• Two agencies are suing Paramount over Frasier royalties. No word yet, but insiders expect this dispute to resolve itself after all involved parties attend a comically frantic, mildly gay dinner party. [E! Online via Yahoo]


• Steve-O makes a drunken fool of himself on Too Late with Adam Carolla. And this is supposed to be surprising? [E! Online via Yahoo]


• The creators of Child's Play and Desperate Housewives working together? Why that sounds craptastic! [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]


• Two writers from 24 create, and this is not a joke, 13 for Fox. This is the most exciting brand countdown since Monistat dropped from 7 all the way to 1. [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]

Posted by at 4:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Enjoy this clip from last night's Apprentice, featuring quite possibly the best marketing campaign Lamborghini could ever ask for. Full recap to follow later.

Posted by at 2:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (26)

So far this season, it looks like the third time is once again the charm for The OC. There are still plenty of things that we can't really explain, but they are doing a little bit of a better job on knowing when to get in and out of story lines and how long they should wait to reveal a big twist. And although a lot of people may disagree, the show is really much more fun and believable when the kids are acting their age. By adding characters and putting the old ones in differing situations, there is a new balance to the show that we have been missing for a long time. Couple that with acting that, while nobody will confuse for an HBO Original Series, is nowhere near as laughable as it was before, and I think that it is now officially cool to be watching The OC again, even if a lot of us never left. OK, we complained a lot, but still, we never left.

Since Ryan and Marissa were kicked out of school, we have all been wondering what it is that they are going to do with the two kids. Julie had thought about first boarding school and then moving to Hawaii with Marissa, but with Caleb's death and Jimmy skipping town, both of those choices aren't really an option anymore. The only thing left is to leave your kids in the hands of the government, which means public school, which means that Ryan and Marissa will be starting at Newport Union fairly soon. Therefore, I find it odd that they start off the show with Ryan driving and Summer and Seth going at it (verbally) in the back seat. If Ryan and Marissa are going to Newport Union, what the hell are Summer and Seth going to do? I mean, I guess they could get out of the car and move up front, but why not have them drive in the first place.

My concerns are taken care of when we learn that Ryan is going to be home schooled, meaning that Marissa is hitting Newport Union herself, and you just never know what she is going to run into. As she walks down the hall, she sees a lot of people staring at her, but it's just because she is new. It doesn't take long before somebody calls her "Newport Barbie". But who cares about the looks, at least she is going to get a fresh start. But the surroundings! How can anybody learn in a place like this? Blacks, and Asians, and Hispanics. Oh my! Marissa, what have you got yourself in to now? Luckily, Ryan lingers in the car for a few moments and takes inventory of any person he thinks he may have to beat up later.

At Harbor, Summer has her own problems. She made the carnival so awesome; it kind of landed her a job as the social chair. She didn't really want it that badly, and you could argue she never wanted it at all. Her main purpose for doing it is to keep it away from Taylor Townsend. Even so, Summer thought it was a figurehead position, and she never realized all of the work involved, like finding the right DJ. She has decided on DJ Bootyopolis, and picking the right DJ is really half the battle in these things. It just so happened that I was the social chair in college. You have to imagine a time when I wasn't so old, angry and anti-social, and was more, well, drunk all the time. I even said "Toodles" once. Anyway, DJs are sometimes a pain. Some of these people would refer to themselves in the third person. Seriously, who leaves a message on your machine that says, "Hey J-Unit, this is DJ Rockin Lou, that date will be fine. I need half of the fee for deposit. Thanks and Rocking Lou OUT!� Seriously, who does that? But whatever her problems are, they don't compare at all to Seth, who is being forced to clean bathrooms as part of his detention, or "work release" as he refers to it. I am sure he would have objected a little to his treatment if he weren’t so adept at cleaning toilets because of his stint at the bait shop.

Ryan is back at his house, and after seeing how alone Marissa would be at school. It's not that she can't make friends, but what will she do if she can't find somebody who loves Prada and Chanel? How is she going to make friends? What if the kids are too poor to know about things like lying outside by the pool, or TALKING? As her boyfriend, Ryan has to do something, right? No, you're wrong! Sandy's got this parenting thing down. Ryan will stay home with his tutor and he WILL think about college and he WILL prepare for his SATs. By the way, if he wants to go to one of those magical elite schools he was talking about, he needs to get in the SATs, SAT IIs, and maybe think about early admission to one or two of these places in the next couple of months, no? Eh, I guess that is being too picky.

Satisfied that he won't have to call in Dr. Phil to fix his kids, Sandy moves on to see what is going on with his wife. There she is outside.... gardening? God, how generic could this rehab place be. Next thing you know, we'll find out she also took crocheting and is going to start making Chrismukkah sweaters for everybody. Sandy asks her what is going on, and Kirsten says that she learned in rehab that she must confront her fears. Her biggest fear is cooking so she starts off with an herb garden. I have always thought Kirsten's biggest fear was actually eating her food because she didn't want to get fat. She's obviously done a great job with that, and it makes Sandy as horny as ever.

Herb's the word, cooks the verb...

After a little hint at the sex that was going to go on in their shower, they cut to a one second shot of the ocean. I am not sure if people caught it, but I was wondering why the hell it was there. It was directly above the water, so no idyllic countryside, and literally was on screen for like a second. Was it all just a metaphor for the sex that we just saw was about to happen? I am so confused.

Marissa is making it through her first day without too much problem, except that she doesn't know where her classes are and she keeps on bumping into this bully who wants to beat her up. In their first meeting, this girl called Marissa "Newport Barbie". This time, Marissa bumped into her while she was trying to find a class. Like most new kids, she apologizes, and it looks like the bully girl is going to let her go, at least on one condition. She wants Marissa to tell her that she is better than her. When Marissa says she doesn't think she is better than her, the bully then asks, "What, do you think I am stupid?" I was waiting for Marissa to say, "Well, I don't think you're stupid, but the script says that since you dress in all black you have to be my enemy. Your dark clothes are a metaphor for how your dark soul threatens to black out my sunny outlook for the first day at my new school."

It's clear that the bully just wants to pick a fight, and it's clear that Marissa would not be much of a match for her. Luckily for Ms. Cooper, there is another girl who has been watching the whole thing and decides to give Newport Barbie a little helping hand. We learn that this other girl's name is Casey, and she appears to be the doppelganger of a 17 year-old Sheryl Crow if Sheryl Crow was like 1/8th Mexican.

Continuing through the rest of her day, Marissa has another one of those situations that only appear in your "first day at a new school" nightmares. She is trying to access her locker but can't remember the combination, or even which locker it is. A boy comes up to her to try and help, and starts to make some small talk. He tells Marissa locker assignments are in the vice-principals office, and that he will show her how to get there since he is so familiar with the place. Marissa thanks him, but says that her boyfriend will be coming to pick her up soon, and that she'll figure it out tomorrow. Out of nowhere, Casey comes by. I think that there is now going to be some fight between Casey and Marissa about the boy, Johnny, but it turns out that everything is cool. Casey and Johnny are together, and Casey has brought along their sidekick, Dennis. Dennis is awkward, rides a skateboard, and makes a lot of bad jokes.

Hmm, this all seems familiar. We have a bad boy who is always in trouble, his girlfriend who is pretty and the most stylish person in school, and their sidekick dorky boy with no social skills. It looks like Marissa has stumbled upon the Bizarro world version of her clique at Newport Union. It's really a perfect situation, and it looks like they want a new person to add to their clique, because they invite Marissa to get some grub afterwards. Marissa knows that Ryan is coming to pick her up, but she really wants to make friends, so she gives him a call. Even though Ryan is sitting in the parking lot waiting for her, he knows it will be easier for her if she made friends, so he doesn't make a fuss. But we all see the look on his face where he's thinking if he's already been replaced. I don't think Ryan has anything to worry about, at least until the inevitable moment when we learn Johnny got a girl pregnant, Casey has a drinking problem, and Dennis (who we are supposed to call Chili) reads comics.

When Marissa gets home, her mother asks her if she doesn't mind staying a Summer's house for a little while, and tries to make up an excuse about the lawyer thinking they were moving out and whatnot. Julie is a bad liar and Marissa sees through her excuse and says that she doesn't have to be protective anymore. Julie then tells Marissa that they are going to get through it, and when Marissa says that she believes her, that she knows she is a survivor and can trust her to get them through this, it means a lot to her mother. If we thought that Caleb being broke was a worst-case scenario for Jimmy, it is even worse for Julie. She has depended on men for her income, and never really planned for a time when she would have to do stuff on her own.

So Summer is getting a sister at home. She is so close with Marissa, they have the one relationship that hasn't had a major falling out at any point during the series, which means that they will have to have a fight before long, so watch for that. What we weren't expecting was for Summer to have a new BFF at school. And who was it that could replace Marissa Cooper? Could it be the wannabe Marissa Cooper, Taylor Townsend?

As strange as it sounds, it looks like that is exactly what is happening. Summer has been super busy planning the school dance, and Taylor asks if she can help out. The whole idea that Taylor Townsend would think Summer would have any interest in Taylor helping out was just laughable, but then Taylor began to pour her heart out to Summer. Senior year was supposed to be different. For a number of reasons, she doesn't have any friends, and the real reason she wanted to be social chair was because she wanted a chance to show that she can change, and maybe for once people will write something in her yearbook that would mean something. Maybe people would say it was great to finally get to know you.

If there is one thing that Summer cannot resist is a good sob story, and despite everything that Taylor has meant to her in the past, she lets Taylor help out. One of the girls was having trouble cutting out an octagon, and hers had only three sides, which of course makes it a triangle. Summer should have just made it easy and used the best shape of all - the RHOMBUS. I don't actually think there is anything that great about the RHOMBUS, but I love saying RHOMBUS. It has some sort of flair to it. RHOMBUS! Ok, I'll stop capitalizing rhombus because it is annoying, but you should all go out and try to use rhombus in a conversation with a friend. Notice the looks that you receive. If they aren't puzzled, they will surely be impressed because everybody loves a RHOMBUS. Oh shit, there I go again.

It seems almost too good to be true that Taylor is all of a sudden being very friendly, but it appears she has become nice, or at least a little bit smaller of a skank bitch. After overhearing a conversation in the teacher's lounge between Dean Hess and another teacher, Taylor knows she has to report back to Summer, and it's not good news. The Dean said that if Seth doesn't give up his accomplice, he will be suspended. Seth has refused to narc on Summer, so she knows that if she wants to help her boyfriend, she is going to have to confess herself. She walks into the Dean's office, which appears even larger than Dr. Kim's office, and is a lot bigger than the office of our truant officer in High School, which was basically a spare desk outside of the principal's secretary's office. Summer lets him know that she was the one who helped Seth, and he shouldn't be suspended. Dean Hess looks at her, says that he is happy she came forward, but with this new information, he wouldn't be able to let her continue on as social chair. Suddenly, it all comes into place for Summer. Taylor set her up and never really wanted to be friends at all.

In the world of our adults, Sandy and Kirsten are wondering what to do about the Newport Group. Basically, the company is in deep shit because Caleb mismanaged it so thoroughly. They could probably build it back up, but it would take a lot of work. Kirsten doesn't think that it is worth it, and decides to liquidate the company. It all perfectly makes sense, Kirsten is trying to put everything in the past, but it also makes it difficult for a number of people, including Julie Cooper, who was hoping to get a loan from the Newport Group to get back on her feet. Sandy tells her that is not possible, even without the liquidation. Now Julie has nothing to do except act surprised when the repo men come and take everything out of her house.

Every divorcée's nightmare; a well-dressed asian repo man.

As inconvenient as all of this was for Julie, it was even worse for Charlotte. When we last saw our buxom friend, crawling out the back window of her cabin house, which really wasn't her cabin house. That means that this whole thing was an elaborate scheme to get close to Kirsten, but why? Charlotte sends Kirsten some flowers, invites her to lunch, and we soon find out that Charlotte is a con artist. During their lunch, Charlotte says that she wants to create a halfway house for women who are recovering from addiction. She has a lot of investors, but she knew Kirsten would love to help out. With just a couple of million dollars, Kirsten could help out, and make her money back in a couple of years.

Kirsten is completely naive, and would have been taken to the cleaners, but without any of her father's money, she doesn't have a couple of million lying around that she can invest. She tells this to Charlotte, who is dumbfounded. Apparently, she faked her way in to rehab, at a very expensive place, just to get close to Kirsten and scam her from her father's money. She rented a cabin to come up with this scheme, and now it looks like it was all for nothing. Desperate, Charlotte asks if the Newport Group would like to be a silent partner. Kirsten tells her that they are liquidating and nothing will be left.

Charlotte knows that Kirsten holding on to the Newport Group might be her last best chance to get money from Kirsten, so she tries a little bit more of that reverse psychology that worked so well in rehab. I can see it now, "Oh you may THINK that selling your father's company will make things better, but you are wrong. And I should know. Remember? The experiences with my father are very similar to your experiences with your father. Whenever I thought I should liquidate my dad's assets, I thought better and decided to rebuild those companies and give the money to charity. That's why I don't have enough money to finance this thing myself. BTW, why do you always listen to my advice? I have told you that I have relapsed many times? And why would a person who has relapsed so many times be a good business partner for a halfway house. Oh, did I say that out loud? Damn!" What made this scene great was the "Kirsten Manipulation Music" playing in the background. Just in case you didn't know things were sinister, it would get louder whenever Charlotte would lie. Relevant crescendos are something of a lost art form on television these days, don't you think?

For Marissa, her second day of school was better. She had a few friends, wasn't getting lost as often, but there was still that pesky bully to deal with. One of the reasons Marissa came to Newport Union and was actually happy to leave Harbor was because nobody knew here, but how much anonymity do you think she really had? As it turns out, not that much. Our big bully, seeing that Marissa has already indoctrinated herself into a new clique, realizes that she is going to have to do much better than trying to trick Marissa into a fight. Why not just be direct about? When the girl confronts Marissa this time, she asks if Marissa is going to shoot her.

Since her hope throughout this whole thing was about getting a fresh start, knowing that somebody knows her secret and will spread it around school is too much and Marissa cries. I know that this is a difficult moment, but Marissa has been through some bad shit. Why does she go bawling at this point? In just the last week she found out she was kicked out of school, her family was going to move, her father got beat up and was going to leave, meaning Marissa had to stay with her mother, who was left at the altar and was getting kicked out of her house. Oh yeah, and remember when YOU SHOT SOMEONE a few months ago? Toughen up already.

Johnny comforts Marissa. She explains her problem, and Johnny said that everybody already knew anyway. See, Marissa forgot that their are no confidentiality laws in Newport Beach, and apparently the trials of minors are a matter of public record. Johnny then says that she shot somebody, but she did it to save somebody else, which is something a lot of brave people couldn't even do. At this point, Ryan comes into the picture. He is about to pick up Marissa, and sees her crying and another guy talking to her. He runs up, and even though Johnny is friendly, assumes that he bothering Marissa, and tries to pull his tough guy Ryan act, which probably doesn't work so well when you have your Banana Republic leather barn jacket and Hugo Boss flat front herringbone pants on.

Surprise, surprise, Ryan overreacts and embarrasses Marissa. He calls later that night to apologize, and suggests the movies. Marissa says that she has to study, but will eventually need a study break. Oh, BTW, Marissa's studying is reading her books while laying out by this huge pool, or what a lot of us like to call a vacation. When Seth says that he is going over to Summer's to pick her up for the dance at Harbor, Ryan says that he will do a little pop in on Marissa to see how she is doing.

The one big disadvantage with the pop in is that you always have to be ready for the consequences. While Marissa was busy studying, her new best friends decided to pop in at Summer's house themselves. There is also a dance at Newport Union and they wanted Marissa to go. She says that she doesn't feel like it, but when they say that their night would be ruined if she doesn't join, she gives in.

You know, while these kids were at school, I thought it was very nice of them to welcome Marissa. They weren't judgmental and took the time to get to know her. They gave her friendly advice like not to wear Prada and Chanel when all of the other kids shop at Ross and Target. They kept her out of fights; they helped her when people made her cry. Very nice people, this clique. But showing up at her house to drag her out to the school dance. Isn't it a tad bit creepy how friendly they are at this point? Nobody in high school is that nice, not even if you were in the glee club or the pep squad. These kids are too nice for their own good; I can kind of see why that other girl hates them so much. I guess that is all explained by Bizarro world. Down is up, up is down. When people see you they say, goodbye, and when you leave they wave and say hello. I guess in Bizarro high school cliques of kids welcome the new kids at any chance they get instead of sticking tampon strings to their shoes and smashing tater tots in the middle of calculus books, not that I know any jerks that would have done that sort of thing. Or throwing their books into the middle of a six foot snow dune, I don't know anybody who would do that either.

Ryan gets there just as Marissa is about to leave. The whole episode, he has been watching her make new friends. She doesn't need a ride from him every day; she's forgotten a breakfast date they had. Is Marissa over Ryan already? Still, Ryan shows restraint. Marissa REALLY wants to make friends, and he still thinks it is good for her. His heart is kind of broken. Maybe Marissa is doing all of this because he wasn't good enough in bed? Perhaps he didn't please her? Maybe the guys in public school don't have such shallow vaginas? Maybe now that Ryan isn't poor anymore, she doesn't really like him? Think about it. Ryan, DJ, and Alex were all poor or down and out when Marissa fell in love with them. Maybe it's happening again?!

While all of that is happening, Seth conveniently rushes off to take Summer to the dance. When they get there, he is amazed at how Summer has managed to bring the beach to their gym, not like it's that hard since they can see the ocean from their parking lot. She was Seth's own little human tsunami. It was nice and they had an old school surfing documentary on the stage behind the podium, but it didn't blow me away. It was no SnO.C., THAT'S for sure. But let's not take down Summer's moment. She is no longer social chair, but her and Dr. Bootyopolis were there to make sure everybody had fun, except that nobody knew Summer had to do anything with it. Taylor Townsend took credit for the whole thing, and what's worse, she brought up Dean Hess to gloat with her. And for whatever you say about Ms. Townsend, she has a great sense of irony, saying that this dance truly marked "The End of Summer"

Newport Union's dance might not have been as rockin, but the people still came a knockin. Chili went to spike the punch like he always does, and there was Marissa's nemesis. Everybody was staring at her with accusing eyes, and Marissa just couldn't take it. She went to cry in another room, and by this time, we all know that Johnny, Casey, and Chili are all going to come and give her a pep talk, and that is exactly what they do. See, high school kids are like wolves, they can smell your fear. Besides, remember when your mom was having sex with your ex-boyfriend? How can this be any worse? Marissa gets up and decides that she will join the fun.

Seth had seen how upset Ryan was when he saw Marissa with her new friends, so he took it upon himself to call Ryan and make sure he doesn't do anything that would jeopardize their relationship, meaning Marissa and Ryan, not Seth and Ryan. Seth pulls out his RAZR, which is the first one that I believe we have seen on the OC. I am surprised they don't get more things like that to use for the show. For instance, if a company was to give me free electronics, like say, a 42" HD television, I would probably gush about how awesome television looks on it and how everything else can't compare. It's just a suggestion.

Anyway, Seth tells Ryan that he shouldn't do anything. He doesn't want him to look back and remember that moment as the point in time he and Marissa drifted apart. Problem is, the way Seth was saying it made it sound like it was supposed to be reverse psychology. Ryan couldn't tell if Seth was being sincere or sarcastic so he heads to Newport Union in plenty of time to see Marissa enjoying herself. He realizes that he shouldn't be trying to save her all the time, and decides to leave. Just as he is about to go, he bumps into Seth, who apparently used his skateboard to get from his dance to Marissa's. He was there to stop Ryan, and was happy to hear he wouldn't have to cause a scene to prevent him from going in.

Now you could have sat there wondering why Seth had his skateboard with him. When Ryan dropped him off, he didn't seem to take it with him, and Summer drove them to the dance. Does he have a spare skateboard in her car? In his locker? None of that really makes sense though. What I was wondering is what he told Summer. "Uh, I have to go to the bathroom. I had a double-quarter pounder today with extra cheese and a milkshake. Don't wait up for me." Apparently he didn't tell her anything, because she is wandering around the dance floor looking for him. She sees Taylor Townsend heading off stage left, so she decides to follow and catches Taylor making out with somebody. But who could it be? DEAN HESS?! Oh. My. God. OK, it wasn't that shocking because we all saw it coming, but damn does Summer have some ammunition now. When she confronted Taylor about tricking her into confessing and therefore losing the social chair position, Summer insisted that the war wasn't over. Taylor came back saying that she was one big quagmire. Well, it looks like Summer will have the last laugh, because she is now locked and loaded like Donald Rumsfeld with some tactical nukes. She's going to blow this shit WIDE OPEN.

After seeing this unfold, she has to find Cohen, or Cohizzle, as she called him, which is like four years old now, but was still really funny. Ryan had just dropped him off at Harbor, and just as the last dance is playing, she wants to tell him what she just saw, but Taylor is too close by. The damage is already done, however, and it's going to be interesting to see what Summer is going to do with her new leverage.

Ryan moped his way back to the pool house, perhaps thinking that his relationship was over, but who was there to say "Hey!" to him? None other than Marissa Cooper. (Speaking of "Hey!� with two groups of high school kids, the "Hey!" count was almost a record this week.) When she was at the dance, she caught the back of his head as he left, and realized that he must still be worried. She says that she had a great time at the dance, but she was always thinking of him. Umm, try inviting him to the next one Marissa? He may get all feisty and stop Chili from spiking the punch, but maybe with his new haircut, it'll be easier to keep a cool head about things. They make up, turn on the radio, and after skipping some fat beats, we get a proper emo outro like we are used to. They dance in each other's arms. They may spend the days apart, but they will have their time together at nights, even if Marissa has to fake it.

Once again, another solid episode. I don't think any of the big twists that they revealed came too soon. We know what Charlotte is up to, and we know that she isn't finished. She spent $30,000 on rehab to lure in Kirsten, and she isn't going to let her get away. And even though Kirsten finally decided to just let the Newport Group go away, she had a chance to say goodbye with a bunch of pictures carefully strewn on the floor to convey just the right amount of sorrow.

Meanwhile, something is going to happen with Taylor and Dean Hess. Summer can't just throw around accusations, so it will be interesting to see how she goes about getting proof, and how she uses that to get what she wants. Finally, tough times are ahead for Julie. She moved into a hotel room, doesn't have a job, and can do nothing but sob herself to sleep. Is this her rock bottom? What will she do get back on top? And you KNOW she'll be back on top (I'd let her get back on top at anytime).

What did you think of the episode? How are Marissa's new friends? new school? What's up next for Julie? Charlotte? How is summer going to get back at Dean Hess and Taylor Townsend?

"Hey!" Count: Episode - 33(!!), Season - 68. [thanks for the reminder, bad news]

Posted by at 12:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (27)

By Erica From I Heart TV

The second season of Veronica Mars premiered on Wednesday night with a ratings increase over last year's pilot of 16%, and it was well worth the wait. A lot happened over Veronica's summer, and we hear about it all in about a million different flashbacks. Veronica's with Duncan now! Logan's sleeping with Charisma Carpenter! Dick's not a dick! Meg hates Veronica! Weevil kind of hates Veronica! Also, a whole bunch of people are most likely dead. It's totally awesome. Last season, on Veronica Mars, Veronica almost got burned to death while trapped in a refrigerator. Didn't she ever see that episode of Punky Brewster? Did Cherry's near-fatal game of Hide and Seek teach us nothing?

We open in a dimly lit coffee lounge/restaurant. Veronica is our hostess, outfitted in a tacky gold vest and trying to be normal. Because normal is the watchword, as we'll hear many times in this episode. We learn that Veronica has a boyfriend and that Aaron Echolls is behind bars for the murder of Lilly Kane. Everything is hunky-dory for Veronica, even with the ugly vest. Until...

Kelvin Moore, an athlete and former stoner, comes to ask for Veronica's help. He's failed his school drug test and been suspended from sports for senior year. Veronica refuses to help, because hostessing in a vaguely Asian-themed coffee shop pays more and is more fun. Um, right. Get on with it! We know she'll be back to sleuthing before the 15-minute mark. Calvin tells Veronica she's an 09er now, with a rich boyfriend, and that last year was just an experiment (like her end-of-the-year makeout session with Shelly Pomeroy the year before, but with way less sexy results.)

Veronica's boss calls her over to the television, where her dad is being interviewed by none other than Julie Chen of Big Brother. Keith has written a book called "Big Murder, Small Town" (rejected titles included "That's Right, I F*cking Told You So!"), and Julie is interviewing him with a lot of weird head-dipping and monotone-voiced questions. Ahh, so that's why you guys call her the Chenbot. Veronica's voiceover reviews the events of that night.

In flashback (and there are many, many flashbacks in this episode), Veronica wakes up, hears knocking, opens the door, and says "I was hoping it would be you." And then, she hesitates, and says to the person whose back is to her, "Logan?" It's unclear whether she hesitates because something is clearly wrong with him, or if she hesitates because she thought it was Duncan. Don't you hate when you get your ex whose dad tried to kill you confused with the ex who you thought was your brother? Logan limps around, covered in blood, and collapses in her arms. The look on her face says "Man, I almost just died, and now I have to deal with this shit?" In a very pretty shot, she nurses his wounds while he takes us back, in a flashback-within-a-flashback, to when the bikers showed up as he was dancing on the railing of the bridge. Logan, who I believe is wearing man sandals (they go very nicely with his beaded necklace), kicks Weevil sharply in the face, knocking him unconscious. The other bikers kick the shit out of Logan in return, and he wakes up with a knife is his hand and a dead Felix next to him. In case you were wondering, Felix's last seen words were "Oh son! You don't know what you just did." Frankly, I would have preferred "Oh snap!" but I'll take what I can get.

When she shows up for the first day of school, Veronica discovered that Wallace has also failed a drug test and been suspended from sports. When Veronica says "but you don't do drugs," Wallace regresses to fifth grade and replies "No duh, Sherlock!" He tells V that 5 other kids were also suspended from sports...everyone except the rich kid. Wait, do you think it has something to do with him being rich? I never would have guessed. I am kind of surprised, though, that Meg also failed the test. Veronica finally agrees to help, and we have our very first case of the season.

New credits! Wallace details the drug tests for Veronica. It involves signing a cup of your pee. Growing up, I always hated going to the doctor because the bathroom was all the way out near the door in the waiting room, and so any time they asked for a urine sample, you had to carry a cup of your urine past all the other kids in the waiting room. Why do they make it so difficult? Wallace asks V where her boyfriend is, and we flash back to Duncan, arriving at Veronica's place of business. Mommy and Daddy Kane have moved to Napa to escape the scrutiny of their trial, so Duncan is staying at a hotel. Logan shows up then, still a little bruised, and marks his territory by peeing on Veronica. Oops, I mean kissing. In present time, we learn that Logan and Duncan no longer speak, but unlike the rest of this paragraph, it has nothing to do with urine.

Veronica does some sleuthing on the drug test case, and while I love every second of this show, this mystery is kind of boring. Kelvin implicates a kid named Butters, who was pants-ed in the gym by Kelvin and mocked by the rest of the athletes, who are (except for Meg) all minorities. Wow, it's a race AND class conspiracy. Well, except for Meg. Her only difference from the other 09ers is that she's nice. Or at least she WAS nice, until Duncan dumped her. Now she's a bitch, at least to Veronica, but I kind of like her better this way. She doesn't have any ground to stand on, since Duncan was Veronica's boyfriend first, but it's always fun to see a nice person go totally over the edge. And I swear I wrote that line without thinking about what's coming next.

In yet another flashback, spurred on by Veronica's entrance through the school's new metal detectors, we learn that Logan was indicted for Felix's murder. The weapon was never found though (Logan threw it into the water, where it rests wit h his dead mother) and so Logan's lawyer got him off, and the less affluent residents of Neptune were not happy. Ok, we get it, CLASS TENSION OMG! Rich people and poor people hate each other!

Though, I guess things have escalated to a pretty dangerous degree, as we learn when Veronica and Logan passionately make out in his car while parked in front of her house. He tells Veronica he's in love with her, and at this point I turned to look at my two viewing companions and discovered they were so overcome with emotion and excitement that they were actually holding hands. They were much more thrilled than Veronica, who brushes it off as Logan trying to get into her pants without even acknowledging how hurtful that might be. Sure Veronica, you can catch killers, but you're going to break Logan's heart, and that is not allowed! Before she can either hurt him more, someone shoots through Logan's back window. CLASS TENSION OMG!

After testing Wallace's urine, Veronica figures out that the parents of the kids that will replace the suspended athletes paid a lab tech to tamper with the results. Snore.

Back at school, Naima from America's Next Top Model is the new journalism teacher, and she asks Veronica for a permission slip to go to the Sharks' field. Because baseball never really enters my mind as a possibility, I was very confused at this point, wondering why a HS journalism class was going to the zoo, and why the sharks would be in a field. Even though Veronica mentioned baseball. This episode was a lot to absorb, okay? Also, Naima's terribly wooden acting left me unable to think coherently. Stick with modeling, Naima. No speaking for you.

Flashback, again: Logan had to take summer school classes, because finding out that his dad killed his girlfriend, nearly getting killed, and possibly killing someone else really distracted him from his studies. Veronica is walking through the parking lot with him as he tells her how Trina is trying to sell their story to a TV network when Dick and Beaver show up, and god damn it they're making me like Dick a little! His name is Dick, and last season he was the biggest asshole in Neptune, and now I like him, just because he greets V as "Logan's special lady friend who I approve of wholeheartedly, with no doubts or reservations." I like to think that maybe Dick is just a little dumb, but cares so much about Logan as a friend that he's willing to make amends with Veronica.

Dick and the Beav are loading gas canisters into a truck, like way to go guys, you're trying to make Veronica like you, but do you not recall how she was set on fire a few short months ago? They claim it's to vandalize the Pan High football field, which is, by the way, still a crime, but really they're going to go torch the community pool. Ok, maybe Dick is still a jerk.

Back in the present, Beaver dives into the Casablancas pool and splashes Logan and Dick. "Don't make me get all Ordinary People on you Beav," Dick says, as though he's actually read Ordinary People. I guess maybe he's seen the movie. Beav reminds him that it's the older brother who dies there. Then we get our first glimpse of Charisma Carptenter in a bikini. She's a little too flirtatious with her little stepchildren, but she seems to treat them well enough. Dick asks Logan what his plans are, and Logan says "As much as I enjoy the company of men, I have other plans tonight," while making a weird hand gesture that Dick mimics while they hand-gesture high-five.



Am I missing something? Was it a V for vagina? I watched this scene a few times and that's all I can come up with, but I've never made a genital-oriented high-five so I'm not sure if that's really what it is.

At work, Veronica is told that her boyfriend has arrived, and she walks up and kisses...Duncan! I have to admit that I was spoiled on this little bit of info, but was this surprising to anyone? It seemed like they were dropping some pretty obvious clues throughout the episode, but I'm curious.

Veronica and Duncan meet up by the bus to go on the school trip, where they're accosted by a sullen Logan. He tells Veronica he'll miss her, but she blows him off. In flashback, we learn that Veronica dumped Logan because he had "become a different person" (a nice choice V, I don't think "it's not you, it's me" would have worked there), one who sets fire to community pools. I'm not excusing Logan's behavior, but all the flashbacks in this episode take place over at most 3 months, and in the time leading up to those 3 months, Logan's mom committed suicide, he discovered his dad killed his girlfriend, he was almost beaten to  death, and he was arrested for murder. Pool vandalism is never okay, but maybe you could cut him a break, Veronica? Oh, but then I guess you couldn't go back to the guy you thought was your brother, who had sex with you while you were both on GHB and then left you there to think you were raped. Never mind.

Logan doesn't take it well, especially when Veronica accuses him of enjoying all of this. He takes it out on a lamp, which gets him shoved up against a wall by Keith, who tells him never to return.

Back in present day, on the bus, Veronica and Duncan hold hands while Dick sits behind them and complains about a death smell at the back of the bus. He makes eyes at a cute girl sitting across from him who is in no way his type, especially if you consider that his last girlfriend was Madison Sinclair, a.k.a. Bitch Barbie, and this girl is more the Amelie type.

Logan arrives at the Casablancas house and is greeted by Charisma, who promptly disrobes once Logan asks if Dick and Beaver can come out and play. Get it? Get it? I think I'm going to have to start calling them Richard and Cassidy in my head, because this is getting gross.

At the Sharks' field, Steve Guttenberg, candidate for mayor, yammers on about baseball. Turns out he planned this field trip so that his daughter, Gia (the Amelie type Dick's drooling over), could make some friends. Oh, that's a bad sign, when your dad has to help you make friends. Something about Gia seems really off to me. She's just funny-looking, and her dye job is way too dark. She also talks too much, and too fast, like a bootleg Rory Gilmore. Although her dad says she's a "cool kid," so it must be true.

Dick tells Duncan and Veronica  that he doesn't want to take that "stank-ass" bus back to Neptune, so his dad is sending the limo. Wait a minute, Dick is a journalism student? Dick knows how to read? Meg refuses to ride in the limo with Duncan and Veronica, so Veronica decides to take the bus back to try to talk to Meg and make amends. Because that's worked so well so far.

After that fails, we get a musical montage flashback of Duncan stalking Veronica at her place of work every day. He even clears tables for her, and on her birthday he leaves her a box containing a fortune cookie.  Veronica, impressed at his servitude and impressed by what she reads on her fortune (which we don't get to read, grrr), falls back in love with him. I think they did this in montage form because they knew that Duncan and Veronica's banter is stilted and boring.

The bus pulls into a gas station for a break, and Veronica sees Lilly's ghost dart off to the side of the building. Poor use of Lilly's ghost! When she follows, she finds Weevil, who seems to have gotten burlier since last year. Meg lets the bus drive off without Veronica while V and Weevil argue about Felix's stabbing, Veronica's return to the 09ers, and the time the bikers shot at Logan's car, which Weevil seems not to have known about. He pretends to drive off on his motorcycle, but then comes back and offers her a ride. Aw, Weevil. Weevil, of course, does not wear a helmet, because helmets aren't cool and head injuries totally are.



They see smoke in the distance, and Weevil pulls over. The limo is there, and at first I thought they had just decided to pull over and have a little impromptu party. But we hear screaming, and Gia is starting to cry, saying "it just went straight off the cliff," saying "they're all dead" over and over. Duncan spots Veronica at that point and is so grateful to see her that I almost believe in their relationship for a minute. We pan out over the cliff, where pieces of the bus lie scattered below. Guess Veronica doesn't have to worry about making it up to Meg anymore, huh? But it's Neptune, and nothing happens accidentally, and I believe we have our new season-long mystery. Funny how all the main characters were coincidentally not on the bus.

What did you think? Are you on the Veronica Mars bandwagon yet?

Posted by at 11:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (21)

I should have probably done this yesterday, but last night marked the season premiere for the fifth season of Smallville. Yes, I will be recapping the episodes, but since the WB has decided that they must air this program on Thursdays at 8PM, they will usually come on the weekend. To get everybody excited about the fifth season, there is nothing better you can do than give away some DVDs from the fourth season, right? Well, that logic doesn't exactly stand up to rigorous investigation, but we can give away some DVDs anyway. That's right, on the heels of our TVgasm OC Giveaway Spectacular! we are giving away three boxed sets of Smallville: The Complete Fourth Season which went on sale this month. You can also sign up to be notified of other new releases.

The logistics will go similar to the OC giveaway. There is nothing you need to do to enter other than e-mail contests@tvgasm.com with the subject Smallville DVD giveaway. Include in the body of the message your favorite Smallville moment from season four. I am asking you to name favorites just to get people thinking about it a little bit and hopefully weed out some of the non-Smallville watchers from the people looking to get some free stuff. Just for kicks, we'll end the contest on Halloween (October 31st). One entry per e-mail address, and I'm sorry, but you must live in the US or Canada to be able to claim your prize.

So, not so terribly hard right? The OC recap will be up later today, and for fans of Battlestar Galactica I'll recap the season finale this weekend as well. Thanks again for reading TVgasm, and good luck!

Posted by at 6:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

The first thought that went through my mind as I sat down to watch tonight's episode of Lost was "How can they top the premiere?" Well actually the first thought was "Will I get to see Evangeline Lilly in her underwear again this season?", but that's because me and her have unresolved issues (is it that hard to answer my letters, Evangeline?). Because I honestly felt last week's season premiere was one of the most exciting and suspenseful hours of TV since The Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey Christmas Special . OK, I kid, but seriously, it was one bad-ass episode. I thought the hatch payoff would be some murky unresolved nothing, like machinery that led nowhere. Man was I wrong. Instead we get an irate Scottish dude in an underground bunker with a Commodore 64 and a penchant for Mama Cass, which strangely enough was #3 on my list of "what's in the hatch?" predictions, right behind "albino midget covered in hot sauce playing Intellivision." Not only that, we got to see probably one of the most iconic images of our generation: Jack's flashback hair. Oh man that was good stuff.

The show left off last week with yet another cliffhanger as Jack and Locke were deep inside the hatch with our angry Scot holding them at gunpoint and Jack realizing that he has met this man before, many years ago, when his mullet ruled the earth and the Crash Test Dummies' future was looking bright.

Before we start, a brief warning. This show has many fanatical fans, of which I count myself among them. The center of the show is the big mystery of what’s on the island, and countless theories and websites have been developed analyzing the many small clues that have been dropped along the way. How small, you say? Take for instance last week's episode when Shannon ran into an apparition of Walt in the woods and he seemed to mumble something unintelligible. Well, if you take the audio and play it backwards, he does say something. I won't spoil it for you but if you need to know you can listen to it here. Yep, us Lost fans can get that obsessive. Let me put it this way. Have you ever met one of those nerds that know the lineage of every Elf that ever appeared in The Lord of the Rings? We're like those guys, only much, much cooler.

Anyway, this week’s episode starts off using what I like to call the “Tarantino effect.� This is when we go back in time and follow the storyline from another point of view. Last week's show ended with us seeing Jack descend into the hatch and confront the Scotsman holding Locke at gunpoint. But how did Locke get there? And what happened to Kate? That’s where this episode starts. Yes, it seems a little confusing but trust me, it works. This show rocks. We also get to see what happened to Walt, Sawyer, Michael and Jin on the raft. At the end of last season the four of them (and a blood-soaked volleyball they christened “Wilson�) built a raft to escape the island to hopefully enter a shipping lane and get picked up. They ended up encountering some entirely unfriendly people that have become known in Lostology as “The Others.� In the middle of the night an old fishing boat with a grizzled old man (and a pair of identical twins) simply looked at them and said “We’re gonna have to take the kid.� They took him, shot Michael and blew up the ship leaving them stranded in the ocean by the flames of their wrecked raft. So of you were the type of person to measure how good a day you had on a scale of one to ten, this would probably rank around a two.

We first see Sawyer, the “bad boy� with the feathered 80’s hair and Southern drawl, rise up from the water amid the flaming wreckage. The only other person he hears is Michael screaming for his now lost (get it?!) son. Spotting a part of the raft he climbs aboard. Michael, being a big pansy, realizes the act of screaming someone’s name is too much for him to bear and then sinks beneath the waves. And its up to Sawyer grab him, pull him onto the raft and give him so mouth to mouth. Did I mention that Sawyer is also the guy with the gaping bullet wound? Talk about an odd couple. If there was a wall and some linguini around, Sawyer would have to go all Matthau on his ass. Once Michael is awake he goes back to screaming for his son, which provides a perfect segway into this week’s flashback. And this episode's flashback featured player is Michael himself. To keep you from getting confused, and frankly, get it out of the way since it’s a rather dull storyline, I’ll just recap the entire flashback story all at once even though it’s spread out throughout the episode.

We see Michael in some cheap lawyer’s office (played by that guy that you’ve seen a million times but don’t know his name. You know, that guy that was in that movie with that other guy. Yeah, him.) trying to keep his ex-girlfriend from having her current boyfriend adopt Walt when they both leave for Rome. It seems Walt's mom got a big promotion to be a senior partner, whereas Michael is unemployed and on disability from a car accident. Michael, even though he hasn’t been a father to the kid at all up until that point, doesn’t want them to go. He orders his lawyer to file an injunction to keep them from leaving. And despite warnings from his lawyer that it will be costly and time consuming, Michael is insistent. At the deposition, his ex-girlfriend's lawyers lay into him, ripping on him for being an unemployed absent father. Later, in a one on one meeting with Susan, Walt’s mother, she begs him to let Walt go. Michael is on disability and about to be evicted form his apartment, and Susan says he needs to think about what’s best for Walt. He begrudgingly agrees and we have a tender scene as Michael says goodbye to Walt, gives him a stuffed polar bear (this is another clue regarding earlier episodes) and tells him that he is his father and will always love him. The whole point of this flashback is to show Michaels guilt at letting his son go without a fight, and how he promised he’d never do it again, and failed. That and make it so we can go through about an hour of time on the island and pad it out into 3 whole episodes.

From here we jump to Locke as he descends into the hatch. Once he reaches the bottom and walks into the main area, full of machinery and ominous looking hallways, he pauses for a minute to take off his shoes. This means he has either mistaken it for a Japanese dojo, or he doesn’t want anyone to hear him. He looks around briefly, spots an odd-looking insignia on the wall (which was also on the Scotsman's uniform from last episode), and then stumbles upon an unconscious Kate. Before he can untie her the Scotsman pops out of nowhere holding an AK-47 and asking Locke “Are you him?�

Meanwhile on the raft, Michael and Walt are having a whine and cheese party, with Michael doing most of the whining. Sawyer is yelling out Jin's name (the Korean who was on the boat with them) while Michael is busy blaming Sawyer for getting Walt taken. Sawyer simply tells him in his oh so smolderingly sexy way to go cram it with walnuts. Especially since he got shot trying to save the kid, a fact lost on Michael. Their argument heats up to the point where Sawyer actually swims with his one good arm over to another raft just so they can avoid each other. And if that isn’t enough to establish Sawyers tough guy bona fides (remember this is the guy who had bamboo shafts shoved up his fingernails last season) he shoves 2 fingers into his shoulder and pulls out the bullet lodged within. And then he gives himself a colonoscopy. OK, he didn’t do that last part, but he could have if he wanted to. He is that much of a badass, people.

Back in the hatch, Locke decides to bluff his way out of the pickle he’s in by saying he is in fact “him.� This lasts about all of 5 seconds when the Scotsman asks him “What did one snowman say to the other snowman?� and Locke doesn’t know the answer. This is obviously a code, or the Scotsman has a really awkward way of breaking the ice. They try to explain that they are there because of a plane crash 44 days ago, but he's having none of it. He has Locke tie up Kate (while quietly slipping her a knife) and then locks her in a storage room.

At the raft, Sawyer points out the obvious. The ship that took Walt was not built for the deep sea. That kind of ship is only designed for a three hour tour. A three hour tour. Which means it must be docked somewhere close. Like the island. Oooooh. See what I mean about a big unraveling mystery? But they have bigger things to worry about. Sharks start circling and slamming into their raft. And not the wacky fun ones like Jabberjaw. The bad kind.

In the hatch we see Kate struggling to untie herself. And she struggles mightily. Grunting and groaning. Sweat glistening. Heart pounding. Damn you Evangeline Lilly, you vex me so! Once she manages to get free, and seeing that the door is locked, she turns on the lights and sees that the room is stocked with food. And whattya know! It's also got one of those convenient Die Hard-like air shafts designed perfectly to fit a human body! Who would have thought? As she starts to move some boxes around to climb up into the ventilation shaft, she pauses and notices a box of candy bars calling out to her. She grabs a handful and shoves them in her pockets and pauses long enough to open one up and shove it in her mouth. Her reaction can best be described as though she were having a party in her pants, and everyone was invited.

Finally we get to see Kate's O face

Locke meanwhile is trying to explain to the Scotsman, who reveals his name to be Desmond, how they all got on the island. This leads to more confusing questions from him like “So the world's still out there?� and “How many of your group has gotten sick?� These hints are the type of things that keep geeks up at night all around the country. Before the conversation can continue we hear a beeping sound. Desmond panics and runs into the next room populated by our trusty Commodore 64 and a huge countdown clock on the wall, set at 2 minutes and counting. He closes out the running Centipede program and tells Locke to enter the following numbers. And we all know what those are.

4 8 15 16 23 42

Once Locke hits the execute button, the beeping stops and the clock reverts back to 108 hours and the countdown begins anew. What does this mean? What would have happened if the clock went to zero? Knowing this show, we will find out the answers to these questions in about a year and a half. Get used to it. No sooner does he hit the button then do we hear Jack in the background. He’s descended into the hatch and is yelling for Locke and Kate. You see, Locke is smart and took off his shoes to try and be as quiet as possible. Jack runs inside yelling at the top of his lungs. Jack isn’t really that smart. I chalk it up to all the years exposed to Jennifer Love Hewitt. No man can withstand that many stupid rays without some of them rubbing off. Desmond looks through his Rube Goldberg spyglass and sees Jack, gun in hand, entering the hatch. At this point both storylines converge and we are back to where we were at the end of the last episode, with Desmond holding Locke at gunpoint and Jack finally recognizing him from years before, when his hair was glorious and long.

On the raft Sawyer and Michael have stopped their pity party long enough to see one of the pontoons from the raft floating nearby. Sawyer, being the devil may care Marlborough man he is, decides to swim for it. I would now like to point out that his shoulder wound has fluctuated all throughout this episode from being so painful he can’t move without grimacing, to being barely even noticeable. Kind of like last season's 24 when Bauer stabbed himself in the stomach, and then 3 hours later was fine. And Sawyer may think he's a tough guy, but let me just tell you people something. I served with Jack Bauer. I knew Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer was a friend of mine. Senator, you're no Jack Bauer.

Sawyer hands Michael the gun they managed to salvage from the explosion (actually I think Sawyer just never let go of it, him being the aforementioned badass) and tells him to shoot the shark if he starts to get near. As he swims over, we see a shot from underneath the water showing the shark swimming closer to the wounded Sawyer. For those of you out there that do not have the luxury of being able to see this in widescreen digital presentation like I have (the entire New York office of TVgasm is wall-to-wall High Definition monitors and Dolby 6.1 EX surround sound), you may have missed what comes next, but it's worth pointing out. As the shark swims by the screen, you can see, just for an instant, a logo tattooed on the bottom of the shark. It is the very same logo that is inside the walls of the hatch, and on Desmond's uniform. Now either this is some kind of hint about genetically engineered animals on the island, or its just a shark that's really into henna.

The next morning Sawyer is waking up to the gentle sobbing sounds of Michael as they are both on the pontoon. He declares that losing Walt is all his fault, and is dejected. "I never should have brought him on the boat." he says. Well, yeah. Thats kind of a no brainer since he's like, you know, 12. Now that this scene has run about a minute long, Sawyer now decides to look to his right and notices the giant island right in front of them. An island they had not noticed the entire time. That’s right, the guys who volunteered to sail of into the sea on a life raft with their only hope of survival being able to spot a ship in the distance, fail to notice a gigantic island 2 inches to their left. It’s moments like that that drive me crazy.

As they finally stumble ashore they collapse oto the beach exhausted. An entire night spent wallowing in self-pity has taken a mighty toll on Mike. And as for Sawyer, smoldering glares are all fine and good, but you try and keep one going for more than 6 hours straight, you cramp up. Before they can catch their breath however, they hear screams coming from off in the woods. Jin, the missing Korean gangster (yeah, it's a long story) runs from the woods with his hands tied behind his back screaming something in Korean. I’d translate it for you but unfortunately the only languages I speak fluently are French, German, Farsi, Dutch, and Swahili (and a smattering of Izi-Ezaa-Ikwo-Mgbo, a local dialect of Nigeria. But just a smattering). Luckily he does manage to get out a few words in English, as he looks over their shoulders in horror.

“The Others�

And we turn and see what he sees…..

Posted by EdHIll at 4:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (105)

In case you're a little worried that you missed a super awesome, totally exciting, skull-crushing, mom-dying episode of The Real World this week, fear not. You didn't. Ranking as one of the duller installments of this quickly fading season, Tuesday's show featured more wishy-washy flirtations with Johanna and Leo, a couple whose first move from B-story to A-story was about as successful as the X-Files leap to the big screen. There's a reason why certain happenings in the Real World house are mitigated to the sidelines (cotton candy ice cream, anyone?), but apparently it was time for Johanna and Leo, also known as Joleo (or Lehanna) to spread their wings and carry the bulk of the story. It wasn't a total wash though. There was a decent character arc for Joey, and hey, it beats watching Danny and Melinda grapple with their tired issues (don't worry, they come back next week). Plus, Wes threw a chair in the pool. Actually, this episode was turning out to be pretty sweet...

The big show kicked off at the Real World house -- also known to the public as The Dizzy Rooster. Yes, these kids spend so much time at this stupid bar, I've become convinced that they might just have bunk beds in the back. I'm fairly surprised Bunim/Murray didn't outfit the place with hidden cameras and funky pool noodles. Nevertheless, Johanna told us that she likes Leo now because she realizes that she'd put up a big emotional barrier. But that wall came down last week when L-Dawg picked Jo Jo up from the slammah. Aww. We all know how that goes. Boy meets girl. Boy loves girl. Girl robs a homeless person. Boy gets girl out of jail. It's a classic romance. I'm pretty sure Rob Reiner's already optioned the rights.

Unfortunately for Johanna, there was a small problem. A small, blonde problem to be specific. Turns out Leo had another girl in his life, and her name was Courtney. What's up with these guys at the Dizzy Rooster? First Rachel falls for a bouncer who's got a secret girl on the side, and now Leo suddenly has a sweet piece of ass waiting for him too. Next thing you know, Lacey's gonna try to hook up with the Dizzy Rooster's short order cook, only to find he has a harem of mistresses in his van. Of course, when Rob Reiner makes this movie, Courtney's only going to be Leo's sister, and it will all be just one big misunderstanding, and Bruno Kirby will walk in and say, "Wait, you didn't know?" and then Meg Ryan will try to make things better, but by then Billy Crystal will be mad, and then Carrie Fisher will be like "But you love her, Leo!" and then they'll meet in Central Park, and some old 1940s Louie Armstrong song will play and they'll have some cute banter like "You know, you really piss me off, Jo," and Meg Ryan will smile and say, "That's because you're a real dizzy rooster, Leo," and then they'll kiss. The End. Opening weekend box office: $1.3 million.

Anyhoo, as Johanna left the bar, she did seem to have a surprisingly reasonable reaction to everything: "I brought this upon myself. I know it." Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not talk crazy here. You do remember that you're a reality star, right? You're not supposed to have "mature" perspectives. Nothing is your fault when you're on The Real World. Don't you realize that? If I see you taking responsibility for something again, I'm going to start a letter writing campaign to keep you off any new Inferno challenges.

And yet, despite my admonitions, Johanna kept up with this "responsibility" kick. Regarding how she pushed Leo away into the arms of Courtney, Johanna said, "I'm ready to deal with it." For the record, Johanna's version of "dealing with it" tends to involve an entire box of Franzia, five shots of Jagermeister, a tallboy of PBR, some vanilla extract, and a quick mouthful of Listerine.

Things might have been bad for Johanna, but they were worse for Wes. You see, he just couldn't sit by and watch Joey play games with Leo. That man did not deserve to have his heart toyed about, explained Wes. So let's see. In Wes World, it's not cool for Johanna to be indecisive with Leo, but it's more than acceptable for Danny to toy with Melinda's heart by going out and getting other girls' numbers. Seems kind of odd. After all, Johanna's actions stem from deep insecurities and a fear of emotional vulnerability whereas Danny's actions stem from wanting to stroke his ego and an undying need for attention. Clearly Johanna is in the wrong.

Anyway, the next night, it was back to The Dizzy Rooster (sigh) for more drama. "When I drink, and we're at the bar, I try to keep my distance from Leo," Jo-Jo explained; although, her plan went somewhat awry considering we saw her chatting it up with Leo in the VERY NEXT SHOT. There's the self-delusion we know and love! Welcome back, Johanna.

Well, Joey wanted to keep her distance from Leo so badly that she grabbed him by the hand and literally dragged him onto the dance floor. Seriously, the dude even fell down, and she still dragged him on. Did we mention that Leo's sort of a pussy? Later, the two maybe-lovebirds had some excellent banter:

Johanna: Courtney might be coming. I don't want to ruin your game.

Leo: I don't have a game.

Johanna: Oh come on. We all have games.

Leo: Oh, we all do? Well, uh, I guess we do.

Nice badinage Leo! You really stuck it to her in the end there. Nevertheless, the two nuzzled noses and were about to kiss when (insert record screeching to a halt) Wes totally cockblocked to say they had curfew in five minutes. Poor form, douchebag. I mean, this was the utter definition of cockblock.

Conversation Tivo: what is this curfew Wes spoke of? Did the powers that be at BMP force the kiddos back to the house at a certain time? A fog of curiosity has descended upon TVgasm.

Anyway, back to Leo and Johanna. "Leo really, really, really likes Johanna," Rachel told us, adding, "Almost as much as I like ice cream in the mail and making numerous iMovies." Sure enough, back at the house, Leo and Johanna found a big comfy chair to curl up and make out in. And because no scandal goes unnoticed by the house's resident Liz Smith, Lacey watched remotely from the phone room where she could spy through the house TV monitor. "I always flip the channels on our TV to watch the rooms while various people are there," she explained. This girl is the most intrepid Real World gossip collector of all time.

Meanwhile, as Jo and Leo hooked up and Lacey watched voyeuristically on TV, poor Wes was left all alone with neither a friend nor a fat groupie in sight. Alas, he was the only living boy in Austin that night. Whither Wren? Whither Megan? Whither your right hand?

And just in case the plight of Wes didn't call for enough indie/emo music, we then cut to commercial where we saw Death Cab for Cutie on "the drop." Thanks Seth Cohen! Adam Brody LOVED Tuesday's 10 Spot!

Coming back from the break, Johanna was embarrassed because clearly someone had been watching her on the TV the night before. Oh, and guess who else was watching? All of America! Nevertheless, this didn't stop our Spicy Latina from going all Peruvian on Leo's ass as she made out with him more at the Dizzy Rooster again that night. She claimed she liked his wild side; although, from what we could see, Leo's wild side seemed to be nothing more than giving a marginally less fey smile than usual and shrugging. As for Wes, he was still jealous and alone. Kind of odd. You'd think someone with such self-professed good looks would be pulling in the girls left and right.

Nevertheless, Wes wasn't going to take this sitting down. We then saw footage of him at home throwing plastic water bottles, then papers, then pencils, and then other Katamari Damacy-ish objects. He had so many lightweight trinkets to toss, the producers actually sped up his spree with a fast-motion effect. Man, I know how he felt. There are some times when I get so mad, all I want to do is throw a penny or a stamp booklet. Oh, but then he moved onto the big stuff. Wes actually picked up a plastic chair and threw it into the pool! Uh oh spaghetti-o! Luckily, pool cam caught all the action from under the water. For the record, I didn't even know there was a pool cam. It's sort of sad that it's big premiere moment happened with this inauspicious event (as opposed to a more welcomed pool humping). Also for the record, the description for this week's episode on Tivo included the sentence, "Wes trashes the house." And I have to say, I've seen a lot of house trashing, but this, with its scattered bottle caps and chair in the pool, was beyond anything I'd ever seen before in my life. Rockstars in hotel rooms have got nothing on Wes.

When everyone came home from a fun night out in Austin, mild shock resonated through the house. After all, their domicile was now mildly more messy than it had been before. Oh, and here's something I bet you didn't know. When Wes was on his "rampage," he pulled Melinda's sheets off her bed. Now THAT is out of control! Her retaliation? She pulled HIS sheets off and threw them in the pool with the plastic chair. Well, surely no good deed goes unpunished. Wes then chased Melinda around with a pool noodle, surely upsetting Lacey, who we all remember is the High Priestess of the Pool Noodle Kingdom:

Later, Leo came to the house and brought a box of treats with him. What could it be? Donuts perhaps? Nope. Just a bunch of bratwursts. You see, according to Lacey, every time Johanna gets drunk, she "stops at the bratwurst stand and sits at the curb and shove it down her throat." Fellatio/curbside 'ho jokes unnecessary.

Well, Leo and Jo Jo cuddled on the couch with a cup of water and a brat. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: Leo's really gotta tame that wild side. To be fair, things did get a bit randy between the two. She spilled water on him. He then spit water back at her. She spilled more water on him, and Wes came running out of nowhere with a pool noodle. Okay, that last thing didn't happen, but after this "wild" exchange, the two slipped into bed together, and even though she said she didn't want to be their audience, Lacey stayed in the room as the Joleo consummated their relationship. If you're like me, you half-expected the credits to flash on screen, but then suddenly the realization hit that there were still a good ten minutes left to watch. Great.

So the next day, things became all weird with Johanna and Leo. You see, she wanted to get a pedicure, and he wanted to... sit in her bed. Despite Johanna continually saying, "Okay, I have to go," Leo made no effort to do a patented, "Yeah, I should probably go too," and so finally she simply gave him an awkward goodbye (no hug) and went off with Melinda. Things went from bad to worse as later that day, Johanna claimed to have called Leo many times, but alas, he never called back. Cue the angry Enon guitars! Something's rotten in the state of Texas!

WELL. Johanna marched right down to the Dizzy Rooster, and remember that "maturity" thing I was talking about earlier? Yeah, well, that was gone. Instead of asking Leo what the deal was, she decided to dance on the bar top to attract his attention but then intentionally ignore him. Yeah, I'm sure he really appreciated that. With the passive-aggression reaching new heights, Leo finally confronted his emotionally wounded lass. "Are you doing ok? Because you're sassy!" Leo then did three air snaps, made a sizzle noise, and yelled, "And I'm FAB!"

Actually, he didn't say that, but when Johanna accused him of not returning her calls, he simply replied that he'd be working at South By Southwest all week and would be very, very busy. Ouch. Looks like Courtney won this battle. By the way, South By Southwest is coming up? Whatever happened to that documentary? Shouldn't the kids be prepping? Or has Nehemiah been hogging the camera to make another star-wipe montage?

Nevertheless, as the episode wrapped up, Johanna left the bar with tears in her eyes, forever swearing off boys and their evil ways. Even though much of this drama was the result of her stupid games and whatnot, I did feel sort of bad for her. But I knew she'd be A-OK because from now on, she was going to follow her intuition. "I just need to go back to being good old me," she said. In that case, we'll have the paramedics ready to pump your stomach in about five minutes.

And let's not forget about Wes. The opportunistic flannel fan jumped at the chance to console Johanna, and as the credits came up, we knew these two would be besties forever. At least until they start hooking up again and the requisite drama pulls them apart.

What did you think about the episode?

Posted by at 3:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (50)

• The good: Prison Break is picked up for a full season. That's right, twenty-two full episodes of butt-rape innuendo. [Mediaweek]


• The bad: Constantine has a new sitcom in development. I believe it'll be called, AWFUL. [People Magazine]


• The ugly: Star Jones was forced out of her red carpet duties for E!. Technically, this is good news, but anything having to do with Star has got to be ugly. [Page Six]


• Also on the ugly side: I hate giving this guy any more attention in his miserable life, but this is pretty cool. Danny Bonaduce is suing his former radio sidekick Jamie White. I don't know if any of you were so unlucky to hear "Jamie and Danny In The Morning," but seeing this implosion is nothing short of wonderful. [E! Online via Yahoo]


• Owen Wilson is developing a comedy for HBO. Luckily, there's no Constantine Maroulis involvement. [Variety]


• SNL starts its 31st season this weekend. Can't wait for Horatio Sanz to butcher more skits. In the meantime, check out this profile on Fred Armisen. [New York Times]

Posted by at 3:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Sorry about the extraordinarily lame title for this latest episode of America's Next Top Model. I have been starting a lot of recaps with apologies lately, so I figured that one more time ain't going to hurt. I probably could have spent a few more minutes thinking of a better title, but "Extreme Makeover: Model Edition" hopefully puts one more nail into the coffin that is the "Extreme Makeover: [Insert Word Here] Edition" joke that is used way to often, and perhaps it will be enough to kill off the show as well)Extreme Makeover, not ANTM!), or at least help all of those lawsuits along. But back on topic, this week marks the time for the model makeovers, always one of the greatest episodes for ANTM. We may argue about a lot of the things that the judges think, but when it comes to makeovers, they know their stuff. The girls are given a look by the judges to varying degrees of success. Sometimes it works, sometimes it does not, but the most important thing is to work it out. You know, do your thing, on the runway, like a Supermodel! Somebody should write a song about it.

The first week brings about a lot of the quotes that we are used to seeing. Sarah is there, saying that being almost eliminated was shocking, but if she was shocked by her almost-elimination, she must not be looking in the mirror that often. A lot of others are saying they can't believe Ashley isn't there, like every single one of them wasn't actually elated that she was kicked out early. Finally, Ebony chimed in saying that you can't underestimate anybody, because, you know, it's a competition. She says that if you let your guard down, they'll flock to you like a pack of hyenas to a carcass. I will give her bonus points for actually being the first model to use "carcass" in a diary interview, but her analogy is too sophisticated for this town. Hyena’s sounds like a martini bar in Fresno. She should have said that they would flock to you like Tara Reid on an open bar, or Lara Flynn Boyle to a pound of collagen. Now that's something people can relate to in this town.

When the girls got their Tyra mail, everybody was really excited, even though some people didn't think that they needed the makeover. OK, so everybody pretty much thought that they needed it, except for Cassandra, who said that she likes the way she looks and doesn't think that she needs to change because of her natural beauty. This means, of course, that she will probably have the most dramatic change in the whole group. The girls head to Louis Licari, which is on Camden in Beverly Hills. I only mention this because there is a great little restaurant called The Grill just around the corner on Dayton. Best meatloaf in town, which doesn't say that much in Beverly Hills, but they also have a great Arnold Palmer, and you can't get any better than that combination.

Once inside, a lot of the girls start fretting about what might happen, but Jay Manuel is there to remind them that sometimes it takes a huge transformation for a model to go from ordinary to extraordinary, so to speak. He and Tyra then start breaking down exactly what they are going to do to each girl. Along with the appearance makeovers, Jay was going to speak with each girl and give them a style that they should emulate, which seems fair. Tyra and Jay are coordinating their makeovers for a certain look, so why not let them know what they were thinking when they created the look? It might even help some of them cope with their new styles a little bit better.

I do think that this was an attractive group, but there were quite a few people who really needed makeovers, including Coryn. Last time, I said that she reminded me of Sam the Eagle from Muppets fame, but this time with her hair pulled back she reminded me of David Blaine. I say this also because Coryn has been a master illusionist, because if you take off her pants, she can make her balls disappear. Shouldn't there be a "tuck rule" in modeling as well as football? Coryn was going to get one of the most dramatic makeovers as they were going to dye her hair blonde and bring out a John Deere lawn tractor to trim her eyebrows down a little bit.

Most of the other girls got makeovers that weren't exactly crazy. Kim was going to get red hair, Kyle would get brown hair, Nik was going to go lighter with even more curls, Bre was going to go straight; you get the idea. A couple of girls got extensions and a couple of people were to get their hair chopped. Sarah was one of those, but they were still going to stick shoulder length. The other person to get a major cut was going to be Cassandra, the beauty queen. Almost immediately when the words came out of Tyra's mouth, Cassandra began to cry, and all of the rest of the girls were shocked. They said tried to tell her that she was too safe, so they wanted to give her a little Rosemary's Baby haircut[image]. Nobody seemed to know just exactly what they were talking about except for Kim, who pumped her fist and said, "Yes!" under her breath, probably because she knows that Cassandra is going to freak out.

There was a lot less complaining this year compared to last, but there is still plenty of pepole freaked about their new looks. Kim's new red hairdo is a lot more feminine than her old style, and she said that it just wasn't her. When she said that no boy had hair that color, and somebody reminded her that she was not a boy, Kim said, "Yeah, but it's my thing." Hmm, Wesleyan, lesbian, short hair, it's her thing all right; she just shares it with a lot of people. Whatever she thought the outcome was, it gave her face a softer look and Jay told her that she wouldn't have to change the femme boy look she came in with.

Overall, I would say that the changes were dramatic and for the better. You literally couldn't tell the difference between some girls and their previous selves. Sarah's new, shorter cut was perfect and she looked hot with her Ralph Lauren chic style. Coryn's new look was sophisticated, and I guess I would agree that her makeover accomplished that, but it's not like she regressed. Nik had a bohemian chic style that we will probably just call the "Stacie J" from now on. Ebony was given full-length braids that took thirteen hours to accomplish. I am not sure what the judges were going for, but it just screamed "Brandy" when you looked at it. Bre was confident when she saw that they really weren't changing much, meaning that she must have already looked good, but just in case she was thinking of getting a little cocky, Jay made sure to let everybody know that she was still ghetto fabulous by telling the stylist to pay extra attention to the nose hairs.

But of all the changes, the most impressive change was still Cassandra. She looked like she was still not quite ready for the whole thing, and Jay reminded her of what she said in her casting video, specifically "I'm really easy to work with, I'll do what you tell me." The other girls were shocked to hear about her new look, but they were even more shocked to see that Cassandra apparently did have some emotion. Sarah also tries to comfort her a little bit. I think after she had a little taste of Kim, she takes any chance she can get to caress another woman. I'm starting to think she is really starting to think about making her girl-on-girl experiment a full-time thing. Anyway, the judges told her that she had a great look and they did it for more reasons than just to chop off her hair; they thought that her face had a look that not a lot of people have, and the reason for the cut was to bring it out more.

I liked a lot of the makeovers, and although I am sure it helps that all of their before pictures were using polaroids with like no makeup, there were some dramatic changes. Here are the ones I consider most striking. I literally gasped after seeing Lisa and Kyle. (Click on pictures for larger versions).

They were at the salon all day, so when they got home, they learned of their next challenge from Tyra Mail and began to do their own thing. Cassandra still was complaining about her short hair. Some people might have thought she wasn't such a psychopath, with her newfound emotions, but she reminded us just how crazy she was by saying she wanted to sleep with her old ponytail, so she could wake up and be reminded of how her hair used to be. But why stop with just the hair, Cassandra, why not just go for the entire head? Jayla has hair just as long as yours used to be. Hell, why not just sleep with an entire body? I heard they just made a Tom Sizemore blowup doll, complete with special bonus threesome blow up "unknown commercial actress" doll.

For the first mission, the models make their way to the Luxe Hotel in Beverly Hills, where they come face to face with some crazy clown. At least it wasn't a scary clown, unless you consider a large, bald, gay man prancing around Beverly Hills in a Tang-colored outfit frightening, that is. The man was James St. James, one of the original club kids, just in case you couldn't tell that he was over 50 and unattractive, or if you had trouble imagining he did ecstasy and used to be half his current size. James told them that they would have $500 to try and emulate the style that Jay had given them. The girl he chose to be the winner would get to keep her outfit, and she would be the only one.

Now, they let everybody loose into the middle of Beverly Hills, so there was a LOT of things that they could have gone for. There are plenty of high-end places like Prada where they wouldn't get a pair of socks for their money, but there were also a lot of places that you would think was made for what they were looking for. Nik is looking for Bohemian Chic, why not head to Anthropologie? Sarah was told Ralph Lauren, why not walk a few blocks in that direction? Banana Republic, Miss Sixty, Club Monaco, bebe, they were all there ripe for the picking.

The reason a lot of them didn't go to different stores was that they were shopping in groups so everybody could help each other out. Cassandra, who was told to be mod, had absolutely no clue what she was doing, as was the case for Jayla, at least if you were listening to what Kim told her. When Jayla picked up a pair of stonewashed jeans with a pattern on them and wondered why those jeans could have been her style, Kim came back by saying, "because it's ugly." She was stating the obvious, but at least somebody told her.

After their hour, they returned to James. St. James. BTW, do you think he ever goes around and yells "I'M SAINT JAMES, bitch!"? A lot of people were fairly disastrous, including Ebony, who was supposed to be rocking an edgy sophisticated look, but she looked horrible. Then again, if you need your friends to tell you if a $52 tank top is going to be worth the price of admission, maybe you deserve to lose. It was all no bother as Lisa won the event, and as an added bonus to winning this challenge, she got a chance to take home three articles of clothing that any of the rest of the girls were wearing. ANTM being the charitable enterprise that it is, Lisa also got a chance to pick two people to each take one article of clothing, so Kim and Ebony got on the confiscation freeway themselves.

Since the moment she was picked as a finalist, Lisa has been quite the object of confidence. She is a buyer, and she really eats, drinks and sleeps fashion. Everybody else is starting to become really annoyed with what she has to say, since she is giving everybody advice on how they could do better, what poses they should go with, and how they should work their styles, even if they had never asked her for help to begin with. Lisa is definitely a know it all, but so far she hasn't been that far off in what she's actually saying. It probably didn't help matters much when she was drunk whenever she was dishing out her advice, as they started doing impressions of her as soon as she left the room.

I don't know about you, but I think it would be great if more people wrote advice columns while they were drunk. I happen to dispense some of the best advice when I am on the verge of blackout. As for Lisa, sure it must suck for those girls to hear her advice, but she does seem to know what she was talking about. During the semifinals when the judges heard she was a buyer, they asked her questions about top designers and she knew what she was talking about. One of the criteria the judges use to determine a top model is their fashion sense and knowledge of the industry. Lisa is clearly ahead of everybody else in this regard, but she also seems more than eager to dispense advice, so why not take advantage of it?

For this week's photo shoot, Jay brought out a random photographer that looked like a Brett Rattner crossed with Matt LeBlanc. He told the girls that they should split into pairs, with each pair modeling the same outfit, creating a competition within the competition. Jay didn't tell the models that they would be competing with each other beforehand, so it made some of the pairings quite interesting. For instance, the girls had to wear the same dress, which became difficult when you go from size 0 Nicole to size 14 Diane. Speaking of Diane, she got a makeover, but it just made her look like a lot like Gabby Reece, if you could imagine Gabby Reece filmed the documentary Super Size Me. Jay tied to get Diane to do one of those action shots by saying she should jump in the air before her pose, but after she fell and cut her knee, they gave up on that idea. The bigger they are, Jay....

The most interesting competition was between Nik and Bre, who were modeling a couture look on a log. I know, I know, it doesn't exactly blow you away from the description, but it was great to see these two. I am really not that hot on Nik's new look, but the camera is loving her early on. Perhaps she has been practicing like Lisa and just hasn't been telling everybody else about it, but it looks like she is trying her hardest to make good on her promise during the first episode when she said that SHE was the competition.

In another battle that I call Man Hands vs. Man Glands, Sarah and Coryn took pictures next to a horse. Now, depending on which model you like you are saying, "Well, she's not hot, but I wouldn't call her a horse," but I am talking the four-legged variety. Maybe it was the animal that made the pictures look good, but you could tell that their makeovers worked. I still think Coryn's jaw is a little too, umm, formidable, and would make even Jennifer Garner and her homo habilis-like mandible laugh (I’ve been trying to work homo habilis into a recap for years, btw), but maybe she just needs to stop eating for a week to get rid of some muscle tone. Since there was no walking involved, Sarah seemed at ease, even when the horse (no, not Coryn, the other one) sneezed on her dress. I also really liked her new look.

Cassandra was still bugging out about her hair, but quite honestly, it is really striking. If she ever gets over the shock, and learns some model attitude to cover up that pageant passiveness that makes her so docile, I think the look really works for her. She said she was happy to go against Jayla because she thought Jayla was weak, but after Cassandra's frames were finished, Jay said that she would need a miracle.

The other pairs were Lisa and Ebony, who was described as looking like a dead carcass, not exactly the praise one is looking for, and Kyle and Kim. Kim was worried about how she would compete against Kyle, but they were wearing a pantsuit, and Kim, failing to impress people in a pantsuit is a like a fat person failing to impress you with their cooking. Anyway, here are my favorite shots from this week. (Click an image for a larger version)

It was time for judging and wouldn't you know it, Nigel was wearing one of his striped shirts, AGAIN. A lot of people think he's hot, but I look at him and see a slightly retarded Jake Gyllenhall, or slightly more retarded Jake Gyllenhall, depending on what you think of him. James St. James is the guest judge for this week.

Two by two, they brought the girls up and critiqued them. The panel has not been particularly hard this year without Janice and Nolé, and nobody is really interested in telling the girls how horrible they looked when they are in front of them. About the nastiest it got was when Jay Alexander told Ebony that a hair in the face photo is for ugly girls, but then I believe Tyra told her that her face was pretty, so that wasn't even an insult. Jay also told Coryn she had a fashion violation, and Tyra told Kyle that she is "trying too hard" even though she has everything she needs. God, I hope they have some really mean people guest judge later, because this is a little too tame.

When it came time to name the winners, Coryn beat out Sarah, even though James St. James said that Coryn was going for Beyonce but was more Rupaul, which is a PERFECT description of Coryn at this moment, i.e. not top model material. Kim beat Kyle, which surprised her, but looking at their picture, there was no life in Kyle's face, and on a second glance, she is looking dowdy after her makeover. Lisa beat Ebony, and the judges were floored by her pose. She told them that she has been practicing since she was seven and knows every pose in the book. I am sure the other girls wanted to roll their eyes, but considering the high praise Lisa garners each time, they should start practicing in front of the mirror until some of the moves come more naturally to them as well.

In my favorite comparison, Nik beat out Bre and Diane lost out to Nicole. I think Nicole had a good picture, but the judges called it the best of the group. James St. James said her look made him want to do naughty things, like perhaps see a porno movie, with women! Maybe I was expecting a little more couture or something more dramatic with the makeup, but I wasn't blown away. What do you think?

Cassandra, for all of her worrying, beat out Jayla. When she first came before the judges, Nigel tried to pump her up by saying that her look is dramatic, and she just has to work with it. Tyra then took a shot at her confidence by telling her that she didn't like the hair, because it wasn't what she had requested, which was specifically Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby. She said if Cassandra made it to next week, with an emphasis on IF, they would redo her hair. They also decided that they liked Jayla with shorter hair as well. Cassandra needs all the confidence she can get, because she has clearly been brainwashed with all of her beauty competitions. She literally said she wanted to go away from modeling because it was more of a career, and pageants help you develop more as a woman. Somebody buy her The Feminine Mystique, STAT!

After all of the winners were separated, the rest of the girls that made it this week were called until we were left with Ebony and Diane. Both of these girls had the same problem, which is that they had a lot much energy going into the competition, but it's not showing in any of the pictures. Ebony was confident and obsessed with modeling, but it seemed like she lost her confidence, and started wilting under Lisa's glow. Diane came in with a lot of spunk, but the beauty in her face and body were just not coming across in the photos.

Personally, I thought there was no chance that they were going to choose Diane, but that is exactly what happened. It's not that Diane isn't good looking, but she seems like she is not enjoying herself anymore, although the same could be said for Ebony. Perhaps the judges thought that since Ebony was so young, she would have plenty of chances, and it would give her a chance to mature before she took another stab at the business. I can't really say that I am that crushed, because neither girl really did it for me.

So, after the makeovers, I have to say that my favorites are Lisa, Bre, and Sarah. I also like Nik, but wasn't so hot on the makeover. I think Kyle and Kim will also go far. Who are your favorites? Did the right girl get sent home? Who had the best makeover? Who had the worst?

Posted by at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (40)

Excuse me while I catch my breath after watching the latest episode of Prison Break. Eschewing most of the slower and quieter storylines for the week, the show focused almost exclusively on the action inside the prison. And yes, for those of you who just had that fleeting thought of, "Heh-heh, 'action' in 'prison,' heh-heh, ooooooh-yeah this is gonna be goooooood heh-heh" well, I really have no joke for you. Because good ol' T-Bag was released back into the general population, and he had a hard-on, and well, he was looking for "action." Inside the prison. In other words, there's no joke to be made 'cause it happened. Sigh.

Actually, that opening paragraph sort of captures the difficulty of recapping the show this week - it was almost all action and excitement without much plot or character development. Sure there were several instances of forehead-slapping stupidity, but for the most part, not much dialogue and no Popsicle Taj Mahals and worst of all - no salad tossing granny in Montana. (Shout out to reader bdos88 for the apt use of "salad tossing.") That said, the show kicked ass. Fights, riots, near rapes, brutal beatings, stabbings, chokings, possible murder, and a trip to Washington DC! Yes, folks, Washington DC. This show is edgy.

Last week, the Salad Tossing Granny essentially ordered the jerkoff Secret Service guys to make sure Lincoln Burroughs was killed in prison before his date with the electric chair. Yes, it still totally bothers me that the state of Illinois does not use the electric chair, but whatever. That's me and my OCD and I needn't burden you with it... Back to the show. The Secret Service guys were enjoying the festivities at Chicago's famous Navy Pier in their black suits and sunglasses. For guys who specialize in secrecy, you'd think they'd opt for outfits that fit in with the crowd a bit better, but not these guys. They crept up on a nice suburban soccer dad who was enjoying the day with his kids. The dad was visibly shaken by their appearance, but had no choice but to hear them out. They needed him to "take care of something" at the prison and if he didn't comply, the police would find a nice chunk of heroin in the glove compartment of his minivan, effectively ruining his comfortable life. Later, the nice guy spoke with a mystery man at Fox Run Prison who stated, "Lincoln Burroughs is as good as dead." Well, yeah dude, he's on death row with less than a month to live... Pussiest. Death threat. Ever.

The only other storyline that took place outside the prison this week was the ongoing saga of lawyers Veronica and Nick and their noble attempt to expose the truth behind Lincoln's frame job. You'll recall that the best evidence they had, a copy of the surveillance video showing the shooting, mysteriously disappeared from Veronica's apartment. She blamed Nick - accusing him of being in cahoots with the vast conspiracy out to silence her and kill Lincoln. Nick's repeated phone calls were avoided, so he appeared at her home to confront her. We were treated to a clue (perhaps) when Veronica was watching some footage and in the background the audio track said, "... environmentally friendly, logistically feasible, and viable new fuel source..." Remember that the murdered VP's brother was the CEO of some eco-friendly energy firm. Man, if this storyline plays out, and he was murdered by some governmental oil concern, I fully expect gangs of unemployed 20-somethings in anti-WTO shirts to don their bandanas and goggles and set about smashing up Starbucks franchises from Miami to Seattle while chanting, "Free Mumia!"

Although the show dragged it out, I'll wrap up the lawyer storyline off the bat: Veronica avoided Nick some more; Nick surprised her at the prison as he was meeting with Lincoln when she arrived. He somehow convinced Lincoln to attain his services without Veronica's knowledge in less than a day, and even got clearance to meet with his death row client that very same day. I'm not lawyer, but damn, that seems pretty impossible. Anyway, Nick had some compelling circumstantial evidence - a phone call placed to the police notifying them of the murder emanated from Washington DC - not Chicago as one would expect. Duhn-duhn-duhhhhhnnn. Veronica and Nick made up and agreed to fly off to DC to pursue the lead. Again, I still think this Nick character is just trying to get into Veronica's pants. And we all know the "out of state" rule - time for Nick to cash in his chips in DC. Go get 'er, tiger!

Inside the confining walls of Fox Run Prison, our hero Michael Scofield was busy scurrying around the HUGE space behind the walls of the cells. He was running through his escape scenario again and appeared to be measuring some distances after checking one of his tattoos. Unfortunately for him, while he was doing his Boy Scout orienteering pacing exercises in the bowels of the prison, the guards called for a surprise bed check. Michael's roommate Sucre paced the cell in a panic and made a perfunctory attempt to put some pillows into Michael's bed. Uh-oh.

When the guard came by the cell, Sucre was sweating bullets and Michael was still lollygagging behind the wall. "Scofield, show some skin!" Just then, as if by magic, Michael was in bed where he belonged and all was well. And this time, he was nowhere near the Taj Ma-Transporter. Boy, that Americans with Disabilities Act has gone too far - now they are hiring blind and deaf prison guards?! After that close call, Michael was still all business. He explained to Sucre that he needed to bust through a concrete wall within one day to stay on his rigid breakout schedule. The bed checks were becoming a major nuisance... How dare they do that to him! Sucre thought about it for a moment and came up with a crazy plan - in fact, it was so crazy it just may work! If the prison was forced to lockdown, there'd be no more need for random bed checks... But how to create a lockdown situation?

The next day we were treated to another gritty hip-hop montage of the black inmates working out in the yard. After failing to give us the equally stereotypical salsa band ditty while the Latinos bet on cockfights, the show instead showed us a chance meeting between Michael and the lovely Dr. Tancredi. She gave him grief for not coming clean on his familial relationship with Lincoln, but immediately succumbed to his steely blue-eyed stare. Dr. Tancredi, of course, is also the daughter of the governor of Illinois who is a death penalty proponent. She apologized for his politics but promised to schedule Lincoln's appointments adjacent to Michael's, so the two of them could at least see each other for a brief moment each week leading up to the time when her father would be ultimately responsible for Lincoln's unjust, sizzling death. Awww, how sweet.

Next, Michael's kidnapping gay racist rapist nemesis, T-Bag, was released from the infirmary. I have always loved his "prison name," as to "teabag" someone is a rather lewd act. I thought it was great that this show was so bold as to name a prominent character after such a thing - I mean, I've been expecting his henchmen to be named "Cleveland Steamer" and "Rusty Trombone," but no such luck (so far). Sadly, FOX "explained" his name by revealing his birth name: Theodore Bagwell - what a huge letdown. Though, I guess by this crafty writing, they could call someone "Dickhead," and then reveal that his name is actually, Dick Head. Go for it FOX! T-Bag the character is rather confounding - first of all, he kidnapped, raped, and killed children, according to the first episode. In prison hierarchy, he'd be a dead man - but not here. Here, he's a leader and inspires awe from the racist skinhead faction as well as the gay gang. When he returned to the cellblock, he was even cheered and given a half gay, half racist chest bump. Upon reaching his cell, he was given a "present." Why, it's the perfect gift for a racist predatory rapist in prison! A pretty young boy named Seth! Creepy.

[At this point, you should get up and go run around your cubicle or house until your pulse rate is at its maximum. Then, sit back down and read the rest of the recap as fast as you can. This will increase your enjoyment ten-fold, I promise.]

After getting one of those old-school metal eggbeaters from another prisoner, Michael "escaped" his cell again, climbed up the walls, and pulled out some wiring from a fuse box. His intent was to kill the air conditioning and fans and, because it was already so sweltering, this would cause a prisoner rebellion, which would result in a lockdown. Damn this Michael - good looking AND smart! His actions had immediate results, as T-Bag was the first to freak out from the heat. While his boy Seth fed him nuts like the way we all envision Cleopatra ate grapes, he snapped. For some reason the cells were all open so T-Bag and his crew confronted the guards - all two of them. After some back and forth, the guard threw water in T-Bag's face. "Oh no you di'in't," said the Bagger, "Oh yes I di-id," came the head bobbing reply. "You been served!" Then, the last thing anyone wants to hear in prison: "It's on!"

And "on" it was, as now the whole cellblock was advancing on the dumbass guard who thought it would be a good idea to provoke someone like T-Bag. This commotion was just what Michael needed, as he and Sucre went through their hole and into the walls. Meanwhile, we had a little riot goin' on out in the cellblock. The guards retreated to a little cage and ordered a lockdown. Unfortunately, half the prisoners weren't even in their cells but were instead trying to get at the guards. And they were doing a very good job of it too - by shaking the little cage they were hiding in, they were able to loosen some nuts and bolts - I'm not really doing this scene (or this episode) justice here as it was all very fast paced and exciting, trust me. Head guard Bellick appeared and shared a tender moment with T-Bag. First, T-Bag called him out for being a cop wannabe making minimum wage (Snap!) so Bellick countered just how prison psychologists train them to: "Shut up T-Bag you inbred child of a retard. That's right, I've read your files - your dad raped your mongoloid sister and nine months later out popped little Teddy!" (Burn!)

Wow, that was deliciously nasty. After watching this season of Surreal Life with Omarosa and Janice Dickinson calling each other names, I'm going to have to give the "Insulter of the Year" Award to Bellick on Prison Break. Kudos, you prick. Unsurprisingly, the insult only fueled Bags' anger as he and his cronies went absolutely berserk on the cage protecting the guards. So berserk, in fact, that they broke through it just as the guards escaped behind a more secure door. But once inside the cage, T-Bag was able to unlock all the cellblock's cells and ... What's this? A full set of keys on the ground! In the fervor, a rookie guard dropped his keychain and now the prisoners had the run of the asylum. Grrrreeeaaaat.

The next thing we knew, Lincoln Burroughs was being escorted back to his cell (after meeting with Nick/Veronica) by another rookie guard. Of course, with a full-scale riot now in effect, his trip wouldn’t be as boring as usual. Rounding a corner, there appeared goddamn T-Bag and some friends. T-Bag, sizing up the young guard, simply asked Lincoln to step aside and let him at it. Lincoln, being the innocent galoot he is, decided that he’d try to protect the guard. In fact, the guard was scared so shitless, he simply let death row inmate Lincoln to unlock his cuffs himself, as he stood there petrified.

(While all this was going on, Sucre and Michael happily discussed escape plans safely away from the mayhem. This week’s ridiculous tattoo clue was that of a devil head, which Michael then projected onto the concrete wall. You see, behind the devil head projection was the sewer tunnel that they would use to ultimately escape. And, you see, the points of the devil’s horns and beard as well as his nose formed the necessary quincunx diagram for them to drill with the aforementioned special equipped egg beater, drilling at the optimal points to render the walls' tensile strength weak enough to topple. I mean, duh! Who didn’t see that one coming?)

[If your heartrate has slowed back down to normal, do some jumping jacks... Shit is about to GO OFF!]

Up in the infirmary, the good doctor was treating several inmates for heat exhaustion and other various ailments. When word of the riot reached the patients, they too decided to act out against authority. One particularly large gentleman choked out the one guard on duty, then attempted to do the same to Dr. Tancredi. She acted swiftly, though, by stabbing him in the hand and escaping into the relative safety of the office.

After a quick commercial, we returned to what I thought was Headbanger’s Ball (yes, it’s back on MTV2 by the way, often hosted by my boy Jamey Jasta) as Lincoln went sick on T-Bag and crew. With a little thrash-lite in the background and a pretty cool strobe/stop motion effect, the fight was produced most excellently, I must say – even if it did look like an Agnostic Front video from ten years ago. Beaten by sheer numbers, Lincoln was knocked out and left lying on the ground, as the guard was T-Bag’s true desire. He dragged the guard out in front of the rioters to massive cheers – even the blacks cheered him on, which I found simply ridiculous. They HATED this racist asshole a few episodes ago. T-Bag was fully intent on raping the poor young guard, and threw him into the closest available cell. By tossing his ragdoll body into the cell, he slammed him up against the toilet at the rear - which easily fell off the wall, exposing a large hole into the interstitial spaces of the prison. Holy Shit! Even the son of retarded incest knew… “They’re breaking out!”

HolyshitHolyshitHolyshit.

Seriously, as corny as this reads and as much as we knew the cell he was going into was Michael’s, it was all still totally badass. Just before T-Bag was about to yell out the secret to the masses, Abruzzi appeared and shut him up. Of course, this meant T would have to be let in on the plans and… and… the half-beaten guard is also now privy to the hole in the wall. If that weren’t enough, the mini riot up in the infirmary was now a full on attempt to get to the doctor, as the prisoners were doing their damndest to break through the door to get at her.

Oh my god, what could possibly happen next? Some handsome hulking dude picked Lincoln up off the floor and offered to help him find Michael in all the mess. Before female viewers who have a penchant for the meathead look could get their panties too wet, it turned out that this was the hitman ordered to kill Lincoln! And now he had a groggy Lincoln and there's no one around!

Then Michael and Sucre returned to their cell to find a half-dead guard, a T-Bag, and Abruzzi standing there with a riot going on outside. Michael’s a cool dude and all, but sheesh, that’s a hard situation to come correct in, you know? After barely absorbing the situation, he heard that Dr. Tancredi was trapped and about to be killed up in the infirmary! So he ordered everyone to keep the guard alive and that he’d be right back. He slipped back through his hole in a ridiculous effort to save the doctor somehow.

Breathe.

Lincoln is about to be killed off by some thug. T-Bag and a guard now know about the hole behind the toilet. There’s a full-scale riot going on. The doctor is about to be killed by angry felons. Michael is going to try to rescue her. And Veronica is going to DC with Nick. Can you believe that? With Nick?

And then we got this:

Which is kind of stupid when you realize the show is technically “to be continued” every week.

That’s right. I used the word “quincunx.” My Harper's subscription is paying dividends.

Posted by at 10:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (17)

At first I wasn't all that happy with this episode of House. It had a clipped pace to it that wasn't very appealing, all the interesting action happened in the first half-hour, and some of the subplots were pretty strained. They tried to get all earnest with Serious Issues, like race dynamics. House is not a show built for Serious Issues, unless it's taking the piss out of them and letting Hugh Laurie be a sarcastic, nasty man. But then I rethought it and yes, while the show stumbled over itself trying to be progressive, we got a few steps closer to what we all want out of this show: Cuddy and House knockin’ boots! So I guess it was a pretty good episode, after all.

Go Cuddy, go Cuddy, kickin’ ass, stayin’ fit - OH! You’ve got a pain! But youuuuu’re still going! Yay Cuddy! Of course, she ruins it all for me by being a raging classist bitch to her handyman. She won’t let him go, even though his asthma is acting up. She doesn’t want to be embarrassed at her dinner party tonight by a leaky roof. The poor guy agrees to stay and finish, and Cuddy goes inside, where she has another pain. It just looks like PMS to me, since she’s indicating pain at her right ovary. (Look at me, talking like a doctor.) Then she starts choking and coughing. Yeah right. Who do you think you are, Six Feet Under? Obviously she’s fine, just a little taken aback when Alfredo falls off the roof.

Cuddy accompanies Alfredo in the ambulance, and figures out he’s not paralyzed, at least. However, his fingers are turning purple. Alfredo asks if that’s bad, and Cuddy responds by staring, terrified, at the EMT. Terrified staring is TV-speak for ‘yes.’

When they get to the hospital, House, Cuddy, and Wilson talk about the case and use lots of complicated medical speak that I don’t understand, but that’s OK. What’s important to know is that House sexually harasses the bejeezus out of Cuddy here (she’s still wearing her workout clothes).

Chase is trying to treat Alfredo, but the guy does not want to be in the hospital. His mom and little brother are there, and Alfredo is explaining that he has to work, as he’s the breadwinner for the family. Chase doesn’t understand this language of the poor people and gets all huffy. Later, Cuddy gets all frantic and orders the most extreme course of action for Alfredo – drugs that help with blood clotting that she thinks is causing his dying fingers. Of course, she second-guesses herself later as she talks with Stacy. Meanwhile, House is discussing Alfredo with Wilson. I really like Wilson as House’s sounding board, and it looks like the Cuddy-Stacy relationship might be paralleling that. This is good, because this show needs more sympathetic female characters. And by “more,” I mean “one, just one, oh please oh please before Cameron turns me into a complete misogynist.”

B-story time, and this time it stars Foreman. His issue: racism. He has a clinic patient, an older African-American man who refuses to take medication that’s specifically targeted to African-Americans. He’s sick of whitey propagating lies to the black man. Actually, his argument is a little tenuous, but it’s just a setup for Foreman to get in a fight with House later.

Back to Alfredo now. He can’t feel his right arm, and Chase determines that he’s got a bleed in his brain. Immediate surgery ensues. Gosh, this show is all about drilling into people’s heads. Wow, this one got graphic, with blood spurting out of Alfredo’s skull everywhere. Good thing I’m prepared, with my Tuesday Night Puke Bucket right here by my bed.

And I’m gonna need it. After the surgery Cameron checks up on Alfredo, and the magic stethoscope-camera shows us some nasty pustules on his lungs. Cuddy thinks it’s from stress brought on by his fall from her roof. House mocks her (and I think he kind of has a point) for making Alfredo’s illness all about her. I know Cuddy’s only doing it out of guilt, but still. Get over, be a doctor now. Foreman proposes that Alfredo has pneumonia, since that can cause purple fingers. Oooh! Oooh! That happened to me once! I was 17 and thought I had a cold, but I was really tired too and had to lie down in the hall every time I tried to leave my room, and my mom thought I was just lazy, but finally when my hands turned purple she took me to the doctor’s office and they were all like, “uh, she has advanced pneumonia, maybe you should take your first-born to the ER now,” and man, the therapy bills since then have been astonishing.

Um, where were we? Oh yeah, Cuddy agrees that it’s pneumonia since Alfredo’s asthma was acting up before he fell. House has her and Cameron go to Alfedo’s house to see if there are any guilty bacteria there. More interestingly, House, Chase and Foreman head over to Cuddy’s house, on the rather dubious theory that Alfredo is there a lot and may have become infected there. They pass by Stacy and Wilson on their way out. Wilson tells Stacy what’s up, and Stacy first seems surprised, then suspicious of House’s interest in Cuddy. Wilson basically tells her that she doesn’t get to care about House and Cuddy, at least not that way. Again, I love the interactions between the older characters – you can see the shared history and affection between them. That’s some good acting.

In Alfredo’s apartment, Cameron is pretending to be nonchalant as she interrogates Cameron about House. She’s like a preschooler with the questions. She asks why Cuddy hasn’t fired House, she asks if Cuddy hates House, she asks if they knew each other in college. “Yeah, I knew him. He was already a legend,” replies Cuddy. “So, you just knew him as a legend,” says Cameron. “My god, you’re subtle!” barks Cuddy. All is right with the world. I love Cuddy again.

Over at Cuddy’s house, House is being gross and going through her underwear drawer. He also stares so lustfully at her bed that I’m surprised he doesn’t just start jerking it right there. Hm. They should definitely have sex. You know that if House and Cuddy do get around to it, it’s going to be shot tastefully and be all meaningful and spiritually fulfilling. But I think it should be graphic and degrading. It would be truer to the characters.

Back to the hospital and Alfredo’s treatment, which is turning out to be the most boring part of this episode. Though Alfredo’s 12-year-old brother does call Cuddy a bitch, which is mildly cool. Later, Stacy interrupts House right in the middle of General Hospital, so she checks to make sure it’s on commercial before she talks to him. See? There’s familiarity, and the writers aren’t forgetting about it. I love it. However, Sela Ward’s waxer needs to lay off the caffeine – those eyebrows probably need to register as weapons.

Back in Alfredo’s room, Cameron is doodling around with various tubes and needles. Poor Alfredo has to translate everything for his mom and Cameron. Wouldn’t a hospital have a translator on staff? It seems really insensitive of everyone to make the dying guy translate medical terms.

After discussing the case some more with everyone, House goes into Alfredo’s room, where he and his brother are talking in Spanish. So are we not supposed to be able to understand this conversation? It becomes a plot point later that House secretly knows Spanish, which makes me think that we’re meant to be surprised to learn that the little brother is taking some of Alfredo’s shifts somewhere. But don’t most people have a passing understanding of Spanish? Anyway, in any language, Alfredo’s hand has gone seriously nasty. I do believe that’s gangrene. Mmmm, moldy.

House wants to amputate the hand, which is not going over well with Cuddy. She figures that without his hand, Alfredo won’t be able to work. “Can’t work as a cripple?” asks House sarcastically. Oh, snap. Maestro, cue the Piano of Sorrow and Recrimination.

Cuddy explains to Alfredo why he needs to have his hand amputated even though it won’t cure him. He agrees to it, and his mom sings a lullaby which for some reason, and I still can’t figure out why, annoys the living crap out of me. But it’s over soon enough, as Foreman barges into House’s office to yell at him for prescribing a different drug to his patient. The man had come back after deciding against Foreman’s recommended drug, and House prescribed him one that wasn’t specifically for black people. Except House did prescribe that drug, he just told the patient it was a different drug. This pisses off Foreman, who finds it condescendingly racist. And, curtain. That’s it? That’s Foreman’s whole racism subplot? Are we supposed to think that House has really learned his lesson this time? That was a waste of time. I actually think they should devote more time to this in another episode, because I think they could do it intelligently, but this subplot was silly.

Oh man, it’s gross amputation surgery time. Every episode is nastier than the last – can you imagine what’s going to happen during March sweeps? Maybe a Special Live Event with the doctors reattaching someone’s intestines to their kidneys. Or maybe the separation of conjoined twins? Seriously, this is getting out of hand. Hey Oh! See what I did there? Cuz they’re amputating a HAND…sorry, I’m just trying to avoid what happening on screen. The doctors cut away Alfredo’s skin and muscle, then saw through the bones. I’ll be needing a second Puke Bucket.

As Stacy and Cuddy watch the surgery from the balcony, Cuddy gives us a brief biography. She finished med school at age 25, and was second in her class; she became Chief Resident when she was 32, which made her the second youngest ever and the first woman. She feels like those accomplishments are worthless, though, because she wasn’t able to figure out what was wrong with Alfredo. She feels bad now, but when Chase comes in and reports that Alfredo’s other hand is purple, Cuddy looks about ready to throw herself off a cliff.

Everyone gathers in Cuddy’s office to develop some new theories about Alfredo. House decides that Alfredo has an infection on his heart that is breaking off into his bloodstream. We get to see a graphic of this that is surprisingly pretty. Does Pixar do the graphics on this show? This looks like Finding Nemo.

House thinks Alfredo got this infection from handling live poultry. It’s not bird flu, but the dusty nasties that birds can get. House goes momentarily insane and tries to give Alfredo a shot of adrenaline to get him out of recovery quicker. It’s weird, but luckily Cuddy intervenes, and House decides to just ask Alfredo’s mom where he works in the evenings. See, House speaks Spanish now, and heard the little brother tell Alfredo he’d take his shift tonight.

So, Cuddy and Foreman go out on the town to find Alfredo’s secret job, which turns out to be…wrangling birds at a cockfight. So, earlier in the show we had a conversation between House and Foreman that was supposed to show us that the writers were all hip to race relations…and now, without irony, they’re telling us that the Mexican kid got sick because he works at an illegal cockfight run by Mexicans who drink Mexican beer and listen to loud Mexican music and are Mexican? Is that really the best they could do? Or do they figure they’re off the hook for Latin sensitivity because earlier they gave Omar Epps some Black Power-esque dialog? Stupid yuppie writers.

Well, whatever, the show’s almost over so I’m gonna stop caring now. They figure out that Alfredo did get sick from the chickens – he was more susceptible because of his asthma. He thanks Cuddy for saving his life, and I’m sure he truly means it, but still, he’s gonna have to go ahead and sue the hospital. Cuddy doesn’t seem to mind too much.

Later, House tries to be nice to Cuddy, in his own special way. He tells her she’s a very good boss and also a delusional narcissist. Aw, the softer side of House! Then he asks rhetorically why everyone thinks they’ve slept together. Ha! The look on Stacy’s face is AWESOME. Cuddy can’t even look her in the eye. After Cuddy and House have graphic sex, I think Cuddy and Stacy should mud wrestle. MILF Battle Royale 2005.

So, the Cuddy-House backstory is still a mystery, but we’re getting close to something titillating, I can just feel it. Of course, we have a while to wait, because baseball is preempting House until fricking November. That is crazy talk. But hey, Ron Livingston will be a guest star, so there’s something to look forward to. Also, I didn’t get to try out the suggestions for doctor nicknames, since this episode was so Cuddy-centric. But my two favorites were Outhouses (thanks Scott!) and Housemates (thanks Tom!). Tell me what you think – you’ve got five weeks!

Posted by Kat at 2:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

• Laura Bush to appear on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Wow, you know somebody's gotta be really hurting to get the First Lady. Maybe it's a blind, deaf, autistic, Iraq War veteran with one leg and cancer? [E! Online via Yahoo]


• Uh oh! Jennifer Gardner accidentally leaked the sex of her unborn child on the Tonight Show. I would tell you if it's a boy or a girl, but then I remembered that no one cares. [AP]


• Spike TV ends its illustrious career with wrestling. But you knew that already since you read TVgasm, right? [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]


• Commander In Chief does well in the ratings. Better than Amazing Race: Family Edition. Lesson for CBS: if it ain't broke, don't fix it. [Hollywood Reporter]


• Got an idea for a reality show? Take it to ABC! The network is looking for cheap shows to air on Saturday nights. Look, just bring Sorority Life back from MTV, and I guarantee I'll be watching. [Mediaweek]


• In case you haven't been following it, Current TV fan Alessandra Stanley has gotten into quite the dust-up with Geraldo Rivera after she falsely reported that he pushed an Air Force rescue worker out of the way to be on camera. This never would have happened with Virginia Heffernan. [USA Today]

Posted by at 1:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Tonight's episode starts off with a mystery: where'd the food go? All that's left in the kitchen are cryptic signs telling the contestants they'll have to "order in or dine out". This sounds suspiciously like a Detour, which, as you know, is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. (Speaking of the Amazing Race, how awkward was it that the African-American family was named the Black family? That'd be like having a contestant on this show named McLardo.)

Suzi is totally freaking out over the food's disappearance. Seems she's just not ready to have to order her own food yet. From the looks of it, she's not ready to do her own hair and makeup yet either.

Down in the gym, the guys are working out when Jillian comes back. If you remember, she "quit" at the end of last week's episode when she got fed up with Nick's lame attempts at humor insubordination. Today, she won't even talk to him. Matt tells her they need her more than anything, and when she walked out yesterday, "it ripped our guts out." (Insert your own punchline here.)

Bob tells us it's "Food Gone Week" (Who came up with that name? The writer's two-year old?), and the only thing left in the house is Temptation Food, which, unfortunately, are not leftovers from Temptation Island. He tries to get his team to narrow down their menu choices to one style, such as Chinese or Mexican. Ryan balks at the last choice, telling the group, "for me, Mexican food is a red light." If I were on Ryan's team I think I'd try to talk her into eating Mexican, as she's sure to lose a lot of liquid weight if nothing else. Of course, I'd also squat to pee. (You know, cuz I'd be a woman.) Suzanne then chimes in that she doesn't like spicy food. But she says it in a really snotty voice that made me want to shove a kung-pao burrito down her throat.

Time for this week's Temptation Challenge. As nobody's had breakfast yet, it should be even harder to resist. And just what do our contestants have to resist this week? Non-alcoholic milkshake shots! The teams are met on the lawn by Jackie Keller, Nutrition Coach and Celebrity Chef to such A-listers as Charlize Theron and Luke Wilson's brother. The contestants are sectioned off so they can't see each other; in front of each is a table full of chocolate, strawberry and vanilla milkshake shots. Jackie tells them each shake is made with reduced fat milk and contains just 40 calories. (40 calories? That's not that much. I bet I've worked off more than that just typing this recap so far.) Whoever drinks the most shots gets to pick one person to share the prize: having Jackie serve as their personal chef all week. This is a pretty big deal, because the rest of the players will have to order in or dine out at restaurants all week. At least Suzi thinks so, because she's still freaking out about the menus. And because she's the only one who drinks the shakes.

In Suzi's defense, it doesn't help that you can't see what the other players are doing. Drinking? Not drinking? Making origami swans? Matt starts rearranging his glasses as if he's trying to solve a puzzle. Unfortunately for Suzi, she misinterprets the clinking glasses as someone trying to win the contest, and starts downing shots, telling us later, "I just opened my throat and started drinking every thick one of those that I could." (Again, insert your own punchline.) Meanwhile, of course, nobody else is drinking. Matt explains his decision as politics, while Suzanne said that to "engorge herself" like Suzi did goes against everything they've learned since day one. Thankfully, the producers then showed us a a clip of Suzanne shoving a goat-sized loaf of bread in her mouth during the Farewell Feast, thus saving me the trouble of reposting the shot of her licking the fondue tower.

As Jackie tallies the results, Suzi starts to realize nobody else drank any of the shakes. Uh-oh, Suzi's looking a bit agitated. Why? Because she drank 48 milkshake shots! As someone points out off camera, she could've drank just one and still won. But no, she drank 48. Suzi can't believe nobody else tried to win. "Didn't they think it was a good prize?" She picks Ryan to share Jackie for the week, hoping the two of them can lose a lot of weight and save the team. Otherwise, they'll be voted out. Not to mention publicly mocked. Oops, too late.

Later, Suzi thinks her decision to drink 48 milkshakes has turned the team against her, and is bringing morale down. She gets really upset, and goes outside to cry to Bob about it. Mark, meanwhile, looks out the door and wonders, "I don't know how many calories crying burns, but she can stay out there as long as she wants." So is Mark pulling for Suzi to lose more weight, or just being a catty beyatch?

Bob tries to reassure Suzi about how well she's doing, but Suzi is hearing none of it. Literally. She tells Bob she needs to hear him tell her she's doing okay. Uhm, he just did. He then adds, "You're doing more than okay. You're one of the strongest players here." Still not hearing it, Suzi tells Bob, "and I'm not feeling that from you right now." Perhaps Bob should've tried explaining it to her via the international language of interpretive dance.

As part of "Food Gone Week" the contestants go out to dinner at The Cheesecake Factory. That's harsh. Why not just take a field trip to Hershey, Pennsylvania? (Speaking of which, did you know Pennsylvania's a state? One of the women on the Amazing Race didn't. Man, I wish I were recapping that show.) Bob's team has a lot of questions about what to order, and they take his advice and make healthy choices. Jillian's team, on the other hand... When she catches Matt trying to sneak a dessert behind a napkin, she grabs the dessert and pours salt all over it. Then she delivers the following Deep Thought: "You've got to change your behavior. You do not need to rely on willpower. Willpower is greatly overrated, and by destroying it, it will make it incapable for you to submit to temptation." Is it just me, or does that make no sense whatsoever? If ever there were a time for a bit of awkward ADR on this show, ala The Donald on The Apprentice, this is it.

Time for this week's challenge, which takes place on a train. (By the way, I was going to call this week's recap The Great Train Flabbery, but I didn't want to be accused of relying too heavily on fat jokes -- get it? Heavily?) Caroline makes her first appearance of the night, telling the contestants, "Until now, you've been training on treadmills and training on bicycles... But for today's challenge, you'll be training... on a train!" Why doesn't this woman have a sitcom? Or at least a recurring role on Joey. The way this challenge works is pretty simple: Each team puts one player on each car of the train. At opposite ends of the train are 36 colored rubber balls. The goal is to pass the balls from one end of the train to the other, one ball at a time. First team to get all 36 balls from one end of the train to the other gets to make like ET and phone home.

The women get off to a fast start, and build up a quick two-ball lead. By the halfway point, however, the men have caught up and tied it at 18 balls apiece. Matt tells us if it were any other prize he'd have probably sat out (he did tear a quad last week), but that he really wants to rub it in Suzanne's face. Evidently, he's still smarting from the fondue tower incident. Actually, he just wants to call home. Carrying the last ball, Nick starts tossing it up in the air as he's walking down a moving open-air car! Man, it'd have been funny to see him drop the ball off the train. For one, because he'd have made his team lose. For another, because it'd be the first funny thing he's done since the show started. And the guy's a friggin' comedian! I'm surprised NBC hasn't talked to him about replacing Matt LeBlanc. Poor Suzanne, meanwhile, is waiting dejectedly by the door for Jen, who's too tired from making faces to finish her leg. Guys win!

Mark tells us after their victory, they all gave a little high five, then sat down and almost passed out. All except for Pete, that is, who sat down and almost had a heart attack. Fortunately for Pete, this time Dr. Jeff was within arm's distance, so he was able to pat him on the shoulder until the ambulance showed up. (Between ignoring Matt last week and not doing much for Pete this week, Dr. Jeff is starting to make Dr. House look like Florence Nightingale.) After watching Pete get loaded into the ambulance, Dr. Jeff is surprised to see a second ambulance pull up. As he tells us later, "I thought, 'Pete's not that big a guy'." Way to steal my thunder, Doc. Instead, the second ambulance was for Ryan, who couldn't catch her breath. (By the way, why did Pete and Ryan each get an ambulance, when last week poor Matt got schlepped around in the PA's van?)

Later, Ryan returns to a less than enthusiastic response from her team. Seriously, I've seen more enthusiasm at the proctologist's office. When she mentions it in her voiceover, they cut to shots of Jen and Shannon so not caring. Imagine how bad she'd feel if she saw the way Pete was greeted by his teammates. Hugs all around! Turns out Ryan had an asthma attack and maybe an anxiety attack, while Pete simply had a cold. A very big cold.

The guys get to make their phone calls home. It's been over a month since they've talked with their loved ones, so it's pretty emotional. Pete, who for some reason calls his wife Bubba, tells us when he's home, he talks with her at least two hours a day. Evidently, the honeymoon still isn't over. I've been married for seven or eight years now, and I'm lucky if I talk to my wife two hours a week. (Kidding!) Seth's wife tells him he has some competition, as she's lost five pounds in the month he's been gone. "Five pounds?" he snorts. "I've lost 29. In your face, Charlie Murphy!" She also tells him the baby's started crawling. "Crawling-crawling?" he asks. "Crawling crawling crawling," she tells him. (I'm no Dr. Spock, but when they showed footage of Seth's baby, he looked to be just crawling. Maybe I'm missing something here?) Dr. Jeff gets to talk with his wife and kids next. Man they're loud. If I were him, I'd start doing suppositories just so I could spend another week away from them. Still, they're not as loud as the Godlewski harpies on The Amazing Race.

After the break, we have time for one last workout before the Weigh-In. Seth tells us he feels vulnerable, because he's the smallest guy and that could make him a threat. Huh? That just means you have less weight to lose, idiot. The show's called The Biggest Loser for a reason. Seth says Nick is also vulnerable, because he's a lazy bastard and he made Jillian cry like a girl. Not really. But speaking of Jillian, she's taking so much pleasure from punishing the guys she should be in an Herbal Essences commercial. (Side note: I used to like that shampoo, but once they started that orgasm campaign, I quit using it. Not because it offended me as a consumer, which it does, but rather because it offended me as a copywriter, which I am.)

Suzi, meanwhile, really wants the women to win because she feels the team is shattered. A better reason might be because a loss would send her home, but Suzi's still freaked out about the menu situation, so she's not thinking too clearly.

Time for the Weigh-In. The guys start out at 1914 pounds. Nick tells Caroline he thinks he's gained weight, because he's eaten so much sushi he thinks he ate a dolphin. Did I mention he's a comedian? They end up losing 26, or 1.35% of their total weight.

That means the women need to lose 17 pounds in order to win. Will Suzi's 48-milkshake gamble pay off? After three weigh-ins, the women have lost nine pounds, meaning they only need to lose eight more for the victory. Too bad Jen's up next, as she doesn't lose any. And here I thought making all those faces would burn off a few calories. That puts the pressure entirely on Ryan to win. (Wait, no it doesn't. It's not like a baseball game and she's the last batter; it's a collective effort. God, now I'm making Jen faces.) Fortunately, Ryan loses one more pound than necessary, bringing the women's total loss to 18 pounds, or 1.37% or their total weight. Bet those 48 milkshake shots are tasting a lot sweeter now, eh Suzi?

Since Mark lost the most weight on the guy's team, Caroline tells the group he's safe from elimination. Then, she tells the rest of the team, "I'll give you until tomorrow night to decide who is weighing you down." Ooh, a catchphrase! And it only took three weeks.

Now, the scheming starts. Nick tells us he's not worried, as he's lost 41 pounds. (Pause.) And 27 pence! (He swears that joke went over better in Ye Merry Olde England.) Instead, Matt, Mark and Nick decide they're going to take out Seth. Mark's logic? "I'm 12 years older than Seth, and I'm losing more weight than him." I bet Mark's going to be a lot of fun at the retirement home. "I'm 12 years older than you, and I don't need a damn catheter!" Later that night, Matt is having second thoughts, and wants to keep Seth over Nick. Mark is having none of it, telling Matt, "As big a pain in the ass as Nick is, he still dropped a three-spot. Did you see how much he ate? I think he can drop a ten-spot. As young as Seth is, he should've dropped at least a six-spot." What a spot-on analysis, Mark. I think all the dieting has made your IQ drop a 50-spot. Matt reluctantly agrees, and it looks like Seth is going home. Surely the producers wouldn't pull a Mark Burnett-style misdirection on us, would they?

At the Elimination Ceremony, everyone dresses fairly well, except Nick, who's wearing a green shirt and green plaid stupid pants, aka Buttafuco pants. This show's elimination ceremony is brutal: not only do you have to reveal who you voted for, you have to explain why. Dr. Jeff says he's voting to eliminate Seth, as he thinks Seth would be the most successful if he left the house now. Seth votes to eliminate Nick, because he thinks Nick is a caring person. A caring person that isn't as committed to losing weight as the rest of the team. Ha! Nick votes to eliminate a mystery teammate named "Larson". Allow Nick to explain: "Where I come from, a 'Larson' is a person who...you can't believe a word they say. And the person I distrust the most is..."

Time for another stupid "The More You Know" PSA. This time it's Karen from Will & Grace, telling me it's who you are inside that counts. Man, I hate preachy actresses.

Nick reveals the identity of the Larson: Seth! That's two votes Seth, one vote Nick. As the rest of the team's already told Nick they're voting for Seth, he believes he's safe and starts to gloat. But wait! Pete votes to evict Nick. Then Mark says he's changed his vote since last night, and now votes to evict Nick. Suddenly, it's two votes Seth, three votes Nick. If Matt votes for Nick, he's gone. If he votes for Seth, it's a tie and the women get to decide who goes. (I hope that happens sometime this season.) Poor Mattie. He's shaking so badly I wish Dr. Jeff would check on him, but he is clear at the other end of the table... Matt says the decision literally made him sick. It's just too bad he didn't make the decision before the Weigh-In, because losing all that vomit might have helped the guys win. Plus, I've been in vomit withdrawal since Survivor. "I also didn't sleep, and I know I've lost a true friend," he tells Caroline. "I vote to evict Nick."

Nick is stunned. Or at least I think he is. Those professional comedians are so good at hiding their pain, only to later channel it into their art. Caroline points out that Matt's card even says "I'm sorry" on it. "Do you want to say goodbye to your team?" she asks Nick. "Nah," he answers. Now it's Caroline who's stunned. Or maybe she just has gas. "Really? You don't want to be home later, wishing you'd said..." "Nah," Nick interrupts. "I'm cool." And with that, Nick walks out of the elimination chamber, and, sadly, out of our hearts.

Matt tells Caroline that Nick's reaction makes him feel he made the right choice, adding, "I'm upset, though, because I broke my word in front of these guys. And I hope they can continue to trust me. Because we're still a team." Yeah, except for Seth, who now knows the whole "team" wants him gone.

Later, Nick consoles himself, telling the camera "I beat 'em all. America, next time you see me, there's going to be a cover charge and two-drink minimum. And believe me, I'm worth every pound." Again with the British humor.

One thing I think I forgot to mention in the prior recaps (I'm too lazy to go back and check) is that the show does a little update segment on this week's loser, showing how their time at the ranch changed their lives and inspired a nation, along with how much additional weight they've lost since their eviction. Remember when I said comedians channel their pain into their art? Well, Nick's come up with a doozy about his time on the ranch. "The Biggest Loser was the worst experience of my life." And while he looks to have lost more weight since he left (along with his facial hair), he says he doesn't know how much he weighs, as he doesn't weigh himself any longer. Seems he gave that up for Lent. Too bad he couldn't give up being unfunny for Lent, what with being a comedian and all. The producers get the segment's last (and only) laugh, however, in Nick's "Before" and "After" shots. Under his "Before" picture, it reads "Nick lost 41 pounds at the ranch." Under his "After" picture, it simply reads "His current weight is unknown." Snap!

So what did you think of this week's episode?

Posted by at 1:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Well, it's Tuesday night at 11:44 pm. I just got home from work, and I have a two hour premiere episode of Amazing Race waiting for me. Can you think of a better homecoming? Neither can I. But my excitement is tempered a bit. After all, this is that most egregious of seasons. You know what I'm talking about. Those two pesky words, "Family Edition," are really scaring me. Will The Amazing Race jump the shark, or will producer Bertram Van Munster work his magic all over again?

In the interest of saving time, I'm just going to do a "liveblog" of the show this week (even though this is far from live at all). Time to jump in for another rollercoaster ride... (I hope).

11:50 PM
Ah! New York City. And look! There's Phil on the Statue of Liberty. Maybe someday, France will give New York a giant Phil statue too.

11:53 PM
Wow. Ferry attack! Did they really need five water taxis for ten families? This is highly inefficient.

11:54 PM
Time to meet the fams! First up, the Gaggin' familiy? Oh, sorry, it's Gaghin. Wow. I hate them. Mostly because they force their kids to run 5ks. And freakin' Carissa can run a seven minute mile. I especially hate her for that. "What adult out there can run a seven minute mile?" asks Carissa's mom. I don't know. Maybe the ones who were forced to by their parents at an obscenely young age.

11:57 PM
Okay, I'm still fixated on this Gaghin family. First of all, I thought faux Dakota Fanning was bad enough. But then there's her devious brother Billy who tells us, "Me and my sister Carissa will work as a team spying on the other teams. We'll pretend to fool around while we have our eyes and ears open." Isn't it wonderful the values these parents have instilled in their children?

11:59 PM
Carissa says, "I might be small, but I am NOT shhtupid." How about you're shhh-annoying.

12:00 AM
Wow, I've been making fun of a seven-year-old. New low for TVgasm.

12:01 AM
Okay, the Linz family. They're all in their twenties. Their motto: "We're attractive." We know they like to have fun because we see them tossing beanbags at each other. Oh those crazy Linz kids! Nothing like a good old fashion throw-the-beanbag fight. Nevertheless, during the interview, older brother Alex says, "Tommy and Megan are still in that educational phase of maturing and learning how to deal with an electric company and how to pay their electrics on time." Alex, on the other hand, is part of that noneducational phase of maturing where he no longer knows how to use simple words like "electricity bills."

12:05 AM
Next up, the Paolo family from Carmel, NY. Dad's a garbage man. And he's living the American Dream. This guy is awesome, and so is his wife (I always like the older people). Unfortunately, their sons seem like budding douchebags. We'll have to keep an eye on them.

12:07 AM
Oh look! It's the black family. I mean, the Black family. I mean, the black Black family. Basically, the only black team is the family Black. They seem pretty active. They do karate together. They wear tie-dye together. They even splash water together. Go Black power!

12:09 AM
Austin, the youngest Black kid (why does it sound so wrong when I write that. It's their name!), says that he'll do well on the race because "It doesn't hurt that I'm kind of cute." Awww. He really is quite cute. I hope he beats up that Carissa moppet.

12:10 AM
The Bransen family. A guy with his three daughters. And did I mention they are hilarious? Dad's name is Walter, but one of the daughters notes that "We always call him Wal-der instead of Walter." Oh, now that is RICH!

12:12 AM
Next up is the Weaver family. Widow and children from Florida. Oh. Widow = party foul. I'll just bite my tongue for now.

12:13 AM
Did I mention how much of a downer the Weavers were? Dad worked at a race track and was sent out to pick up debris. A car came around the bend and struck and killed him. And Extreme Makeover: Home Edition missed these people how?

12:14 AM
Because it's never a reality show without Boston accents, we now have the Aiello family. And let me tell you something. Paterfamilias Tony wears a wicked beret.

12:16 AM
Wow, can we start this race yet? Nope, more families.

12:19 AM
We meet the Schroeders who seem okay, but the real fun is with the Godlewski family: four blonde sisters whose strength appears to be riding a mean merry-go-round.

12:20 AM
The Rogers family is the last, and uh oh. I think we found a possible villain. Dad says, "I'm the one that's gonna be taking control. I think it's a man thing. I think it's a biblical thing. I truly believe that the man is the authority of the house." Other things he believes in: killing puppies. Just guessing.

12:24 AM
Wow, could this be a gloomier Amazing Race premiere?

12:25 AM
Phil's looking quite dapper in his striped shirt. I wonder if it has an attachable turtleneck collar.

12:26 AM
I love how Phil says "Good luck. Travel safe," and then raises one eyebrow as if to say "And be RAVISHING!"

12:27 AM
Hey Carissa, why aren't you at the front of the pack? I thought you could outrun most adults.

12:28 AM
Okay! First clue! And they're going to... SoHo? To EMS? Hmmmm....

12:31 AM
The Paolo family nearly has a conniption fit when Dad can't figure out how to turn right. I love these people.

12:33 AM
All I'm seeing are lots of women screaming and saying things like "Desperate Housewives!" Bear with me as I try to figure out who's who.

12:36 AM
One of the Godlewski gals says to a New Yorker, "Hi! We're looking for the town of SoHo." Families or no families, Amazing Race always delivers with these sorts of shenanigans. Even better: these Godlewski women have crazy midwest accents. "We are doing an ahhsam jaaab girls," says one of them. My ears are bleeding.

12:28 AM
Could this cast BE any blonder?

12:40 AM
Oh WEAK! All the stuff they have to buy at Eastern Mountain Sports is already laid out for them. Whatever happened to in-store scavenger hunts??

12:41 AM
Okay, now teams have to go uptown to a hot dog stand. I smell a very sketchy Roadblock...

12:42 AM
The Godlewskis strike again: "SLEEPING BAYAGS!!!" (sleeping bags)

12:44 AM
Man, momma Paolo is the best. Not only does she rock the neck kerchief, but she also does the stereotypical New York Italian thing by yelling, "ALL RIGHT! You said it a hundred times already! Give it a break!" She's the bestest.

12:47 AM
Okay, EMS has officially turned into a disaster zone. Girls are shrieking left and right, displays are getting knocked over. It's just how I imagine every autograph signing that Phil goes to.

12:49 AM
Must we see the Empire State Building every time we switch families?

12:50 AM
Oh good! ANOTHER cutaway shot of the Empire State Building. Almost forgot what it looked like for a sec.

12:51 AM
Why are these people taking the West Side highway to get to 90th street between Park and Lex? Oh that's right. They're IDIOTS! (Notice how I'm pulling my "I have a knowledge of Manhattan" card? Yeah, it makes me cool.)

12:53 AM
Daddy Schroeder has this to say: "Too bad we don't have any handicapped children we could push into traffic to block traffic to help us get ahead." All it takes is a crowbar and some painkillers...

12:55 AM
Awww. The Black family is so nice. Dad's making sure his sons take in New York City. The only thing that could make this moment any better would be if Momma Paolo showed up on screen and ooh! There she is! And somehow she has endless patience with her ridiculous sons. "You know you're cute when you get angry?" she says. You know what else they become when they're angry? ANNOYING.

12:58 AM
My other favorite team, the Linz family, arrives at the hot dog stand first. They have to now cross the George Washington Bridge and travel ninety-seven miles to Washington's Crossing in PA. Wow. Rural Pennsylvania. This season is too exotic for words...

12:59 AM
The hot dog guy hands a clue to Carissa. Later, he tells the camera, "She's cute." Yeah, and she's also a robot.

1:02 AM
Weaver mom reads, "Your clue is in the historic park in Pennsylvania? I don't know if that means the state of Pennsylvania." Yeah, that's usually what people mean when they say "Pennsylvania." Kind of like how when I refer to California, I usually say, "California." I know. It's crazy.

1:06 AM
Poor Weaver mom. Totally overthinking this. "Pennsylvania may be a state." IT'S A MYSTERY!

1:07 AM
She may not know about Pennsylvania, but she sure knows about Jesus. "Stick to the Lord. Do you know about the Lord?" she asks a trucker. When he says the Lord is his friend, momma then adds, "We'll be spending eternity together!" Yay! Wait, this is sort of creepy.

1:10 AM
Hmmm... Don't like the "Family Edition" route markers (they're yellow and silver). Nevertheless, the Aiello family arrives first. They have to pick a boat and cross the Delaware River, grab a thirteen-star American flag, paddle back, and observe a flag-folding ceremony. Wow, the first hour isn't over and already we've had rampant Jesus talk and patriotism. This is the most Red State-y Amazing Race yet.

1:14 AM
Addendum to the last comment: David of the Aiello family is a former Marine.

1:15 AM
I so want one of these George Washington enthusiasts to fall in the water.

1:18 AM
Aiello still in the lead. They get the next clue. Teams must now go to Philadelphia and find a park where they'll camp overnight. So basically teams will have driven from New York to Philly. Gotta love Family Edition...

1:23 AM
Uh oh. The Gaghan family's struggling on the river. Where's Carissa's seven-minute-mile now??

1:27 AM
Wait a second. How did the Linz and Godlewskis fall so far behind? I knew there'd be trouble when they were acting so cocky before. As long as the Paolo's don't get eliminated, I'll be happy. Of course, none of this really matters since the overnight in the park will be a giant equalizer. I'll just enjoy the ride.

1:29 AM
Uh oh. The Black family is going downstream. For the record, it's been 90 minutes, and I'm less than halfway through the show. Fantastic.

1:33 AM
The Black family hands over their flag. So do the Godlewskis. Where the heck are the Paolos?

1:35 AM
Paolo update: okay, they've finally arrived at the Delaware. Best part of this? They not only have a fat doofus playing their "George Washington", but he's also sort of a jerk. Shut up, JERK WASHINGTON!

1:37 AM
Paolo update: OH NO! Ma dropped the clue!!! This is like an Olive Garden commercial gone wrong!!!

1:40 AM
The Black family does a little cheer: "1-2-3-Black family!" I love puns.

1:42 AM
The Paolos don't go back to get their clue, but they still make it to the park. Mrs. Paolo tells the Eagle Scouts, "Just so you know, both my boys were boy scouts when they were young." And look at how nicely they turned out!

1:43 AM
Next morning, it's raining, and wow, with her hair wet and matted, Carissa looks like the second coming of that little girl from The Ring. If I die in seven days, you'll know why. By the way, I reeeeally hope Carissa's not reading this.

1:45 AM
Okay, time for the next clue. Go a whoppin' 92 miles into Pennsylvania and find a farm. Nothing says adventure like a modest trip on the interstate!

1:46 AM
Great. The Weavers are going all Jesus on us again. But I guess it helps. They arrive at the next clue first. Turns out it's the Detour. Build or Buggy. Either build a miniature water mill or haul a buggy for a mile and a half. Ouch. That's no fun at all. I'm already winded, and I'm just sitting here.

1:53 AM
Um, Jesus? I think you just screwed over your friend Mrs. Weaver. Yeah, the buggy got a little out of the control, and I'm pretty she just got run over. Yes, RUN OVER by a runaway buggy. Okay, now this show's gettin' good. By the way, don't mean to be insensitive, but these Weaver parents really don't seem to be doing so well with the not-getting-hit by vehicles thing.

1:55 AM
Okay, I'm a jerk. These poor girls look positively shaken up. I feel bad. Let's go back to making fun of the defenseless seven-year-old! Yeah!

1:57 AM
Oh that sucks. After all that work, the Weavers' buggy gets jammed, and they have to make the water mill. You know, Jesus was a carpenter, right?

1:59 AM
Paolo update: Momma's got an ant on her arm! But don't worry. She's okay! She's okay!

2:01 AM
Okay, the building isn't actually as hard as it seemed like. What's more difficult is probably sitting in a buggy with the Linz family as they fart up a storm. Next to Mrs. Paolo, these are my favorites.

2:04 AM
For the first time all night, my heart warms to the Gaghins. Watching the parents haul their kids in the buggy, well, even crusty old jerks like me think it's sweet. And speaking of the Gaghins, they just reached the end of the course, and they have to TURN AROUND and go back?? Wow, that really sucks.

2:09 AM
A blessing in disguise? The Weavers are in first place! Thanks Jesus!

2:09 AM
Okay, time for the Pitstop: the Rohrer Family Farm. It's go time!

2:11 AM
You know, I love the Paolos, but I'm starting to think they're all idiots.

2:12 AM
Uh oh. Walter -- I mean, Walder -- says he and his fam are heading in the wrong direction. This is followed by the always foreboding Amazing Race slow-mo reaction. Bad news for Wal-der?

2:14 AM
It's been about five days since the last Survivor episode. I could use a little vomit on my TV. Conveniently, the Linz boy is ready to oblige. We only hear the puke though. And you call this reality TV? Pussies.

2:16 AM
Jesus brings them up, only to take them back down again: The Weavers are lost!

2:17 AM
The Grodlewski sisters are all freakin' out in the car. Must... hit... mute...

2:17 AM
A Grodlewski sampling: "Okay guys. Blue silos are a papular calor." ("popular color", in non-Grodlewski-ese)

2:20 AM
The Gaghins dream of coming in first place on the leg. Carissa says, "I bet that dream will come true." Apparently not, CARISSA! The Grodlewski gals arrive first. You just know Phil's gonna give them some prize. They're gonna blow out my speakers, even with the sound off.

2:23 AM
Yup, they won $20,000. Best be buying me some new speakers with that cash.

2:23 AM
Phil is cracking UP! "I'm just getting to know you, but is this normal? You guys talk over each other all the time?" Wow, did Phil just serve them up some quiet passive aggression? He PA'd them in PA!

2:25 AM
The Weavers enter a fierce battle with the Gaghins. Who will Jesus pick??

2:26 AM
There are many wonderful things about the Gaghin/Weaver footrace. First, it's totally unnecessary. Second, I think it's awesome that the Gaghan parents keep yelling, "Carissa! WHEELS!!!!" Seriously, that little girl is a robot.

2:27 AM
Whoa! Those wheels worked! The Weavers lose their lead to little kids. Thanks a lot, Jesus.

2:29 AM
The Paolo family confirms my suspicions. Their watermill is a disaster, but not as bad as the Schroeder's whose wheel is stuck or wedged or whatever. And remember the Linz family? They're still hauling the buggy. That sucks. But not for us. I love this shit.

2:34 AM
Great. My favorite scenario. After spending the past two hours saying how much I love the Linz, Black, and Paolo families, they're all in the final three. Dammit!

2:35 AM
Check that out. The Paolo's watermill worked! Uh oh. But more drama's on the horizon. Ma's crying! "Really Tony, it's been a lifetime of this, and I'm getting fed up with it. I'm really, you guys are really embarrassing now. And I'm fed up with it!" Don't worry, we like you. And it's not your fault your douchebag sons treat you so badly. Well, actually, I guess it is.

2:38 AM
Things looking bad for the Black family. And what the hell is up with the Linz's? Did they stop at Burger King or something? They're still in their freakin' buggy.

2:39 AM
Rogers family arrives in fourth place, followed by the Schroeders. Uh oh. Walder has been passed by two teams and -- THIS JUST IN! Mama Paolo is having a breakdown! "JJ JUST SHUT UP ONE MINUTE PLEASE? JUST COOL IT!" This woman is the best. She goes from quiet wallflower to jokey mom to frantic mess to irate woman on the verge all in the span of two hours. Now that's good television. Incidentally, the Paolo's arrive #6. And incidentally again, Mr. Paolo just totally tackled Phil. Awesome.

2:44 AM
Okay, things are getting close. Austin, the Black's child, falls over near some water. But dad is there to save the day and tell him "These things happen." He then picks his son up with one hand and pretty much flings him across Amish country. Awww.

2:46 AM
Dammit. The Bransens and Aiellos arrive seventh and eighth, respectively. So it's sealed. Either the Black or Linz family is going home. Oh cruel gods of Amazing Race, why must it be so?

2:49 AM
The Linz family decides to go the opposite way of the Black family. I don't know who'll arrive first, but had the Linz's stayed on the Black's butts, they would have been able to out-run them to the finish line. Oh, but it doesn't matter. The Linz family arrives first. Does this mean we have to see those two kids cry?

2:53 AM
The answer to that last question: YES. See, now this is all wrong. These poor kids are going to be heartbroken. Yeah, I know the parents will be too, but they're adults. They know what it's like to have their dreams crushed.

2:55 AM
Seriously, this is crazy sad. Dad just said, "You know, sometimes you win, and sometimes you don't, but as long as you give your best effort, you know, you can feel like I'm feeling right now. I'm very proud of my family. Nobody quit. I'm sad, but I'm not disappointed, and I can never be disappointed in my family." Must... grab... tissues...

So all in all a decent episode. Not great. The family angle does have some benefits, but overall, the show lacks that seat-of-your-pants, global adventure element that's made other seasons so great. Who knows where these teams will wind up, but I've got a feeling the bulk of the summer's gonna take place here in the U.S. of A.. Nevertheless, while this season might not be as dynamic as others, the one thing this premiere showed us is that we'll still be able to enjoy certain tried and true elements of the show. It'll be a sufficient place-filler until season nine comes around.

What did you think about the family style?

Posted by at 3:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (123)

Since last week's episode generated such conflicting emotions in all of us, I was very much hoping that this week would more clearly help us determine who is the more contemptible slag: Omarosa or Janice. The other five Surreal Life houseguests are merely bit players in the whole Omarosa vs. Janice bitchfest. Think about that - Jose Canseco more or less spawned a special congressional hearing (no matter how pithy) a few months ago to "investigate" steroid use and abuse in Major League Baseball. And he's been relegated to barely a bit part on the show. If anything, Carey Hart now knows that no matter how bitchy his girl Pink gets at home, there are women in this world who are much, MUCH worse. But who was worse this episode? Hell, I'll throw Eva Braun and Aileen Wuornos into the mix to give them some evil, whoring competition.

The episode opened with the gang waking up the morning after the previous day's emotional shitstorm - you know, the knife incident, the incest/rape/pedophilia stuff, the weird non-stop crying jags, the name-calling, Pepa using up all of Omarosa's weave glue... Everyone pretty much exhaled deeply and just wanted to move past the previous day's ugliness. Even Omarosa said, "I don't even want to talk about it." Call me a wee bit cynical, but I found that impossible to believe. Stick a camera in her horseface, and this bitch will talk about anything. I wish she'd talk more about her "I got stabbed seven times" claim, but something tells me we won't be hearing anymore about that. Not on E! True Hollywood Story, not on Bravo's Celebrity Poker Showdown, not on NBC's Celebrity Fear Factor, not on Bravo's Battle of the Network Reality Stars, not on Bravo's All-Star Reality Reunion... How the hell does this horrible woman continue to appear on my TV screen? If ever there was a more compelling argument for me to start watching the History and Discovery channels more, this may be it.

Omarosa grabbed the "Surreal Times" newspaper and announced the day's activity: Golfing. Weak - but since we knew it was just a ruse to get the Surreal Seven out of the house so they could set up the "Dirty Laundry" set, I forgave the show. So they all got dressed and happily got ready to go golfing. Wait, did I say 'they all'? Proving himself to be one of the stranger people on the planet, Balki stuck his thumb in his mouth, curled into a fetal position, and nestled himself in bed under a bunch of blankets. Huh? You just KNOW this dude has some even MORE shocking personal revelations than even Janice. While I'm no psychiatrist, I've attempted to piece together the childhood of Balki, based on his Surreal Life behavior:

He was born and burdened with the name "Bronson."
He never once displayed a single character trait shown by Charles Bronson.
He got the crap beat out of him by neighborhood kids as a result.
He got the crap beat out of him by his father as a result of that.
His father made him "do stuff" to his sister to prove his manhood.
He was forced to play golf, and he sucked.
He was forced to accept golf clubs rectally (working himself up to a 5 wood).
Hearing Janice's incest stories coupled with having to play golf caused complete mental breakdown.

Anyone want to argue with that? Didn't think so. After he crawled back into bed shouting "No" over and over and rocking back and forth (At least Janice will have a partner at the funny farm after the show), Janice tried to convince him to go by saying, "I'll be nice to Omarosa if you go. Caprice, please give him oral sex so he'll go." Zing! Actually, not so much of a Zing when you remember that 8 hours prior, Janice had just bared her black soul about how her father forced her to do that very act in exchange for her to alter her behavior in some way. So, y'know, that's not really funny, Janice. In fact, I feel imaginary scabies now crawling under my skin. Ugh, this show is that disturbing.

Caprice tried to nicely explain to Balki that he should probably join the gang, as it was a lovely day outside and Christ, they were just going to play a little golf. No dice... he just continued to turtle up beneath the covers and cry out. It was all very Exorcist-ish, except Linda Blair had nicer hair. And in this version, Satan was a tall skinny black Apprentice failure. Fed up with his creepy immaturity, Caprice finally yelled at him, "Get up now! Get up now, no more of this childish bullshit!" Balki only coughed and fought her efforts to remove the sheet. "You are a grown man now get up and stop being two years old!" My god, what was I watching? After some more coughing and infantilism (I'll bet that's a fetish Balki is totally into), Caprice finally got him to abandon his tantrum and join the gang in the van. Sigh.

I suppose I should have been happy that the show found some non-Omarosa/Janice footage for this week, as I was pretty sick of them. Unfortunately, this lasted all of 3 minutes as once they reached the golf course, Janice was up to her old tricks. While the club's pro was explaining the finer points of club selection, Janice blurted out, "Where's my cart?!" The club pro, appearing to be more than a little scared, simply pointed the way and off Janice went. Not a minute later, Janice came barreling through the group, nearly hitting the poor golf pro lady. Then she crashed into Balki's cart. Then she grabbed her desiccated crotch. Then she bent over like a bitch in heat, exposing her used-up nether regions. Yes, a mere week after garnering some sympathy from your intrepid recapper, Janice flushed it all down the toilet by acting like the attention-whoring, crack-smoking, vodka-slamming, insane skank we've all come to know though this show. As Omarosa said last week, "I feel bad for her children."

Carey Hart (yup, he's still here) politely noted, "Janice is going a million miles a minute!" Translation: "Janice snorted some extra blow this morning!" Jose Canseco sighed, "We're golfing and Janice is losing her mind again." For the record, Ms. World's First Supermodel, I hate you for making me agree with Omarosa. You ARE a menace. You ARE disgusting. You ARE a disease. Meanwhile, Janice just sped around the course and threw her golf ball onto the green pretending that she'd hit the ball there. Something everyone who has ever played golf has done, right? Well, further proving her increasing detachment from reality, Janice quipped, "I was driving ahead of everyone throwing my ball onto the green and pretended I hit it there. I found it hilarious - my jokes are really funny!" Later, after shouting "Par this" for no particular reason, she again lamented, "There's no humor in this cast whatsoever." Thanks Janice, it's people like you who kept Becker on the air for so many years. But what do I know? I just write for the funniest fricking blog in the world.

Oh, and creepy pervert Balki ended up enjoying his day with Caprice, simply driving around the course on the golf cart. He even compared his experience to a day at Disneyland. Why do I think that if Balki had the money, he'd have his very own Neverland Ranch? And that his Perfect Strangers character hit pretty close to home - except instead of "sheep herding" he was more familiar with "sheep fornicating." And... you know what, he just needs help. He doesn't need me piling on anymore. And it's gotta be killing him that Mark-Linn Baker is back on a sitcom and he's not.

Back at the house, the Lifers realized something was afoot. Yay! It was time for the now-traditional season-ending "Dirty Laundry" episode with Sally Jesse Rafael. Great, just the giant red headed needle this group needed to get further under their skins. Strangely, Caprice of all people was the most nervous - so Balki leapt to her aid by giving her yet another massage. No word on whether he begged her (again) to give her his patented "abdominal massage." But I can confirm that he did accidentally-intentionally brush his elbow against her breast and got a full-on boner as a result. That move ruled in 7th grade. Shout out to all you girls who - unknowingly - let my elbow touch your developing boobies... and thank you.

Omarosa, however, applied her clown makeup, put on her whoring "omarosa dot com" tank top, and affected her faux toughgirl persona. "Let's do this thing. They don't call me the top reality show villain for nothing." Let me take a moment to state my piece on this. Yes, the woman is a shameless and deluded self-promoter. Bully for her. But she is not a "villain" in any sense. She's just a useless, toothy, ugly, lying, conniving, spoiled, straight-up bitch. Richard Hatch was a villain. Rob and Amber are villains. Evil Dr. Will was a villain. Vampire Don was a villain. (Not really, but I haven't mentioned Vampire Don for a while, so I thought I would here.) Omarosa just sucks, through and through. She is not clever or witty or interesting in any way. This is my plea to casting directors: DO NOT CAST THIS WENCH IN ANYTHING EVER AGAIN. She's not "fun to hate," but rather, "We just hate her and want her to go far, far away." Sally Jesse introduced her as, "The bitch of reality show bitches," at which the witch simply smiled. Seriously, what is wrong with her? Or perhaps an easier question would be, "What's right with her?" Um, she's in pretty good shape? End of rant.

The theme of this year's "Dirty Laundry" was that Sally Jesse was going to determine who's been real and who hasn't. Because, you know, Sally Jesse has special powers, apparently. Jose was up first and even though his musculature is completely synthetic and fake, Sally determined that he was indeed real. They tried to embarrass him by showing his cross dressing episodes but no one cared about that.

Next was Balki. Of course this dude is real - no one could fake being as creepy as he is. They showed a very long montage of all his perverse, predatory moments from the show. Man, the editors have been hiding some good stuff all along! This dude is truly a disturbed, sexually deviant person. He makes R. Crumb look like Pope John Paul II. Sally asked him, "At your age, shouldn't you know where 'the line' is?" At that, Balki slid his smelly fingers through his greasy combover and revealed a massive pit-stain to the unsuspecting viewing world. Simply nasty - then again, would you have expected anything different? "Yes, I should," was his sheepish reply. Before he could get too angry about the montage (though I'd have liked to have heard him out), Janice rose to his defense and called him "the sensitive groper." At that, it was like a light bulb flashed above Balki's sweaty head: "Ah! The Sensitive Groper! Finally, the pitch I need to get another crack at a network sitcom! F you Mark Linn-Baker and your stupid "Twins" show! I'll even get a cool skin-tight unitard with 'SG' in a neat-o font on my chest! With holes cut out for my pert, hairy nipples!" Seriously, I could tell he was thinking exactly that.

Sally determined Balki to be real as well. Sally knows all.

Ah, dear Janice was put to the Sally Jesse test next, but not before we got to enjoy her very own greatest hits montage. There she was, mouthing off over there, flashing her cooch over here, falling down drunk there, attacking retarded kids down there... On and on. It pretty much summed her up: a drug-addled mentally ill disgusting plastic trainwreck. What say you, Janice? "I'm a mess. I admit it. I need to do some work but I'm trying." Awwww, she has a conscience after all, no matter how flawed, infinitesimal, and undeveloped. I was expecting her to jump up off her chair, flip it upside down, and then ride one of the legs like a rodeo cowboy, but she held it together this time. Sally? Sally declared her screwed up, but nevertheless real. All hail Sally.

The show ended with what I can only think the editors thought was a good tease: Sally saying to Omarosa, "You are the biggest bitch on TV," and Omarosa replying, "That's correct" with her Mr. Ed smile. But, we'll have to wait until next week to see how that all turns out. My hope? That Sally says in reply, "You've gotten enough airtime already, so I'm going to completely ignore you and explore just what Pepa and Carey Hart are up to in their respective lives."

We could only be so lucky.

PS. Sally deemed Vampire Don "totally real." Like we needed her to tell us that.

Posted by at 11:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (36)

Like OMG! Did you even see that fight between Casey and Alex? And what about Kristin visiting Stephen? Talan's gonna be totally jealous! Yes, it was another scandalous episode of Laguna Beach last night as Casey spread a mysterious hygiene-related rumor about Alex all around school. Dumb move, bitch. Looks like you'll be eating your quesadillas alone...

As for Kristin, she visited her man Stephen up in San Fran, and when not being terrorized by errant seagulls, she spent her trip staring off into the distance, muttering "Yeah" and "I know" to her ex's incessant babbling. It was so romantic.

Last night's episode began with the always entertaining "Previously on Laguna Beach." We relived last week's wonderful Cabo catfight between Alex and Jessica, but wait! There's more. "The drama wasn't over for Alex," said Kristin. "She was about to find out that her good friend Casey had started a nasty rumor about her." YES! That's just the sort of news I want to hear at the top of Laguna Beach. Let the brawl begin! (Because we know that Alex is quite the bruiser.)

Well, it didn't take long for the claws to come out. In the very next sentence, Kristin noted, "I knew that girl was bad news. She's a little slut." Buckle up, people. It's gonna be a stormy night in the 'Guna!

Sadly, we also had boring story lines to deal with, mainly Kristin's pseudo-love triangle with Stephen and Talan. "I was starting to get the sense that Talan wanted more from me," said Kristin. Really? What gave you that impression? The fact that he spent the entire Cabo trip trying to make out with you? Saying he loved you? So observant, Kristin. So observant.

Ah, but Talan's smooth moves in Mexico looked like they'd be thwarted because Stephen had invited his former lass up to San Francisco. This therefore prompted the typical Kristin/Roz powwow at the top of the show, but unlike past episodes, this meeting took place out in nature. Hmmm... I don't know how I feel about this. It's sort of disorienting to not have Roz sitting on a bed, leafing through a magazine.

Nevertheless, the two gal pals gabbed about Talan, with Kristin saying that he liked her too much. "What do you do? I mean, seriously?" asked Roz. She then added, "Seriously, I've never had a boy like me." Kristin brushed off the whole thing, saying she just acts like a bitch, and then suddenly we were whisked away to the opening credits. When the show returned, we heard those lofty notes of Coldplay twinkling over the Laguna coast. Gwyneth Paltrow LOVES Laguna Beach now!

We then went down to the beach where Alex and Taylor were hanging out with a Master-less Cedric. What the? How is this possible? He's the sidekick. He can't stray from his Master Jason! Something is afoot. Maybe Jessica has tied Jason to a bed in her basement, Kathy Bates style. Anyway, the big topic of conversation was Casey and this rumor she had apparently started. We didn't get the details, unfortunately, but Alex said with an embarrassed look that it had to do with a bad hygiene problem. Her face had that guilty look, and it was clear she was covering something up. Normally, I'd just surmise that it had to do with underarm odor or halitosis, but with Alex suddenly getting so shifty, I'll just have to assume something's up with her vagina. That's just the way it goes.

Nevertheless, Alex M. sneered at these hygienic accusations and said she would never be friends with Casey ever again. Of course, if she were smart, she'd actually talk to Casey and find out her side of the story, but that would require "logic" and "thoughtfulness."

Elsewhere in Laguna, we found Roz sitting on Kristin's bed and babbling about San Fran. Ah, that's the Roz we know and love: semi-bored, quarantined to a bed, and asking expository questions. "Is there any chance that you'll actually sleep in his dorm?" asked Roz. Wait, Kristin wasn't planning on sleeping in Stephen's dorm? What sort of lame college trip was this going to be? She's supposed to go to a frat and get shitfaced. Does this mean she'll be having a dainty time in a hotel? POOR.

Well, conveniently enough, Stephen just happened to call during this scene, thus prompting an old fashioned discussion of Bay Area weather. Stephen commented: "At night, it gets really cold." To which Kristin replied sardonically, "Oh great..." She HATES climates!

Hey, remember LC? Well, she magically reappeared this episode as she and Casey (whose ass has become quite saggy, I might add) met up for some cawffee tawk. Sadly, Imelda's quesadillas were not present. As if I wasn't distracted enough by this odd pairing, Casey then said to LC, "Well, I'm glad you're home!" Uh, hasn't LC been home for about four months now? The good news for those of us fretting about LC's floundering academic career was that she's been taking classes at UC Irvine and she has an internship at a place called Three Dots. Buuuuttt basically she still has no life. She did impart some sage advice though: it's always better to be on Alex M.'s good side. Why's that? Does she have a bad side? (Flashback to last week: "You are f*cking such a little ho!") Yeah, I guess she does.

We then received a lovely treat by seeing another Kristin/Roz scene, but this time at Roz's house! Yay! I love when we venture into the sidekick's world. Plus, we got to see her dog Billy. A cute little dog that I'd have no trouble kicking if it ever barked. The big discussion this evening (and yes, Roz was on her bed. But so was Kristin) was Talan. The former Mr. Lohan was cooking dinner for Kristin, and she was fairly freaked out by it. Surely it wouldn't be anything fancy, right?

Uh, not so much. Talan went all out for dinner. He made shrimp cocktail, tossed a salad, grilled some chicken, served up some corn, and oh look, is that beer in a wine glass? Maybe it's just sparkling cider... Either way, Kristin labeled the entire meal "intense," which is usually the word I use to describe shrimp cocktail also. To be fair, it was a pretty impressive spread, and I became instantly hungry and then jealous. I mean, this Kristin girl always gets the best meals: sushi, shrimp cocktail, lobster. Next week we're gonna see her dining on black truffles and beluga caviar.

Unfortunately for Talan, he could sense that something was up with his fine lady. He asked if she was thinking about Stephen, but she adamantly denied it. "I'm so done with Stephen. It's not even funny," she said, adding, "I just happen to be visiting him this weekend. You know, as a testament to my doneness. Dunzo, if you will."

Well, the next day, it was time to head out to the airport, and luckily Roz, ever the loyal sidekick, was able to provide ample car service in her raggedy Volkswagon convertible. Typical sidekick car. We then watched a plane fly off in the sky and suddenly images of the Golden Gate Bridge flooded our TV. And in case we were total morons, a "San Francisco" title appeared on the screen. Oh really? This is San Francisco? I thought this was the famed Golden Gate Bridge of Memphis. Thanks MTV!

Anyway, Kristin was greeted by Stephen and his new silent sidekick Ryan. I'm really glad we learned this new guy's name. I mean, even though he didn't say a word and even though we never saw him the rest of the episode, it's important that we get to know everyone who appears on screen. Nevertheless, after some hugs and banal commentary about Stephen's pickup truck, it was time to hit the town. Cue the San Fran montage! Yay Chinatown! Yay cable cars! Yay Fisherman's Wharf! It was like I was reliving Full House all over again.

The best part of this entire adventure, however, was a random moment when a seagull landed directly next to Kristin, startling the bejeezus out of her. For some reason, I thought this was the funniest thing ever and laughed out loud for a good thirty seconds. Can't really explain why. I think maybe I'm lacking sleep.

Meanwhile, down on the beaches of Laguna, more trouble was afoot. Alex, looking like a teenybopper version of Buddha, sunned on the beach with her loyal buddies Taylor and Morgan S., but their afternoon of skin cancer would soon be interrupted. Casey called up and said she wanted to talk. "Casey has some balls to walk down here," said Alex. Yeah, who does she think she is, trying to apologize and mend things and save a friendship. Bitch.

Well, Casey eventually arrived all bubbly and fake, and the two girls walked off to a private area to have their cat fight. It wasn't as explosive as Cabo, but it still was worth the price of admission. According to the editing, Casey started off saying that the whole rumor thing wasn't really a big deal. Yeah, um, bad tactic. How about you apologize instead? Actually, to her credit, Casey did admit she was totally wrong, and I actually believed she was being sincere. But Alex was not having it: "I've heard a lot of stuff about you, but really I've never repeated it to anyone." That's the spirit, Alex! Tit for tat!

Casey then made an urgent and amusing plea, "Forgive!!!! Don't forget but FORGIVE!!!!" but again Alex shot it down. This caused Casey to say something about "You must be a really evil person then," to which Alex pulled a watchu talkin' 'bout Willis and balked at the "evil" accusation. Blah blah blah, more yelling, and finally Casey asked, "Why can't you be a big person and get over it?" Yeah, why can't you get over the malicious rumor I spread about you? Why can't you be the bigger person? Actually, uh, I think we've already established that Alex is something of a "big" person, if you catch my drift.

Ultimately, when the dust settled, Alex said she didn't want to be friends with Casey anymore, and as the beauty queen left the beach, Taylor and Morgan clamored for details. "She called me an evil person," Alex said, providing no context whatsoever. Funny how Alex omitted the part where Casey tried to apologize and admit she was wrong and begged for forgiveness. Memo to teenage girls who read this: if you want to curb the drama in your life, stop relying on gossip.

Back in the boring storyline, Kristin and Stephen sat up high on some ridge and watched random fireworks exploding over the bay. Stephen seemed entranced, but as usual, Kristin just looked bored. She, like us, wanted to know why the hell there were so many fireworks going off, and Stephen explained there was some concert, but you just know the producers were down there setting off the pyrotechnics themselves. Anyway, the two huddled under a blanket, and Stephen talked and talked and talked, and when he was done babbling about who knows what, he stared at Kristin with this look like "So, wanna make out?" Sadly for him, he was met with reticent glances and a set of blue balls as his ex pulled away. Later, Stephen dropped Kristin off at her hotel, and the mood had become considerably more tense. I mean, he asked for his sweatshirt back. THE NERVE! And then he handed her his garbage and asked her to throw it out for him. It was like watching Brad and Jen split all over again.

The next day, the two seemed to be better as they sat on a bench by the ocean. Once again, Stephen droned on and on about how weird it is to just be friends. Kristin, clearly enthralled by the conversation, simply stared off with squinting eyes, inserting an obligatory "yeah" whenever necessary. These two have beautiful chemistry. Of course, I could have been misreading the situation. Maybe Kristin was just on guard for any sudden seagull attacks from on high.

In one of the more random transitions this season, we then saw Jessica and her bouncing cleavage galloping out of the Laguna surf. It was like Bo Derrick in 10 meets annoying. Anyway, Jess thankfully did not mention Jason this scene. Instead, she joined the Master-less Roz on the beach, and uh oh. Here comes Talan. Jessica's clearly going to spill the beans about Kristin's San Fran trip. Surprisingly, it was Roz who blabbed. Wow, bold move from the sidekick. Talan, of course, was all upset as he feared Kristin was going to hook up with Stephen, but the girls insisted that it was just a trip for closure, whatever that meant. "Talan, you know she's my best friend," said Roz, adding, "She's my MASTER!"

The show then ended outside Kristin's hotel as Stephen continued to babble about their relationship, but even he was tired by this dialogue, and so he devolved into a steady stream of weird clicks and sound effects that I unfortunately can't convey through prose. Kristin finally said that she was annoyed that he still treated her like his girlfriend, and he said it was all he really knew and I said "Dammit!" as my Tivo cut off the final two seconds of this most scintillating discussion. Oh well.

What did you think about this episode? Does Stephen need to get over Kristin? And whose side do you take -- Alex M. or Casey's?

Posted by at 2:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (262)

Lots of interesting developments on this week's Survivor. Operation Quarterjerk hit a major snag as people began to wonder whether or not Gary really was a quarterback, and Blake's health problems escalated from mere thorn injury to full-blown respiratory failure. Oh, and the hungry members of Yaxha enjoyed a luncheon of ants and grasshoppers. Believe it or not, I've actually eaten ants and grasshoppers, and they're really not that bad. Then again, mine were sautéed in garlic and herbs as opposed to being plucked straight from the dirt of Guatemala, so I guess that can kind of change things. Okay, okay, garlic or no garlic, I'm sure some of you are already puking Survivor-style by now. I'll just get on with the recap.

This week's episode began not with a crab scampering along a beach nor a scorpion burrowing in the dirt. No, the big Nature Star was a night-vision shot of a tarantula creepy-crawling across a leaf. I don't know what it was, but I kind of felt like we just caught the critter about two seconds after it had taken a spider shit. It sort of had this look like "Oh, um, hi. I didn't realize you were there." Nevertheless, while the tarantula tended to its tarantula business, Nakum slogged through the jungle in a bumbling attempt to find their camp. Luckily, they managed to find it (I don't know how these people do so well in the dark) and upon arriving, we immediately got down to a sacred Mayan tradition: barfing everywhere. Yes, Bobby Jon instantly began his internal retching mechanisms, but thankfully, Mark Burnett spared us the sight of vomit cascading in every which direction. Actually, I'm not sure if this was discretion on the part of the producers, or simply the result of these guys having nothing left but air and dust in their digestive systems.

Things were much better over at Yaxha. In fact, I'd be inclined to say they were super, thanks for asking. The next day, impromptu pep-squad member Brianna chirped, "We all have different qualities. We have an amazing tribe." Ah yes. Early season optimism. Always so fun to watch the brittle reality of the game harden their once lively and idealistic hearts.

Nevertheless, Jamie carried the pro-Yaxha torch as well: "We've got the most diverse group." Yes, definitely: light white, tan white, medium white, semi-white. Very diverse indeed. Actually, Lydia seems to be of some ethnic background (CBS.com says she's at least half Puerto Rican), and we can't overlook the cast's sole African-American, Stephenie. Oh wait, she's just got the deepest, darkest tan of all time. I guess that'll happen with back-to-back Survivors.

To be fair, when Jamie mentioned diversity, he was really talking about everyone's backgrounds and how different everyone seemed. For instance, let's not forget Gary, the wacky old landscaper. And by "landscaper," I mean "former NFL star." That's right, the world's most unnecessary ruse was still in full force, and no one could have been prouder than Gary himself. I wish I could tell you what he said about it, but his voice had just the right amount of lazy drawl, deep texture, and quiet soothingness that I found myself instantly lulled to sleep. This guy's more potent than a rag full of chloroform.

Anyway, in case we couldn't tell, Yaxha was just fine and dandy (except for Morgan's face which had unfortunately broken out into as many zits as Danni had abs. And in case you didn't see the show, that's a very high number).

Over at Nakum, we had some problems. Blake, the man famous for suffering a thorn injury like none other, was now struggling to breathe. Yes, turns out braving Survivor was a bit more of a challenge than expected for this once-spry commercial real estate broker/model. And yes, that's his official title. (I'm pretty sure the "commercial real estate broker" only extends to his experience playing SimCity.)

Moments after Blake first informed us of his breathing difficulties, we saw the full extent of his malaise. First he stumbled, then he wallowed. Then he heaved. Then he moaned. Um, did Blake get shot when we weren't looking? Because I'm pretty sure he's dying.

Luckily, it never takes long for an injury backlash to kick in, and Brandon got things going for us by noting, "You just gotta man up." Listen Brandon. Maybe you should spend less time looking creepy and more time looking pretty, and then maybe you can understand Blake's plight. Insensitive bastard.

Well, bad news for Blake. It was time for the reward challenge, and it looked somewhat rigorous. Tribes had to one at a time climb over a ramp, run over a net, grapple across a rope spider web, untie a dangling bag, drop into some water, and run back to the start. Everyone had to go through the course at least once, and the first tribe to grab all its bags would win fishing supplies. Okay, simple enough. The competition got off to a fun if rather average start as both teams seemed relatively neck and neck. The only noteworthy moment came when the camera momentarily glanced at Danni's extensive set of abs. Honestly, her abs have abs.

After a few rounds of these shenanigans, it was finally time for Blake to step up. But how would he perform? He can hardly breathe, right? Funny, he was not only fine, he was a small monster in the challenge. That's odd. Did this mean his breathing problem was purely psychological? NO! I don't believe it!

While Blake may have been having a resurgence of energy, one person on the opposite end of the spectrum was the so-weak-he-falls-over-when-you-blow-at-your-TV Rafe. The soft-spoken wilderness guide hardly made it past a few ropes of the spider web before he fell unsuccessfully into the water below, and that's when the real fun began. The dude couldn't even climb up the ladder to get back to his team. Watching him struggle filled me with a delicate mixture of pity and haughtiness. Apparently there are no ladders in the wilderness. He could only pull himself up one or two rungs before his body spastically contorted in one way or another, causing him to fall back once again into the water. It was kind of like watching a little boy trying to climb a ladder in a tornado, except less skillful.

Meanwhile, on Nakum, Lydia and her sneakers of fury zipped through the course, and I decided that she was now my favorite Survivor, if only because she looks like every high school foreign language teacher rolled into one. Plus, I really liked how her team cheered her on by yelling "C'mon FISHMONGER!" Nevertheless, as the competition neared an end, the two teams remained neck and neck, despite the ladder's anti-Rafe agenda. In the end, it came down to Brian vs. Blake. Surely Brian would win. After all, Blake had a well-documented upper-respiratory problem that had prevented him from doing such simple tasks as walking, sitting up, and helping out around camp. But no! Blake once again proved to be a fierce competitor, and despite his mystery ailment, managed to win the reward for his team. And then ever so conveniently, almost as soon as Probst announced Nakum's victory, Blake bent over and suddenly couldn't breath again. Funny how that happens. As we faded out to commercial, we then saw the winning tribe walk off, with Danni holding their flag in her hands. Kind of surprising. I thought for sure she'd simply wedge the flagpole between her abs and let her stomach do the rest. I guarantee her abs are stronger than a snapping turtle's jaw.

The next morning, Nakum got up at the "butt-crack of dawn," as Brandon said, and attempted to do a little fishing. Amazingly, they did pretty well, catching several delights from the depths of the Guatemalan waters. As for BlakeWatch '05, turns out the ailing model was doing much better and able to participate in the morning's fishing excursion. Well, good for you, Blake! Looks like you'll be in tip-top shape now...

Meanwhile, faring not so hot in the food department was Yaxha, who had grown tired of their steady corn diet. Luckily, wilderness guide Rafe put nightmares of ladder climbing into the past and set his eyes on finding nutrition for his tribe. He poked around the jungle a bit, and unfortunately, his wilderness training didn't seem to go beyond, "Uh, this looks okay to eat." By that definition, I'm like a wilderness superstar. To his credit, Rafe did catch a rather large grasshopper in his fingers and volunteered to eat it. This brought commentary from Amy who said, "That's a huge grasshoppah!" Gotta love the Massachusetts accent. Never underrepresented on reality TV.

Elsewhere in the camp, we got our first inklings of the traditional Survivor laziness. Morgan became the first official castaway this season to earn the dubious moniker of "the lazy one." This of course led to the obligatory grumblings around camp, but hey, give her a break. She's clearly going through Proactiv Solution System withdrawal.

Lydia, meanwhile, got to work procuring more non-insect protein for the camp. She dug a little inlet to trap some minnows, and I tell you, she didn't just catch fish. She caught my heart. Rafe and Gary, meanwhile, moved on from grasshoppers to ants as they took an entire nest and dropped it in a bucket of sorts. Just an idea, guys: cook your bugs before you eat them. They taste much better. And in case you're interested in partaking of your own insect meal, I recommend Typhoon Restaurant in Santa Monica. Look, I'll do anything to get inside the mind of a true Survivor. I'm like a Method blogger.

Oh, and for the record, homegirl Lydia caught ten minnows with her inlet. Not too shabby, Madame Fishmonger.

News alert! News alert! We now return to BlakeWatch '05. Back at Nakum, our boy Blake was panting once again. Looks like his early morning breathing was only a temporary return to proper health. As Margaret doted on this dubiously ailing castaway, Judd looked on with angry contempt. "Damn, how much more relaxing does this dude need?" he asked. Did I mention that I'm starting to like Judd? Anyway, he then went on to say, "I wanna be the hero next challenge of immunity. You know, I'm gonna be the hero!" Well, if the challenge has anything to do with wallowing in mud, then it's all you, my man.

Meanwhile, Operation Quarterjerk (that's the uncreative name I've given to Gary's attempt to hide his identity) hit a major snag as Ab-Lounge expert Danni revealed that she actually recognized him. After all, when not doing sit-ups and crunches, she actually works in sports radio. But don't think she was intimidated. Quarterbacks aren't very athletic, she was sure to mention. Ouch. Status of Operation Quarterjerk: DANGER DANGER!

Okay, well, remember how I made that joke about the immunity challenge having to do with mud? Well, turns out that's exactly what it involved. Tug-o-war over a giant bed of mud. To be fair, this was the most convoluted tug-o-war game of all time. First, both tribes would be tethered to ropes. The first tribe to reach a flag on their side of the mud pit would win immunity. At any time, someone could run to the other side and try to dislodge an opponent. Oh, and if after fifteen minutes there was no progress, the game would advance to one on one rounds. (I think they added that part in later after they realized the group tug of war yielded nothing.)

Anyway, Jeff, who should have a sponsorship with some deodorant company, raised his hands above his head and did his "Survivors Ready? GO!" thing. The two tribes immediately dug into the mud, and it didn't take long for Bobby Jon to make the sort of completely deranged face we've come to expect from him. Brian made an attempt to wrestle Danni, but it was fruitless, and as the round dwindled to a close, all we were left with were many, many blurred-out butts.

So now it was time to go one on one. Basically, the first tribe to get three victories would win. Sounds good. Let's get this thing started. First up was Judd vs. Gary. If we know one thing about Judd, he loves his mud. Therefore, it was no surprise to see him dominate this challenge early on. As he slowly tugged Gary, Danni yelled out a curious thing: "He's a quarterback. You're like a linebacker. C'mon!" Operation Quarterjerk: ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!

As he lost more and more of the lead, Gary then decided to do a wonderfully illogical thing: he ran over to Judd's side and tried to tackle him. Would have made sense if only it didn't completely allow Judd all the more power to advance towards his flag. Plus, the rules of the game were that at the end of the round, whoever was closer to his or her flag would win it. So while Judd never actually touched his flag, by the time the clock ran out, he won it because he was obviously was closer than Gary, who was on the exact opposite of the mud pit as his flag. You see, the tackling strategy is good if you've got the whole group behind you tugging. But when it's one on one, it literally makes no sense. Did Gary think he could tackle Judd back over to his side? This guy is an embarrassment to the NFL.

Next up was Brandon vs. Jamie, and once again, we saw the same dumb strategy, as Jamie tried to tackle Brandon. Surprise, surprise, with no slack on the rope, Brandon was able to easily grab his flag, putting Nakum at a 2-0 advantage over Yaxha. In the end, it came down to Jamie vs. Judd, and while no one was enough of a moron to do the tackling strategy again, Judd was able to make a huge surge at the end, securing victory and immunity for his team. Looks like someone was the hero after all!

Well, it was time to scheme over at Yaxha, and Stephenie nervously told us, "You always have to be on your toes. You always have to be watching." We then cut to a monkey watching. Yes, THE MONKEYS KNOW ALL!!! Turns out Steph's paranoia was warranted as Jamie suggested she be voted off first. Yes, this was a dumb move, but after his performance in the tug-o-war, we haven't come to expect much from Jamie. Honestly, I've known bowls of Jell-O that have more smarts than him.

Then suddenly in the midst of the scheming, Brian suddenly asked, "Gary, were you a former NFL quarterback?" MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY!!!

Gary replied with a simple "Me? No." Well deflected! He then said it was all pretty funny, got up, scratched his ass, and walked off. Operation Quarterjerk: WE'RE GOING DOWN! I REPEAT, WE'RE GOING DOWN!!!

Later, the spotlight fell off of Stephenie and onto Morgan and Lydia. A bunch of the tribe members, including Gary, all pondered which of the two women should be voted off. Morgan was good at challenges, but Lydia was a workhorse at the camp. Um, how about Rafe? The guy couldn't climb a ladder! Alas, his name amazingly was not even mentioned, and I feared that the momentum was going against Lydia.

Luckily, Brian was a big Lydia fan, and he quietly alerted her that she better start campaigning. And that's exactly what she did, but we all know Mark Burnett misdirection. Lydia was surely a goner. Rafe meanwhile told us that he just wanted the tribe vote to be unified so as not to disrupt camp life. Shut up, Rafe. You're on Survivor, not a tour of the Magic Kingdom.

Well, it was finally time for Tribal Council, and overall, the proceedings were a bit dull. Jamie drawled on and on, and I realized that I'd love to see him and Bobby Jon have a conversation. It would take two hours for them just to get past opening salutations. Nevertheless, Jamie had a very salient point about Stephenie: "She's not like a girl. She's more like a boy." He then added, "Purple is a real purdy color."

Anyway, this sleepy edition of Tribal Council pretty much went along without incident, and soon it was voting time. "Believe it or not Lydia, this is gonna be one of the hardest decisions that I make while I'm out here," said Morgan as she voted for Lydia. Incidentally, it was also one of the last decisions Morgan made because she was voted out of the tribe with a 5 to 1 vote. Wow. I really thought Lydia was a goner. And poor Rafe looked like he'd just seen a butterfly die. As Jeff snuffed out Morgan's torch, we then cut to Lydia who had transformed from cuddly fishmonger to eeeevil bitch. Yes, she had an expression that seemed to say, "I plan to poison you all in your sleep tonight." Was this a sign of things to come? Will Lydia be the dangerous player everyone should have gotten rid of in week two? I hope so. I want to see the Revenge of Lydia!

As the hour came to a close, we saw my favorite new feature, the Febreeze family moment. "I've got a spa appointment waiting for you!" said Morgan's mom. Uh, how about hitting up the dermatologist first...

What did you think about this week's episode? Did Yaxha vote off the right person?

Posted by at 12:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (47)

Tonight's RAW recap is brought to you by the letters "S, A, O and F", as in "Sam Adams OctoberFest." Yummy down on this indeed...

Tonight marked the end of RAW's five-year run on Lifetime for Men, otherwise known as Spike TV. And what a long, strange five years it's been. I just hope that the show's return to the USA Network means a return to the RAW of old. Because tonight's episode would've been more at home on my local cable access channel.

Vince McMahon opens the show by promising a championship match, but first he has a few announcements to make. He starts by thanking Spike TV for five great years. And how does Spike repay him? But bleeping out ten seconds of his speech, then continuing to censor the show throughout the rest of the broadcast. Jebus, who's running Spike's dump button? Pig Vomit? I kept expecting JR to starting enunciating "W-ENNNN-B-C." Audio dropouts, "Technical Difficulties" screens, you name it, if there were a way for Spike to ruin the broadcast, they tried it. Unfortunately, if they really wanted to ruin it, all they needed to do was let the show run uninterrupted. Yes, it was that bad.

Kurt Angle interrupts Vince to complain about not being in the championship match at next week's Homecoming event on USA. Angle says since he beat Cena at Unforgiven, he deserves the title shot. Vince says Angle makes a good point, and seems ready to grant Angle the match, when he's interrupted by HBK. "Hold on a second, Moneybags," HBK says. And it's all downhill from there. Eventually, after a bit of verbal sparring with Angle ("I beat you first!" "I beat you worse!"), Vince makes a 30-minute Iron Man match for next week's Homecoming special on USA. The person who scores the most pinfalls in 30 minutes wins the match and whatever's behind Curtain #3.

Both men satisfied, Vince introduces the championship match he'd alluded to earlier: Trish Stratus versus Victoria.

(1) Trish Stratus defeats Victoria via DQ to retain Women's Championship I was pleasantly surprised by the quality of this match. Probably because it's been so long since RAW has featured two women in a match who actually know how to fake-wrestle. Of course, they had to ruin it right afterward by having Torrie, Candice and Ashley get involved. Eventually, Ashley and Trish rip off Candice's dress, stripping her down to her bra and panties. For some reason, this totally sets Candice off. "Have you ever been humiliated on national TV, Ashley?" asks the former Playboy model, as if she doesn't strip down to her bra and panties every other week of her own volition. "Well, you're going to be, cuz next week on RAW's Homecoming special we're going to have a Bra and Panties match." That'll be on the USA Network, in case you were wondering.

(2) Big Show defeats Snitsky in a Street Fight A Street Fight is the same as a Hardcore Match, except it's Old School. By which I mean it doesn't have the words "Hard" or "Core" involved. Basically, anything goes, and the wrestlers are allowed to bring weapons into the ring. This usually involves trash cans, trash can lids, street signs and an assortment of other metal items that bend and go bang. If nothing else, these matches are fun to watch, as outside of Bum Fights it's not often you get to watch someone smash a stop sign over someone else's head. Tonight, however, was something special. Snitsky hit Big Show with everything but the proverbial kitchen sink, and still couldn't put the giant down. So Big Show reaches under the ring and pulls out - what else? A kitchen sink. One shot to Snitsky's head and the match is over.

After the break, Ric Flair comes out to talk about the beating he took at the hands of Chris Masters and Carlito last week. "I've been jumped from behind more times than Coach at a taping of Scared Straight," he says. Okay, he didn't really say that about Coach. But he has been jumped a lot. And he's always got even. "Back in the day, I had help from the Four Horsemen. Today, however, it only takes one." At that, Flair walks backstage to grab a bottle of Prell and case of Evian. Ooh, he must be talking about Triple H! Actually, he grabs a sledgehammer, but he's still talking about Triple H, who will be making his return next week at Homecoming on USA.

Eric Bischoff is seen talking to someone on his cell phone when Cena comes in and interrupts. Turns out Cena's been doing a little Internet research on Frosty Top and found out Eric knows martial arts. Maybe next week's match won't be as easy as Cena thought. Wait, Cena knows kung-fu too. Ah-ha! Sadly, reading this is still better than watching it was. I hope Cena's funnier once RAW moves to the USA Network.

(3) Kerwin White defeats Shelton Benjamin via Pinfall Poor Shelton Benjamin. This time last year, he was getting an unbelievable push. Twelve months later and he's reduced to fighting a bleached-blonde Hispanic who claims to represent all of "Middle America" because he golfs. Over the past week, Kerwin White hired a caddie. A stupid caddie, evidently, as Kerwin is still driving the golf cart himself. Dumbass. Shelton shows off his lack of mic skills with some lame "You got a caddy to carry your clubs and wash your balls" smack, and then the match is on. Fortunately, it's not on for long, as the Caddy grabs Shelton's foot, which enables Kerwin to get a cheap pin. Afterward, the two white guys beat down the black guy with a golf club. Celebrate diversity indeed.

Commercial Don't do drugs or you'll lose your sister at the carnival. Lucky for me my sister's 35 and can find her own way home.

Edge and Lita come out to promote next week's Ladder Match between Edge and Matt Hardy on the USA Network's Homecoming special. Lita's wearing a neck brace, which still doesn't prevent her from looking like a slut. Or talking like an idiot, as she offers to "go out on a whim" about the upcoming match. Speaking of idiots, Edge climbs to the top of the ladder and starts talking about how next week he'll become a "career-killer." Other things Edge kills: my enthusiasm for his character. Matt sneaks out and tips Edge off the ladder. As Lita backs up the ramp, Matt mimes climbing the ladder and opening the briefcase. Sadly, it's the best promo he's ever delivered.

Eric Bischoff is interrupted backstage by Teddy Long, general manager of Smackdown! For a change, Teddy doesn't want a match for Rodney Mack; instead, he just wants to holla at playas. Hollahollaholla! Can you feel that? Here's something else Teddy would like Eric to feel: a Smackdown! match at next week's Homecoming special on USA. Of course, Eric says no, only to have Vince come in and overrule him. After Teddy leaves, Eric tries to get out of his match against Cena next week on USA's Homecoming special. Instead of letting him out of the match, Vince channels Martha Stewart, reminding Eric he's one ruthless son-of-a-bitch. "And that's a good thing. That's a very good thing." He then shows Eric how to make proper crème brulee and a toothbrush shiv.

(5) Val Venis and Big Vis defeat Cade and Murdoch via DQ Val's wearing green trunks, while Vis is wearing a green muumuu. Cade is wearing black tights, while Murdoch is dressed as Larry the Cable Guy. It's the Porn Star and the Lover versus the Redneck and the Rapist! (Yes, I know in many states that last combination is redundant.) The highlight of this match is a sign in the crowd: Hide your sheep -- It's Murdoch!

Carlito and Chris Masters are discussing their TexasTornadoTagTeamTablesMatch against John Cena and HBK later that night. Masters keeps asking Carlito to speak English, which only makes Carlito more unintelligible. Turns out he's afraid of getting splinters if he goes through a table. That's not cool. "No problem," Masters assures him. "We just need a 'Master Plan'..." Get it? Cuz his name is "Masters"? Man, I bet Spike is sad to see RAW leaving for the USA Network...

(6) Rob Conway pins Eugene He also ripped off the head of Eugene's stuffed animal before hitting Eugene with the Ego-Trip. Lesson? You do not touch the Con-Way's sunglasses. Also, do not look directly at his glowing orange body, as permanent eye damage, including blindness, can result.

(7) Carlito and Chris Masters defeat John Cena and HBK RAW's final match on Spike TV is the previously mentioned TexasTornadoTagTeamTablesMatch. A Texas Tornado match means all four wrestlers fight at the same time, while the Table aspect means the only way to win is to throw your opponent through a table. During Chris Masters' intro, Coach tells us in a breathy whisper that Chris Masters will be appearing on next week's Homecoming special on USA. HBK enters wearing an outfit made entirely of pleather and aluminum can pop-tops. This match is all over the place, and none of it is good. At one point, HBK superkicks the ref, who falls on the table and...cracks it. That's gotta hurt. A new ref comes in to take his place, which is just silly, since there are no rules or pinfalls in this match and the only way to win is to throw someone through a table. You don't exactly need a ref to verify that. Anyway, HBK is up on the ropes when Kurt Angle bumrushes the ring and tosses him through a table, ending the match and delivering the win to Masters and Carlito. Cena is about to give Angle an FU through a table when Bischoff smacks him in the nuts. Angle then throws Cena through the table, and Spike's final broadcast ends with Bischoff holding the title belt above his head.

So am I crazy, or did tonight's episode just suck balls? And did the constant shout-outs to USA get old? I swear, USA got plugged more often than Jenna Lewis on her "misplaced" honeymoon tape. Seeing as how this is RAW's last night on Spike TV, I really didn't expect much. But I still expected more than this. Of course, RAW's true USA litmus test won't be next week; with Mick Foley in Piper's Pit, we know that's going to be great. Rather, it's going to be the October 10th broadcast. If it's anywhere near as bad as tonight's, I might have to start recapping Monday Night Football.

Posted by at 9:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I could sit here and tell you the reason why I've been so late with this Real World recap (along with Survivor) is because the Big Brother wrap party and a trip down to San Diego really screwed up my writing schedule, but I'd be lying. The simple truth is that I've spent the past five days in an Austin jail, serving a harsh sentence for one of the most unforgivable crimes in Texas: stealing a tulip from a bum. Yes, I admit it. I committed grand floral larceny. I have apologized to Tito for swiping his most lovely flower, and I've even paid the five dollars it would have cost for me to have bought it in the first place, but alas, a crime is still a crime, and so I spent nearly a week in the clink, reexamining my life, joining the Nation of Islam, and becoming so jacked, you wouldn't recognize me.

Okay, so maybe none of that happened, but if there's one thing the last episode of The Real World taught us, it's that no flower robbery goes unpunished in Austin. Punch a guy in the face and break his skull? Eh, whatever. Snatch a rose from a homeless dude? That's on par with a federal crime. Don't mess with Texas. Or its flowers.

This very eventful episode began with the unlikely sight of Rachel talking to an errant Eskimo. Oh wait, it was only Johanna. Sorry, she was wearing one of those furry hoods. Couldn't tell. Anyway, the two were remembering the previous evening's fun activities, which pretty much centered around Johanna shouting into the Austin night, "You're such a loser!!!" followed by assorted bleeps and inaudible grunts. Yes, Joey was drunky, and as usual, ready to start fights. The next day, with a sober, if not cloudy, outlook, she explained to Rachel, "That's me on Vvdka." Also known as "normal."

Luckily, Eskimo Jo had a lofty goal for that night: "I will only drink wine tonight. That will be my goal." Or you could just not drink anything at all. You know, maybe give the ol' liver a rest. Oh what am I saying? That's like telling a cow not to moo.

Back in the mansion Danny was (yawn) fretting about Melinda. Seriously, just gag this guy with some duct tape and let him talk only if there's another major tragedy. Nevertheless, he explained that he knows for a fact that he'll be jealous when Melinda goes out, and furthermore, "I know for a fact that I probably can't find a better girl out there. But..." BUT YOU'RE AN IDIOT. Or rather, an indecisive idiot. Danny told us, "I cannot see Mel as a girlfriend." Which would explain why ten seconds later, we saw Melinda reading a letter that Danny had written saying, "Please understand that I still love you with all my heart. I miss you every second, but it's something I have to do. But just know that I'm dying inside without you. I love you Melinda." Yes, whenever I meet girls that can't even see as my girlfriend, I tend to write them letters professing my deep, undying love. Of course, the big question arising from that letter is why does Danny actually "miss" Melinda? I mean, she's in the next room. Wow, his mom's death has really screwed with his separation anxiety. Cut to Danny writing a letter in a restaurant: "Dear Sue. Even though you just took my drink order, I sincerely love you and miss you every second that you stand over there at the bar, pouring my Diet Coke. I'm dying inside without you. Love, Danny."

Well, because Danny couldn't see Melinda as his girlfriend on account of the fact that he loved her with all his heart, he and Wes went out for a guys's night out, a night that was "a giant leap for all the guys who are bitches out there," said Danny and Wes. Not quite sure how it was such a giant leap, and were they saying they were giant bitches because they were going out, or were they going out on behalf of giant bitches? Either way, it was one of those dumb statements that give bloggers like me instant superiority complexes.

Now just because the guys were having a big night out didn't mean the girls had to stay at home. Oh no. While the boys were at Treasure Island, the girls went too, you guessed it, the Dizzy Rooster! Yay! And accordingly, it was the perfect opportunity for Johanna to talk about her raging alcoholism. "I don't think drinking is the problem," she explained, "It's just how much I drink." Yes, I think that qualifies as "drinking." You see, it's not that she's an alcoholic. It's more like she acts like an alcoholic.

Well, while Johanna downed her self-imposed regimen of wine (because that's never led a woman down an embarrassing, drunken path), Danny was busy securing the digits of some cutie girl at Treasure Island. And by "cutie" I mean she looked like a springer spaniel. Still, to each his own. Unfortunately, Danny's romp with the canine set came to a swift end as -- dunh dunh dunh -- Melinda and the gals showed up. Yeah, that'll happen when you only go to the SAME TWO BARS. Still, couldn't have been that bad. Danny did just write her a touching letter that said "I still love you with all my heart." Well, Danny loved her so much that when she showed up, he said the one thing every girl wants her boyfriend to say: "F*CK!!" Ah, it warmed the very cockles of my heart.

To be fair, Danny totally was justified in his frustration. After all, as we then watched footage of Melinda grinding on other girls with her ample, undulating bosom nearly pouring out of her top, we couldn't help wondering, who would EVER want a girl like that hanging onto them? You know, tall, hot, blonde, undulating breasts, lesbian tendencies, warm personality, supportive friend. FEH!

We now interrupt this scene to take you live onto the streets of Austin where a major crime has just taken place. Yes, Johanna, in a drunken fit, had stolen a rose from a homeless man and run away. Luckily, the fine men and women of the Austin Police Department detained this thief shortly thereafter, and what did she have to say? "I took a rose, and I ran with it." Book 'em, Danno!

Yes, Johanna actually got arrested on charges of public intoxication, and as Wes noted, "Jail is not a fun place to be." He then added, "Unless you're like me and like taking it up the ass. But that's just a personal preference." With one of their roomies now behind bars, back at the house Lacey tried calling up the police to get Jo-Jo out. Unfortunately, she wouldn't be allowed out for several hours. Hmmm... there's got to be a way to get her out. Surely Lacey can break her out with the Power of Pale! Quick! To the Pasty-mobile!

Luckily, Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum (a.k.a. Wes and Danny) were on the case. "Joey's in the slammah!" explained Danny, and moments later, we watched as he and Wes piled into a cab and headed to the jail. Meanwhile, on the ride over, the two guys gave each other props for successfully procuring the numbers of many an ugly girl at the local bars. Danny in particular was happy about hauling in three numbahs. "It's fate, dude," said Wes. "It's fate. That basically just told you that you made the right decision." I'm not really sure how getting those numbers clarified anything, but I can't fight Wes on every dumb, illogical statement he makes. So we might as well go with it.

Anyway, the guys eventually arrived at the jail where they too made no progress, but at least we got to see some guys standing out front, literally wearing those old-fashioned prisoner outfits. You know what I'm talking about - big chain-gang stripes, like the Hamburglar. Actually, that kind of raises an interesting question: was the Hamburglar in a chain gang? Really darkens his whole backstory, huh?

At the house, Lacey decided to call Leo to inform him of Johanna's arrest. There really was no point in the call, but because the Lace-meister just loves to gossip and stir up trouble, we'll let her do her thang. As for Danny and Wes, they returned all feisty and shitfaced, and soon they began joking about all the numbers they had received over the course of the night. Well, this understandably pissed Melinda off, and we knew we were in for a real treat as we cut away to rain falling in a puddle. Oooh! Mood shift!

Yes, Melinda was crying in her bed now, but luckily, she had the doting attention of Lacey and Rachel (but not Johanna. Jail, remember?) who comforted her with gentle support. Lurking at the door, however, was Danny who quietly eavesdropped as Melinda dismissed his whole letter, saying it was bullshit. Uh oh. Did I mention this rain was part of a thunderstorm? We all know what that means in Bunim/Murray-ese. Rain = sadness. Thunderstorm = FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Well, Danny went off on Melinda for bashing his letter. "I didn't come home with a girl!" he yelled. And so you see, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that Danny is certainly an upstanding citizen. Unfortunately, Mel wasn't convinced, citing exhibit A, the number on the back of Danny's hand. "Do you see the numbah?!?!" he asked incredulously. Apparently Melinda was wrong about this one because that "numbah" actually belonged to Wes. Still, she pulled the whole that-letter-feels-like-bullshit card again, causing Danny to retort, "Oh, it feels like it??" Yeah, why would Melinda ever say that? Just because Danny told us that he couldn't see Melinda as his girlfriend and just because he called his one night away from her a "giant leap for all the guys who are bitches out there," and just because he greeted her at the bar with "F*CK!", why the hell would she ever say his letter felt like bullshit? How could she even pick up that vibe??

Melinda then questioned Danny about the other number on his hand (the one from the springer spaniel chick): "Is that Wes's phone number too?" she asked.

"Actually, it's, uhhh, Nehemiah's," replied Danny (nice save, bro!).

"Okay," said Mel, "and Nehemiah didn't have a hand or an arm or anything to write on too?"

Best response ever: "Turns out he didn't." Oh no!!! What happened to Nehemiah's arms?!?! Was there some awful woodchipper incident we haven't seen? Was he drawn and quartered in a Dizzy Rooster body shot gone wrong? Do tell!

Nevertheless, with Mel having called out his shit, Danny had nothing else to do but rant and rave throughout the house, slamming the curtain behind him as he left Melinda's room. Oooh! He SLAMMED the curtain! A most violent and assertive gesture! Second only to kicking a dust bunny and punching a hole through a tissue! You showed HER, Danny!

"If she wants to be like that, I'll do my own thing," he lamented to the household. Um, wasn't that exactly what you were doing? Ah, but he had more: "Sorry I took a day off!" Hey Danny, I hate to break this to you, but you don't really take "days off" from relationships. Or even friendships. Unless, you know, you suck. I mean, how would you like it if one day your short-brimmed caps decided to take a day off from you? You would be hurt, yes?

With all this hoopla going on, we almost forgot Joey in the "slammah," but luckily she called in, and when Lacey answered it, she immediately said, "Be glad you were in jail because you missed so much crap, it's not even funny." Wow, the implication there was that jail was actually worse than being in the Real World house. Now that's pretty damn bad.

Speaking of bad, it was time to get back to the Danny/Melinda storyline, and the next morning, Danny moaned, "I hate drama, Mel." Well, it's a good thing you don't create it with your incessant waffling on this stupid relationship... Nevertheless, Melinda basically told Danny that he was coming at her with so much uncertainty, that of course there was going to be drama. Ah, but Danny refuted this: "Did I say, 'Mel, I need a break from you'?" Um, I'm pretty sure you just 'fessed up to having taken a "day off," so you might want to try another approach, dawg.

Sure enough, that's exactly what he did. "You don't have to protect yourself from me, Mel. Get over it!" he said. Yeah, get over it, you stupid, unable-to-deal-with-mental-toying bitch. Amazingly, the person who apologized through all this was Melinda, who blurted out, "I'm sorry," and with that, the music suddenly changed to some upbeat ditty and everything was just grand once again. Huh?

As for Johanna, Leo picked her up, and when the two returned home, Lacey actually hugged Leo first. You know, because he'd spent such a rough night in Not Jail. Johanna meanwhile moaned, "Why meeee???" Yeah, why her? Oh wait, I know. Because you are a DRUNKEN MESS.

Luckily, Johanna was able to learn a very valuable lesson: "Obviously, hello, don't steal a flower from a freakin' homeless person vendor." Yes, for those of you who feared that The Real World had lost its grasp on the reigning social issues of our day, along comes an episode like this to remind us that we should Just Say No to flower robbery. Pedro who?

As the episode came to an end, Johanna and Leo cuddled up and talked about the future. "What am I supposed to do? Not drink? That's not going to happen," said Joey. Listen, I hate to be the voice of reason, but, um, YOU JUST GOT ARRESTED. Maybe lay off the wine spritzers for a night. These cops need a night off once in a while.

In the closing moments, Wes and Danny ridiculed their jailbird roommate, and I kid you not, Wes managed to make a carnation joke. Something like "Johanna was charged with Grand Theft Carnation." Okay, okay, it was mildly amusing, albeit historically inaccurate (she stole a rose, not a carnation). What did you think about the episode? Should Johanna have been arrested? And is Danny toying with Melinda or is Melinda putting too much pressure on Danny?

Posted by at 12:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (44)

Entering their senior years, the teenage protagonists that make up The OC had a lot to look forward to. During the day they would rule the school and the evening time would bring unprecedented levels of debauchery as they could start getting into the "18 and over" nights at The Bait Shop. Ryan and Seth managed to go a whole summer without running away so their girlfriends weren't mad at them and they wouldn't have to waste precious months winning them back. Then again, not everything was so awesome. Marissa shot somebody, Ryan actually did try and run away and everybody was about to follow him, and Ryan and Marissa got thrown out of their private school because of that shooting. But let's try to accentuate the positive and all of that. Marissa's parents were getting back together, and Seth's mom was out of rehab and would be coming home any day now. As long as they had each other, what was going to keep them apart?

The OC still loves the early morning breakfast banter, but we have been introduced to a new breakfast routine as Summer, Seth, Ryan and Marissa all enjoy piling into a booth at their favorite diner and eating food or discussing their lives. As teenage eateries goes, it doesn't quite have the cachet of The Max, but it will do. As the realization of Ryan and Marissa's situation began to sink in, Summer is getting more and more depressed. Although she isn't a ra-ra type big on school spirit and she does have expensive tastes, but she really likes the simple pleasures as well, especially when it comes to her high school experience. She had imagined her junior prom since she was a young girl, and for all the things Seth Cohen did incorrectly, saving her at the end of the prom probably did more for their relationship then a thousand spiderman kisses. Summer will still have Ryan, but not having her best friend is going to be difficult.

You also know that things aren't going to get easier for Seth either. He was always a huge geek, and while he did gain some cred after going out with the hottest girl in the school, without Ryan around to intimidate the bullies, he was going to be in line for a number of different methods of geek torture including being pushed into lockers, wedgies, swirlies, and having his butt cheeks taped together. Frankly, I don't get that last one. Perhaps his ass was so hairy that it hurt to rip the tape off? And from the bully's standpoint, isn't gluteal affixation sort of, well, a pain in the ass to accomplish? Wouldn't that be a least a three man job? And being macho and everything, doesn't it strike you as slightly homoerotic?

In fact, Summer and Seth think that maybe Ryan and Marissa got the better end of the deal. After all, they won't have to deal with the pastel Dean who is getting creepier and creepier with. Besides, they still have each other and if they stick together they will be OK. If unplanned pregnancies, attempted lesbianism, and attempted murder can't keep these two apart, it's going to take a force of nature to prevent these two from enjoying all of their moments together. Or their parents could have tell them not to see each other, but they wouldn't do that after how hard the two of them have tried to stay together, right? Shouldn't they just accept it by now?

We are beginning to see a different Sandy this year. We have always known that he was well connected. We have never seen him step foot into a courtroom or even a judges chambers, but he still manages to be one of the most connected people in Newport. He's always making calls and pulling in favors even though we never get to see how he earns them. It must be this uncanny skill that has found him as head of the Newport Group while Kirsten is gone even though most people wouldn't hire him if they needed to build a bird house. Sandy is also showing new colors when it comes to this relationship with Ryan. We have seen the Cohens get parental on Seth for obvious reasons, but they usually left Ryan alone, and rarely scolded him for anything. So when Sandy called Ryan in for a little chat, the last thing we were expecting was for Sandy to get upset or raise his voice, but that's exactly what he did.

Perhaps the reason for this new stern tone is the fact that Ryan is about to become an adult. He was de-facto adopted by the Cohens and Sandy has realized that this year is very important for Ryan. One of the reasons for going to Harbor was to give Ryan, who is of course very smart, a chance to go to any school he wanted, and really that was the whole point of getting Ryan away from Chino. It's why the Cohens were hesitant about him leaving for Theresa and it was why they were worried when Trey came to town. Basically, Sandy tells Ryan that he needs to start thinking about what is good for him and not stop worrying about Marissa. He doesn't say that Ryan must stop seeing Marissa, but he does think that they may do well with a little break. And you know that telling a teenager not to see the girl that he was willing to go to jail for is going to work as long as you have the proper overbearing guardian tone to you.

When Ryan got his call from Sandy, Marissa also got a call from her mom. During their conversation, I was just waiting for Julie to tell Marissa that she can't see Ryan anymore, AGAIN. Seriously, I think Marissa is an attractive girl, she has kind of a strange head, but I can see where the appeal is. But if my girlfriend's mom tried to get me framed for first degree assault, I would be out of there. Julie has kind of realized that these two are going to be together, but I think she is not so worried about that as she is about giving her daughter a fresh start. Therefore, you can understand how excited she is when she says that Caitlin's boarding school will take her in. You remember Caitlin, she's the Cooper's other daughter. We knew her for the first summer season of The OC, and then we never saw her again. There is Marissa's fresh start, and in case she was worried her younger sister would start trouble, Julie has raised her allowance. Marissa has a little problem with this and doesn't want to go, so Julie says that she can stay, but she has to promise not to see Ryan.

But if there is anybody that is in a lot of trouble this year, it is Jimmy Cooper. He has always had this strange sort of existence, but he has always been a huge pussy. Jimmy goes to the Cohen's to see Sandy, because he needs a favor. He makes some small talk about being sorry for all of that stuff with the District Attorney and Ryan possibly going to jail, but he really wants to know when they will be reading Caleb's will. He needs some money to get rid of this goon that has been on this tail, and you know Sandy suspects something, but lets him know that it is happening on Friday.

With that knowledge, Jimmy goes to Julie and says they should get married that weekend. Julie probably wanted another big wedding, but when Jimmy wants to keep it small, she agrees. Tasteful, understated and with breakfast omelettes for all. What more does the future Mrs. Cooper-Nichol-Cooper need? Jimmy also has another suggestion - moving to Hawaii. Think about it, they will have a fresh start, Marissa will have a fresh start, and he will be far away from people looking to beat his head to a bloody pulp.

Julie thinks about it a little bit and goes to tell Marissa. Without having to worry about school, they have all day to make out, even though Ryan is kind of banned from their house. When Julie knocks on the door, Ryan has to hide on the balcony. But do you ever wonder where he parks when he goes over there? Wouldn't Julie know he was there when she saw the Range Rover in the driveway or even down the street? Maybe he just rides his bike. While Ryan is hiding, Julie fills Marissa in on the plan, and if both of her parents in Hawaii, there is not really anything that she can do about not going. She didn't do so good as that emancipated minor thing, so it looks like she and Ryan will finally be finished, unless they like each other on webcams as much as they do in person.

The news of the move doesn't hit Summer and Seth very well. They haven't had a great time without their two best friends at Harbor. Seth is getting wedgies...from sophomores. But there is going to be something even more uncomfortable for the two of them in the near future. Dean Hess did a good job of keeping Ryan and Marissa's bad influence out of his school, but their best friends are still in the school, and you know that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. The Dean has a little suggestion for the two of them. Do something good for the school. Join the drama club. At this point, Summer has to put her foot down. She has no problem with Seth and his dorky friends, and she would embarrass herself with things from synchronized swimming to animal rights, but she draws the line at drama club. Summer has a really big problem because the reason why Hess is suggesting drama club is because his favorite student, Taylor Townsend is head of the production.

Ahhh, now it makes a lot of sense. I suggested last year that there be a student-teacher relationship, but I thought it should center around Ryan. We aren't positive what is going on between Taylor and Hess, but she obviously has some sort of influence over him, and I'm pretty sure it's not because of her school spirit. She pouts a little bit, and Hess suggests that they might want to show some school spirit or they will see some consequences.

Summer is, of course, devastated when she hears Marissa is going to leave. Her entire life she has been a loyal friend to Marissa. She has been even more than a friend, she has been a sidekick, and one of the hardest things for a sidekick to deal with is the departure of the master. I don't believe that Summer would have a horrible time without her master, but it is a difficult transition period nonetheless. Despite all of her reservations about going away to boarding school, Marissa isn't exactly dreading going to Hawaii. She says her parents are happy and have a second chance and she wants to be part of that. What she really needs to be part of is a good work release program if you ask me, and honestly that boarding school idea is pretty sweet.

Seth and Ryan aren't really affected by Marissa's decision that much. In fact you could argue that Seth would be really happy with Marissa's departure because he would finally have Ryan all to himself, but he at least tries to be helpful. He suggests perhaps running away or living in a model home, but since neither of those options worked very well the first time around, Ryan stops them before they even get started. Mr. Atwood does have a better idea though; Marissa should live with them. They have plenty of room (not that she would be doing much other than making out with Ryan in the pool house), and the Cohens are the Cooper's best friends. Ryan just needs to get Sandy to think about it.

Lately, Sandy has had a lot of things to think about. Thanks to divorce, death, and detox, Sandy is now running the Newport Group. I'm sure it was just about the last thing that he wanted to do, but if there is anything that would send his beautiful wife into relapse, it would be returning home and finding out that her father's company is now in ruins. And just when is it that Kirsten is coming back? When he found out that Caleb's will would be read on Friday, he went up to Lake Arrowhead to ask her if she wanted to go.

When he got to the lodge Charlotte was waiting in the front and mentioned that "we weren't expecting you", and she wasn't using the "royal we", she was talking like she and Kirsten were a couple, or at least inseparable. You know that there is going to be a meltdown between these two at some point, and although I like Sandy, Charlotte looks like she would grab his balls, rip them off, and eat them for lunch. Kirsten comes out before any neutering occurs, and she isn't exactly excited to hear about the reading of the will. She stands to gain millions, but she is worried about the whole ordeal. Her last argument with her father followed by his death really put her over the edge with her alcoholism, and she's scared of the consequences of being in that situation, at least that is what Charlotte is telling her she should think. And just in case you were wondering just how attached Charlotte is to this whole thing, Sandy catches her eavesdropping on him and Kirsten talking about the will.

With that encounter on his mind, you can understand why Sandy is not too sure about taking in Marissa. One of the good things about this season of the OC is that Ben McKenzie is not overacting in so many scenes, and he begged Sandy saying that they got to where they were because somebody gave them a break, so it's time that somebody gives Marissa one. Sandy can't refuse a request like that, but he gets even better news himself; Kirsten has decided to leave her quarantine and go to Newport for the reading of the will.

Ryan is so very happy that he is finally able to do something for Marissa, and so he is very excited to tell her that they don't have to be apart. When he tells her, he gets an entirely unexpected response. She appreciates everything that he has done, and loves that he would go to all that trouble, but tells him that she has decided to go to Hawaii because she wants to have a chance at a real family, and even Ryan Atwood in one of his patented wife beaters isn't going to get Marissa to change her mind. He can't really get mad and punch her out, so he just has to live with that decision.

At this point, Ryan doesn't really have a lot of options. Seth has some good suggestions, like starting a blog, but he might want to think about doing something special to remind her of him with all of the hot native dudes and sailors (Seth's words not mine). If I were Ryan, I would do that something special and make sure that I'm doing it and doing it and doing it well. See, she's representin' Newport, he was raised out in Chino. Since Ryan will have to use more than ripped-off LL Cool J lyrics to win her back, he decides to enlist the help of his friends, enter Seth and Summer.

Knowing that Ryan and Marissa were going to be out of school, we probably could have guessed that Seth and Summer were going to be able to get even closer than before, they just weren't expecting that they would have to do it in drama club. But the real problem with drama club is not the dramies and the bandies that hang out in droves, it tis the person in charge of the particular production hey are working on. Yes, Taylor Towsend, after being non-existent for the first two seasons is now quite the player at Harbor High. She has Seth and Summer building a set, and I know that she wants to make sure that the two of them are occupied and having a hard time, but is it worth putting the quality of your production in the able hands of Seth Cohen? Hell, is it worth the potential lives of your actors just to get Seth to use a hammer?

All of that risk appears well worth it, especially since it gives Taylor a chance to rub it in to Seth. She is kind of scared to tell off Summer, so she makes fun of Seth by reminding him what a huge geek he is. There's nothing like a good bitch fight between two teenagers, and Summer tears a new one into Taylor "Listen skank. Just because you're saying really mean things in like a really nice voice doesn't mean that we don't realize that you're some stupid little skank." To Taylor, who keeps her J. Crew chastity belt on at all times, this is the ultimate insult, and she begins to cry. Dean Hess immediately sees what is going on, and warns Seth and Summer that there will be consequences if he has even one more incident between the two of them.

The big event of the week is the reading of Caleb's will and yes, Kirsten does come. It's a big relief for Sandy, who was really starting to miss Kirsten for things even more important than ordering Thai, cleaning the house, and his skeleton copulation fetish (seriously Kelly Rowan is hella thin these days). He has been very supportive of her when he sees her, although he is becoming a little more inquisitive about her timetable and even question how much Charlotte is responsible for her attitude. In one of the few times this season we will ever see him raise his voice, Sandy yelled at Seth for arguing with him about how much they should push Kirsten into coming back, so it was a relief that she walked in, and she didn't have Charlotte with her.

Right before the will was read, you could really sense the anticipation in the room. Charlotte told Kirsten that Caleb probably had a surprise waiting for her, and she was listening to hear if that was true. Julie was waiting to see exactly how rich she was going to become. She signed a pre-nup which was likely air-tight, but his will would be his final say on the matter. Jimmy was hoping to get it over with as well. His friend had paid him a visit and said in some not so uncertain fashion that Jimmy would not get another chance. Lindsey didn't make the flight, which is surprising to nobody, because neither she nor Zach will be heard from again if the producers stay true to form.

The executor starts his speech, and Julie is happy to learn that she is going to get an equal part of the fortune to be split with Kristen and Lindsay. Unfortunately, each of their portions is going to be roughly equal to the amount of money I give back each year to my alumni fund. Before I get a bunch of letter from people wanting to know if I am married, I should tell you that the share the women will be getting is equal not because I am so very generous, but because Caleb is so very broke. He lived a wealthy lifestyle, but i was all smoke and mirrors. A couple of mortgages on the house, debts everywhere. By the time the creditors were happy, that left nothing but a single letter to Kirsten.

Kirsten is so upset that she decides to leave, blaming Sandy for pushing her to come back. Sand tries to call her cell phone, then the lodge, but only Charlotte is there to answer. They both want to hear Kirsten on the other end, and are both equally disappointed that she doesn't answer. Charlotte chastises Sandy for pushing her, as if Charlotte's clingy, creepy style was what was holding her together, and we don't know where she is off ton, until we see that she has found her way to a little deli and buys herself a flask of vodka. 3-2-1 relapse!

Julie just doesn't know what the hell to do, but she has her security blanket with Jimmy, who has a business of his own. So what if they can't move back to Hawaii with Caleb's fortune. They are leaving on a boat in a couple of days and maybe it's just a clean break. I don't think anybody was wondering, but Julie admits that she loved Caleb for his money, because she was attracted to the security that money brings, and then confesses that she always felt safe with Jimmy. What Jimmy doesn't tell her is that he is planning on skipping town. He says that it is bad luck to sleep with the bride before the wedding, almost as bad luck as it is to owe hundreds of thousands to a loan shark and neglect to pay it all. That's all she wrote, and he rushes to his boat to start packing.

While all of the grownups are busy doing there thing, Ryan is busy wooing Marissa. He used the old "let's get some black and white milkshakes at the diner" trick to lure her into following him. Now we all know that the best black and white milkshakes are not on the pear in Newport but are at the 101 Coffee Shop on Franklin. We also know that the likelihood of Marissa sucking down more than a few sips of that milkshake without throwing it up five minutes later is remote, so there has to be another reason for him asking her to go, and we soon find out why.

Ryan promised to tell Marissa her fortune...all night long.

Seth and Summer had been working on South Pacific, and they helped Ryan build a little cabana tent made out of props from the production, complete with tiki torches and plenty of blankets and rugs. There is, of course, nothing more romantic than spending an evening in Bedouin trading camp. I can't believe Ryan was so thoughtless as to forget the goats and camels. But look, the thing is that they don't need anything except each other to be happy, and so they are having a great time making out inside. You know, I am not sure what private beach they were on in Newport where nobody would notice this camp site, but let's pretend David Geffen is on patrol and is keeping the untouchables away.

Everything is going great, but in the middle, Marissa decides that this is too much. She runs out saying that she can't do this. Before Ryan decides if he should finish himself off with one of Kirsten's Victoria's Secret catalogs back home or see if Seth has forgotten to lock down his anime porn collection, Marissa comes back, says she was just kidding, and then things get really serious. A couple of seasons ago, this scene would have been intolerable, but Ben and Mishca pulled it off. Ryan said there was a lot of stuff that they have done, but nothing like they were about to do. Consider me a prude, but at this point, I am hoping that Ryan has some protection. Seriously, not only has Ryan already impregnated a girl, but he doesn't know where she has been. There was the gardener, and then there was Alex, who slept with all sorts of people. And for Marissa, Ryan isn't exactly chaste. Theresa brings a whole lot of people into the fold that you probably don't want to know about.

But let's not spoil the mood, because we have Jimmy Cooper to do that. No, Kimmy didn't walk in on the two of them while they were going at it, or even bother them while it was going on, but after the two of them woke up in the morning, the morning that was supposed to be his wedding day, Jimmy calls and needs to see Marissa.

I was wondering what Jimmy Cooper was doing hanging around this season. He seemed to have a purpose at the end of last year, but they were kind of dragging him around. I was wondering why they had him run into money troubles again, but it quickly became apparent. Just as he was about to leave, his friend finds Jimmy with his bags packed and puts him in the back of an Escalade with no intentions of negotiating. During the scenes of Ryan and Marissa's tender moment, they interject it with scenes from Jimmy getting the shit knocked out of him (as well as Kirsten sitting in a hotel room looking at her newly-purchased vodka), and he really was getting a beat down. They slammed his face into some beams near the pier to loosen him up, as it looks like these thugs were more interested in beating Jimmy to within an inch of his life among the most scenic surroundings than they were concerned about finding a secluded area to get the job done.

After plenty of ass-kicking, which warranted one of the few parental advisories we see for the OC, Jimmy is left for dead. We know he didn't die, mainly because I just told you that he called Marissa, and when he does call Marissa to come and see him, she sees him in some pretty bad condition. Considering how many people were pounding him in though, he looks pretty good, at least not bad enough that he would have to worry about permanent damage, or, you know, scars. Seriously, I have hurt myself much worse than a group of guys hurt Jimmy. How is it that I would need stitches after cutting an apple, and Jimmy just patched himself up with his first aid kit, and didn't even have a limp.

Most inefficient thuggery ever!

Jimmy tells Marissa that he is a bad father and that he has to leave. And to show just how much he cared about Julie, he is going to let Marissa tell her mother that the wedding is off. Marissa tells him that if he leaves, he should never come back, because it is too hard to say goodbye like this. Better than saying goodbye to him when he is in a pine box, right Marissa? Of all the things Jimmy has done, skipping out on Julie had to be one of the worst. She has been a huge bitch this season, but when she sees Marissa, then sees Ryan followed her, she knows something is wrong. Her chance at a new life is smashed. She thought she was actually going to be with the one she loved, the one who she left too soon, and was going to get a second chance. Instead, she found out that she was going to be alone. But hey! At least Ryan and Marissa get to stay together!

There was at least one happy ending in Newport however. Kirsten resisted the bottle, and she decided she wanted to come back home. She had her father's letter, and knew that the only thing that would help her face the fears she had about what was within was not running away with a bottle, but running right back into the arms of her husband. In a weird way, Charlotte was right; Caleb left a surprise for Kirsten, but not one that she was expecting. His letter was not written out of anger for their argument about her drinking, but was written as an apology for the way he had treated her all these years. It was exactly what she needed to hear, and she knew that she was ready to live her life again.

They go back home, where Seth and Ryan are discussing everything that happened. While Ryan was watching Julie's heart break, Seth and Summer were returning all of the props from the South Pacific set. Dean Hess caught Seth while Summer had left to get the tiki torches, and starts on and on about being the Dean of Discipline and how he has to set an example, perhaps he can start by showing everybody an example of how to act if you want people to believe that you are not a huge douchebag and a psychopath. He gives Seth detention, but says he can fix it by naming his partner. GIven the choice, Seth thinks about how his actions would affect somebody else besides him, and he says he acted alone. The Dean gave him two months detention, but it showed a new side of Seth; a side concerned about somebody besides himself. He believes it was the first brave thing he has done in his life.

Just when we think seth is about to start gloating again, Kirsten comes in with Sandy, setting off a "Hey!" explosion like we haven't seen in a long time. For some reason, Ryan is the first one to great Kirsten. I mean, I know she has been like a mother to you, but Seth is the one that actually spent time in her uterus, so I think he has dibs.

This was overall a good episode. Dare I say the writers have found a sense of pacing? Kirsten came back home at the right time, and we got rid of the Jimmy Cooper distraction, but we still had hints of what was coming. Taylor and Dean Hess have something going on, and they are sure to get caught soon. Whatever it is, I hope they keep Taylor around, because she has been a great high school villain. On top of that, we learned a little bit more about Charlotte. She doesn't own that cabin on Lake Arrowhead, and when the property manager came to collect her rent and tell her to leave, Charlotte packs up some things, heads out the back window, and leaves. So we know that she is poor and a liar, but we still have to find out why she went to all that trouble to get close to Kirsten.

What did you think of this episode? What will Julie Cooper do for money now? Will Ryan get Marissa pregnant? Will Dean Hess get Taylor pregnant? What will Seth do during detention?

Hey! Count: Episode 20(!), Season 35. [Thanks for the reminder D. Chuck]

UPDATE: I forgot to remind everybody that we are giving away three copies of the OC Season 2 on DVD. Read more for your chance to win.

Posted by at 9:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (23)

That’s right. The Desperate Housewives are back and TVgasm is on them like white on rice, like flies on sh*t, like stink on a mule and/or Kevin Federline. After being given the task of tackling America’s favorite Housewives, I took it upon myself to watch all 23 episodes of the first season this weekend in order to get up to speed. That’s right, while some of you were watching both the Patriots and Eagles win with last second field goals, I was vacationing on Wisteria Lane, knee deep in murder, vicious backstabbing, and a delusional Nicolette Sheridan walking around thinking she’s still attractive. But what about last night's premiere? Did Zach kill Mike or Susan? Was Rex murdered? And for those people with an abundance of Y chromosomes, the question will most likely be “What the heck is Desperate Housewives?� Think of it as the O.C.’s crazy aunt. Or the bastard child of Melrose Place. Heck, they already have half of the Melrose cast anyway. So before we jump right into the action from last night, perhaps a brief recap of the story so far is in order..

Desperate Housewives recounts the story of 4 women who live on Wisteria Lane in the town of Fairview. The show began with the mysterious suicide of their friend and neighbor Mary Alice Young, who also acts as the narrator of the show. Throughout the season the 4 women tried to find out why she killed herself, while at the same time dealing with their own problems. And since this is Desperate Housewives, the problems they deal with are decidedly more interesting than ours. Less “who does carpool Thursday?� and more “how do I bury the body of the woman who knows that I bought a crackhead's baby and then murdered the mother and buried her beneath the pool?� Lynette Scavo, played by Felicity Huffman (who just won the Emmy), was the stay-at-home mom who looked after her 4 children, who are not as much children as 2-dimensional holy terrors leading to lots of scenes of her chasing them around as they act like evil Satan spawns. As the season progressed her husband Tom (played by Melrose’s own Doug Savant, who it turns out may not be actually gay in real life) was offered a promotion that she sabotaged because it would have meant he would have spent more time traveling and away from the kids. When her husband found out, he quit his job and decided to become a stay-at-home dad, and Lynette was forced to go back to the corporate world she had left behind years ago (oh, and she was addicted to ADD medication for a while, but that was no biggie).

Gabrielle Solis, played by the Eva Longoria, the hottest 3-foot-tall woman in existence, is the local trophy wife and former model married to her rich husband Carlos, yet was having an affair with the gardener John. After Carlos was arrested first for embezzlement, and then for a mistaken case of gay bashing (after beating up 2 gay men he thought were sleeping with his wife), he decided to switch Gabrielle’s birth control pills to what looked like Sour Patch Kids to trick her into getting pregnant, which proved successful but finding out who the father is still an open question. Bree Van De Kamp, played by yet another Melrose alum Marcia Cross, is described as “Martha Stewart on Steroids.� Her cold Stepford Wife-like demeanor drove her husband to seek a divorce last season, which led to her briefly dating the local pharmacist, who after being confronted by a still -ealous Rex, decided to switch his heart medication. At the end of last season Rex suddenly died after the doctors ominously said that something he was ingesting was causing his condition to deteriorate. Edie, played by soon-to-be-octogenarian Nicollette Sheridan, is the local slut who is a sworn enemy of Teri Hatcher's Susan, after Susan inadvertently burned her house down last season. Susan Mayer is a divorcee with a teenage daughter with which she shares a Gilmorian-like relationship with, and she's involved with the new hunk in the neighborhood named Mike Delfino, who isn’t everything he seems. Mike is in town trying to find out who killed his wife Dierdre, while posing as a plumber.

At last season's finale we found out that the big mystery was that Mary Alice and her husband Paul bought their son Zach from Dierdre years ago when she was a drug addict. They then changed their names and moved to Wisteria Lane. 3 years later a cleaned up Dierdre showed up to claim her son and when she got into an argument Mary Alice accidentally killed her while Zach looked on. They then buried the body under the pool in the back yard. Mike had brought Paul to a quarry where he was going to execute him but at the last minute changed his mind and walked away leaving Paul on the lamb. Meanwhile Zach, who's mentally unstable because of the whole "watched my mom murder someone, blocked it out and had my dad make me think I did it" thing, has kidnapped Susan in his home and is waiting for Mike to return where he plans to kill him.

As the episode begins Mike enters the house where Zach is waiting for him with the loaded gun. A brief struggle ensues, Susan gets whacked in the mouth and Zach gets away. Kind of a let down if you ask me. I mean what was in the hatch on Lost, that was a kick ass cliffhanger with a great resolution. This was a little more underwhelming. But hey, we got about 8 storylines to choose from, they can’t all be stinkers right? Although I will admit it was fun to watch Teri Hatcher take a digger. The girl has become the comic relief of the show. On the other side of Wisteria Lane, newly pregnant super smoking hot Hobbit Gabrielle returns home from court, where her husband is currently incarcerated, to kick out her former lover and the gardener John who thinks that they can finally be together. Lynette meanwhile is getting ready for her big job interview. But the big story is Bree. Her husband Rex just died suddenly the night before and she is left devastated. At least we think she was. You see, Bree is kind of insane and doesn’t really show emotion. So without the emotion chip needed to cry, she is left standing at the end of her driveway looking off into space. But then again, if she did get an emotion chip, it may cause problems like when Data’s malfunctioned in Star Trek: Insurrection and he was singing Gilbert and Sullivan songs. God that movie was so bad. But I digress. As she stands on her driveway we are then greeted with the arrival of Lex’s mom Phyllis, who proves to be just as insane a control freak as Bree is. As they are going over funeral arrangements, they argue over what tie Rex should be buried in, with Phyllis insisting he wear one with his school colors, which of course are gaudy orange and green. Apparently he graduated from Hogwarts. And Phyllis brings along all sorts of Rex mementos as well. She has saved everything from his comic books from when he was a kid to, yes, his porn. No word on whether she saved all his soiled splooge rags.

Meanwhile at Lynette’s job interview, she is being grilled by Joely Fisher's gigantic breasts as to whether she can handle the pressures of the job while being a mother. She assures her she can and they agree to meet the next morning with the big boss. The next day things don’t go as planned as her husband throws his back out and she’s forced to bring the baby to the interview. You see, Lynette's husband is a bit of a wimp. He was tougher when he was playing the sensitive gay dude on Melrose Place. Of course this being TV land, she ends up having to change the baby's diaper and give her big presentation all at the same time, and she gets the job. I wish I had a job in fake TV land, where they would give you huge raises for writing your TVgasm recaps during lunch.

Later we see Bree knocking on the door of the new neighbor Betty Applewhite. Since the church organist is out sick she was wondering if Betty would play at the funeral since she’s heard that she is a classical pianist. And there’s nothing a Desperate Housewife loves more than a nice pianist. Fat pianists, young pianists. All kinds really. Heck, if a pianist with a fever was stuck out in the rain they’d still take him. Because there is nothing they love more than a hot, wet pianist. As they are talking Betty’s son offhandedly mentions that their dad is also dead and they can relate to what they are going through. As Bree walks away, we find out that he was lying about that as part of their “cover story.� Hmmm. It looks like Betty is this year's “big mystery� as well as being this year's big pianist.

Gabrielle has herself in a bit of a pickle herself when she visits her husband in jail and he is demanding a paternity test to find out who her baby's father is. Faced with that dilemma she does what all the desperate housewives do, she lies and fakes the results. Hey, she may not be the nicest person in the world, but she is the only one on this show that can truly be considered a stone cold hottie. So we let it slide. After she brings the test results back to show Carlos, they argue about her cheating and his switching her birth control pills. The only thing that they can both agree on is that they are happy that they are both still rich. Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?


Susan and Mike meanwhile are still recovering from being held at gunpoint by Mary Alice’s son Zach. Mike reveals that the reason he won’t press charges against Zach is because he thinks that Zach is his son. Yowza! Things aren’t helped as later he gets a call from the police as he’s called down to identify a body they believe is Zach’s. Fortunately when they get to the morgue it turns out to be the body of Clay Aiken and not Zach. An APB is put out for a fat black man wearing a shirt with the number “205� plastered on the front. This leads Susan to make a big decision. She had been planning on moving in with Mike but with this latest revelation Susan decides that she has to break up with him because, you know, his son is a stone cold pyscho that tried to kill her and stalked her daughter. She goes over to his house to tell him the news and Mike is left on his porch looking like a sad Ty Pennington who just realized he ran out of hair gel.

Finally we get to the big moment of the episode. Rex’s funeral. To quell all the suspicions from some fans last year we see for sure that Rex is in fact dead (there were rumors that he might be still alive because no body was seen in the last episode, it was just a phone call). As Bree walks up to look in the casket she sees that Phyllis has gone behind her back and switched the tie to the ugly orange and green one. Not to be outdone, Bree walks down the aisle until she spots Tom's and orders him to take it off. She then walks up to the corpse, yanks him up, and switches the tie right there in the church. Thank god they didn’t argue about underwear. As she then peers down at him (which is quite obviously a dummy, yet creepy looking nonetheless), she whispers "You look magnificent." She then turns and walks out the church with everyone looking on. Did I mention this show was somewhat dark? Yeah, well it is.

As the show comes to a conclusion we get a brief look at the new neighbor Betty Applewhite as her son Matthew comes in with a tray of dinner prepared. Betty goes into a cupboard, pulls out a gun and they both go down into the basement where, locked behind a steel door, they leave the tray and a shackled hand reaches out for his dinner.

How did Rex really die? Who is locked in the basement? Could it be a new Sloth?

Posted by EdHIll at 8:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (23)

• Ashton and Demi reportedly tie the knot. And yes, that was a reference to marriage, not a Kabbalah string. [Reuters]


• Tough month for Nick-At-Nite. Don Adams of Get Smart dies at 82. [Reuters]


• Great. Meet Sprout, a network aimed specifically at toddlers. Also soon to be the MOST ANNOYING NETWORK EVER. [New York Times]


• Here's a shocker. Desperate Housewives has a huge season premiere. [Hollywood Reporter]

Posted by at 3:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

After several weeks or receiving entries, we have finally found a winner of the Riding The Bus With My Sister Emmy screener.

It was hard to winnow this field down as there were many funny entries. And while everyone did a great job, I had to go with the entry that made me laugh the most. The winner and runner-up after the jump...

First, a little shout-out to this quickie of an entry from Sean:

"I want to watch this bloated vermin
Impersonating Pee-Wee Herman"

It wasn't enough of a poem to be a real contender, but amusing nonetheless.

And now...

Runner-Up:

This entry is from Heather. Gotta respect the magnetic poetry:

Winner

Short, simple, and totally capturing the mania that is Rosie O'Donnell in Riding The Bus With My Sister, this entry by Bobbie easily won us over:

Marshmallows and toilet seats--
Sticky and slippery...
Something is wrong!
Something is WRONG!
SOMETHING IS WRONG!

So congratulations Bobbie. You've just won yourself a DVD!

Posted by at 12:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (21)

The buzz may be long gone from The Apprentice, but man, this show still works. Yeah, there are a lot of haters out there, but honestly, it's hard to top the delicate mixture of bombastic Trumpisms, blatant product placement, bickering overachievers, and possibly the best elimination forum on television: the boardroom. It looks like we'll be in for another exciting journey this season, and if this first episode is any indication, there'll be fun times aplenty here on TVgasm. It's late at night, and I have a lot of writing ahead, so let's get this party started.

And pardon the unintentional Pink reference.

This most audacious of reality shows kicked off its fourth season with images of hope and America: the morning sun! Humble farms! Ugly power lines! Cut to me standing in my living room, saluting the TV and singing, "My Donald 'tis of thee!"

Okay, I didn't do that, but that's because I was listening to Mr. Trump boast about his candidates: "They're hungry go-getters, each with a different story to tell." Yeah, like that one crazy party at B-school. Or that awful first day of work. Or, oh this is hilarious, back at the strip club when that guy killed three people just to pay for a lap dance. (For those of you not in the know, candidate Alla used to be a stripper, and one of her clients murdered three people in a ill-conceived plan to pay for her services. Yeah, it'll be a running TVgasm joke.)

Anyway, just in case we didn't believe that these people were "go-getters," we then saw footage of one plucky girl running with a beauty queen sash. Funny, I always work out with my tiara on. (Most beautiful blogger pageant, of course.)

Soon enough, Trump began bellowing at full force, and I eagerly anticipated what would surely be a prototypically lavish Mark Burnett intro. What would The Donald be doing this year? Hang gliding over Manhattan? Riding an ostrich over the Brooklyn Bridge? Water skiing with the help of some speedy dolphins? Nope. Donald merely sat at his desk and yapped away. Man, that was anticlimactic. And we didn't even get to see Rhona either. You call this an intro, Burnett?

Well, the good news was that we did get to see former winners Bill Rancic, Kelly Perdew, and Kendra Todd in a brief montage. And just to prove that they were now Very Important Executives, we saw them walking briskly down halls and over sidewalks. Because, you know, unimportant people don't walk briskly.

Finally, The Donald stepped away from his desk and walked out the front doors of Trump Towers, all the while declaring, "I'm looking for someone who's a tough negotiator. I'm looking for someone who's a dynamic leader. I'm looking for... THE APPRENTICE!" And, well, some product placement too. Cut to footage of Song Airlines delivering the latest contestants to New York. Seriously.

Ah, but Trump wasn't done babbling. "They'll work harder than they've ever imagined!" he promised. We then watched as one guy stuck out his hand and hailed a cab, yelling, "Taxi!" Man, that's some hard work! This is the most hardcore Apprentice EVER!

Eventually, we met some of the candidates, like our mysterious Alla who explained, "I was born in Russia, moved to the States with absolutely nothing, and made myself into a multi-millionaire all on my own." And, you know, a stripper. Sorry, I'm gonna have to bring that up whenever I can. Alla can be like, "So I ate a tuna salad," and I'll still write, "Strippers LOVE tuna salad!" I know at least I'll laugh. And so will you, right?

[crickets]

Anyway, after the opening credits (which, by the way, is one of the best openers on TV. Can't decide between it and Laguna Beach), we saw all the various candidates arriving by cab at the Trump National golf course. There, a humble servant welcomed everyone by opening their doors and saying, "Welcome to Trump National Bedminster." So is this what Bill Rancic's been doing for the past eighteen months? Really not very impressive.

Marshawn, a criminal defense attorney, then piped up with why she was qualified to be the next Apprentice: "I've been able to represent gang members, drug dealers, prostitutes." Oh, well, that's perfect for corporate America. We all know that Trump loves to hire the Crips to take care of his country clubs. Meanwhile, Clay NotAiken announced that he was proud to be openly gay. After all, the men would be cool with it, and the women would be his best friends. Clay then added, "I can't wait to tell Martha what I'm all about. Wait what? This is the Donald one? F*@K!"

Probably the biggest story behind this cast, however, was the unlikely appearance of Cameron Crowe amongst the candidates. Who would have thought this beloved screenwriter/director would need to slum it in reality TV? I mean, the guy's worked with Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz and Renée Zell --- oh wait. It wasn't Cameron Crowe. Just some doofus named Markus. My bad.

Well, the corporate all-stars all lined up on the golf course where a tantastic Trump met them. Today's big discussion was about fitness. "The fitness business is a monster business. In the United States, it does 13 BILLION DOLLARS a year in revenue," Donald said. It's funny, I was going to joke that he was going to say "A TEN BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY," but, well, he beat me to the punch. Anyway, he continued: "There's no better company, there's no finer company, and it's also one of the largest, Bally's Total Fitness." Okay, I beg to differ. Anyone who's ever been stuck in the hell-hole institution known as Bally's Total Fitness will surely know what I'm talking about. Not only did I get conned into a three year contract (I was told I could cancel after one year. WRONG), but the facilities (especially in Hollywood, CA) were so grimy, smelly, unkempt, and nasty that a friend of mine actually got a WORM from the exercise equipment. Funny story: that friend also stopped talking to me on account of his burgeoning fame (which turned out to be not much of a fame at all. Needless to say, only a few stars emerged from Bring It On, and he was not one of them). So basically, enjoy the worm, SUCKER!

Anyway, after Trump detailed this week's assignment (design an exercise class at Bally's; whoever earns the most money is the winner), he split the contestants into two teams -- boy vs. girl -- and said that there was a helicopter somewhere on the golf course. The first team to reach it would be able to pick a gym location first. And with that, the corporate superstars were off! Yes, racing to find a helicopter on a golf course. Just like corporate America!

As everyone ran to the chopper, one bullish guy brushed right past Donald, causing him to laugh and say, "He almost ran into me. The lineman. That guy almost ran me over!" It should be noted that running Trump over is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY.

Well, this not-so-Amazing Race ended fairly quickly, and the women, despite hopping in golf carts still managed to lose. How in the hell? Did they stop off for lattés on the way or something?

Anyway, after the commercial break, we returned to find The Donald teaching us a very Rodney King-ish lesson: "Can't we all just get along?" Yeah, we should really love each other more. At least until we're forced into a purposefully divisive conceit like The Boardroom to fight for our lives. But yeah, we should all get along.

Up in the sky, the two guys in the helicopter deliberated on the Bally's locations. One of the passengers, Josh, explained his thought process: "Oh, 106th street. Spanish Harlem. Probably not the best place. 20th Street, Sixth Avenue, in Chelsea, more affluent. Better location." It's okay, Josh. You can say it: predominantly gay neighborhood, one that stereotypically features a large gym-going population. I'm sure Clay wouldn't mind the shout-out. Nevertheless, the guys showed up at Bally's and surprise, surprise, the manager was some fattish looking dude with nasty facial hair. Just par for the course at Bally's. Did I mention that I hate Bally's?

As for the girls, they were stuck with the Spanish Harlem Bally's, and almost immediately, a chipper girl named Kristi stepped up to be Project Manager. We knew she was doomed immediately when the big-haired Felisha said, "All right, you want to be project manager. This is your niche. We're gonna let you do it." That sort of patronizing faith always leads to immediate failure. Anyway, the girls all headed into their gym and polled the locals about how much they spend for classes, etc. Needless to say, it wasn't much. Later, when the team reconvened in an office, a loud and brash woman named Melissa spoke up, saying that Hispanic people don't want to pay more than $15 or $20, and she could say that because she was Hispanic. Personally, I didn't think the race mattered. No one wants to spend more than $15 for anything at Bally's, especially when you've already been locked down into a three-year plan. Still, the girls wanted to charge more, with one saying she could sell a class for $50 a pop. Ahem, ladies, let's not forget that you're in Spanish Harlem, not Spanish Malibu. Might be a bit pricey for this 'hood.

Well, a dullard named Toral didn't necessarily disagree with Melissa's stance, but, "the problem was the manner in which Melissa said it." Oh I see. Turn down a good idea because it wasn't communicated in the proper tone of voice. Toral: future poster child for middle management.

To be fair though, Melissa was acting crazy dumb, and we all know what that means on The Apprentice. Acting strange + being a minority = fired. Let's not forget Stacy J. and her ca-RAZY antics with the magic eight ball, also known as the scariest moment of many women's lives. Meanwhile, over at the men's gym, Cameron Crowe, I mean, Markus, was getting confused by just about everything around him. I don't know why. I'll chalk it up to the inordinately large amount of exercise balls lining the gym's walls. Honestly, who wouldn't be intimidated?

At the end of the day, the teams retired to the suite which had once again received an Extreme Makeover: Trump Edition. Gone were those dreary greens and grays and whites. In their place were deep reds and blacks and anything else that connoted vaguely Oriental themes. Yes, for some reason, this year's living quarters were all about Asia, which would have been particularly fitting had there actually been at least one Asian person in the cast. Along with a new decor, of course, came new gadgets, and soon enough, we found Randal talking into what looked like a brass banana. Turns out it was an ultra-modern phone (how Asian!), and oh no, his grandmother had died. Her breathing tube had fallen out, and in the time it took for her husband to get a nurse, she had suffocated. Wow. Talk about an Apprentice downer. Somehow Randal managed to push on and participate in this dumb Bally's task, which is pretty impressive given the situation. I have a hard enough time focusing if there's a restaurant menu floating around, let alone a familial death.

Anyway, the next morning, it was time for the teams to shape up or ship out. The gals hit the pavement kinda, not really running, and passed out flyers to passers-by about their pseudo-yoga-lates class (it probably had nothing to do with yoga-lates, but I enjoy saying it regardless). Now let's just get something clear right now. Future Apprentice candidates, listen up reeeeaaal good, now. Whichever team solely relies on handing out flyers to people on the street ALWAYS LOSES. I don't think we've ever seen that strategy ever pay off, unless the other team was similarly disposed to such a dumb plan. Nevertheless, the ladies not only handed out flyers on the street, but they were ever so bright to make "XXX" the centerpiece of their ad campaign. And oh yeah, they used pink paper. I suppose this was Kristi's brilliant plan to appeal to seedy middle-aged men who live in their mothers's basements, and you know, just happen to want to get in shape.

By the way, the name of the women's exercise class was "Triple Threat," a title which incidentally does not feature the letter "x" in either of its words.

Just when we thought this brilliant marketing plan couldn't get any more illogical, Kristi (a.k.a. pseudo Reese Witherspoon) then informed us that she wasn't marketing to people IN the club. That's right. I mean, why try to convince people who are already working out and might be, you know, interested in an exercise class? Instead, Kristi felt she could tap into a whole new demographic by hauling in the man on the street. Yes, I'm sure that lawyer headed to court will decide to take an impromptu exercise class, despite having NO WORKOUT CLOTHES.

The guys seemed a bit more savvy when it came to marketing as they actually reined in people already working out in their gym (revolutionary!), but their biggest problem was dealing with Markus, who might have looked like Cameron Crowe but certainly did not have the same way with words. Basically, Markus talked. A lot. When The Donald called him up to get the team name (Excel, like the spreadsheet), Markus then babbled on and on about who knows what. Man, I love when the idiots rise to the surface immediately. Anyway, he spent so much time yapping away that even Trump had to turn to whoever was with him (Rhona possibly?) and say, "This guy talks a lot!" Incidentally, talking a lot is a FIFTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY.

Well, over on the women's side (Team Capital Edge, we learned -- hey, why no team-naming debates this season?), the exercise classes were a BIG hit. I mean, one class had three whole people! Talk about blockbuster business. Okay, okay, it wasn't very stellar, and to show how disappointed she was, Melissa huffed and puffed and talked shit to Carolyn. "Women always hate me, fine," she said. Um, you know, I think men probably hate you too. Something about that whole "annoying personality" really turns people off.

We then paused to see a closeup of a woman's ass on the treadmill (that was NBC's way of saying, "Greetings, male viewers!") and then we eventually returned to the women's side where a proud Marshawn announced, "I do think we're gonna win this one." So clearly, the men would be winning.

Ultimately, the final score was actually much closer than I thought it would be. Capital Edge (not to be confused with Capital One) pulled in $516 worth of business, but Excel, er, excelled with $527. Advantage: MEN. And their big reward? Lunch with The Donald at the Friar's club. Poor Randal wasn't able to go on account of his grandmother's passing, but Trump was kind enough to hook him up with a helicopter to attend the funeral. Awww. I love feel-good reality now!

We then cut to commercial and look who was waiting for us! Why, failed Apprentice 2 candidate Elizabeth Jarosz. A year ago, this woman was boasting about her highly successful career as the owner of a consultant firm and former employee of Proctor & Gamble. So what is she up to now? If you answered "shilling for Bally's in a stupid commercial," then you'd be correct. Then again, she probably earned more money from that dumb spot than I have over the past three years. Man, I hate her now.

When we returned from this auspicious commercial break, we saw the guys chowing down with The Donald in a relatively uninteresting scene. It was pretty much more of the same. Markus continued babbling, Trump laughed at him, and everyone enjoyed a lunch well-deserved. Back at the suite, however, the claws were coming out. Melissa cornered some teammate and said, "Unfortunately, the first task was led by Kristi. And unfortunately, I don't respect her." Wow, that IS unfortunate! I just can't believe how unfortunate that is. Excuse me while I soak in all the unfortunateness of it.

As for Kristi, we found her sitting in an empty Chinese restaurant, and -- oh wait, it was just the living room. Nevertheless, it was shaping up to be a battle royale, and sure enough, things got bloody real quick. Kristi and Melissa went at it, pausing only when Trump or Carolyn had some pointed question to ask. To be honest, it seemed as though Kristi was going down fairly quickly, considering the awful marketing campaign she had launched. "Who came up with this idea?" asked Carolyn, holding up one of the XXX handouts. Oh, you know she HATES that! Melissa was quick to pour on the criticism as well: "You're loud, you're obnoxious, you're poor, and you're weak." Now tell us how you really feel, Melissa.

Luckily, Melissa had an ally in Alla, the ex-stripper, who was surprisingly very astute and articulate in her arguments. She explained that since Melissa wasn't at 100% on the task, she could have cost the team that one sale it needed to beat the guys. Props to Alla. It was such a good point that even The Donald gave his signature "good point" head nod. Nevertheless, in a repeat of last year's Stacy incident, all the women ganged up on Melissa, but in this case, it actually seemed deserved. I mean, this lady was an idiot. "The only reason I had negativity... is because she gets under my skin," Melissa explained. So it was her fault that you couldn't deal with her?

Ultimately, Kristi requested to only bring one person back with her to the Boardroom, and unsurprisingly, she chose Melissa. It was a bold move; after all, she now had increased her chances of being fired from one in three to one in two. But then again, all she really needed to do was shut her mouth and let Melissa dig a hole for herself. And that's exactly what she did.

"The reality is that I don't work well with women because they're always intimidated by me," asserted Melissa. Yes, being a moron can be very intimidating.

Well, this statement obviously prickled Carolyn, who asked how Melissa intimidated the other girls. "Because I'm beautiful, I'm smart, I'm competitive," Melissa bragged with a glorious air of self-delusion. Of course, Carolyn then asked the question which was on everyone's minds: "Do you have a shot at this if you can't work for women?" Ummmmm.... [crickets]

Technically, Kristi did have a the bigger screw-up of the episode, but this Melissa bitch was too ridiculous. As much as I would have liked to have seen her spread her words of idiocy around the Boardroom for a few more weeks, she had to go. And sure enough, she did. Trump fired her with his finger-gun (R.I.P. cobra hand), causing Kristi to smile like the cat that ate the canary. Well, she had better wipe that grin off her face. "You should not be proud of yourself because you did not do well," reprimanded Trump. Yeowch! The Donald with the surprise post-firing attack! This is why he's the one and only, people.

Now, all this was fun and everything, but let's keep it real. The best part of the entire show happened in the closing minutes as we got to see what the season had in store for us. It was all the usual: yelling, fighting, scampering, Trump saying "Lam-boor-gee-nee," and... CAROLYN IN CHARGE OF THE BOARDROOM??? WHAAA??

YES! Pre-emptive BEST APPRENTICE EPISODE EVER!

What did you think about the premiere?

Posted by at 11:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (51)

By FauxMichael

One never knows what one will run into at a Hollywood party, but one thing is certain: free booze. To put it mildly, I had my share, so only now am I really gathering my thoughts. I'm not sure how exactly to go about this and still successfully plug my new website YAYsports! so I think a bullet-point list will have to do.

A full rundown after the jump...

1. I happened to get shuttled over to the party from the hotel with the Sovereign Six, which was a lot of fun. There was much laughing about how the Nerd Herd wasn't speaking to each other, this person was mad at that person, etc. The S6, meanwhile, got along great. Howie was the star of the show on the ride over -- everyone was entertained, and he's exactly like you'd expect him to be from watching on TV.
2. More Howie: in the middle of all of this, my older brother called me to tell me he and his wife were having a baby. Howie grabbed my ass literally as my bro was telling me and I said "That's awesome!" I'm 98% sure Howie thinks I'm gay now.
3. I was determined to get pictures with each of the nerds and with the help of B-Side was successful. Jennifer was first. It was fairly uneventful, but I have a Jennifer story from earlier. Before the party, the cast was asked to sign a bunch of promotional groupshots I assume they'll be auctioned for hurricane people or something. Anyway, the entire time, she was pouting and rolling her eyes. She was like a machine: sign, pout, roll; sign, pout, roll; sign, pout, roll. Amazing.

Dumb.
4. April was next, and I showered her with false praise, which was my favorite thing to do to these people. I let her know I was shocked that they played that footage of her calling everyone in America shitty or whatever she said, and I was sure she didnt mean it. She thanked me and gave me the classic "I dont even remember saying that!" I'm going to use that in my upcoming libel trial -- apparently in Texas not remembering doing something makes it all okay.
5. I want to get you something about everyone, so here's a quick rundown on people I didn't interact with much. Maggie -- boring. Maggie's parents -- nice, boring. James and Sarah -- really cool, I just didnt spend much time with them. Rachel -- same thing. Ivette and Beau were both very nice, and yes, Tush is HOT. Kaysar and Janelle were both swamped all night. Michael is awesome to hang out with -- very fun, very energetic. I met John Henson, who used to do Talk Soup on E!. I have no idea what he's doing now, but I told him I love it, 'cause that's how one does things out here.

Awww... Maggie and her dad have the same purse!
6. There's a great picture out there of me and Marcellas, who was a super-nice guy. He asked me if I wanted to meet Gretchen -- at this point I was pretty drunk, and just said really simply, "Nah, not really." She was standing right next to him. One of many times I would stick my foot in my mouth.

FauxMichael embraces Marcellas. No love for Gretchen though.
7. My first Eric experience was fairly early in the evening. I met him over by the catering set-up (which was excellent, btw). I told him I was his biggest fan and couldn't stand that scumbag Kaysar. His wife was really appreciative and said that he really needs any fans he can get. Little did she know I had written a blog which got 82% of its content out of calling him a dwarf.

Little side note about the caterers. One of them was convinced I was an actor from some sitcom, so I went ahead and ran with it. He's currently scouring his cable menu for some show called "Manson House" on the WB.

8. The second Eric encounter was much later on, and honestly it was the last thing I truly remember about the night, because he was so pissed off. This was either because he had to leave early the next day, because I told him a few times Michael is a great guy, or because I kept touching his head and going "Oooh it's so smooth, man." The pic on TVgasm's wrap-up really doesnt do the whole thing justice, because the look on my face in that picture is something like this.
9. One of the personal highlights for me was meeting producer Arnold Shapiro. Here's about how it went:

   FauxMichael, double-fisting beers, stumbles up to Shapiro.

   FauxMichael: Dude, I can so fix your show!

   Shapiro: Huh?

   FauxMichael: You need a day where like you put everyone in monkey suits and then like they have to act like gorillas all day or they lose all their points!

   Shapiro: Huh?

   Long, awkward silence.

   FauxMichael: All right, I'll talk to you later, man.

   FauxMichael leaves.

   If someone can explain to me how I got it in my head that BB6 has some sort of point system, I'd appreciate it. Also, if there's a gorilla-suit day on BB7 (which they announced has been picked up!), I'm going on the offensive.

10. Apparently I called my mom at 5 in the morning to tell her that Janelle is hot. She was like "Thanks, I figured you were in jail or something." Of course, I was in jail, but I didnt want to tell her that, so I said a simple and lovely "bbbblllllllaaaaarrrrgghghhh!" and hung up.

All in all, it was a fine evening, and you can be assured the fine people at TVgasm aren't nearly the degenerates as I am. In conclusion, go read my new website YAYsports!

B-Side adds: FauxMichael is so modest. He almost didn't mention that this happened too:

Posted by at 2:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (34)

• It's official. John O'Hurley won the dance-off. Best two out of three? [E! Online]


• Great news for sitcoms. Everybody Hates Chris had a huge premiere, beating out Joey and The OC. Lesson learned: if you make it funny, they will come. [E! Online]


• And on the other end of the spectrum, Head Cases gets cancelled. Adam Goldberg + sitcom? Yeah, we saw that coming from miles away. [AP]


• Desperate Housewives returns to the airwaves on Sunday. Commence the backlash. [USA Today]


• Maybe the best sitcom news of all? The next season of Curb Your Enthusiasm premieres Sunday night. So much TV, so little time... [AP]

Posted by at 4:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

America's Next Top Model Cycle 5 started out with a bang this week when Tyra and company introduced us to our new set of wannabe divas. I like selection shows as much as the next guy, but unless it is your first time watching a particular series, you pretty much know how things are going to go. The real magic begins when people start living together and they have to compete. To some, using the word compete with the word modeling doesn't make any sense, but any fan of the show will tell you that the competition is as fierce as you can imagine.

One of the reasons why ANTM is such a great show comes from some of those modeling paradoxes mere mortals like myself cannot hope to understand. We saw a lot of people get cut yesterday, some of whom we thought should have stayed. Likewise, we saw a lot of people make it who we thought were hideous, and I was not shy about stating my reservations about some. The thing is that it doesn't matter what we think, it is what the camera sees that makes all the difference, and that is really what the judges are trying to anticipate with their selections. We also have to wait for the makeovers to see what professional makeup and styling will do for the complexion. But all of that can be discussed later. For now, we have to find these ladies a place to live.

Continuing on the Beverly Hills theme, the girls all piled in front of City Hall in front of the "scenic" entrance that is on Crescent between Santa Monica Boulevard and Santa Monica Boulevard. I know I have mentioned it before the there are two Santa Monica Boulevards in Los Angeles that run parallel to each other from just east of the 405 through Beverly Hills. I remind everybody because it is still one of the dumbest things I can ever imagine. A close second is that there is a Harvard, Yale, and Princeton street in every neighborhood in Los Angeles. There is even a Bowdoin (which people pronounce Bow-doyne) and a Hobart, but no Dartmouth. WTF is up with that?

I would like to know what people think when they first think of Beverly Hills. If you said "Star Tours," you are right in line with the ANTM producers. All of the girls piled into a double decker tour bus for a private tour of the homes of the stars. And if you don't think it could get any better than that, they also exhumed Robin Leach, who is now about as cool as that guy who dresses up in stockings and says "Welcome to Beverly Hills" in 100 different languages.

The girls were as surprised to see Robin Leach as I was, but seemed excited when Robin said that they would have a champagne toast. It became a little less exciting when Robin said that the girls would only get apple cider. I will give a little shout to Lisa who took hers straight from the bottle. With instincts like that, you know she has to be quite the party girl. That didn't stop some people from trying to be a party pooper, and by some people, I mean Cassandra. When she saw Lisa put her lips to the bottle, she went on about how she was raised proper like, and she was sorry for people who weren't. You can already tell she is going to be a huge bitch. I am not sure why she was complaining, it's not like she was swigging some Bollinger Grand Anne 1973, it was grape juice. I hope that Lisa gets an actual bottle of champagne and breaks it over Cassandra's head and we can christen her the HMS Stupid Bitch.

These star tours are such a rip-off. I have also mentioned it before, but there is no reason to take them or to buy one of those maps they sell every thirty feet on Sunset. There are tons of nice homes in Beverly Hills. How do you know where Tom Cruise lives? You are never going to see them, so if the tour guide says "this is Tom Cruise's house," you won't be able to call him or her out. It seemed as if Robin was giving them a tour, but I think they just drove up Beverly to their new house and they added the Leachmeister's narration after the fact.

Oh that's right, I said they drove up to their new house. Last season we had the model loft, and this season we have the model Beverly Hills mansion. Everybody rushed in and they shrieked because of all the pictures on the wall of the past contestants, and as an added bonus, the house was set up like a department store. There was a section for bags, belts, tops, bottoms, and yes, shoes. Everybody quickly picked up their rooms. It's funny to see which people think they are going to best friends. I am still Pink Positive 4EVR , BTW.

The girls have a little bit of time to spend in the house, and we get a little bit more from open-minded Cassandra, who is complaining about how dirty things are. Because you know back on the plantation, her mammy would never let so much as a crumb disturb her delicate and genteel sensibilities. Then again, I do love that accent. A more interesting conversation was taking place next to the pool where Kim was hosting her own little version of "Inside the Lesbian's Studio." Somebody asked if she was "full on" lesbian, which I guess means they might have thought it was a phase. I would definitely say that Kim is more Ellen than Anne Heche. We learned from Kim that she has an open relationship, but she won't touch guys. She doesn't care if her girlfriend kisses guys, just as long as she is still hot to trot when Kim gets back to New York. We'll be asking sg-dub to investigate that right away.

Our first Tyra mail of the season tells girls to see how much they are worth and tells them to be ready by 4 PM. This year, the girls are traveling in style. It looks like Fred Durst had an estate sale because the ModelMobile is a stretch Excursion limo dressed to the nines in all things America's Next Top Model. If I can get a case of that ANTM water, I will definitely do a giveaway. The girls drive into Hollywood where they pull up for their first moments as real models in their own fashion show packed with real celebrities and real people from the industry. It's ballsy to have the divas do this so early because OMFG did you see them walking?

Inside the nightclub, the girls were told about their challenges, and for this first one, they had to do their own makeup. Everybody grabbed some CoverGirl, and ran towards the mirrors, but a few people had some problems. First, Bre said she doesn't wear makeup, so she didn't really know what would look good. She kept it simple with some eyeliner and a few other basics and managed to get by.

Kim, on the other hand, had a real problem. She didn't wear makeup, and she literally didn't know how to put it on. You would think that if you signed up for a model show, you might try and practice. It's like any other reality show. You learn to read a map for Amazing Race, you learn to read a map for Survivor, and you learn how to get drunk for Real World. Still, I did feel bad for her because NOBODY would help. She practically had to beg for assistance. Even her own roommate, Ashley, who was hugging her and saying how she just knew they would be friends earlier in the episode, didn't lift a finger. Finally, Ebony had some pity on her and helped her out, but it goes to show you what the competition is like when it starts to matter.

When I said the stars came out, I have to mention that we got our first shot of Nigel Barker, who had to decide between going to the runway show and watching the premiere of "Wallace and Gromit: the Curse of the Were Rabbit." While I am not positive that those characters are molded after Nigel's head, I am pretty sure and so we call him Chicken Run. No celebrity runway show would be complete without a celebrity MC, so Nate Dogg was there to do the honors. I had spent about thirty minutes writing some lyrics to the tune of "Regulate" that I thought were really funny, but alas, I didn't save it somehow. I am a jerk. What I do remember is that I started it with "Model-lators...Mount up!" Eh, just pretend it was funny.

To summarize, they have their first real challenge, they have to do their own makeup, and there are celebrities present. Anything else that we can think of to complicate things? Why yes, they made the runway criss cross. While that's not like it was under water like the Cycle 4 finale, it was reminiscent of the Cycle 3 finale in Japan with the difficult crazy runway box. If people forgot where to go, they might bump into each other. This is high-level stuff for newbies to the runway. Milan wasn't built in a day, folks!

There really wasn't anything that remarkable to this show. We were supposed to have each model represent a different mood or attitude like edgy, trendy, regal, etc. and the girls were told to take their cues from the way that Nate Dogg was reading as they walked out. The problem with that genius plan is that Nate Dogg read everything in monotone voice and so the girls responded with about as much excitement as the fashion shows I was forced to give whenever my grandmother gave me a new sweater. Walk in, walk out, repeat, don't cry. Nobody had room to practice their walks in the back, so the results under the lights were horrible.

The whole time you are watching this thing, the only thing you can think of is, "Will Sarah fall again?!?!" Sure enough, she takes one step off, and does a little stumble. She sort of recovers, but the only way she can walk in high heels is decidedly unsexy. A lot of girls were just as bad and didn't know what they were doing, so it kind of took some of the pressure off Sarah. I think Kim has a unique look and there is just something oddly seductive and yet innocent about her face, but they really picked an awful dress for her. She doesn't have curves, but just didn't know how to wear the dress, and she made it worse by trying to vamp it with a sultry look that wasn't her. But she was saved by Sarah, who fell AGAIN. Again, if you are going to audition for a modeling show, why not buy some stilettos and practice walking around a little bit?

With that disaster in the books, Jay labels it the worst fashion show he has ever done, and sends the girls on their way. Perhaps the producers were trying not to show a lot of drunkenness this year, but there was no party scene between Jay sending them home and when they got back to their limo. We had a mention of how they took the party on the road, but we were wondering when they had a chance to party because I don't think they were drinking during the show, although they were at Mood, so I am not surprised that they would all be blitzed when they left.

In what was perhaps the best scene of the night, things really started to get a little crazy on the ride back in the limo. Sarah was really stressed out over her performance and probably knew that she was going home. So hey, she's got nothing to lose. She sort of half-joked about making out with Kim earlier, and she decided that she would go through with it. I am not one to spooge just because two girls are kissing, but this was pretty hot. Sarah just dove in and went at it, and although Kim had said she wouldn't make out with anybody while she was away from her girlfriend, there was nothing she could do but respond. Drunk, wet, and sloppy, like all good make out sessions should be. Pleased with her performance, Kim shouted "One down! Eleven to go!" Oh yes, Kim. Oh yes.

Sarah's surprising behavior got everybody to talking, and Lisa and Ebony were talking about how multilayered everybody's personalities were. Some were multilayered, and some were just scary. I really don’t want to bash Cassandra at every change possible, but she just makes it too easy. The girls were asking her why she didn't show emotion. I can understand where this was coming from, as I am on the surface an emotion-free type of guy; people think I am pissed off and angry all the time, which I assure you I am not. I like to call it stoic. Cassandra is more than just stoic, she is crazy. When asked about her apparent lack of feeling, she gave an example. You know how sociopaths don't feel emotions? She said she was exactly like that except she hasn't killed anybody. I forget who her roommates are, but I hope they sleep with one eye open, gripping their pillow tight.

The next day we had our first photo shoot. Once again, the judges piled on the difficulty right away. First they throw them at the runway, and now they are going to have them suspended in they air for their photo shoots. Part of taking a good picture, from a model's standpoint, is the way that the understand the camera, the angles, the eyes, and how everything is going to look if you move your neck this way or you flex your leg that way. Our possible top models don't know about any of this is if they were sitting still. Now they were going to be in a harness, hoisted into the air, and sliding down a guide wire, all while trying to pose. That's pretty brutal, but maybe the judges wanted to see what natural talent people had before they were coached.

The theme was a model superhero, with photographer Michael Ruiz. Everybody had their makeup on, and then they were strapped in and flew through the air. A lot of people had difficulty controlling their body. Jay would give them a pose and while some would get it, some would sort of jerk around like they were hit with a caddle prod.

Kim once again had a difficult time. Again, she has a great look, but is going to need to learn how to be a model quickly. She was discouraged with her performance and said she really sucked. Her best friend Ashley didn't really encourage her as much as she agreed with her like she wanted Kim to go home. Shit, with friends like these, who needs straight men?

The only person with a real problem over the harness was Coryn, who was scared of heights. One thing I do like so far about this season is that, at least early on, there are not a huge amount of whiners like we had last season. OK, maybe it was mainly Brandy who was bitching, but all of the models tried really hard to get the job done and were at least trying to work with the photographer

At the end of the shoot, Jay was really happy with the results, at least compared to the fashion show the day before. There were still some problem spots, but at least there was a hint of potential. It is too early to name my favorites, as none has captivated me early on like Naima (sighhhh), but here are my favorite pics from this week. Kyle, Nik, Jayla, and Cassandra:

It's time for our first elimination and there is really a huge change this year. How many people out there are like me and sing along as Tyra describes the prizes. Well, in the middle of my little Tyra karaoke, we learned that there was a new prize. Not only would there be a photo shoot Mr. Ben-Simone himself, but there would be a cover of elle girl magazine. Maybe all of the other winners made it onto the cover, and I never noticed, but I think this was the first time it was announced, or at least announced this early.

Other big changes on the judging panel were the disappearance of Nolé Merron and Janice Dickinson, both of whom are great personalities and really worked on the show. Janice was always great at being really cruel and telling it like it is. Nolé wasn't always as mean but he was just as blunt. Then again, half of the pleasure of watching Nolé was seeing his dog, and the dog hasn't made an appearance in a while, so I guess there could be a change. In place of the others we had Jay Alexander, who is very funny and can be mean, but doesn't carry the authority that his predecessors had. He did have a huge corsage of flowers. One flower for each girl, and one flower would fall off each week. Jay Alexander LOVES symbolic metaphors. The big addition was that of Twiggy, who will likely go down in history as much more influential than Janice Dickinson and has also managed to age gracefully. Sure she's had some surgery, but it's not the complete bolt job that Janice has all over the place.

The judges proceeded to critique each girl in front of the others, first with their runway work and then with their pictures. On the runway, the judges had a lot of good to say about Lisa and Cassandra, but nobody really blew them away. There were a lot of people who were really off. Bre stomped in a way that Twiggy called a horse trot. I hope she can do better than that, because I am sure Janice would have had something great. We'll give her time. Like I said earlier, Kim had a bad walk. The judges told her that she can't try to be feminine because it is not her. She was there because of the masculinity and she has to try and work with what comes natural and have the confidence that it is OK. The same thing goes for Sarah and her falls. They weren't upset so much with the trips as the fact she made everybody in the room notice how much it bothered her.

Overall, there was really not that many antics for the judges. Twiggy and Jay got into it a little bit when she dared say that there was more than one man (Nigel Barker) at the table. Tyra did a good job mocking Nik and her headbob down the runway and Jay was OK describing Jayla scratching herself all over like she wanted to bathe in Gold Bond, but overall pretty tame.

The judging came down to Sarah and Ashley. Waa? Ashley you say? She didn't mess up, she wasn't really busted. Why would she be there? Sarah we undertstand, but why Ashley? Ashley was up there because of her attitude. When she first came before the judges, she said that her family has a pretty gene, and from that point on she acted as if it was a pretty face that was all she was needed. Her runway was alright, her photo wasn't bad, but was she just a pretty face?

Since I have been going in depth about all the debate surrounding Ashley, you probably have already figured out that Ashley was the one that was going home. I would have to say that it was quite a surprise. The judges did say that they were looking for palettes that they could work with, and not somebody who thought they knew it all, but even though Sarah was modest, she has a lot of things to fix. It wasn't necessarily her face, because the camera liked her lips and her eyes, but her presence and just about everything else is still a work in progress.

Sarah was not the only one who showed up better in pictures than one would expect, as Lisa's picture was much better than I would have ever imagined. The camera loves her angles. Give me another week before I name my favorites, but I think Jayla, Kyle, and Bre are going to go far. Next week is the makeover episode, and from the previews, Cassandra is going to get her head chopped - well, at least her hair will be chopped, but we can always hope.

Did Ashley deserve to go home? Who do you think will last? Who needs a makeover pronto?

Posted by at 3:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)

We last left our hero Michael Scofield feeling pretty smug about himself. He'd just broken through his cell wall undetected and his escape plan was coming together nicely. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to him, the evil Secret Service agents - at the behest of the evil Granny in her Montana hideaway (The UnaGranny?) - had secured a transfer request for Michael. This would, of course, foil all of his ridiculous plans. So, it made perfect sense to open this week's episode with a flashback of Michael getting a lame tattoo that said, "English, Fitz, Percy." I'm sure this would make absolute perfect sense later on, like Enter From Pothole or some such convolution. I'm waiting for Michael to start singing "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme," because that means, of course, "PASsAGE by the ROSE bushes gives me more TiME." Wouldn't surprise me a bit.

As always, there were several different story lines woven throughout the show, making my job somewhat difficult. So bear with me... Warden Pope, the world's nicest maximum security prison warden, figured into this episode almost as much as Michael. He first appeared arguing with the Secret Service punks about Michael's transfer. You see, the Warden really needs his Popsicle stick Taj Mahal completed and Michael is the only one capable of doing so. The warden didn't suffer 3 months of brain freezes and green tongues for nothing - there was no way he was going to let Michael leave his prison. So the Secret Service guys (I'd abbreviate them "SS guys," but even bigger asshats already used that abbreviation in the past) revealed their trump card: Blackmail. The government men had some photos and documents from 1989 in Toledo, which caused Warden Pope to turn sheet-white. We know that Mrs. Pope knows about Toledo, but apparently not the whole story - the one with the dead kid. Let's hope there was no sex involved. Although that would shut up the Oz crowd who continue to complain about Prison Break.

Out in the yard, with the prisoners at recess (again), Michael, Abruzzi, and Sucre were able to create circumstances to gain some alone time in a warehouse. Amazingly, death row inmate Lincoln was also able to break a shovel at the same time and join the boys. Not only was he holding an obviously deadly weapon, he was free to roam into the warehouse as well. The NHL doesn't even allow on-ice players to hold broken lumber for more than a second. I expected Lincoln to get at least 2 minutes in the penalty box. He didn't, and the four would-be escapees discussed the current situation in private. Abruzzi and Sucre were getting antsy but Michael held them all together with the cryptic question, "English, Fitz, or Percy - which one to take out?!" Just then, Michael removed his shirt to reveal not his giant tattoo, but a Frank Gorshin (RIP) Riddler unitard. ZOW! BLAM! POW!

That last bit didn't actually happen, but Michael was greeted with a real zow-blam-pow moment when he returned to his cell. Warden Pope was keeping it real, sitting on the can in there with a hangdog look on his face. The blackmail had worked and Pope held in his hands the transfer papers for Michael to be shipped off to Statesville Prison the next morning. Faced with such a ruinous situation, Michael reached for that last hope of all hardened criminals: sympathetic compassion. "But Warden," Michael whined, "Lincoln Burroughs is my brother and I love him and I want to be near him for his final three weeks of life and don't I have just the prettiest blue eyes...� He almost got him with that last bit, but Pope was adamant - the transfer request was out of his hands and he couldn't do anything about it. Speaking of his blue eyes, in a flashback sequence with Michael and Lincoln as youngsters, the kid they cast as a five year old had dark brown eyes. Didn't they know that half their audience is horny women who find Wentworth Miller attractive - especially his piercing stare? I'm being silly, I know, but the casting director really blew it with this kid.

Outside the prison, the brothers' lawyer Veronica was meeting with Nick, the idealistic Project Justice do-gooder. They were reviewing the tape of Lincoln murdering the Vice President's brother and the evidence was pretty cut and dry. There was Lincoln, walking across the parking garage with a gun, shooting the gun, and then rifling through the glove compartment. If Nick weren’t just trying to get into Veronica's pants, he'd have given up right there. But, as we all know, men will pretty much do anything to score so he continued to pretend to care. He saw what he viewed as some inconsistencies on the tape like how the walking angles and gunshot recoil were "off." Fortunately, Nick knew "a guy" who could do some forensic video analysis. Sounds like a job for "(a) Comic Book Guy."

Over at Fox Run Prison, Michael and Abruzzi were still arguing over "English, Fitz, or Percy." Who were these guys and why were Michael and Abruzzi arguing about them? Jazz drummers? Cat breeders? The real names of J-Unit, B-Side, and sg-dub? Fed up with Abruzzi, Michael cornered Westmoreland and asked him how he could gum up the legal works and at least delay his transfer. Apparently a prisoner can do so, via an "interloculotory injunction" (or something). So that's what Michael did - he injuncted his interloculotory and Bellick delivered it to Warden Pope. According to Westmoreland, this legal motion could tie up his transfer for months, if not years. Satisfied, Michael returned to his cell to make his first attempt at walking his escape route through the bowels of the prison. Before slipping behind the toilet, Sucre hung laundry to hide the hole. Once through the wall, Michael was able to freely walk down the catwalk behind all the cells. No wonder our prisons are so overcrowded - there was a ton of wasted space behind the back of the cells. Next week on Extreme Makeover Prison Edition, Ty Pennington builds 700 new cells behind the old ones allowing 1400 more prisoners to live at Fox Run! (And then Teabag's thugs shove Ty's megaphone so far up his ass that when he farts, you can hear it in Cleveland! Extreme!)

As Michael continued to explore his future escape route, Abruzzi and his band of ne'er-do-wells were walking out in the yard. Then, suddenly, they attacked a guard and punched him out. I wondered... Was this guard's name English, Fitz, or Percy? The show didn't divulge that, but in the melee that ensued after the attack, someone was able to press a piece of pliable foam over a key on the guard’s keychain to create a mold. Wow, that was quite a trick. We all know prison guards like to have gigantic key chains dangling from their sides with enough keys on it to give them scoliosis. How this guy, in the heat of a pig pile, was able to mold one key in particular is beyond me - but what do I know? I wouldn't mind a mold of Alicia Keys, I suppose - and I'd be willing to wrestle her if necessary. Abruzzi secreted away the little foam mold and no one was aware of the deed (Back in his cell, his roomie melted a My Pretty Pony hairbrush handle down to fill the mold and voila, a perfect hard plastic key). Michael, still creepy crawling through the inner workings of the prison, was about to turn back to his cell when - oh my! A janitor appeared to enjoy a quick smoke break. Instead of the Riddler, now it was time for Michael to display his Spiderman skills as he silently and invisibly climbed up above and wedged himself in the ceiling directly above the smoking janitor. Michael was visibly nervous and scared of getting caught - his sweat beaded on his forehead and face and the acrid cigarette smoke swirled into his nostrils. At that point, Prison Break got all CSI on our asses as the camera zoomed in on one bead of Michael-sweat and then followed it in slow motion through the air and down towards the janitor's head, and...

... It just missed as he stubbed out his butt and went back to work. Phew. Imagine if that shit was in 3-D? That would have been totally awesome! After that close call, Michael scampered back into his cell and declared that he knew how to escape to the roof. (Still no clue as to how he'll get Lincoln and Abruzzi out, but it's a long season, folks.) Meanwhile, Veronica and Nick were viewing the surveillance tape with "the guy" who was amazed at the quality of video tampering. The video itself was clean but the sound signatures were amiss. The gunshot was "dead" and had no oscillations on his little gunshot-oscillation-o-meter thing. Unfortunately, as this wasn't the original tape, "the guy" would refuse to testify on the stand regarding his findings. No problem - Veronica and Nick would just go to the police evidence locker and score the original. No problem at all. Concurrently, the world's nicest warden was shooting the breeze with convicted armed robber Michael while the two discussed Michael's legal ploy. The warden knew he was full of crap but didn't care - Michael was churning out a totally badass Popsicle stick Taj Mahal and as this was the greatest anniversary gift he'd ever be giving his wife, he was more than willing to be complicit - blackmail or not. And when I say "complicit," I mean COM-PLI-CIT." Michael convinced Pope that he needed to hold a just-glued-in support stick because of the axial force blah, blah, blah. But Pope had to go home for no particular reason. What to do... What to do... Oh, I know, how about leave that convicted armed robber in the office alone? Surrrrrrre, that makes sense. And that's just what Pope did.

Of course, the second Pope left, Michael let go of the all-important Popsicle support beam and switched shoes with the warden's freshly shined ones. Then he switched the ledger books in the safe and stole the checks before returning to his cell, escaped behind the giant poster, crawled through the sewer pipe, beckoned the gods during a thunderstorm, buried money in a stone wall, then spirited away to Mexico to await his friend Morgan Freeman for a couple years. Oh... Wait. I accidentally changed channels to TBS and saw that scene for the 6,802nd time they've shown it in the last few years. Michael DID poke around the office a bit, checked on the secretary who was busy with some Jungle Fever, and then used the plastic key to unlock a door from the other side. So yeah, that guy who made the mold was DAMN good. Who knows what Michael was up to, but I'm sure it had something to do with a y'know, Prison Break. By the way, it was 5:05 (without the cool tick-tock tick-tock of 24).

Pope returned home and greeted his wife with a loving kiss. He didn't seem to have any pressing business so one must really question why he left the convicted armed robber back in his office. I thought Pope just wanted to get laid and that's why he "had" to leave, but unfortunately for him, it was Secret Servicis Interruptus as those two jerkoffs were lounging in his study. They put the screws on Pope about his Toledo transgressions. (But really, who hasn't had a few of them in that town? I mean, what else is there to do in Toledo other than transgress?) Pope countered that he had to follow the legal protocol of the interloculotory injunction, but the Service guys weren't hearing it. The Toledo incident involved a dead kid and Pope had something to do with it - something that could sink his whole career and life. We later learned the dead kid was Pope's son and he chose his 2nd (and current) wife over the kid and - oh who cares. The Secret Service had him by the balls and as a result, Pope shredded Michael's legal request and the transfer was definitely going to go through. Oh well, this was a good show while it lasted.

Over at the ever-lax Fox Run Prison, Michael sauntered back to his cell and entered just before the gates closed. Is that how prison works? You have to scurry back into your cell? Unaccompanied? Anyhow, once in the cell, Michael immediately checked is watch (5:15 tick-tock tick-tock) and removed the toilet. Was this it? He was going to escape now?! Apparently - as he wound his way up to the roof and surveyed the scene. Downstairs, it was bed check time and Bellick was only a few cells away! Being a veteran TV watcher, I knew that Michael would magically appear in his bed by the time it mattered, but the tension was still enjoyable. Bellick bellowed the prisoner's names, "Rose! Hill! Check. Chamerda! Borgatti! Check." "Sucre! Scofield! Scofield! Scofield!" Wow, he didn't appear in his bed as we all thought he would. Well done, Prison Break, well done. Sucre looked as though he was going to shit his pants, but kept his yap shut. Bellick yelled, "We got a runner!" and then tweeted on his little Boy Scout whistle like a lifeguard at a kiddie pool. It THAT how it's done? Man, that was weak. Club kids blow their candy whistles louder than Bellick during an escape. Which reminds me, Bellick could really use a good roll, if you know what I'm saying.

Michael was still up on the prison roof, doing his best Gollum/Smeagol impression to escape the glare of the searchlights. He then simply sat and smiled and checked his watch and noted the road in front of him. It wasn't Percy Road... It wasn't English Street... But it WAS Fitz Street! Aha! Mystery solved, even if it was totally dumb. The writers are really stretching out this whole cryptic tattoo clues thing. I still like that angle, I just wish it were cleverer than it is. Smeagol/Michael then hopped around a bit more, never too concerned that there was a full-on search for him going on all around. He just kept happily checking his watch and smiling. Warden Pope was now back at the prison with Tommy Lee Jones, who commanded his troops to, "Search every courthouse, every henhouse and every outhouse." Oops, the TV changed to USA that time instead of TBS. Sorry about that. Anyway, as Pope and Bellick rushed to the warden’s office to plan the search, they opened the door and – there was Michael magically behind the Taj Mahal! Maybe he had built a Star Trek transporter Mahal! This show rules! Actually, remember that plastic key he inserted previously? Well, he did that to escape out the back door of the office, getting back to his cell, and then broke out of his cell, to the roof, then back through some ductwork into the warden’s office. Slick. He played dumb and was escorted back to his cell.

My precious

Let’s not forget about Veronica and Nick, our intrepid investigators. They made their way down to the police station to get their hands on the original surveillance tape. Too bad for them that a Kathy Bates look-alike (but uglier!) stymied their efforts and then told them that, “A freak accident flooded that evidence room, destroying the original anyway.� Goddamn these Secret Service guys! The two returned to her apartment to find her door ajar, but nothing seemingly amiss. But lo, their copy of the tape was missing from its super secret hiding spot. GodDAMN these Secret Service guys! Or was it Nick all along? Duhn-dunh-dunnnnhhhh.

The high from Michael’s successful test run was quickly scuttled when the warden broke the news that his transfer was still going to happen the very next morning. So Michael and Sucre reminisced about the escape that would have been, and in a very sweet moment, Michael left Sucre one of his origami ducks and gave him a good screw. The bench screw from the premiere episode, you sick bastard. Then Bellick escorted Michael – ever so slowly – out the door and down the road to the prison gate. A maudlin acoustic song began playing about “Brothers� and all the prisoners lined up to watch Michael go. Geez, you’d think no one ever got transferred before. Warden Pope gazed upon the sad scene from his office several floors above and then, just as our handsome hero was about to get on the bus, Pope appeared by his side and nixed the transfer. I guess he figured out how to use the Taj Ma-Transporter too.

Finally, as we’ve come to expect now at the end of every show, we were whisked off to bucolic Montana where the evil garlic/pepper-chopping old bag lives. She was on the phone in the kitchen again, expressing her extreme displeasure with the Secret Service agents and their foiled plans. (For the record, she has apparently finished making her giant salad and was now grabbing some bottled water from the fridge this week.) She stated, “It’s time to stop beating around the bush and go after the bush.� Her attempt at turning a clever phrase didn’t work for the nefarious duo so she spelled it out a bit more clearly: “Have Lincoln killed before his date with the electric chair.�

Then she went outside and yelled “Tatonka O-Wa-Chee� before hopping on her horse and chasing down some buffalo with Kevin Costner.

Damn, TNT that time. Won't happen again, I promise.

Posted by at 3:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

Earlier in this most disturbing of The Surreal Life seasons, I shouldered the difficult task of recapping an episode that featured mentally and physically challenged kids. How to make that funny, without making fun of the kids? Looking back, that was a piece of cake compared the mess that's airing this week on VH1. Sure, the newest episode is rife with slurs, baseless accusations, tales of stabbings and gunshots, creepy Balki crying jags, and a backyard barbeque - that stuff I can handle. But incestuous pedophilia? Mamma Mia. The hardest part is that it involved The World's First Supermodel, Janice Dickinson, who has rapidly risen to be one of the most contemptible and detestable pieces of crap to ever appear on my television. Luckily (for me), equally contemptible and detestable piece of crap Omarosa was also prominently featured - and she's only the victim of seven stabbings and gunshots and an unfortunate lantern jaw malformation.

That's right, in this episode, Omarosa revealed that she's been stabbed seven times. And shot at. But I'll get to that in a minute. The show began right where last week's left off: Omarosa threatening to leave and continuing to call Janice a "crack whore bitch" and every other possible variant of that insult. Gee, ya think Trump was watching and reconsidering his decision to "fire" her? I mean, she is so professional and well-spoken and diplomatic. I'm actually now enjoying the mental picture of The Donald sitting in his cushy leather recliner, martini in hand and ascot in place, watching this show on VH1. "Carolyn, George - get in here. Get this Balki guy on the phone. He's really showing me something here."

As mentioned, the show opened with Omarosa pacing around, flapping her ample gums, and packing up to leave. By this point in the day, the other cast members (remember them?) had had their fill of the bullshit and began admitting as much. Caprice, in her best Madonna-faux-British accent, lamented, "This has just been ex-hous-ting." It wasn't even close to a good British accent. Hell, she made Kevin Costner in Robin Hood look like Mr. Pickwick in Piccadilly Circus ordering some fish 'n' chips. While wearing a top hat. Carey Hart summed up the Omarosa/Janice situation best, saying, "It's two people having a power struggle over TV time."

Omarosa half agreed (out loud) with Carey, telling Pepa, "Janice is very clever - she knows how to make good TV." In other words, Omarosa, you're not clever and you make bad TV. Now that's an idea with which I fully agree. Pepa, who was hearing out Omarosa at this point, looked tired and bored with the day's events. So Omarosa did what any over-the-top reality whore would do: Turn up the sympathy knob. Now, I have no idea if the following statements from the horse's mouth are true, and I can only hope they are not. I can't help but remind everyone of former Surreal Life cast member Vanilla Ice and some eerily similar comments he made in the past. Out of nowhere, Omarosa screeched, "I have been stabbed seven times in my life. I could show you so many stab wounds on my body... I've been stabbed, I've been shot at, and I can't sleep at night with that psychopath in the same house."

"i feel so bad for your kids, i really do"

Phew. If true, that's awful. If not, then Omarosa just moved a notch below Janice on the contemptible scale (this will be a photo finish at the end). Again, I recall Vanilla Ice telling the world that he was "from the streets," and had been stabbed. He went on to say, "I have scars, man." Did Omarosa study Mr. Ice's tactics and simply emulate them? Who knows... But remember this is the same hardened woman from the streets who was out of commission for 3 days after a weightless piece of microscopic wallboard grazed her huge head. Seven stabbings, I'd think, would have most certainly done her in. For what it's worth, the entire cast agreed that Omarosa was overreacting to "The Knife Incident" and that there was no way she would leave the house - lest she lose some TV face time.

And that was wonderful because Omarosa fully expected her five mates to rally behind her and intervene to stop her from leaving the house. Instead, Carey Hart decided to pop a couple Rolling Rocks (budget problems, VH1?) and BBQ in the backyard - completely ignoring Omarosa's foolishness. While Carey was preparing to cook, Janice sashayed through the kitchen and declared, "It was a joke!" Okay, I get it. Ha frigging ha. Tensions were still high though, as Caprice simply couldn't get over it. Balki, being Balki, said to Caprice, "The tension is turning me on. Just kidding." Boy, a real bunch of comedians in the house this season. Oh Ron Jeremy, where art thou? The jokes continued over Carey's dinner on the patio when Jose summed up what he learned from the whole incident, "Never argue with a girl." Huh, you'd think he'd have learned that a few years ago when he wound up in jail for doing just that. Oh well, steroids apparently shrink the brain as well as the balls. Finishing up the comedy portion of this decidedly unfunny episode, Janet quipped (in response to Jose), "Well, Omarosa's not a girl, she's a man. I've seen her naked." Oh my. That could be worse than being stabbed seven times. In fact, I'd think that if I were in Janice's shoes, I'd welcome seven stabbings - to each eyeball. (Did I really just make light of being stabbed seven times? Sigh...)

What happened next, though, even I can't make light of. While the gang (sans Omarosa, who was pacing around inside trying to decide her next camera-hogging move) were discussing Janice's book ("a cautionary tale," says she) I suffered what can only be described as an "anti-TVgasm." One-upping Omarosa's seven stabbing tale of woe, Janice blurted out, "My father was a pedophile. He was a monster who had sex with me at the age of seven." The only sound was that of everyone's jaws hitting the table. We all agree that Janice sucks - fine. But man, that's a tough one. Nothing funny about that. Of course, right after her admission, Omarosa slithered outside (in her dumbass baseball-uniform-with-giant-pink-slippers outfit - and a thick layer of clown makeup) and heard the words "Omarosa" and "pedophile" come from Janice's mouth. With such a poor context to frame her thoughts, Omarosa started right back up again, "I feel so bad for your kids, I really do. You must be a horrible mother to them. You are a horrible mother, your children are so damaged because of you." Can I use the C-word here?

To her credit - or, more likely, as a result of being physically and emotionally drained - Janice simply ignored the wench and left the table. She departed with a hearty, "F*ck you and goodnight, eat a bag of dicks, you f*ckin bitch." I was hoping the other five housemates would also just leave Omarosa and ignore her, but Balki stepped up and told her that Janice just confessed about her horrible childhood and that the quote that was misinterpreted was, "I was molested by a pedophile, so Omarosa doesn't faze me." Instead of recoiling in shock and horror at this, Omarosa laughed her hyena laugh and said, "At least she has drugs to turn to." She kept laughing off the situation (or, it seemed, Surreal Life editors slipped in some cackles to make her look worse) and seemed not to care a whit about Janice's plight. Fed up with the Apprentice Bitch, Balki scurried inside to deal with the Top Model Bitch. He felt he should apologize to Janice for... for... I don't know, he just wanted to comfort her. He's such a douche, he was probably (again) just trying to get in her pants, but let's hope not.

Janice opened up to Balki and spewed forth more details about the abuse she suffered at the hands of her father. Balki, fully unaware of the "strong shoulder to cry on" archetype heshould have been trying to affect, began bawling like a little girl. Well, a little girl with a really nasty yarmulke bald spot. What a mess - two losers on a creepy reality show crying their eyes out about an incestuous abuse story. I had to pause the TiVo, step outside, and take a long deep breath of fresh air. Unfortunately, when I stepped out my front door, I witnessed a cute chipmunk get run over by a car, and then the kitten that came over to investigate got flattened by a truck. Man, this episode SUCKED!

After I eased back into my chair, Janice continued to exorcise her demons - now screaming at Balki. "My dad was a monster and raped me at seven and would have killed me but then he couldn't have sex with me so he beat me! Do you get that, ok?!" [Hearty sobs from Balki.] "I went to the parochial school and the nuns beat me! Do you get that, ok?!" [Even heartier Balki sobs - and a quizzical look from your recapper.] "My mom was useless, she just popped pills, ok!" [Full on hysterical Balki crying. It was weird.] "That's why I can't be groped or touched or mauled! Do you get it?!" [Balki, now realizing that last comment was directed with a laser beam on him, cried even harder.] Janice left off the caveat, "Except when I'm drunk or high, but let's not worry about that tonight." She did say, "I've developed an acerbic wit to fend off a monster, do you get it?!" For the record, my acerbic wit did not come about after any familial sexual abuse as a child. I developed it to talk my way out of the neighborhood beatings I would be faced with as a result of my, um, acerbic wit.

After Pepa noted that the emotional scene was "Foreezzi," Omarosa appeared again to secure her spot in the C word hall of fame (North Dakota's top tourist attraction). With Janice pouring her cold, black heart out, Omarosa continued to walk by the room muttering, "Crack whore!" And, "Say no to drugs!" And, "Crackhead!" There was one final little scene of Omarosa whining some more - most likely because she'd been upstaged - and basically reiterating that she had no compassion for Janice at all. Balki gave up his room allowing Janice to sleep alone in peace and Jose summed up the day stating, "How many more nightmarish days do we have in here?"

Dude, I hear you... I hear you.

Posted by at 3:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (40)

Last year, we regaled you with stories of the Big Brother 5 wrap party. It was great, except the lack of a camera really put the kibotch on our style. This year, however, we decided to go full force. Yes, we have exclusive pictures from inside the Big Brother 6 wrap party, featuring every single cast member and then some (sorry, no Julie Chen). With the help of our usual accomplices as well as newbies FauxMichael (the fake Michael Donnellan blogger) and RealMichael (also known as Michael from BB6), we were able to catch some noteworthy photos, and dare I say, some shots you won't find anywhere else on the internet. J-Unit will have the full analysis, but for now, check out the photos...

Okay people. Here's the deal. Early on, Madeyoulaugh came up with the idea that we had to get a picture of Jennifer with all of us rolling our eyes. Unfortunately, by the time I found Jen, Madeyoulaugh and J-Unit had left the party at this point; so it was only up to me. Luckily, FauxMichael and I had become fast friends and was happy to step up with this plan. Here's the thing though. Jennifer was the only one out of everyone we took pictures of that wanted to see how it came out. So when I rolled my eyes, I then had to come up with a stupid lie. "Oops, I was looking at that tree," I said, and because she's Jennifer, she actually believed me. Because honestly, who looks up at the trees during a photo? Anyway, we took another "real" photo afterwards, but funny, I seem to have deleted it...

And that's it. Possibly more photos to come...

Posted by at 12:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (63)

Well, TVgasm was on a little bit of a field trip last night, so my recap of The OC is going to come on Saturday, and some of your other favorites may be delayed as well. I didn't want to leave people hanging, so I thought that I would try and make up for it by giving away a boxed set of The OC: Season 2 on DVD. And because TVgasm loves our readers so much, we might as well give away three! I also get to use "Giveaway Spectacular" in the title, and it has this ring to it that I absolutely love.

The only thing you have to do to enter is send an e-mail to contests@tvgasm.com with the subject "OC Giveaway". I do want people to put a little thought into it, so please include your favorite moment from Season 2 in the body of your message. Winners will still be drawn at random, so don't fret about it too much. It can be funny, sad, dramatic (good luck finding one!), whatever you want; it's up to you. Because this is a popular giveaway and I want as many people to have a chance as possible, we will take entries until October 25th, and I will announce the winners during that week's recap of The OC. BTW, I haven't seen yesterday's episode, so please limit your comments to how awesome you think TVgasm is for giving this stuff away and try to hold off on the spoilers.

If you can't wait for the contest to end, you can own it on DVD, and be sure to check out the official site to find out more about what is included on the DVD, including the gag reel, which we affectionately refer to as episodes 1 through 24. If you want to know about other WB TV and movie releases, you can get the scoop here. And to answer a question, we can only send DVDs to the United States and Canada. (Sorry slud.)

Say Hey! if you love TVgasm!

Posted by at 9:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I have a confession to make: I went into the new The Apprentice: Martha Stewart with lower expectations than most. I'm not a Martha hater but after the last season of Trump's Apprentice, I had soured on the show and its concept. Now that I've seen the premiere of Martha's version, I can happily admit I was wrong. I really enjoyed the show - so much so that afterwards I celebrated by whipping up some fresh homemade cream sauce in honor of Martha. And then I cleaned up and went to the kitchen to cook something as well.

The show opened with a quick and dirty review of Martha's rise to the top from her humble beginnings. On one hand, dear Martha is to be admired for her work ethic and business acumen. On the other, she's a bit infamous for being a heavy-handed bitch - and let's not forget that she married rich which certainly helped her at the beginning of her ascent. Another proven tactic was displayed right off the bat; in her review of her life, Martha bragged (rightfully) that she had become one of the most "prestigious and well known brands." Except in Martha-speak, the second syllable of "prestigious" is a short, clipped 'i' vowel sound, rather than the long 'e' sound we all say. As ever, she's not incorrect in her ways, just better than you. (She also says "herbs" without making the 'h' silent. I love that - and I'll watch the whole season hoping to hear it on her Apprentice.)

Martha went on to mention her 1997 contract with Kmart (hardly prestigious or "presteegious") and how she borrowed 85 million dollars to buy back her own name brand and magazine. At this she stated, "I then became the first self-made billionaire woman in the world, and that felt really good." No doubt - now how do I go about borrowing 85 mill? Is there a form to fill out online? Martha did mention her prison term, referred to herself in the 3rd person, and even had a phony little "important phone call from important place" vignette a la The Donald himself. At that, a silly platitude about first impressions being important, I pumped my fist and knew that Mark Burnett was treating this show as I'd hoped. That is, fully acknowledging the original with a playful nod towards some of its quirks.

Now fully versed on Marthistory, we rode along with Martha in her Lincoln Navigator through the streets of Manhattan on her way to work. "Dear Martha, Not only are gigantor SUV's economically and socially out of favor, but they are completely impractical for your commute into the city. Cordially, sg-dub." She parked and strode through the Martha Stewart Living offices while she narrated the rules and differences of her Apprentice. Essentially, Martha's looking for a "team player because that's the way we work here." She demonstrated the happy Living office attitude by stopping by some cubicles and pretending to make editorial decisions on the fly. "I love that, don't you? Except the logo is too small!" She cheerily made her way to her office and we were treated to her second special Martha pronunciation: "Candidates." But not "candidits" like we lowlifes say, but rather, "Candid-dates" like "Candid Camera" and, "Dates." Again, nothing wrong with that, per se, but god, it takes such effort to talk like that. And that's why we love Martha.

Every Rose Has a Thorn

The candiDATES trickled into the lobby and were greeted by Martha's Robin, an equally pretty and smiley woman named Julia. Now, finally, the show would begin in earnest. If you weren't excited by this point, the sped-up Eurythmics "Sweet Dreams" opening montage certainly did it for you. Not sure why that song was sped up, but it definitely was and I liked it. "Dear Martha, it's the little things, isn't it? Cordially, sg-dub." The candiDATES were quickly introduced and I was immediately struck by Carrie's 1987 Poison video teased up, blown out, and hair sprayed blond hair. I immediately disliked her - hey, Martha said that first impressions were very important, right? Also, this show has a guy named Howie! And he's handsome! No word yet on if he considers himself a Jedi or if he loves boobies or not, though. [Editor's note: That was a Big Brother 6 reference so if you didn't watch it or read the recaps, that made no sense. Also, if you didn't watch it or read the recaps, you missed out - big time.]

Martha greeted the candiDATES and brought them into the conference room - Martha's boardroom, if you will. I was struck by the decorating differences between Trump and Martha. Whereas Trump is Country Club meets Restoration Hardware meets a shitload of money, Martha's set was Space Station meets Dwell Magazine meets a shitload of money. And, for the record, I really liked it. (I'm a subscriber to Dwell since the premiere issue. Just thought I'd give you some insight into my oh-so secret personal life.) In the conference room, Martha introduced her two assistants, the younger woman and the older man. See, I liked that. "Dear Martha, I really like how you sort of pay homage to Trump's show with stuff like this, but it seemed to me that you had your tongue in your perfectly rosy cheek about it too. Cordially, sg-dub." The younger woman was Alexis Stewart, Martha's lesbian daughter. What? She's not gay? Actually, I knew that but since someone would have made that comment on this blog, I thought I'd get it out of the way up front. For the record, she looks like Olympic swimmer Dara Torres - which is certainly not an insult.

Then Martha introduced the fake George. His name is Charles Koppelman and he is on Martha's Board of Directors and he is, of course, an old, rich, white guy. He has a background in the music industry and in his words, he's worked with everyone from Babs Streisand to Tracy Chapman. Wow, what a wide breadth of music. I thought he would say Cannibal Corpse as his second example, but no such luck. That's like saying, "I watch a ton of reality TV! Everything from Trump's Apprentice to Martha's Apprentice!" Another good thing the show did right off the bat was to acknowledge the rumors that one of Martha's people had a prior relationship with one of the candiDATES. It turns out that George -er, Charles, knows Bethenny. This was supposedly a scandal before the show aired but the show didn't exactly hide it. Bethenny, who reminds me of the little girl in "The Ring," knows Charles' daughter and actually dated his son. Later, when this was brought up in the loft, the question, "Does anyone feel threatened by that?" was posed. This was greeted with several hearty (and assuredly phony) "No's," and that was that.

So Charles is a standup guy and Alexis is not a lesbian and everyone loves everyone. But not so fast - remember the "first impressions" thing? Yeah, well, my first impression of Charles is that he's a tool. From the get-go, he held an unlit cigar in his hand as a prop. Does George need a prop? Nooooooooo. Conclusion: Charles has a small penis.

After the introductory meeting, the 16 MarthApprentices made their way over to their loft to get to know each other. They all marveled at the living space as if they expected less. Which reminds me, The Real World would be cooler if they put them up in a doublewide at some point. Anyway, the first order of business was for the group to divide themselves into two teams of eight which again elicited surprise for some reason. People, your loft was going to be beautiful and you knew you would be divided into teams... Why the wide eyed and open mouthed surprise? Early standout candiDATES included Shawn, who must be Suze Orman's twin sister. There was also Jeff who sounded and acted like a prick. I also immediately realized that Martha's WASP nature trickled down to the casting directors, as the only flavor present in the bunch was Vietnamese Jennifer. And something tells me she's not exactly going to be "keeping it real," as it were. For shame, Martha, for shame. (Then again, another notorious story about her is her mistreatment of her Latino staff, so maybe she's just showing her true, ahem, colors.)

The gang peaceably divided themselves along a creative types vs. business types battle line. The creatives named themselves "Matchstick" and the others became, "Primarius." I immediately dreamt of them joining forces with each other to create a Super Apprentice a la the Transformers (Optimus Primarius), but no such luck. The aforementioned Jeff named himself Project Manager of Matchstick and Dawna would lead Primarius. (Oi, a Dawn, a Shawn, and a Dawna. This should be fun.) Some jerk named Jim then had some face time saying, "You don't control my actions, I control your actions." Then he made some terribly unfunny jokes and immediately leapt to the front of the "Most hated off the bat" race.

The next morning, a chipper Martha called the loft and instructed everyone to meet her in the lobby of Random House at 8AM. Martha would meet them there after finishing up some work at her house and a meeting at the publisher's. By my calculations this meant the phone call came at roughly 3 AM - work some, then the horrible commute into the city, then a meeting, then makeup and hair - all by 8AM? Martha is incredible indeed. Charles and Alexis joined their boss and laid out the first challenge. Each team would choose a classic fairy tale, illustrate it, make a physical book, read it to first graders and be judged by both the kids and the publishing giant. Yay! Not another marketing campaign challenge! "Dear Martha, please limit the Trumpish marketing challenges, as they got really, really boring last year. Cordially, sg-dub."

I thought Suze Orman was already rich

The teams retreated to private rooms and began brainstorming. Primarius quickly chose "Jack and the Giant Beanstalk," and set out to get a focus group together, as business types are inclined to do. Jeff, as head of Matchstick, ruled with an iron fist. They would do "Hansel and Gretel," and they would do it his way. Dawn, a writer, would write the book and no one could question anything. Nice guy, this Jeff. Due to the lengthy intro for the premiere, the actual creative process was completely glossed over. In a blink of an eye, both teams had their finished stories and we got our first earful of the results. Matchstick's Hansel and Gretel was the stuff of child psychologist’s nightmares. The protagonists hated their names, changed them, snuck out of the house, littered, and trusted strangers. When some Matchstick men (and women) voiced their concerns over this dark and creepy version, Jeff told them to, "Shut up." He liked the rhyming tale and he was going to roll with it, logic be damned.

The Primarius crew gathered a little group of kids and Howie gave a sweet reading of their updated "Beanstalk." The kids seemed to enjoy both the story and Howie, so it was off to the printers. Meanwhile, Primarius's leader Jeff was issuing Primarius Directives. "Dawn, you will read. You will not sit down with the kids, you will stand. We don't need a likable reader to the kids, we need you to be a powerful presence to the executives. Listen to me, I don't care what you think. Shut up. I don't care what you're trying to do, you're failing. I'm going to go take a shower." To Dawn's credit, she held her ground and asked Jeff if he'd like to pick out her clothes as well. The other wimps on her team stood by in silence while this ogre berated little Dawn. "You, Shawn-Suze-Orman, you will read the book now. Dawn, you will do nothing." Jeff then stripped down to shower, revealing his lederhosen and nipple clamps, pulled out a cat-o-nine tails buttplug and forced Jim to flog him 11 times. "Mach Schnell!"

The presentation to the kids went smoothly for both teams, but Howie from the business type Primarius crew seemed to connect better than Shawn-Suze-Orman did. Immediately thereafter, the Random House judges met with Martha to make their decision. Straight from Downeast Maine, Chip from the publisher exclaimed, "Mah-tha, err-ah, we hahve chosen a winnah! Err-ah, the winnah is Primah-rius!" Not much of a surprise, as they did a cute rendition of the "Beanstalk" tale whereas Matchstick wrote an evil, unfunny, antiestablishment version of an already Grim(m) story.

As reward, Primarius enjoyed a sushi dinner with Martha prepared by some sushi master. In her first pure Martha moment, she informed us that the wasabi on the table was fresh and that it only grows under running water. "A wasabi farm is beautiful," she noted. Finally, a point in the show when Martha made us viewers feel inadequate for never visiting a true wasabi farm in Japan and receiving the VIP tour. Thanks Martha! Now I know my place.

Before the dreaded conference room session, Jeff was trying to sway his teammates to pick on Dawn. Why Dawn? Because she had the audacity to eat a banana before the first test reading of the horrible story. And for being negative towards Jeff's reign of terror and also towards his terrible story. Amazingly, Jeff had some support. In the conference room, Martha pointed out that the story was the main problem and began asking who was responsible. Project Manager Jeff called out Dawn, Dawn called out Jeff, Jim called out Jeff, and Bethenny called out Dawn, blah, blah, blah. Then it happened - the terrible Apprentice dub in! Yes, just like Trump's show, this one dubbed in Martha stating her piece and asking Jeff to pick two others to join him on the chopping block. He, of course, chose Jim and Dawn.

In deliberation, Charles said his pick to go was easy - Jeff. Alexis argued his point and was leaning towards Dawn. Oh Martha, what are you gonna do?! They called in the three and Jim, sounding like Dennis Leary for some reason, really ripped into Jeff. His reasoning was that Jeff was smarter and better equipped than Dawn, so he wanted him gone ASAP. Jeff countered saying that Jim is a hyper menace and a major distraction. Dawn escaped both men's wrath and then it was time for Martha to make her decision. "The story did not connect with kids and the message was off. Jeff, you just don't fit in... Goodbye."

Ugh, that was awful. It seems reality shows are now vying to have the worst possible catchphrase! Once outside the room, Jim whispered to Jeff, "Just business." Jeff shot back, "I'll look for your failing next week." Hey, that was pretty cool! Post eviction eviscerations! Why haven't any other shows ever thought of that? I hope this is a trend that continues in subsequent episodes. And then, just when you thought the show was over, Martha pulled out one last new wrinkle in an effort to separate herself at least a schmidge (Martha word!) from Trump.

She pulled out a piece of paper and pen and wrote Jeff a goodbye letter. "Dear Jeff, it is with heavy heart that I write this to you as you simply did not fit in." She actually wrote a full page letter to Jeff, apologizing and wishing him good luck in life. It was kind of like the end of the A Team and other Stephen J. Cannell shows when he wrote that letter and tossed if off his typewriter. Except this was even lamer. It did not, however, ruin what was an excellent premiere of Apprentice Martha Stewart.

Dear Martha,

My recap is now complete and while I know it is nowhere near your standards, I only hope that you can find something worthy of your beauty and brilliance within.

Cordially,

sg-dub.

Posted by at 3:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (31)

I have been anticipating the new season of America's Next Top Model for some time, and it couldn't have come on a better day. After lamenting all of the bad things that happened on Tuesday, everybody in the TVgasm offices, nay everybody in America, needed a pick me up. While some people were still hoping the find enjoyment out of some dirty box in a dirtier hole (we're not talking Janice Dickinson folks), a good portion of us were focusing on something entirely more entertaining. That's right, it was a TWO HOUR premiere episode of America's NextTop Model. I rarely ever get the privilege of recapping two hour premieres or finales, so that combined with my usual heightened state of arousal whenever Tyra enters the television screen makes it for one happy evening. It's so much stuff, I'll have to give it to you in two parts.

A lot of people have complained that a lot of the girls in the last few seasons of ANTM have not really been spectacular in the looks department. I tend to disagree, at least with the complaints. We are trying to find girls who will make for great television. Winning ANTM does not mean that the world will be forced to see that model everywhere they look. They still have to make it in the modeling industry to infect us any further than this show, so why do I care if they don't have a chance in hell of gracing the cover of Vogue? If you absolutely must find the next Kate Moss, do it the easy way. Buy some coke, find a trendy club, and hang out in the bathroom. After you send away Paris and her friends, somebody suitable will turn up.

Audition tapes are a given commodity these days in reality programming, and ANTM fits the bill. Personally, I really don't find these all that humorous. People record themselves and complain about: A) how nobody thought they were pretty when they were growing up B) how small their town is and how they want to experience new things C) how poor their family is and how it will change their life D) Some combination of the above. OK WE GET IT. It's not like they aren't going to all be catty bitches in the space of about 15 minutes. There was one good audition, and that was from Tyra herself, who sent along a fake audition tape. Hailing from Inglewood, she did a little dance and told Jay Alexander she'll show her a thing or two. Now that I think about it, Tyra's skit wasn't that funny either.

From the thousands and thousands of audition tapes that the producers receive, they whittle those numbers down to 36 semi-finalists who will be competing for one of the final thirteen slots for Cycle 5. As the girls start filing into LAX, I am already beginning to salivate. It is not that these girls are so gorgeous that I am getting hot and bothered. No, it's just that my anticipation is starting to grow now that we actually have heard some of these divas speak. So many people come from small towns and neighborhoods where they are all the most gorgeous people there. There are lots of people that we want to see go down, like Susanna. She says that she only has acquaintances, and no friends, but she doesn't care, well, OK, she sort of cares. She probably has no friends because she is one of those skinny bitches that always complains to her friends that she is too fat. They might like her, but DAMN, who can stand that shit all day?

This year the models are staying at the Beverly Hilton instead of at the Century Plaza in Century City. The Beverly Hilton is a nice place, but I would still say that the Beverly Hills Hotel and the Regent Beverly Wilshire are the cream of the crop, despite what Jay Manuel says. If you want to stay in Beverly Hills, the rooms are reasonable at the Hilton, and make sure that you check out Trader Vic's, a favorite destination for TVgasm Polynesian nights. (BTW, if you hate me talking about Los Angeles in recaps, DEAL WITH IT.)

With everybody all in one place, the girls finally get a chance to size each other up, and already people are really intimidated by how gorgeous everybody around them is. Again, I think people are intimidated because they don't have their mothers and high school boyfriends around to tell them how there is nobody else prettier than they are. Jay takes the girls down to the pool where they meet Jay Alexander. For those of you new to the show, Jay Manuel, or Mr. J, is the creative director of the show. He actually does a ton of the work because he coordinates all of the shoots (yes, the other producers obviously help) and is also the first level of feedback for all of the models. Since so many are inexperienced, he is often trying to simply avert disaster in half of the challenges. Jay Alexander, or Miss J, is a runway consultant and is responsible, among other things, for getting the girls to have a decent walk and generally look like models on the runway (if you are confused about the gender classification, it's easier to just not think about it). This season, Miss J is also a judge.

Right away the girls get down to the business of modeling. The Jays ask them to strike some poses, like supermodel sexy and supermodel edgy. All of their styles look exactly the same, and I think both of the Jays know this, but it is still fun. They then ask to do some supermodel styles like Linda Evangelista, Adriana Lima (mmm), Gisele Bundchen, and finally Tyra Banks. While they are all doing their fierce Tyra impressions, out comes Ms. Banks herself, looking like she dropped a few pounds since last season, and featuring straight hair. They all love Tyra and go absolutely ga-ga. I would make fun of them more, but I would also be transformed into a worthless pile of blubbering flesh if I were to meet her in person, so we'll ease off.

Now that Tyra is here, we can start the interviews. The interviews give us a taste of who will stay and who will go because you know they aren't going to spend a lot of time on girls that aren't going to make it to the first cut, but they do have to have a little misdirection so we have to keep on our toes. Some fo the highlights include:

• Brittany - I think they always need a Brittany, but lest we get confused, they all call this Brittany Bre. Bre is from Harlem and although she isn't embarrassed about growing up there, she feels that too many people from there think that they'll never be able to find something better and so they aren't interested in anything on the outside. That's all heartwarming, but what I want to hear about is why she sometimes forgets to take a bath. Maybe she is one of those people that don't really sweat or need deodorant, but damn, you at least need to shower. To see if she's serious, Miss J. takes a direct hit.

  
  Bre's got spunk and some funk.

• Kyle - She's from Dexter, Michigan and one of the many girls who are not well traveled. She works at Dairy Queen and has not ever met a lesbian. She looks like Jessica Simpson and thinks she will be better than other people because she hasn't been abused or has any kids. And if you couldn't tell, she says that she is very open-minded, unless, of course you have been abused or have any kids.
• Kim - The open lesbian from Wesleyan (as if THAT narrows it down at all). She has this androgynous masculine edge to her that is strangely appealing.
• Jayla - A cussing, fornicating, tobacco smoking Jehovah’s Witness. As Miss J says, she is on the Jehovah layaway plan. Buy now, pray later.
• Diane - The plus-sized Puerto Rican. If you like your curves, she has got all you need, plus a sassy attitude honed as a criminal defense investigator in the public defenders' office.
• Susanna - Remember that annoying bitch who said she had no friends? I am kind of sorry I made fun of her earlier. She's 19, has had breast cancer, and had a lumpectomy/mastectomy. It's tough to have cancer and have a mastectomy at any age, but as a teenager, it compounds body image issues already present. Unfortunately, she is skinny, has chicken legs, and walks like she is getting a chemotherapy suppository. On the bright side, her boobs are so small, you can't tell she had any work done. Yay cancer!

  

We had a few breaks to see how life was like for the girls living in the hotel. It's about like you would expect. While shopping, one girl, Nicole, was obsessed with Chapstick. We're not talking oh, I have to get some chapstick, please wait for me, but full on craziness. People were shopping for necessities, but if somebody didn't talk about chapstick, she would ask if they could get the chapstick. Nicole caused more problems back at the hotel when she said that she didn't like Top Ramen. She complained that she made it wrong and it tasted bad.

First of all, how do you mess up Top Ramen? Take hot water, pour into cup. It might taste bad because, well, it's all a bunch of chemicals made to taste like other food. Second of all, why do these girls have to survive on Top Ramen? You are paying for the hotel rooms, could you at least spring for some Chunky Soup? You can even put your mom in a commercial like Donovan McNabb (yes, I know it's not his real mom). I hope they at least got a chance to have that nice Sunday Brunch Buffet the Hilton puts on.

Anyway back to some more girls:

• Sarah - You know I love girls named Sarah, but man I may have to rethink that attitude. If you can sort of imagine Darryl Hannah wearing shoulder pads and with Angelina Jolie lips, you have Sarah. She is also from a small town and also doesn't know a lesbian. Not that she isn't, ummm, curious.

  

• Whitney - From Future Farmers of America. I wouldn't have mentioned her except the judges had Mr. J get on his hands and knees like a New Hampshire pig. A pig who sits on his haunches and busts a move. Also....Future Farmers of America?! Is there also a Future Teamsters of America? I hope they aren't getting tax money.
• Krystle - She says she wants to make money and help the UN. She hates materialism and shows it by her blinging belt and her Prada shoes.
• Coryn - from Minneapolis. Never knew her dad. Her mom is on drugs. Looks like the Bald Eagle from the Muppets.

  

• Ebony - I got four words for you! Don't Get It Twisted! (Accompanied with Z-snaps, of course)

The first cut took the girls down to twenty, and if it wasn't bad enough that your hopes were dashed, you were also given a chance to watch as the girls who made it practiced their walk down the runway. Sarah was easily the worst. Not only could she not walk in heels, but she it seemed that she was so down on herself, she was bound to fail. Kim was almost as bad, and when Jay said she looked like a man in a dress, the other Jay said a man in a dress wouldn't look that bad.

Everybody had a one on one with Tyra and we got to our final cut. Cassandra, Nik, Kyle, and Ashley were first to be called. No real surprises here, except when Ashley wondered "are you serious?" I thought it would have been awesome if Tyra said "Actually, that we weren't, go home bitch!", but that didn't happen. Next were Bre, Kim, and Sarah. Bre was no surprise, but I really thought they would leave Kim. She is cute, but disturbing, maybe because of her uncanny resemblance to Billy Joe of Green Day. And I love Sarahs, but DAMN the shoulders!

With six remaining, they called out Jayla, Coryn, and Nicole. Jayla has a nice alternative look, sort of like Norelle from a few seasons back, but not quite at that level. Coryn was a dark horse. I can't wait to see what the makeover people have to say about those eyebrows. Nicole starts crying. She was the oldest of her family and her mom thought her sister was much better. She had this feeling of disbelief that people would actually pick her for something. Now she is the pride and joy of all of Grand Forks, North Dakota. Quick! Get me a tissue!

Diane was next, proving the bigger the berry, the sweeter the juice. She does have a gorgeous face, but we'll see if she can last longer than Tocarra. Lisa was next, and I thought she should have been picked if only because she said that she was the jam of all the girls there, and who wouldn't want to butter their bread with her? Actually, I would call her butter, because she's on a roll! I'm sure you've NEVER heard that one. The last one picked was Ebony, Ms. Don't Get it Twisted. I was actually worried what would happen if she didn't make it. As soon as she saw Tyra by the pool on that first day, she ran up and hugged her. She is so obsessed with modeling, if she didn't have this validation, well, who knows what could have happened.

All of the losers start crying, and Tyra hugs them and tells them that although they weren't good enough for her, somebody might find something to do with them. But you know, don't let the door hit you on the way out. That's about it for the first hour. Watch for part two tomorrow or Saturday.

What did you think of the new batch of girls? Who is your favorite to win? (Keep in mind that the second half of the recap is coming soon.)

Posted by at 2:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (44)

• USA Today hates on Martha but loves Lost [USA Today via Yahoo]


• Speaking of which, The Apprentice: Martha Stewart disappoints in the ratings. That's not a good thing. [Reuters]


• Oh, and by the way, Nip/Tuck outperformed ABC, UPN, and The WB on Tuesday night. [Mediaweek]


• What we learned from TV this year: things with "Current" in the title just are not that interesting. Yes, A Current Affair has been cancelled. In its place: Geraldo At Large. Sometimes, I hate TV. [Mediaweek]


• Talk about "too post-postmodern," the Los Angeles Times analyzes the scary and ironic JetBlue ordeal of yesterday, as related to TV, of course. [Los Angeles Times]

Posted by at 2:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

OK everybody, we are about to embark on another season of what may be my favorite show ever. Last season saw some of the best writing and acting around, especially the pilot, the episode where we discovered Locke was wheelchair-bound before the crash, and the one where Boone and Locke find another downed plane. (Wow, Terry O'Quinn! Look at you sneaking up and becoming my favorite cast member!) Having said that, the show could also be disappointing when they weren't bringing their A-game. It threw clues and new mysteries at us left and right with essentially no payoff, and the writers will be hard pressed to provide answers to everything, especially answers that mesh. I mean, sure, there's polar bears living on this tropical island. And OK, there's a free-willed moving column of black smoke that tried to pull Locke underground. I can accept those things on their own, but I want to know how they fit together to explain what the hell is happening on this island.

Neither of these occurences were explained in the premiere last night, but I'm okay with that. Why? Well, check out the title of this post. Lost even managed to surprise me, the ultimate jaded viewer, with their revelation of what exactly was down the hatch. I think I had my first TVgasm last night.

So, because the opener was so good, I'm going to give you a stream of consciousness reaction to the first three minutes of the show: We hear beeping, and a man's eyes fly open. He walks over to this old, War Games-style computer. It's huge and clunky with a black screen, but it looks like he's sending an email from it. Maybe he just likes things retro, though, because his apartment has all this mid-century furniture and decor, but we can definitely see a brand-new washer and dryer and a fancy blender, so we know it's pretty close to present day. Now he's picking out a record to play on his tricked-out (as it were) old school stereo system. Is one of the characters a hipster? Maybe one of the other castaways is a music executive from Echo Park. Hee. Wait, is this Sawyer? They don't show his face but he's big and has longish hair. Must be Sawyer before the crash, then.

Actually, now I'm not so sure. This guy is way more ripped than Sawyer. Aaaaand now he's injecting himself with a big ol' helping of steroids. Sweet. So, professional athlete? Oops, earthquake! The whole house shakes, so he....WAIT A SECOND! Wait a damn second! Is this the hatch? Holy poop, I think it is! What?! The guy starts freaking out and running around. He changes into a snazzy uniform (which I can respect. If you're going to start shooting people, you may as well look good doing it), then grabs a gun and starts fiddling with dials on the walls. The lights go out, wall fixtures change direction, and we slowly pan up….to where Locke and Jack are staring into the dark hatch. Dudes. Somebody lives there. Not what I was expecting. And, may I say, a far better choice than any mystical nonsense they could have tried to throw at us.

Now, it occurs to me that some of you may be new to the show, or maybe just need a refesher course on last season. If not, just scroll down a few paragraphs. Here's a quick(ish) rundown on the main characters from last season: Jack is the reluctant leader of the group; he was given that responsibility mostly because he’s a doctor and seems pretty unflappable. He had gone to Australia to get his alcoholic father, who turned up dead - the body was on the plane, but only the empty coffin turned up after the crash, which led to Jack having visions of his father walking around the island for a while there. Sawyer is one of two anti-Jack characters. He's a hothead and is Jack's competition for the affections of Kate, who is perhaps the worst character ever written for primetime television. Nothing redeeming about her. She's also a murderer and a bank robber, which means she has more in common with Sawyer (a con man) than Jack.

Locke is Jack's other competition; here it's for the loyalty of the castaways. While Jack wants to be pragmatic about keeping people safe and trying to get off the island, Locke believes in destiny and says the island chose them to come. He would believe that, as where he was once confined to a wheelchair, he regained the ability to walk when the plane crashed (it's still a mystery why he was paralyzed - he was NOT paralyzed from the kidney donation surgery he had for his long-lost manipulative biological father; if you try to offer that theory in the forums or comments section you will feel my verbal fury). Let's see, who else? Jin and Sun are a mafia couple from Korea whose backstory at this point isn't as interesting as everyone else's, but we can forgive them because they are two of the prettiest people ever put on god's green earth. Oh, and Jin doesn't speak any English. He left on the raft at the end of last season with Sawyer and Michael and Walt, the father-son duo who were reunited for the first time since Walt was a baby, when his mom died. He was kidnapped off the raft by The Others, and it was very sad. The Others have some sort of obsession with children.

Walt had left his golden retriever Vincent on the island (Vincent might be some sort of magic doggy) in the care of Shannon, a spoiled princess basketcase whose step-brother/secret lover Boone died last season. Now she's taken up with Sayid, a deeply conflicted Iraqi solider who is one of the most useful castaways. He knows all about radio transmissions and codes and stuff. He was kidnapped briefly by Rousseau, a crazy murderous French woman who's been on the island for 16 years. She's into kidnapping, as she also stole the baby of Claire, the pretty Australian single mom who was also kidnapped while pregnant, though she doesn't remember anything about it (like I said, The Others have a thing about kids). Charlie, a heroin-addict has-been rock star, is in deep like with Claire, and has become friends with Hurley, a lottery winner who is the most likely culprit for causing the crash (if you want to go that route), since he won the lottery using the numbers 4 8 15 16 23 42 that are all over the island, and his life has been hell ever since. Finally, there's Ana Lucia, who we only saw once, in a flashback to the airport bar with Jack. She was to be seated in the back of the plane, and we haven't seen her on the island yet. She's a regular cast member now and it's easy enough to find out what her role will be, but for those of you who like the suspense I won't go into it until she makes an appearance again.

Dang, that was longer than I meant it to be, but trust me, that's the bare bones plot summary. OK, on to the show!

Jack and Locke (along with Kate and Hurley) of course have no idea yet of what’s going on in the hatch. They have enough to deal with up top, anyway. Hurley is in full freak-out mode, muttering the number sequence and talking about the “hole of death,” etc. Jack and Locke are ignoring him, the better to start fighting immediately. Locke is what you might call impulsive, and wants to go down the hatch right away, even though it’s the middle of the night. Jack argues in favor of going back to camp to let the other castaways know what’s going on. Kate says something irrelevant, per usual.

It’s flashback time! New viewers, this is something you’ll want to get used to. Lots of flashbacks going on in Lost. At least they seem to have done away with the Thoughtful Look of Impending Flashback that we’d see last season every time a castaway starting thinking about the past.

Anyway, back to Jack’s flashback, where he’s in the ER—oh, check out that hair! That has got to be a shout out to Party of Five. That is some hilarious mid-‘90s coiffage right here. OK seriously, on with the show. Two people are being rushed into the ER after a car accident. We know intuitively that the woman is Jack’s future wife, who we've seen in flashbacks before; he's apparently divorced now. The new tidbit we learn here is that he made a definitive choice to save her life over the life of the other driver. There’s no real reason given, though there is a slight hint that Jack is a dirty hippie when he asks about “the driver of the SUV” before he lets him die.

Back in camp, Charlie is telling people that Rousseau is nutters and there’s no reason to be afraid of “The Others” she keeps going on about, since they can’t possibly exist. Shannon is running around freaking out; she already managed to lose Vincent the dog. She and Sayid run off into the jungle and spot Vincent, but get separated as they run after him. Alone, Shannon starts to hear the whispering voices that a few others, including Sayid, have already heard. I don’t think we’re supposed to be able to hear exactly what they’re saying, but I personally have really bad hearing. Did any of you manage to hear something distinct?

Shannon turns around, and standing behind her is a completely drenched Walt. Now, there’s no way that kid escaped four adults on a boat, so this does not bode well for him. No dead kids! I can't handle it! He just stands there and shushes Shannon, and then whispers something. Again, I have bad hearing, but I think he says something like “there’s no one going through,” but his mouth doesn’t match the words. When Sayid runs up, Walt disappears. I really hope he isn’t dead. I mean, what other option is there, really, but that makes me very sad. Walt was a nice little kid, and it wasn’t his fault he had some sort of mystical powers that could kill animals and crash planes…Hm. Might have to rethink that.

Back at the hatch, Jack and Locke are arguing again, some more. Turns out the hatch had the word “quarantine” stenciled on it. Jack makes fun of Locke’s belief in destiny, and Locke laughs at Hurley’s overwhelming terror. Then he corrects Kate’s grammar. You know, I’ve been viewing Locke as kind of a scary-devil-guru-type guy, but I’ve decided to change tacks—he’s just a harmless old grandpa, looking for a little adventure. This is a fun new way to think about him.

In the other direction, Hurley tells Jack about the numbers, and how he won the lottery with them and they’re cursed. We already knew that his grandpa died and his house caught fire, and here we get to learn about a new catastrophe that befell him: “The chicken joint that I worked at got hit by a meteor….well…actually, a meteorite.” Oh, Hurley, you are a ball of humorous sunshine. He even got Jack to laugh!

Nevertheless, Hurley feels that Jack wasn’t sufficiently sympathetic to his plight, and tells him to work on his bedside manner. Which of course leads to a flashback, where Jack tells his future lady that she’ll probably never walk again. She’s all, “…oh,” because really, what else can you say; then Jack’s dad (also a doctor, at the same hospital) calls him out for being kind of a dick to the patients. That’s enough of that, back to the island!

Shannon is telling the gathered crowd about seeing Walt, and there is much murmuring amongst the extras. Then Jack et. al. show up and tell the crowd about the hatch, and there is more murmuring. I would have to say that if there is a weak spot in this episode, it’s the crowd scenes. I know they’re hard to pull off, but hearing five minutes straight of “rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb” got pretty old. But then I was happy again when I realized Sayid and Shannon were passing the time with a friendly little ‘fro competition.

Locke approaches the group with a line of cable he got from the crash site. He’s going into the hatch, and he’s going now, Jack’s leadership be damned! Ooh, Jack is pissed. This is the first overt insubordination he’s been faced with, and now Mr. Reluctant Hero isn’t sure how to take it. And when Kate decides to go with Lock, Jack gets kind of sulky. Locke decides that he’ll belay Kate down the hatch first, since she’s smaller. Hopefully he’s trying to kill her, too.

Locke’s hands get all torn up as he lowers Kate down. In all fairness, it’s quite clear that he doesn’t have any nefarious plans for her. He stops the rope when she screams and asks if she’s OK. And for the first time, I had a feeling for Kate that wasn’t sheer hatred, since the actress actually managed to look scared rather than just vaguely bored and pretty. Looks like someone’s been taking some acting classes!

Right when Kate’s about to get to the bottom, the lights coming up from the bottom of the hatch turn off. From the top, Locke calls out to her, but instead of a reply a huge beam of light shoots out of the hatch. Once again, Locke really does try to save Kate by pulling up the rope, but something much stronger than him is pulling the rope from below. The skin on his hands is ripping off, and eventually he collapses.

Now I don’t think Jack and Kate have any sort of cosmic connection, but all of a sudden he’s rushing off to the hatch. Maybe it’s Jack and Locke that have the connection? When he sees that they’ve disappeared, he heads down after them. This leads to a flashback, where Jack is running stairs in a stadium at night. Another guy comes charging up behind him. Slap my ass and call me Sally, I do believe it’s the man from the hatch. Same hair, same body type. Jack stumbles and the man comes over to help him. He looks like a pumped-up Pee-Wee Herman. He also has an accent, Scottish or Welsh or something that American girls will find sexy. “See you in another life, yeah?” he says as he runs off. Oooh, foreshadowing!

Back in the hatch, Jack is venturing in deeper with the flashlight in one hand and his gun in another. He sees a pair of boots and starts to really freak out. I'm not sure why it's the boots, of all things, that give him the shakes. The mural on the wall isn’t helping either. It seems like it's new; there's paint jars on a table beneath it. I could make out a sun with ‘108’ written on it it, and a woman who I bet is Rousseau. There’s also an arrow pointing upwards, a ’42,’ some small houses, and the word ‘sick.’ There a lot more, obviously, but that’s all I could make out.

There’s also some sort of magnetic force down there, that attracts the key Jack keeps on a string around his neck. You guys, I can NOT do justice to how creepy this is. Just as Jack discovers a mirror on the wall that is tracking his movements, “Make Your Own Kind of Music” by Cass Elliot starts blasting. I have chills! I love it when happy songs are used to creep people out; I don’t know why exactly but there’s something really effective about it.

Jack stumbles into the control center of the hatch. There’s even more cheesy-looking equipment in there, recorders and enormous computers and whatnot. Just as he’s about to type something into the computer, Locke steps in and orders him not to. Did Locke know the whole time?! No, it’s not what you think! There’s a gun to Locke’s head! And sure enough, the man holding it is the guy from the stadium. It’s unclear whether the crazy guy recognizes Jack, but Jack sure recognizes him.

I realize now that there wasn't much to say about the middle half-hour of the show. Not much happened other than a little more backstory on Jack, and the Walt apparition, but the beginning and end MADE this episode. What did you all think? Were you as surpised as I was by an actual human living in the hatch? Do you like the direction this is headed? Also, if anyone has any theories as to what Walt said to Shannon, I'd love to hear them. But please, no spoilers. My esteemed colleague EdHill will be taking next week's recap, and we'll be alternating throughout the season. Let the comments speculation commence!

Posted by Kat at 12:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (94)

I just watched a screener of Everybody Hates Chris, premiering tonight on UPN (in case you missed the three billion billboards and ads everywhere), and honestly, I loved it.

Now that I've overhyped it and probably ruined the entire experience, let me explain.

All summer long, the critics have been buzzing about this show. Best new show of the fall, they said. Yeah, yeah, yeah, what else is new? Then Madeyoulaugh IMed me last week and echoed their sentiments. I went from intrigued to actively curious. So I finally got my hands on an advance copy of the show (which really is not that hard considering the pilot came with the latest Entertainment Weekly, I believe) and watched it.

My faith in the sitcom has been restored.

This show was both funny (for real funny, not lowered post-Joey standards funny) and heartfelt. The comedy was sharp, the emotion sincere (not sentimental), and the casting perfect.

Of course, UPN was ever so kind to schedule this on the busiest hour of the week. The show faces stiff competition from every single network, even The WB. CBS has Survivor, Fox has The OC, ABC has Alias, The WB has Smallville, and NBC has Joey (okay, maybe NBC is a bit of a no-show). My only humble request is that people somehow find this series. We need comedy. We need fresh voices. Everybody Hates Chris has both.

And if you've seen it, what do you think? Have I over-hyped it? Or done it justice?

Posted by at 3:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (17)

First off, let me say the response to last week's recap was nothing short of amazing. (For me, at least.) I received more comments than I have for any of my RAW recaps. (Maybe more than all my RAW recaps combined, but since I'm about as good at math as Johnny Fairplay is at staying sober not shitting in other people's beds, I'll never know for sure.) And with very few exceptions, most were pretty positive. And for that, I say thanks. For those who weren't quite as fond of my recap, I only wish you could look past my online persona to see the real me, the true copygodd, and accept me for who I am: someone who likes to make fun of people on TV. That said, let's get on to changing lives. To inspiring nations. To recapping The Biggest Loser...

After a brief recap of last week's inaction, tonight's episode starts off with a "Temptation" challenge. The contestants are led to another food-filled room. At each person's seat is a letter from home and a silver platter full of their favorite foodstuffs. The challenge? "If You Eat It, You Can Read It." Shannon tells the camera, "the first thing I saw was my daughter's handwriting. Instantly, I wanted to... eat." Not really. The first thing she wanted to do was see what was inside, but to do so, she'd have to eat. Talk about a real Sophie's Choice.

The contestants have fifteen minutes to decide which they'd rather do: eat and read, or not eat and not read. Mark is totally egging on the girls, trying to get them to crack. (This last joke yolk brought to you by the American Egg Board.) Jen tells everyone the cards probably say something like "if you're reading this, I'm really pissed at you." Dammit Jen, that was going to be my joke. Now I'm really pissed at you. The show's producers try to build some drama by playing music reminiscent of Chariots of Fire, but they don't have much luck, because instead of inspirational footage of men running down the beach, we get shots of fat people sitting around in a room full of food. Fifteen minutes elapse, and everybody has held strong. Bob tells us having temptations like this in the house is good for them, because it helps prepare them for temptations they'll face outside the house. I only wish Bob had been there that time my parents made me choose between eating and opening a package from Ted Kaczynski. Thanks a lot, mom and dad.

Next, Bob tries to deliver an inspirational message to his team, in his own inimitable Bob-logic. In essence, it goes something like this: In order to lose weight, you have to eat. Wait, where have I heard that mode of thinking before? Oh yeah, on The Daily Show: In order to save the Iraqis, we must first kill the Iraqis. Guess Bob's logic is more imitable than I thought. In addition to being mad at Bob's unlogic, the team's also mad at Kathryn for not making her sprained ankle heal fast enough. If only Margaret from Survivor: Guatemala were on their team.

After a brief montage of Jillian torturing her team, the producers treat us to the night's first bout of foreshadowing: Over shots of Nick not exercising, Jillian tells us "Nick is a renegade. I'll help him when he needs help, and if it starts to become a problem, I'll address it then." Cue foreboding music.

The Robot: Just one of the many dancercize programs waiting for you at 24 Hour Fitness

It's time for tonight's Weight Challenge, which takes place at a local pond. Basically, it involves walking across a beam to a platform in the pond. If you fall in the water, you have to go back and start over. The first team to get all their members to the platform wins. And what do they win? They get to read the letters they passed up earlier in the show, and they get an extra 24 hours to exercise before they have to be weighed. As Suzy tells us, the extra day could be huge for the girls. (Hey, her words, not mine.) "That could be, like, a pound per person," she says.

Because they have one more player, the women have to sit someone out for this competition. No surprise they pick Kathryn, what with her refusing to spontaneously heal herself and all. Man, she is so not a team player.

Seth lays out the guys' strategy: "Basically, we wanted to run it like a relay, with our fastest guy first." (Maybe it's my non-track background shining through, but wouldn't you want to put your fastest guy last, in case he has to make up some ground?) The guys get off to a quick lead, and it looks like they're going to win, until they get to their last guy, Dr. Jeff, who is far and away the slowest one on the team. So slow, in fact, he promptly lets Jen pass him. Great strategy, Seth. It finally comes down to Dr. Jeff versus Shannon, who keeps asking her team how they did it. Ever the motivator, Suzy starts singing: "You just put one foot in front of the other, And soon you'll be walkin 'cross the flo-o-or, Put one foot in front of the other, And soon you'll be walkin' out the door!" Not really. But any day I can give a shout-out to the diminuitive Mickey Rooney is a good day indeed.

The sea was angry that day, my friends.

Stop! Commercial time. But it's not just any commercial. It's for 24 Hour Fitness, the show's biggest sponsor. Several of the contestants are shown working out, wearing inspirational t-shirts adorned with such motivational sayings as "To dunk basketballs, not donuts" (Pete's), "To turn up the sexy volume" (Shannon), "To be a stud (again)" (Nick), and "To find Mr. Right" (Suzy). Judging by the look she flashes Nick after doing a sit-up, he ain't it. 24HF's new tagline? "You. To the power of 24." Personally, I find this a bit confusing. Aren't these people already themselves to at least the power 24? Maybe it should be "You. To the power of three." Or something.

Anyway, back to the action. Shannon hums herself to victory over Dr. Jeff, who's fallen in the water so many times he's begun to grow gills. Once the pressure's off, though, Dr. Jeff collects himself and makes it over the beam. Thanks goodness, cuz we're gonna need his doctoring skills stat!

Back at the mansion, I'm reminded that I really need to get my Tivo hooked to my computer. Because in one beautiful five-second shot, we get to see Jillian's plumber's crack and hear Andrea step on a duck. Actually, her honking laughter just sounds like someone stepped on a duck, but it would've made for a great QuickTime clip. Mark tells us that the women have an advantage, with the 24 extra hours before weigh-in, but that the men all gave a thousand percent, so there's no excuses this time. Yeah, except poor math skills, Albert.

At the weigh-in, the men are individually taunted by the Scale-O-Tronic 4025. First it says you weigh 205. Then 476. Then 350. 2300. 598. 3. 298. Just pick a number, dammit! During Matt's weigh-in, Caroline notices he's holding something in his hand. Turns out it's an inspirational letter from his sister. I want to make fun of it, but I really find myself rooting for the big lug, so I'll let it go. Of course, if the guys end up losing by the weight of his letter, I'm really gonna let him have it. Overall, the men do pretty well, losing a combined 51 pounds, or 2.6% of their collective weight. Not as good as last week, but still fairly respectable. Unfortunately, the women still have 24 more hours to lose weight, so the guys are uncharacteristically subdued.

"Be honest, guys. Does this shirt make me look fat?"

Next we're treated to some more footage of Jillian training the guys. At one point, she tells the team if she beats them in a sprint, they're going to have to run three more laps. She takes off, and for some reason, Matt's the only one who tries to keep up with her. He does a pretty good job of it too, until disaster strikes. Matt falls down hard, and is writhing on the ground in pain. The rest of the team starts yelling for a medic. If only someone on the guy's team was a doctor... Dammit, where's Dr. Jeff? Oh yeah, still back at the starting line. Matt will bleed out by the time he gets here. Good thing Matt's not bleeding. Dr. Jeff does deliver a heartfelt little speech about Matt, though, saying "he really inspires me and motivates me, and not having him around in top form is going to hurt our team." Oh great, now the guys are going to get mad at Matt for not healing fast enough. Man, these people are petty. Eventually, they get Matt up the hill and send him off to the hospital in an unmarked white van.

The next day, Matt returns and tells everyone the good news. "The doc says I have a tear in my quad," he says, "and I need to take it easy. But, it's probably better than pulling it, I guess." Is it just me, or is this the equivalent of having your throat slit, only to say with your last dying gurgle that it's probably better than getting nicked while shaving?

Later, the teams are seen walking to the gym for the girl's weigh-in. Dr. Jeff admits the guys are a little nervous, explaining "the girls had an extra day, and they're all looking pretty good." This is followed by an immediate shot, from behind, of the girls walking up the steps. That's just cruel.

The girls don't do nearly as well with their weigh-in. In fact, after three contestants, they've only lost a collective eight pounds. The guys are trying not to gloat, but you can tell they're feeling pretty good about their chances. Before we're told the final tally, however, we're treated to one of NBC's insufferable The More You Know PSAs. This one features comic genius Sean Hayes telling us that "Hate is not a punchline." Coincidence? Methinks not.

Guess what? The women lose. And Suzy, for one, is in total disbelief. "We had a whole extra day to work out," she says, "so we should've done better than we did." Yeah, according to your earlier statement, Suze, you should've done a whole six pounds better than you did, which still wouldn't have been enough to win. Maybe Bob's whole "you have to eat to lose weight" plan isn't looking so good after all.

Speaking of which, the guys decide to celebrate their victory by what else? Eating! Nick prepares the meal, and Jillian provides the spark. By which I mean the two get into a huge shouting match over Nick's continual insubordination. Seems Nick hasn't bothered to weigh any of the food he's preparing, and Jillian says the steak he's thrown on the grill is over 2,000 calories and bigger than her leg. (In fairness to Nick, Jillian's a small women; I've eaten bratwurst bigger than her leg.) She's also upset that the rest of the team is letting Nick prepare all the food. "Is he going home with you when she leaves?" she asks her team. "How are you going to know what to do if he's not going home with you when you leave?" Dr. Jeff tries to calm Jillian down, but she's not having any of it. "You guys go off and work out, and when you're done, your wife here," pointing to Nick, "has your dinner waiting for you." At this, Nick asks if she's saying they can't enjoy life and exercise. "No!" she screams. "Losing weight and changing your life IS FUN!!" Evidently, trying to convince her team how fun it can be isn't nearly as much fun, however, as Jillian throws off her jacket and quits.

"I will not eat my vegetables!"

Switching gears, we get to hear Bob explain how his team is upset they don't get to eat the way they used to. Um, isn't that kind of the point? Jen is crying, and we cut to Suzanne complaining that Jen's emotions are really causing a strain on the team. Other things causing a strain on the women's team: Suzanne.

Since they lost, the women now have to eliminate one of their own. Unfortunately, the trip to the elimination ceremony isn't nearly as suspenseful as Survivor; instead of seeing the women trek through the jungle carrying lit torches, we see them walk down the hallway of a mansion carrying silver platters. At least the producers could try turning off the lights or something.

Caroline reminds the team that since Andrea was this week's Biggest Loser, she has immunity. (Note to Biggest Loser producers: You guys really need to come up with a catchy name or trinket to represent immunity. I'm sure the TVgasm readers can give you a few suggestions.) Anyway, the women give a bunch of platitudes and fake pronouncements of love for one another before voting out Kathryn the gimp. To her credit, Kathryn isn't surprised, admitting she's not a team player. In a final parting shot, she says she didn't come here to make six new best friends. From the look on Jen's face, I think we can say "Mission accomplished!"

So, what did you think of this week's episode? Is Jillian coming back, or will Caroline be forced to take over the men's team? And just what should the producers call immunity?

Posted by at 4:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (21)

Well, we received some wonderful submissions for the Rosie O'Donnell Poetry contest, but because of a surprisingly hectic schedule this week, we haven't been able to select a winner yet. Fear not though. The winning poem will be announced by Friday morning. Keep the faith, peeps.

Posted by at 2:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

• Did you hear about this? The new Tivo software lets networks erase their programming off your DVR. Listen, when we said we loved Big Brother, we didn't mean like that. [AP]


• Signs o' life at NBC! My Name Is Earl gets big ratings. The Big Brother 6 finale, however, was "soft." That's probably because most of us stopped watching after Janelle left. [Variety]


• Also wrapping up last night was Rockstar: INXS, a show we just didn't have time to cover this summer. The big winner: J.D. Fortune. Mr. Fortune says he's looking forward to singing with the band and being forgotten. [E! Online via Yahoo]


• Hey, did you guys catch Extreme Makeover: Suicide Edition? Me neither. But this woman swears it happened. To her sister. [Hollywood Reporter]


• Shimmy shimmy cocoa what? Listen to it pound! Nelly's going down down, baby, yo' street in a reality show. I'm sure he wants us to watch it over and over again, but we'll only take a ride with him if his series makes it hot in herre. Aaand scene. [AP]

Posted by at 2:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

By now, everybody knows that I have a certain affliction for Tyra Banks. This affliction is not so encompassing that I have no control of my mental faculties, and I have therefore not spent any time watching her new show. I think she has what it takes to do her type of show, and if Jenny Jones can last as long as she did, my girl still can do it as well. To tell you the truth, the only reason why I decided to review her daytime show was to remind everybody that Cycle 5 of America's Next Top Model starts tonight at 8PM Eastern on UPN. Don't miss it!

More on the Tyra Show after the jump.

Tyra's show is really an extension to what she has been trying to accomplish outside of the modeling world for some time. No, I a not talking about budding runway star reality show domination, but something else enterely. Starting with her TZONE foundation, Tyra has tried to bring a message of self-empowerment to every young woman that she meets. I am grossly paraphrasing, of course, but I think the way she has handles the subject matter is worth praise. Since she is a supermodel, you might think she would not be the best person to discuss inner beauty, since her career has been defined by her outer beauty, but I think her popularity speaks for itself. If I was still in college, I would take Man-hate 10 (that's a joke ladies!) and write a paper on Tyra Banks and the Response to 21st Century Feminism.

If you were wondering why I picked yesterday's show to do a recap, it was because I heard that the subject was going to be all about breasts. Therefore, I knew it would be a good show because Tyra knows a thing or two or twenty about breasts.

The show, however, is not for the amusement of people like me who are interested in seeing Tyra's breasts, but for the women in the audience. Now I am not saying that they wouldn't also want to see Tyra's breasts, but when it comes to boobs, women have different concerns. The first segment was talking about bra advice, because statistics show that 80% of women wear the wrong size bra. I am sure that it was a study funded by Victoria's Secret or Frederick's of Hollwood, but there was some useful information there.

After some info on how to measure your bust, Tyra profiled three girls who needed bra help. And if they needed new bras, why not go to Victoria's Secret? From the look of the inside, I am pretty sure it was the Victoria's Secret at the Grove. I recognize the counter(another job in another life) and it is within shouting distance of Television City, where the Tyra Show is taped. A couple girls were average sized, and we saw some bras to give a little lift and enhance the cleavage, and one girl was above average and was looking for something other than Playtex cross your heart to give her some comfort. We got before and after, and Tyra dispensed with a stereotype when one of the girls, Mu, showed surprise that she had a C-cup because she was a tiny asian girl. "Asian girls have boobs too!", she said. Yay!

Ricardo Chivera of Desperate Housewives came on, and really made me happy. No, I could care less about his show or what he has to say, but I now know there is at least one person more obsessed with Tyra than I am, and he went on to describe his dad's crush and how he has created a little relationship with the two of them. Tyra laughed it off, even when mentioning the part about Victoria's Secret catalogs (which are NOT delivered to the TVgasm offices, despite what some people think). He went on to talk about what breasts meant to a man, how most guys will say it is personality but you have to admit that breasts are important (even for an assman).

While that was all lovely, the real reason why Ricardo was on was to raise awareness about Breast Cacncer charities. His mother died of breast cancer and he is a spokesman for the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. He spoke about his experiences and some things that we can do to help. To make sure that we don't forget Ricardo's important message, we have a Victoria's Secret fashion immediately following. Not exactly what I would call great timing.

Tyra next introduced a girl who had asymmetrical breasts. Most women have breasts that are slightly different, and often times one is big than the other. This girl, however, has breasts that were two cup sizes difference, which is not usual, but can be fixed with surgery if you have the money. She didn't have the money, but Tyra found a doctor who would perform the surgery for free. And just in case you thought all plastic surgery was put to use for good, we got Anna Nicole Smith, who described her dozens of surgeries. She originally got implants because her boobs were stretched and hanging after she gained weight during childbirth and lost it again. It took DDs to get her nipples to point up on a suitable angle. And we heard about TrimSpa. DELIGHTFUL. In case you were wondering there is no truth to the rumors she has two implants in each boob or that one of them exploded.

Speaking of implant rumors, Tyra has plenty of her own. People say her breasts are too perfect to be real, but she says the shape is all about the bras she chooses to wear, and to show the dramatic effect, she gets rid of all of the guys in the audience and takes her bra off. ON STAGE. She still had her shirt on, of course, but you can see the difference, and they do have a natural sag and aren't just suspended in mid air by some alien technology or anything.

But oh no, Tyra wasn't done there. There was a short segment where they talked to some girls on Melrose what they think about their boobs, including talking to one girl who paid $4700 for her implants and looks to me like she was ripped off. The segment didn't make any sense, and was likely filler so we could get to the real point of the show.

Not content with showing people her sag through a shirt, she lay down on a couch where a doctor examined her breasts by touch. I KNEW I should have been a doctor. Tyra actually broke down talking about it saying that she doesn't want to comment on other people's choices, but it wasn't her choice and she was hurt that people would think she got implants. She admitted to fake hair and fake eyelashes, but the TaTas are REAL.

If you STILL didn't believe her, the doctor used a sonogram not to check for pregnancy, but to check for implants. We first saw the images from a girl who had saline implants, and then we saw Tyra's, which was pure breast tissue. And I am sure it is the image you have all been waiting for, so here it is. Tyra Banks' right hand boob;

This is for you, Papa Rivera.

Isn't that a thing of beauty? You know, if it only took a sonogram to prove if tits were fake or not, I think Tyra should do the world a favor and offer to have her doctor sonogram celebrity juggs as a weekly phenomenon. There could be Vegas betting and everything. First up? Lindsay Lohan of course.

Posted by at 1:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

They are NOT beating around the bush with this opener. In an extremely pink bathroom, a little girl turns on her extremely pink tape deck to “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera. A totally crap song, I know, but am I getting verklempt as we see this little bald girl begin downing dozens of pills? Yes, yes I am. You know, I’m the only girl on staff at TVgasm, and it’s times like this when I get really self-conscious about it. Copygodd would never get all teary about a wrestler’s backstory.

Just as the little girl is about to give herself an injection, everything starts shaking and the walls start closing in on her. She’s in major hallucination mode, and as she comes out of it we see she has cut her hand on the mirror.

House gets off the elevator with a bad cold. Uh, I can’t really bring myself to feel bad for him, no matter how miserable Hugh Laurie manages to look. Nine-year-old with cancer or grouchy old dude with a sniffle? You make the call. Anyway, Wilson wants him to stick around and help treat this girl (remember, Wilson is the head cancer doctor. Chief oncologist, if you’re nasty). House isn’t interested in regular ol’ cancer until Wilson tells him about the girl’s hallucinations – even though she doesn’t have any cancer in the brain. When House was a kid, you know he loved to burn ants with magnifying glasses and mix condiments with household cleaners and make the littler kids drink it.

House’s assistants (anyone want to come up with a pithy name for them? I’ll buy you a beer if you let me use it) are in pontificate mode. House sends the boys off to do medical things but makes Cameron stay behind, in an excellent callback to last week’s episode. He doesn’t want her getting all attached to the pretty dying blonde chick. Good, I don’t want a lot of her this episode. She’s already managed to annoy me by quietly, subserviently, making House a cup of tea when she noticed he was sick. I guess since browbeating him into a date didn’t work, she’s going to try the maternal provider role. When that fails, she’ll move on to studied aloofness, and then oversexed vixen. I bet she considers the articles in Cosmo very