Hey Fat Lazy TV Watchers, Win A Tarshi Bar!

Have you ever wanted to be a part of television, but worried about scraping your fat ass away from your TV or internet for longer than it takes to order your double stuffed, thing crust, triple decker, multi-cheese, meat lovers, pan fried, deep fried pizza? Worry not!

Tv Gasm is making available to you a way to win the most self indulgent product since TRUMP WATER, a Tarshi Bar without ever having to leave your computer screen.

That's right. We at the Gasm not only encourage TV watching, but laziness and gluttony as whole. So when the opportunity arose to give away food, well we leaped at the chance. Well, I leaped...but the effort used in that leap, caused palpitations of the heart and I collapsed in a cold pale sweat. I am told J-Unit ran to my unconscious aid, but only made it about 15 feet before succumbing to a sudden onset of diabetes on account of seeing how many twinkies he could eat in a 48 hour period. B-Side would have helped, but was too busy masturbating over his silly victory over J-Unit and I, in the best of 2004 poll. Back to the point...

All you have to do win the Tarshi Bar, is pick the next apprentice....Read entry instructions and the official rules after the jump...

THE DEAL - Whoever can predict the winner of this season of The Apprentice, as well as most accurately predict the order in which the candidates will be fired, will win the Tarshi Bar.

In an email send the names in order 1st place (THE APPRENTICE) to 18th place (Todd). Winners will be announced at the end of the show. In the event of a tie, winner will be determined by who I deem to be hotter. I kid! In the event of a tie, multiple bars will be rewarded up to 5. Should more than 5people tie, the winners will be determined by the order their entry was received.

THE DEADLINE: Thursday, Feb 3rd 12:00pm PST

Email your submission to madeyoulaugh@tvgasm.com
Be sure to reference a Tarshi Bar in the Subject.

GOOD LUCK!!

And on a related note:

Tarshi's Bar & Trump's Water have inspired me. Be sure to keep an eye out in the future for my new product "Madeyoulaugh's Nuts!" Almonds, peanuts, macadamia, walnuts and more. It never looked as good as it does in its sleek packaging. And as a healthy snack alternative, Mothers everywhere will be saying "I can’t wait to get my children’s mouths around Madeyoulaugh's Nuts!" COMING SOON

Clark and Lana Try to Find Sexual Healing

It's been a little while since I have taken the time to comment on a Smallville episode. Yes, the Tivo missed one and I made an urgent plea to TVgasm readers for help, which they obliged. The main problem though was that the WB has waited quite a long time to air new episodes after the new year. Although some people argue that my infatuation with Kristin Kreuk has clouded my objectivity, and although I might not love Smallville as much if the mannish-chinned Jennifer Garner was in the lead, I still think the formula works quite well. And since one of the admittedly many reasons TVgasm was launched was because I wanted to write about the show, I think everybody owes that fine ass of Kristin Kreuk at least a little bit of gratitude.

I have long lamented how the writers of The OC really have no grasp on how long or short story arcs should be, although since I am only a viewer, maybe I'm the one full of shit. Still, when I see how the writers of Smallville are able to juggle between full season and three or four episode story lines with ease, not to mention bringing back interesting characters at what always seems like a good time, perhaps I am only half full.

As we open the episode, Clark is studying at the Talon. As the star quarterback on a team that won the state championship, Clark not only won himself a scholarship, but also the sudden onset adoration of his classmates, including many that have never seen the school newspaper. So it is only natural to think that when Clark is invited by two hotties to a party and they make special mention of the hot tub that will be at the party, he will be more than happy to oblige them with his super self. (Oh look, more than 5 people in the high school have speaking parts. I hope The OC writers are learning.) But this is Clark Kent, and he is forever to be tortured by love he may never be able to fully experience. As he explains to his mom later, he is interested in other girls, but he doesn't want to get to know them only to be forced to lie to them about his secret. Well, he could have sex with them and then sneak out the next morning, but I guess he'll have to wait until college to try that out. Like he said "A girl must be crazy to go out with me." Oh, now that's a GREAT setup for a segue.

It just so happens that there was one girl that was very crazy and very much into Clark. Her name was Alicia, and for those of you who don't remember, or are just humoring me by reading this article, she not only learned of Clark and his abilities, but had some abilities of her own in the form a nifty little teleporting trick. Alicia (played by Sarah Carter, who makes me rethink my Erica Durance crush) is hot and Clark actually seemed to enjoy spending time with her, that is at least until she became a little too obsessed with having Clark all to herself, to the point where she tried to kill any competition, including Lana.

Alicia was sent to the crazy house, but through the miracles of modern medicine, was completely cured. Her doctors even developed an arm band that would prevent her using her teleporting ability. After her release, she immediately goes to see Clark and apologizes. Now even though we all have a feeling that this is going to turn into some crazy fatal attraction, you can see the kind of attraction Clark and Alicia have for each other. She went as far to say that knowing Clark was on the outside and had feelings for her was one of the things that gave her the strength to get better ("In my darkest moment, you gave me hope"). For Clark, he was impressed that there was one person on this earth that not only knew what it was like to be different from everybody else, but knew about his secret, and didn't reveal it for any reason.

Now Clark's parents aren't so sure that she is cured, and Clark wants to make sure that everything is on the up and up, so he asks Chloe to do a little investigation for him. After hacking into the computer of the mental facility that had stored Alicia, she learns that the she didn't escape, and that her doctors really did believe she was cured.

With this knowledge in hand, Clark decides it would be no problem to see Alicia, you know, since she is cured and all. They have a nice little date at the skating rink, and although Clark has superpowers, it doesn't mean he has any natural balance on the ice. This leads to the obligatory hand hold around the rink, followed by Clark falling and Alicia falling on top of him. Naturally, this would lead to a nice little romantic kiss on the ice, but that was not to happen. Alicia caught a glimpse of her doctor in the skating rink and held back. Apparently the doctor was smart enough to put a locator in the bracelet, so Alicia would never get too far. He tells her that Clark is the object of her obsession and the reason why she was in the hospital in the first place. It is therefore imperative that she never see Clark.

While it's not too hard to believe that Alicia isn't homicidal, we can all tell that she is still really into Clark, and with only slightly less vigor than John Hinckley was interested in Jodie Foster. She wants to be with Clark, but it's obvious that despite his feelings for her, he is not going to leave the life that he has to be with her. From there, she decides she must do something else if she is ever going to get close.

Our teleporting friend is not the only person Smallville trying to put back together the pieces of a broken relationship. Lana is trying to win back Jason. He doesn't want to admit the reason he broke up with Lana was because he couldn't stand up to his mother, so he makes up some excuse that she is not ready for the kind of relationship he needs. Lana takes this to mean that Jason was not happy with the idea of spending his nights doing the post-coital cuddle without doing the coital first. Confused, she talks to Chloe about her problem. When Lana was possessed and we learned that she was still a virgin, it was not that huge of a shock, even though she did spend three months in Paris dating the same guy. Chloe admitted that most people thought that they had already did the nasty, and then surprised all of us by revealing that she had cashed in her V-card already.

Whoa! That's right. Not to digress too much, but Chloe actually got laid before Lana did. Chloe's not exactly homely, but she is not Lana. But you kind of have to take into account who was persuing each of them. Lana had Jason, former star athlete probably very familiar with many cheerleaders, while Chloe had Jimmy (yes THAT Jimmy) from the Daily Planet, who was likely most familiar with hand lotion and a box of tissues. Now I don't want to ruin the chances out of all of the dorky newspaper interns out there, but Chloe was truly not impressed and told Lana that she wished her first time was more special. Looks like Jimmy is going to have to relearn how to be happy with "The Stranger".

Chloe warned Lana that she shouldn't have sex with Jason for the wrong reason, but Lana was convinced that it would be worth it if that would keep them together. She proceeded to line her apartment with a bunch of tea candles and wait for Jason in one of his long-sleeve shirts. Now while I believe there is no better way to surprise your man (and believe me, it's not the tea candles), Jason was a little less enthused when he came in and saw Lana in that state. Lana started to get undressed, but with some sort of inhuman willpower Jason didn't throw her on the bed and give it a go. He then admits that the reason why he broke up with Lana was, in fact, his mother. And he wasn't just scared of what his mother might think, he believed his mother had somehow arranged for him to meet Lana and couldn't let his mother use him to get close to Lana any longer. It's an excuse that really should tell Lana how much Jason still loves her, but we know she isn't going to be consoled knowing that he loves her if he can't be with her.


So, Lana kind of sucked at luring her man into the bed, but Alicia is much more creative than Lana and just a little more determined. She will use any means necessary to get her man including drugs. We all know that Clark isn't going to swoon after downing some ecstasy and viagra, the only thing that really alters his behavior is kryptonite. Green kryptonite kills him, and red kryptonite is like a drug that strips Clark of any conscience (much like Bacardi 151 does for J-Unit on occasion). Alicia knows about the red Kryptonite, and so decides to use it on Clark. She makes a necklace from some pieces that she found in the offices of The Torch and told Clark she made it as a gift to him while she was in the hospital. As expected, it has its desired effect.

At first the red kryptonite leads to a little heavy petting. Clark is not only interested in making out with Alicia though, he wants a little supthin' sumpthin'. It is obvious that Alicia planned on all of this happening, but she still wanted her time with Clark to be special. She was a virgin herself, and she wanted Clark to be just as committed as she was. She didn't want a fling, she wanted a boyfriend. It turns out that he was even more committed than Alicia had hoped, and suggested that they elope to Vegas that night and get married (as if people elope to Vegas to hold hands). With that, Clark broke off her protective wrist band and they went to Vegas.

As expected, it was a quick ceremony, as the two lovebirds seemed much more interested in the honeymoon suite. Once there, the two proceeded to toss each other around and rip off their clothes. For Alicia, it was the happiest moment in her life, but she still wanted it to mean something. She didn't want Clark to make love to her if he wasn't in love to her. Just before he was ready to break on through to the other side, so to speak, Alicia removed the red kryptonite necklace. Immediately Clark knew that he had been drugged. He didn't know where he was, but he had to get back to Smallville.

Speaking of acting like they were on drugs (if you were wondering, yes I do love coming up with these cheesy transitions), Lionel Luthor was definitely acting a few cards short of a deck for a long time now. He has no money, but seemingly doesn't care. He tells Lex he is a changed man, has a greater purpose and wants to inspire the human spirit to avoid the path of darkness. No, he wasn't signing up for the Jerry Falwell ministries, he just wanted to help the poor. Lex wants to believe him, and we all want to believe him, but Lionel has put on an act before. Sure it would mean pulling off one of the greatest hoaxes imagineable, i.e. pretending he had all of a sudden become benevolent, but he was facing the toughest challenge since Lex left him with no money. Eventually, Lex decides that it was more advantageous for him to keep an eye on his father than have him wandering around doing no good, so Lionel became a Kato Kaeilin and began his stay in the guest house. OK, stupid little piece of information that completely took us out of the flow, but I had to put it somewhere, right?

Anwyay, back in Smallville, Clark is trying to pick up the pieces of his broken marriage. Well, that's not really true since he was drugged and the marriage wasn't legal, but he is trying to find out where Alicia went since she is nowhere to be find. Alicia's psychiatrist, Dr. McBride appears at the farm, and starts chatting with Clark. Dr. McBride is none too happy about what Clark did. Alicia was McBride's greatest achievement, and not only did Clark jeopardize that by getting close to her, but he developed quite the thing for Alicia while she was his patient. Alicia finally shows up at the far, and tries to stop the argument before it gets too far. Unfortunately, Dr. McBride decided to let his obsession with her get in front of his common sense and tries to shoot Clark. Even though Clark would have no trouble stopping the bullet, Alicia teleports in front of the bullet before it hits Clark. She had always promised to help keep Clark's secret, and she was willing to risk her life to do so.

As you might have guessed, Dr. McBride was taken in for questioning about his shooting of a former patient. Alicia was recovering in the hospital, and Clark goes to visit her. You can see how much it hurts him, because he wants to be with her so bad. He admits that he still thinks she is beautiful, and still loves her, but it would be impossible for them to be together. So I wasn't exactly fighting back tears, but the melodrama meter was turned up all the way.

What lies ahead for the Smallville virgins? I'm not sure, but they went 0-3 today. Still, you have to hold out hope that his platoon of the unlaid brigade will have success in the future. Alicia clearly has the pick of any man she wants, as long as it's not Clark. There's only so long that Jason is going to be able to cool off a hot for some action Lana. And Lois has already seen Clark naked, so half the work is done. Maybe we didn't get quite the plot details we wanted vis a vis the ancient artifacts of krypton, the maps and such, but you sure as hell aren't going to hear me complain.

Roach Motel

It's that time again. Time for the home renovation episode of The Apprentice. In season one, teams had to spiffy up an apartment. Then last year, it was a whole house. Well, what next? How about Extreme Makeover: Wood Panelling Edition? That's pretty much what we got with this super-sized episode of Trump-mania. The Donald & Co. outdid themselves as each team was assigned the gargantuan task of renovating and running a motel on the Jersey Shoreline. Wow, that sounds like a short-order for chaos. Something tells me Trump approved this mission simply so he could snip "You're a disaster" a few more times.

Like any good Apprentice episode, last night's show kicked off with the usual predictions of who would be returning from the boardroom. Did I mention that these guesses are always wrong? Mark Burnett just loves making these young professionals look like absolute morons. This week's idiot in the spotlight was Bren (which is short for Brent, but long for Ben) who surmised that Danny would be taking the long cab ride home (or at least to Starbucks for a gig). Of course, Bren was way off as Danny marched right back into the suite with fellow survivor Alex. The loft burst into jubilee, with many of the women screeching "AhhhHHHH!!!!" Why were they so excited? Did they not expect to see anyone come back? I can just imagine Tana pulling Erin aside and saying "I thought if you get brought back to the boardroom, they shoot you in the head." To which Erin, of course, would say "Stop touching my bathroom rug."

Knowing that he had just barely snuck by, Danny knew it was time to ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh oooh Get a New Attitude! The next morning, he dressed like Patti LaBelle. Wait, no. That's not right. Okay, no more singing during posts. Anyway, Danny did wake up early to hit the treadmill and then later don a sharp power suit. Va va va voom! Sorry Rhona. Looks like we got a new Swan on our hands.

Moments later, we rejoined Donald Trump who was ever so spontaneously perambulating through the lobby of his hotel. He paused to sign an autograph and — wait, no. That's not a fan. That's a worker. "How's business?" he asked. This is our best year ever, chirped the woman who may very well have been Mary Lou Retton's long lost cousin. "You better have your best year ever!" Donald responded. Wow, that was pretty rough Donald. She's only the valet.

After this little completely unscripted interchange, Trump addressed the groups. Net Worth and Magna were to take over two motels over the next two days. They'd be given a budget of $20,000 to renovate and run the business. Guests would arrive on the second day, stay over night, participate in a few drug stings, maybe kill a hooker and dispose of it, and then finally fill out a survey on Yahoo! Local.

Brian, the short bowling ball of Net Worth, volunteered to be project manager. Why? "I'm in 'real estate'" he said, (skeptical quotes added by me). Brian also has experience in "waste management", "construction" and "racketeering" - uh - I mean, "badminton". Amazingly enough, former pro-wrestler Chyna was not so happy with Brian's position as leader. Oh wait. Did I say Chyna? I meant Kristen. The two of them could be sisters. Or brothers. Or... tranny-doubles. It's just odd, okay? And as long as I'm piping up about similarities, did anyone else notice Brian's uncanny resemblance to Goombas, the Super Mario Bros. bad guys? Honestly, there was no pun intended.

Net Worth eventually arrived at their motel in Seaside Height, NJ. "It's so cuuuute!" purred the girls. Yay! Awnings! That enthusiasm quickly died down as the team explored the various motel rooms. People immediately ranked all the detractions of the property: there was mildew, there were funky odors, dirty carpets, nasty walls, and bugs in the sink. But what no one seemed to give a rat's ass about was that there were NO BEDS! Mmm yeah. Sort of an important, nay, essential part of any guest's overnight stay.

Completely repulsed by the motel, Audrey immediately arranged for a dumpster to come by so everyone could toss anything that looked bug-ridden, pee-stained, or dead-hookerish. Chyna, er, Kristen piped up to suggest Brian create a budget before renting out a dumpster, but the spherical PM rejected the idea. The dumpster is life! What was Kristen to do except lick her wounds and unleash some clumsy passive aggressiveness: "I don't do business that way," she stated, "but that's fine." In fact, she was so fine with it that she repeated the line over and over again. "I don't do business that way, but that's fine." "I've had a lot of experience with this, but that's fine." "You are a huge idiot and I hate you and I think you're worthless and you're going to screw up this entire challenge... but that's fine."

With Net Worth off to a stellar start, we cut away for commercial and then returned to The Donald preaching about how leaders must earn respect. This ideal was personified by none other than Annika Sorenstam. Huh? Yeah, I don't get it either. As The Donald babbled from his golden throne, we watched footage of him hitting the links with Ms. Sorenstam. "Nice shot," he said in his signature drawl. Yes, Mr. Trump. She IS a professional.

Anyway, this non sequitur of a segment gave way to team Magna arriving at its motel for the first time. Under the aegis of project manager Michael, the college grads had a startlingly similar reaction to the motel as Net Worth had to theirs: "It so cute!!!" Okay, let's get one thing straight. Motels are not cute. Especially ones in Jersey. They can be retro, they can be cool, they can be quaint, but they are never cute. Unless it's like a puppy motel. In that case, they're just darling!

Of course, the enthusiasm came to a halt as everyone toured the premises. Funny how some roaches and water stains can really ruin a motel's cute level. Fashionista Erin immediately balked at her surroundings, especially when she found out about the mold in the bathroom. She suddenly let out a blood curdling scream of "MOLD!?!?!!" and then swooned into the arms of the nearest gentleman. I mean, mold is gross and everything, but what's the big deal? Then again, this is a woman who passes off bathroom accessories as fashion. Mold is to Erin what red wine is to a bride.

Elsewhere, a tense battle erupted between Joey Buttafuoco and Robin Quivers. Oh shit, that's just Michael and Verna. Honestly, what's up with the C-list dopplegangers? It's confusing me. Anyway, Michael wanted Verna to help renovate rooms. Verna wanted to focus on customer service. Yawn. In the end, Verna wound up painting walls with her purse bag strapped around her back. A little cumbersome, yes? Apparently she wanted to tote around her luggage as well, but Michael vetoed that. Wow, those crazy black Apprentice women!

Over at Net Worth, master logician Brian felt the need to uproot 18 perfectly fine toilets. Some might call the move "rash" or "idiotic" or "indicative of little intellectual fortitude", but Brian felt very comfortable with his decision. Never mind that the rooms still had no beds, at least the guests' poop would flush nicely. Meanwhile, at Target, the ladies shopped around for room accessories. Tana nearly had an orgasm when she found a dowdy bathroom rug on sale. Unlike Erin, however, she did not try to wear it.

Later that night, or actually, early the next morning - 3:15 AM - Brian and John had a heart to heart. John basically just wanted to say Hey, you're a total screw up. "Soften your tone." Brian then revealed that "Sometimes I say something I probably shouldn't." Oh really? Like what? "Get me 18 toilets"? Amazingly, no twinkling Vanessa Carleton piano chimed in to highlight Brian's plight as a loud speaker. I guess that's because this tender moment soon morphed into a macho fight, courtesy of Brian. "Donald Trump is exactly the same person as I am!" he insisted. So Trump's a complete idiot? I don't follow. John merely countered with "You're a silly little man," which was incredibly funny to me, only because I couldn't help but imagine John dressed like an extra from "Amadeus" when he said that.

The next morning, Brian finally realized that beds were uber important. Unfortunately, he kinda, sorta spent all his money on toilets and viking hats. Immediately sparks flew as Kristen berated her project manager for completely ignoring her warnings the day before. There was a whole lot of shouting, finger pointing, and bleeps. Tara (not to be confused with Tana) chimed in by saying the team betta recognize. Well, she had more to say than that, but I stopped listening after i heard "betta recognize".

Over at Magna, Carolyn stopped by to check out how things were going. She immediately pointed out the dangerous wiring, the drying paint, the lack of beds, and the general shabby appearance of the rooms. "I don't think they're gonna do very well," she said. No shit Sherlock. Why don't you try renovating a motel in 24 hours? George, meanwhile, chatted it up with Brian who babbled on about carpeting and how his team hates him. "You know, when I worked in a soda jerk..." started George. Oy vey. Maybe Brian should have spent less time with George, and more time distributing scissors because his team refused to take the new mattresses out of their plastic wrapping. Yes, they actually made the beds with plastic on the mattresses. These people are idiots.

Eventually the guests all rolled in. I don't know why anyone would agree to stay the night; so I'm just going to theorize that NBC paid them off. Danny had the inspired idea of creating a party-like environment at the motel. Soon enough, everyone was hanging out on the veranda, shooting the shit. The candidates all laughed and mingled with the guests, joking about how the paint's still drying in most of the rooms. Ah shabbiness: always a fan favorite. My favorite was one thickheaded customer who exclaimed "So that's why our room smells like paint!" No. It's because they used Benjamin Moore air freshener. You should smell their shellac and polyurethane odors! They come in scented candles!

Meanwhile, downstairs, a fat man cannonballed into the pool. Damn! This partay has officially started. Holla! Corona Lights in the fridge, fat people in the pool, and good times in the air. This can only mean one thing: Kokomo! Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya...

Not feeling festive though was Verna who paced nervously around the check in desk. Somebody's tiyad. And cranky. And borderline needing another swipe of deodorant. Over at Net Worth's check in, however, Tana was holding down the fort with her aggressively perky demeanor. She happily described the motel's amenities, which, unfortunately, did not include her breasts. Outside, Kristen and Brian began fighting again, but luckily Audrey came by to regulate. She and Angela hauled Kristen into a parked van where they beat her and later dumped her body near the Meadowlands. Actually, no, they did go to a van, but instead of inflicting bodily harm, Audrey and Angela endured Kristen as she kept rambling and rambling (sort of like my posts). A & A requested silence, for the love of God, silence. But Kristen just kept babbling. Please, be quiet. Be quiet. BE QUIET YOU STUPID BITCH. Kristen did a little "You can't talk to me that way," prompting Angela to yell back "Honey, shut the f-ck up! How about if I talk to you THAT way?" By the way, Angela may have an eerie predisposition for neck scarves, but wow. She's awesome now.

The next morning at Magna, two middle aged Jersey women who I'll name Doreen and Joyce DiAntonucci checked out. But where was the complimentary continental breakfast? Verrrrrrrrnaaaaaa! Well, don't ask her because she was D-O-N-E DONE. Yes, after a night of stress and intense pressure, Verna decided to call it quits. This meant ambling through the streets of Seaside Heights in a paint-fumes induced haze. Honestly, why did she rove around the town? Why not hail a cab? As she headed to the boardwalk, I feared she'd fall into a life of drugs and prostitution. I kind of wished Mark Burnett had switched to a gritty filter and a shaky cam during this sequence. Maybe even play Bruce Springsteen's "Streets of Philadelphia", except, you know, alter the lyrics to "Streets of Seaside Heights."

Back at the motel, Magna was a flutter with gossip. Erin and Alex — fresh from a quick cologne spritzing — took this impasse as a time to bash Verna's character. During an interview, Erin even revealed her new look. So long bath rug, hello shower curtain! Carolyn showed up, and upon hearing of a wounded soul traversing the Jersey shoreline, she hopped in her sensible vehicle and tracked down Verna. "I trailed her," Carolyn said. "She was wandering around aimlessly." Wow, Verna really descended quickly. By the time Carolyn found her, all of Verna's clothes were tattered and she'd contracted tuberculosis. Luckily, everyone likes a happy ending, and Verna was brought back from the edge. Yay! We love you Verna! Welcome back! You realize we're going to fire you the first chance we get, right?

Okay, so let's get this recap out of the motels already, right? When the challenge was done, everyone reconvened in the boardroom to hear the results. Ultimately Magna defeated Net Worth with a star rating of 3.96 to 2.92. Their reward? Dinner on Steve Forbes's yacht! The team erupted with joy and high fives. Awww shit. Steve Forbes. Oh, wait. Steve Forbes?? I thought you said 50 Cent. Man, this sucks.

At the reward, Bren stood in awe of the boat. "His [Forbes'] yacht is bigger than my house!" he exclaimed. To be fair, Bren lives in a mobile home. Steve-O eventually arrived, imparted advice, and handed out cigars. As Stephanie chomped on a stogie, we saw her dramatically age from 29 to 43. See for yourself:

Stephanie at 29

Stephanie at 43

Anyway, Forbe-fest continued with Kendra babbling on about how wonderful Steve Forbes was and how much he represents this and that and how classy he is and blah blah blah. Kendra then yelled "I LOVE YOU STEVE FORBES!" and flashed her titties. The segment ended with some faux-Enya playing as Forbes flew off in a helicopter. Wow, he is so godly. Behold the ethereal music as he ascends to the heavens. Rahhhhhh!!!!

Meanwhile, having a less Enya-worthy evening was Team Net Worth. The guys tried to give Brian some sort of strategy for the boardroom, but the discussion quickly devolved into John yelling "You f-cked up! You f-cked up!" Oh man. These street smarts kids. They're gonna be fun in the boardroom...

Sure enough, Net Worth did not disappoint. First Brian was a complete jackass. He tried to take full responsibility, even saying that he should be fired. Trump paused, then laughed — saying he'd never been put in this position before. Come on Brian. The Board Room can't be that short. The Donald managed to get the fireworks going though as a few provocative questions made Brian's cheeks grow red with Napoleonic fury. Angela, meanwhile, sat to the side and served as a mute Greek chorus as her head nodded and shook with each opinion she agreed with.

Brian, meanwhile, began cursing up a storm, somehow using the logic that since this was the first time he'd cursed, he therefore was somehow an effective leader? I don't know. A tarted-up Carolyn was not amused though as she leveled him with the icy "I would suggest you don't do it in this board room."

Brian continued to dig a hole for himself, but for some unknown reason, some angry dude named Chris piped up and started blowing hot air about something. Huh? Who IS this guy? Where did he come from? Surprisingly enough, the one time Angela stopped nodding her head was to recommend that Chris be fired. Huh? What is going ON? Next thing you know, Tana's going to accuse Tara of murder. Thankfully The Donald was there to keep it real. "This team is a total disaster," he said. It's my new favorite tag line.

With his gumption back, as Trump said, Brian suddenly challenged the room by asking "Does a leader give up?" He then added "Are you not entertained???" Of course Trump reminded the little guy that he had in fact given up right in the first few seconds of the board room. Oh yeah. Um... Good point.

So the inevitable happened. Trump fired Brian before he could even return to the Board Room with two other people. Afterwards, Carolyn said Brian was a "waste of time." Trump concurred, saying he had a complete "lack of judgment." They then toasted champagne flutes and laughed "Idiot..." In the cab, Brian had a few words to say and then mostly stared out the window silently. Hmm... This is incredibly awkward. Uh, can we speed up these credits? Please?

Man this episode was long. What did you think?

You Have the Right to Remain Famous

Everyone's favorite incomprehensible American Idol star, Leroy "200500000207" Wells, was arrested on January 5 for allegedly shooting a 39-year-old man following an argument. EOnline reports that Mr. Wells actually caught his national television debut (assuming COPS didn't get to him first) from the jailhouse, where he and the other prisoners no doubt revelled in his "effervescent" personality, and shouted unintelligible gibberish in his direction. This is Leroy's eighth arrest. No word yet on whether "Hoofing" is against the law in the South.

So is Wells this year's William Hung plus some desperately needed street cred? One can't say as of yet, although a quick Google search reveals that fan sites are already starting to pop up hither and tither. My balls are still in Hung's court: I'll take a retarded person over a criminal any day of the week. Although putting the two of them into a Fox Celebrity Boxing ring might be the most genius thing ever.

Everything In Its Right Place (Or Not)

I don't know why, but it just seems that The OC has lost a lot of its original vibe. I have gone on and on about many of the problems with the show, and this episode started us off with some of the reason. As we open, we get a shot of Ryan, Seth, and Zach, who I affectionately call "the last three people on the show I want to see in a scene together". Quite honestly, Seth has spent his whole life being confused by girls and handling rejection. Other than four or five months when he was happy with Summer and the short amount of time that Anna decided to stick around, he has pretty much been a huge loser his entire life. There is no doubt in my mind that he would go back to being an isolated comic book collector without missing a beat. When the guys sat down for breakfast and were joined by Summer and Lindsay, I couldn't help but think that Seth would be a whole lot more believable as a fifth wheel as compared to a ladies man. But for now, let's pretend we actually give a shit one way or another.

Where is Marissa when all of this is happening? Drunk at home, of course! Her mom is out of town, doing research for the new magazine. Personally, I think that Julie wanted an excuse to get out of Newport and get her another little piece of Jimmy Cooper, but her absence means Marissa has free reign over the house. She's dancing around in her camisole (it looks like Mischa might have decided to eat something in the last couple of months, because she actually had some shape in her boobs), having a screwdriver and playing her music as loud as she wants to. Things are going fine, except that Caleb has decided he wants to, you know, act like a father. He knocks on her door, and then walks in when there is no answer.

Although she has spent most of the summer walking around in a bikini that is far more skimpy than her nightshirt, Marissa suddenly gains some modesty when Caleb walks in. He tells her she has to go to school, but she says she is sick, i.e. she is just skipping shcool. Thank God somebody in this town is doing normal teenage activities, right? Caleb doesn't make a fuss and we soon learn why Marissa was so preoccupied. She calls Alex, and it turns out that they have been "hanging out all week". I guess that makes sense. After all, she did spend a drunken evening in her living room sharing suggestive looks. Maybe I need a little more feminine insight, but what exactly did Alex and Marissa find in common that they would hang out every day of the week. I just don't see Alex getting excited about her next pedicure. Whatever, we all know they just sit around and get drunk together. It's really the only thing Marissa is any good at.

The rest of our teenagers are back at Harbor, discussing various topics. Lindsay is complaining to Ryan how her relationship with Caleb is going. It's not going well because, well, she doesn't speak with him. This girl obviously hasn't been around Newport for very long. If she wanted to get to know him, why doesn't she just go to his office and barge in. Caleb's a dick, but he's not going to have his own daughter arrested.

In the cafeteria, Summer and Zach are grabbing a cup of coffee when Summer notices that it looks like Seth is not enjoying himself. Again, I say he is becoming reacquainted with his inner dork. Summer needs to know what is going on, so she sends Zach over to investigate, which turns out to be one of the dumbest things she has ever done in her life. In the process of trying to help Seth through his difficult time, Zach gets lured in by the process of something that will serve a higher power. We call that higher power Seth's plan at an original comic book. Oh comics! The perfect excuse to ignore the hottest girl in school! Good thing there aren't any cooler people around in this school that would snatch her up as soon as she is neglected.

Have you ever noticed how you can't get a handle on what is going on during the school day for these people? They seem to come and go as they please. Case in point we have Ryan Atwood, who apparently took his lunch break to see Caleb Nichol at the Newport Group offices and pull out some of that excellent sanctimonious attitude we have all been trained to vomit as we hear it coming on. Seriously, what was the point of this interaction? We know Ryan hates Caleb and Caleb shares that same sentiment. We know they are going to clash over Lindsay, so you don't have to spend more than thirty seconds establishing that fact. And what kind of lunch break does this guy get that he can travel around Newport bothering executives. And finally, what kind of jerk is he that he visits the Newport Group and doesn't say "Hey!" to Kirsten when he has the chance? Chances are she is having some issues with her husband, and Ryan's power knows no bounds. He was able to guilt her out of her own closet, he might even get her to stop drinking.

We also learned that Kirsten is going to get yet another reason to start drinking. Sandy is sick of the unemployed life, so he decides that he is going to try and start his own law practice. Kirsten wants him to get a nice and respectable office in a high rise, but cool Sandy just can't make his wife's life easy. He decides to buy a seaside fixer upper, just perfect if you want to surf in between seeing clients. But that is not what's going to make Kirsten a lush. While he is enjoying the tour of his office, Sandy gets a phone call from his favorite law professor and mentor. He's in trouble, and needs help. He's been accused of sexual harassment. Not really, but the five other people who watch Kevin Hill will find that line funny.

Sandy learns a little later that his professor, Max, has suffered from a few strokes and doesn't have long to live. He needs Sandy's help in finding his daughter, Rebecca. It turns out that Rebecca was Sandy's dream girl in college. She was beautiful, Jewish, and an activist. Things were going great until a man died when she was sticking it to the man and his evil nuclear power plants. She ran off to Canada, and nobody has heard from her since. It is up to Sandy to once again bring a family in need together. Lots of things must have been going through his head, such as "Oh, remember when my mom came and told us she had inoperable cancer last year? I wonder how that turned out?"

While Sandy was contemplating the ramifications of starting this search for his old flame, we have another scene with the three guys. They are all busy coming up with ideas for Seth's new comic book. Summer comes in hoping to take Zach away and well, I am not sure what she is planning to do, but something has to be done. Zach, who obviously knows a good thing when he sees it, declines Summer and decides that he is going to continue with the comic book brainstorm.

Let's just all step back and take a time out from this. The writers have waded us through some pretty unimaginable shit, but this Zach and Summer thing is just too pathetic. It really points to another problem with the show. ALL OF THE HIGH SCHOOL KIDS ARE LOSERS. Where are the popular kids? I know that Summer and Marissa were supposedly banished from the cool clique when they decided to date Ryan and Seth last year, but things change. People can become popular again. Does anybody tune into this show because they want to know what a bunch of high school rejects are doing in their spare time? The OC has gone from being the 90210 of the new century to being a less funny version of Freaks and Geeks that also has the habit of being unbelievably self important.

Also, for the love of God, there is no way in hell that you have a girl as hot as Summer in high school and don't try to at least cop a feel. Why in the hell doesn't Zach have a sex drive? Even if we are to believe the innuendo that Zach is struggling with his own sexual identity (the sensitive water polo players to start), he would have at least made his way to second or third base so people wouldn't start rumors. What's the worst that can happen, a little stinky finger never hurt anyone? If nothing else, he could simply lay back, get a blow job, close his eyes, and pretend it was Seth, since he seems more interested in what's going on in the comic book life anyway. And to think Zach actually punched Seth for getting in his way with Summer not two months ago. Just tap that shit Zach, and help me hold onto my sanity.

Later in the day, Lindsay meets up with Ryan and they start to discuss Caleb. As was expected, Ryan's meeting with Caleb was a disaster, but he doesn't tell Lindsay that the exchange ever happened. It turns out that Lindsay is having second thoughts about meeting Caleb because she "A9.com'ed him and the OC Weekly said, yada, yada, yada". Now I have to say that I am happy that we have gone through almost half of an episode and we haven't seen the inside of the Bait Shop, so there has been no lame band placement (that is if you don't count the band that always happens to be playing in the background of every scene), but this was one of the most obvious cases of product placement I have ever seen. A9.com is Amazon's web search engine, and while everybody else on the planet would have said that they "Googled" somebody, somebody thought it would have been worth something to plug A9 during the show. Instead, it just reinforced how lame these characters have become.

Anyway, right after she had given up on her father, Lindsay gets a call from Caleb. It turns out that he had just finished speaking with Kirsten, who convinced him that he should make first contact. They make dinner plans, and in the interest of brevity, I will just say now that Ryan joins them. To nobody's surprise, Caleb goes off the rails because he is there, decides that Lindsay is a gold digger and leaves the restaurant, ruining everybody's dinner. Ryan and Caleb still hate each other. Wow. Thanks for wasting 10 minutes of the show explaining that to us, because we never would have picked up on it otherwise.

Sandy knows that Kirsten is not entirely happy with his search to find Rebecca, but he drives to Santa Barabara to see an inmate that was involved in the crime that sent Rebecca to flee to Canada. Apparently this guy has spent 22 years in prison for a manslaughter charge, which seems kind of strange to me. It's not that I don't think people should serve their sentences, but this is California. There are murderers who get paroled after only fifteen years, you would think this guy would have been released by that time. And surely he would have had some ACLU lawyer doing some appeals? Well, not only has this guy been incarcerated for a long time, but it turns out that he with Sandy for Rebecca's affections. What's worse, he says that he won't be able to help Sandy find her because she is dead. When Sandy gets home, Kirsten pretends that she is unhappy to hear that Rebecca died. The truth is that she is still intimidated by her, even after all her years of marriage. Sandy decides he can't believe the inmate and makes some calls to Vancouver. Kirsten, seeing she can't win this argument, starts to drink again.

During Marissa and Alex's time together, Alex learned that her ex had taken something of hers. She didn't really want to get it back, but Marissa convinced her that they should take a road trip to Los Angeles. On their way there, we finally learn the reason for that awful tattoo Alex wears - alcohol. More importantly, Alex tells us about her emancipation. You know, the way you make yourself independent from your parents authority before you are 18. It seems to interest Marissa, but in order to be emancipated, both parents must sign, and since Jimmy is still in Hawaii, it's going to take a while.

By the time the two get to LA it's dark, and I start to wonder. Sandy made it to and from Santa Barbara in just one day, which would easily take more than twice as long as a trip to LA and back. We were led to believe that they left right before Caleb was going to work, so even if they stopped for gas in Arcadia, they should have made it back to LA before noon.

They get to the apartment of Alex's ex, and although I was expecting them to get ready for a trip to the Cat's Meow, it turned out to be much less scandalous. Alex picked up her fat jeans, some shirts, some underwear, but had no idea where her necklace was. Luckily for her, Marissa is an expert shoplifter, and found the two necklaces when she was pretending to use the bathroom. Alex still couldn't get away from her ex, so Marissa then said "let go of my girlfriend", finally confirming the story we broke to you so long ago (wait for the press release from washingtonsocialites.com any day now if you aren't a true believer). I can officially dust off all of those muff diving and carpet munching jokes that I overheard in high school when people were talking about the girls' volleyball coach.

While it took the girls eight hours to get to LA, they raced back home in much less time. And to top it off, they had time for Marissa to get a tattoo. It also served as a nice gratuitous shot Mischa Barton in her bra. I never thought I would say this, but if she works at it, she might actually have some hips in a few years. Her elbows and shoulder blades aren't even that scary anymore. And just when you thought things couldn't get more awkward, Caleb walks in and notices his step-daughter has a tattoo, and that strange girl from the Bait Shop is inspecting it perhaps a little too closely. The first couple of times he walked in on her, he at least knocked, I am not sure what he was doing barging in like that. But whatever. He tries to put an end to it, but the two girls leave long before he exerts any authority upon them.

If you can believe it, Zach not only bailed on Summer at school, but he was late picking her up for dinner. He was with Seth, and they were working on sketches. Summer looks intently at all the characters and wonders why she isn't one of them. We all know that Seth spent much of his time in Portland fantasizing about her in various states of super heroine dress, but she has no clue, and he is determined to keep it that way. Seth "hides" the Summer sketchbook, but I have to wonder exactly how effective he thought it was going to be. First, whatever threat we have had of Zach doing any harm upon Seth for liking Summer has long since passed. Plus, his expert hiding place was under his bed. No, not under his mattress where any self-respecting smut hoarder keeps his stash, but under his bed. Therefore, it's not much surprise when Summer finds the book, and then takes it back home to look at it.

The OC gets some things right, and the scene where Summer looks longingly at the sketches of her is one of them. If you are one of the people who can't stand life without Seth and Summer happy and together, watching her flip through and not only remember what Seth meant to her, but also realize how much he was thinking about her when they were apart, must have been great news. Indeed, Summer returns to Seth's room, tells him she likes the drawings, and you can just tell that the Zach experiment may just be over.

With that, the OC had just one scene left. Marissa and Alex return to her house, laughing and out of breath. They talk about the look on Caleb's face, and then what the look on Julie's face will be and then share their first kiss, and it's surprisingly much more intimate and heartfelt than you thought the whole Marissa becomes a lesbian thing could be.

Alright, who the hell am I kidding? The writers would never be that sensible. Instead we get the alternate ending, which involves Sandy trying to find a way to tell Max that his daughter is dead. They meet at Sandy's law office and just as he is about to tell Max the bad news, Max gives Sandy a little surprise. That's right, Rebecca has made it Newport. It turns out we spent all of that time in suspense for a fade out from a fat Kim Delaney. But what are you to expect, these are the same guys who thought Oliver was a good choice as well.

So, all of you perverts are going to have to wait at least another week to see the girl on girl action. Some people may say they don't like Alex, but I have no problem with her. Alex and Marissa are much more interesting than Zach and Summer, or Marissa and DJ ever were. Knowing the great sense of pace that the writers possess, it will probably last three episodes before it fizzles out, somebody dies, or Marissa gets drunk and sleeps with her stepfather. What the hell has this show come to?

"Hey!" Count: Episode - 10, Season Total - 117

Attack of the Drama Queens

Remember last week on The Real World when Sarah tried to hump three kids? And remember how they all ran away? And remember how it was super funny and pathetic all at once? And remember how it completely overshadowed Shavonda's stupid kissing under the covers? WELL. No one overshadows homegirl, as evidenced by this week's mountain-of-a-molehill episode. Shavonda was back and so were all her petty issues: would she take her top off? Would she jump in the ocean? Would she jump in the river? Would she douche in the morning? Would she have a side salad or fries? Such are the weighty decisions in her life, and dammit if you try to ignore them. This is Shavonda's Fiji, and you're just living in it!

It's easy to break down this week's episode into a series of Shavonda dramas. So let's get to it!

Drama #1
Scenario: All the kiddos are on some STA Travel adventure (remind me to mention STA's lame ass Real World sweepstakes later). The group heads to a watery alcove where MJ comments that it feels like he's in the amazon. Unfortunately no anaconda is present to drag MJ down to a watery death. In reverence to the natural beauty of their location, the roomies bust out some inner tubes and glide along the water to a little diving area where Greg Lougainis activies occur. No, MJ and Landon don't consummate their burgeoning love for each other. Instead, everyone jumps off the ledge and takes the eight foot plunge into the waters below. Well, everyone except Shavonda who takes a cue from Coral and notes how petrified she is of the water. Everyone must stop what they're doing and watch as Landon jumps with Shavonda into the river below. All eyes on Shavonda. Success.

Later, Mel comments that "Landon and Shavonda have caught the romantic bug that's been going around." Yes, Landon and Shavonda have the love bug, which, unfortunately, is simply a euphemism for scabies. Doctors later conclude that Landon's curly rooster nest of hair is physically impossible to delouse. Landon stabs the doctor in a drunken rage.

Drama #2
The roomies head out for another wacky STA adventure. This time they embark on an afternoon of "sand diving." We initially don't know what that means, but it's safe to say that scabies will be involved. Turns out that sand diving involves taking a boogie-board type apparatus and sliding down a sandy slope. Sarah, carrying extra ballast in her bulging titties, hits the slope with astonishing velocity, causing her to nearly wipeout at the bottom. She takes in a mouthful of sand and later brags that she gave the hill a blowjob.

Later the group reconvenes on the beach to tan and look pretty. Landon expresses concern that his ass might be too lilly white. Everyone quietly wonders why he cares about his naked ass's appearance. MJ salivates. Somehow this discussion turns into Landon pressuring Shavonda to take off her top. Remarkably, Shavonda seizes the opportunity to create a drama. I'm just not ready! I don't think I can do it! Viewers scratch their heads and wonder if this is going to be Shavonda's "journey": whether or not to show us her boobies.

Drama #3:
Cockteases are inherently drama queens. It's all about the chase. Enter Shavonda. During a late night game of Truth or Dare, Shavonda French kisses Sarah. Moments later, she makes out with Landon for thirty seconds. Karamo, meanwhile is absolutely disgusted. The next morning he insists that Shavonda should pay attention to her culture. You know, like the way Karamo embraces gay culture. Oh wait...

Later that afternoon, the cast heads out into the ocean and goes swimming. San Diego's Jacquese scratches his head as he wonders why Karamo's life preserver isn't given the twinkle twinkle you're a baby treatment. Shavonda seizes the opportunity to make a drama again by playing scared of the ocean. BUT, she tells us, since everyone's doing it, she'll be a trooper. Wow, she's so wonderful. She put aside all her petty issues so that everyone else can have a good time. Why can't there be more selfless people like Shavonda out there? Shavonda dives into the crystal clear water (Hello, STA Travel? I'd like to book my tickets to Fiji now) and amazingly manages to not drown. Sadly, not even a wayward Portugese Man O War is around to sting her. Where's nature when you need it?

Drama #4:

Mid boat ride, a thunderstorm descends upon the island. The clan heads back to dry land where Shavonda suddenly realizes that with all of God's thunder and lightening, he's completely stolen the spotlight. She therefore follows Landon into his room and proceeds to make out with him. On the soundtrack, an annoying singer screeches "Summer!" over and over again. Later, Shavonda announces that she and Landon did something, but she'll let him say what it was. The next morning, the roommates pounce on the lovebirds, asking for all the juicy details. Oh please Shavonda, tell us! Tell us! We're begging for your story! We're lavishing you with attention!

But wait! Karamo has a card up his sleeve. This episode is his to steal!

Cut to the next evening. The kids are all getting ready for a semi-formal dinner. Landon watches Shavonda dress and comments that he hasn't seen a girl get ready in so long. Uh, Landon? Have you ever been to your communal bathroom in Philly?

Nevertheless, the crew gets together to wine and dine one last time in Fiji. Karamo reveals to MJ that he's angry at Shavonda. Why? Because she's dating outside her race? WHAT?? NO! How could you assume Karamo would say that? He's NOT the angry black male. No no. He's mad because... uh... because... she already has a boyfriend! Yes! That's it! She's being unfaithful. Cross arms, raise chin, smile proudly.

Meanwhile, at the Jenny Jones portion of the evening, the roommates all discuss who they would have sex with if the world was ending and they had to start a new race or... I don't know. It was all very inane. Anyway, Sarah takes a page from Whitney Houston's "Greatest Love Of All" and says that she'd want to have a baby with Karamo or Willie because "If I were to start a new world, I would want it to be bi-racial." Unfortunately, she gives birth to two gay boys and dooms humanity forever. Not that it matters. If she gave birth to a boy and a girl, humans would be in for some badass incestuous birth defects.

Knowing that the time is right to steal the show from Shavonda, Karamo takes a stab at some clunky PA. He explains that if the seven roommates were the last people on Earth, "I'd want to be a hunter and slit Landon's throat." Somewhere, music stops with the sound of a record scratch. Karamo then goes for a feeble save: "Because he's the only other alpha male." Mel shakes her head at Karamo's weak attempt at passive aggression. "Soon, my grasshopper," she says.

The next morning, Karamo goes off and eats breakfast alone. MJ comments that he just likes to ruin the mood, kind of like Debbie Downer. Karamo then shows up to announce that feline AIDs is the leading killer of domestic cats. Everyone feels awkward as the show comes to an end. It was a valiant attempt by Shavonda to take over the show, but in the end, Karamo's passive aggressive homicide humor took the rug out from under her.

It's been fun, Fiji. Smell ya later!

American Idol: New Orleans, Same Old Garbage

OK. I have to get this off my chest. Ryan Seacrest is really starting to grow on me. God, that feels better. Sadly, he is not starting to grow, which would definitely help our chances of making it together, and our children getting paid more in adulthood.

But I digress. My new little man greets us from New Orleans, home to Bourbon St., the French Quarter, and the most uncanny smell of dried, day old vomit. Oh, and Snoop Dogg and titties.

This week’s guest judge is Gene Simmons from Kiss, a man who looks remarkably similar to my local shawarma dealer, Mukhtar. I never thought I’d say this, but I really miss the days when Mark McGrath guest judged. At least he was alright to look at.

First up on the chopping block is David Brown, who tells us that singing is where his heart is. For me, it’s always been on top of a dog house. David really gives Randy a run for his money in the “Who has the smoothest, richest, most beautiful chocolately skin?” contest. He lays the track down, singing a gospel tune with everything he’s got. Randy says it’s the best he’s heard. Simon gives him a “100% yes”. Gene Simmons, who has only been on screen for 10 seconds and is already making my skin crawl, tells David he’s going to Hollywood, the same way a child molester would encourage you to get in his van.

We see a little sketch where Seacrest is signing an autograph for a young boy. The boy gets the paper and says “Ryan Seacrest? I thought you were Clay Aiken!” And now that they mention it, I see the resemblance!

The next singer up is Bobby Barfoot, an overweight, afro-ed femme-guy in a rhinestoned button down shirt. Seacrest claims that Bobby is wearing one of his shirts, again making fun of himself, and therefore jumping up a couple of notches on my speeddial.

Bobby is literally a huge fan of American Idol, so much so that he even collects playing cards of all of the past contestants, keeping them organized in a binder. This really brings me back to my youth, when I had a minor obsession with Garbage Pail Kids cards, and would organize my Kitty Litters and Graffiti Peteys organized in the same manner. Then again, I was only 7.

Bobby's method for facing worldwide rejection is unique, as he decides to yodel. Simon pegs him (zing!) by being a cross between a rodeo singer and La Cage Aux Folles. Paula’s circuit boards start hissing and smoking, and she throws an unnecessary fit due to Simon’s attitude. She gives Bobby my favorite criticism by tell him that he needs to change his image. Code for: You’re ugly.

Simon and Paula continue arguing about Bobby’s chops, when they decide to send him behind the screen and sing, so that they can hear him without actually having to look at him. They may as well have pulled out a brown paper grocery bag full of dog dookie and ordered him to put it on his head. He sings, and the panel mocks him. Short story long, byebye Bobby.

Hey everyone! Buckle up! Cause here’s a guy who wants to shake things up at the auditions by being (gulp) weird! Daron Beck is trying to look like Robert Smith from The Cure. Only, something tells me Daron’s band would be called “The Disease.” (Rimshot!) Soulpatch and Vidal Sasson bob aside, Daron wants to be “different” and create music that’s not “disposable.” Daron starts off with one of my ALL-TIME FAVORITE SONGS called “Delilah” by Tom Jones (pausing to throw bra at screen) and -- wait! What is he doing?! He is butchering my favorite song! Download the original if you don’t believe me, along with everything else Tom Jones has ever put out. And trust me, he puts out.

Daron is just all together weird, voice, image, everything. Then -- wait! He breaks out into “I Put A Spell On You”, another top choice for me, and manages to sound like Kathleen Turner getting a colonoscopy. He also contorts his mouth in this altogether horrendous way that brings to mind Robert DeNiro in Awakenings. Daron might as well have waltzed into this room humming the theme to Schindler’s List and pissing on my picture. He has ruined everything sacred to me. Simon tells him he should be wearing ladies underwear and red lipstick and singing in a cabaret somewhere, and it is clear that Simon is realllly into the idea. Daron is out.

Lindsey Cardinale has a nice, crisp voice and impresses the judges. She’s pretty good, although her demeanor makes me want to take a midday nap. It’s way too “collected” (read: drugged). She’s in.

Robert Solomon is a total plant. A white t-shirt, coat-hanger shoulders, and high-water pants, he’s a film projectionist. Either he’s an actor being paid by Fox (something I really believe they do), or is just some kinda moron out for a good time. He’s completely terrible, but I like him. The judges don’t bother rejecting him, they just say “Thanks”, and he gets the idea and leaves.

Montage: Some guy who sings with one finger firmly planted in his belly button, a fat guy who has to breathe mid-word, and a guy singing jingle bells with a pretty convincing horse-clomping noise.

Husband material alert, ladies! Sundeep Achreja is a “10 foot-tall” Indian accountant who looks like Ross from a Bollywood version of “Friends.” All buttoned up in his accountant suit, he lamely punches the air in a pre-auddy warm-up. The man can really wear a suit, not to mention cold-sweat like a champ. And if he just did this for laughs, I could almost see myself falling in love with him. Someone needs to loosen this MF up! He sings “Eye of the Tiger”, is incredibly nervous, and obviously sucks. But he manages to still punch the air during his audition. Aww. Sundeep is cute, and seems genuinely hurt. Let me know if you need a bosom to cry on, Big S.

Michael Liuzza is a serious fatty, but has a handsome face. His parents met as musicians in New Orleans, and the show forces us to sit through the entire story of how they met. His father talks like Chewbacca in slow motion. It’s a painful, overly long segment.

Michael has a great personality, but part of me doesn’t trust it, like he’s going to sell me a broken used car or something. He sings a Louis Armstrong song SO weirdly. The first note would be nasal and still, and then he would end it in this hyper-vibratto that I find off-putting. He sounds like every shitty a capella singer I went to college with. This guy doesn’t have a chance in hell making it to the Top 12, so why are we wasting time on him? Gene compares him to Rosemary Clooney (exactly the sound AI is looking for, obvs). Paula throws out the “image” word again, i.e., “stop eating”, and he makes it to Hollywood. Cut to the camera following him out of the room, where he sceams his face off, waving his yellow sheet around and running into oncoming traffic, a la Martha Dumptruck in Heathers.

Now, a little segment the producers have entitled “The Incomprehensibles”, showcasing three singers who botch the lyrics up so badly that they need subtitles. And wouldn’t you know it! They’re all minorities! Way to go, Rupert Murdoch, you’ve done it again good sir.

First, an bald Indian guy who basically sings with an accent. Fuck you, American dream! Then, an Asian girl who reads the lyrics to the National Anthem with an thick accent, but of course, the subtitles rearrange everything so that she seems so… Chinese! They might as well have written “Me Likey Chop Suey, Use Pearl Cream, Look like Baby” underneath for added effect, and hit a gong when she finished.

Then, by far the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. Leroy Wells. The man is noodle thin, kin and bones, and basically acts like a stereotype in a minstrel show. I’m sorry, but he does. The guy is just embarrassing and crazy, and (imagine) gets a whole segment devoted to him. About 10 whole minutes, to be exact. To his credit, he sings ODB’s “Baby I Got Your Money”, a personal favorite, while stomping his feet about and clapping. The judges interview him, and you can’t understand a single word the guy says. He looks like the Devil’s marionette. His arms and legs won’t stop flailing. And sounds come out of his mouth, but it is not any kind of language. I feel seasick. The good news is, the judges needed a little energy boost, and of course they eff around with him here and there. There is something so seriously wrong with him, that I just really don’t enjoy this segment at all. And it just goes oooon and oooon. Also, Gene Simmons? Really not a fan of his either.

Jeff Johnson is a hot minister. The day I see a buff-ass cantor audition for this show, I can die a happy woman. They show Jeff praying with some others in a circle. He sings In the Still of the Night (that sound was the gunshot going through my head. Even Jesus knows this is a poor song choice.) But, gosh gollie, this guy is just so cute! And he must be doing something right, cause he makes it. Oh, and I think Simon’s thing “moved.”

The camera follows David Brown, our first auditioner, to his church where he announces the good news to his congregation. They stand up and cheer for him, and he weeps. The boy just has a good soul, and it really comes through over television. Please, learn to love David Brown. It feels good, and it feels right.

Next up, twins! Sadly, not Arnold Schwartz and Danny D. Instead, we see Lamar and Jamar Jefferson enter wearing matching do-rags, and Eddie Murphy-esque driving gloves, singing a song that I’m going to go out on a limb and say is called “I’ve Got Nothing But Love For You, Bay-bay”, as those were the only lyrics. They have a good thing going on, and really put a lot of heart into it. The judges show nothing but love to these bay-bay’s, and they’re in.

J.P. and Richard Molfetta are also identical twins only whiter… and dorkier… and gay-seeming. For those Amazing Race fans out there, remember wife-abuser and botox-enthusiast Jonathan? Well, double his look, and you’ve got the Molfetta twins. These guys are just fay. And they’re singing “I’ll Make Love to You”… to each other! Boyz II Men indeed.

Then Simon does something stupid and crazy. At first, the judges face a split decision, Randy and Paula giving the go ahead, and Simon and Gene saying no. This whole debate arises over whether they would be considered good enough individually, minus the harmonies. Simon then divides the boys up, and has the judges reevaluate them. Paula changes her mind on the first guy (J.P.? Rich? Sigh. Who cares.). 3 no’s, Randy’s yes, and he’s out. For the other twin, Randy and Paula approve, and Simon still says no. Well, what was the point of that! Simon basically wastes everyone’s time. It was childish and stupid, and Paula accuses him of doing that “just for the sport of it.” Randy and Paula decide enough is enough, and in a kind of showy, fake way, they simply get up and leave (coinciding with page 34 of their script that day). The guys are super pissed, and curse their way out of the building. Only 16 people made it through from N’Orleans, including one guy who looked like a serious outtake, so who knows.

Luckily, on tomorrow night’s episode, a single Malfetta twin auditions again in Vegas, butching it up in a mandarin collared jacket. Oh, and Kenny Loggins guest judges. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go regale my roommates with my Gilbert and Sullivan interpretation of “Highway to the Danger Zone.”

From the Plagiarism Department

As many of you know, over two weeks ago, TVgasm broke the news that Bachelorette contestant Fabrice is actually gay. Since then, various news organizations such as E! Online, The New York Daily News, and the Chicago Sun-Times have all run the story. They even gave us credit for breaking the news.

Then interesting things started happening. First, someone told me that the National Enquirer was claiming the scoop as their own, which is odd since their article was published long after the news hit the stands... and because they called us asking "Is this really true?". But whatever. It's the Enquirer. Can't expect much from them.

But then today our friends at Reality Blurred forwarded us a press release that's gone out over PR Web. Turns out a website, WashingtonSocialites.com not only claims to have broken the news about Fabrice but even had the audacity to send out a press release about their scoop.

Hmmm... Things smell fishy in the blogosphere...

So here's the deal. WashingtonSocialites.com is run by Kelly Ann Collins, a former journalist for USA Today and The Associated Press. To her credit, she has pulled up a lot of dirt on Fabrice. Most of it is harmless: "Fabrice was in a play!", "Fabrice went to school here!", "Fabrice exists!" That type of stuff. Now honestly, we don't really care about that. Everyone's allowed to pull up their own dirt. And once again to Kelly Ann's credit, she did write that "All of these sexual-orientation questions started popping up when the TVgasm.com posted an email from a reader who claimed he had crossed paths with Fabrice before, and that the reality contestant was an actor."

So what's the problem? Well, even though she gave us props in the nether regions of her blog, Kelly Ann actually sent out a press release which states "After investigation, Washington Socialites has taken the stance that Le Parc is gay. The site has released a gallery with screenshots of Le Parc’s profiles on different homosexual-oriented websites, his Friendster profile, and quotes from another man that says he, too, dated Le Parc." Now some of you semantics sticklers might be saying "Big deal. It's just a press release saying that WashingtonSocialites.com simply agrees with the theory." But is it? The headline of the release is "Bachelorette Contestant Fabrice Revealed As Gay Actor" and the deck reads "Blog reveals hidden identity of reality TV show participant." Hmmm... sounds like someone's taking a little credit.

Okay, still not blatant enough for you? Well, let's check out this nifty line from the release: "In addition to the controversy regarding Le Parc's profession, there is debate swirling the Web about his sexual-orientation. These questions were first raised after a blog reader emailed editors claiming he had dated Le Parc in the past." Oh no she di'int! What happened to "All of these sexual-orientation questions started popping up when the TVgasm.com posted an email from a reader who claimed he had crossed paths with Fabrice before, and that the reality contestant was an actor." I guess Kelly Ann forgot to consult her own blog before sending out the press release. Makes you wonder why she's no longer gainfully employed by USA Today and The AP.

In other news, WashingtonSocialites.com has been nominated for a 2005 Webby. Why? I don't know. But I'm sure they'll be sending out a press release announcing their win, even if they lose.

UPDATE: According to WashingtonSocialites.com, they've been nominated for a 2005 Webby. According to WebbyAwards.com, the nominations haven't even come out yet. That's odd. So how could WashingtonSocialites.com be so sure of their as yet unannounced nomination? Well, turns out that the Webbies charge $195 for self-nomination. Yes, you get nominated by PAYING them. Kudos to WashingtonSocialites for the nod!

The Runs

So the big question of this week was "Can The Amazing Race still be entertaining without Jonathan and Victoria?" I think the overwhelming answer to that is yes. Yes it can. Is it actually more entertaining with them gone? Well, it's hard to say. To be honest, I vaguely wanted to see them maneuver an elephant or climb a palm tree, but I tend to think we were better off having put them to pasture in the reality graveyard. Of course, without the terrible twosome on the race, we now had to change our outlook from rooting against a team to rooting for a team. Easier said than done. Every season I seem to face a reality TV version of Sophie's Choice as I try to weigh which team I could possibly spare at the end of each episode. This time around, however, I've only formed fleeting attachments to the racers, with most of my favorites already junked in the loser bin. I guess there's always Kris and Jon, the peppiest couple since Jon Vito and Jill, but considering that last night's episode presented us with the final five teams, I found myself alarmingly apathetic about which duo might be eliminated. That's okay though. As long Lori and Bolo are around, I'll be happy...

The show began on a grim note as Phil told us that this episode was filmed in Sri Lanka months before the deadly tsunamis. Therefore, the next hour was dedicated to the victims of the disaster and their families. Hmmm... can't be snarky about that. Luckily, Amazing Race remembered it was a reality show and quickly cut to footage of Jonathan and Victoria freaking out at the mud huts last week. Phew. I thought we were gonna get all serious and tsunami-telethon-ish for a moment.

After the credits rolled, we began the race in earnest with Phil asking his usual provocative questions. This time he was curious to know if Adam and Rebecca will be able to mend or will their fiery relationship cause them to lose. As Rebecca would say, "So many questions..." Anyway, teams learned they had to head to Lalibella airport and take a charter plane back to Addis Ababa where they'd find they're next clue. Bolo once again proved that he was not, in fact, hooked on phonics as he pronounced "Lalibella" like "Labia" and "Addis" like "Adidas." He then turned to Lori and said "Okay, so we're looking for a giant vagina and a sneaker shop. Let's go!"

Fresh off proclaiming how Ethiopia has a cute and special poverty, Kendra began this leg of the race with that trademark of Third World ailments: nausea. Gone were her precious memories of the local village children as she seethed, "It was the Ethiopian food!" I half expected to see her in some old courtroom drama where a prosecutor asks "Would you please tell the court who upset your stomach?" and then Kendra points to a pile of Ethiopian food and yells "It was he! It was he!" Nevertheless, Kendra found a shabby little bathroom in the Labia Airport — I mean Lalibella (damn you, Bolo!) — and puked her heart out. Amazingly, Freddy did not chime in to say "You'd be surprised at how good that stuff tastes."

In Addis Ababa, teams had to make their way over to a stadium where they would run a 4 x 4 relay race with some locals for the next clue. Bolo and Lori arrived first at the track and immediately took flight. Now if there's anything funnier than watching Bolo trying to pronounce things, it's watching Bolo running. The man is like a giant windup toy - limbs flailing, legs chugging, but still not going very fast. What Bolo lacks in speed though, he makes up for in motivational heft. "Run like the cops are chasing you!" he encouraged the Ethiopian track stars. Yeah, a white man telling the black kids to run from the cops. Had this been L.A., Bolo might have been running too. Lori meanwhile had her own unique motivation: she had to pee. I feared that her lap would be marred by some ungainly bladder incident, ultimately ending with her patented scowl of "BOLO!!!" Luckily, Lori kept it all in. Good girl!

Hayden arrived at the stadium boasting about her past life as a track star. The relay was her event in college, she explained. Apparently she meant the "awkward relay" as moments later she became the first woman ever to run the 400m in capri pants. At least she fared better than Kendra who arrived at the stadium still suffering from gastro-intestinal malaise. Oh how I would have enjoyed seeing her vomit right there on the track. Alas, she and Freddy powered through without incident. And by the way, what was up with Freddy's random poncho? Was he hoping to harvest some coffee beans while in Ethiopia? Actually, possibly the most awkward sight was Adam as he ran/waddled his lap. He kind of looked like a bowlegged cowboy suffering from hemorrhoids. Just trust me. It was awkward.

Anyway, next stop on the Amazing Race was Sri Lanka. Cut to Phil waving his hands and yelling "We didn't know there'd be tsunamis! We swear!" Teams had to fly to Colombo, ride a train, and find a tuk tuk — a little motorcycle-ish vehicle which joins Hungary's Trabant in this season's Small Cute Car department. Rumor has it that next week teams will drive Volkswagen Beetles while holding puppies and kittens.

Bolo and Lori arrived at Addis Ababa airport and asked for tickets to, and I kid you not, "Sari Kelanka". Oh Bolo. Poor, poor Bolo. Will you ever learn the finer nuances of our language (or "lane-gwagg-ee" as you say)? I'm surprised he can pronounce his own last name: Dar'tainian. You know he probably introduces himself as "Bolo Dar-apostrophe-ketain-ain-ian".

Everyone eventually made their way to Sari Kelanka, formerly known as Sri Lanka... which was formerly known as Ceylon... which in turn was formerly known as Sri Lanka. There, everyone managed to catch a train except Rebecca and Adam, who somehow wound up at the bottom of the pack again. The two frantically asked a local if he had seen other white people with backpacks, and the guy simply laughed at them, adding "They went away." Sri Lanka: come for the tuk tuks, stay for the condescension.

Facing a time deficit of over an hour and a half, Adam suddenly freaked out and began making nonsensical demands. First he wanted to go to the airport, then he wanted to go home, then he wanted to go to a Madonna concert. All the usual things. Eventually his temper tantrum hit fever pitch as he whined "I don't want to be here!" Mommy! When Rebecca refused to cave into his demands, I was fairly surprised that he didn't counter with "So do you want me to throw myself in front of that elephant? 'Cause I will! I will do that, Re-becc-a!" Of course, two hours later, when they were safely on the train, Adam retracted his words, instead trying to make good with an assault of little, annoying kisses. "If it means sucking it up and being his girlfriend, then fine," she confided to the camera. Ironically, sucking it up and being the girlfriend is one of Adam's favorite hobbies also. Hey-oh!

Next up was the Detour, creatively titled: "Tree trunks or elephant trunks." Teams could either climb up and down some palm trees and ropes, or they could hop on an elephant and play polo. Surely I expected Bolo to say: "Polo sounds like Bolo. Me Bolo. Bolo play polo. Ha ha ha. Bolo." But instead Bolo and everyone else chose the trees. Well, everyone went for the trees except Freddy and Kendra. Apparently Freddy didn't want to handle all that palm sap, lest he accidentally spill some on his man-poncho.

Most people seemed to have few problems with the trees. Jon in particular zipped up and down like a little monkey — a smiling, super friendly monkey. Just about the only one who had any difficulty was Hayden who shook so violently on the ropes that you'd think an electrical current was running through her. Where are your track skills now, biatch!

Elsewhere in Sri-town, the engaged models played a rousing game of elephant polo. Kendra blabbed about how wonderful the elephant was, and for a moment it appeared as though she had been cured of her nausea (which had worsened after the Sri Lankan train system proved to be far less hygienic than AmTrak). So let's do a little Kendra checklist:

Senegal - bad (ghetto bad)
Ethiopia - good (fun poverty!)
Ethiopian children - great!
Ethiopian food - BAD
Ethiopia in retrospect - Bad (Senegal in disguise!)
Sri Lankan trains - stinky
Elephants - Bestest Evah!

After the detour, everyone headed to Kandy to fetch some rice for their next clue. Unfortunately, the rice wouldn't be available until the next morning and yada yada yada - Adam and Rebecca were back with the pack. The next day, teams bought their rice and delivered it to The Temple of the Tooth, which if I'm not mistaken, is the name of a metal band from 1973. Teams then headed to Lion Rock (again with the 1970s band names) where they received their Roadblock. Basically someone had to climb a big-ass staircase, use some binoculars to find a flag, climb back down, and then navigate to the flag. Oh, and at the flag, teams had to swim across a pool and check in with Phil on the other end. Swim across a pool? That seems oddly excessive. It wasn't even Olympic sized. I mean a river - that makes sense. Now, if the pool had snakes in it, that would have been awesome.

Everyone pretty much descended on the Roadblock at once, and of course, Kris and Jon finished first. Adam had some difficulties with the binoculars, complaining "I'm all screwed up." He then added, "Everything looks so far away. How am I supposed to find anything at all?!? This doesn't make sense! Oh wait, they're backwards."

Aaron, Hayden, Freddy, Kendra, Rebecca, and Adam wound up in a close foot race to the end, and after Freddy passed Adam on the trail, he giggled to Kendra, "That Adam is such a nancy boy. I passed him." Freddy then added, "You see, being a male model is in no way indicative of nancy boyness." A gate then fell on his head and he cried.

Ultimately, we had a near photo-finish with Hayden and Aaron snagging second place, Freddy and Kendra at third (props to Freddy for yanking Kendra out of the pool with one arm. Very un-nancy boyish), and Adam and Rebecca landing fourth. As for our wrestlers? Well, Lori forgot her admission ticket to Lion Rock, something she needed to present about halfway up the staircase. Moments later, we heard a chainsaw— I mean Lori's voice — yelling with full redneck passion, "BOLO! BRING ME THE F--KIN' TICKET!" Oops. Bolo forget to read clue right. Bolo sad now. Bolo cry.

In the end, not even a surprisingly graceful dive by Bolo into the pool could save the wrestlers. Their time was up, and sadly, they were eliminated. So heading into the final four, we've got dating models, dating actors, dating actor/models, and dating model/actors. Fantastic!

Hook'd Ohn Fonix Werk'd Fer Mee

Ok, I get it. I should spellcheck my articles before I post them. I am happy to share with you, I am not alone. From the webpage of The Apprentice's Michael Tarshi, a book smarts guy, entrepreneur and current candybar hawker.

For those wondering, according to an email exchange with Tarshi, 20%-50% of all proceeds will make its way to Tsunami Relief, which is a much higher percentage than expected. Using TvGasm's estimated sales of the Tarshi Bar, I can honestly say Sri Lanka will appreciate the $3.23 donation from Michael Tarshi.

Safe money so far, bet on street smarts.

Girls Exceed Expectations in Product Placement Triathalon

Another final installment of a Real World/Road Rules Challenge season is once again upon us. After many challenges, we have whittled down the boys and the girls teams to Theo, Dan, and Eric vs. Coral, Sophia, and Arissa. If this was Vegas, the sports book would have stopped taking bets long ago. The girls have only won three challenges, and one of those wins was through some chicanery on the part of their opponents. But in the last few months, there have been a lot of streaks broken. The Red Sox won the World Series, the Redskins failed to predict the presidential winner, and the Eagles even made it to the Super Bowl. Sure this whole challenge was filmed months ago, but who am I to say that the unexpected wouldn't happen again?

If you listened to the women's team, they still believed that they had a chance. Coral had the confidence that the girls could win. As Arissa told us, her team had the mental toughness symbolized by herself, the physical toughness embodied in Coral, and the brains that had manifest themselves in Sophia. I am not going to say that Arissa was dumb for making that statement. Actually, it is phenomenally stupid. Where do I start? Arissa has mental toughness? She was so mentally tough that she had to be coaxed into doing any challenge even nominally difficult. Her toughness culminated last week when she was going to completely give up on a challenge because of her fear of heights. Coral's physical question should also be called into question. Sure she was able to hang onto a punching bag the longer than many of the guys, but did you see her in the final missions of the last two challenges? Spider bite in the Inferno and near death by exhaustion in the Gauntlet. Sophia might be very smart, but naming her the brains of the operation clearly mean that it was true only when you were comparing her to Coral and Arissa.

But let's say Arissa was actually correct when she was talking about how good she and her teammates were when it came to their individual abilities. The girls are still at a disadvantage because they have exactly been the model of team chemistry. And while the guys weren't exactly open to new and fresh faces among the elite, you could actually call some of the unselfish and not fall out of your chair laughing. As Theo said, it's tough to figure out what will be the worst part of the challenge for the girls. Would it be a spider biting Coral? Or would it be Arissa biting Coral? You just don't know.

Before our six idiots learned what they were going to be doing for the final challenge, everybody got together for a formal dinner, which for Eric meant putting on his nicest jeans, a black tank top, and that STUPID GODDAM JUMP ROPE. I hope he is getting some sort of money because he has crossed over from mere annoying stupidity to most likely to be picked off by a sniper. The dinner also served as a chance for everybody to say a few words about everybody else. In the unintentional irony moment of the season, Coral said that she was blessed to have a friend in Arissa, and that she didn't really have a lot of friends. It wasn't so much the statement that had so much irony as the tone in Coral's voice. She sounded absolutely stunned that she didn't have more friends and had no clue why. Hey Coral, maybe if you didn't sell out all of your teammates in order to get ahead of these challenges, some people may actually want to talk to you. If Coral was nice, maybe she wouldn't have to flaunt her boobs all over the place to keep people in a conversation.

Just as everybody was about to dig in, all of these commandos came storming in and started smashing things! Well, it wasn't that exciting because the leader of the commandos was Jonny Mosely, and the rest of the commandos were clearly a bunch of production assistants and key grips who were lying around with nothing to do. Were we supposed to believe their lives were in danger? What transpired looked like a bad rendition of a fraternity sink night. The guys and girls were lined up and taken to some basement. They were then given some crackers and water and told to change into fatigues (Coral's boobs in night vision are still impressive, BTW). Hmm, I wonder if they were going to be doing some obstacle course.

The next morning, the two teams got into separate H2s and then received a video message from Jonny Mosely. The final challenge would be known as the "Splinter Cell Escape from Santa Fe". That would nominally mean that the challenges are supposed to make you think of the game, except the game is about one guy killing a bunch of terrorists and not about running through the desert. Jonny was vague on the details but we knew three things. Both teams would parachute into two drop zones. Once there, they would use a Magellan GPS system to navigate to three physical challenges. Once those were complete, there would be a mental challenge.

As expected, Arissa was scared to death about the skydiving. Thankfully for all of us, everybody was diving in tandem, so she didn't have the chance to whine and complain about being afraid. She was just shoved out of the plane. There was no purpose of the skydiving other than doing something scary. Once they had reached the ground, the teams had to wait for Jonny's signal to get started.

The first challenge had the teams crawling under a bunch of barbed wire looking for a key. And just in case you were thinking it was fake, Coral reminded us that it was real, and if it cut you, you would bleed. I am already bored to death at this point, and I am not surprised that the guys finish first, although the girls aren't that fare behind. The key they find opens up a box containing a dog tag, and you would need a dog tag from each challenge if you wanted to complete the mental challenge at the end.

After a little more running through the desert with their GPS, the teams found their next challenge. I was wondering what they next thing would be after the barbed wire crawl. It's sponsored by Splinter Cell, so their should be some sort of hard core commando shit waiting, right? Uh, no. The next task was to untie a bunch of knots in a rope. When all the knots were untied, you could then slide off another key to open another dog tag. What the hell is that? I know they are against physical tasks that are too imposing after Coral's Gauntlet collapse, but isn't untying knots just a little too easy, not to mention extemely boring? In a big surprise, the girls were actually ahead after the rope challenge, which added some suspense to the episode. This, of course, means that the producers edited the tape so the episode wouldn't be completely boring.

The last challenge proved even easier than the first two. The teams had to find their third key underneath some bales of hay. That's right, they had to actually lift up some hay, and search for the keys underneath. If there wasn't enough Benadryl around, they might suffer from runny nose and itchy eyes literally hours after the task. The girls managed to squander their lead, and the guys actually build up a sizable advantage on their way to the mental challenge.

Mental challenges on games like this are quite limited. You have to have some sort of challenge that fits on a big game board. You are limited to things like puzzles, crosswords, and memory. This mental challenge turned out to be the last one. All of the members of the challenge were on a big memory board. The goal was not only to find all of the matches, but then to arrange the cast in order of their appearance in the Bunim/Murray universe. I personally think that the next challenge should incorporate a huge game of bobble, perhaps the size of a basketball court. Now that would be good television.

I would try and make the outcome a little more suspenseful, but even the producers gave up on making it look like the girls were close. The guys finished before the girls had even started their mental challenge, meaning that $180,000 was theirs. As an extra bonus, STA travel also kicked in a trip for two around the world for each winner, at a value of $15,000. Not a bad takeaway considering. (Don't be jealous, the IRS will be taking a big chunk, and knowing how these people work, most are likely to have audits in the future.)

So, the women were absolutely embarrassed once again. Some people may wonder why I said the girls exceeded expectations, perhaps I was a little deceptive in my headline to get people to actually read or create some sense of excitement that finale failed to come up with. Actually, I was being quite truthful. Although it may have been editing, the girls actually had a lead for a little while, and they managed to complete the four mile course without giving up. That's actually quite the accomplishment for this group. Really.

As for the rest of us, we are finally rid of this challenge. Absolutely no excitement, not enough backstabbing, and the only scandalous hookups were more likely to induce vomiting than to make us laugh. For the next challenge, I suggest that the producers reject any cast members that have been on more than two of the reunion specials. This would mean approximately half the cast would be unavailable, but it might mean some new faces would end up at the finish.

Have You Seen These Actors?

Hopeless auditions. Sleazy agents. Chance meetings with Hollywood heavyweights. It's all part of day-to-day life for the struggling actor in Los Angeles — and the setting for the new series, UNSCRIPTED.

Chances are, you've missed the show. Seems no one is watching, which is why TvGasm was compelled to share this hidden gem on a tiny little cable station called HBO. It is not as shiny, polished or scripted as Entourage and it is in the realistic feel of Unscripted, that the hilarity lies.

George Clooney and Steven Soderbergh executive produce this mockumentary style comedy with heart. The show follows the professional lives of three actors each struggling to make their mark in Hollywood.

Clooney’s and Soderbergh's reach is far and wide, in the first 2 hours of the show, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Jerry Van Dyke, Gary Marshall, the cast of ER, Hank Azaria, Richard Kind and Sam Mendes have all donated their talent and time to help Clooney’s show succeed. This is indicative of the quality of show that you people are missing.

UNSCRIPTED is a half-hour comedy series that blends improvisation and real incidents to tell the tale of three promising young actors as they navigate the rough waters of show business. Having just aired its third episode, the series seems to avoid the sex and drug clichés and focus more on the humanity, perseverance and overall struggle of the average Hollywood actor. "The truth of the matter is less than five percent of our union makes all the money," Clooney says. "And that's just the people in the union. There are so many actors that get up every morning and — forget getting a job — they try to get an agent. Or an audition. We're trying to show what it is that we do. It's completely unlike the way it's usually portrayed."

As its name implies, UNSCRIPTED features no written lines of dialogue. The cast members improvise their lines in situations based on their own experiences and those of the show's creators. There are no rehearsals, no retakes and no reshoots. The result is a dry-humored insider's look at what it takes to make it big — or at least make a living — in Hollywood.

UNSCRIPTED stars Krista Allen, Bryan Greenberg and Jennifer Hall, essentially playing themselves as struggling actors. Stage and screen veteran Frank Langella co-stars as Goddard Fulton, a noted actor who leads them in an acting workshop at Los Angeles' fabled Tamarind Theater.

Throughout the ten-episode series, Krista, Bryan and Jennifer appear in real-life situations, including a maze of offices and real film productions, crossing paths with real-life Hollywood stars and directors. From humiliating jobs and padded resumes to professional breakthroughs, UNSCRIPTED offers a revealing look at the sometimes raucous, often disillusioning world of the struggling actor.

Normally, the Gasm wouldn't gush over a show. But having so many actor friends as well as a divine respect for hysterical and true storylines, I felt a sense of obligation to encourage the viewing of this show. New episodes air Sunday nights at 10pm on HBO.

If you have any hidden shows you love, and you fear no one is watching, let us know about it at madeyoulaugh@tvgasm.com and it could be the topic in a future Gasm post.

The Bachelorette: More Mindless Dribble

[by Jaded Bitch]

And when I say dribble, I'm of course talking about the big basketball game that started off the show. The men were invited down to an outdoor basketball court where they met Jen and occasional host Chris Harrison. They were to play 4 on 4, with the winners getting a shot at one-on-one time with Jen, and the losers having to go on a group date with her. I don't know - I think the one-on-one time with her is more of a punishment than a reward. At least on a group date, you can run and hide, maybe catch a matinee of Mamma Mia!

Frenchy Fabrice and Harry Winston Doorman Jerry were chosen as captains. Fabrice chose for his team: White Ryan (who no longer needs to be called White Ryan now that Black Ryan is out of the picture), 25 year-old John Paul (who still needs to be called 25 year-old John Paul simply because the show and Jen can't get over the fact that he's 25), and Ben (whose eyebrows are screaming out for help). The other team, who were to be shirtless, comprised of Doorman Jerry, Josh the Virgin, Boring Wendell, and Keith the Welder. Jen oogled the boys as they stripped off their tops as though she were at a bachelorette party or something. Wait a minute...

The game looked to be quite violent and rough. Ah, just the way Jen likes it! The men pushed each other into the surrounding fence and into the ground as they fought for more airtime, er, one-on-one time with Jen. In the end, it was Fabrice's clothed team who won. The private dates were awarded to John Paul (who made the most baskets and who is 25 years old) and to Fabrice (who made the least baskets and who is gay.) Everybody else - group outing.

The date with Fabrice took us to the Cotton Club in Harlem, where the two lovebirds sat and enjoyed a surprise performance from... VANESSA WILLIAMS!! Yes, THAT Vanessa Williams! Ms. Nude Centerfold USA herself! WTF was she doing there?! This guest star appearance wasn't even advertised in the previews! To think that Paula Abdul has more pull on television these days... Oh well, at least Ms. Williams didn't sing that "Save The Best For Last" song.

Fabrice loved the performance! After all, Vanessa Williams was on his list of all-time favourite divas! Now, if only Cher or Barbra Streisand were to show up, that would've made his night! He did manage to reveal to Jen that he wanted a family and all those good things that come with it, like gardening, a nice house, a pretty little apron he can wear while baking cookies and waiting for the mailman...

Fabrice talked about a past love he once had, and yes, he said it was a woman. He then started crying, which caused Jen to recoil back in horror. "I just want to have fun!" she exclaimed to the camera, flinging her hair to one side. "I don't want to get too DEEP!" God forbid Jen that you actually have deep, meaningful conversations with these men, one of whom you may potentially marry! She then flicked her hair over to the OTHER side and smiled into the camera,"Gorgeous! Do you love it?"

At the end of the date, Fabrice ended up getting a few kisses in, causing Jen to feel uncomfortable and creeped out by the whole experience. "He was like, crying, and then like, he leaned in for a kiss, and then it was all, like, weird!! Is that hot?"

The next day, Jen babysat 25 year-old John Paul by taking him on a helicopter ride to a spa - apparently a parallel to her first date with Mr. Andrew "Failed Relationship" Firestone. Jen was amazed that John Paul ran his own company when he was only 25! She then realized he also had pubic hair and a driver's license! Wow, and he's only 25!

The two were quick to strip to their skivvies for a couples massage, followed by some sitting around in a pool and a feast of chocolate covered strawberries. Normally, this would be a nice and relaxed date to be on, but on television, it's just plain boring.

The group date the next day was a tad more interesting, and when I say tad, I mean barely. They all went to Central Park so that Jen could watch the boys play football! Wow, how fun. She did manage to chat with some of the guys privately however.

Sitting under a tree, Josh rambled on to a bored Jen and a bored TV audience about his life, his dreams, his thoughts, his emotions, his darkest sexual fantasies. Nah, just kidding on that last one. He is a virgin after all. Virgins don't have sexual fantasies, least of all dark ones. Actually, Josh did mention that one day he'd love to try putting his penis into a woman's vagina and then moving it about for awhile.

Suddenly, Ryan came crashing into the scene trying to catch a football. You just know he told someone, "Hey guys, throw the ball over towards Jen and I'll run in there and interuppt the two! Wouldn't that be hilarious!?"

Jen later downed some wine with Keith the Welder, in Central Park, in the middle of the day. What is this, Vegas? "I just want everything to be natural between us," Keith said... unnaturally.

There was more booze to be had with Jerry, while paddling in a canoe in the middle of a pond. The two kissed, while the cameraman tried hard to avoid a passing boat that was inching its way into the shot. This only ended up showcasing some random bride in the background, either posing for a wedding photo or contemplating jumping into the water and drowning herself. Jerry and Jen then got up in the boat and danced together. Oh, how I so wanted them to fall in!!

Wendell then arrived to take Jen away. The two talked...like brother and sister. There is simply no chemistry there. In fact, there is simply no chemistry between Jen and ANY of these guys.

After the commercial breaks, we were mercilessly subjected to endless shots of John Paul in a suit and tie, wearing loafers with NO SOCKS. If that isn't cause enough for elimination, then I don't know what is. Get those ankles off my tv screen!! We're not in Europe, and the Miami Vice look was so last decade.

In a private conversation, Jen had Fabrice rate all the guys for her. That my friends, is the definition of "irony."

It was finally time for the Rose Ceremony. On the receiving end were 25 year-old John Paul (bare ankles and all), Ryan, Jerry, Ben, Wendell, and shockingly, Fabrice! I guess every hag needs their fag to have around to help with the selection process! Fabrice, however, was none too happy about being chosen last. He went on a rampage (re: hissy fit) about how getting the last rose was bullsh*t and wondered why he was even there. Oh right, the opportunity to get on television even if it means toying with someone else's emotions by pretending to be heterosexual. That's it! Now we're back in the game.

Bidding their goodbyes were Josh, the last American Virgin, and Keith the Welder, whose bio on ABC's website showcases his intellectual muscles, especially in the "Me In 3 Words" section. There's "active" and "thoughtful" and...WHOOOPS! Somebody fetch this guy a clue!

Next week looks like The Amazing Race and Playing It Straight meet The Bachelorette. Previews feature a sprint to the Empire State Building and Fabrice's confession during "the most unforgettable rose ceremony EVER!" We'll just see about that.

Worst Webcast EVER

Gulp. That was the sound I made as the ominous 24 clock ticked loudly into the 1:00 pm hour. Sure, I tend to make that sound every week, but I like to think that this ending was exceptionally menacing. No, not because of the double cliffhanger at the end of the show. But because at press time, CTU is now the home of a shifty Brit lurking in the shadows, a schitzo blonde formerly known as "Phenom", and an obnoxious environmentalist undergoing some casual torture. Rumor has it a fire juggler on stilts will be detained next. Tick tock tick tock...

The truth is that crazy Maya Driscoll was safely off camera this past episode. Funny story though: a quick glance at the imdb made me realize that a few years ago, I had actually hung out with the actress who plays Maya: Angela Goethals. Oddly enough, it was me, Angela, and Sarah Rue. Turns out they both starred on the ABC show "Phenom"... with William Devane - aka Secretary of Defense James Heller. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!

Inconsequential name dropping aside, 24 was off and running yet again this week. We began the show as always with a little recap of episodes past. You know the drill. Previously on 24: dead bodies, dumb suburban mothers, evil terrorist mothers, gunfire, yelling, yada yada yada... I took this brief interlude to reflect on how much William Devane's face looks like a Halloween mask. His skin must be some sort of polymer.

Anyway, with the recap over, it was time to get down to business. We first gazed upon a quiet, dusty industrial compound. Cue some guards ambling around, whistling innocently. La dee dah. Just another day at the terrorist headquarters. Down in the nether regions of the compound, Heller sat bound and gagged while his captors put him on "trial" for crimes against humanity and all that good stuff. You know, the production values on this webcast were really subpar. Couldn't they have stolen a little backdrop? Maybe built a People's Court set? Heck, if it were me, I would have kidnapped the whole cast of "Night Court" and put them to work. We all know Richard Moll needs the gig.

While the shabbiest webcast EVER transmitted around the world, Jack honed his stealth instincts and quietly took out all the guards around the compound. At this point I put down my PS2 controller as I realized I was not actually playing a video game, simply watching one on TV (and an awesome one at that). Jack eventually infiltrated the shadowy fortress, telling Driscoll to call off that pesky Marine attack that would, you know, kill everyone. She couldn't quite do that yet (that's what we like to call, the "President's decision"); so Jack moved forward — but not before boldly stating, "No turning back, Erin." He then added, "It's now or never... I'm taking the plunge... Siyonara... People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."

After some more sleuthing, Jack finally found the love of his life: Audrey. "You've got to stop them!" she implored. Oh really? Thanks for pointing that out Audrey. I thought he was just supposed to give 'em a good scare. Maybe razz them a little, then hand out lemonade and oatmeal cookies. Nevertheless, Jack slipped Audrey a neat little switchblade and then prowled on towards Heller. Luckily, Jack's timing was impeccable as he managed to shoot down the terrorists just before they executed the Secretary of Defense. We then cut to Driscoll who announced, "He's doin' it," adding "Mama likey!"

Jack and Heller soon joined forces to bust out of the compound, but unfortunately Audrey was nowhere to be found. Oh well. You win some, you lose some. Outside, Jack and his boss staved off a veritable bullet storm, but not before Jimmy Heller showed off some fancy sharpshooting skills. Damn, William Devane is badass. Knots Landing? More like Knots Pounding. Sorry, that made no sense. Thought I had something. Lesson learned: Knots Landing can never sound awesome.

Well, the Marines finally descended on the madness and put those terrorists out to pasture. But whither goest fair Audrey? On cue, Omar the Terrorist emerged with a gun to Audrey's head. Jack and Heller dropped their weapons, and just before Omar was about to kill the girl and then himself, Audrey shoved that switchblade right into his... well, I think it was his balls, but it could have been his abdomen. Either way, it looked painful.

Fast forward after the commercial break, and Heller was suddenly back in his formal wear. Hey, the man's got a speaking engagement. Meanwhile, Audrey's husband, Paul, called up to say hello to his honey. Turns out he had flown across the country when he'd heard about her kidnapping. And now he was in CTU waiting for her. And he doesn't know about Jack. And he's British. Awkward...

With the craziness at the compound dying down, we could finally return to the usual CTU hijinx. Poor Curtis was having some difficulties with his network (Driscoll suggested he "multiplex" his bandwidth. So does that mean he should open up a movie theater?), but luckily crafty Marianne popped up to say she had snagged some extra bandwidth. Oooh. Finding bandwidth. Grrrrr! Sexay! "I slept with you because I was attracted to you. Still am. Deal with it," Marianne told Curtis boldly. She's a troublemaker, that one. With Sarah, Curtis, Edgar, and Driscoll on the case, one might say Marianne's something of a Fifth Wheel. You see, because Aisha Tyler used to host The Fifth Wheel and... oh never mind.

Hey, I wonder how that friendly terrorist family's doing? Well, not so well. Dad was glued to the TV, watching local LA newsman John Beard interrupt his "Fingers of Flame" exposé to announce that Secretary of Defense Heller had been rescued. Seeing that the webcast had gone to shit, Behrooz suddenly became quite finicky as he complained about the plan falling apart. You know, standard teenage whining: I killed my girlfriend this, death to the infidels that. Before Behrooz could really get too annoying though, the doorbell rang. My God. These people get way too many visitors. Who is it now? Debbie's sister? Her great aunt?

Actually, it was only Tariq, a menacing new fellow whose arrival was greeted with hugs and friendliness - at least from Navi. Behrooz eyed him with the guarded fear of a small dog barking at a veterinarian. Nevertheless, dad sent the two off to dispose of Debbie's body and hopefully her cell phone too. You know, I don't really feel too badly for Debbie. Anyone with such a god awful ringtone deserves to die anyway.

At CTU, Driscoll and the funky bunch looked at the items intercepted from the raid. Let's see... internet cables, extension chords... dammit, they were at Circuit City all along! Meanwhile, across the office, Audrey arrived with little fanfare. A handler greeted her at the door, and I half expected him to say "Welcome to CTU Audrey. Your brother's in our torture chamber. Coffee?"

Back at the Araz household, Navi braced himself solemnly on a kitchen chair. Some pre-terrorism isometrics? No, just general contemplation. Dina casually entered the kitchen and removed her coat in a humdrum way that seemed to say "Hey. Just killed Debbie's mom. A real screamer. But I got some bagels though. The 405 is backed up like two miles, by the way."

Actually, Dina spared Debbie's mom, which was good because then Tariq would have had a third body to dispose of. Three bodies, you say? Yes. Turns out that the big guys upstairs had sent Tariq to not only get rid of Debbie but to whack Behrooz as well. When Dina found out her son was off with the hitman, she immediately devolved into a quivering mess that seemed to say "I may have lost the Oscar, but I WILL HAVE THAT EMMY!" And by the way, she deserves every last inch of it. As the scene ended, I imagined Shohreh Aghdashloo shooting a finger gun at the Desperate Housewives cast, adding "I'd like to thank all the other nominees... for making it so damn easy."

At CTU, Heller arrived to thunderous, or at least extended, applause. He thanked the entire staff, and then pulled Erin and her circle into the conference room to further underscore just how grateful he was. Oh, and by the way, where's my son? Curtis and Driscoll exchanged nervous glances that seemed to say "Should we tell him about the orture-tay?" but Heller knew something was up. He quickly learned that Richard had been subjected to SDT (sensory deprivation treatment), which is somewhat better than an STD (sexually transmitted disease) but not nearly as lovely as FTD (Florist Transworld Delivery).

Father and son had a warm reunion filled with hugs and "I love you's", but the honeymoon was short lived as Heller asked his son to give the nice people behind the glass whatever information he could. Amazingly, Richard balked at the request, saying he didn't want them to know about his personal life. Hey douchebag. Your father almost got killed because of you. 'Fess up. Unfortunately, Richard pulled a little reality star logic with his "It's my life! That's just me!" attitude, causing Poppa to okay some more SDT. As Daunté Culpepper would say, "Lace 'em up! Lace 'em up!"

Up in the sandy wastelands of suburban Los Angeles, Behrooz and Tariq broke ground on Debbie's shallow grave. Eagle-eyed Behrooz, however, was no fool to this scheme as he quietly spied Tariq's gun. Kill him, Behrooz! Kill him! May your balls be as big as your terrorist 'fro!

Down in CTU, creepy Paul and his cyborg voice greeted Audrey in the infirmary. He declared his love for her and promised to put the marriage ahead of career. From now on, he'd lavish her with scones, tea, and Sporty Spice! His heart is a lorry that just wants to deliver love! Alas, Audrey was a major killjoy when she revealed she'd been seeing another man: a man who she loved, a man who was brave, a man who... was at the door. Yes, in marched Jack as he politely shook Paul's hand, somehow ignoring the impulse to say "Hi, I'm Jack. I'm schtooping your wife." Nevertheless, Paul figured it out quickly enough and exited quietly sans "Cheerio!" He then spent the rest of the episode glaring angrily from behind some venetian blinds. It was his passive aggressive way of saying "I'm British and a bit peeved! And where is Nigel?"

Let's go back to Behrooz though, shall we? With the grave nearly finished, our ragamuffin terrorist decided it was time to act. Behrooz summoned all his strength and slammed his shovel into Tariq's noggin so hard you could see little birds chirping around his head. Not to be outdone, Tariq reached for his gun, but Behrooz, a student in the ancient art of shovelry, quickly batted away the weapon. Soon, the teenager had the hitman singing like a bird as Tariq revealed that Behrooz's dad was the one who ordered the hit. So mom poisons son's girlfriend and makes son pretend to kill her while dad makes son dispose of body AND puts a hit on son AND tells wife the order came from someone else? Helllllooo. Time for family counseling.

Back at CTU, it was time for another debriefing. The Marines found an empty suitcase back at the compound raid. Its manufacturer traced back to a defense contractor. Okay. Starting to sound bad. A bunch of slides later, and the CTU people found out what we've known all along: the briefcase was stolen at the train crash by the bad guys. What's worse though was that the case contained a device that controls EVERY SINGLE NUCLEAR REACTOR IN THE COUNTRY! Why oh why did they not give this courier a bodyguard?

Well, luckily, anyone who had this device would have to hack through tons and tons of code in order to access the reactors, and luckily all the watchdog groups would spot such suspicious activity way ahead of time... unless, of course, there were major internet activity that would distract attention away from the hackers. Major internet activity... like a live execution on a webcast. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. We're all gonna die!

And just when I expected to see that nefarious ticking clock on the screen, the action continued. Marianne rose from her desk, walked calmly across the room, ascended some stairs, and found a shadowy location to make a phone call. "They found out," she said in her best "I'm the funny lady from Talk Soup, but I can be serious too" way. So it's official: the world's gonna end and Aisha Tyler's a mole. Could it get any worse?

Well, Kim could always come back.

(shiver)

www.Begin-My-15-Minutes.com

In less than a week, current Apprentice contestants have gone from complete obscurity to become overnight people who kinda look familiar. Striking while the iron is luke warm, several of the gameshow contestants have put up websites several of which indicate the ability to be employed which would imply they are not "The Apprentice." Many of the cast, such as Kendra, have pages on their company's website which is completely normal and practilcally unmockable. But some, such as Erin whos website boasts her as "The Model/Lawyer" are just plain shameless. Wicked hot... but shameless.

The ultimate in shame comes in the final two websites listed after the jump....incredible.

Though Kendra Todddoesn't really have website to review, there are telephone numbers and an email address at RE/Max you can reach her at if you want to complement, mock, ridicule or flirt with her


Alex Thomason's website is like a supermodel nun...looks good but serves no purpose. A couple GQ-esque photos pamphlet what is essentially an ad for the company who designed the site (and even added a whole page dedicated to telling the story of how they got to design the site).


What can I say about Erin's site? She's a model. And like a model, it looks good, it finds ways for you to spend money on it... but ultimately, all you'll ever be able to do is look. I suppose Erin is a Tranny since it takes huge balls for a nobody like her to charge $15 for an autographed photo. HUGE balls.


Sadly, we have to wait for Johns site to finish being designed. It would see asthough this highschool grad has been taking notes from the Tarantino school of web design.


Initially, it seems Brian's website is for body guards or mafioso. But a closer inspection reveals, absolutely nothing. Just another example of people who felt like registering their name as a URL. I guess Brian is going to try to make his "thing" that he got a free plastic viking hat in New York. I mean, it is prominanty posted on his site. Im not sure if this is real bragging rights. I mean, I knew a guy in college who got a free hum down low for a hooker in Thailand... a far more impressive feat.


Michael Tarshi is hitting a new height on the Shame-O-Meter. His site, which looks like a Kenny G album cover, boasts the immenent availability of autographed hats, photos and....wait for it....Tarshi Chocholate Bars bearing the catch phrase "make love to your stomach." As a collector of fine reality tv inspired memerobelia, I am tempted to purchase this bar, maybe even make it a TVGasm giveaway. But as a hater of financially supporting reality folk, I am conflicted.

And now, the creme de la creme.

An internet rave is the best way to describe Danny's website. 2 or 3 minutes on the site further confirms my suspicions that Danny is that guy at the party who initially people are drawn to cause he looks so fun and qwerky, but 4 weeks later, he is still calling wanting to hang out get coffee or sew hemp things.


Tana's site is just plain obnoxious. Awkward non-sensical audio bits litter the already nauseating website. It looks like Ellen Degeneres' site ate Martha Stewarts site and shit www.heytana.com. My favorite part of any of the websites is in a video when Tana tries to sell a tourist a gift basket, but comes close to starting an international incident or prostituting herself.


After hourse of internet surfing, following leads and contacting old highschool gym coaches to get some dirt on these folks, only one thing has been made clear... Erin will eventually be in a Maxim spread. And the Gasm will be there to cover it.

Why Couldn't It Be Jay?

A report I dread to make.

Comedy Legend and seemed to be nice guy, Johnny Carson died last night at his home. He was surrounded by his family. Initial reports indicate he had been battling emphysema for quite some time. Though I speculate long term exposure to Jay Leno weakened his condition and the final blow was 2 unrelenting weeks of Craig Ferguson.

He changed the landscape of late night comedy and for 30 years, he ruled it.

Johnny Carson was often times the cause of a true TVGasm.

He will be missed.

Back to Business

It's been one month since the last season of The Apprentice wrapped up, and wouldn't you know it, the live finale is still going on. Okay, maybe it's not, but in our minds, that long, stultifying episode continues to replay as we remember endless audience participation, random Ojay's singing, and Trump's Chief Operating Officer completely losing it on live TV. Was this the end for The Apprentice? It left such a sour taste in everyone's mouth that to return to the trough almost felt like a chore.

Well, thank goodness last night's season premiere was back on point. I don't know how I could have dealt had one of my favorite reality shows gone down in flames. We knew we were back in the comforting hands of Mark Burnett as the first images of Trump's helicopter filled the screen. With Killer Tracks blazing in the background ("dunh, dunh, DUNH!!!"), we gazed upon the formidable New York City skyline and entered a semi-meditative state — until The Donald bellowed out "New York City: I love this town!" Welcome back, Apprentice. Welcome back.

Donald spent the first few minutes babbling about the show and its contestants and his empire. In a very Alcoholics Anonymous moment, he said "My name is Donald Trump. You know everything about me." So apparently we know everything about him, but his name?

Nevertheless, the whipping boys and girls all descended upon New York City in various forms of transport, from JetBlue (what are the odds that there's a JetBlue task later?) to subway, from taxi to bus, from space shuttle to covered wagon. One plucky guy stepped on a city bus and announced "My first time in New York!" I'm sure the driver really cared. Cut to Harry Nilsson's "Everybody's Talkin'" playing as the newbie slowly descends into a life of male prostitution with his new friend, Ratso Rizzo.

But this show isn't really about the apprentice-wannabes. It's about Trump and all things Trump. That's why we returned to The Donald as he emerged from his helicopter with the help of what seemed to be a body double of some sort. Honestly, the guy had the same build, bad hair, and an identical suit. I half expected Trump to say "This is my mildly retarded brother, Howie. He holds the door open for me. Maybe you can too... on The APPRENTICE!" Instead, Donald headed to Trump Towers where he was greeted by a random (read: paid) mob of fans. As he waded through the followers, one middle-aged gentleman pulled a Howard Dean and yelled "YEAH!!!!" as he flung his fist in the air. Sadly, with the high point in his life passed, this Willy Loman-esque character ambled down to the East River and killed himself.

Anyway, Trump ushered in the opening credits with an ostentatious aerial shot that seemed to say "Whoosh! Marvel at the speed of business!!" We soon met a handful of the candidates, including this season's bow tie jerk, Bren, who said "I'm a little man with a big mouth." He then added, "Big mouth and... well, a little penis. Just... just leave." There was also Angie who sported a stewardess-chic neck scarf that I feared may also have been load-bearing. That thing was so tightly wound and omnipresent, I thought her head might roll right off her neck, lest the scarf come undone.

There was also faux-trendy Erin whose most notable qualities were the two black draperies on her head that she might call hair. Erin has a soft, Grace Slick look that probably would have translated to a lucrative career as an album cover model in the 1960s. Whenever I look at her, I can't help but envision psychedelic patterns blue screened behind her. According to her NBC bio, she dreams of one day opening up her own lawfirm by women for women. You know, it's great that someone finally patterned their life around cancelled CBS drama "Family Law."

After the contestants met with Trump, everyone zipped up to the loft which had been unfortunately given an Extreme Makeover: Suck Edition. Apparently NBC had let loose some talentless Thom Felcia fan as the once colorful loft had been transformed into a 1980s striped and checkered nightmare, complete with its own set of Oscars. Still, that didn't stop Tana from masturbating over the kitchen as she exclaimed "A dream kitchen!!" She then bubbled over upon finding a wayward missive, as she squealed "Oooh! Should we read the card?" Note to self: never take Tana to Hallmark.

Teams split up into Book Smarts vs. Street Smarts, and off the bat, there were some clear differences between the two. One team was loud and brash while the other was refrained and pansyish. Wanna take a guess at how it broke down? With the Street Smarts people (a.k.a. "high school"), we had stocky pitbull Brian filling in the role of typical New Yawka, and John, the self-proclaimed "schmoe" from Tampa, stepping up as the resident logician. "We're gonna win because we got nothing to lose!" he explained. Apparently "dignity" and "professional reputation" are just merely annoyances.

On the college side of the loft, we had Danny. Oh Danny. Not only did he show up wearing a red leisure suit, but this skinny Michael Moore sported a guitar that was well overdue for some John Belushi bashing. Danny quickly anointed himself CMO - that's "Chief Moral Officer". His duty: to keep spirits up and the team thinking positively. Cut to my stomach churning with visions of trust falls and corporate retreats. Sure enough, the CMO attacked swiftly, causing this group of college educated buffoons to yell out their new slogan, "UNBELIEVABLE!" Um, are they selling washing machines? They sound like a local commercial for some appliance store in New Hampshire. I'll name their business "Unbelievable Sal's: where the prices are UNBELIEVABLE!"

"I got my blender for $20 less than Sears. UNBELIEVABLE!"

Okay, I'll stop.

UNBELIEVABLE!

Sorry.

Soon it was time for teams to come up with names. Book smarts toyed with "Legacy" which I imagine is how any of these people got into college. Ultimately, they settled for "Magna" - as in Magna Cum Laude. Other options were "Laude" (which sounded too much like "Loud") and "Cum" which, well, never mind. After all this, Magna celebrated by singing a team song written by Danny. Where the hell did these people go to college? Brown?

Over at Street smarts, Brian suggested "Brass Balls Inc." Apparently the company's receptionist would answer the phones with "Aaay!" Amazingly, "Brass Balls Inc." was shot down, as well as "Giant Monkey Schlong, LTD.", "You Got A Problem? Inc.", and "Mosaic". Ultimately, the high school group settled on "Net Worth", an enigmatic name that conjures up images of my tax returns.

The next morning, Rhona called the loft, and look at Miss Fancy Pants! If my eyes don't deceive me, lady Rhona got herself a makeover! Goodbye drab hair, hello highlights! Somebody get a damp towel because Rhona is HOT. Cue the Nelly.

Teams met Trump on the top of his building for no real reason except to see if his hair might budge at higher altitudes. He informed them that they would be managing a Burger King restaurant for one day, and on top of that, they'd be choosing a new item to name, market and sell. Hmmm... Trump hasn't said "billion" yet. I feel a little disconcerted. "Burger King sells 2.5 billion burgers a year," Trump announced. Phew! Around this time, I couldn't help noticing Tana and her shapely breasts. It was almost as if someone had taken two protractors and slipped them under her shirt.

Back in the loft, Todd took over as Magna's project manager. Danny assigned himself as head of marketing, insisting that he could get people in the door. "I'll just dress like a bum and scare them in!" John, project manager for Net Worth, headed down to his Burger King with his team where the specialty chef kept six new sandwiches under black bowls as he described them. Was this Price is Right or something? Did they have to match the description with the right sandwich in order to win a car?

Both teams carefully selected their sandwich at their respective restaurants with a deliberation process so analytical that I feared a spin off show, "America's Next Top Burger", was in the works. Eventually, the teams selected their burger (while I mopped up my salivation) and got to work training. George, walking around to survey the progress, informed Carolyn that "I used to work at a soda jerk," or "schoda jerk" as he says it. George Ross: America's Grandpa.

Net Worth was quick to come up with a marketing scheme for their Western burger, and John dispatched Brian and some girls to get props and costumes. Brian explained that he "took the ladies to buy balloons and cowboy costumes" because of his work history. His work history? As what? A clown? Actually, he noted that he used to run a dollar store, and at the costume shop, he commented "I know the price of these things." Let me guess. One dollar!

Over at Burger King HQ, Danny and his female sidekick (I don't know all the names yet) had the most awkward and unprepared meeting with the head of marketing. Truthfully, Danny had a solid idea in a "Just Say Cheese" campaign for the triple cheese burger they were selling. But somehow he lost confidence in the idea and spent the next several hours coming up with "Triple Play". Huh? You see, three cheeses? Triple play? It's a vague connection. Perfect! Luckily their burger had a catchy name: "The Triple Cheese with Bacon Angus Burger." Honestly, it was better than the first name: "The Triple Cheese with Bacon and Angus Meat on Two Buns with Ketchup and Chopped Onions Burger That You Eat."

Meanwhile, Net Worth added a Las Vegas roundtrip giveaway to their marketing scheme, but that of course meant snagging some tickets. Tana and her teammate found a travel agent who would be up until 10 pm - great! Little did they know it was a fat bald guy in his apartment. As the ladies waited for the tickets to pop out of the guy's printer, a sociable dog decided to claim Tana as his own by letting loose a steady stream of pee on her leg. YES. Why don't Apprentice stars get peed on more frequently? Lord knows they deserve it.

The next morning, we finally got to see the CMO's big marketing plan. It's hard to describe (outside of "awful"). Basically, Danny strolled around with his guitar and tried to snare passers by. Unfortunately, he looked like a wandering bum freshly evicted from his box under the Williamsburg Bridge. The little "throw the ball in hole" game he had didn't help either. Carolyn summed it up nicely: "This is sad. This is very sad." Of course Alex had a different view, noting that everything was "workin' like clock." Work. Clockwork. The expression is... oh never mind...

Unfortunately for Magna, everything was not working like clockwork. The two - TWO - people on the cash register seemed to have problems navigating the illiterate-friendly touch screen, causing massive lines. Project Manager Todd could have helped out, but oops, he wasn't trained. You see, the day before, he spent the entire afternoon sitting at a table, writing on paper, and basically trying to look busy. Of course, had anyone read what he was writing, they would have found "Day 487 and the swelling still has not gone down from the wisdom teeth. I fear my jowls will be swollen for time eternal. Cruel fate. Smite me now. Also, I think Erin likes me."

Of course spunky team Net Worth was all over this task. They were giving pep talks, selling the product, and doing a general rat-a-tat-tat performance. Later on in the Board Room, it was therefore no surprise when Carolyn announced they had won by about $40. The team cheered, and I thought it was quite nice of Net Worth to invite the Burger King employees into the Board Room. Oh wait, those were just more people on Net Worth. Of course, The Donald couldn't help but rub it in the faces of the "college geniuses." You know, just because you add "college" to the resume doesn't mean you're a genius. I'm thinking more and more these people are all graduates of Hackensack Community College.

As a reward, Donald and the little lady invited Net Worth to dine in the wine cellar of the 21 Club. The restaurant manager explained how the wine cellar used to be a speakeasy during Prohibition. He then unlocked the door, causing Trump to giggle and do one of his "Did you see that?" gestures. Yes, the wonders of a lock and key. We've come so far. Unfortunately, this hidden backroom featured no flappers or expatriates. But there was a fancy spread, which was conducive to Brian asking Trump about some inane story. Long story short, he wanted to know if it was true that Trump paid off the mortgage of some couple who had helped him when he had car troubles. Trump paused for a while and said "Yes. It's true." Of course, in his mind, it was more like "I don't remember that at all, but it sounds pretty good. So... true." What he didn't tell them was that the home was a one bedroom in rural Pennsylvania that burned down two weeks later — he collected the insurance.

Back at the apartment, Erin slid on her Uggz and teared up next to Todd. It was sort of her way of saying "Pleeeease don't bring me in with you." We then cut to an interview with her and GOOD GOD! She's wearing the bathroom rug! Someone stole her clothing! How will she face Trump? Oh wait, no, that's an actual poncho of some sort. Can't stare... feeling woozy...

In the board room, Donald and an unusually cranky George came down hard on Todd for only training two people at the cash register. "They had two people. When I worked at a soda jerk..." George started. Great. Here goes crazy George with his soda jerk stories. Shut up, jerk. I mean, shut up, soda jerk.

Everyone tried to blame Danny for the team's shortcomings, even his marketing partner Stephanie (ah, I remembered her name!) but when Donald asked Todd if he blamed him, the project manager seemed reticent to burn any bridges. "I don't blame Danny," Todd said. I half expected him to add, "I just hold him at fault for everything." Just about the only person who didn't blame Danny was Kendra, who might as well have started her comments with "Hi, my name's Kendra. I'm actually on this show."

When asked about his appearance, Danny explained that he didn't wish to be a clone. Uh oh. Don't say the "C" word. George suddenly piped up and snapped, "Do you think I'm a clone?" Whoa, easy there. He then continued, "When I worked in a soda jerk, we didn't have clones. We didn't even know what a clone was. Back in those days, a soda cost 5 cents, and we knew the value of a pretty girl who could foxtrot!" Everyone, back away from the George.

Eventually Todd returned with Danny and Alex, but not before the three guys decided to squeeze in together on that couch in the lobby. Tad awkward, yes? Alex almost shot himself in the foot when he announced it was his fault for training only two cashiers, and Danny became this season's first recipient of the "you're a disaster" comment, but in the end it was Todd who was fired. In fact, he was fired twice. If Trump had said "You're fired" once more, we could have had a true triple play (raising pinky to mouth and snickering).

And so Todd was the first passenger of the Apprentice taxi service as he was ferreted away to reality oblivion. To his credit, he did manage to make himself look memorably pathetic as he pitched himself to potential employers. Who would have thought Todd would out-beggar Danny?

What did you think about the premiere?

A Recipe For a Cultural Phenomenon

In the January 24th issue of Newsweek, they bring up the issue of a possible homoerotic connection on The OC. No, we aren't talking about the now-cofirmed, and TVgasm breaking story on Marissa and Alex. We are talking about the seemingly more obvious, but perhaps unintentional, sexual tension between Seth and Ryan. While I haven't personally seen anything on the show to give me the same idea, I do know that all of the guys on the show have turned completely spineless. You expect people to walk all over Seth, but it shouldn't happen to Zach. You expect Sandy to act like a 45 year old, you don't expect it from Ryan. And it's Newport. Somebody, somewhere, should be doing cocaine.

The writers decided to switch things up this week. Usually, we are used to the breakfast intro. Ryan walks in from the pool house just as Seth is pouring some cereal. They say "Hey" to each other, and talk about their problems at school, but most likely girl problems. Then Sandy and Kirsten walk in drink their coffee and bagel, complain about Caleb and Julie, then wait for Seth to have some sort of witty response, and then cut to the credits. This week, there is no breakfast, but rather a some takeout from "Typhoon", which is the name of a place in Santa Monica that will serve you, among other things, grasshoppers and ants. Or maybe it was "Taiphoon", since they seemed to be ordering mostly Thai food. The writers were a little obvious where they were going when Kirsten exclaimed "That's enough for a small army". Maybe you should invite some people over Kirsten, which is exactly what they did, or at least what they had Ryan and Seth do.

It turns out that Lindsay is with her mom, but it gives Seth plenty of time to get to the Bait Shop and ask Alex, who seems a little nervous. Seth asks her to come and have dinner with his parents, which she would love to do, but has to, you know, manage the club. OK, so that didn't happen, it was way too straightforward and simple for them to use on the show. Actually, the real reason Alex was hesitant was that her ex was in town. And to make things a little more awkward, it turns out that Alex and her ex never really broke up, which is the reason why she is there in the first place. Yes, I said she. Although Seth didn't stick around to find out, we learn that Alex's ex is a girl named Jodi. I am not sure what Jodi was away from Alex in the first place, but she must of learned her days as Jamie Lynn Discala's body double might have never materialized.

The next day, we see that Sandy and Kirsten are having a little bit of an intimate moment. Kirsten is great when you can't see her gross sternum and all the ribs attached whenever she wears a low cut dress. She gives Sandy a bit of a message, and then tells him she needs some ideas to change the image of the Newport group into one that is more respected. Sandy, showing that Berkeley is still alive and well inside his body, suggests building some low-income housing. Kirsten thinks it's a great idea, but when she gets to the CEO's office, Julie reveals that she has decided to take the matter into her own hands and create Newport Living, a lifestyle magazine with the sole purpose of promoting Julie Cooper the Newport Group. Sandy and Caleb aren't too thrilled, so they all decide that they are going to create a united front and face her together.

Back at Harbor, Seth is still thinking about Alex's ex at school. He is still imagining Alex's ex as some sort of ex-con that would kick his ass at with no trouble at all. Perhaps he doesn't understand that anybody in the school could kick his ass. He should just stop worry about an possible pounding, and just get his bruising out of the way early. Lindsay is also freaking out about an ex, namely Marissa Cooper. She knows that Marissa and Ryan have a history, and she is beginning to worry that their breakup might simply be a phase.

For Summer, her problems with Zach continue. Although teenage girls around the country melted(Awwwwww!) when Zach brought her a cupcake in celebration of their six month anniversary before then asking her to a romantic dinner, Summer really has an itch to be scratched. To make matters worse, she has never been in a relationship for as long as she has with Zach, which is plenty to make you nervous.

Ryan, since he is perfect in every way, tries to play like the UN and get Lindsay and Marissa to be friends. They can all just "hang out". Why Ryan believes he can do the "hang out" with his ex and his new significant other, I have no idea. Seth tried, and he failed. Ryan circa early season 1 would have had enough of a spine to realize that the two should never mix, by season two Ryan's standards, they should all be friends, so he tells Lindsay to sit with Summer and Marissa at lunch while he attends an emergency comic book club meeting.

Now, some of you might think that the funny part coming out of that sequence would be the emergency comic book meeting, but you would be wrong. Marissa and Summer brought back some burgers and fries from In and Out for their lunch. If you don't live on the west coast or haven't watched The Big Lebowski, In and Out is a very famous burger place. Summer and Marissa brought back what looked to be Double Doubles with cheese. Lindsay stared in awe as she found out that Marissa didn't need to exercise to keep her figure, while Lindsay herself struggled with "The Zone". I nearly fell out of my chair watching Mischa Barton pretend to eat her burger. She didn't even put anything into her mouth the first time, but maybe that was because she supposed to deliver a line. Still, some PA had to take a few bites out of the sandwhich, because in the next shot, their are two big pieces missing. The writers are trying to be so authentic, you would think that one of them would realize that these girls are much more likely to go to some vegetarian/vegan place. Think Urth Cafe and Real Food Daily, or their wannabes. I will say that Mischa managed to grab a few pickles when she went in for a second bite(Tivo slow-mo confirmed), but there is still no way in hell Marissa and Summer make In and Out a pastime.

While the girls ate lunch, Seth was looking for girl advice from his comic book club. Even though most of the guys in the room hadn't scene female genitalia since their moms gave birth to them, Seth went on their advice to call Alex and explain that he is sorry for freaking out. Luckily, Ryan and Zach convinced him that would be a huge douchebag move. Seth was desperate to get some information about the ex, so Ryan tells him that he will go over, and scope the place out while pretending to be there to take Seth's paycheck. When he is there, Ryan sees Jodi and realizes he is the ex, and for some reason decides that he must hide this fact from Seth. In the process of this, Zach comes over to read some comic books to make him feel better about Summer, who ditched his plan for a romantic evening for a girls' night out instead. This inspires the guys to do their own night out without the girls, just for spite.

As Ryan is driving Lindsay over to Marissa's for the girls' night out, they start talking about his relationship with Mischa. Ryan said that "they just connected" in a way that has never happened before, until he met Lindsay of course. I just can't wait until Lindsay finds out that Ryan got a girl pregnant, and then the girl faked a miscarriage. A single mom with a child that doesn't know her father, Lindsay can relate. Seriously, Lindsay and Theresa are going to meet before the year is out, perhaps around the time Theresa is supposed to give birth. She should be hella preggers right about now, correct?

Anyway, Ryan drops Lindsay off at Marissa's, and you know it is going to be a good night because Marissa pulled out her best Michael Flatley top for the occasion. What the hell was going on with that thing? It looked like after Rod Roddy died, they took his jackets and made them into haute couture. It's not hard to imagine how strange it must have been for Lindsay and Marissa to spend so much time together, especially considering there was no way to break the ice. See, Lindsay doesn't drink, so Marissa is already at a disadvantage when it comes to finding a subject to talk about. She didn't even try and give Lindsay the Newport makeover with lots of makeup and a slutty top. What kind of girls' night out can you have without the makeover of the dowdy outsider? Why won't the writers follow the rules?

The guys aren't exactly having a blast without them. Although Ryan suggested that they might go to Los Angeles or Vegas or Tiajuana , Zach and Seth simply want to play video games. What kind of weak guys' night out is this? If you are going to stay in at least call up a stripper or something.

Part of the reason I have so much trouble with the Bait Shop is that the place cannot exist legally or even hypothetically. There is never going to be a club that allows people under the age of 18 to regularly enter that would also serve alcohol and be managed by somebody who is also under 18. And I am starting to get sick of the parade of endless whiny white guys that appear on stage every week. OK, you are indie, I GET IT. I would suggest that perhaps somebody like G-Unit, The Game, or Black Eyed Peas show up (after all, the white suburban kids love their hip hop), but the fact that none of them have appeared probably says more for their chances at long term legitimacy than anything else.

So, the girls get whisked away to this VIP section, and things are so painfully awkward that Lindsay finally suggests that they open up Marissa's flask and everybody have at it. Lindsay, being the lightweight is sure to get hammered, of course, and so after awhile, Summer steps out to get some coffee. Earlier, on a tonic water quest, Marissa saw Alex and overheard her talking about her relationship with Jodi, then saved her out of an argument. Summer didn't see Alex, but instead saw a water polo teammate of Zach's named Marr. It turns out Zach let EVERYBODY know that it was their sixth month anniversary. Why would the guys care? Well, Matt said the water polo guys were "very sensative" and liked "non-fat lattés". I made the second part up, but the first statement was true, and explained a lot about what was going with Zach and Summer.

Back with the grownups, Kirsten, Sandy, and Caleb are about to confront Julie with the idea. Caleb and Sandy are behind getting rid of the magazine, but in a strange twist of fate, Kirsten ran the numbers and said that it would be a good idea. This led to a blowup where Sandy stormed off and Julie accused Caleb of not rushing to her defense. You see, Julie had done so much to defend Caleb during his time of need, there was an ample reason for some reciprocation. The fight between Sandy and Kirsten didn't last long, perhaps because Kirsten was too drunk to argue, and Sandy said he would support Kirsten in whatever way is possible. Yes, the adults kind of sucked this episode, but I could leave them out.

It wasn't hard to imagine that the guys would eventually get sick of their video games/non-strippers and decided to head to the Bait Shop. When Ryan was a little too eager to keep Seth and Zach away, Seth asks Ryan what he is hiding. Ryan reveals the little thing about Jodi and the female ex of his girlfriend, and the guys rush over just in time to see Summer talking to Matt and Lindsay stone cold drunk. Zach sees his teammate, gets really upset at Summer, and it seems like they might break up. I knew he had nothing to worry about because Matt was absolutely flaming. But don't worry, this is the OC. I kind of like this couple, so I was happy to see them end the night later that evening bumping into each other in a diner and sharing a milkshake. When Summer said earlier "If he is not the guy for me, I don't know who is", she was right.

Zach may have been a bit jealous, but his rage is nowhere close to what Ryan is feeling. He grabs Lindsay out and decides they are going to take a walk on the beach. During the walk, Lindsay gets a little sloppy and Ryan decides that he is going to get her something to make her feel better? Anti-nausea medicine you say? No, of course not. Ryan decides to get her some coffee and fries, because nothing is better than a jittery drunk who wakes up in the middle of the night and vomits all over his bed because that food didn't settle. As bad as it is to think that coffee will somehow make a drunk sober up more quickly is the idea that you should leave somebody with so little experience drinking on the beach where she could be swept in.

Indeed, when Ryan came back, there was no Lindsay, only her purse and jacket by the ocean. Ryan realizes his mistake and jumps in the ocean, screaming, which works so well for finding drunk people who are under in water. All of my disdain for Ryan fades quickly when we learn from Seth that they had found Lindsay drunk and took her into Alex's office. Now my disdain is for the jerks that will pick up a passed out girl, but doesn't think to take their purse should they need it later. If I am ever passed out, I really wonder if I'll ever see my wallet again, so I know how it feels when you anxiously are searching for your ID, pants, or shirt, and they are nowhere to be found.

Ryan storms into Alex's office and immediately goes into full preach mode. Sometimes these scenes are tough because between Mischa and Ben, they really go over the top in some of these emotional scenes. This one went pretty well, if for nothing more than both Mischa and Alex didn't let Ryan's sanctimonious bitching get the better of them.

Ryan and Seth first head home, but then realize they both overreacted. Ryan yelled at Marissa, and Seth had earlier blow up in front of Alex about her past with Jodi. They get to Alex's house, and Ryan apologizes to Marissa, while Seth apologizes to Alex. It seems like everything is going to be back to normal, but there is something different. Marissa has been noticing Alex all day, and is clearly attracted to her. While watching a horror movie, Alex grabs a blanket and they both share a look. You know, the look that says "Yeah, I could go for some of that".

Yes, we all know what is in store for Marissa in the coming weeks. It is going to be interesting to see what happens, and TVgasm will be there to give you all of the gory details when things go down.

"Hey!" Count: Episode - 17, Season Total - 107 [thanks for the reminder Lexx]

Flying The Friendly Skies

It's a small, small world. This evening, I went to pick up my friend at LAX, and guess who just happened to be there as well? None other than abusive couple du jour, Jonathan Baker and Victoria Fuller from The Amazing Race. Imagine my delight/disgust. Well, what to do? I couldn't talk to them, lest a torrent of putrid vomit spew forth from my mouth. But I couldn't just LEAVE. So I did the next best thing: whip out my camera phone and invade their privacy!

At first I was going to do the ole fakeout - "Hey guys! I'm a big fan! Can I get a photo of you?" but once again, that whole puke thing sort of kicked in. Instead, I pulled a nifty stalker move by sidling up next to Victoria and pretending to be talking on my phone. Little did she know that I was clicking away, hoping that I'd capture her before she moved elsewhere. After about a dozen beautiful shots of the baggage claim ceiling, I managed to snag one solid profile shot (seen above).

So what were my impressions? Victoria - gotta admit, she looks great in person. We all know skin has not been her forte on the Race, but I would be a liar if I said she had not tackled that problem head on (okay, so she put on some makeup. It helps!). Jonathan - short and fussy looking. Pacing around like a little rat on a cell phone, Jonathan barked orders at someone on the other line as he zipped from carousel to carousel.

Maybe he was just a little cranky from his flight. Turns out the passenger I was picking up was avid TVgasm reader Jash who just so happened to be sitting in front of Team JV the entire flight. His saga after the jump:

so i am on my american airlines flight from JFK to LAX this evening, and thought i had seen a victoria look alike around the boarding gate prior to departure. but since i am from new york and dont give a damn about famous people, i didnt care to follow up. WELL, later on my flight i had one too many vodka sodas (with lemon) and had to make a run to the bathroom. the line to the business class (natch) lavs was about 5 people deep. i didnt think anything of the short man in front of me until some blonde from the first row of coach yelled to the man and he responded "i got it victoria." got what? i dont know...coke?

the voice was unmistakable. yes, HE was right there IN THE FLESH, WITH HIS WIFE!! i wanted to punch him. but i didnt. passive agression is always the better choice. when the flight attendant walked by and asked us all to not wait in such a long line, i motioned pointing to jonathan that he was in the business class cabin bathroom line. the flight attendant took the opportunity to remind him that he should use the lavs in his ticketed class. HA! meanwhile i used the lav and had another vodka soda (had to have a reason to see them again right?) and victoria is a fan of crosswords.

So you heard it here first. Jonathan Baker is a Business Class lavatory squatter. Well, squat as in trespass, not poop. Well, maybe poop. Who knows.

This run-in ranks as the second high profile villain encounter for the TVgasm folks. Last summer, we bumped into Big Brother villain Jase Wirey just days after his elimination also. Lesson learned: we attract sucky people. Fantastic.

Oh, and here's Jash's picture of me sneaking a picture of Victoria. Just take our word for it.

Okay, Estelle Getty wasn't there. But the rest is real!

American Idol: Highlights from St. Louis, Misery

By Michelle Collins

American Idol is really delivering the addictive goods this week, following last night’s two-hour premiere with yet another hour of auditions from St. Louis, Missouri, Home of the Arch and Three TJ Maxx’s.

The episode begins with your typical montage of all the thousands of morons who camped outside for a week only to learn that they have zero talent. We see that today, newly-less-fat-but-still-somehow-soft Randy is wearing pink loafers. Gastric bypass surgery or no, he still is not “light in them.”

First up, we have a “Triple Threat” in the form of the Maynard Triplets. Fresh from having their faces bronzed, they somehow manage to wear the most ill-fitting pink minidresses Sears has to offer. But no more being mean to the Maynard girls, because I happen to like them. They’ve chosen to harmonize “It’s Raining Men”, a song that really brings the gay man in me back to his bathhouse days. Believe it or not, these three ladies can lay the track down! If Bill Clinton was watching this, he was no doubt aroused, as there is something about these girls that brings to mind a genius idea for a musical called “Lewinsky!” Can you imagine the reviews? “Lewinsky! Sucks!”; “Lewinsky! Blows!”; “Lewinsky! Bones A Cigar!” On second thought, what about a show called “The Linda Tripp-lets”? Don’t get up, I’ll kill my own self, thanks.

Back to the Triplets. Simon, bastard that he is, tells them that they’re overweight. And here’s where I get angry. Because, yes, they may have biggish faces, and yes, they chose bad outfits, but these three girls are most definitely NOT fat. Let us not forget, America, that the winner last year, Ruben “Man Teet” Studdard, was a 400-pounder named after a corned-beef-and-cheese sandwich.

The judges dismiss two of the sisters and keep the one in the middle, who had the best voice of the three. Alas, they decide she’s not right for the competition, and send her on her way. Shame, really, cause I happened to like them.

Next up, it’s Katrina Rece, an actual overweight woman who starts off her audition by admitting to eating human flesh, which she says “tastes like bacon.” I’m sure the Hormel marketing people just loooooved that. Katrina begins her high-pitched rendition of “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” (sometimes, for fun, try gallivanting around your home in your finest gown singing “I Wanna Prance with Somebody.” Really, it’s fun.)

Now I don’t know if Katrina can sing, but damn can homegirl snap! Her snaps are crisp and evenly spaced. I found myself humming her snaps all day today. Her voice is high-pitched and mediocre. Simon passes, but offers to introduce her to the triplets because “she can eat them.” Hey Simon? Someone called “Double Chin Lift” is on line 3, and they say it’s an emergency. (whispering: I think he’s Chinese.) You better take the call, you two-faced bastard. Paula, always a lady, doesn’t laugh.

Next up, the camera follows Ryan Seacrest to a Cardinal’s game, where we see him throw out the first pitch. If muppets could throw, this would be how. Although, as my mother used to say, if my Grandmother had wheels, she’d be a bus. No idea how that relates, but just good advice in general.

In keeping with the baseball theme, the son of Cardinal Hall of Famer Ozzie Smith, appropriately named Osborne Smith, has decided to audition. Thankfully, he doesn’t completely suck. In fact, he’s adorable. I’ll even forgive him for telling the judges he’s “chillin’ like a villain.” Everyone knows it’s “chillin’ like Bob Dylan”, Ozzy.

Ah, but they must always follow a good with a bad. And Johnny Hayes brings the bad, and he brings it hard. Have you ever heard the phrase “having a tin ear”? This guy must have two cans of corn stuck in his waxy canals, because every single note is off. I’m half expecting puke or even an entire turd to pop out of his mouth at any given moment. Sadly, this does not happen.

People like Angel Higgs remind me that the age limit was raised to 28. She is a singing teacher, and is trying out for the show along with one of her students. She seems like a big ball of matronly fun, and is, to say the least, pumped. Her song is “Ain’t Nobody”, and she has a good enough voice, although I think the Triplets were better. (Note: I am still upset about the whole Triplets situation.) Angel is very vibrato-ey. It sounds like she’s singin’ on a Motel 6 bed after her lovah popped a 25 cent piece in the box that makes the bed shake. Simon doesn’t think she’s a star, and for once, he’s right. But she manages to squeeze herself through the Hollywood door before it slams in her face.

Jessica Pontius says she is a “singer” who has “the confidence” and “the look” to make it. Uh, last I checked, JP, the look wasn’t a mouth full of teeth meant for a 10 month old baby. Seriously, picture the face of a sweet 16 year old with the mouth of a hobo clown, and you can pretty much figure out what she looks like. She breaks new ground by singing “Over the Rainbow” and -- hold on -- Farinelli! Castrati! Her voice is so hiiiigh! Any dog within a 2 mile radius must have been losing its she-ite. The judges stifle laughter, and Paula tells her she should get into voiceover work. Somehow the judges, who make it clear that they’ve been sitting there ALL. DAY. lose their face off with laughter by explaining how hard it is “to get an agent who does rat voices!” Through their cackling, a dejected Jessica walks out and begins planning her public hanging.

This next guy was so annoying, I almost debated not bringing him up at all. But a job is a job. In walks this tanned, balding douchebag (no offense to ya’ll other douchebags out there, really) named Joe Schoen. He has “the whole package”, which, upon closer inspection, appears to be only about a 4-inch package. And, Clay Aiken aside, that’s not enough to “make it” in Simon’s book. Joe begins this entiiiiirely rehearsed speech about his “experience”, which includes some reporter work and singing (once) on a cruise ship. Note how he doesn’t bring up those back-alley handjobs the Schoen family is famous for (or so I hear).

He begins his song by opening his mouth so wide, he nearly swallows himself. Joe’s face reminds me of some scary antique German doll, his cheekbones and nose forming three perfect, golden points. Listen, Joe, if this whole “Idol” thing doesn’t work out, I hear the Aryan Nation is looking for someone to host their weekly cabaret show, “The White Power Hour.” When he finishes, Randy says it was “nicely done”, but Simon correctly pegs him down as a cruise ship singer. The guy flips his male-patterned lid, and insists he should make it through. Simon calls him “obnoxious”, and throws him out. Joe exits the room, and throwing his arms to his side, says “No! It’s a no!” like totally incredulously. In the background, a member of his fam quietly begins to fold the $300 “Congratulations!” banner they had made. But don’t throw it out! I hear the Klan loves banners.

Justin Smith shows up in a janitor’s uniform and a sweatband. This guy’s heart just beats “Pizazz! Pizazz! Pizazz!” He sings “Rollin’ on the River”, only I think this guy might have been “rollin” on something else, because something with him just didn’t seem right. With every beat of the song, Justin would stomp his feet and clap his hands with such gusto that my own hands started to sting. In between the stomping and clapping, he also managed to not only “Doo Doo Brown”, but also have an epileptic seizure, all while barely hitting a note. Justin Smith, Renaissance Man.

Perfect time for a “Proud Mary” montage, which includes some pretty hilarious characters: A guy who probably got lost on the way to Star War convention (or “Starcon”, don’t ask me why I know that), a man choosing to speak the words instead of sing them (including the “do do do’s”), and a transsexual who I’m betting is a tiger in the sack.

Aa’shia (P-row’nownsced Asia) Jackson is Michael Jackson’s tiny lesbian brother. But this lil’ lass has got spunk! And cornrows! And, yes, I think breasts somewhere under there! Aa’shia begins and sounds exactly like a chipmunk on speed. But of all the people seen so far, she’s the most memorable. They take her to Hollywood, and she maintains her composure in the room. Then the doors fly open and all hell breaks loose. “THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!” she cries, and her entourage rejoices. Her mother guarantees us “that she will be the next American Idol.” Something tells me I already want my money back.

Moustachioed Maurice Thomas swears he sounds like Brian McKnight. But surely he doesn’t mean the famous singer Brian McKnight. Perhaps he works with a man named Brian McKnight who has a cleft palate. Yes, yes that makes sense. When the judges tell him that “it’s a no”, he keeps on smiling in disbelief, as if they can get real now, the joke is over. When he learns that the judges are serious, he tries again, singing a song while somehow not pronouncing a single word. It’s more like what a dying cat would sound like if cats could speak English. Paula nearly shoots liquid out of her plastered nose. He’s out.

Highlight of the night alert! Carrie Underwood is your typical farmgirl, only she looks like Kate Hudson and has a voice you could die for. She sings “I Can’t Make You Love Me”, with Simon undressing her with his eyes much in the same way he used to do with former guest judge Neil Sedaka. And to quote The Great Sedaka, Carrie Underwood is “Ear Delicious!” One to watch, people.

Remember Angela, the semi-OK singing teacher who made it to Hollywood? Well now it’s her student Jeremy Wakefield’s shot at fame. He bounds into the room, and breaks out into “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg”. Jeremy Wakefield has a good voice. Unfortunately, it’s hard to focus on his voice with the amount of bobbing and weaving he’s doing. I pause to take Dramamine intravenously, and tune back in. Randy tells him to sing another song “less affected.” He says “No problem”, and you can tell that Jeremy has no idea what Randy is talking about. He starts the next song with double the gusto, and Simon stops him to say “no, no, no… LESS affected.” But the judges aren’t impressed and send him home.

Jeremy exits the room, and when teacher/still-in-the-running Angel sees that he won’t be going with her to Hollywood, she loses. her. shit. Angel starts crying her face off! It’s as if she just found out about Luther Vandross’s coma ALL OVER AGAIN. She slides down the wall, sits on the floor, and is inconsolable. She begins beating herself up about auditioning and taking away a potential spot from Jeremy, who, thankfully, seems pretty reasonable about the rejection. Here’s hoping she sobs her way through a rendition of Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy” in an upcoming episode.

An appropriate title for the final chapter of this episode is “Adam Met Durk.” And if ever the editors of this show figured out how to link up the two most idiotic, unattractive doofuses to ever audition for Idol, God bless ‘em, they did it. These two are down like syndrome. How to describe? HEAVY SIGH. Well, Adam looks kinda like Wayne from The Wonder Years, although at other times he brings to mind Jared the Subway guy. He is so confident that he will appeal to America, I begin to wonder if he thinks “America” is actually the Biology Department at a school for the mentally handicapped. On second thought, I really need to give the mentally handicapped some more credit here.

The other one, Dirk Pearman, is extremely overweight, and is a self-described “Comedian”. He tells the camera he doesn’t want to be the “next William Hung,” and I grab my dictionary to paste a picture of Dirk under “Self-Fulfilling Prophecy”.

Dirk tell the judges that he watches Baywatch obsessively because he loves David Hasselhoff. Excuse me for a moment. (Phone dialing.) “Yes, hello, Germany? It’s me. You can have both of them. Smell ya later.” For a moment, I wonder if Dirk is in fact a genius, as this could be the most brilliant audition ever. Alas, he is just mentally unstable. He actually has TWO rows of teeth, and almost looks like an overfed, brain-dead piranha. Simon wants to know if he is auditioning seriously. When he claims that he is, the judges dismiss him. As Dirk leaves the room, I notice he is wearing a digital calculator watch UNIRONICALLY.

Next comes in his bestie Adam, who arrives by giving some sort of gang sign, and saying “Hey, what’s goin’ down dawg?” Too bad he didn’t forgo this audition for a shot at the lead in “Napoleon Dynamite”, cause he’s practically a shoe-in. Then Adam tells Paula that his first music memory was of her video for “Opposites Attract”, which I’m guessing is also the first thing he likely masturbated to. He begins his song, and I just don’t. understand. why people put themselves into harms way. When the judges break the news that he is completely tone deaf, he looks crushed. Shoulders slumped, he exits, and in a hilarious post-rejection montage, we hear “That’s What Friends Are For” while Dirk and Adam barely punch fists and miss high fives in slow-motion.

One more episode down, 758 more to go. Next week, Kiss’s Gene Simmons takes a break from negotiating his fee for The Surreal Life 5 in order to ogle some 15 year olds.

Three Up, Three Down

In case you missed the ending of last week's Real World, let me recap: complete and utter chaos broke out when the cast discovered they'd be heading to Fiji for their STA Travel vacation. Screaming, hugging, crying, humping, drinking, and then fighting ensued. Is this really what the world needs? Do we dare let these people run loose on tranquil Fiji, potentially spreading their seed and threatening the local ecosystems? I think vacation in Bunim/Murray world should mean a dark cell in a subterranean fortress. I guess that wouldn't be very interesting. But what if we leave a piece of cheese and a bowie knife? Now we're talking!

Sadly, at the outset of this week's episode, it appeared as though no devious schemes involving close quarters and cutlery would be coming to fruition. Instead, MTV and the roomies had different plans: skinny dipping! Now don't start scouring this site for salacious screencaps. All this talk about swimming in the buff surfaced before we had even left Philly. Surprisingly enough, Shavonda spearheaded the Pro Skinny Dipping resolution, and as Landon and others packed their bags, she all but stuck a clipboard and signup sheet in everyone's face, asking if they were "up for skinny dipping?" Yes, nothing says spontaneous fun like a carefully orchestrated frolic in the sea. Normally, when you think of skinny dipping, you think of free-flowing booze, lost inhibitions, and spontaneous antics. Who else fears this Fiji trip will wind up with Shavonda blowing a whistle and yelling "Landon! Clothes - off! NOW! GET IN THE WATER!!! Who's next? SARAH!!! I don't have all day people!"

Of course, Shavonda was able to use this whole skinny dipping proposition as a platform to talk about herself. "I'm living life as Shavonda, not Shavonda and Shaun," she explained. I'd personally like to see her live as Shavonda and Shaun, only because the arguments with herself would be priceless. Okay, well, I guess she was being a little more figurative than that. Shavonda proved that she was ready for independence by... calling up Shaun and asking for his permission to skinny dip? Are you kidding me? Many flags popping up here. 1) Shavonda's going to do it anyway; so why bother ask for her boyfriend's input? Oh that's right. Now she can get mad at him later on when he expresses disappointment. 2) Why does Shaun object to the skinny dipping when his girlfriend already lives in a house with communal showers, infrared cameras, and a built in audience of a few million people?

Luckily, all Shaun/Shavonda drama was kept at a minimum as the producers clearly did not want to waste any valuable airtime that could go to cutaway shots of crabs, waves, and palm trees later on. The next morning, everyone arose early to catch the flight. MJ commented that they were going to be flying longer than they work in a week. Honestly, a commuter flight to Pittsburgh would last longer than their work week.

The kids all piled into an airport shuttle that looked eerily like their Philadelphia Soul transport. Could it be that the company was eagerly sending the roommates out of the country - a corporate gesture on par with brushing dirt under the carpet? Probably not, but feel free to spread that rumor. With all the burgeoning excitement in the vehicle, Willie decided to leave his mark on the episode by pulling out some random passive aggression on Karamo. "This is the first road trip Karamo's been on time for! Ha ha ha," joked Willie. At this point Melanie laughed to herself: "Using up all your PA before getting to Fiji? Amateur..."

Eventually everyone made their way to the airport, and based on the footage of the plane taking off, it appears as though Philly has suddenly become mountainous and littered with palm trees. Question: do scabies count as a carry on? Anyway, upon arrival at the beautiful island destination, Shavonda informed us that "everyone says 'Boola!'" which means "hello!" Actually, it probably means "Go away, heathen!" but whatever.

The buddies all motored in to their island getaway on a little boat which was promptly attacked by a tribe of natives. Seriously. Well, sort of seriously. Apparently Bunim/Murray had borrowed some of Survivor's leftover native actors to scare/entertain the white folk. Was I the only one who became intensely excited to see a tribesman charging Landon with a spear? Alas, this Disney version of a siege quickly devolved into laughter and "Boola!"s as the once proud warriors scuttled to help the kids find their accommodations.

Ah, the unbridled beauty of Fiji. If there ever was a time to embrace nature, this would be it. "The sunset is going to be so pretty here," said a wistful Willy. Hey, you're on the Real World. Stop appreciating your surroundings! "We're going to the bar!" Shavonda responded, quickly putting an end to Willie's silly ramblings. That's more like it!

That night, after the sun had gone down, Sarah suddenly remembered that she had the carefully manufactured image of a slut to fulfill. You see, she came into the season announcing how sexual she was, but as far as we can tell, her most exciting Saturday night so far was when she cleaned the house and fought with Landon. Rule of thumb with Real World cast members: they are always exactly the opposite of what they portend to be. Trishelle: I'm such a sweet girl! (slut). Sarah: I'm such a slut! (Where's my vibrator?).

And so this brings us to the mighty escapades of Sarah in Fiji as she desperately tried to be the slut she always dreamt she could be. Turns out three British teenagers were also hanging around the resort, most likely having one of those homoerotic coming of age stories that European cinema loves so much. Horny Sarah decided to prey on British guy #1 - a.k.a. Freddie. Why him? He had good teeth for a British guy, said Sarah. And honestly, isn't that all you can ask for? We never got a good view of Freddie's orthodontically approved mouth, but we'll just assume "good for a British guy" meant about four or five straight, un-eroded teeth.

Sarah immediately got to work with Freddie, giving him longing stares and thrusting her surgically enhanced heaving bosom his way. It was all so romantic, what with the cameras and sound people right there, not to mention the frequent yells of "Boola!" in the background. Man, these people really like to say hello. Eventually, Sarah seduced Freddie into her island hut, but this international affair was short lived as the two emerged shortly after. Her crooked tube top and the unopened condom on the floor suggested that Freddie's erection quickly deflated upon viewing Sarah's silicon orbs of desire.

How does that old saying go? If at first you fail, try try again? Well, time for the second "try" of that expression. To Sarah's credit, she was very forthright about her mission. Bitch just wants to get laid. Can't fault her for that. Nevertheless, Sarah quickly pounced on Freddie' friend, literally only known as "British guy #2." This young bloke seemed up for the challenge, and when Sarah trapped him in her hut of vaginal bliss, we thought our resident nymph had finally found Mr. Right.

Enter Shavonda, the reigning cockblock of the season. In typical fashion, Shavonda knocked gently on the hut door, claiming she needed to get something. Dammit, girl! Sarah's been looking for some action all season. Wait ten minutes! Oh, but I forgot. Shavonda's living as Shavonda, not Shavonda and Sarah. She needs those breath mints!

Well, Shavonda entered and in a flurry of activity, British Guy #2 sprinted out of Sarah's sexual prison faster than Britney Spears at a corndog festival. Exactly what is Sarah doing in there? Luring them with the promise of Mel's scabies?

Continuing her work as the Fijian Queen of the cockblock, Shavonda's next target was none other than drunken moppet Landon. The two convened for a dependably boring stroll along the beach where they marveled in the wonder of astronomy: "The moon is lit from below!" exclaimed Landon. Yes, it's almost like he was at a different "latitude" or in a separate, how do you say, "hemisphere"! Amazing! Lunar bombshells aside, the two plopped their asses down in the sand and had a heart to heart where Landon slurred his way through some uninspired observations about who knows what. How's that five beer max going? Way to kick the habit! Later, Landon pulled a kitchen knife out of his back pocket and threatened to shiv a palm tree.

Elsewhere, Grendel's Mom — I mean, Sarah — found prey in Brit #3. It's always a bad sign when your have to enumerate your booty calls. The two snuggled on the beach and later made out, but once again, Sarah announced that they did not have sex. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear someone singing "'Cause it's one, two, three strikes you're out at the old baaalll gaaaame!"

The next morning, Melanie was oh so kind to tell Sarah that all the British guys think she's a slut. We didn't get to actually see this exchange, but the footage of Sarah shuffling away dejectedly let us know that Mel had just leveled her with her PA cannon. "I'm just looking out for Sarah," Mel explained to Landon, as she watched her latest victim skulk off with Willie for the inevitable bitch session. Sure enough, that's exactly what they did as they tanned by the waves. Willie thought they were having a heart to heart, but little did he know that Sarah was merely offering up her body to Spongebob, lest he emerge from the deep.

That night, the clan participated in a local ritual involving dancing and singing and other stuff that would give Jeff Probst a boner. Landon gabbed about how wonderful it was, describing the natives as bestowing them with "weird signs of affection." Or "traditional customs" as they might call it. Landon then asked where the Fijian McDonalds was because he was a bit turned off by the "wacky not-Big Macs."

After the evening's activities, Mel cozied up with British guys 1, 2, and 3, much to Sarah's displeasure. This led to an emergency bitchfest back at the hut where Sarah, Shavonda, and Landon let loose on why Earth would be better without Melanie. Luckily, some production assistant probably fetched Melanie with the line "You forgot your, uh, thing in your hut," because after just a few minutes of the bashing, Melanie popped in the door with her heavily promoted line, "So, were ya talkin' 'bout me?" Actually, yes. Sarah and Mel had a useless heart to heart which was laced with little pearls of passive aggression. It seemed like no matter what Sarah said, Melanie's response was "Oh, I'm SO sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you... But you did hook up with three guys last night, just saying."

Meanwhile, in the straight guy's hut, Shavonda and Landon smooched under the covers while MJ aired out his omnipresent armpit. In case you actually thought Shavonda was going to give up her cockblocking ways, you'd be wrong. After a decent amount of liplocking, she suddenly sprung from the bed and returned to her Maison de Celibacy (aka - the hut she shared with Sarah). Blast! Foiled again!

The next morning, the roomies upgraded from their rustic accommodations to a more swanky resort elsewhere in Fiji. While Karamo happily embraced his giant bed, Melanie and Sarah attempted to reconcile once again. There was a lot of "I feel..." and "I feel like you feel..." and "I didn't know you felt that way" and "Do you ever feel..." Finally, Mel made the most logical point of all: let's not waste our vacation with this. It was as if a light bulb had gone off and both sprung from their chairs and ambled into the hotel. Mel looked like she was about to give Sarah a hug, but the editors cut away, lest we think everything was resolved.

Somehow, I think we'll be in for more bickering. After all, this is The Real World. People don't go on vacation to have fun. Bring on Royal Rumble 2005!

His Will Be Done

Rest assured, this post will have no spoilers. It will have no spoilers, primarily cause I can barely keep up with what is happening as I am watching in on an episode to episode basis. Last night on Lost, the WTF-Factor was runnig at about an 9.5, as we watched a divorced polar bear get hit by a car while reading Claires diary...damn this show is confusing.

The formula has remained the same, as I mentioned last week and still applicable this week "Focus on one characters journey on the island to find themselves. Intercut that with flashbacks of their lives in the days an weeks leading up to the island. Sprinkle in a dash of Hurley saying something funny beginning with 'Dude.' And then end it with some incredibly vague final note that could quite possibly mean just about anything."

Last night the focus was on father of the year Michael and his extraordinary son Walt....and boy was his story F'd up. The man we have gotten to know as a distant father who didnt want anything to do with his son emerged tonight as the goddamn father of the year.

At the top of the show Michael is looking for Walt only to find him with resident creepster, Locke. But before you start to worry, they werent being dangerous they were merely throwing knifes so it's cool. The first throw completely misses the tree, but when Locke tells Walt to picture it in his minds eye hitting the tree, guess what?? It hit the tree! nuts huh? Michael once again warned Locke to stay away from his kid to which Locke suggested he stop treating Walt like a kid and let the island be his entry to manhood, like a bar mitzvah only without the gifts. Or the religion. Or the temple. Or toilet paper. Locke and his new goon Boone, wind up going their way, while Walt and Mike go the other. That makes this the perfect time for.......

....FLASHBACK!

A younger, less goateed Michael is standing in front of a baby's crib with his pregnant girlfriend, who won't marry him (she just doesn't believe in marriage). The couple, as most young couples do, dream of the future. Michael is so in love with his girlfriend and child, he works while she is pregnant then the plan is for her to finish law school make sick money and support the family.

The next flashback now has Michael and his girlfriend discussing her moving to Amsterdam for work...without Michael, but with Walt. Michael is pissed. He doesn't want her to go and certainly doesn't want her to take Walt. She reminds him they talked about spending time apart and when he tries to put his foot down, she points out that they aren't married. She's Walts mother and gainfully employed, the courts would rule in her favor. OH SNAPS!

Shortly before Walts 2nd birthday, Michael, seemingly down and out, calls Amerdam from a payphone. The ex suggests he calls back, it's not a good time blah blah blah, but Michael hears a mans voice in the background. Then its revealed she's been seeing someone. Fuckin Women! Michael is going to Amsterdam! He slams the phone down and crosses the street determined to fly to Amsterdam. And fly he did. About 6 feet when a small sedan smashes into him.

Which puts him here. In a wheel chair for months. If his story isn't reason for birth conrtol, I don't know what is. While he sits in his wheelchair drawing a picture for his 2 year old son, who appears but his ex. She feels guilty for what has happened and demands to pay for the medical bills. Which really is sweet. Oh, she came to pay for the bills and have Mike sign custody over to Brad her fiance. Oh did I not mention shes decided to get married now? To the guy who hired her in Amsterdam? Oh that and her new guy, Brad, wants to adopt Michaels son. I am assuming that they edited the part when she tips over his wheel chair and kicks him in the spleen while he's down.

The next flashback we see is one of Walts not Michaels. Now living in Australia with his mom and Brad, Walt is studying the local birds and trying to get his moms attention to show a photo of a cool bird in his book. Sadly, she is too busy being carressed to notice. At the heat of his frustration there is a thud at the window. Brad and Walt walk over and see a bird (the same bird Walt was looking at in the book) dead on the ground. That'll teach the birds to let Walts mom flirt with her husband. Brad gives Walt a look worthy of a bad Twilight Zone episode.

A now healed and back on his feet Michael is chilling in his apartment when there is a knock at the door. It's Brad. AKWARD. He comes bearing bad news. Hes wife, Walts mom, is dead. Michael invites Brad in. Turns out she had a rare blood disorder was sick for less than a week and then died. In a move that took a lot of sac, Brad asks Michael to take Walt back. He never wanted the kid in the first place, he only adopted Walt to get the girl. Such Moxy!! He gives Michael a plane ticket and begs him to take Walt back, we mentions Walt is different than other kids. There's something off about him.

Michael is now in Australia to meet Walt and take him back. When he is given a box of things that Walts mom kept for him. Walt refuses to go anywhere with Michael. They havent ever met and Walt has a dad, Brad. Michael, rather than defend himself by calling those sad sacks out, actually protects Brad and says Brad wants him, but Michael is legal gaurdian bla bla bla, you can even take Brads dog.

Meanwhile, back on the island....

Sayid is still trying to decifer the maps he stole from the now even more lost French woman. Charlie has decided to go hunting for Claires diary. Why? Cause we haven't seen him in a while and for all the Hobbit cash they had to cough up to get him they will invent lame subplots to get him more screen time. So he hunts down the diary which is inevitably in winds up in Sawyers hands. after a brief, lame exchange between Sawyer and Charlie, our hobbit leaves with the diary. The precious diary which he inevitably reads the pages. Turns out Claire wrote down her dreams of her abduction and mentioned a black rock she was being detained at. Charlie tried to rally the troops to go look for a black rock in the middle of the night. Yeah, didn't work.

The main island story was the love triangle of Locke, Michael and Walt. Walt kept running off to be with Locke which worried Michael who threatened to kill Lock if he spent anymore time with his son. After refusing to have his son grow up on the island, Michael decides to built a raft. He finds Walt and asks him to help. Walt who is busy reading a The Flash comic book, disregaurds his father. When Mike notices hes reading a comic, he tries to relate to his son and tells him he used to be a tracer for comic books. When Walt clearly didnt give a shit about his dads attempt to relate to his son, Michael gave up and forced Walt to him him. After a bit of work, Walt see's Boone and Locke walk by and tells his dad he is going for water. Of course he goes and hangs out with the guys, until Michael breaks that up which leads to a blow out between father and son. Walt verbally stabs Michael when he says "youre not my dad" to which Michael throws The Flash comic in the campfire and forces Walt to sit down. A deserted island version of timeout I suppose. A short time later Mike notices his kid is gone and immediately heads to find Locke.

Walt has actually taken his dog for a walk but when the dog gets loose and Walt goes searching for him he finds somethig much bigger, the polar bear.

Meanwhile Michael learns Locke told Walt they couldnt hang out and that he should respect his fathers wishes. Michael too proud to ask for help doesn't need to, Locke volunteers to go help find Walt. The two find Walt huddled in a corner while the polar bear is trying to get to him. Long story short, they save him. When they return to camp Michael shows Walt what his mother had set aside for him, all the cards he drew for his son.

The huge random cliff hanger this week.....a now non pregnant Claire emerges from the brush battered and bruised.

So...Ummmm WTF is going on? Is the magic in the island? is the magic all in Walt? Walt gets agitated, bird flies into window. Walt gets angry, plane crashes. Walt gets scared, polar bears attack.

LOST is such an approriate title for the show cause it applies to both the characters and the audience. To top it all off, next weeks previews are reruns from Sayids encounter with the French woman so we don't even get anymore clues. Woah is me......

The one thing I am really enjoying is rift developing weekly between Locke and Boone and the rest of the players. Though Boone now reminds me of the goons from the original batman series in that hes very one dimensional, I still enjoy what will eventually be a fun splitting of the camp. And I'd also like to point out, has anyone seen any of the other 42 crash survivors on the show lately? Even as extras?

OK Gasm readers...what are your thoughts?

American Idol: Soaring Vocals, Gratuitous Cameltoes

By Michelle Collins

American Idol kicked off its fourth season this week, and Tuesday’s season premiere delivered 2 hours of what America loves: People getting their dreams shattered in front of millions.

The season premiere opened with one unfortunate reject screeching out the National Anthem for no less than 15 minutes. While the “outtakes” can be momentarily enjoyable, having to listen to this girl miss every. single. note. of our beautiful anthem proves to me that the British producers of this show HATE America. They must! While sitting through her hand waving, ear-bleeding rendition, I could just picture Francis Scott Key coming back to life, crawling out of the ground, taking a deep breath and then blowing his brains out all over again. And we haven’t even laid eyes on Ryan Seacrest yet!

The first leg of the show recapped the many successes of American Idol. The rules have changed this year with the age limit being raised to 28 years old, meaning that people who likely have families and steady jobs will have to face the consequences of being publicly shamed.

The judges remain the same: the Callous Cowel, cyborg-reject Abdul, and the new and improved ultra-sleek, muy-femenino Randay. Another change this season will be the addition of a guest judge during the audition process. This week, we have the pleasure of watching Sugar Ray’s Mark McGrath opine on the future of some young hopefuls. Because if anyone knows about lucky bastards who don’t deserve even a penny of their million dollar fortune, it’s him. Here’s looking forward to the day Smash Mouth rejects some 16 year old no talent in a mini-skirt while getting blown by a toothless 98-year-old corpse, i.e. “groupie”.

On to the auditions. The highlights, and more often the case, the lowlights.

In walks a bald man who’s a youth director at his local church. I know where this is going. He smiles, talks about his kids, is one of 9 million people to sing “Isn’t She Lovely” halfway decently, and after our requisite “Dudes”, “Dawgs” and “Duhs” (thanks Paula), he makes it through to Hollywood.

A girl with a bosom so big it nearly came out of the television screen and knocked me unconscious sings “YMCA”, and dear God, she’s making the letters with her arms, allowing her triple-G’s to bounce in an almost hypnotic fashion.

Coming up next, we have a highlight of a lowlight. Jesse Grazela is a self-proclaimed “entertainer”, and now that I take a better look at him, I’m pretty sure he served me my smoked ham hock at Medieval Times in Peoria, Illinois. The editors of this segment make it very difficult to tell whether he’s going to be good or terrible. (loud coughing: “It’s the latter”) He begins belting out “You Raise Me Up”, his voice shaking, his hand slowly raising to his side like a Spanish Pavarotti at La Scala. His voice trembles all over the place, but alas, he stops singing after the very first line. He’s forgotten the words. Has this man never been to the movies? They must play this song 400 times before the movie begins! How can he forget the words! And you would think he could’ve made them up! “You raise me up, so I can grab a bottle. From the cabinet, where I keep all my food!” He starts over, but brain farts once again, and begins slowly applauding himself for dramatic effect (good thinking). The judges send him outside to ask his friends what the words are. At first I thought that maybe this guy was just yanking our chains to make it onto the show, but upon further inspection, I think he’s actually autistic. His friends help out, he re-enters, splits some ears, and begins HI-sterically crying. Finally his smarts kick in, and he just walks out of the room without even waiting for Simon’s opinion. Television at its finest!

Next comes Anwar Robinson, Lenny Kravitz’s slightly less-gay brother. Long dreads, a crocheted hat I’m pretty sure was ripped off from one of my grandmother’s plants, he’s adorable and has a winning face. The editors make his success a no-brainer, following him to the seventh grade music class that he teaches to see the master at work. Sure enough, he belts out Stevie Wonder, and by the end, I eagerly sit by the phone and wait for his call, because I think I’m in lurve. Although something tells me Nicole Kidman’s got dibs on this one.

Oh lord. Heavy sigh. Why do heavy people put themselves in harm’s way? This time round, it’s Melissa Considine, a girl dressed up in basically every piece of drek H&M has on sale right now, who explains that it looks like she has “a lot of money, but you don’t have to to look good.” The camera slowly pans back and the poor thing, she just looks awful. Shame too, cause she’s a pretty girl, and seems reasonable sane.

After the judges cackle about her choice of clothing, she begins singing “How Do I Live Without You”, with a voice reminiscent of an Olsen Twin getting reamed by a dolphin on his death bed. Needless to spray, she doesn’t make it through.

Derreck Braxton has talent in his family. You see, his “cousin is Tony Braxton”, to which I say “Who isn’t a cousin of Tony Braxton?” Derreck’s your classic uppity, adorable gay guy, with one minor difference: he’s completely insane. He can’t say two words without laughing to himself and saying “Haha—ok? Ok? Ha HA!”

Multiple personalities aside, Sybil Braxton begins his song, and is awful. His voice brings to mind what the lovechild of Kermit the Frog and Creed’s Scott Stapp might sound like. As you can imagine, he doesn’t take the rejection well. He is Fee-YUR-ious that they didn’t like his voice! How dare they! Don’t they know who he is?! In a post-rejection interview, he really lets the cannons loose, insulting Paula, Randy and Simon’s careers “I’m going to be doing it, and I’m going to be doing it, and I’m going to be doing it…” One can only hope that “doing it” refers to taking his own life, because, really, with all the problems in this world, do we REALLY need to hear about how the judges got it wrong for the next 60 or so years? I didn’t think so.

Next, an “America the Beautiful” montage, featuring some of the worst singers so far. Yet more proof that the American Idol producers do, in fact, hate America.

And then Regina Brooks arrives. And the angels adjust their stools and begin playing the most beautiful harp solo on your heart strings. Gling-glong-gling go the heart strings! Regina had to pawn her wedding rings in order to travel to the audition, and now her, her husband and their baby don’t have enough money to return home. Tsunami, Shmunami, does someone have some bank for Regina? Seriously, it’s awful. I’m sure the producers were salivating like wolves when they heard her story. This is almost as sad as the heart-breaking and much less popular Shtetl Idol.

Regina explains her sitch to the judges, and sings pleasantly enough. Simon doesn’t want to let her through due to her familial situation. Even the devil takes a break from counting Clay Aiken’s album profits to shoot him a dirty look. In the end, the other judges choose to let her go. And the tears, how they do flow.

Coming up next, Aven Moore, a tall, confident black man with a voluminous jheri-curled do and crisp blue eyes, which looked real to me. Aven Moore is what Will Ferrell would look like if he were black. The face and body are the SAME. Oh, and Aven was a crack-up! His eyes focusing on nothing in the distance, he belted out Annie’s “Tomorrow”… as in “Daaaaaaaaaay (BREATH) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (BREATH) Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay (BREATHE and repeat for 20 minutes).” It is a magical combination of tone deafness meeting jazz hands meeting dramatic headshaking. Come to think of it, this guy may be funnier than Will Ferrell.

Keeping with the SNL tradition, next up is a morbidly obese Jon Lovitz singing “I Feel Good”. One wonders how the man who brought us “High School High” and “Trapped in Paradise” has fallen so low and so hard.

By the by, Ryan Seacrest’s hair is not nearly as frosted as it used to be. Ryan Seacrest the man, however, is more muppity than ever.

Following a commercial and emergency bathroom break, hard rocker and “total f*cking sell-out” Constantine Maroulis shows up to impersonate an animatronic robot singing “Cryin’” at Chuck E. Cheese. He makes it to Hollywood, and like any metal guy in his situation, decides to leave the band. You can imagine later on, when Ryan Seacrest showed up at their rehearsal to break the news, they were none-too-pleased. Their drummer “Hamboussi” (catchy! Say it three times fast, and you won’t be able to stop!) throws the camera the finger and storms out, calling the show too “bubble gum.” Well if this is bubble gum, then I “chews” to watch this lil’ “bubble” of fun until my teeth fall out! Yay American Idol! Eff off “Hamboussi”! (No relation to “Garybouusi”.)

Amanda Hubert thought if she dressed like a post-menopausal WASP she’d be able to fool the judges into letting her through because of her… uniqueness… but they see through it. She then pulls the God card, something only a lover of Satan would ever think of doing on American Idol, telling the judged that God put her on this earth to sing. Apparently, God put her on this earth to cry and run off on camera, as that’s exactly what she did.

Sometimes this show brings someone out who you really pull for. Brian Bagley is one of those people. He’s a janitor and ballet student, two facts made abundantly clear as they capture him cleaning the toilets while doing some softshoe, and mopping up piss while pretending his broom is Ginger Rodgers. Something about Brian just screams “Whimsy!” Before he begins, he tells Paula that he “abso-tootly” adores her, a sure sign that I am about to get really depressed.

His song is “On the Sunny Side of the Street”, and while he’s not very good, he’s so sweet! Alas, sweetness doesn’t get your anywhere (unless you’re a donut, and then it’s straight to Ruben Studdard’s mouth -- Zing!) He then resorts to begging for change outside, all captured on film, and it occurs to me that this show has hit a new low.

Travis Tucker does the robot. Really well. Like an advanced, break-dancing robot. Hello Hardbody! He puts on a shirt, covering up those two machine guns he’s toting along (i.e. his arms), and actually has a nice voice! He makes it through, and I change my underwear.

Ian Holmes II (The II standing for “Crocheted Cap the Second” of the night), and sings Mariah Carey almost exactly like her. He barely makes it to Hollywood, and bounds outside with his yellow sheet, where he and his mother fall to the floor crying hysterically in joy. Through his sobs, he manages to cry out “You Can Do Anything!” Reading-Rainbow-style, and I picture what my office would look like with him clinging onto a tree branch with a caption reading “Hang in There!” Maybe if this whole Idol thing doesn’t work out, yes?

Jason Smith only discovered he could sing “a couple of weeks ago”. He explains that the “5.9%” emblazoned on his headscarf refers to the fact that he used to be a drunk, but now that he’s found Jesus, it was his destiny to be on this show. He makes it especially hard for the judges to break the news to him that he is, in fact, a terrible singer. Jesus, if anything will drive him back to the hooch, it’s getting humiliated on national television. The judges realize this and let him down real easy. Something tells me if he was a fat white woman they wouldn’t have been so kind.

Extra extra! Did you know that Ben Stiller’s father is the Mayor of Hackensack? Oh, that’s not Ben Stiller? The kid from Rushmore then, surely. No? John… Zisa is his name? I…. I see. Well, this short Jewish celebrity doppelganger made it through to Hollywood by being one of the few white guys who wears good jeans and can almost follow a tune. Congrats Zooland – John. Congrats John.

Finally, we have the girl who the previews called the “next William Hung!” Her name is Mary Roach, and she describes her style as “Pop-Rock meets Broadway meets Cameltoe!” But for RE-al. Joe Camel just called, he wants his snout back. Seriously, one lip or two Mary!? This girl’s vagina is on PARADE! SADNESS.

You see, the thing about Mary Roach is, cameltoe aside, the girl is just mentally ill. And not in the way I usually mean it, I’m saying for serious, she should be in an institution. And for some reason, I don’t laugh when I see this, I just get really uncomfortable. Sometimes the outtakes just really depress me.

Mary tells Mark McGuire “that he is a hottie.” Now the girl is certifiable. She sings “I Feel the Earth Move”, and Randy looks at her with a face that tells me her C-Toe smelled worse than it looked. Ms. Roach spastically throws out her arms, and thrusts her pelvis out (vom), with a performance that reeks of Ukrainian Idol. She sounds like someone forced a deaf kid to sing at a beauty pageant. How do crazy people like this even survive in the world? Like, they can shop? And hold jobs? It’s completely beyond me.

She promised herself she wouldn’t cry. That becomes difficult when Simon explains she’s “the worst singer he’s ever heard.” Mary starts to break. Her “friends” have all told her she has an amazing singing voice. Her friends, dear readers, are almost definitely imaginary Teletubbies. Even pretend Smurfs wouldn’t hang with this girl.

Mary Roach leaves the audition crushed. The cameras follow her out, where she puts on a whole show, singing a song she probably wrote the lyrics to using pigs blood. Her face contorts on maniacal ways, and if I were the editors of this show, I’d sleep with one eye open. Cause Mary Roach will find you. And she will kill you.

Next, the show takes us to St. Looey, where hopefully the auditioners won’t be shit-eating insane. What am I saying – they all are!

Amazing Race Heads to Ethiopia, Quincy Jones Resists Writing a Song

In the interest of keeping last night's Amazing Race spoilers off the main page of TVgasm, I'll be brief and nondescript with this introduction.

(silence)

(muffled cough in the background, crickets chirping)

Okay, this isn't working. More after the jump...

Well, last night was the night that avid viewers of Amazing Race 6 have been waiting for: the proud elimination of Jonathan and Victoria. We'll spare the "Ding Dong the Witch Is Dead" jokes — mostly because it creates an odd metaphor, what with Jonathan being a male and all — but that won't deter us from reveling in this heinous couple's donkey-induced failure. I could not be more happy that Jonathan Baker met an untimely end in the competition, and I hope his dreams are tormented with "What ifs", "If onlys", and little trolls singing Christmas songs - you know, for variety.

Jonathan and Victoria — a.k.a. Team JV (damn, wish I had thought of that earlier) — started off well on the series, but last episode, their momentum seemed to peter out as they barely survived a foot race to fifth place. While they lagged behind, their occasional arch rivals, Adam and Rebecca, used a Fast Forward to secure first place. Therefore, kicking off this week's show were none other than Adam and Rebecca — or "Rebecker", as Phil calls her — who were directed to the French city of Nice (rhymes with "niece". Actually, sounds exactly like "niece"... unless you're Bolo, in which case it sounds like "nice") where they were to find a bust of Albert the First. In usual Amazing Race fashion, the teams needed to wait another dozen hours for the next ferry to Nice, which meant there would be plenty of downtime... downtime for Kendra to propose her favorite activity: research! I swear, if this woman babbles about research any more, I'll... I'll... honestly, I don't know what I'll do. Probably sneer and cross my arms. That'll show her.

Jonathan meanwhile blinded audiences nationwide with a shirtless recitation of the first clue. Honestly, it was like watching a flabby brillo pad leading a morning assembly. Luckily, he soon covered up his unsightly torso, and while he and Victoria went off to yell and beat each other, Hayden and Aaron - who had finished last on a non-elimination leg - set off on the humbling task of begging for money (or "bay-gging" as Hayden said it). As usual, the little money twist had no effect on the race as Hayden and Aaron quickly gathered the Euros for a ride on the coolest looking ferry EVER.

As teams descended on Nice, the bizarre accents popped up left and right. Everyone pretty much pulled a Charla and added some strange European touches to English words, as if that would help the French speakers. Victoria was guiltiest of this misguided tactic as she ordered a cabbie to drive to the "statchoo" (statue). To her credit, she did try her hand at French vocab, but her pronunciation was so mangled that she might as well have been talking jibberish (She pronounced "arrête" like "areety").

Anyway, the next clue told the kids to get packing for Addis Ababa, the capital of Ethiopia. And that plunking noise was the sound of Kendra's heart sinking. Yes, another trip to that most dreaded of places: Africa. "It's gonna be depressing and Third World. We just went to the Third World," she complained. She then threw out her new T-Shirt: "I Survived the Third World and I'm Never Going Back!!!"

Also having difficulty with this course change was Bolo, but only because he simply could not pronounce "Addis Ababa." Hearing Bolo read is funny enough, but throw in some crazy Ethiopian geography, and it's like taking a self-guided tour through the sounds "ad" "ab" "ah" and "ba".

While Bolo navigated through his very own phonetic hall of mirrors, Jonathan and Victoria had - shocker - another meltdown. You see, at the top of the show, Jonathan said the team would get back to basics: Victoria would handle the groundwork, and he would handle the airports. This all changed, however, when Victoria led them to a travel agent whose computer system happened to be down. "From now on, this is my part!" Jonathan barked, as if Victoria had had some control over the situation. Way to be logical Jonathan. To be fair, Victoria did ignore the business's name, "Broken Computer Travel Agency."

At the airport, Bolo and Lori made a reservation at one desk, wandered off to scope out better flights, and then returned to book their original flight. The only catch was that upon return, a little line had formed. No problem though. Lori and Bolo simply skipped ahead and completed their transaction, much to the chagrin of acid-tongued Kendra who busted out her usual "barbarians" insult. She then added that she was "actually getting sick" of the wrestlers' antics. Oooh. She's "actually getting sick" of them! She then added "I'm presently annoyed! And I am currently changing my state to exasperated! Barbarians!"

Nevertheless, the wrestlers snagged the first flight out to a Rome layover (Barbarians in Gaul headed to Rome? The fall of the Empire is nigh!!!). Bolo made sure to dismiss his caveman image by stomping down the jetway as if to say "Me Bolo. Me walk on giant bird." He then bopped his head on the plane's door frame, and no that wasn't one of my little embellishments. Bolo hit head. Bolo sad now.

The key is to duck before the door frame, not after.

Elsewhere in the airport, Jonathan and Victoria seemed to be momentarily at peace as the old lady snagged some tickets with the grace of a porn star snorting coke. "Victoria was victorious," John extolled with about as much creativity as a green pea. He then added "Adam is adamant, Hayden is hateful, Kris is Christian, and Rebecca is... dammit Victoria! Why must you always distract me!" Nevertheless, while Bolo and Lori settled in for a comfy evening in Rome, everyone else got some shuteye in the Nice International Airport. The next morning, Hayden sprung awake like a re-animated corpse only to find Rebecca and Adam bickering in the corner. It was more of the same for these two: Rebecca can't stand Adam anymore, Adam throws a hissy fit, Rebecca says it's over, Adam forces his way into Rebecca's chair awkwardly, Rebecca and Adam's hips fall asleep as the two become permanently wedged in the chair. Eventually Rebecca pulled a white hood over her face as she tried to hide her tears from the world. In an illogical attempt to show support, Adam pulled a hood over his head as well. Um, it's not like she's trapped in the hood and feels embarrassed. Take your hood off Adam.

Eventually, after a bunch of layovers and crap like that, the teams arrived in Ethiopia where we discovered that Freddy had aged ten years. I didn't know if that was because he was exhausted from the flight or from Kendra and her inane comments. You know, like this stellar observation about Ethiopia: "This place is much better than Dakar. It's a different type of poverty. It's like these people choose to live this way." Yes, they don't mind the hunger and shoddy living conditions. In fact, that whole famine thing in 1985 was just an elaborate plan to get the reigning pop stars to sing a song together. Kendra was keen to note that the cows also seemed fatter in Ethiopia. It all supported her award winning bovine/poverty theory which can be found in this month's issue of "Dumb Observations Quarterly."

After taking a charter flight to a remote region of the Ethiopia, teams then had to drive to a small town with the help of a guide. For Jonathan and Victoria, this meant nabbing an adolescent off the street and luring him into a van. Note to Ethiopia: please consider the Amber Alert. At the town, teams encountered their latest Detour: "Raise the roof or mud the hut." Personally, I would have liked Phil Koegan to have emerged wearing a clock around his neck and pumping his hands to the sky, rapping "Raise the Roof or Let's Get Dirrty." Then he could have beatboxed a little, barked like a dog, and asked for his girl, Xtina, but that's optional.

Anyway, teams had the option of carrying a roof a certain distance with the help of some locals or slab mud on a hut until an entire wall was covered. For some reason, half the teams forgot that the brute force option is always fastest, especially if you've got seven other people helping you out. Then again, Jonathan was never one to jump at anything too strenuous; so he was only too happy to strip down to his skivvies and tackle that mud. Yes, the doughy velcro patch returned. Also partaking in the mudslinging activities were the wrestlers and the models, the latter of which almost faced a major setback when Freddy nearly gashed his finger off on a splinter. Seriously, it looked like he had stuck his finger in that Hungarian soup.

Meanwhile, Rebecca and Adam made short work of their task as they quickly delivered the roof to a hut. With everything firmly in place, all that was left to be done was to place a jug at the top of the roof. This, of course, led to the standard Adam freak out as he snipped "I've never placed a jug on a roof before!" Come on now. It's not like he was crawling on top of a cathedral. We're talking about a nine foot high ladder climb. Luckily, Adam managed to persevere, and soon he was reading the next clue.

Teams now had to take two donkeys and guide them up a path to a local church which was carved out of the ground. Rebecca had considerable trouble with her donkey, ultimately causing Adam to take control and lead the animals out of their holding pen. One might say he was proficient with the asses. He handled the asses with a firm yet delicate touch, if you will. Actually, the only one to make a pun in this situation was Aaron, who giggled to the camera, "I'm good at guiding asses" and then pointed to a clueless Hayden. Then fearing the wrath of his shrew-like girlfriend, he nervously added "Just kidding."

Back at the mud huts, Victoria quickly joined Freddy on the injured list as she too sliced open her finger on a splinter. She immediately devolved into a windy bag of shrieks and bawls as the locals tended to her injury. Jonathan, ever the loving husband, simply shrugged and said "I don't know what's wrong with her." Kendra, usually the dim bulb in any situation, won points in my book as she finally became the first one to scold Jonathan. "Help her, Jonathan!" she screamed, almost with as much intensity as Victoria. Kendra then called him an asshole and became my own personal hero of the episode.

Jonathan and Victoria were last to leave the Detour, but their challenges continued as they took some circuitous route to the donkeys. Victoria once again exploded with a flood of screaming that sounded like a chew toy being trampled by an angry mob of people. "Give me my shoes! Give me my shoes!" she yelled as Jonathan scampered off with all his wife's clothing. Meanwhile, other teams reached the Roadblock, which involved taking a pendant from the church and finding a matching one amongst a hundred worshippers. Hayden took on the challenge first while Lori and Bolo read the Roadblock clue: "Who has an eye for detail?" Yeah, um, Bolo banged his head against a door frame today. I don't think details are quite his thing (plus let's not forget his counting abilities: "68... 69... 80"). Unsurprisingly, Lori took this one.

Walking with the donkeys, Kendra suddenly found herself short of breath. "I can't breathe!" she screamed fearfully. "The poverty... so.. beautiful..." Luckily, a local kid offered to carry her backpack, a kind gesture that later moved Kendra to tears. She explained how everyone was just so nice and helpful — the kids even said "Come on Kendra, we'll do it together!" Well, actually, it wasn't so much the kids as it was a little hand puppet she made to pass the time. Apparently the "kids" also said "Oooh Kendra. You're so pretty. I love you Kendra."

Team JV meanwhile finally found the donkeys but mistakenly only took one of them to the Roadblock. Jonathan immediately blamed Victoria for causing the oversight, but there was still hope. Adam and Rebecca arrived at the Roadblock which was also home to the rare Yield. Inexplicably, the two opted to use the Yield on not Jon and Victoria but Freddy and Kendra. I suppose their only excuse was that they saw a threat in the dimwitted models. Taking a page from Jonathan, Freddy immediately blamed Kendra for being too slow and subjecting them to a Yield vulnerability, but unlike Victoria, Kendra stood up for herself with a little "You best be shutting up before I bust a cap in yo' ass" attitude.

Meanwhile, down in the church area, Lori became exasperated when she couldn't find a match for her pendant. "This is stupid," she proclaimed with her trademark twang. Eventually she came upon a guy with an identical necklace and complained "This is the only one that even looks like the right one." Uh, that's because it IS the right one. The worshipper handed a clue over to Lori, and I was surprised she didn't roll her eyes and say, "And this looks just like one of dem clues we're always gettin'!"

Hayden, Aaron, Lori and Bolo were the first two teams to arrive at the Pitstop, with a cranky Phil telling the wrestlers "You guys really don't smell very good right now." Lori then forced Phil's face into her armpit and yelled "How's that smell now, bitch?" But seriously, was there ever a time when Lori and Bolo looked like they smelled nice?

While Phil hosed down Lori and Bolo, Adam spazzed out over the Roadblock by running out of the church and off to some random area away from the worshippers. Rebecca watched helplessly from the sidelines as she muttered "Never send a woman to do a man's job." Hey, she said it, not me. Unfortunately for her, the Yield kind of backfired as Jonathan and Victoria had not yet returned with their donkeys, effectively putting Kendra and Freddy back in the race. As Freddy zoomed off to the church, his girlie called out, "Honey, be very detailed!" And like clockwork, Freddy slid onto his butt and into a post. Yeah, first detail: watch where you're stepping. Upon rising, Freddy immediately lashed out, yelling "Who put that post there! Whoever did that I will break in half. I will break you!" Still, despite wipeouts and nefarious posts, Freddy made short work of the Roadblock, and he and Kendra placed fourth behind the dependably chipper Kris and Jon.

With directions to the Pitstop in hand, Adam freaked out and ranted like a lunatic for no good reason. Eventually, he got his act together and marched with Rebecca towards the Pitstop. The producers tried to make Jonathan and Victoria appear neck and neck with the personal trainers, but it was clear that their number was up. That didn't mean Jonathan couldn't be annoying to the very last minute. As he and Victoria walked towards Phil, they managed to gather a gaggle of African kids, and for some odd, patronizing reason, he encouraged everyone to raise their right hand. Was this to show some sort of racial solidarity? Because last time I checked, Jonathan wasn't in the Black Panthers. Honestly, I wanted to vomit as he derived some sanctimonious pleasure from this spectacle. Consider his high horse saddled up and ready to go.

Thankfully, Jonathan and Victoria were finally eliminated. "This was a very trying day. I'm disappointed," Jonathan said, adding "I will now beat my wife."

"Did you feel you let each other down?" Phil asked. Both said no, although Jonathan did say "Well, it was her fault though." In the end, the Amazing Race has finally expunged itself of arguably its worst pair of contestants ever. These two weren't fun to hate. They were just plainly awful. Of course now we have a new question to debate. As Jonathan and Victoria pop up in various news outlets this week, how many excuses will Jonathan have for his behavior? I'm saying at least five.

Fabricegate: The Latest

Okay, this isn't as good as last week's bombshell that Bachelorette contestant Fabrice is gay, but hey, we'll take what we can get. As many tabloid readers are aware, prior to Fabrice's stint on American reality TV/gay bars, he was featured on a French series named "Operation Seduction 2: In the Caribbeans" (insert laughter here. Or as they say in France, "Le ha, le ha"). Thanks to TVgasm reader Mark (from Paris), we now have a link to his bio page and several screencaps. Check it all out after the jump.

Here is Fabrice's profile from "Operation Seduction 2." Mark from Paris was kind enough to provide a translation:

"26yo (in 2003), born in Boulogne-Billancourt (Paris wealthy suburbs). Marketing manager of a start-up firm, Fabrice is foremost a businessman. True adventurer, The United States and Brazil are no secret to him but he dreams of discovering Asia, the only continent he hasn't explored so far.

Fabrice is restless: graduated from HEC (best MBA college in France), he's actually taking acting/singing lessons, and he's a regular tennis player, as well as basketball and skiing...

The female asset to win him over: wit. A smart, funny and generous woman will not be ignored long if he's around."

Fabrice 1	Fabrice 2	Fabrice 3
Fabrice 4	Fabrice 5	Fabrice 6
Fabrice 7	Fabrice 8	Fabrice 9

The Bachelorette: Arrested Development

[by Jaded Bitch]

Wow, it's the second episode and already we get to witness the big police-on-the-scene drama! When I saw that in the previews, I was more than excited for (finally) some good televsion! But more on that (and my eventual disappointment) later...

Speaking of previews, that's one of the biggest pet peeves that I have about this show. Contrary to popular belief, I am a fan, which is why I watch. However, when the show becomes lame, I gotta call it like I see it. What irks me is the constant peppering of previews before each commercial break with host Chris Harrison doing his cocaine-induced, "WHO WILL STAY? WHO WILL GO!?! FIND OUT NEXT!!!" Poor Chris only appears at the top and bottom of the hour, proving himself as useful as Carmen Elektra hosting Manhunt. WTF was that, anyway?

Episode 2 begins with the very first group outing/fantasy date with Jen, our damsel in dating distress. Picked for this field trip are: Jerry the hottie (who's now been exposed on TVGasm as a reality TV whore, as well as a Harry Winston doorman), Fabrice the Frenchy (who's now been exposed on TVGasm as being gay, gay, gay!), Michael the teacher, Jason the 29yo Virgin, Ben (who is being cast to play Wimpy in the next Popeye live action feature), Bug Eyed A.W., and Black Ryan, the token minority.

What does this fine group get to do, you might ask? Well, since they are in New York, what better way to start the day than with ... a ride through Times Square on a tour bus!?! Aw, shucks, ma, I've always wanted to do that!

Fabrice noted that being French is what will set him apart from the rest of the group. And also, he's GAY. Meanwhile, Black Ryan noted that being from New York will set him apart from the rest of the group. And also, he's BLACK.

WHO WILL STAY? WHO WILL GO?!! FIND OUT NEXT!!

Jen arrived to pick up the boys, with a shirtless Josh greeting her at the door. Josh is such a tease, isn't he? Those damned 28 yo virgins! "Can ya just put a shirt on!?" Jen quipped privately to the camera. Wow, feisty!

Jen then stated, "I've never dated more than...one person at a time." It took her a moment, but she managed to pick the right number. Yes, Jen, ONE person at a time. That's what you're supposed to say. Read the cue cards.

Black Ryan became the tour guide and pointed out Times Square to everyone, should they not have noticed the gazillion blinking billboards. It was then off to a boat for what looked like a trip around the harbour and private time with each of the men. Jason the 29 yo Virgin, asked why it didn't work out with Andrew Firestone. Jen gave a politically correct response, but to sum it up - Andrew's a dick.

Fabrice talked about being open (but not in an out-of-the-closet kind of way), while Michael the goofy schoolteacher talked about humping his dog. Bulging Eyes A.W. claimed he looked like Andrew Firestone, to which Jen replied, "Er, no." I finally figured out what A.W. stands for: Andrew Wannabe!!

Frenchy Fabrice fed Jen some pick up line in French about her father being a thief and stealing stars from the sky, yada yada yada. Jen said it was "sweet, and cute...and LAME." Wow, she just described her own show! That wasn't very nice of her, the poor gay guy was just trying to be funny. We should change the name of the show to The Bitch-lorette!

Back at the house, Keith the Welder was chosen by Jen's friends to go on the very special one-on-one date with Jen. This of course caused Stalker Stu to immediately plot out Keith's unfortunate welding accident.

WHO WILL GO?! WHO WILL STAY!? FIND OUT NEXT!!!

The next day, we join Keith and Jen on their date which began with a carriage ride through Central Park. As exciting as that may sound, the rest of the interview, er, date, was even more of a snoozefest. It was painfully obvious that Jen was not connecting - or was it? I found the conversation to be stifled, and their focus was more on the piano player at dinner than on each other.

The Un-Date continued up in a hotel suite. Gosh, the producers sure were pushing for a little action! Unfortunately, the only "action" would be taking place the next night - at the men's pad! Again, more on that later... Keith and Jen ended the night with a peck on the cheek, as they both climbed back into their godawful Hummer Limo.

WHO WILL GO?! WHO WILL STAY!? FIND OUT NEXT!!! (Annoyed yet? Try watching the show! Oy!)

The next day was time for the second group date, which included: Wendell, Matt the Firefighter, Stalker Stu, Josh the 28 yo Virgin (not to be confused with Jason the 29 yo Virgin), John Paul the 25 yo (that seems to be the only thing going for him), White Ryan, and Mark. They received news that they would be going on a group date with Jen to noneother than a Knicks game! Hello, Tour Bus Ride = Ripped Off.

At this second date, the men seemed to be more into the Knicks than they were into Jen. Stalker Stu however, was the first to abduct her for some alone time. He proceeded to once again talk about her in the 3rd person form. "I wanna know what makes Jen happy." He then added, "This way, Jen will fall in love with me and marry me and have all my 8 children. Yes, oh yes, that's what Jen will do."

At the men's pad, the boys huddled for a gossipfest and for some Stu bashing. They touched upon his stalker tendencies and worried about his sanity. Realizing he was an unstable person, they all agreed that the next time they were in the Boardroom, they would all stick together and get him fired.

Frenchy Fabrice then claimed that 28yo Virgin Josh was stupid. This caused 29yo Virgin Jason to raise his eyebrows and make a mental note to rat on Fabrice once his Virgin bro returned from the Knicks game.

At around 1:30am, the men at home got a bit rowdy out in the streets. An irate neighbour screamed at them to keep the ruckus down or else he'd call the cops. Welder Keith said he wanted to go down and chew the guy up "like a piece of garbage." Oh Keith, admitting that you eat garbage is not the way to win a woman's heart. Nor is getting into streetbrawls, for that matter. Keith, you're fired too.

The neighbour continued to scream outside. ABC tried to blur out his face, but judging from the pitch of the screaming, we at home were all quite certain that it was noneother than Jonathan from The Amazing Race! He was just angry that the boys were out so late at night disrupting his disposal of Victoria's body.

Cut to the COPS music ("Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?") as the police arrive on the scene to address this noise disturbance. "If you don't all go inside, I'm coming back here and arresting all of you!" the officer threatened. That's it?? That's the big drama?? A noise disturbance?? No one even got arrested? No up-the-bum prison sex?? No gratuitous Oz-like nudity? WTF! Lame police action drama moment = Ripped Off.

When everyone returned from the Knicks game (how LATE was that game anyway?), the night's events were revealed, including the gossiping. Fabrice told Stu he was a bit of a stalker, while Josh called Fabrice out on his comments about him. Fabrice then gave Josh the palm and said, "Talk to the hand, sister!" while the rest of the group did each other's nails and hair.

The quote of the evening belonged to Josh, as he said to the camera, "I was given a warrior's heart. My life is my legacy." Josh, would you like some wine with your cheese?

WHO WILL GO?! WHO WILL STAY!? FIND OUT NEXT!!!

Finally it was time for the Rose Ceremony. Jen arrived in a hot red number, that you know Fabrice was eyeing. Meanwhile, Stu stated that Jen was completely in love with him and that he was going to make SURE she knew. Jason revealed to her that he was a virgin, making poor Jen recoil in pretty much absolute horror. She called his values into question and wondered if they would be too "stringent" for her. Firefighter Matt politely asked Jen to sign his Knicks ticket and to kiss it. He then hurried to the closest computer terminal and put it up on eBay.

25 year-old John Paul cozied up with her, while Jen worried that a 25 year-old may not be ready to get married. "You're 25, but you don't act like it!" I'm not sure if the show emphasized it enough, but by the way, John Paul is 25.

Random guy Mark sat Jen down and gave her a guardian angel necklace, which turned out to be some sort of family heirloom belonging to his dead mother. He then revealed that he had written Jen into his will and that both his kidneys were on stand-by in case she should ever need one.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Everyone turned to see host Chris Harrison standing there, with a half drunken glass of champagne and a trail of white powder under his nose. "It's that time!"he announced. "Who will stay? Who will go!?" He took Jen down to a private room, where she could look at each of the men's photos and ponder thoughtfully to herself while whining about how hard this was. Thankfully ABC edited this part out and spared us from more lame television.

We join everyone back at the Rose Ceremony, where the group was to be cut in half, dropping it from 15 men down to a mere 8. The rose recpients were: Wendell, Fabrice (who ran up to the podium in his sash, grabbed his rose and thanked everyone for voting him as the next Miss America), Wimpy Ben, Keith the Welder/Figher/Garbage Eater, White Ryan, Harry Winston doorman/reality whore Jerry, and 25 year old John Paul. Host Chris Harrison interuppted at this point to do his contractual obligation of pointing out that Jen had one last rose to give out for the evening. This final rose was bestowed on 28yo Virgin Josh aka Warrior Heart.

Cut this round was Bug Eyed A.W., Black Ryan, Stalker Stu (there go the little ratings they had), Michael the teacher (who suddenly resembled Hulk Hogan as he hugged a fellow contestant and said, "Good luck brother." He then ripped his shirt off and called for everyone in the audience to cheer louder.), Firefighter Matt (at least he has that autograph!), 29yo Stringent Virgin Jason, and Mark, who was kicking himself for giving away that cherished family heirloom. Doh!

Next week's episode looks painful. It involves a basketball game and a Rose Ceremony. Exciting, ain't it? WHO WILL STAY? WHO WILL GO???

By the way, is anyone else reading Jen's Diary? In her latest entry, she once again tries to convince us all that she ONLY dates one person at a time. WTF, get over it, Jen!

Note to ABC: Here's a thought for your next Bachelorette installment. All this talk about Bug Eyes had me reminiscing. Why not bring in Toni Ferrari to be your next Bachelorette? For those who don't recall her, she's the Alpha Female from FOX's "Love Cruise" and "Paradise Hotel." Now THAT would be loads of fun to watch!!

Hey, At Least It's a Win

Entering the final week of elimination challenges on Real World/Road Rules Battle of the Sexes 2, I am beginning to wonder if the producers would be better served to fashion the competitions in a manner reminiscent of the Special Olympics. Just as the Special Olympics endeavors to "empower individuals with intellectual disabilities to become physically fit, productive and respected members of society", Bunim/Murray really tries to do the same sort of thing for former cast members in the challenges. OK, so Bunim/Murray alums are never going to become that productive or respected spending a few weeks a couple of times a year doing mildly entertaining stunts for the easily amused, but you can always call a former Real Worlder or Road Ruler retarded. As a result you will a) not feel badly about it, and b) probably be speaking the truth at least half of the time.

There is precious little filler left in these remaining episodes. There are no more couples on the show since Robin left. Mark, Dan, and Eric are too old to care about drinking all of the booze the producers leave around, and nobody wants to see a drunk Tina half-naked anyway. Brad and his weekly handstand hijinx were eliminated the week before. It leaves us with the ongoing battle within the women to see who will lose against the guys in the final mission, and a little left over resentment from Brad's slightly shady departure.

I have to hand it to Coral, she is quite the genius. Not only has she made it to the end of the challenge, she is going to be able to take with her two among the group of Arissa, Tina, and Sophia. I'm not sure about you, but that would be one formidable lineup. And by "formidable", I mean "less intimidating than Jimmy Carter holding a wacky noodle". But she did get rid of Ruthie, and who would want her determination and physical ability messing up the collective malaise of the group?

As the text message comes, we see that the next challenge is going to be "High Point". As a thanks for letting a bunch of poorly-mannered kids from around the country(but mostly Los Angeles) run around his state, the producers brought out the governor of New Mexico[actually, it was the Mayor of Albuquerque, thanks JonD] to help introduce the next challenge. (More accurately, the producers likely opted to include him in the show rather than bribe some officials into letting them shoot the show in Santa Fe.) He said it was going to be very exciting, which is hard to believe since they had to go all the way to Albuquerque to find a building tall enough to name the challenge "High Point".

I make a joke of saying how none of the challenge really benefit from having leaders, but that was an understatement this time. The task was nothing more than walking your way along a small plank onto a small platform. Each player had two minutes to get to the platform, and the teams would be timed to see which group was able to stay on the longest. Well, I think those were the rules. I didn't really care too much, because the guys decided that they were going to throw the challenge before it was even started. The previous night, the guys decided that Mark and Dan would be leaders. Mark and Eric were the two people who were in line to get voted off. By splitting them up, they guaranteed that one of them would go. Since both of those guys had lots of stuff to do outside in the real world (which in Mark's case means spending large amounts of time shopping at the Target in the West Hollywood Gateway). When the girls announced Coral and Arissa were to be leaders, Mark came up with the idea to throw the competition. That way, the girls would be forced to play with Arissa in the final challenge. If the guys lost, it meant that Mark would be going home, but at least it was for the sake of the greater good.

In the first heat Arissa, almost single-handedly ruined the guys plans. Both guys made it onto the platform before Arissa had made it one-quarter of the way, which was too much for her. She said that there was no way she could do it, and although her teammates were screaming at her to go, she was about to make her way back. This forced the guys into action a little sooner than they had planned. They both pretended to lose balance and fall before Arissa had a chance to chicken out on the mission. The next heat went exactly the same way. Now, all of this probably should have been exposed as a sham from the get go, but the girls were so happy for their win, they not only believed that it was well-earned, they thought it was an omen that they had a chance for victory come the final challenge. It was only going to take some careful deliberation to choose between keeping Sophia or Tina. Hopefully the thoughts of all that Todd Oldham furniture they just won wouldn't cloud their decisions.

For the guys, they were all praising Mark for his sacrifice, and I'll admit that it was pretty selfless of him. He had wanted to go all the way with his good friend Eric, but when it came time to choose between the two of them, he decided to drop out. Sure, it was true that Mark had already made a final and won, and Eric hadn't, but it just goes to show you what has differentiated the guys from the girls all season long. To be honest, it probably wouldn't have mattered what three girls had made it to the end, but Mark should get some props for putting his team first.

The girls deliberations were as silly as ever. Arissa and Coral were so busy congratulating themselves on their miraculous victory that they actually believed that choosing between Tina and Sophia would make a difference. In the end, it came down to a matter of puzzles. Coral had been screwed over by a crossword before, and she wasn't going to let it happen again. Therefore, Sophia was in, Tina was out.

When the names were announced on elimination hill, Mark, of course, knew what was coming and didn't make a fuss. Everybody was sort of stunned to see that Tina was leaving, only because they nobody ever really imagined having two physical liabilities like Sophia and Arissa both making it to the end. Then again, it would be funny watching the two of them try and carry Coral should she pull a repeat of her Gauntlet final challenge performance. Tina pretended like she was OK with the decision, but really wasn't and did a really bad job of sounding sarcastic in her defeat. Whatever. She is loud and sucks.

So, we are left with the final episode. I am sure the Vegas odds are somewhere in the range of 1 Million to 1 for the girls to win. If the rest of the season is any indication, Coral will soon have to pose for Playboy as she realizes she is never going to actually win money participating, and Arissa will start her porn career before she loses all of her buzz.

Pick A Post 2004

We here at the Gasm at times can be a little...well...competative. Often times after a night of TV research at the TvGasm offices, a few wings are eaten and a few beers drank, and eventually the proverbial dick measuring contests begin.

This weekend during the Golden Globe Awards we reflected on our own body of work and each chose what we felt our best post of 2004 was. Now we invite you the readers to vote for the best post of 2004. I assure you this serves no purpose other than vanity and bragging rights around the Gasm water cooler. Maybe we will come up with an award for the winner or a shameful act for the loser to do. Until then, its pure male ego driving this.

AND THE NOMINEES ARE

Madeyoulaugh's Jesus sends TvGasm An Email

J-Units Tatastic Conspiracy

B-Sides Victoria Carries Jonathans Sack

Think snarkiness, originality, comedic effect, and of course....think about that bribe thats in the mail from me to you.

When you have had a chance to read the nominees. VOTE HERE.

Weekend In Review: The Good, The Bad, and the Globular

Well, for most people another three day weekend has passed. If you were fortunate, that meant you spent the past few days drinking, sleeping, drinking, eating, and drinking again. But even in the midst of good ole weekend fun, there was TV to be had, and unfortunately, not much of it was spectacular. We had the frenetic, migraine-inducing Jonny Zero, some old fashioned "Dead Person's Remains In Your Face" on Desperate Housewives, a snooze-tastic Golden Globes show, and oh yeah, two missed field goals by the Jets (but we won't talk about that). Where to begin?

Jonny Zero: Here's a question. How can you tell something is urban on Fox? If you answered "shaky cameras", "jump cuts", or "grainy filters", you are correct! Such were the lessons learned on Fox's latest attempt to catch the gritty world of Da Streetz. Yes, "Jonny Zero" finally made its muscle-clad arrival Friday night, and after a brief bout of nausea brought on by an assault of edits, I was able to settle in and kind of enjoy this determinedly OK show. Unfortunately, the first episode seemed to borrow heavily from the Stephen Soderbergh school of obvious camera filters, but at least there weren't a bunch of pretentious, hyper kinetic camera movements to distract me from the action. Oh wait. There were. Sort of surprising, considering the director of the episode was none other than Mimi Leder, whose previous foray into gritty drama was über-schmaltzfest, "Pay It Forward." No word yet if Haley Joel Osment has any plans to pop up as a troubled youth ready to take on Jonny Zero (or is his name Calvo? I don't know. Nay, I don't care). Speaking of actors, the cast seems to have cornered the market on "G" celebrities as it stars Frankie G and some guy named GQ (I think he was the white guy in "Drumline"). I'm hopeful that Warren G., McG, or G. Gordon Liddy will join the cast in the imminent future, but I'm not holding my breath. Impressively enough, the show did feature a pleasant level of blood and violence, but if there's anything The OC has taught us, any edginess will soon be replaced with banter and Cotillions. I wouldn't be surprised to see Frankie G babbling about comic books and Death Cab for Cutie next week.

Desperate Housewives: Looks like the women of Wisteria Lane are back up to their shenanigans. You know, the typical ones that so many suburban mothers deal with: shooting a guy in the foot, getting your neighbor's ashen remains thrown in your face, toying with your husband on house arrest, pretending your kid has cancer so you can get into yoga. I mean, watching this show is like watching a biography of my mom and her friends. Of course, the world of "Desperate Housewives" is its own bizarro place. We learned that Mike the Plumber/ Sketchy Kitchen Man may or may not have killed a mysterious Diedre, who may or may not be Mary Alice Whats-Her-Name. We also learned that Bree is erotically drawn to pistols, even when presented by non-erotic figures, like her new pharmacist friend/casual stalker. You see, after a botched date resulted in Bree shooting friendly George Williams in the foot, the freshly toe-less wonder slunk back to his house where he found consolation in old security footage of Bree talking to him in the pharmacy. You know, the more creepy lurkers the merrier. Now we have George, Zach, Zach's dad, Mike, and the occasional menace of Richard Roundtree. Eventually this show will just turn into lots of people peering mischievously at each other from behind draperies and trees.

As for Susan, life as a closeted arsonist finally caught up with her as she found herself needing to tell Edie about that whole pesky home-burning experience. Edie took the news relatively well, although she did empty an urn's worth of Mrs. Huber's ashes on Susan's face. Amazingly, Edie opted not to narc on her pyromaniac friend but instead requested to be simply invited to the Tuesday poker game. Most awkward poker game EVER. Elsewhere on Wisteria Lane, Lynette shaved her kid's head to get gum out of his hair, but when the local biatches at the health club thought her boy was suffering from cancer, she was treated to complimentary access to yoga classes. Of course this very "Curb Your Enthusiasm" plot line ended in public humiliation as a cancer survivor attempted to lionize Lynette's kid. And so another week passed with the excellent Felicity Huffman relegated to the sidelines of the Wisteria Lane scandals.

In the dependably uninteresting department, Gabrielle's ongoing battle with her possessive husband reached finger lickin' levels as she tortured the grumpy douchebag with a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken - or "Fried Chicken" as its apparently known on sponsor-free Wisteria Lane. The problems began when Carlos, freshly on house arrest, demanded a baby. Unfortunately, this plan was at odds with Gabrielle's plan of doing... something (possibly another yard boy). To show that she was wearing the pants in the house now, Gabrielle deprived her husband of the fried chicken he so desperately wanted and chowed down in the street, safely outside of his ankle bracelet radius. She was then driven over by Bree's son. Oh wait, that was a different episode. Would have been a nice touch though.

The Golden Globes: Here's the truth. One of us was going to do some sort of live blogging of these awards, but honestly, the show was so damn bad we couldn't bring ourselves to do anything but wallow in the plodding production. For once, this really isn't NBC's fault. The show is the same year in and year out. There's no host, no musical numbers, and barely any badinage. It's all up to the winners to entertain us with their speeches and drunken reaction shots. But this year, not even Robin Williams could get it done. Nearly every speech started with faux-modesty and then immediately descended into uninspired name dropping of agents, producers, and accountants. Glenn Close and Annette Benning prattled on like two crazy old bats while Jason Bateman acted like he had no idea he would win — and then busted out his speech thanking around 40 people, including the cleaning lady, the guy at the gas station, and a few checkout people at Gelson's.

There were a few highlights. Jamie Foxx executed his wonderfully rehearsed speech perfectly. He even peppered it with a few Ray Charles impersonations, just in case we forgot what he'd won for. Hilary Swank spiced up her laundry list of "thank you's" with occasional film criticism (she said Clint Eastwood's role in "Million Dollar Baby" was the performance of his career - and then went back to thanking people). Robin Williams managed to spew out ten unique voices during his generally nonsensical acceptance speech. Mick Jagger managed to dis all the Paramount blokes who've recently been laid off. Mischa Barton was dependably awkward and talentless as she read the teleprompter. And Mariska Hargitay not only made her dad cry on national television, but she proved to us just how cold it was in that ballroom...

Possibly the most amusing portion of the night came when Diane Keaton dazzled the audience with her tight tweed blazer and billowy chiffon dress combination. I suppose it was all part of the Scamp Couture fashion trend she's been trying to pioneer these days.

I'm sure there were other highlights and lowlights, but at this point, most of the show has been blocked out of my memory.

You Dropped the Bomb On Me

Apparently there are still some people out there who still haven't tuned into watch an episode of 24 during it's most excellent fourth season. I know that many of you out there were annoyed at the second season of the show, and many people simply turned the show off during the wasteland that was the third season. But if you haven't tuned into the fourth season because of something stupid the show had done in the past, you are even more dumb and stubborn than Brian Grazer for continuing on in life with that stupid haircut of his. Therefore, TVgasm implores you to give Jack Bauer another try. And if you're listening Mr. Grazer, Cristophe is just down the street. Go and make an appointment already, you still have time before we once again laugh at you during the Oscars.

Jack Bauer left us with a slight cliffhanger in the previous episode when his car was pulled over and he was taken into custody by the police. I call it a slight cliffhanger because we all know that they could pull a few strings at CTU and Jack would be let off without any problem. That turned out to be exactly the case, as Driscoll was so happy that Jack had executed a plan to follow Kalil that she not only had the police let Jack go, but also put him in charge of the field operations for the next part of the mission. The sheriffs sent for Jack's car, and he was off to track Kalil in hopes of finding the base of the terrorist cell and putting an end to the transmission of Secretary Heller's trial before it begins.

Throughout this whole time, Heller and his daughter Audrey have been fairly pragmatic through their entire ordeal when you come to think about it. Neither one of them wants to go down without a fight, but with the time of the trial, they were willing to take extraordinary measures in order to prevent the inevitable from happening. Knowing that they would likely die in any scenario, they tried to storm out of the castle in the previous hour, but were now chained together in a small cell so they had almost no chance of escape.

Secretary Heller decides that since they are not going to let him live, he must kill himself, but he needs his daughter to provide the leverage on the chains or it won't work. Audrey refuses, but after giving it a moment's though, notices that there is a gas line inside their cell. She realizes that they aren't going to keep her alive either, and they decide to break off the end of a pipe in order to release the gas. Given the circumstances, you have to admit that it would be an easier way to die than say, a decapitation. The two of them shimmy their way over to the pipe, release the gas, and begin their slow wait until death.

Back at CTU, Marianne is just beginning to use her leverage on Edgar to her advantage. She is like the younger, much hotter version of Sherry Palmer. She knows how to manipulate people, and is using it to advance her career.Edgar talks tough and says he isn't going to be anybody's bitch, but caves in when Marianne threatens to tell Driscoll. Marianne wants a level three clearance, which basically gives you free reign to socket, firewall, and pipeline computers to your heat's content. She gets it, but Curtis has his eye on her, and knows that something is going down between her and Edgar.

Driscoll still has to deal with Chloe, and we follow her into the cell. Now it was our dream that Chloe would rise from the ashes like the Phoenix and once again come to rule over CTU with her special type of iron fist. Alas, that was not to be the case, as Driscoll made her pay the price for her disloyalty. The CTU director did show that she is not a completely cold-hearted bitch. (After all, Chloe did help Jack with the plan that turned out to be the right one). Chloe was forced to resign, and therefore wasn't subjected to any sorts of penalties or charged with any crimes.

I was really upset with Chloe's departure, but sort of intrigued as well. All of this time, we been used to Chloe saying things that made others around her feel awkward. Since she was soon going to be gone for good, she must have had some great things to say, and in true form Chloe did not disappoint. First, she addressed her main rival, Sarah, and told her that she wasn't upset that Sarah had watched her, but was appalled at the unprofessional manner she went about it. "If you had only used a Nuemann filter", Chloe said, Sarah would have been able to spy on Chloe without being detected. It was the biggest bitchslap Chloe has doled out since her appearance on the show. But Chloe still has a warm heart. Before she is escorted out, she tells Edgar that he's a geek, but still a good guy and wishes him luck. That's just pure compassion.

I know that everybody was wondering just what was going on over at the Araz household. After killing her son's girlfriend, Dina realizes that the job is not done. No, I am not talking about disposing of the body. Her husband had expected Behrooz to shoot Debbie, and if he comes home and finds out she was only poisoned, there will be no Zankou chicken for dinner that night. Dina doesn't want anything crazy to happen, so she shoots Debbie in the stomach and gives Behrooz the gun in just enough time for his father to return and fawn longingly over his son over his first slaughter of an innocent. I guess that's another one for the scrapbook. Behrooz is instructed to take Debbie's car to someplace remote and make sure nobody follows him, and for real this time.

Just when you think everything is happy in the Araz household, Debbie's mom Karen walks to the door and starts asking questions about Debbie. See, she was supposed to go to the dermatologist, and the appointment was going to take weeks to reschedule, so she wanted to talk to Behrooz and see if he knew where he was. Dina and Navi try and get rid of Karen, but Debbie's cell phone rings, and she knows that Debbie specifically downloaded it, so there must be something screwy going on. Behrooz walks in to save the day, saying that it was his cell phone, and that he and Debbie downloaded it while they were going out. He makes up an excuse for not hearing from Debbie, and so Karen seems satisfied and leaves. The whole time this was going on, I thought that Shohreh was going to simply kill Karen and get it over with and when Navi instructed his wife to follow Karen and make sure she doesn't cause any trouble, you know shit is going to happen in the next episode.

Jack has stayed hot on the trail of Kalil, who pulls up behind an old station wagon once he is about twenty minutes away from his destination. Like people are wont to do in Los Angeles, Kalil wait a split second before slamming his horn for the people in front of him to get a move on. It wasn't such a good idea, as the three occupants of the car want to give Kalil a hard time for driving while Muslim (DWM). Just as things are about to get a little crazy, Kalil is saved by a sheriff who happens to drive by, and notices the confrontation. He breaks up the altercation, and apologizes Kalil for the way the acted. But, like all good police scenes, the officer has to run the plates on the car to make sure there is nothing else going on. Being that Kalil is driving a stolen car, he knows that he is toast and has almost no chance of pulling through. It must have been like the feeling Oklahoma felt after playing the first quarter against USC in the Orange Bowl.

But Kalil has Jack Bauer on his side. Knowing that it is all important that Kalil get to his destination, Jack ordered a halt on the APB that was issued for the truck Kalil had stolen. Just before the sheriff is going to slap some cuffs on Kali, he backs off and he is on his way. You would think Kalil would be relieved but he is not. I do know that he would be a lot more comfortable if he learned how to use his truck's AC. He's all sweaty and flustered, while Jack is the model of a cool demeanor. He may not care about his own comfort, but Kalil is concerned with the overall safety of his mission. When the officers were running his plates, he noticed that backup was coming, but they pulled off at the last minute. Kalil knows that this must mean he is being followed, and he tells as much to Omar over the phone. (Thankfully for us viewers, Kalil didn't think that these people who were tracking him could also tap his cell phone, so we get to hear his conversations.)

Jack also gets to listen in on these cell phone conversations, and when he hears Kalil's conversation, he sets up a roadblock and prepares to capture Kalil so he can then do a field interrogation on him. Kalil never gives Jack that chance, however, as he swerves into the oncoming traffic and slams himself into a huge dump truck. And whatever slim hope any of us had that Kalil still might be alive and able to give some information with his last words was shattered when the truck proceeded to explode. While the interrogation never happened, since Jack knew that Kalil was close to returning, CTU was able to narrow their satellite surveillance of the area, and started work on identifying the location of the terrorist cell using heat signatures.

Omar realizes that Kalil has martyred himself, but something else is bother him. "I smell gas" he says. In the background it looked like one of his henchman was admiring himself on the old "silent but deadly" fart scheme, while the other was about to chime in with the always prudent "you smelt it, you dealt it" advice. Both scenarios were incorrect, as they quickly realized that it smelled like natural gas, and it seemed to be coming from their prisoners' cell. They pull out Heller and Audrey, and once in the fresh air, they begin to wake up. I guess 45 minutes in a gas leak wasn't enough, maybe they need a match next time. As Audrey is waking up, she gets a glimpse at one of the computer experts and recognizes him, which gives us a first hint of the mole that might have been responsible for the original security lapse in Heller's itinerary.

Just as all of this is going down, Jack arrives on the scene. He is contact with CTU and learns from Curtis that while the Marines are planning to storm the compound, there is no plan for them to keep Audrey alive, only to rescue the Secretary of Defense. Soon after, he learns from Driscoll that the president had authorized an air strike on the compound. In the interest of national security, the president decided that the public humiliation and probable execution of Heller on television would be a sign of weakness. Convinced that Heller would have probably approved of the strike himself, the President gives the go ahead and the bombing coordinates are set.

Having seen his wife killed and having invested so much time into trying to keep Kate Warner sane, Jack was not about to let Audrey go without a fight. Storm a fortified terrorist compound by himself with no backup might sound a lot for one man, but it's a day in the park for Jack. Unfortunately, we will have to wait until next week, as the hour ended before we got to see Jack go medieval on some ass.

They Are Real, But Not So Spectacular - Or - Check Out Her Other Golden Globes

In the february edition of FHM, we can expect Desperate Housewives star, Lois Lane, to shed both clothes and dignity. Answering the wishes and dreams of teenage boys across America, Teri Hatcher has agreed to allow her form to be photographed in seductive scantily clad poses. Sadly, those wishes and dreams where made nearly 13 years go, also known as the pre Radio Shack years when we mostly knew her as Lois. Fortunately a few skin peels, a little botox and a schmeckle of lip plumping later and you can barely tell the difference.

After the jump, please enjoy the FHM pics as well as Teri Hatcher's two known topless photo's proving once and for all, though they may be real...they are not spectacular.

UPDATE: TVgasm.com was served with it's first cease and desist! We have been forced to take down the pictures of Teri Hatcher from the Feb 2005 issue of FHM. But we still have her more revealing pics after the jump. ENJOY!

Amazing what a good bra can do.
Not spectacular.
SoNotSpectacular.

When Mom and Dad are Away

Is it just me, or is emasculation a all too regular occurrence on The OC over the first couple of seasons? Where have all the assholes gone? Last year we had Luke, but he got in touch with himself and lives in Portland. Ryan used to be a tough guy, but after that pregnancy scare, he seems to have no need to rebel any longer. Seth? Oh come on, don't make me laugh. Where are the bad guys? Even Caleb has settled down, unwilling to ruffle any feathers since he is still trying to explain this whole "I had a bastard child 16 years ago" thing. What we have left is Julie Cooper, who is a great villian, but she has to do too much work, even though she seems to have the balls to do it. With that said, let's tune into another episode of the men of the OC, and how powerless they are when it comes to the women in their lives.

We started the episode in a very familiar way - at the Cohen breakfast table, but there seemed to be something strangely missing from the whole scene. Like Seth. Ryan is about to have some cereal, but where is Seth to complete the little Abbot and Costello routine? Well, it turns out that Seth had escaped to Alex's place, and by the looks of they have been using those interlocking body parts of theirs to mutual satisfaction. Seth calls Ryan to ask for him to cover with his parents, because like me, they are going to be quite surprised when he is not at the breakfast table before we go to our first commercial break. Ryan does attempt to cover for Seth, but he fails miserably. He says that Seth left early for school to do a report on the history of agriculture in 20th century California. For some reason, Ryan is a terrible liar. I guess all of that time with Theresa didn't teach him anything. Coming up with an excuse for a friend's absence is nothing like faking a miscarriage. I think it is just another notch in his sanctimonious belt.

At Harbor, we soon learn that nighttime liaisons are not Seth's forte either. Maybe it's just his first time, but how can somebody not have the good sense to bring a new shirt or something if you are planning at sleeping over at your girl's house? You have a backpack, throw some Right Guard and shirt in there so you aren't such a dirt bag the next day at school. And let's hope to God that he brought a toothbrush, or at least did the "toothpaste on the finger" trick, although depending on where his fingers have been, it may have been better not to. Anyway, it's quite evident that Seth is definitely "morning after", which of course upsets Summer. She has had a ride on the Seth train, and has not yet had a chance to give Zach a ride. Again, I start to wonder just how savvy Summer is. Surely she should know by now that she can get her man to do anything after a blow job or two. Things haven't changed that much since I graduated, have they?

Although Sandy and Kirsten are upset about Seth, they each have have more important things on their mind. Basically, Sandy not only forgot that he was about to have another wedding anniversary, but he forgot that it was their twentieth anniversary. Sandy tries to convince Kirsten that he did remember, but it was such a big surprise that he didn't want to ruin the surprise by mentioning it. Uh, yeah.

Sandy is convinced that he has to come down hard on Seth and Ryan for lying. Hey, I don't blame him. Alex has so far led Seth to drinking and auto theft, armed robbery and homicide are the only things left, or at least that's what the Natural Born Killers school of parenting has me to believe. Sandy grounds them both, meaning no video games, no going out, etc., etc. The only thing they can do is study. He says that if they can't behave, he is going to have them stay at their grandfather's house, which means they will be under the supervision of Julie Cooper. It's more than enough to keep them in line, or at least that's what we think.

Well, luckily for Ryan, his study partner also happens to be his main source of nookie, meaning she should have no problem sneaking by the guards, which is of course the case. (By the way, I really hope Lindsay goes shopping with Kirsten more often. Lindsay must have found the slutty top section of the mall because she was bustin out all over the place.) Ryan and Lindsay are still having some reservations about revealing their relationship to Kirsten, so they are still trying to hide the fact that they are an item. But why wait? Wouldn't it be even more cruel to lull her into some sense of normalcy, then pull that rug out from under her? And why is Kirsten so sensitive? One of her sisters spent the summer sleeping with her high school boyfriend, is it that strange to see your other sister with your adopted son? If she was pregnant, then I would start worrying.

Anyway, Lindsay comes over to "study". And in the history of high school romance, there has never been a boyfriend and girlfriend pair who are ever able to study in one of another's bedroom. It's more than obvious that they are soon going to be all over each other, and that turns out to be the case. It's also not a surprise that Kirsten walks in on them as they are in the middle of their little make out session. Can somebody remind me why Ryan hasn't learned how to use the locks on his door as of yet? Kirsten can't look, but what she sees is not nearly as bad as what happens when Sandy went to check on Seth. Despite being warned about Julie Cooper, Sandy caught Seth just as he was about to step out of his window. Once again, these kids fail high school 101. You wait until your parents are asleep before you sneak out. Parents are old, and they get up early. These guys are so inept, they probably can't even forge doctor's notes when they want to skip class, not that I would know if that was easy or not.

I also have a little problem with Ryan's choice of music during his little tussle in the sheets. Come on! Journey!. I know that Laguna Beach is 99% white, but SOMEBODY in that town should have some soul, at least when they are about to get between the sheets. Let me suggest some Al Green, perhaps the Isley Brothers? And if you aren't that old school or original, there is a little something called Urban Hang Suite, that never disappoints. If for nothing else than my own sanity, please let me know that TVgasm readers aren't doing the nasty to such bad music. It hurts me. Save the Journey for your seventh grade dances. That's all for now from the J-Unit Public Service Announcement Department.

OK, back on topic. To try and make up for their transgressions, Ryan and Seth make a pancake breakfast the next day. They promise that they have learned from their mistakes, and they are ready for whatever punishment is to be dealt. Sandy is not convinced(an did throw a slightly out of place Nazi humor in the mix), and later that day, he goes to see Alex at the bait shop. He convinces her to think a little bit about what is going on with her and Seth. I guess I can see why Sandy is upset about his son and what's going on, but as long as his grades aren't dropping and he isn't doing drugs, what is so bad with a little bit of play every now and then? Alex takes the hint and effectively breaks up with Seth when he goes to visit her at her house after school.

Despite all of his good work, Sandy still fights with Kirsten. In light of the new evidence, she decided that there is no way they can leave for the weekend on their little spa vacation that Sandy had planned. She cancelled the trip because she can't stand the thought of them alone, having sex with people old enough to be her sister. You know, Sandy is a lawyer, but he can't figure out that he can get Kirsten out of the house fairly easily? We all know she drinks like a fish when she is under high stress, so why can't he just fill her up with wine and whisk her away while she sleeps one off?

Meanwhile, Summer wishes that somebody was telling her to stop banging Zach, largely because it would mean that she would have to be banging Zach in order for somebody to tell them to stop. She tried dropping a few hints on her boy about taking their relationship to the next level, but for Zach, that only meant introducing Summer to his mom and sister. When it came time for the big day, it turns out that Zach's dad was still tied up in Washington, and only his mom and sister were there to meet her. Now Summer is one perky girl, but her grasp on human and world events is sort of limited. Not because she is dumb, but because she has lived the spoiled and sheltered life like most people in her town. So when Zach's sister asked her about Kashmir, the disputed region of India, Summer thought she was talking about cashmere, the undisputed king of sweaters the world over. I was quickly tired of how righteous Zach's sister was. She was so proud of how she was helping out poor villages in India, I thought to myself "Good job. 50 down, only 800 million left that are living in poverty. Aren't YOU the hero?".

Summer is convinced that Zach is going to break up with her, and she is not the only one who is thinking the same thing. Ryan saw how much of a problem Kirsten had with his relationship with Lindsay, so he broke up with her, saying he needed some "Time and Space". This came as a huge blow to Lindsay, who only minutes before had told Kirsten that she liked Ryan too much to lose him, and they decided that maybe it was better just being friends.

Marissa is not immune from the breakup bug either. A magazine editor came over to take a picture of the Nichol house with Julie, Caleb, and Marissa. Julie had hoped that it would be a way to show what a happy family they were, even though it was far from the truth. I am starting to think that the youngest Cooper sister is not just away at boarding school. If she doesn't show up in the next couple of episodes, there is nothing else to conclude except that they buried her in the backyard, maybe underneath the pool. Unless the boarding school is in Cuba, she should have been back for the holidays. But whatever. Marissa told DJ that his mother would be happy to have them in the picture with them, which was of course a lie. Marissa hoped that the little DJ ambush would fluster her mom into letting him in the picture. The only one confused was Caleb, who still doesn't realize that DJ was fired many weeks ago. DJ leaves, and Julie tells her daughter that she is going to catch up with him and get him to come back, because you know, it's Marissa's happiness that counts. In reality, Julie attempts to pay DJ off, and tells him that he was just a fling to piss her off anyway.

Although Kirsten has resigned herself to staying at home during her anniversary, Sandy has other plans. He knows that the boys might misbehave, so he hires a couple of off-duty officers to watch over them. Sandy could have saved himself some money and cuffed them to a pipe downstairs. They could easily go a couple of days locked up somewhere. Despite the presence of the troopers, Seth and Ryan somehow escape, and the officers have to interrupt Kirsten and Sandy's magical anniversary moment. And they know just where to look. The Bait Shop! There just happens to be no event going on, so of course Ryan and Seth are doing something diabolical inside. Well, not quite. Actually, the cops and the drive to the Bait Shop was an elaborate plan concocted by Sandy to surprise his wife for her anniversary. And what better way to prove you love than to embarrass her by singing her old blues songs. (To tell you the truth, Peter Gallagher has a good voice, but the lip synching was way off. Still, better overall than another sucky indie band looking to get rid of their street cred. You can even buy his song at the iTunes Music Store.)

The party became the time when all of the relationships were mended once more. Summer, who had been reading The New Republic and The Nation to try and bone up on things Zach may have been interested in, found out that Zach likes her just the way she is, and knowing that Kuala Lampur is the capital of indonesia is not that important. Ah ha! What a huge mistake, the writers should be ashamed. Well, except two seconds later, Summer corrects Zach, and all is right in the world.

Ryan and Lindsay made up. Kirsten said that it was going to take some time, but she will get used to it. But I am not leaving out the possibility that she calls in Theresa just to break them up. Seth finally introduces Alex to his mom, and they are happy to finally meet. It might take a little bit of the spice out of a relationship, but it's always best if your parents know.

Everybody is happy, well, except for Marissa. DJ comes to the party, and tells her that they can't see each other anymore, it was good while it lasted, we had fun, it's not you, it's me, i'm not ready for a girlfriend, etc., etc. Marissa is convinced that her mother is behind it with the extortion check and all, but DJ lets her know that it was his own decision. So, Marissa's heart is broken, but she did get the blank check back from DJ, so she can go out and buy some proper drugs.

So, in the end, there is some hope for the OC men. DJ was able to take control of his own destiny, and despite being the lawn boy, probably has most of his dignity still in tact. The same cannot be said about Zach, who is the only son of a Senator who doesn't use that whole thing as a way to meet girls, or Ryan who is so confused about his priorities he broke up with a girl so as not to upset his mom, and Seth, who is so obviously in line to be dumped right after Alex gets really bored of the nice guy routine.

If somebody doesn't grow a set of nuts soon, but let's hope they don't bring in another Oliver just because they need to have a couple more jerks to even things out.

"Hey!" Count: Episode - 11, Season Total - 90

More Shenanigans on The Bachelorette 3

Looks like The Bachelorette has been caught in the act yet again. Just a few days after TVgasm revealed to the world that potential suitor Fabrice is gay, we bring news of yet another oversight in casting. Jerry, the dreamy stud who literally swept bachelorette Jen Schefft off her feet, is a reality veteran. You see, while Jerry's bio claims he's an art gallery director, fans of The Real World: Back to New York might be more familiar with his OTHER job —  that of a doorman at one Harry Winston's. Yes, Jerry is the famous doorman who seduced the lovestruck Lori for a multi-episode arc, only to act like she had five heads after she finally had the nerve to ask him on a date (suddenly he was "engaged"). I suppose I should have realized Jerry's reality whore tendencies after I walked past Harry Winston's two years ago and he was eagerly taking photos with adolescent girls.

Nevertheless, this ranks as yet another blow to Jen Schefft who has now been saddled with a gay man and a recycled reality star. And let's not mention the Joe Millionaire-ish explanation Jerry's gonna have to give when he tries to pass off the Harry Winston storefront as an "art gallery".

Thanks to the sharp eyes who tipped us off. If anyone has any pictures of Jerry at his Harry Winston post, e-mail me at bside@tvgasm.com.

Amazing Race is The Anti-Swan

Initially I was reluctant to post the nude photo's of Amazing Race's Victoria Fuller. I didn't want to objectify her, especially after watching her being all but beaten week after week. But then something occurred to me.

Naked hot chicks are are not something to be shielded or protected. They are to be held up and revered. Who am I but one man? How dare I prevent the viewing of breasts and other such bits and pieces? Well I submit that I should not.

I am not sure how old these photos are but I do find it interesting that she is strikingly different looking. Even Ami Cusacks photo's share a likeness, but Victoria's Playboy pics are either so masterfully airbrushed, or happened sooo many beatings ago. That I can barely recognize the lady.

Thankfully the good people at Reality TV Pools have an easy to browse gallery of Victoria Fullers naked airbrushedness.

Enjoy, and remember...Hairy palms make sending TvGasm your thoughts difficult, and Blindness makes reading TvGasm impossible. So enjoy the pictures, but please...be safe.

What Would Mom & Dad Say?

Incest, diarrhea, hallucinations, and a giant monster in the woods. It sounds like a great weekend at the Manson Ranch in 1968, but alas, it’s just some of the insanity on ABCs LOST which made last night’s episode yet another ratings juggernaut.

We've become accustomed to the LOST weekly format. Focus on one characters journey on the island to find themselves. Intercut that with flashbacks of their lives in the days an weeks leading up to the island. Sprinkle in a dash of Hurley saying something funny beginning with "Dude." And then end it with some incredibly vague final note that could quite possibly mean just about anything.

Thus is the nature of LOST, and dammit that’s why we keep watching. That and the hopes of having at least one loose end tied up before J.J. Abrams creates three more loose ends. Last night's episode began with Locke and Boone secretly spending alone time in the woods trying to find a way to open the metal hatch revealed a few episodes back. For some reason Locke feels the rest of the island isn't ready for the hatch. Whenever they say "hatch" on the Lost island, my mind immediately thinks of a large naked gay man on another island....but I digress. When Boone tells Locke he’s thinking of telling his sister, Locke casually bashes Boones head in with the butt of his knife then ties him up in a well knotted rope and a certain white goop in his hair. Add a "special hug" and Locke sounds like myBoy Scout Troop Leader.

One of the less needed moments was Hurly's doctor visit with Jack where we find out he’s been eating a diet of mostly fruits and vegetables and not enough protein and now, he has a pooping problem. I can believe that Jack saw his dead dad. I can believe Locke is no longer confined to his wheel chair. Hell I can even buy into Sawyer as a bad guy and not an underwear model. But Mr. JJ Abrams, the one thing I refuse to buy is that Hurley for the past 3 weeks has eaten nothing but fruits and vegetables. Even Aaron from the Biggest Loser lost 30 lbs in the first 3 weeks of the show. I'm just saying he's still a little heavy is all.

Hurly must now try to forge a friendship with Jin, the Korean assassin / wonderful fisherman, in order to get some protein in his system. Sadly while fishing with Jin, Hurly steps on a sea urchin which required to be peed upon to relieve the pain. (Though I surmise that after three lonely weeks on the island, Hurley may have been faking it to get his dirty rocks off, still haven't seen Hurley’s pre-island story....I vote Aussie-fetish club).

Speaking of flashbacks, this week’s flashback focused on Boone and his relationship with his sister Shannon. After receiving a frantic call from Shannon, a wealthy Boone, flies out to Australia to save her from an abusive boyfriend. When Shannon refuses to leave, Boone goes to the cops to enlist their help. It is then that we learn the two are merely step brother and sister, who have been living with each other since the ages of 8 and 10. Immediately this opens the door for a very wrong sex scene which is sure to happen at any moment. When the police refuse to intervene, Boone does what any good brother would do and offers $25,000 to her abuser to leave her. Clearly the abuser has learned the art of the "haggle" at the Aussie Market, because ultimately Boone pays out $50,000.
**lesson learned, beat the shit out of as many woman as I can, there is money to be had in it** This isn't the first time Boone has paid to bail out Shannon from a bad relationship. When he goes to pick her up and take her home, we learn maybe Shannon is not as dumb as one would have use believe. Not only is she not leaving, but she staged the abuse to get the check from big brother. She's one smart cookie. Not smart enough to escort her boyfriend to the bank, because once he cashed that check, he split.

Now Shannon really is in trouble. She's broke, alone, vulnerable, drunk, horny and at HER BROTHERS DOOR!! What better time to call him out on the fact that he is in love with you and you have known for years. Well at least she didn't nibble on his ear, because that would be a low blow. WHAT?! She DID!? Oh, well then who can blame him for banging his sister, I mean we've all be there right? **TVGASM EDITORS NOTE - No, we haven’t all been there** The morning after they bang, Shannon decides that she would like things to remain as they were. Proving once again, woman only use us men for sex, with no regards to our feelings or emotion. We are objectified.

Meanwhile back on the island. A tied up Boone is taking a gentle nap when he wakes up to his sister screaming for help. He manages to untie himself and run to Shannon who Locke as tied to a tree. Once untied the two run from the "Something" and hide in what amounted to a random cage of tall bamboo that the giant was unable to penetrate. Once the giant leaves the two emerge from the tree's and begin to head back to camp....but uh oh...the giant is still there and run as they may, the giant catches up to Shannon and lifts her into the air. Boone finds her bloody carcass by a stream and JJ Abrams finally lives up to his promise of killing off leads.

When Boone returns to camp he has one thing on his mind, revenge. He attacks Locke with a knife; but Lock, being the gold medal winner in hand to hand combat in last years special Olympics, dealt with Boone easily. When Boone tells Locke that Shannon died, Locke gestures to left where not 10 feet away Shannon his hanging out with Sayid by the cave. Turns out Locke drugged Boone to help him learn his island lesson.

YAWWWN!

This is where I fear JJ Abrams run the risk of alienating the viewers. This is the second time he has almost killed off a player and then didn't have the sac to pull the trigger. I don't mind being taken for rides on shows like this, but I will not waste hour after hour watching a set up only to find out "it was all a dream." That’s not creative imaginative or really all that fair to the viewer. Ill let this one slide, but if it happens much more, they may lose a viewer.

The episode ended with Boone admitting when he thought Shannon died he felt "Relieved" Locke suggested that meant it was time to move on. And the two head back into the woods together. Presumably to finally get that special hug.

Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Scabies But Were Too Afraid To Ask

This is the true story of seven strangers picked to live in a house, work together, play together and find out what happens when they stop being polite, and start getting scabies.

Such was the case on this week's lice-tastic installment of The Real World. MTV, a pioneer in portraying racism, homosexuality, AIDs, eating disorders, rape, and abortion, has now tackled that ever elusive social dilemma: SCABIES! Now before you chime in and say "Isn't that something you get if you're out to sea too long?" please remember that you might be thinking of scurvy, which I'm sure will be addressed in any future episodes that might take place on a pirate ship. Hmmm... Real World Pirate Ship. I like it... I like it...

So anyway, Melanie has scabies, although at the outset of the episode she thought she was merely suffering from a bad case of acne. You know, the kind of acne where bugs crawl out of your pimples. Dr. Landon weighed in with his official prescription: "Don't wear underwear." Thanks. Curiously, that's also his remedy for girls who fear they're too drunk.

While Mel scratched at her cute little pock marks, the group learned that they must present a proposal to the Philly Soul execs regarding that pesky playground they've been working on. Are you kidding me? The top officers at this company need to approve a playground? Don't they have more pressing issues to deal with like "How can we get people to actually watch our games?" or "How do we parlay these jobs into real jobs at the NFL?" Apparently not. I guess this playground meeting will be scheduled between other urgent proposals such as a ban on pink highlighters and a motion to purchase more coffee filters.

Meanwhile, as Landon and MJ soaked their stresses away in an intimate hot tub moment, Melanie returned to the compound with news from the doctor. She has... not scurvy, not rabies, but scabies! Mmmmm... body lice. Melanie begged the guys to "be nice!" and they obliged by practically throwing a parade through downtown Philadelphia announcing Mel's affliction. "Mel has scabies!" they cackled as Karamo, not even really knowing what the ailment was, immediately recoiled and went running for a shower as if he were the modern day incarnation of Karen Silkwood.

Well faaantastic. Let the scabies awareness begin! The entire household, and by extension, America, received a crash course in scabies 101 which was about as stimulating as watching an inchworm getting tangled in a dust bunny. Actually, that's pretty dope. Never mind the analogy. Still, the entire Real World mansion became a self-imposed biohazard zone as people alternately showered, sprayed their beds, threw pillows into the entryway, and then gossiped about Melanie. There was some scuttlebutt about burning all the linens, and I couldn't help wondering if the Plague had descended upon the mansion. I half expected a prayer circle to break out, lest Jesus torment the roommates with another brutal wave of lice seeking the reality TV limelight.

Willie, meanwhile, gagged at the thought of lice violating his personal space, noting that nothing has ever crawled into any crevasse of his body (technically, penis doesn't "crawl"). Seriously though, haven't these people ever had a pet with fleas? Just spray around a little bit. Besides, I guarantee these pests weren't nearly as bad as anything Sarah's unleashed on the house from her nether regions.

In the midst of all this, a jolly doctor arrived to examine all the would-be scabies hosts, and much to their joy and happiness, everyone seemed to be largely free of critters and bugs. Everyone except pigpen Mel, whose infestation proved that she could be safely labeled house pariah. Later, Shavonda, MJ and Landon convened at a local bar to ostracize Melanie even more. Landon took offense to how Melanie had poo-pooed his reading of the scabies shampoo directions. Shavonda took offense to how every sentence Melanie started was in the middle of hers. And MJ took offense to... well, he had a far off expression which made me think he was either pondering Niels Bohr's contributions to society or daydreaming about the color purple. Probably the latter.

Still, this whole scabies thing was a perfect springboard for Shavonda to voice her objections to Mel. "How do you sit someone down and say 'your personality annoys me'?" she asked. I don't know. Let me try: Shavonda, you are a miserably annoying person. Every time you talk, you spew out verbal scabies. Shut up and go away.

That seemed to work fine.

With all these critters buzzing around, we almost forgot about that all important playground proposal. Luckily the kids found a clean sanctuary in the drab offices of the Philly Soul where they could hammer out their Power Point presentation scabies free. Unfortunately, the lack of alcohol transformed Landon into the biggest louse of all as he refused to accept Sarah and Shavonda's input. This led to the standard quarreling, with Landon pulling the passive aggressive "Fine, you do it!" resignation - hands flying over his head and all. A few minutes later, he explained "I want you to respect and listen to me." Yeah, because in like five minutes he'll be drunk and worthless. Gotta get him while it's good. Poor, sensitive Landon. His ego's been bruised. If only we could catch a glimpse of his inner psyche. I imagine it's something like this: "Girls.. bad! My ideas... good! Rage... building! Must... drink... ten beers... in two minutes. The alcohol will make it better. I'm a good boy then. Daddy won't beat me in my nightmares if I drink... Snowflakes are funny."

Perhaps sensing trouble on the horizon, MJ decided to butter up the execs ahead of the presentation by schmoozing with Mimi, the sexay Philadelphia Soul CFO. While he managed to find something flirtatiously jokey about making color copies, Mimi simply smiled and asked "You're not going to be late tomorrow, are you?" Ouch. Carolyn Kepcher, look out! The best part of all this though was watching some awkward fat guy try to squeeze by the two with a look on his face that seemed to say "Oh shit. There are the MTV cameras. Shit shit shit. Try to be cool. Act natural. Be yourself. Don't look in the lens - d'oh! Uh... Hi mom!"

Finally, the much ballyhooed presentation was upon us. Not only was this not in the conference room of the Philly Soul, but it was way out in the middle of nowhere in what appeared to be the Northern Home coffee lounge. Wow, these execs really have nothing to do at all. They're like "Someone's got Power Point in the suburbs? To the SoulMobile!" Amazingly enough, even Jon Bon Jovi with his lovely, soon to be lice infested hair showed up. It was pretty nice of him to take a break from that hectic Duracell commercial lifestyle.

Anyway, the roommates all got to work on their presentation, which seemed to go quite nicely. It even survived the treacly demand, "Let the children play!" Honestly, they should have just busted out some old White Lion: "When the children cry, let them know we tried. 'Cause when the children sing, then the new world begins." It's probably funnier if you can hear me actually singing...

In the end, everyone was incredibly impressed. Bon Jovi even gushed "I only hoped that you'd make us proud. You did it tenfold." He then added, "One might say you came through in a blaze of glory." Polite laughter. "One might say, this presentation was more than just halfway there - you were not living on a prayer. One might say, had you been disorganized, it would have been a shot through the heart. One might say..." At which point the president said, "Jon, we get it."

Actually, he said none of that. Instead he told the roomies that they'd be receiving a surprise later that afternoon. A surprise! Bug-eyes all around. We then cut to the mansion and lingered on the fishtank. So the surprise was new fish? Wow, worst season EVER! Actually, the surprise was more than just a piscine upgrade. At 2 PM, the doorbell rang and everyone bolted to the front door... which was jammed. Curses! Landon and MJ tried to turn the knob, but to no avail. Were there scabies in the lock? Or did the producers merely want to lock down the premises for a full scale fumigation? Didn't matter since the crafty dullards managed to unscrew the doorknob and snag their "surprise."

You know the drill - STA Travel bags, mp3 players, general chaos: they were going on vacation. But where? Everyone frantically searched their new luggage until someone had the bright idea of reading the attached itinerary. Turns out they were all headed to Fiji. Or as they said it, "FIJI!!!!!!!" The room devolved into a cacophony of shrieks, yelling, and dry humping as everyone acted as if they had just won $100 million from Powerball. Well, everyone but Sarah who was still rummaging through her bag for perhaps a wayward dildo. Someone had to actually fill her in. How did she not know? Could she not hear the six other idiots bouncing and screaming all around her? Well, not to fear. Sarah was soon jumping around like a Price Is Right winner after a successful round of Plinko. Scabies or no scabies, no one could take away this very special, dumb moment. Now only one question remains. Will the inevitable vacation fight ever be able to top last season's epic brawl in Greece? Methinks not!

Hey Verne, Is That You?

In a home riddle with Brady's and Brat's, Models and Mini-Me's, Chyna Doll's and Go-Go's Girl, it was only a matter of time before someone wound up in a corner on a scooter, drunk, naked and peeing on the carpet next to a horde of live exposed wires.

As the fourth season of Surreal Life kicks of on VH1, one thing becomes clear very quickly... Joanie Laurer's underwear isn't the only thing filled with nuts.

Review and VIDEO OF VERNE "MINI ME" TROYER NAKED PEEING on the carpet after the jump...

Self admitted D lister and reality TV junky Kathy Griffin either chose to help launch this fourth season by volunteering to be the checker cab driver who picks up each of the housemates and drops them off at the house, or she has hit rock bottom and is now a checker cab driver who happened to pick up the housemates and drop them off at the house. When you are so D-List it is hard to tell. One of the regulars on 21 Jump Street now refills my coffee at a local Hollywood eatery. So, just to clarify, these "stars" got the red carpet treatment not via limo or stretched SUV, but by way of...checker cab...oy.

First to arrive in the house was former WWE and current star of her own scary porn video Joanie Laurer A.K.A. Chyna Doll A.K.A. a dude. She chooses the only single room which seems some what "mini" as if it we designed for someone of small stature. Chyna happens to be about 9 feet tall, and there is also a person who is just over 2 feet tall entering the house...makes perfect sense she should take the room. Next up in the house is former Brady, Chris Night, who is emerging as the Dave Coulier of this season.
Others to emerge to the house of shame, Da Brat, Next Top Models Adrianne Curry, moron model Marcus Schenkenberg, Verne "Mini Me" Troyer and Jane Wiedlin from The Go-Go's.

When Verne arrives and finds his "special needs" room has been taken by Chyna Doll, he threatens to leave the house. Chyna encourages Verne to be the "bigger man" and just let the rooms remain as they are, but alas...he's no big man. After a brief encounter the likes of which haven't been seen since season 2 of Carnie Wilson's talk show, Chyna finally relents and the mini room goes to the mini man.

Once the room conflict's resolved, the cast gathers for "Dinner on Adrianne," ...literally. Forcing flashbacks to season 1 when Hammer and Emannuel Lewis refused to eat sushi off a naked woman, the cast of season four were all too thrilled to mow down off their housemate. Particularly Verne, who seemed more interested in Americas Next Top Table, than he was in the food. Thankfully someone had the sense to make "crab between your legs" and "tuna" jokes on the show, freeing me up from that responsibility.

As Verne was caressing and staring at the Next Top Table, he downed a few shots. making him too drunk to enjoy the nudity that ensued post dinner as Adria and Jane skinny dipped in the jacuzzi. He did come out later, just in time to drink some more and humoursly pass out on Chris Brady's arm. Though the fun was just to begin...

In what is sure to set the little person movement back several days, Verne later emerged from his room in the middle of the night naked, drunk, and rolling around in his scooter in a failed attempt to find a urinal. What he found instead was a corner of a room which he mistook for a urinal, which is easy to do since most urinals are often obstructed by big blue exercise balls. seen The video can be here.

I was too busy peeing myself from laughter to really know or care how the episode ended, but I did get a sample of how the housemates feel about Verne in their song entitled "The Pee-Song" set to air at a later date. That video can be seen here.

Well this promises to be an interesting season to say the least. when the first hour includes a nude model, a nude singer, a nude midget and urination....one never knows where rest of the season may go. I have $5 on Chris Brady stroking a Hawaiian Tiki while the 2 models defecating on Verne whilst Da Brat is on the phone with her manager begging to be let free. Guess we will just have to wait and see.

Whine and Cheese

When we last left our plucky group of adventurers on The Amazing Race, hefty traveler Gus and his quietly supportive daughter Hera were eliminated when a simple fording of the Danube river proved to be more difficult than a simple apology from Jonathan to Victoria. So now we're left with six teams. Six glorious teams of models and complainers and generally undeserving couples (except Kris and Jon, of course). What to do? Well, head off to the next clue!

Teams were first sent off to the town of Borudvar - or "Buddha F-ck" as they uniformly pronounced it (one or two modest teams were kind enough to simply say "Buddha Fock" — clearly big fans of Ben Stiller in-law comedy). As teams scampered to the location, we were privy once again to Victoria's delusions as she explained "I'm not the type of girl that needs someone to hold my hand and be overly affectionate," which is good because she's, you know, a battered wife. But seriously, according to Victoria, she and Jonathan just have a unique relationship: "We always seem to kiss and makeup." And then, you know, he gives her a love beating. You wouldn't understand. It's special.

Meanwhile, Hayden established herself as Cranky McBitchalot this episode as she adopted a sour frown from the getgo. Before anything had even happened, Aaron leaned in for a kiss, causing his mongrel teammate to scowl away as if he had extreme halitosis issues (which is not entirely out of the question following last week's Hungarian soup debacle). Somebody call Red Lobster. Looks like Hayden's throwing CrabFest 2005.

Elsewhere, Rebecca was babbling again about how she loves Adam but she's not in love with him. "I do love Adam, but that's not enough to make a relationship work," she explained. Yeah, it's hard to get a relationship to work, and that whole thing about him being gay is NOT helping. Good god, how many times are they going to set me up for this joke?

Teams eventually made their way to Buddha Fudge where they discovered the next clue would not be available until 10 AM the next morning. Time to make like a bum and sleep in the streets again! Some chiropractor is making a shitload off this show. The next day, teams scurried into a winery where they braved low ceilings to get to the next route marker. Amazingly, Freddy managed to safely navigate the corridors without hitting his melon once. Rumor has it he wore a hard hat just in case. Yes, a hard hat. Made of stupidity.

Around this time Phil popped up on our screens to alert us that everyone would now be making their way to Corsica, aka Still Europe. There they would have to find Napoleon's (Bonaparte, not Dynamite) childhood home and receive a clue from - OH MY GOD - Napoleon himself!!! Oh wait, no, that was just an impersonator. Or at least I hope so. If people in Corsica dress like that normally, I'd be a little alarmed.

Teams all hopped in cabs for the airport. Ever the international communicator, Hayden flapped her hands as she said "Take us to the airline." Apparently she was planning on riding a flock of doves and hummingbirds to Corsica. Kris and Jon, meanwhile, found themselves calling for tickets ahead of time, all from inside a random veterinarian clinic. Even more bizarre was that the vet allowed the two to use a phone inside the examination room —  during an examination. Another reason why vets make bad gynecologists.

Later at the airport, Adam complained that Rebecca had been treating him like a kid by not allowing him to purchase tickets. He then added "But I wanna do it!!!" and then wailed until Rebecca gave him his Five Alive juice box. Amazingly, Adam accused Rebecca of being dramatic (the most dramatic person EVER, I believe was the actual label), and to prove just how dramatic she was, he went off to a bench and sulked. When asked later why he was being so dramatic, Adam explained "I know you are, but what am I?"

Outside the airport, Jonathan was giving himself props for visiting a travel agent ahead of time. "I can outthink them," he said, immediately focusing on his new chief rivals, Lori and Bolo. Look, outthinking Lori and Bolo does not correlate to success. Just about the only thing that can't outthink them are Lori's implants, and even that I'm not so sure about. Still, Jonathan felt threatened by the wrestlers. "I'm looking at her [Lori] with her masculine voice," he said... in his effeminate voice.

Aside from the occasional drama flare ups from Adam, all seemed to go well for everyone at the airport — except for Kris and Jon. Even though they had made reservations under the watchful eye of a shaggy dog at the veterinarian clinic, the airline no longer could honor their booking. The show cut to commercial as we worried, "Is this curtains for our last tolerable team?" Silly us! Upon returning from the break, the airline employee announced that he could give them tickets, but they had to be... PAPER TICKETS! Oh the horror! The airline guy recoiled as he removed the vile specimens with protective tongs and handed them to the ugly Americans. Meanwhile, Jon and Kris grabbed their tickets as if they were diamond encrusted and boarded the plane.

In Corsica, teams nabbed their next clue from the fake Napoleon whose sly wink to the camera was unappreciated, I might add. I like my historical figures stern and unapproachable, not saucy and coy. Nevertheless, the ever elusive Fast Forward reared its neon green head again, tempting the likes of Rebecca, Adam, Jonathan, and Victoria. Unfortunately for our favorite abusive couple, Adam and Rebecca reached the challenge spot first where they were to don antiquated diving gear and retrieve the Fast Forward from a lobster trap. Dejected, Jonathan and Victoria noisily left the Fast Forward and joined the rest of the teams heading to the next route marker.

Perhaps a tad flustered by the pressures of the race, Hayden's brain froze as she slid into the driver's seat of a car and yelled "I don't know how to do this!" How does one suddenly forget how to drive? I mean, she managed just fine with the Trabant in Hungary. Maybe she incurred some brain damage along the way. I bet that fake Napoleon got a bit too randy with her. That or a brick fell on her head. Either way, I'd like to see the footage.

Meanwhile, at the Fast Forward, Adam and Rebecca were having two wildly varying experiences. Rebecca had no trouble with her metal suit, and to the tune of an "aaaahhhh"-like Enya melody, she booked it underwater to the lobster trap. Unfortunately Adam had major difficulties working the valve in his suit. Instead of plummeting into the depths of the ten foot abyss, the frantic personal trainer floated along on his back, occasionally rolling around like a log making its way down a river. Adam yelled out for help by whining various combinations of "The valve!", "I can't reach it!", "It's not working!", and eventually the entire Corsican dive team was in the water desperately trying to submerge him beneath the waves. When this approach was a bust, the crew hauled him out of the surf with about as much effort as it takes to rescue a manatee. It was okay though because Rebecca had snagged the Fast Forward. But wait, there was a catch. They weren't able to use it until Adam went underwater and touched the lobster cage too. As Rebecca was so witty to say, this was more of a "slow forward" than a "fast forward." Wow - you'd think she used to write for "Sex and the City." Anyway, Adam finally calmed down and pulled off the dive, allowing the team to zip ahead to the Pit Stop and land first place. Upon arrival, Phil shot them a look as if to say "WTF? Since when do you two come in first?" Simmer down Phil.

As for everyone else, Jonathan and Victoria managed to fall behind the pack, which of course led Jonathan to scream, "It's all your fault!" Huh? How? Why? But when Jonathan managed to pass some teams who were stopped at a gas station, he changed his tune to the more humble "Damn, I'm good." Who else can't wait for this guy's obituary?

Meanwhile, expert navigators Freddy and Kendra anticipated that they'd reach the next marker ahead of Lori and Bolo. "They're as dumb as a stick in the mud," said Freddy, whose biggest claims to fame are being unable to avoid a falling gate and drinking his own vomit. Question: how is a stick in the mud dumber than a stick not in the mud? Couldn't he just say "They're as dumb as a stick?" Just wondering.

With Aaron driving like a little old lady — at least in his teammate's view — Hayden suddenly remembered how to operate a moving vehicle and took over the driver's position again. Aaron requested that she control her road rage, but Hayden simply rebuffed the notion by balking "control my road rage?" She then went on to add "You don't tell me what to do, sissy boy. I have turds that have bigger balls than you!" It really didn't make any sense, but we all got the picture.

Anyway, teams finally received their next clue which was the Detour. People could either scale a wall, grab a medallion from a random French legionnaire, and then rappel back down; or they could jump on a boat and scour the sea for buoys with clues. Everyone chose the wall except Jonathan and Victoria, who brought their marital disfunction out to the high seas. "Let's go, you moron!" Jonathan yelled at Victoria after examining a faulty buoy. Just about all that was missing was a whip and some spurs. Meanwhile, overwhelmed by the futility of the task, Victoria channeled her own rage onto the ocean, yelling that she didn't see any buoys anywhere. She then screamed "Why are you doing this, ocean! Leave me alone! Just leave me alone!"

Amazingly, even though Jonathan and Victoria seemed hopeless out on the waves, the two still finished before a good number of the other teams had wrapped up their wall scaling duties. Freddy and Kendra led the way to the Roadblock, which involved stomping on grapes to make five bottles of wine. A teammate then had to down a glass of the freshly squeezed liquid in order to receive the next clue. Oddly enough, at the mention of wine tasting, all U.S. Film Critics stopped what they were doing and anointed The Amazing Race the Best Film of the Year.

Freddy and Kendra zipped through the roadblock without any problems. What I couldn't understand for the life of me though was how Jonathan and Victoria had managed to arrive second. Nevertheless, Jonathan put his nasty feet into the bucket and stomped away, imagining every grape was Victoria's face.

Around this time I thought to myself, "This roadblock is fun, but it doesn't seem very difficult. There's no skill required." Of course moments later I ate my words as dexterous Jonathan managed to clog up his barrel and bring his wine progress to a complete halt. Excellent... While Jonathan tries to conquer the complexities of a nozzle, all the other teams (minus Hayden and Aaron who were off on some Corsican joyride) arrived and got to work, much to Victoria's shrieking dismay. To be fair, Victoria wasn't the only one nagging her spouse. Lori managed to drive Bolo nuts to the point where he raised his arm in a Three Stooges gesture that seemed to say "Why I oughta..." Lori then tried to poke him in the eyes, but Bolo stuck his hand between her fingers (and then a bowling ball fell on her head).

Eventually teams overtook Jonathan and left for the Pitstop, leaving Victoria with nothing to do but become a shrill mess. "There's another rock inside the funnel!" she yelled, although to us it sounded like "Ihjaslkd asdofiuasdflkj!!!" I swear, she was speaking in tongues. Listen for yourself. In a happier mood though was Kris who described to Jon how she used her knowledge of "I Love Lucy" to power through the challenge. She then extorted her mouth into what was supposed to be a Lucille Ball expression, but Jon later informed us that it was merely just her blowjob face.

Meanwhile, lost in the misty forests of Corsica, Aaron and Hayden continued to bicker the day away. They finally reached the Roadblock, but were so far behind that even Jonathan and Victoria were gone. Up at the Pitstop, Freddy and Kendra - still wearing their medallions (they won first place in the Massive Tools competition) - checked in second, followed by the wrestlers - who almost toppled off the cliff as Lori, in her festive Riviera bikini outfit, careened into Bolo.

Hayden and Aaron zipped through the roadblock and then miraculously became geniuses with directions to the Pitstop. Jonathan and Victoria meanwhile hit traffic and fretted about their position. Oh stop producers. We know that the pornstars are way ahead of Hayden and Aaron. Stop patronizing us with this editing. Oh, but wait! As Jonathan and Victoria ambled towards the Pitstop, suddenly the Dating/Actors roared out of nowhere to rally for fifth place. Whaa? Damn you Amazing Race and your intensely exciting foot races!

Alas, in the end, Hayden and Aaron came in last, but wouldn't you know it? Non-elimination round! In retrospect, I'm glad Jonathan and Victoria weren't last because I don't know how I would have dealt with such a tease of elimination.

The Competition is "Stiff"

[Bringing you Bachelorette 3 coverage this season will be JadedBitch]

The season premiere of The Bachelorette aired last night, bringing back Jennifer Schefft, who won the heart of previous Bachelor Andrew Firestone, and then later broke up with him. Because it worked so well the first time round, Jen chose to come back and give it another shot at finding love!

This show is so upper middle class and WASPy, I had to take a Gravol to calm my nausea. The two hour premiere featured gratuitous shots of New York City and sets designed by Pottery Barn or some other store that you just KNOW had to have the word "Urban" in its title.

Bad candles and flower arrangements aside, the first hour was dedicated to a Behind The Scenes look at The Bachelorette, which takes place in New York City this time. It showcased her previous involvement with the show, namely the rise and fall of her relationship with Andrew Firestone. They showed her packing her suitcase in Chicago alongside best buds Abby and Michelle. These tender moments amongst gal pals looked so rehearsed and contrived, I half expected Chandler Bing to enter and say, "Could you girls BE more cute?"

While I fetched more Gravol, Jen kept citing previous Bachelorettes Meredith and Trista as her role models because of their successful relationships found on the show. Didn't Trista and Meredith also have to go back for a second round in order to get it right? Maybe Jen's on to something. That, or she's just trying really hard to convince herself it will work, it will work!

This season, Jen is the first Bachelorette that actually had a say in which men were to be chosen as the final 25. Judging from her picks, it seems Jen has a liking for the darker haired male, as there were barely any blondes in the crowd. (Not to mention minorities or chubby people.)

During the meeting session, Jen's friends Abby and Michelle were to act as undercover waitresses, in order to help gather information on the men. This then cut to gratuitous shots of Abby and Michelle changing and flashing their bras at the camera.

Really, The Bachelorette is nothing more than a glamorized version of Blind Date. With that in mind, bring on the men! All that's missing are those annoying captions and animated psychologists.

The men arrived in limos, natch. There were too many to run through, but here are some highlights:

Ryan - the token black guy.

Josh, the 28 year old virgin! Jason, the 29 year old virgin!!! The difference between the two? Jason had the best piece of advice of the evening, "A body's not a carnival ride." No, it's not. But then again, he wouldn't know since he's never even STOOD IN LINE.

Then there was Stu. *insert stalker music here* He confessed to watching all of the Andrew Firestone season of The Bachelor and taping them and rewatching them religiously while masturbating in the dark and chanting out, "Jen and Stu Forever!" Dunh dunh dunh!

Fabrice the French guy greeted Jen with a smooth, "Bonjour..." to which she replied, "Bon-JERR." Er, yeah.

The final one of note was a guy named A.W. which stands for what, per say? Another Wanker? Awesome Whistler? Arm Wrestler? Who knows, who cares.

Jen walked into the orgy room only to announce to the camera how weird it was to have 25 eyes on her at one time. Seeing as there were 25 men in the room, they must have been all cyclopses or she fudged up and actually meant 50 eyes. One of the men noted that the competition was very "stiff." I then had to apologize for snickering so loudly.

During the mingling session, Eric, a really tall magazine editor from New Yawk, started hitting on one of the waitresses. This isn't good especially when said waitress is the Bachelorette's best friend. DOH!

Chris, a drunk Southerner or a Southern drunk, told Jen, "I love your herr!" Apparently, he is a herrstylist. Y'all know what I'm sayin'?

Here's a note to ABC: for the next Bachelorette, please please please, for the love of television, bring back TRISH to be the Bachelorette. Trish is the trampy, in your face, proudly slutty cougar who went after (and then STALKED) Jesse Palmer in the previous Bachelor. Now SHE would be excellent! I can only fantasize about the types of questions she'd be asking all the men. "How would you talk dirty to me? What's your favourite sexual position? Have you ever dominated anyone? Would you want to be dominated? Group orgy everybody!"

When Jen and Stalker Stu had some alone time, he went on and on about how he watched her on the Bachelor and proceeded to talk about her in the third person form - to her face! "I'm not here to win Jen, but if she feels the same way about me as I do about her... And if she doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about her, then I'll make sure she'll PAY! And all her relatives too, dammit!"

Jen was then whisked down the stairs by the hotness that is Jerry, who resembles Josh Duhamel from Las Vegas. Tad Hamilton! It's Tad Hamilton!

Somewhere in the mix is a ski instructor from Aspen named Ben. I just want Jen to go on a group date with Ben and hottie Jerry, and they could go have ice cream at, oh I don't know, Ben & Jerry's? *giggling insanely*

Michael the tall English teacher gave Jen a teddy bear and proclaimed that his dad was her dad's big brother! WTF? Doesn't that mean you two are cousins? Get outta here! He also claimed the room was full of haters and naters. Not to mention the izzo in the hizzo and the ixnay on the oseray.

We finally join up with best friends Abby and Michelle for an impromptu gossip section, which had the spontaneity of a librarian shelving books. The two discussed the men and which ones they wanted for themselves, who was packing the biggest unit, and of course, the creepiness that is Stu. They fretted that Stu might be onto them. Of course he's onto them! He's a stalker! He probably recognized them from Jen's high school year book that he stole and studied for months on end!

It was then time to start the Rose Ceremony. Personally I prefer the Pearl Necklace ceremony or the Candlewick Lighting ceremony done on the Joe Schmo Show, but that's just me.

The first rose, aptly named the First Impression rose, was doled out by Abby and Michelle, who by this time were exposed to everyone as being Jen's friends. They decided to give the first rose to some random guy named Keith. WHO? Jen did not even talk to him all night, but that didn't stop her two friends from singling him out as a Must See. (They obviously were not interested in him and decidedly picked his name out of a hat.) Meanwhile, Stu slowly started plotting the demise of Abby and Michelle. "How dare they not give me the first rose? HOW DARE THEY! I know where you live, bitches!"

It was then time for Jen to hand out the roses. The first name she called out was Ryan. "Ryan from California, will you accept this rose?" she clarified, meaning, "The White Ryan, not the Black one." Also making the list was A.W., whom she said, "A.W., W.Y.A.T.R.?" Others that received a bud were Matt from New York, Wendell, Black Ryan (whew! gotta wait till at LEAST the third episode to cut the minority!), and Mark. So far, Jen had picked a bunch of nobodies that she barely spoke to all night. Are we sure she knew what she was doing? Did she think the people getting a rose had to leave?? She HAS played this game before, right?

Then out of nowhere, the music changed dramatically, and a nobody named David collapsed to the ground!! WTF! I sat up from my ever-approaching slumber. Apparently he was tres nervous! He was cute, but prone to fainting.

But enough drama, it's time for more roses!! Receiving one was Ben, the ski instructor who looks like the oldest 26 year old I've ever seen. Hotness Jerry also got one, so that ice cream date just may be an episode away. The two virgins Jason and Josh each made the list, as did Fabrice the Frenchy, Michael the Incestual Teacher/Rapper, another nobody named Jean-Paul, and finally, Stalker Stu!

Those that were ousted include David the Fainter (oh but he would've been so fun!), Chris the Drunk Herrstylist, and Eric the player, who left for the nearest bar to pick up more chicks.

We are now all settled in for a good season of The Bachelorette. Some promising scenes to look forward to include a hot and sweaty shirtless basketball match between the men, a surprise announcement from Fabrice (whom everyone hates, it appears and who is only looking for sex), a Stalker Stu episode (yay, we love stalkers!), a tribute to Lost In Yonkers involving taxi cab chases and the NYPD, and finally a Mariah Carey-like breakdown from Jen herself. Can't wait!! Bring on the Gravol!

When Does the Mercy Rule Come Into Effect?

I never thought that writing for Battle of the Sexes 2 would become such a difficult task. How hard is it to sit through a 30 minute show, then make fun of the people in that show? Considering all of the people in the show are now caricatures of themselves, it really shouldn't be that hard. Well, with the current pace of the latest Real World/Road Rules challenge, it is becoming almost painful to sit through those 30 minutes. Still, there is the possibility that I could get some sort of enjoyment out of the show if there was only some suspense in the outcome. Unfortunately for me, the girls have played so pathetically, they have taken almost all of the suspense out of the game. What I am left with is to find some sort of pleasure in watching our All-Star personalities on the screen. Thankfully my balcony is only three stories up, or I would have put myself out of this misery a long time ago.

So I lament about the sorry state of the Challenge, but there are a few reasons to watch it. If you are feeling kind of dumb and your boss dumped on you, you will come to realize that you aren't that dumb compared to some people out there. If you just lost job, you will gain confidence knowing that there are at least some people out there less qualified than you at, well, anything. And if you're taking some heat for being the office floozy, you'll soon realize that you could sleep with every one of your coworkers and still come away with more dignity than the cast of this show.

The producers finally took the gloves off, sort of, when it comes to the true intentions of the contestants on the show. They have spent weeks trying to convince us that the challenge is somehow fair, and that they go into each season figuring out how to inspire the greatest competition among the players. In fact, their goal is really to bring out the bitchy, selfish, greedy, and backstabbing nature of everyone involved. Now, if the girls were somehow competitive, or the guys were a little more petty in their elimination decisions, it would make for some intrigue as we got to the end. But at their current pace, the girls involved are playing for nothing more than a chance to be humiliated by the guys during the final challenge.

This week's competition was called "Cargo". Each team had to pull a set of chains to raise a car 10 feet off the ground. Thanks to the wonders of physics and mechanics, and an ingenious pulley system, this task wasn't as hard as it sounds. The difficult part was that each team was required to pack a lot of luggage into each car, requiring at least thirty seconds worth of strategy. For their win, the team would win a bunch of exercise equipment. It was really funny to watch Arissa jump around with excitement at the idea of winning the prize. If you closed your eyes and imagined really hard, you could actually come up with a mental image of Arissa actually eating enough to have the energy to exercise later. With such high stakes, the teams were going to have to pick their leaders very judiciously.

On the guys side, they seemed to pick Dan and Eric very quickly. Brad immediately called bullshit on this. Eric is pretty much the in 5th place on their team, so if he is not in the inner circle, he is almost certainly gone. When Brad says that he doesn't think they have thought this through, the guys start talking about their packing credentials. Mark defends his friend Eric by saying "I know from first hand experience that he's a good packer." Hey Mark, what you do in your free time is your business, and you can even do it in Texas now. Apparently, Dan worked for FedEx "We spent the whole day just packing trucks.". Oddly, it seems that Brad worked at UPS, and he also knew how to pack. Wow, all of these guys know how to pack. In the interest of good taste, I won't take that joke any farther. In the ummm, end, Eric said that he was taking the risk being a leader, so why is Brad complaining. In a perfect world where the girls are competitive, this might be true. In reality, this means that Eric has a 99% chance of staying another week.

The girls have also come to the realization that they are going to lose every challenge and that it is dangerous to be a leader. Tina steps up, but when the search for a second leader comes up, nobody wants to volunteer. Coral volunteers Ruthie, saying she hasn't done well and that it's a chance to prove that she should stay. Although Ruthie hasn't been stellar, she is easily one of the five best women overall in terms of performance, and the ones that were much better than her have already left. Everybody knows that Arissa should be the one to step up and take some heat, but Coral knows that "it's no longer about winning the mission, it's about keeping your ass alive". Arissa is Coral's only ally, and Coral is Arissa's only ally. If neither one of them is a leader, they get to choose who is eliminated. Ruthie, who knows what is going on, but doesn't want to be a bitch, decides she will be a leader.

Right away, there is conflict with how the girls are packing. Ruthie prefers a horizontally stacked approach, while Tina prefers a vertically stacked approach. As it turns out, neither way was going to be that much more time consuming or space-saving (at least from the edited view we had), but the girls did finish their packing a few seconds after the guys were finished. Although the pulleys and whatnot make raising the car easier, it still takes a lot of work. The girls basically had to hope the guys would take longer packing, and they could use that time to get a heard start raising the car. It didn't work out that way and the guys smoked them - badly.

For some reason, the girls got it in there head that if they had gone along with Tina's idea for packing instead of Ruthie's, they might have had a chance. Even Jonny Mosely said "The guys seemed a little faster at packing their car." Again, it may be the editing, but the girls were WAY behind the guys at pulling the car. They would have needed a huge advantage at packing to have had a shot at beating them. And with nobody who worked at FedEx, UPS, DSL, or the Magic Eric Neis Jump Rope warehouse, how could they have had a chance?

Deliberations went as expected. The guys stuck to their plan of the weakest link, and since Eric was in the inner circle, it meant either Theo or Brad. Dan and Eric thought it over, saw that the only person who hadn't been in a final challenge was Brad, and so voted him out. I was sad to see him go, because his no-nonsense approach really was refreshing among the rest of the idiots we had to deal with. In the end, he just wasn't enough of a friend of Eric or Mark. For Mark and Eric, they had a great strategy. They said they both wanted to make it to the end. By getting the win this week for Eric, Theo and Mark can go next week, so no matter who wins, there will always be one of them left over to campaign for the other.

Although Sophia tried to be Ruthie's lawyer and defend her side, Coral and Arissa were not having any of it. All they need is one more week sitting on the sidelines, and they are going to be in the final. Coral said she wasn't going to take any chances because it was a $60,000 matter. Once again, if the girls had done anything to convince me they had a chance at anything, I could buy this "I just need to make it to the end strategy". In the face of certain defeat, Coral simply looks selfish and greedy. Arissa is not going to be a help to anybody who is left in the final three, she has proven she just isn't up to any sort of physical challenge.

At elimination hill, the results were announced. Brad knew what was coming a long time, felt pissed, but took it quite well. He knew what was going on, and he knew he couldn't stop it. Theo complained about what was going on, and it is refreshing to hear that he cares about how other people are treated. It would be even more convincing if he had said something after a couple of the more shady decisions earlier in the game, or anything the girls did any week. Now, he just comes across that is worried that all of a sudden the playing field doesn't favor him.

Coral came out to do the elimination, but Sophia stopped her. In between sobs, she told Ruthie how much she loved her and Ruthie said she was happy she didn't sell her soul just for some money (she only sells her soul for fleeting amounts of fame). She is going to show just how much she won't sell her soul by appearing on the next challenge and letting the same thing happen again.

Playing It Straight - UPDATED

For the five people watching the The Bachelorette 3 last night, have we got a juicy nugget for you. I received an email from a very good friend of mine who had this to say:

"i have no idea whether you watch the bachelorette, but one of the new suitors (fabrice) is gay, and an actor - i went on a few dates with him a while ago. plus now he has a boyfriend. so is that supposed to be the twist this season or something? or are these just standard reality-show lies? because he's certifiably light in the loafers, this guy. we went on several dates and he was great but we just didn't have chemistry. silly reality shows."

Let the speculation begin!

Updates after the jump:

Holy coincidence, Batman! Fabrice has a Friendster profile too!

Check it out here.

Update: All the photos are down and the profile is only open to Fabrice's immediate friends. Sigh. I *guess* he's entitled to "privacy", whatever that is.

But we still have these photos:

Can't spell Fabrice without Fab!

Update: FabriceGate continues! Thanks to TVgasm reader renpeh420, we now have this photo, courtesy of ChicagoPride.com:

Update - AGAIN: Could he HAVE more incriminating evidence on the web? Here's a link to a screencap of Fabrice's now defunct profile on a site called "Big Muscle." It's not so much that we're outing him. It more like we're publicizing him.

Calm Like a Bomb

Isn't it great when one of your favorite TV shows defies all expectations and turns out better than you could have hoped? So far, that is the feeling that I am getting from this season of 24. About the only thing lackluster so far is the performance of the President, but considering the actor's most memorable role may have been as sidekick to a Bobcat Goldwaith-voiced cat puppet, I'm not going to complain. As long as the show sticks to the formula of palpable tension it has seemingly re-discovered for the rest of the season, I'll let Bryan Grazer and FOX off the hook for depriving us of the show the other seven months of the year.

Jack pretty has one goal in mind - save Audrey Heller. Yes, he loves her, but saving her is also going to make it easier to receive all of the pardons he is going to need after he spends a day breaking governmental protocol in order to get to her. What's better? Make-up, conjugal visit, or post-captivity sex? Whatever it is, Jack is sure to have plenty.

It was fairly easy to predict that Ronny would die. Not only has he never been seen anywhere, but he also laid a fist on Jack Bauer. Don't pull on Superman's cape, don't spit into the wind, and don't mess around with Jack. After the terrorist, who CTU knows only as "The Hostile", but we know as Kalil, kills Ronny and the MTA guard, he speeds off in his Lexus. See, he needs to find a safe place to interrogate and/or kill the computer programmer in order to find out how much he knows. While it might be Andrew's best interest to have Jack save him as fast as possible, Jack decides that he doesn't want to give up on trailing the kidnapper just yet. If Kalil is connected to the kidnapping, he just may lead Jack to the place where Secretary Heller and his daughter are being held

Unfortunately for Jack, his new boss doesn't really agree with him. She wants him to bring the suspect back as quickly as possible. And for this one, I sort of have to agree. Just a little more than an hour ago, Jack was demonstrating just how skilled he was at intimidating people into talking. Why did he all of a sudden decide that this terrorist wouldn't crack under the constant questioning and psychological torture? I am not sure, but he must of figured that Driscoll wasn't going to let him anywhere near a subject after his little bullet wound to the femur fiasco the last time around. Jack pulled the old "you're breaking up" over the cell phone, and proceeded to tail the evil Lexus, but not too quickly. Driscoll obviously didn't buy Jack's excuse, and informed everybody at CTU that Jack was rogue, and they would use all of their resources to find him. All of their resources except for Chloe O'Brian that is. Jack has been secretly contacting Chloe and pressing her to help him from the inside. Chloe wants to help her friend, and doesn't trust Driscoll, so she helps him by tapping into the feeds of highway cameras.

The evil Lexus, for its part, is not stupid. Kalil doesn't believe that anybody is following him, but pulls a triple lane change onto an off-ramp just in case. This surprises Jack, and he is forced to exit and the next on-ramp, which puts him head on with other traffick, including a school bus. But with no satellite surveillance, he had no other choice, and he still has a huge problem. Apparently the highway the Lexus is heading for is two lanes and lightly traveled. That means that Jack won't be able to follow him as closely as he would like, and might even lose him before he gets to Heller.

Back at CTU, things are still pretty crazy. Driscoll has been trying to explain to the president how they lost an agent in the field, but have nothing to show for it. She's also trying to explain why Jack is now a field agent. She begins discussing a contingency plan with the president. The major media outlets are cooperating by not showing the trial, but they are worried they can't stop the internet feed because shutting down the internet would disable their command control. I am not a military guy, but I figure that most of our command control depends on satellites and we could make due if the internet went down. But forgetting all of that, they contemplate just how careful they should be Heller. When it comes down to it, national security is more important than the Secretary of Defense, so he might be collateral in the fight to take out the terrorists.

Apparently, CTU is a very efficient outfit, but when they need help on something, they hire some outside consultants. With the country on an elevated alert status, that means that the consultants get called in. One of the consultants is Marianne Taylor, played by the very scrumptious Aisha Tyler. OK, Marianne would have been one of the consultants except for Curtis, the CTU black guy made the list of consultants to umm, consult, and left Marianne off that list. We find this out because Marianne calls Curtis and let's him know she has a problem with it. It turns out that Curtis and Marianne used to sleep together, but that Marianne seemed only interested in sleeping her way to the top. Curtis was fine with that until Marianne stopped returning his calls. Later, we find out that Marianne was able to squeeze some classified information out of Curtis in between blow jobs. Now I see why she is a consultant - she is very efficient. In order to get into CTU, Marianne goes directly to Driscoll, who puts her to work right away at a desk.

Curtis has is own problems. He is in charge of trying to get information out of Richard Heller, the scruffy son of the Secretary of Defense. They think he may have unwittingly gave somebody some information on his dad's visit, since the trip to his son's house wasn't on Heller's original agenda. Problem is, Curtis has all of these ethics and refuses to use drugs on Heller because he has not been charged with a crime. Instead, he tries sensory deprivation. I wish that they actually tried torturing him, because Richard is really annoying, and a huge wimp. He is complaining about being detained, but terrorists have his father and sister. Still, he acts like he got the raw end of the deal.

Have I said how much I love Chloe? She has been trying to do all of her work, but still manages to help out Jack. Chloe is perfect for this kind of work because, let's face it, she isn't your average coworker. She is always been kind of strange, so if she becomes a little stranger due to the high stress of her friend about to be killed, nobody will notice. You see, Kalil pulled off of an overpass to interrogate his subject along with a couple of other thugs. Jack has them in his sights with a sniper rifer, but knows that evil Lexus man is going to lead him back to Heller, so he lets them rough him up a little bit. Chloe pleads for him to help her friend, but when Kalil leaves, Jack follows him. On his way, he gets a smattering of conscience, probably doesn't want another death on his hands, and takes out the two thugs by shooting them in the chest, with plenty of time to pursue the subject, although he still needs his satellite imaging. Luckily for Jack, Kalil forgot to fill up his Lexus that morning and needs to stop for gas.

Jack again has a bit of luck. Instead of paying at the pump, Kalil decides to pay for his gas inside the station. This should give Jack plenty of time to do some stealthy shit like slash Kalil's tires to delay him, right? Maybe sneak into the back seat or even the trunk of the Lexus? Oh, he is going into the back of his CTU truck, they must have a little device Jack can plant on the car that will be able to track him remotely. No, all of the above made too much sense. Jack needs to buy time, so he reaches into the back of his truck for a glock and a ski mask. He is going to fake rob the convenience store in order to buy some time.

As the masked man enters the store, Kalil is kind of surprised. Just imagine all the shit he's going to get back at the terrorist cell for letting himself get abducted. And to top it off, he can't just shoot Jack, because it would attract too much attention. Although I believed that Jack could have done something a little less outrageous to buy time, you have to admit, it was good for some things. For instance, he asked for the cell phones and wallets of all the customers, very convenient when you are trying to apprehend a criminal.

Chloe is still having her troubles at CTU. Driscoll knows that she is probably helping Jack, so she tells Sarah (who, BTW is not a bad dish herself) to firewall Chloe's station and watch to see what she is doing. CTU absolutely LOVES anything having to do with firewalls, pipelines, sockets, and ports, and this year is no exception. Chloe knows that she is being watched, and recruits Edgars help. Now, it is clear that Edgar has a thing for Chloe, so when she pulls him aside and asks for his help with the satellites for Jack, he agrees, as long as Chloe says she forced him to do it. Clearly Edgar has been dreaming of Mistress Chloe forcing him to do many bad things. Now, if that wasn't enough intrigue, it turns out Marianne had overheard the entire thing. God, wasn't she supposed to be doing work? Wouldn't my tax dollars be better spent on a consultant that actually consults? She is about as active as Carrie from a couple of seasons ago, who apparently came on to help, but was there simply to piss off Michelle Dessler.

While the tag team of Chloe and Edgar work on satellites, Kalil is still holed up with Jack in the convenience store. He has reason to be worried about being late getting back to his terrorist friends. Secretary Heller has not been standing idly by waiting to die. In fact, he has been far from a model captive. When asked to sign off on a list of war crimes, he refuses until they threaten Audrey. He then fakes a heart attack in order to club a guard. He manages to shoot a couple more guards before Omar, their leader, and some reinforcements come around to put an end to his commando lifestyle. He says that if Heller tries anything again, he is simply going to kill his daughter.

Speaking of concerned parents, remember how I said a few paragraphs back that Jack had to dodge a school bus? Well, apparently it must have been summer school, or some field trip, because Behrooz hasn't bothered going to school, and neither has his girlfriend, who has become a huge problem for his parents. Earlier, he pleaded with his mother to talk his dad out of calling Debbie over to his house. His mom said she would, but she is too focused to let anything spoil her plans. She calls Debbie over herself. Behrooz knows that there is going to be trouble. Too bad for him his mom is evil incarnate. I always though Sherry Palmer was a great villianess, but Dina Araz is quickly giving her a run for her money. She is so calculating, and you know that as soon as Debbie walked in that door, she wasn't going to be leaving alive.

Indeed, you knew it was just a distraction when Dina called her into the living room and had Behrooz show her some of his baby pictures. She then went off to prepare some some tea. Debbie was really enjoying her time there. She would finally be able to spend some time with Behrooz without sneaking around behind his parents. Well, that's what she thought. You see Dina and Navi believed that since Behrooz caused the problem with Debbie, he should be the one to take care of it. While Debbie is amazed at how small Behrooz was as a baby ("Is that really you?!"), Dina pulled him to the side and gave him a gun. She said that he must shoot her, and calmly walks up the stairs, probably to find some house cleaner to get the brain matter out of her couch.

Behrooz, on the other hand, doesn't buy into the plan. He tells Debbie she is in danger and she must leave. Luckily, Dina knew that her son wouldn't be able to kill his friend, and decided to poison the tea that she gave her. Debbie ends up dying in the middle of the house, while Dina looks down from the stairs, happy that she got rid of the girl without making a mess. Now earlier, Behrooz did give a good reason not to kill Debbie. No, it wasn't that it would make a mess, or because she didn't see anything. He knew that Debbie's parents would look for her, and that would cause attention. This didn't worry Dina, because she said that after the day was over, their missing daughter would be the least of their worries. Dina underestimated the nosiness of American parents, and when Debbie's mom shows up at the door at the end of the show, you know that there is likley going to be another cold Shohreh Aghdashloo-inspired death on the horizon.

Chloe has finally managed to get the satellites in position, and so Jack is ready to make his escape. He acquired a few more hostages and some unwanted attention along the way. A County Sheriff came by for some coffee and/or donuts, and Jack had to lock him up in the freezer with the rest of the customers in the store. Eventually, the sheriff's department figured out what was going on, and sent some backup to get Jack out of there. Using Kalil as a hostage, Jack manages to escape from the gas station, and dumps Kalil on the side of the highway, knowing that CTU can easily track him while he is on foot.

It was really a perfect plan, except that Driscoll started to get wise to what Chloe was doing. (That reminds me, did we really need to introduce Mya, Driscoll's schizophrenic daughter into the story line? I think we have enough things that can get messed up without having to add any mental insanity.) She arrests Chloe, and sends a team to bring in the suspect. But first, she watches Kalil for a little while longer on the satellite. He steals a truck, and makes a call from the driver's cell phone back to the home base. He is late, but he will be there within the hour. It dawns on Driscoll that Jack was right, and so she decides to call off the extraction team and track Kalil instead.

You would think this is all good for Jack, but he is still rogue, and the LA County Sheriff wants him for armed robbery (even though there was like $200 in the store safe). Jack gets caught in a road block, and there is nothing else for him to do but surrender. Now, I don't believe for a minute that Jack is in any danger. From the previews, he obviously needs to be free to do some more stealthy shit in the next episode. I am sure that he is going to play the angle of "your best field agent is dead, you need me right now", and I am sure Chloe will be allowed to work in the interest of national security, with prosecution to happen later. Still, I wouldn't worry about Chloe. Afterall, Chloe does know that Driscoll made a huge mistake by ignoring the information about the internet routers earlier in the day. Plus, Driscoll intervened with the LAPD on her daughter's behalf, meaning she isn't so squeaky clean herself.

So, it's been a great couple of days with lots of suspense. Even though we are only going to get one hour a week of 24 from now on, it looks like there should be plenty of excitement to go around for the rest of the season, and we know that this whole Heller thing is simply an introduction to the season. The real bad shit is yet to come.

Desperate Terrorist Housewives

Heading into tonight's two hour season premiere of 24, loyal viewers had many questions: was last year's uneven season an indicator of things to come? Would the cast overhaul debilitate the show? Would Sherri Palmer rise from the dead to orchestrate another devious plot? Okay, maybe that last question wasn't high on everyone's list of priorities (although I certainly would not discourage such a twist).

The truth is that 24's season opener was nothing short of excellent. Not only was it filled with menace, suspense, action, disturbing torture, and star crossed lovers, but the show had a tight focus and a central conflict. Oh, and lots and lots of violence — 24 style. This season's gonna rock.

After the first twenty four minutes of the show left Jack with the ole CTU itch, our favorite rogue agent decided to remind himself what's important in his life these days: Audrey. Yes, Jack took a breather from the hectic world of CTU visiting to call Audrey and profess his growing love for her. It was a sweet gesture, but by now Jack should know that any sign of Bauer love will lead to an abduction, murder, or cougar stalking. Nevertheless, Jack and Audrey stuttered, whispered and paused their way through the moment, which I personally expected to end with an "Every Kiss Begins with Kay" jingle. Alas, no cheesy jeweler stepped up, and instead we shifted our focus to Secretary of Defense Heller - aka the irascible and occasionally shiny William Devane.

Turns out Heller was busy arguing with his protester son Richard, who at first glance, appeared to be picketing against the use of shampoo. The two snapped back and forth at each other for a little bit, with Heller ultimately accusing his son of engaging in "sixth grade Michael Moore logic." So does Michael Moore make anti-Presidential documentaries in the world of 24 also?

Elsewhere in Los Angeles, Andrew (Lukas Haas) took a leisurely stroll back to his internet café with a smug look on his face that seemed to say "That was some good informing." Unfortunately, nary a game of Snood or Everquest were in action as Andrew quickly discovered all his co-workers had been killed. Well, almost all his co-workers. There was still that plucky Asian girl. Oh wait. Hold on. Yep, she's dead now.

With nothing left to do except be panicked, Andrew scurried out of the café and hopped on a bike - the ultimate foil to terrorist henchmen. Meanwhile, at CTU, a few agents hauled in that terrorist from the drycleaners. Oh, and wouldn't you know it? Jack knew him! Jack lobbied to have Driscoll reinstate him on a provisional basis, but unfortunately, the best he could do was land a small desk in the corner. "Chloe opened up a socket for you," Driscoll said in her sexy bureaucrat voice. Question: when is Chloe NOT opening up sockets? Every episode she seems to open two or three.

Nevertheless, Jack seemed quite unhappy with his socket offering, and as soon as Driscoll had ambled into another room, he jumped on Chloe's computer and started his usual shenanigans. You know - type type type, Chloe what's your password, type type type, Chloe please!, type type type, there's a terrorist threat at 8 am?, type type type, Chloe you have to trust me!, type type type, 8 am - that's in ten minutes! COMMERCIAL. For the record, it was only 42 minutes into the episode when CTU reached 8:50. Worst real time EVER!

When we came back from the commercial break, Jack rang up Audrey to tell her that some terrorist act was gonna go down at 8 am. "It's almost 8 now," she responded incredulously, as if Jack had violated some five minute courtesy system. Audrey finally got off her ass and fetched her dad, but with time ticking away, Jack needed some answers. With only four minutes until 8 AM, Jack rose to his feet as music swelled on the soundtrack. Hmmm... That's not just any music. That there is Barge In music. Methinks that terrorist interrogation might take a turn...

Cut to said interrogation as Ronnie (the new Jack) tried to break the terrorist. "Why did you let it happen?" he asked as if he wanted a refund for a movie ticket. Honestly, if all the government's secret agents were as lame as this dude, we'd never be able to get the bad guys. Luckily, it's patently clear he'll be dead soon enough.

Fortunately for CTU, badass Jack's Hulk-like rage had gotten the best of him and with little effort, he burst into the interrogation room and demanded answers. Well, first he flipped a table - the international symbol of "I will treat you the way I treat this Ikea furniture. With reckless abandon! Rah!!!" But when table flipping proved to be just a tad insufficient in the intimidation department, Jack upped the stakes a little bit by shooting the guy in the leg and then burying his gun tip in the wound. Ouch.

Well, surprise surprise. The terrorist sang like bird. A bird that's been shot in the leg. Turns out the target was Secretary of Defense Heller. Uh oh spaghetti-o. Props to J-Unit for accurately predicting the twist. Well, with little time to do anything, Jack called Audrey who... was not answering her phone. Dammit! Get the phone, bitch!!! After about five torturous rings later, Jack told her to get out, GET OUT. Audrey honed a little Kate Warner by doing a patented "Huh? I don't understand" bit. No sooner had she relayed the information to her dad than all hell broke loose. Rockets descended on the limo, Middle Eastern gunmen burst out of vans, Secret Service agents forgot their training, and Jack yelled into his cell phone "Audrey! Audrey!" Jack - normally when you hear explosions and gunfire, it's safe to assume the conversation is over.

Sure enough, the terrorist nabbed Heller and Audrey (although they inconspicuously left annoying Richard to cower by the refrigerator). As the hour came to a close, I started to wonder - "How the hell am I going to get through this season. I'm sweating buckets."

Things eventually calmed down a bit in the second hour. President Keeler, still flying around somewhere over a cloudy CGI skyline, put in a token appearance to up the alert level to "elevated." Granted, if you asked Andrew, the alert level would be closer to "HOLY MOTHERF*@#KING SHIT!!!" Still trembling from the Internet Café massacre that he sort of, you know, precipitated, Andrew called his mom to say "Get out of the house!" As 24 day players are wont to do, Mom simply asked questions like "What sort of trouble are you in, Andrew?" Dammit woman! Listen to your son! Well, Mom finally got the picture and decided to hurry on out... as soon as she put the laundry away. Hey, the last thing you want to do after escaping terrorists is to come home to clean laundry out in the open.

Back at CTU, Driscoll was kind of seriously mad at Jack for, you know, torturing a witness. Not very, how do you say, legal? She immediately had Jack detained, a JV setback if I've ever seen one. Later, Chloe snuck into Jack's dark holding room to deliver information about Andrew, the code he found, and how Driscoll had diverted that investigation to the FBI. The two got on the phone with Andrew and yada yada yada Jack was going to pick him up from Union Station in thirty minutes. But wait, would Andrew be safe? Uh, not likely considering we cut to a terrorist in Andrew's house somehow listening in on this entire conversation by way of some high tech ham radio device. Oh - and there's Andrew's mom on the floor with a slit neck. Her last words: "Must... fold... linens..."

Anyway, as the terrorist listened in, Andrew gave his exact location and physical description to Jack. Great. Question: can computer programmers on this show ever NOT be in danger?

Later, the good people of CTU sat down to have a brainstorming session. We knew this would lead to nothing though as there was a noticeable lack of an easel and a frilly woman with a big marker. Sure enough, a minute into the session, Jack walked in and asked to have a moment with Driscoll. So much for the detainment. In a nifty bit of bargaining, broken record Jack demanded to be reinstated, otherwise he wouldn't reveal the location of Andrew. Driscoll finally gave in, saying that he would be under Ronnie's watch. At least until Ronnie dies. Heh. With Jack back on the force, Chloe was sure to let him feel more than welcomed: "Bad luck about Audrey being there when her dad got kidnapped." THANKS.

Meanwhile, William Devane dazzled us with his capacity to reflect light off his sweaty face. I guess this was the unexpected perk of having his character abducted at rocket-launcher-point. Heller and Audrey arrived at a mysterious compound where captors forced them on their knees, and after a tense moment when Audrey almost bit it (somewhere Kim's rolling her eyes and saying "They never kill you the first time"), the two were shoved into a holding cell. There, Heller tried his spin on "Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative" by insisting that his daughter say "We will be rescued." Yeah. It about 24 hours... Unfortunately, this upbeat outlook was somewhat tempered when the terrorists demanded that Audrey and Heller take off their clothes. William Devane naked? That could be a more lethal image than that video in "The Ring."

Elsewhere, that menacing terrorist family was preparing to entrust the most important part of the plan to its teenage son, Behrooz. One problem though. It appears as though Kim has been reincarnated in the form of Debbie, Behrooz's meddlesome chicky on the side. Much like Jack's departed daughter, we get a sense that wherever Debbie goes, she leaves a trail of blundering destruction. Sure enough, just as Behrooz was about to head off with the mysterious suitcase, little Debbie called up to do the patented "Why haven't you called me?" act. Yeah, not the best timing. Behrooz blew her off, saying "Hey, I'll call you after I hatch this terrorist attack on the United States-- I mean, after I get some ice cream." Actually, he was simply vague and curt as the watchful eye of his mother Dina (Shohreh Aghdashlo) monitored his every move. Later she scolded him in her sexy, sexy voice, although to be honest, all I could really hear was a bunch of "zhh" sounds. I really hope Dina and Driscoll have a scene together. It would sound so silky smooth. Maybe Jessica Rabbit can work for CTU too. Or at least, you know, Kathleen Turner.

Nevertheless, Behrooz made his way up to the mystery compound with the mystery suitcase and handed it over to the mystery guard. Oh Behrooz. That was clutch! Nothing's gonna go wrong... Nothing at all. Oh wait. What's that just behind the trees? Uh oh. Debbie. Yes, proving that a woman spurned will stalk freely, Debbie, it turned out, had followed Behrooz to the compound. Why, is this the first loose end in a steadily unraveling plan? Methinks it is!

After a little kissy kissy, Behrooz sped home (and I mean SPED. He was there the next scene) where his father promptly pimp slapped him. Turns out a scruffy guard had caught the teens necking outside the terrorist complex (so romantic). Teenage girls - always the bane of a terrorist's existence! (paging Jane Saunders, Kim Bauer)

As the second hour reached its climax, Jack and Ronnie set out to fetch Andrew, although not before Ronnie set some ground rules: "You listen to me," he ordered. Whatever. If he's not dead by the end of this episode, I'll be shocked.

Of course, Jack and Ronnie were about thirty seconds too late as terrorist henchman #1 snagged Andrew and threw him in the back of his Lexus. Great. Someone else abducted. At this rate, we'll have about thirty six abductees by the end of the season. Nevertheless, an argument over tactics between Jack and Ronnie escalated to fisticuffs, with our hero getting cuffed to a handrail. Moments later, however, the henchman gunned down Ronnie (who would have thought?), and we watched as the dying field agent slowly, ever so slowly, handed Jack the keys to the handcuffs. Good god. Just give him the keys! Must they make every single thing so exciting? I'm dying here!

Alas, as the show hit its final minute, Jack drove off in the middle of LA traffic to find the blue Lexus while Heller received the terrorist version of a Paris Hilton sex tape: an online beheading (maybe). Well, no heads were rolling just yet. According to a live webcast, Heller will be tried for his war crimes in three hours and will be executed "If he can be proven guilty." IF? I wonder if the hooded terrorists with machine guns will be able to possibly convict him! Who knows, maybe this will turn into a modern day version of "The Devil and Daniel Webster."

What do you think? How did the season premiere stack up? Is 24 back?

Randy Moss Fake Moons on Fox, Oliver Beane Writers Wish They Could Be As Funny

Click on Randy Moss to play the video...

Middle Americans taking a break from their chuch going and porn glancing were shocked, SHOCKED today when Minnesota Vikings wide receiver Randy Moss turned a touchdown celebration into the funniest moment of 2005 (Ashlee Simpson getting booed off the Orange Bowl was less funny and more awesome). After receiving an amazing touchdown pass from Daunte Culpepper, Randy Moss mooned the Green Bay fans and then wiped his ass on the goal post - all in pantomime of course. Despite the roaring laughter in the TVgasm offices, Moss's little show prompted sportscaster Joe Buck to declare, "That is a disgusting act by Randy Moss. And it's unfortunate that we have that on our air live. That is digusting by Randy Moss." And by "disgusting" he means HILARious. Still, Joe Buck is right. Such displays of tastelessness are unwelcomed at Fox, the home of "Who's Your Daddy?", Paris Hilton, and that scene from The Simpsons where Bart moons the Australian government.

Randy Moss will certainly face a fine from the NFL, which is unfair. Any act that brings such joy to our lives should never be penalized. If I had more liquid assets, I would donate a dollar or two to help offset any penalty. Sorry Randy. Maybe you should say you weren't mooning, only stepping out of your invisible touchdown pants.

Of course, what doesn't make sense is how the NFL can accuse Randy Moss of being classless when it had already displayed a far more disturbing, disgusting, and embarrassing image earlier in the game. Viewer discretion advised:

They Can Still Be 'Friends'

Some news that will undoubtadly take the headlines away from that pesky Tsunami thing....

In the most recent who's who of the who cares news, Hitler's wet dream couple Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have called it quits.

Local LAPD is on high alert as riots and looting is expected. High schools are calling in specialty counselors to help our children through these difficult times. And the American Red Cross is diverting Tsunami relief donations towards the efforts of keeping the fabric of America in tact. Authorities recommend to remain in doors with your family and try to avoid calling loved ones as to keep all lines available for emergencies only. Donald Rumsfeld is expected to make an announcement soon which will most likely be to raise our alert level from the current "elevated." It is suggested that you keep the radios and televisions on throughout the night as to be alerted to any emergency broadcast alerts.

A TVgasm source close to the couple assure us, as of now, it is still ok to drink water from local reserves.

Though we here at the Gasm tend to make light of certain events, we felt at a time like this, we must come together and be a resource of information and not snark. On a personal note, I pray as a nation we can get through this difficult period united and emerge a stronger, greater America.

God bless us all.

Madeyoulaugh

Other considered headline : Pitt Spilts As Duo Calls It Quits

**For more information, be sure to watch the next several weeks of news, tabloids, Extra, Access Hollywood...etc etc..god we are pathetic.

Vote Or Die!!!!!

Okay, well, maybe you won't "die" per se, but you will feel somewhat guilty (hopefully) if you don't vote for TVgasm on the 2005 Bloggie Awards nomination ballot. Yes, since it is awards season, we figured we had nothing better to do than to jump into the mix and try to grab a trophy for ourselves.

There are plenty of categories to vote for, and to quote many a faux-modest ad in Variety, we'd like to say "For Your Consideration":

Best American Blog, Best Entertainment Blog, Best Humor Blog, Best Writing, Best Group Blog, Best Designed Blog, Best New Blog, and Blog of the Year. Not that we're pressuring you or anything.

Deadline is Monday, January 10th at 10 pm EST / 7 pm PST. To vote, click here.

Thanks in advance...

Her Father's a Thief, Her Mom is a Slut

You have to admit, The OC really started off on a high note. Marissa had a melt down, and we just knew that despite all of the talk about how the show had changed, there are always certain things you can count on to keep things moving along. Although I can't say this season has been any better than the first, I must admit that I think the characters and their problems are more interesting overall. Then again, we were right about to go off on a long Oliver tangent by this time last season, so I perhaps that is not saying much. Still, if the writers don't try and outsmart themselves too much(don't everybody laugh at once), we should have a lot of stuff to look forward to. If we can get the wardrobe people to take their Dilantin we will have reached rare territory.

The aftermath of the big Cohen family get together left a most of the household wondering just exactly where things stood with the whole Lindsay thing. Conveniently, Ryan had left Lindsay alone to sort things out by herself, therefore limiting the amount of information we would have missed. I would have thought she would have called, at least to have them do something about all of the lights they put up in her yard. Ryan has been contemplating a different sort of problem, like what he is supposed to do about Lindsay. He is like part of the family, and she is now part of the family, so that kind of makes them brother and sister. And even if they get past that, Lindsay looks a lot like a young Kirsten Nichol, so it's kind of like he's in love with his (foster)mom. Clearly Ryan needs to become a cult leader. That way, he can have sex with everybody without ever having to worry about people asking questions. I heard that old Heaven's Gate property is up for sale, and it's not that far from Newport. Ryan would just have to shave his head, and he is good to go.

Since Ryan is not likely to start a cult (and is not a Scientologist from what I see on the show), he must look to other ways to figure out his problem. Luckily for him there was a story line just like his on "The Valley". Those writers are so clever, but you can't slip one by me. How are the other people handling this, you know, the ones that are actually related to Lindsay? Kirsten seems to be handling it well. She hates her dad, but wants to get to know Lindsay and make her part of the family, and reminds Ryan that Lindsay will be "more like your sister". Ryan had a chance to fret about it all day, but Lindsay told him that the Cohens were friends, and that the two of them were "more then friends".

While Ryan and Lindsay are deciding just how strange things can become between the two of them, we see Zach, and he is busy seeking out Seth for some advice. Yes, that Seth. The one that he cold-clocked for being close to Summer. Zach has returned from his time in Mexico, and he wants to discuss girl matters with Cohen. Since the girl is obviously Summer, it would seem to be an odd situation, but Zach had sent Seth a Christmas card, so everything was fine between them. These two are really both just huge pussies. You just know that Summer has a gimp suit and strap-on waiting for whatever poor sap decides to marry her.

As it turns out, while in Mexico, Zach decided to have a little bit of the forbidden fruit. No, no, no, he didn't sleep with a guy, although I am thinking that is what's going to happen next. He simply kissed another girl, which is bad on its own. He really does like Summer, and wants their relationship to work. Since the girl he kissed happened to be his math tutor when he was 14, and just happened to be married and had kids, it didn't make things any easier. Seth told him to be completely honest and that he would not say a word to anybody, because he was going to follow the Code of Guys.

Everything with Marissa appears to be moving along smoothly as well. She is through with hiding DJ, and so she decides that she is going to introduce him to her father. There is no problem she says, just mention that you love "ESPN Classics". (Which reminds me, if the writers were so smart, why can't they get the name of the station right. ESPN Classic, no "s" on the end. You can't tell me somebody hasn't told them this before.) This is going to be great for Marissa. She is very close with her dad, and their honest relationship is what keeps her together. You can imagine her surprise when she sees Julie and Jimmy in a little bit of post-coitus, pre-lunch afternoon smooch on the deck of his boat.

Later on as she confronts her dad about what happened, he mentions that the two of them were thinking about getting back together. Julie Cooper is a fine pice of ass, but come on! OK, maybe I shouldn't be cynical about this. Anything can happen. Sure Julie walked out on him and remarried, and only came back after she found out Caleb was a cheating bastard as well, but shouldn't one hold out hope? Shouldn't we all believe in the power of marriage? I mean, as soon as things simmer down at Neverland, you know that Lisa Marie Presley will be knocking down on Michael's door. Marissa is understandably upset that her dad has even thought about getting back together with her Mom, and reminds him that the "already lived through this once" and then wishes he'd "grow up and be like a real dad". After she storms off, Jimmy confides in Kirsten and Sandy about his affair, and that he has decided to leave town to make things better. He's going to go into business, buying, selling, and leasing boats in Maui. And then there's that girl Tessa, who worked at the hotel...The Cohens don't really convince him to stay, and in actually decide to throw a party to send him off. Hey, that's one way to get rid of somebody, but it doesn't always work. Residents of Malibu have been throwin parties for Barbara Streisand for years, but she manages to hang in there.

Now I have been complaining all season about how annoying it is to have all of these bands come and play on The OC. After the Rooney fiasco, I thought that they would give it up. I could kind of see how they tried to work in the bands when Seth was working at the Bait Shop, but now that he has quit, there has to be some other ways to get all of the younger people together. This week, the band is Modest Mouse and they are just as uninspiring as those that have come before them, but at least they only distracted us with one song. Seth is having a little identity crisis with Alex. He visited her earlier, and she didn't want to speak with him because she was hung over. Therefore, Seth began to wonder if things were ever going to work out with him and Alex. As I said before, he is a big pussy, and she seems to like the kind of people who like fast cars and fast women, get drunk and stoned, and don't dress like the only two stores in existence are Fred Segal and Urban Outfitters.

In Seth's attempt to be tough, he first tried on one of Ryan's wife beaters. Nothing says mean and menacing wife beater t-shirt, right? Well, it might if you were actually able to fill out the shirt at all, something Seth has some trouble doing. Instead, Seth decides that he is going to look tough and mature by stealing a hip flask of whiskey, and begins taking swigs of it in front of Alex to prove his masculinity. If it's one thing that I have learned, it is that if you have kissed a girl when you both are sober, there's no need to get drunk to do it again. It's a waste of time, and you are likely going to be quite embarrassed. Seth quickly went downhill into a fit of drunkenness.

He sees Summer and Zach, and is just a little too friendly. She knows that he is drining because "his breath smells like Marissa". The writers just love to laugh at themselves and the hilarious little universe they have created. Seth's intoxication couldn't have come at a worse time for Zach, and he just happens to let the little thing about Zach kissing somebody else slip out. Considering it was the first time Summer had heard the story, it meant quite the awkward little situation. She storms out, and Alex yells at Ryan to take him home. Apparently she has a problem with all of the time Seth has pent vomiting by the speakers.

Ryan had his own problems with Lindsay. After school, she had spent the afternoon with Kirsten, and then came over to the house for dinner. Lindsay and Ryan had previously decided to keep their relationship a secret, and decided that they would find a neutral zone, what they called their Switzerland, to meet and enjoy time together. After Lindsay left Switzerland, Ryan just couldn't bring himself to get too excited by Lindsay, going as far as refusing to hold her hand in public. But those issues will have to wait, since Seth needs to get back home. Ryan almost gets him back with no problem, but we all know how hard it is to get drunk people back to their homes without any incident. You never know when somebody will moon oncoming or something similarly silly, not that I would know anything about that. Seth doesn't quite manage to be as stealthy as he needed to be. His parents might have been waiting up, but when he knocked over all of the garbage cans, he pretty much killed any chance of getting back unnoticed. I can't wait until Seth starts smoking pot.

As expected, there was hell to pay the next day. Not only was Seth hurting from his hangover, but he had no idea what he did the night before. When he finds out he caused a fight between Zach and Summer, he is upset about breaking the guy code. When he learns that Alex had to clean up all of his vomit, he wonders just how much there was. "Little Girl in Sixth Sense or Fat Guy in Monty Python" he asks. Come on writers, you can do better than that. You see, the little girl in the Sixth Sense was none other than Mischa Barton. Along with mentioning Adam Brody and The Ring, you can probably count on further movie references having to do with the cast. Will it be "Sex, Lies, and Videotape" or "The Hudsucker Proxy" for Sandy? "Candyman: II" or "Assasins" for Kirsten? "Hollywood Homicide" for Caleb? The mind boggles.

How do Seth's parents handle his drinking? Kirsten says "My son, the wino". I think it was supposed to sound like some sort of joke, but she had an almost proud tone to her voice that said "Awww, he's drinking his problems away at 17. He's almost an adult now." Sandy doesn't have the same sort of idea. He is upset that his son drank almost a fifth of Jack(not quite Sandy, a hip flask is lucky to hold ten ounces, let alone a fifth), and won't let Seth leave to apologize to Alex. Although he admits defeat for the time being, Seth sneaks out just as Jimmy Cooper's party is starting and tells Ryan to cover for him.

Oh yes, Jimmy Cooper's party. It was a catered affair, of course, and came as a shock to many, like Julie Cooper. She found out that Jimmy was leaving when she got the invite to the party. She is understandably upset and they find somewhere private to talk. Jimmy explains that he can't make the same mistake again, and that it would just be better if he left. Julie cries, either because she really likes Jimmy, or she realizes she might have to start putting out for Caleb. As all of that is settled down, Marissa walks in. Jimmy only told her earlier that day about his plan, and she did what she normall does to deal with the pain, namely drink herself into a stupor. Julie notices she is drunk, looks at DJ, and says "Is that tequila?!?". Oh Julie, we love her subtlety. What proceeds is another classic OC meltdown. Doesn't anybody realize you can't have any sort of party or catered event without some sort of catastrophe happening? Marissa threatens to expose Julie and Jimmy's affair, but doesn't get around to it. Instead she says that she's the daughter "of a thief and a slut" and doesn't want to see them any more. She storms off, and DJ follows, most likely because he doesn't want her to wrap his truck around a telephone pole.

Well, that was a great party, no? Caleb tries to get his Aston Martin from the valet only to find that somebody had stolen it. Even I was surprised when I found out it was Seth. He had stolen the car in order to impress Alex. She begins to see what he is trying to do, and tells him that he is not a tough guy, because she has dated tough guys. But before Seth can come up with a self-pitying comment, she says that she likes him because he is a nice guy, and that's the best part about him. I am going to just go on and pretend that all of her words were actually true, because we all know what becomes of this later on.

Zach is also able to reconcile with Summer. When she gets back from the party, he is waiting in her room. He had brought her a novelization of the first season of "The Valley" (oh, how original), but her mom blocked him in, effectively preventing him from leaving her house. Zach, being the nice guy that he is, spent a lot of time thinking about their relationship. He is sorry he kissed somebody else, and sorry that he told Seth instead of her. Summer is hot, but these guys have to stop groveling so much.

After Marissa's meltdown, it seems like Lindsay doesn't see her situation as so bad. Sure she is the illegitimate daughter of her boyfriend's sort of mom's dad, but she can live with that. They start to kiss, and Kirsten almost catches them, but she is oblivious to the whole thing (she is probably drunk as well), and leaves them alone. I see this relationship going far, or at least until Ryan gets self-righteous and ruins it for the both of them.

Jimmy ends up finding Marissa. It turns out that DJ called him, and let him know about Marisaa's little hiding spot on the beach. DJ probably also cleared away all of the vodka bottles before Jimmy got there. He is such a good boyfriend. Jimmy consoles Marissa, she cries into his chest, and they spend the rest of the evening on the beach catching up, or at least until Marissa passed out from the booze and Jimmy carried her home.

It would seem like Marissa is all alone, but don't be sad. She has the Cohen's Jimmy asked Kirsten to check up on her every now and then. He made no mention of his other daughter, who by now must think what in the hell she has to do to get some attention in her family. Drug overdoses and throwing lawn furniture are out, but a pregnancy may work. Then again, Marissa may beat her to that as well. Knowing that the Cohen's are Jewish, Marissa brings them fresh bagels, even though they already have bagels. Sandy, who knows the healing power of bagels, proceeds to give Marissa a little hands on instruction on the finer points of spreading cream cheese. The cream cheese is like a metaphor for the Cohen's love. You spread it around one bagel, and if there is a little extra, you apply it to another bagel. And they have plenty of cream cheese to go around.

Landon Reaches The Cutting Edge

Oh man. I nearly forgot. The Real World is back. I had become so used to its absence in December that a little wishful thinking set in, and for a moment, I thought Real World Philly was done forever. But no. In fact, the show came back last week, and I can't remember much of what happened except Sarah hates Mel Gibson, MJ loves Mel Gibson, Sarah hates MJ for loving Mel Gibson, MJ wants to use the phone, Shavonda hates giving up the phone, Shavonda cries from phone withdrawal, Willie oversleeps, Karamo is friendly to cops, and in conclusion: MJ is a chauvinist pig. Okay, I don't get it either. Let's just move onto this week's excursion into the blurry life of Landon's drunken demons.

MJ welcomed the viewing audience to this week's episode by announcing that he and Landon were going to have a guy's night out... again. These two act like they never get to hang out with each other. It's not like they're roommates or anything. Anyway, the dynamic duo decided to skip their usual hotspots (which all seem to be named "Glam" or "Splash" or something appropriately effeminate) in favor of a new joint: "The Drinker's Tavern." Discerning eyes might remember this hole in the wall as Melanie's little Fortress of Solitude - aka the place where she can pretend like she's not on a reality show. Unfortunately for MJ and Landon, they were not served the royal treatment at this fine establishment. Apparently there's a 1 Reality Star maximum at The Drinker's Tavern because before long, our curly-haired duo was on the receiving end of a chorus of boos and heckles. Luckily, no airborne chairs, stools, or ottomans were launched at Landon's giant boulder head.

The next morning, the guys were happy to tell Mel all about the incident, to which she begged that they never ever return. Mel needs time away from everyone, you see? HELLLL NO!!!!! Not if Shavonda has anything to say about that! Cut to a spazzy, spastic, and hostile Shavonda attacking us in the interview: "You need time away from us??" NO ONE NEEDS TIME AWAY FROM SHAVONDA! Why, she's the most charming, level-headed, un-shrill person there is. And to make sure that we have our fill of her, she'll make sure to create as much drama as possible. Seriously, someone needs to wrap a spool of duct tape around this girl's mouth. And then maybe drop her in a volcano.

Of course, the presence of Shavonda always means the harbinger of some dreary subplot, and well, wouldn't you know it? Here comes a sucky Shavonda B-Story! To be fair, this subplot wasn't that bad. In fact, it was mildly interesting, although I think we have Karamo to thank for that - as usual. You see, Karamo thought he'd bond with Shavonda because they're both black, but whereas Karamo is all about black culture, Shavonda's more into Shavonda culture. She doesn't see people as black or white. She sees them as "Giving me attention" or "assholes". Well, to be fair, she doesn't like labeling people because then "No one's an individual." Thank goodness she's not a TV show with cookie-cutter reality personas like "the gay guy" or "the black bitch." It's not like she's reminiscent of Arissa or Aneesa or Nicole or Coral. Phew!

As we buckled in for a touchy-feely episode about race and identity, Bunim/Murray suddenly realized there were drunken escapades to be exploited and shifted the attention away from Shavonda (yes!) to Landon (blast!). Once again, MJ and Landon headed out for a guy's night out (man, I was worried that they wouldn't get to bond again!) and surprise, surprise Landon wound up getting wasted, taking off his shirt with another guy, and giggling. Wait, what? Why did Landon and that guy take of their shirts? Oh I don't know. This show doesn't make any sense.

Later, Landon was once again the sloppiest, slurriest guy of the bunch as he climbed into a taxi and snipped at the driver. Belligerence... rising... At the mansion, Mel and her tattooed friends emerged from the dark recesses of The Drinker's Tavern to bask in the bright lights of MTV fame. Of course, there's no better way to log in some serious face time than to cross paths with Hurricane Landon as he drunkenly makes his way back to his bed (by way of a teary confessional, natch). Upon running into the curly-haired lush outside the mansion, Mel playfully semi-wrestled with Landon - or as he perceived it, VICIOUSLY ATTACKED!! Apparently Mel's non-imposing stature was a grave threat to Landon and his domicile because he suddenly barked "Step the f--k down!"

Mel tried to cut the tension by saying "I'm playing! Do you see the smile on my face?" but what she didn't realize was that Landon was once butt raped by smiling people who said they were playing. BAD MOVE. As this little tiff became increasingly uncomfortable, Mel's friends came to her aid. Well, actually it was only one friend - a portly fellow who threatened, through a series of stutters, to kick Landon's ass. And exactly how would this guy do that? Through his Magic cards? "My cloak of invincibility will shield me up to ten damage points! You shall perish, Landon of the Elf Slayers!"

Always quick to react (and by "quick to react" I mean someone has to shove him about five times), MJ finally dragged Landon into the house and told Melanie's friends that they were all welcome in the mansion. It was the right thing to do, and with that, MJ receded to the second floor to run interference with Landon and Mel's crew. Well, actually, he just went to the second floor and disappeared.

Of course, with all this activity, it was time for Mel to don her superhero suit and become "Passive Aggressive Woman" as she mentioned over and over again that Landon's an asshole when drunk - right in front of Landon. Oh, but the big guy is sensitive! And when people make fun of him, he wants to cry... and slit their throats. Yes, angry Landon grabbed some cutlery from the kitchen and waltzed over to Melanie's friends with the determined gait of any psycho killer wearing a "Huggable" shirt. What would happen? Would this be the Real World Massacre we've always hoped for?

Sadly no. Karamo had to go ruin the day by distracting Landon and taking him into the kitchen. Dammit! What sort of a roommate is he? Well, actually, he's a roommate who doesn't want his steak well done. Yes, it turns out all that knife play was because Landon was frying a steak.

Oh.

Well, it seemed menacing for a little bit. Karamo tried to spice things up by saying that Landon "crossed the line to threatening someone's life"... or at least crossed the line to making a sirloin. Okay, beef or no beef, a knife in the back pocket is - how do you say? - DUMB. It didn't help things that upon returning to the kitchen, Landon then grabbed about four knives and held them like a bouquet. This of course prompted everyone in the TVgasm offices to pray for an accidental stumble/self-impaling, but alas, Landon's motor skills were just a tad too intact. Still, this didn't stop an incredibly awkward moment as Mel's friend silently pulled a beer from the fridge while Landon stared him down as if to say "I will pulverize you. And then tomorrow, I will cry about it!"

MJ returned to weigh in with his official analysis: "Mel likes people we don't like." That's right. Because "others" are bad. KILL KILL KILL! Luckily for Mel, she had a surprise supporter in Sarah, who randomly descended into the madness with a drowsy bedhead and a look that seemed to say "You guys are great. I'm available for sex, by the way."

Eventually everyone left and Bunim/Murray land was temporarily quiet. The next morning, we watched as a black drumline sans Nick Cannon rumbled to life. I supposed this was the segue-way to back into Shavonda's story, but no, it was just a very, very random image. Unsurprisingly, it was more interesting than anything else so far this season.

Back at the house, Melanie and Landon talked over breakfast, with the Wisconsin oaf finally saying "I apologize." Very good Landon! Stabbing in wrong! Later, Landon tagged along while Karamo and Shavonda talked about race again at a café. Karamo was still having problems looking beyond color and-- wait, Landon wants to talk about his drinking. And so Shavonda's subplot frittered away into oblivion as the spotlight returned to Landon's burgeoning alcoholism. Of course, this didn't bother Shavonda as she was happy to browbeat her roommate once again.

Finally, Landon decided "I have to end it. I'm going to end it." His life? No, just his drinking. Well, for at least this episode. Temperance advisor Mel proposed a five drink maximum for Landon, a plan that seemed A-OK to Mr. Huggable. Cut to the group at a bowling alley and Landon carrying five pitchers of beer. Uh, Landon, I think you're being a little liberal with the "drinks" part of the plan.

Oh, but I kid. Turns out the beer was for everyone, and as happy, triumphant music played, we started to think that maybe, just maybe, everything was gonna be okay! Mel poured Landon a drink and said patronizingly "That's number 1, Landon." Yeah, I'm sure that condescending monitoring won't send Landon back to the booze. But for now, he was happy as he crowed to MJ, "I don't need to be drunk!" To which I wanted MJ to respond, "Uh, Landon, you're already drunk."

With the specter of alcoholism temporarily behind us, we can set our sites on more skin-crawling issues next week: scabies and Bon Jovi. Now it's getting good!

NBC Promises Boobs on TV, TVgasm Accepts with Minimal Resistance

Somebody recently told me that NBC would air it's take on America's Next Top Model Wednesdays at 8 PM. "Whoa!", I thought. NBC has programming on Wednesdays? I mean, I love Law and Order as much as the next person, but Criminal Intent and SVU are more Tivo-worthy, and I can always see the episodes I missed every other day on TNT in a few weeks. The West Wing is, well, the West Wing, and although I have never watched it, people tell me it needs some coked-up Sorkin if it's ever going to survive. To add a little twist to the lineup, and to perhaps bring Wednesday's average viewing age below 50, NBC gives us Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Model Search. So, since the Tivo is pretty empty, and I can't bring myself to write about Alias or Lost (that doesn't mean we aren't looking for others to fill in), I thought I would give it a try.

I am sure everybody sort of cringed if and when they heard about the Swimsuit Model Search. It's quite obviously trying to build on the success of America's Next Top Model. Just because one combination of factors made a good reality show on one channel, doesn't mean you can simply tweak those factors and make a good TV show. Especially if that spinoff or sequel lacks almost any originality or cuts corners on production values, not that we are going to name any names (Rocket Science). I am happy to say that Swimsuit Model Search isn't lacking in production value, but doesn't yet have the entertainment value we've come to expect from Tyra and crew.

The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model search starts with a group of twelve models. These twelve models are going to compete for a chance to win a cover in the spread of the next Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue plus a one million dollar contract from Next Models. In addition, NBC promises to let the viewers decide the eventual winner, putting a slight little American Idol twist to the whole thing. (American Idol is another show looking for some good TVgasm coverage, if you funny people are interested). Will it work? Only if the girls are bitchy and hot, and it probably helps if they are full of dumb as well.

We learn a lot in the first five minutes, such as "What in the hell are some people thinking?". The show spent about 30 seconds on the details of the casting, which was plenty to see that a lot of people out their have not come to grips with reality, such as you might need an above average body as well as the ability to tan if you want to make it into the world of swimsuit modeling. When somebody says "I have nothing to lose." and the audience thinks "Except about 15 pounds.", I am not sure what your chances are.

But I am sure that you want to get into the nitty gritty of the show. Taking the place of the Supermodel Master of Ceremonies is Cheryl Tiegs. I guess she was quite the fine piece when she was in her prime, but I wouldn't know since her first Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover was almost ten years before I was born, and I hadn't even reached preschool by the time she was in her last one. It's not that she isn't good looking, and she puts Janice Dickinson to shame in the "supermodel ages gracefully category", but she is 57. If she is the face of the show, you have a feeling it's not going to be the fun romp we got from Tyra and crew. It also didn't help the low angle shot they used of her was the absolute worst.

The other members of the judging panel were Julie Campbell, who created the Swimsuit Issue and was a former editor, Roshumba Williams, a former Swimsuit Issue model, and Joel Wilkenfield, some idiot executive from Next models. Of the three, Roshumba is the best. She seems natural on camera, has good things to say, and you can tell she really cares about the girls. Ms. Campbell is ancient, and not in a Janice Dickinson sort of way. She's ancient in a "she shouldn't be driving" or "I hope she doesn't fall and break her hip" sort of way. She's also just barely audible, although you can make an argument that she is the funniest of the bunch, but believe me, that isn't saying much. Joel really sucks. He is not funny, and is on camera way too often. To top it off, he is often chosen to speak for the judges, but I guess if you are the one offering a million dollar modeling contract to the winner, you get to have your face on TV.

After we meet the judges, the girls go into their house, which is gorgeous, and meet their Jay Manuel. His name is Nikko, and he is going to be the runway director. He tells them that they have 15 minutes to get changed into their hottest bathing suits. When they are changed, they are going to do a little runway show for the judges. Already, the gossip starts, because apparently some girls aren't shaved enough, which probably means it's been three or four days since their last wax job, and no mortal man will notice. As they are changing, we get a first look at our models. I have to say that they did find a variety of body types. I was expecting almost everybody to be tall, and have huge fake boobs, but it looks like only a few of them implants, and it looks like there is only one natural blonde. Overall, they were quite the bag of fit birds. This review is going to be too long without a little critique of each one, so visit the model bio page for all of the vital stats.

As they made their way on the runway, we learned a little more about the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model search. For instance, they seemed to search largely in places where you don't have to wear a swimsuit for long amounts of time during the year. I was quite expecting to find we would have a bunch of girls from places like Florida, Arizona, and California. As it turns out, most of the girls came from Texas or the upper midwest. I didn't even really notice the geography until I started listening to the girls talk. In particular, Nancy sounds like she comes from the farthest reaches of the Upper Peninsula.

The other girls that stood out in the first segment include Shantel, who is a Kristin Davis look-alike. There is also Krisi, who has a terrible blonde dye job, but does sport implants and carries all of the finest Paris Hilton class and elegance into the competition. I also can't forget to mention Stacy, mainly because I was trying to hide my eyes whenever she was on camera. She does have that Darryl Hannah in Splash sort of thing going, which only means she would have looked good 20 years ago. But let's look on the bright side. When they are casting for disfigured zombies for the next Resident Evil sequel, that's going to be money in the bag. Easily the worst dye job I have seen all year belongs to Marcela. Most in need of a dentist is Shannon, judging by the gap in her front teeth. And Betti is the old woman of the group, clocking in at 26.

After doing the runway, everybody got to pick their rooms, and we had a nice little shot of everybody running around and screaming. Isn't it fun learning which models are OCD (Shannon), and watching along as people first discover a bidet? It's almost as good as watching models eat, which was the next scene. It looked like they had a healthy spread available, it was truly sad watching Stacy fill her plate one small leaf of lettuce at a time. When everybody was done, it was time for cake, and several girls dared to have a piece, which of course caused lots of controversy.

The girls spent the next day enjoying their house. Ahh, the life of a model. Sit around the pool, gossip with your friends, work on your tan, and...do some basic training. Yes, if you are going to be a swimsuit model, you should be fit, so the producers sent in some people in camo pants to put the models through a workout. I would call these people trainers, except the workout consisted of nothing more than a game of Simon Says. Yes, you heard me. The girls had to do jumping jacks, situps, or pushups, but couldn't switch tasks until the guy in camo pants blew the whistle. When he told them to do jumping jacks without blowing the whistle, and nobody moved, we could see that these girls were going to be a match for this "trainer". After about an hour of this, Sabrina won, and we learned she also won the "Supermodel Pass", which would probably make sense if we knew what you could do with it.

Following their horrible day filled with almost one hour of sweat, the girls were roused out of bed at 5:15 the next morning, and put into a bunch of pink track suits for their first shoot, which was going to be SURPRISE! in their swimsuits on the beach. I know an assistant or two at Pariah (well, what once was Pariah), and so I finally got to see what they did to keep themselves busy. All that time, they were thinking of creative ways to judge the talent. Man, I wonder if they'll do something crazy like go to a tropical island or take a picture in a waterfall or lagoon? Now that's something I have never seen before.

We at least learned what the Supermodel Pass was all about, at least for this challenge. Sabrina was given the opportunity to pick the order in which the girls were going to have their pictures taken. And while any sane girl would allow a few others to go first and learn from their mistakes, Sabrina opted to go first and help everybody else learn from her mistakes, the largest of which was coming to this competition with no idea on how to pose in a swimsuit on the beach.

Sabrina wasn't the only person who had problems. Our girl Jenna had some problems with the waves. Roshumba had warned the girls that the waves were coming in pretty strong, and right on cue, Jenna was thrown off of her perch on a rock by a huge wave. Now, I don't know who was doing the editing at NBC and Pariah, and maybe some people were on vacation, but you think that after 150,000 people die in a tsunami, the producers would have found a way to cut out the footage of the blonde girl complaining about her bruised shin and the tough life of a supermodel. When it came time for Krisi to take her pictures, the judges were talking about how she is every guy's dream. Well, I guess if you like really fake blonde hair, fake boobs, and could keep her gagged all day, she would be your dream, but I am not that impressed.

During some other parts of the show, I noticed that they seemed to have set up a lot of sports venues for something or other. It turns out that these sports venues are going to be used for the eliminations, and the first one of the list was Staples Center. The girls were told to dress to impress, and were lined up in front of the judges. Four girls were to be eliminated the first night, and those left would have a group picture taken in celebration.

When it came time to read what each girl did well, and where they needed to improve, the judges were actually pretty good. They really didn't hold any punches. That is not to say that I completely agree with their taste. Nancy was the first one to be eliminated. She had a great body and a fine ass, but the judges believed she wasn't quite proportional between her upper and lower halves. That, and she had no neck. I thought they could have done a lot worse than her and she deserved to last past the first round at least. Maybe she wasn't going to win, but how can they drop that smoking body so soon?

Next they dropped Shantel, our Kristin Davis clone. This wasn't a bad choice, because she was quite unremarkable, and the judges agreed that there was nothing that really stood out about her. Marcela was next to go. Although I think there was worse among those who remained, I could see why she was eliminated. She had a good look, but her hair sort of made her look cheap. Julie said that she needed to work on her moves, at least that's what I think she said. She might have been reciting her recipe for matzoh ball soup, I am not quite sure. The last to be eliminated was Sabrina. Her major flaw was that she showed weakness by not taking advantage of the Model Pass.

The judges called out a lot of people, including Krisi for her horrible roots and trashy skirt, and Alicia for her love handles and droopy butt. (Just more cushin for the pushin is all I say.) The worst part about the whole thing was Joel, who has way too much time speaking. I guess they are imagining him in the sort of Simon Cowell way, which would work except Joel has none of Simon's smarmy charm. More often than not, he comes across sounding like he is auditioning people for his casting couch and not for a spot in Sports Illustrated. Plus, as I was watching this whole thing, I started to wonder why Cheryl Tiegs was even brought before us. Other than the little introduction and some comments from the first runway, she played no role in the show, and was absent from any judging.

Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Model Search isn't great, but it still has potential. If it is worthy of NBCs Wednesday night love, I might just try and stick through it for a few more weeks.

Passion of the TVgasm Week 10 Update

Besides fretting over what gifts you were going to give during the holidays and who you were going to smooch on New Year's, I am sure that everybody was eagerly anticipating updates for The Passion of the TVgasm, our impromptu league celebrating Battle of the Sexes 2

As you can see in the standings, things have tightened up a little bit. Domermeg's "Bring It" has opened up a thirty point lead over LilMommyBug's "The Freak Show". Surely the thoughts of what TVgasm merchandise they are going to win is keeping them up at nights. Knowing that there are three or four more teams within striking distance must be an even greater burden.

Full rankings after the jump.

PS Don't forget to watch your college basketball boys and girls, there will be a TVgasm league on Yahoo!, for those people interested in tournament brackets.

Name	Team Name	Total Score	TVgasm Rank	Previous Rank	MTV Rank
domermeg	Bring It	1070	1	2	830
LilMommyBug	The Freak Show	1040	2	1	1222
1salamander1	mandersgrrrls	993	3	4	2076
pixies_rock_girl	Dominators	936	4	3	3655
B__side	B-Side Ballers	889	5	8	5442
mmandelker	too punk rock	883	6	6	5751
freakgirldotcom	Freaks & Geeks	824	7	4	8910
bubb77	Chick-A-Dee	721	8	13	15417
madeyoulaff	The 15th Minute	706	9	11	16418
Myke_21	SinfullyxRW	697	10	10	17058
hboats	Clara City King	682	11	7	18055
jasham01	JerkStoreJabs	638	12	12	21805
nbrown21	The Passion	623	13	9	22848
_j_unit	TVgasm	580	14	17	25817
Leah3t	damncoolblakgrl	444	15	14	37017
dartmouth_g4	Parma Smarm	434	16	14	37588
buffyfan1111	scoobygang	409	17	18	39347
IndianJones	BoomBazookaJoe	382	18	16	40866
iamuseless	The Staduym Pal	217	19	19	49275
GregChttm	-	-	-	-	-

Memo To Freddy: Soup Tastes Better Without Your Vomit In It

When we last left our intrepid teams on The Amazing Race, everyone was piling into an internet café in Budapest while wrestlers Lori and Bolo nestled in for a long night in a rural Hungarian train station. What pray tell would happen?? Well, if you answered "The show would turn into an informercial for AOL," you were correct! Yes, inside that little internet cafe Phil Koegan appeared to teams in the form of a Quicktime movie (very Princess Leia hologram) and informed us that "teams must log on to America Online by using a wireless Intel Centrino laptop." Thanks Phil. For a moment I thought they'd have to log on using a pineapple. Phil went on to explain "Teams then had to sit in a chair, a common device used to alleviate stress on the legs, the traditional limbs used for standing in the human race." After Phil's generous AOL plug, the show moved on to the next - oh, wait - the AOL lovemaking session wasn't over. Jonathan: "Logging onto AOL is like communicating with my best friend" (his best friend is an ISP, apparently). Okay, well, I'm sure that was it for the AOL product placement. But no. Here's a summary of the next minute of the show: AOL is awesome. AOL can do everything. AOL's going to be my best man. AOL is friends with Sharon Stone. Must... purchase... AOL... Eventually, the cyber madness stopped and the show lurched forward to the next clue which directed teams to a rail museum that wouldn't open until 10 AM the next morning. Hmmm... I wonder how those wrestlers are doing?

Funny I should mention them. Turns out that whole thing about no trains leaving until seven in the morning was sort of, well, wrong. And just like that, two weeks of suspense was dispelled as Lori and Bolo clamored onto an early morning train and headed to Budapest. Not all was well in wrestler-land though. Lori balked at the mediocre decor, asking "This is the train?" Apparently she was expecting a lavish dining car with waiters who juggle Fabergé eggs and reenact Agatha Christie scenes.

Back at the internet café, people were still splooging about how wonderful and easy it was to get online. Well, everyone except Adam who seemed to be frustrated by the entire experience. Apparently the producers had blocked out leatherfetishboys.com. Oh, and before I get attacked with more accusations of homophobia, please remember that what I wrote was a JOKE dammit. So sensitive these people are.

With nothing to do except kill some time, the various teams ambled through the scenic city, an experience that summoned deep emotions in Kris. "All this gothic architecture. It just feels so... so... so..." Gothic? Hungarian? Spit it out! Yes, once again, Kris and Jon managed to find beauty in the experience as they cooed "This is so amazing!" If only there were some way to document the entire trip. You know, all edited together to make it exciting and stuff! That would be rad!

Also out for a stroll were Adam and Rebecca, but while she wanted to tag along with Kris, Jon, Hayden, and Aaron, Adam wanted to have some quiet, romantic alone time. Well, they had alone time, but it wasn't very romantic. I guess when Rebecca said "I don't want to date you," that whole chemistry thing went out the window. In an interview, Rebecca explained her actions by saying "I look at Kris and Jon and Hayden and Aaron and it seems so much healthier." Look, just because both members of each couple are heterosexual doesn't mean that it's "healthy." God, she's such a homophobe.

As dawn approached, the wrestlers finally stepped off their hellish train (and by "hellish", I mean "rather clean and quiet") and received their clue. A closeup on their wireless Intel Centrino laptop (with AOL broadband service, natch!) revealed their AOL username: Lorbolar6. Heh. Time to cyberstalk the wrestlers! Oh wait. LorBolAR6. AR6. It's just a name created for the show. Blast! Well, time to strike up the Tivo and see if we can catch any of the other team names. Rewind to Hayden and Aaron and oh, we gotta closeup! And their screenname is... Lorbolar6? Either the producers recycled a shot or... they read Lori and Bolo's mail! DAMN THEM!!! Penalize, Phil! Penalize!

Well, after reading their clue, Lori and Bolo simply headed to the next spot and waited for the doors to open while the other teams slept in a hotel. Eventually everyone woke up and headed over. Jonathan and Victoria took a cab, which resulted in our resident dickwad gesticulating like mad and flailing his hands all over the place. The cabbie said he could speak English, not sign language. Die Jonathan.

Teams eventually encountered Lori and Bolo, causing detective Rebecca to ask "You guys went to the internet café?" No. They decided to randomly find a bench in Hungary to sleep on and this one just happened to be at the clue.

Anyhoo, 10:30 AM finally arrived and teams lined up at a gate which promptly rose on the half hour. And then promptly fell about a second later... on Freddy's head. And, well, Hera's head too. Nurse Kendra quickly tended to her ailing model/fiancé with a customary "You okay, baby?" A woozy Freddy muttered something back, probably "I'm... bland... so very... very... bland." But no head injury could stop the models as they joined the other teams in pouncing on a little board with numbers on it. Like a pack of dogs, the teams literally wrestled on the ground for the best numbers, and well, when it comes to wrestling, Bolo's sort of got the upper hand - and deltoids, biceps, triceps, and laterals. When all the dust settled, Freddy took it upon himself to assert his toughness as he launched a tirade on whoever slammed the gate down on him. Uh, Freddy, that would be gravity. But no matter, Freddy was out for blood as he threatened "Whoever did that I will snap in two!" Yes, nothing's more lethal than an angry 35 year old male model! Especially one with no discernible muscle mass! Do I spot you trembling, Bolo?

Actually, Bolo was simply standing proudly with his #1 card while Jonathan of all people told Freddy to chill out. Wow, that's bad. That's like Hitler telling a despot to maybe tone it down a smidge. But I shouldn't be mean to Jonathan. After all, he was just playing an over the top character. Yes, that's Jonathan's latest excuse. Who would have thought he'd ever EVER claim that?

Meanwhile, the true nature of Freddy's pussiness came out when Hera gave him the old "Uh, the gate fell on my head too, but I'm not crying about it. And I'm a girl!" attitude. Nevertheless, I'm sure it did hurt. In fact, Freddie said "It felt like a bat on my face." At that point Victoria chimed in, saying "Oh, I hate that feeling. Jonathan always slams me with a Louisville Slugger and—" and then Jonathan silenced her with a bat to the face.

Amidst all this bawling, the race continued. Lori and Bolo had marker #1, so they were first to take a little rail vehicle to the next clue which featured the ever elusive Fast Forward. Pause for chorus of awe. We then cut to a subterranean Phil wandering around a dark, ominous, candlelit passage with an altar and a generally pagan-ish interior design. What are they gonna have to do? Drink blood? Oh wait. They really do have to do that. Well, if there's anyone who can chug a brandy glass of Type A cocktail, it's Lori and Bolo, and wouldn't you know it, they opted to go after the Fast Forward.

While the wrestlers went off to some vampirish libation saloon, the rest of the teams were sent to the Danube, or "D'noob" as Aaron called it. I'm partial to "Dah-nubé" or "Day-noo-bee". Wow, is this what I've come to? Making fun of someone's misguided pronunciation of the Danube? I really need to get a life. Besides, I could never be as funny as Bolo who managed to skewer Freddy quite effectively in the cab ride to the Fast Forward. Lesson learned: Lori and Bolo are way funnier when sleep deprived. And I feel like this is as good a moment as any to mention Bolo's regal last name: Dar'tainian. Was Bolo the lost spawn of some French nobility? Hmmm... I smell a reality version of King Ralph!

Aaaand... scene.

Anyway, teams all had to scurry to the next clue, which meant more taxi antics. Apparently the gate thwacking didn't shock any synapses into action as Freddy asked a cabbie the dense question, "The Danube River. Do you know what that is?" Come on. It's not like a stream behind some rocky outcropping. I half expected the driver to respond "Danube river? Never heard of it. But there is a giant waterway that crosses my country. I always call it the Big Rivery Thing. Probably not the same."

Everyone eventually made it to the next route marker where they received the next Detour: swim or paddle. Teams could either don a speedo and attempt to score on a professional water polo goalie, or they could inflate a raft and cross the mysterious Danube. Well, thanks to prolific CBS promos, we knew Gus wouldn't be opting for the speedo - thank god. However, he and Hera were the only team to brave the river wild. Everyone else went up against the goalie and seemed to score easily. Wow this was the worst goalie ever. Even Victoria managed to get the ball by him. Has the Hungarian water polo team ever blocked a ball? In other news, Estelle Getty has just single-handedly eliminated Team Budapest from the 2008 Olympic qualifying heats.

Over at the Fast Forward, Lori and Bolo fretted that their cabbie had gotten lost. "This doesn't look right," Lori scowled. I suppose her extensive knowledge of Hungarian geography and landmarks was kicking in. Eventually they found the labyrinthine caverns leading to their next task, and as their heads grazed the low ceiling, I was thankful that Freddie opted to eschew the Fast Forward, lest his noggin bump the rocks. "Who dropped the ceiling on me?!?! Whoever lowered the height of these caverns is going to get it!"

Nevertheless, Lori and Bolo downed their goblets of blood without complaint and received directions to the Pitstop. As usual Phil warned that the last team may be eliminated, but this time his ominous words were accentuated by a hostile man snapping a whip. So if you're last, you're eliminated AND flogged? Man, this show is getting harsh. Lori and Bolo obviously wound up checking in first, where the whip man yelled "WELCOME TO BUDAPEST!" Shhhhh! Use your Iron Curtain voice!

While drinking human blood sounds unappetizing, it surely wasn't as bad as the 24 oz. Hungarian soup that racers had to consume during the Roadblock. Oh, and by the way, Phil was careful to mention that "This soup is extremely hot." Cut to a poor production assistant swallowing the Tabasco red stew with a pained look on his face as if to say "This was the wrong day to get hemorrhoids."

Kris and Jon arrived first, and as the big guy tackled his bowl of spicy soup, the scene became oddly Terry Gilliam-ish as a Hungarian band crowded around him oppressively. Honestly, give him a little space. The band's attention was soon re-directed onto Aaron who showed up next with great enthusiasm. Hayden of course contributed nothing except cold encouragement worthy of a DMV worker.

Jonathan and Victoria arrived outside the little restaurant in the usual tizzy, and upon reading the clue which was something cutesy like "Who wants to spice up their life?" (did the Amazing Race just quote the Spice Girls?), Jon immediately volunteered his wife. Cut to us in the TVgasm offices gearing up for some good ole spousal abuse. Sure enough, Jonathan did not disappoint. As Victoria struggled with her soup, Jonathan yelled "You're not doing it right!" I'm sorry, but I didn't realize soup ingestion required some sort of technical skill. It's not like she was raising her spoon to her eye.

As Jonathan became increasingly shrill, Aaron scoffed "Why didn't you do it, Jonathan?" to which he replied "She wanted to do it." Wow. If by "She wanted to do it" he meant "I was too big of a pussy", then yes, he was correct. Still, Jonathan continued to browbeat Victoria, especially once Rebecca arrived and housed EVERYONE. While Rebecca's soup consumption was impressive, my favorite part was her enthusiasm at the getgo which Aaron dispelled with a grim "I said that in the beginning too." Who knew that he had such capabilities to channel the grizzly tone of Jack Palance in "City Slickers"? And, well, "City Slicker's 2: The Legend of Curly's Gold", I suppose.

Soon Jon, Kris, Rebecca, and Adam were gone, leaving only Victoria and Aaron with their soup and their nutty partners. As Jon became more high strung, Victoria devolved into an illogical, teary mess. "There's a hair in my soup!" she squealed at one point. Did she want to send it back? Get a new bowl? Eventually V grabbed Jon's empty bowl and kicked off the inevitable portion of any food challenge: the copious vomiting. Through it all, the band played on, but vomit begat vomit and soon Aaron became queasy, eventually wretching all over his lap and the floor. It was so violent and unexpected that even the band came to a halt. Awkward...

Eventually Aaron and Victoria finished, and they joined the teams racing to the Pitstop. Freddy and Kendra arrived at the vomit palace next where even the steadfast musicians were beginning to hurl. Freddy seemed to be doing okay at first — the blow to the head had removed his ability to sense spice — but then Kendra unwisely pulled a "Oh look at the vomit on the floor!" and boom! Insta-boot! Luckily, the Amazing Race is a classy show and never shows vomit, but Freddie was sure to challenge that. You see, when it was his turn to spew his brains out, he sort of didn't aim at the floor. No, Freddy just returned his stomach contents into his soup bowl.

Yes, he had to eat his own vomit on national television.

Upon realizing this, Kendra reacted as if she were being shipped back to Senegal and convulsed with a series of gags. Way to stay strong! As we alternately laughed and cringed, Freddy valiantly scooped up his gooey puke and shoveled it back in his mouth. Tasty!

Meanwhile, the other teams scrambled up to the Pitstop, although not before Jonathan managed to berate a random old Hungarian lady for blocking the doorway to a tram-like vehicle. Apparently her slight frame posed a threat for Jonathan who would have had to sidestep (the horror!) in order to reach the door. She could have cost him the race! Just like that ticketing agent! And the taxi driver! And that guy on the other side of the street who coughed and made Jonathan look over there and slow down his pace for two seconds! Why can't someone think of Jonathan for once. Dammit!

Jon and Kris arrived chez Phil in second place, followed by our domestic abusers, and then Hayden and Aaron. Upon arriving, Aaron was sweet enough to kiss Hayden on the lips. I suppose she's really attracted to Tobasco/vomit breath. Adam and Rebecca somehow lost their huge lead and wound up in fifth place while Freddy and Kendra slipped in at sixth.

And oh yeah, Gus and Hera. Well, sadly their Danube crossing turned out to be a lengthy affair. The producers did their best to make it look like they were launching some massive come from behind upset over Freddy and Kendra, but it just wasn't in the cards. To Gus's credit, he did power through that soup, but then again, did anyone think he wouldn't? After he was done, I sort of expected him to say "That was some nice soup. Now what's the Roadblock?" Sadly, Team Slow and Steady finally ran out of gas, and we lost yet another affable team. If Kris and Jon fall next, I might just cry. Well, maybe I'll just rant on this site. Or, you know, make another King Ralph reference. Either way, it could be very embarrassing.

24 Season Premiere: Delightfully Kim Free

If you were one of the lucky thousands who picked up the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly, you might have found a little gift in between the rantings of Owen Gleiberman and Lisa Schwartzbaum. Yes, each issue of EW came with a preview DVD of the 24 season premiere scheduled to air this Sunday. Sadly, the disc only provided us with the first twenty four minutes of the two hour opener, but it was enough to get the adrenaline pumping as Jack Bauer and his new clan of bureaucrats, hotties, and soon-to-die cronies tackled the latest threat to American security: Academy Award nominee Shohreh Aghdashloo, or ShoLoo, as she's known in certain circles.

All the gory details about what's changed and what's remained the same after the jump:

As some may have heard, this season features yet another cast overhaul as many (READ: all) of our usuals have been put out to pasture. In fact, aside from Jack, the only returning cast member is Chloe, our favorite CTU ninny who's traded in her ugly vest and dowdy brown hair for the standard 24 upgrade of blonde highlights and a nice purple blouse. Gone from the show (although sure to return with a few guest spots - the IMDB already has a few spoilers on that front) are Michelle, Tony Almeida, President Palmer, Wayne Palmer, and thankfully, Kim and Chase (Jack quickly explains that the two have found a house in Valencia, CA and are working at a private security firm - which I'll just assume means they're doing the night watch at Six Flags Magic Mountain).

New to 24 is perennial hipster/misfit/geek Lukas Haas as a computer nerd, Knots Landing alumnus William Devane as the Secretary of Defense, Third Watch hottie Kim Raver as his daughter (and Jack's new secret lover), and deep voiced Alberta Watson as the standard CTU bureaucrat who just always focuses on the wrong leads. Damn her! Oh, and there's Shohreh. She plays the matriarch of a lovely, suburban Persian family that just so happens to be hatching some evil internet virus on the world. Truthfully, the show establishes her as #2 to her stern husband, but if there's anything we know about 24, it's that the women always wear the pants on this show.

There wasn't much plot in the first twenty four minutes, but here's what we have so far: the show kicks off with the traditional 24 transportational disaster — in this case a train exploding in Santa Clarita. CTU is soon abuzz with the sounds of phones transferring (you know that sound: "do do doooo do") and before long, Chloe is snapping at some poor sap (who just happened to be Big Pussy's FBI liaison in The Sopranos). Jack gets cozy with his new girl, and he of course shutters when she tells him that she's falling in love (Oh no! Everyone he's ever loved has been hurt, raped, or killed! Anguish!!!). Elsewhere, the Persian family sees the train wreck on the news over breakfast. The parents speak slowly to each other with deep bass in their voices, as if to say "They shall all die. Mwahahaha!" But alas, their teenage son seems to be cavorting with an American girl. A kink in the plan? Those interracial romances haven't panned out so well on 24 — to date, the non-white people have lost a leg, suffered a biological attack, and well, died (Miguel, Palmer, and Reza - for those of you keeping score).

At an internet cafe, Lukas Haas tries to steal code from Microsoft Office and winds up discovering some evil virus (we know it's evil because it's written in evil red text, not peaceful white text). He calls Chloe (they're old friends, duh!) and she mentions this development to her boss. Oh, but those CTU bureaucrats NEVER listen! Ominous music ensues. Well, there's always ominous music. Anyway, while William Devane moans about his annoying anti-William Devane son, Jack drops by CTU to talk budget with the aforementioned CTU bureaucrat - aka Erin. This serves as a perfect opportunity to introduce us to more CTU newbies, including a raven haired looker (yes, Chloe serves her some passive aggression), a black guy, and a poor man's Goran Visnjic who serves as CTU's new Jack Bauer.

Jack heads upstairs to shoot the shit with Erin who, by the way, had him fired from CTU. Apparently she wasn't a big fan of the heroin-at-the-office habit. The two are about to get into it when that Goran Visnjic-ish guy arrives at a dry cleaners which may or may not be hiding a Turkish terrorist. Of course, this field agent is no Jack Bauer, and as Erin watches him interrogate the manager, Jack spies something on the monitor that might... just... indicate... yep, a terrorist! There's some minor scuffling, the terrorist is caught, and Jack smirks happily. Still got it!

And with that, the DVD came to an abrupt halt as the words "To Be Continued..." flashed across the screen. Dammit.

Honestly, it's hard to really draw many conclusions from just twenty four minutes of the show, but what Fox did leak to us was tight and exciting. I'm optimistic that the excising of Palmer, Kim and others means that we'll only be seeing characters relevant to the central conflict, and hopefully that will translate to a stronger season than last year's silly romp to Mexico, not to mention the purely tangental Milliken murder plot. And maybe this season they'll get around to addressing that whole assassination attempt on Palmer. You know, the one they used as a cliffhanger at the end of season 2 and never followed up with AGAIN???

Girls Find No Luck in Addition by Subtraction

I am not the type of guy who makes a bunch of New Year's resolutions, because I know I am too lazy to actually complete any of them, and am way too shallow to attempt any sort of change in personality. I did drink enough cheap champagne to give me a huge hangover, but didn't black out. That makes three mornings in a row that I had complete recollection of the previous evening's events to start off the year. That's my best record in nearly five years. Maybe this whole maturity thing is not beyond my reach. I wish I could say the same for the contestants of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge:Battle of the Sexes 2. It's a new year, and I have let two episodes go without recaps. Fear not though, because this season stuck to the script while we were gone.

In the previous two weeks we have seen the elimination of Ibis and Tonya, who did nothing to justify being eliminated other than being a leader on the woman's team. The guys lost Randy in their usual process of eliminating the people with the most disqualifications, and Steven in a very unfortunate bitch-slap incident. During the last challenge, there was a portion when the teams couldn't talk. Although there was no disadvantage for them being silent during the portion the producers chose, everybody got pretty worked up anyway. When the teams could talk, each had separated to discuss strategy, and when the guys huddled, Shane grabbed Steven's arm, and Steven responded by slapping Shane across the face with a Rock-Hudson-on-Dynasty kind of ferocity. It wasn't enough to get anybody worked up except for the producers, and that was all that counted.

Now we all know that the folks in the Bunim/Murray clique are quite incestuous when it comes to relationships, at least when it comes to the filming of the sows. But honestly, who can blame them? They film a couple of reunions a year, which takes time, and the post Real World/Road Rules speaking tour that follows their seasons always attracts many of the same people. Many live in Los Angeles, and they end up being roommates with each other. They get invited to the same parties(often parties they throw themselves), hang out at the same bars and clubs, and throw up in the same parking lots. You covet what you see every day, and so everybody hooks up with each other.

While I can't say that these relationships ever amount to anything, I can tell you that whenever they feature a new relationship on a reunion show, it usually means impending doom for one of the members. The latest couple to be set up for a fall was Mark and Robin. They feel a close connection because they are very similar. For example, they both are on this reunion show and both have deep voices. If that doesn't mean love, I don't know what does.

This week Jonny Mosely tells the contestants that they will be participating in one of the rare "no swimsuit required" types of challenges. God, if this is as difficult as they last time nobody had to wear swimsuits, uhhh, well everybody will finish, but you get my point. And to add further difficulty to this challenge, long sleeves were required.

"Semi-Cross", as this challenge was named, involved each of the players going across an obstacle course that consisted of a balance beam, tire obstacle, a see saw, and an over and under segment. Wow, I haven't seen a set of obstacles so challenging since my kindergarten playground. OK, the Road Rulers and Real Worlders did have the added difficulty in that they were on top of a group of trailers being pulled by a semi at 30 miles an hour. Advantage: Second Street Elementary. Then again, if you fall off the trailers, you get caught by a net. Fall off of my kindergarten playground, and you have nothing to break your fall but some wood chips. Advantage: Bunim/Murray. The guys and the girls would do the obstacles in groups of three, so they wouldn't distract each other while competing. In kindergarten, we were too young to even imagine that girls or boobs could ever be a distraction. Advantage: Push. After each group of three finished, the total times would be added together and the team with the lowest time would each get a Vespa. At my school we didn't get an award for anything we did on the playground, but if we colored in the lines, we got a sticker and/or a gold star. Advantage: Second Street Elementary. The Bunim/Murray stars had Subway and Snapple for lunch. I brought my lunch in a Knight Rider lunch box and an ice cream sandwich cost 35 cents. Advntage: Second Street Elementary

So, as you can see from my careful analysis, my kindergarten class was probably more difficult and more rewarding than any challenge, but I was never in prime time, so we will continue with our show. Sophia, Tina, and Robin were captains for the girls, while the guys chose Mark, Brad, and Dan. As easy as I made the obstacles sound, it took the first group of guys, Shane, Brad, and Mark, quite a long time figuring out how to get past the balance beam. It wasn't one long beam, but instead went back and forth along the top of the trailer. Whoa, might this be an obstacle that would really cause a lot of stress and require some strategy from the captains? Well, of course not. B-side, quite obviously a playground veteran in his day, took one look at the balance beam and noticed that since the sections were close together, you could shimmy along using a second beam for, well, balance, and your momentum down the last beam helped you jump to the next obstacle.

After the guys figured out the secret, it took approximately five more minutes for all of them to complete the course. It would appear that this would give all subsequent groups trying to finish the obstacle course an advantage, and since the guys had to absorb their time as guinea pigs, the women should have some sort of time advantage. That would be the case if we expected anything from the girl's team. In reality, we all know that the girls don't stand a chance, and this was indeed the case. Sophia, Tina, and Robin went first, and while the first two were able to get past the balance beam, Robin was taking a lot of time.

In the end, they finished with about the same time as the first guys' heat, but you know that wasn't going to be good enough. Why is that you say? Mainly because Coral wasn't ever going to miss a chance to point out the weakness of one of her teammates. Robin was already upset at what she thought was a horrible time, but Coral made sure to remind her just how badly she did. Robin said it was tough with all of the pressure of being the last person, and Coral jumped right on her. "If you think that is hard, just wait until the last challenge". Even when the likes of Eric Neis tried to get Coral to calm down and be friendly, she had words for him. "Go take care of yourself and your jump rope". OK, I admit, that is what I have been wanting somebody to say all year, but Coral is the last person who should be lecturing people about the difficulty of the final challenge. She might take a lesson and remember the last couple of times she reached the final mission in a Battle of the Seasons challenge. Take the Gauntlet, for instance, when Coral nearly passed out, and the team was deciding whether to carry her themselves or to get an ambulance. Or maybe the Inferno is a better example, where Coral had no problem with the physical aspect, but was then taken out by a notoriously difficulty crossword, the likes of which we have never seen before (except, perhaps on the back of my 1st grade spelling worksheets).

In the second set of heats, the guys dispatched of the obstacles fairly easily, no doubt inspired by taking turns kissing Eric's jump rope. Ruthie and Coral pretty much sped through their turn at the course as well, but were limited by Arissa, who was also having trouble on the balance beam, and psyched herself into getting through it by letting out an impressive string of profanities, only it was about as funny as seeing Andrew Dice Clay in 1995. I am not sure how Arissa has slid by this far, considering she has freaked out on almost every mission, but I guess she carries Coral's jock strap around or something. With their win, the guys all won Vespas, which is not really that exciting, but Shane did grab two handfuls of Jonny Moseley's ass when he accepted the prize.

Eliminations weren't anything special. Shane was up next for the guys, and he took his vote like a man, happy that he has some transport that might get him three or four blocks in Los Angeles before somebody kills him with their Escalade. After feeling the rath of Coral, and despite Ruthie's saying that they were all good competitors and that she didn't want to vote anybody out(What? She says that every week? Never mind then.), the girls booted Robin. Robin, for her part wasn't upset that she left, because she found the real prize. No, I'm not talking about a shirt a bra combination that can hold her tits, I am talking about the next love of her life, Mark. Because, you know, being Bunim/Murray alums, it was going to be hard for them to ever meet at another point in the future.

So we have a couple of episodes, plus probably a two-part finale and a reunion show. So, by the time my birthday rolls around, maybe I'll have had the gift of watching a decent episode from this season, but I'm not counting on it.

The Real World Is Not A Career!!!

This is the true story, of dozens of nobodies who were picked to live in a house and have their lives taped, and find out what happens when people stop being real, and start being really desparate and pathetic.

Yes, the ladies of the Bunim/Murray's Real World and Road Rules....and Real World Road Rules Challenge....and Surreal Life....and any radio show that will have them, are jumping at the chance to take off their clothes. It's unclear what exactly these women want to be famous for, but one thing is certain, few if any of them are content with letting that fifteenth minute tick away.

They don't act. They don't write. They don't sing. They don't dance. They just kinda exist on camera, saying lame things like "Go big, or go home." Yet for some reason, the Real World and Road Rule cast, seems to have the inablity to move on. They become the 25 year olds who are still going to the highschool parties. Why can't they just move on?

My Anti-RW/RR Rant after the jump. Probably not work safe if you work at Bunim-Murray.

The Real World is, and I am being generous, a documentary. The participants are subjects in an experiment to see what happens when you force relationships upon strangers. When the producers add booze in an environment void of moral reprocutions, what you are left with is fairly entertaining television. The "participants" are then fortunate enough to become flash in the pan pop culture references. Occasionally their names become synonymous with douche-baggedness. If your are a Trishelle, your a drunk slut. A Miz is a meat head. A Coral is a bitch. And so on. But more often than not, they become someone you see at a club, a grocery store or walking in to a Payday Advance (my Justin Guarini sighting), and you think to yourself, where do I know him/her from? For some reason, these pretty guinne pigs seem to think they are needed in society. They simply won't go away.

MTV has become a network for the young. Yet, Bunim-Murray is still using cast members from season 1 of The Real World. Meaning some cast members were on their show before many of the people watching Real World Road Rules Challenges were even born! John Murrays rehashing these casts, is as if I throw out expired milk, the grocer took it out of my trash, mixed it with other peoples expired milk, put it in a new container and sold it to my younger brother as new fresh milk. Sadly, week after week I, and many others are drinking this sour milk, cause their is no other choice.

I will go out on a limb and say that I don't like RW RR challenges. The challenges are lame, Johnny Mosely is about as relevant as a Hamilton reference, and, most importantly, I don't care about any of the players. They all bug me. As human beings go, they are pathetic. They are both full of themselves and empty at the same time. I’m not sure if that was very deep, or completely meaningless. These Von Dutch owning, newly manufactured vintage clothe toting, jump rope wearing fools are just.... well sad. So desperate for attention are they, and so unable to attain it via talent or hard work they just keep coming back. Trying to retain the good old days yet not realizing, that like a bald man with a bad comb over, you're not fooling anyone.

Former, current and future Bunim-Murray cast members; I suggest you consider the show an experience, not a career. Enjoy it, embrace it and then move on. If you have more than 4 Bunim-Murray credits on your resume, and you still expect to be famous...I can safely say, it's over. And you should probably move on. If not for you, then for the sake of your family and eventual kids. It's one thing to be made a fool for a season, but to be made a fool for a DVD Box Set worth of humiliation...well that's gonna effect your family for generations.

The upside to all this is that several of the castmembers, most recently Tonya Cooling, eventually realize that their beauty is in fact only skin deep and decide to grace the pages of Playboy. What follows is a recap of the some of the more memorable Bunim-Murray beauties showing off their most valuable assets, before they too fade with the years. NONE OF WHICH ARE WORK SAFE. So to the ladies of Bunim Murrays shows, we have have now seen you through several seasons and fully nude....so please you have nothing else to offer us, go back to school and make a difference.

The Tonya Collection

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The Random Collection

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