March 31, 2005
Nipple Trumps 15th Minute - UPDATED
Reality Blurred brought to our attention that at this past weeks Miami Fashion Show, Katrina Campins new modeling career was really bustin' out. That is to say she is really bustin' out at her modeling. Err...hmmm, I guess the punniest way to put it is "HEY LOOK, THAT CHICK FROM THE APPRENTICE'S BOOBIE POPPED OUT!"
Of course we at TVGasm have no imagination and needed tangable proof of what that would look like. Once we aquired it, we had no choice but to share it with you, our loyal readers.
See the newly enhanced Katrina after the Jump. UPDATE: Now more pictures from the runway. If the pictures look doctored, it's because her tits are fake.
Click on any censored picture above for the uncensored version.
And for our new friends joining us from GOOGLE allow me to welcome you by saying:
Apprentice Katrina Campins Trump Runway exposed Celebrity Boob Nip slip nipslip Tit republican church christian scientist bowel movement Tittie Miami Fashion show and PreTeen Lesbian Midget Hooker Donkey Punch.
At Least It Wasn't Herpes
It seems like I am starting a lot of my posts with apologies these days. I am going to have to apologize once again. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to come up with a humorous Constantine mashup for the front page. It's not like you don't have a lot to choose from. Now that I am feeling very contrite, I can say that I am very happy to tell you that America's Next Top Model is as good as ever. What sort of glamorous story do we have in store this week? Flesh eating bacteria, of course! But these girls are so rational and down to earth, so I am sure nobody will freak out. Really.
Last week, poor Lluvy had to hear something that nobody going through this process wants to hear, i.e., that she had taken the absolute worst picture in the history of America's Next Top Model. Hey, I don't particularly blame Lluvy, with all of those scales and whatnot blocking her face, she had one of the more difficult pictures to pull off. That being said, there are only a few ways that you can live with a face like that: 1) paper bag 2) doggystyle 3) a bottle of Bacardi 151. Unfortunately, none of those methods really translate into the modeling world, so I think Lluvy has a tough road ahead of her. The judges keep on saying that she has an "interesting" face, which must be some sort of high fashion code word for "butterface". I report, you decide.
There is another option for Lluvy. She could always find somebody else in the house that is even less secure about her looks, and let the other girls get to her before they cone and get Lluvy. I don't know if that is her plan, but it is clear that the other girls haven't really taken a huge liking to Michelle. I am not sure if they are jealous because she looked so mannish coming in, and has been taking some great shots. Perhaps they really don't like lesbians, or female wrestlers. Whatever it is, the girls always seem like they are ready to gang up on her.
Take this week for example. Michelle has a breakout on her face. It looks like it might be a few pimples, but it is definitely looking pretty bad, and there are some splotches that seem infected. Right away, the girls were ready to give their opinion on what might be wrong. Keenya wondered if perhaps Michelle worshipped the devil, but clearly she didn't see all of the nuance involved. When Noelle heard about Michelle's problem, she thought that perhaps Michelle was hurting herself for attention. Brittany told her a little spooge on the face does wonders for the complexion. She didn't actually say that aloud, but just take a look at her. That skin is not from Neutragena alone.
The information session for this week was going to be at the the Makeup Artist Designory (as a little aside, if you are going to propose to B-side, his history with makeup artists is not good). This old guy named Paul Thompson walked in and started giving them a lesson. Maybe it was just me, but it was quite obvious that the guy was just Jay Manuel with a bunch of makeup on. The beard on the guy was so heavy that you expected he might be hiding something. Even if it wasn't Jay Manuel dressed up, hearing one word come out of his mouth would have at least tipped you off a little bit. I also saw last season's episode where Jay Manuel did some drag, and this guy was strangely similar.
Once Jay revealed himself, he let them all know that they were going to be doing each other's makeup as if they were preparing for a go-see. Go-sees are a model visits a client or designer so that person can meet hem face to face. The point of the exercise was to get a look that was clean and fresh. It was an easy enough exercise, except for Michelle. Not only did she not know how to do her makeup, but she was really starting to freak everybody out. She was paired with Lluvy and Tiffany, and they were both very nice when it came to trying to hide Michelle's newfound blemishes, which Kahlen was no describing as scabies, but we all know what scabies are really about. Lluvy finally got something to be happy about, as Jay said that her face was what everybody would want when they went to see a designer. Yes, I am only talking about the makeup.
Later that night, Tyra made a surprise visit to the loft. I promise to never be sick of her boobs, but her boobs are not the only reason why I love the Tyra one on one moments. They are not only full of some of the best info about all of the contestants, but we always get to hear some great Tyra advice, and we love how the way she loves to put her emphasis on the first syllable of the important parts of her sentences. We had some of the typical stuff, like from Lluvy, who needed a little bit of a boost about her "interesting" look, and Keenya, who is still starstruck to be in the competition and seeing face to face.
We also got to a see a little bit of the vulnerable side of our divas in waiting. Tiffany confessed that she was having a hard time fitting in with all of the foie gras and the créme fresh, and whatnot. I would have thought Tyra would have said something like "For starters, try not throwing up all of the floor at a nice restaurant", but she instead did her "I went through the same thing" type of explanation. Noelle talked about how much she missed her baby, Damien. As a fan of South Park, I will never understand how people give their kids that name. But apparently, Damien is starting to get popular.
Tatiana, however, had probably the saddest story. She was homeless. It wasn't the homeless as in she showers with disinfectant powder, but it was still pretty bad. She had lived with her sister, but her sister threw her out and took her money. Her mom lives with her boyfriend (who probably tried to get in her pants), and she has been basically crashing on her friends' couches, and was sometimes forced to sleep on the beach. It didn't look like it was going to be the end of her, but you know that she is going to have a lot of incentive to get far.
The next day there was another little road trip, this time to the Salon of Beverly Hills. The girls were going to go on another makeup challenge. Instead of the fresh faces that were featured in the first makeup challenge, this time the girls were invited to put on their best haute couture. Haute couture is the high fashion, runway look that is dramatic and daring. Each girl would be applying their own makeup, but they would have only 45 seconds at one of six stations to do it. When the girls were asked what haute couture was, not one of them had an answer, so you knew it was going to be an interesting challenge.
Most of these girls are sort of afraid of taking chances, so most of them had a hard time doing anything. I think some just did a lot of what they know best, which for Noelle meant a LOT of blue eye shadow. Rebecca just added a lot of blush, and the others mixed either lots of eye shadow or blush, or both. If you have been keeping track of this season, you know that if there is anybody who could do funky and daring high fashion, it is Naima. Naima did inded win, and she said she took her inspiration from Swan Lake. I do hope Naima checks the internet, because she is going to be so happy when she learns how much everybody loves her. Naima got to pick two friends, and so she chose Christina and Lluvy to go with her to Lauren Scherr, where they got to design their own handbags. I'll never figure out what the big deal is about a new purse, but they were very excited.
As time went on, people started getting a little more worried about Michelle. Her face was only getting worse, and it looked like she was going to break out all over the place. It wasn't quite Face Off, but it was getting close. Nobody was sure exactly what it was, but the rumor mill got started when Noelle heard from her mother that a flesh eating bacteria had been found, and that it was resistant to antibiotics. One person even got pneumonia and died.
With this sort of information, you would think that Noelle would perhaps warn Michelle. If you had a friend, or a housemate even, who might have a flesh-eating bacteria, wouldn't you tell them? Not Noelle, she decided that she should tell all of the girls in the house and make sure that they were all plenty paranoid. Soon, other girls begin calling people and asking them about flesh eating bacteria, and almost everybody confirmed that it was in fact the truth. Lluvy and Tiffany were concerned because they had shared the same makeup, and so if it was contagious, they were probably the first to get it. All of this further alienated Michelle, who has already confined herself to her bed because she doesn't feel like she belonged and now she thinks she is a freak who is going to be disfigured. There was finally a voice of reason, and it had nothing to do with Tyra. When Tiffany called her grandmother, she said the girls all needed to get a life. I agree. Michelle is certainly crazy, but can she be worse to be around than Brandy, who is complaining all the time? As long as there is somebody in the house more insecure than them, the girls will never worry about helping that girl out.
When it came time for the photo shoot, we knew that makeup was going to be involved, and it was certainly a very interesting challenge. The girls were going to do a "Got Milk" photo shoot, and in their photos, they were going to become a different ethnicity. Certainly a challenge, even more so than having to pose with huge crab arms attached to you. The new ethnicities were going to be: Christina - East Indian, Tiffany - Native American, Brittany - African American, Keenya - Korean, Kahlen - Hawaiian, Michelle - Eskimo, Naima - Icelandic, Tatiana - Biracial, Lluvy - Swedish (milk maid to be exact), Rebecca - Italian, Noelle - African (with headdress).
To add a little difficulty to the challenge, the girls all had to pose while holding a small child who was actually of the ethnicity they were trying to portray. The rest of the girls started to worry when they heard about the kids, but not because they were worried that it would be hard to hold them. They had worked themselves into such a frenzy about Michelle and her bacteria, that they didn't want to expose a youngster to disease. Michelle showed the makeup artist, who showed Jay, who decided that Michelle had to see a dermatologist. Once there, Michelle learned that she had impetigo, which isn't serious and is cleared up with some antibiotics and facial cream (see, Brittany was right!). As a side note, I did some research to get the name right, and found out the government[of Singapore - thanks SDNWTMTOHH] has a National Skin Center, complete with all of the gross pictures of skin maladies that you could desire.
Michelle returned with the good news a little while later, but the photographers still wanted to be careful with the kids, so Michelle got to pose with a baby doll, which was roughly 35 pounds lighter than the actual kids the rest of the people had to carry. Some of her roomates admitted that perhaps they had made the whole thing bigger than it really was. No, you're kidding! Anyway, without Brandi around, it's up to Tiffany to be the angry black woman, and she immediately got upset about how it was unfair that Michelle had no heavy weight on her. There is nobody more sympathetic than a gay stylist (sorry to stereotype), and Michelle's stylist was defending her, first saying to take it easy on Michelle because her face was falling off (OK, not exactly the way you want to have that point made, but point made nonetheless). He then said that maybe it was unfair because Michelle was prettier than Tiffany. Tiffany did have a point, but Michelle wasn't exactly gloating about the fact, and she has been a nervous wreck the whole time, believing her skin would be the thing that sent her home.
The photo shoot itself wasn't that bad. I guess I still find it odd to see people putting on what was almost blackface in this day and age, but they looked better than Ted Danson. The whole thing was almost like a second makeover for everybody, so you got to see a lot of them with dramatic hair changes, not to mention all of the skin voodoo they were doing. Noelle was very proud to be dressed up in traditional African dress, because she is half black and it was a chance for her to embrace that side of her. Naima, on the other hand, felt strange dressing up as Scandinavian because her mother and father are half black/half Mexican Indian and half black/half Irish, so Scandinavia is not something she identifies with. She was very sweet (is she anything else?) when she said "I guess it's what's on the inside that counts". As long as it's not silicone, I whole heartedly agree.
Before the judges had their say, the girls had one more makeup challenge. This time, they all had three minutes to apply their makeup. Degree of difficulty: no mirrors, no applicators. As you can imagine, it was a huge disaster. When it came time to judge the pictures, I was really unimpressed by a lot of them. The makeup was good, the clothes were good, but the lighting was kind of dark and a lot of people looked like they were lifeless. Keenya took what I consider to be the best picture, but I didn't think too many others really stood out, although Noelle's was pretty good. The judges also liked Brittany's and Kahlen's shots:
Poor Lluvy, she was among the last two girls for the third straight time. This time, she was up against Noelle. The judges love their juxtaposition type speeches and we got another one. Lluvy was the girl with all of the potential, but took horrible pictures. Noelle had great pictures, but just didn't seem like she had that model or high fashion quality about her. I could try and drag it out, but I am going to keep it short and say that Lluvy stayed and Noelle went home. Although I am not one for Lluvy and her "interesting" face (OK, maybe with remedy 2), Noelle had to go. She was cute, but I don't think she really stood out or had the model look. She said herself that she only kept up with fashion in magazines, and to be honest, I have seen better looking girls working the counter at my frozen yogurt place. As far as high fashion work goes, Noelle probably starts and stops at the dELiAs catalog.
A Bloody Good Time, Part I
Now THAT was a great episode! For all those who missed Tuesday night's marathon Amazing Race installment, you sadly were deprived of two hours of pure, unadulterated excitement. Sure, there was a non-elimination round in the middle, but honestly, did anyone expect anything else? It's pretty much a tradition now that whenever The Amazing Race enters Africa, the first Pit Stop is always non-elimination. That's okay though. Unlike most viewers, I'm rarely upset by such rounds only because it means we get another week of racing madness, and in the case of this season, that's a good thing. Tonight's episode seemed to have it all: an intense Fast Forward, a gaping head wound, a scary car accident, and most importantly, an insanely close finish that easily ranks as one of the very best endings in Race history. So buckle up (Brian and Greg) and attach your hardhat (Gretchen). We're going to relive it all over again...
Was that cheesy? It felt cheesy. Yeah, it probably was cheesy. Just... I don' t know. Keep reading.
The episode began with our controversial couple, Rob and Amber, leaving the Pit Stop in the wee hours of the morning. They were directed to catch a flight to Johannesburg, South Africa which we'll assume is what Rob meant when he read "Yohannesburg." [Editorial note: I'm officially an idiot. As a former student of Modern South Africa, I should have remembered that this was, in fact, the correct pronunciation. I've been living in L.A. too long...] As the two headed off, Rob reflected that "there has been a guardian angel looking out for Amber and I." I'm not going to play the conspiracy card again, but man, it's so damn easy.
Next up were the brothers -- Greg and Brian. The two happily pointed out that they were the only team left that wasn't in a relationship. Aren't you guys overlooking your love affair with Urban Outfitters? Seriously, where would you be without your mandanas? Nevertheless, our friendly siblings arrived at the airport and purchased tickets for Africa. Was it just me or was Lynn pulling double duty as an airline employee? I probably was just seeing things -- unless Lynn has a long lost twin who just happens to work at a South American ticketing counter. Talk about a small world!
I'm pretty sure that's Lynn printing out tickets at the airport.
Ron and Kelly snagged a cab from the Pit Stop and immediately questioned whether or not they should stop at a travel agency. After some minor discussion, Kelly confirmed that they'd be going directly to the airport by patting the cabbie's right shoulder. Luckily, she also said "Aeroporto" which is good because I'm pretty sure she accidentally tapped his "travel agency" shoulder. Man, doesn't she know? If you ever want to go to the airport, always tap the cabbie's LEFT shoulder.
Moments later, Alex and Lynn emerged from the Pit Stop, and after navigating around some unsightly poop (Oh Phil...), they soon joined the other teams at the airport. Sadly, my Lynn/airline employee theory proved to be incorrect, which meant I could toss that idea onto the junk pile of other fallen conjectures (you know, like "Yes, Dear will be off the air after two seasons" and "Paris Hilton might have a brain after all"). One theory I do still stand behind is that Ray and Deana continue to underwhelm in this otherwise colorful cast of characters. As the two piled into their taxi (driven by an enjoyably dressed-up cabbie), Ray continued to bitch and moan about being at the back of the pack and how he just couldn't lose out to the old people. You know, all this guy does is complain. He doesn't have that ticking timebomb intensity of Colin or that crazy, over-the-top stupidity of Jonathan Baker. Therefore, he serves no use to us. But at least he can always have a healthy freakshow career as the world's first talking gorilla.
The last team to leave the starting gate was of course Gretchen and Meredith, our plucky seniors who've managed to carve out a niche for themselves as the perennial Amazing Race caboose. Upon hearing they'd be traveling to South Africa, Gretchen let out an excited "WHOA!" that was oddly reminiscent of Joey Lawrence on "Blossom". You know, now that I think of it, if CBS ever does a celebrity Amazing Race, they should definitely cast Mayim Bialik.
Anyway, all the teams caught up with each other at the airport, and then it was off to Africa! CBS cut to some random stock footage most likely provided by the South African Tourism Board. Lions! Nature! Truth and Reconciliation Hearings! Oh wait, I accidentally flipped over to Frontline. Nevertheless, teams eventually arrived in Johannesburg and found the rare Fast Forward in the next clue box. Anyone antsy to skip ahead could drive to Soweto and traverse a rickety suspension bridge over a cooling tower thirty stories up. Needless to say, it looked like the scariest thing ever done on television. I mean, I know these shows always have people climbing over gorges and dropping from the sky, but there's something so ominous and dark about crossing a cooling tower. It's like a giant bottomless pit that's just begging to swallow you up. I think cooling towers are the new boogeyman.
Anyway, teams not wanting to do the Fast Forward could instead opt for the Detour which was a choice between Tunnels or Tribes. In Tunnels, teams had to go spelunking in some caves (well, I guess that's redundant. It's not like you spelunk in a tree) to find the next clue. In Tribes, teams had to go to a cultural village and bring various items to the tribes who live there. Most teams headed off to the caves, but Lynn and Alex decided to hit up the cultural village. As they pulled out of the airport, Lynn remarked "I'm so glad Johannesburg is a real city. I was so afraid it would be chickens and camels and whatever." I guess Lynn hadn't been to J-Burg's famed Chicken and Camel District.
The good news for us viewers was that Ray and Deana decided to go after the Fast Forward. I'm always up for anything that might send Deana to a dark, frightening death. Oh, I shouldn't say that. I'm sure she's a lovely woman. Still, it'll be cool to see her shake like a dry leaf up there. Sweetening the deal was news that Ramber would be going for the Fast Forward as well. Excellent! This means that at least one asshole team will be screwed. Oh, but then again, logic told us that this was just a non-elimination round, so we shouldn't get our hopes up too high. This of course begs the question: why put a Fast Forward on a non-elimination leg?
While we pondered these questions, Ray and Deana arrived at the cooling towers first, and holy shit this task is scary. I need a safety harness just to watch it. Amazingly, Rob and Amber arrived about ten minutes later and instead of turning around and heading for the Detour, they simply suited up, desperately hoping that Gorilla and Gazelle might give up on the challenge.
I guess you could call this daunting.
Meanwhile, over at the cultural village, Lynn and Alex were having a ball delivering items to the indigenous tribes. Enjoyable awkwardness ensued when a Zulu warrior pretended to stab Lynn and Alex. The two guys recoiled violently before exhaling in relief as they discovered their lives were not, in fact, in danger. It kind of felt like some deleted scene from The Birdcage.
Over at the caves, Ron and Kelly suited up for some groping in the dark. A woman tightened a harness around Ron's groin, and as he smiled happily, she gave an extra tug, certainly providing him with an insta-wedgie. I suppose it wasn't that significant of a scene, but anytime someone gets it in the balls, you've gotta laugh.
Back at the Fast Forward, Rob and Amber went crazy as they deliberated whether or not to stay or go to the Detour. I was personally amused at the tech crew outfitting the duo with harnesses and helmets. No, Rob didn't get a wedgie like Ron, but while Amber was talking, some guy shoved a helmet onto her head, causing her hat to smother her face. They might as well have put a bucket over her head. Nevertheless, while Amber adjusted her hat, Rob implored her to make a decision for once: stay or leave? Amber simply looked at her fiancé blankly, as if to say "You do realize I got to where I am now by flying under the radar, right? I don't do decisions. Tee hee!"
Hey, let's check back in on the other teams. Let's see, Ron and Kelly were crawling around in the caves. So were Brian and Gregg. Uchenna and Joyce were lost on the road again, and Lynn and Alex were greeting cows, literaly. Meanwhile, Meredith and Gretchen built a case for age limits on drivers licenses as the two wound up motoring down the wrong side of the road. After a near head-on collision, Gretchen cooed that after this commute, the spelunking would be a walk in the park. Or at least a walk, trip, and head wound in the park. But more on that later.
With Ray and Deana successfully completing the Fast Forward, Ramber was left with no other option than to find the Detour. Unfortunately for them, they became lost; so they stopped by a Soweto hospital to get some directions and hopefully 10cc's of help from CBS (technically, the conspiracy theory was that CBS wanted to ensure Ramber would be in the first four episodes, so based on that, they're on their own now — if you believe the rumor at all). Just when we thought Rob and Amber were finally hitting tough times, wouldn't you know it? All the nurses and doctors recognize them from Survivor and leap to their aid. "These guardian angels along the way helped us so much because they recognize us," explained Amber. Um, I think it's less guardian angels and more like star-struck angels. I mean, the whole idea behind "guardian angels" is that some random event happens and you benefit from it. It's not very random to receive help if you're the star of a worldwide hit show. And if I may hop on my soapbox for a moment, although Rob and Amber make terrific TV and certainly have added a great element into the mix this season, at the end of the day, they do sort of have an unfair advantage over other teams simply because of their celebrity. Some might argue that their celebrity also makes them the target of animosity, but, well, we've yet to see that play a factor. Who knows, maybe a Yield will have me eating my words.
Down in the caves, Brian and Greg slithered through some tight crevasses and took the moment to reflect on some childhood memories. "If you can't handle me stuffin' you in a sleeping bag when you were little," started one of them before trailing off. Man, these guys are such brothers. I kind of feel badly bashing them. They seem so happy and nice, especially with all their brotherly fist bumps. Later, as they emerged from the caves, one of them pointed out the oily gunk on their faces from crawling around underground. "Spelunking war paint," one said, causing the other to reply "You look like Braveheart, dude." Yes, he did look like Braveheart, assuming Braveheart had fallen into a cave.
Meanwhile, Lynn and Alex were still running around their tribes. I wasn't quite sure what was taking them so long, but at least they seemed to be having a good time. Upon arriving at a bright, clean, and colorful tribe, the guys noted that it was like the "Beverly Hills of the villages." Well, minus all the wealth and opulence. But that's okay. I can appreciate the analogy.
Meredith and Gretchen finally arrived at the caves, and as our plucky grandma lowered into the abyss, she called out "Goodbye cruel world!" Technically, if we were to take her joke seriously, was she implying that she was going down to hell? Surely I thought she'd be heading to the Pearly Gates, but I guess Gretchen has some skeletons in her closet. I don't know this for sure, but I'm just gonna say it anyway: double homicide.
While the old fogeys descended to the subterranean depths, Ray and Deana checked in at the Pit Stop, winning two Toyota Rav 4s in the process. Yes, check out your shiny new cars. They're just over there, next to the impoverished household struggling to put food on the table. Anyway, the two winners seemed quite happy, but I couldn't help noticing Deana's Quasimodo-ish stature as she stood hunched over with her right eye half closed and twitching. I half expected her to go running off in search of a church bell to ring.
Ray and the Hunchback of The Amazing Race
Back at the caves, Meredith and Gretchen emerged sans clue. They mistakenly thought that if they had crawled all the way through, they'd receive the clue. But no. The clues were underground. "Imagine if we fell here," said Meredith cockily before returning to the cave. Yes. Imagine. Well, about two seconds later, we saw Gretchen's head disappear behind a rock followed by what sounded like a pigeon dying. Turns out Gretchen had taken a nasty spill. Gretchen down! Gretchen down! The paramedics soon swooped in and we saw Gretchen in all her bloody glory. Honestly, she looked like a horror show as blood streamed down her face. "I've been wanting a face lift for a long time, " she said happily, causing Meredith to reply "Face lift? But I thought we agreed you'd do your boobs first, honey. Oh, you were joking? Um, never mind."
Well, the medics soon wrapped Gretchen up like a mummy and sent her packing. As she and Meredith headed for Soweto, she feared that she wouldn't be presentable for the market. So self conscious! Just because your head is wrapped in bandages, you've got dried blood on your face, and your shirt is covered with grease doesn't mean that you'll stick out. Check that. She'll look like an escaped mental patient. That's okay. I know how she felt. When I had my wisdom teeth taken out, I went into the pharmacy to get my painkillers, and with dried blood on my lips and cheeks rapidly swelling at an alarming pace, I kind of looked like a cannibal about to blow chunks. Needless to say, talking to the old lady at the pharmacy was incredibly embarrassing.
Meanwhile, Ron and Kelly and Brian and Greg finished up the Roadblock and headed to the orphanage to deliver the goods. The children screamed with delight as teams entered, but they were particularly happy to see Brian and Greg who ran in there as if they were rock stars. It was a sweet moment, even if it was a tad silly on the brothers' part. Outside the orphanage, Ron and Kelly got directions to the Pit Stop which was by a scenic overlook of... a mangy field and some dilapidated houses? Okay, it wasn't the prettiest place, but it was the former residence of Nelson Mandela, and that's got to count for something. Anyway, after getting directions from a local, Kelly raised her hand up in a "gimme five, up high!" gesture that was sadly not returned immediately, causing that awkward moment everyone dreads as your arm just dangles in the air. I half expected Kelly to bark "Come on, bro. Don't leave me hangin'! Show a sister some love!" Sadly, this didn't happen, but the guy did put her out of her misery, giving her a lame pity high-five.
High five! High five! Come on, this is getting awkward. High five!
The former beauty queen and POW arrived at the Pit Stop second where Phil chided them by saying "I've seen you guys look cleaner." Sorry PHIL. I guess they forgot to take a shower in between the transatlantic flight and the greasy cave spelunking. Besides, if he wants dirty, all he has to do is wait for Gretchen, aka Mummy Dearest.
Back at the market, dimwitted Amber seemed unable to locate any of the items on her Roadblock list. Yes, it can be so hard to find toys and shirts and towels in a market. They are such rare commodities. Luckily for her, another one of those "guardian angels" found her and offered help. Wow, with all these people offering up their services, you'd almost think these two were already famous. Oh wait...
Anyway, Ramber and their new friend moved on to the orphanage and then the Pit Stop where they came in fifth after Deana and Ray, Ron and Kelly, Brian and Greg, and Lynn and Alex. Rob and Amber were kind enough to share their Pit Stop moment with their guardian angel, but unfortunately, no BoSox hats were doled out as a thank you gesture. We never found out what happened to that random girl, but chances are she went home and was instantly ridiculed.
Hey look, it's King Tut, and he's shopping! Oh wait, it's just Gretchen. Never mind.
Hey, mummies have to shop too.
Remember Uchenna and Joyce? Well, they really didn't do much that was too remarkable this hour, but we knew the orphanage in South Africa would really hit home for them. Unfortunately, the moment was so rushed, the producers weren't able to get the full emotional response out of Uchenna and Joyce that they wanted (flashbacks to Gus crying in Africa last season. Wow, I'm already tearing up again). When the couple checked in, Phil was sure to ask Joyce how she felt about the orphanage, and sure enough, we got those waterworks. I could just imagine Phil off camera rubbing his palms together and laughing maniacally "Cry! CRY! LET THE SALT OF YOUR TEARS FEED MY SOUL!"
Anyhoo, Gretchen and Meredith arrived last, but I wasn't too concerned. This was, after all, the halfway mark on a two hour episode. Surely this would be a non-elimination round. Sure enough, it was. The couple had to hand over all their money, and in a new twist, fork over all their belongings too. Yes, Meredith and Gretchen had to lose everything except their passports and the clothes on their backs. Ouch, that's gotta hurt. Actually, it might not be that bad. Now they don't have to worry about heavy bags anymore. I guess it will really only hurt if they move to a cold climate or need to camp out by a door overnight. Yeah, they're pretty much screwed.
But would they be able to bounce back?
In an effort to not make this post any more of a novel, I'm going to end here and begin Part II of the evening in a new post. This is exciting, right? A blogging cliffhanger of sorts.
To Be Continued...
March 30, 2005
BREAKING NEWS - TVgasm Beats A Dead Horse
 Gollum | + |  Chick From The Grudge | = |  Constantine Maroulis |
Our Eyes -- They Burn! They Burn!
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Since today is shaping up to be anti-Constantine day at TVgasm, we've culled these screencaps from his embarrassing appearance on Elimidate. In case you haven't seen it, I highly recommend watching the clip here. Full size pics after the jump.
Constantine: the pasty, talentless Usher.
Constantine perfects his sexy image.
Yes, this guy just screams "Rock 'n' Roll!"
As Long As We're Making Fun of Constantine...
 Penny Marshall | + |  Artie Lange | = |  Constantine Maroulis |
The Makings Of An Idol
 Gizmo | + |  Effiminate Naked Statue | = |  Constantine Maroulis |
About A Boy
Bad news everyone. Apparently the standards for a terrorist attack have been greatly raised. After a day that's seen the Secretary of Defense abducted, a nuclear reactor melting down, an EMP going off, and even a train exploding pre-dawn, the terrorists on 24 STILL haven't put down their guns and martyred themselves. How are these attacks not good enough? I mean, a nuclear reactor melting down and spreading radioactivity throughout the region — that's considered a legitimate terrorist strike! Now let these poor CTU workers sleep, or, I don't know, maybe grab a milkshake at Mel's Diner.
Sadly, it's never that easy on 24. The bad guys always have a contingency plan which means more crazy antics every week. This time around, our old friend Behrooooooz returned to the spotlight as he became the centerpiece of some impromptu Habib Marwan scheme. No one ever likes to see a frightened kid, but somehow the dynamic duo of Curtis and Behrooz warmed my heart in ways that are fairly indescribable. I think it's time this odd couple got their own show. All they have to do is survive the day. Needless to say, it's not looking good for Behrooz.
The episode began with a swift response to all the conspiracy theorists who've been chattering since last Monday: Yes, Dina Araz is dead. CTU found her body in a van. So it's official, people. No more Shohreh. It's really a shame. Since January, she was probably one of the best, if not the best, actress on network television. If Fox doesn't manage to launch a successful Emmy campaign for her, well, then I'll be peeved. And no one likes to see me peeved.
Anyway, after some general discussions at CTU brought us back up to speed (yes, Jack is being held by Marwan; yes, the terrorists still have something up their sleeve; yes, The OC has been better the past few weeks), we returned to Mitch Anderson, a.k.a. the homicidal version of Eric Stoltz who seems to be infiltrating the Air Force unimpeded. Mitch was set to take off in a bomber, but wouldn't you know it? The tail light was out. Actually, it was far worse than that. There was a crack in a strut, I believe, meaning that the plane would most likely transform into a giant fireball upon landing (not that Mitch cared about that). A friendly mechanic informed Mitch that the repair would take about an hour, and then after that he'd be off to Ventura for some "R & R" (if you're thinking he meant "rest and relaxation", you'd be wrong. Apparently there's gonna be a huge Rita Rudner show. He's a fan). Sadly, we knew this smiley guy would be no match for faux-Stoltz, and moments later, Anderson shot him in the back, brutally ending a young actor's payday. It's okay though. I guarantee that wherever the mechanic was heading to in Ventura has most likely been destroyed by a mudslide. So you see, it's good that he died. That way he wouldn't be disappointed.
Back at CTU, Audrey was still hanging around the company infirmary/trauma unit, certainly dreading a feeding tube future for Paul. While she fretted, Michelle and Tony debated whether or not tell her that Jack was missing. Tony wanted to, noting that she has a right to know, but Michelle was more reluctant. I suppose now would be one of those moments to tell Audrey a CTU white lie, yes? Well, Michelle didn't have much time to think of one because seconds later, Audrey materialized right in front of her. "Jack is missing," blurted out Michelle. Nice cover-up, Michelle. She then added, "Did I say that? I meant, Jack is missing a... a... tooth! Jack is missing a tooth!" She and Tony then laughed uncomfortably and offered Audrey a muffin and two free tickets to "Mamma Mia!" just to get out of their hair.
Actually, that didn't happen. Instead, Michelle simply informed Audrey that her other love of her life was at the mercy of the terrorists. Tough day for Aud. Maybe she should step into a CTU holding cell and get tortured just to top it off.
Luckily for Audrey, she just so happened to be dating the closest thing we have to a superhero out there. At that very moment, the oft bound-and-gagged Jack was handcuffed to a railing, trying so very hard to fix his situation. Habib Marwan, fresh from his Dr. Evil class, approached him and boasted about his accomplishments for the day (note my opening paragraph). Jack flat out rejected Marwan's claims, saying that the American people are strong willed, and we won't remember the deaths of today but instead how we defeated the terrorists and rah rah rah Go Team! Honestly Jack, let's not overlook that meltdown. That's some pretty grim shit. Besides, the last thing you want to do is make the terrorist take out another target just for pure machismo purposes.
Somewhere around this time, a random bearded man with a penchant for exposition approached Habib and informed him that they had a problem. Remember that military pilot whose family bit it last episode? Well, some neighbor or relative checked in on the fam, found the dead bodies, and, you guessed it, called the police. Uh oh spaghetti-oh. The last thing these terrorists need is for something to go wrong. Again. An LAPD report could be just enough to stop Mitch Anderson and whatever nefarious plans he has up his sleeve. Habib decided he would have to distract CTU so that the LAPD report would fall the bottom of the department priority list. But how could they divert their attention? Hmmm... Maybe crosswords? I can just imagine it: Habib tenting his fingers while Edgar searches for a five letter word to describe Chilean pottery. Habib would then laugh and say "The only thing better than doing the New York Times crossword is finishing the New York Times crossword! Am I right people? Now, who knows a four letter word that's used in fencing'?"
Actually, Marwan decided to nix the whole crossword idea in favor of a more visceral plan. He asked Jack who CTU had in custody. Uh oh. This won't be good for Behrooz. Personally, I didn't know why Marwan was going through such trouble for his distraction. It's not like CTU is the bastion of clear thinking. Let's not forget all the staff turnover due to suicides and accidental torture. Edgar and Chloe meanwhile were doing nothing to dispel the notion that CTU wasn't a well-oiled machine. The two computer oddballs went at it like snarling poodles as they battled for superiority. Turns out Chloe thought she was still Edgar's boss, but sometime between her firing and Edgar's saving the entire country, he got a promotion. When Chloe claimed that Edgar works for her, he retorted "I worked. Worked. With an 'ED' at the end." He then went on to add, "Now I have a lot of actheth to thtuff. Did you hear me? Actheth - with an 'eth' at the end. If you underthtand me, say yeth."
Still, despite his insistence on having the higher position, Chloe continued to whine to any authority figure who would listen. "Edgar works for me!" she complained in what was shaping up to be one of the best CTU power squabbles EVER. Alas, Chloe was shot down and with her patented scowl, she returned to her desk, ready to deliver all her passive aggressive might onto Edgar.
Edgar however seems to have earned a little niche for himself as the CTU receptionist, fielding calls from everyone, including Habib Marwan himself. Was it just me, or was he completely too blasé about the fact that the most dangerous terrorist in the country was on the phone with him. And another thing, if Habib is so powerful and strong, why does he call the lowly computer guy instead of the CTU director's personal line? It's like calling the White House janitor to reach the Oval Office.
Well, Habib got on the phone with Michelle and informed her that he wanted to trade Jack for Behrooz. The big plan? To fashion a wig from Behrooz's curly fro to cover up Marwan's unsightly baldness. That's at least what I would have surmised. Needless to say, I'm not a government super agent. Unfortunately for Behrooz, Marwan asking for him led CTU to believe the poor kid had information that was actually valuable (silly CTU. It was only red herring!). Anyway, if it's information you need, CTU's always got a plan. Curtis, rev up the Torture-Tron 2000! Yes, it had been a good two episodes since we had seen any significant torture; so why not go after another innocent person? Minor prediction: Behrooz will crumble under the mighty hand of Curtis.
Everyone at CTU met in the boardroom to discuss a plan, and as the various workers dispersed to tackle the logistics of the Behrooz/Jack exchange, Audrey cornered Tony and began assaulting him with questions. Where is Jack? They want to trade him for Behrooz? How will that happen? Will Jack be safe? Good god WOMAN! Just go to the meeting next time!
Anyway, our orphan Behrooz sat anxiously in his chamber, waiting to be released. He kind of looked like a trapped bunny — scared, nervous, and fluffy (it's the hair, really). As predicted, he was a total mess at the hands of Curtis. You know, he's been through a lot today. First his mom kills his girlfriend. Then his dad sends a guy to kill him. Then his dad tries to kill him on his own. Then he actually has to kill his dad. And now his mom his dead (although he doesn't know it) and a big man with a scary voice is torturing him. Man. It's a bad day to be Behrooz.
Meanwhile, that inconvenient LAPD report about the military pilot's dead family finally surfaced at CTU, but unfortunately, our techies were in the middle of a stupid feud. Edgar tried to offload the report to Chloe, but she pulled a little "I'm not the boss. This isn't my responsibility." As a result, some pleasant girl named Meg got stuck with the police report, and she was none too happy. Listen Meg. Just do your job and be happy you haven't gone the way of other CTU computer experts: dead (or mourning a dead family member/friend. What's up Adam, Edgar, and Chloe).
Hey, remember Mitch Anderson? Well, since we last left him, he'd disposed of the mechanic's body, jumped into his uniform and assumed his identity. The shapeshifter assassin reported to some military guy that the plane was all ready to go. The supervisor was a bit suspicious, but Mitch flashed a grin and handed over a full report. He then added, "By the way, if you don't mind, I know I'm only a mechanic, but I'm going to hop in and fly away in the plane. Mmmkay?"
At CTU, Chloe left her busy desk to bring some forms to Audrey. We must all send the writers some thank you notes as we once again were given the gift of yet another incredibly awkward scene as Chloe yammered on about Paul being injured and Jack being lost and how hard it must be for Audrey. "Just SHUT UP!" Audrey seemed to want to say, but instead she quietly told Chloe to zip it. "I was inappropriately blunt, wasn't I?" said Chloe in what I think was the very first unabashedly obvious comedy line in the history of 24. I mean, they've had funny lines before, but never with such sitcom zest. Bravo. Bravo.
Later, Chloe and Edgar went at it again, this time after he asked her for help on something. Chloe simply snapped that what he needed done was something that the boss should be doing, and "isn't that what you think you are?" To which Edgar replied "I don't need your tharcasm!" You know, these two should just make out already. Hey, random aside: remember last year when Chloe turned out to have a baby under her desk? Man, that was ridiculous.
With the Behrooz trade impending, Division sent in a new bureaucrat to aid Michelle. His name was Bill Buchanan, and surely he exists solely to be the next great CTU asshole. Clearly Michelle couldn't be the sole authority figure in the office. We have to like her. Personally, I think they should bring back Driscoll. Alberta Watson seemed to be the only actor willing to make the CTU bureaucrat NOT a ridiculous caricature. Well, Xander Berkley's Mason from the first two seasons was pretty good too. Anyway, CTU made an official decision to trade Behrooz for Jack -- with any luck, the boy will lead them to Marwan, they rationalized. Methinks not.
As for Jack, he was futzing around with wires in his holding cell. A few guards came in to load him up in a van, but as usual, he kicked viciously and managed to take them all down. Unfortunately, more guards came and ended his little kicking spree, but hey, it was a good try, Jack. Not all was lost though. As Jack was dragged out of the room, we saw that a few wires in the wall had been cut. Oh, what tricky antics was Jack up to now??
Hey, remember Meg? Well, turns out there's a reason why she's working in the CTU basement. She's an idiot. She went through the LAPD records and found the flagged military homicides, but when Edgar told her to bring the report up to him, she copied the files onto an unlabeled CD. Bitch, use a Sharpie! To make matters worse, our techie ingenue left the CD on top of Edgar's gigantic stack of other blank discs. It's just begging to get lost. Way to go, MEG.
As the swap approached, Curtis needed to prep Behrooz. This was done by implanting two tracking devices under Behrooz's skin. Yowsahs! "Does my mother know about this?" Behrooz asked.
"Yes," replied Curtis stone-faced, adding "Well, she's going to be with us. I mean that spiritually. She's dead." Actually, Curtis didn't say that, but it didn't really matter. Behrooz was about to have the adventure of a lifetime. Once again, Habib called CTU via Edgar ("Hello, Thee-TU") and announced that he wanted to do the exchange on top of a dam. Moments later, Curtis and Behrooz were in a van driving to the "exposure point". You know, Curtis's steely facade and Behrooz's scared innocence really mesh well. I'd like to see them on their own spin-off show, driving around the country and making wrongs right. It would be like Walker Texas Ranger meets Highway to Heaven. I think.
Anyway, somewhere around here Marwan's cellphone rang, and I couldn't help noticing his extremely cheery, effeminate ringtone. Is he like a Jamster fanatic? Does he have a cellphone wallpaper that's like Sprewell rims spinning ("Bling Bling Rims", if you will)? I half expected Habib to turn to a henchman and say "You like this ringtone? It's Omarion's latest single. I believe it's called 'O'. It's quite catchy. Anyway, I got to take this. Terrorist stuff."
After much hype, the exchange finally took place, despite the fact that Behrooz felt scared. Just when the ragamuffin was in the terrorists hands, a sniper took aim at Jack, ready to take him out. Then suddenly, a CTU gunman shot out and saved Jack! Wow! A CTU security detail that actually provides security! We knew those perimeters would work someday!
Unfortunately for Behrooz, the terrorists found the tracking devices on him in about, oh, ten seconds (great plan, CTU. Whose came up with that idea anyway? MEG?). His captors told Behrooz his mom was dead and about two seconds later shoved a knife into the back of his neck. Don't worry though. They were only scraping out a tracking device. Our puffy haired kiddo was still alive. The bad news out of all this though was that Marwan managed to successfully distract CTU away from the LAPD report, which, despite a few moments of hope, were sadly ignored by Edgar. This meant that as we approached the cliffhanger, Mitch Anderson was able to board his bomber and prepare for takeoff. The good news though is that those wires Jack cut helped CTU find Marwan's location. Oh, but will he still be there? Those terrorists are quite wily! Next week Fox says a twist will happen so big, IT WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING. I'm putting my money on Mitch Anderson taking down the Prez. After all, if 24 is willing to knock off an Academy Award nominated actress, surely they'll have no problem doing away with a guy whose previous track record includes That ’80s Show and Unhappily Ever After, a show that had him talking to a puppet voiced by Bobcat Goldthwait.
What do you think? Is it curtains for Behrooz?
The Bachelor: No Rules
[Providing coverage of The Bachelor this season is jadedbitch.]
I was very gunshy about watching another season of the Bachelor/Bachelorette series after the last catastrophe known as Jen Schefft. However, I was persuaded by friends to tune in to Monday night's premiere, when the fledgling program decided to enlist the help of fledgling actor Charlie O'Connell to help inject some life into its already six feet under franchise. Or perhaps it was the other way around? For those who don't already know, this round of The Bachelor stars the younger brother of actor Jerry O'Connell.
Some of Jerry's credits include: Stand By Me, the TV show My Secret Identity, Jerry Maguire, Tomcats, and who can forget the Fox series Sliders? Yeah, he's kinda b-list, but then what does that make Charlie? C-list? D? E? F? Some of Charlie's credits include: ....er,...we'll get back to this.
The gaggle of girls poised to throw themselves at the bachelor include Kara (a 26 yo MILF!), Kindle, not to be confused with kindling, Krisily, not to be confused with... prissily, Kristina, not to be confused with Kristine, Kristine, not to be confused with Kristina, Kyshwan, she's one of the only non-white folk on the show so there's no reason for you to confuse her with anyone, and last but not least in the KKK category, Kimberly, a bit of a hooch who hails from none other than Edmonton, Alberta, CANADA! Alright, Edmonton, representin! (Yes, I'm Canadian.)
But wait, what's this? Another Edmontonian on the show? WTF! This Jenny ain't from the block, nay, she too is from Edmonton! For the Canada illiterates, Edmonton is located in the province (we don't have states) of Alberta, which is right next to British Columbia, which is... oh never mind. Edmonton is a bit of a hole and its only claim to fame is this gigantic mall aptly named the West Edmonton Mall, and it boasts a water park, a theme park, and multiple outlets of the same store. Other than that, the city is known for its amazingly long and cold winters. Even Jenny slags it in her bio by saying the reason she can't meet a man is cause she lives in Edmonton!
Other girls on parade include Brenda who describes herself as foxy, but comes off more as boxy and Sarah B., the resident Bible-thumper. Yay, religion! Another Canadian infiltrating the scene is Debby from Thornhill, Ontario. Even I don't know where that is. What's with all these smalltown Canadian girls making it onto national American television? We then have Gina Marie, who is not to be confused with Teena Marie, though I bet the two of them could whip out a great rendition of Lovergirl. "I just want to be your lovergurrrrl!" If that won't win the Bachelor's heart, then I don't know what will.
They're trying to spice things up this season. Twist #1 is that there are no limos and no dressy gowns ˆ the Bachelor wants to meet the girls as is, therefore we shall wake them all up at 8:30am and give them a mere five minutes to get ready! Wow, this show is crazy! Some of those girls haven't even unplugged their vibrators yet! What will they think of next?
We were treated to scenes of the ladies getting dressed, brushing their teeth, and then running down the halls of the hotel to get to the big meeting room in time. One girl put on her bikini before doing her 5 minute sprint, while others barely had time to put on their underwear! I personally liked the girl who admitted to not having showered the day before! Yay to no showering!! "I don't run for men," uttered Danushka, the fashion model from LA, who strolled down the halls in her heels and shades. Show her a vial of cocaine however, and she's doing a marathon!
The girls all met host Chris Harrison who told them to expect the unexpected and that this season will be totally different from any other. You mean it might actually be good? Cut to a home video of Charlie talking about why he's doing the Bachelor and oh, meet my semi-famous brother that I LIVE WITH. WTF!?
After the video montage, Charlie comes out to meet the gals, who all sigh and swoon over him. I actually don't find him that good looking or great. How do they pick these women to make sure they would actually like him? Oh right, they all checked off "Desperate" on the application form.
We were then treated to a session of speed dating. No, it's not where you both do a hit of speed and then go have sex. Speed dating is when the girls had two minutes each to talk to Charlie and to try to make a good impression. Oh, and did we mention that two roses were up for grabs, ensuring the recipients' safety? Let the parade of pussy begin!
Anitra was the first to arrive, starting the two minute affair by announcing she hadn't showered yet. Great. That'll get you a rose. (Insert Napoleon Dynamite going, "God! Idiot!" here.) More girls filed in but it was good ol' Kimberley from Edmonton who sat on his lap with her shirt open and cans popping out. They played a cheesy game of Santa and Mrs. Claus and then time was up before he could even unwrap his candy cane for her to lick. Siomara arrived and the two spent most of the time trying to get Charlie to pronounce her name correctly. This was followed by an impromptu Spanish lesson to which Charlie looked at her and said, "Hola." He then continued with, "Burrito? Taco? Chimmichanga?"
The first rose was given to Sarah W. who showed off her rollerblading scar and spider bites to win his heart. With that hairdo, she reminds me of Hilary Duff's older sister. You know, the one who sang that song with her for that movie. That one. Kristine tried to get a rose by stripping down to her bikini and then sitting down and reading him a poem that went something like this:
Who are you Mr Bachelor? I want to meet you. My heart beats with anticipation. Why must we be kept isolated? Adventure, intimacy, beauty. Are you ready?
Moving on. Geitan sauntered in clucking like a chicken, something she picked up from a farm in Northern Alberta. Whoa, Big Ups to Alberta! The two then engaged in an odd contest revolving around monkey noises. Bible thumper Sarah B. showed up to give him a lahmaze lesson with the two shouting out, "Push! Push!" I'm sure Sarah B. had never said that to a man before.
Rose No. 2 was delivered to 32 year old Kerry, who wowed him with stories about riding horses on a farm and watersports. That's sailing, not pee play.
Host Chris Harrison arrived to inform Charlie about the second Twist - he had to get rid of 5 girls immediately. Sent packing were Kristina, Heather, boxy Brenda, Thornhill Ontario's Debby, and Katie. It was nice to see that the "Don't nix the minority in the first episode" clause was still alive and kicking in the ABC contract, as Kyshwan (not to be confused with Szechuan) managed to escape getting cut.
The women who were left made their way to their home in New York, only to discover they had to share a giant room stacked with bunk beds. Top Model this is not. Where was Tyra and her multi-theme-roomed lofts when you needed her?
It was group date time! There was to be three of them, and on each date only a certain number of girls could attend, and Charlie had two roses to give out during each group session. It was up to the girls to decide who would go on what date. Hmm, leaving it up to a roomful of bitches to decide in a civil manner who would get to go on a date with the Bachelor? That'll happen. Oh and did we mention that the rules are: there are no rules? Bring it!
The first date was at a local pool hall, and five girls were chosen to go. However, crafty Kindle had other plans up her skirt. She rushed downstairs before anyone else and greeted Charlie at the door, therefore managing to get herself invited on the date. This bumped Carrie off the date, who wasn't as bitchy or mad as I would be if this happened to me.
At the poolhall, Charlie managed to enforce the fact that white men can't dance. That is, straight white men who still live with their B-list actor brothers. Kindle managed to snag a rose, which will no doubt miff Carrie once they return home. Surprisingly, she took it well once again and instead, looked forward to going on the second group date with Charlie, which was that evening at a local club.
"A lot of them are easy on the eyes," Charlie told the camera, paused, and then continued with, "A lot of them aren't easy on the ears." Not sure who he was talking about, but it might've been model/secret agent/bad poet bikini girl Kristine.
Back at the house things were a brewin' when discussion turned to how Siomara chose people to go on the second group date. She had been the one to answer the phone when Charlie called, so she took it upon herself to choose who got to go on the date. Apparently, Siomara had told Gina Marie she would be chosen to go on the date but in the end, wasn't. The rest of the girls fed Gina Marie some wine and then encouraged her to go and crash the second group date! Cody from Survivor then appeared in the corner of the screen shouting, "You go girl!"
Gina Marie arrived at the club much to the girls' chagrin. Krisily didn't mind so much since she had earned herself a rose earlier in the date by offering up her body as Charlie's personal drinking platform. Watch out Krisily, the rose might be prickly. Charlie then did a little speech to the camera about how he had more girls than Hugh Hefner, but all I could make out was some drunken mumbling. We cut back to the club where Geitan was singled out for not having her five minutes alone with Charlie yet. This sent Geitan spiraling into a nervous breakdown as she proclaimed that she wanted to leave and remove herself from the show. "This isn't me," she said. "I want to leave while I still have my dignity." Dignity, you say? I think clucking like a chicken and having a monkey call contest had already pushed you way over that dignity line, Geitan. She then proceeded to burst into tears in front of everyone about how uncomfortable the whole situation was and rambled about not wanting to offend anyone, blah blah blah. Dignity indeed.
Volleyball and rock climbing set the scene for the third group date. This meant a lot of bouncing balls and I ain't talking about the volleyball game. Kimberly, what did they feed you up in Alberta? Must've been that Grade A Canadian beef! Whatever it is, it definitely earned her a rose. The other Miss Edmonton, Jenny, also got a rose during the date. He said it was the most easy going conversation he's had yet. Ooh I hope both these girls make it to the end as I'm salivating at the thought of a home visit to Deadmonton!
The rose ceremony brought about Twist # 3 with the girls being able to speak their mind to Charlie and to each other. But before they could get to that, there was one more surprise. With deluded dignity intact, Geitan had decided to return to the program! You can't do that! Quit and then come back? What do you think this is, The Apprentice?
She returned and explained that she felt uncomfortable at the club during the date, and that it was sleazy and trashy. The girls fought back and defended their provocative dancing, saying it wasn't trashy and that they believed Geitan left because she knew she wouldn't get a rose. Sarah B. then piped up to try and shed her Christ-loving image by proclaiming that she loves to go out and have a good time.
The claws came out even further when Danushka asked Charlie point blank if Krisily got the rose because of the body shot she allowed him to lick off her. Charlie responded with a negative and called Danushka out on being a fraud for wearing sunglasses to their speed date. (Note to Danushka: Donnatella called and wants her fake accent back.) Krisily then tried to defend her barroom body shot by saying that just because she allowed it to happen, it didn't make her a bitch. Danushka replied with, "That doesn't make you a bitch. It makes you a slut." Zinger!
Receiving roses were: Sarah B., Kara, Carrie, Gina Marie (whom he called Gina Maria which sounds like some foreign STD), and Megan. Kristine, not having received a rose, turned into a blubbering mess crossed with a menacing psycho goth chick. She wanted to let Charlie know she'd still be thinking of him and no doubt writing more godawful poetry.
Meanwhile, Geitan continued her ride through the revolving door, as she too did not receive a rose. Who knows? Perhaps she'll come back again next week and surprise us all! And as for that "Don't nix the minority in the first episode" rule in the contract? As we're beginning to learn this season: there are no rules! How did you find the first Bachelor episosde this season?
March 29, 2005
UPDATED - If The Heart Doesn't Beat, The Worms Will Eat
1990's Court TV superstar Johnny Cochran is dead. Drudge Report is the first to report, no further news at this time.
Johnny will be long remembered as co-star of the TV show THE OJ SIMPSON TRIAL, which aired for over a year on all major networks, Court TV, Fox News and CNN.
Initial cause of death appears to be karma.
DEVELOPING...
In other News....OJ SIMPSON let out a big sigh of relief today.
UPDATE - Family Statement
The Cochran familiy released a statement revealing ..."the family of Attorney Johnnie L. Cochran, Jr. and members of The Cochran Firm are deeply saddened by the passing of Johnnie L. Cochran, Jr." This was a shocking 180 from the not terribly expected "Finally!"
March 28, 2005
Pull Your Own Weight
Sometimes, it is hard to put a finger on why you love a television show. For instance, take the case of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Inferno II. What does it have to offer that other reality shows don't have? It's not new and original characters, because the same people are recycled. It's not new and exotic locations, because they are in Mexico, the Caribbean, or some backwoods place nobody wants to be anyway. It's surely not for the competitions, because many, many shows have much more interesting stuff going on. I don't think it's the host. Dave Mirra might be able to do a 540 double tail whip, but he is no Phil or Jeff Probst. No, the thing that sets Bunim/Murray apart is the possibility that at any moment in time, any one of the people on the show will simply break down and go crazy.
Last week, a lot of shit happened to Beth. Again, she sucks, but it is really horrible to have to participate on a team when nobody else wants you around. She may not be athletically gifted, and she is the oldest, but the only reason any of her teammates want her gone is their own insecurities. As long as they all believe she is the worst player, nobody else can them the worst player. It works for everybody, doesn't it?
When faced with this type of betrayal from your own teammates, you have a few choices. One way is to sit and take it, and resign to your fate. Another way is to go down in flames, and vow to take as many people with you. This latter method is how Beth chooses to play the rest of the game, and for that, I'll have to say thank you. Since these challenges involve money, if Beth sticks around and is truly out to sabotage her own team, there is little they can do to stop her, right? It's the other team that chooses who goes in the Inferno.
Well, not quite. There is always the lifesaver. One is awarded to each team, and so if they can somehow fix the lifesaver competitions, they can always find a way to get Beth into the Inferno. Fixing missions is nothing new. I always believe that fixing these competitions is one of the worst things to happen, and always makes watching the show very obnoxious. In the last Inferno, the Road Rules team continually tried to get rid of Katie, but she was always able to come back. As much as I want Beth to mess shit up, I don't think she has much chance to go into the Inferno and come back alive like the lovely Ms. Doyle did so often.
Anyway, Beth calls out Abe about fixing the game, and he denies that there was any discussion like that. Once again, Abram can't stand up when somebody calls him out on his behavior. Although he likes to pretend he hated putting the fix in to get rid of Katie last year, he was one of the people who was really hamming it up while the Real World[that should be Road Rules team. thanks Penny] team was bailing on the competition. If he didn't like fixing the loss so badly, you would think he wouldn't have had so much fun rubbing it into Katie's face.
Our competition this week was called Run for Your Money. 10 bags filled with $1000 would be dropped from a helicopter at a predetermined interval. Some of the bags were filled with singles, some with fives, and some with twenties. The team that collected the most money would win, and the individual person on each team who collected the most money among their team would win the lifesaver.
As noted before, the Bad Asses decided to throw the mission. They wanted to get rid of Beth so badly, they all decided that they would stuff Tina with as much money as she could carry. If they got her out of the Inferno, they would simply insert Beth, and since she sucks she would lose, and their team would be happy once more. As crazy as it sounds that they had all of this money dropped on them, it was kind of a lackluster competition. People were running around and chasing after the money, but there wasn't nearly as much mayhem as I was expecting there to be. Nobody really smashed into each other, or pushed other out of the way, or tried to steal any money from them. In fact, other than the Bad Asses stuffing Tina to what looked like twice her already prominent girth, there didn't seem to be any strategy whatsoever from any team.
When Robin saw what the other team was doing for Tina, she immediately had a dejected look on her face. She really bought into this idea that the Bad Asses loved Tina so much, they didn't want to see her go. Robin wondered why her team didn't like her so much as to fix the game for her. Eventually, she told Jaime and Shavonda what was going on with the other team, and those two decided they would try and help out Robin. When Mike finds this out, he sort of complains. I think it sucks, but it is a valid strategy. Then again, you have to think what would be in it for Jaime and Shavonda. Unlike the Bad Asses, there is no consensus person who would get sent to the Inferno if Robin was saved. Jaime and Shavonda would likely get picked, and although you could argue that they would try and get rid of Jodi or Julie, why even take that chance? Because they are girls, and it sucks to hurt other people's feelings.
Man oh man, I am not sure who came up with this twist, but it was absolutely beautiful. A very small change, but a change that completely affected the game, and actually slightly penalized a player who had more money, since they would have more to count accurately. It basically smacked the Bad Asses across the face for their strategy. They thought that they could fix the game for Tina and still win, but they were wrong.
So the counting commenced. It doesn't really take that long to count money, but the teams were also supposed to bind all of the money neatly and rubber band it. It seems like a short time, but the money wasn't real, and so it was color coded, meaning that people could count by color and not denomination. Still, when you saw the huge wads of cash Tina had to go through, you knew it wasn't going to be easy, and then you have to factor in how high you think Tina can count, and well, you get the picture.
The counting requirement was great news for the Good Guys, but if Robin wanted to save herself, she was also going to have to count accurately, and she also had a lot of extra money thanks to the people helping her out. In the end, neither Robin or Tina one the life shield, having been wrong with their counting by 7 and 10 dollars. Mike won it for the Good Guys and Derrick won it for the Bad Asses. Since the Bad Asses put so much money into Tina's hands, her money didn't count towards the total. Since more of the Good Guys counted on their own, they ended up winning 881 to 619. It was also their first competition win and the first $10,000 to go into their bank account.
With all of the great schemes having failed, Robin and Tina were headed to the Inferno. As matchups go, this one seemed pretty even if you were doing a tale of the tape, but the intangibles I would have to give to Tina. She is annoying, loud, and unattractive, but if she wants to get nasty, she can get nasty. This week's Inferno challenge was called "Sack Attack". Each person would get tied into a harness. That harness was attached to a bag that was equal to half of that person's body weight. The contestants would then drag themselves along a sandy pit until they reach the edge of the Inferno cage. Once there, they had to use a key to unlock themselves from their harness. The first person to free themselves would win, sending the other person home.
Like I said before, this seemed like a pretty fair challenge. Both of these ladies aren't exactly svelte, and Robin is carrying probably 10 more pounds of boobage than somebody her size normally would. When the challenge started, it looked like Robin was going to pull ahead quickly, but then she slowed down. Tina eventually caught up, and then stormed ahead by getting low and using her hands and arms as much as her legs to get her through the deep sand. In the end, Tina destroyed Robin, who didn't even make it to the edge before she was eliminated.
Even though it was sad to see Robin go, that was not nearly the most exciting part of this week's episode. Beth and her vendetta against her team is going to be something to see. Now perhaps all of what we have seen up to this point is simply hype, and her team manages to get rid of her in the next challenge or two, but it is going to be fun to figure out. Beth has already moved on from her beef with Tonya, and called out Veronica at the end of the show. Now, I didn't think her smack talk amounted to anything that great (You've won all the time, You would sell your family up the river to win), all of the housemates heard it and let out with the "Aaawwwws" and "Daaayummms" and the "Ooooohs", so hopefully there will be more bad blood festering as the weeks progress.
Getting In The Box Can Be So Hard
Well, I've been tardy again. For some reason, I never am able to get these Survivor recaps out in a timely fashion. Thankfully, this season has been fairly predictable: Ulong starts off sad, gets their hopes up, loses immunity, and sends someone home. So even if my recaps are a bit late, chances are you can figure out what happened without having read or seen anything. The good news is that while this season's certainly been lacking in the scheming department, the characters have been colorful and Jeff Probst has been particularly ornery. That's got to count for something.
This week's episode began with what else? A crab scampering in the dark. What pray tell was this busy little crustacean up to? By the looks of it, he seemed to be transporting a rock, a symbolic action that represented the ever toiling Ulong Tribe as it returned to camp dejected and weary. In the previous episode, Ulong had to sit through three different votes: one to grant immunity (that went to Ibrehem, or "Ib"), one to kick of a tribe member (that was a draw), and one to serve as a tiebreaker (bye, Angie!).
"That may have been the craziest Tribal Council I've ever been to," said Ibrehem, adding "I actually had to speak! What's up with that? Shit, I've already said too much for today." Ibrehem then pursed his lips and refused to answer any more of the producers' questions.
With the Ulong tribe down to four people, it was time to adopt a new strategy. Luckily, Stephenie had a plan. "Not only do we need to have great listening skills," she started, before being rudely interrupted.
"Yeah, everybody needs to listen," interjected James, clearly not listening to Stephenie.
But she battled on, trying to make her point heard: "I mean—"
"Keep your ears open and listen to your teammate!" advised James. Okay, this whole "listening" thing is probably not going to work out. The key is when you want to "hear" what your teammate has to say, you've got to actually "shut up" for a second and let her "finish" her sentence.
By now though we should know that James, while colorful, is also sort of an idiot. Plus his nose has become more triangular with each passing episode. Anyway, he immediately bashed Ibrehem, telling the gentle giant that he was supposed to go, not Angie. Luckily, Bobby Jon had Ib's back. "We didn't win the beef stew. Whatever," he moaned, noting that the game was more than some crappy bowl of chum. Bobby then caught a minnow with his giant fishing spear and then sighed, "Yeah, that beef stew probably would have been nice."
The next morning, we were treated to a random montage of Ibrehem praying. A closeup of a tattoo revealed that he was Muslim, but interestingly enough, CBS was sure to not actually spell it out, lest Middle America revolt and switch over to Joey. Yes, there's no telling how all the Toby Keith fans would react when discovering that the most soft-spoken cast member of the season believes in Islam. I mean, that's crazy talk! What are they trying to do? Debunk stereotypes???
Nevertheless, we'd already spent too much time with the losers at Ulong. It was time to move on to Koror, but we had a feeling all was not well on Home Depot beach. A wayward bird snatching a fish from the surf suggested that maybe, just maybe, it was time for Koror to crumble. Or at least go fishing. Drama at the tribe, however, was mild to indiscernible. However, there were some grumblings about Katie, as usual. While everyone was out gathering wood, fetching water, or helping the camp in general, our resident whiner sat by the picnic table and made necklaces. "Today was craft day," announced Coby in an interview, quickly revising his statement to only apply to Katie. Ah yes, could this finally be judgment day for Katie?
While there may not have been a lot of drama at Koror, there at least was some comedy. Puppet comedy, to be specific. Coby, fresh from bashing his lazy teammate, allied with Katie to put on a sock puppet show which probably wouldn't have amused anyone normally, but hey, when you're stuck without a TV, anything will suffice. Amazingly, Katie pulled of a funny as she screetched, "I'm Bobby Jon. I love everyone. I look like Jesus Christ." Okay, that was pretty good. Katie gets ten seconds of appreciation. [pause] Okay, now we can hate her again.
By the way, now that about five minutes have passed on the show, has anyone noticed how much weight these people have lost? Yes, this is officially the "skinny episode" — the installment when you take a step back and notice how thin these survivors have become. Coby, Stephenie, Tom, and Ibrehem all seem to have shed quite a good amount of weight. In other news, Kirstie Alley has applied for next season of Survivor.
I wonder who's been hoarding all the food at Koror...
Anyway, at Koror, Katie finally got off her ass and fetched the tree mail. She returned to camp happy and annoying. "Guess what's on the tree mail?" she asked with grating perkiness. She continued: "It starts with a 'P' and ends with a 'ul'!" Everyone at the camp merely stared blankly at this odd hybrid of the Early Bird and Grimace, hoping she'd maybe die in the next ten seconds.
"PRINGLE!" Katie yelled, happily solving the tricky riddle she had put forth. There were polite smiles all around as everyone sighed, "Pringle. Oh..." I half expected Caryn to muttering "I'll Pringle you, you dumb, lazy, no good..." Turns out the random presence of this most delectable chip was a precursor to the reward challenge which promised the winning team a snack of Pringles followed by a snorkeling adventure in a lake of benign jellyfish. Yes, that's just the way I'd want to spend the afternoon: chips and jellyfish (that incidentally was the title of the episode).
Probst called both teams into the challenge area and revealed that Angie had been voted off. Clever Mark Burnett then cut to Coby shrugging off the news about his former ally. The first inklings of an anti-Coby portrayal? We shall see. Nevertheless, in the challenge, members from each tribe had to shoot an old gun at various hanging tiles. The first tribe to take out all the other team's tiles would win. It was a fairly standard mission, but for some reason it was so damn exciting. Maybe that's because in the end, it came down to a sudden death situation. Yeah, actually, that's entirely what it was. Amazingly, Ulong managed to win the whole shebang, thanks to Stephenie. "Pretty good with that gun!" said Probst, adding "Now wanna try this one?" Jeff then dropped his pants and pointed to his groin. "Julie doesn't have to know," he purred seductively. Actually, that didn't happen, but Stephenie did rock the challenge. It should be noted that James managed to not hit a single tile, making that about seven challenges where he's failed completely.
After the challenge was over, Ulong boarded some outriggers and paddled out to a Japanese boat where they each received their own can of Pringles. But these weren't just any Pringles. These were those nifty Survivor Trivia Pringles! The foursome sat around and quizzed themselves with the various questions. Things became awkward though when Stephenie pulled out a chip and asked "Which tribe has lost the most immunities in a row, therefore cementing its reputation as the most pathetic team in franchise history?" Wow, who would have thought Pringles would be so on top of this season's trivia?
Next Ulong journeyed up to a lake whose reigning population was thousands of jellyfish who have lost their necessity and ability to sting. As we watched the Survivors swim amongst the invertebrate flotsam, I couldn't help taking a moment to reflect. Not on life. But on Survivor. Ulong is pretty pathetic, but I have to admit, I totally back the lack of merge. I mean, think about it. With all these Ulong losses, the only thing that's happened at Koror is that they've become tighter. Without Tribal Councils, there's been no need to plant the seed of discontent. Truthfully, there's little to no chance that any of these Ulong people can break up those bonds, or at least enough of them to make it to the end. Therefore, if there were a merge, we'd have to sit through three or four boring episodes while we watch the remaining Ulong-ites get voted off. Without the merge though, we spend the episode wondering if maybe, just maybe, Ulong will be able to pull it out. Of course, they haven't been able to so far, but at least when it comes to voting, it's all finger pointing and chaos. So with that being said, I say bravo, Burnett. Way to keep this predictable season interesting. Are they done with the jellyfish yet?
Back at Koror, a nasty windstorm made sleeping a nightmare. No pun intended. Seriously. The next morning, Janu's mental health seemed to have been blown out to see overnight as she sunk into the hammock and cried. Tom tried to reassure her that she could make it through the Survivor experience, but our favorite showgirl/tree climber had little faith. "I don't have the strength," she cried, adding "Literally, I have no muscle left. I can barely use my tongue. And I'm losing that too. Wait. Waii. Yuh. I cahn't mohe wuh. Aw ow wuh uh uuuh." Tom then slapped her and dumped her out of the hammock.
Meanwhile, at Ulong, the tribe received their next piece of tree mail which happened to be a large trunk and some rope. Turns out this space saver chest, as its known on The Apprentice, held Koror's flag. Teams basically had to use the provided rope to fortify their footlockers with a series of knots. James immediately alerted his tribe that Koror would absolutely not be getting into the trunk. He was going to use a Navy knot that gets tighter and tighter the more you pull on it. News flash for James: the more you pull on any knot, the tighter it gets. Anyway, Ulong took James' lead and made the special knot. I'm sure they'll test it though to make sure this magical knot actually works. No? Okay, well, I'm sure they won't have any problems, especially after Steph tells us "I think we're gonna win!"
At the challenge, both teams arrived with their knotted up trunks. Probst told them they'd have twenty additional minutes to swim out to see and fetch three bundles of wood to further fortify the trunk. After the time was up, teams would switch sides and begin the task of getting into their trunks and retrieving their flags. Jeff started the challenge, and immediately, Koror sent three people out to the water. One person, meanwhile, stayed back and added more knots to the chest. Things at Ulong were a little different though. Stephenie and Bobby Jon swam out while Ibrehem waded halfway to the wood. I guess the plan was to pass the wood to him and then he'd take it to the chest while Steph and BJ swim out for more. It wasn't the most efficient, but whatever. James, meanwhile, stood by the chest and spent minute after minute trying to alter his toga. YOU IDIOT. Tie more knots!
Well, even though only two people from Ulong swam all the way out in the water, they still managed to get a good lead on Koror, building a massive woodpile very quickly. Meanwhile, we received quiet play-by-play from Coby who sat on the sidelines and said things like "This is so nerve-wrecking." He should be present for every challenge. Maybe his face just shows up in a bubble in the corner of the screen as we listen to his color commentary. Hell, it doesn't have to be Survivor only. Stick him on the Amazing Race. Or Big Brother. Or heck, Monday Night Football. It would just be amusing, dammit.
Anyway, things seemed to be going Ulong's way for once. The teams switched sides, and Koror faced immediate setbacks pulling apart their woodpile, allowing their chronically suffering opponents to take a significant lead. All seemed to be going well for Ulong as they cleared the wood away and attacked the knots. Unfortunately, Koror had managed to safeguard their box by, you know, tying extra knots instead of tending to their clothing. This meant that Ian, Janu, Jen, and Katie soon caught up, and before we knew it, both teams were unravelling the rope. Unfortunately, James's super-knot turned out to be as resilient as a bowl of spaghetti and within minutes, Koror was able to surpass their competition easily. Sure enough, Ulong lost the immunity, all thanks to James's lame ass knot. Who would have thought?
Back at camp, despite his terrible performance track record, James felt pretty sure that he was safe. "Bobby Jon won't vote for me," he told Stephenie. Of course, we all know what happens to people with such large amounts of hubris (they tend to get voted off. But who knows? Maybe this time will be different). Turns out Bobby Jon was planning on voting off James, simply because he thought James had voted for him in the previous Tribal Council. Granted, he had no hard evidence, but Bobby Jon did bring up a salient point: whoever wrote his name down, "it was male handwriting." Somebody call CSI! We've got a new detective!
Actually, that male handwriting was none other than Stephenie's (does that make her a lesbian now?). She had voted for Bobby J, but knowing that he was out for revenge, she wasn't going to volunteer that information. Instead, she lied and said she had voted for Angie. Bobby Jon believed it and brokered a deal with his masculine-scrawl buddy. If they vote off James this week, next week, they'll take out Ibrehem. Unfortunately for James, he had no idea this scheming was taking place. For all he knew, it was goodbye Ibrehem. "Ibrehem's outstayed his welcome," noted James. "He was meant to go last time, and by the grace of Allah he didn't go. Well, my god says he is today!" How charming. Bringing the guy's religious background into it. Gotta love the "us vs. them" mentality. It's really so helpful in keeping this world full of the idiotic dipshits we so love.
I tend to think Jeff Probst overheard this comment in the dailies because he was not happy with James at Tribal Council. "I'll tell you what," said James as he prepared to launch into some monologue.
"Tell me something!" snapped Probst, clearly lacking any respect for the resident hillbilly. Probst then lambasted the entire tribe for its weak performance, mocking Ibrehem's lazy performance during the immunity challenge. Probst then returned his rage onto James, saying "You sat back messin' with your skirt!" I don't really know why Jeff is so mad, but I did enjoy the emasculating use of "skirt". Probst then asked Bobby Jon if he trusted his tribe.
"If you can't trust 'em, you shouldn't be in a tribe with 'em. You can't have a tribe if you don't trust people," he said, adding "Tribes of trust are for people who trust tribes, and if you can't trust people in tribes, then tribes are trusts and not trust for people. Tribes tribes tribes trust people tribes trust."
When Bobby Jon was finished creating his very own proverb, the group finally wrote down their votes, and surprise surprise, it was a tie. Two votes for James; two votes for Ibrehem. Ah yes. Our second tied Tribal Council in a row. That always makes me happy. However, the gridlock soon ended as Stephenie flipped her vote and sent James home. Later, in the exit-interview, James complained, "It wasn't my time to go." Oh yeah? Where's your god now, country boy??? James then resigned to say, "My gut failed me." Again. Let's not forget the other times your gut failed you: you know, like every other EPISODE. James, here's a tip. Do like Homer Simpson. Whenever your gut tells you something, do the exact opposite. That might start with taking down the Confederate flag.
March 27, 2005
Best Tournament Ever
I am sorry that I have not been very good with the tournament updates. After my favorite college team, Syracuse, lost in the first round, I partially lost interest in all my brackets (largely because I had them winning in almost all of them). When my alma mater, Dartmouth, lost in the first round of the Women's tournament, what was there left for me to watch? Well, just a ton of good basketball.
I think college sports comprise some of the greatest events in the country. I love college basketball, and especially the NCAA tournament. So when my team lost, I start rooting for the underdog, and the underdog did a lot of good things this year. Syracuse - gone. Kansas - gone. And that was just in the first couple of days. UCONN - gone. Wake Forest - gone. That was all just the first weekend.
This year the tournament has had many close games, and many overtimes. I thought I had as much excitement as I could take in one day when West Virginia and Wake took three overtimes, and then I dug in for this weekend's games. Oklahoma State and Arizona, Michigan State and Duke, North Carolina and Villanova. Could it seriously get any better?
Of course it could. Of the the games played to decide who would go from the Elite Eight to the Final Four, three of them went to overtime (one a double over time). One team came back from twenty points down, and another team came back from 14 down with four minutes left. Was the shot by Patrick Sparks to send Kentucky and MSU into overtime completely ridiculous or what (and by ridiculous, I mean ridiculously exciting)?
Hopefully next weekend's games will be just as enjoyable. A mini-update on the TVgasm Yahoo Tournament bracket comes after the jump.
Although my picks were quite weak (I was too sentimental with Syracuse, too quick to love the Big East, and too quick to hate the Pac-10), there have been a lot of people with fairly good picks out there. Here are the Million Dollar Gasm Top 10
| Rank | Team Name | Points |
| 1 | ToroB21 | 84 |
| 2 | pwnt | 72 |
| 3 | SamtheDog | 70 |
| 4 | Herky Jerk | 68 |
| 4 | ProphetsOfRage | 68 |
| 6 | Keady's Combovers | 66 |
| 6 | State School WHAT | 66 |
| 8 | doctor dan's picks | 64 |
| 8 | Notorious LKC | 64 |
| 8 | ProMiniGolfer | 64 |
A lot of great basketball, a lot of great upsets. Amazing Race isn't going to be in the way of the championship game, so you have no excuse not to watch.
Newport Living is Quite Revealing
Last week was a tipping point of sorts for The OC this season. Perhaps all of the fans and critics had nothing to do with dragging the show out of the quagmire of lesbian rating stunts, but whatever realization the writers came to about where the season was headed, they seemed to have salvaged the show from spiraling into a "it sucks, but it's on Fox, so it will last seven seasons" type of mediocrity. Maybe I am a little too optimistic after just one week, but here's to hoping the good episodes are a trend and not an anomaly.
By now we know that the Cohens aren't big on cooking. The only time anybody in the house has anything other than a bagel for breakfast, is one somebody is trying to bribe somebody, usually with pancakes, for some sort of error they had made. The Kirsten and the Sandy don't even pretend that they have any skill at cooking. Other than some pathetic attempts at Thanksgiving and some red meat on the grill every now and then, dinner is usually phoned in at the Cohens. Just because they aren't the Cleavers doesn't mean that Sandy doesn't enjoy a family meal every now and then. He has been busy with felons and porn movies, his wife has been busy with a magazine, his son has been busy with his girlfriend, and Ryan has been, uh, well being so self-righteous is like a full-time job in itself.
As determined as Sandy is with keeping the family together for dinner, it is sort of surprise when we see him answer the phone, and then let the person on the other side talk to Ryan. Seth is just about to go onto a long rant about why his dad would let Ryan talk on the phone, but we sense something is wrong. Ryan comes back to the table with a sullen and distant look on his face, and this is more sullen and distant than normal. He looks downright upset. What could it be? His pregnant girlfriend calling? "Oh, I had the baby BTW. Laters. Bye." Perhaps it was Lindsay "Uh, so this Chicago thing kind of sucks, plus I think I am pregnant. Tell Seth he's a father."
Those scenarios, while humorous, paled in comparison to the actual situation. Lest we forget, Ryan came to the Cohen household because the benevolent Sandy pulled him out of juvenile detention. Ryan was there for, among other things, stealing cars, but he didn't do it alone. His accomplice was his older brother Trey, and since Trey was over 18, Trey went to jail. After 18 months or so in the big house, it was time to go, and so Trey called Ryan to come pick him up the next day.
Even though the last time Trey asked Ryan to meet him in jail, he asked Ryan to steal a car. Ryan agreed to the plan to save his brother from getting beat up, but in the process Ryan almost took a beating himself. He was with Marissa at the time, and she had to save him by playing get away driver. With that in mind, Ryan woke up the next morning, put on his Chino gear (black jeans, white t-shirt, grey hoodie) and went to pick up Trey. Seth even offered to go with Ryan, saying seeing the prison might "scare him straight". You may be scared of prison Seth, but we know nothing is going to keep you apart from Ryan. Nevertheless, Sandy decided to go with Ryan, and Seth was forced to go to school.
Ah, Harbor. I'm sorry, but when we have episodes where the students actually pretend they go to school, it is much more entertaining. Teenagers often come across difficult situations, but they rarely act so middle-aged with everything they do. That's they way I felt with this show for much of the season, but a lot of that has passed. Summer and Marissa are talking about life, Ryan, and Seth, and I have to take a moment to talk about what they were wearing. Earlier this season, they were trying some nouveau Gatsby style, then moved on to Cockney chimney sweep couture, tried a little bit of crocheted shabby chic, and now they have tried a little hippie on for size. And just like the the 60s, it looked like Marissa had burned her bra. I might have been a little bit more distracted by her bouncing jubblies if some topless photos of Mischa Barton hadn't turned up this week. I speculated before that Mischa might have been working on some hips and curves, but these more recent pictures tell me she is back on the rigorous cigarette/coffee/laxative diet to keep those hot ribs in full view. And those shoulder blades, they just scream "Do me!", don't they?
Anyway, Marissa and Summer are discussing Ryan and his brother when Zach comes motoring in on his vespa. Water polo, no sex with women, vespa. No giveaway there. Zach has returned from Italy, and even though Summer left him at the altar, or check in counter as the case may be, he seems totally fine with seeing her. He's not pissed, and he even says he has a bunch of pictures to show her. As he goes to class, Summer also thinks that his spirits are kind of high for the way she treated him, and decides "He must be hiding something." Well, no kidding.
Later that day Zach runs into Seth, who is probably waiting for a punch in the face, but Zach is also extremely cool with him. He says that he knew Seth and Summer were made for each other, and that it didn't matter anyway. He met a nice, tall, blonde, italian piece of ass named Francesca while in Tuscany. Way to go Zach! Whenever a girl breaks your heart, you search for the rebound. And if your rebound is named Francesca, that's not bad at all. Now, most people, having found a hot replacement named Francesca, would be flaunting it to the ex who had broken your heart. Not Zach, he is not vindictive. He tells Seth not to tell Summer, because he doesn't want to make her feel bad. He just needs Seth to keep a secret. Oh, now that's a funny concept.
Have you ever thought the type of thing you say to a sibling after they leave prison? I think it would be awkward, even if you were still poor and living in Chino. Having moved to Newport and living in a pool house, things just don't seem the same. Do you start out with some humor "So, that soap on a rope. Not bad stuff, huh?" or "I worried about my swing in golf, but I bet you really hate shanks." (I'm here all week folks.) No, Ryan decided to go with the handshake. That wasn't enough for Trey, however. He took his brother's hand and gave him a big hug.
Last time we saw Trey, he was bitter and kind of an asshole. I mean, he was in prison, but can you blame your brother if he tried to pull himself out of poverty. This time, Trey seemed like a whole new man, which makes sense, since Trey was played by a whole new actor. He was polite and just happy to see his brother. He was happy to see Sandy, and he was happy to have lunch with both of them.
Ryan is always worried when anybody from Chino tries to mess up with his happy Newport life, Trey included. But when they were dropping Trey off at some random house, and there was nobody inside, he decided to warm up a little bit. Sandy already mentioned that it would be OK for Trey to live with them, and so they take him back to Newport. And just like the last time somebody from Chino moved in with the Cohens, he gets the pool house.
Sandy sort of save Julie Cooper last week by making a deal for her porn tape, but she still needed to come up with the money. Kirsten has been busy with Carter and the magazine. So when Julie comes in and says that maybe she isn't so sure about Newport Living, Kirsten is wondering what was going on. Julie comes clean once again with Kirsten about her naked mistake. And let's be honest, there is only so much ramen a girl can eat with a sick mother. She didn't know her boyfriend was going to take the fake video and publish it. (Actually, they say he threatened to publish it, but it was never released, but I don't think that he would have put so much effort into making a box cover if he hadn't published it. And if he had made the box cover recently, he would have made a DVD. There is no way to get all the copies of this thing, so paying him off is worthless.) Kirsten doesn't say much other than she is going to have to tell Caleb.
With her back against the wall, the Julie is forced to ask Caleb for some help. Their relationship has been sort of icy since the whole Lindsay thing has come up, so she decides to bring it up during lunch. If there is anyway to take away the surprise of a shocking bit of information, one way is to nonchalantly mention it between two other innocuous items. Sort of a casual mention. Julie worked in her porn history in between a request to fire the gardener and another request for some new lawn furniture. Surprisingly, Caleb was cool with it. He said the price was worth it to save her dignity. He just had to check with his financial advisor.
I always love it when Caleb has something to do. He always messes it up. I also love all of his shady business relationships that he has. I was sort of surprised that he would actually pay Lance. He showed up at Lance's hotel with the money, then asked for the tape. Lance handed it over, and Caleb proceeded to let two of his associates in the room. These associates were obviously paid muscle, and so Caleb not only had the tape, he took his money back. As he left, his two thugs drew the shades, likely about to give Lance quite the work over. The most interesting part of the whole exchange was that Caleb said he already knew about the porn, as he had private investigators on his staff. I do love when Caleb is shady.
Seth gets home from school, and right away he wants to get some dirt on Trey. He walks into the pool house and asks Ryan if his brother had changed. You know "found Jesus, chinese tattoos, shaved head"? The great part about this was that Ryan was not in the pool house, it was Trey. This really surprised Seth, and really surprised Trey, although Ryan had filled him in about Seth's loquacious habits. For his part, Seth was impressed by the monosyllabic nature that runs in the Atwood family. Ryan comes in just in time to save Seth, and Sandy gives Trey some money to go shopping for some new clothes.
If you are an ex-con, and you want to go shopping, where do you go? I know that this is Newport, but do you go to Ben Sherman? Ben Sherman is trendy(compared to Brooks Brothers), but is that the first thing on your mind when you get out of the joint? Why not go to the thrift store and pick up some of the VonDutch all of the hipsters through away last year. It may not be trendy, but if you are wearing clothes that are a couple of years old, people won't think you have been in jail that whole time. My suggestion? They should have tried Fred Segal.
Another big problem with these stores is the people who work there. They just won't cut Trey any slack. Even though he paid for everything, they insist on checking his bag. Usually when this type of thing happens, you get angry, but let them search your bag. If you write a letter or complain to the manager about the way you are treated later, you might even get some free shit. But when this happened to Trey, he not only got in the security guys' face, he dumped the contents of his bag all over the ground, and knocked over a display case. Marissa, who had joined them to help Trey pick out clothes, looked on in admiration at Trey's furniture throwing skill.
Zach is really trying not to dwell on Summer. He has a girlfriend that he can chat with, and those webcams get pretty freaky. No need to keep around any of Summer's stuff. When he takes her things over to her house, she confronts him about Francesca. I never agreed with Summer's decision to go back to her stalker, but after she made the decision, and it made her happy, what is there to argue about? Still, if Zach decides that he has to move on, especially after Summer basically strung him along for such a long time. If he decides that he is going to move on, he is not under any sort of etiquette timetable to move on after Summer.
Despite the fact that she broke up with him, Summer gets a little upset. She gathers Zach's stuff, and takes it over to his house. His mother is there, and she gives Summer that "Well, I can't talk with you about that great New Yorker cartoon" sort of look. Summer says that she is sorry for what happened, and hopes that Zach is happy with Francesca. This whole Francesca thing is a big surprise to Zach's mom. She tells summer that Zach was so broken hearted, he didn't leave the hotel the whole time. I don't know why it was such a big deal that Summer's boyfriends can't get over her, but I guess she can now take solace that she did, in fact, break Zach's heart, and he is, in fact, not over her.
Zach makes his way over to Summer's house to clear the air once and for all. He is not over her, but he thought that making up the story about Francesca would help them all move on. He said that he told Seth only because he knew it would get back to Summer. His plan worked, but it was all a lie. Summer promises that she won't tell anybody his secret.
The big launch party for Newport Living is about to get underway. Julie is right back into the heart of things. Now that she knows she won't be exposed as a porn starlet, she is back to being her old self. And she seems to have picked up on something between Carter and Kirsten. Other than the first time they met, I didn't really notice any sort of crazy sexual tension between these two. Kirsten isn't enamored with Sandy these days, but she is wearing her ring, and we are pretty sure that Rebecca is gone for good, so things have been going pretty well. Kirsten is sort of staring at Carter, and she did her best to try and avoid him and Sandy from meeting earlier, so I guess there is something there.
Carter is happy and wants to celebrate, but for once, Kirsten doesn't want to drink any wine. She says that it is unprofessional, even though they have been averaging a bottle of wine a night. (Have a mentioned how much I love it when Kirsten drinks?) Julie is loving watching Kirsten squirm and does her "Kirsten Cohen Crushes Carter" dance and the ever popular "Kirsten and Carter, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G". Kirsten ignores them both, and says that they can celebrate after the launch.
I guess one of the reasons why the Cohens never cook is because they do throw a lot of parties. The Newport living party seems to be going by without a hitch as well. Julie is there (still making gestures at Kirsten about Carter), and Caleb is happy with the work he has done. Sandy has even had a chance to meet Carter. It's soon time for the big presentation, but first Kirsten needs some chardonnay. She finds the closest waiter she finds, and picks up a glass.
There is no big deal with Kirsten drinking, but this time there was something special. The waiter was none other than Lance. He was supposed have been beaten up, but it looks like they spared his face. Now, even though I thought Caleb was smart for not giving in to Lance, you knew Lance was not stupid enough to give Caleb the only copy of the porno tape in existence. He had to have one for insurance. But what was he going to do? Get up in the middle of their on stage presentation, and flash the box around. It's not like there was some big video presentation that was going to be projected onto a big screen, giving Lance a convenient way to swap in Julie's video and embarrass her, right?
Julie is terribly ashamed, and she thinks her career is over. Caleb comforts her, and says "that's why you can't give in to these people". They'll screw you every time, won't they? Julie says she is going into her Howard Hughes phase, but Caleb says that they will just go to Europe, and by the time they get back, another scandal will have ripped through Newport, and everybody would have forgotten about her. The way Caleb handled this whole thing, I am beginning to wonder if he wasn't in on the whole thing. Lance didn't look beaten up, he surely was able to walk and move wi