Alrighty, this was good TV! It flowed, it ebbed, it entertained. House is shaping up to be quality television. Not necessarily heart pumping or laffs-a-minute, but they do good work with a small cast and limited scope. It all comes down to the writing, I think, and the actors get some great lines. But there’s a reason I’m not a television writer – I can’t even think of a good name for the special effect they do where they swoosh into the body to show what gross stuff is making the patient sick. I asked for a name for House’s minions and got Outhouses – who wants to name the special effects inside the body?

So there’s a kid’s talent show in progress, and I’m in panic mode because I can’t handle the sick kids stories, especially when I’ve got PMS. Two adorable but kind of bratty girls are getting helped into their dresses by their mom and complaining about homemade outfits and rich kids who make fun of them. The mom says she’ll just key the mean girl’s dad’s car, so now I know that it’s her that’s sick. Because I’m in love with her now. Sure enough, while the girls are performing she starts screaming in agony, and the Medic-Cam goes into her stomach and shows a vessel getting redder and bigger. Thank god we didn’t actually see it pop; I’d have to take to my bed for the next year.

Back at the hospital Cuddy accosts Stacy about some disciplinary hearing that Chase and House have to go to. I have no idea what it’s in reference to, but later we see they’re doing this episode in reverse. We know from the last episode that Stacy wants nothing to do with House ever again, but Cuddy isn’t in the loop on that yet. Stacy explains that they had a fight and that Cuddy needs to find a different lawyer for House. Cuddy’s response is the apt “40 percent of our lawsuits last year were about House. If you can’t work with him you can’t work here.” I find Cuddy most appealing when she’s being vaguely threatening. It makes me uneasy, but in a hot kind of way.

More back and forth between House and Wilson about the ethics of House reading Stacy’s file. It could be boring since they essentially keep having this discussion, but this is why this show is so good: the guys have set up a field goal made out of paper clips and are concentrating just as hard on the game as on the discussion. I think this series will end with Wilson and House walking off into the sunset with each other.

Stacy interrupts playtime to throw some legal documents in House’s face. She makes him sign them and says there’s nothing he has to know about them. In the next scene, she’s carefully and hilariously going over the same documents with Chase. She genuinely wants to help him, but he’s got that rich boy arrogance in full effect, so she basically goes over a script with him that outlines everything he should say to the committee. And here we have this episode’s main conceit.

Foreman initially saw the patient first, in the clinic while her brother paced and said insulting things while Foreman tried to do his job. He noticed that her eye was inflamed, which is a very bad sign indicating potential blindness. However, since inflamed eye plus stomach and leg pain is weird, House was on it. This is, allegedly, a good thing.

There’s a funny sequence where House is discussing her symptoms while struggling to open his bottle of Vicodin. He throws it Chase for him to open, and we hear Stacy in a voiceover interrupt: “Don’t care about the Vicodin.” The bottle disappears with a little pop. This show is at its best when not taking itself too seriously.

Chase tells Stacy that he was sent off to give the patient an oral and pelvic exam. When Stacy questions why Chase was assigned to Foreman’s patient, the story is rewritten to show that Foreman went to see the patient right as Chase opened the bottle and Vicodin went flying everywhere. Do not mess with House’s fun pills. Chase is punished by being sent off to do the pelvic.

In the exam room, Chase asks the woman if she’s in any pain. She’s lying there with both hands covering her face and only nods in response, practically unable to talk. To all the guys out there: this is a completely accurate representation of the pelvic exam experience. In case you were wondering.

Chase reminds her that it’s better if she talks and tries to distract herself with conversation. This is true. Chase learns that they have the same family history: dad left, mom became a drug addict and died. Stacy appears in the room asking how this is relevant. Hee! Back in her office, she tells Chase not to manipulate the panel with this bonding stuff, but that at the same time this same bonding stuff is why he hasn’t been sued by the patient. Hmm, a small hint. We still don’t know exactly what’s going on here. You know what? These scenes with Stacy and Chase were spliced together from many different takes. Her lipstick is a different shade in every shot.

Chase saw that he gave her a skin test without actually scheduling a follow-up visit, but that she showed up the next day and found him in a lobby. He looked at her arm right there and determined from the pustules that she had a very treatable disease, and told her to make an appointment with the specialist. I believe the saying is “can’t see the forest for the trees,” and Chase is falling victim to that right now, because the women looks like shit. Pale, drawn, fatigued-looking.

Stacy traps Chase into admitting that he gave the patient inferior care. Which would seem to be true. Of course, this story is all one big lie, so it doesn’t really matter anyway. In the replay of this scene, the dialog is basically the same but Chase is pretty rude to her. He also writes out a scrip for antacids, without giving much thought to why her stomach was still hurting. “As little mistakes go, that was a biggie,” says Stacy. Oooh, what happened? The suspense is killing me! Well, kinda.

Wilson is nervous that Stacy is helping Chase and not House; he suspects that Stacy is advising Chase to sell out House. He does a hilariously bad imitation of Chase with a weird Scottish-type accent, but shenanigans aside, makes the good point that while Cameron may love House, Chase loves his job most of all. All of a sudden, House seems to realize what a pickle he’s gotten himself into. He looks genuinely upset and surprised at the idea that Stacy might hate him that much. So he pops a few pills.

Chase is telling Stacy that he called the patient (Kayla) when he realized later that she was trying to tell him about more symptoms. Which is confusing because in the flashback she’s being wheeled in by EMTs, bleeding profusely from the nose. Chase quickly cauterizes a tumor but it perforates, so she has to be operated on. Stacy takes a break at this point and hunts down Cameron. Not literally. Although that would be cool. Not a very fair fight though. Stacy is a full-fledged cougar. Cameron is barely a tabby.

Cameron thinks Chase made a mistake, could happen to anybody, etc. Stacy says she’s biased because she slept with Chase. Ooh, that got around quickly! Foreman hasn’t had the pleasure of crazy outback-kangaroo-Crocodile Dundee sex, so he trash talks Chase, telling Stacy that Chase hates all his patients. He does make the interesting point that it’s probably just a front to be more like House.

Stacy finally realizes that she going to have to talk to the man himself. So she interrupts him in the clinic, where they have this confidential discussion in front of a patient. I think House kind of gets off on that. Stacy’s wearing a different lipstick again, I might add.

House retells the story with a different ending. After Kayla was taken to the OR, House bitched Chase out for not asking her is she had diarrhea, which is pretty standard doctorin’ question. House then turns directly to the camera and says that he made some comments he doesn’t want to repeat. I’m such a nerd that I actually got excited when I thought House was talking to me.

After Kayla’s surgery, Cameron and Chase tell her brother that she’s going to need a liver transplant. He offers to do it, and mentions the black market, which sets Cameron off on a righteous rant (at least one per episode!), which is thankfully stopped by Kayla yelling in pain. That sounded mean. Anyway, she has a clot, which means more surgery. In Cuddy’s office, Chase is arguing for giving Kayla a transplant, but Cuddy refuses because Kayla’s too sick. Ironic, no?

I can’t concentrate. Cuddy is smokin’ hot in that outfit. Just when I’m getting over it, they treat us to this insane shot of Cuddy’s cleavage. In case you didn’t know, Cuddy is a fox! I repeat, CUDDY IS A FOX! Jeez, we get it.

Somehow House convinces Cuddy to put Kayla at the top of this list. I don’t know how, I was distracted by all the boobies. Unfortunately, she’s a very rare blood type. Her brother’s on top of things, though. He bribed someone to test him quickly, so already has all the paperwork that says he’s a good match. Then House gets a doctor to to perform the transplant by kissing his ass. That’s what Chase believes, but it’s not actually what happened. First House offered the surgeon money, which didn’t really work because the doctor makes $600,000 a year. So House says he’ll tell the surgeon’s wife about how much he cheats on her. There, that’ll do it!

Of course House told the wife anyway, because he has no self control. This leads to more fighting about how House violated Stacy’s trust. He should just hook it up with Cuddy and get over it already.

The transplant surgery went fine, and for two months Kayla was fine too. When she came back for a checkup, though, she had a fever, which is something her medications should have blocked. In the conference room, Chase keeps insisting it’s only strep, even though the others doctors believe she’s rejecting the liver. Chase is so desperate for that not to be true. He’s panic here is really believable. After all his fuck ups, he wants this to end well.

Kayla’s brother comes in, pissed that House hasn’t seen Kayla yet. He’s worried that she has hepatitis, and mentions some treatment plans. That is pretty specific knowledge for a layperson. House checks out the guy’s tattoos and figures out that he has hepatitis, and paid off the tester not just for speed, but to say that he was disease-free. Man, he feels bad now, but even worse when House tells him he probably caused cancer in his sister.

As Chase explains this to Stacy, she can’t hide how impressed she is with House’s intuition and intelligence. It’s also good for the case that the brother lied, which means they aren’t culpable. Just then they get a page from Cuddy. The family has decided to sue the hospital and Chase personally for punitive damages, to the tune of $10 million. Now that we’re up to speed, we know that the brother is fine (besides the pre-existing hepatitis) but Kayla has cancer. The ladies are surprised that Chase is being sued, and Stacy asks what he’s still hiding. Eh, he probably slept with Kayla.

Well, it turns out it’s not that sexy. Kayla’s brother found a black market donor in Mexico and they were about to go, but Chase convinced them not to. I mean, it is a really bad idea. Kayla’s brother really wants to go, but of course that’s because he thinks he killed his sister. She argues that he actually gave her more time, plus she got to save his life since his cancer was discovered through her.

Kayla died a week later, and her brother took the kids. On a follow-up appointment with Chase, he mentions that they’re going to have to move to a cheaper place since he’s on disability. It looked to me like he was maybe trying to shake down Chase for money, but Chase’s response is really weird. He tells the guy that he was hungover the day he misdiagnosed Kayla, and didn’t give a shit about her because he just wanted to go home. Naturally, her brother gets just a bit pissed at this. The thing is, Chase is obviously (to us) lying, and purposefully trying to get sued. But they’ve given us many indications that Chase is very wealthy. If he felt that bad, why wouldn’t he just give the guy some money? Very odd.

There is some truth to Chase’s confession, however. He was distracted when Kayla came in. He had just been told that his father had just died. House knew that Chase’s father was sick, even though Chase didn’t, and figured out that his father’s death was the cause of his distraction.

Somewhat abruptly, Stacy is telling House that she still has feelings for him. I guess they had to work that in somehow, since she’s only a guest star. I think the writers are working up to the moment when she realizes she has to leave because she’s still completely in love with House.

Unsurprisingly, Chase is exonerated of everything, and just has to serve a week’s suspension and have a note put in his file. Not too bad, really. On the other hand, House will have to be supervised for a month by another doctor. This doesn’t seem so bad, until you think about how humiliating that would be for a doctor like House, who’s supposed to be the very top of his field.

I thought the supervisor would be Cuddy, which could lead to all sorts of sexy situations. But no, looks like Foreman is House’s new boss. I’m actually not sure how this is possible, since I thought the Outhouses were “just” residents and didn’t have that sort of seniority. But should set up some interesting plotlines. Next week: Cynthia Nixon guest stars!

Posted by Kat at 2:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (17)

The big Real World: Austin reunion show aired last night, but sadly, even my Tivo can't stand this season anymore and refused to record it. So while I wait for the re-airing tomorrow morning, I figured I'd examine the awe-inspiring modeling portfolio of Danny (courtesy of TVgasm reader Jesse). Looking at these photos, I was struck not by how silly they were (Danny seems unable to keep his elbow from rising up like a mighty Phoenix), but by how naive we were when we referred to him as an Abercrombie model all season long. This guy'll be lucky to make the Pennysaver...

Posted by at 1:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (127)

Back on July 27, I did my very first RAW recap for TVgasm. And like tonight's RAW, it took place at the Gund Arena in beautiful Cleveland, Ohio. As I said back then, RAW in the Gund is like a televised homecoming for me, as I grew up just down I-71 a bit, in not-so-beautiful Columbus. Of course, a lot has changed since that fateful night. For one, Gund Arena is no longer Gund Arena. Now it's the Q (short for Quicken Loans Arena). For another, I've lost 10 pounds. Unfortunately, some things haven't changed a bit. John Cena still sucks. Nobody respects the mullet. And overall I'm still a fatty-fat-fat-fat.

Tonight's show opens with Eric Bischoff standing in the middle of the ring. He looks a tad upset. Coach says Eric's been that way all day. Why is he being such a Gloomy Gus? Is it because Team RAW lost last night at Survivor Series? Because he lost last night at Survivor Series? Or because he's missing the Indianapolis/Pittsburgh game on Monday Night Football? You make the call.

Bischy says he wants every contracted wrestler to join him in the ring. Right. This. Second. He wants to give them all a piece of his mind. Hopefully, not too big a piece, of course, because his family already has one "special" member in the very special Eugene.

Last night at Survivor Series, the RAW roster let Eric down. And that is unacceptable. "Failures will not be tolerated," he says, as he waits for the wrestlers to make their way down to the ring. When nobody shows, he demands to know if there's some kind of audio problem. Coach, of course, can't understand why the wrestlers aren't lining up in the middle of the ring to fellate the Bisch. "Why would anyone want to make him any madder?" he asks. Because nothing makes Eric madder than not being fellated on basic cable.

It's pretty obvious that none of the wrestlers are coming down to the ring. Easy E's down with that, and says he's heading backstage. And he's going to fire the first person he sees. What do you think the chances of that happening are? If you guessed "No Chance In Hell," give yourself a kewpie doll. Because before Eric can get out of the ring, Mr. McMahon's music hits. Uh-oh, Eric's in trouble now. Vinnie McStrutsalot makes his way down to the ring and asks Eric if he's going to fire him. I'm guessing no.

VKM tells Eric he let him down last night. "You had three goals," Mr. McMahon says. "And none of them were met." In Vin's eyes, that makes Eric a failure. After all, perception is reality. Problem is, if the fans perceive Bisch to be a failure, they'll perceive RAW to be a failure. And if they perceive RAW to be a failure, they'll perceive Mr. McMahon to be a failure. And of course, if there's one thing Vincent K. McMahon most definitely is not, it's a failure. Well, unless you count the XFL, of course.

Vince gives Eric an ultimatum: set a goal tonight, and achieve it. If he doesn't, Vince will start looking for a new general manager. Bischoff starts begging for his job, but once Shane O'Mac's music hits, you know it's going to be a long night for Eric. Shane dances his way down to the ring, almost falls doing the Shane O'Mac Shuffle and then hugs the old man. "I never liked you, Eric," Shane tells Bischoff. "And I'm looking forward to seeing you go. Because I was born for this job." Other things Shane was born for: chin implants.

Mr. McMahon dismisses Eric while he and Shane boogie down in the middle of the ring. Or at least as much as two steroid-using blue-bloods are capable of boogieing down.

After the break, HBK hits the ring. I hit the bottle. And the dreaded "Technical Difficulties" hit RAW. Once those are cleared up, we get footage from an exclusive online interview with Carlito, where he tells Todd Grisham that if he'd been Captain of Team RAW (Carlito, not Todd, which would be like putting Ghandi in charge of the Green Berets), "not only would it have been cooler, but we'd have won."

(1) Shawn Michaels vs Carlito As soon as the match started, Carlito slapped HBK then spit an apple in his face. I like where this is headed. Both wrestlers trade chops before we're interrupted – again – by Technical Difficulties. When we get the picture back, Carlito is trying to pin Michaels. Of course, he couldn't do it. At one point, HBK attempts his patented jump up from a prone position move, only to throw his knee out. Joey Styles says if HBK goes down, "he's going down fighting." As opposed to Coach, who by the sounds of it would go down wearing nothing but a smile. Eventually, HBK delivers some Sweet Chin Music for the win.

Winner: Shawn Michaels via Pinfall.

Backstage, Bischoff is pacing in the Leather Couch Room when Kurt Angle and his personal terrorist referee, Daivari, interrupt. And boy, is Kurt pissed. Last night was the biggest screw job in WWE history, he tells Eric. (Obviously, Kurt is forgetting about JR's firing.) Kurt wants vengeance. Daivari wants vengeance. I want an oxycontin. Unfortunately, none of us will be happy by the end of the night.

Next we're treated to some pictures from last night's "Last Man Standing" match between Triple H and Ric Flair. You know it was super-bloody because most of the pictures are in black and white. HHH eventually won after taking Flair out with his sledgehammer. The announcers tell us the lesson from last night is that the sledgehammer is too much for any human being to withstand. I don't know, Sledge Hammer doesn't look all that tough to me.

Again we're with Bischoff in the Leather Couch Room. Maria comes in and asks if he thinks he'll be fired tonight. Eric can't believe she asked such a stupid question. When he finds out Shane McMahon put her up to it, he goes nuts and tells Maria she's going to wrestle Kurt Angle tonight. Why? Because he never wants to hear her ask another stupid question again. That and he likes seeing women get beat up by ex-Olympic athletes.

While Maria waits in the ring for Kurt to beat her ass, Daivari comes out and starts berating her. Chad Patton, the ref assigned to the match, tells Daivari to leave. At least that's what I think he said, as neither of the refs have a microphone. What follows can best be described as a Mime-Off between the two refs to see who'll get to call the match. Eventually, Chad punches Daivari, who acts like he's giving up and leaving. Of course, Daivari attacks him as soon as he turns his back, and eventually slaps him in the Camel Clutch. Way to make a positive Middle Eastern role model, WWE.

(2) Kurt Angle vs Maria As Kurt makes his way to the ring, the "You Suck" chants are bleeped out. Stupid. Kurt tells Maria he's a gentleman and won't wrestle a woman. All he wants is a hug. They embrace in the middle of the ring, when Kurt gets an evil look in his eyes and gives Maria an Angle Slam. This, of course, brings Young EmCena down to the ring to defend young Maria's honor, followed closely by Chris Masters to defend Angle's. Masters puts Cena in the MasterLock and Angle and Daivari start beating on Cena. Suddenly, Bischoff comes out on the ramp and orders them to stop. He says he's decided on a goal tonight, and that is to see John Cena tap out. So later it'll be John Cena defending his title against Kurt Angle and Chris Masters in a No-DQ, No Count-Out, No-Elimination, Triple Threat Submission Match.

And so, after one hour of RAW, we've seen exactly one real match.

(3) Trish Stratus, Mickie James and Ashley vs Candice Michelle, Victoria, Torrie Wilson and Torrie's dog Who'd have thought it would be possible to make gratuitous T&A boring? Mickie James, Trish's stalker, pins Vics with Trish's move, the Stratusfaction. Then she picks up Trish's belt and does Trish's pose. Coach says he can tell Trish is not happy. "I know women's reactions," he tells King, "and that isn't happy." Of course, Coach doesn't tell King he how knows what an unhappy woman looks like, but I think we can figure it out.

Winner: Team Stalker.

After the commercial, Bischoff is on the phone (again!) when he's interrupted by Shane, who wants to know if Bischoff thinks he'll meet his goal tonight. He also wants to know if it made Bisch feel like a man to put Maria in a match against Kurt Angle. Eric doesn't answer directly, instead telling Shane he's just a "card-carrying member of the Lucky Sperm club." Coach asks how he can join. Shane didn't like that, though, and slams Eric against the wall, yelling: "Don't you ever disrespect me, my sperm, my family's sperm or my family's business ever again! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch my Dad pull something out of JR's ass."

Daivari is putting the moves on Kurt in the locker room as they discuss strategy for tonight's match. (Since when did Daivari learn to speak English?) As soon as he locks in the Ankle Lock, Kurt tells him, Daivari should ring the bell. Chris Masters comes in during the middle of their strategy session and is not very happy with the plan. "When Daivari screws Cena, Daivari screws me," he tells them. Coach asks if he can join in. Because of that, young Mr. Masterpiece just went to the top of the ladder and asked Mr. McMahon for his own special referee for his first Championship match. So pop a squat, Daivari. Looks like you'll have time to plan that jihad after all.

(4) Shelton Benjamin vs Trevor Murdoch Poor Shelton Benjamin. No sooner does his feud with the racist Kirwin White end than he's stuck fighting the Deliverance Rapist. What's a brother have to do to get some respect in the WWE? Evidently, he has to job to a buttmunch like Murdoch, who grabs Benjamin's trunks for a little extra leverage in picking up the victory. Wait, that didn't get Shelton any respect at all. The best part of this match is King's commentary: "Trevor Murdoch is the product of a conjugal visit. And he looks like his neck threw-up." Classic King.

Winner: Trevor Murdoch via Pinfall

Triple H is shown walking to the ring as we go to commercial.

Back from commercial, HHH is still walking to the ring. Boy, is he slow. When he finally gets there, he starts talking about what a humanitarian he is. After he destroyed Ric Flair last night, he made sure Ric was sent to the finest hospital in Detroit. It just happened to be located in Cleveland. He even got Flair a plasma TV in his room so he could watch RAW tonight. Then he blathers on for a while about how Flair should just stay down and accept his fate and… I'm sorry, I dozed off there for a minute. Is Triple H still talking? Of course he is. Thank goodness the Big Show's music kicks in. Show gets in Hunter's face and called him a piece of doodoo. He'd be happy to take on HHH in a fight right now. He doesn’t need a sledgehammer. He can beat Triple H with his own bare hands. Suddenly, Triple H is speechless. Primarily because Big Show knocked his microphone away, but still, it's a start. The Game makes a hasty retreat backstage to the waiting bosom of Stephanie McSilicone.

When we get back from commercial, the next match is already going.

(5) Big Show and Kane vs Snitsky and Tyson Tomko in a Tag Team Title Match Not much to say about this one. Other than I hope the part we didn't get to see was better than the part we did. But I doubt it.

Winner: Big Show and Kane via Pinfall.

After one final commercial break, it's time for tonight's main event: Eric Bischoff's all-important Goal Match. If Cena wins, Bischoff loses his job. We know it's an important match, because Coach actually talks through Chris Masters' intro instead of pounding one off.

(6) John Cena vs Kurt Angle vs Chris Masters in a No-DQ, No Count-Out, No-Elimination, Triple Threat Submission Match Right off the bat Masters and Angle team up on the champ. Their newfound solidarity doesn't last long, though, as Angle takes out Masters the first chance he gets. Angle puts Cena in the Ankle Lock, which Masters breaks up. He then puts Angle in the MasterLock. Before Angle can submit, Cena breaks up the hold, only to be put in the MasterLock himself. At this, the fans start up with a hearty "Cena Sucks!" chant. Yes, yes he does.

While Cena looks like he's out of it, he still doesn't submit. Just to be sure, Angle breaks up the hold by attacking Masters and trying to get the Ankle Lock. (Masters has the MasterLock, Angle has the Ankle Lock, Cena just has a lock on sucking.) Cena breaks that up, and Angle goes outside the ring for a chair. Cena kicks the chair back into Angle's face, then smacks it across Masters' knee. A couple more chair shots and Cena locks Masters in the STF, making him tap out.

Winner: John Cena via Submission.

The announce team can't believe Cena actually knew a submission hold. The McMahons, meanwhile, are back in the Leather Couch Room watching a monitor. "Next week it's time to take out the trash," says father to son. "And by the way, thanks for defending my sperm."

So what do you think? Will Eric Bischoff actually be fired next week? If so, will Coach lose his job too?

Posted by at 1:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

• There may be a large legal battle brewing over Jessica Simpson's assets (and I mean the monetary kind, not her substantial holdings in bust equity). As reported in early 2004, Jessica refused to sign a prenup, stating that if their marriage were ever to go bad, Nick Lachey "would deserve half of everything I have." Oops. [ANI]
• In contrast to the divorce craze sweeping straight celebrity couples, gay celebrity couples are going bonkers with marriage. First Elton John and Mr. John last week, now George Michael and Mr. Michael this week. Next up, unlikely lovebirds Richard Simmons and Pope Benedict XVI. [E! online, AP]
• Someone has stolen Gregory Peck's star from the Hollywood Walk of Fame. My money is on kleptomaniacs Carol Channing and Olivia de Havilland. [LA Times]
• Never one to turn down a branding opportunity, Donald Trump is coming out with an eponymous "super premium vodka" because inebriation is a FIVE HUNDRED BILLION ROUBLE INDUSTRY, COMRADE. The product will be sold in "convenience packs" with Trump brand Children's Chewable Quaaludes. [Gawker]

Posted by at 9:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

• Laguna Beach starlet Kristin Cavallari will be co-anchoring a new reality series on UPN titled Get This Party Started. She'll be joined by Ethan Erickson, whose previous claim to fame was floating away in a balloon on a Claritin commercial. On the show, a production team will throw the ultimate bash for some deserving soul. And then that soul will make out with Jason and get into a fight with Jessica. Like OMG! That's so standard! [The Daily News]


• Donald Trump is moving The Apprentice to Los Angeles. Some have suggested the change of scenery is a way to distance Trump from Martha's turkey of a season. But we all know it's just a clever way to get Carolyn all sunburned. Grrrrowl! [E! Online]


• Paris and Nicole will be back for another season of The Simple Life, this time on E!. Things we can look forward to on the season: cocaine-fueled cat fights? [E! Online via Yahoo]


• Simon Cowell has settled his beef with producer Simon Fuller and will indeed be returning for another season of American Idol. In other news, sales for Hanes's Black Manboob Fitted T jumped a whopping 83%.

Posted by at 4:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

So this House recap is crazy late, mea culpa, etc etc. Moving along. The episode was a weird mix of hot sexy sex and warning about how horribly wrong it can go if you don’t use a rubber. Wilson was looking good, House was rocking the leather jacket, Cameron and Chase got funky, but the patient du jour had HIV. Huh. That brings things down.

We open up on House’s confession to Wilson that he broke into Stacy’s file. Wilson is outraged – outraged! – until House gets to the part where Stacy says she and Mark don’t have sex anymore. Wilson is all about the prurient interests. I like the little hints we’re getting that tell us that Wilson is a big ho.

In a nice change of pace, this scene is set at House’s…abode, and a friend of mine pointed out that the number is 221B, which was Sherlock Holmes’ address. Neat! The BFF carry the conversation outside, where Wilson sarcastically suggests that House show Stacy’s file to Cuddy to prove how unstable Stacy is. House is busy looking for his newspaper, but a young guy waiting outside already has it. House introduces him to Wilson as his stalker, and apparently he’s been bugging House to treat him, but House isn’t interested because the guy just has regular old AIDS. House rattles off some symptoms, including rapid weight loss, as seen by his shirt “gaping at the collar.” Which is weird, because the guy’s shirt is in no way gaping. Anyway.

This guy claims that although he has HIV, his immune system is fully functioning. Despite all the ways in which his body is breaking down, his tests come back fine, so no one can treat him effectively. He thinks House won’t treat him because House is a closet case. Wilson gets all uppity and clarifies that they’re not a couple, to which House snarks, “So self-loathing.”

The guy grab onto House’s cane and won’t let go, leading to a tug-of-war that ends when House lets go and the guy crashes back against a parked car, causing him to go into anaphylactic shock. I think it’s worth noting that it’s Wilson who rushes to help the guy, while House just says, “I didn’t touch him.”

At the hospital, Cuddy is relentlessly insisting that House go see Stacy to make sure he’s not about to get his ass sued. Which would normally be fine advice, but in this case Stacy is actually still at home. And Mark isn’t. And House tries to get laid. At first it just seems as though he’s doing his usual flirty banter business, talking about Stacy “climbing up Mt. Gregory,” that sort of thing. But then he goes over to the sink to help with the dishes, even though they both know he hates doing dishes. He looks at Stacy all meaningfully and says “people can change.” Ew, vomit! Where is naughty snarky House? I don’t want any deep longing from him.

Mark comes home then, causing House to leap ten feet in the air. I think he was surprised, but tried to play it off. “I know it looks like we’re cleaning dishes, but actually we’re having sex.” You know, I just don’t buy that he could say that to a woman’s husband. It’s funny, but I just don’t buy it.

OK, the patient’s name is Calvin Ryan. House wants all the tests redone, since they can probably be done more accurately at this hospital. As the Outhouses fill him in more on Calvin’s case history, House finally gets interested. He thinks that maybe Calvin’s newer, stronger drugs are kicking his immune system into action, which is causing it to attack any infections (or remnants of one) in his body too strongly.

House is still way more interested in Stacy’s “case,” though. He’s down in the pharmacy mixing up some rat poison so he can be a hero and kill the rat in her attic. Wilson is there to berate him some more, telling House to either admit he wants her back or “shut up and cry yourself to sleep like everybody else.” Oh, Wilson! Come here you little snugglebuns! (Where is this attraction I unexpectedly have for Wilson coming from?)

While House is coming up with sneaky ways to hook it up with Stacy, Calvin is coming on to Chase like there’s no tomorrow. Well, I guess if you’re that sick… Calvin’s a photographer, a career choice he claims to have made strictly in order to sleep with hot models. He also, somehow, can read Cameron like a book, getting on her case for not having fun at work, or ever, which is something Chase confirms. Cameron’s so pathetic when she pretends that her life is fulfilling.

Over in Stacy’s attic, House is talking about how angry Mark is. I guess it is a nice parallel, if a little obvious, to have Stacy’s husband also be handicapped. House can say that Mark is angry at Stacy because he was once angry at Stacy and resentful that she could still walk. I think he’s playing a little fast and loose with the stuff he got from her file, though. Wonder if he’ll get caught?

The Outhouses call to give House an update on Calvin, but he hangs up when the rat appears. Luckily the Outhouses are a little more dedicated to their actual human patients, and Cameron is soon back in Calvin’s room. Lecturing, or course, but the important thing is that she’s there. Too bad he rewards her by coughing blood and spattering it all over her face. She’s freaked out, naturally, and although Calvin had acted like a shallow little shit before, he looks genuinely stricken by what’s just happened.

Now, from all the sex ed I took at my super-liberal middle school, I thought it was dang near impossible to get HIV without actual sex, or, I guess, a blood transfusion. But I guess all the ladies from Planned Parenthood were wrong, because the hospital has already set Cameron on a course of preventive drugs. Calvin’s blood did get in her eye and mouth, but it was a surprise to me that they had to be this cautious. Having said that, Cameron looks completely drained and terrified and for the first time, I actually feel for her.

House totally doesn’t give a shit about Cameron. Or so he would like us to believe. I can’t tell. When she comes into the room, she’s extremely brisk and businesslike, which doesn’t do much to cover up how upset she is. She’s sent, with Chase, to find all of Calvin’s drugs and test them for any additives. House is way more concerned with the rat he found in Stacy’s house, which seems to have some sort of illness. He asks Foreman for a second opinion while the other doctors do real work.

At Calvin’s place, Chase tells Cameron they should go out for a drink to get her mind off of things. As skeezy as Chase is, I think he’s just being a friend here. But Cameron, looking at the mountains of medicine bottles Calvin has, doesn’t think a drink is really going to help at this point. She talks about how the hospital will pay her medical bills now, but if she does get HIV, they’ll try to prove she got it elsewhere by doing drugs or sleeping around. Chase dismisses the very idea, saying that’s it’s not like they’d find anything exciting about Cameron’s personal life. She is very bummed out by that, but knows it’s true.

Chase finds some evidence of poisoning, so they head back to the hospital, where House tells Cameron that she has to do the test on Calvin, since she’s already at risk for HIV anyway. Jeez, that was not funny! House is not being cool. She then…she…oh god, I can’t even watch this. Zoom-shot into Calvin’s back as she sticks a little metal rod into him and uses it to grab a piece of his lung and pull out through the incision. OK, I have to lie down now.

It’s halfway through the show, and so: Calvin starts to crash and tells them to tell his dad he’s sorry, and in a different scene Stacy looks like she’s ready to sleep with House, but Mark calls right before they jump on each other.

House and Cameron have this tortured discussion about not having any regrets, and Calvin continues where House left off, saying that while he hopes that Cameron didn’t get HIV, it really loosened him up and might do the same for her.

Ugh, the subtext is killing me. House and Stacy are discussing the rat and how she secretly likes it. OK WE GET IT. House tested its urine and found traces of the chemicals that are in cigarettes, which means someone in the house is smoking. House knows it’s Stacy because she smoked when he was sick, too. Then they almost make out, closer this time, clooooser, but the rat runs into the trap and breaks them out of lusty mode.

And Cameron’s here to pick up the slack! Yowza! Chase goes over to her place to pick her up for an evening out, but turns out Cameron’s all ready for an evening in. She’s got crack whore eyeliner going on and her hair’s all crazy and she admits that she’s high. He tries to resist when she jumps on him, but really, guys are pretty weak in the face of hot undersexed girls looking to get laid. So they do it. I’m feel fairly confident that she made the right choice in picking Chase; Foreman probably would have been able to think with the brain in this situation.

Cameron shows up at work the next day looking seriously strung out, but immediately has to deal with Calvin and his dad screaming at each other. His dad claims that Calvin killed his mother. We cut to a commercial right after this pronouncement, but when we come back we learned it wasn’t quite that simple. She had kidney failure and although Calvin was a match, he was also HIV positive and couldn’t donate an organ, and she died. That is a little different from him killing her, I must say. Cameron is delivering this news to the other doctors very aggressively, and pacing a lot too. Foreman thinks Calvin did kill his mom, since getting HIV through unprotected sex shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. Cameron asks him if he always uses condoms, then she asks House the same question. She doesn’t ask Chase. Did they not use a condom? On the day she maybe contracted HIV? Preposterous!

House figures out pretty quickly that Chase and Cameron bumped uglies. The best part is the look on Foreman’s face when he figures it out. Pure childlike glee. There’s less glee over in Calvin’s room, where Wilson is telling him that he has cancer. They’ll have to do surgery to see if it’s terminal.

After a brief interlude wherein Chase tells Cameron that the sex was hot but can’t happen again, House decides that Calvin doesn’t have cancer, but rather parasites he picked up from hunting as a kid. He thinks the dad has them too. However, Poppy McHickson won’t take a blood test to find out. House totally baits both men by calling the dead mom a fatty and a whore, which makes the dad punch House. House is now within his rights to retaliate, and smacks dad in the gut with his cane, causing him to go into the same kind of shock that Calvin experienced earlier. The surgery is gross. That’s all I can say.

House has to go to Stacy’s office since he has hit another patient, again. This time, he goes too far. She puts ice on his face where he was punched, and House talks about how he can tell that she doesn’t have sex anymore. She laughs it off until she realizes that the only person who could know that is her therapist. Who works in the hospital. Ooh, she is pissed. House tries to say that she knew all along but didn’t care because she still wants him. “I don’t anymore,” is her reply. Oh, burn! That is amazing. She straight up told House that he just lost her forever right there. Bummer.

Ah, the closing montage of sadness. It’s a personal favorite of mine. Calvin apologizes to his dad. Stacy cuddles up to Mark, something that seems to surprise him. Chase looks in the mirror and sees a sore on his lip. Yikes. Now, obviously even if he did get HIV he wouldn’t have symptoms yet, but as a total hypochondriac I can sympathize. Cameron marks the days until her HIV test, and House sits alone, with only his new pet rat for company.

So! Whadya think? Was the sex titillating? On a scale of one to ten, how hot is House in that leather jacket? Why do all the actresses on this show pluck their eyebrows so much? Let’s talk about the important stuff.

Posted by Kat at 2:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

As promised, I used up pretty much every spare moment I had over this weekend taking in the complete first season of Veronica Mars. After watching the first DVD (first four episodes of the season), I have to admit that I wasn't that crazy about how things started, or at least I wasn't nearly as into it as I was the second season. Some of that may be because I already knew what happened, but by the time I had finished the third DVD, I was hooked and couldn't get enough. Even though I knew what was coming towards the end (spoiler alert: Aaron Echolls killed Lily), the final episode was very exciting. But why am I telling you guys (and girls) everything you already know? As we continue along this season with the yellow school bus that turned into a yellow submarine, we also must deal with Logan's trial looming, and the possibility that the two of them may be connected.

Veronica Mars may be the smartest soap opera ever created. Now before you all post on your Veronica Mars message boards and tell everybody there I suck and how dare I say such a thing, please at least finish this paragraph. Of course the show is much more than a soap opera, and I only compare it to one because of the way it has been able to handle the often conflicting love interests of so many of the main characters, work them in as determining factors in the story lines, build romances and breakups that break our hearts, yet still not have to depend on the status of any two individuals on the show being "together" to keep the fans happy. Bravo, writers, bravo.

Even though Lilly Kane was deceased, her interest in boys trumped all other discussions of love interests. That is not to say that what happened to the others wasn't important, but since Veronica's existence was often defined by the aftermath of Lilly's death, and by extension the aftermath of Lilly's promiscuity (although we obviously have to lay the blame on Aaron Echolls for most of it), I just don't think it's that big of a discussion. With Lilly at peace, Veronica takes center stage, and it's her relationship with Duncan that is causing lots of problems. Although Duncan had Meg and Veronica had Logan, I don't think you can blame Duncan and Veronica for getting back together. Their entire breakup was based largely on the fact that Duncan thought Veronica was his sister. When the paternity tests came back saying otherwise, how could people not understand why they wouldn't want to try again? It's like when your favorite sports team gets rid of the veteran because he badmouthed you, but you know you were always made for each other and they keep coming back. It hurts to see them with somebody else, that's why everybody hated Jerry Reinsdorf until about a month ago.

Despite all of this, there are still lingering feelings of guilt over the whole thing, especially concerning Meg, the sole survivor of the bus crash and the girl who seemed a perfect fit for Duncan as Veronica fell for bad boy Logan. Ironically, it was Meg's jealousy over the entire thing that kept Veronica from possibly falling to her death along with the other kids, but that doesn't mean Duncan and Veronica don't feel guilty about the whole thing. Duncan spent many days visiting Meg before Veronica ever found out, and now he is having dreams about Meg and Veronica. In the opening sequence, it is Meg the angel vs. Veronica the bad girl, and only Duncan can save Meg. From what, we don't know, but she says only Duncan can do it. This leads Duncan to go to his room, where he is debating whether or not to open a letter addressed to Meg from Chris Talley of Seattle. Does he knowingly open a letter intended for somebody else (even though Meg's sister gave him a bunch of her personal things), or does he open it and try to heal this subconscious wound? Duncan opts for the non mail fraud, Susanne Sommers method of healing and just leaves it alone.

As much fun as all that sounds, and despite devoting 500 words to it, Duncan's dream was not really the main focus of the episode. But with all my newfound Mars knowledge, I'll have to pontificate every now and then. No, the real issue with this episode was another part of the bus crash. The parents of one of the victims, Marcos Oliveres, were being harassed by somebody, and not in the funny, leaving bags of flaming dog shit on the porch type of harassment. This was real torturous stuff like leaving small toy buses around their house as well as leaving fake messages on their answering machine. While the Oliveres family isn't sure who is doing it, they happen to be the only family of bus crash victims who are suing the school district instead of taking a settlement. They believe the school district is harassing them and wants Keith Mars to get the proof.

While her father was busy with that case, Veronica was busy helping Logan. He had asked her to investigate the man who said he witnessed what happened on the bridge when Logan was found beaten and Felix was found dead. Veronica discovered that the doctor had once been reprimanded for performing an illegal procedure on somebody, and although we can't quite be sure if the investigation into this illicit tummy tuck or rogue face-lift would lead anywhere, Veronica and Logan decide to find out.

When Veronica and Logan get to the home of one Danny Boyd, they are kind of surprised at what they see. It's not, in fact, the home of some guy who decided to throw a Botox party for his wife on the cheap, but instead a run-down bungalow, and the biggest surprise was that there was no car resting on cinder blocks in the front lawn. The place looks like it may be trouble, but Veronica tells Logan to stay behind anyway. As she gets to the door, Danny Boyd answers and Veronica says she just wants to ask a few questions because she is thinking of plastic surgery herself. Danny agrees to answer her questions about the doctor, but not before telling Veronica that she doesn't need any plastic surgery, except for maybe the obvious, which is a boob job. Man, the producers like making Veronica has small boobs joke almost as much as I like comparing Logan's head to a penis. Why do you think that is?

Danny decides to take her in the back, and at this point, you know there is going to be trouble. Veronica is a tough girl and has her taser and everything, but shouldn't she have been tipped off when she goes in the back, navigates through a maze of doors and pit bulls, and finds herself in an underground bar? I mean, let's be honest, as soon as the guy said that he didn't care if she was eighteen or not, she probably should have left, right? We already know that the doctor is known to frequent a cigar store that is supposedly a front for illegal activity. Just exactly what is she hoping to find that would be so worthwhile? Whatever Veronica was hoping to find back there, it probably wasn't the River Styx, the bar of the Fitzpatricks, Neptune's first family of crime.

Show me yours, I'll show you mine.

Right away, things begin to go south. Veronica used a fake name, but one of the girls there recognized her from school, and mentioned that she was the daughter of Keith Mars, current PI, former sheriff, and somebody who probably wasn't on the same side as the Fitzpatricks in many instances. Veronica does discover that the Dr. Griffith is like a "friend of the family" to the Fitzpatricks, which probably means that he owes them a gambling debt of some sort, and is paying them off with favors, like sewing together Danny Boyd with 45 stitches when he was nearly gutted in a bar fight. That's really all the information that she needs, but the Fitzpatricks want to know the real reason why she was there, and even though the answer is really "I want to know about plastic surgery," that isn't going to be good enough.

At these moments, we are used to Veronica using her stun gun on her assailant. She tries to do that, but when she is running away, Liam Fitzpatrick is able to trip her up. He slams her on the top of a pool table, and is about to tattoo a clover to her face, because, you know, he's Irish and you wouldn't want him to confuse anybody with purple horseshoes or yellow moons. Since trying to talk her way out of things didn't work, it was going to take a miracle for her to be saved. That miracle, as it turns out, was Logan. Logan is a tough guy, but not even he would be able to take down a bunch of Fitzpatricks. With that one dude who was willing to be stitched up 45 times and not think twice about the hospital (wouldn't they just use staples at that point?), it's not likely that Logan and his frosted hair were going to put the fear of god into them. Logan did have a gun, however, and that seemed to do the trick and Logan and Veronica made their great escape.

My, what big eyes you have!

As you can imagine, Veronica was pretty shook up about the whole ordeal. She's used to life threatening experiences more often than 99% of the rest of the population, but other than being locked up in a refrigerator and set on fire by Aaron Echolls, she hasn't been through much worse. And as upsetting as almost getting a tattoo of a clover on her face was, it was even worse thinking that Logan had a gun. He said it wasn't loaded, and perhaps that would make a difference if you weren't pointing it at criminals, but having a gun is only worth anything if you are willing to use it, and that scares the shit out of Veronica. To complicate matters, she can't really talk to her boyfriend about it, and she definitely can't talk to her dad, who has already had enough problems with her getting into trouble working on cases. No, the only thing she can do is pretend like nothing happened and agree to help him out with the Oliveres case by interviewing some students at school.

Veronica is prone to conspiracy theories, and this one fits the bill. The easy story is that the intimidation is coming from the school district, and recently, they found an MP3 player with a recording of Marcos' voice attached to his mother's car, set to repeat and play through the radio. As it turns out the MP3 player was bought on a school district account. Plus, if the suit goes through, there will be nothing left to do except cut back on school programs. Things like sports, band, the theater may all get cut, which would seem to mean there would be lots of people who wanted to intimidate the Oliveres family, but the problem with that is that there doesn't seem to be anybody that remembers that Marcos even existed. It isn't until Veronica asks Mac, her resident computer expert and go-to girl for questions surrounding everything from suspicious purity test scores to encrypted files on your comatose friend's laptop, for help determining the origin of the recordings on the MP3 player before Veronica gets anywhere.

Almost immediately, Mac recognizes the voice as Captain Crunk. While that may sound like a member of Little John's posse, or the name of Ludacris' new breakfast cereal, it is actually the name of one half of a pirate radio show run by Neptune students. Captain Crunk and Imitation Crab (my favorite salad topping at Gelsons!) broadcast "Ahoy Mateys" (get it, it's like Pirate Radio, recursively) every Thursday, where they spend their time making fun of other Neptune High Students. PCH or 09er, Captain Crunk lets everybody have it. In order to get answers, Veronica decides to track down the signal later that night.

Even though Veronica risked her life for Logan, young master Echolls is growing a little impatient. You can that Logan is serious because his own safety is in danger. It's one thing to play the bad ass when you are the richest kid in school, and the worst thing that can happen to you is you lose your parking space. It's another thing entirely when you're at the county lockup and you have the bottom bunk in a cell with Fisty McRapesalot. Logan needs help and he is desperate saying "Help me Mars Kanobi, you're my only hope." Veronica says she will get to work, but wouldn't it have been much funnier if she said something like "May the soap on a rope be with you.� I know the point of the show is that Veronica is a bad ass, but since Logan has been saving her more often than she has been saving him, don't you think he would eventually just get some expensive lawyers and hire some big Samoan to watch his back? If he goes to jail, it will be all his fault. You know, I can't take pity on men of his kind, even though he might take it in the behind.

Logan's worries about ending up a prison bitch notwithstanding, he is looking at the narrow picture. Veronica, however, knows that something bigger is happening. The real question is not why Dr. Griffith has come forward as a witness against Logan. The question should be why would a person who does favors for the Fitzpatricks come to the aid of a rival gang. Veronica sees Weevil and demands some answers of her own. If the Fitzpatricks are helping out Weevil's gang, then they must be doing something to help out the Fitzpatricks, right?

It's no secret that Weevil doesn't like Logan and the feeling is entirely mutual, but the problem with having the Fitzpatricks helping out Weevil is that he truly doesn't know what is going on. In fact, he seems to be losing control of at least part of his gang. Earlier in the day, some random kid he didn't know asked Weevil for some 8-ball, apparently thinking his name was Michael Douglas and he was starring in a psychological thriller in the 80s. 8-ball is a synonym for cocaine that your parents read in an anti-drug pamphlet, not anything that any self respecting kid would call it in 2005, except perhaps for the ironic effect when describing what happened when you bumped into Paris Hilton in the bathroom of Bask. Weevil knows this, and immediately believes the kid is a rat, and tears open his shirt looking for a wire. He doesn't find any, but the fact that the kid heard he get his coke from a Mexican biker worries Weevil, because as far as he knows, his gang doesn't sell the stuff.

Weevil decides that he needs to get his people together for a little bit of a meeting of the minds, and starts asking some questions, like when did people decide it was OK to contact the Fitzpatricks and sell coke without his permission. Nobody was admitting to doing anything, but as the board meeting was letting out, one of the gang members came forward and stated that he doesn't remember who called the cops the night Felix got killed. Weevil was hurt, so people went to take him home. Felix was calling the shots, but with his last bit of strength, Logan stabbed Felix and with uncanny accuracy considering that one wound killed him. Weevil is surprised because the gang member in question testified to the police that he saw the whole thing, although he swears he was simply repeating what the real eyewitnesses had said.

That night, Veronica and Mac do a little bit of triangulation in order to get a fix on where the Ahoy Mateys broadcast signal is coming from. When they reach their destination, it turns out to be Vice Principal Clemmons house, which means that his son, Butters, must be broadcasting the radio show. In order to make it seem absolutely natural that they are there, Veronica sort of gives the signal that Mac has the hots for Butters (maybe she actually does), and he takes them to the garage. When Vice Principal Clemmons knocks on the door, we hear Butters scream that it is "private basement time", which means he probably got caught jerking off in the shower. Or maybe he got caught doing a pirate radio show in the shower, take your pick.

That blanket hides either a guerilla radio station, or one big game of Operation

Once inside, Veronica and Mac confirm that Butters is Imitation Crab, but he doesn't have any idea who would have taken the voice recordings. Veronica speculated that his dad caught him broadcasting, and forced Butters to help him harass the Oliveres family in order to continue with the show. If you are buying the conspiracy side of the story, this might make sense, but that was not the case and Veronica decided to move on to the other part of the mystery surrounding Marcos, which is why did he stop doing the show. Butters seemed upset when they asked the question, and would only say that Marcos went away to summer camp, but when he came back, he was changed and didn't want to do the show any more.

Since Butters was no help with the Oliveres case, it looks like Keith was going to have to have to make like Emilio Estevez and go on a stakeout while everybody was gone for bowling night or something (note, it might not have been bowling night, but the reason why they were gone doesn't matter, so don't bug me about it). He had explained to the Oliveres family that because of the radio show, Marcos might have a lot of enemies, but they still believed that it was the school district that was intimidating them, and they wanted Mars Investigations to get the proof. On his stakeout. Keith thinks that he finally got his man when a guy comes in, enters the security code to the house, and makes his way through the kitchen. The guy claims that he is a neighbor and that he keeps his beer in the Oliveres fridge so his wife doesn't complain. Although the neighbor admitted that he wanted to expand his house, and made offers on the Oliveres property, Mr. Oliveres confirms that the neighbor does hide his beer at their house (maybe his neighbor needs some private basement time of his own to hide a kegerator a some beer nuts).

Just moments later, Keith finds that there is another toy school bus in the fish tank, and a note with the alarm code on the back of some Simon and Stern letterhead, the law firm that is handling the settlement case for the Neptune school district. You would think that this would make Keith Mars happy, but it does just the opposite. The matter is to be settled in court the next day, and when Keith arrives there, he says that Mr. Oliveres doesn't want him to testify. The evidence from the night of Keith's stakeout seemed a little too slam dunk to be true, and that was the case. Keith noticed when hi pulled the school bus from the fish tank, there was fish food inside. Either the person harassing the Oliveres had a thing for aquariums, or it was somebody inside the Oliveres house who planted that bus. It turns out Mr. Oliveres wanted his money so bad, that he was willing to fabricate evidence, but Keith wasn't going to testify in defense of the Oliveres allegations knowing what he knows now.

Now just because Mr. Oliveres planted that last bit of evidence doesn't mean he was responsible for all of the harassment. Planting that last bit of evidence was probably his response to the news that his son's radio show might have put some reasonable doubt into his explanation of the events. As happens so often with the show, the actual reason is related to an entirely different set of circumstances. Veronica discovered that the camp Marcos went to in the summer that changed his attitudes and made him quit the show was a type of re-educational camp called SelfQuest (as Veronica said, not to be confused with the elf finding camp of a similar name) for parents who think there kids may be gay. The theory of places like these is that being gay is a choice and if you are given lots of stimulus and education about of the hetero lifestyle, you'll stop your hedonistic sinning ways and have a happy normal life and your parents won't be embarrassed or have to kick you out and tell their friends you're an artist.

So, Marcos parents thought he was gay, but why did they have this thought? They asked Butters, but he was of no help. He kept on saying that Marcos was definitely not a "fairy" and more of a "playboy loving bootie hound". Striking out with Butters, Veronica goes back to an e-mail that she received about Marcos during her first search. Only one person had replied about Marcos, saying he was very kind and a great person, but she didn't want to go on because she had a jealous boyfriend. Veronica tracks the e-mail message down to a girl named Roxie, but she has no idea what Veronica is talking about. Then Roxie's brother Ryan comes home, sees Veronica, and Veronica can tell by the look on his face (plus the blue-paisley accented vintage cowboy shirt) that it must have been him who had sent the e-mail.

Ryan finally lays everything out on the table. He listened to Captain Crunk, fell in love with him, became friends, and was trying to get him to take some batting practice for the other team. Marcos' parents caught them while Ryan was giving him a back massage, and Marcos was shipped away. They weren't sure if the camp de-gayed him enough (SelfQuest is no True Dedications, after all), so they made him do lots of macho manly stuff, including field trips to local sports teams, because making their son think about sweaty men in tight pants is surely going to set him straight! That's right, Marcos would have never been on that bus if his parents were a little bit more open minded. It was Ryan who had been harassing the Oliveres family, and he was happy to hear from Veronica that his tactics had bothered them so much, because that is exactly the sort of feeling he was going for.

Perhaps I missed it, but I still couldn't figure out what the school purchased MP3 player had to do with anything. Perhaps Roxie and Ryan's mom or dad was on the school board? Before I start theorizing for three or four paragraphs how the mp3 player was important, there was the little matter of Logan, Weevil, and the Fitzpatricks. As I said before, Weevil was upset about the idea that there might be some other person calling the shots. He promised to find out what was going on with that witness and what happened on that bridge, and the first person he is going to ask is Logan. OK, he doesn't so much ask Logan as he has a couple of his lackeys knock him out, tie him up in some warehouse, and play Russian roulette with his hands and his penis (not the one resting on his shoulders).

Lots of people criticize me for calling Logan an asshole, etc., and say that I don't understand him. Well, I think Logan is an asshole, and I think that is exactly what the producers want Jason Dohring to play. Any time the character requires true emotion, Mr. Dohring pulls it off very well, whether it be the hurt Logan feels at the loss of his mother, or the fear Logan feels as he anticipates a bullet going right through his hand. Two masked men were asking Logan about what happened on the bridge, and although Logan told Veronica he lied to the police when he said he didn't remember anything, Logan had nothing to give up to his abductors, even when they loaded the revolver, gave the chamber a spin, and fired it into his hand twice. By the time, they were aiming it at his crotch; it looked like Logan was going to piss himself.

I said talk to the hand, not shoot it off.

This wasn't quite like a Russian roulette scene from 24, but like I said, you could feel the fear Logan had as he was lying there helpless. There would be nobody to come to his aid and threaten to call 911 if they didn't stop like he had done for Veronica earlier. Logan's captors didn't kill him, but they dump him out on a remote beach. Although one of them said that it looked like Logan wet himself, he wasn't so scared that he was paralyzed, and had the presence of mind to grab the cell phone from the floor of the van as they threw him out. It only took one little *69 (or look at the recent calls, natch) to figure out who was at the other end. When he was captured, the people who were torturing him were making phone calls, checking in with somebody on what they should do. We all suspected that it was Weevil, and after his assailants had sped away, Logan's call does, in fact reach Weevil. Logan promises to get Weevil back, saying that he doesn't even know what he just started.

The escalation between Weevil and Logan is expected, but what of the soap opera that started it all? At the beginning, Duncan dreamed as if he was given a choice between Veronica and Meg. At the end, it looked like he made his choice. He was in bed with a blonde, and it looked like he and Veronica were back to their happy selves after their long week, although to be honest, it was Veronica who had enough of a week to last them both, but they were back in each others arms, and that was the important part, right? Well, it would have been except that Duncan was dreaming again, and in his dream, the choice he made was Meg. She was sleeping with Duncan, and is once again saying that he is the only one that can save her. Duncan is no stranger to hallucinations, although the worst cases were when he was taking anti-depressants after Lilly's death and then tried to go cold turkey off of them. The dream is enough to convince him to take another look at that letter from that person in Seattle. He opens it, reads what's inside, is very shocked, and then we fade out, forcing us to speculate for another week what is going to happen.

Overall, I thought this episode was great, mainly because it introduced us to several new little conspiracy twists involving the bus. Even though the school board district blackmail thing didn't come through, the Fitzpatrick involvement is big news. When Veronica was first looking at to who might have wanted to have the bus crashed, before she knew the connection between Curly Moran and Aaron Echolls, Weevil sort of exonerated the Fitzpatricks involvement in anything by saying that they would have been more direct if the bus crash was meant as retribution for something. Could it be possible that Weevil knows that the Fitzpatricks were involved, but he didn't say anything if they promised to get Logan in jail? Stranger things have happened on this show. As for Duncan's dreams, I am not sure what to make of them. I just watched Season 1, but couldn't think of any time Chris Talley was mentioned, although I don't believe that Duncan's dreaming of Meg just after he found out her parents lock up their daughters (or at least the youngest daughter) for being bad is a coincidence.

What did you think of the episode? Is Weevil working with the Fitzpatricks? What was in that letter to Meg?

Posted by at 2:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

I must admit that I was beyond excited at the outset of the latest episode of The Apprentice because for a brief moment, I thought our corporate wannabes might actually be rapping their way through a challenge. But my dreams of a Rubble Man Redux were quickly shattered as Trump informed everyone that people would be wrapping not rapping. Oh, that little "w" makes all the difference, doesn't it? That's okay. I was still able to enjoy this episode for all its goofy perks like the scandalous megaphone subterfuge and of course the gratuitous Shania Twain cameo. If that's not a Thanksgiving gift, I don't know what is.

The big turkey day episode kicked off with that oh-so-catchy (but not really) song by Levi, XM Café newest big star (see last week's recap). You remember how it goes: "Nothing is something for everything or nothing or blah blah blah." I may have the lyrics wrong. You might want to cross check that... Well, this was not just an underhanded way to sell more Levi albums (which in turn would benefit Trump management, I'm sure). Turns out Felisha had the tune in her head, and as she and Alla and Adam waited for Team Excel to return from the Boardroom, our favorite blonde bombshell sang the song to her teammates -- surely a triumphant dirge in this most stressful of times!

Excuse me one moment. A homeless man down on the street below is yelling and being distracting. Must wait for the BumRant to end.

Okay, it's over. Rather suddenly too. I'm sure there's an interesting story behind that. Anyway, as Capital Edge waited and waited, Alla unexpectedly expressed sadness that Clay might be fired. Whaa? Turns out our swishy stallion cooked breakfast for Alla every morning. Sort of surprising. After all, who would have thought Clay would prepare a meal for one of his enemies? And who would have thought Alla would have eaten it? Helloooo? It's called arsenic.

Well, Rebecca and Randal returned to the suite, but they were not nearly the animated couple I thought they'd be, and that includes adjusted expectations for gimpy crutch celebrations. You see, amidst all the Clay drama last episode, we kind of overlooked that Rebecca had asserted that Randal didn't step up on the latest task. Well, this did not make Randal very happy. It was the equivalent of Spongebob going around Bikini Bottom and talking shit about Squidward.

Anyway, Randal told Rebecca that he wasn't happy with what she had said, and she apologized, and well, that was it. I know, it's very disarming. Two people on The Apprentice squashed their beef professionally and maturely? They do realize they're on reality TV, right? I'm so disgusted, I can't even continue.

Okay, I've taken a breather and have now found the strength to power on. The next morning, we found Trump at Trump Bar in Trump Tower as he grilled Trump Bartender, Chris. We learned that business at the bar couldn't be better! As evidenced by ALL THE CUSTOMERS! Granted, it was probably 8:00 AM, but still, any good bar will have its loyal winos lining up by sunrise. Anyway, as the teams approached the bar, we suddenly had a super close-up shot of Trump's profile as he declared, "Chris, that's a great job. I appreciate it."

Well, with the teams ready for their next assignment, we discovered that George was gone once again (hey, the soda jerk doesn't run itself!) and in his place was the always bewildered (and delightfully spiky-haired) Bill Rancic. Trump then announced that the teams would be promoting something by "one of the most celebrated names in music: Shania Twain." Yes. Feel the celebrations roar through the TV. I mean, who doesn't love her completely mediocre music? Nevertheless, Shania's launching a new perfume -- "Shania By Stetson" -- and the teams were to promote via a very specific technique. I'll let Trump explain. "There's a thing that's new. It's called wrapping." Now, imagine my excitement when I heard that. Because, of course, when you're listening Trump and not reading his words, you don't hear that silent "w." DAMMIT! I got so excited!! Alas, Trump explained that this would not be another embarrassing foray into the hip-hop world. No, the teams would literally be wrapping objects with promos, and whoever managed to get more people to dial a toll-free number for a free sample would win. Okay kids! Get to work!

On Excel, Project Manager Randal had lots to prove after Rebecca's Boardroom slight (and it didn't help that Trump singled him out by saying that his estimation of him had dropped. Whatever, Randal's such a shoe-in for this thing. Trump's just trying to make this vaguely unpredictable). The Rand-Man's big plan was to get an army of people to blanket the city with this wrapping. At first he tried to summon a crowd of thirty people, but then he managed to actually secure sixty workers. Randal was so pumped, he blurted out, "That is the illest! Soak it up!" Yeah man! Hired labor! That shit is da bomb! Or as Tana from last season would say, "Krunky!!"

Over on Capital Edge, Alla stepped up to be Project Manager and immediately opened up the floor to ideas. Unfortunately, Adam, who seems to have a lovely career in middle management ahead of him, came up with the bizarre idea of wrapping horse-drawn carriages, but he wasn't going to stop there. He wanted to wrap THE HORSES! Look, there's a line between "out of the box" and "dumb." Still, he was hooked on this idea, even if it meant Shania's face would be stuck literally on a horse's ass. I guess it's a somewhat appropriate visual commentary on her music. Wow, I'm just full of the Shania haterade today. Sorry Shania. It's not you, it's me.

Well, Adam may have wanted to play with horses, but Felisha was in a Randal frame of mind as she pushed for wrapping an army of people as well. You see, the wrapping is a point of sale, she explained, and a person could sell the number a lot better than a carriage -- which may or may not be trotting away. Alla agreed to employ both tactics; although clearly Adam wanted this to be all horse all the time. He quietly had Alla cut the humans down to a small portion of the budget, thus limiting Felisha to a mere 20 person workforce. Doesn't sound good...

After the commercial break, we learned our big Trump lesson of the week: "Be A Gladiator!" I half expected Trump to then come on screen and bellow, "Are you not entertained???" but instead we got something much better. From his golden throne, he blared, "There are time when the only choice is confrontation!" This then led to Trump yelling on his cell phone, "Do you understand me? And I'm gonna sue you if I HAVE TO!!!" And with that, he hung up his phone and threw it into some dark nether region of his limo. Dunh Dunh DUNH!!! GLADIATOR!!! Oh, but he wasn't done! Trump then got back on his phone and barked, "Let me tell you something. I don't know what he bought. I don't know what he did. All I know is that I'm f*cking finished, OKAY??" Hey, that seems like an awfully rude way to talk to Rhona.

Well, after this Donald blow-up, we returned to Excel as Randal tried to procure some megaphones for his Shania army. Unfortunately, megaphones aren't very easy to find in Manhattan, and when Randal called RadioShack, he learned that all the company's megaphones were being culled together for one order elsewhere in the city. Yup, turns out that order was actually for Capital Edge, and in a bold and risky move, Randal and Rebecca decided they were going to intercept the order! That's right. They were essentially going to steal them! Methinks I know who the gladiator is this episode!

Sure enough, Rebecca hobbled into Radioshack and swiped those megaphones while Randal stood outside on lookout for what he called, "Operation: Sabotage!" But would they be successful? Would Capital Edge ruin this entire shady operation? I was literally on the edge of my seat. At one point, the doorbell rang in the store, causing Rebecca's heads to raise up. Was this Capital Edge walking in to bust her? No, it was just a random customer. Fakeout! Who knew Radioshack could be so exciting?

Well, Excel snuck off with all their booty, and when Alla called up to say she was on the way, the person at the desk said someone had already picked up the megaphones. "One had crutches," said the Radioshack employee, adding, "And the other one, I think he's on Spongebob." As expected, the news totally blindsided poor Alla, but she kept her spirits up, saying that it'll be all the sweeter when Excel loses. Um, Alla? Did you even SEE Trump's lesson? Gladiator! Gladiator! Do something bold and confrontational. I know! Kidnap Randal's army! He'll never see that one coming.

Anyway, the next morning, it was time to get the big marketing blitz underway. Felisha's workers all arrived, but sadly, very few of them could actually speak English (as evidenced by the sudden presence of Spanish-themed music on the soundtrack). "I wanted clean-cut," complained Alla, which was her subtle way of saying, "White." Even worse, wrapping the coaches turned out to be a major hassle, mostly because the material was supposed to go on flat surfaces, not ornate, oddly shaped carriages. And to add insult to injury, the producers swapped out the "Look at the Latinos!" music for the ever goofy "You're a dumb idiot" score. Of course, Adam put a positive spin on his wonderful idea, saying, "The coaches and carriages looked great!" Yeah, wonderful. Except for that giant gash right through Shania's face. But whatever. No one needs to know who the celebrity backing the brand is anyway.

While Capital Edge marched around Union Square, Excel attacked Spanish Harlem. Their theory was that since most of their workers were native Spanish speakers, it made sense for the army to be in an area where they could not only communicate clearly with people but also relate to them as well. But let's be honest. A free sample is a lot more attractive in a poor neighborhood than a ritzy one. Sure enough, Capital Edge hit the ground running and found patrons left and right. Even a fake Usher called the Shania number. Yay!

As for Capital Edge, well, they still had a major case of the stupid music going against them. Adam, as always, had a splendidly awkward approach. "Want to smell some of this perfume? It's delicious!" he said. Oh, pleeeease sing the Delicious Wishes song! PLEASE! I rue the day that I did not make an mp3 of that gem.

Eventually, Carolyn reared her poofy head, and within seconds, she was ready to attack. Okay Carolyn. Let 'er rip! "They also decided to wrap horse-drawn carriages, which really didn't look so great. The appearance of these signs is quite embarrassing, and if I was Shania Twain, I'd be embarrassed." Why? Because her music sucks? Oh, because Capital Edge is doing such a shitty job. Got it.

Well, Alla honed her inner pushy Russian and managed to get a whole grip of people to call the number, but in the end, it was too little too late. Excel wrangled in 978 calls while Capital Edge fell just short with 973. Ouch. No one likes to lose by those numbers. For Randal and Rebecca's reward, they were to spend some time with Shania and go horseback riding. Oh, and guess what? There was a special saddle just for Rebecca. Now she can break her other ankle. Fantastic!

We then caught up with the two victors as they trotted along with the country superstar. And let's be honest. Nothing says "country" like riding a horse in Manhattan. Nevertheless, it seemed like a grand old time, even if Randal's horse was somewhat disobedient, and later, the three had a lovely dinner together at Oceana. All in all, it was a pretty solid reward, but I did wonder what these two would have to talk to Shania about. How to make stupid pseudo-pop songs? That don't impress me much!

And yes, I just quoted a dumb Shania song. All for the sake of art, I tell you! Hey, at least it wasn't "Man, I Feel Like A Woman!"

Having less of a fun time was Capital Edge, who after some scheming the suite were now duking it out in the Boardroom. Adam immediately gunned for Felisha, saying that she didn't provide the quality or quantity of staff that she had promised. Well, yeah, you cut it out of the budget, jerk. Trump asked why Felisha didn't hire more people, and she pointed to the budget which called for fourteen carriages. Bill piped up for his three words of the day when he accused the team of not thinking big, and then somehow the discussion moved onto the megaphone scandal. Alla explained the whole scenario with the glee of a seasoned tattler, but instead of spouting sympathy, Trump asked, "Don't you think that's wonderful?" At which point Bill hopped on and said, "I commend them."

It's official, Excel. YOU HAVE BEEN COMMENDED!

After more crosstalk, Trump then asked Felisha who she would fire, and of course she suggested Adam. But here was the real question. Who did Alla think should be fired? Sorry Adam, but Alla said that Felisha was the stronger candidate. With that in mind, Trump sent Alla back up to the suite and then barked, "Adam, move over!" GLADIATOR!! As Adam slid over next to Felisha, Trump then added, "C'mon pussy boy. Don't be afraid of the women!"

Okay, Trump didn't say that, but the attacks did come strong, especially from Carolyn who declared, "There are five people remaining right now. I think by far, you two are the weakest." To which Felisha gasped with fear, "Oh my gosh!" Way to prove Carolyn wrong...

Trump then polled his sidekicks and asked which person they'd fire. Carolyn wanted to ax Felisha; Bill wanted to ax Adam. Hmmm... That didn't solve anything; so Trump had the candidates state their cases once again. Felisha harped on Adam's lack of experience, but the youngster rebuked her argument by insisting, "I'm curious!" I mean, not sexually, but in other ways, yes, he's curious.

Well, the two candidates went at it ferociously, and while Felisha received her fare share of heat from everyone in the room, in the end, Trump fired Adam, who simply could not believe it. Yes, he was more shocked than the time he found out about the birds and the bees -- which coincidentally was about three days prior. As Adam shuffled out of the Boardroom, Trump explained that both candidates did a terrible job, but that Alla and Felisha would be a better team vs. Randal and Rebecca. And I couldn't disagree.

So now it's final four time, baby! The pressure is on! Who will go next? Will Alla and Felisha pull out a surprise victory? Or will Felisha finally bite the dust?

Posted by at 3:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (42)

Ah, Survivor: Guatemala. It's only been about three or four days since you've last aired, and yet, I can barely remember a single thing. I'm pretty sure I recollect who got voted out, and I'm pretty sure I remember the reward challenge. But darn it! That's about it. Maybe it was the turkey-induced haze of Thursday night or maybe it's just the general ennui this season has forced upon me, but I just can't get this silly reality show to stick in my head. Luckily, I diligently wrote down notes Thursday night; so that should help me piece together this almost exciting, but ultimately anticlimactic episode. Before I begin though, I have a simple message for all future Survivor contestants: SCHEME, DAMMIT!

This very special tryptophan episode kicked off with the ominous sight of a snake slithering through the darkness -- surely a symbolic nod to the scheming and backstabbing that would come! Well, not so much. Having just booted Jamie, the tribe returned to the camp where Stephenie announced, "That was some crazy shenanigans," but alas, the expected Judd blow up never occurred. You see, Judd was the only one who wasn't in on that whole "Let's bamboozle Jamie" vote; so surely he would be enraged by his team's duplicity. But no. Instead he coped with his outsider status the way any maligned survivor would: by resorting to the third person. "Don't feel bad for Judd because Judd doesn't even feel bad whatsoever," he said. Oooh! Does this mean Jamie passed his crazy onto Judd? (Crossing fingers for an episode full of loony, third person Juddisms.)

Meanwhile, Lydia cozied up to Gary and admitted, "I'd rather have you here." And in Mark Burnett Survivor-ese, that usually translates to "I'll be voting you off."

The night finally came to a close with a happy Rafe declaring, "I feel like all is right in Survivor world!" At which point, several adorable birds began chirping by his shoulder, two rabbits fluttered their eyes at each other, a squirrel strummed a guitar on a nearby rock, and an owl looked at the camera and said, "Hoo Hoo Hooray! Goodnight boys and girls!"

The next morning, we found the survivors asleep and in the case of Judd, snoring (I wonder, can you snore in the third person?). But not everyone was passed out in a world of Guatemalan slumber. Gary and Lydia were up and trading secrets. Okay, maybe just Lydia was. Gary basically asked her a series of questions as to who was in charge around camp, etc., and Lydia merely nodded or shook her head, quietly revealing that Stephenie was running the show. Unfortunately, the two weren't listening carefully to their surroundings, otherwise they would have realized Judd's porcine snoring had ceased. Yes, the doorman had woken up and was now surreptitiously spying on Gary as he culled info from Lydia. Eventually, Judd made his presence known, thus ending the Garlydia union, but the damage was done. When Steph and Rafe found out about this early morning scheming, they were pissed, especially at Gary, who they now perceived as a snake. I mean, seriously. How DARE he try to scheme his way off the chopping block! JERK!

"I don't even want him to get the reward," Stephenie told us. But let's be serious. Stephenie never wants anyone to have the reward.

As for Judd, he was annoyed because last week at the Folgers Coffee reward, Gary said he wanted to get rid of Lydia, but now he was clearly trying to win her favor. "That's a big lie!" huffed Judd. And if there's anything we know about Judd, it's that he's clearly a man who places the utmost emphasis on honesty and integrity...

At the reward challenge, the survivors had to answer trivia. Each person who had a correct response would get to bash a hanging jug (filled with corn, natch. Why? I don't know). Now here's the thing. Each person had three hanging jugs to their name. When all three were destroyed, they'd be eliminated. The winner would be taken to a hot springs waterfall where he or she would enjoy skewered meat, shrimp, beef, chicken, mojitas, and a massage. Shockingly, no Folgers Coffee would be involved. I know. I can't believe it either.

The reward challenge started on a relatively goofy note as Probst asked what the names of the stones were on which Mayans wrote their hieroglyphics, with one option being "origami." Man, I so wanted someone to choose "origami." You know that if Jamie or Bobby Jon were still around, they'd totally pick it. Alas, "origami" went unloved, and after the first round, several people had the opportunity to bash pots. This, of course, meant instigating commentary from Probst. When Judd took a violent swing at Gary's pot, Jeffy commented, "Nothing subtle about that!!" Shut up, PROBST!

As the challenge progressed, we learned all sorts of silly tidbits, like the fact that the Mayans used human heads to play "courtball." Upon hearing this, I was instantly saddened that when the teams played this game a few weeks ago, the Survivor producers did not fashion some sort of ball from Rupert Bonham's stupid head. Probably would have been too hairy.

Anyway, things became suddenly tense when Lydia took out Stephenie's pots. Asked why, she replied, "I haven't eaten. Steph ate three times." To which Stephenie seethed, "So did Gary. So did Danni." BABY WANTS HER REWARD!

Well, Cindy took Gary out; Danni took Judd out; and then Rafe took Danni out. As for Lydia, well, she lasted a while, but eventually she too fell into Rafe's wobbly, uncoordinated crosshairs. Poor fishmonger. She looked like she wanted to cry. Ultimately, the competition came down to Rafe and Cindy, with Cindy ultimately persevering. And now the moment of truth: who would she pick? Odds that Stephenie will beg to be taken on the reward? Oh, about 3 to 2. Anyway, Cindy pondered and pondered... and pondered some more. PICK SOMEONE DAMMIT! I'm surprised Jeff didn't lambast her for being so indecisive. He's always in a rush, you know. Must get back to his rigorous schedule of turning his skin into leather.

Eventually, Cindy picked Rafe to go with her to the hot springs, and as the rest of the team returned to the camp, we found a crocodile on the loose. Uh oh! Might this be the untimely end for one tribe member? You just know those crocs have been checkin' out Lydia ever since she arrived in Guatemala. Fresh fishmonger is like caviar to crocodiles.

Actually, the biggest threat to Lydia was Stephenie who was now on a rampage about the whole reward thing. You see, Princess Steph didn't like being called out and was now on her throne of defensiveness. Don't make her sound like she's the only one getting fed, she snapped, noting that several other people have also partaken in rewards. Later, Steph told us, "There's a winner and a loser in this game, and if you're gonna be jealous, then you're an idiot." She then added, "I'm the only one who gets to victimize herself."

Well, this whole fiasco did nothing but further isolate Lydia from her group. And luckily for us, we saw cracks in the veneer. "Everyone is putting Stephenie up on a pedestal," Lydia told us. "Everyone is, knowing that Stephenie is the biggest threat, but nobody's doing a thing about it." YES LYDIA! Join the other side! Turn the game on its head!! Unfortunately, even if Lydia were to join Gary and Danni, it would still be an alliance of three against four. Their best bet would be to turn Judd, make him feel like the outsider of his group. Make him paranoid that of the final four, he's number four in the pecking order. Oh, but who am I kidding? That would entail way more scheming than anyone on this season is capable of.

Meanwhile, over at the reward, Rafe and Cindy were greeted by two Guatemalan servants, who may or may not have been Jeff Probst's personal sex slaves. Nevertheless, the two winners settled down for some grub, at which point Rafe told us, "It was a flood of strategy!" Not that we got to see any of it. Grrr. Instead, we spent most of the time watching Rafe and Cindy cavort in the water, with Cindy offering fascinating observations about how the water was hot AND cold! WOW! But most importantly, Rafe got to experience something new with the zookeeper: "I am a really touchy person, and Cindy's not. So it's nice to kind of feel that touchy-feely connection with Cindy." And honestly, isn't that what Survivor is all about? Having a touchy-feely connection at a waterfall? To be fair, Rafe is happy to have a touchy-feely relationship with a piece of cloth on the side of the road; so this really wasn't that special.

Well, nothing else too interesting happened at the hot springs -- that is if you don't count the odd interview with Cindy from under the massage table -- and with flowers in hair, Rafe and his new touchy feely victim returned to camp. As usual, Steph and her crew were perched on the ruins (that's the cool table in the lunchroom) while Lydia sat down by the campfire, humbly slurping some nasty fish stew she had concocted. When Rafe and Cindy walked by, Lydia offered them a taste of this mucky soup, but we all knew it was just a sly way of saying "Thanks for making me eat this crap, BITCHES!" You gotta respect passive aggressive soup.

The next morning, the über-clique returned to their perch, this time with coffee, and while they comfortably sat above their lowly counterparts, Gary and Danni decided to turn Rafe. Not a smart move. Seems like the logical choice on the surface, but Rafe doesn't want to backstab, and why would he betray his current alliance for another one that promises the exact same things? I'm telling you, go after Judd! (I say this as if I could somehow have any bearing on the outcome, despite the show being shot, you know, months ago).

At the immunity challenge, Probst announced that he would be telling a story. Once done, the players would have to run over to various shacks, piece together a question, choose one of two boxes and blah blah blah -- first person with all their flags would win. Okay, let's just get this thing started. Probst then settled in and told a long, meandering story about some moon goddess slut who basically had illicit affairs with every celestial being in Mayan culture. I mean, she even got killed, and she still came back from the dead to have affairs.

With storytime done, everyone went scampering to the shacks to get their various flags and whatnot. Probst was more impatient than usual though as he barked, "This is for immunity, LET'S GO!" Seriously. You're in the Guatemalan jungle. WHERE DO YOU HAVE TO BE??? Just calm down, enjoy a mojito, and watch the game!

Anyway, Gary took an early lead by virtue of not missing a single question. Wow, what a great memory. It's almost as if he's had experiencing memorizing things. Complex things. Like... playbooks!!! Or, to be fair, plants. Yeah, probably plants. He is, after all, a landscaper.

Well, Gary may have been doing well, but Rafe beat him by a hair and won immunity again. "Who would see this little gay Mormon and think he'd win all these immunity challenges?" Rafe asked. Even more ironic was Judd's proficiency with the unaired "Shop 'Til You Drop!" and "Madonna Forever!" challenges. Just goes to show, you never know what'll happen on Survivor!

Back at camp, Steph kvelled to us about her alliance, saying, "It's perfect. It seems too good to be true." Hmmm... Might this be the groundwork for some major backstabbing? A surprise ouster? I mean, this was prototypical Mark Burnett misdirection. "It feels weird because last time I felt so powerless, and this time I feel so powerful," added Stephenie. Oh, my misdirection radar is going off the charts...

As for Lydia, she knew her time was up. "I'm screwed," she told us, thus ensuring that she was not in fact screwed. C'mon Mark Burnett. We're not gonna fall for that one. Meanwhile, Rafe told us that he simply did not trust Judd, who he believed has lied many times. Gary tried to pounce on this, but as a thunderstorm rolled in, it became obvious that this was going to be between Gary and Lydia, not Gary and Judd (or Steph, for that matter). Well, Lydia already said that she was screwed, and that's too obvious a statement to make, so clearly this would be Gary's big goodbye. Damn that obvious Survivor logic.

At Tribal Council, we saw our old buddies Bobby Jon and Jamie, both sporting hairdos that might get a lot of ladies at the roller disco. Before we could even ogle at their dumb hair though, Lydia began bad mouthing Stephenie, saying that everyone's been putting her on a pedestal and whatnot. She then explained her actions at the reward challenge, saying that it wasn't personal, but she wanted to give others a chance to try for the reward challenge. Well, this did not make Steph happy, as she balked, "If you've got something to say, say it to my face." Um, didn't she already? Several times, in fact?

Sensing a seam he could burst wide open, Gary jumped into the fray, saying, "There are some people here that are star-struck by her. That's not her fault, but they all can probably get her autograph after the show." Aww DIS!! And with that, Judd quietly pulled back the pen and paper he was just about to give Steph.

Actually, Judd didn't do that, but he did box himself in by telling Probst, "To be honest with you, I don't think I've lied yet." Well, look out, Judd! Gary's going down in flames, and he's gonna take whoever he can with him.

"This is a lie: 'hey guys, the idol is on the ground. That's a lie!'" he said. OH DAMN! Yeah, that's right Judd. You got SERVED! Gary style!

With no defense, Judd simply confessed, saying, "Okay, alright. I lied about the damn idol." He did qualify the statement though by saying it was the only time. What a tool. Eh, but it's part of the game. I can't beg for scheming and then hate on Judd for lying. You see, if I had been Gary, I probably would have just started a bunch of rumors around camp and turned the dominant four against each other. I mean, that's what it's all about.

Okay, enough stalling. Let's get to the voting. We only saw Judd's ballot (for Gary, obviously), and then it was time for Probst to read them. Vote 1: Gary. Vote 2: Cindy. Cindy? What the? Okay, so clearly this won't even be close. Cindy didn't even come near the realm of ouster possibilities. Maybe if Lydia or Stephenie or even Judd had shown up, I would have been excited. But Cindy? Whatever. No need to prolong this. The next three votes were for Gary, and so he was voted off the island. Or country, really. And yes, Lydia and Danni voted for Gary. I hate that. What's the point? I hate when the people on the fringes kiss up to the power players as if that's really gonna help them.

Perhaps the biggest disappointment of all though was that Gary did reveal his true identity to his tribe members. I mean, how could he deprive us of that moment? Maybe he'll reveal at the jury inquisition. He better! Because by the reunion show, it'll be too late, dammit.

What do you think? Could Gary have saved himself? How can Danni and Lydia turn this game upside down?

Posted by at 3:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (73)

So this is the big episode of Lost everyone’s been waiting for. After a two week tease we finally see the aftermath of Ana Lucia killing Shannon. Will Sayid revert back to the stereotypical Iraqi we saw last season when he tortured Sawyer (but in his defense, it was Sawyer, and who didn’t want to shove bamboo up his fingernails?) and go after Ana Lucia? Well, we were not disappointed. It was a cracking good episode. And we even get our first Ana Lucia flashbacks and she turns out to be even more unpleasant than we first thought. Let’s put it this way. There is a reason the group of survivors led by Ana Lucia has been reduced to only four people. I’m starting to think there aren’t any Others and it’s all just an elaborate ruse for everyone to get as far away from that bitch as humanly possible.

Before we get to the recap, first indulge me a little look at the internet scuttlebutt. In a prime example of taking everything posted on the internet with a grain of salt I present to you this website (pointed out to me by my fellow Lost fanatic Nan) which tries to question whether or not Shannon was shot and who it was exactly who shot her. And this website even gets a list of suspects. Basically this just proves that sometimes people can get a little carried away with their conspiracy theories. So keep that in mind when I point you to this picture (and this one as well) sent in by TVgasm reader Tamara Carver regarding the identity of The Others who took Walt last season. And finally, there is an interesting article on Papermag.com titled Lost for Dummies that gives a good primer for those new to the world of Lost.

But enough of the geek chatter. Let’s get on with the recap. We’ve got a lot of Ana Lucia hate to unload.

We open with a flashback. And it’s Ana Lucia doing what she loves most in this world. She’s at a shooting range firing a gun and grimacing. When I need to unwind I usually have a nice glass of wine and watch reality TV. She likes to shoot stuff. To each his own, I guess.

We then cut to Ana Lucia at her psychiatrist’s office, and I immediately am overwhelmed with sympathy for the poor bastard in charge of analyzing her. He tells Ana Lucia that he feels she has come a long way in the last four months. From this I can only assume that four months ago Ana Lucia spent her days feasting on the flesh of children aged 4-6. He then asks about Danny. She says they are no longer together (quite the shocker that one, eh?). She feels that she is better off alone. And that I believe America, from red state to blue state, can all collectively agree on that. And with that the psychiatrist hands her something. When she opens it we see a badge. He then says something that sends a chill down the spine of every law abiding citizen in this country. “Welcome back to the force Officer Cortez.� Fantastic. Who would’ve thought we’d actually get to see the worst psychiatrist and the worst cop in the world in the same room at the same time? If Carrot Top enters the room we’d get a hat trick.

Back in the present we go back to where we left off last week, and the week before that actually, with Sayid's look of hatred towards Ana Lucia as he cradles Shannon’s dead body. Get the popcorn out. Sayid grabs his gun and heads for Ana Lucia but Eko tackles him to the ground. After a short fight in the mud, Ana Lucia sucker punches him in the back of the head and knocks Sayid out cold. She then turns the gun on everyone else and the look in her eyes tells you that she has just officially lost her marbles.

When Michael asks her what her problem is she shoots over his shoulder and orders everyone to get back. Even the rest of the tailies are scared of her at this point. When she tells Eko to tie him up he refuses and walks off. Ana Lucia then points the gun at Libby and orders her to tie him up using the vines from the Sawyer stretcher. “I know what I’m doing,� she says, which is probably second on the list of famous last words after Custer’s “Where’d all these Indians come from?�

Back in the flashback we see Ana Lucia in her uniform on her first day back on the force. She walks into her captain’s office. When the captain gives her her assignment Ana Lucia is pissed because it’s a desk job. She can’t shoot things from behind a desk, goddamit. Ana Lucia, in her own charming way, demands to be put on the street. The captain refuses because she was in an “officer related shooting.� Ana Lucia then asks her if she’s just doing this because she’s her mother. So the captain is her mother. Interesting. She says she can’t put her back on the street because that would let everyone know she pulled strings for her daughter. And then five seconds later she signs the paperwork that lets her back on the street. This Cortez family is all about integrity isn’t it?

Back on the beach we see Jack filling his canteen with water when a golf ball comes flying into the water trough. Oh. My. God. The Others are back and they golf. Oh wait; it was just Kate hitting balls on the beach with Hurley and Charlie. When Jack shows up and starts to give Kate tips they end up betting each other who can do better at golf. The air is positively thick with sexual tension. I love it when they get all Hepburn/Tracy with each other.

Back on the unhappy part of the island Sayid is finally coming to and he’s tied to a tree. He starts screaming at Ana Lucia to untie him but before she can answer Eko grabs Sawyer, slings him over his shoulder and starts to leave. When Ana Lucia pleads with him to stay, he ignores her and walks off. The fact that Ana Lucia doesn’t shoot him doesn’t register with the rest of them as they all still stay there cowering.

Back in flashback land we see Ana Lucia hitting the streets again in her patrol car. She’s pissed that her mom/captain assigned her to an easy neighborhood like Westwood. How dare she not give her even more special treatment? And she calls herself a Cortez? But all that is moot as soon she takes a call outside their patrol area on a domestic disturbance, the lifeblood of every COPS episode. When they get to the scene and see a couple arguing Ana Lucia immediately takes out her gun and orders everyone on the ground. Her partner starts yelling at her and ordering her to holster her weapon. Wasn’t this supposed to be the episode that made Ana Lucia more sympathetic? Yeah well they’re doing a piss poor job of it so far.

Cut to present day and we see Ana Lucia sitting on a stump rocking back and forth. She has officially lost it and I for one am lapping it up like gravy with a biscuit. Libby tells her she should let Sayid go but she refuses. Michael goes to give him water and catches him up on who they are, what happened to Walt etc. Then Michael tells him that he’s now gone a day without screaming Walt’s name at the top of his lungs for no reason, and he’s starting to get a little antsy.

Back on the golfing range the cutesy flirting continues unabated. Kate hits a great shot and when it's Jack's turn he hooks it. When he goes off to search for his ball in the woods he comes upon Eko carrying Sawyer.

In the hatch we see Locke doing a crossword puzzle while doing “button duty.� The clue for 42 down is “Enkidu's friend� and the answer is “Gilgamesh." Gilgamesh is of course an ancient Sumerian king and also one of the bosses from Final Fantasy V, easily defeated as long as you use your healing spells judiciously. What is even more interesting is Enkidu was described as a “mythical wild-man raised by animals.� Interesting, no?

As he's filling in the answer Locke is interrupted as Jack, Eko and Sawyer enter the hatch. Jack throws Sawyer in the shower to cool off his fever and he has Kate go get him fresh sheets. Because sick people like the feel of fresh sheets. Outside in the hallway Locke stumbles across Eko and they both exchange quizzical hello’s.

Meanwhile in the jungle Bernard is trying to reason with Ana Lucia. When he tries to plead with her to leave she asks him “How long have I kept you alive out here Bernard? Yeah that’s right. So cut me some slack.� Nice, now Ana Lucia is taking credit for keeping everyone alive. Conveniently ignoring the fact that most of the people from the tail were taken away by The Others. She doesn’t exactly have a great batting average here.

Is it me or does she look much taller dead?

When Libby asks her what her plan is, Sayid says “She has no plan. She only has her guilt. And the gun.� Good point.

With that Ana Lucia tells Michael to go to the camp and she demands he bring back a box of ammo, some blankets and a change of clothes, a cowboy hat and a Scooby Doo Chia Pet. Michael, seeing as how he has a gun pointed at him, reluctantly agrees.

In the flashback we see Ana Lucia and her partner getting back to the station arguing over Ana Lucia’s propensity to shoot first and ask questions never. Before they can get into it they are interrupted by a detective saying they got her "guy."

When they bring her into the lineup room to ID the guy, Ana Lucia’s mother explains how they have all sorts of evidence against him and all they need is for her ID. Apparently this is the guy that shot Ana Lucia four times in the chest. Dumb jerk should’ve gone for a head shot. Ana Lucia says it isn’t the guy, even though he confessed. When Ana Lucia still says it isn’t him they let him go. I’m confused. If they have his prints and a confession, how is it they let him go again? Because Ana Lucia said it wasn’t him? That takes precedence over an actual confession and fingerprint evidence? I want to move to this town. Especially now since we now it’s a lot safer knowing Ana Lucia is safely stranded on a desert island.

In the hatch, Locke is asking Eko questions about what happened. Eko says there was an accident and someone was shot and killed. Locke asks why the others haven’t come with them. He simply says “they cannot come back right now.�

Meanwhile Jack is tending to Sawyer who's gone septic and they need to force feed him antibiotics. When Jack's first attempt fails Kate whispers in his ear and is able to have him take the medicine. Whatever, she still forfeited the golf game.

Back in the jungle Bernard has discovered his long lost testicles and tells Ana Lucia he’s leaving. With that everyone else follows suit and it leaves only Ana Lucia and Sayid alone together in the woods. This reminds me of that episode of Dukes of Hazard when Uncle Jessie and Boss Hog got locked in a safe together and finally came to be friends. But then once they were freed Boss Hog still tried to foreclose on the Duke's mortgage. He was such a little shit.

In the jungle we see Michael running and he stumbles across Sun working in her garden. The look on her face is either surprise or disgust since Michael is now going on about a week with the same clothes on and no bath and he must be ripe with a capital R. He tells her he has no time to explain and he needs to see Jack right away.

In the hatch Jack is interrogating Eko but he’s not talking. Soon Michael is there and he explains everything to them. Jack then starts loading up some shotguns and prepares to go out there and get Sayid back. Locke is cautioning them to think things over first. Eko then stands up and asks them what they want. Is it revenge? Jack says he just wants to get his people back. When he mentions Ana Lucia’s name Jack is taken aback because he met her briefly before the plane took off, and they had a drink together. Eko then agrees to take them to her as long as they leave the guns behind.

Over in the jungle Ana Lucia is interrogating Sayid. When he asks her if she is going to kill him, she responds by saying “should I?� Sayid’s only response is that 40 days ago he tortured a man, just like he has tortured hundreds of other men in the past. Not to be outdone in the story time hour, Ana Lucia then tells her story of how she accidentally let her guard down while on a burglary call and was shot. Ever since then she feels dead. Then Sayid shoots back with "Oh yeah, well my dad could totally beat up your dad," to which Ana Lucia says "na-uh" and then Sayid responds with "yeah-huh infinity," and then Ana Lucia says "na-uh infinity plus one," and so on and so forth. When Sayid then asks what happened to the man who shot her we go back to the flashback and find out for ourselves.

Ana Lucia is in a bar watching the man play pool. When he goes out to his car she follows him out there and tells him “I was pregnant� before shooting him point blank in the chest. Damn. And then when he’s on the ground she finishes the job by putting three more in his head. Double damn. I can’t believe he deprived that woman of reproducing. We need more Ana Lucias in this world.

Back in the jungle Ana Lucia lies and simply says “they never found him� which makes me think perhaps she cut up the body and ate it, because at this point she’s capable of anything.

Ana Lucia then cuts Sayid free and tells him he can do what he wants. Sayid says it’s no good killing her, since they are both already dead. He then goes over to Shannon’s body and cradles her in his arms.

Back in the hatch Kate is telling Sawyer that everything will be OK. We then see Michael walk up the beach as Vincent runs over to greet him. And we also see Bernard’s tearful reunion with his wife. Even Jin and Sun happily reunite. And there’s not a dry eye in the Hill household. Then we end the episode as Jack and Eko meet Sayid in the jungle holding Shannon’s lifeless body. As he walks past them, Jack and Ana Lucia look at each other and we fade to black.

So what did everyone else think? Will Sawyer get better? What will Sayid do? Is anyone else curious about what Ana Lucia’s Match.com profile says? And does anyone else notice those weird Arbor Day commercials that show up every week?

Posted by EdHIll at 3:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (93)

• OMG, the gays really are destroying marriage. As everyone except perhaps Marlee Matlin has heard by now, Nick and Jessica are officially no longer, as are Talan and Kimberly. The former was reported here on TVgasm last week, but I'm still in shock, and reposting the news helps me move on. [E! online, E! online]
• And Pat Morita, a.k.a. Mr. Miyagi, passed away Thursday at age 73. Since there are no houseflies in heaven, he can use his chopsticks on worthier targets, like those goddamn Lunesta moths. [CNN]

Posted by at 1:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

It looks like the streak of good writing has kept up with Desperate Housewives because we once again were treated to a good episode last week. Hopefully this means they finally hit their stride, and we can only expect bigger and better things all season. Also, this episode marks the first appearance of actor Nashawn Kearse, after cast member Page Kennedy was fired for showing people his dingleberries. And unlike fellow guest star Bob Newhart, he didn’t have enough celebrity juice to sweep it under the carpet. You’d be amazed how many people Newhart has teabagged on the set, and yet he continues on the show unscathed. I heard it from a guy who knows a guy. First though I must apologize for the lateness of the recap. I can only blame the tryptophane-induced coma I’ve been in since earlier this week.

The show starts as everyone is at a neighborhood watch meeting after last week's escape of Caleb, who kind of sort of attacked Gabrielle and made her fall down the stairs. When someone mentions that they should hire security, Betty Applewhite starts playing the piano which distracts everyone. Then later when someone mentioned that the kid looked a lot like Betty Applewhite, she started dangling a shiny tin foil ball, which also distracted everyone. She’s good.

Unfortunately what we’ve suspected from last week is confirmed. Gabrielle had a miscarriage. She’s not exactly taking it hard however as we see her throwing out all the baby clothes and going off to shop without blinking an eye. Over at prison, Carlos is dealing with his grief in a much more Carlos-y way. By punching things. He sits down to talk to Gabrielle and his hands are bloody from ripping up a mattress and he’s been tranquilized. What’s worse is in ripping up the mattress he illegally removed the mattress tags, thus adding another six months to his sentence. When he sees that Gabrielle is showing no emotion about the miscarriage he starts to get that “gay bashing� vibe we’ve all come to know so well and before long he is carted away to his cell where he will no doubt download music illegally or tape a baseball game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball.

Susan meanwhile is approaching Mike with another excuse to have a conversation. She is asking him if he will show up to her mother's wedding tomorrow to Bob Newhart. He says no, and then when she continues to try and make small talk he starts dumping leaves by her feet in a not-so-subtle hint for her to leave. When she starts talking about her father and how he died in Vietnam in a battle with the merchant marines, Mike points out that the story makes no sense and could never have happened. Which is true and yet I don’t find it difficult to believe that Susan never questioned it for all of her 48 years on this earth.

When we see Lynette coming home from a long day's work she noitices both her twins are outside playing in the street. When she gets inside she confronts Tom about leaving the kids out on the street unattended. When Tom sees they snuck out without him seeing, he tells her not to worry because kids will be kids. He swears to her that he can watch them safely. In order to prove that the next day he brings Lynette into the living room where he shows that he has taught the kids to say no to getting in a car with strangers. But Lynette isn’t buying it. Soon this will lead to this week's “Lynette lies to her family� moment of the week.

As Bree is cutting out coupons in the newspaper she notices that her and George’s wedding announcement is in the paper. When she goes to confront him at the pharmacy, he claims that he “forgot� to take it out of the paper. Bree of course buys it, but as she’s leaving George notices that she isn’t wearing her engagement ring, and in his not-so-subtle insane “do it or I’ll eat your eyes out� way he insists that she wear the ring. Bree puts it on for him, smiles and walks off.

Over at the Solis house Gabrielle is surprised to find a giant Mexican standing outside her house. His name is Hector, and he’s been sent to look in on her. She freaks out and tells him to leave. He says that he’ll give her her space, and then drives off. Something tells me we’ll see him again soon. Or it could just be a random plot point that goes nowhere and makes no sense. But my instincts tell me differently.

As Bree is working in her yard (and looking immaculate, as usual) a woman comes up to her and tells her they have to talk. She saw the announcement in the paper and says that she used to date George and is there to warn her. It seems George has a history of being insanely jealous. Which is weird because up until know he’s just been known as being murderously insane. Apparently there are numerous facets to George’s insanity. Perhaps he’s also insanely neat, or insanely devoted to watching reruns of Knight Rider. I know I am.

When she tells Bree about how George used to hit her and set an ex-boyfriend’s car on fire, Bree won’t hear it and tells her to leave her house immediately. Later she confronts George in the pharmacy and tells him about Leila's visit. George says to ignore her, that she is a liar and mentally unstable. In order to prove this he goes over and prints out her medical records on file with the pharmacy, showing her on all sorts of antidepressants and antipsychotics. This pharmacy rules. She reluctantly says she believes him but as she walks away we see her surreptitiously take off her engagement ring and put it into her purse. Who knows what it was that tipped her off; perhaps it was having George illegally show her someone else’s medical records. But that’s not all, we then see George switching the name back on the medical record. It seems he switched names on the printout to trick her into thinking Leila is crazy.

At Susan’s mother’s rehearsal dinner, Susan confronts Sophie about her dad’s story on a picturesque bridge overlooking some swans. Susan did some checking and can’t find any evidence that her dad was ever in the Marines. Sophie storms off refusing to answer her questions and inexplicably the scene does not end in a catfight with one of them falling over the bridge into the water. That’s so unlike Susan.

Later in Morty’s car he tells Susan that Sophie went home. Morty has about six lines of dialogue in this scene but since this is Bob Newhart we are talking about, the scene goes on for about eight minutes when you include all the repeated words and “ahhs� and “umms.� The truth is that Susan is the result of a one night stand and Sophie never had the heart to tell her. Knowing Susan, her real father will most likely turn out to be Bozo the Clown.

Susan later apologizes to her mother saying she know realizes she was only lying to protect her. They hug and all is well. But you know it won’t be. Knowing this show I expect some sort of huge scene on her wedding day.

When we see Gabrielle walking out of her house she is surprised to find Hector sitting on her porch. He’s asking why she has spent the last few days doing nothing but shopping when she just lost her baby. He says that he never heard of “shopping out the pain.� I sure have. In fact I plan on going nuts at the Christmas Tree Shop this week to mourn the end of November sweeps. You can get like four Santa candy bowls for like four bucks there! It’s so awesome.

At Lynnette’s office she confronts her co-worker Stu, who I can only assume is Jim Carrey’s younger brother since they look exactly alike, and says she has a job for him. She wants him to kidnap her kids. Yep, in order to prove a point to her husband she is going to have Stu kidnap her kids in broad daylight in front of her house. Can’t imagine seeing that go wrong.

When Stu rolls up to the kids and tells them if they get in the car he will give them candy, they go running to him. One they are in the car Mrs. McClusky, Lynette’s bitchy next door neighbor, comes up to Stu and starts tasering him. All sorts of Jim Carrey-esque flailing occurs. And as stupid as it looks it’s still ten times more entertaining than Lemony Snicket.

Soon to be seen starring in Dumb And Dumber, The College Years

At Morty and Sophie's wedding reception, Sophie is giving her speech, and when she looks over at Susan she breaks down and admits, in front of everyone, that her dad wasn’t a one night stand. He was her married boss named Addison Prudy and he works just across town. That’s right, Susan’s real name is Susan Prudy. That fits. Susan, doing what she does best, storms off. I need to start doing that more in my day to day life. Just storm out at the end of conversations. It would make things so much more interesting.

At a chic restaurant we see Bree and George having dinner. When George sees she's not wearing her ring he asks her where it is. She says that the stone was loose and she wants to get it fixed. He still insists she wears it, and he looks dangerously close to a full on meltdown. Before they can continue the conversation Bree is interrupted by a former college boyfriend. When she introduces him to George and notices a jealous look in is eye Bree decides to test out a theory about what Leila said to him earlier. He asks Ty, the former boyfriend, to dance. Within a few seconds George grabs the engagement ring, storms over to Bree and in a fit of rage tells her that she has to wear the ring. She has to wear the precioussss. Then he grabs her hand and starts trying to shove it on her. Shove it on the filthy Hobbitses finger! When Bree finally sees the true George she tells him that the engagement is off. When George goes outside later, he manages to get Ty’s car from the valet and drives off with it. Later we see him in a field as the car is burning. That’ll teach them. That’ll teach the stupid fat hobbit to not wear the preciousss.

Meanwhile at Gabrielle’s, Hector is still hanging around. When she tells him that she will give him a thousand dollars to go away he says OK, but first they have to go to his bank to cash the check. That sounds perfectly reasonable. Let's just get in the stranger's dingy-looking car and drive off. Even Lynette's kids are not stupid enough to do that without at least being given candy first. When she gets in the car, he locks the doors and tells her that he isn’t here to watch over her at all.

Instead of some creepy basement with a gimp locked in a suitcase, Hector takes her to the park and gives her a balloon. It seems that Carlos sent him to help her with her grief. And by releasing the balloon it will be acknowledging and releasing her grief as well. When she tries to let go of the balloon she finds she can’t and becomes overcome with emotion. She then says she was going to name the baby Charlie, and lets go of the balloon.

Finally, on Wisteria Lane, Mike goes to check on his dog barking and sees that its Caleb version 2.0 in his yard. He runs him down and tackles him. When the police arrive they put him in the back of the car and as he is being taken away we see Betty Applewhite holding her finger to her mouth telling him to keep quiet.

So what did you think? Do you think the show will continue its streak of good writing, or devolve into more silliness? We'll find out next week. Or actually tonight, since this recap was so late....

Posted by EdHIll at 7:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (23)

Quite obviously I am very far behind on my posting this year, and yes, once again Smallville gets the shaft. It's not that I want it to turn out that way, it's just that I have to watch it at the same time as everybody else, and by the time I get around to recapping, well, you know the rest. In an ideal world, networks would send us DVDs a week in advance, I'd agree not to write any reviews early, and they would get lots of free puiblicity. I am not really sure if Kristing Kreuk is filming something else at the moment, but iright now she is on the every other episode schedule. Overall, that's not a bad thing, because after Clark and Lana finally did the nasty, everybody is kind of glad that it happened, and would rather get back to the time when Lana wasn't infecting too many story lines. I would like to make an exception for when promiscious supernatural forces invade her body; those times are always fun. Anyway, after Clark went crazy and nearly killed Lana last week, it was Martha Kent's turn to take a turn for the worse. Would she be the dead loved one Jor-El warned Clark about? Something tells me we were going to find out by the end of the episode, let's see if my hunch was correct.

I remember from the previews last week that this week was going to be a heavy product placement episode featuring the Ford Fusion. The product placement was obvious, but the writers had plenty of time to work it in without being overly distracting, although it only took them about 30 seconds to first mention the car. Lois is driving Martha Kent home, and Mrs. Kent takes some time to reflect on how proud she is of Lois. She has her own apartment and has a brand new car in a color I think they call underoo red. Lois says she is proud of her new car as well, but she said part of the reason she bought it was that she might screw up again and end up end up having to live in her car, as if the Kent's wouldn't let them back on the farmhouse to terrorize Clark and keep him and Lana from sleeping in their house. It almost makes me wonder why there hasn't been a scene where Chloe walks in on Clark and Lana in the dorm room. Chloe's always working at the Daily Planet, so she's gone, and Lana is always in her room studying. I am not saying I need to see any more of the Lana/Clark non-existent physical chemistry, I'm just amazed it hasn't happened.

But whatever, as Lois drives away and Martha is taking some groceries back into the house, she sees a some lights in the sky, then an explosion, and she is knocked over by some sort of energy wave. Whatever happened was loud enough that Clark heard it from the barn. He rushed out to find his mom unconscious in the driveway. She attributed it all to having not eaten that day, and when the doctors checked her out the day after, everything seemed to be just fine, or at least her vital signs were normal. Still, Clark knew that Jor-El promised to make somebody close to him pay for giving him back his powers, and he wondered if it was going to be his mom that was picked to go.

To make sure everything was natural and not some sort of phenomenon, Clark saw Chloe at the daily planet to figure out if the weather people noticed any sort of funny events the day before. There was, of course, nothing on the radar to indicate anything that happened, and while that makes Clark feel a little better, he explains why he thinks Jor-El might be behind all of this. He promised that one of Clark's loved ones would die, and now he has come to collect. There's only one person on the planet (that we know of), that knows more about Krypton than Clark, and that is Professor Fine. Granted, Clark knows jack about Krypton, so knowing more than Clark isn't that hard, but Professor Fine helped Clark with the silver Kryptonite (although we are pretty sure he also set about poisoning him), so why not see if he can help him with this latest bit of trouble.

When Clark first goes to talk to Professor Fine saying that he wants to know more about Jor-El, Fine is pleased, but wants to make sure that Clark gets the whole story with the proper context. Remember, it was many weeks ago during Clark's first class when Professor Fine that he was talking about history and it's context. History is often defined by the people who survive to write it down and pass it on to the next generation. He wanted to take time with Clark and start at the very beginning, but Clark wasn't really ready to play games. If his mom's life was in danger, he wanted to know as soon as possible.

So Professor Fine wanted Clark to wait, but it looks like Clark's choices were going to be a lot easier in just a little while. Clark never told his parents how he was suddenly cured from his affliction last week, but he wanted to tell them the truth about Professor Fine because he wanted to ask Professor Fine for his help with Martha. Jonathan is very protective of people learning Clark's secret, and so he is really upset that Clark decided to trust Professor Fine. If everything was true and Professor Fine was from Krypton, it doesn't mean that Jonathan is going to trust him. There has only been one person from Krypton who isn't completely obsessed with destroying the human race, and that is Clark. The rest are just a little elitist and take a little too much about their master race to be very comfortable.

Jonathan may be ready to condemn an entire race based on a few bad examples, but Martha is saying that you can't judge an entire people like that, and reminds him that Clark is Kryptonian. Saying that all Kryptonians are mad killers is just a stereotype. It would be like saying that all bloggers have nothing better to do on a Saturday night than write about television shows nine days old.Thats craaaaazy! Before Martha got a good chance to discuss the holistic approach to understand Kryptonian politics, she suddenly lost all feeling in her hand, dropping a dish. She felt a pain in her shoulder, and when she went to look, we saw that she had some sort of an infection. Once again, Martha was rushed to the hospital, but other than giving her some antibiotics and telling her to rest, there wasn't much that they could do. Once again, Clark goes to search for Professor Fine.

At the Daily Planet, Chloe is about to go on a little search of her own. Our girls has been doing some good work because she has moved up out of the basement, and although she is doing wedding announcements and obituaries, she is ambitious, and you know she is going to go far. When Lionel comes to visit Chloe and give her some congratulations, you can understand why she is a little wary. As much as we know Chloe hurts from seeing Lana and Clark together, her heartbreak over Clark was once so bad, she accepted an offer from Lionel to investigate Clark. She is loyal, and I don't believe she would tell anybody about Clark if it meant her life, but you might wonder if some of her 'til the death loyalty stems from a teeny bit of guilt from that original betrayal.

Lionel says that he has a story for Chloe that will get her far. He knows that she has a curiosity and aptitude for strange things, and he has something for her. He knows of a person at Central Kansas that can run at nearly the speed of light, can lift a car with one hand, and can start fire with a stare. Chloe plays dumb and says that would be a good story, but how could Lionel be asking Chloe to investigate Clark once again? And seriously, I know that Lionel is a changed man, but he did once try and kill Chloe by blowing her up when she was in witness protection(actually, he was acquitted of killing his parents, was he ever charged with witness tampering?). I know he was never acquitted, and I don't know the avoidance etiquette when somebody has attempted to kill you to stop you from testifying in their murder trial, but I have to say Lionel should at least give her a couple of years before acting like nothing happened, right? It looks like Chloe has nothing to worry about, however, because Lionel isn't describing Clark, he is describing Professor Fine.

We aren't sure how Lionel knows Professor Fine, but that really doesn't worry Clark. When he sees Professor Fine a second time, he demands some answers this time. The truth that Clark hears is much worse than he could have expected. Jor-el was an evil dictator who locked up anybody who disagreed with him, including the name of a populist named General Zod. He would torture people who disagreed with him, including infecting people with a disease similar to the one that afflicts Martha Kent. Oh, and he destroyed the planet and let billions of people die so he could send his son to earth and create a new Krypton for everybody to live. With this new information, Clark takes Professor Fine to help his mother. Her condition is so bad that she has seizures. Since it is a krypton disease, one way to treat it is with a meteor rock. Unfortunately, it can only help the symptoms; it is not a cure and Martha has only a few hours to live before the infection spreads and kills her completely.

At this time, Clark tells his father why he thinks this isn't a normal disease. Although Jonathan is upset that Clark didn't tell him about the deal Jor-El made with him, there is nothing much that he can do and Clark goes to the fortress of solitude to beg Jor-el to spare his mother. Jor-el insists that he did Martha no harm and there is nothing that Clark can do to change fate, at least until he learns how to fly and rotate the earth in the opposite direction. Instead, Clark goes back to see his mother.The disease has spread, and it looks like it is some necrosis of the flesh. You would have expect her to be an extra on some bad zombie movie. Clark can do nothing but tell her how much he loves her. Martha sees how much the guilt is affecting Clark and tells him that he has given her so much happiness and that he has become a wonderful man, and that was really all that she ever hoped. As an adoptive parent, all Martha Kent wanted to do was for her son to always love her like he was her own, and she knows that is the case, and seems like she is ready to die.

Once again, we cut back to the daily planet. Chloe hasn't really been able to get much on Professor Fine, even though she followed him and was wearing a trench coat. OK, it was really more of a penchcacket, which is a pea coat/trench coat/jacket hybrid (yeah, I just made it up), but it looked like a Morty Seinfeld original, maybe even more popular than the executive. Lois comes to visit, because she needs Chloe's help. Lex is running for office, and the thought of Lex getting his hands into government scares her. He had been taking campaign pictures at the Talon, and he doesn't really like Lois as much as he liked Lana. Lois had tried to warn him that people might dig up information on him, but he told her that he had nothing to hide and that he didn't appreciate taking advice from a muffin peddling college dropout.

Now there is a lot of punishment that Lois takes. She did let her cousin convince her to become a stripper for a night to help another dead stripper, and she knows Lex is her boss, but she can't let him win. She knows that Lex stayed in a mental institution, and thinks that if they can come up with something, they might be able to derail his campaign. The only problem, of course, is that Lex hides his secrets and has been able to buy off so many people, it's almost as if he's living in an alternate reality where the rules don't apply. Chloe tells this to Lois and although her cousin isn't happy, Chloe convinces her to become a sidekick and help her get into a Luthorcorp warehouse.

Driving up to the Luthorcorp warehouse, we get out second little Ford Fusion commercial of the night. Lois drives up to the guard tower, pretending to look for directions, and she needs to create a diversion. Normally, this is when Lois would try to seduce her way into a distraction, but with her new Ford Fusion, there is no need to do that. The car is so very sexy that the guard is wowed by it. But why stop at just a look? Why not get in and see how if feels behind the wheel. Listen to the stereo! While I didn't have an urge to go buy this car, we didn't have to sit through this very long until Chloe found her way inside.

The warehouse they chose was the same one Chloe saw Professor Fine approach. Once inside, she saw the black spaceship, which was probably strange enough, but then she saw the black ooze that we now know is Professor fine assemble himself. Chloe knows that Professor Fine is interested in Clark, and she knows that she needs to tell him this information, but before any of that can happen, Chloe is caught by a security guard. Everything is about to go to shit, but that could never happen with the Ford Fusion on the scene. Lois knocks out her guard, motors towards the warehouse (breaking through the barrier, proving the quality workmanship of the Ford Fusion) where Chloe is also able to subdue her captor, jump into Lois' car and drive off. Luckily the Ford Fusion is very powerful so they can make their getaway.

Chloe makes it to the Kent farm, and when she gets there, Jonathan lets him know that he went to see Professor Fine. Not knowing what to do, Chloe goes to the caves and sees that Clark has left the octagonal spaceship piece behind, which means he must be at his fortress of solitude. Chloe uses it herself, which is pretty ballsy because if Clark wasn't there, she would just freeze to death. Her hunch was correct, however, and she came upon a scene that she wasn't expecting.

Earlier Clark had said that he would do anything to stop his mother's death. Professor Fine told him that the way Jor-El is able to work his magic on earth was because the fortress of solitude was acting as a conduit for him into this world. Together they go there, and Professor Fine give him a black crystal which he says will destroy the fortress of solitude and with it Jor-El's control on him once and for all. Clark is able to place the crystal, and it seems to work, but immediately after, Professor Fine holds up some Kryptonite to stop Clark. Since Fine is holding the meteor rock, it means that he isn't a living Kryptonian, and we clearly see that he duped Clark into thinking his father was a tyrant so he could convince him that the fortress of solitude needed to be destroyed.

This whole time Fine was lying. General Zod was the tyrant, and Fine was his minion, and he caused Clark's mom's disease. His worked finished, Professor fine placed a meteor rock on top of Clark's chest, watched as a portal opened and anticipated the return of General Zod. Luckily for Clark, Chloe walks in, sees his predicament, and throws the Kryptonite away. Clark is able to take the black crystal out of the little fortress control center, shutting the portal, and giving him a chance to fight Fine. I thought the fight could have been longer, but it was more like Tyson vs. McNeely, or maybe Tyson vs. Bruno. Whatever the case, Clark finished him off by impaling Professor Fine on some crystals in the Fotress. Professor Fine dies, and with him, Martha Kent is cured and the black spaceship disappears.

I thought this was a good episode, although I had hoped that Professor Fine was going to become a much better foe, but in the comics since Professor Fine, or Braniac as his villain is know to superheroes, is sometimes described as just an artificial intelligence, and so it is possible that he could inhabit another body (as if there isn't enough body snatching in this series already). Clark was furious when the ship disappeared, and immediately blamed his father, who had visited him earlier in the episode to warn him about becoming too obsessive about aliens. It's just not good for elected officials to be talking crazy alien invasion or whatnot. Lionel does want to keep Lex out of power, or at least keep him from reaching such a pinnacle that Lionel is not able to knock him down again, but he had nothing to do with the spacecraft vanishing.

Clark learned a valuable lesson about who to trust, and with friend like Chloe, you know he is always going to have faith in humans. Although there wasn't anything that gave us any insight into who was really going to to die, at least there wasn't any Chloe is going to die foreshadowing quotes this week. Then again, she did spark Lois' interest in journalism. Lois resisted, but don't you think that a good way for her to plunge herself into the trade would be trying to find out how her cousin died? That curiosity brought her to Smallville in the first place.

What did you think of the episode? Will they find a way to give us some more James Marsters? Will Jonathan or Lex win the election?

Posted by at 11:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

It's gettin' down to the wire on The Amazing Race: Family Edition, and with only four teams left and something like thirty-four episode before the finale, it looks like we'll be facing quite a few non-eliminations. Okay, to be fair, we only have three more weeks before this most regrettable of seasons wraps up, and I wouldn't be surprised if the producers throw in one of those sneaky non non-elimination rounds. You know what I'm talking about: the teams show up at the mat only to discover THE LEG ISN'T OVER! To be continued! Oh well, no use trying to predict what may or may not happen. For now, we might as well look back on this week's installment, which would have been quite good had the final outcome not been so predictable (or disappointing). The crazy Weaver family was in full hypocritical effect, which always makes things entertaining. As much as I hate them, without their cheery dunderheadedness, I don't know what we'd do.

The episode began with the Godlewskis racing out of the Pitstop first. Their destination: Monument Valley, Utah. Whoohooo! More America! Okay, okay, I'll drop it. No use complaining over what's already done. Anyway, the Godlewskis hopped into a little boat where Chrissy yelled, "C'mon!!! DIG IN!!!"

"Chrissy, relax!" replied an annoyed Michelle. Oh, don't be such a hater, Meeshy. Why can't you "dig in" when you lower yourself one foot into the boat. C'MON! DO IT!!!

Of course, any avid viewer of this team would know that Michelle and her sisters -- especially Sharon -- love to treat poor Christine like a mangy dog hunting for table scraps. "Going into the race, I thought we were all going to be able to like talk and discuss and get to know each other more personally," said a naive Chrissy. "Was I maybe fooling myself? Possibly." Face it, Christine. You only did the race for the free backpack.

Anyway, let's hear what the evil stepsisters have to say about Cinderella. "Chris just talks everyday," complained Sharon.

"I think she has a quota of words that have to come out of her mouth. It's just like SHUT UP!" bemoaned Michelle. Wow, a goofy chatterbox named Chrissy? Why, I never!

Well, the Linzes left the Pitstop second, but because they really didn't have anything fascinating to say, we'll just move onto team #3: God's flavorite bunch of daffy devotees, the Weavers. Commence self-aggrandizing... NOW!

"The world we live in is obviously not loving and kind; so I think we're just sticking out because we're not as like crude," explained eldest dimwit daughter Rebecca. So apparently throwing garbage at another team does not count as crude. (Maybe it's more rude than crude.) Nevertheless, Linda reiterated her daughter's point, saying, "It's just so against our beliefs just to keep being treated so rudely." I wonder, does anyone actually believe in being treated rudely? Well, as a family sensitive to the way they are received, I'm sure the Weavers will in turn act in a manner that represents their values and beliefs. The higher road, if you will. What's that old Christian tenet? Love thy neighbor as thyself?

Next out the gate were the Bransens -- the lovable, sweet, perky, yet boring Bransens. For this leg of the race, they informed us that they'd be more aggressive. Hmmm... for some reason, when I think of WalDER, "aggressive" isn't the first word that jumps into my mind. He's less Road Runner and more that dog that says "Oh Davey..."

Anyway, the top three teams eventually made their way to Monument Valley, and all three managed to zip right by the turn-off. Now, normally a U-Turn wouldn't be that exciting, but for this leg of the race, the producers had attached giant campers to the SUVs, which meant the simple act of making a right turn took on a whole new level of chaos. But then again, if Paris Hilton could commandeer an Airstream trailer on The SImple Life 2, I'd like to think these families could handle their unwieldy campers. Nevertheless, the Weavers and Linzes turned their vehicles around with a minimal amount of drama (and praying to Jesus). The Godlewskis, on the other hand, had a good amount of difficulty, thanks to the fearless but inept leadership of Chrissy who managed to make our ears bleed all over again as she yelled, "Go SLOW! Crank it hard!! Okay, STAAAAAAPPPP!!!"

Well, this delay allowed for the Weavers to pass the Godlewskis, causing the Chrissy to yell, "OH! THEY'RE COMING, YOU GUYS!!!" Of course, mere text does not do justice to Chrissy's nails-on-chalkboard voice, but let's just say that three champagne glasses in the TVgasm offices simultaneously shattered. Meanwhile, as the Weavers passed by the opposition, Rolly sneered at Chrissy and derisively told him family, "See that little Desperate Housewife?" But seriously, they don't believe in being rude.

Eventually, everyone arrived at the next cluebox which directed two members of each team to take a helicopter ride up to the top of a butte. However, only two teams could ride at a time, and therefore, families had to pick a number, first come first serve style. Well, even though they arrived second, the Linzes dawdled and wound up with the third number, which meant they'd have to wait for the Godlewskis and Weavers to go up and back. That's okay. Nothing really important happened here anyway. The only significant thing to come out of this whole butte diversion was that the Godlewskis and Linzes reiterated that if there were a Yield ahead, whoever arrived first would use it on the Weavers.

Moving onwards and upwards, teams then had to race to Moab Utah and find Gemini Bridges, which were some more lovely rocky outcroppings. All these landscapes have been truly beautiful, but I have to say, this show is steadily turning into The Amazing Race: Canyon Edition. Nevertheless, the Weavers got to work backing their trailer out of the parking lot, and for a brief moment, a certain amount of dread befell me. After all, this was the Weavers we were talking about, a.k.a. the most unlucky family EVER when it comes to things with wheels (Carissa Gaghan excluded). Would the Weavers accidentally back into a tractor trailer? Or would they simply roll off into a canyon? Neither, actually. Jesus guided the family through the process, and the Weavers made it out of the parking lot alive and well.

As happy as the Weavers were to be on the road again, it was nothing compared to hyperactive Tommy Linz who began banging the side of the car and making unintelligible noises in excitement. "Bone, we're gonna get you a helmet," his brother said. I really don't have anything funny to say about that. I just really like the Linzes.

Later, on the open road, the Weaver family displayed some of that loving, tolerant, and optimistic charm that's made all their fellow Christians proud, I'm sure. "I am not digging Utah right now," Rebecca complained. She was echoed by sister Rachel who noted, "Whoever says the world is getting overpopulated should come to Utah." And now Rolly for the hat trick: "It's like hundred of thousands of miles of nothing at all. God must have spent a little less time on this state." Yes, it's the trifecta of obnoxious ignorance! Yay!

Now, to be fair, everyone's entitled to not like a state, even make barbs about it. And honestly, had the Linzes said the exact same thing, chances are we wouldn't be making a stink about it. But when a family puts itself on a moral pedestal and says that they just don't know why people are treating them so rudely -- with the implication being that they never would act rudely to anyone else -- then they're gonna get a whole lotta shit from a whole lotta people.

Luckily, the Weavers spent so much time bashing Utah that they forgot to step on the gas, and so the Linzes overtook the "Weaver-butts," and in a flurry of Wizard of Oz references, ultimately wished a house would fall on top of Linda. Well, if the house has wheels, it's a very distinct possibility. Meanwhile, our old friends the Bransens pondered what would be in store for them next in Moab. The girls were crossing their fingers for something risky or adventurous. As for Wally, he'd probably be happiest if the task involved controlling a model train set or something. "I could go for something tranquil and, uh, boring," he said. Really?? I never would have thought that! Oh WalDER!

Over in the Godlewski caravan, Chrissy piped up and asked, "Isn't it easier navigating in the U.S.?" Yeah, and that's why this season SUCKS!

Anyway, the teams arrived at Gemini Bridges where they found the Detour: drop down or ride down. Basically, it was a choice between rappelling down a cliff or trekking for six miles with a dirt bike. The Linzes opted to rappel, and as young Tommy scaled down the cliff, Nick told us, "If we lose a teammate, it's gonna be him. We'll turn around and do the bikes." He then let out his hearty, maniacal laugh, which has become a welcome tradition in recent episodes of the race. The Linzes are the bestest.

Meanwhile, as the Weavers approached the Detour, we paused briefly to get a quick geography lesson. "I haven't even heard one thing about Utah," said an educationally impaired Rachel.

"I have. Mormons live here," Linda pointed out, as if it were some big crazy secret.

"For real?" asked an incredulous Rachel.

"Utah is the Mormon state," Linda reiterated.

"No wonder!" Rachel said. You learn something new every day! Or, well, I guess if you're the Weavers, it's more like every month. Two months maybe. Well, the fam arrived and opted to go biking, which meant a whole new set of whining complaints. "I don't think Lance Armstrong could make it through this," moaned one of the daughters. Yes, I'm sure Lance Armstrong could never tackle those six semi-rugged miles of flat terrain. I mean, he's not a robot!

Arriving third at the Detour were the Bransens, and even though Wally wanted to go biking, his daughters were chomping at the bit for some hardcore rappelling action. "I have a fear of heights," he explained, "but they really want the experience, and I want them to have the experience." Awww. WalDER! Such a good dad.

The Linzes finished the task first and were told to hit up the Green River State Park for the night. The departure time the next morning would depend on the order they'd arrive. Meanwhile, down in the base of Gemini Bridges, the Weavers languished on their bicycles. "I HATE UTAH! I hate it with a passion!" screamed Rebecca. After all, it is the state's fault that she can't ride a bike.

"If anyone says 'I'm from Utah,' I'm gonna say, 'I'm sooo sorry,'" Rachel added. Why, that's not rude at all! In similar news, when I meet someone who's a Weaver relative, I too will say "I'm sooo sorry."

Showing up at the Detour last were the Godlewskis, and hey, weren't they in second place? How did that happen? Suddenly we heard the booming, disembodied voice of Phil as he gravely announced, "Due to a production error involving the camera equipment, the Godlewski's car battery was drained. A replacement vehicle was provided, but they have fallen into last place." Way to go, CAMERA! Nevertheless, the Godlewskis attacked the Detour with sheer, ear-piercing determination, which meant we got to see Christine Godlewski fall on her ass as she attempted to rappel down the cliff. Oh wait! This is the moment that CBS has promo'd all week! What will happen? Will this be the end of the Godlewskis?

Actually no. Sharon said some disparaging things about her sister and then the family completed the task without incident. Oh. You know, if there's anything I've learned, almost every single Amazing Race commercial hypes up a big nothing. I think the only exception to the rule was when a) Greg and Brian's jeep flipped over last season, and b) when the metal gate bonked Freddy on the head in season 6. God, that was amazing.

Later that night, while the Linzes played paddle ball outside their camper, the Weavers huddled inside and complained about how no one speaks to them. "We're not gonna be rude," Rachel reiterated, adding, "We're just gonna keep saying disparaging things about other people and place and then victimize ourselves by blaming external factors, like the state of Utah."

The next morning, the Linzes headed out of the park first and learned they'd have to go to Heber city and find "Bart." Turns out Bart was a bear. That's right, it was none other than the famous Bart the Bear -- who I believe was the star of the film, uh, The Bear. Actually, scratch that. I just checked Bart's IMDb page (yes, a bear has an IMDb page), and Bart was not only the star of The Bear, but also Legends of the Fall and The Edge. Sadly though, he died five years ago. Sorry Bart! Turns out this Bart that we now saw adorably toting a yellow clue in his mouth was actually Bart 2.0, whose film career has included the significantly less venerable Without a Paddle and Dr. Doolittle 2. You know, just change the bear's name. No need to sully Bart The First's rep with these crappy flicks. If you're gonna replace Bart, just go drastically different. It's like bringing in Cindy Snow when what you really need is Terri Alden. Sorry, I'm still on my Three's Company kick.

Anyway, I just spent far too much time seeking out those screenshots, so I'll just move on. As the Linzes drove up to Heber City, they passed by a wondrous waterfall, causing all the siblings to stare in awe. As for the Weavers, well, let's just say their appreciation for all of God's creations seems to be limited strictly to hot pants. "That's so ugly," Rolly said, pointing at the landscape. "Looks like a little pimple in the mountains." You're a little pimple in the mountains! Hmm, I gotta work on my comebacks.

As teams approached Bart, we learned that they wouldn't be able to run or yell on the property. I guess that means they'll have to bind and gag Chrissy, lest she become the unfortunate victim of an ursine attack. Meanwhile, the Linzes managed to get lost, so they pulled over to ask directions from a lady, but as it turns out, "That's a dude." Well, they got back on track, met Bart, and then learned they'd be heading to Olympic Park in Park City. Oh, and one more thing: CAUTION! YIELD AHEAD!! Now, the whole episode, the producers had been really playing up the fact that the Linzes were prone to making stupid mistakes. With the Weavers right on their asses, would they be able to reach the Yield first? Or would some dumb snafu ruin the whole thing? For the first time in ages, this show suddenly became truly exciting. If the Weavers didn't get Yielded, I didn't know what I would do.

Speaking of the Weavers, they passed the Linzes on the road and in a HILARious move, all the girls ducked. You know, so the Linzes couldn't see them. Because that would be super funny! So take THAT, Linzes! That'll teach you not to... look over at their car... and, um, expect to see people in the back seat. YEAH! Actually, in the cruelest of ironies, the Linz family didn't even notice. Like oh my god! The best gag was totally wasted! Thanks, JESUS!

Moments later, the Weavers arrived at the Bart house, and even though teams were not supposed to run or yell, that didn't stop dumb Rebecca from honking her horn in the driveway. Luckily, Bart was having the best time ever carrying around that stupid clue; so he hardly seemed fazed by the blaring horn. That's okay though. Even if he had attacked the Weavers, we knew the only way he could have done damage would have been if he were somehow turned into a bear-car.

After receiving their clue, the Weavers then set off to Park City, but unlike the Linzes, they opted to take route 92 instead of 40. According to Rachel, it was a more direct route. Unfortunately, the Weavers didn't seem to notice that the sign for 92 featured that quaint "Scenic Route" graphic, and before long, they were trapped on a long and winding road. That didn't stop Rolly though from yelling at a random biker, "You wish you were Lance Armstrong!" Yes, like Rebecca said, they won't be rude.

The good news was that the Weavers were screwed. The bad news was that the excitement was therefore dampened as the Linzes easily arrived at the Yield first. Sure enough, the Cincinnati wonderboys (featuring super sister Megan) Yielded the Weavers, and then it was time for the big Roadblock. Basically, someone on the team had to do a ski jump. Cool. Sort of. Hey, remember when Roadblocks used to require some basic level of skill? It's really not as thrilling when a teammate just has to get up and do something, like ride in a centrifuge or a jet plane.

Well, this was a pretty easy Roadblock, but that didn't stop Nick Linz from making a fool of himself as he tried to do a fancy flip off the jump, only to belly flop into the water. Afterwards, his team received the next clue, which was to find the Pit Stop atop a library in Salt Lake City.

Meanwhile, the Bransens showed up next, and as cutie Lindsay perched atop the ski jump, one of the ski jumpers yelled out, "If you live, let's go out!" Funny, I always use that line, and it never works!

Anyway, Lindsay did just fine and was followed by Chrissy Godlewski, who managed to go splat in the water. But as usual, her perky gung-ho attitude overpowered any burn her entire body may have been feeling. "Let's hope it's elimination," one of the Godlewski sisters said as they headed off safely in third place. Of course, by virtue of her saying that, we all knew it most definitely would not be elimination. I mean, the producers only show an obvious last place team if there's going to be a non-elimination round. Unless... maybe that's what they want us to think! And maybe it will be elimination after all. But then again, if the final episode (which I imagine is two hours) airs on December 13th, there's no way the producers are going to stretch out the final three teams over essentially four more episodes. Blast!

Of course, the Weavers didn't have the benefit of a TVguide to help them deduce that they'd be safe; so instead they resorted to their old standby strategy: complaining. "This is so stupid... this is such a waste of time," they moaned. You know, there are a lot of families that would have loved to have gone on this show, so enough with the defeatist attitude. SHUT UP!

And as if on cue, here came the martyrdom: "We're already the last nice family, and then we're gone," said Rachel. And proving just how nice her family was, she then added, "The people who win will probably spend it on a new nose and bigger boobs." Well, if the Weavers win, I just hope they put a portion of their winnings towards getting mom a decent haircut.

Eventually, Linda finally stepped up and told her kids to just relax and enjoy themselves, and later, after having procured ice cream and various value meals from McDonalds, everyone seemed to be in chipper moods (except McDonalds which probably wasn't so thrilled to have this family be their new unintentional mascots). At the route marker, the Weavers discovered they'd been Yielded, causing Linda to snip, "Those idiots!" It wasn't clear if she was referring to the other teams or just the nifty Weaver family portrait on the Yield sign. Probably the former though.

With nothing else to do, the clan sat down to nosh on their fast food, at which point Linda remarked, "I don't get it. Most people like us. I've never been in a situation where we've been unliked [sic., of course] in my life!" Well, congratulations Linda. Now you know what it feels like to be "unliked"... by ALL OF AMERICA!

Over at the Pit Stop, the Linzes arrived first and were greeted not only by Phil, but by the one and only Miss Latin Utah. "Miss Latin Utah! Even better!" said one of the Linz boys, thus proving once again that Everybody Loves A Spicy Latina!

Well, Phil told the Linz family that they were team number one. He then slapped on his comedian hat and said, "No prizes. JUST KIDDING!" Oh, that Phil! Such a pistol! But he wasn't done! After describing the trip the kids had won, Phil joked, "in addition to that Tommy, we've got a beautiful woman here for you." Whoa. Did he just pimp out Miss Latin Utah? Maybe we should give him an all green suit with a little hat. PimpPhil!

Anyway, the Bransens showed up second and were followed by the Godlewskis, and of course, bringing up the rear were the Weavers who arrived in full whiny splendor. "I just want to be eliminated," said one. "I do too," said another. "I really do too," said a third. Listen guys, we could not agree more.

Unsurprisingly, Phil announced that this was a non-elimination leg, causing the Weavers to celebrate with a blasé "Yay." Sounds like it's time for PimpPhil to go back to his PhilSchtick: "That is the most unenthusiastic reaction to a non-elimination in the history of The Amazing Race," he joked. To be fair, Phil was really hoping for a top hat and can rat-a-tat-tat tap dance routine.

Well, it didn't take long for the Weavers to move into victimization mode. "Nobody likes us anymore, Phil," Rolly said. This was followed by Linda who commented, "We love the race, but I don't know if I'm up for the personal stuff." Oh, poor, delicate Linda. When those cruel barbarians attack her with mild insults (which are often the reaction to various Weaver insults and attacks), she just can't go on! She just trying to lead an upright Christian life!

Not to fear, though. Dr. Phil gave them a pep talk, and as the hour came to a close, the Weavers had renewed strength and vigor. They could go all the way, they predicted. Lord help us all.

What did you think about this episode? And more importantly, what do you think about the Weavers?

Posted by at 5:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (63)

Ahhhh, America's Next Top Model. Is there any better hump day respite than seeing a bunch of modeling wannabes compete for a Cover Girl contract and Tyra Banks' affection? Over the last few episodes, we got rid of perhaps the prettiest girl in the whole competition (Kyle), fake eliminated two girls only to let them continue on to London (Nicole and Jayla), and most recently, sent the girl who was taking the most consistently fierce photos (Lisa) back to Los Angeles, where she was last seen dealing with the pain by soaking in a bubble bath, talking to her potted fern, and finishing off a case of Two Buck Chuck. Once again, there are complaints that this group of models aren't really model material, but I once gain remind everybody that part of the reason for this show is great TV. Anybody who has actual talent that made it as a finalist will have enough publicity to get a good head start on a career, and so while we may not remember any of the remaining girls because they will grace the cover of Vogue in a few years, at least they are giving us plenty of drama every Wednesday. Some people may have wondered if Lisa's departure would jeopardize the amount of conflict in the house, but after one week without her, we can say that is definitely not the case.

As much as people didn't like Lisa, everybody was shocked that she was going home. During their confessionals, they all said how surprised they were at her elimination because they thought she would be in the final three. Even Kim didn't have a bad thing to say about her, but I am guessing that is because their new confessional room is not soundproof, and consists of a couch in some unidentified hotel suite. I guess she didn't want to start talking about people, lest they make a big situation out of the entire thing. Then again, Kim really thought that she and Bre were back to being friends. The two of them were discussing how amazing it would be if both of them were in the final three together. Personally my final three would be Nik, Bre, and Jayla. Nicole is just more and more spoiled every week, and Kim is starting to remind me of the mascot for Bob's Big Boy with that face of hers.

What I was wondering, however, was if Kim and Bre had really decided to let things go. Kim was seeing things like the fight in the limo was "blown out of proportion" and that they've "put their problems aside" and they "care about each other and want to help each other out". I am sure that is how everything goes in Kim's fantasy world, but in the real world, I don't think that was the case. Bre sees she is getting closer to the finish line and desperately wants to win. She has tried to be everybody's friend during their time in Los Angeles, but she was not afraid of making enemies now that they were in London.

The first Tyra mail told the girls to think about their pecking order, and the next day they were greeted outside their hotel and were given a tour of London to look at the sculptures. Their host was discussing about the importance of being able to hold a pose, especially in the world of painting and sculpting, because the ability to hold a pose could mean the difference a great piece of art and a piece of crap. For example, before Michelangelo sculpted David, he wasted a year and a half sculpting Fred, who wouldn't stop scratching his ass. I have no story to explain David's shrinkage, however.

With all of the talk about statues, you knew that there was going to a challenge featuring holding a pose, and that was exactly the case. They met Miss J, and learned that they were going to going to be tested on holding a pose. Since they were all posing like statues, their makeup and wardrobe were done in such a way that they looked like they belonged on pillars outside the Temple of Hecate. In other words, they were wearing togas and their bodies were covered in white. The girl who won would win a shopping spree and pick two girls to go with her.

The Tyra mail talked about the pecking order, and just before the girls were going to get started, they showed us some footage of pigeons. I laughed to myself thinking how funny it would be if the pigeons started making themselves at home on the girls as they posed, but put the thought out of my mind. But about ten seconds into this segment, sure enough, pigeons start landing, and it looks like that was exactly what the producers had in mind. To do well in this challenge, you had to be able to focus and block out all of your distractions to hold your pose. There is only so much distraction Miss J. can do wagging her ass around in the background. I am not sure if the birds were just used to landing on immobile objects or there was feed in the plates the girls had to hold up, but something was attracting the birds, and for a moment I thought I was on the set of an Alfred Hitchcock movie. Hmm, what was it? Suspicion? Notorious? Rear Window? Oh, yes! The Birds!

OK, you got me. The scene was less like The Birds and more like that scene from Home Alone 2 where the crazy bird lady throws the feed on Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern, preventing them from shooting MacAulay Culkin with that gun covered in molasses. These pigeons weren't trying to stop a potential homicide, but they were aggressive enough that they really bothered a few of the girls including Bre who called them flying rats, because they would eat anything, and were probably going to eat her. I don't think Bre got it the worst though, at least there weren't two pigeons humping on top of her head like Kim. And she surely wasn't the one who was complaining the most; that honor goes to Nicole.

I think it is safe to say that Nicole is very spoiled, and acts like a spoiled brat in almost every social situation. She also tends to throw things out of proportion. For instance, she said that the reason she was scared of the pigeons was that she didn't like huge birds. I'm not an ornithologist, but as birds go, pigeons are not that huge, are they? What sort of trauma happened to Nicole to make her hate this birds so much? Did her boyfriend break up with her after Winged Migration? Does her adopted puffin not love her back? Did she have some bad nachos during March of the Penguins? There has to be some deep dark secret we don't know about. What's next on her list of fears? Bunnies?

Nicole's reaction infuriated Bre, who called the voice very sharp and alarming, preferring that Nicole keep her shouts very dull and reassuring. I don't know when Bre turned from sort of listening on the sideline and judging people with acerbic stares to actually letting all of this craziness get to her, and maybe it had just been building up for a long time, but Bre seemed like she wanted go all Fenster and McManus on Nicole. I, for one, was hoping that it would all blow up into a nice bit of drama down the line.

As for the challenge, Nik won and she of course decided to bring along Bre, and in a surprise, she picked Jayla for the other person to go with her. I say this is a surprise because Jayla was the one who stole Nik's secret so many weeks ago and promised that something big would go down if the two of them had to live together for much longer. Even if Jayla is not the best of friends with Nik, she did a good job not saying anything about the situation, and I am sure that the $2,500 shopping spree she received had NOTHING to do with it.

After the challenge, the girls went home, and Bre was feeling a little sick. I was also feeling something looking at Nik's backside; I wouldn't call it sick, as much as stiff. There is a song by Black Star called Brown Skin Lady, and dear God; I think it was written for Nik. I won't bore you with the whole song, but I would like to quote it and say, "Damn she's fine, I would like to add the R-E in front of that and see if she'd like to get with a cat like me". Mos Def and Talib, just pure genius.

"Over the years I met a few, none of them compare to you"

Anyway, Bre was feeling sick and she didn't like how Nicole was so very loud and inconsiderate. Bre was trying to get some rest and Nicole was jumping up and down on her bed in the other room. Why was Nicole so excited? Well, she really loved her hotel suite because they finally got out of that "hell house" they were living in before. Is there anybody else who wishes they could have lived in that hell house, even if it wasn't filled with a bunch of potential models that were walking around in their underwear all the time? I mean, the hotel suite was nice and it had maid service, but their house in the hills was, as we used to say, the bomb diggidy. Whatever was bothering her about the old house, Nicole wasn't going to let Bre's Debbie Downer attitude keep her from being fun and happy.

The ladies received their Tyra mail for their photo shoot and were asked if they ever felt like they were being framed. By this time, they are all tired of trying to think about what the double meaning is, and they all decide to go to bed. Before Bre retires to the confines of her bed, she decides that she is going to have a little snack. Well, I assume she wanted a snack, but whatever happened, she saw that somebody had opened her box of cereal bars and taken one. Normally, you wouldn't think that a missing cereal bar would be that big of a deal, but Bre was convinced that Nicole did it, and that she did it on purpose because she knew it would upset Bre. And she did it without asking.

There were many ways that Bre could have handled all of this, but instead of asking Nicole, or ignoring her, she decided that she needed to retaliate. Who cares if it could have been any other girl in the suite (including possibly her roommate Nik?), all of the evidence was pointing to Nicole. Nicole was loud, inconsiderate, complained all the time, and was scared of birds. Bre just had to come up with the perfect thing to get back at Nicole. A ha! You should take something of hers Bre, and then laugh when she doesn't know who it is. The perfect crime!

Bre managed to sneak in to the bunker where Nicole hid her items, and removed the one thing she knew Nicole couldn't live without - Red Bull. Everything was going according to plan until Kim heard something going on and wanted to ask Bre what the hell was going on. Bre had the idea that if she laughed loudly and homicidally, Kim would just go back to sleep and let the exorcists worry about Bre when they got back home. But Kim really wanted more information and while Bre was trying to convince her not to worry about it, they fell over and although I was pretty sure they weren't going to make out, they had some sort of Sappho-Roman wrestling going on. Bre then said Kim shouldn't ask any questions and sort of forget it ever happened.

Bre waits for Kim to tap out

Even the most ardent Bre fans, and I would consider myself among them, would have to admit that she was going a little crazy at this point, somewhere between Tom Cruise on Oprah and Lisa in a diaper. The next day, as she, Nik, and Jayla got to get up early, and it seemed to calm her down a little bit. When they got to Harrods, Nik got her own gay personal shopper and $10,000, while Bre[not Nik, thanks Lauren] and Jayla were left with $2,500 a piece and had to fend for themselves with only straight women by their side. It was all a great experience, and Bre said that it made her feel like she was in a different place for once, or as we all like to call it LONDON.

While the other girls were shopping, Nicole and Kim were discussing what the hell happened. The producers didn't show us who took Bre's cereal bar, or didn't have footage of it, and by the way Nicole was talking, she had no clue what was going on. She stated that she didn't have the energy to deal with these people anymore, which is probably why she got the Red Bull in the first place.

At this moment, I was laughing maniacally in anticipation of what was to come. Lisa and Coryn was good, Bre and Kim was decent, and I had a feeling that Bre and Nicole would be something that none of us could miss. The shopping spree girls met Kim and Nicole on the set of their next photo shoot, where they learned that a special guest was going to introduce another special guest. While the Katamari Damacy music crescendoed in the background, Twiggy came in and introduced Barry Lategan, the photographer that made her famous. Barry is a legend among photographers, especially in the UK. In fact they should probably make a movie about him before Richard Attenborough dies and they don't have anybody to play Barry.

Welcome to Jurassic Park!

I am not sure what is it about these British photographers that makes me laugh so much, perhaps it was the hat. The girls learned that they would Barry would be taking pictures of them while they did modern interpretations of classic art. Kim was going to Botticelli's birth of Venus, Nicole would do Johannes Vermeer's Girl with a Pearl Earring, Jayla would do James Whistler’s Mother, Nik would do Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man and Bre would do Da Vinci's Mona Lisa. As photo themes go, I thought it was very original, and was interested to see how the interpretations would turn out, but let's be honest, we had more important things to consider, like who was going to replace Nicole's energy drinks.

As much as I like to make fun of Nicole for being immature, I will admit that she handled the whole Red Bull thing very well. It pissed her off, but if Bre was going to be like that, she was going to let her drive herself crazy. Kim, on the other hand, thought that it was like the greatest injustice since NBC cancelled 227, depriving the world it's weekly dose of Marla Gibbs. Nicole asked her to stay out of it, but Kim decided that wasn't good enough. She confronted Bre about the whole thing, and told her that she should replace Nicole's Red Bulls. Bre was trying to ignore her, because she really wanted Nicole to get mad at her, and was wondering why Kim was trying to mediate and play both sides of the fence. Eventually, she simply asked Kim not to talk to her and walked away.

Kim wouldn't take no for an answer, and started talking about it to everybody who would listen, but nobody else seemed interested in butting their heads into this affair, probably because it was among the pettiest of dramas ever. Eventually, Kim found somebody who would listen to her and it was Jay Manuel, who gave the perfect advice, comparing the whole situation like the movie Showgirls. Actually, his advice was kind of stupid, but he managed to work kerfuffle into a sentence, and that deserves some recognition. All of this drama was great, but I think the producers were a little upset because it threw off their product placement plans. They never meant for Red Bull to ever appear or be spoken, and it took away from the product they were trying to plug, which was an Olay lotion. Ever chance they could they had somebody mentioning how it smelled good or lasted all day without reapplication. They must have been paid a lot because little lotion bottles appeared in the corners of the pictures as well.

As for the photos, Barry Lategan was very calm on the set and gave great direction. He didn't get upset, and his soothing demeanor seemed to bring out the best in a lot of the girls. All of the girls seemed to be taking direction quite well, and it was easy to see that it was going to be a very difficult decision for the judges. Here are this week's pictures. I had some people e-mail to say they wanted bigger pictures. I keep them small to save space in the recap, but you can click on them to get larger versions:

At panel, the girls were given one more chance to demonstrate what they learned. The judges asked them to demonstrate a stoic pose, and hold it for a minute. During this time, the judges would do everything they could in their power distract them, whether it be Miss J. getting a little freaky in front of them or Tyra on the table backing her ass up for Barry to get a piece. This could have been funnier, but nobody up there was that outrageous. Funny hats, fake hair, and false teeth were not going to do much, especially after the pigeons just a few days before.

The girls then came in for their evaluations. This week, I was most impressed with Nik. Obviously, I think she is gorgeous, but that is not the only reason. The Vitruvian Man is supposed to be the model of the ideal male figure in terms of proportions, and I was wondering how Nik would be able to pull it off. Nik didn't take the picture naked, which was a disappointment, but Barry said it was remarkable how well she held her pose and how symmetrical it all turned out. The judges loved it because it was the first time they saw her face straight on, and not in profile, which was, of course, the purpose for picking her for that shot.

When say that Nik was first, it was very close, because I thought that Nicole, and Jayla were also very impressive. Girl with the Pearl Earring seemed like it was made for Nicole. Her immaturity bugs me, but I can't really say that I don't understand her allure. The judges always rave about her eyes, and with her hair pulled back like it was in the picture, they stood out even more.

Whistler's Mother is as old and dowdy as can be, but again, Jayla pulled it off very well. I think it might have been the easiest of all the poses because the painting as it was didn't represent any sort of classic beauty in the same sense as some of the others. Even though they praised her for her work, they were kind of concerned about what Jay Manuel had to say about the shoot. Before the pictures were being taken, Jay was telling the girls that if they weren't familiar with the art they were depicting, they should take a look, and practice their pose. Jayla wasn't concerned with how her picture was going to turn out, and when Jay suggested that she get in a chair and practice, she laughed and said she didn't need any. I understand that Jay is there to help the girls, but if they don't take his advice, there is no need to be pissy about it. It is one thing to be arguing with the photographer or get in a fight about hair, makeup, or wardrobe, but if the girls don't follow Jay's advice to practice, I don't think it is any of his business. Sure it may bruise his ego, but if his advice is so precious that it can't be missed, it will show up in the picture, and he can enjoy watching them be eliminated for their arrogance. You know, you can lead a model to a studio, but you can't make her practice sort of thing.

Jayla was not the only one Jay narced on; he told the judges everything about Bre and her problems on the set as well. The judges were blown away with how well Bre seemed to take the Mona Lisa, which was a symbol beauty for generations, and made it into her own. I'll admit that at first I didn't see how they pictured Bre as Mona Lisa, but after the picture was taken, the results were more clear, but I still think Nik, Jayla, and Nicole had better shots. Once again, the judges weren't so concerned with her photos as much as what was going on in the periphery. Bre admitted that she took Jayla's things, and I think once she heard the words coming out of her mouth, she realized how dumb the whole ordeal was. Tyra of course had a story about the whole thing, saying that it reminded her of this time when she was first modeling, another girl accused Tyra of stealing her alarm clock with no evidence.

I know people say that I am biased about Kim, but I can honestly say that I thought her picture was the worst this week. Twiggy seems to like her because Kim reminds her of herself at that age, young and edgy, and possessing something that maybe the rest of the world isn't ready for. Perhaps that is the case, but Kim's edge wasn't what was holding her back this time. The Birth of Venus is another classic painting, representing Aphrodite, the epitome of all things feminine in the ancient world. You could see what the judges were going for, and in terms of poses, I thought it was nearly as difficult as the one that Nik had to do. There is no way to tell if Kim was distracted by what was happening on the set, but she seemed to revert back to her old insecurities of how she can make her body look more feminine, and looked as if she had lost all of the confidence she had built up in the last few weeks were she had begun to have faith in her look. Perhaps it wasn't her fault, because Barry admitted that he wanted her to have that dreamy sort of look on her face and the way he tried to get her to feel feminine was to think about her mother or her boyfriend, and obviously the latter was not going to help her at all.

While the judges deliberated, the girls waited in their holding room backstage. There were several times as they were getting their picture critiqued that it looked like Bre was going to break down. At one point, Kim was talking about how much she liked the necklace she wore in the shoot and decided to buy them. Tyra said that usually models just steal stuff, and while it may have been a slight dig at Bre, she just couldn't let it go. Maybe it was guilt about doing what she did, or maybe she upset because she was singled out and she thought the judges would eliminate her for it.

There was more arguing back stage between Bre and Kim. Bre said that she was 96% sure that she was going home, and if she left, she just wanted to Kim to know that she thought that Kim was a bad person. Bre probably saw much of this coming, but she wasn't prepared to have her professionalism challenged. To make matters worse, Jayla and Nik were staying out of the argument, leaving nobody to back her up while Nicole was very vocal in her support for Kim.

The top three were Nik, Jayla, and Nicole, and I believe well deserved. With Lisa gone, Nik is the one who screams high fashion, and while she never demands presence when in the room, her looks give her a natural presence I think is just unmatched by any of the others right now. Looking at the close-up of her picture this week, I got a strong Angelina Jolie vibe, although there is no word on what Nik thinks about little Asian boys with mowhawks. Jayla has had the worst pictures the past two weeks, but the judges liked the way she took direction, so they kept her, but told her she has to be nice to everybody. Nicole still has an attitude problem, but everything seems to come to her so effortlessly right now, although there was some concern that she wouldn't work out as a spokesperson.

That left Kim and Bre in the bottom two. As Tyra asked them both to step forward, I was waiting for a real scathing lecture, but it really didn't happen. I was thinking that perhaps Bre was going to go home because of the way she acted, but if they never said a word to Lisa for pissing in a diaper, it would be kind of strange to eliminate Bre based solely on her personality or lack of professionalism this week. Bre and Kim were two of the girls who were working near the bottom at the beginning of the competition, but had also been praised for how much they have improved since that time. In the end, the judges decided that Bre should stay, perhaps because she was able to maintain that high level of performance this week while Kim dropped off, even if it was just a little bit.

I think it is a testament to everybody who's left how difficult this week's elimination was. Even though there have been gay reality contestants for a long time, Kim's tenure on top model "broke the seal", so to speak, for lesbians on ANTM. She was able to go on, say she was gay, challenge our stereotypes on femininity, challenge her stereotypes on femininity, and for a time she was able to find how all of that could translate into a career as a model. Perhaps I am putting too much thought into it, and I am surely not the proper person to say what this means to breaking down barriers for lesbians, but no matter what I thought of her pudgy face, it's hard to go on national television and become a spokesperson for something when you don't really know anybody that you can look up to yourself.

As for the girls remaining, I would have to give the handicap to Nicole. I was reminded of something Nigel said about Naima, which was that she was the girl that every girl wants to be. That's what made her a Cover Girl, and that's what made her America's Next Top Model. If I were to judge everybody that's left on those criteria, I would have to say that Nicole comes on top. Unless she completely alienates one of the photographers or the judges with her attitude, I think this competition is hers to lose, although I still personally prefer any of the other three. It's hard for me to say that Nik won't win, but I just think she is more high fashion at this point, and she hasn't shown that she can step up and be a spokesperson. It's too early to say if Bre will be affected from all that happened this week, but she has been able to shut out everything and focus on the prize so far, so I don't see that changing. I think Jayla has the least chance because she has been inconsistent of late, and the judges are still looking for more effort.

What did you think? Did Kim deserve to stay? Why is Bre becoming so mean?

Posted by at 3:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (57)

When last we left the girls of Making the Band 3 we found out that they were going to be split into two groups and singing an opening act for the Backstreet Boys. And then we saw the girls act as if getting a chance to sing in front of tens of hundreds of people at the VT County Fair was a big deal. You know what is a big deal at the VT County Fair? The onion rings. Best I ever had.

OK, so I was kidding about the VT County Fair, they are just opening up for them on their DC leg of the tour. But it’s close. Take away the onion rings and smell of manure and you can’t tell the difference. Or heck, keep the manure smell. Who knows what that loft smells like. One look at Shannon and you can just tell she's the type of girl who can leave a doozy of a twozy. But fear not dear reader. This episode we finally get what we have been waiting for. A topless Aubrey. Well, what I have been waiting for anyway.

As the show opens we see Diddy telling us that he is separating up the girls so they are in direct competition. Groups one consists of Aubrey, Denosh, Melissa Jasmine and Kelly. Group two is Andrea, Juanita, Shannon, Dawn, Dominique and Taquita. Each girl is a direct competitor to one in the other group. Aubrey and Shannon are direct competition. Denosh and Taquita are direct competition. Get it? There is a method to Diddy’s madness.

With the Miami trip now behind them its time for the girls to head back to the loft in SoHo. Camp Abu Diddy as I have christened it because Diddy stripped it bare so he could… I don’t know make them sing better or something? Anyways, as the girls walk in the door they realize that the place is back to its super luxurious Making the Band 3 Season One coolness. If the loft was a ride it would have just been pimped. Now I need to pass on a warning to those of you reading this that have not yet watched the episode. Severe screaming girl alert. You know what its like when a reality show contestant is given a prize? That’s right, the collective sound of 11 girls screaming comes blaring through my speakers. And not just one scream. A veritable crescendo of screams that increase in volume throughout every room they go through. Yes girls, it’s a couch. Its a very nice couch. Let us celebrate this by blowing out someone’s eardrums. And dancing in place. Don’t forget the dancing in place!

But that’s not all. On a table is a message from Diddy. What is a message from Diddy like? It’s kinda like Tyra mail only with more of a hip hop feel to it. It seems the girls now have a rooftop deck to relax on. And…more screams! Dance in a circle! Flail you’re arms about!

There is no rest for the weary as next we see the girls practicing on the two songs that they have been given to open the show with. And these aren’t just any songs, Diddy tells us. He’s bringing in the best he’s got. The group he calls “the Hitmen� to come up with songs for the girls. So when you’re wondering late at night who came up with the idea of Diddy saying “Yeah…Yeah..� over the tracks to other peoples songs, here is your answer. Group one with Aubrey, Denosh, Melissa, Jasmine and Kelly are given a song about a “girl who’s in love with her man� says Melissa. Over in group two, their song is “about dancing in the club with a guy and how much he wants to dance with you, be around you. And just touch your body.� say’s Dominique. Amazing. It took at least two people to write that song. It probably went a little something like this;

McCartney: So the song has to more than just dancing in a club with a guy.

Lennon: How about if we have a few lines about how much the guy wants to like, ummm, I don’t know, how much he wants to dance with you?

McCartney: Brilliant! And then we can talk about how much he wants to like, be around you and touch your body and stuff.

Lennon: That’s it!! This is the greatest song ever!

McCartney: What else have we got?

Lennon: Well I was thinking next we can do a song about a guy whose, like, trapped in a closet and stuff. But we can make it into this really long pretentious 12 part song.

McCartney: That’s good. That’s real good. But its missing something.

Lennon: We could have the guy singing it be into peeing on chicks?

McCartney: But Bing Crosby died like 30 years ago.

Lennon: No, not him. someone else. Like maybe R. Kelly!

McCartney: That’s it! My god we are the best songwriting team ever!

Things aren’t going that well during rehearsals for group two. It seems that since they have one extra member one of them will not be given as much of a singing part as the rest of them. And that person is Taquita. When it comes time to hand out verses, she gets “Oh yeah� and that’s it. This won’t stop Taquita however as later on when they are practicing in the loft she decides to sing backup in her “full voice� and not her falsetto. This pisses off the rest of the group since it screws up the whole song. Aundrea shoots her down pretty quickly and tells her that she needs to keep doing the falsetto.

But that is nothing compared to group one. Since Denosh sang backup once on a Faith Evans song and what not, she seems to think that she is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Since Denosh is so perfect, she is getting impatient with the rest of the group and has decided to “step up� and give the girls “advice�. Which translates to: the girl turns into a straight up beeyatch.

Denosh starts ordering everyone around in practice. Do it this way, smile that way. She even cuts off Aubrey when she makes a suggestion. And nobody, but nobody cuts off my Aubrey.

Then its dance practice. And it’s the triumphant return of the boom cats! They have been sorely missed. During dance practice the girls are trying to mix both the singing and the choreography. Denosh being Denosh, she even starts ordering around Aubrey during dance practice. And trust me, you do NOT want to do that. The art of Dance is Aubreys domain. I don’t see Aubrey giving Denosh advice on places to tuck her penis away, so Denosh better not mess with Aubrey when she's doing her thing.

Laurie Ann is starting to pick up on Denosh’s attitude. It’s hard to miss. It’s about as prominent as her adams apple. Instead of confronting her, Laurie Ann simply asks Aubrey “You don’t really like this group do you? This is not your five is it?�. And Aubrey nods no. With that we cut right to Denosh. Message received.

I love it when she glistens!

Over in the other group we have the anti Denosh Taquita. Instead of bossing everyone around, Taquita actually is losing focus and getting bored. It seems Tawuita has a bit of a nasty streak in her. When Laurie Ann catches her in a yawn she unloads on her. But that's not all. Taquita screws up pretty much everything she does and Laurie Ann is on her ass every time. This culminates in Laurie Ann screaming "What time is it!� at the top of her lungs. I’m not sure what that means but from the tone I think its safe to say she knew what time it was, and it was more of a rhetorical question.

Boom Cat!

Boom! Boom! Cat!

Later when Taquita is out to dinner and feeling the pressure. She’s upset because she doesn’t want to let her family down. It seems they are counting on her for more than just reasons of family pride. “I got my whole family, mommas and daddies and brothers and sisters. They’re saying ‘Taquita you could make money, you could take care of everyone’� Well, at least now we know the whole laziness thing runs in her family.

The next day Aubrey gets a phone call from Jessica from MTV press. It seems Blender magazine wants to do a photo shoot with her and get an interview as well. The best part about the phone call is once everyone sees she got the photo shoot we get a quick shot of a pissed of Denosh. Sorry Denosh, this is for Blender magazine, not Trannies Monthly. Although to be fair, Trannies Monthly does have some great articles. What happens next is the best 2 minutes of the season so far. Aubrey trying on different outfits, Aubrey sticking her ass in the camera, Aubrey picking a wedgie, and, god bless us all, a topless Aubrey holding her boob. I have died and entered heaven.

Back at the loft, Denosh is just getting worse. She has now taken it on herself to call meetings to chew everyone out for what she sees as a sub par performance. The girls are about to lose it completely with her. I say grab some popcorn.

Taquita is calling Holly, a former evicted person for help. And what better way to help your way through the competition than by calling someone who already got eliminated from said competition? She says it’s helping her mold herself into having more discipline. Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

In the car Denosh is continuing her bullying ways as they practice singing. “Are you guys watching me? Do it again and be consistent� she barks. Finally the girls have had it and try to say something to her. But they do it in this pissy passive aggressive way that keeps it from getting really good. The best they can come up with is “Someone needs to change their tone because we cant take anything that feels like attitude.� But even something as soft as that is enough to get Denosh all pissed off. “I’m not bullshitting right now, and there a lot of bullshit going on.� She says. From here the entire argument devolves into a lot of “can I finish? Can I finish?�. It’s alike a bad episode of Crossfire. So I guess that would make Denosh Robert Novak. Yeah, that works.

Once at the rehearsal you can tell right away Denosh attitude is having a negative effect on the group. Everyone is messing up their dance moves and its pissing off Laurie Ann to no end. This episodes theme is just lots of pissed off girls. If it wasn’t for a glimpse of Aubrey's side boob earlier I would’ve said it’s the worst so far. And it gets even worse, as there is no appearance by Diddy. That’s right, no one gets cut. The episode just leaves off with Denosh telling Laurie Ann after another botched dance routine that she will work on the girls later and they should just move on.

Well if there is one thing you don’t do its step on Laurie Ann's lines. She is the one who is supposed to castigate the girls and scream at them. "I don't like ego. To be ego and to be jealous. These things are negative for a reason." Laurie Ann tells them. And remember this woman works for Diddy.

And with that the episode comes to an abrupt end. But fear not, as next week we see the girls in their stage outfits. Booty shorts and gold bras. I am so there.

Posted by EdHIll at 3:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (227)

Greetings, dear readers. I trust your Thanksgiving was a happy one. I sit writing this recap in a cabin outside of Silverthorne, Colorado. To the west lies Copper, to the east Loveland, and to the south Breckenridge and Keystone. To my immediate right, a cold bottle of Never Summer Ale. To my left, a half slice of pumpkin pie. At my feet lie our two dogs: Koko the mutt and Alli the three-legged golden retriever. They have been lying here for the past hour, after tiring of playing audience to the wife's tales of our day upon the mountain. Thankfully, the wine has ceased flowing and she now lies safely ensconced betwixt the sheets upstairs, asleep and awaiting the new day. Meanwhile, I've managed to hack a neighbor's wi-fi signal so that I may deliver this week's Biggest Loser recap in the same week the show aired.

And what a show it was. We made up for last week's inaction with one of the stupidest Elimination Ceremonies ever. Suffice it to say, I am no longer rooting for either Matt or Seth, as they have both proved themselves nincompoops of the highest order.

Ah, a nice opening shot of bees, flowers and fountains. I wonder if tonight is the very special "sex talk" episode I've been hearing about. For Suzi's sake, I hope so. Because I'm not sure she's experienced the true joys of womanhood yet.

Bob is super-proud that Andrea and Suzi have made it to the end. He's also super-surprised that the players kept Andrea over Dr. Jeff. "Are you guys high?" he asks the other players. "Because if you are, I have this great super-fast super-quick food in the kitchen. Come on, let's go!" Odds of this being a really lame product placement? 2-1. Odds of it being a product placement for a product I'd actually eat? 20,000,000-1. Yup, it's Quaker Weight-Control Instant Oatmeal. Bob must be high if he thinks I'm eating that crap. Unless one of the flavors is Raisins-N-Crack. Then I might be interested.

Later, Jillian is walking outside with her boys, reminiscing about their first days at the ranch, like when she made Matt run up a small mound of dirt and he started getting cramps and threw up all over the bushes… Yeah, good times. Jillian puts them through a few more exercises for old time's sake. Seth says he's starting to feel better about wearing clothes. Which is bound to make his neighbors feel better about letting their kids spend time at Seth's pool.

"There's a fire in me again to exercise and be more active and a desire to help people," says Seth. "I can run now. I ran five miles yesterday in an hour. I feel like I was sick when I was overweight, and now I feel healthy. I feel like I've been healed." All hail St. Jillian the Rude! Healer of the Sick! Melter of the Fat! Eater of the Worm!

While Seth is genuflecting and lighting candles, Matt's talking to the camera in the Diary Room, wearing some odd hybrid of the Puffy Shirt. "Going into the finals, I feel like I've got some competition. But I never doubted I'd be in the final group." Other things Matt's never doubted: gravity.

Now we get to watch Bob reminisce about his time with the girls. He says the real challenge for them that day was just walking down to the gate and back up to the house. Of course, the way I remember it, the real challenge was figuring out a way to recap this show without relying solely on fat jokes. In flashback mode, we see Suzi trying to run back to the house. Holy god was she flabby. She's like the anti-Danni from Survivor: Guatemala. I swear, her flab had flab.

Over some footage of Matt working in the gym, Jillian tells us she knows he's been struggling lately with the monotony of his workouts. She says she feels bad, because it's her job as his trainer to change things up so that he stays motivated and working as hard as he can. "So, I came up with a plan," she says, explaining how she wanted to dip Matt in turkey entrails, and then turn him loose in a room with three pit bulls. And the turkey's family. When the producers put the kibosh on that, she went with Plan 9: Wrestling!

Matt walks into the gym and sees a mat set up on the floor. Hey, that reminds me: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying on the ground? Matt! Man, I hope Matt and Jillian are going to wrestle. My money's on Jillian, though, as she has the bigger balls. Plus she cries less.

Before Matt can even start crying, though, a stereo salesman comes out from the back and tries to stop him. Too late. Which means either it's someone Matt knows, or he just realized he hasn't cried in five minutes, and it made him sad. Turns out the guy is Matt's old high school wrestling coach. And he has the voice of the Pillsbury Doughboy. Which is kind of ironic, since after leaving school his Matt developed a Pillsbury Doughbody.

Suddenly, another guy comes running in and jumps him from behind. Relying solely on battle-hardened instincts honed from his two tours in the Golden Corral, Matt slams the guy down on his back. Hey, it's Aaron, Matt's old wrestling buddy! The three friends reunited, Coach reminds them about the importance of having a goal, "whether it's winning wrestling matches, getting your life in order or just being able to see your thingie when you're in the shower."

It's Challenge Time! The teams meet Caroline at a building with four scaffolding ladders running up the side. Next to each ladder is a safe with a player's name on it. Players take their positions and await Caroline's instructions. The bad news: The twins are contained. The good news: She's sporting a tiny camel toe. Yes! Since coming to the ranch, you've all undergone an incredible transformation," she tells the remaining contestants. "You're healthier, you look younger, and you've added years to your life. But now, we're taking you back to that first day at the ranch." What, the producers sprung for a Way-Back Machine?! Kick ass! No, but the players do have to put all their weight back on. Just like the Gluttony guy in Se7en? Kick ass!

Unfortunately, the players don't have to eat their weight back either. Instead, Caroline tells them to open their safes, which weren't even locked in the first place. So why have a safe? Stupid. Inside the safe is the amount of weight each person's lost: in quarters! Looks like they're gonna have to eat something after all. I hope it turns out better than that time Peter Griffin tried to get into the Guinness Book of World Records by eating nickels. He went blind. Of course, if that happened tonight at least Suzi would have an excuse for her hair.

The players have to dump the quarters into a back pack, then climb the scaffolding erected on the side of the bank. (Heh, I said erected.) The person with the best time wins the amount of money in their pack. For those of you keeping track at home, 20 lbs of quarters equals $400. Suzi has to carry 61 lbs ($1220); Andrea has 44 lbs ($880); Seth has 80 lbs ($1600); and Matt has 99 lbs ($1980).

Matt wins pretty easily, which really isn't fair because the producers didn't make him put his old hair back on. If I were one of the other players, I'd call Shenanigans. Caroline congratulates Matt for making it to the top faster than anyone. And then makes him cry by saying he hasn't won yet. Okay, I rescind my Shenanigans.

Caroline says she told the players that the person with the best time would win. But she failed to mention her definition of "best time." In fact, the person with the best time difference between the race they just had and the one they're about to have will actually win the money. Other things she failed to mention: How totally awesome cool this recap is.

The players have to climb the ladders again, this time without the quarters. The person who beats their original time by the biggest margin wins the money. Matt knows he's screwed, and secretly begins plotting the death of Caroline and her first-born male child. (When I first typed "male" in that last sentence, I accidentally typed it as "meal" which, when you think about it, is funny on a whole 'nother level.) At least he didn't cry. "Crazy little twist," says crazy little Suzi, as she takes off her backpack and starts looking for 48 milkshakes to quench her thirst. Andrea, because she sucked so bad the first time, makes up the most time, and wins $880 in quarters! Yay Andrea! Bubble gum's on you.

Back at the ranch, it's time for our Last Last Chance Workout. (It's the last because after tonight's Elimination Ceremony, the three remaining players will be sent home to live on their own for a few months before coming back for one final weigh-in.) Jillian is wearing some stupid plaid bucket hat and keeps walking around yelling "let me see your last chance!" I think she's having flashbacks to Sorority Rush Week. To make things even more surreal, Matt and Seth are having a Last Chance Workout-Off, much like the infamous "2004 Dance-Off between CNN's Tucker Carlson and Comedy Central's John Stewart.

Bob, meanwhile, is also taking the girls through their Last Chance Workout. Unfortunately, it really is a workout. Where's the Zen, Bob? Remember the Zen? His last chance to teach these girls something and all he does is have them exercise? It's times like these I miss Dr. Jeff's vaginankle. At least that was always good for a cheap laugh at the end of a paragraph.

It's time for the final Weigh In. Suzi says she's nervous, you know, because it's the final one. Maybe she should put those nerves to good use and throw up. That might be enough to keep her above the yellow line. Andrea goes first, losing 3 lbs for 1.70%. Seth is next, losing 7 lbs for 3.32%. Before weighing Suzi, Caroline says she can't help but notice Suzi's not wearing her "little cat glasses." "Nope," Suzi squeaks. Turns out she was just wearing those glasses as a shield. "I thought people would notice them, and not notice my fatness, and now I'm like, I want 'em to notice me, and not just the glasses." Wait a minute, Suzi wore glasses?

Suzi loses 5 lbs for 3.01%, which puts Andrea below the yellow line. Since only one person's left, she knows she'll end up in the bottom two. Again. Matt needs to lose seven pounds to put Suzi below the yellow line. Otherwise, he'll be joining Andrea on the chopping block. "Seven pounds," Matt says. "Do I have it in me?" Let's hope not, Matt, since the object is to get it out of you. How long you been playing this game? My snark is moot, however, since Matt loses 10 pounds, for a total of 4.17%. To celebrate, he gets on his knees and kisses the scale. Matt says it reminds him of winning his first state title in wrestling. Except for the whole being fat part. And… he's crying. Aren't athletes supposed to be tough? I swear, watching Matt this season has been like watching a Dick Vermeil press conference.

Matt's loss is Suzi's loss, and she joins Andrea below the yellow line. As upset as Suzi is about the possibility of being sent home, Andrea's even more so. "I've been the underdog since week one," she says. "I've worked hard and I deserve to be in the finals." I'd agree with you Andrea, if it weren't for the fact that everyone else lost more weight than you did. Suzi, meanwhile, is trying to put a happy face on the situation, and says she never came here to win the money anyway. She really came here to, say it with me, "change her life."

At the Elimination Ceremony, Caroline says that while they all deserve to be here, only one of them can win the title of "Biggest Loser". At that, she asks Matt to reveal his pick. Matt says he has to make decisions based what's going to get him further in the game. "When you have an opportunity to take out a bigger threat, you have to act upon that," he says. "And in my mind, one of these ladies is a bigger threat than the other." Come on Matt, just show us your Suzi vote. She loses more weight than Andrea every week, which obviously makes her the bigger threat. Send her home already!

"But tonight, I'm not up for elimination," he continues. "I'm not fighting for my life in this house anymore. What I'm fighting for now is $250,000!" Yes! Finally, someone admits they want the money. By the way, ADMITTING YOU WANT THE MONEY IS A $250,000 INDUSTRY! Matt says the way for him to win the money is to keep the best competition, knowing they're going to be working hard and losing weight. So, he votes to eliminate Andrea and keep Suzi. Whawhawha?! Wow, guess he doesn't think too much of Andrea's work ethic.

Seth tells the others he feels making the final three is an honor. And for that reason, he's also voting to eliminate Andrea. WTF?! You idiots voted out the one person you were guaranteed to beat. I hope Squeekie kicks your ass now!!!

As is her custom, Caroline tells Andrea the other players have decided she is not the biggest loser. Andrea, of course, feels she's a winner any way you look at it. "I'm leaving here a better wife, and a better mother, and a better woman, and I'm grateful to have had this opportunity." She thanks Suzi for being her friend, then tells her to kick the guys' ass. "Don't even worry," Suzi says. She's not, Suzi, she was just being nice. Even though the guys kept the wrong person, everyone knows you don't have a chance. But I'm still pulling for you. The two girls say they love each other, but evidently not enough for any hot girl-on-girl action. Too bad, because I'd bet the clump of Matt's hair I bought on eBay that Caroline would've jumped right in.

Caroline congratulates the remaining players for making the final three. Now, after three months at the ranch, they're being sent home to live on their own. And a few months from now, they'll be brought back for one final weigh-in. The winner of which will walk away with a $250,000 prize. Brought to you by Jell-O. Jell-O? What happened to Diet-Rite? Speaking of which, what happened to Andrea's Diet-Rite Transformation segment? They don't even show it tonight. Instead, you have to go to NBC's website to see it. What did Diet-Rite do to piss off NBC so badly?

One at a time, the players go to the gym to say good-bye to their trainers. Suzi goes first. She tells us she was so glad to see Bob, to show him that she had made it. At least that's what I think she said, as she was squeaking so badly my dogs started barking at the TV, my cat coughed up a hair ball and a bird flew into my window. Also, I think my kidneys stopped functioning for a few minutes. Bob gives her a big Zen hug. "Great things are happening, but at the same time, sad things are happening," Suzi says. "And so, how do you deal with both emotions at the same time?" Duh, you don't, silly. You just ignore the sad ones. Don't you remember anything about being fat?

Bob says he wants to introduce Suzi to someone she used to know. At that, he spins around a life-size cutout of the old Suzi. New Suzi makes the hex sign to ward off the evil spirit. She can't believe how bad she looked. "It was not me," she says. "But it was me. But it wasn't me. But it was me…" At that, her head spins around, smoke pours out of her ears and she emits one final squeak. Finally, the evil Suzi-bot is dead! Actually, only a little smoke comes out of her ears before Bob distracts her by jingling a shiny object next to her cutout. I gotta say, it really is amazing how much better she looks. "Forget about the game," Bob tells her. "Just live the life that we created. And you will come back naturally thinner, and you are going to blow everybody's socks off. Because if any girl can win this game, it's you." Suzi tells us she walked into this house single, and she's walking out single. But she's not afraid anymore. Wait, did she think this was a dating show? How funny would that've been? Too bad they cancelled Joe Schmo. That would've been an awesome third-season premise. (Ashes to ashes, Dust to Dust, Goodbye Suzi, You're dead to us.)

Seth is up next. Jillian tells him to have a seat, then asks him if he remembers this person, before revealing a cardboard cutout of Wayne Gacy. Nah, it's a cardboard cutout of Seth, complete with pregnancy stretch marks on his belly. He finds the whole thing funny. "I remember feeling sorry for myself that I was so big," he tells Jillian. "I felt literally like I was busting at the seams. And you can see that I was." He thanks Jillian for all her help. "I did the work," he tells her. "But you paved the way." Ugh! Did BobbieZen write that line? Jillian has no doubt that Seth will continue what he's started at the ranch. "Does he need me?" she asks. "I don't think so. Not anymore." Aw, turns out Seth is just like every other man Jillian's ever wanted.

Finally, it's Matt's turn. I hope Jillian has some tissues. Jillian shows him the life-size Matt cutout. And he cries. "I felt bad for the guy I was looking at," he says. "Because I was there. That was me. Literally. And it's tough to see yourself like that. I'm surprised I didn't pop." He kisses his cutout on the forehead, and tells us "that old Matt's dead. That was my closure." Jillian tells him "I almost can't conceive of the transformation." Other things Jillian can't conceive: children, for her insides are a rocky place, where H.I.'s seed can find no purchase.

The players now are on their own. Next week, we'll get to see how they've fared the past few months away from the ranch, with no supervision and nothing to keep them from falling back into their old habits. So who do you think will win? Matt? Suzi? Seth? The twins?

Posted by at 3:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

At long last, The Real World: Austin finally came to an end Tuesday night, and because we've been such troopers all season long, the kids decided to throw in one last idiotic fight for old times sake. Say what you will about this cast, but at least this finale didn't end on a whimper. It was more like a rage-filled, fist-swinging, dumb-spewing free-for-all that will only serve to tighten the resolve lawmakers have for keeping the drinking age 21. And yet, despite all the chaos, this final episode still seemed somewhat bland. I attribute that, like many of the shortcomings of this season, to the continued fascination the producers have with Danny and Melinda, who served as the bookends of this half-hour. No one cares about these two, much in the same way that no one cared about Alton and Irulan, Landon and Shavonda, or pretty much any other Real World couple (actually, I somewhat enjoyed Colin and Amaya, but that's because they were ridiculous). So anyway, let's take one last gasp of air and finish this bad boy off.

The show began where the season began: atop Mt. Bonnell. Yes, in a rare departure from their normal cuddle zone on the bed, Danny and Melinda ascended the steps to this Austin landmark, and amazingly, Danny did not try to punch a tree for looking at his girl the wrong way. Apparently Melinda had actually done some internet research on Mt. Bonnell, and according to her ace sleuthing, she found out that if you walk down the mountain steps once, you'll fall in love; if you walk down them twice, you'll get engaged; and if you walk down three times, it's inevitable that you'll be married. Yes, nothing like a staircase-based love affair. In other news, Melinda has announced that she will be walking Danny down the stairs every single day for the next three months. You gotta figure she'll at least book his love for the next three hundred years.

When they finally reached the top of the mountain, we saw a flashback to that time when they first met in the very same place. Ah, the good old days. That innocent, less annoying period that I like to call "Episode One." Back then, this season was brimming with potential. This would be the big rebound from Philly. I mean, in that premiere alone there was fighting, drunkenness, girl-on-girl action. Alas, it was all a slow decline from that point on, leading us to now where we can barely stand to watch these kids on screen. I don't know if Austin has been the worst season, but it's certainly the most disappointing.

But anyhoo, back to the mountain. The happy couple took a few pics on their disposable camera, and then we learned the big news: Melinda was gonna go back to Boston with Danny for his birthday and then get an apartment and "be all cute." And by "cute" she meant "BORING AND ANNOYING."

Back at the mansion, cardboard boxes adorned the living room as the roomies began packing up. Thank god. Get the hell out of here already. Of course, as is the tradition with these final episodes, the kids all gathered 'round to reminisce about the memories, with Wes, Johanna, and Rachel taking a nostalgic shine to that first fateful night. "Tonight we can make it all better," Johanna promised, "I won't make out with anyone, and you won't get into any fights." Hmmm... That doesn't sound ominous at all...

That evening, the whole gang went out to party -- even Lacey who took a break from her normal activity: gossiping about every single piece of minutia to her boyfriend Ryan. Well, seems like a nice, joyful way to end the season: everyone back together, having fun, not a shred of drama in sight. No siree. Just good times. That is, until that bitch Wren showed up. Yes, that's right. WREN. You all remember her as the apple of Wes's glazed-over-eye -- the girl who wouldn't put out for Wes until her dignity yielded to her catty jealousy of Johanna. Well, she suddenly transformed from sweet idiot to vicious, seething idiot as she full-on attacked Wes with a verbal assault. To put it simply, she wanted him to "F--K OFF!!!" Yes, Wren was pissed for no apparent reason. Could it have been that Wes was presently grinding on five or six different, unfortunate girls? Or was she simply channeling self-loathing based on the realization that she had had sex with a stumpy man-troll? Could have been both, but probably more of the latter.

"You're nothing Wes. You're NOTHING!" she yelled. Later, she elaborated, "Your roommates come up to me and tell me that you're telling lies and that they don't even believe them." Still didn't really make much sense to me, but at least now we've got something to work with. Plus, she then told Wes he was "this big" which I'll interpret was an attack on his penis size (even if it was more of a character judgment). Okay, I'll just cut to the chase. Basically, Wren was ticked off because apparently her sexual encounter with the third kind was supposed to be a quiet, intimate affair -- a secret, if you will -- and having one of the roomies fling it in her face hurt and embarrassed her. Poor Wren. Who would have thought her bedroom activities with a REALITY STAR would ever wind up out in the open?

Anyway, Wes further explained the situation: "I hooked up with Wren, and it was a big secret. I confided in a couple of roommates what happened and told them it was a big secret." And by "confided," he meant bragged about the whole thing like a jackass. Yes, those of you who have not yet purged the memory of last week's episode from your brain may remember that Wes had said something along the lines of, "How long do you think it will take for me to have sex with Wren? Because I ALREADY DID!!!" So as you can tell, it was most certainly a big secret. You know, the type that you keep between you and AMERICA.

Well, having been sufficiently bitched out by Wren, Wes knew there was only one way to handle the situation: redirect his guilt into a rage-filled witch hunt. The bowl-cutted one stormed out of the bar in search of Rachel and Johanna (his prime suspects!), and while Danny tried to calm him down, not even the power of a slightly askew, knitted, short-brimmed hat could do anything in this situation. At the house, Wes confronted Johanna -- who inexplicably had "I (heart) Rachel" written across her chest -- but she had no idea why Wes was flipping out. Then Rachel walked in with a steamy brat in her hand, and uh oh, this was gonna get bad. After all, we all know what happens if you get Rachel mad when she's trying to eat (must I remind you of the great Nehemiah/fajita debacle of August 30th?).

Acting sort of like the shorter, goofier, and dumber version of Chazz Palminteri in The Usual Suspects, Wes announced that he knew what Rachel had said to Wren. Of course, since what she had said to Wren was probably so slight and forgettable, Rachel had no idea what Wes was talking about, and simply asked, "Why you acting like you're PMSing?" And in case we were wondering, Melinda then piped up to say that Wes was in fact on her Midol. No, I don't understand it either.

Having had enough of this silliness, Rachel simply left the room, at which point Danny nodded and said, "It's obviously Rachel. Without a doubt, it's obviously her." WELL! Then it's settled! The knitted-cap has reached a verdict!

Wes then told us, "What Rachel did was a mistake. She needs to learn that you do not do something like that to a friend or someone that she calls a brother." And Wes clearly is the authority on how to treat a friend. Hey, remember that time last week when he slapped Rachel? Yeah, that was an awesome display of friendship.

Anyway, Wes continued to pester Rachel, who probably should have just taken the high road and ignored him, but instead, she went the Real World road and snapped, "Wren's a nice girl; so f*ck off, bitch!" I didn't really know what she meant by that, but I welcomed it. In response, Wes let out some of his finest WesLogic: "All right, FINE! In private, I f*cked Wren off-camera. Now you bring it up on camera. It's not f*cking off-camera anymore if you bring it up, you stupid [beeeeeep]!!" Hey genius, the only one who's bringing it up on camera is you. Or was you, I should say (cough, bragging last week, cough).

As the tensions escalated, Johanna and Danny tried to run interference by pulling the two feuding cast mates away from each other, but by then, a full-scale shouting match had broken out. Sounds like chaos, better check in with gossip central! Sure enough, there was Lacey on the phone with Ryan, giving the play-by-play through the fish tank. She was trying to play it cool, but you just know that on the inside she was screaming, "YES!!! YES!!! YES!!!"

Well, just when the situation couldn't get any more ridiculous, in marched a drunk Nehemiah who had no idea what was going on, but decided to start yelling and cursing nonetheless. Keep in mind that at this point he was still out on bail for drunkenly punching the owner of "Best Wurst Bratwurst" -- home of Rachel's aforementioned brat. Anyway, with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb officially reunited, this fight escalated to pure insanity, but for some reason, we cut to the grainy Lacey cam and had to watch the action unfold all blurry and indistinct through the fishtank. Where the hell were the camera crews? WE WANT TO SEE THE FIGHT!!

Eventually, the cameras went charging back into the room (maybe the battery packs had died or something) where we found Danny wrestling Rachel onto the couch, Wes holding his hands behind his back, and Nehemiah still shouting and wanting to fight. Melinda tried to stop the fallen film student, but he shoved her away violently, bellowing to Rachel, "I'LL KILL YOU!"

"Nehemiah, stop it PLEASE!" cried Melinda, but it was of no use. Eventually, things somehow simmered down (an effect I like to call "sobriety"), and the fighting parties separated. Melinda and Rachel bawled themselves to the front door and then sat outside for more incomprehensible sobbing. And let me tell you something: when it comes to incomprehensible sobbing, no one beats Rachel. Moments later in an interview, Melinda then told us, "Two guys should not gang up on one girl." True, but what if the guys were short, dumb, and incredibly insecure? Is it all right then? Hmmm... Probably not.

Meanwhile, inside, Wes expressed his frustration with the proper amount of Kindergarten clarity. "I HATE HER!!" he whined, adding, "She casually mentioned that I was bragging about my sexual conquests with Wren, who, by the way, I banged. I HATE HER!!!" And to prove just how much he hated Rachel, Wes then threw a glass against the wall, shattering it like so many dreams he once had of living happily ever after with his beloved Wren. It's okay, man. Let it all out. Throw that shit against the wall. That'll teach that glass not to betray you!

Out on the street, Johanna tried to talk some sense into Rachel. "Stop crying! Get yourself together! You look like a f*cking idiot!" she scolded, and after a few more sniffles and protests, Rachel finally replied, "Johanna, I can't take it. Johanna, I'd rather sleep in the street." Insert tasteless homeless veteran joke here. Yeah, that's right -- I just made fun of someone's tragic plight. You got a problem with that? Well maybe you should throw a glass against the wall!!

Anyway, Rachel finally returned to the house (where a quietly observant Lacey greeted her -- it's all going in to the Ryan Report) and then called up her boyfriend Erik to vent. Normally, I hate the Erik/Rachel babble, but at least this time it was somewhat informative. We learned what really happened between her and Nehemiah, and I'll just tell you this: it still doesn't make any sense. Apparently, when Nehemiah saw that there was fighting, he instinctually began calling Rachel a whore, and finally, after enough of this, Rachel retorted that at least she didn't go to jail. Oooh. Nice. Well, Nehemiah's comeback was that "at least I didn't go to Iraq and claim I did stuff when I really didn't do anything at all." Hmmm... kind of a low blow. And an uninformed blow too. And, in the grand scheme of things, just a poor insult in general. Hey, remember when Nehemiah was supposed to be the cool one? The rational one? I wonder what happened? Oh, that's right. He began hanging out with Wes. It all makes sense now.

Well, the phone call ended with Rachel declaring that she'd never speak to Nehemiah again, which was all nice and naive and stuff (spoiler alert: they've talked. I seen it with mine own eyes!), but then we moved into the other bedroom and found the real victims of this fight: Danny and Melinda. Yes, the lovebirds curled up together on the bed and cuddled, thanking each other for helping them get through this mad, mad house. Oh, such innocent love! To think that it was almost crushed by these wanton barbarians! It would have been a true loss for humanity. But as long as they have each other, they got the world spinnin' right in their hands. Baby, Mel and Danny, they gotta be the luckiest dreamers who never quit dreamin'!

The next morning, it was time to ship out, which was pretty cool because a) we didn't have to sit through some lame apology scene, and b) it made for one of the most awkward goodbye episodes ever. Rachel headed out first and didn't even bother to say anything to Wes and Nehemiah. Ouch! Cold! Awesome! But don't worry. Wes was fine with it. "Rachel basically defied my friendship with her last night," he said. Well, it's a good thing that he rationally approached her about the whole situation to find out if maybe he had misinterpreted anything along the way. You know, because friends give each other the benefit of the doubt. Especially when one of them is black-out drunk. But seriously, Rachel defied the friendship.

Wes continued with his idiocy: "I knew she made a mistake. I called her out on it, and I got her back. I made her feel bad." Is that what you do to people who make mistakes? Kind of feels, um, what's the word I'm looking for? Ah yes. IMMATURE.

Next to leave was Nehemiah, but he wasn't really leaving, on account of his court date. You know, for punching out the hot dog guy. What a legacy, Neh. He was followed by Lacey who had a surprise visitor: Ryan! Yay! Reunited! Lacey then suddenly ran upstairs, got on the phone, and called Ryan up to say, "Oh my god. You will never believe this gossip. This is crazy. You are downstairs. I just saw you! You're picking me up! Isn't that wild?"

Anyway, Lacey departed, and up next was Wes, who explained to us, "I am no longer part of a group called the seven strangers. I am part of a group called--" The Crappy Haircut Victims of America? The Dumb Alcoholic Men Who Attack Women Club? The Federation of Men Who Look Like Lacey? Actually no. It was some lame line about seven people who've shared a rich and wonderful experience and blah blah blah -- he was gone.

After the Wes left the building, we were down to just Danny, Melinda, and Johanna, and we all knew what this was leading to: the long goodbye between lovers. So let's not put this off any longer. Get out of here, Joey. Now everyone grab your barfbags. We are about to commence on a path of sappy, boring love. Yes, with only the two lovahs left in the house, there was little else to do except nostalgically remember all those great memories. You know, like that time everyone partied in the hot tub. Or that time Danny and Melinda made out in the shower. Or that time when... sorry, I fell asleep. Where was I? Oh look! They're at the airport! With knitted, brimmed cap in full poseur effect, Danny guided Melinda to her departure gate, and then the two cried and cried, and in interviews, they reiterated how much they loved each other. Yeah, yeah. This was all fine and good, but c'mon. You already told us you were moving in together in like three days. Must we see all this sentimentality? JUST END!

Well, Melinda finally sobbed her way down the jetway, and we faded to black once and for all. Next week, we've got the reunion show, and based on the early previews, it looks like everyone bashes Lacey for talking smack (like they haven't? I knew she'd be the outcast! Better late than never!), but more interestingly, it looks like Nehemiah might win back some much-needed cool points for attacking Danny. And by the way, lovely Mystic Tan, Danny. The new teeth look wonderful also. Did anyone see those things? Should make for one last surge of snark before this season is completely and totally dunzo.

What did you think of the finale? How about the season? And what about the big fight? How culpable was Wes and how culpable was Rachel?

Posted by at 1:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (67)

Well, Paula Dean dominated her turkey. Let's see what bag of tricks the docile Ina Garten of The Barefoot Contessa has up her sleeves...

Posted by at 4:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Sandra Lee maybe known for ample cleavage, but what about those super-long arms? Those things have to be about four feet long. Between her bizarre arm-length and Giada's oversized head, the Food Network is starting to really creep me out.

Posted by at 3:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

If there is any host on the Food Network that I could "get behind" it would be Rachael Ray. There may be women who are better looking or have better bodies on the Food Network, but Rachel seems to be really low maintenance, and that scores a lot of points in my book. It's the Food Network, so everybody has cooking skill, but I think Ms. Ray has a great combination of originality and great taste, and she's not spending so much time in the kitchen or preparing the table that she would be too tired to enjoy other leisure(you have to imagine I pronounced that leh-zhure) activities. To top it all off, she could probably do all of this while she is more than half drunk, which we are pretty sure she might be most of the time anyway. Oh, and she's from upstate New York, so I can't hate on the hood. For Thanksgiving, Rachael put a twist on her 30 Minute Meals to prepare an extra special Thanksgiving in 60. Would the queen of the apple people be able to pull it off? With a little luck and a lot of EVOO, she was going to try.

To make her meal in 60 minutes, Rachael took two huge shortcuts. For the turkey, she used whole turkey breasts from the butcher instead of a whole bird, which when you think about it is not that bad of an idea. Most people fight over the breast meat anyway, so why not spend time on giving the people what they demand? The other big shortcut was with dessert, where Rachael bought an apple pie from the store!!! As you know, I hate exclamation marks, so this really pisses me off. A self-loved apple person who buys the pie from the store? I was making Grandma J-Unit's one crust apple pie this morning while watching this special and so it pains me to see people faking it. Then again, I guess since Rachael isn't the greatest baker, she doesn't want to do her beloved apples an unjustice, so I'll let that slide.

What has two thumbs, small breasts and likes hand gestures? THIS GIRL!!!

When I have to hide my herbs, I use the false bottom of a Nestle Quik can.

Did Rachael really need to wear a shirt that further separates her breasts?

Rachael's rustic potatoes au gratin with cream and parmesan cheese. Or should I say par-muh-ZHAN-o reg-gi-AHN-o!

It's amazing how she is able to chop so well after that stroke left half of her face paralyzed.

Gotta give props to baking the stuffing in muffin tin.

Rachael's people are apple picking people. Also, they're people with an affinity to uncomfortably tight pants and shirts.

E-V-O-O count: 3

Rachael Ray makes pumpkin soup. Also, do you think she and Ebert go to the same Bell's Palsy support group?

You know Rachael couldn't go a whole episode without talking about alcohol. Her tip: hot totties with apple cider and cinnamon schnapps. Can't WAIT for her egg nog.

I have to admit, Rachael's finished turkey breasts look like they are to die for. Or perhaps you get gangrene and then you die.

You can give Rachael a lot of shit, and maybe you will need 90 minutes to do everything she did, but she had a bunch of good stuff, and you don't have to deal with the hassle of a whole bird- just ask Alton Brown if you need to know how much of a pain it is. I could probably live off that apple onion stuffing for days and those potatoes are something you could make at any time. All I have to say is:

YUM!

Posted by at 3:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (23)

Posted by at 2:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Hey y'all! Y'all want more Paula Deen? Sho' y'all do! And that's precisely why I watched Paula's wondrous Southern Thanksgiving special from last year this week on the Food Network. I have to admit, her Thanksgiving spread wasn't nearly as heart stopping as I'd anticipated. There was only one deep fried item (a turkey), a couple pan fried items (bacon wrapped bread sticks and creamed corn with bacon drippings) and one dessert disguised as a vegetable.

Paula invited us into her world; we met her physically fit sons (who obviously don't touch their mom's cooking), her daughters-in-law, her Hells Angels meets Santa Claus husband (who is the poster child for what happens to the human body when you do eat Paula's food), and her dog, Sambo. Yes, Sambo. Who knows, maybe Paula is a practitioner of the martial art of that name, rather than an old Southern belle from Georgia hanging on to things like the Confederate flag and historically racist books.

Paula made something called "Oyster dressing" which is apparently a southern staple. So, for all of my friends here in Connecticut that insist I am from the South (Philly area), I have never even heard of oyster dressing, let alone eaten it. So there. I was born and raised north of the Mason-Dixon Line, thankyouverymuch. Though, I can recommend some good places to chow on some scrapple, if you're into that sort of thing. So the oyster dressing looked delish and Paula was on her way.

On her way to the slaughterhouse, that is. Before I knew what hit me, Paula was standing before a giant pile of meat; About 30 lbs worth of poultry. She was preparing a very special dish called "turducken." A turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken all stuffed with stuffing. Hmmm, intriguing. Why she left out the Cornish hen stuffed with a quail stuffed with a hummingbird is beyond me - the turduckenhenailbird, of course. Paula giggled through some of her typical innuendo ("Don't forget to rub your meat *wink*" and "Splay your legs, ooooh!") and called in her husband. I guess all that sex talk got him to the kitchen. Though, looking at Michael, it's the food talk that gets him out of his chair more these days.

She and Michael wrapped up the HUGE turducken mess and shared a kiss. Yes, that's what I like. A stolen kiss over a giant pile of raw meat. Yum yum. As if that weren't disgusting enough, she then proceeded to merely rinse her hands in water. Nah, no soap for Paula, just good ol' Savannah water to wash off her salmonella and avian flu.

[Sidenote: I was listening to ESPN radio the other night and heard Coach Mike Ditka say that he'd be enjoying some "Turduckauge" on the big day - turkey, duck, and sausage. And we all remember those George Wendt/Chris Farley SNL skits, now don't we.]

Paula proclaimed her meal so far as "SlapKaDap-Perfect" and licked her diseased fingers. Not content with giving herself some heretofore unknown turducken-borne illness, she then joined her two sons out with the deep fried turkey and promoted her heart disease as well. How does one finish off a deep fried bird? By literally pouring what was at least a half cup of melted butter into the cavity of the bird. And you know dear Paula licked that butter pot afterwards too.

The sons continued their segment after telling their mom that she was, "About four weeks away from starving" by cooking some ridiculous cheeseburgers encased in puff pastry and preparing some bacon wrapped breadsticks. I thought of a rather lewd joke about how Paula probably enjoys certain "sticks" wrapped in bacon but it's the holidays, y'all, so I won't go there. Let's just say that I hope Michael is careful.

Next, Paula took some perfectly healthy sweet potatoes and added her special Paula touch. She mashed them up, dumped in a ton of brown sugar and butter, mashed that up into balls the size of softballs, inserted marshmallows into their centers, and rolled them in coconut. I'm sure that's tasty but when that's more or less your vegetable, you might want to have the cardiologist on speed dial.

Then it was time for a quick trip to the candy store. In spite of the "No sampling" signs around the store, Paula stuffed her face with about ten different pieces of candy. "When you bring a fat girl to a candy store, wait'll you see how big her smile gets." Um, no offense, but I'd be more concerned with how big her ass gets, but that's just me.

After three wardrobe changes due to her general sloppiness and several instances of her sons mimicking her unsanitary finger licking practices (ugh, these people own a restaurant?), it was time to eat.

What did I learn? Well, I learned the difference between "Bawwl" ("boil") and, "Balww" ("ball"), that Paula laughs like Richard Simmons, and that drinking butter from a deep fried turkey carcass is simply devine, y'all!

Posted by at 2:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

You put that down, Miss Thang!

Posted by at 1:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

BREAKING NEWS: Food Network chef Sandra Lee has recently escaped the Fox River Maximum Security Prison. She is believed to be armed and dangerous and was last seen in her bright orange prison jumpsuit. If you see this woman on the side of the highway, do not pick her up -- even if she offers to design you a fantastic tablescape. Instead, please report her to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Posted by at 1:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

If it’s a wacky camera angle and weird characters you know you’ve entered the world of Good Eats, The flagship show of Food Network. I first became aware of Good Eats a few years ago when I was clicking through the channels and came upon his show. The only reason I paused to watch it was because I thought Alton Brown looked like Luke Skywalker. And honestly, who wouldn't watch a cooking show by Luke Skywalker? Except maybe those damn Sand People. Anyways, I was fascinated by his ability to teach you about cooking, as opposed to just cooking something and saying Yum-O!. I didn’t know a tomato in the fridge would ruin its flavor, or an artichoke is just a blossom of a giant thistle flower, but I do now. And I can now tell you the history of Teflon. And I am a better man for it.

Yes, Alton's extremely anal retentive, and yes sometimes his gimmicky props go a little overboard. But I love him. I love him as deep and as pure as a mother loves her newborn, or a crack whore enjoys a hot bath. Or her crack. Either one. So without further ado, let us examine the cause of my heterosexual man crush on the man they call Alton Brown.

As far as I am concerned the Food Network is Alton Brown. Everything else is just filler shows in between AB (and occasional leering at Giada, or if I'm feeling particularly saucy, Ina Garten). His show isn't just about cooking. If you sit down expecting him just to rattle off a recipe for garlic chicken, you will be in for a shock. First he will go through the history of Garlic with a culinary anthropologist (# 2 on my list of jobs I wish I had, after President of the David Hasselhoff Fan Club. HASSELHOFF!). Then he will examine how it was first cultivated, what cultures brought it to America. Next he will go through the chemical composition of garlic that makes it what it is (smaller bulbs have more intense flavor, you must dice and/or crush the garlic so the enzyme allinase can digest the sulfur rich amino acid alliin, thus creating allicin, which creates the smell and taste of garlic we all love). From there he will tell you what to look for when shopping for Garlic, how to store it, and then, finally, go through a few recipe's. Oh, and he’ll also go over a cooking instrument to help you find the best one on the market. And trivia. Lots of trivia. All that in one half hour. What more do you want?

Admit it. You didn't know that did you?

Also with Alton is a cast of semi regulars who pop up from time to time to help us on our culinary journey. We have Shirley, the adorable big lesbian looking food scientist. Debra, out nutritional anthropologist and W, Alton’s Bond like equipment specialist. Even Altons mannish looking sister has made a few appearances.

Spanky Lives!

Sadly Altons wife and daughter have yet to make an appearance. I don't know why but I have been curious about seeing a picture of the woman he married. Jealousy? Umm, no, not really. I'm as man as man can be. Just ask my mom. I'm just fascinated by his oddly asexual behavior, so I wanted to see the woman he gets his freak on with. Does that make me weird? It does doesn't it? Oh well. For anyone interested, here’s a picture of the happy family.

Sigh...The luckiest woman in the world.

Now with his odd choices there are the occasional duds out there. He once did an entire episode about beets. And try as he might, they are still beets, and beets are gross. Or he will go to such ridiculous extremes to get something that you can simply buy at a store in 5 minutes. When he was going through his long process of making homemade liquid smoke (which involved buying aluminum tubing of some sort) I remembered I saw a bottle of it at the Stop and Shop for $3.99. And who can forget his entire episode devoted to making your own homemade bacon? Well if you missed it, don't worry, here is the recipe :

Once the brine has cooled place the peppered pork belly into the mixture until completely submerged. Refrigerate for three days. After three days have passed, remove the pork from the brine and pat dry with paper towels. Lay on a rack over a sheet pan and place in front of a fan for 1 hour to form a pellicle. Lay the pork in the protein box of a cold smoker and smoke for 4 to 6 hours. Chill the meat in the freezer for 1 hour to stiffen for easy slicing into strips of bacon. Slice what you need and keep the remainder in a freezer safe bag in the refrigerator or freezer.

Fantastic! All I need to do is spend 3 days brining pork, stick it in front of a fan for an hour and then into my handy dandy cold smoker for another 6 hours. Why isn't the process of making your own bacon not sweeping the country?

But for every wildly impractical episode like that or "homemade mayonnaise" we get some real gems like his braised baby back ribs finished under the broiler or his amazing macaroni and cheese that will give any artery a run for its money.

Now if there is a downside to Alton it would be his amazing propensity to be the most anal retentive person in the history of the world. His 4 layer process on storing mussels just makes me concerned for his mental health. Who buys mussels and stores them? There was also an episode where he showed us the 8 steps in packing the ultimate cooler. He even cut it down the middle for a cross sectioned view. And he has this odd predilection for using Japanese Panko breadcrumbs that I have yet to figure out. That and Old Bay seasoning. He loves Old Bay. But so do I so I don’t mind that so much.

There is also what I like to refer to as the MacGyver effrect. Comparing him to MacGyver is nothing new of course. He's even referred to MacGyver as his patron saint. Blasphemy if you ask me. I worship Saint B.A. Baracus, who teaches you to above all else, respect yo momma. But I digress. Alton loves to use unconventional items when ones normal people would use just aren't normal enough. Or to put it a better way, he teaches you that buying a 99 cent unglazed quarry tile from a local building supply store is a lot better than a 40 dollar pizza stone from Williams Sonoma, and they both achieve the same result. Now sometimes his tips are helpful (you'd be amazed how many uses he gets out of a grapefruit spoon) and some are just plain odd (the cardboard salmon smoker). It never occurred to me to stick pots on the inside of a cabinet drawer with a magnet to save space. Or sticking spice tins on the inside of a cabinet door with Velcro. The man is just chock full of ideas like that.

Of his recipe's I have made the following;

Baby Back Ribs. Fantastic. I still make them to this day.

Macaroni and Cheese. Great but a little labor intensive. That and the 8 thousand calories keeps me from making it a regular addition to my meals.

Fondue. (the less said about that evening the better)

Meatloaf. Ahh, this one was a masterpiece. His key is to not use a meatloaf pan and instead form it by hand on a baking sheet with parchment paper. This way you get more of that delicious crust.

40 cloves and a chicken. Chicken and lots of garlic. you can't really screw that up.

Chipotle Smashed Sweet Potatoes. Just writing that gets me aroused.

Coffee. Granted its just coffee but Alton has his own method. Now I love coffee. I am a whore for a "Big One" Vanilla Spice from Dunkin Donuts ($2.36 with tax). Actually I am whore for many things, but that's another story. Using 2 heaping tablespoons of grounds to 6 ounces of water, as Alton does for making coffee is absolutely insane.

And with the holidays coming up, how awesome would it be if some devoted TvGasm fan decided to buy me the entire 27 disc complete DVD collection? It's on sale for an amazingly low $279.99. What a steal! Any takers? Anyone? No? OK, but remember this. If you don't buy it for me it will make baby Jesus cry. If you want that on your heads thats your business.

And if you'll permit me a sappy moment, what I have learned how to do most of all from Mr. Brown, is to cook, not just follow a recipe. Once I found out how great his rib recipe was I tweaked it and experimented with it to create my very own version. That's what cooking is all about, making things your own and moving off the page. OK. Now I’m starting to cry a little. Ah jeez. This is so embarrassing. Ummm. ahh. Heck, now that I've gone this far I'd just also like to say that ahhh , I love each and every one of you TvGasm readers. Even the ones who give me shit about my grammar. Sniff. OK. Focus Ed, focus. Think of Tara Reids nipple. And...I'm back.

So to conclude, Alton Brown is god. He taught me about the Maillard reaction, the 5 government classifications of tomatoes, and most of all, he taught me how to love again. You are doing yourself a disservice if you don't watch his show.

Posted by EdHIll at 12:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (22)

Behold! The Giada consumes salad! But is the lettuce coming in or going out? Only Giada knows!

Posted by at 12:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

You know you've pondered it. Who's the hottest, sexiest woman on the Food Channel? After careful consideration, I narrowed the list down to these eight hot bitches, and I think you'll be surprised at who winds up on top. Of course, we here at TVgasm invite all sorts of friendly dialogue, so feel free to praise or reject these choices as you wish.

Okay, enough stalling. Let's check out the ladies!

8. Sara Moulton, Sara's Secrets

Okay, she's sort of a plain jane, but I like to think that Sandra Lee is going to give her a super sexy makeover -- at which point Sara will abandon all her friends and become super popular, only to realize that it's what's on the inside that counts most.

7. Akiko Katayama, Iron Chef America

With her sleek hair and a strong aversion to anything remotely oily, Akiko proves that you don't need to have a midwestern accent to be sexy. She probably appeals most to urbane city dwellers who furnish their apartments with stainless steel surfaces and various Koehler faucets.

6. Victoria Riccardi, Iron Chef America

The Annette Bening of the Food Network, Victoria is a frequent judge for Iron Chef. She's prone to whimsical criticisms and fighting with fellow judge Jeffrey Steingarten (when he's not cramming his mouth with his hands or spitting out crumbs). H-O-T.

5. Paula Dean, Paula's Home Cooking

I've never seen a woman love fat the way Paula loves it. She eats sticks of butter like Kit-Kats, and I find that to be very, very hot.

4. Rachel Ray, 30 Minute Meals

Rachel wins bonus points for her spread in FHM as well as that groovy upstate New York accent. She's wholesome and lovable, even if you do sometimes want to bang her over the head with a non-stick cast-iron skillet. I've never seen someone more excited about scraping the back of a zester (because that's where all the zest is!), and even though I instantly hated her acronym E.V.O.O. (extra virgin olive oil), I found myself uncontrollably saying it about three minutes later. I guess I must have fallen under her sexy, sexy spell.

3. Sandra Lee, Semi Homemade

The queen of "YUM!", Sandra Lee and her sweater-defying breasts has become the pinup girl of the Food Network. And even though she's often wrapped up in family-friendly sweaters and turtlenecks, we all can sense a little tramp in there. At the company Christmas party, you just know Sandra's the one with Tyler Florence and Bobby Flay crowding around her while Rachel Ray and Sarah Moulton watch jealously from afar. Maybe they'd get a little action too if they'd be willing to do a quickie in the men's room and then drunkenly photocopy their asses. Yum!

2. Giada De Laurentiis, Everyday Italian

I bet most people thought I'd rank Giada as #1. Well, I'm not as predictable as you might think. Truthfully, Giada is super fine. She often gets kooky and her head does balloon to frightening sizes, but with that paradoxical girl-next-door meets wealthy-Italian-heir thing going for her, Giada wins my heart any day.

1. Ina Garten, Barefoot Contessa

It may seem like a shocker, but with her Hamptons charm, heavy breathing, ubiquitous chuckle, and undying desire to feed her husband Jeffrey, Ina Garten has proven herself to be the sexiest woman on the Food Network. Can't really explain why she's sexier than all the rest, but let's just say, she has that certain "it" factor. I mean, let's not overlook the steady stream of men that come through her dining room. Granted, they're almost all gay, but who cares? She can turn 'em if she wants!

Posted by at 11:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (30)

When B-Side and J-Unit suggested we do a special Thanksgiving tribute to The Food Network, I have to admit I was a little hesitant to participate. For one, I don't watch TFN. For another, I have the culinary skills of Jeffrey Dahmer. But hey, as the three regular readers of my RAW recaps can attest, I've never let ignorance get in the way of making fun of somebody. In this case, that somebody is Warren Brown, host of TFN's Sugar Rush.

Still, in the spirit of the holiday, and to be fair to Mr. Brown, I decided to try out this "Google" thing I've heard so much about. And boy am I glad I did. Otherwise I'd never have learned how much porn there is on the Internet. Did you know there are people out there who like to be pooped on?! Does John Ashcroft know about this?

I also learned that Warren is a self-taught pastry chef, and prior to opening the CakeLove Bakery and Love Cafe in Washington, DC, he was a lawyer litigating health care fraud on behalf of the Department of Health and Human Services. Oh, and he still sucks his thumb.

As they say in Pastrytown, however, that's just the tip of the proverbial chocolate iceberg. (Or at least as I imagine they'd say, if there were such a place as Pastrytown. And what a happy place it would be, too, what with everything made of pastry and all.) Because when I tried to document the growth of his hair through a Google image search, I discovered Mr. Brown has also been a Friar, a drunk redneck and defensive tackle for the Cleveland Browns.

Anyway, this particular episode of Sugar Rush was entitled Chocolate Fantasy: Chocolate Burritos. I don't know about you, but when I think of a chocolate fantasy, a chocolate burrito isn't the first thing that springs to mind. (I can just imagine what those filthy scatters would do with something like that.) Still, who am I to judge...

Over the course of the show, Warren introduces us to the pastry chef at Wynn Las Vegas, takes us behind the scenes at a pastry competition in Phoenix, meets the creator of "El Diablo" (voted "Best Desert in Seattle"), and finishes with a visit to a chocolate shop in Providence, Rhode Island. In between segments he shares his secret recipe for Chocolate Burritos. (Hint: they're made with chocolate!)

One interesting thing I learned from the Vegas segment is that there's actually such a thing as modeling chocolate. And it looks a lot like plastic explosives. If the plastic explosives were made of chocolate, that is. Which got me to thinking how much fun the writers of 24 could have with something like that. Can you imagine the look on a terrorist's face when Jack cripples him with his pinky, before nonchalantly eating the bomb? That would totally rule!

A few tidbits from the pastry competition worth sharing: dark chocolate is harder, so it's good for structure. White chocolate is good for color. Chocolate artistes warm their chocolate with hair dryers, and cool it with canned air. So chances are good it has cold hair in it. Something to remember the next time you eat a chocolate sculpture.

Meanwhile, the creator of Seattle's "El Diablo" believes the best part of cooking to be "knives and fire." Man I hope she makes the next season of Hell's Kitchen. And the owner of Garrison's Confections in Providence feels people shop for chocolate the same way women shop for a man: "Looks matter. The design does enhance it, because people buy with their eyes. Even if something is really pretty, but the one next to it isn't as pretty, but tastes a lot better, they'll take the one that's really pretty."

Finally, what would a one-shot recap of Sugar Rush be without the wit and wisdom of one Warren Brown, Esq.?

"Temperature is the vehicle that alters the impact of the chocolate flavor in this dish. In this melted and warmed state, the chocolate escapes into the recesses of the throat waking up taste buds that are far off of the map from the tongue. Feeling the effect of pristine chocolate, not hot and not cool, paired with the sharp citrus accent and richly textured nut meats adds dimension and lengthens this favorable chewing experience. Don't use chips. There is something added to them which prevents the drippy effect of chocolate which looks great upon cutting and has a cleaner, unobstructed flavor."

Now if you'll excuse me, my trytophan is calling. Have a happy Thanksgiving.

Posted by at 11:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

From time to time, I like to check in on my favorite Food Network star, Giada De Laurentiis of Everyday Italian, to see what she's got cookin'. Okay, that's not entirely true. While I do enjoy the Giada cuisine (I happily butchered her rigatoni in bechemel sauce just last week), the real reason I tune in is simply to gawk at her oversized noggin. Seriously, this woman has the largest cranium on basic cable, and it only gets larger when she bares those vicious chompers of hers. This woman has more teeth than a comb factory (rimshot!). But Giada, if you're reading this, please know that this is what makes you special and unique. I wouldn't want you any other way.

Please make me dinner one day. Please please?

Posted by at 10:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

On one of the Thanksgiving-themed editions of Paula's Home Cooking, our favorite mistress of fat and butter, Paula Dean, tackled that most beloved of traditions: deep frying a turkey. So who would wind up on top? The turkey or Paula? The answer after the jump...

Posted by at 10:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

I'll be honest, Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee isn't one of my usual Food Network guilty pleasures. Maybe it's her rushed delivery that makes me jumpy and turns me off. Perhaps it's her obsession with something called "Tablescapes" which until watching Sandra were completely foreign to me - as they shall remain. Or, perhaps it's the fact that her "recipes" suck? That's probably it.

I watched two of her shows for this special Thanksgiving TVgasm offering and that's plenty, trust me (and remember, I love my Food Network). The first thing one notices is the Barbara Walters soft-filter on the cameras. Actually, that's not true - usually, the first thing I notice about the show are Sandra's gigantic sagging boobies. Unfortunately, on the first episode I watched, Ms. Lee wore a very modest/loose black blouse. Lame. I'm certainly not a "boob guy" at all, but c'mon Sandra, give me something I can work with here! Well, she did actually show us her cans - cans of soup, cans of sauces, cans of veggies... (See above) *Rimshot!*

Sandra Lee is nuts. Her "thing" is to create a theme for each meal and run with it all the way down to the Theater of the Absurd. The first episode's theme was "Movie Night" and the menu consisted of a fondue, some popcorn, some booze, some other dip, and lasagna. Sandra is for those of you who can't cook for shit but love love loooooove to decorate. Also, you must wear creepy black eyeliner. In other words, Sandra totally dominates the gay Goth demographic.

"Semi-Homemade" means making simple and quick meals using crap you've bought at the supermarket and forgotten about in your pantries. She's the anti-Alton. It also means you have to say, "Pop this (item) into the (sink/bowl/fridge/mouth/etc)" a lot.

The second episode I studied was her quick little Thanksgiving meal. Not much to report here except Sandra wore one of her patented tight turtlenecks which was nice (she is kind of a MILF, but her Stepford qualities still would scare me away). She also used stuffing from a store-bought plastic bag and Cool Whip in her dessert/drink thing. Cool Whip! Let me tell you people something - if you're making a meal for more than just your immediate family, you had better buy the stupid heavy cream and whip that shit up the right way. It takes 5 minutes and it's infinitely better than freaking Cool Whip.

I guess Sandra spends 3 hours decorating her kitchen, dining room, and tablescapes instead of actually cooking. My final thought? Move this show to HDTV or Discovery Home - this is NOT cooking. Or, have her do it in a bikini, teach her spanish, and put it on Telemundo. Yeah, that would be good.

Posted by at 9:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

I have to say, I am glad that TVgasm has been able to unleash all of this pent up demand for all things Food Network. That being said, I don't share quite the obsessions about most of the hosts and their show, but I can certainly relate. My Food Network obsession is Iron Chef and Iron Chef America, which I wrote about awhile ago. I really like the kitschy quality of the original series, and the current version on the Food Network is a lot of fun as well. A few weeks ago we got to witness Battle Turkey in Kitchen Stadium. Since we are doing an all Food Netwok Special for Thanksgiving, I thought it would be appropriate to let you know whose cuisine reigns supreme.

One of the best parts about Iron Chef America is the pageantry we place in the whole event, from introducing the challengers, to choosing the iron chef, to the revelation of the secret ingredient. For Battle Turkey the challengers were Mary Sue Milliken and Susan Feniger, two very famous chefs who are known for their Border Grille restaurants among others, as well as their books and Food Network show Too Hot Tamales. As you can guess by the name, their specialty is Latin cooking, and what better person to match them up with than Iron Chef Bobby Flay! A lot of people hate Bobby Flay's arrogance, but I kind of like how huge of an asshole he is and can appreciate the huge ego he has with regards to his own work. Besides, let's cut him some slack. He's a ginger kid with a lisp, and if he had been born thirty years earlier, he might have lived his entire life in a sanitarium for angry red heads with speech impediments. So he likes to gloat! Can you really blame him?

Our chairman, Mark Dacascos, always comes in with a lot of energy, or at least we always get a clip of him doing a back flip, but Susan Feniger was waiting with her own little show. She had taken an iron to the back of her smock and let it sit there, burning the shape of her iron onto the back. Well, either that or she had some really strange skid marks. She called herself the "Ironed Chef". Although both Mark and Susan do have a flair for the dramatic, neither of them can match the original chairman Takeshi Kaga. Somebody said that he wore Freddy Mercury outfits[that would be holyterror], but Freddy Mercury humping Elton John would not be nearly as flamboyant as what Takeshi wore. He walked around like he was at a constant dress rehearsal for Pride and Prejudice, and his clothing usually featured more ruffles and adornment than a French pirate (during the first republic, I think they discovered the Islands of Prada and Barney's somewhere off of Macao).

After Mark introduced Turkey, the chefs got to work. Allez cuisine!

Paula Dean's battle? No, that brown sugar, molasses and butter is going to go into a, wait for it, turkey sorbet.

Alton got really excited talking turkey trivia. He wasn't able to work aromatics and seratonin in the same sentence however.

Bobby Flay is making tamales? No way!

Susan forgot to bring her strap-on pasta insemination kit, or she left it at the hotel.

Kevin Brauch takes a taste of the Turkey Sorbet

My favorite Tamales dish. If it's not Scottish, it's crap!

My favorite Bobby Flay dish. Southern style Thanksgiving

Overall, it looked like we had a bunch of interesting dishes. Bobby Flay can usually hold his own, and is very difficult to beat, but going up against two chefs with the skills of the Hot Tamales is no easy task. Then again, there is that turkey sorbet. The judges for this week were Jeffery Steingarten, Katy McLaughlin, and Natalie Morales. At first I thought it was Soledad O'Brien, who has also been judge, but they really are different people. Who would have known? They use Steingarten a lot, and although he is a famous critic, he comes across as a slob who probably hooks himself up to a crisco IV at night, and for some reason he always picks fights with the other judges.

Maybe it was the hair.

Triple bypass? I'll take one!

When the judges finished, we got our results, and in a very rare occurrence, the score was tied. Even more unlikely, their score for taste, originality, and plating were all identical. It wasn't the craziest kitchen stadium battle, because I always like more exotic ingredients (which is why I watch the Japanese version), but there were some interesting dishes, and really, when you get a turkey and bourbon sorbet, what more could you ask for?

Bobby Flay, always trying to cop a feel.

Posted by at 9:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Nick and Jessica, stars of the MTV hit Newlyweds, have finally officially separated. Now we can breathe a sigh of relief as we no longer have to ponder "Are the rumors true? Are they splitsville? Do I have no life?"

I suppose this was inevitable. Young Hollywood can only have so many happily married couples, and with the recent engagement news of Talan Torriero and Kimberly Stewart, some other dumb-in-love twosome would have to crumble down. Full story here.

Posted by at 9:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

In honor of Thanksgiving, TVgasm will be devoting all of Thursday to that most festive of holiday channels, the Food Network. Be sure to check in frequently to read our takes on Giada, Paula, Ina, Alton, Rachel, Sandra, the Chairman, and more. Finally, these humble chefs get the snark they so deserve.

Posted by at 2:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)

Sort of a weird episode of Prison Break, wasn't it? There really was no theme or consistent tone set. Maybe that's because of the screwy FOX scheduling which is forcing our beloved show to take a 6 month hiatus after next week's so-called "Fall Finale." Who knows... The show still kicked ass and held a few surprises. Like the fleeting cameo from the man himself, Jesus Christ. Yes, fresh from his appearances on the wall of the underpass in Chicago and the gap in Margaret Perrin's front teeth, the King of the Jews paid a visit to Fox River Prison.

The show opened inside the prison where Michael was busy in a drainage pipe fiddling with a stash of clothes he had swiped from his possession locker previously. He had secreted a rope inside his jacket lining and reached a room that required its use. However, securing it to the grate at the top would prove to be a problem as it was 20 feet overhead. Hmmmm.

Another problem was that there were still too many people in the group slated to make the break. Unfortunately Michael and Lincoln were discussing this fact a bit too loudly and Suge Knight overheard. (Yes, I know his name is C-Note, but the only way I know that and the only way YOU know that is because you checked FOX's website or imdb or something. I don't think they've ever said it on the show. So I'm sticking with Suge Knight. Deal with it.)

Of course everyone agreed that it would be T-Bag who wouldn't join the escape so when he entered the room, he immediately picked up on the anti-T-Bag sentiment. Gee, wonder why. Maybe it was the fact that he had tried to kill Michael a few weeks ago? Maybe it was the fact that he's an avowed racist which I can't imagine sits well with Suge and Sucre. Maybe it was the fact that he murdered a young guard in cold blood a few weeks ago? Maybe the penchant for pedophilia and gang rape rubs the others the wrong way? Poor, poor T-Bag.

Alas, the inbred redneck had figured on this so he created a little insurance policy for himself; he'd called a contact on the outside and told him of the plans. He would call him 5 minutes before the escape and then 20 minutes afterwards. If that didn't happen, the guy would call the warden to report an escape. Pretty slick there, T-Bag, pretty slick. Meanwhile, Suge was trying to plant the seed in Sucre's head that they were the odd men out. Neither really had much to offer in the way of compensation to Michael and they were both minorities. Two words, Suge: Jesse Jackson. Give him a call and you two will be all set. Heck, he'd love the fact that, "Let my people free" would have a double meaning.

Out in the free world, LJ and Veronica had driven Nick to the hospital to get some much needed care. Nick has seen far too many Rambo movies, however, and implored Veronica to just, "Pull the bullet out." Riiiiight, Nick. As if Veronica would jeopardize getting blood on her at this point. She's just been living in a grubby cabin for days, been tied up and mildly tortured, and was 2 feet away from a bomb blast and still looked freshly scrubbed. You think she was about to jeopardize her nails at this point? Ewwww, yuck!

At the prison hospital, Michael was somehow poking around his escape hatch that he'd been corroding successfully for a few weeks now. Y'know, just a convicted felon left alone in the infirmary... No big deal. Even Bellick didn't really think so upon finding Michael there. He was more intent on being the dick he is; "Hey Michael, how's your whore wife? That's right, I met your stripper wife from Wuzzitstan and asked her about the credit card she gave you." Damn, that's a tight spot to be in - caught alone in the infirmary when he should have been in his cell AND cornered about some contraband he was supplied from the outside. Is it all over for Michael?!

Nope. Dr. Tancredi arrived and shooed that pesky Bellick away with a wave of her magical hand. I know I stopped pointing out the absurdities several weeks ago but this one was hard to ignore, sorry. This afforded Michael another opportunity to woo the lovely Doctor. He told her he'd gotten married solely to give Nika a greencard but she wasn't buying it. She gave him his shot and simply walked away. And fortunately for Michael, Bellick is like bad guys in old school Nintendo videogames - once he left the room, he apparently completely forgot about the felon he'd found outside of his cell with a credit card he'd gotten from his wife-on-paper only stripper whore wife. Straight up Mega Man, man.

(Props to reader "Bob" for alerting me to Holly Valence who plays Nika. She is much hotter than she is on this show. I'll let you do the Google Image search if you wish. For the record, I wished.)

Tweener was summarily shot down when he asked to join Michael's elite group. The Bagger was razzing Westmoreland about the escape and imploring him to back out of it. "The world is all scary out there, old man. There are silicone boobies now and you wouldn't know what to do with them." I could think of a million other consequences of the modern world that may confuse Westmoreland more than fake tits, but who knows, T-Bag may be right. Think about it - I'd figure a strip club or a porno magazine would be one the first things a con would experience once on the outside. In the 30 years Westmoreland has been on the inside, all the women in the porn industry have gotten giant fake boobs, shaved off all of their body hair, and made lesbianism de rigueur rather than something a few acid-tripping Amazons would do once in a while when The Strawberry Alarm Clock played Helsinki. So yeah, score another point for T-Bag.

T-Bag's friend on the outside turned out to be his cousin. Abruzzi found this out somehow and had launched a fairly simple plan to have one of his men on the outside kidnap the guy and hold him captive until after the escape. Meanwhile, Abruzzi's men on the inside would "take care" of T-Bag. So much for your brilliant plan, T... They've chopped off a toe before and screwed out an eyeball. I'm thinking for T-Bag, they should give him an eponymous procedure. Tie his hands back, cut off his sack and stuff it in his mouth and let him choke to death on it. Happy Thanksgiving!

Ahem. Abruzzi's guy on the outside arrived at the cousin's house which was a perfect depiction of everything Jeff Foxworthy has taught me. Ok, not everything, as Jeff has taught me oh-so much more. I owe everything to him. All hail Jeff Foxworthy! So... You might be a redneck if you're related to T-Bag, the son of his father and sister (seriously). You might be a redneck if you read that last sentence and said, "Why did he write 'seriously,' at the end?" You might be a redneck if you are still stuck on the word, "Eponymous." Anyway, the whole kidnapping thing went awry and the mob guy ended up killing T-Bag's cousin and his 5 year old son. Whoops.

Across the state at the hospital, the ER doctor had some serious questions for Veronica. When a guy comes in with a bullet wound in his back, this is part of the routine. I'd guess a cop would also be involved, but what do I know? The doctor really grilled Veronica who gave the excuse, "He was in the garage and accidentally shot himself." Puh-leeze... Amazingly, the doctor bought this absurd story and let Veronica go about her business. Concurrently, Veronica let LJ go about his business, which meant taking the car over to his mother's funeral where Secret Service Agent Pussy was awaiting him.

Agent Pussy watched LJ's tortured reaction at his mother's gravesite and didn't act. He followed the boy to the hospital and up to Nick's room and didn't act. His eyes welled up and he pulled out his Little Mermaid kerchief and dabbed at his eyes, careful not to muss his mascara. He pirouetted, snagged some estrogen pills from a passing supply cart, and skipped to his loo right out of the hospital, into his car, and home to his "wife." We knew this would happen; it was just a matter of when.

At the prison, Michael slipped into the walls again to complete some more prep work for the escape. But this time, Sucre was a bit more suspicious thanks to Suge's earlier warning. Not only that, he had met up with his girlfriend again who informed him that she was pregnant with his son. Not only that, but Sucre's nemesis Hector had proposed to her and she was thinking about accepting if only to give the boy a father. In other words, Sucre really needed to escape, so if Michael was playing him, he'd go loco.

Meanwhile, Abruzzi was staring at a rust stain on his cell wall. I mean, really staring at the stain. I thought to myself, "Jesus Christ, what is he staring at?!" His boys asked him when, where, and how he wanted T-Bag disposed of but Abruzzi didn't care - he was too lost in thought staring at that stain. Hey Abruzzi, EdHill's got some BVDs you'll just love. He drifted off to sleep and dreamt about the child his hitman killed by accident. He awoke drenched in sweat and once again began staring at that stain on his wall! "Good Lord," I yelled at my TV, "For the love of God, what IS it?!"

Oh. It was the Good Lord, Jesus, the son of God. Actually, it was totally the head shot press release from "The Passion," but whatever. It was weird. Abruzzi had found Salvation in, like, 5 hours. Oh boy, wait'll this gets leaked to the press. The last thing Michael needs is that crowd of true believers showing up at the prison to catch a glimpse of the rust stain. (I believe the last time Jesus (His mother, actually) appeared was in a water stain underneath a highway overpass where... In Chicago!) Oh Jesus.

Then there was a commercial for the new season of "24" coming in January. Since Jack Bauer is "Disappeared," I'm hoping he's now Zack Lauer. That would be cool, that's all. Then some guy handed Suge Knight a bunch of postcards from Arab countries. Then Warden Pope told T-Bag his cousin nephew were murdered. Then Abruzzi talked to a priest and asked for forgiveness and accepted Jesus into his heart. Then Bellick learned about how Tweener stole the other guard's watch who had stolen it from Michael's stash. This paragraph is quite possibly the worst I've ever written. Time to move on.

Later, out in the yard, Michael was able to scurry away to turn on a huge water pipe to fill up the room below. The "room below" is the room in which he needs to tie the rope up onto the grate to facilitate the escape. He had calculated exactly how long it would take to fill the volume of the room with as much water as he needed. How he did this without knowing the rate at which the water was flowing is beyond me, but hey, I'm not a genius. A genius who tattooed my entire torso in order to remind me of one phone number, the name of a brand of toilet and a screw, the names of the roads outside the prison, and a couple other dumb things.

Bellick was trying a new tact to get to Michael. He sequestered Tweener and began noisily eating his cheeseburger and fries. He even dunked a fry into his vanilla shake, which he declared, "Mmmm, good." With the recent spate of Food Network posts here on TVgasm, my thoughts immediately turned to Paula Deen watching this at home thinking to herself, "Mmmm, all he needs to do is add some butter to his shake, y'all!"

Bellick wanted to know whatever Tweener knew about Michael - since he knew that Tweener stole the watch from his guard buddy for Michael. Michael, Michael, Michael. Bellick is so obviously in love with him - dude, just admit it already. Anyway, Bellick was able to bribe Tweener with a cheeseburger. A regular Jeff Probst, this Bellick.

Agent Pussy had arrived home by this point and was noticeably edgy. He rambled on to his wife about how they should move "Out west" like they used to talk about. Like, now. Right now. He then phoned Veronica and cryptically told her to meet him the next morning at some diner where he would spill the beans on the whole conspiracy against Lincoln. Why, oh why, couldn't he just tell her over the phone I don't know - nor do I care, really, as I'm fairly certain Agent Kellerman will be taking care of his partner before he can spill the beans.

Well, Things were moving fast at the prison, with Michael running through the final preparations for the escape. He stripped down to his boxers and tattoo shirt, dove into his flooded room and did his best Lara Croft impression from Tomb Raider 2. Swimming underwater while his breath meter dissipated, he was able to tie the rope to the grate, climb out of it, drain the room again, and poke a hole up through the corroded pipe to the infirmary. The path to freedom was now unbroken! Yay! What could go wrong now?

Things were going horribly wrong for T-Bag, as Abruzzi's men were beating the crap out of him. Abruzzi arrived fresh from his absolution but still held a knife to Bagger's neck. "Back out or die," seethed Abruzzi. "Give me your word!" Suddenly T-Bag's word carries weight? Abruzzi went on to talk about Jesus and forgiveness and all that good stuff while T-Bag did and said whatever he could to save his life. The two reached an agreement and embraced in a warm man-hug. Awww, ain't that cute. Satisfied, Abruzzi turned to walk away - but T-Bag had other ideas. He produced a razor blade from his shirt cuff and proceeded to brutally slash it across Abruzzi's carotid artery. This produced a lovely splash of mobster blood across the walls and floor. Hey, I think I saw Buddha in that pool of blood by Abruzzi's head! Call the faithful!

In the end, Michael made his way back to the work group in the guard break room just as a guard was approaching to check on the progress. Uh-oh, the boys were deep into the pipe they were breaking through and couldn't hide the floor hole quickly enough. The lookout, Lincoln, had to stall the guard. He tried his best to waste the guard's time but he wasn't having it. In fact, he threatened Lincoln with, "Stop or you'll be sent to solitary!" Um, dude, he's scheduled to DIE in less than 48 hours - I don't think that threat carries much weight. And by the way, was Ted Bundy on a work detail 2 days before his date with the chair more or less unsupervised? In the end, small talk didn't work too well so Lincoln did what came naturally. He punched the guard in the face... Smart, real smart. Sure, it protected the hidey hole but it resulted in Lincoln being taken away under heavy guard.

Whatever will they do next weak to escape? Will Agent Pussy be able to live long enough to help out Veronica? Will T-Bag successfully join the escape? Will Tweener give up any pertinent information? Will we be interested in the continuing saga in May when the show returns? Will you forgive me for what I feel wasn't my best recapping effort this week? What if I wish you all a Happy, Fun, and Safe Thanksgiving and say that I think you're all wonderful people?

Posted by at 12:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (22)

So everybody should be very happy. I received Veronica Mars Season 1 on DVD this past weekend, and I plan on doing a marathon viewing session during the holiday weekend. By this time next week, I'll be well on my way to making all of the proper references and gaining all of the important insights into the characters and their complexities like only the truly obsessed fan can comprehend. Until then, we are left with dealing with the mystery of this season, which is the big bus crash that killed all of those students from Neptune High, and their hot teacher. The only problem with the search for the truth is that whenever we think we have solved one mystery, three more rise from its ashes. And if all of that wasn't enough for the folks of Neptune, a new witness came forward in the murder of Felix Toombs, meaning there was new pressure on Logan. And Wallace is nowhere to be found.

When they started the episode in Duncan's apartment with The Big Lebowski playing, I decided that maybe I had been judging Duncan and Logan the wrong way. Sure they may have a limited scope when it comes to their compassion, but how can I fault somebody who clearly loves The Big Lebowski that much? Well, for starters, it wasn't Logan and Duncan who were watching the movie but Duncan and Veronica, and it was Veronica who was quoting the movie and laughing her ass off, while Duncan just wanted to make out. Now I can't fault him for wanting to make out with Veronica, but come on! The Big Lebowski? Just coast your way to the Kenny Rogers dream sequence and you are assured of sex and laughs!

Just as things are about to get hot and heavy, Logan walks in. He is not embarrassed that he walked in on his two friends at the beginning of their throes of ecstasy; in fact he rather enjoys interrupting their little session. I still think it would be smarter if he got his own hotel room, but he kind of enjoys the way Veronica gets agitated at the mere mention of his name, and Duncan still feels too little guilty about his relationship with Veronica to say anything about it. In fact, there are some ways that Duncan is jealous of Logan. Sure Logan has that whole murder trial thing he has to worry about, but in the meantime he gets to boff Kendall Casablancas, who arrives at Duncan's a few moments after Logan.

Veronica is actually really upset that Duncan seems not the least bit upset that Logan is having sex with another person's mom, especially when that person is also a good friend of his. Duncan explains that Kendall is not really anybody's mom, and he is not going to make fun of one of his friends just because he has hot sex on a platter. He would even ask her to buy them beer if she wasn't always so busy having sex with Logan. I think Logan is an idiot, but it's hard to argue against him because Kendall is a willing participant in the whole affair.

When Keith Mars lost out in the sheriff's race last week, he was disappointed for a number of reasons. For one, he generally believes that he is better at law enforcement than Sheriff Lamb, and in particular, he believes that he could be doing more for the bus crash. When he heard Veronica found herself involved, he was double anxious about the outcome of the investigation. Lamb has been stalling on him, but Keith is still good friends with County Supervisor Woodrow Goodman. I know that everybody calls him Woody, but seriously, how often do I get to write down Woodrow?

Ketih asks Woody if he has heard any news about the investigation, but Woody is not really interested. Now that he has power, he wants to use that power to help out the people by incorporating Neptune into a city, bringing in bundles of revenues. He had visions of being the next Carmel, which I am sure would be fine with Keith Mars if the plan was going to benefit more people. All of the revenues Woody was talking about would only benefit the parts of town that are incorporated, and Woody's plan included only the most affluent parts of the city, and he wanted Keith Mars to be the sheriff. Lamb would still be working for the county, but Keith wouldn't have to answer to him, at least within the confines of the new and better Neptune Woody Goodman envisioned.

Her father was getting nowhere with his investigation, but Veronica was going to be plunged into two of her own. She and Logan may be trying their best to show each other how much they don't need the other. We are pretty sure that Veronica is doing just fine with her new significant other, but when talking about Logan, it's hard to know if he is satisfied. Yes, he's having the hottest sex he may ever have, but it is just another one of his emotionally unfulfilling relationships. When he needs real help and is serious about it, he goes back to one person he knows won't judge him in his time of need - Veronica Mars. Veronica finds him in the in the girl's bathroom waiting for her, and he asks her to help him with his case. At first, Veronica tried to laugh him off, but when she saw he was serious, she decided to help out. Logan was worried that he was being set up by the witness to the murder case, and he wanted Veronica to help him found out who it was.

As Veronica is leaving the bathroom, she bumps into Duncan, who sees Logan leaving right after her. She is a little worried that Duncan saw her and Logan exit the bathroom, seemingly timed so nobody would think they were in there together, but before she can explain Duncan tells her that there are more important things that he is worried about. If you remember, Veronica helped him get a hold of Meg's laptop and remove all of the personal files on there. Meg's parents are ultra religious, and her sister was worried that they would go through some of her e-mail, be upset at what they saw, and do something drastic. Considering that her sister was still in a coma, I am not sure what punishment her parents could hand out that would dampen the mood of "Hey! I just got out of a coma!", because even "You are grounded for a year!" isn't that bad considering. Then again, maybe they would just put her back into a coma when she woke up. Who knows, but better to be safe than sorry.

Back on topic, Duncan finally got around to looking at some of Meg's e-mails, and she found that Meg had been in contact with Child Protective Services. One of the kids she babysits was being abused, not sexual or physical, but more like mental torture. Meg wanted to know if there was anything she could do without any proof. The only thing she had was that the parents of the child made this child write in a journal over and over again when they did something bad. There was no information as to who it was, so Veronica decided that she would babysit some of the kids that Meg took care of, try and get a writing sample from each from their homework or something, and then go from there.

You know, if you could stand being one of the dumbest people alive, the life of Dick Casablancas would not be so bad, would it? As long as you can read, you are probably going to be able to find a way to make money at your dad's company, and even thought the federal government wants to indict your father on larceny and fraud charges, you can still be secure because you have that bitching trust fund. And perhaps the best thing about it all is that you just discovered your stepmom is interested in younger guys and is having an affair on your father. Suddenly, you are looking at her differently. You may have always sort of pretended you didn't notice when she walked around in her bikini all day, but now you are trying to get a peak at her gash as she crosses her legs, even when you should be paying attention to what is going on.

What is going on that is so important? Well, now that Big Dick Casablancas is somewhere in the tropics living off of some off-shore bank accounts, something must be done about the people he left behind. His sons each have trust funds, but Kendall got nothing. She wasn't married long enough to Dick to have anything legally transferred over to her name. Her income is zero, and she can't even siphon off from Dick and Beaver's trust, because only their biological mother has the power to do anything with that money now that they are incognito. The ex-Mrs. Casablancas comes by, and she lets it be known that she is not going to risk her sons' future by letting them touch too much of the money before they turn 21 and it is handed over to them.

In truth, you probably don't have to worry too much about Beaver. Although it isn't real money, he is managing it wisely in the Future Business Leaders of America group after school. His brother, on the other hand, is a moron and was left broke. Their mom eventually decides to let them stay and opens up their trusts, and Dick shows that he is going to spend his money wisely by buying Kendall a skimpy maid's outfit. He wants her to wear it around the house, and lets her know that he wants to get to know her better. Kendall likes screwing Logan, but she does have a least a sliver of self-respect left, and so the thought of her having sex with her stepson is still revolting.

Although it seems like most of the kids in Neptune don't need Sex Ed, all of the kids get their share through the tutelage of crazy Mrs. Hauser. I remember during the sexual education portion of my health class in high school. When the teacher wasn't busy telling us how much she loved her showerhead and bath tub, we got to do fun activities such as discussing slang terms for genitalia. Man, I don't know what I would have done if I went through life and had to wait for adulthood to learn terms like panty hamster and spitting trouser snake. Anyway, like most divorced women her age who are afraid they will lose their sex drive because their ex-husband is humping his secretary, Mrs. Hauser makes sure that there is plenty of talk about STDs to convince sex is baaad, mmmkay? She tells the kid to break up into groups and explain to their partner that they have an STD.

Veronica ends up partnering up with Gia [not Gina, thanks I Love Beer] Goodman. Gia has always been nice to Veronica, but they aren't the best of friends. When Veronica heard her talk lovingly about Dick Casablancas, I think her senses were telling her to stay away, but since her younger brother was one of the kids Meg looked after, she had to find an excuse to get into her house. She finds that excuse while Gia is talking about how hard it is to adjust to a new school. Gia complains that she doesn't have any guy friends, and so Veronica convinces her that they should have a girls' night out, and Gia agrees. Mission accomplished.

The first child she looks after is a boy named Edwin. His life is very regimented and his parents are very strict, including with what Veronica can do in the house, which is basically "no boys," a not wholly unusual request among parents. The parents leave, and Veronica's job is almost too easy. Edwin doesn't even pretend to want to do anything besides reading, and even when it's time for him to color, he is almost a little too robotic, but that works in favor for Veronica. She was set to meet Logan that night about some of the information she received about the informant in his case. When he gets there, we learn the name of the man is Dr. Tom Griffith, a plastic surgeon. When Logan sees a picture, he is adamant that the man on the bridge was not the same man. Veronica wonders how he knows, since he testified that he didn't remember the entire night. It turns out Logan lied because he didn't want to the cops to think he remembered another person, because they might start wondering where that person was.

Before they can get any more into the discussion, Edwin's parents come home and Logan has to leave. Veronica was able to get a writing sample like she had wanted, and from the early returns, it didn't look like Edwin was being abused. That is not to say that strange stuff didn't happen in the house. When she is leaving, Veronica gets paid, and the father casually mentions that he might need her more often and that, among other things, if she ever wants to fool around, or smoke a j on a boat, she is more than welcome. Veronica is kind of used to being hit on, even though this guy was older than usual, but the really disturbing part came from Edwin. He had drawn Veronica a picture, and it was a loving description of Veronica with her head chopped off. This kid might be well behaved, but you just know that he spends his weekends putting M-80s in frog mouths and watching them explode.

A few days later, Veronica babysits for Mrs. Hauser. At first, the teacher wasn't that receptive to the whole idea of having Veronica babysit, but when she saw the flyer for the Police Officer's benefit and bachelor auction, she realizes it's an easy way for her to meet guys, and since there were going to be a lot of people asking for money, they would have to pay attention to her. Mrs. Hauser comes to Veronica's house and drops off her son Albert. Nobody can be stranger than Edwin, but Albert comes close. His mom was very strict about him not eating junk food or watching television, but unlike Edwin, as soon as his mom left, he became Problem Child. He started screaming, and demanded ice cream or he wouldn't stop.

Veronica was able to get him to shut up by turning on the television and having Duncan make an ice cream run for her. By the time Mrs. Hauser returns, Albert is fast asleep. Veronica is pretty sure nothing too damaging is going on with Albert, and the only person suffering psychological damage was her. After Mrs. Hauser got back home, she talked lovingly about the benefit and mentioned that she even had a date with a deputy by the name of Sacks. If Veronica could have charged Hazard pay on a job like this one, the psychological damage alone for these two babysitting gigs could have put her through her first year of Stanford.

When Veronica learned that she would have to investigate a plastic surgeon, she might have been a little excited. She is not the type to worry too much about her boobs, but she is in high school, and is at least a little bit self conscious. Although her bust size might not bother her now, it bothered her enough when she was younger that she bought some breast enhancement pills. After seeing Dr. Griffith, explaining that she wants some implants (not clown boobs, that would be gross) she is more than happy to hear him say that he wouldn't do anything to her, and that the only thing she needs to alter is her body image. Brochure in hand, Veronica calls Logan and tells him there is nothing wrong with the doctor. She probably should have told Logan that he was a genius, but she noticed that the Dr. was leaving and decided to follow, but the search turned up nothing more than a cigar store.

Later that night was the evening Veronica had been waiting for! Sleep over at Gia's! It was not something she was looking forward to, but it was necessary to figure out this Meg thing, so she did it. I must say, Veronica did look cute in her pajamas, and I would cuddle up with her in that Ninja Turtle sleeping bag any day. When Veronica met her at the door, Veronica learned that Edwin's parents weren't the only people running a tight ship in their houses. It looks like Mrs. Goodman took the prize for most anal retentive parent. Not only did Veronica have to take off her shoes (a not unusual request, sure), but she saw that, quite literally, there was a place for everything, and EVERYTHING better be in it's place. There was a spot labeled for the guests shoes, and when Veronica saw that there were more than her own pair of shoes being stored away by the Goodman's she hoped that Mrs. Goodman didn't kill the people who messed up her house. What Veronica learned that the reason why there were so many shoes there was because Gia had invited a bunch of girls over, Veronica looked like she was going to die.

Realizing that she is going to have to find another rich person to marry her, or at least take care of her, Kendall suggests to Logan that their relationship progress a little more. I think Logan is an idiot, but he isn't completely naive, and sees right through Kendall's plans, especially since he knew from Dick that Kendall now had no money. He says that he doesn't care about the cow if the milk isn't free, and the only thing he owes her for the sex is perhaps a goat. Kendall tries to convince him that he won't be able to go back to the high school girls who are lucky to know more than one sexual position. Not to be a complete jerk, he suggests that he go after the richest guy in the suite if she needs a sugar daddy. That would be Duncan, and Kendall takes his advice and asks Duncan to scratch that three month itch that Logan doesn't seem interested in anymore now that there is a fee.

Back at Gia's house, Veronica is just barely hanging on. Even if she hadn't just seen a plastic surgeon who told her she was perfect, she wouldn't really have been into things like butt comparisons. Veronica pounces on the first chance she sees to get out of there, even for a moment, and she notices that Mrs. Goodman came back. Earlier, Gia's brother spilled some water on the rug, and even though Woody pretends to be an adult, he actually tattles on his own son. He's so scared of his wife that he doesn't want to face her anger. She gets back, scolds Rodney, but other than seeing the Goodmans make their way to different bedrooms, there was really nothing to report.

Just when Veronica thought it couldn't get any worse, she decided that she would at least have fun with the other girls, mentioning to one of them that Gia was seeing Dick Casablancas. When this other girl finds out, it is enough for them to divert their attention for picking on Veronica about her boobs, and her aversion to calling hookers heroes. Veronica probably could have lasted all night like that, passive aggressively stirring up shit between the rest of the girls there, but when Dick and Beaver show up for a panty raid, she isn't waiting around to hear Dick talk about the shocker.

Now that she has visited all of the kids Meg babysat, the only thing left is to check the writing samples Veronica was able to get with the sample of one of those self-hate books the kid was forced to write and which Meg said she had in her room. Duncan knew that the Manning's would be out of the house for a church group, and they used this chance to get inside Meg's room. Duncan knew that there was an extra key outside for when Meg forgot hers, which was a lot. You know, during the course of this investigation, Veronica learned a little bit more about just how close Duncan [not Logan, thanks Nicole] and Meg were. He knew a lot about her, and if that wasn't enough, Logan called out Duncan because he knew Kendall had been paying him visits. If they weren't trying to help out this kid, it all might have been enough for Veronica to dump Duncan, but she was focused on more important things.

Once inside Meg's house, they find the journal with all of the punishment writing, but it doesn't look like it's the writing of any of the boys she took care of. Veronica has a hunch, and the two of them go to check Grace's room. Grace is the youngest of the Manning daughters and they find dozens of these journals filled with punishments stacked in her closet. Meg wasn't talking about kids being abused in other houses, she was talking about her own, but was being vague because it was happening to her sister and it was her parents who were doing it.

They notice a door in the back of the closet, and there is Grace. Duncan tries to coax her out, but she is too scared. Suddenly, they see that the Mannings are back home early. Mr. Manning sees that they have found Grace, and he tells them to get on the ground. From the previews last week, we believed this guy with the bat was a stranger and he was going to beat Duncan and Veronica senseless. I have to say that Duncan was kind of a pussy. Mr. Manning is an old man, but if your girlfriend is right there, don't you try and jump him? Maybe you can distract him so she can get out alive? But since it was Mr. Manning, he simply told them to get down on the ground while he called Sheriff Lamb. Once Lamb got there, he handcuffed Duncan and Veronica, put them in the squad car, but ended leaving them off just a few blocks away, and parking his car outside the Manning house where Mr. Manning could see them and know he was being watched.

I thought this was an OK episode. I'm still chomping at the bit for more clues regarding the bus crash and Logan's witness. It was interesting to see what is perhaps the first chink in the Duncan and Veronica armor, at least for this year. If Duncan really is giving it to Kendall, he has to be an idiot to think that Veronica wouldn't find out. I would be interested to hear everybody's conspiracy theories as to who is setting up Logan and if it has anything to do with the crash. There's a new episode this week, and like I said before, I am going to work on Season 1 on DVD. Wish me luck!

Posted by at 1:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

After last week's very emotional tribute to Eddie Guerrero, I was curious as to how RAW would recapture their momentum heading into this weekend's Survivor Series PPV. Little did I expect they'd turn to the musical stylings of Stephen Sondheim and Jerome Robbins for inspiration. But it's just this kind of risk-taking that makes RAW so great...

Tonight RAW is broadcasting from Sheffield, England. Team RAW, led by Captain HBK, comes out to the ring. Coach tells us we've never seen a Survivor Series team like this. Why? Because HBK is wearing a $3000 suit!

General manager Eric Bischoff comes out to the ring next, wearing a rather drab black and gray ensemble. He's in merry old England, at least he could've tried some tweed and one of those cool Sherlock Holmes hats. Then, while he's dressed as the world's greatest detective, maybe he could investigate what happened to RAW's creativity. Of course, even Bischoff's blandness still can't compare to the mess that is Carlito's hair. Either the fabled English humidity is playing havoc with his curls or his pick was confiscated at Customs.

Bischoff talks some smack about Team SmackDown The Sharks. "There've been rumors all week long on the Internet that Teddy Long and his boys will be here on RAW tonight." Bischy says it's all hooey. "When you're a Jet, You're the swingin'est thing: Little boy, you're a man; Little man, you're a king!", Bischoff sings, segueing to RAW's own littlest man, Todd Grisham, on the TitanTron. Todd's standing out in the parking lot looking for The Sharks, who've yet to arrive.

Eric tells us the plan to attack Batista on SmackDown last week was actually his and Edge's. And that, as they say on RAW, is cool. And Eric knows The Sharks won't be here tonight, because they're afraid of him and his army of posable action figures. At that, Big Show grabs the microphone and sets Eric straight, saying "First of all, Bischoff, we are your nothing." Uhm, did I say he set Eric straight? I meant confused the hell out of the entire arena.

"Kane and I went to RAW because we wanted to," explains Biggy. "We wanted to prove that we were unstoppable. And the best way to do that was to chokeslam Batista straight to Hell." They feel no remorse for hurting Batista. "Wrong guy, wrong place, wrong time." Speaking of wrong time, Grish starts screaming from the TitanTron that Smackdown is here! And they've arrived in JBL's limo. (Remember when I said tonight's episode was in England? Did JBL drive there?) They're all dressed quite nicely, too. Even little ReyRey, who's wearing Charlie McCarthy's suit. Anyway, Batista calls Team RAW out to the parking lot. Bischoff tries to talk them out of it, but HBK says no way and leads the guys backstage.

After the break, the SmackDown guys are still waiting in the parking lot, rolling up their sleeves. Team RAW, meanwhile, is still making their way out to the parking lot. It's just like that scene in Spinal Tap where the band couldn't find the stage. Except that was funny. Carlito asks HBK what if it's a trap? "I'm counting on it," answers HBK, before leading his team in a singalong: "Here come the Jets, Yeah! And we're gonna beat Ev'ry last buggin' gang On the whole buggin' street! On the whole! Ever! Mother! Lovin'! Street! Yeah!"

Okay, here's the thing that's bothering me about the whole Survivor Series angle: Carlito would never willingly sing with HBK. And just a couple weeks ago, HBK and Chris Masters hated each other. Now they're dancing down the hallway? I don't get it. Same thing with the SmackDown guys. Batista is fighting Randy Orton this week for the belt. But tonight they're riding in the same limo together? Sometimes wrestling is so hard to take seriously. I mean, if I can't believe in their hatred for one another, what can I believe in...

Oh well, back to suspended reality. The Jets make a few faces at The Sharks, The Sharks flex a few pecs and then the pummeling begins. Lots of enjoyable carnage, including a live shot of Big Show's head being slammed through a car window. The camera focuses on Masters as he slaps the MasterLock on lil ReyRey, when suddenly there's a huge crash. The camera pans to see Batista's been thrown through a windshield by Kane and Big Show. (Off camera, of course.) Teddy Long calls for a medic and we go to commercial.

We're back. Todd Grisham is emoting like he just witnessed the Hindenburg explosion. "Oh, the humanity!" He says Batista wouldn't get on the stretcher, but they took him to a nearby undisclosed medical facility. Suddenly, Easy Eric is in the lot, delivering his own newsflash: "You don't tug on Superman's cape. You don't spit in the wind. You don't pull the mask off the ol' Lone Ranger. And you'd don't mess around with RAW. Or me." Oops. Looks like someone punched up the wrong song on Eric's karaoke prompter.

(1) Ric Flair versus The Deliverance Rapist Flair enters the ring wearing Phyllis Diller's burial robe. Murdoch, meanwhile, is wearing Larry the Cable Guy's flannel sleeveless and Ashton's trucker hat. Plus a load of chaw. And red trunks. You know, I really don't like Trevor Murdoch. Even the announce team is hating on him tonight. King: "Trevor just won the chewing tobacco spitting contest at his family reunion this past weekend." Coach: "That wasn't tobacco." Lots of styling, lots of profiling, and lots of "Whooo!"-chops from Flair, who wins by grabbing Murdoch's trunks during the pin. Unfortunately, whilst grabbing said trunks we're treated to a full shot of Murdoch's bare white ass. Joey Styles calls the action: "Flair had a handful of trunks." Coach: "And we got an eyeful of something else."

Winner: Ric Flair.

Murdoch is not happy about showing his ass to all of Merry Old England. "Nobody sees me arse!," he screams. "Unless they're under the age of 12!" While Flair's celebrating in the ring, Triple H appears on the TitanTron with a threat for their upcoming Survivor Series match. He also promises to show Flair something later that night. I hope it's not Stephanie's arse.

After the break, we come back to a match in progress. Tajiri is giving someone (I think it's Rob Conway) the Tarantula when JBL storms the ring and tosses both men out of the ring. Taking the mic, JBL calls out Chris Masters. "I demand that knuckle-dragging hair-lipped orangutan Chris Masters come down and get his ass kicked by the Wrestling God!" Judging from the way JBL looks in trunks these days, God's really let himself go.

Of course, Bischoff isn't about to let some SmackDown trash take over his show. "I thought we took all the garbage out," he tells JBL from the safety of the ramp. The crowd starts chanting "Arsehole, arsehole!" at Eric. It's really quite touching, in a Merchant and Ivory sort of way. Eric says nobody comes out on his show and demands a match with one of his superstars unless he's either one of the dumbest men on Earth or one of the bravest. Which do you think he considers JBL to be? Instead of Masters, he grants JBL a match with HBK. JBL is happy with this, or as happy as a man wearing a pink shirt and grey slacks can be.

For some strange reason, Bischoff tells JBL to stop by the concession stand on his way out and have some pizza, some donuts and some fish-n-chips, cuz that match is happening later tonight and he can't wait. I can't wait till my Percocet kicks in and I'm able to understand just what the hell he's talking about.

After the commercial, we get some footage of John Cena's appearance on Mad TV this weekend. And here I didn't think anything would get me to watch SNL again.

Kurt Angle heads to the ring with the "You Suck" chants being censored again. I don't get this whole bleeping thing. It's not funny. Just annoying. Shelton Benjamin makes his way to the ring. The announce team points out that there's no ref. Never fear! Daivari's here! Angle's happy. Shelton, not so much. Daivari is such a waste. If they want to feature a terroristArab-American on RAW, why not sign up Behrooz? At least the crowd could have fun chanting his name.

(2) Kurt Angle versus Shelton Benjamin Although this is a rematch from last week, and there's nothing on the line, I don't care. Honestly, I could watch these guys wrestle every week. They are without a doubt the two best the WWE has. I could do without Daivari as a ref, though. Angle locks in the Ankle Lock, but Shelton reverses it and rolls Angle up. Daivari then rolls Benjamin over and makes a quick count for Angle.
Winner: Kurt Angle.

Angle is still in the ring when we come back from commercial. Angle says he's been hanging out with Daivari lately because they're both proud Americans who've been unjustly abused by the fans. "You people will cheer a foul-mouthed misogynist rap star like John Cena, but you will unjustly deny Daivari's rights of expression as a proud American," he says. This makes Angle sick. Of course, the crowd might care a little more if he'd delivered this speech in the U-S-of-A. As it is, the Brits are pretty apathetic. Or it could just be their high manners and good breeding. Angle tells us Bischoff has agreed to make Daivari his personal referee for every match, including this Sunday's championship bout with John Cena. Daivari takes the mic and tells his followers the time for jihad has come. Or he delivers a really great recipe for hummus. It's hard to tell, as I don't speak Daivari.

No matter, because Cena appears on the TitanTron, telling Daivari and Kurt to calm down. "Kurt, stop it, man! Pipe down. You're acting like a freaking ham sandwich!" (I don't get it either.) Cena says he's going to find out the real story about how the other RAW superstars feel about Kurt Angle. The first door he opens just "happens" to be the ladies dressing room. Candice gives him a freebie and makes a lame joke about sucking.

Next door, he finds Snitsky giving Tomko a massage. Yuk! "It's not my fault!" Snitsky tells a disgusted Cena. Whatever, dude. Behind the next door, Cena finds The Boogeyman singing "London Bridges". Where the hell is this bit going?

I think even Cena senses it's a bomb, as he tells the camera, "Okay, maybe the WWE superstar thing was a right turn down Bad Idea Street. But there are 12,000 screaming WWE fans out there who have a voice." At that, he walks out into the crowd and starts asking random members of the crowd what they think of Kurt Angle. Despite their stiff upper lips, they all agree that Kurt Angle does indeed suck. Not as much as this bit, though. At that, Cena concludes that Angle does still suck, and rushes the ring, chasing out both Angle and Daivari.

(3) Triple H versus Val Venis Hmm, I wonder who's going to win this match… Val puts up a valiant (get it?) effort, but alas it's not enough as HHH quickly lays him out with a chair. Of course, this match is about sending a message to Flair, so Hunter continues to beat the hell out of Val long after the ref rings the bell. Eventually, he delivers a Pedigree and decides it's enough. On a side note, I just noticed that Val spells his last name like Penis, so if he changed his first name to match it would be Pal Penis. That's funny.

Winner: Val Venis via Disqualification.

(4) Candice Michelle (w/Victoria) versus Mickie James (w/Trish Stratus) Ooh, Candice and Vics almost kiss! A quick shot of King, Joey and Coach at the announce table confirms that Joey is the only person in WWE actually shorter than Rey Mysterio. Get that man a phone book, stat! Candice is roofied up again, but at least she looks good. Too bad she won't remember it come tomorrow. Joey Styles gets high marks for describing Mickie's attack as a "double chop across the ample chest of Candice Michelle." Speaking of ample bosoms, two masked men run up and abduct Trish Stratus from ringside. Candice uses the distraction to pin Mickie.

Winner: Candice Michelle. Although I think it's safe to say we're all losers with this match.

So who took Trish? None other than SmackDown's very own MNM! They have her tied up and duct-taped somewhere in a closet. Melina tells Trish no one's going to find her down there. Although having a cameraman broadcasting the bit might put a little crimp in her plans… Turns our Melly-Mel just wants a match at Survivor Series.

Back at the announce table, the guys are stunned. Lawler, realizing that having Trish tied up and gagged is his big chance, goes to rescue her. Now if he can just figure out how to get rid of those pesky cameramen…

Meanwhile, Maria is backstage reading HBK's book, which just happens to be available in bookstores everywhere. HBK doesn't want to talk about his book, though. He wants to talk about tonight, HBK versus JBL, the "initial confrontation" if you will. (Hey, that's pretty good.) Describing tonight's lumberjack match with JBL, HBK sings "You're never alone, You're never disconnected! You're home with your own: When company's expected, You're well protected!", before pirouetting off-camera.

(5) Shawn Michaels versus JBL in a Lumberjack Match HBK is accompanied to the ring by Team RAW The Jets: Big Show, Kane, Carlito and Chris Masters. JBL, meanwhile, has what's left of Team SmackDown The Sharks on his side: Randy Orton, ReyRey and Colorado Springs' very own Lashley. (Woohoo! Colorado Springs' getting some love! Shout out to my homies on Tejon!) Batista can't make it, as he's still recovering at the undisclosed nearby medical facility.

"Here come the Jets, Like a bat out of hell. Someone gets in our way, Someone don't feel so well! Here come the Jets: Little world, step aside! Better go underground, Better run, better hide! We're drawin' the line, So keep your noses hidden! We're hangin' a sign, Says "Visitors forbidden" And we ain't kiddin'!"

This rumble goes about how you'd expect. HBK is winning for a while, then JBL gets the upper-hand. It goes back and forth like this for a little bit longer, before the Lumberjacks jump in the ring and start a-brawlin'. But wait, here comes Batista! Wrapped in gauze and carrying a lead pipe, he takes care of bidness, finishing the job by giving Big Show a spinebuster. Who didn't see that coming? Besides Coach, who asks who would have thought that Batista would be the last man standing in the ring at the end of the night.

All in all, this was a pretty good build up for this weekend's Survivor Series PPV. Not good enough to get me to pay for it, but still, it wasn't bad. The question is, will any of you be watching?

Posted by at 3:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

It's been kind of a humdrum season of Survivor: Guatemala, but I'm happy to report that Thursday's episode was quite entertaining. In fact, had I not already known who was voted off (I only watched the show last night) I'm sure this latest installment could have been deemed awesome. For the first time all season, there seemed to be some semblance of true scheming and strategy, which really has been what's missing lately. I hope this week wasn't a one-shot deal, but hey, if it was, it was fun while it lasted.

The episode began with the Xhakum tribe returning to camp -- much like the dutiful ants we then saw hauling giant leaves back to their humble colony. Almost immediately Jamie locked into crazy paranoia mode and began instigating Gary. As loyal viewers may remember, two weeks ago, Jamie made a whole big stink around camp when he interpreted Gary's pledge, "I'll vote with you" as the more threatening "I'll vote against you." Well, clearly Jamie was still suspicious of the big man as he officially deemed him "shady." But to be fair, Jamie also thinks that pebble over there is shady too. And that branch. Oh, and that cloud overhead. He knows what you're up to, CLOUD!

Not content to pick fights merely with Gary, Jamie then moved on to wee Cindy and tried to get her riled up about the singular vote Gary had cast against her at the last tribal council. Unfortunately, the zookeeper was unswayed by this tactic, so like a small dog barking at any passing object, Jamie returned his attention to Gary, accusing him of some strange scheme to vote for someone and then not vote for someone. Or something like that. It was kind of hard to decipher Jamie's psycho mumbling.

"Well, obviously me and you gonna have to fight this whole thing now," Jamie finally concluded. Huh? What? Was this going to result in fisticuffs? Over what? Apparently, Jamie somehow construed something Gary said into an accusation of being a liar, which is almost as insulting as saying he's classless (let's not forget last week's post-Tribal Council blowup on that front). Anyway, Gary tried to clear up Jamie's bushy, confused head by saying, "I did not just call you a liar. Maybe you just don't hear very well." Excuse me Gary, but Jamie hears the voices in his head just fine, thank you very much.

Even chronic liar Judd had to jump in, saying "I didn't see Gary lying." Well, except for that whole NFL thing, but whatevs, right? Finally, Gary put the whole thing to rest by saying, "You know what, Jamie? You're gonna think what you want to think." Okay Jamie, what do you have to say to that?

"And you're gonna think what YOU want to think!" he replied. OH SNAP!!! Hey Gary, you got served, cuz! Comeback of the year, I tell you.

The next morning, the tribe headed out to the reward challenge, and already we could see lots of corn, lots of obstacles, and mud. Oh great. Just another completely straightforward task that's not convoluted at all! Actually, it wasn't that bad. Basically, the tribe would be split into two teams, and on each team, there would be a pair of women and a pair of men. The pairs would be tied together and then would have to run through this mud pit, clearing obstacles along the way. They'd then have to find a jug of corn, return back across the mudpit and pour the corn into a large jar. First team to fill their jar to the top wins. Okay, it's mildly convoluted, but hey, this is Survivor. Convoluted is the name of the game!

Anyway, Jeff then asked his always inviting question, "Wanna know what you're playing for?" Why yes, Jeff! Please tell us! The winning team would get to take a helicopter ride to a private home for a shower. And guess what? After an overnight stay, the winners would get to wake up to Folgers coffee! Why, that sounds marvelous. After all, the best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup -- and product placement on your brain. Must... Buy... Folgers...

And because it wasn't already enough of a huge endorsement for Folgers, Probst then reminded the survivors that the coffee would "reenergize you, rejuvenate you," or in the case of me, give me the shits about thirty minutes later. I'm sorry, it's true.

Well, with the reward all explained, it was only a matter of seconds before Stephenie would make a "Oh, please please please may I have this! I really deserve it! I've been through so much!" face. And sure enough, there it was -- albeit briefly. Okay, enough talk. Let's get this competition going. Basically, it was just mud mud mud, corn corn corn. Things didn't get interesting until poor Lydia suddenly seemed to lose all her endurance to the gods of mud. The fishmonger struggled to return to the mat, causing angry gym teacher Jeff Probst to yell, "You're gonna have to MOVE Lydia!!" When Lydia headed out a second time, she was in even worse shape as her little legs got stuck deep in the mud. Again, Trump barked, "Let's go, women, MOVE!" What's the hurry, dude? I like how Jeff Probst has finally succumbed to simply yelling at the contestants. Seriously, how are we ever gonna replace him? Don't go Jeffy!!

In the end, the team of Dani, Gary, Judd, and Stephenie won the reward, which meant it was time for crazy Jamie to surface once again. "We're still gonna finish! We're still gonna finish! Let's go!!" he yelled to Lydia and Cindy who were now halfway across the mud pit. It's okay Jamie. The challenge is over. This isn't like the Olympics or some sports movie where the crappy team finishes last but still gets the slow "Good job" clap that of course erupts into monstrous applause.

Anyway, the winners -- now covered in mud -- hopped into the helicopter (I hope they gave them towels to sit on), and as they took off, Jamie gave the chopper the look of death. He then muttered to the camera, "That helicopter is shady. It's after me, I tell you. I was talking to it before, and it lied to me. The helicopter LIED! KILL THE HELICOPTER!!!"

Up in the sky, the winners enjoyed their airborne tour of the rain forest, with Danni commenting, "It was my first time actually in a helicopter; so that was an awesome experience in and of itself." In fact, she was so excited that she actually grew another ab.

The winners eventually arrived at the mansion where they met the owner, a not-a-drug-kingpin-at-all name Luis. Everyone hit the showers finally, with Judd stripping down to his bare, white ass. Needless to say, it was lovely. After some swimming and frolicking in the pool, everyone gathered around for a meal at which Danni noted, "I love to eat, but Stephenie eats even more than I do." To be fair, Danni only eats three calories a day.

Back at camp, Lydia apologized to her teammates for losing the challenge for them. Everyone seemed to take it well, even after she kept saying things like "But you guys had such a great lead" or "It would have been such a wonderful reward." Are you trying to get voted off? Anyway, Jamie then cornered Rafe and wanted to get his word that he wouldn't vote against him. But sneaky Rafe would not give it to him.

"I just don't want to get suckered, dude. Don't sucker me," said Jamie, adding, "That tree over there suckered me. So I killed it. And the unicorn hiding behind it. All dead."

That evening, the four people at the mansion slipped into some pajamas and then talked strategy. Gary tried to pitch that they all be the final four, and soon talk got around to voting off Jamie, but c'mon. This is classic misdirection. We all know Gary's going home. It's a numbers game...

The next morning, the pampered winners woke up to guess what? Folgers!! Yay!! You know, if I ever go to Guatemala, I want to make sure that I get to drink the generic coffee I can buy in Kansas. It's not like Central America is known for it's coffee or anything. Also, I hear there's a really good Olive Garden in Rome. I'll have to keep that in mind for my next trip to Italy.

Now if you thought the Folgers would be the final touch of this wonderful reward package, you'd be wrong. In walked our lovable host Luis who brought a mysterious present. After he waved goodbye about ten times, Luis departed and the survivors tore into the package, finding that most sacred of gifts: videotapes from home! Okay Mary Jane. Get some Kleenex. It's cry time! (I don't know who Mary Jane is. Just thought I'd say it.)

First up, Judd's tape. His wife was actually pretty attractive, and oh look! Kids! Would Judd bawl? Would he lose it? Almost, but not quite.

Next was Danni, and oh man. You just know she's gonna be a wreck. Well, surprisingly, Danni was tear-free, and she cared less about her family and more about her dogs. Probably the only thing that could make her really bawl would be if she lost her Chiefs hat. Or if Brandon popped up briefly just to tell her again, "You're the sister I never had."

Okay, Steph, surely you're gonna cry, right? With chin quivering, it looked like she might lose it, but no. She stays strong! I don't know how. I mean, as far as I can tell, Steph's been in the wilderness playing Survivor for about two years now, right?

And lastly was Gary, and here we go. We finally got some tears as Gary's turned into a relatively blubbering mess. I will say that his daughter did look exactly like him, and hey! That's a pretty nice mansion for just a lowly landscaper. I always thought the only people who could afford estates like that were... NFL quarterbacks! Oh, maybe Gary just lives in the servant's quarters. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Well, the winners eventually headed back to camp, and awww, they even brought some Folgers with them. Unfortunately, Jamie stabbed the coffee with a spear and yelled, "That coffee's been poisoned! By the crocodile army!!!"

Actually, what Jamie did do was corner Judd and find out what happened. Our portly doorman did his standard eye-bulging lie technique as he insisted that no strategy talk went down, adding "I swear to you, and you know I wouldn't lie." Well, except for just then. And, you know, every single other time he's opened his mouth.

Eventually, it was time for the immunity challenge, and if last season was all about pontoons, this season's been all about ropes. Lots of 'em. For this uninspiring task, each person would be attached to a rope that's been been threaded through various obstacles. The first four people to finagle their way through the first set of obstacles would then move on to a final, more complex course, and then the first person to extricate themselves from that would win immunity.

Survivors ready? GO!

Well, everyone began slipping through the obstacles relatively quickly -- that is except for Danni and Judd who were all but worthless on this mission. Danni simply lay on her back and giggled while Judd struggled to get through the very first rope twist. Gary had a strong lead, but then he got caught in a tangled mess -- which Probst was all too happy to point out -- and was passed by Rafe, Jamie, Steph, and Cindy, thus eliminating him from the immunity competition. Okay, well, we know how the rest of this episode is gonna go...

As the final four navigated through a wooden structure, Cindy managed to take the lead, but oh no! She's stuck! Cindy's stuck! Wait, who's Cindy again? Oh, that's right. Zookeeper. Well, Rafe passed her at the last second and pulled out the win, and later, back at camp, he realized that he'd just won two of three immunity challenges and placed second in the third. "I just made myself a huge threat in this game, and I think I am gonna have to change the way I'm playing," he told us. Might there be scheming involved? PLEASE???

Okay, well, with Gary losing immunity, it was pretty obvious that he'd be getting the boot. Or would he? Judd confidently told us that Jamie would be safe. "He might get maybe... one vote from Gary. And that's it." Hmmm... that sort of hubris is always alarming. But maybe it's just misdirection on the misdirection.

Still, Jamie was freakin' out and demanded that his bitch Rafe play Mancala with him so they could talk strategy. Unfortunately, Jamie's been really annoying Rafe, who complained, "I have to play Mancala with him EVERY DAY!" Wow, Rafe HATES Mancala! You know, maybe if Jamie offered a different game, he wouldn't be in trouble. You know, tic-tac-toe. Boggle. Monopoly. What about Pictionary?

Anyway, Rafe told Jamie that he'd be safe, but the paranoid one was still feeling, well, paranoid. Jamie promised repercussions if Rafe welched on the deal, threatening, "I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna murder you. Seriously, I'm gonna murder you." And now, that was not a TVgasm embellishment. Later, Rafe and Lydia settled down to a friendly game of leaf Uno (much better than stupid Mancala, sheesh) and began deliberating about a Jamie ouster. Soon Steph joined them and said she would be down for it -- contingent on whether or not Lydia was on board. Would Lydia go along with the plan and give Jamie the heave-ho? Or would it be business as usual with Gary. It was a fun thought to entertain, but let's be serious. This quarterback is about to get sacked.

At Tribal Council, we found jury member Bobby Jon sporting a hairstyle fresh from 1977. I think in another life he may have been a long lost Brady. Anyway, Probst got down to business and grilled everyone about this and that. Nothing too interesting. At one point, Jamie did pipe up and say, "When you're in the jungle, you can go insane out here, I believe." He then added, "Why just this morning I slaughtered a giant spider with the head of a snake. Turns out it was just one of your production assistants. My bad."

Finally, it was time to vote. We saw Jamie and Judd cast votes for Gary, while Gary returned the gesture with a hearty vote for Jamie. Okay Gary. Enjoy these moments because they'll be your last. Probst read the first two votes (Gary, Gary) and then the third (Jamie). Okay, this was as expected. Go on, Jeff. Next vote: JAMIE! UH OH.

We cut to Jamie, but forget him! It was all about Judd, whose sheer insta-panic was causing him to twist and contort in all sorts of uncomfortable ways. The Jamie votes kept coming, and sure enough, the Lord of the Flies was voted off the island. Or country. Or whatever. We then cut to Judd who was in full-scale fear mode, and we remembered why we love this show so much. There's rarely anything as enjoyable as watching a supremely confident person get the rug pulled out from under him or her.

Well, Probst snuffed out Jamie's torch, and before he walked off to oblivion, or at least a shower, Jamie yelled with a smile, "Blind-sided! NICE! Now that's how you vote somebody out!" Was he joking? Was he being passive-aggressive? Or was he just insane? I'm thinking all of the above.

As Jamie headed off, Probst then lectured the tribe about blindsiding and how it was a really good lesson and how everyone should pay attention to what information they give and-- oh shut up, Jeff. Stop trying to instigate. Just let them go back.

What did you think? Fun episode? Will this decision come back to haunt anyone?

Posted by at 2:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (44)

If there is anything that kids from any nation can agree upon, it's that our parents aren't very cool. Unfortunately, making your parents cool might as well be a full time job, and you can't really do it alone. Even those of us with two or more siblings could use help. If only there was a place you can send your parents to make them cooler. Well, such a place exists, and it's called Camp Steve-O. I know what you're thinking" "Sure, I would like my parents to be cool, but if they are going to be putting Tapatio in their eyes to prove that they love me, no thanks." Well, I am guessing when you send your parents to Steve, he'll have a slightly less drastic approach to relieving them of their lameness. And even if your parents come home and start tattooing themselves with a Swiss army knife and a fountain pen, you can win $10,000 towards college to make it all worthwhile. If you are between the ages of 7 and 17 and think your parents aren't any fun, you can send one of them to camp Steve-O by calling MTV at 1-818-989-8634, or e-mailing the show's casting department at campsteveo@bunim-murray.com.

So to all you kids all across the land, send your parents to Steve, he'll make them understand.

Posted by at 12:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

• David Letterman and Oprah are apparently overcoming their decade-long awkwardness, as Her Medianess has agreed to appear on the Late Show on December 1. First Naomi and Tyra, now this! I love celebrity détente. [AP]
• Angelina Jolie has become a Cambodian citizen. After the holidays, she plans to move to Phnom Penh and start performing at the Bottoms-Up Club under the name Tranh Nih Hoh. [AP]
• Fox is thinking of moving American Idol from Tuesday/Wednesday to Wednesday/Thursday, and it's unclear whether co-host Simon Cowell will return. Cowell, jealous of Ryan Seacrest and Anderson Cooper's recent on-air tête-à-tête, is trying to land a primetime anchor slot on CNN. [Reality Blurred]
• And according to dad Lionel, the reason Nicole Richie looks like Lara Flynn Boyle warmed over is because she has so much "new business." So I guess I need to add "new business" to my list of slang terms for COCAINE. [Defamer]

Posted by at 7:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

With millions of Laguna Beach fans going through their first Monday night of withdrawal, we figured TVgasm could help ease the pain by looking to the future. Yes, it's our official analysis of the Laguna Beach 3 trailer. Early impressions: all the kids seem to look either really young or really old. The girls seem trashier than usual, the guys seem more six-packed than usual, and at least one girl appears to be Naomi Judd's long lost daughter. So I guess that's got to be worth something, right?

Posted by at 5:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (298)

On this week's Apprentice, I was all geared up for the second coming of "The Rubble Man" after the previews promised a wild and crazy songwriting challenge. The good news was that we did indeed get a nice sampling of corporate types testing out their windpipes, but unfortunately, when it came to the bulk of the singing this episode, we were left in the capable and therefore unentertaining hands of professionals. For shame. In this age of Bai Ling and William Hung and the Apprentice's very own Adam ("FREAKIN!!!!"), it's a near crime not to have atonal reality stars try their hand at some vocals. Maybe Trump just didn't want his very special Emmy night crooning to be overshadowed. Don't worry, Donny. We'll never forget it...

The episode kicked off on a very rainy, very gloomy night in New York City. Oh the harsh city! So unforgiving! Much like this demanding interview process! As stoplights flicked from red to green, we returned to the suite to find our dearest Clay bitter about not getting exemption from firing. His eye-rolling and snipping were momentarily halted so that everyone could react to the double firing of Marshawn and Brian, but then it was back to the bitchiness faster than you can say "Patterned shirts!" Sensing a rift in the team, Capital Edge assembled outside to perform that most futile of traditions: the losing team pep talk. You know how that goes. Empty comments like "Whatever happened is over and done," and "We can't change that now," and "We need to be a team." In this particular powwow, Alla told Clay, "I think we could have a strong team if you could just get over your personal feelings." To which Clay retorted passive-aggresively, "The personal feelings that were put on me?" Ah yes. That's the Clay we love: petty, bitchy, difficult, petulant. The total package.

"I call him a roadblock," Alla explained to us in an interview. "He objects just for the sake of objecting." C'mon. Just call him a cockblock. Let the censors bleep it out later. You know you want to, Alla.

Anyway, back at the Capital Edge grand conclave, Adam implied that Clay did a below-par job on the latest task, causing the beleaguered teammate to adopt his most thrill prissy voice and say, "WE are done. Goodnight!" And with that, Claymarosa ushered his teammates away by performing the rarely seen passive-aggressive bow. You know the type: the hands clasping each other behind the back, the little rock on the heels of the feet, the quick torso slant. It's all an elaborate gesture that's supposed to imply, "I am so full of rage that I must hold myself back from assaulting you," but instead it usually comes off as, "I am an annoying bitch."

Well, despite this harrowing Clay experience, we greeted the next day full of promise and optimism as hopeful music blared on the soundtrack. Why, it made me want to seek out one of those joyous Rent commercials on my Tivo (cut to me having "Seasons of Love" in my head for the next two hours. I haven't even seen the damn show. Stupid musical commercials). We then cut to 6:30 AM in the suite, and what was Clay doing? Dicing some oranges! One might think he was preparing breakfast, but those of us in the know could immediately tell he was preparing to bedazzle his polka dot shirt with pieces of oranges. Anyway, Rhona called up, which meant we got to see the always suggestive image of Clay handling the dildo phone. This morning's assignment: meet Trump at Trump Modeling and Management. Sounds like a plan, Rhones! We then cut to Rhona hanging up with Clay, but not before she randomly burst into giant RhonaLaughter and chuckled, "Okay, bye!" Looks like somebody's having a fantastic morning. Unfortunately, we never got to find out what was so funny, which didn't surprise me. After all, Rhona LOVES inside jokes!

Later, we found Trump at his agency leering at Jennifer, the reigning Miss Universe. "She's been our best," Trump boasted, as if she were some sort of high-performance mini-van. Then, in an odd bit of staging, the teams entered the room, causing Trump to say, "Wait right there." We watched the candidates come to a halt, and seconds later, Trump said to his gang, "Okay, let's go." He then emerged from one room and into the main area where the candidates were. Now hold on a second here. If Trump were in a whole other room, why would he have told everyone to wait right there. How could he have seen them? Can he see through walls? Or does he just have a supernatural sense about these things. Trump then turned to the camera and blared, "HAVING A SUPERNATURAL SENSE IS A THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR BUSINESS!"

Anyway, with the teams uneven, Clay requested to head over to Excel. Trump granted him this wish, and as Clay joined the ranks of Rebecca and Randal, he said, "I'll take a hug." Meanwhile, Adam turned to Alla and said, "I'll take a gummy smile."

With the teams reshuffled, it was time to get down to business. For this week's task, the groups would be working with XM Radio. And now, Mr. Trump, please do your thang: "XM Satellite Radio has a value of 9.5 BILLION DOLLARS!" Only 9.5? LAME. Anyway, the teams would have to audition unsigned singers, sign them, write a song, and supervise the creative aspects of a record. The song will then play live on "XM Café" (also known as the boring station that wannabe hip adults listen to). Trump then informed everyone that "The team whose song best fits the format of XM Café as judged by the XM Satellite executives wins." He then added that teams would then take the XM bus to the XM reward where they'd eat XM seafood at the XM restaurant in XM City.

As teams headed off, we then caught up with Claymarosa who expressed an undying thirst for revenge. He basically wanted to win so that his old teammates would look bad and realize they were worse off without him. "Sure will suck to be them!" Clay sneered. Yes, sure will suck to be them... when their lasting legacy is NOT being a worthless bitch.

Well, we headed off to commercial, and when we came back, Trump's big lesson of the week was "Creative Balance" -- as evidenced by Trump eying an ad with his trademark squinty face and saying, "I like them. That's a very smart ad. Nice presentation, good job." Ooooh. FEEL THE CREATIVE BALANCE!!!

We then cut away to a peppy musical interlude featuring the various steel drummers, sax players, and sundry musicians lining the streets of Manhattan. Why, one might even say that music was in the air! We then found ourselves at Apprentice Idol auditions as Randal, Rebecca, and Clay filled in for the erstwhile Randy, Paula, and Clay. It was a pretty good match, if you think about it. Randal and Randy are black (and share similar names), Paula and Rebecca are most likely on painkillers (damn that hockey injury), and Clay and Simon are both beguilingly effeminate (plus they sprout some mean man-boobs in a tight, black shirt). Well, Project Manager Rebecca selected a Nigerian musician named Jidé because "he was an artist that was versatile with a lot of flavor in his voice." Excuse me, it's "flava." Let's get it right, Rebecca. Meanwhile, over at Capital Edge, Felisha volunteered to be Project Manager and then had to sit through a typical garden variety of crappy, sleep-inducing musicians that you'd probably find on a Starbucks CD (let alone sipping a latté nearby as well).

Ultimately, Felisha chose a guy named Levi whose speciality seemed to be crooning on the piano and making me contemplate suicide. "He's not going to be a one-hit wonder. He's gonna last the test of time," said insta-record exec Felisha. To be fair, she's not exactly wrong. He is gonna last the test of time, meaning that in ten years from, we still will never have heard from him.

Over at Excel, the team was trying to get to know Jidé and learn about his life story. You know, find out what is it that makes Jidé so Jidé-ish. Well, it turns out that as a child, he was always in love with girls, but things never worked out because of his weight. Awww. Jidé is a Biggest Loser! Poor guy. How could you not love this onetime fatty? Even Carolyn was into him, but then again, we all know about her rampant dalliances with Jungle Fever.

Anyway, Clay suggested a song called "What about me?" (which I believe is a crappy song from the '80s. Here, enjoy this silly MIDI version), and within seconds, Jidé was crooning out, "What about meeeeeee?" Clearly, the words must have struck a chord in Clay because all of a sudden, he let loose with his own contributions, soulfully singing, "I've got struggles in my past!" Sing it, Clay! Can I get a witness! Clay then jumped to his feet and tore off his business suit, revealing a tiny, shimmering, sequined Tina Turner dress. "I'VE GOT STRUGGLES IN MY PAST!!! Big wheel keep on turnin'! Proud Clay keep on burnin'!" he sang as he danced around for the next fifteen minutes. It was wonderful.

Okay, Clay did not turn into a one-man Tina Turner musical revue (at least not on camera). Instead, he pitched a fight when Rebecca felt that "What about me?" was too whiny and feminine. Randal then suggested "It's My Time," but Clay insisted that it sounded like Jidé was bragging. And that's supposed to be better than a self-pitying song about entitlement? Apparently so. "It screws everything that I've written in the last forty minutes," he complained, adding his usual hefty dose of IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU passive aggression.

Over on the other team, things were going swimmingly with Alla, Felisha, and Adam. And is that really any surprise? This team does feature the musical genius behind "Delicious Wishes" and of course, "FREAKIN!" (I will mention that as often as I possibly can). Anyway, the Capital Edge song was titled "Nothing Can Be Everything," and as the team worked out the lyrics and tune, George informed us that he used to be in radio. Yes, he pioneered the famed station Soda Jerk FM. Actually, in truth he claimed he was on the cutting edge of heavy metal. He then told us that when he first heard the music, he hated it, but when he found out he was selling lots of commercials, he said, "I love the music!" And with that, George let out a hearty chuckled. Oh grandpa. Always so happy.

The good news for Capital Edge was that their song seemed vaguely catchy, even if it did seem like the sort of crap you'd hear on an airplane (probably on some stupid station called "Attitudes" or "Connections"). The same couldn't be said of the burgeoning Jidé mish-mosh, which Rebecca explained had gone from "the whole 'what about me?' chick lyric to Nigerian Seal meets Lenny Kravitz music." Wow. Sign me up! The only thing better would have been Somalian Hootie meets Goo Goo Dolls rock. Clay, meanwhile, seemed to have rebounded from his lyrical disaster and was ready to be the Kris Kristofferson to Jidé's Barbara Streisand: "I'm gonna push this guy to his limits and make him into a mega superstar!" First order of business: FIND HIM A PATTERNED SHIRT!!!

Over at Capital Edge, Felisha seemed to be concerned that the music was too jazzy and not pop-rocky enough. But don't worry, the lame factor was just right. Well, 'Lisha went and told the studio musicians to change up the arrangements... and they did. Okay, it wasn't the most exciting episode. What do you want me to do?

After a quick Felisha/Alla boogey-down session, we then caught up with Team Excel practicing their presentation, and behold! Jidé was wearing a patterned blazer! My gosh, Clay's gotten to him! Anyway, Rebecca attempted to read through her pitch, but midway through she was interrupted by Clay who pantomimed a sad violin. This, mind you, was coming from the man who wanted to write a song called "Why Me?"

Anyway, Capital Edge met with the execs first, and when one of the XM guys named Lee met Levi, he cracked this classic: "I'm Lee, no 'vi.'" Oh you! GOOD ONE, LEE!!

We then paused the action momentarily so we could begin TrumpWatch 2005. Yes, in traditional, bombastic style, The Donald emerged from Trump Tower to commence his epic journey to the XM headquarters, and as the billionaire walked to his limo, he was greeted by well-wishers and tourists and old women with cameras. I'm surprised no peasants or serfs offered him their first born in exchange for a goat and a sack of grains -- or at least the opportunity to gaze upon his most powerful coif.

Back at the XM studios, Capital Edge premiered Levi's song on XM Café -- the preferred station amongst 45 year old men who still think Santana duets are hip. It was sort of cool hearing the finished product, and the best way to describe "Nothing Can Be Everything" is Maroon 5 meets crap. Or should I say, Maroon 5 meets even more crap. Basically, if Eagle Eye Cherry were still around, he'd LOVE this song.

Well, the listeners -- at least the ones we heard -- seemed to really dig this incredibly average song as they heaped the platitudes on strong. Then again, these were probably all of Levi's friends and family; so it didn't really count in my book. Next up was Excel, who had this whole rehearsed presentation ready to go. Basically, Rebecca was going to talk up Jidé and then at a certain point, Clay was to open the door and in would walk the Nigerian Seal/Lenny Kravitz. Sounds easy, right? Well, let's not forget we've got Claymarosa on the task. Rebecca began addressing the execs, and after about thirty seconds, Clay arbitrarily opened the door, causing confusion and awkwardness as Jidé walked in. Instead of a grand entrance, the entire thing looked shoddy, almost as if Jidé had been late for the presentation. And let's not forget how unprofessional it looked to have Rebecca trail off her speech quietly amidst it all. Smooth. Real smooth.

Nevertheless, Rebecca persevered and continued to pitch Jidé so aggressively, she bordered on tyrannical. HIS MUSIC IS REALLY GOOD. YOU WILL LIKE HIS MUSIC!!! Unfortunately, Excel hit another roadblock as Randal of all people presented a poster with incorrect information about XM Café. Oh man. This ship is sinking faster than... the FASTEST SINKING SHIP IN THE WORLD!!! Let's just get to the music.

Well, the Jidé song was certainly livelier than the Levi tune, but it was also regrettably more boring, if that makes any sense. The lack of any good hook probably didn't help, and soon enough Lee No-Vi leaned into his associate and mumbled, "Not a perfect match." Ouch. Lee No-Vi is gonna take them DOWN!

Finally, it was time to hear from the people, and sure enough, the people were not happy. "I thought it was a little bit formulaic," said one caller. "It was okay, I didn't really hear any lyrics," said another. Hmmm... maybe Levi's family and friends were still calling in.

Eventually, Trump showed up in time to anoint a winner. The head XM exec clearly was inarticulate because he had to render his decision via a prolonged V.O., a practice normally reserved for The Donald. Unsurprisingly, Capital Edge took home the victory, and as a reward, the team earned a helicopter ride with Trump around Manhattan. We then cut to everyone piling into a helicopter where Trump bellowed to a pilot, "Circle 40 Wall Street! Circle the Empire State Building! Circle Trump World Tower opposite the United Nations. AND the United Nations!" In other news, Mark Burnett has just announced the latest spin-off, The Apprentice: Circlin'.

As the group headed into the friendly skies, Trump bragged, "If you did this in a car, it would take you all day. But it's gonna take us twenty minutes." Oh great. A twenty minute reward. Yay. Remember when they used to give winners diamonds and caviar? Those were the days.

Anyway, the tour went on without incident; although, there was one odd moment. "Now here's a beauty that's coming up," Trump said in an introductory way, adding, "It's the Empire State Building." Wow, what is this crazy "Empire State Building" that you mention? Surely it must be some hidden gem in the city!

Well, enough with all this helicopter mumbo jumbo. We've got a Boardroom to prepare for. Randal expressed some concern that his typo would cost him his job, but let's be serious. There's no way Trump is gonna cut Randal in favor of Clay, at least not at this critical stage of the game.

Outside the Boardroom, the ever gimpy Rebecca seemed on the verge of teetering over as she finagled open the big doors. Seriously, she's on freakin' crutches. Can't anyone open the door for her? Randal? Clay? ROBIN? Lazy receptionist. Anyway, once in front of Trump, the sparks flared, or at least shimmered briefly. To be honest, this wasn't one of the more exciting showdowns. Clay once again insisted that his "What about me" brainchild was ignored, but Rebecca countered that it was "whiny" and "weak." This caused Claymarosa to react with a shocked "WHAAAAA?" face, as if he hadn't even heard this critique before. Ultimately, Trump declared Clay difficult to work with (no way!), but then decided to turn the harsh light of the interrogation onto Randal. Regarding the erroneous poster, he asked, "Isn't that a firing mistake?" Uh oh. Don't get rid of Randal! Stand strong Randman!!

Luckily, George swooped in to save the day by noting that the group didn't lose the task because of Marketing. Phew! It's okay Randal. You can wipe your forehead with relief. Your oily, oily forehead. Or could he?? After more group questioning, Trump returned his ire towards Randal and said, "You're too good to put on a performance like that." Uh oh. The music is building up. Will this be the upset of the century? Say it ain't so!

"But in life, you've got to look at past events. And that's called history," Trump said (and yes, we know what "history" means). Uh oh, Clay. This is not gonna be good for you. Sure enough, Trump banged the table and shot off his finger gun: "Clay, you're fired!" You know, it's sort of sad. Not for Clay's sake, but when Omarosa was axed on season one, that was just an epic, disastrous Boardroom. Surely I hoped Clay would leave in a hellstorm of bitchiness and rage, but alas, all we got was this meager confrontation. If it was any consolation, the prissy loser did provide some post-Boardroom antics as he smiled passive-aggressively (is there any other way?) at Rebecca and then refused to hug her. "No, you changed on me. That's okay," he snipped. He later added, "You said something you didn't have to say about me." Huh? What did she say? It's times like these that I really wish Toral were around to whip Clay into shape. She would have hated this task though -- especially if she had to sing. The Toral DOES NOT sing. Such acts bring shame and indignity upon her family and peers. After all, singing is something those cute secretaries do on their ever so precious weekends.

Well, Rebecca and Randal headed up to the suite, and before Clay went down to the street, the normally tight-lipped Robin chirped, "Goodbye Clay." What's up with the administrative workers loving Clay so much? First Rhona, then Robin. He must be giving them makeover tips. You just watch. Next week they'll both be wearing polka-dotted blouses.

Meanwhile, in the Boardroom, Carolyn turned to The Donald and sighed, "This was a tough Boardroom." Why? Because it was so boring? You is a crazy lady, C-Dawg.

We then saw Clay pile into his cab, and then came the moment we were all waiting for: his petty, vindictive response. "They're going to lose the next task horribly, especially Rebecca with her broken ankle," he said. Sooo is there going to be a marathon? I don't understand why the broken ankle matters. Maybe there'll be a dance marathon. Or a sock hop. I guess we'll just have to wait to find out.

What did you think about this episode? Glad to see Clay gone? Or sad that there's no enemy now?

Posted by at 3:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (49)

This past Friday, while America was still trying to cope with the awesome power of a prime time Mischa Barton nipple slip, there were some people who realized that there were more important things in the world, like making sure that two supermodels could put aside years of hostility towards each other in hopes that they, along with an entire nation, could get back to healing their wounds. It was enough to make you want to cry knowing how Naomi Campbell and Tyra Banks could take what they have learned over many years of fighting and use it in hopes of preventing other young women from having to face the same things themselves. It was an afternoon of old memories, new apologies, and the seven deadly sins of sisterhood.

I was very excited to see exactly what was going to happen on the set of Tyra's show. By now, their feud is well known, but what was very interesting about the show is that it was almost entirely non-confrontational. Although Tyra was trying to play this off as a chance to get everything out in the open and get real, it turned out to be not quite as revealing or catty as I had hoped. Tyra is still new at this talk show business, and her interview skills are still, how do you say it? Oh yes, a work in progress. As for Naomi, we know she has anger issues, and it looks like she was trying not to stir things up

In case you couldn't tell Tyra was serious, she told us she was worried about what was going to happen...WITHOUT ANY MAKEUP.

Naomi's grand entrance. Did they pat her down for any weapons beforehand? Like a cell phone or blackberry?

Tyra started the interview by talking about how she has been haunted by the memories of the bad press. Early on in her career, she idolized Naomi, but even before she got to meet her in person, the press had started a competition among the two of them. Sometimes I am convinced that all models are forced to fight each other in some ancient temple to see who is superior, like in the Karate Kid part II. Of course, most of the fighting would probably be over who would get the best kimono, but I think it would be interesting nonetheless. Anyway, Naomi was very nice to Tyra when she first came on the scene, and Tyra remembered Naomi giving her some vitamins when they were on a photo shoot together and Tyra was feeling sick on a boat. HA! Vitamins! While everybody was coming clean, I wish the two of them would have said how many times a photographer made them do coke before taking their picture.

It's a day of healing. From all angles.

The interview continued, and it was basically filled with Tyra asking Naomi about all of the bad things she heard people say about her, and Naomi not really remembering if she said those things at all. Tyra would then say something like "Those things really hurt me" and then Naomi would say things like "What matters is what's going on now." I thought Tyra looked like she was getting annoyed whenever she would accuse Naomi of getting her kicked off of runway shows and Naomi would respond by saying that she had people around her that were giving her bad advice. And really, that's the great thing about having an entourage; whenever something goes bad, you can blame them. How long before Britney Spears blames marrying Kevin Federline on "bad advice from people around her" and not "I didn't know you had to take the pill EVERY day"? I'm putting the over under at 6.5 weeks after she divorces him, which I put at 12.5 weeks.

Tyra: Serious.

Naomi: Carefree.

To tell you the truth, I was thinking about turning off the show, but you know the rules for the Tivo. If the viewing's not complete, you must not delete. Things started to get interesting after Tyra started talking about why she wanted to get out of the high fashion industry. She had told people that she couldn't take the demands of maintaining a model weight, and told her agent to go to Sports Illustrated and Victoria's Secret, places where they wouldn't frown if she had a curve or two. Tyra told Naomi that her eating and weight were not the only reason she left the industry; a big portion was that she couldn't mentally handle the way she was being treated. Finally, she said that one of the reasons why she created TZONE (her foundation promoting independence and self-esteem for girls) and started ANTM was as a response to the way she was treated.

I know this might not be kosher to say, but THANK YOU NAOMI!. If you weren't such a bitch, maybe that 1997 Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover never would have happened, and one of my favorite Tyra pictures. never would have either. Isn't the advent of ANTM worth the minor psychological trauma Tyra endured?

It was about this time where Naomi started to open up a little bit more. She said that what happened in the past is not important, because she has so much more to live for now. She went on to talk about her addiction and recovery, and while this may be the first time I have seen Naomi being interviewed, she had me convinced that she was being sincere when she started talking about how therapy had helped her, and alluded that it helped her remember things from her childhood that had affected her. Naomi didn't say sexual abuse, but Tyra channeled her inner Katie Couric, sniffed it out, and asked her if that was the case. Naomi didn't confirm anything other than to say that she was always outspoken and stuck up for herself even as a little girl.

Up until this time, the studio audience had been absent, and when they came back, the tone was much friendlier. After she came out for the second time, Naomi told Tyra that she took responsibility for anything she might have done wrong in the past and thanked Tyra for the chance to come on and talk about it. That sentence was really all that Tyra wanted to hear, and she nearly broke down crying.

Naomi then got a chance to talk a little bit about herself, and continued to open up a little bit more emotionally, especially when talking about her mother. She admitted that one thing she envied Tyra for was that Tyra was able to bring her mom everywhere (Tyra said the only reason she kept her mom around was to help her cope with people like Naomi). Naomi's mom had to stay home and raise her brother, and it was difficult for her because the only person who Naomi could ever trust was her mother. She then revealed that her mother had breast cancer and was in the United States getting treatment. To add a little intrigue to this whole tale, we learned that Naomi's mom and Tyra have the same birthday and look a lot alike. Oh, they're just telling this to us NOW? I am not Naomi's or Tyra's therapist (although either are welcome on my couch at any time), but does anybody think that might have just a little bit to do with the issues between these two?

I wish somebody would have taken the time to answer why Tyra's dress had that strange bib.

We rushed through the final segment with Naomi talking about her line of perfumes. For those of you who want to smell like a million dollar lawsuit, she is introducing her first fragrance in the United States. But we had to get on to more important things, perhaps the most important part of the episode: sisterhood. Sisterhood is Tyra's main cause. She says that girls spend too much time hating on each other, and not enough time helping and being positive towards each other, and she believes that this environment prevents all women from being as strong as they could be because of the negative feelings they have for each other. Tyra calls them the Seven Deadly Sins of Sisterhood, and to demonstrate, she had seven girls tell their tales of the deadly sins.

Betrayal: You told me that my ass didn't look big in capri pants.

Manipulation: You told me to divorce my husband and then you married him two months later

Judgment: Does it matter that I like the sponge?

Envy: So my boyfriend makes more money than yours. DEAL.

Gossip: I don't do THAT on the first date.

PASSION! OK, just kidding about that one.

Competition: Constantine loves me more than you.

Resentment: We showed up at the same party wearing the same dress, and you spilled a drink on me. Then poured beer on my weave!

That's a lot of ways to say that girls are often huge bitches to each other, and Tyra wanted to make sure that it all stopped. She would not stand for sisters hating on each other any more. This seems odd to me because I believe the thing that got me hooked on ANTM was the betrayal, manipulation, judgment, envy, gossip, competition, and resentment displayed each week. Without any of those, you have a show that is so boring, not even PAX would air it. Quite honestly, the whole thing looked like it was just a glorified way to get people to tell their stories so Tyra could have them on the show later and cry about it all over again.

After telling everybody to go to tyrashow.com for more information, the show ended with a runway duel between Tyra and Naomi, with a twist! Tyra would do an impression of Naomi's walk, and Naomi would do an impression of Tyra's walk. Is there any more definitive proof that Tyra and Naomi don't hate each other any more than a humorous game of pantomime down the runway? Tyra and Naomi can sleep better tonight, and so should you.

Posted by at 1:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

It's nipple week here at TVgasm, and I only say that because the search engines really seem to like us when we mention things like Mischa Barton, Marissa Cooper, The OC, nipple, boob, slip, oops, etc. in the same sentence. We never imagined what one barely discernable breast could do for our popularity and our bandwidth bills, but needless to say we've been a little busier here than we are used to. After everybody has finished squinting at the Mischa video (now downloaded about 350,000 times combined at iFilm and TVgasm), life and the show must go on. Last week, Ryan managed to fight his urges and didn't punch Johnny. Seth, on the other hand, couldn't resist the urge to help Taylor Townsend, who couldn't resist the urge to piss off Summer by keeping her locked out. Sandy resisted the urge, perhaps incorrectly, to sell the Newport Group, and Julie Cooper looked like she had given in to Charlotte's urging her to screw over Kirsten as they were planning their charity bash. This week we were hoping that the truth in all of the situations would be, uh, exposed, once and for all.

One of the things that the producers of The OC love is being able to coin new phrases and establish new trends in popular culture. One of their favorite vehicles to do this is Seth Cohen. We all remember Chrismukkah, and last year a lot of people started talking about comic books and graphic novels like they actually knew the difference between the two. The early returns are in, and it looks like we may have a focus on kung fu movies this year. Seth's interest in the classics of cult cinema have been mentioned before, but when you start out with Master of the Flying Guillotine, you know that things are getting serious. Like many, I had a crazy uncle who liked kung fu movies and owned some nun chucks, but nowadays, I prefer the epic Asian masterpieces like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon or House of Flying Daggers. I'll probably see Memoirs of a Geisha alone so I will be able to deny it brought me to tears the first time I watched it.

By now, you are pretty bored with everything that I am saying, much like Ryan, Marissa, and Summer were going to be bored to death if they had to spend another movie night with Seth and his kung fu masters. The girls thought it would be much better if they instituted a Cheerocracy and watched Bring It On. And while it looked like Ryan and Seth weren't too excited for 90 minutes of "I’m sexy, I'm cute, I'm popular to boot" and "I'm wanted, I'm hot, I'm everything you're not”, let’s be honest; all of us guys will deal with that as long as there is a chance that the girls will get in the mood and want to play with a spirit stick by the end of the movie.

Jokes about Bring It On. How vintage!

All of these things will have to wait because Volchok is on the prowl. He walks into the diner and lets it be known that he is quite upset with the way Ryan blindsided him the other night. Now, we all know that Ryan punched him in the face fair and square, but Volchok wants a rematch, and there is no way that he is going to let a few semantics or Seth's joke stop him. Ryan isn't one to back down from a challenge, but I think he realizes that a lot of people have given him a lot of chances, and he doesn't want to get in a fight and ruin his future in the process.

The next day at school, Seth is still worried about Ryan. He knows what Ryan should do, but there is no telling what his alter ego Kid Chino will do. Ryan assures him that Kid Chino is retired and he has hung up the hoodie. I am not sure if Seth is convinced, but he has his own problem to deal with. In the last episode, he helped Taylor Townsend's lock-in from becoming a complete and utter disaster with his inventive games and grace under fire and flying footwear. Unfortunately, his random act of kindness made him a target for Taylor Townsend's limitless amounts of affection. Seth was not only the person that treated her the nicest in recent memory (lecherous deans looking for easy ass access do not count), he was pretty much the only one, and Taylor wanted to return the favor.

In truth, Seth found out that Taylor wasn't that bad. She really teeters on the edge from sweet and nice to crazy and psychotic, however, and when she starts talking about asking Seth to help her plan the next dance, he quickly realizes that he has to abort whatever is going on. A) He doesn't really like dances other than dancing with his girlfriend and B) his girlfriend, who he still loves very much, would kill him if she ever found out that he didn't hate her with a passion. It upsets Summer enough when he seems completely unsympathetic to the bruised hand she has from pounding the door on the side of the gymnasium trying to get back in.

Does anybody else remember when Sandy was still a lawyer? When Kirsten was gone and Caleb dead, he was effectively running the company, but now that he has decided not to sell, he is excited for his first day at his old new job. When he gets to the job, he is very excited to put his touch on things, and his touch is making sure the Newport Group is doing good work by making one quarter of their properties low-income housing. Sounds great, but depending on their definition of low-income, developers are often government subsidized. It still takes a risk on their part, but a lot of the risk is taken out of our paychecks. But since this isn't the Libertarian lesson of the day, I'll spare you the message, and just say that it looked like everybody at the Newport Group was happy to see that Sandy was officially in charge. Five minutes into his tenure as President and CEO, Sandy learns of his first tough decision. Matt has met up with the accountants, and it appears that in order to continue running, Sandy is going to have to get rid of nine people.

To tell you the truth, I think that things worked a lot better when he was doing good and Kirsten was making the money. Kirsten is just too smart, and although she is finding some happy homemaker tasks to keep her busy, I just don't think it will last. I know she is recovering and everything though, so let's not rush her into anything. For now, Kirsten has some other things to keep her busy, number one being the fundraiser she is planning with Julie and Charlotte. At the beginning of the show, Sandy was worried that Kirsten was doing all the work and Julie and Charlotte were busy getting Mystics (that would be Mystic spray-on tans), but everybody was playing a large part. Now, it's true that Kristen was busy thinking of how to make money, and Julie and Charlotte were busy trying to rip that money off, but they were all doing their part. It seemed like Julie didn't want to do it, but with two daughters (so the writers admit that Kaitlin does exist!), no husband, and no money, she is not going to be able to stick around Newport unless she has a bank account, or several hundred thousand dollars stuffed in the mattress in her condo.

As I said before, Taylor now has it in her head that Seth is like her best friend. Hey, that could be very true because she doesn't have any friends, so if Seth is her only friend, it makes him her best friend. She still needs to know a little bit more about him, especially that whole Summer situation. What better person to ask than Ryan Atwood? Taylor believes that even though Summer and Seth are as cute and perfect of a couple as Brad and Jen, she can always be the Angelina in the whole process. She already has a little bit of a head start since her last relationship was this bizarre affair with a man much older than her (we remember Billy Bob) and her relationship with her mom is looking like Angelina and Jon Voigt.

Ryan tells Taylor that Seth and Summer are too stable and she is not going to be able to do anything, besides he is more interested in getting away from her. Seth may have been nice to her, but she is still one of the reasons why Marissa isn't at Harbor. When he comes outside, he finds that Volchok and some of his surf Nazi friends on the top of the Range Rover. Ryan ignores them, even when they pour Coke over the hood and scrawl "Little Bitch" into the side of the door with a key. Volchok is not afraid of causing damage, either to other's property or Ryan's face, so it looks like Mr. Atwood has a bit of a dilemma on his hands.

Marissa also has a dilemma on her hands. She feels terrible because she believes that she caused not only Johnny's breakup, but Johnny's fight with Volchok, which means she created Volchok's fight with Ryan. After school, she goes to visit Ryan, who is busy putting a heavy bag up in pool house. At first, she wondered what all of the tools were for, and I thought Ryan was going to say "I need all of these tools so I can make a band, I'm going to call it Rooney." But really, he just wants a target so he can spend time punching something innocent (Summer barely avoided it last week) without hurting anybody or getting kicked out of school. She hears about Ryan and how he didn't get in a fight at school and is very proud, and when Ryan hears about how bad she is worried about Johnny, he tells her to invite him to the Bait Shop that weekend.

Ryan may have told Taylor that she doesn't have a chance with Seth, but Taylor really has nothing else to do, so she is going to keep on trying. Luckily for her, Seth's parents won't find it strange at all that she comes over and she is not Summer. All she has to say is that is that they are working on a science project, and she will be free to get freaky with Seth, as long as they have a potato clock or baking soda volcano to show for it afterwards. Seth, on the other hand, does not find it so comforting when Taylor makes it into his room. It's strange that she seems to love kung fu movies at least as much as he does, much the same way Anna loved comic books. Still, it's not enough for him to even think of choosing Taylor over Summer, and when Summer calls, he finally gets Taylor to leave.

Having ditched Taylor, Seth is free to join his friends at the Bait Shop. This week's whiny band to be lifted from obscurity into prominence is the Subways. I am sure there will be people out there that complain when I say that they sound exactly like most of the other people the producers choose to highlight on the show, and I will admit they don't seem like the cookie cutter "Are we on heroin, homeless, or just too hipster for you?" types that usually surface. Either way, by the looks of everybody there, they are completely bored. I know it is strange because Johnny is sort of a pity invite, and playing fifth wheel to kids you don't really know might be worse than Netflix with Chili (I guess he's trying not to choose sides in the battle and we won't see him much), but you think that these people could make it look more exciting than watching a couple of agents dancing at an Oar concert, worried about ruining their suits.

Even if the band was boring, there was going to be plenty of drama coming soon. First, Taylor tried to find Seth. She knew that Summer would be there and she had a way to make her jealous. While Taylor was talking to Seth, Summer of course tried to break it up. While some may argue that Taylor just needs a friend, Summer is not really under any obligation to be that friend. I think she might have been interested in helping Taylor along socially, but when Taylor locked her out, and now tries to move in on her boyfriend, she can't let that happen. Taylor doesn't stick around to fight Summer, but she wants to give something back to Seth. That's right, it's Captain Oats. Captain Oats and Summer's Princess Sparkle share a special bond, and while you might think there could be other things that are more symbolic of their love, these plastic horses mean a lot, and when Summer saw that Taylor had it, she knew Seth had explaining to do. Seth has to admit that Taylor was in his room, which isn't a great idea, because he had lied to Summer about it earlier. I think he should have told her what he told Ryan, i.e. nobody wants Dean Hess's seconds, and so she shouldn't worry.

So Taylor has done plenty of damage, but we haven't seen nothin' yet, because Volchok is about to burst onto the scene, and since there is a law that white kids with hoodies on this show must be prone to violence (see Ryan, Johnny), he is looking to start a fight. Ryan is willing to walk away, but when Volchok grabs Marissa, only a huge black bouncer stops Ryan from beating his ass to pulp. Even though he got thrown out, Volchok now knows what Ryan's weakness is and he plans to use it. The next day, Marissa tries to bribe Volchok out of the fight with $4000 dollar watch. She brings Chili around, I guess for evidence, and Volchok agrees. By the way, I know that the public school Newport kids are poor and everything, but would Chili really drive an LTD? Wouldn't it be more like an '88 Accord?

The big news that weekend is still the charity event. Kristen is getting very into it, and Charlotte is chomping at the bit to get her investment into Kirsten Cohen back. Julie, however, is having second thoughts about everything, especially after she hears that Kirsten is going to have to sign a liability agreement, setting herself up for a big fall. At first Charlotte told her to be practical. When Charlotte skipped town, everybody would think it was her, and Julie would be left to help her friend Kirsten out when she was in need. When Julie still showed some hesitation, she said that if Julie didn't play along, Charlotte would alert the cops, still skip town, and leave Julie to take the rap. If that was still a problem, Charlotte promised to cut off one of Bunny's toes and sell it for the ransom money, or a bag of dirty underwear.

Another big event happening that Sunday was at the Newport Group, where Matt had taken it upon himself to do the firing that would be necessary on a Sunday. Sandy looked at the books, and he found out that by cutting her and there, including a lot of his own perks, he could save five people. It meant that their margins would be so thin, that even one bad deal could sink the company, but Sandy wanted to take that risk. It also meant that they would still have to get rid of four but losing four would be less of a morale killer than losing nine; he just didn't plan to do it on Sunday. Matt had wanted to do it on Sunday so the people being fired wouldn't have to be humiliated as they cleaned out their desks, but Sandy wasn't about to let somebody else do his dirty work, and did the firing, one day ahead of his schedule.

That night, the party was turning into a huge success. Kirsten was genuinely happy and she let Julie know it, and boy was it ever a huge guilt trip. She not only thanked Julie for convincing her that she needed to do this, Kirsten said that it was great to know she had Julie's support. If that wasn't enough to make Julie feel like shit, Kirsten said that the only way it could be better would be if her father was still alive to see them working together as such good friends. Ouch! Julie looked like she wanted to rewind this country song and get her dog and truck back in the process.

Anybody who was anybody in Newport was there, or at least anybody who had a minor detail in the story line, including Taylor and her mother, who apparently didn't come for any other reason than to make fun of Taylor for not having any friends and telling her that she would have been better sitting home alone reading The Economist. It's times like these, when you wish that Zach were still around. He is obviously enough of a geek that Taylor would like him, plus he has always liked girls that liked Seth first, so it would be good for everybody. Anyway, Seth sees Taylor's mom making fun of her, and decides to save her again by acting like he was looking for her. This probably seemed like a relief to Taylor until her mom continued by letting out how much she talked about Seth and how she spent hours wrapping a present for him. She gives him the gift, which is a rare kung fu movie only distributed in Asia (we are assuming Seth has a region-free DVD player), but leaves running.

Seth follows her, and she is crying. It was nice of Seth to help her, but she realizes that she has no friends. Even the Grinch had that "stupid little dog," but she can't even pay for somebody to share in her misery. Again, Seth tries to help out Taylor. Listen, I know that he is being nice, and I love Taylor's character, but we know this is going to lead to trouble. This is a little too much like Anna, and I am wondering if the writers are just setting us up to have her leave by plane to somewhere east just like every other woman rejected by Ryan or Seth. He tells her that she is funny and has great taste in movies, and that if she would relax, she could make friends. Once again, this kind gesture leads Taylor to believe something is going to happen, and that her dreams of being Angelina, perhaps minus kissing her brother, would someday come true.

The look of love, is in her eyes

Inside the party, Julie Cooper decided that enough was enough. She wasn't going to betray her only friend. She made an announcement saying that there were so many donations; she hoped that people would write their checks to a different charity, the National Foundation for Substance Abuse. Charlotte hears this new, legitimate, charity and once again threatens to out Julie Cooper, but Julie calls her bluff. She is not going to betray Kristen and since the town was only big enough for one manipulative bitch, Charlotte would have to get the hell out of there.

While all of this was going on, Ryan noticed that Marissa was not around. Johnny, who helped with the setup of the party, was there when Ryan got a phone call from her phone, but on the other end was Volchok. He had come to tell Marissa that he didn't want her watch, and that he needed money. It was only $50, so he told her to get into his molester van and he'll take her to an ATM. Volchok really wanted to bait Ryan into fighting, because he knew that Ryan's weakness was Marissa, and he was right. As soon as he heard that they would be at the pier (we used to fight at the flag pole in my day), Ryan rushes to help her.

The last couple of weeks have been about how Ryan is using his brains and not flying off the handle, but it was going to take a lot of anger management to save himself from this one. When he gets there, he goes completely nuts. He tells Volchok that not only does he want to fight, he wants to hurt him badly, and he's done it before, so it doesn't bother him. He breaks a glass bottle and tells Volchok to come get a piece. Seeing how crazy Ryan is, Marissa tries to get him to stop, but whatever Ryan was doing worked, because Volchok and his crew backed down and ran. Yes, yes, the craziness was just an act. He wanted to see how reckless Volchok was, and when Ryan basically made the game mutually assured destruction, Volchok decided he didn't want to play. Considering how monumentally stupid it was for Marissa to get in a van with Volchok and his friends without anybody watching her back, you have to agree that things went pretty well. Ryan and Marissa go home and they kiss, but just in case you think he has completely changed, he punches his new bag until his hands bleed. BLEED I say. OC writers are never ones for the subtle metaphors.

This was a good episode, but I did think the end of the Charlotte saga was pretty anti-climactic. What I love about Julie is that she is willing to do anything to get ahead. She is unscrupulous and calculating, but less and less is she willing to take somebody else down in order for her to get ahead. Oh, and she's smoking hot to boot. I am increasingly enjoying how manic Taylor has become, and while it looks like Johnny might still be a problem in terms of fitting his story lines in, from the previews, it looks like the producers are going to take care of that problem pretty quickly.

What did you think of this episode? Have we seen the last of Volchok? How far will Taylor go to get her hands on Seth?

"Hey!" Count: Episode - 29, Season - 144.

Posted by at 12:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (23)

Does this mean we've made it? TVgasm broke the story about Mischa Barton's nip slip just a few days ago, and already it's on Saturday Night Live. Granted, the site wasn't mentioned, but we've got to admit, this is pretty damn cool.

Amy Poehler: "Fox is concerned about possible fines from the FCC after a scene in last week's OC in which Mischa Barton's nipple briefly slipped out of her shirt. Most likely in search of food."

Posted by at 1:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (24)

America's Next Top Model has given us a lot of interesting moments this year. For example, if I had said that Steve-O and Chris Pontius and Jason Acuna would be on a television show with some models and that somebody would have pissed themselves in an adult diaper, who would have thought it would be one of the models? Tyra had one of the best reality moments of the year when she went off on Tiffany, but nearly equaled it when she eliminated both Jayla and Nicole, bringing them to tears, only to say it was all a joke, that none of them were eliminated and everybody was going to London. I for one wouldn't mind having a squiz at any of these fit birds or having them give me a good toss. Well, except for maybe Kim; her cods might be bigger than mine.

We usually open up the episode with the girls talking about their dearly departeds, but this time there was nobody to mourn. That does not mean that the girls weren't affected, because Jayla and Nicole were steel feeling the sting of one of the more brilliant (or cruel, depending on your point of view) fakeouts in ANTM history. I have to say how much I loved the way Tyra handled the situation. She had just eliminated these girls from a competition that has taken weeks from their lives. The judges had just finished making a decision that would perhaps completely destroy the dreams of one or both of the girls. What does Tyra do? Dance around with the Union Jack, of course, and laugh your ass off when it comes time for editing.

The next day, the girls met Jenny Shimizu who represents several unique parts of modeling being 5'7" (ie short), a minority, covered in tattoos, and a lesbian. She was discovered by Calvin Klein while she was riding a motorcycle, and she had a lot of great advice for the girls, but she wanted to focus on how being an individual is not a detriment to your modeling career. Jenny (does she go by Jenny or Shimizu?) said that it was the differences in modeling that makes things beautiful. The whole segment might as well have been a personal note to Kim. As soon as she heard that Jenny was a lesbian, Kim started to pay attention, asking her questions like how to make things feminie, even when you might consider yourself a tomboy. I really don't think Kim's problem is that she is a tomboy. The problem is that face of hers. Like my sister said when she called today (she was upset I hadn't posted this in time), the girl has no bone structure. If I had just finished watching six hours of girls softball, I might think that Kim is attractive, but I couldn't see her being Dairy Queen (or at Wesleyan, Soy Milk Queen) let alone winning Top Model.

Ms. Shimizu was nice, but I don't think a lot of the girl got a lot out of the encounter besides Kim, for the obvious reasons, and Lisa, who, as always, enjoyed telling people that she recognized the model as soon as she walked in the door. Soon after the girls were told they were going to meet ghosts from their pasts, which, to my dissappointment, was not the sequeal to the best Brendan Frasier/Christopher Walken/ Sissy Spacek comedy vehicle from the late 90s. Instead, they got to meet Kevin Frazier, who some of you may recognize from various ESPN NBA gigs, but who is more recently known for his work as a correspondent for Entertinment Tonight.

Mr. Frazier introduces the ghosts from the past, which turn out to be pictures of the girls themselves. During the final weeks of ANTM, it becomes more and more important for the girls to not only demonstrate model ability and skill in their photographs, but in their everyday appearance. Kevin emphasized that their will be cameras on them all of the time, and they have to be aware of them all of the time. It's almost as if their lives were being recorded and would be broadcast all over the world where people would watch them laugh, cry, and backstab each other just because they wanted to amuse themsevles. Who would do that sort of thing? Now there was great potential to show lots of embarrassing pictrues of everybody, but I thought they could have done more. Oh look, Lisa is making a fool of herself! Never imagined that would happen!

At this point in the episode, I am a little bored. OK, we had an asian lesbian. OK, we had an entertainment correspondent. But overall, I thought it could be better. It was fine hearing about Jenny Shimizu, but Kevin Frazier was about as exciting as listening to Ed Bradley give a lecture on grooming your schnauzer. What is the point of all of this? Lisa had been complaining that there was too much lollygagging in Los Angeles and not enough flying to London, and I am one to agree, and not just because a move to England will let me make a bunch of Monty Python jokes. Once the models move out of their original digs, they start to get even more competitive. Emotions run high, and just when everybody needs the support of their roommates more than ever, the fighting and the backstabbing come in full force. It's a wonderful thing.

I think a lot of the girls were looking for a change of scenery. There are always going to be fights and factions in the house, but it has seemed like everybody in the house is either pro or anti-Lisa. In that pro Lisa camp is Lisa, and in the anti-lisa camp is everybody else. I like Lisa, and although I think she went a little too far last week in her quest to grab attention, she has personality. Besides, I think that most of the anti-Lisa crowd is actually more jealous because she has been taking great pictures. Her crazy behavior makes it easy to make her a scapegoat and not feel bad about it.

Another reason I think that Lisa is getting a bad rap is that I think there are other people in the house causing drama as well, and one of those people was Kim. Kim seems to be a girl that a lot of people like, but she likes to talk about people behind their backs. She picks one person to be her best friend, and then she gets together with them and talks shit about the others. The last time we had an elimination, that friend was Kyle and she said that they were the only two sane people left in the house. With Kyle out of the house, Nicole moves into position to be Kim's sloppy thirds, and they get right to work talking about the others. Nik is too boring, Lisa is an alcoholic, but Jayla gets the worst. Jayla is called ugly, annoying, and a bad joke deliverer, and if it's one thing that potential models can't stand is bad comedic timing, so for Jayla to be called the Colin Quinn of ANTM 5 really hurts.

People have started getting wise to Kim's antics. You think Lisa's attention grabbing stunts were desperate? Kim starts playing harmonica to show Nicole how much she would have missed her if she left? And likewise, how much she would have been happy if Jayla was eliminated. Was anybody else thinking it was strange that Kim was playing the harmonica? I mean, I guess it helps you with your tongue dexterity, but couldn't she just tie knots with cherry stems like the rest of us? Jayla hasn't gone out of her way to be nice to people, but other than her incident with Nik, she seems to be trying to get along with other people. True, she might have things to say about the competition, but she isn't badmouthing the girls to other roomates all the time, a practice Kim has turned into an art form.

Jayla was telling Bre that she knows that a lot of people say thing about her, but it is always started by Kim; others add things to be funny. Bre says that she knows exactly what Jayla is talking about and says that she is afraid that if she leaves a room, Kim will start talking about her, summing it up by saying "That bitch ain't right!" and wagging her finger in disapproval. It's true that Kim talked behind people's backs or when they leave the room, but Kim doesn't even have to go that far. While Nik is talking on the phone with her friend Visa (she had already spoken to Master Card and learned that Diner's Club was having a baby), Kim picked up the phone and after telling Visa that she's the gayest person in the house, but she won't take American Exp