Big Brother turned 180 degrees again last night as the power in the household shifted back to Maggie & Co. amongst a flurry of giggles, hugs, and spazzy "Omigods!" Yes, just when King Kaysar had it all figured out, the ole Karma Boomerang clunked him in the head and sent him scrambling for cover all over again. Such is the way of Big Brother. One week you're on top, and then the next, you're toast, as Kaysar might say. Surely this tug-o-war will end bitterly, and TVgasm will be there to document it meticulously.

After a dizzying two weeks of action-packed drama, the show finally came back down to the stratosphere last night as we followed the humdrum activities of the household while it braced for some of the most predictable nominations yet. Before we even got to that, however, we needed to hear the cast's reaction to Eric "Cappy" Littman's eviction. "I love that man!" yelled Ivette into the camera, adding, "The only thing I love more than Cappy is YELLING. BECAUSE I LOVE TO YELL!!!!" Honestly, she must have broken two or three microphones during her interview. This might also explain why at 11:45 AM on Thursday morning, I heard, out my window, a Latina screaming "I love that man!" By the way, have we actually figured out why Ivette loves Eric so much? Is it because of his sob story about going into the burning building with his partner? Or is it because his cue ball head and pouty nature remind Ivette of a newborn baby and/or an M&M? I guess we'll just have to wait for her memoirs, which I'm hoping she'll title, "I AM AN IDIOT!"

Janelle's reaction to Eric's departure was much more enjoyable: "I just kind of sat back and watched his little friends hug him goodbye." Well, I wouldn't call them "little." After all, they do tower over Cappy by about a foot or three. I wonder if Eric has black-and-white nightmare flashbacks to traumatic childhood games of Monkey In The Middle. Eh, he's probably more tormented by the notion of someday having to wear less than four different Las Vegas Fire Department garments at once.

Anyway, as people continued to comment about Eric's eviction, we saw footage of him leaving the house. And then the camera zoomed in on Jennifer. Aaaaaand she was silent yet again. Phew! I thought she might, you know, say something.

With Cappy finally gone, it was now time to relive the travesty that was the Head of Household competition. We watched yet again as Maggie singlehandedly killed the momentum of the past week and ascended to the HOH throne. She was then hugged/attacked by all the people who had actually just voted against her. Yes, her alleged alliance rallied to her side, and it somewhat shocked me that none of Kaysar's group even thought to exploit the fact that these four people (Ivette, Beau, April, and Jennifer) had been the only ones to explicitly move to oust Maggie. Had I been in the household, I surely would have not only pointed this out, but told Maggie that if she didn't nominate one of her crew, then she'd be put on the chopping block as soon someone from my alliance was in power. You know, tighten the reins a bit. Make her sweat under Cappy's hat.

Anyway, back to the HOH competition. As Maggie celebrated her victory over Sarah (whom her boyfriend James described as "somewhat intelligent" -- aww, such a sweetheart), Kaysar noted that "it was a sobering moment." Unlike those other moments when Kaysar has been so giddy and full of excitement. Maggie, meanwhile, looked up to the heavens and said, "Thank you Eric." Uh, he didn't die. He's not up in the sky. Unless...is Eric a ghost? SUMMER OF SECRETS!!!

Hmmm...with Eric being a ghost and Julie Chen being a robot, I'm starting to think this might just be one elaborate episode of Scooby Doo. Or anime. Yeah, probably anime (on account of Julie Chen's Asian-ness and such).

Anyway, with Maggie taking over the house, Ivette and her oddly un-tanned calf (did anyone else notice that?) proudly boasted, "I am the cherry on top of the sundae!" Yes, the nasty, annoying sundae. What the hell was she talking about anyway? Moments later, she noted that payback is a bitch, but again, cherries? Sundaes? Listen, people: I know you like your metaphors as much as the next person, but you can't just throw them around willy nilly. They need to make sense. But I guess we can give Ivette a free pass, what with her being a moron and such.

Sarah's reaction to Maggie's victory was a bit more resilient and, well, naive (it is Sarah, after all): "We're not gonna rally against each other." This comes from Sarah, who will soon be stabbed in the back so many times, we'll think she was on the Orient Express (A little Agatha Christie humor. Anyone? Anyone?).

Later, after the competition had ended, Maggie and Ivette shared a hug in the empty food pantry / airlock. "Maggie and I are playing for Cappy," declared Ivette. Oh REALLY??? I never would have guessed! Hey, let us know just one more time how much you love Eric. By the way, did he ever tell you his initial plan to vote you out? No? Oh, never mind then.

After Maggie and Ivette babbled a bit more about Eric and how wonderful he was, we finally had that most hallowed of weekly ceremonies: the unveiling of the new HOH room. Oooooh. The group gathered 'round Maggie as she unlocked the door, and with the usual punk rock playing on the soundtrack (Head of Household room!!! ROCK ON!!!!!), Jennifer began screaming before she had even entered the room. Apparently she thought Jon Bon Jovi would be inside waiting for her. Anyway, like a bunch of toddlers crying at nothing at all, the girls followed Jennifer's lead and began screaming their guts out. OMG! The HOH ROOM! It looks... EXACTLY THE SAME!!!! But now there are new COOKIES!!! And Oh. My. God. Maggie got a new pillow!!!!! The squishy kind too! Best afternoon evah!

James pretty much echoed my sentiments: "The Head of Household bedroom was wonderful. It was one of the most amazing moments of my life. No, it was pathetic. I'm watching all these putrid little rats go around and try to kiss Maggie's ass some more. Let her listen to, you know, her music and smoke banana peels and do whatever the hell she does in there. Just...stuff makes me sick." And because we can never get enough bitterness, Janelle followed up with her own contempt: "Her stuff doesn't really interest me. She collects turtles, and I saw a turtle. Oooh, that's exciting." Wow, I really didn't think Maggie could be any more plain, but collecting turtles? She might as well profess to love rice cakes and vanilla wafers.

Anyway, once she was properly installed in her new lair, Maggie began her pseudo-Kaysar attempts to strategize. First she called in Rachel and told her that she believed she was a good person (perhaps Rachel had saved a turtle once?). Then Maggie brought in Howie and grilled him, asking him whether or not it was his idea to initially put her and James on the chopping block last week. Howie hemmed and hawed his way through some stammering responses, and eventually he and Rachel agreed not to put Maggie up if one of them were to be Head of Household next week. Odds of Howie and Rachel throwing the HOH competition? 3-2.

Downstairs, James feebly attempted to get back in with Ivette and Beau, but their three collective brain cells were enough to make them resist. Apparently, they simply could not understand the logic that James had to turn on the group or else they would have all voted him out. So basically, Ivette and Beau were mad at James that he had the nerve to save himself. At this point, Maggie joined the conversation and asked, "I just wonder if you know that you're pulling away from a group that would have stayed true to you as long as they could." It should be noted, however, that "as long as they could" meant "until last week."

Seeing that direct logic had no effect on his mentally challenged adversaries, James then tried a more sentimental tactic by apologizing to Maggie in her HOH room. It was a fairly pathetic and transparent display, and since Maggie (the brightest of her alliance) saw right through it, the entire attempt pretty much failed entirely. Switching gears yet again, James then sold Sarah up the river, saying that if she was put up on the block, he wouldn't use the veto to save her. Yes, I'm sure Maggie really appreciates that sort of loyalty. When that didn't work, the two simply wound up talking about secrets and whatnot, with James saying that he couldn't read Maggie very well. She gave some ambiguous and blatantly misleading responses, and somehow, James became convinced that Maggie was actually a cop. After all, she had the HOH room set up like an interrogation room, he claimed. Well, I'm pretty sure it's the only interrogation room in the country featuring turtle figurines and a squishy pillow. Anyway, the meeting came to an end with James triumphantly telling us, "Maggie is a cop!" Great. And that will impact the game how?

By the way, James also mentioned several times that he and Maggie were both cops. Uh, I believe your title is "Loss Prevention Manager" -- a.k.a. security guard. Let's not get too carried away, Sonny Crocket.

And now it's time for a little comedy, courtesy of house buffoon, Howie. Apparently, our resident weatherman-to-be loves him some boobies. How do I know? Because he apparently parades through the house saying, "I love boobies." If he's lucky enough, he might have some of his own. Seriously, How-dog has been packin' on the PB&J pounds lately. Must be stealing all of April's weight -- she has dropped from 108 lbs to 102, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW. (Hey, the Crypt Keeper has to maintain a healthy, skeletal physique). Anyway, during this oh-so-wacky montage, we saw Howie saying all sorts of boobie things, like "It's a waste of your big boobies to not have somebody take care of them for you." But seriously, Michael was the real sexual aggressor. Thanks Eric.

After this comic bit was over, we then saw Kaysar and his group scheming in the corner. They have yet to give themselves some stupid nickname, so for the time being, I guess I'll call them the Super Six or maybe Team Bitter. Or maybe I just won't call them anything at all. Nevertheless, King Kaysar seethed, "I have pride in this group!" He LOVES his alliance! Alas, it seems as though the Sextet of Splendor (No? Too wordy?) will be tumbling down this week. Kaysar noted that Maggie was going to use his own strategy against him. Now he must outsmart himself. Would somebody tell Jerry Bruckheimer to stop feeding Kaysar lines?

When we came back from commercial, we learned that Ivette is an allegedly creative person. This was personified by her creating a hummingbird feeder out of some spare items around the house. She later noted, "I LOVE THE HUMMINGBIRD! He has my heart and soul. I'm playing for the hummingbird now!!"

We then saw all the creative things Ivette has come up with: rug checkers, the coaster game, the "ghetto slide," "ghetto french toast," "ghetto bread pudding," and even "ghetto ice cream" which looked to be the unsavory union of ice shavings, cinnamon, and peanut butter. "That tastes like the ice cream my grandmother used to make," said April, whose grandmother apparently made TERRIBLE ice cream. April then noted, "Back in my day, we didn't have 'freezers' or 'ice boxes.' We had snow, and if it didn't last until summer, then you didn't get ice cream. We'd have to eat dirt off a twig instead AND WE LIKED IT!"

Apparently Ivette hasn't concocted any "ghetto Slim-Fast."

Well, all this talk about ice cream appropriately segued into the evening's challenge, "Matching Munchies '05." Basically, it was a Match Game rip-off, and in honor of the classic Gene Reyburn show, four of the panelists were outfitted in campy 1970s wigs and costumes. "April was horrible!" declared Jennifer. We then saw a shot of April, who looked exactly the same as usual.

April's "horrible" costume. Also known as "What she looks like every day."

But anyway, the rules of the game were fairly simple. Hostess Maggie would read a sentence out loud, and then one person would have to fill in the blank with what they thought was the appropriate word. A panel of four (Sarah, Kaysar, April, and Howie) would then write down their answers, and if more than two people matched the contestant, the household would win groceries for a day. No word on whether or not the panelists were allowed to confer, but J-Unit became quite heated as he surmised that the panelists were not only discussing their answers, but strategically deciding who would write what. You can read his scathing analysis here. But if you're like me and don't really care that much about GroceryGate 2005 (it was, after all, just a food competition), we can move on.

Anyway, the first few people successfully procured food for the house without incident. But then it was time for Janelle. Hostess Maggie innocently asked, "You know you're flying first class when the stewardess offers you a chocolate covered ______."

"Well, since I often fly first class, I'm gonna say...strawberry!" replied Janelle with a sly smile on her face. This immediately brought the wrath of Beau who flamed out in an interview and scoffed, "I'm like whatever!" Hey Beau, it's called "tongue in cheek." LOOK INTO IT. Of course, I shouldn't be surprised that the idiots of the house would blatantly misinterpret Janelle's humor. They are, after all, idiots.

Soon it was Ivette's turn. "Donna said, 'My husband the pastry chef is getting a bit nearsighted. Last night, he went outside and tried to ____ the dog," said Maggie. Faced with this perplexing dilemma, Ivette simply clenched her eyes and yelled, "Where's CAPPY???" Apparently, Eric is the expert when it comes to _______ing the dog, whatever ______ing may be (my vote: humping).

Unsurprisingly, the houseguests won food for the entire week, even with dim-bulbs like Ivette playing the game (again, see J-Unit's GroceryGate conspiracy). As a bonus, the roommates were also given the last two numbers for the safe in the gold room. Oooh. Ahhh. What would be inside? Bars of gold? Diamonds? A GUN?? Well, not exactly. After several attempts by everyone in the house, Kaysar finally unlocked the safe and pulled out...a plate of PB&J sandwiches. Oh. Swell. Big Brother sure knows how to knock those twists out of the park!

Ah, but perhaps I spoke too soon. Turns out inside one of those PB&J sandwiches was the "PB&J Pass" which would exempt one person from PB&J for the rest of the season. Even better, that person could choose to lend their PB&J Pass to someone for a week. Ooh, could be quite the bargaining chip, especially when it comes to April, who at press time is a frail 79 lbs. Well, everyone took a sandwich, sat around the table, and before we even knew what was going on, Janelle shrieked in victory. Amazingly, we did not cut to Beau in the Diary Room complaining, "Ugh! She was like 'Yay, I won!' Bitch."

Actually, Beau had more pressing things on his mind -- like the amorous intentions of Howie. That's right. The man who loves boobies apparently loves fake kissing Beau too. We watched about two minutes worth of Howie slowly cornering Beau and getting ever closer to the personal shopper's lips. The scene was surprisingly funny, but (bi) curiously enough, we never saw the two lock lips (various screencaps of the live feeds show the two swapping spit). Nevertheless, Howie claimed he was comfortable with his sexuality and as a result attracted people of all different "ethniticities." None of whom, unfortunately, come bearing dictionaries.

When "ethniticities" unite...

As nominations neared, Sarah attempted some nice-girl scheming, which of course completely failed. She cozied up to the HOH and her clan and spilled the beans about everyone, but as Maggie wisely noted later, all of Sarah's babbling put James in a good light. Ah ha! CAUGHT! No clay turtles for you at Christmas, SARAH!

Anyway, CBS tried some quick misdirection by suggesting that Maggie might put up Sarah and James, but we all knew it was Kaysar's time to return to the hot seat. At the nomination ceremony, it was business as usual. April pulled out her key first, followed by Ivette, Jennifer, Beau, Rachel, Howie, Sarah, and then Janelle. Not that Maggie's revealing her gameplan or anything...

Unsurprisingly, Kaysar and James wound up nominated, causing the former HOH to remark, "I think you should look forward to the most competitive -- not just veto competition -- but competition in Big Brother history." He then added, "And be sure to watch it all here at CBS. Home of The Ghost Whisperer starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. Fridays this fall. Welcome home."

And because we forgot to post this image earlier this week:

What do you think will happen? Do these guys have any way to save their hides?

Posted by at 5:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (39)

Don't worry, all of you rabid Big Brother fans, B-side is hard at work pumping out his recap of last night's episode. However, I wanted to first take a little stab at something that bothered me during last night's episode. The results of the food competition were about as much in doubt as a UNLV basketball game in 1990. In other words, the fix was in. Now perhaps it doesn't bother anybody else and I was just getting worked up over nothing - people have accused me of being very petty at times. However, since I have a platform to have my opinion heard and I can't seem to sleep past 9AM on the weekends these days, I thought I would pontificate a little bit.

More after the jump. WARNING - mild spoilers from last night's episode (ie, the results of food competition).

In last night's food competition, the houseguests played a sort of take on the Match Game from the 70s. Kaysar, Howie, Sarah, and James were the "contestants." The girls had blonde wigs and the guys had afro wigs. The remaining players all had a nice cheap stage and were the "panelists." A good time was being had by all. The HOH for the week, Maggie, would read a fill-in-the-blank statement where the blank would be the name of a food. One panelist houseguest would take a stab at answering the fill-in-the-blank question, while the contestants would write their answers on a piece of paper. If at least two of the contestants had the same answer as the panelist, everybody would win food for one day.

In theory, this had the makings of a fun game. Everybody got to dress up and whatnot, and while it might be difficult to win food for seven days, at least there would be more than PB&J for some of the days. This was my hope, but it quickly became apparent that it was no game at all. It was like those "competitions" you had in kindergarten where everybody was got to be a winner. What do I mean? The first question had a sentence where the food was "string _____ ." Sarah and Kaysar, the first two houseguests, picked cheese, which was no big deal. When all of the answers were revealed, I noticed that while Sarah and Kaysar wrote cheese, April and Howie wrote beans. Not out of the ordinary at all, and I took it as just a coincidence that their answers matched. But then a funny thing happened, a similar pattern repeated itself every single time.

As their little mad lib progressed, every time we went to the panelists for answers, two would have one answer and two would have a different answer. Never once did three panelists have the same answer or did the panelists have three or more unique answers among them. There were seven questions, and the odds of neither one of those happening without any influence on the contestants from one another or an outside person, are fairly remote. No, not completely out of realm of probability, but enough of an anomaly that people should be asking questions. We never saw the contestants writing down their answers, so we don't know if they were conferring with themselves, or even if they wrote their answers down before the panelists gave them (somebody who has the live feeds please tell me the latter is not the case). The result - seven days of food for the houseguests, plus another revelation for the SUMMER OF SECRETS.

Honestly, I am quite torn, because it was just a food competition and has nothing to do with the outcome of who wins the money, but you know what? I like it when the houseguests have to eat a lot of PB&J, and I think a lot of other people watching the show enjoy watching people inside the house suffer. More importantly, if the producers influenced this show either by manipulation of the game or by not taking enough measures to ensure the people playing the game weren't cheating, I think we have a right to call into question the outcomes of many more competitions this summer. Message to CBS and Big Brother - your viewers are not idiots and you run the risk of turning your Summer of Secrets into a staged joke. If you can't come up with enough material for an hour on Saturday, then just give us 30 minutes - or simply a 1 minute update, Jolanda Vega style, on who was nominated.

Now, if people really don't care about this, I won't make too much of a fuss, but my conspiracy tendencies, already running high for most reality shows, have been prodded back to life a little bit, and I will be watching a little more closely for the rest of the season. I invite all of my fellow conspiracy theorists to e-mail me should they have a theory as well.

Posted by at 10:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (23)

Man, TV doesn't get more gripping than this. On this week's edition of The Real World: Austin, young lovers Danny and Melinda had to deal with the unthinkable: going out to bars...SEPARATELY! Yes, that's right! From the show that brought you unflinching portrayals of abortion, rape, AIDS, suicide, homophobia, racism, classism, cutting, and eating disorders comes the next great American social issue: can two attractive people stay faithful to each other during a three hour separation? I just don't know the answer to that. I guess we'll have to watch!

The show began with everyone heading off to The Dizzy Rooster (which is not to be confused with The Poorly Balanced Cock). It was business as usual for the kiddos: girls dancing like sluts, Wes thinking he's awesome, and Lacey recoiling from a potent libation. At home though, Danny showered somberly with that forever-drowsy look on his face. He lamented not being able to "pahty" (or pronounce r's), but luckily for him, his Wisconsin hottie of a NotGirlfriend was en route. Yes, Melinda left The Dizzy Rooster early so that she could get some quality time with her man, and before we knew it, the horny girl was already in the shower too. "It's like puppy love!" she told us in an interview. Yes, puppy love. Except with very slutty puppies.

Everyone gets action in Austin!

Unfortunately for the puppies, no sooner had they began porking in the shower than the whole gang returned too, totally ruining the moment. Wes, in a move that served as the very definition of cockblock, went so far as to climb into the shower with Danny and Mel. "Why are you in the shower?" asked an annoyed Danny. Wes then replied, "Hey, there's nothing wrong with a straight guy getting in a shower with another straight guy. Oh, you got a soap sud on your wiener. I'll just wipe that off. Ow! Why'd you hit me?"

Actually, Wes didn't say that (although, I'm sure he fantasized about the wiener thing). Later, Danny and Melinda sat in bed (as usual) and discussed some pressing matters: mainly, what happens if Danny goes out, gets drunk, and then sees another girl who he wants to make out with. "Why don't we cross that problem if we come to it," answered a metaphor-skewering Danny. Okay, I'm not going to be a bastard and correct each and every little misspoken word. I'm sure I have better things to do...like play BRIDGE. Or get a dental BRIDGE. Or maybe I'll just take a drive over a BRIDGE, you know, WHEN I come to one.

Anyway, the two lovebirds continued their Very Serious Discussion, but when Melinda proved to be too needy, Danny excused himself to get more ice. "Are you gonna come baaayack?" asked Mel. Danny merely shrugged in response. Uh oh. Time for an extra dose of Wisconsin love! "Don't be mayad ayat me!" Melinda insisted, adding, "Go Payackers!"

As stimulating as this discourse was, the show took a much welcomed break to visit the University of Texas campus. For those of you who may have forgotten, the roommates have been allegedly working on a documentary, and now it was time to check in with their advisor, Paul Steckler, or 'Steck,' as we've been advised to call him. Lacey told us something about how excited she was to work on the film, and Wes mumbled about how using the camera is fun, and blah blah blah, the next thing we knew, we were watching a little dog twirling around in circles. Appropriate imagery, I guess.

With a fresh paycheck in their pockets and some grub in their bellies, it was back to gossip-as-usual as everyone weighed in on the Melinda/Danny non-situation. Lacey and Johanna gabbed about how Danny freaks out whenever anyone calls Melinda his girlfriend (yeah, what would ever give them that idea?), while the guys, meanwhile, took a more analytical approach to the dilemma. I mean, what if Danny passes up Mel -- the sure thing -- for something that may be better or may just leave him with bubkiss? "It's a Catch-22," said Danny. Actually, no, it's not. It's called a -- never mind. I'm trying to be friendlier. Not gonna nitpick. By the way, you know what my favorite company is? Proctor and GAMBLE.

Anyway, with Danny worrying about which course of action to take, master of logic Wes piped up with his official recommendation: "Well, as your friend, then I say dump her and go f*ck as many girls as you can." Ah, spoken like a true poseur. I shouldn't make fun though. Wes has been banging lots of girls. Well, they're not so much "girls" as they are "his hands." But still. His sex life is very active.

Well, luckily for Danny and Melinda, it seemed as though they had yet to "cross their problem" because our battered Boston boy still wanted to stay in. "Danny doesn't want to go out in public because of his eye," Johanna explained. "I think he still feels very ugly." Oh the horror! His eye is very slightly swollen! TURN AWAY!!!

Nevertheless, Danny stayed in, and while Melinda partied it up on the dance floor, he soaked his sorrows away in the hot tub where he downed a Coors Light. Well, actually, five Coors Lights. No, no, we're up to nine now. Yes, nine Coors Lights ALONE. Paging Betty Ford. Your son is on The Real World.

What if Danny threw a party and nobody came? Yeah, it's called Tuesday.

The next day, Danny and Melinda headed to Dr. Shepler's office to get his stitches removed. A few close-ups and cringes later, Danny was ready to face the world, though he still slapped on some sunglasses right there in the office. Yes, hide your scars before the doctor. I'm sure he's never seen anything like them before. Melinda, meanwhile, asked one of the more innuendo-laden questions probably to ever surface in Dr. Shepler's office. "He can start exercising again if he wants to?" she asked, adding, "Can he exercise doggie style? Because I really like that."

Later, the guys prepared for Danny's triumphant return to Austin nightlife by picking out cheerleaders they wanted to hang out with. You see, Wes had met a cheerleader the night before, and perhaps in her solitary desire to be seen on MTV, she told him that she'd bring her gal pals out for a night on the town. All Wes had to do was look at the team photo online and pick who seemed worthy of camera time. Actually, the cheerleader probably just said, "Hey, there's a pic of me and my friends online. We should all hang out," but that doesn't make Wes sound like the alpha-male he so wishes he could be. Anyway, the guys called back with their list of approved cheerleaders, to which the girl responded, "You guys are getting ridiculous." She then added, "Tee-hee! But I'm going to be on TV! Tee-hee!"

While the guys prepared for what would surely be a lame evening (Wes was spearheading it, let's not forget), the women dressed up for a girl's night out. Everyone looked hot or, well, as hot as they could be (cough, Rachel, cough, Lacey) and headed off to a martini bar. Danny instantly regretted not staying in with Melinda, but luckily Wes was there for more asinine advice. The only reason why Melinda wore such a sexy dress, he explained, was to make Danny jealous. "Girls are sneaky bitches," he concluded, adding, "That's why I enjoy the company of men. Tell me, Danny, do you enjoy wrestling? Naked?"

Hey Lacey, how about you ease up on the slutty outfits, mmkay?

Well, while the girls enjoyed a fancy dinner (probably at Cheesecake Factory instead of Applebees), Danny got wasted out at the bars and soon found himself in the clutches of a low-rent, buck-toothed Heidi Fleiss-ish coed. She tried so desperately to make out with him, but the kid stayed strong and wound up shuffling out of the bar with his pants sagging and his words slurring. Back at the house, Melinda doubted that Danny would be loyal and made a bet with Rachel that he was going to come back with another girl. Rachel insisted that if Danny were to do such a thing, she would beat him up (by the way, did she mention that she was in the army? Because she was). Melinda's proposed retaliation, however, was much more interesting: "If he has a girl with him, I'm going back to the bars and f*cking every guy I see." She then added, "Well, I might do that anyway, but whatever."

Danny's new friend and Donkey from Shrek.

Eventually, Danny returned to the domicile and promptly made his way to the bathroom where he spent a good amount of time throwing up. The next morning, we saw him hung over and showering, with heavy eyelids. The roommates snickered in interviews that he was so hung over, but I'm pretty sure Danny looks like that all the time. Anyway, that morning, the group had to hop in cabs and meet with the organizers of South By Southwest (oh yeah, the documentary B-story. Forgot about that!). "If you see me getting ready to talk, like I think I have something intelligent to say, just stop me," Danny said to his roommates. Well, the key word in that sentence is "intelligent" but whatever. We'll cross that problem if we come to it.

As the episode drew to a close, Melinda found herself going nuts over an impending Valentine's Day date with Danny. "I've never really gone on a Valentine's Day date," she admitted. Yeah, it's been more like Valentine's Day sex, I guess. Anyway, her hopes of a Valentine's Day date quickly faded when Danny noted that he had made out with a girl. "That's good," replied Mel. "So about that date tonight? I can't make it I, uh, have to wash my hair." Oh SNAP! Up high, Melinda. Now down low. Back of the hands. Fist bump. That was a solid zing!

But never fear. Danny soon crawled into bed with Melinda (Danny? In bed? Why, I never!) and said that he was just joking about the girl. Oh, uh, okay. That's all right, because apparently Melinda was only kidding too. Aww... Valentine's Day perseveres!

What did you think about this episode?

Posted by at 5:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (43)

With Crazy Psycho Jeff getting cut last episode, I wondered how the show would be this week. I mean, that guy freaked me out and pissed me off, but he was fun to discuss in my recaps. With him gone, who would fill the void left by his departed lunacy? What would add excitement and unpredictability to the show from now on? Surely there'd be something. Lo and behold, my heart rate immediately doubled at the outset: The bottom quarter of my screen was filled with "Flash Flood Warning, Severe Thunderstorm Warning" and an endless crawl describing the terribly exciting result of water falling from the sky in large quantities when a cold front mixes with a warm front. I was mesmerized.

But unfortunately, there was a show going on at the same time that I had to pay attention to as well. Like all reality shows, the footage began at the moment immediately following the latest eviction. Shauna (Native American name: Waddles with Fox Coat) spoke for everyone, including me, regarding Jeff, "Thank god we got rid of that Bozo." Oddly, the conversation then took a turn and everyone lamented that Elizabeth was still around. Since day one, no one has liked Elizabeth, and I've never quite figured out why. Is it her Sally Jesse Rafael glasses? If only their reasoning was so logical.

This week's meeting with HALfiger-9000 took place at the Teterboro airport. This is, like, the 5th time that podunk little airport has been mentioned or featured on this show. HALfiger must get free drinks at the "Captain's Nest" there or something. As we've come to expect by now, HALfiger related his snoozer of a story to the remaining contestants. This week I marveled at the amount of overdubs that were spliced in to make the story more coherent. This made me wonder how truly awful his stories were originally, and what an ordeal it must be for everyone to stand there and pretend to be enthralled. This week, HALfiger explained that branding is an important aspect to any, um, brand name. And "Tommy Hilfiger" was no different - in fact, he even has had his private jet branded, which is apparently very important. So that's what each team would be tasked with this week - painting actual jet airplanes with their own take on the "Tommy Hilfiger" brand. Hmm, that's potentially pretty cool... What's going on here? (Aside from the flash flood I was awaiting, to sweep my house from its foundation.)

With two full days and $700 each, the teams broke down as follows: Team Orange Jumpsuit - Deanna, Shauna (Pirate name: Grey Teeth), Felix, Wes, and Princess. Team Blue Jumpsuit - Chris, Rob Walker, Elizabeth, and Jessica. Chris explained his first pick, "I picked Rob first because he's a painter." Technically he was right. But really, does painting sparkly squiggles on t-shirts and sneakers qualify him as a "painter"? If so, then I guess I'm a "Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist." Hey, that feels pretty good. From now on, please address me as such, thank you. HALfiger explained that each plane (a big, white G3 jet) should be painted in a "big" and "bold" way. "Make it great," he commanded. I guess I can't fault his limited vocabulary. After all, he is pretty advanced for a being half-monkey, half-robot.

"Bzzzzztt," retorted Deanna, "that's a bad idea." Sheesh, that must have really stung. (With those last two sentences, I expect "Two and a Half Men" will be calling soon with an offer to write for them.) Deanna suggested a graffiti motif and the team jumped on it. Felix, as a graphic artist with some graffiti experience, really enjoyed the plan and he came up with the gist of what they would be painting. Over on Team Blue, Jess, Rob, and Chris were still toying around with multiple half-baked ideas with no cohesive theme. In Miami, HALfiger was taking Princess on a shopping spree in his namesake store. Outside my house, the flood had not yet flashed but the severe thunderstorm was raging. Oh my, such excitement!

As Felix did the yeoman's work on the plane, Deanna and Wes rolled around on office chairs. Seeing as though neither has ever had a real job, I guess the novelty of office furniture outweighed their obligation to the task. With Felix slaving away in front of them, Deanna remarked to Wes, "It looks really good from here. And the plane does too!" This cutesy yet weak attempt at humor was greeted with a guffaw from Wes usually reserved for jokes that are actually creative and funny. Felix pretended not to notice and proceeded to kick ass on the painting. Concurrently, Team Blue proceeded to suck ass on their painting. After a couple hours of work, Jess decided that perhaps the red wasn't so sexy after all and they began washing off all their hard labor. Team Orange (essentially Felix) was halfway complete whereas Team Blue was back to square one. It wasn't looking good for the Oranginas. So Chris called up some of his friends and "hired" them for free. Sure, Felix had also requested the services of a professional caricature artist, but a whole team of pros hardly seemed fair. To ease the tension, they openly wondered what Princess was up to at that moment: "What do you think Princess is doing?"

"Reciting erotic poetry. On some guy." OK Wes, now that was funny. No, she wasn't making that same mistake again (or it was edited out), but she was making the rounds at the yacht party. Bragging that she was a personal friend of "Mr. H" and wearing the latest from "H," Princess was still being annoying. Gee, I wonder what fashion insiders and high-placed friends were at the party... P. Diddy? Paris Hilton? The 'Sex in the City' cast? Nope, not even the 'Amish in the City' cast. However, since that show was on UPN, which is owned by Viacom, that wouldn't have been a big stretch. Why? Because as many of you have read recently, apparently Viacom loans out its contracted reality whores to its other reality shows. Big Brother's current "gay guy" Beau was there, chatting it up on a nearby bench as Princess gabbed nearby. The same Beau who was also on Viacom-owned MTV's 'Made' on the same night this week! (Viacom has done this before - two-time Survivor, one-time Amazing Racer, one-time TV groomsman was also the "Playa Operator" on UPN's 'The Player.' I'm not suggesting any conspiracy here, but it is interesting to note that one can more or less make a living at this type of thing. Oh yeah, of course Beau was a useless and boring background prop on 'The Cut' just like he is on Big Brother.

In New York (err, Teterboro), Team Orange's hired gun produced a goofy cartoon caricature of HALfiger. It was ugly and borderline insulting - and huge. I loved it! Their plane was reaching completion and was a hodgepodge of graffiti tagging, "flying bricks," the funny caricature, and a "TH" logo on the tail. The professionals hired by Team Blue also finished their work which now a not-so-sexy black bottomed plane with a big "Tommy Hilfiger" on the side complemented by Rob's sloppy painting technique. Their tail piece contained four stupid symbols that looked exactly like Microsoft Clip Art. In fact, I'd bet that's exactly what it was - some "professionals" you've got there, Chris.

Blah, blah, blah, "Jessica, please take the runway. You're out of style." It was then I realized that no flash flood swept me away to save me from "The Cut." I make no secret that I think this show sucks, which seems to upset a few readers. So I include this breaking CBS news bulletin below for two reasons: one, to alert you Cut fans to the scheduling change and two, to show you that CBS knows it sucks too.

[Update: CBS PROGRAM ADVISORY…

On Wednesdays, CBS will broadcast repeats of STILL STANDING in the 8:00-8:30 PM, ET/PT time period and YES, DEAR at 8:30-9:00 PM, ET/PT beginning August 3.]

Posted by at 3:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

[by Erica]

I sat down to watch the premiere episode of Situation:Comedy (in which amateur writers vie for a chance at an NBC pilot) tonight, and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Although no contestant reached Gulager-like proportions of oddity or hilarity, they were all likeable enough. The premises of some of the shows selected for the finals included: a fish out of water story about a diner in Maine, a fish out of water story about a lodge in Alaska, a fish out of water story about a white pastor at a black church (are you sensing a pattern?), a show that sounded like Clerks in a clothing store, and a show that sounded just like Rushmore, only with an 11-year-old and not as quirky (this show, "Stephen's Life," will be one of the two pilots produced. No word yet on if Kevin Arnold will direct or if the honor will fall to Marcy D'Arcy.)

Sadly, the shows not chosen include a show about a lamp, a show about talking lasagna, and a show about a woman who stores things in her ass.

The other show chosen for the finals, called "The Sperm Donor," involved the story of a woman who tracks down the father of her 13-year-old daughter after the girl expresses a desire to meet the man who donated his sperm. To me, it sounds like a terrible, and unfunny, premise for a show.

Apparently, the WB didn't agree. According to The Futon Critic, the network has a midseason replacement scheduled called "Misconceptions" that sounds suspiciously like "The Sperm Donor." The WB show stars Jane Leeves (Frasier) and French Stewart (3rd Rock From the Sun), and The Futon Critic said it's "in the running to be the worst comedy pilot this season" and that it "feels like a bad early-1990s FOX sitcom magically transported to present day - all of its crappiness fully intact." Yup, that sounds about right.

Posted by at 3:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

[by Betty White]

It's Week Two of So You Think You Can Dance and there is still no sign of Paula Abdul, who, the commercials teased, would be making a guest appearance. When the previews for SYTYCD started airing, I thought this meant that Paula would be on the first show, but there has been no sign of her. Now, I'm not sure that this tease is really enough to get America tuning in week after week, hoping this is the week that Paula Abdul shows up. I mean, you can see her as a correspondent on Entertainment Tonight for god's sake and that doesn't get me setting my Tivo. And speaking of teases, this week I noticed one of the clips for upcoming auditions showed a guy smelling his socks during his audition and then we never saw him again. Where was he? That would have been some great television, or at least better than what we've been getting.

The final winner of SYTYCD gets a stylish NY apartment for a year and $100,000. This is a weak reality show prize. Come on! On American Idol, the winner's get a record contract which is really the most valuable part of the prize. By now, Kelly Clarkson and Gay Aiken are kind of pop stars in their own right. They have a career independent of Idol. Couldn't the SYTYCD producers have made a deal with a record company to have the winner go on tour as a dancer with a major star (hey, maybe an Idol star, you know, cross promotion), or called up a Broadway show and asked if the winner could have a role a dancer in the production - at the very least, make a call to Michael Flatley and get them a role in one of the productions of Riverdance? Oh, they should have consulted with me before this show began. I mean seriously, the person that wins this show is going to get that apartment in NY so they can start pounding the pavement, going to audition after audition, like they probably have been for the last few years leading up to their audition for SYTHYCD - what exactly is going to change, other than people will recognize them? And while $100,000 is nothing to sneeze at, Fox and the Idol producers are going to make millions off this show, can they squeeze out a little bit more into the pot? But, like all reality shows, these contestants are in it more for their 15 minutes of fame.

I'm not sure if there is a stylist on this show, or if host Lauren Sanchez dresses herself, but with every outfit, she says to us "Hello, can you see my fake boobs?" OK, she doesn't say that out loud, but Good lord! They are just constantly front and center in these skimpy little tops. Does anybody really want to see an old hag with huge fake tits? You know, besides Janice Dickinson?

We're down to a one and a half hour show from the two-hour-premiere. Trim one more half hour from this show, and I just might look forward to tuning in. It's also our last week of the first round auditions. Nigel, Bonnie and Jeff are all here this week. Boy does Nigel dominate the screen time of the other two producers. He does about 90% of the talking, starting with his signature "Hiya," as each contestant comes on stage. He doesn't even pretend they need a majority vote of two producers to get a contestant through to the next round. If Nigel likes them, he sends them through without so much as a consultation with the other two, leaving Jeff stammering, "Duh, okay for me," and "I'd have said 'yes' anyway."

This week, we're in LA, the "home of the stars" for auditions. It's also the home of wannabe stars and that means that this is just another audition for these poor kids who have already moved to LA to get their big break. Just because we're already in Hollywood, doesn't keep the producers from blurting out "See you in Hollywood" when the fortunate few make the cut. Can't you get a little more original (or at least say something that makes sense)?

The laughable moments for ridiculous performers who clearly can't dance are relatively minimal this week. This week, a guy who was a weak combination of Michael Jackson and Merlin the magician may have gotten my vote for most pathetic, but when Nigel started to verbally skewer him, the guy immediately copped to being 31 (he looked 45) years old (we learned this week the cut off age is 30) and told them he just wanted to opportunity to perform on stage. Sensing the guy knew he was a total loser, Nigel immediately backed down and let him off easy. Simon never would have done that, this guy would have been drawn and quartered. We also saw some circus acrobatics presumably from Kenya, who didn't really do any dancing at all. Nigel asked them how old they were and most of them said 25 or 30, despite the gray dreadlocks. That Nigel, you can't get anything by him, said he remembered working with the troupe in the 70s. Do these producers not at least ask for a form of ID before letting people on the stage for auditions?

They spared us most of the Britney-imitation during this second episode, although we do see some REALLY BAD outfits. One guys is so bad that Nigel makes him go buy new clothes before the afternoon round. If someone had a unique routine or even shows the hint that they can dance, the producers generally let them through to the afternoon round. Both a guy doing a dance routine on roller skates, and another one doing a routine on stilts get the benefit of the doubt and go on to the afternoon. Those producers can really spot a good thing, because these guys actually can dance. There's a guy who had me at "hello" who does the Donald O'Connor move of climbing up the wall and flipping over - I LOVE THAT. The show also gets their own thrill showing us two loving couples (one married, one engaged) who blabber on about how much chemistry they have dancing together, only to have their love torn apart when just one member of each couple makes it through at the end. Then, Lauren's there to greet them at the studio door to ask how it went, camera zooming in on the rejected partner, just to see if they can mask their disappointment and pretend they are actually excited for their mate. If either of these people who made the cut win in the end, let's see how long these relationships last.

And once again, we have our fatty moments. We see that fat guys can sometimes dance. "Big Papa" (who's not all THAT big - I've seen bigger) makes the cut, leading Nigel to blurt out in his Britishness, "You don't have to be a skinny rake to dance." Funny, but just a moment before, we saw a female elephant on point shoes pretending to do ballet. The amount of weight that rested on the toes of those shoes was really phenomenal and probably painful. We have yet to see a fat girl make it through to the next round. Remember, fat guys can dance. Fat girls should go on a diet.

So, next week, with the initial round over we're off to Hollywood with 50 dancers who will be put through the paces by 5 choreographers as we begin the process of whittling down the performers to the final few. Oh wait, but we're already in Hollywood. I'll see you there.

Posted by at 3:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

When we caught our first glimpses of Big Brother 6, a lot of people were worried. We saw all of the beautiful people and lamented at how boring they would all be. We learned that each of the houseguests would have a partner going into the house and decided that it was the dumbest twist ever, made only worse when we learned that the whole thing was going to be wrapped into what the producers were calling "Summer of Secrets." Yes, my confidence wavered a little bit - until I remembered a few things. First, the house was full of humans, and whenever you get enough of us in one place, we make sure to destroy everything in sight. Second, I was still going to get a healthy dose of Julie Chen, and that is plenty to keep me happy for the summer.

This post is a special one for TVgasm. Notice the number. 1000! Well, technically, it's not 1000 because some entries were deleted and their numbers were just skipped, but I don't want to count. I have to say that I am very happy to be able to share the 1000th post with Julie Chen. Some people have e-mailed me to let me know that Julie Chen is on five days a week, if only I would watch the early show. And sure, if I wanted my time with Julie to be boring, I could take her in every day, but then Big Brother just wouldn't be the same, now would it?

It was the fourth week of our summer Chenwatch, and she seemed a little bit more composed that day, at least with her speech. Her wardrobe was a different matter. We opened up the show by zooming in on Julie, looking very crisp in a white pantsuit. We love Julie's pantsuits because she can do them in so many ways, and it's always our best chance for a little camel toe. Sadly, the camel toe did not make an appearance today, which makes it four weeks of live Julie without the knuckles coming out. It could be a record, but she did make up for it. I was thinking that there must be a plumbing problem in her house, because she had her pants tied up like she was ready for a flood. Maybe she was back from some humanitarian work in India. Who knows? The Chelmet was also out of sorts. She usually keeps those locks under control, but she had cowlicks flying everywhere today. The Chenbot maintenance team is going to be scolded for such oversights.

Hasn't this week been absolutely perfect? I think that it is fair to say that most of us in the gasmverse have a little bit of hatred for Eric, and you know, even I felt bad about making fun of him and accusing him of using steroids, beating his wife, and having small genitals. But then Eric opens his mouth, and I'm not sorry anymore. When talking about being nominated, Eric said it didn't surprise him in the least, and that his enemies weren't even worthy of his "eyesight" (or his hat, in James' case)! What the hell is that supposed to mean? Uh, Eric, about 90% of the population is saying the same for you.

And in case those type of comments didn't have me questioning Eric's sanity, he continued with a lot of other great observations. For instance, after the nominations, he didn't want to talk to anybody. OK, fine. Even though you told everybody all week it wasn't personal, but were clearly the person taking it as a personal insult more than anybody else, you are entitled to your space. But do you have to be such a dumbass? Sarah wanted to say something, perhaps to you, know, show some sportsmanship, but Eric wasn't having any of it. He told Sarah that she should just give him respect. Oh Eric, you meant like all of that respect you showed everybody in the house while you were HOH? Lead by example, captain.

As if that wasn't dumb enough, Eric proceeded to tell Sarah "Don't piss in my ear and tell me it's raining." The phrase is "Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining." Judge Judy put it in on the cover of book. The only other person I have heard use the phrase like that is Karen from Big Brother 5. It kind of makes you wonder what other sayings Eric might like to say. "Don't shit where I eat, because I might think it's cake;" "Don't jizz on my cupcakes and tell me it's frosting;" "Don't stick a shampoo bottle in my ass and tell me I'm getting a prostrate exam;" or the ever-popular "Don't put my hand in a blender and tell me it's chili." I am also getting sick of Eric and his stupid jerseys and hats. Vegas Fire. Yes we know, it's hot in Vegas and you are a firefighter, so it's a double dose of irony when you wear the shirt, but damn! Instead of buying up a hat or t-shirt from eveyr single fire engine company that has ever seen, try spending $20 at the GAP. They have these things called "polo shirts," and they can even mellow out an idiot like you.

Things calmed down a little bit, although Eric even found time to accuse Ivette of being in on the plan, which says as much about Eric's paranoia as it does about Kaysar's method of springing this nomination out of nowhere. But seriously, you had to know that Eric was going to be a goner, and with that knowledge, and a little bit of an attempt by the producers to cause some misdirection, we started hearing Maggie and Eric talk about how everybody was making a big mistake and that she was the smarter player. Perhaps this is true and perhaps Maggie was laying low waiting to strike. We'll just have to wait until she wins HOH to see if she's just talking bullshit or not.

It was now time for Julie's little talk with the houseguests. She had the normal question to James, asking what a roller coaster ride it was for him. After then the funniest thing happened. While Julie was waiting for a response, she sort of stuck her tongue out and licked her lips, perhaps believing it was east coast time and the muscle memory was telling her she should be smooching with Les. As amusing as that was, the funniest part of the sequence was when she talked to April about PB&J. April said she hated it because she lost some weight, but she didn't just say she lost some weight, she made sure to say "I entered the house about 108" and that she may be down to 102. Well, I am not so sure how much she weighed, buy do you honestly believe she was 108? We all know that she has lost weight, but it's not from PB&J, it's just the natural effects of osteoporosis. I think she was just retaining more water since menopause, so she is just noticing the weight coming off now.

Julie finally asked a question to Beau, probably realizing the rest of the country was thinking about an Amber Alert since we haven't seen him in so long. Beau is gay, so of course he gets a fashion question. Instead of "who has the most fashion sense?" (he said Ivette) or "the worst fashion sense" (Eric and Howie), why don't you ask "So, the producers think you are boring and never show your face during the week. Is this because you are autistic or gay?" Sorry, that makes no sense, I was imagining how it would go if Ivette was trying to do the same thing. Finally, we get to Howie. Julie asks him to spell "rhubarb." Oh, I can't wait! Howie is so funny, everybody is going to die laughing just hearing his voice. Un, no. Howie spells rhubarb, and the only person who laughed was Julie Chen. Chenbot loves her built-in applause and laughter functions.

After that interview, we learned that we would get some information about the girl from Minnesota and the person who emigrated to the Unted States from Iraq. At first, I was like "What, Eric is from Iraq?" because usually the segments are on the nominees and not the people who nominated them. Quite obviously, Kaysar was from Iraq, which meant Janelle is from Minnesota. It's really great to see these familty insights, because usually they are forced to rationalize their relative's asinine behavior in front of the cameras. This time though, it was very nice, with both families basically agreeing that their loved one was intelligent, and they weren't surprised at all that Janelle an Kaysar had teamed up. This segment gave us two "Captain Obvious" moments. First, it is obvious that Janelle's Mom is younger than April (and Janelle is not bad looking with brown hair, I might add). Second, Kaysar's sister, Dalia (who had a very sweet young boy wearing a darling Kaysar shirt, almost as cute as that baby picture of Kaysar we saw a few moments later) said that all the girls in the house wearing bikinis are not really the type of women Kaysar would normally meet in their culture. We love you Dalia, but when you came on in your hijab, we kind of figured that out pretty quickly.

Everybody started admitting to things, but April and Jen and Ivette and Beau tried to keep the ruse alive that they didn't know each other. We know that Julie is going to reveal that everybody has a partner, but they didn't, so they were trying to pull off the lie for as long as possible. The problem is that the longer they deny it, the less effect it has when they admit it. James and Sarah tried to keep the charade, but realized they would gain more from being truthful, and they gained a big alliance. Jenny and April and Ivette and Beau are doing a decent job, but they really sound stupid as they are trying to convince the others of how they didn't know each other.

Eventually, the pressure from the houseguests was too much, and the holdouts began admitting to having a relationship, but refused to admit how close they were. April and Jenny came up with saying that they had seen each other like three times before coming into the house, and Ivette said largely the same thing about her and Beau. She did say that there was another reason they put her and Beau together, and after Cappy put two and two together, he realized Ivette was gay. I guess she's been doing a pretty good job keeping her little secret, but I still think it's not long before April says something.

Finally, it's time for the eviction. As always, both nominees had a chance for some final words. They both made it a point of thanking Big Brother (is that a contract obligation that they can't say CBS or Viacom?) and thanking the houseguests, and Eric made a point of talking about his integrity. Anybody who has to brag about something all the time usually has a deficiency in that area. Howie he likes to talk about his sexual prowess; for Eric, it's his integrity. Both probably aren't 10% as great as they make themselves out to be.

The vote ended up being split down party lines, and Eric went home with a 5-4 vote. YES! His exit was fairly bitter. Although it was just a game, and he was cool with everybody all week, he didn't look anybody in the eye unless they voted for him. He gave hugs all around, and told people not to cry in his ear and tell him it's raining. Just kidding of course, but that would have been hilarious. There was no talk of karma boomerangs, and Eric left for his exit interview.

One of the things that always bothered me about Eric was that he always wore a stupid hat. Call me old fashioned, but I sort of like it when everybody gets dressed up for evictions, or at least puts on a skirt. Eric did neither, apparently unable to find any khakis in all of Las Vegas. And just as classy, he kept his backwards hat on for the interview. I thought Marvin looked stupid with the dog collar last year, but Eric may be just as dumb.

Eric gave an average interview. Julie asked him about going from first to worst, and he tried to put the blame on deals that were broken. Julie then surprised us by asking a relevant question, i.e. if Eric was one of the people breaking deals. Eric acknowledged that he broke a deal with James because of an allegiance to Maggie, but still blamed it all on Kaysar's betrayal. Maybe they were right calling Eric the stupid one. If he didn't get in a hissy fit about April's fear that Michael might get too close and see all the scars from her plastic surgery and nominate Michael, Eric would not have been evicted this week. Kaysar never would have nominated him if he believed Eric was going to stay true to that original alliance. Remember that one? Eric was paranoid about the girls picking the guys off one by one. Was that a lie so he could get close to the women and betray the guys? Looks like it from here.

When he was done, Eric left us with one more thing to remember him by. After Maggie's tearful goodbye to Eric, and Julie extended her hand to wish him luck/suck the life force from him, he said "Thank you JUUlieee"[click here for audio] and his voice cracked. Since you might not hear from me after Eric sends his goon squads to the TVgasm offices, I thought I would get one more dig in. I hope you enjoy.

That leaves us with the HOH competition, and we had a Big Brother staple, the bocce ball competition, or "Power Roller" as we heard it. Power Roller was basically bocce ball. The contestants had to roll a ball and get it as close as possible to the center of a target on the other end. There were several holes on the board, including one in the middle of the target. Rolling your ball in the hole meant a disqualification. Janelle went first, and although she was pretty far away from the center, it looked like she would win HOH. Everybody else was rolling it long or getting it in the hole. Julie gave us another great sound clip after April's ball fell into the hole, giving a nice little "oohhhhhh"[click here for audio] , that I have played only around 1,000 times since making the clip.

Who is Maggie going to nominate? Will she let her emotions or brain rule her decisions? And finally, WHERE IS THE CHEN CAMEL TOE?! I'M DYING HERE.

Posted by at 1:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (59)

Click on Josh (left) and Rocky (right) to hear them cry.

I was a little shocked today when I discovered that no sooner had I started watching Average Joe: The Joes Strike Back than the series was already over. OVER! Talk about wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Why the rush, NBC? Want to pepper your schedule with more repeats of Joey?

Well, the final two episodes played out in the humdrum manner we've come to expect from the show. First, we reacquainted ourselves with the exiled Average Joes who now had returned with their teeth straightened, their hair cut, and their fat...eh, still there. Anna plucked Nathan from the water fountain (seriously, they were standing on a water fountain), and then it was off to Tahiti for several massively staged dates. It was business as usual for the guys: Hunky Josh was sincere, Rocky was tall, Average Josh was complimentary, Nathan was funny, and Arthur was pathetically gushy, going so far as to perform a mini-triage on Anna's mystery splinter (it was actually a venomous bee sack!). Although Arthur seemed to push all the right buttons (he brought Anna flowers -- her fave!), he was ultimately cut, along with the Joshes. Hunky Josh took the blow harshly as his Chad Michael Murray facade devolved into a teary-eyed mess.

On the final episode, the last two remaining guys -- Rocky and Nathan -- had dates with Anna's mom. Unfortunately for Rocky, he couldn't quite master the art of "conversation" and had difficulty coming up with questions more stimulating than "So..." Nathan, however, aced the test, and after two dates (which I fast forwarded through -- sorry, lots of TV to catch up on!), the action dwindled down to Anna standing at the end of a long pier where she was to choose her man. Despite being dreamy and tall, Rocky was sent packing, and we watched him climb into the back of a covered pickup, perhaps off to fight in 'Nam. Nathan, meanwhile, won the gal, and the two boarded a boat and sailed off into reality oblivion.

While all this was fun and all, the real joy was listening to Rocky and Hunky Josh's tearful reactions. Click on their faces above to hear all their sobbing glory.

Posted by at 6:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Big Brother's Beau on Made and The Cut

Feeling like Beau's been fading into the background on Big Brother this season? Maybe that's because he's a bit tired from his other Viacom appearances. Just last night he appeared not only on the Tommy Hilfiger disaster, The Cut, but also MTV's Made. A Big Brother contestant whoring himself out for reality TV? Well, now I've heard it all!

Posted by at 2:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

[by Guest Columnist Erica; you can read her blog at ihearttv.blogspot.com]

An article in today's New York Times addresses the Dancing With the Stars judging controversy. If watching B-list actors prancing around isn't your thing, you might not know that many viewers were "offended" when soap opera star Kelly Monaco beat out John O'Hurley, frequent Seinfeld guest star, for the win.

I can't help but think that some DWTS fans are taking this a little too far. It's not like there was a million dollars at stake. Kelly Monaco won A TROPHY. Sure, she's getting a lot of acting offers now (including a potential guest-starring role on Desperate Housewives, according to E! Online's Kristin) , but she's not getting those offers because of her dancing ability—she's getting them because her name is out there. And every article that mentions her undoubtedly also mentions J. Peterman, so maybe he (and his fans) can live with him not having that trophy in his garage.

The article also mentions that changes will be put into effect to prevent such a controversy in the future. One such change might be the addition of a second-night results show, like the one American Idol has. ABC admits that they hadn't considered a second weekly show before, since they thought no one in his or her right mind would want to watch some has-beens and never-weres doing the fox trot. Oh how wrong they were.

Posted by at 8:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Today's New York Post has a veeeeeery interesting casting call, one that, let's just say, aims at a very specific audience:

Saturday at Tonic (727 7th): Casting for MTV's "The Real World/Road Rules Challenge" (10 a.m. - 5 p.m.). Applicants must be 18-25 years old and need a recent picture and photo ID.

Hmm, that's funny.... Isn't one of the requirements of being on REAL WORLD/ROAD RULES CHALLENGE is having already been a contestant on either of these shows? Or has Bunim(RIP)/Murray tapped into every. single. participant already and is looking into new casting methods? By that rationale, shouldn't the show just be called "Challenge"? Perhaps they could pit homeless people against auto mechanics, thus still living up to the title.

Or maybe this is the only way they can reach out to Puck. He reads the Post, right?

Either way, stop by Tonic to possibly catch glimpse of the 48,000 F-list celebs that may or may not stop by.

(UPDATE: They are looking for people to compete against veteran cast members. OMG. This may be the only time I'll be able to wrastle Eric Nies without having the police pry me off!)

Posted by at 7:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

After two weeks of nagging by loyal TVgasm readers, I finally decided to check out Brat Camp last night on ABC. I was not disappointed. No, I'm not saying that it was good or even enjoyable. I was simply satisfied in knowing how right I was for staying away. On the one hand, I feel badly for these kids for the deep emotional issues they grapple with. But on the other hand, must we force a camera in their faces and make them cry on national television? After all, what better way to boost a kid's self-esteem than by exposing them to the ridicule of asshole blogs like this one! Perhaps most objectionable though (at least for me, as an avid television watcher) is the fact that this hour-long, neo-hippie, feel-good program is just merely a more bloated version of any old Sally Jesse Raphael show, except now we're supposed to actually care about these wounded children. What happened to the days of booing at the proudly slutty bitch or the cocky asshole rebel? Back then, we liked watching these kids get their comeuppance as some beefy drill sergeant barked at them for hours on end. Alas, I guess that sort of sensationalism doesn't necessarily promote "growth," whatever that is, so it's off to the Oregon desert to build a fire, scale a cliff, and have Mother Raven heal our troubled youth. Can't wait for her book deal!

Thoughts on last night's episode after the jump...

Well, I wasn't paying that close of attention the first ten minutes or so, but I did notice the narrator emphasizing the need to boost all these kids' self-esteem. And nothing does that better than forever labeling them "compulsive liar," "steals from mom," "self-destructive drug user," and "angry punk." You know by season five, they'll simply be calling them "asshole," "bitch," "slut." Yes, kids, you may be growing and overcoming your demons, but rest assured, every time you turn on ABC, you'll still be remembered as a "Brat."

And before you all pull out your quill pens and write a nasty letter, please know that I was being facetious. Anyway, enjoy our minute-by-minute commentary (with assistance from J-Unit and TVgasm friend, ZL).

9:13 PM
Jada rappels down a cliff and announces, "I was really not scared at all." Whatever, COMPULSIVE LIAR!

9:15 PM
Isaiah happily descends down the cliff. Man, that's one angry punk.

9:15 PM
Heather, the habitual runaway, has arrived at the bottom of the cliff. Psssst. Maybe you should keep her in that harness, yes?

9:15 PM
Wouldn't it be awesome if one of these kids was like The Mole? You know, actually a good kid pretending to be bad? Now THAT would make this show interesting.

9:15 PM
By the way, props to ABC for making sure to keep all the kids from the ghetto off this show. You know how it is with them, "gangs rule my neighborhood this" and "society marginalizes me that." We need to make sure we save the kids who are in the most danger: upper-middle class suburbanites!

9:23 PM
One of the Sagewalk guys (Pine Cone? Dandelion? Mildew?) encourages Lexie to descend down the cliff. "Walk backwards. Just like Batman." Is Batman known for his Moonwalking? Actually, maybe now isn't the greatest time to make Michael Jackson references.

9:25 PM
Back at camp, the kids chow down on some nasty porridge worthy of a Catholic orphanage. Mother Raven really cooks up some solid gruel, doesn't she? The secret ingredient? Ravens.

9:26 PM
Speaking of Mother Raven (not to be confused with Forgive or Forget's Mother Love), she returns to counsel Lauren about the death of her father. Yeah, I only wanted to make fun of the random gnawed carrots in this scene, but I think I'll just move on before my conscience completely kills me.

9:27 PM
Honestly, what's the deal with these names? Boulder? Mother Raven? Glacier? Aspen? I'm pretty sure we're watching a cult at this point.

9:29 PM
Lauren emotes about her father's passing. Boulder hugs her and says, "I'm proud of you." He then adds, "Uh, what's the name on your back? Ah, that's right. Lauren. Yes, Lauren. I'm proud of you."

9:33 PM
Lexie hurts herself gathering wood. Oh well. There goes all the self-esteem from the cliff.

9:33 PM
Ah. "Little Big Bear." Is there a Big Big Bear? Or a Little Little Bear? Big Little Bear? Medium-sized economy bear?

9:34 PM
Isaiah: "Bow drill? What is that?" I've never SEEN a more angry punk! I mean, he made fun of bow drilling!!!

9:36 PM
"Fire Shaper" tells Isaiah to tend the fire. Um, I believe you're the one named Fire Shaper, jerk.

9:40 PM
Isaiah: "I just made fire with a shoelace and two sticks!" Now let's burn down the school!!!!

9:40 PM
"Me and Isaiah had a pretty good breakthrough. He had been feeling me out and seeing if he could trust me, but I think we overcame that," said Fire Shaper proudly. That night, Fire Shaper was found burned to death in his sleeping bag.

9:45 PM
Great. Another stupid name. "Mountain Wind." Apparently, she enjoys the "Mountain Burrito."

9:47 PM
Now it's time to focus on Nick and his dyslexia. Because of his learning disability, he's become self-conscious and angry. He even tried to stab his twin. Hey, Nick, why don't you try stabbing someone your own size? Oh wait, he is your own size. Never mind.

9:47 PM
We see Nick's almost-stabbed brother. Hey, it's Harry Potter! Why would Nick try to stab Harry Potter? He's a child wizard!

9:50 PM
"The Sagewalk team is determined to teach Nick a skill he can be proud of," says the announcer as Boulder teaches Nick the art of the bow drill fire. Yes, this will come in handy on the SATs. Cut to Nick building a fire on his desk.

9:53 PM
Nick finally gets fire. Okay, he's cured now. NEXT!

The show eventually ends with beaded necklaces being handed out to the kids who improved the most over the week. Yay!

Posted by at 1:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (46)

I feel a bit weird writing this recap knowing that 99% of TVgasm's readers spent their Tuesday night watching one of the best Big Brother episodes ever. And that remaining 1%? If you were watching the Hilton show you scare me, quite frankly, because I'm not sure that you are mentally stable. At least I, as the resident rookie writer 'round these parts, have an excuse. Alas, while B-Side gets to describe the wondrous meltdowns of Eric, Maggie, and Ivette, I must report upon the ho-hum return of a completely forgettable cast of eliminated Hiltonites. Imagine the emotional rollercoaster of my Tuesday night - going from Big Brother to "I Want to be a Hilton." But I'm a pro and I endured...for YOU, dear readers.

Enough of my whining. This week's show simply had to be better than last week's debacle. Right? Right??!!

One little ongoing drama I missed last week due to the presidential preemption was the budding romance between JW and Jules. Yup, the Mississippi farmboy and the Long Island yenta have fallen for each other's reality-whoring ways - gee, sounds like a Hallmark Channel made-for-TV movie, doesn't it? Except for the fact that JW doesn't really seem to give a crap about Jules. At breakfast, the remaining 7 (Jules, JW, Jackaay, Niki, Brenden, Jaret, and Vanessa) learned that they would be having lunch at New York's famous Palm Restaurant. Upon leaving their hotel suite, they were accosted by starving New York actors with flashbulbs. Actually, they were supposed to be paparazzi and they were supposed to really freak out the Hiltonites. However, it looked like a "Saved by the Bell" soft-focus sequence with Lisa Turtle daydreaming about being a movie star someday. Yes, it was that poorly produced. The funniest part was that I think these 7 dolts (ok, Brenden and Vanessa seem kind of intelligent) were under the impression that those photographers were real and that they were just trying to get some good shots of these future reality TV superstars.

The gang arrived to greet a very bored-looking Kathy Hilton at the restaurant. Seriously, it was evident that she's totally had enough of this show and these people, and she obviously just wanted to get back to snorting caviar from hairless virgin boy's asses in Geneva or whatever it is the super rich do for fun these days. I thought to myself that she should just cut the final 7 in half at the end of this show to speed up the process. Nah, I couldn't be that fortunate... Kathy had her now-expected useless mystery lunch guests in tow - Celebrity photog Dave Allocca and scribe Jeffrey Slonim, "a great entertainment writer with top magazines all over the world." You know, those "top magazines" Google can't find doing a simple search on his name. Maybe he's covering that hot Bhutan gossip beat... "Dateline Thimphu, Lhengye Shungtsog was spotted taking Jigme Singye's yak for a drunken stroll through town. My spies noted that Shungtsog was bragging about his relationship with Indiana Jones..."

Jules, makeup is your friend.

OoooOOOoooOOOoh! Wow, despite the fact I can't stand her, Jules just became my favorite to go all the way! (Sorry about that picture of you a minute ago.) Yes, Kathy, what about your infamously drunken slut of a daughter who has appeared in a widely distributed sex video? How do you reconcile that fact with having a reality show in which you purport to be the doyenne of civility and grace? How can you stand there, week after week, supposedly teaching these youngsters how to handle themselves in the public eye with proper etiquette and style when your eldest daughter is whoring it up at every party from here to Bangkok while your second daughter has already been through a quickie marriage to some douchebag? Hmmmmmmmm? Do tell.

Kathy swallowed hard and explained that "Paris is a strong woman with a great positive attitude but sometimes she cries like a baby." OK, but that's not what I asked. What about the sex tape? "You know what," said Kathy, "Don't be so damn judgmental. Life goes on." Huh? Man, I'll be sure to remember that response when my illicit sex tape is leaked (Richard Simmons, you devil, you). Reminds me of my favorite moments on American Idol type shows after the JUDGES JUDGE a person to suck and the person says, without a trace of irony, "Whateva. Who are they to judge?" Love that. (You can really tell the show sucks when I go off on so many tangents.) After Kathy (sort of) faced the music, JW was moved to note how "inspirational" she is. Ah yes, JW...I am also inspired to be born rich, marry rich, and have rich slutty daughters. She truly is an inspiration to us all! Amen.

As lunch was wrapping up, Kathy revealed that her charges would get to go to a red carpet event that evening after meeting with a Public Relations coach to get some pointers. Since I'm the only one who actually watched this show, believe me when I tell you that they all have some grand delusion that they will soon be rich and famous. They all nervously talked about how they would handle the press and paparazzi. If by "press" they meant "sg-dub of TVgasm" and by "paparazzi" they meant "B-Side with his camera phone at LAX," then rest assured kids, you'll be fine. Jules even went so far as to ponder the effects her new-found stardom would have on her frequent clubbing forays into NYC. The PR lady did a great job of maintaining her poise and suppressing her laughter. Hey Jules, if you're in need of a bodyguard, give me a call. I'm a skinny white boy, sure, but something tells me I could handle all those crazy obsessed fans of yours. You nut.

A limo drove the crew to the "red carpet event" where they all excitedly entered the "meet and greet" to learn... It was THEY who were going to be holding a "press conference!" Not only that, but the surprise secret guest behind the curtain was none other than... Donny Deutsch! Wow, I've never seen him on an NBC reality show with a rich person's name attached before! Apparently, Jackaay is a huge fan of the Deutschster, as she sat and stared at him with a creepy perma-smile the likes of which I haven't seen since I last visited Madame Tussaud's. There was actually a bigger surprise from behind the curtain: the return of the previously booted cast members! There was the quarterback Jabe and his trusted offensive guard, Latricia. The others were all back including British bitch Yvette, cocky plumber Johnny, and Insane Ann. Jackaay was up first and I was hoping to finally get to the bottom of why she has that extra 'a' in her name. It's been driving me crazy since week one. But no, Yvette asked instead, "It's no secret that you don't like me. Is it because I'm beautiful or are you just jealous of me?"

Now, that question was horrible in so many different ways (aside from just being mean and pointless) I don't even know where to begin. First, it wasn't even written/thought of by Yvette. You could tell each castaway had questions written for them by the producers of the show. Second, the question presents a false dichotomy which just drives me mad. Not only that, the two options the question presented were actually the same option to begin with. Also, Yvette is decidedly NOT "beautiful." Sigh. Must... Stop... Thinking... Too much. Another funny thing about this "press conference" was the two dozen or so fake cameramen and writers present in the background. I couldn't be sure, but I think I've seen every one of those "writers" walking by in various Law and Order episodes before. I could swear that the "writer" who kept yawning in the background even had a line on L&O - SVU last week. Each finalist answered his or her questions (Niki was horrible, JW was a total politician, Jaret was super serious about his all-important etiquette training, and Brenden reiterated that a bunch of the others were indeed "stupid"). The worst part? Ann didn't break out in an uplifting song. I would have loved to see Donny Deutsch tell her to shut the hell up.

After this nonsense, all seven joined Kathy at The Residence to determine who would be sent home. Kathy still looked extremely bored and tired of her own show and announced, out of nowhere, that 3 people would be sent home that evening. YES!! My dream came true! For the first time since I can remember, a reality show elicited verbal excitement from me. Best. News. Ever. There really is no point in breaking down the proceedings, as they were all relatively civil and unexciting. JW and Jackaay both said that Niki was the worst at the press conference and Brenden revealed his new "I coulda been on 'thirtysomething'" outfit. He was rocking the faux-intellectual glasses, the green button down shirt, and the assistant professor beard that told Kathy, "I care. I really, really care. About my Saab." Kathy took it all in and retreated to her drawing room to prepare "the list." That being the list of the names of the four who would get to stay. Unfortunately for Brenden, Darling Niki and Yenta Jules, Kathy left their names off and they were sent into the netherworld of reality has-beens.

Posted by at 11:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

This weeks’ Monday Night RAW took place in Gund Arena in beautiful Cleveland, Ohio. I grew up in c-bus, so seeing The Gund on TV was something of a homecoming for me. Meaning the crowd was filled with fat, pasty-white Midwesterners. (Man, I miss having funnel-cake pancakes for breakfast.)

Tonight’s episode was centered around respect. John Cena didn’t respect Eric Bischoff. Shelton Benjamin didn’t respect Eric Bischoff. The people of Cleveland didn’t respect Chris Jericho, the self-proclaimed “Ayatollah of Rock-n-Rolla”. Nobody respects the mullet. But by night’s end, you wouldn’t be able to swing a dead cat without it getting covered in crunchy kibbles of respect.

Kurt Angle, who actually won a Gold Medal in the 1996 Olympics, opened the show with the Angle Invitational, where he challenges the local “Hometown Hero” to a match. If they can survive three minutes in the ring with him, they win his medals. So far, Angle has yet to be defeated. Would tonight be any different? Does the Rock love pie? Because Angle’s Cleveland opponent was none other than Eugene, general manager Eric Bischoff’s “special” nephew. Eugene is something of a wrestling savant, meaning he knows every move of every wrestler in the history of professional wrestling. And the TV schedule for Judge Judy no matter what city he’s in. Eugene managed to throw Angle out of the ring with just ten seconds left, and Kurt couldn’t make it back into the squared circle in time, meaning Eugene now has Angle’s Olympic Gold Medal, which, no doubt, is already covered in drool.

Viscera was up next in tag-team action. His partner? A midget named Cloacas. Viscera (or “Big Vis” as he’s known today) used to be scary in an evil way. Now, he’s scary in a “sweaty fat man in a velvet sweat suit” way. If you’ve ever wondered what happened to all of Al Sharpton’s old track suits, wonder no more: they’ve been repurposed into one Big Vis love glove.

Tonight was also the much-hyped “Battle of the Bands” between John Cena, the current rapping World Champion (and by that, I mean he’s a world champion who raps, not the world champion rapper), and former world champion Chris “Y2J” Jericho’s metal band, Fozzy.

Cena is just the latest in the long line of successful white rappers to emerge from the WWE. He kind of reminds me of Mark Wahlberg in his Marky-Mark Calvin Klein days, except Cena didn’t get his big break because of his older, boy-band brother. NKOTB 4VR!

Anway, Cena came out, and to quote Randy Jackson, he did his thing, dawg. Jericho’s band Fozzy then refused to play, supposedly because they felt the Cleveland crowd was biased toward Cena’s crew, and thus not giving them the respect they deserved. In reality, however, it was because the band suddenly realized their singer was actually a professional wrestler named Y2J.

After a brief backstage bit ‘o banter between Bischoff and Carlito “Caribbean” Cool (I just love saying that name), the Heartbreak Kid (aka Shawn Michaels) came out, yammering on about his upcoming match with Hulk Hogan. (Yes, that Hulk Hogan.) I wish I knew more about these two old-timers, but my grandfather’s been dead for years, so I couldn’t call him up for the back story. My bad. (Well, actually it’s my grandpa’s bad for dying, but who’s counting.)

Time for little A-R-E-T-H-A, as Shelton Benjamin, who a few weeks back lost his Intercontinental Title to Carlito “Caribbean” Cool (see!) was put in a handicap match against Snitsky and Chris Masters, ostensibly for disrespecting Bischoff. Shelton lost when he couldn’t escape from Masters’ signature move, the Master Lock. (When I was a kid, we called this hold the Full Nelson, which just shows how much more cleverer the WWE writers are than a bunch of 8-year olds.) Just to drive the lesson home a little further, Masters refused to unlock the Master Lock, until the 7 ft, 500 lb giant, Big Show, came down and picked it. (See how I worked all that “lock” humor in there? Try the veal.)

Also, the RAW Diva Search is still going on. This week, they had a hot dog eating contest. As funny as seeing a bunch of stripper-wannabes yummy down on some hot dogs was, it paled in comparison to hearing Jerry “The King” Lawler carry on about watching a bunch of stripper-wannabes yummy down on some hot dogs.

Next up was the Kane/Edge “Stretcher Match”. A little back-story on these two: Kane, who in the WWE universe is the Undertaker’s brother, used to be married to Lita, who, in the WWE universe, is supposedly hot. Kane once forced Lita to have sex with him so he’d stop beating up her old boyfriend, Matt Hardy. Lita got pregnant by Kane, and ended up marrying the freak. How do we know he’s a freak? Because he wears one of those creepy Marilyn Manson white contact lenses. Oh, and he once set the show’s announcer, JR, on fire during an interview. Since losing their baby after a vicious attack by Snitsky, however, Kane and Lita’s marriage has been on the rocks. Kane’s fairytale finally came crashing down a few months back when Lita betrayed him and helped Edge, who looks way more like the Vampire Lestat than Tom Cruise ever did, win their PPV match. Now, the two are married and mocking Kane every chance they get, thus setting the stage for tonight’s carnage.

In a “Stretcher Match”, the first person to put his opponent on a stretcher and roll it past the finish line wins. In the beginning, Kane held his own, despite being choked out, hit over the head with the steel steps and having a Kendo stick cracked over his noggin, but eventually he lost thanks to some timely cheating from Lita and Edge’s metal briefcase. But wait! Before Edge and Lita could escape, Kane rose from the stretcher, ala Michael Myers in Halloween, threw Edge into the video monitor wall, and pile-drove Lita onto the stage. Lita’s original ex, Matt Hardy, took this opportunity to bumrush the ramp and attack Edge. (Gotta say, Matt’s gut is looking pretty hardy these days.) Kane then hijacked the ambulance, but not before asking Lita if she’d ever been on the Highway to Hell. (Cue evil music.) I hope there’s a Waffle House on this highway.

Finally, after a two-hanky retrospective on Hulkamania, it was time for the Main Event. John Cena versus Carlito “Caribbean” Cool. Personally, I’m not sure which is cooler about Carlito: his Justin Guarini hair or his love of a good Granny Smith spit-take. Regardless, my mom thinks he’s the bee’s knees.

So, what do you think? Does a RAW recap belong on TVgasm? If so, gimme a “Hell Yeah!” If not, then it sounds like you need a big glass of shut-up juice.

Posted by at 10:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (32)

The Summer of Secrets continues on Big Brother 6, and here's a secret I bet you didn't know: Eric is an idiot. Oh wait, that's not really a secret. More of a given, right? Yes, the righteous fireman was up on his high horse again (which for him requires a rope ladder, given how high his horse is and, well, how short and trollish he is). Truth is that nothing gets me more riled up than a bombastic, sanctimonious player, but when cold-as-ice strategists like Kaysar, Janelle, and James are around, the resulting conflict is nothing less than transfixing television. Tonight was no exception as the household imploded in the wake of Kaysar's shrewd nominations. Heck, I even thought we'd get Fight Night Part II.

Unfortunately, there were no fisticuffs tonight, but we had plenty of anger, spite, and backstabbing to keep us pacified -- at least until Thursday when our bloodlust renews again. Three weeks in, and this is already turning into a mighty fine season. Who woulda thunk it?

The episode began with the patented blue-and-white flashback sequence; this time highlighting Kaysar's scandalous nomination ceremony. We got to relive all those golden moments: Maggie's pure shock, Janelle's triumphant glee, and Ivette's creepy personification of The Grudge. Or was it more The Ring? Either way, she looked like the demon-child in a Japanese horror film, and I momentarily thought she might just kill all her roommates with one carefully executed snarl. (I also contemplated the thought that she might simply emerge from my TV and go all Samara on my ass.)

Most annoying Japanese horror ghost EVER

Anyway, past became present as the blue-and-white filter dissolved into full-blown color (during a hug, as usual). Question: Whatever happened to the nifty music they used to play prior to the "colorization"? You know what I'm talking about? The slowly building drumbeat, escalating synth sounds, and--- okay, never mind. No one cares. Back to the show... So Eric was all pissed off about the nominations, saying that they came out of left field. "I think that the bubble was burst out of everybody's overall game plan," he said. I didn't know everyone had a bubble in their game plan. I suppose their plans all had sails too, and guess what, Kaysar took the wind out of those also. Hey, did you guys go to the game plan parade? Because it got RAINED ON.

Heh. That'll teach Eric not to incorrectly attach a metaphor to a literal phrase. Jerk.

As everyone reeled from the nominations, James bitterly sat on his bed, angry at Kaysar's move. "He told me yesterday I was safe. To my face. In his room," scowled James. Funny, 'cause at that same meeting, you lied and said you weren't with Sarah. And you said that to his face. In his room. Just saying. Meanwhile, Maggie found a nice corner and cried Chloë Sevigny tears (they're like normal tears, except with more indie cred). Yes, everyone was bawling and complaining, which was amusing because no one even attempted this show of histrionics when Michael and Janelle faced the firing squad last week. Up in the HOH room, however, Eric found Kaysar and did his best to kiss - nay, make love to - his ass: "Brother, look at me. This is a game. Are you okay, brother?" Because apparently they're "brothers" now. Sure, Eric spent the lion's share of the past ten days telling everyone how much he couldn't trust Kaysar, but that shouldn't preclude them from being "brothers," or better yet, "brothas." Eric then went on to say, "Hey, I respect you so much, I'm going to put on another piece of Las Vegas Fire Department clothing. Just for you, brother."

While Eric may have been all smiles and pats on the back upstairs, his mood quickly changed in the backyard as he entertainingly 'roid raged against Maggie. She accused him of not divulging his deal with Kaysar, causing Eric's face to contort into a gnarled mess. "I told you that!" he growled with teeth clenched and enough rage to send Maggie's purdy little ribbon flying from her hair.

The rare chaise-lounge 'roid rage!

While the two of them shared notes, however, James paid a visit to Kaysar, who immediately apologized for putting him on the chopping block. "It's just a game," replied James happily. It should be noted, however, that in Big Brother-ese, "It's just a game" means "I hate you, you motherf*cking asshole!"

Well, Kaysar let James know that Eric was actively campaigning against him, something that immediately incensed the security guard - I mean, "loss prevention manager." James then went down to the gold room, which has since become Janelle's de facto lair, and revved up his anti-Eric crusade, saying that he was the biggest liar in the house. As for Eric? Well, after having punched Maggie in the face (okay, okay, he merely growled some more), he had now moved onto bigger and badder things. Namely, coaster inventory. "Uh, they got rid of our coasters!" announced Eric, after having marched by the living room table. They got rid of the coasters?!?!?!? Summer of Secrets INDEED!

"I walked past the living room table where we play Coaster Toss -- it's a little game we came up with," explained Eric. And an exciting game too! You see, you toss the coasters onto the table. My pulse races just thinking about it. Alas, it looks like my plans to watch August's "Coaster Toss Tournament of Champions" have been sidelined! What to do instead? I suppose there's always the Breadcrumb Flick Summer Derby or the perennial favorite, Paperclip Bounce Celebrity Invitational. Sigh. They're just not as good as Coaster Toss, dammit!

Nevertheless, in place of the coasters were several small tiles that mirrored the larger ones hanging on the bedroom wall. Sarah, who previously proved to be an expert with clues (she did unlock the gym, let's not forget), managed to use these new tiles to find a secret compartment, inside of which was a blacklight flashlight. Additionally, there was a note saying that the houseguests should shine the flashlight everywhere for the next clue. Before we knew it, the lights were off and the flashlight scanning every surface of the house. Was I the only one expecting a giant mess of semen stains on Howie's bed? Hmmm...probably shouldn't have gone there.

Anyway, this little scavenger hunt led to the fish tank, and after the assembled group read the next clue with the awkward diction of a first-grader attempting "See Spot Run," they were then sent to the gold room and told that the number of "seas" on the little world map hanging on the wall was the first number for the combination on one of the safes. Got that? Anyway, everyone crowded around the map and attempted to count all the seas, but since it was easier for them to blurt out random numbers, that's what they did, eventually deciding that the final tally was either four or twelve. Actually, the real answer was seventeen, but hey, I'm not going to make fun of the house guests for screwing that up. I mean, counting is like really hard. Try it. 1... 2... 3... 4... 812... 74...shit! See what I mean?

Once the roomies were done with this silly numerical quest, Sarah had a heart-to-heart with Janelle about the game. Our blonde-haired super strategist asked her if she knew James, but again Sarah denied a connection. Ah, but all this lying was wearing on poor, emotionally vulnerable Sarah. With a guilty conscience, she ran to her boyfriend and confessed that she wanted to tell Janelle, and surprisingly, James said okay. After all, if he wanted to get off the chopping block, he knew he'd have to come clean with Kaysar. So Sarah went off to spill the beans with Janelle while James handled the HOH. Watching the two outcasts' reactions was pretty entertaining. Upon learning of the secret relationship, Janelle hugged Sarah in a touchy-feely moment worthy of some Chubby Hubby and a VHS copy of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Kaysar, meanwhile, reacted with steely triumph. "I knew it!" he exclaimed. "Of course you knew it," responded James. Kaysar then replied, "Of course you knew that I knew it." To which James retorted, "Of course you knew that I knew that you knew." They continued for hours.

Turns out that James' risky play to unveil his secret alliance worked beautifully. By the end of the meeting, Kaysar had agreed to take him off the chopping block (if he could) and nominate Eric instead. All he needed to do now was bring Howie and Rachel on board. And so out went James and in came Rachel. Kaysar laid it all out on the table for her, saying that he knew she was working with Howie. He then commented that Michael was his partner and Ashlea was Janelle's -- at which point we saw possibly the most unflattering flashback image of Ashlea EVER.

To seal the deal, Kaysar then explained that James and Sarah were actually dating, causing Rachel's bug-eyes to inflate larger than tennis balls. You see, Rachel had thought Sarah was James' sister, a sentiment echoed by Janelle and, later, Howie. This means that a) James and Sarah seem vaguely incestuous, b) James is really pretty, or c) Sarah is really ugly. Eh, I suppose we can also throw in an option d) All of the above. (Don't worry Sarah, I don't think you're ugly.)

Anyway, in the wake of this scheming, a new alliance formed: Kaysar, Janelle, James, Sarah, Howie, and Rachel. The three couples agreed that they'd be the final six, and then from that point on, may the best man win. Unfortunately, the next day, Kaysar had to pay lip service to Maggie by saying that she was a pawn to get rid of James. "I had to put my poker face on," he said. Yes, he gave Maggie the "stoic, death-glare poker face," which is not to be confused with his "stoic, death-glare sincere face." Eric then popped his head in the room and said, "No need to raise your voice... brother."

Well, with the alliances going haywire, it was finally time for the veto competition. Here's how it broke down: Kaysar chose Howie, Maggie chose Ivette, and James chose Janelle. This, of course, pissed James' old alliance off royally. After all, had he chosen Eric, there would have been the possibility that both he AND Cappy would be safe. Alas, the bitter nominee knew better than that as he elected the one person the rest of his former alliance hated the most. "James picks Janelle. I think I crapped my pants!" snapped Ivette in an interview. To be fair, she says that about everything. "It's partially cloudy today with high humidity. I think I crapped my pants!"

Just how shocked was Ivette about James' pick? Well, gastro-intestinal incontinence was just the tip of the Spicy Latina iceberg. "I was more in shock today than my mother was the day she found out I like girls," she said. Uh, yeah, I'm pretty sure your mom would disagree. I'll tell you what will be shocking though: the day that Ivette finally SHUTS UP!

Anyway, after picking, the teams headed out to the backyard where an oversized chess board awaited them. I of course thought this would be Janelle's specialty, but then here came Kaysar, announcing that he loved chess. Okay, cool. Anyone else like chess? Oh, James has something to say. "Chess: there's no one that can beat me in this house," he boasted. Great. Let's start playing.

"I was the chess champion...OF MY CITY," noted Maggie in her interview. Okay, seriously, what the hell is going on here? Is this the big twist: everyone was the president of a chess club? Hey, maybe April is the secret mistress of Bobby Fisher. Or better yet, I'd place money that The Chenbot's dad is Deep Blue. It's a SUMMER OF SECRETS!

Nevertheless, tonight's veto competition had the players all serving as veritable knights. They each could chose a starting place on the chess board and would have thirty seconds to make a move. Players could only move in a knight-like pattern, and upon landing on a square, it had to be removed, thus taking the spot out of play for the others. Once someone had no more moves, he or she would be eliminated. Anyway, Ivette kicked things off by choosing a random square near a corner. This of course limited her moves. Why not start in the center? I'll let Janelle explain: "Ivette's a complete moron." Yeah, that seems about right. Meanwhile, Maggie took a square directly in the corner, thus cutting away 75% of her possible moves. Exactly which city was she the chess champion of? Dumbassville? San FranIdiotsco? HonoDumblu? I could go on for hours.

Anyway, everyone pretty much targeted Ivette and Maggie by taking squares that would reduce their potential moves. As fun as it was to watch them and Eric squirm (and believe me, it was fun), my favorite parts of this whole challenge were the plodding sound effects and cheesy white puff illustrations the producers added every time someone moved. I so wish my footsteps were accompanied by an imposing drum and a little cloud. How awesome would that be?

Well, the first victim of this nouveau chess game was Ivette, who balked, "These piranhas come after me, corner me, think two steps ahead of me, and I'm out!" Yeah, who do you people think you are? Thinking two steps ahead of Ivette! You know that she's not capable of "applying" "logic." That's totally unfair! It's like comparing SAT scores with a mentally challenged kid. By the way, I didn't know that piranhas were known for their ability to corner. Actually, come to think of it, I didn't know piranhas were known for their ability to think two steps ahead of Ivette. Either that's pretty impressive on the piranha's part, or Ivette just admitted that she's dumber than a fish.

With Ivette out of the way, everyone could focus on Maggie, and it wasn't long before the nurse found herself cornered like many a piranha victim. Some nifty, zippy sound effects denoted that she indeed had nowhere else to turn, and a shocked Maggie stepped out of the competition. The rest of the event sped by in a series of cross-dissolves, and as Eric caught on to what was happening, he became increasingly irate. "Kaysar doesn't know how to throw a game," he sneered. "Howie was a part of what I call the evil empire," he also commented. Eric then charged the chess board, yelling "I HAVE A NORMAL SIZED PENIS!"

Actually, that didn't happen, but afterwards, when James had won the veto, Eric tried to contain his rage by offering up his usual phony compliments: "Nice job dudes. That was awesome." Let's hear it for the brothers! Maggie, meanwhile, pulled Kaysar to a corner and asked him WTF was going on. "You sealed my fate," she complained. "No. I sealed your partner's fate. I caught the bigger fish," replied Kaysar. I'm starting to believe Kaysar is simply a robot controlled by Hollywood screenwriters. Nearly everything he says seems to come directly from a political thriller or some police procedural. That's not to say I don't enjoy when he speaks. Quite the contrary. I love his dramatic comments, unlike Ivette's, who seems to pull random words and phrases from the dictionary and string them into a barely coherent syntax.

Speaking of Ivette, she was unsurprisingly babbling away in the kitchen when Maggie returned in shock and awe. The nurse revealed that Kaysar had just "tanked" the challenge on purpose, causing an irate Eric to charged into the backyard (for real this time) and demand that the HOH look into his (beady, little) eyes and tell him he was safe. Kaysar full on admitted that he was going to put Eric up instead, and in response, the stumpy fireman tried his hand at some clunky passive aggression: "Hey. Thanks for keeping your deal. Appreciate that." Nice sarcasm! Really effective. Maybe you should try some guilt though. Oooh, and maybe demean his religion too. "You swore your life on it. All right. I don't think that's in the Koran anywhere, but we'll go with it," said Eric, whose Bible CLEARLY condones character assassination, fighting, and of course swearing on one's children for the sake of winning a reality show.

"You're a dirty player," responded Kaysar. FINALLY. I thought no one would ever say it to him. Granted, Eric isn't the dirtiest player Big Brother has seen, but he's that obnoxious mix of self-righteousness and hypocrisy that always gets the blood boiling. Well, all heated from his exchange with Kaysar, Eric returned to the house pretending to be cool -- but not really. You know how that is: he'd fly off the handle but then add "but that's cool!" or "but that's okay!" at the end of every sentence. You're a real tool, Eric, but that's cool! Suddenly the bastion of levelheadedness, Ivette played referee by saying, "Let's not get nasty." She then added, "Hey, remember that time I made fun of Michael for having messed up teeth? Yeah, that was great. But seriously, let's not get nasty."

Despite Ivette's admonitions, Eric was on a tear. He ripped his Las Vegas Fireman's hat off of James, sneering, "And you can take that union hat off too!" Yeah, what an asshole James is. He had the nerve to "campaign" for "himself." Jerk. Seriously, what exactly did James do wrong here? I can understand Eric being mad at Kaysar or even Howie, but James? Was it because James campaigned against Eric? Because as far as I can remember, it was Eric who had first campaigned to keep James on the chopping block. Oh, was it that James broke the all-guys alliance? No, because Eric broke that alliance last week. Hmmm... What could have made Eric so mad? Oh, duh. Steroids. I totally forgot.

Anyway, Eric's baby-wants-his-bottle moment continued as he insisted, "I'm not upset." Yes, he's not upset at all, NOW GIVE ME MY HAT! Alas, he brought up the Koran again, and thankfully, Maggie reproached him by saying, "Leave religion out of this." Eric was inconsolable though. "Why? He's the one who brings it in all the time!" he responded. Yeah, Kaysar should really stop playing the religious card. Why does he have to rub it in everyone's faces by "praying" and "being a Muslim" and "having a name like 'Kaysar'?"

In case you thought this disaster was over, you'd be wrong. Cappy lashed out again, saying "No, I've said my piece. It's over. And Sarah, don't think I don't know you're with James either." But yeah, he's not upset. It's over. He has nothing left to say... ... ... (crickets chirping)... OH AND ANOTHER THING!!!!

Looks like someone just got hit by the Karma Boomerang

Okay, finally Eric went to his time-out corner, and the next day was the Veto Ceremony. After a decent little speech, James announced, "I'm choosing to use the veto nomination on myself." I'm not sure, but I think he just re-nominated himself. Actually no. What he meant to say was that he chose to use the power of veto (ahem, golden power of veto) on himself, which meant that Kaysar had to nominate Eric for eviction. And so ended a topsy-turvy episode which achieved every ounce of chaos we had hoped and prayed for. We knew Kaysar's nominations would shake things up, but I had no idea to what extent. Seeing Eric stuck on the chopping block was a fantastic way to close out the episode, thus providing another wonderful hairpin turn in television's twistiest series.

What did you think? Did Eric play his cards right? Did Kaysar play his cards right? And what about James?

Posted by at 3:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (96)

So, I hope that I succeeded in turning at least a few people on to the new season Battlestar Galactica. When you find your way into a new series that has such a cult following, it is sometimes a little easy to get lost trying to pull together the significance of every character. My suggestion is that anybody who is trying to get started is to let the show come to you. All of the important stuff will follow soon enough. Besides, it will just give you something to look forward to when you the first season DVD comes out or the inevitable SciFi marathon of the entire series airs.

When Commander Adama was shot during the last episode of the first season, we knew that they were going to find a way for him to survive. Edward James Olmos is just too big of an actor and too big of an anchor for the show to go so quickly. They are taking their sweet time bringing Adama back into any major role, but you can understand, as he is still breathing with a ventilator. In his place, Colonel Tigh has done a decent job, bringing some sort of order and at least keeping the fleet together.

Keeping the fleet together came at a price, however. After the fleet was scattered in the previous episode, the Galactica was forced to network their computers to accelerate the calculation of the the proper coordinates of the other ships. The Cylons sent a virus to attempt to gain control of the ship, but Gaeta built a firewall to prevent that from happening. The firewall held up and didn't let the virus gain control of the ship, but the virus still remained in the other computer systems, meaning it was still a danger to people on board.

The other problem with bringing the fleet back together was that the Cylons managed to crash a troop carrier into one of the hangar bays. Combined with the Cylon virus, you can see how things could get really screwed up in a really short amount of time, and that is exactly what happens. The virus causes several systems to shut down, allowing the Cylon Centurions to run amok. Apollo and some of the other Vipers (they are the little fighter spaceships that protect the fleet) crew are celebrating how awesome they are when they hear some shots.

Inevitably, they get into it with a Centurion, and the results aren't pretty. While a lot of the Cylons spend their time looking like humans, Centurions are just bad ass machines with lots of armor and lots of ammo, with a mission to kill. Apollo had just finished putting a full clip into one of the Centurions to no effect, and was preparing to die. Luckily, one of the ship's Marines blew the Cylon's head off with an explosive charge. Great news! Explosive charges can kill Cylons. Bad news! The marines are out of explosive charges.

As if the people on Galactica aren't having enough trouble, there are still people spread out across the Galaxy. On Caprica, it's Helo and Starbuck, combing through what is left of the planet of Caprica. For Helo, this is a huge event. What he thought was his only human contact since he originally crashed on Caprica was actually a Cylon who may or may not have actual feelings for him and also appears to be pregnant. He is excited to see Starbuck, but ashamed that he has fallen in love with a Cylon.

There has been some debate out there as to whether the Cylons actually want to destroy us. You know, some believe that if the humans only took time to understand their enemy, maybe there could be peace. That idea will probably go out the window after the survivors of the colonies discover the people who made it through the nuclear attack on earth were rounded up and taken to mass incinerators. Explains why there is almost nobody in the street. They are definitely not planning on sticking around, but are in search of something better than their two feet to get around. Luckily, it looks like Kara knows the area quite well.

I thought this was the weakest part of the episode. We go to Starbuck's apartment, which just happens to be within walking distance of wherever they were stranded. Oh look, she is an artist! She wants to listen to some music that is performed by her dead father. Luckily, she didn't pay the electric bill so there are plenty of batteries around. She waxes on about what her life has become since the attacks. You know, she knows nothing else except fighting, but maybe now she just wants to live for living's sake. Top notch filler that was added, at least in my mind, because they needed some clips to send to the Emmys. How else can you explain the orchestra in the background?

OK, I get it, Caprica is destroyed, your life has changed. Is this different much different from what the hell has been going on lately? This scene does have an end, when Starbuck reveals that she has keys to a car. And don't you think that since they have a handle on the whole "space flight" thing and can travel faster than light, they might be able to imagine a flying car? No, either they don't have them, Kara's too cheap, or the production messed up, because Helo and Starnbuck pile into a Humvee (not an H2) and roll along their way. Unless they find something else on Caprica, it's outlived its usefulness and they should just get these people back home.

We also must not forget the people on Kobol. Remember when I discussed how there was a debate about the true intentions of the Cylons? Well, I hope you remember, because I just made that point in the last paragraph. Anyway, one of the reasons for that is the relationship between Six and Dr. Baltar. They had a relationship on Caprica before he knew she was a Cylon, and she continues to appear to him in dreams. While she may not exactly be a completely benevolent character, she does have quite the effect on him. He has inspired him to do some good things, and some bad, but one of the more curious parts of their relationship came about after the crash on Kobol.

Six has a prophetic way of speaking, and is always mentioning God. The humans in the series believe in many Gods, while the Cylons, at least the humanoid ones, speak of one God. Six is especially spiritual, and she is always talking about the things to come, and one of those things is her baby, which is also Baltar's baby. For two races that are sworn enemies, there seems to be plenty of people in the mood for lovin. Baltar, by the way, is definitely the kind of moron that has sex to Journey.

Baltar is very interested in the things to come, and is constantly daydreaming. During his latest daydream, he imagines that everybody is being rescued, that nobody has died, and that he is holding his baby. Adama comes to take a look at the baby, asks to hold it, then drowns it in the river. I thought he was going to pull a Moses and let the baby float along with the reeds, but Adama did what the Pharaoh never could do and got rid of the little bastard before the plagues hit the Galactica. Or something. When Baltar wakes up, he is visibly shaken. Six is by his side, and he is somewhere far away from the landing party. He tells her of the dream, and she says that Adama won't hurt their baby, as long as Gaius does something to stop it. What he'll have to do, we can only guess. It may be difficult since A) he is stranded on a remote planet and B) Adama is dying anyway.

Let my people go...

There is still the problem with all of those Cylons on Galactica though, remember? Apollo has taken the marines and crew that he has towards a nearby ammunition depot in order to get some more explosive rounds. On the way there, they stop by at the cell where the President is being held. Apollo tells the officer guarding the President about the Cylons and that they really should head for safety, ie away from all of the gunfire. At first, that sounds like a good plan, but the Cylons are shooting up anything and everything in their path, so the results aren't quite what they expected.

While heading towards sick bay, which is considered safe because it was designed for disasters, they happen upon some of the crew's quarters, and the Cylons have already been there, and killed almost all of them. The only one who is alive is Dee Dualla, which is great news to President Roslin's aide Billy. Billy is like the Karl Rove of the Roslin administration, and since he is only in his 20s and kind of a pussy, he is more like a makin' copies, takin' dictation type of aide. He and Dualla have sort of a relationship which is strained, as you might imagine, because his boss is constantly at odds with her boss. But again, with most of the known human population already dead, you get what you can find, so Dualla finds something in Billy to love, even though we don't know why.

My point (and I do have a point), is that earlier Billy and Dee had a little bit of a falling out. He really isn't working at the relationship, other than looking to grab a little smooch every now and then. But there's nothing that brings people together like sharing a moment of duress, and trying to outrun the Cylons is a good amount of duress. She is vulnerable (from a concussion), and he is there to show some TLC. How very perfect. Apollo had even given him a gun earlier, so he shows how much of a man he is by holstering it in his pants. Thankfully, Dualla isn't so out of it that she is able to let Billy know that the safety is off, which means he might blow his balls off. Thinking she might have use for them later, she turns the safety on and they all get on their way, although they will have to take an alternate route to sick bay because of the gunfire.

Old joke: Is that a gun in your pants or...well, you know the rest.

So, we're heading towards secondary damage (it might have been "auxiliary damage control," but that is not important), but guess who else is heading there? That's right, the President and her party. There were a couple of doors that were shut off, preventing them from passing, which meant they were actually heading directly into the Cylon shit storm and not away from it. Apollo and the marines make it to the place in question first, and then barricade themselves in waiting for the Cylons. As the last two Centurions are coming down the corridor, Billy, not realizing the marines were close, tries to fire on them. He nearly gets everybody shot, but it also distracts the Cylons enough for Apollo's team to take one of them out. The last one heads for the ammo depot, having shot most of the other people and incapacitated them, but Apollo is able to reload and blow its head off just as it is about to get to him.

Whoa! Apollo saved the day. Never saw that coming, did you? All kidding aside, the ship was safe and everybody is in sick bay. Billy visits Dee, and decides to give her a sponge bath...with his tongue! OK, so that was obviously coming. The rest are standing around Adama. The doctor is on his way, so with things calming down, Tigh sends the President back to her cell, and tells Apollo he is not fit to wear the uniform (for siding with the president against his father). Apollo basically tells Tight the same, and that when his dad gets better, he will decide what to do with them.

What did you think of the episode? Will the people on Kobol or Caprica ever find their way back?

Posted by at 12:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Well, we were down to the final three on last night's episode of Hell's Kitchen, and for once, the aspiring chefs were evaluated based on their cooking skills, not just their efficiency on the line. Each baby-Ramsey had to design an entrée which would be graded by the diners. Whoever had the highest marks would move onto the next round. Isn't this what the show should have been all the while? Anyway, I've learned not to question the logic in Hell's Kitchen. I just accept it, lest I deflate the pop cultural soufflé that is Gordon Ramsey.

Last night's episode began with Jessica narrowly avoiding elimination to Elsie. As she and the gang headed back into the dorms, the narrator dependably piped up by saying, "After two weeks of being close to elimination, Jessica is relieved to be part of the final three." Funny, I didn't detect a note of relief when Jessica gushed, "I'm here, and I'm so ecstatic to be here. I think it's the happiest I've been. I mean, making it to the final three is absolutely amazing." Again, good work, narrator.

That night, the three partied with some champagne left to them by the producers. Jessica tossed back one too many glasses of the bubbly and wound up falling off the backyard hammock. I don't know how it happened, but I like to think the hammock ejected her in a rebellious fit against all the chubby people stretching it down (ahem, Dewberry). Ralph, meanwhile, revealed to us his nickname for Michael: "Spider." It's funny, because Michael's nickname for Ralph is "fat balding man with a boner."

Anyway, after some spirited partying, everyone went to sleep, but at 3:49 AM, the phone in the kitchen rang. Turns out it was Gordon calling to say there was an emergency. Oh no! Did someone die?? Worse. THERE WAS NO BREAD! Allegedly the bakery couldn't deliver its loaves and buns (and by "couldn't," I mean "was told not to"); so the lowly chefs would have to rise early and get bakin'.

Unfortunately, when Michael tried to wake everyone up, no one believed that Ramsey was waiting out in the kitchen at 4:00 AM. Ralph simply flailed his paw about while Jessica took a more aggressive approach and tried to tackle Michael (but not before she liberally scratched her ass though). Luckily, sous chef Scott poked his growly head in the room, causing Ralph to immediately apply his ass-kissing smile and pop out of bed like a sexually excited bunny.

From Jessica's ass to your dinner, the hands that feed the masses!

In the kitchen, Gordon had news. "Hell's Kitchen is in high demand!" From who exactly? People who like their food poorly cooked and slow to arrive? Nevertheless, G-Ram announced that there would be another dinner service THAT NIGHT! Holy Moly! I need some narrator explanation: "Tonight's dinner service will mark the first time ever that Hell's Kitchen is opening two nights in a row." Wow. It's almost like a REAL RESTAURANT!

Well, because of the aforementioned bakery bust, the kiddos had to spend the early hours of the morning baking bread. Unfortunately for Jessica, she was still a bit pooped and opted to take a nap on the counter. I can't be positive, but I'm pretty sure that having her stanky-ass chef's jacket and nasty pajama pants on the cutting board is NOT sanitary. Luckily, she moved into the bedroom where she caught a few more ZZZs. Ralph, meanwhile, amped himself up by doing some pushups in the kitchen. Wonderful. That would be particularly impressive if he were in a boxing match, NOT BAKING DINNER ROLLS!

Finally, when all the baking was done, everyone went back to bed and caught about two hours of shut-eye before the show's obligatory hottie, Maryann, busted into the dorms and woke everyone up with a triangle. Time to get back to work, slackers. Gordon summoned everyone into the kitchen and announced the big twist for that evening's dinner service. "All three of you are going to come up with a new, exciting, creative, INSPIRATIONAL DISH!" he said intensely. That's right. BE INSPIRATIONAL, DAMMIT!

Before they could BE INSPIRATIONAL though, the cooks had to endure another of Gordon's challenges (which by the way, tend to be my favorite part of the show). Tonight, Gordon announced that this was his favorite challenge. Oooh! And what is your favorite challenge, Gordo? "The perfect soufflé." We then cut to Spartan Spirit cheerleaders Craig and Arianna. "You know what this game needs, Craig?" THE PERFECT SOUFFLÉ!

Anyway, Gordon told the chefs that they had ten minutes to make the perfect soufflé. "Be creative and be original," he added. We then cut to Ralph licking his lips and saying, "A white peach and ribeye soufflé! With maybe a touch of shrimp and apple!" Actually, Ralph stayed pretty conservative as he whipped up a chocolate, hazelnut, and mint confection. The narrator, meanwhile, noted that "These three finalists must rise to the occasion." Ah. soufflé humor. The best.

After ten minutes, everyone handed over their soufflés to be put in the oven. Ramsey gushed, "When they work, it's a dream come true." Well, that is if you dream of soufflés. Anyhoo, once the desserts were all ready, G-Ram had a tasting. Jessica's was so bad that the master chef actually had to laugh. "That's pretty shitty. That is the worst soufflé I've ever tasted," he said, apparently never having enjoyed my homemade twigs, lint, and dirt soufflé. It's a classic.

The other two contestants received mixed reviews, but in the end, Gordon selected Ralph as the winner. Boom! Instant boner! In an interview, Ralph noted, "I've been laying low with all these challenges." Suuuuure. I guess we'll just overlook all those times you cursed and banged dishware in frustration. That was all an act, right? As for his big prize, Ralph got to choose whether he wanted his dish that night to be beef, chicken, or tuna. Awwww shit! Gordon just played him! Ralph thought he was going to go on a helicopter ride or a movie premiere, and instead, he got stuck with a lame-ass reward. Oh SNAP! Instant boner deflation.

Anyway, Ralph chose beef, Michael chose tuna, and Jessica was stuck with boring old chicken. The group then spent the rest of the morning designing their dishes, with Ralph opting to serve a filet mignon. WHOA! Now THAT is exciting, creative, and inspirational!!! Say it again? Filet mign-- mign-- mign-what? It's such a unique and original idea, I don't know how to say it!

Well, Jessica struggled greatly designing her dish but eventually settled on a stuffed chicken breast with goat cheese and herbs wrapped in prosciutto. Funny story: my spellcheck doesn't recognize the word "prosciutto." Instead, it suggests "prostitute," which would really bring a whole new dimension to Jessica's dish. As for Michael, his big original dish was a sesame-crusted filet of tuna (no way!) served with a lobster paella.

After all the hype, the dinner service finally began, and unbeknownst to the finalists, their families were all present up in the balcony. This afforded us the opportunity to meet Ralph's bubbly fiancé appropriately named Buffy. She kind of looked like a blonde-haired, big-breasted version of Ralph. Needless to say, it was a bit disarming.

Elsewhere in the restaurant, a woman nearly wet herself with Ralph's steak. "This is orgasmic," she moaned, grossing out her friends. Another lady had equally high praise for Jessica's chicken, saying, "I'm liking this. They did an awesome job on this chicken." Unfortunately, no one shared the love for Michael, whose tuna was received with "I don't like this at all. I don't want this on my plate." Upstairs, in the VIP (read: family) section, Buffy (who talks like a six year-old) declared that she didn't mind the steak and that she didn't mind the tuna. What about the chicken? Buffy stuffed a piece into her mouth, paused, and then spat it out into a napkin. CLASSY!

Buffy The Chicken Slayer prefers to spit.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Jessica found herself overwhelmed -- as usual -- as she tried to cook up her chicken dishes and the desserts. I couldn't help wondering why the hell she was on soufflé duty after having served up the worst soufflé G-Ram had ever tasted? Oh that's right. Because Michael and Ralph are IDIOTS. Well, after slipping and sliding and knocking over a few plates, Jessica finally committed the "cardinal sin" (according to the narrator) of Hell's Kitchen. Oh no...she murdered someone! How awful! Oh, wait, never mind. Apparently murder wasn't the cardinal sin. But asking Gordon for help was, and that's exactly what Jessica did. "For god's sake!" replied Gordon angrily, adding, "What the hell do I look like? A CHEF???"

As the night wound down, the most popular dish was Ralph's filet mignon, with Jessica's coming in second, and Michael's third. Plus, for once it actually appeared as though Gordon would not have to SHUT IT DOWN. Ralph and Michael finally came to Jessica's aid and helped push out some last desserts (which resulted in a kiss on the cheek for JP from some drunk, horny, older woman), and for the first time ever, Hell's Kitchen completed a whole kitchen service. Congratu-fluck-ulations. Now you're almost as competent as Applebees.

Well, having reached this seminal point, Gordon rallied the troops for a little pep talk: "Well done! Bloody well done!" Tina Turner then busted through the wall, singing "You're simply the best! Better than all the rest!" Actually, that didn't happen, but the three aspiring restauranteurs departed for half an hour and then returned to the kitchen where the narrator announced, "With only two hours of sleep in nearly two days, the final three is about to become the final two." Really??? There's an elimination? Oh. My. God. Why didn't anyone ever tell me this??

Actually, this elimination was different from all the rest. First, Gordon was all smiles and giddy. He was just so darned proud of his underlings. Second, there was an audience. That's right, Gordon invited out all the families. Michael's wife and in-laws came out and yada yada yada, everyone hugged and teared up. Next, Gordon announced that Jessica's mother, sister, and girlfriend Courtney were there. Wait, wait. Jessica has a girlfriend? You mean, she's a lesbian? Whoa, I just have no gaydar. Anyway, Jessica's girlfriend came out and, you know, she was really old and dowdy. Oh wait, that was Jessica's mom. Never mind.

Last up was Ralph's family which featured Big Buffy, Momma Ralph, and Uncle Richard. With a friendly smile on his face, Gordon greeted the guests warmly (WTF??) and then announced that they'd be ranking which dishes they had liked the most. Buffy, meanwhile, took this time to sign out "I love you" in her secret BuffySign language. She then spat up more chicken onto her bib.

Hey Buffy, how do you sign "SHUT THE HELL UP!"?

Anyway, it was time for the results. The tuna was the most popular dish, receiving votes from Buffy, Ralph's mom, Uncle Richard, Courtney, and Michael's mother-in-law. The beef came in second place with votes from Jessica's mom, Michael's wife, and Michael's father-in-law. Alas, poor Jessica only received one vote, and it came from her sister Bonnie. With that, Gordon gently swung the ax, saying "Darling, please give me your jacket." And because Gordon is never afraid to lay on the schmaltz, he added, "You have every reason to smile because you've been amazing. And I mean that." Finally, Gordon summed up by saying, "Strong, clever, feisty, and never short of a word. I like that in a woman." To which Jessica replied, "Me too."

After a long kiss and hug, Jessica finally departed (through the front door, no less!), and we were left with our two finalists: Ralph and Michael. So two professional cooks make it to the finals. I never would have guessed! Who's cuisine will reign supreme? Will it be the modern Los Angeles fare of Michael or the classic New York style of Ralph? ALLEZ CUISINE!

What did you think? Are you happy with the finalists?

Posted by at 6:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (29)

Anyway, we recently received an e-mail that we just had to share. You see, Bunim-Murray wants help deciding who is going to be in the next version of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge, but instead of just having the viewers pick teams between Good and Bad, you will get a chance to go up against the very best and brightest of the Bunim-Murray Crew. That's right, it's a casting call to be on the Challenge.

More details and the official e-mail after the jump.

Here's the deal: there have been a lot of people out there that look at the challenges and say "I can do that" and really, exactly how hard can it be to sit around a huge house, get drunk, and splash in the pool all day? 45 minutes to an hour of physical exertion for that privilege is nothing, right? If this sounds like something you want to do, the first casting is this Saturday in New York City. The rules are simple: you need to be between 18 and 25, have a picture ID, and bring a recent picture of yourself (you won't get it back). It all takes place at Tonic, 727 7th Ave., New York NY 10019. You can also send your auditions in by mail if you can't make it to New York.

Rachel and Veronica won't be there, but that doesn't mean you can't get a piece of Tina.

The full details are below:

MTV’s “THE REAL WORLD/ROAD RULES CHALLENGE”

IS LOOKING FOR FRESH MEAT FOR SEASON 12

Bunim-Murray Productions Dares New York-Area Fans to Try Out For “The Challenge” Saturday, July 30th from 10AM to 5PM

Do you love a Challenge? Are you the kind of person who thinks that the thrill of competition makes bungee-jumping, mountain climbing, or rappelling down a 200-foot waterfall even better? Do you have the brains and the brawn to dominate over favorite Real World and Road Rules veterans like The Miz, Coral, Dan and Julie?

If the thought of extreme competition for cash and prizes gets your blood flowing, we want you to be a part of “The Real World/Road Rules Challenge.” For the first time ever, we’re daring our viewers to go head-to-head with veteran Real World and Road Rules all-stars in the most exciting Challenge yet!

“For the 12th season of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge, we are looking for some fresh meat to test our veteran cast members,” said Sasha Alpert, Senior Casting Producer, Bunim-Murray Productions. “It’s time to give all those young, strong and adventurous viewers at home the opportunity to take The Challenge.”

Veteran Challenge cast member Abram taunted, “You think you can beat me? I’ll eat you for breakfast! I dare you to try to take me on!” Abram has appeared on Road Rules South Pacific, and four seasons of The Challenge.

Still think you have what it takes? If so, on July 30th, 2005 from 10AM to 5PM, Casting Directors from Bunim-Murray Productions, producers of the perennial hit MTV show “The Real World/Road Rules Challenge” will be holding an open casting call at Tonic, 727 7th Ave., New York NY 10019. Applicants must be 18 to 25 years of age and are asked to bring a recent picture of themselves (which will not be returned) and photo ID. Additional information available online at www.bunim-murray.com.

“The Real World,” “Road Rules” and “The Real World/Road Rules Challenge” were created for MTV by Jon Murray and Mary-Ellis Bunim of Bunim-Murray Productions. The company is widely credited with inventing the modern reality television genre with these hit series.

Posted by at 3:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

My recapping schedule is all messed up, mostly due to the fact that last night I wound up knee-deep in another reality star party. This time, however, I was actually invited, courtesy of our friends at E! Entertainment. J-Unit sadly couldn't make the trek, but I happened to have had two buddies with me at the time, and with camera in hand, we happily crashed (but not really, again -- invitation) the soirée.

What was the occasion? Why, the premiere of Kill Reality, of course! Don't worry, there'll be a full recap of that too (and Hell's Kitchen). But for now, check out these sweet-ass photos I took (okay, they're actually fairly lame. Eh, I tried my best).

Anyway, I didn't wind up taking too many photos, despite all the TVgasm targets around. For some reason, it just didn't seem appropriate. No one else seemed to be taking pictures; if I really wanted a shot, I pretty much had to ask for it, and honestly, I couldn't muster up the insincerity to say, "Hey Jonny Fairplay! Big fan! Can I take a picture with you?"

I did, however, get a few people to smile for the camera, but that's only because they already knew me. The rest of the shots were dimly-lit, long-distance candids that required some Photoshop assistance for presentation.

As for the stories, well, would it be totally shocking if I said there were no stories? Because there weren't. I don't know what was going on. Let's see...Tijuana Bradley from Survivor: Pearl Islands knocked into me, spilling my drink. Um...Ron Jeremy was there, but he sat in a corner the entire time and didn't talk to anyone. Let's see, let's see...oh, Pamela from The Apprentice squeezed my shoulders when she tried to get by me (yeah, scraping the barrel here). Actually, at one point I did find myself standing next to The Scorned director Robert Kubilos, which was awesome because I've always had so many questions about Girls Gone Wild: Spring Break, Anything Goes!, but for some reason, I got crazy cold feet. Oh well. Let's just look at the pictures.

Two of our hosts for the evening, the infuriatingly photogenic Josh and Erika from Big Brother. I've known these two for a little while now, and they're really, really nice people. What? I'm not allowed to be friendly?

A stage? A spotlight? Toni Ferarri is THERE!

Good ole Rob Cesternino. I only met him for the first time last night, but he's pretty funny. And he was wasted, in case you couldn't tell.

Toni attempts to wrestle Tonya Cooley for a larger role in The Scorned...

...but a roving TV camera luckily distracts her away.

TVgasm accomplice Secret Asian Man poses for the camera. But wait! Who's that in the background??

Why, it's Jenna Lewis and Steven Hill! Looks like "Trishelle's table scraps" are good enough for her!

Now I pose for the camera. And wouldn't you know it? Look who's behind me!

It's Reichen! And yes, I immediately felt very un-pretty.

And that's all I have. Weak, I know. Thanks to E! and The Fishbowl for hosting the big bash.

Posted by at 1:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

[by Guest Columnist Erica; you can read her blog at ihearttv.blogspot.com]

It fascinates me that Sean Hayes, star of Will & Grace, is out there promoting his new show Situation: Comedy just as W & G is facing scorn and criticism over its 15 Emmy nominations. Nearly every article I read about the Emmys sees W & G as a show past its prime and undeserving of such accolades, yet we now have poor Sean Hayes holding himself up as an arbiter of television taste. Situation: Comedy.

Sit:Com features Sean Hayes (an Emmy Award-winner for his portrayal of Jack) and his producing partner Todd Milliner in a show that's exactly like Project: Greenlight, but with a sitcom instead of a movie. In a TV Guide interview, Hayes claims that "the execution is different," but I don't know if I believe him. Ultimately, viewers will see pilot episodes from the two finalists and vote on a winner that will have a chance of being picked up by NBC.

Will the contestants on Sit:Com take the (boring) high road of the first two seasons of Project: Greenlight? Will they come up with the next Everybody Loves Raymond? (Let's hope not.) I was pretty down on this show until I dug around on the website and discovered that the two finalists will have their pilots directed by Fred Savage (The Wonder Years) and Amanda Bearse (Married with Children). I might have to watch just to see Kevin Arnold and Marcy Rhodes duke it out - clothing optional, of course.

Posted by at 1:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

I paid a little more attention to the creepy opening montage this week and noticed that the Jose Canseco caricature is standing next to a "Juice stand" and drinking "juice." Now that's funny...touché Surreal Life opening montage-maker! The show began bright and early with Janice getting her hair and make-up done by her "two little lesbians" as she calls them. Yes, Janice forced the producers to allow her two miracle workers to work on her every day. Why "miracle workers?" Because they somehow make that old crow look human every day, that’s why. Even though the house has its very own make-up room for Janice, she insists on using the communal bathroom. This causes much friction, as Janice's entourage takes up the whole room. At one point, Omarosa was applying some mousse and the bottle made a loud noise. Apparently, Janice is terrified of mousse bottles as she overreacted ridiculously - physically recoiling as though a real moose had just appeared from behind the door. "I thought that noise was coming out of her ass," she warbled. Disregarding her idiocy (as we're now becoming used to it), who knew you had to use mousse on a weave?

The "Surreal Times" arrived with the news not being so good for the more modest among the gang. They would be performing a burlesque show in front of a live crowd. "No! No! No! No!" Balki started screaming in horror. "No! No! No! No!" America started screaming in complete agreement. Although I have to admit - I'd have loved to have seen the distinct hoof-patterned scars on his upper thighs and lower abdomen as a result of his years of sheep fu--- uh, let's just say "sheepskin rug" has a whole different meaning to Balki. Just as I was about to change the channel to avoid seeing his grotesque body, we learned that Balki would be the emcee. Phew.

Jose, Caprice, and Janice would comprise "America the Bootyfull" and Pepa, Carey, and Omarosa would strip as "The Westward Ho's." Like you, I had forgotten who Carey was or why he was on the show. He's Pink's boyfriend and a professional motocross badboy who looks like 12 prisoners held him down and used him as a practice template for homemade prison tattoos. Jose was to play George Washington - or should I say, Dr. Frank N Furter Washington. I'm not sure when it was decided that our country's first president wore garters, lipstick, and panties, but whatever.

Kitten Demillo showed up to teach the Lifers the "art" of burlesque. I've learned that "burlesque" is what old hags do whereas "stripping" is what young sluts do. Me-likey the stripping a whole lot better. Janice Dickinson (World's First Supermodel), however, likes neither. "I'm reticent about burlesque because I'm a parent." I hate the World's First Supermodel more and more every week. She can call Down's Syndrome kids "retard" to their face, she can flirt by showing her moonscaped ass left and right, she can write books in which she happily discusses banging every guy under the sun and doing every drug ever invented - but she can't get in a bikini for 3 seconds on a VH1 show. Riiiight. How about the fact that she's had so much plastic surgery that her chest probably has a gaping hole through which we could see her cold black heart - and she's just a tad bit touchy about that.

No one else seemed to mind the task, especially Pepa who aggressively tore Omarosa's top right off. Funny that with Jose and Omarosa in the house, there were two sets of "bitch tits." Ha ha ha, get it? Cause he, like, did steroids and she's, um, a bitch. Sigh. Anyway, after some practice, they all piled into the van and drove off to the club. As exciting as all this sounds, I have to say that it wasn't exciting at all. Once at the club, they practiced their routines some more and The World's First Supermodel declared, "F*ck it! I quit." Janice was upset because the mere suggestion that she practice was offensive to her Supermodel-ness. Balki, never one to miss a creepy sexual predator opportunity, immediately engulfed Janice in his humpy hug. She is such an annoying mess - I have so much more respect for Tyra now that I know what she had to put up with through 4 seasons of Top Model. It was all a show for the cameras - her crying, her ranting, and her threats to go home. I was happy to see Jose and Caprice completely ignore her immaturity and simply practice their routine without her.

The Westward Ho's took to the stage next and did their little thing. It was fine for what it was but Janice had to give her opinion. "Omarosa looked like Mr. Ed on crack." That really made no sense and was completely unwarranted...but since I hate Omarosa too, I still liked it. A corny ColecoVision-looking "applause-o-meter" on the screen determined the Ho's the "winners" and then everyone went home. I don't know what they won, but let's hope Pepa got her tiny little trophy that she tried so hard to win last week. In spite of her competition being retarded kids. Hey - Pepa wants her 2-dollar trophy, okay?

Back at the house, Omarosa gets a phone call telling her that someone has died. Before Janice knew what was going on, she called Omarosa a "crazy psycho bitch" for not allowing her to use the phone right away. After some initial words, Janice offers an apology and they move forward. But before they could exchange addresses for their Christmas card lists, Balki and Omarosa confront her about the two makeup guys who take up the bathroom every morning. They politely suggested that she use the special makeup room the producers built for her instead. "I can't. The microfibers from the new paint cut both of my eyelids."

For the first time in 3 episodes I concurred with Balki when he said to Janice, "You're an idiot." Then the thought occurred to me, "Hey, wait a minute...is he talking to me for watching this show?!

Posted by at 10:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (20)

Having seen the previews and having read the show's title ("I Just Stabbed Myself"), I had slightly higher hopes for The Cut last week. I knew it was going to be a really wild show with crazy rock and rollers, drunkenness, and with a bit of luck, Crazy Jeff stabbing himself to death. Ok, "to death" is a bit harsh - but it sure reads better than "stabbing himself to critical but stable condition." Before we got to the fun stuff, though, we had to review the devastation James' dismissal caused after last Style Forum. Everyone liked James. Hell, I even liked James! The Cutters couldn't believe HALfiger-9000 had a 404 Error and sent the wrong person home. Everyone would be on their toes from this point forward, that's for sure.

The producers unveiled a new HALfiger action figure this week, resplendent in leather jacket, jeans, and tough-guy construction boots (none of which looked the slightest bit worn). This new "Rock 'N Roll HAL-figure" addressed the gang from the world famous stage of CBGB's in Manhattan's Lower East Side. This legendary club is currently going through some major financial trouble and its' future is up in the air. I'm guessing the only reason they let a tool like Rock 'N Roll HAL-figure use its space is because CBS ponied up a hundred grand or so. Rock 'N Roll HAL-figure reminisced about his exciting days of yore. Once again, it was actually a potentially very interesting story, but HALfiger still does not have emotion programmed into his circuits so it - as always - sucked.

HALfiger recounted the 70's punk rock days, dredging up references to the New York Dolls and the Sex Pistols. I particularly liked how he told the Cutters to "think about" those bands - if only we could actually see what they were thinking about at that moment: Jeff was dreaming of pubescent blond teens dressed up like dolls in New York, Princess was dreaming of a vulgar poem about sex and pistols, and Rob was thinking about painting some shirts. Honestly, did any of the Cutters have any clue about the punk scene of the late 70's? Only a few of them were even old enough at that time to have been aware, and something tells me they weren't exactly hip to it.

The challenge this week was for the teams to design a look for an unknown NYC rock band. Tommy explained that these bands had their own ideas on fashion, but they needed direction to develop a unique "branded" style. Because, you know, talent doesn't mean shit these days. Furthermore, each team would have to live with their band for a day and immerse themselves in their lives to get a clearer picture of what they needed. With that in mind, Wes and Liz picked their teams. Wes chose Deanna, Felix, Shauna, and Rob. Liz took Chris, Jeff, Jess, and Princess. Just as I finished writing that sentence it hit me again - there's still a woman named "Princess" on TV show. And it's not a cartoon. The teams had 24 hours to complete their mission at which time each band would perform at CBGB's and they'd be judged. Not for their musical chops but by their outfits alone. (Hey, Ryan Starr, this is the show you should have been on! Your tattered rags would have been all the rage!) It must be noted that 24 hours hence would be 10 o'clock. In the AM. At CBGB's. On a weekday. Man, whatta gig!

The bands were "Unisex Salon" and "God or Julie." Unfortunately, these lame names became this week's team names too. Wes and his Team Unisex Salon drove out to Brooklyn to meet the band. The band seemed rather nonplussed about being on TV, and came off as boring and bland as a bunch of unemployed talentless hacks could be. Wes noted that the Asian girl in the band was a "cutie patootie." If Wes is still trying to mask his homosexuality, using Rosie O'Donnellisms isn't the best option. Just sayin...

No effect...

Each team hung out with their bands for a few minutes and then was off to the store to buy some new outfits. They were faced with some serious challenges because both bands were rather reluctant to adopt the wannabe stylist's visions. Gina, the Asian girl from Unisex Salon, was just not digging Wes's ideas about a "tie skirt." The entire God of Julie band was completely unwilling to bend from their "black t-shirt and jeans" motif. Christ, just throw on some white ties with that and now you're the Hives. HALfiger sure as hell isn't aware of that fleeting Scottish band, he'd love the look, and you still get to wear all black for the most part. How hard was that? Apparently it was very hard for both teams, as they each struggled on their respective shopping trips.

Unisex Salon had 5 band members, so each Cutter was more or less responsible for a person. God or Julie had only 4 members, so one Cutter would have to figure out how to shine without a person to dress. Gee, let's see...who will be the person who would have no one to dress? Hmmmm...Jeff? Of course. Mr. Useless continued his useless ways and did absolutely nothing at the store. Ok, that's not true. He once again provided unintentional humor by picking up some black Ramones t-shirts staying, "This would be hot, right?" Upon being told that no, actually, that wouldn't be such a good look, he shot back, "But the Ramones play there every week!" Liz, tired of being his coddling mommy, gently reminded Jeff that "they are dead."

After some initial struggles, each team finally spent some money on clothes and made their way back to their respective band's lofts. Whoa! Team Unisex Salon stumbled into a pathetic display of forced debauchery. There were about 20 goofballs running around spilling beer all over each other and yelling like frat boys at a big football game for no reason. Each edit showed another buffoon showering his mates with a fountain of beer spray from his mouth. I cringed as I could envision the crew saying, "3, 2, 1... Annnnnnnd, ACTION" before each craaaaaaaaaaazy scene. The poor Cutters had to work in this absurd atmosphere, trying to get the drunken rockers to try on outfits and then make the proper adjustments. Shauna, the old bat with the ever-present fur coat, was thoroughly disgusted and retreated upstairs to work the sewing machine. The others attempted to party with the nutbags but when the lead singer destroyed a table, threw beer all over, and declared, "YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" I think they'd had enough. Each Cutter ignored the faux-mayhem and got to work on the outfits. And yes, Rob Walker busted out his fabric paints and spent an hour or two painting a hot pink guitar on a denim jacket. As lame as Unisex Salon (the band) is, Rob's foo-foo jacket was even lamer. Sheesh... As it's painfully apparent this is all Rob Walker is capable of, why is he still on this show? Why was he even cast for this show?

The next morning dawned bright and early and hangovers be damned - it was time to get the bands ready. Team God or Julie unveiled their black t-shirts and black shiny jeans look. All that was missing was white pancake makeup and black eye shadow. The band hated the shiny jeans so Chris spent all morning "distressing" them to no avail. Team Unisex Salon had convinced their band to trust their fashion sense a bit more and their outfits had a bit more flair. Gina, the Asian girl, even came to like new look (though she did tell Rob his little pink guitar painting was horrible). After some drama about a missing Unisex Salon band member, both teams made their ways to CBGB's.

Helloooooo Cleveland!

Anyway, HALfiger was able to finally figure out that Jeff didn't do a damn thing and called him into the pit. He brought Liz in as well, but focused squarely on Jeff's ineptitude. I didn't really pay too much attention at this point, but I did note that in his own defense, Jeff stated that he contributed by being "way cooler" than the rest. This brilliant piece of non-logic seemed to almost fry HALfiger's circuits, since they weren't designed for such an inane defense. However, justice prevailed and one of the more dislikable and delusional cast members of all the summer reality shows was finally sent home. Not content to go quietly into the night, Jeff paused to tell us that he "really expected to win." He "wants to live to make Tommy regret his decision." Is he gonna go all Andrew Cunanan on him?

Posted by at 9:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Last night’s Six Feet Under is an attention-starved watercooler’s dream. For those of you that missed it because you were out drinking on a Sunday night, might I suggest reassessing what it is you're trying to escape from, and beginning where it no doubt hurts the most: Your childhood. For the rest of you out there that are like me, leaning against your husband (the stuffed kind that's almost as good as the real thing) in mismatched socks, eating Triscuits three at a time, might I suggest keeping some water nearby? I had few close calls last night, and rather than getting some Crystal Lite to wash it down, I just spewed sawdust all over my floor and continued ad nauseum. But hey, at least I’m not married to that bitch Vanessa -- Am I right? Am I right? Rico, baby, my pasta ain’t too salty, if you’re catchin’ what I’m throwin.

For those of you planning on corseting up later and HBO-Demanding this episode thanks to the wonders of dreknology (shout out to Mad Magazine), you may not want to spoil your soil by clicking ahead, you pussy.

Seeing as this is the last season of Six Feet Under, I was surprised at how these past few episodes have been lackin zazz, zazz being a non-existent word for “plot-twists.” Well, last night I was zazzed so hard I can hardly walk today, not to mention create coherent metaphors.

So where are we so far in the season? Brenda is pregnant with a baby girl that will no doubt be born with fetal alcohol syndrome (no offense to longfaces reading this out there or my future children), Ruth dumped Crazy Old Farmer Hoggett, resident artiste Claire has fallen prey to reality and has turned corporate (what WHAT!), the gays have adopted two hoodlum sons who are being forced to suckle from non-lactating teets, Billy’s the missing link, and Rico’s wife apparently has a vagina made out of razor blades.

But rather than recap the episode, which is nearly impossible considering I’m at work and lack the proper equipment, let me pull up the major discussion points on my old fashioned “On Demand” system known as my brain and see where you stand, my lovely readers. Here are my thoughts.

First of all, is it just me, or did Ed Begley Jr. kinda jump out of the woodwork? I mean, I know he’s been on a previous episode, but the next thing I know he’s making out with Ruth. I found this highly suspect. Also, just when you think Begley’s career is on a post-“She-Devil” up-and-up, you remember his cameo on Arrested Development with a certain singer whose name is Liza Minelli.

Moving on, why is Brenda such a cunt? It was nice to see her boss finally tell her like it is, but seriously, Bren? Rinse your mouth out with douche and take a good look at your husband. You can thank the casting department for that, he’s way out of your league.

And while we all knew where his relationship “Nightmare Before Christmas” Maggie Sibley was headed. Even still, I literally covered my eyes with my blanket when they first began to make it. I do like them as a couple, however, so it was nice to see them consummate what wasn’t being said for so many episodes.

I find watching David’s parenting skills extremely annoying and uneffective. I find Keith’s parenting skills extremely satisfying and sexy. But maybe das becuz-a how I was raiiised.

Claire and the new boy? Me likey. Somehow, he absorbs some of her annoying habits with his Michael Douglas-like “I’m-following-my-cock-around” attitude, making the two of them tolerable.

Finally. The last scene.

Without giving too much away, I ask you, what is a narm? As in “Numb arm, Numb arm, Narm, Narm.” Was he, in fact, referring to his numb arm? Or was he instead trying to tell Maggie something about the National Association of Recording Merchandisers, or perhaps more appropriately the North American Registry of Midwives? Maybe he was suggesting that the two of them get away to the world famous North American Railroad Museum in Huntsville, Alabama. Did he mean to tell us about this picture, found when Google Image searched for "Narm"?

How dare HBO leave us with such a cliffhanger! And no preview for next week’s episode! I MUST KNOW WHAT NARM MEANS!

Also: Nate may or may not be dead. Sob. With all his faults and issues, I truly love Nate’s presence. He really grounds the show for me. Sigh. Not to mention, he's The Hotness. Oh Nate. Please don’t gooooo!

And before you lay into me about what a superficial recap this is, please, save it. I literally wrote this sentence by sentence while jamming my small, childlike fingers into the photocopy machine’s parts so that it may spit out radiated papers with Nazi-like precision. No need to thank.

Posted by at 1:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (29)

After the jump: some modeling pictures from James, and another TVgasm Photoshop enhancement!

I guess this is what you call the Abercrombie tryout photo.
Notice that quality, Kirk Cameron circa-1988 hair that he has going on.

In his loss prevention job, James must scare away various homeless people and kids on skateboards from causing too much trouble in front of the Wal*Mart. This makes for quite the bitchin' ab workout.

In case you think James didn't have any range, this photo displays the wide, uh, range of styles James would be great for. Homoerotic? You didn't hear that from me.

Perhaps the best version of Jame. TVgasm invites you to print this picture out and use it as a dart board or when you and your Desert Eagle need some target practice.

SUMMER OF SECRETS!

Posted by at 8:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (17)

When Kaysar won Head of Household this past Thursday, we here at the TVgasm offices found ourselves presented with almost the perfect scenario for this stage of the game of Big Brother. The house was one large conglomerate of an alliance whose only bond was the persecution of the outcasts. Those outcasts included Kaysar, for his friendship with Michael and any number of reasons the mad midget Eric came up with, and Janelle, for her closeness to Michael and the fact she wanted to get back at everybody for voting out her secret partner Ashlea the first week. Now that the outcasts are effectively in power, they had a chance to stir shit up or play it safe. It looks like Kaysar and his crew decided on option A, and that is a wonderful thing.

Michael's eviction from the house was really no surprise. I still think that he got a raw deal for his behavior, but he didn't fight his battle to stay in the house correctly, even if it was because he was up against his newfound love interest Janelle. He isolated himself and basically sealed his fate. I don't know if people noticed, but when he left, it was one of the more tense exits from the house that we have seen the last couple of seasons. A lot of people were diplomatic and hugged him and said goodbye, but Ivette and Eric did not. Ivette "kept her happy butt in the chair" and Eric walked away because Michael "never apologized" to him. I guess all of that time he was telling Michael that they were all cool was just a bunch of bull.

And what exactly does Eric want an apology for? He never tells us. Was Michael supposed to say "Uh, Eric, I'm sorry that some people came and told you I was talking about your family and you used that misinformation to plot against me, accuse me of being a sexual predator, and then physically threaten me. Cool? Sweet." I guess you could say that Michael never apologized for saying Eric is a midget and has a small penis, but let's be honest - he is the shortest man in the house, and all of those steroids more than likely gave him a small penis. Truth hurts.

Other than Kaysar, Janelle was the happiest person in the house after the HOH competition. Janelle has not made a huge effort to make friends, and until she can form some sort of alliance, she would have looked forward to being on the block for a long time. Since people have picked up on how skilled she is in the game, there was no doubt she wouldn't have lasted long. With Kaysar in the position of power, she could at least try and get one of her rivals (she mentioned Ivette and Jenny) to go before she did.

Since people know Janelle is probably Kaysar's closest friend in the house, it's fun to watch people suck up to her a little bit as well. Take April, for instance. As she and Janelle are having a smoke outside, Janelle mentions that she feels like she has no friends, to which April responds "I always liked you!" April then goes on saying that she might not have liked the way Janelle was in the house, but would surely be friends if she saw her outside. When Janelle said she thinks she is the same outside the house, April's "I like you, but I don't like you" story is destroyed. Janelle loved it too, saying she relished the look on April's face because "she was busted." Well, I wouldn't consider April busted, but she is very old. Every time I look at her Michael Jackson nose, I think it is going to fall in.

There were a lot of people who weren't happy with Kaysar winning HOH, including Ivette, who was upset because she said Allah must have been looking over Kaysar and must have given him HOH. Well, no shit Ivette! Do you think Kaysar prays so many times a day because he is asking to get screwed over? What's her next complaint? "Oh, that bitch April, she's always like 'Give us this day our daily bread.' What's up with that? I HATE PB&J!!"

I have been kind of going back and forth on what to think about Kaysar. I really hate his apparent pacifism, because they are always the most boring in the house. Maybe he was just laying low. When talking about his win, Kaysar said he wanted to make people kiss his ass a little bit, and that is a VERY healthy attitude in the house, at least when it comes to our entertainment.

Speculation is rampant on what is going to happen. Ivette and Maggie talk about who is going to be nominated. Maggie believes that Kaysar will keep his promise to Eric, who said he would keep Kaysar safe for one week if Kaysar promised not to nominate him if he won HOH. The thought of this infuriated Ivette, because she couldn't stand the thought that Janelle was going to be safe, saying that it was always the dumb who go far. "Hello pot? This is kettle. By the way, you're black." Oh yes Ivette, we forgot that you have a job as a waitress because you needed more time to work on your graduate thesis for your MBA, or Masters in Bitchy Antics to the rest of us. But Ivette does have reason to worry. As Janelle says, nominating Ivette "is a more personal decision, because we hate her." NICE!

The most interesting thing about Kaysar winning is not that Janelle is friends with him, but that Howie seems to be just as tight with Kaysar as anybody in the house. James walks in on them talking in the gold room and immediately reports back to Eric. James had acted like he really went into the gold room to get some nuts and not spy on what is going on. He feels patronized that they asked him to stick around, because he knows they are not lying. Ah yes, James is upset that people are lying; will the wonders never cease. Of course, when Eric hears that Howie is making friends, he starts getting a little paranoid. "I KNEW THAT HOWIE IS TROUBLE WHY IS HE MAKING FRIENDS I MUST STOP THIS I KNEW JANELLE IS TROUBLE DOES IT ANNOY ANYBODY HOW INTENSE I AM ALL THE TIME I MUST SHOUT OR ELSE I WON'T BE ABLE TO HEAR ABOVE ALL THE VOICES IN MY HEAD I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND WHERE ARE MY PILLS SOMETIMES THAT HELPS."

Kaysar finally gets his HOH room, and he gets the normal things, like pictures, a lot of Kosher meat, and...a hookah pipe? What? A hookah pipe? Now, hookahs are completely legal and popular in many parts of the world where people use them to smoke flavored tobacco. In California, hookah bars are popular, where you can see a lot of poseurs act like they are getting stoned off of this tobacco. Maybe Kaysar does only smoke plain tobacco in his, because he does seem really devout, but there are a lot of other uses for a hookah - I'll let you use your imagination. I thought it was a little risqué for Big Brother, who knows, maybe they'll let Janelle bring in a vaporizer so she can smoke some poppy seeds. Seriously though, do you think the ATF just knocked down Kaysar's door?

After everybody filed out, we learned what a lot of us expected. Kaysar told Janelle that they both lost their partners, so they might as well partner up. This is a huge risk for Kaysar, because he still has some decent good will in the house, and Janelle is probably the most hated still. They realize that everybody has a secret partner, and start naming them off. Kaysar decides that he is going to have to divide and conquer, but he still wants to feel out some people to see if he can trust them.

One of these people Kaysar wants to trust, or at least use their trust to his advantage, is James. He talks to James, and he mentions how he has figured out all of the pairings. When asked if he is with Sarah, James decides to lie, saying that he was supposed to come in with a partner, but at the last minute he had to pull out, so James went in there alone. James has told a lot of lies, and when Kaysar asks him point blank, he lies again. It seems that Kaysar believes him, and James says that if he pulls this off, he must be the best liar in the world.

When Janelle consults with Kaysar about the whole things, she tells him that James can't be trusted and that he will say anything if it makes him safe. She says that they have to shake things up. The best thing would be for them to nominate James and Maggie. That way, you can expose two alliances, and make perhaps the two biggest power brokers in the house, James and Eric, fight against each other. It may be enough to fracture the house and realign things for a much more interesting summer. Kaysar takes the advice, but you are left wondering if all that talk James has against Janelle is starting to sink in.

While we think about that, we get some updates on a few stories in the house. First, we get Ivette talking to April. Ivette is crying because she can't tell people in the house about her great relationship, how she met her girlfriend, how much she loves her, etc. Maybe some of the people who get the live feeds can fill me in, because I don't want to make fun of somebody if they truly have concerns about their relationship, but what's stopping Ivette from talking about her girlfriend? There have been openly gay people on the show, and although they have usually been single or haven't mentioned significant others back home, I didn't think they were prevented from saying anything. Is she afraid people at home would find out about a secret relationship? I wouldn't think that would be the reason, because her sobbing in the diary would have ruined that.

Over/Under on how long April tells everybody Ivette's a lesbian? 2.5 weeks.

The other bit of filler that we get is more craziness from Howie. I am a little worried because it seems that there is going to be a lot of this stuff, and if they can't find anything else, the house is a little boring. There really isn't much new, except that Howie likes to tell Rachel how hot she is, comment on her underwear, and straddle her from behind while she is laying on the bed. This really pisses of Eric, who really hated the way Michael treated women, so he is not going to let this stand. Oh, what's that? Eric doesn't care? Sorry, for a minute there, I thought he wasn't a hypocrite.

Anyway, Howie talks about how much she wants to hook up with Rachel and talks about her old maid boobs, because the house guests still believe that Rachel is the oldest female, not having realized that perhaps $10K in plastic surgery might be able to take a few years off *cough* April *cough*. Rachel doesn't look bad for her age, it's just those crazy eyes that get in the way.

The food competition was a spelling bee. Oh, we love it when the Big Brother contestants have a spelling bee. Last year, we got to watch Scott spell "cheesse," so what did we have in store this week? Well, there was a wheel that had a bunch of panels that said "PB&J". Each contestant would get a chance to spell a common food, and if they spelled it correctly, they would take off a PB&J panel which would reveal a panel that said "Food". At the end, one person would spin the wheel. If it landed on Food, they would get supplies for the week. If not, it was PB&J. Only four people misspelled their words. Janelle spelled spaghetti "S-P-A-G-E-T-T-I," Rachel spelled broccoli "B-R-O-C-C-L-I," Howie spelled rhubarb "R-U-B-A-R-B," and Sarah spelled cauliflower "C-O-L-I-F-L-O-W-E-R."

Next, we get still more Howie clips. This time, he is apparently a little upset that people are asking him what his religion is. He says that he is a Jedi, and starts playing light sabre with a broomstick and does some kung-fu moves in the mirror and whatnot. When a few people tell him that Jedis don't have sex, and the only one that did went to the Dark Side, Howie says the Dark Side is not that bad. OK CBS, you must be able to find something more interesting than that. I know it's still early in the season, but you can do better.

WIth all of that silliness out of the way, we are able to focus on the most important part of Wednesday's episodes, the nominations. Ivette comes in, and you would think that she would offer Kaysar an apology, but she is too proud for that. She thinks that she is the smartest and that everybody should listen to her, so she tries to give Kaysar some advice. People hate Janelle because she did a lot of backstabbing. That's news to me, but this is Ivette talking, and so Kaysar has to listen lest Ivette decides to say Kaysar beats his wife, even though I don't believe he is married. She says that he should put up Janelle, and to prove how much the house hates Janelle, she offers herself up as a pawn. Kaysar isn't buying it, but he does appreciate the guts she had to walk in and make the suggestion.

Kaysar really wants to get back to his original plan, and that was to see where he is with James. He talked with James, and now he wants to talk with Sarah. He asks her about her relationship with James, and she denies it. We haven't seen responses from anybody in the house, but James and Sarah are the only ones denying a relationship. Kaysar knows how to play the game, so he tells Sarah that the other people in the house, which means Eric and his clan, wanted him to put up James and Sarah. Sarah is a sweetheart, but she believes it all, which means she is going to tell James.

James is a little too smart to believe the nomination story, and goes back to Kaysar. He tells Kaysar that if he puts up Janelle, he is going to gain a lot of respect. Unfortunately for James, he is not talking from a position of power, and his promises are empty to Kaysar. Why should Kaysar believe James now when he is almost positive that James is lying about his relationship with Sarah? The other problem is that James is trying to sort of blackmail the HOH, saying that he will be a target if he doesn't put up Janelle. He says Janelle can't be trusted and she will try and manipulate Kaysar to do what she wants. Kaysar thinks about if for a while, and I have to admit I was getting a little worried that Kaysar might actually nominate Janelle, even though she is his biggest ally.

When the nomination ceremony came, Kaysar decided that he wasn't going to play it safe. He wasn't going to try and rely on handouts from other people, he was going to try and shift the game. He did what he and Janelle had discussed earlier and nominated James and Maggie. This completely shocked the entire house. As Kaysar said, he wanted to expose some people and see some people fight. I have to give Kaysar credit for having the guts to do this move. If it works in the right way, he has completely changed the game.

What does all of this mean? Eric arguably has the greatest influence in the house, but he has benefited from not having to show his friendship with Maggie. He doesn't have that luxury anymore. He went after people for being too friendly with others in the house, and this will force his hand. When he is in power and has the bully pulpit, he is great at getting his way, so let's see what happens when he is forced to strategize. As for James, he is also a powerful player. Eric picked him for the last veto competition, so you know they are friends. If James wants to stay, he is going to have to compete directly with Eric, who will be campaigning for Maggie. It will be very interesting to see where the chips fall. Even better, with James on the block, you know that he and Sarah will be exposed because she is going to believe everything Kaysar said when he sees Eric trying to save Maggie. Deals will have to be made and people are going to have to choose sides. Kaysar said it best: "It's just chaos, and I love it!"

What do you think about the nominations? If Maggie or James is vetoed, who should be put up in their place? If the nominations are secure, who would vote to evict Maggie? James?

Posted by at 3:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (43)

Once again, sorry for the tardiness in my update for The 4400. When we last left our favorite basic cable sci-fi series (or second favorite now that BSG is back in our good graces), Jordan Collier had just been assassinated. Although we aren't sure that Kyle "More Blackouts than Tom Sizemore" Baldwin was the shooter, we pretty much know that he was involved. It's hard to imagine how his dad is going to take the news when he finds out. I know my parents would be a little disappointed if I had shot a public figure, and that's probably enough to keep my crazy ass out of Turtle Bay. (Note to FBI/NSA/CIA internet monitoring software - that was a joke). Anyway, let's get back to the recap. And apologies to Andy Dehnart for the unauthorized mashup of the name of his excellent blog for the use of this title.

Everybody has experienced the feeling of waking up in the morning and not knowing where they are. Or at least I hope a lot of people have experienced it, because a lot of the next paragraph is going to sound pretty crazy if that is not the case. So, you wake up, and you are kind of lost. Usually this comes right after a dream that is a little too real. This happens to me during one particular dream sequence I've had. In my dream, I am still in college (I graduated in 2001) and I am about to walk into a test. As I go into the test, I realized I have no idea of the subject matter. I also find out that this test will determine if I graduate or not. I curse myself for having spent the night before getting tanked, stoned, or chasing co-ed tail, but just before pen goes to paper, I wake up. I look at my surroundings, and I realize that I am in my true reality. The sun is coming through the window in my bedroom, and I have to get to work.

Now imagine if you woke up and you were in your alternate reality? Wouldn't you be so confused, especially if you could remember what happened in your "real" life? This is what faced Tom Baldwin in the last episode of the 4400. He wakes up, and everything is different. His son is actually affectionate, and when he goes into work, nobody knows who the 4400 are, including Diana. What the hell is going on? Was the entire thing a dream?

I know what you're going to say, and the whole "what if this whole story we concocted was really a dream" idea has been kicked around in many a television show. I remember when they suggested Buffy was simply crazy and imagining her vampire slayer stylings, a lot of fans of the show almost completely went off the deep end, and to be honest, it is usually a plot line that shows pull out in their fourth or fifth season when things are moving slow.

What about Tom? Like anybody who is going through this type of experience, he first thinks it is a trick, but how can so many people be in on the joke? They tell him that he just got back from medical leave after having been tortured for three weeks after going undercover and then being discovered during a dirty bomb investigation. Tom has no idea what it means, and instead, tries to find what some of the 4400 are doing. He looks up David Navarro (the mind reading baseball player) and he is a hall of famer. He looks up Richard Tyler and he's been killed in action. He looks up Maia Rutledge, and there is actually an address is Seattle for her. When he goes there, he sees Maia Rutledge! Finally, somebody remembers the 4400, except it isn't Maia Rutledge, it is only somebody who looks like what he thinks Maia Rutledge is supposed to look like. It is Maia's granddaughter of course, and Tom realizes that he must be crazy.

When he comes home, his son has thrown him a surprise welcome back party, and he finds out that he is married to a woman named Alana that he has never met before in his life. Searching for answers, Tom seeks out the only thing that gave him a clue that he was sane. When he went to take down the guy who set him up to be tortured, there was a room in the building (an art museum that in the 4400 reality we know belonged to Jordan Collier, who is the Governor in Tom's current reality). Before, it is a black obsidian door and inside he saw some sort of surgery table. Now, it is just a regular door. Still, it's the sanest place he knows, and decides to sleep there until Diana shakes him awake. Apparently, he was in the middle of some storeroom just talking to himself. She says she wants to get to the bottom of this, and with that said, she tranquilizes him.

After Tom wakes up, he is under intense interrogation (and held down with soft restraints). He tells the doctors everything he knows about the 4400, and people are looking at him strangely. They do let his wife visit him, and when she talks to him, she tells him that she is in the same boat as he is. She just met him the day before, and has no memory of them being together, but she does have a memory of the "true" reality Tom also talks about. Not only does she know about the 4400, but she is one. They decide that Tom is going to fake sanity in order to get a chance to get out of the mental hospital and help get to the bottom of what happened.

Returning home, Alana and Tom decide that they are going to put ads in major newspapers asking people if they remember the 4400 and to get in touch if they have. This is a good strategy, but in a couple of weeks when they get an answer, the guy who remembers the 4400 is talking about a classic automobile and not people returned from future humans. Having met at the Museum/4400 center, Tom once again looks for the door and goes in. He sees a surgery table, but just before he is able to see who is having surgery, Alana interrupts him before he can get any answers. Tom knows that the answers lie within that door, so he basically camps out in front of it for a while.

Tom leaves and goes back to his house. Alana is looking at pictures and she wonders why whoever placed them there decided that they shouldn't have any old memories. Now, this wasn't that strange of an occurrence, but during this time, they got to talking and we found out that Alana is from Tahiti. Hearing that, Tom says that he and his first wife thought about going there for their honeymoon, but they decided on Haiti. Uh, Haiti? What was it that turned him on to Haiti? The shantytowns? The gangs? The rampant poverty? I know that a lot of these Caribbean islands are very poor outside of the resort locations that people frequent, but Haiti? What was his second choice? East Timor? Nablus? Darfur?

Strange honeymoon choices aside, Tom and Alana decide that there is nothing that they can do except create new memories and try and have a happy life. They had been sleeping in the same bed to keep up appearances of a married couple, but they finally consummated their relationship that night.

We all know that one evening of good sex means that two people will have a wonderful life together, and that is what happens with Tom and Alana. Fast forward eight years later to what would be their tenth anniversary, and they decide to renew their vows. This type of ceremony is usually one that I loathe, but they literally didn't remember any of their first wedding, so I won't complain. Everybody is so happy, even Diana decides to change her hairstyle, and it appears the Chen helmet has really caught on in 2013.

Things keep getting better for the couple. Tom finds out that they want him to be the director of NTAC, and since most of his craziness was after he had been tortured in the line of duty, most of those transgressions could be overlooked in front of any Senate sub-committee. Alana learns that she has asked to be on the board of trustees of that famous art museum. There is a benefit dinner, and the power couple decide to attend.

Once there, Tom is once again attracted to that door. He sees it, but before he can go in, Alana finds him. They have built so many good memories, why try and destroy them with what is behind that door. He decides she is right, but after he has a nightmare about Kyle, who is being apprehended by the police and has blood all over him, he goes back to the door. This time, he goes in, and there is nobody around to stop him from looking at who is underneath the cloth on the surgeon's table.

When he lifts it up, it is Alana, or at least a representation of Alana. What he is seeing is the place from the future where all of the 4400 were changed. Tom had always wondered if Alana was involved with the alternate reality, and it looks like he was right, sort of. Alana was creating the alternate reality, but she didn't know it. The 4400 wanted her to do it, wanted her and Tom to make a connection, because in the real world, he was going to need a support system for the difficult times ahead. When he goes back to the real world, he and Alana will remember all that happened in this one. He'll have a loved one who has spent eight years with, even though only moments have passed in the reality he previously thought was correct.

How to get back? He has to convince Alana that she is creating everything, and convince her to take everything away. But Tom is starting to wonder why he would want it changed. He does like this reality. He loves Alana, and the way things are. Why change? Well, as Alana says (the future human-controlled Alana in the strange room), if he doesn't, then they have picked the wrong person to save mankind. Well, that's the gist of it at least.

With that weight on his shoulders, Tom goes back to Alana and tries to tell her that they need to go back, and that she is creating it. A difficult task, because the memories of the other reality are fading, and they have a hard time imagining that they were ever separated. Tom does convince her to do what she needs to do. In order to convince her she has the power, he asks her to make a chair dissappear. And once the chair is gone, she can use her power to erase their whole universe. She's a quick learner! If this was college, it was like filling her application out on Monday and then becoming a tenured professor the next day.

Back in the true reality, Tom is at his desk. Diana asks him for Alana's file. Yes, Alana was just in for her physical. Quickly, Tom asks if the 4400 exist, yada, yada, and Diana confirms that they do. Knowing that is all true is a comfort to Tom, and he kisses her on the head, which is the most action she has had since the show started.

Tom, however, has more important things to do. He has to find out if Alana remembers him. He runs after her and finds her outside the building. They turn around, look into each others eyes, and both realize that they do, in fact, have eight years of happy memories.

I am happy that the producers didn't do a generic resolution for the dream sequence. Usually, they have the person wake up and they have no connection to what the alternate reality is, they just leave the possibility out there, and don't necessarily ever come back to that possibility. Not only do Tom and Alana love each other, but we get a hint at what is coming with Kyle's arrest. The episode didn't exactly move the plot and gave us many more questions, but it certainly primed us for some good shit to come.

Posted by at 12:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Click on the picture of Julie above for a digitally enhanced version of her happy place.

Does the carpet match the curtains or did Julie throw the carpet out altogether? To find out, click the picture of Julie above.

SUMMER OF SECRETS!

Posted by at 2:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

So tonight was the big eviction episode of Big Brother, and while the results may not have been shocking, the Head of Household competition has still moved me to ask one of the more clichéd questions out there. To all you newbies watching Big Brother, are you not entertained???

Please make note that that is the first time I have ever quoted Gladiator. You must realize that it takes something very special for me to join the masses who think they're oh so clever by rehashing this dumb Russell Crowe line. Don't fear, though. I have no intention of going all Braveheart on you too, unless Julie Chen does something really amazing this season. She is on pace to have the most flub-tastic summer yet.

Anyhow, let's take a stroll down recent-memory lane and relive all those fun moments from tonight's telecast.

The episode began in a glimmering way as Julie Chen greeted us in a metallic, sparkly dress oddly reminiscent of my junior prom's Mylar decorations. With glitter twinkling on her shoulders and a giant smile plastered on her face, the Chenbot seemed ready to attack tonight's show with a festive elegance not usually seen outside of figure skating. In fact, I'd wager to say that if Kristi Yamaguchi and an Oscar statuette had a lovechild, it would be Julie Chen.

Anyway, after the past two weeks saw the Chenbot teetering down the perilous staircase of the Big Brother house, the producers wisely moved their hostess to lower ground tonight. Julie was instead stationed just outside her little studio door, and thankfully only had a few paces to walk before she lowered herself onto her Couch Of Awkward Badinage. Ah, but even the simplest routines can be exciting as the Chenbot nearly flashed her hootchie to the entire country. Yes, a poorly placed seam and a scandalously short skirt nearly gave way to a Basic Instinct moment as Julie sat down and crossed her legs. Sadly, no X-rated body parts flashed on screen. Instead, all we could see was a tantalizing darkness that was both mysterious and disturbing.

The Anti-Camel Toe

Seconds later, Julie Chen provided her next awkward moment simply by glancing at the flat screen TV behind her left shoulder. Honestly, if I simply say, "Julie Chen looked at the TV screen to her left," it doesn't sound terribly strange or bizarre. And such is the beauty of the Chenbot. Words cannot describe how robotic she is, but seeing her head swivel around with mechanical precision is a sight of pure wonder. Okay, okay, I'm just babbling now. I'll get on with it.

Julie Chen's helmet (Chelmet?) grows larger by the day.

After Julie's first "But First!" of the evening, we then watched the houseguests in the wake of Saturday's dustup. Michael and Eric, the two principals of the conflict, sat outside at the table and made peace. "I apologize...if you felt I was aggressive in a sense," said Eric. In a sense??? You CHARGED him like a bull! Well, actually, he looked more like a really angry turtle, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, the two agreed that they were "cool," and so came the pitiful attempts by CBS to have us believe that Michael would not be going home tonight. Suddenly, Eric was in his HOH room saying that Michael's not as bad as he thought. Then we saw Queen Buzzard April as she noted, "I can easily vote Janelle off this week." Hey, grandma, didn't you just tell Janelle that you had her back? Or was that simply an expression from 1947 meaning "I hate you"?

Anyway, sensing that she might have to secure her position a little bit, Janelle worked her charm on Howie by inviting him into bed and picking his brain. He didn't feel like she was in any trouble because "The Surfboard People" would all look out for each other. Surfboard people? Oh -- those were the seven people who stuck it out on the surfboard that first night. Hmmm...so is "The Surfboard People" going to be this year's self-titled alliance? Sigh. Hey, at least it's better than "Santa Monica Van Boys."

Okay, back to Julie. With the houseguests eagerly awaiting the voting results, the Chenbot conducted her weekly questioning of the assembled cast members. She asked Kaysar how the house was in the wake of Fight Night, and he replied, "I think we've grown up a bit." Listen, it's not like you all just had a near death experience. And I refuse to believe anything stemming from Eric's 'roid rage could ever lead to a coming-of-age personal growth. Nevertheless, Julie asked the same question to Ivette who said that she was now trying to keep her big mouth shut. However, Ivette stumbled through her answer, eventually ending with, "I'm speechless. You got nothing to say sometimes." To which Julie Chen said, "Oh, I know about that!!" We then sat through ten seconds of silence as everyone looked awkwardly at each other and then at Julie.

All right, that didn't happen (again), but we did get another "But First!" and then got to see some of the house guests talking about the pros and cons of both nominees. Sarah babbled about something, and I was very happy to see that she was in her third term of pregnancy. You go girl! Would this be the first reality star baby to be born on a show? James, meanwhile, told us that Janelle "has no self-respect." This coming from a guy who willingly appears on Big Brother, a show where millions of people can watch you masturbate on the Internet. Speaking of wacking off, Howie showed up next to comment, "I love Janelle. She's a good friend of mine and hopefully a future hookup of mine." Riiiight. Good luck with that buddy. I'm sure she'll eventually warm up to your Drew Carey humor and oversized tank tops. You know, assuming she goes blind and deaf in the next few hours.

When we came back from commercial break, the Chenbot had Eric all sequestered in his Head of Household room and actually managed to ask him some pointed questions. First: what did Michael allegedly say about his family? Keep in mind that what we the viewers saw on Tuesday's episode was Michael saying that he wanted to piss Eric off by asking how his grandparents died. Okay, so what Eric actually heard: "Somebody had brought back some comments that he had made about my family and about my father and mother to the effect that I must have been abandoned as a kid in Boston -- That's why I came to Vegas." Now maybe Michael did say that, but for now, I just have to say that's a damn good game of Telephone they've got going on! Honestly, Eric must be a total idiot. If he actually put time into thinking about the content of the alleged insult, he'd see it makes no sense. He was abandoned and therefore had to go to Vegas? WTF? Why wasn't his first reaction, "Oh, she must have heard that wrong." That would be like someone telling me, "Oh, J-Unit said your spatula is ugly and that's why Juliette Binoche didn't want to go on safari with you." NO ONE SAYS THAT ABOUT MY SPATULA!

Anyway, Eric droned on and on, and I feared that I might instantly fall asleep and miss the rest of the show. Luckily, Julie followed up with another good question (whoever programmed her for this segment did a fine job). She asked how exactly did Michael break his trust. Eric explained that Michael had been spending too much time around Janelle (although, wasn't the original beef that he was spending too much time with Jennifer?). Since he considered the VIP waitress a threat from day one, Eric therefore viewed Michael and Janelle's "talking" and "smiling" and "breathing the same air" as a violation of trust. Clearly! Hey dumbass, why not use their relationship to your advantage? You know, get some reconnaissance on your enemy? Oh, that's right. That would be "logical" not "dumb."

After Julie was done questioning the stumpy firefighter, we then saw some silly footage of Michael and Janelle's burgeoning romance. That's right. Perhaps forced into each other's arms out of necessity, the two had suddenly become an item over the past few days. And who can blame Janelle? Michael's a real charmer. A sample line: "That perfume you wear is intoxicating." Ooooh. I can already hear the Barry White playing in the background. Lay another one on her, brother man. "I want to reach over right now and kiss you." Oh yeah. It's gettin' hot in here! Hey Janelle, did you use Windex on your fly? Because Michael can really see himself in your pants!

Amazingly, these lines seemed to have worked. Either that or Janelle had succumbed to her boredom and decided to get a little hanky panky while she could. The best part of all this though was her casual dismissal of her boyfriend. Apparently she had been seeing a guy in Manhattan prior to the show, but, well, he's not a reality star now, is he? "It's incredibly uncomfortable for me to break up with someone on a television show," said Janelle, but she proceeded anyway. "I'm sorry, and I understand if you never want to talk to me again." HA! Awesome! Some guy just got rejected by a hottie in front of millions of people. I particularly loved Janelle's unsentimental, business-as-usual demeanor. She has much to teach her reality star brethren.

Asked why she liked Michael though, Janelle answered very simply: "He's kind of a snob." And people wonder why Michael and Janelle are my favorites. Snobbery is always a good thing on Big Brother. Anyway, super sleuth Maggie had sniffed out this secret love affair, and she noted that the two always seemed to be going off behind closed doors to make out. Later, we saw footage of the couple kissing in the backyard. Yes, and what a closed door romance it was! "They seem very comfortable together," Maggie noted, adding, "Much like me and donuts."

Actually, Maggie was right. Michael and Janelle were very comfortable around each other, which is too bad because maybe Michael would have otherwise felt some shame in attempting to recreate the upside down Spider-Man kiss on Janelle. The only problem: he was kind of at an odd angle on account of him NOT hanging upside down. I guess you could say it was less Spider-Man and more Murderball. Sorry, I just like saying Murderball. ........ MURDERBALL!!!

Julie Chen finally returned to our screens, chirped "But First!" and then introduced us to the next set of voting houseguests. AARP poster child April was up first and immediately dissed Janelle: "When a guy says hi, she says, 'Hiiii'." DAMN THOSE SALUTATIONS! A pox on anyone who employs them!

Jennifer, meanwhile, had the most interesting voting rationale: "I'm not a lesbian or anything, but a good reason to keep Janelle around is that she's pretty to look at." Whatever, LESBIAN! Ah, I'm just kidding. But I did enjoy Jennifer's hasty disclaimer about her sexual orientation. Not that there's anything wrong with it. We then cut to Jennifer strumming a guitar and singing, "I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains..."

(Picture me blowing into my hand bugle) Burr Burrr Burrrrrr!

Big Brother 5 update time! Yay!

After the commercial break, the Chenbot greeted us with the happy excitement of a mother letting her kids open up their Christmas presents. And for good reason. It was time for us to catch up with the most memorable duos from last season. Julie marked the occasion with a celebratory slurring as she introduced "The outrageoush Jase and Holly." Wonderful.

Anyway, it took about .135 seconds of Holly for us to remember just how awful she was. After waving her dumb pooch's paw at us, Holly explained that she dated Jase for about ten months, but "I couldn't handle country music anymore." That's funny. I heard he couldn't stand THE CONSTANT SOUND OF YOUR VOICE! Jase, meanwhile, was back in Ohio looking as toolish as ever. His hair had turned brown, but it was still sky-high and stupid looking, which gave me some comfort. The aspiring actor said he had to return home because at heart, he was just a country boy. Well, that's a nifty little rationalization for your failed acting career. Jase continued: "LA is a tough town." Yeah, especially if you have NO TALENT (or sleeves).

Sweet tat! I'm sure you'll never regret it, what with it being so artistically done and all...

Next up were siblings Nakomis and Michael (a.k.a. Cowboy). These two ended on rocky terms last season, but hey, they're family! Can't wait to see how they've filled in the gaps in each other's lives! "Everyone wants to know, 'Do you keep in contact with your sister,' and this is like the first time we've been together since the show," said Michael. We then cut to Nakomis looking at Michael's wedding photos and saying, "So Scott and Drew went to the wedding?" OUCH! No invite for lil' sis? That's gonna be one awkward Thanksgiving (assuming Nakomis is invited). Just thinking about it is too nervousing for me!

Speaking of bitterness, we then caught up with Diane and Drew, last season's power couple whose demise came at the hand of one million dollars. In his patently slowwwww voice, Drew said, "After the show--" you bought cheesy items for your apartment like a sign that says "BELIEVE"? Actually, no, he didn't say that. Instead, he revealed that he had moved to Los Angeles to become...wait for it...wait for it...an actor! Who would have thunk it? The good news is that Drew does have an acting coach, and he even had a bit part on The Bold and the Beautiful a few months ago (Drew did, not the acting coach). And here's a little bit of useless trivia. I ran into BB5's Scott a few weeks ago, and he revealed that Drew and his brother Ben live just blocks away from the TVgasm offices. Perhaps a joint TVgasm/reality star viewing of Big Brother is in order? We'll keep you updated...

Finally, the last couple of this segment were the super twins themselves, Adria and Natalie. Lifting weights at the gym, the gals said that life after the show has been grand. They revamped their website (pop the champagne! It's the high life now!!!) and "we took off with our book!" Well, it wasn't so much a book as it was a ten-page pamphlet.

"Hey Lorlene! I gots you a twin-ological book for your exercise and such." By the way, what happens if I don't have a twin to work out with? Should I find a "Single-Birth-ological" book instead?

Anyway, the twins offered up some generic advice to the teams still in the house (oddly enough, they didn't even mention bible-thumping), and then we later returned to Jase who complained, "When I was in the house, who did I have? NO ONE!" Well, except for the Four Horsemen. And Holly. And Marvin. But yeah, basically no one. It's good to see that Jase still marinates in bitterness -- much like Diane who, despite insisting that she's over Drew evicting her in favor of Cowboy, still seemed mighty p.o.'ed about her third place finish last season. I'll tell you what I'm bitter about. Diane said she would write some guest commentary for us last year. (Cut to me tapping my fingers on the desk, whistling, checking my watch).

As the updates wrapped up, Adria (or Natalie, who knows really?) gave one piece of sage advice to the remaining houseguests (not that they could hear them): "Don't get discovered!" So, um, Maggie and Eric, maybe you should stop both wearing LAS VEGAS RESCUE-WEAR!

Anyway, the moment of truth finally arrived. Time for the live eviction. Janelle and Michael said their bland goodbye speeches, and as they droned on, I couldn't help but notice poor Sarah stuck on side-table duty. Somebody get her a chair! She's preggers! I also noticed Howie's arm draped around Beau. Summer of Secrets. Summer of Secrets...

Well, it should come as no surprise that Michael was kicked out of the house. As he hugged everyone goodbye, Howie said, "Tell Julie I say hi." I have a better idea. Why don't you guys all vote Howie out so he can tell her himself? Anyway, Michael emerged from the household (somehow injuring his hand in the process), and as he stepped out the front door, we were lucky to have a dramatic shot of the Chenbot eagerly awaiting his arrival. It was like the robot version of Cold Mountain.

Summer of Secrets continues: check out the Chenbot's power pack and tan lines!

In the wake of Michael's departure, the houseguests milled about in relief, and Howie even took the chance to give Janelle a little massage. Honestly, she seemed about two beats away from yelling, "Get off. Get off. GET OFF. GET OFF!!!!!" Actually, instead of flipping out, she merely pulled away from Howie's meteorological paws and declared, "I gotta pee so bad!" Something tells me she's gonna have to be "peeing" a lot the next few days (unless Howie releases his sexual frustration on Beau again).

Anyway, Michael's exit interview was completely unmemorable, but I did enjoy the goodbye video recorded by Kaysar. I can't be totally positive, but I'm pretty sure the producers just pasted it together from stray words in their interviews. Afterwards, Julie then revealed the big twist to Michael about how everyone had a secret partner. With a Willy Wonka-ish glee in her voice, the Chenbot asked, "Are you surprised?" Michael simply shrugged and replied, "No, I knew it. It was obvious." Wah wah waaaah. Somewhere in the corner, a daisy just wilted.

Now all this stuff had been fun, but the real excitement of this episode came during the Head of Household competition. After all, this always-silly challenge could be the downfall of Eric. Tonight's big game was the traditional "What do you think everyone else thinks" quiz. Julie would ask a question, and everyone would have to answer what they assumed everyone else would answer. Julie then noted one regulation: "Do not reveal your answer until I say 'answers please.'" Uh oh. Julie's going to flip out. It won't be long before her circuits are shorting, smokes pouring out of her ears, and she's shouting, "ANSWERS PLEASE! I NEED AN ANSWER!"

Surprisingly, Julie was pretty calm during the competition. The only time she seemed mildly unhinged was when some of the eliminated contestants forgot to reset their color wheels to yellow. RESET TO YELLOW, DAMMIT!

The questions were fairly harmless, and at one point, Julie asked who do people consider more intelligent, James or Eric? Everyone chose James, except of course Ivette -- which simply reaffirms that she's an idiot. For the most part, however, the houseguests seemed amazingly in sync with each other as each question resulted in either a tie or maybe one person getting eliminated. Three hours later, the Chenbot finally moved on to a tiebreaker where she asked how many coconuts were on the trees in the original Head of Household/surfboard challenge. The four contestants (James, Maggie, Janelle, and Kaysar) all scribbled down their answers, but their general sloth finally sent the Chenbot over the edge. "I need everyone's answers NOW!" she demanded. Just when Julie's motherboard seemed ready to fizzle out in a short circuit of rage, the houseguests presented their answers, and guess what? Kaysar won! Yes!! This is going to be one interesting week. Such is the beauty of Big Brother. Everything can turn on a dime. Saturday can't come soon enough...

What did you think about this episode? Did you want Michael or Janelle evicted?

Posted by at 2:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (39)

Last week when I suggested that people should watch Battlestar Galactica, I was a little scared that lots of people would watch, but then the season premiere would be sucky, and people would take my recommendations on television programming like I take music recommendations from my parents, ie not often and with lots of reservation. Thankfully, the season premiere of Battlestar Galactica kicked some ass, especially for people that knew what to expect, from season one. It was a lot to take in, but let's try and set things up for a very exciting season.

There are some people who call Battlestar Galactica nothing but a soap opera in space and question some of the science fiction aspects and whatnot. I have not been to a Star Wars convention or dressed up as my favorite character from Star Wars/Lord of the Rings/The Matrix while waiting in line to see them the first day, so I could give a shit about some of the more arcane and trivial details that bug some people. Just enjoy the show and those things won't bother you.

For those of you who were kind of wondering what was going on at the beginning of the program, here is the basic premise. Humans created robots, robots got fed up with humans and evolved. Some of the robots now look human. All of the robots want to kill the humans. Robots nuke human worlds into oblivion, leaving alive only the people who happened to be flying in space at the time. Being outnumbered by about 10,000 to 1 and having only one military ship, Battlestar Galactica, in existence, they decide to run. While on the run from the robots, lots of shit happens, like prison ship riots and assassination attempts. Since some of the robots (they are called Cylons) look human, they can do shit without being detected, although the Cylons aren't necessarily doing all the bad stuff. In fact, some Cylons don't even realize that they aren't human. That is the case with Sharon "Boomer" Valerii.

Boomer believes she is human, and even has a boyfriend (a couple actually, but we'll get to that). Seemingly against her will, she has been at the center of many a ship disaster, including the loss of the water supply, various bugs placed around the ship, and the big one, shooting the captain. She was so good at what she did, not even her own suicide attempt (gun to the mouth) could stop her. But how did we get there?

Well, it's basically because the President of the colonies has cancer. I want to explain it in some other way, but that is the gist of it. The President was Secretary of Education before the nuclear holocaust took care of the first 20 or so in line for succession. Considering what she has had to do, you have to give her credit for keeping people together. There was a point where she kind of lost her way, however. When morale was particularly low and people thought that the human race was doomed to fly listlessly through space, Commander Adama (Edward James Olmos) said that they were going to go in search of Earth, which in their religion is a homeland that the thirteenth tribe of mankind inhabited. I would think of it is some sort of Atlantis: some people believe in it absolutely, while some people think it is a bunch of bullshit.

Anyway, Adama told the President that the legend of Earth was fake, but a funny thing happened while he was lying about the legend. It turned out that more and more of the legend has started to come true. As more things that were supposedly legends came true, the President started believing in more of these legends, including one prophecy which seemed to say that an ill leader (cancer is an illness, remember) would lead the remainder of the colonies to Earth. All she needed was to find Kobol, the planet where their holy texts say mankind originated, and Apollo's arrow (I believe it was Apollo, I am slightly sketchy on some of these details, feel free to correct me) and they would be taken to the promised land, Earth. The only problem was that the Arrow of Apollo was on Caprica, which had been nuked fairly heavily by the Cylons in their original raid on mankind.

Luckily for the president, there are a lot of people who believe in what she has to say including Kara Thrace, call sign "Starbuck." Starbuck was originally played by Dirk Benedict of A-Team fame, and having Starbuck played by a woman is one of the interesting twists the series has put on the original. Starbuck is a loose cannon, but a great pilot. She crash landed on a planet, but was able to get out safely by stealing a Cylon Raider, a type of aircraft. If you needed to get the Arrow of Apollo from a Caprica that is crawling with Cylons, the best way to go undetected would be to fly one of their own ships in, right? Kara has had a couple of epiphanies since civilization was wiped out, so she decides to go along with the plan.

Upon returning to Caprica, Lt. Thrace gets the arrow, but Six, the leggy blonde Cylon that is always invading Dr. Gaius Baltar's (the smartest man in the known universe, who actually helped create Cylons) brain and making him continually horny, wants to kill her. Starbuck almost dies in the fight that ensues, but is able to win in the end, and who does she see but Lt. Karl C. "Helo" Agathon, who has been living in hiding on Caprica. His co-pilot was Boomer, but she was forced to go back to Galactica during the original attack of the Cylons, with Helo giving his spot to Dr. Baltar. While he was evading the Cylons, he was captured and then rescued by...Boomer? Yes, since the Cylons can have multiple copies, they had a copy of Boomer pretend to rescue Helo, with the intention of getting information from him. Trouble is that Helo and Boomer always had a thing, and being what they believe are the last two humans alive on Caprica, they get closer, much closer. Yes, that close. Helo has some hot sex with an Asian Cylon.

Eventually, Helo learns her secret, but he still has feelings for Boomer, and she is apparently pregnant. We don't quite know the details of how that one is put together, but I think we'll soon find out. Now, Starbuck was around the Galactica long enough to know that Boomer is a Cylon, which means any copies are Cylons. She wants to kill Boomer, but Helo stops her. He is a father and after all that radiation exposure, he can't be sure how long his little boys are going to be active. Before sterility, he figures it would be nice to have a kid, even if that kid is born of a woman who was sworn to kill him. Boomer doesn't stick around to wait and see if Kara wins the argument and flies off with the Cylon Raider, which was the only way the humans were going to be able to get back to Galactica.

So what is this about Dr. Baltar? Well, he has quite an interesting past. He was a scientist on Caprica, and helped create the Cylons and the technology that was supposed to defend us from them. I am not sure why any of these ultra-nerds on TV always have hot wives/girlfriends, even if the nerd has the dashing good looks of Joseph Fiennes crossed with Kevin Sorbo, but they always do. Baltar is no different, except the hot girlfriend is the Cylon Six. She most likely used him to help take down mankind, but he still can't get over her. She often comes to him in his dreams day or night, and is often having sex with him in public places. It seems shocking, but since nobody else can see her, Baltar just ends up making smooching faces and noises in the air while people stare at him and wonder what the hell is going on.

Baltar worked on a Cylon detector (it worked, but he lied about the results to Boomer), as he is the chief scientist of the colonies, and in a twist, also the vice president. He was sent to check the surface of Kobol with a military team, but was shot down. Now, he had been convinced to join the landing party by Six, who convinces him to do a lot of things, right down to believing in God. Yes, the robots in this movie are religious. While he is hallucinating after the crash, he even imagines that Six is showing them their baby. Yes, another crazy robot is pregnant!

Even though Baltar and some other people crashed on Kobol, there was little chance that Galactica was going to send anybody down to save them. They had plenty of stuff to worry about on their own. Remember Boomer? Well, we found out she was a Cylon and she tried to kill herself, but she was pressed into service and helped the Galactica destroy a Basestar. It was only when on the Basestar that she realized she was a cylon. As she left her ship to arm the nuke, she noticed that there were about a thousand people who could have been her twin, and they were all naked. Upon returning to Galactica, something clicked in her head, and while she was gaining praise for helping out the fleet, she put two bullets into Commander Adama's chest.

Whenever the Commander is incapacitated, they always have to call on Colonel Tigh, who is the Executive Officer and second in command. Colonel Tigh is a recovering alcoholic, and by recovering, I mean he only has half a bottle of liquor a day instead of three. As difficult as it was to have Adama fighting for his life, Colonel Tigh also had to deal with the fact that the fleet was basically running under martial law. When the President authorized Starbuck to go back to Caprica, Adama said she was crazy and had her put into restraints along with his own son, Lee "Apollo" Adama, the best pilot in the fleet. And if martial law wasn't bad enough, another Cylon Basestar appeared. He didn't want to leave anybody on Kobol, but he knew the fleet was a sitting duck and decided to execute a FTL (faster than light) jump to get the hell out of there.

So, they had to jump, but at least there was time to regroup and form a strategy, right? No, you're wrong. During all of the martial law declaration and assassination attempts, the crew member responsible for transmitting the jump coordinates to the fleet messed up, and Galactica jumped to a portion of space where none of the other ships of the fleet were. This was quite bad news for the fleet and Galactica.

Now, I know what some of you are saying. Why don't they just recalculate the coordinates and make the jump again? See, the problem is that the Cylons, being robots and all, are pretty good at computers, and they are able to hack any sort of network. The only reason why the Galactica was able to even survive the Cylon attack was that it was so old that it didn't have many computer systems, and those that were on the ship were not networked, thanks to some paranoia from Commander Adama.

The Cisco routers are self-defending! Oh sorry, wrong series.

The point in all of these flashbacks is that it reveals that Tigh never really wanted a command, or even back into the fleet. Although his wife (who sleeps around like crazy) wants him to be a little more opportunistic, Tigh is only trying to get the ship back with the rest of the fleet. Like I said before, the computers aren't networked, so to caculate the jump to where the rest of the fleet was would take 18 hours. Not a bad wait, but it also required 18 hours from the time when they last jumped. With all of the Cylons around, they would surely be dead. Tigh makes a tough decision to network the computers. The same crew member, Gaeta, who messed up the coordinates, also says that he can create a firewall to buy them some time before the Cylons hack them. Although Commander Adama never would have allowed a networked computer on the Glactica, Tigh is forced to out of necessity. Oh, and since the only doctor on the Galactica was not aboard the ship when they jumped, he has a medical intern perform the surgery on Adama that was going to save his life.

As disastrous as this all sounds, it doesn't go all that badly. The Galactica jumps to Kobol, the Cylons attack, the firewall holds up, Adama lives, and they make the jump back to the rest of the fleet. He even manages to squeeze in some torture of Boomer along the way. None too shabby.

But for all of the good that is happening, there are still some questions to answer. There is still a bunch of people on Kobol being chased by Cylons, and they are being picked off slowly. The Cylons also managed to crash a troop carrier into one of the hangar bays of Galactica. Nobody knows it, but some of the robotic Cylons have made it onto the ship, and from the previews, they are looking to wreck shit up. And what about all of the trouble the President went through to get the Arrow of Apollo? Helo and Starbuck have no way to get back anywhere, they are a little stranded. I wonder if Helo will knock up Starbuck as well?

Posted by at 10:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Oh dear, what a mess. To be fair to the show, I was completely thrown off by NBC pre-empting the first 15 minutes of "I Want To Be a Hilton" to air President Bush's Supreme Court Nominee announcement (on the East Coast). Now, you know that shit wouldn't have flown back in NBC's "Must See TV" heyday. I can see Clair Huxtable getting all bug-eyed while doing that side-to-side neck thing and breathing deeply in her Dacron turquoise pantsuit (with high collar, matching hoop earrings and eye shadow) before saying, "Ain't no Preeeeeeesident gonna stop me from setting up another unfunny scene with my little Rudy doing something cute!" Yeah, I know "Must See TV" was Thursday nights, but whatever. Any chance to goof on Phylicia Ayres Rashad Allen, no matter how tenuous, is fine by me.

After watching the President bumble through his teleprompted speech, the devilishly handsome Brian Williams solemnly told us that we'd now be returned to "NBC Programming." Since he's in New York, he looked thoroughly embarrassed knowing that his friends and family would be switched into the ritzy world of Kathy Hilton and the goofy gang of kids trying to gain entry into her upper echelon. With no introduction and no explanation, it was a bit shocking to see new teams (green vs. blue) on a croquet course (or is it a field?) with World Heavyweight Champion Lennox Lewis looking on. Huh? What did I miss in those first 14 minutes? Why is Lennox Lewis in my grandfather's polyester golf duds? I had to sort this out - and quickly.

Apparently the teams were reshuffled which gave us the following breakdown: Team Green consisted of Vanessa, Latricia, Niki, and Brenden. I later learned that Latricia picked the teams and I guess she wasn't aware of the hatred Vanessa and Brenden have for each other. Team Blue was Jules, Jaret, JW, and Jackaay - Team J, if you will. From what I gathered, the premise was that the teams of 4 would battle each other in a series of "sophisticated" games, reality TV style. With Lennox Lewis observing for some unknown reason. The first game was a bastardized version of croquet where Brenden and Jaret battled it out. We in the East missed Brenden's attempt, but saw the tail end of Jaret hunched over his mallet and kind of shoveling his ball through the wickets. I don't know the rules of croquet, but something tells me Jaret wasn't playing by them. Technically speaking, he must have taken 859 strokes to complete the course. Rules didn't apply, however, and Jaret was declared the winner of this nonsense based on time. At this point, even the 8 remaining contestants looked embarrassed to be part of this show. I kept peering out my windows to make sure the neighbors weren't secretly laughing at me for watching it.

The next challenge was called "Best in Show" and would force 2 team members to deal with a poodle in a series of humiliating events. With, of course, Lennox Lewis lording over them all. Ok, at least rich people do seem to like super tiny little rat-dogs these days, so I guess this had some relevance somehow. Latricia and Brenden teamed up against JW and Jackaay. Not satisfied to humiliate themselves, now the wannabe Hiltons had to humiliate the dogs by dressing them up in little outfits. Then they dragged them through an "obstacle course" of plastic cups and rocks. Lastly, the dog had to lick their faces. If only I were making this up. What in the world was Lennox Lewis thinking at this point? How did he feel when Latricia lamented, "We got a damn retarded dog. The dog was shaking - like I'm gonna eat it or something? I don't want you on a bun, little poochie." Looking at Latricia, I think the only thing stopping her from eating it was the fact that she thought it was "retarded." Otherwise, she'd be all, "Pass the mustard, Kim Soo Suk!"

Before I go forward and announce the winning team, I have to step in here and say that this was just about the most idiotic reality show challenge I've ever seen. I couldn't believe how stupid it was. I was heartened to read that none other than Kathy Hilton apparently felt the same way I did, according to Gawker. After watching this episode, I absolutely believe that story to be true.

Team Blue had won the croquet and Team Green had won the rowing, so it was up to the subjective decision of the dog-show lady to decide the overall winner. I was hoping she'd turn to Lennox, drop her head in shame and announce, "You know what? We're all losers just for being here. Nobody wins. Now Lennox, please punch me as hard as you can so I forget I was involved in any way with this." My daydream was shattered when she announced the Blues had done better with their dog, eliciting a very bored sounding "huzzah" from Lennox and Kathy Hilton. The awesome prize for the winners would be dinner with Lennox at Solo restaurant in Manhattan. The losing team would be forced to...have dinner with Lennox at Solo restaurant in Manhattan. Maybe they weren't allowed to get dessert or something.

On the walk back to the apartments, NBC shut off the cameras just in time for Jaret to trash talk Latricia. The whole segment was impossible to follow as the editing tried to piece together little snippets that may or may not have been relevant. It was awful. Latricia said, "He had no business comin up in my face like that." Like what? We didn't see it! Arrghh! After a commercial break (Jason Lee, dude, what are you doing in an NBC sitcom?), Latricia was still hurt and upset by Jaret. Last week, Vanessa made several disparaging remarks about her weight and size but that failed to ruffle Ms. Tons of Fun. I'd love to know what Jaret said to make her sulk for so long. All we got was that he said she should "quit her bitchin'." There had to be more to it because even as Jaret offered a sincere apology, Latricia would not listen. In fact, we finally got to see full-on ghetto mode Latricia as she really let Jaret have it before the gang went off to dinner.

Dinner with Lennox Lewis was as boring as you'd expect. I was really hoping to gain some insight as to why he was even involved with the show, but he simply gave them all autographed boxing gloves and bid them adieu. Maybe it was all just a ruse to bang Paris? As in, "I'll do you the favor of showing up on your show, Mrs. Hilton, if you do me the favor of giving me Paris's phone number and favorite perfume." Very shrewd, Mr. Hypothetical Lennox Lewis...well played. Enough filler, time for The Residence, the Tribal Council of Hilton's show.

Vanessa, Niki, Brenden, and Latricia filed in and awaited the glum-looking Kathy. Referring to the fact that Latricia has been on the losing team every single week, Kathy quipped, "I'm going to have to start calling these gatherings, 'delibatricias'." Sigh. Kathy, leave the clever witticisms up to TVgasm and stick to croquet and poodles. Her attempt at being witty was painfully forced and difficult to accept. "Delibatricias?" Instead of that, I'd have gone with a Wayne's Worldish, "Latrish-yah? As if!" Or perhaps, "Latricia, welcome, congratulations on winning the couch."

"The couch, what couch?"

"The one you've ruined by sitting on it every single freaking week." SNAP!

Latricia made some light-hearted lament about her streak with some plucky mandolin music in the background. When Kathy interrupted and reminded them that someone would be going home tonight, an ominous tympani boomed and those smiles all turned upside down. Oddly, Latricia has become so familiar with Kathy after going to so many of these things, she has taken to calling her "Sista Kathy." I found that annoying, but you could have guessed that. The fireworks immediately started as Brenden ripped into Latricia. He accused her of bringing drama into everything and disrupting the team. Latricia countered this charge by bringing drama into the discussion, and disrupting the deliberation - er - the Latriceration. "Sweetie," she sassed, "I don't get ticked off." She went on to lie about how she didn't like cake, cookies, ice cream, or pies.

It was Niki's turn next but she chose to ignore the others and focus on herself. You see, Niki's grandpa just died right before the filming began, and... "And... A-boo-hoo-hoo. Sniffle. And... This is for my grandpa... Boo-hoo-hoo. Sniffle." The moment seemed genuine and I'm sure it was touching to those who actually have a heart, but I simply couldn't get over the fact that her over-plucked, over-sculpted eyebrows made her look like she just opened a jack-in-the-box even while crying over her dead grandpa.

Latricia showing her emotional side

They didn't, as Latricia was elaminicianated and sent upon her way. Kathy announced that from this point forward, there will be no more teams and everyone will be competing as individuals. In the battle of the lesser-seen network summer reality shows that I recap, I think this week marked the time when "The Cut" on CBS became more interesting than the Hilton show. If you are a masochist, you can catch the first 15 minutes I missed Friday night on Bravo. If you do (or did), send me an email proving it, and I'll reply with a one-of-a-kind insult, lovingly personalized just for you!

Posted by at 6:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

By Guest Columnist Betty White

In case anyone has been living under a rock (or just been away from your TV set), this week was the two-hour-premiere-episode of So You Think You Can Dance - brought to you by the PRODUCERS OF AMERICAN IDOL. Now frankly, I'm surprised it took so long to get a show like this on the air. Considering the success American Idol had with signing, dancing seemed like a natural fit. And then with the summer success of Dancing With the Stars, this seemed like even more of a sure thing. But having sat through the premiere episode of So You Think You Can Dance, the jury is still out.

Personally, I've never been a big fan of the American Idol auditions. I've always waited until the fat has been trimmed before tuning in with the masses, but I do understand that I'm in the minority. Most people tune in to see the buffoons get skewered by Simon Cowell. The first few episodes of So You Think You Can Dance will be American Idol style -- with the auditions happening in cities around the country. Idol/Dancer wannabes line up for hours just to get the opportunity to strut their stuff across the stage in front of the judges. SYTYCD promoted the fact that this show was being brought to us by American Idol executive producer Nigel Lythgoe, who plays the role of head judge. They make sure to let us know that he has extensive dance background and flash footage of him with the Queen and Celine Dion, among other questionable celebrities. At first I thought he was going to be a Simon Cowell rip-off, but although he is British, he's not nearly as mean and doesn't really even try to be. Probably a negative for SYTYCN.

The Ryan Seacrest of this show is Lauren Sanchez, who I recognize as a local Los Angeles newscaster. The thing that previously set her apart is that the local news producers, recognizing that she's hot, had her do the news from a standing position, always wearing some kind of slinky, boob-showing outfit. SYTYCD producers continue with this theme. When we first see Lauren, she's wearing bad lipstick, and we can immediately tell she's chilly in a purple tank.

Anyway, after a bunch of set up with clips of bad and good auditions to come including break dancers, belly dancers and just god-awful dancers, we get down to business. Nigel is joined by two other judges: his wife, Bonnie Lythgoe (who looks like a cross between Camilla Parker Bowles and Penny Marshall) and Jeff Thacker, who is barely given a chance to say anything during the auditions. Later, in Chicago, Bonnie and Jeff stay in Britain, and Nigel judges with an unnamed Asian woman. Nigel sports a Madonna-type headset. We're not really sure why he needs this. Is someone talking to him on the headset? We can hear Bonnie and Jeff just fine and they're not wearing one. Hmmmmm.

Next up is Christina, who tells the judges she's employed at the Fun Zone. But we already know she's not going to make it, because she is fat. And once the dancing begins, she looks like an elephant on stage. NEXT!

Nigel shows a particular interest in well-endowed Belly dancer Isis. He asks about her "accessories," and no surprise here -- she lets us know those double D cups were bought and paid for. The judges let her move onto the next round. After the audition in the hallway, Isis, recapping her audition tells us, "I danced like I know how to dance." Gee, thanks.

Then the show bores us for a few minutes when four Ukrainians who don't speak English show up and do a circus-type act. NEXT!

Before dancer Camilla goes out to strut her stuff for the judges, she describes her dancing to us "Hot pizzazz that reeks of sexuality." A little full of ourselves, aren't we Camilla?

Pretty soon we see Anthony, who is wearing tiny bicycle shorts and probably borrowed his shirt from his six-year-old brother, get his chance in front of the judges. He's clearly a trained dancer (studied at Julliard he tells us). All is going well until he breaks out the ribbon (probably borrowed from the Ukrainians) and does a rhythmic gymnastic routine. The judges are not impressed, but since he actually can dance, they let him go through to the next round.

We see another Britney, this one is named Melissa. She dances better than Cheryl-Britney. There's filming at her house too. We know this one will make the cut.

Then there is Brandon. At first we think, Brandon's fat -- no way is he going to make it. But surprisingly Brandon can hip hop. "Don't let anyone tell you big people can't dance," Nigel says. Clearly, before this very moment, he thought fat people couldn't dance either. But really, if Brandon was Brenda, he'd never make the cut. No one wants to see a big girl bounce around the stage, no matter if they have moves or not.

One guy grabs his crotch three times, but that's ok, he makes it through to the next round. We have an American Idol moment when a girl, who clearly can't dance, fights back and tries to tell the judges that they are wrong, she can dance. But Nigel is no Simon, and the girl gets in the last word.

Poor Anthony, still wearing his outfit and lisping away, is told he's too feminine to make the cut. He tried to argue for a minute, but that won't work; the judges' minds are made up. "No one's ever told me I look feminine when I dance with the ribbon," he tells us once we get into the hallway. Anthony, it's obvious: no one ever thought they had to.

Another montage of hometown moments for Maritska, who left her husband because he didn't support her dancing career. Lucky for you Mariska, you made the right decision, because with all that hometown footage, you're clearly going to Hollywood.

The day's first real fattie, Eugene, comes on stage. Surely this is just comic relief. Brandon's just slightly overweight, but you know Eugene is probably pushing the scales at three maybe even four hundred pounds. In the previews, they billed him as the Nutty Professor, and the comparison is dead-on. He dances to Donna Summer with his stomach hanging below his T-shirt. He's cut and walks out onto the rainy Chicago street, carrying an umbrella so small that it barely covers his head.

As the magical hour approaches 10 p.m., two hours of endless auditions are nearly over. But we are rewarded for our patience with the best moment of the evening. Lisa, age 29 (who also made the first cut as a singer on American Idol, but here was reprimanded for dancing like an 18-year-old) is told she's going to Hollywood. Excited she runs out to the hall and receives a big hug and congratulations for a balding, mustached 50-something. "How great to have your dad here," says Lauren Sanchez, in her role as commentator. "My boyfriend," Lisa corrects her. "Oops, my bad," Lauren tells us.

Posted by at 6:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (20)

Because we here at TVgasm love to share the most inane pieces of gossip, we're proud to report that Kristen Kirchner from The Apprentice 3 and newly rejected "hunk" Chris Carson from Average Joe: The Joes Strike Back are an item. How do we know this? Because last night I had the unpleasant privilege of seeing Kristen's hand resting happily in Carson's crotch. I happened to have gone out briefly to catch a drink with friends at local bar, Barney's Beanery, and while I was standing around and talking, I suddenly realized that the two reality stars were sitting at a table directly below me. Anyway, I was at a perfect vantage point to see the Kristen's hand casually draped on Carson's inner thigh, about an inch or so away from his pee-pee. It's a good thing I had caught up on my Average Joe episodes yesterday, otherwise I would never have understood the significance of this pairing.

Anyway, for all those who care, the blonde Kristen is every bit as drag queenish in person as she is on TV. Still can't figure out why Carson went after her as opposed to the many other attractive reality alums out there. I guess his whole "chauvinist asshole" thing must have really turned the hotties off.

As much as I would have liked to have picked their brains, I didn't bother ingratiating myself with these reality stars though because a) they were were liable to punch me, and b) I do have standards. Besides, my friends from Seventh Heaven happened to be there, and I couldn't let them think that I actually care about reality stars. Needless, to say, I did try to snap a photo with my camera phone, but... well... the darkness kills me every time.

Posted by at 11:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

The Smoking Gun is reporting on Janelle's criminal past. Thanks to TVgasm reader Sandy for pointing this out. Thanks to Officer Carter for arresting Janelle, and thanks to Janelle for being dumb.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 10:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Janelle by day Trannysforms into American Gladiator Siren by night

People in the Big Brother House can be so cryptic

Any square-jawed football player would have worked here

DeVito, Dumb Ass, Da Ball

Maggie could be mistaken for Chloe Sevigny

Or she could be mistaken for BB5 twins Adria/Natalie...

....Which is unfortunate since this was last years' Adria Double Take

Shhhhh, no words. Embrace the visual accuracy.

Vist the REALITY DOUBLE TAKE VAULT 1 and VAULT 2

According to the latest edition of the top-secret UTA Joblist, an assistant position has opened up for what can only be considered the most sought-after management company in Los Angeles. I'll let the blurb explain:

Executive Assistant needed for a boutique management & production company who represent Ann-Margret, Engelbert Humperdinck, and developmental clients. Role includes general administrative/office duties, screening calls, coordinating travel with travel agents, production companies, tour managers etc., and coordinating PR for clients. Knowledge of Outlook, Word, & Excel.

Working for Engelbert and Ann-Margret? How lucky can one person be? The only thing missing is Robert Goulet. Good luck to all applicants!

Posted by at 7:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

A few weeks ago, Average Joe: The Joes Strike Back quietly returned to NBC. I don't know how I missed it, but luckily, I managed to get the past few episodes on TiVo. Normally, I'd be upset at missing so many installments, but then again, everyone knows this show only gets interesting once the "hunks" show up. Watching them bully around the geeks, dweebs, and spazzes is always amusing and frustrating. The conflict is great, but it's painful to watch these guys curl up and take the abuse.

Surely, I thought I'd be over this show after the feel-good romp that was Beauty and the Geek, but after having caught the last two episodes this afternoon, I remembered why this was the only dating show I'm able to tolerate. And hey, it looks like one of the Average Joes might actually have a chance at winning this thing.

Because I'm too lazy to do a recap this week, I've instead opted to provide a few choice images from the past three weeks. More after the jump...

After having kissed another guy, Carson tries to reassert his masculinity by sucking in his stomach. Check out those nipple rings though. VERY manly.

Anna should really stay out of the sun more.

Josh goes from scary mountain man...

...to scary corporate man. Thanks Average Joe!

Posted by at 6:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Big Brother fans had a special treat last night. Not only did we get to see a near-brawl in the household, but our favorite prime time robot Julie Chen showed up on Letterman to gab about her life, her career, and of course, Les Moonves. It was kind of odd seeing the Chenbot running her "relaxed banter" program, and while her tales of backhoes in Dayton, Ohio were fascinating, I found myself oddly transfixed by her billowing helmet of hair that refused to move, no matter how often she shook her head.

More pics of the Chenbot after the jump...

Is Julie "But First"-ing Letterman?

Uh oh. CHENBOT MALFUNCTION! Fix the wiring, STAT!!

Classic Julie awkwardness.

How much fun is Julie having? Check out how wide her mouth gets:

Yay Chenbot!

Posted by at 4:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Ever wonder what happened to Angela after her stints on Road Rules and Battle of the Sexes 2? Well, if you turned on HBO this weekend, you might have found her on Entourage prancing around topless. Okay, the nudity was far off in the background, but it was still Angela. I feel kind of bad for Entourage. It thinks it's all cool with cameos from James Cameron and Peter Dinklage, but then it has to sully up all its hipster cred by casting a low-rent Bunim/Murray star (who's not even from The Real World). For shame...

A topless screencap of Angela after the jump...

Click on the pick to see an enlarged and kind of enhanced view.

Also, for those of you wanting to see more of Angela's work, check out this video:

Posted by at 2:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Love was in the air on tonight's extra-romantic edition of The Real World: Austin. Rachel found a hunky new beau to cuddle with while Wes and Nehemiah pathetically attempted to bed every blonde-haired woman from Austin to Houston. Thankfully, the plucky residents of Texas rejected these lecherous reality stars, leaving all our best buds with some wounded egos and an extra dose of horniness. It wasn't a total wash though. At least one person got to orgasm tonight, and that would be Lacey, whose eyes surely rolled back in her head with all the gossip she was able to spread. Not a bad way to spend a Tuesday night.

I approached tonight's episode with a certain amount of dread. After all, the pre-show recap focused almost entirely on Rachel and her boyfriend Eric. The two are on a break, you see, which means that Rachel has the right to not only slut it up around town, but then come crying back to Eric on the phone asking for forgiveness. It's really the perfect way to maximize your screen time (cough, Shavonda, cough). So what would tonight have in store for us? Drunken hookups? Teary-eyed apologies? A visit to Jenny Craig? Eh, sort of.

Turns out tonight's episode was thankfully lighthearted, making all the proceedings entirely more enjoyable than The Plight Of Melinda we witnessed three weeks ago. The show kicked off with highly suggestive imagery of fountains spewing and gushing (like semen!). Might this be a theme? Perhaps. We then cut to Rachel clawing at her boyfriend's sticky package. No, not his penis. Turns out Eric had actually sent her a mysterious box that was sticky, wet, and basically a giant red flag for Homeland Security. What could he have possibly packed in there? Maple syrup? Eggs? Semen? (That's the theme, after all).

No, the sticky goo turned out to be melted ice cream. And not just any ice cream. Cotton Candy Ice Cream -- Rachel's fave. Unfortunately, it had all melted (shocker!) because Eric had packed it with... (sigh)... regular ice. There was so much idiocy inherent in this little scene that I thought my head might explode. I couldn't tell what I hated more: that some incredibly dumb human shipped ice cream with ice or that some incredibly dumb human loves cotton candy ice cream. Well, we later found out that Eric indeed used dry ice, so I guess the winner is Rachel and her stupid cotton candy ice cream.

Anyway, the melted ice cream quickly stank up the house and became ground zero for everyone's derision. We then cut to Lacey, cackling, "Who's the outcast now, BITCH!" Okay, she didn't say that, but Melinda did ask the question most on our minds: "Who sends ice cream in the mail?" My thoughts exactly. And with that, Melinda and I found ourselves on the same wavelength for the first and possibly last time ever.

Well, Eric's gift may have all been melted and ruined, but Rachel was still happy. "Ice cream is the way to get my heart," she said, adding, "Actually, any food will do, really. Now where's my Ring-Ding omelette?" Later, after storing the remaining ice cream in the freezer (uh, ice cream doesn't re-freeze. I guess you weren't stationed at the Baghdad Ice Cream Parlor, WERE YOU?), Rachel called up her boy and thanked him. In baby talk. Yes. She's a baby talker. "Ohhh baby. I don't know what happened, but thank you so much, honey. It still made me smile and laugh," she said in the sort of cutesy-wootsy voice that makes you want to just grab her head and plunge it into a vat of melted cotton candy ice cream. Seriously, there are very few people I can tolerate baby talk from, and guess what? THEY'RE ALL BABIES.

Hey, let's play Fill In The Blank. In an interview, Rachel said, "I'm on a break with Eric because____."

A) He can't provide ice cream in its optimal form.
B) He's been hitting buffets with other women.

or

C) I just want to be wild and crazy!

As logical as A and B are, the correct answer is C. Rachel just wants to party, and dammit if some lowly person who cares for her is gonna hold her back. We then cut to her dancing at a bar, and man, was she going crazy. With her index fingers pointed towards the ceiling and her arms see-sawing up and down, Rachel seemed to be imitating every senior citizen that ever danced to "Love Shack" at a Bat Mitzvah.

While Rachel flailed about, our old buddy Wes surfaced to talk about how much ass he was getting. "I meet fifty girls a night," he said, adding, "Well, I mean, I look at their pictures on MySpace and think about emailing them. It's pretty cool." Yes, it's hard to believe that Wes is a casanova, especially when he says things like, "A lot of them just throw themselves at me." Well, technically, they're shoving you out of the way so they can go throw up somewhere, but that's okay. You say potato, and I say you're an idiot.

Ah, but Wes wasn't done. "Nehemiah and me. We're gonna have competitions to see who can hook up with the most girls." Hey, didn't he say that on day one about Danny? I guess since Danny has "game" and Wes "doesn't," we had to even the playing field by taking on Nehemiah instead. Hmmm...something tells me that by next week, Wes will be boasting, "So you know that retarded guy who bags groceries at the super market? Yeah, well, we're gonna have a competition to see who can hook up with the most girls. It'll be awesome."

Back to Rachel. While Wes was being one Wild And Crazy Guy, Rachel managed to fall in love with a local bouncer named Collin. No, he didn't present her with a box of melted ice cream (c'mon, he's not perfect), but he did give her slightly more attention than most of the other guys at the bar, and that was enough for the little hearts to appear in her eyes. The next day, Rachel babbled to Melinda about her attraction to Collin. Surely it couldn't happen, she reasoned, because "I think he's really like a nine, and I'm like a seven." Well, maybe an Iraq War seven. Just because you're hotter than Lynndie England doesn't make you the belle of Austin.

Anyway, Rachel also reminisced on the very first time she met Collin. "We were walking down the street, and he says, 'Free martinis for the ladies,' and then Wes said, 'Can I get one?'" So either Wes thinks he's a lady, or he just really likes martinis. Coincidence? I think gay. I mean, I think not.

Actually, a free drink is a free drink. I can't come down too harshly on Wes for trying to finagle one for himself. But I can come down harshly on his relentlessly poseur ways. Case in point: After a week of promos, we finally saw the notorious "Groupie Drawer." It was a drawer where Nehemiah and Wes deposited all the numbers they had received from drunken women across the city. Normally, I'm sure people might be mildly shocked at this quietly chauvinistic conceit, but I thought it was great. I mean, any girl who hands over her number to these losers simply because they have a camera crew deserves to be objectified in the Groupie Drawer.

Well, because Wes is such a ladies man, he casually went over the Groupie Drawer and asked, "Who do I want to have sex with tonight?" He then pulled out a number and squealed, "Oh good! Steve! Uh, I mean, Stevette. He's a girl. I mean, she's a guy. I mean, uh, I gotta go."

Anyway, because he and Nehemiah were having such a hard time remembering what all these girls looked like, Wes suggested that the two buy a Polaroid. And he wasn't joking. Yes, that'll be real smooth in a bar. Girls LOVE creepy strangers who take their photos for their own personal use! At the very least, invest in a digital camera. Might as well try to make your documentation seem somewhat spontaneous.

Well, after Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dumb finally selected which girls they'd like to have sex with (and by "sex," I mean, "fantasize about"), the two guys headed into the phone lounge to make some calls. But uh oh! Guess who was on the phone?? Our old friend Lacey. PERFECT. Doesn't she realize that the attractive people need to use the phone? Shoo, outcast, shoo!

Lacey then told us in an interview that she felt it was weird that the guys were calling all these girls and inviting them over. And yet, she happily sat next to Nehemiah and Wes, carefully observing their every move and soaking up any potential morsels of gossip. Must...cause...trouble...

We now pause to say hi to Danny. Everyone wave hi to Danny and his ice pack. Hi Danny! Okay, back to the show.

After calling about half the population of Austin, Wes finally managed to wrangle four girls. And being the cool guy that he is, when the ladies arrived at the house, Wes barely even said anything to them before hopping back into the pool. Eventually, one of the gals said, "I didn't know I should bring my bathing suit." That's girl talk for "Get out of the pool and pay attention to us." And you know what, she wasn't crazy for implying that. She was, after all, a guest. But let's not forget, all these women didn't have penises, so, well, you can see the inherent problem for Wes.

Behold Lacey - Queen of the Pool Noodles!!!!

At this point, Nehemiah told us, "Wes does not necessarily have game that I'm seeing." Ah, but then Melinda commented that Nehemiah "probably doesn't have too much game with women." So basically Wes and Nehemiah have no skillz with the ladies? But surely anyone who has a Groupie Drawer and a burgeoning Polaroid collection fund must have game. For goodness sake, they showed the women their suede sheets. What more do they need?? Stimulating conversation? Psssh. Now you're talkin' crazy.

Well, in a not so shocking turn of events, the girls all left without hooking up with Wes or Nehemiah. Man, that's just sad. Even the guys from Philadelphia could peddle their low wattage celebrity for at least a smooch in the hot tub. But alas. By the end of the night, Wes was probably still asking, "Who do I want to have sex with tonight?" but I'm pretty sure his options were now limited to "left hand" or "right." "I'm gonna go nuts tomorrow, dude. I'm gonna make out with thirty girls," he said. Hey man, kissing the pages of Victoria's Secret doesn't count. And neither does the J.C. Penney circular. You know that, right?

The next day, Rachel ran into Collin at a bar, and as they flirted, she told us, "I've crawled through barbed wire and shot a gun...I definitely need a tough man." She then added, "Speaking of Iraq, did I mention I was in Iraq? Because I was. In Iraq, that is." Well, Rachel is such a tough girl that she busted out her baby talk once again. Back at the house, she told the girls in that obnoxious voice, "I like Collin. He held my hand all night." Actually, he was just trying to keep you from running off to Sizzler.

Speaking of food, Collin and Rachel eventually decided to go out for sushi, and thus we were treated to a lovely montage of birds and bees flittering around Austin. Honestly, I'm surprised we didn't see any trains in tunnels, rockets taking off, or at the very least, used condoms on the sidewalk.

Anyway, as Rachel prepped for her big date, Johanna noted, "You're going out to sushi, which means you have to be classy and delicate." Hmmm...that's a tall order. Maybe she should just stay home with the cotton candy ice cream. Well, eventually, there was a knock at the door, and hey, was that Casper the Friendly Ghost talking to Rocco DiSpirito? Oh, never mind. It was just Lacey greeting Collin.

After some small talk, the two lovebirds headed out on their date, with Collin looking ever so classy and delicate in his baseball cap and basketball jersey. The two shared sake bombs and then returned to the house where they chatted (more baby talk -- I hate you Rachel) and then made out in bed. We then paused for a commercial break, and when we returned, apparently a little drama had occurred. Rachel had kicked Collin out of bed because she was tired and he was drunk. Sounds harmless enough, right? Well, the wonder twins (a.k.a. Wes and Lacey) had a field day gossiping about it. The two babbled about Rachel, agreeing that she was very rude to Collin by kicking him out of bed. "'Get off me, I'm done, I'm going to bed'? She's treating this like a man," said Wes. Seriously, Rachel WTF?? Why aren't you being a good woman and letting Collin decide when he wants to leave? Now get back in that kitchen and make him a meal!

WonderTwins: UNITE!

Speaking of feminine touches, Wes was still determined to prove his masculinity. He made a bet with Johanna that at the club, she would get to pick a girl from "the eight to ten category" and then Wes would have exactly fifteen minutes to make out with her. If he failed, he would then have to make out with the ugliest girl in the bar. This was actually pretty sweet. It was kind of like a teen movie, except with stronger undercurrents of closeted homosexuality.

We then cut to the club where oh my gosh! It's Harry Potter gettin' down with the ladies!! Oh, never mind. It was just Wes. Honestly, slap some thick framed glasses on him, and we'd have the world's favorite little wizard. Anyway, it was time for Wes to perform. He attempted to hit on a girl named Reesa, but, well, this was not the brightest pairing in the world. "Tell me one thing about you that is individualistic," said Wes. Yes, apparently before he makes out with the girls, he wants them to fill out a college application. Reesa's response: "I'm from Houston." Ah. And that makes you individualistic how? Yes, I'm so unique that I live in a metropolitan area...with MILLIONS of other people!

Anyway, it was time for Wes to really get his game on. He told Reesa and her two friends that he would kiss all three of them and then choose who he'd take back with him. You promise? Well, the girls may not have known what "individualistic" meant, but at least they could sniff out a poseur. All three decidedly rejected Wes, sending him back into the cackling arms of Johanna and Rachel. So did he still have to make out with an ugly girl? I can just imagine Wes's reaction: "Are you really gonna make me kiss an ugly girl? Because that's f*cked up. And don't you dare change the rules and make me kiss a guy. Because I don't want to...but I hate to welch on a bet. So if it means keeping my word, then yes, I will make out with any man in this bar."

The next day, Wes called up his friend Crystal to gossip about Rachel. "Rachel's so bad about relationships, it's not even funny," he said, adding, "Anyway, did I tell you about the girls I didn't make out with last night?" Now, I don't know who this Crystal person is, but I think she might be from Austin because she seemed to know quite a bit about this Collin character. In fact, she had some harsh news. Collin had a girlfriend. Yes! I knew this would be a rehashing of Lori's crush on Harry Winston doorman (turned Bachelorette contestant) Jerry. You just know that whenever Bunim/Murray plays patronizing music for a whole episode and peppers a storyline with silly sexual imagery that the romance will end up in ruins. After all, had these lovebirds actually become a couple, the episode would have been filled with lusty music and earnest proclamations like, "I...I think I really like him" and "For the first time, I feel myself opening up" and "We really connect. It's crazy."

Anyway, after having his powwow with the mysterious Crystal, Wes alerted Rachel that Collin had said, "I'm going after Rachel because I can." Ouch! Looks like he met a bet with Johanna too! Well, Rachel looked fairly devastated by the news, and I'm surprised she didn't immediately pour a box of cotton candy ice cream down her mouth Popeye style. Instead, she and her posse returned to Collin's bar where she found him with his girlfriend (who was significantly hotter than Rachel. An Iraq 9, probably). At one point, it looked like Collin was coming over to apologize, but oh SNAP! He just tapped his buddy instead. Looks like your number is going back in his groupie drawer, Rachel.

The episode ended with Rachel calling up Eric and saying how much she loves him. It was her way of saying, "Thanks for loving me. Because no one else will. By the way, could you send me some fried chicken in the mail?"

What did you think? How dumb is Wes?

Posted by at 1:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (31)

Some people believe that this season of Big Brother is not as stellar as seasons past. On the surface, I would have to agree. Up until this point, there really hasn't been all that much in terms of conflict. But come on, having to follow the first few weeks of Scott and Jase is a big challenge, and things will get moving. Eric nominated Janelle and Michael because he saw them as a threat, and they were. Those two are the only ones who aren't falling all over themselves to kiss Eric's ass. As any good fascist knows, you can't let the people go against you and start coming up with their own ideas. You know, like eating the ice cream within eight hours or complaining about people doing badly in food challenges. But don't worry, as Eric proved this week, he will do anything to keep his little one-week monarchy going strong.

One of the great things about Big Brother is that the people on the inside are so very, very, isolated. In only a few weeks, the people living in the Big Brother house start to develop their very own sense of reality. It's really an alternate reality, sort of like a twilight zone, where people think they are much more good looking, smart, and talented than what they would be in the real world. Upon leaving the house, they are shocked to see what their actions on the inside meant to the millions watching the show. Usually, it's a lot different from how they perceive themselves. Case in point? Eric. He must think that he is a standup guy and plays the game smart. In reality, he comes across as a paranoid, trollish control-freak and most of America is going to cheer when he gets the boot. Please leave lots of disparaging comments so he can read just how much America thanks him for subjecting them to his rule during this past week of Big Brother.

But back to the nominations. Eric is saying that Michael couldn't be trusted because of the company he was keeping. You remember all of those people Michael liked to hang out with during the first part of the show like Kaysar and James. Michael had to be nominated just in case he was planning on making an alliance with the two of those guys and somebody else. Oh wait, they did make an alliance? Now we see why Eric was paranoid! Wait, you're saying that Michael, Kaysar and James made the alliance with Eric? Well, at least his reason for nominating Janelle was good. He "just knew" that he would be nominated. The reason? Mostly because the voices in his head told him, but also because she didn't kiss his ass.

And speaking of kissing ass, why is everybody so interested in making sure they kiss Eric's? Not five minutes after the nomination ceremony and people are in there telling him how great he is. First up is Maggie, which is not surprising, but all of the normal crew decide to make an appearance as well. Michael commented that Eric had no real leadership and his skills at being a leader depended on the weaknesses of others, and he seems to be capitalizing. Now, I hate Eric, but he is a fire captain, and they aren't just going to give that position to an idiot right? Then again, leading people into a burning building is not the same as scheming a lasting strategy on a reality show, and Eric definitely depends on weak minds to keep his power in the house.

Although Janelle was nominated, she is pretty happy. Everybody truly seems to be plugging for Michael. Still, she's sorry that he was nominated basically for hanging out with her. Beau overhears it and says that she doesn't know half the story. Michael uses this time to try and cause a little bit of dissension within the ranks, by telling Beau that he had a deal with Eric and Kaysar from day one. He then gets all J.R.R. Tolkein on us us and says "Your little friend has a poisoned tongue which I intend to cut out". Oooh! With that kind of knowledge, Beau might be taking a little bit of a different look at Eric, right? Sadly, no. Beau goes right to Eric, who explains that Michael would do anything to save himself.

While I like that Michael is going to try and go down in flames, his scheming leaves a lot to be desired. He knows how to push people's buttons, that's for sure. At one point he just stood in the kitchen and stared Eric down. You know that Eric won't be able to stand this because he is a paranoid to the point of needing haldol or perphenazine. On top of that, he can't let Michael "win" because doing so would lead people to believe that he is not the great leader that he has made himself out to be. What Michael really needs is somebody to talk strategy and keep himself focused. You think that person would be Kaysar, but Kaysar is now seemingly convinced that he is going to follow everybody else and hope to get by without being noticed. He also has his own trendy ironic t-shirt that says "Department of Redundancy Department" which is kind of funny, but still makes me want to slap him, sort of like the time I saw Indian Jones wearing that "Strictly for My Ninjas" shirt.

Now that we have spent enough time with the basics, it is time to continue with SUMMER OF SECRETS. This time, the focus was on the exercise room. It wasn't hidden like the gold room, but it was being protected by the lock. The house guests had no clue about it until Ivette saw a clue on the refrigerator. By the way, when you look at Ivette, can't you just tell that she is going to be the first in line for one of those montages around week 6 or 7 that picks on a houseguest because they have gained a lot of weight? Without the benefit of malnourishment, how in the hell is she going to keep the weight off? Not only was it ironic that she found the clue, but she happened to be an idiot as well. She found the clue when she came into the house, most likely right after everybody was outside and the shades were drawn while employees reconfigure the inside. Still, upon seeing it in the kitchen, she proceeded to ask if any of the others had put it there. Yes Ivette, they somehow managed to turn on that iMac in the HoH room, found some glossy paper, and started photoshop magic. How in the hell does she think a huge swimming pool with two huge surfboards got into the backyard the first episode? It wasn't her teammates!

The clue simply said that it "was time to get in shape". Immediately a few people run to see if there is anything different, and Michael notices right away that there is a clock where there used to be empty wall. I am not sure how many paint chips these people ate when they were younger, but nobody managed to put this knew time-telling device together with their clue that mentioned "time". Then Sarah, displaying a skill of problem solving not seen since the time a dog first learned it could lick it's own balls, figured that the time on the clock just might have something to do with the lock. The clock said 5:34, and sure enough, that was the combination. Mystery solved! Sarah was so happy, partly because she finally got some screen time, and party because she hadn't had to sue that much of her brain since picking her lotto numbers.

The exercise room was just what they needed. You know, now maybe Eric would lighten up a little bit since he had a chance to work off all of that built up rage he has pumping inside. I had speculated that Eric had used steroids, but I was just sort of making a joke about his napoleon complex/rage issues. Then we learn that Eric used to be a bodybuilder. Now I am guessing that he did this bodybuilding before he was married and had kids and was on the fire department. Bodybuilding makes your body huge, but you have to eat and work out so much, it doesn't leave you with much else. Therefore, let's say he was doing his thing like 15 or 20 years ago. Steroids were RAMPANT in the business, just ask Arnold, who freely admits to using. SUMMER OF SECRETS.

New exercise equipment is not enough to get people to stop scheming, and it surely hasn't stopped Michael from trying to help his own cause in the game. But again, he is good at stirring things up and is not really a good tactical player. More and more, he is getting disturbed that he is being singled out not for how he played the game, but for the way people thought about his character, and it seems that the person trying to poison his character is Eric. April told Eric that Michael was making sexual advances on her, and that it could be considered sexual harassment if it was a workplace situation.

I was one of the people who thought Michael was sketchy, but his actions weren't cause to be banished, were they? Michael in general can't read body language. He probably had no idea that the girls were upset, so why act like it was the crime of the century? We see Howie running around wearing girls' underwear, talking about lesbionic couples, and telling dirty jokes, and nobody is stopping him. I understand why Michael may have thought this environment would be safe for his antics. I don't condone them and he should stop if anybody voices their disapproval, but the only people who were bothered by Michael only spoke to Eric, who then took the time to speak to Michael, who was generally surprised at the revelation and said he would stop. End of story? No. Eric is more than just Head of Household, he is saint, and can't let such things happen on his watch.

Michael is slightly agitated about what is going on, and once more he has no clue how to formulate a plan to get back at people, so he just does his own little crazy impression. While Jennifer and Maggie are doing their power walk around the back yard, Michael comes in and asks them if they knew he was a molester. They ignored him, but he asked again, maybe a little more loudly. He was annoying, but eventually Janelle and Kaysar got him to shut up. Maggie wants to know what the hell was going on, so she reports to Eric, saying that Michael was out of line. He wasn't acting threatening, but it was his body language that told the true story. Uh, you mean when he was lounging in the couch shouting just now? That hardly qualifies as scary body language. Other postures that intimidate Maggie include touching your toes and handstands.

That is some intimidating posture!

Seriously though, Rachel just said that they were saying bad things, but Eric didn't even ask what any of those bad things were. Most likely Rachel heard grandparents, and then some laughing and assumed the worst. While I was loving it, practically knocking the diet Dr. Pepper all over the TVgasm offices, it just served to flame Eric's fire even more. But then came the escalation.

Ivette walked into the bedroom just as Michael was leaving, so he gave her a friendly burp and said "That was just for you." Ivette replied "I hope your mother enjoyed that", trying to make him feel bad for doing it on nationall TV. Michael thought it was just a joke and replied "I hope your mother enjoyed that too!" Well that was the last straw! How dare Michael mention Ivette's family like that. Ivette immediately went to tell everybody the horror. For all of the complaining people have done about Michael talking behind their backs, they surely don't mind when Ivette talks behind people's back, especially when she was doing her impression of Michael's walk. I thought she was funny, but also thought her mannerisms made her look more like Neanderthal Eric than Predator Michael. But the gist of the whole thing was that she was Latina and if Michael didn't watch out, she would get Cuban on his ass! So I guess Michael can look forward to free healthcare, some tasty cigars, and lots of good baseball. Sweet!

Everybody was fine talking about Michael, and then he comes out into the backyard. Eric has been talking about what he is going to do if somebody talks about his family, and you know that if Michael even glances in his direction, Eric will take that as a declaration of war. Michael does manage to glance over, and Eric starts talking to him to stop talking about his family. Although it probably would have done Michael well to defend himself with some logic, he went on to dot he next best thing, which is to tell Eric he is all talk and then mock him for being a midget and having a small penis. Things just start to get CRAZY from there.

Huh? How is not following Ivette's poorly formed argument tantamount to not respecting women? Normally, Kaysar wouldn't get into anybody's face, but he did this time with Ivette. I suppose that he took the phrase "you don't respect women" as a slur against his religion, and I actually thought that he was going to punch her in the face, but he restrained himself although when he did so it was already a little too late. Soon afterwards the disembodied voice of Big Brother instructed everybody to separate areas of the house.

When things came back, everybody had to get together and talk about things. Eric seemed very contrite, saying that despite what he would say, he would never physically harm people. He even took his time to shake hands with Michael afterwards. I am sure people saw Eric crying (YET AGAIN) and believed him, but Michael was having none of that. He knew it was fake, and his words of advice were to not rely on second, third, or fourth accounts of conversations people overheard. Imagine that, Michael thinks that words actually have some sort of context and that context might be important before deciding to lynch somebody without knowing the circumstances of the offender's words.

After that, there was not much left except the Veto competition. Janelle picked Rachel, Eric picked James (as a misdirection) and Michael picked Howie after Kaysar said he wouldn't use the veto because it might make him a target. Oh, you think? How about helping your ally every now and then? The Veto competition was called "High and Dry" Teams traveled across a zip line, trying to fill a box with water using plastic jugs. It took a while for people to get the point of this game, or at least formulate a strategy. Some filled the jugs and poured them into the box by using the bottom(wide) part of the jug. Others were smart enough to see that you could use the neck and spout of the jug to pour it in more quickly and smoothly. Nobody among them realized that they could use more than one jug at a time by sticking it into the box and using the zip line to get more water using another one of the jugs they were given, while the other was emptying into the box. I think it could have been a winning strategy, but whatever. Instead, James took home the veto by only 13 seconds over Michael.

It looks like Michael is a goner. He had a chance to get some votes in his favor, but turned out to be a younger, taller version of Eric's psychopathic tendencies. The most interesting thing about the eviction night looks to be just how strange that exit interview with Julie Chen is going to be.

What do you think about how the people on the elimination block reacted? Is Michael or Eric more crazy? Will Julie Chen outdo Kelly's camel toe?

Posted by at 2:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (56)

The Summer of Secrets continued tonight on Big Brother, as Head of Household George nominated Judge John Roberts for eviction. The first 15 minutes of the show (at least on the East Coast) were dominated by George droning on and on about what a "good heart" John has (or "Judgey," as Ivette calls him) and how the nomination was, of course, "nothing personal."

Kaysar, meanwhile, has been bombed.

Posted by at 6:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Remember Robb from Survivor: Thailand? You know, the gangly skater punk who nearly choked poor little Clay to death during a reward challenge? Well, he's back, and he's hawking movie tickets for MovieTickets.com! Great to see that his career has taken off. Maybe soon he'll get to be an extra on Scrubs!

Posted by at 4:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Click on Shandi to hear her cry.

If there's anything we know about reality stars, it's that they always cheat on their loved ones. In season two of America's Next Top Model, contestant Shandi betrayed her home town honey by sleeping with another man in Italy. Click on the pic above to hear the vintage audio clip of her blubbering confession.

Posted by at 4:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

You never know what horrors you'll find on a Hollywood studio lot...

Posted by at 3:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

First things first: tonight's episode of Hell's Kitchen was awesome. For the first time all season, I was completely absorbed by the show because for once there actually seemed to be both an emotional component and a palpable dramatic thru-line as well. It also helped that Gordon wasn't just a windbag of cursing and forced zingers. He was approachable and friendly too. Hence, the bizarrely gooey ending. There was so much schmaltz I thought I was watching a sneak peak of The Ghost Whisperer. I loved it. Seriously though, I hope the producers take note. This was the sort of episode we should be getting each week next season. Otherwise, the viewers might just SHUT IT DOWN!

Okay, okay, so before I write any more, I want to issue a formal apology. At the end of my last Hell's Kitchen recap, I said I'd be whipping up a recap for the second hour of last week's marathon installment. Well, I lied. Actually, it wasn't really a lie. I had every intention of writing the damn thing, but with me traveling across the country and Big Brother stinking up my free time, I simply had to nix the whole article. Here's what you missed though.

"Dirty Bowl Jimmy" won his first challenge where he masterfully flambéd some pears without knocking down every single object around him. He went up in a helicopter and smiled a lot, but when he returned to the kitchen, it was chaos as usual. Sous chefs Scott and Maryann took the night off, which afforded us the rare glimpse of Maryann and her stylin' casual wear (khakis? button down? sexay!). Elsie spent the evening making Caesar salad and flambéing table side, while in the kitchen -- ahem, Hell's Kitchen -- Jimmy and Gordon got into a fight, which undoubtedly gave Ralph a boner. Also, the lights went out in the dining room for about five minutes (Hell's Generator saved the day) and Jessica managed to start a small bonfire with every dish she cooked. Jimmy was eventually eliminated, but not before Gordon professed his man love, saying that Jimmy should hold his head up high, yeah? Also, in honor of Gordon, I'm going to add "yeah?" into my colloquial patterns more often.

And now the continuation of Hell's Kitchen recaps.

Tonight's hour began with the baby chefs all returning to their dorms to celebrate their success. Apparently the cameramen were out celebrating too because all the footage had the grainy feel of a 1998 webcam. Thanks Fox. Love watching Quicktime on my flatscreen TV.

Anyway, we sat and watched all the contestants explain to us how important it was for them to be in the final four, and this of course led to this week's crazy solo talker. First we had Michael, then Andrew, and now...Ralph! "Three people between me and my restaurant," he mumbled to himself. He then added, "At least three people that aren't in my head. Like you, Cecil. Shut up Ralph! No, you shut up Cecil. Don't call me Cecil -- I'm Bernice! I don't care what your name is. You're a slut! A SLUT!" Ralph then slapped himself several times and cowered in the corner. Okay, that didn't exactly happen. Ralph merely noted that the possibility of having his own restaurant was "f*ckin' huge." Insert erection joke here.

Anyhoooo, the next morning everyone assembled in front of G-Ram with glum looks on their faces. "Everyone's so serious this morning!" remarked the chef. Yes, because you're always such a bundle of fun and levity. But seriously, they did just watch Million Dollar Baby before walking in the kitchen. It can really be a killjoy.

Okay, well this week's challenge was pretty interesting. Ramsey announced that the chefs would have fifteen minutes to cook up a dish from fifteen leftovers. Whoever maximizes the table scraps would win. And what would they win? "The winner of this challenge will do what every chef in America would love to do," said Ramsey. Hmmm...what could it be? Fly? Everyone wants the power to fly! Wow, some lucky chef is gonna be a superhero!

Anyway, Elsie approached the task with great confidence. "I am the leftover queen," she said. Also feeling cocky though was Jessica who commented, "My mom is the inspiration of my dish. She's always throwing things together." Yes, Jessica's preparing fresh compost. Delicious!

As for Ralph, he told us that he would be making sauté of chicken drumlets. Any white peaches on top, perchance? Or maybe another wildly incongruous addition -- like hot fudge? Unfortunately no. Ralph did not make another misguided attempt at nouveau cuisine. Finally though, everyone finished up their dishes and presented them to Ramsey on a silver platter.

"Chef Ramsey believes the key to any successful restaurant is utilizing leftovers from the previous night's dinner service," explained the narrator. Yeah, we figured that one out, what with the three minutes we just watched of the leftover challenge. By the way, does this mean that if we eat at a Gordon Ramsey restaurant, we'll only get casseroles and stews? You know what, let's just move on...

Well, as I said before, the chefs all lined up in front of Ramsey with their dishes, ready to present their creations. "Now it's time to see what the aspiring chefs have come up with," noted the narrator. Oh really?? I thought they were all just standing there for completely random reasons. Wow. It totally makes sense now. They're standing with their food because they want Gordon to taste it. Without that narrator, I'd be more lost than Helen Keller - well, anywhere.

First up was Jessica who had cooked up a beef stew and desert of berries and cream. Regarding the former dish, Gordon said, "Actually looks like a mess but tastes delicious." Not bad, Jess! Maybe to celebrate you'll get another tribal tattoo? No? Okay, that's fine.

Next was Michael who served up a pasta dish with chicken wings. Despite the strong presentation, Ramsey rejected the dish, saying it tasted bland. He also didn't like that the chicken was still on the bone. Ouch. Unlike Deadeye Dick, Gordon do eat meat, but he doesn't like the bone.

Hey, remember Ralph's chicken drumlets? Well, now it was time to present them, but now he was calling them drumsticks. I'm surprised he didn't try to get all official sounding and say, "This is from the drum region of the chicken." Gordon liked Ralph's presentation greatly and called the flavor "not bad," but uh oh. Ralph's artistic touch did him in again. This time? Raw onions. Mmmm... Okay, it wasn't as crazy as white peaches on a ribeye, but, well, let's just say Ralph is to experimental cuisine what Jeff Zucker is to comedy development: not so wonderful (although, NBC's one-two punch of Joey and Committed was quite special).

Last up was Elsie who shared a laugh with Ramsey as she humbly offered up a bowl of chicken soup. Oh. That's...nice. "Looks like something out of a sewage canal," mocked Ramsey. I'll give him a Zing for that. He branched out from his typical turd-based humor; so that's gotta be worth something. Anyway, despite Elsie's soup looking like a bowl of diarrhea, Gordon had extremely high praise for it, saying, "That's delicious." We then cut away to commercial, but not before G-Ram tantalized us once again by saying, "The person winning the challenge today is gonna be doing something very, very different. Very exciting." I'm just gonna put it out there: performance art.

After the break, we returned to discover the winner of the leftover challenge was Elsie. Good for Elsie! Since Dewberry's untimely exit several weeks ago, Elsie's been my favorite chef. I could only image what sort of crazy reward awaited her. In the meantime, the narrator piped up to say, "With Elsie having been on the winning side of five challenges, the others are getting tired of her success, especially Ralph who hasn't been rewarded with a trip outside the gates of Hell's Kitchen since he arrived." Funny, I couldn't tell that Ralph was bitter. I thought he was slamming dishware because he was giddy.

The next morning -- well, I'll let the narrator explain: "It's 7 AM, and Elsie gets ready for her reward. She has no idea where her chicken soup is about to take her." And in case you were wondering, there was a big "7 AM" title on the screen as Elsie brushed her teeth and got dressed. But don't mind me. I could harp on this narrator all day long. Anyway, Elsie and Gordon hopped in a limo and headed off to Fox Studios where we found out the newbie chef would be cooking live across the nation. Yes, she'd be sassing it up on Good Day Live with dim bulbs Arthelle Neville, Steve Edwards, and, gulp, Debbie Matenopoulos. Is it any surprise this show's been cancelled? If the Jillian Barberie era constitutes the golden years of a series' run, you know you've got major problems.

"Tell me, does my oversized hand frighten you?"

While Elsie got all prepped to cook for Arthelle (the only Neville to not only sound like a girl but actually be a girl too), the rest of the homies stayed back in the kitchen and prepped. Everyone tried to guess what Elsie could possibly be doing, with Ralph suggesting, "Cooking for the governor?" Yes, that's exactly it. Elsie's going to cook breakfast for Arnold Schwarzenegger. Because that is "what every chef in America would love to do." Then again, I'm not so sure every chef in America would like to be on Good Day Live either. Either way, Ralph is dumb.

Anyway, as Elsie made her televised debut, the sous chefs called their lackeys into the bar area and made them watch. Ralph stewed with jealousy as he was deprived of the cushy, nationally aired spot. "I would much rather it be me," he said...on national television...in primetime.

Jessica, meanwhile, had a different take on the situation (albeit, still bitter). "Elsie's a little older, and you know, so were those women. So I think she got to kind of bond as far as that goes," she said. Yes, apparently Elsie spent her entire segment talking about menopause and what it's like to be older than twenty-six.

Well, soon it was back to work for the bitter trio. Ralph continued to grumble about missing out on the spotlight as he noted, "Elsie's over in the studio makin' hobnobbing with everyone." Huh? What does that even MEAN? How do you make hobnobbing? Is that slang for moonshine? Hootch? I got me a nice bottle of Hobnobbing. Gonna sell her for fifteen dollars. Maybe get me something real nice like.

Okay, okay. I know what Ralph meant, but I still reserve the right to be a sniveling blogger and poke fun at his grammar. Speaking of which, here's what else he had to say: While Elsie cavorts on TV, "we're putting the ax to the grind." Well, that was a lovely butchering of a traditional idiom. I'm pretty sure he meant, "We're putting our noses to the grindstone", but it was nice of him to pep it up with a little "I've got an ax to grind." Kind of gave it that catchy uneducated sound we've come to really enjoy from him.

Anyway, the three losers spent the morning bashing Elsie and conspiring against her. Ralph and sneaky Michael even made a pact not to help her that evening if she wound up over her head during the dinner service. Of course, when Elsie did finally return to the kitchen, she was greeted with such a shit-eating grin from Ralph that I couldn't help but be amused. This was reality fakery at its best. We were lucky to have witnessed it. As Ralph would say, "I've hit the nail on the jackpot!" (for more Ralph-ish idiom disasters, check this page out).

Just when we thought Ralph couldn't be out-phonied, our old snaky friend Michael stepped up to the plate to hit the ball out of the park. "No one was bitter at you or hated your or anything for that, you know?" he told Elsie. Wow, he just full-on lied to her. But wait! There's more. Here comes the bonus dose of passive aggression: "Obviously he expects something more from me from what I gave him, or I would have won. And you came through with what he was expecting from you, and you won." Ouch. Well played. But seriously, Elsie, no one was bitter.

Eventually, dinner service came around. As part of her reward, Elsie got to pick which people would be at which station. That's a pretty cool perk. Too bad it became completely irrelevant about two minutes later. Yes, after an hour of bumbling in the kitchen (during which Michael and Ralph spent a good amount of time helping Jessica), Gordon made everyone switch stations. His reasoning was that it would help open up the lines of communication in the kitchen, but we all knew it was just a cheap reality TV gimmick. Still, in an interview, Ralph said that he simply loved the switching. Ready for more Ralph-guistics? Here we go! "What it does is it separates the Knows and the Not Knows." Oh, VERY eloquent. Bravo! Might I also suggest "the wheat from the chaff" or "the good from the bad" or maybe just a GED??? Sorry, thinking out loud.

Anyway, much to Michael and Ralph's glee, Elsie began to struggle at her new station. You see, she had never actually prepared the dish she was supposed to be making -- and of course Michael wasn't about to teach her now. Luckily for her, it was soon time to switch again. You know, like that Will Smith song! That awful, awful Will Smith song!

Unfortunately, the new switch did little to help the kitchen. At one point, G-Ram looked at a plate and sneered, "That looks like Dewberry's dog's dinner!" Oooh, nice Dewberry callback. Forced, but welcomed. Meanwhile, at the garnish station (or "The Weeds" as Ralph called it), Elsie continued to languish, and when she asked Ralph where a sauce was, the asshole didn't even respond. Uh oh, this won't be good. Elsie slowly devolved, and like many a kitchen disasters, the missing sauce snowballed into pure chaos, causing Gordon to lash out and start up one of his patented tongue lashings. Ah, but this time, he did something different. He pulled Elsie into the other kitchen and gave her a pep talk. He even said that he believed in her. Whaaa?? Is this a kinder, gentler Ramsey? One that's capable of love and warmth? Me likey Happy Ramsey.

Elsewhere in the restaurant, one rotund lady sent back her dish because she found a splinter of wood in her lobster. Oh, spectacular. Looks like she got Hell's Lobster. Ramsey immediately attacked Jessica for the gaffe, calling her a "stupid idiot." Hey Jessica. You're a plank, plank. (He also called Jean Philippe "Mr. Belgian Man" -- a simple yet enjoyable moniker that I'll probably use from here on out). Anyway, upset at the kitchen's lack of productivity, Ramsey seethed out the words we've come to love: "SHUT IT DOWN!" And so ended another pathetic night at the restaurant.

Because everyone was so miserable in the challenge, Ramsey announced that he would do the nominating. The chefs then all returned to the dorms where they sat with long faces in the courtyard and smoked cigarettes. Elsie told her teammates that she expected to be going home, but when none of them even responded to her (what's up, seventh grade), she slunk away dejectedly like the scorned outcast she had become. I couldn't help feeling like this little scene shed some scary light on group dynamics in general. I mean, here are a bunch of people hating on this woman because she's performed better than all of them. So do they rise to the challenge and try to top her with their skills? No. Instead they sabotage her. Whoa, I just nearly veered into ranting social commentary. Never again. Never again.

Anyway, the four contestants returned to Ramsey to face the fire (HellFire, if you will). Michael noted to us in an interview that Elsie should go home because she had slowed them all down. Yeah, but maybe she slowed everyone down because no one could answer her very simple questions. Gordon clearly shared our sentiments as he asked Elsie, "Did you feel you got the support from three of your colleagues?" Amazingly, Elsie said yes! I know she was trying to take the high road, but this is a reality show. You gotta point the fingers!

Well, for the second time in as many episodes, the winner of the individual challenge got the boot. Elsie was kicked out over Jessica, and while I was very sad to see her go, the viewing audience certainly got a consolation prize in Gordon's cheesy final words. "You made a lot of people happy and very proud. You've come a long way, and for a woman who's never spent an hour in a professional kitchen, you impressed me." Wait for it... Wait for it...

"And behind that, you touched my heart."

Oh, G-RAM! You just touched our hearts!

But wait! There was more! Gordon then kissed Elsie on both cheeks and then added, "Keep smiling. You light up the place when you smile." Wow. This was like the reality equivalent of that scene in The Natural when the baseball hits the scoreboard.

Anyway, Elsie hugged all her teammates goodbye, and as she headed to the door, Gordon called out, "Elsie!" (Oh, if only she were on a train and he were on the platform running alongside). "I'm proud of you," said Ramsey lovingly.

"We all are," added Michael. Oh shut the f*ck up, you stupid asshole. Don't act like you had nothing to do with Elsie's demise. This is Elsie and G-Ram's scene. Not yours. Get your ass-kissing face out of my "Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong" moment.

What did you think of this episode? Were you sad to see Elsie go?

Posted by at 4:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (39)

The show began innocently enough with its downright creepy opening circus montage and early morning scenes of the houseguests. Instead of the normal 7 C-listers, there were 9. Apparently Janice Dickinson (The World's First Supermodel™) made the show's producers agree to allow her hair and makeup guys (Duke and Gabriel) prepare her for each day's shooting. I guess because she's Janice Dickinson (World's First Supermodel™), she can do these things. Oddly, she wasn't the least bit embarrassed by this extravagance but rather, seemed to revel in it. I'm just surprised that Duke and Gabriel signed the consent form, seeing as though their 2 hours of work made the old hag (and World's First Supermodel™) appear only slightly less old and haggish.

Once she was dolled up, the show could proceed with the day's first planned event - a Jose Canseco book signing. As everyone is undoubtedly aware, Jose recently wrote a book called "Juiced" in which he essentially said everyone in baseball is on steroids, including such media darlings as Mark McGwire. Initially, it appeared the entire crowd consisted of little kids, so there'd be no fireworks. Jose did joke (though he was probably somewhat serious) about security and that some people may want to shoot him. "Or maybe McGwire will send someone." Wow, the steroid charges were dicey enough, now he's saying McGwire is capable of hiring a hitman? Quick, someone call a congressional hearing! Once the little kids got their books, some older fanboys made their way to the table - and some of them were not happy. Jose Canseco is a big dude - a REALLY big dude. Some of these little twits, secure in the knowledge that they were on camera, tested the wife-beating convicted felon with things like, "Please sign the book 'To Matt, sorry I killed baseball.'" Five years ago in a coke-fueled 'roid rage, I think "To Matt, sorry I killed you," would have been more apt. Canseco is a prick, sure, but you just know that Matt is too.

The rules of the mystery game stated that one cast member would have to be the captain of the opposing team, so Janice magnanimously volunteered to do it. Once at the bowling alley, however, Janice suddenly changed her mind for no reason, forcing a different housemate to step up. It turned out to be Omarosa, which rubbed Janice the wrong way for some reason. She blurted out, "Omarosa, the whore," for all to hear. Just as these two women were about to come to blows, the coach for the other team announced their arrival. "Here they are! The Sunshine Strikers!" A quick shot of Janice saying "Oh. My. God." and it was time for a commercial.

Fortunately, TVgasm's ads are off to the side so we don't need to keep you waiting. But what if I want to? What if this annoying, useless, stupid pause is creating the necessary tension to introduce the main piece of my recap? See how that worked? Before I knew what had hit me, several retarded kids came bursting through a giant piece of paper with the "Sunshine Strikers" logo on it. Being retarded and all, each of them stumbled through it with the agility and aplomb of a drunken Kool Aid man. They each were told to scream an imposing scream and affect a tough-guy pose. Whoever came up with this idea needs to re-examine how this looks to a-holes like me. A Mongoloid in a "Pump me Up" stance shouting at the top of his lungs is, um, it's... ok, it's retarded. What do you want me to say? Balki, showing the world his tolerance and acceptance lamented, "Kill me now." Wow, it's not that bad, is it Balki? And besides, wouldn't you rather live with the whole lot of the Strikers rather than one Omarosa anyway?

Immediately, The Sunshine Strikers heckled the Surreal Lifers. "Gutta Baww," screamed Chastity at Caprice. "Bite me," yelled Christopher to Janice. Janice, being the World's First Supermodel™, refused to take such insults lying down. "Bite you? Bite me!" was her witty reply. Chris countered with "Yeah right Toots!" Just then, Balki attempted to bowl and ended up dropping his ball backwards. Just who are the retards here anyway? Wondrously inexplicable as this whole scene was, it was about to get even better.

And by "better" I mean "I can't believe what I'm hearing/seeing." Janice had finally had enough of Christopher's endless trash talking, so she tried to cool out with Balki. (I'm quoting, so don't blame me for the following two sentences.) "That little retard's gonna pop a f*ckin' vein. That little retard keeps telling me to bite him." "That little retard doesn't seem to appreciate what it means to be the World's First Supermodel™, what is he, retarded?" Sensing Janice was not exactly coming off in the best possible light, Balki whispered to her, "Don't use the word 'retards' because their parents can hear you." No, not because it's INCREDIBLY INSENSITIVE and DOWNRIGHT EVIL, but because "their parents might hear you." Gotcha Balki, thanks.

So Janice changed her stripes and switched to yelling out, "You stink, Rainman!" Baby steps. With the Sunshine Strikers up 680-659, little Chastity started singing, "Nah Nah Naaaah nah, Hey Hey Hey, Goot-byyye." For years I've hated that song at sporting events, even going so far as to call it "retarded." Nice to know I was right! Not knowing anything about bowling scoring (and not ever wanting to), I had no idea if Chastity's mockery was justified or not. Apparently not - ok, like you're good at math? Don't hate on my Chastity. Pepa quietly stepped up to the lane and proceeded to bowl three straight strikes. Boom, boom, boom and the Surreal Lifers were in the lead with only one turn to go. Who in the world would take delight in beating the Sunshine Strikers? One person who would is Pepa, who hooted and hollered all over the alley as though she'd just beaten Parker Bohn III, not Corky Thatcher and his gang. (Parker Bohn III is like, the best bowler ever. Or something.) My jaw dropped to the floor as it looked like the Sunshine Strikers would be cleaning shoes while Pepa and Janice chowed down on their pizza.

The tension was palpable as Omarosa stepped up for the Strikers. Living up to the complete failure that she is, she bowled a gutter ball. Jose Canseco could taste the pepperoni...one more chance for the Boardroom Bitch...the ball was away, it wobbled, it teetered, it...it...was a strike! The Strikers win! Thank goodness. I wouldn't have wanted to see Captain Sunshine Steve chomping down on some shoes, mistaking it for the pizza he was assuredly promised before the match. In the end, the whole event garnered $1380 for some charity. And no, I'm not missing any 0's in that figure either. To think, these narcissistic douchebags almost made a bunch of retarded bowlers cry and go hungry while raising less than fourteen hundred bucks. Just as the show was ending, I saw that Carey Hart guy walk by in the background. "Oh yeah," I muttered, "that guy is on this show too."

Sg-dub's Final Thought: (Cue twinkly piano.) As we travel this life we have choices. Choices regarding how we act in certain circumstances. Sometimes life throws us a curveball and we must choose to act one way or another - either as a vainglorious reality whore...or as a nice, caring person. As we saw on today's show, just because you have achieved a modicum of fame in your little corner of the universe and you can take care of yourself, that doesn't mean you aren't a retard. You see, Omarosa, the word is "awry" and it does matter. Jose, writing book about beating your wife and doing drugs is, well, it's only made worse by going on a show to promote your book about beating your wife and doing drugs. Pepa, you may know how to "push it real good," but you should have modified that verb back when you had the chance. And Janice, how do you feel about yourself after hurling insults at the Sunshine Strikers? Really, folks, take an inward look and think about who the real retards in this world are. Take care and we'll see ya tomorrow!

Posted by at 9:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (26)

All you need to know is that once the teams were picked, HALfiger-9000 sent half of each team on a private jet to Texas and New Mexico respectively. The goal was for the Texas contingent to "study" true cowboy culture and fashion and relay their thoughts to the design team stuck in NY with the end result being two fashionable modern outfits based on the findings. The New Mexico team was to do the same with traditional Native American garb. The point, as if there actually is one to this show, was "communication" and testing how the teams were able to convey their ideas via telephone. Which reminds me, wouldn't it be a fun show to have a "Telephone Game with the Stars?" Like, Corey Haim has a 4 sentence secret that he tells to Alan Thicke who tells it to Bea Arthur who tells it to the robot girl from "Small Wonder" who tells it to Tone-Loc who then tells it to us, the TV audience. That would be awesome. Is Bea Arthur even alive?

Long episode short, the game of Cowboys and Indians was pretty much the mess you'd expect it to have been. The Cowboy crew came up with some shirts and jeans (ooooohhhh) whereas the New Mexico gang threw together some ponchos and beaded jewelry (aaaahhhhh). I'm still unclear on the whole concept of "The Cut" seeing as though they are competing to be designers but no one, and I mean no one, has any clue how to design anything. I will continue to watch until the show becomes clearer to me. Team New Mexico lost and Julie (the blond with the close-set and too-small eyes) was sent home to St. Louis and her idyllic (in her mind) suburbia devoid of gay people and minorities of any sort. Good riddance.

Amazingly, the always useless and increasingly insane Jeff once again wound up on the winning team and continued to infect the show. Each week he is picked last or next to last and is generally regarded as either a liability or a sacrificial lamb, should it come to that. His job on the Texas cowboy design team was to contract with some creepy "denim specialist" guy. Ok, he picked up the phone and was able to handle that. Then he handed over all the team's money to the guy, leaving them nothing to pay the seamstress. Nice. Then he ran out with an hour to spare to put some finishing touches on a jacket. Of course, as his whole team expected, he didn't make it back in time - disqualifying the jacket. It was these scenes of Jeff's tortured insistence that nothing was his fault that made the episode worthwhile. Since there are no screencaps, just imagine the image of the biggest loser in your office (it helps if he's a he, is middle aged, bald, thoroughly incompetent, and insane) sending an incriminating email to the boss by accident and freaking out. Good times, good times.

Now that you're caught up, let's get to the most recent episode... Once again, ruining all ambiance, the show opened with ice-skating at Rockefeller Center and snowfall. Dear CBS, It's the middle of July. I'm sweating my balls off here. Reality shows lose some "reality" when your seasons are so out-of-whack. Please don't do this again. Futhermore, please don't show more scenes of Wes drinking milk from the communal milk container, screwing up his face, then dumping the contents. There was just something so wrong about that for some reason. Thanks.

With snow, ice, and rancid milk on my mind, HALfiger showed up to bore the crap out of everyone as he does every week. Y'know, I'm sure he's led a very interesting life...how can he make it sound so incredibly dull? Something about him and his buddy making some bellbottoms back in the 70's and selling them to stores and then he opened up his own store. *Yawn.* Maybe the point of "The Cut" is simply to survive HALfiger's weekly stories - though I think I'd rather eat grubs and coconut on an island for 39 days. The challenge this week would be to open up competing stores in SoHo selling "reconstructed" secondhand clothes they'd bought from Goodwill. The winning team would be the one who made more money. With no shortage of Village hipsters who (still) seem to just looooooooove ill-fitting shirts and pants a few blocks away, both teams seemed up for the challenge. This week's teams were Team Orange (Wes, Deanna, Shauna, Chris, Jeff "a raving lunatic with no talent," according to Shauna, and Rob) and Team Purple (Felix, Liz, Jess, James, and Princess). That's certainly enough to fill the hour - but wait! This is "The Cut" and that means there must be a nonsensical "social challenge" for absolutely no reason in the world. If they wanted, each team could send a person to the Sundance Film Festival with HALfiger himself. Shauna and Felix jumped at the opportunity and they were off. Felix felt a bit guilty about this, since his team was down a member, but whatever, he was going to hobnob with the stars!

Upon entering the retail spaces, both teams were confronted with a huge mess. Team Orange wasn't phased as they felt that Wes had put together a great team. As it turns out, both Wes and Deanna do this sort of thing for a living - reconstructing "vintage" clothing and selling it for way too much money. Those two took Rob to Goodwill for some shopping while Jeff and Chris worked on the store infrastructure. Rob, remember, is the guy who had great difficulty spending a few hundred bucks on himself for clothes a few weeks ago. He appeared to be more at home in the Goodwill store. Poor guy. And I mean that. Over on the Purple squad, the mood was decidedly more ominous. "I'm scared," lamented Jess. With only 4 team members in NY and none of them skilled in the fine art of ripping off wannabes with overpriced throwaway clothes, it wasn't looking too good for them.

In New York, Team Orange was happily reconstructing the clothes they'd bought and doing a great job getting their retail space in order. Jeff, offering his once-per-episode input, came up with "Comme Undone" as the store's name. For some reason, no one bothered to ask him what the hell that meant and they went with it. (Strictly speaking, it makes no sense but then again, does anything on this show?) They had contacted some contractors to help out with the cleaning and building and things were definitely looking up. Things were not so wonderful over on the Purple side. Jess was vomiting and passing out from her bout with the flu. Princess was crying and Liz "didn't care." James kept trying to boost morale but with their "store" looking like a dump and the team imploding, the impending loss was evident. Also evident was Jeff's continuing meltdown. When the contractors packed up their high-powered vacuum cleaner, the other team saw them out of their shop window and politely asked to borrow it.

Jeff did not take kindly to this random act of kindness and started screaming and cursing at the dude who had just helped them out. Hey Jeff...dumbass... This is New York and "contractors" with decidedly Italian features and names don't enjoy being verbally berated. Something tells me that if there weren't cameras present, Jeff would have received a serious pummeling. Or worse. Damn you highly visible cameramen! After the vacuum "situation," Team Orange was ready to open and start selling their clothes, whereas the Purples were still in disarray. Just as I was despairing over the show, a pop-up ad for Jennifer Love Hewitt's "Ghost Whisperer" appeared. Ahhhhh, J-Lo-Hew, you always calm my nerves.

Once open, Team Orange scoured the frozen SoHo streets for potential customers. Chris, Jeff, and Rob did a great job securing wave upon wave of Japanese teen tourist buses. Their teammates blasted them for bringing in kids with no money, but I'd have to defend them. In my experience, Japanese kids will buy any cheap piece of crap shirt as long as it's "American" and ugly. They were the target audience - except for the no money part. Before long, the competing team had their shop up and running and it was an all-out battle for metrosexuals who like to wear old people's musty old clothes.

Hey wait a minute, that's not a gay guy from Chelsea! Why it's Jamie Lynn DiScala from the Sopranos! Wow, how does HALfiger do it? He gets ALL the stars. She toured both stores, said her thanks, and went on her superstar way. Surely they couldn't match her star power this episode. Even out at Sundance where I'd completely forgotten about Shauna and Felix. Good Lord, it's Tom Arnold! And Lisa Kudrow! And Maggie Gyllenhaal! Amazing, simply amazing. Am I the only one that would do my best to avoid Tom Arnold rather than suck up to him? Would it be as difficult for you as it would have been for me to keep from mocking Lisa Kudrow rather than kissing her ass? Well, apparently Felix ain't like you and me and he felt it necessary to tell each of them his life story. Even ape-like HALfiger was getting annoyed with his stories.

In NY, the end was nigh for the teams but there was time for one more impish little foppish Brit to visit the stores. Simon Doonan (reality show veteran from ANTM3, I think, when the women had to model as live mannequins) pretended to shop each store like Meadow Soprano did. Deanna (Team Orange) recognized him and treated him accordingly. Team Purple did not and completely ignored him and his questions. With the rapidly approaching closing time upon them, both teams scrambled for potential customers. Jeff was on a tear, screaming and yelling at anyone thinking of entering the other team's shop. When he wasn't doing that, he was drooling over average looking women in his own shop. One blond woman, in particular, caused Jeff to have (another) meltdown. "I'm sick. I'm sick. You are just so beautiful." On and on he went, chewing on his palm and hopping about like a Tasmanian devil in heat. Would this guy please just go away?

Unfortunately, probably not this week, as both Simon Doonan and Meadow Soprano agreed that his team, Team Orange, did the better job. It was Style Forum time and HALfiger was there to tally the results. Jeff, Wes, Deanna and the rest of Team Orange had sold over $200 more than the Purples. Orange wasn't without their faults, however, as Doonan scolded them for not displaying prices, calling that idea, "The most retarded thing I've ever heard of." No, Simon, "The Cut" fits that description much better, but let's get to The Pit.

Yes, "The Pit," the 2-inch step down into which HALfiger's chosen weakest team members must step to be judged. This week he called out Felix (for his social ineptitude and uncouth behavior among the "celebs" at Sundance - Felix should have said, "What celebs?") and James. James? The very guy who you said you'd hire now a scant 3 weeks ago? The guy who held his team together when they were at their worst? The guy who designed the shop - the only thing Doonan and Meadow Soprano complimented regarding their store? The only guy who actually knows how to sew? Yup, James. The snowstorm seems to have shorted out HALfiger's wiring on his way over to the Forum. After some deliberation, HALfiger told James to "take the runway" and leave the show - a very, very odd selection. James himself was a bit taken back by this but offered a gracious goodbye, schlumped down the steps, sat down, and cried his little baby eyes out. Wuss.

Posted by at 9:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

"Make Me Look Like Gary Busey"

The Superficial . com has captured beautiful images of the Malcom in the Middle's ex-girlfriend's new chops. No not acting chops; this Duff has gone from A cup pearls to DD CHOPPERS.

Though it's no secret the screen kings and queens prefer veneers to mother nature, not since....well, ever, have I seen someone walk into an orthodontist with beautiful healthy teeth and ask for "The Ringwald."

More before and afters beyond the jump.
For exreme close-ups, visit The Superficial

Before

After

Before

After

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 6:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Ten days ago, I liveblogged my experiences on JetBlue airlines. It was a fun time, and hopefully everyone enjoyed my passing commentary about the minutiae of a cross-country flight. Well, now I'm on a United flight (or Untied, if you're dyslexic) back to Los Angeles, and I'm proud to say that the number of undisciplined, screaming children has diminished. The downside though is that this isn't JetBlue. That means I have to pay for meals, the seats aren't leather, and even worse: I'm captive to an airing of Joey. Yes, that's right. Normally, I wouldn't even tune in, but, well, how can I resist?

Other bonuses for this flight: I'll get to see Penelope Cruz and her borzoi nose in Sahara, and better yet, I can relish in the fact that one of my very favorite stars from 24 is sitting just a few rows ahead of me. Very exciting.

2:30 PM
The pilot is babbling about the temperature in Los Angeles; so I'll take a moment to recap all the exciting things that have happened so far. First of all, I bet you're wondering about that 24 star. Okay, I'll explain. Back at the airport, I found myself in a sour mood. it began while waiting in the self-check aisle. I can't tell you how many people had to be alerted that a kiosk was open. Hey idiots, try looking around instead of telling your sister Patty about the wonderful new butter cozy you got at K-Mart. And yes, I'm definitely the jerk at the airport that says sternly, "There's an open kiosk!" Actually, I didn't have to this time because some snappy woman in front of me was already on top of it. Anyway, after trudging through check-in and security (don't get me started on the space cadets there), I had to navigate around several hefty couples walking at a pace befitting a slug migration. Nevertheless, I reached my gate intact, albeit cranky. I knew I was being unreasonably harsh to these poor strangers, and that was probably because I hadn't actually eaten anything all day. Luckily, a convenient Starbucks counter was just behind me. Maybe a double-blended mocha frap would cheer me up (yes, yes, I like the foofy drinks). Wouldn't you know it though? There was a line. Sigh. Okay, let's not be ridiculous. It's just a line. No sense at getting frustrated at everything. I'm just hungry and grumpy. Surely once I drank my overpriced coffee confection, I'd be in better spirits.

Well, as I tried to maintain some semblance of civility, the two idiot women in front of me giggled excitedly as if this were the first Starbucks they had ever seen. Shit. This is going to be trouble. As the ladies (who now are sitting across the aisle from me and making dumb banter) perused the sandwich selection, the Starbucks worker asked about three times, "May I help you?" Fighting... urge... to... snap... Eventually, the women realized that the Starbucks worker wasn't simply asking a rhetorical question and handed over their sandwiches -- but not before saying, "Oooh! They have bottled Frappucinos!" Yeah, welcome to five years ago.

Eventually, I procured my foofy drink (no whip cream though, thank you very much), and as predicted, I immediately felt better and less grumpy. But what really got me all happy and excited was the fact that none other than Roger Cross -- a.k.a. Curtis from 24 -- was standing at my gate. Awesome. Curtis is one of my favorite characters on the show, and just yesterday I wrote a gushy Emmy piece saying how he should have been nominated. I had to say something, but no, I don't want to be THAT guy. So I did what I normally do in such situations: quietly paced nearby, occasionally glancing in his direction as if I really needed to look at that bank of pay phones behind him. Needless to say, I was very excited. Flying to Los Angeles, there's almost always a celeb on my flight, but it's only the 24 stars that get me going. Once, two years ago, I had the real life couple of Sarah Clarke and Xander Berkeley on my flight (a.k.a. Nina and Mason). I was so excited that I didn't even realize Gwenyth Paltrow and David Hyde Pierce had boarded as well (but don't worry, I had quite the TVgasm moment at the baggage claim as all four celebs conversed). Point is, I was very excited to see Roger Cross. And it goes without saying, by the way, that this is all very pathetic of me. Just let me have my moment.

Anyway, after about ten minutes of this, I decided that enough was enough. I was going to say something. Who knew what might happen? About three years ago, I told Jason Cerbone (Jackie Aprile Jr. on The Sopranos) that I enjoyed his work, and then he came and sat down next to me and asked to read my Entertainment Weekly. Maybe I'd have the same effect on Roger Cross? You know, we'd start to banter, I'd tell him about TVgasm, he'd start coming to the site, we'd get a visit to the set, and then maybe, just maybe, I'd get an Oscar. Okay, took the fantasy too far.

So I walked up to Roger Cross, introduced myself, and told him that I really enjoyed his work on the show. He was very polite and said thank you with his patented growly Curtis voice. Honestly, I half expected him to punch me in the stomach and haul me into an interrogation room for some torture. I could immediately sense that he wasn't the banter type; so I just simply told him about the site and that just yesterday I wrote a piece saying he should get an Emmy nod. "Oh, that's very nice," he said. By this time, however, I realized how amazingly pathetic it sounded to say "I have a website." I just wanted to scurry away and never see Roger Cross ever again. He extended his hand a second time to me, and I said goodbye. I then spent the next twenty five minutes with my sunglasses on trying to look super cool.

Smooth, very smooth.

Eventually, I boarded the airplane and sat patiently through United's safety video which looked to be filmed about fifteen years ago. Now I can't be positive, but I think the actor playing male flight attendant is the same guy who drove the bus on Riding the Bus With My Sister. Still haven't decided which gig is more embarrassing. Meanwhile, just when we were about to wheel out, some douchebag came running onto the plane. Way to hold us all up, jerk. Luckily, the stewardess took care of all the passive aggression: "As you can see ladies and gentleman, we had one late passenger." Nice! Way to make him feel dumb. I wish we could have thrown old veggies at him.

Okay, Sahara is starting now. Let's check this out.

3:00 PM
The movie starts with a Civil War battle. Cannonballs everywhere. Sadly, Penelope Cruz has not been shot from a cannon yet. I've got my fingers crossed though.

3:02 PM
The Civil War scene oddly transitions into the opening credits. Incongruous funk music on the soundtrack. Might we see Ms. Cruz playing the wah-wah guitar? Actually, I have a very bad feeling Matthew McConaughey is providing the vocals on this stupid song. I think I hate this movie already.

3:04 PM
William H. Macy is in this movie? Great. Maybe he'll play a mentally challenged salesman in the desert.

3:06 PM
Ah, the first Penelope sighting. She rides in an SUV while little African children run by her side and wave. You're so cute, Africa! Yes you are! Yes you are!!

3:06 PM
Penelope is a doctor. She's wearing a little mask and trying to treat a sickly man. Her prescription: "One dose of Frida starring my good friend, Salma Hayek."

3:08 PM
The United "Fiesta Snack Mix" has arrived. It's quite tasty actually. Oh shit, Penelope is getting attacked! A man says, "You have no business being here!" He then adds, "I saw Captain Corelli's Mandolin and it sucked!"

3:12 PM
Here's Steve Zahn. He's playing the goofy, redneck sidekick. He should really play these sort of roles more often.

3:13 PM
Oh, and here's Matthew McConaughey playing the goofy, redneck charmer. He should really play these sort of roles more often.

3:16 PM
Hey, Steve Zahn is wearing a trucker cap to a black tie event. HILARious! Classic Zahn!

3:19 PM
Uh-oh. Thunderstorms up ahead on the flight. Getting ready for turbulence. This might be just the excitement this movie needs.

3:20 PM
Penelope Cruz says there's a plague in Africa. She must alert the W.H.O.! And Salma Hayek!

3:23 PM
Penelope says she lives in Monterey. Matthew replies, "There's great diving in Monterey." She then says, "Is that all you think about? Diving?" Yeah, what's up with all the thinking about diving, JERK?!?!?!

3;24 PM
Steve Zahn is telling an old yarn about catching a marlin. To whichever Paramount exec said "punch this scene up a little", bravo.

3:24 PM
Um, the pilot just told the flight attendants to take a seat. Apparently we're headed right into the jaws of the monster! I hope Roger Cross is okay.

3:25 PM
Shakey, shakey. Not two seconds after the plane starts to bump around, the dumb bitch next to me stands up and stretches. And yes, it's the same girl who just discovered that Starbucks actually sells coffee.

3:31 PM
Back to Sahara. "Sweet Home Alabama" plays on the soundtrack. Leonard Skynard in a Matthew McConaughey movie? Now I've heard it all!

3:37 PM
Matthew's boat drifts on a river. Another boat appears around the bend. Steve Zahn says, "Guys......" What the hell? No "we've got company"? Ah, I spoke too soon. Matthew McConaughey says, "Company." A minimalist twist on an old classic!

3:40 PM
Steve Zahn's sidekick (yes, the sidekick has a sidekick) just shot a flare gun, but the flare went wildly out of control. In response, the guy behind me just cackled very loudly. Yes, HILARious.

3:43 PM
"WHAT ARE WE DOING?" yells the sidekick. Uh, making a crappy movie. Zing!

3:44 PM
The number of people laughing at the Zahn humor is astounding. Boy do they have a treat coming up with Joey!

3:47 PM
Penelope and her sidekick (everyone has one) rummage through a dark town they suspect has been ravaged by a plague. They encounter a dead body and exclaim, "Oh my god!" It's almost as if a plague has killed someone in the plague-infested town! What a coincidence!

3:49 PM
Okay, Penelope is descending by rope into a well. My dream come true! Odds that a rat or a bat will startle her? 3 to 2. Odds that she'll lose her footing? 2 to --- oops, just happened. Careful Penelope!

3:50 PM
"Got what we need. Let's get you out of there!" says a guy to Dr. Penelope. Hmmm.. What will go wrong? If you said "Penelope's sidekick will get shot to death!" you would be correct. But don't worry, before he died he said, "We've got company." Nice callback!

3:52 PM
Penelope status: stuck at the bottom of a well. I wonder if it will suddenly fill with water and she'll have to crawl out before she drowns? Oh, and maybe Matthew will save her! And maybe, when he shows up, he'll say "We've got company!"

3:52 PM
Here's something cool. Penelope had a second sidekick. And he just got shot too.

3:54 PM
The bad guys just torched Penelope's cars. Don't they realize those were gifts from Salma Hayek??

3:54 PM
Penelope update: the bad guys just tried to shoot a few rounds into her, but Matthew came out of nowhere to save the day. Now she's trying to get her footing and climb out the well. Fall! Die!

3:57 PM
Penelope update: WTF??? She actually climbed out of the well! If Spider-Man and Salma Hayek had a love child...

Ah, the Penelope!

4:01 PM
Excellent. A tribe of local Arabs with machine guns all yelling "La la la la la!" I'm sure the two Muslim women sitting in front of me appreciate the depiction.

4:02 PM
Oh good. Delroy Lindo! The true mark of a generic Paramount feature.

4:06 PM
The local tribe leader tells Matthew that he must leave the next morning at daybreak. Too bad. That afternoon they're gonna be showing "Frida" in town.

4:08 PM
This movie officially makes no sense.

4:12 PM
You haven't lived until you've seen Penelope Cruz wearing Arabian robes on top of a camel.

4:13 PM
Check that. You haven't lived until you've seen Penelope Cruz jump out from under a pile of sand and hop on a camel in slow mo. What do you think about that, SALMA?

4:15 PM
The superfriends are headed into a solar plant in the middle of the desert. Again, completely logical.

4:16 PM
In the plant: Zahn asks, "What the hell is this place?" I wonder, WILL THEY HAVE COMPANY??

4:16 PM
I love the deductions in this movie. Penelope could ask "What's that?" and Matthew would say, "Oh, that's a forklift. Looks like it's got rocks. Wait, the only rocks around here are Uranium. They must be powering up some sort of nuclear device. And it's probably gonna go off tonight! And it's headed to Russia! Quick! Let's check it out!"

4:24 PM
Matthew says, "It's time to call in the cavalry." Later, he adds, "Well, that's a new one!" Zahn replies, "We're home free now." I start to realize that this movie is just one elaborate experiment: what would happen if someone wrote a script made entirely of clichés?

Judo CHOP!

4:26 PM
Matthew and Steve Zahn wander lost in the desert dunes. Oh no, they're staggering! I wonder if at the last moment they'll stumble onto something... Something BIG!

4:27 PM
Look! They stumbled onto something! Why it's... a crashed airplane from the '20s. Oh and conveniently, it still flies. Apparently it runs on Matthew McConaughey's brazen Southern charm.

4:33 PM
Steve Zahn has magically intuited that there must be a giant bomb in the solar plant (yeah, they're back inside). This is based on ZERO evidence. Luckily, two minutes later, he conveniently finds a map that has the BOMB LOCATION ON IT! I love when the bad guys do that.

4:35 PM
Oh no! The bad guys are getting away with Penelope! But wait! She just jumped out of a helicopter! GIVE ME FRIDA OR GIVE ME DEATH!

4:38 PM
Great. Penelope is lying on the ground, knocked out cold. Well, that's what happens when you jump from a helicopter, bitch.

4:39 PM
So the trio is reunited and driving through the desert, trying to avoid a helicopter full of bad guys. Wonder if they'll crash, crawl out of their car, and just when they think it's all over, one of them will spot the missing war ship.

4:43 PM
Penelope is throwing dynamite! Like the t-shirt says, everybody loves a spicy Latina!!!

4:44 PM
Surprise, surprise -- the car chase ended at the ship.

4:46 PM
Matthew wants to fire up an old cannon. Zahn: "No, it'll never work! It's 150 years old!" Oh Steve. You pay too much attention to "reality".

4:51 PM
Hey, a helicopter just blew up. Are they allowed to show that on a plane?

4:51 PM
With the bad guy dead, his army immediately drops its guns and praises Matthew McConaughey. Makes perfect sense.

4:53 PM
Delroy Lindo really contributed a lot to this movie.

4:55 PM
The movie ends with Penelope Cruz wearing a sexy swim cap by the beach. Welcome back from 1943!

"We're dumb."

5:18 PM
Okay, time for some more in-flight entertainment. Carol King has been babbling about her music for the past ten minutes. With dollar signs in her eyes, she wraps up by saying that one of the most exciting things to have happened over her career is that Starbucks now sells music. Another exciting thing: no one cares about you.

5:24 PM
Patricia Arquette struggles to read: "Hi, I'm Patricia Arquette. NBC InFlight will be right back." Ten words! Well done!

5:24 PM
I fear that my laptop won't make it to Joey. It was to be my snarkiest moment yet!

5:25 PM
Memo to Suze Orman: the tanning bed is NOT a toy.

Yikes!

Epilogue:
So, perhaps reacting to Suze Orman's radioactive orange skin, the laptop finally called it quits. That's okay, though. The flight ended shortly after as well. Joey did not air, thankfully, and I was able to enjoy the rest of my time in peace. Plus, I saw Roger Cross again at the baggage claim, but I didn't do the little "Hello again" nod.

Posted by at 3:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

When it comes to Big Brother, there's a little theory that J-Unit and I have devised: after sitting through three episodes, you'll be hooked. I'm happy to report that after Saturday night's installment, I'm officially addicted to this season (as if I wouldn't be, right?). Yeah, the first three shows were decent, but any Big Brother fan knows the first week is essentially the murky start-up period; the time when people are still civil, alliances unformed, and the drama fairly tepid. Rarely does anything noteworthy happen during these early days. Occasionally we'll get a dustup -- Gerry's salad mishaps on season three, Jase's attack on Mike last year -- but for better or worse, it can be rough going, especially for newbies. This season was no different. I've enjoyed the first three episodes so far, if only to see the Chenbot back in primetime, but I couldn't say that I was wholeheartedly involved beyond my role as a recapper. But now... now things are different.

The first eviction always causes the knives to come out. Alliances become more clearly drawn, power-mongers rear their heads, and bitter outcasts begin rustling their feathers. Plus, the facades drop and the true personalities come out (anyone remember Marcellas during the first week of Big Brother 3? Imagine where we'd be had he not survived that first eviction.) This week's discovery comes in the most unlikely of places: Janelle. We love Janelle.

Last week, we spent a good amount of time giving Janelle the TVgasm treatment. We called her a man. We called her a whore. We called her an idiot. But now, after Saturday's episode, we're changing our tune. First of all, the girl seems to have more of a brain than anyone else in the house. Second of all, she pretty much hates everyone, which is awesome. And third of all, she's funny (remember, we were lamenting that there's no funny person). It just goes to show how much you miss if you skip the low-profile Saturday shows. (You can pay me later, CBS).

Anyway, the episode began with Janelle swearing to get revenge on Ashlea, her former ally turned breasty evictee numero uno. Yes, losing her ex-roommate was a harsh blow for the flaxen schemer, but having an even harder time was Maggie, who commented, "That's so weird when someone walks out of the house." Actually, it's not that weird, at least for those of us who have a working knowledge of doors and such. Nevertheless, with Ashlea history, Howie made sure Janelle and her giant, erect nipples received plenty of attention. The meteorological student / comic genius (I hear he studies the work of Mike O'Malley) assaulted Janelle with a series of hugs that eventually sent her falling to the floor. I of course laughed because I always laugh when people fall over (unless they're on America's Funniest Home Videos, in which case I scowl), but while the fun times may have been rockin' out here on the couch, the mood became extremely dire in the household as Ashlea's photo turned black and white. Yes, it was like Schindler's List all over again.

Later, after Eric won the second Head of Household competition, Kaysar and Janelle immediately registered anger and disgust. "He is so in bed with Beau and Ivette, it infuriates me," said Kaysar. Man, he was so enraged he almost inflected his voice! Janelle had similar things to say: "I feel like throwing up in the pool." Interesting. Whenever I get pissed off, my first reaction isn't always to voluntarily pollute a public space with my intestinal spew, but that's not to say I wouldn't enjoy such a display from Janelle. By all means, yak away!

Seriously though, did Janelle just spend the past two days in a walk-in freezer? Those nips don't show any signs of calming down anytime soon.

After Eric finally calmed down from winning the Superbowl, uh, I mean Head of Household (hey, just a few more primal screams for old timea sake. Whaddya say, Eric?), he and James decided to be tricky. You see, even though James had cast a vote against Kaysar during the last eviction, he and Eric were going to lie and say it came from Michael. Brilliant plan... Except Michael is Kaysar's secret ally and would never vote against him. And Eric should know this since he and Maggie just babbled about the secret alliances on Thursday. My point? Eric's an IDIOT!

But he was also Head of Household, which meant that we got to partake in that weekly tradition: the unveiling of the HOH suite. It's so heartwarming to see the roomies scurry up the stairs with shrieks of excitement. Just wait until six weeks from now when the HOH room is met with bitter sneers and cold indifference. God, I love the ruthless ways this show claws away at its contestants souls (let alone its viewers).

Anyway, Eric's gift bag featured low carb beer (pussy), energy drinks (high energy jerk), and a CD from home. We didn't get to find out what the CD was, but I'm just gonna put this out there: Bruce? That's not to say that every fireman listens to Bruce Springsteen 'round the clock, but honestly, you just know Eric puts a red bandana in his back pocket and dances away when no one's looking. Afterwards, when he removes the kerchief, he probably gives it a pep talk: "Bandana, I'm removing you not because you were bad, but because you were a threat to me. Also, I need you to have your lights off by 11:30 PM."

Aside from the low-carb this and that, Eric also received that most unctuous of gifts: a picture from his children. Cue the tears. "My family is everything to me," said Eric, adding, "Which is why I've left them. So I can make them the laughing stock of their friends." Seriously though, every season there's always some weepy dad who claims that his family is his life. Sometimes these guys even go so far as to say they want to win the big prize to help provide for their kids (because apparently that crazy notion of a "career" is a just way too hard to grasp). Personally, I'm still trying to expunge images of season four's Robert crying over his daughter's paper butterflies. I shiver with disgust just thinking about it. Burrrrrrrr.

Anyway, as Eric passed around the framed picture of his family, Ivette gushed in an interview, "His kids are beautiful!" Oh yeah? Do they look like Eric -- a.k.a. the giant turtle spawn of Vin Diesel? (Human koopa troopas, if you will). Side note: when Eric cries, his chin dimple does all sorts of weird contortions. It's almost like his dimple has its own dimples -- kind of like how Audrey II in Little Shop of Horrors had mini Audrey II's on its vines. That would also explain why Eric's always singing, "Suddenly Dimple." That was a little 1986 Rick Moranis humor. Anyone? Anyone? Is this thing on?

While Eric bawled and made concentric dimples on his chin, Janelle simply rolled her eyes and called him an actor. I told you, I'm likin' this Janelle. Maggie, meanwhile, gave Eric a nice big hug and teared up. "I know tonight I'll go to the HOH room, and we'll have a really good cry over it," she said in an interview. Why was she gonna cry about his kids? Was she the surrogate mom? SUMMER OF SECRETS!

As we went to commercial, James noted that the extra-long hug between Maggie and Eric seemed more than just mutual affection for fellow Third Watch fans. Maybe they were a couple, surmised James. Interesting theory, but when we came back from the break, the show had seemingly moved on to bigger and better things: slip-n-slide! Well, more like slip-n-slide-on-garbage-bags. I'll let Ivette explain: "If you've been eating PB&J all week, and you want to beat the summer heat, you make ghetto slide." Exactly how does the PB&J relate to the slip-n-slide? What if I want to beat the summer heat, but I haven't been eating PB&J all week? Should I still make a ghetto slide? And by the way, Ivette, how about you shut up about the PB&J. Have you even SEEN Survivor?

Anyway, with garbage bags splayed out on the backyard, April proudly announced to us, "I was the water hose girl!" She then added, "Reminded me of the old days. Back in 1942, when the boys were at war, we worked in the factory making vehicle parts and such. We called ourselves the Water Hose Gals of Skokie, IL. Real good bunch of ladies we were. Real good."

"In my day, we didn't have slip-n-slide. We had a burlap sack and three twigs. AND WE LIKED IT!"

Now for all of you horn dogs hoping to see Janelle's titties sliding across the yard, you'll just have to wait. The VIP cocktail waitress abstained from the activities because, well, she pretty much hates everyone at this point. Fantastic. Michael, meanwhile, had unleashed his inner-manslut as he hit on the women with sleazy panache. Supremely disgusted by his antics, April grabbed her walker and immediately reported Michael to the Head of Household. Yada yada yada, Eric lectured Michael that his behavior was unacceptable, and soon after, Michael vented to Jennifer, saying, "He made it sound like I was some perverted pig." Yeah, seriously, what's up with that? It's not like Michael had done anything like cop a feel of Jennifer's breast while they were lying in the hammock. Honestly, if you told me Michael was a eunuch, I'd believe you. That's how un-perverted he is!

In classic Big Brother fashion, Eric then walked in on Michael and Jennifer bashing him, which led to more discussion about appropriate behavior and whatnot. He finally said that Michael's actions could be misconstrued as sexual harassment, causing Michael to balk in an interview, "When Eric brought up the term 'sexual harassment,' it insulted me... Eric's failed to realize that I'm not his employee." Or so you think! SUMMER OF SECRETS STRIKES AGAIN!

Later, Big Brother treated us to a fun little segment featuring Janelle and chess. Yes, it's an odd combination, but there's more than meets the eye. According to Janelle, she had been taught chess at an early age by her father (big deal. We all learned chess at an early age), but I think the implication was that she might be some sort of closet chess freak. Nevertheless, Janelle announced to us that she would play chess with the men of the house to gauge what their playing style would be. First she let James win, but when it came to Michael, well... "I don't think Michael is good at all," she laughed, full of contempt. And she was right. The two flirted and smiled over the chessboard (the most erotic of the parlor games -- not including that slut, backgammon), and then suddenly, Janelle swooped in and called checkmate. By the way, this was highly more entertaining than watching players lug around those giant lawn chess pieces two seasons ago. Making a move here didn't take forty five minutes of hauling with a dolly.

Up next on the show was my favorite of past times: reality star political debate. With Kaysar sitting quietly on the sidelines, Eric and James launched into a fairly uninformed debate on whether or not he Iraq war was justified. Eventually, James eloquently proved his idiocy by saying "I'd rather them over there blowing people up rather than over here knocking down buildings." Oh, and did I mention that he said that RIGHT IN FRONT OF KAYSAR? Dumbass.

Of course, this led to a touchy-feely moment of growth and twinkly piano music as Kaysar informed James about the atrocities of war and how difficult it was for Kaysar's family still in Iraq. Aw, we all learned something! Yay, stunt casting!

But if you thought the ongoing conflict in his home country was the most pressing dilemma on Kaysar's mind, you'd be wrong. No, it was Beau, the wannabe Marcellas who apparently likes to spoon Kaysar when he's bored and horny. Pause for Beau to say "Fabulous!" three times. Okay, we're back.

Beau desperately tries to be interesting.

One of the campy perks of the Saturday episode is the food challenge, and this week's romp was the "Snak Shack FROM HELL!" Sort of early on for the gross-out food challenge, but I welcomed it. Basically, everyone partnered up in teams of two and had to eat nasty dishes in order to win food items for the house. James and Howie attempted to down an "Iced Clam Sundae", but the minced, raw clam sent them both hurling into a bucket... after two spoonfuls. With their failure, host Eric announced, "Beverages are not going to be drank." And grammar is not going to be observisized.

Next up were Janelle and Beau, and when they learned they'd be playing for breads and cereals, Janelle quickly chirped, "Ooooh! My favorite!" RELAX. Anyway, the two of them had to eat a "Pepper Only Pizza", and despite some occasional vomiting, they managed to win the food group for the house.

April and Rachel struggled with a sauerkraut cream pie, which, I must admit, looked fairly nasty. April noted that she hated sauerkraut in general -- probably from some bad experience she had with it during the Eisenhower administration. Needless to say, they did not complete the task. Anyway, by the end of the competition, the household had won a few other foodstufffs (plus we got to see Ivette in her "Everyone Loves A Spicy Latina" t-shirt. So clever and original! Maybe she'll even have a "Gettin' Lucky in Kentucky" shirt too!), and just when we thought the whole game was over, Eric pulled a veritable But First! by announcing that any two people could pair up to try to win beer and wine. Janelle and Michael volunteered, but Eric booted the blonde waitress so that he could share some of the glory. "He's such a spotlight stealer. I hate him!" complained Janelle. The more she hates, the more I thrive.

Afterwards, April -- possibly reeling from the side effects of osteoporosis medication -- felt depressed about her lame performance. Never fear though! Fireman Eric is here to boost your morale! "We win as a team, we lose as a team," he said, adding, "We speak in clichés, we think in clichés." By the way, I'm not positive about this, but I don't think there are any teams in Big Brother. That's okay though. Turning April's frown upside down was enough to warrant a group meeting, courtesy of, you guessed it, Eric: "There are gonna be competitions where certain people are gonna be able to step up to the plate and certain people can't. Such as Maggie, April..." That's right. We're all a team, even when MAGGIE AND APRIL (flashing arrows, buzzers, sirens) screw up.

Later, the houseguests all ran into the kitchen to retrieve all their new groceries, but of course Eric was the buzz kill as he said, "Remember, we have a limited supply here, so I would just be very careful here." Hmmm... maybe he should call another house meeting. Sure enough, he gathered around the troops to remind everyone to ration. Seriously, what doesn't warrant a meeting with Eric? "Hey guys, I was just clipping my toenails, and it occurred to me that when you're clipping, be sure to really get the whole nail. We don't want any hangnails on our feet. You know what I'm saying? Be real careful about that. Okay? Hands in the middle. Gooooo TEAM!"

Anyway, as nominations neared, it was time for people to strategize. "I went up to the girls, and I kind of tried to feel them out and see what people thought of the plan," Eric said. Great. Looks like that whole guys-only alliance is working out real well.

Actually, Eric's new plan was to put Michael and Janelle up, but the twist would be that he'd tell Michael that he was the pawn to get Janelle out, but in reality, Janelle was the pawn to get Michael out. Clever Eric. Too bad the pawn always goes home (in this case, that's Janelle).

Because she's too much of a good girl, Sarah divulged to Maggie that she didn't want to lie or deceive Michael. Why she would tell Maggie (a.k.a. Eric's clear ally) is beyond me, but I love that she did it. After all, what's a season of Big Brother without the pseudo virtuous cast member who gets in over his or her head with alliances and double crosses. I can't wait for the meltdown!

Anyway, Eric invited everyone into his Head of Household room one at a time to talk strategy. Ivette was more than happy to babble with her boy, if only to call him "cappy" twelve times in one minute. Surprisingly enough, Janelle left the meeting with moderate praise for the HOH. "He's actually intelligent, so that actually makes me a bit more cheerful," she said. I love that she's such a snob. She better be around for the long haul.

Later, when Eric met with Michael, the tension was so thick, you could cut it with the Ikea brand knives down in the kitchen. Eric explained that he was scared by Michael's relationship with Janelle, saying that he spent too much time with her. Wait, just one episode ago, Eric was paranoid about Michael's relationship with Jennifer. Is there any girl that Michael can talk to? Apparently not. I kind of wished Michael had called out Eric for his ties with Ivette, but alas, he only noted it in the confessional. Someone needs to stand up to Eric, ASAP.

In the next meeting, Eric told Kaysar that he had lost trust in him because of the time Kaysar told Michael that he was hanging out with Jennifer so much. "I knew that you probably would use that against me," started Kaysar in his patently quiet voice.

"Relax. No need to raise your voice," interrupted Eric. Yes, Kaysar. Stop speaking above a near-whisper! My eardrums! They've nearly burst! Can you not control your rage AT ALL???

Okay, well, eventually it was nomination time, and while it was fun to watch the key box swivel around on the lazy-susan, we all knew it would be Janelle and Michael. I mean, the producers didn't even bother trying to come up with a red herring (unless Kaysar counts, but I don't think so really). I'm a little bummed that Michael and Janelle are up, only because they seem to be two of the more interesting personalities in the house.

What do you think? Who do you hate? Who do you love?

Posted by at 2:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (26)

Kelly Ripa's crotch, gumming its way through her pants."

Kelly Ripa is taking note of the CT Theory made popular by the Book Of Chen. The CT Theory states "the more Camel Toe, the more Camera Time." Chen was a virtual unknown who got her lucky break, after allowing a Lonely Les Moonves to masturbate with her body. But her real succuss came way after Les did. It was with the Camel Toe exposure of Big Brother 5. After that, the Chenbot was a household name.

Unsatisfied with the exposure of her daily morning show and the weekly showing of her sitcom, the Ripa-ff artist stole Julie Chen's trademark. Yes, like having the tribe speak, or telling someone they're fired, in classic Chen fashion, Rippa wore tight tight pants to expose her loose loose toe. For a woman who has had 9 children in 3 years, its tough to make jokes on the elasticity of ones' nether parts, but when Rippa not only wears the tight tights on her loosey loose sans panties, but also then squats for the camera crotch forward...it's cause for a TVgasm.

Why is the camel toe such a common occurence on TV and why do we accept it? Had Regis been squatting to change a tire in tight pants and showed off his Mammel Toe, I dare say I would call the FCC.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 11:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Still bummed about this year's Emmy nominations? Me too. Of course, everyone knows that the Emmys represent a triumph of PR over quality, which is essentially one of the major problems with today's televised universe. The networks wonder why their viewerships are constantly eroding, and then they go and honor tired, unfunny shows like Will and Grace. But enough ranting. Let's wallow instead. Take a look at TV Guide's "Dream Ballot." It's the magazine's humble attempt to design the world's best Emmy race ever. For the most part, the picks seem fairly reasonable. Yeah, it's a bit too heavy on the Gilmore Girls (I detest that show), but aside from that, the Emmy voters could do themselves a solid and bone up for next year's nominations.

In the meantime, I'll humbly submit my dream ballot. I'm a bit behind on my trendy FX and HBO shows, but I'll try to do my best...

Apologies in advance for all misspellings. I'm too lazy to cross check with the IMDb this morning.

Lead Comedy Actor
Thomas Lennon, Reno 911!
Steve Carrell , The Office
Peter Gallagher, The OC
Zach Braff, Scrubs
Jason Bateman, Arrested Development

This is a tough category, only because there really aren't many good sitcoms out there, let alone male performances. I've had a hard time deciding whether The OC is a comedy or not, but I realized I laugh at the show more than I'm moved by it, so comedy it is! As such, Peter Gallagher deserves the recognition he so effortlessly works for. Adam Brody is solid too, but his performance this season was more caricatured and one-note than his breakout first year. Thomas Lennon is fab in Reno 911!, and Steve Carrell is the only thing that keeps The Office funny. As for the other two, Zach Braff is decent and Jason Bateman is probably the weakest cast member of Arrested Development, but hey, I gotta round out the category. Since Tony Shalhoub always seems to sneak in as a sixth nominee (WTF?), I suppose I could have offered up someone else too. So...uh...Matt LeBlanc! Kidding, KIDDING!

Lead Comedy Actress
Kerri Kenney, Reno 911!
Felicity Huffman, Desperate Housewives
Marcia Cross, Desperate Housewives
Jane Kazcmerickasdlkjfasdf, Malcom in the Middle
Mischa Barton, The OC

Okay, as you can see, I'm slightly f*cking with you. I really couldn't think of a fifth actress to fill out my list; so I chose Mischa, if only because she certainly makes me laugh. As for the others, Jane KazcPolishName deserves at least something -- box of chocolates? handy wipe? -- for spending the last several years blowing out her vocal chords. Maybe not an Emmy though. I'm a big Felicity Huffman fan (she deserves a retroactive award for SportsNight), and she does a wonderful, understated job on Housewives. The subtle shifts in her mannerisms and eyes really outclass her co-stars. But then again, she's not really that funny. Marcia Cross does a solid job as a woman on the verge, but the real winner here should be Kerri Kenney who manages to take the virtues of all the other fake-nominated women in my list and roll them into one hysterical performance.

By the way, props to the academy for ignoring Eva Longoria. She's one-note and shrewish. Well-snubbed.

Lead Drama Actor
Kiefer Sutherland, 24
James Spader, Boston Legal
Taye Diggs, Kevin Hill
Hugh Laurie, House
Noah Wyle, ER

To be honest, I haven't seen much of House or Boston Legal, but I like James Spader by default and Hugh Laurie only because he's not Martin Sheen. Kiefer was the backbone of 24 yet again, and Noah, well, we go way back - sentimental vote there. As for Taye, technically, we go way back also, but he really did clock in a completely overlooked season of great performances. Yeah, yeah, Kevin Hill's a chick show, but... just trust me.

Lead Drama Actress
I confess -- I'm completely at a loss here. I'll just steal TV Guide's noms:
Kristen Bell, Veronica Mars
Glenn Close, The Shield
Evangeline Lilly, Lost
Molly Parker, Deadwood
Joely Richardson, Nip/Tuck

Actually, I would not nominate Evangeline Lilly. Bitch can't act. Surely there should be a nod for Maggie Grace, the Meryl Streep of ABC... (again, kidding).

Supporting Comedy Actor
Will Arnett, Arrested Development
David Cross, Arrested Development
Jeremy Piven, Entourage
Jerry Ferrara, Entourage
Donald Faison, Scrubs

Ah, finally a category which I don't have to fill out with questionable noms. Probably the weakest of the bunch is Jerry Ferrara, but he's still pretty funny on a show I admittedly hate (but am regrettably starting to like. Argh.). When it comes to Scrubs, everyone wants to jizz over John C. McGinley, but I vote for charming Donald Faison instead. David Cross meanwhile had one of the funniest moments of the year when he careened off a balcony dressed as an English housekeeper. But in the end, it should come down to Will Arnett and Jeremy Piven, and dammit if I could say who is better.

Supporting Comedy Actress
Niecy Nash, Reno 911!
Sarah Chalke, Scrubs
Nicolette Sheridan, Desperate Housewives
Jessica Walter, Arrested Development
Melinda Clarke, The OC

A decent group here. I lurve the under-used Niecy Nash on Reno 911! and Jessica Walter as the great drunken matriarch of Arrested Development, but also, I gotta give props to Nicolette Sheridan who a) steals every scene she's in, b) actually provides a comic performance, and c) can kick off a national frenzy just by dropping a bath towel. At the end of the day though, the Emmy wholeheartedly belongs to Melinda Clarke who chews up the scenery with her deliciously campy portrayal of Julie Cooper. For stretches during this uneven season, it was her who kept the show afloat. Way to go, Mindy!

Supporting Drama Actor
Louis Lombardi, 24
Roger Cross, 24
William Devane, 24
Terry O'Quinn, Lost
William Shatner, Boston Legal

This might be looking a bit top heavy in the 24 department, but any fan of the show would heartily agree with these selections. Louis Lombardi (as embattled Edgar Stiles) was lovable as the lisping, surly computer technician. Roger Cross as Curtis had little to do, and yet he became a total fan favorite very quickly. But in all honesty, the major snub here was William Devane who completely dominated each and every scene he was in. Totally believable as a government official and as a dad. Aww.

Supporting Drama Actress
Shohreh Aghdashloo, 24
Mary Lynn Rajskub, 24
Michael Michelle, Kevin Hill
Alberta Watson, 24

Sorry, I can't think of a fifth. Lost fans, feel free to insert your favorite supporting actress (crazy French lady, perhaps?). Michael Michelle did a solid job as a tough but compassionate mother hen on Kevin Hill, but the real performances this year came from 24. I know, I know... I appear to have a bias towards 24, but honestly, people have to understand that an action-based drama can have amazing performances. Alberta Watson as the steely-cold, quietly repressed bureaucrat was impressive this season, and Mary Lynn Rajskub as oddball Chloe O'Brien continued to offer up a wonderfully kooky performance as a socially inept computer programmer. Normally, I'd give the Emmy to her, but this season also featured Oscar nominee Shohreh Aghdashloo as your friendly terrorist next door. If there were only one Emmy given to one actor on television this year, it should go to her.

Outstanding Comedy
Arrested Development
Reno 911!
Desperate Housewives
Scrubs
The OC

Kind of a shaky category. Desperate Housewives and The OC are barely comedies, and honestly, the latter had such an uneven season, I feel weird putting it up there at all. But, I need five shows, and well, dammit if I'm gonna put Yes, Dear or Will & Grace up first. Scrubs is funny but not as sharp as it used to be, and Reno 911! is hysterical but a little hit-or-miss in its second season. Desperate Housewives is a well-made show with enjoyably complicated soap stories and solid performances, but in terms of actual comedy, I'm gonna have to go with Arrested Development. By the way, I don't know if animated shows are eligible for this category, but if so, I might also nominate The Simpsons. Yeah, it's not as funny as it was, but still, considering it just wrapped up its 16th season and on average is way funnier than almost all the network sitcoms, I think the show deserves something more impressive than just a seat at the JV ceremony.

Outstanding Drama
24
Kevin Hill
Lost
Veronica Mars
You choose: The Wire / Nip/Tuck, or Battlestar Galactica

Any guess which one I'm going to choose? That's right! 24. It just so happened that the show had its best season to date, despite getting a little silly towards the end. As for the others, Kevin Hill was the great unheralded drama of the year. It wasn't especially deep or serious, but its light charm was a pleasant diversion from the current network landscape of procedurals and medical dramas. I enjoy Lost, but I'm not as crazy about it as others. Still, I respect ABC for taking a chance on something new and different, and for that I give it a nod. Veronica Mars - haven't seen one episode, but it's just so fun to jump on the bandwagon. Lastly, The Wire is totally awesome. Too bad I fell behind and got so lost I had to relinquish my season pass. Same thing happened to me with Nip/Tuck. Really enjoyed it, but I never got around to catching up on the season. Also -- Battlestar Galactica is supposed to be great. I've seen parts, and I've enjoyed it. I would like to see it nominated just to show that different sorts of shows on cable networks can be recognized.

What do you think? Are my choices totally bizarre? Or are they awesome?

Posted by at 10:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (21)

Despite all of the ridicule I get from some of the other staffers in TVgasm's Los Angeles offices, I am definitely going to tune in. And since there appears to be sufficient interest among readers, I will also be doing the recaps this summer as well.

Posted by at 11:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Big Brother Season 6 "But First" counter WEEK ONE: 4

Send in your "butt first" photo to appear in next week's "But First" post. Winner will get something, unless J-Unit finds some moral or ethical reason to not allow this contest. But until that happens, send in your clever submission to madeyoulaugh@tvgasm.com.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 11:43 AM | Permalink

I simply LOVE Thursday nights during Big Brother season. It has only been a week, which means that we still have a lot of time to go with our "Summer of Secrets" (every time I write that down, I have to say "secrets" in this whisper-like voice. I don't know why, but I enjoy it. Try it for yourself). Thursday means that we will have an eviction, and the first eviction is always the most difficult. It's not necessarily a bad sign to be nominated first, because those people often make it far, but it is quite the slap in the face to be evicted first. The first elimination is pretty much a popularity contest to see who among 14 people is the worst at making friends. Would you want that distinction? I don't think so.

Some of you probably read that first paragraph and thought to themselves "Whoa, J-Unit didn't mention Julie Chen at all. Maybe he isn't as obsessed as the rest." Sorry folks, you are dead wrong. Thursday is my favorite night because of the Chenwatch. Like sg-dub, I prepare for my Chenema and relish the effects. Some may question our obsession, but if you take the time to observe the Chen, you will know what makes us so happy about her. For the novices, we gave you a little Julie head bob game to play (say yes for an up and down motion, say no for side to side), but there are many things to notice for the neophyte Chenthusiast. Just watch. And enjoy.

After a little recap from the first week (the new announcer and intro bug me as well), the Chen got us started, and oh my God, did it look like she was anxious. You know how when you have a dog and it hears your car pulling into the driveway and it waits for you behind the screen door, waiting to pounce as soon as you get in? That was Julie in her first few moments of the show. And it just got better from there. I guess it is live, so there is a lot of pressure, but Julie took an extended look down just to make sure there was still a step. And when they panned out, I finally discovered why. Her pants were so big, she probably had trouble seeing her feet (you think Les gets excited when she has open toes on air?). The first episode and already the wardrobe is a disaster. She had these capri pants on that made it look like she raided the Viacom refuse bins for a pair of one of MC Hammer's more conservative pairs of pants, and took the hem up a bit. Julie, don't stop. DON'T EVER STOP.

Things aren't going so well for Julie early on, which means that there is a good chance that there is going to be plenty of shit to laugh about early in the show. I am not sure if the new set had a new TelePrompTer, but Julie seemed to have had trouble reading some lines and messed up a few times. Luckily, it looks like the cameras are positioned in a similar enough fashion that when it was time for her to pause, turn her head, look into camera 2 and say "But First!", she delivered her signature line with poise. That's our girl.

While the producers gave Chenbot a little bit of a fix, we got to see a bit more footage from the house. It was time for the nominees to do damage control, and Ashlea was up first. She had to work on getting votes, and if there was a woman in the house (or a decent facsimile of one) that needed a vote, Howie was the best bet. Right away, Ashlea started on Howie. I am not sure why she though Howie would help her after all of that great effort he gave her in the veto competition, but you can't knock a girl for trying. While it was intriguing for Howie to think of himself in a house with just a bunch of women, it didn't look like he was convinced that an eye candy voting method would be all that beneficial.

And what about all of those girls with beautiful bodies? I would have to say that Maggie is the least attractive, but if she had to make her living strutting around in lingerie and had huge fake boobs, I think she has some potential. I have loved Chloe Sevigny since "Last Days of Disco," and Maggie does have at least a passing resemblance.

Anyway, Howie isn't the only person taking notice of all of the hot women. Michael was lying in bed with Jennifer, using one of the oldest tricks in the book. If you are caught staring at somebody's exposed (or nearly exposed) nipple while they are lying next to you in a bikini, simply move your hand over and re-adjust the bikini, saying that you "were afraid" her boob would pop out and somebody would notice. Very rarely is the girl stupid enough not to notice, but it does save the awkward conversation that stems if she chimes in first with a "Were you just looking at my boobs?" or "Are you enjoying the show?" or "I am not going to sleep with you, you stupid drunk bastard."

But with all of this mixing between the sexes, you have to watch out that Eric might be on your case. I'm sorry, but I officially hate Eric, and I officially feel sorry for his wife. Maybe it is just his paranoid nature, maybe it is his steroid withdrawal, but why does he throw a fit whenever anybody even thinks about talking with another girl? He brought the point up that Michael might be getting too close, and Kaysar wondered if he should say something, but Eric warned him not to. I am sure that you have all noticed that despite Eric complaining about how much Rachel schemes and how much influence she has in the house, up to this point, Eric is the most bullyish, and has perhaps more influence than anybody else.

I also hate Eric's constant look of constipation

Michael goes to Eric, who immediately knows who told him. Eric goes to Kaysar, saying that he knows that he told Michael. Finally, Kaysar goes to Michael, asking him why he went up to Eric when he told him not to! Eric also begins to whine because he is upset that Kaysar seems to have forgotten the original Neo-Horsemen alliance that they made the first couple of days. Again, Eric is a complete hypocrite, since he has already informed us that he has made a deal with Ivette about the final two. Now, we know that is a lie because both have a friend in the house, but I can tell I am already going to be sick of how Eric is going to twist all logic to make himself look infallible in all the ways that he is a two-faced sun of a bitch. And with the end of that sequence we get our new emphasis drum. In case you didn't notice that there is tension in the room, CBS producers are ready to zoom on all the players involved one by one, and let you know.

It's now time for Julie to work the room a little bit. Her interviews are always marvelous because she has a captive audience, and it is always fun to see how she handles glitches, like people talking over their alloted time. First question is to Ivette, and she is asked what she thinks of the PB&J. After Ivette rambles on a little bit about how she feels, Chenbot gives a nice little "Our plan is working" (I just said that in a Darth Vader voice), and we move on. She asks Janelle who has the best sense of humor in the house. Janelle says "probably Howie" and after Howie says thanks, there is this awkward silence. One-thousand one. Uh oh. One-thousand two. Now I'm hysterical. One-thousand three. Wait, is something really wrong? One-Thousand four. Julie finally chimes in, saying "I probably would have to agree." But maybe my description isn't good enough, so here's the video:

Click on Janelle to play.

When we get back, it was the time that a lot of us have been waiting for, the revelation of the pairings. Now, it wasn't all that hard to figure out a lot of them because so many people happened to be from the same town, but it was nice to finally see who the pair were, and some were so obvious:

• Beau and Ivette. Hooray for originality Big Brother!
• Kaysar and Michael. Yes, they are from Orange County, but did anybody not figure they were neighbors? They live close to each other, which means it's easier to buy all that gel they both love to use in their hair in bulk.
• Eric and Maggie. He saves people from a disaster, and she heals their wounds. Awww.
• Janelle and Ashley. Met while at Johns Hopkins - after surgery. If you like Silence of the Lambs you know what I mean.
• Rachel and Howie. Umm, I got nothing
• James and Sarah. Now we know why he lied about his job. She's a retail manager and he is in loss prevention (rent-a-cop). You think she got him the job? I bet she also makes him dress up in leather and wear a gag.
• April and Jennifer. Sorority sisters, although clearly they met during April's 20-year reunion, and they also had the same plastic surgeon.

They're here, they're queer, get used to it!

The last montage before the eviction (shit, I almost forgot that it was even supposed to happen!) was the plight of James and Sarah. Two people so in love, that are faced with the great challenge of having to pretend they are not a couple. It seemed like they might be doing a decent job, but I wish they would try and pretend that they weren't the most boring people on the planet. They love each other so much, and well, it's hard to see James flirt with other girls, because they love each other so much. It's tough not being able to talk to her because, you know, they love each other so much. Whenever I hear people talk like that, I always think they are trying to convince themselves more than the people around them. And if that wasn't enough, we also had to deal with baby talk and secret little sign language (crossed fingers that mean "I love you"). I hope somebody takes a tire iron and beats both of these shmoopies over the head with it.

It came time for Julie to announce the eviction, But First! we have to have the little speeches from the nominees. Thankfully they are very short, although Ashlea didn't even bother to get up out of her chair. Before she says the name, Julie reminds them that they have one minute to say goodbyes and then they must leave out of the front door. Oh, thanks Julie, we were really afraid that somebody was going to accidentally take the side door, get lost, and find themselves in lost in Burbank or Glendale.

Rounding out a pretty bad night, Julie fumbles a little bit with opening the name of the house guest out of the card. I don't know why they insist on this ceremony, because it is always difficult for the Chenbot, and it just saps her confidence on days like this. When our host finally gets a good glimpse at the name she announces that Kaysar...IS SAFE! Whoa Julie! After a tough night, you don't back down and go for the misdirection anyway! With the first elimination! That takes some guts.

Ashlea's interview is nothing spectacular, and actually quite forgettable. Julie gets her to cry when she shows her a tape of all the nice things Janelle had to say about her. Ashlea said she didn't know they were going to do that. I am not sure what Big Brother she has been watching, but haven't they had goodbye videos for a long time now? Maybe not everybody gets one, but it shouldn't blow you away. What's the next surprise CBS has, that a family member or close friend will show up when they are evicted? The most interesting part of the whole thing was at the beginning when Julie Chen asked Ashlea if her bags were heavy. I think I may have just been reflexively laughing at whatever she does, and it might last, well, until the finale.

The last thing we had to do before we left for the night was the HOH competition, yet another source of Julie Chen moments. I wasn't to stay excited, however, as the game took a lot of what Julie usually does during the HOH competition out of her hands. Each person was asked a True or False question. If anybody got the answer wrong, they were eliminated. If everybody answered correctly, the last person to buzz in would be eliminated. The loser's answer box would flash, so Julie wouldn't have to do an ad lib for any of it. In a surprise, Janelle lasted all the way until the end. I have been going on the pretense that she is an idiot, so being able to answer all of the questions right so quickly impressed me, even if the questions were things like "True or False, the cabinets are green." Janelle finally lost out to Eric, which is not a surprise, since he was the only person in the house with a bigger chin than her. Also did you notice her "You Boar Me" t-shirt with the picture of the, uh, boar? Janelle LOVES punny t-shirts.

When Eric won, he simply went ballistic. He was jumping and shouting and screaming "Yeah!!" It's like he was watching the birth of his first baby or just got accepted to Phoenix University. His intensity is going to start pissing people off very quickly. We learned during Julie's final words that he has been trying to get people to sleep at 11:30(!!) and wants the lights out. I guess having his own room will make him less annoying in that regard, but having the HOH power is quickly going to go to his head. I predict lots of disaster as his alliances fall when people see they don't want to go very far with such an asswipe.

Considering that Big Brother usually starts slow, I am happy with how this first week turned out. There is a lot of debate about how good all of the pairings are going to be, but I think it will be interesting because people know what alliances are in the house and who is influencing who. This just leads to more scheming, and whenever reality contestants use their brains, the results are usually pretty good. Just ask Jennifer, who described the house as very egocentrical. It takes a lot of intelligence to come up with a non-sensical suffix like that (funny TV blog writers excluded, of course). It seems that I have rambled on almost as long as B-Side, so maybe I'll just put the keyboard down and drink some straight vodka to put me to sleep. You probably didn't need to know that second part, but oh well.

How was the first eviction? Who will Eric nominate? Who will go next?

Posted by at 12:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (40)

There's nothing we like more at TVgasm than an old fashioned cat fight, or -- as it's called when men are involved -- a feud. We've had some good ones this year -- Jessica Simpson and Lindsay Lohan, Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields, The Game and 50 Cent (twice!) -- but now Blender Magazine is reporting in its upcoming issue that the next big clash will surely be the most animated yet. Yes, Family Guy is taking on The Simpsons after the latter show depicted Peter Griffin as a clone of Homer Simpson last season. Upset with the implication that his series is just a cheap knockoff,