VH1 premiered But Can They Sing? last night, and I'll just say it. This show is amazing. Truly amazing. Just about the only detraction was the unctuous emceeing by host Ahmet Zappa. C'mon VH1. You can do better than that. Nevertheless, even though some of the singers pulled off adequate karaoke-level performances, the real stars of the show were wannabe crooners Antonio Sabato Jr., Kim Alexis, Myrka Dellanos (who?), and Bai Ling. Emphasis on Bai Ling. I still don't know whether I'm embarrassed for these "retro-stars" or impressed with their "bravery," as VH1 calls it, but honestly, I'm not sure if I care either way. As long as they keep spewing out the atonal dirges, I'll be more than happy to sit and listen.

Audio clips in convenient, iPod-friendly mp3 format after the jump...

Who was your favorite?

Posted by at 4:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (45)

The other day I happened to turn on my television, and what should appear before my eyes? None other than cancelled dating show, The Fifth Wheel. As much as I've enjoyed this campy skankfest in the past, I still found myself reaching for the remote. That is, until I glanced up and happened to find Karamo of Real World: Philadelphia fame sitting on the party bus and feigning interest in women. Fans of the The Real World may remember Karamo as the temperamental, gay black man whose stereotype-busting presence was arguably the only noteworthy aspect of the dreadful Philly season (not counting Melanie's scabies infestation). So imagine my surprise to see a straight-acting Karamo on this pre-Real World episode of The Fifth Wheel. It was kind of like watching an old George Michael video, except trashier. Screen shots after the jump...

Posted by at 2:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)

We all love The Amazing Race, but there are a lot of people who may never get a chance to play themselves. Maybe they are too lazy to apply. Maybe they can't find a partner to play with. Maybe they say that can't find a partner to play with but really just have no friends. Maybe they've applied many times but just never get picked as a finalist. For all of you people, we have the answer for you. It's called Up Your Budget, month long, weekly treasure hunt where you have a chance to win $10,000. Like The Amazing Race, Up Your Budget has clues. Unlike The Amazing Race, Up Your Budget doesn't have Phil. Then again, anybody can play, and you still have three more chances to win. Read more about this game after the jump.

I first heard about Up Your Budget when they submitted an ad to TVgasm. I couldn't figure out what the ad was for, and when I clicked on it, it took me to the blog Up Your Budget, which has the rules and the FAQ in case you want to know more information. The problem was, I was still confused with what was going on, but I think have the gist of it.

Up Your Budget is sponsored by Budget Rent-a-Car. It's a treasure hunt that asks you to figure out a specific spot in a certain city based on a series of clues. The cities are in one of four regions, East, West, North, and South, and each region will have four different cities/locations featured, one per week. The first week ended October 30th, which means there are three weeks left.

Visiting the Up Your Budget blog will give you video clues, some that may be helpful and some that may and try to throw you off track. Once you find the sticker, you need to have photographic or video proof. If you are the first person to send in the sticker for your region, you will win the $10,000 cash prize. Apparently, I haven't been up on my blogosphere readings, because I haven't seen it mentioned, even in the blogs that I read that are supposed to be taking part of the promotion. So maybe you have already heard of it, but I think it deserves a mention. If you are close to one of the cities, it could be a fun little thing to do. If you're interested, sign up at Up Your Budget and get started.

P.S. I usually don't find it necessary to mention advertisers in our posts, but I thought some of the readers would find it fun, and the ad totally confused me.

Posted by at 11:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Well, it's now officially Halloween. TVgasm celebrations this weekend included dinner in San Gabriel and parties in Los Feliz and Hollywood. I didn't really do anything that much different from any other weekend, but I did have on a Nixon mask. I am contemplating a visit to the West Hollywood Halloween Carnival to see as Ryan Secrest is crowned "Queen of the Carnival." Do you think he'll have the balls to go in drag? I am sure it would win him many fans in the neighborhood!

More important, however, is that I wanted to remind everybody that the TVgasm Halloween Contest is still on. Submissions are trickling in, but there is still time to enter. So far my favorite costume this year goes to the group of girls I saw at a party who dressed up as the Senior Girls from Dazed and Confused, complete with whip cream, knee socks, and butt shorts. I would do push ups for them anytime. Too bad I didn't have my camera. We know TVgasm readers can do as good or better, so send your submissions to contests@tvgasm.com by November 3rd. Prizes include your choice of items from the TVgasm store, and office bragging rights for a whole year.

Posted by at 9:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

On last week's Amazing Race, poor Tammy Gaghin took a rough spill head-first into the back of a van. We posted a screen shot of the accident in the episode recap, but honestly, how could we not see this in full-motion? So enjoy this bruising video clip.

Posted by at 3:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)

So, when I first mentioned that Vampire Bats was going to be appearing on CBS, I thought that Lucy Lawless had been typecast into roles as women who are trying to stop flying creatures from destroying the earth. When I looked to see that CBS has finally put up some promotional material for the special, I learn that it's even worse. Vampire Bats is actually a sequel, of sorts, to Locusts, which madeyoulaugh and I recapped earlier this year. She's left the horrible world of the USDA where she was just moments away from right after she discovered that they wanted her to head up a task force that was to prepare for the country in case millions of frogs fell out of the sky after listening to Frank Mackey or the crab people decide to invade. Our heroine, Maddy Rierdon lest you should forget, has moved with her husband and two daughters to Louisiana to become a teacher. But she can never escape the horror that is about to envelope her. Are you scared yet? Are you at least laughing or drunk? OK! Let's get started!

9:00
The announcer, uh, announces that "It's feeding time!" if that doesn't get you excited enough to miss a rerun of Desperate Housewives, I don't know what will.

9:01
Beautiful Tate University. Lush campus, coeds in bikinis playing slip and slide on frat row. OK Les, you win. AGAIN.

9:02
A girl and two of her guy friends walk past the Greek houses. They don't drink and are modest about their bodies. I wonder if they will somehow save the day while the hedonous fraternity and sorority types succumb to the deadly bats.

9:03
After cutting across the cemetery, the kids are invited to an underground rave, by a guy...passing out flyers to an underground rave. Doesn't that sort of defeat the purpose of making it underground?

9:04
"The party is in the middle of nowhere, that's what makes it underground," explains Low Rent Freddie Prinze Jr. He, his sidekick, and the girl the guy inviting them to the party wanted to have sex with make it to an old house and buy cups for "Planter's Punch", which we just saw was spiked moments earlier.

9:05
Freddie comes on to Eden, and even though the drugs are working, she isn't dumb enough to sleep with him in the middle of the bayou. In the background, sidekick boy spins around like an autistic kid in a planetarium

9:05:30
Sidekick is lost and alone, and his vintage East German military fatigues aren't helping him. This movie is either anti-drugs or pro-buddy system, I can't decide which.

9:07
Uh, oh, some electronica is playing. It's feeding time!

9:08
Dr. Xena, who is now Dr. Momma Xena has two kids, a minivan, and is too cheap for air conditioning. Xena Nipple Count: 0.

9:08:30
The help is in Guatemala? Filming Survivor? No, sick aunt. What is Dr. Momma Xena going to do with the kids?

9:09
Dr. Momma Xena's sister in-law is Brett Butler. Could she be here for...comic relief? This movie has everything!

9:11
Blonde girl in pink top asks Mr. Dr. Xena if he is seeing anybody. When he says he is married, she replies "How unfortunate." Clearly not as unfortunate as the untimely death your minor speaking role just foreshadowed.

9:12
Dr. Xena takes attendance. Jason Ortiz is missing. but he didn't miss a class last semester. Oh that's right, last semester he avoided the underground raves that took place near vampire bat breeding grounds.

9:13
We meet local law enforcement that is inspecting the case of dead deer in a wildlife preserve. If I didn't know better, I would say that it was locusts.

9:15
Brett Butler hates a dirty house. By the way, if the house is so dirty, what does the maid do all day? The kids are too young to request quesadillas.

9:16
Law enforcement guy burns the carcasses of a dead deer. Is he trying to cover something up? I wonder if he'll confess to the whole thing only after he is dying because of a bat attack.

9:16:30
Craig Ferguson as a drunken Irish fisherman. Dual forces of comic relief. What will Les thing of next?

9:17
They find Jason Ortiz (the sidekick) dead and beaten up, but there is almost no blood. hmmmm.

9:18
OK, Craig Ferguson is dead. Brett, it's all up to you now.

9:22
Back in class, Eden explains to the rest of her classmates what a hypoxic zone is. The size of her brain is only matched by the size of her breasts.

9:23
Aaron and Eden(Jason Ortiz's friends) are taken out of the class by Police. Dr. Momma Xena dismisses her class and follows them to the station, because that biology PhD is so much better than a public defender.

9:24
Dr. Momma Xena meets Mayor Poelkher (pronounced poh-ker). Poelkher? I hardly know her!

9:25
Motherhood has really calmed down Dr. Momma Xena's nipples. Xena nipple count: 0.

9:25
The sheriff plays a message from Eden to a friend saying she was really messed up, and something happened to Jason. You can hear Aaron in the background saying they have to go before somebody finds them. Anti-drug message count: 2. When on ecstasy, you may admit to murders that you didn't commit.

9:28
Lawyer Dr. Momma Xena vows to help the kids anyway that she ca and listens to their side of the story. Anti-drug message count: 3. "It was the punch, it was spiked with something" "I'll never try that again".

9:30
Searching for a place to throw a party, three college guys explore an underground steam tunnel and find a room with "sick" acoustics. Who cares about he bat droppings? that won't be a problem.

9:32
Mr. Dr. Momma Xena - "I thought that after the locusts thing, we were through with life or death situations" Well, it probably would have been over with after locusts, but I guess Lucy Lawless needed to put in a new pool, and who can pass up good made for TV disaster movie money?

9:38
Two more bodies are found drained of blood, but the sheriff won't release Aaron and Eden. What's it going to take for him to realize that these deaths aren't ritualistic murder, but the work of ravenous, bloodthirsty mammals. Another bunch of kids dead at a college rave party?

9:40
Dr. Momma Xena notices bat shit on the bodies. Unfortunately, the mayor refuses to warn the general population about the problem on their hands because they might go bat shit and cause a panic. Subtle moves like this add to the brilliance of the art form.

9:42
Girl returns home drunk, and her sorority sisters have to take her to bed. She manages to strip down to a cute pair of bra and panties before falling asleep on her bed. Unfortunately, that just leaves more space for the bats to feed. Looks like she won't be asking Mr. Dr. Momma Xena about his availability any time soon. Drunken coed murdered by bat count: 1. Foreshadowed death count: 1.

9:43
Tate faculty party on river boat, killer bats under the dock. Chances the bat problem will explode in the next 10 minutes? 100%. Chances that you can resist Dr. Momma Xena in a little black dress? 0.

9:47
The organizers of the rave party high-five in celebration. Anti-drug message count: 4. Ecstasy will cause you to prematurely congratulate yourself on the success of a party, even if it will eventually turn into a bloody massacre.

9:52
The bats strike the faculty riverboat party and the underground rave party simultaneously. If only people had listened to the warning signs and didn't scapegoat two poor kids for a series of ritualistic blood-draining murders, we could have avoided this whole mess.

9:57
Anti drug message count: 5. In the event of an attempted vampire bat massacre, you will be too stoned to escape, and all of that hard-earned money will go to waste. Pro drug message count: 1. Your role as a drug dealer won't prevent people from leaving flowers and teddy bears on your grave.

9:58
The mayor holds a press conference. "Everything is under control" he assures us, but we know nothing is going to be under control until he admits to Dr. Momma Xena that he was wrong and needs her help. In other news, how did the bats only kill one person? I thought this movie was supposed to be scary. Right now, the only deaths have been people on ecstasy.

10:00
Dr. Momma Xena says that we must study bats to understand them and says that something environmental is causing the problem. Jimmy Bob park ranger wants to poison them. Something tells me that any solution with poison will be only temporary, but the solution that relies on science will eventually solve the problem.

10:03
Dr. Momma Xena tells her class that they must solve the vampire bat problem because we really need to understand the bats to stop them from coming back. Meanwhile, in Mr. Dr. Momma Xena's class, we learn that Rebecca, the girl who hit on her professor and likes to sleep in her underwear didn't die. Looks like those bats aren't so badass after all. Foreshadowed death count: 0.

10:03:15
Never mind. Rebecca starts foaming at the mouth and falls over dead. Foreshadowed death count: 1.

10:04
Brett Butler sees the mayor making a payoff to shady local waste management official. So, it's our own garbage that is causing these bats to go crazy? Why couldn't it be global warming? All those people driving hybrids don't have enough reasons to think they are better than everybody else. Why not give them one more?

10:07
Dr. Momma Xena plans to use a goat for bait. More importantly, it looks like her students have decided to help her out. "If we can go to war, we can help find some stupid bats" Sure, but can you find a stylish, yet functional kerchief to look good while doing it? That's what makes you an adult. Also, what happened to Mr. Dr. Momma Xena in a time like this?

10:08
Preppy kid asks if the goat is going to be hurt. Well, possibly, but not as much as when the local sheriff gets drunk and lonely and the next issue of Barnard Orgy quarterly is still months away.

10:09
We find out Dr. Momma Xena has a broom in her car. Chances said broom will save her later in the movie 80%.

10:19
The county coroner has been studying the carcasses of dead animals killed by bats. Somehow, all of these animals have benzene in them, presumably given to them by the bats. But since there are strict guidelines to the disposal of such volatile products, how could they ever come in contact with it in the wild. I wonder if there is any local politician receiving kickbacks that we can blame this on?

10:22
Dr. Momma Xena, husband, and students find out that the local waste facility is dumping toxins into the water. During collection of waste samples, security catches them in the act. Xena and crew make a run for it. Quick, use the broom! The broom!

10:28
Xena accompanies park ranger to secret bat lair in an old plantation building. all of the bats are dead. School newspaper headline: "Bat Crisis Averted". Byline reads "Producers unsure of what to do with remaining 30 minutes of TV special" Also of note, editorial titled "Perhaps we should have studied the bats more before killing them,". Lastly, there is the opinion piece titled "I hope nobody dies as a result of us feeling like we killed all of the bats:

10:30
Apparently, Rebecca didn't die of rabies. She is now back to hitting on Mr. Xena in class, and sleeping in her footie pajamas.

10:31
Dr. Momma Xena's students are alone, feeding the bats, but they are also bored. Luckily, she has a boom box in her lab, and the kids have more techno. Everybody starts dancing except for one overcautious kid, and he's just worried because he doesn't have a broom.

10:32
Two students head to the house of an Economics professor who is on sabbatical. They intend to make out, but I wonder if anything else has taken up residence while the professor was away. Like killer bats perhaps?

10:33
Another hot chick in her underwear. I wonder if she'll also be attacked by bats?

10:34
Anti-promiscuity message count: 1. Your raging hormones might distract you from noticing the hundreds of killer bats that might be living nearby. Instead of getting Chlamydia, you'll get rabies - and watch your boyfriend die a horrible death being eaten to death by bats.

10:36
Xena Nipple Count: 0. Also, Brett Butler, not so funny in this movie.

10:38
Dr. Momma Xena students have made a discovery. The bats are attracted to a certain noise. Looks like she'll need some speakers of giant locust bug zapper proportions. Xena nipple count: still 0.

10: 39
The mayor sees Brett Butler with Dr. Momma Xena's kids. She makes jokes about poisoning the town, he kidnaps her.

10:46
Park ranger has found another lair. It's that old church in the cemetery. When he meets with Dr. Momma Xena and the sheriff to formulate a plan, they put their heads together for the "final solution". It's a crazy idea, but it just might work...

10:48
Wait, where is Bret Butler and the kids? Mr. and Dr. Momma Xena track them down to the mayor's office. The mayor isn't corrupt and it was he who was doing the investigation into the illegal dumping of waste. The man he was seen with was a whistleblower. Apparently, the executives have been paying off a local official. Now who could have influence over what the EPA had to say about the area. OK, I give up. This is hard. I wish that they had given us a hint of a cover up sometime earlier in the episode so I wouldn't be in such suspense...

10:51
Dr. Momma Xena must go into the steam tunnels to find park ranger guy. This is unfortunate because these are the same tunnels that they are planning to herd the bats into in order to kill them. I hope he cooperates.

10:52
Dr. Momma Xena realizes that park ranger is the one being paid off when he makes a strange comment about negligible amounts of hyrdrochlorobenzine in the water, and he realizes that she knows that he has done. Better handcuff her to a pole in the steam tunnel. If the bats don't kill you, the heat will.

10:53
The bats are entering the steam tunnel!

10:54
They're releasing the steam to kill the bats! What will Dr. Momma Xena do to get away?

10:54
Park Ranger is about to get away, but Dr. Momma Xena still has her broom, and knocks him over. Whenever he tries to get up, she hits him again. Pro gun control message count: 1. Why use a gun, when a broom will do just fine?

10:56
With the help of her trusty broom, Dr. Momma Xena escapes the steam tunnels. but we have to turn off the steam! Park ranger dude will be burned alive!

10:56:30
Eh, oh well, at least we got the bats too. The Xenas kiss. Everybody else is safe.

10:57
The Xenas enjoy some margaritas poolside outside their new home. Brett Butler and the mayor are now an item. But will Dr. Momma Xena ever get that horrible sound out of her head? It's the sound of a vampire bat feeding on its prey. The sound of another innocent life being taken away from us. The sound of...YES! the movie is over. Sweet!

Well, there you have it. A not so horrifying tale of some killer bats. Once again, it was human malfeasance that caused the problem, and it was science that solved it. Happy Halloween from TVgasm. We hope you find something actually scary to watch tonight, or at least take the time for some constructive vandalism.

Posted by at 2:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

There was a lot of action last week on Survivor, and I am sure they weren't going to be able to repeat the amount of excitement that was in an episode that had two double tribal councils, but quite honestly, I was expecting a little more than what we received this past week. I haven't seen Survivor lay an egg like this one in a long time, but with a merge imminent and with it an emphasis on an entirely different type of physical challenge and politicking, we won't have to sit through something like that for a long time.

From the first shot of the episode, I knew that we were in trouble It's more of those marching ants in NightVision. Do you ever wonder that there hasn't been any new ant shots since the first season of Survivor? I bet the footage could have even been an accident. One lazy cameraman left his rig in the jungle, pointed at a tree, and it ran for a while. The producers noticed it, used it, and now it's a staple of "we're back from commercial intros". But do you think anybody is paying attention at what kind of ants they have been using? No, of course not. I demand proof that the ant footage is not recycled. The people demand justice!

Well, if you are wondering why I wasted a paragraph on ants before anything else, well, you have an idea of what kind of episode we are dealing with. Nakum has had some good momentum, and although they were forced to go to tribal council, it seemed like everybody wasn't that upset because they had a chance to get rid of Margaret, and she seemed to be the biggest cause of problems in the tribe. It wasn't because she was actually that huge of a bitch, but she was enough of a bitch to piss of Judd, and if Judd is pissed off in even a small way, he has no problem mixing it up and causing a lot of problems.

I think Judd is pretty stupid, but even he was able to realize that he might have shown a little bit too much of his temper with Margaret at tribal council, and he tried to assure everybody that his bark is worse than his bite. The main problem, he said, was that Margaret "pushed his button". Now, personally, I don't get mad at a person unless they push my buttons, if they only push one button, I can usually live with that. If Judd gets upset when only one button is pressed, I guess his fuse is shorter than we thought. Then again, maybe he just doesn't have multiple buttons like most people. After all, it seems like he has been working fine with less of a brain than your average person, so maybe he is working with fewer buttons than a normal person, and pushing that one button really pisses him off.

Judd went on an on about how Margaret was bringing everybody down because she was upset that she wasn't seen as the mom in the new Nakum and she was upset. He admitted he was a loose cannon and he did blow up, but insisted that he was a big teddy bear around camp, and there was nothing for people to be afraid of. Jamie put it another way. He admitted that Judd was a big guy, has a big voice, scares other people (and probably likes that he does), but Jamie was happy that Judd was all of those things. He knew that Judd would be a good ally after the merge, and if he took Judd to the final two, there was no way that people would vote for Judd because of how much he was pissing everybody off.

Yaxha had an entirely different problem. Yes, they also had to vote off a member of their tribe, and although Bryan was not hated around camp, it didn't look like they were crying that he was gone. What they were crying about was the marks on their body from the big balls they were pushing around in the reward challenge from day before. I am not sure why they suffered so much more than Nakum, or maybe the producers simply left Nakum out because they had were bitching about Margaret enough to fill a segment. Whatever the reason was, every single member of Yaxha had these huge blister-like things on their shoulders and faces, and they had scabbed over and were turning into open, festering sores. Not even the pharaohs had seen things this bad, and none had it worse than Bobby Jon. When I first looked at one of his shoulders, I thought that he had placed it in a deli slicer.

Mmmm. Tasty.

The two teams came together for the reward challenge, and we figured that it would be some sort of feast, but we weren't sure. Well, in honor of the Mayans, who discovered chocolate, the winners would win a lot of the sweet stuff as well as a zip line canopy tour of the rainforest. In order to win, the teams completed in a challenge that looked a lot like one that we saw in the Real World/ Road Rules challenge with Veronica and Jodi wrapping themselves in toilet paper. The twist on this was that there would be four people who wrapped themselves up in succession. That means that the first person would wrap themselves in fabric, would unhook themselves from a post, run to the next survivor, and then at that post, the fabric had to be wrapped around two people. The third post, it would wrap around three people, and the fourth post, four tribe members would have to work in synch with each other to wrap themselves up. The players would then unwrap themselves in succession, and the first team to have all four players unwrapped at past the finish line would win.

It sounds pretty complicated, but was fairly easy. In fact, other than waiting for somebody to get sick and vomit from all of the spinning, I wasn't sure what the hell to say about this thing. I mean it was kind of funny to see everybody strapped in together. Brandon and Bobby Jon were tied together in such a way that I thought they were going to use a ball gag next. I guess I could say they were strapped in tighter than an Indigo Girls slumber party with Melissa Etheridge. Ba-dum ching! Seriously, it was more of an interesting concept than it was an interesting something to watch. Why can't they come up with Mayan curling?

After a bunch of spinning and no hurling (or curling), Yaxha won the reward and got to enjoy the benefits. The first part was a zip line tour of the rainforest. It must have been a great feeling flying through the air like that. Amy was scared, but given the chance of a lifetime, she wasn't going to miss anything. I really liked Bobby Jon last year, but this season, he has seemed more like a horse's ass than anything else. When talking about his experience zipping down through the canopy. His words are more humble than lofty, and he comes across as very humble and appreciative. I guess when he's not losing, he gets a little bit better of an attitude.

When they go to the reward, there was a ton of chocolate and plenty of milk to wash it down. It was true that the people of ancient Meso and Central America discovered cocoa, it was actually the Europeans that perfected sweetening the cocoa powder and making it into the candy that fattens us, gives us cavities, and makes us break out all over the place. But we all still love it anyway. My favorite candy bars are Butterfinger, Reese's peanut butter cups, and Symphony bars with Toffee and Almonds. Actually, I still have part of a Symphony in the fridge. Just a minute, I think I'll have a bite. Mmmm. That was good.

I always though it was a bad idea to have these rewards where the primary component was sugar, because you would think that all of that sugar all of a sudden would make people sick since they weren't used to it. It was the most chocolate Bobby Jon ever saw in his life, which probably means he's never seen a Godiva or Ghiardelli store. That wasn’t the case, and after Yaxha pigged out, they took a lot of it back to camp.

Last week, the promos made a big deal about the "FIRST EVER!!!" time one tribe invaded another one. Yaxha made their way over to the Nakum tribe by boat, and it looks like they were going to stop until they heard the lamentations of the women and Stephenie. Or not. The members of Yaxha actually just wanted to invite Nakum over to a pool party in celebration of Danni's birthday. It was a pretty harmless request, but there were some that didn't think it was a good idea to be cavorting and canoodling with the enemy. Cindy wondered why anybody would hang out with the people that they wanted to get rid of. Well, part of it is probably the producer sort of want you to, but you can understand why Nakum is content. Margaret is no longer around, and Rafe had managed to collect enough leaves and paint them to make a deck of cards. That Rafe, he's so resourceful. What are the chances that he knits? And is good at it?

The pool party was not that big of a deal, but there were some highlights. There was Bobby Jon, at one with nature, feeding little pieces of his festering shoulder to the minnows. It takes quite a man to sit there and watch an animal eat a part of your body, and not only not let it bother you, but to enjoy watching it happen. Bobby Jon was using himself as bait, letting the little fish gather and eat his shoulder, and then try and dive in with his mouth and get the minnows. For Nakum, the highlight was the leftover chocolate Yaxha let them have.

Flesh-eating fish? No problem!

There were also some lowlights. I don't think I will ever get the image of Judd in his boxer briefs. The only thing that came to mind other than "get a garbage bag before you make a mess of the living room" was "at least there wasn't a bunch of yellow stains on the front". I wouldn't put all of you through such on ordeal, but Juddfan would probably never let me live it down if I didn't share it with you.

Judd's back is actually much less hairy than I imagined.

Eventually, Nakum went back to their own camp. Jamie was being really pissy, and he even got Steph a little bit upset about his attitude. That left Yaxha to their own business. We once again got another attempt by somebody to pin down Gary's true background. Was he a football player or just a humble landscaper? Does anybody care? Amy wanted an answer, and said that she would beat Gary down like a stepchild, but she didn't say if the stepchild was red headed or brunette. Gary seemed so proud of himself because he said that he had lied about his name and his hometown, and so it would be difficult for Amy to look him up, even with her police connections. HA! I am not sure if Gary was trying to be funny, because obviously as soon as she gets home, she's going to check the internet and see that Gary was a football player on the CBS page for Survivor Guatemala. So I guess that search for the truth would be metaphorical, much like our search for anything worth watching in this episode.

Immunity this week would be decided as the two teams competed to complete a giant Mayan calendar. Three team members would search for puzzle pieces partially or completely buried in the sand and two others would complete the puzzle. Going into this, Yaxha knew that it would be a big day. The merge was happening soon and if they didn't win, they would surely be at a huge disadvantage with the numbers, meaning Nakum could simply vote them off one by one.

Early on, the game was pretty even. The teams were gathering the pieces pretty evenly, and it looked like it would come down to who could put the pieces together the quickest. Yaxha was having trouble with their 11th and 12th pieces, and gave Nakum a huge time advantage that they wouldn't give up. Nakum won, and in celebration for putting the pieces together quickly, Rafe grabbed Stephenie from behind. At first it looked like she was going to turn around and slap whoever it was that had copped a feel, but then realized it was Rafe and decided not to do anything.

This was a worst-case scenario for Yaxha in general and Amy in particular. She knew that she had an uphill battle, and she decided that she wouldn't be able to outlast or outplay the people on her tribe, she decided that the only thing she could do was outwit them. Well, if Brian wasn't able to outwit Yaxha to save himself, I don' t think there was going to be much of a chance of Amy doing it. She had a pretty good strategy, however, and that was to try and convince everybody else that she deserves to be there more than Bobby Jon because Bobby Jon was on his second season of survivor.

It seemed like Amy had a chance to use that reasoning, but I was concerned when the person that should have been her biggest ally was entirely noncommittal when it came to the decision. Gary said that he wouldn't vote for Bobby Jon unless Amy got Danni or Brandon to go along with it. I'm really surprised that Gary didn't try and help campaign for Amy a little more. It would be advantageous to have her going into the merge with him, but instead he became wishy washy about the whole thing, talking about how he wants to keep loyalty with the other three. I am not sure what Gary's angle is, but I have to say I was almost upset at how he acted pretty much like a coward when it came to this thing. Where's that football mentality that you're supposed to have loyalty to the people who had been through the trenches? And practically speaking, wouldn't you want to have Amy competing in the immunity challenges on a bum ankle than a strong Bobby Jon?

At tribal council, Jeff asked about how you make the choice of how to send somebody home. When Brandon mentioned that the hardest part is justifying why you voted somebody out and how maybe somebody in your alliance is less deserving, Bobby Jon shot a look at him which made me think he was quite surprised at what he was hearing. I thought that maybe Amy actually had a chance, but when the votes were read, she was the one who was being sent home. It was sad to see to see her go, because she brought tons of personality, but we were happy to see that when she left, she would be able to go back to her family and the Jose Canseco doppelganger that they keep in the basement.

After the vote, Jeff told Yaxha that they were to head back tot he Nakum camp, take new buffs, and come up with a new tribe name together. It's a whole different ballgame now, of course, and it's going to be interesting to see if there are any people up to the task of scheming their way to the final two.

What did you think about this episode? Is Judd causing too much trouble in his tribe? Does anybody like Gary? Who has the best shot of winning now that we are at the merge?

Posted by at 2:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (52)

You know I gotta to hand it to my boy Diddy. Whether or not this season of Making the Band 3 is successful, he’s already created some good TV. So who cares if this girl band ends up sucking (which it probably will), we were able to see Diddy chasing a bunch of girls in a rickshaw with a bullhorn. Do you see Martha Stewart doing that? I doubt it. Would you expect to see Donald Trump yell out “Boom! Cat!� Well, if you paid him enough money probably. That dude will whore out for cash quicker than a Filipino prostitute. My point is, Diddy always keeps things interesting. You expect him to zig, and he zags. You think he’s all badass and then he shows up holding his pet Bichon Frise named Cha Cha. And if that doesn’t draw you’re interest, we spend at least a third of the show in the emergency room. That’s right, this episode we get a body count. Diddy will take no prisoners in his quest for the next crappy girl band.

We open with Tiffany and she is hobbling around because of her injured hip. I guess you can say she’s not feeling too hip? Get it? Zing! Anyway, she’s limping back into the loft in her blue Sean Jean pajama’s, with a sullen look on her face. When the other girls start asking her what happened she tells them that they she pulled a ligament and they had to pop her hip back into place. For which I can only say “eeew�. And If I can just share with all of you, when I was in middle school I broke my collar bone and it was on that day that I made a startling discovery. I am a big freaking baby when it comes to pain. So for a girl to get her hip popped out of place, and still try and dance in front of Diddy gets mad props from me. Granted part of me is still wondering why she didn’t tell everyone to stop the music and just scream “I can’t dance Diddy because you were chasing me in a rickshaw for 6 freaking miles for no goddamn reason and it caused my goddamn hip to pop out of joint. Now stop wearing sunglasses inside it makes you look like a moron.� But she didn’t. I should be on this show, and not just so I can stare at Aubrey when she sleeps. And before you guys start saying “But EdHill, it’s a show about a girl group. Only women can be on the show.�, let me just point out to you exhibit A. Denosh. Ain’t no way that isn’t a dude.

I know all there is to know about the Crying Game...

When the girls ask how in the world she could have her hip pop out of join from running, Tiffany explains that she was galloping like a horse. And as an example she gives us an interpretive dance with her arms that is somehow meant to indicate the actions of a galloping horse. It was very Twyla Tharpy. I was half expecting Laurie Ann to pop out of the closet and scream “Boom! Boom! Cat!�. But still, who “gallops like a horse� when they run? From what I remember a horse is a quadruped and we’re, you know, not. In fact the only thing I have in common with a horse is… well never mind.

Soon Johnny call’s with their next assignment. As the girls all gather around the speaker phone and all say “Hiii� in unison I felt a very strong Charlie’s Angel’s vibe wash over me. I mean if you can imagine Drew Barrymore with a dislocated hip, it would be spot on. And believe me; I’ve imagined all sorts of painful scenarios for Drew Barrymore after I saw Fever Pitch. Speaking of Drew Barrymore, whatever happened to Tom Green? I mean last I heard he had one ball and then he disappeared. Who will fill the void of “annoying Canadian sucking on a cow’s udder�? Sure, sg-dub does it on occasion, but he’s not Canadian. But I digress.

Johnny tells them that their next task is they are going to learn the title song to Making the Band. It’s called “Ooh La La�, which is a good choice because as far as I know that’s pretty much the entire lyrics. They just repeat it a lot. It’s about as lyrically nuanced as Mmm bop. But hey, whatever gets Aubrey to shake her cute little fanny, I’m 100 percent behind. Speaking of fannies shaking, Johnny then tells the girls that they are going to be learning the song AND dancing to it. With that we get the ominous black and white fast zoom on Tiffany with appropriate dark music. That’s never good. Once they get off the phone we see Tiffany limping throughout the house faintly singing “ooh, la la la laa laaa�. Poor girl.

But before you start shooting your whole sympathy wad at tiffany, so to speak, we find out she’s not the only one suffering from a medical problem. Cindy isn’t feeling good either. She can’t really explain it. She gives it a good try when she tells us "I’m feeling out of myself as far as health goes". Is that good? Bad? I mean, If I called in to work tomorrow and said “hey boss, I’m feeling out of myself as far as health goes� how exactly would he take it? Well in order to erase any doubts we get the same black and white quick zoom with accompanying dark music. It’s bad. Then she says “my mind and my body are not working at the same pace.� And since we’ve gotten a look at how her mind works, you know it’s really bad.

The next Day Tiffany goes to the doctor’s office for an examination and the prognosis isn’t good. The doctors say she shouldn’t dance for at least 2 weeks. Tiffany is dejected. It’s like telling Kevin Bacon he can’t dance. But if it was Kevin Bacon, he’d just give you that piercing look, and then drive his car to the barn, rip his shirt off and just let loose. Footloose to be exact. And for the record; Sean “Diddy� Combs was in Monsters Ball with Peter Boyle who was in Red Heat with Lawrence Fishburne who was in Mystic River with…Kevin Bacon. I can get there in 3.

Meanwhile, Cindy isn’t feeling much better. When they go down to Smash studios to work on the song it starts to show. Doc Holliday goes around pointing to the girls to give them a “eeh� in the key of c or something. He points to Cindy and hers comes out more like a cat getting stepped on. "I’m hearing fatigue� he say’s.

Then the groups up the girls and they go through a test run of the song. When they screw up, I guess they missed one of the 843 “la’s� in the song, they fall apart immediately. Doc tells them they have to be able to recover. Every group will mess up the harmony of a song once and a while and the key is to recover in midstream and make a correction. It’s all about recovery time. I’m not so sure that this is such a critical thing. I mean, NKOTB didn’t have harmony from the moment they were formed in 1984 until the present day and it didn’t hurt their careers. Danny Wood is now wildly successful as a waiter at the Revere Mass. Bennigans. Tell em EdHill sent ya and get a free order of sliders!

Doc then turns to Tiffany and asks how she’s doing. She’s somewhat guarded about her condition, since she doesn’t want to be kicked off. When he asks her to sing because he wants to “see how she sounds with pain�, a million filthy jokes flooded my brain but I will refrain, since I feel sorry for the poor girl. When she does sing she wails away at the song and her mouth gets so big I could have sworn she was a Muppet.

When Johnny pulls her aside later on he asks her how she’s doing. She tells him about how she can’t dance for 2 weeks. Johnny says she needs to think of her health before anything else, and with that Tiffany is sent home. We see her packing up her stuff and her parents coming to get her. It’s all kind of sad. No one wants to go out like that. I suppose she can take some comfort in the knowledge that when she is limping around back home and someone asks her how she got hurt she can honestly say “Because Diddy was chasing me for 6 miles in a rickshaw with a bullhorn�. I mean, who else can say that?

After she leaves all the girls feel bad. Well, most of them except for Kelli (with an i). She decides to go all Tony Soprano on her and says “This is a business, and if you can’t perform when it comes down to get things done then you don't belong here." Chelsea then say’s “At this point, it’s every man for himself.� Thus adding further proof to my Denosh is a guy theory.

Later, when some of the girls go out to Jamba Juice to get something to drink, Cindy faints. And I’m sorry to say it wasn’t captured on film. In order to get an idea of what it must have been like, take a look at the video of Rebecca passing out during the judging on ANTM. Man that still makes me laugh. And before you get mad, she was fine. I don’t laugh at the bad ones.

Soon the paramedics arrive and they cart her away on a weird kind of half stretcher half chair thing. And it’s all done to the great Low song Monkey with the chorus “tonight the monkey dies� playing over and over again as they wheel her into the ambulance. They got some messed up people picking the songs for this show I can tell you that.

Back at the dance studio they are doing their first practice with both the dance and singing working together. Choreographer Laurie Ann tells them to “Try to find an organic place to live between the vocal and the movement.� You know that sounds weird, but I kinda get it. Good job Laurie Ann.

Afterwards Cindy shows up back at the loft and she looks like crap. The doctor told them that she is anemic and needs to rest for 24 hours. But tomorrow is the dance for Diddy! Whatever will she do? Once they show up at The Roxy to perform, Johnny asks her how she’s feeling. When she tells him what the doctor said, he tells her the whole “your health is the most important thing�. Johnny, being a nice guy, tells her to just go home and they’ll try and make sure everything’s OK. I like Johnny. He’s good cop to Diddy’s bad cop. Bobby Simone to his Sipowitz.

It’s now time for the main event, or “D Day� as Denosh call’s it. Time to dance for the man himself. And as his blinged out Rolls Royce shows up, we see Diddy make an entrance…. And he’s holding his pet Bichon Frise. “Everyone say hi to Cha Cha.� he say's. No, I am not making this up. We've come a long way from the East Coast/ West Coast day's I can tell you that. I mean, I don't expect to see 50 Cent holding his maltese on the cover of his next album. So now, in one of the funniest moments of the season so far (and remember we had a rickshaw last week) Diddy has now turned into Paris Hilton. Next episode don’t be surprised if Diddy talks about what a skanky bitch Nicole Ritchie is, and calls everything “hot�.

Next we see the girls all perform. The first couple of groups do OK, and we get another look at Aubrey in her insanely low cut pants and exposed stomach. I'm like a deer in headlights when that comes on my screen. And I swear those pants keep dropping lower every show. At this rate of descent they’ll start at her ankles by the end of the season. And I have no problem with that.

The next group. Well, they sucked. It was like they were channeling a really bad 80’s song. Think Bananarama with bad dancing. Even the clothes looked horrible. Diddy stops them in mid stream and tells them they suck. He doesn’t want to go through another season of this bullsh*t. He tells them to try it again and they better get it right this time. Well, they don’t. They are worse than before. And when the music ends they cut to Diddy’s pissed off looking face and do a feedback joke. That was just too funny. I half expected tumbleweed to start drifting past their feet. And I'm only half joking. This show is nuts.

It's time for Diddy to make his cuts. And when Diddy makes his cuts he goes into his iceman mode. Ruthless and deliberate. Only this time he does it with the queerest dog in the world by his feet, so it takes a bit of punch out of it. It’s like being lectured by Zsa Zsa. And he decides he is cutting Chelsea and... thats it! See what I mean about him zigging when you expect a zag?

After Chelsea gets her requisite hugs and leaves we see her in the post interview talking about how bad it feels to be the only one going home. Well, since Apprentice dumped 4 at once this week, there has to be a reality show equilibrium. That's the only excuse I can come up with. "In gonna personally be trying to break some of you." Diddy then tells the remaining girls. And let me tell you he ain't kidding around. He's already crippled 2 of them for god’s sake.

As the show ends we get a preview of next week, and the girls are going to Miami! I just hope they have good hospitals down there.

Posted by EdHIll at 12:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (56)

After last week's America's Next Top Model, you sort of had to wonder if there would be any drama left for this week. We have narrowed the field down enough that we are getting to the point where you could make a case that any of the remaining girls could be the next top model. There is sort of a sense of anticipation not only because there are fewer and fewer weeks until we are finished, but you know that the stakes are high for all of these girls right now. The girls have invested a lot of time and energy into the process by this point, which makes being sent packing all that more difficult. And yes, I know the title wasn't original, but I laughed so hard at m_ruvs newsgasm title, I thought I would pay homage.

There was still a little bit of fallout from the Jayla stole Nik's secret thing from last week. Nik can definitely hold a grudge and she has pretty much refused to associate with Jayla. For her part, Jayla realizes that Nik is angry, but it's no reason to treat her poorly and act immature. Oh, that's right, I forgot that being mature involves talking behind somebody's back and making a threat to her on camera. Actually, maybe it was a promise. I remember it was my 5th grade teacher that introduced me to the phrase "that's not a threat, it's a promise" trying to get me to narc on my friends. While I promise you that I am completely surprised by how huge of a bitch Jayla has become. Now, I'm going to be honest, this is a modeling competition and I think that she has a good look, but why the attitude?

I was beginning to think that Jayla hadn't made any friends, but then I noticed that Bre was holding her legs in the air positioned like she was going to get a bikini wax. It turns out that Bre was just helping Jayla crack her hips. I guess when you haven't felt the proper love of a drunken biker 'twixt your nether regions, you have to do something to hold you over. I thought the protocol was a warm bath and perhaps a massaging showerhead, but this could work as well. Jayla's hip cracked, and I am sure Kim was taking notes on the proper angle for whenever she gets back to her girlfriend.

It wasn't too long into the show when Tyra paid another visit. Each girl was going to have a personal photo shoot coached by Tyra. It was going to be very simple, black and white, and she said it was something she and her friends do all the time. Let me tell you, there's nothing like having a few friends over, drinking a few beers, and the pulling out your F-body and going vogue. And sometimes, when we get really loaded, we whip out the macro lens! Yeah!

Once I calmed down, I watched as Tyra brought out a photographer friend and started. Tyra wasn't only the coach to give them some encouragement, she also applied the makeup. As always, this close interaction with Tyra always means a lot to the girls. A lot of the people who are in the competition are huge fans of Tyra, and she remains a huge inspiration, even for the ones who aren't as familiar with her career. It's tough to judge a black and white photograph because a big part of the final outcome is a result of the format, but from the poses that she had them go through, I was kind of wondering how they were going to pull off the edgy and dramatic shots that Tyra had promised when she first came in the house. The inspiration she gave was simple, telling the women to say to themselves "I'm a baby" or "I'm a virgin". And did anybody else notice the look on her face when she said virgin around Jayla? It was like she wanted to say "I could smell the fornication on you once you walked off the plane."

The photo shoot didn't last long and there was some Tyra mail. Nicole read it and announced that everybody was going to Paris tomorrow! YES! Everybody was celebrating and screeching and preparing themselves for the wonders of a 35-hour workweek and croque monsieurs as far as the eye can see. Well, it would have been something to look forward to if Nicole hadn't been joking about the whole thing. You have to admit, that was a pretty good joke to pull considering how susceptible the audience was going to be. Instead they were asked if they were a diamond in the rough. It made Kim very happy, because some of her most enjoyable moments in life come from finding that diamond in the rough. You know, the button in the bush. What do you mean you don't know what I'm talking about? It rhymes with Delores! It's there, my health teacher said so.

Speaking of Kim, it has been many weeks since Sarah had been taken away from her. If there was anything that would convince you that Kim has that masculine edge, it is the way that she got a girl to love her and then having spent an intimate evening with her (how intimate is still up for discussion), decided to act like it was nothing special. Like the song goes she hit it the first night and she wasn't even trying. Sarah wasn't around long enough to feel the pain of Kim's rejection, but Kim was able to find somebody to get close to while Sarah was gone. Yes, Kyle and Kim, while not an item, were definitely becoming great friends. She said that "me and Kim joke that we are the only sane ones". I am sure she meant to say "Kim and I", but I am not so sure that they are sane. Then again, maybe it's a case of opposites attract. Kyle is the girliest of the remaining girls around and Kim is, well, I don't have to explain all of this do I?

I thought it was funny how early on Kim would say that straight girls always go for her, like it was something that she couldn't help, but if you look at her first with Sarah and then with Kyle, maybe she seeks out the naive on purpose. I of course can't say that Kim is like that for sure, but I she is attracted to Kyle and Kyle is dumb, at least if we listen to Jayla. Jayla said that Kyle wasn't intelligent and she can only feed off of what other people say. Just last week I was mentioning that Kyle always plays it safe, and maybe it wasn't lack of talent but rather lack of brains that was keeping her from succeeding.

Bright and early the next day, the girls head on over to Griffith Park. Before we relocated, the TVgasm offices had a nice view of Los Angeles from the roof of our building. What a great view of downtown that was. Unfortunately, there was the little problem of one person who enjoyed peeing in the elevator and the little hole in the roof of my bedroom that would pour buckets of water right by my window if it was as much as overcast. But whatever. Once at Griffith Park, they learned that they were going to be going through Camp Technique. A model has to be very fit, and could there be a better way to see how fit these girls were than to watch them go through an obstacle course?

Well, you know how the old saying goes. If there's grass on the field play ball! Well, there was no grass on the field for these girls and there was no grass on the obstacle course either. But that's OK, because the other half of that saying says if there's no grass, just roll around and play in the mud! There was plenty of mud for the girls to get dirty, and they were definitely going to be rolling around in it.

Whenever these athletic challenges arise, it's always fun to see which girls are up for it and which ladies are not about to get in the muck. Lisa was up first and it was going to be really hard to match her level of enthusiasm. After getting some eyeblack wiped on her face, she attacked the course like it was a handle of Belvedere. The course wasn't super hard. Climb over a couple of walls, jump over a couple of hurdles, and then under a rope net. It was this last one that had most of the mud, and if the girls wanted to get through it very quickly, they were going to have to dig in and pull. After the mud, a small sprint to the finish and then you were done.

While not everybody got into it with quite as much gusto as Lisa, I think the girls realized that this was another part of the game. Tyra asks you to jump, and you say "How high". Refuse to do something they ask of you, and you can get sent home, just ask Cassandra. Kyle was really tentative going through, but nothing compared to Nicole. You know, she's from North Dakota and the state drink is milk. Therefore, you might assume that cows were pretty important in the state and that Nicole would be used to the smell of manure? Marge Gunderson wouldn't have been scared of that mud. Youuuu betcha!

The great thing about mud is that there is also a high probability of some sort of slapstick happening, and that was answered when Nik made her go through the obstacle course. See, Nik's pants didn't quite fit, and so her pants would basically fall down after only a few steps, display her G at a moment's notice. At first she tried to keep them up, but since a lot of the course requires more than one hand, a lot of the time she just had to let them go and complete the parts bare-assed. I know it's not the most flattering look, but what happened to elastic and/or a drawstring? Did Nik accidentally get Diane's pants? Whatever it was, it had everybody laughing until Nik ran triumphantly to the finish line.

Now that they had a chance to play in the mud, it was time for them to fake the funk, which was no problem at all because they had plenty of funk after all that mud and wouldn't need to fake anything. The ANTMobile was lined in plastic to keep the dirt out, and while everybody didn't enjoy the prospect of having to stay dirty any longer than they had to, Nicole was practically in tears. She kept on talking about how she felt like she was going to throw up and it was the grossest thing she ever saw in her life. Maybe Nicole's mom likes her sister more than Nicole because her sister doesn't cry all of the time.

The purpose of getting everybody dirty was to have them do a gosee with Elle Girl. One of the focuses of the competition is stressing the ability to look and act like a model at all times, and if you portrayed a model image while covered in mud, think of how well you would look once you get cleaned up. All of the girls lined up in front of the three member panel and gave it their best, when they were asked what they would bring that was new, different or better to elle girl. Jayla spoke about how the music she listened too was so much different, and then name a few bands. She was so proud of how unique she was until one of the women on the panel said "Oh, those are all very Elle girl" and shattered Jayla's little I'm a rebel, alternachick, Jehova's witness who smokes and fornicates, and let her know exactly how ordinary she was. Most of the girls picked up that the idea was to seem natural despite the odds, although Nicole was still complaining about having to get dirt.

The panel had mostly good things to say about everybody, although they did have some constructive criticism telling Kim that she needs to be able to change up the one thing she was good at (her edge), Kyle that she needs to display more range, and Bre that she needs to display her confidence in her photos as well. They also said that Jayla was shy, but I didn't really pick up on that. Lisa ended up being the winner because of her energy and she won a one on one fashion course for her and her alone.

Lisa is the one person in the group that could have done without the any more model training, and her win brought a little bit of jealousy from the others. Kim said that she was probably the least pretty of the girls there, which I guess sort of misses the entire point. Lisa's big drawback is that she is old, and ANTM is usually concerned with bringing a new and fresh face to modeling. This is only my third cycle, but I know that after fresh, they want unique, and while Lisa is not always a stunner in person, she REALLY brings it for the photos, don't you think? Anyway, the fashion consultant was named Todd Hallman. He had Lisa do a few walks, gave her some pointers, and in the end reminded her that she needs stronger conviction in her walk. Still, he said that overall she was amazing and had a way of pulling you in with her eyes.

Back at the house, the girls were getting cleaned up from the mud. There were only a few showers, and although it would have been great if they had decided to save water, shower together, and take pictures to show everybody how fun conservation could be, they simply complained about people taking too long in the shower. Some people were more concerned about the dirt than others. Kim saw that Jayla had decided to get into bed without showering and was absolutely disgusted. She used some of that Jayla bitchiness on the girl herself. I have poured it on Jayla lately, so I will say that she did put down a towel before she got into the bed, and wasn't complaining when other people were taking awhile to get finished. Not that I needed to say anything to Jayla to make her feel better, because she picked up on how Kim is sarcastic, largely because she isn't doing very well and may go home.

Indeed, Kim was worried about how she was doing. She said she was hanging by a string every week and wanted to rock at least one competition. Kim was explaining all of this stuff to Kyle and it was apparently distracting enough that Kyle poked herself while she was applying some eyeliner with a pencil. It was sort of funny, but I mention it because I was out at a bar a couple of weeks ago, and I saw this guy with an eye patch, and we aren't talking a Darryl Hannah in Kill Bill, maybe it was an eyeliner accident eye patch. This was a full on, either he's a pirate or a biker and it's not a temporary thing type of eye patch. I was thinking that if he was going to pick up chicks, he has to be very careful where he stands or he could miss a lot. And what if somebody asks you what happened to your eye and you have a really stupid story like "I was playing Scattegories drunk with some friends, and my buddy though a pencil, and that's all she wrote". Wouldn't you HAVE to try and come up with something better?

The photo shoot this week was going to be a promotion for the new Ford Fusion. Jay said that they wanted to see how well the girls did balancing the line between sexy and sleazy, something he says Tyra is the master of and well, you know I agree. Looking to earn their promotional paycheck, Jay said that the Ford Fusion generates heat, and what they wanted to do was a modern version of the 40s pinup girl, which I think is a great shoot. I studied pinups for a while, and they have such a history in Americana. Jay was also impressed when Lisa mentioned Vargas, as in Alberto Vargas, who along with Gil Elvgren is probably one of the most famous pinup artists from the 40s and 50s and 60s. (And for something a little more offbeat, try Art Frahm.)

They couldn't just put a bunch of girls in stockings and garters and call it a day. Jay wanted to go a little sexier in his interpretation, so he employed various corsets and such to get the look he wanted. Corsets are fine, and their entire application makes you think sexy, but they are also very painful. Still, the tighter the better. As the wardrobe person said, I’ll tighten until you can't breathe, then tighten it a little more. The hair and makeup was also dramatic and they used wigs on a number of the girls to make things better.

Lisa was first and I thought really rocked it, but I think most of the girls did really well. I would like to pretend to add some suspense to what they look like, but why waste a few paragraphs when you know I am just going to pick my same favorites anyway?

Yes, that's right, I skipped Bre this week. She really looked uncomfortable in her picture and with good reason as she said she couldn't breathe. Although the photographer gave her points for trying, you can see she was really affected. I replaced her with Nicole, who I thought looked great this week. Something about those fishnets that made you want to think nasty thoughts like Nigel. I would have been thinking more nasty thoughts, but it appeared that some of the corsets the girls had on gave them a little too much lift, and so they had some of the girls put on tank tops. Just airbrush the nipples you fools! Not all the girls can pull it off, but we know Nik and Kyle can. Why do you hurt us so?

It looks like Lisa may have run out of alcohol because she suggested that the girls should go out and have some fun. Maybe she was just sick of being cooped up with all of these young kids and wanted to get out. They headed to Venice Cantina, and proceeded to get down. Nicole was really drunk and looked like she was making everybody uncomfortable by talking about how somebody was going home the next day. You know that everybody knows it, but it's not something to say out loud. You don't go into an oncology waiting room, pick up the latest issue of the New Yorker (or field and stream if you got there late) and say "Shit, you know, like half of us aren't going to be around her in six months. THAT sucks." Likewise if you go to an AA meeting and the only thing you can say is "Well, it's going to be horrible when most of you in here relapse, but at least it won't be me!" It looked like Kyle was really depressed. Uh oh. They focused a lot of attention on her and kept on mentioning she has no depth, and the judges HATE models without versatility or personality. Is she going to go home? The hottest one left?

At panel, the girls were given three minutes to visually express what they thought was sexy. They ran into another room, started changing, and came back through one by one. Some of the girls went casual, like Lisa and Bre. Lisa was in jeans and a beater, and Bre wore boxers and a t-shirt (didn't she say she liked briefs better last week?), trying to go for that, more natural, not dressed up look. Nik and Jayla went with the straight out sexy. Nik picked a little black dress which, let's be honest, is never a bad idea. Still, the judges wanted her to display more confidence in person. Good pictures, but not a model face to face. As Nigel said, it's not the outfit that makes her sexy, it is her, and she is selling the outfit.

Jayla also went with strong sex appeal, with a Lolita look of low-rise jeans (I still thank God every day for that trend) and a halter. She's a bitch, but she's hot. If she tones down the hate a bit, she has some great sass that will work to her advantage. Kim went right to what she knows. She came in doing the preppy boygirl look, and she pulled the same thing off in a tennis skirt and sweater. It's just something about her face that is bugging me. It's like a girl who was once hot was in a car accident and they had to spend 12 hours putting her face back together and they ended up missing a few pieces and we are left with a lot of bloating because of the swelling. I know a lot of you still like her, but she is seriously starting to creep me out. I don't know why, but as I was watching this, I thought it would be great idea to see her fight Jared Leto. I don't know why it was so humorous, but I would put my money on Kim, unless it was to see who could put their eyeliner on with more skill, and then I would go for Jared. But here's the picture since the judges liked it:

The only real disaster was Kyle. She came out dressed like her boyfriend from Wisconsin had picked out what she was going to wear. Yeah, at first glance it was appealing with the small shirt and the short skirt, but honestly, nobody with any sort of fashion sense would have put those two items together, and the judges let her know it.

Remember how I said I wasn't sure how those simple poses were going to turn into dramatic poses? Well, quite obviously, I am an idiot because those black and white shots were very dramatic. The closeups were up close and personal and whatever that stuff she applied to their faces were, it gave the pictures a very rugged and powerful look to them. I didn't think that Lisa's was all that great, but the judges loved the look of it, and the expression on her face. Clearly they were looking for something other than I was. I thought all of the pictures were well done, but none of them were something I would put on my wall. Maybe I am just not sophisticated enough. Of the black and white pictures, I think I liked Bre's the most. One of the judges mentioned it was the first photo to do her justice, and I would have to agree. And wow, Nicole with those eyes! Here are some of the black and whites:

With two pictures to compare, the judges had a lot to work with. They were all really impressed by Kim's pinup. The hair and makeup did do a lot for her, but I think the only reason it was exceptional is that it seemed to bring out something other than a mediocre performance on her part. As Miss J. said "You've bought a ticket on the gender bender bus, and now it is time to get off." The judges seemed to like that she was learning a little bit more each week. Nik's was probably my favorite pose - show a little bit of butt, over the shoulder. Very sexy. Nicole caught a little bit of criticism because of her attitude. The panel didn't like the way she responded to the questions, as she will nod her head say "OK" repeatedly, but make you think she is bored with what you have to say and is planning on forgetting it later. Nigel also mentioned that Lisa looks old, and they were searching for some way to get Nik to turn up her personality a little more. They are also really starting to like Jayla because she seems to be taking the most risks and they are working out for her.

The bottom two were Lisa and Bre[that should be Kyle and Bre, thanks mabella]. Every week is now going to be some variation on the patented Tyra "each of you girls has what the other one needs". For those who those needs might not be so obvious, Bre had all of the desire, but Kyle had all of the natural looks. In the end, it came down to the girl that the judges thought they would be able to work with more, and they decided that girl was Bre.

Seeing Kyle go was a surprise, but not like seeing Ashley go the first week. Kyle has been safe, the judges hate safe. Her beauty was exceptional, but she hadn't seemed to learn anything from being around the model business all this time, and her choice of outfits proved it. She just wasn't the palette that the judges were looking for. Kim had started crying when Kyle was in the bottom two and really lost it when Kyle's name wasn't called. Just goes to show you Kim, don't get close to anybody. That way you won't get hurt. You'll be a shell of yourself personality wise and the judges will kick you out and save me from having to make bad innuendoes about lesbian sex and your pudgy face. And that would be best for all of us.

Was it time for Kyle to go home? What did you think of the black and white pictures? Who will be eliminated next?

Posted by at 2:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (54)

This photo of the Laguna Beach cast at the VMAs has been floating around for some time, but it made me wonder. Based on this picture, what awards would these kids win?

Winner, Most Hollywood: Cedric

Winner, Most Gay Hollywood: Jason

Winner, Most Wannabe Hollywood: Stephen

Winner, And You Are? Jeff

Winner, Best Pregnancy: Alex H.

Winner, Best Alex M. Impersonation: Jessica

Winner, Best Pornstar Impersonation: Alex M.

Winner, Best Tagalong: Dieter

Winner, Best Peak of Her Life: Casey

Winner, Best Future Housewife: Taylor

Winner, Why Are You Front And Center? Morgan

Winner, Why Are You Back There? LC

Winner, Most Wishing He Was In the Front Row: Talan

Winner, Most Likely To Drop All These Fools: Kristin

Posted by at 5:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (30)

• In lo this season of celebrity unclosetings, the newest person to come out like a trout is George Takei, better known as Mr. Sulu from Star Trek. Although many are undoubtedly happy for Mr. Sulu, Lt. Uhura is PISSED that Cheryl Swoopes already cornered the market on black lesbians earlier this week. [CNN]
• Much to the consternation of Scientologists everywhere, Brooke Shields is pregnant with a second child via husband Chris Henchy. Personally, I'd like to see the inevitable Shields-Cruise grudge match televised live, because the asskicking of a 5'7" homunculus by an enraged 6'0" amazon could be pretty astonishing. [AP]
• And a headline like this just doesn't need comment. [AP]

Posted by at 6:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Wow. I don't know where to begin. If you didn't catch last night's Apprentice, I'm sorry to say that you missed out on quite the treat. If it's sitting on your Tivo still waiting to be viewed, then stop reading, and watch it. This was one for the record books -- although, unfortunately, due to the nature of my new job, the big ending was spoiled for me; so it didn't have the same impact that it probably would have had I been "fresh." That's okay though. I could still enjoy the craziness of this episode -- from the petty squabbling to the epic downfall of hubris. Plus, with all the zaniness going down, we almost forgot the best part of all: Carolyn took charge! Sort of...

We knew tonight's episode would be bad news for someone when the first thing we saw was a rainy puddle. Oooh! Ominous. But then things got even worse when we saw... a rainy bench! And then a rainy gutter! And then a rainy street light!!! It's pure doom, I tell you!!

In the suite, Felisha was damn near close to losing it. "If Kristi doesn't walk through that door, I'll be devastated," she said nervously. Well, guess what Felish? You might be feeling a little devastated because as we all remember from last week, Kristi was unceremoniously axed, leaving only the faint echo of her twang to resonate in our memories. As Jen returned from the Boardroom, everyone seemed happy by and large, but I feared Felisha might have a "spell" and faint on the carefully selected oriental furniture. Amazingly, she pulled herself together (Kristi would have wanted it that way), and then Jen addressed her team. "Clean slate. This next task, we're gonna come together." Yeah, sure, whatever. Another clean slate -- why the hell not. We'll just keep cleaning it until the damn thing falls apart.

Meanwhile, Alla announced that she'd be Project Manager, and since she and Marshawn seem like the most capable women (along with Rebecca), I had faith that she'd be able to kick her team's asses into gear. "We need to function as one cohesive unit, and I'm gonna make it happen," she promised. Sweet. Just don't tell them how you used to be a stripper. Could be a real distraction.

The next morning, Rhona made her usual phone call, and this time, it was Clay who answered the weird banana phone. And yes, it did look quite suggestive to see him holding the phallic device. Anyway, Rhona said that teams needed to pick their Project Managers and then meet in the boardroom, causing Clay to say, "In the boardroom. Interesting." Hey, don't be passive aggressive to Rhona! She's just doing her job, jerk.

Well, after everyone got dressed and spiffed up, the teams headed downstairs and dammit, no George. Second week in a row with Bill. And uh oh, where's Donald? Had I not been eagerly studying tonight's previews for the past seven days straight, I might have been alarmed. But I knew this was the Carolyn episode, and so it was no surprise to hear her chirp, "I'm in charge today!" Excellent. She then barked, "First order of business: GET ME A COMB!" Actually, seeing that she was sitting in The Donald's chair, it was only appropriate that Carolyn's hair be as messy and tussled as possible.

Anyway, it was time for a corporate reshuffling. Carolyn told Alla to drop the three most worthless people to Excel, which meant that Jennifer (okay, that makes sense), Rebecca (huh? Oh yeah, Toral lover), and Marshawn (What? She's like the best) all headed over to Capital Edge. And in return, Project Manager Josh sent back Clay (of course), Markus (duh), and Adam (sure, why not). So basically, Alla's team was full of lame, annnoying types (except Randal), and Josh's team had all the power hitters. Yay lopsidedness! See you in the Boardroom, Alla. Right?

With the teams all switched up, it was now time to get to business. "America loves sports," said Carolyn. "It's no wonder that the sporting goods industry takes in well over twenty billion dollars a year." Okay, time for a little honesty here, and yes, sometimes honesty hurts. I love ya, Carolyn, but this is really Trump's territory. If you're going to throw around the "B" word, you've got to sell it. You know, say it big: TWENTY BILLION DOLLARS! Nevertheless, the big task was to go to Dick's Sporting Goods and create an "interactive sales event" based on the sport of their choosing. The team that generates the biggest percentage increase in revenue wins.

Now, the instinct is to say sports + excel = money in the bank. But then again, let's not forget the Car Theory. Note: I'm making up this theory right now; so if you don't remember it, that's okay. The Car Theory is that every time teams have to design some sort of promotional campaign for a new car, the guys always screw it up because they always think it's right up their alley. Okay, the Car Theory is a bit broad and clunky. Point is -- hubris is a very dangerous attribute.

Speaking of hubris, or lack thereof, Capital Edge was forthright in their complete lack of knowledge of sports. But at least they had a sense for the market, and Markus pushed the idea of golf because he knew that people were fanatic about the sport. Still, it was going to be a risky venture for the team, and Alla knew it: "We're gonna wing it, and it's gonna come down to our ability to sell." Hmmm. Let me guess: the other team is going to boast about all their sports knowledge and how this task is right up their alley. (Did somebody say Car Theory?)

Before we could check in on Excel, however, there was still fun to be had on Capital Edge. Upon arriving at the Dick's Sporting Goods store, Clay began plotting out his visions for the golf expo. For a moment, it seemed like he was going to take over the task, but I should never have underestimated the pushy Russian stereotype. This was Alla's task, and she was gonna let Clay babble but not have the final word. And yes, this was a disaster waiting to happen. By the way, was I the only one who was giggling like a middle schooler when Clay said that the customers "can actually touch a couple of putters, some drivers, some woods." Ew! Clay wants to people to touch his wood! Gross!

Meanwhile, over at Excel, gimpy Rebecca was psyched to be working with "intelligent" people. She LOVES honing her inner-Toral (aww, I miss that rascal). Anyway, the team brainstormed ideas for the event, and James pushed the idea of baseball strong. Sounds like a winner. It's the American pastime. Plus, unlike Capital Edge, this team actually had a coherent plan as to how they wanted to sell their stuff. They were going to create a baseball diamond, and at each base, sell various items. I had to admit, it looked pretty high concept. I was fairly sure Excel would be the victors... that is, until James declared, "It's no doubt. It's a sure thing. It's a home run with this task." Okay, they've already lost it. Let's just go to the Boardroom now.

Later, after a long day of planning and setting up, the team took a van back to the suite. I'm not sure if she was drunk or not, but Jen was slurring her words, and when she boasted, "I could sell radar guns all day," I wasn't sure if that was some sort of bizarre innuendo for something. But no, she really meant it. Apparently, the radar guns were the most expensive items, and Jen was going to hit a grand slam (pause for laughter) on their sales. "I love the radar gun!" she insisted, adding (seriously), "Is that what it's called?" Ironically, it's called a "Zathura gun."

When we returned from the commercial break, Trump had another one of his handy lessons all ready for us: "Take it to the limit!" Challenge your teammates, he urged us, and this was illustrated by him overseeing some blueprints and blaring, "Let me see it!" To the limit!! Okay, whatever, let's move on.

So it was finally the big day. Josh and his team arrived at their Dick's store and found the baseball diamond all set up and looking pretty damn sweet. This was really going to test my Car Theory. I mean, these guys would have to majorly screw up to lose this task. Well, it only took about two more seconds to see the cracks in the veneer (and I don't mean Mark's. His teeth were still bright and beautiful). The final piece of the baseball puzzle was a much-hyped batting cage, something Josh described as the "centerpiece." Do I smell a dud on the horizon? Or is that just me?

Sure enough, the batting cage came with its own set of difficulties. First of all, the thing was huge. Gigantic. Enormous. Not that it's a surprise. After all, this was a batting cage (or net really). Unfortunately, the guys didn't bother to measure it out ahead of time, and so the contraption took up the majority of the baseball diamond, causing the other store displays to be shoved off to the side, and in some cases, behind the "outfield" wall -- a.k.a. the place where no one could see the products. Not such a great setup if the plan is to, you know, sell things.

Meanwhile, over at Capital Edge, the peppy "Things are doing great!" music piped up on the soundtrack, which meant we knew they'd be heading for a victory. The setup for the Family Golf Extravaganza was coming along nicely; although, Clay was acting up as usual. I like how when he was PM, he insisted that it was his way or the highway, but now he couldn't afford that same respect to Alla. Nevertheless, he peppered every interaction with passive aggressiveness such as annoying little comments like, "Listen before you start screaming." In an interview, Randal tried to be polite by saying, "Clay can be a difficult person to work with." Oh, just say it. He's a bitch. Luckily, Alla was there to put it all on the table. "Clay is not a man. He is an insecure, bitchy woman, times a thousand," she said in an interview. Yup. That pretty much sums it up. Despite my fairly constant ribbing about Alla's dubious past, I have to admit, I've enjoyed watching her work. But tonight, she went up several, several notches with the way she handled Clay. At one point, he started up with her about some stupid technicality, and with exasperation screaming from her body language, she simply looked at him and said, "Cut it." It was so basic, so direct, and yet so perfect. It was like the anti-passive aggression (or PA, as I like to call it).

After the next commercial break, we returned to Excel who had a huge line waiting at the batting cages. But, um, was anyone buying anything? See, here's a problem right off the bat (no pun intended). The event was designed around the baseball diamond, but the execution was centered on the batting cage. As a result, the traffic flow from the cage was completely untapped as everyone manned their stations in relatively remote areas of the event. On the plus side, I'm pretty sure Michael Moore walked in to buy a bat.

As for Jennifer, she wasn't selling radar guns as much as she was peddling snacks. We saw her standing amongst the crowd, yelling out, "Pretzels! Hot dogs! Lemonade! Zenthura!" Okay, that last thing was made up, but nevertheless, Bill Rancic was observing, and he was not happy. Not happy at all. Good to see him return from the quiet funk he'd been in all season.

Over at Capital Edge, the golf expo seemed to be doing great; although, it probably could have benefited from one of Jennifer W.'s cakes. "Qolf Expo" perhaps? Anyway, no one could have been happier than Felisha, who described her sales tactics to us in one of her interviews. I don't remember exactly what she was saying, mainly because I was distracted by her Mickey Mouse-sized gloves. Carolyn, meanwhile, was a bit disheartened to see that no one on the team actually knew anything about golf -- Alla gave a kid a wedge to use in miniature golf -- but at least she was happy to see the sales effort out in full force. Heck, even Clay rose to the challenge to sell his little butt off. And of course Alla swooped in with the back-handed compliment. "Maybe this is one of the very, very few of Clay's talents," she said. Ouch.

Well, it was time to finally tally up the results. The teams filed into the Boardroom where The Donald, looking a bit tubby, was conferenced in from his golf course. "It's really nice in Los Angeles. I'm at Trump National Golf Club checking things out," he announced in an unnecessary but enjoyable plug for his future golf course. As much as I'd love to sit and make fun of this whole "conference call," I just have to get to the results because they were just too awesome to be ignored. Carolyn read the Capital Edge numbers first and revealed that the team boosted sales by 74%. Wow. That's damn impressive, or as Trump said, "74%. That's 'uge!"

Then it was time to see how Team Hubris, I mean, Excel did. We all knew they'd lose because their failure was telegraphed through the typical Mark Burnett motifs. But the question was "By how much?" Well, Bill Rancic began by describing the baseball event and making it sound like the best thing ever: the batting cage, the long lines, the fun times. Uh oh. He's pumping them up with excitement. The higher they go, the farther they fall, and based on this misdirection, this was gonna be a doozy. Honestly, the thought began to cross my mind that maybe they even lost money. Sure enough, Bill's speech changed tones and quickly went negative. My last minute gut reaction was right. Excel did go negative with its sales percentage. But not by 2%. Or 5%. Or 10%. Or even 20%. No, they managed to lower sales by 34%. DAMN. "That's embarrassing," said a disgusted Trump before suddenly growling, "ALLA!" It kind of sounded like he was clearing out his throat. Anyway, he asked if Alla should be exempt from firing, and of course, everyone said yes. Trump then revealed that the reward would be going out to Montauk, doing some deep-sea fishing, and then enjoying a lobster bake on the beach. And yes, I was instantly jealous.

Well, Capital Edge flew out to Eastern Long Island and boarded a boat where they were warned about the dangers of sea sickness. In an interview, Randal confessed, "I don't like fishing. I don't know how to fish. I hate fishing!" You would complain, SQUIDWARD!

Taking particular joy in the reward was Clay, who reveled in the sweet revenge his team's victory afforded him. "Josh, in your face!" Clay mocked. And isn't that what reality TV is all about? Watching spiteful people play out our vicarious revenge fantasies?

Later, at the coldest lobster bake EVER, the team dined on an awesome-looking raw bar and fresh lobsters, but the meal wouldn't be complete without some Markus tomfoolery. The bumbling guy tried to pop open a champagne bottle with a nifty knife trick, but well, this was Markus, let's not forget. Not the master of being smooth. Luckily, after several attempts, he got the damn thing open, but in an interview, Alla once again went in for the kill with dubious compliment: "He's just a nice guy with very, very little ability to perform." I'd hate to get a birthday card from this woman: "Dear B-Side: I hope you have a wonderful birthday. You deserve a happy day since your ineffectual people skills most likely bring you nothing but sadness the rest of the year. Love, Alla!"

Back at Trump Tower, Josh and Mark chatted it up to discuss some pre-Boardroom strategy. Josh wanted Jen fired for her lame sales abilities. Mark wanted James fired for his dumb batting cage idea. I personally wanted Josh gone for his cocky, smug attitude. It was fairly amusing however to watch him seethe, "I can't believe they won. THEM." Well, that attitude right there is what made you lose and let them win. Jerk. For the record, despite all of Josh's haughty good-ole-boy attitude, it should be noted his success has hinged on a concept called "Smile Beauty." Worst WASP tagline EVER!

Well, enough stalling. Let's just get to the Boardroom. We knew it would be good because a) the abysmal Excel performance would undoubtedly lead to finger-pointing and an angry Trump, and b) it was another tuxedo night. Yes, a tuxedo Boardrooms are always the best, and how fortunate that this latest one would fall on the biggest defeat in Apprentice history.

Before we began, Trump explained his fancy getup. "I'm going to the Metropolitan Museum of Art tonight for dinner," he said. Oooh! I bet Melania can't wait! She's probably so excited she actually said three words. Anyway, Trump quickly began skewering Excel, and after buttering James up by saying how much the Mets liked him, he then attacked with one of his trademark loaded questions: "Don't you think that [the batting cage] was sort of a bad idea?" Translation: just how big of an idiot are you?

Bill Rancic, meanwhile, suddenly came alive this week and attacked Mark about his role in the event. Basically, Mark had spent the entire afternoon loading up a ball-throwing machine. Not necessarily the most productive use of his talents. Making Bill even angrier though was Jen who had failed to sell a single radar gun, despite her professed love of them. Oh Zathura. Jen tried to defend herself by saying that the event's scheme had changed, thus rendering her ineffective, but Marshawn suddenly piped up with "I'm not a salesperson, and I sold more product than you did, Jennifer." Ka-BOOM! Every week, Marshawn slays someone. She could make it to the final four (great, I've probably jinxed her now). Nevertheless, Jen continued to fight, saying, "I sold a handful of bats. I sold several gloves." Wow, compelling evidence! For the record, how many bats are in a "handful of bats?" Three? Four?

Anyway, because of the nature of the loss (worst ever, as we were reminded again), Trump pulled a Martha Stewart and deprived the Project Manager the right to pick who'd return to the Boardroom. Instead, he sent Marshawn, Brian (who managed to be silent the entire time), and Rebecca back up to the suite, and made the remaining four characters (Josh, Jen, James, and Mark) hang around for another round of pummeling. When the gang returned to the Boardroom, poor James had become certifiably nervous. A shiny layer of sweat had appeared on his forehead. As long as he didn't turn into a full waterworks, like Kevin in season two, he'd be fine.

Well, with the group pared down to four, we knew things would go nuts, and sure enough, a desperate Jennifer began fighting for her life. Like last week, she looked like she might break down into tears at any time, but somehow she managed to keep it together. She said fire Josh, Josh said fire her. James, meanwhile, also said Josh should be ousted while Mark pushed for Jen's firing. But again, it was Jen on the defensive the most. "I DID SELL!" she nearly screamed as everyone questioned her abilities. Josh mocked her by sarcastically saying, "Ooh, six or seven bats!" Hey, what did you sell, jerk? SMILE BEAUTY??

Jen then personally appealed to Trump by stating, "You should not fire me. That would be a mistake!" But Josh talked over her by constantly repeating, "You failed. Period. Period."

"Josh, you failed too," interjected Carolyn, completely throwing him off his game. Was the momentum shifting back to him? Would Jennifer be safe? Uh, yes and no. Trump finally shushed everyone and expressed his complete dissatisfaction with everyone. He blamed Josh for poor organizational skills, Jen for poor sales abilities, Mark for poor productivity, and James for a poor idea. But who would be going home?? EVERYONE.

"You're all fired. All four are fired," Trump said. Even though I knew this would happen, I had to admit. It was awesome.

"Go home. Go home," Trump said to the stunned candidates. Silently, they shuffled out, but Mark then addressed The Donald. "Sorry, we disappointed you. I'm better than that," he said, choking up at the end. Aww, Mark. Trump said that they all were better than that, and as the quartet crammed into the elevator, we returned to the Boardroom as Bill and Carolyn gave their usual supportive comments. Trump then stared pensively and said, "Life continues." It was the perfect understated yet dramatic capper to this insane episode. Try as you may, Martha (or Carolyn for that matter), but there's only one Trump.

As for the ride home? All four candidates suffered the indignity of piling into a single cab together. And then they sat there. And stared. And tried not to make eye contact.

Awwwwkward.

What did you think? How did this rank in the Apprentice canon?

Posted by at 5:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (69)

Lost fans, don't despair - a three week hiatus isn't all that difficult to withstand. You're already 33% through it. In fact, after the heart-stopping Prison Break double episodes that aired before the baseball playoffs break, my heart almost welcomed the respite. But I was also eager to see how quickly and how well the show would pick it up again. Unfortunately, I'll admit up front, the latest episode on offer wasn't one of the better efforts - the impossibilities are mounting up and the plot is revealing itself at a snail's pace. That said, it's still one of the better hours on television these days and I'm still totally digging it.

The show did its best to recap the season in about 11 seconds, noting that Lincoln Burroughs was scheduled to die in 17 days. I'm still confused about a) how this will go on for 22 episodes and b) how they will handle a second season, which the show just signed on for. Then again, we had those same (legitimate) concerns over 24 as well, and that turned out fine. I hope and pray they come up with some casting as delightful as Edgar and Chloe.

After the quick recap, the show jumped off with Michael out in the prison yard (AGAIN) talking to his escape buddies Abruzzi and Sucre. He explained that their cell was New York City and the way out, through the infirmary, was California. The pipes they'd be walking in between the buildings were therefore Route 66. Cute story, Michael, but Mr. Know-It-All should have put a US map tattoo on his thigh or something. Route 66's eastern terminus was in Chicago - Michael's hometown. Abruzzi didn't care about that oversight; he was far more concerned about how he was going to join the escape at all. Aha, Michael had that sorted out - the gang would need to dig an "on-ramp" through the floor of a storage building situated between the cells and the infirmary into the escape pipe. All that would require is a reason for the work detail crew to be in the building, unsupervised, with digging implements. And all that in less than 17 days - no problem!

What was a problem was T-Bag, the racist gay rapist pedophile murderer guy with the NC-17 nickname. Since he knows about the escape plan, he is now a huge liability. He also wants to know about the developing plans and how he's going to join the crew for the big night. T-Bag does have the boys by the balls, so to speak, and he knows it. Everyone hates T-Bag, but no one can piss him off - lest he sing to the guards about the hole in Michael's cell wall. Damn, a real Catch-22... I guess you could call this a Major Major Major Major problem. (That's right, I'm going with highbrow literary references on you this week. Gotta do something to keep those crazy Laguna commenters away, right?)

T-Bag had other problems, namely the fact that he murdered poor Bob the guard in cold blood during the insanity of the legendary Fox River Prison Riot of Yesterday. While it appeared most prisoners and guards had forgotten about the long ago rampaging riot, poor Bob's wife was crying in the Warden's office about her dead husband. It really got to Warden Pope when the wife mentioned that the picture of their daughter was missing from his wallet. He instructed Bellick to get the killer at all costs so they could bring him to justice. Now would be a good time to mention a few things... Why are the prisoners still allowed to roam freely and have recess a mere day after a murderous riot? Especially T-Bag, who started the whole damn thing? Didn't any cameras catch the murder on videotape? Well, I guess the prisoners had a good night of quiet or something and everything was more or less forgotten about the famous Fox River Prison Riot of Yesterday.

Outside the prison walls and back in Chicago, lawyers Nick and Veronica were discussing the anonymous death threat they received at a nondescript pay phone in Washington DC. Y'know, the one that named them specifically and proved that their every move was being watched by someone evil and powerful? Well, Nick didn't seem all that concerned, as if he receives such threats every week or so. This conversation obviously pained poor Veronica, as her facial concavity was more disturbing than ever before. Must. Stop. Staring. Veronica lives in a nice apartment building with the world's nicest superintendent. This guy, who reminded me of Lennie from "Of Mice and Men," wheeled Veronica's luggage up to her door as a favor and even went so far as to unlock the door for her and enter the premises. Well, maybe his eyeball and a couple toenails entered the room as a fiery bomb exploded as Lennie turned the key and nudged the door ajar. Thus giving real supers everywhere all the more reason to be the lazy bums they already are. Thanks a lot, Prison Break.

Over in jail, Abruzzi suggested that a fire would be their best bet at working a PI detail in the storage building to which they needed access. Michael thought about it and agreed - they'd only need to start said fire. Again, while they were discussing their plans, T-Bag sauntered up, this time with his boy-toy in tow. This kid looks like the love child of Thom Yorke and Seth Green - which kind of bugs me out because I love Radiohead and think Seth Green is actually pretty funny. They brushed off Bagger and he again threatened to "sing" about their escape. Couldn't Michael use the murder of Bob as leverage somehow?

Remember Lincoln's dumb kid LJ that we tried to forget about several episodes ago? He's back, sharing a moment with his doomed father. LJ even admitted to breaking a coffee table a few years prior, but even that heartfelt confession didn't sway Lincoln to cop to the murder of the Vice President's brother. Lincoln displayed a positive attitude regarding his precarious position, noting that his lawyers were working on his issue and a reporter was even meeting with him to expose his story. Whoopdedoo, on this show all the reporters are from Fox News - so I can't imagine they'd ever do a story that contradicted official government statements. (Ooooh, literary references AND political zingers! Now we're totally rid of the Laguna Crew!)

Bellick went about shaking down each prisoner's cell looking for the picture of Bob's daughter - as though that would be all the evidence needed to implicate the murderer. Of course, a shakedown meant that the guards may find the giant escape hole in Michael's cell (though I thought by bolting the toilet back in, the hole would be covered) but they still felt that they couldn't rat out T-Bag. Oddly, during the lockdown/shakedown, the prisoners were all let out onto recess (AGAIN) where the work detail of Abruzzi, Michael, Sucre, and Lincoln made their way over to the storage shed they needed to breech. Michael burst through the door only to find a shotgun pointed at his head! Oh no! The "Storage building" had been converted to the Correctional Officer's break room! Hoo boy, that's INTENSE.

Amazingly, even though a death row inmate had just burst through the guard's break room with 3 other prisoners, they were all allowed to slink back to the general population out on recess. It was decided that the good natured old man with the cat (every prison has one!) would have to be brought onboard for the escape. You see, he was "in" with the guards and had access to their break room on his own special work detail. Michael immediately set to buttering him up with an impressive recall of Westmoreland's crime history. There had been a rumor that he was actually DB Cooper, and Michael spelled out the convoluted, but plausible, reasons why he agreed with the theory. Michael recalled dates, timelines, cities, and flight numbers - all without help from his tattoo! He can't remember to get a screw from the bleachers to use on the only toilet in his cell, but he can remember that flight 264 flew from Portland, OR to Santa Fe, NM at 8:31 PM 20 years ago? I guess we can assume our Michael is one of those idiot savants. Sadly, Westmoreland had a rock solid alibi for not being DB Cooper and wanted no part of helping any escape plan. He was just too close to parole and he'd been too good for too long. Damn.

The show jumped around all the different plotlines, hence this recap is a bit scattered as well. I'll button one story up right now though - Nick and Veronica escaped the bomb blast with a few flesh wounds and tattered Pirates of the Caribbean sleeves. That Lenny superintendent guy absorbed about 99.9% of the blast and died instantly. Nick whisked Veronica away from the city and into the woods to some cabin his dad put together. The cabin is "off the grid" and no one knows about it, so they'd be safe from whoever was trying to kill them. If this is all just a creative plot for Nick to bang Veronica, I must say, I'm impressed! The Secret Service guys did show up at Veronica's apartment later to check on the damage, saw the body bag, assumed it was their intended target(s), and were satisfied that their job was done. Now that that's out of the way...

...We can get back to the prison for some more of what we watch TV for - escapism! *Rimshot!* Dunderheaded Sucre had a plan for starting the fire in the guard break room; they'd coat the bottom of a coffee pot with rubber cement, have Westmoreland bring it in, and wait for the show! Michael complimented Sucre on his idea, but balked because Westmoreland was adamant about not helping out. But... What does every straight prisoner want more than anything besides his freedom? That's right... Pussy! Westmoreland had lost his, so Michael retreated behind the walls and happened to come across his missing cat. The cat had, of course, run away in the confusion of the Great Fox River Prison Riot of Yesterday. (Upon re-reading, that is just soooo Vonnegut!)

It didn't take long before Michael found the cat and was able to corral it. His plan was to return it to Westmoreland and use it as a sort of "nice bribe" in order for a return favor. Westmoreland was very appreciative of the return of his missing cat, but still wouldn't budge. God... You know... You get a guy a little pussy and you'd think the least he could do is bring a coffee pot with rubber cement on it to the break room. Nope, not this guy - he simply thanked Michael and bid him adieu. Already pissed off about the old man, Michael made his way up to Dr. Tancredi for his insulin shot. She thanked him for saving her life during the now long forgotten riot, but pressed him on the lie she caught him in. The one about having been in the prison duct/ceiling system on a work detail previously. That didn't go over too well, as Michael merely glared at her with his steely eyes, rolled down his sleeve, and got the hell out of there. You'd think for such a quick thinker, he'd have come up with some excuse. But his action more or less screamed, "Damnit! You caught me! I'm trying to escape and I've become familiar with the whole interstitial workings of the entire prison! By the way, wanna make out?"

Catching up with the Burroughses, Lincoln was giving his exclusive interview to reporter Sue Parsons. I didn't quite catch which paper she worked for, but who cares - she seemed to be a nice enough lady and she was helping our wrongly accused Lincoln! After a few softballs, Ms. Parsons' tone changed and she suddenly turned evil. She told Lincoln to, "Give it up and accept it and just die!" Wow. She then reached up and quickly tore her human mask off revealing her true identity - Sue Parsons was the Succubus! AaaAAaaAAAaaRRrrrRRggGGhhhHH! Ok, not really, but it seemed like it as she continued, "If you don't just accept it, your son is going to get it. One Burroughs is going to die!" Mwuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuuuuuuuuuh. She then got up and walked right out of the Federal prison, despite Lincoln's screaming protests. Yet another situation that simply would not and could not happen (I've been kind and skipped over several others thus far - I know it gets tiresome.)

Surely this Succubus reporter lady was bluffing, right? Um, no. If we've learned anything, it's that the two Secret Service guys are the most prolific assassins since, like, forever. In fact, one of them was immediately at LJ's door scamming his way into the house. LJ was a little skeptical about the visit and asked for some identification - which he got in the form of a 9mm gun pointed at his tender young head. Bear in mind that these two guys have already committed several murders, undetected, on behalf of the US Government. Hmmmm, CTU, are you watching? Looks like two guys you should hire immediately now that Jack Bauer is hiding out in Mexico and all.

As LJ was staring down the barrel of the gun, his mom and step dad arrived home and caused disruption. It was all very exciting as LJ avoided certain death and escaped to the basement. Him mom, unfortunately, wasn't so lucky and took a couple shots to the dome. LJ snuck outside and down an alleyway only to run into - evil Secret Service Agent Kellerman who also was kind enough to show some "Identification." A random tumbleweed blew by as a crow screeched in the distance. Sweat beaded on LJ's brow as he reached for his weapon - a cell phone. The scene had it all - The Good (LJ), The Bad (Kellerman), and The Ugly (LJ's dead and bleeding mom, not 3 feet away).

"Nine one one send, do you think you'll hit four buttons before I hit one," Kellerman wittily grumbled as he reached for his gun. Good point. Then, just when all was lost, the step dad appeared and bashed Kellerman over the head with a 2x4! Gosh, some step-parents will do just about anything to win over their ungrateful step kids. Even martyr themselves apparently, as Kellerman put two bullets in LJ's step dad’s heart. LJ was able to escape somehow, but was now running the streets of Chicago in his bare feet. Kellerman called LJ on his cell phone and essentially boasted that he'd be caught and framed for the murders, tried as an adult, and all that good stuff. Framed for the murders? Yes, because the agents were busily putting LJ's prints on the gun and leaving his shoes nearby. Sigh, CSI has ruined this stuff for us; for we know even the most backwater forensic scientists would find some inconsistency with the scene. That, or they'd find it curious that a government issued cellphone call was placed to LJ's phone around the time of the murders. Trying to suspend disbelief, really, I am!

Meanwhile, up at the prison, Bellick was now on Westmoreland's case about the murder of Bob. He even turned on the waterworks in an effort to crack the old man. Please, the dude has been on the inside for 30 years - you think some crocodile tears are going to sway him? Ha! Westmoreland stuck to the prisoner's code and refused to rat out T-Bag. A dejected Bellick slunk out of Westmoreland's cell with one final thought: "It would be a shame if something were to happen to your cat." Ooooh, the cat. Now that's what I call a real pussy threat, y'know?

Up in the infirmary, the kindly African-American nurse caught Dr. Tancredi reviewing Michael's case file for the umpteenth time. The doctor claimed that she was simply curious about Michael - she couldn't "figure him out." The nurse, who knew better, simply smiled and reminded Tancredi that Michael was a criminal. Ever the idealist, Tancredi thought out loud, "I think I can make a difference in his life." Gee, doc, he DID save you from a brutal gang-rape and assured murder... It's the least a girl could do. The whole wise-black-nurse-innocent-white-girl-in-love-with-the-wrong-guy thing called to my mind the relationship between Matchett and Portia, who simply couldn't get over her fixation on mean old Eddie. (How's that for totally obscure literary reference? First person to prove they read that book gets special mention next recap! Ain't no WAY the Lagunerds are still with us now!)

Out in the yard, Warden Pope has told Lincoln the bad news: His ex-wife and her husband had been murdered and his son was now a fugitive and the prime suspect. Lincoln was understandably upset and knew something was amiss. He begged to be allowed to call his son, but the warden was firm - "No! You cannot be allowed to do that! If you do, you will be charged with aiding and abetting a fugitive!" Um... So? Lincoln is scheduled to DIE in 16 days now for the pre-meditated murder of the Vice President of the United States's brother. Then Westmoreland found his beloved cat dead on his mattress. Not quite a severed horse head, but it'll do, I suppose.

Shit started going really fast at this point, so bear with me. T-Bag, sensing that the guards were putting the screws to poor old Westmoreland and that he'd soon squeal on him, asked him cell-mate to take the murder rap for him. Of course he said no, but what's important here is that we learned his name is Chokey. Hmmm, gay T-Bag... Presumably gay Chokey... Joke is right there for me to find... What is it? Three weeks off and man am I rusty. While Chokey was denying the offer of the T-bag (Geeze, I know I'm SO missing the obvious here), Westmoreland entered the guard break room with the fresh angering thought of the not-so-fresh pussy that stunk up his bunk foremost on his mind. He had free reign of the place, so he snuck one of Bellick's cigarettes, sat down, and enjoyed a smoke.

Out in the yard, brothers Michael and Lincoln were discussing the recent murder of his family. Boy was Lincoln steamed! He had had enough of Michael's dithering plans and decided he wanted to escape NOW! Just as Lincoln was about to do something completely stupid, huge plumes of fire and smoke rose from the guard room! Westmoreland had done it! All would be fine now - well, except for the dead ex-wife, dead stepfather, framed fugitive son, date with death in 16 days, Dr. Tancredi catching on, T-Bag ready to spill the beans, the shakedown that was about to find the escape route, the lawyers stuck in an Evil Dead cabin in the middle of nowhere, and OH MY GOD! The Popsicle stick Taj Mahal wasn't done and the warden's anniversary was fast approaching! The horror.

Later, the craziness just kept on comin,' as a fire marshal pointed to Bellick's brand of cigarettes as the culprit for the fire. Just as the warden was about to read him the riot act (which would have been in poor taste if the recent riot hadn't been so quickly forgotten; RIP Bob!) T-Bags' boy SethThomGreenYorke showed up to rat out the murderer. Finally, we'd be rid of one of the most offensive characters on TV - if only because T-Bag promotes the idea that pedophiles are also gay.

Except that the kid ratted out Chokey, not T-Bag! Choke on THAT! Bellick found the picture of Bob's daughter under Chokey's mattress and that was all it took to wrap him up and drag him away. With Fox River Prison's system of justice, I fully expect Ivan Denisovich to be seen wandering the halls any day now. (Ok, Ok, I promise - no more literary stuff. But I did keep them all pretty much high school level, right?)

The fire did allow Abruzzi, Michael, Sucre, and Lincoln to get on the work detail to clean up the building. Of course, T-Bag once again noticed the four hi-ho'ing off to work and demanded he get in on the fun. Amazingly, with the snap of Abruzzi's fingers, T-Bag was given some coveralls and the proper clearance to join the crew. They were then left alone in the room with all sorts of sledgehammers, pickaxes, and other deadly implements - because that's how they do. A day after a giant riot started by T-Bag during which a guard, Bob, was killed while transporting Lincoln Burroughs back to his cell. So on one hand, the prison has an unheard of laissez-faire attitude while on the other, a completely arcane system of injustice. Oh Prison Break, you beguiling mistress, I love you.

In the final scenes, LJ Burroughs was huddled in a phone booth, terrified, wet, and shoeless. Ah, but he did have his cell phone. While Kellerman was correct in that LJ couldn't have hit four buttons before being shot, he was able to hit one button - to take a photo! Of course, as is the case with cell phone cameras, his picture totally sucked and we couldn't make out if it was a picture Kellerman about to kill him or one of a Jehovah’s Witness about to offer the latest issue of Watchtower. Oh well.

And finally, the two Secret Service dickheads were seen sitting in a rather well-appointed office talking to a woman - hey, it's the Montana garlic/pepper chopping woman of episodes past! The evil lady directing their misdeeds and murders! What would she be up to this week - chopping a nice basil chiffinade perhaps? The camera slowly panned across the room towards the mysterious woman and HOLY CRAP! SHE'S the Vice President! She's ultimately responsible for the murder of her own brother! She's Patricia Wettig! Is she still married to Elliot after all their problems? What does this all mean?

Don't know, as we didn't really learn much this episode other than that there will be no more Chokey Chokey for T-Bags because Westmoreland gave up the pussy to Bellick. That, and camera phones still suck.

Posted by at 11:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)

Another week, another ride on the Martha Rollercoaster. Last week, despite Jim's annoying clown act, the challenge and the show itself was pretty compelling. Perhaps because the show revolved around something Martha can relate to - creating food in the kitchen and force-marketing it to bored housewives. Before learning about this week's task, we were treated to a couple rather uncomfortable scenes - neither of which involved Alexis Stewart! But even before that, we had to endure yet another week of the insufferable Jim regaling the world with more blather. His Primarius teammates were all hoping to see Jennifer return to the loft having survived Martha's tepid "Goodbye." After all, Jim had been in the hot seat almost every week, everyone hated working with him, and he is a complete and total liability on every task.

But lo, Apprentice: Martha Stewart jumped the shark last week by getting rid of a decent candidate in favor of a stunt cast dickwad to create "controversy." But like Omarosa and Danny before him, Jim just succeeds at making viewers mad and angry at the show. Issuing hollow declarations like, "I warned Jen not to bring me in there with her," and, "These people are not ready for me! They're busy worrying about me and I'm busy worrying about winning!" No, Jim, you're only partially right. They ARE busy worrying about you alright - busy worrying about you losing another task for them. Jackass.

After Jim's little show, there was an incredibly annoying buzzing of the doorbell. Initially, the candidates looked terrified and confused that someone had come calling - geeze, last week the phone's ring caused fearful looks, this week, it was the ceaseless buzz at the door. BZZZ, BZZZ, BUZZZZZZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! Damn, whoever it was certainly didn't have any manners or patience. I figured it must be Jim's wife who had stopped by to serve him divorce papers for missing the birth of his daughter. Or maybe some wacky character lined up to test the patience of everyone as a sort of business lesson... BZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZZ!

Nope, it's Martha Stewart herself! She surprised the gang with an impromptu visit and tour of the living quarters! Everyone looked nervous as they gathered around their Mistress in the kitchen. She asked the Silent Croatian what he'd been up to that evening - perhaps because she was still fearful of the future serial killer. He positively beamed, "I took a little nap!" Ok, that doesn't sound so creepy in writing, but trust me; it was totally childlike and weird. Martha then roared through the loft, doling out little passive aggressive Marthisms like, "Your rosemary is dying." She then tested some bedposts and countertops for dust and gave disapproving looks to everyone. She lamented the bunks and close-quarters, even comparing it to, "you know where." Oh, Martha, you so fuh-nny! You went to prison and now you're back on TV! She refrained, however, from asking Howie if he had made Ryan his bitch yet.

She happened upon Jim and told him that he'd (finally) be tested as Project Manager this week. Jim, of course, took the opportunity to be an egotistical dick and declared, "I'll be like Babe Ruth, pointing to the wall and hitting a home run!" Did that mean that he'd also prove himself to be a sexist drunk like the Babe? Time would tell. (Pssst! Yes.)

The next morning, Martha was clipping some bushes as she called the loft to tell the wannabes to meet her at 9AM at her Connecticut studios. Are we still supposed to believe that Martha actually prunes her own bushes, rather than the army of illegal Salvadorans we all know she employs for just such tasks? Cripes, Martha probably employs someone to trim her own unruly bush, let alone her gardens. Though I doubt it's a Salvadoran man - though that imaginary scene makes me laugh for some reason. "You simply must remove all the stubble. You simply must use the wax of bees from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. You simply must shape it in a perfect witch's hat for the Halloween season! Gaze upon my mons pubis!"

Anyway, we were treated to another awkward scene up at the Westport, CT studio. (Shout out to the Merritt Parkway sign I've seen a thousand times! Southern CT in the hizzouse!) Martha was with her dog and some ubernerd named Marc Marrone who apparently hosts some show about pets that Martha produces. This guy has his own show?! I figured it must be some public access thing, but apparently not. Marc and Martha were having a stilted and embarrassing conversation when Marc just happened to mention that the pet industry was a "34 Billion dollar industry." Alright! After Wishbone last week and its measly millions, we're back to the more Trumpish Billions with a B. The candidates arrived and Martha proceeded to explain the challenge. I only half listened as I was still reeling over the fact that this Marc Marrone guy has a show and not only that, but that it tapes in the same studio as Martha's cooking show. Eh, a little monkey poo never spoiled anyone's endive crab dip, now did it?

This is from nbc.com and explains what the teams had to do: The task involved dogs. Each team was to work with four celebrity dog owners to negotiate a personal experience with each of them and their dogs that would be sold at the Beneful Celebrity Dog Auction to raise money for a charity called “Broadway Barks,” which is devoted to homeless dogs and providing funds for New York animal shelters. The winning team would be the one that raised the most money. Thanks nbc.com, because honestly, I just didn't get all that from the show.

Team Matchstick would be working with Chad Pennington (the oft-injured Jets quarterback), Fran Drescher (the annoying yenta), Bruce Villanche with his neckfat, and Merv Griffin (the cryogenically frozen producer). Team Primairsupplius would have the pleasure of meeting Paul Sorvino (the typecast fat Italian guy), Susan Lucci (famous for being a loser), John Lithgow, and Todd Oldham (the fashion guy.) Seemed like a pretty fair match up, actually. Though if there's any justice in the world, Bruce Villanche would get the lowest winning bid by far. I mean really, you'd have to pay me to hang out with that dude. Why is he famous again?

At this point, the show got really choppy and destroyed any notion of continuity. Therefore, my recap will jump around as well. First, Dawna, Amanda, and Project Manager Marcella met with Fran Drescher to kiss her ass a bit. It turns out that Amanda shared something in common with the former "Nanny." They are both cancer survivors - certainly nothing to joke about. However, have you ever heard of eye cancer? Me neither, but Amanda had it. EYE CANCER? That sucks. I think her admission stunned her teammates, as they pretty much just sat there mute.

Then, out of nowhere, it was time for some MarthaWisdom. She explained how pets are a really important part of any family and... Actually, that was about it. At this point I did notice that Martha carried her dog, Francesca Blackburne, everywhere. She carried her at the TV studio, she was now carrying her at the office, and she carried her every subsequent time we saw her. For a second I thought Martha had rescued a crippled dog - but then I remembered Francesca Blackburne isn't the only bitch in the Stewart household and realized that no, Martha was just being the pretentious millionaire that she is.

Quick, over to the Jets practice facility where Ryan, the Silent Croatian, and Leslie were meeting with Chad Pennington asking if the winning bidder could gain access to the Jets locker room. The answer was no, of course, because that just doesn't happen. I'm not sure what they settled on with the experience, but I did notice that Ryan was totally in love with Pennington. Another thing was that David, the Silent Croatian - people, I know he's not really Croatian, spare me the email. I'm sure Zagreb is lovely this time of year - as I was saying, the Silent Croatian was, well, he was silent. It took Charles all these tasks to notice this and he finally pointed it out. But you know what? I'll take a quiet, introspective kid like David over an old man who constantly sucks on an unlit cigar. Charles was worse than ever this week, swishing that thing around his mouth like it was his job.

Excuse me... What's that? Who is contacting me from the other side? Oh, Sigmund Freud? Sure, sure, you can interrupt this recap. No one reads it anyway - this is Martha Stewart's Apprentice after all. What's up? Charles? Yeah, if he's not fondling the cigar between his fingers he's actually sucking on it. What - sorry, yes, I sprechen zie deutch. Ya. Ya. Ya. Sure, I'll translate for the readers. Siggy says that Charles' mom didn't breastfeed him and, as I had previously mentioned, he also has a really small pecker.

Sorry about that. Shit happens all the time around Halloween. Jim, Howie, and Carrie then met with Paul Sorvino, his daughter, and his mangy dog. They met out in Central Park and agreed that the Sorvino prize package would involve a Hollywood dog trainer and filming the winner's dog and putting it on a DVD. Um, that's great and all, but where's the "Endless Pasta" meal at Olive Garden with Mr. Sorvino? What? You laughing at that joke? Am I funny? How am I funny, like a clown? What is so funny about me? What the F*CK is so funny about me? Tell me. Tell me what's funny.

Bethenny and Sarah else with Susan Lucci who agreed to a "Diva doggie day" experience to auction off. Howie, Carrie and Jim got John Lithgow to agree to allow the highest bidder to be on stage at his current Broadway show. Then it was time for the heaviest hitter; Bruce Villanche. No, really, I mean the heaviest hitter. Memo to Bruce:

Dude, grow your beard again. Your chin/neck/thing is a truly disturbing sight. Your face looks like some creepy Photoshop where they took a normal person's face and melded it onto a shaved down sow's ass. Or a hippo's jowls. Or Jabba the Hutt's flanks. I would assume that when you eat, you often actually miss your mouth and jab the fork into your... Your... I don't even know the name for it. A "Chinneck?

Then my favorite part of the whole episode occurred when they unfroze Merv Griffin from his liquid nitrogen bath and Leslie, Ryan, and the Silent Croatian probed him about some of their ideas. Of course, only Ryan and Leslie probed Merv, as David remained silent while typing some notes on his laptop. Merv, whom I assume is a pretty cool old queen, told David that his note taking was annoying and that he was essentially useless. David laughed his uncomfortable nerd laugh and Merv just continued to make fun of him. The scene, as well as Charles’ follow-up criticism, completely justified everything I’ve been saying about David since the premiere. And it felt really good.

That night, Team Primaries K gathered for dinner at what appeared to be a Chili’s or Chi-Chi’s or some equally lame spot. Guys, YOU ARE IN MANHATTAN IN NYC, not Manhattan, Kansas. Project Manager Jim certainly chose the destination, as he was by far the happiest one of the bunch. Completely forgetting his poor wife and newborn at home, Jim declared, “Let’s get drunk and have sex!” The look of disgust and apathy on the others’ faces was great. Even they “get it.” It’s not like they were upset or fired up at Jim’s boorish antics, you could tell they knew it was all shtick and that he was just a pathetic loser.

Jim continued as he kept ordering beers, shouting, “Get me three bottles of Cuervo, a beer bong, and a keg!” Woo flipping hoo. Jim: The Life of Any Party. What a complete tool. Carrie eventually got upset at Jim, - but only because they had work to do early the next morning and a hungover PM wasn’t the best way thing for the team. Jim, reverting to 9th grade, began peer-pressuring Carrie, whose hair never progressed beyond 9th grade. Ugh, this whole scene was so annoying; let’s just move on.

Carrie and Sarah met up with Todd Oldham the next morning and got him to agree to some prize package where he would design a room AND an accompanying dog room as well. Remember back when Todd Oldham was hip and edgy? Me neither, but he must’ve been at some point, right? Both teams had secured all their stars and had promises for some pretty decent packages. All that was left was the auction itself.

Bernadette Peters hosted the auction – unfreezing Merv was apparently a 2 fer 1 deal down at the lab. We were treated to a split second of Alexis on camera making a pained face as her mother opened the festivities. She totally hates this show and hates her mom more for forcing her to contribute to it – though “contribute” is WAY too strong of a word. The auction proceeded and not without a few surprises along the way. If you didn’t see it, play a little game with yourself… guess how much each star would get for their little doggy inspired prize package. Go ahead, I’ll wait... now guess among: Pennington, Sorvino, Drescher, Lucci, Villanche, Merv, Lithgow, and Oldham.

My faith in humanity was restored as Bruce Villanche’s package garnered the lowest bid at $1900. Wait – did I just say “Bruce Villanche’s package? SHUDDER. Lucci and Pennington were next, both under five grand. Merv and Lithgow got $7250 and $8500 respectively, which left Oldham, Drescher, and Sorvino. Get this – Oldham, $17,000. Sorvino, $15,000. Drescher? $28,000. Faith in humanity – promptly unrestored. No way did any of you guess that correctly. Blah, blah, blah, in the end Jim and his team Primerronthesideofcautionius won the task by a couple grand causing him to launch into a series of cocky palpitations and proclamations. Sigh… and now we’d have to suffer through him enjoying some great reward for winning the task.

Except this is MarthApprentice where rewards aren’t rewards at all! Awesome, another non-reward week. Martha tricked the winners again by explaining that helping out the homeless dogs was reward enough; thank you and have a good night! Suckers! Surprisingly, Jim didn’t go ballistic and demand a tangible prize of some sort. Eh, I guess he was content to just go get hammered again to forget about his wife, daughter, dignity, pride, and self respect. The good news? No Jim in the conference room this week! The bad? I hate to admit this but… most boring conference room – EVAH!

We don’t need an asshole in there to make it watchable, but we do need someone who actually speaks. After absolutely no attempt at misdirection, it appeared that the decision would come down to PM Marcella and the Silent Croatian. Everyone agreed that Marcella could cook, but that she couldn’t really be an executive leader of men. As for David, Charles was all over his ass about his inability to speak or make a single decision of any sort. It was great when Charles removed his cigar and said, “David, with your odd hair, fashion, and demeanor, it’s like you’re a Silent Croatian or something.” I’m not even kidding, I swear.

LimeyJulia appeared quickly as she welcomed David and Marcella back into the conference room. Martha, who clearly wanted nothing to do with either of these inexperienced kids, asked both, “Why do you want to be an executive here at my company?” David came up with an interesting answer about how he wants to run her Internet department because he had noticed several opportunities for improvements. One was that if someone searches for “recipe” on Google, Martha isn’t the first hit! David, dude, I know you don’t cook for yourself but when I Google “recipe,” I want actual recipes, not Martha trying to sell me one of her stupid books. Bad idea – unfortunately both Charles and Martha ate it up. Alexis? I wasn’t sure she was actually still in the room.

Which reminds me, Charles and Martha (and I) piled on David for being silent and unassertive. And yet, freaking Alexis gets away with being a gargoyle week after week. Why is this woman even on this show? Marcella was asked the same question and did a good job of kissing Martha’s ass but then took,“100% of responsibility.” Ouch – isn’t that just punching your ticket for home? Apparently not, as Martha said “Goodbye” to the Silent Croatian stating that he was simply too young and inexperienced.

She added, “And your hair is just way too greasy. Now go back to your mom’s basement, lay off the Hentai, stay away from the Serbs, and … Alexis? Alexis are you awake?” Actually, I can’t really blame the poor dear as I was drifting myself at this point.

Did you remain awake all the way through that conference room?

Posted by at 11:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (24)

You know, I was all excited to see The Amazing Race: Family Edition finally leave the country on Tuesday night, and yet, the episode still seemed rather forgettable. What's gone wrong? I mean, the challenges were hokey but nothing more ridiculous than anything else that's appeared in seasons past. The language barrier was in full effect; so that problem was no longer an issue. And the casting isn't at fault because we surely have a wide swath of enjoyable characters running around the screen. Maybe it's the sheer volume of people -- I still don't know all their names -- that's making it hard for us to create a connection. Or maybe we're still reeling from this season's massive stumble out of the starting gate. Nevertheless, Family Edition may be dull, but it's still heads and shoulders above lots of other televised offerings. And hey, with heartwarming touches like this week's two-hanky Paolo story, it's nice to see the show can still blindside us with an unexpected dose of true emotion. So I guess what I'm trying to say is... I don't know. I'm tired.

This week's episode opened up where we left it: in New Orleans (and yes, Phil was sure to do his whole "This is dedicated to the memories of the victims" bit before the opening credits). It was sad and creepy to watch footage of the once-vibrant city, but luckily, the "ick" factor was short-lived as teams learned they'd be heading to Central America. Woohooo! Finally! I have to admit, I was quite relieved. As the Bransens opened that first clue, I fully expected some stupid command like "Drive three miles and find the world's largest toothbrush." But no. Instead, they were to fly down to Panama City, Panama and then trek out to the Smithsonian Tropical Research Institute. There, they'd have to take a boat out to an island and find a man in a hammock named Ricardo Diaz. Ooh, this sounds like a low-rent John LeCarré novel. Now all I have to do is read a John LeCarré novel to get my own reference!

Anyway, the Paolos were the second to leave the Pit Stop, and as they happily bounded to their car, we cut to an interview with matriarch Marion Paolo as she said, "My ideal situation by the end of this race would have DJ put his arms around me and say, 'I love you Ma.'" And with that, she choked up and let out such a sweet, loving hiccup of a noise, that I couldn't help sighing like an emotional housewife watching an Extreme Makeover: Home Edition marathon. Of course, I laughed too.

Having a less sentimental time was the Linz family, who hit the road all full of eager excitement. "I love high school spring break. I hope we can check out sixteen year old girls!" said Tommy.

"That's the wrong Panama City, isn't it?" corrected Megan.

"Not Florida," added another one of the brothers. It was a funny clip and all, but I personally was more amused that the Linz family seemed more preoccupied with Tommy's geographical errors rather than his apparent penchant for statutory rape.

Meanwhile, the Godlewski family came pouring out the starting gate, and within seconds, they were piercing my eardrums with their accents. "You guys, we've got to get to the street lamp and look at the mayap!" one sister insisted. Then Christine, famous for bawling over last week's backpack controversy, popped up on screen to say, "I may be bossy, but my ideas are also the best." For instance, her latest great idea was the new charity, "No Backpack Left Behind," an organization dedicated to raising backpack awareness. Because sometimes, you just really really really want your backpack.

Up next were the Weavers, and man, this family really has me conflicted. I really want to vilify them, but some small part of my conscience keeps holding me back. I mean, Linda Weaver is clearly a nut job, and I'm not saying that because she's overly religious. She genuinely seems like a woman on the verge. And I kind of feel badly for her because you know at any moment, the producers might just find her in some dusty corner of the Pit Stop, rocking in the fetal position and whispering some random phrase over and over again. Plus, even though her kids don't seem like the sharpest tools in the tool shed, they're also just kids -- and kids reeling from the loss of their dad. So how can I in good conscience rail on this mentally fragile clan? Well, I guess I'll do what I always do: let them say something stupid and then point my finger and laugh (blogging is so fun).

Sure enough, it didn't take long for the Weavers to say something dumb, and in this case, one of the daughters revealed her theory about alliances: "I understand alliances, and I understand that they might help, but they're ssstupid!" What about an alliance with THE LORD?? Yeah, gotcha!

Meanwhile, the Godlewskis approached the airport, and as they pulled up, one of the sisters ordered, "Put your backpacks on!" Wow, they really do have quite the strong pro-backpack agenda. Are they moles from North Face? They are, aren't they?

Last to leave the Pit Stop were the Gaghans, who have struggled to stay in the game for the past few weeks. I have to admit, I was fairly turned off by this family at the start of the race, but sometimes if you see enough pluckiness, you eventually cave in. Fine fine FINE! I like the Gaghans. They're not my favorite though. Actually, come to think of it, I kind of like all the teams that are left. Ain't that a dilly of a pickle? Anyway, as the Gaghans bounded to a taxi with their usual perkiness, young Carissa said, "I'm excited that finally we're getting out of the U.S." Wow, for once I actually agree with Dakota. Now run! WHEELS! WHEELS! WHEELS!!!

Over at the airport, everyone lined up at the Continental counter, and as the Paolos began their latest round of bickering, the Godlewskis suddenly piped up and said, "If you're gonna argue, please step out of the line. Take it elsewhere, please!" If this were an '80s sitcom, the audience would have applauded. Remember when that used to happen on sitcoms? Mary would finally muster up the energy to tell someone off on 227, and then when she did, the audience would reward her with a kind round of applause. Especially if said moment involved slamming the door in someone's face. Man, I miss that. Another thing I miss about sitcoms: humor. (Although, I firmly believe Everybody Hates Chris is seriously one of the funniest sitcoms to air in years.)

Anyway, the Godlewskis weren't done wagging their finger. "He's absolutely cruel to you. What are you doin'? Be nice to your mom!" said one of the sisters, putting DJ on the spot.

"I haven't been that bad," the typically rude son replied. Yeah, not that bad. Except for every single time you open your mouth..

Well, at long last, the teams boarded their flights, and we were treated to the first airplane diagram of the season. Much better than those dinky roadmaps we've been sitting through for the past few weeks. Anyway, everyone touched down in Panama, or P. Ma, as I like to call it, and then it was a race to the Smithsonian Tropical Research Institute.

"If anyone ever would have told me I'd be in Panama with my mother crossing a river with crocodiles, I'd tell them they're out of their minds," DJ Paolo said as his taxi crossed said bridge. And I'm sure the driver was thinking, "If anyone ever would have told me I'd be in Panama driving this douchebag and his mother over a river with crocodiles, I would have shot them." So you see, you never know what hand life with deal you.

Meanwhile, the Weaver family helped reinforce the asshole/ignorant American image by condescendingly blurting out Spanish words in the backseat of their limo. "Burrito," "Conquistador," "El Speedo," the kids all said as Linda Weaver happily smiled on the sidelines. That's like a bunch of foreigners coming to the U.S. and randomly saying "Cheeseburger," "Coca-cola," "Disney World." Fairly insulting, yes? Unless, of course, the Lord told them to act that way -- which is entirely possible.

Well, the groups all arrived at the Smithsonian place, but wouldn't you know it? The boats to the island of Ricardo Diaz would only be leaving at 7 AM. Yup, a time equalizer. Oh well. No biggie. The teams spent the night in a random building nearby, and the next morning, they hopped into their boats and sped off across the Panama Canal. And you know what that means: more Spanglish! "Por favor rapido when you can!" Christine Godlewski told her driver. And I'm sure he really understood the "when you can" part. Kind of reminds me of this cleaning lady in my old office. She would come in at night and talk to me in Spanish, and I would respond to her in English, and we'd both smile and nod, but clearly neither of us knew what the hell the other person was saying.

Teams eventually made it to the island -- although the Gaghans nearly faced disaster when their boat driver wanted to turn around and fetch a random person. Seriously, who do you pick up in the middle of the Panama Canal? Nevertheless, they too arrived, and then the hunt for Ricardo Diaz was on. And yes, I fully expect the feature-length adaptation of this episode to star Ricardo Montalban as Ricardo Diaz. Anyway, teams raced through the preserve, stumbling across Fake Ricardo Diazes lying around in hammocks. Who knew scientists were so lazy? Meanwhile, the Weaver bothered Jesus with yet another prayer of grave magnitude: "Lord, please lead us to Ricardo Diaz." The Lord then replied, "Yeah, sure. I'll get right on that. Top priority." Who knew the Lord was so sarcastic?

Eventually, the Godlewskis found Ricardo first, and as Christine approached him, he said, "Yes, I am Ricardo Diaz, and here is your clue." Not that Christine heard any of it. She snatched the clue out of his hands and ran away before he could even get the third word out of his mouth. I noticed that afterwards, with every other team, he held on tight to the clue until he finished his little line. Look, he may be a scientist in a hammock, but he has things to say, people!

Anyway, Ricardo's clue was actually the next Detour: Rhythm and Coos. And wow, I just now as I'm typing finally got the pun (Rhythm and Blues? Rhythm and Coos?). With either choice, teams had to take a Red Devil bus -- or Diablo Rojo (the preferred bus for Antonio Banderas) -- and ride to a destination. In Rhythm, teams had to go into town, find four different musical instruments scattered in various buildings, and then deliver them to a club. In Coos, teams had to go to an observatory, locate wooden bird replicas with binoculars, and then successfully identify them on a bird chart. But wait! There's more! This leg of the race featured the one and only fast forward of the season. Teams would have to perform a tandem bungee jump off a crane. Eh. Not the most innovative Fast Forward I've seen. Besides, I really don't like the Fast Forwards where the first team to arrive essentially gets it. I like when multiple teams could be hammering away at the task and first to complete it wins (like in season three when Terri and Ian hunted through hundreds of rugs to win the Fast Forward). Nevertheless, the Paolos decided to go for the Fast Forward and uh-oh, so did the Gaghans! The Godlewskis, meanwhile, were simply trying to figure out some basic fundamentals about geography. Christine asked a random guy where the buses were, and he sternly reminded her, "This is an island." WELL! Not one to have the wool pulled over her eyes, Christine told her sister, "I don't believe him Trish!" Uh... you're surrounded by water. Luckily, Christine came to her senses and said, "This is an island. That's right. There's no way off. This is an island. We knew that." Way to go, Chrissy! Maybe someday she too can play on Celebrity Jeopardy.

Down at the docks, our first controversy surfaced as Linda Weaver told the Linz's boat driver to go slowly. Um, Linda? Just ask the Lord. Duh. Anyway, Tommy Linz was pissed. "That Florida lady was telling 'em to slow the boat down. BITCH!" he seethed. Sounds like somebody's still a bit cranky about missing the 16 year old girls (although, ironically, isn't that how old one of the Weaver girls is?). Later, one of the Linz guys said, "That lady needs to take her crazy pills." Crazy Pills? Please, we call them "Jesus Candy."

Elsewhere, the Bransens opted for "Coos," but Dad was a little nervous. "Don't know anything about birds. Hopefully, they're not going to be that hard to spot!" Oh WalDER... Walter is such the sitcom dad. He's totally playing a part in my 227 scenario.

On the mainland, the Linz and Godlewski families joined up to work together on "Rhythm," and of course this turned into a general Weaver bashing. Tommy told the girls how Linda had told his driver to slow down, causing the Godlewskis to scoff, "Oh my gad, they're rude!" Me likey the rivalry!

Meanwhile, the Paolos climbed into their Diablo Rojo and headed to the Fast Forward. Brian then told us in an interview, "I am proud to say that my dad is a garbage man. He's been a hard worker all his life." We then saw Dad giving a big shout out to his local union. Oh man, what's with all the Paolo sweetness tonight? I just looked at the CBS popularity poll, and the Paolos have like no votes. People!! Don't leave me hanging here!

Anyway, the best part about this Fast Forward was that it completely shut DJ up. He was so preoccupied with his fear of heights that he couldn't waste his energy being a total brat. Instead, he was only a minor brat. "I feel like I'm gonna pass out," he said. GOOD. It'll be nice to have some peace and quiet for once.

At the Fast Forward, the Paolos and Gaghans had a minor foot race to be first in line, but the Gaghans lost, no thanks to Tammy who full on crashed head-first into the back of a van. It was simultaneously hilarious, painful, scary, and hilarious again.

Well, Brian and his father jumped off the crane first, and in typical Amazing Race form, they whooped and hollered to the sound of triumphant strings. "This is UNBELIEVABLE!" yelled dad as he kissed his son on the forehead. Awww. Parents.

Having a more difficult time with their tandem jump were DJ and Marion. Surprisingly, Marion was all about taking the plunge, but DJ, well, he was a pussy. "It's really only a split second when you think about it," reasoned Ma, and after some false starts, the quarrelsome mother and son jumped off to the sound of bloodcurdling screams. As they settled down on their bungee cord, Marion happily said, "That was good, D! I'm proud of you!" and with that, DJ kissed his mother on her forehead! Whaaa? A new leaf?? Grab your tissues, it's about to getting touching here in this joint.

When the family was reunited on the dock, Marion gave her son a huge hug, and he in return kissed her some more, causing her to say, "See! See! He loves me! That's what I wanted to get out of this, my son to love me!" I don't care if you hate the Paolos, that scene was heartwarming. The love! The maternal pride! The warmth! Their popularity better go up this week, dammit.

Sadly for the Gaghans, they then had to turn around and head to the Detour. Meanwhile, the Bransens had picked up a local on their bus to guide them to the bird watching facility, but you know what they say about locals: they just want a free ride. Yup, this woman conned the fam into driving her to work. Sucks for the Bransens, but it was awesome for that woman. Can you imagine showing up at work and being like "I totally conned this reality show to give me a ride today!" Okay, that's probably only cool for me.

At the bird sanctuary, the Weavers were busy finding wooden toucans, or tooo-caahns, as they called them. Linda Weaver then revealed one of her lofty goals: "I've always wanted to be a bird watcher." Well, it's a highly skilled hobby that only a few select people can participate in; so, sorry Linda. Looks like you'll have to try something less demanding, like neurosurgery.

Elsewhere, the Godlewskis and the Linzes continued to work together through the Rhythm challenge (although, it looked like the Linz guys were fetching and carrying all the instruments), and at the Pit Stop, the Paolos showed up in first place and even won a trip... to Panama. And oh god, here goes Marion again with the heartstrings: "It is nice to have a moment like that with DJ. You know, it only takes one little kiss like that to make you feel like yeah, they really love you, they do." Question: whatever happened to Marion's nifty little neck kerchief? That was the best.

After the Detour, teams then headed to a baseball stadium where they found the next Roadblock which had to do with baseball, or as Phil called it, "BBBBBAseball!" Basically, one member from each family had to hit a ball thrown by a champion Little League pitcher. After three swings, that person would then have to move to the back of the line. Sort of simplistic, but sort of fun. I approved. The Linz and Godlewski families ran over to the stadium, and on the way, the gals promised to make out with the Linz boys later. I can just imagine how they sound in bed: "Oh gad. Oh gad! Oh GAD! OH GAD!!!!"

Arriving at the Roadblock first, however, were the Weavers who sent Rolly to plate. "Oh great," he said with resignation about five times in the span of thirty seconds. And yes, "Oh great" is the perfect Rolly tagline. The Bransens showed up next, and as Beth headed to the plate, her sister Lindsay called out, "It's a chica! Be nice!" It's funny -- Lindsay's suddenly emerged in the past two weeks with all sorts of little quotes and songs and dances comments. I think I'm developing a crush. (Call me...)

Well, poor Rolly struggled at bat ("Oh great!" -- laughter and then applause. Rolly's in the sitcom too now), and when the Linz brothers showed up, they taunted him with typical baseball ribbing. "Hey batter batter batter batter batter. SSSWWWWIIING batter!" they yelled out, incurring the wrath of crazy Linda Weaver. "You guys, hush!" she yelled, before telling her daughters, "They're so rude!" Linda then yelled at the Linzes again, saying "We're encouraging everyone!" Yes, just like how she encouraged the Linz's driver to go slower. Eventually, Rolly hit a ball ("Oh great!"), and as the Weavers headed to the Pit Stop in their Red Devil Bus, Linda reiterated, "They were so rude to y'all, to Rolly. We were encouraging! That was mean!" Yeah, I hate mean, disrespectful people. You know, like the type that would show up in Panama and say "Burrito" and "El Speedo" to a local and then laugh. Oh wait...

Meanwhile, over in the Linz's bus, everyone talked about how obnoxious they thought Linda was being. "I would have told her to screw herself!" scoffed Megan. Cut to me rubbing my palms together, salivating at the burgeoning rivalry. Mwahahaha.

Elsewhere, the Gaghans zipped through the Detour and were now headed to the Roadblock. "Thank you for running so hard, Carissa," said Tammy. She then added, "We LOVE Carissa! Back to the attic, BILLY!" Well, the can-do family arrived at the Roadblock where Sharon Godlewski was struggling to hit the ball. Bill Gaghan (that's the dad, not the son, Billy) stepped up and hit one out of the park, inspiring awe in his son (aww, cute), causing the Godlewskis to fall down into last place. Eventually Sharon connected with the help of some colorful prompting ("Pretend it's that boss that wouldn't give you a raise") and soon they were off to the Pit Stop as well. Sadly for them, they had fallen way behind the pack, but the gals held out hope for a non-elimination round and put all their clothes on just in case. Uh oh -- if this was non-elimination, would Christine lose her backpack??? Better get a Valium ready, just in case.

Well, the Weavers eventually showed up at the mat in second place and behind them came the Bransens who had to dig deep in the final stretch. Even WalDER was prompting his daughters along: "Come on, Meg. Hot legs! Hot legs!" Not as cool as "WHEELS, CARISSA!! WHEELS!!!!"

In fourth place was the Linz family and sneaking in at second-to-last (again) were the Gaghans. The Godlewski showed up last, but good news! This in fact was a non-elimination round! Good thing the gals suited up because all their possessions excluding the clothes on their backs were confiscated. And Christine came in clutch by wearing a, um, black veil? Or was that a beekeeper's mask? Either way, I'm sure it was incredibly important...

Phil then closed out the hour with one of his great comedy routines: "Did you know it was illegal in Panama to wear underpants on top of underpants on top of your pants?" Oh Phil. You're just a regular Jay Leno, aren't you?

Now, I have to register a mild complaint. Unlike many viewers, I'm not anti-non-elimination, but I am anti-Fast Forward (or Yield) on such rounds. I mean, what's the point? At the very least, the producers should have given the Paolos an incredible prize for coming in first via the Fast Forward on this leg. C'mon Bertram Van Munster. You can do better than that.

What did you think? Happy that we've finally left the country? Or is it too little, too late?

Posted by at 3:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (38)

• This week, ABC ordered five episodes of a pilot called America's Next Muppet, in which viewers will choose among Muppet "contestants" to pick the newest addition to the Muppet herd (brood? swarm? hive? gaggle?). Sorry, but as a New York resident bombarded with campaign ads for Michael Bloomberg and Fernando Ferrer, I've had my Muppet fill already, thanks. [AP]
• Kate Moss is back from rehab. Really, what is there to say besides BUY COCAINE FUTURES, cause that shit's gonna go UP. [E! online]
• And yes, Angelina "Collect All Four" Jolie wants to adopt again. Not content with her recent acquisitions in Asia and Africa, she wants to go for South America and make it a hat trick. But what about OCEANIA, Angelina, OCEANIA!!! [AP]

Posted by at 3:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

What's an episode of The Biggest Loser without an unsubtle reminder that the show isn't just about losing weight. It's also about inspiring nations. And changing lives. Such as the life of Aaron from last year, who's lost 60 lbs since his time at the ranch. His secret? Getting rid of his car and getting two dogs. Why two dogs? So they'd each have something to hump besides his leg.

After last week's Elimination Ceremony, the girls have to tell the guys they voted to eliminate Jen. Needless to say, the guys are pissed, especially Mark, who leads the men in the most shocking walk-out ever. (BTW, walking-out is a $50 BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!) Mark goes so far as to tell Andrea "don't ever talk to me again. You guys are the stupidest people I know. And that's all I know." God, MENSA members can be so cruel. Mark's not very nice either.

Later, Mark and Shannon are seen outside trying to talk out their differences. Mark wants to know what he can do to make Shannon feel comfortable around the house. Shannon's answer? The perfect cheer. Too bad Mark's saving it for someone else.

The teams meet Caroline in the Elimination Chamber. Caroline starts to talk about this being a numbers game, pointing out that, according to the Scale-O-Tronic 4025's numbers, Pete and Shannon are their team's biggest losers. Meanwhile, according to public opinion numbers, Nick is still humanity's biggest loser. She also tells them that as of now their teams are gone. Wha wha wha?! Later today, the contestants will be divided into four teams, three male/female and one male/male. Each team will still compete in challenges, just like before, but at the Weigh-In, the team with the lowest percentage of weight lost will be up for elimination. The remaining players will get to vote out one member of the losing team. The surviving team member will then have to perform Cartman's rendition of I'm a Little Teapot whilst wearing a beard of pubes: "I'm a little piggy, here's my snout. Oink, oink, oink. Oink, oink, oink."

Obviously, people are upset. But perhaps none more than SFPD's finest, Mark. "It kind of floors me. I don't like anybody on the girl's team," he says, displaying a wit unworthy of Dusty Harry. "I deal with dirtbags at work, but I don't feel like dealing with them here. You tell me I'm gonna be pairing up with one of them, and it makes me sick." Thanks Mark. I'm sure Suzi, Andrea and Shannon appreciate being compared to San Fran dirtbags like The Zodiac Killer and Michael Savage. At this, Suzi cries (no surprise), while Andrea and Shannon express their disgust with Mark. Caroline tells 'em all to suck it up. "I'm stuck in a fat ranch with all you dirtbags, and you don't see me or the twins crying, do you? Bitches."

Temptation Challenge time. The winner of today's challenge will get to pick the new teams, which could be huge. To participate, the players have to choose a silver platter, only one of which has the winning card. The losers have to eat whatever's inside their platter. Everyone decides the chance to pick the teams is too important to pass up, except Shannon and Dr. Jeff. Shannon is afraid having the power to pick the teams will only make the bad blood between her and the guys worse. Dr. Jeff, meanwhile, passes because he told his wife he'd never participate in a Temptation Challenge. I can't wait to see what happens when they tempt him with hookers and gin. Pete ends up winning, meaning the rest of the players have to eat whatever's under their lid. Suzi gets Twinkies, then complains she doesn't like Twinkies. Not like Twinkies?! COMMUNIST!!

Before making his decision, Pete asks the group for their input on the new teams. Matt and Seth both say they want to be on the same team, which pretty much guarantees they won't be. Haven't they ever heard of reverse psychology? Dr. Jeff doesn't care. Shannon is upset the guys don't respect the girls as a team, and as people. Hey Shannon, maybe they'd respect you more if you ever won. Just a thought. Suzi squeeks that she wants someone who will "push me." With any luck, off a bridge. Mark says he'll take Suzi. Evidently, he already has the perfect bridge in mind. I hope he has the perfect cheer to commemorate the occasion.

Pete takes a walk and talks to himself a lot while deciding the teams. Channeling his inner Peter Parker, he tells us with great power comes great responsibility. Not to mention a shot at Mary Jane. Hubba hubba! Suzi and Andrea, meanwhile, are upstairs trying to convince Shannon the reshuffle will be good for the women. Which shouldn't be too hard a sell, because as a team, they kinda suck.

Pete decides the new teams will be Matt and Shannon (Team: Beauty and the Beast), Andrea and Mark (Team: Dirtball), and Suzi and Seth (Team: Who Gives a Shit?). This means Pete is teaming himself with Dr. Jeff, who's totally blown away that Pete picked him. "Despite all my physical limitations, my age, my lowest percentage of weight loss among the guys, Pete still has faith in me." Yeah, Pete's gullible that way. I wouldn't be surprised to find out he still believes politicians really want to help people.

Caroline tells the new teams to take an opportunity to get to know each other. Matt tells Shannon not to be offended if he doesn't talk to her. "I feel if you can talk, you need to be working harder." Guess this explains Matt's aversion to dirty talk during sex. Although he did ask Shannon if she was wearing the panties her mother laid out for her.

Bob and Jillian are shocked at the new developments. To her credit, Jillian immediately steps up and offers to train anyone who wants the help. Mark says no thanks, he's going to be training with Bob from now on. At that Jillian dares him to leave her, before using the Force to crush his trachea.

Matt seems excited about the chance to get to know Shannon. "We're two different individuals, from two different cultures," he says. "There's millions of things for me to learn, and I'd be an ass not to take advantage of it." Other things Matt's an ass not to take advantage of: shampoo.

Time for this week's Challenge. The winning team gets surfing lessons at the Westin Resort and Spa in Maui. They also win the new Diet Rite Zero Elimination Pass, so named because the winners have zero chance of being eliminated at the next Weigh-In. They also have zero chance of ever being taken seriously if this shows up on their curriculum vitae. In this challenge, the teams are divided into Holders and Fillers. The Holders have to hold a rope attached to an empty bucket. The Fillers must run to the ocean, fill their smaller buckets with water, then fill up a Holder's bucket. If the Holder lets their bucket touch the ground, they're out. The last Holder left wins the trip and immunity for his team. The Fillers work together and eliminate Pete first. Why Pete? Who knows. I'd say they were picking on the fat guy, but...

In flashback mode, Seth tells us his plan for world domination beating Matt: "Once it was down to Matt and I, my strategy was just don't let go." Brilliant! Amazingly, Seth's plan works, and he and Suzi win.

Back at the ranch, we learn that Matt's uncle died. His father told him his uncle's family wants Matt to stay at the ranch, so that's what he's going to do. Personally, I doubt Matt's tenure at the ranch is high on their list of priorities right now, but whatever. Jillian congratulates him for taking something painful and negative and turning it into an opportunity. Matt's uncle was young; too young to have a heart attack, and Matt vows it's not going to happen to him. I hope the producers aren't foreshadowing here...

At the Last Chance Workout, Jillian tells the guys she doesn't care if their legs fall off. Later, she tells them she doesn't care if they die on the floor, at least they're going to die looking good. Evidently, in Jillian's world, it's better to be legless and handsome than breathing.

Pete says after working out with Bob, he and the other guys have a new respect for the Zenmaster. Still no respect for Shannon and the girls, though. Or the mullet.

Time for the first ever Duo Weigh-In. Even though they have the Diet Rite Zero Elimination Pass, Suzi and Seth weigh in first. Good thing they're immune, as Suzi only squeeks out a few pounds (and an air biscuit on the way to the scale, if mine ears don't deceive me), while Seth drops a goose-egg. Surprisingly, nobody's as upset about Seth's zero as they were about Matt's last week, including Seth. Hell, he didn't even go outside and pee pout.

When it's Andrea's turn, Mark finally unveils the perfect cheer: "2, 4, 6, 8, come on Andrea lose big weight!" Guess it must have been too hard to rhyme something with dirtball.

In the end, Pete and Dr. Jeff lose 2.88% of their weight; Mark and Andrea 4.18%; and Matt and Shannon 4.63%. This means either Dr. Jeff or Pete are going home. Almost immediately, Dr. Jeff starts telling everyone to send him home. He's met his goals, and he feels Pete deserves to stay more than he does. Especially after Pete refused to stack the teams in his favor. I don't know why he thinks they'll comply with his wishes, though. After all, if they didn't send him home last week when they found out he has a vagina for an ankle, they're sure as heck not going to send him home this week just because he asks them to.

Outside, Mark and Andrea are trying to decide who to eliminate. Amazingly, Mark starts to cry. See what happens when you hang out with dirtballs, Mark? Next thing you know, you'll be squatting to pee.

At the first ever Duo Elimination Ceremony, we're finally treated to a shot of The Biggest Loser's most famous duo: Caroline's twins. Damb!

Matt says his uncle's death has made him realize that this is all a huge game, and therefore he and Shannon are voting out Pete. Poor Dr. Jeff. If only Matt's aunt had died, maybe he'd have granted your wish. Seth and Suzi, however, vote for Dr. Jeff. That means it's up to Mark and Andrea, who tell Caroline that despite Dr. Jeff asking to be sent home, they're voting to eliminate Pete. Dr. Jeff is obviously irritated. That, or he just has sand in his vagina ankle. As Pete leaves the room, Andrea adds insult to injury by yelling "Bye bye bitch-tits!"

In the Diet Rite recap, we learn Pete has lost 137 pounds! (That's not a typo.) And his wife's a screamer.

So what do think? Did the other players do the right thing in making Dr. Jeff stay against his wishes? Will he pull an Osten if they don't vote him out next week?

Posted by at 2:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

Ever wonder what it's like to be Fairplayed? Well, if you were unfortunate enough to catch this week's episode of RAW, you need wonder no more. This was a Fairplay of epic proportions. An upper decker for the ages. Capped off with a ten-minute skit of Vince McMahon pulling various items out of JR's ass. Seriously. This week's broadcast hit a new low. Which, for RAW, is saying a lot. I don't know if I can even describe how bad it was. Which, for me, is saying a lot.

The episode actually started off on a fairly decent note, with a three-way match between HBK, the Big Show and Kane. Of course, the announcing team's constant insistence on describing the match as "historic" got a little old. I don't think a lot of fans have been staying up late praying for this match. Of course, not many fans have been staying up late praying for a skit featuring Vince forcing his way into JR's ass with the Jaws of Life either, but that didn't stop them from doing it. HBK wins the match with some well-timed Sweet Chin Music.

Next up, we get some footage of John Cena at a NASCAR event. There's a cross-promotion I never expected to see. According to Cena, going really fast in a car "feels like you crapped your pants." I feel like I just crapped in my mouth a little.

Time to pimp the next PPV, Taboo Tuesday. A countdown clock pops up in the left corner, telling us how much time's left before we can start voting. Meanwhile, to set up voting for the match between Coach and Stone Cold Steve Austin, the King asks the crowd what they think of the Coach. Not much, evidently. Next he asks if they want to see a replay of Coach getting beer dumped on his head from last week. This they're interested in. King reveals the choices for the Coach and Stone Cold's Taboo Tuesday match: A verbal debate, arm wrestling or a street fight. Hmm, wonder which it'll be...

Coach is not happy with Lawler or the crowd. Or Stone Cold, for that matter, and he decides to go down to the ring and call Stone Cold out. Did Steph lend the Coach her balls for the night? Here comes Stone Cold's truck down to the ring. Looks like Stone Cold's going to accept Coach's challenge. Nope, it's just Steph, who nearly trips over her implants trying to get out of the truck. Someone holds up a sign that reads "Coach is a popcorn fart." Unfortunately, this sets the tone for the rest of the evening.

During Coach and Steph's bit, the crowd starts chanting "slut!" at Stephanie. Her response? "It disappoints me that our fans can't be a little more original than just using the same old stuff." Hello, pot? It's the kettle. You're black.

Anyway, Steph tells Coach her dad would love to take his place at Taboo Tuesday. Evidently he's been taking steriods working out and has put on 20 pounds in the last two weeks alone! Before Coach can accept, however, Mrs. Foley's baby boy interrupts. Yes, it's Mick Foley, aka Mankind, aka Dude Love, aka Cactus Jack. (By the way, you can vote which incarnation Foley will be for his fight against Carlito at Taboo Tuesday on wwe.com.) Seems Mick just couldn't sit back and listen any longer to someone who's so full of crap. Steph points out that JR was full of crap, but after his successful colon surgery that's been taken care of. Foley doesn't think there's anything funny about colon surgery. If only Steph, Vince and the rest of the WWE writers felt the same way...

Mick and Steph argue a bit, then Carlito comes out. While Mick's bracing himself for Carlito's attack, Steph kicks him in the nutz. Carlito then beats him up some more, before spitting an apple in his face. Such is life as a Hardcore Legend...

Triple H is supposed to fight Big Vis next, but Ric Flair attacks HHH on his way down the ramp and the match never takes place. Too bad too, as this is a match I'm sure people have been praying for late at night. I know I have. After Naitch and Hunter are separated, Flair throws his shoe into the crowd, before asking them to put him in a cage match at Taboo Tuesday. Wooo!

Back in the parking lot, we see JBL's limo pull up. And JBL actually gets out! Bischoff runs out with security to tell JBL he's not welcome at RAW, while Edge, Lita and Chris Masters are standing in the middle of the ring talking to JBL via the TitanTron. Edge asks JBL if he's curious why Edge attacked Rey Mysterio on SmackDown! last week and not him. Even if he's not curious, Edge tells him. Seems nobody cares about JBL. Mysterio's the bigger star of the two. (Considering Mysterio's 4'9" in heels, that's saying a lot.) And that's why Edge brought the MasterPiece with him to slap on the MasterLock when he was done. Yeah, it makes no sense to me either. "But don't get your cowboy hat in an uproar," Edge tells him. "At Taboo Tuesday there's going to be a RAW versus SmackDown! match." And the fans get to decide who from SmackDown! will be competing. Will it be Matt Hardy? ("I didn't know they could invent another match for me to beat him in," says Edge.) Rey Mysterio? (Lita congratulates Rey for being the inspriration behind SmackDown!'s new midget junior division.) Christian? (Edge says his old buddy will be the only one to receive fewer votes than Matt Hardy.) Hardcore Holly? (Masters is worried that because Hardcore dyes his hair blond and wears spandex, he might be gay. Has Masters never seen a pro wrestling match before?) Or JBL?

JBL taunts Masters into coming out back and trying to put the MasterLock on him. Of course, once Masters gets out there, he's told he just fell for the oldest trick in the book, as Rey Mysterio sneaks in the ring and takes out both Edge and Lita.

The polls are open! The polls are open! The polls are open!

Next we're "treated" to a "match" between Mickey James and Victoria. Even if all this match was supposed to do is set up the voting for Taboo Tuesday, it still sucked.

After the break, Vince McMahon comes out and tells the crowd he doesn't like it when they second-guess his family's decisions. Like the decision to fire JR, for example. Still, Vince always knew the fans in Fresno were full of crap. Just like good old JR. In fact, he tells them if God wanted to give the USA an enema, he'd start right there in Fresno. At that, the crowd starts calling Vince an asshole, which he uses as a segue to the video he's about to show. Seems whenever a WWE superstar is having surgery, they send in the cameras. JR's colon surgery was no exception. As Vince says, "our cameras were there when they took out a foot of JR's bowels from his body." He then warns us the following footage might be too graphic and disturbing for some. I only wish I'd taken his advice...

In the footage, Vince is dressed as Dr. Hiney. He's accompanied by Nurse Slobberknockers. And for the next ten minutes, he uses a variety of instruments (including a crowbar, jackhammer and the Jaws of Life) to pull the following items out of JR's ass: a bottle of JR's BBQ sauce, a football, a pink stuffed owl, Mae Young's hand, a bag of goldfish, an Oklahoma Sooners helmet, a Stone Cold sippy cup and a paper-mache model of JR's head. You know, cuz he has his head up his ass. To make matters worse, Vince ends the skit by banging Nurse Slobberknockers on the operating table.

This wasn't good. It wasn't funny. It was, however, enough to make me question whether I should ever watch RAW again.

Back in the ring, Vince tells the crowd that JR's condition must be contagious, because based on the reaction he received, each and every one of them must also have their head up their ass. And with that, Vince leaves the ring.

After the break, The Hurricane doesn't show up to help his partner Rosie in their match against Cade and Murdoch. Instead, Gregory Helms (the Hurricane's real name) just stands at the top of the ramp and watches Rosie get his ass beat. Yawn. At least they finally dropped the Hurricane bit. I feel a little bad for Cade and Murdoch, though. After the initial push the WWE gave them, only to have them end up in a lame match like this? They didn't even give me a chance to make any Deliverance-rape jokes.

The main event pitted Kurt Angle against John Cena, with Mick Foley as special guest referee. Overall, the match is nothing special. A little interference from Carlito takes Foley out, so Eric Bischoff runs down to take his place. Of course, being Eric Bischoff, he can't help but screw Cena, giving Angle another cheap victory.

All in all, I can't believe how bad tonight's show was. I can't believe I watched it. In fact, for once I'm thinking maybe my wife is right. Did this week suck as bad as I think it did, or did it suck worse?

Posted by at 9:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (19)

madeyoulaugh lets us know we've arrived

If you've read TVgasm at all, you have probably figured out that our main offices are in Los Angeles. This is good because LA remains the showbiz capital of the world, and wherever you find "the business", you find the people who are desperately trying to get into the business. Reality television has added a twist to this demographic because they are famous, but not really. Of course, being the celebrity whores that we are, we are still consumed by anything these people do. Recently, Creative Light Entertainment sent along a few invitations to the premiere of their new movie The Scorned, the filming of which became the E! series Kill Reality. EdHill, who did such a great job recapping during the season will give everybody the lowdown on the actual movie, which debuts on television Halloween Evening on E!, but we thought we'd share the fun we had at the premiere.

The Scorned Premiere took place at the Sunset Five in West Hollywood. It's at the corner of Sunset and Crescent Heights, which should be called Laurel Heights, but whatever. B-side and I decided to head over to check out some of the red carpet.

Here are Josh and Erika from Big Brother.
I was thinking about hitting the red carpet saying I was in the reality show "Half-Black Kid in Beijing" to see how many of these jab photographers I could fool, but decided against it.

Johnny Fairplay has arrived! Get the party started. No seriously, he was packing shooters of Grey Goose in his jacket.
In the background is the once happening club, Shelter.This dark photo accurately approximates just how dark it was inside.

We were glad to see Jonathan and Victoria show up. Both had minor roles in the movie.
You can see them on reality couples Fear Factor early next year.

Scott from Big Brother 5. Say Cheesse!

After the red carpet came the movie. I'll admit, I was going in with fairly low expectations. I love bad horror films though, so I was eager to go in. B-side, unfortunately, was called to duty of his day job and had to leave. I'll have to say that as bad horror movies go, this one is passable. Given a proper budget and Lucy Lawless, Les Moonves would air this in primetime on a Sunday. Don't believe me? How soon we forget:

Click on Lucy and prepare to be amazed.

The fun didn't stop after the movie, however, as everybody stopped by next door at Sushi Dan's, which I believe is a local chain. I didn't get any sushi, but did have some sake shots and some Sapporo.

First picture was Jonny Fairlplay. I was expecting this guy to suck, and in the film he did. I didn't get to discuss the finer points of mattress scat play with him, but I did learn that he is able to boot and rally. That makes him a winner in my book. The only thing that pissed him off was that the booze wasn't free.

After Jonny Fairlplay, Howie from Big Brother 6 came by. I never got a chance to meet with him at the Big Brother 6 wrap party, so this was my chance. Jonny Fairplay refused to take the picture, but a nearby person helped out.

Howie had a light saber, but I was wondering about this picture on his shirt. Wasn't he a Jedi and not a Sith?
Howie said he loved and LA and hopes to stick around.

Howie gave me his card and asked me to go to his website. You should check it out if you want a Howie Light Saber or t-shirt.

The next person I accosted said hello to was Michelle from ANTM 4. She and Jonny Fairplay didn't seem an item any longer, but he goes through models like we go through socks. She was excited because she recently moved to Los Angeles and just signed with an agency

A few weeks ago after a friend's birthday party at Geisha house, we hit Wendy's for late night good. It has no significance in this story, but doesn't that cashier look pissed?

Stepping outside for a moment, I chatted up Rob Cesternino. He thought I should get a picture of Bacherlorette Trish and Paulie Shore. This also saved me the embarrassment of pretending I wanted a picture of Paulie Shore. Thanks Rob!

I did finally get a picture of Trish. She is very attractive in person and I think did a good job in the movie. She is modeling and was very polite in humoring me. I was happy my cheesy line of "WIll you make me the luckiest guy in the world and take a picture with me?" seemed to soften the ice and didn't make her hurl from how bad it was.

I had to get a picture with Scott. I knew all of his fans woud like an update. Turns out he is great friends with Jonny Fairplay and JP from Survivor. You can see Scott as "Victim" in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre prequel coming out in a few months.

Scott also told me I was invited to one of his gun shows at any time

This is Katie, runner up from Survivor: Palau. She HATES being called the fat Jenna Lewis. I actually had to call B-side to remember her name, but Scott really needed to know, so B-side was glad to help out.

That was it for the evening. I didn't get everybody was there, but I think you get the highlights. I didn't get a chance to talk to Stacie J (buy the scorned DVD if you want to see her boobs) and I am sure everybody wanted to know how Trish stratus was doing, but I didn't get her either. Pamela from Apprentice 2 was there, wearing some bad fishnets. She is HUGE as in tall, and I think she intimidated a lot of people there.

Sadly, it was now about 11:30 and time for me to head back home.

Posted by at 7:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (24)

I reminded everybody last week, but I wanted to remind everybody about the TVgasm Halloween Costume Contest that we're having this year. Some people wrote in question just how TV-themed the ensemble has to be and the answer is "not much." We just wanted to give our readers a chance at some participation and a little fun. If you want to slap on a flannel shirt and say you are Clark Kent, that's fine by us. If you take some pictures of yourself looking awkward sitting at a conference table in a pantsuit and say you're Alexis Stewart, we're not going to eliminate you from consideration. Again, it's all in good fun. A few people requested that we give them an extra day so they can get pictures developed, and being the gracious people that we are, we've extended the deadline for submissions until midnight on Thursday, November 3rd. Send your submissions to contests@tvgasm.com.

Posted by at 2:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

• Countering all the celebrity mother news of late, Janet Jackson denies reports that she has a secret 18-year-old love child. In a statement, she said, "I do not have a child and all allegations saying so are false. I already have enough on my mind, what with my bodyfat reaching a worrisome 0.2% and a bitch of a rash from my titanium nipple clamp. Please leave me be." [CNN]
• Infinity Broadcasting announced today that its replacements for Howard Stern will be Adam "Even I Don't Understand My Appeal" Carolla and, yes, David Lee Roth. Apparently Peabo Bryson and Udo Kier were unavailable. [E! online]
• WNBA star Cheryl Swoopes has announced that she dabbles, shall we say, in the sapphic arts. It might hurt Swoopes's sponsorship deals, but at least Queen Latifah FINALLY has a date to the Oscars. [Sports Illustrated]
• And ushering in a new, geriatric era of corporate whoring, the Rolling Stones are releasing an album of rare tracks via a partnership with Starbucks. Apparently cocaine is just a gateway drug on the path to caffeine addiction. [Reuters]

Posted by at 1:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

This week's Smallville was very highly anticipated because it featured the appearance of Aquaman. I am not a huge fan of these cameo episodes, because the characters usually come and go in one episode, and you never see them again. Yes, that is really what a cameo is all about, but I think doing it that way really tends to break up the central story lines and leads to more confusion throughout the season. Even two or three episode arcs would make more sense. The fans love them, however, and it is kind of fun to see how often the writers try to fit in references to the comic books. And let's be honest, anything that gives us a chance to see our favorite hotties in their swimwear can't be that bad.

Even though it's almost November in the real world, it's still summertime in Smallville, and with all of that oppressive Midwestern heat and humidity, it's only natural for the kids of the area to spend some time on the beach of Crater Lake. It's really too bad that frolicking beach movies have really started to go by the wayside. Yeah, there was Real World: Cancun, but then there was From Justin to Kelly, and neither of them hold a candle to something like Weekend at Bernie's or Summer Rental. And what about summer camp movies? Admit it, you would pay to see Meatballs 5 in the theater, and probably Police Academy 8 while you're at it.

You know what I would pay to see? Lana Lang in a two-piece. Unfortunately, despite her newfound willingness to get naked with Clark, we are still waiting for something equal to that pool scene back in season two. Luckily for us, Lois has decided to come back to Smallville, and her bikini made up for the lack of skin displayed by both Lana and Chloe. I do love Lois, not just because Erica Durance is hot (for more pics, try Egotastic), but because whenever she is around, Clark turns into a bumbling idiot. And not only is she back, but Martha Kent invited her to move back into the farmhouse. Clark had a problem living with Lois before, but it's hard enough to find time to have sex when your parents are around, so the last thing you need is somebody else living in the house that has a bedtime past 10 PM. Lois is not naive, so she assures him that she is a heavy sleeper, and they can do what they like.

A lot of you are probably wondering to yourself how Clark managed to hide the fact that he has no scar while laying out on the beach. Well, he covered up the spot where his scar was supposed to be with a bandage, and Lana has no clue. Chloe sees that Clark didn't tell Lana anything and asks why Clark is lying about his powers. Obviously, we have been down this road before. Clark wants to tell Lana, but is scared that if she knows, somebody will try and hurt her. It's curtailed their relationships before, and it's bound to happen again. I do say that I can understand what Clark is going through. Could you imagine telling Lana about all of this stuff that has happened, how he gave up his powers to be with her, and how somebody close to him is going to die because he was shot when he gave up his powers to be with her. How do you take that news?

But really, since we've heard it all before and I am sure we will hear it again, why not concentrate on something productive, like how Lois looks as she dives off of the dock and into the lake. Even if she ends up looking like Margot Kidder in thirty years, you kind of understand why Clark was obsessed as an adult. Lois tries to do a back flip off of the dock, but hits her head and falls into the water. It isn't long before Chloe notices she hasn't been up in a long time, and Clark races in to save her. He is just about to rescue her from drowning, but another guy gets there first. Yes, somebody else can swim faster than Clark, and this random guy carries Lois out of the water and performs some CPR on her.

Lois wakes up, looks like she intends to punch out the guy who just had his hands on her chest, but when she sees her savior, she notices that he's really jacked and kind of cute. Clearly she is smitten, but in her Lois Lane style, she tells "Bobby Baywatch" that she appreciated the help, but that's as far as it is going to go. We do learn his name though, and it's Arthur Curry, or as his friends call him, AC.

Just because Clark decided to stay in Smallville doesn't mean he isn't interested in higher education. He is enrolled at Central Kansas A&M and his first class is history with Professor Milton Fine. Professor Fine is played by James Marsters, and for all of us that are used to him as Spike, it's quite a shock to hear him speaking without the British accent we have all come to expect. Imagine seeing Michael Jordan without his head shaved or Jack Nicholson with a woman his age and you can begin to imagine just how out of the ordinary it is to hear non-Limey James.

Since he was late to class, I am sure Clark was expecting a few words from his professor, but what I am sure he wasn't expecting was for his teacher to go off on Lex Luthor. While talking about the role of history, Professor Fine explained that history is not so much what happened, but what is written about what happened and the context through which those results are filtered. When asked what his role in history would be, Clark said he was too young to know, which prompted Professor Fine to talk about Lex Luthor. Not much older than Clark, Lex has turned his father's agrarian business into one of the leading defense contractors in the country. Even though he has gone from feeding people to killing them, he is seen as a white knight to the community because of the jobs he provides. But he says the white knight does not slay dragons, but trains them for his own use, and just in case you didn't know that he though Lex was a jerk, the professor caps things off by comparing Lex to Hitler and Stalin.

Clark isn't on great terms with Lex, but he still hasn't decided to put him in the monster category. I am sort of wondering what Clark is waiting for before he makes Lex his enemy. Maybe he forgot how just a little while ago Lex let a few people escape from a mental institution that would have had no problem killing off his family members just for the taste of an exotic drug? The secret files, the obsession with the sacred stones - isn't that enough to tip you off? Does Lex have to rent a billboard saying "I am evil" for Clark to get a clue? After class, Clark catches up with Professor Fine, who offers him a chance to work on his research team that is studying Lex and Luthorcorp in depth. Although this is exactly the type of thing Clark needs, he declines the offer because he still has loyalty to Lex.

In town AC is at the Talon, hitting on Lois. He really likes those green board shorts that she had on, and although she says that his outfit looks like Flipper threw up (what does Flipper eat? Orange and lime fruit roll-ups?), she still looks like she is fairly interested in his package. One of the things I didn't like about Aquaman is that the actor playing him seemed very stiff and unnaturally, perhaps because he got his start on American Idol. His name is Alan Ritchson and he never made it to Hollywood. But if Paula Abdul was willing to get down with Corey Clark, she would have had three or four babies with this guy. Eventually, Arthur convinces Lois that they should go to the lake. Things are going great, and he and Lois are just about to kiss when there is a high-pitched noise that pierces the air and knocks out Arthur, causing his ears to bleed. No, they didn't replay his audition tape from Idol, but instead it was something else.

Lois gets Arthur back to the Kents and now that he has had time to recover and drink some more water, he is back to normal. Bleeding from the ear is not a good sign, and would normally be cause for concern, but AC has better things on his mind. It's been a couple of days since he was able to touch lips with Lois, and he is determined to get another taste of what she is offering. Lois only offers mild resistance, but before Arthur is able to get to second base, Clark walks in (hey, it is his house) and stops all of the funny business.

Part of the reason why Clark is so skeptical of Arthur is that he doesn't know him, but that makes sense because the kid grew up in Florida and went to the University of Miami. He is positive that there is something strange about the kid, but the only thing that he and Chloe can find in his records was that he broke into a zoo to free eight dolphins. He's a member of the swim team, so how much trouble can he be? I mean, water polo is one thing, but the swim team people are harmless. He obviously has some ability and although it didn't come from meteor rock, that wouldn't be the first time Clark encountered somebody like that.

The next time Clark sees AC, which is at the Talon, he gets a little nosy. You know, it's one thing to be protective, it's another thing entirely to mess up somebody's game, and Clark was quickly going from protective to just plain jealous. Bad feelings aside, Clark wants to get to the bottom of why Arthur was there, and it must have come to a surprise to him when Arthur told him simply that he was investigating problems at Crater Lake and didn't try to hide his intentions. In fact, Arthur hadn't really been trying to hide anything about himself. He doesn't try to explain to anybody why he can breathe underwater or why he swims so fast. Lois found his blood was cold, and he drinks water like it's going out of style.

AC gets the point with Clark's questioning and decides that he doesn't need any abuse. He finally figured out what was causing the problems in Crater Lake and he was going to do something about it. The high-pitched noise that we heard earlier was actually a weapon. It had the power to devastate anything in the water such as a ship or submarine, but had the nasty side effect of killing all the aquatic life in the area. Those side effects did bother AD, and he snuck into the Luthorcorp lab in order to plan an explosive to blow up the weapon, which was called Leviathan. It was being tested for the Pentagon, and AC wanted to stop it before anybody had a chance to build more of them.

Clark had been sticking close to AC like flies on shit, so he was there to see the explosive planted and was able to remove the charge and let it detonate helplessly between his arms. AC escapes and Clark follows, but in the fight that ensues, Clark is no match for AC underwater. Despite all of that, when things have cooled down, AC finds Clark in his barn and fills him in on why he was at the lab. He's trying to prevent an ecological disaster and wants Clark's help. AC saw what Clark could do, and they would make a great team. The problem is that Clark is not so sure he wants to become a terrorist, even if he's just an eco-friendly one. He gets AC to go with him to talk to Lex, and Lex rebuffs them. He's not making an underwater weapon, he's growing super kelp that will feed millions. This is all a lie, and even if it wasn't, the super plants that Lex creates will end up killing more people than they feed. Since he has taken over Luthorcorp, how many of his experiments don't involve sort of nefarious plot? He could tell his scientists to bake cookies and they would come back with weaponized anthrax, or a pimento loaf - both are fairly deadly.

Arthur knew that he wouldn't be able to reason with Lex, but it's no big deal because he can just go ahead with the plan he had before and blow some shit up. Lex is no idiot though, and has AC captured and taken to the secret lab where he is deprived of water, and if you haven't picked up on it yet in the episode, you realize that he needs water to survive. One way that you can tell Lex is becoming evil is that he has really become good at using puns to painfully remind us all of his greatness. He has a "thirst for knowledge." Oh, I get it! Arthur is thirsty too, ha ha. We then learn that while Arthur may be a big fish underwater, on land, Lex is the shark. Oh that's great! See, sharks eat fish, so that means AC is powerless. I wonder if when all of this is done, Lex will send AC's tank top to Clark wrapped in a newspaper with a fish. Assuming Clark's parents let him watch The Godfather, that gives Lex an unstoppable trifecta of groan-inducing metaphors - enough to stop any super hero.

You know how the next few minutes go. Watching any super hero movie, the minute that the villain leaves the room where he has the hero trapped, the hero will find a way to get out of his shackles and spoil the villain's plans of world domination or lucrative arms contracts. Right on cue, Clark rushes in, turns the sprinklers on in the room, pelting AC with enough water to restore him to strength. There may not be enough time to stop the weapon unless...they work together? How crazy! They are able to destroy Leviathan just before Clark demonstrates it to his general and admiral friends. He is embarrassed and will lose funding, and Leviathan will be another wasted project.

One of the things I always liked about Smallville was the complexity of Lex Luthor. Conflicted, usually with good intentions, but often with bad results. Each year, we are wondering when Lex will reveal the evil madman that we know he will become later in life. It looks like we won't have to wait much longer because not only is he has started doing things that he know might hurt other people, but it doesn't bother him unless it affects his bottom line. The other thing we have been waiting for is how long Clark is going to stay friends with Lex despite everything he knows Lex is capable of. We may have hit a tipping point there as well, because towards the end of the episode Clark finds Professor Fine, and asks him if that research position he had inquired about is still available. Once accused of being afraid of uncovering the truth, Clark now says that he can't just stand by and watch anymore.

It's too early to tell whether Clark's revelations about Lex are going to affect how he feels about using his own powers to help mankind. Chloe sees his gift as a duty to help others, and Arthur criticized Clark for not doing more given his abilities. As AC is about to leave, it's time to let the writers drop hints about what may be coming in the future. You know, they make a pretty good team, so why not start a Junior Lifeguard Association? When Clark says they are not ready for the JLA, which is an allusion to the Justice League of America, which features Superman and Aquaman, among others.

So, will Arthur hang around Smallville and have sex with Lois? No, he is more of a wham, bam, thank you ma'am, and decides that he has to leave. There are other bodies of water worth protecting, and with Lex Luthor out to get him, he'll never be able to live a normal life. He kisses Lois goodbye, and in her disappointment, she seeks out Clark for some solace. She's afraid that she'll "never be able to meet somebody like that again" by which she means somebody who will listen to her constant bitching but still be in love with her. I know that they are trying to amp up the sexual tension between these two, but I would have to say this scene miserably fails. What we need is more Lois walking in on Clark when he is in the shower. Now THAT was funny. Anyway, Clark comforts her by saying that someday, she will find somebody even more special, meaning him, although neither of them know it yet.

I can't really say that I enjoyed this episode. It's not that I really care that they introduced Aquaman, but since they are only having him for one episode, too much of the focus had to be on AC, and Alan Ritchson is not a good actor. He's obviously great looking, but the delivery of his lines was so bad that it is enough to keep you distracted from his abs. And even though Lois had one great bikini and another fairly decent one, I still had to wonder how Clark had to sneak around to avoid his parents, but apparently they never show up when Lois wants to get busy. What I did like was the introduction of Professor Fine. We know that he becomes the villain Braniac, but it is going to be interesting to see how this goes forward. My guess? Clark works with Professor Fine and thinks he is helping to take down Lex, Clark then discovers that Professor Fine is just as crazy and dangerous, and the only person who can help Clark defeat Braniac is...Lex. That's not a spoiler, just speculation.

Next week, which means tomorrow, we'll get plenty of innuendo as Lana becomes a vampire and Smallville gets a visit from Buffy Summers.

What did you think of this episode? Do we need more Aquaman? Are Clark and Lex officially enemies now?

Posted by at 11:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Cue up that old Vitamin C song, it's graduation time in Laguna Beach. Somehow, the rocket scientists we colloquially know as Jason, Casey, Kristin, and Jessica have managed to persevere through four years of academia and are now ready to tackle the wide world of college... or at least post LB stardom. Probably the latter. Still, I was certainly thrilled for this episode, if only because we got to see nearly every Laguna parent up close and personal. The only one missing was my favorite desperate housewife, Charlene Torriero. I guess that's because her son Talan decided to spend his senior year recording the male response to Hollaback Girl (I believe the song is tentatively titled "DUMB"). Either way, high school's over for the gang. Like I'm totally going to cry! You guys! Group hug!

Last night's show kicked off with another delightful recap by Ms. Kristin Cavalleri as she recounted all the wonderful moments of last week. Okay, basically she just scoffed at Jason and LC, dismissively calling their hookup "Ugh, random!" On the enticing side, however, was news that Alex M. and Casey would be making up. Could this be? Might an olive branch -- or at least a quesadilla -- be extended? I waited with bated breath!

The show then began in earnest with the warm image of our dearest Roz sitting on a couch with her yearbook. You know, after last week's bizarro anomaly of LC and Jen bogarting the opening scene, I was a little concerned that our favorite sidekick might no longer be the queen of the intro, but luckily order was restored, and I could breath easy once again. As Roz sat with her yearbook, Kristin and Jessica suddenly bounded into the scene all full of restless energy and donkey-voiced excitement.

"Alex, you have to sign my yearbook!" insisted Kristin.

"And you have to sign mine!" added Jessica. Wow, this was like the best moment in Roz's life. Everyone wanted HER! Master for a day!

Eventually, the yearbook craziness died down, and the conversation became more pensive. "I can't believe we're like graduating," muttered Kristin. Listen, there's no one more shocked than me -- and all your teachers, I'm sure. Jessica hopped on the "Wow" bandwagon next, saying, "Like eighteen years of like --" but Roz cut her off, correcting her with "Twelve years of school." Poor Jessica. Simple math was never her thing. Come to think of it, any sort of brain functions just weren't her thing.

But hey, even though Jessica may or may not have been attending classes since the day her umbilical cord was cut, at least she managed to make it through the grueling Laguna Beach High School curriculum, unlike Talan, who we learned would not be walking in graduation. He'd be getting his GED instead -- which will come in really handy five years from now when he's working at the 7 Eleven in Rancho Cucamonga. To quote Roz, "Like, okay, random!" Yes, it's been two minutes and "random" has been said disparagingly twice. That's so standard.

And speaking of standard news that's so random I'm totally like dunzo with it, Stephen and Dieter would be heading to Laguna graduation. "Why are Stephen and Dieter going?" asked eighteenth-year student Jessica. "Cause they want to go?" No, silly. It's because they want to be on MTV more. It's the LC effect. Then again, Kristin probably had the wisest response of all: "They still like us." The girls all cackled evilly, providing the perfect segue to Hilary Duff. When we returned, we saw this episode's title flashed on the screen: "The End of the Beginning." We then arrived at the home of LC, who's fast becoming the poster child for "The Beginning of the End." Like last week, our unofficial super senior was flanked by tantastic Jen and new sidekick Heidi who was helping LC make her bed. Wow, it's like sidekick initiation. Maybe soon Heidi will get to see LC pack! Nevertheless, the girls were all abuzz about LC's latest date with J. Wahl, and they lapped up the details like a thirsty dog in a toilet. Probably the most shocking development was that Jason had picked LC up in a hot rod. Heidi for one could not BELIEVE that the car didn't have a roof. I know, it was like a vehicle from the future, this car with no roof. Some people have already termed these strange beasts "convertibles." Crazy, right? I wonder if Heidi went to school for eighteen years also.

Elsewhere in the 'Guna, Stephen visited Kristin in her "office" to pick up an all important ticket to graduation. The two then talked about how crazy it is after the prom when all that's left to face is graduation. "That's like the last big [clicking sound]," said Stephen. Is it just me, or has Stephen been relying more and more on clicks and clacks to express himself? Maybe he took an immersive coarse on Bushmen communication skills in college.

Meanwhile, over at Jessica's house, Dieter pulled up to get his graduation ticket (way to not snag one for your sidekick, STEPHEN), and while it was fun (READ: boring) to watch the former couple playfully chat, I was much happier to switch locales to Taylor's house where she and a corpulent Alex sat in lawn chairs and gabbed about Casey. You see, Casey-dilla wanted to make peace, so she had invited over the entire Alex clique for lunch. Taylor and Alex weren't totally psyched about the invitation, but it was okay because it meant they could sit around and mock Casey's voice -- which they did quite well. "It's not mean, it's just Casey," said Alex. And in other news, it's not delivery, it's DiGiorno. That made no sense. And yet, it did.

Over at LC's house, Jason arrived, but sadly sans hot rod. Too bad. I'm sure Heidi would have loved to have seen an actual car WITHOUT A ROOF!!! The lovebirds then drove off to Jason's grandparents's house, and on the way, the couple officially deemed their relationship "random." So it's official. Tonight's secret word is "random." Not that I'm looking down on it. Back in my day, "random" was quite the buzzword as well. I remember showing up freshmen year in college and a guy from Alaska down the hall from me asked, "Why do you say 'random' so much?" And then a shroud of self-consciousness descended upon me, and I never uttered the word again. Until today. Random.

Anyway, let this discussion of the word "random" not temper my enthusiasm over meeting Jason's grandparents. Would they be equally as vacuous? Would they have a similar penchant for patterned t-shirts? Would they communicate with an elaborate pattern of "Uhs" "Ums" "Yeah, no's" and blank stares? Sadly, the answers to these questions would remain a mystery as Jason informed us that his grandparents would be out of town. Blast! Anyway, the kiddos walked into the house, or estate really, and damn if it didn't make LC's place look like a crappy outhouse. Then again, with its cold concrete lines and modern touches, the mansion kind of looked like a corporate headquarters instead. So take THAT, Jason's grandparents!

Later, LC and Jason slipped into the hot tub and talked about the future, or as Jason calls it, "huh?" The topic of conversation was whether or not they could ever live far from the ocean. LC said NEVER, but Jason actually said yeah, he could. He then asked, "What's an ocean?" Eventually though, he admitted, "I could live here forever." Well, maybe you can visit Talan in the 7 Eleven.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the best part of the episode -- possibly the season. Family time! Yes, with graduation day finally upon us, it was time to watch all the 'Guna girls receive gifts from their parents and then scoff at their caps and gowns. First we caught up with Jessica who was stressing over what to wear. A red dress? A hot pink dress? This was all fine and dandy, but the big story here was that we got to see Jessica's sister Diana. And let's just say... she won't be the star of any upcoming seasons.

With the dress dilemma threatening to grow into a full-scale crisis, Jessica then called up Roz who was so nervous, she was afraid she'd cry. Looks like Dr. Frasier Crane might need to sooth her frazzled nerves. Meanwhile, over at Kristin's house, we met some girl named Blake (maybe a friend from Chicago) but more importantly, we finally saw her mom, Judith! Oh joyful day! Sorry, Will & Grace. You've been packing in the celebrity cameos for years now, but Laguna just outclassed you hardcore. Anyway, Kristin told her dad Dennis that she was feeling weird about graduating, but he calmed her by saying, "Well, we've all done it already." EXCEPT TALAN.

Well, after giving Kristin a brand new BMW SUV last week, surely Dad's graduation gift would be off da hook this week. Right? Would it be a laptop? A diamond necklace? An IRA? Well, get ready because Pops bought Kristin... a frying pan.

[crickets]

This is awkward.

[more crickets. Errant cough.]

Yes, Dennis gave Kristin a frying pan, and even though it was a random gift (and I say "random" totally without irony), I sort of liked the quirkiness of it. Plus, Dad was able to attach a hokey meaning to it by saying that now Kristin could cook up all sorts of things with her life. Unless, of course, she doesn't know how to cook up things, which is not totally out of the realm of possibilities.

More exciting than this frying pan exchange, however, was that across town, we finally met Roz's mom Lisa. I instantly liked her, mostly because she brought Roz into this world but also because she didn't seem preoccupied with appearing 22 (paging Charlene Torriero -- your Botox supplies are at the loading dock). Anyway, Lisa gave Roz a ring for graduation, and so began an overwhelming montage of gift-giving and parental cameos. First we went back to Jessica's house where we met her dad Darrell (he gave her a ring too), and then it was off to Taylor's place where stepdad Ken was busy giving her a necklace. Next stop was Casey-dilla's pad where her über-Botoxed/face-lifted/collagen-injected tranny of a mother gave her daughter what else? Jewelry from Tiffany's. This of course sent Casey squealing louder than that time Imelda served up gorditas with a side of pico de gallo. Next, we went back to Roz's house and met her modest cousin Shannon, and then we traveled over to Alex M.'s house where we found her dad Craig, her step-sister Dominique, and her stepmom Annette. Who knew Alex M. had such an exotic household: Dominique and Annette? Sounds like the starring lineup for the latest midnight showing on Cinemax.

Sadly, Alex did not receive copious amounts of jewelry, but instead a trip to Spain for a month. As her jaw plummeted to the ground, we then headed off to Cedric's house, but what's this? The end of the parental gift-giving montage? Not fair! Yes, we were deprived of seeing Cedric's parental units (I'm sure they're just as goofy as he is), and instead we watched him sort through his clothing for the perfect graduation outfit. Luckily, Jason showed up to help out, and as he went in for the handshake with a little "What's up, buddy?" Cedric pushed his hand away and full on embraced J. Wahl, quietly saying, "Cutie." You think I'm making that up, but I'm not. Who needs Brokeback Mountain when you've got these two?

Anyway, Jason then stood by and advised Cedric on his outfit. I couldn't help but feel somewhat disoriented. After all, wasn't Jason the Master? Shouldn't the sidekick have been watching him? This defies the very rules of the Sidekick/Master doctrine. Nevertheless, Cedric ultimately decided he was only going to wear boxers under his robe. He would have gone naked, but feared public embarrassment in case he became, uh, excited during the ceremony. Oh Ceddy. Fear not. Between all the teachers and the old people and the families and the boring roll call, there's very little at a graduation worth getting aroused over. But then again, if Jason were to sit next to Cedric, and if their flesh should happen to mingle in a fleeting yet torrid moment, the erectile reaction might be more than anyone could ever handle. Better wear the boxers. And some duct tape.

We then popped over to Jessica's house briefly, but long enough to see her mother who looks exactly like her, and then it was time to catch up with Taylor again. Dressed in a cap and gown, Tay-Tay had grown upset with this stunning departure from haute couture. "This hat is putting me in a bad mood," she complained. Hat? How about mortarboard, or at the very least "cap." Looks like Taylor was on the eighteen-year program also.

Nevertheless, Taylor feared that the gown made her look ugly, and while any parent would probably pipe up and say either, "Well, you're beautiful regardless" or "Graduation is not about appearance," Taylor's mom instead advised, "You need to go extra sexy so it counteracts the potato-bag effect." Way to go Mom!

Back at Casey's mansion, our former beauty queen spurred her family on by emitting one of the oddest noises of her Laguna career. The clan headed off to the ceremony, and when they arrived, I couldn't help thinking that Casey's mom Kelly looked disturbingly like Ron Pearlman of Beauty and the Beast and Hellboy fame. Needless to say, that's not a good look.

Well, the moment we'd all been waiting for was upon us. Graduation. Graduation graduation graduation. Amazingly, a new Alex was thrown into the mix. Alex B. was the graduation speaker, and she had stunningly profound things to say: "If only everyone in the world had the chance to experience the beauty and uniqueness of living in Laguna Beach." Oh, IF ONLY! Mental note: be sure to drive down to the 'Guna this weekend and experience the beauty and uniqueness of it all. Anyway, Alex B. continued: "If only LBHS had a Starbucks on campus and valet parking. Then we probably wouldn't have been so late to school so many times." She then added, "And if only the lobster bisque weren't always so lukewarm and if only we used two-ply toilet paper made from cash, not single ply. Then maybe some of us would learn something in class."

By the way, side note: way to dress up for your kids's graduation, PARENTS. Every adult male was walking around without a tie, let alone a blazer. You'd think they were hunting around for a pickup round of golf -- which they very well may have been.

Anyway, the next day, we caught up with Roz and Kristin as they soaked in the post-graduation experience. And poor Roz. I always thought she was the smart one, but either she'd secretly been on the eighteen year program or her brain had just been fried from all the activity. She could not, for the life of her, understand the expression, "The end of the beginning."

"For like fifteen minutes, Jake was trying to explain to me what it meant, and I still have no idea. The end of the beginning. I really honestly don't get it," she said, her voice filled with equal parts puzzlement and alarm.

"I'm not going to explain it to you. I don't have enough patience right now," lashed back a giggling Kristin. For shame, Roz! You know better than to ask a Master to explain something. By the way, who can't wait for the inevitable Kristin/Roz falling out? You know it'll happen someday. Maybe not this season, and maybe not even on camera. But mark my words: it will happen.

With the whole "end of the beginning" thing blowing Roz's mind, she then moved into less abstract territory: specifically, wondering whether or not the two of them would gain the freshman fifteen. "You will, I won't," shot back Kristin. Wow, she is testy tonight! Of course, the key to getting the freshman fifteen is actually making it through freshman year first, so let's hope that works out, right? (Probably won't).

Meanwhile, remember that peace luncheon at Casey's house? Well, it was time to set that in motion. Alex, Taylor, and Morgan showed up at Casey's mansion (which had been curiously decorated with giant sculptures from the Orient), and good news! "I made you guys lunch!" Casey proudly announced. And by "Made you guys lunch," she meant, "I told Imelda to make us lunch!" Well, the girls all took a seat outside, and with awkward tension hanging in the air, Alex decided to make some of the most useless small talk of all time. "How cute is your table?" she asked, clearly hoping some idle furniture discussion might lighten the mood. Luckily Imelda came by to serve up Casey's "homemade" lunch, and before we knew it, everyone was getting along like gangbusters. "Oh my gosh, you guys. This is sad," bemoaned Casey as her Peace Luncheon came to an end. Yes, the only thing sadder would have been if Casey's mom had sworn off Botox for the rest of her life.

As the show wound down for the night, we ended with the promise of a gossip-filled summer for our teens. LC and Jason walked along the beach and once again discussed their future plans, which for the most part involved moving to Los Angeles. "Been here long enough," muttered LC in the understatement of the episode. We then cut to possibly a different day and time altogether as Roz greeted Jessica and Kristin on the beach with a happy, "Heeey bitches!" Sure enough, Rozzy had the full scoop about Jason and LC, causing heads to turn and jaws to drop -- especially Jessica's. "Jason is weird with girls," commented Kristin. "Like he doesn't show any emotion or act like he even likes any of them." She then added, "Plus he's always talking about Judy Garland and dancing to Madonna. I just don't get it."

Well, let the gossips say what they want. The show ended with Jason and his gal strolling along the beach. "I love Lauren," Jason said, curiously unaware that Lauren was right there. Oh, I shouldn't make fun of him. Differentiating between the second and third person is very difficult. It's an art that only the sharpest of kindergartners can master.

What did you think? How random was this graduation? Was it totally standard?

Posted by at 5:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (422)

Big news on Real World: Austin this past week. We finally met the man behind the myth, the man behind the legend, the man behind... the cotton candy ice cream fiasco. Yes, Rachel's boyfriend Erik surfaced in Austin, and while sadly he brought no melted dairy confections, he did arrive with a small, annoying pooch in hand, thus ensuring that we'd have at least one thing to mock about him. Surprisingly enough, I was okay with this story though. Normally I hate the "hometown honey" arcs that have plagued so many seasons before this, but I've come to accept a strange truth about Austin: whenever an episode centers on Rachel, it's usually pretty good, if only because we leave with a treasure trove of laughable moments. Then again, maybe I'm just exhausted from the never ending chaos that is Danny and Melinda. Oooh, I shouldn't have even mentioned their names, lest I awaken some dreaded reality beast...

This week's episode didn't kick off in the Dizzy Rooster (phonograph scratch!) nor did it open with Danny or Melinda lying in bed (an old woman just fainted at the dinner table!). No, the show began with Rachel babbling on the phone with her boyfriend Erik. You see, the big man was coming to town, which meant it was time to begin Rachel's Amazing Technicolor Cocktease. Step 1: promise Erik sex. Step 2: arrange for a dogsitter. Step 3: prepare a vat of cotton candy ice cream. Step 4: nap. But poor Erik didn't realize his trip to Texas was going to leave him deep in the heart of blue balls. And who could blame him? Of course he'd be expecting some action, especially after Rachel told him, "And we can have someone watch Reese while we're having sex!" For those of you wondering, Reese is Rachel's puff of a dog: tiny, white, and perfect for kicking. Anyway, because it was super important that this tiny mongrel accompany Erik on his voyage to Austin, Rachel then went from room to room, asking her roommates if the dog could stay in the house for the weekend. To her credit, this gesture was a lot more selfless than just about anything else we've ever seen over the past sixteen seasons. Unfortunately for Rachel, her Reese reunion seemed to hit a snag when Wes revealed he was allergic to white-haired dogs. Dunh dunh DUNH! Oh wait, he was just joking. Never mind! A little of the ole pet dander humor. That stuff kills in Vegas! It kills! Just wait until he pulls out his Claritin material. Watch out Joan Lunden: Wes has got your number!

All this was fun and everything, but I went into insta-groan mode as we then cut to Danny and Melinda holding hands and walking the streets of Austin. Great. Was this going to be some ill-fated attempt to parallel the dramas of two relationships: Danny and Melinda vs. Rachel and Erik? Thankfully no. Turns out Danny hadn't pressed charges on the douchebag who had broken his skull, but now he was ready to hunt him down. It was clear that the entire situation was making Danny-boy tense, but luckily, he had the undying support of Melinda, who really stepped up to punchbag duty in typical happy form. "Take your aggression out on me. In bed!" she suggested in one of those "Ha ha ha ha, wait, that's f*cked up" moments. Nevertheless, Danny connected with a Detective Sullivan (not to be confused with EVERY OTHER DETECTIVE in America) and soon the wheels of justice began to turn ever so slowly. Yay!

Meanwhile, over at the airport, Rachel eagerly awaited the arrival of her boyfriend and dog. And because being annoying takes more than just a small dog, Rachel also wore her super special "I [heart] Erik" tank top, clearly purchased at a store that should burn down and never be rebuilt ever ever ever again. Well, Erik eventually lumbered down the escalator with wee Reese pokin' out of a carry-on bag, and while the happy family hugged and kissed, we then zipped back to the mansion where -- uh oh! -- Lacey was gossipin' to her boyfriend Ryan. LaceyGossip is always one of the high points of every episode, mostly because a) she's usually pretty dead-on with her gabbing, and b) it makes all the other roommates so mad. I mean, this girl has something to say about everything. I'd love to see her sports commentary: "Daunté Culpepper goes back to throw to Nate Burleson, but it's incomplete! I don't know why he always passes to Nate. You can tell they don't get along. Daunté's always like 'Let's hang out and talk,' but Nate's all like 'No, I don't want to,' which I think is really dumb because Daunté can't keep living through Nate, but I guess he's just not at that place in his life where he's ready to accept that." Or something like that.

Well, tonight's gossip was all about Rachel and Erik. You see, Rachel had been boasting about how Erik's been saving up for a wedding ring, which might seem counter-intuitive considering the two have been on a "break" for the whole season. "I'm like this guy puts money in every month to save your ring, and you're on a break??" Lacey asked Ryan rhetorically. Exactly. And because it wouldn't be a Lacey rant without a touch of "logic" (a curse word in Real World houses), she then elaborated to us during an interview: "I don't think breaks make any sense because I think it's very disrespectful, and it's hurtful, and you know what? If I'm not good enough now, I won't be good enough later." Where was Lacey last season when we had to sit through episode after episode of Shavonda and her sucky boyfriend Shaun?

Lacey then finished up her convo with Ryan by expressing concern about meeting Erik: "I want to be like dude, you're either like 'Love is blind' or you're really dumb." Um, I'm going to go with option B (one word: ice cream in priority mail).

Speaking of dumb, Reese soon made his grand entrance into the Real World mansion, and for some reason, Danny really wanted to see if the little guy could swim in the pool. The experiment was short-lived, however, when it became glaringly obvious that Reese would have succumbed to a watery death had he ventured one doggie-paddle further into the vast estuary for infection that is the living room pool. Luckily, the struggling dog was scooped out of the water and placed on the carpet where it amusingly scampered around like an overactive dreidel.

All this was well and good, but ahem, there was sex to be had. Erik and Rachel jumped under the covers (with Reese happily chilling out above them on the comforter -- hey, what happened to the dogsitter?), and just when we thought the night-vision would turn on and the boom-boom-boom would get started, Rachel announced, "I don't want to have sex." Insert Debbie Downer "Wah wah wah" here.

"There's just not that chemistry there anymore," Rachel later explained. Well, I hope you've got some chemistry with American Airlines because you best be paying for Erik's flight home. (Wow, I just turned into Mo'nique.) Yes, instead of porking, Rachel just wanted to lie down and cuddle, maybe nap. I know: very kinky. Well, Erik wasn't so into the whole nap scene, so while Rachel dozed, he headed off to the living room and played fooz ball with Wes (while Reese amusingly zipped by in the background. Huh. Maybe this dog's grown on me after all.) "I've never met one man in the military that I haven't liked, just cause they've got such a good outlook on life," Wes announced, clearly never having met, you know, a wacked-out homeless Army vet.

Later, the gang headed out to the Dizzy Rooster (wave of relief overcoming me) where a drunken Danny announced that he was going to marry Melinda someday. Uh, earmuffs Erik. But it was too late. Erik told Rachel he felt the same way about her, to which she responded, "We'll talk about it later." Yes, true love indeed!

The next day, we showed up at the Bow-Wow Festival where all sorts of diminutive dogs (and possibly rappers) showed up to run around and jump through hoops. This exciting scene was short-lived, however, as it was merely just a segue to a good old-fashioned pooping dog sequence. Yes, Reese left a little digestive artifact on the bathroom rug, and Melinda almost stepped in it. To be fair, had it been Danny's shit, she gladly would have mashed her heel in it. Sorry, gross image.

After Rachel cleaned up the mess, Danny then picked up Reese and reprimanded, "Poop in the toilet, just like Wes." Hey, how do we know that poop wasn't Wes's in the first place? An ode to the groupies, if you will.

VENUS FLYTRAP ALERT! That night, a confused and horny Erik meandered upstairs to the computer room where he found Lacey supremely holding court. "I need an outside opinion," he said regarding the Rachel situation. You could almost hear Lacey licking her chops. I'm surprised she didn't curve her face into a grinning rictus, tent her fingers, and say, "Why yes, my pretty!" I mean, this was the most ill-advised meeting since Ariel asked Ursula for legs.

Well, with the vulnerable Erik pliant for manipulation, Lacey got to work. "Just from my perspective, I think you're getting the short end of the stick, for sure," she said. "I would NEVER do that to my boyfriend!" Hey check that out! A little vintage Melanie from Philly. Now, I can't say that I disagreed with Lacey -- in fact, I thought she was fairly on-the-money, but, well, it wasn't really her place to say anything, especially since those tricky producers had designed the house to be as eavesdrop-friendly as possible. Sure enough, guess who was listening in on the whole conversation? Rachel! Just when we thought last week's caught-on-tape debacle was drama enough, here came Rachel quietly lurking under the loft, listening to Lacey say, "Honestly, I like Rachel, but I think what she's doing to you is really shitty." Cat fight? Please??? No, instead Rachel simply vented to us in an interview, saying, "I cannot understand Lacey for the life of me. She's really kind of becoming almost a snake to me." A snake in a Halifax sweatshirt, no less. See! She even turned on ENON!!

Later, Rachel and Erik got all fancy and such and forwent the Macaroni Grill for P.F. Chang's instead. While the two waited in line, Rachel revealed that she had heard all of Erik's conversation (doh!) and didn't want him to discredit everything just because he was listening to stupid Lacey. Stupid Lacey -- a.k.a. the voice of reason, albeit inappropriate reason. Well, the emotions of this impasse really killed the whole P.F. Chang's vibe; so the couple jetted and found a nice tree to sit under and talk. What would happen to them? What would their status be? Did they still love each other? Let's put it this way: Erik was head over heels with Rachey, but as for her? Eh. "Would it hurt the least to be still 'Rachel & Erik on a break,' or would it hurt the least to say, 'Okay, let's just be friends for the next two months?'" she asked, clearly providing two distinct options to chose from. It was like saying, "Would you like mashed potatoes or mashed potahtoes?" In the end, one thing was glaringly obvious: "Reese has got divorced parents," bemoaned Erik. Yeah, and in other news, Reese probably just spent the past two hours licking his balls. I don't think he'll care that much.

Back at the house, Wes decided to cheer up ol' Erik with one of his poseur events. "We have a plan for tonight. At R-Bar, there's a VIP section in the basement... And then we're gonna call every girl in our groupie drawer, any girl that's ever jocked our nuts, we're just going to call them all. All of them up, all the same time, and bring them to the VIP section of this bar tonight... And it'll just be a vagina-fest. Just don't tell Rachel about it," Wes said, clearly not seeing Rachel standing RIGHT BEHIND HIM. Wow, it was like an '80s movie and an '80s sitcom all wrapped up into one!

Nevertheless, Wes and his loyal follower Nehemiah got to work calling all their "groupies" (a.k.a. fame-starved skanks), and the big story of the night was that Wes was telling the sorority girls that Erik was actually a casting director for the MTV show, "Sorority Girls" (ahem, it's Sorority Life, R.I.P.). Unsurprisingly, Rachel was none too happy about all this activity. "It hurts if I see you with girls with my own eyes," she moped -- because clearly he'll never have to see her with other guys. Oh wait, never mind. That already happened and it was broadcast ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

Well, Wes and the gang headed to the VIP room of R-Bar where a whopping three groupies showed up to partake in Vagina-Fest 2005 (starring the biggest vagina of all, Wes). In true territorial fashion, the ladies of The Real World showed up to make sure their boys were under control, but of course, Rachel had a hard time dealing and left soon after. Not to fear, my little fluff of cotton candy: at the end of the night, Erik turned down all the feminine wiles of Wes's harem and returned to the mansion, faithful as ever.

Hey, remember that Danny subplot? Yeah, well, Detective Sullivan called to say that a warrant was issued for the guy's arrest. Would have happened sooner, you know, but there were a few flower burglaries that needed tending to first. Ultimately, Danny told us, "I just hope that kid gets what's coming to him. It's not a revenge thing." Uhhh... actually, it sort of is. Well, I guess you could say "justice" too. I won't press it too hard though because that guy should be held responsible. He broke Danny's skull! His dickish, asshole skull!

As the show came to an end, Rachel bid adieu to Erik and Reese, but confusion still lingered. "He's got to understand," she said, "It's not worth it for me and him to get married and be in an untrue situation." Well, then break up with him. Don't toy with his heart. You think he's capable of dealing with this mental anguish? HE PUT ICE CREAM IN THE MAIL. Then again, who knows what Erik would do if they broke up... "Hmmm... she loves Cherry Coke. I'll send her some to win her back!" Cut to Erik pouring a can of Cherry Coke into an envelope and sealing it.

With nothing to do but embrace some comfort food, Rachel whipped up a pot of matzoh ball soup and then dialed back the women's rights movement a few years: "It's important to get rid of the party-girl side of me; so I can embrace the housewife, grown-up side of me." You know, she's right though. That party side of hers has been waaaaay out of control. Like the time when she had two drinks! Holy moly!

In the end, it was Wes who had the most winning advice of all: "You suck at life." Sort of like how Wes sucks at brains. What did you think about this show? Are you excited for tonight's episode?

Posted by at 12:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (59)

So far, I have really enjoyed my Veronica Mars baptism by fire. Part of the problem with recapping a show that has so many ardent fans is that you are going to sometimes reveal that your knowledge is lacking and people will take you to task for that. But most people have been very nice as I get myself caught up to speed. This is a learning process, people! As infallible as all of us TVgasm writers are (after much practice, I can say that with a straight face), even we deserve a little understanding now and then. After three episodes of dealing heavily with conspiracies surrounding the bus crash, we took a little step back to explore some more of the mundane little plot points that make up the life of Neptune's ab fab young sleuth and those that surround her. Highlights include Duncan being a pussy and Wallace getting some more of the same!

It's a Sunday in Neptune and Veronica is spending some quality time at her dad's office. He is in the midst of his campaign to get his sheriff job back and the Mars PI office is the war room. Veronica is minding her own business (sort of) when a woman named Julie comes in asking to investigate her boyfriend. She has plenty of money and is willing to do whatever it takes to get to the bottom of things. Unfortunately Keith Mars isn't able to take on new cases because of the election and the book and the huge backlog he already has. But this woman is willing to drop $2000 or more for a week's worth of work, and that is money that Veronica could use in her quest to get to Stanford and more than she could earn at Java the Hut unless they "installed a pole."

If Veronica needs to make extra money, I would suggest starting up a webcam, but that is sooo 1999. These days, the young woman working her way though college works as an escort. There are plenty of women at USC and UCLA doing it right now, or at least that is what Mrs. Petrovka down the hall keeps telling me. I have this image of a hooker who is studying forensic anthropology, and I have to say, it's not that appealing. Call me a traditionalist - I prefer the massage parlors. Anyway, although her dad says no, Veronica decides she is going to take on the case herself and convinces Julie that this job would be perfect for a female investigator.

As happy as Veronica is to be getting some extra coin, Wallace is ten times as happy as he continues to get to know Jackie a whole lot better. He's going to help Jackie with her trig, and since Jackie's dad is often away, there's a good chance that study session will turn out into a makeout session, or as I like to say "heavy petting." I love that term, but I do wonder, why describe making out with a girl the same way they classify boxers? And is there anybody who would like "super flyweight petting"? I would figure everybody would want to go to ultra heavyweight instead. I guess all of this confusion is why they came up with the bases. I wish they all would just be as direct as Wallace's little brother and ask "Are you hitting it?" or alternatively "Are you tapping that shit?" Either one would work.

As Alicia is laughing at her two young boys and getting ready to send them off to school, she steps outside and sees that strange man from Chicago who called her Cher. The run-in in Chicago was bad enough, but now that he has followed her to Neptune, she decides she has to do something about it. Alicia's plan of action involves borrowing a gun from Keith. Now although he says that she fulfilled one of his fantasies by bringing him food (I find pastrami is the most sensual of the salted, cured meats), he is not about to let her take a gun into a house with a seven-year-old. When Alicia tells him that this guy she used to date followed her to California from Chicago, he offers himself up for guard duty. Keith will spend the night, but they just have to figure out some way to get all this done without the kids knowing.

Veronica is always wondering how her dad seems to know so much more than she could ever imagine, but the truth is that the same thing goes for Keith. When he shows up the next morning at the Fennel household with some donuts since he just "happened to be in the neighborhood," who does he think he is fooling? Veronica knows that he didn't sleep there, and Wallace knows that he just doesn't show up in the morning with donuts unless he is trying to distract the kids. Wallace isn't complaining though, because he is getting plenty of love, so there is no reason to stop his mom. In fact, Jackie comes by and smacks him on the ass, and Wallace really enjoyed it. He's got a girl who seems into him and she has a basketball star who promises that he isn't a Dungeons and Dragons geek, but to be fair the two aren't mutually exclusive. I haven't seen it happen yet, but that doesn't mean it's impossible.

During her first day of investigating this dude Colin, Veronica isn't particularly impressed. He seems to be running laps and not paying too much attention to anybody else. Julie is positive that something is wrong because Colin is calling the same number twenty times a day. See, Julie found an engagement ring among Colin's things, and is worried that he is going to marry her just for her money. She's rich, but has been playing middle class because money shouldn't be important, but she has to be sure Colin isn't like a lot of the other guys she dated who have sex with the girl teaching her spin class and the only part of the relationship she takes part in is paying the bills for his apartment. Julie's afraid Colin is running a scam to get her money because he says he has a trust fund, but she can't be sure.

All of this paranoia seems unfounded to Veronica, but it's still money so she goes ahead with the plan. Eventually, she hits pay dirt as she catches Colin skipping his tennis lessons and heading to a house on Primrose lane, which is a desperate housewife kind of street if I've ever heard of one. She calls Julie with the bad news, and goes in for a closer look to get some evidence. Veronica may have no trouble snooping, but she does have some scruples. Upon closer inspection, she sees that Colin is not boning some horny housewife, but is instead boning up on his Hebrew, and not because Bonnie Bernstein just became available.

Seeing the error of her ways, Veronica is about to leave, but Julie has decided to drive over and take matters into her own hands. Still in curling irons[that would be rollers - thanks realityfan], she is about to storm in and stop this activity before Colin starts wearing ironic t-shirts and gets a perm. Julie is just getting to the front lawn, and Veronica decides to stop her before she does something she regrets. Sprinting across the yard, Veronica takes down Julie, Terry Tate style, with a flying tackle and tells her what's really going on. At first Julie is confused because Colin shouldn't be seeing a rabbi because he's not Jewish, but if he wants to marry her and she is Jewish (and she is), shouldn't he be applauded for going the extra distance? I mean, short of hiring a moyle, what else could he do to show her he wants to be part of her life?

While all of that was going on, Keith Mars still had stuff do himself. This guy that he is trying to keep away from Alicia is turning out to be quite the ordeal. His name is Karl Morgan and when Keith gets pictures of him snooping around Alicia's house, he doesn't act worried. When Keith pulls a gun, he is still calm, and insists he is not going to leave until he gets back what she took from him twenty years ago. Seeing that this guy might be a little bit bigger of a problem than he wants to deal with, he serves Karl and his prior arrests for drug dealing to the sheriff. Figuring that Karl will listen to official threats more than just a flash of a nine mil., Keith figures his problems are solved. Case closed, right? Well, no, because when Keith wakes up one morning, he sees that there is not one, but four boots on his car. Calling up the sheriff, he finds out that Karl is not Karl, but Nathan Woods, a detective with the Chicago PD. Clearly, there is more to this than Alicia was letting on.

Back at school, Veronica runs into Weevil. Could somebody tell me how he got that name? Is it because he rides a motorcycle? You know, Weevil Kneivel. I guess he is pretty tough, but seriously when you have to roll with your boys in order to intimidate a girl, what does that say about you? Weevil is a little pissed because he knows Veronica saw the sheriff and he was afraid she would give up information, but mostly he is pissed because Veronica mostly gives it up to rich white guys who are worth millions. Since Veronica is much smarter than him, she remembers that he used to wear a different set of earrings, one of which looked an awful lot like the one the sheriff found on Curly Moran. He says he knows that Curly was hired to do the bus job, and somebody had led him to believe it was a bunch of Irish meth dealers, but Weevil didn't think those dirtbags were low enough kill kids on a bus. All he has is a phone number of an informant he doesn't know, and he gives it Veronica to let her see what she can do with it.

The bus scenario is still important, but Veronica is still on the case for Julie. She is starting to think that Julie is creating more problems than she is solving but decides to set up a temptation scenario to see just how short a skirt has to be before Colin will chase it. Having professionals do it would cut away from the bottom line, so instead she grabs some stuff off of the skank rack of Forever 21 and decides that she will do a little temptation herself; she just needs Wallace to be wingman. It takes a lot of convincing to get Wallace to help her because he was in the middle of a good grope session and Jackie was on the receiving end. I'm sure Wallace really wanted to stick around and see if she would reciprocate, but Veronica is offering $200, and he can't resist. Jackie, who we saw with another guy last week, is really upset that he is going and promises that she is going to have a chat with miss pixie stick because she wants to know why Wallace is always going to help her out. I will point out that Wallace's "get busy" music was not Journey. I should have known the brother would have good taste.

Veronica's trap is simple indeed. She dresses like you'd pay her $10 for a blow job in a 7-11 restroom, fakes a flat tire in front of Colin's house, and has Wallace tape all of the seduction that goes on. Playing the dumb college girl, she does manage to get him to stare at her ass, but let's be honest, is that really a crime? If checking out a hot body was a misdemeanor, the entire male population of this country would be incarcerated by the time they were seven. Even before we know we are supposed to lust over women for sexual reasons, the mere shape of boobs or an ass is enough to get most boys to stare. It's like picking on your little sister, you don't know why it's so enjoyable, but it just feels right.

Colin is clearly not interested in taking advantage of Veronica, at least not in broad daylight, but she still manages to get inside his house under the guise of having to turn in a mid-term. Once inside, she once again tries to seduce him, asking if he would like to party with her, and hinting that party may include possible lesbian experimentation with her roommate. But still, after all of that Colin says that he has a girlfriend and he is not interested. She manages to get his browser history on a CD and leaves before he really starts to wonder what is going on. Mission accomplished! Seduction took place and not once did Colin offer to show her how he plays "stuff the haggis."

Earlier in the week, Veronica had tried to visit Meg in the hospital. She was more than just a little bit surprised to see that Duncan was there, but before they could get into any big argument about the whole thing, Meg's parents come out of her room and blame the both of them to some degree for her condition. To make up for it, Veronica brought some dim sum, and promised that Duncan could get some a little later, but when she pried a little bit more about why he didn't tell her he visited Meg every day, he decided to pout and not have sex with her. Traditionally this is a tactic that girls use when they are upset, but apparently Veronica is enough of a randy minx that the lack of sex begins to bug her as well. If Duncan really wanted to prove a point, the truly assholeish thing would be to have sex with her and then immediately kick her out of his room. Make her feel cheap, and then apologize for it later. As an added bonus, there is the makeup sex, which as we all know is only eclipsed in the sheer enjoyment of conjugal visit sex. On the flip side, if Duncan is being such a whiny bitch about his ex, why doesn't Veronica kick him to the curb?

Before she gets a chance to contemplate that move, there is a knock at the door. Veronica is scared to death that it may be her dad with a gun ready to kill Duncan, but it turns out to be Meg's sister Lizzie. She is not pleased to see Veronica there with her comatose sister's ex, but she really needs help getting some files off of her sister's laptop before her parents get to it. They aren't so big on their kids' privacy, and she is afraid that if they find out what was on there, they might pull the plug themselves. Veronica knows a handy computer nerd friend of hers (we can tell she is a hacker chick because of her dark black hair and general disdain for everybody in the room) and she helps them get the files off of the computer. There is a moment the next scene when Duncan is taking a shower where Veronica has a chance to copy all of the files over for her own review, but she resists the temptation and decides to trust her boyfriend, no matter what some of the evidence to the contrary would suggest.

In her final report to Julie, Veronica says that it appears that Colin is loyal and committed and he has no criminal record. Even his exes don't have bad things to say about him. All of this isn't enough for Julie. Colin's house actually belongs to Nicolas Cage, there is no evidence of a trust fund, and Veronica did find that he had looked up genealogy information on the web. And even though he looked up the information only after he had bought the ring, Julie decides to cut him off. Only later does Veronica recognize the crest on Colin's handkerchief as one from a famous Scottish maker of, well, Scotch. He is heir to a fortune and is known not to flaunt his money. And to think, she could have been godmother to little Kal-El Cage. If only all of us were that lucky.

Keith caught on to Veronica and her little side job and the fact that she was sneaking out to stay over at Duncan's. Although he was mad at her, he realized that she might actually be of some help around the office. Better to have his daughter be the receptionist than hire some young guy or girl and have Alicia thinking that they were sleeping together all of the time. Keith had a lot on his mind. He took some files from Alicia's house to get a little more background because he wasn't quite sure what to make of this whole situation with the mysterious cop from Chicago. BTW, the irony in all of this is that the actor who plays Nathan Woods also played a Chicago police officer on ER, but the producers didn't find it funny enough to give them the same name in the two different shows. Also ironically, the actress who plays Alicia Fennel also had a recurring role on ER that year. Way to recycle actors, Warner Television.

So what was this secret that Alicia was trying to keep from everybody about her and Nathan? Well, it turns out Alicia did take something of his a long time ago, as he claims Wallace is his son, and breaks the news to him at the very end of the show.

This was an OK episode, kind of scattered. We were concerned more with the plot of the characters than the bus accident that was consuming the first three episodes. I guess I need to learn more about these characters to get a feeling for them (I would love to find time to watch all of season one on dvd, but let's be honest, I am far behind with the writing as it is), so these kinds of episodes are necessary. We got another chance to see Logan at the end, as it turns out that the phone call Weevil received came from Logan's house the night of the party. This little piece of information that they tried to stuff us with at the end of the episode and I am trying to stuff in at the end of this recap will probably be the direction our conspiracy takes us in the coming weeks. Sorry, but in the five minutes he was on screen, the only layers of his personality I saw was of the douchebag variety. He still has a penis head and some terrible pit stains. He also seems to be throwing lots of parties that facilitate problems for Veronica. Oh yeah, those two make a great match.

Penis head + pit stains + pissy attitude = Logan sucks

What did you think of the episode? Are Wallace and Jackie for real? What were those e-mails that were on Meg's computer?

Posted by at 10:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (22)

So I have a confession to make. I really wanted to like Desperate Housewives. I really did. Before I started recapping it this season I even went that extra mile and rented the entire first season on DVD to get up to speed. And the first season wasn't really that bad. I mean, it wasn't great and it still doesn't deserve half the attention it's getting, especially when there are other far more deserving shows toiling in obscurity (this seasons West Wing. Run Santos! Run!), but it was a passable nighttime soap. But this latest episode is just another stinker in a rather underwhelming season. Huge plot holes, storylines that go nowhere, blatant logical errors. It was just a mess. And in fact I have another confession to make. In order to make watching last night's borefest palatable, I interspersed it between commercial breaks with playing the New Burnout Revenge on my Playstation 2 and drinking about two gallons of Diet Cherry Coke. It made for quite an interesting night I can tell you. So I apologize if there is some overlapping in the recap. Hey, at least I wasn't drunk.

The show opens on Lynette at work. During a presentation (so to answer the question "what the heck does she do?" we now know the answer is: advertising. Thanks for playing), she notices her boss Nina, played by Joely Fisher, a.k.a. The Fisher that wasn't Princess Leia, is tense. And after repeated failed attempts at helping her relax, Lynette finally decides to take her out and help her do what everyone does to relax. Anonymous casual sex. Curiously enough I'm typing this at around 9am, really quietly so as not to wake up… what's her name. Well I may not know her name but she didn't know mine either, she kept thinking I was god. All night she just kept yelling "Oh god!" But enough about my night. The plan works as the boss comes in the next day relaxed and happy and wearing the same clothes she was wearing last night and with the stink of monkey sex enveloping her like a fog. No walk of shame for this girl.

Susan meanwhile is meeting with her overly clichéd Jewish agent Lonny, played by the guy everyone remembers from Princess Bride. You know, the bald short guy with the lisp. Susan loves Lonny because he was the person that was always there for her through the rough times of her life. He invites her out to lunch where he makes her a proposal. He is going to start his own agency, and he wants Susan to be his first client. She quickly agrees, but when she mentions calling the current agency and letting them know she's leaving them, Lonny tries to talk her out of it. When she presses him as to why, Lonny then admits that he was fired because he was "moving money around," meaning he is an embezzler. Susan, being a moron, still agrees to go with him.

Over in jail, Gabrielle is showing Carlos her ultrasound, which must be at about 1 million times magnification because Gabrielle's stomach is still flat as a board. I have a feeling the baby will grow at "soap opera speed," where he will be born one season, and by season four he's in high school. Soon their lawyer shows up; the hunky Max Headroom named David. Once he walks in the room Carlos immediately tells Gabrielle to find another lawyer, since Carlos doesn't trust his wife around good looking men. Now of course this makes no sense because the man is in jail. Even if she isn't banging the lawyer, Carlos is behind bars. She can bang any guy she wants anytime she wants and Carlos would never know or be able to stop her. This is indicative of the bad writing on this show. Half the stuff just doesn't even make sense, and I'm using the extremely forgiving TV soap opera logic that lets Charlie Salinger get cancer on season three of Party of Five and then be fine in season four.

Later, Gabrielle has David come over for a meeting to try and convince him to stay on the case. David, being a slick Don Juan, simply walks into her house and starts to try and open up a bottle of her wine. Just like Johnnie Cochran used to do. David assures her that he will come up with something to convince Carlos to have him stay. And at the prison the next day we find out what. In another example of truly bad writing (which has become this show's forte) David says that if he fires him, then he will seduce Gabrielle, and the only way not to have him do that, is keep him on. Does this make any sense whatsoever? Of course not. Is it even the slightest bit witty? Nope. It's endemic of this show lately. It's just a big steaming turd of a moment. Of course Carlos agrees, and David stays on. In other news, I got two revenge takedowns in one race on Burnout: Revenge. It gave me a gold medal and I was rewarded with the new modified GT Racer. It's got a crash rating of SEVEN for god's sake!

When we see Bree she is at the police station trying to get Rex's body back. Detective Barton, playing "good cop," lets her have the body back without putting up a fight. When she comes by later to pick it up, the detective then reveals the evidence he's been keeping from her. Rex's dying note where he admitted he believed Bree was poisoning him. When he tries to convince her to admit that she poisoned him, an enraged Bree just grabs the gurney with the now overused fake Rex body inside and leaves in one of her patented huffs. Rex's body has had so much screen time at this point they should just start a spin-off show called "Rex." Kinda like Weekend at Bernie's. Every week the body can get into some sort of crazy mix 'em up and it's up to his new college frat boy roommate Brad and his pet monkey Scooter to get him out. Then at the end of every episode they all head to the Regal Beagle for a drink and the monkey starts flinging its poo. I would totally watch that.

This week we also get a return to what I have named "the most uninteresting subplot in television history." I mean when you look at the long history of TV drama subplots there are some biggies. Is Higgins really Robin Masters? Will they be able to Trick B.A. Barackas into flying again? Is Screech bisexual? (Answer = Hell yeah.) But none are as boring as the "who's locked in the Applewhite's basement" storyline on this season's Desperate Housewives.

Betty is over at Edie's house dropping off mail that was accidentally left at her house. Edie says it happens all the time since the mailman had a stroke. How much you wanna bet that at some point this season the writers are going to need a plot device to have an important piece of mail go to the wrong house? Simply invent a ridiculous story about a forgetful postman and problem solved. You know that theory about a million moneys with a million typewriters being able to write the complete works of Shakespeare if given enough time? Apparently they end up writing this stuff first.

When Edie walks in the other room, Betty hears a news report about a 17-year-old girl named Melanie Foster who was murdered in Chicago four months ago. Hmmm. That was the same time the Vice President's brother was murdered in a Chicago parking garage by Lincoln Burroughs. A coincidence? Who knows? But for anyone dying to see a better show, don't forget Prison Break at 9 PM tonight. An all new episode. And then stop by TVgasm for the hilarious recap by sg-dub. Also, doing a vertical takedown in Burnout Revenge is really freaking hard. I've been trying all night but to no avail. All this Coke is making me jittery.

Once Betty sees the news report she rushes back home to find her son Matthew conveniently watching the same channel at the same time. Don't these people have jobs? I mean reinforced steel basement prisons aren't cheap. It's a lot of upkeep. Trust me on this (and don't get me started on the price of lotion and baskets with ropes attached). When she asks him if he saw the report, he says he has and then declares that that means "we're in the clear."

Later we see Betty sitting at her kitchen table writing a letter when she hears the dinner alarm telling her it's time to feed the crazy person in the basement. And for the first time we get to see who it is….. and as suspected, I don't give a shit. It's some kid named Caleb and Betty tells him that he has to talk about what he did to Melanie. She can't let him go until he accepts what he did to her. So did he kill her and Betty's covering it up? If not, then who did kill her? Why didn't they go to the police? Is Caleb her son? Once again I can't possibly stress enough of how much I don't give a flying F about the answers to these questions. This storyline is so boring. But what wasn't boring was when I got a super sweet after touch takedown in Burnout Revenge.

Upstairs Matthew sees the letter she was writing and it's to the Chicago police telling them that they have the wrong person arrested for the murder. And she writes in a weird boxy way so no one will be able to trace it back to them through her handwriting. Of course there are always fingerprints, DNA on the saliva in the stamp, the postmark, and all that other CSI crap we've come to know from the eight CSI shows on every week that they can use to track them down. But who knows if the writers are smart enough to realize this? As they argue, Caleb sneaks up the stairs (Betty accidentally didn't fasten the door correctly when she went back up) and overhears them talk about how if they find him they will execute him no matter how "slow" they think he is. With that Caleb then slinks back to his underground prison.

Meanwhile, Susan is talking with Mike about how she is going with Lonny even though she knows he's an embezzler. Mike disagrees and says that he doesn't believe in giving people second chances, which makes Susan regret tricking Zach into leaving last episode. At this point my rage at this show reaches its apex. I mean for Christ's sake Mike's entire storyline is him finding his son. The son that kidnapped Susan and tried to kill Mike, yet he refused to press charges against him. But now he doesn't believe in second chances? Worst. Writing. Ever.

When Susan later shows up at Lonny's house, she sees that things are not looking good. His wife has left him and he admits he is destitute after having to pay all that money back. Are you wondering why the man was apparently caught embezzling multiple clients but is not going to jail? Don't bother. We are in Housewives land, where up is down and down is up.

After Susan pressures him, Lonny finally reveals that he even stole from Susan. She finally comes to the realization that she cannot trust Lonny anymore and tears up the contract. But not before a wacky slap sticky fight that ends with Lonny trying to kiss her and she freaks out and runs from the house. Where Susan goes, poorly written overbroad physical comedy follows. Don't miss next week's episode where she gets a job at a chocolate factory putting wrappers on chocolates on an assembly line. And the week after that becomes a spokesman for Vitameatavegamin.

This week's Lynette storyline was all about her boss Nina getting some. You see once the woman had some cheap anonymous dirty sex the first night she went out with Lynette, she developed a taste for it, as do we all. So now she is dragging Lynette out every night so she can get some of that Mr. Goodbar nougat. After five nights in a row of going to the bars Lynette tries to tell her that she has to go home to her family. Nina responds by threatening her with transferring her to a less demanding account. Another illogical premise but I've lost count at this point. You know what else I've lost count of? The number of sweet ass takedowns I got in Burnout Revenge. Don't believe me? Here's a screenshot.

Now THAT'S good TV

While sitting at the bar while Nina gets drinks, a creepy middle aged dude sits next to Lynette and starts rubbing her thigh. When she says she's married he simply says "Me too!' and pulls out his ring and continues to rub her thighs. When she tells him hands off, his says it's not his fault because she's been coming to a singles bar for five nights in a row. Yeah, the judge will love that. But your honor, she was begging for it. You could see it in her eyes!

Finally Lynette figures out a way to get out of babysitting Nina and her steaming hot sex-starved vagina. She goes into the bathroom, sluts herself out and then emerges as the life of the party. This takes away her wingman status from Nina so Nina sits there dejected, her carnal needs unfulfilled.

Finally the show ends on somewhat of a high note with a funny scene where Bree is reburying her husband Rex. Gabrielle, Edie, Susan, and Lynette are there at his gravesite waiting for her to show. When she appears she has them follow her to another spot. Bree than tells them in a rage that Rex actually believed that she was trying to kill her. There is no way she is going to spend the rest of eternity laying next to someone who would believe that. So when we see Rex's final resting spot, it's in a rundown corner of the cemetery. Bree takes off her ring and throws it into the grave.

And as we go over the final Mary Alice narration, we stop at the Young's House, and inside we see Paul, Mary Alice's husband who is on the run for murdering Zach's real mom, is home opening his mail. Because the lure of unopened mail will drive any fugitive to come back home. It's the F.B.I.'s most potent weapon against them.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and try and win the trophy for a vertical takedown.

Posted by EdHIll at 3:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (85)

TVgasm has made it a tradition of liveblogging some of the more, how do I say it, um...shitty offerings of the Tiffany Network. It started with Spring Break Shark Attack, continued with Locusts and culminated with our seminal work on Riding the Bus With My Sister. We promised to cover the recent Martha Stewart made-for-TV classic, but a weekend of football in Whale's Vagina (and an intern who forgot to set the Tivo) made us miss that opportunity.

If you have been waiting for the next straight-to-broadcast work of the minions of Viacom, your time has come. This weekend, CBS brings us Vampire Bats. I'm not sure why CBS isn't promoting this show on their website, because when we heard Lucy Lawless had signed on for another nature-destroys-mankind epic, we couldn't resist. Is it the makings of another instant classic for Les and his lackeys? See for yourself:

Click on Lucy and prepare to be amazed.

If that doesn't make you want to tune in, I don't know what will. And a week later, CBS gives us Category 7: The End of the World because last year's Category 6 was just a mere day of destruction. I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it.

Posted by at 12:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

• If you happened to be watching the Today show this morning, you were treated to some truly spectacular footage of Al Roker hitting the deck while covering Hurricane Wilma. Really, this is not to be missed. [Gawker]
• Britney Spears is pissed that some pictures of the newly emerged Federletus have been leaked to the media. Pressed for comment, she said, "Y'all I'm a sue those bitches once I finish up this JD cause it's been like niiiiine months and I got me some catchin up to do y'all." [AP]
• Sacre bleu, Celine Dion wants another child via in vitro fertilization. In perhaps the most frightening statement about motherhood ever, she said, "This frozen embryo that is in New York is my child waiting to be brought to life." Indeed, liberté, egalité, maternité. [AP]
• And say what you will about his ratings this season, but Donald Trump just earned $25,000 PER MINUTE for a lecture he gave over the weekend for the Learning Annex, a New York-based continuing education provider. Melania's shopping habits now total more than $50,000 per minute, however, so he'll have to do better. [AP]

Posted by at 12:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

One of the biggest challenges for the producers of Survivor is that there is constant pressure to keep the game fresh. Much like Big Brother, there is always a worry that if they don't put twists in the game, the game will get repetitive and the ratings will go down. When it comes to adding twists, they try to do things like making people guess how they are going to compose the teams, how and when they will mix up the teams, and when the tribal merge will come. Survivor: Guatemala has been no different, with a very effective tribe rearrangement that has members of both Nakum and Yaxha scrambling to establish themselves on the new teams. It turns out that both tribes had people willing to break their original alliances in the first tribal councils with their new teams, assuring us that there would be plenty of mental scheming to go along with the physical pummeling each person has had to endure.

When Yaxha came back from tribal council, Brandon learned that he was the odd man out. He was the only person left in the tribe who had voted for Blake to stay. At first it would seem like he might be in trouble, because if he couldn't count on Bobby Jon to vote his way, whom could he count on? Brandon mentioned that the vote opened his eyes, and tried to get some information from Bobby Jon on what had happened out there. It was really tough for Bobby Jon to confront Brandon, and you could see it in the way he was trying to form an argument about what he did. Last week, Bobby Jon had said that he didn't think that voting Blake would have been the best idea, but he obviously changed his mind. He tried to explain to Brandon that he liked Blake, but since Blake could rub people the wrong way and it was just something that he had to do.

Although Bobby Jon and Danni were the ones who were ultimately responsible for voting Blake out with their votes, it was all masterminded behind the scenes by Brian. Amy called Blake the Golden Boy, but Brian said that he was platinum and he proved it last week. Brian said that they received a "get out of jail free" card, and now they had to focus on knocking off the members of the old Nakum tribe. I think it's safe to say that Brian has been one of the more popular Survivors this year, and his comments in the one on one sessions are the most enjoyable. The odds really changed in his favor now that Blake was gone, and he simply had to execute his plan once again.

At Nakum, they were happy that they didn't have to vote anybody out at tribal council, but that doesn't mean there was plenty of stuff to make you unhappy in the jungles of Guatemala, like the bugs. Some people thought that I was being too easy on Stephenie last week, but I have to say that I was never on the Stephenie bandwagon and I did mention that despite how much she says she is always on the less-abled team, she is often the cause of the problem. However, I do agree with everybody who said that Stephenie does a lot of complaining. When I said that the losing has taken a large toll on her, I didn't mean for it to sound as an excuse, and like we have mentioned before, she was not forced to go onto Survivor for a second time, so her problems are with the stress, with the losing, and everything else are something she has to deal with.

Stephenie reached a new level of complaining this week when she was talking about the buzz. She was complaining that the mosquitoes were biting her through her shirt. Did they really have to bite her through the shirt? Apparently, Steph didn't realize that there was a mosquito bill of rights and that they have recently ratified a constitution? The preamble goes thusly: "We the mosquitoes of the Guatemalan jungle, in order to form a more perfect swarm, buzz ears, suck blood, transmit malaria, and secure the blessings of ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United Insects of Guatemala." It's a landmark document, and they are just trying to secure their rights from the tyranny of people like Steph. Oh yeah, that and mosquitoes don't know whether you are wearing a shirt or not, so why should they stop sucking on your skin?

The people of Nakum had much more to complain about than the bugs, however, and that was the woman who has a bug in her ass - Margaret. Rafe said he was trying to be positive, but Ripley, I mean Margaret, was bringing such a negative energy to the tribe. But really, if you need somebody to say something bad about Margaret, why don't you ask Judd? I know a lot of people like Judd, and I don't think he is completely without brains, but he really has a persecution complex. He says that Margaret is miserable because she got stuck with him instead of Brandon or Blake or Danni.

It is quite obvious that Margaret does not like Judd, does not think much of him as a person, and would have rather had one of the other guys from the original Nakum on her side, but I believe her when she says that the main reason she is upset is that Judd flipped on their original alliance. Now that doesn't mean that Judd made a bad decision for himself, or that he should feel bad about Ripley, but Margaret does have a reason for being a little upset. Judd said that she has a sore thumb about it, but you can understand what it's like when you were much higher on the good chain, as she put it, and now are on the bottom. Margaret defended her perceived negativity by saying that she hasn't given up, but she isn't going to drive herself crazy about her chances.

The two tribes gathered for the reward challenge, and the game was a test of who could do a better job of playing with balls. That's right, baby, they had to roll 'em around; call them daddy. No really, it was all true. I mean, they weren't playing with balls, but one ball, and it wasn't a their own balls they were playing with, but one big ball they would share, but they did have to roll it around. Two members from each tribe would attempt to move this giant ball, which looked about three meters high, past a goal line. There would be five rounds and the teams would be drawn at random. For being able to handle balls properly, the survivors would win a BBQ feast complete with hot dogs, hamburgers and beer.

Oh, and did I mention that there would be TWO TRIBAL COUNCILS? Yes, that's right, there would be no tribal immunity battle as both teams would go to tribal council. However, the team that won the reward would take part in an individual immunity challenge, and the winner of that immunity challenge would listen in on the tribal council of the other team.

The teams already played in a tug of war, and you could describe this game as a push of war. The giant ball was in the middle of the course, and the members of each team would try to push it past the goal line of the other team. The women went first with Amy and Danni taking on Steph and Cindy. This challenge was all about leverage, and Amy is bringing more leverage than her two opponents combined. She and Danni won easily, and the next round was guys, and it featured Brandon and Bobby Jon vs. Judd and Jamie. Once again, this game is about leverage, and the person with the most leverage was Judd, and he and Jamie took out Brandon and Bobby Jon.

Jamie was really excited to tie up the game, and so he gave a little bit of a shout. When Bobby Jon heard Jamie shout, Bobby Jon decided that he needed to yell a little bit. He got into Bobby Jon's face a little bit, and the two of them decided that they needed to display how much testosterone they had. Needless to say, it wasn't very impressive. When we saw the shots of their teammates on the sidelines, it looked like the people were more embarrassed than anything else. It's sort of like when you have two people walking their dogs and their dogs start barking and you want to pull them apart because you know that it won't be long before one or both of them tries to sniff the other's butt and start humping.

The next round pit Steph and Judd against Gary and Amy. I thought that the participants were supposed to be random, but the odds that Steph AND Judd would be picked seemed a little fishy to me. Nevertheless, they were going to have to do a lot of work to get past Amy and Gary. Unfortunately, Amy appeared to turn her ankle, giving Nakum the easy win, and forcing Amy to get help off the field. It looked like it would be trouble for Yaxha, because the fourth round was once again a woman on woman affair. Sensing the moment, Probst took time to explain just how high the stakes were. If Amy didn't go on, Nakum would win because it would be their third win in the best of five. But come on, even if Amy did go on, it's not like she would be able to tie the game, right? Well, Amy did go out there, and whatever happened to her ankle didn't seem to bother her as she and Danni steamrolled Ripley and Cindy.

With the score tied two apiece, Judd and Jamie went up against Bobby Jon and Brian. I like Brian, but I don't think he is so much more physical than Brandon that he would make a difference in the challenge. Maybe if Rafe had participated things would have been more even, and Judd and Jamie took home the prize. There was no pissing match between Jamie and Bobby Jon, and Nakum went off to have the individual immunity while Yaxha sulked back home.

For the individual immunity the survivors had to complete a puzzle after retrieving three bags worth of pieces. Once they had their three bags, they had to use the letters inside to spell out a two-word phrase. This was probably the only place where Margaret had a chance to save herself, but she wasn't doing very well. Steph and Cindy jumped to an early lead, but almost everybody had their bags unpacked within a few minutes of each other. Well, everybody except for Judd, who couldn't manage to untie his last bag, and therefore couldn't work on his puzzle. I was thinking that it probably wasn't that big of a deal because Judd A) was probably safe and B) wasn't smart enough to figure it out before the others anyway. Judd proved me very judgmental and very wrong when he solved the puzzle before everybody else. No, Judd didn't win immunity, because he still wasn't able to get his bag open, but he was looking while Rafe was completing his puzzle and repeated "Ancient Ruin" over and over until Rafe realized that he was talking about the puzzle, spelled out ancient ruin with his own pieces and won immunity. Judd was so surprised he said, "I didn't know I was that smart" and let's be honest; none of the rest of us did either.

Everybody gathered around to start the BBQ, and Rafe mentioned how he was so proud of himself. Considering he didn't come up with the answer, but was saved by perhaps the dumbest person at his camp, I would say that Rafe should feel a debt of gratitude to Judd. This nice relaxing time also gave everybody a chance to make fun of Bobby Jon a little bit, and they found several ways to call him crazy including "he hit a new nut level" and he flipped a switch. When asked what happened, Jamie chalked it up to Southern people: "We're crazy and we know it."

When it came time to start cooking, everybody really enjoyed their food, but not even this celebration meal could go without controversy. With his confidence, Judd started talking, telling everybody that Margaret was going and that he has nothing to worry about. Normally, I would think this was true, but I wondered, did the producers highlight that statement because Judd was actually going to be voted off? Perhaps, but we still didn't see much evidence as to why they would send him home. Margaret did say that Judd was Judd's biggest enemy and so you had a feeling that it was only a matter of time before Judd opened his mouth and started making trouble for himself.

Judd got to work on stirring up some trouble when it came time for the BBQ. Everybody was allotted the same amount of food and drink, but Judd was in the mood for some extra beer, so he was making some trades with other people so he can get some more. You must understand, finding beer among the Mayan is not like finding ugly at a Radcliffe mixer; it's considerably harder. We aren't sure what happened, but Cindy was missing a beer, and nobody could think of who it was. Missing food or hidden food is a big deal on Survivor. Back in season 2, Kel was voted out after an unfortunate incident involving mysterious beef jerky suddenly appearing out of nowhere. Would the missing beer spell doom for Judd? He did say that "whoever drank the beer is going home," but realizing that most people thought it was him, told all of his tribemates to kiss his ass. Was this the sort of thing Margaret was talking about? Was Judd really going to ruin his chances? Unfortunately, it was too little, too late for me to seriously believe Ripley had a chance to stick around.

At their tribal council, Jeff once again tried to stir up some hostility among the tribe to get them thinking, and it was all directed at making Judd look bad. Probst asked Margaret about sportsmanship, and she immediately went on to describe how bad Jamie and Judd were at winning. Personally, I don't think Judd and Jamie were that bad. When the adrenaline flows, you tend to get riled up, you build some confidence and you start to play off that confidence. You may talk trash, but often that's just to get you pumped up and ready. Judd, when given a chance to defend himself, said that they weren't being bad "sportsmanships" and that he and Jamie were just giving it 120% each time. When Jeff said that giving all that effort doesn't make you a good sport, Judd tries to explain that if they do well, they are going to go out there and go crazy, and going crazy after you win is not being a bad sportsmanship. While going crazy after a win doesn't necessarily make you a bad sport, saying that you are justified to go crazy after a win doesn't make you a good sport.

Next, Jeff tried to probe into whether there was any hostility in the tribe. He let Cindy and Margaret answer before giving Judd the floor to respond. Judd said that he was going to ask everybody else whether or not they feel the same way as Margaret does, i.e. that Judd is a bully and is threatening. The problem is, he sort of proves Margaret’s point because he never lets anybody finish speaking, even when he is soliciting their advice. You would almost think that he has a problem paying attention, but don't mention ADD. Judd got REALLY pissed when he talked about how Margaret thought he had ADD. You know, I don't know if it's that bad. I hear some doctors prescribe painkillers to combat adult ADD, so even if Judd had it, at least he got to have fun with it right? Jeff gets a few people to speak about Judd's bully status. Rafe said that he was afraid of Judd, but Judd had been very nice to him, and Steph said that Judd was just like her, a little high strung, and in need of an eyebrow wax every couple of weeks. The thing is, neither of their explanations meant that Judd wasn't a bully.

In the end, it was indeed Ripley who was gone. I thought that all of the focus on her would be misdirection, but I guess I was wrong. Margaret was voted out, and for the Fabreze family moment, we heard her son give the ironic statement that she had to come home because they were almost out of food. Shit, what happened? Were you in Guatemala for a month without any food to eat?

With Margaret gone and their team unity with seemingly nowhere to go but up, Rafe prepared to watch the Yaxha tribal council. There really wasn't that much scheming going on over there after the reward. People were sad about having to go to tribal council again, and much like Nakum, had wondered exactly what was going between him and Jamie. Bobby Jon said that Jamie had crossed the line and so he decided to put him in his place. "That will show you Jamie! I'm so awesome, you're going to another reward! That will show you not to mess with me! Now go eat a hamburger you bitch!" Seriously, these two are like fights on the internet. You know, nobody wins, and everybody sounds retarded. But how can we make fun of Bobby Jon - he just wanted to show Jamie that there was another bear in the woods, it wasn't shitting like the other bear, and they were both trying not to disturb the pope.

It looked like Amy might be sent home. She hurt her ankle, and since people want to have strong tribe members for the challenges, this could mean a lot of trouble. Brian was also feeling vulnerable, and tried to rally his old Yaxha teammates to stick together. The Yaxha tribal council was fairly boring. Bobby Jon had nice things to say about Brian, mentioning he was the kamikaze who broke the wedge, which I guess is what the kids are calling the butt sex now. He also said that Brian was just a good ol' boy, never meaning no harm. He beats all you ever saw, been in trouble with the law since the day they were born. Sorry, putting those words down on paper was better than playing Dixie and thinking about Catherine Bach's ass all week. We then got a lot of Brandon talking about how impressive Amy was for gutting it out, and you know that she has probably snapped a few tendons, so must of what he said was not an exaggeration. She really did a tough thing going back out and winning after going down.

Jeff announced that there would be one more twist, however, and we learned that Rafe would get to pick one person for immunity. He would write the name down, leave, and Yaxha would vote normally. Jeff would read the names, and the person with the most votes would go home, unless the name Rafe wrote down was the person who had the most votes, and in that case, the person with he second most votes would be voted off. When Jeff read the names, Brian was eliminated, as Rafe gave the immunity to Gary. I really have to say, I am very sad to see Brian go. He was clearly the best schemer of this group, had a lot of interesting comments, and his effeminate manner provided plenty of cheap jokes to fill in those slow spots on a recap.

Next week, Yaxha "invades" the Nakum camp, which sounds ominous, but is clearly just a ploy to facilitate a merge coming soon. Plus, without Brian making good comments, we are told that Gary might not be able to keep his secret since he learns Amy might not have caught on. Have to say, both of these scenarios sound like they suck.

Did you like this week's twist? Will anybody miss Brian or Ripley? Is Judd a meathead or a misunderstood nice guy?

Posted by at 12:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (45)

So, quite obviously, I am very late on my recappage for the week, and it's quite a shame, because the latest installment of America's Next Top Model was one for the ages. This entire season has been great, but when you get not one, but two different cat fights, with two different participants in each one, you know that there is a lot of drama building in the house. And let's face it, any time you get that many girls living in one place, there is bound to be drama. Put a bunch of women in the same place, and they will start competing. Seriously, they can create a competition while standing in line for Starbucks. They can create rivalries ordering drinks at the bar. They will go to blows over a pair of shoes or a skimpy top. Personally, I can't get enough, and if you are getting all of this when there is an actual competition going on with actual consequences and a life-altering chance at success on the line, there really isn't anything better on television.

Of all of the things I thought would happen after Diane was let go last week, Nik breaking into tears was not one of them. Apparently, they were very close, and I guess we got a hint of it at the end of the last episode when the two of them were doing their exercises. Maybe the thought of somebody learning fitness from Diane sort of broke my train of thought, but I didn't know that Nik would be so affected. She said that she doesn't know if she'll be able to let anybody in and decides to be the quiet girl.

I was not torn up about Diane at all, and so when this part of the episode was dedicated almost exclusively to Lisa I had no complaints. So many people hate Lisa, and what better way to demonstrate her craziness than with a bubble bath montage? I once tried to throw a party with bubbles, but the party people delivered the wrong machine, and needless to say, I failed with my vision and was not able to put on a sudsy orgy for the masses. I guess all I really needed was Lisa. I had the bubbles, I had the alcohol, I just didn't have an alcoholic girl willing to frolic and take her top off, and really, that's what you need to get the critical mass for any sudsy orgy for the masses.

Remember when I joked that Lisa had brought a ton of alcohol but didn't want to share it with Nicole? Well, I take all of that back, because apparently Lisa really is capable of finishing it all herself. Poor sweet Kyle. How does a girl get that naive? She is the only person in the house who hasn't been able to figure out that Lisa was crazy all the time because she drinks all the time. I know Kyle is from a small town and everything, but we have to draw a line somewhere. I am sure you could tell her that she could get herpes from a tractor and she wouldn't think twice.

I can understand why these girls can't stand Lisa. She is continually passing out advice, even when it isn't wanted. And let's be honest, her advice doesn't always come across as the most constructive. Personally, I believe she has some good advice, but that delivery: it just makes for a huge problem. Still, I can't help but feel bad for Lisa because the other girls are just pouring it on. Yes, it would make it easier on her if she wasn't such a bitch, and yes it would be easier to defend her if she were meek and submissive. Also complicating this whole thing is that the person who has the biggest beef with Lisa is Coryn, who is the most popular girl in the house, but is also one of the most quiet.

If anything, Lisa should wait until she makes a name for herself in modeling before telling other people that their shit stinks. A good example of somebody who is worthy of giving out modeling advice is Iman, who I hear is dressing up as a hotter version of Grace Jones for Halloween this year. Iman has a beauty book out, and it's all about the largest organ of them all. I could insert a joke here about Coryn's organ being twice the size of her Adam's apple, but the organ we are talking about is the skin. Iman even has a catchy slogan,"It don't mean a thin' if it ain't got that skin." OK, it wasn't that catchy, especially delivered with Iman's thick accent, but she is gorgeous, so we should listen to her anyway.

Iman's big thing about the skin is that it is one of the first things people notice about you. It also happens to be one of the more frequent targets for touch-ups, so it pays to take care of it. What makes her book interesting is that she gives you tips on taking care of your skin with things that you already have in your kitchen. There are things that have honey, others that have banana, some with avocado - you get the picture. Let me share with you a little solution that you can do, also in your kitchen. OK, start in your kitchen, run to the street, drive to Target, purchase all of the skin care things you need there, stop at Jamba Juice, have a wheat grass shot (just for the hell of it), drive back home, park, run back to your kitchen. How easy is that? I think it's much more convenient, and honestly, what are the chances that you have fresh bananas, honey, and avocado? If these formulas involved left over soy sauce packets and ketchup, maybe it would have a broader appeal. I'm sort of like Bre, who spent her time eating the ingredients instead of wearing them. All of that fresh fruit? Why not use some chemicals? Just because it's not natural, you shouldn't worry. They test it on animals first!

But this exercise was for more than helping the girls out with their skin. Nobody has impetigo like Michelle from last year, so it's not like this is a life and death matter. It was really just a way to get the girls thinking about the product. They were going to put their knowledge to use on a mock interview with comedian Chris Spencer, who I have never heard of, but was probably on some episodes of the Steve Harvey show or something, so I guess he is fairly funny. I guess it could have been worse, as I hear Wayne Brady is looking for work these days.

Quite honestly, I am not sure why they trot these chumps out there. Working with Chris Spencer to prepare you for an interview is about as good as me looking at Victoria's Secret catalogs when I was twelve and declaring I was Hugh Hefner. It ain't the real thing. After he was introduced, Chris said that there would be one winner, and the rest would be sent to Compton. Oy. I thought this guy would at least be original. After the ghetto joke, I was preparing for jokes about fried chicken or collard greens, but I guess George Lopez came to him in a dream and said that outmoded ethnic jokes don't work unless they are about Mexico and make people feel uncomfortable like Christian Slater hosting an awards show on MTV.

The girls had ten talking points that they were supposed to try and get across in the interview. Chris's job was to get the girls off of their game as much as possible. For the most part, he did a good job of sidetracking the girls from what they were supposed to say. Kim actually wrote the answers down on her hand, which sort of makes you wonder what the hell she was doing at Wesleyan. The winner ended up being Kyle, who made the session not so much of an interview, but used each question to transition into another talking point she made.

To tell you the truth, the whole thing was boring, or at least compared to the fireworks that were happening afterwards. Lisa, who of course said that she was going to do better than anybody else, failed miserably on the challenge. She said she memorized everything, but somehow thought the honey facial mask she was trying to promote had tomatoes in it. When it was quite obvious that she was just going to do anything that Chris said, he told her she should dance the rest of the interview, so she got up and started to dance.

Lisa was just having fun, but her little dance prompted Coryn to tell her that she needed to come up with some new moves. Now, I am not sure if Lisa was just waiting for somebody to say something to her so she could get really upset, but Lisa just completely blew up on Coryn. Now, even if you do think that Coryn's comments at the time might have been a little bitchy, it was kind of retarded for Lisa to accuse Coryn of being a hater, but it only got worse from there. How delusional is Lisa? She asked Coryn why she was the only person who didn't like her, which prompted Coryn to say that she was just the only one who would tell it to her face. This prompted Lisa to tell Coryn that she should just leave her alone, which is funny, because Coryn had tried to tell that to Lisa with obviously unsuccessful results. They went back and forth for a little while until Coryn said "What are you doing, alcoholic bitch!?" SLAM! OH. NO. YOU. DI'INT!

Calling Lisa out on her drinking seemed to do the trick and she for the most part shut up. She then said that she realized that there aren't that many people around who care for her. Yes, she was going to have to go through all of this on her own. It seemed that the only person sympathetic to her situation was Nik, but Nik was still hurting from losing Diane and said that she wasn't going to try and reach out again.

Kyle won, and picked Nicole to share in the winnings, which turned out to be a chance to announce the Top 5 Model countdown of the year on VH1. If anybody has seen this bit that they did, please let me know. When Kyle was doing her mock interview, she seemed pretty animated, but when she learned things were for real, she turned out to be quite the stiff. And we all know that Lisa could do it better, or at least Lisa knew that she could do it better. It's quite obvious that Lisa wants to win every challenge, and she thinks she is the best each time, but you also see that she takes the losses very hard. She was really upset that Kyle had won and had made so much noise that the producer of the VH1 piece had to tell Lisa to shut up because they were trying to work.

With no friends to turn to, Lisa starts to hit the bottle. She has always liked her share of booze, but she was drinking wine like it was going out of style, was revived by some hipsters as trendy 15 years later, only to fizzle out when everybody jumped on the bandwagon again. Yes, that was Lisa, the Ugg boots of 2005. Like any proper alcoholic, her problems are the fault of everybody except herself. Nobody will cut her slack, she doesn't know who to trust, she feels betrayed, she was a tomboy, being a tomboy she was abused by a confused Catholic priest. You name the excuse, she had it. Her only friend was a huge plant in the backyard they called Cousin It. Do you ever wonder how many of these monologues on reality shows are coached? I've been drunk and depressed before, but I didn't talk to plants. Even when I was under the influence of plants and other organics that might have caused hallucination, I have never talked to a plant. Isn't it kind of disturbing that she does it? Did Son of Sam start of by talking to the ficus at the dentist office?

While people worried about Lisa, I was admiring Nik's "painting talents."

I guess I really didn't have to worry about Cousin It telling Lisa to kill people, because in order to hurt somebody, it really helps if you aren't passed out drunk. The girls don't mind when Lisa is drunk, because they get to talk about her in the house without her knowing, but when somebody sees she is outside passed out, they act like it's a matter of life or death to bring her back inside. Once there, Lisa talks to her boyfriend, and she starts to hyperventilate. It's so hard to keep it together, it's such a competition and I am so sensitive. Bre hears her hyperventilating and tries to help out.

The next morning, Tyra pays a surprise visit to the girls. She gathers everybody around and says that she wants to talk about vices. Bre talks about sleep and Jayla talks about smoking. This prompts Tyra to note that 98% of models smoke or have smoked. Listen, I knew the number had to be pretty high, but 98%, that's just kind of depressing. It is, however, entirely believable. Tyra then mentions that there are a lot of other vices, like the one she has with eating and fattening food. Were there any other vices they could talk about? We can't forget Lisa, of course. I am sure the girls were ready for Tyra to go off on Lisa about her drinking, but she really didn't get that crazy. Lisa mentioned that she liked wine, and when Tyra asked her if she was a wino, Lisa said that she was. When Tyra asked her if she drinks to get drunk, Lisa said that she didn't drink to get drunk but just used it as a way to take her mind off things. Lisa is obviously in denial, and it was another reason for some of the other girls to hate on her, because how dare she lie to Tyra.

The girls traveled back to Quixote Studios for their photo shoot, where they learned they would be a doing a three-part campaign for Secret Platinum Clear Gel deodorant consisting of a commercial, a photo shoot, and an interview, this time with some jab from E! Or maybe it was VH1. They wanted to see how well the girls could juggle different responsibilities like remembering lines, looking beautiful for the camera, and not looking stupid or embarrassing yourself or the makers of the product during an interview.

For the commercial, the girls would say a bunch of lines, and then reveal a secret that they have at the end. The secret that they shared with everybody would be their own. That was to be followed by the photo shoot and then immediately afterwards the interview. Lisa was first, and despite everything that was going on around her, she was determined to do as well as she could in the photo shoots. Watching her nail her lines, rock the photo shoot and look very natural during her interview, I was really amazed at how well she is able to focus and I came to the realization that a lot of the reasons why the girls don't like her is jealousy. Now, there is no question that Lisa causes a lot of problems and her interpersonal skills obviously leave something to desire, but if there was one person in this group that you would pick if you absolutely needed a great shot, you would pick Lisa. She's not the best looking, but in front of the camera, she has confidence and knows what she needs to do when the time comes.

There was a lot of variation in what the people had to say for their secrets. A lot of the girls decided that they would talk about their fears as their secret, and I think that was what I was expecting for most of them. Lisa, however, said that her secret was that she tells herself she is beautiful every single day. On the one hand, you can say that kind of statement is kind of vain, but I think that it simultaneously shows a vulnerability and a confidence that I believe are refreshing to hear. Lisa may be drunk all the time, but it didn't stop her from being very savvy in this challenge with what she is going to say.

On the other end of the spectrum, we had people like Coryn. Not only did Coryn have a very unoriginal "I am afraid of heights," but she looked like she was completely uncomfortable right from the beginning. On television, nobody wants to see somebody endorsing something if they seem like they need a pacemaker to get through the commercial. Yes, Coryn is beautiful, but if she wants to be a model, she is going to have to learn how to smile, even if that isn't what she is feeling inside. Her badass edge might work on the runway, but if she can't bring something else to the table, she can't expect to win. Coryn let the frustration she was feeling in the commercial to follow her in the photo shoot and her interview as well.

By no means was Coryn the only one who had an unoriginal statement or did badly in the interview. I think the worst secret was from Nicole, who said that she ate ice cream in bed. What is that supposed to mean? Is it her secret for a long life? A perfect body? Does she keep it a secret because she is worried that people concerned with crisp sheets that don't stick together may not want to associate with her? Was she afraid of alienating the lactose intolerant, insomniac cabal of men that run the modeling industry? I wasn't expecting her to say, "my favorite game is battleshits," but something a little more interesting would have helped. And then there was Bre, who seemed to be more interested in hitting on her interviewer than actually getting any point across the product. I am not sure if she was serious when she said that she had a crush on the guy or thought that saying anything was better than nothing, but she wasn't particularly impressive.

Now, the easiest part of this challenge would have to be coming up with a secret, right? It's not that hard to come up with something even minimally dangerous. As Nicole proved, it didn't have to be all that thought provoking, as long as you said something. As Nik was practicing her lines, she decided that her secret would be that she is afraid of the dark, and sleeps with a night-light. I can relate to this since I used to be terrified of the dark and could never sleep with my bedroom door closed or without a night-light until I was like 10 or something. What I am trying to get at is that it isn't necessarily unique to be scared of the dark, and I was actually surprised that none of the girls had repeats until we found out Jayla also was going to say that she was afraid of the dark.

Immediately, Nik was kind of upset that she and Jayla were going to have the same secret. It's not that Nik was particularly paranoid about being unoriginal, but Jayla was in the room when Nik was practicing her lines, so she began to worried that Jayla had stolen her line. When they told Jay, he was like whatever and the girls went ahead to do their thing. Jayla had her commercial first, and during her shoot, she said that she was afraid of the dark, but inexplicably, she added that she slept with a night-light. Whoa! Now things are getting a little strange. No, it's not impossible to say that Jayla was also using a night-light, but she never mentioned it when she and Nik told Jay that they had the same fear.

After Jayla used the exact same line that she was planning to use, Nik was so distracted, that she was the one who looked like she didn't know what the hell she was doing and had to come up with something at the last minute. Her nerves completely took control of her, and it really showed in her photo shoot as well. When you think of it, it really is kind of a strange move for Jayla. The cameras were great and showed that Jayla was in fact in the same room when Nik was practicing. It's really hard to think that this Jehovah's Witness that has broken about every rule in the book had trouble with a secret. From her original interview, I imagine that she has plenty of secrets. Nik, who has come to be known as the "nice girl" decided that she wasn't going to confront Jayla, but that doesn't mean that she didn't hope Jayla got what she deserved. She said that karma is a bitch, thankfully leaving out any boomerang or javelin comparisons, and that instead she would simply ignore Jayla.

Hmmm, is there another rivalry brewing? Perhaps, and here are my favorite pictures from this week (yes, I know I pick the same girls almost every week, get used to it):

I didn't think that much more would come of this situation, and I was just amazed that I caught Jay Manuel with his guard down. When he reached up at one point during the shoot, I could see the beginnings of a pit stain. I don't usually mention stuff like that, but he is always Mr. Couture and takes so much pride in being well-kempt that it was nice to take him down a notch. But to think that nothing else would happen would be to forget what I was getting so excited about during the beginning of the recap. Nik and Jayla quickly became the talk of the house, and it seemed like people totally forgot what was so bad about Lisa. In fact, Jayla was asking Lisa for help. She didn't know why Nik had stopped talking with her, and I have to say, Lisa was doing a great job of pretending to have concern for Jayla, but really wanting to stir things up. When Jayla first asked, she said that she promised not to talk about it, but it didn't take long for Lisa to drop some hints and make Jayla realize that it was the secret situation that was bothering Nik.

Although I like the way that Lisa and Coryn went face to face when they had their big blowup, there is something to say about the way Nik and Jayla decided to handle their beef. Nik basically told a bunch of people what she was pissed about, but since she didn't say anything to Jayla, she never got a chance to defend herself. Jayla doesn't confront Nik, because by saying something to her, she risks her plan getting exposed, but since she can't confront Nik, her arguments for her side simply build up inside of her and threaten to explode. Earlier, Jayla had said "Lisa keeps putting herself in stupid situations" and that it was so much like high school in the house. I LOVE it when people can't take their own advice.

Thankfully for all of us, when feelings of hatred threaten to consume a reality contestant, they are able to vent to all of us through the diary room. I kind of think their diary or confessional room is kind of dumb, and that underwear on the wall and the camera makes it look like they are shooting the Blair Witch Project inside of a Victoria's Secret fitting room whenever one of the girls speak. Decor aside, there is still plenty that goes on in there, and Jayla really let it all go. She started talking about how she hated everybody in the house and how she realized that there will be very few people she'll be friends with when they all leave the house. She says she is sick of Nik and her nice girl attitude and she says that there are some people she tolerates only because she has to. Jayla then said that Nik was cut and used an emphatic throat slash to get her point across, and if that wasn't enough, she said that if they have to share much more time in the house, she predicts that something big is going to go down. YES! If there was a tag team match or featuring Jayla, Nik, Lisa, and Coryn, that would be awesome. (I would also take hell in a cell or queen of the ring.)

At panel, we finally got to see the finished products from all of the girls. We also learned some of the other secrets that the girls had. For instance, Bre said that she loves men' underwear (briefs) and Kim said that sometimes she screams like a little girl.

Everybody was really impressed by Nicole's performance. Nigel thought she had a great face and a great face, and I have to admit, Nicole was really good at using little facial expressions to be fun and flirty while doing her commercial. I thought her picture was good and bore more than a passing resemblance to Eliza Dushku, but it didn't blow me away. I think she did her best job yet of coming across with a little sex appeal to match her angelic aura that seems to surround her, but I guess I just liked others better.

Kyle did well, but she was overacting in her commercial, and to let her know how she sounded, Tyra did a little overacting giving some of her critiques. Like always, Kyle was safe with her pictures, and I think she is going to have to show some attitude soon if she is going to stick around longer. She still has the best parts to work with though. Bre was good in the commercial, but looked bored in her picture. When they were talking about Kim, I kept on thinking about her posture. She's thin, but doesn't hold her skin well and looks flabby in places. The general consensus is that there is a lot wrong with her, but it all seems to work.

When the judges came to discuss Lisa, I thought that Tyra was going to come over and kiss her feet. They wondered why she had chosen her clothes. She said that she wanted to do something that was fun, and she was clearly in a great mood, but what she had on looked more like she was about to go on stage for Roaring Twenties night at the Spearmint Rhino. Still, her performance had Tyra saying that it was bringing tears to her eyes and that she has the best raw natural talent. You could see some looks on the other girls as this Lisa Love Montage was going on, and it surely isn't going to make any of her more jealous rivals happy. Nigel continued by saying that she brings great personality to the photograph and looked gorgeous. I agree with a lot of what they said. Lisa's 'let it all hang loose' attitude is not right for everything, but it worked for this challenge and she stayed focused. She was asked a question that gave her an opportunity to rip on one of her housemates, but she turned the interview back to the deodorant and how it could make her smelly Italian pits (her words, not mine!) smell good all day.

With all of the praise for Lisa, you knew she wasn't going home this week. I thought that they had done all of that setup with the drinking and the boyfriend reveal and all of that good stuff so we had plenty of new information to send her home, but that was not the case as her name was the first to be called. The girls also learned that the person who had the best picture would have a magazine ad, but despite all of her praise, Lisa did not win. Perhaps it was because Nigel said that she leaves you wanting more, but that he can't stand her. The best picture honor went to Nicole, which I guess is not a bad choice, but I liked Nik and Lisa's pictures more. I surely didn't agree with them when they were wowed by Kim's pictures. Sorry Kim fans, she's looking worse and worse to me each week, no matter what angle her face is at.

Is modeling Nicole's Tru Calling?

No, the last two girls this week were kind of a surprise, because they are both attractive and have taken good pictures, "they" being Nik and Coryn. Both were called in because there was clearly something missing in what they did that day. For Coryn, the problem has always been the same, and it has to do with her overall sadness. Good looking, but whatever she has to deal with in her life away from modeling weighs so heavy on her that she can't shake it off to smile or warm up. Her interviews are pretty awful, and in person she is deathly serious, like everybody in the room will instantly explode if she smiles. Maybe she watched Raiders of the Lost Ark too often and fixated on that scene where everybody's face either melts off or their heads explode.

Nik was there for a similar reason. I think she is very attractive, but one of the judges had an interesting thing to say when he said that she was not beautiful but she was sexy, which is an interesting way to put it, but I still don't agree. Nik also has a little bit of a personality problem in person with her presence, but it was mainly her performance this week that had her on the verge of getting cut. To make things worse, she said that her weakness was talking in front of a camera. True, she worked on it, but Tyra said that they need somebody who is comfortable in front of the camera, because that is something she might be asked to do quite often. When describing what went wrong the past week, Nik mentioned that there was something that had really bothered her, but stopped short of mentioning Jayla or the particular situation by name.

Coryn was eliminated, and I think Tyra had it right when she said that she was so radiant and sad, and that the judges were thinking of eliminating her to save her from the depressing life of modeling. At the same time, Coryn is a surprise, because she has been able to take great pictures and the judges really seem to feel for her, but they just can't get past all of the melancholy that surrounds her.

Did the right person go home this week? Was Jayla a bitch for stealing Nik's line? Who will Lisa fight with now that Coryn is gone? What is a secret you would like to share if you were selling deodorant? Longest recap EVER?

Posted by at 9:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (40)

Hello, I'm back! With the seasons of the two other shows I've been recapping complete (Surreal Life) or pre-empted for the baseball playoffs (Prison Break), I've had a mini-vacation for this past week. And what did I do with all my free time? When I wasn't bailing out my basement (thank you nine straight days of rain!) or reading (ha ha, just kidding... Gotcha!), I tried watching the phenomenon that is Laguna Beach. I lasted all of five minutes... I simply just don't get it. Here's what I learned: That Stephen kid is a tool, that Jason mook is an illiterate buffoon, that Kristin chick has the ability to look condescending at the drop of a hat, and well, that I hate all of them. So I'll stick with highbrow fare such as The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. And this week, with candidate Jim still infecting my television, lowbrow is the new highbrow.

Ah yes, Jim, the guy who has an over-the-top statement regarding just about everything in life. The guy who is so ridiculously passionate about every mundane detail within the show, but didn't seem to care too much that his wife delivered a baby girl during taping. Immediately, Jim mourned the loss of sad-sack Dawn last week by pantomiming a neck slice while intoning, "Dawn is gone!" Lucky for Jim, he's not playing in the NFL as that is an offense worthy of a $20,000 fine these days. As if that weren't scary enough, suddenly the phone rang! OH MY GOD! THE PHONE! With a look of sheer terror frozen on the faces of Bethenny, David the Silent Croatian, and some bland blond from Primarius, Carrie sprinted across the loft to answer it.

OH MY GOD! IT'S LIMEY JULIA ON THE PHONE! (Get it? She's British AND she looks like she's always sucking on limes. Damn, that's good. It's LimeyJulia from now on... Must add new word to spellchecker.) There was some concern over the call, because LimeyJulia said Martha wanted to see everyone in the conference room pronto. But they had just left the conference room! What monumental event warranted their immediate return? Had Charles finally lit his stupid cigar? Had Alexis awoken from her slumber? No, Martha had simply decided it was time to reshuffle the teams, as Matchstick's losing streak had left them with a distinct numbers disadvantage.

Using a convoluted method, the new teams broke down as follows: Jennifer, Howie, Sarah, Carrie, Bethenny, and Jim were the "New Primarius." Ryan, Dawna, Amanda, Leslie, David, and Marcella; the "New Matchstick." I know, I'm thinking the same thing right now - "Jennifer? Dawna? Sarah? Who?" Turns out they are three of the random women that have been on PrimeRealEstatius all along. Who knew? Honestly, I watch this show more closely than pretty much anyone (it being my duty and all) and I can't for the life of me remember anything consequential said or performed by those three. And Jennifer is only noticeable because she's the only non-Caucasian on the show. (Unless you count the elevator kid with the stick we catch a glimpse of at the beginning and end of every show - I don't know about you, but I want to know about about the Elevator Kid) Now that the teams were completed, a tired Martha said, "I will say adieu and I will say goodbye." Not content with her odd bit of redundancy, she then broke into song, "So long, farewell, Auf wiedersehn, adieu! Adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu!" If only.

Both teams were full of optimism that night when last-picked Jim decided to be an idiot again. Kissing his paltry biceps he noted, "I'm the strongest person on this team." Then he went off on some rant about how he's the "Desperado" on the team and how he simply "needs to win for his family." Oh, you mean the family that is one daughter larger now than when you last saw them? I especially liked the touch of him showing off the ultrasound picture of his new daughter - the one that was actually a week or so old at that point. Am I wrong for thinking the birth of a child should supercede a stunt casting on a reality show? Because there is no way in a billion years Martha would hire an ADD/ADHD buttwipe such as Jim.

The next morning the phone rang again, setting off a race to answer it. Remember when you and your sibling were like, six, and you'd race to answer the phone? Well, that's exactly what Ryan and Carrie did on the show. These people can be so weird - I mean, it's only LimeyJulia calling and she couldn't care less who answers the damn phone. What's more, this week was another VideoMartha moment so she had pre-taped her bit days prior. Actually, VideoMartha explained that she was attending to "Business in Bedford." She was "At the farm preparing new recipes with lettuce from her very own garden right there." Two things: how many excuses for, "my parole does not allow me to travel to the city today," can she come up with and, wow... lettuce... from her very own garden? Christ, I grew lettuce this summer and I don't know shit about gardening. (EdHill is a total garden nerd, by the way.)

On to the task: Each team would create, market, and sell their original salad dressing and whoever made the most money would win. Proving that Martha's version is the poor sister to Donald's, this week's sponsor was Wishbone, "A 300 million dollar a year company!" Pssst, Martha... If it's not "Billions with a B," we don't care. Each team would set up shop at a local(ish) Stew Leonard's supermarket and have a certain number of hours to ply their wares. Awesome, a chance for me to school you with some of MY local knowledge - enough of this LA dirt from J-Unit - Stew Leonard's only has stores in Connecticut and one in Yonkers. This is gonna be exciting! (Stew Leonard's is a step above your national chain supermarket, but a notch or two below the Wild Oats and Whole Foods of the world.)

The teams were whisked away to the Wishbone test kitchens in New Jersey and began their work. Each team had a resident chef (Marcella and Bethenny) and both leaned very heavily on both. Marcella set to work immediately and came up with a delicious spicy dressing, which relied heavily upon her Mexican background. The team loved it - if we've learned anything from reality TV this summer, it's that "Everyone Loves a Spicy Latina Salad Dressing!" Well, everyone except The New Matchstick's resident dominatrix Amanda: "It's green! It looks like vomit." Back to the drawing board.

Over in the New Primari - you know what? I absolutely hate the name "Primarius." I was really hoping with the reshuffle that we'd get some new names. I don't know why I hate the name so much... Maybe because it's the most Patentently Retarded and Idiotic Moniker Anyone Recalls In the United States? Yeah, that's it. Anyway, a very confident (uh-oh) Bethenny produced what she deemed an Asian Vinaigrette. Everyone Loves a Spicy Asian Vinaigrette! Not-So-Spicy Asian Project Manager Jennifer gave it the thumbs up and Jim confidently (uh-oh) set to work on designing the bottle label. The scene ended with Bethenny singing that stereotypical Chinese pan flute sound you often hear after a gong ring in old Charlie Chan movies. It wasn't offensive, per se, but I still secretly wished Jennifer karate chopped Bethenny in her peanut head. Cuz, you know, all Asians know karate.

Marcella's second attempt produced a "Rosemary Lime Vinaigrette" which was received with a very noncommittal group response of "It's fine." I bet LimeyJulia would have loved it. Despite the tepid reaction, The New Matchstick rolled with it and made their way over to the Yonkers supermarket to begin selling. The crowd response was overwhelmingly positive right off the bat. In fact, one creepy looking customer positively gushed, "It's got a nice tang and it's got a little bit of spunk." Ummmmm, okaaaaaay. "Tang?" "Bit of spunk?" Sounds like something they mopped up off of the floor at one of those Times Square video booths, but whatever floats your boat, big guy.

Over the Cross County Parkway and up I-95 to Norwalk, Connecticut, The New Primarriedwithchildrens prepared to sell their Asian Vinaigrette. Immediately, Idiot Jim played the fool as he thought he was selling some Cure-All Tonic at the 1895 Biloxi Town Fair. He was positively shouting nonsense about the dressing "Curing warts," and being a good medium for "Massaging your wife." Life According to this Jim is so stupid and grating, it makes Life According to that Jim actually seem funny. Jim's teammates were justifiably pissed off at his shenanigans, but PM Jennifer didn't try to control him. She claimed her reluctance to rein him in was borne out of fear - and I believed her.

Later, the Jim Show continued (after a highly ill-advised Red Bull) with such sales pitches as, "Wishbone! Wish I wasn't being boned right now!" Huh? I hate Jim. And so do the moms and toddlers of my fair state. You see, in a moment of extreme idiocy and Red Bull fueled aggression, Jim growled, "They don't have the f*ckin' balls..." He was referring to the New Matchstickers, but he did it within earshot of soccer moms and their kids. Kids were appalled, moms were aghast. One whiny hausfrau even complained to the store manager about that mean old Mango look-alike, Jim, and his decidedly non-Gold Coast Connecticut potty mouth.

The manager reprimanded Jim and Jennifer for the transgression and as a result, Jim toned down his massage and bunion pitch in deference to saying gems like, "Marinate your meats and pasta. I marinate my pasta all the time." Yeah, I really hate Jim.

Down in NY, shenanigans of a different sort were afoot. Leslie was going for a hard sell of her own - actually surreptitiously slipping extra bottles of their dressing in carts when no one was looking. While her teammates discussed the legality of such chicanery, they quickly learned the gig was up when cashiers returned 30 or 40 bottles back to their display stand. Yonkersites ain't that stupid, Leslie. [Aside: I do, however, still find it funny to slip adult diapers into carts of unsuspecting fellow shoppers at the checkout. Try it sometime.]

With the allotted selling period over, the New Primartians exuded confidence (uh-oh) and were full of pats on backs. Despite Jim's lunacy and Jennifer's ineffective leadership, they still sold a shitload of bottles at $3.99 a pop. Both teams strode into the conference room and took their places. In a particularly odd moment, the Silent Croatian was caught with a totally creepy grin. Since this was David, and since David is a weird dude, I shudder to think what was causing him to grin like that. Did he get a boner and was really enjoying the feel of the corduroy? Did he just kill a hobo? Did he lay a noxious fart and blame it on LimeyJulia? Only Silent Croatian knows - and you damn well know he's not sayin.'

Actually, Martha even asked him what he was smiling about (I think she was scared) but he simply shrugged it off and attributed it to the "fun challenge." This was this week's one MarthEnunciation moment I've come to expect and enjoy, as she compared David to the "Shehshure" (as in Cheshire) Cat - oh Martha, how you confound and fascinate me. She then tasted each dressing and gave them both her stamp of approval - the raised MarthaBrow. The sales results? The new Primaretardos sold $1560.09 worth of dressing at $3.99 a pop whereas the new Matchstickers came correct with $1580.97 after selling more bottles at $3.49. A $20 victory, but a victory nonetheless.

Time for a commercial break - a truly horrible commercial break. We've come to learn that poor Alexis Stewart apparently hates being on camera, and has absolutely no stage presence. Unfortunately, the Wishbone Company missed that memo and thought it would be fun to feature her and Charles in a show tie-in spot for their limited edition salad dressings. I wouldn't call Alexis ugly, but for some reason, make-up and hair simply does not work for her. Now I know why she appears so plain and dour on the show. Anyway, here's the commercial - for those of you who don't watch the show, Alexis is the one with the darker hair.

At least the winners got sort of a reward this week. I'm sure the bitter taste of victory was still in the old Primarimariquitecontraryius's minds after last week's "sit around and stare at the walls" non-reward reward. This week, the winners got to sail around Ellis Island on an old 1893 schooner. Martha saw them off on their journey saying, "I just wanted to make sure the boat was in order and it is." Sure. The funny part was when one of the nondescript women yelped, "Thank you so much," as if Martha performed a rigorous inspection on the ship. She bid them farewell with a mournful look which said, "I'd love to join you but a) it's actually quite cold and miserable, b) you actually have to work to sail that damn thing, and c) my parole officer is calling." The winners sailed around and spouted a bunch of clichés about teamwork and getting wind in their sails. Ho-hum.

The real action was up in the loft where Jim was once again aggressively fighting for his MarthApprentice life. He saw the writing on the wall that his new teammates were in agreement about getting rid of him. His strategy was to go after Jennifer, the Project Manager, pointing out that she "did nothing." It would be a tough sell, as one of his female teammates said, "At least I know Jen isn't going to kill me in my sleep." That's a pretty reasonable argument, but I feared it may not work on Martha. After all, she lived several months in jail where getting killed in her sleep was a nightly expectation.

Jim moved on to a strategy discussion with Howie and Carrie. It was going well until Jim made the mistake of mentioning that the dreading "F word" gaffe was also equally the fault of Howie. Whoa! While not quite Hurricane Howie, this Howie certainly did become Tropical Depression Howie and started screaming at weasely Jim. Out of nowhere he yelled, "I'm the dragonslayer, bro, bring it on motherf*cker! Don't even try to slay this dragon motherf*cker because you will go down!" Wow, can't wait til Martha sends him packing. Jim backed down a bit and said he was simply "warning" Howie to watch out. This, of course, caused Howe’s neck veins to pop out even further and warn Jim not to warn him. Because that makes sense in meathead world - a world I avoid at all costs.

Finally, it was time for the conference room and of course it was finally time for that jackass Jim to go. He was completely unprofessional and inappropriate during the challenge, he's insane, and everyone hates him. Bethenny showed up in what appeared to be a negligee top and Martha told a little story about shopping at Stew Leonard's herself back when she lived in my fair state of Connecticut. Like Trump, the whole conference room discussion seemed like the New Primarats got crushed in the competition. I hate that - they lost by a measly twenty bucks, and really, maybe the foot traffic at the Yonkers store was substantially greater than in Connecticut? These things bother the shit out of me.

Then the most annoying conference room session thus far got going with Charles calling out Jim for his annoying snake oil salesman tactics. They discussed the "good for your bunions" lines and then Charles made another funny. The problem was, it was too cryptic for most viewers - Jim said he thought he was being "witty" and Charles said, sarcastically, "Well, you were half right." In other words, he was calling Jim, "Shitty." At least I think that's what he meant. Then, for some reason, Charles turned his wrath toward Jennifer, blasting her for not controlling Jim more. Jim, currently the most annoying person on reality TV, then agreed with Charles. So yeah, Jim was agreeing that Jen did a poor job of stopping Jim from being a total jackoff.

What's more, Jim also said, "Martha, you have ten-thousand Jennifers at your company and very few Jims." Martha said it best when she said, "And there might be a very good reason for that." This nonsense went on a while longer as everyone agreed that Jim was "a raving lunatic," "a nut," and "scary." Martha dispensed with formality and told everyone to return to the loft except for Jennifer and Jim - which made perfect sense. Alexis, Charles, and Martha discussed the two on the chopping block, also agreeing that Jim was crazy, but also that it was Jen's fault for not controlling him better. HELLO?! The dude is INSANE - you can't control a person like that. I couldn't believe that they were even contemplating sending Jen home.

With Jen and Jim back at the table, Martha began using polite euphemisms for Jim's constitution. She called him "experimental," and "spontaneous." Sigh, I knew what was going on here. Jim even called the show a "Game," which raised Martha’s ire. When she told him it wasn't a "Game," Jim nodded and agreed vociferously. But... He... Just... Said the opposite! Jen presented her case very well and Jim was still acting like a coked up imp. Amazingly, Martha told Jen that she was, "Just not working for [her], goodbye."

I'm sorry, but that was ridiculous. In fact, after Martha cheekily said, "Sometimes it's better to have a livewire around," (For your company or your show, Martha?) the scenes from next week's show contained a whole mess of scenes with Jim being the asshole we've all come to hate. Gee, go figure.

Posted by at 5:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (34)

What happens when Wyclef Jean and the men of The Apprentice team up? Why, you get America's next hit single. Even if you don't watch The Apprentice, this clip has to be seen -- nay, experienced.

Posted by at 2:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (46)

It's Friday morning. 3:17 AM to be exact, and I'm now finally sitting down to watch The Apprentice. In the interest of saving a little time and getting this post up on a Friday for once, I've decided to change things up a bit and liveblog the hour. It's bound to be a good one. After all, this is the episode that shamefully promotes Zenthura. I haven't even seen the show, and I've already spent the past six hours saying, "ZENTHURA!" It's almost as good as Steve Wynn's "LE RÊVE!" (I can't explain it. Just go to his website and hunt down "Le Rêve" in the shows category). One question: it is Zenthura, right? Right??

3:29 AM
Ah, reliving the last stand of Toral. So sad to see her go.

3:30 AM
Up in the suite, the guys expect Felisha to be fired. I think Felisha should have been fired -- for not being able to spell HER OWN NAME.

3:33 AM
You know, Marshawn is really strong and articulate. She basically tells the women to stop talking behind each other's backs. All the women agree. Cut to five minutes later: "OMG, did you see what Marshawn was wearing? What a bitch!"

3:34 AM
Ah, the early morning Rhona call. Alla steps out of the bedroom looking like an old woman in her layers of bathrobes and such. She picks up the banana phone and learns that Trump is very busy that morning, but he wants to meet everyone at 7:30 AM. ZENTHURA! Sorry, that was premature.

3:36 AM
Trump meets everyone at a park. No George this week, but we get Bill Rancic, who still looks like he just won his job about three hours earlier. Why don't Kelley or Kendra ever show up?

3:38 AM
Trump tells the women that they have the option to take someone from Excel. They get a minute to confer, but they already know who they want. Squidward! a.k.a. Randal a.k.a. Not Happy. "Shit!" mouths a frustrated Josh.

3:40 AM
Felisha says: "Capital Edge picked Randal for two reasons. 1) We thought he would be an asset to our team, and 2) we thought it would hurt the men's team to lose him." And of course reason number three: once you black, you never go back.

3:42 AM
Trump says that teams will be designing floats and working with Sony Pictures. On top of that, he adds that Sony Pictures is "one of the great movie pictures companies in the world." I'm sure the suits at NBC UNIVERSAL really liked that plug.

3:44 AM
Trump says that the movie is called "ZATHURA!" Wait? I've been calling it "Zenthura?" I've been pulling a Jen all this time? That's just embarrassing.

3:45 AM
Okay, this task is dumb. Build a float to "incorporate the spirit of the movie?" What's next? Gratuitous celebrity cameos from the stars?

3:47 AM
The answer to that last question: yes. Trump: "You'll meet with the director of the movie, John Favreau." Man, remember when that guy had cred? Daredevil and then Zathura? He's done.

3:49 AM
Josh is concerned that the women stole Randal. "Randal has our secret sauce," he says. Literally. They were planning on making Big Macs that afternoon.

3:53 AM
MONEY MATTERS! It's the big lesson of the week. And to demonstrate that point, we see Trump talking on the phone with Miss Universe sitting nearby. So you see, money does matter. Because without money, Miss Universe would never be sitting next to The Donald.

3:55 AM
Project Manager Brian says, "It was time for me to step up." Well, with the assistance of a small crate.

3:56 AM
Hey John Favreau: stop trying to be like your friend Ben Affleck. LOSE THE FACIAL HAIR.

3:56 AM
Remember when John Favreau had cameos in cool shows like The Sopranos? How did he wind up in reality TV?

3:57 AM
"Can you tell us a little bit about the story of Zarutha?" Brian asks. Jon Favreau gives him a look like "WTF???" and says "Uh, Zarutha?" Yeah, Brian. What sort of a douchebag messes up the word "Zathura?" It just rolls off the tongue!

3:57 AM
ZENTHURA!

3:57 AM
I mean, ZARUTHA!

3:57 AM
Um, zathura.

4:00 AM
John Favreau explains to us, "The elephant in the living room on this project is it's a name that once you learn it, it's easy. But if you only hear it once, you're not going to remember the title." Actually, the elephant in the living room is how fat you've gotten. No offense.

4:01 AM
Favreau adds, "And a big part of why we're doing this is to teach people what the name of the film is." You don't have to teach us. We know what it is: ZENTHURA! Shit. Zathura.

4:02 AM
Tim Robbins is in Zenurethra? So much for his Za-Oscar.

4:03 AM
Josh explains the movie: "Zathura's a children's book about two brothers who find this board game. As soon as they open the board game, their house is actually uprooted from earth and becomes their spaceship, and they go on this wild adventure throughout the galaxy." Sounds like it's right up Meryl Streep's alley. What? She's not in this movie. Somebody fire her agent.

4:11 AM
Jennifer M. announces she'll be Project Manager. Just thought I'd share.

4:12 AM
Brian says he wants the audio on the float to say "Zathura" over and over and over again. Kind of like this episode?

4:14 AM
Uh oh. Markus not doing anything. Not being effective! Time to hate on him again! Brian has Markus fetch dinner. Markus tells us he's the "Teflon Player." I think he's dumb.

4:16 AM
Kristi, who's greatest contribution to this season has been offering a XXX exercise class, designs a float for her team. Her idea: show the three stages of the Zathura household. The house at rest, the house going to space, and the house in space. Oh, well that clearly displays the scope of the movie. Minus the characters... and villains... and the all important family bond.

4:18 AM
Good news! Kristi is the new Toral. Except whereas Toral had brains, Kristi has twang.

4:19 AM
Wow, Randal has some crazy Squidward face going on right now. I'm sorry, I meant Za-Squidward.

4:20 AM
Hey, Jen just confronted Kristi about her attitude, and she was well-stated, friendly, yet firm. Impressive. ZATHURA!

4:21 AM
Ooh! Jen just accidentally slammed a door in Kristi's face. Take THAT, Reese Witherspoon!

4:23 AM
Markus yawns. He's tired. Hey, so am I, and I'm not complaining. Actually, I am. I've gotten twenty minutes through this show, and yet it's been nearly an hour since I've been typing. Just more fun times at TVgasm.

4:26 AM
Brian and Markus have a minor fight. Markus thinks Brian was being offensive by making him order dinner. Brian thinks Markus can't take a joke. Come on, people. This is a happy time. ZATHURA!

4:28 AM
Uh oh. Josh snipping at Markus now, saying that he's tired of cleaning without Markus's help. Too bad Randal's got all their secret sauce, huh?

4:29 AM
Wow, Rebecca without makeup looks somewhat scary. Meanwhile, the women are freaking out about their float. And where's Jennifer? Out getting stuff. Sounds like it'll be down to Za-wire.

4:33 AM
Hey, Brian's doing pretty well for the presentation. Oh... wait... the "stupid music" is playing. Yup, Brian's babbling on too long. And ouch! Favreau just told him to be quiet. Josh tells us it was like Brian had been "injected with Markus fluid." Injected with Markus fluid? I don't want to see what that process looked like. And let's just go over this again: Randal has the secret sauce, and Brian has the Markus fluid. Anyone else got a suggestive liquid they'd like to declare?

4:36 AM
The camera pans over to the team, and for one majestical moment, we get to see Mark's pearly white teeth. I think we may need protective goggles to look at those choppers.

4:38 AM
Wah wah wah. Jennifer M: "So bear with us as we take you through the incredible adventure of Zenthura!"

4:38 AM
Jennifer: "Zenthura is all about transition."

4:39 AM
Well, at least everyone's having a good time with this. Carolyn, Bill, the execs, Favreau -- they're all laughing at Jen, and here she goes again: "We wanted to have not only the house and the boys, but the game itself, Zenthura!"

4:41 AM
Jen again! "And we wanted to show your name Zenthura very large." IT'S WRITTEN BEHIND YOU! ZATHURA!!!

4:42 AM
Jen: "We are in love with our Zenthura float." Too bad there's NO SUCH MOVIE.

4:44 AM
What's this?? Trump walks out of his office and says to a fresh, young, ingenue: "Georgette, I'm going over to Sony." Georgette? Grrrrrowl!

4:46 AM
Favreau and the exec like the guys... Hmmm, before I even get to the madness of what's to come, I'm just going to pause this liveblog and get some shuteye...

10:07 PM
So much for getting this up by Friday morning. An unexpected lunch with the big wigs at my work meant that my normal recapping time was spent noshing on fries instead of typing at the 'Gasm offices.

10:09 PM
Brian wins exemption. And also we learn the float will appear in the Hollywood Halloween Parade, also known as the most god awful parade in the history of parades. Still, I might have to sneak out there just to take a snapshot of this legendary Zathura float.

10:11 PM
Oooookay. Excel's prize? Heading to a music studio to write music with Wyclef Jean. This has disaster written all over it. Did Wyclef Jean wake up one day and realize, "Gosh, the Black Eyed Peas have really cornered the market on whoring themselves out. There's got to be a way to trump them. Trump! Ah hah! To the Wyclef-mobile!"

10:13 PM
Trump says, "I'm a little impressed, Brian." Emphasis on "little." Zing! Another height cheap shot!

10:15 PM
And commence awkward whiteness... now. The guys meet Wyclef, and we learn they'll be writing a song called "The Rubble Man." Brian is apparently Rubble -- the brain child of that HILARious Josh. Oh, and it gets better. Brian is Rubble because like Barney Rubble, he has no indent in the back of his head. Oh, that Hannah Barbara comedy kills every time, Josh.

10:18 PM
Wyclef has all the guys play a musical instrument. But will Adam sing?? I still can't get his last ditty out of my head: "Delicious wishes..."

10:19 PM
Every frame of this scene is reality gold. Markus just yelled "YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS?" as if he were a rapper. Because clearly he isn't.

10:20 PM
Adam, or as I like to call him -- Vanilla Usher -- lets loose with the R&B: "Ladies, if you see us in the club FREAKIN', join us. It's Rubble time!" This is followed by the other men singing some baritone, Viking-esque note. But nothing compares to wee Brian as he lets loose his skillz: "I'm a medium pimp / got girls around the world / in the club / watching girls twirl." If you're going to sound lame, at least use some semblance of iambic meter. Sheesh.

10:24 PM
I never thought The Apprentice could top the Tana/Lil' Jon episode, but then again, I clearly underestimated the power of white guys rapping. I firmly believe this reward was conceived purely to recreate that Tana magic. And oh, how they've succeeded. I mean, Brian just did a back flip. And here comes Adam again with his signature line, "FREAKIN'!"

10:28 PM
Back in the suite, Jennifer complains about Kristi. Wow, she's really FREAKIN'! Anyway, she says that right before the presentation, Kristi said to her, "Jennifer, don't screw it up, don't miss it, don't miss the point." Which is exactly what Jennifer did. Probably would have been better off simply whispering, "ZATHURA."

10:31 PM
Okay. Boardroom time. Hey, way to give Rebecca a helping hand. The poor girl literally hops from the elevator to the Boardroom. C'mon Robin. Get off your lazy ass!

10:32 PM
Meeeow! Out of the gate, Jennifer begins the Kristi bashing, and Alla even comes to her defense. Sort of. Oh, and Carolyn is furious. She's yelling more than Trump. "And the scale! It was awful!" Carolyn HATES bad perspective!!

10:35 PM
Did Trump just call Marshawn "Marsha"? That's like calling Zathura, "Zenthura."

10:36 PM
Remember what I said about Marshawn a few weeks ago? She's a killer in the boardroom, and she's got Kristi in her crosshairs!

10:37 PM
When Kristi gets mad, she sort of sounds like a little dog. And there's Bill Rancic: smiling, looking goofy, offering nothing whatsoever.

10:37 PM
Oh, the old intimidation game. Kristi says, "You know what? Maybe you're intimidated." Jennifer responds, "I am not intimidated by you. You're intimidated by me, Kristi." I know you are, but what am I?

10:39 PM
Trump tells Jennifer to bring two people back with her. The rest of the ladies "are gonna go to this magnificent suite in the sky, on 57th and 5th. The famous Trump Tower." He then adds, "When he's in town, God stays there."

10:41 PM
Jennifer brings back Kristi and that's it. I hate this trend. Meanwhile, Bill Rancic smiles quietly in the corner. Could he be any more worthless?

10:44 PM
Trump says, "You two don't like each other, do you?" That would be an understatement. Kristi says that Jennifer isn't a straight shooter. Yeah, like that time when she directly told you how you were being perceived by the team, that was totally devious.

10:47 PM
Jennifer looks like she's about to lose it right there in the Boardroom. Cry! CRY!

10:48 PM
Oooh. Kristi gets Za-Fired, and it's because she spent her whole time on the defensive. You know, all she needed to do was say one thing to get Jennifer fired: ZATHURA. Literally.

10:50 PM
As the girls head out, Jennifer offers an olive branch. "I'm sorry," she says, causing Kristi to snap back, "SHUT UP! I don't even want to hear it, Jen."

10:53 PM
"There's no doubt about it. I'm just going to have to make some drastic changes to this team. This team is not working," Trump says afterwards. Hey, isn't that exactly what Martha Stewart said on her Apprentice when Matchstick lost, even after taking on a Primarius woman? So the student becomes the teacher...

10:55 PM
Oh, a nice little bonus treat. NBC plays "The Rubble Man" one last time as Jennifer returns to the suite. Doesn't really make sense, but we welcome it anyway.

10:57 PM
HOLY SHIT. Next week looks like the best Apprentice EVER. Carolyn's in charge, but The Donald's still there and he's piiisssed! Eyes rolling back into my head. And with that, the not-so-liveblog comes to an end. Fun times, people. Fun times.

Posted by at 2:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (27)

Well we’ve now gone through two episodes of Making The Band 3 and Diddy has started to cut some of the fat. And I personally can’t thank him enough. The show was full of fat. To put it in perspective, if this show was a meal, it would be a big greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray (extra points to whoever can name which movie that’s from). But now we need to turn it into a lean turkey club sandwich with lowfat mayo and a side salad with a nice vinaigrette. And in this episode we start to see Diddy really coming into his own as he falls back on some of his true talents. I’ve got two words for you: rickshaw and bullhorn.

It's true, for the first time this season we will not be subjected to a half hour of bad singing. This is good news because the scabs on my eardrums from last episode have yet to fully heal. Remember John Goodman’s ears in Barton Fink? That is what bad songs sung badly can do to you. No, this episode will be all about the art of dance. And in Diddy’s world the kind of dancing he is looking for is the kind that can be done with a pole and a garter belt to hold singles. Like I said, the man is a good businessman. And the first rule of business is don’t talk about business. Wait, that’s Fight Club. No, the first rule of business is to sell people what they want. And what we want (or at least what Diddy and I want) is a world full of Shakiras shakin' their tail feathers. Oh what a world that would be...

We start the episode in Laurie Ann Gibson’s dance studio where she is putting the girls through her new dance routine. And let me tell you, the woman does not suffer fools lightly. Hmm, seeing as how this is a show run by a grown man who refers to himself as “Diddy,� let me rephrase. She is very tough on the girls. Yeah, that’s it.

“And a five, six, seven, eight!� she yells over and over again. Every time I hear that in my mind I always follow it up with "Schlemiel, Schlimazel, Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!" Ahh Laverne and Shirley reruns. Gotta love em. Back when I was eight, I modeled my life after Squiggy. It’s paying dividends to this day. But I digress. She follows every move with a “Boom…Cat!� which is a timing thing to keep their moves going along with the drumbeat. Not everyone is getting it.

Dominique, the short, slightly chubby girl, is not a natural dancer, and is having trouble getting the moves down. Even with help from Laurie Ann she is still having problems moving her shoulders and holding her poses. I can relate. I was like that in my first year of dance as well. But all this is overshadowed by the disaster that is Malika. The girl simply cannot dance. It’s like watching my great aunt dance, and she died in 1982. Now Malika as you all know is from season one, which I admit I didn’t watch a lot of. So why is it that she made it this far dancing like a 63-year-old milkman with shingles? Well I’m not the only one wondering. “Malika did you take any lessons at all over the last year?� scolds Laurie Ann. That hurts. "I’m just tryin’ to keep up with the boom cats" Malika tells us. Aren’t we all, Malika. Aren’t we all. Another thing we find out about Malika in this scene, other than her inability to dance, is that baby got back.

My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns hon

Since Malika is starting to feel the heat, she goes to fellow season one alum Aubrey for help with the dance moves. Dancing is Aubrey’s thing, which is good since last episode we learned that singing was definitely not. Another benefit of Aubrey: she has the greatest stomach I’ve ever seen. And she isn’t afraid to show it. In fact I don’t think she owns an article of clothing that has a midsection on it. The only downside is she insists on wearing a big ugly belly button ring. That is sooo 2002. Unless it’s actually just a dangling air freshener. [rimshot!] Thank you. I’ll be here all week. Enjoy the veal. As they go through the steps you can hear the fear in Malika's voice just as much as you can see the smugness in Aubrey’s smile. Will this be Malika’s week to go?

Dominque is another one who will not take no for an answer. She is also getting private lessons from another contestant, Amber. Later, after MTV gives us a little flashback montage of Dominique’s “overcoming the odds� moments, I realized that Dominque is Making the Band's very own Daniel 'Rudy' Ruettiger. Only instead of a white short kid trying to play football at Notre Dame in 1974, it’s a chubby black girl trying to be in a girl band in 2005. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if Charles S. Dutton doesn’t appear in one episode as her mentor. I will be surprised, however, if a really fat Jon Favreau showed up as her roommate. That would be just too weird even for me. Although he is making the reality show rounds this week…

Back in the dance studio, Laurie Ann continues to rip Malika a new one (which judging from the size of her caboose, would a very large rip). “I will not bring you in front of Puff Daddy dancing like this,� she screams. Puff Daddy? Hello? It’s Diddy. Didn’t you see the press release? Geez. She is just as difficult on Dominique, so it looks like this week we're having a good old fashioned suck off. And not in the good way.

Speaking of Diddy, it's now time for him to make his appearance. And as always, he does it in style. We see him landing in his Diddycopter. What are the odds that this is a Trumpian entrance? Meaning that he didn’t need to go anywhere in a helicopter, they just stuck him in there for the visual. Like Trump's fake “hold my calls� moments on the way to the boardroom. In yet more proof as to why I love this show so much, Diddy talks about how he likes to “globe trot around the globe.� Between sentences like that and all the double negatives lies my nirvana.

Diddy enters the loft as a man on a mission. The girls have five minutes to get their stuff ready and meet them downstairs. Once the girls scamper around getting dressed and get downstairs they are greeted by Diddy and the next Challenge. He is going to make them go on a six mile run through Central Park. And Diddy will follow them all in a rickshaw with a bullhorn. Brilliant!

Dominique, not surprisingly, says she is not much of a runner. “I don’t not run unless I’m being chased,� she says, and I agree wholeheartedly. Now Diddy’s excuse for having the girls run is because he wants to make sure they have “endurance and a lot of heart� or something. Whatever. If that was the criteria why isn’t Lance Armstrong starring in his own boy band? No, the real reason I suspect is it provides a perfect excuse for Diddy to fuel his ego by showing off with the public bullying people who suck up to him. It’s good to be the king.

Of course if you lived in the NY area you would know that Diddy actually ran the NY Marathon a few years ago. And from the press coverage you’d think he was attempting the greatest act of physical endurance any man ever withstood, as opposed to just running a marathon with about five thousand other people. So as Diddy is following along in his rickshaw, with the ever-grinning Andre Harell by his side, he berates the women as they run. This is the Making the Band I know and love.

Dominique is quite predictably having trouble. She is in the back of the pack with her friend Amber. But since she is our Rudy she will not quit. Tiffany, on the other hand, is running into real trouble. And you know it’s trouble when we go into the quick zooms and black and white. This is the international symbol for trouble in reality television. She tells us she was just running and then all of a sudden her hip just didn’t feel right anymore. Like a trooper of course she keeps plugging away even with her seemingly displaced hip. "Little stuff like this can get you sent home," she says. Little stuff? Little stuff is mistaking Andre for Johnny Wright. Dislocating your hip is little bit bigger deal. But I give her credit as she finishes the race.

Soon all the women finally finish the race and they collapse at the fish line. We even get to see the hot Aubrey pour a bottle of water on her head, yet the fools at MTV only let it go for about 2 seconds. Since I care about my readers (well my male ones any ways. OK, my male readers who like to ogle Aubrey as much as I do. Happy now?) I was able to grab a screenshot. She’s a maniac, maniac. And she’s dancing like she’s never danced before.

Once they are done Diddy tells them that they have to go right from there to the dance studio. When they get there, it finally dawns on them that Diddy will be doing the final dance off right then and there, when they are still exhausted from the six mile race. The man is crazy. Crazy like a fox. Tiffany is rightly scared. Her hip is getting worse and she has trouble walking, so god knows how many problems she will have stripper dancing. It's pretty much all hips. And a few well-placed knees to the crotch.

Diddy sits down and it's time for the girls to perform in groups for him. I have to admit some of them step up to the plate and get the job done; even Rudy is able to pull it off. Well, she still sucks, but she was able to get by on grit and determination. Dominique has got grit coming out of her eyeballs. The girl pees grit. When Malika is called on she does her usual horrible job which is compounded by the sheer exhaustion from the run. And Diddy is doing his super serious face today so you know that isn't good for her. Maybe now finally we can say goodbye to Malika.

When Tiffany gets called on she hobbles up and starts her routine. After a few seconds of grimacing we hear Diddy say "what's wrong wich you?" She then fesses up that she thinks has a dislocated hip. Diddy sends her off to the hospital. It looks like she is spared the guillotine this week. You see, Diddy does have heart. Also, I like writing the word Diddy.

Diddy is then ready to make his cuts. And he does it quickly and then leaves. The girls getting sent home today are Amber, Jennifer and...Malika. Finally. For some reason Malika doesn’t believe it. She knew she was a bad dancer but she still felt she should stay. Everyone else is devastated for her. Well everyone but me. I mean we all knew that he was going to cut one of the original three early on so he could instill the whole "no one is safe" vibe. And Malika with all due respect should have been booted a week ago.

She is undeterred however. She will take these lessons and use them as she keeps going forward. As she leaves us she looks in the camera and issues a challenge: "Google my name!" Fair enough. I did, and this is what I got. Keep trying, Malika. But then again when you Google EdHill, you get this dude, so I’m in no position to cast stones.

Now that we've narrowed the field down even more, will the show get better? We can only hope. We are teased with next week's promo as one of the ladies gets rushed to the hospital. Ooh, that’s good TV. Will it be as good as seeing Rebecca from America’s Next Top Model fainting during her judging? That was awesome. She dropped like a sack of bricks.

Man, I need to read a book....

Posted by EdHIll at 1:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (27)

• The Katie Holmes PR offensive/abomination continues. Appearing on Access Hollywood, she gushed, "It's a dream come true . . . I feel great, [being pregnant] is so beautiful." Uh, only if you lose the herpes, sweetcheeks. [AP]
• On the other side of that vile, vile coin, Tom Cruise has seen a not-so-astonishing-or-unexpected drop in his popularity. According to market research firm Genius Insight, his standing has plummeted from 11th most popular celebrity to 197th. [Defamer]
• In much less horrifying celebrity-mommy news, Tina Fey is returning this weekend to SNL and her role as co-anchor of "Weekend Update." As E! reports it, "Hefty funnyman Horatio Sanz has been filling her 'Update' slot." Well, that's not exactly the imagery I was looking for, but it's nice to have her back. [E! online]
• A bunch of morons across America decided to play the unlucky numbers from Lost in this week's $340m Powerball lottery, and "GASP," they, uh, lost. [E! online]

Posted by at 11:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

So a lot of people are complaining about this season’s slow pace compared to last year. But if all the questions were answered quickly, the show would be ended sooner! I think all the Lost fans should savor this show like a fine wine. This episode was all about feelings and emotions and peace and love and orange juice, which I guess technically isn't as exciting as polar bears and exploding computers, but it gave us more insight into the characters, which is a good thing. Also, this episode was an opportunity to show off that Sun is rilly rilly pretty.

It’s totally rad that there’s an Old Navy on the island. I especially love Claire’s brand new short-sleeved hoodie; that green is fantastic on her. She and Sun are doing laundry together, and as they discuss the raft, Sun realizes that she’s lost her wedding ring. In a nice touch of realism, she panics in Korean rather than English. And we head into our first flashback of the evening. In case we had forgotten that Sun was a rich girl, here she’s sitting at her jewelry box picking out sparkly things, and in the background there’s a big four-poster bed with five million pillows on it. Her mom comes in and instantly starts in with the nagging. Looks like Sun’s going on a blind date – her parents are embarrassed that she’s still single even after four years of college. Yeah, what an old hag she is.

Instead of going back to the island at the end of Sun’s flashback, we go straight to Jin’s back story, the better to remember that they were of rather different backgrounds. He’s in a dumpy little apartment with another guy, getting dressed for an interview and talking about love, life, and fish. Jin’s nervous about the interview, wants to rise above his background as a fisherman, and doesn’t want a woman, even though the “destiny book” says he needs to find a wife. An orange one, to be precise. Hey, it’s what the book says. This scene drags but they don’t actually say much, because it’s all in Korean and Korean is longer than English. This scene is like a kung-fu movie, but with a plot. And no kung fu. And in Korean, not Chinese. So actually it’s not at all like a kung-fu movie.

Back in Ana Lucia’s hatch, the Three Musketeers are trying to figure out what the hell is going on. Sawyer, who’s not looking so good, says “I think they’re gonna eat us.” Seriously. The only way Ana Lucia gets to be so rude is if she ate all the other survivors, and laughed while she cooked them. She tells them that they have to gather food and water, because they’re all going to walk over to the main camp. The music gets all dramatic-y and dun dun DUNNN when she says that, as if this was the startling, out-of-nowhere idea of a tour guide savant.

My roommate and I laugh and laugh - why do they act like it’s so dramatic to go back to the survivor’s hub? After all, that plan makes the most sense. The only sense, in fact! It’s like ordering dinner and when it arrives deciding that dammit, you’re gonna eat this dinner, no matter what anyone else thinks!

Once they’re out in the jungle, Michael asks politely if Ana Lucia could clue them in on why they have to make a federal case out of going to the main camp. Seems like a reasonable question. In response, Ana Lucia shoots his balls off with a bow and arrow. Well, not really, but her response is kind of the verbal equivalent. C’mon, you have to give us a reason why she’s such a ball breaker, or else we’ll all be clamoring for her untimely demise. Her bitchery is completely out of hand.

I guess we can’t have an episode of Lost without Jack in at least one scene, so we go back to Sun looking for her wedding ring. Jack tells a boring story. The End.

So, Jin has gone to the beach with Ana Lucia and Bernard to catch fish. I feel all happy when he catches a bunch, but I can’t get fully into it because Ana Lucia is there. Every time she talks I get all tense. From the look on Bernard’s face, he hates her too. Maybe when they get to camp Ana Lucia and Rose can mud wrestle. The other castaways could place bets with shells and bits of twig.

Ahhh, more flashbacks now. Jin is at his job interview. The manager is really mean to him, telling Jin that he smells like fish, etc. Oh look, the rich Asian guy is a classist dick. What a surprise! He does hire Jin, as a doorman, but tells him not to let in any people like him. Did you know that Asian cultures tend to have a greater sense of and appreciation for stratified society than is generally found in Judeo-Christian tradition? If you didn’t, the writers of Lost are here to let you know.

As Michael and Libby go looking for fruit, they laugh about how Sawyer is a redneck. But then things get serious as Libby says they can’t go deeper into the jungle because “that’s where they come from.” In the next scene she’s running back to her group, telling them that he ran away into the jungle. Mild panic, then Jin starts jibbering away in Korean (here conveniently un-subtitled) while everyone stares at him. Finally he says a word in English: “Walt!” Oh lordy, good thing he said that. Embarrassingly enough, I had actually forgotten about that kid.

They all head ‘em up and move ‘em out, except Jin. Aww, he wants to help Michael. Mr. Echo gets in his way, and Jin punches him. But then Mr. Echo headbutts him! Hey, I thought Ana Lucia was this team’s bitchface! And then Mr. Echo decides to help Jin. Huh? So Mr. Echo is a good guy? An upstanding gentleman? Or delusional schizophrenic?

Back at the beach, Hurley is advising Sun on how to find her ring. He has her retrace her steps from yesterday, which included feeding fruit to Vincent. That seems like a bad idea; couldn’t they catch him even just a tiny anchovy? Hurley decides that Vincent must have swallowed the ring, so they have to go wait for it. Oh fun, scatological humor. My favorite. But at least we get to have a little sit-down with Hurley, and watch him ask Sun if Seoul is in “the good Korea or the bad Korea,” then tell a story about his dog pooping out $1.35 in nickels. Sun is completely confounded. I am completely delighted.

Hurley asks Sun if she has a dog, which leads into a flashback of Sun going on her date. Oh, it’s a group date with moms and a matchmaker. It’s at the hotel where Jin works, but they don’t see each other, since he’s kowtowing at the door. It looks like a terrible set-up situation, but when we see the guy he’s really cute so we know they’ll hit it off. I like how TV makes it easy for us to know who’s worthy of affection.

Back on the island, Jin runs around all crazy-like as Echo shouts after him. There is the obligatory rustling in the bushes, and Jin is charged by a boar and knocked over. Jin don’t die! (I’m all nervous since people keep telling me that someone is supposed to die this season.) Oh good, there’s another dead body instead, and it’s rotting so we know it’s not one of our people. Echo confirms that The Others got this guy.

As they move along, Echo cuts a piece of aloe for Jin to put on his cuts, then observes that Jin is married. So Echo is Locke’s double, if we’re using that theory. Here we see that Jin has learned a few words of English, too. On the other side of the island, Sun is freaking out and tearing up her garden. My suspicions are confirmed here. Mr. Echo must be Locke’s double (good name for him too, then) and they’re really driving home the point by putting these scenes back to back. Basically Locke gets all contemplative and tells her he doesn’t get angry about things because he isn’t lost anymore. Freak. Aw, I feel bad for Sun. Her outfit is sooo cute, though! Too bad she wore white pants. They’re all dirty now.

Cut to Sun waiting at her boyfriend’s hotel. Props to the makeup and hair people for making her look a lot younger. So, is my lady getting stood up? She’s been kept waiting. When the guy finally shows up, he asks Jin for the flower from his coat, so he can wear it on his date with Sun. It goes well until he tells Sun that he’s secretly marrying an American woman is six months. He’s playing the old “oh, I thought you didn’t care” card. Guys love doing that; they can dump a girl and make her feel stupid about it, too. On the other hand, this was probably really difficult for him, as Sun looks amazing in the dress she’s wearing. Does anyone know how to say “daaammn” in Korean?

Back in the jungle, Echo’s spidey senses are acting up, and he and Jin hide under a bush, waiting for something. We see from their point of view a group of people walk by. This is shot at a weird speed or…digitized, or something fancy and technical meant to remind us that The Others are super weird. Also, they use the same shot of two people walking by twice. Could it be an editing mistake? With this show, you’ve got to be on the ball or the fans will eviscerate you. Or, maybe they’re doing it on purpose. Which would be a big ol’ ‘f you’ to us internerds.

Ew! Kate! She tries to advise Sun on the ways of the world, but Sun tells her to shut up. Preach it, sister!

Sawyer is not doing so well. He can’t move his arm, and collapses on the hike. Ana Lucia threatens to leave him there, so he gets all hot and bothered and asks her if she’s married. He’s on autopilot with the flirting. He can’t stop it, even with an infected open wound. Actually, it looks like flirting revived him enough to keep walking. Also, Ana Lucia seemed pretty receptive to it.

Echo tells Jin to wait for him at a stream while he goes to look for Walt (at least I think that’s what he said – accent issues). Why is he leaving Jin? IS IT A SET UP? I’m nervous again. We see Michael’s orange shirt at the edge of the frame. He tells Jin to go back, but Jin runs off after him anyway. I hope this is real Michael, not an apparition. Gah, I feel stupid writing that, but with this show you never know. I guess he’s real, because both Jin and Echo find him at a waterfall, screaming for Walt. They both agree to help Michael look for him.

At the beach, Sun digs up the bottle of messages. Kate grabs the bottle out of Sun’s hands and then asks if she can borrow it. Cow. Then she starts reading all the messages. When Sun gets angry at her, the actress loses her Korean accent for a second and goes “Kate, what are you dooooing?” all Valley Girl-like. I like it. Kate non-sequiturs that she didn’t properly say goodbye to Sawyer. What the hell does that have to do with reading other people’s messages? I don’t know who to disdain more – Kate, or the people that write her?

Sun finds her ring in the sand. It’s a bit more emotional than Kate getting all mopey about not saying goodbye to Sawyer, some dude she flirted with for a couple weeks. Dual flashback to Sun and Jin meeting for the first time. A girl in a bright orange dress walks by, which makes Jin laugh as he remembers his prophecy about an orange wife. Then he bumps into Sun and they get all googly-eyed at each other. Am I teary? Maybe a little.

So that’s that, folks! Only a slight advancement in plot, but I like Sun and Jin so I don’t mind spending time on their backstory. How did you like this episode? They’re telling us that a lostaway will die in the next episode….which airs in three weeks! I don’t know if I can keep it together. Feel free to talk about who you think will die based on your own independently formed opinions, but post a spoiler and feel the wrath of the ‘gasm.

Posted by Kat at 4:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (89)

• Donald Trump is blaming Martha Stewart for the decline in ratings on The Apprentice this season, claiming that having two editions of the show is a MINUS FORTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY that has "confused" viewers. I predict that the plate of poisoned amuse-bouches will arrive at Trump's office by 4pm, with the tasteful arrangement of white lilies to follow tomorrow. [NY Post]
• Botox-beast Joan Rivers has created quite a stir because of her spat with political commentator Darcus Howe, who tried to pick a racial fight with her on BBC Radio. Shockingly, Rivers was able to move her facial muscles enough to respond rather effectively. [BBC]
• Hurricane-cum-Matt-Drudge-lust-object Wilma has forced postponement of MTV's Latin America Music Awards, which were scheduled to take place at the Mexican beach resort of Playa del Carmen this week. When asked for comment, actress Salma Hayek blinked and responded, "Frida." [BBC]
• And in a nice twist of irony, Michael Jackson was just summoned for jury duty in Santa Barbara County. Since the self-proclaimed "King of Fop" is now living in Bahrain, he plans to send a shrieking, lycra-clad baboon emissary to be impaneled in his place. [AP]

Posted by at 9:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Season 2 of Scrubs is coming to DVD, and to help with some promotion ahead of the release November 15th, they want some input on which television advertisement they should use the week leading up to the release. We normally don't pass along these offers, but there is a drawing for a free DVD, so why not offer to have youtake the survey? More importantly, this offer gave me a chance to work TLC lyrics into a headline, and you have to love that.

Also, there is still time to win Season 2 of The OC and Season 4 of Smallville on DVD direct from TVgasm. The OC giveaway ends October 25th and the Smallville giveaway ends the 31st.

Posted by at 8:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

The tears were flowing on last night's Amazing Race: Family Edition. It seemed like everyone was crying, and if they weren't, they should have been. The race took some sad and morbid turns as it forced the poor Weaver family onto a race track (thanks, JESUS) and then wound up right in the heart of New Orleans. Aaaawkward. On the plus side, with fewer teams, I've now learned about one or two more names. It's pretty impressive if you think about it. Maybe by the final episode I'll actually know six of the twelve remaining racers. And who said this season wasn't personal?

Last night's show started off on a grim note. The sort of grim note that features a black screen, white text, and Phil's voice. Yes, The Amazing Race would be heading to Mississippi and Louisiana, which meant CBS had to put up a disclaimer to dedicate the episode to the memories of those who died in the hurricane. Well, I'm officially sad now. I'm starting to think The Amazing Race might be cursed. Let's not forget what happened to Sri Lanka after Phil & Co. set foot there (a little bitch I like to call Sue Nammi). And hey, didn't the show go to New York City in 2001? Very fishy. That quake in Asia last week? I think we know where Bertram Van Munster sent the racers for season nine...

Anyway, after the credits, we found our dearest Phil standing amidst the rockets in Huntsville, Alabama. With giant a striped shirt blazin' in the Southern sunlight, he welcomed us back to the race we know and usually love (depends on if it sucks, like this season). We then met up with the Bransens who were first to depart that afternoon. Their mission: travel more than 100 miles (gasp!) to the world's largest office chair in Anniston, Alabama. Yes, Anniston -- "like Jennifer," as Char Schroeder later clarified.

Well, the Bransens headed out to the big chair (although not before dissing 'Bama) and following them were the Linzes, who passed away the travel time with an old game of "Slappy!" -- popularized by Rolly and the Schroeder kid last week. Having a less joyous time were the Godlewskis who started this trip with some old fashioned midwestern bickering. Oh my gad. After the Desperate Housewives hit the road, the Weavers emerged next, and OH NO. Somebody remind the lord that they're ready to race! "Somebody pray!" commanded Linda. Luckily her daughter was right there with some pronto religiousness as she whipped off the little known "Amazing Race" prayer found in Jonathan 18:23.

Now, I like to rib the Weavers because of their kooky reactions to nearly everything, but I don't actually hate them. By and large, they're harmless, and while their religious devotion seems insanely high, I do respect that they've gone through a collective tragedy and need to find strength and guidance in some form. That being said, it was pretty funny to watch the Schroeders completely mock Linda et. al. Pater familias Mark called them "The White Trash Family," whereas Stassi chimed in with "The mom's a wicked witch." Char-Char then added, "At first we're like 'We feel so bad, they lost their dad,' and then we found out they're eeevil." Be careful, Schroeders. You never know what will happen when you mess with the Jesus team...

Next out of the Pit Stop were the fun-lovin' Paolos, and it literally took them about one second before they were a mess. This time, they had lost their information, resulting in screaming, yelling, and various iterations of "MA!" Hot on their heels were those cute Gaghans, and just when I had started to come around to the wiles of young Carissa, I became scared all over again when she announced, "Other teams underestimate us by our size... but I'm smart, I'm funny, and I can keep the team going for a long time." She then added, "WITH THE POWER OF THE DEVIL!!!" Here's an idea: let's make the first ever religious-horror-reality show. Stick Carissa in a house with the Weavers and watch the insanity ensue. I mean, that little girl already has a solid horror name: CARISSA. And as for Linda Weaver? You know who else was named Linda? LINDA BLAIR. This calls for pea soup and Max Von Sydow.

We then rejoined our beloved Paolos, who were now in stage three of a paper cut meltdown. The chaos began when Brian asked, "What's the name of the place?" causing Marion to bellow, "ANNISTON!" That would have been good enough for me, but the bickering continued. As Brian tried to sound out the name, Marion yelled, "A-N-N-I" and then bopped him on the head with the clue. Well, Brian may be 16 years old but that didn't prevent him from yelling, "Ow, and you just gave me a PAPER CUT!" He hates PAPER CUTS! Amusingly enough, Marion retorted with "No, I didn't," to which Brian replied, "Yes, you did." Faced with this compelling argument, Marion relented, saying "sorry," and rubbing her son's injured neck. See, all's well that ends well with the Paolos.

Anyway, the Bransens arrived at the giant office chair first, and well, this was one of the stupidest landmarks I've seen in quite some time. At least build an oversized stapler or coffee machine. The next clue directed teams to Talladega, AL, home of the International Motor Sports Hall of Fame. The Bransens had one of the larger understatements of the night as they said, "That wouldn't be good for the Florida team." No, it would not. Just about the only thing worse would be if they had to do something crazy like drive a lap around the world famous Talladega Speedway...

Well, as the Weavers headed out to (NotJennifer) Anniston, they passed signs for Talladega, instantly striking fear in their hearts. Linda explained that in the wake of her husband's death, the family has stayed as far away from racing as possible. They don't even look at it on TV. Ah, repression. Always a healthy way to grieve.

Meanwhile, the Bransens arrived at the Hall of Fame and learned they had to... take a lap around the speedway. Oh, this was gonna get tricky for the Weavers. And for a moment, I thought Phil might suffer a Weaver-esque fate as he introduced this next challenge right there on the track. "The biggest motor sport facility--" he said, pausing dramatically while race cars zipped by him, "in the world!"

What Phil then told us was that teams wouldn't be driving a race car. No, they'd be riding a "Party Bike" -- which in case you didn't notice the massive closeup on the web address, is located at PartyBike.com! What's a Party Bike, you ask? Well, a seven person bike, duh! As soon as the teams began piling onto these big, red, circular contraptions, I instantly wanted one. In fact, my thoughts and dreams have been haunted with the idea of riding through Los Angeles in a Party Bike, getting those neck cranes and puzzled looks usually reserved for jackass Segueway people.

Anyway, the Bransens hopped onto their Party Bike and began their two and a half mile trek around the course. "This is probably like a halftime show at these places," said one of the girls. God, I hope not. But then again, I'm sure it was more entertaining than the last Chargers game I went to: halftime was four high schools from Mexico playing sloppy football for ten minutes.

Back at the giant chair, the Gaghans arrived and sent wee Carissa up the ladder to fetch the clue. Do you ever get the feeling that they just don't care about Billy? Everything's all "Look at Carissa run! Look at Carissa climb! Look at Carissa's outfit! Billy, hold Carissa's bag." In stark contrast to the Gaghan perkiness, though, were the Paolos, who arrived at the chair with typical bickering. "Shut up, I'm tired of you guys telling me what to do!" Marion yelled, shoving Brian. Oh man, The Amazing Race and shoves: the love affair continues.

Well, over at Talladega, the Bransens finished their tour de Party Bike first and learned they had to find the Southern Colonel in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. What they didn't know -- as Phil LOVES to say -- was that the Southern Colonel was a trailer park. The Bransens headed out (and let's give a shout out to WalDER for keeping up with everyone this episode), and as they hit the road, the Godlewskis ran out to the speedway, constantly yelling, "Come on! Come on!" -- or as it's pronounced in Godlewski-ese: "Come AN! Come AN!"

As for the Weavers, they finally arrived at the Hall of Fame, causing Linda to shout, "Let's get out of here as quick as we can!!!" Look, the place isn't about to explode. Besides, you're gonna make your kids basketcases anytime they see a car going over thirty miles per hour. Well, the nightmare scenario came true for the Weavers, and as Linda read that they'd have to race a lap, the blonde daughter let out a crushing squeal of "No, mommy we can't!" Say what you will, but I really felt bad for this wounded family, and as the visibly shaken kids walked out on the track, I was actually proud of Linda for putting her own neuroses aside for a second and stepping up to play the role of parent. "Your daddy loved racing. Just let it go. You're above all this," she told her kids. It was very touching. Aaaand now we can go back to making fun of them.

Elsewhere on the track, the Schroeders struggled to get their party going at full speed. Mark insisted that they stop and readjust their seats, causing the family to react with exasperation. "One minute makes the biggest difference, why can't you understand that?" complained Stassi. Meanwhile, the Godlewskis finished up the task and read the next clue. "Find the Southern Colonial in--" started one of the ladies. Thankfully, her sister corrected her, and I couldn't help wondering if the "Colonial" girl was the same one who thought a hangar was an airplane. If it was any consolation, Linda Weaver made the same mistake, except she never realized that "Colonel" is pronounced like "Kernel." Then again, this is the same woman who wasn't sure if Pennsylvania was a state.

Running up to the track next were the Paolos, who were more than excited to hop into a race car. "Man, can you imagine driving a race car?" asked the dad. Aww, he had all the optimistic joy of a child on Christmas Eve. Too bad Phil & Co. had to crush his dreams with the damn Party Bikes. Oh well. The Paolos were the last family to complete the lap, and as they scampered off, lightning flashed and thunder rumbled across the skies. Seriously, it was like the scariest thunderstorm ever on reality TV.

Out on the road, the Bransen and Linz families were having a blast. So much so that one of the Bransen daughters decided to up and moon the Linzes from the car window. I bet this was nothing compared to Phil's wild and crazy youth. Anyway, the two teams arrived at the Southern Colonel and learned they'd be spending the night there. Before they could rest, however, they had to search the trailers for one of three departure times the next morning. Ah, one of my favorite Race devices.

Elsewhere on the road, the Schroeders seemed unable to process the notion that the Southern Colonel might be a trailer park. Even after Mark asked a police officer for help, he brushed off the answer, saying that it just didn't make sense. This drove Stassi nuts as she yelled, "Shut up! Please shut up! Please shut up! Please! You are upsetting me so much!" And from there she just burst into tears and pretty much stayed that way for the rest of the night.

Over at the Southern Colonel, the Gaghans searched for the best possible time, but not before Carissa made her chilling remark of the evening: "I don't like these trailers. They're eeeeevil!" You just know she has an evil ghost twin who haunts those trailers -- popping up in reflections, lurking in shadows, writing scary things on mist-covered bathroom mirrors.

Well, the Schroeders finally arrived at the Southern Colonel, and by the time they found a departure time (the latest one, btw), Stassi was just an emotional wreck. "One minute makes the biggest difference!" she wailed as the Godlewskis tried to calm her down. One minute? How about twenty? Yes, the Paolos arrived last at the trailer park, but they managed to get a twenty minute leg up on several teams by snagging an earlier departure time that had gone unnoticed. This of course made me quite happy as it improved the family's chances of not being stuck at the bottom of the group. I tell you, if those Paolos get eliminated, I'll be a sad man.

The next morning, teams had to find Les at a certain BP station, and good god, we know BP is a sponsor -- RELAX with the promos. I mean, the shilling for Travelocity is bad enough. Next thing you know, they'll be having a challenge where teams have to find Travelocity gnomes hidden in a BP mini-mart, which they'll have to find via a map on AOL.

Well, once teams found this Les guy, they learned they'd have to drive to Louisiana and find Fairview Riverside State Park. So basically, finding Les was literally only a way to plug BP. That's all. There was no challenge associated with the task; no scenic oddity like a giant office chair. Just a big glossy piece of product placement. I guess there's nothing wrong with touting sponsorships. After all, without the sponsors, we probably wouldn't have a race. But at the very least, make the product placements exciting. Running up to Les as he cowers behind a stack of Cheetos is hardly what I call heart-pounding television.

Anyway, everyone headed to Louisiana, and for some reason, we were treated to the arbitrary road map showing the teams's paths. I don't know why the producers show it for some highway trips but not for others. Just another flaw with Family Edition. Meanwhile, in the Schroeder car, in case we couldn't remember, Stassi once again reiterated, "One second makes the biggest difference." SHUT UP. WE KNOW. Technically, since Stassi has repeated herself about two times, we've wasted four seconds on her. Four seconds!!! Don't you realize, Stassi? We don't HAVE four seconds to spare. EVERY SECOND MAKES THE BIGGEST DIFFERENCE!

To be fair, Stassi was stressed because dad had gotten the team lost, despite them being in their home state. Everyone else, however, showed up at the next clue, which was the beloved Detour. This week's tasks were a choice between Work and Play. Teams could either use a handsaw to cut four slices off a big log or win three rounds of blackjack against a dealer. The catch with the blackjack though was that everyone on the table had to beat the dealer in order to win a round. Oh, and just for shits and giggles, the producers made the teams dress in period costumes. Yeah, it was funny and I sort of liked it, but don't think we forgot about all that BP nonsense. TVgasm never forgets.

Anyway, the Linz and Bransen families arrived first and opted for blackjack. Meanwhile, the Paolos showed up and got to work on the logs. The Bransens were on fire with their dealer, but the Linz kids had no such luck and decided to try their hand at the log instead. Amazingly, of this first group, the Paolos finished the fastest, and as they assumed first place, they learned they'd have to drive across Lake Pontchartrain and into New Orleans. There, they'd have to park on Esplanade, run through the French Quarter, and find the Pit Stop in Preservation Hall. Ah yes. The creepy sensation of watching New Orleans pre-massive disaster. Can't think about heavy things. Must divert thoughts into reality television.

Well, our old friends the Weavers arrived at the Detour and opted for the very unchristian gambling challenge. Surely the lord would smite them with a rampaging buggy. But no, their luck turned golden in the Amazing Race casino. First off, the dealer's name was Roy. "His name's Roy!!" squealed the family, pointing at the reliably silent Rolly. Wow! They're both named Roy. Clearly a sign from the Lord! Seriously, it was. The family won their first two hands right out of the gate, causing the winless Gaghans at the next blackjack table to abandon their plans and try their luck at the logs.

Meanwhile, on the open road, The Paolos had a solid lead on the other teams, but the Bransens were nipping at their heels, followed by the Linzes. Behind them were the Godlewskis who were presently having a nonsensical meltdown in the car. Actually, it was just Chrissy Godlewski who suddenly had an overwhelming desire to keep her backpack with her at all times. "I want to get my backpack," she cried. This, of course, was a beautiful thing because not only was Chrissy being silly with the crying, but she chose one of those words that just asks for midwestern butchering ("bayackpayack"). Even better was that we then cut to an interview with Chrissy as she cried about crying. "A lot of times, crying for me is a release. Physically, when I'm tired, and I just have to like get it out and get a good cry in," Chrissy explained. We then cut back to the car where she now cried about being made to cry. And again, it was made all the more glorious with her Illinois accent: "Thanks for making me cry, you guys!"

"Oh, you did it to yourself," replied one of her sisters.

"I do not want to be crying at the mat, okay? Can you let me pull myself together? THANK YOU," Chrissy bawled, gracefully transforming "mat" into "mayat." In other news, I've gone deaf.

Meanwhile, the Schroeders finally arrived at the Detour amidst afternoon showers, and the race suddenly became a showdown between them and the Gaghans. And yes, Carissa looked about ten times scarier with her hair all wet and matted down.

Well, the Schroeders tried their luck with blackjack while the Gaghans slaved away at the logs. Eventually, both teams earned their next clue, and as the Schroeders realized they'd be heading to New Orleans, Char happily announced, "We're going home!" Talk about unintentional foreshadowing.

Over on Lake Pontchartrain, the Weavers marveled at the length of bridge (longest in the world). "It's one of the five Great Lakes," announced Linda. Okay, she's officially an idiot.

In New Orleans, The Paolos arrived in the French Quarter first, but they got lost in the streets, allowing the Bransens to sneak up and claim the top spot once again. They won a nifty travel package from Phil and then shared hugs with the Paolos, who in turn shared their usual bear hug with Phil. Coming in third was the Linz family, and Phil was only too happy to ask, "Is it my understanding that there was a moon out today?" Oh, YOU! Very clever, Phil.

Well, the Godlewskis checked in fourth, followed by the Weavers. Unsurprisingly, it came down to the wire with the Gaghans and Schroeders, but in the end, Stassi was right. Say it all together now: "One minute makes the biggest difference!" The Schroeders were eliminated, causing Char to break out into massive sobs. For the record, they're the second team in a row that was sent packing after professing their hatred for the Weavers. Maybe all that praying is paying off after all. I had to admit I felt for the poor Schroeder family as they huddled in the corner with a group hug, but luckily Phil put on his best PhilConcern™ face, and the Schroeders walked off into the New Orleans afternoon with a new appreciation for each other. Hey, Char said they were going home. She wasn't wrong.

What did you think about this episode? Is there hope for this season?

Posted by at 4:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (81)

For some reason, I'm having a hard time coming up with a clever intro for this week's recap. Maybe it's the fact that I'm totally hungover. Or maybe it's that, for some strange reason, my Tivo decided to record the first few minutes of According To Jim before switching over to The Biggest Loser midway through the opening credits. According to me, my Tivo sucks. Whatever. Soy un perdedor, baby, so why don't you kill me... Or at least read the rest of the recap.

Bob meets with the Blue Team to cheer them up after another loss. Andrea feels a lot of pressure, and, in classic Zen fashion, Bob tells her to find strength in the pressure. He also tells her to pull his finger. Bob's funny that way.

Meanwhile, over at Team Stalin (you know, cuz they're Red), Seth tells us that ever since Mark lost 17 pounds last week, he's been a cardio animal. Mark's been working out an extra five hours a day. A day! I'm lucky to work out five extra hours a year. Hell, who am I kidding. I'm lucky to work out five hours a year, period. Jillian wishes Mark would lighten up a bit, telling us she's worried that if Mark keeps working out this much, he won't eat enough, which will slow down his metabolism and send his body into "Survival or Starvation" mode. I'm pulling for Survival mode, as we haven't seen nearly enough puking this season.

Time for this week's Temptation Challenge. If the contestants eat a piece of chocolate cake, they have a one-in-three shot at winning $2,300. Suzi describes the cake: "It wasn't a normal piece of cake. It was like four slices of cake in one. It was huge." This is especially impressive coming from a girl who drank 48 milkshake shots a few weeks back. Dr. Jeff is thinking about eating the cake. "I looked at the Blue Team, and it didn't look like any of them were going to bite. No pun intended." None taken, my dear doctor. None taken. However, since nobody on either team was biting (pun definitely intended), the producers slipped a note under the door. Pete tells the group it's another limerick, which, of course, it isn't. (I know this because there was no mention of a "man from Nantucket.") The producers make the challenge even easier, telling the contestants they now have a one-in-two shot at winning the prize. All they have to do is eat the damn cake! Mark fingers the icing, but that's as close as we get to any guy-on-cake action. Too bad too, as it turns out the prize also included a stationary bike hooked up to a video screen for a virtual exercise experience. No fair! I just ate a piece of chocolate cake and all I got was gas.

Later, Mark is getting chatty with Jen in the workout room. Of course, Jen isn't supposed to be talking to anyone on the Red Team, as the women look at fraternization as a sign of disloyalty. Meow! Still brimming with confidence from his 17-pound loss, Mark tells Jen he'll beat the Blue Team this week by himself. Will those words come back to bite him in his rapidly-shrinking-but-still-quite-substantial ass? Enquiring minds want to know. Afterward, they made the beast with two backs.

Meanwhile, Jillian is working on Dr. Jeff's ankle. Seems he had reconstructive surgery on it several years back, and he's still afraid to use it. Physician, heal thyself. Or at least shut the f*ck up about your stupid ankle.

Bob tells his team the next challenge is going to be uphill and strenuous. Although not necessarily in that order. To prepare, he tells them to put on their nastiest shoes and meet him outside. Unfortunately, Suzi misunderstands Bob's request, and shows up wearing this. Awkward! Especially since Bob is wearing the same pair. As Bob is also the president of his local Kate Bush fan club, he sends his team running up that hill.

Not to be outdone, Jillian tells her team they're taking "a little hike." Of course, this is the same Jillian who refers to the Trail of Tears as "a walk around the block," so the team knows they're in trouble. "Look, there's buzzards waiting for us," she tells the guys in a misguided attempt at motivation. "And there's a hearse waiting at the bottom for your fat asses." Man, she really needs to work on her people skills. Dr. Jeff says he can make it, as long as Jillian can get him back down with most of his skin still attached. Seth tells us they had to go straight up the hill, but there's no trail when you go straight up. So that's why it's so hard to get into heaven. Everyone makes it to the top, even Dr. Jeff, although Jillian did have to push him. Literally. With both hands. On his butt. When it comes to the last rock, Dr. Jeff says he can't make it because the surgeon who reconstructed his ankle accidently replaced it with a vagina. Jillian gives him a final boost, and the team relaxes on top of the hill. As Matt tells us, "In life, you're always climbing a mountain." Except, you know, when you're heading back down.

Time for this week's Challenge. Caroline meets the teams at Universal Studios. But where are the twins? Suzi says they have no idea what to expect, but they see a lot stairs and escalators. Which go uphill and can be quite strenuous. Maybe that's a hint?

"Tonight's challenge will be different than any other," Caroline tells the contestants. "There will only be one person representing their teams. And the winner will get $5,000 to share with their team." The winner also gets to pick which member of the Red Team has to sit out during the weigh-in. Then Caroline introduces them to the challenge: The Mother of All Stairs. Not to be confused with the Mother of All Escalators, which would make this challenge a lot easier. The first player to race up and down the stairs 10 times wins. Ten times works out to 2,280 stairs. I did that just this morning. No wait, that was 2,280 burps. (Yeah, I'm super-popular at the office.) One final twist: the teams get to pick who on the other team will be taking the challenge. This makes Matt mad, as he really wanted to run the steps, and he's sure the girls won't pick him. He's right, as they pick Mark. The men pick Camryn Manheim. Unfortunately, she's not playing, so they settle on Andrea.

It looks like Mark's 45-hour-a-day workout schedule finally caught up with him, as Andrea totally kicked his ass. In fact, she lapped him with three laps to go. Girls win! Afterward, Caroline gives Andrea a fake hug, the kind you give your really stinky aunt, the one who always smells like sour cream. Speaking of stinky women, one of the best quotes I ever read was when a reporter once asked Robert Smith of The Cure what he thought of Madonna. "She looks like she smells," was his answer. Of course, my all-time favorite rock quote has to be from the late Freddy Mercury, overheard backstage at a concert: "Bring me another boy. This one's spent."

Bob is so excited about the Blue Team's victory he decides to show them how to make a "low calorie dessert to satisfy their sweet tooth." Who talks like that? Oh yeah, Zennie McBuddha. The treat? Chocolate Pudding in a Cloud. Basically, it's Jell-O chocolate pudding (the chocolate pudding) in a cup of whipped cream (the cloud). Taking a big bite, Jen asks "who needs a man when you have Jell-O pudding?" Judging from the look on his face, Bob is obviously thinking the same thing.

What's this? Fatty-Fat-Cam? At 1:12 am, Matt sneaks down to the kitchen and rustles up some extra grub. If he's not sleep-eating, he's got some 'splaining to do.

At the Last Chance Workout, Matt confides he's a little worried. "I always want to feel we're going to win the weigh-in, but we've had two big weeks in a row. To have a third big one, it would really surprise me." Probably not as much as it would surprise his team to discover his late night channeling of Hurley, though.

The girls are wearing matching blue t-shirts that say "I (heart) Bob" on the front. What you don't see is the shirts say "Bob's Big Boy" on the back.

Time for this week's Weigh-In. Since they won the challenge, the Blue Team gets to pick a member of the Red Team to sit out. Mark says if they pick him, the Red Team is going to lose. "But if they don't pick me, we're going to win. Because I am going to put up some mad numbers tonight." He's also going to put his hands in the air and wave 'em like he just don't care.

For some reason, Caroline is wearing a red raincoat for tonight's Weigh-In. Indoors. Isn't that bad luck? And if it's not, shouldn't it be? Before the Weigh-In starts, she reminds everyone it's not total pounds that count, but rather total percentage of weight. As savvy TVgasm readers Shelley and TV Freak pointed out last week, shouldn't immunity also be decided by percentage of weight lost, instead of total pounds? Stupid producers.

Andrea only loses two pounds this week, which isn't good, since she's already on thin ice with the girls anyway. Well, not too thin ice, of course. "In the real world, two pounds is great to lose in a week," she tells us. "But here, it just doesn't make the grade." Considering I just lost two pounds taking a dump from that chocolate cake I ate earlier, I find it hard to feel sorry for her. Although I do feel sorry for my wife, who now has to deal with the odor wafting down the hallway.

Overall, the women lose 13 pounds, for a total of 1.57% of their combined weight. Is that another loss I smell? Nope, just me.

For some reason, the girls decide to make Seth sit out. I guess the producers are trying for some misdirection, as we haven't seen Seth do a damn thing this week. And since Seth loses 10 pounds, while Mark (who've we've been led to believe is a weight-losing machine) only loses four, it looks like the girls might have chosen correctly after all. Mark, of course, is shocked that he only lost four pounds. "I burned 10,000 calories in one day!" he says. "Guess I must have built a lot of muscle this week." Yeah, I'm sure that's it.

Up next is The Biggest Loser's version of Survivor: Pearl Island's Rupert: Matt. Or, as I like to call him, Super-Biggie-Sized Rupert. Amazingly, Matt doesn't lose any weight. Zero. Zip. Nada. He's so upset, he won't even slap hands with his teammates. Instead, he puts on his clothes and walks out. Holy crap! Is Matt quitting? Don't go Matt, I take back the Rupert joke. Matt!

After the break, we see Matt is still standing outside. And it looks like he's peeing. I hope he doesn't offer to slap hands with anyone now. Everyone on both teams feels bad for the guy, which is odd, as nobody felt bad for Jen when she put up a goose-egg a few weeks back. Whatever. Eventually, Matt comes back in, and sure enough, nobody offers to touch his hands. Caroline asks him how he's feeling, and he's so verklempt he can't answer. Thank goodness Mark is there, who uses his SFPD Perp Walk experience to position the Red Team around Matt to protect him from the cameras so he can cry in peace. Unfortunately for Matt, this season the show's producers sprang for a VISA Skycam, and we get to watch him cry from high above. Oh, and from behind too, when the MasterCard "Priceless" Backcam kicked in. I just hope Diners Club doesn't have a Cam. I'd hate to see where they have that thing set up.

Back to the weighing. Dr. Jeff loses 11 pounds, and Pete loses 13. Guys win! Not counting Seth's ten pound loss, the guys end up losing 28 pounds, or 2.29% of their total weight.

Since Suzi is this week's biggest loser (with just five pounds!), she's exempt from elimination. As always, Caroline tells them they have until tomorrow night to decide who's weighing them down. The Blue Team walks out of the gym in slo-mo as the guys give another "Go Red Team" cheer. Later, we find out this really upset Suzi: "Do these guys even have a glimpse of what we're going through right now? They're cheering and yelling and we pretty much have to go to a funeral. Three weeks in a row. Like, simmer down, you know?" And somewhere in a McDonald's Drive-Thru window, Cheri Oteri feels a sharp jab in her side.

Bob is crushed to learn his team lost. Again. He feels a real sense of failure, that somehow he's failed his girls. Which, when you consider he's in charge of their workouts and diet, he has. Andrea says if it were any other week, she'd feel better about the loss. Isn't that pretty much the same thing she said when they lost last week? How quickly they forget. Speaking of which, Bob says he can't remember the last time he's felt this bad. Uhm, last week maybe?

Jillian asks Matt if he wants to talk about his zero. Since she knows he's been working out extra hard with Mark, she asks him about his diet over the past week. Matt admits "a couple of nights, at around 2 or 3 in the morning, I'd wake up, starving hungry, and I'd go make breakfast." This makes Jillian angry mad. If only she'd taught her team how to make the Pudding in a Cloud! Matt promises to do whatever Jillian tells him next week. No more, no less. Hopefully, she'll tell him to wash his hair and stop wearing that stupid ski cap all the time.

Meanwhile, Andrea and Suzi are talking about who to vote off. Of course, Andrea thinks Jen should go, because she's "easing back into her friendship with the other team." That bitch! Oh, and if Jen doesn't get voted off, Andrea will be. Yeah, there is that.

Mark tries to reassure Jen, telling her if the Blue Team eliminates her, they'll lose for sure. Jen is upset, saying "Andrea had this great challenge day, and I haven't had anything like that." Well, other than that time you won all the money in Vegas and Andrea didn't win anything. But still, I totally feel your pain.

At the Elimination Ceremony, Andrea votes for Jen, who makes a face (yes!) before returning the favor and voting for Andrea. Suzi votes for Jen, which means it's all up to Shannon. If she votes for Andrea, it's a tie and the men get to decide who leaves. Again. If she votes for Jen, she sends her friend packing. Shannon talks about how much she loves Jen, then promptly votes her out. Jen tells the team it's okay. "It was your decision as a group," she says. "I felt it all day. Sorry I didn't spend the afternoon with you guys, but I spent it with some people I thought would most appreciate my time." Snap! Turns out Jen is just more comfortable with the men. "I want everyone to know they're (the men) not out to get you," she says. "If you could just give them a chance, they're not that bad." Except for Dr. Jeff, of course, who has a vagina for an ankle. That's pretty bad.

For her final words, Jen tells the women she hopes their decision is a good one. "I hope the weight I would've lost is not more than what you're going to gain." Two snaps! And a bag of chips! Jen bids everyone adieu, and leaves the room as her cooler goes dark.

Once again, Caroline tells the women she doesn't want to see them in the Elimination Ceremony next week. Why does Caroline hate men? Suzi tells her "if it's womanly possible" they're going to win. And if it's manly possible, I'll be here to recap it.

Finally, in our Diet Rite look at Jen, we learn she's lost 72 pounds since first coming to the ranch. And, apparently, both of her bosoms.

Posted by at 11:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (20)

How has the season stacked up so far for Desperate Housewives? Well if the critics are any judge it’s a bit of a letdown. “Edging toward vapidity� is the term being bandied about. Edging? It’s a nighttime soap starring Teri Hatcher, Nicollette Sheridan and half the cast of Melrose Place. People should stop expecting M*A*S*H and realize we are dealing with more of an After M*A*S*H. I mean the parallels between Teri Hatcher and Jamie Farr’s careers are positively eerie.

That being said, will the season pick up? Will we finally jettison the idiotic “who’s in the basement?� story line (Answer = no one cares) and move on to something more, I don’t know, interesting? Well don’t look at me to answer that question. I always thought the show was vapid. But since 80% of my television viewing habits consist of reality shows and the Food Network (Alton Brown is god), who am I to judge?

We open this week’s episode in what can only be described as the most poorly designed prison in history. Gabrielle is walking in to visit Carlos in jail, and the visitor’s entrance for some reason runs right through the prison yard, with only a chain link fence and about a foot of clearance on either side. The kind of prison that would take Andy Dufresne about ten minutes to break out of, but not before he brooded about his life for a few months. This of course is all designed as a plot device so we can see the inmates ogling Gabrielle as she enters each week for her visits with Carlos. And it's quite funny seeing the ABC Sunday television version of horny inmates. It’s so PG it’s almost quaint. You half expect them to scream “You are so darn pretty gosh dangit!� A far cry from the world of Oz with its graphic depictions of gay sex. Man, an HBO Desperate Housewives would have a totally different demographic.

Gabrielle is walking with her lawyer into prison, demanding that he get her conjugal visits. I'm not sure why, other than the writers can't think their way out of a paper bag, but for some reason he refuses this simple request. So they get into a heated argument which results in Gabrielle slapping the lawyer after he insults her. This riles up the lovable non-R-rated inmates (this is probably the prison where they keep all the people arrested for removing mattress tags or illegally downloading the latest Clay Aiken CD). The men that are less than a foot away behind the flimsiest chain link fence imaginable. Seriously, this whole scene is laughable. I think they filmed it outside the ABC commissary with paper mache fences. Of course on Disney-owned ABC land, a riot is seeing the lawyer get playfully poked with the end of a broomstick to the merriment of all. Over at FOX, however, a riot involves stabbing guards to death and attempted gang rapes. And in HBO land, it’s the same as FOX, only minus the "attempted" part, and there’s no women present.

When we see Gabrielle meeting with a new lawyer, named David Bradley, to help her take on the case, the guy turns out to be a cross between Fabio and Max Headroom. Why the other lawyer refused to help with something as simple as a conjugal visit is never really talked about, but whatever. Long story short she ends up hiring him, and she gets her conjugal visit so she can do the boom boom with Carlos. The whole storyline is actually quite dull. Now I see where the term “edging toward vapidity� comes into play. At least Days of Our Lives had a Victor Kiriakis to spice things up. Oh, how this show needs a Victor Kiriakis.

As Lynette comes home after a long day at work producing the hit show Sportsnight, she finds out that Parker, the one son she has left after the twins apparently got written out for asking for more money, has an imaginary British nanny named Mrs. Mulberry. Apparently using Mary Poppins would have cost them a fortune. He even set out a plate of dinner for her. Her husband Tom tells her not to worry about it. But then Lynette wants to know why Mrs. Mulberry’s dinner is bigger than hers. Maybe Mrs. Mulberry is one of those graphically obese people that you see on Springer? You know, the ones that you have to cut the wall down in order to move. And Parker is her enabler.

The next morning, in an attempt to win back favor with her son, Lynette wakes up Parker to tell him that she's going to take him out for donuts. That’s right, donuts. Continuing her streak as greatest mom ever, where last week we had her watching the kid go to kindergarten through a video screen from work, and now she’s waking him up so she can stuff him full of sugar. Maybe during lunch she can sneak him out of school for a quick smoke with mom. Menthol of course. Geez, it's bad enough they named the kid Parker. Once they get in the car to go, Parker says that they forgot Mrs. Mulberry's umbrella. Yeah, sure it's sunny California, but being a British nanny, she needs an umbrella at all times. It’s how they do things over there. Lynette is forced to go back into the house and search for the umbrella. When she rushes back in we see the most startling image of the episode. It’s one of the twins! They're back! Or maybe it’s just a really convincing work of CGI like Jar Jar Binks, Gollum, or Kirsten Dunst. When Lynette returns without the umbrella, Parker has a fit and storms out of the car.

Across the street, we see Mike and Susan kissing. When Mike pulls away he says he can’t keep doing the casual romance thing. Susan says that keeping it casual just means no commitment, and you can’t date anyone else. Teri Hatcher is like that crazy girl you dated in college. You know, the one you’d see walk down your dorm hallway every other day even though she lived nowhere near you.

Once Mike tells her he needs more, and for her to accept Zach, his psychotically crazy son that held her at gunpoint and stalked her daughter, she immediately relents. She is ruled by her cooch, which is surprisingly just as apt to get into all sorts of slapsticky misadventures. I remember one time when they were using this extended use condom but it was on backwards, and then when the doorbell rang and… well never mind. That’s for the soon to be revealed adult version of TVgasm’s site, where we do snark-filled reviews of all the latest porn movies. Sg-dub will be covering gang bangs, B-Side’s tackling girl-on-girl films and me, well, I’m into the freaky German stuff.

Speaking of fans of freakish fetish videos, we then see George outside Bree’s house where they have just finished up a night of being “friends.� Bree kisses George in his forehead, saying that it’s too soon after Rex’s death for anything else, meaning those lips will not go below the equator anytime soon. Andrew, Bree’s snotty kid, comes out and after Bree invites George to dinner Friday, he starts a shoving match with George. Can’t really blame him, it’s a nebbish dorky loser moving in on his mom less than a month after their dad died. And oh yeah, he’s the one who killed him. But we’re the only ones who know that. What isn’t a secret is the kid who plays Andrews' lack of acting skills. That, unfortunately, is something we are all made painfully aware of.

The next day, when doing laundry, Bree blackmails Andrew into showing up at the dinner by threatening not to give him the money for an entrance fee to a school swim meet. So this town's high school has swim meets where the entrance fees are so exorbitantly high most high school students can’t afford them? Does this make any sense at all? Oh man, it's edging again!

Over at Parker's posh private school they’ve brought Lynette in because Parker rammed a teacher with his umbrella because they wouldn’t give Mrs. Mulberry a seat. When the principal asks if there has been a death in the family recently (imaginary friends are usually created to cope with loss), Lynette breaks down in tears. She now realizes that it’s because she has gone back to work. We can now assume Lynette will fix this problem the way she fixes all her problems. By figuring out a way to lie to the people she loves. Looks like Teri Hatcher isn't the only one with an eerie similarity to Jamie Farr.

At the Van De Kamp dinner, George is telling unfunny stories and Andrew seems to be eating it up. We're talking King of Queens and Two and a Half Guys unfunny. Almost, dare I say it, Mind of Mencia unfunny. OK, OK, it’s not that bad. But it's close. Andrew, it turns out, is faking it. Once Bree goes into the kitchen, he starts pushing George’s buttons by asking if he’s a virgin, and then giving an impression of his own mother's moaning sounds during sex. And once again I am reminded how much better this show would be on HBO. Bree then comes back in the room with dessert. And it's her favorite. As she takes a bite she starts making little squealing sounds that Andrew lets George know are the exact sounds she makes while having sex. Now I don’t know about you, but if I made the same sounds I make during sex when I’m eating my favorite food, I’d be banned from every Taco Bell in the tri-state area.

Once Andrew does this, George takes the bait and explodes, ordering him to his room. Since he isn't Andrew’s dad, Bree takes Andrew's side, leaving George further humiliated. And if there's one rule to live by, It's don't put Baby in a corner. Also, George doesn't like it either.

The next day Bree tells George that she can’t see him anymore because she needs to focus on Andrew. When George recommends sending him back to the “behavioral modification camp,� she refuses. The only thing that would make her do that is if he really got out of control. This gets George think