lots of their pictures this season):

The theme this week was growth, and the judges decided that Lluvy had more potential to grow - they just couldn't get past Brandi's demeanor. When she heard that she would be going home, Brandi didn't go crazy, didn't hug any of her roommates, but did leave a note saying how much she would miss Tiffany. Tiffany was crying because she lost her closest friend, and I am sure she feels like she failed protecting her "little sister". Hopefully Tiffany will bounce back, because she shouldn't go ballistic over this decision. Getting rid of Brandi was the right choice, and doing it now is better than having to explain how they let her and that damn gap through the competition so long.

Remember what I said about America's Next Top Model would find a hard time equalling last week's theatrics? Well, maybe I was wrong. As we got some of the previews for next week, the following phrase could be heard "flesh eating bacteria". Oh god Tyra, thank you ever so much for giving us this show.

Posted by at 12:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (20)

Things that I learned from this week's Amazing Race:

1) I have officially become a conspiracy theorist regarding Rob and Amber's unending streak of "good luck."

2) Ray and Deana are a lethal mixture of bland, annoying, and whiny.

3) We get two full hours of Amazing Race fun next week featuring guest stars Bleeding Head Wound and Overturned Vehicle. Can't wait!

But anyway. Enumeration is for losers. Let's recap!

The episode began with Lynn and Alex happily bounding out of the Pitstop first. The two boasted about their gigantic lead, noting that they were hours ahead of Rob and Amber, their arch rivals. Thankfully, if history has taught us anything, it's that teams never have a chance to catch up on the Amazing Race. And yes, that was sarcasm. Alex and Lynn losing their lead was about as inevitable as the two of them happily embracing over the Spring Sale at Banana Republic.

Anyway, the guys headed out to Cabaña La Guatana, a horse ranch that promised to faithfully provide a time crunch, and sure enough, the establishment didn't open until 6:30 AM. The good news for Alex and Lynn was that they only had to wait thirty minutes instead of the customary twelve hours. Meanwhile, Uchenna and Joyce left the Pitstop next, but they soon became lost on the back roads of Argentina. Yes, navigation proved to be difficult for the beleaguered couple as Uchenna commented, "It's like giving birth, man." He then added, "Not that we'd know. Have I mentioned that we're childless?"

Speaking of broken records (okay, to be fair, Uchenna and Joyce are really not very broken-record-ish), Ron and Kelly soon showed up on the screen. Our favorite POW —  or F-POW, as I like to call him (note that I will never call him that again) — said that he and the little lady had no long term alliances with the other teams. "Coming from the military, you're used to being able to trust people," he said immediately. Is there anything he can't relate to the military? "So I was watching the Golden Girls last night, and when the gals were all digging into some cheesecake, I couldn't help thinking of the unsavory desserts we were served in the military. Incidentally, my commanding officer's name was B. Arthur." I just made that entire line up, but I hate Ron even more now.

At 6:30 AM, the ranch opened up, allowing Lynn and Alex to grab the next clue. Turns out this was home to the next roadblock. Someone had to mount a horse and then perform a traditional gaucho activity: ride through a course of barrels and then "spear a ring", all under forty seconds. Doesn't sound very intense, but keep in mind that "ring" is Argentinean slang for "small child."

Alex opted to do the Roadblock, and as Lynn served as a cheerleader on the sidelines, we received a glimpse into what their most intimate moments might sound like: "Faster! Faster! Faster! [pause] Alex, that was so close. You missed it by one sec." Joyce meanwhile said that since she'd ridden a horse once, she could take care of the challenge. She headed to the stable to pick out a steed, and when she found one that she liked, she cooed that he seemed nice. This was then followed with the patented Amazing Race slow-mo of doom. I guess Joyce will be biting it in a few minutes.

Sure enough, Joyce managed to pick what appeared to be the sole rodeo bronco in the mix. The horse immediately reared up on its hind legs, sending Joyce tumbling to the ground multiple times. Well, so much for that baby.

Lynn and Alex eventually finished the Roadblock and received the next clue. Teams were to get on one of two flights heading to Buenos Aires. Once there, they'd have to go to a park and find a shady man wearing all black. Not sure who the guy was, but he appeared to be a strange mixture of Zorro and The Undertaker. Either way, I was pretty sure he wanted to murder all the teams.

Ron and Kelly meanwhile arrived at the Roadblock, ready to kick some Iraqi ass. Kelly volunteered to do this challenge, causing Ron to tell the locals, "Yesterday I ate crap. Today she gets to ride a horse. Just want y'all to know that." He then added, "By the way, I was a POW. Just want y'all to know that too."

While Ron and Kelly were horsin' around at the Roadblock (nice pun, right? That would have won an Emmy had it come out of Sarah Jessica Parker's mouth), Rob and Amber were lost on the roads with the Brohans behind them. For once, Rob and Amber appeared to be genuinely alarmed, and they seemed ready to ask "Where's that nice guy from CBS to help me?" Well, luckily, they managed to stumble upon the ranch and disaster was averted. The brothers arrived shortly after, with Greg happily chirping "Good job, B! Good job, B!" You know these bros must love their initials. Especially Greg, whose friends I'm sure constantly shower him with "Whatup, G?" I'm also willing to bet his Friendster profile is littered with several "G Love and Special Sauce" puns. Or at least a few shout outs to G-Unit. If this were a sitcom, a cute little girl would enter and say "Still talking about his initials? Gee whiz!" Then we'd cut to commercial as the audience claps.

By the way, speaking of Friendster, feel free to become TVgasm's friend.

Anyway, as Rob dealt with the horsies, Amber continued to marvel at their ability to find the ranch. "Somebody's watching over us. That's for sure," she guffawed. Yeah, I think that "somebody" is CBS. Our conspiracy theory grew stronger as Rob completed the course with a time of "Perfect!" Normally, I'd just assume that meant he finished the Roadblock under forty seconds, but since I have my Drudge Report cap on, I'll just put it out there that we didn't see his time because they gave him a free pass. JUST SAYING.

Meanwhile, over at the airport, all the teams thus far had boarded the first plane leaving for Buenos Aires. Well, everyone had boarded except Rob and Amber. Even the brothers had managed to get on -- and with just three minutes to spare. Surely the Survivor vets would be stuck on the second flight leaving five hours later! I mean, the cabin door was closed and ready to go. As the entire plane buzzed with anti-Ramber sentiments ("Survive THAT!" said one team vindictively), the mood suddenly turned somber as the couple boarded at the last second. Well, that was very generous of CBS to hold the plane for them. Honestly, they could have been halfway to Buenos Aires, and I think CBS would have had the plane turn around for its reality darlings. "It's funny how we always go from fifth to first," said an aw-shucks Rob. It is funny. Some might say uncanny. Others might even say "planned".

As for the other three teams, Ray and Deana left the Pitstop first, taking special time to bash the "oldsters." Honestly, if you're so concerned about the old people beating you, maybe you shouldn't have quit during the last Roadblock. Nevertheless, Ray and Deana arrived at the Roadblock and immediately encountered problems with the horses. Actually, it wasn't so much the horses as it was Deana. She seemed afraid to spur the horse, lest it buck her from its back and trample her to death on national television. While she toiled, Meredith, Gretchen, Susan, and Patrick hit the pavement in search of the ranch. They both encountered a street performer who juggled conveniently amidst the traffic. Gretchen was immediately sympathetic to his plight, noting how he's probably saving up for college (or, you know, food). "God bless them," she said in her warbly voice. Susan expressed her sympathy in a much more succinct way: a car honk. I would have preferred her to stick her head out the window and yell "Get outta the way, dipshit!" and then maybe add a "Fuggedaboutit!"

At the Roadblock, Meredith made quick work out of the obstacle course, causing his beloved to come running with open arms and marveling "What a gaucho you are! What a gaucho you are!" Methinks this gaucho's gonna be getting some pampas lovin' tonight! Deana meanwhile struggled with her equine counterpart. "Oh Lord please!" she cried as she tried to spur her horse into action. Okay, let's not be too dramatic here Deana. It's not like you were just shot in the abdomen.

Finally Ray figured out a way to motivate Deana and the horse. He took off his shirt. Huh? It seemed to work. I suppose the sight of his pasty white skin frightened the beast into action. Actually, in reality, I think Ray and Deana tied their shirts onto her feet and -- never mind. I'm bored already.

Elsewhere in the Roadblock, the increasingly obnoxious Patrick snapped at his mom when she tried to help him out. "Hey Mom. Let's try being quiet," he seethed with a heaping load of passive aggression. "I want you to stop before we have an embarrassing moment," he then added. I don't understand. Do they pee their pants when they argue? Luckily, said embarrassing moment was avoided, although Patrick still managed to sound like an idiot as he hobbled away complaining "My crotch hurts." If a horse kicked him in the groin and CBS missed it, I will be very VERY upset.

With the final three teams all completing the Roadblock, there was nothing left for them to do but wait at the airport for the 2:30 PM flight. The mood went from mildly competitive to disturbing when Susan and Patrick walked in, causing Gretchen to toot, "We're still here! The menage-à-trois!" Oh man. That's the last image I want to have. Gretchen then went on to add, "Yes, we're a mighty threesome! We're like a double-ended dildo, except with a third end! Oooooh!"

Meanwhile, in Buenos Aires, the first plane landed and wouldn't you know it? Rob and Amber were out in front. After receiving the clue from the scary man in the park, teams were then told to find the docks at Le Tigre. No, they weren't going to a fashion outlet. Le Tigre is actually a town in Argentina. Rob took a page from Charla as he asked for directions in English but with a Spanish accent. Must have done him well because he found the train station pretty quickly. And so did everyone else. On the ride over to the town, Lynn and Alex remarked that Ramber's like an STD. The best thing they can do is protect themselves. Does this mean that if you have sex, Rob and Amber will appear? Because that would be really uncool.

At Le Tigre, teams encountered the Detour: Shipwreck or Islands. Hey, where's the nice alliteration/rhyming? Clearly the Amazing Race intern named that Detour. Anyway, in both options, teams had to ride through a delta on an inflatable, motorized raft (I apologize —  I do not know the specific name of this maritime vessel). In Shipwreck, teams have to search seven square miles of water and find a specific boat with only a thirty year old photo as a reference. In Islands, teams had to use a map to sail four miles away and locate a specific island. I was quite pleased with these options. Usually the show pits a search with some strenuous activity, and in recent years, the savvy teams have almost always opted for the brawn. But a dual search means we'll get lots of people choosing different challenges. Me loves that.

Alex, Lynn, Rob, and Amber found the Detour first while Uchenna and Joyce struggled to orient themselves. "Where're the docks?" asked Joyce. A quick survey of her surroundings showed that they were standing in the middle of a street. I'll give you a hint, Joyce. The docks are by that big river RIGHT ACROSS THE WAY.

Speaking of the waterway, Rob and Amber's watercraft quickly sped across the waves, even as the surf became choppy. "Holy Cannoli!" yelled Rob at one point. He then added "Mama Mia! Meetballs and Spaghetti! Pavoratti!" Unsurprisingly, Rob and Amber found their shipwreck almost instantaneously (conspiracy meter's getting some strong readings...). Meanwhile, Lynn and Alex suffered at the hands of a broken engine. The two lost valuable time as they waited for a replacement boat to fetch them. Hardly a witty barb was had. It was almost as bad as the time Madonna tried to rap on that song. Almost.

Brian and Greg meanwhile found the shipwreck fairly quickly, causing them to exchange the lamest fist bump I'd ever seen. Granted, fist bumps are inherently lame as it is. But these guys bumped fists and then opened their palms and fingers as if some explosion of energy were emanating forth. To accentuate this, they both made a "Sssssszzzz!" sound to suggest that they were sizzzzzlin'! Truthfully, it just looked like they'd taken a page from the Sparky Polastri School For Jazz Hands.

Meanwhile, as Ramber arrived on the shores of Le Tigre, Rob made the random gesture of giving his beloved Red Sox hat to the local guide on the boat. I suppose it was a nice thing to do, but something tells me he has about twelve more of them, all of which he intends to auction off on eBay. Listen, being a reality whore is a full time job. Later, in the cab ride to the Pitstop, Rob noted "I'm telling you. We just get lucky. It's like I was born with a horseshoe. Right up my ass!" And that's horseshoe's name: CBS.

Unsurprisingly, Rob and Amber reclaimed first place where they viewed a slideshow courtesy of Travelocity. Oh wait, that slideshow wasn't live? Wow, I'm really gullible. Actually, what really happened was that they won another trip to somewhere, which has us wondering why Lynn and Alex were deprived of a similar prize last week. Anyway, Brian and Greg showed up in second place, followed by Uchenna and Joyce. Ron and Kelly took the fourth spot but seemed saddened by their Bronze-once-removed placing. "They beat us then," said Ron dejectedly. Hey man, what happened to your "At least I'm not in a prison camp" mentality?

"You expect me, Phil Koegan, to believe that there's a horse standing directly to the left of me? Please."

With the first batch of teams checking in, it was time to reacquaint ourselves with the three straggling duos from the second flight. Ray was still on a diatribe against Meredith and Gretchen, this time saying "They're a couple decades beyond where they need to be." Um, Ray, you do realize that you'll be old someday, right? And you're going to probably hate the assholes who say the same thing about you.

Anyway, those old fogies who are a few decades beyond where they need to be managed to keep up just fine with Ray and Deana (who are a few decades behind where they need to be, at least intellectually). The two teams boarded the train to Le Tigre, leaving Susan and Patrick in the dust. Luckily, the mother and son were happily delusional about their place as they boarded another train three minutes later. They simply assumed they were in the lead since no one else had hopped on their train. Team Devious strikes again!

Meredith and Gretchen found the Detour first while gorilla and giraffe (aka Ray and Deana) wandered around Le Tigre. The old couple opted to find the island first, but curiously opted to ignore their map in favor of a simple trial and error strategy. This gave Donkey Kong enough time to find the Detour (after Susan and Patrick, mind you) and catch up. In fact, Ray and Deana found the next clue first, and when they passed Gretchen and Meredith moments later (and just around the corner from the clue), they played dumb, causing the old folks to follow them almost entirely back to the shore. Luckily for Meredith and Gretchen, the Mother/Son duo had the misfortune of climbing into a malfunctioning raft, causing a severe setback that they ultimately were unable to recover from.

The grandparents found their clue and as they stepped onto shore, Gretchen even got some action from the boat operator. Well, I mean, we all have to admit. She is quite sexy. Patrick meanwhile began pouting on the open seas, and it occurred to me that if this is the episode where he goes, I will be perfectly happy (although I'd rather have Ray and Deana go bye bye). Coming down to the final wire, the producers edited the material to make Susan and Patrick appear to be way closer than they most likely were. It was no surprise, therefore, that when Phil did his little "Thar she blows!" pointing, Meredith and Gretchen showed up at the Pitstop first. As Phil chatted them up, Meredith commented "The most amazing thing is that we're still upright!" Gretchen then pinched his butt and said "Not for long, gaucho!"

Anyway, Susan and Patrick arrived last and were sadly eliminated, thus officially ending the reign of the Bianca, Debbie, Susan, Patrick era. It seemed like such a good alliance, and yet both teams went down in consecutive weeks. Luckily, Lynn and Alex have picked up the anti-Rob cause. Anyway, Phil asked Patrick why he thinks his mom seems so emotional, and the bitchy son replied "Maybe she should answer that." Douchebag, the point of the question was for you to put yourself in your mom's shoes -- maybe learn something from her. Susan simply replied that she was an optimist and her son was a pessimist. Oooh. Nice maternal PA! Patrick rebuffed her by saying that he's not so much a pessimist as he is a "realist." Ah, fighting fire with fire! In the end, it was obvious that Patrick was neither a pessimist nor a realist. Just simply an asshole.

What do you think? Was CBS helping out its reality all-star team?

Posted by at 4:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (59)

Please forgive me for opening my post on this week's Real World/Road Rules Challenge with such a lame title. I try to be slightly funny in my titles, but don't try and go for the obvious and lame puns. This time, however, I couldn't help it. There really is no more apt description for this week's episode. Well, I guess I could have got it "Bitches Lie, Bitches Fight, Bitches Throw Other Bitch's Clothes in the Water", but that was a little too long. It's only a few weeks in, but the Inferno II looks like it is going to make up for the suckiness of the last Batlle of the Sexes and may even make us forget the awful Philadelphia season. If the rest of the challenge turns out half as great as this episode, we'll have no problem with that.

The Inferno II may pit the Bad Asses against the Good Guys, but there are some things that will never change. Tonya will still be a slutty bitch (their words, not mine), Tina will still be an ugly bitch, and Rachel and Veronica will try and cause some trouble. We got to see a little bit of all the parts that makes the world of Bunim/Murray so special.

If you didn't watch the Battle of the Sexes, you may have missed out on the budding romance between Robin and Mark. Mark is a little older and a little wiser, and perhaps a big cheater? Well, that's how the story goes according to Tonya. She has been not so shy about telling people how she went to the Movies with Mark, spent a weekend with Mark, sucked his balls, you know that kind of stuff. Beth, one of the Bad Asses and someone who always finds herself on the wrong end of any argument, relays some of these things to Robin. Robin may have an interest because, from her vantage point, Mark is still her boyfriend.

I didn't watch too much of San Diego (read: any of it), but I do know enough about Robin to understand she is not going to let something like that go unpunished. She calls Mark, let's him deny anything happened, and begins one of the greatest arguments in the history of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Robin tries to get the truth out of Tonya, but you know that Tonya really has nothing to say to defend herself. In fact, she tried to do her patented "I was misunderstood" type of reasoning, but Robin wasn't going to let her do that. Eventually, Robin just lets it all hang out "You are a whore and I don't trust you towards anybody".

Truth hurts, don't it?

• Tonya "You better re-evaluate your relationship because obviously he's f*cking both of us"
• Robin "If I was a guy and some girl put a vagina in my face, I would f*ck her too"
• Tonya "Call me a whore, call me a slut, just don't call me a liar

So, that argument was over, but what to do about Beth? She is a Bad Ass because of her reputation, but she really doesn't have a lot in common with her team. And if you don't conform to what the group thinks you should be, then Rachel and Veronica will come after you. They don't do it in a direct way by confronting Beth, they just get Tonya upset at what Beth did.

And what did Beth do? Apparently, she betrayed some sort of teammate non-disclosure agreement. Tonya gets upset because Beth not only humiliated her, but she embarrasses two people who really are in love. Wha? Yes, that's right. Apparently, the person to blame here is not the one that is cheating/lying about cheating, it is the person who informs the other person somebody is cheating on her. And honestly Tonya, in a race to see who is going to humiliate you first, don't you think you win that race every single time? But if Veronica and Rachel say that somebody is causing unnecessary friction, it must be true. Time to assault Beth.

Beth is in her room sleeping. She is also kind of old (like Jon old, I think), so you know she needs her rest to keep up. Tonya starts yelling at her, trying to get her to explain herself. "How dare you ruin a relationship by exposing my lies! Bitch!" Beth is not really that into the argument, but she suggests a good enough resolution. Bring Robin over here, everybody can say what they need to, and they can take care of it.

But Tonya has not had enough. She goes back up to Beth, and then threatens her some more. When the threats don't work, Tonya takes it out on Beth's clothes. This time, she didn't wait for the bag to float in the water, she just threw the things off of the balcony.

By this time word started getting around. Nobody really wanted to help Beth, instead, they were taking pictures with her clothes like one of those cutouts at the zoo. The Miz was simply ecstatic. He praised the Bunim/Murray gods for choosing him for the greatest challenge ever. Veronica and Rachel were very happy with what they did. As Veronica said "We're mean. We're like the mean girls." Rachel and Veronica, they got the brains and the attitude.

I guess I have to talk about the rest of the episode, since these competitions are really what we watch the show for (HA!). Tonya had to sleep in a hotel because Beth felt scared. And although nobody really likes Beth, you would think that some of her teammates would have at least been a little more understanding about what went on. It's not like Tonya just yelled at her, she damaged her property. Maybe Beth is being a little paranoid, but if Tonya was ready to damage her stuff, and that hadn't worked out, what would have stopped Tonya from taking a swing at Beth? Not much I say. I don't like Beth, but it is quite obvious that she is an outcast among her teammates. As goes with these productions, as long as you are not the one that is getting singled out, you are fine with whatever goes on, and you really don't care how bad they feel.

Beth pouted a little bit the next day about the competition. She didn't really want to go until Tonya left and she was compensated. I actually don't think it was that big of a request, but her teammate's thought she was selfish. I think Beth realized that her teammates didn't like her, so she wanted to do something to get some money out of this thing. Beth eventually decided to go to the challenge, which was called "Ring Toss".

The Inferno II ring toss is kind of extreme. Well, sort of extreme. The players didn't throw rings, they just swung from a cord attached to a crane, and released their partner in a way so they would fall through a set of targets in the water. The closer to the middle you got, the more points your team would score. The team with the most points would win the money. With so much time spent with the Tonya/Beth thing, they really didn't try and make any suspense with the competition, and it really wasn't hard. The only team to have anybody score any points was the Bad Asses. Another $10,000 in the bank, another group of pissed off good guys.

You can imagine how pissed Tina was. Beth had said that her name wasn't even mentioned, so I am sure that Tina will get pissed at her next week for something. I say it should be a good match. I hope Robin wins because I would love to see Tina go early. The best development was with Beth. She hates her team, she hates her teammates, why not play a little sabotage while she's still there? I am not sure how long it would last, because not everybody on the Bad Asses is an idiot, but I hope she gets some weeks of subterfuge in, it would certainly add to the pointless melodrama, and have me tuning in each week.

Posted by at 11:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Although I loved last week's episode of 24, there was something missing. You know, terrorists. Don't you just love watching Jack and the Super Friends take them out? I guess you could say the corporate commandos and the executives of McClennan-Forster were terrorists and Jack and his friends did take them out, but it's just not the same. The commandos would have stopped killing with Jack, Paul, and the two random kids running the sporting goods store. Marwan and his bunch are out to kill, well, the American way of life would be a good start.

Jack made it out of the firefight alive and with all of his appendages functioning. Paul Raines was not so lucky. He decided to step in front of two bullets headed for the man who tortured him only a few hours before. Paul was able to run several multi-million dollar companies at the same time, but couldn't deduce that maybe he was more vulnerable to bullets since he didn't have any kevlar. But you can't really rip on him for being a good person.

While they are in the helicopter flying to CTU, Jack calls Audrey on the phone and lets her know he is all right. But when he tells her that Paul was shot, she has that skeptical look on her face that said "Did you shoot him?". I am sure it was in the back of her head, along with "Maybe it was better when i was sleeping with the enemy..."

I also have a great idea of what was going on in the back of Paul's head. It was something like "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE DON'T LET ME BE TREATED IN THE CTU CLINIC". Sorry Paul, the crack team of doctors that took such good Myra Driscoll are now going to get a shot at you. I am not sure why they didn't go to Cedars Sinai or perhaps the USC medical center, god knows they have seen their share of bullet wounds. If you had just been tortured by an electrical appliance, maybe you would try the CTU clinic. I am really not so sure about everything else.

Also, is it normal for governmental agencies to have clinics and trauma surgeons hanging around? I know they have to keep people around with all of the torture going around and all, but what about the other parts of the government that are torturing people? Do they have their own clinics? I thought we were supposed to be in a new era of interdepartmental cooperation. Oh well.

Whatever happens to Paul, you know that his sacrifice wasn't for nothing. CTU was able to pull a bunch of names off of the encrypted printout that Paul gave them, including one person who was on the terrorist watch list. The only problem was that they had no way to get him, no way to tell if Marwan hadn't contacted him first, and no assurance that he would take them to Marwan when they got there. They needed somebody with some knowledge of the cells and a credible plan to get them inside. There is only one man for the job, and we know it's Jack, but Jack needs help, and there is only one person who can help him. Dina Araz.

I do get a little titillated at the thought of Shohreh Aghdashloo on screen. She is such a ridiculously great actress, she steals every scene. And that VOICE. Amazing. I could do the Dina Araz voice all day. "Behrooz, it will be OK". "Navi, you killed our son! Our only son!". "I am only doing this for my son." "Why should I help you?". Go ahead, try it yourself. Get some practice and then use it on some of your coworkers. You will be the hit of the water cooler.

Dina betrayed her cause once in order to save her son, so Jack thinks she will do it again if he can find some more leverage. He finds her in the interrogation room, and offers her a chance at witness protection, and a life with her son. Since Behrooz is the only thing she is living for at the moment, she decides to take a chance.

Last week, we were given a teaser for the next big terrorist plot in store for us. They weren't able to behead the Secretary of Defense, and they were only able to destroy one nuclear reactor, which is bad, but if you look at the percentages, their score wasn't even enough to get into Sacred Heart. But they had backup plans for all of their failures, and this time was no different. We weren't sure what was going to happen, but it had to do with a very creepy looking white dud dressed up in a pilot's uniform.

At first I thought that Marwan had found somebody within the Air Force to carry out his next plan, but he found the next best thing. He did have an Air Force pilot in mind, but our creepy dude was going to be a body double. All that was left was to find this man in a compromising position and/or threaten his family to get him to go with the plan. For good measure, both happened. As our pilot friend was just getting off of his girlfriend, his wife called. On his girlfriend's phone.

Of the million things that he must have been thinking about at that moment, one of them probably wasn't that his family had been taken a hostage and he would have to cooperate. He surely wasn't ready to turn around see that the girl he had just been boning a few minutes earlier had a gun pointed at him. When he did get his wits about him and try to take that girl out, he must have been equally as surprised when she knocked him to the ground and said "I learned those moves from my friend Mandy". OK, I made the Mandy part up. We are not quite sure what this pilot's job was, but it was obvious the body double would be performing his duties that evening.

At CTU, Jack debriefed Michelle, and she agreed to the plan. What is that plan, you say? It's actually quite simple really. You have Dina Araz drive to this guy Fayed's house, walk in, and ask to meet Marwan. He has probably never seen her, and her husband has already told Marwan she is a traitor. But they have thought of all of that as well. To prove to the terrorists that Dina is still loyal, she will take a hostage. That hostage will of course be Jack. Since they have to do it quickly and know that the terrorists will be waiting for somebody with a tracking device, they will have to go in with only satellite and remote audio surveillance. Wow, I can't think of anything that could go wrong with this scheme.

Michelle knew she would need her top people there, and she was getting kind of worried about Edgar. He did save thousands of lives a few hours ago, but you can tell his nerves were getting a little thin. He mouthed off to Tony, and it seemed he was losing his focus. But could there be anybody out there that was good enough to work the computers. Well, we know the best damn systems analyst in the country was fired because she clashed with Erin Driscoll. Ms. Driscoll was gone, so why not call her back.

I have been lucky enough to recap when a lot of the big names came back. First there was Tony Almeida, then there was Michelle Dessler. As much as I like those two characters, they do not have half the personality that Chloe O'Brian. Michelle knew right away that she should call Chloe, and we were right away treated to some of that great Chloe style. When Chloe heard that Driscoll was no longer in charge of CTU she said "Oh, she got fired? That's too bad". Edgar has done a good job of keeping us amused and doing the computer mojo at CTU, but it's going to be good to have Chloe back. As soon as she gets to CTU (and it looks like she lives about two minutes away), she gets right into it with Edgar. Edgar might look upset that Chloe is there and Michelle didn't have confidence he could do his job, but you know he is just happy to have his crush back.

Jack and Dina get to Fayed's house. They made an elaborate alibi that she was being transported when some more of the terrorist cell tried to rescue her, because, you know, it would be awful if somebody martyred themselves for the cost. In the resulting firefight, all of the terrorists were killed and Dina was able to take in Jack, who had been injured. Well, we all know that Jack in fact had not been injured, so how was he going to fake that? Why, stab himself in the abdomen of course!

We have seen Jack do some crazy shit, and we know Dina Araz is pretty ruthless, but I think everybody was pretty amazed when Jack just stabbed himself in stomach. I mean, it's not like he cut his hands off to save Los Angeles from a plague, but it looked painful nonetheless. And when Dina saw him do this, she had this look on her face that said "Shit, why do these high strung guys always pick me for their missions? First Navi, now this guy. What the hell was I thinking?"

Dina took Jack to Fayed's door. If you are trying to imagine what this guy looks like, imagine a Lebanese version of Edgar, except Fayed is a bigger slob. Dina and Fayed were part of two completely different cells, so they never saw each other, or even knew that he existed. When she was at the door, he said that he had no idea what she was talking about and would call the police. Well, we know THAT is a lie, and so did Dina. She eventually gets him to let her in. He knocks Jack over the head, calls Marwan, and gets instructions to make a swap. Although the people at CTU weren't able to trace the call, they were able to listen using the parabolic transsomethingorothers and get some information.

There was some other developments at CTU having to do with Paul Raines. Audrey was distraught waiting for him to come out of surgery, and her dad helped to comfort her. He stayed around just long enough for the surgeon to come out and say that they needed to bring a neurosurgeon in, because one of the bullets had lodged on his vertebrae. Surprise, surprise! The clinic at CTU wasn't able to handle it, so they brought in a doctor...from Cedar's. Hey, I would have airlifted him there in the first place, but what do I know? Secretary Heller then had to be whisked away for some important business with the president. I think he'll be OK though, because no CTU security detail was following him.

Although CTU believed they were closing in on Marwan, they had no idea about what was going on with Marwan's next work of art. Now, when the pilot was threatened with his life and his family's life, what did he really think would happen? He already tried to ambush his way out of there once, he wasn't going to just stay silent and do nothing. The pilot (the real one) drove onto his base, and somehow he got past the security with a dude in his trunk (probably in the spare tire area or something?). He actually seemed surprised when his doppleganger told him his family was dead, shot him twice and stuffed him in his own trunk. He would have been to relieved to know that his doppleganger chose to cut off his thumb after he killed him and not before.

So Fayed takes Jack and Dina for a ride in his Taurus. CTU has them on satellite, and they are being followed from behind. Michelle Dessler really gets things done, there is now way anybody can escape! Well, actually there is a way. They pull into a tunnel, so the satellite images don't help. While inside the tunnel, some of Marwan's goons take Dina and Jack out of the car and into an anonymous white van. Fayed drives off, and naturally CTU follows him. He pulls off onto a bridge, waits for a few agents to get close, then detonates a car bomb. There goes another crack member of the CTU security team.

Well, Michelle better act quick. Her CTU field team didn't do so well, and they need to find that van. Set up a perimeter! THAT ALWAYS WORKS. The van rendezvous in a dark alley with Marwan. He doesn't believe that Dina is not a traitor, so he asks her to prove her loyalty. Take this gun and shoot Jack.

This is a scene we have all scene before, and it happens every season. Last year, Jack actually shot Chappelle, but Dina can't shoot Jack. We'll just get a shot of her pointing the gun to his head, and then....tick, tick, tick, tick. Then again, MAYBE NOT. We did get a shot of Dina pointing her gun at Jack, but then she turns it on Marwan and shoots!

No ammo.

Damn, that has got to be kind of awkward, don't you think? Marwan, he is really one sly bastard. He takes Jack in one direction, and leaves Dina behind. She is taken off to a part of the alley, and then bang, bang, the best evil woman since Sherry Palmer bites the dust. (Or at least we think so. We didn't see her die, but a couple of hits from a Desert Eagle at close range kind of leaves a mess. What it doesn't leave behind is organs or brain matter.) I bet she was happy she got those last few kisses in earlier.

As big of a deal as that is, we still have to deal with the fake pilot. We know he has something to do with the president, we know he is going to be flying. He makes his way to a secure access area. Oh wait, what about the fingerprint reader? Phew, that's right, I did remember to cut off the guy's finger so I could get my way in. And what's behind the door? Fighter plane!

I don't know what is going to be happening next week, but in the words of reader MyMomStalksB-Side, "Two thumbs up for 24!"

Posted by at 10:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

We have accessed Hollywood Insider's Pat O'Brien's alleged voicemail messages to a coworker he is trying to coerce into a threesome with both he and an anonymous woman identified only as "Betsy."

Message after message the stunningly sleazy comments to his coworker get more and more graphic as Pat gets more and more into the idea of watching the voicemail recipient and "Betsy" or a "hire a hooker" do things to one another while doing "coke."

At one point, he seems to acknowledge his actions as being a little...well...off when he remarks "I dont know whats wrong with me...I dont do this" and then leaps right back into "...but I just want to make you *expletive* crazy...let's just *expletive* have sex and fun and drugs.....and go crazy."

Let us all just be thankful that this quasi-celebrity had the decency to make a series of sex voicemails and not the far more disturbing Pat O'Brien celeb sex video which surely would have resulted in hundreds or thousands of therapy hours.

Thank you to Nancy O'Dell for sending these in... (I kid.)

By the by, Pats wife name is Linda, not Betsy...Linda. tsk tsk tsk
Complete audio voicemails after the jump....

CAUTION...UNLESS THE VOLUME IS VERY VERY LOW, THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT SAFE FOR WORK

To listen to the audio, click on Pat O'Brien cartoon above or click here

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 9:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (80)

Ever get the feeling American Idol is phoning things in this season? Well, we do, especially now that the exclusive TVgasm insider at the Fox network has revealed that tonight's supposed live episode aired on the East Coast with WRONG PHONE NUMBERS. We don't know how it happened since they had the full 24 hours to edit the mistakes, having been taped Monday night. Fox will re-air a corrected version of tonight's episode on the East Coast on Wednesday 3/23. The live results show to will now air on Thursday nationally.

So beware, East Coasters. That vote for Bo Bice might actually be a pledge for Constantine. NOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Kudos to Fox in their never-ending quest to turn Rupert's network into 20th Century Seacrest.

madeyoulaugh....out!

UPDATE - DETAILS OF THE EAST COAST BLUNDER AFTER THE JUMP

From Reality TV Magazine by way of our good friends at Reality Blurred here are the details of tonights AI IQ Error.

• The number for Mikalah was supposed to be 1-866-43657-09 but the text on the bottom of the screen showed 1-866-43657-01 (which is the number for Anthony Fedorov).
• For Anwar Robinson the screen text at the bottom showed 1-866-43657-02 (which is the number for Carrie Underwood). Anwar's correct number should have been 1-866-43657-10.
• Finally, for Jessica Sierra the screen text at the bottom showed 1-866-43657-03 (which is the number for Scott Savol). Jessica's correct number should have been 1-866-43657-11.

UPDATE II: Fox now has their explanation on the American Idol Website:

If you woke up this morning, you found out about the news from your local radio station or newspaper. If you read TVgasm before you went to bed, you would have already known. We work hard for our readers. Thankfully, our friends at MSNBC had the good sense to give credit where it was due.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 7:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (28)

Big news. Jerry from The Bachelorette 3 has been spotted... again. This time his smoldering visage graces a banner advertising the opening of Lily's Hair Studio, an establishment that promises a Supercuts-worthy variety of 'dos for kids AND guys! Surely this plum spokesmodel position might be considered "lame" or "laughable", but it's pretty obvious from the pic that Lily most likely poached a headshot from the mid 90s. Still, after a post-Bachelorette career that's had him chilling out with Danny Bonaduce, it might be safe to say that Lily's could very well be a high point on Jerry's resume. Hey, and work is work. Rumor has it he'll be lending his image to Madeleine Ippolito's Garage Sale in South Salem, NY. Come for Jerry, stay for the Fiestaware!

Thanks to TVgasm reader Cara for not only having eagle eyes but snapping a photo too. And big ups to her for interrupting her St. Patrick's Day celebration to get the shot. For all those wishing to see the banner in person, check out Lily's Hair Studio, located at 300 E. 88th Street, NYC. TVgasm also welcomes any photos readers wish to take of themselves with the Bachelor banner. Perhaps a photo contest? Email all entries to bside@tvgasm.com...

Posted by at 12:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

In a stunning display of airbrushing at its finest, Gail Berman's only moderately puffy mug graced the cover of THE HOLLYWOOD REPORTER online today in what is bound to be the talk of the town...until I let out details of a certain threesome with a married man in a jacuzzi at Sundance....

In a stunner of an executive shuffle that impacts a major network and a top movie studio, sources said Fox entertainment president Gail Berman is headed to Paramount Pictures to take on the top creative post under newly appointed chairman Brad Grey.

UPDATE AFTER THE JUMP

Sources said Berman informed News Corp. president and chief operating officer Peter Chernin of her decision to leave the network for Paramount late Monday night. Berman had been in negotiations with Fox to renew her contract with the network, which is set to expire later this year.

Berman has been Fox Broadcasting Co. entertainment president since 2000. During her tenure, the network has developed such signature series as the Emmy-winning "24" and "Arrested Development." She joined the network after developing its hit family comedy "Malcolm in the Middle" during her two-year tenure as the founding president of Regency Television, a joint venture of News Corp. and New Regency Enterprises. Before that, Berman was president of Sandollar Television, where she helped Joss Whedon develop "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" into a TV series for the WB Network.

UPDATE
SALARY IS REPORTED TO BE $6,000,000/year

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 12:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

By B-Side and Madeyoulaugh

TVgasm rarely covers made for TV movies, but every once in a while, a true gem comes along that must be seen. No, we're not talking about Dynasty: The Making of Guilty Pleasure. We're referring to Spring Break Shark Attack, CBS's latest and random foray into the teen horror genre. Needless to say, it was terrible. And yet two hours later, we left the TV feeling supremely entertained. But that might have more to do with some awkwardly placed herpes commercials.

Anyway, with The OC's Shannon Lucio at the helm, we would be remiss to leave this movie uncommented on. So without further review, here is the TVgasm play by play of Spring Break Shark Attack.

(Please note that all times are approximate and most likely incorrect.)

9:00pm
The movie opens with a random quartet of thirtysomething ladies having a picnic on the high seas. It's not really very logical, especially since the ladies are draped around an inflatable raft, a.k.a. the easiest thing to capsize EVER. One slovenly woman excitedly mentions that Spring Break is just around the corner. Aren't these ladies a bit old to be doing Spring Break? Or are we in for a bunch of Gabrielle Carteris coeds?

9:01pm
"Alice would have loved this," says one of the Kim Catrall wannabes. Everyone sighs. Um, are we supposed to catch the significance of Alice? The Sex In The Ocean moment is brutally interrupted though when the ugliest member of the group is suddenly pulled underwater. General screams ensue, followed by the obligatory consumption of each woman. Wait, I wanted to know more about Alice. Oh cruel world! Whither Alice? Whither Alice?

9:02pm
We meet Danielle, played by Shannon Lucio who displays little if any range from her Lindsay character on The OC. At least she's better than the monotone actresses playing her two friends. "Come on Danielle," they say, trying to coax their bookish friend down to Spring Break. "The sun, the surf, the sand. And tons of gorgeous men." Yeah, that's all great, but why did they hire the people who dub over Asian movies to play her friends?

9:05pm
Danielle asks her dad if she can go to Spring Break. He says no. "Those guys, they're all sharks." Okay, we'll just start up the obvious shark foreshadowing counter now. 1.

9:05pm
Danielle's dad notes that preying on innocent girls is what guys do on Spring Break. "It's in their nature." Shark foreshadowing: 2.

9:06pm
The scene and movie comes to a complete halt (or at least maintains its halted state) when Danielle calls out her dad for an affair he had a few months ago. Mom and Dad look down at their plates sadly. Who called in Edward Albee for the rewrites?

9:06pm
Exactly one second after the family seems headed for a domestic drama not seen since The Ice Storm, or at least an Olive Garden commercial, Danielle's parents happily smile as they wave goodbye to their daughter who's going off to help Habitat for Humanity. So that whole extra-marital affair thing, we'll just pretend it didn't happen, mmkay?

9:10pm
Tricky Danielle doesn't go to Colorado to build houses for the poor. She sneaks off to Florida where the music never stops! We then are treated to a lovely montage of bikini bottoms prancing around the shoreline. Ah yes, Vagina Beach. Home of, you guessed it, vagina. We then cut to a random old man sitting amongst the young coeds and reading a newspaper. Look, I know directors like to do cameos, but this just isn't working.

9:13pm
Danielle is finally reunited with her friends. They accuse her of having skin that's too pale. What's the remedy? Why a montage, of course! Cut to the galpals trying on hats and sunglasses. Man, Spring Break has really gotten out of control.

Check out the sexy Spring Break hat.

9:14pm
Danielle and her nameless friends stroll along Seagull Beach. "That is the coolest!" they say, pointing to a few guys swimming in a small, inflatable pool. Hey ladies. Don't look now, but to the right, there's a whole OCEAN. Crazy, huh?

9:14pm
The girls seem unfazed by the gay pride parade rolling by the beach. We can't see it, but based on the diva techno in the background, it's safe to assume RuPaul is just a few feet away. Meanwhile, Danielle and her posse marvel at other sights of CBS's Spring Break. Why, over there is a dry bikini contest! Oh, and look, there's an air bong. It's like a beer bong, except instead of beer, there's air. Awesome!

9:15pm
We meet J.T. We know he's bad because he's carrying around a video camera and trying to get girls to flash their titties. Plus, he looks like Dan Cortese.

9:18pm
Kathy Baker surfaces in the middle of this mess as a homely local who rents out fishing boats to Spring Breakers. Sadly, turns out her little beach isn't as popular as Seagull Beach which apparently built an artificial reef to lure in the coeds. Yeah, Spring Break is all about the ecosystems, man.

9:18pm
The residual checks from Cocktail and FX have apparently dried up as Bryan Brown arrives to chat with Kathy Baker. Through some clunky exposition, we learn that Kathy Baker is hard up for money as Bryan Brown hands her a $100 bill. No word on whether any sexual favors are included in that deal. Still, Kathy Baker nods towards the incoming students and says "The invasion begins." Shark foreshadowing: 3.

9:19pm
Kathy Baker's dreamy son arrives wearing a sleeveless flannel button-down. Turns out he's not a lesbian, but a handyman. He alerts us that he's got to fix some fishing boat. Uh oh. Hope that boat doesn't flunk out on anyone, you know, especially during a shark attack, if that were to happen.

9:22pm
Two researchers babble on a boat. One is a chubby Indian dude with a British accent. The writers prove how hip they are by having him say "Get jiggy with it." Sadly, he didn't follow up with "This is a great Spring Break, NOT!" The other researcher seems to be the unholy lovechild of Johnny Mosely, Jason Schwartzman, and Weird Al Yankovic. The two guys seem oblivious to the giant pool float lurking towards them. Oh wait, that's a shark.

9:25pm
Danielle has inexplicably broken off from the pack to look for her.. brother? Okay, we'll just go with it. Instead she finds Shane working on his boat. The two have instant corpse-on-corpse chemistry. Danielle stammers. Oooh. What's she gonna do? Invite him to the party tonight? Oh, she should do that. Do it Danielle! Do it! Sweet relief. Danielle invites Shane to the party. "It's not my scene," he says, adding "Seriously, I'm not in that scene. You have to talk to the writers."

9:28pm
Danielle's friends ask her "Feel guilty about coming here?" Danielle laughs and says no. Meanwhile, in Colorado, a homeless family stands by a pile of lumber and waits for a volunteer to arrive.

9:30pm
JT becomes smitten with Danielle for no good reason except that she's the star of the movie. Normally you'd think he'd go after all the hotter, less prudish coeds who have no qualms entering a dry t-shirt contest. JT asks if Danielle has ever been on Spring Break before. She says no, and he replies, "There's nothing like your first time." He then adds, "By the way, that was a double entendre. I was referring to sex."

9:35pm
Later at the club, JT taps a girl on the shoulder. It's Jennifer Aniston! The girl gives him that patented "You date raped me" look and marches away. Tough crowd.

9:37pm
Danielle and Shane manage to flirt without sparks at the bar. Later they dance to more techno not heard since the days of La Bouche's "Be My Lover". Luckily for Shane, everyone else at the club seems to be wearing flannel. Honestly, was this filmed in 1996?

9:38pm
A slow song comes on at the club. Does that happen? Danielle and her friends become mortified when they realize they're actually at a 6th grade dance.

9:40pm
Danielle's friend exclaims, "Have you seen all the hot guys from Dartmouth?" Hey, maybe this movie ain't so bad after all.

9:43pm
After babbling about Dartmouth boys, Danielle's friends drag her away from both Shane and JT. Aw. Even CBS has cockblocks.

9:43pm
Danielle and Shane have escaped to the local bookstore directly next door to the club (the music comes in through the walls, natch). Gotta love those late night Spring Break bookstores. I wonder if Fat Tuesdays will be adding on that Jane Austen reading room.

9:44pm
Shane comments that the bookstore is more of his scene. He then reveals that he's saving up for college and wants to be an engineer. Doesn't really explain his love of bookstores, unless of course they're in a store devoted to technical pamphlets. The two talk about their hopes and dreams while browsing through stacks of disorganized volumes. And by "browsing", I mean they pick up a book, flip through pages without actually looking down at what's in their hands, and then put the book back on some random pile. Things get intense when Danielle grabs a book from behind Shane, almost causing an accidental kiss. Yes, if there's anything Spring Break is known for, it's gentle flirting.

9:45pm
JT's friend and some random blonde chick hang out in a curiously well lit corner of the ocean. The girl freaks out because she feels something graze her foot. Maybe if you looked down into the remarkably well lit water, you might see a shark. Suddenly the girl is dragged underwater. JT's friend laughs it off and accuses her of being a jokester. Again, a gander at the well lit water might... oh never mind. Moments later, the shark tugs JT's friend into the water, although we could have sworn he dove in himself. Suddenly, a bloody geyser gushes out of the water. Wow, the shark made him blow up! And by the way, that was pretty cool of the girl to wait for the guy to get eaten before she bled in the water too.

Wow, that guy full on exploded. You'd think with all the light in the water he'd see the shark coming.

9:46pm
Danielle finally meets her brother at his apartment, and it turns out that he's the researcher from before. No, not the Indian guy, although I would have liked to have heard the backstory on that scenario. Danielle goes in for some household appliance humor as she teases her bro for hoarding a suctionless vacuum cleaner. After we were done chuckling at the badinage, the brother explained that what she thought was a suctionless vacuum cleaner was really a device he was designing to help rid entire beaches of sharks. Oh, but it doesn't work yet. Better get crackin'! You only have an hour and fifteen minutes left! Before the visit is over, Danielle's brother says that whatever she does, don't go in the water! He has a shark sense. We personally would like to see Danielle's brother at a party with Dennis Quaid from The Day After Tomorrow, Jeff Goldblum from Independence Day, and the guy who predicted the asteroid in Deep Impact.

9:48pm
Danielle watches in horror as a coed languishes in the surf. Is it a shark? No, it's JT. Oh wait, it's almost like JT is a shark. So many levels.

9:52pm
JT asks Danielle and her friend what they're up to for tonight. "Come to the party," he says, adding "I was thinking about date raping one of you, so come on. I'll bring chips."

9:54pm
Shane, rockin' another flannel vest, encounters his mom, who's just had a visit from Danielle. "A girl came by. What's her name?" eggs on Kathy Baker. I don't know what her name is, you're the one who took the message, MOM.

9:55pm
Shane tells Kathy Baker that he's going to go off and check on the boat. Sure you are, laughs Kathy Baker. Hey, stop laughing at my imminent masturbation, MOM!

9:55pm
Bryan Brown returns. He shells out more cash for Kathy Baker. We like the prostitution undertones. It's a layer.

9:58pm
"Is Karen here?" asks a nymphet, walking into the gals' beach house. "I'm Karen!" responds, well, Karen. Moments later, a guy walks in and asks if Vinnie's there. Sadly, Karen resists the urge to say "I'm Vinnie!"

10:00pm
Uh oh! Looks like the few people Karen invited over went and invited a few more people and they invited a few more. There's a rager at the Spring Break house! This is exactly the sort of bad stuff daddy warned Danielle about. Oh and look, there's another air bong! This is getting out of control!

10:01pm
The aforementioned Karen yells out to a partygoer, "Hey, drop that vase!" Wow, someone tried to steal a vase. MY GOD!

10:02pm
JT arrives looking less like Dan Cortese and more like JC Chasez. He prances around with a look on his face that seems to say "I only button two buttons on my shirt." Man, he's a real shark!

10:03pm
As more gay pride techno pipes through the stereo, a random older dude grinds with Danielle and JT. If this were ESPN, that would certainly go on the highlight reel.

10:03pm
In a random subplot that promises to go absolutely nowhere, Danielle's non-Karen friend grabs a hold of JT's video camera. She retreats to a quiet, sob-friendly corner of the house where she views the Spring Break footage. It's a girl in a bikini standing around. Oh man, this is too hot! The girl finally takes her top off, but the camera conveniently whips around to JT's friend laughing. Danielle's friend is crushed by this footage. We are sadly deprived the luxury of watching Visine eyedrops roll down her cheeks.

10:04pm
Shane arrives from the party. Glad to see him back from the bookstore/engineering lab. Kinda wish he'd brought some flannel vests for everyone.

10:05pm
Danielle and Shane are suddenly at a food court. She orders a very family friendly soda. JT arrives magically and manages to slip a roofie into the drink. He hands the soda to Danielle with a look that seems to say "Try this. It's what I like to call a rape and tonic."

10:06pm
Later in the evening, Danielle feels sick! What pray tell will happen?? We're not sure, but we think it might have to do with rape.

10:06pm
JT proves to have terrible roofie etiquette. He leaves Danielle alone, making her the easy target for any other drunken poacher. Luckily, she stumbles out to a bonfire, but sadly she does not become engulfed in flames. Shane is there to grab her, kiss her, and then carry her back into the party. As they re-enter the house, some guy says "Check it out!" Yeah man! Somebody's carrying someone! And someone found a vase too! Best Spring Break EVER!

10:07pm
JT ascends to a room where Danielle's passed out on a bed. We know he intends to rape her because the camera tilts down to his crotch for a gratuitously long crotch shot. Meanwhile, the movie suddenly remembers that there's supposed to be sharks on screen, so we cut to two girls lying on a dock, complaining about boys. One of the girls stands up and walks away for no real reason. She might as well have said "I'm gonna go not die now." Her friend simply lies there, eventually falling victim to a giant, plastic shark head which supposedly chomps down on her foot, but from what we could see, missed her completely. We'll just assume its gravitational pull dragged the girl into the water.

I only drink Chablis on Spring Break.

10:08pm
Back in the roofie suite, JT has now made his move. Well, he's nuzzled his nose against Danielle's and kissed her cheek. "You cannot resist my hair which is both crunchy and oily all at the same time!" Suddenly Shane walks in to check on his beloved lass. He asks what JT's doing. "I was just... um... date raping. I mean, rape dating. I mean, watching Desperate Housewives." There's a pregnant pause, and for a moment we wonder if Shane and JT are going to make out. Finally, bitch is asleep. We can succumb to our urges!

10:09pm
The next morning, Danielle tells her roommates that she doesn't remember anything from the night before. They surmise that someone slipped her a roofie. Suddenly Danielle recoils in disgust. Oh my god, I called my dad, she says, suddenly remembering a random moment. I mean, yeah, someone slipped a drug into her soda in order to take advantage of her sexually, but that doesn't compare to calling her dad!

Hey, Shane. I'm here to rape your engine.

10:10pm
Kathy Baker makes a funny. She says a fraternity cancelled on her: "Alpha Beta Zeta Jones." Hey, I was in that frat. Kathy Baker then falls victim to a roofie and lets JT have his way with her. They do it doggy style.

10:15pm
Danielle and the crew all hit the open water in Shane's boat. JT waltzes around on the deck looking bored. We half expect him to say "Danielle, just let me rape you real quickly. I mean, it doesn't have to be you. Who wants to be raped? Did I mention I'm a shark?" Meanwhile, Shane reacts to JT's presence by honing his inner pirate and eating apple slices off a knife. ARGH!

10:18pm
Everyone except Shane jumps into the water to swim. Moments later, a red liquid appears in the waves. Guys, the boat's bleeding. Shane yells out "There's blood in the water!" The kiddos respond to him with blank looks, even as the bloody water surrounds them. Finally they get the hint and climb back up into the boat. Poor Danielle though has swum out too far. "Are you guys sure it's blood?" she asks idiotically. No, Danielle. It's not blood. It's just a huge amount of cranberry juice that just happens to have attracted the two sharks swimming behind you.

While Danielle furiously swims for the boat, the sharks decide not to attack but quietly observe their prey from a distance. Shane tosses her a flotation device but tells her to be very still -- the sharks rely on motion. I liked this better when it was called Jurassic Park. Danielle's fear of lumbering, plastic sharks comes to a head as she begins screaming. The sharks circle her several times, but apparently they are blind, deaf, and unable to sense the warm blooded prey directly next to them. Eventually they swim away, and when they've covered a safe distance of about twenty feet, Danielle makes a break for the ship. Luckily, the sharks are feeble and can only wish to swim half as fast as Danielle.

10:17pm
The sharks attack the fishing boat, causing the coeds to scream and fall over as the camera shakes to and fro. "We're taking on water!" announces Shane. Everyone looks down to see that they are in fact standing in ankle-deep water. Do top decks usually leak before ship hulls?

10:20pm
Danielle's brother hauls several decapitated sea turtles out of the ocean. It's supposed to be a grim sight, but the turtles sort of look like big pillows. Based on the evidence in front of him, Danielle's brother announces that he can draw no other conclusion except that these turtles have fallen victim to sharks! Or maybe a ship's rudder. But we'll go with sharks.

10:23pm
The gang have docked the fishing boat on a random island. JT announces proudly that the beer's still good. Does beer usually go bad during a shark attack? Danielle brings some items onto the beach and discovers a pack of roofies! And one is missing! She flips the pack over, and discovers that the plastic is broken behind the pill that's missing! So that means the pill didn't just disappear. It was removed by a person! Oh what a horrifying, logical sight! The only thing missing is a big label that says "ROOFIES".

This broken plastic means one thing: this package of roofies wasn't accidentally missing one pill. Someone used one!

10:24pm
During a commercial break, CBS advertises its next made for TV movie, "Locusts!" Seriously CBS, you might want to fire some people. For the record, if it were called "Spring Break Locust Attack", I would totally watch it.

10:25pm
We return to the kids on their new island home. "What are we doing here?" asks one of them. Um, shark attack? A few hours ago? Ring a bell?

10:27pm
Danielle complains to Shane that she should have listened to her parents. Her dad was right. Let that be an obvious, moralistic lesson to you kids. Always obey your parents! Shane responds by saying "Your father won't take you serious." Actually, it's seriously. Shouldn't he know his adverbs, being a reader and whatnot?

10:30pm
The next morning, Danielle's friend stands in the surf and washes her face. Oh no! Will a tiny shark bite her nose??

10:30pm
Actually, no sharks attack the girl. Instead, the half eaten body of her boyfriend washes up instead. Of all the beaches in all the lands, why'd you have to wash up here?

10:31pm
The buds pile back into the boat and return to Seagull Beach. Why'd they spend the evening if the boat worked?

10:33pm
At the police station, JT and Danielle's two friends report the dead body. "This is twisted!" says JT, adding "By the way, is my constant use of ’90s slang turning anyone else on?"

10:34pm
Best moment of the night:

10:34pm
The herpes man rock climbs with a happy blonde. "It's been months since my last outbreak," he boasts, adding "But only minutes since I gave it to her. Bitch."

10:36pm
Shane tells his mom that the fishing boat's bait hatch or whatever was left open, causing accidental chumming that attracted the sharks. With this nugget of information, Kathy Baker then finds Bryan Brown at a beachside bar and accuses him of chumming the waters all week to put a few shark fins in the water and scare the crowds away from Seagull Beach in order to return patrons to the local businesses elsewhere. Wow, she's really intuitive. CBS should start CSI: Kathy Baker.

10:37pm
Mourning the death of his friend and several failed rape attempts, JT pounds some apple juice, I mean, beer. Hey, is this Spring Break Shark Attack going to start anytime soon?

10:39pm
A crowd of people has gathered on a pier. They spots sharks, and lots of them. Police officers come running with their nightsticks out. So are they going to club the sharks?

Look out! Pool toys on the horizon!

10:40pm
Shane and Danielle see the army of sharks approaching all the drunken coeds in the water. "Let's lure them away!" suggests Shane. How about you go warn all those people to get out of the water?

10:41pm
While Shane and Danielle spend forty five minutes loading chum into a chest, a drunken JT makes his move on a sexy girl in the water. Just when they're about to make out, a shark pulls her under. Man, even the sharks cockblock.

10:42pm
Geysers of blood everywhere! Apparently these people have grenades in their bathing suits.

10:42pm
Hey look, there's a parasailer. It looks like he's having a great time. Oh shit! He just sailed right into the mouth of a shark. Wow, that was great anticipation on the shark's part.

10:42pm
A girl emerges from the ocean with what's supposed to be a bite but looks like a bullet wound. My God! The sharks have guns!

10:43pm
Wow. This is like Normandy.

10:44pm
Well, JT's dead. Amazingly, the shark raped him before eating him. Now that's some good irony.

10:45pm
Here comes Danielle driving a boat. Huh? When did she learn how to do that? Shane, Danielle, and Charlie (that's her brother) arrive to chum the waters and lure the sharks out to the open water. Question: isn't it a bit late to chum? The sharks have already attacked. And isn't there enough natural chum now that the chum bait won't really have any effect? And why are you chumming where the coeds are? Luckily, the sharks speak English because when Shane says "Come and get it, sharks!" they actually listen and ignore all the half eaten bodies in the water (ie. dinner for three weeks) in favor of a floating chest that's seeping a little bit of blood.

10:45pm
Bryan Brown surveys the horror that is Spring Break Shark Attack. "This wasn't supposed to happen," he says. We're still unclear whether or not he's referring to his career.

10:46pm
Out on the open sea, the boat suddenly lurches and the bait box disappears under the waves. "What was that?" asks Danielle. Um, I believe it was a shark. You know, unless an Orca got loose too.

10:49pm
The ship rocks violently again. Shane double over in pain as we discover that an arrow seems to have gone straight through his shoulder. The sharks have crossbows too? What can't they do?

10:51pm
Charlie drops what appears to be oversized Christmas ornaments in the water. We'll win the sharks over with Holiday cheer!

10:52pm
We learn that the Christmas ornaments are actually pods, and inside them is Charlie's science experiment. He's reluctant to use his experiment at first, screaming "But it's a SCIENCE EXPERIMENT!" But then he relents. Unfortunately, the pods don't work. You see, if one of them malfunctions, they all malfunction. Kind of like Christmas lights, he says. Well, guess someone's got to go underwater and fix that pod! Can't be Charlie. He's got to man the computer. And Shane is injured (damn crossbow). Conveniently, there just so happens to be a female wet suit on board that fits Danielle perfectly. Don't really know why she needs one though.

10:53pm
Danielle dangles her foot just above the ocean surface. The camera pulls back to show that she's literally about to step on a shark's back. Maybe she should wait for it to swim away? Or maybe they should just go back to shore?

10:54pm
Danielle heads underwater to fix the Christmas ornament. A shark swims right at her, but then suddenly a burst of bubbles emerges from the pod. The shark scampers away terrified. Never underestimate the power of bubbles to keep sharks at bay.

10:55pm
With the Christmas ornaments safely driving the sharks back to the deep, all seems well on Seagull Beach. Amazingly, the media doesn't seem to care about the giant massacre. Danielle embraces her dad. The two have a sweet heart to heart, culminating with Danielle stating "Maybe I needed you. Maybe I didn't." Gosh, this is a really ambiguous ending. Hey remember how her dad had an affair and it never resulted in anything in the script? Yeah, that was great.

10:56pm
Danielle checks in on her beloved Shane, a.k.a. the guy she's known for just under two days. He says that he thought he was going to lose her. "You're never going to lose me," Danielle says, adding "Anyway, gotta go back home. Toodles!"

10:57pm
As they watch the sunset, Danielle jokes "What do you think? Next year Cancun?" Shane simply laughs and says "You're crazy!" He then adds, "Seriously. All those Mexicans? That's just too much for me."

And so ended CBS's triumphant foray into teen horror. It was truly terrible, and yet, we want more. Much more.

Posted by at 12:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (40)

Everybody here at TVgasm have had a lot to say about The OC. The first two real articles on TVgasm were B-side and I weighing in on what we thought of the first season. Believe us when we say that we are huge fans of the show. Therefore, when we thought the show was declining rapidly, we felt it necessary to make our voices heard, in recaps and in-depth analysis. Obviously we were not alone in our criticism, as many fans and critics said the same about many of the choices made the writers made this year. "It was so much better last year" we said, and it seems like the writers listened. This week, the writers hit the abort button and acknowledged most of the criticism, even as they mocked many of those points in the show.

We begin the episode at Harbor. Ryan and Seth are discussing how spring is here and...wait a minute, they are at school? Ever since Zach was out of the picture and Lindsay moved out, it seemed like there was no reason for anybody to go to school. Marissa would have been expelled under almost any circumstances, and if that asian headmistress was still around, she probably would have. It was that complete lack of focus with regards to the kids that was one of the biggest criticisms. The writers wrote as if the high school kids were running the World Bank or something, nothing was ever fun. Bravo to the writers for starting off on a good foot.

What started great turned into a little more of the same. Seth continued to talk about the spring, how almost a year had gone by, how people tried new things this year that might not have worked out (yard guys, illegitimate daughters, less fighting). Why Seth spoke for the critics with his comments, Ryan took a little shot at them by saying "maybe you remember last year as better because it was all new". Yes, I have never, ever, heard of a show about some California kids and their relationships in high school *cough*Saved By the Bell*cough*. And it was really ingenious to make those kids rich, because that was never tried before, well if you don't count Beverly Hills 90210. Of course, you do have the added soap opera with adults and what is going on with there lives, kind of like Melrose Place with married people. But yeah, it was pretty much all new.

Ryan finally said that you can sentimentalize about last year, and you can't live in the past. Well, if you say so, we'll give it a try. Since we aren't living in the past, they probably aren't going to have some big school event(perhaps a party?) where Ryan will have an altercation over Marissa's love. No, the fact that Marissa was organizing a spring bonfiire for the water polo team would not have anything to do with getting Ryan and Marissa to secretly work together and accidentally realize they were meant for each other. To make sure this doesn't happen, Summer urges Seth not to meddle too much in the relationship. Ryan and Marissa are great people, but are a train wreck as a couple. We learned that in the past.

Seth doesn't listen to Summer, of course. He wants Ryan to be happy. It will be at least a few years before Seth feels safe to come out of the closet and profess his undying love for Ryan (I think the real reason Ryan lives in the boathouse is so Seth doesn't "accidentally" walk in on him in the shower). The next best thing to making Ryan happy with himself is to make Ryan happy with someone else. Marissa is having a problem finding anybody to help her build this bonfire, so Seth comes up to her and suggests Ryan. He is into architecture, and he does love to burn things down. Perfect match!

Kirsten and Sandy are trying to patch up their marriage a little bit, and one of the ways people suggest to spice up your marriage is to have shared activities. In that spirit, Kirsten decides to skip out on her trip to the gym (while we aren't living in the past, why don't they bring Kirsten's gossipy friends back - they were GREAT), and do some golfing with her husband. And I do have to say, she is looking very waspy and very hot in her white golfing pants and argyle sweater. Even Sandy said she looked cute in her visor. The problem is that she sucks at golf. They eventually get into a conversation about Kirsten's work, and they discuss Carter Buckley (and perfectly waspy name in itself), and Sandy realizes that he was the publisher of one of his favorite counter culture magazines at Berkley, so he must be in good company.

After her little spot of golf, Kirsten arrives at work to find out that the her meeting with Carter and Julie about selecting some pictures for the Newport Living Magazine was cancelled. It is clear that Newport Living is just another avenue for Julie Cooper-Nichol to self-promote herself, but Kirsten thinks it might be good for the company and is putting all of her effort into it. Unfortunately, it appears that Carter has decided maybe it is not such a great gig, and Julie's mind is just not in the right place.

Ah yes, Julie. Her friend Lance is still looking for half a million dollars or he's going to leak some video of Julie Cooper and get his money that way. Julie doesn't know what to do, so she consults the one person she knows that can help her out. No, not her rich husband, but the only lawyer in town she is related to, Sandy Cohen, who tells her she needs to go to the police. Julie doesn't want the police involved, and she also wants to do all of this without getting Caleb involved. She said it was the 80s, she needed money, and it was the 80s. Now I didn't think that San Bernardino was a mecca for porn back then, but let's pretend it was and go on with the story.

We are used to seeing Julie as an antagonist or for comic effect, but it was obvious from her reaction that she had nowhere left to turn. She was desperate for Sandy to help, and it wasn't just for her own image. Her relationship with Marissa was in such a place that she feared her daughter would never talk to her if she found out about what she had done. She said this with greatest sincerity, and for good reason. Her other daughter isn't speaking to her because she was sent away to boarding school so very long ago, and hasn't been seen since. And while he is always willing to help, Sandy will never pass up an opening for a joke, he makes a Boogie Nights reference, and promises there will be a lot more.

While all of that was happening, Kirsten made a visit to Carter, only to find him drunk and listening to old music. Just in case you hadn't realized that you shouldn't live in the past, the writers want to show you how bad it is when that is what you obsess about. Carter is complaining about his failed marriage, and he can't stand that he is going to end up working for a magazine dedicated to 55 year old women who have 25 year old breasts (I guess they have been reading their Brentwood Magazine). He says she should find somebody else, and she decides to leave

About halfway through the episode, the writers make their first Valley reference. Seth is sitting around complaining how it was so much better last year. Marissa had convinced Ryan to help out with the bonfire, so they decided to meet at her place. First, Ryan needed some inspiration, so he asked for Captain Oats. Seth is still very attached to his toy horse, so he makes some sort of strange horse molestation joke. Thankfully, Ryan punched Seth, something that a lot of us had wanted to do all year, as annoying as Cohen has been at points this season. Tough guy Ryan(or his absence, to be exact) was also one of our complaints about this season. Just in case you didn't know people were complaining about it, Seth mentions it as well.

Ryan gets to Marissa's place. Alex is at work, so they have the entire place to themselves. There are clothes everywhere and beer bottles are strewn all over the place, kind of like the TVgasm offices after one of our parties. Actually, that is how the offices look most of the time, but Marissa and Alex's place looks worse. When he gets there, they get to work modeling the bonfire using popsicle sticks and glue. They needed Captain Oats because they need the correct proportion of a horse. Ryan is an architect and a carpenter, not a bad combination.

They go about their business and have an awkward hug, a hug witnessed by Alex. Alex had visited Seth earlier that evening(who desperately tried to find out if Alex and Marissa had taken any interesting pictures of their relationship), and since he was not very smooth, he let the little secret out that Marissa was not just stuck in the mall with everybody else, she was about to share a tent with Ryan too. Well, it was just over after that. If there is any threat to the propagation of true lesbian love, it is nefarious nylon tent cohabitation under times of duress. At least that is what the statistics say.

Alex had been sitting outside of her apartment, drinking a beer, working herself up into a tizzy about her girlfriend. As Ryan is walking away from the apartment, Alex throws a beer bottle at him and tells him to stay away from Marissa. Ryan is a huge pussy, but even in his season 2 pussiness level, he has no problem standing up to a girl. He tells her to walk away, she pushes him, and we think they are about to fight, but even Ryan can't hit a girl.

Julie understands this as well. She knows that she needs to find somebody that will be able to communicate with Marissa. Somebody she trusts and somebody who understands she needs to be back home. In a perfect world, Julie would have simply called up her ex-husband Jimmy, who Marissa had lived with, but was now in Hawaii. But since this whole thing needs to end sometime before the bonfire ends, she is going to have to ask somebody else.

So, just as he has done all year, Ryan is back to do the work that the adults can't do. He doesn't necessarily believe that he should be with Marissa, but his self-righteous streak is too strong. He can't let Marissa throw her entire life away just because she hates her mom, and he definitely should be the one tell her all about it. If Ryan was a lawyer, you know that Sandy would be out of a job.

Fortunately, Sandy is the lawyer, and he has been doing his best to represent Julie. It turns out that Lance owns all of the rights to the Porn Identity, and he is free to do with it as he pleases. This is really hard for Julie to hear, but she says that it's not like she could guarantee that Lance wouldn't leak the tape anyway when he got the money. This gives Sandy an idea. He goes to Lances motel room, and makes it known that he is going to buy the video, all of the prints, and any stills that were from it. Lance will get his $500,000, but if anything is leaked, he will be sued for piracy and copyright infringement. One problem is taken care of, and he lets Julie know that his agreement prevents a leak. The agreement also states that he has two more weeks to come up with the money. That means that Julie is going to either become a drug dealer or tell Caleb about the whole thing. See, she can't dwell on the past.

While Sandy was taking care of Julie, Kirsten had been working on finding some inspiration for Carter Buckley to get back into publishing. Carter was bummed about his marriage falling apart, but he was also really disappointed about seeing his career stoop to the level of Newport Living Magazine. Sandy had an old copy of Carter's work from Berkley, it was a time when Carter was inspired to see the good in people, and maybe he could do it again. The trick work. Kirsten deposited it into his mailbox, he picked it up, and then sobered up enough to tell Kirsten just how sorry he was, and that he wants to get back to work. It just doesn't make sense to live in the past.

Marissa is setting up the bonfire, but she is kind of lost. The horse's head is going to end up being attached to the horse's ass, and too many people are asking questions. Ryan had rushed to her apartment to convince her to move out, and then pulled his ever so charming, and well known schtick. He basically breaks into Alex's apartment with the intent of forcing Marissa out. He realizes she isn't there, but when confronted with Alex and the possibility she will fight for Marissa, he tells her to bring it. Seriously, I would have my money on Alex, Ryan really is very short. Plus, you know she will fight dirty.

Instead, Ryan heads to the bonfire. He wants to talk to Marissa, but she has other plans. She throws him into the fire (figure of speech) and he starts coordinating everything that has to do with the bonfire. He stands up on a chair (otherwise nobody would see him, he's very short) and really takes charge of the whole thing. They then cut to Marissa with a very happy look on her face that says "Wow, if I try hard enough, maybe I can marry a civil engineer."

The pep rally starts, and it looks like everything is going to go well, except Alex has decided to make one last stand for Marissa's undying love, and she brought reinforcements. She knew she could take Ryan, but that would not leave her any time to seduce Marissa back into her heart. Alex brings to of her friends to keep a tab on Ryan. They are about to fight when Marissa comes, and they decide to have "the talk".

You are going to find it hard to convince anybody that the whole Alex and Marissa thing was not a ratings stunt, but the next scene was handled well, or at least as well as anything we have seen this season. Although we haven't actually seen Marissa attend school in months, the two have all of a sudden decided that maybe they don't fit into each other's lives. Alex is running a bar, and Marissa drinks from the bar. Marissa goes to high school (we think), and Alex is a dropout. Alex likes women, and apparently Marissa is done with her lipstick phase and is back with the guys. They hug and break up. In an odd sort of twist, Alex says that maybe she will move back home and go back to school. I hear she has relatives in Pittsburgh and Chicago that might take her in (and therefore the writers will never have to have the messy situation of her living in Newport to deal with).

With the breakup taken care of, everything is right back where it should be. Ryan and Marissa are single and not seeing each other, which is the first step on their way back to being a couple. Seth had been trying to get them back together, and while I don't think Summer was trying to keep them apart, she certainly didn't want to force the issue. If Ryan and Marissa get together, and will their relationship progress any farther than the disaster stage is what the show will focus on in the next couple of weeks.

This might have been my favorite episode of 2005. As much as the writers tried using inside jokes and self-referential humor to poke fun at their critics, in the end the execution looked like they pretty much followed a lot of what many of us have been clamoring for. It's not just as simple as Ryan getting into fights and kids having fun and drinking. It's about the focus of the show and the characters and relationships chosen for emphasis. Ryan is still too self-righteous and there is still no mention of his pregnancy. There are also way too many Valley references. Then again, if the writers find it necessary to make fun of their critics as a way of making their show better, I guess that is something I will live with.

Posted by at 10:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (17)

OK, so much for all of my talk about being less tardy with the Real World/Road Rules Challenge (although I am really going to try to be better in the coming weeks). It turns out that the Inferno 2 is shaping up to be among the more interesting reunion seasons. So many of these people have turned Bunim/Murray appearances into a career that splitting the cast by sex or by season had become a little too boring. Eventually, the quality of the season will come down to the tasks and competitions, but the Good Guys vs. Bad Asses, while sort of dumb when you hear it, seems to have spawned some newfound rivalry and intensity among our cast, at least in the edited versions we get to see each week. Last week, the Good Guys lost, Mike and Dan were nominated for the Inferno, leaving us all in suspense (don't everybody laugh at once) to see if they could save themselves, or which one of them would be eliminated.

I am no saint, and I think it is pointless to legislate any sort of morality when it comes to alcohol or drug use, but I continue to notice just how much alcohol they provide for these people on the challenges. Yes, I realize that if Bunim/Murray didn't provide them with booze, the first thing they would probably do is buy their own stash, but eventually something big is going to happen. You would think that the promise of thousands of dollars and a free trip to Mexico would be enough to get people to say yes to an invitation to a challenge, but I guess people want more. Money, travel, and reality star celebrity is not enough, you see. There needs to be something else, and that something else is semi-anonymous sex you will be sort of ashamed of afterwards.

But wherever you have a have a bunch of people being promiscuous, you have to have at least a couple of people looking down upon them. We also call these people "married". They would be Julie and Jon, two of the Good Guys. As an added bonus, they also both love Jesus, which means plenty of extra self-righteousness to go around. Jon is also old, so he pulls off an amazing triple-threat of buzz kill. So when you see Landon and Derrick wrestling and acting like idiots, you can rest easy that Jon and Julie are around to represent God and love. They are outnumbered, but they believe.

I believe that last week when the Miz realized he was going into the Inferno, he acted tough and like he was ready for it, but you know that he didn't like the idea of another early exit. He thought he was robbed in Battle of the Sexes 2, lost out on Tough Enough. Without the exposure of the Inferno 2, you wonder if his merchandising would fall off completely. The Mizfits don't like a loser. As for Dan, he is a bad ass and can't be intimidated. If he can save himself, fine, but if not, he and his bad ass pink shirt will take on all challengers.

Mike and Dan had a chance to save themselves in this week's competition, "Juice It Up". No, the object of the game was not to take steroids for years and participate in a home run derby, it was much more elaborate. Each person on the team would have to grab some fruit off of a rope and then fill up a cup. Although they would be competing head to head, the game was being scored on cumulative times. Oh, and did I mention that they had to do all of this on stilts?

Yes, you heard me right. The contestants would strap on stilts, run to grab the fruit, then run back and fill their cups full of juice. Did I mention that they were on stilts? And these stilts are some sort of new stilt technology that I haven't seen before. Granted, I haven't been following all of the advances in stilt technology over the years, but these stilts were pretty advanced. You basically strap them onto your shoes, and you are good to go.

In the early going, it was all Good Guys. They were running back and forth and built up a huge lead against the Bad Asses. Although there were spotters ready to pick anybody up who fell over, it still cost you a lot of time if you weren't able to stay on your feet, or stilts in this case. I thought that this would be a perfect opportunity to make fun of Jon. He is easily the most portly of our current group, and it seemed like I would have an easy set up for some "the bigger they are the harder they fall type jokes". Instead, Jon completely exceeded my expectations by posting the fastest time of anybody after he was done.

It looked like the Good Guys were going to notch up there first win, and then the unthinkable happened. Jodi knocked over her glass of juice when she was about 80% done, meaning she had to go back and get more citrus. She was the only one who had to go back, and quickly erased what had seemed like an insurmountable lead for the Good Guys and given the Bad Asses a huge advantage instead. Jodi was particularly upset, and cried. Mike went last, and although there wasn't a very good chance that he could pull off the win for the Good Guys, he still had a chance to pull off a good time and save himself for the Inferno.

The great thing about the Inferno and the Gauntlet was that eliminations were decided by head to head matchups. With Battle of the Sexes, the voting became too cliquey and it ended up being nothing more than the Real World/ Road Rule veterans looking out for each other. The Inferno 2 also relies on head to head matchups, and the first competition would be "Hang Tough", where each person would do a rhythmic gymnastic interpretation of their favorite NKOTB hit. Jon chose the ribbon and Dan chose the hoop.

As enjoyable as all of that sounds, Hang Tough involved nothing more the two challengers hanging from some monkey bars, trying to stay on as long as possible. So the scaffolding was lowered, and Jon and Dan began their climb as they took the monkey bars back up. I am not sure if there was that much strategy involved, if I were Dan, I would have tried to hold out until the much larger Jon got tired. Dan instead became the aggressor and decided to use some of better bedroom tricks to take Jon down. He wrapped his legs around Jon, and sort of dry-humped him until Jon lost his grip and fell down.

Posted by at 4:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Well, it's pilot season, and over at the beleaguered Peacock, the potential new offerings are rolling in. NBC has expressed excitement about three new one-hours, "The Book of Daniel", "World of Trouble", and "The E-Ring."

"The Book of Daniel" features a pill-popping priest gone who has visions of, you guessed it, Jesus. Even crazier is that Jesus appears as a "contemporary, cool" hepcat, sort of like Dean Stockwell in Quantum Leap. NBC topper Kevin Reilly says that he's mucho excited for this pilot because it's really fresh and provocative. Well, I guess it's fresh for everyone who's never seen Joan of Arcadia. We'll just have to assume this version of the God sidekick drama will be shot with grainy filters and shaky cameras. You know, like Fastlane and Skin. Yeah, that's some fresh shit.

Other "fresh" pilots include two dramas centering on global terrorism. Oh good. I was afraid that the untimely cancelations of The Agency, Threat Matrix, and Line of Fire might mean we wouldn't have any more generic terrorist dramas thrown our way. The first pilot, "World of Trouble" is just begging for ridicule. Luckily, the producers changed the name from previous titles, "Globe of Badness" and "Planet of Pesky Problems." As for "E-Ring", it seems as though producers are hoping the addition of "ing" to "ER" will somehow yield high ratings. The series is not to be confused with "Earring", a terrorist drama taking place in the jewelry sector.

For more information on NBC's burgeoning pilot load, check out the Reuters article here. And for those of you wondering, I found this Jesus Freshmaker pic after I had named the post. Imagine my glee.

Posted by at 4:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Back in 1988, Paula Abdul asked us "Straight up now tell me, do you really want to love me forever? Or am I caught in a hit and run?" Well, we finally have an answer. As much as we may want to love Paula forever, the songstress appears to be the latest Hollywood diva to join the hit and run club, placing her with such vaunted company as Halle Berry and Rebecca Gayheart (technically, Rebecca Gayheart didn't run, but she did kill a little boy. Wah wah wah). According to an AP article, Paula Abdul clipped a car on the 101 Freeway back in December, but instead of pulling over and exchanging info, she simply motored away, proving to be to be one cold hearted snake of a driver.

Witnesses said that Paula really made the accident her own, noting that she "did great. Really great." When asked how she would describe Paula's erratic lane shifting, one woman simply stood up and clapped awkwardly with her arms fully extended in front of her.

Luckily, no one was hurt in the incident, but the victim did manage to capture Paula's license plate on a camera phone. The cheerleader-turned-singer has yet to address the press about the incident, but rumor has it she was fleeing from a giant, animated cat out to prove that opposites do, in fact, attract. For now, prosecutors are weighing whether or not to file criminal charges against Ms. Abdul, citing that they don't mean to make demands, but the word and the deed go hand in hand. As always, we'll keep readers abreast of this developing story.

Posted by at 3:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Good news! It's Friday. And not just any Friday. It's officially the beginning of Viacom's Spring Break. Today, MTV begins its annual ode to flesh and promiscuity with its every campy and ever addictive Spring Break 2005. I plan to watch eagerly and hopefully return with some snarky nuggets.

But even more exciting is Viacom's other offering: SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK! Yes, the Tiffany Network (that's CBS for all you head scratchers) will be premiering its campfest this Sunday at 9 pm. Surely we know we're headed for disaster when a network better known for its elderly viewers decides to make a foray into the teen horror genre. Oh, it's already been broughten.

I plan to take in the whole event and provide a detailed recap by Monday. I haven't decided if I will liveblog or not. We'll just have to see how it goes.

Posted by at 11:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

This post is going to have a couple of purposes. As you know, yesterday was St. Patrick's day, one of the greatest drinking holidays known to man. The TVgasm employees decided that we would get a little sloppy and enjoy the evening. We met with a few friends for happy hour, and after several beers, some green kamikaze shots, and plenty of irish whisky, the crew decided to call it a night.

I never go out hunting for celebrities, even those d-list celebrities that hang around much longer than anybody would have guessed. It's just not my nature, and if you live and go out in LA, you will bump into people eventually. Last night was one of those nights. Our tale is after the jump.

As we are paying our tab, I notice a couple of young women enter the bar, looking around for a table. They were none other than Veronica and Rachel of Road Rules and Real World/Road Rules challenge fame. I motion to let B-side know, but his famedar is great, so he already noticed. For some reason(read: whisky), we decided that seeing them was reason enough to stand up and high five each other in the bar. Little did we know that there would be a TVgasm story developing.

Making our way to the front, B-side noticed some jab from Paradise Hotel. For those of you who don't know him, B-side is a very friendly guy. If he sees a celebrity and has any sort of way to make conversation, he will start a conversation. That's how he became such good friends with Hank Azaria (drinking with Michael Vartan at the Belmont). I told B-side that he should chat up Rachel and Veronica, but they would probably show up again eventually, so why force the issue?

As we continued to wait for some of our other friends, I ordered four more Kamikaze shots. They tasted sort of like Ecto Cooler, and went down like Kool-aid. Then, by chance, a friend of ours noticed that a table had opened right next to Veronica and Rachel, which was all the invitation we needed to sit down and have a conversation. I am sure things would have worked out differently if sobriety had been the rule, but you have to make the best of what you have.

Now, people know that I am not a fan of either of these two, but Rachel was actually very nice (and better looking in person). When B-side was trying to make conversation, she was annoyed, but very polite and understanding of what she thought were drunken fans. She also had another hip t-shirt that alluded to her girls on girls nature that read "Ditch him for me"[Actually it was "Ditch him for her", thanks B-side]. Perhaps they sell it at Urban Outfitters and it's not original, but I thought it was funny. Veronica also had a vaguely lesbianish t-shirt which had me thinking if these two are now a couple, but I can't remember what it said at this point. [Looking at the t-shirts they have on their website, I believe Veronica had the "I *heart* my pussy" shirt on. thanks for the info saving girl]

Anyway, I apologized for what happened. Rachel said it was OK, and not to worry. I apologized again, and told her that she shouldn't have to feel like she is accosted anytime she goes out. She said thank you, and it of course makes me feel like a huge asshole for turning around and putting up these pictures of her on the internet and perhaps tipping people off to a perhaps budding relationship. If you are reading this Rachel, I am sorry, but my blogger ethics state that I must share with my readers. I hope you understand.

UPDATE FROM B-SIDE:

Okay, we're missing some details here.

So J-Unit and I sit down, and I'm next to Rachel. Normally, even if I were drunk, I wouldn't give two shits, but St. Patrick's Day drunkeness is a whole new world of ballsy. You see, somehow I interpreted Rachel wearing her T-Shirt - which for the record read "Ditch Him for Her" — as some sort of message like "Look, this shirt is a play on my persona from TV. I'm going to wear it on this high profile drinking evening so that people remember that I am in fact Rachel from Road Rules." Truthfully, that may have been a little over-analytical of me, but hey, I was drunk and for some reason I felt like she had quietly opened up the door for me and any other drunken fool to talk to her.

Anyway, I said maybe one thing to Rachel, but she acted like she couldn't hear me, which is when I just went in for the "So how much do you hate Tonya" line. It turns out that yes, she really did hate Tonya. As J-Unit said, Rachel was friendly enough and we had mild banter going on for about thirty seconds, and not wanting to be a jerk, I subtly brought Veronica into the conversation, but Sista wanted no part of it. she leaned over and said with a really snotty voice, "Tonight is St. Patrick's day, okay? Let's not talk about the show." I said ok, and she continued to emphasize why we shouldn't talk about the show. With a big smile on my face, I kept saying "Sounds good to me. Let's not talk about it."

Veronica then sat back and looked forward, clearly icing me out of any social opportunities. With nothing left to say, I just laughed and asked "So, did you guys see Constantine?"

Don't ask me why I asked it. At that point, I think I had just committed to being completely unsmooth. That's why J-Unit and I just laughed at each other and simply left.

Anyway, it was good to see that Veronica's real life persona lived up to her notorious MTV characterization. True, I was drunk, but I'm a lovable drunk. No need for the 'tude, biatch. You could have asked nicely to change the subject. But either way, if you want us to not talk about the show, how's about you stop going on the show? Maybe use that education from Semester at Sea and get a real job. I hear Supercuts is looking for a girl to sweep up hair clippings...

Posted by at 6:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (27)

I've been watching Survivor for a long time, and I don't think we've ever seen as much voting as we did last night. Not even Pearl Islands and its Outcast vote-in could touch this episode. In fact, for all you keeping track, the entire second half of the episode took place at Tribal Council. We saw seven (yes, seven) different names pop up on the parchment over the course of FOUR different votes. I mean honestly, this recap could just wind up being a large statistical table of Survivor election results. But what would be the fun in that?

We knew something was up when the episode began not with the usual lame attempts by Ulong to buck up, but with night vision shots of Koror. Wow. I didn't even know things happened at night at Koror. All our night vision is at Ulong: Kim and Jeff kissing, Jeff breaking his ankle, Ashlee sleeping alone, James muttering about seshiality. But lo! Tonight things stirred at Koror. Well, maybe "stirred" is an overstatement. Gregg and Jen have apparently joined the coupling ranks of Kim and Jeff (Keff) and Survivor Vanuatu's Julie and Jeff Probst (Jelie. Er, maybe the other way around. Jeff. No, that's no good. Juff? Julf? Jeflie? Yes, Jeflie!). Anyway, Gregg and Jen —  heretofore known as Gren or Jegg — quietly fooled around in the corner of the shelter, subtly annoying everyone around them. Coby observed that people have all paired up. We then cut to a shot of Caryn and Janu lying next to each other on the floor. Hold the presses! Caryn and Janu are a couple? That's a whole lot of lankiness.

After the Gregg and Jen complaining was over, it was time to move on to Willard who was sleeping in the hammock. For some reason, this beckoned the use of the Survivor stupid music (the tom toms, if you will). Apparently the hammock is for idiots. Anyway, as the tribe went beddy bye, they all implored Willard to keep an eye on the fire. Well, it wasn't so much that they "implored" him as they commanded him. "Watch the fire Willard!" they squawked before retiring for the evening.

Well, if you thought Willard was going to watch that fire, you had another thing coming. You don't just boss around a card carrying member of the Ed Bradley/Morgan Freeman earring club (Harrison Ford really wants to join, but, well, he's just too white). Willard simply went to sleep, leaving all fire duties to good ole Tom. Needless to say, the fireman was not happy. Hey, he fights fires. He doesn't nurture them.

Meanwhile, Ulong, a.k.a. the Washington Generals of Survivor, managed to add further embarrassment to their tribe legacy by getting lost in the jungle during a tropical storm. Their goal was to retreat to the caves and seek shelter from the torrential downpours, but instead of finding sweet relief from their waterlogged beach, the hapless group wandered around in circles for over an hour. It was kind of like Marco Polo, except instead of a pool, it was a jungle. And instead of fun, it was pathetic. Still, Bobby Jon insisted that the caves were nearby. Yes, they were just around the river bend, as Pocahantas might say. Alas, this very Lost-like excursion met with failure, and the team sullenly returned to its leaky shelter, sadly welcoming a potential pneumonia. James meanwhile dismissed Angie for wishing to end the stupid walkabout after half an hour of blind wandering. "She's one of those folks who says 'I can't do this!'" he said. Yes, tenacity just isn't in her spirit. Like the time she powered the tribe through that balance beam reward challenge. Or that time last week when she won two sumo matches (as opposed to James' record of zero). Or that challenge when she dunked Gregg in the water about ten times. Yeah, she just quits so easily.

Anyway, the morning eventually came around, and a quick shot of a rainbow led us to believe that all would be well. Instead, the Ulongians woke up cranky, deflated, and depressed. Hey guys. I have an idea. Now that it's light, why don't you make a path to the caves. I know it's a crazy idea, but just trust me. I think it might come in handy for those dark, rainy nights when you're saying to yourself "I wish we had a path to the caves."

Over at Koror, the nature shots indicated that bad things might be a-coming. We watched in Mark Burnett-induced awe as a school of fish literally jumped out of the water and birds scattered from the surf. Soon enough, a small shark emerged in the waves and attacked some unseen prey. Sadly, Ian was not present to throw a stick lightly in the shark's general vicinity.

After this naturegasm, there was more discussion about Willard's hatred of fire. Maybe he's Frankenstein's monster? I think we can all imagine Willard shouting "Fire, bad! Fire, bad! Smooth Jazz, good! So very very good!" Tom bashed Willard a little more and then we were off to our reward challenge. This was a fun one. I don't want to get into the nitty-gritty, but basically, players had to take a pulley-tugged raft out to a buoy and then dive underwater and retrieve sake bottles. First team with six bottles would win. Here's where it got interesting. The reward was a beef stew meal, but here's the catch. The winning tribe would eat the meal at Tribal Council. Here's the next catch. Both tribes would be going to Tribal Council. The winners of this challenge would vote of someone and then move to the jury bench and dine while the next tribe dealt with their Tribal Council (and watched the food hungrily). So sadistic. So wonderful.

The challenge moved along fairly uneventfully at first. There was lots of rope pulling, underwater diving, and Janu looking like an alienish walking stick. I personally enjoyed watching the survivors take their little raft trip out to the buoy. I don't know why. Maybe it's because secretly I wish I were tugged around on a platform all day too. Anyway, the teams were fairly neck and neck, but then suddenly there was "an incident." Yes, silent, strong Ibrehem floated out to the buoy and became the latest person to perpetuate reality TV's love for portraying black men as less than stellar swimmers. Yes, Ibrehem joined the ranks of Osten (Survivor: Pearl Islands), Karamo (RW Philly), Jacquese (RW San Diego) and several others as he attempted three times to retrieve a sake bottle, to no avail. Not wanting to waste any more time, Ibrehem boarded the raft and sailed back to the base, causing a sympathetic Stephenie to balk, "What the hell?" Probst meanwhile simply rolled his eyes and gave his usual "Pussy..." glare. And with that, Ulong fell significantly behind Koror, ultimately losing the challenge.

Later Ian celebrated the victory by announcing that there would be "a party in my mouth," opening the door for many double entendres and dirty Ian/Tom jokes. Coby, the apparent voice of reason for Koror, then made a friendly plea that the tribe not rub their victory in Ulong's face. "Can we be nice and not giggle?" he asked. Listen Coby. You're dealing with reality stars. They'd have an easier time grasping the principles of doctorate level quantum physics before they'd understand the concept of unselfish sportsmanship.

Over at Ulong, the tribe sulked around and sneered at Ibrehem who quietly (as always) wandered off to the beach. The big man did socialize briefly, mumbling that it was his fault that they lost the challenge. Still, he knew that he'd probably have to make his case at Tribal Council; so he shut up, lest he go over his three sentence quota for the episode.

Back at Koror, the lynch was heading towards Willard. Wow, unintended racial implications in saying that. Apologies. Still, with Ibrehem and Willard most likely on the chopping block, I couldn't help notice that this was not a good day to be a black man on Survivor. Luckily, Willard had an ally in Coby who joined America by saying how much he couldn't stand Katie. His one goal, he said, was to make it farther than Katie. After all, she doesn't do anything. I'd beg to differ on that last point though. Katie is very good at crashing into things when swinging on vines. That comic relief alone should count for something.

Then things suddenly got interesting... kind of. Gregg pulled Coby aside and said that Ian and Tom's relationship was growing too tight. After they picked off Willard and Caryn, Gregg and Jen planned to ally up with Janu and Coby and take out Tom, then Ian (ahem, we'll see how well this plan works after the merge). So finally, after a few weeks of enjoyable Ulong bleeding, we finally see some scheming at Koror. It wasn't much, but hey, I appreciated it.

Anyway, Koror finally headed up to Tribal Council, and I couldn't help noticing that Willard a) did not even try to stay in the game; and b) Burnett didn't even try to misdirect us. Guess there wasn't enough time in the episode. Still, could they even attempt to infuse some tension in this installment? We've got half an hour left, and it's plainly obvious that Willard and Ibrehem are going home. Man, this is going to suck.

Or will it?

Probst seemed absolutely delighted to have a new tribe at Council, if only to break in a new set of cheery faces with snotty comments. Questioning Gregg about his relationship with Jen, Jeff asked if people were forming alliances. Gregg pointed out that Tom and Ian were a duo, as were Coby and Janu and Caryn and Willard. As for Katie? She's "spreading the wealth." Ah yes. Beautiful euphemism for "No one likes her." For the record, as long as I've been mashing up names like crazy today, I'd like to say that Coby and Janu provide a wealth of great names: Cobu, Jaby, Canu, Joby, Conu, Jany, Jacoby, Cobanu. I could go on and on.

Anyway, it came time to vote. Everyone wrote down Willard, but Katie was the only brat to say "You're crabby and you're bitter. Bye." Wow, how very crabby and bitter of you, Katie. She then grabbed a vine and swung into a wall. As predicted, the old man received the ouster, and oddly enough, Tom wrote down "√Willard". Ah, a mathematical puzzle. According to my rudimentary arithmetical skills, the square root of Willard is... let's see... Ed Bradley! How's about that?

With Willard off to visit the Early Show, Koror shuffled over to the jury section and watched the depleted Ulong tribe settle in at Tribal Council. Before the finger pointing begin though, Probst told Koror that they could dig into their beef stew. Luckily, everyone heeded Coby's request for politeness. And by "heed", I mean "blatantly disregarded." Ian exclaimed "Biscuits!" and began dancing while resident tart Katie cooed, "Oh, it smells so delicious!" I wasn't even hungry (or at Tribal Council for that matter), and I still hated them.

Anyway, down in the dumps Ulong arrived with their camp in tow, literally. They had packed up all their belongings and brought them to Tribal Council under the mistaken notion that there might be a merge. Very clever, but no. NO MERGE, Probst announced proudly. Angie meanwhile seemed on the verge of a nervous breakdown as she cried in her hands. This victory would have meant more than beef stew, she said. It would have meant a boost for team morale. Hey, you guys won two challenges. Stop complaining. Anyway, Angie went on to whine, "We really needed this." We then cut to Ibrehem, the implication being "Thanks, IBREHEM!"

In a shaky voice, Ibrehem stated his defense, saying that people are acting like this game is all about getting beef stew. There's more to Survivor than winning beef stew. Huh? Really? I thought this was the final episode. Thank goodness. It didn't feel very climactic. Anyway, Ibrehem went on to say that the overall performance should be judged, not just his most recent screw up. Surely James would empathize, after all, just last week he cost Ulong immunity by losing a wrestling match to Coby. Oh wait. I guess that's an inconvenient fact.

Just when things were looking down for "Eeb", Probst dropped this bombshell. Koror would be voting on who gets immunity on Ulong. Now that's a solid twist. "Janu, you're up first," said Probst. Janu rose to her feet as we cut to some reaction shots. When we cut back to Janu approaching the parchment, but horror set in as we discovered the Las Vegas showgirl had turned into Coby! My God! Either she's a shapeshifter or Janu and Coby are THE SAME PERSON! This must be stopped!

Well, actually, it was all just some sloppy editing. Regardless, Koror voted, and then the real fun began. The votes were all over the place. Everyone gets immunity! Well, maybe not. Pretty much everyone from Ulong received a vote or two (except James. No one wants to see that tight underwear around much longer, apparently), but in the end, Ibrehem of all people, won the immunity. Either Koror was won over by his defense, or they're just a bunch of idiots. He may be quiet and gentle, but Ibrehem is a massive threat. Oh well. Just more fun for Survivor.

With immunity finally settled on, Probst ushered Koror away. Then it was time for our third vote of the night. The surprise immunity truly threw the tribe for a loop as the voting results came out messy and all over the map. Well —  as "all over the map" as you can be with only four potential goners. James received one vote (oh Eeb), and the rest were split amongst Bobby Jon and Angie. So yes, there was a tie. You know what that means. Let's roll up our sleeves and go in for Tribal Council vote #4. Keep in mind that at this point, we'd been sitting through twenty five minutes of voting. Not that I minded, but seriously, this was pretty insane.

Anyway, in the end, Angie got the axe. She tearfully handed over her yellow sheet/halter-tunic to Stephenie who asked "Are you sure?" Yeah, it's really only a sheet of cloth. I think Angie might just be able to find another one in the real world, that is, if she wants to continue wearing Roman fashions around New Orleans. I was sort of sad to see Angie go. Then again, I would have been sad to see any of Ulong go. I like all these characters. That's always the mark of a good season.

What did you think about this episode?

Posted by at 3:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (24)

The early returns are in, and it looks like most people believe that this season of America's Next Top Model features a cast that really can't compare with last year's. While I sort of agree with that statement, I didn't get into the show until a number of girls were already eliminated. And although I think the judges got off to a bad start by eliminating Brita, perhaps the hottest member of this cast, I am starting to see the potential in this group. While they aren't exactly blowing us away with their presence in person, I have to admit that many of them are taking great pictures.

So, what to do with that presence thing? Well, you not only have to look good in person, but you have to have a walk. And if you haven't figured out yet, the judges are thinking of one thing when they see people walk. Nothing less than fierce will do. Who do you call when you are trying to improve a walk. Why Ms. J. Alexander of course. The girls were called out to the Los Angeles Coliseum, home of the 1984 Olympics and home of the National Champion USC Trojans. Being in a rather ghetto part of Los Angeles, the girls wouldn't feel like they were too far away from their loft.

Ms. J, who greeted them in a cheerleader's outfit (and a male cheerleader's outfit to boot), had not one, but two tasks for the girls to help them with their walk. The first was simple enough - put on some chunky platform shoes and walk back and forth down the yard line. Some of the girls have some good talent in this area already, including Keenyah, Rebecca, and Brandi. Then there are the girls who aren't quite so natural, including Michelle ,who Ms. J said looked like she had spina bifida. It's hard for me to speak ill of somebody named Sarah, but you know that something is wrong whenever the show plays clown music when you are trying to walk.

The girls ran around the stadium for a little while before finding their shoes (all of them were in the same location), and got a change to take a look at their accessories. I am sure that some of them were thinking necklace, earrings, bracelets, hand bags. You know, the normal stuff. Instead the girls had to choose among things baseball bat, a golfing bag, a football, and a hockey stick. The key was that you have to take anything you are given, and make it look completely natural on you. Once again, Michelle and Sarah were the worst. Michelle looks really strange and awkward, but Sarah simply looked like she was miserable, and seemed to be oblivious to the fact that her walk lacked energy and took a long time to finish. If Sarah's walk was a party, I would be off in the corner watching two turtles do the nasty in their tank (that actually happened to me in Santa Monica once).

Last year, team "Pink Positive" won a lot of hearts with their upbeat attitudes and happy to be here approach to the game. This year, everybody is being very friendly. Sarah was getting runway tips from Keenya, and everybody is together taking turns at throwing poses. What we need is some animosity to make things interesting.

The Tyra mail came and told the girls to be ready for the next challenge at 6:45 AM. For a town that doesn't get anything done before 10 AM, this is a huge request. We sort of had an idea that it had something to do with runway because J. Alexander doesn't just show up for nothing. We just didn't know where the girls would be shipped off to and what the challenge would be. The destination turned out to be K-Mart, and the challenge was a runway battle, although it lacked much of the emotional depth and raw energy of that scene from Zoolander. To add a little more pressure, the girls would go head to head against each other to determine the Queen of the Strut.

Rebecca was determined to take this thing from the start. Although she doesn't have the verbatim lookalike quality of Reese Witherspoon, she is fairly close. She's sort of like Reese Witherspoon once removed. Besides the fee they received for the product placement of K-mart all over the place, there was a semi-practical reason for the whole mess. The girls had just learned how to walk with random things, and so they were at it again. They also got to meet their first guest judge. It came down to Rebecca and Naima, with Rebecca winning it in the end. Without Brita, Rebecca has to be seen as the front runner. She's been taking good pictures and she does have that walk.

Yes, the losers were forced to run to the storeroom and get the shoes that the winners picked out. They also had to serve the girls strawberries and spring water (come on Stu, couldn't spring for some champagne?). A lot of the girls thought it sucked, but Michelle thought it *really* sucked. At the sight of the shoe racks, which were stacked in those movable library stacks that you roll together or apart with a nifty little turn of the crank, Michelle started crying and freaking out. Keenya, who is trying to play the nice one, but always ends up looking like the bitch decided to roll a couple of the racks together just a bit while Michelle was in the middle. Michelle completely freaked out and started crying; she had earlier said that it was a huge fear for her. I guess she was scared once she got into the closet, she would have a hard time getting out, especially if it crushed her in two.

The girls started wondering why she was so crazy. Apparently she is happy at one moment, and then the switch flips, and she is insane. Getting away from the closet, it was evident she was much happier to be on her knees between the other girls, helping them try on shoes. I can see why people think she is a little whacked, she is a professional wrestler, but if you know she has a fear, try to pull a prank on her about it, and she overreacts, don't blame her.

Some of the girls were upset at Rebecca's attitude. She was literally acting as if the losers didn't deserve to walk on the same ground as her chosen people. She made a fuss when a strawberry leaf fell into her gourmet water, and a lot of people started knowing her attitude. While she was being a huge bitch, the great thing about ANTM is that you can be a bitch, but if you kick ass at challenges and photos, you are going to stick around.

Returning home from the shoe store, Noelle decided to confront Michelle about the way she was acting so distant from the rest of the housemates. Michelle broke down again, saying that she has been hiding something her whole life, and she doesn't want to tell anybody for feat that they would look at her differently. "Uh, oh, here comes another eating disorder" I thought to myself. Perhaps another girl who was a stripper back home, they seem to be popular on this show.

It turned out to be neither, and something that wasn't entirely too surprising. We find out that Michelle is gay, although I think they dubbed over it and said "bi" for the broadcast. That admission just blew me out of the water. A female wrestler that might have a thing for other girls, why is this such a shock? I genuinely feel bad that she had to hold it in so long, and was happy she was comfortable around her roommates to tell them, but what other surprises are in store for these girls? Not to stereotype, but I wonder what was on Michelle's resume "Occupation: Wrestler, Activities: Golf, Accomplishments: All-state field hockey and softball. Leadership: Started Indigo Girls fan club." It also explains why Michelle hated closets, but was happy on her knees in front of girls with short skirts. You can learn so much about life in the irony of celebrity shopping segments.

Once Michelle got everything off her chest, she seemed very happy, and very relieved that nobody seemed to think any differently of her - they still considered her the ugliest one there. Even Brandi and Tiffany, who were listening to the last part of the conversation Michelle had with Noelle, and were giggling when they heard "gay" turned out to be compassionate. Although Brandi did make a few enlightened comments like "you aren't going to fantasize about me", she told her that it was better to let it out instead of holding it in, and really did help ease her fears of acceptance. The gay rights movement is really moving along, we have now established it is better to be gay than OCD. No wonder J. Edgar Hoover and Howard Hughes hated each other so much!

With our "Heal the World" moment over, we got to get back to the game. Tyra mail came up, and the girls learned they would be competing with ten other bitches. Even somebody with no punny bone could have caught that one a mile away. When they got to their shoot on Griffith Park, they learned they were going to work with dogs. See, bitches is another name for a female dog! Degree of difficulty: male model and flowers in the same picture.

It's the fashion shoots that really make or break a lot of these models, and the girls made it very hard on the judges. There were a few girls that had some problems working with the dogs, or looking excited, but the hair and makeup people should get special props. For the first time, I could actually imagine Michelle as a high fashion model. Rebecca, as expected, was also gorgeous and remarked at how many girls were at her photo shoot. Uh, yeah, there were twelve of them, and since you were near the end, people weren't in a trailer getting their hair done. This girls is slightly full of herself.

After the shoot, we get the wonderful judging portion of the show. As a final challenge, the girls had to show their runway style once again, this time with only a burlap sack. They were supposed to make it look sexy, make it sell, but they really failed. Everybody sort of did their normal walks, but with a bag instead of a micro-mini and tube top. The judges were thoroughly unimpressed, especially with Michelle and Sarah once again. Tiffany's walk actually elicited a bunch of laughter, as she looked like she was scared of falling down the stairs. Keenya actually did slip, but recovered without making a fuss, which the judges complimented her on later. Brandi walked like she was about to mug you. It was Lluvy who actually used a little style with her burlap sack. Not that surprising, since I am sure she has been brown bagged many times, and I am not talking about lunches folks.

Whoa! I knew it was coming, but you thought it was going to be some girl who was emotionally unstable, not somebody who had been perfect until then. Her eyes rolled back into her head, she went stiff, and then just fell back. I had a cousin who had seizures when she was younger, so I am not completely insensitive, but I did laugh pretty hard when Rebecca fell over. She didn't just flop down, she literally went straight back and the only thing you hear is this huge thud. That, compared with the reactions of all of the girls and the judges (Call a paramedic! Call the police!) just had me laughing my ass off. For your enjoyment (or curiosity) here is the video:

Click on Nolé, to see the SHOCKING video

Rebecca made it to the hospital, was cleared, and then came back to the competition, trading her burlap sack for a no less flattering hospital gown. Tyra sat her down, and told her some words that momma Banks couldn't have said any better. Basically, if you ever feel like, you can' control your body, please just have a seat. Well Tyra, it's not like she is about to sneeze or fart and can hold it. Seizures just kind of happen. I wonder if the insurance company is going to force Tyra to keep Rebecca in a wheelchair until she is done with the competition as a precaution. I am sure Brandi would find something wrong with that special treatment.

The judges went through the rest of their evaluations, and there were a number of great pictures. Here are a few of what I consider the best including Michelle, easily the most improved over last week:

Posted by at 12:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (22)

I used to be a big Scrubs fan. In fact, I still am. The thing is, it's always been on against other shows I like more: 24, Survivor, Amazing Race, etc. For three years, I was kept away from my beloved Scrubs (okay, I don't like it that much. I'm trying to be dramatic here though). Luckily, with TVgasm's lovely dual-tuner Tivo, conflicts are for the most part a thing of the past. So it was with great joy that I sat down to take in my first episode of Scrubs since mid 2002. Yes, finally I could sink my teeth into a funny, scripted show and not think of all that other trash I watch or observe.

So what should happen on the one time I tune in? My favorite of occurrences: a reality star extra. Yes, in last night's repeat episode of Scrubs, none other than Bachelorette contestant Ryan Sheaffer popped up as one of Turk's buddies.

"But wait!" you may say (if you are so inclined to be drawn into such stupid scandals). "Isn't Ryan a teacher?"

According to his ABC Bio, yes. But seeing him on screen once again proves that these dating shows are nothing but staged circuses filled with aspiring actors, recycled reality stars, and the occasional gay man. Hmmm... I guess that's really not that earth-shattering. Even so, can ABC even TRY to screen their bachelors? This is getting ridiculous.

Posted by at 2:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

I think that time we were waiting for has finally arrived. You knew it would. Since the beginning of the season, you’ve sat patiently for the event, and now it’s here. I refer, of course, to the complete and utter loss of Randy Jackson’s sanity. Indeed, having a stomach the size of an egg and looking like a large black lesbian has finally affected Randy’s judging ability. More on that later.

Last night also debuted the beginning of the “actual” American Idol contest, where the 12 finalists compete against one another, this time in front of the biggest studio audience yet. There were some surprises, many misfires, but overall it made for an entertaining show. The show, of course, began with the still likable Seacrest giving a “Vazquez disclaimer”, and explaining that Niko will be taking Mario’s place. Tonight’s songs were all to be from that far-off decade “The 60’s”. The performances, please:

Jessica: Sang “Shop Around”, which is the very same lesson my Jewish mother taught me before ever paying retail. Jess wasn’t bad tonight, but wasn’t great either. And I hate to beat a dead horse with an ugly stick, but it’s becoming increasingly more difficult to watch this girl sing. Those circling cameras can only do so much to camouflage her appearance, which just screams “I Live Under a Bridge!”

Anwar: Sang Tamyra’s trademarked “A House is Not a Home”, which is a difficult song in that it is impossible to hum along to. One of my favorite things about Idol is that in the commercial breaks, I sing the songs myself to prove to me and my neighbors that I am at least as good as the top 12 finalists. In this case, I had to resort to singing my favorite commercial jingle (“The sun comes up! The day arrives! Another day to be aliii-iiive!”) I was into his Lawrence Fishburne ensemble, and hey, I love Anwar. Even when he’s bad, he’s still so so good.

Mikalah: Is it legal for 16 year olds to have breast implants? What about 16 year old lionesses? That’s like, what… 112 in people years? Mikalah decides to lure the “Son of a Preacher Man” into the death-grip of her mighty jaws in this poorly sung number. And what about those dance moves? I couldn’t tell if she was breaking a move, or groundhogging a turd. There was so much squatting-hand-on-hip action I wasn’t sure if I was watching Idol or “The Nanny Sweats to the Borscht Belt Oldies.” Simon told her that her “confidence outweighed her talent.” She still manages to insert a couple of snorts/growls before exiting the stage.

Constantine: Excuse me for a minute… something funny is going on… (shifting in chair)… oh GOD. I ENJOYED CONSTANTINE. (hysterical coughing fit, coughing up blood, eyes watering, drinking some water.) He sang “You Make Me So Very Happy”. And he just… sang it. Pretty well. I thought I was falling in love for a moment, but then Seacrest came over, he made a ratface, and reality tv became just that… a reality again. And you know! I never noticed how tall he is! (pause) Here’s hoping he sucks again next week.

Lindsey: Poor Lindsey. Listen, honey. I have a deep voice too. If you’re going to go on Idol, you have to promise us and yourself that you’re going to stick to tunes sung by black men. Trust me -- it is a Siren song of sorts. Lindsey, not following my invaluable advice, sang “Knock on Wood”, which she better be doing all day today to ensure not getting voted off. Cause it just wasn’t good. A woman in my office, let’s call her the Grim Reaper, told me this morning that Lindsey has a telemarketing company calling in thousands of votes for her. I was under the impression that that was illegal. Then again, considering that my source is a single, toothless woman who eats Virginia Slims for lunch, maybe this isn’t true.

Anthony: “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do” Do you think he sang this to his trachea before they removed it? That would certainly add to the emotional aspect of this semi-dead rendering, and definitely guarantee my one-way ticket to a hellish afterlife. But believe it or not, I’m starting to like Anthony more and more. And while tonight’s song wasn’t his best, he finally proved to me that he CAN sing better than Jon Secada, which is saying a lot. Randy J. jumped down his throat, and I thought the severity of his critique was uncalled for. Paula followed up Randy’s sentiment by gurgling, thinking about fire, scratching something on a pad, curling up in a drawer, and falling asleep.

Nadia: “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me” But I do love you, Nadia! And that dress -- stunning. Not the best voice in the competition, but by far the most engaging and polished performer.

Bo Bice: “Spinning Wheel” I love the Bice, but wish he would put down the mike stand for just. one. second! Bice hopped off the stage to circle the audience like a real pro. He’s such a little showman, that Bice is! Great performance, but I wonder how far he’ll be able to go in a competition based on appealing to 15 year old girls. p.s. If you want to hear a great version of the song, download Shirley Bassey’s “Spinning Wheel”, alongside everything else she ever sang.

Vonzell: Let’s start with how she looked -- gorgeous! Like a real star. She sang one of my favorite songs -- "Anyone Who Ever Had a Heart” -- and I know I’m going to be in the minority here, but I thought she was fantastic! Save for the final glory note, which was just off, her voice moves so effortlessly, so fluidly, it’s simply beautiful. And I liked how she worked with the camera. It was a little over-the-top, but hey, when you’re singing on a million dollar set in front of three animatronic judges, you can’t help but be. Oh, and speaking of judges, they weren’t crazy about her. Simon said she always falls in the middle, and that she’ll be gone in five weeks. I think she has one of the best voices in the competition, so here’s to hoping he’s wrong.

Scott: Dear Scott, I also “Ain’t To Proud to Beg” that you get voted off soon, cause I cannot have a Ruben Studdard Redux anytime in the near future. Forget the fact that some poor cow out there had to be skinned whole to make a head-to-toe suede unitard for this guy. But frankly, I don’t think he has THAT good of a voice. And yet, the judges love him! They eat him up (something worthy of an Amazing Race challenge, trust me.) Meanwhile, this guy can’t finish a note without taking a huge breath of air. Go figure.

Carrie: “When Will I Be Loved” Here’s the thing, Carr. You’ve got a great voice. It’s really sweet! But you look like a 48-year-old country singer who’s slipped into a coma. My suggestion: Revamp the look a bit, and step it up in the personality department. Yes, you’re a country singer, but even Leann Rimes had to hoe it up now and again to sell an album.

Nikko: “I Want You Back” All I kept thinking during the performance was how weird it was that Michael Jackson had a hit song in the 60’s. And he was 11 when he sang it! I always thought he was like 4 years old when he started the Jackson 5. Like a huge band, and then the lead singer is a tiny little pink kangaroo, and that kangaroo was Michael Jackson. Where was I? Oh yes! Nikko. He was OK. I’m hoping he can stick around for another week to improve, cause I hate to say it, but I kind of missed Mario last night. Aww.

Who I Wish Would Get Kicked Off: Scott
Who Should Get Kicked Off: Lindsey

Posted by at 9:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (30)

Don't get any ideas. But seriously, call me Ryan...

Last night, our latest celebrity to be thrown under the rumor bus emerged on Letterman to read the Top Ten List. Yes, Mario Vazquez, fresh from a media blitz to announce (but not divulge) the "personal reasons" sending him off American Idol, appeared on the venerable late night show to poke fun at himself.

Listen to the entire Top Ten (or Top Seven really) reasons "Why I quit American Idol" by clicking here

Also, check out Mario's brand new single here. It's really catchy.

Posted by at 3:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Things were very tricky on tonight's Amazing Race. For the first time this season, teams were faced with the age-old task of eating enormous quantities of food at a Roadblock, and like previous culinary challenges, the results were unpredictable. However, things were a little different this time around, thanks to the crafty team of, you guessed it, Rob and Amber who managed to use the show's penalties to their advantage. Say what you will about these guys, but it was fairly ingenious. Who knew a barbecue could get so scheming?

The episode began in Santiago, Chile (or "Santi-eggo" as our beloved Phil said in his crazy New Zealand dialect. Seriously, what's the deal with other countries? Can't they all speak American? Like Toby Keith?). Anyway, Rob and Amber received the first clue which told them to pick up a car in a garage and drive through the Andes and over the Argentinean border to the next clue. Ah, Argentina. My favorite South American country to be immortalized in an Andrew Lloyd Weber tune (before you fight me on this, let me just ask: have you even heard "I Wanna Guyana" or "Olivia from Bolivia"? I didn't think so).

Anyway, speaking of Toby Keith (I was speaking about him about four sentences ago), Rob displayed his patriotic colors by proudly announcing that he and Amber were living the American Dream. Um, so the American Dream means finding fame and fortune by being stranded on a desert Island two or three times and then running around the globe with a camera crew jogging behind? Strange, I always thought it meant working hard to find success. I guess there are all sorts of meanings. If there weren't, I know about ten liberal arts colleges whose entire Humanities departments would be obsolete (yeah, I'm looking at you Vassar). Wow, I am on a tangent spree tonight. I haven't even gotten past the first ten seconds of this show. To paraphrase Homer Simpson, I should quit my Vassar bashing.

Next to leave the Pit Stop was Ron who feared that he wasn't sure if he was ready to marry Kelly. After all, she hadn't been to Baghdad yet. Hey, did I ever tell you I was a POW? Later, after Ray and Deana had departed without incident, Uchenna and Joyce bounded out of the Pit Stop and reminded us that they had struggled against fertility problems. Man, I feel sorry for these two. They have such a great heartstrings story, but they've just got nothin' on the POW. Someone should give them a consolation gift. Maybe a George Foreman Grill?

Up next were spry gay couple, Lynn and Alex, with the latter wearing a dainty scarf worthy of an English professor at Vassar. Blast! What is with me tonight? Seriously, that scarf was very Vassar-chic. Team WeHo was followed by Debbie and Bianca and then our favorite —  and only, for that matter —  old couple. As the two headed for the car park, Gretchen cooed that her husband understands her so well. "I love him to death, and I make it up to him in a lot of other ways." I instruct the jury to please strike that statement from MY BRAIN. Meanwhile, Meredith expressed his excitement with a full-blown hair erection. I guess that Cialas shampoo really does wonders —  although, if hair stands on end for more than four hours, he should really call a doctor.

Is that a dorsal fin on your head, or are you just happy to see me?

Leaving next were Susan and Patrick, a.k.a. Webbie Vanderquack and son. By the way, Patrick —  if you're reading this, please know that I'm not dissing your mom. A Ducktales reference is probably one of the highest compliments I could give a person. Anyway, Susan expressed a desire to find a nice boyfriend for her son. Okay, that really had nothing to do with anything. We'll just move on.

Greg and Brian (a.k.a Zach and Braff) left last, but they benefited from a convenient time crunch at the car park. You see, the garage didn't open until like 5 AM. Tricky tricky. Meanwhile, with time to kill, Bianca and Debbie took their cab to a hotel to get directions to the next clue box. Then the heavily promoted cab controversy occurred. Rob and Amber stole Debbie and Bianca's taxi. Oh. My. God. This is an OUTRAGE. Well, except it wasn't. Both teams still had to wait for the garage to open, and besides, it's not like the gals couldn't snag a cab at the hotel. Adding insult to injury, I'm not sure Debanca (my new impromptu nickname for them) even realized Ramber had stolen the cab. Two cheers for deceptive advertising!

Finally, the garage opened and everyone ran to their cars. Well, everyone except the brothers who strolled along happily, even after just telling us that they wanted to move out of last place. After having left the garage, Rob found a police car or meter maid to lead them to the highway. "The best way to get through Santiago is with a police escort," Rob boasted. Well, either that or having CBS pay a cop to guide them around. Ding ding ding! Conspiracy alert!

With all the cars on the road, we then watched endless footage of teams pulling off onto the Los Antilles Portillo exit. Seriously, why do we have to watch this exit ramp so many times? Oh wait, because Debbie and Bianca completely missed it. Oh well. See ya in a few hours! Luckily, they weren't the only team to get lost in Chile. Susan and Patrick spent nearly an hour and a half driving through the streets of Santiago, apparently too proud to get directions. Their struggle culminated with a frustrating encounter with a "No Left Turn" sign. What would they do??? COMMERCIAL. (For those of you wondering, when we returned, they went another block and then made the left turn which was now legal. A triumph of man over signage).

Meanwhile, up in the mountains, Gretchen chided her husband. "Easy Meredith, I'm getting sick!" she yelled. Sadly, she did not add "Ooooooh!" to the end of this statement. Nor did she vomit. At the top of the mountains, Rob and Amber reached the Detour first. Their choice: Paddle or Peddle. I was personally hoping for "Piddle or Puddle." Anyway, as Phil ambled dangerously close to a river, he alerted us that teams could either take an inflatable raft with a team of professionals down a seven mile river, or they could bike a seven mile trail across some old train tracks. Rob and Amber opted for the raft, as did second place team Lynn and Alex who arrived about five minutes later. Even though the Survivor All Stars got a head start, the two proved to be weak paddlers, and the spirited boyfriends, fueled by vengeance and the need to utterly destroy Rob and Amber, passed their foes, arriving at the next clue first. They were instructed to take a seventy mile trek to "Camping Suizo" for the next clue. In the car, the two congratulated themselves. "Gay boys took on a boy from Boston and a girl from the island, and they lost," Lynn said. Eh. They've had better quips. Go back to Snappy Gay Wit school! Boo!

Amber, however, didn't seem to mind falling out of first place. She was more preoccupied with the fat and calories she had burned off during the Detour. So that's why Amber went on Survivor twice. She just wanted to lose weight. I guess it's legit. Starve yourself on an island for 39 days, follow up with some intense rowing in Argentina. I like to call it the Reality Star Diet and Exercise Program.

You know, I forgot to mention that there was a Yield at the Detour. No one actually used it, which meant lots of "We choose not to use the Yield" lines. Thankfully Kelly decided to change things up a bit by saying "We choose to defer our yield." Oooh, well done! I know one thing she hasn't deferred: her vocab lessons.

Hey, remember those peppy girls who speak Spanish? You know, the ones that are always kind of kissing each other in a semi-lesbian but not really way? Yeah, them. I think their names are Debbie and Bianca. Well, while everyone was climbing through the Andes Mountains, these young lasses were driving along the Chilean coast, admiring the beach. If I were a Jeff Foxworthy of Chilean geography, I would say this: "If the Andes Mountains look like a big ocean with waves, than you might be at the right part of Chile! If the Argentinean border is across the Pacific, then you might be in the right part of Chile!" Turns out the gals had gone a full two and a half hours out of their way. Ooopsie daisy. Wrong turn is an understatement. Thankfully, the girls didn't devolve into two bickering messes. They kept their spirits high, with Debbie saying "Pray for flat tires."

Did somebody say flat tires? It's funny because our Urban Outfitters representatives of Brian and Greg were biking down the Detour when suddenly one of them got a flat. Debbie wins the foreshadowing award. Either she was psychic, or she had the telekinetic powers of Carrie. As team after team floated by on the river below, the two brothers had to carry their bikes the duration of their seven mile course. Now that's unfortunate. If only there were a Garden State soundtrack they could listen to while they walked.

Gretchen and Meredith chose the arduous rafting Detour, and afterwards, they labored to their car out of breath. "Do you need some mouth to mouth resuscitation?" Gretchen asked her husband. Shivers. That's the second time she's grossed me out this episode. Word to the wise. If you ever come across an unmarked VHS tape in their house, DO NOT WATCH IT. I guarantee it will be worse than The Ring.

Meanwhile, Alex and Lynn arrived at the next clue which was the [*hand bugle*] Roadblock! "Who's not a vegetarian?" the clue asked ominously. Ah yes, our first eating challenge of the season. I've always enjoyed these because a) I like food; b) these sort of challenges always cause chaos with the teams; and c) it's a chance for me to act all cool and say "I could totally do that. These people are lame." I've seen some daunting food challenges: live octopi, giant ostrich egg, spicy hungarian soup, and of course my favorite, the pound of caviar (oh how I wanted to do that one). Still, this Roadblock was pretty intimidating. Teams had to put down four pounds —  FOUR POUNDS —  of meat. That meant cow ribs, pork sausage, blood sausage, cow intestine, cow utter, a full kidney, and part of a saliva gland. The good news was that the meats looked quite savory — anyone who's been to Argentinean BBQ knows what I'm talking about. (Am I right? Am I right? High five). The bad news: four pounds is a lot of food. Alex got to work on his tasty vittles and was soon joined by Rob, who Survivor fans may remember is quite terrible at food competitions. We'll check in on them later.

Debbie and Bianca, back from their cross country tour of Chile, finally arrived at the Detour which revealed a dark secret. A few months ago, Debbie almost died in a white river accident. Dunh dunh DUNH! You know who else almost died a few months ago? Ron. IN AN IRAQI PRISON. Anyway, Debbie proved herself to be a trooper by consenting to the rafting Detour. Bianca tried to cheer her up by saying it'll be fun. Yeah Debbie. I'm sure you won't almost die again! And so the stage was set for Final Destination 3. Debbie died ten minutes later.

Okay, okay. She survived the Detour, but I still feared that she and Bianca were too far behind. I hate when plucky teams makes five hour mistakes.

Back at the Roadblock, Uchenna joined the other diners at the meat buffet. Okay, this dude is going to pound this meat. Just look at him. He's a mini-tank, and cow is his fuel. Sure enough, Uchenna attached his plate with savory gusto, and not even Alex booting at his feet could deter him. Lynn meanwhile watched the vomit with disgust. I half expected him to snort, "He never spits with me!" Rimshot!

Up until this moment, this episode was fun, but with Debbie, Bianca, Susan and Patrick lagging so far behind, there wasn't any sense of peril for most of these teams. And then the oddest thing happened. Rob decided that he couldn't eat anymore of his food. He and Amber quit the challenge and incurred a four hour penalty that goes into effect once the next team arrives at the Roadblock. Gutsy move. Would this be the end of Ramber?

Normally, I'd say yes. But then I must remember that while The Amazing Race is certainly the classiest of the reality shows, it still contains anti-logic reality stars. Enter Ray and Deana. In an unwise move, the two elected Deana to take on the Roadblock. We knew they'd be doomed once she looked at her plate and scoffed "What is all this stuff?" Um, it's meat. You did read the clue, didn't you? Almost immediately she began complaining that she would never be able to finish it. Smelling fresh prey, Rob convinced the team to quit and suffer the penalty. Say what you will about the guy, but he does have a powerful influence over the weak-minded. Ray and Deana quit, which meant their four hour penalty would kick in as soon as the next team arrived. Oh, and by the way, that next team would be Susan and Patrick, who were seemingly hours away. Rob and Amber, meanwhile, were now assured that someone would definitely be behind them, even with the four hour penalty going against them. Sadly, Meredith quit too, making it two teams behind Rob and Amber. This sort of scheming made me simultaneously sick and impressed. I've gotta say, even though it was technically smart scheming, I kind of don't want any of these guys to win the big prize at the end, just because they took the easy way out. Well, I might make a mild exception for Meredith and Gretchen. I have to admit though, I loved the little ticking Penalty Clock that appeared on the screen for these guys. I guess it's the closest we'll be getting to hockey this year.

Anyway, as the non-quitters chowed down on their meat, Ron noted that this was the worst eating experience of his life. "And mind you I lost twenty five pounds in about eighteen days in an Iraqi prison," he added. No seriously, he added that, not me. Yeah, I know. I'm surprised too. He never talks about his POW experiences. Meanwhile, when Amber heard of Ron's rapid weight loss, she immediately tugged on Rob's sleeve and whined "I wanna go to an Iraqi prison too. Can we? Can we?"

Unsurprisingly, Uchenna finished his feast of meat first. That makes three seasons in a row when black guys dominated the food challenge: Chip, Gus, and Uchenna. Of course, we can't forget Bowling Mom Linda, last season's Rebecca, and eventually Debbie as the distaff representatives. So you heard it here first: if you're a black man or a hyper woman, those food challenges will be cake. Well, maybe not actual cake, but you know what I'm trying to say.

Even though Uchenna and Joyce finished the Roadblock first, they soon became lost en route to the Pitstop, thus paving the way for Alex and Lynn to nab first place. The two explained that their expert rowing skills had powered them to the top of the heap. This was followed by a brief physical demonstration which Phil observed with a bobbing yet confused head. I feared he might say something like "It never really occurred to me before, but you guys are gay, aren't you?"

Elsewhere in South America, Patrick and Susan motored towards the Roadblock. They immediately stole the foreshadowing award from Debbie and Bianca as they chewed on snacks in the car. "We'll find some cheap meal in Mendoza," Patrick said, referring to the location of the Roadblock. Oooh, excellent naiveté. Susan then went for the double header as she noted that her snack tastes like steak. Oh, you have no idea BITCH. Sue and Pat eventually arrived, officially setting Gretchen, Meredith, Ray, and Deana's penalty clock at four hours. Rob and Amber's clock, meanwhile, was at a cushy two hours and thirty nine minutes. Normally, I'd say they would have been screwed had no one quit as well, but you can never underestimate the power of a good food challenge. Even if Rob had been the only one to have quit, he still would have been out of there faster than Patrick who simply stared at the food, occasionally picking at it for hours.. He wanted to quit, but his mom refused to let him. "VOMIT!" she scolded in a rare instance of maternal bulimia endorsement. Oddly enough, Patrick —  and everyone else for that matter — resisted booting like the plague. People, if you don't have room, you've got to make it. Still, Patrick veered incredibly close to quitting, rationalizing that Debbie and Bianca would never be able to finish the meal.

We then cut to Debbie who at the promise of meat erupted into carnivorous bliss. Uh Patrick, you might want to take that back. Just as we expected, Debbie scarfed down the food, but while Bianca's coaching was impressive, it was also encouraging Patrick who suddenly discovered that he COULD eat the meat. Rob and Amber meanwhile got off the clock and arrived at the Pit Stop where Phil couldn't stop laughing at their scheming ways. Why that tickled him almost as much as the time someone put itching powder in his turtleneck. Now that was a hoot!

In the end, the penalties turned out to be a successful gamble for all teams as Ray, Deana, Meredith, and Gretchen all managed to check in before the last two teams were done eating (yes, that means Patrick took longer than four hours). The race once again became very close, but sadly, the dynamic alliance of Bianca, Debbie, Susan and Patrick was inevitably torn asunder as the gal pals from Virginia arrived last. Phil served up a fresh dish of PA as he noted that after they had won the first leg, he thought for sure they'd be in the top three. OH WELL. Thanks Phil. I'm sure that made them feel A-OK.

What did you think about the penalties? Was this a clever use of the rules or just a cheap way to get forward?

Posted by at 2:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (37)

Okay, The Real World Philadelphia can hardly be classified as "Ho-Town", but I really wanted to come up with one last punny title for this subpar season. Yes, just when we thought it was over (you know, because there was that whole crazy "season finale" last week, whatever that means), the cast reunited tonight to dish the dirt in a highly edited forum. As usual we just had to know what they look like now, or at least how they'd respond to the No-Spin-Zone questioning of MTV's ingenue VJ du jour. The results were fairly predictable. Lots of uncomfortable laughing, lots of "Oh, it was such a small thing" rationalization, and lots of awkwardly hostile comments from Karamo. Let's reunite!

First things first. MTV trollop Vanessa descended from the TRL studios to moderate this sure to be heated exchange. Gone sadly was Lala who had performed so well in similar capacities. I suppose she was off getting married to Carmelo Anthony, or at least seeking out another syllable for her name, lest she become pigeon holed in the Yo Yo Ma clique.

Not much appeared to be different with the cast. Landon had buzzed his moptop while MJ had unwisely let his Grecian 'fro puff out to increasingly unfashionable lengths. Luckily, he managed to weigh down his hair with probably half a can of wax so as to keep it at a somewhat manageable radius. Still, I was fairly disappointed. One of the most pleasing elements of these reunions is when a cast member realizes just how unsightly his or her hair is and chops it all off. CT from Paris, I'm looking at you. Probably the most radical hair transformation was Melanie who ditched her cute bob in favor of a platinum blonde 'do. I couldn't tell if it looked really good or really bad. For the sake of online snarkiness, I'll go with the latter.

Anyway, a slimmer Karamo began talking about how this was the first time everyone had been together since the show wrapped. Honestly, he said, I wanted to walk away. That makes two of us, my brother. Nevertheless, Karamo glossed over his comment with some laughter and an eventual admission that he was happy to be there. He's kind of like those jerks who say "When I first met you, I hated you. Now I think you're cool." Thanks...

So what was the most pressing question on the mind of hostess Vanessa? You guessed it: are Landon and Shavonda still together? Rejoice everyone. The answer is NO. Apparently she visited him in Wisconsin, and the two suddenly realized they were completely different outside of the show. You know, he was a drunkard and she was a chatterbox. As for Shaun (who Karamo still cares waaaay too much about), Shavonda said that as of three weeks ago, they had still not been talking. Huh? When did they stop talking? I guess "not talking" means only calling each other three times a day, not five. These days, however, they are talking and even dating, but they're not boyfriend and girlfriend. Fantastic. Please go away now.

Willie meanwhile was slightly perturbed that he had been presented as the ultra effeminate gay guy of the house. He confessed that he only wanted to be the chill New Yorker who just happened to be gay, but that sort of subtle portrayal from MTV is sort of like asking a gong player to tone it down a little. Willie said he knew he'd be in trouble when he found out that straight-acting Karamo was gay too. Well, to be honest, the endless supply of sleeveless shirt didn't help either.

As for MJ, he was proud to announce that he and Ashley were still together. Hey, she was even there in the audience. Luckily, she hadn't had to endure again the life-altering trauma that is a two hour airport delay. Apparently she's still in therapy over that one.

Eventually, talk came around to the group's eventful trip to Fiji. Karamo defended his famous throat-slashing comment by saying "I said I would cut MJ's throat too!" Oh, OKAY. Never mind then. As long as everyone's throats get slit, that's cool. I was afraid it was just a directed hostile attack at Landon, and I didn't want anyone left out. What sort of a group bonding activity is that? By the way, has Karamo mentioned how much he hated everyone but now loves them? Wow, such a friendly guy devoid of any hostility issues.

Melanie meanwhile received grief about her PA explosion in Fiji. It wasn't that bad, she said, laughing off the entire altercation. Um, yeah it was, said Willie. The rest of the cast then backed him, proving that they all still hate Melanie most. Well, we know that one person likes Mel. "My mom called and said Mel really cares about you," said Sarah. Oh great. If there's anyone who knows anything about character, it's Sarah's mom —  a.k.a. the woman who told her to hit the treadmill because she had gained five pounds. Sarah's mom then added "I like this Melanie girl. She seems to make you feel badly about yourself. You know, really keep that eating disorder brewing." Shit, I'm going to hell. I might have to do my little "We are writing about the characters we see, not the real people" disclaimers. Phew! Guilt assuaged.

Vanessa then tackled the thorny topic of Landon's burgeoning alcoholism. He brushed off the entire question by saying that the show tried to paint him as Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde and that he wasn't so aberrant with his drinking or divergent in his behavior. He also noted that at home in Wisconsin, everyone drinks like that. Yes, especially the alcoholics. Here's the problem with Landon. From what we can tell, whenever he drinks, he seems to deal with his problems or grapple with whatever emotional burden that's weighing on him. That's what the experts like to call, I don't know, alcoholism? Still, he managed to excuse himself from any drinking problem he had, even after all the women confessed that they always felt scared around him when he was drunk. Classy. Landon proudly demonstrated his power over the bottle by declaring "I haven't picked up a knife since!" Baby steps, Landon. Baby steps.

Willie later made the funny of the evening when Vanessa asked Sarah what she was thinking when she tried to have sex with a gay guy. Sarah said she just wanted a conquest but could tell it wasn't working out, causing Willie to quip "He always asked you to turn around." Touché! That was TVgasm-worthy.

As the show entered its final third, we were treated to a montage of never-before seen footage. Let's see. There was an ’80s prom (glad we missed that), girls tripping (I do love slapstick), Sarah flashing her boobs (hey, why the hell not, right?), Landon getting in trouble with the police (wait, huh?), and some slip and slide antics (how glorious). The cast members gave various uninteresting explanations for the footage, culminating in the unpleasant image of a shard of glass piercing some dude's kidney. Thanks Landon!

Then the really salacious stuff came out. Yup. Karamo and Willie hooked up, and the producers even had grainy dance floor footage to prove it. Even better, we got to see Karamo giving a noticeably intoxicated Wille a casual hamstring massage. What in the? How did this not make it to air? Well, apparently, after it happened, the two never talked about it ever again. Listen, if anyone knows about repression, it's a gay person. Actually, Karamo and Willie weren't the only surprise hook ups. Sarah and Landon smooched a few times too. Ahh so. Looks like Shavonda only got the sloppy seconds of a girl who scared away three horny British teens. Now that's embarrassing.

As the show wrapped up, we learned that MJ and Landon weren't the bestest buds they had been portrayed to be on TV. In fact, they're two very different people who just so happened to have a shared admiration for man-perms. Landon then took the opportunity to whine that he was an individual. He really really was. And he's sensitive too. Just because he's got muscles doesn't mean he doesn't have heart! Mommy!

Surely though this reunion wouldn't be about petty relationship drama and bickering, right? I'm sure Vanessa would ask how Karamo's racial and trust issues had changed over the course of the show. Or maybe how Sarah had dealt with her self-image and eating-disorder? Nah. That's stuff is like too, I don't know, real for The Real World. Hey, let's watch footage of them tripping again. Yeah, that's the stuff.

Posted by at 7:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

When we last left our good friends at 24, Jack Bauer and his new sidekick Paul had infiltrated the nefarious corporate offices of some stodgy company whose name I can't recall, but I'm pretty sure it sounded like McNeil Lehrer. Sadly, instead of a roundtable discussion of the day's news and politics, Jack and Paul encountered shady executives and a smarmy security guard hellbent on severing any ties between the company and the terrorists it had harbored. What better way to avoid implication than to set off an EMP (electro-magnetic pulse)? Sure, it may have been excessive, but hey, this is 24 we're talking about here, not Judging Amy (although coincidentally enough, an EMP went off on that show last week also. It nearly killed Tyne Daly). So with the lights out in Downtown Los Angeles and Paul Raines captured by El Loco Security Guard, we found ourselves heading into tonight's episode wondering just how our fearless leader Jack would persevere. If you said "shotgun", you're on the right track.

The latest installment of the series took place between 7 p.m. and 8 p.m., Jack told us. As usual, we received our top of the episode debriefing as all the characters suddenly became dumb and asked for a little expository information to jog their memories. There was a terrorist attack today? Oh yes, the nuclear meltdown. Jack's in peril? Oh yes, that EMP that went off TEN MINUTES AGO.

Heading up the Exposition Olympics were Curtis and Audrey who at the outset of the show made some quiet chit chat to fill us in on some of the finer details of last episode. Curtis explained that Jack and Paul had been investigating McLennan Forster's records and must have found something incriminating. "So that's why they set off the EMP," deduced Audrey. No, they set off the EMP because they thought it was a juke box. Of course they found something incriminating! Somebody call Jessica Fletcher. We've got a super sleuth on our hands.

We then cut to poor Paul Raines who after enduring some torture courtesy of Jack and a Pier 1 lamp was now... enduring more torture. Our jolly bloke groaned in pain as the security guards first punched him in the stomach and then crushed his fingers in a door. These guys were seriously mad at the Brit. I'm surprised no one yelled "No taxation without representation!" I guess none of them had mistaken the present year for 1765. Strange. Happens to me all the time. You should see the awkward looks when I accidentally wear my powdered wig out in public. Ah yes, Stamp Act Congress humor. My favorite kind.

Luckily for Paul, Jack is an expert at killing nameless foes, and within minutes, the super-agent had freed our uncoordinated captive. WIth the coast clear, Jack and Paul ran up to an office to find the secret computer files they had managed to print out before the EMP. "Is this it?" Jack asked, raising up a sheet of code. No Jack. That's just from the time Paul decided to mash the keyboard with his fist and print it out.

Back at CTU, Michelle Dessler greeted the staff and announced her plan of attack. She assigned everyone to their various positions, ending with "That's all." She then added "Oh, and by the way, Tony's a drunken dirtbag. Proceed." Yes, the former lovebirds have finally reunited, and it hasn't been friendly. First Michelle threw his sobriety issues in his face and then she reduced his security access to "Level 3." I used to have Level 6, balked Tony, but his stickler ex-wife had no need for his whining, especially since Level 3 and Level 6 only referred to his parking spot. Luckily, Audrey Raines observed this little spat. We could only imagine what sort of non-essential meddling she'd be up to later.

Random aside: Did anyone else notice how the CTU computer screens look alarmingly like an Atari game? Just wondering.

Anyway, taking a break from the chaos of CTU were Curtis and Edgar who opted to check in with the local news. A reporter resembling Carey Lowell warned that massive looting was taking place in Downtown LA where a severe blackout had hit. Aw man. New York City went down in 2003, and no one looted then. What gives, Los Angeles? Well, actually, I can understand. My internet is down right now, and honestly, I'm just about ready to take a two by four and smash in the window of a laundromat. Anyway, as the news droned on, Edgar pondered the EMP's importance. Maybe McLennan Forster was hiding something, he surmised as a light bulb turned on over his head. He then added "Curtis, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't turn on that lamp every time I think out loud. It's very patronizing." Curtis then grunted and walked off with his lamp.

Elsewhere in Los Angeles, Habib Marwan called up a man named Anderson who appeared to be the unholy love child of Freddy Krueger and Eric Stoltz. Habib asked if Anderson was ready, to which Anderson said yes. He'll be there in thirty minutes, he said — whatever that means. Anderson then pulled out a highly decorated Army suit and admired it. Okay, we'll just assume this means bad news.

Meanwhile, in Downtown, Paul and Jack had escaped from the corporate headquarters and were now in the street. A company helicopter soon touched down nearby and out poured... CTU field units? No, silly. Mercenaries! Yes, apparently McLennan Forster also trains soldiers when it's not busy detonating EMPs and developing terrorist weapons. Kind of like Disney. Anyway, the mercenaries had arrived to take out Jack and Paul, and just their luck, the squad's leader was none other than... that big muscly black guy who plays a heavy in every movie out there. You know him. He played the gay ex-con in Friday After Next. I would look him up, but my INTERNET IS DOWN. I need to find a brick. I gots to loot! (Update: the guy's name is Terry Crews) (Update again: Turns out the guy is actually Christopher B. Duncan, not Terry Crews)(Last update: I love parenthetical updates).

Anyway, Jack and Paul ran for cover at a local gun shop, and after being shot at a few times by the proprietors, they managed to infiltrate the business, wave their badges (well, Paul only had an "I Heart Camilla Parker Bowles" kerchief to wave), and calm down the guys with the shotguns. Turns out they were Arab brothers who'd been dealing with racist looters all night. Yeah, they were just a tad on edge. When one of them asked WTF is going on, Jack curiously gave them almost a full debriefing. You see, there was an EMP that went off and—  okay, okay. There was an EMP. WE GET IT.

Jack told the brothers they should leave so as not to get caught in a shootout, and instead of just bolting right then and there, the two siblings stepped aside and whispered to each other while Jack and Paul loaded up some guns. Hmmm... I wonder if the brothers were going to stay? Maybe pull a righteous card and say "If it means fighting the terrorists who have made our lives so miserable, we will stay and fight with you!" Sure enough, the bros announced that they would in fact stand by Jack's side. Aww. That's nice. They'll be dead in twenty minutes. Oddly enough, Jack warned them that he couldn't force them to leave their own property, but he highly advised that they do so. Since when was Jack beholden to laws? He can chop off a suspect's head, but when it comes to making someone leave their property, he can only say "Please? Pretty please?" I don't get it either.

Back at CTU, Heller told someone on the phone that the President should stay in the air at least another hour. "Yeah, the staff here is about a week behind in building that Oval Office set, so just fly around another hour or two while we finish it up," he added. Audrey entered the room and sat down with her dad, expressing sadness over what had happened with Jack and Paul. I mean, Jack used a lot of force on Paul a few hours earlier. It had really shaken her up. Heller simply wrote it off, saying Jack had to do what he had to do. "I tortured my own son this morning. These things happen," he added.

Speaking of torture, recent torture victim Sarah Gavin confronted Michelle to inform her that Driscoll had made arrangements to raise her salary two pay grades and expunge that pesky mole accusation from he record. When Michelle's response was something akin to "Yeah, thanks. Could you be a lamb and file this for me?", Sarah became hostile and threatened not to work until the assurances were made. Mmm.. yeah. You're fired. Michelle called in the red storm troopers known as security and had Sarah removed from the building. "You'll regret this!" threatened Sarah as she was forcibly thrown out into the 24 junkyard. Well, it was fun while it lasted.

With the already under-staffed office losing another warm body, Michelle told Edgar and Curtis to split up Sarah's workload. The two quietly protested, saying that maybe Tony should take over Sarah's desk. We then cut to Tony who had been banished to some quiet corner of the building where he tinkered on a computer, most likely playing Snood. MIchelle reinstated him, and almost immediately he was makin' waves. You see, CTU knew mercenaries had entered the blackout zone in Downtown, but what they didn't know was where Jack was. Michelle wanted to establish a perimeter (oh yes, a perimeter. Eyes rolling back into head — perimetergasm), but Tony had a feeling that Jack would provoke massive amounts of gunfire in order to get the soldiers to use their radio frequencies and tip off CTU. Let's see. Jack will either stay put or he'll make a lot of noise and chaos? Which will it be? Well, apparently Michelle had forgotten Jack's Demolition Man tendencies and opted for the hard perimeter. She then added "I am a bureaucrat now. I don't listen to sensible options."

Tony works in his Level 3 corner of shame.

Afterwards, Audrey approached Michelle and pretty much told her that everyone loves Tony. She even threw in a neat anecdote about how he had saved her life just a few hours ago. The music on the soundtrack momentarily softened as MIchelle's face seemed to say "Maybe I do love Tony!" Later, Audrey and Tony spoke. He asked her if she had told Michelle about their adventures from the morning. There was more babbling, and Audrey left, feeling satisfied that she had proved to be appropriately meddlesome in her matchmaking goals. "I like to think of myself as a modern day Jane Austen character. Kind of like Emma," she told Edgar. "Now, how do you feel about Peggy in accounting? She's got some ankle-biters, but I hear she's a big fan of Styx also. You should tap that shit."

Back in the field, Jack, Paul, and the Arabian brothers prepared for all out war. "It's time," said Jack gravely. He then turned to one of the brothers and asked "You scared?" The guy simply answered that he just wanted "to be part of the solution." He then smiled at the camera and gave a thumbs up. Yay positive Muslim images! And to think people criticized this show for making all Muslims look like terrorists. Anyway, back to the Muslim terrorist story...

Actually, the Arabian guy hadn't finished his spiel. "My father left us this business when he died," he said, adding "He was a terrorist." Actually, no. He wasn't a terrorist, but by the time this boring little story ended, Jack had whipped out his mini telescope and was surveying the darkness for any incoming mercenaries. We like the mini telescope, but we'd prefer a periscope or maybe even a kaleidoscope, just for kicks. Anyway, true to form, Jack found the mercenaries and soon the scene devolved into a loud, exciting gun fight that most likely woke up all my neighbors (assuming they were asleep at 9:45 pm. Pussies). At one point, the screen filled with night vision, and I couldn't help thinking that this was the best videogame ever. Eventually, Jack, Paul, and the brothers managed to stave off the entire mini army, but as the CTU backups arrived, no one seemed to notice that one asshole security guard lying on the ground near dead but with his fingers twitching. Uh oh. This means that either the Arab brothers will bite it (probably not. They made it this far; they'll be fine) or Paul is gonna take one for the team. My money's on Paul. Sorry dude.

Back at CTU, Tony and Michelle shared a tender moment as the two apologized to each other, choked back tears, and then, well, got back to work. Hey, it was character building. Don't mock it. Okay, it was sort of lame. Let's go back to Downtown.

Bad news, Michelle. I'm pregnant.

While the CTU field agents secured the gun shop, Jack talked to the two brothers. "You're trying to shoot terrorists?" they asked. "We thought you said 'tourists.' We're terrorists. I mean, we're tourists. Tour-orists. We're tour-orists. Hey, is it getting hot in here? We're just gonna go set off a bomb. I mean, get some fresh air. Oy tough crowd." Later, as Jack handed over that printout of code to Agent Castle, that not-quite-dead security guard grabbed a gun. Sure enough, Paul took one right in the gut, and as the medic rushed in to save him, the screen split into four panels. Oooh, the big twist. What would it be?

Well, it was Anderson, a.k.a. Eric Stoltz Krueger. Habib called him up on the phone, and as Miiister Aaanderson (that was my Matrix impersonation) said he was ready to go, our favorite Mummy/terrorist noted that the President has a very tight schedule. Oooh, what pray tell do they have in store for us? We won't know until next week because those big ass numbers popped up on the screen. Blast! I might as well wring out this sweat rag now anyway. Ewww. Bad final image. Sorry about that. Hmmm... Let's think of puppies. Awesome!

Posted by at 3:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)

QUESTION: Why did he leave?

BULLSHIT ANSWER: “My intuition told me I need to focus on some personal areas in my life,” Vazquez told the local morning show “Good Day Live” on Monday in his hometown of New York. “I needed to take care of that first. To me, that meant I couldn’t continue on the competition.”

REAL ANSWER: A source close to the show refused to disclose any specifics, but did assure TVGasm, Mario was forced out. The "personal line" was organized by FOX lawyers.

YOU HEARD IT FIRST AT TVGASM!

By the way Mario, Alicia Keys wants her hat back STAT.

And while you're at it, Wilmer Valderamma wants his face back too.

Story developing.....

Posted by at 4:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)

Once again I am tardy with this recap of Survivor, but better late than never, right? Okay, I'll just dodge that tomato. Anyway, the severe delay I have between watching the show and writing the recap should not denote any disinterest I have in this season's cast. No, not in the least. I am a big fan of these people, even if half of them are too beautiful to bare. I read somewhere that the joy in The Amazing Race is watching average people navigate the globe, but the fun in Survivor is watching model/actor types languish amidst rats and bugs on an island. Truthfully, I don't have anything against models/actors/beautiful people, but for some reason, that assessment really does fit. That's not to say I don't enjoy our Twilas, Sandras, and Willards, but man, I could sure use a lot less Big Tom and a lot more, well, anyone.

This week's episode began with Ulong nursing the wounds of their third straight Tribal Council. As usual, the mood was sad. Actually, it wasn't just sad. It was saaaaaaad. Droopy faces were had by all, and James tried valiantly to motivate everyone with a hillbilly inspirational speech, but alas, his bon-mots fell on deaf, uninterested ears. Kim, for one, was lamenting the loss of person-trainer-turned-gimp Jeff —  a.k.a. her NotLover on the island. "Jeff is great for the team," she added, noting that "team" is her way of saying vagina. Meanwhile, James continued to babble on by the campfire. We're not going back! he insisted, adding that the women ought to use their "seshiality" a bit more. Sadly, not even the bravest of lateral lisps could whip this team into action. Ibrehem, by the way, really lit a spark under the team by sitting... and staring... and dozing off. Do you think he listens to the Carpenters in his brain?

The next morning at Koror, Katie retrieved some Tree Mail for her tribe. I wonder if the survivors accidentally get Tyra Mail from time to time? Could be very confusing. Anyway, the arboreal missive instructed the team to elect a representative of the tribe. There was mild panic as everyone feared that the rep might have to switch teams, but luckily Coby was brave enough to volunteer. Now don't go assuming that he got the job. Just because you volunteer doesn't mean anyone cares. Ian and Tom instead went back and forth, nominating each other and essentially ignoring our resident hairstylists plea for leadership. Coby interpreted this as a subtle demarcation of tribal lines: Tom, Ian, Katie, Gregg, and Jen vs. Coby, Caryn, Willard, and Janu. Ah so. Dissension amongst the ranks? According to the cutaway shot of two storks commiserating on the beach, I'd say so!

At least Koror could pick a representative. Ulong meanwhile shrunk from the challenge and opted to go fishing instead. We knew they were in trouble when Mark Burnett revved up our favorite stupid tom-tom music. That's his way of saying, "These people are idiots." Anyway, back on Koror's beach, island boredom turned to proud euphoria as Jeff Probst motored in on a formidable Home Depot boat. As usual, an overblown fanfare blared on the soundtrack, and for a moment, I thought the tribe were being recruited for a Jerry Bruckheimer movie. Instead, Probst simply asked "What's going on Koror?" When the survivors asked what was going on, Probst simply laughed and said "Normally I'd answer that, but since I'm now representing Home Depot, it's my duty to ignore your question and simply refer you to someone else at another beach."

Actually, what Jeff Probst did do was open up a mobile tool shed from which Ian could choose six items to help build a bathroom and shower for the tribe. Coby gushed to us in an interview "Who'd have thought I'd be so excited to see tools?" Well, to be fair, they were all from Madonna's new hardware brand, "Crazy for Tools." Anyway, turns out all this hubbub was for the next rewards challenge. Tribes had to build their facilities and the winning team would have the official Survivor construction team erect a shelter for them. You have to admit, that's an awesome reward.

After leaving Koror with all their supplies, the next stop on the Jeff Probst maritime tour was the solemn beach of Ulong, but unfortunately, the tribe was still out to sea fishing, instilling fear into the hearts of minnows and guppies worldwide. We then cut to the down-and-nearly-out tribe as they sat dejectedly in their outrigger. As usual, Ibrehem had his head cradled in his knees, and apparently the trend had caught on because both Kim and Stephenie had adopted this airplane crash position. Jeff called the troopers back to the beach, but his joyous mood quickly turned to joyous persnicketiness as he discovered there was no tribal leader yet. Finally, Ulong made an impromptu decision and elected James as the representative. I suppose it was based on his abilities to sport ultra high, ultra tight undies. Luckily, James seemed to have some sort of knowledge about construction, and soon Ulong was hard at work building their latrine.

Meanwhile, back at Koror, Caryn was voicing her mild frustration about the excessive Tom genuflection around camp. "The women can't throw a stick in the fire without 'Tom? Tom? Can I throw a stick in the fire?'" Caryn then turned to an off-camera Tom and asked "How did that sound? You like that?" Tom then nodded gravely as Gregg and Ian grabbed Caryn's arms, causing her to yell "But wait! I thought you said it was okay! I didn't mean to be insubordinate. Tom, you can't do this! TOM!" She was then thrown in a makeshift dungeon created from bamboo and monkey bones.

At Ulong, Angie was having similar issues with her leader, James. He had taken to patronizingly guiding her through the vigorous world of hammering nails and using a staple gun. Angie bristled at the tutelage, telling us that she fixes EVERYTHING. Well, everything but her skimpy drawers. Bitch, sew a miniskirt already!

Meanwhile, workhorse Kim alerted the team that she was feeling weak headed and dizzy. Must have been from all that arduous not-working. Thankfully, she took a break from her break so she could get some quality rest time in the shade. You know, if you don't get those 15 hours of sleep a day, it's like you're a zombie? Am I right people? While Kim rejuvenated her soul, her team's knack for being without a knack at construction continued. Bobby Jon managed to expend a good amount of energy chopping down a tree, only to have it become wedged in another tree. James, meanwhile, made the brilliant Homer Simpson move of trying to fix a staple gun while having it directly face his eyes. Yes, something tells me the Ulong bathroom might be a few Air Wicks short of lovely.

The next morning, Probst and construction expert Jesse arrived at the camps to survey the new facilities. The two examined Koror's offering first, and a few wisecracks and barbs later, it seemed like this tribe would be one to beat. Probst et al. then descended on Ulong's beach where the most impressive sight was Stephenie who appeared to have fake-baked over night. I guess someone smuggled a little Charlize Oscar Glow onto the island. Anyway, Ulong managed to pull off a nice little latrine space, but it's generally shaky construction and inability to cause Jesse to crack jokes was cause for alarm. That's not to say that James wasn't optimistic. He estimated that Probst would be back in two and a half hours, which was several hours short of the real arrival time: NEVER. Yes, Koror handily won the challenge, causing Ian to run about the beach with his limbs flailing like an elastic 1920s cartoon character. For his part, Tom revealed his inner acrobat by performing a lovely cartwheel celebration. Not even Caryn could dismiss that, especially since it reminded her fondly of the Celine Dion's "A New Day..." concert at Caesar's Palace.

As an added bonus to Koror winning an awesome shelter, the tribe also earned a surprise gift: two bottles of cold champagne. Well, a few swigs later, and Caryn was two sheets to the wind. She let loose a torrent of giggles for no apparent reason. I'm sure she had just finished telling a classic story. "This one time, Sheila Horowitz and I went shopping with Joanie Rosensweig. Anyway, long story short, I got this schmatte at Macy's and so Sheila says 'Feh' and, well, you had to be there. Pass the champagne."

While I enjoyed the little Extreme Makeover: Lavatory Edition, the most fun of the episode was the rowdy immunity challenge that had survivors battling each other for dominance. A member from each team had to ascend a platform in the sea and essentially shove the other player off using a giant cushion or beanbag of some sort. Bobby Jon and Tom battled first, with the fireman emerging victorious. Bobby Jon meanwhile slapped the water —  of course — and pouted back to the sidelines. Next up with Steph who predictably dominated over Jen (wait, who is she again? Has she even said anything this season?). Gregg surprisingly managed to knock Ibrehem into the water, and Angie of course came at Caryn like a pitbull sniffing out a defenseless baby. James reeled in shock as Coby shoved him over the side, but he wasn't nearly as surprised as Bobby Jon who suffered defeat again at the hands of Tom. Stephenie once again made Jen her bitch, sending the waifish blondie headfirst into the surf, and then in the most impressive display, Ibrehem came roaring out of the gate with a monster lunge that sent Gregg tumbling off the platform in less than five seconds. "Get your ass up off here!" screamed Ibrehem, suddenly louder than he'd been all season. Uh oh. Someone's woken up the beast. Run!

With the series tied at 5-4 (first to six wins), Angie once again made quick work of Caryn, effectively tying up the score. "WE'RE NOT GOING BACK TO IMMUNITY!" shouted Angie, quickly correcting to "TRIBAL COUNCIL!" Ouch. That's embarrassing. YOU ARE VERY SMOO— UH — SMOOTH!

It all came down to Coby and James once again. Honing his inner Hilary Swank, Coby splashed his face with ocean water and prepared to take down his scrawny foe. The two fought it out viciously, but at the end of the day, James proved Angie's initial sentiments right: they were not going back to immunity. No, James fell into the water and like that, Ulong lost its fourth straight immunity —  a Survivor record.

"Feels terrible having my butt whooped by a homosexual, you know? But a lot of gay folks are strong, man. They're all working out at the gym, you know? Damn!" said James in what we'll imagine was supposed to be a moment of understanding. At this point, a significant portion of Survivor's sensitive viewers balked at the screen and switched over to Will & Grace, just in time to hear Jack say "Oh my god! We gay folks are strong, man! We're all working out at the gym, you know. Damn!" Everyone then laughed and applauded. Thank goodness for the stereotype shattering powers of Will & Grace.

Anyway, the Ulong tribe members ambled around the beach with crushed spirits. Poor Stephenie continued to be in the state of OMG that had descended upon her in the first episode. Ultimately, the group grappled with either ousting Kim (duh) or James (nice misdirection). There was some mild babble about keeping an all-girls alliance, but, well, we know how that works out.

At Tribal Council, Jeff Probst greeted Ulong with a freshly minted asshole comment: "I saved your seats for you from last time." Zinger! Good one Jeff. I'm glad you added "from last time." Otherwise, I may have been totally lost without the context! Anyway, Probst got to work busting Kim, asking her exactly what she contributes to Ulong, or the world in general. Unsurprisingly, Kim had very few direct answers for the surly host, and instead she wound up bullshitting some lame responses.

Later, Probst came down on the guys for being less impressive than the women. Bobby Jon deflected the criticism by saying "If Kim can use that sling and kill us a bear, I want her to." Kim smiled, but then added "We all know the best I can do is kill an ant. Well, as long as it doesn't see me."

Well, Kim put up a good fight, and by "good", I mean "incredibly flacid" and in an unsurprisingly turn of events, our favorite Felicity Huffman look-alike was voted off by a margin of four to one. That's okay. Now she can return to a life of leisure (pronounced "leh-zhure") full of sitting on chaise-longues and giant pillows. Looking forward to weeks of "it was all the editing" interviews!

Posted by at 4:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (17)

Every Sunday evening, I like to curl up with a nice, 28-ply cashmere throw, sip imported tea from a rare Mesopotamian golden goblet, and flip my 48-inch plasma television to ABC to catch Extreme Home Makeover, where poor and unfortunate people are given homes and various other accoutrements, largely sponsored by Sears. In the past, I would watch in glee and sadness as the blind, deaf, autistic, widowed and cursed heartland of America was given one more chance of freedom, of hope.

Last night’s episode, however, went overboard. While part of the show’s fun lies in bequeathing Kenmore appliances to the poor, one of the most interesting parts is seeing how the troupe of 500-plus builders, contractors and designers puts together a house in only seven days. Yesterday it was Kassandra Okvath, an adorable 8-year-old girl battling cancer, who requested that the show redecorate the children’s cancer ward at the University Medical Center in Tucson, Arizona. The show obliged, but also secretly gave Kassandra and her large family unit a brand new home themselves. Overall, a grand idea.

But lately, the shows self-congratulatory testimonials and interstitials have seemed to overpower the design aspect, so that instead of seeing the house being built we’re seeing Ty Penington give knuckle sandwiches to the staff, making video clips of himself for the family, and shouting at the staff/America using an unneeded bullhorn. Ty Penington: Carpenter with a Soulpatch of Gold.

In addition to the usual cringe-worthy antics of Ty, we had a whole load of other bullshit to put up with last night. One of the designers decided to write a children’s book inspired by Kassandra’s life, entitled something akin to “The Power of Love” or “A Child’s Love”, etc. The designer, Pat O’Theback, tearfully explained the concept of the book, which then led to a Reading Rainbow-style cartoon mock-up of the illustrations with a young child reading the prose. This lasted roughly 2 minutes, i.e. 2 minutes too long. Sitting alone in my Soho loft, petting my Norfolk terrier Coco, I shouted to everyone and no one at the same time “Why am I watching this?!?” The concept of the show in itself is shlocky. The last thing ABC needs to do is drizzle more sadness and affection on top of emotions that speak for themselves.

Later on, a female designer named Chris Myass told of an adorable anecdote (note: vomit-inducing). When small Kassandra (a real doll of a kid) was waiting to see their new digs, she was shivering. The designer, in a fit of kindness, lent the little girl her coat -- a pink, hooded nightmare that would only look appropriate on a girl of 8, and which coincidentally fit her like a glove. Cutting to a testimonial, Chris explained how generous she was, saying “Kassandra looked so adorable in my coat…. Yes, she can keep it. (big, self-congratulatory smile).” Well whoopdeefuckindo. These people are being given a stunning adobe-style mansion and we’re wasting a minute of airtime talking about your goddamn coat that just got off the hein-train, last stop, My Incinerator?

Meanwhile, the house was gorgeous, as was the hospital they redecorated (albeit with Disney characters – nice tie-in, ABC.) But did we see how it happened? No. Why? Maybe because ABC is really milking this dying cow for all it’s worth by airing another episode Monday nights called “How’d They Do That?”, which is basically what the show used to be before it turned into the Jerry Lewis Hell-a-thon. Note to ABC: When you pepper the whole show with crying morons and over-the-top shmaltziness, it really takes away from the climax of tears at the end of the episode. And seriously? Ty Pennington? YOU’RE A GROWN MAN. Act as such.

Oh, and p.s.: Nice book title. Ty’s Tricks. I know a lot of guys in the West Village who’d love to talk to you about your… “tricks.”

Today’s meaningless rant brought to you by: Day jobs. When life serves you lemons, squeeze ‘em on your wounds.

Posted by at 9:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (28)

So you're a Fox actor, but your show's been cancelled or your character's been killed off. What to do? Why, pop up in House, M.D., the reigning hotspot for Fox dayplayers waiting for their next pilot. I first noticed this trend when Leslie Hope (aka Teri Bauer from 24) popped up in a promo, apparently suffering from some boil-inducing medical mystery. Now Fox is proudly advertising a similarly bedridden performance by Sarah Clarke (aka Nina Myers from 24 —  aka the woman who killed Teri Bauer). Luckily, 24 isn't the only program to benefit from House, M.D.'s generous network nepotism. Other Fox vets checking in under Dr. House's watch are Dominic Purcell, late of John Doe, and Chi McBride, late of Boston Public, which is not to be confused with Boston Legal (or Boston Market for that matter).

While this sort of casting is far from anything new, it does leave us to speculate which other fallen Fox stars might show up on House, M.D.. Penny Johnson Jerald could mirror her work on 24 by playing an administrator's wife who just happens to be complicit in a nuclear bomb attack. Or maybe Seth Green can return as a man fighting to save his puppet bunny's limbs from gangrene. Elisha Cuthbert would be a perfect fit for that cougar-trap victim they've been trying to cast, and I've heard a rumor that Amanda Righetti is circling a role that has her playing a sexy but dangerous concierge/go-go dancer for the hospital. Doesn't really make sense, but we'll go with it. I personally would like to see a little Method and Red action, if only to precipitate several Redman/"Doc" puns. Well, actually, I just wanted to make a neat Photoshop picture.

Oh, and David Faustino, you can put down the phone. House, M.D. still doesn't need you as an extra.

Posted by at 3:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Or is there?

I hate to be the messenger of bad, meaningless news, but this afternoon Mario Vazquez, one of America's favorite Kangol-clad contestants on American Idol, dropped out of the competition citing "personal reasons." Indeed, Mario, who was one of the top picks to win the competition, has been replaced with Nikko Smith (aka "The Artist Formerly Known as Ozzie").

How will this effect the competition, and more importantly, the world at large? Hard to say. News organizations will undoubtedly have a field day speculating as to the reasons for his departure. Perhaps the pressure of singing Air Supply on national television finally made Mario crack. Or perhaps he realized that his credibility as a serious artist was virtually nil as America's Idol. Perhaps he ran out of hats. Whatever the reason, he will be sorely missed, as he was one of the most engaging, talented, and adorably "is-he-or-isn't-he?" performers on the program.

We wish him the best of luck, and hope that whatever contracts Fox made him sign (first born, soul, etc.) won't prevent him from eventually making it big as a performer. Also, glad to see "Nikko" back, as I've thought he was adorable from day 1.

And here's hoping that Constantine Maroulis pulls a Mario Vazquez.

Posted by at 6:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

This just in. The 2005 NCAA Men's Tournament field has been announced. If you happened to miss our notice this week, TVgasm is inviting everybody to make their predictions in the Yahoo! Sports Tournament Pick 'Em for our group Million Dollar Gasm. It's very easy. You make your picks. If you are the best among the other TVgasm fans, you take home your choice of TVgasm merchandise at the TVgasm store.

To play for the Million Dollar Gasm:

1. Go to http://tournament.fantasysports.yahoo.com/men

2. Click on the "Sign Up" button to create a team

3. After completing registration, or if you already have a team, click the "Create or Join Group" button and follow the path to join an existing private group. Then, when prompted, enter the league information

Group ID#: 19114
Password: tarshibar

4. Make your picks.

5. Enjoy all of the great basketball in the next two and a half weeks.

You can make your picks right up until the first game starts Thursday March 17th. We will post a few reminders just in case people forget to sign up/fill their brackets and will post updates throughout the tournament. Any questions or comments, please e-mail finalfour@tvgasm.com.

Good luck, and we encourage lots and lots of trash talking. For instance, the UConn fans who were giving me shit about beating Syracuse last week must love this picture of Hakim Warrick dunking against their team on their way to a Big East Championship.

Posted by at 4:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Back on February 24th, we here at TVgasm informed you that according to the Internet Movie Database, Demi Moore would be starring in The OC's next season premiere. Well, funny how an internet rumor can change things. You know, like a cast listing. According to the IMDb, Demi Moore is no longer listed as a guest star for our favorite beleaguered soap. I guess following in the footsteps of Kim Delaney was just a little too daunting.

Also curiously gone from the IMDb is Michael Nouri's double role as both Dean and Neil Roberts. We like to think we blew the cover off some maniacal evil twin plot regarding Summer's dad... or at least caught a clerical error. Either way, I think it's safe to say the world is better place because of it.

So was the IMDb flawed or does Fox want to keep Demi under wraps? We'll never know. I'd like to side with the conspiracy theory, if only because it's more fun and makes us look cool, but I guess we'll have to wait until November to see if Summer's family includes Demi Moore (and an identical twin uncle for that matter). Hey, we only report on what we see. For those of you needing tangible proof of the cast changes, check out the screenshots after the jump.

Posted by at 12:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Sorry it has taken me so long to deliver my opinion on the first episode of Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Inferno II. After some months of unemployment bliss, I found a full time job. Much to my surprise, this job has real responsibilities and stuff, so I can't stay up to 3AM to finish my posts anymore. I would have put a little more effort into getting my recap out in a more timely fashion, but there was no elimination, so hopefully the suspense was not killing anybody. This season, we return to The Inferno, a challenge that had plenty of drama in its first incarnation, but the highlights were Road Rules team trying to get rid of Katie almost every week, but failing, and crazy Mormon rocker Julie trying to send Veronica to a messy and well-deserved demise during one of the tasks.

Bunim/Murray has been trying to mix things up in these reunion challenges, specifically, they are looking for a way to mix up the teams and get a little variety. At first, it was always Real World vs. Road Rules, but the Road Rulers were taking over as of late. Battle of the Sexes was one attempt to mix things up, but the girls were not enough of a match physically, and the competitions did not take into account any physical differences, and so the girls pretty much got thumped the whole time. The Inferno II puts a new twist on the makeup of the teams, with Good Guys against the Bad Asses.

We'll have to wait and see if this new way of deciding teams is going to be any good, but I there are some changes that make for an interesting game. These challenges are always plagued by the way a team chooses who is going to be eliminated, or in the case of the Inferno or Gauntlet, which team member is going to compete to stay home. In the last Inferno, the teammate's picked a combatant for the Inferno, but if they did well enough in a second challenge, they could send somebody else to the Inferno. And even if they did get to the Inferno, they had a chance to save themselves by going head to head against a member of the other team and winning.

In practice, that didn't really help for selection, because teammates on these challenges tend to be very cliquey and it's easy to pick on somebody you don't like. Need more proof? Just ask Sarah and Katie. The Inferno II tries to make things a little more fair by having the opposing team nominate somebody to go the Inferno. Although this doesn't necessarily mean that a person won't be singled out more often, it is much more likely that they will be singled out because they are a weak player than a personality conflict. This also puts some more strategy in the choice. Do you pick one of the other team's weaker players knowing they have a good chance of getting eliminated, or do you pick a stronger player, hoping to knock off one of the big guns? It's enough to take the edge off of my cynicism, at least for a little while.

As I said before, there may be some questions about the selection of the cast, and their is one notable absence among them all - Coral is not a member of either team. Yes, the one person we all thought we be included in ever reunion challenge for the remainder of time is not a part of the latest trip to Mexico. I don't follow Real World gossip, so I don't know why she chose not to go/was left off, but we will have to do with the Miz and Veronica, not to mention new stalwarts Rachel, Abram, Darrell, and Tonya to satisfy our lust for recycled contestants.

The teams make their way into the new Inferno. Last year, it was outside, but this year it is inside and a lot more menacing. Several people were prompted mentioned that it looks like they were actually in hell. Dave Mirra also took this time to announce the teams to each other, as if they hadn't already figured it out on the flight from Los Angeles, or during the times they see each other at parties, birthdays, and The Saddle Ranch. The teams are:

Good Guys: Brad (San Diego), Darrell (Campus Crawl), Jamie (San Diego), Jodi (X-treme), Jon (Los Angeles), Julie (New Orleans), Landon (Philadelphia), Mike (Back to New York), Robin (San Diego), and Shavonda (Philadelphia). The Bad Asses: Abram (South Pacific), Beth (Los Angeles), CT (Paris), Dan (Miami), Derrick (X-treme), Karamo (Philadelphia), Rachel (Campus Crawl), Tina (South Pacific), Tonya (Chicago), Veronica (Semester at Sea).

I have a few questions about these teams. I know that there was this whole voting thing to pick who would be on each team, but do we really think this is how they picked them out? Overall the choices are good, except for Jon and Beth who are usually very boring and uninteresting on these things, but I do question who was put on who. I really wouldn't call this Good Guys vs. Bad Asses, but rather Jerks vs. Slightly Smaller Jerks. And what are they trying to say by putting all of the gay teammate's on the Bad Asses team? Do the voters think all homosexuals are evil, or just not to be trusted? Couldn't we have brought back Sophia or Ruthie to show that gay people are nice too?

After the introduction to their Inferno battleground, they all got to visit their new house. I can believe the first time these people are in front of the camera and they go crazy about their fly crib, but some of these people have been on some form of MTV show five or six times. Of course you have a sweet house you idiots. I challenge the producers to one day put them in a dump. That would truly show you who is in it just for the money, and who is just so desperate to be on TV and grab some fame, they will say yes to anything. I know you have to have something that you don't mind getting completely torn apart, but why not some cinderblocks and a tin roof? Imagine how difficult these people are when they have bed lice. And don't give them any good booze. Force them to live off of Natty Light, Old English, and Zhenka. That is good TV people.

The first challenge of the next day took place on the beach, and it afforded us the chance to see how the Bad Asses were going to try and intimidate the Good Guys. Veronica tried really hard in her polka dot pink bikini, and nothing says intimidation like the ever so jacked Dan and his bleached blonde hair frolicking in the surf.

Team Bad Asses really didn't need to do any intimidation, because the challenge looked to be plenty physical enough. The two teams would split up into pairs, and would compete in a number of physical tasks in the sand and surf, while a couple of Navy SEALs barked out orders. If they weren't performing up to task, the SEAL would tell them that they suck, and they would be eliminated. As a final insult, they were forced to ring a bell when they were eliminated, just to show how manly they weren't.

I am all for this sort of competition, but I think you have to have something where the elimination is not up to the subjective belief of one person how badly you are doing. I don't think either of the SEALs is going to favor one team or another, but how do we know that they are using the same exact criteria. Plus, they can't keep an eye on everybody, somebody could just goof off until they got near, not actually having to compete the whole time.

Reservations aside, the teams paired off. Since the winner would be whoever had the last team standing, it made sense to pair off your two strongest competitors together, but this was lost upon Tonya. She complained that she and her partner weren't a good match, but the point wasn't having a bunch of people that would do well together. There was no cumulative prize for the team that had more people last longer, it all came down to one team. There fore, you have your strongest team, and everybody else. Dan tried to make this point to Tonya, and it bruised her ego, and she started to wine. Even though they are all Bad Asses, they can still hate each other, and this should be for some interesting episodes.

The parts of the competition did not look hard at first, but the length of time they had to spend completing the tasks made it difficult. They did things like wheelarrows to the surf and back, pushups, raising a heavy log above their head, and killer leg lifts sure to burn a hole in your abs. People dropped off quickly, some because they were too exhausted, and some because the tasks were to challenging. For instance, Karamo made it a point note that as soon as he gets to the water, he only thinks about drowning and nothing else. Gotta love those Bad Asses, and their killer instincts.

Their performances behind them, the task came down to picking out who would be going into the Inferno. As I said before, the opposite teams make the nominations, and the person who is nominated does have a chance to save themselves. There is a bunch of strategy involved, especially in the early going, especially for a bunch of people who are seven, eight, and nine year seniors, and would list "Cashier - Hooters" on an MBA application.

After much was deliberated, the Bad Asses chose Mike, and the Good Guys chose Dan. Next week, we have our second challenge and the first Inferno match up. It might be a little early to tell, but this season should at least be better than Battle of the Sexes II (not a ringing endorsement, I know).

What do you think of the new season? How are the cast and teams? Who is going to win in the end?

Posted by at 3:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

So we are back with another episode of The OC after a week's hiatus. Last week we got a replay of the episode where everybody visited Deep, met members of the valley, and Ryan chewed out Haley for trying to make a living in the hospitality business. Deep no longer exists, and from experiences last week, there are a number of places in Hollywood still hurting. But as the weather gets nicer, I am sure things will pick up. I am not so sure if I can say that about the OC. Sure I have been hostile towards the show, and maybe I didn't really was a little too critical now that I am trying to bring the snark every week. I'll try and give the show a clean slate, and give my impressions from a slightly less "god this is awful" view.

You may remember that Lindsay has been banished to Chicago. We aren't quite sure why the writers decide to end all relationships with a loved one in the hinterland. Why would have been so bad if they had just broken up? Is it more painful since she is far away? It's not like they are going to run into each other at school, since apparently the kids don't go to school anymore. I am also not sure why they didn't have Theresa move to Louisville or something, because a move to the midwest would have made a lot more sense in trying to cover up her PREGNANCY, or am I the only one who remembers she was knocked up?

Seth, who was really annoying when he was depressed and trying to get back together with Summer, is even more annoying now that he is happy that he and Summer are back together. He is making his jokes and stuff, but Ryan just wants to be left alone. Ryan actually raises his voice at Seth to tell him to be quiet, then starts sulking. "I have had a lot of people in my life who have just left. I thought that time was over, but I guess not". Oh give me a break! You have known Lindsay for what, six months at most? You have been her boyfriend for perhaps half of that? Were you really going to marry her Ryan, or just stay with her after you got her pregnant? You are only 17, go chase some skirt and be over with it already. The world did not end jackass. You broke up. This is the third girlfriend you had in the last six months, so I think you can rebound

While we had to listen to Ryan complain, we did finally get an explanation about why the Cohen's haven't asked Ryan to sleep inside yet. You see, there are only two bedrooms in the house. He could have had Seth's room, but they were worried about his privacy. I didn't live in Newport, but managed to make it through my high school years with some space of my own. It was called a door lock and a novelty "Stay Out" sign I hung on my door. Seth decides to give him some space, but when he leaves, Ryan starts packing up like he is going to leave. Seth stopped at Portland, so maybe Ryan can make it all the way to Seattle? Maybe he can make it to Alaska, fake his age, and work for an oil company. There's all sorts of possibilities when you are so good at being morose and sullen.

Although Kirsten and Sandy didn't break up, they did have a little relationship difficulties, and they are trying to work through them. Sandy and Rebecca really didn't do anything of substance. She kissed him, but he didn't really like it, at least not for more than a few seconds. They make sure to say "Hey" to each other, as if she had kicked Sandy to the couch, make a few awkward movements, and then decide to try and make things better.

If you are looking for a sign that your wife doesn't really have faith in you, seeing her without her wedding ring is a one pretty large indication. Obviously Kirsten still has trust problems with Sandy. She says she took it off when she was planting geraniums and perhaps it went down the sink, but we all know that is a lie. Sandy immediately tries to overcompensate but putting everything he has into finding that wedding ring, which means he is going to take the sink apart himself. As side stories go, this one wasn't bad, but it was quite obvious that the ring was going to be used as a metaphor for their relationship. If somehow Sandy found it, the effort he put into the relationship would tell Kirsten that she could once again trust him.

Seth is annoying, and I think that putting him back together with Summer was an easy way for the writers to make enough viewers happy that they would overlook how pedestrian the show has become, but a happy Seth is much better to deal with. He is even slightly less self-absorbed. Now that he is back with Summer, he can concentrate on keeping the most important relationship in his life healthy, so he asks his girlfriend to help him cheer up Ryan. Now that Seth isn't stalking her, Summer is more than happy to oblige. She decides that they won't leave any man behind, just like the Marines.

Summer and Seth decide that they are going to take Ryan to the mall, because there is just nothing else they could think that he would be more excited about, and they needed to pick up some clothes for a homeless shelter. On his way back to see Ryan, he sees his father playing around in the sink, looking for his mom's ring, and Caleb sitting next to him, complaining about what a big jerk he was to Lindsay. They stop to make a joke about a plumber, and they love their plumber's cracks! Get it? That was funny because it had two meanings. Upon arriving in Ryan's room, he sees that there is nothing but a note. After reading it, Seth gets up, runs out of the house, and grabs his keys. He already got back one love of his life, if he rushes he can get back the other.

I was thinking that Ryan was going to run away. Where, I am not sure. He was complaining about all of the people that just left during his life, maybe he was going to go and see the girl that he walked out on. You know, Theresa, the one who had a miscarriage with your baby, or at least what we thought was your baby. Ryan is more sensible than that though, he is simply at the bus station, ready to make the trip to Chicago and surprise Lindsay.

Wha?

First off. Southwest flies between Orange County and Chicago, why not just take that flight? It saves you like, two days worth of travel. Second, you are seventeen and live in Newport Beach. Act your age and be shallow for a little bit. Tap some 16 year-olds in bikinis while you can. In another year that will land you in prison. Lindsay will still be around then. All of that love you built over your three month relationship isn't just going to disappear right? With some persuasing, Seth gets Ryan to follow him to the mall. All is happy. Cut to the Marines entering camera left and cue Seth with joke about how he just finished "Saving Private Ryan". Still, that joke was only mildly obvious. Bravo OC writers!

No outing with Seth, Summer, and Ryan would be complete without Marissa right? Too bad she is so happy now with Alex and doesn't hang out with her friends. Well, not quite. Joining the long list of OC relationships that fall apart (they always come in threes), there is some trouble with Marissa and Alex. Marissa might be fun as a girlfriend, but she is worthless as a roommate. She doesn't know how to do laundry (witness pink laundry), and she isn't helping out at all with the rent. The funniest part of this whole sequence was when Alex got mad at Marissa for not getting an after school job. I mean, you have to be kidding me. When was the last episode when any of them were in school? Secondly, what did Alex thing Marissa would accomplish at school? Get good grades, get a scholarship from the United Lesbian College Fund (a mind is a terrible thing to waste), become an OB-GYN and move into a condo?

Marissa is upset because she can't spend as much time as she wants to with Alex, who has to work in order to make money. They are late on their rent, so when Summer drops in and asks if Marissa wants to go to the mall, she is more than eager. I know Marissa kind of wants to escape her problems, but I think she could actually make this relationship work. She shouldn't let money get in the way of things, and they could probably save two or three hundred dollars a week if they just stopped drinking all the time. And if that is too much for them, why doesn't she pile some of those empties into her Mustang and cash in some of those bottles?

Finally, it's the way it should be. Seth and Summer, Ryan and Marissa. If your show isn't doing well, just put some of the fan favorites in relationships together - that gave Friends another two or three seasons at least. All of them make it to the mall, and they begin the difficult work of stacking old clothes in preparation for their fundraiser. Somehow, while all of that was happening, six or seven hours transpired and it was night time. The store clerk mentioned the store was closing early, and it looked like all of them were stuck inside the back storeroom, and nobody even had a single bar of cell service.

Before we continue on with the kids, we need to give you a little update on what is happening with the adults. Kirsten is so pissed at Sandy, she prefers to spend her weekend discussing the Newport Living magazine with Julie Cooper-Nichol. Julie is not a publisher, and so she is objecting to meeting this guy Carter about being editor. Which reminds me, I kind have been wondering about this whole thing about people in this show working on the weekends. Why does it happen so much. First, the entire comic book company was working Saturday and Sunday, and no the Newport Group has a secretary working on a Saturday. Oh, that's believable.

When Carter, played by Billy Campbell, arrives, he is fairly no nonsense. He knows that they don't want anything to do with him and he tells them that he doesn't want to do anything to do with them. But he does end the meeting on a note that everybody can understand "How about a cocktail". This guy is obviously well read on Kirsten Cohen.

Sandy looks like he found a new best friend. At first he was just there to listen to Caleb talk about how bad of a parent he was, but then Caleb became more and more interested in finding Kirsten's ring. Since he hurt one of his daughters, it might make him feel better if he helps make another one happy. I thought to myself "Hmm, Haley seemed happy last time we heard from her", but we are talking about the bastard daughter. Still Caleb, you do have a third daughter. Maybe you remember her from the time she was having sex with your wife's ex-husband?

When Sandy can't find the ring, he remembers how the first ring he gave Kirsten came from an arcade. He saved up to buy her a real one, but she wore the plastic thing for two years. Maybe it's the thought that counts, right Sandy? Right. Let's go to the pier and try and snag us a ring! Let's hope she believes it is the thought that counts.

Now, everybody knows that our four teenagers get stuck in the mall. They were relieved when they were able to get out of the storeroom, with much thanks to Seth Cohen getting all Mission Impossible with the heating ducts. He found his way out, or more accurately, fell through a hole, and let everybody out of the storeroom. Time to get home and call our loved ones before people miss us, right? Please. They are young and reckless, why not just stay overnight in the mall and get some McMuffins and shamrock shakes in the morning? Summer even mentions that it was just like an episode of the Valley when two people got locked in bank vault. No, actually this whole thing is just like when the kids of Saved By the Bell, were stuck in the mall. I am also predicting that Seth and Summer get locked in a boiler room during the junior prom.

The writers did have a little dose of reality with the first activity everybody used to pass the time. If you are in a store with a bunch of sporting, goods, who wouldn't strap some equipment on and play ball? I would have done football or baseball, but our OC kids chose hockey. Conveniently, everybody wore goalie masks, obscuring their faces. Would Mischa, Rachel, Adam, and Ben call in stunt doubles? I do wonder. They played a game to find out who would sleep in the mattress section and who would camp out in the sporting goods. Forgetting for a minute that I haven't seen a department store with only one mattress on display, this seemed like a fair proposition.

I'm not sure if I'm the only one, but the whole time I was thinking "Where is the security?". We are supposed to believe that this store doesn't have any motion sensors or video cameras? Not only that, we are supposed to believe that Ryan, having lived one year in Newport, has completely forgotten his street savvy, and is suddenly unaware that the place might have some theft deterrents? The writers did work in a motion detector at the bottom of the escalator, and it was set off when the floor hockey ball they were using rolled down the escalator. Again, it is fine for us to suspend disbelief, but even a convenience store has better surveillance than this place.

Still, the teenagers are acting like teenagers, so I can't complain that much. We did actually learn a few things about everybody during this whole mall trip. When the guys were off in the heating ducts trying to rescue everybody, the Summer and Marissa were alone, and talking about their new loves. Marissa obviously sounded like she wasn't so sure about her relationship with Alex, and although Summer made it sound like she was absolutely sure things were right in the world, I thought I heard just a fraction of doubt. She aloud she wanted things to be like they were, and you were wondering if she said it so she would believe it herself.

This whole discussion wouldn't have been that surprising, but Ryan had listened to the whole thing. He was coming back after Seth fell, and listened to the whole thing, including the part where Marissa had never felt better than when she was with Ryan. Ryan, who had been mourning Lindsay, seems to think about that for a moment. "If I get her pregnant, she'll have to break up with her girlfiend". You don't know how much joy I get in writing that sentence.

We also got what I consider a slightly disturbing profile of Seth. I know that everybody is going to disagree with me and say that Seth and Summer are meant to be together, but he really is so possessive it is scary. I do understand why he is broken when she is not around, and it is more believable than what we had with Ryan and Lindsay. Seth noticed that Summer had been keeping a postcard kind of hidden from him for awhile. Since it features the leaning tower of Pisa, he is afraid that it is from Zach, and that maybe Summer isn't telling him something. He tricks Summer into leaving to find some more fake logs for their fake campfire. Summer leaves, but of course comes back in time to see that Seth has rifled through her person and started reading her mail. It's enough to piss anybody off.

During the time they decided to make a night of it in the department store, they all made calls to their loved ones. Summer called and made another drug reference to her stepmom, while Seth was completely honest with his dad. Marissa, as is her practice, lied to Alex about her whereabouts. They were going through a tough time. Marissa seemed to love the idea of being emancipated, but in practice, she is just another spoiled girl who can't follow through on anything. She takes the easy way out of most things, and that includes her new found lesbianism. Although she made a promise to Alex to have some takeout and spend some time by the ocean, she went to the mall. And faced with the prospect of telling the truth to somebody who has taken her through a difficult time of her life, she can't do it. She makes the excuse that she was doing laundry at her mom's house.

For Alex, being with Marissa is not a joke, not a phase, and she has invested a lot in it. She was hesitant at first because she wasn't sure if she would be hurt, and she's not just going to let Marissa go. She goes over to the Cooper-Nichol household, and runs into Julie, who is watching a very interesting video.

This week, the writers introduced us to Lance, a guy from Julie's past. I have not personally met a person named Lance who was anything but trouble. Actually it was only one kid from my high school, and after a night drinking with some friends, I reluctantly told him I would drive him home. My poor Integra was cursing me, especially after lance threw up all over the passenger's seat. I cleaned it out but it sucked having to leave a window open during November in the New York. Damn you Lance. DAMN YOU.

Julie's Lance started showing up this episode, and Julie was trying as hard as possible to avoid any sort of confrontation with him. When Julie is trying to avoid confrontation, you know something is wrong. He comes to her office, and she hides, but when she bumps into him later that evening at the restaurant she was going to eat with Carter and Kirsten, she decides to face him. They obviously have a history, and it isn't good. He is making demands, and you wonder what kind of leverage he has on her to make her seem so nervous. He hands her a paper bag and leaves. We aren't sure what was in it, but it caused Julie such worry that she left dinner immediately.

Quite obviously this guy wasn't giving her money, and the package wasn't shaped like it had a bunch of incriminating 8x10s inside, so you could only surmise one thing - porn. Indeed, it was true. There are on the screen was Julie Cooper (and Melinda Clarke looks hot in her head band, and I am sure she was wearing legwarmers. good stuff), and there was Lance to deliver her a pizza. The movie, the Porn Identity is a great name. Ironically, a simple google search shows that an actual video with the same name was released this week from our favorite boys in Chatsworth, Hustler Video. I wonder if Hustler will sue the OC and Fox for using the name in the movie?

Alex asks Julie where Marissa is, and when she finds out Marissa is not there, you can see how hurt she is. Julie is not trying to be a bitch, but she does tell Alex that what she is experiencing is in Marissa's nature. It's only a matter of time before you meet Marissa's friends "sullen and vindictive". Alex says she has only seen "scared and overwhelmed". They are both cousins of two OC writers, we know them as "repetitive and boring".

Some may say it is repetitive to see Kirsten get drunk all of the time, but I still laugh every time she goes for the bottle. The OC writers are trying to show their "Sideways" solidarity, because Kirsten orders a Pinot instead of her normal Merlot while at Dinner with Carter, who happens to be a recovering, divorced alcoholic. If there was anybody that would be perfect for Kirsten looking to get a little on the side, I am sure it is him.

Back at the mall, Seth and Summer were arguing about the postcard, and Ryan and Marissa were talking about the past, but there was more important things about to happen. Summer heard a noise, and she saw some flashlights. It took a little while, but the mall security/police finally made it. Now although everybody had already been caught on video, they all decided to make a break for it. They leave the mall, make it to the Range Rover (Ryan driving of course), and bouced up out of there, as DMX would say. Now although I don't make $8.50 an hour watching security monitors, I probably would have noticed the only car in the mall parking lot, and maybe have asked some questions about it. I also wouldn't have been so easily fooled by the mannequins they used as a decoy to make their escape. But nobody connected the dots, so everybody was safe, at least until they review the security tapes.

Not so fast. There is that little thing about Julie's porn video. She calls Lance, who tries to blackmail her for half a million dollars - money she can't come up with without people knowing. If this came out, it would ruin her marriage, and the relationship with her kids (she does have two). It also makes you wonder just a little more about the early courtship between her and Jimmy Cooper. As twists go, this one has some potential, although the producers could have introduced Lance many episodes ago to give a little more suspense.

Alex and Marissa weren't great, but I think it was cut off too short. It looks like it was a sideshow, almost as if they were trying to phase her out completely. It looks like Mischa isn't going to leave, because it seems she is back into the fold. And while it pains me to think they dragged this season out so long just to get back to the point where they were last season at this time, perhaps refocusing will upgrade what happens on screen. If there was any strength to this episode, it was that the adult story lines flowed very well within the story. Everything happening looked like it was part of one concept from the beginning, and not just throw together at the end.

"Hey!" Count: Episode - 7, Season Total - 165

Posted by at 12:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Bad news everyone. Last night's episode of The Apprentice was so great, it'll be hard to top it the rest of the season. We may come close, but honestly, this was as good as it gets. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, we had all the elements working for us. We had the signature Chris meltdown, we had Tana's Mary-Kay-cum-Ebonics performance, we had George and Carolyn at their berate-iest best, and we even had the surprise ouster of one of the frontrunners to win the whole shebang. Oh, and Lil Jon too!

Okay, if you just did a Dave Chappelle "whAAAT? okAAAY!", you really should stop. No disrespect, but, well, it's only funny when he does it.

The episode began with Tana and Chris debating as to who would return from the board room. Common sense dictated that Audrey would be leaving, but Chris was a bit nervous that his best bud John might get the axe. "John's my boy," lamented Chris, desperately trying to contain his rage. Thankfully, Tana was kind enough to poke at him with the stick of anxiety by asking "If Mr. Trump says 'John, you're fired,' what would you do?" Chris immediately jumped on Tana, grabbed her collar, and yelled "I SAID JOHN IS MY BOY! DON'T FIGHT ME ON THIS BITCH. I WILL CRUSH YOU. I WILL CRUSH YOU!"

Luckily, all the worrying was for naught as John, Angie, and Craig returned safe and sound to the loft. "Craiggers!" squealed Tana, happy to see her teammate (and to execute his freshly minted nickname). As everyone reveled in the sigh of relief that is the post-boardroom evening, Chris commented that John was like his big brother. "And I am his little brother. His little, angry brother who has no control over the sound of his VOICE!!!!"

The next morning, Angie got the phone —  again — and received instructions from Rhona for teams to not only meet Trump in the boardroom, but to choose Project Managers ahead of time. Oh, and it better be someone who hasn't been a PM before. Man, Rhona's really needy today. What else do you want? A bouquet? A jar of olive tapenade?

They know about the dead body...

I'll just poison them.

Anyway, Magna chose the quietly capable Kendra to be Project Manager while Net Worth elected Chris. Oh yes. This was gonna be good. In some form or another, we just knew Chris would be in the hot seat. Unfortunately, we later discovered that the task wasn't quite a high pressure challenge, but I've already gotten ahead of myself. The teams arrived in the boardroom where Trump announced that there would be a corporate reshuffling. Kendra sent Erin and Stephanie over to Net Worth while Chris exported Tana and Craig. The trade worked out well, according to Tana, because Erin and Stephanie were the two most obnoxious girls in the suite. Or so she heard. Ouch. Tana with the out-of-left-field dis. Looks like someone went from Mary Kay to Mary Cu— never mind.

Trump informed the teams that they would be producing a live, eleven-minute celebrity auction on Fuse to raise money for the Elizabeth Glazer Pediatric AIDs Foundation. Ah yes, the traditional celebrity cameo episode. At least this time around, teams would be dealing with musicians instead of recycled NBC stars (Carson Daly, Rocco DiSpirito anyone?). Net Worth was given the Barenaked Ladies, Gene Simmons, New Found Glory, Simple Plan, and Fat Joe to work with. Yawn. Magna had Lil' Kim, Lil' Jon, Lil' Moby, Eve, and Jadakiss. Not a bad lineup. Honestly, the odds were against Net Worth. I mean Barenaked Ladies? When was the last time they played a concert that wasn't for middle schoolers?

Anyway, Net Worth came up with a quick strategy. The girls would go with John to meet the artists — or "legends" as Chris called them. Yes, A Simple Plan is a legend in the lame, bubble gum poprock genre. To think, without them, we'd have no Ryan Cabrera, and that would be a darned shame. Anyway, Chris and John's entire plan predicated on the ladies softening up the artists with their looks and giggles while John would negotiate some sort of celebrity service. And by "negotiate", John meant he would wear a wallet chain. You know, to make him seem less like a corporate suit and more like a corporate poseur. Anyway, the chauvinism came on pretty thick as John commanded the ladies to be giggly and dumb. Charming. Thankfully, Erin and Stephanie asserted themselves as independent women by... giggling and being dumb? Oh man. Carolyn's gonna hate this.

John's piggishness continued as he later said "Stephanie is a fluffer." By that analogy, we'll assume John is the double ended dildo. I guess with John it's not that he doesn't have much respect for the women, it's more that he doesn't have any respect for them at all. Yeah, I understand the value of playing up whatever preconceived notions someone has about you to gain leverage, but seriously, this was pretty obnoxious. Sadly for John, after all of Stephanie and Erin's "fluffing", he followed through with a, ahem, limp performance. Nearly every idea he had was "You'll go to a kid's house and play a set there." Cut to the Barenaked Ladies sheepishly interjecting "Um, we actually tour kid's houses already. Can we just bid on hanging out with Fat Joe?"

Speaking of Fat Joe, I was particularly impressed with Stephanie's choice of headwear upon meeting the hefty MC. Taking a page from Kristin earlier this season, Stephanie brandished a big, floppy hat that did little to boost her street cred. Honestly, I was surprised she didn't say "Ah, you must be Obese Joseph! I love your song, 'Casually Adjust Backwards.'"

Things at Magna, meanwhile, were running smoothly and hilariously. I knew we would be in for good times when the prim and serious Kendra said, "We actually have our first appointment I believe at 1:30 with Lil' Jon." I love the matter of fact way Lil' Jon just entered her sentence. What train wreck would befall us?

Somewhere in the mix of all this, Trump informed us to "Go Big or Go Home," and as Lil' Jon provided a chipper remix of the standard Apprentice music, I realized we were about to witness something big —  and we were not going home. "Yo, we're going to the hit factory!" exclaimed a freshly gangsta Tana as she, Kendra, and Craig walked into Lil' Jon's lobby. Soon, the ubiquitous rapper/odd-noise-maker greeted the team with a cheery "How y'all doin!" and the Tana Show began. For those of you wondering, the answer is yes, the Tana Show is the Greatest Show on Earth.

Please reunite these two.

Lil' Jon and Tana got along swimmingly as she admired his jewelry and crunk apparel. I could already sense the VH1 execs pitching "Strange Love 2." And for the record, I would totally watch a show about Tana and Lil' Jon. Anyway, the negotiations became hot and heavy, resulting in Tana enthusiastically blurting out, "Now we be talkin'!" Ah. Mazing. Later, as she gazed upon his bejeweled goblet, Tana asked "Do you know how many kids would want to hold your cup?" YEAHHH. Dammit, I couldn't resist the Lil' Jon joke that I had so ruthlessly disparaged. Feel free to deduct one point from my comedy cred. Seriously though, props to Tana for providing the best pun of the night.

Carolyn laughs at Tana's new hood-rat sensibilities.

Seeing that the negotiations were in the capable hands of T-Dogg and Craig, Kendra wisely returned to the Fuse studios to put together her webcast. She really wasn't sure what she wanted to do but did lay down one ground rule: no cucumber. Bren then called his truck full of phallic vegetables and sent it back to D'Agostinos.

Tana meanwhile was quickly becoming BFF with half the hip hop community. Eve looked about ready to invite Tana into the Ruff Riders, especially after Tana screamed "STOP! DROP! SHUT EM DOWN! OPEN UP SHOP!" Incidentally, when Eve asked Tana how she knew those lyrics, she just gave her a puzzled expression and said "Those are lyrics? I was just telling how I conquered the Mary Kay empire. STOP! DROP!" Tana later charmed Jadakiss —  aka the other guy on this episode 50 Cent wants to shoot. By this point, T-Dogg had become so in touch with her hood roots that when Jadakiss balked at an idea, all she had to say was "Sheeeit. Cut me some slack, Jack! Chump don' want no help, chump don't GET da' help!"

Eventually Craig and Tana encountered Lil' Kim who appeared to be all smiles and giggles, but that may have been the Joker-esque facial surgery talking. "Someone would love going on tour with you," said Tana. Oooh! Does that include front row seats to her perjury trial? You know, the one about the shooting in her entourage? Hey, maaaaaaybe people will pay to get shot too! In the words of Tana, "Someone would really diggity that."

Soon it was time for Magna's live broadcast. I don't really remember how it happened, but a general discussion about MILFs broke out. Tana then dropped her 13,00th notable quotable of the day by proclaiming, "I'm a MILF in Iowa!" Hey Middle-America - that was for you! Wave at the camera!

Like one of those punching dolls that springs right back to life, Tana imparted quote 13,001 about two seconds later when she explained that a MILF is "A mother I'd love to fool around with." Um, actually, that's a MILFAW, but you know, at least Tana has some humor about everything. And thankfully, she really can't do anything THAT much more embarrassing, right?

Oh, so very wrong.

Tana and Craig went live on Fuse, and immediately shock rolled over the nation as Tana welcomed us into her hood. "All you playas in the hizzy, check it. I was up in Lil' Jon's crib for only twenty minutes, and it was tight. He keeps it crunk. I got crunkified and you could get crunky with him for an entire day. That would be straight up boo-yah!"

Wow. That was amazing. Simply amazing. You know, one of my trademark writing styles is that I like to toy with the truth, add goofy lines of dialogue and such. I don't even have to. Nothing I could write could ever be as fantastic as that. I mean "I got crunkified and you could get crunky with him for an entire day"? That's pure genius. Here's the thing. Had almost anyone on this cast said that, it would have been funny, but Tana? TANA? This is a Mary Kay woman we're talking about here. All I have to say is "Encore. Encore." Standing ovation in the TVgasm offices.

Next up was Net Worth. Erin took the reigns as a co-VJ while Chris sat in the background and acted cool. Just to show he was a rocker amongst men, Chris donned some trendy shades and a dark, fitting t-shirt that just barely revealed his oh-so-original tribal tattoo. Honestly, he looked like a roadie for Foreigner. Whatever's clever though. Rock on, man!

YOU MUST BID OR ELSE I WILL KILL YOU!

To her credit, Erin was great on the broadcast. Even Trump had to comment on it. She could really have a career as a cable hostess. Just please... lose the hair. Anyway, when The Donald had had enough of these shenanigans, he commanded Rhona to get the limo: HE'S GOING TO FUSE. With great fanfare, Trump soon arrived at the station, and curiously, his driver opted to parallel park a good three feet from the curb. I guess they needed room to unfurl the red carpet. And don't forget the rose petals. NEVER forget Trump's rose petals.

Anyway, the final results of the Fuse auction were $11,325 for Net Worth and $21,654 for Magna. Wowsas. Apparently the Moby and Lil' Kim offerings garnered over $19,000 for the team alone. Well, that was an ass whooping. I'm sure Kendra will now receive a lovely reward. "Kendra, your reward is not going to be a reward," said Trump, noting that raising money for charity is reward enough. Kendra had a waxy smile on her face that seemed to say "Yes, it is. But seriously Mr. Trump. Where's my reward?"

Back at the loft, Chris and John strategized for the board room. Angie observed quietly, noting that she feared Chris might throw himself under the bus to save John. Man. Chris LOVES John.

Later, the team shuffled into the boardroom where Trump asked what happened. "Luck of the draw," insisted John in a delightfully misguided defense. Carolyn quickly reprimanded him, saying that chance wasn't the main factor. Momma no likey the lucky charms! George meanwhile was quite irritated that Chris had delegated the negotiations off to someone else. "Why didn't you negotiate?" he asked many times. Chris had a pat answer to his critics: "You can't give these prices away if you don't have a successful show and a successful segment." He then pulled at his hair and yelled "MUST HAVE A GREAT SHOW!" Robyn then rushed in and tasered Chris into submission.

George then went on a long, well-articulated lecture about the art of negotiating. Trump asked him if he was a fan of Fat Joe, but our favorite grandpa simply laughed and said "Simon & Garfunkel!" Yeah, that's the stuff! You know George had his hair in a puffy Garfunkel 'fro in the ’70s.

Eventually, Chris picked John and Erin to return to the boardroom with him, and then the real fireworks began. After chastening John for his poor negotiation skills, Trump, George, and Carolyn lit into Chris for his delegation choices. Why didn't he oversee the most important element of the task? Chris finally responded to George's hardball cross examination by yelling, "SIR, I'M THE BEST NEGOTIATOR AT THIS TABLE AND THAT IS A FACT!" (And yes, he was speaking in caps). With that being said, Carolyn then asked the next logical question: so why didn't you do the damn negotiating? Uh... um... because he wanted to taste the new Ben & Jerry's flavors?

Suddenly Carolyn and Chris went at it, and while I don't remember the specifics of their beef, I do know that Chris said "Carolyn" many times and I'm pretty sure at one point he was about one syllable away from an aneurysm. Man, this was awesome. Still, Chris couldn't get away from the delegation problem, and when George cornered him on it again and asked why he didn't negotiate, Chris shouted "I JUST TOLD YOU WHY!!!" Oh damn. Looks like someone got a little too crunkified. George immediately shot the rage-aholic down, doing a little Travis Bickle by way of Wall Street: are you raising your voice to me? Are you raising your voice to me?

In the middle of all this, Erin started babbling about something, but Trump did his little mercy warning, saying basically if she talks any longer, she might get fired. Suddenly her mouth clamped so tight I thought she may have had lockjaw. Chris meanwhile calmed down, and it became pretty apparent that although he had erred, the real liability was John. Even though he was a frontrunner to take home the big prize, Trump handed John the pink slip and sent him on his way to a new corporate life full of fluffers and wallet chains.

As the episode ended, Erin and Chris returned to the loft, and just before we cut away to commercial, we saw Erin bouncing into the suite, presumably into the bling-covered arms of Tana. John, meanwhile, was dumbfounded at his expulsion, and as he gave his parting words in the cab, he dismissed Trump's actions, saying the boss man decided to fire him "for some reason." Well John, at least you've proven that you can run a fast food joint really well.

I DO NOT HAVE AN ANGER PROBLEM!

What do you think? Should Trump have fired John?

Posted by at 5:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (28)

Many of you may not realize it, but South Park has just started its ninth season. NINTH! If you would have told me, as a fresh-faced high school junior in 1997, that I would be writing about South Park nine years later as a wrinkled, pasty, meth-addicted cubicle-whore, I never would have believed you. But here I am! Time flies when you're losing your teeth, doesn't it?

I made sure to catch the premiere of South Park's ninth season this Wednesday, in an episode entitled "Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina." In it, Mr. Garrison gets a vagina, Kyle gets a "negroplasty" in order to be on his school's basketball team, and his father fulfills his lifelong dream of being a dolphin by being turned into a strange human/porpoise hybrid -- oh, and exploding testicle knees. The episode was everything you've come to expect: offensive, gruesome, cringe-inducing and riotously funny.

It's good to see that South Park is still keeping the show fresh, topical and hilarious, unlike another cartoon franchise that rhymes with "Tha Sympsons" on Fox. Where South Park still has sharp story lines and clever cultural commentary, The Simpsons has turned into a veritable "Saved By the Bell: The College Years", tossing aside any sort of "plot" for a series of pretty lame sight gags and prat falls. Get those Harvard alums some Adderol stat -- The Simpsons either needs a major revamp or needs to be cancelled. There, I've said it. Cancel The Simpsons.

Point being: Watch South Park. It delivers the goods.

Posted by at 8:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

There were so many truly wonderful elements to last night's Apprentice, I just don't know where to begin. We had a surly George, an angry Carolyn, a ball-busting Trump, a rage-filled Chris, a speaking Kendra, and even a funny Erin. But most of all, we had Tana talking street to Lil Jon. Honestly, it was reality bliss.

Unfortunately, it's 2:24 AM in Los Angeles, and I committed the cardinal sin of hitting the bars on a Thursday night instead of nestling up to my Tivo. So basically, happy Friday morning. Have some patience, and hopefully I'll have a nice ole Apprentice recap up by the afternoon (early evening for all you East Coasters). Until then, just replay all those wonderful scenes in your head.

UPDATE: Survivor was awesome too. So much writing...

UPDATE II J-Unit adds: The OC featured a Star Wars Trailer and new Victoria Secret bra technology. Coincidence? I think not.

Posted by at 2:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Well, the long, boring road known as The Real World: Philadelphia finally came to an end this week, and just in time. I had become very fearful last week that we'd have to endure a double dose of Landon and Shavonda now that the Inferno II has hit the airwaves. So imagine my delight Monday night when during the season premiere of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge I stumbled upon a quiet little promo advertising the glorious end of RW 15? Ah, sweet reality euthanasia.

Tuesday night's season finale began surprisingly in the Philly hotspot, Shampoo. Whaaa?? No visits to Pure for the season finale? Why, I feel positively betrayed. Nevertheless, Willie had dragged most of the cast to the gay bar because, well, not really sure. But it was a group event and everyone seemed chipper; that is, of course, until Miss Britney Lynn descended upon the crowd. No, she wasn't a two bit porn star. Miss Britney Lynn was a flamboyant drag queen whose robust stature was just one Weather Girl away from needing a cattle harness to help her out of bed.

Upon spying this crazy phenomenon of a man who dresses up like a woman (in a gay bar? Well I NEVER!), MJ seemed so slackjawed, I feared his precious chewing tobaccy might tumble out his mouth. "I'm straight! I'm straight! I'm strai