We've had to deal with a lot of high-profile celebrity breakups, but few have been as rough as the heart-wrenching demise of Laguna Beach's very own Jason and Jessica, also known as Jassica (or Jesson, whichever you prefer). I know what you're thinking. Are they really over and done? Is there such a thing as love at first TRL appearance anymore? If they can't make it work, what hope do the rest of us have?

Just take a deep breath, people. We'll get through this together. If we could survive Kristin and Stephen (and lord knows that was a doozy), we'll somehow, someway get through this dark chapter in Laguna town history. For the moment though, I'm going to light a tea candle vigil for our departed lovebirds in the hopes that maybe this fairy tale romance might somehow rekindle itself.

Oh, who am I kidding? I was nearly dancing on the couch this episode as Jessica finally got bitchslapped with reality and lost the boy she should have dropped several weeks ago. Serves her right for complaining instead of dumping. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start at the beginning.

As usual, the show opened with Kristin regaling us with more tales of The 'Guna. "I've been hanging out with Talan," she narrated, "But he just wasn't boyfriend material." OH SNAP! The show's three seconds old and already Talan's been taken to school. That's okay. Last I heard, he spent the early part of this summer galavanting around with Lindsay Lohan. I'm sure Kristin's boyfriend assessment was the least of his concerns. As for his missing stash of coke? Well, let's just say, he hasn't seen Lindsay since. Wow, that was totally libelous, especially since I just made it up. Libel is fun!

Anyway, Roz and Kristin sat by a window and talked about how Stephen was coming to town. He apparently wanted to take Kristin out to dinner, causing Roz to coo, "You're a pimp." Kristin simply laughed back, "A P.I.M.P." Yes. Much the way Roz is a S.I.D.E.K.I.C.K. What? You never heard that 50 Cent song? It's off his rare Laguna Beach Mixtape Vol. 3. Little known fact: the "G" in G-Unit stands for 'Guna.

After we Duffed out on the opening credits, we discovered the title of this episode was the cheery "I Hate Valentine's Day." And by the way, the people who say they hate Valentine's Day actually looooove it but just don't want to admit it (usually because they don't have a date). Take THAT, Valentine's haters!

Anyway, the ever-annoying Lo returned to the show, this time toting her nervous-looking boyfriend, Patrick, who may or may not be Keanu Reeve's long lost child. The two trudged down LC's outdoor staircase (home to all sorts of unflattering angles) and then reunited with the college dropout inside the mansion. Patrick, who observed everything like a frightened hamster, loosened up a little, even going so far as to make some jokes. But of course, killjoy LC had to ruin everyone's moods by hating on Valentine's Day. Oh boo-hoo. Maybe you should be out meeting people in college instead of hanging around your parents' house, waiting for the MTV cameras to come calling? Wow, that was quite parental of me.

Elsewhere in Laguna, Stephen reunited with his sidekick Dieter who ALSO happened to be home from college. Since when did Valentine's Day warrant a college homecoming? A cynical part of me believes these kids are just hopping at any opportunity to return to the MTV cameras. I don't even want to know what stunts they'll pull for Arbor Day.

Anyway, Dieter and Stephen shared some meaningful glances, and as they muttered about their Valentines, we saw that a) Dieter has packed on his Freshman 15 quite impressively, and b) Stephen's hair is prone to afternoon puffiness. Pretty exciting stuff.

Meanwhile, Kristin was the latest loudmouth to jump on the "I Anti-Heart Valentine's Day" bandwagon. As she complained and prepared for a big night out with Stephen, Roz sat alone and dejected on a bed, wisely noting that the people who always whine about Valentine's always have plans (nice insight, Roz. Just goes to show. Years of observing Dr. Frasier Crane have really paid off!). "At least you have something to do tonight," rebuffed Roz to Kristin's latest complaint. Poor Roz. Nothing to do on Valentine's except sit around and wait for her master to call. Well, either that or catch up on her Kelsey Grammar collection (might be a Down Periscope kind of night).

Unfortunately, this affable scene was promptly ruined by the always-annoying Jessica who unsurprisingly had a story that was technically meant to cheer Roz up, but only served to readjust the spotlight on Jessica instead. "I just spent a hundred dollars on cookie stuff and candles!" she exclaimed, as if they had JUST been talking about cookie stuff and candles (which they weren't). Hey Jessica, did you happen to buy a muzzle too by any chance? It's sad that I now regard Kristin as the normal, cool one (next to Rozzy).

Just when I thought this scene couldn't get any worse, Roz brought the news that we so feared: "Jessica, Jason is calling your phone. I'm not even kidding." Great. More drama. "What?" asked Jessica, suddenly excited. "Jason's calling. Should I get it?" responded Roz. With a smile creeping over her face, Jessica replied, "No, let me answer." The new cookie and candle owner bounded out of the bathroom, at which point Roz laughed and said, "I'm just kidding. I'm bored." I LOVE ROZ!!

Anyway, while Kristin went off to dinner with Stephen, Jessica attempted to make things romantic for Jason by lighting what seemed like thousands of tea candles in her living room. "Jessica, he's just your boyfriend. He's just coming over for dinner with you," remarked her friend Courtney. Amen to that. Maybe with a little luck, Jessica will catch on fire. Or at least her $100 worth of cookies will.

Meanwhile, Kristin and Stephen opted to shun 'Guna fave Pasta Pomodoro in favor of the classier Rumari's, home of the giant lobster entrée (was I the only one who salivated over the massive chunks of lobster Kristin was shoveling onto her fork?). The two former lovers had some strained but flirtatious dialogue, with the ever articulate Kristin finally proclaiming, "Yeah, every time I see you, I feel like. Like it's fi--, you know, like uh, whatever. You know what I'm trying to say?" Not really, but well-stated nonetheless.

Must... Eat... Lobster...

Maybe we should go back to Jessica and see how her romantic evening with a bag of tea candles and cookie dough is going. Well, it wasn't really "going" as much as it was "slowly rolling to an awkward stop." Yes, Jason showed up with takeout food, and as they quietly took their seats (he on the couch, she on the floor), the scene unfolded with the uncomfortable charm of a first date from hell. Granted, I'm sure the lumbering MTV cameras didn't help, but this was what we like to call a horrendous dinner. Not only did they have little to talk about, but the times when they did open their mouths, it was usually to impart passive-aggressive comments. Well, actually, Jason was more aggressive than passive. "You're a bad influence on me. I shouldn't be with you." Happy Valentine's!!

The next day, the royal triumvirate of Kristin, Roz, and Jessica met to talk about their Valentine's Days. Well, not Roz. As we all know, she was home alone; unloved and spurned, as usual. Kristin babbled a little bit about Stephen, but then it was time for Jessica to kvetch, and sure enough, she assaulted us with her same old whining. "He never calls! Never wants to hang out!" HE. DOES NOT. LIKE YOU. Do you want him to put it in sky writing??

Thankfully, Kristin and Roz were just as fed up as the rest of us and once again told their annoying friend that they had no sympathy for her. The two listed several reasons why she should dump Jason, but Jessica merely put her hands over her ears and did the whole "la la la" routine. So yes, she actively denied reality. Idiot. Roz better call Frasier on over. We'll need his help.

Meanwhile, Stephen decided to surprise LC with flowers and chocolates. It was the least he could do, considering he had spurned her for Kristin on Valentine's Day (not that LC even knew). Anyway, Stephen showed up at LC's door, causing her the squeal with joy and shower him with hugs and (in her head, at least) kisses. OMG! Stephen's back!!! Yay!!! LC hadn't seen him in like three and a half weeks!!

Unfortunately, this visit was merely a pop-in, and no sooner had he arrived than he was gone. LC retreated to the kitchen with her chocolates where she and her friend dug in with rabid delight. "He gave you candy too?" asked LC's dad. "You know what that means. 'I Love You.'" Shut up, DAD!

We then returned to Jessica's house where we quickly discovered that her phone ringtone was just as annoying as she was. The best way I can describe it is some hybrid between sleigh bells and a mosquito. Anyway, this scene was actually surprisingly awesome, if only because we got to witness Jason not only dumping Jessica, but dumping her on the phone. Okay, we should probably move her into a padded cell now.

Later, Jason and Cedric spent a romantic evening together enjoying some of the finest culinary delights Wahoo's Fish Tacos had to offer. Of course, Cedric was quite excited about the big breakup (he ever so hated being the other woman). "I thought she was going to kill herself," laughed Cedric. Yeah, my thoughts exactly. But then I remembered that she'll probably have to go through her crazy stalker phase first.

Actually, I was wrong on that front too. I forgot that before she could go all Fatal Attraction, Jessica needed the "Psssh. I'm over it. He's the one who's not over it" phase. Sure enough, we caught up with her venting to Kristin, acting as if she were totally fine. And then, as often happens on Laguna Bach, Jason conveniently happened to call up. "It's Jason. Should I answer it?" asked Jessica with a sly smile. Well, of course, she picked up the phone and on the other end, we could hear a loud cackle and then "Hey, it's Roz. GOTCHA AGAIN!!!!! HAHHAHAHAHA!"

Okay, that didn't happen, but Jessica did answer the phone. Jason said he was coming over, and I was kind of confused. Didn't they break up? What else did they need to discuss? Oh that's right, MTV just needed a scene to end on.

So Jason showed up, which was very awkward because Kristin was still sitting there. I kind of hoped that she would stay, just to provide a voice of reason for these two, but she left, unfortunately. The former lovebirds sat on opposite couches and kind of talked, but not really. Jason apologized for being such a dick, but as usual, his smirky little grin popped up, causing Jessica to go ballistic. She wanted to know what was so damn funny, and you just knew that he wanted to say "YOU," but even Jason had some restraint. Either that, or he was reminiscing on his latest tickle fight with Cedric.

Anyway, Jason ultimately said that he and Jessica couldn't be friends like before, and after he left the house (effective conversation!), Jessica completely broke down and all but put out the Bat Signal to get Kristin to come over. Kristin came over quite quickly, which had me wondering if maybe she had been sitting out on the porch the entire time.

With tears streaming down her face, Jessica was a hysterical mess. She announced that she blames things on herself and wanted to know what she did wrong. Jessica blames things on herself? Really? Couldn't tell! I thought she was dating an asshole for the fun of it. Poor Kristin had to tend to her friend, and as the episode came to a close, the two girls hugged for support. Like OMG! I was like totally crying!!

What did you think about this episode? Did Jessica get what was coming to her?

Posted by at 5:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (77)

• The Donald resurfaces to plug his version of The Apprentice (affectionately known by me as "Apprentice Classic"). In a New York Times article, Trump claims that he hated season three's cast and therefore decided to cast the next installment all by himself. He even flew to Los Angeles to meet with prospective candidates in person. And no visit to the TVgasm offices? For shame, Donald! [New York Times]


• And speaking of that new cast, the New York Post has all the info. This season will feature the first openly gay candidate (not to be confused with last season's not-so-openly gay Alex). [New York Post via Reality Blurred]


• Good Apprentice news always comes in threes. Martha Stewart's losing the ol' ball and chain tonight, quite literally. [AP]


• Viewership for the VMAs was down sharply this year. Also down sharply: R. Kelly's one-man-show Tony bid. [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]


• Rummy to appear on Letterman next week. This will be awkward. [AP]

Posted by at 2:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Bliss. Pure bliss.

Anyone who watched tonight's episode of Big Brother knows exactly what I'm talking about. It was a pure TVgasm. The timing of this season has really worked out perfectly for me. I've been lucky enough to ravage some of the juiciest episodes this summer: Kaysar's big chess coup, Janelle's "Bye Bye Bitches" triumph, and now this, the divine moment when The Friendship began to realize that America does, in fact, hate them.

Words cannot express how much fun it was to watch the tears, the disbelief, the rage. Once again, the good people at Grodner/Shapiro have delivered us a nugget of reality goodness, and for that, I have to say thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

For sure, I thought this episode would be a dud. After all, newly installed Head of Household April would surely carry on with the Friendship orders and happily target Janelle and Howie. I honestly didn't know if I'd be able to deal. But then a glimmer of hope came into my life. As we reminisced on Rachel's recent departure, Beau curiously noted that he and Ivette were the last pair standing. "Everyone is not even looking at us as a target," he said proudly in the Diary Room. Uh oh. Something is afoot. That was just the sort of cocky attitude the producers love to tear down. Would this episode provide some cataclysmic rift in The Friendship? Alas, after weeks of watching Kaysar's alliance slowly crumble, I couldn't pain myself with the thought that there might just be hope left, only to have those dreams dashed by cruel CBS misdirection. My heart can only take so much torture.

Anyway, Rachel walked out the door to Chenbotville, leaving the remaining house guests to stand around and speak in hushed voices, as usual. We could tell the Chenterrogation was going on because Rachel's video image turned gray at a noticeably slow frame rate, clearly the biproduct of a Chenbot power overload. Seriously, we were about two seconds away from a rolling blackout.

We then returned to the HOH competition where we once again relived the atrocity that was Janelle losing out to April. As The Friendship pounced on her from all angles, April gushed, "I felt like I had been crowned... like Miss America!" Funny, I didn't think Miss America let seniors into the competition. But then again, the organizers might make an exception for April, what with her famed romance with Bert Parks in 1952 (The same year, coincidentally, that Queen Elizabeth II was, you guessed it, crowned. It all comes together).

As the joy parade continued, Maggie noted, "I felt the most confident out of anyone with April winning HOH." Hmmm... more cockiness. CBS, don't toy with me! I will not be a happy blogger if you pick me up, only to cut me down again. At the very least, I could still enjoy the ever-deluded Ivette who screamed across the house, "AMERICA LOVES YOU, APRIL!!!" How about we put that thought on pause, mmmkay?

Later, everyone sat around the dining room table, talking about how no one had won HOH twice. Janelle then looked at Howie and commented, "Not really because the week that you won, we put our own side up. So Maggie was actually Head of Household twice." Oh SLAM!!!! Janey managed to dis Maggie and Howie all at once. Amazing! Is there anything she can't do?

Maggie and The Friendship, meanwhile, looked around with confused smiles, as if to say, "We'll smile to be polite, but we're pretty sure you just made fun of us." Actually, Maggie just came right out and said it, "I don't get it." It's good to see that Cappy's sense of humor remained. Maybe Janelle should have adopted some Beau-isms and communicated via nonsensical grayscale comments.

Afterwards, James began his weekly ass-kissing, this time focusing on his most gullible target, Ivette. While the two chatted outside, April and Maggie suddenly realized that this was not such a great alliance. "It may get in the way of The Friendship," said Maggie. "It may absolutely be a potential problem if it's not addressed." I like how she talks as if there's actually formal Friendship meetings -- like some cloying sect of Quakerism. Nevertheless, with the impending threat of Ivette and James looming, April and Maggie literally sprinted across the house to the Gold Room as if a giant fireball were on their heels (and yes, I truly enjoyed April's geriatric gait). Anyway, April urgently pushed the idea of backdooring (hee-hee) James this week and needed Howie and Janelle to agree to not select him as their veto partner. Man, if this plan goes through and Janelle and Howie spare themselves another week... I can't think about it. Must not get too excited...

Of course, the smart move for Janelle and Howie would be to insist that Ivette and Beau be put up as the pawns instead. And if April refused, the two could simply threaten to bring James into the veto competition. Unfortunately, Janelle and Howie weren't thinking at such Kaysar levels, and as they later mulled over the situation to themselves, Howie reasoned, "We got nothing to lose." NO! DON'T LISTEN TO HOWIE LOGIC!!! It leads to bad things! Make Ivette and Beau go up instead!!

Anyway, since this was the first episode after April ascended to power, it meant we had the joy of watching the great unveiling of the HOH room. And yes, it was just as bad as we thought it would be. Actually, I take that back. The little personal artifacts weren't as cloying as my nightmares had suggested, but Beau was in rare form, squealing like an air raid siren every time anyone shoved an object in his face. Remind me to wear earmuffs next time he enters a new HOH room. April got the usual gifts from home including a picture of her husband and, of course, Pepperowwwwni. She also received a blue bathrobe which she donned as if it were some royal garb passed down from Charlemagne's court. But what really got her choked up was a small bracelet. We never really learned the significance behind this trinket, but it sent April into a tailspin of emotions, ultimately ending with her proclaiming, "MY HUSBAND!!! HE LOVES ME!!!" Just like America!

Howie meanwhile made inroads with his latest apology campaign by kissing Pepperoni's picture and telling the dog he was sorry about the pizza joke. Ah, but it wasn't sincere because moments later in the Diary Room, Howie happily sang, "B-U-S-T-O and Busto was her name-o." Ooh, nice one Howie! What's up with Howie being funny lately? Doesn't make sense.

Okay, back to game talk. The Official Grand Conclave of the Friendship met in the HOH room under the rule of the freshly bathrobe'd April. There was much to debate today. Ivette wanted Janelle out of the house. Maggie wanted James out of the house. And Beau wanted to say "fabulous" just for good measure. Ultimately, the momentum seemed to side with Maggie, and the group opted for a traditional backdoor plan for James. "Do NOT say anything to him!" commanded April to Ivette. Okay, how long until Ivette spills the beans? I give her t-minus two minutes.

In case anyone still doubted that April is an old lady...

Amazingly, however, Ivette kept mum (or at least as far as we could tell), and the next morning, Janelle and Howie came a callin' to Busto's room to find out what the latest plan was. Janey wanted April to put Ivette up as a pawn as well, simply because it would ensure that if she won the veto, she would use it. But April assured the two that if Ivette went back on her word, The Friendship would target her the next week. Suuuure. Kind of like how Jennifer said her alliance would totally understand if she nominated them as pawns to backdoor James. But then talk got around to the idea of putting both Ivette AND Beau up on the block as pawns, and after a good twenty minutes of self-control, I finally gave over to hope and let my heart skip a beat or two. After all, was it not Beau who had so proudly bragged that he was out of the spotlight? Might he finally be going up on the block??

Well, it was time for April to make her nominations, and this of course led to the typical "What should I do?" montage of the HOH sitting over the nomination thingy (memo to producers: please name that key box next year). "I like for people to like me," explained April from the Diary Room. But April, didn't you hear what Ivette said? America LOVES you!

Anyway, at the nomination ceremony, we quickly discovered that all that Beau/Ivette talk was merely just that: talk. Howie and Janelle were put up on the block, and the momentary euphoria I had felt just a few minutes earlier was quickly vanquished. THANKS CBS.

Howie and Janelle took their nominations fairly well, and they seemed to chest bump each other in support, but then I realized they had simply both overshot their hug, making for one hell of a collision (okay, it wasn't that big of a deal. But I like to harp.) James, meanwhile, noticed that something was up and immediately realized he was being backdoored (hope he lubed up!).

With the nominations now established, April and the rest of her alliance approached Ivette to make sure she was still on the same page. The Spicy Latina (who Everybody Loves, btw) seemed torn with the prospect of possibly using the veto, and a knot tightened in my stomach as I realized that this might all be building up to an Ivette victory.

At the Veto Competition, April picked Maggie, Janelle picked Ivette, and Howie picked Beau to participate. James, meanwhile, picked an awkward expression to hide his displeasure. Random observation: when James tries to cover his unhappiness with a fake mini-smile, he looks quite matronly, does he not?

Anyway, the competition was fairly basic but still fun. Each competitor was placed in a trough of mud, hidden in which were several keys. Hanging on one side of the trough were four giant vetos that needed to be unlocked and dropped in a slot on the other side of the trough. First person to get all his or her vetos in the slot would win. But wait, there's more! Of the four hanging vetos, one of them was silver. The first contestant to unlock his or her silver veto and drop it in the slot would win the combo to the second safe in the Gold Room. A multi-tiered veto competition! EXCITING! Well, exciting for most of us. Ivette wasn't so ecstatic: "Mud. I hate mud." And mud hates you. And by "mud," I mean "America."

As the Veto Competition got underway, everyone hustled for the big prize, especially Howie. "I don't trust the Nerd Herd as much as I can pick Maggie up and throw her on her big, fat ass," he said. Ouch! Howie with another funny. Although, it does seem odd that Howie has coined this term "Nerd Herd" when he, in fact, is a self-proclaimed follower of the Jedi lifestyle. Maybe the "Nerdier Herd" would be better.

Well, even though I was fearing an Ivette victory, April actually won the veto, making it the very first (and probably last) time I'll ever cheer for her to win anything (and "cheer" is an overstatement. It was more like a general relief that Ivette lost). Also winning big was the lovely Janelle who focused all her efforts on unlocking her silver veto. Makes sense. She knows she pretty much can't win the big prize. Might as well go for everything else. This, of course, made all The Friendship intensely jealous, especially April, who complained, "Janelle is the luckiest person in this game. It makes me sick. She wins everything." Except HOH this week, jerk. Be thankful you still have a shot at that $500,000.

Anyway, Janelle hopped on over the safe and discovered she had won a trip for two to the Bahamas, courtesy of Travelocity. Oh, and she also won a gnome. This was cool, but not nearly as cool as the time on The Amazing Race when Phil Koegan held a Travelocity gnome up to his teat. That, my friends, was magical.

Janelle announced that she was going to take her mom on the trip, and even though The Friendship was supposedly founded on some sort of moral high ground, that didn't stop Ivette from committing that most Ten Commandment-y of sins: coveting thy neighbor. Ivette threw a near hissy fit, whining that Janelle wins every damn prize. Must I remind you again? Barring some sort of miracle, SHE WON'T WIN THE GAME. So stop moping around and be happy you're in the majority.

Hey, remember America's Choice? With all this activity, I nearly forgot that tonight was the big results show. Just to remind everyone, last week, we launched a small campaign to vote for Janelle, if only to make The Friendship cry. To be honest, I wasn't sure of how successful it would be. It certainly didn't have the same traction as the Save Kaysar movement; hell, I didn't even try to hawk any magnets this time around. So would TVgasm prevail?

"I think almost everyone is voting for Ivette to get it," surmised an absolutely clueless Maggie. Oh, if they could only SEE their popularity polls at CBS.com. Needless to say, I wasn't sure if Janelle would win, but I was pretty positive Ivette would not. Oh, it will be glorious!

Nevertheless, Maggie continued to raise Ivette's hopes: "If it's not you, I think it'll be hard on all of us." EXCELLENT. Okay, I had to admit, I kind of felt bad for Ivette. She was so nervous and excited that she could barely contain her emotions. With her chin slightly quivering and her words soft and brief, we knew that losing this phone call would crush her in ways that we could only imagine. Not even Cappy would be able to lift her spirits.

Later, while the house guests were busy doing things like running on the treadmill and sitting around, a cell phone in the living room began ringing (with the Big Brother theme song ringtone, natch). Janelle answered it and... Hallelujah! It was Michael! We did it again! YES!!!!

Now, unlike the first America's Choice, I'm pretty sure TVgasm was the only place that organized a Vote For Janelle campaign; so in the interest of self-promotion based on no empirical data, I'll just go out on a limb and say this was a true TVgasm victory. And by all means, if anyone's seen other Janelle campaigns, please tell us. We're more than happy to share the glory.

Well.

Well, well, well.

I'll just say that the next five minutes of Big Brother were sublime. And before I rehash them, let me just say that when TVgasm encourages people to act in a certain way, we know what we're doing. We know what will create good TV, and if there was ever any doubt, look no further than this beautiful segment.

You see, the point of our little campaign was to quite simply make The Friendship cry. That's all we wanted. Sure, it was a little more vindictive and mean than what we normally do, but well, all's fair in Big Brother season. With Janelle and Howie and James most likely on the outs in the coming weeks, our triumphs over The Friendship will be few and far between, which is why we here at TVgasm pounced at the opportunity to score this rare victory. Having Janelle not only win the America's Choice but also use it to chat with Michael would simply be a slap in the face of La Herd Du Nerd, and personally, the way it all played out was far better than anything I could have imagined.

As Janelle babbled about inane things with Michael ("Did Britney Spears have her baby?"), The Friendship looked only with fake smiles, barely concealing their jealousy and disappointment. Ivette, for one, looked absolutely destroyed. "A lot of the conversation existed of things that were not very intellectual," complained Maggie. Yes, I too enjoy intellectual things. You know, like properly using "consisted' instead of "existed." And WTF was Maggie talking about anyway? Was she expecting Janelle to discuss Nietzsche or something? I guarantee that had Maggie won the call, she would have spent the entire time yapping away about her stupid turtle collection.

She's gonna lose it. Wait for it... Wait for it...

And then the commentary came.

"It hurts my feelings to know that America loves Janelle," April told us. Other things that hurt her feelings: turning 87.

Oh, but April wasn't done.

"Anyone who would sit here and think that Janelle deserves a phone call from Michael over anyone else in this house, I just have to question their character," she seethed. Question all you want. You're just feeding the monster.

Well, once the call was over, the real fun began. Ivette quietly retired to the HOH room where she collapsed on the slumber party mattress and full-on SOBBED into a pillow. I mean, she cried like she'd never cried before. Honestly, this was way above and beyond our highest crying expectations. It felt like I had found an artist and said, "Draw a picture" and he painted a Mona Lisa instead.

Funniest crying EVER!

With Ivette languishing on the mattress, Maggie incredulously explained the situation to us. "Ivette's feelings are really, really hurt. She feels like, how could America pick Janelle to get a phone call from someone that she knew for two weeks vs. her get a phone call from someone that she's in love with?" Interesting question. How could America pick Janelle over Ivette? Simple. America likes smart people.

In the HOH room, Maggie further derided Janelle. "Well, that says a lot about her. 'I choose someone that I've known for two weeks.'" Yeah, how could Janelle put so much stock into someone she's known so briefly? In other news, Ivette, April, and Beau have left burnt offerings at the altar of Cappy.

Eventually, The Friendship faced this traumatic event with the best defense they could muster: denial. "There's no way that America likes Michael," April insisted. Heh. You're wrong, bitch.

"There's no way that America picked Janelle," echoed Maggie. Oh, this was wonderful. My "Mwhahahahaha" surely could be heard across Hollywood.

"We don't believe it!" April reiterated angrily. "America did not vote Michael's ass to come back in this house. So how could it have been that America voted for Michael to call Janelle? Uh, no. There's no way that could have happened. There's just no way." You see, April, it wasn't so much that we voted for Michael, as it was we voted for Janelle. And it wasn't so much that we voted for Janelle, as it was we voted against YOU (although, I voted for Janelle because I like her too).

Ah, but there was no stopping April. She was more fired up than that time her Model T broke down on the way to the Woodrow Wilson rally. "The houseguests are missing their loved ones. And you're gonna freakin' get Michael to call Janelle?? I mean, that's just crazy. That's stupid!" You know what's crazy and stupid? Leaving your loved ones in the first place. SHUT UP! (Actually, keep screaming at us. This is the funniest shit I've seen all year).

Sensing a possible way to un-backdoor himself, James entered the fray and tried to fan the flames of rage against Janelle. "There's no way that America could be that cruel," said James. Hmmm... We don't like to think of it as cruelty as much as justice.

And finally, the coup de grâce. April, take us home! "The fans that watch this show are all pieces of shit!" Hahahaha. Awesome. Good luck working your way into our hearts now, BUSTO!

Well, as shock receded, Ivette literally threw a temper tantrum, whining, "I want her gone! I want her out of this house!" Uh oh. Baby wants her bottle. Amusingly enough, Janelle then entered the room, causing The Friendship to smile politely and assure her that no, they weren't mad at her. She didn't do anything.

Of course, by then, Ivette logic had taken over the group as they now believed she was not only one of the luckiest people in the house, but she would ride that luck to the end of the game. Hey idiots, how about you stop worrying about mystical forces and think about strategy instead.

Nevertheless, the wagging finger of regret entered my mind as I suddenly feared that this America's Choice victory might just imperil our dear Janey. Still, even if April reneged on backdooring James, it would have been worth it just to have seen the past five minutes. Luckily, at the POV ceremony, April surprisingly lived up to her word and took Janelle (!) off the block. And at long last, James (doing his matronly upset face) was backdoor-ed into the loser's circle. I like James, but if his exit means Janelle will go farther, I'm all for it. Plus, now I don't have to deal with haters saying "YOU SCREWED JANELLE!!"

What a wonderful episode. What did you think?

Posted by at 4:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (99)

...And you thought B-Side would be handling the Prison Break recaps. Ha! Alas, you're stuck with me, sg-dub, TVgasm veteran of such classic reality fare as Project Greenlight, I Want to be a Hilton, Surreal Life, and The Cut. In a sense, I've been in "Prison" myself, writing about that dreck for months - and it's time for me to "Break" free with a dramatic show that people actually watch. So, gee, thanks J-Unit and B-Side for pumping up this show yesterday and today. It's not like I feel any pressure to recap one of the most anticipated 2 hour premieres of the fall season! Hell, I'm not sure I even know how to write a recap of a show I actually liked...

Hello. My name is sg-dub and I'm an alcoholic. Oops... Wrong blog. Hello. My name is sg-dub and I'm capable of recapping shows I enjoy. [Crickets] Seriously... I swear! Goddamnit, at this point, I'm not sure I even believe that. But without further procrastination, let's get on with it. I mean, there's a character on the show named Teabag, so what the hell am I waiting for?

The premiere opened with our hero, Michael Scofield, getting a full body tattoo courtesy of the former 4 Non Blonds lead singer. I was wondering what she was up to these days - nice to see she's getting some day acting work. Michael took it like a man and retreated to his office, which was cluttered with all sorts of articles and computer equipment. I had read a few articles about the show prior to watching and I knew that it was "clever" and contained many clues throughout. So, like many TV dorks around the country, I tried to read and remember what each newspaper clipping headline read as he ripped them off his walls. There was one about insulin therapy for Type 1 diabetes, there was another about - oh hell, the next thing I knew he was tossing his hard drive into the river far below. One reason I missed what a few of the clippings said was because I was aghast at one of the credits that popped up onscreen: Brett Ratner, Director. At that point I almost pulled a Michael Scofield and ripped my TiVo out and threw it out my window. But I had a job to do, Ratner be damned.

The lightning pace of these opening set-up scenes continued as the scene shifted to another day where a smartly dressed Michael was shooting a gun into the ceiling of the bank he was robbing. The cowering teller implored him to just take the half million dollars he already had in his briefcase and make his getaway since her boss was at White Castle and therefore no one could access the safe. Hey, if Harold and Kumar taught me anything, it's that when a man wants his square burger, a man's gonna get his square burger - ain't no little armed robbery gonna stop him. The police arrived, surrounded the building, and Michael promptly gave up. What gives? Two seconds ago he was a full-on gun-toting reprobate and now he's a capitulating wuss. Hmmmm....

Fast forward a few weeks to his trial, where Judge Dennisa Rodman was presiding. With no argument, Michael pleaded "no contest" and didn't put up a fight regarding his felony charges. His pretty lawyer, Veronica, was incredulous - she simply couldn't believe her client was essentially signing his life away. By not arguing these charges, previously non-violent Michael was agreeing to be sent to a state penitentiary! Who would do such a thing?! Hmmmm... And so, he was sentenced to five years at Fox River State Pen with no parole available for a year. And yet, Michael seemed somehow placated and almost happy with all these horrible twists of fate. Is he like some sort of super masochistic gay Oz fan who wanted to live out some crazy prison rape fantasy? Or was it something else?

That answer would surely come soon enough, but first Michael had to be processed and checked into the prison. You'd think with a name like "Fox River," the prison would have some nice rolling hills, a babbling brook, and a couple foppish Brits in Lands End anoraks cantering about on horseback - but no, it appeared to be a real (slightly urban) prison with a bunch of grizzled criminals in giant granny panties. As each new prisoner was deloused and cavity searched, there was our handsome hero Michael greeting the bitter guard, Bellick. Ah, clever writers; Bellick = bellicose. Bellick is the first complete cliche of the prison drama, but at least he does a good job of it. While completing his check-in, we notice that Michael's medical report states that he is a Type 1 diabetic. A-ha! A clue! Oh, wait... I think we already gleaned that from his papers back at the office. Damn.

As Michael was acclimating to his new home, his sweet and friendly roommate Sucre was explaining the ways of prison life. Just then, while Michael was watching from his cell, a prisoner was stabbed in the kidney by another from behind. "Welcome to 'Prisneyland,' Fish," intoned Sucre. Ah, I get it... The cellmate is comic relief. Too bad for Michael; I have a feeling he's going to be more of the Whoopi Comic Relief type of funny rather than actually, y'know, "funny" funny. While Michael was bonding in prison, his lawyer Veronica was still losing sleep over her client's strange behavior. It's nice to see a criminal defense lawyer who actually cares about her clients... I mean, it's almost like she had a longtime relationship with Michael. It turns out, she does. Another clue?! And for the record, Michael is prisoner #94941 - another clue?! Yes, actually it is. It's a clue which says that if you care to remember that, you are a total geek nearing Trekkie levels.

The next day out in the prison yard, Michael seems pensive as he scans the scene laid out before him: The blacks playing basketball over there, the whites lifting weights over there, the Latinos milling about over there... And there are some pay phones! A steam vent! A fire hydrant! A sewer grate! Clues up the wazoo! I half expected a blue dog to start hopping about and a dork named Steve to explain to us what a fire hydrant is. Michael made his way over to the grate and apparently didn't like the latest issue of Loft magazine, as he serruptitiously dropped it into the sewer. Damn, Loft magazine's big break on a primetime network TV show and its scene is in a prison sewer. Worst product placement. Ever. Michael then caught a glimpse of a guy working alone in another section of the prison yard. He began asking Sucre about him. Lincoln Burroughs was the name, murdering the Vice President's brother was his game. He was scheduled to die in the electric chair in one month's time and he was virtually inaccessible. Unless... Unless one was to get close with the local mafia don, John Andruzzi. Because, in this prison, a deathrow inmate can continue to work amongst the general population, and Andruzzi controlled who got "employed" on the team. "Buy why," wondered Sucre to Michael, "Do you care about Lincoln Burroughs?"

"Because he's my brother." Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod! If only FOX didn't reveal this fact in its month-long advertising campaign buildup. If only every previewer didn't explain the entire plot of the show before I watched it, that would have been AWESOME. Despite the lack of surprise, it was still a very impacting scene. And godDAMN that Michael Scofield has some penetrating eyes. After the artfully timed commercial break, we were treated to a flashback wherein an imprisoned Lincoln was talking to a then-free Michael, explaining that he was innocent and was totally set up by "someone" who wants him killed. Flash forward to Michael's cell where his Hispanic cellie Sucre was writing a letter to his girlfriend. He was proposing marriage to her and was asking how to spell "passion." "Is that with an h?" Ah, stereotypes... Hey FOX, not all prisoners are bad spellers!

At this point, the show switched to an out-of-place little scene with some kid buying a couple pounds of pot and getting busted by the cops. I'll rip through this story arc now, because every time the show switched to it, it annoyed me. The kid was LJ and he's Lincoln's son. Michael was a father figure to him, but then he went and purposely got arrested and imprisoned so he could be with his brother - in the hopes to escape with him before the execution date. Later, LJ's mom brought him to prison to get some "fatherly advice" from Lincoln but it fell on deaf ears. When Lincoln expressed exasperation about the fact that he was going to die soon, LJ spat, "You're already dead to me." Lincoln then returned to his cell to find a bloody horse's head in his bed. Got all that? Good, because I will not mention that punk LJ again. And I made up the horse part.

Alright, the show really started picking up here, so stick with me. Back in the yard, Michael approached the local mafia guy, Andruzzi (who happens to be the ugliest dude on TV at the moment), to ask him if he could join the work detail. This was, of course, an asinine request from a newbie like Michael. "Oh yeah," thought Michael, "I'll show you what you're missing out on." He then flung a little origami duck at him and strutted away. Now, I know the social norms and caste systems in prison are different than what we are used to. But when showing a guy up with origami skills is all you've got, dude, at least come up with something cool like a robot or even a bear. A duck? That's just weak. OR WAS IT A CLUE?! As if to tell us viewers that yes, of course it was a clue, the next scene took place in a meat processing plant when one mafia guy mumbled something to another mafia guy. Skipping ahead in the show a little bit, to keep me sane here, the meatpacking mafia guy calls Andruzzi in prison and discusses with him that "somebody knows where Fibonacci is" in the witness protection program. Oh yeah, who? The meatpacker doesn't know who but he does mention that the proof of this knowledge included an origami duck! Aha! Why do I think Prison Break geeks will latch onto origami ducks as "their" symbol?

As if that weren't enough with the ducks, Michael visited the hot prison doctor (FOX once again doing its part to further the woman's equality movement with a female lawyer and female doctor. The fact that they are both young and pretty mean nothing, please move along) for an infected tattoo. Turns out, the good doctor is the Governor's daughter and not very observant. For as she turned around to read some charts, Michael was able to scamper across the room and drop another origami duck down a drain in the floor. And here I was expecting him to whip up one of those origami roses for the doctor. You remember, those things that the Asian kid kept making and giving to all the girls at the 8th grade formal dance? Not today, as Michael had more important things to worry about, I suppose. Like getting some alone time with his brother, for one. After a church service that morning, he does just that and quietly promises to orchestrate an escape for both of them. Lincoln sighed and said it was impossible but Michael replied, "Not if you designed the place." Another "hmmmm-worthy" moment.

Phew, what a show. And we've got a long ways to go, so get comfortable. At this point I'm unfortunately noticing that Prison Break does not contain (yet) any of those ridiculous plot twists or impossibilities like 24. This sucks for me because there's really not much to make fun of... The show kicks ass, plain and simple. Christ, please give me a teenage Arab with an afro at some point. C'mon, FOX... I'll give you an origami duck! Alas, no Behrooz and no lispy IT nerd. Instead we get two guys in suits cryptically informing us that "Bishop McMorrow is not in the fold." Bishop F'ing McMorrow? Who is that? Dapper men in suits? Why? Like the LJ story arc, I'll tie this one up here as well. See, Bishop McMorrow is the top Catholic dog in the city and he opposes the death penalty on principle. Lincoln is scheduled to die in a month and apparently he simply must not live any longer than that for some reason. So, in other words, the Bishop can't be allowed to go through his namby pamby anti-death penalty gibberish, extending Lincoln's life - even by a day. So the two suits visit McMorrow personally and try to blackmail him, but he doesn't bite. Later, while the Bishop was sleeping (dreaming pure thoughts, no doubt), an unseen assassin murdered him. Oh, and get this: The two guys in the suits were... Secret Service agents! Screw the DaVinci code, we've got Prison Break! Now all we need is the Pope to get involved.

Back at Fox River prison, Michael was meeting with the warden. That would be Warden Pope - no joke. Turns out that the Warden did his homework on Michael and knows he lied on his background check. Uh-oh, the gig is up! Rather than being unemployed, as he noted, Pope knew that he was actually a structural engineer. And? And? The warden would like his assistance with his scale model of the Taj Mahal, which is to be a gift for his wife on their anniversary, not his kid's science fair project as you'd hope. What if... If the Taj Mahal is in India, and Warden Pope is played by Stacy Keach, and Stacy Keach used to play Mike Hammer... What if Michael is going to get a special hammer to dig his way through the earth to India? So many clues... head... hurting... Despite the generous offer, Michael declines, much to the consternation of the warden. Afterwards, Michael has a meeting with Veronica (his lawyer, remember?) and tells her to find out who's trying to "bury" his brother.

At this point, the other storylines with the kid and the pot, Bishop McMorrow, and the mafia guys played out. Also, while in the yard, Michael notices his Loft magazine is still lodged perpendicular to the flow of the water in the drainage pipe. And lo! He also notices the magazine did its job and stopped the origami duck he released earlier up at the prison infirmary, when he was getting treated for the infected tattoo! Conclusion: Origami ducks are cute. After his experiment proved worthy, Micheal chatted it up with the resident old guy with an abnormal affinity for an animal. Every prison movie/show has one... This one was named Westmoreland and he had a cat named Marilyn. I'm not sure if any of that matters, but I thought I'd be thorough here since it's the premiere. While Michael was talking to Westmoreland, Andruzzi and his thugs decided they didn't like origami ducks and proceeded to beat the crap out of our handsome Michael. Conclusion: Origami ducks are not cute to evil henchmen. Damn you ducks, I'll figure you out yet! As a result of getting beaten up, the warden decides Michael will spend 90 days in "the shoe." But since Lincoln is scheduled to die much sooner, Michael pulls his trump card and promises to help Warden Pope with his popsicle stick Taj Mahal. Amazingly, this worked and spared him from solitary confinement. Slick.

At this point, the Bishop was sent to heaven by the aforementioned unseen assailant. When lawyer Veronica heard the news, she decided that Michael may actually be on to something and decided to probe further into Lincoln's situation. Back in prison, Sucre was enjoying a conjugal visit from his girlfriend who happily accepted his marriage proposal. They banged, he mentioned some concern about some guy named Hector and she left. I refuse to mention this lame storyline anymore - unless it becomes integral. 24 suffers from this same distracting problem too. Anyway, to wrap up the first hour, Dr. Tancredi has noticed that Michael's blood is reacting to his insulin shots as if he's not really a Type 1 diabetic but he hardly hears her as he's staring out the window scanning for what we can only assume are possible escape routes. He was listening, however, as he proved later when he asked the local "drug dealer" to procure him some insulin blocker drug. Also, Andruzzi agreed to get him onto the work detail - since he figured out that Michael and his ducks know where Fibannacci is. And for whatever reason, Fibannacci's location is the single most important thing in the world to Prison Break's mafia crew.

The first hour ended with Michael and Lincoln alone in a changing area while Lincoln continued to naysay the escape plan. Before Lincoln could get too down on the idea, Michael revealed one of the totally badass parts of his scheme. His entire upper torso is one giant, elaborate tattoo. But this isn't just any old tattoo... It contains the actual blueprints (as well as other clues) of the entire prison! Even with the help of the handy dandy graphics department (it was akin to the constellations which look like absolutely nothing at all - even after the planetarium guy clicks on the laser connect-the-dots), we viewers still couldn't see the patterns, but who cares - that shit was dope.

But that shit only marked the halfway point of the 2 hour premiere. Now that the background plots have all been laid down, I'm sure the second hour won't require as much recapping. Plus, if you didn't see the show (which is airing again later this week), you're still wondering about the title of the recap. Patience, people, patience. First, Michael needed to get cracking on the next phase of his plan: deciphering his tattoos. Even though he painstakingly designed them, he still needed to double check the name "Allen Schweitzer" in an upside down mirror and the numbers, 111211147. Are you writing these clues down? I hope so, because its shakedown time, and all contraband in each cell was about to be found. And wouldn't you know it, Michael's roommate had a shank which happened to be in Michael's hand as CO Bellick came sauntering by. Even more conveniently, Warden Pope was in tow and since he really needs his Taj Mahal built, he saw through the ruse and threw Sucre into "the shoe" for a couple weeks. Good, maybe we won't have to deal with his distracting dialog anymore.

Thanks to a quick flashback of Michael reviewing some prison specs and the number 11121147, we learned that that corresponded to a particular machine screw. Before we could wonder too long about this, Michael was out in the yard walking and feeling around underneath the bleachers. Unfortunately for him, these weren't just any old set of bleachers, these were the "Creepy sex offender child rapist stereotypical gay prisoner bleachers." I HATE when that happens... you go out for a day at the ballpark to catch the local minor league ballclub and before you know it, some wild eyed pedophile is all up in your face telling you to toss his salad. What I'm saying is, I felt for my boy Michael. The leader of the deviant gang was named Teabag. Yeah, that's right... this show somehow slipped the name Teabag past network sensors. And if you don't know why I find that funny, then you didn't get the "toss my salad" reference either and oh... you need to live a little. Come hang out at the TVgasm offices and you'll be tossing salads while teabagging before you know it. It's called "initiation."

Anyway, it turned out that not only was Teabag a rapist and sexually manipulative, he was also racist. While FOX accepted "Teabag," they didn't go for the N word so we are stuck with a season of hearing the derogatory term "rugheads." I guess I can live with that. Bottom line: Michael didn't get the screw from the bleacher that he needed and showing up to try again would be crazy since he'd have to deal with Teabag's creepy gang. But he needed that damn screw for some reason so the very next time out in the yard, he was back at it, slowly unscrewing the the thing. Tsk-tsk, nobody gets a screw without a Teabag in those parts, so although he did get it out, Michael was summarily beaten and his screw was taken by one of Teabag's minions. It was then that we learned this gang referred to themselves as "The Family." Hmmm, what other show on TV right now has a contemptible band of gay and gayish jerks with a name eerily similar to "The Family?"

Out in the free world, Veronica was busy poking around in an effort to make sense of what was going on - all the while making sure to look good while doing so. We learned that Lincoln's murder case was an open and shut one, with a clear motive and a murder weapon that was found at his house along with the victim's blood. Well, at least we know that Lincoln didn't live in Los Angeles, as that certainly wouldn't be enough to convict. All that was missing was a videotape of the actual murder... no sooner did I think that did a guy gave Veronica a surveillence tape of the actual murder being committed. I don't care how many origami ducks you butter up a jury with... it would be hard to convince them that Lincoln was innocent. However, Veronica visited Lincoln in an effort to set the record straight. According to him, it was all a set up and he did enter the garage with a gun but he was told that he'd be shooting a "scummy drug dealer," and that when he got to the car, the person in it was already dead. Riiiiight. Veronica left the prison in a huff.

Meanwhile, Michael was still fixated on that screw, even asking Andruzzi for help in getting it back. While engaged in this discussion, the singularly obsessed guard Bellick was sifting through Michael's cell. Just when it looked like he was about to quit in frustration, he noted a pad of paper with the telltale indentation of writing on it. So he used the old Bloodhound Gang pencil shading trick and was able to discern the words, "Allen Schweitzer, 111211147." Knowing he was on to something, Bellick tore off to begin dissecting the prison records and visitor logs. Instead of fixating on Michael, the guard should have been more aware of the rising tide of racial tension. The prison was gearing up for a full on race riot and no one seemed to notice. Shivs and makeshift knives were being passed around like Hepititis C and HIV. Shit was about to go DOWN.

Since Michael needed the screw from the "Hitler Youth" Teabag group but also needed his insulin blocking drugs from one of the black leaders, he was caught in the middle of the race war. In one scene, the drug dealer guy watched as Michael attempted to steal his screw back, got caught, and out of necessity, befriended the gay racist guys. Since they were more or less the leaders of the white power movement, this didn't sit well with the black contingent. Shoot, if there was ever a time for some goodwill origami, that time was now. Unfortunately, before Michael could fold even one piece of paper, the blacks ambushed him and knocked him around a bit. Uh-oh, this meant he wouldn't get his insulin blocker and that meant the hot Dr. Tancredi would realize he's not diabetic which meant that he couln't continue to hash out his elaborate escape plans. Arrrrrrgh!

Right now you're wondering, so what's up with the mafia guys? Good question, as Andruzzi was visited by a couple of corny-looking mobsters who essentially told him that he needed to get the information out of Michael as to Fibannacci's whereabouts using any means necessary. At this point, the white power guys hated Michael for pissing off Teabag, the blacks hated him for pissing off the drug dealer guy, the mafia guys hated him for withholding info on Fibannacci, his lawyer hated him for lying about Lincoln's case, the guard Bellick hated him for being just too damn handsome, and I'm sure Westmoreland's cat hated him too - but cats hate everyone, so that one doesn't count. (His nice little roommate, Sucre, was still stuck in solitary in case you forgot.) And also remember the blacks and whites were on the verge of war and ding-ding-ding, Leeeeeet's get ready to rumble! There's the bell and random white guy stabs random black guy and then everyone goes crazy, stabbing anyone of a different race - pretty grizzly primetime fare. The key during the fight was that Michael was able to steal his giant screw back from Teabag's boytoy who then promptly got murdered. So now Teabag REALLY hated Michael.

With all this excitement on the inside, which resulted in a 48 hour lockdown, the show then chose to focus on the outside. Veronica got the name of a kid named Crab Simmons and sought to find him. She approached Crab's mom and after asking her of his whereabouts, she was told that Crab was dead. Just then, we were shown a profile of a face peeking through the upstairs curtains at Veronica. "Hey, weren't you the bald chick in that Empire Records movie," the person screamed. I lied, the mystery person didn't say anything, but it was at that point in the show when I realized where I'd seen Robin Tunney the actress before. But the mystery person did contact Veronica and convinced her to meet.

Leticia Brown was the mysterious window watcher and while appearing to be a meth addict jonesing for a hit, she had some very compelling information for Veronica. Crab Simmons was her brother (I think) and Leticia knew that both Crab and Lincoln Burroughs were innocent pawns in a much bigger game. Her intense paranoia was a bit disconcerting as she kept noting that "they" were never far away and that they had to be super careful from here on out. Veronica thought it was all a bunch of hooey, but as the camera pulled away, there were those two prick Secret Service guys eating hotdogs with wires in their ears. As if we didn't have enough to keep track of, the next scene was of a bucolic house in Blackfoot, Montana where an older well-to-do woman was busy chopping garlic. The same Secret Service guys were on the phone with her explaining the situation with Veronica snooping around. The old lady responded, "Anyone that's a threat to what we're doing is expendable." Wow, she's a regular Mother Angelica.

OK, the premiere came to a close back in prison where Michael, now with the screw and with 48 hours worth of lockdown to deal with, was busy scraping the giant screw on the cement floor of his cell. Was he fashioning a shiv of his own? Was he making skates for his origami ducks to cruise around on? No... he was shaving down the end of the quarter inch diameter screw into a hexagonal shape. In fact, one could call it an allen wrench. But for what? The Schweitzer toilets installed in each cell perhaps? That's right, "Allen Schweitzer" was an allen wrench for the Schweitzer toilet mounting bracket which, when removed, could facilitate an escape. Bravo, Prison Break... it's so rare to have an actual clever moment on network TV, bravo. Also, after the lockdown was over, the black drug dealer guy gave Michael the drugs he needed just before his weekly checkup. Amazingly, the insulin blockers worked their magic immediately, so he'll be able to continue to visit the infirmary under the guise of being diabetic. Boy, I wish I knew that trick during the wrestling portion of gym class back in the day.

Michael's little victories were interrupted the next day out in the yard when Andruzzi and his gang cornered Michael in one of those hidden-away sheds with sharp garden implements that every prison has. Andruzzi was pissed and needed to know where Fibonacci was hiding out. In order to get this information from him, Andruzzi's thugs took off Michael's shoe and clamped a set of mean-looking loppers onto his pinky toe. If he wouldn't give up the info, they'd chop off his little toe. It wasn't quite Chase cutting his hand off a couple 24's ago, but damn... this was still pretty badass.

Needless to say, Michael's little piggy won't be going to any markets again. What did you think of the premiere? Was it as good as it was billed? Who was the old lady in Montana? Why was that kid named Crab? What other questions do you have?

Posted by at 3:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (28)

By EdHill

You know, I'm not even sure where to begin this week. To be honest, after finding out the truth about what went on behind camera (or in some cases, in front of the camera but never aired) on Kill Reality it kind of makes watching people whack potato chip bags around seem kind of dull. For those of you who aren't aware, I am referring of course to the article from Radar magazine mentioned here yesterday in which it describes the off-screen antics of our reality stars. Specifically Trishelle's propensity for golden showers and Tonya's urge to have people do lines of coke off her genitals (thus providing once and for all the answer we've all asked ourselves at one time or another: can you get chlamydia from snorting coke off a woman's hooch? Yes. Yes you can). Why can't I be reviewing that show? Instead I get the coked-up, urine-stained whores just getting drunk and creating fake arguments for the camera.  Ah well, when life gives you lemons... Hey did I mention people fling poo this episode? Well, they do.

We start this week with the two Jennas making their bid for screen time by thinking of wacky pranks to pull on Tonya. What they come up with is spiking her drink with colon cleanser and switching her birth control pills with something else. None of this is even the least bit funny of course. It's like watching a Jenna Elfman sitcom. During the entire "colon cleanser" episode, the "producer" Rob comes up and says that he "advises against" them doing it. At this point in the show they aren't even pretending to be serious about making a movie. I just don't see Hitchcock telling Grace Kelly to not use the colon cleanser on Jimmy Stewart. Kelly was all about giving dutch ovens anyway.
 
Once the two Jennas finish their shtick, we get a new visitor to the show. It's Trishelle's good friend Katie from Road Rules. She is referred to by producer as the "brunette Tonya." Gosh, I wonder what bodily fluid she likes getting doused in? Well, whichever one it is, we know for sure right away whose bodily fluids she's familiar with. Jonny Fairplay's. Yep, he nailed her too. This of course led to bad blood between Tonya and Katie. But not really. Since Katie went off on Tonya the minute she arrived, no one can even attempt to keep a straight face with all this fake arguing. Soon enough Tonya storms out of the house and tells Jonny he can either stay or leave with her. He decides to stay and Katie proceeds to get absolutely trashed beyond recognition (one thing we know the cast house has plenty of is booze). The show turns into an endless barrage of slurred Katie rantings, accompanied by a voiceover from Trishelle where she says she thinks Katie is a perfect fit for Jonny because she's "classy, intelligent, and smart." That's good, because I hate people who are smart but not really intelligent. And the people that are intelligent but not smart are just losers. But the best part of that snippet is that as Trishelle is saying it, it is intercut with images of drunk Katie belching, slurring and flat-out falling on her ass. And just when I thought I was going to hate her as much as the rest of these losers, she starts punching Jonny Fairplay. A lot. This made me happy. Jonny reacts to this by going into "sad mode" where he gets the hurt look on his face as he's being pummeled by a drunk woman who is 5'4". 

"If she was any other person on the world, I probably would have punched her," says Mr. Fairplay. Since Jonny weighs about 90 pounds, I sincerely doubted the veracity of that statement. It's also worth mentioning that all throughout the episode he is wearing a trucker cap. You know, the kind that Ashton Kutcher thinks are cool. This doesn't surprise me in the least.  So after about ten minutes of Katie wandering the grounds punching, cursing, and just ruining the otherwise sterling reputation of Road Rules, things finally start to settle down. Katie, Jonny and Trishelle move upstairs to the main bedroom where things get intimate. Kind of.  Now that Jonny finally decides to "make his move" on the woman whose alcohol level is .84, the best line he comes up with is "Do you want to watch a movie to go to sleep to?" Even Trishelle, who is one week away from doing a homeless midget gang bang, thinks that's a lame come-on, since Katie is a) drunk, and b) a slut. No lines needed my friend. (Other than "tell me when you're about to puke." Don't forget that one. Trust me.)  Katie isn't happy with the line either, expressing her dismay by saying "stop being a f--king f-gg-t." This is where I usually ask a girl if she kisses her mom with that mouth, but since we're in a house populated with pee-drinking coke heads, this is actually quite mild. Although I'm sure somewhere "gay icon" Reichen felt a disturbance in the gay force.
 

If only we knew what she's saying. Damn you censors!

Something tells me this isn't the last blurred-out object she shoves down her throat.

The next morning we are treated to something to wash this nastiness out of our mouths. Big Brother Girls!! Namely Lori and Diane. It's always nice to see Lori, as she is hot and was evicted way too early from the game. Diane however is the same snaggletoothed, whiny-voiced loser. Except now she died her hair black. We also get a bit with those losers Jonathan and Victoria from the Amazing Race. Jonathan's claim to fame of course was beating his wife. So we now get yet another round of fake arguments for screen time as Jonathan tries to create a stir. The WWE is more credible than this crap. Man, times like this I wonder why I watch reality TV. I mean there's a whole big beautiful world out there I could be exploring. Art, literature, history, music. Maybe I should just stop watching this crap and read the collected works of H.L. Mencken? Ahh, who am I kidding, Trishelle likes to get peed on! Who can't love that??
 
Also on the beach this day is super gay Reichen who is lusting after his stunt double to the point of creepy weirdness. Mouthing "you're hot" when he's not looking, smelling his fingers after they shake hands, even getting extra lispy when he talks about him. Gosh, Reichen, I can't imagine why you haven't landed a job as a soap opera hunk yet.
 
That night, the producers bring everyone together to show them a trailer that they cut from the existing footage to get everyone excited. Everyone gathers around the couch and sits in rapt attention. They all love it. They think it looks great! Of course they love it, they are all idiots. In reality, it's shit. It looks like what it is: a bunch of coked-up drunks running around in front of a camera with no purpose. But what do you expect from the director of of Girls Gone Wild: Spring Break, Anything Goes! (yes, I looked it up)? While Jenna goes upstairs and pouts because she wasn't in their stupid trailer, Jonny is having trouble deciding which girl he wants. Tonya or Katie. Everyone's very concerned for "Fairplay" as they oftentimes call him. The man's name is Jon Dalton, people. He's a hick from Virginia. Either you stop calling him Fairplay, or you start calling Trishelle "Trashelle" and Tonya "Coke Whore." It's not fair to the rest of them. Jonny says he likes Katie but not when she's drunk (referring of course to the hours between 6 AM and 10 AM). So it looks like he's deciding on Tonya. Producer Rob says he should stay away from both of them, but he's clearly sober so everyone tells him to shut up.
 
Back on the set, they are shooting Jenna's death scene. It involves her falling down a hole and not much else. After about 15 botched takes she finally does it and you'd think they just yelled cut after Brando's On The Waterfront speech. Everyone's clapping and cheering, and Steve the Producer says he can't wait to use her in his next movie because she just "knocked it out of the park." Knowing the shady aspect of the producers and directors of this "movie" I'm sure that means we can expect to see Jenna in " Moulin Splooge 2" or "Romancing the Bone 4" any day now.  Which dovetails nicely with what happens next as she has to do a voiceover sex scene with Johnny Fairplay and the girl talks dirty. Shes a dirty, dirty girl. 
 
Over on the Tonya front, she marches back into the house with her "boyfriend" in tow, and Jonny gets upset and storms out and yadda yadda yadda. Who cares? Its all so over-the-top-phony it's not even entertaining. At least it wasn't until they started throwing feces at each other. That's right, not to be outdone by urine-guzzling Trishelle, porn star Jenna finds out about the "Upper Decker" from last week's episode and decides to get a cup full of poopy water and leave it on Jonny's bed in another lame attempt at a prank. Jonny comes in drunk and hurls it over the railing to the delight of all below. Hep C for everyone!  It's actually quite an artistic masterstroke to end the show with this image. I mean what better metaphor do you need to describe this disaster of a show than a shower of human shit.
 
H.L. Mencken ain't looking to bad right now. Maybe I can borrow my brother's library card...

Posted by at 2:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (16)

I know that I have been telling people that The 4400 is one of the best shows on television, but with my spotty-at-best attention to the recaps, it is sometimes hard to tell just how much I like this show. But take it from the people who wait for my Smallville recaps during the regular season - you always hurt the ones you love. This second season has focused the majority of its time on exploring the reasons why the 4400 were sent to earth. Truth be told, we really didn't get a lot of new information regarding that little question, but a whole lot of people spent time trying to figure it out anyway. There are a lot of things to learn for both the people who came back and the inhabitants of the world they are supposed to save, and lately, we've been left wondering if they'll destroy each other before anybody has a chance to do any good.

I wrote last time that Lily let Brian take Isabelle with him, and wondered how that could be a good idea. Well, it turns out that Lily left as well, which sort of makes sense since they are trying to keep things a secret. If Brian had just showed up with a baby at his house, things would have seemed slightly suspicious, no? Lily actually left with Isabelle, and Brian put them up in a vacation house. Like any father, Richard is quite upset that his baby was taken from him, even though he knows his wife was only trying to protect her. And to be honest, no mother wants to sit and wait in a safe house until somebody comes and knocks down the door. And even if her resolution to the problem is essentially sitting in a safe house and waiting for somebody to knock down the door, at least she can pretend it is more safe.

Although Lily wants to stay as far away as possible, it looks like she might not have a choice. She suddenly notices that she has that 4400 rash on her arm, and taking a look in the mirror, she notices it has spread all over her body. She quickly calls 911 to get an ambulance, but when she looks in the mirror again, the disease isn't there anymore. What could have happened? We take one look over at Isabelle, giggling to herself, knowing that she is driving her mommy crazy. On the other hand, it may just be some she has some gas. I tell you what, if she is going to save the world, she better find a way to grow up fast, because there is just no way you can be an effective leader when you can't wipe your own ass.

NTAC has been busy rounding up the remaining 4400 that haven't reported back to quarantine. Even though Diana and Tom know that it was the government that made the 4400 sick, they still don't quite know what they are going to do with the information. As Diana said, it would have been very hard for Dr. Hudson and three of his medical staff to conspire to create this promycin inhibitor that makes the 4400 sick and proceed to inject it into every 4400 known to man. That type of stuff needs approvals, and it's very likely that many of the people that Diana and Tom used to trust at NTAC are part of the conspiracy.

Whatever Diana and Tom are going to do, they are going to have to make it quick. 4400s are beginning to die from the disease. When they hear this information, they immediately begin to think about their loved ones. When they go to visit them in quarantine, it is not looking good for either. Maia isn't awake, and Alana's condition has deteriorated so far that she no longer recognizes Tom. Drastic times call for drastic measures, and so Diana enters Dr. Hudson's office and puts a gun to his head. I've always said you get more done with a direct approach, don't you agree?

The direct approach worked and they soon discovered a little more of the story. One of the first 4400 to be recognized with unusual powers was Orson Bailey (yes, we love you Michael Moriarity), who used telekinesis to damage a lot of things, even when he wasn't aware of what he was doing. By studying Mr. Bailey, Hudson found that his brain was producing a neurotransmitter, promycin, that is not present in normal humans. At the time, a 4400 had used his powers to avoid detection as a serial killer and it was determined that somebody must find a way to block promycin. Dr. Hudson found a way, and, as expected, blocking the promycin prevented many 4400s from gaining powers, and it was decided that every 4400 must take it in order for safety, and the word was spread around the world. Now it turns out it is killing them, and Dr. Hudson would like to work on a cure, so please take the gun away from his head, thank you very much.

Now they know what is going on, but they need to find some sort of documentation on the project or all of their accusations won't mean a thing. The order to inject the 4400 came from very high up, and without proof, Diana and Tom will get exactly nowhere. Armed with a little more information, they go back to Birckhoff and Matthew. Birckhoff believes that he can make an antidote, but he is going to need a 4400 who hasn't been exposed in order to make it, and we don't know if a pure 4400 even exists.

Actually, that pure 4400 does exist, except it is Isabelle. When Birckhoff goes to the Seattle safe house to do some work, Richard knows that Isabelle hasn't been injected, but he doesn't know where Lily is, and with news of safe houses being raided all over the place, his reign as leader isn't exactly one for the ages. Luckily for Richared, Isabelle kind of senses that she needs to get back as soon as possible, and she's going to accomplish that by making her mom crazy. This time, when Brian comes home with some food, he starts to make a pass on Lily, who slaps him. She punches her, and she reaches for a knife to protect herself, but kills him in the process. She doesn't know what to do, but she hears her phone ring and it is Brian!? on the other line?! She turns around, and wouldn't you know, there is no body, just Isabelle with that wicked grin on her face. Eventually, Brian comes home, and Lily pulls a gun and tells him to stay away. She is screaming at him to stop, but when she looks back, the only person there is Shawn and he is asking if she wants them all to die. God, Isabelle is just cruel! Brian hears Lily scream, for real this time, and when he gets in, she tells him that she needs to get back.

One of the miracles of the season was how Kyle Baldwin was saved from a prison sentence when the focus of the investigation centered around another person who had a slight resemblance to Kyle. It had everybody believing that Kyle was innocent, except for Kyle. He knew that he wasn't himself when he did those things, but at the same time his conscience wouldn't let somebody else go to jail for life for a crime he did not commit. He feels so bad, he starts to write a confession. In a twist that shouldn't surprise us at all, we learn that Ryland was responsible for Kyle getting off the hook. When Kyle was removed from quarantine, Ryland had him followed. He knew about the blackouts, the gun, and the assassination, but the only thing he did in response was to take some pictures in order to get some leverage on Tom. When Tom finds this out, he realizes that the two of them may no longer be on the same side.

The search for answers still goes on. Tom and Diana have tried getting help from a number of people, but everybody is reluctant to help them out. Of the people they asked, Dr. Hudson was most cooperative, but he shot himself (or maybe Ryland had him shot). The only thing left is a piece of paper that tells them they should search for information about Firewall. The big problem with this plan of attack is that, unfortunately, this is the government; how in the hell are they going to find a paper record on anything? Things are shredded almost immediately and "this message will self-destruct after ten seconds" is to be expected. Luckily, this is the government and no big bureaucrat actually does any work for themselves, so there must have been some secretary somewhere who was good at dictation.

Wouldn't you know it? Ryland had a secretary, and she happened to retire around the same time all of this was going on, and she very conveniently decided to stay in the Seattle area after her exit. When Tom and Diana go to visit June, she tells them the whole story, and even more conveniently, she saved a copy of the Firewall memo and has been holding onto it ever since she left. She could have saved a lot of people a lot of trouble if she had just blown the whistle when it happened, because it obviously bothered her enough to leave after working for Ryland for over 20 years, but I guess it's better late than never.

If anybody is going to do anything, it is going to have to be pretty quick. Ryland was able to bribe one of the sick 4400s to get the location of the main safe house. The conditions were really horrible, and somebody was seen throwing Jordan Collier's book on the ground, and Dave Matthews Band was pumping non-stop, driving everybody insane. OK, I am stretching the truth a little on the last one, but Dave Matthews would be torture for me. Thanks to some quick work by Birckhoff (and I know this guy is a genius, but he still seems like he should be in a mental hospital), he was able to make an antidote for the promycin inhibitor using Isabelle's blood. Only problem being that she is a baby, so they could only extract enough out of her for one dose. They do have one thing working on their side, however, and that is Shawn. Matthew sneaks the serum to Diana, who is able to sneak it into quarantine with Shawn, who, while still a tad woozy, is able to go healin' up a storm.

Is it me, or does this serum look like nothing more than Mountain Dew?

Earlier, Tom had confronted Kyle about what NTAC knew, and told him he has to get on a plane. Kyle refused, and said he wanted to turn himself in. He later learns what's at stake, and the choice is even easier for him now. He'll turn himself in and do his time. His dad may not be happy about it, but in a way, it just might make him more proud. The important part of all of this, besides, you know, keeping an innocent person of off death row, is that Ryland has no leverage on Tom anymore, so when Tom starts making some noise Ryland has to listen. And even though Dennis (who has been quite the menace) doesn't think this is a good idea, he knows that there is about to be a big media circus, and knocking down the safe house is probably not in his best interest. He calls off the police and NTAC officers, and Tom lets everybody know that they can now go home.

Dennis Ryland has always been a bit of a close talker.

But first!

Cue the eerie clairvoyant 9-year-old. Maia walks in and tells us it's not finished - it's just starting. What is starting? The war, of course, the war. Wow, that's going to be one cliffhanger for next season, right? Show some clips of Rlyand and cronies getting arrested, show Nina Jarvis getting her job back, we'll just ride off wondering what is going to happen next year.

Well, that wasn't quite enough. Before Kyle confesses, he sees Shawn and tells him that he killed Jordan. Shawn is obviously very upset, and when Kyle tells him he wasn't himself and the people who have this big plan for the 4400 were also the bastards who had him kill Collier, Shawn decides to take matters into his own hands. He starts his healing thing, and whatever that presence inside of Kyle was, it didn't like it. See, Shawn's power heals you when you are damaged, but if you are alive, it does just the opposite. Shawn gets it out of Kyle before Kyle dies, there is a big explosion AND! Kyle goes home and then confesses. If only he had been more honest with the people he loved, maybe none of this would have happened. Oh, and he also could have avoided snowballing with Shawn.

This would be plenty to have me on the edge of my seat, but then we got a bunch of teasers that were just cruel. First, we see Birckhoff start to shoot up some of the serum, which is pure promycin. Since promycin is the neurotransmitter that the 4400 have, maybe he'll get a power by injecting it, right? And he'll be able to study himself? It worked really well for Bruce Banner, so why not? But I am hoping they make him a crazy addict next year who turns into a 4400 vampire in order to get the promycin directly from their blood. That would be sweet, but was not close to the most exciting thing that happened.

Lily, who I agree with the people is just really dumb and whiny these days, notices Isabelle is missing from her crib. Not to worry though, because she shows up in Shawn's office...and she is fully grown?! Whoa! Not expecting that. Looking at her ass was much better than when we accidentally got a little bit of Collier's butt when he was banging that rocker. And speaking of Collier, did I mention that he showed up on an island somewhere, looking all Tom Hanks "Cast Away"-style? I KNEW that something was up when his body was missing. I wonder if he'll get back in time to save Kyle from becoming somebody's girlfriend? Oh, did I mention that Richard has an ability now? He can move things with his mind! WTF! This is way too much to pile on to me and then force me to wait another 10 months for any resolution. Damn you!

Hubba, hubba.

What did you think about the twists at the end? What do they mean for next season?

Posted by at 11:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Last week, when I opted to spend Tuesday night leering at the Real World: Austin cast live and in person, I thought for sure the readers would be forgiving about my recap tardiness. But alas, when pretty Abercrombie models spend a half an hour acting dumb, it's hard to hold off the masses with just a few grainy photos and personal observations. And so here we are, nearly a week later, and finally a recap. No more stalling. Let's dive in!

The episode began with the kiddos pouring out of the front door like slowly dripping ooze. It was time to hit the town (The Dizzy Rooster, perhaps?) and as the chipper clan of merrymakers (or stupidmakers, depending on the topic of conversation) strolled through the murky streets of Austin, we learned a storm was brewing between our two favorite paradigms of self-delusion: Wes and Johanna. You see, they weren't talking to each other any more in the wake of last episode's monumental fight, which, as you may remember, was about nothing. Literally. Okay, okay. It was about something. Basically, Wes had accused Johanna of being a cocktease, and Johanna had accused Wes of being, well, some inaudible slurring sound. A "blirshlirish" perhaps? Nevertheless, this epic rift somehow remained intact, despite the usually enlightening effect of sobriety, which leads me to believe these two a) are kind of immature; b) still haven't sobered up; or c) all of the above.

Anyway, everyone arrived at The Dizzy Rooster (of course), and almost immediately, we shifted to the lovely Mel who was talking with her friend, TJ. This Real World dayplayer shared an utterly fascinating account of his latest fight with his girlfriend, a story which immediately caused Melinda to pine after Danny yet again. Then again, anything makes Melinda think about Danny. A bum chasing a plastic bag could probably send Melinda's heart aflutter.

Back at the house, DannyFest 2005 continued as Melinda announced she was going to spray her sheets with his cologne, which I'll assume was imitation Axe Body Spray. Either that, or Febreeze. And in case you're wondering, Danny had actually given Melinda permission to shroud her linens 'n' things in his scent. Still no word though on whether or not she could stop calling him "Yahweh."

Continuing her lunacy, Melinda then brought a small picture of Danny out to the kitchen and propped it up near the spoonful of mac & cheese that constituted her dinner. "He's like eating with us!" she cooed. Except, well, I'm pretty sure Danny's taller than three inches. And three-dimensional. And, you know, not a photograph.

We then saw a closeup of this Danny photo as the girls observed how happy he looked. I personally was more taken by the random English muffin in his hand. Does he often carry those around?

Danny's got some girls, his hat, and an English muffin. Who could ask for anything else?

Anyway, let's just move on before I get caught up in a tangental discussion of English muffins (and believe me, it was about to happen. You don't even want to know about the paragraph I just deleted). The next day, the roommates busted out their spiffy video camera and taped each other as part of a documentary exercise. We first watched Melinda's wonderful camerawork as she zoomed in (and I mean zoooooomed in) on Johanna's eye. Wow. So bold. So artistic. So amateurish. Somebody call Current TV! We got a new pod!!

Meanwhile, Wes announced that he wanted to film Lacey in the closet. Um, okay. Didn't really make sense, but hey, we'll go with it. Lacey was actually fine with it too, but she did note, "I don't want them to think I'm gay." Hmmm... Virgin? Short hair? She does have a point. Eh, but we all know Wes is the closeted one, so I wouldn't worry too much, Lace. Actually, Wes wanted to be filmed in his natural environment. "So Nehemiah should be doing me in the bar?" he suggested. Oh Wes. You make it so easy.

Eventually, Lacey paired off with Rachel and the two followed in film auteur Melinda's footsteps by making excessive use of the zoom function. Needless to say, as stimulating as it was to gaze upon Rachel's earlobe (and mouth. And eye. And hair), I think I would have settled for an old-fashioned medium shot. Lacey did explain the method to her madness: "I wanted to interview Rachel because Rachel's so loud." Yes, as evidenced by this FRECKLE ON HER NECK.

Executives at Current now have an erection.

Later, after we also glimpsed some of the breathtaking video work of Wes and Nehemiah, the roomies all headed to U of T to meet with their salt-and-pepper-haired advisor, "Steck." Things were awkward at first as the Steck-meister said, "PJ and Jenn told me that Danny's mother-- He hasn't had a very good month." It's okay, Steck. You can say "DIED." No need to patronize with massive understatements.

Johanna -- fresh from Real World: Iditarod.

Anyway, after Steck was done making awkward comments, he introduced us to some bearded guy whose career aspirations probably include "Jason Lee's best friend." I honestly didn't write down his name because I thought we'd never see him again, but alas, he actually returned to the Real World house with the kids (I know. I didn't think ugly people were allowed in either) and revealed a secret room in the compound. Yes, this was the most exciting thing to happen since Rachel stumbled upon the gold room in Big Brother 6. Turns out the mansion came with a fully equipped editing room featuring Avid systems, various glossy monitors, and -- wait for it -- color coded folders. AWESOME!

The bearded guy then asked the group, "Who's had experience editing?" causing Rachel to reply, "I've made numerous iMovies." WELL. Let's just hand over the Oscar right now. Actually, to Rachel's credit, she does have quite the oeuvre when it comes to iMovies. Her trilogy on cotton candy ice cream was nothing short of pure cinematic brilliance.

Anyway, the segment ended, and we knew the ugly person had finally left the Real World confines because we were treated to cheery images of squirrels and birds cavorting in the magical Smurftown that is Austin. And speaking of Smurfs, the cast's resident Smurfette was on the phone, talking to the exotically named Marcel. You see, Marcel was coming to visit and -- HOLY SHIT! Look who's back! It's Daaaaannny! Yes, as Melinda chatted on the phone, she saw her main man on the security monitor walking up to the door. And amazingly, he wasn't complaining about anything. Melinda immediately smiled with excitement, told Marcel to hold on, and then bounded out of the phone room like a gazelle.

Downstairs (and after the commercial break), Mel latched onto Danny, not unlike the extraterrestrial organism in Alien. The two embraced for several moments; although, Mel was not so overwhelmed as to have put down her yogurt. Sadly, Danny's pet English Muffin was nowhere to be seen. Too bad. Really could have been a snack-filled hug.

By the way, Marcel's still waiting. Might want to wrap this up, Melinda. (Cut to a confused Marcel on the phone: "Hello? Hello? Melinda?")

After Danny escaped from the tentacles of his girlfriend, the rest of the roommates welcomed him back. They even showed Danny the new editing suite, but of course, the prima donna had something negative to say; basically, he was afraid of computers. "I'm just scared I'm gonna blow it up," he said. Yeah, because that always happens to computers. Maybe if you jam a stick of dynamite in the disk drive...

Of course, the editing room has fast become my favorite space in the house, if only because of the silliness that pours forth from inside it. This time we got to see some of Nehemiah's footage of Wes, and to be honest, I had high hopes. After all, Nehemiah has expressed interest in becoming a music video director and had even gone to college for it. But what did we see? A page wipe. YES, a page wipe. For those of you not familiar with rudimentary wedding video techniques, the page wipe is that oh-so-classy transition where the current image peels away as if you'd magically turned, you guessed it, a page. Move over David LaChapelle and Sophie Muller. Nehemiah's in town now!

Unsurprisingly, it was only a matter of minutes before Danny had booze on his mind. "So what's the deal with tonight?" he asked. I don't know. Let's ask Wes: "I want to go to The Dizzy Rooster." OF COURSE. The only thing more reliable than the roomies' insatiable lust for The Dizzy Rooster is Danny's undying love affair with short-brimmed caps.

There was some boring discussion about whether or not this would be a group activity or boy's night out and blah blah blah, now Danny was suddenly debating whether or not to get back together with Melinda. Yeah, I didn't care either, but since this sort of stuff passes for drama these days, we had to watch our grumpy Bostonian ponder this existential dilemma. Ultimately, he opted to keep his distance, making for one of the most awkward Dizzy Rooster nights EVER. All the boys stayed at one table and all the girls stayed at another. Meanwhile, Rachel was raring to have fun. "Will you make me my special drink when you get a chance?" she asked the bartender sweetly. Her special drink, eh? Let me guess: Cotton Candy Vodka. In an envelope.

After Danny's bitchiness had sufficiently made the evening completely uncomfortable for everyone, Melinda finally approached him and pleasantly asked "Is something bothering you?" Danny merely shook his head no, not even making eye contact. Yes, nothing was bothering Danny, as evidenced by his STONY SILENCE. Shut up, Whitney Houston.

Sensing that they were no longer welcome, the girls headed off to another bar where they drowned their sorrows with several shots of tequila. Uh oh. This was gonna be trouble. Sure enough, as everyone returned to the house, the fights started up. Johanna proudly declared, "I drink a lot! I'm an alcoholic!!" and then another fight broke out between her and Wes. Honestly, I don't remember what it was about, but I'll just assume it was stupid. At the very least though, they did make up by the end of the episode, thus bringing an end to that two-week no-speaking probation that had had us all fearing the demise of this twosome.

As for Melinda, well, she was passed out. Wearing his PJs AND his cap (what is he hiding under there anyway?), Danny suddenly realized that he should maybe drop that attitude and help out his girlfriend. He poked and prodded her a few times before carrying her exposed butt to the toilet into which she liberally vomited. "Thank you so much!" she managed to coo in between gags. I was confused. Was she thanking him for holding her hair back, or thanking him for being such an asshole that she had to go drink her broken heart away?

"Seeing her in that much trouble makes me realize how much I love her," said Danny in an interview. Yes, there's really nothing more romantic than copious amounts of vomit spewing forth from a girl. I can't tell you how many times I've fallen in love with food-poisoned women.

The next day, we knew order had been restored because we cut away to some pleasant images of swans. Awww... Danny and his girl appeared happy together yet again, and Melinda made the salient point that Danny seemed to be grieving the wrong way. We then watched the guy beat himself up once again as he cried that he should have been home, not in Austin. Melinda stroked his head and told him he couldn't blame himself anymore, but alas, Danny simply stared off with tears running down his cheeks. And with that, the show ended. Hey, what about the swans??

What did you think about the show?

Posted by at 6:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (27)

• Charlize Theron to star in five episodes of Arrested Development. Mystic Tanning supplies reportedly arriving at the set by the truckload. [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]


• Ralph Macchio has inked a deal with The N to be the creator of a new teen drama about two runaway girls. The series remains untitled, but we'd like to suggest, "Ralph H. Macchio's Girls on the Run," "Girls Will Be Girls, By Ralph Macchio" or simply "Ralph." [PR Newswire]


• The Improv Olympic marks its 25th anniversary. Yay! [AP]


• Prison Break wins big for Fox. Just goes to show, people LOVE popsicle stick Taj Mahals![Hollywood Reporter]


• The New York Times continues its rabid fixation with all things Laguna Beach. [New York Times]

Posted by at 12:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

After a bit of verbal fisticuffs, Carlito announces his surprise second guest, none other than Chris Masters, whom HBK is scheduled to compete against later tonight. Unfortunately, Masters' pyrotechnics don't work during his entrance, and it's all downhill from there. In the ring, the two team up on HBK, who's eventually saved by the giant sweat gland known as Ric Flair. WOOOO!!!

After the break, Carlito and Masters are complaining to general manager Eric Bischoff about what just happened. "I think I have a solution," says Bischoff. To which Carlito responds, "Alright then, solute the problem." Evidently, mangling the English language is cool. Bischoff then puts Carlito and Masters in a tag match against Flair and HBK. That's not cool.

Time for a Handicap Match between the Big Show and two guys who lost a bet, Steve Madison and Buck Quartermain. (Personally, I think Quartermain came up with his name using the "What's Your Porn Name?" technique, when you combine your middle name with the name of the street you grew up on. For the record, mine is Edward Wymore.) In the words of JR, the Big Show was "tossing bodies around like they were double-meat cheeseburgers." (Yeah, I don't know what it means either.)

Ooh, look, it's the RAW Divas, Tori Wilson and that Candice chick from the GoDaddy commercial. They want to apologize to Ashley, the newest Diva, for the beatdown they gave her last week. Ashley comes out and... Ah, who gives a crap.

Looks like Larry the Cable Guy is going to be joining the RAW roster soon. Oh wait, that's just Murdoch, one-half of the WWE's newest stereotypes, Cade and Murdoch. This is bad. A styrofoam cup of Skoal juice has more charisma than these two. The only thing to look forward to here is that Murdoch also happens to be the Deliverance-rapist, and the WWE just hasn't had enough Deliverance-rape lately.

Uh-oh, one of the WWE interns has grabbed a microphone and interrupts Edge during a heartfelt sing-a-long of Kumbaya. Wait, those aren't just some random hippies with Edge, it's Alter Bridge, the band who performs his new theme song. Edge goes on to do a lame promo for tonight's "Street Fight" with Matt Hardy. Not to be outdone, Matt Hardy and Lita follow up with an even lamer promo for tonight's Street Fight. "You can go to Hell," Lita tells Matt, who, channeling the spirit of Ben Affleck, tells her, "Oh, I'll go to Hell. But I'm not going alone. I'm taking Edge with me." This begs the question, which is faker: Matt Hardy/Ben Affleck's acting or Lita's boobs/camel toe? Discuss.

A random tech guy is seen running into HBK's locker room. What's wrong? It's Ric Flair! He's been mauled by a killer rabbit! With big pointy teeth! Actually, he's just been attacked by unknown assailants. I like the killer rabbit story better, though. Why did the random tech guy run and grab HBK? Weren't there any EMTs hanging around backstage? Maybe he get confused by the three letters: EMT? HBK? Fortunately, the real EMTs soon show up, only to pronounce Flair DOA.

After watching the Street Fight between Edge and Matt Hardy v6.9, I take back all the jokes I've made about them over the past few weeks. This was a fun match. For the uninitiated, in a Street Fight, there are no rules. Just right. (Tonight's Street Fight brought to you by Outback Steakhouse.) This means you can use anything you want to attack your opponent. Tonight's items included: a trash can lid, trash can, kendo stick/Singapore cane, steel chair, steel ladder, steel steps, steel magnolias and, eventually, the electronics table and about 400 kajillion megagigawatts of electricity. JR calls the match "legalized mayhem" adding, "these two men, if they're not in Hell, they're at the city limits." The Coach points out that technically, Hell is more of a kingdom than a city, and that JR should have said "they're at the kingdom limits" but then realizes how gay that sounds and shuts up.

The champion, John Cena, is on next. "You can't see me" is one of Cena's catchphrases. Tonight, I only wish that were true as he trots out a totally lame Geico joke and a prolonged "Difference between men and women" routine. (Women pee sitting down! Men pee standing up! Except Kurt Angle, who squats to pee and carries a purse! Like a woman!) After my totally fabricated segue, Cena calls out Kurt Angle, the number one contender for the title. Angle is sporting a new "American by Birth, Angry by Choice" shirt soon available at all Oklahoma Neiman Marcus locations. The crowd starts calling Angle an asshole, which, for some reason, SpikeTV doesn't bleep out until the third chant. Angle won't take Cena's challenge though, so Cena ups the ante, reminding Kurt of how he'd attacked Cena when he wasn't looking last week. "I know you like hitting guys from behind," Cena says, before turning around and shaking his ass at Kurt. "I'm just gonna put that vibe out there." At this Angle finally bumrushes the ring (get it? bum?), but is pulled back by security before he can do any damage.

Tyson "The Problem Solver" Tomko is in a match against Rosie, who holds the tag team title with his superhero partner, The Hurricane. If Tyson really wants to live up to his name, perhaps he should try solving the problem of his underdeveloped lower body. This guy looks like what you'd get if you stuck Lou Ferrigno's torso on Karen Carpenter's present-day legs. Stephen Hawkins' legs have better definition. Tomko wins when he knocks out Rosie.

Finally, it's time for tonight's main event: HBK versus Carlito and Chris Masters. Of course, a Chris Masters match can only mean one thing: another chance for Coach to proclaim his undying love for The Masterpiece. This time, Masters' pyrotechnics go off without a hitch as he makes his way toward the ring. And I must say if the fireworks were half as impressive as Coach's orgasm, then Chris Masters is a lucky man indeed.

No explanation was given as to why HBK wasn't allowed to choose a new partner for this match, after Flair was sent to the hospital, although I'm guessing it's because that might have ruined the "big surprise" when Flair came back during the match to save HBK's bacon. (Flair's return was about as surprising as a Chenbot malfunction: you know it's coming, the only question is when.) Too bad the self-proclaimed "Dirtiest Player in the Game" didn't use a cheap nut shot on Masters when he had the chance, because Masters locked him in the Masterlock to pick up the victory. That's not cool.

So what did you think of tonight's show? Was it cool?

Posted by at 9:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's... a Super Kaysar Fan! Yes, another message has flown over the Big Brother house. TVgasm reader Spotdog just caught a glimpse of a plane carrying a banner which read "KAYSAR — MOST LOVED IN BB HISTORY".

Spotdog also took a picture of this airborne bullying, but alas, camera phones can only do so much. Just trust us when we say that little spec is not an errant buzzard.

Posted by at 3:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (21)

One of the surprise hits of the summer was Beauty and the Geek, a show that took a bunch of guys with brains and no social skills and let us watch them as they gained the pity of a bunch of actresses from Los Angeles. During the process, these actresses learned that there is more to life than getting into the Tropicana and driving an SLK 350. Through it all, the producers found enough entertainment to have us laughing, crying, and, well I mostly laughed. I guess I am just a heartless bastard.

If you are one of those guys who thought "God, I suck more than that! Why can't I get a chance to meet a hot chick and rub her down?" then look no farther. Posted in craigslist, there is an open casting call this Wednesday for any "wiz with computers, science, physics, and mathematics." If "your social life always taken a back seat to your acedemic career" then show up at Jillian's at Universal Studios and be prepared to fend off all of those kids from Northridge for your chance to appear on the show.

You have your orders, now go get 'em tiger!

Posted by at 2:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

• Critics are raving about Prison Break, and I, for one, cannot wait. Only downside: Brett Ratner directed the premiere. Ouch. Very ouch. [Reviews at New York Times, Los Angeles Times, USA Today]


• Oh yeah, the VMAs were last night. Green Day won, Suge Knight got shot, and Eva Longoria LOVES hurricanes! [New York Times]


• Radar Magazine has an "exposé" about what really happened behind the scenes on Kill Reality: drunken hookups and phone calls from Clay Aiken. Wow. Way to bust the lid off that one! [Radar Magazine]


• This is pretty cool. The Detroit News has a "Build Your Own Sitcom" board game. And yes, NBC execs are already playing rigorously. [Detroit News]


• TVgasm neighbor McG will be developing a modern take on 21 Jumpstreet for The WB. We can't wait to not watch it. [Variety]


• ABC is planning to bring back This Is Your Life. Man, this has Tom Bergeron written all over it! [Hollywood Reporter]

Posted by at 1:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

There has been a lot of critical praise for Prison Break, and a friend of mine inside FOX says that the pilot has tested better than anything in recent memory. Does any of that translate into a good program over the course of a full season? Was my friend simply trying to make light conversation after not calling or e-mailing in over a year? Was I not paying attention as I perused the produce section of Rock and Roll Ralph's in search of mushrooms? The answers to these questions may never be known, but we still think that Prison Break will be Tivo-worthy, and suggest you check it out. One answer we can give is that TVgasm will, in fact, be covering the show this season.

And look for the TVgasm Fall Preview Spectacular later this week. It may not actually be spectacular, but I thought the phrase had a certain ring to it, and I wanted to see if anybody was paying attention by adding a non-sequitur. Whatever, Prison Break airs tonight for two hours on FOX at 8PM Eastern and Pacific, then nestles into the Mondays at 9PM time slot thereafter.

Posted by at 11:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (17)

I have to say that I was particularly excited about this latest episode of Battlestar Galactica. The storylines have been scattered among several different planets, and while I think the writers have done a great job keeping us interested, I really agree with the words of Commander Adama from last week: it's time to get the fleet back together. President Roslin has convinced a large portion of the fleet to join her on her quest to Kobol. She is now on the planet's surface, searching for the Tomb of Athena, which is supposed to lead to earth. Commander Adam believes that Roslin is a religious kook, and actually fairly dangerous, but he realizes that there is a reason why people want to believe her. He knows that the fleet is a family, and they have to stay together, for better or worse.

After seven episodes, we're basically starting this season just about where we left off at the beginning. There is a landing party on Kobol looking for the tomb of Athena, only this time, there is actually a chance that they might be able to find it. It looks like they were able to dispatch the only Cylons that were chasing them. Yes, it was at the cost of many lives, but it looks like they are going to be able to find the Tomb of Athena and figure out once and for all if those prophecies mean anything, or if the cancer has been affecting her brain as well. They have Boomer as a guide, so to speak, but the only other thing they have to go on is the scriptures. The weather is horrible, and travel in the forest is slow and difficult. When Elosha died, Roslin lost her best friend and a good part of the faith that has kept her going.

On Galactica, Adama has decided they need to find the people on Kobol. They don't have any idea where the tomb is either, but they have Tyrel who has already been there, and they can read the scriptures as well. Because there is a danger to the fleet, there is only going to be one Raptor that makes the return to Kobol, and Adama wants to be on it. Considering that he has only been recovering from major internal surgery for a few months now, it seems kind of risky to be out and about, no? Nevertheless, he understands that if anybody is going to convince the President to come back, it will have to be him.

I would like to know what everybody thinks about Gaius Baltar. Personally, I think he is kind of a huge pussy. He is completely whipped by a woman who does not exist, and he just won't ever shut up. For some reason unknown to the rest of us, he is walking around a cell and then starts to dream of Six again. This time, she is completely naked, with only the back of a chair standing between her and the masturbation fantasies of lot of people - at least, she will be a fantasy once those people get off Everquest.

You know, the more you think about it, the more it makes sense. His mind couldn't handle the thought that he was responsible for the destruction of mankind, so he starts imagining that this Cylon is speaking to him. She convinces him that God chose him for a mission, and his mission is very important. It's a lot better thinking there was a reason for your screw-ups than it is coping with the idea that you are responsible for millions of deaths. The scenario makes so much sense, that even Six begins to talk about it. Six wants Baltar to pay attention, so she puts on some clothes. They were some workout sweats and I think this is the first time she hasn't been in either a slutty evening dress or her dominatrix combat gear. She says that there is no Cylon chip in his brain; she is a product of his subconscious. But if she is just a product of his subconscious, and he is telling this to himself, then really he is crazy. He better get a brain scan or something, and quick, so that's exactly what he does.

Back on Kobol, everybody is still plodding along. We know that Boomer is going to be a big help, but we aren't quite sure exactly why. The explanation we get this week is that she is compiling information from a bunch of different sources in order to bring us the clearer picture. Although Sharon is trying to be as helpful as possible, you know it must be kind of difficult for her to sit there and help a bunch of blasphemers. Sharon believes in one true God, doesn't worship false idols, but must gallivant around with all of these polytheistic fools. That's what she gets for being unable to keep her legs crossed, and that's why all of my daughters will have GPS implants.

Speaking of Sharon, how do you think it must feel for her? Even though she wasn't the person who killed Commander Adama, she readily admits that she has certain memories of what the other Sharon did, including growing up and joining the fleet. She is in love with Helo, or at least her programming has her think she is in love with Helo, but she knew that she wouldn't be exactly welcome with open arms when she left Caprica. It's not like they were just going to let he live a normal life, because once she returned, they knew she would be a Cylon. And all of that is before she realized that the other Sharon nearly killed Adama.

Zarek's buddy Meier senses some of this and has a plan to get rid of Lee. After the ambush and with all of the bad conditions, there hasn't been a good chance to get rid of Apollo, who never misses a chance to assert his authority over Zarek. Meier wonders if he can use some of Sharon's fears to get her to kill Apollo instead. After that happened, nobody would say anything if Boomer was shot dead on account of an "accident." Meier talks to Caprica Boomer and fills her in about what happened to Galactica Boomer. He tells her that she was killed in cold blood without a trial, and the person who shot her got only thirty days in jail. You have to admit, it was a good point that he had. And even though Commander Adama wept openly only a few episodes ago about how Sharon met her fate, could you ever imagine what would happen if he came face to face with her without knowing that she was around, or if she was friendly?

If that question was also in your mind, you didn't have a long time to wonder what the answer would be. A group from Galactica including Adama, Roslin's assistant Billy, and Chief Tyrel were aboard and made it safely to Kobol. They were able to find the place where Roslin's group had set up camp, and to say that it was an emotional reunion grossly understates what was happening on screen. Commander Adama and Lee Adama have a strong yet strained relationship. They have lost one wife and mother as well as a son and brother, the latter as a result of a flight accident. Lee is willing to stand up to his father when he thinks that it is the right thing to do, and there was absolutely no second thoughts in his mind when he helped the President escape. But when he saw his father was there not to take him in as a traitor, but to welcome him into his arms, well, that was some good stuff.

Adama and his son were not the only ones to tearfully welcome each other back. When President Roslin saw Billy, you could see on her face that she was very happy to have somebody she could consider a companion and one she could trust back into the fold. When they were on their way to Kobol, Adama had confided in Billy that Roslin though that he had what it takes to be President. This was new to Billy, and I am guessing he was pretty happy to see that the President considered him a colleague and not just a lackey to do her bidding because 99 percent of the known population had died. Adama saw Starbuck and there was yet another tearful reunion. He never wanted her to go back to Caprica, partially because he thought it was crazy, but also because Starbuck was one of the best pilots and he was worried for her safety. And then he saw Sharon.

Commander Adama was not unaware that he might run into another Sharon at some point and he had said as much to to Chief Tyrel. But looking into the face of somebody who nearly took your life, somebody you thought was gone, was not easy. He sees her, grabs her by the throat, does a little Undertaker-style choke slam, and proceeds to begin choking the life out of her. Although he doesn't succeed (damn physical exertion caused his heart to act up), the message was clear. She may be in their presence, but he would never trust her again.

Back on Galactica, Baltar was still freaking out about his brain scan. The smoking doctor was about to administer the test, and it looks like Galactica had outdated medical hardware just like it had outdated computers and electronics, because I think I've had MRIs that took less time, although my image was of my knee and not my brain, not that the latter couldn't have used it. Anyway, whenever Gaius needs to settle down and keep his mind on something, Six always appears, or at least his mind imagines that Six is there. This time is no different, and I realized that I might be in the camp that says she is a figment of his imagination. Why do I say that? Whenever he sees her, she is always wanting to get busy with him. I guess she just likes submissive men, or that his brain is saying that she likes submissive men so it is easier to believe that she always in the mood to bang out and he falls prey to her seductions.

Whatever it is, she is back once again at the MRI, and she once again is trying to distract him by playing with his junk. I am not sure why he is complaining. If there was anything that would make an MRI easier, it would have to be a blow job right? Even if it was imaginary? He is looking for brain abnormalities, like a hidden Cylon chip, so all of that blood rushing away from his head wouldn't be that big of a deal, right? The problem is that Baltar can't sit still, and the doctor has to restart the test several times. When the results are back, the doctor is very passive aggressive, but states he is fine. Baltar is relieved, but can't help but to give the doctor the old "I'll use my middle finger to adjust my glasses because I don't really like your attitude" move. It's nice that he's not crazy, but that still doesn't explain why Six is always in his head.

The reunions are still going on on Kobol. The most awkward scene of the season goes to Helo, Boomer, and Tyrel on Kobol. Tyrel sees Boomer, who he loved, and had all sorts of sexual relations with. She sees him, and kind of has to say hi and it's good to see you, even though it was never her body that he was familiar with. And Helo is sitting there, and you know he is kind of upset that Sharon is hugging her sort of ex-boyfriend in front of him and kisses him on the cheek, but then you realize that it must be strange for him in a whole other way. See, he never fell in love with the person that was Tyrel's Sharon, but when he did fall in love with Caprica Sharon, he thought it was Tyrel's Sharon, and had sex with her, and now they have a kid (which is a girl, btw; I guess her uterus is at least partly bionic).

Adama and Roslin begin to make up. As he said earlier, most of what was going on that divided the fleet was between really between the two of them. They made their apologies, and Adama might as well had said he was wrong to put her in prison, but never put it in those words. She had been questioning her leadership in light of everything that had happened. She had heard from Starbuck that there were survivors. When the series first popped up last year and civilization was under attack, Adama wanted to stay and fight, but Roslin said that they had lost and they must build a new society. With survivors still fighting for their lives, she thought that maybe she had made the wrong decision. Sensing her pain and anger, Adama reminded her that if it wasn't for her, that they would likely all be dead. Every day that the colony is alive is a gift, not from the Gods, but from her. Overstating it a little bit? Yes, but he knows that he and the President must make up if the fleet is going to be strong.

After the Commander's little murder attempt on Sharon, she put things in perspective. Would she ever have a normal life? She was going to have to do something about it. She had thought about Meier's plan, and had been thinking about it. She told Helo that she has to take matters into her own hands, and that he can't ask her what she is going to do. Although Zarek told his friend to give up on the thought of taking down Apollo at the moment, Meier spoke with Sharon about taking out both of the Adamas. When they finally get to the entrance of the tomb of Athena, Boomer pulls a gun on the Commander. When Lee raises his gun and aims, Meier puts his gun to Lee's head. At that moment, Boomer turns around and shoots Meier, exposing a traitor amongst them and proving that she is different (at least for now) from the Sharon that actually pulled the trigger on the old man. She gives her gun to Adama, tells him who she got it from, and says that she is in control of herself and can make her own decisions. Everybody might not believe her, but she made a really good case for them to at least begin to trust her again.

Now that there are no more traitors, everybody can enter the Tomb of Athena in peace. It took a little while to figure out how to get inside, but once inside they saw that there was representations of all of the twelve colonies. Each of the colonies is represented by what we would know as zodiac symbols. Caprica was Capricorn, Virgon was Virgo, etc., etc. Sagitaron the archer seemed to be the only statue in place, and his bow was missing an arrow. Hmmm. Oh right! The arrow of Apollo. Once Starbuck placed the arrow in the bow, everybody in the room was taken to a field, once again showing the icons of the twelve colonies, but also their ancient representations, which were, you guessed it, constellations. It took a little while to figure out exactly what those constellations meant, and how it was supposed to get them to earth. They soon realized that the field where they were transported was Earth, and Earth was the place where you could look to the sky and see the symbols of all twelve colonies.

With this new information, everybody is happy. The President proved she was not *that* crazy, and Adama suddenly found an objective that he could strive for as well. He gives a nice little speech bringing everybody back together and putting the president, who is suddenly too happy to care that her cancer is going to kill her in a few months, back in power. Everybody cheers and we get to go back exploring space and worrying about normal things like rescuing survivors, giving birth to half-robot babies, and trying to figure out who in the fleet is a traitor and wants to kill everybody, which brings us to the closing of the episode. Boomer is in the cell that Gaius first heard Six talk about being the place where their baby would be born, and Baltar overhears her talking about being pregnant with Helo and not wanting their baby to be born there. Suddenly, it all comes together. Six appears and confirms that Boomer's baby will be the beginning of the next chapter of existence. She is an angel from God, and says that the next chapter will end with the extinction of the human race.

Overall, I really liked this episode. The resolution of the big rift between Adama and Roslin seemed plausible, and we finally have some sort of idea what the fleet's goals will be for the foreseeable future. The Boomer "is she or isn't she" evil drama is still intriguing, and when you look at it in the scope of Baltar's sanity, well, it makes for one interesting pregnancy.

Posted by at 8:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

[by Betty White]

It’s week six of “So You Think You Can Dance” and it is two hours. Again! Another Wednesday night down the drain. Clearly it’s never going to just be a one hour show, so it’s time for me to let it go. Ok, it’s gone.

This week, we’re treated to a red slinky top from Lauren Sanchez. Very boob accentuating. We see a flash of belly too. Tramp! This week’s show comes charging out of the box American Idol style. The contestants are sitting on the couch (evoking memories of Carrie, Bo, Constantine and all the other contestants I’ve already forgotten), and Lauren is doing her best Ryan Seacrest imitation, which isn’t very good. (And that guy is bad enough doing his thing once – must we see a stupid wax statue vampire pretend to be him as well?)

Producer Nigel is wearing a blazer with a leather collar. Nice to know that the Huey Lewis circa 1983 fashion trends have been able to stick around. Lauren tells us that three million people voted by phone after last week’s episode of SYTYCD, informing us that it was more votes than the first voting week of American Idol. At first it sounds impressive, but it was less than voted to reinstate Kaysar in the Big Brother house, and they don’t mention that. Unfortunately for SYTYCD, they’ll never reach later levels of AI voting, because the show is not very good. Are they going to let us know when the number of voters goes down week after week, just like the viewership? Will Lauren Sanchez ever stop with the plastic surgery? I would answer "I doubt it" on both counts.

Just like on AI, Lauren recaps verbally (and stupidly) what the bottom six did last week. “You are safe,” she tells Artem and Michele. Now frankly, I was hoping Michele would go home, but clearly her Kelly Monaco outfit (or lack of an outfit) and gymnastic gyrations at the end of last week’s show had an affect on some members of the audience who felt compelled to dial in. We’re left with the bottom two girls and guys – Snow and Sandra, and Allan and Jonnis. Snow is standing there, waiting for the news, doing her best to look like Christina Aguilera. She almost has me fooled on the outfit (and little knit cap) alone, but those penciled-on eyebrows would give her away anywhere.

Suspense! We’re about to find out who will be cut. But first! Lauren sends us to a special Ford commercial, made just for this show, with dancing Ford dealers. It's hard to imagine that executives at Ford AND Fox thought this would be a good idea. I thank god for Tivo and move past it – quickly.

Back to the competish. Lauren’s got the bottom two girls on pins and needles. Sandra, probably sensing what is to come, starts crying before Lauren even reveals who is going home. But the tears were appropriate, because somehow, Snow escaped the hatchet and the Siberian drag queen is safe for another week. Bye bye Sandra.

This week on Fox - "When Blow Dryers Strike Back!"

Next we find out that Allan will be around for another week, and Jonnis is going home. The floodgates open. There is not a dry eye from the competitors on the couch. I, on my couch, feel nothing but slight boredom. Did the other contestants really bond with Jonnis, or are they just projecting, and figuring that it is only a matter of time before they are heading home themselves, so they are crying in anticipation? I don’t get it.

It’s finally time for some new dancing. Lauren is sporting a new outfit now, or maybe I should more appropriately term it lingerie. Simon’s changed blazers too, thank god. They’ve swapped out a judge. This week, ballroom Mary is sitting on the judging panel, and Mia is back to being a choreographer. I really can’t stand Mary. She’s got a nasal Midwestern accent and can’t relate to any dancers other than the ballroom specialists (at this point, I think there is only one left in the competition, Siberian Snow). Really, producers, if you want any of the contestants to care about ballroom dancing, you’ve got to raise the minimum age to, say, 60.

In their big “twist”, they tell Allan that he got the most votes among the bottom six. America clearly loves the big fatty. But seriously, wasn’t Allan just in the bottom two, waiting on pins and needles? I’m confused. Because of this big win, Allan gets to choose who he does not want to dance with this week. We all know he’s going to say Snow, because she was the one who dragged his fat ass into the bottom six last week, and he doesn’t disappoint.

Destiny pulls Blake’s name out of a hat. Again! Lucky bitch. She gets to dance with the best dancer in the competition again. And they choose lyrical, the same style as last week. Blake has learned his lesson, and tells the cameras how much he loves Mia and her choreography. No surprise, all the judges love them again.

Craig and Melody get paired together again this week, as do Ryan and Melissa. How much do you want to bet SYTYCD soon introduces a rule that no one can dance with the same partner again two weeks in a row? Sometimes I’m psychic. You’ll see.

Nick and Michelle get stuck with the quick step. “It’s quick, and I guess there are a lot of steps in it,” Nick tells the camera. Uh oh, you’re in trouble. And they are. The judges aren’t pleased. “I haven’t danced the quick step in 40 years,” says Simon. Last week we found out he choreographed Gene Kelley, and this week we find out this news. Somebody has got to find out how old this guy is.

Will John O'Hurley demand a dance-off? Only time will tell.

Ryan and Melissa pick salsa. Poor Ryan, the hip hop dancer who’s never had a lesson gets stuck with a tricky Latin dance two weeks in a row. Choreographer Alex, who has spiked his hair to look like Beavis (or is it Butthead?), presumably after a promise last week that if spiky hair Ryan did well, Alex would spike his hair. Does Ryan really care that you spike you hair? No, Alex, you just want to draw attention away from your small penis. Ryan and Melissa pulled it off last week and we’re rooting for them again. Ryan doesn’t disappoint. The judges (and America) are falling for him.

To no real surprise, the bottom six this week are Nick and Michele, Melody and Craig, and Snow and Jamile. They get their chance to solo dance. The three guys are all really good, so it’s a nail biter who’s going who’s going home. Again, I don’t care enough to waste the calories it would take to dial the phone, so it’s up to America, minus me, to make this decision.

Hugh Jackman would be so proud...

Posted by at 7:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

So, depending on what coast you are on and just how much fun you had last night, you are either waking up to an all new TVgasm to begin a bright new day or drunkenly wondering what happened to TVgasm, thinking that you may be dreaming, and waiting to decide what you should do about it in the morning. But yes, TVgasm did a little software upgrade, and with that came a few design changes. We're hoping that it looks a little nicer in more browsers as well as being easier to read. Most everything should be changed over to the new look, but there are a few things we still need to get to.

Depending on your browser, you are going to have to reset the browser cache to make sure all the new stylesheets and everything are working. Really, empty the cache, empty it again, and maybe restart your computer for good measure. As always, let me know if there is something that doesn't look good in your browser by sending me an e-mail; I need a description of the problem, the browser and operating system you are using, and a screenshot if you can get one. If your feedback comes at the end of a love letter to Tyra, I might even pay attention. I can say that it is strongly suggested you use Safari, Firefox(and similar browsers), or IE 6 and above.

Posted by at 3:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (27)

• Oh no she di'int! Oprah is furious that people are accusing her of snubbing Ebony founder John H. Johnson's funeral. It wasn't a snub. She was in Hawaii, dammit! In other news, John H. Johnson was buried in an Hermès coffin. [AP]


• Following in the footsteps of Jean Smart, Sean Astin joins the cast of 24. So we have a hobbit and a Designing Woman fighting terrorists. Best season ever? [E! Online via Yahoo]


• Hurricane Katrina (what a sexy bitch) crashes the VMAs, effectively shutting down all sorts of MTV parties and promotional events. Can't wait for the next ten years of VMA specials featuring producers acting as if they survived WWII. [Hollywood Reporter]


• UPN launches a huge marketing campaign for Everybody Hates Chris, the new critically-acclaimed Chris Rock comedy. And when's it airing? Thursdays at 8 PM. Great. Because I'm not already watching three different shows then. [Variety]


• An Oklahoma news anchor sues her ex-husband Bryan Abrams of 1990s supergroup Color Me Badd (yeah, the double D makes you really, really bad). This is going to be embarrassing for everyone involved. [AP]


• The Martha Stewart publicity blitz continues. The New York Times checks out her groovy ankle bracelet. [New York Times]

Posted by at 3:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

There's a reason why I've been slow with this week's Real World recap (again). It's because on Tuesday night, while most people were watching the Real World: Austin from the comfort of their living rooms, I was watching the Real World: Austin from the comfort of a folding chair... about twenty feet from the entire cast.

Yes, the assembled group of Melinda, Lacey, Nehemiah, Rachel, Danny, Johanna, and Wes took to the stage Tuesday night at California State University at Northridge (known affectionately as "CSUN") to talk about various topics such as alcohol abuse, safe sex, self-esteem, and, of course, farts. As a dutiful -- and now fairly pathetic -- TV blogger, I trekked out to the Valley to document this madness, incurring the derision of both J-Unit and my colleagues at Defamer. Let it be known, however, that I will stop at nothing to supply the tender morsels of gossip our readers so desperately crave. I will even go into the Valley. Sometimes.

Let me set the stage. Basically, the auditorium was full of mostly girls in their late teens. And me. It was one of the more manly moments of my life. Actually, there were a bunch of frat guys there too; so my male ego managed to stay somewhat intact.

Anyway, as I nestled into my little chair, I heard two excitable girls babbling about how they just totally saw Danny and like OMG they took took a picture with him! They then spoke at length about how awesome it would be to join The Real World, and I slowly realized that pretty much everyone there was hoping to get plucked from the audience and be transformed into an MTV superstar. This is where MTV's The '70s House gets its cast: CSUN.

After a significant delay, the cast finally walked out on stage where they were greeted by an errant paper airplane. (NOT thrown by me, thank you very much. I did chuckle though.) Wes kicked things off with a fairly affable if not forgettable speech about safe sex. He was a decent talker and surprisingly quick and funny. Seemed like much less of a douche bag than on TV. It became very apparent to me that this evening would not be filled with the gossip-worthy tidbits I had so dreamed for.

Here is one of many terrible pictures I took. It's Wes talking. Fascinating.

Next up was Johanna who gave one of the more ridiculous speeches of the night. No, her topic was not the degree to which Everybody Loves A Spicy Latina. Instead, she tackled the heavy topic of alcohol abuse. When not giggling and calling the students losers for not going out on Thursday nights, she read off statistics about binge drinking and then eventually listed many of the downfalls of alcohol abuse: getting sick, being late to class, opening yourself up for date rape (to which she added, "And that's not very funny."), and of course, gaining weight. On the plus side though, alcohol does give you confidence! Way to go, Johanna!

Don't abuse alcohol. Unless it makes you feel good!

After Jo-Jo wrapped up, Danny took the podium to talk about... drinking and driving. That's cool and everything, but... don't you want to talk about coping with death? I guess not. Truth was that Danny really sucked. I had all this good will stored up towards him, and he just completely destroyed it. The guy had this sort of cocky arrogance on stage, which was fairly unwarranted because a) he's only a reality star; b) he gave a very poor speech; and c) he's only a reality star. Either way, I had an extremely adverse reaction to him, possibly bolstered by some girls sitting behind me who said they had met him earlier in the week (the cast had apparently been there for a few days) and he had been a major asshole to them. So you heard it here first! Danny sucks.

Oh, and in person, his head sort of looks like the alien from Alien. Really weird. Can't describe it.

Melinda stands for her man. And I think she's pointing to her vag too.

Danny with a short-brimmed hat? How refreshing!

Hey Danny, go away.

Rachel came up next to talk about stress and how to cope with it. And no, this did not result in a seven minute discussion about the stress of receiving melted cotton candy ice cream in the mail. Her speech was actually pretty good, despite it sounding like something you'd hear in an 8th grade classroom. Rachel spoke about her military experience, and the account was surprisingly engaging and fascinating. Unfortunately, she seemed to think that we'd forget how everything tied together with her central theme, and so after nearly every sentence, she'd announce, "And that was very stressful," or "And that was very stressful too," or "As you can imagine, that was a lot of stress." She literally told a story about how on the first night at camp, the sirens went off because a scud missile was heading towards them. She then added, "It was a lot of stress." YA THINK?

Melinda penetrates me with the glassy eyes of a SHE-DEMON! REPENT!!!

Next up was Nehemiah who happily took the stage with arms open and flapping, urging the audience to cheer. His topic was anger management, and blah blah blah, there wasn't really anything too memorable here. But Nehemiah was very good on stage. He really commanded the audience; although, that might have been because he was nearly yelling into the microphone. People were literally saying "SHHHH!!!" to him. But I'm pretty sure he didn't hear (considering that he continued to bellow out over the crowd).

Giving probably the best speech of the night was Lacey who treaded through familiar territory about acceptance and tolerance. She talked about her boyfriend who's paralyzed and various other handicapped people she's met in life, mostly in her beauty salon. It was a very earnest speech that seemed to have sincere emotion behind it, unlike some others (cough, Wes, cough, Johanna, cough DANNY).

"That crazy Lacey. What is this 'virgin' concept she talks of?'

And finally, there was our favorite nympho, Melinda. She also gave a strong speech about self-esteem and all that fun stuff. She called her ex-boyfriend an asshole and then babbled on about low self-esteem for a while. By that time, however, I was hungry and no longer interested in these After School Special topics, so I kind of zoned out, despite Melinda's quality as a speaker. Oooh, but mine ears did perk up when Melinda talked about how her ex-boyfriend pressured her into threesomes and sex with other people. Yes, murmurs were heard all around.

Little-known fact: Melinda was studying to be a dentist before The Real World. She just liked any field involving the term "oral."

Okay, now I feel badly because Melinda seemed really sweet. Actually, with the exception of Danny, the whole cast seemed like very nice people. Speaking of Danny, he took to the stage again to announce that he wasn't originally going to talk about his mother's death, but because he was SUCH a GOOD guy, he was going to. Thanks Danny! He then rambled on for about two minutes, not really talking about his loss, but instead imploring us to make sure our loved ones know we love them. Fantastic.

After the speeches, the group fielded questions from the audience, and Danny -- Mr. Too Cool For School -- nearly grabbed the microphone out of the moderator's hands with every chance he could get. Here's what I can remember: Melinda and Lacey applied for The Real World because they both lived sheltered lives and wanted to experience new things. That's legit. Danny claimed he applied as a joke (riight) but he also wanted to experience new things (as evidenced by him spending the season bundled up in his bed). As for the rest of the cast, their motivations revealed a sad state of affairs, if you ask me. Nehemiah admitted that he wants to direct music videos, so he applied solely to develop a relationship with MTV. Wes, Johanna, and Rachel, meanwhile, simply confessed they wanted a break from their lives and to party. The Real World indeed!

As for other tidbits: Melinda never took a shit in the house the entire time there. Nehemiah left raw chicken in the fridge, which then dripped everywhere. He also left raw hamburger on the kitchen counter, causing blood to run all over the place as well. (And in case you couldn't tell, the roomies had to clean up everything themselves.) As for farting, Nehemiah said that it happened quite a bit.

And now some completely shallow observations:

• Johanna looked great in person. She had huge breasts too.
• Wes and Nehemiah must be hanging out with Rafael Palmiero. They were pumped up.
• Danny, as I mentioned before, looks like an alien.
• All the guys in general were quite short, veering on trollish.
• Yes, Lacey looked much better in person.
• Melanie from Real World: Philly was there and honestly, she looked super hot. I'm not even joking. This girl has gone Hollywood.
• Did I mention that Danny was a dick?

The kids watch a video clip of their inanity.

Some bitch stepped right in front of my camera and screwed up my autofocus. Thanks, jerk.

Do not worry. I am not so lame as to get an autograph from these people.

Posted by at 1:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (30)

[by Erica, you can read her blog at http://ihearttv.blogspot.com]

Who says a vapid television show portraying your even more vapid existence won't be good for your career? According to an article in Women's Wear Daily, it looks like college dropout LC, of Laguna Beach, might make it to the working world after all. MTV camera crews have descended on the West Coast offices of Teen Vogue, where LC has just begun interning. Sources inside Conde Nast, the company that owns Teen Vogue, say this may be a test for a possible Laguna Beach spin-off (perhaps it could be called "Laguna Beach: The Coffee Bitch Years" or "Laguna Beach: Can You Make Me 200 Color Copies of This Layout?" or "Laguna Beach: Proofread This Now, Bitch!"), while others say the footage might just be incorporated into the regular show.

The article goes on to say that a receptionist who refused to appear on film was replaced. That can't possibly be legal, can it? Though, I have to say I'm surprised LC has even gotten a job at all, unpaid and handed-to-her-on-a-platter as it may be. I mean, this is a girl who couldn't even handle more than a semester of art school. Then again, I'm sure the bitchiness of Laguna has more than prepared her for the bitchiness of fashion magazines.

Posted by at 8:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

This has been a very trying season of Big Brother. I really love this show, and quite clearly I love to talk about it, but I have never had so much of an emotional investment in a reality show since - well, I guess since Naima won ANTM a few months ago, but I think you get the idea. The last month has been great, with HOH and nominations swinging back and forth every week. Unfortunately, there has always been that creepy feeling in the back of my head. What would happen if my side didn't win? We got to bring Kaysar back after his eviction, but since Howie was in charge, things have never been the same. My giddiness at the greatness of this season has been tempered by the slow realization that the numbers are skewed in favor of a Friendship win, a scenario I would guess about 82% of America would find a complete disaster.

You know what? When times get tough, it is always great when you can count on somebody. This person has to be comforting, this person has to warm, this person has to be funny, this person has to make you feel like you are the luckiest television viewer in the world. Folks, that person is Julie Chen. I think Julie's internet stardom has pretty much killed off the camel toe, but the absence of such a sight is not enough to make me change the Chennel, errr, channel. If you stick with Julie she always will come through, and tonight was one of those nights.

As we panned in to Julie welcoming us to Big Brother, our immediate reaction was that Julie had just returned to the set after she and Les won the hand jive competition at the sock hop. I have no idea where in the hell Julie found that dress, but I know that there is one more wardrobe coordinator out of a job. I guess it was supposed to be an evening dress, but does a black taffeta poodle skirt seem elegant to you? And how about those straps on the halter? Was it just me or did it look like two huge caterpillars had crawled up Julie's neck and were about to engulf her head? Or maybe they were going for that HUGE necklace she was wearing. Did some robin mistake the Chelmet for a nest and lay some eggs all over her chest(yes, I know robin eggs are blue, but maybe it was a magical robin)? I have no clue what was going on here, but at least it got me in a good mood to start things off.

But first! We have to have a little update on what has transpired since Tuesday. It's no coincidence that the time that Beau has been HOH has been some of the dullest moments in the house all season. And the saddest part is that he isn't quiet and introverted because he is quietly plotting what is going to happen next. From what I have seen, he is a complete idiot, and the only reason he doesn't open his mouth more is because he's not sure what to do when there is no 60-year-old schlong for him to take care of. Let's play a drinking game next time. Every time Beau finishes a sentence, you take a drink! This game is for everybody, even your friends in Alcoholics Anonymous, because Beau is so incompetent, you never have to worry about even having a sip of alcohol.

With nothing that Beau does worth anything, that usually means that the burden of entertainment falls on Howie, and this is once again the case. This time, we have learn that Howie has, wait for it, wait for it...a white ass! It was a tad more Howie than I wanted to see, but Beau is getting sick of all of the women in the house, so he asks Howie to give a little show. He wants him to streak back and forth across the yard a couple of times. Just when we believed that we might be getting to see all of Hurricane Howie, we learned that perhaps Howie isn't a man whore anymore. He's not going to take his pants off for nothing; they have to promise him something. They better be stuffing Jacksons down his g-string, at the very least.

Apparently James must have let the Bible out of his sight for a few minutes, because it was in the backyard and Howie wanted everybody to swear that they were going to vote out Rachel. Beau was up for it, and Ivette saw no problem with it, but Maggie wasn't going to swear on the Bible. You know, she's too good to swear on the Bible. Actually Maggie, this would be the perfect time to swear on the Bible because you know that Rachel is going home. Why not swear on the Bible, it proves that you can keep a promise? Maggie didn't see it that way, and how had his opinion as to why, saying "Big Fat Maggie" was a lying sack of garbage. Now that is a put down! None of this, you are pitch black and stark white stuff Beau tried to pull.

God, I really hate Maggie. When oh when are the CBS producers going to do the "getting fat" montage? Notice that whenever the friendship needs a meeting, it seems to take place in the pantry nowadays? Seeing Maggie and Ivette before and after will make my day. For now, I have to listen to their idiotic comments and logic.

We got out first interview with the houseguests, and lo and behold, Julie turns to the side and I see that the back of her dress is see-through mesh. which only makes me further confused about the dress. If it has a mesh back, why the wooly mammoth halter? Julie asks questions and begins with April, asking her how life in the house is without Jennifer. Well, I am sure it was much like the last 75 years that April has lived without Jennifer, so not that bad. Next we have a boring question to Maggie about the kitchen table. Was it surprising to see? Yes! Oh dear, how interesting.

I was surprised at the next question, because it said that there were some questions from internet readers. CBS gave viewers the ability to submit questions from their website, but didn't really promote it, most likely because they wanted to save themselves from having to delete all of the "Why do you have such a huge ass Maggie?" questions TVgasm readers would have submitted. The first question was to Ivette, and she was asked what celebrity she would want to play her in a movie. There is something in the water because Selma Hayek and Penelope Cruz were mentioned. Ivette wisely said no and suggested Julie D'Amato from the Sopranos. Did she mean Drea DiMatteo? Jamie Lynn Discala? I guess I could see Jamie Lynn Discala, but let me suggest another Latin person to play Ivette that could more easily represent her size - George Lopez. I wish they asked April the casting question, I have always wondered if she would rather have Rue McLanahan or Bea Arthur as her body double. Next, Janelle was asked what she would do with a one-day vacation from Big Brother. Who in the hell came up with these questions? Please tell me that it was none of you.

It was then time for what had the potential to be the most awkward on screen interview ever. Julie Chen vs. Beau. The Robot vs. the Ho-bot, an EPIC battle. We knew that it was going to be so very uninteresting, and Beau was still trying to remember his subject and predicate, and then CBS through us the strangest interview angle EVAR. Usually, it is a shot of the houseguest, then a shot of Julie from the monitor. For some reason, the producers decided to do the houseguest shot from behind Julie, giving us an unusual view of Julie's statuesque posture. Why was this so very distracting? I think I need help.

Leaving Beau, hopefully never having to worry about hearing him speak again, we went on to talk about our man James. God, I hated him so much early on in the game, but now it seems like it was so long ago. Nowadays, everybody knows what kind of player James is. He is playing both sides, both teams know it, yet neither team wants to do anything about it. He was such a target, it is really amazing how he enabled himself to get even this far in the game. Forget about the winning, just getting to this point is huge. James doesn't see it that way, and he still carries around that stupid scar of Sarah's for good luck. Just how duplicitous is James? One minute, he is really ripping April, while Rachel is saying "she sucks royally", but on the other side, he is ripping Rachel, saying he is so happy they just realized her true nature, while listening to April talk about Rachel saying "She really is a conniving bitch". We then cut to Janelle discussing going all the way (to the end of the game, you perverts) with James, and she leaves, saying "I respect your honesty". Yes, you didn't lie about your job, your relationship, or that time you promised to nominate Howie and Rachel - on the Bible I might add.

Whenever there is a new set of people on the block, we have to have a little bit of face time from the folks back home, and we first get Howie's parents. You really feel for what these people went through, and they are really proud of their son. Then we got a little look at Rachel's parents, and I was literally left speechless, mainly because laughing and talking at the same time doesn't work out so well. And it's not like they were that funny in what they said, but they had this classical music in the background, just in case you couldn't tell that there was a difference in personality between the two families. I though they would have some cat eating some fancy feast in the background, or a friendly British chap dropping off a jar of Taster's Choice.

As Janelle was talking about how her alliance might crumble if Rachel is out of the house (uh, this just in - your alliance has been crumbling for weeks), and Ivette says Howie had issues, I became really distracted by that background in the diary room. Remember when you were taking your school pictures each year and they gave you the options of what backgrounds to pick? Remember the boring blue one, and then the one where they charged like $10 extra dollars but had those colored lasers in the background that matched your shirt? The diary room is totally taking me back to that time. I never got the lasers, but at least my parents didn't make me wear a tie.

Soon enough, it was time to find out who was going to be evicted, and it was going to be another live vote. YES! Like always, the nominees were given a chance to make a final plea. Rachel didn't say very much, but Howie went on and on and on, and Julie had to start with her interrupt laugh to cut him off, because Howie wouldn't stop. As he was giving his speech, he seemed to pause every five seconds to kiss Rachel, maybe because he knew he was never going to sleep under the same roof as her ever again.

Howie ended soon enough, and it came to the vote. Maggie went first, and I am not sure what is supposed to be flattering for her, but what she was wearing this evening was not flattering. Maggie is not obese, but she does need a little help in a few areas, and a great place to start would have been to do something about her sagging boobs. While she was sitting on the couch, she broke both titty rules. Rule 1 being your stomach shouldn't extend farther than your boobs, and Rule 2 being your boobs should never be able to rest on your stomach while you are sitting down. And if that wasn't appetizing enough, we were treated to her playing with her wedgie after she got up. Sesame chicken was not a good choice.

Maggie votes, and Julie is really in top form with the color commentary. Notice the subtlety with how she switches modes from host Julie to analyst Julie. It is quite a spectacle to behold. As Maggie went to sit down and Janelle got up, something strange happened. She got up and said "Sorry guys" and then "Sorry America" and then headed to the door giggling like she knew there would be trouble, but was going to love the trouble anyway. It was like watching that episode of Three's Company where Jack and Janet have an argument in the kitchen or the bedroom or by the couch, and Mr. Furley knocks on the door so Chrissy has to go and distract him somehow, but she can't control the ways her arms are flailing in the air. Oh right, that was every episode.

Janelle gave her vote, and after saying she wanted to evict Rachel, we got a little peek-a-boo shot. First Julie shows us the hot box, now Janelle. SUMMER OF SECRETS. As Janelle comes back and April goes up to vote, we hear Janelle says "Well, everybody knows I'm wearing white!". I guess she must have really given the people on the other couch a show. She was probably laughing because she was wondering what would have happened if she forgot to wear any underwear, like usual.

Rachel had enough votes for eviction after only three people, but Julie assured us we would get to see what everybody thought, which was also to get rid of April. We had a teary goodbye, and Rachel began her interview with Julie. The robot hand was ready for action, and when Julie finally got around to asking her question, Rachel told us what we all wanted to hear. "I truly believe I am sitting here because Howie nominated James and Sarah." I thought it would feel better when I finally heard somebody say it, but it just made the wound deeper.

The interview went normally, but we learned of another new Chenbot feature. Previously, her head only had a four-way power option, like the seats of a 1993 LeBaron. Up and Down, left and right, that is what we knew from Julie. Now, it has a full 8-way adjustment, and she used it when she interrupted herself in the middle of a question to redirect it to something else. Some programmer was lazy sending the instructions and almost threw her off. Luckily, the new head motions let us knew she was serious and we finished the interview.

As custom, the houseguests had a chance to say something to Rachel on her way out. Howie had very nice things to say, and Janelle was also very gracious. It looked like everybody was going to be fairly civil. Even April said that the only reason April was being voted out was because she was a great competitor. Hopefully, April's comment will be the last thing in Rachel's head, and not that image of April calling her a conniving bitch 30 minutes earlier in the episode. But you knew that Ivette was left. Has anybody else noticed how the last messages are from people that really hate the person being evicted? In times past, they would always end with an ally or best friend in the house. This year is much different, and Ivette gives Rachel her last message, saying that her actions were despicable, yada yada, and I hate you and whatnot.

Ivette keeps on talking about Rachel being a sore loser or a poor winner, but other than some faces she made at the dumbest nomination speech of all time, she has not terrorized the house, and didn't take her eviction personally. And wouldn't the fact that Ivette leaving a message to a defeated competitor about poor sportsmanship, but talks about nothing but how bad the person is count as poor sportsmanship as well? If your opponent loses and you basically rub it in their face, what does that say about you? Oh, that's right, you are a huge (literally), hypocritical, sucky bitch.

Before the HOH competition, we got a chance to learn about the next America's choice. Everybody has been speculating we would get to choose an HOH or evict a houseguest, but it was really much simpler than that. America's Choice would win a phone call from home. Normally, CBS fixes this so the person with kids gets to talk to them. Nobody has kids this time, so there is no reason for CBS to fix this time around. Therefore, we are asking everybody to vote Janelle. I don't particularly care what she has to say to Michael, but as the time goes by and it looks like somebody from the Friendship will win, we must do everything in our power to make it known how much people hate the. Vote early and vote often.

The HOH competition had the houseguests answering questions with an answer of "higher" or "lower". On the first question "How many houseguests are over 6" tall, is the answer higher or lower than three", Maggie, Ivette, and Howie(no surprise) were eliminated. This meant that the chances of Janelle winning were pretty good, and the chances of either James or Janelle winning was even better, especially considering old hag April was their competition. James was eliminated after a few more questions, and it came down to Janelle and April for the tiebreaker. My heart must have been beating like Cappy when he sees a hockey jersey. Janelle loves tiebreakers, and the question was how many pucks were in the basket in the hockey game. Janelle loves hockey, so this is going to be good odds. Right? Right!?

So, whom will Busto nominate? Is there any scenario where somebody from the friendship does win?

Posted by at 1:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (78)

Once again, it's time for America's Choice on Big Brother 6. A few weeks ago, viewers had the wonderful opportunity to vote an evicted player back into the house. Thanks to a grassroots campaign partially stirred up by TVgasm, we managed to return the beloved Kaysar back into the compound (where he instantly botched his good fortune and wound up on Julie's couch a mere one week later).

This time around, CBS has offered us a far less important choice: who gets a phone call from home? Normally, I wouldn't mobilize the TVgasm readers again over such a trivial prize, but seeing how The Friendship appear to have a lock on this unforgiving game, it seems only fair that they realize just how much America hates them.

And so we implore you to vote for Janelle. Even if you were turned off by Janelle's antics last week, you must admit that the one way to drive Ivette, April, Beau, and Maggie crazy would be for their flaxen arch-nemisis to win the call.

It's your civic duty. And if you're still not convinced, here are more reasons to cast your vote Janelle's way:

• To see the looks of shock, disillusionment, and confusion on The Friendship's faces when Janelle wins.
• To make April cry.
• To make Ivette cry.
• To make Maggie cry.
• To make Beau cry.
• To make The Friendship realize they are hated.
• To make The Friendship realize America detests anything advocating or representing Eric "Cappy" Littmann.
• To avoid five minutes of April yapping to her husband about Pepperoni.
• To avoid five minutes of Beau's annoying squeals.
• To avoid five minutes of Ivette's idiotic yelling.
• To make TVgasm proud.
• To restore any glimmers of justice this universe has in store for us.

Vote early and vote often. Janelle all the way!!

Posted by at 11:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (33)

You may have thought I'd given up on Battle of the Network Reality Stars, but no... with the ever-entertaining Simon Sez battle this week, I had to tune in. And who knows... maybe there would be a "side of beef carrying contest" and with our girl Charla still in the ranks, I wouldn't miss that for the world.

Alas, the show is still terrible and nowhere near worthy of a proper recap, so enjoy the photo-cap of the "Greatest gathering of reality stars ever assembled," according to host Mike Adamle. That's kind of like October 13, 1997 after a night out at Loco Perro for dinner and tequila shooters, I had the "greatest crap I've ever taken," but we'll take what we can get.

The Incredible Hawk

Retro footage of Scott Baio and his special custom Simon Sez knee brace. Because we all know who tough that game can be.

Man, Mike Adamle is looking haggard. But more importantly, what's up with Batman lurking in the background?

Jimmy "JJ" Walker taking time out of his busy schedule to proclaim Melissa Howard's ass, "Dyna-just-alright."

Richard Hatch lights an atomic fart and blows it towards Nikki McKibbon. He also confirmed for those present that he is indeed the goatse man.

Mirna, sick of Charla getting all the attention, shot and killed her diminutive cousin. Please bow your heads for a moment of silence.

Will Wilkie makes up for his invisible package by working out. A lot.

Darva Conger still blows.

Sue Hawk reminds us all that yup, she's a filthy white trash trucker.

The highlights: Omarosa's "serious" interview with Richard Hatch (after winning the Simon Sez event), even asking him about his tax evasion allegations. He dodged the question with all the skill of a Survivor champion. Will Wilkie stating that Nikki McKibbon, "looks like a withdrawl victim; scratching her body and flailing all about." Theo kicks ass at dodgeball - Prospective employers are lining up, I'm sure. Brittany Brower (ANTM5) and Tiny Fabulous (Bachelor) are damn good swimmers who look damn good in their swimsuits. No joke here, I just found that surprising (the athletic part, not the looking good part).

Team Coral came in last place and had to send two players home. Little Charla volunteered herself followed by Duncan Nutter (the prick from Showbiz Moms and Dads) who did the same. This moved captain Coral to lament, "Charla and DuncNutt, dude, for real, give it up." Idiot. And lastly, the winning team (Miz) had the cool prize of being able two move 2 players on any team to Team Coral as two new mystery players were to be brought in. Blah, blah, blah, they moved Tina Fabulous and Gervase over to Team Coral and they were replaced by Jeri Manthey and some dork from Average Joe.

And next week, a whole team is sent packing! If only there were a shred of infighting or drama or intrigue, I'd actually care. Oh well.

Posted by at 7:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

By Ed Hill

So let me ask a question to all you loyal TVgasm readers out there. What were you doing 8 months ago today? I know what I was doing. Sitting in my family's living room opening presents. I can picture it now….

(wavy lines)

Well whattya know, I got the new God of War game for the PS2! And look, my sister Rosemary got that iPod she's been wanting! What's that Mom? Another Tanqueray and Tonic? You got it. Hey everyone, lets sing a song!

I bet we been together for a million years
And I bet we'll be together for a million more.
Oh, It's like I started breathing on the night we kissed
And I can't remember what I ever did before.
What would we do baby, Without Us?
What would we do baby, Without Us?
And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.
What would we do baby, Without Us?
Sha la la laaaaa.

(Wavy lines)

Ahhh, Christmas in the Hill household. Presents, liquor and the theme song to Family Ties. Pure bliss. But alas, not everyone's Christmas was as joyful as mine. Some of them downright sucked. And those people would be described best with one word: Brats!

That's right! Decorate the tree, turn the AC on high, put on the ugly green sweater and get out your Rankin Bass videos. It's Christmas at Brat Camp!   When last we left out troubled youths it was graduation day for a few of them, and the focus was on whether or not everyone would be able to graduate by Christmas. Sadly, it looked as if most of them were going to be sticking around. So the episode opens with everyone making the best of an admittedly sucky situation. We get each kid sharing their Secret Santa lists, decorating the huge makeshift Christmas tree outside the tent, and trying to keep their spirits up. It's the day before Christmas at Brat Camp and everyone is secretly praying that Santa will come tonight so they can bumrush him and steal the sleigh because 40 days with a guy who calls himself "Fire Bear" is 39 days too many.
 
The counselors, however, still feel the need to put them through one last test. This one is about trust. So they have the kids walk a tight rope between 2 trees with only a few dangling ropes to act as handrails. They are kept safe by a person known as the "belay" who acts as a spotter and is holding the ropes attached to each kid, keeping them from falling. It's a typical summer camp "build trust" exercise. And if that isn't hard enough, the kids are subjected to listening to the counselors down below scream up empty platitudes like "Push though this!" or "This exercise is symbolic of where we are right now" and "Why don't you share with the group what you're goal is?" Before I could answer that last question myself by screaming it to the TV screen, Lauren, my favorite, answers it for me. "My goal? Um, to not fricken fall!"  Yup. That's my girl. Lauren is also forced to have Jada, the one we have discovered is an unrepentant lying brat, be her belay. Once Lauren gets across to the other side, the narrator concludes "This proves that Jada was trustworthy after all." No, this proves that Jada can hold a rope. For the most part the kids come through with flying colors and even Derek, who had to back off because of his fear of heights, is able to do the cheesy fall backwards and let people catch you bit.
 
The next morning it's finally Christmas. And what a surprise the kids have in store for them. There are stockings on the tree outside the tents! And what's in them? Oh great. Granola and a candy cane. Goddamned hippies. The candy cane is probably made of tofu too. Not to be outdone, each kid now gives the other their Secret Santa presents. They mostly consist of handmade objects: Lauren made Isaiah a pouch, Shawn made Derek a frog out of a tin can, and Frank made the drug addict Shawn a spoon. Hmm, maybe not the best idea, but it's the thought that counts.
 
Later Lauren is walking outside the tent and hears someone calling her name. She starts wandering over to see who it is (it's a blinding snowstorm by the way) and soon enough she sees that it's her mom. I have to admit, the look on her face was actually really touching when she saw who it was. A single tear ran down my ruggedly handsome cheek, I won't lie. But unfortunately they keep the stunt going and its gets old fast. Yep, its graduation day for everyone. But being the TV-aware group of counselors they are, they make every single reunion a "surprise". We see Shawn's family, Derek's family (Whose dad looks suspiciously like an old prospector), Frank's family, even Isaiah's mom who says "I feel like Isaiah is ready to come home". Yeah well, ask your neighbor that and see what he says.
 
And last but not least we have the brattiest of the bratties, Jada. The counselors clearly think she's a gigantic failure, but even they want to go home for Christmas and not get stuck with her; so they are left with little options. "Flying Eagle" confronts Jada in a now empty camp and tells her that all the others have graduated, but they are still concerned about her. She responds the only way she knows how. Having a full-on bratty, screaming, crying meltdown.  It works, and they shove her out the door to her family. You can practically see the boot mark on her ass. Flying Eagle can only take so much. We then have a big group party in the main tent where everyone cries and hugs and talks about how much they've changed and grown. It's a tent full of Dr. Phils. And can you imagine anything more glorious? But wait! How will we know how they fare back in the real world? Don't' fret because that's coming up after the commercial break.

The last 10 minutes of the show is basically a "where are they now" segment following each Brat Camper up to the present day. Think of the finale of Six Feet Under with less death and overblown melodrama. Shawn has morphed from a Drug user to a Jedi Padawan as we see him meditating in the back yard. Isaiah talks about how his heart is now more open (to racism apparently). Heather is at boarding school and looking pretty good as well. Even Lexie, who was molested, is back to riding horses. And my Lauren looks to have really straightened up and flown right. How much of this is editing? I don't know (they did edit Isaiah to be all better too), but it's nice to see. It warms the cockles of my heart. That's right. I have warm cockles. Wanna see?

Yay Brat Camp!

And then there's Jada. She's right back to where she was at the beginning: a lying, pot smoking, manipulative pain in the ass. It's as if B-Side turned into a 16 year old girl (just kidding boss…). She talked her way out of boarding school (did I mention her parents are wimps? Well they are) and is back to being as annoying as we remember her. Ah well you can't win 'em all.
 
Did the kids really change? Was ABC right to put this show on the air after all the controversy? Was a big gaping hole in ABC's dead summer schedule successfully filled with reality show bilge? Will I be able to go at least a few months without typing the word "brat"? Maybe we'll never know. All I know is this hopefully marks the last episode of  Brat Camp. Unless they come up with a Reality Star's Brat Camp where Trishelle from Real World and Allison from Big Brother finally learn some important life lessons and everyone gets "Fairplayed". That would be awesome.

Posted by at 6:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

• Reality producers and the WGA are suing Fox and crap-factory Rocket Science Laboratories for various offenses such as abusing overtime laws and doctoring timecards. Rocket Science stages something? Why I never! [Hollywood Reporter]


• Punky Brewster has spawned! Soleil Moon Frye is a proud mother (and people my age now feel really old). [USA Today]


• "America's Choice" returns to Big Brother this Thursday. Don't know what the prize is, but everyone vote for Janelle. [Reality Blurred]


• Paramount is making a movie about The Battle of the Network Stars (whose latest incarnation stars such luminaries as Coral Smith, Sue Hawk, and Wendy Pepper). The new version will be about a wronged network exec who must find redemption by winning this beloved competition. Yes, it's all the zaniness of Dodgeball mixed with the insidery joy of a corporate memo. Can't wait! [Variety]


• Brian Williams has a blog, and the New York Times loves it! Hey, where's the love, Gray Lady? [New York Times]


• CSI scribe Josh Berman gets a pilot deal for his new missing-persons show, Vanished, not to be confused with Without A Trace or Missing. [Variety]


• After last week's NHL coup, OLN is in negotiations to land major league lacrosse coverage. Lacrosse? Hockey? Let's just rename this the Philips Exeter Academy Channel and be done with it. (Oh yeah, they have rodeo too. Never mind..) [Mediaweek]

Posted by at 1:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

OK, I know I skipped a week from The 4400 once again, but I didn't think that last week's episode was all that killer, although a lot of people were killed. I would have actually waited until after the season finale to write about it at all, but the season finale for the second season is looking like it will be just as exciting as finale for the first season. Therefore, I wanted to make sure I got the word out a little bit ahead of time so people can plan accordingly.

The big news from last week, besides Curtis coming in and regulating some perimeters, was that there was a mysterious illness that seemed to be affecting some of the 4400. Maia was the first person we saw with it, and to call it the flu would not be doing it justice. Sure there was the fever, and the sore throat, and the chills and whatever, but all of those were accompanied by a rash that looked more like smallpox. Shawn also got the rash, and when he tried to heal somebody, he found out his power was gone. As disappointed as he was, I really felt bad for the blind woman who kept on saying "When is it going to work? When is it going to work?"

After the big mess with NTAC, you know they weren't going to let just any idiot come and take over the operations of the place. The old battleaxe, Nina Jarvis, was shot last week, so they needed to bring in the big guns. Enter Dennis Ryland, who was director of the Seattle branch of NTAC last year, but got promoted to Washington, DC. Also, the actor who plays Ryland, Peter Coyote, was about to star on The Inside for FOX. It was probably apparent that The Inside was going to last all of six weeks, so the producers welcomed him back into the fold, and had Jarvis shot to explain the reason he came back.

Ryland comes back, and everybody is really happy. He seemed to have a passion for what he was doing, and he always seemed to loathe the business of Washington, which is more about dinner parties than actually getting things done. Tom is ecstatic, and Diane only slightly less so, although both of them worry about how Ryland might have changed. He can talk all of the "I'm not a bureaucrat" talk, but what are his actual motivations going to be?

Now, in the interest of brevity, I am going to gloss over a number of plot points, including the part where Kyle starts feeling sorry for the person who took the blame for his Collier shooting, going over to his house, then befriending his girlfriend and brother. Seriously Kyle, what is your deal? Last week you found out your lab partner has the hots for you. Not only does she like you, she is willing to do your homework and wants to sleep with you? Why risk getting caught for murder when you've got a good thing on your hands?

Back to the main story, we learn quickly why Ryland is around. This 4400 disease is not confined to a few people, it is a massive outbreak. In order to control the spread of the disease and perhaps prevent infection of the general population, the government wants to put the 4400 back in quarantine, and not just the ones who are getting sick, but all of them.

Diana and Tom aren't sure that is the answer, especially since Maia and Alana (who looked mighty fine in capri pants at the beginning of the episode, making me reconsider my calls for an all-out ban and the damned things) are both 4400s, and the people they probably care about more than anybody else in the world. Well, maybe Tom loves Kyle more, but you get the picture. Nevertheless, they know their orders, and they go about the job convincing the 4400 to come back voluntarily to quarantine. They've got 12 hours before the government turns voluntary into "forced."

As you might imagine, the 4400s have quite a different idea of this "request" from the government. Let's be honest, whenever a government, including the US, says they want to round up some people and keep them for their own safety, you have to be a little suspicious. Despite some initial hesitation, even the people at the 4400 center agree that people should go in, with one caveat. Richard, who was appointed leader since Shawn is too sick to do much of anything, says that the healthy should not go in. This doesn't sit well with NTAC, and when the deadline passes, Ryland sends everybody to the 4400 center in order to set an example. Problem is, there are no 4400s there.

Right as things started really getting crazy, Richard and Lily discovered that crazy daycare lady really was doing secret experiments on Isabelle. They are about to storm out of there, but Richard realizes they can't try to run again. He and Matthew agree on a plan for the 4400s who don't want to go into internment. Jordan left many safehouses as part of the foundation. They liquidated some assets of an emergency slush fund, and decided to wait out whatever was coming there. Using secret transmissions, or actually, just e-mail, they will direct any other 4400s to the safehouses. Seriously, e-mail? I give them, oh, one week before they are caught, probably in enough time for the season finale!

Despite all of the assurances, Lily is still worried about Isabelle. So what if the 4400 doctors discovered she had connections in her brain never seen before, the baby is probably no longer safe for Richard. Thinking things through like she always does, Lily gives Isabelle to her ex-husband. It's not like he would be the first place NTAC would look for the missing baby, or that Isabelle had tried to kill her half-sister or anything. Can't wait to see how that one turns out.

The fact of the matter is that there was actually a very high compliance of 4400s coming in. Why is it so necessary to get everybody to come along? Surprise, surprise! It turns out our government wasn't being honest about the 4400. Ever since the 4400 returned, the government has been giving them drugs. One side effect is that the 4400s lose their powers (at least those that have manifested some ability). The other side effect is that it makes their immune systems worthless, and so they are vulnerable to this flu. As you also might have guessed, NSA wasn't exactly forthcoming with this information. Diana and Tom figured it out by stealing medical records and having them looked at by Kevin Burkhoff, the ex-crazy 4400 who is also a genius neurosurgeon. That's right, it was the government who made them sick. And in a level of multilateral collaboration we haven't seen since, well, ever, all of the governments of the world were giving this to their 4400s.

What do you think? How will Mommy's bosses pay? Will the 4400 get their powers back? Can't Isabelle just melt the brains of all the enemies and be done with it already?

Posted by at 12:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

By EdHill

When last we left the Stars of Kill Reality, E!'s hottest new reality show (after the amazing Taradise), everyone was acting like an idiot and purposely creating overblown and fake drama for the cameras. Suffice it to say, this week picks up exactly where we left off. After last week's realization that I came too late to the show and missed bug-eyed Toni completely, I was skeptical that I could get into this show at all. Imagine having everyone tell you how great Big Brother is and you then decide to watch it when the only people left in the house are Maggie, April and Ivette. Luckily we have Tonya to pick up the crazy slack.

Last week's episode was punctuated by three, count em three, health problems by Tonya. She had conjunctivitis, a bruised cornea, and hives. She also had chlamydia and Herpes Simplex 9 but thankfully kept that on the DL. This week's show starts with Trishelle finding a love note from Tonya's ex boyfriend lying open on a dresser in the main bedroom. Now before I even describe this, let me just assure all of you that yes, I am fully aware Tonya left this out on purpose so someone could find it and read it, and then she could freak out about it all to create fun reality TV. The more I watch this show, the less I believe a second of it. But hey, go with the flow. So Trishelle reads the note out loud to everyone at the breakfast table, and it's your typical mushy letter. We get phrases like "Our love is deep and true" and how she "has his heart" (yet apparently the vagina is on a first-come first-serve basis). It's all pretty dull until they get to the P.S. That's where the dude gets all freaky-deaky and talks about how he wants to lick something that's pulsating and possibly have something inserted somewhere. I'm not sure as the bleeps were in overdrive. C'mon E!, it's expanded cable at 10 PM. If the censors don't have a problem with letting images of Tara Reid's deformed stomach get through, how much of a leap is it to have the words "pulsating nipples" slip by? Speaking of which, during the recital of the letter, we hear Jenna Lewis saying "you can't help picking on somebody that sets herself up as much as Tonya does." Oh thank you Jenna, I agree wholeheartedly. When someone just sets themselves up for ridicule, you can't blame people for mocking them. Ahem… PORN STAR!! SLUT!! HO BAG!! I even went online last night and looked at it, and you're a BAD porn star. It's like watching my aunt have sex. You kiss your kids with that mouth? Because after what I seen you put in it, maybe you need a little Listerine first. Yeah. I went there.
 
Later that morning, most of the cast goes out for the day for some fun. And by fun I mean the reality show summer 2005 cliché. Retarded people bowling. Sure, the cast isn't "technically" retarded, but that's just because they haven't been tested yet. Any person who thinks an Upper Decker is the "greatest prank in the history of pranks" is also the kind of person who needs to wear a helmet to keep from hurting himself. And if that doesn't convince you, Jonny is wearing knee socks. Case closed. Tonya has another one of her moments and refuses to join them and instead stays home. Which is probably a good thing since with her immune system, she'd probably get Typhoid or Lockjaw or something from the bowling shoes. Come to think of it, Lockjaw would be perfect, since it's not exactly an uncomfortable position for her. It soon becomes clear that Jonny and Tonya's "relationship," which consists of them occasionally screwing and her freaking out and being a psycho, is the main topic of conversation with everyone in the house. Since all this talk has brought out the "sad" Jonny Fairplay, Jenna takes it upon herself to try and give him some relationship advice. That's right; Jenna the porn star who married a 21-year-old model for 3 months is dishing out relationship advice. Color me skeptical. Don't get me wrong, if I ever needed advice on executing a good DP reverse cowgirl with a reach around on some chick, she's my go-to gal. It's just that when it comes to relationship advice, I'm not sure she's on solid footing there.
 
The next morning is Trishelle's first day of shooting. And she's optimistic. "I never thought that I would see myself doing a horror film," she says. You are not alone, Trishelle. You are not alone. It becomes apparent quite soon that Trishelle's acting ability is not all it's cracked up to be. And remember we're filming a crappy horror movie that not even the producers are taking seriously. A good example of this is when she does a scene where she needs to fire a gun, and when she pulls the trigger makes the "psh psh" noise of a gun going off as she's doing it. The interviews with both the director and producers that accompany this little moment are full of at least 3 different polite euphemisms for "her acting sucks ass." Things like "she's certainly got enthusiasm" or "she's having trouble staying in the moment." And on top of all this, we now learn she doesn't want to do a nude sex scene. When talking about her sex scene, she refers to it as having "relations with a guy."  Trishelle, the girl made famous 3 ways: banging celebrities, posing for Playboy, and going topless for Ron "The Hedgehog" Jeremy in the Surreal Life , calling sex "relations with a guy"? Hey, at least she didn't call it "making love."

Of course removing the nudity from the equation would make it so all her scenes would play like the non-sex portions of a porn movie, with nothing to fast forward to. Why is she here again? I am then forced to remind myself that this is a reality show. Fake drama reigns supreme. What are the chances that Trishelle's newfound "non-nudity" position is a ploy for fake drama and screen time? Yup that's right, within 5 minutes she signs the contract, and it's time for her one saving grace: Trishelle's ta-ta's.  During the scene we hear the voice of "Bachelor Bob" Guiney (with whom she is sharing the scene) talk about how he wants to be respectful of Trishelle. This immediately sets my Gaydar tingling. In fact, he uses the term respectful in relation to Trishelle 4 times within the space of 10 seconds. That's gotta be a record.
 
Back in the Neverland Ranch that is the Cast House, Tonya's eternal fight for screen time continues with even more of the Jonny Fairplay issue. She's upset that he's told people that they are banging. She thinks that it should be a private thing between them. The entire time she's saying this she's wearing a shirt that says "If it swells, ride it." This doesn't help her case. I once tried to convince a girl I met in a bar that I wanted to really get to know her as a person and that we have a real connection, all the while wearing my "It ain't gonna suck itself" t-shirt. It had the same effect. Add in the fact that they just read a letter aloud about how much she loves to have something on her boyfriend pulsing, it's just not her finest hour.
 
Not one to be outdone, Jenna decides to get in the middle of it all. During a night of filming she walks up to Jonny and taps him on the shoulder hello. Actually, what she really did was walk up behind him and dry hump hello. It must be a porn star rule or something. The whole thing makes me wonder if her kids go to the same day care as Frances Bean. Oh to be a fly on the wall in that room. What follows next is yet another overblown fake series of confrontations and screaming fits. Jenna confronts Jonny, who is upset, so Jenna confronts Tonya, who tells her to check herself before she wrecks herself (figuratively speaking), then Tonya confronts Jonny and they both start the F-you screaming fits. It's all quite monotonous and extremely fake and contrived. At one point during this long 20 minute screaming fit, Tonya accuses him of saying something to her, which he denies saying, and she comes back with the response "I know verbatim what you said because I wrote it down." Let that sink in for a minute. Cold. Stone. Psycho. Then, as soon as the thing started, it's over again. Now they are both getting along and Jonny Fairplay is back to dazzling us once again with his "You might be a Redneck if.." style of humor by deciding to whack bags of potato chips with a wiffle bat, and then they go upstairs and have sex.

Posted by at 4:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (18)

Continuing my theme of useless J-Unit information you probably aren't interested in but will read anyway because it is still more interesting than what's happening in your office, I would like to take a moment to plug the new HBO Original Series Rome. I was very nearly a Classics minor in college, but the fact that I had no interest in Latin as a language hindered me a bit. I figured why in the hell should I worry about translation when plenty of other people have done the work, and with much more attention to detail than I could have mustered after three games of pong? I would have done Greek and Roman Studies, but the class schedule would not work out with my major, anthropology. Undaunted, I took as many of those classes in Reed Hall as possible. And ask all of those girls who have fallen for my words from Pliny and Livy, I am a better man for it. (Actually, if you can find somebody who can read that last sentence and not laugh at how miserable it sounds, let me know.)

But back to the main point. The series brings viewers to the tumultuous time of ancient Rome, towards the end of the republic when fools like Cato and Pompey were running things. Caesar had just conquered the Gauls, and he was about to put the smack down on Rome as well. After some civil war and lots of fighting around the Mediterranean (including a little stop in Egypt for some Macedonian tail in the form of Cleopatra), he was named dictator for life, and then promptly got a nice little shiv (actually more than 20) from his friends in the Senate. All of that eventually led to the rise of the Roman Empire.

Normally, I would be loathe for any network to take on such an epic story (Armande Asante in The Odyssey, anyone?), but HBO is a network that could pull it off. Will it be historically accurate? To an extent, I am sure it will be, but this is television, so don't expect any miracles. Will it be entertaining? Let's be honest, it can't be worse than Alexander. You should at least check a few episodes before it starts getting spanked by Desperate Housewives.

If you are interested in the series, there is a 30 minute preview at AOL and a 10 minute behind-the-scenes at Yahoo!. Barring any unforeseen change of events or piles of money, there won't be any TVgasm recaps on Rome since you can already read what happens in, you know, books. Rome premieres this Sunday, August 28th, at 9PM Eastern, 6PM Pacific.

Posted by at 3:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

• Martha Stewart's daughter will serve as an advisor on The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. However, still no word on what role her prison bitch will play. [AP]


• Martha better bring in big numbers for NBC because they're pretty much screwed. [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]


• But don't worry, Peacock. PBS is struggling too! [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]


• Okay, okay. Things aren't all bleak for NBC. The Weitz Brothers (American Pie, About A Boy) have signed a two year pact with NBC Universal Televisions Studios -- or "NUTS" as Variety affectionately calls it. [Variety]


• The Los Angeles Times tries to go all Virginia Heffernan-ish by calling the cast members of Rockstar: INXS "great cultural anthropologists." It's funny. I always thought Dave Navarro was the next Levi-Strauss. [Los Angeles Times]


• Oh, and by the way, no one's watching TV this summer -- except the people who have suddenly made Navy NCIS a top-ten show. WTF? [Los Angeles Times]


• Hey Middle America, get ready to vote! Here's a HILARious contest just for you! [AP]

Posted by at 1:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

It's not often that I appeal to the readers of TVgasm for help. Sure, I did ask for help getting a date with Tyra, and I guess people thought it was a joke, because nobody has taken the time to help me write a letter to win Tyra's heart. Perhaps people just don't like me, which is fine, but you will win a beautiful Emmy screener, completely unused. I bet I could even get B-Side to sign it if that makes it any more exciting.

Now the opening paragraph has absolutely nothing to do with the actual purpose of this post, which is to highlight a series of annoying phone messages I have been receiving lately. A woman on the other end, certainly elderly, almost assuredly speaks English as a second language, calls my cell phone and asks to speak with Maureen. I tell her that I am not Maureen, and that there is no Maureen around, because it is a cell phone, not a land line. She insists that she has the right number, asks me again if my name is Maureen, or perhaps Monique. I then confirm my number and tell her she must have written it down incorrectly.

Now, as I said before, this is an elderly woman, and I don't want to make fun of her, because I am sure she is a nice grandmother and makes her grandkids snickerdoodles and ginger snaps, but these messages are distracting. If you know Lily, could you tell her that I don't know Maureen? Thanks.

Oh, I almost forgot, for the audio clip, click here.

Posted by at 11:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

What a strange beast Big Brother is. It can make us so happy and optimistic that good will prevail in the universe, and then a heartbeat later dash all our hopes, leaving us with nothing but a dystopian view of our miserable future. Such was the case tonight (and to be fair, at the end of Saturday as well) when Beau-Beau won HOH and once again lit a fire under our favorite alliance, the Sovereign Six (or Sovereign Three, really). All in all, it was a fairly humdrum episode, made interesting only by the continued idiocy that has become a trademark of The Friendship. But hey, at least the Cappy shrine made a triumphant return, and that's always got to count for a few laughs.

Tuesday night's episode began with the triumphant eviction of Little Jennifer, the one-time wallflower and current public enemy #1. The Friendship, of course, took the loss roughly, with tears and hugs had by all. James, however, didn't care. "Clears up a cot," he noted dryly. April, on the other hand, had a much more emotional response. "Hugging her goodbye was so hard," she explained as we watched her blubbering face bid Jennifer adieu. Why so emotional, April? After all, according to you, you guys didn't even know each other! Right? Right??

Perhaps the most prescient response came from Howie of all places as he told the outgoing cheerleader, "See you next week, Jen!" Who knew that his little joke might be coming true? Of course, since this was Howie we were talking about, he immediately followed up his comment with a typically naive statement in the diary room: "The house is gonna be a little safer." For about ten minutes at least. Yes, that's because our favorite personal shopper won Head of Household, and sadly, we had to watch the whole competition outcome all over again. Why must we relive these painful memories, Big Brother? Why? It was all I could do to not turn the channel while Beau shrieked and squealed like a balloon animal slowly losing air (can we call him Beau-loon now? Eh, might not have enough bite to it).

Of course, all of America felt their hearts sink as it became readily apparent that Beau would be nominating one of our faves. There was no point in even creating misdirection. Beau has been a steadfast follower of the Cappy order, and as far as we could tell, the only independent thoughts that've exited his mouth have been the frequent utterances of "Oh my god!!" As a result, all of Kaysar's depleted alliance felt the bullseyes on their backs, especially Janelle who noted, "I feel like I'm kind of a huge target because I think I told all of America that he's basically a raging alcoholic and a male prostitute posing as a personal shopper." If it makes her feel any better, we still hate him. And by the way, since it's looking a bit grim in the Kaysar Klan department, why don't we take out our aggression on the CBS polls. Everyone go over there and give everyone in The Friendship a big, fat 1 in the popularity poll. That way, when these dolts exit the house with half a million bucks, they'll at least have their happiness dampened by the knowledge that America can't stand them.

Having the Best Week Ever though was Ivette who happily bounced around in the food storage room. Sadly, this also constituted her exercise regimen for the week. Anyway, she was on cloud nine that her little Beau-vine had won HOH, and unsurprisingly, he was psyched too. After all, now he could get revenge on Kaysar's group for causing him to break out in icky "stress pimples", not to be confused with his "stress anal herpes".

In the Gold Room, Rachel and Howie had a little picnic amidst the piles of laundry (or "stress laundry", as Beau calls it). The two finally admitted that they hadn't played the game so well in the recent weeks. "We made some critical, critical errors," bemoaned Rachel. "I take it all the way back to your HOH." EXXXXXXACTLY!!!! Hey Rachel and Howie: do you hear that? It's the sound of America screaming, "WE TOLD YOU SO!!!" Oh, I could shake you! I ought to just walk right down to your sound stage and somehow launch a paper airplane into your backyard with a simple note that says, "Thanks for ruining summer, HOWIE!"

If it's any consolation, there was some mild satisfaction in watching Howie and Rachel eat a fresh batch of humble pie. "We played a bad game," Howie and Rachel reiterated. Yes you did! I mean, how am I supposed to stand here as a blogger and accuse The Friendship of being idiots when you guys are the ones bumbling left and right? Do you realize all the holes in my argument you've created??? I expect apologies! Not you, Janelle. You're always a-okay in my book.

"I can't handle it if any one of them wins," said Janey, subtly implying the demise of her alliance. Listen, no one will be more hurt than the loyal readers of TVgasm. I can guarantee you that.

Janelle expresses her frustration through spontaneous Kabuki theater.

So anyway, with Beau newly installed as HOH, it was time for the household to check out his room. This of course necessitated me lowering the volume on my TV in anticipation of the general Friendship cacophony that results from Beau's squealing and Ivette's 150 decibel shouting. Sure enough, Beauvette erupted into the whirlwind of grating noise we had so deeply feared, and as Hearing-Aid stock shot through the roof, we saw that our new HOH had received, as usual, a basket full of snacks (omg), a CD (OMG), pictures of the fam (OMG!!), pictures of his dog Peanut (OMG!!! OMG!!!), and lastly, a slab of rock with the word "Love" glued to it (OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!! SQUEAL SQUEAL!!! OMG OMG!!). Yes, this was Beau's Love Rock, a symbolic piece of tschotchke that had unsurprisingly found its way into Beau's heart. "The foundation of our house, the rock that we live on, is love," he explained. It should also be noted that that rock costs $1.50 in the Duty Free shop of LAX.

WELL, once the Kaysar Klan had put in its perfunctory appearance, then the real Friendship fun began. In marched Ivette with beddings and mattresses and an extra heap of idiocy. You see, whenever these Friendship slumber parties take place, somebody's gotta bring Cappy's picture. Just when we thought the moronic deification of this hot-headed, sanctimonious jerk had simmered down, the shrine returned with all its cheesy fanfare. Maggie and Ivette actually conferred over how and where the shrine should stand, imparting such gravity to this ritual that I thought I may be watching cultists. Or at least 5-year-olds playing "House".

"Cappy's picture always comes up to the HOH room," explained Ivette. Not coming up to the HOH room: BRAINS.

Later, a semi-contrite Howie made meager attempts to apologize for his actions last week. When Ivette noted that everyone had kept their composure throughout the game, Howie insisted, "I kept my composure. Just for a couple of minutes I lost it a little bit." Yeah, just a smidge. But hey. I'm not complaining.

"Hurricane Howie... he's always simmering out there over the Pacific," Howie told us. Hey, Mr. Meteorology Student. Hurricanes are only in the Atlantic, jerk. Err, actually, I guess I'm wrong. A quick consultation with Answers.com proves that despite all the wonderful facts I gleaned from my natural disasters class at Dartmouth, I clearly am out of date with my hurricane definitions. My apologies, Sir Howie. (But you still f*cked up this game).

Well, as nominations approached, it seemed like a foregone conclusion that one of Kaysar's allies would be going up on the chopping block. Or was it? Maggie suddenly was gunning for James again, and for a brief moment, I thought we might get a break. Either way, we watched as Beau deliberated which keys to pull from the wall, and this would have been interesting and stuff, but, um, how you remove the keys from the wall doesn't really affect the game. JUST TAKE THEM OUT!

Anyway, after the typical keys-in-the-box routine, everyone finally gathered around, and I couldn't help wondering when Big Brother would downsize its table. Surely it should have happened by now, right? (These are the things I fret about on humdrum Friendship episodes). Well, after Beau announced that the nominations were 75% strategy and 25% personal, everyone pulled their keys from the box (James was safe. So much for that misdirection), and ultimately, Howie and Rachel were put up for eviction.

At this point, Beau launched into a speech that really didn't make much sense. "In the past, in the Cappy days..." he started. Collective groan. These people talk like it was the Pax Romana. Don't they realize that the "Cappy Days" were marred by fighting, sexual harassment accusations, and flagrant backstabbing? Actually, the Cappy Days ain't half bad, now that I think about it.

Nevertheless, Beau continued. He said he put up Howie because he was too much of a threat. As for Rachel, he explained that in the beginning (the Cappy Days), she had been "gray". But now, "after the past couple of weeks, it's very apparent that you are very pitch black and very stark white." Uh, a point please? What does that even mean? I mean, if the situation has become black and white, I understand that. But if she's become black and white, am I to assume there's some sort of zebra logic here that I'm completely missing out on? I guess so because the speech suddenly came to a halt after that declaration. I'll just assume it was a zing and wait for the explanation on Thursday's live show.

In response to the nominations, Rachel asked, "Does that make me 25 or 75?" Beau said that he felt she was a strong competitor, which is why he put her on the chopping block, causing Rachel to hug him and say patronizingly, "Thank you!" Such passive aggression yielded chuckles here in the TVgasm offices. But in the Big Brother compound, Rachel's actions were received with nothing but indignation from Miss Manners herself, Ivette. "You SARCASTIC WENCH!" she screamed in the Diary Room. "You miserable old HAG!" Settle down! She didn't even do anything. Besides, technically, Beau zinged Rachel first (even though it made no sense). She had every right to rebut. But this Spicy Latina (whom Everyone Loves, right?) was already pissed off. Ivette and the gang met in the gym (or food closet, I don't remember) and began making fun of Rachel. "She's such a miserable, aging woman," said Ivette, the miserable, widening woman. She also mocked Rachel's "horse face" and accused her again of being sarcastic. To be fair, Rachel was only being phony, insincere, and passive-aggressive -- not sarcastic. Ivette, on the other hand, was being loud, brash, and stupid. Oh, and we can add hypocritical onto that list too. After all, just moments later, The Friendship reconvened outside where Ivette insisted, "She gets SO NASTY! She gets SOOO NASTY!" I guess, Ivette, we'll just pretend you didn't say that whole "horse face" thing two seconds ago. And let's not forget that Rachel was the one person last week trying to calm down Howie and Janelle. But whatever. She really does get so nasty, what with her pitch blackness and stark whiteness and such.

After Ivette had sufficiently bashed Rachel (she's already nominated. Way to kick someone when she's down, geesh!), The Friendship then turned its focus on Beau and his simply wonderful speech. "You were perfect," stated Ivette proudly. It's true. He was perfect, assuming his goal was to present a speech that made NO SENSE!

Maggie then did a play-by-play: "Every color you gave her was such a cut-down. You called her shady gray... Then you called her... pitch black. And then stark white." Zing, zing, and ZING! That black & white bit was priceless! Hey, what do you call a black and white cookie with long hair? Rachel!!! Get it? Get it? Neither do I, but The Friendship thinks it's HILARious!

Meanwhile, in the Gold Room, James paid lip service to Howie et al. by saying that he wanted to win Head of Household next week and then whisper in April's ear, "You're going up next." Everyone enjoyed the idea (especially the viewers, I'm sure), but Howie suggested a simple blindsiding instead. I don't care how it's done, just take out The Friendship. PLEASE. Unfortunately, there's been a bit of an assumption that the power will conveniently fall back into the hands of the Anti-Friendship, and while that would be nice, let's not automatically assume Thursday will work out that way. After all, this back-and-forth has been purely coincidental. And judging by my luck, Ivette will wind up as HOH. Man, that would be rough.

Anyway, at long last, the dining room table shrunk to a smaller bite-size, and as they do every year, the house guests all marveled at their new piece of furniture. Man, I always miss that lazy susan. But what's worse is when this new table gets swapped out for that awkward four-person piece of junk later on. I have yet to see a household that doesn't have forced conversation around that thing.

Well, the house guests, especially Janelle, congratulated themselves for making it so far in the game, and then it was finally time for the veto competition. Surprisingly, Beau picked James (and to think, I always thought Beau loved the backdoor), Howie chose Janelle, and Rachel selected April. As for the competition, it was fairly straightforward. Various pontoons with house guests' faces on them floated in the pool, attached to a grate underwater. People had to to detach the floats and place them in one of two columns (think Connect Four), being sure that each horizontal pair represented a secret partnership in the house. It actually was a pretty simple challenge (my wordy description does it no justice). Anyway, the person with the fastest time and all the correct pairs would win the veto.

Anyhoo, Howie went first, swam around, lost his breath, and yada yada yada, his time was 6:20. More successful was James who employed a decent strategy and wound up with a time of 5:47. Next up and wearing a dumb, frilly, granny bikini was April, a.k.a. the anti-Michael Phelps. Recoiling from the water as if she were the Wicked Witch of the West (which she might be), April was a full-on disaster during this challenge. Not only was she inept at swimming and going underwater, but she managed to stumble and fall of a little staircase about two or three times. I guess I shouldn't make too much fun. I would never expect half her effort from any other 78 year old.

It's been years since April put on her bikini.

Well, April clocked in at a lengthy 9:46, and next up was Beau whose clam digger pants he claimed were actually a bathing suit. I haven't seen too many bathing suits turn translucent the way Beau's did, but maybe that's because I'm just a crazy pitch-black/stark-white kind of guy. Nevertheless, Beau's final time was 6:37.

Up next was the Jiggly Show starring Rachel the Breasty. To be honest, I don't remember much about Rachel's tenure in the competition except that with nearly every step, her boobs not only bounced up and down like hyper marionettes, they also seemed on the verge of popping out altogether. Alas, she managed to keep her mammaries out of harm's way and ended with a time we'd later find out was 8:52 (CBS didn't tell us immediately. They wanted to build suspense).

Last, but never least in my heart, was Janelle who seemed to be speeding along, but as she went in for her last float, we caught a passing glimpse of the clock. I don't remember the precise time, but I knew there were about twenty five seconds left. This was going to be tight. Unfortunately, her last pontoon got stuck (it was Beau's, natch), and it became clear that she would certainly not beat James's time.

Later, we learned that Janelle's actually pulled off a time of 5:51, only four measly seconds behind James. Damn you, Beau pontoon!!! Had Janelle won that Veto (or POV, as the cool kids call it), I would have been ecstatic. Alas, it was not meant to be. Besides, what would a veto competition be without James winning it?

Well, everyone returned inside and holy moly! The dining room table was big again! That's a first! The producers actually moved the big table back in the house! What gives?

What's that you say? The producers were just manipulating the timeline again? Oh. Well, way to burst my Big Brother chronology bubble!

Anyway, as the show approached the end of the hour, we had our usual speculation about the veto. Janelle feared that James might use it, but we all knew he'd probably let the nominations stand. Nevertheless, it was eventually time for the big Veto Ceremony, and all the house guests gathered, chlorine-damaged hair and all. Janey in particular had the frizz going strong, for once dwarfing Maggie who I'm pretty sure soaks her hair in the backyard pool every morning. Well, surprising no one in particular, James elected not to use his veto, thus ensuring the permanent breakup of Rowie (or Howchel). "The girl scout troop would have gone nuts," explained James, thus adding yet another patronizing term (behind Nerd Herd) to the cluster of twits that make up The Friendship.

I'll be somewhat sad to see Rachel or Howie go, if only because it diminishes the chances that Janelle has of winning the big prize. More pressing for me is the Head of Household competition, a weekly tradition that seems to have taken on grave importance this year more so than any other. Viva la anti-Friendship!

Who do you think will get voted off? And who do you want to be the next HOH?

Posted by at 3:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (75)

I'm not sure how many episodes of The Surreal Life are remaining, but we must be getting near the end of the season. Heck, I hope so as I need to clear out a lot of TiVo space for the impending fall season. The sad part is that I have two dual input machines. Ahhhhh, sweet, sweet TV, I suckle at your cathode teat. With that in mind, I caressed my ergonomic remote control (I call him "Mr. Buttons" but you don't need to know that) and prepared for another half hour of Janice Dickenson being herself. That is, being a complete idiot.

The houseguests were roused at 7AM with no idea what was in store for them. Amid the grumbles and groans, Carey Hart grabbed the day's Surreal Times and learned they were all off to Vegas, baby. Without the "Vegas(t)" idea of why they were going there, they quickly packed for Sin City and clambered aboard a luxury bus. (I know that my use of "Vegas(t)" instead of "vaguest" wasn't funny or really all that clever. In fact, it was probably hard to decipher. However, I decided it was such a reach and so stupid that my inner editor left it in the recap. This reminds me, there is a job open for the position of my inner editor. Please send your resumes to my email address below. You must describe your ability to "get inside my brain" and control me like a marionette.)

Wow, that was random. Hey, with this show, I need filler. Like, seeing the nice luxury bus the show provided, I was reminded of "Missy Elliot's Road to Stardom" and how they gave the hopefuls the crappiest bus in history to drive around "on tour" in. I thought that was pretty cool. Okay, I'll stick to the show here on out. I promise. During the drive to Las Vegas, Omarosa drank way too much coffee and her giant gums just would not stop flapping. Like the rest of the world, she expressed amazement at the fact that she was featured in an E! "True Hollywood Story" last year. Gee willikers - I just checked and that THS was about ALL of the Apprentices, not just her. But why interrupt her delusions of grandeur? She went on to happily admit that she can't even go to the grocery store anymore without getting mobbed by "fans." Not content with leaving it at that, she bragged to everyone that she had signed with an agent and had many projects lined up. I'm sure this was scintillating to the busload of people who have all had agents and money for years. Even Balki was laughing at her. But behind the laughter were tears... Balki's life wasn't all laughs and big paydays; we'll explore his descent into depression and drug use after the break. (How's that for a THS segue?)

After teasing the gang with a glimpse of the Strip, the bus veered south to an out-of-the-way baseball field. As it turned out, the gang would be playing softball against an unknown team. After their last experience in a similar sporting event set-up, I'm sure they were all thinking the same thing: "Please Dear Lord, not more retarded kids." A stretch hummer arrived and their opponents spilled from its cavernous confines.

We all know how B-Side loves the travel maps

The most amazing and (dare I say) surreal part of the entire episode was the fact that Janice was actually eager to play ball. This left everyone speechless and wondering which drugs she accidentally took that morning. Another oddity occurred when Omarosa stared at a shirtless (and unfortunately, braless) Jose Canseco and stated in her most sultry voice, "My word, what steroids can do to a body - Mmmmm-mmm!" Yes, they can turn retired baseball players into pudgy broken-down spousal abusers with C cups. Whatever floats your boat, Omarosa, whatever floats your boat. The winning team would win $5000 in chips for the Palms casino and a night's stay in the infamous Real World suite. I feel badly for The Palms as word is that they've finally just identified and killed off the various fungi and bacteria from Trishelle's stay in the suite. Now they would have to start from scratch again after Janice's stay, should her team win. Sigh... Whores... You gotta love 'em - everyone else has!

To be fair, Janice actually has a decent arm and throwing motion. Balki, on the other hand, proved himself to be the most unathletic, uncoordinated dork since... Well, put it this way; he was worse (much worse) than fake Dolly Parton and fake Tina Turner. Can Balki do anything that isn't painful to watch? He's a social misfit, a sexually immature buffoon, and a gawky fool - and his bald spot ain't helping either. And next episode, we get to see him rub his boner on Caprice's backside... I kid you not. Folks, this is why TV was invented. The game itself came down to the last inning and the last at-bat. The wind up... The pitch... The swing... It's a hit to shallow left field! Carey Hart is racing under it with the sun in his eyes! He stumbles... He gathers his balance...he... He... Caught the ball! THUHHHHHH Surreal Lifers win! THUHHHHHH Surreal Lifers win!

If that weren't exciting enough, after the game it was revealed that fake Jose was actually Jose's very real twin brother. The doppelgangers bonded by comparing bacne, shriveled testes, and kidney failures. It was all very heartwarming and quaint, but the cast had to move on to The Palms to party the night away. After everyone got dolled up and hit the club, everyone began drinking and dancing. One person, however, was in heat and began the now weekly tradition of completely embarrassing herself in one way or another. Yes, Janice Dickenson the old slutty hag, was on fire for Jose's bat and balls, so to speak. Wearing a too-short skirt (exposing her ample thigh bruising), she proceeded to dole out unwanted lap dances to the slugger who stared off into space, wishing he could be anywhere but downwind of this skank's coochie-coo. After he finally saw his escape and went for it, Janice moved her sloppy used-up vagina onto Balki's thigh. Now, when Balki is not excited by your overt sexual advances, you know it's time to give it up. That dude would bang a jack-o-lantern.

"Ugh," he coughed as he pushed The World's First Supermodel away from him. "She's got a plastic vagina," Balki said to the camera. That is just such a weird insult I can't think of anything to add to it, so I'll leave it at that. In fact, I'm going to leave you with that final image, just to give you something to think about during your next meal.

Bon Appetit!

Posted by at 12:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

It's really hard to find good help these days, don't you think? That's about the only way I can explain what is happening in Battlestar Galactica. Commander Adama is desperate for anybody; he pretty much ignored the complete incompetence of Colonel Tigh when it came to ruling Galactica when he was incapacitated. As for President Roslin, she is enlisting the help of Tom Zarek, who was put in prison for terrorism, was the mastermind behind a revolt on the prison ship, tried to overthrow the government, and is now her biggest ally, other than Lee Adama, that she has in the world. With all of the idiots and traitors responsible for the existence of humanity, it's actually very surprising that the Cylons haven't been able completely wipe them out.

When President Roslin made her spiritual plea to take the fleet to Kobol, 18,000 people on 24 ships left with her, about a third of the fleet. Adama isn't really concerned about the people who left, his main concern is how he is going to run the rest of the society when they lost all of the mining and manufacturing that went along with those 24 ships. If the people who left die because of the Cylons, so be it.

As for the confederates, they have made their home the Astral Queen, which I though was the name of a porn movie, but I guess I could be wrong. Everybody is at Kobol, so now what to do? What if the Galactica comes back and blows everybody away? What if there are Cylons on the planet that are waiting to kill them? A lot of this whole plan depends on Starbuck getting back in one piece, so how long do they wait for her before deciding she got torn apart by a bunch of Cylons?

To answer the first question, it's not hard to figure out what would happen if Galactica wanted to fight. They would come in, destroy anybody who resisted, and be on their way. If they wanted to do that, they probably would have already tried. Besides, why would Commander Adama bother? Without Galactica, just a few Cylon ships could take out most of the breakaway fleet. The real problem was on the surface of Kobol. There were some weapons aboard, but most people aren't skilled soldiers. Luckily for Roslin, the prophecy says that any return to Kobol will have a cost in blood. So if people were skittish, they aren't true believers and should just jump back to Galactica.

Well, that bit of reverse psychology works and now the only real question is when the hell Starbuck is going to get her ass back to Kobol. Almost on cue, an unidentified ship is detected, and although we are almost sure that it is Starbuck and Helo, everybody has an itchy trigger finger including Zarek's new buddy Meier, being played by James Remar. Meier wants to shoot it down, and I say OK, just as long as we don't have to look at your package. Just as Meier is about to send the signal to fire, we here Starbuck's voice over the radio. Phew! That was close.

Now we know this is going to be a happy reunion. In comes Kara, and there is Lee to plant a smooch on her. There is Helo. Hey, good to see you aren't a deformed mess and your insides haven't melted from the radiation. And look, there's Boomer! Uh oh. Everybody knows that Boomer is a Cylon, and even though this Boomer was not the Boomer that put the boom down on Commander Adama, Apollo still thinks that she should put the boom down on her. Besides, they can't trust a Cylon. He puts a gun to her head, which of course causes Helo to put a gun to Apollo's head, and everybody else in the room puts up their guns for good measure.

Helo is trying to convince Apollo that his Valeri was the only reason they were alive. Roslin agrees, and says they should all put down their weapons. Everybody agrees, and Roslin says to put Valeri in the airlock and let her go. Oooh, she's one tricky woman. They are just about to throw her out of the airlock, when Boomer is able to convince them to hold off. She can help them get to the tomb of Athena, because she knows where it is. All of the Cylons are programmed with inherent knowledge of the scriptures. And even though Roslin thinks Sharon may be lying, and it may all be a trap, she believes that somewhere inside of her, Boomer is actually in love with Helo, and even if her love is just software, they can use that to her advantage.

So, times are so desperate, Roslin is going to welcome the aid of a Cylon. How are things going on Galactica? Well, they need a person to take over for Apollo's duties in the fleet. In his job as CAG, he ran all of the operations. Even when he was in jail, he was serving his time while doing all of his other duties in the fleet. CAG is a big responsibility, and the person who takes over must be a great leader and skilled as a pilot as well. Adama chooses an officer, largely without Tigh's input.Tigh complains, but why in the hell he is questioning anybody's judgement is beyond me. The first three or four episodes of the season showed us what a visionary he is. Maybe it takes a good leader to know a good leader, and Tigh is not a good leader.

Although this new guy means well, he is clearly a huge mistake waiting to happen. In weapons exercises, he nearly gets one of his pilots killed in a training exercise, and during a refueling mission, he is completely lost, and two huge ships collide, although nobody is hurt. Maybe this is one decision he should have asked for some help with.

The other big job is to keep Galactica and the rest of the fleet together. Adama keeps using the family metaphor and mentions how strongly he wants to keep the family together. He says this to the crew, to the press, to whoever will listen to him. The more he says it, the more you think he is trying to get himself to believe as well. The departure of the other ships has had a huge impact on the morale of the fleet, Commander Adama included.

On Kobol, the landing party has made it to the beginning of the path to the tomb of Athena. The President decided to go, and they brought Boomer in cuffs. Apollo nearly killed her while she was behind bars but Starbuck made it back. If there is anybody who wanted to kill Boomer, it was Kara, but since Boomer helped free her from a life that had a choice of a)death or b)artificial insemination from a cylon and post-partum death, she had to trust her for now. Starbuck was there, since she did bring the Arrow of Apollo, not to mention she was one of the only militarily trained people available. That goes for Helo, and, of course, Apollo.

Since their exile, Apollo has been the President's right hand man, and probably her choice to lead the fleet if she should die. The problem with that is that Tom Zarek still wants power. He was outsmarted by Roslin and lost the Vice Presidential election, but now that they are away from the rest of the fleet and he holds about as much control on the everyday lives of people as she does, he wants a little more. She is a figurehead, and very popular, so killing her is out of the question. Besides, she is dying anyway. Who he can kill, however, is Apollo, and with his friend Meier, they plan on finding a way to kill him while on Kobol.

The scriptures say the path to the Tomb of Athena is lined with graves. Roslin brought along Elsoha, the high-priestess since she knows the scriptures better than anybody else, and was the one who convinced the President of her destiny. As Elosha inspect a grave, it turns out to be booby-trapped. A land mine explodes, killing Elosha, and a bunch of Cylon centurions appear from the ridge above and start shooting. Luckily, the President also brought along a bunch of unnamed, anonymous members to Kobol, so they could be killed without too much explanation.

Now Zarek and Meier wanted some sort of excuse to cause some confusion so they could friendly fire Apollo, but there was no contingency plan if some centurions showed up to chew them new assholes, so they took cover with Roslin. Lee and Kara are pinned under another ridge, taking fire from centurions. Helo and Starbuck are firing away, but when Apollo sees that Boomer has made a run for it, he chases after her. He knows that her niceties were all an act, and that she would betray them. She probably knew about the booby trap, and is now making a run for it. As he gets closer, it is even worse. There is a rocket launcher near Elosha's body, and Boomer grabs it. Just as Apollo gets close she aims it at him and fires. Except she wasn't aiming at him, she was aiming over his shoulder, and took out the last of centurions. So now she kind of saved Apollo's life as well.

We finish the scene with a grieving Roslin, who takes the bloody book of Holy Scriptures from Elosha. Did she have that thing attached to a chain on her belt or something? The land mine sent her flying about 10 yards, but maybe the shrapnel missed the arm she was holding the scriptures like it conveniently missed making her face into a bloody pulp. Everybody's sad about who they lost, but really, it's not like you can go back now, right? The team on Kobol presses on. What I would like to know is why the Cylons even bothered having ambush parties there. Why not just have about a thousand of the bastards near the tomb? Eh, I guess if I started to worry about that, I would have to think about what would happen if a Cylon basestar decided to appear and destroyed the entire portion of the fleet that came to Kobol, and then people would suggest I watch some more authentic sci-fi (imagine that, more authentic fiction, whatever that means ) like Babylon 5 or something, and then I would be (even more) lame. So I just won't worry about it.

Back on Galactica, it looks like Commander Adama has regained enough motor function to take up his hobby of building model ships. Why do captains of sci-fi ships always have to be interested in history? They all have model ships and study napoleonic warfare and shit like that. Why can't any of these captains be interested in something us normal folk like? Why must it always be old boats (or airplanes for that matter)? Why can't their be a captain who likes video games or porn? Where is the guy who doesn't read during his off hours, but just naps on his couch in his boxers, watches James Bond on TBS and scratches his balls? Now that's the way to peel off stress.

But I digress (obviously), Adama is making his boat, and speaking to himself about rage and how it is tearing him up inside and he wants to explode. At this point, he is like those dudes who buy those two inch RPG characters and paint them by hand (no offense meant, I have friends like that who have actual wives and kids, but you are kind of whacked you have to admit). It turns out that the whole time Dualla has been sitting there, sort of listening. She is a petty officer, what I think is the lowest rank on the ship, but she finds it within herself to remind the Commander that it's not just Galactica that is a family, it is the whole fleet. The reason why people left was because he had promised that they would find earth together. The President still believes in that dream, while Adama used it as a way to coerce people into following early on.

So, shit is going to go down on Kobol. For the first time this season, the entire cast is going to be in one place. From the previews it looks like Boomer is going to go crazy Cylon again when Adama is near and try and take out Apollo as well. Would they really do a (near)death scene again? I am pretty sure they wouldn't, but the way things are going, you can never tell.

Posted by at 12:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

By EdHill

So Kill Reality is a show where they take a bunch of C-list wannabe-celebrity reality stars and have them live together and make a B-list horror film. This show has TVgasm written all over it. I mean what's more pathetic than a talentless reality star whore (cough..Omarosa..cough) trying to milk every inch of pseudo-celebrity they can until they are reduced to being at a grand opening of a Sizzler in Albuquerque? I'll tell you what's more pathetic. Giving them the illusion that there are people out there that think they have actual talent and then filming it. Kind of like the Ashlee Simpson show writ large. I mean, this has the potential to be as hilarious as Mad Mad House (Vampire Don, we miss you). But it could easily go a different way. There actually could be a semi-intelligent one in the bunch that will realize that the whole thing is a vehicle for us to mock them. Granted with reality stars this is a long shot, but it's a definite possibility. Luckily, the cast list is moron central...

 Jenna Lewis: For those of you that don't know Jenna Lewis, she won our hearts in Survivor as being the cute semi-MILFy single mom who cried hysterically when her "we miss you" video from her kids didn't make it to Jeff Probst in time. Awwww…
 
The 2005 version of Jenna married a 21 year old male model she just met, made a porno tape with him, pocketed 70% of the proceeds of said tape, and then divorced him 2 months later. Awwwwww..
 
Steven Hill from Real World Las Vegas: Writing about my twin brother Steven is uncomfortable; so I'll keep it short. He's mostly known as the cast member who had hot threesomes. It's sort of a family trait with us Hills.
 
Tonya Cooley from The Real World: Chicago (which I never saw): I know nothing about her except that her last name sounds like a euphemism for a woman's hoo-ha. That alone makes her my favorite.
 
Jonny Fairplay from Survivor: Pearl Islands: He made up the story about his grandmother dying. He's also well known for continuing the "unwashed smelly island" look up to the present day.
 
Reichen Lehmkuhl from The Amazing Race 4, the Cadillac of reality shows: He's a former Air Force Officer, which also obviously means he's gay (my Army friends would love that joke).
 
Trishelle Cannatella from The Real World: Las Vegas and The Surreal Life: She's most famous for taking the term "reality show whore" literally.
 
Trish Schneider from the Bachelor 5: Her main claim to fame according to the website is "stalking Bachelor Jesse" but her trademark is wrapping her cigarettes up on the sleeve of her t-shirts, much like her father Dwayne F. Schneider, former superintendent of an Indianapolis apartment building where he would help make sure Ann Romano and her daughters Julie and Barbara take it One Day at a Time.
 
Stacie J. Upchurch from The Apprentice 2: She was the one who got fired for being mentally unstable, yet I will always remember her as having her job description as " Restauranteur." They neglect to mention that that "restaurant" is a Subway sandwich shop in Harlem.
 
Bob Guiney from The Bachelor: He's known affectionately as "Bachelor Bob." But since I have no affection for him I refer to him as the "fat bachelor" who then lost 15 pounds and became the "manwhore Bachelor." Seriously. The man made it his mission to grope every bachelorette. OK, so maybe I have some affection for him.
 
Ethan Zohn from Survivor: Africa and Survivor: All-Stars: He's the newest Jewish heartthrob, finally stealing the title from Northern Exposure's Rob Morrow. Also, his hair drives me nuts.
 
Josh Souza from Big Brother 1: You know, the Big Brother that NO ONE watched. Suffice it to say I've never seen the dude before in my life.
 
Rob Cesternino from Survivor: Amazon and Survivor: All Stars: He's most known for being the dweeb who got played by the hot chicks on Survivor. Amazingly he wrote and is producing the horror film they are doing.
 
Unfortunately, Kill Reality is already 4 episodes in, and I am only watching it now. What can I say? The summer schedule is full of bad TV I need to watch. Besides I also had 22 hours of Veronica Mars to get through. So far what has happened is the movie has been cast, everyone is living together while filming, and everyone is doing their best to create fake drama so it'll give them screen time on the show. Same old, same old.
 
Episode 4 (ie. last week's ep, not this week's -- sorry, I'm a bit behind) starts off with Producer Rob trying to get bachelorette Trish Schneider to have her picture taken for what I believe is a publicity still. She's doesn't want to do it and gets all bitchy, and we cut to Stacie talking about how Trish doesn't put up with crap easily. Good. For a minute there I thought the people on this show would actually take the idea of making a movie seriously and stop the fake, overblown reality show drama. Project Greenlight this ain't. The movie, you see, is whats known in the movie biz as a MacGuffin; a simple plot device whose sole purpose is to drive the characters and plot forward.   Kind of like the "job" they give the cast of the Real World, or pretty much anything they tell the Surreal Lifers to do. Once you understand that the "movie" is an irrelevant plot device created to give these people something to do, the show becomes that much more palatable.
 
Back at the "Cast House" Reichen is talking with Trish about how he is being typecast applying for jobs on soaps because he's gay and women can't fantasize about having sex with a gay guy, whereas Reichen thinks it's bogus because acting is acting. His chances are further hindered by the fact that an audience also has a tough time fantasizing about a guy who can't act. And strike 3 would have to be the giant tattoo on his lower back that you only see on female strippers. That might take you out of the moment as well. This point is finally hammered home in the next scene where Tonya, who plays his love interest in the film, admits that there is no chemistry between them, partly because he's gay.
 
The next scene is a big disappointment for me as crazy bug-eyed Toni is leaving the show since her part has finished filming. Dammit. I loved bug-eyed maniac Toni from Paradise Hotel, and now I miss out on her completely? No sooner is she gone than Jenna Morasca shows up in the house. And we get a glimpse of crazy Jonny Fairplay's amazing sense of humor as he hides behind the door and then pops out and screams at her. Oh man that is SOOO funny! I have a feeling Jonny's got some Gallagher posters in his room, sitting right next to his ALF season one DVDs. Jonny then fills Jenna in on the goings-on in the house, specifically that Steven and Jenna are now dating. Yikes, from a 3 way with Trishelle to porn star Jenna. His genitals must look like Omaha Beach on D-Day.
 
Speaking of ravaged Genitalia, Tonya, who inexplicably had sex with greasy, unfunny Jonny Fairplay, is having her 323rd health crisis of the shoot. It seems that she's had a reaction to the eye makeup and her eyes are red and swollen. They take her to the doctor who tells her she has chemical conjunctivitis and gives her antibiotics. She then proceeds to go home, take the antibiotics and wash it down with a combo of straight vodka/beer/gin. The funny thing is they actually did a montage of her drinking all 3 of these. Who goes from vodka to beer to gin? Idiots, that's who. First rule of drinking, people. Liquor before beer, you're in the clear. Beer before liquor, never sicker. I knew this when I was 8.
 
Meanwhile, all is not right in Reichenland. It seems there is a throwaway line in the film where Jonny's character calls him a fag. And since Reichen is a "gay icon" as Jenna reminds us, this isn't right and must be changed. This marks the 24th fake-created drama of the day where we have to have side meetings with producers, and shots of a forlorn and crestfallen Reichen. I half expected a slow mo of a single tear streaming down his cheek, done in black and white, because that's tasteful and really brings out the emotion of the scene. Soon enough the decision is made and the line will be changed. Jonny says he will say call him something like a "crab napkin or piss pickle," thereby personally offending every member of the International Crustacean Society as well as every single employee of the Vlasic Food Corporation. But Reichen doesn't care about those people, does he?
 
Now that a paragraph has gone by its looks like it's time for another "Tonya Health Crisis." It seems that after taking the antibiotics and drinking straight vodka and gin, she is still sick. Hmmm, thats weird. And now she's getting upset because no one seems to be taking her seriously. Man, when reality show whores don't take you seriously? That has to hurt. Speaking of which, "Restaurateur"/"Subway Sandwich Artist" Stacie is packing up and leaving the cast house now that her part is done. Which is perfect because they just added the Chicken Monterey Jack Sandwich to the menu at Subway and they are gonna need all the help they can get. Subway. Eat Fresh! But don't fret readers, because everyone's favorite slut and future Janice Dickenson is here. Trishelle! And once she walks in the door, Jonny Fairplay turns his fantastic Yakov Smirnoff sense of humor into overdrive. We get a ten minute bit of Jonny Fairplay taking a dump in the upper tank of Steve and Jenna's toilet. This is whats known as an "Upper Decker." Jonny describes it as "the greatest prank in the history of pranks." This of course just proves my point that the dude has the worst sense of humor on the planet. A great prank is something like the Great Rose Bowl Hoax of 1961, or anything done by Prangstgrüp, or the assassination of Archduke Francis Ferdinand in 1914 (in your face, Austria!). Taking a  dump in someone's toilet tank doesn't really qualify. And of course he makes it even more annoying by announcing to Trishelle (Who felt the need to take a picture of it) that Steve and Jenna just got "Fairplayed." Kind of like in the morning when Jonny reaches for his soap but at the last second pulls away and declares that his soap just got "Fairplayed".
                              
Well, its been yet another paragraph so its time for a new "Tonya Health Crisis". This time she's got hives. It seems this woman has been bitten by every bug but the acting one. [rimshot!]  And on the day before her big sex scene with the amazingly gay Reichen.  What to do? That's it, complain for hours on end! She ends up cornering poor schlubby producer Eric Mittleman in he hall on his one night off and lays into him for what seemed like an hour. Tonya's tirade continues into the next day as she continues to be upset, saying if she hasn't been given enough rehearsal time, it will result in "sucky acting" (yeah I know what you're thinking, but its not gonna happen. I'm not going to make this joke. Some things are too easy even for me). The next day, Tonya's fears are realized as her sex scene with Reichen, which has now been changed at the last minute to a shower scene because of her hives, shows that they are no Tracy and Hepburn. This point is hammered home when Reichen complains about how he "had" to look at her boobs. Wow. Me and Reichen are very different people. The show finally wraps up with more Tonya rantings regarding Jonny and his close friendship with Trishelle. "I'm very territorial with the men in my life regardless of whether I am dating them" she says regarding her jealous freak-out about Jonny spending time with Trishelle. There's a better way to describe someone like this. It's called a cock blocker. I thought I experienced some great cock blocking in my life, but she's opened it up to a whole new level I never knew existed before.  Congrats.
 
As a nice dovetail to this we get a preview of next week's episode (or rather, last night's show) where Tonya's current boyfriend shows up and the cast steals one of his letters to her where he talks about putting something somewhere in her that's warm. Or something. its hard to tell as they were many bleeps involved. Oh, and Trishelle gets naked.  Again.

Posted by at 4:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

• Maria Menounos -- our favorite Latina-looking Greek -- has left Entertainment Tonight for Access Hollywood. Mary Hart, meanwhile, has left Entertainment Tonight for the plastic surgeon's office. [AP]


• CBS already has a TV movie in the works about the BTK killer. I'm sure network television will really do this story justice too... Is it me, or does "BTK Killer" sound like a new item at Burger King? [AP]


• Some guy is suing ABC because he claims he came up with the idea of Lost back in 1977 (a.k.a. when J. J. Abrams was 11 years old. Bastard!). The writer alleges that he came up with the idea of airplane survivors encountering strange things on an island. Sounds like a watertight case! Now, if you excuse me, I'm gonna go back to reading Lord of the Flies... [E! Online via Yahoo]


• FX orders third season of Rescue Me. Cool. [Mediaweek]


• Never underestimate the power of Middle America. Studies suggest that the new Jennifer Love Hewitt drama Ghost Whisperer will be a hit. Studies also suggest that people are IDIOTS. [Hollywood Reporter]


• Concerned about America's youth? Well, you should be. MTVu has introduced a potpourri of "celebrity professors" including Martha Stewart, Kanye West, Melissa Etheridge, and Deputy Israeli Prime Minister Shimon Peres. No word on whether or not college students might learn from the treasure trove of wisdom that is Sway. [Hollywood Reporter]

Posted by at 3:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

First off, let me apologize for not covering this weekend's SummerSlam PPV. There are a couple of reasons for this, not the least of which is the wife frowns upon my actually paying to watch wrestling. To make matters worse, after a sunny afternoon spent fence-building and beer-drinking, I was too summer-hammered to try and sweet-talk mrs. copygodd into letting me watch a PPV.

Okay, with that awkward admission of my whipped state out of the way, let's get to the recapping... As is usually the case following a big PPV, tonight's show began with more questions than answers: What would the fallout be from Hogan's defeat of HBK? Would winning his Olympic gold medal back mellow Kurt Angle any? Which wrestler would be the object of Coach's latest man-crush?

The biggest news from SummerSlam had to be Hulk Hogan's defeat of Shawn Michaels in a match the WWE had promoted as "Legend vs Icon". (Being a stickler for truth in advertising, I would've used something like "Bitch-Tits vs Born-Again," but that's just me.) Judging from the recap, it more than lived up to both billings, as the wily veteran tricked HBK into watching an episode of Hogan Knows Best, then simply waited for Michaels to nod off before pinning him.

HBK opened the show by admitting, sort of, that Hogan was indeed the better man the previous night. Just as he was hitting his stride, however, Chris Masters interrupted. Just as quickly, The Coach and Jerry "The King" Lawler started pitching a collective tent under the announce table. Taking the mike, Masters told HBK it's time for the old guys like HBK and Hogan to pass the torch. Presumably, to the younger guys like Masters, but since he never clarified his statement, he could've meant passing it to someone like Stephen Hawking or even Christopher Reeve for all we know.

Next up we're privy to a backstage circle-jerk between Chris Jericho and RAW general manager Eric Bischoff. Jericho immediately starts with the "I should've won last night" belly-aching, which Bischoff treated with the soothing relief of cherry-flavored "You deserve a rematch." Then, after a couple of manly hugs and a quick round of the Pepto-Dance, Bischoff unveiled his newest plan to strip the title from John Cena: the WWE's first-ever "You're Fired!" match! (Nothing like jumping on The Apprentice bandwagon three seasons after it's left the station. Next week Bischoff will probably announce the WWE's first-ever "Final Answer?" match...)

After the break, we're treated to a match between Kurt Angle and Shelton Benjamin. Both of these guys were All-American wrestlers in college, and Kurt Angle won a gold medal in the '96 Olympics (with a "broken friggin' neck!" I might add), so for this most part this was a real wrestling match. Of course, my favorite part wasn't found in the ring, but rather the following bit of banter between the King and good 'ol JR.
King: "The fat lady's warming up."
JR: "That fat lady's not singing, she's eating a donut."

After the break, we get a quick promo from Kirwan White. Kirwan used to wrestle on Smackdown as Chavo Guerrero, but when he moved to RAW he changed his character, saying he felt he wasn't getting any respect because he's Hispanic. In reality, however, he wasn't getting any respect because he sucks. He says he's now representing Middle Class America (ie: white folk), and signed off his promo with "If it's not white, it's not right." To show how in touch he is with White America, he also added "if it's mellow, let it yellow," and "if it's brown, flush it down."

In an effort to set up a little heat (and a lot of puns) for their upcoming match, the writers have Big Show catch Snitsky drooling over one of the Diva's feet. Big Show calls Snitsky a "toe-sucking pervert," prompting the Diva to ask Big Show, "What's a pervert?" Big Show then sighed and shot her in the face. (Well, at least that's what he'd have done if I were a WWE writer.)

Our next match pitted Matt Hardy against Rob "Look at Me" Conway. Prior to the bell, we were treated to a recap of last night's match between Matt and Edge, in which Hardy's face was cut so badly the fake ref actually had to stop the fake fight. In fact, Hardy's face was so bloodied he looked like he was wearing Ben Afleck's Daredevil mask. And yet, despite his obvious concussion and severe blood-loss, Hardy still made a more believable superhero than Ben. Unfortunately for RAW's Hampton, Virginia crowd, Matt hadn't quite recovered from last night's beating, and he quickly succumbed to the Con-Way. Edge then bumrushed the ring and proceeded to open Matt's face back up. Most amazing of all, however, was the fact that he and Lita did not tongue-kiss the entire night! Methinks there may be trouble in paradise...

Unfortunately for Carlito, Flair wasn't in a very talkative mood, and quickly tired of Carlito's insults. Carlito even tried to challenge Flair to a "Wooooo!"-Off, but Flair wasn't taking the bait. Once Carlito spit an apple in Flair's face, however, the 16-time World Champion and self-described "limo-riding, jet-flying, kiss-stealing, wheeling, dealing son-of-a-gun" tossed Carlito from the ring.Rather than simply kick Carlito's ass, however, Flair countered Carlito's "Woooo!-Off" idea with a challenge of his own: the WWE's first-ever "Dance-Off". Not really. But it did give me an excuse to make this:

One thing the WWE does well is creating advance promos for new wrestlers. Tonight was no exception, with our first intro to the team of Lance Cade and Robert Murdoch. One look at these guys in a bar drinking long-necks is all it took to convince me there's a new breed of white trash coming soon to a ring near you. Although Murdoch's promise that somebody was going to "squeal like a pig" certainly helped make their case.

Ashley, the 2005 RAW Diva Search winner made her official RAW debut a memorable one by leading the audience in a Q&A on "Quantum Non-Linear Sigma-Models and How They Pertain to String Theory, Conformal Field Theory and General Relativity". I wish. Instead, she just got the hell beat out of her by Torrie and Candice, prompting JR to ask, "What is this, some kind of prison movie?"

Finally, it was time for tonght's Main Event, the "You're Fired!" match between the Champ, John Cena, and the corporate stooge, Chris Jericho. Cena had just defeated Y2J last night at SummerSlam, making this his second title defense in less than 24 hours. As usual, Jericho cheated, and Bischoff took every opportunity to sneak in a cheap shot on the Champ, even going so far as to slip Y2J a pair of brass-knuckles, prompting the King to dub him the "Brass-Knucked Canuck". Okay, Lawler didn't really call him that, but he should have. And as usual, Cena overcame the odds and defeated Jericho, leaving Bischoff no choice but to summon his inner "Donald" and fire Jericho. Taking a cue from one of our favorite Apprentice wannabes, Y2J started tearing up, eventually losing it when Bischoff told him to control his anger and stay away from the damned tobacco.

As Cena watched security carry Jericho out of the ring, he was attacked from behind by Kurt Angle, who smacked the Champ around a bit as Bischoff reverted to form and introduced Angle as Cena's next opponent.

What do you think? Will Jericho be back, or are his days as the WWE's only multimedia superstar over?

Posted by at 8:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

So Rev Run has a new video called "Mind on the Road" and as usual, he sounds kind of mad. That's why it's so funny that right smack dab in the middle of the video, Rev Run plucks some balloons out of the sky and hands them to a little girl with a most doting expression. Funny. 50 Cent never does that.

It's one of the more effete moments in recent hip hop music video history, and honestly, my description hardly does it justice. That's why I've provided a clip of the video. Watch as Rev Run goes from doting Mother Hen to angry tarmac rapper.

If you happen to catch the video in its entirety, viewers will be lucky enough to catch one Donald Trump yelling out, "Hey Rev! You're the best!" (Sorry, forgot to get a clip of that). And if you're still bored, try to check out the new Tommy Lee video for "Good Times." It ranks as one of the worst lip-synched videos of all time. Literally. The guy cannot sing along to his own song. I would post it, but I'm pretty sure a low res quicktime file wouldn't do it justice.

Posted by at 4:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

I feel like a misogynist jerk for saying this, but I'm really enjoying the asshole mind games Jason keeps pulling on Laguna Beach. In any other situation, I'd be cutting him down for being immature or unkind to his girlfriend, but then again, in any other situation, we wouldn't have Jessica, a girl so annoying she makes Melissa Rivers seem pleasant. This whiner needs to be gagged NOW. When you're the most grating person on Laguna Beach, well, that's not a good thing. Sadly, having met many women in the mold of young Jessica, I'm sorry to announce that she will unfortunately always be the broken-record drama-queen we see now. I therefore believe that instead of college, she should be shipped off to Greenland where she can live out the rest of her life annoying a flock of sheep or whatever local livestock they have over there. It's only fair that the rest of us get to enjoy some peace and quiet for once.

Speaking of peace and quiet (or lack thereof), the show began with our trusty narrator Kristin catching us up on all sorts of gossip. "I realized that being single senior year wasn't that much fun," she said. Also not fun: LISTENING TO YOU. But whatever. After this episode, Kristin seemed like the coolest person in America next to Jessica. Nevertheless, Kristin continued her recap: "So I started hooking up with Talan. Again. You know, friends with benefits." Thanks for the update, Alanis.

Anyway, once the recap ended, we caught up with Alex M. and Taylor babbling about goldfish and black fish and ribbons and who knows what. For a moment I thought they were decorating the world's gayest aquarium ever, but then it turned out it was just some elaborate scavenger hunt that would lead to the girls asking two guys to the Winter Formal (not nearly as exciting as a ribboned aqua-park, if you ask me). Soon discussion shifted to the girls' dates, and we learned that Alex would be taking Jason because she had asked him prior to his sparkling courtship with Jessica. In anticipation of their big night, Alex gushed, "I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited." Yes. You're excited. WE GET IT!

Hilary Duff then sang her little opening ditty, and when we returned to the coastal community, we found Kristin in what seemed to be the back storeroom of a shoe store. WTF? She works now? What sort of Laguna Beach princess is she? Then again, I'm pretty sure she had a little job last season, but that's neither here nor there. The point is that now in season two of Kristin's life, she's a superstar -- a cultural icon, if you will. Celebrities don't work!

Well, the point of this scene was not to examine the working life of America's favorite high school senior. Instead, we were watching Kristin execute her complex and fancy ploy to ask Ian (yeah, I don't know who he is either) to the formal. Her masterstroke: a red poster-board sign with the words "Winter Formal?" scrawled across it. And since this effort might have been underwhelming (especially compared to Alex M.'s piscine gestures), Kristin and her trusty sidekick Alex H. (a.k.a. Roz) festooned the room with rolls of streamers, as if to create some sort of crepe paper jungle. Finally, the girls erected their magnificent poster, causing Kristin to dole out a funny as she laughed, "I guess I'm gonna be right here and like 'Yeah!'" I admit, I chuckled. Are these the first signs that I might actually alter my perceptions of Kristin? After all, as much as I bash her, a small part of me realizes that if I were hanging out at a bar with her, she'd definitely be solid with the people-watching commentary.

Anyway, while Kristin's ploy to ensnare Ian (???) may have been a little ghetto, Alex M. and Taylor were sparing no expense. Those fish they were talking about? Yeah, they actually bought a few, put them in a bowl, and then left the poor things on some railing with a balloon attached (there was a momentary scare that the balloon might tote the fishbowl off into the heavens, but luckily Alex M. made sure all the fishies stayed safely on the terra firma of Laguna Beach. For the record, I would enjoy an all-fish rendition of The Red Balloon). Jason and Talan began working on their little scavenger hunt and hey look! Talan's hair mysteriously grew completely back! Amazing! And to think it was just a week or two ago that he had so proudly buzzed it! Man, is he lucky to have such speedy hair! What's that you said? This entire episode was completely presented out of context of the season? NO!

At the end of the big scavenger hunt, Jason and Talan came upon two giant refrigerator boxes on the beach, out of which jumped their girls, Alex M. and Taylor. Oh, the old jump-out-of-the-nasty-box routine! That's always a classic. Especially when homeless people do it.

Over at Jessica's house, Kristin and the gals sat bundled up on the porch, noshing on chips and salsa. Hey ladies, you all look frigid. Just go inside. It's really okay. For some reason, we never get to see inside Jessica's house. I think it's because it's probably small and normal looking inside. For shame! Anyway, the gals all gabbed over each other about the formal in this roundtable discussion from hell. Roz happily announced, "I'm excited I'm going with Jeff." SILENCE ROZ! You shall speak when spoken to! Have you forgotten all the sidekick rules of engagement??

Then a pretty girl named Emily chimed in, telling Jessica, "You're gonna have so much fun at Winter Formal. I can't even explain how much fun you're going to have." Not as much as you'll have, Emily, spending the next five years telling people, "I was the girl in that one scene of Laguna Beach. Remember? No?" This wonderful nacho moment ended with the girls suddenly cackling at the prospect of impending hair extensions. OMG! So EXCITED!

The next day (or month -- who knows really?), Taylor et al. showed up at Medusa Salon to get their extensions. You know, call me old fashioned, but I wouldn't trust a salon called "Medusa." That whole snakes-for-hair thing kind of seems like a detriment. It's like going to a gym called "The Marlon Brando Experience."

Elsewhere in town, Kristin and sidekick Roz went to a non-Medusa salon to get their extensions. Maybe some of our female readers can explain this to me, but why exactly did Roz need extensions? Wasn't her hair already long? I imagined that she was simply fulfilling her duty as a loyal sidekick, accompanying her master to any activity, even if it was completely illogical for her to be there.

Back at Medusa's lair -- or salon, technically -- Taylor gossiped with her stylist. "Remember Kristin, Andrea? She's gonna get extensions today too." OMG! OM f'-in G!!!! OM (I just turned over a table, threw a vase against the wall) G!!!!!! That bitch is going down! Getting hair extensions also? No way. This may be Laguna, but it's about to turn into Labitcha (forced, I know).

Just when we thought things couldn't get worse, we soon realized there'd be a showdown at the nail salon. Yes, the very same place where LC and Lo locked horns with Christina and Morgan last season. You see, Kristin, Alex, and Jessica all needed acrylic nail treatments (like obvies!), but guess what?? SO DID ALEX AND CASEY AND TAYLOR! Women and children, LEAVE THE ROOM RIGHT NOW. This is about to get bloody.

Before we could enjoy this battle royale, however, we first needed to pause for our obligatory Jessica complaining: "Where's my stupid boyfriend? GOD!" Uh, you know, hanging out with a less annoying person. (Or having sex with his sidekick Cedric. But we can't verify that).

Anyway, after Jessica managed to annoy everyone once again, the three-person parade of Taylor, Casey, and Alex arrived, appropriately singing the classic Gwen Stefani line, "This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S." Phony pleasantries and salutations were exchanged between the two groups, but things turned nasty (and by nasty, I mean Kristin gave a shocked look) when Alex casually said to her friends, "I'm like excited to go with Jason because he's really fun. Like to go out with, anyway." Cut to me rubbing my palms together with sadistic glee. Let the blood flow, BITCHES!

Unfortunately, since Laguna Beach isn't actually The Real World, situations like these never escalate into "Why don't you say that to my face, bitch!" confrontations. Instead, we were left with Kristin and Jessica exchanging disgusted scowls. Poor Roz was not allowed to participate in the facial expressions as this clearly was a Masters-only form of communication. Sorry Roz.

We then cut to commercial, and when we returned, we saw Kristin getting ready for the big dance. We even saw an invitation which revealed the formal's theme: "Life styles [sic.] of the rich and famous." Apparently, the kids rejected the more helpful theme, "Spellcheck of the rich and famous."

Over at Talan's house, the pitcher/catcher duo of Jason and Cedric changed into their formal wear, and in one of the odder moments of the show, Ced let out a strange, high pitched sound reminiscent of an 1895 locomotive whistle. I guess it was his way of telling Jason, "All aboard." If you catch my drift... (if you can't, you're an idiot).

Anyway, the kids all piled into a limo (already quite the extravagance for a stupid winter formal) and then traveled to the house of some kid named Jake where a band (yes, a band) played on the lawn and parents all mingled together, taking pictures and acting as if their kids were boarding the Titanic. Back in my day, all we did for the winter formal was hop in a car and show up at the dance. Getting dressed in shirt-and-tie was hardly the momentous occasion that it apparently is in Laguna. Seriously, it was so low key that one year, a bunch of us went to a pizza parlor beforehand. Such was the exciting evening known as the "Snow Ball" (yeah, our formal had a punny name. Take THAT Laguna!).

At the pre-formal formal, everyone mixed and mingled, and we finally got to meet this mysterious Jake (he was also taking Jessica to the dance), and holy shit, this guy had red hair. I don't normally take pause with red hair, but wow. It was like a Jew-fro gone Irish. I immediately feared that the camera would veer to the right and we'd discover this little tyke was none other than the unholy offspring of Carrot Top and Penny Marshall (let's pray that we never see that, shall we?).

That's quite the helmet. I hereby declare Jake, Darth Carrot Top

As much as I enjoyed looking at Jake the Carrot Snake, the cameras quickly shifted to more important things: namely, Jessica bitching yet again about Jason. This time, she was chewing out the ears of people so random, they didn't even get titles. You know, if he treats you like such crap, just shut up and dump him already. But alas, if she were to do that, then what would she have to whine about? And if she had nothing to whine about, how would she be the center of attention? I wouldn't be surprised if late at night Jessica wanders the streets of Laguna, complaining to any random strangers about her boyfriends. Even the bums run away from her: "Uh oh. Here comes that annoying girl again." That is, of course, assuming there were bums in Laguna.

Finally, Jason showed up at the pre-formal and in a classy move worthy of our finest used car dealers, he made sure the top three buttons of his shirt were happily unbuttoned. It goes without saying, of course, that directly behind Jason was his sidekick Cedric, and honest to god, it looked like they were holding hands. Upon spotting Jessica, Cedric joked (but not really), "Run!", but it was too late. She had already reeled in her man. It took about .03 seconds for Jessica to commence her bitching, but Jason simply smiled back at her, responding to her questions with patronizing charm. Finally, he told her that she had been difficult the night before, causing her to retort, "HOW WAS I BEING DIFFICULT??" I love when difficult people reply to the accusation of being difficult with a difficult response. I also love when dumb people show up on MTV. As you can tell, this was quite the moment for me.

Eventually, the action moved to the formal, and after we watched some dark, shaky footage from Cedric's camcorder, we then moved outside where a pouty Jessica sat all by herself in the dark. GOOD. That's where she belongs. Later, as people were leaving, Jason approached her, hoping to solve things with a simple "I love you." The definitely-not-difficult Jessica replied angrily, "I'm sick of this. I'm sick of it all." To which Jason replied, "Okay, I won't talk to you." And then he walked away. HA! In yo' face! It's very rare that I advocate a guy ever treating his girlfriend with such terse hostility, but man, she really needed a whole dose of shut-the-hell-up.

In the limo going back, we then witnessed possibly the most shocking sight of the evening: Roz got some ACTION! All together now: Go Roz! Go Roz! It's your birthday! You look like Peri Gilpin! Go Roz!

Later, after everyone had changed into t-shirts and tried to get late night fast food, we found Jason passed out in the back of his limo. Oddly enough, the car was just sitting in a driveway, parked. I'm pretty sure most limos bust a move after they've dropped off their kids. I don't know many drivers that would just sit there while one drunk kid slept in the back seat. But then again, this is Laguna Beach. Not much really makes sense.

Well, Jessica suddenly climbed into the limo and angrily woke up her boyfriend. She immediately peppered him with snippy and hostile questions, and at first the groggy Jason tried to silence her by saying he didn't want to talk about "the situation," but that was only fuel for the fire as Jessica bitched, "What's the situation? Why don't you tell me what the situation is? BLAH BLAH BLAH!" SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!

At this point, Jason pretty much spoke for America, as he snapped, "You're so f*cking annoying!" and as he headed towards the front of the limo, she all but wrestled him back to her, latching onto his arm and pulling tight. Somebody get this girl some Valium. I think we need to get that charter plane to Greenland ready.

The next morning, Roz and Kristin lay in bed together and talked about boys. Wow. Roz was by Kristin's side even in the morning? In the same bed? Now that's a GREAT sidekick! She's a keeper, Kristin.

Elsewhere in Laguna, Taylor and Alex M. took a stroll near the beach. The two girls marveled at the tide, with Alex commenting, "I've never seen it like this before!" What? Three feet high? Alex then said, "Oh wait, I was looking at a traffic light. Yeah, the tide looks normal. Never mind."

Meanwhile, Cedric and Jason passed away the afternoon with a sexually charged game of cards (loser had to be bottom). Cedric earned some TVgasm points for liberally bashing Jessica, calling her "a whiner. She pisses people off easily. She's all drama." Amen to that. You're not so bad, Ced. Not so bad at all. Jason then revealed that he liked Alex M. and that he'd have to get rid of Jessica. YES! You know she's gonna go all stalker on his ass too.

The show then ended with the stirring image of Jessica petting her cat, a silent rage seething through her eyes. Yeah, she's an idiot. This is gonna get ugly.

Jessica to cat: "Why don't you sit in my lap anymore? Tell me. Because I certainly don't understand."

What do you think? Will Jessica ever snap out of it?

Posted by at 4:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (70)

It may shock people to know that we here at TVgasm actually have friends in the reality star community. Yes, for all our savage roasting, some people actually still like us, which is why we're always happy to promote their latest ventures.

And so, in the great tradition of name dropping that is TVgasm, I write to humbly alert you that our friend Marcellas Reynolds of Big Brother 3 will be on How Do I Look tonight on the Style Network. Here's his simple plea: "I sing some great new songs in it! Oh wait I'm not a singer, I'm a stylist." So check it out. The show airs at 8pm, a.k.a. right now on the East Coast.

Posted by at 5:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Posted by at 4:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

• Six Feet Under ended last night, and according to everyone who watched the finale, it was a four-hanky special. Let me guess: someone died. [New York Times]


• The producers of Princes of Malibu are upset that the show's obvious fakeness didn't play as funny as they thought. Maybe that's because reality shows aren't supposed to be FAKE! [Los Angeles Times via Reality Blurred]


• With The Contender finding a new home on ESPN, the sports network plans to air a re-match of some sort. This would be awesome if I actually watched the show. Besides, the only re-matches I plan to watch involve John O'Hurley. [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]


• The delightfully twisted Wonder Showzen has been picked up for a second season. Finally, more letter-on-number sodomy. [Mediaweek]


• Chris Elliot might be making his first foray into primetime TV since Get A Life. I'm pretty sure that's a good thing. [Variety]


• New York Times columnist Alessandra Stanley reveals just how disconnected she is with youth culture by writing "Current [TV] is not a joke. It actually lives up to its billing." And yes, she also uses the words "fresher" and "interesting." Ultimately, she concludes, "it is at least one youth-oriented cable network that does not dance to the tune of the 82-year-old Sumner Redstone, the chairman of Viacom." So says the thirtysomething reviewer. [New York Times]

Posted by at 1:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Now I know that I titled the post "Win a Date With Tyra Banks," but you couldn't honestly think that I would give away a chance to see Tyra. Yes, this is the old bait and switch. I love the TVgasm readers, but sometimes I just have to be selfish. Besides, it's not like I actually have a date with Tyra to give away. What I thought I would do is enlist the TVgasm faithful to help me win a date with Tyra Banks, but yes, there will be a little something in it for you.

In the push to gain Emmy nominations, producers for pretty much every show on television send screeners out to would-be voters in hopes of gaining some recognition for their cause. ANTM didn't get an Emmy nomination, but they did send out screeners, and yours truly was able to get a hold of one. The package is a DVD in a custom box with a pullout of various pictures from the cycle 4 photo shoots. The episode on the DVD is the one where Tyra goes off on Tiffany, so it will be a great collector's item for anybody who is a fan of the show. I always wanted to give it away to a TVgasm reader, but had never thought of a good contest until now.

Everybody knows that I love Tyra Banks, but try as I might, I can't say that the feeling is mutual. I have thought of everything - show up at her office, leave my job and work on her television show, continually serenade her with a bossa nova interpretation of "Hello" from Lionel Richie - but I am worried that won't be enough, or would only be worthy of a restraining order. In the end, I decided that it would be best to do it old school, love letter style. The only problem is that I can never seem get past "Dear Tyra, I would love to grab your ass. Let me count the ways." As you can see, I have a ways to go.

Since TVgasm readers have known me for almost 15 months now, I thought I would ask for your help in writing a love letter to Ms. Banks. Actually, I am going to beg for some help writing a love letter to Ms. Banks. Send in your love letters. I will pick four or five, and then let the TVgasm readers decide which one is the best. I will send the winning love letter to Tyra at her production company and the person who wins will receive the ANTM Emmy screener for themselves. As an added bonus, if Tyra Banks actually decides the letter is worthy of a meeting and not a phone call to the FBI, I will name our first child after you. Now THAT is dedication.

So, send in your love letters from me to Tyra. Be funny, be serious, use first person, third person, it's your choice. In a couple of weeks I will post my favorites, and the TVgasm readers will pick the winner. Some people may think this is crazy, but maybe it is so crazy that it will actually work. I thought I would at least give it a try.

Submit your entries by e-mail to j-unit@tvgasm.com.

Posted by at 9:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

I need to know when Osama's caught... and a little Jami Gertz gossip wouldn't hurt either.

Posted by at 4:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

This was the episode of Big Brother that I was waiting for. Janelle was Head of Household and had the power to decide who was going to be up for eviction. It wasn't hard to tell by her initial reaction that Janelle was gunning for Jennifer. I don't know what it was that first tuned me in to that theory, but it might have been all the times Janelle managed to call Jennifer a bitch after she won. Sadly, this is a double eviction week, which means that Janelle's time in power would be less than 48 hours. It also means we had to pack a lot into this episode including a veto competition, veto ceremony, live vote and eviction (sort of) and a new HOH competition. So let's not waste time, and get started.

I saw The 40 Year-Old Virgin last evening, and it was great. Even bumped into Mischa Barton as I was leaving the theater. On my way back, as I was pumpin' the G-Unit in the car, I couldn't help but smile realizing that I had an episode of Big Brother on the Tivo waiting for me when I got back. Yes, it would have been better if the Tivo was Tyra Banks, or perhaps, oh, I don't know, Rosario Dawson, or even Jennifer Garner and her huge man jaw, although her being preggers might complicate things. Hell, I would have taken Ellen Degeneres (no sex, but at least she would make me laugh).

But as I lamented that I turned on the Tivo, I realized that I had something more than just a house full of hamsters pissing each other off. I got an extra night of Julie Chen! Yes, a new eviction meant a knew Julie Chen. Instead of the white almost-camel-toe pants, the Chenbot went with a more flowing black set of pants. And what about her top? On Thursday, she had the trapezoid, I called it the "Aztec scoop" (sorry anthropologist, it looks more Teotihuacan than Kukulkan). Julie had a similar black top as Thursday, but it's like she took a drawstring and pulled the scoop closer together. Perhaps she didn't pack enough for her long weekend in Los Angeles? Whatever it was, her assets were begging for a little support. Hey wardrobe, don't be afraid to show off what our girl is working with! Les may have won her heart, but we can always dream.

First we had to deal with the immediate aftermath of the Kaysar eviction. Jennifer mentioned that it was a pure strategy move, and I have always agreed with that position. April, for some reason sporting her K-mart pink leopard hooker shirt, said that they sent him home once and they wanted to do it again. James, who I am liking more and more and looks to last a long time, said that he cared the first time Kaysar left, but didn't this time. I was thinking a lot about that and when it comes down to it, I'll just blame Howie. It may not hold up to intellectual rigor, but at least it makes me feel better. Why was he so obsessed about James? Rachel chimed in with the always-stupid "It's so sad to see him leave, I wish he had more votes" type argument, or in this case any votes since Kaysar was a unanimous decision. But why do these people complain when they could have made him feel better by, you know, voting for the person?

The Friendship didn't have long to celebrate their victory in voting off Kaysar because there was still an HOH competition, and they haven't managed to win two in a row all season, and that includes this week, when Janelle won. Again, it was pretty evident that Janelle was going after Jennifer. If her celebration after her HOH win didn't tell you, or when she said "Pack your bags Jenny," or if the fact she nominated Jennifer, or the fact she said "Bye bye bitches!" after the nominations still left you with some questions, perhaps when Janelle said "Now I want to screw her over royally" was enough to persuade you.

How did the Friendship react? Well, they were all in a stupor and a realization came over them that perhaps getting rid of Kaysar had some ramifications. Kaysar left the first time promising his friends would make his presence felt. Howie sort of screwed the pooch when it came to getting revenge for Kaysar, but Janelle wasn't going to let the same mistake happen. She had spent a week making life hell for the Friendship, and she was going to make sure she finished the job. Maggie complained how they were bad winners, as if the last week in the house wasn't enough to tell them what would happen if the Friendship didn't hold HOH. April also complained about the decorum in the house, accusing Janelle and Howie of being immature, and she has a point. April is so old, she would probably think Bob Dole is too immature.

Even for a lesbian, that is some good technique.

Then April decided to take the gloves off. She has heard it about her looks (I think she is old, not ugly, I hope my wife looks half as good at age 50), she has heard it about her husband, she has even heard Howie insult her dog! It takes everything she has, but she says "Well, Rachel admitted that she gave you HOH." Listen, Howie has already admitted that he doesn't like to think for himself, I don't think those words will ever hurt him. Besides, wasn't she just telling Jennifer that Kaysar didn't "give" her HOH, that she outsmarted him? What exactly are you trying to say, April?

Of course Howie doesn't have a comeback, so he just goes on a little bit more about Hurrican Howie. This whole time Rachel was trying to get him to shut up, and James was doing his best to control Howie. Since James is the only other man in the house (yes, I remember Beau, but Beau is a bigger queen than Latifa) he tries to get in the way. Seeing that he is restrained, April says that she has a good life and is not on welfare! Ouch! I think April is splitting hairs, but I guess receiving a Social Security check is not really welfare. And even if Howie is on welfare, which I am still trying to figure out, is there some public assistance program for male strippers trying to be meteorologists? It's got to have an acronym, right? Perhaps GIGOLOS (Guys Investment for Getting Obvious Lummox Office Skills). I also like MIMBOS (More Income for Men Being Opressed as Strippers). Anyway, after hearing that, Howie got upset and says "Hey, you have a good life, but your husband doesn't because he has you." SLAM! And you can say the same about her dog!

That's about the worst the personal attacks got. Either Howie calmed down later in the episode, or the producers decided they had enough. Whatever the reason, it seems like people started thinking about the game, and strangely enough, the person both sides wanted on their side was James. Rachel mentioned that she'll ask James to help them get rid of Jennifer, and they'll help him get rid of Maggie. What a great idea Rachel! Bring James into your alliance! He'll be sure to help you guys out since the last time he was in an alliance, you spent a month trying to get rid of him.

Truth be told, James knew that he was in a prime position to be playing both sides. It started when he tried to restrain Howie, which both sides thought was a good idea. It then continued as he started taking the high road on a lot of issues in the house. When Janelle received her HOH room, she invited everybody to come up and visit, but the Frienship was having none of it. Maybe they knew it didn't matter because she was going to be HOH only a couple of days, but they didn't want to visit. You can kind of understand why they don't like Janelle, since she verbally abused all of them the past week, but if you are going to be complain about Janelle and Howie being poor winners, you shouldn't go about it by being a sore loser.

James used this moment to kind of ingratiate himself back into the Sovereign Three. He went up to Janelle's room, said that he was put up four weeks in a row and he has always come up to see the new HOH room. Since the Friendship wasn't around, he could act like he didn't really care about them. Anyway, Janelle's room was predictably girly, and like any young woman living in a metropolitan area, it turns out she has two little dogs. I really hate little dogs, and especially can't stand it when people bring them to a restaurant and I nearly gag when people eat while holding their dog in their arm or sitting them on their lap. This happens all the time in LA, and it FREAKS me out.

James spent time in the HOH room, but he doesn't want to be seen with either side all that much. He doesn't want to look like he was taking in information and reporting it back, although that is precisely what he was planning on doing. James and Ivette have an interesting bond, based on nothing more than Ivette's instinct, apparently. She says being friends with James might bite her in the ass and teach her a huge lesson about trust, but she is going to trust him anyway. I tend to believe that James and his relationship with Ivette is mostly for strategy reasons, but I also think that she is the last person in the house that he would betray at the moment.

With the Veto competition rolling around, it was time to talk numbers and strategize. Part of the reason why Janelle chose Jenny and Maggie was because she was trying to break up the Friendship like Kaysar had done so many weeks ago when he put up Maggie and James, then nominated Eric. The focus should have always been splitting the Friendship apart, of course, but Howie lost focus and then everybody started gunning for James, meaning the Kaysar alliance lost three members, two to eviction and one to the other side, and if Kaysar hadn't come back into the house, the numbers would be even more bleak. Kaysar stupidly(and yes, that is the only word for it, STUPID) thought that getting rid of a weak player would be more important to the Friendship than breaking up his alliance, and he paid the price.

But enough of that, you know how I feel, and I am sure I don't have to remind people every week how upset it made me. April and Jennifer began talking(they snuck behind two couches like the little rat-faces that they are), and the only way to save Jennifer looked like it was going to be taking herself off of the block. They would then try and take out Ivette, because really, it was her fault that the team was breaking up because she was always more friendly with James than with them. April then started complaining that Ivette is playing for herself, and didn't care about group sacrifice. OH FOR SHAME. Imagine that, Ivette is playing for herself! It's not like this is a game, with the possibility of a million dollars for the winner. How dare Ivette? Why doesn't she sacrifice herself for the team, like April is so willing to do? You remember unselfish April, so unselfish that she complained about being the pawn and let Ivette sweat it out on the chopping block so she wouldn't have to hear it all week from James! Better to hear it from James than Howie, don't you think April??

The veto competition was a modified hockey game. Their were six hockey goals that had the faces of the Veto participants covering most of the space. The only opening was a small space at the bottoms where their mouths were. Each person had to get a puck into the mouths of each goal, and the person who did it in the shortest amount of time won. Now, it's unfortunate that they used hockey, because if it was just throwing a ball into their mouths, I would have had lots of balls in the mouth jokes to work with. With this game, I guess I can say "oh that's a nice facial", but the joke really doesn't last that long.

Howie went first, and he got a goal almost immediately. The problem was the object of the game was not to score goals, but to keep the puck inside the area, and Howie was having difficulty, uhh, handling his stick(that'll work). Perhaps Howie needed that last finger for more control, because he clocked in at almost three minutes. April was next, and she knew how to handle the stick a little better. At her age, she has probably seen a million, of all different sizes, so she was able to beat Howie's time. Howie was even hugged her after he was done.

I kind of like Janey with her hair up.

Jennifer assumes a familiar position

At the veto ceremony, Janelle gives Maggie and Jennifer the chance to make their cases. Jennifer starts to make herself out like some martyr, but Maggie knows she has no chance of being vetoed so she didn't spend a lot of time on a speech and said she would really love to be vetoed. Awwwww, how nice Maggie. I would really love to get a blowjob from Angelina Jolie every night, but we all can't have every wish, can we? And just when I finished laughing my ass off at Maggie's stupid wish, Janelle uses the veto on Maggie! (hurry up Brad, I'm waiting!) Seriously, WTF is going on here? What does she get from saving Maggie, especially since this is coming out of the blue with no deal on the table? In her place Janelle says "I vote to evict" oops, she meant to say she nominates Ivette, and that is what happens, but you know that paranoid Ivette is going to worry that she is being backdoored.

For once, all of us were as clueless as Maggie.

Once again, we are back with Julie. This show wasn't live, but since they were trying to save time, the votes would be live! After some more words from Ivette and Jennifer(who started crying about the great friendships that she made, and the creative name they came up with their alliance), the voting begins with Beau. He goes to the diary room, and as he is walking, Julie begins her little color commentary. I LOVE THIS. For some reason, she keeps her voice down like she is at a golf tournament. "Does Beau evict his partner Ivette, or will he choose to evict his friend Jennifer?" It's suspense like at the Westminster Dog Show "Will the dog sniff the other dog's butt, or simply go in to lick his own balls?" I can hardly stand the anticipation.

Unfortunately, after Julie took Beau's vote, they cut off her little commentary on all of the other voters, showing us only who they voted to evict. This also took away another one of those great Big Brother moments. In live evictions, when the votes have already played out in favor of one person, Julie legitimizes the extension of the spectacle by saying something like "Well, obviously that is enough votes to remove Jennifer from the house, but let's see what the other houseguests think about it.'" I guess I can back it. Although America always knows who voted for who a secret ballot inside the house is nice.

As predicted, April was the only one who voted to keep Jennifer, who tearfully said goodbye. The evictions are clearly getting more bitter, as Jennifer, like Kaysar, didn't bother to acknowledge the other team. She went over to sit next to Julie, who still has her spring-loaded handshake arm up to full spec. Jennifer pulled the picture of her boyfriend out of her bag and into next to her on the couch, I guess as a symbol of her love to him. It doesn't quite make up for her telling millions of people on the internet she sucked off half of the athletes at her college, but it is a nice gesture. In her Chenterrogation, Jennifer tries to make it out like she is a sacrificial lamb and she knew that getting rid of Kaysar would lead to this. If there is one guarantee about houseguests when they leave, they always forget the stupid actions that got them evicted.

We also had a great Chenbot moments towards the end. When talking about her eviction, Jennifer mentioned that other seasons haven't quite seen this type of division in the house and Julie said "That's for sure" then had this great "hahahaha" laugh, said "that's well put", and then got serious more quickly than Tom Cruise on Access Hollywood. But the laugh, the laugh is priceless. I could describe it all for you, but I know you are dying for some video, so here it is:

Click on the picture for a clip of the Chenterview

With Jennifer out, it was time for the HOH competition. Every single one of these things causes me to lose more hair. At 26, I'm getting a little thin upstairs anyway, and this doesn't help at all. Thankfully, there is no Amazing Race to contend with, so the rate of balding due to reality competitions has slowed significantly.

With that, we only have the HOH competition left. It was called "On the House" and everybody had to answer questions about objects in the house. Get a question correct, and you win a point. Answer a question incorrectly, and you are out of the game. Not surprisingly, Howie was the first person eliminated. The odds were already in favor of the Friendship, and this just made it worse. Beau got a point, so the Rachel couldn't just sit back and wait for people to answer questions incorrectly to be eliminated. Soon, Rachel was also eliminated, as she buzzed into a question about the safes in the gold room before Julie finished, and had no idea what it was. Our last and final hope was James, but Beau beat him on the last question, giving the Friendship HOH once again.

BLAST!

This is absolutely killing me. I fear that our Janey is going to suffer the fate of Jennifer and be evicted after her week as HOH. It was great to see Janelle and Howie, get in the faces of the Friendship, but this is the worst case scenario, and it might have paid to be a little more tactful the last week or so, and not rubbed it in everybody's face. Janelle is a target for almost everybody, and the only thing that might save her is that the Friendship might look to split up Howie and Rachel before they go after Janelle. Then again, Ivette hates Janelle personally, as does Beau, so it might be her last week in the house. The Karma Boomerang is really flying all over the place. Why oh why couldn't Beau have been the HOH for two days? With his highness of no personality in power, I hope we hear more about beau than his love of pastel polo shirts from Ralph Lauren.

Who will Beau put up? Who is going to go home this week?

(Note on the spoilers, if you really know who is going up, don't post here, use the forums! And thank you to the people who send us e-mail, but warn us not to read it in the subject line lest we get an unwanted spoiler. That's the kind of forward thinking we are looking for.)

Posted by at 1:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (45)

[by Betty White]

Am I the only person still watching So You Think You Can Dance? I certainly would have given up on this pile of poo after the first, maybe second episode, but here I am cheerily watching and writing for TVgasm. It's episode five of SYTYCD, and on this week's episode we finally get to see some dancing. What a concept! It's almost enough to make me forget that they added yet another thirty minutes of this show, which now checks it at a hefty two hours. Let's see what they've got.

But first! They give us 30 minutes of interviews with the final 16 contestants. Lauren Sanchez is in another ridiculously revealing bi-level outfit that would look stupid on a 16-year-old. What a tramp! At first I thought Lauren was pretty - granted, a tramp - but attractive, but now she's starting to look like Elvira to me. She also man-handles the contestants, hugging them, putting her arm around them given any opportunity. Whoa Lauren! Look what happened to Paula Abdul. Pretty soon you'll be accused of providing some extra coaching.

Everyone gets teary in their interviews. We have yet another reality show where contestants claim they're not in it for the prize, rather to do good. "I'd like to use my life to do something good," lies Kamila. "Art is about giving." PUHLEAZE.

We see Nick at age nine doing pirouettes. "Dance has always been in me." Glad to know you realized you were gay at a young age, Nick. A boring montage of Blake. He's gay too.

This collar says "I pound butt"

Then we're on to Ryan, the spiky haired break dancer who's never had a dance lesson in his life. He learned everything he knows from TV. Yay Ryan! Forget college. Everything I've learned I know from TV too. Ryan's got lots of fans in the audience. Probably because he's the first straight guy we've seen.

Snow is from Siberia, and was also born a man. Lauren Sanchez talks to her like she's deaf, speaking slowly, so that maybe Snow can read her lips.

Now to the violins. "Big Papa," everyone's favorite fatty, didn't have any friends growing up. We all know it's because he's gay. He turned to dance to make friends. Awwwww.

Lacking something of substance to say, each contestant tells us their zodiac sign. Are they that hard up for conversation with these people?

Lauren promised us at the beginning of the show that we'll get to meet each and every one of the last 16 contestants. Not that I care, because this has dragged out long enough, but I can count. We haven't met about half of the contestants. And I'm still waiting for Paula Abdul like they promised. Liars!

Finally, we're onto the dance competition itself. Lauren's sporting a new outfit. Try as she might, this black sleeveless number doesn't accentuate the boobs. They are tucked in tight and honestly, she doesn't even look larger than a C cup from my television. Sorry Lauren, wardrobe malfunction. Black is minimizing.

This competition is going to be American Idol style. The contestants will dance, then be judged by the show's judges, and then America gets a chance to vote at home by the phone for "at least two hours" at the end of the show. So, what, if I called at 12:15 a.m., I may or may not get to record my vote?

Instead of Idol's three judges, we have four. Nigel's back and since we first saw him, he has trimmed the mullet a tad. Not enough, but it's a good start. No sign of producers Bonnie or Jeff from the first week. I guess they went back to England. Three of the five choreographers from the previous three weeks are at the judge's table: Brian (Be Free), Mia, and Dan. Personally, I'm glad that they didn't put ballroom Mary or salsa Alex up there because they were annoying, but why are they stuck still choreographing while the other three get to sit at the table? Brian has his shirt unbuttoned to his navel, revealing his recently waxed chest. Lauren reads the choreographer's credentials. In Sync, Britney, blah, blah. We hear that Nigel choreographed for Gene Kelly. Gene Kelley! How old are you, Nigel?

Cut to the practice sessions, some of which are very shaky. Jamile can't stop popping and locking (their words, I don't even know what that is) during the jive. Blake refuses to do a lift with Destiny (her ass is rather large). Ryan is having a very hard time with the Mambo. Choreographer Mary is wearing some leopard print shirt and skirt that is so ridiculous, I'm shuddering just thinking about it.

When it's time to perform onstage, I must admit, I think they all do a decent job. Brian is the Paula of the judging panel, he pretty much has nice things to say about everyone. Everyone else is like Randy, complementing sometimes, and criticizing other times, although without the dawgs or the ebonics. No Simons, unfortunately.

My favorite moment from the judges. "I'll say it in one word - Bad Ass," said Dan to Ryan who pulled some pretty good Mamboing out of his ass in competition, or in this case his badass. The judges clearly love dancers out of their element, like Jamile with the jive and Ryan with the mambo. Despite the fact the judges hate Blake, he really does nail his lyrical number, and they can't help but fawn all over him. Poor Allan gets stuck dancing with Snow and they kind of suck.

So You Think You Can Dance is just a front for the casting of "Evita on Ice"

Posted by at 1:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (17)

Finally! The Real World came back from the murky depths of "real" issues (death? drug addiction? handicaps? pssshhh...) to once again dilly dally in the ridiculous. Yes, this week's episode took place in the Land of Stupidity, a country reigned by its president, Wes. For those of you who may have missed out on the majority of the season, here's what you have to know:

1) Wes is an idiot.

2) Wes thinks he's hot shit.

3) Wes is not hot shit.

4) Wes is an idiot.

With that being said, you should be well caught up on the inanity of Tuesday's episode as our unlucky in love (but lucky in dumb) hero finally found a girl with low enough self-esteem to be laid by him on national television. Faaaantastic!

We knew we were back to the old fashioned happy Real World because the show kicked off with bright images accompanied by a peppy soundtrack that may or may not have been a scrapped 1987 Whitney Houston single. I suppose it's an appropriate singer to mention because we soon found ourself with the house's #1 crazy bitch, Johanna, as she walked with her boy-toy (emphasis on toy) Leo. Now, I don't really know what the deal with this guy is, but judging by his puppy-dog persona and generally mute presence, I'd say he's probably lame. But he's also the sort of guy that a crazy bitch like Johanna goes for every now and then, just to prove to herself that she's not the crazy bitch she deep down realizes she is.

And that was my flash judgment of two people that I don't know.

Anyway, as the two lovebirds, or maybe friendbirds -- who knows -- walked down the street, Leo made a quiet attempt to hold Johanna's hand. Silly man. Doesn't he realize that she's m'shugina? You know, she's all about craving the attention, but once she gets it, turns it away. Well, sure enough, "when he tried to hold my hand, I pulled back," Johanna said, later adding, "But then I realized he was just trying to pull me towards some tequila shots, so I was cool with it."

The action then moved to the Real World aquarium where one sickly fish was on its back, ready for death to take him from this household of inanity. I suppose it was an appropriate image. After all, any time the camera focuses on Johanna, I too usually want to go belly up and find sweet release in a watery afterlife. By the way, props to Bunim/Murray for trying to extend the whole "death affects us all" theme for one more week. We then cut to a mollusk on the phone, crying "Tell me you're lying, Dad!"

Anyway, Rachel videotaped this dramatic moment of aquatic demise, but I didn't really know why. Was this going to somehow make it into the South By Southwest documentary? An allegorical look at the fall of Rock 'N Roll, as seen through a dying fish? Nah, that's too smart for these people. Chances are this movie is just going to be a bunch of random images scattered amongst shots of Wes making out with the camera.

Well, Johanna returned from her walk with Leo and gabbed with Lacey and Rachel about how icky she felt when the boy tried to grab her hand. You see, Johanna was getting more of a "friendship chemistry" instead of a "relationship chemistry," or even better yet, a "drunken moron chemistry." Ever the romantic, Rachel noted that the best relationships usually start off as friendships. You know how it goes: boy meets girl, boy becomes friends with girl, boy sends girl cotton candy ice cream in the mail, girl gets sticky shit all over her house, girl LOVES boy!

Luckily, Lacey was there to infuse some logic into the situation (as the soon-to-be house outcast, her consolation prize is having a brain). "You're gonna stick your tongue down his mouth and not let him touch your hand?" she asked incredulously. EXACTLY! Two points for the girl who looks like Casper the Friendly Ghost.

Ah but wait! Johanna had a rebuttal. "CORRECTION!" she said, a finger waving in the air. Hmmm... let's see if she'll try to blame this on the alcohol: "I made out with him while I was drunk. I was a different person." Taking responsibility? What is that? I don't even know how to pronounce it. Appropriately enough, the scene ended with Nehemiah giving big ups to another dead fish. What is up with this tank? Don't they have professional fish guys who keep the aquarium happy and healthy? My only theory is that the overbearing idiocy in the house has somehow polluted the water, sending all the fishies to watery graves.

Later, Wes and Johanna lay on the "orgy bed" (as we would later learn it's called) and talked about trust issues. Yeah, it was awesome.

We then flashed forward a few hours as the kiddos were prepping to go out to a club and film (or videotape really) a local band. Leo called to see what Johanna was up to, and while they had a nice (READ: dumb) conversation, the camera inexplicably zoomed in on Lacey as we had the divine privilege of watching her every last orthodontically challenged reaction to her roommate's words. Why, Bunim/Murray, why? I suppose this was the producers' attempt to fit Lacey on camera as much as possible before her true outcast-ness banishes her weekly appearances to two-second expository comments like "So we get home and all hell breaks loose."

And by the way, I know the season isn't that old, but shouldn't Lacey be moving into a dusty corner of the house sometime soon? Then again, it took Brynn a few months before she fell off the edge of the world on Vegas.

Anyway, I'm off topic as usual. After Johanna wrapped up her phone call, the roomies all left for their big shoot, with everyone happily announcing their roles. Rachel: "I'm holding the boom pole!" Johanna: "I'll do sound!" Lacey: "I'll direct!" Melinda: "I'll have sex!" Okay, Mel didn't actually say that last thing. In fact, she was relatively unseen this week as I imagined she was still going all Cold Mountain and waiting for Danny to come home.

At the club, the roommates ran into Zach Braff of all people, and I couldn't believe their luck to have an acclaimed independent filmmaker helping them out on their shoot. Oh wait, turns out Zach Braff was only their über-butch advisor, Jenn. Anyway, the kids got to work filming this crappy band, and I was happy to see that their camera work was on par with my elementary school librarian whose signature style was placing a camcorder on a tripod and letting 'er roll. Dynamic work!

Errol Morris, watch your back!

This documentary stuff was boring though and has yet to produce any significant drama -- no pun intended. Kind of makes me pine for the good ole days of New Orleans when every week was a new disaster on public access. Heck, even Paris with its stupid travel guide was more interesting than this. It's all about forcing these kids to meet a deadline (or a "not drinking or having sex thing" as they might call it).

Later, Leo and Johanna returned to the house and spent a romantic moment sitting on opposite sides of a couch. Yes, it was about as steamy as anything you'd find in the Alzheimer's ward of your local nursing home. Still, that didn't stop perpetual gossip Lacey from spying on the two from a security monitor. Yes, we were watching Lacey watching Johanna. It was a very meta reality show moment.

Well, with Alpha Male Leo in tow, Zeta Male Wes became quite the jealous bitch. "Johanna is playing a game with me," he declared with a burgeoning homosexuality nearly bursting through his pants. Clearly Johanna had cockblocked any ambitions he may have had to share his manhood with Leo. Nevertheless, Wes was determined to prove his sexual orientation by once again making a stupid, '80s teen movie bet. "I got five bucks says if I wanted to, I can make out with her in three weeks," announced Wes, adding, "And if I lose, I have to do something crazy like, I don't know, make out with Leo. Maybe give him a blow job. Yeah, and I'll do it too. I'm not afraid."

Actually, Wes didn't say that, but he was so cocksure that he'd have Johanna wrapped around his stumpy finger, he said, "But the second she starts kissing me, I'll kiss back for like less than a second, and then I'll pull away, I'll look her in the eyes, and say 'This is what you could have had' and then walk away." Yeah, because kissing girls is gross anyway! EWWW!

By the way, why would Wes think Johanna would want to make out with a boy who looks like Lacey?

Enter Megan, "Wes's new friend." Let me try to describe this skanky slut: giggly, hefty, and not unlike a strange hybrid of Tara Reid and TIffany Amber Theisen. Basically, Megan was your average fat girl for whom years of childhood taunts have turned her into a raging whore. Makes sense, right? Well, attracted to the MTV cameras like a moth to the flame, Megan quickly latched her globular body onto Wes and gave him the come-hither eyes. Actually, it was more like the come-hither mouth. Nevertheless, Wes commented, "She doesn't want to hold hands. She wants to hold something else." Yeah, a BURRITO.

Realizing this was probably his one and only chance to not only get laid, but prove to America that he really is straight, Wes brought his baleen whale of a groupie back to the house for a little lovin'. Of course, he gave the grand tour, which included a stop on the "orgy bed." The two shared some kissy-kissy, and as they rose to take their passion elsewhere, Megan squealed, "My shoes are coming off!" And so is your dignity. Congrats!

Anyway, the two took their business into Wes's room where lots of ugly sex soon followed. Of course, roving gossiper Lacey just happened to walk by, and seconds later, she was reporting everything to her loyal roommate Johanna. It was pretty amusing, actually. Lacey even did a play-by-play of Wes's butt motions. "It's like this!" she said as she got on her hands and knees and popped her butt high in the air. I guess that's sort of a reflexive position for Wes, huh?

Lacey demonstrates Wes's favorite position.

Nehemiah, meanwhile, nodded his head proudly, saying "That's my boy!" Here's the thing, Nehemiah. You're really cool. We all like you. You seem smart, friendly, thoughtful. We know you like Wes. He's your roommate. But honestly, he's dragging you down. Latch onto the Danny train. Or just make your own. Please.

Well, Nehemiah soon redeemed himself as Lacey and Johanna bashed Megan. "Wes is not attractive... Come on, that girl is cute for Wes," said Neh, immediately making him one of the coolest Real Worlders ever.

Afterwards, as Megan was leaving, she complained, "I lost my shirt." How the hell did you lose your shirt? IT'S IN THE ROOM. Try looking, I don't know, next to the bed. Ah, but clearly this was a classic stalker girl technique: accidentally leave something behind for the excuse to come back. Unfortunately, Wes wanted nothing to do with Megan now that he'd fulfilled his duty to show some sort of heterosexuality, and therefore, he scoured the apartment for her top, hoping to brush his date out the door and into oblivion. "If you guys were a black shirt, where would you be?" he asked his roommates. "It would be on me," replied Johanna. Oh SNAP! Don't even try to front like you can take that, Megan. Because you can't!

And so the blonde-haired summer squash known as Megan left the Real World, leaving Wes with nothing else to do but dive into a private world of self-delusion and grandeur. He called up his best buds and bragged, "The hottest girl in the bar came and hit on me." I wonder, how badly do you think Wes was sexually molested as a child? I mean, all this talk and bravado is clearly covering up some deep, dark secret. At first I thought it was just run-of-the-mill closeted homosexuality, but now his delusions are bordering on psychotic. Something happened to Wes. And it was bad.

Nevertheless, until we find out what Prince of Tides trauma lurks behind his always flushed cheeks, we'll just have to content ourselves with more WesTalk. His attention had now shifted back to Johanna, who he now felt he had shot at. "There's a lot of time left, and I'm really smooth," he assured us. Yes. Very smooth. Kind of like that time when he went to a bar and asked that girl, "Tell me one thing about you that is individualistic." Man, is it getting hot in here? I think we all need a cold shower after a line like that!

Anyway, Wes cuddled up next to Johanna in her bed, and asked her several times if she cared that he just had sex. Translation: did you see that I just had sex? 'Cause I did. I'm straight.

Of course, Johanna couldn't give two shits (and neither could we); so eventually Wes did what any classy fella would do: stick his fingers in Johanna's face -- the very same fingers that had explored the nether regions of Megan just minutes before. Yes, Wes. Smooth. Very smooth.

The next night, the whole gang headed back to The Dizzy Rooster for more drinking and fun with Leo. As usual, Johanna acted like a total cocktease, and so it wasn't surprising that she left later that night with an unsure feeling in her stomach (and no, it wasn't the alcohol). "Leo hates me," she complained to her girlfriends in an obvious attempt to fish for compliments. Luckily, Wes did one good thing this episode, which was telling Johanna that she was leading Leo on. This of course led to an argument (everyone loves a spicy Latina!) with Wes demanding, "Quit being a bitch!" Smooth as a baby's bottom.

It's been a while since we've seen drunken Johanna, so it was nice to see her slurring through her usual pretzel logic. "You have been extremely disrespectful tonight," she said, except it sounded more like, "You have been exshwemewey dishrespectful tonight." It was almost as if she were trying her hand at a low-rent Barbara Walters impersonation. In an interview, Wes then announced, "I've never swallowed anything in my life." Well, except the occasional penis and semen, but aside from that, just food, you know? Actually, to his credit, he was using the term idiomatically -- as in "swallow my pride." And because he wanted to have the last word, he walked into Johanna's room where she was already bundled up and ready to go to sleep.

"Can we talk like civilized human beings right now?" Wes asked, but Jo was not in the mood.

"Stop talking to me," she answered, causing Wes to sneer back, "I hope you graduate from elementary school sometime pretty soon." Oh no he di'int!!! Z-Z-Z-ZING!!!! En fuego! But wait! There's more!

"Congratulations Jo. You're really, really mature," Wes said as he contradictorily flipped her bird. Man, he really knows how to win over a girl.

What did you think about this episode?

Posted by at 6:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (28)

"Battle" sucks ass. I'll save you the 90 minutes of boredom and present to you the best moments via screencaps.

I've read that artificial Coral is quite big these days.

I had a dream back in 1985 that Skeletor interviewed Heather Locklear on television.
This week, it finally happened.

With their TAR winnings, Chip and Kim were able to afford the rare and dangerous head transplant.
No word on what they did with Kim's body.

I have no idea why, but Charla reminds me of George Washington in this picture.
Just keep staring - it'll come to you.

Nikki McKibbon and her McCellulite.

Wagers on whether or not Theo actually knows how to spell his own last name?

Wendy Pepper is a crochety old man in this picture, and since I don't like her, that makes me happy.

Ryan Starr: Butter Face through and through.
But the real treat for me here is Charla in the background.

Charla stares at a familiar sight - someone's crotch.
Although this time, she noted that the tall woman (The Swan) had peed her pants.

In the end, if you must know, The Miz, Coral, Chip from TAR, and Gervase from Survivor were captains. Gervase's team won the day so the others had to vote off one person. Heidi (the ugly New Jersey chick from the Apprentice), Kim (Chip's wife), and Charla were all kicked off. But then they were accepted back on. Host Mike Adamle called this a "twist."

The problem with Battle is that it's all about the boring games (Dunk Tank, Obstacle Course, jousting) and not about the reality whores we've come to know. If you don't believe me about this show, Bravo is airing it ad nauseum over the next several days. Go ahead... I dare you.

Posted by at 3:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Inquiring minds want to know: who has the more distracting cameo? Ted Danson in Saving Private Ryan or Colby Donaldson in Red Eye?

Discuss.

Posted by at 3:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Still need another fix of Big Brother after last night's explosive show? Well, don't worry. We have some fun stuff to keep you occupied.

First, there's Team Kaysar, a website first brought to our attention by our friends at Sorry I Got Drunk. The site's lofty ambition is to raise $2 million dollars to give to Kaysar as a consolation gift. When I checked yesterday, readers had donated about $650 worth, which is pretty impressive considering how silly the site's premise is. As of press time, the balance has swollen to $3,167.43. This would all be well and good if there were any way to verify that the guy running this site isn't going to just skip town with a nice little paycheck. Still, if you're feeling adventurous and don't really care who winds up with your dollar, check it out.

Also, About.com has an interview with Kaysar where he reacts to this fundraising campaign. As always, he's diplomatic and polite. Kaysar's the best! (found via Reality Blurred)

If you're still bored and needing to suckle on the teat of depravity that is Big Brother, Entertainment Weekly has an amusing take on the past week's events, written by Lynette Rice who was lucky enough to have this season's notorious "DOR" banner fly right over her house.

And lastly, if you feel like taking action but not actually spending money, you can always check out Jen Vasquez Sucks, a site that invites you to vent all your frustrations. I also recommend giving Jen repeated ones on the CBS popularity poll (where she already ranks dead last with a score of 22 -- that's lower than Cappy!). But the best way to take out your rage is in the TVgasm forums. You like that? It's all about us in the end...

Posted by at 6:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

• John O'Hurley and Kelly Monaco will be having a grudge-match dance-off next month to finally set the record straight as to who truly deserves a chintzy trophy. I really wish I could mock this, but I know I'll be tuning in. Very sad. [AP]


• The new cast of America's Next Top Model has been revealed. With any luck, maybe they'll actually look like models this season. [UPN]


• The Guiding Light returned to production today after a mercury scare brought the soap to a halt. Apparently it was CBS's really passive-aggressive way of trying to cancel the show. [AP]


• CBS News has been seeking input from interns to revamp its format. I'm pretty sure this is how we wound up with Current TV. [AP]


• And since we can never get enough CBS, the network won last night in the ratings, thanks to Big Brother, CSI, and Without a Trace. [Hollywood Reporter]


• Reggie Miller will be joining Charles Barkley on TNT as a basketball analyst. I'm sure the network chose him because he's a future Hall-of-Famer, but honestly, I think they just wanted to see a really fat man and a really skinny man sit next to each other. Who doesn't? [Mediaweek]

Posted by at 2:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

As people know, working at NTAC is difficult, and the NSA decided that they could use a little help when it came to special tactics. Enter Mr. Cross, who played Major Culp. Culp starts with the same two letters as Curtis! Awesome! To make a long story short, there is a terrorist threat (sound familiar?), and the special new team puts NTAC under lockdown (or a hard perimeter, for you CTU kids). Well, the NSA lockdowns are much more effective than CTU lockdowns (take that back - Diana was able to get in but nobody left), so nobody gets out, but that doesn't mean craziness won't happen on the inside, and Curtis is right in the middle of it.

Only five more months until 24!

Posted by at 8:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

All aboard the Big Brother roller coaster! Maybe it's the adrenaline coursing through my veins, but I'm not sure I've seen a Big Brother season where we've swung from extreme lows to extreme highs so frequently. It seems like every time we're psyched about something (cough, Kaysar returning, cough) we're immediately smacked in the face with a big sack of suck (cough, Kaysar getting re-nominated, cough). And just when we're thinking we might swear off this whole reality opera once and for all, something amazing happens that has us jumping up and down and screaming at the TV.

To all the people who say Big Brother is boring, you don't know what you're missing. You don't know what you're missing at all.

The show began with Julie Chen waiting for us by the Big Brother faux-garden. And such a summertime pleasure she is. Tonight, Julie came to us wrapped up in what J-Unit affectionately called the "Aztec scoop trapezoid cut-out top." Now, I didn't really understand the Aztec reference, but I liked the sound of it so I'm saying it (J-Unit said it was like one of those Aztec pyramids had been turned upside down and, well, never mind). Basically, it was some bizarre hybrid of a black leotard top and a sweater. I think. As you can see, it kind of baffled my sartorial vocabulary. Truthfully, there are two things that constantly and eternally blow my mind: the universe and Julie Chen's wardrobe.

As for the pants, well, the Camel Toe Alert was raised from orange to red as we thought we'd surely see the beast. It wasn't a question of if, but when. Alas, Julie's white pants seemed to wash out all details in their radiance, thus leaving us empty handed and, well, a bit sad.

Julie teases us with a glimpse of camel toe. Such a cruel robot.

Anyway, with a spring in her step like she'd just returned from the best Robo-Jazzercise ever, the Chenbot pranced over to her couch to introduce us to this week's nominees. We then caught our first glimpse of Kaysar, who was looking quite dapper and freshly showered -- a means to battle his burgeoning KaysarFro, no doubt. Usually Julie greets the houseguests at this time, but there was a lot on her plate this night. After all, we learned that this would be a double-eviction week. For the first time ever, the HOH would be nominating two house guests for elimination by the end of the hour. Wow. I could already imagine the inevitable Chen malfunctions (we gotta come up with a good word for that. Chenfunctions? Malfunchens? Chenbotches? Hmm. I like that last one).

However, not only did the Chenbot have a lot on her plate this week, so did the viewers as we finally got to see the much talked-about meltdown everyone's been buzzing about. We started directly after the Veto Ceremony as Kaysar walked away in disgust. "The way that she decides to play the game is very filthy," said Kaysar, adding, "She's filthy. And naughty. A naughty, naughty girl!" Kaysar then put his fingers over his mouth and laughed coyly. Okay, no need to turn him into an 18th century fop, but I will say that he's got to relax a smidge. I love you Kaysar (not like that), but seriously, don't be one of those righteous jerks. Everyone always gets their panties in a bunch when someone lies in this game, but honestly, it happens all the time. Did Kaysar not remember his little fib to Maggie just before the chess board veto? Not to take a pro-Friendship stance (and yes, don't worry, I still HATE them), but I'm sure Maggie felt just as stung as Kaysar did. Okay, maybe not as much. Kaysar did endure fourteen hours of button-pushing fun for his betrayal, buuuuut he also didn't have to let go of the button. Sigh. I won't rehash. It's too painful.

Meanwhile, looking like the cat that ate the bird (is that an expression? I think it is. If it isn't, it should be), James laughed happily in the Diary Room, amazed once again that he'd escaped the chopping block. He's a clever man, that James. Ever since Howie turned on him, he's suddenly become "moral" and "in touch with his feelings" -- ie. playing Ivette and her clan. And now, look where it's gotten him: laughing in the diary room... like the cat that ate the CANARY! That's it!!

By the way, I'd be much more impressed if the cat ate a larger bird. Just saying.

Up in the Head of Household room, The Friendship reconvened to gab and pat themselves on the back and in the case of Beau, make the stupid slumber party beds they'd set up. Little did they know this would be the last moment of peace and quiet in the house for the next few - well, who knows? The chaos is still brewing.

Downstairs, Kaysar confronted Jennifer with a little Cappy-style guilt: "Hey Jenny. Are you proud of yourself? Seriously, how does it feel?" She replied with some empty phrases and nonsensical babbling, eventually causing Kaysar to smile and say, "If you think I'm mad, I'm not mad. I'm amused." Come on Kaysar. You're mad. You have to admit it. Maybe just a teensy weensy. You're a little mad. It's okay.

Later, Howie, Kaysar, Maggie, Janelle, and April sat around the picnic table outside, still talking about the nominations. The tension was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. I take that back. You would need a machete. Maybe even the jaws of life. April tried to explain Jenny's actions, saying that the cheerleader shouldn't be taking the blame because the whole group pressured her to change her mind. No one was buying it though (pretty much because earlier that day, everyone had been saying how they had no idea what Jenny was going to do). It was clear that April was spewing up another fine torrent of bullshit, and so Howie's man-claws (similar to his borderline man-tits) came out. "Nice Howie is done!" he declared. Uh, how about "Funny Howie"? Can he go also?

A lot of times, hurt reality show contestants like to puff up their ego by believing that they'll now be some uber-contestant, one the likes of which we've never seen before EVER! (thunderclap, lightning, wind) You know what I'm talking about. How many times have we seen doomed players proclaim, "They're gonna wish they'd never come at me because they do not want to see the dark side of me!" or "I'm not being nice anymore. I'm going to be pure evil!" And then of course forty five minutes later they're voted off and playing on Battle of the Network Reality Stars.

In the case of Howie, however, he really meant it when he said "Nice Howie is done" because Asshole Dickface Howie suddenly showed up, and that's when the party really got started. He immediately threatened April, saying that she's gonna be gone next week, and when she said he was being mean, Howie simply replied, "You're stuck with me here or the sequester house. Deal with it." Ouch!

Seconds later Howie added: "You made a bad f*ckin' decision, honey." Looks like somebody's been taking lessons from Beau. Howie then did three air snaps in the shape of a Z, twirled swiveled his head, and sneered, "Talk to the hand, sister."

"No more cigarettes. No doggie," Howie taunted as Kaysar and Maggie tried to shut him up. But he was inconsolable. "It's hurricane season!" he yelled. He then added, "Seriously. It's hurricane season. I'm a meteorology student. Just felt like sharing. But anyway, where was I? Oh that's right. April, you're ugly."

Hurricane Howie strikes again! Take THAT, food!

Meanwhile, in the zing department, Janelle came up with quite the doozy. "He is looking like an idiot here," said April, causing Janelle to reply, "At least he doesn't look like a liar." ZZZZZZING!!! Round 1 to Janelle!

Later, Howie called April's husband fat and her dog stupid, I believe. This of course sent her crying into the Diary Room where she bawled, "Howie decided to not only personally attack me, but personally attack my husband and my dog." He personally attacked your dog??? Has Howie no decency?? Poor Pepperoni!! Or as April pronounces it, "Pepperowwwwni."

Well, April snuck into the bathroom and prayed to the porcelain gods. Seriously. She used the toilet as a pew (I'm sure Jesus appreciated that) and begged for the strength to make it through the week. Man, the last time she'd prayed this hard was when her son went off to the war. In Korea.

With all this craziness, we nearly forgot that this was actually a Chenbot episode, and so we came back to her standing in the studio with one knee bent ever so slightly, almost as if she was ready to spring forth at any moment and attack the camera. We then went to commercial, and when we returned, we once again descended into the madness of the Big Brother compound as Janelle now took her turn in the crazy bitch department. "Rachel, you're so beautiful!" exclaimed Janelle as she walked through the house. "Thanks Janelle, so are you!" replied Rachelle. Janelle then set her eyes on Maggie and sneered, "Maggie, you're such a bitch." Oh man. Janey is unhinged, folks. And it is awesome.

Later, as Janelle slurped down some wine, April walked by and accused her of being drunk, to which the VIP Waitress responded, "You gold-digging BITCH!" And for the record, April is a gold digger. Seriously. Lest we forget her tales from the great Klondike Gold Rush of 1896.

Next up in Janelle's crosshairs was Beau, the ineffectual and prissy she-boy whose biggest contribution to this season has been his allegedly huge penis. This was a very interesting little segment because I couldn't tell if Janelle and Beau were joking or fighting. They were both drunk, and while Janelle jokingly (or maybe not) accused Beau of sleeping with older men, he retorted that she had polyester hair. The two screamed at each other lightheartedly and then even got into each other's faces while laughing and screamed some some more. But then somewhere along the line, even though what they were saying hadn't really changed, Beau suddenly got pissed and started yelling for real. Or maybe not. They were laughing. No, they were fighting. Wait... what?

Eventually, other people came out and separated the two, and the final consensus seemed to be that Janelle was toying with Beau, and Beau was just being dumb. "You polyester hair bitch!" he yelled as The Friendship escorted him up to the slumber party. Janelle, meanwhile, rolled her eyes in the Diary Room, saying, "It's so easy to screw with Beau because he's such a little bitch."

Note to CBS: please devote exactly one hour a week to the sequester house this season. I guarantee it will bring you very high ratings.

Anyway, with Janelle brewing up a maelstrom of activity downstairs, April came huffing into the HOH room, declaring that she wanted to keep Kaysar around now. Just when all her buddies seemed about to jump on the bandwagon, Ivette piped up as the voice of reason and told everyone to stick with the original plan. Man, I really don't like this new "logical" Ivette. Whatever happened to her idiotic flights of Cappy whimsy? Actually, whatever happened to her Cappy fixation at all? With the house fully at war, doesn't she need Cappy now more than ever? And in the spirit of Cappy bashing, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that the current ugly state of affairs in the house can be directly traced back to a deep divide initially caused by Eric. Who would have thought the house would get so dirty in the wake of such a "clean" player...

The next morning, I kind of thought emotions would have calmed down, but no. Things seemed worse than ever. Howie had now graduated to mocking April's physical appearance, going so far as to call her "Busto" -- because she had a "busted" face (come on Howie. That's cruel. Anyhoo, I'm gonna go laugh at our April/Crypt Keeper comparisons some more...). April shot back by saying he'd need all the fingers, and while I was momentarily doing a "what the?", we then zoomed in on Howie's hand and discovered that he only had four fingers. Huh? How did that happen? Meteorology accident? A five-day forecast gone wrong? Well, Howie was intensely offended by April attacking his poor little stump of a finger, and accused her of taking a low blow. Yeah, busto ugly face with the fat husband and stupid dog! Way to take a low blow!

To Howie's credit, he did ask quite the relevant question: "How do you feel that America hates you, April?" Honestly, I did want to know the answer. I'm not sure if we Americans hate April the same way we hate Eric and now Jennifer, but I'm pretty sure there's a strong level of disgust. But I will say one thing. I do hate her stupid dog Pepperoni.

Speaking of the pup, Howie decided to move on from calling April a "big-bosomed busted blonde" and instead focused his attacks on her canine companion. "Hey we making pizza tonight, guys? Wanna make some of that homemade pizza that we made, James?" asked Howie. "We don't got eggs," answered James. "We don't got any pepperoni either!" shot back Howie with zing-tastic glee. It didn't really make any sense, but I enjoyed Howie's spirit of "if I say 'pepperoni' with the right amount of emphasis, it will be an insult." I was hoping for other put-downs like "So I was at the store and searching for sausage but all I could find was PEPPERONI!" or "I don't like high cholesterol things, like PEPPERONI!"

Instead, Howie went a different route, saying that he wanted to put April's dog on a pizza. That's kinda nasty, especially since April is the sort of woman who probably lets her dog lick her toes. Don't want that on my pizza. Still, the nonsensical threats worked their magic, and soon April was up in the HOH room bawling again. Just when we thought The Friendship might be breaking, Ivette suddenly stood up and made an eloquent speech about sticking together and keeping mentally strong. WTF? Did I not just say that I hate this new "voice of reason" from Ivette? Must she mock my every word?

Pepperoni pizza: forever ruined for April.

Back in the live studio, Julie rose from her couch like a camel-toed Jack-In-The-Box as she delivered her second "But first!" of the evening and introduced various voting testimonies from the diary room. Nothing too interesting was said, but I did notice that James picked up the annoying "Wear a symbolic accessory" trend as he kept Sarah's lavender sash tied around his neck. I suppose it was a sweet gesture, but it looked more like he'd had an unfortunate run-in with Carson Kressley.

Later, after the commercial break, Julie Chen talked with Jen up in the HOH room and asked her why the hell she had nominated Kaysar. Jen conveniently played the innocent card, saying it was the group's decision, not hers. Suuure. If the group decided you should never do a cartwheel again, would you obey also? NO! Because you can't stop doing them, can you BITCH? So stop blaming the flipping group!

Sorry, random outburst.

After the Chenterrogation, we saw more Diary Room discussion and blah blah BLAH, no commercial break, just back to Chen Central. She greeted the house guests and immediately cut to the chase, asking Kaysar and Janelle to say a few words to their roommates. The ever so dashing Kaysar rose to his feet, and interestingly enough, did not address his living room, but our living room instead. Yes, he was talking to America -- to us -- and in a gracious yet passive aggressive way, managed to thank the viewers and slam Jennifer all at once. It was brilliant; although, I don't really know why. Maybe it's because on some level, Kaysar knows that getting in tight with the viewing public could lead to bigger and better things for him outside the house. Or maybe it's because Kaysar knows that April and Jennifer and Beau will be mortified if they realize America does not, in fact, love them.

Janelle addressed the house next, and while I was expecting fireworks from her, she remained civilized (I'm sure the producers warned her) and gave an angry but well-stated speech, declaring that she'd never lied in the game. Finally, it was time for the results, and by a unanimous vote, Kaysar was evicted AGAIN. Hey producers, how about another round of the ole America's Choice? You know, just for shits and giggles. PLEASE.

Well, Kaysar left the household; although, this second departure was much colder than the last. Kaysar seemed to only hug members of his crew (he even got a smooch from Howie), but I wasn't sure if Kaysar was pulling a neo-Cappy move by shunning his enemies because he did embrace Beau. I'm thinking that The Friendship was just too cowardly to do anything beyond a casual pat on the back goodbye.

And so Kaysar left the Big Brother house and returned to Julie Chen who greeted the evictee with her rapid-fire, spring-loaded handshake. I kind of wish the producers would add a "boing" sound every time the Chenbot's hand zips up from her side. Here, we'll give you an example:

But anyway, for the third time in as many weeks, Kaysar arrived back on Julie's couch where he endured a whole new round of Chenterrogation. When asked why he was back so quickly, Kaysar said he had too little information and put too much trust in the wrong people. But, he reasoned, "I couldn't have done it any better." Uh, you could have kept your finger on the button, jerk.

When it came time for the goodbye messages, Janelle only had wonderful things to say, noting "You are one of the smartest people I've ever met." Keep in mind she works as a "VIP Cocktail Waitress." Not a lot of bright bulbs at the workplace...

Jen left a message too, trying to clarify one last time her actions. You see, when she made the deal, she intended to keep her word. But, well, she didn't. "To me that's not lying. I ended up breaking my word. That's what I did," she said. So you see, Kaysar? It was all a misunderstanding. She didn't lie. She just merely broke her word. Makes perfect sense.

"You see, Julie, I am a handsome man."

Well, the smiley Kaysar politely dismissed Jennifer (and his teammates for not doing what they were supposed to do in his absence. Thanks, HOWIE), and soon it was time to move onto the Head of Household competition. This week's game was called "Face the Facts," and for a moment, I thought Julie Chen might suddenly be doing some trash talkin'. You know, like "Hey Ivette. Yo' ass is so big, when your beeper goes off, people think you're backin' up. FACE THE FACTS!!!" But no, this was one of those contests where people had to answer Julie's questions by flashing a photo of an evicted houseguest.

Julie kicked off this HOH battle (or "P-battle" as she called it) relatively smoothly, but soon her inner-wiring began acting up as she snapped at contestants who were taking too long with their responses. "Howie, I NEED an answer!" said our impatient cyborg hostess. I could nearly smell the smoke coming out her escape valve.

Eventually, it came down to April, Janelle and Beau in a tie-breaker, and in case I wasn't already nervous about another week of Friendship reign, we now had one of those nail-biting Price Is Right guessing scenarios where the contestants had to write down how many light bulbs they thought were used in the box-office luxury competition. These always drive me nuts because you just never know how they'll turn out. Well, Janelle put what appeared to be her number up (300), but since it was upside-down, the Chenbot was unable to process the digits. "Janelle, you're upside down," she alerted, possibly on the verge of another breakdown. Janelle made a little oops sound, flipped her card and presented the actual number she wanted, 275. Well, the correct answer was 289 and you guessed it, our little Janey won Head of Household!!! And yes, much excitement was had in the TVgasm offices. And to think, she nearly missed it by a measly eleven bulbs. Thank goodness for the Chenbot's inability to read upside down. Otherwise, we may have been stuck with another week of Friendship power-mongering.

As Janelle shrieked and hugged her allies, we then witnessed one of the most enjoyable power transfers ever. Janey pointed her finger in Jennifer's face triumphantly and tauntingly, causing the outgoing HOH to throw the key down to the grass spitefully. Where're your cartwheels now, BITCH?

This pretty much sums up the way I feel too.

Anyway, we still had a little business to attend to. Janelle was whisked off into the Diary Room where she would learn about tonight's twist, but not before encountering some technical high jinks that nearly caused the Chenbot to full-on crash. You see, Janey's microphone wasn't working, causing the Chenbot to pause with that blank, "Why are you doing this to me on live TV?" look. I truly feared for the Chenbot's life because at any moment, it was clear that her head might start shaking back and forth rapidly and violently until finally the build up of steam would simply force her noggin to pop off like a cork, exposing a mess of wires and circuitry.

Luckily, Janelle's microphone situation resolved itself before the Chenbot could explode, and we watched with vicarious glee as Janey happily learned that this week would be a double-eviction week. Unfortunately, I think our new HOH mistakenly believed that she'd get to eject two different people from the game, but alas, we would not be so lucky.

When Julie broke the news to the house guests, Howie reacted similarly by jumping to his feet and yelling "YES!!!" Once he simmered down, Janelle came out of the Diary Room and revealed her nominations: Jennifer and Maggie. Wonderful. We're finally, FINALLY back on track to take out some Friendship numbers. This was actually a brilliant move. Assuming that Ivette allies with Maggie, and Beau and James follow what Ivette does, we can safely assume they'll vote against Jen. If Janelle's group wants Jen gone, all they have to do is add their two votes and Presto! Mission accomplished. But if Janelle's group wants Maggie gone, all they have to do is vote against her, and with April's vote (because she's not going to vote against Jennifer), it should go to a tie, with Janelle casting the deciding vote.

Clever girl...

And so it was only appropriate that as the show came to a close and we "eavesdropped" on the house guests, we witnessed a vengeful Janelle mock, "Bye-bye bitches!" Bye-bye indeed! Here's to a roller coaster ride that just won't quit.

What did you think? How will these nominations change the house?

Posted by at 4:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (112)

A few months back, I had a post about Pat O'Brien's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Yes, I knew it wasn't the Pat O'Brien of "Look at me and say yes" fame, but it was good for comic effect, and I got to plug my favorite sushi in town, Kabuki. Some may say I pimped it too much, but I do love it, and go there at least every other week, and you know what? Sometimes, dedication really pays off. B-Side, S-Lo, and I decided to have a chill evening on the town and made our way to Hollywood. We placed our order, and while we were waiting, who should walk in, but a woman who has spent much of the time atop my short list. That's right! It was Sarah Michelle Gellar looking quite the dish in her trendy denim and lavender top.

Read the complete tale after the jump. If you don't want to hear me gush, you'll probably want to skip this one.

Now people know that I am a Buffy freak, and I have always had a thing for SMG, so much so that I saw the first Scooby Doo movie on its opening Friday. Luckily, I knew a girl who is similarly afflicted, and she saved me from the pain of watching the movie alone (thanks CS), because none of my family or friends would even entertain the idea. I am not the one who usually spots celebrities. B-side is the master at that sort of thing, and spots celebrities like George Costanza spots mailboxes while squinting. I happened to be facing the door as she entered, and could tell it was her right away. She sat down at a table with a bunch of people, ordered a glass of wine, and proceeded to enjoy the evening of dinner.

Sorry, I am not the type to go up to celebrities when they are out, no matter what type of crush I hold for them. Therefore, this slightly voyeuristic account will have to do. I was planning on having a lot more stalkerish details, as there was a window in the side of my booth that afforded me a clear view of Ms. Gellar (we will never call her Mrs. Prinze or Gellar-Prinze or even acknowledge that any nuptials took place). Unfortunately for me, an old man sat down directly in my view, so I was unable to give you the dirt on what sort of sushi she likes, but I think she ate a salad anyway. This was probably for the better, as I was able to concentrate on, you know, dinner and conversation. Even better, I wouldn't have the embarrassment of trying to hide my boner as I got up from the table to leave. Yes, I was THAT excited.

Oh, there were other celebrities there tonight, such as Thaao Penghlis of Days of Our Lives fame, but honestly, what could take away my attention from SMG? Nice denim (fine ass), nice lavender top, and light makeup. Afterwards, as I was leaving the restaurant, I bumped into her outside, thought about saying something, but decided to let her enjoy her cigarette with her publicist or whoever she brought. After leaving the parking garage, I did make my way around to the street to get another view. Moments like these last a lifetime folks, and I fully intended on taking in that moment.

So, if great, inexpensive sushi wasn't good enough to get you to Kabuki before, the prospect of bumping into celebrities has to be enough extra motivation to get you to make a trip. And if you are sick of the saccharine tone of this post, it has inspired me to come up with yet another great TVgasm giveaway. Look for it later today!

Posted by at 12:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I know. I know. You are leaping to the PC crotch a-moistened to see what B-Side has come up with for tonight's TVgasmic Big Brother recap. But alas, you are only stuck with I, Madeyoulaugh. I consider myself merely the fluffer for that which is B-Side, I am the Bass to his Timberlake (did I just mix up boy bands??). I accept that.

But to keep you occupied until B-Side, or BS as his friends call him (Mr. Side to me), finishes his post, I thought I would take you down memory lane. Like the Calico before the Xbox, and the book before the television, all great technological advances allow for great change. Thus, it is true with The Chenbot. From the beta version of the mid-90s to the concept Chenbots of the future, follow the jump to see where she was, where she is, and where (technology willing) she will go.

Photo essay after the jump

The Chenbot Beta was limited in its capabilities, and the microdrive had not yet allowed for slender packaging. Much of the Beta's processor had to be stored in the bulb of her nose.

The Chenbot 1.5 allowed for some improvement including killing, skinning and wearing wild animals, but the latex covering was not color treated and tended to fade quickly when exposed to sunlight.

We all remember the lawsuit of 98, when the makers of the CHENBOT 2.0 were sued by the makers of the NORIEGABOT claiming it was merely a repackaging of their technology. A dark day for the bot movement.

Probably the largest leap forward in bot technology came with the Chenbot Pleasure Doll 1.0 whose slogan "I sucky, sucky long time" was confusing as many were unsure if that was an sexual come on, or an admission of the lack of any discernable talent/ability chip. Main changes to this bot was a resurfacing of the old facial mold, and was clearly using the new nano-tech which allowed for the slimmer nose line.

Once CBS began to manufacture the Chenbot, they redesigned her once again for a more family-friendly airbrushed "non-threatening minority" look.

Aside from a few camel toe resizings, not much has changed with the Chenbot.
But we here at TVgasm have recieved a sneak peak at ChenBot 5.0, to be revealed next year at Cannes. Scroll down for the all new CHEN BOT 5.0

She's Chentastic!!!

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 12:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

By EdHill

Wow, can you believe it's been only a week since the last Brat Camp? Yeah, well, it's acutally been two weeks because last week was a two-hour Peter Jennings retrospective. Thanks for paying attention. But in that two-week period we haven't exactly been brat-less (or is it Brat Camp-less?), because our troubled teens have been all over the news. First lovely Jada plowed a speedboat into a family in MA, and then "Angry Punk" Isaiah was caught scrawling racist epithets on a neighbor's home.  Something doesn't make sense here. I mean, they were given hippie names! What else could they possibly need!? Yeah sure, I suppose you could go the "traditional" route and say that "years of therapy" would work better than 40 days in a commune being followed by a camera crew, but that would just prove that you're a total square who just doesn't get it, man. Now pass the doobie.

This week's episode starts with the camp counselors, "Flying Eagle," "Mother Raven," and "Honey Pie" (Wait that last one is actually a Beatles song; I meant to say "Fire Bear") deciding who can stay and who can go home in time for the Holidays. Holidays? In August? Perhaps they are referring to Labor Day, or the Celtic holiday of Lughnasadh? Or maybe even the International Talk Like a Pirate Day? (Celebrated every September 19th in my household without fail. Arrr matey!) Of course not. Remember, we are on reality TV time where everything is 4 to 6 months behind. We're talking about Christmas 2004.

Our counselors sit around the campfire sharing notes about who has progressed far and who needs more work. This is accompanied by convenient reality TV flashbacks of each kid's best and worst moments. Lacey the drug addict and Derek, the guy who stabbed his twin, look to be making progress. As for Derek, the voiceover announcer once again points out that he tried to stab his brother. As for why, says the announcer, "The reason soon became clear." We then see a crying Nick in a flashback say "My brother hurts me. Not physically, but like, he calls me stupid." I would now like to point out that this little pussy would last 5 seconds in my family. Hey Derek, I'll trade you one "stupid" for a session where your older brother grabs your fist, starts slamming it into your face and says "why are you hitting yourself? Stop hitting yourself!" Or how about 16 years of being called "Special Ed"? Why don't you try that one on for size, pal? But I overcame that goddamit. Not only did I eventually get the chance to make my younger brother punch himself, but I've now moved on to a  successful career as a guest columnist for TVgasm and part-time male stripper. (I work the Tuesday lunch shift at George's Café in Bridgeport, CT. Mention TVGasm and get a free lap dance, ladies. But remember: no touching.) Another benefit of the constant flashbacks is we get to see for the third time in ten minutes Derek's midnight "I need my mommy" crying fit when he was in the wilderness last episode. Man, I hope he wasn't having viewing parties with his friends, cuz if one of them pointed out that that made him look "stupid" he'd get a knife in his gut.  
 
And it looks as if they've changed the wacky shorthanded nicknames that appear under their real names in the graphics. They are now replaced with the weird touchy feely ones the counselors created last episode. Isaiah is no longer the "Angry Punk" but is now shown as "Obsidian Snow Leopard" (Say what you want about these hippie counselors, but its clear that must have some really, really good pot to come up with something like that). Of course you would think that since he just spray painted racial epithets on a black neighbor's house, "Angry Punk" was a better fit, but "Obsidian Snow Leopard" looks cooler on the back of a bowling jacket. Everything's a trade off. On a related note, in keeping with the Brat Camp tradition of creating oddly mismatched, hard to spell nicknames, from now on I will only answer to the name "Crestfallen Bourgeois Platypus."
 
Back in the camp it looks like Frank is still having anger issues. But when you're someone like Frank, "anger issues" are better described as "hissie fits." He's having a bit of a tantrum and throwing his mat around, lashing out at Shawn who takes it all with a smile. We then cut to Shawn's "diary room"-like post interview where he says he wasn't too worried because Frank was named "Reluctant Bison Charging" for a reason. Oooh, snap! You just got burned by a guy named "River Carving Canyon." But hey, it could be worse, you could've gotten insulted by "Emerging Frog."
 
Next up we have the brats in a circle talking over how they think the others have changed during the experience. Lauren then becomes my favorite Brat Camper (Bramper?) by calling out Isaiah, announcing to all that he's a big phony who hasn't really learned anything and fakes it to the counselors because he wants to go home. She's of course absolutely right, and when Isaiah tries to defend himself by saying he thinks he's really changed and grown, Lauren calls it a "bunch of crock of crap." Ouch. She then adds "times infinity times infinity." She also says that Isaiah isn't respectful, and Isaiah tells her she is totally disrespecting him right now. To which Lauren says she doesn't "give respect until I earn respect." At this point the counselor named "Aspen," not recognizing the obvious fact that Isaiah has just clearly been served, cuts her off, telling her what a stupid statement that is. Because like, if you don't give respect until you get it, and the other person is the same, no one like, ends up respecting anyone, and that's like (and she actually said this) "how wars are started." Yes Aspen, that's why. Forget the complex geopolitical reasons, or thousands of years of religious conflict or border disputes that might cause wars. It's really all because each side didn't get respect before they earned respect. You're like Kofi Annon with a bad hat.
 

Condi Rice ain't got nuttin on me

Lauren ends up having a tearful talk with her dead father, and Heather talks to her mom who has been in a coma for 14 years. And not the fun kind of coma that creates wacky romantic misunderstandings like the movie While You Were Sleeping or the cool futuristic kind like Sly Stallone in Demolition Man. No, this is the bad one caused by overdosing on heroin. It's all very sad. Not to be outdone in the sad department, we get Lexie who confronts the man who molested her and breaks down crying. Man this is depressing. If it was me I would put stupid Howie in my chair for nominating James and Sarah instead of Maggie and Ivette. Jesus Christ how could you be so dumb! James is a harmless FLOATER! Go after the people who are allied! You are the reason were losing KAYSAR! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!

Wow, that actually made me feel better….
 
Now it's time for the big moment. "Flying Eagle" and his cohort have made the decision of who will stay through Christmas and who will get to go home. And it's not looking good for most of them. Heather and Lexie are the only two to make the cut, with Derek a maybe. Derek, like all the others, wants to get the hell out of this freezing cold desert full of Dave Matthews fans just as much as the others, so I found it really funny that the counselors' way of deciding whether he's ready is by asking him the most obvious and loaded questions imaginable to help them make their choice. "Are you willing to work on your problems?" "Will you talk to your brother?" "Are you sure you want to go home?" It doesn't take a genius to figure out how to answer those questions in order to get what you want. It's like when you're on a first date and a girl asks you whether you think she looks good in her thong.

Graduation day comes, and we have the tearful reunion between Lexie, Heather and Derek and their respective families. This is followed by all of them talking about how much they missed each other and how proud they all are.  All of this brings the hug per minute ratio of the last 5 minutes up to an uncomfortable 4/1.  This makes me fear for the finale next week….
 
As we leave our brat campers (bratters?) we get a glimpse of next week's season finale.  Get your nog ready and buy some firewood cuz its gonna be Christmas in August!

Posted by at 3:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

• It was only a matter of time before a long, hard object slapped Eva Longoria in the face. [AP]


• The Artist Formerly Known As P. Diddy has changed his moniker yet again. The Making The Band 2 star will henceforth be known simply as Diddy. Is it me, or does that sound like British slang for something? Actually it kind of is. According to the dubious Urbandictionary.com, "Diddy" can be "a fat barstard with a violent attitude," "a small man with poofy hair," "a woman's breast," or my favorite, "a little toiletry." [AP]


• NBC reveals the cast for The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. Plus, we get a glimpse of other WASPy touches like the "conference room" instead of a "boardroom" and a "loft" instead of "suite." So psyched. [NBC via Reality Blurred]


• Speaking of Martha, she's got a new talk show coming out this fall too. It will feature segments on cooking, gardening, crafts, and of course, shanking your bitch. [AP]


• So You Think You Can Dance? wins the Wednesday ratings. Man, can't wait for the fall schedule. [Hollywood Reporter]


• Shunned from ESPN, the beleaguered NHL takes its bidness to OLN where it will join other impressive sports such as bass fishing, deer hunting, and rodeo...ing. I guess it sort of fits... [Hollywood Reporter]

Posted by at 1:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It seems as though there's chaos in the Big Brother house. In the wake of last night's tumultuous veto debacle, the warring roommates have been cursing each other ceaselessly.

First, clips of Janelle calling Beau a cokehead who sleeps with old men surfaced yesterday on the internet. Now Reality Blurred and Joker's Updates are reporting that Howie and April have been sparring viciously. Meanwhile Ivette has returned to her tradition of anti-Muslim hate mongering. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like any of this will wind up on the air, but man, I sure hope it does.

This may be CBS's best ploy to get subscribers to their live feeds in years.

For more information about the house meltdown, check out:

• Reality Blurred
• Joker's Updates - blow by blow transcript
• Bedazzled - live feed clips (thanks to Defamer and Sorry I Got Drunk for the heads up)

Posted by at 4:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (30)

... And sweaty guys and squirts on shirts and bubble blowing and - you know what? Baseball is gay enough as it is, so no need to make it any gayer, Wes. What the hell am I talking about? In the latest episode of The Cut, Wes gave us his singular vision of what New York says to him: Hot guys with sweaty wieners and nice balls. And I say more power to him - it's about damn time we move past the 9/11 iconography and into a new age of homoeroticism. Transit cops, grow those mustaches and lose those shirts! Times Square, be the Pink Triangle you truly are! Homeless bums, pig piles on Fridays! Broadway shows, stay just the way you are, sister! But I digress... The show was about more than just Wes's gay fantasies as there were six others still competing for The Cut's crown. And the show is definitely picking up steam - Chelsea bath house steam, perhaps, but steam nonetheless.

The episode opened at the SoHo loft where the gang was commiserating over Rob Walker-from-Brooklyn's recent ejection. Chris, feeling guilty for selling his friend out, kept mindlessly repeating how much he loved Rob. Princess was bawling her eyes out. Um, people, isn't this a competition? Didn't Rob suck? Did you really think HALfiger would hire a guy who slopped fabric paint on t-shirts and shoes for a living? Get over it already. At least Wes did, stating, "I don't care that people are getting booted. That's one less person to worry about. I want to win and I'm about to get CRAZY!" Score one for the CBS foreshadowing department...Though I've been waiting for a night vision scene of a cockroach scampering across the counter, a la Survivor's nighttime crab-on-beach cliché. Make it happen, CBS, make it happen.

As always, the wooden HALfiger gathered the remaining lucky seven and bored them with a tale from his past. This week, they met at Empire State Park (actually, it's called Empire-Fulton Ferry State Park, but that doesn't exactly fly off the tongue) and HALfiger explained how he made his mark with "iconic imagery." Instead of the old stodgy models other designers were stuck on, HALfiger brought in some "young, hip, cool kids and let them have fun." I don't know what it was, but hearing someone as incredibly boring and robotic as HALfiger explain how he is a trendsetter was a little bit surreal. Anyway, before Liz and Princess were about to choose their teams, HALfiger told them they'd be working as individuals this week. You know, like every single other reality show does with 6 or 7 people remaining. Can this show do anything original?

The challenge for the week was actually pretty cool. One thing about this show is that CBS dumped a lot of money into it, as they've had some pretty elaborate challenges. It's kind of sad to see, when you realize it was obvious the network had very high hopes for their Apprentice/Project Runway rip-off... And now it's competing with the WB's "What I Like About You" reruns on Friday nights. (And really, with that comedic powerhouse due of Amanda Bynes and Jennie Garth, how could you even hope to compete?) Strangely, the show seems to be getting better and better as it goes along - and this week was no exception. I've been enjoying The Cut recently - and that sort of scare me. Oh TVgasm, what have you done to me?! Anyway, the challenge this week was for each person to set out on their own to secure a fashion photographer and a Ford model to create their own bold iconic vision of New York City. With $2500 each to spend and two days to get their shots, HALfiger's only command was for them to get a memorable photograph that has never been done before. My IronyMeter 2000 maxed out at that point, realizing that The Cut is the most derivative show... Ever.

Speaking of that, the show immediately became a mini-Amazing Race as the Magnificent Seven scurried across the snow to the seven waiting cabs. What made this scene fun was that the women were in heels and skirts and decidedly un-Amazing Race apparel. I silently prayed for Princess to slip and fall on her face (as happens every Amazing Race mad opening dash) but she didn't. Damn. And I can't even think of a clever way to work in the term "Ice Princess," either. Oh well. They all got in their cabs and roared across town to the pre-determined photographer’s agency. Deanna, having watched TAR before, implored her driver to pass and cut off everyone else. Scared that he had an angry transvestite in his cab, the driver complied and she was first to arrive. This bit of cunning elicited surprise from Liz, who had thought she was first to arrive. I'll let Deanna explain the shock on Liz's face: "After she threw up in her mouth a little, Liz asked me, 'How did you get here first when I had the first cab?'" Without skipping a beat, Deanna reasoned, "Because you're a bitch." I have no idea how that correlates, but I didn't care - I loved it. I learned long ago that "Reality TV logic" is a little bit different from mine.

Each contestant secured his or her photographer and only the last to arrive - Shauna - appeared a bit disappointed. They all had already more or less formed their ideas in their little heads as to what their "iconic vision" was going to be. This surely helped them choose their models, which was the next order of the day. Ah, models... Me likey models. And for once, I was going to be treated to REAL models, signed by the Ford agency - not the wannabe models that infest every other reality show under the sun. As a big fan of Project Runway (which I'll be happily recapping for TVgasm this season, by the way), I was always interested in the differences between "real models" and the jokers on other shows, like America's Next Top Model. I mean, those young women, lovely as they may be, would never actually be signed to a top agency like Ford Models! Tyra Banks needs to stop giving them such false hope! It's not like we'll ever see one of them agai- "Oooh, Ya-Ya! I'll take her!" Um, what?

Yes, The Cut's Dubious Princess scored Top Model 4's Nubian Princess Ya-Ya, who is contracted with the Ford Agency. Good for her - I actually thought she was by far the most modelesque from that "cycle," so it's nice to feel vindicated. Thank goodness her skin seems to have cleared up, or else we'd be seeing her on Surreal Life (Season 1 winner Adrianne Curry), Celebrity Fit Club (Season 4 fatty Tocarra), Kevin Hill (Season 4 winner Eva), or judging the Miss Teen USA pageant (Season 5 winner Naima). As for the others, they all got down to securing their models, with Young Wes demanding a "corn-fed all-American white boy." You could tell he was already getting excited just looking at the choices. Christ, I fully expected to see his boner.

Now would be a good time to give the rundown on each person's vision: Liz wanted a shot of her model at Grand Central Station in a ball gown made from the American Flag, showing the "hurry up and wait" nature of New York. Princess was doing hers at the NYSE on Wall Street. Chris wanted a "female version of [him]" in Harlem. Deanna was going for "a youthful powerful girl with a sense of self in the midst of Manhattan." Felix opted for a "rough-edged immigrant near the Statue of Liberty." Shauna decided upon a black and white photo of a girl exciting a taxi in Times Square. And then there was Wes. After calling a few sporting goods stores looking for "multi-colored jockstraps," Wes revealed he was going for the "hot, sweaty baseball player with lots of hot dogs and baseballs and mustard squirted on his chin and shirt." The funniest part of his idea was just how goddamned excited about it he was. He simply couldn't get over himself and his idea, getting increasingly wild-eyed and horny. Trust me, if CBS allowed it, he wouldn't have been using hot dogs and chin mustard as stand-ins for his own apparatus and effluvia. It was actually nice to see a gay man get all hot and bothered by perhaps the gayest fantasy ever aired on network television. And hey, if Wes doesn't win The Cut, I have a feeling Abercrombie and Fitch Catalog will be calling him soon. The boy knows his homoerotic symbolism, that's for sure!

Drink for every time Chris wears a different HALfiger hat.

We were treated to some of the gang discussing their ideas with their photographers and designers. Liz, solidifying her Lee Greenwood fan club membership, got all serious with her dressmaker stating, "I have two rules: Do NOT let the flag touch the ground and do NOT cut the flag." The dressmaker, most likely a recent immigrant, said, "Okay" and did her best to ignore Liz's humming of, "I'm proud to be an American..." Shauna was not having such a good time talking with her photographer, capitulating to every idea she had. She explained, saying that she's dealt with these "creative types" before and there's no sense talking to them. And speaking of "creative types," after Wes giddily explained his photo idea through his maniacal grin, Felix matter-of-factly stated, "Wes's photo is extremely gay." He went on to explain that the ocean is extremely wet and contestant Chris Cortez is extremely into HALfiger gear.

This episode was cool in that there were essentially 7 different story arcs to follow, with each person on their own. Checking back in with each person, here are some choice cuts with my comments: Deanna was in midtown with her wacky looking model with a white cat on a leash (totally corny). Felix was out on a ferry rushing his shot of his model leaping for joy at the sight of Lady Liberty. (Felix explained how he was "real deep right now." He forgot to say, "Last week? When I quit a few times? Yeah, not so deep then.") Shauna was having issues in Times Square - not only was her model downright ugly, but her photographer was dictating every angle and every new idea. Chris Cortez was in an opposite situation uptown in Harlem with his hot little blond model. He was barking out orders to his model telling us that he wanted her to look out of place. Right. A half-naked blond model in winter in Harlem. Chris, dude, no need to tell her to look any more "out of place." Short of zipping her up to Neptune, I think you've nailed your shot. He started getting really annoying, repeating over and over and over, "You look lost, y'know, lost. Look lost. You're lost, look lost." After he gets booted, I'm hoping that poor model is outside the Style Forum to greet Chris with a hearty, "You lost, y'know, lost. You lost. You lost, yes, lost."

Princess was working fine with Ya-Ya in the Financial District but I was upset that CBS subjected us to Princess's yapping about how her shot was "so me!" Yup, Princess, you who can't conjugate a verb to save your life, will soon be stepping from luxury sedans to head off to your seven-figure Wall Street job. Right... What a "royal" (ahem) pain in the ass. I also enjoyed snippy Liz commanding her (beautiful) model to look defiant and proud in the train station. "I know you're not an American but try to act like one." I wished the Eastern European accented retort came, "Yaa, how you say in dis county, like a pet-u-lant bitch?" And finally, baseball fan Wes was having the time of his life at the indoor batting cages with his model. He stated, "I'm totally thinking outside the box." We know, Wes, we know. You haven't thought about being inside a 'box' in your life, hardee-har-har. He was going for the "Zoolander" Blue Steel look, but was too distracted with his hormones and sexual overdrive. In the end, his model put up with his nonsense and despite all the props and playthings, the final shot was merely a head shot. Huh, huh... I said "head."

Just before Style Council, each player had to select their one photo that would be judged by HALfiger. Wes went with Liz and Felix to choose pictures and while he was on the phone with Deanna back at the apartment, she blurted out, "Why would you go anywhere with Liz?" Deanna, meet the speakerphone function...whoops. Liz would quickly forget Deanna's rudeness once she got to Style Forum. That's because, as a surprise to everyone, their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was there to judge their photographs.

Well, the Messiah himself didn't actually appear, but judging from the reaction on the Cutters's faces, I certainly thought Karl Lagerfeld was a deity of some sort. That's right, fashion designer/photographer icon Karl Lagerfeld crawled out from his crypt and slowly crept across the stage to greet HALfiger. Equal parts Ozzy, Dracula, Liberace, and (dead) Pope, Mr. Lagerfeld muttered some opinion on each photograph as he looked like a shaky old Parkinson's victim trying to decide whether he wanted to eat the creamed corn, to sit in a corner, to play shuffleboard, or to watch Matlock. I fully expected him to rub his ring covered hands together and seethe, "My pretties..."

As is always the case on The Cut, the random "friend" of HALfiger's opinion didn't matter a whit as he was sent back to his nurse off stage so the host could weigh in and make his final determinations. HALfiger liked the photos from Chris, Princess, Wes and Liz - determining her to be the winner. Can't say I disagree, as though four definitely had the strongest photographs. That meant Felix, Deanna, and Shauna had to take that fateful step into the fiery depths of the abyss called "the 2 inch pit." Deanna's photo of the wildly dressed floozy in midtown walking the cat was "too Paris Hilton, too trendy." Felix's was too abstract because, as Felix admitted, he "didn't understand the challenge." Shauna's was just too DKNY with the yellow taxicab and too bland. It was evident that Shauna's effort was the weakest and even as HALfiger said as much, Felix decided to eliminate himself. Wow, just like Bradford on the Apprentice or that skinny guy on Survivor several seasons ago, it looked like we'd have a self-elimination.

However, HALfiger's circuitry is not wired to handle such self-sacrifice and he ultimately told Shauna and her gray teeth to "take the runway." Not content with ending the show on that usual note, HALfiger admonished Felix for being "dumb." Just a wild guess here, but methinks that's a tall order for our intense skateboarding little Felix, no? So Shauna is gone and Felix lives to fight another week to try to quit or eliminate himself again - and next week two people will be sent home, so he has double the chance!

Posted by at 3:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

Yes, I know I used the same title that the show's producers came up with. What can I say? It's a good one and it certainly has all the qualities I try to impart in my own titles. I do feel cheesy using it though... My second choice was "Janice Dickenson is Still a Bitch." And an ugly one at that. This week's episode opened with a harrowing look at Janice: Behind the Mask. Oh. My. God. She is a downright disturbing-looking human before the two hours of work her stylists put into her face every day. You know how sometimes you'll be hiking in the woods and stumble upon a perfectly good-looking deer carcass and say to yourself, "Hmm, a well-preserved dead deer. I think I'll take the head and mount the antlers above my fireplace. This will prove to Dad finally that I AM a man and I can hunt and kill and all that manly stuff, even if I have to lie a little." And so you go over to the dead deer and lift up the head but much to your disgust and dismay, as you lift the antlers it pulls the buck's face off with the rack, exposing the decaying maggot-infested interstitial facial fatty tissue? Well, Janice Dickenson is just like that. Except she a human and not a deer and she's alive and not dead. I think.

Wait, you mean you've never happened upon a dead deer and attempted to validate your manhood by stealing its antlers in a lame attempt to appease your father? Oh. It's back to the therapist for me, I suppose. Keep in mind that the show only exposed the evil beast behind the Janice mask for a mere split second - as I'm sure her contract said something like, "You may not air one second of footage of me before I am made up for the day." So VH1 aired about .85 seconds worth with the opening credits onscreen to boot... Well played, VH1, well played.

After regrouping and refocusing on the show, I was treated to a shirtless Jose Canseco - Stanozolol bitch tits in full effect - flirting with International Swimsuit model, Caprice. Awwww, how sweet. With the ex-Mrs. Canseco gracing this month's Playboy, maybe Mr. Steroids could woo a new girlfriend? "If she got into a gym and worked out, she'd be good looking." Oh Jose can you see, your flirtations are just so undeniable! What a sweetheart.

At that point, the Surreal Gang pored over the latest issue of The Surreal Times. This issue told them that they would be driving out to the desert to partake in Carey Hart's passion: Motocross. Who's Carey Hart? Funny you should ask... he's actually on the show! I know, I know, if you missed the last episode you wouldn't believe it, but it's true. And, it turns out, he's a top motocross rider, who counts broken bones instead of trophies! He's X-TREEM! One person who is decidedly not X-TREEM (but who can certainly be "extreme") is The World's First Supermodel, Janice Dickenson. She immediate threw her 536th tantrum of the 6 days she's been in the house, storming off to call her agent to demand a pass on the day's events. "I am not going to jeopardize myself for a reality show." Wah-Waaaaahhhh. Later, her true fears came to light: "The desert is a hot, sunny place. I am actually JD2005a, an experimental being created by a team of rogue plastic surgeons and mad geneticists on an island off of Borneo. Corn syrup courses through my silicone veins and, quite frankly, baking in the desert sun would cause me to deform to such grotesque proportions, I'm not sure I'd be recognizable anymore. And I can't have that."

Balki wasn't hearing it and he begged her to go along. For his efforts he was met with a fine, "Shut the hell up and get away from me." You know what's funny? Remember all those times on America's Next Top Model when this bitch used to tell the terrified aspiring models that they'd need to do tons of things they didn't want to do in this life and how that was all part of modeling? God, this woman has zero redeeming qualities. Pepa, however, has at least one rather daunting/impressive redeeming quality. I'll let the pictures do the talking:

This shit is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s!

Once in the desert (with Janice in tow), they were led to a dusty motorcycle track in the middle of nowhere. My dreams of the production crew running back to the van and speeding off - leaving Omarosa and Janice to die slow deaths - were quickly dashed when Carey Hart busted a tabletop jump over their heads. Janice, completely forgetting that she didn't want to come out here, began screaming, like the banshee she is, "OR-GASM!" Why? I don't know. But I still hate her. A lot. Apparently seeing guys half her age in full motocross gear jump through the air causes her such sexual excitement that she spontaneously orgasms. Either that, or, she likes hearing herself say the stupidest shit at the stupidest times. You decide.

As promised, the Surrealers had to hop on a bike and try it out. Canseco was very hesitant at first. And for good reason - he sucks. He fell in 1st gear at about 8 mph on flat desert. That was still better than Janice who couldn't start the bike and claimed to have hurt her ankle on the kick-start thing. "I have delicate ankles after walking 4 million miles on fashion runways." I hope, at least, all those girls who Janice mercilessly bashed over the 4 seasons of Top Model are watching this show and getting some sort of pleasurable vindication. Put it this way, Janice is such a pathetic, ugly, despicable, horrible person, she makes you forget what a pathetic, ugly, despicable, horrible person Omarosa is! Omarosa was barely noticeable in this episode, if you can believe that.

Anyway, the gang made their way around the track in 1st gear until, all of a sudden, Caprice zoomed by in 2nd and took a pretty hard digger over a little jump. The poor thing did fall rather hard. However, she bounced up quickly, brushed it off, and resumed her ride. At that, Jose exclaimed, "She has more balls than I do." Kids, if you need still more proof that steroids are bad, there you have it. At the end of the day, Caprice "won" for being the best rider (she actually was, ironic as it may seem) and got a prize. Oddly, it turned out to be a tiny little motorcycle, like the Shriners ride at your local Independence Day parade. That reminds me - WTF are the Shriners and why the hell do they ride around in circles on mini motorbikes? What stage of senility must one reach to think that that is a worthy pursuit?

Back at the Surreal House, it was "contrived slumber party" time, and each guest could invite a friend. Pepa brought in Spinderella, which was pretty cool. Janice brought some loser named Vince, Caprice invited some girlfriend, Hart brought in his boy, and Jose brought his dog, Zeus. Balki brought...no one. Geez, I knew the dude was a loser, but this is getting sad. Where was Cousin Larry for Christ's sake? Help a brother out! In the end, Zeus and the resident 3-legged dog Lucky seemed to have the most fun, except when poor Lucky was trying to get lucky, he kept falling over due to his missing appendage. Yes, I was watching gay crippled dog sex on my TV and laughing at it. Is that bad?