From UPN's Burning Question Department:

Rape is a very serious matter and a terrible crime. That being said, why was it so unintentionally funny to hear a UPN promo boldly ask us "WHO RAPED VERONICA MARS???" Maybe it was the forwardness of the question. Maybe it was the subtle exploitation of rape for ratings. Or maybe it was the announcer whose overly dramatic gravitas seemed ripped from a Batman trailer. Either way, I think I might have to finally check this show out.

Keep Those Submissions Coming

I would once again like to thank everybody for all of the submissions for our TVgasm anniversary. From the feedback I have received, most people don't care about voting for the submissions and would simply like the TVgasm staff decide the winners by themselves. Therefore, we are going to extend the deadline for submissions until Sunday, May 8th. Remember, you may submit only once per contest, but are allowed to submit for multiple contests. That's up to five chances to win, and five chances to immortalize yourself in TVgasm history. Who could ask for anything more?

The complete list of contests is after the jump.

Miss TVgasm 2005

While we wanted to have a pageant for Miss TVgasm, the budget just didn't cut it this year. We will, however, be taking reader submissions from all the women and young ladies who feel like they deserve the prize. All we ask from you is a photograph, and small statement on the importance of being Miss TVgasm. The photos must be of you, and can be whatever you like, whether it be head shot, evening gown, bathing suit, or halloween costume. Pictures should be PG-13, and you must be 18 to enter. Send your submissions to anniversary@tvgasm.com.

Mr. TVgasm 2005

Mr. TVgasm will be a like the Miss TVgasm contest, except it is geared towards our gentleman readers. Same rules apply. Submit a photograph and a statement on the importance of the Mr. TVgasm title. Same rules apply for the photos as well. Send your submissions to anniversary@tvgasm.com.

TVgasm Couple 2005

Do you love TVgasm and enjoy television with your significant other? I added this category after seeing a most excellent submission this morning from a reader. Same rules apply as the Miss TVgasm and Mr TVgasm submissions. Send your submissions to anniversary@tvgasm.com

Most Outstanding TVgasm

Have you ever had a TVgasm? When was your first TVgasm? Where did it happen? Who was around? What TVgasm article were you reading at the time? Do you constantly experience yourself dreaming about B-side, madeyoulaugh, or J-Unit? Is there a funny moment when you were caught by your boss, husband, wife, etc,. laughing so hard and you just couldn't explain it?The Most Outstanding TVgasm award goes to the person with the best TVgasm story. This can be a true story, but if you are creative, feel free to embellish a little(or a lot). ONE SUBMISSION PER PERSON/E-MAIL ADDRESS. Send your submissions to anniversary@tvgasm.com.

Most Outstanding Display of TVgasm Love

Maybe you aren't as hot as B-side or S-lo, or as funny with the pen as madeyoulaugh. We still have a contest for you, oh sullen TVgasm reader. Do you love TVgasm so much that you just have to tell everybody about it? Do you have a shrine in your living room? Have you printed out all of the articles and kept them in a book just in case your internet goes out? Did you erect a billboard in your hometown to let everybody know how awesome TVgasm is? Perhaps you wrote a song? Maybe you tattooed TVgasm.com in three inch gothic letters on your back? This is your chance to show just how much you love TVgasm. Bonus for extra creativity in this category. Send your submissions to anniversary@tvgasm.com.

Create a TVgasm Banner

You obviously have seen the banners that we have at the top of TVgasm. You may have also noticed that we have started rotating the banners on the front page. Now is your chance to create your own TVgasm banner. We will add it to the rotation, and if you submit a custom banner for a show that doesn't have on already (like Lost, Desperate Housewives, Sports, American Idol) we may even put it at the top of that category page. To see all the shows we write about, check the archives, but feel free to create any banner you want. It only has to relate to TV. We reserve the right to use your submission on our site, although we will credit your art if it is chosen. Send your submissions to anniversary@tvgasm.com.

Who are those masked men and women?

We try to stay anonymous, and since we work in the industry, we must continue to do so. We have those South Park characters, but maybe you can do something better. Do you have a sketch, painting, notebook doodle, statue, or macaroni model that depictus one or more of the TVgasm staff? Whatever your artistic skill, send them in. We will feature your work our Team page. Send your submissions to anniversary@tvgasm.com.

TVgasm will not share your name, e-mail address, or any personal information with anybody. If you want to keep your submission anonymous by using an alias, that is OK.

Get On The Bus

Many people were upset that they missed out on the very, very painful Les Moonves special "Locusts". TVgasm did the play by play afterwards, but it's a lot better if you get a sample beforehand. With that in mind, please let us remind everybody that Rosie O'Donnell and Andie McDowell have teamed up bring us Riding the Bus With My Sister. We don't normally like to make fun of the handicapped (OK, Constantine is an exception), but seriously, this is just too easy.

The movie airs this Sunday at 9 PM. If you haven't seen a commercial for this yet, we have your little taste after the jump.

Click on the picture to play.

Ian Bathes With Another Man, Almost Gets Crabs

How's that for an incendiary headline? It's actually not very fair to this week's episode of Survivor, the first truly scheme-tastic installment of the season. Palau continues to be a masterful season, especially now as it transitions from the unbelievable decimation of Ulong to the inevitable cannibalism at Koror. The knives have finally come out, and while I had a hunch as to who would go tonight, I must admit that until the votes were read, I still wasn't absolutely positive that I would be right (but of course, I was. Mwahahaha). Nevertheless, we're heading into the final stretch now, and things at Koror are turning shady (and homoerotic). Perfect!

The episode began with - what else - a crab in the dark! Yes, the crustacean species had been quietly overlooked recently; so it was nice to see the little critter shuffling around in top form again. I wonder if the crabs all hang out together and brag about their on screen exposure: "Hey, I booked another Survivor gig this week. Yeah, apparently they really liked my whole 'stand still and then suddenly scamper' bit. They said it really flowed. So I'm going back." Wow, did I just do a crab monologue? That's pretty crazy.

Anyway, Koror returned to their Home Depot furnished beach where Stephenie vented frustration at her team mates for nearly voting her off (skanks a lot, JANU!). Like a dutiful Jersey girl, Steph ran her mouth, guilting Tom and everyone else for turning on her when they'd said that she was in their alliance. In an interview, she explained to us that she was mad and wanted to get to the bottom of all this, but at the same time "hope I don't shoot myself in the foot." Oh, surely that wouldn't happen. It's not like she's chastising her teammates. Oh wait...

Ever the gentleman, Tom decided to diffuse the situation by throwing some condescending softballs at Steph. He happily noted that he had won immunity, but at Tribal Council, Steph had been the one to actually earn it. "Somebody earned their own immunity!" he said with the patronizing tone usually reserved for parents of small children. Then Tom actually HANDED her the immunity necklace in a symbolic gesture of fake friendship. Somehow, this did manage to mollify Steph's temper, although if I were her, I'd be enraged, especially when Tom told her that after Janu's display at Tribal Council, everyone would have changed their votes anyway. Gee, thanks. The implication was still that Steph's the outsider. Unfortunately, Steph didn't seem to have the wherewithal or energy to take on the tribe's alpha-male, and simply resigned to enjoy the rest of her evening.

The next morning, however, Stephenie was still unnerved. She approached her alliance-member, Katie, and asked "So is the four-strong gone?" Katie simply gave a blank look and replied, "Which four is that?" Uh, so I guess the answer would be YES. Steph immediately knew something was up and sought out more answers, and with a discontented tribemate on the prowl, Tom acted quickly. He called a tribe meeting and told the team not to penalize him for his previous strong performances. "Don't give me the 'Tom's a threat, we gotta get rid of him line,'" he said, adding "Let's use the 'Stephenie's a threat, we gotta get rid of her' line instead. That's not hypocritical, right?" Conveniently, Steph was nowhere to be found during this performance. I don't know where she could have gone. I imagine Katie had said to her "Hey, can you go get some water? But, you know, from the well that's like an hour away? THANKS."

Unfortunately for Tom, his little spiel really rubbed the women the wrong way, and they all decided to band together to oust the boys. With a four to three advantage, this appeared to be a savvy move. All they needed to do was alert Caryn of this master plan. That shouldn't be too much of an issue, right? Right?

We'll get back to that later, but for now, we had a Reward Challenge to deal with. "Our Tree Mail came in a little... purse or a, uh, money folder," explained Tom. Money folder? I think the word you're looking for is "wallet" or if you want to get really fancy, "Billfold." I know, me with the crazy vocab again!

Anyway, when money surfaces in the reward challenge, it can only mean one thing: food auction! For some reason, I truly love this event. And apparently so does Caryn. "OH FUN FUN!" she exclaimed upon hearing Jeff Probst introduce the rules. Seriously, she hadn't been this excited since the time Karen Adler got her front row tix to Tina Turner in '89. Simply the best, if you will.

In a twist from previous years, every item - not just a few select ones - was covered, making the entire auction feel very Let's Make a Deal. Jenn took a risk on the first item up for bid and wound up winning a big ice cream sundae that had her trembling with joy. Steph and Caryn split the next lot, but when they went up to retrieve their food, Probst pulled out a second covered plate and told them they had five seconds to choose which one they wanted. Oh so tricky, Probst! No wonder why you have that devilish grin! The ladies eventually selected the newer dish, and when our host revealed that the first item was cheese and crackers, Ian let out a groan from the stands. Turns out he loves cheese and crackers, which makes sense since he appears to be as thin as a saltine and as foul smelling as rotten cheddar. Nevertheless, Jeff revealed plate number two which turned out to be a savory cheeseburger. The women went ballistic, and Caryn even did a little dance previously not seen since, well, Tina Turner '89. Meanwhile, Katie scowled bitterly in the corner. Somebody feed her, STAT!

Next up was yet another cloaked dish, and this time Ian DEFINITELY wanted in. With a twenty dollar boost from Gregg, our favorite dolphin trainer won the lot, but once again Jeff provided temptation by offering up the contents of a mysterious crate. Ian stuck to his original purchase; so with great glee, Jeff revealed what was in the crate. It was... a glass jar of crabs! Everyone recoiled in disgust, and while it did seem appalling at first, after a few moments, it just looked funny. I mean, what an odd turn of events for those crabs. And what a strange thing for Probst to pull out of nowhere -- a crab jar. Anyway, because Ian held his own, he therefore won a spaghetti and meatball meal, complete with garlic bread and everything. In his excitement, Ian embraced a visibly unhappy Jeff Probst and gave him a big ole hug.

"Wow, you smell Ian," said Jeff. "Wow, you reek." Poor Probst. I've said in previous posts that you can smell Ian through the TV, and so I was particularly pleased that Jeff could verify this. Seriously, how much do you want to bet that Ian reeks normally? You just know he's the type to never wear deodorant. That's probably how he trains the dolphins. If they don't do what he wants, they just get a whole snout full of armpit. Gross...

Probst discovers the true meaning of "ripe"

Anyway, Probst then pulled out a special satchel, and we just knew things would be getting real sentimental, real fast. Sure enough, he had letters from home, all up for auction. Quivering chins were had all around, especially Tom, who was so choked up, he had to resort to "Hail Hitler!" gestures to place his bids. He eventually purchased his letter, and because Probst is such a solid gold champ, he told everyone else they could buy their letters for the same price. You know, Ian may smell, but at least he didn't devolve into a bluthering mess. Meanwhile, everyone else was a disaster area. With the letters all distributed, Jeff banged his Probst Gavel and ended the auction, causing Jenn to yell out in protest, "No cheese and crackers???" She then tilted her head, made a droopy-lipped face, and opened her eyes wide. Aw, how can anyone resist that pucker? Everyone pet Jenn!

Actually, she didn't do any of that (although, she did ask for the cheese), but she did quietly mock Ian later in the day when he resolved to wash himself after Probst's derision. "Today is bath day," proclaimed Ian. Uh, shouldn't every day be bath day? Anyway, Ian ambled over to the ocean with a soap caddy and began scrubbing. Unfortunately, his lanky limbs could only reach so far, and so Gregg had to be called in for sponge bath duty. In one of the more homoerotic moments of the season, Gregg washed down his buddy's dirt-encrusted back, much to the amusement of the gals on the beach. It was a fairly odd image, if only because it looked like Gregg were scrubbing a pile of talking string beans. Nevertheless, rejoicing was had by all as Ian finally emerged from the surf clean and un-stinky. Well, see you in another four years, bath!

Later, Tom and Caryn went off for a walk where he pulled the old "You look out for me and I'll look out for you" gambit. It's the oldest trick in the book -- making someone feel safe and needed -- and it worked like a charm. You know, I do actually enjoy Caryn's presence in a weird way, but I expected her to be a bit shrewder. Instead, she fell for Tom's flattery, and because he was the first person to approach her (way to drop the ball, Stephenie and Katie), we could see her instantly joining his cause. Don't know why though. It's not like he promised her much. Tom literally said that she'd be part of the "strong six." But there are only SEVEN PEOPLE LEFT! Way to bring her into the inside loop!

Anyway, it was time for the immunity challenge, and this time around, the survivors had to stand on a platform a few feet away from a grid of ceramic tiles. Each player had five color-coded tiles. The first person to break all five of his or her own tiles by lobbing coconuts would win immunity. Any tiles accidentally broken by other players would count. So basically, this was an accuracy test.

Ian was first up, and he immediately connected, shattering his red tile on the first shot. Wow. That was actually pretty impressive. I probably would have missed the board altogether. Moments later, Caryn got up and... missed the board altogether. Okay, I just made myself sound as athletically skilled as a middle-age woman. That's very sad. Anyway, there was more coconut tossing, and everyone seemed to be doing well except Steph - a.k.a. "Jersey" as Jeff anointed her. Ian had high accuracy marks, going three for three at the outset. How is he so good at this? Did he play varsity bocce? Amateur league shuffleboard? Professional horseshoes? Olympic tiddlywinks? Okay, that last one didn't really fit, but I wouldn't discount it. Well, whatever it was that gave Ian such good aim payed off because he won immunity, thus opening up the Tribal Council for a Steph / Tom showdown.

Upon return to the camp, the survivors met with a random rainstorm, causing Tom to muse about how it would be great if the sun would come out and everyone would go running out individually and talk and... I don't know. He wasn't really making any sense. When the rain did eventually stop, Katie announced that she was going to find snails with Caryn, a benign statement that nonetheless felt very disturbing to me. Once away from the group, Katie informed Caryn of the all-girls alliance, but we could tell our tough little cookie wasn't totally thrilled with the idea. That's most likely because Tom got to her first, and what a good move it was on his part. Caryn immediately came running to him with information that the girls were all banding against him. He became suddenly paranoid and questioned why Caryn would share information that would be beneficial to her (don't you see, Caryn? Even Tom thinks you should do the female alliance!). Well, Caryn quickly realized that she may have played all her cards too quickly, and as she babbled to us in her random cloak, I was fairly disappointed to realize that she was not the gamer I thought she'd be. But hey, at least she can rock the cape. As for Tom, he simply contributed to the semi homoerotic nature of this episode by announcing "I gotta get off with Ian." Gross!

Speaking of Ian, his bath seemed to have had no effect as we gazed upon his back which seemed to be freshly coated with a thick layer of dirt. Where the hell does he sleep? Mud piles? This is ridiculous! Anyway, scuttlebutt about a girls alliance travelled around camp, and soon Ian wanted to talk to Katie about it. She quickly denied the all-female alliance and accused Caryn of making it up. I've made fun of Katie many times -- sometimes more harshly than she probably deserves -- but this was a very smart move. Even more impressive was her next move: after assuring Ian that the original alliance was still strong and resilient, she then pulled a little "Although, if you think about it, maybe we should get rid of Tom?" Brilliant! That quick-witted strategy improvisation wins big points in my book. I mean, she basically covered her own ass, hung Caryn out to dry, and then managed to assert her agenda after all. Now that's what you call some good scheming. Katie - you're on the road to TVgasm redemption!

Unfortunately for me and the other fans of Stephenie, there was one major player missing from all this plotting: Stephenie. As much as I love her, she was entirely too hands off with the scheming (at least as far as we could tell). By having Katie act as her deputy, Stephenie made a grave miscalculation, especially considering how dubious Katie had been earlier in the episode. Still, it was hard to say just who exactly would be voted off this evening. There certainly was a strong chance of a Tom upset, but then again, Gregg seemed pretty adamant about Steph. Plus now Caryn had entered the pool as the dangerous floater. Even though I was leaning towards a Stephenie ouster, it was clear that anything could happen.

Anyway, it was eventually time for Tribal Council where our persnickety Probst greeted the castaways yet again. Despite his efforts to punch up the proceedings, it was a fairly ho-hum evening. JUST GET TO THE VOTING, DAMMIT! Well, the magical moment finally arrived, and as everyone placed their votes, we were deprived of seeing which names some of them had scrawled down. Hmmm... that usually means a landslide vote. This could be very bad for Stephenie. Further fueling my theory was the fact that Katie didn't cry when writing down her vote (previously she had said that she would cry when she wrote down Tom's name). So clearly she wasn't voting for Tom. Sure enough, when the final tally was read, Caryn received one vote and the rest were for Stephenie. And just like that, Stephenie's wonderful reign came to an end. Way to go, Caryn. You made the final six!

During the exit interview, Stephenie was surprisingly chipper as she said, "I'm proud of myself." You know, considering the odds that she faced this season, she has every right to feel that way. Good job Steph. We're proud of you too. Aww, a tender TVgasm moment.

What do you think? Did Caryn screw up? Should the tribe have voted out Tom? Will Stephenie marry me?

Racing At Maximum Travelocity

Considering that the outcome to this week's Amazing Race episode was fairly predictable, I still found myself on the edge of my seat. For once, the finish line wasn't nearly as exciting as the race itself as we watched a battle of alliances duke it out for dominance. After weeks of shrewd Romber action, the super couple finally slipped up, and the real issue became whether or not our favorite villains could recover lost ground due to Gretchen and Meredith's chronic mishaps. Oh, and for shits and giggles, the producers threw in a very Price Is Right touch with some silly gnome prizes, courtesy of Travelocity. Yay corporate sponsorship!

The episode began in India as Uchenna and a newly shaved (and better looking) Joyce emerged from the palatial Pit Stop from the last leg. First order of business: fly to Istanbul (resisting annoying 1992 urge to sing They Might Be Giants) and find a lighthouse called Kizkulesi. As they ran off into the night, Joyce chirped some spiritual mumbo jumbo about letting go and letting god -- I don't know. She's sweet, and I like her, but she needs to be funnier. The hair is a good start.

Next out of the gate was the dynamic alliance of Rob, Amber, Kelly, Ron, and introducing Sanju, the artist formerly known as Sanjay. Seriously, I thought Sanju was Sanjay. Nevertheless, the two teams quickly read their clues, although not before Ron and Kelly engaged in a little snipping over who gets to hold the paper. There's really nothing worse than bland people who bicker. Okay, maybe Hitler, but even that's a stretch.

Anyway, the unholy alliance between these two teams seemed to be working out well, but Rob reminded us that "when push comes to shove, we'll do what it takes to win." Oh really? I didn't realize you felt that way. You only say it EVERY SINGLE EPISODE! If it's any consolation though, Rob has lived up to his word. It's not like Patrick and Susan whose supposed devious ways got them cut after three episodes.

Once everyone had received their first clue, the next order of business was snagging some sweet ass plane tickets. Uchenna and Joyce showed some intelligence by locating a hotel to call ahead to a travel agency. It wasn't really necessary because there was a twenty-four hour office open down the street, but at least they were being resourceful for once. I felt instantly sorry for the poor travel agent as he not only looked exhausted, but now had to deal with reality stars cooing like pigeons (Gretchen), blaring loudly (Rob), and comparing the office to military barracks (Ron). Okay, Ron didn't do that, but you know that he was just dying to note how the "walls" in the room were like the "walls" in Baghdad. Uncanny!

So tired. So very, very tired.

As for Uchenna, he became the latest in a long list of racers to adopt some odd, one-size-fits-all accent that was intended to ease communication but really only sounded dumb. I don't know why so many people think that they'll be more understandable if they speak in short, clipped words minus essential articles like "a" and "the". The locals speak Hindi, not Caveman.

After some shuffling around and various taxi-rides, everyone managed to secure tickets to Istanbul via a layover in Delhi. Since the flights didn't leave until the next morning, everyone headed to a local hotel to get some shut-eye. "Home sweet home for the next eight hours," said Gretchen. Suddenly the action slowed to a near halt as the soundtrack frightened us with a massive "DUNH!!!" Uh oh! Would she and Meredith be oversleeping? Would they miss their plane? What pray tell would happen?

Actually, nothing happened. Had I not paused the Tivo to theorize about the oldsters' fates, I would have very quickly learned (literally - two seconds later) that they had woken up on time and were ready to face the day. Why the slo-mo of imminent disaster? Now the producers are just screwing with us. That's not very nice.

Meanwhile, as he and Ambah rode to the airport, Rob dismissively said, "I'm so over India." We then cut to Sanju standing behind a window, a single tear rolling down his cheek. "His words are like daggers in my fragile heart. I shall never know love again!" Sanju then placed his palm on the glass and wept for hours.

At the airport, the two alliances quickly huddled amongst themselves. Ever the trickster, Rob casually asked gullible Gretchen if she was on the earlier flight. The only thing was that there was no earlier flight. Rob completely made it up to mindf-ck his AARP rivals. Man, I really hate him, and yet I really love when he pulls this sort of shit. As can be expected, Gretchen immediately reported to Meredith and Joychenna that there was an earlier flight, and while Rob preened like a schoolyard bully, Uchenna found some local and made a few calls. Turns out there actually was another flight from Delhi to Istanbul, and even though there was a connection in Dubai, the teams would still arrive two hours earlier. What's this? A Rob lie coming back to bite him in the ass? We could only hope for such a turn of events. After all, whether you love him or hate him, there's really nothing more amusing than watching someone happily sit on his laurels and think he's in first place.

But then again -- might Rob find out about his unintentional folly? As Uchenna made arrangements over the phone, Ron and Kelly stood perilously close, overhearing a few key details. They immediately reported to the Robfather that the other teams seemed to be up to something, but the cocksure reality veterans insisted that there was no earlier flight. Me likey the hubris. Surely Rob would land on his feet (never mind the fact that this was most likely a non-elimination leg), but I just wanted to see his ego take a massive hit.

In Delhi, Kelly and Ron hopped in a cab for Turkish Airlines to investigate earlier flights. Then finally, after a week of anticipation, we finally witnessed the much-hyped Kelly/Ron showdown.

"Your patterns in life show that you don't make commitments," said Kelly.

"You're right," said Ron. "I was only committed to the military." Yes, I know. Another military reference, but Kelly was ready for it.

"And you got out of that one," she replied.

"How did I get out of that one?" asked a perplexed Ron. Wait for it... wait for it...

"By being a POW."

SLAM!

That's gotta hurt! A quick jab right in the ole family jewels. Now, I've been bashing Ron's incessant nattering about the military all season (and yes, I'm sure the editors and producers can be thanked for that), but even so, Kelly was fairly out of line with that statement (not that I didn't love it). Surely Ron would go ballistic on her, right? Well, not so much. Instead he simply let out a torrent of annoyed sarcasm, thus ending the confrontation with a meager sigh. You know, every week, I always fall for the Amazing Race promos, and without fail, I'm disappointed. Probably the only time a conflict on the show ever led to anything was when the metal gate fell on Freddy's head last season. That was pretty awesome.

Anyway, after this emotionally charged taxi-ride came to an end, Ron and Kelly desperately tried to find an earlier flight, but all the travel agents were steadfast that there simply were no other options. Cut to me on the edge of my couch crossing my fingers and hoping that Rob and Amber don't somehow figure this out.

Later, in the airport, Rob, Amber, Kelly, and Ron waited for their plane and happily derided the other teams. "Uchenna and Joyce don't know who to turn to. It's the blind leading the blind," said Rob... blindly. Never one to pass up an opportunity to be dumb, Kelly replied by saying "Uchenna is a leech for information." Yeah, seriously. If Uchenna shoved his nose any deeper into Rob's ass, he'd be... Kelly and Ron.

Anyway, all the teams eventually boarded their flights, causing me to let out a sigh of relief as Rob played the fool for once. Even more delightful was the ever enjoyable flight route map to Istanbul. Man, I could watch animated planes spanning the globe for hours on end. Okay, maybe just two minutes really (although, I have been known to become unusually transfixed by the route map TV channel on JetBlue). Anyway, the first flight landed on time, allowing Joychenna and Team AARP to get a leg up on their competition. Romber and their lackeys arrived two hours later, and considering they still had a train ride, a taxi, a ferry, and a boat ahead of them, it was safe to say that the first wave of racers would be maintaining their leads.

Almost immediately the Romber-Kelly/Ron alliance crumbled. Rob and Amber quickly hopped onto a train, leaving their two buddies in the dust. "Dang it!" yelled Ron, as the train pulled out of the station. Relax! Another one will be around in two minutes. Oh, but I shouldn't be too critical. Ron was probably having a flashback to the time he missed a school bus when he was little, and that probably reminded him of Iraq somehow.

Meanwhile, Joyce, Uchenna, Meredith and Gretchen finally arrived at that damned lighthouse, only to discover that they'd have to search the island for little garden gnomes - or "gomes" as Joyce called them. But WAIT! These weren't just your plain-Jane porcelain variety of gnomes. They were special and corporate branded! I'll let Phil explain: "What teams don't know is these are Travelocity Roaming Gnomes." OF COURSE! I was gonna say -- those gnomes totally looked like they were in the middle of some hardcore roaming (courtesy of Travelocity)! In a very game show-y twist, teams all had to bring their gnomes to the finish line, and the lucky duo whose gnome had an airplane sticker on it would win a "special" prize. A bubble bath with Phil, perhaps? Maybe an extensive tour of his world famous turtleneck collection?

Uchenna and Joyce found their gnome first and headed back to the mainland where they located their next clue at the base of a tower. The almighty Detour surfaced here, and the duo had to choose between Kilos or Columns. In Columns, teams had to travel ten miles away to a subterranean well and use a map to find a column (there were about two hundred total). Once at the correct location, teams then had to pull up a little box from the depths of the well. It wasn't over yet though. Next they had to use numbers on the columns to figure out a combination that would open the padlock on the box from the well in the room in Istanbul in the country of Turkey on the planet Earth. Less complicated was the other option, Kilos. Teams had to grab a scale and weigh 5,500 pounds worth of humans. Man, had this been Las Vegas, teams could have accomplished that feat in three, maybe four minutes flat. By the way, minor Vegas diversion: if you want to hear a creepy website, visit WynnLasVegas.com and be sure to click on "The Shows". The more Steve Wynn says "Le Rêve", the funnier it gets. LE RÊVE! LE RÊVE!

Anyway, Joychenna opted for Kilos, and while they got to work weighing random Turks, Meredith and Gretchen found their Roaming Gnome and headed back to the mainland. "What are we gonna call this guy?" asked Meredith. Gretchen, normally one for cooing and cawing, seemed to have no patience for such tomfoolery, answering, "I don't know. Gnome." This would explain their daughter's name, Baby. Nevertheless, Meredith bestowed the name "Jerome the Gnome" on his figurine, saddening Noam Chomsky pun fans worldwide.

With Jerome The Gnome (or J-Gnome, as I call him) tucked away safely, the old people then did what they do best: make stupid mistakes. They arrived at the next clue, but in true Amazing Race senior citizen fashion, completely walked by it, opting to ascend a tall tower instead. The producers couldn't hold back their mockery as they joyfully piped in German oompa music to highlight the silliness on screen. After a few trips up and down the tower, the old people finally saw the clue box, causing Gretchen to complain, "Why don't we see things?" I honestly have no answer for her. Maybe one too many massive head wounds?

Down at the Detour, Uchenna and Joyce reached their weight goal fairly quickly. Now it was off to the next clue at Rinoli Hisari - or something like that. I was heartily amused when Uchenna tried to hail a cab. His whistle had the faint puttering sound of a toddler blowing out candles. Still, he managed to snag a taxi, and while he and the wifey headed off on their next adventure, Rob and Amber finally boarded the boat to the lighthouse. The world seemed to cave in for Rob as he learned that two other teams had already been passed through. I was fairly shocked at how well Rob took the news. For sure I thought he'd erupt into a litany of empty comments like "If that's how they're gonna play, fine" or "Okay, if they wanna do that, fine" or "So that's how it's gonna be. Fine" But instead, he stayed calm and tackled the next challenge, which apparently included a vocab lesson. "What's a gnome?" asked Rob after reading the clue. Amber then took out a picture of Lynn, drew a beard and a hat on him, and handed it to Rob. It was a surprisingly effective visual aid.

The two quickly found their gnome and headed back to shore as Ron and Kelly docked at the light house. After bragging about their comfortable second place position, the unlucky team got bitch-slapped by reality as they plucked out the last clue. Suddenly well-aware of their last place standing, Ron and Kelly got to work hunting down their gnome, and thankfully, Ron didn't offer any dumb commentary about how searching for garden figurines was like hunting down Iraqis. "Finding that gnome in the rocks really reminded me of this time in Baghdad when I saw a rock. Yeah, that was a great memory. Hey, have you ever noticed how saying 'a rock' sounds like 'Iraq'? Kind of reminds me of this time in Iraq..."

Meanwhile, over at the front of the pack, Joyce and Uchenna arrived at their next clue which was the Roadblock. Phil Koegan once again appeared on camera and told us that teams would have to "Storm the caste!" I was really hoping it wasn't his perverted way of saying "Lather me up in chocolate syrup," and thankfully, we were spared of such a sight. Instead, the person doing the Roadblock would have to climb a rope ladder over a wall, run up some stairs, grab a key, repel down another wall, unlock a book, and then let his or her teammate into the castle via the front door. Uchenna obviously volunteered for the challenge, which he finished in no time. Phil then advised us that teams would then have to search through the castle to find the Pit Stop. Ah, a nice twist. I'm a big fan of the hidden Pit Stop.

Well, my excitement was short-lived as Joyce and Uchenna had no problems locating Phil. I can just imagine Uchenna getting directions from a guard:

Uchenna: "You see man with mat?"

Guard: "Huh?"

Uchenna: "Spiky hair? New Zealand accent?"

Guard: "Huh?"

Uchenna: "Big turtleneck?"

Guard: "OH! Phil Koegan! Right over there!"

Man, I love writing little scenes. Anyway, Joyce and Uchenna arrived first, but since their gnome had no airplane on it, they were deprived of yet another prize. Man, if Rob and Amber win this special reward, I might have a conniption fit.

"You must admit. I am ravishing."

Elsewhere in Turkey, Meredith and Gretchen had found the town square but couldn't seem to locate the man with the scales for the Kilos detour. I'm not sure, but I think they actually walked by him at one point and said his scales weren't large enough. What were they expecting? Some enormous contraption like Celebrity Fit Club? As the old fogeys searched random shops and alleys (GO BACK TO THE SQUARE, DAMMIT!), Rob and Amber made their way over to the Detour. Oh man. Are the old people going to blow their lead? Say it ain't so.

Well, they eventually found their scales, and as big band music played on the soundtrack, Gretchen corralled in all sorts of fat people, pausing only to give brief commentary on their weight. "58? That's a lightweight!" she scoffed after one skinny jerk got off the scale. Eventually, they reached their goal and headed off to the Roadblock where Meredith volunteered his wife to climb up the castle wall. WTF? Are you crazy?? She'll crack open her head faster than you can say "Spelunker!"

Meanwhile, even though Rob and Amber had a significant lead on Ron and Kelly, the latter team made up some time by taking a cab from the ferry instead of hoofing it, like the Survivors. At the Detour, Romber opted to weigh people, but in a surprise decision, Ron and Kelly went for the columns. This of course was after the army flunky and his beauty queen diva honed their inner Meredith and Gretchen and ascended the nearby tower for no good reason (Kelly was pleasantly passive aggressive in the elevator, so it was worth it).

Anyway, Ron and Kelly arrived at their Detour, and I became immediately confused as a flurry of coordinates and column numbers came at me all at once. Whatever, I'll just accept that they knew what they were doing, even if I was more overwhelmed than Meredith at a gnome-naming conference (that would be an odd conference, yes?).

Eventually, both teams finished their Detours and headed towards the Roadblock where Gretchen was languishing on the rope ladder. Panic instantly gripped me as I feared the oldsters might lose their lead, much the same way the Bowling Moms succumbed to Colin and Christie in a similar rope ladder challenge two seasons ago. Even though logic dictated that this would be a non-elimination round and therefore lower stakes, the last thing I wanted was another smug victory from Rob and Amber.

Unfortunately, Gretchen didn't seem to be going anywhere soon. Then again, that might have been the tricky editing: Hey look! Gretchen's at the bottom of the ladder! Now she's at the top! Now she's at the bottom again! Where is she truly? Only the editor knows for sure! MWAHAHAHAA!

After a well-placed commercial break, we returned to the rope ladder where Gretchen had a sudden motivational surge. With inspirational music playing, the old lady hauled herself up, one rung at a time, ultimately saying "Come on, girl!" Finally, she let out an "UNGH!!!" of triumph and hurled herself over the wall like a sack of potatoes. With the hardest part over, Gretchen returned to her normal beeps and whistles, shouting "Ohhhhhh no!", "Yippee!!" and "Let my husband in!" all along the way. Sure enough, Team AARP checked in second place and even patted themselves on the back, noting this was the first time they'd succeeded without other people's mistakes (although, I might argue that Rob's fib at the airport might qualify as a mistake). But while Meredith and Gretchen were super excited, Phil was all business. "There's a little gnome that you guys are going to bring to me," said Phil very seriously. For some reason, hearing Phil say "little gnome" is both endearing and creepy. Nevertheless, if he could say that without busting out a smile, he deserved a some credit for the world's best poker face.

The most bizarre image in Amazing Race history.

Anyway, Romber arrived at the Roadblock next, and after Rob had scaled the ladder, Kelly and Ron arrived. As the two guys raced through the challenge, their ladies stood at the castle door in an awkward silence worthy of a funeral parlor. Ultimately, Rob and Amber finished first and arrived at Phil's mat in third place. Phil welcomed them with the usual stoic charm, saying "The good news is that you're team number three." He then added "The better news is that we've decided to give you Joyce and Uchenna's first place prize. You win $10,000! Just... don't tell them." Actually, that didn't happen, and since Rob and Amber's gnome sucked, they didn't win the special Travelocity prize either.

Eventually, Ron and Kelly checked in at last place, and to no one's surprise, they were saved by a non-elimination round. As per the rules, they had to surrender all their belongings, but on the plus side, their gnome had the mystical airplane, resulting in them winning a $20,000 shopping spree on Travelocity. On top of that, they would be housed in the local Four Seasons for the night -- a sweet hookup that even included a laptop so they could browse Travelocity immediately. I can just imagine Ron and Kelly finally getting to their suite and just wanting to take a nap. Then Phil would step out of the linen closet with a pistol and snap, "TRAVELOCITY! NOW!!!"

Anyway, the ending of this episode wasn't anything special -- no one got eliminated -- but watching Rob's ego take a big hit was worth it. What did you think? Did you enjoy this installment? How do Rob and Amber rank as Amazing Race villains (or antiheroes, depending how you look at them)?

The Bachelor: What'd I Miss?? Apparently, Nothing

[jadedbitch is back from France with Bachelor recaps. You can read his blog at http://www.jadedbitch.com/.]

Bonjour! I have returned from Fabrice-land! Boy did I need that vacation! And being in Paris was a total turn-on, since everyone around you is completely horny and ready to have sex right there on the Metro system. Ah, but that's nothing a cold shower couldn't fix, or better yet, returning to North America and catching up on more dull episodes of The Bachelor. As if dreading going back to work wasn't bad enough, the thought of seeing Charlie O'Connell continue to dispose of forgettable women made my stomach lurch more than the American Airlines chicken teriyaki.

So last week's episode began with a barrage of "Hi, how are you's" and "Good, how are you?" I'm great, how are you? That's good to hear, how are you?? After I lost count of the endless dribble, Charlie showed up to pick up Little Sarah (NOT Sarah Dub) for a one on one date. We know how these go. If you get a rose, you get to stay, and if you don't, adios! The twosome arrived at a ranch to go horseback riding. Charlie should've gone coattail riding as he told Sarah that when his brother Jerry was in the movie Stand By Me, that was his first time riding horses, over in "Or-ah-gone." Way to pimp on your brother AGAIN, Charlie, and isn't Oregon prounounced "Or-ah-gunne"?

Sarah was quite anxious about being on top of a horse. If only Paris Hilton were around to give pointers on how to get bucked off. Fortunately for Sarah, she chose to come down off the horse before the horse chose to throw her off.

Meanwhile, the rest of the girls went to a spa to get their nails done. The promised "catfight" consisted of an argument between our loveable trailer trash Krisily and knitting guru Sarah Dub. There was a lot of "you're just jealous" thrown around, with Sarah Dub topping it off by saying, "I hope Charlie doesn't end up with you because you are HORR-IBLE." This caused Krisily to leave the spa altogether. All in all, I wanted to shove une baguette into both these girls' mouths.

Back on the one-on-one, Little Sarah and Charlie opened up to one another, with Chuck revealing that his ex was somewhere online typing that the two of them were still dating. Hmm, now if TVGasm could only find this little bit of online juiceyness...

Little Sarah ended up getting the rose and she revealed to Charlie about what Sarah Dub (or as Charlie calls her, Big Sarah) had said to her a few days back - that Charlie already knew who the final four were, and that it didn't include Little Sarah. The two didn't get it on, and the date was... NICE. But you know where NICE leaves you - ready to set sail over in the Friendship boat.

The next day, Charlie brought the girls on a fencing date (that's swords and swashbuckling, not stolen goods), where Krisily continued to bad mouth Sarah Dub to Charlie. Sarah Dub's defense was that she was used to girls ganging up on her because was so beautiful. Ah yes, it was another Audrey from The Apprentice moment. I too have the same problem, when walking the streets, gangs surround me and tell me I'm way too hot and they're gonna beat the crap out of me. I just take it like the hottie that I am.

Krisily checks out Charlie's wand.

Host Chris Harrison showed up at the fencing date to announce that another individual date with Charlie was up for grabs. Each girl had to fence against Charlie, and whoever did the best would win the date. Krisily broke down a bit because she was too claustrophobic to put on the fencing mask.

During one of the matches, Charlie announced, "I've got a long wand, what do you want from me?" Oh Chuck. I'm surprised he didn't make any hung like a horse jokes during his earlier date with Little Sarah.

Meanwhile, Sarah Dub looked on as Krisily announced she was claustrophobic. "I think it's fake and I don't believe it," claimed Sarah Dub. Krisily then gave herself an award for being able to face her fears. Wow, putting on a mask. That's real frightening. Someone should write that in as a stunt on Fear Factor. Hey Joe Rogan, have you thought of that one yet? Get your contestants to... put on a mask!!

Anitra ended up being the winner of the one-on-one date. The two went to dinner where Anitra announced that she loved to eat, whether she was hungry or not. Gee, hon, that's gonna attract eligible bachelors, isn't it?

Unfortunately, the two were coming up with more misses than hits. She likes to email, he can't type. She doesn't talk on the phone much, he likes to swing one around like a telephone cowboy. To cope with the disastrous date, Charlie began downing the drinks. Ah yes, there's nothing like a litre of alcohol to make people more attractive. It wasn't enough to make Anitra look good though, as Charlie just ended up taking her back to the girls' home at the date's end.

Chris Harrison showed up the next morning while Charlie and the girls were having breakfast, to announce that the Rose Ceremony was going to take place immediately. This took everyone by surprise, including Charlie.

At the Rose Ceremony, Little Sarah sat in her pajamas safe and sound with a rose in her hand. The first to receive a rose at the ceremony was Canada's Kimberly, which means Charlie will be visiting Deadmonton, Alberta, in the next episode to meet Kim's family. Can't wait! Hey Charlie, watch out for them tumbleweeds over there! Sarah Dub, decked in camouflage chic, joyously received a rose, and practically had an orgasm in front of everyone. The last rose of the evening went to Krisily, shutting out Kindle and Anitra.

Next episode: Hometown visits! Charlie comes to Canada!!

The Tribe Has Not Spoken

Broken record time: this recap was exceptionally late due to my trip to the East Coast. To make matters worse, I actually had things to do this week. You know, like meetings and interviews. What is this? I'm supposed to be blogging, dammit! I figured I'd just put off the recap until after I was done with this week's Amazing Race, but then a quick look at the calendar revealed that it was Thursday and I was about to commit the cardinal sin of television blogging: getting lapped by TV! Yes, if I didn't hurry up, a new episode of Survivor would air before I'd even had a chance to post about the old one. Not cool. It didn't make things much easier for me that this week's episode of Survivor wasn't exactly thrilling. I mean, it wasn't bad or lame -- just average. But anyway, I've already babbled enough about my poor time management. Let's revisit all the glorious moments (all three of them) from the latest installment of Survivor.

The episode began with bugs crawling all over stuff. You know things are getting tense when Mark Burnett shuns the ever popular crab-in-the-dark intro. Anyway, we then cast our eyes on resident twig Janu who was still smarting from Coby's departure. "I felt this huge loss," she explained, possibly referring to her weight. While she moped and lost valuable heart tissue, Katie and Jenn had a heartfelt conversation down on the beach. Were they discussing politics, social issues, or maybe existentialism? No. They were gossiping. Better yet, they were gossiping about Janu - a.k.a. the woman sitting ten feet away.

"Janu is completely mad," said Katie in an interview. She then went on to describe her tribemate's wacky behavior: "Last night at tribal council, she was sitting like a jack-in-the-box with this really creepy smile and eyes on her face." This from the girl who looks like a beached walrus in bikini bottoms. Seriously, she's one set of eyeglasses away from being the island Piggy. Wow, that was mean of me. But hey, if she's gonna be vacuous and shallow, so will I.

Well, Janu overheard Katie's yapping and immediately accused her of carrying on with a high school mentality. Actually, I would have revised that to "middle school" after Katie opened up her trap in defense: "You're being creepy. I'm sorry!" Hey Katie, you're being fat (Hey, I never said that I was above middle school level either).

The two women continued to go at it until Janu finally laid down one of the more bizarre insults by saying "You're Saturday Night Live." Had Katie had any semblance of brainpower, she would have responded with "Well, you're Mad TV!", but of course she lacks any wit or verbal ingenuity and was unsurprisingly silent. Maybe she hit her head one too many times while swinging from vines. By the way, if SNL ever does become only as funny as Katie, Lorne Michaels may want to simply turn the show into a drama (or at least fire Horatio Sanz).

Anyway, the argument eventually climaxed when Janu turned to the assembled group and said, "All you guys are gonna turn on each other." Ian simply stared off into the distance with a look that seemed to say, "Oh yeah. She's right... I wish Tom would hold me right now." Tom would then place a hand on Ian's shoulder and say "I'm already here, buddy. I'm already here..."

Soon it was time for everyone to head out and meet good ole Jeff Probst for the Reward Challenge. Our intrepid host explained that the tribe would be split into two groups that would then piece together scaffolding in the water. The first team to build its entire structure, grab a flag, and then return to shore would win. There wasn't much noteworthy about the challenge except that it appeared to be extremely draining. Katie for one had a difficult job swimming, breathing, and keeping her ass in her pants. Yes, for the first time we appreciated CBS's nudity blur as the island tart bared some butt crack to America. Later, Katie won my vote for "Most In Need of a Sports Bra" when her boobies went flopping all over Palau as she ran back into the surf. Seriously, anyone in a two foot radius might have wound up with a bloody nose.

Eventually, the plucky group of Tom, Gregg, Caryn, and Janu won the reward and immediately went off to have lunch with some native islanders. Before the meal though, the winning survivors participated in a traditional ceremony that had Caryn waxing poetic. She explained that she was thoroughly moved by the chief's blessing, but sadly Caryn neglected to let us know whether the experience was better or worse than that time she stumbled into Macy's half-off sale. Nevertheless, the chief placed a flowery garland around Caryn's head, and I couldn't help thinking how awesome it would have been had he given her a curly wig instead. Then she could have played out scenes in Meet the Fockers.

Meet The Flowers

The group soon chowed down to what appeared to be a delectable feast, but unfortunately, Janu's pea-sized stomach couldn't take the sudden influx of nourishment. Moments later, she excused herself and booted in the bushes. If you need a visual on this one, just imagine a broomstick vomiting. Amazingly enough, Gregg seemed to be actually mad at her, noting that there were four other people who surely would have happily taken Janu's place at the table. Until Gregg drops the "G" quotient of his name down to a healthy 40%, I can't take him seriously.

Anyway, the crew brought back some feast goodies for the losers back at camp, and immediately, everyone tore into it. Janu, revived after her tropical yakking, picked at some of the desserts, much to the dismay of Katie who could not have seemed more angry. She should just be happy they brought the food back. Knowing Katie, she probably would have kept it all to herself (not because she's hefty but because she's selfish. Okay, and hefty too). Truthfully, what Janu did was somewhat poor form, but not nearly as rude as the ladies last season who literally only gave the men chicken bones after one feast (the worst incident had to be from Marquesas when Neleh took a mint out of her mouth and offered it to her tribe).

The next day, Jenn and Tom fetched the tree mail which seemed to promise a very Fear Factor-ish immunity challenge. Actually, it was a total Fear Factor challenge. Survivors had to sit under a grate, and as the tide rolled in, it would eventually cover their mouths. Last person standing would win immunity. Oddly enough, today I watched a rerun of Fear Factor -- something I literally never ever do -- and the final challenge was almost completely identical. Coincidence? I think not! Sorry, just felt like being clichéd there for a moment.

Anyway, Steph fretted that she really needed immunity because she simply didn't feel safe -- after all, she's the strongest girl and that may pose a threat. You know, after over thirty minutes of anti-Janu sentiment, I was pretty offended that the producers would even try to throw in this lame attempt at misdirection. It was more than obvious that Steph would be sticking around; so why even attempt this? Eh, not worth the effort to complain. I'll just accept it.

Jeff happily ushered the tribe into the challenge, but this time he had an extra twinkle in his eye. Why? Because the first person to bail out of this mission would be forced to sleep overnight on another beach. Wow, this would have been really scary had we not seen Stephenie in the same predicament JUST LAST WEEK! Nevertheless, the Survivors all took spots under the grate and waited for the tide to rise. Ian tried to pass the time by joking, "This man walks into a bar..." but sadly, his humor was undermined by his complete and utter inability to be funny. Actually, it really wasn't that bad. I just have negative reactions to smelly people, and you just know that by now he smells like a thousand Eastern European armpits rolled into one.

When the comedy finally died down, Jeff questioned Janu about how she felt. Shivering and cold, she expressed her discomfort and then suddenly bowed out of the competition. As she climbed onto the ever ubiquitous pontoon, her tribe members began joking and laughing, prompting the always welcomed lash-out by Probst. He noted how no love was lost between the tribe and Janu, even though she was about to head off to a scary beach all by herself. Everyone immediately denied the accusation, but the surly host stood his ground. "You guys are crackin' jokes like you're at open mic," he said. One might say they're like Saturday Night Live. High-five, Janu!

Anyway, Tom won immunity again -- shocker! -- and Janu went off in her little boat to her island exile. Man, Mark Burnett just loves stranding women places. However, instead of a frightening evening alone, Janu kept busy as she started a fire (exposing her thong in the process) and then danced on the beach. I kind of felt happy for her. I always sort of liked Janu after that first episode when she climbed up the tree, and while she hasn't been my favorite person, I always liked her more than the other cliquey girls on Koror. Seeing her have a moment of tranquility and loony hippy reverie was somehow heartwarming for me.

The next morning it was back to business. The scheming quietly surfaced in Koror as Gregg expressed interest in voting Steph out that night. Unfortunately, Tom couldn't really sign off on this because he had that pesky secret alliance, but eventually it seemed as though he had folded and had resigned to voting her off. Later, Stephenie confronted Ian about voting off Janu, and he simply nodded his head and said "Yeah" quietly. GOOD COVER! You know, I love Steph, but I wish she'd stop letting other players decide her fate. Scheme for once!

Meanwhile, wayward meta-castaway Janu returned to Koror from her evening in the more-wilderness. The team peppered her with faux-happiness (way to guilt them, Jeff), but Janu wrote it all off, chalking up their smiles to superficiality. Man, she's really bitter.

Tribal Council finally arrived, and we met up again with Coby who now sported a striped tank-top, brighter highlights, and a freshly shaven face. In stark contrast was Ian who shuffled in wearing some sort of green toga contraption and patches of hair on his cheeks. Janu explained to Probst that she loved her night alone on the beach and didn't feel like she belonged in the tribe. Caryn became livid and insisted that this was all in her head. For a moment I thought she'd lose it big time -- like the time Sheila Mankowitz scratched her Celine Dion CD (you just know Caryn does step-aerobics to "Love Can Move Mountains"). But luckily all tempers stayed calm and collected. When asked about his voting strategy, Tom replied that "Nobody's voting based on who they like or who makes us laugh." The camera then cut to Jenn who I half expected to say "I'm voting on cuteness. Tee hee! I win!!!" Seriously though, Jenn is really hot.

Probst then asked the golden question: "Katie, why keep you?" My thoughts exactly. Katie responded that she posed no real threat. Ah ha! Even SHE admits that she's useless. Now I don't have to feel so guilty about slamming her so much. When Jeff then asked the same question to Janu, she replied "They can get rid of me." Uh-oh. Do we have an Osten moment coming up? Janu defended her statement, saying she'd gotten everything she needed from the experience. Meanwhile, Stephenie looked like she was about to die. She gave an impassioned speech about wanting to stay and compete, ultimately culminating in a teary admission that she was on the hot seat. As her voice devolved into little squeaks and whistles, it suddenly dawned on me that she might be my favorite Survivor woman ever. I don't think she'll make it all the way, but man, if she gets voted off and Janu stays, that would really suck.

Luckily, Stephenie's speech truly resonated with Janu, and even though Coby couldn't believe it, she willingly quit the game. Normally I'd be annoyed at such actions, but in a way, Janu's move was a sacrificial gesture. By quitting, she ensured Stephenie's safety for at least three more days -- time that she hopefully will spend scheming to oust the power players. Even Probst had to respect this move. When he snuffed out Janu's torch, he spared her the usual snide remarks like "Get out of here" and simply let her walk off peacefully.

Next week, it looks like Steph will finally be getting her act together by organizing a female alliance. Hopefully she'll bring people to her side by exposing Tom and Ian's hypocrisy, but I also have a strong sense that this will all be misdirection.

Wow, that machete sure looks fat next to Janu.

What do you think? Should Janu have quit? Can Stephenie last another episode?

Sweet Relief

Paula's not crying. That's just sweat from Vicodin withdrawal.

Big night tonight. Our man Constantine was finally ousted. And to think people thought good taste was dead. In honor of this splendid moment of reality justice, let's take a trip down memory lane and revisit Constantine's triumphant segueway into loser-dom.

SHOCK AND BORE! Scott and Carrie's jaws drop while Bo sits contentedly and Vonzell appears to be completed disinterested in the proceedings. I guess it's an accurate representation of my emotions.

Constantine desperately tries to shrug off his failure by adopting his pseudo-tough-guy smirk. Sadly, a crying cast member from Rent wilts inside.

All hail Paula Abdul's ability to age fifteen years when she cries. Where's your seal clapping now???

During the video montage, Constantine says that when he's old and gray, he can always look back at this time and smile. Yes. And what a hideous moment that shall be. In related news, orthodontists around the country pray that they can operate on Constantine's mouth. Then someday they too can think back and smile.

Paula and Constantine's mom commiserate. Then make out.

Serenity returns to America.

Thank goodness that's over. As Constantine grunted "Let's rock this thing!" during his final performance, I realize just how little I'd miss him and his poseur rock star ways. Now comes the big question: who will take over as TVgasm's Most Hated American Idol Contestant? I guess you'll just have to check back Tuesday night...

Call of the Wild

While I love that the entire season of America's Next Top Model has taken place in Los Angeles, it does deprive us of one of the greatest parts of the show, and that is watching the models as they travel. These girls have no clue what they are talking about when the background is American culture. And while it was nice when I had to augment everybody's knowledge Los Angeles (some appreciating it more than others), it would be even better if we got a wonderful "I eat Japanese, I love Panda Express" type of moment. So when I learned that the remaining six top models would be traveling to an undisclosed location, I could barely control my excitement.

The Deadly Sins shoot was a decent concept, but I thought the pictures were so very underwhelming. The new Tyra mail for this week asked the girls who was ready to get wild. Tyra is usually very transparent with her punny messages, so we were all expecting that some sort of wildlife would be involved. We were proven correct and the girls met Miss Jay somewhere in the Valley for some up and close with some animals. Jay said that he was going to bring out three animals, and they were going to have to learn how to mimic that animal and pose like that animal.

Everybody loves the animal segment of every show ever produced, but a lot of the girls were quite apprehensive about being part of the animal segment. They were less excited about learning from the animals and more worried that they were going to eaten alive. Luckily, some of the young ladies had a plan. Take Christina for instance. If she was in danger, she had the perfect plan. She would turn around and run, because that's what she does best, and thank God she's fast.

Now, I understand that Christina may be unfamiliar with animals, but I can't think of one person who has ever recommended running away from an animal out to get you. What sort of animal did she think they were going to pose with, a manatee? Christina was soon desponded to learn from the two animal handlers, Jet and Eric, that the last thing you wanted to do was run away from an animal. It would be as useless as trying to beat Star Jones to a Krispy Kreme when the "Fresh Donuts" sign is lit up.

The first two animals were a leopard and a cheetah, and things went off without a hitch. The tiger sound a little hungry as it stared at Jay Alexander, but probably decided it didn't want the aftertaste from all the makeup he wears. The last animal to come out was a bear, and I know it was a bear, but did this bear ever have a slobber problem. But despite a little foam at the mouth, each girl was given a chance to have the bear eat a marshmallow out of their mouth.

I like dogs, but I really never understood the pleasure people had when their dog licked them all over the face. Yeah, yeah, a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human mouth, yada, yada, yada. I'm sorry, your dog doesn't floss, or brush it's teeth before it goes to bed - you don't have to make out with it. And this bear? Are you kidding me? I am surprised Kahlen was the only one who didn't see anything wrong with going lip to lip with a bear. Then again, there are some pretty bad kissers out there. This bear seemed to know what it was doing something you can't say about a lot of humans out there. (BTW, when I mention bad kissers, I must mention this girl one of my college roommates dated. Her name is SS, and she kissed like a fish (dead fish actually). There Matt, now everybody knows, are you happy?)

After getting their pecks in with the bear, they were all told to pose like each of the animals. The producers did a really good job of finding shots of the animals that really looked like the shots of the girls as they were posing. Overall, this was kind of a lackluster event. It was raining outside, and it looked like Jay Alexander wanted to get his weave out of the rain as soon as possible. In the end, Brittany won because she used her face a lot and projected the most animal instinct of all of the girls. She got to pick two girls for her prize, but before we learned what it was, Tyra came out. She said that the girls were going to pose with some lions in the caged off area behind them. The girls barely had a chance to get scared, when Tyra gave them the actual suprise - they were flying to Africa.

Immediately, everybody started jumping around, very excited that they would get to go to Africa. I was thinking that they should hold off their excitement until they knew exactly where they were going in Africa. This is not like saying "You're going to Jamaica", depending on what part of Africa they are sent to, they might have to be wary of (in no particular order), ethnic cleansing (Sudan), ebola (Angola), meddling dictators (almost everywhere), and even polio. The only places I would be more worried about traveling is Baghdad (obvious) and India(they still report cases of the plague every year). As it was, I was a little too paranoid, and the girls learned that they would be going to Cape Town, South Africa, and Tyra joined them in their little impromptu celebration.

Our models weren't going to see their loft again, so they packed up everything and got on a plane to South Africa. For those of us who are Amazing Race fans, we got a very nice little plane travel graphic. I think it added a nice touch, even though it made it seem like there was a direct flight from LAX to Cape Town, which I don't believe is the case. It was so funny when I saw it, I had to share it with you(notice the great background music):

Click on the plane to play

And just like when the Amazing Race made it to South Africa, we were greeted with file footage. It didn't seem like it was a straight lift from the South African Tourism Board like the CBS producers gave us though. The girls seemed to be really enjoying themselves, well, except for Michelle. She has never really fit in with anybody in the house. She doesn't really relate to anybody, and although the girls don't pick on her, nobody goes out of their way to hang out with her, and I am sure that affects her mindset tremendously.

Still, if you want your team to like you, you need to have some people skills. While Keenya and Brittany are making jokes in the van, Michelle is trying to help them learn proper South African etiquette, like not pointing. Maybe you could have a conversation with Naima about the difference between culture and I am sure if you had a mobile or some wind chimes, you could get Kahlen to talk to you forever, but Keenya and Brittany are not the ones you try and engage in deep conversation.

Everybody eventually made it to a game preserve, and when they got there, the drums started playing. Brittany was really getting into it, and was trying her best to look good at dancing. In fact, everybody got to dancing at least a little bit. The rhythm didn't get to Michelle though, and she sort of just sulked at one end. We all know how badly she wants it, but she lets it consumer he so much she can barely function. Tyra bounces in (and do I mane BOUNCING in), and she begins to fill everybody in on how South Africa is an up and comer in the world of high fashion with everything from traditional dress to haute couture. After a little more explanation, Tyra bounces off, and left the girls to go on safari.

Safaris are cool, even if it is just Busch Gardens. When you are actually going out into the African bush, it is something special. The girls got started and the first animal they saw was a hippo. The guide mentioned that a hippo weights almost two tons, to which Kahlen said "That's the same amount as Keenya". Keenya was one of the bigger girls coming in, and I am not sure if she was confident with how she has been placing in the competition, but she has really let herself go, and it's not like she is struggling eating right and can't keep the weight off, she is simply pigging out all the time. Kahlen is so reserved, it was funny to see her make a joke, and just as funny watching her get so embarrassed after telling it.

The contestants went through the Safari using an vehicle that was pretty much open on the side. That was fine as they were going through the areas with the crocodiles, rhinoceroses , water buffalo and such, but when it came to go through the area with the lions, you could tell the girls wished they had a little more protection. They were told by their guide that they should be quiet and not make any sudden movements for fear of attracting the lions. That was practically an invitation for Brittany to make loud noises and sudden movements. She was having fun scaring all the other girls, and was enjoying listening to them say "Shhhh" whenever she said so much as a whisper. Then the lions started taking notice, and some of them were motioning towards the truck. Everybody was dead serious, but the truck got away and they were able to finish their tour without too many problems.

Until this time, we had no clue what Brittany's prize would be for winning the Los Angeles portion, but the girls found out soon enough. They stopped their travels in the middle of the bush somewhere near a camp site. Brittany, Christina, and Keenya would get luxury hotel arrangements, while Kahlen, Michelle, and Naima would get to sleep outside, AND they had to build their own tent. With Michelle and Kahlen on their side, the outdoor stuff wasn't all that hard, and while they others did get to sleep in actual beds, it appears the hotel was clean, but not THAT clean. There were bugs and roaches all over the place, and they even had to clean their hot tub from critters.

Everybody met up for breakfast, and Keenya continued to pig out. She says she is a fan of carbs, but she seemed like she was a fan of anything. But for all the shit she was getting from everybody else, she didn't seem worried. The girl who won from Cycle One had a little bit of a weight problem, so it's not like Keenya couldn't overcome it.

Keenya might have wanted to adjust that attitude when she learned of the next shoot. They all met Jay Manuel in a vehicle I can only describe as the Safari popemobile, and learned that they were going to be doing a shoot for Lubriderm and they had picked out an animal that they each looked like for the picture. Kahlen was a springbok, Christina an ostrich, Brittany a giraffe, Michelle a zebra, and Naima a cheetah. Oh, what about Keenya? What animal did Jay think she could portray? An elephant. Ouch! It would have been easier to be a hippo. After receiving a gluttony sin and an elephant photo shoot, you would think that Keenya might get a hint.

In addition to having to pose with some Lubriderm, the girls had to pose with a crocodile. As dangerous as it sounds, the cro looked almost drugged. It didn't move at all. Perhaps it was just trying to stay warm in the sun, but it didn't even flinch when Kahlen fell on top of it. This was a great shoot, and although everybody still needed a lot of instruction from Jay in terms of their bodies and faces, it seemed like there was going to be a bunch of strong pictures, and that was the case. Since there are only six, I'll include all of them:

I had a feeling it was going to be between Michelle and Keenya, they have just been talking about both of them too much for that not to be the case. And although Keenya was doing her best to eat her way out of the competition, Michelle seemed like she was determined to out worry everybody until they died. Again, she wanted it so bad, but her body language said she didn't want to be there. Naima even asked if she was feeling alienated while everybody was at dinner. Michelle couldn't even come up with the obvious answer to that question. Not a great way to integrate yourself within the group. Sure, it's hard to express your feelings sometimes, but this isn't the second week. Almost everybody is friends, and Michelle would have to get used to having everybody around. And while I think most of the reason why people don't like her is cattiness among everybody else, you do get more friends if you look like you want to be around.

For the judging, the girls were told they would get a chance to pose with five different objects, each representing a different emotion - anger, fear, aloof, passion, and happiness. They were told to use the props in helping them display the emotion. Anger was easy, and a lot of people got fear, happiness, and passion, but aloof was a disaster, and the judges were not interested in helping them at all.

In the end, we got a bunch of funny faces and poses, but the only exciting part was when Tyra asked Janice to help demonstrate passion to Christina, and Janice planted a big one on Tyra's lips, then wrestled her to the floor and tried to get her to make out. In the process, she flashed everybody her bare ass. Nigel looked like he was sporting half a chub, and asked to join in. When you are good at something, things just come naturally. For Janice, drunken tomfoolery is what she's good at. Actually, it was really great, so here is a second video clip:

Click on the two lovebirds to play

In general, the judges were very impressed with Kahlen, Naima, Christina, and Brittany. Kahlen had a great chameleon quality, and liked how Naima posed with every single ounce of her body, right down to her toes. Christina was a very good ostrich, but they are still trying to get some emotion out of her. As for Brittany, they told her that she had to be more alluring and less whoring. She went crazy to win the challenge in LA, but on camera they told her that her face looked best when it was relaxed.

That leaves just Keenya and Michelle. Keenya got a lot of shit for her weight. Tyra always advocates being healthy, but this is the modeling business and "you've got to fit into the clothes". She emphasized that they had to do a lot of retouching in the stomach, something that would never happen for somebody so young and experienced if she was on a real shoot. You have to be supermodel to let yourself go, and Tyra let us all know that she put in her dues, and now if something happens they'll retouch. I guess all that IBS has her slightly bloated.

Michelle's problem was not her look. The judges loved her features, but she is just always on the verge of breakdown. She can barely take it on the photo shoots, looks miserable during the rest of the time, and breaks down no matter what people say during judging. In the real world of modeling, she would have to get a lot tougher to make it.

The judges ended up choosing Keenya. They said that it would take a miracle to save either one of them from their flaws, but they felt that Keenya had a better chance. Michelle wasn't one of my favorites, but I was rooting for her as the underdog. Sure she had no business with a lot of those hot girls, but when the camera found her at the right time, she took some of the best shots of the group. If she wasn't such a basket case, she probably could have made it farther. As it stands now, I don't think she is going back to wrestling.

I Want YOU... To Barf

Carrie Underwood to America: All the wonderful animals and creatures under the sun love me, AND SO SHALL YOU, DAMMIT!

Little known fact: Bo Bice's mom was a senior in high school when he was a freshman.

Wow, Bo smells even through my Tivo.

An embarrassed Heather Locklear must feign interest in Anthony Federov. And Bon Jovi, but that's a whole other issue.

Stay back, Anne Heche! Stay back!

I'm still trying to figure out why the producers cut away to this woman during Anthony's judging. I guess he's popular in reserved, matriarchal circles.

I'm glad Constantine's brother could take time away from the morgue to chat with us.

For the love of god, somebody help Scott's dad!

Clay Aiken: making sickliness fashionable for America's dweebs.

President Palmer Pulls The Swoop and Squat

Well, it's the final stretch for 24. With about six episodes left in this spectacular season, it's time for the show to raise the stakes and pull all sorts of crazy, crazy stunts. Unfortunately, after a day that's seen a train explosion, a political abduction, a nuclear meltdown, an EMP detonation, and oh yeah, AIR FORCE ONE GOING DOWN, there's little left for the terrorists to do except revert to season two's failed baddies and set off a nuclear warhead in the bustling metropolis of... Des Moines? Yes, the terrorists have targeted Iowa, a state known for its caucuses, giant universities, and flatlands. What better way to screw the piggish Americans than nuking some prairie dogs. Do what you will to our elected officials, but LAY OFF THE CUTE ANIMALS!!! Jack Bauer never met a dead rodent he didn't want to avenge.

You know, considering that 24 has returned to the ole nuclear warhead gambit, it would be pretty cool to get Marie Warner back into the picture. After all, wasn't she the one who warned that greater things were in store for Jack two seasons ago? I always liked her nutty, brainwashed style (even after she killed poor Reza), plus what better reason to establish yet another CTU love triangle by bringing big sis Kate Warner back into the mix. Between Audrey's whining and Kate's incessant "Wait Jack. I don't understand!", you just know there'd be some craziness at the home base. Sadly, if there's anything the writers have trouble with, it's trying up loose ends. Some of us are still eagerly awaiting the return of Mandy, the deadly assassin who blew up an airplane one season, launched a biological attack on President Palmer the next season, and then disappeared into thin air, becoming just a mere footnote in 24 lore.

The good news is that at least some characters receive the back-from-the-dead treatment, as evidenced by the unexplained return of Mike Novick. I'm fairly sure we'll hear the backstory on him, especially as Palmer returns to the action, but I'm already getting way too far ahead of myself.

This week's episode began with the usual recap of essential events: a warhead is missing! Joe Prado knows some important information! President Charles Logan is a pussy! Jack likes breaking Prado's fingers! Yada yada yada. Anyway, we returned to the action as Joe Prado sat miserably in the CTU clinic, home of such medical disasters as Maya Driscoll's suicide and Paul Raines' paralysis. Luckily for him, his finger problem appeared to be somewhat manageable for the CTU clinicians; although, I'm not ruling out the potential for some sort of fatal digit accident. Until then, the biggest threat to Prado's health would be the suicide-inducing presence of Audrey Raines who popped into the infirmary to check on, you know, something. Prado may have been able to zone out into space with his morphine drip, but the rest of us sat in pain as we watched the increasingly needy woman complain that his torture was unjust. Does she even remember being abducted that morning? Shouldn't there be some kind of bloodlust in her heart by now? "You can't keep working outside the line and not expect consequences," Audrey snipped, apparently including her moronic temperament as one of those "consequences."

With his woman getting all testy and the terrorist sneaking away, Jack had become understandably annoyed. "You okay?" asked Curtis.

"Yeah, I'm fine, why?" replied Jack.

"Just asking," Curtis answered, adding "I realize that these days I am pretty much as cool or cooler than you. Just wanted to see how you were dealing with that." Actually, Curtis didn't say that, but he did successfully oust Tony from favorite sidekick role by reaffirming that Jack did the right thing with Prado. That's right Tony. Jack is A and Curtis is B; so you should just C your way out of this. Meanwhile, mere moments after Curtis showered Jack with sweet nothings, Audrey popped up again to give a suspicious / disapproving glance. I don't know if it could be possible, but I would really love for a random subway to burst through CTU and run her over.

Over at the White House, President Logan continued to weigh his options for torturing Prado. Unfortunately, he hasn't been the most decisive man, and he wound up asking seemingly everyone for advice, even Lupé, the night cleaning lady. Her vote was for Bo Bice though. Didn't really make sense in the context of the show. Mike Novick tried to get an answer out of the Prez, but the boss man simply snapped, yelling "Stop pressing me!" You know, after years of virtuous, steadfast TV Presidents, it's quite refreshing to have a nervous nelly leading the charge for once. You know you'll be in for fun times -- kind of like when a substitute teacher shows up one day in class.

Anyway, Mike Novick took a phone call from Buchanan and learned that Prado had already been tortured, compliments of the house. Unfortunately, this was sort of against the President's wishes. Well, just make something up, suggested Buchanan, but the New Mike Novick of 2005 was not about to head down the immoral road of lies and deception. "I won't deceive the President again!" he asserted, clearly still smarting from his unceremonious departure in season two. Buchanan then requested a word about the President off the record. "I'm concerned about his ability to lead us through this crisis," he said.

"I understand," replied Mike, hanging up the phone. Wait, what if he had more to say? You can't just hang up like that. Cut to Buchanan yelling into his phone: "Mike! Mike! What happened on Desperate Housewives? I forgot to set the Tivo. Miiiike!!!!"

Suddenly, the action dramatically shifted as a title appeared on the screen saying "CENTRAL IOWA". Uh oh. I smell some cow tippin' terrorism. Here's how it works. Somewhere in Iowa, there's a cow with a nuclear warhead in one of its stomachs. As soon as it gets tipped, the entire midwest gets blown to smithereens. Jack Bauer has twenty-four hours to find the cow and save it from bored teenagers and drunk farmers. Will America survive?

Actually, what was really going on was that the regional terrorist cell (Iowa Local #56) had stolen a warhead and was now activating it. The only problem: WOMEN. Yes, as always, some nosy broad has snooped where she shouldn't have. Meet Navila and Savir. She's a computer science doctoral grad. He's a terrorist. A match made in heaven! You see, Savir made a mistake. In the middle of his whole "terrorist" thing, he had spent one too many nights hangin' out with the ole cell instead of at home with Navila. So now she was suspicious, and when he disappeared earlier in the evening to go on a "business trip" to "Arizona", she naturally called his hotel and discovered that he had never checked in. That's because he went off to Iowa to intercept a nuclear warhead. Navila accused Savir of being a terrorist, and while he eventually got her to shut up, his buddies were not very pleased. This was all well and good, but until someone can figure out a way to get Behrooz into this mess, I won't be happy.

Back at CTU, Audrey was still angry over the Jack torture. This time she confronted Buchanan, asking how he could let Jack do such a horrible thing. Exactly what will it take for CTU to throw Audrey in a chamber and zap her with a Taser? And why must we spend so much time with her constant complaining? Why can't we see other characters like Michelle or Tony or Heller -- none of whom had even surfaced yet in the episode. Luckily for Audrey, she wasn't the only peeved person in America. Over in the White House bunker, Mike alerted the President that Prado had been tortured, despite not receiving clearance. With his ego wounded, Logan demanded Jack be arrested, despite the fact that at that very moment, Bauer was closing in on Marwan at a local club. Man, this new prez sure is pissy. He and Audrey should have a tea party together. And then maybe die.

When hearing news that the Secret Service had already headed out to apprehend Jack, Buchanan was furious, noting that CTU was just about to snag Marwan, or "Marwaaaaan" as he pronounces it. Meanwhile, a mile or two east of Downtown (which was remarkably well lit, considering it was supposed to be completely dark due to that, you know, EMP), Jack and his crack team of Curtis, Castle, and anonymous agents #465 - #472 surrounded a club that Marwan was allegedly inside of. Would they find him before Secret Service would arrive? That question would have to wait because now it was time to visit Uriplanet - aka the frozen world of Smirnoff Ice's new mascot, Uri. He was amusing, but I'm still waiting for the inevitable Yakov Smirnoff tie-in. The puns will be out of control. Anyway, three well-placed Uri commercials later (MUST... DRINK... SMIRNOFF... ICE...) and a quick reminder about the "swoop and squat" by Dennis Haysbert and All-State, we were finally ready to get back to the action.

Sure enough, good old Habib was in the dance club, but instead of grinding up next to some sweet infidel ass, he was in the basement recording basically a "Mwahahahaha" message to America. However, since Jack didn't know where the terrorist mastermind was, he had to infiltrate the ventilation system with the help of a robot camera. After a few minutes of improbable exploration, Jack's little gadget found Habib recording his message. Unfortunately, in true 24 style, the Secret Service popped up and demanded to take Jack into custody. Great. I guess it will only take a few seconds for this operation to go down the shitter. Sure enough, Agent Castle ran over to Jack's location, but Habib's eagle-eyed henchmen spotted him, and soon the fix was in.

Upon hearing news that the police were outside, Marwan suddenly turned around and looked into the air vent, possibly seeing the robo-camera. That was an odd thing to do. Maybe he had spidey-sense. Or at least robot-sense. Or maybe he's the craftiest villain EVER! Anyway, he and his posse fled from the room and into the club which was jam-packed with dancers. Um, do people normally go clubbing on days of mass terrorism? I guess they do in the world of 24. What's that you say? A nuclear meltdown? And the President might be dead? Wow. I just gotta dance, dance, dance!

Anyway, the CTU agents immediately swarmed the club, following Marwan and his crew down to a secret tunnel in the basement. Oh, and wouldn't you know it? The terrorists set off a bomb! Man, don't you just hate when they do that? Couldn't they switch it up once in a while? Maybe cast a net or hurl some tomatoes? Well, this bomb caused the tunnel to cave in. You know what that means, right? Cut to Tony Almeida: "Set up a two mile perimeter!" Ladies and gentlemen: we give you The Perimeter. CTU's fail-safe method to contain any and all terrorist threats! Oh, one thing though. Turns out the tunnel was connected to the sewer system. "Marwan's probably gotten past our perimeters already," said Curtis. NO!!! Someone got by the PERIMETER??? But it was a HARD perimeter! Wait, did somebody let a city bus in again? Because if that terrorist snuck out again by mass transportation, I will be very angry.

Amidst all this Chloe received a call from Navila, who in her paranoia, hacked into Savir's computer. To her dismay, everything was too encrypted to access, but she did manage to find the details of a suspicious looking microchip. After hearing this, Chloe soon deduced that it was a special kind of microchip only used on nuclear warheads. Just go with me on this. It made sense on the show.

Meanwhile, back in the field, Jack guilted the Secret Service agents as they tossed him in the back of the car. It was your fault Habib Marwan got away, said Jack, the same man who could have slashed Marwan's tires two hours ago in the desert. That's okay though. I understood his rage, unlike Audrey who most likely was writing an angry letter to Dr. Phil that very moment.

In D.C., the President learned that the sting operation had been bungled because the Secret Service had shown up in the middle of it. Oops. Logan uttered a few words and phrases like "I didn't mean" before turning surly and insisting that this wasn't his fault. Ah, but it was, and Mike Novick wasn't afraid to tell him so. Soon the President was a complete mess, and I half expected the scene to turn into Chinatown, with Novick slapping a bawling Logan, who'd merely reply with "She's my sister! She's my daughter! She's my sister AND my daughter!" Instead, the weak-at-the-knees president realized his incompetency and suggested that he resign. Unfortunately, that would be a PR disaster. What he really needed was someone to call the shots behind the scenes. Someone with experience in crisis. Someone with a sure hand and a firm resolve. Someone who's not afraid to stand in the middle of a busy street and talk about car insurance. That's right. President Palmer!

Mike Novick happily called up Palmer and alerted him to the latest disaster scenario -- the terrorists have a nuke. "My God! How??" asked Palmer, adding "Can All-State cover this?" Nevertheless, the virtuous ex-President happily jumped into his motorcade and announced he'd be at the White House as soon as possible. Man, he's probably gonna get all dressed up too. I was just getting used to CasualPalmer™.

After a commercial for "The Inside" (was I the only one who thought that looked fairly scary?), we returned to CTU where at the 43 minute mark for the episode, we finally had our first Chloe/Edgar badinage of the hour. Basically Chloe needed to use Edgar's computer, but he was busy using it to control the fabled perimeter. The two went at it like hissing cats with Chloe unloading lots of sass, causing Edgar to respond "That's a pretty rude attitude!" He then added, "I don't apprethiate tharcathm. I'm very thutheptible to inthendiary thlights. Now I'm thad."

Eventually Tony had to mediate between the two warring parties, ultimately allowing Chloe to use Edgar's system, or "thythtem" as he calls it. Unfortunately for her, she was unable to access Savir's computer through the network. Someone would have to go directly to Navila's house, conveniently located in Los Feliz, CA. Oh, and guess what? That person heading in to the field? One Chloe O'Brien. Yes, the hallowed rite of passage. Going into the field is kind of like the Bar MItzvah of 24. With the exception of Chase and Kim, characters that head out tend to return wiser, more mature, and at the very least, more kick-ass. Would it be time for Chloe to shine?

Probably not, considering what a basket case she was. On the ride over to Los Feliz (a commute that took about five minutes. Where exactly is CTU? How can people get to so many places so quickly?), Chloe seemed on the verge of losing it as she chatted with Edgar. The two shared a tender moment with Edgar peppering her with words of encouragement. Was this the blooming of another CTU romance? I'd like to think so. But then again, this is Chloe we're dealing with here. When Edgar told her that she was the best computer technician in CTU, she merely said, "I know." Personally, I was still wondering why she needed to head out to the field. After all, Savir's computer was a laptop. Couldn't a team simply retrieve it? Oh yeah. That's right. CTU tactical teams are incapable of doing ANYTHING right.

Luckily for Chloe, everything seemed to be okay as she and Navila browsed through the laptop. Chloe mentioned some more techno-jargon, noting that Savir had used a "blowfish algorithm." Okay, now they're just talking gibberish. I half expected Chloe to prattle on about the "Smoked Salmon recursive loop" and the "Baby Orca encryption tool."

Hey, remember what I said about the crack CTU security teams? Well, once again, Chloe's entourage went down like a sack of potatoes as one guy took out the entire crowd with his gun. Navila and Chloe ran for cover, and while they hid out in the laundry room, they called CTU, only to learn that a tactical team couldn't get to the house for another fifteen minutes. Why does it take Chloe five minutes to drive to Los Feliz, but everyone else fifteen? I guess you just never know with Los Angeles traffic.

Anyway, the nutso assassin went after the ladies who quickly ran for cover in the CTU vehicle. Luckily, it had bulletproof glass, which came in quite handy when the killer tried to, you know, shoot them. Apparently there were some weapons in the back seat, but a metal grate and a combination code prevented Chloe from reaching them. While Curtis worked to get the combo for her, the assassin finally stopped shooting at the bulletproof glass (he was a little slow on the uptake) and hopped into his own car to ram the two. Chloe and Navila took a few hits from the guy's SUV, but the action momentarily paused as some fat slob walked onto his lawn in a bathrobe and yelled "What the hell is going on here?" So he sleeps right through twelve gunshots, but the car he hears? And even if he did hear the gun shots, why would he just saunter out like that? Didn't matter really because he was dead in about two seconds, making him one of the most useless characters in 24 history.

After a great delay, Curtis finally relayed the code to Chloe, and as the killer revved up his engine once again, our grouchy computer technician suddenly busted out a machine gun and riddled her foe with bullets. The hour ended with Chloe standing proud and triumphant with her giant firearm, ready to kick some terrorist ass. RAHHH!!!!

What did you think? Were you happy to see Palmer back? Will Chloe suddenly bust out a windmill karate kick?

How Are Things Down Under?

We all love America's Next Top Model, but did you know that there was an Australia's Next Top Model. Well, neither did I until reader TLT from Melbourne alerted me to the fact this week. Exciting? Maybe. Worth posting on TVgasm? Not likely.

But wait! There's more. The girls get naked in one of the photo shoots and we were sent the video. No similarly uncensored bits have come available for America's Next Top Model, but I thought I would share some shots of the final four from Australia for those of you who were curious and, of course, Google. After the jump, nude(actually just topless) photos from Australia's Next Top Model (NSFW).

Click on Any Censored Photo to see the Uncensored Version

If you care, Gemma (top, right) wins.

I got the Blues, Clu

[Doing guest coverage of Project Green light is sg-dub. You can read his blog at http://weakisht.blogspot.com/.]

After last week's Prozac overdose inducing episode, I was hoping that Project Greenlight be a little bit less depressing in Episode 6. After all, the show made Entertainment Weekly's heralded "Must List" and is getting a small little buzz. TVgasm is recapping it, the New York Times has written a glowing review, EW is on board... Hey, Executive Producer Chris F'n Moore, how do you feel about all of this? "We need more people to watch the show... Project Greenlight is hurting now. Not because of the movie but because of the ratings of the show. Feast will turn out well but we need more people to watch. If you like Project Greenlight, tell a friend and get more people to watch. It would be a real shame if it turns out that we finally figured out the movie side and the TV show kills us..."

Damn, The John Gulager Low Self Esteem Curse is contagious. I'm trying my best to fight it myself - but I'm finding it rather difficult. Can't... Help... It... This recap is going to suck. I'm just not a good writer. I get embarrassed when I read stuff I've written. Sigh... It's hopeless. If Greenlight were on a major network, the term "Gulager" would have entered the national lexicon by now, as in, "Bob, your annual report was good - don't get all Gulager on me now," or, "Timmy if you don't stop your crying I'm going to go Gulager alone!" Although anything with "Gulager" in it would never have an exclamation point afterwards. The guy has never said a statement in his life that warrants such punctuation.

So with bottles absinthe and pills in hand, I fired up the TiVo to see what depressing things first time director John Gulager would pummel us with this week. The episode began with a 5:30 AM call time for Day 8 of Feast's filming. The pre-dawn start time was so Gulager could rehearse a bit with his actors for once. In the first scene to be shot, Beer Guy (Judah Friedlander of, um, Project Greenlight fame) was to be doused with the movie monster's projectile vomit. Thus fulfilling reality show rule # 11; Thy show must air at least one barf or pee scene. Poor Judah was the same guy who had the pleasure of shooting maggots from his nose last week. The director and crew took great pleasure in knocking the esteemed Mr. Friedlander off his feet with the voluminous pressure hose spray of green goo. Yet, even when he's laughing, Gulager looks like he's about to cry. What a sap. During the shooting, Friedlander came up with some lines that went something like, "Aaaaaahhhh... Uuuggghhhh... Eeeeaaaahhh!" At this, co-star Navi Rawat gushed, "Judah's ad libs were brilliant!" Yes folks, that is the level of cinematic genius we are dealing with here.

During this nonsense, Chris F'n Moore showed up to review some footage. Chris f'n liked what he f'n saw, mother f'er. Unfortunately, script supervisor Harri James did not. She (yes, Harri is a she and she could pass for Project Runway's superbitch, Wendy Pepper) lamented that the page counts were wrong as well as some other esoteric gobbledeegook that no one cares about. My use of the verb "lamented" was purposeful, for as you may have guessed, she was a close personal friend of Gulager. And if you are his friend, you certainly lament a lot. First assistant director Stephen Maloney was also grousing and complaining - about Harri. He was also beginning to take too much control over the scenes and confusing the actors - who to listen to? Experienced 1st AD Stephen who kinda sucks or 1st time director Gulager who totally sucks? (This is called foreshadowing, by the way.)

As the show went to commercial, I realized that all we ever see of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon anymore are on these bumpers. Can't they at least show up and lend some A-list support to the struggling cast? Sheesh, what a couple of pricks. Then again, some of the B-list (as opposed to the C and D folks) like Henry Rollins, Jason Mewes, and Balthazar Getty are only seen silently stirring in the background once in a while. Whatsa matter Rollins, afraid you're destroying any credibility you had for your show? (Seriously, click on the link and listen to his short little auto-loaded rant and then think about him being in Feast. "Irony. I-r-o-n-y, irony."

By now, those involved were starting to feel like poking their eyes out rather than watching the dailies. Taking metaphor to new heights, Friedlander did just that. Actually, the monster did it for him, but in a televised workman's comp claim, FX guy Gary Tunnicliffe really did gouge a giant fake claw into the poor actor's eye. Christ... Maggots up the nose, knocked down by vomit, eye nearly gouged out; and all for this crappy movie. Does he even have an agent?

Speaking of scenes going wrong, lovely Jenny Wade was the next victim of the special effect department. Gulager sheepishly mumbled something to her about her scene being, "kinda squirting a little thing." 2 minutes later and covered with fake blood, Jenny stormed off to go cry in her trailer. Forced into dealing with someone else's problems for once, Gulager trundled off to try and soothe things over. This ought to go well... Looking like a T. Rex with his stubby little arms bouncing in front of his rotund torso, Gulager stammered and stuttered about how, "the thing is, the thing is, um, err, it won't happen again, y'know?" His stubby little sausage fingers picked at his jacket and his eyes averted to the ground. Yup, there went the first swig of booze into my gut. This guy is killing me.

Back on the set, hi jinx were afoot. Ah, the ol' peanut throwing ruse. Throw a peanut, and then look innocent. The guilty party was 1st AD Stephen Maloney and his victim was the hypertensive script supervisor, Harri. Already on edge, this was the last straw - and she freaked out. Adding fuel to the fire, the scene they were filming was incongruous as the character Hot Wheels was seen breaking a rocks glass instead of the pint glass he had in the previous scene. Whose fault was it? Who knows, but Harri and Stephen really went at each other's throats. Gulager sulked into the shadows and ate an ice cream sundae. Yup, time for some pills.

That argument led to Harri's demise, as she was fired that night by Dimension films. (It could be said that by arguing, she committed "Harri Kari", but that would be lame.) As mentioned, she was one of John's handpicked friends so he was devastated. Well, ok, he was devastated long before this happened but I can't think of a word that goes beyond devastated. With his gravelly monotone, Gulager droned to her, "You were an ally on the set. I wanna have my little people to make my little movies. My little actors, my little script supervisor. Y'know?" Hey, if anything, the Little People of America's Lollipop Actors Guild now know where to get jobs. I was about to go for a good swig of booze, but he wasn't done yet. "Uhhhhhh, I wish I wouldn't have gotten people I know involved. Your heart can break or get smashed or discarded. There's gonna be pain." Glug, glug, glug, down the hatch.

But really, what are the chances another of John's handpicked cast or crew would have problems? Um, 100%? Clu, John's dad who was playing the role of the crusty old bartender, misheard the next day's call time and was found slumped over in a chair at 5:30 AM. He had been there since 4 and he was grumpy. Clu comes from the generation of professional studio actors and he takes his craft seriously. He enunciates in that old school Hepburnish vernacular and he represents a dying breed in Hollywood. After whining that he was "too old" to pull off a simple stunt, he and John discussed some viable alternatives. 1st AD Stephen interrupted to remind John that they had work to do but was met with a harsh reprimand from Clu; "Actor and director are working right now! Don't be so discourteous!" He kind of sounds like that unfunny Jon Lovitz SNL "I'm an ACTorrr" character. Stephen, with a funny accent of his own, ignored the old fart and continued to bother John. Hoo boy. Clu spouted off in a rage, channeling a little Salt n' Pepa and a little Satan, "We're trying to work this motherf*cker out! Stop f*cking with the actors the director, GODDAMNIT! What the f*ck is the matter with you?!" He continued, "F*ck you I won't do whatchya tell me... F*ck you I won't do whatchya tell me!" Geeze, I don't know what I'd do if my pops went off like that in front of me - but I know I'd at least say something. John Gulager? Dropped his head, slumped his shoulders, and shuffled off to a corner to check for lint in his pockets.

With such excitement on set, it was no wonder they were nowhere near "making their day." The director of photography expressed his concern over a scene's blocking and John, already fired up from his dad's outburst, shot back the following brutal retort: "Gotcha Mr. Smartypants, heh heh heh." He's lucky Clu didn't hear his totally pussy insult - I think he'd have meted out a serious beat down right there. And no one would have stopped him either - least of all John himself.

With all hopes of making the day now gone, tensions on set were higher than ever. As expected, John withdrew into his little pathetic passive aggressive world of depression and repeatedly mumbled to the crew, "Let's just do it your way. It doesn't matter what I think." God, he's like Rain Man when he gets all repetitively mopey and mumbly. The others were legitimately trying to get his input on the scene but he was beyond rational reason. "I don't care. It's your movie. Just handle it." He is the biggest 3 year old I've ever seen. And in case we forgot from last week, he reminded us yet again, "I just get bummed out." Yeah, so do I, John - every time you open your mouth. Speaking of open mouths, it was time to dump the whole bottle of pills into mine.

With half the bottle of absinthe left and my head spinning, I was eager to get to the end of the show. Surely they'd end on an upbeat note this week. Nope, not while John Gulager is still alive. When asked how his Day 14 went he replied, "It's f'ed." Ahhh, yes. You win an incredible prize and are partaking in a dream and you end each day with all the hope of Old Yeller. As many people do, John apparently feeds his depression fatty diner food so he gathered with his wife Diane and his dad, for some late night bacon and donuts. Maybe being around friends and family will cheer him (and me) up. "I'm pretty humiliated."

Diane countered, "It's a job, John."

"I'm just a buffoon. I just get embarrassed," he repeated as bacon grease dribbled down his neck fat. And what was I to do? With absinthe dribbling down MY chin, an empty bottle of pills, and a new-found vision of what it must be like to feel totally worthless, I went down to my basement and cried.

Why, John, why?

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That Was Easy! (Being an Idiot, That Is)

Man oh man am I behind in my recaps. I should really stop bitching and moaning, but in the spirit of reality TV, why not play the victim and make a giant drama? Well, I apologize again. I was hoping to tackle this recap last night, but after a transatlantic flight on American Airlines left me hungry (no more complimentary snacks? WTF???), uncomfortable (who needs legroom?), and sick of Mike O'Malley's big face ("Eye On American" never disappoints. At least the Chenbot was around to babble about Paul Anka), I was hardly in a state to write anything coherent. Thankfully, this afternoon I am replenished and full of snark, which is a good thing because this week's episode of The Apprentice was goofy as always. We didn't have our old firecracker Chris around, but luckily our wrath can now happily refocus on Craig and Alex, the underwhelming duo of mediocrity that have managed to fail upwards week after week. Unskilled workers advancing in a corporate environment? Wow, this show puts "reality" in reality TV!

The episode began with - you guessed it - more illogical guesswork as to who'd survive the Boardroom. There was a fleeting thought that Chris might get fired, but everyone revised their theories and instead targeted Bren. People, Chris has been on the chopping block about seven times in a row. How could it be Bren? Well, according to Tana, "He's just a big zero." Ouch. Say what you will, but the Tana-meister always knows how to kick off an hour with a harsh put-down. Let's not forget last week's assessment that Chris was a virgin while the rest of them were sluts. Next week I predict she'll simply call someone a "piece of shit" or maybe just vomit at the mention of somebody's name.

Anyway, Bren and Alex returned, and they quickly gave the blow by blow, noting how emotional Chris became upon firing. Tana expressed great concern as she asked, "He was choked up, but he walked out all right?" Yeah, he was all right, although I think he may have had something to do with that primal scream followed by the explosion down on the street.

That evening, Bren and Alex went to a local lounge and chomped on cigars. The heartstrings were tugging (okay, not at all) as Bren described how he'd found a new best friend in Alex. Huh? Where did this come from? I mean, Troy and Kwame -- those two were a pair. They were practically beating each other off by the end of every episode. But Bren and Alex? I guess this was all a setup to an inevitable boardroom showdown between the two. Playing your cards too early, producers.

The next morning, after Rhona placed her usual pre-dawn call, we were privy to the glorious site of our candidates washing up for Mr. Trump. The good news: we were spared seeing Craig on the shitter. The bad news: entirely too much Bren flesh. Imagine the Penguin from Batman Returns. Now imagine him naked. Yeah, it was that bad.

Anyway, we then moved onto The Donald (not naked, thank god) as he chatted it up with two Staples execs in his office. The new hottie secretary (watch your back Rhona) ushered in the candidates (including Tana and her sexy miniskirt) who quickly learned of their new task: create an item for Staples that would reduce office clutter. Sounds like a decent undertaking. Donald then of course told us that Staples is a THIRTEEN BILLION DOLLAR BUSINESS, and honestly, I expected him to turn to the little microphone and transmitter next to him and blare it out over all of New York. By the way, did anyone else notice that device on his desk? I imagine Trump probably has some sort of show on satellite radio. Either that, or he just really likes talking to truckers. Maybe he puts on a little cap and sings "Cause we gotta little ol' convoy, rockin' through the night. Yeah we gotta little ol' convoy, ain't she a beautiful sight?"

The teams quickly split up to figure out their game plans. We smelled insta-death for Net Worth as Alex volunteered to be Project Manager. Ah yes. Alex. The creative genius whose previous contribution to retail was the laptop sweatshirt pouch. What would he design this time? A sweatshirt to store clutter? I guess it would be part of his all-utility sweatshirt brand he's developing. I'm personally looking forward to the sweatshirt deep fryer.

Magna was in better hands - barely - with Craig, a marble-mouthed dunderhead who at the very least rose the the challenge once with his famed "Box" idea a few weeks ago. He immediately instituted a policy of "write down whatever idea you have", which was his passive aggressive way of telling Kendra to shut up. For those of you just joining The Apprentice 3, Craig and Kendra don't really get along very well. Surely this task would be a recipe for disaster. Craig explained to us his perspective on Kendra. "You've had your chance to lead the way you lead, and I want you to respect mine's." Wow, he is a bigger idiot than I ever thought. Say what you will about the street smarts team, but they have a wonderful ability to make up their own words. Take THAT, higher education! Why learn real, appropriate words when you can just come up with your own? To his credit though, Craig could have been referring to "mines" not "mine's" - as in, he wants Kendra to respect landmines. It's a noble concern.

Back at Net Worth, Alex and Bren arrived at Smart Design, a company that creates customized consumer products (think Sprockets meets Ikea). The first order of business was to call the Staples execs and get a sense of what they wanted. Unfortunately, cell phone reception conspired against Net Worth, and the two guys were left with some crackles, static, and eventually a voicemail box. Alex realized that he probably should have met with them face to face, but he rationalized his ineptness, saying "They're not a client. Just judges." Uh, actually, they ARE the client. After all, you are designing this item FOR them, right?

What Alex really needed to do was take control of the situation, and conveniently, Trump came on the screen with his weekly tip, which was "Take Control!" This was illustrated by him walking by a building and calling out to two men on scaffolding. "Do a perfect job! Do a perfect job!" he ordered. Uh, they're just getting rid of a dead pigeon. And it's not even your building, Trump. WTF???

Anyway, while the good ole boys of Net Worth struggled with their cell phone, Magna actually met up with the executives who emphasized the need for a simple, easy product. We then cut to a squirrel butt which may or may not have been the producers editorial reaction to Staples. Afterwards, the three headed into the office supply store and poked around. As usual, Kendra and Tana got to work asking shoppers what they needed around the office, and to their luck, they found what appeared to be Gunther from Friends moonlighting as an office manager. While he clued the gals into the wonderful world of plastic stackables, Craig literally wandered through the store like a small child searching for a balloon. The producers were kind enough to show the condescending image of him opening a desk drawer and watching transfixed as it closed ever so slowly. Yay, physics!

Office manager and Gunther: separated at birth?

Having no luck with the impromptu focus group was Bren who literally cold called offices and introduced himself as an informal survey taker (or surveyor, I suppose). Not only did he receive no feedback with this strategy, but he also showed absolutely no creativity. For some reason, he and Alex seemed to have this foggy notion that they were never to leave their office EVER. Just walk across the street and poll some people in a different building! Instead, Bren sat by the phone and let out one of his signature evil cackles. Man, I like Bren, but he has the potential to be very scary. I wouldn't be surprised if he ever led an angry mob with torches.

Anyway, with no market research, Bren and Alex simply decided to design their item. Alex drew a neat little sketch of a table with wheels and shelves, also known as a "desk". Suddenly, Fat Joe-ish music twinkled on the soundtrack as the Smart Design mafia shuffled into the room. The graphic designers (who I imagined were all named Jürgen) surrounded Bren and Alex, and I half expected them to shove around the two neophytes, maybe saying something like "You have to work for your umlaut here!"

"Our name is Jürgen. We shall turn you into an Ikea lamp now."

Over at Magna, Kendra complained that Craig had stolen her stackable idea. Technically, it was her and Tana's idea, and, well, was it really stealing? I don't like Craig very much, but Kendra's claim was a bit of an overstatement. Anyway, the final design was to take four stackables and arrange them in a square (except the stackables wouldn't be horizontal - or "landscape". They'd be vertical). The team headed over to Staples again to get supplies, and as they entered the front door, Tana happily chirped, "Get a little basket, huh!" What isn't she enthusiastic about? She could scratch her head and exclaim, "Oooh! That was a big itch! Glad I got it!"

Unfortunately for Magna, the simple task of finding supplies soon turned into World War III as Kendra wanted to use file folders whereas Craig didn't. In an interview, Craig spoke clearly and logically, saying that the judges would ask why there's a horizontal folder in a vertical stackable; so therefore it would be easiest to just not show the folder at all. But face to face with Kendra, he simply reverted to his usual babble of incoherence and Bill Cosby sounds. That didn't mean he couldn't be an effective asshole though. "We're gonna run this by you slowly," he told Kendra. Hey, wasn't this the same guy who couldn't figure out Kendra's Pontiac marketing scheme, even after she had explained it to him over and over again? Now he's acting like she's the dense one? Okay, maybe they're ALL dense.

Anyway, Kendra reacted to Craig's comment negatively, saying "That's condescending, and that's not very nice." Yeah, he was a big meanie! How could he talk to her like she's a five year old? Kendra then went off and sucked her thumb in the corner for ten minutes.

The next morning, Alex and Bren returned to Smart Design to see their newly created product. Alex was extremely enthusiastic, just barely containing the "Like OH MY GOD!" he so desperately wanted to let out.

Alex bubbles over with joy. But more importantly, what's the deal with the creepy guy checking out his package?

I was immediately distracted, however, by Alex's vintage shirt which appeared to be an old pilot uniform. Was he going to fly the desk off to Staples? Upon closer inspection though, the patches on the collarbone were in fact some sort of leopard print. Fab! But wait, then he turned around and revealed an entire patterned back. Two snaps and an air kiss for that!

"This leopard print makes me look F-A-B, so you can zip it, Bren!"

Having less of a happy morning was Magna which was ready to tussle one more time. Kendra and Craig battled over the file folder issue -- again -- causing Craig to brag that he'd been around workplaces longer and therefore knew better. Now, if I were Kendra, I would have just dropped the issue, but reality stars will be reality stars, which meant it was time for Tana to take a step back and let the wolves go at it. "You're condescending!" charged Kendra, causing an angry Craig to rebut: "You don't know what that means!" Uh, actually, wasn't your response the very definition of "condescending"?

Craig continued: "I've given you respect that you don't even deserve, young lady!" Not that he's being condescending or anything...

"Every time I've asked you to do something, you have told me 'no,'" replied Kendra.

"Every time? Listen to your use of verbage!" balked Craig, joining Chris in the ranks of misusing "verbage" instead of "verbiage", which in and of itself would have been misused as well (technically, it means "wordiness" and I'm pretty sure Craig was talking about "word choice"). Nevertheless, Kendra quickly revised her statement:

"Okay, ALMOST every time."

"Now you're a liar," responded Chris. And you're an IDIOT!

As for Tana, she simply sat back and bit into her baguette, letting out a quiet "Mmmm!" Once again, the never-dying enthusiasm...

Despite the confrontation, Magna put on big smiles for the Staples execs (Kendra likened it to being in a bad marriage that had died years ago) and commenced the presentation for their item which -- HOLY SHIT! That thing is enormous! It's like having a rotating toy chest on your desk! Anyway, Magna became very informercial-ish as Craig knocked over some pencils on his desk, adding to the crazy clutter around him. I like how people become so uncoordinated with these things. I once saw an informercial for a tape thingy that asked "Tired of those tricky tape dispensers?" We then saw some dumb woman with Scotch tape all over her hands and shirt. She didn't need a new tape dispenser. She needed a group home.

Anyway, with the pencils all spilled everywhere, Tana walked up to Craig and asked, "It looks to me like you need a lot of help here." Wow, was this going to be a porno? Sadly, no. (But if you add some hardcore music, it can get close. Listen for yourself.) We then watched as seemingly everything in the Staples store managed to fit in the stackable caddy. The execs seemed impressed, and so did the focus group of office managers.

Next up were Fric and Frac, also known as Alex and Bren. With great bombast, they introduced their rolling desk, which they had affectionately dubbed, "The Packrat". Alex then happily placed an electronic stapler on The Packrat, thus proving its ability to remove clutter. He then moved several piles over from a desk to the Packrat surface, saying "You can set a third stack. Or a fourth stack. Or a fifth stack!" Uh, how is that actually solving the clutter issue? Wasn't he just moving the clutter from one desk to another? To make matters worse, genius designer Alex made sure to house in-boxes and out-boxes under a plexi-glass surface. The only problem: the boxes didn't slide out. You had to actually lift up the glass, which might be a problem if you have a "third stack. Or a fourth stack. Or a fifth stack" on top. So basically, at the end of the day, they created a table.

Despite these design flaws, Alex was still confident in his creation, boasting, "This is a brand new approach!" Suddenly there was a timpani crash - literally - on the soundtrack (was a tribal ceremony beginning?) and the office managers began their questions. Mostly, people took issue with the in-box/out-box scenario. Why have it under the glass? Alex babbled some excuses, saying that this way, people could do their work and still see their inbox under the glass and remember "Oh, I have stuff in my inbox!" Of course, if the Packrat were to become, I don't know, cluttered with piles, people might not see through that glass. Besides, how would someone NOT see their inbox if it were just on top of their desk and in the open?

Still, Alex was not going to let all these haters rain on his parade. He had too much pride (Hmmm... "pride"... "parade"... I feel like I'm closing in on something...). When Trump surfaced, Alex announced that "we killed them [Magna]." Without hearing anymore, we then knew for sure that Alex and Bren had lost (elementary Mark Burnett misdirection), and sure enough, they did. As a result, Magna won a breakfast with Carolyn and George high atop Rockefeller Plaza in the Rainbow Room (although, on that morning, it looked more like the Thick Fog Room. Shut up, WEATHER!). There wasn't much that was notable about the breakfast of champions except that George once again sat back and began telling stories. I love when Grandpa shares!

Eventually though, it was time for the Boardroom. Trump immediately grilled Alex about the product design, noting the idiocy of the plexi-glass surface. Alex defended it, saying that the Pack Rat was good for two periods of work: morning work would go on top, and the afternoon stuff you could remember because you could still see the stacks under the glass. Huh? Exactly how short term of a memory does Alex have?

George particularly hated the in-box/out-box under the glass feature. Why not use a drawer (THANK YOU)? Even worse, "All you see when you put it in there is what's on TOP!" he barked. Man, he was feisty. Later, when Carolyn questioned Alex and Bren's faith in the product, she had to actually shush George, lest he bring up the old soda jerk again. "Back in my day, we didn't have Packrats! We had milk crates. And if you didn't like them, too bad! That was an extra nickel for me!"

The axe seemed to be swinging towards Alex, especially after Trump declared "You started off so strong and you're finishing weak." But then Bren just had to open up his trap. "I definitely have trouble taking risks," he confessed, a comment so moronic that the only reaction came from George, who simply said "Heh." From that point on, Bren was pounced on by not just Trump & Co., but Alex as well. Asked why Bren should be fired, Alex noted, "When I graduated high school, I was top twenty-five in the world for eighteen year-olds for ski racing." So apparently Bren won't be able to keep up in the all-important slalom portion of Trump's organization?

Alex then went on a tear about all the risks he's taken - from going to law school (not very risky) to studying in Israel (okay, risky) to serving as a lobbyist in DC (again, not risky). Bren merely sat quietly, much to the dismay of Trump. "Branson went after me. I killed him. Cuban went after me. I killed him," The Donald said, adding "Coming after me is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR industry. That's why I created clones to come after me, and guess what, folks? I killed them all!"

In the end, Bren's remarks about risks and his inability to defend himself with passion caused him to get the pink slip. Alex hugged his BFF tightly in the lobby, saying "Love you, bro." He then added, "Seriously, I like LOVE you. Maybe a little butt sex before the elevator? Just throwing it out there. No? Okay, that's all good."

Now we're down to the Final Four, but with three weeks to go, I find myself slightly confused. After all, don't we narrow down the field to two contestants this week after a round of corporate interviews? And then from there, aren't we immediately into the final task? Maybe this season we'll whittle it down to three people before the big interviews. Either way, can't wait! (Picture a still frame of me jumping in the air).

What do you think? Would you get the Desk Apprentice? Is Craig dumb or is he brilliant?

From Shallow Vagina to Mr. Nice Guy

In my recap last week, I documented on how I believed I had come up with the answer to Ryan Atwood's problem. I suggested that he had a shallow vagina, and I think I made a good case. He is unnaturally pissed off at everything and was generally quite unlikable. Notice the past tense on the last part of that sentence. The writers of The OC continued their streak of fixing things that made the show suck by doing a little remake of Ryan Atwood. When we saw that Trey confessed to dealing drugs at the rager last week, we though Ryan would condemn his brother for life. It turns out quite to the opposite. Ryan not only believes that his brother had nothing to do with it, he wants to find the people responsible and keep his brother out of jail.

Trey was allowed to stay in Sandy's custody, and when he returns home, he is just as surprised as we all are to see that his brother is actually speaking to him. I am not sure if Ryan was sincere, or if he just wanted to prevent somebody else from taking credit for saving Marissa, but they decided that they were going to have to find out who exactly sold the drugs at the party. As Seth said, it was pure 21 Jump Street and he wanted to be Richard Greico. I always love a good Richard Grieco joke, they are almost as good as a good Ian Zeiring joke. This episode is off to a great start already.

Now, only last year, Julie Cooper would have been a little more than slightly upset to return home and see her daughter had thrown a party, drugs were involved, and somebody left in an ambulance. But now is not the time for petty anger. Julie has other things to be worried about, like how she is going to win back her husband. She tells this much to Marissa, who is kind of mortified to think that her parents are parents are having a "party for two" and the ideas of what Julie is going to do to Caleb and his wrinkled old balls so he won't divorce her mom is probably too much to bear. Just writing that sentence took a lot of will power.

At school, Zach is talking with Summer. Although Summer dumped him in one of the harshest ways imaginable, they seem to be good friends. Zach actually seems to enjoy watching Seth destroy his relationship, in sort of a "You left me for him?!" sort of way. Any sort of bullshit in their relationship she pretty much deserves. Summer is having trouble coming up with words to describe what a jerk Seth is that she is starting to resort to a word of the day calendar to get things correct. As funny as that is, we all know that summer would have the word of the day e-mailed to her cell phone as a text message, and not rely on calendar to bone up on her Seth-bashing vocabulary. Besides, you can't have a Far Side calendar and a word of the day calendar on the same desk, that would be a little too much.

But this is Seth, and he is so very, very thoughtful. He not only has a flower hand picked for Summer, he has a perfect chance for them to have some alone time. Death Cab for Cutie is playing at the Bait Shop and Seth has ticket. Seth would never miss a Death Cab concert, right? Well, it turns out that they have another meeting with Reed, as Zach is quick to point out. I am not sure about you, but I am starting to believe that Zach is now out to get Seth. After Seth called him a coffee buyer and implied homosexuality, Zach is starting to passive-aggressively cause trouble in the Seth/Summer relationship. I always thought Zach was a good character, and now that it looks like he has a backbone and is not going to let Seth walk all over him, it's even better.

As Ryan is getting to school, he sees Marissa and ask her how she is. He starts asking her about who could have had drugs at the party. Marissa isn't sure, but she knows that Kyle Thompson, a water polo player, was at the party and is known to sell drugs. By coincidence, it was his girlfriend, Jess Sather, who ended up in the pool. Marissa used to be friends with her, so she attempts to get some information from her. When she goes up to her, Jess sort of wonders why Marissa is talking to her, but when she learns that she is just trying to score some drugs, Jess says that Marissa might be able to find somebody selling at the Death Cab concert that night.

Speaking of Death Cab, we all know that it is Seth's favorite band. It would take a lot for him to miss a concert, so when we see that he travels to Silver Lake for a meeting with Reed, we know that he is seriously conflicted. Reed wants the meetings in Silver Lake (the place they went to looked a lot more like Los Feliz) because they want to go over the notes she made with the other executives about the Graphic Novel - Atomic County. The project is rapidly turning from Seth's dream of creating his own masterpiece to something that is so muddled with corporate interference, he doesn't know what it's going to turn out to be in the end. The meeting is not only running long, but they want to throw him a party to meet even more people, and they want to see Summer. Seth has no idea how he is going about explaining that one.

Although Trey would really like to help in his own defense, at least when it comes to finding out the people who were selling drugs, but Sandy says they need to work on his defense for the courtroom. That leaves Marissa and Ryan to do the surveillance. These two have been working well together the last few weeks. The acting isn't great, but the scenarios work. In this case, both of them are trying to get some information on Kyle Thompson. Ryan has no luck when he goes up to Kyle and asks him about the party, and I am not surprised. Ryan had narc written all over him. You don't just go up to a drug dealer and ask him about the business, especially when he doesn't know why you know him. Mention a name or something. Thankfully, Marissa has more luck with Jess (with an assist from Summer), and finds out that there is going to be a party the next day and she is going to have a good chance of scoring some stuff the next day.

Saturday is a really big day. Kirsten and Carter are going to travel to wine country together. They didn't plan it that way. It was supposed to be a foursome with Sandy and Erin, the hot orthopedist. But Sandy is working on Trey's defense, and Erin all of a sudden cut it off with Carter, seemingly out of nowhere. The wine tasting is going to be for the magazine, and they need some content, so Carter and Kirsten drive together. As you might have guessed, these two were absolute lushes when they got there. Once you taste you usually spit it out. I have done a survey, and I think about 2/3 spit and the rest swallow. I think most guys prefer the ones who swallow. Oh, we're talking about wine tasting? Sorry about that. Anyway, we knew that these two were never going to get through a whole tasting session without swallowing about, oh, 90 percent of the time.

Eventually, Kirsten and Carter were so drunk that they couldn't even think of driving home. They ask for a driver, but are told that it would be too hard to find one to Orange County. Instead, they are given the choice of a hotel suite. With really no choise in the matter, they decide that would be a good idea.

Julie Cooper is also worried about her Saturday. When Caleb returned home the previous night, she decided that she was going to get all American Beauty on him and cover their bed in rose petals. He didn't quite get the eroticism of it all, and wondered if "it was from one of your movies". Ouch. Caleb says that they need to talk the next day, but he wants to speak with his lawyers first, and doesn't want to see Julie. That can only mean one thing, a divorce is on the way.

Completely dejected, Julie goes to Lance for some comfort. Once again, Lance floats the idea past Julie about killing Caleb. He says he can sneak into his house when Julie is away and give him medicine to cause a heart attack. I think it's an interesting idea, but Julie says that she isn't a murdered and neither is Lance. Yet she decides to write him a check anyway, I guess it's the thought of killing your husband that counts?Instead, Julie writes him a check, to get him to leave, and then leaves. On her way out, she gives him a small peck on the lips, and we see that somebody has followed her and taken pictures. Is it Caleb getting some more information? Is it Lance going for another set of blackmail evidence?

During "the talk" with Caleb, Julie pleads her case. "I put everything into this marriage" she says, apparently forgetting she had that whole affair with her ex-husband before Marissa caught her. I thought it would be too little too late, but Caleb actually believes that Julie is somewhat sincere. He says he wants to give it another chance. This is quite the about face from what we were expecting Caleb to do, which is go ballistic and throw the bitch out of the house. My feeling is that since Julie has her name on a check to Lance and a picture of her kissing Lance, it won't be that hard to frame Julie for many, many things, including a perhaps botched attempted murder of Caleb? I have no inside info, that's pure speculation.

For Sandy and Trey, Saturday was a chance to set the record straight on a number of things. Sandy knew where the judge liked to eat breakfast on the weekends, so he took Trey there, hoping that once Trey was a real life person and not just a rap sheet, the judge would be lenient, and perhaps settle for probation. The judge wasn't really up to listening, and having three daughters of his own, probably could care less if Trey was all that innocent anyway. So it pretty much looks like Trey is going to jail, but Ryan and Marissa, fill him in on a little alternate plan. They know who sold the drugs, but they have to catch him in the act. All they needed was somebody to play Richard Grieco.

Well, Seth wanted to be Richard Grieco, but he had another graphic novel party to attend in Silver Lake. He brought Summer along, even though it looked like she didn't want to be there, most likely because he thought she could share his misery. And oh what a misery it was. Call me old-fahsioned, or uncultured or whatever, but I just can't stand these hipster parties. All it takes to have a good part is some booze and some tube tops. It's not that hard. So whenever I see that a party is going to be over in that area, I know that I am going to have to come prepared, and by prepared, I mean ragingly, blindingly, stop sign humpingly, mooning cars in the middle of the street drunk. You just know the people throwing the party aren't going to help you because they are likely only serving wine, some Bombay Sapphire, and something else that you need a recipe for, like home made cider (OK tastes good, not too potent though).

It's too bad for Summer, but she doesn't like to get drunk. It surely would have helped her survive the party. Not helping matters was Seth, who despite despising what everybody was trying to do to his comic by changing plots and whatnot, had no problem soaking up all of the attention. Eventually, enough was enough for Summer. She said she hated the stupid hipsters and wanted to go home, but Seth was reluctant to go. People were talking about movie deals and television series. It was going to be great.

Zach was just soaking all of this in. He patiently waited as Summer grew angry, and then Seth was pulled away for a board game (another annoying ritual of hipster parties - idiots who want to share their love of obscure or offbeat hobbies. I mean, I love Balderdash as much as the next person, but I don't whip it out at random during a party). Zach motions to leave, and Summer decides to go with him. She has no idea how long Seth is going to be, and she isn't interested in anything he or his new friends who spent the last few hours ignoring her may think. As Zach leaves, he flashes Seth a devilish smile. Looks like there is more than one person smitten with Summer, and he isn't going down without a fight.

The real action was at Kyle Thompson's big party. This was a party done proper like. There was even a bouncer at the door, although it looks like the only bounce he could have pulled off that evening was if you gave him a box of dryer sheets. Marissa gets in because, well, you always let the girls in, but Ryan has to make use of the side door to get inside. Sneaking in was a nice little touch, but quite obviously a party that size somebody would be guarding the door, so Ryan would have to go through a window, but that is just a minor thing. Ryan has to keep his distance from all of the dealers because they have already seen him get denied at the door. This involves a lot of "undercover" work pretending that he is there with Marissa (well, I guess he is actually there with her), so they pretend to be a couple, which means that they once again do the "oh, our bodies are so close, must.....kiss....now....." with a little interruption just at the end.

Marissa sees Jess, who is on the ever popular shroom-ecstasy double whammy, or candy-tripping as the kids call it. She tells Marissa where she can buy the drugs, and tells her that she'll even get a discount for her first purchase. These drug dealers, they're just like the Gap Card. While Marissa is going to make the buy, Ryan calls in to Sandy. Sandy and Trey had been waiting outside of the party as the backup. There, they got a chance to discuss many things, like when Kirsten called in to say that she was spending the night in Santa Barbara because she was too drunk. Sandy was understanding, but Trey was mystified on how he could trust somebody so much. You learn a lot in twenty years of marriage, and I guess trust is one of them.

But really, they were doing backup work. Ryan put in the call, and that put in the next phase of the plan, but first he had to make sure Marissa was OK. Kyle did his drug dealing by the beach, and when he makes the exchange with Marissa, he says that he wants a little good loving on the sand. Marissa and water polo players is sooooo summer season one of the OC, so she isn't having any of it. When Kyle doesn't take no for an answer, Ryan rushes in to throw a few punches. It looks like there is going to be some real problems, when out of nowhere, a bunch of Newport beach patrol trucks arrive onto the scene. There's Sandy and Trey, riding along to observe. Trey even slams the door into Kyle's head when he tries to get up.

Kyle tries to deny everything, but of course all of the evidence leads to him. Trey's arrest is thrown out (the judge also happened to be awake for a ride along) and Ryan and Marissa drop him off at his apartment. After he is inside, they take another long look at each other. They have been waiting for this resolution for a long time, and you think they are about to play pack the salami in Sandy's Bimmer, but Ryan says that he ha a more romantic place in mind - the pool house. I am sure it must be a great location to score some tail, but I hope he locks the door this time, as Seth is going to be be interrupting pretty early the next morning to complain about how he messed up with Summer.

There is one more late night hookup that nobody saw coming, or at least I didn't see coming. No, it's not Kirsten and Carter. The people at their hotel finally found a car to take them home that night and so they didn't have to share a room. No, it's not Summer and Zach. While I believe he is still trying hard to sabotage Seth's plans with Summer and make her see what sort of stability she left when she broke up with him, it's still a little too early for that. It was Jess, our drug-addled party girl who got Trey thrown into jail when she was found passed out in the pool, but is now coming to do him a few favors. She really appreciated how Trey didn't implicate her in any way, and she wants to show him some appreciation.

I am not enamored with the whole Kirsten and Carter story line, as I think it is too forced and makes Kirsten seem a lot more malicious than I think most of use have believed her to be. That being said, there is a lot of other good things going on. The Zach/Summer/Seth triangle should have a nice head of steam. You just know that Seth is going to find a way to piss her off even more. Ryan and Marissa are back together, but you know there will be a twist that pulls them apart somehow towards the end. And then there is this whole thing about Trey and the possibly underaged Jess. They didn't coin the term "jailbait" for nothing. With the abundance of interesting things going on, I am even going to pull back and say that Ryan Atwood might possess a normal sized vagina.

"Hey!" Count: Episode - 12, Season Total - 263

Les Moonves Hates Us...

by madeyoulaugh and J-Unit

Had god made the 8th plague viewing LOCUST's rather than actual locusts, Pharaoh would have let his people go before the second Enzyte commercial.

So imagine the made for TV movie of the week genre is a barrel. Now within that barrel, there are the I KNOW MY FIRST NAME IS STEVEN's and TAKEN's floating near the top, a 10.5 hovering near a SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK at the lower level, but beneath all those, at the bottom of the barrel is the thick sludge of the that barrel. It's so thick and sludgy than even a high pressure water hose, solvents bleaches and latino day labor couldn't get the barrel clean. In short, it ruins the barrel forever tainting anything ever placed into said barrel. Yes, CBS has forever ruined every movie of the week by making Locusts. And as therapy we are sharing our moment by moment recap misery with you, to dilute the pain.

9:00 The flick starts off with an establishing shot of a building with X-Files style typing along the bottom of screen....oh this is going to be crap!

9:00.09
CBS' version of a sexy underaged teenage mid-drift showing lab assistant for some reason invited her boyfriend to make out by the locusts. But first, she needs to feed the locusts a plant. If only there were written directions she could follow on how to place a plant in front of a locust...

9:01
She's reading the directions step by step on how to feed locusts. She follows them word for word, except for the part about putting on a safety suit...less than 90 seconds in....this is going to make Spring Break Shark Attack look like Schindlers List.

9:03
Sans protective suit our belly showing dream teen sachets into a lucite box filled with flying locusts, and then freaks out when they begin to fly around and touch her. I'd question the logic but, she showed her belly button so I guess it makes sense.

9:03
Teen dream gets pulled out of the swarming box of unruly unwieldily locusts just before the locusts....ummm....just before they...uhhh...raped her! Yeah! They were just about to rape her, but luckily she was rescued by her boy toy in the nick of time. Thankfully none of the Locusts escaped the box during the 45 seconds the door was wide open. They may be carnivorous, mutant, raping locusts, but they respect the boundaries implemented upon them.

9:05
It's Sunday night, I don't live with mom, I've had real sex, and yet I am watching a movie which just boasted on the screen "Starring Lucy Lawless." I think I just had my 1st TVgasm of the night and I haven't even see Xena yet!!!

9:06
We first meet Xena...sorry wrong show, she's n agriculturalist in this one, my mistake. Eh hem, we first me Dr. Xena while getting dressed after a post coital moment with Mr. Xena....sorry "Dan" her boyfriend. CBS has been dying to put a nipple back in its primetime lineup and decided, what the hey, it's only a Xena nipple. Not like she doesn't show it off all the time anyways. and here it is. Xena in panties. and see through bra.

This puts the Xena nipple counts at1

9:07
Xena nipple count - 2

9:08 Dr. Xena learns from Dr. Axelrod that Lab C-12 holds the locusts.

9:09
DR. Axelrod: Basically I created an indestructible locust that multiplies 4 times faster than regular and lives twice as long. In retrospect I probably should have used puppies. I mean, locusts? What was I thinking? thats just silly.

Put this mask on. What for? I had a burrito, extra chipolté...sorry

9:10
After Dr. Xena yells at Axelrod for his creation of a dangerous biochemical weapon (i.e. grody bugs), Axelrod decides not to tell her about the other labs. In lab C-13: gangstas resistant to bullets and in C-14: a strain of AIDS transmittable by thinking of someone else. And the creme de la creme C-15: the Elven Thief with +5 Chain Mail, +5 Mythril Helmet, +10 damage, and +5 magic defense. All your Magic the Gathering Tournaments are belong to us!

9:11
Dr. Xena "We don't even want one of those things getting out!" Hey, isn't that one of those, eh, you know, em, whatyacallit, foreshadowing dealies?

9:12
Sometimes writers and directors go unnoticed, their work blends seamlessly creating an immaculate flawless film. Yes, sometimes, the best directors make choices so subtle, like gods breath, it is in its simplicity you find nirvana.

Dr. Xena says "You're fired!"...and flames engulf them...I shit you not. That was the line she said just as the flames appear on the the screen from below. Some directors use the subtlety of God's breath. This guy used the subtlety of Tom Arnold's anus on Chili day at the set of Best Damn Sports Show Ever...

9:12
Locust pun of the night -Dr. Xena "You wouldn't believe what I flew into." It made no sense, since she didn't fly anywhere. It was as if we were expected to accept that's just the cool hip lingo.

9:14
Mmmmmm, when Dr. Xena is trying to avoid an intimate moment with Mr. Dr. Xena, she knows just what to say..."I have another dead pigeon with west nile in Napa." Now where have I heard that one before...Mr. Clinton to Hillary perhaps?

9:15
Rich people will pay a fortune for locust suppository bullets. For the Department of Defense, it is just another nifty biological weapon.

9:16
The Mohammed Atta of the Locust world gives his own life flying into the eye of a driver causing his imprisoned brethren to go flying out of the jeep and under the wheel of a passing 5 ton. The locust holy warriors declare Jihad on the fields of America!

9:17
Xena nipple count 3

9:17
Xena sees the word pregnant on the tester but must confer with the EPT box to see what that means. If only it were simple, like a magenta dash for preggers or 3 blue dot hieroglyphs for not preggers.

9:18
Oh the wicked irony...Mr. Dr. Xena has just found a new way to grow fields of plantage. Enough to feed a nation of africans. SNAPS!

9:20
Dildo factory of Vernon, INDIANA. Where her gramps is farmer. Fortunately his cell phone ring can be heard over the rumbling of his tractor.

9:22
"Not in the butt!! Not in the butt!!"

9:24
Only one illegal day laborer saw the swarm of locusts coming. The rest of the illegal day laborers ran cause they know, you see Luis run, you don't stop him to ask why, you run until you can smell America....

9:27
Casting for the new TEEN POPEYE movies' Olive Oil began and ended with the appearance of Jon Heard's daughter.

9:29
Writers "out of touch with America's youth" moment of the night:
11 year old boy describing the locust sound "It kinda sounds like baseball cards on bicycle spokes." I was thinking they sounded more like Topo Gigio's clearing his throat, or the buzz from the Colgate Comedy Hours' neon sign. Either way, it sure was neat-o!

9:39
Xena Nipple Count -4

9:39
Locust Advisory - Mutant locusts hump wood!!

9:40
Xena nipple count 5

9:41
Who knew the secretary of defense was Ted Theodore Logan(audio clip)?

9:41
Either the script supervisor screwed up continuity or Dr. Xena's nipple tore her shirt, forcing to change. Either way, I still see nip.

9:42
Xena Nipple count - 6

9:43
Good to see Jase Wirey being employed on television. It might not be the sitcom he was hoping for, but there is no such thing as a small part, just small actors.

9:45
"Yeyah, wail, I gots ones of thems too. Only it dun say FBI, Femayle booby Inspector."

9:48
Evidence this script may have been written in 1995: "He is all that" say's one woman "and a bag of chips" quips her sassy coworker.

9:49
Just as J-Unit and I thought our abs had the workout of a lifetime from the bag of chips comment, the writer ensures our solid six packs by actually writing, in a non satyrical way "Hoochie mama."

9:51 Slutty co-worker #1 blows out her birthday cake and immediately one coworker notices "That is one funky cloud.." left on the cutting room floor..."bitch, what the hell wish did you make?"

9:53
Dr. Xena announced the worst case scenario has come to fruition. The movie is a two part mini series?!?!?!!! "They've turned carnivorous." Oh thank god!

9:55
Proving in a Les Moonves theologian society, each member of society knows the bible verbatim, dreamy guy quotes revelations....and his head spins around and he vomits split pea soup.

9:53

OH NO THE LOCUSTS ARE EATING THE CAKE!!!



OH NO THE LOCUSTS ARE EATING THE SALAD!!



OH NO THE LOCUSTS ARE EATING THE SHREDDER!!

Many people would have stopped after the first hour. After all, it's not like we are going to have to wait that long for CBS to come out with another shitty movie of the week. But we were already invested in this movie. Will Axelrod's daughter make it out of the coma? Will the locusts destroy the world food supply? Will the army use VX nerve gas on the entire country in order save the heartland from the bugs (I didn't make that one up, I swear)? Will we get any more XENA nipple? These are answers you only find by watching the entire movie, and although it took us approximately 90 minutes to watch the first hour, we charge on.

10:01
Excuse me, but I will need to inspect your wife's female boobies...It's ok, I have a badge.

10:06
Senator Clausen also quotes revelations, these are the same people who try to get sloshed on egg nog at the company christmas party just to see what happens. Lesson to be learned, don't study the bible, it'll only make you suck.

10:07
During a presentation to the joint chiefs of grass, Dan motions to his powerpoint presentation. In light of todays events, will someone please turn off the damn locust screen saver???

10:08
"Hand of god blacked out the sky." OK OK We get it, locusts, passover weekend, revelations, enough with the bible references.

10:08
The locusts are blamed for "creating a lengthy commute for motorists in southern California, like they've never seen......or will see again, until April 28th - 30th when Cher will be playing The Hollywood Bowl. And why does the news correspondent look like Guy Pearce?

10:09
The natural dialogue of the characters is the only thing really keeping this script so tightly weaved together. Dr. Xena: "They are formidable foes." hmmm....at least we saw her nipple.

10:10
A fatigued Dr. Xena is faced with telling the truth. Mr. Dr. Xena: "Are you sick?" Dr. Xena: "No, I'm pregnant." On a very special locusts...Dr. Xena is pregnant.

10:19
The new PSP, with locust tracking (not available on XBOX or GameCube)

10:22
"But, guys, I didn't have the chipotlé on the burrito. Guys? Guuuys? Stop being dicks!"

10:25
The woman empowerment award of the night goes to Dr. Xena's delivery of, "I am pregnant and hormonal and you don't want to cross this mother!" I'm curious at what point in the script while she was reading this it could have occurred to her that maybe her agent just hates her.

10:40
Fifteen minutes of sheer crap have just gone by J-Unit and I are both sitting mouth agape. In a nutshell, some of the swarm of locusts flew into a big zapper giving them the idea to create a giant bugzapper out of a metal wheat mill. Axelrod needed to run out in the swarm to pump fuel for gas well and was of course attacked and barely made it back to the mill before they killed him. So they make it a bug zapper zap the locusts, who die and then....Look, if your going to make a movie about swarms of mutant locusts, you need a brilliant ending, not a fucking bug zapper! WHERE IS A DAMN XENA NIPPLE?!!!? Anyways, the locusts wound up killing Axelrod and as you can see by the photo, the cause of death, bloody face and swollen eye.

Tell....my wife and daughter...I....loved....locusts.

10:47
Which is a better question "How do we create the biggest damn bug zapper the world has ever seen?" or "How, as a paid actor, do you go to sleep at night knowing you make a living trying to make shit like 'How do we create the biggest damn bug zapper the world has ever seen?' not sound like crap?" You decide.

10:50 The locusts, how can we be sure they fly close enough to the power lines? Fortunately Dr. Xena's flashback teaches us they are attracted to bright lights (thank goodness cause there's only 10 mins left). What can we glitter up that the Locusts will see from 1000's of miles away and draw them into the power lines?? Body glitter on Dr. Xena's nipples?

10:50
Xena nipple count - 7

10:51
Nope, they decide to use weather balloons flying at altitudes of up to 20 feet in the air, locusts are sure to see those, especially when they are dressed up like a drag queens bathroom.

10:51
At this point I think I am just pissing off J-unit. The whole premise is they will eat all the leaves, all the blades of grass, all the wheat and then will begin to eat the humans. Scary true, but when they show the swarm flying to go kill our heroes, they are flying right over perfectly good grass, and fields, and a bunch of tasty shit they could eat. They eat everything except this great crop where they have been sleeping. I've been bitching about it all night. Am I wrong or does the grass there negate any sense of mortal danger in this flick?

10:53
Xena nipple count - 8

10:56
I guess someone realized no one watching this steaming pile of CB.S. is going to believe the worlds largest bug zapper will kill every single locust, so during the final voice over, the news anchor let it be known that as a result of their genetic engineering, all remaining locusts are sterile. Just like that. So let me recap my recap....The scary set up: Killer bio engineered bugs multiply by millions, can't be destroyed. The Lame resolution: Giant Bug Zapper and random sterility.

Could there be a worse movie?

Click on either retard to play

I guess so. And you know we will be watching it.

Technical Difficulties

Some of you may have noticed that TVgasm is loading a lot slower on certain pages today. It turns out that the database server that runs our ads decided to pull a Janu and take itself out of the game. Luckily, it wasn't the database server that runs the main TVgasm site, so it is just an annoyance now. The great folks at our ISP Dreamhost are hard at work to get things up and running, but until then, I turned off the ads on most of the pages in order to speed load times on the site.

UPDATE - 5:55 Things should be working normally now.

Where Are Those Damn Recaps?

As readers of my Amazing Race recap know, I am in New York, beholden to a crappy laptop with dial-up access. The bad news -- this has severely hindered my ability to be a faithful blogger. The good news -- I return to the hi-tech ways of Los Angeles tonight. So for all you people stuck at work waiting for an Apprentice or Survivor recap, just know that we haven't forgotten about you.

And if you're still anxious, feel free to create your own snark with the Snark-O-Tron (and post your funny results in the Snark-O-Tron thread of the forums).

Hear The Buzz

Coming Soon....TvGasm on Locusts....

In Contempt of (Prom) Court

Is it bad that I admit that I always love the prom episodes of any television series that was ever created? Maybe I have some freaky fetish for girls wearing taffeta, I am pretty sure it's not a fetish for carnations. Whatever it is, I was happy to see that we have advanced to the prom episode for Smallville because it traditionally means that the rest of the season is going to have less filler and more substance. The first season ended on prom night, so for fans of the show, it represents the beginning of closure, at least for the high school years. It's a process that every teenage high school drama goes through, and if the writers can pull it off, the show has a good chance of making it after the kids graduate. Do a poor job, and the plot could be spinning it' s wheels for seasons on end until even the money from syndication does not justify the repetitive drivel that is being produced.

I guess you either love the prom or hate the prom. I personally loved my prom(actually, I loved my senior prom - junior prom wasn't as great). Had a ton of fun, my date was cool, and the party afterwards was a blast. Some people hate proms, and they include the random girl at beginning of our episode. She's obviously upset about something, because she breaks the "In Case of Emergency" glass to grab an axe, and we think she is going to go all helter skelter on people. Luckily, when she encounters Jonathan Kent, she only knocks him out cold and doesn't chop off his head. The girl makes it to the boiler room, uses the axe on the heating oil tank, and is about to light it in flames. The oil tank is below the gymnasium, and if it starts to get hot, stuffs gonna 'SPLODE. The girl reaches into the boiler with a mop to light it a flame, she turns around and it's.....Chloe?

I know Chloe has had bad luck on proms, including getting left on the middle of the dance floor during her freshman year by the man of her dreams, Clark Kent, but she wouldn't resort to such violence, would she? To get the whole back story, we flash back to the previous day. All of Smallville High is getting ready for the prom, or at least the prom committee is getting ready. Chloe and Lana are walking down the hall, taking it all in. Chloe has always been one of those mature high school students who doesn't necessarily believe every single school tradition is important, especially if it is largely exclusionary. For that purpose, she doesn't really like the prom, and can't stand the prom court.

Imagine Chloe's surprise when she found out that she was nominated.

You sort of had the feeling that either Lana or Chloe would be nominated. For the interest of the show, one of them has to be involved in the prom in some way, just as one of them probably has to be either the valedictorian or salutatorian. For prom, it was Chloe, and she is not very happy because she sees it as nothing more than a popularity contest. What makes it worse is that it looks like Lana is not going with Jason. Something about taking the ex-coach of the football team that was fired for having a relationship with you seems a little strange.

Luckily for Chloe, there are people out there that have more of their life invested in the prom than she does. In particular, there is one person, Dawn Stiles, who is absolutely mortified that Chloe is on the prom court, and can't stand the fact that Chloe doesn't think the prom is the culmination of four years of hard work in high school, and would dare to badmouth it. Dawn is a stereotype, the school spirit, ra-ra, popular girl, who has nothing more to do than to date popular boys, wear the best clothes, and walk around with her little posse (which includes Kandyse McClure from the Battlestar Galactica series on SciFi - yes, I love it and am dying for the second season). Although Chloe could care less about who wins, and actually hopes that she isn't the winner, Dawn says it's on anyway.

Poor Ms. Sullivan, at least she knows that Clark will be at the prom to keep her company, right? No, she's wrong. Clark also decides to skip out on the prom, even though he admits that he might have had a small part in getting Chloe nominated for the prom court. He says that many students are looking for an alternative after four years of having the same people rule the school. This was very true at my high school. Neither the girl who was homecoming queen(we'll call her JM) or the girl who was prom queen(her name was EB) were the most popular girls throughout their four years at HHS, but they were friendly and nice to everybody and so I was very happy to see them win.

At the Luthor mansion, Lex has been called off to some remote area in the woods, and there is a bunch of security around. Jason, who we haven't heard from, but are assuming is not that tight with Lex any longer, is at the mansion and goes to see what all the commotion is. Turns out the body of Bridgett Crosby has been found on the property, but nobody knows how she got there. Jason says he wants to help out, but Lex says he is going to handle it. This culminates probably one of the saddest cameos ever for a television series. Margot Kidder was supposed to be in a lot of episodes (we think), complained about her contract, and was written off pretty unceremoniously. They couldn't even call her back for the death scene, choosing instead to have a leg sticking out of the ground to symbolize her demise. Even Christopher Reeve got more face time when they Dr. Swann passed on, and he was actually dead.

Anyway, Jason knows that Bridgett Crosby was very interested in the Krypton artifacts, and wants to know if Lex is hiding something. He sneaks into the mansion and begins looking over some of the files on Lex's computer. Lex catches him, of course, and Jason wonders why it seems like nothing is happening. There were no police officers brought in to investigate, it didn't even seem like they called in the coroner to haul away the body. It's like they were trying to act like nothing ever happened and Bridgett Crosby didn't exist.

Dawn has been trying to make sure that the prom goes off without a hitch, but she is forced into some disaster recovery of her own. Her boyfriend broke up with her, with only 27 hours left before the prom starts, and he isn't going to get back with her, even for one night. Dawn is left to try and find a guy, hopefully popular and athletic, good looking, and hasn't slept around too much thereby preventing her from looking like a skank. She is busy going through her yearbook pictures when she comes across the photograph of none other than Clark Kent. Dawn is in her car, so she calls her friend to get Clark's digits. She is just about to write down his number, when she loses control of the car, and goes crashing through some guard rails and into a ravine.

We can't be sure if she is alive, but we see that she crashed near some meteor rock, so we know that she is not likely dead, although it really depends on how you define "death". A few seasons ago, there was an episode where football player fell in a lake and froze to death, but the meteor rock somehow saved him. Only problem was, he sucked all the life out of people when he touched them. Dawn appears to be all right a little while later. She is a little woozy, but manages to climb up to the road and attempts to flag somebody down. She sees somebody coming down the road. It's Martha Kent and she is waving her arms in the middle of the lane. Martha doesn't see her for some reason, and instead drives right through Dawn.

Martha didn't see Dawn, because Dawn wasn't there. Her body was at the bottom of the ravine, but her spirit was allowed to roam, likely aided by Kryptonite. When Martha ran over her, something strange happened. When Dawn came in contact with Martha's body, she seemed to take it over.

Realizing that you are suddenly invading other people's body with your spirit has got to be a lot for one person, but if you are trying to find a date for the prom and you are suddenly in the body of a middle-aged woman, you are probably pretty pissed. Dawn did want to take Clark to the prom, and she is now in the body of his mom, so maybe she can figure something out. She drives to the farm, and Clark gets there a little while afterwards to see that his mom is strangely very different. First, she is dancing to something, and it's not Tom Jones, second, she is eating ice cream out of the container, and third, she seems to be talking very oddly, and has this habit of pulling her hair back over her ear.

Since Dawn has invaded Martha's body, I will call her MarthaDawn to save any(or at least too much) confusion. MarthaDawn sees Clark, and says that he can't miss the prom. She suggests that she go with him. Taking your mom to the prom is not unheard of, but MarthaDawn wanted to make out with Clark later that night, so I am wondering how she planned on pulling it off. Strangely enough, it turns out that the Kents are going to be chaperone's MarthaDawn would therefore be going with Jonathan, not quite what she was looking forward to.

Lois comes down the stairs, and MarthDawn is immediately jealous, she wonders if Lois is the reason Clark didn't want to go with her, because she obviously doesn't know that Lois and Clark aren't exactly into each other. Her questions soon leave both Lois and Clark wondering what the hell is going on. Before they can say anything more, MarthaDawn leaves for the Talon. At the Talon, she runs into Lana. Dawn never like Lana so when MarthaDawn talks to her, she is especially harsh, especially with the parts about Jason and the French art school. Lana finds it strange that Mrs. Kent would talk to her like that, but when she is about to leave, she touches MarthaDawn, and suddenly MarthaDown becomes LanaDawn, and Martha is left without any memory.

Now this is more like it. Everybody knows that Lana and Clark were an item last year, and had a sort of breakup. Earlier, Clark had mentioned to MarthaDawn that he still wanted to be with Lana, and so when Clark comes in, looking to find his crazy mother, LanaDawn asks him to the prom. He says yes, sort of wonders what Jason might think, but is happy anyway. LanaDawn meanwhile, has some things to do a the school.

Everybody is sort of wondering what happened to Dawn, because she was the one who cared most about the prom, but they don't really seem to miss her because she kind of sucked. She was bossing people around, had an annoying voice, and had many annoying habits, like the way she would say "Genius!" if she had a good idea or "Laters!" when she was going to leave. LanaDawn comes upon what she thought were her best friends doing the decorating, and saying how happy they were that Dawn wasn't around. LanaDawn is pissed, but she has better things to do. Since she is not in her own body, she decides it would be a good way to get revenge, starting with her boyfriend.

LanaDawn sees him, and asks if they want to hang out sometime. He is just getting back from working out, so he is about to jump in the shower. Not only does he say sure to going out with LanaDawn, but he takes care to mention how annoying Dawn was and how he was never happy. When he goes into take a shower, LanaDawn follows him. When he gets out, she takes a power cord and touches an exposed end to the metal lockers in the shower. Dawn's boyfriend is touching the locker, and being wet, he completes the circuit and a whole lot of electricity happens. It looks like he is going to die, but Clark saved him. Clark had started figuring something was wrong when he got to the Talon and his mom didn't remember how she got there, and followed Lana to the school.

LanaDawn knows that people are onto her, so she begins switching bodies down the hallway finally invading her friend's (the BSG one) body. Now in her possession of her friend's body, Dawn still has some work to do. She heard that her real body was found and that it was in a coma. She couldn't stand to see herself disfigured, so she touches a nurse, who then injects Dawn's body with a lethal dose of drugs (you would have thought the Smallville Medical Center would have been more diligent after what happened Dr. Sinclair's timely death not so long ago). But nurseDawn still has a problem, she still needs to find a way to get with the prom, and hopefully with Clark, but time is rapidly running out. She finds her answer when she sees Lois has come to the medical center to get an allergy prescription for the dog. nurseDawn touches her, and she is off to find a dress, and get her man.

Seeing that Lex seemed to be stonewalling him, Jason told the sheriff about what happened. Our sheriff really isn't that bright, and I am starting to think she was put there by some secret government agency to report back on all the crazy shit that was going on in Smallville. She is just so dumb and thinks it is perfectly normal for all the things to happen around her like they do. So it's no surprise to us when she gets to the Luthor mansion and finds nothing, but it's a little strange when she mentions that she looked up information on Bridgett Crosby and couldn't find a mention of her in any government database in existence. It looks like Lex had decided to clean some things up after all, but we soon find out that he actually didn't do anything. As soon as the sheriff leaves, Jason calls his mom and says that Lex had taken care of the body, just as they thought he would. Looks like whatever happened since he got back from China really changed Jason. He is clearly not working for Lex, but the bigger question is if he is actually working with his mom, or if he is still loves Lana and is working with his mom because he wants to get to the bottom of whatever it is these artifacts mean.

Clark is seeing his parents off to the prom. Is it sort of strange that his parents are going and he is not? Sure it is, but he can't bear to go without Lana. He was so excited when she asked him, but when he realized that it wasn't really her that was interested in going with him, he didn't tell the real Lana that she had asked. Too bad for Clark, that it is not all up to him if he goes or not. After his parents leave, LoisDawn comes down the stairs. It must have been hard to find a dress, because it looked like LoisDawn stuffed her D-cups into Dawn's prom dress instead of finding a new one for herself. Clark wonders about the sudden change of heart, but Lois isn't taking no for an answer. Luckily for her, Martha had rented a tuxedo for Clark, and they were off to the dance.

The prom was everything that proms are supposed to be, right down to the old chaperones, bad punch, and awkward dancing among the students. By now, we have all figured out that when we saw Chloe at the beginning of the episode, it wasn't really Chloe. Dawn had invaded her body, but we aren't sure what got her so upset, and why she would want to kill her classmates. Well, it turns out that Chloe did win prom queen. It broke Dawn's heart, but she was able to touch Chloe before she went up to give her acceptance speech.

ChloeDawn thanked everybody for voting for her, and everybody cheered, but when she started to praise Dawn for how much she cared, and how much everybody appreciated her and respected her, nobody said anything, and instead started chanting "Chloe! Chloe!" For Dawn, this was the last bit that sent her into her Carrie-like rage. She had spent her entire high school career trying to be the epitome of what people expected from her, and they had always rewarded her with adulation (however fake) and some respect. But now that she was deceased, she realized she had no friends, and everybody hated her. She said she would get revenge and then stormed off into to do her thing.

Now we had earlier seen Jonathan get punched out by Chloe, and we know now that it was really ChloeDawn. What we didn't see was that after Jonathan had been punched out, Clark had came up to him and told him that he was going after ChloeDawn but needed his dad to get something. Apparently, Clark realized who ChloeDawn was after her speech, and decided to follow her in case she decided to do some damage. So when we finally get back to the moment when ChloeDawn is going to throw the flaming mop into the oil in order to blow up the boiler, Clark is there just in time to stop it. ChloeDawn doesn't know what is going on, or how Clark could move so fast, but she goes to push him, and then she is in Clark's body. ClarkDawn then punches Chloe, and is about to get back to work when Jonathan comes down to stop her.

ClarkDawn has Clark's body, and so has Clark's weaknesses. Clark had sent his dad to get some Kryptonite, knowing that Dawn would probably inhabit his body, and she would be weak against it. It turned out to be true. ClarkDawn couldn't move, and it proved to be so painful for Dawn's spirit, that she left his body, and the kryptonite then disintegrated whatever was left behind. I guess with her real body now dead, her soul can't live without anything to inhabit.

Everybody makes it back to the dance floor, and the band is playing the final slow song. Clark sees Lois, apologizes for sticking her corsage so close to her boob, and asks her for the last dance. Lois is flattered (kind of upset about the weak punch, but flattered nonetheless), but knows that Clark really wanted to dance with somebody else. Just as the final song was playing, in walks Lana, looking about as bad as I have ever seen her look (that hair, are you kidding me?) and they get their final dance.

While the moment was great for Clark and Lana, it was very difficult for Chloe. During the first season, Clark left her for the final dance to save Lois[check that, it should be Lana]. It effectively negated any chance of them ever having a relationship, and even though she is the prom queen, she is still on the sideline, wishing that Clark loved her instead of Lana, but understanding that it will probably never happen.

If this episode wasn't a prom episode, I probably wouldn't have even bothered with a recap. The soul-snatching bodies theme is almost as prevalent as the two separate halves of one person theme they explored last week. So many people get possessed, it's not funny anymore. It did provide us with a couple of interesting things to think about for the next episode though. First, Chloe learns another one of Clark's secrets. When Jonathan came to stop ClarkDawn, she woke up after being punched to see that Clark was weakened by Kryptonite (and that Jonathan knew of Clark's abilities as well).

More importantly, we added some intrigue to the whole artifact business. Just why did Jason and his mother want Bridgett Crosby dead, and who is Jason really working for? At the end of the episode, he showed up at the prom just in time to see Lana looking very happy in Clark's arms. Is it going to make him work harder to get her back, or make him think she is really the enemy, just like his mom has always said?

We know that Smallville is coming back for a 5th season, but the writers are going to have to work hard, because the repetitiveness is really starting to show in this last season. If a new Superman movie wasn't coming out next summer, I think they would have ended the show this year.

Screw Earth Day - Celebrate Aaron Spelling

As much as people like to celebrate Earth Day, now in its 35th year today, it is hard to imagine that it was put into motion by none other than Dick Nixon himself, who also signed the Clean Air Act, the Clean Water Act, and the Endangered Species Act. Just think of all the good he could have done if he wasn't so paranoid about spying on the Democrats. Yeah, that's it.

Anyway, Earth Day has now been taken over by hippies. Hey, I'll recycle and conserve water, and even compost if I had a back yard, but I am not going to switch to soy milk(although I must admit Rice Dream ain't half bad) or feel guilty for eating apples that didn't come from an organic farm. I am also sick of getting cut off by assholes driving their Prius hybrids like they own the road. Bastards.

Luckily, April 22nd gives us another occasion worth mentioning - the birth of Aaron Spelling. Spelling was born in 1923, and my parents were barely 10 years old before he started producing his first work for television in 1955. Over the next 50 years, Mr. Spelling has given us many, many, many TV series, television specials, and even feature films.

Listing all of my favorite works produced by Mr. Spelling would go on even longer than a B-side recap for an Amazing Race four hour special. But I have to name a few including Charlie's Angels, Hart to Hart (and all of those wonderfully bad TV movie follow ups), T.J. Hooker Starsky and Hutch, and the Mod Squad. Unlike most of my generation, I never got into Melrose Place or Beverly Hills 90210, but those series were equally as entertaining without a doubt. And B-side would never let me talk about Aaron Spelling without mentioning Soapdish.

Let's hope Mr. Spelling has another 50 years of making humorous, overdramatic, semi-scandalous, and derivative television and features that our children and our children's children will learn to love.

[And if you are still looking for something to do on Earth Day, Adopt a Puffin]

For Everything Else...There's Claystercard

Books senior year in college - $534.

A night out on the town with friends in college - $123

pizza 9 times a week senior year of college - $3,600

Neglecting to pay my first Capitol One card and having no choice but to buy Clay Aiken's ReChargable MasterCard debit card and use it in public - PRICELESS

In a move to get into as many young boys pants as possible, Claiken has pimped out his image to Master Card. The new rechargable debit card, is the hip new way to curb your childs spending to a predetermined ammount at the mall, and ensure a sufficiant beating when they bust out their Claiken Card to pay for their Orange Julius.

So Ryan has a star on the walk of fame, Claiken has a debit card, keep an eye out for Randy-Pons...for those heavy flow days, dawg.

A Close Shave

Apologies all around for the tardiness of this Amazing Race recap. Turns out I've spent the past day or so on my own adventurous journey, although a transcontinental flight from LAX to JFK (followed by a mixed bag of monorail, shuttle bus, and parental transportation) pales compared to the twenty-four hour train ride teams endured this week. Still, I now write to you from my mother's laptop, a hunk of machinery so old, I half expect to find a steam engine on the back of it. As such, I have no spell check, and the keyboard has this annoying tendency of inserting "2" into random words for no reason other than to drive me mildly insane. That being said, let's revisit this very hairy episode (me holding pinky to mouth) of The Amazing Race.

The episode began with newlyweds Rob and Amber receiving their next clue from Phil, who, as you may remember, was taking sadistic glee with his Pit Stop fakeout. Romber (I used to call them "Ramber" but I had to bow to the cultural zeitgeist) were told to head across the street to the Lucknow train station and board the train on platform two. Only then would teams receive their next clue. Oh, so mysterious. Part of me feared they were being sent off to join Phil Koegan's black market sex-slavery ring, but then I remembered that no train could reach his Mediterranean island harem.

Anyway, various teams checked in at Phil's mat (a euphemism used to describe the three foot radius around his manboobs), and as can be expected, most everyone was somewhat surprised. Ron was particularly disappointed, but I was relieved that he didn't somehow relay the moment to another adventure in the military ("Learning that the leg wasn't over was almost as disappointing as the time I was caught by Iraqis and held as a POW. Man, that was disappointing."). Thankfully, Ron kept his army babble to a minimum this episode, but still, even with his relative silence, I couldn't help thinking that military service is the new band camp. "This one time, in the military..."

Meanwhile, the plucky old duo of Meredith and Gretchen continued to power through their roadblock from LAST episode with the usual cheery aplomb. Eventually they delivered all the tea they needed (they even gave one lucky guy a bonus tea! Insert Gretchen coo of joy here.) and headed to the mat with the help of their friendly, mustachioed guide. Gretchen once again commented on how lovely and nice the locals were, an observation that was immediately followed by Meredith noting "I think these are gay guys in front of us." Sure enough, their guide smiled back at the old couple as his male friend gently placed a loving hand on his back. "He was pretty cute, the one who was helping us," said Gretchen. WELL, then it's proven!

After a little jaunt through Lucknow's Boystown (or Ladke-town, as its known locally), Meredith and Gretchen arrived chez Phil where our host happily told them they were the last to check in, BUT the race was still on. He then added "I'll still take all your belongings though. Just for fun." Actually, that didn't happen, but what did occur was Gretchen letting out another of her trademark "Ooooooooh!"'s. I swear, she must have been a Furby in a past life.

Anyway, all the teams arrived at platform 2 of the Lucknow station, only to discover that the train would be arriving many hours later. A time crunch? On the Amazing Race? Why I NEVER! Eventually, the choo-choo arrived, and everyone boarded, only to discover they'd be riding the rails for the next twenty-four hours straight. With little else to do, everyone found a sleeper car and caught some shut-eye. Sadly, this slumber was rudely disrupted by a creepy guy who seemed to be India's answer to Pete Postlewaite. The man quietly glided up to each team, poked them awake, and then delivered the next clue which directed everyone to a local market in Jodhpur, the train's ultimate destination. Actually, I guess it was at this point teams realized they'd be on the train for twenty four hours. Whatever. Point was, it was gonna be a long ass trip.

The next morning, teams seemed to relish the time on the train as everyone got a chance to kick back and socialize. Lynn expressed extreme discomfort at not having his facial creams and beauty products while Joyce wrapped Uchenna up in her headscarf and declared "You look like shiek!" Yes, it was a grand ole time on the train, and thankfully, teams reached Jodhpur before any puppet shows or charade games could bust out.

Upon arrival in Jodhpur (which at a population of 30 million people only qualified as a quaint hamlet in India), teams immediately scurried to the market which of course was closed until 10 AM the next morning. Not wanting to rough it out in the streets of Jodhpur, everyone checked in at a local hotel across the street and caught a few more zzz's before the inevitable craziness the next morning. As they checked into their room, Rob and Amber immediately chummed it up with the hotel manager, Sanjay, who offered to be the team's guide free of charge. Cut to CBS producers quietly stuffing $100 bills into Sanjay's back pocket.

Meanwhile, out in the streets, some sort of wedding or parade was taking place. Alex and Lynn went out to observe when suddenly they were yanked right into the proceedings. "Next thing we know, we're getting pulled into the middle, dancing with these men!" Lynn described. I sort of enjoyed the producers' attempts to make India seem extremely gay this episode. Sort of a unique take. I wondered what the Detour would be: a choice between Greco-Roman wrestling or cabaret singing?

Actually, the Detour was quite different. Teams had to choose between Trunk and Dunk. In Trunk, teams had to transport a 600 lbs. elephant statue through the market. In Dunk, teams had to dye several sheets and find a hidden message. As usual, one was short but brutal while the other was long but easy. Ah, but that's not all. Our old friend the Fast Forward reared its flourescent green head once again, and with any luck, it wouldn't be wasted on a nonelimination leg. Phil popped up to alert us that in order to win the Fast Forward, teams would have to drive many miles away to take part in a traditional Hindu ritual. What teams wouldn't learn until they got there was that they'd have to shave their heads. YES! Gotta love the Amazing Race. They're trying it again! For those of you who may be uninformed, two seasons ago the producers set up the exact same Fast Forward, but when ultra-Christians/models/whiners Nicole and Brandon arrived, they immediately chickened out and returned to the Detour, only to be saved by a nonelimination round. Well, hopefully this time we'd get some shaved head action.

The odds were in our favor as both Uchenna and Joyce and Rob and Amber jumped for the Fast Forward. Man, remember the days of yore when there was a Fast Forward on every leg? There was rarely anything I liked more than watching two teams battling it out for the elusive ticket to success (a certain rug mission with Teri and Ian comes to mind -- as do the NFL wives who inexplicably used the Fast Forward to advance from 5th place to 2nd place, in like the second episode of that season). Anyway, I was excited not only at the prospect of a Fast Forward battle, but given Uchenna's already bald head, we knew he and Joyce would have the upper hand on Rob and Amber.

Sadly for me, Ramber decided to shun the Fast Forward and work on the elephant instead. Golden boy Sanjay proved to be slow as he led his reality stars to their Detour challenge. Luckily for them, Gretchen and Meredith were hardly the beacons of physical strength as they languished with their elephant. In one of their more bizarre follies, Gretchen actually climbed atop the elephant and commandeered the porcelain beast from on high. Didn't really help much, in fact, I'd wager to say it actually hurt the team's progress, but hey, it looked really cool. Then again, with Gretchen's luck, you just knew that she'd go toppling out moments later and wind up with another gaping head wound. Thankfully, that didn't happen, but with all the other teams off and running with their pachyderms, Gretchen finally declared "We have a bad elephant!" Actually, it's more like they had a bad strategy seeing as how the only people helping poor Meredith push were several skinny children who surely were of little use beyond the producers' constant need to make the old couple appear like holy apostles.

Actually, the oldsters weren't the only ones mining child labor for the purpose of reality treasures. Rob literally grabbed kids by the arms and stuck them on the elephant, nearly scolding them for their passive desire to simply watch the chaos unfold in front of them. "It's tough organizing Indian labor!" joked Rob, clearly not realizing that India's youth might wish to be doing other things like, I don't know, NOT pushing a stupid elephant statue around. Meanwhile, Amber was doing her part by knocking off pieces of the beast, namely its tail. Way to break the elephant, AMBER!

Nevertheless, Romber finally arrived at the "elephant parking" where they received their next clue: head to a farm. Okay. Sounds good. Rob, Amber, and Sanjay boarded an auto-rickshaw or tuk-tuk or whatever and headed out to the countryside for more adventures. Hey Sanjay, don't you have like, I don't know, a hotel to manage??

Hey, remember Ron and Kelly? Well, believe it or not, they were not only in this episode but ahead of the unstoppable force that is Romber. Unfortunately for them, their forward progress was severely stymied when their auto-rickshaw couldn't sneak around Meredith and Gretchen, who had become a full on roadblock in their own right. As Meredith teetered on the brink of heart failure, Kelly snapped at the locals and demanded that they help him. Help him, damnit! Well, no language barrior prevents a woman scorned from getting what she wants. The remaining locals all rushed to Meredith's aid and helped him move the elephant. At first I was touched by this gesture - the beauty queen helping the weezing old man. But then I realized she just wanted him to get out of the way. I guess it was all for the best -- Kelly got to move forward, and Meredith got to not die.

Later, when the old couple finally completed the Detour, Gretchen expressed regret about riding in the basket up top. I could have helped push, she rationed. Yeah, something you should have figured out BEFORE you finished the whole thing. On the plus side, Gretchen did receive Alex and Lynn's highest compliment, mainly that she riding the elephant looked "FABULOUS!"

Anyway, as usual, the fearsome foursome of Rob, Amber, Kelly, and Ron led the pack to the next clue which revealed the Roadblock. In this task, teammates had to hop in a camel chariot (Chamel? Cariot? Camelot!) and race around a track for two laps. Kelly had no problem getting those camel toes moving as she took off down the route like a bat - or dramedary - out of hell. Amber, meanwhile, met instant resistance from her camel which quickly meandered off the track to deposit its passenger in some prickly bushes.

Elsewhere in India, Uchenna and Joyce zipped along in their taxi as they nervously awaited the Fast Forward. Joyce momentarily fretted that she'd have to chop off her hair, but her hubby laughed off the idea, noting that she'd never have to do that. Yeah - reality shows would never force you into an embarrassing and uncomfortable situation.

The two eventually arrived at their destination, and jaws were dropped all around as they realized that they would, in fact, have to shave their heads. And by "they", I mean "Joyce." Uchenne tried to be Supportive Husband 2005 by asking if she really wanted to do this, and Joyce suddenly snapped like we've never seen her before, yelling/crying "LET'S GO!" Yes! Finally some female baldness. I was kind of bummed though because a) this would only really affect one person, and b) black women with shaved heads aren't that odd looking. I kind of wish Romber had gone for it. Amber would have looked like the biggest activist of all time with her shaved head.

With little else to do, Uchenna simply moved to the side while the monks clipped away Joyce's long braids (or dreads - I really didn't get a good look). Every now and then, Uchenna made some preemptive moves just in case he wound up in the dog house later, but in general, these gestures seemed kind of patronizing, especially when he said, "Honey, I don't want you to have to do this." Um, the ritual has already begun. Half her hair is gone. It's not like she was going to say "Okay, well, let's do the Detour now!" Although... that would be pretty cool if she left only half of her head shaved. Then, at Halloween, she could be one of those "two-face" people - you know, normal attire on one half, crazy costume on the other half. Man, the possibilities are endless!

Eventually, Joyce emerged from the Fast Forward with a shaved head, and while the experience had been difficult for her, she slowly moved from crying behind her fingers to smiling with renewed resolve. And just in case we thought she was still mad, the producers were kind enough to pipe in the cheesy, uplifting music to guide our emotions. Must... Cry... Now...

Actually, I didn't cry, but I was happy to see Phil return and introduce the next Pit Stop which was located in a castle or temple of some sort. Moments later, Kelly crossed the finish line with her camel and ripped open the next clue, which directed her and Ron to the next Pit Stop. Phil then popped up again to tell us that the next Pit Stop was still located in a castle or temple of some sort. Is there an echo in here? We know where the Pit Stop is, Phil. You JUST TOLD US! Don't you love how I get mad at Phil when the real culprit is the editor? Way to make Phil your fall guy, EDITOR!

While Kelly had made short work of the Roadblock, other teams were not having such luck. Amber clearly had the most passive-aggressive camel simply because it acted stubbornly at first and then gave her a false sense of success by charging towards the finish line, only to grind to a halt and wander off the track again. Clearly this camel was not paid off by CBS. For a moment I had dreams of the other two teams catching up, and while Team Weho seemed adept at camel racing, Meredith was not. Surprise, surprise, the old guy's camel up and sat down in the middle of the track, causing Gretchen to yell out "Talk nice to the camel!" Honestly, is she trying to get into Entertainment Weekly's weekly TV quote list? Every episode, this woman has about four or five noteworthy comments. Anyway, Amber finally fixed her camel crisis and crossed the finish line with a healthy lead over the last two teams.

Alex and Lynn completed the Roadblock next, but they soon faced an entirely new obstacle as their cabbie drove them to the WRONG CASTLE! The two hopped out of their auto-rickshaw and scoured the location but quickly realized the lack of any Phil or PhilTraces meant they had made an unfortunate mistake.

Back at the right castle, Uchenna and Joyce checked in first. Surely they'd win a prize in honor of Joyce's sacrifice, right? Right?? WRONG! Until they too appear on two seasons of Survivor, they are NOT entitled to any vacations!

Meanwhile, the race for second and third place heated up as Romber and Team Beauty POW ran yet another footrace to the mat. This time around, Ron and Kelly arrived first - by about a centimeter - and chuckles were had all around. Even Sanjay got into the moment, applauding happily on the sidelines. You know, Sanjay really sucked. He didn't do anything helpful. There were times when Rob seemed to be leading him. This all leads me to believe that Sanjay is a con-artist from New Jersey whose real name is Roy.

Anyway, despite his whiney camel, Meredith managed to finish the Roadblock, and we once again were in the unagreeable position of having to watch two favorite teams battle it out for elimination. Eventually, Lynn and Alex's castle mishap turned out to be fatal (well, detrimental - they didn't die or anything) as the scrappy old couple snagged fourth place, much to their surprise.

Phil excitedly informed Meredith and Gretchen that they were the oldest couple to have made it this far in the competition, and blundering mistakes aside, I think we can all be pretty impressed with that. Then again, these two have benefited from other teams's random mishaps. I kind of want them to run a leg really well for a change, maybe give the other teams a run for their money. But who am I kidding? It's Meredith and Gretchen. With a near certain non-elimination round next week, we're destined to have more tomfoolery for at least another two weeks.

As for Lynn and Alex, their elimination was bittersweet as they held back tears and babbled the usual spiel about how much they learned and how wonderful the people were and how great the experience was. It will be sad not having their colorful commentary peppering the show, but I guess now Uchenna and Joyce can step it up in the personality department. I mean, they're affable and nice and everything, but seriously, give us something more to work with. At least Kelly and Ron shook out of their early season doldrums by complaining and whining. Next week's episode looks sensational with Kelly stating that Ron's POW status is a testament to his lack of commitment. Can't wait to see her crawl out of that hole! Kind of reminds me of this one time in the military...

What do you think? Will Meredith and Gretchen every get it together?

ALF Uck You While High On Crack

More than anything, I just wanted to use that headline

As They Say, 'Idol' Hands...Grope Each Other!

Just pause, take a moment. Look at these two. Take a breath. Mmmmm...Who wouldn't wan't to bang them?

Yes, one time wanna-be, and current never-was, Corey Something-or-other has made a statement declaring while he was a contestant on the 3rd season of America Idol, he engaged in sexual acts with one time Pop star, and current star pill popper Paula Anderson (post 9/11 Abdul is so cache').

MSNBC is reporting that the affair happened blah blah blah blah blah guest room of Paula Abduls house blah blah blah promised to jumpstart his "career" blah blah blah Abdul once came up behind Clark, rubbed his neck, and then they began “kissing passionately and feeling each other up” as they moved to the guest bedroom. Ok, now look back at the photo of them. Abdul once came up behind Clark, rubbed his neck, and then they began “kissing passionately and feeling each other up” as they moved to the guest bedroom....now look at your arms, do you have goosebumps? No? How about if I told you that Corey claims AI season 1 runner up Justin Guarini snogged her to? Still not enough, on ON AIR Ryan Seacrest and Paula both admitted to their affair. Who's next? Clay Aiken?

Paula's Vag = Company Ink and everyones got a wet pen.

Ok, this is the best I can do in covering such a non-story. Im going to go shower now, this story makes me feel unclean.

Seriously, We Are Giving Away Free Stuff

Last week, we announced that we are having a small giveaway to celebrate our first anniversary. We want to thank everybody who has participated, because it looks like we have some good candidates ranging from Double Dare contestants to Sheriff Dangle impersonators. Keep them coming, as they have all been great, and your essays are marvelous.

One thing we haven't had a lot of is submissions for TVgasm love or favorite TVgasm. We also have received only one work of art. Reading all of the comments on the site, I know that our readers have a lot to say. To clarify, you can only submit one item per category, but you may submit for multiple categories.

Read the contests and the rules after the jump..

Miss TVgasm 2005

While we wanted to have a pageant for Miss TVgasm, the budget just didn't cut it this year. We will, however, be taking reader submissions from all the women and young ladies who feel like they deserve the prize. All we ask from you is a photograph, and small statement on the importance of being Miss TVgasm. The photos must be of you, and can be whatever you like, whether it be head shot, evening gown, bathing suit, or halloween costume. Pictures should be PG-13, and you must be 18 to enter. Send your submissions to anniversary@tvgasm.com.

Mr. TVgasm 2005

Mr. TVgasm will be a like the Miss TVgasm contest, except it is geared towards our gentleman readers. Same rules apply. Submit a photograph and a statement on the importance of the Mr. TVgasm title. Same rules apply for the photos as well. Send your submissions to anniversary@tvgasm.com.

TVgasm Couple 2005

Do you love TVgasm and enjoy television with your significant other? I added this category after seeing a most excellent submission this morning from a reader. Same rules apply as the Miss TVgasm and Mr TVgasm submissions. Send your submissions to anniversary@tvgasm.com

Most Outstanding TVgasm

Have you ever had a TVgasm? When was your first TVgasm? Where did it happen? Who was around? What TVgasm article were you reading at the time? Do you constantly experience yourself dreaming about B-side, madeyoulaugh, or J-Unit? Is there a funny moment when you were caught by your boss, husband, wife, etc,. laughing so hard and you just couldn't explain it?The Most Outstanding TVgasm award goes to the person with the best TVgasm story. This can be a true story, but if you are creative, feel free to embellish a little(or a lot). ONE SUBMISSION PER PERSON/E-MAIL ADDRESS. Send your submissions to anniversary@tvgasm.com.

Most Outstanding Display of TVgasm Love

Maybe you aren't as hot as B-side or S-lo, or as funny with the pen as madeyoulaugh. We still have a contest for you, oh sullen TVgasm reader. Do you love TVgasm so much that you just have to tell everybody about it? Do you have a shrine in your living room? Have you printed out all of the articles and kept them in a book just in case your internet goes out? Did you erect a billboard in your hometown to let everybody know how awesome TVgasm is? Perhaps you wrote a song? Maybe you tattooed TVgasm.com in three inch gothic letters on your back? This is your chance to show just how much you love TVgasm. Bonus for extra creativity in this category. Send your submissions to anniversary@tvgasm.com.

Create a TVgasm Banner

You obviously have seen the banners that we have at the top of TVgasm. You may have also noticed that we have started rotating the banners on the front page. Now is your chance to create your own TVgasm banner. We will add it to the rotation, and if you submit a custom banner for a show that doesn't have on already (like Lost, Desperate Housewives, Sports, American Idol) we may even put it at the top of that category page. To see all the shows we write about, check the archives, but feel free to create any banner you want. It only has to relate to TV. We reserve the right to use your submission on our site, although we will credit your art if it is chosen. Send your submissions to anniversary@tvgasm.com.

Who are those masked men and women?

We try to stay anonymous, and since we work in the industry, we must continue to do so. We have those South Park characters, but maybe you can do something better. Do you have a sketch, painting, notebook doodle, statue, or macaroni model that depictus one or more of the TVgasm staff? Whatever your artistic skill, send them in. We will feature your work our Team page. Send your submissions to anniversary@tvgasm.com.

We will be taking reader submissions for all categories through April 30th. The TVgasm editors will choose a set of finalists, and the readers will vote for the winner. Voting begins on May 4th, and the winners will be announced on May 11th. All winners receive their choice of one item from the TVgasm store. In addition, winners of the Miss TVgasm and Mr TVgasm will receive $25 gift certificates, and the the TVgasm couple will get to choose two items(one for each person) As always, TVgasm will not share your name, e-mail address, or any personal information with anybody. If you want to keep your submission anonymous by using an alias, that is OK. Once again, send your submissions to anniversary@tvgasm.com. And please e-mail us with any comments or suggestions.

Good luck, and we hope you enjoy TVgasm!

Drop Dead Gorgeous

You know, I have to start giving Tyra Banks more credit. While I love America's Next Top Model and have always believed that our host is one of the most gorgeous people on the planet, I also thought she was a figurehead. I imagined that she was the leader of a puppet regime and there were much more influential people behind the scenes. That still may be true, but after the emotion she put into her speech last week, I have a sense that she not only is interested in making good television for Bankable Productions, but she is also interested in changing the lives of the young women that she finds. Maybe I am falling for an act, but I took notice. The remaining seven contestants also took notice, and they started this week with the elimination of Rebecca and Tiffany fresh on their minds.

[Yes, the Amazing Race recap is coming - so simmer down!]

Everybody was saying how Tyra's rant from last week was so very much unexpected. I think some of them could understand why Tiffany left, because a lot of them admitted that she didn't seem as interested in it. But when Rebecca goes, you know that it is a competition. In the early part of the season, it was good enough to just look pretty on camera, but as things progress the models are going to have to show something. They don't have to be perfect, but they will have to start getting better. Tyra came in to say that she went a little overboard, but that she really cares about everybody and what they are doing.

Luckily for our potential top models, their competition is giving them a crash course in everything they need to know to be a on the runway or at a shoot, plus everything in between. This week everybody visited, Jann Carl, of ET, to learn how you should act when you are being interviews, as well as being able to interview somebody else. Now before you say "What, did she play Drew Barrymore's mom or something? What does she know about interviewing?", ET means Entertainment Tonight, and Jann Carl is the host. Suffice it to say, she knows a thing or two about giving interviews.

These sorts of things tend to be great to watch, because, well if you watched them try to read a TelePrompTer last week, you would already know. It's a disaster waiting to happen, and if that wasn't enough to lure you in, the girls are also the ones going to be doing the interviews. If we were to create some sort of unintentional humor threat level scale, we would be talking about DEFCON 15, which is like 10 more DEFCONs than the military would use.

With that being said, I would like to say that I was a little disappointed with how things went. The best unintentional comedy moment happened when the cameras cut away to Michelle, who was wearing an "I'm With Stupid" shirt, and the arrow was pointed right at Tatiana. During the segment, Michelle actually wasn't half bad. She is so very emotional, but when the challenge rewards being honest with your feelings, she comes across like she has nothing to hide and is just being herself. Tatiana, who has been complaining about being isolated from the rest of the group, complains that she doesn't know enough about any of her roommates and feels this is going to be difficult. We don't really hear much from Tatiana in any of the other episodes, so this has me feeling that she is going to be in trouble later in the episode.

Most of the other girls mostly got pointers in what not to say. Stuff like don't repeat yourself, don't be too cocky, try not to repeat yourself, don't talk about other people, don't repeat yourself and try and act like you are something you are not. Did I mention you shouldn't repeat yourself? I only mention this, well besides for comic effect, because when Christina and Tatiana had their interview, it seems like they couldn't stop saying "actually". "Acually, I wanted to ask you a question." "Actually, I was thinking that actually, this would be better." "Actually, somebody told me that something else would be better actually". Actually, we even got a nice little "actually" counter on screen. And even after Jann Carl actually told them they can't say "actually" again, Tatiana actually had the nerve to say actually again, actually.

We got to the part of the show where the girls go out somewhere in LA to have a little fun. This is also about the time in my recap where I drop some LA knowledge on you but I had some complaints, so I won't tell anybody about the club they went to, El Centro. Just kidding, I am not the club type and have never been there, but if you are in the area, there is this great Karaoke bar called Amagi just a few blocks away.

At El Centro, we learned a couple of things. First of all, we can add Kahlen to the list of girls who have horrible tattoos, as she got some very generic lettering on her right side. We also learned that Michelle is a sort of a freak. OK, we kind of always knew that, but it was really evident this week. She has always been kind of introverted and lacking confidence, but put her in a room with a few guys, and it seems like she was born to boogie. I wouldn't say she got rhythm, but she was grabbing a hold of anything that moved.

The next day, everybody got shipped off to some random offices for an interview competition. That got to practice the previous day with Jann Carl in a mock interview, but this time they were going to be evaluated by her in a real interview. Continuing with the incest that they absolutely love on UPN, Eve was there to promote her new fashion line, called fetish. I am not sure if it will even be worth anything, but I have to say, it is a great name for a clothing line.

During the session, the girls had to overcome a number of things. Some were simply star struck that they were in the same room with Eve. I thought after working with Boris and Rib last week, they would realize that they were going to be meeting famous people quite often, but I guess that is not the case. There was also the problem of just coming up with the some questions to ask that would make the interview actually make sense. Jann had told them that whenever she couldn't think of something to ask , she would simply ramble on for a little bit until she thought of something to say. Keenya tried this approach, and too call what she did rambling would be an insult to all of the people out there that never shut up. Ramblers at least form sentences and complete thoughts, Keenya was just throwing out a bunch of syllables. When she finally used her inflection to make the words sound like a question, Eve just sort of stood there without knowing what to do.

The most impressive girls in this competition were two people we don't often see at the top of any of them, Christina and Tatiana. You sort of expect it from Christina because she just has that clinical look about her. If she wasn't trying to become a model, she would be in some research lab, looking very intensely at something while she held a clipboard and chewed on the back of a pen. We didn't expect that much out of Tatiana because, well, she doesn't really have that much to say. Other than getting in a fight with Brandi, she is well, detached from the rest of the group. Christina ended up winning, and if I were her, I would have been pissed at my prize. She won an interview on Entertainment Tonight with Jann Carl and Eve. Even $50 at the GAP would have been worth more than that lame prize.

If you didn't catch on that Tatiana would be featured this episode from her earlier comments, we got a nice little interlude before the next Tyra mail of everybody(well, Keenya actually) complaining about Tatiana leaving shit around the apartment. Her room, Bel Air, was almost empty, so a few of the girls moved in there. Instead of trying to make Tatiana feel like she was welcome, they complained while she read books. She then could be heard on the phone doing the "We have nothing in common speech" to explain why she didn't make any friends.

Earlier in the episode, Kahlen had learned that one of her friends had died. She was trying her best to stay motivated and keep her focus. You could imagine how she felt when she learned the next day that her photo shoot was going to be in a cemetery. And this shoot wasn't simply going to be next to a tombstone or outside of a crypt. There were seven girls left, so that meant seven deadly sins. They would actually be put in a coffin and lowered into an eight foot grave. When you are trying to get your mind off of your friend's untimely death, you can understand how this could be a little troubling. Kahlen didn't want to tell Jay, but when he found out, he immediately realized how difficult it would be for her and let her have some time to gather her thoughts.

What I wanted to ask him was, if this was the seven deadly sins, how far ahead did you have this planned? As far as he was supposed to know, eight people should have been around, right? Maybe he works fast, but it must take at least a week to find a cemetery to shoot in, not to mention find an empty grave people don't mind you using, not to mention hire all of the people on the shoot. That tells me that while Tyra's outbreak may have been spontaneous, the move to eliminate two girls at this stage in the game might have been planned well in advance.

So, for the sins, Brittany was sloth, Michelle was pride, Tatiana was greed, Christina was lust, Naima was envy, Keenya was gluttony, and Kahlen was wrath. The concept of this shoot was OK, but I am not sure if the girls were up to the task. They haven't had too many straight glamour shots and a lot of people seemed like they had trouble getting a handle on exactly what sort of emotions they were trying to convey. These are girls that didn't know the meaning of "crack of dawn", how do you try and get them be fierce and fabulous while conveying sloth? Naima came back with a strong photo this week, with nothing but a sheer piece of fabric to work with. After her, I would say Christina and Kahlen did the best., and then Tatiana. With wrath, Kahlen was able to let out a lot of frustration, and the photographer was encouraging her to grunt like Monica Seles. Her are the pics:

When everybody got before the judges, they learned that they were to pretend that they were at a press conference promoting a new line of clothing, and the judges would be the press asking them questions. Nolé started things off right away during Michelle's interview by asking if she was bisexual. Keenya seemed to be having fun with it when they asked her if she liked to pick boogers, even giving us a little demonstration. Brittany's question had to do with double fisting and Paris Hilton, I will let you fill in the rest.

Now the judges said that the questions would be based partly on rumors that they heard from the makeup staff, and partly from rumors that they just made up. Christina was asked about IBS, or irritable bowel syndrome, so it made me wonder if somebody was using a little extra charmin and people started to notice. And seriously, if it was after the Indian food, who can blame them? Tyra was either playing the judge or being truthful when she raised her hand and said "I have it!" when they were talking about IBS. I bet Tyra reads the Wall Street Journal whenever she wants to get down to business, so to speak.

Last week, the judges really complained about the picture quality, but I thought this week's were much worse. Naima was praised for her great picture, and I think it may be one of her best. The judges liked Christina, but they said that lust was a chance to go over the top, and she simply brought sexy. Janice once again did a demonstration with Nigel, this time of lust. Recently, pictures of Janice's nipple were posted on the internet. I lost a bet with somebody because I figured that she would find a way to let the girls loose at least once a week. Who knew Janice was so relatively modest.

Anyway, somebody who did take their chance on being over the top was Kahlen, and she seemed to nail the wrath shoot. Janice was going to make fun of her mope, but Tyra cut her off to tell her something serious actually happened. Great to know our judges aren't just all fire and insults. I think Keenya looked the worst in this shoot. I think she is beautiful, but gluttony is not something you want to make sexy, especially if you have been a little gluttonous yourself (as we find out from next week's previews).

As the names were read, it came down to Tatiana and Michelle. Both of these girls have been taking decent enough pictures, but it was going to come down to potential. The judges decided that Michelle had more, and let Tatiana go. Michelle is a wreck, and she has little room for error, but she does have a personality, and even if you think she is ugly or annoying, she wants it badly, maybe more than anybody else, and the judges rewarded her for that today. She has always been hard on herself, and she said that she would have been fine with any criticism, or even going home because she believes she is beautiful now. When she was in front of the panel, she really let it bother her, but as Janice said, they were just trying to shock her into getting to that next level.

I didn't think Tatiana was ugly, but she wasn't a bad choice to be eliminated this week. She did take a good picture and was OK during the interviews, but she has been take it or leave it all year. The biggest problem with feeling detached is that she didn't let a lot of personality show as a result, and that really hurt her when she was in front of the judges. I would like to say more, but we have seen so little of her, I don't really have that much to say.

Up next week, Keenya is getting a little chubs, and the models go for their first little bit of travel.

Constantine Brings New Suck to American Idol

Other noticeable images after the jump...

Constantine once again flashes his lethal tongue. Remember the innocent days when all we feared was his peasant grin and faux tough-guy smirk?

Carrie Underwood commences the single longest note in American Idol history. For a moment we forget her new disco dance move: the old lady shuffle.

Just exactly how round can one man be?

Why does the sound of Anthony Federov's voice make me feel like I'm in a dentist's office?

She's still going. This is gonna be a long night, folks.

Wow. A dangerously close Anwar nip-slip. You know, I kind of like this jacket/bellbottoms look. I'm glad he wears it EVERY SINGLE WEEK.

Carrie Underwood is rushed to the hospital after passing out on stage. Ironically, she's still holding her note. Get this girl 10 cc's of apple pie, STAT!

The Power of One

Survivor has officially launched into traditional scheming mode. After weeks of increasingly compelling domination by Koror, the two tribes have merged into one, thus ending the sad bloodletting of Ulong. Now the knives have come out, and we've suddenly been jarred back to reality - or at least reality television. The happy home that was Koror has now vanished in favor of petty scheming and spiteful backstabbing. And I couldn't be happier. Alliances, mistrust, and greed is what this game's all about. The Ulong experiment was fun, but now it's time to get down to business.

Of course, just because a merge was on the horizon didn't mean that Mark Burnett was going to let Steph off the hook easily. Before she could join her rival team, she first had to endure a lonesome night on the beach with nary a teammate or painted volleyball to keep her company. To highlight her plight, Mark Burnett was sure to kick off the episode with the provocative image of a statuesque crab sitting on the evening beach. Ah yes, the crab intro. Always a favorite of mine. But unlike the usual skittish crustaceans frantically scampering across the midnight sand, this crab had a pensive quality about it which was further underscored as it quietly tiptoed off the screen as if to say "I must go now. Be well, America."

As the mysterious crab receded into the darkness of Pulau, Steph came stumbling out of the woods looking lost, confused, and still so damn sexy. She immediately tended to her fire and expressed concern over sleeping, lest her flames die out. Why the fretting? Didn't you JUST beat Bobby Jon in a kindling competition? Nevertheless, Steph did eventually catch some shut-eye, and the next morning she got to work experiencing her own personal Island of the Blue Dolphins. The first order of business: staring at the ocean. The show then cut to some massive waves heading her way. Great. Another tsunami. Actually, it turned out to be just random footage of waves that were probably three inches tall. Steph seemed unconcerned as she turned her attention to a coconut which she inefficiently hacked open with the help of a machete. Hmmm... In some ways this was really cool to watch. And in other ways, it was a little lame. It probably would have been more compelling had Steph devolved into a ravenous beast, or maybe Jody Foster in Nell.

Thankfully, we moved onto Koror which was on the verge of self-destruction. Grim, scary music played as we found our serial winners huddled around the picnic table in the grips of boredom and malaise. Ian donned a bizarre makeshift hat which did the unthinkable: made him look more goofy. I really thought he had already reached the nadir of cartoony awkwardness, but I was wrong. Anyway, the lanky dolphin trainer complained to us in an interview that various people around the camp were starting to annoy him. Would tart Katie be one of them? No. Instead, Ian directed his disapproval towards Janu. "She's like the dysfunctional aunt who lives in the attic," he explained. Wait, what? Does Ian keep his aunt in his attic? That hardly seems therapeutic. I don't want to even know how many severed dolphin heads are in his freezer.

Still, crazy Aunt Millie in the attic be damned; Ian had more axes to grind. "Coby got kind of this attitude about him," said Ian. "He's become the pouter of the tribe." Funny. I was going to say he'd become the Miss Thang of the tribe. I guess they're not mutually exclusive. Speaking of Coby, he was off in the water giving Caryn an all too sensual head scrubbing with the Pantene Pro-V. The two talked strategy, but I couldn't help but notice Caryn's disturbingly erotic reactions to the shampoo in her sensibly short, proto-feminist hair. "Proto-feminist". I don't even know what that means. It just sounded right. Anyway, Coby bitched and moaned that he had been doing all the work while the girls had just sat back and acted cute (Jenn), withered away (Janu), or swung vines into walls (Katie). The guys weren't innocent either. Coby accused them of "pretend fishing": staring at hooks and fantasizing about fish, but not actually going out and catching anything. It's funny: I pretend fish all the time. Except instead of hooks, I stare at my wallet, and instead of fish, I fantasize about money.

Meanwhile, over at Ulong - or Stephville featuring Mayor Steph and her sidekick, Sheriff Palm Frond - our solo worker was busy trying to conquer nature, or specifically, a coconut tree. She poked, shook, and even climbed this fruit-bearing plant, but alas, she only managed to wrangle in one more coconut. Luckily for her, a brand new piece of Tree Mail arrived via the Tree Postal Service. Steph weeped tears of joy as she learned it was finally time for her to join the Koror tribe. "It's a merge! I'm gonna have friends!" she exclaimed. Steph, you've been alone for twelve hours. Let's not be overdramatic. Nevertheless, she gathered her belongings, kicked Sheriff Palm Frond to the side, and headed over to Koror, triumphantly sneering, "See you later, Poo-Long!" Wow, I didn't know people talked like that outside of 1980s teen comedies.

Koror was immediately energized as Steph docked her outrigger on their shores. I can certainly understand. Prior to Stephenie's arrival, the afternoon's main entertainment had come from watching Janu sniff a flower. Anyway, the tribe welcomed its new member with open arms as everyone cooed "Heyyyyy!!!!" Yay! New member! NOW LET'S VOTE HER OFF!

Stephenie got right down to business as she quickly stripped off her nasty Ulong buff and wrapped a shiny, new Koror rag around her boobies. Then it was time to have a heart to heart with the girls, including Jenn who appeared to have just returned from the Palau day spa. The girls quickly filled Steph's ears with sweet nothings, especially Katie who seemed to sprout an instant she-crush. "Everyone loves you," she said, adding "Especially ME. You still think I'm the prettiest right? We'll always be sisters! Sisters 'til the DEATH!! Now let's ditch blondie and drive to New Mexico!" Katie then pulled out a knife and held it to Jenn's neck. But then Jenn smiled and the knife evaporated into starlight.

Of course, we weren't the only ones who noticed Katie's mild infatuation with Stephenie. Island observer Coby immediately honed in on it, stating that "Katie shot up Steph's butt!" Insert Ian/Tom joke here.

Just when the gossiping was getting good, some of those pesky Survivor natives paddled in. Coby became immediately incensed as Tom happily greeted the tribesmen (real tribesmen, not James and Bobby Jon) and implemented his phony laugh. I kind of felt like Tom was being sincere, but Coby was clearly on some bitchy rant, and who was I to stop him? This was a reality show, after all. Please, bitch away.

Anyway, the natives said they would teach the clueless Americans how to fish, prompting Tom to reach into his bag of clichés and say "Give a man to fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he eats for a lifetime." He then added, "I say this only because people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, but hey, that's the way the cookie crumbles."

Our first petty conflict soon arose as the native dudes offered to teach the guys how to fish. Coby wanted to learn, but only two guys could go. That didn't stop the über-clique of Tom, Ian, and Gregg from jumping on the outrigger. As a result, Coby became extremely upset (READ: passive aggressive) as he resolved to stay back with the girls and learn how to bait hooks. To add insult to injury, the guys wouldn't just leave. Tom then stuck around to teach all the women how to bait, causing Coby to nearly lose it. Finally, the hairdresser insisted that he would teach the women and scoffed Tom out to open sea where the only person he could talk down to would be the camera man.

With happy Survivor music playing, the guys learned how to reel in the seafood, and even I was impressed when Tom seemed to catch what appeared to be a giant whale. Good god! That thing is huge! Oh wait. The camera was just really, really zoomed in. Turns out Tom's fish was but a mere scrap, worthy of Bobby Jon's talents. Seriously, though. It looked like a goliath!

That evening, the tribe ate its fish feast, and to the delight of everyone, the natives brought along some crazy rum. As usual, Caryn was quite excited (we all remember her laughing fits a few weeks ago the first time she consumed alcohol). The real story here though was Tom who turned out to be an utter lightweight. After two cups of rum, he nearly keeled over and rolled into the surf. Yes, he committed the cardinal sin of Survivor: he got drunkity drunk. First we had the slurry words, then the uneven balance, and finally, the embarrassing stumble and fall. Congrats Tom. You just undid all the machismo you'd so gallantly accumulated this season.

The next morning, Coby continued to harp on Tom's fake laughs and mannerisms. He finally decided to pull Stephenie away from the pack (or at least Katie) and lay out all the gossip. A man driven to the edge, Coby sadly did this without any finesse, ultimately raising the ire of one Tart-N-Plump Katie, but at that point, he didn't even care. He just wanted to gossip for the love of god. So what was so pressing that he just HAD to tell Stephenie: Gregg and Jenn have a secret alliance that will betray Tom and Ian, Jenn wants to vote you off because she's jealous of you, and Katie has back hair. I'm pretty sure he made the last one up. I hope.

In true Survivor fashion, Stephenie immediately reported all this back to the gals who vehemently denied everything. Jenn wrote off Coby's allegation with a nervous laugh that seemed to say "Just turn around so I can see where to put the knife." Just to make sure that Steph still felt okay, Tom came over and told her she was safe. You see, without even doing much, she was in a secret alliance with Tom, Ian, and Katie. Ah yes. Beautiful, beautiful scheming. So nice to have it back.

Soon it was time for the immunity challenge, which was an old retread of the ever popular stand-on-a-pole-until-you-die gambit. Settling in for a fun evening of standing absolutely still, Probst reclined happily in a lawn chair and watched his minions suffer on their posts. Ian gave us all the chills as he threatened to go naked for some peanut butter and chocolate - à la Jenna and Heidi on Survivor: Amazon, but we were thankfully spared of this horrific site when the gawky dolphin trainer cracked a goofy grin and kept his clothes securely draped on his skeletal frame.

After some time, Probst eventually threw the first temptation at his pliant castaways: a donut. In one of their stupider strategic moves, Coby and Janu flopped into the water and chased down that donut as if it were the first piece of food they'd had in three years. Minutes later, as he took a wet perch next to Probst, Coby relished his sugary confection, happily gloating in front of his teammates. Katie for one was not happy, and she accused the two of either wanting to go home or thinking they were above going home. Katie, just shut your prissy trap already.

With time still tickin' and Probst getting tired, the producers decided to up the ante a little bit by offering up some chocolate chip cookies. Suddenly a roar of desperation overtook the Survivors as everyone minus Tom and Steph plunged into the water and raced for those cookie. I don't blame them. They looked good. I was ready to jump in the water too, except I was, you know, sitting in my living room. Anyway, it was down to Steph and Tom, but no Survivor was a match for the glistening pizza Probst brought out next. Steph quickly caved and gave up immunity for the pizza, leaving Tom the victor once again. That was pretty dumb.

After the challenge, the team headed straight to Tribal Council where Jeff got to probe the contestants some more. He asked Jenn if Koror has gotten competitive now, and she simply smiled and said "We have a little bit of that competitiveness." She added, "I poop rainbows!"

As for Janu, she full on fessed up to the tribe that she sucked and braced for possible elimination. Well, if there's anything we know about Survivor, the person who claims he or she is going, most definitely stays. I guess it's curtains for Steph then. Oh, but wait. She just said that she regrets her pizza decision. She thinks she'll go. Hmmm... Wait a second. This episode has been all about Coby's increased friction with the tribe. I guess that means that... yup, Coby was voted out with a near unanimous vote. Truthfully, this wasn't very much of a surprise. He overplayed his cards this episode, forgetting that no one likes a bitch.

"It was a great compliment," he said as he left. Huh? Was he being sarcastic? No. He explained in his exit interview that being voted out was a testament to his status as a threat. Yeah, okay, whatever it takes to make you feel better. Truthfully though, I'm sad to see him go. Coby has not only been funny, but he's been an excellent commentator on tribe life. I guess we'll just have to listen to Ian's annoying insights, which I'll assume don't include soap, deodorant, or toothpaste.

The Eric Dane Is My Hero!

[Doing guest coverage of Project Green light is sg-dub. You can read his blog at http://weakisht.blogspot.com/.]

If you were a flabby, pasty, middle-aged guy, would you:

• a) Wear brightly colored shirts tucked into pants that were pulled up to your ribcage?


• b) Purposely look like Flava Flav's retarded white brother (right), or


• c) allow television film crews access to your bathroom while you bathe in your dingy tub?

If you answered "none of the above," then you're no John Gulager, the eternally down-in-the-dumps first time director at the center of Project Greenlight's third season. For the second week in a row, we were treated to a bath time scene of a sulking, hunched over Gulager scrubbing grime from underneath his man-boobs. Seeing Gulager wallowing in his own filth and soaping his bloated torso is, I'm sure, more disgusting and scarier than anything we'll see in "Feast," the feature length movie he's been chosen to direct. I thought about starting a "Get John Gulager a showerhead" fund, but then I remembered I'm not a very nice person.

Q) What do Dimension Films and John Gulager have in common? [answer after the jump]

A) We get to see them both take a bath on Project Greenlight! (*rimshot*)

Finally, after many weeks of preparation, it was time to get to the process of actually filming the movie - Day one of production. A good crew supports the director, inspiring him with confidence and providing that extra spark to get the job done. So it was at 5:45 AM when the first person he encountered on set greeted him with a heartfelt, "Hey John, don't f*ck it up." Sigh, I wish a PA greeted George Lucas that same way back when Jar-Jar Binks was still only a horrible idea.

We were introduced to several members of the movie's crew; the line producer, the director of photography, and the 1st AD. And then we were introduced to Gulager's innovative directorial style. After months of blocking and lining up props and camera shots, he felt the need to change things at crunch time. The very first scene to be filmed was Harley Mom (played by Gulager's wife/girlfriend) sitting on the can in the bar's bathroom. Not satisfied with the puerile qualities of that shot, John decided she needed to be smoking a crack pipe as well. Finally, Gulager would be able to fulfill the dark voyeuristic fantasy he's had since Jr. High - spying on a peeing butch tattooed woman smoking crack. (And with that last sentence, I've just upped TVgasm's Google hits ten-fold... Don't thank me, thank Gulager.) As it turned out, this bit of last second improvisation is frowned upon in the world of low-budget film making, as it adds time - and time is money. Luckily, with Jason Mewes on set, getting the necessary prop was no problem at all.

With production underway, the producers were still scrambling to score an actor to play the male lead, Hero. I know, I know, like you, my first thought was also to cast Rob Van Winkle (a.k.a. Vanilla Ice) whose stirring performance in "Cool as Ice" is seared into my brain. Say it with me now... "Drop that zero and get with the hero." Ahhh, that felt good. Unfortunately, Feast's producer's got confused over their early 90's embarrassing white boy "rappers" and instead actively sought out Mark Wahlberg, a.k.a. Marky Mark. Even more confusing, they concurrently sought out some guy named Eric Dane. Yes, the Eric Dane. I was going to make fun of him ("Las Vegas," "Charmed," "Gideon's Crossing") but then I read that he dated Alyssa Milano and married Rebecca Gayheart. Prick.

The Eric Dane and his agent somehow got wind that he was up against Marky Mark and they were (justifiably) pissed off. So pissed off, in fact, that after Josh Duhamel (that's right, Josh Duhamel was preferable to the Eric Dane) and Marky Mark turned down the movie, Dane quickly accepted the role. Gee, maybe now he'll at least get his picture up on imdb.com. Freaking Clu Gulager and Diane Goldner even have that. If the Eric Dane hadn't come through, I'd have suggested the producers just go to lunch and hire their waiter for the part - surely he'd have been of equal talent. Back on the sound stage set, things were wrapping up on day one. This was the first time we heard the phrase, "make the day." It's a Hollywood thing, I understand, but when a new phrase is as overused as much as this one was, it's really, really annoying. Yes, the cast and crew made their day and were in a very self-congratulatory mood. Everyone, that is, except for the Line producer who was very concerned about Gulager's constant use of new ideas or set shots. When confronted with this reality, Gulager dropped his melon-sized head, sighed a melancholy sigh and lamented, "It's good, we made the day, what else do you want me to say?" Oh, gee, I don't know John, how about something that doesn't totally bum me out? Just as I finished saying that to my TV, Gulager ratcheted up the pout and moped, "I get embarrassed sometimes." Really? Like when you made a complete ass of yourself with your Worst. Beatbox. Ever?

(Since the writers are more or less out of the picture at this point, I have to insert a random parenthetical to point out that wacky writer Marcus appeared to be drinking blood in his one on-camera moment. Normally, I'd think he'd just put tomato juice in a water bottle - but with him being such a tool, I'd bet he was trying to be funny.) Day two on the set was greeted with trepidation as they were filming their first FX shot - spraying Honey Pie (played by the Jenny Wade) with gallons of fake blood. Foul mouthed Chris Moore showed up to check the progress and was very pleased with all that he saw; a happy crew, a breathing Gulager, and a hot blond chick covered in fake blood. Bravo offered the perfect antidote to the hot chick with a quick scene featuring a guy who called himself a "maggot wrangler." At that, dozens of teenaged trench coat mafia members across the country whipped out their cellies, dialed up their boys and said, "Dude, I've got the perfect name for our band, dude."

The maggots were for a scene where Beer Guy (played by the Judah Friedlander - who wears Harry Carey glasses by the way) was to have the larvae crawling out his orifices. Like this dude needs any help looking gross. Just in case you're attracted to men who look like him, his multiple attempts at shooting a live maggot from his nostril would steer you away. The maggot/snot rocket scene was another spur of the moment idea dreamt up by cinematic genius John Gulager. (Improvisation on the set can sometimes be worth it; Brando with the cat in godfather, Sellers walking on water in Being There... Thats inspired. Saying lets see if he can shoot a maggot out his nose onto the lens. Not so much.) This, of course, upset the cast and crew, most notably the Director of Photography (DP), Tom Callaway. Gulager wasn't sticking to the plan exactly as written and this was driving everyone nuts. You'd think with all of Gulager's experience - oh, wait a minute, that's right, IT'S HIS FIRST TIME DIRECTING A MOVIE. I'm not about to defend Gulager, as he is a complete mess, but geeze, go a little easier on the guy.

Now would have been a good time for Gulager to stand up for himself and make his presence felt. Go get 'em John! "I get my feelings hurt a lot." Um, not exactly what I had in mind... Let's try that again. John? "I'm pretty uncomfortable with any kind of human interaction." Sheesh, this guy puts the "sad" in "sad sack." And the "sack" in "ballsack." Okay, that made no sense, but it made me chuckle. Making matters worse for him, by day 5 the actors were starting to get antsy. They weren't getting the direction they were used to getting, and they were forced to sit around and wait a lot. How dare anyone make the Eric Dane waste his precious time. Poor Jason Mewes, forced to wait a whole day and going through severe withdrawal, resorted to ripping his face off. And even poor Grandma (the Eileen Ryan) complained about being treated like an extra... An "unimportant extra" at that. You'd think she'd be used to feeling unimportant by now - seeing as though she's Sean Penn's mom and despite being well past retirement age with a multi-millionaire son, she still needs to work - in a gimmicky B-movie no less.

First Assistant Director, Stephen Maloney, gathered all the actors together, turned up his Irish accent in a lame attempt to appear wise, and tried to calm the brewing actor revolt. He reminded them that they happened to be getting paid for their time, so could they please, just STFU. Sensing the tension, the director felt the need to remind us that "it's a sad day in Gulager-ville." He went on to explain how the sky is blue and that water is, indeed, wet. At this point in production, about a week in, they weren't "making their days." Over and over we heard various crew members drone on about not making their days, making their days, possibly making their day, etc. (This is the part in the recap where wacky Feast writer Marcus would "bring it home" thusly: "Where was Dirty Harry when I needed him? 'Go ahead Gulager, make my day'" What a douche bag my hypothetical wacky writer Marcus is!)

After a week of filming, Kirk Morri the editor showed up to view the rough cut with Gulager. As expected, Gulager hated every second of it suggesting, "Make it a little more exciting... Y'know?" The look on the editor's face was pure, "With this morose corpse directing? Riiiiiight." Just then, the crushing weight of all the clinical depression stored up in his brain, caused Gulager's head to fall to one side and just lay there throughout the entire editing process. "I got into a funk," he said, followed immediately up with, "I'm just gonna go home." To his depression tub, no doubt.

The final scene was a grainy long distance shot of Gulager and his girlfriend (or wife, depending on his mood) recounting the day's events. It must be said that Diane is a very supportive woman - and it's obvious she really loves John. Looking like a henchman dockworker from a 70's cop drama, Gulager mumbled, "I get embarrassed, frustrated, and I feel like a failure. I'm full of self-doubt, and I let everybody down." In case you are retarded and didn't get the point, Diane added, "John seemed morose." And the sky is blue and water is...

I don't know about you, but I'm going to go buy some flowers and and a puppy. Which made you want to binge drink more - the show or the recap?

President Pussy's First Hour in Office

There are a lot of things we have come to expect from a season of 24. Yes, there is non-stop action and knuckle-grabbing suspense. That's the good part. Unfortunately, we also have to come to grips with the idea that certain things are implausible, but then again, that is television. If Jack Bauer and friends had to follow the laws of physics and/or probability, the show would be less fun. There has been a steep increase in the "That would never happen" moments over the last few episodes, but the story line is not as disjointed as the last couple of seasons, and the producers are still bringing that suspense everyday.

At the end of last week, we were all lamenting at how stupid Jack was for letting the football go. Although he seems like MacGuyver one minute, fashioning a diversion with some bullets, a coffee can, and some dead grass, he wasn't able to figure out a way to slow down the getaway. Couldn't he use his knife and slash some tires, perhaps cut some hoses or belts or something? Even if he just had George Foreman sit them and tell them that they aren't going to pay a lot for a muffler at Meineke would have been better than what Jack came up with.

But that is all in the past. Although the terrorists were not able to get away with the entire contents of the nuclear football, it seems that they got the most important part. You know, the pages that have the launch codes for our entire nuclear arsenal. And whoever made this nuclear football, did you have to put all of those codes in the red section? Doesn't that just scream "Important Pages!" to you?

Knowing that Marwan likely has the launch codes and is planning to secure a nuclear weapon, CTU starts the protocols to begin locating all of the known warheads. Considering all of the weapons we had created to scare the Soviets away, this is quite the monumental task. It's going to be lots of high pressure situations and the people in charge are going to have to work together well, so when Buchanan said that Tony and Michelle would be working on this together, we all sort of wondered what the hell was going on.

The current Tony and Michelle saga is much like their saga as we watched them fall in love for the first time. Every episode, we get about two minutes of them talking to each other in order to sort their feelings out. They have been pretty angry and testy before this, but ever since a few people have been making comments on how the other one seems like they are still in love, Tony and Michelle have been working things out. This week, we had a mutual respect, and an understanding that everything was in the past. We also had an awkward silence as the both realized they might have feelings for each other, with an even more awkward "I hope I'm not interrupting anything" from Chloe to kill the mood. Love works in mysterious ways in the CTU building.

Chloe did have some good information though. It turns out that they found an associate of Marwan from a terrorist watchlist. Have we noticed how many watchlists these people have? I really don't think CTU gets it. They can make a watchlist, but it doesn't seem like they can watch the watchlist. And when it comes right down to it, watching the list is the most important part of a watchlist. Why do these names keep popping up all over the place? If you are supposed to be watching them all along, why is it taking so long?

Anyway, the person on the watchlist is Yosik Khatami, an associate of Marwan's. He bought some gas at a gas station with the wrong credit card, but soon realizes his mistake. He calls Marwan for some help, and Marwan sends him to the marina, which is close to Khatami's current location in Inglewood. Now, I am assuming the marina is Marina Del Rey, and if that is the case, then Inglewood is still pretty far off. Then again, you and I have to travel on actual Los Angeles streets, and not the bullet trains that whisk 24 cast members from one side of Los Angeles to the other in five minutes. (Actually, in this episode, Jack was caught by reverse 24 travel speed. Apparently he was traveling in a helicopter, but it was going to take him more time to get back to CTU than it takes Marwan to drive back.)

With Jack in transit, CTU sends Curtis after Khatami. I love it when Curtis gets to be a bad ass. The guy is obviously smart, but why in the hell keep him behind a desk? Quite obviously, the problem at CTU is with the field teams. And even with Curtis, I was just waiting for Michelle to give the instructions. When she said "Be discreet", I thought to myself "oh yeah, I am sure that means only three field team members will die". I was waiting for her to order a hard perimeter to make sure nobody escapes. Since they were in a marina, it wouldn't be hard. Right? Right?

While we waited for Khatami to meet the guy who would get him out of town, we got a little more Tony and Michelle action at CTU. Michelle is starting to look over at Tony, and Bill Buchanan notices, and gets a little jealous. They argue a bit about his ability to do the job, and Michelle is now firmly on Tony's side, telling Buchanan that their past relationship won't hurt their ability to do the job. We also have a little update with Audrey and Jack. Paul is still in critical condition, and they are having trouble keeping him stable. Yaaaaawwwnnn. How about we get to some more important stuff, like where the hell is Secretary Heller? And what about Behrooz? Even Mitch Anderson got more of a mention with his demise. All they have to do is have some random terrorist say "we killed the boy" and it's over, just don't hold us in suspense!

At the marina, Curtis is keeping things pretty discreet. The terrorist meets some guy that looks sort of like Abe Vigoda crossed with Bruce Greenwood named Joe Prado. Yosik gets freaked out when he sees some rent-a-cop doing his security rounds. You just can't find good henchmen like you used to. Remember when Kalil killed himself rather than let Jack get close? Even that fat guy blew himself up to take out a few CTU agents. What the hell is this dude complaining about a guy making $8 an hour?

Yosik and Joe run to Joe's boat to wait it out, but they hear the CTU agents as they converge upon the boat. Khatami calls Marwan to tell him what's happened, and Marwan says he must kill Prado because he knows too much. Joe Prado doesn't give him the chance, and kills him first. When CTU comes to apprehend him, Prado claims it was all in self defense. Khatami's phone was on the whole time, and he heard that Prado was taken in custody. He knows that Prado can damage them, but he has no way to get to him. Instead, he calls a lawyer from Amnesty Global, alerting him on Prado's behalf that he was taken into custody with no charges. Don't laugh! It really happened, and I will get to that later.

When the Vice President was being sworn in last week, it seemed like he was doing all that he can not to accept the job. Even when we found out the president was barely breathgin, the Veep acted like it would be only a few minutes before he was good to go. Delusional much? The VP, Charles Logan, is a complete pussy, and Mike Novick is having trouble even listening to his bullshit. He is indecisive, doesn't know what he is doing, and is more worried about saving his own skin than helping the people of the country through this time of crisis. He heads down to the bunker underneath the White House to kind of wait it out. His advisors do convince him that he should give some assurance to the people of the United States about the nuclear weapons and the president.

Everybody is in the CTU conference room was listening to the now President make his speech. Right on cue, Audrey comes in with news of trouble with contacting a convoy in Iowa. Now, I am sure that most people realized what this mean, but somebody still had to ask what the convoy was carrying. Well, a nuclear warhead is missing you idiot. Do you think that she was going to rush into the room and say "A convoy is missing, but don't sweat it, because it was only carrying transporting some fig newtons. Oh is that the President on TV? Sorry!"

I know that by this time in the season, the writers have to have a lot of things set up for anything to be believable, but what about this convoy ambush? First of all, wouldn't we have gone into the process of securing our weapons and accounting for warheads when Heller was kidnapped? Perhaps when nuclear reactors were starting to melt down? I know they were being transported to be dismantled, but if he are on Orange alert or Red alert, doesn't anybody get a little bothered? And if you think this convoy was ambushed by some swat team with sophisticated weapons and what not, you would be wrong. It was a bunch of guys in the back of an old Ford truck. I saw that superman movie, you don't just transport a nuclear weapon without a bunch of soldiers around. I am very skeptical that even the Boy Scouts would have been outnumbered by some terrorists during a weapons transport. However, let's stay back in the world of 24.

Joe Prado is back at CTU and Edgar Styles is pissed! He's fat, the gets picked on, he has to answer the phone, and his grandmother died. He wants Joe Prado to hurt and hurt badly. Chloe, on the other hand, just wants him to worry about his job. For the fourth season of 24, I want these two to be married. Could you imagine Chloe pregnant? Can you imagine Edgar reading to his kid? An episode of Edgar reading "Horton Hears a Who" would have me rolling. I miss my Dina Araz impressions, but the Edgar Style impression is also pretty fun.

Curtis is not only good at kicking ass, he is a master at torture, at least when he thinks that torture is a good option. That whole "sensory deprivation" produced jack shit. So when he says that he is going to use Richards, you know that shit is going to get down. For those of you who don't know, Richards is the the CTU guy who knows torture. I think they keep him in the observation room next to interrogations all day. For a guy who does interrogations, this must be his dream day. Everybody's coming in! Curtis is just about to instill the fear of God into Prado when Michelle tells him to stop. Wha??

Remember that Amnesty Global lawyer(played by Evan Handler of Sex and the City Fame) Marwan called? Apparently, he got a court order to stop the interrogation, and Buchanan is having no luck convincing the judge that Prado is a national security concern, he has had a clean record for the last five years, and has been charged with no crime. The lack of interrogation is starting to piss off Edgar. He confronts Buchanan to the point of insubordination. Buchanan lets him off because you know, he did stop over a 100 reactors from blowing up, but Chloe doesn't let him off so easily. When she asks him if this is affecting his work he says "I have a photographic memory in case you forgot" to which Chloe replies "You only tell me like every other day!" They'll be driving to Vegas by the end of this season.

Jack arrives on the scene, and he is also wondering why in the hell this guy isn't crying like a little baby yet. He goes to the interrogation room, and then tries to reason with the lawyer. They get into a bunch of talk about the constitution, but that isn't working either. Then Jack begins to put two and two together. How in the hell did Prado get a lawyer so quickly? He was in custody the whole time. Somebody must of called the lawyer, and the only person who would have known that Prado needed one was Habib Marwan.

They are running out of time, and so Jack calls the President. Logan can't make a decision, so he scuttles all of his advisors out except for Novick and Walt to ask them about torture. Novick, of course, wants to do with this guy whatever CTU should find necessary. Walt is on the other side, he tells the President it would be a blemish on his administration if anything was bad to happen. The President is more interested in his own good name, so he doesn't authorize any torture. God this guy sucks, and I wish he could make a decision. Luckily, there is somebody around that knows about being presidential and has a history with Mike - David Palmer. That's right, it looks like President Palmer is taking a break from building his library to help out a spineless politician get some guts.

But Palmer gets introduced later in the episode, and they still can't torture Prado. This is no good. Jack needs a way to get at him, but he can't figure out how. Then it occurs to him. If he is not charged with a crime, then they should leave him free to go. Jack could then resign from his CTU position, meaning he was no longer working for the government, and take Prado on as a citizen without repercussion . This works for everybody, so they decide to let Prado go. Joe knows that something is wrong, and wonders why all of this is happening all of a sudden. I am honestly wondering why he didn't talk. Once he was in custody, he was assured of dying if he was ever free to the outside world, Marwan couldn't take the chance. He must of been thinking of that when Curtis let him out of CTU.

Edgar saw Prado leaving and was absolutely pissed! It took Edgar only 18 hours for him to grow a set of nuts, but he is definitely saying what is on his mind. I desperately wanted Edgar to snap and go postal on Prado, but it looked like cooler heads prevailed.

Prado was still worried when he left the building, but is assured by his lawyer that the US Marshall will take him anywhere he wants. He advises him to head to a hotel and contact him if there is any problem. Just as the lawyer is driving off and the Marshall is letting Prado into the car, Jack comes from behind and uses a stun gun on him and the Marshall goes down right away. (God, even Sarah took two jolts before she was incapacitated). I actually thought Edgar might go postal and get to Prado before Jack did, and shoot him or something, but that never happened.

Jack is pretty good getting answers out of people. He handcuffs one of Prado's hands to the dashboard, and the other to a handle behind the seat. He tells Prado that he is going to need some information. Even though there was no blood involved, the next scene had me cringing. Jack started breaking Joe's fingers, and pulling them backward, trying to get him to talk. After a few dislocations and some VERY audible breakage of his phalanges, Prado started to talk. Marwan was going to be at some nightclub. Why, we don't know. But we now know that Jack is on the case. How long can Marwan stay at large, especially now that Jack is basically a rogue agent? If they do eventually catch Marwan, I have a feeling he will have one of the best 24 deaths EVAR!

What big eyes you have...Now talk!

How To Breed Misogyny

In honor of the complete and utter stupidity exhibited on tonight's episode of The Inferno II, I wanted to assemble a list of some of Bunim/Murray's most ridiculous women, starting with shallow vagina fiend Veronica. Luckily, The D List has already beaten me too it. I'm not totally in synch with these rankings, but they sure as hell are funny. I personally liked this description of Ruthie:

"That bitch Ruthie tried to throw herself off a balcony one episode! Now she is all cleaned up and acts all depressed when people get kicked off the challenge."

Since I can never resist enumerating dumb people, I might do my own comprehensive analysis of Bunim/Murray's dimmest bulbs. Until then, please read and enjoy the "Top Real World/Road Rules Sluts of All Time."

Cold Hearted Snakes

Ever wonder what Ryan Atwood from The OC would do on an airplane full of deadly snakes? Me neither. But according to Jam! Showbiz, Benjamin McKenzie has been cast in Flight 121, a thriller starring Samuel Jackson as a special agent who accidentally opens up a crate of venomous snakes on a Trans-Pacific flight. You just know the flight attendants will get bitchy about that. Mr. McKenzie will play a novice pilot who we'll assume battles the snakes with overly theatrical eye-darting and clenched-teeth rage.

If any of this sounds familiar, it's because the story is a complete rip-off of an obscure Saturday Night Live skit (2/7/98) where a pack of cobras kill everyone on an airplane. I imagine, however, that Flight 121 will not feature a long monologue by a snake at its climax. Nevertheless, we're always happy to see actors from our favorite shows go off and try to make it big in silly movies. Good luck Ben! Don't forget your floatation device!

Dreamiest Wedding EVER!

We here at TVgasm are always happy to report on celebrity weddings, if only to start the counter for the inevitable scandal, divorce, and fallout. While most people in the television universe seem fixated on Rob and Amber's secret (yet televised) wedding over the weekend, we prefer to focus on dreamy lovebirds / future-cocaine dependents Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush, who joined in holy matrimony just a few days ago. Attendees of the wedding described the affair as "Like, oh my god!" and "Soooo cool." Guests allegedly swooned in the aisles, especially when CMM delivered his vows, which apparently were nothing more than a distant - yet complex - stare. When asked about how she felt marrying a man with three first names, Sophia Bush replied "Tee hee! I'm pretty!"

Thankfully, for all of us who didn't receive an invite (mine must have gotten lost in the mail), the happy couple has graciously offered up a photo from the ceremony. The picture shows two wax figures clutched in a very Senior Prom embrace. Apparently this was a blatant promotional gimmick for Chad Michael Murray's new flick, House of Wax ("Prey. Slay. DISPLAY!" - Did a tap dance instructor come up with that tagline?). We wish the newlyweds well and look forward to future waxy depictions of their married life.

Bunim/Murray Shocker : Somebody Outsmarts Veronica

By all accounts the current season of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Inferno II is as enjoyable as any challenge season in recent memory. Other than the first few challenges when the idea was still new and interesting, the recent reunions have been largely absent of many reasons to watch. Sure there are elements of the population who will need their fix of the latest Bunim/Murray gossip, but as far as good television goes, there wasn't much there. OK, I am kidding nobody here. While the actual competitions are quite a bit better this time around, the best part about The Inferno II is that it has give us seemingly endless opportunities to watch all of these people tear each other apart for increasingly petty reasons based on increasingly poor logic.

Another big reason that people watch the show is that we also get the scoop on who are the next possible couples in the Bunimmurrayverse. Battle of the Sexes II enlightened us to Coral and Abe's relationship, and let us watch as Robin and Mark cast their bets on love's fickle flame as well. Our real-life encounter with Rachel and Veronica let us in on probably reality's least kept secret, but there hasn't been too much love in the air during this season so far. The only thing that has even qualified as a longing stare was when Dan was trying to tear himself away from Karamo.

Luckily, there is only so long before you can keep a bunch of fit and single men and women together in one place before people start flirting. The odds are simply against you. So when we saw that Jodi and the Miz were "relating to each other" and were happy to have somebody "who is a friend" and will "stay up late", you knew that something was going to happen. When we heard that Jodi had made a bet and lost, you know that it was more than just innocence at play.

Jodi played one of the oldest tricks in the book. She doesn't want to look like Tonya(notice I didn't say slut, implying that Tonya is a huge slut and everybody hates her would be wrong. depending on who you ask, it may be true, but we aren't going to say it) and just get naked at the drop of the hat, she wants a little more intrigue. An easy way to do this would be to place a bet on something saying you will get naked if you lose. Now, I can't be sure how badly Jodi wanted to win, or if she simply wanted to lose her bet and get naked, but she did lose, and she did get naked, and she did jump into the pool, per the bet. Sure she played like she didn't want to get out of the water while Mike was holding the towel, but she did, and made sure he saw a little bit of cheek, tits, and cooter to peak the interests of the Miz.

This week's "Bunim/Murray Contestant Attempts to Read" was brought to you by Landon. I am not sure if he just has a strange tone when he speaks or if Bunim/Murray hired the High School Reunion sound editors to splice the audio together, but it may me glad that he spent his seven years in college learning how to build playgrounds and not learning how to to teach phonics.

After a few minutes conclusively proving that the Sidekick II is not an Etch-A-Sketch, we learned that the everybody had to be at the marina wearing their swimsuits. Swimsuits are usually a good indicator that there will be water involved in the competition, and that was indeed the case. Dave Mirra explained the rules for "Fill in the Gaps". There were two pieces of glass with a number of holes in them. Plastic tubing ran from each hole to container that held water. The water would flow through the holes, and the teams would try and stop the water from coming out. Each side split into two groups, and each group would be timed on how long it took their water to empty to a certain level. The better you held the holes, the less water would come out, and the longer your time would be. Abram eloquently explained that a team would lose if they had the most water flow out the quickest. Or, if that is too hard for you to grasp, a team would lose if they kept the most water in the tank the longest. Great job at explaining that one Abram. I heard Ikea is looking to add some additional redundancy to their furniture diagrams, why not give it a shot? Anyway, the two groups for each team would have their score added, and the highest score wins.

Fill your gaps was not terribly exciting. The water flowed, and people contorted their bodies to stop it. What was hilarious was listening to everybody talk about strategy. Each side was allowed to pick their own groups, which meant that it could be as fair or lopsided as you decided. Not knowing whether plugging holes would be more advantageous to the women or the men, both the Bad Asses and the Good Guys split their teams up evenly among boys and girls. And here I thought they were all just pretty faces.

If you though that was a killer strategy, you would have loved to hear CT talk. He was like "Yo Tonya! You should, like, take your tits and use them to stop the water. Like, your nipples could, like, stick in there" I am not sure if he was trying to be serious or funny. All you people from the Boston area, please tell me these aren't the type of people that are considered intelligent or funny in the areas where you grew up. Don't you have people to bully kids this stupid and lame into lives as social outcasts so they don't show up on TV and torment the rest of us for years?

Like most other attempts at strategy in this game, it had little to do with the outcome. The Bad Asses won yet another challenge, and added another $10,000 to their bank. That makes it 50 large for the Bad Asses and only $20,000 for the Good Guys.

It was the girls' time to go into the Inferno this week, and the Good guys decided that it should be between Tonya and Veronica. They know that Veronica is not that good of a player, but if she left, it would be a huge blow for their team. It would likely put Rachel in a bad mood. I don't know what it is about Veronica that makes people on her teams listen to her and rally against whoever she hates, but it happens, and she uses it to her advantage. Julie also said that she would rather go against Veronica, but Jamie and Shavonda would have felt better going against Tonya. The official vote was for Tonya, but Julie said that if they are the second ones to pick who was to go into the inferno, why not switch their pick? If they call Jamie or Shavonda, they will say Tonya, if it is Jodi or Julie, they'll say Veronica.

The Bad Asses had a similar strategy. Jodi is a strong player physically, easily the strongest of any of the Good Girls. At the same time, she is not mentally focused and breaks down easily under pressure - witness the citrus squeezing challenge. Derrick had said earlier that he would feel bad about voting for Jodie because "she's my girl" as he said, but the rest of his teammates chose her anyway.

When it came time to announce the Inferno opponents, the Bad Asses went first, and selected Jodi. Jodi then did exactly as was expected and called on Veronica. When Veronica's name was called, her entire team acted like it was some huge surprise. Let me think this one out. Tina has already gone into the Inferno and won, and Rachel is strong enough to play men's lacrosse. Neither of those two had much of a chance of getting picked. Between Veronica and Tonya, it was a tossup. I just don't get the huge surprise in that decision.

Not soon after the vote was cast, a few of the Bad Asses heard that the good guys had switched the pick. That basically means some associate producer filled them in on the whole thing, but let's be glad they did. Immediately the Bad Asses started to cry foul. That's not fair! You can't do that! It's against the rules! He took my lunch money! Well, maybe it was against the rules, but the producers would have decided if it was and made a ruling. Nobody took any actual votes, so it's not like somebody was disenfranchised from voting for Tonya Nobody's civil rights were violated since they were in Mexico. And if they had been chosen second, none of this would have happened.

It's great to see how all of the Bad Asses act when something doesn't go their way. Even though they have won two Infernos, they wouldn't stop complaining. It wasn't that they were upset, it was that they cared about the integrity of the game. If you could just switch your votes, then what next? I wanted Jamie or somebody to come out and say that it wasn't a democracy but a cheerocracy, but the didn't happen. We just got more bitching. Eventually, Veronica had fessed up to what was really bothering her. See, in all of the previous challenges, she was really a student of the game, and the stickler for the rules, but this time, somebody outsmarted her. WHOA! STOP THE PRESS! Hey Vicky Vale, there is somebody out there with more smarts than Veronica! You would think with all of that education and having spent the last 6 years doing these challenges, people would have learned not to mess with a girl who runs an online T-shirt business and had been in Playboy.

The Bad Asses say that what the Good Guys did was shady, and not in the spirit of the game. Apparently, they forgot about the time when they all threw a challenge in an effort to eliminate an unwanted member of their team. Not actually competing is more of a tragedy that some simple switch played for the Inferno. Did I mention that the producers could have stopped the "cheating" if they wanted to? I also think the Bad Asses are upset that they haven't had any strategy that was worth anything. And both times they tried to use any strategy (one to save Tina, once to jump in the water) it has caused them to lose challenge.

Still, the Bad Asses acted as if Jodi had shat in tan oven and turned it on broil. I personally couldn't figure out what the whole stink was about (ha ha). Without any sense of logic or reasoning, people just picked up on Veronica's anger over the situation. Rachel acted as if they had just banned steroids in Mexico too. Even Derrick, Jodi's best friend there, said he didn't know who to believe. Dan, who we can usually count on for some logic, and who constantly laments how unreasonable and simple-minded his teammates are when it comes to reasoning, got in on the act. He told Jodi "I thought I was the biggest bitch in this place!" You got to admit, it was a good line, but it still didn't lend any substance to their argument.

Eventually, Jodi broke down and cried. Mike tried to explain to her that this was all that Veronica can do. She is not the strongest, so she tries to make people weak-minded so she has some sort of edge against them. That usually involves getting a bunch of people to scream and/or gang up on people that can't defend themselves and can't find people to back them up (Sarah, Katie).

After all that was said and done, we are still reminded of the fact that Veronica can still win the life shield(maybe he team will throw the mission again, for the sake of the game's "integrity") and save herself from the Inferno. It is certainly going to be Rachel's mission to win and save her. Also lost upon the Bad Asses was that the reason they picked Jodi (she cracked under pressure) hasn't changed since she called out Veronica. Only Karamo has lost in the Inferno, so Veronica has at least a halfway decent chance.

As for what I think about this whole Veronica and Sarah, Katie, Jodi situation? Jodi, Please Maim Veronica.

You Got Me Feeling Emotions

There was much to love about this week's Apprentice. We had tears in the boardroom (always amusing), candidates sleeping on the job, and Tana making scandalous comments within the first minute of the show. Unfortunately, there was only one element missing: a volcanic eruption of rage from our dearest Chris. Wow. Maybe he had turned his life around? Maybe his violent anger had finally been quelled? Or maybe he had simply taken some meds? Yeah, that was probably it. After all, this was the same guy who got arrested last week for haggling over a bar cover. I personally would like to see some spin-off show where Chris gets angry doing everyday activities. You know, like washing his car or ordering at McDonald's. I bet the Supermarket Express Lane episode would be a two hour special. Mmmm... Rage-licious!

This week's episode began with the usual roundtable discussion of who'd be coming back from the boardroom. Bren thought it would be Alex, Kendra thought it would be Angie, and Craig thought it would be... well, Craig doesn't like decisions. Actually, he was putzing around in the kitchen, maybe thinking up another list of cryptic sayings to guide his team. Tana, meanwhile, expressed annoyance that Chris was still in the running. "Why does Chris get to snake out?" she asked, perplexed at the boiling tea kettle's constant ability to avoid firing. Later she put on her dirty little MILF hat and said Chris was out of his league. Well, actually, what she really said was "He's a virgin, and we're all sluts." This therefore confirms my theory that Chris needs to get laid. Boo-ya! Personally, I was a bit surprised that Tana would use such imagery. I thought she might say something like "He's Will Smith and we be all my homey, Lil' Jon," but hey, who am I to predict the mysterious ways of the Tana?

Ultimately, Alex and Chris did return to the suite, and while hugs and screams of fake delight filled the foyer, Tana once again registered disappointment. This time, however, she spoke to us with what appeared to be the world's largest pipe cleaner wrapped around her neck. It was either that or a coral reef. I'd also accept "giant sea cucumber" or "puffy purple monster".

Anyway, with everyone reunited, it was time for laughs and rockin' good times (hey, whatever happened to that anthem of "UNBELIEVABLE!"?). With a happy grin on his face, Chris detailed the brutality of the boardroom by saying how Trump had called him a disaster. "We were having the same conversation," Bren joked (but not really). "That's not funny," Chris joked back (but not really either). Chris then pulled out a medieval mace and chased Bren around the apartment, yelling "I DID NOT FIND THAT FUNNY! I AM NOT A DISASTER! I AM INCREDIBLY AGGRESSIVE BECAUSE I SPEAK FACTS, NOT UNFACTS!"

Nevertheless, after two Boardrooms in a row with serious reprimanding from The Donald, Chris knew it was time for him to step up. He announced to us that he wanted to be Project Manager because he had to kick some ass. Chris then bared his teeth, hissed, and spat a sticky substance that later burned a hole through the floor.

The next morning, we met up with the grand poobah that is Trump as he made small talk with two extremely nervous-looking Pontiac Execs. You'd think they were uneasy about being on TV, but I actually think it was just general apprehension about having their product potentially sullied by maladroit reality stars. Anyway, the Pontiac people were on camera to hawk their new car, the Pontiac Solstice. Ooooh. It's sleek, shiny, sporty, and arbitrarily named! Finally, a car that brings to mind the joys of really long days, really short days, and Neopagan rituals!

Of course, Trump was a big fan of the Solstice (although we'll see if he plans to dirty up his Bentley, Rolls, and Ferrari collection with the pedestrian Pontiac brand). The big man commented on how great the car looked, and the good news for Pontiac was that this flashy new automobile lacked the awkward stylings of their previous reality show offer, the Aztek (pity the poor Survivor winners who were stuck with that ugly pile of metal).

Why does Craig look like he just arrived from 1942?

After the teams arrived in Trump's presence, Net Worth stole Bren, making the teams even at three people a piece. The Donald then detailed this week's mission: teams would have to create a marketing brochure for the Solstice. "It's totally beautiful... sexy, gorgeous, two-seat, roadster" said Trump. He then added, "At first I wanted to marry one, but instead, I decided to turn Melania into a car." Melania then rolled into the room looking like a supermodel version of Benny the Cab.

I still don't know why Trump made the Melaniamobile so cartoony. And why is she a taxi?

Actually, that didn't happen, but Trump did say that the winner of The Apprentice would win a Solstice, which is a mild upgrade from Bill Rancic's Chrysler Crossfire (and I'm not sure if my memory is correct on this one, but didn't Kelly win a lame Buick last season?). Anyway, with the mission laid out for everyone, I was somewhat disheartened to see that Trump had not awkwardly added in a comment like "You'll win a new Pontiac Solstice, much in the same way everyone wins whenever they try Domino's Cheeseburger Pizza, which market research says you want. The lesson: eat Domino's in your Pontiac."

Anyway, Kendra stepped up to be Project Manager because her background in publicity and previous experience creating promotional brochures would serve the team well. Tana had no problem ceding power to her teammate, and neither did Craig who happily avoided the responsibilities of PM. He then wiped his brow and said "That was a difficult decision. Don't put me on the spot like that again!" With everything said and done, Kendra quickly boasted about her strengths in this area - a surefire foreshadowing of task failure. Unfortunately, Kendra's awesome marketing skillz were immediately thwarted when her plan of integrating a CD into the brochure was summarily reject by Tana and Craig. In an interview, Kendra complained that her teammates had shot down all her ideas. Um, I only heard one idea. If that was all you had, well, then you've got problems.

Meanwhile, the New-Look Net Worth chuckled happily in a taxi cab as they realized they could do nothing less than nail this task. The camera then zoomed in entirely too close to Bren's face, but luckily, the image quickly shifted to Chris who laughed maniacally with the thought of conquering Magna. "Exxxcelent!" he chuckled with Monty Burns-esque glee. I'm pretty sure he was joking, but that still didn't explain why he then bit Alex's arm off.

After coming back from commercial, Trump informed us on the necessities of pulling all-nighters. Okay, so which lazy team isn't going to last until the wee hours of the morning? While I pondered that, teams made their way over to the bathhouse to shoot pics of the Solstice. Wait, what? The bathhouse? Was this car going to be hanging out with naked old Turkish men? Or was it merely getting a discreet blow job in a toilet stall? Actually, neither thankfully (sorry, I know I just scalded your eyes with the image of vehicular fellatio). Turns out the "bathhouse" was actually a soundstage of some sort. Kendra and company quickly got to work coming up with a game plan. She told Craig to supervise the photo shoot while she and Tana take care of the exterior shots. Before heading out though, Kendra made sure the photographer understood her vision, causing Craig to complain that she was a micromanager. Yeah, if there's anything Craig doesn't like, it's when people make decisions for him. Don't you see? No decisions should ever be made by anyone, anytime!

Later, Kendra and Tana headed out to supervise photos of the Solstice out on the street. Never one to turn down a chance to research, the two ladies informally polled some passers by to see what sort of emotions the car evoked for them. You see, Kendra had decided that the theme for the brochure would be "emotion." Each page would speak to a different, you guessed it, emotion, and therefore it was imperative that she get a list of appropriate, er, emotions. I really could use some better synonyms around now.

As for Net Worth, well, I wasn't exactly sure what their theme was. I think it was "car." As in "here is a car." Under the creative aegis of Chris, Net Worth immediately put together its game plan which basically was "Let's have Bren run the show instead." Yes Bren, when he wasn't fawning over the Solstice, immediately took a leadership position as he made a list of all the shots necessary for the brochure. Even Chris, the PM, was asking Bren for clearance on decisions. Unfortunately, the two made the silly mistake of leaving Alex to oversee the interior photo shoot, a task whose multiple responsibilities were sure to befuddle our resident metrosexual. We knew things would go sour when before leaving, Bren emphasized to Alex the importance of getting a picture of the Solstice logo. Why, that shouldn't be very hard, right? Let's not forget, we were dealing with Alex here. Judging by his task list last week, anything with as little as two responsibilities would be double his comfort zone.

As soon as Mom and Dad left, Alex sicked a second rate T.J. Maxx model on the poor Solstice. Now, it's well known that cars and women fit in male fantasies like peas in a pod, but wasn't this combo a bit, uh, déclassé for the Solstice? I mean, years of fancy French names could be ruined in one tacky photo. Just think, where would the company be without the Le Mans, the Parisienne, the Grand Prix, the Bonneville, or the Vibe (pronounced Veebé, thank you very much). Needless to say, I highly questioned Alex's creative vision.

Meanwhile, Chris was outside getting the exteriors. Specifically, he was yelling at the photographer, "LET'S GET A CRAZY TWEAK SHOT!!" I'm not sure, but I think "crazy tweak shot" was Chris's way of saying "Best Friend". Well, while our own crazy tweak shot bubbled over with joy/rage, Alex, this season's sleeper failure (no pun intended in advance), continued to lead the interior photo shoot with typical myopia. Instead of focusing on the specific images requested by Bren, he spent nearly all the film on the aforementioned America's Next Bland Model. Ah yes. Alex and his continued attempts to feign interest in women.

Later, when the photo shoots had come and gone and the results were less than stellar, Chris was shocked - SHOCKED - to see that Alex had dropped the ball. "I did not see that coming," he told us. How did you not see that coming? Were you not paying attention the past two challenges? The guy can't do shit! Case in point: after all the photos came back, there was only one shot of the interior. One? Only one??? Apparently this seems to be Alex's favorite number.

Sadly for Bren, that one photo did not include the sought-after logo. Wow. Bren had emphasized that logo so much that even I was ready to bust out my digital cam to get a shot of it. How could Alex bungle that up? Oh that's right. HE'S ALEX! Amusingly, the slacker had a nice mixed bag of blatant excuses to keep the angry teammates at bay. They ranged from "We had no time" to "There just wasn't any time" to "I thought we got one" to "I AM AN IDIOT!" Luckily there would be some good exterior shots, right? Well, unfortunately, the guys kinda forgot to get a shot of the car as a whole. That's actually a bit of a lie, actually. Turns out Chris got two whole pictures of the car, but one was blurry, and the other was just okay. Surely this would lead to a Chris meltdown, right? Wrong. Instead, Chris embraced the blurry image, saying that it looked cool. Yeah, except it's BLURRY. You know, there's a difference between artistic motion blur and general fuzziness. Despite these setbacks, the guys kept it together and powered on to write the text. Well, at least Bren did. Chris spent his evening harnessing the complexities of sitting in a chair. Judging by the footage of him literally tumbling out of one for no good reason, it's safe to say he's still got quite a ways to go before honing this lost art form. "I WILL CONQUER THIS CHAIR! I DO NOT FALL OUT OF CHAIRS AND THAT IS A FACT!!!"

Meanwhile, other meltdowns were occurring at Magna. Craig was cranky, as usual, and as the hours ticked away into the early morning, he became downright surly. He bitched and moaned that there was no vision, no theme for the brochure, much to Kendra's disbelief. Uh, Craig, the theme is emotions. For crying out loud, how many times does she have to say it? Is he always this dense? I can just imagine the first time Craig met Kendra:

Kendra: Hi, I'm Kendra.

Craig: What's your name?

Kendra: Kendra.

Craig: Why won't you tell me your name? I don't hear a name.

Kendra: It's Kendra.

Craig: Fine, don't tell me.

(Now imagine them bowing to your applause while a harpsichord plays a few twinkly notes).

Craig's inability to grasp Kendra's VERY SIMPLE CONCEPT served as a good excuse for him and Tana to call it quits at 2:30 AM. The two old fogies complained that they were tired and ineffective, but just to make sure thre were no hard feelings, Tana threw in a dash of PA by telling Kendra that they also didn't really see her vision or expertise in the area of magazine/brochure publishing. Kendra responded by saying she respected their honesty (ooh, happy family!) but she was incredibly offended by it (yikes, angry family!). Tana merely stifled a laugh, contorting her face into the sort expression a guilty eighth grader has after upsetting a teacher. Nevertheless, the two were unswayed by Kendra's exasperation, and they made their way home for several hours of rejuvenating sleep. Well, according to The Donald, the lack of all-nighters means that Magna would be losing. Where's your pamphlet experience now, KENDRA??

We then were treated to a "Time's ticking!" montage as lone warrior Kendra and avid typist Bren tackled their brochures. To Chris's credit, he sat by Bren's side the entire time, happily channeling his rage into a concerted effort to stay in his chair. Alex, meanwhile, took a nap on the floor. Years of law school and higher education, and the man can't stay awake through the night? What exactly can Alex do? Hmmm... does this affect my theory that Magna will lose? Nah. Kendra had more people falling asleep on her...

Hours later, the two teams finally finished their projects. Kendra happily returned to the suite at 8:30 AM. "I'm like a girl who just had sex. I've got like a silly grin on my face," she said. Does that mean she just copulated with her brochure? Or does she just have really, really low standards for sex? I can just imagine her lying in bed with a guy after a long night of going at it: "Man, that was great. I haven't felt that way since I submitted an op-ed piece for my college newspaper. Wow."

Later, after a few brief hours of sleep, both teams regrouped to view their finished products. Chris's brochure was okay. Actually, it sucked. The fonts were over-kerned, the front cover was bland, and oh my god, they used the blurry photo as the VERY FIRST PICTURE! To top it all off, Alex noted that the text was bland and boring. Yeah, that's too bad. If only there were a third person awake to help with the writing. If only...

Meanwhile, Kendra's labor of love turned out to be great -- a unique, colorful, artistic vision. Tana and Craig were thrilled with the final product, and Kendra smiled like a proud parent - who may or may not have just orgasmed after sealing an envelope. "At the end of the day, we did all deliver on this one," said Craig. WHAAA?? What the hell was he talking about? He was the biggest stickler of all. He complained at the photo shoot, he protested the idea, he went to sleep early, and even when Kendra spelled it out for him, he denied her vision. And now Craig was taking credit? Okay, we'll just politely move him to the top of my hate list.

Anyway, Magna was first up to present their, er, Kendra's brochure. Tana immediately took control of the room, saying "We wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for this opportunity." She then presented each Pontiac exec with a certificate of redundancy certificate which she herself signed herself. The producers attempted to make us believe that Tana was trying to steal credit for the brochure, but I wasn't buying it. Our favorite MILF was merely kicking into babble mode. This wasn't a retread of the Jenn/Ivana fiasco last season. Nevertheless, the executives were very impressed, and I had to readjust my Magna-losing theory. It just didn't seem right any more. Wait... maybe the point wasn't that Tana and Craig went to sleep but that Kendra battled adversity and stayed awake. It makes sense now! Magna's going to win!

Sure to confirm this theory was Net Worth, but before we could see their presentation, we quickly flashed to the Donald who approached the Pontiac offices in his limo. Oddly enough, the big man spent his commute leafing through the pages of an office building calendar of sorts. Was this construction porn? Perhaps the famed office building swimsuit calendar for 2005? Hey, check out the awnings on that hot piece of tenement ass. Shit, that skyscraper has gigantic terraces. Are they real? Grrrrrowl! This brings new meaning to "Penthouse." Rimshot! Tips in the jar. I'll be here all week. (Actually, you can credit J-Unit for that fine pun).

Anyway, Chris took the helm for Net Worth's presentation, and just days after lambasting Angie for choking during a presentation, our man of rage quickly took this opportunity to, uh, choke. To be fair, he wasn't as awful as Angie, but as Alex pointed out, Chris did create new words for the occasion such as "exteriorly" and "interiorly". Hmmm... I'm mildly upset that my spellcheck did not automatically underline those words with red squiggle marks. Kind of ruins the joke if the words were in fact real. And a quick check of the ole dictionary proves that Chris was in fact grammatically correct. Blast! Somewhere, I'm sure Chris is yelling, "HERE IS A FACT ABOUT ME! I SPEAK TRUE WORDS AND I SPEAK FACTS! AND THAT IS A FACT!" To paraphrase Audrey, my assumption about Chris's vocabulary was very demeaningful.

Chris did however confabulate at least one fake word as he accidentally called the Solstice Roadster the Solster Roadster. Silly Chris. Must have fallen out of the chair one too many times. The best part of all this though was watching Chris bullshit his way through explaining the shoddy brochure. The black cover featuring only a Pontiac symbol? Oh, that's just a mystery provoking the reader to turn the page. The blurry image on the front page? Oh, that's also a mystery too. The lack of interior shots and creative vision? Uh, more mystery?

Hold me back, I'm completely entranced by Net Worth's mysterious brochure!

In the end, it was Magna who won far and away. Even more excitingly for Kendra, Pontiac announced that they were going to use her brochure as part of their national marketing strategy. Wow, they're really getting desperate. The boys of Net Worth meanwhile retreated to a local bar where they drank their sorrows away with some shots and beer. "I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THEY COULD BE MORE CREATIVE!" mused Chris. Amazingly though, he wasn't speaking in all caps for once (although I of course am more than happy to embellish). Yes, it appeared as though a cloud of melancholy had descended on our little nutcase. Moments later, he continued to babble sadly in an interview. I don't remember what he said, but that's because I was fairly distracted by his light green ensemble. Seriously, what's the deal with that color and this cast? Was there some mandate for mint chip ice cream fashions this season? I just don't get it.

Anyway, as a reward, Magna visited Madison Square Garden to meet with Isiah Thomas and some of the Knicks. Tana pranced around the court in an oversized jersey, and you know she was just dying to tell Penny Hardaway about the time she got crunkified with Lil' Jon. The best part of all this though was Trump who actually dapped Isiah Thomas. Wow, that was amazing. Sadly, there was no dap for Melania. It's too bad. Most people don't know that before Trump, she was in a street gang.

Of course it didn't take very long for Isiah to challenge Trump to a free throw. The Donald doffed his overcoat with a little "Let's do this shit" attitude and tossed the ball. Wouldn't you know it? It was nothing but edited net! I wish I could hit my free throws on my first edit. After this enjoyable display of fake athletic prowess, we then watched Team Magna... do sprints? Uh, okay. Not much fun, but hey, exercise is its own reward, right?

Back in the suite, Chris continued to lament his fall from grace. As he continued to dazzle us in his Shamrock Shake outfit, he pondered how he could lose so much. "I perceive myself as being somewhat of a brilliant young man," he boasted. Yes, Chris. You are brilliant. Getting arrested in a Tampa casino over a bar cover? Pure brilliance.

Anyway, at long last, it was time for the Board Room. After a chatty Robyn greeted the men (shut up, ROBYN!) and a not very Southern gentleman-ish Bren refused to hold the door open for the other two, we finally got down to business. Trump immediately derided the choice of a blurry picture in the brochure. "This one picture looks like it's out of focus," he said. Looks? The fuzzy lines and lack of clear definition didn't commit you to "is"? Nevertheless, Trump then flung Kendra's brochure in their faces and told them to take a look.

"Yeah, this is really something," said Alex, admiring the photos on Magna's brochure. "If only I were in charge of our photo shoots. Oh wait..."

Meanwhile, Chris continued to defend his losing streak. "I don't lose in life. At all!" he insisted. Um, arrest? Seven days ago? Nevertheless, Trump and the crew continued to challenge his artistic decisions. Why the bland cover? "I wanted to leave it up for interpretation," he explained. Interpretation? Of what? The complexities of the Pontiac symbol? Hey look, there's a Pontiac symbol. I'm intrigued! Let's read further!

Alex soon added insult to injury, saying that Chris was at fault on this task. Well, if you thought he was doing such a bad job, why didn't you say something, asked Trump. Alex's response: I was taking a nap. Yeah, not a good answer. Couldn't he have at least tried to spin it usefully? Maybe "I was brainstorming about ways to improve the project... with my eyes closed"?

Eventually, George attacked all three guys for showing no creativity. "You had a gray car on a gray background. GREAT colors!" he said. Oooh, sarcastic George! I like! Normally, I'd expect Chris to snap back with an angry response, but the testy pit bull of yore seemed to have disappeared. In fact, I couldn't be sure, but it looked like Chris's lower lip was even quivering. Oh my. What sort of a breakdown did we have in store?

"Sir, losing seven times in a row has been the most INSANE experience that I've ever had," said Chris, clearly omitting all the other insane moments of his life, such as that one time at breakfast when he ran out of milk or that other time when he showed up late for work or that crazy night when he stubbed his toe. Man, you should have seen him lose his shit then.

I suppose Chris's emotional state was due to the obvious fact that he'd be heading home. It was almost as if he had resigned to fate. The Donald didn't even send the three guys out to the lobby. He merely asked his two faithful advisors for their opinion right there, and of course, they both suggested that Chris go home. Sure enough, the ax swung for the boiling tea kettle as Trump not only said "Chris, you're fired" but he came around for a second pass, adding "Seven times in a row? You. Are. Fired." Ouch, a double dis. The only thing that could have made the moment better would have been if Trump had feigned slamming a ball out of the park -- maybe adding a whistling bomb noise for effect.

You're fired and that's a FFFACT!

As the candidates shuffled out, I couldn't help but notice a little sniffling. Could it be? Was angry Chris tearing up? Unfortunately for him, The Donald called out to him, "Hey Chris." The fired reality star paused, and we could just sense how much he didn't want to turn around. But sure enough, he did, and a collective "Haha - awww" response rolled out across America as we saw the tears streaming down his face. It was mostly "haha" for me, I have to admit.

"Get over here!" said The Donald, suddenly very fatherly. Chris entered rarified territory as he actually went to the OTHER side of the Board Room and stood above The Donald. Honestly, I thought he was going to sit on his lap. Trump told Chris to control his anger and stay away from the dammed tobacco. He then shooed his bawling wunderkind into the lobby where he hugged Bren and Alex goodbye. No love for Robyn? That's okay. The camera quickly cut to Robyn hugging herself and saying "I'll love me."

And so ended the Chris era. For sure we thought his final episode would feature a crazy meltdown worthy of a straightjacket, but alas, the emotional insanity was rerouted into some tears. It's too bad that we didn't have some ridiculous, table-flipping scene in the boardroom, but you can't overlook how amusing it was to see the old fashioned waterworks. With any luck, Chris will return in a future episode and lose his shit all over again. Until then, we'll just have to pass the time staring at his mug shot and laughing.

Ryan Atwood Has a Shallow Vagina

We are now in the middles of a sort of renaissance on The OC. And while I have a feeling that the writers are going to be doing this each and every season that the show is in existence, I am not going to complain now that things appear to be in order. Well, maybe I will still have a few complaints. While we have cleaned up most of the stuff that has been dragging the show down, there is still a few things that we can can deal with. Chief among these problems is Ryan Atwood. For some time, I have tried to put my finger on what exactly Ryan's ailment is. What makes him such a drag to be around? Why is he so self-righteous? Why must he act like he is 45 when he is only 17? It's taken many, many, hours of research, but the TVgasm research staff has come up with the answer. Ryan Atwood has a shallow vagina.

I know what you are saying. Ben McKenzie is so dreamy, you say, he can't have a vagina. Well, we are not talking about Ben McKenzie, we are talking about Ryan Atwood. You say that Ryan Atwood got Theresa pregnant. Well, the fertility clinic does it with a turkey baster, how do we know that isn't what Ryan did? You say that we have no evidence. Ah ha! We do have evidence, and I will make my case throughout this post. In fact, after reading through my case, you may find it interesting to go back through old episodes, and I am sure you will find even more examples to corroborate my theory. A shallow vagina would surely explain why Seth is so attracted to Ryan. Sure, my evidence is largely circumstantial, but still very compelling nonetheless.

Trey is finally moving out of the Cohen. Considering the range of things that might happen after you house an ex-con in your home, you really have to say that Trey's stay with the Cohen's was uneventful. Sure Ryan and crew had to coverup when Trey committed a felony burglary. Everybody wants Trey to do well and is trying to help him in his adjustment. Everybody, that is, except his own brother. Why is Ryan such an asshole? Trey is really trying to do the right thing, but he is having a hard time. His only real family is thinks he is guilty before proven innocent. Ryan is not so far removed from his own life of crime. Doesn't he remember when people were blaming him for houses that were on fire and almost anything else that was going wrong in Newport even when they had no proof? Ryan must have a memory that doesn't go very far back. You could say his memory was as brief as his shallow vagina.

Since his memory is so short, Ryan has no problem disparaging his brother around anybody. When he is talking with Marissa and Seth at school, you can tell they are like "What is the problem with this guy?". Seriously. Wouldn't it just be easier for Ryan to help his brother with his problems than to let him spiral into isolation and a life of crime that would lead to more jail? Isn't that what got him onto the straight and narrow? Perhaps he is worried that if he helps Trey out, Trey will become even more self-righteous that he is and then Ryan wouldn't be so popular at parties anymore.

Seth has his own issues to deal with. Carter Buckley not only gave him and Zach a great introduction into a graphic novel publisher, he also go them a meeting. The only trouble is that Summer really doesn't want Seth to go back into the comic book business. (I realize comic books and graphic novels are different, but for the sake of this recap, they will be the same). The last time he and Zach worked together, it drove her and Zach apart. Now, it just so happened that Summer wanted to be with Seth anyway, but she knows that he tends to lost focus in these sorts of situations. To combat this, she takes the tried and true approach of ignoring the problem. If she doesn't know about any of it, she won't have to worry about any of the drama. Needless to say, Seth and Zach are really stoked about the whole thing. They thank God that Summer is going to give them very little trouble, even less trouble than if you were trying to find the end of Ryan's shallow vagina.

Although Ryan wants to disown his brother, there are some people that want to help him out, and are, you know, friendly. One of these people is Marissa. Maybe she just likes the people that live in that apartment (remember, it used to belong to Alex), but she goes over to visit Trey and see how he is doing and give him a little bit of a housewarming present. A housewarming gift is just what Trey needed. He is happy to see Marissa when she arrives, and is even happier to add that laval lamp she is bringing to the other piece of furniture he owns - a bean bag chair. Trey probably should spend some more time filling up his apartment, because it has a lot of space, much more space than his brother Ryan's shallow vagina. Marissa learns that it is going to be Trey's birthday and they make some other small talk. They were trying very hard not to have any awkward silences, because that would mean they would have to have sex. Just as an awkward silence is about to creep in, Marissa leaves, and it may have been just me, but I think Trey was checking out her ass. And it may still be just me, but I also think Trey and Marissa would would be a great couple.


Zach and Seth go to meet Reed Carlson, who was Carter Buckley's old assistant. The are well prepared for this, because all these young comic book executives are all the same. I am sure he went to Vassar, drives a Jetta (black, 1.8 Turbo), and tells everybody that he was listening to the Killers like 4 years ago. Well, I would be wrong, because Reed turned out to be a woman, and she was very hot. If Madeliene Stowe and Monica Bellucci had a lovechild, it would be Reed Carlson. As predicted, both guys get extremely excited at the thought of this hot woman who happens to be into comics, and it just happens that they will be working very closely with her.

Now, if you are Seth and you are with the girl of your dreams, don't you think you would be happy to see your single friend and business partner take interest in another girl? When you consider that the girl he was going with is the girl of your dreams and you took her away from him, wouldn't it have been easy to let him have this one? Knowing that he had a very difficult time getting over the girl of your dreams, why not let him have a little fun, especially since it is not likely this young executive is going to be anything more than friends with either of you?

Obviously, this is all too much to ask from Seth. Maybe he just likes the thrill of the chase, but it seems like he is not content staying with a woman for very long. His relationships never last a very long length of time, even less time that it would take to travel the length of his friend Ryan's shallow vagina. Seth and Zach immediately start into it, even though it appears as if Reed is more interested in Zach than Seth.

Since Marissa cares about Ryan so much, she really wants him to feel happy. She knows how it feels to be separated from your sibling - her sister has been away at boarding school since, well, ever. She also knows how difficult it is to be at odds with a relative - she has been fighting with her mom forever as well. She visits Ryan, who looks like he just got back from a Pearl Jam concert with his flannel shirt and thermal undershirt. (Also, would it be that hard for him to spend like $5 on a decent haircut one of these days?). Marissa tells Ryan that it might be a good idea to throw Trey a small birthday party. He doesn't really have friends and it might help him adjust. Instead of being happy that somebody is trying to help his brother, Ryan is upset. He told Marissa not to see Trey, and she went anyway. He gets so upset, he starts making his patented Ryan Atwood "I am from Chino, therefore I hold moral authority" face. It seems like he is going to snap. I think he has a very short fuse. You got it! Almost as short as his shallow vagina.

Julie Cooper came home early from her trip to Europe, but Caleb didn't come with her. Since the vacation was largely for her, you sort of wonder what the point was in coming back early. When she goes to find a gun from storage, you have some sort of idea. She seeks out Lance, and is about to show him why he should have left Newport. She takes aim straight for his chest and pulls the trigger. Now Julie is evil, but she isn't a monster, the gun had no bullets. Lance almost has a heart attack, and that is exactly what Julie wants. He destroyed her life in one night, and she wants him to feel what it's like to have no control over his life.

Remember how I said earlier that Summer decided she wanted nothing to do with the graphic novel? After talking with Marissa, she changed her mind. She wanted to be as involved as possible. If she was interested, it would show Seth just how much she cared about him. Normally, this would have made Seth very happy, but he wanted to keep Reed a secret from Summer. It probably would have paid to be honest, but Seth doesn't want the hottest comic book-loving woman on the west coast to fall into the hands of his friend. His own girlfriend is arguably just as good looking, and actually enjoys sex with him, but the comics! The comics would make it all better. To paraphrase Jerry Seinfeld, love is between a man and a woman, not a man and his graphic novel.

Seth is explaining all of this to Ryan, who is telling him he should just let it go, when Sandy comes home. Sandy is now BFF with Carter, which you think would be great for everybody, but Kirsten has a problem with it. Even though she only had a mild crush and nothing ever happened between her and Carter, she can't stand Sandy hanging out with him. Why Sandy being friends with Carter is so much worse than when he was friends with Jimmy Cooper, I'll never know. But anyway, Sandy sends the boys to get Thai food because nobody in the Cohen house has enough patience to cook. Cooking makes the Cohen's frustrated, probably not unlike when a man with a normal-sized penis feels frustration when trying have sex with Ryan and his shallow vagina.

I was wondering why Sandy didn't just get the Thai food delivered, but you could understand. Seth and Ryan are always playing video games on the television in the house. When is Sandy ever going to have time to catch up with Larry King Live? The Thai place also happens to be quite the short ride away from from Trey's apartment. Seth finally gets Ryan to go and say hello, but when they go there, they see some commotion inside. Now I thought that perhaps he was showing Marissa a good time on the bean bag, but it turned out that wasn't the case. Instead, he came outside and got into a vintage firebird, sort of like they used in Smokey and the Bandit (maybe it was a camaro, but I didn't pay attention).

Ryan and Seth follow Trey, and we see him going into some back alley and giving some money to a guy who looks very strung out. The evidence is plenty for Ryan. Trey is back to his old tricks, hanging with the wrong crowd. He bursts into Trey's apartment the next morning and starts throwing around accusations. One of these days, Ryan is going to learn how he shouldn't jump to conclusions. The guy in the firebird was Trey's parole office. Apparently Trey was looking for a friend of his from prison, and asked his parole officer for help locating him. Trey's friend is homeless and Trey just wanted to give him a few bucks.

This is about the millionth time this season that Ryan has been a self-righteous asshole, and you think that after accusing his brother of such shit, he would just apologize and try to make it up to him. Instead, Ryan leaves. Trey is disgusted, and slams the door shut before Ryan can say anything else. Ryan does finally understand that he is wrong, and crawls back, asking Marissa for some hlep. He feels like he won't get very far with Trey, much like it would be difficult to get very far when you are having sex with Ryan and his shallow vagina. They decide to throw a party for Trey in hopes that things may get better from here on out.

Marissa picks Trey up and takes him back to her house. There, he sees his brother, Summer, and Seth there to give him a little happy birthday surprise. Ryan doesn't know what to do, but Trey is not that hard to please. Even though his brother has showed no faith in him, Trey is elated at even the smallest displays of affection. He gives Ryan a big hug, and the party is about to begin. Julie has to leave the house, but she tells Marissa that since Trey is turning 21, he can have a drink if he wants.

So what is Julie doing out? Lance said that he had to see her. He ends up giving her back all of the copies of the sex tape that he had made. He never wanted to ruin her life, he just wanted money, and he only embarrassed her at the party because Caleb had screwed him out of his money *and* had him beaten up. Soon, they start to get all nostalgic. Although I think this scene was more for the writers, who have seemed dying to get to write "Whitesnake" and "Poison" into some dialogue, Julie is truly happy just dancing there in the arms of her new hero Lance. She has tried so hard to build her life up from nothing, and it seems like she is about to lose everything - again. Caleb would barely look at her in Europe, and she is still a disgrace in town.

While the two of them get drunk, Lance starts getting nostalgic as well. He remembers how he used to feel when he was going out with Julie before, and those feelings seem to be coming back. He wants to do anything for Julie, and when he hears that Caleb may divorce Julie and leave her with nothing, he starts to get upset. Lance is a pretty extreme guy, and he tells Julie that he is willing to kill Caleb if it means that they might have a future together. WHOA!

Now as exciting as all of that shit is, the shit going down at the Cooper-Nichol mansion is even crazier. We learned in season one that as soon as somebody in The OC hears "party", any small gathering soon turns into a full on rager, Trey's party included. Soon, it seems as if anybody between the ages of 16 and 25 is partying in Marissa's house.

If there is anything that shows the writers have realized that the season one formula works for the show, it is this party. We see all of the crazier elements of Newport Beach. Some teenage girls are making out over here, some teenage guys are doing coke over there. Everybody is drinking, and the water polo players even start to mess with Seth. It's just like old times. Ryan is sick of fighting now, much like you, the reader, are sick of me making jokes about his shallow vagina, but Trey is still up to the challenge. He beats up the water polo player, then nearly chokes the life out of him. Needless to say, they will probably not bother with Seth again.

After displaying his manly prowess, a nice little piece of ass comes up to him, and makes a sort of proposition. Her boyfriend is nearby, but if they go somewhere more private, maybe she'll show him a good time. Almost everybody knows that this girl is underage, and I am sure Trey knows as well, but he is not letting that stop him. He takes her up to Marissa's room, and they make themselves comfortable on the bed, in full view of Marissa's care bear.

The night was full of surprise encounters, much how somebody would be surprised when they first learn about Ryan Atwood and his shallow vagina. Summer is powdering her nose when she bumps into Reed. When Seth had a meeting with Reed earlier that day, he not only failed to mention to Reed that he had a girlfriend, but lied to Summer when she asked him who he was talking to. Summer had seen Reed and Zach together earlier, so they get to talking. Then she learns that she is the Reed that Seth has been talking about.

Summer storms off to find Seth, but he has his own problems. He not only lied about Summer to Reed, he also lied about Zach to Reed. When Zach sees him, he asks why Seth made up all of these lies about him. After hearing read praise Zach's business plan, Seth said Zach really only went to get coffee, and he thinks that he may be gay. Reed told all of this to Zach, and Zach is upset with Seth for not only getting in between him and a girl once again, but also because he is going to put the kibosh on any sort of business relationship they thought they might have salvaged. Zach sees Reed and they are about to leave, when Summer runs after them and asks for a ride home. Seth is left with nothing now. But at least he has Ryan, and it always makes Seth happy thinking about that wonderfully Shallow vagina Ryan has.

Ryan is talking with Marissa. As crazy as everything is, the night turned out pretty well. He and Trey have the beginnings of a relationship, and he and Marissa are getting closer. They go up to her room for some privacy, and after kicking some more people out of her bed, they are about to have that first kiss that so many people have been waiting for. Unfortunately, some girl is found floating in the pool. It's the girl Trey had been seen with earlier, and she is face down and doesn't look like she is breathing.

Back at the Cohen house, Sandy gets the call to get over to the part and straighten shit out. He had arranged for him and Kirsten to play host for Carter and this hot young orthopedist that they bumped into earlier in the week while surfing. The dinner was a disaster for Kirsten, and she started her boozing early. When Sandy left, Kirsten started to talk about Carter to the orthopedist. Basically, Kirsten was trying to sabotage the relationship, saying Carter has a lot of baggage and had a messy divorce. I think it would have been easier on Kirsten if Carter was happy with somebody else, but apparently she doesn't think that is the case. I am not sure if the orthopedist will be back, but she did serve a purpose. Everybody has been claiming there aren't enough minorities in the show, and this woman had the racial ambiguity you need when trying to answer questions like that. Is she half-black? part-asian? Latina? Persian? You just don't know. I wouldn't be surprised if she comes back every few weeks as a different race, just to appease the viewers, but we know you won't be fooled, just like you won't be fooled if you run into Ryan Atwood and he tries to convince you that he has a normal-sized vagina.

When Sandy gets to the house, the cops are there, as well as the paramedics. The girl didn't die, but they found a lot of drugs, and they had to get some answers from people. Julie couldn't be reached, and Sandy wasn't owner of the house. They were going to have to take in Marissa if they didn't find the person responsible for distributing the drugs. Trey saw what was about to happen, so he confessed to handing out the drugs and was taken into custody.

We all saw the look on Ryan's face. He can't believe that Trey lied to him, again. Maybe next week Ryan will actually believe his brother and get to the bottom of things(just like....oh, never mind), but I am not holding out hope. We also know that Trey didn't do anything, and I am not so sure that Trey even had sex with the girl. Will the writers take us on another journey through the "Ryan please believe me story line"? Who knows, but between that, more Seth and Summer drama, and a possible plot to kill Caleb Nichol, I think we have a lot to look forward too next week.

As for Ryan's shallow vagina, I guess I didn't really make up a case for it as much as I just made a lot of jokes about Ryan having a shallow vagina for no reason at all. It may not be true, but it's not totally implausible. I don't think that anybody can prove that Ryan doesn't have a shallow vagina. Until somebody comes up with an alternate theory to his suckiness, that is my story, and I'm sticking to it.

"Hey!" Count: Episode - 22, Season Total - 251 [thanks for the reminder canuck]

Two Sides To Every Story

So, it's nearly been two months since I have had much to say about Smallville. To say the writing has been up and down this year would be an understatement. I could barely stomach the Kryptonite dog episode, and the episode about Lois' sister Lucy, was also so very unenjoyable. Then again, we have also had over a month go by without any new episodes on the Tivo. With only eight episodes left, the writers were going to have to tighten up their writing if they were going to create the same great end of the season suspense that we have enjoyed the first three seasons.

Is Lex Luthor ever going to learn? What is this obsession that he has with the meteor rock? No matter how many times he experiments with the stuff, bad shit always happens. The world is littered with failed Luthorcorp experiments that tried to find a way to harness the power of the stuff. Sure, there is always a chance that you are going to do something really good, but when things go bad, things *really* go bad. It's the same conundrum that has plagued silicone breast implants. When they work, they feel great, when they leak, not so much. So when we learned that Lex was doing some experiments with the meteor rock, you just know bad shit is going to happen.

Yet, in the interest of science, let's say that there is a legitimate use to researching this dangerous substance. For example, if you can find a way to cure cancer or repair spinal injuries, all of the messed up experiments will seem like nothing at all. With this in mind, Lex continues his work on the meteor rock. He and a Luthorcorp researcher, Dr. Sinclair, were fine-tuning one of the experiments.

Now, I am not sure about all the readers out there, but if you never got past 7th grade science class, you probably learned how to have a safer lab than what they run in Luthorcorp. When you were heating things up on the Bunsen burner, you didn't stare at it from a few inches away to look at the pretty colors, did you? It doesn't matter if you were just cooking up some top ramen in a beaker, your teacher(who probably was crazy, perhaps took some shrapnel in the head or leg during the second world war, and almost certainly drove a late 70s Ford Country Squire) wouldn't let you put yourself in danger. So why does Lex Luthor, and all of the billions he is worth, put himself right in front of the meteor rock as they are using laser to superheat it? We will never know, but predictably, the experiment can't be controlled, the meteor rock gets too hot, some shit explodes, and Lex and Dr. Sinclair head to the hospital.

But this being Smallville and a bunch of meteor rock is involved, that can't be the end of things. After we see Lex take the injured doctor out of the lab, we see another Lex appear from the rubble. It seems that the side effect of the kryptonite explosion is a little more than we were expecting. At the hospital, Chloe and Clark (honestly, isn't it nice to see them fighting crime together again) come to see Lex. They had heard there was an explosion at Luthorcorp. After Lex is patched up, he leaves with Clark to inspect the lab. If they look at the lab notes, they might get a clue as to what went wrong.

Chloe stays behind to ask Dr. Sinclair a few questions of her own. But before she gets there, it is Lex that is paying Dr. Sinclair a visit. Lex said that he saw a second Lex Luthor after the accident, and he wanted to know if there is some way to reverse it. When the scientists says he would have to look at his research notes, Lex kills him. Apparently, the nurses at the Smallville medical center have no problems leaving medication out so anybody could pump somebody's IV full of enough chemicals to cause a heart attack. Lex leaves, and bumps into Chloe, who finds it strange that he is at the hospital and not with Clark, right before a code blue goes off and a bunch of nurses rush in to help Dr. Sinclair.

So, I tried not to make it entirely obvious, but the experiment at the lab split Lex in two, and it seems like one of the halves is not playing nice. The evil half, who will be known from now on as Bizzaro Lex or evil Lex, also travels to the lab, where he sees the OG Lex explaining to Clark how he was treating seeds so they could grow in sand and with very little water. The only problem was the fruit tasted rotten, and they were trying some experiments to fix the taste when all the shit happened. Bizzaro Lex also sees how Clark is affected when the other Lex opens the lab door, and Clark is exposed to the green kryptonite.

Now, if you know anything about Bizzaro characters, you must know that the evil half that kills people is always bent on world domination. But the evil half can only do damage if people think he is the only person alive. Luckily, the non-Bizzaro half of characters is always weaker and easily subdued. Bizzaro Lex immediately finds Lex, and locks him up in a wine cellar. Bizzaro characters are also mandated to yell at their other half for being weak and holding them back from world domination, and Bizzaro Lex does exactly that. That is not enough though, he talks about how much they loved Dumas, and then sticks Lex's head in an iron mask.

This whole dichotomy of character experiment is something that the Smallville writers love. At one point in time, everybody has to have some sort of evil or different side of them that gets let out by some sort of meteor rock disaster. It's happened to Clark many times, and it's also happened to Chloe, Lana, Jonathan, Lex, and Lionel. It even happened to Pete last year, and the effects of kryptonite have revealed a dangerous side to many, many, "Freaks of the Week" that we never expected to see. I am not saying that this theme is getting old, because I think they did it well this week, but it was not like something we never expect to see.

With the kinder, gentler Lex subdued, Bizzaro Lex is free to do anything he pleases without suffering the effects of all the remorse and conscience that a normal human being would go through. First on the list is going to visit Lana. He tells her that she should be with somebody deserving of her beauty. He then kisses Lana against her will, and when she rebuffs him, Bizzaro Lex says that she can choose to be with him, or she will be kicked out into the street. And number one on the agenda will be closing the Talon.

Bizzaro Lex also has a run-in with Lionel. Earlier, the other Lex had been very nice to his father, offering to host a benefit for Lionel's foundation at Luthorcorp, not to mention giving a generous donation and making an appearance to try and appeal for more money. Bizzaro Lex cancelled the fundraiser and Lionel walks in to confront him with the decision just as the evil Lex is finishing with some fencing practice (which, by the way, it looked like they practiced for about five minutes). When Lionel complains, evil Lex says that Lionel can have his wishes, but he must fence him first. Since his release from prison, Lionel has been a model citizen, trying a new career in philanthropy. We have always wondered if it was just some elaborate act, or if Lionel would go back to his old ways. Bizzaro Lex tries to get Lionel to react, and Lionel responds by nearly stabbing evil Lex with a rapier. When Lionel holds back, evil Lex cuts him ever so slightly on the face, happy that he was able to get some true emotion out of his father.

After her run-in with Bizzaro Lex, Lana goes to see Clark to talk to him about it. This is always an inevitable part of the "two sides of every person" story lines. Lana must go in there and say something like "You think you know somebody, but they will never be honest with you" and "It's a side you never expect to see unless it is too late". Lama must then look into Clark's eyes to get him to reveal some of his secrets, and then Clark must have a look on his face that says "I want to tell you, but I can't for your own good". Just as something is about to happen, there must be an interruption, and in this case, it was Chloe, who had hacked into the hospital's security system and had two pictures of Lex, one talking to Chloe, and one walking with Clark, at the exact same time, on two different cameras. They now have conclusive proof that something is very strange (as if living in Smallville over the years had diminished their ability to imagine crazy shit happening).

Clark decides he has to find Lex, just in case Lex doesn't know. When he goes to the mansion, the only one there is Bizzaro Lex. Clark is smart enough to ask evil Lex about a conversation that only the real Lex would know, namely, the one at the lab yesterday. He didn't count on Bizzaro Lex having hear the entire thing, and being able to give details about all of it. Confident that he is talking to the real Lex, Clark fills him in on all the details that he knows, including the information about the security footage. Bizzaro Lex then says he will fix everything, and he should get Chloe and meet him at the lab.

We all know that this is a setup, and we are proven correct. After poking around the lab and engaging in some more "different side of somebody" talk, Clark and Chloe find a dead body of a security guard, just as Bizzaro Lex drops enough concrete on them to block Scott Savol from an Old Country Buffet (in other words A LOT). Bizzaro Lex is quite proud of himself, but then he sees Clark emerge from the rubble, having protected Chloe from the concrete. As Clark lifts the concrete above his head like it was an Olsen twin, everything comes together for him.

At the Kent farm, Chloe is refusing treatment. Ever since Alicia showed her Clark's powers, she has been trying to get him to open up. She is always very coy about it, and asks Clark these questions about how they were miraculously saved. Clark chalks it up to some strange circumstances, but wonders if Chloe really knows more than she is letting on. With Bizzaro Lex running around, Chloe can't be safe, so she heads off to the base to spend some time with Lois.

Whenever Clark needs some time to think, he goes to the barn, but this time, Bizzaro Lex is there to meet him. He and Clark start to argue, and Clark really wants to know what happened to the other Lex. One of the other rules of Bizzaro physics is that you never know what will happen to a character if his other half is harmed. Luckily for Lex, his Bizzaro half killed the professor before asking any of these questions, forcing Bizzaro Lex to keep him alive. Normally, Clark would simply get some answers from the Bizzaro Lex, but Bizzaro Lex knows he has abilities and knows his weakness to kryptonite. He fashioned a large kryptonite ring and uses it to slap Clark around a little bit. When Jonathan and Martha hear the noise and try to help him,evil Lex ends up shooting Jonathan in the leg. He tells Clark that if he doesn't help him, he will harm all of Clark's friends and family, and there is nothing he can do to stop him.

Clark and his mom get Jonathan to the hospital, and Clark says that he is going to go find Lex, the real Lex. Bizzaro Lex mentioned that he was keeping his better half close by just in case. Clark gets to the mansion, and uses his super hearing to locate Lex. He frees Lex and takes off the iron mask, but Bizzaro lex is waiting. He still has his kryptonite ring, and, so Clark is powerless. As with all spilt personality stories, you must have a scene where the two side battle against each other. Since these halves actually inhabit different bodies, this fight sequence is easy to depict. It looks like Bizzaro Lex is really going to just kick the shit out of the real Lex, but Clark remembered hearing that the split happened after they had superheated the kyrptonite. Clark uses his heat vision to heat up Bizzaro Lex's ring. It has the desire effect on the kryptonite and the two Lex halves go back to being one Lex.

So everybody is happy that we only have one Lex, especially me since I don't have to write Bizzaro Lex anymore. He apologizes to Lana, and apologizes to Clark, but he can't help but wonder if the evil Lex was always inside of him, or if that is his real nature. It seems like everybody has survived the two Lex Luthors none the worse for wear, except for maybe Lionel. When he was fighting Bizzaro Lex(there's that word again), the fight sort of lit a fire in Lionel. He is no longer talking like he is repentant and humble. He has thrown away his plain clothes for an expensive suit, and he is back on the sauce. It looks like we finally have the answer to the question about Lionel's true nature. It seems like he only flirted with a life of virtue, and is going to quickly go back to being an evil, evil man.

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE suck

Jurrassic Park the ride has one of the more exciting drops at Universal. In this photo, the Idols are experiencing a physical manifestation of their careers future. While the Idols thought they were on Jurrassic Park the ride, other Universal guests thought they were on The Soon To Be Washed Up Celebrities the ride as they saw those Idols fall.

I am curious why Scott Savol made his twin sister, Drytundra, sit in the back. And who is the Lesbian to the right of Scott?

Even when its only Constantines smile, I still feel violated

Catching Up With the Greenlight

[Doing guest coverage of Project Green light is sg-dub. You can read his blog at http://weakisht.blogspot.com/.]

Guesting for the first time on tvgasm to recap a show about first time writers and directors is, I think, rather fitting. Being new 'round these parts, I have set my goal pretty low: I only hope to do better than the first two Project Greenlight movies did. At the very least, I promise I won't squander the $2,000,000 retainer tvgasm paid me - at least not right away.

As b-side mentioned in a recent post, this season of Greenlight has some serious potential. Of course, at the time of this writing it is now 4 episodes old, so we've got some catching up to do. Some changes are in place for this, the third season of Greenlight. Miramax has shifted the blame - er, responsibility - to it's subsidiary, Dimension Films. HBO, apparently intent on showing only quality original programming, also dumped the cursed show so it is now seen on Bravo. The channel change means that the show will have no more nudity and no more cursing yet will retain all the suck we've come to expect. Hooray.

Bravo has quickly become the channel for "alternative" (a.k.a. gay) programming. I'm not sure when this shift occurred, but I'm thinking the endless hours of the Cirque de Soleil played some part. Before we knew it, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Blowout, Boy Meets Boy, Manhunt, and Project Runway caused the boys from Provincetown to Greenwich Village [Editor's Note: sg-dub operates out of the East Coast tvgasm offices] to squeal with delight. Staying true to Bravo's preferred demographic, gay couple Ben Affleck and Matt Damon return once again to give star power to this nearly all male "cast" of writers, directors, producers, and Dimension honchos. Mmmmmm, "honchos."

Let's get to the show already. The first episode introduced us to all of the key players in the project, none of which particularly stood apart from the rest. Just a bunch of studio guys in brightly colored collared shirts, jeans, and loafers. I couldn't tell, but I'd wager none of them were wearing socks. Speaking of "Sox"... Ok, Ben and Matt, we get it. You are from Boston. You like the Red Sox. Enough with the stupid freaking Red Sox hats all the time. Is there some Massachusetts law that if you get on a reality TV show, you must surgically attach a dirty Red Sox cap to your head? It became immediately apparent that the studio and its producers are intent this time around to produce a - gasp - profitable movie, integrity be damned. Then again, this is Hollywood and I think all integrity was damned there long ago... I'm talking Fatty Arbuckle days. (It was part of my tvgasm contract to work in "Fatty Arbuckle" somewhere, somehow.) As before, the final three scripts were chosen via online voting. Yeah, leave it up to the public. Smart. The same public who just made "Sahara" number one last weekend.

In addition to three finalist scripts, Team Damon/Affleck/Dimension (DaFleckSion? Nah. Team Ben-Di-Mat has a better ring to it) had to whittle the director hopefuls down to 3 as well. The gang debated the three finalist screenplays and we were treated to an insider look into the three key factors that determine why certain movies are made: profit, profit, and profit. There was dissent about which script to go with, as Ben and Matt wanted the comedic time travel entry whereas the Dimension guys were pushing for the horror/comedy script. The third finalist was all but forgotten. Before ultimately deciding on which script to film, each writer met Team Ben-Di-Matt in an informal interview setting. The comedic time travel scriptwriter gave me a chance to feel good about my socializing skills and myself in general. He was a complete dork and droned on about Stephen Hawking and space portals and relativity and... Yawn. This was a comedy? With a title character named "Hans Grubenstein?" Well, at least Stephen Hawking sounds funny when he speaks, I suppose.

A two-man team wrote the horror/comedy. One is an embarrassingly unfunny "wacky" writer like Dave Barry, who has the laugh, the tics, and the personality of every lame Morning Zoo deejay you've ever had the misfortune of hearing. You just know he thinks that Jon Lovitz is hilarious. The other writer was as quiet and dull as Saul Bellow... And he's dead. After the interviews, the gang debated between "Feast" (the horror/comedy) and "Hans Grubenstein." Dimension wanted a marketable moneymaker, and went so far as to compare "Feast" to that Oscar winning epic, "Cabin Fever." Matt Damon, whose mouth is always slightly ajar (that drives me nuts, and gives credence to his character in "Team America") was adamant in his opposition and went on record saying, "I've never done a movie based on marketing materials!" At this, his BFF Ben slinked down in his chair and completely disappeared underneath the table. "Ocean's 12! The Legend of Bagger Vance!" screamed young Matt, "How DARE you impugn my integrity!" Ok, I'll admit, Damon has a pretty decent Hollywood resume, but his comment was just a tad ironic when said next to his Beantown buddy, whose entire life is based on marketing materials. Later that night, while dining out, Affleck was overheard saying, "Matt, dude, what the hell? Helloooooo... Armageddon, Bounce, Pearl Harbor, The Sum of All Fears, Daredevil, Gigli, Paycheck... Surviving Christmas for Christ's sake?! That whole J-Lo bullshit? I should beat your ass right here. Red Sox Number One!"

Ignoring Matt and Ben's dissent, Dimension decided to go forward with "Feast." Great, this meant a whole season of Marcus Dunstan, the oh-so-wacky writer. During the meeting which decided the script, it must be noted that every single member of Team Ben-Di-Mat was wearing one of those yellow, rubber, Live Strong bracelets made famous by Lance Armstrong. Over and over we saw various yellow-banded wrists raise cigarettes up and down between lips and ashtrays... Which I couldn't care less about, except it struck me as funny when you realize the whole idea behind the bracelets is to raise money and awareness for cancer research. I know I'd feel like a real dick if I were doing something so stupidly ironic.

Now that they had their script, it was time to decide upon a director. This process was a little different; as hundreds of directors submitted short films all using the same open script. Again, the director pool was whittled down to three, and each of them had to present themselves to Team Ben-Di-Mat. One director stood out; his short film was the best sure, but that wasn't what made him memorable. Can you say... Freakish social pariah? Thy name is John Gulager. His presentation was painful to watch, as he stuttered and stammered his way to breaking the reality TV record for "y'knows" in a 5-minute span (no easy feat). His flop sweat stained the chair. His appearance was somewhere between Philip Seymour Hoffman, your local town drunk/pedophile, and Ralphie from the Simpsons. Good Lord, what a mess.

The first episode ended at a big Hollywood bash (even Extra was there! Alas, no Pat "You're Kids Can Watch" O'Brien, however) and the winning director was announced: John Gray Teeth Gulager! With defeatist attitude in overdrive, Gulager looked close to giving Greenlight what every good reality show has these days - a vomit scene. However, he held it together and made it to the publicity photo shoot at which Matt and Ben reminded us once again that yes, indeed, the Red Sox are Number One.

"I Can't Help It, Nepotism Runs in my Family"

The second episode was a bit faster paced than the first, beginning with the first quotable quote from director John Gulager: "Feast is a scary, funny as ass movie." For a guy with an ass as scary and big as his, I guess he knows of what he speaks, no matter how mangled his syntax. Gulager is such an enigma; he and his life were already fascinating me. It turns out he has a wife... Or girlfriend... Or common law wife... Or something. Everyone called her something differently throughout the show. We met his dad Clu, his brother Tom, and saw pictures of his deceased mother. Now I see why John has such self-loathing - his family is all rather attractive and he's well... He's not. The Jabba the Gulager look just ain't working out.

It was time to move into the Dimension production studio offices, which had brightly painted red, orange, and yellow walls. Upon seeing this, wacky writer Marcus exclaimed, "Orange you glad to be here?" This was followed by his hearty guffaw. Struggling to find the perfect insult for Marcus, I asked my wife (sorry ladies, I'm taken), "Who does he remind you of?"

"Someone really annoying." Yeah, that about sums it up, thanks. He, along with his writing partner, Gulager, and the Dimension Team (Ben and Matt were busy watching the Red Sox somewhere) had their first script meeting and now it was time for the new director to shine. Unfortunately, the only time Gulager shines is after plowing through a box of glazed donuts. He's a completely inarticulate bumbling fool who does not, it seems, have the ability to put a single thought into words. This didn't bode well for the second meeting, which was with Dimension co-President, Andrew Rona. Andrew is boss here, and he didn't waste time. In a nutshell, the script sucked and would be far too expensive to produce "as is." Andrew's strong demeanor appeared to terrify Gulager, who - even when asked direct questions - froze and came up with absolutely nothing. We have a name for someone like that where I work: Useless.

Thirty five minutes in, we were introduced to the very first female "character" in Project Greenlight; Michele Gertz the casting director. She set to work immediately and started reading actors for the movie's many parts. Hey, wasn't that Henry Rollins shown for a split second? I'm not a fan of his self-righteousness, but I am a fan of his anger. Please, please, please cast him, if only to see him rip Gulager a new one. After a few readings, Gulager stepped out from the shadows and offered his first opinion on anything thus far. Damn, this is gonna be prolific. "These people are all fine, but I want to cast my father, brother, girlfriend/wife person, god-daughter, and dietician. I'll leave it up to the reader to discern which one I made up. This guy in unbelievable... He seems to have no vision other than that of his entire family populating his first "big" movie. When confronted with the realities of the way movies are marketed (i.e., star power), and when asked what he thought about nepotism, Gulager responded, "Nepotism is great!" He then went on to compare the Gulagers to the Fondas, Coppolas, and Woody Allen. His goddaughter is pretty cute - but does John really want to marry her?

Hopefully episode three would offer some more insight into the disturbed mind of John Gulager.

Mr. Wes Craven, meet Mr. Totally Craven

Initially, in the third episode, it appeared as though John Gulager was getting his shit together. While in a meeting with Andrew Rona, a co-president at Dimension, Gulager finally had some answers and ideas. A big part of this episode was a boring budget battle. I'll spare the details, but Rona wouldn't budge from 3 million bucks, the production team needed at least a half million more, so they sucked the Maloof brothers' asses and got it from them. 500 grand from the Maloofs? That's like getting 50 bucks from me, plus the brothers got free advertising for the Palms and some television face time (albeit on Bravo, but still.)

Auditions continued with a few more B and C level actors. Navi Rawat from "The OC," Krista Allen from George Clooney's pants, and Jason Mewes from ìDrug Rehab." Auditions also continued for a few J and K level actors: Clu Gulager (DJ Clue has more acting cred), Tom Gulager ("The greatest actor in the world" according to John), Diane Goldner (Gulager's girlfriend) and his goddaughter. They all appeared to do a half decent job, but the general sense was, "That was cute, that was fun, now that it's over, let's get the real actors in here to cast, thanks." Unfortunately, John Gulager still didn't get the point. Am I gonna go see a movie with a topless Clu Gulager or a topless Navi Rawat? John Gulager is a dumbass.

Such a dumbass, in fact, that while at dinner with Wes Craven he ordered spaghetti and meatballs. Who over the age of 9 orders that at a restaurant? The same guy who responds to criticism about his asinine nepotistic demands by tearing pictures off his office walls and schlumping home early. Judging by the size of the shirts he wears, maybe he really does think he's still 9 years old? Which reminds me of one of the more awkward moments I've ever witnessed on television: Gulager hugging his girlfriend goodbye in a manner that can only be described as "Six year old child pulls his sister's hair, gets reprimanded by his father, cries, then sheepishly approaches his mother's protective bosom for solace." Pathetic.

I really don't understand John Gulager. Up to this point, he didn't seem to have any passion about any of the important issues (his directing, the script, the timeline, his weight, his teeth, his hair, his clothes, etc) but was obsessed with the idea of his family getting the lead roles in "Feast." Amazingly, the Dimension folks showed enormous restraint and patience in light of his nonsense, but enough was enough. Then again, they did select him... But did they pick him for his directorial skills - or for Nielson numbers? Hmmmmmm.

Once it appeared the casting agent and the producers had fully and rationally explained how the whole movie business works to Gulager, we all thought he'd move on and get over the idea of filming the "Gulager Family Reunion Feast." But we were wrong... It turns out that the opposition from the studio brass only emboldened his lunacy. Mr. Sulky Misfit dreamt up the brilliant idea of filming a short movie with his family members, flying to New York, and meeting with MIramax/Dimension CEO Bob Weinstein to "prove" to him how great his family of actors really was. This prompted one of the better lines of the season thus far when bug eyed executive producer Chris Moore intoned, "I've got a healthy f'n skepticism about John."

And I've got a healthy f'n case of carpal tunnel syndrome after spewing out this four episode recap.

Get a Clu, Gulager!

Last week's episode four began right where the last left off. With Chris Moore in a rage about Gulager's insistence to cast his family and friends ("When you do your wedding videos, do you hire your brother to be the groom?"), the two met over lunch to finally put this issue to bed. I'll let Chris' on words from his "blog" tell the story: "I just wanted to fire him, and get a director who wasn't insane." After scaring Gulager with the potential pink slip, it appears now that he'll accept "real" actors in the lead roles. Thank goodness, because Krista Allen and Navi Rawat are hot, whereas Gulager's girlfriend Diane is, well, she's his girlfriend so you tell me.

We were treated to a few more auditions, one of which was roly-poly Ricki Lake. Apparently her reading sucked and she knew it, offering up the excuse, "I'm sorry, I'm on Ambien right now." That admission was quickly forgotten as rehabbed heroin addict Jason Mewes showed up again for his call back. The casting was the thrust of this episode, especially when casting agent Michelle Gertz snuck her friend from the OC Navi through to score a lead. Of course John didn't like her in the role, but even Dimension had reservations. Her readings sucked and her star quality isn't exactly Mischa Barton, and the Dimension brass was pissed. Poor Navi, this episode made her look like shit. Gulager also had reservations about the other female lead, calling Krista Allen "cheesy." And casting your entire family isn't cheesy? Christ, this guy has some balls - which is weird, because he actually has no balls at all. Damn you Gulager, I can't figure you out!

While the writing duo was off getting agents, lawyers, and contracts to write the next Highlander movie - that's right, straight to the top for these two Midwestern yahoos - the creative FX creator, Gary Tunnicliffe was busy banging out monster wieners. Remember, this show is on Bravo, so seeing a man named Tunnicliffe stroking a monster dildo would not be a huge surprise. In this case, however, Gary actually created a huge phallus to be used in the movie during a scene where the monsters apparently procreate. True to form, Gulager stepped in and demanded that they use his uncle for that part because, as it turns out, he happens to be a monster prick. (Welcome to tvgasm!)

Before the final cast was announced, Gulager took a tour of Wes Craven's latest set, but he couldn't get past the craft services tables. You'd have thought he's never seen a decent spread before, which is odd because he's a rather fat man and even has a rather ample amount of under-the-chin flab. My guess is that this is where he stores his extra depression, when things start going too well for him.

In the final script meeting, Gulager had some interesting suggestions; "I want Honey Pie to be in her underwear throughout the entire movie." Um, the movie takes place in a bar. "I envision this scene with her peeing on the toilet and then she drops the gun." Something tells me he envisions girls peeing all the time. After all, really, don't we all?

The writers finally finished their final rewrite, the financing was secured from Dimension and the Maloofs, all the actors were selected except for Hero, the, err, hero, the sound stage set was almost complete, Gulager refilled his Paxil prescription, and we are finally ready to make a movie! Just days before production was to begin, the actors and other key players gathered to have their first table read of the script. Unfortunately, the police were tipped off that there was a bomb inside the building and evacuated the premises for the day. The obvious joke here is that the "bomb" is, of course, "Feast." Unfortunately for me, someone on show stole my thunder and said it to the camera. Goddamnit.

It turns out that Henry Rollins and Jason Mewes made the cut. Incredibly, so did Clu Gulager as Bartender and Diane, the wifely girlfriend, in a small role. And I can't forget the acting tour de force that is Balthazar Getty as Bozo.

Hopefully I've caught you up with the show thus far, just as they begin production. It should be a great next 6 episodes.

Countdown to Our First Anniversary - UPDATED

As I mentioned earlier this week, TVgasm is going to be turning a year old May 11th. We were trying to figure out what we could do to celebrate. There were talks of Vegas, or perhaps the more pedestrian vodka and hookers. In the end, we decided that we wanted to find some way to involve our readers. You know we love to have contests where we give away free stuff, and this is no exception. Everybody gets a chance to play, and there are five chances to win.

Read about the contests and the rules after the jump:

UPDATED: Two new categories have been added.

Miss TVgasm 2005

While we wanted to have a pageant for Miss TVgasm, the budget just didn't cut it this year. We will, however, be taking reader submissions from all the women and young ladies who feel like they deserve the prize. All we ask from you is a photograph, and small statement on the importance of being Miss TVgasm. The photos must be of you, and can be whatever you like, whether it be head shot, evening gown, bathing suit, or halloween costume. You may submit more than one and please keep the pictures PG-13. Sorry, that "I *heart* B-side" tattoo on your left cheek will just have to stay hidden a little longer. I am not a lawyer, but just to be safe, you must be18 or over to enter. Send your submissions to anniversary@tvgasm.com.

Mr. TVgasm 2005

Mr. TVgasm will be a like the Miss TVgasm contest, except it is geared towards our gentleman readers. Same rules apply. Submit a photograph and a statement on the importance of the Mr. TVgasm title. Same rules apply for the photos as well. Send your submissions to anniversary@tvgasm.com.

TVgasm Couple 2005

Do you love TVgasm and enjoy television with your significant other? I added this category after seeing a most excellent submission this morning from a reader. Same rules apply as the Miss TVgasm and Mr TVgasm submissions. Send your submissions to anniversary@tvgasm.com

Most Outstanding TVgasm

Have you ever had a TVgasm? When was your first TVgasm? Where did it happen? Who was around? What TVgasm article were you reading at the time? Do you constantly experience yourself dreaming about B-side, madeyoulaugh, or J-Unit? Is there a funny moment when you were caught by your boss, husband, wife, etc,. laughing so hard and you just couldn't explain it?The Most Outstanding TVgasm award goes to the person with the best TVgasm story. This can be a true story, but if you are creative, feel free to embellish a little(or a lot). ONE SUBMISSION PER PERSON/E-MAIL ADDRESS. Send your submissions to anniversary@tvgasm.com.

Most Outstanding Display of TVgasm Love

Maybe you aren't as hot as B-side or S-lo, or as funny with the pen as madeyoulaugh. We still have a contest for you, oh sullen TVgasm reader. Do you love TVgasm so much that you just have to tell everybody about it? Do you have a shrine in your living room? Have you printed out all of the articles and kept them in a book just in case your internet goes out? Did you erect a billboard in your hometown to let everybody know how awesome TVgasm is? Maybe you tattooed TVgasm.com in three inch gothic letters on your back? This is your chance to show just how much you love TVgasm. Bonus for extra creativity in this category. Send your submissions to anniversary@tvgasm.com.

Create a TVgasm Banner

You obviously have seen the banners that we have at the top of TVgasm. You may have also noticed that we have started rotating the banners on the front page. Now is your chance to create your own TVgasm banner. We will add it to the rotation, and if you submit a custom banner for a show that doesn't have on already (like Lost, Desperate Housewives, Sports, American Idol) we may even put it at the top of that category page. To see all the shows we write about, check the archives, but feel free to create any banner you want. It only has to relate to TV. All submissions become property of TVgasm.com and we reserve the right to use them on any page, although we will credit your art if your submission is chosen. Send your submissions to anniversary@tvgasm.com.

Who are those masked men and women?

We try to stay anonymous, and since we work in the industry, we must continue to do so. We have those South Park characters, but maybe you can do something better. Do you have a sketch, painting, notebook doodle, statue, or macaroni model that depictus one or more of the TVgasm staff? Whatever your artistic skill, send them in. We will feature your work our Team page. Send your submissions to anniversary@tvgasm.com.

We will be taking reader submissions for all categories through April 30th. The TVgasm editors will choose a set of finalists, and the readers will vote for the winner. Voting begins on May 4th, and the winners will be announced on May 11th. All winners receive their choice of one item from the TVgasm store. As always, TVgasm will not share your name, e-mail address, or any personal information with anybody. If you want to keep your submission anonymous by using an alias, that is OK. Once again, send your submissions to anniversary@tvgasm.com.

(By popular demand, I will allow comments on this article over the weekend, but it will move to forums only Monday)Comments will be closed on this article, but you can continue discussions in the One Year Anniversary Forum Thread. It will be easier for us to answer your questions about individual contests there. The forums is also the place where we will likely hold the voting, and you must be a member to vote or post (although we may change that in the future). We also don't share any registration information from the forums, and TVgasm never sends unsolicited e-mail.

Good luck, and we hope you enjoy TVgasm!

Don't Go Chasing Water Balls

So I am starting to get used to this new format for the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Things on The Inferno II, while not being completely original, at least gives us a novel approach to doing some things. I made fun of Dave Mirra last year because of he looked so very out of place on MTV. This year, he is much more comfortable and it shows. The real enjoyable part of the show is the Bad Asses. We all watch Real World and Road Rules because we want our first peek at candidates obnoxious cast member we will hate for eternity, and the Bad Asses have really packed them in.

There was a big fight between Karamo and CT last week because after some of the teammates were less than eager to hear Karamo's idea about who they should nominate. You would think that the Bad Asses would try and formulate a strategy that would keep as many of their players in the game as possible. With Beth's departure, they are only one elimination away from being equal strength. Unfortunately, the people who are "stronger players"(read: more athletic), are actually scared to death to go into the inferno because a lot of their power and intimidation is a result of having a bunch of like-minded assholes around that agree with everything each other says. I'm not naming any names, but you can take a wild guess.

That being said, we know that Karamo is whiny and tends to pout when things aren't going his way. I also know that he has joined the Mary Kate and Ashley fitness program, because he seems to have lost all perceivable muscle mass. As a few readers mentioned in my last recap, he seems a lot smaller than he was in Philadelphia. Some of that may be attributed to clothes, but when they were strolling around Fiji, I never thought to myself "Wow, Karamo just spent six months in a Turkish prison." Then again, like I said last time, I think Karamo could have psyched himself up to go against Landon, which would have given him a fighting chance in the Inferno.

Another thing I have become very accustomed to on the show is the Sidekick II placement. I know that T-Mobile must have paid a lot to get that shameless product placement, but with all of the Paris Hilton scandal, do you really think a bunch of b-level reality celebrities are going raise your cred? If this was airing in September, it might have been money well spent, but the buzz about the Sidekick II has come and gone, and their are clearly other phones out there that have more cachet. One thing the Sidekick II product placement lets us accomplish is a whole new insight into Karamo's hands. That guy must get a manicure every other week. But what's with the coke nail on his pinky? That's kind of gross.

Our competition this week was called "Dodge Your Balls". I think Bunim/Murray should hire one of the TVgasm writers to help them out with the puns and double meanings of their games, they are just so lacking in creativity. If you hadn't guessed, "Dodge Your Balls" involved dodgeball. Dodgeball is one of the great American playground pastimes. At my school, we played both ways, the one where you had two teams go against each other, and the one where you had people lining up against the wall. Since this challenge was going to take place on platforms in the water, it was obviously going to be a variation on the first one.

The Bad Asses and the Good Guys divided their teams into two groups. There would be two semifinal matches between teams, and the winners would go on to play each other to see who was best. Every player had to participate, and the standard dodgeball rules applied, although I was too lazy to look them up at the International Dodgeball Confederation. (By the way, how freaky is that page, and what's with the bullseye dodgeballs that look like deformed aureolas?). In order to assure that the best teams would go against each other, both teams decided to stack one group with good players, and the other group with the crap left over. The difference was like choosing between a St. Pauli Girl, and a Natty Light. There was no comparison.

The teams: Good Guys1: Julie, Jodie, Jamie, Shavonda. GG2: Mike, Landon, Darrel, BRad. Bad Asses1: Tina, Rachel, Derrick, CT, Abram. BA2: Dan, Karamo, Veronica, Tonya. The guys were especially salivating at the chance to play, and I have to admit, it does bring back memories of the careful waltz of playground domination that consumed so many young boys and girls in our elementary years. Just the idea gets the blood going. As Dan mentioned, it seemed like the some of the members on his team wanted to masturbate with the dodgeball. Quite a disturbing image, but probably something Harvey Keitel has already done on film.

In GG1 vs. BA1, the Bad Asses made short work of the Good Guys. Big snaps to Shavonda for being the last one on her team, and at least attempting to take somebody from the other team out. Her thirty seconds of work was greatly appreciated. GG2 vs. BA2 was being delayed by Karamo. Karamo hates water, and although the platforms were not out that far, he really didn't want to go. Just as we thought that perhaps his teammates had convinced him, somebody notices that there are water snakes all around. After that, there was no way he was getting into the water. My mom can't even look at a snake on television without feeling like she is going to faint, so I can see where Karamo is coming from. The Bad Asses had already started the "Karamo just complains, I would be happy to see him go" type speeches earlier in the episode, but they all pretended to care enough about him to get in the water. He didn't get in and BA2 forfeited the game.

We were left with the match that we had all been waiting for, Testosterone vs. Testosterone (yes, I know Tina and Rachel were paired up with the guys, but I think either of them has bigger balls than Landon). Machismo vs. Machismo. Early on, it looked like it was going to be pretty evenly matched, but the Bad Asses really did benefit from having an extra player, as it was impossible to think about winning the game when it was 3 against 1. The Bad Asses took home another $10,000 and an Dell Inspiron laptop, which CT and Derrick will probably sell for backstage passes to a donkey show.

As discussions were going on about the Inferno, Landon decided that he wanted to sacrifice himself to save the Miz. He had lasted the longest among the Good Guys, and he wanted to prove that he was a strong player. The players on his team treat Mike as an elder statesman. They always look at him for inspiration and motivation, and it would really hurt morale if he lost. To his credit, Mike was not having any of this. He said he wasn't scared, and has never lost an individual challenge in the Gauntlet or the first Inferno, and he had no intention of stepping aside for Karamo, who is seen as one of the weakest players in the house.

In the end, Landon didn't listen to Mike, and he went up against Karamo in "Knock Your Block Off", another amazingly creative title from the people of Bunim/Murray. This was much more of the American Gladiator style of challenges. Each person had a helmet on their heads with a cube, or block if you want to stay with the analogy. Basically, it was how you would play joust if you didn't want the people trying to knock each other off the platform. It was quite the heated battle, and I really wasn't sure who was going to win. Karamo was definitely in it. Even though he didn't care about his teammates, he didn't want Landon to beat him without a fight.

Landon did eventually beat him, and he said his goodbyes, or at least some of his goodbyes. All of the Good Guys said goodbye to him, as well as all of the girls on his team and Dan, who gave him a friendly peck. You can tell that Dan is probably going to be next to go. He also speaks his mind and doesn't know his place, which really pisses off team players like CT and Abe. None of the guys on the Bad Asses team acknowledged Karamo. I can understand why, because Karamo was a punk for not getting into the water. He might have been scared, but I think his case was similar to Beth's. He didn't want to put a lot of effort into helping people who didn't really want him around in the first place.

The teams are even numbers wise, but the Bad Asses are still pulling in the money. The Good Guys just don't seem mentally tough, and by the previews of Jodi crying next week, it looks like they aren't getting any better. I do eventually think that the marriage of convenience that is the Bad Asses team will start to break apart more and more, and give the Good Guys a chance to win in the end. I just don't think they have what it takes to win a lot of challenges to pad their money total.

Mystery Fan With Sign Identified

TVGasm is dedicated to leaving no stone unturned, no rock unrolled and no hard mineral unrotated. Which is why we hired an outside company to find out the identity of the pathetic middle age woman who actually made a sign for constantine. 24 hours and nearly $2,400 later, we have uncovered the womans identity.

Q: Who is this woman?

Answer after the jump...

A: Alex Bornstein's MS. SWAN.

Bubble Bobble

Television viewers unite! Dyslexics untie! It's time to wake up your inner-activist, if only for a few minutes. It's Springtime in America which means that most of our favorite shows will soon be closing down shop for the long summer hiatus. However, not all programs will be happily returning in the fall. Some have already been shot down (Jag, Third Watch) while others wait in the industry purgatory known as "the bubble" -- as in, "this show's on the bubble." What is this enigmatic bubble? Well, think of it like this. You're outside of a club, waiting to get in, but the bouncer's being a jerk and making you wait. All the hot girls like Desperate Housewives and American Idol get to just cut the whole line, but sadly, you're just an average, nice guy named Arrested Development. You're really affable and pretty funny once people get to know you, but you're not good looking; so you have to wait outside until someone either lets you in or sends you away. So where does the bubble part come in? Well, the club is on a bubble, and if the bubble pops, everyone in line DIES. Yeah, it's a convoluted image. They should just call it "The Club Line".

Anyway, there's very little that viewers can do when their favorite shows are on the bubble. Some internet sites create petitions (seriously, just stop) and others erect billboards. We here at TVgasm don't portend to have any sort of network pull, but at the very least, we can alert you, the viewer, if there's something worth watching that might go bye-bye in the next few weeks. Maybe you'll watch it. Maybe the ratings will go up. Maybe the buzz will suddenly change. Probably not. But then again, industry people do read this blog. Wave to the people, executives!

The first show that I'd like to unabashedly campaign for is UPN's Kevin Hill. Yes, Kevin Hill. This is a gem of a show that has somehow been lost in the shuffle. The writing is sharp, funny, and natural. Honestly, there are more laughs on this show than most network sitcoms combined. Plus, for once we don't have to deal with ultra-serious Law & Order-ish courtroom cases. It's Justice Lite, and honestly, in a TV landscape dominated by cold procedurals and overwrought legal dramas, it's a welcome change. You also can't overlook Taye Diggs whose performance week in and week out anchors the series. He's backed by a strong supporting cast that has quietly gelled to form one of the best ensembles on television. Am I selling this too hard?

As for all the baby stuff, well, I'll speak the truth. I hate baby stuff. Usually, when I see babies on TV, I change the channel. But once again, it works here. There's not too much, and it's usually not too cheesy. Thankfully, the producers have shunned the typical acoustic guitar / baby closeup motifs that have sent me racing to the bathroom with a mouth full of vomit. Seriously, you don't want to see that.

Almost everyone I've forced to watch this show has enjoyed it and has even become a devout viewer in his or her own right. So why is Kevin Hill failing? Well, it's up against some stiff competition with Lost and American Idol. Plus I assume most guys think it's a girly show. Well, yes, it skews female, but I assure you that it's certainly more masculine than Desperate Housewives, and I guarantee the same men who turn their nose up at Kevin Hill are probably biting their nails, wondering what's next for Bree Van De Kamp and the mystery of Mary Alice Young. Also, another sad but true reality is that some people may think the series is too "urban", a criticism which is just ridiculous. Sadly, with other blogger-friendly shows like Arrested Development and Jack and Bobby hogging all the online chatter and petitions, Kevin Hill stands a good chance to get lost in the fray.

Having strong online appeal isn't necessarily a bad thing though. Arrested Development is the second show I'd like to happily endorse. Now I have a confession to make that might cost me my writer/hipster cred: I only started seriously watching this show about five weeks ago. (Pause for record scratch). Yes, I admit it. I was a TV fan, better yet, a TV comedy fan, and I didn't watch Arrested Development religiously. Here's the thing. When it first aired back in 2003, I was all excited and optimistic. Then I saw the pilot and felt, well, underwhelmed. The show was overly narrated, and while the jokes were funny, they just didn't pop for me. Having been a fan of Undeclared, Strangers With Candy and Andy Richter Controls the Universe, I considered myself well-versed in "untraditional" comedy. Therefore, after a few episodes of okay but not great humor, I whipped out my rubber stamp and declared Arrested Development officially overrated.

Over the past two seasons, I've occasionally watched an episode here and there to see if I was maybe crazy, but no, I wasn't. In fact, I thought Fox's short-lived Crackin' Up from last season was funnier (I still stand by that assertion to some extent). I rationed that the only reason why people seemed to like Arrested Development was because by last season, there were few if any other funny sitcoms out there to pick from. And besides, the show had received a much stronger marketing push than any of Fox's other critically hailed (but quickly cancelled) single-camera shows (we can probably thank exec-producers Ron Howard and Brian Grazer for that). But then a funny thing happened. In my attempts to make it as a writer in Hollywood (so that one day, my work can be similarly thrashed by a callous blog), I decided that I'd have to write a "spec script" of Arrested Development (A spec script is basically an original episode of an existing show that's used as a writing sample). So I created season pass #3 for Arrested Development, and I'll tell you, third time's the charm. I have now been completely sucked into this show and can officially say that I "get it". While the punchlines can be very funny, the bulk of the humor lies in the characters and situations, both of which are often outlandish and silly. I'm not going to go into detail on why the show works (you can read EVERY OTHER BLOG for that), but I can wholeheartedly say that Arrested Development is the best live-action comedy on network television. Plus, now I'm actually looking forward to writing my spec script. As for the bubble factor, I don't think this show should be cancelled, and I'd honestly be surprised if it were to get the ax. At the same time, unlike Andy Richter Controls the Universe, FOX has really gotten behind this sitcom. They've tried everything short of holding Nielsen families by gunpoint to boost the ratings. I hope it comes back, but honestly, if it doesn't, there's no one to blame but ourselves. Pause for moment of shame and regret.

As for the other shows on the bubble, I'm not particularly impassioned. I'd like to see more of Life On A Stick because a) it's been getting funnier each week, and b) I have a personal bias towards it. I'd also like to see if The Office lives up to the potential of its pilot. The three episodes that have since aired have been decent, but the moments of hilarity have too often been separated by stretches of only okay comedy. Still, I'd like to see it find its voice. Man, I sound like Paula Abdul.

For further reading on this subject, check out the USA Today article from April 12th.

What do you think? What are the shows you'd like to see renewed? Which shows should be cancelled?

We Were All Rooting For You! (Well, I Wasn't)

So, I know what you have all came for, and yes, we have it. At the end of last week's America's Next Top Model, we were given a preview of Tyra tearing into somebody. There was a lot of speculation as to who it would be, and let's be honest there are plenty of candidates. I am not going to spoil the surprise, but I will tell you that it was well worth the wait. Tyra has solidified herself near the top of the reality speech hall of fame. She was so mad at the way everybody performed this week, she showed not one, but two girls the door.

Lluvy was eliminated last week, and in sort of surprise, Rebecca was second to last. She clearly wants to do better, but just doesn't know how to vamp it up. Let's all admit it, she is quite bland. The only person who may have less personality is Kahlen, and no surprise, they are best friends.

We really jumped into the recreational portion of the episode when the girls went out to dinner at Dolce. If you didn't know that is Aston Kutcher's (part-owned)restaurant, and if you are going to be in Los Angeles, it is on Melrose and Sweetzer in West Hollywood. Dolce is a medium-nice restaurant, and they were shuttled off to the VIP section, but Tiffany had no clue what she was doing. Whenever you are in a situation you can't control, it is best to roll with the punches. For Tiffany, those punches did not include tuna tartar or calamari (if you go, try the carpaccio, and the penne). But come on, enjoy the moment. What is the worst that can happen? You get sick and throw up all over the place? You already did that, why so gun shy?

Our instructional portion of the episode centered around acting. As much fun as it was to watch the girls pretend to be sick last year, this year's challenge was going to be even better. The girls had to learn cockney accents, and if you want to know the meaning of hilarious, it is watching these models as they try and perfect that cockney accent. It's also fun because everybody out there has tried to pull off the cockney accent, and it's a particular affliction among guys when there is some sort of English or Irish beer around.

After a quick refresher course, the girls were tasked with learning not just a cockney accent, but a whole set of lines that they were going to act out in a scene the next day. And you know what happens when the girls have to act out a scene - they get a gorgeous male actor to do it with them. Last year, it was Taye Diggs(cool guy, B-side introduced me to him at the Ghost Bar in Vegas), and this year it was Boris Kodjoe, best known for his role on Soul Food. Soul Food was on Showtime, and was the place to find high quality dramatic acting among black actors. Well, at least it was until HBO came out with The Wire.

Predictably, the girls went crazy over Boris. I am actually surprised that Tiffany didn't pass out like Rebecca did a few weeks ago. The excitement was so contagious that even Kahlen looked like she had a pulse. Her eyes were bugging out more than Christina's:

Kahlen: "Once you go Boris....."

But this is not a game, this is "ACTING" and things had to get serious. Our contestants were whisked away backstage of this little Shakespeare theater that is on Kings, also in West Hollywood. If you are forced to watch one of your struggling actor friends perform there, make sure and try the margaritas at Marix, just a few block away. If it's breakfast you crave, try Hugo's, which is right next door. It's, uhhh, slightly dainty for me, but some may like the potato pancakes. But enough with my citysearch.com impression. The girls had to get dressed as a peasant and do their own makeup, which included blacking out one tooth to make it look like it was missing. Somewhere out there, Brandi is cursing herself for getting kicked out early. This would have been the perfect challenge for her.

If you didn't see the show, the acting was hilarious. Most people forgot their lines, and the accents were interesting to say the least. Brittany had a good accent, and Naima had a great performance. But it was actually Michelle who seemed to have locked this one in the bag, or at least she was telling us that it was going to be easy at ever chance she got. Michelle actually had four years of stage training, and let's not forget that she is a wrestler, which does take athleticism, but also requires you to act in character. Michelle did OK, but she was overacting more than a scene with Ryan and Marissa on The OC.

Naima was chosen the winner, and she picked Michelle and Tatiana to go with her for the grand prize, which had them splitting $10,000 worth of diamonds. You have heard me say Naima is very sweet, but you could tell she has as sense of who she was living with when she picked the people to come with her. Part of the reason was surely because she doesn't want to seem like she is playing favorites, but I think she could also tell how devastated Michelle was at not being picked first, and knew it would do wonders for her confidence to have her performance validated. She's gorgeous, seems smart, is a complete individual, and is a good person. I bet she even does her own taxes.

Tiffany has been slowly breaking down over the last few weeks. She feels more and more out of place each week, and since Brandi left, it seems as she doesn't really have anybody she can talk to in the house. It looked like she tried to reach out to Keenya, who is from Compton, and may be able to understand Tiffany, but it doesn't seem like it is working. The girls were trying to explain what cockney was and said it was sort of like a white, ghetto slang. Tiffany took offense to the use of the term ghetto as a negative, and thought everybody was trying to make it sound like people in the ghetto aren't intelligent. I don't think her roommate's were trying to be that malicious, they just weren't linguists. They really didn't know how to explain their theory that well. I guess Noam Chomsky only comes around once in a lifetime.

The main photo shoot was nothing too exotic, but continued with the theme of acting a role. The girls were whisked away into the hills for a photo shoot for Wonderbra. They also were given probably their most enjoyable prop of the year - this model named Rib. No, I didn't leave off any letters there, his name is Rib. I am sure it is short for something else, but I don't want to look it up because it is really cracking me up thinking about calling a guy Rib. Imagine if you were listening to one of his friends talk to him on their cell phone. What a strange one-sided conversattion. "Rib, yo." "Nawww Rib" "Rib, I don't care what you say, I like her" "Sure, I'll pick you up at the airport Rib" What is that?

So, we have Wonderbra and a male model. If you think that sounds like a recipe for a sexy photo shoot, you were right. Everybody got to frolic on the bed with Rib (ha! I'm still luaghing) while Jay used a fan to blow a bunch of down feathers in the air, adding a little bit of action to the faux pillow fight the girls were having with Rib.

This sort of shoot was completely made for Brittany. That girl could look slutty making french toast in a mumu, but throw her and her ample assets into a push-up bra, and it is all over. Asking her to pretend to be having fun with a guy, and that's just too easy. It's all so natural. It was also very natural for Tatiana. In fact, most of the girls could relate to the little round of foreplay, except for Kahlen. Somebody please go check the boys in Oklahoma. Perhaps they have been drinking too much Mountain Dew or watched that vasectomy episode of Seinfeld, but apparently Kahlen has never had a boyfriend. I guess she is only twenty, and it's not so terrible strange. It definitely wasn't an act, as she literally covered her eyes when Rib walked in wearing only boxer briefs. During the shoot, it looked like she was worried she would get pregnant if they were too close or moving too fast.

Kahlen: "I'm too young to have a baby!"

TIffany also had trouble with the photo shoot. She is slowly becoming more and more detached from everybody else. We already had the "i am so homesick, let me call my grandmother who raised me moment" this episode, and she admitted to not being mentally focused during the shoot. Rebecca had an entirely different problem. She has a fiancée, and was going to get married soon after she got back from the competition. Girl was not looking forward to getting all hot and bothered with Rib. Eventually, she sucked it up, pretended it was her fiancée on the bed with her, and then had her fun.

Judging day arrived, and just when I thought that it couldn't get any funnier than watching the girls fumble lines with their cockney accents, we had something even better. For the mini-challenge, the girls had to read from a TelePrompTer, pretending they were from ANTMTV reporting from a fashion show.

Admittedly, reading from a prompter, not having practiced the lines is difficult, but not impossible. As long as you know how to pronounce most of the words, you won't have too big of a problem. So when you saw that words like chartreuse were up there, you knew it was going to be funny. What you didn't expect was so many girls having trouble butchering other words, like "magenta". You also might have thought that some of these girls would know how to pronounce some of the names famous models and designers.

Last, but not least, you never expect anybody to read any of the non-vocal prompts. Kahlen proved us wrong when she spoke some of the words in parentheses, which in prompter speak is non-verbal and perhaps a direction clue. So when Kahlen saw "(looks to the left)" she just spoke "Looks to the left". She caught herself, but it was still funny.

Once again, having a very difficult time was Tiffany. She wanted to quit in the middle of her performance, but the judges convinced her to go on. She kind of went through the motions, but pulled it off. When she left, she said "this is embarassing", which really upset the judges.

When the comments started coming, the judges became even more upset. They were generally happy with the way Brittany handled herself in the picture, and although she was a disaster as a correspondent, she was a fun disaster. When they discussed her picture, Nolé said it was a "slam dunk in the face". Oh, so that's what the kids are calling it now? I am pretty sure it was a compliment. A lot of people don't like Michelle, but I have to agree with the judges when they say there is something about her that the camera loves. She doesn't know anything she is actually doing with her body, but she has great shots.

A big turnoff for most of the judges was the way the models used the light. Many of the photos were great, but most of them you could not see the face, or their were shadows. "Know where your light is!" says Janice, and she even straddled Nigel to give a little demonstration. I think they were going to have Nolé demonstrate with guest judge Boris, but where would they put the dog? Anyway, I thought the best two shots were of Brittany and Michelle, and added Naima and Keenya, because I am a biased bastard and you will all love them by the time I am done with this show:

After the deliberations, Tyra decided to give them a little bit of a pep talk to breathe some life into her wannabes. The judges were all upset at the lack of energy and spark, so Bankable herself gave them a few words as they returned. She then cut most of the crap and started reading names. Brittany was first, and Tyra said that the girls should watch her, because she is growing on and off the camera. She is the "it" girl now, but how long before the judges notice that huge cleft in her chin? Michelle, Naima, and Keenya were the next off the board. Throw in Kahlen or Rebecca, and I think that is a pretty solid top 5, don't you?

Well, think again. Rebecca and Tiffany were the last in the group. Rebecca was once again picked because she is safe and boring. Last week, some of the folks in the comments section didn't understand what the fuss was with Rebecca and the criticism that she is safe. Rebecca may be the prettiest, but she is boring. You don't have to be in a gang bang video to know how to look sexy in front of the camera. She's the kind of woman who you marry and think you are going to have wonderful sex the rest of your life, but start cheating because she only bangs in the mish with the lights off. Tiffany was picked because her attitude has only grown worse. The jusdges believes she is gorgeous, and would be great couture, but Tiffany basically doesn't care anymore.

The judges were so sick of them both, that Tyra pulled out a blank photo instead of reading off another name. That's right, both girls had to go home. Rebecca was truly devastated, and so were the other girls. Everybody was crying and hugging, and sad to see her have to go. Tiffany, on the other hand, was joking around, and laughing, like it was almost a relief. Tyra called them back right away.

Our host immediately told Rebecca she respected her emotions, and could tell this whole thing was important to her. Tyra then scolded Tiffany for taking it as a joke. Tiffany tried to say she was just not cut out for this, she felt strange, yada yada, and you don't know what I've been through. Enough was enough. Tyra wasn't going to take anymore. I would like to describe it for you, but why don't you just watch the video. I always accused Tyra's of having rehearsed comments when it came time to eliminate a model, but this looks like the real deal:

Click on Tyra to hear a piece of her mind. (You need quicktime to see the video)

Honestly, what can you say after that? Isn't it always awkward to have to be in the room when somebody gets chewed out? The girls who made it were all crying, and didn't know what to do. Both girls seemed happy to be going home. Rebecca will be going back to get married and will find great success doing underwear ads for Wal*Mart or as the 6 o'clock news weather girl in Duluth, or wherever she's from. She can also tell everybody that she is "drop dead" gorgeous. Tiffany gets to go back, and, well, she was happy that Tyra cared so much to yell at her. I am not saying that Tiffany had to be gentrified, or that she had to change herself at all. She is quite happy being ghetto-fab, but one of the reasons why they picked her was because she had changed so much from last year, and they believed she could eventually learn what it takes to be a model. I thought she was too skinny and her tattoos were gross, so I am not going to complain.

As for the rest, Tyra's words certainly had an effect on them, and it will be interesting to see if that sparks some great performances in the future, or if people will crumble under the pressure.

It's Not Easy Being Green(light)

As some of you loyal readers may know, there are many, many wonderful shows in the TV universe that we humble TVgasm writers simply have not been able to cover yet. Desperate Housewives, Kevin Hill, and Lost come to mind specifically. But there's another show out there that's worthy of attention. Project Greenlight, now in its third season, has found a new home at Bravo, and honestly, it's awesome -- a total trainwreck of profit-minded studio execs and a sadsack loser with an alleged artistic vision. Since none of us have had the time to give this show the proper recaps it deserves, please read this fairly accurate assessment from The New York Times. The article pretty much sums up the season so far, and if nothing else is a lovely exercise in adjective usage.

Also check out the official Project Greenlight blogs at Bravotv.com. It's the perfect way to waste ten minutes, especially as the too-cool-for-school writers try to do a little damage control.

Vicodin to Paula Abdul: "Stop Eating My Family"

Every once in a while, a letter comes through to TVgasm which I feel an obligation to print. It has been a while since I deemed one worthy of publication. In fact, not since Jesus' letter have I felt compelled to print one. But after reading this letter, I was moved nearly to tears by this writer’s plight I felt a duty to share.

What follows is the tragic tale of a young vicodin tablet, just trying to survive his journey until his expiration date comes.

Madeyoulaugh

Letter after the jump....

From: Vic@myfamiliesbeeneaten.us
Date: Wed, 13 April, 2005 01:52:43 EDT
Subject: Paula Is Killing My Family
To: Madeyoulaugh@tvGasm.com

Dear TVGasm,

Normally, you guys like to make a lot of jokes. But my mommy and daddy and several of my brothers and sisters are missing and I need your help or I’m afraid I may be next.

I used to have a condo live in a big pharmacy complex. But then the bad man in the white coat and relocated me, mom and dad and all my family into this mobile home. initially it was very exciting. Me and 29 of my family members moved into a very cool neighborhood. I was super excited to see Paula Abdul live and in person. I used to hear her musack when we lived at the pharmacy all the time. When we relocated to her area, I used to pretend to be asleep and would peak out and saw a naked Paula Abdul, playing "opposites attract" drinking Jack Daniels out of a bottle while playing tea party with cardboard cut outs of Simon Cowell and the young boys of America Idol (you know, the ones daddy calls faygala's).

This was all very exciting to see, until she walked to our home and pulled out Mommy and 3 of my brothers. I thought they were so lucky, there were gonna get to play with Paula Abdul....but then....she ate them. I cried and cried. Why would Paula Abdul eat my family?

Since that night, I learned a new word. Daddy taught it to me. It’s called "genocide." Paula Abdul is to the Odin family what Hitler was to the Jews. I'm the youngest of 28 pills. Before Lisa was eaten, she told me I should have been allowed my childhood. That pills my age shouldn't know words like, "genocide," and "swallowing" and "refills remaining." "Refills Remaining" is basically the promise of more death by ingestion!

This is a caricature drawn of me and my family when we first moved into our new home. Were so happy. This is a photo of my home now. I’m so scared. It’s just me. I'm alone and scared. Please, TVGasm. Publish this letter, so when I'm gone my story will live on.

And Paula Abdul, stop eating my family. Sometimes, under extreme conditions, my family is willing to give our lives take away your pain. For when the pain is unbearable. But you can’t just eat us to take away the pain of a fallen career, faded looks, perma-smile face lift, and lack of charisma. After listing some of your traits and seeing them on paper, maybe I should introduce you to my cousin Cy. He's a nice guy, look him up under Cy Anide.

Thank you,

Vic Oden
Scared and alone in Paula Abduls Purse

The Bachelor: Welcome to Hoochfest 2005, Bitches!

[Contintuing coverage of The Bachelor is jadedbitch.]

We start off with Kimberley going through her suitcase of skank-ware, which included a pearl thong and a lacy see-through half cut bodice that cupped her assets like an overflowing grocery bag of melons. She was indeed preparing for the one-on-one date with Charlie that evening. She so wants to be Samantha Jones. Meanwhile across town, Charlie was busy breaking his telephone. Literally. He had taken the receiver off the wall phone and was spinning it around him like some sort of telephone-slinger, when it flew right off. Eventually he put it back together and gave Kim a call. They were to have their first date together at an art gallery. This of course caused Jenny and Anitra to advise Kim not to wear such a slutty outfit to an art gallery. "People who go there, are in suits and are educated,"noted Jenny, who only wanted to help her fellow Canadian gal pal. Kim did end up changing into something less slutty, which isn't saying much. Instead of putting her boobs on display, she opted to don a jacket, but hike up her skirt, therefore prominently showcasing her vagina. "Now we're cooking - with GAS!"exclaimed Charlie. This guy has so many awful one-liners that someone should give him his own cheesy reality show. Oh wait...

Now, watching the two of them wander around an art gallery was like watching an episode of LOST. However, it soon made sense as to why they picked such a peculiar location for a date - Charlie was an artist!! Well, not quite. He had some of his childhood paintings put up on the wall to see what she would say. She claimed he was a pretty good artist! Wow, Kim, you're an idiot. That's all that needs to be said. Will she get a rose though? That fate would be decided at Charlie's place, to which it seemed he couldn't get her there fast enough.

Meanwhile, across town, the girls decided to throw themselves a Kimberley party. This is along the lines of a Stevie Nicks party where everyone shows up dressed as Stevie Nicks, except of course, the girls dug through Kim's luggage and came out dressed like Kim. "Welcome to Hoochfest 2005, Bitches!" said Sarah B., the Caroline Rhea impersonator. I would suggest throwing a Rupert from Survivor party, or perhaps an Erin from The Apprentice party (bath rugs not included), but whatever you do, for the love of Survivor, do NOT throw a Richard Hatch come-as-you-are nudist party.

Back at Charlie's house, Kimberley fondled the back of Charlie's knee with her foot, cementing his decision to give her the rose. After she received it though, she didn't stop her Samantha Jones antics, hopping on the bed and proceeding to make out with him being the main indicator.

Back at the apartment, now looking like the set of Boogie Nights, the girls wondered where in the world Kim and Charlie could be? Seriously though, the way these girls were dressed in Kim's clothes looked like they'd just done lines of coke off each other's back just before heading out to a night at Studio 54. Instead, they all sat around the table discussing the possibility that Kim and Charlie were hooking up at that very moment. Kara, the single mother who was trying hard to channel Britney Spears circa Baby One More Time, said that she wouldn't want to date someone who hooked up with someone so quickly. Is that because you once did that, got pregnant, and now you're a single mother!?? Sorry, I'm not dissing single mothers necessarily, just Kara.

Put on your bowling shoes, it's time for a group date! Working it hard for the single rose to be handed out was Sarah Dub, who kept trying to rub Charlie's ball. *snicker* The other girls bitched about Sarah W. hogging up the bachelor, with Krisily trying to figure out what Sarah's last name was - "Wicked? Witch? Worm?" Ah Krisily, we like you. Unfortunately for her, Charlie dealt the "we're good friends" blow. Is being friends enough to make a relationship?

Rub that ball!

After Charlie was taken away by Krisily, Sarah Dub and Sarah B. drank and gossipped together. Sarah Dub told Sarah B. that Charlie already had a Final Four in mind, and that it did Not include Sarah B. Poor Sarah B. looked like someone had just donkey punched her. However, it was she who would have the last laugh when the one rose up for grabs would be bestowed upon her.

Kara later received a telephone call regarding her one-on-one date with Charlie. He tells her that he's way too tired to go on it, and postpones it until the next day. Kara then threw the phone against the wall while screaming, "I HATE YOU! Don't you know I'm a single mother?! How dare you do this to me!" Well no, not really. Instead, she called up her kid to talk with because she's such a great mom. Oh wait, that didn't happen either. Kara, you suck.

The next day, Charlie and Kara finally went on their date which included a skate at Central Park and two kids who taunted them with, "I bet you can't skate better than that!" Charlie was up to the challenge, because you know, he likes to beat up little kids. In fact, one of them fell and I'm pretty sure Charlie pushed him. Kara did pull out her Single Mom Membership Card to which Charlie reeled back in horror. It apparently was a bit too much for the big lug, as he opted not to give Kara the rose, thus sending her packing.

Charlie then phoned up big brother Jerry, fresh from a taping of Crossing Jordan no doubt. "Chucky, you sound good, man!" Jerry quipped. Chucky?? Oh boy, you just KNOW there's a Seed of Chucky joke lurking around somewhere. The only advice that big brother could give however, was not to jump into the hot tub. WTF?Otherwise, it was a completely pointless phone call other than to be able to show a clip of Jerry O'Connell in the commercials in order to draw viewers in.

At the rose ceremony, Kimberley (who finally got to wear her lacey bodice) and Sarah B. were safe on the sidelines. Jenny mentioned that she didn't look like Kimberley (i.e. gigantic tits) and didn't act like Sarah Dub (i.e. throwing herself all over him). Jenny of course put it much more nicely, calling Sarah Dub "aggressive" rather than what she really meant: "desperate."

Charlie handed out roses to Krisily, Anitra, Sarah Dub, and Kindle (um, who is this person exactly?) The only one to leave empty handed from the ceremony was Jenny, who claimed it was "no big deal." She then broke down in front of the camera and proclaimed, "I'm not doing this! I don't want you to get me crying..." and proceeded to run off camera. Now we're talking! We need more of this running off camera action.

Afterwards, the girls ganged up on Sarah Dub, telling her to "keep it real." She then took her knitting needles and stabbed them into each of their eyes, screaming, "Is THAT real enough for you!?!!" Well, no. She instead passively aggressively removed herself from the conversation and bottled up more tension to be stored for next week's episode! Incidentally, next week's episode features Krisily and Sarah Dub going at it during a manicure session, as well as a fencing duel, and a revelation from Sarah B. about Sarah Dub saying Charlie already had a final four in mind. A surprise is also in store, but as we're finding, this show is one big cock tease with little follow-through.

In other news, I am off to Fabrice-land and will be absent from my television for the next two episodes. I will however, catch up when I get back, though I'm not holding out much hope that this show will get any better. See you all in two weeks' time!

No Luck In Lucknow

This was a nice little Amazing Race episode. Yeah, it may not have been as intense as the past three legs, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. I don't really want to say much more, lest I ruin it for some poor reader who hasn't caught up with his or her Tivo watching, but I will say that the ending left me, well, unsettled. I found myself without direction -- wandering down dark alleys, looking for answers. Needless to say, I've now picked up a nasty heroin habit, and there's a woman named Francine who claims to be my baby's momma. We're getting married next month in Reno, and yes, we're registered at K-Mart.

Okay, apologies. That intro really made no sense at all. Come on, I had to write something. Anyway, last night's episode kicked off with Rob and Amber ripping open their clue with great optimism. Fly to Lucknow, India said the clue. Once there, teams would have to find a large temple/religious building and locate a clue hidden inside. Great! Let's go!

Well, the travel plans were a bit tricky this time around. The producers had arranged transport from Botswana to Mumbai (Bombay), but from there, it was up to the teams to figure out how to get to Lucknow. Oh, and everyone also had to sign up for a charter flight from the Pitstop to Francistown, Botswana. Okay, so lots of flying. Just give me the nifty map, and I'll be fine.

Ramber signed up for the first charter plane and were followed by Ron and Kelly who after their meltdown last week, were trying to keep it together. Uchenna and Joyce were third and immediately we had our first "Awwww..." moment of the night as she said "Walkin' in the rain with the one I love." Okay, say it all together: awwwww.... Uchenna commented that it was quite a nice thing for Joyce to say, and well, I have to agree with him. That WAS very nice. Joyce, you get a gold star for today!

Also having fun were the dependably sharp Lynn and Alex who noted that despite the cliché, the adversity of the race had really brought them closer together. Lynn then slipped into his supermodel mode and boasted "We are so amazing." He then brushed back his long blonde hair and prepared for compliments. Believe it or not, I didn't make any of this up. This is why you've gotta love these guys. They provide the snark for us. Although, it is hard to be funny about jokesters. I feel like I'm just standing here pointing at them, meekly saying "Yeah, what he said."

Fifth out of the gate were Meredith and Gretchen, the latter of which let out a strange "oooh" noise upon receiving the India assignment. Granted, our gal Gretch is always good for some chirps, buzzers, and toots, but this was really strange. The two explained to us that they had no real allies in the Race and the best thing they could do would be to take them out one by one. But safety first. "We don't want to break a hip," noted Meredith. Gretchen then pointed to her forehead and seethed, "You see this? It's bloooood, you sissy boy. Now hurry up!"

Anyway, all the teams boarded the same charter plane (Why even have the option for other flights?) and flew to Francistown where they awaited their connection to Mumbai. With some downtime on their hands, the teams all scurried to book flights from Mumbai to Lucknow. Alex snatched a local's cellphone to call a travel agent while Rob talked to an airline employee. There was lots of babbling about connections and cities and dammit, I was confused. Where's that neat map they always give us? I'm starting to get lost here.

Nevertheless, Rob and Amber booked ticket for themselves and Ron and Kelly while Alex got flights for everyone else. Amidst all the chaos, I couldn't tell who had the better deal, but either way, Rob told the ticketing agent not to allow the other teams to book flights with her. Of course, any smart team should know by now that they should always keep an eye on Rob in case he pulls these shenanigans. Then again, maybe it was all in vain. Maybe Rob's flight would actually be behind the others. JUST SHOW US THE DAMN MAP!

Well, we couldn't check out the map just yet because we had some interpersonal business to attend to. Ron and Kelly, although temporarily allied with Ramber, were starting to feel the social stigma of constantly working with the Survivors. Besides, on a personal level, they simply didn't like Rob and Amber, calling them two of the most manipulative people they'd ever met. "Gotta cut it off and quit talking to them," suggested Ron. Amusingly enough, Rob seemed oblivious to this seething disapproval. "Our relationship with Ron and Kelly is definitely one of mutual respect and friendship towards each other," he explained. I guess it's this sort of self-delusion that's lead Ramber to believe America wants to see their televised wedding as well.

Finally it was off to Mumbai, and while Ron, Kelly, Rob, and Amber seemed to board their connection almost instantly, the other teams had some time to kill in the airport. Gretchen decided to take a supermarket sweep and shop for some cheap backpacks. She quickly learned that there were no senior discounts in India, but our intrepid consumer still found a backpack that worked just fine. Personally, I was hoping she'd throw down some cold hard cash for a SpongeBob knapsack, but I guess that would be asking too much. "Boy, don't you look snazzy!" complimented Meredith upon seeing his wife modeling her new accessory. "If you're a good boy, Meredith, later tonight I'll wear this backpack and nothing else," cooed Gretchen in return. Okay, sorry, that was just gross. I apologize.

Anyway, at long last I finally got my map as we saw the two flights leave from Mubai to New Delhi to Lucknow. Thank goodness. I was going a bit crazy there without that map. In my disorientation, I even made a semi-kinky Gretchen reference just now. Don't worry though. I think I have my wits about me. After all that talk about flights and connections, it turned out that Rob's plane arrived first, but only by eight minutes. The two lead teams quickly jumped into pre-paid taxis and drove to the religious palace, Bara Imambara, where, as Phil reminded us, their next clue was hidden. Driving through the streets, Ron noted "The only thing I can equate this to--" Okay. Here it comes. Say it Ron. Just say it. "-- is this is kind of like when everyone was trying to get the heck out of Baghdad because it was being bombed." OH REALLY? I didn't think you'd bring that up AGAIN. Tell me, is that the only thing you can equate this to? And just how is this reminiscent of a city being bombed? I don't see anyone fleeing for their lives. I don't see, you know, BOMBS. I wonder, is this his knee-jerk reaction everytime he sees traffic? Crowded streets, sweltering heat, cars at a standstill - MY GOD! IT'S IRAQ INCARNATE!

Well, while Ron continued to ride along in his cab (which, being a vehicle and such, reminded him of the cars in Iraq), the other teams landed and headed to the taxi stand. They soon learned that two other teams had just been there, much to Gretchen's dismay. Chaos soon reared its ugly again as Lynn, Alex, Meredith, and Gretchen attempted to pre-pay for their cabs. There was lots of yelling, quick editing, and general confusion. Silly foreign taxi services. Will they ever learn???

We cut to commercial, and when we returned, the taxi mess sorted itself out quickly as the teams all jumped in their cabs and headed to the next clue, which, as Phil mentioned again, was located in Bara Imambara. YES PHIL, WE KNOW! Rob and Amber were first to arrive, and after their donned head coverings, they marveled at the sight of the building. Rob even promised to build a palace for Amber that was twice as nice. Huh. That was actually a very sweet thing to say. Must have been hanging around Joyce a little bit too long. By the way, if several hundred years from now there is a giant palace that's dedicated to Amber from Survivor, it's safe to say the human race is doomed.

Anyway, after finding the clue in Bara Imambara, teams had to take a horse-drawn tonga (man, I love Amazing Race transportation) to a steel emporium where a Yield awaited. Everyone assumed Rob and Amber would be using the Yield on Lynn and Alex, but no, they opted not to. And for the record, Ron and Kelly actually arrived at the Yield first and unwisely chose not to use it on Ramber. Seriously, even Rob admitted he would have used it had he been in their situation. Oh well. It probably wouldn't have amounted to anything anyway. We all remember last season when the Yield was placed on a nonelimination leg (kind of like the Fast Forward on the nonelimination leg this season. Memo to producer: these devices are supposed to AFFECT the game).

After passing up the Yield, teams then encountered the Roadblock which tantalizingly asked "Who has the most patience?" Well, Ron had an idea: "That has to be you," he said, nodding to Kelly. "I mean, it's not you really, but it has to be you for this." Shut up dickwad. If anyone has patience, it's her. She's the one who has to deal with all your constant yammering about how the traffic and the lightning and the wind and the sunlight and the hills and the birds and the flowers all remind you of I-freakin-raq.

And so Kelly and Amber jumped into the Roadblock which had them searching through six hundred steel boxes for one of ten clues. YES. My second favorite type of Roadblock (after the food competitions, natch). The two gals carefully peeped into dozens of boxes, and as the task became increasingly difficult, Kelly came up with a plan. Whoever finds a clue will holler out. Huh? Why? It's not like there will be two in one box. Maybe Kelly thought that if Amber found a clue, she'd wait around until Kelly found one also. Either way, this strategy's limitations were quickly made apparent as Amber came across her clue first (of course) and quickly alerted Kelly, resulting in... nothing.

Well, Rob and Amber were told to take a rickshaw to a small service station under a bridge. Ah yes. The rickshaw. It's like an old friend coming to dinner. Ramber headed off on their odyssey, and not too long after, Ron and Kelly hit the road as well. The rest of the teams eventually made their way to the Roadblock (none used the Yield) and seemed to find their clues relatively easily. Alex even did a little dance. Once again, Meredith and Gretchen fell behind the pack (seriously, every SINGLE time!) and arrived at the steel emporium last. Good ole' Gretch tackled the challenge, but she was soon overwhelmed by all the giant boxes stacked over her head. Would she ever find the clue? Or would this be a repeat of poor Lena's hay bale horror from last season?

Sadly, it looked like it might be the latter, especially since Gretchen didn't seem to have any discernible strategy for searching the boxes. Then again, you can never know anything with all that tricky editing the producers use. After some time, Gretchen finally found her clue. Ah, but when one door opens, another closes. Where to find a rickshaw? "Can you find us a rickshaw?" she asked a local man. Hate to break it to you, Gretch, but they're EVERYWHERE! Seriously, just jump in the air, and I guarantee you'll land in one.

Meanwhile, at the front of the pack, Rob and Amber arrived at the service station where they received the Detour: Solid or Liquid. In Solid, teams had to go to a nearby location and chisel away enough charcoal to fill three 170 lbs. bags which they'd have to transport a short distance via a tricycle (don't worry, it was a cool tricycle with a flatbed and everything). In Liquid, teams would have to travel three miles away to a tea shop, load up a wagon, head to an office building, and deliver five cups of tea (one at a time) to people off a list who in return would hand over their business cards. As Phil was happy to point out, Solid was closer but tougher whereas Tea was farther but potentially time consuming. Man, he LOVES tradeoffs! Actually, the best part of all this was how Phil addressed the camera with a crowd of local men standing resolutely behind him. I wasn't sure, but I had a feeling they were about to reenact a scene from Westside Story, or at least an old Pat Benetar video.

When you're a Phil, if the spit hits the fan, you got brothers around, you're a family man!

We'll just settle this now. Everyone opted for the tea challenge. Rob and Amber jumped onto a rickshaw while Ron and Kelly waited behind. You see, Ron wanted a rickshaw too, but Kelly was pro-taxi. Eventually though, Ron insisted that they take a rickshaw, causing his girlfriend to state, "I disagree with that, but I'll go and do it... But I'll make it known I don't agree." THANKS. I was afraid you wouldn't make it known. Luckily it's on the record now; so if she ever decides to run for office and an anti-rickshaw smear campaign surfaces, we'll know exactly where she stands on the issue. Actually, as we all know, her little comment was merely "I told you so" insurance for later. It's always nice to see people planning their passive aggression ahead of time. I hate sloppy, impromptu PA.

Anyway, there's really not much to say about the Detour. While it was entertaining, it was basically ten minutes of watching all these people running around, trying to find their tea targets. There were some minor incidents such as when one man claimed to be someone else and Rob almost got fooled. "Don't try to pull a fast one like that again!" he scolded. Yes, stop not-understanding Rob in his language that is not native to you! How dare you be confused by his foreign tongue! Actually, the moment was rather benign, even though CBS had hyped it all week to make the incident seem like Rob was headed for the slammer. Honestly, I love the Amazing Race, but we should all know by now that almost anything they promote is sure to be a big nothing.

Hey Ambah, it's like 90 degrees. Take off your coat!

As for Meredith and Gretchen, they rode their rickshaw proudly through the streets of Lucknow. With the cameras on them, the locals all assumed they were celebrities and asked for autographs. Maybe they thought the couple was Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward? Either way, Meredith and Gretchen soon had crowds literally surrounding them and cheering them along. It was kind of like those early '80s music videos where a singer would walk through the streets, slowly accumulating an improbable posse of followers and dancers.

Was it me, or was this moment mildly reminiscent of Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It?" video?

Eventually, Rob and Amber completed their Boston Tea Party first and headed to Phil who was waiting at the crummiest Pit Stop EVER. But wait! Maybe it wasn't a Pitstop. After all, the clue only said Phil was at "the mat". As Ramber headed towards this mysterious fate, the other teams finished up as well, thus ending what was sure to be the most annoying day in ages for these workers. Seriously, how annoyed would you be if reality stars kept running into your office and offering tea? Well, actually, I would love that.

By the way, did I say all the teams had completed the Detour? I lied. Gretchen and Meredith had yet to even start it. This was especially amusing in the wake of Alex and Lynn who in fourth place feared that the old couple had powered their way through the charcoal challenge and leapfrogged to the front of the pack. Yeah, not so much. Instead, our cheery old couple had just arrived at the office building that all the other teams had already left.

Dying of thirst and wishing to drink some of the tea themselves (shades of Gus from AR 6), Meredith and Gretchen headed in and quickly got to work passing out their libations. Once again, a man accidentally tried to take someone else's tea, causing Gretchen to whip out her matronly guilt. "Shame on you!" she said tongue-in-cheek. Well, at least they were having fun. And better yet, they had gone a whole five minutes without getting lost. Baby steps...

Meanwhile, Rob and Amber finally found the rundown apartment building where Phil was waiting. But guess what? "You're still racing," said Phil, who followed up his comment with a strange "Yeah, how's that feel, ASSHOLES!" expression. Amber took the news harshly as she threw back her head in pure, unadulterated agony. Ha.

"You stupid, stupid humans."

And then suddenly the screen went black and "To Be Continued..." flashed before out eyes. Wow, that's the end? But one team's still doing the Detour. I feel confused and unresolved. Whatever. I love this show, and as I've said before, if the producers feel like prolonging the experience, I'm all for it. What do you think will happen? Will Meredith and Gretchen be able to pull themselves out of their giant hole once again? Will Rob and Amber ever fall to the back of the pack?

Come On Baby Light My Fire

It kind of feels like we're reaching the end of Survivor, but as Jeff Probst mentioned several times, we still got a whole lot of TV left to watch. Going into this week's episode, there were only two people left standing on Ulong, the saddest tribe in Survivor history. Week after week, we've watched the numbers dwindle, and with only two left, it kind of felt like the season finale this time around. I mean, Koror doesn't even feel like they're playing the game anymore. Yes, they do participate in the challenges (and win them too), but there's a sense that when it comes to eliminations, they just are along for the ride. After Ulong goes kaput, the season will be over and we'll all be off on our merry ways. Ah, but what if Koror happens to lose an immunity? Maybe this would be the week where everything changes for Steph and Bobby Jon. After all, these two plucky Ulong survivors have proven to be the strongest, most iron-willed members of their depleted tribe. Surely their time has arrived, right? Well, I'm sure as long as the immunity challenge doesn't require a puzzle again, they'll be fine...

The episode began with Steph and Bobby Jon thanking each other for sticking by their words. "Bobby Jon and I, we're the two people best for the job right now," explained Steph. I wasn't sure what the "job" was, but I'll just assume it had to do with losing and/or crushed spirits. Nevertheless, it was down to two, which meant there was little for Ulong to do other than pray that one of these days, incompetency would somehow yield results.

Meanwhile, over at Koror, the plagues seemed to be descending on the merry camp. Okay, maybe just vermin. Yes, a host of rats and bugs had taken over the professionally assembled shelter, much to the dismay of all the residents. You gotta hand it to these critters. It takes a bold rat to not fear Katie's extreme tartness. Luckily, these rodents appeared to be plague-free which meant people were less apt to squeal and more likely to scoff at their presence. This predictably led to a roundtable discussion as to why now the rats had made Koror their home away from home. Tom postulated that the humans no longer seemed like a threat and therefore the rats had become emboldened. Yeah, that sounds like a nifty, Pavlov-friendly idea. But I think it has more to do with the fact that Koror is just one sloppy, nasty tribe. A quick survey of the grounds revealed that dirty junk was everywhere, including Tom's old shark head which had been mounted and rotting on a nearby tree. Yeah, well, now I know why the rats felt so comfortable: the humans were IDIOTS.

At least one person seemed to be with the program though. That's right, our old friend Coby registered dismay at the grimy condition of the camp and even went so far as to remove Tom's hallowed shark head from its perch. I personally was surprised that Ian didn't tackle Coby and yell, "You can't do that! It's sacred! If Tom finds out I let someone touch the almighty shark head, he'll lash me forty times with a cat-o-nine tails! I can't betray my master, my keeper, my lover!"

Sadly, no such moment of homoerotic passion irrupted forth from Ian. However, that's not to say tempers were calm at Koror. After disposing of the decomposing shark flesh, Coby then chastised the tribe's ladies in an interview, saying that all they do is sit around and let the men wait on them. "I'm too much of a feminist to watch this happen," he said, instantly creating one of the best Survivor lines in franchise history. His solution: vote 'em all off! Personally, I would have simply smacked them around a little bit. Okay, I wouldn't do that. But I would make Katie swing on a vine for a few hours, just to see her flop into a tree or a boulder again.

Eventually it came time for the reward challenge and sure enough, it was finally the dreaded food competition. Jeff Probst happily summoned the teams and announced "Today you'll be eating..." (Please be poop. Please be poop.) "Balut." Aw, shucks. I really wanted them to eat poop. Okay, so basically two people from each team had to square off and consume balut, an island delicacy / FDA violation. Basically, this tasty morsel was a partially formed duckling egg. Yum! Even better, the savory fetuses had beaks and feathers, making the entire experience bird-tastic! Despite all this, I'm still pretty sure eating twelve baluts is a hell of a lot easier than downing three Cadbury Cream Eggs (so sweet, so creamy, so -- my god! My teeth have instantly rotted away!!!).

After happily introducing us to Balut, Jeff Probst's rictus of sadism widened even further as he announced the teams would be playing for personal hygiene products such as mouth wash, soap, shampoo, and deodorant. Sadly, something tells me though that Ian probably never uses these things anyway. Never one to pass up a moment of hostility, Probst noted that this prize was important because "You guys reek." Caryn responded with a laugh so huge, you'd think she'd just won tickets to Tina Turner's farewell tour.

Nevertheless, it was time to get this party going. Bobby Jon and Steph went up against Batman and Robin, aka Tom and Ian. The first few rounds were fairly ordinary as the goal was to simply eat the Balut without any time restraints. Tom was more than delighted to throw in a few cocky comments like "Watch the beak" and "Got a chirp out of that one". Ironically, those are the exact same sweet nothings he and Ian whisper to each other late at night. (Man, it's really hard for two heterosexual men to be friends on reality TV. We bloggers are always trying to make them gay).

Anyway, after everyone had ingested their fare share of duckling abortions, Probst announced that each duo would elect one person to battle it out in a time challenge. The first team to eat five baluts (or six. Honestly, I don't remember), would win reward. Bobby Jon volunteered for Ulong, while Tom announced that "It's gonna be Tom." Man, you know he's getting cocky when he starts referring to himself in the third person. Well, if there's anything we should know by now, it's that when Bobby Jon steps up for Ulong, Ulong loses. Sure enough, BJ crammed all the baluts in his mouth at once, but unfortunately, this strategy backfired as he soon discovered he had hardly any room to chew and swallow. Tom, meanwhile, chugged along at a consistent pace, eventually overtaking Bobby Jon and winning the reward. Probst happily raised up the basket of cleaning products and announced "You can take this back with you." He then added "Just don't get close to me. I fear that Ian's stench will forever ruin the sweet joys of odor."

We then paused for a commercial break. I mean, we didn't go to commercial. The show simply stopped so we could gaze upon the sheer cleaning action of Scope Mouthwash and Crest Toothpaste and Pantene Pro-V. Hell, I got so caught up and went and took a shower right on the spot. Speaking of which, as part of the reward, Koror also won a 55 gallon drum of fresh water for the camp. Almost immediately everyone became excited with the prospect of a shower, but Tom quickly put the kibotch on that. He ruled that the water could only be used for drinking and cooking, which is not entirely an illogical stance. Still, his authoritarian decision-making rubbed some people the wrong way, especially when he yelled "As the Grand Shark Slayer and Ruler of the Koror Tribe, I hereby declare this water sacred and holy. My manservant Ian will guard this reservoir, and only I shall decide who is worthy of replenishment by this life-giving spring." He then added, "Also, I forgot to Tivo Desperate Housewives. If someone can get me the episodes we're missing, I'll let you drink half a gallon, no strings attached."

Actually, none of that happened, but Tom did annoy several tribemates, including Jenn who just wanted to take one simple shower. She actually became quite heated in her interview as she didn't see what the big deal was. Aw Tom. Have a heart. She just wants a shower. One teeny-weeny, cute as a button shower. Aw Tom. She weally wants it. Tee-hee! But not even the sweetest gal in all of the South Pacific could melt his heart. NO WATER FOR YOU, BLONDIE!

Over at Ulong, the two losers once again licked their wounds. "I had my throat open," insisted Bobby Jon, opening up the floor for various BJ / open throat puns. Here's the thing. Having the throat open is great. But the trick to successful consumption is chewing. You know, like when you move your jaw up and down. Is any of this sounding familiar, Bobby Jon? Anything at all? Okay, never mind. Let's just go back to the blow job jokes.

Sadly, if there was anyone who needed the cleaning products, it was BJ himself. Unlike everyone else out on the islands, Bobby Jon seemed unaware that it was possible to bathe in such bizarre places as "in the sea" or "with sand." Stephenie registered disgust as she observed not only how dirty and grimy her Pigpen tribemate was, but how he had simply reverted to Neanderthal roots. This was best evidenced by watching him take out his frustration on a wayward piece of wood which he hacked with all his might. I can understand though. I mean, even the piece of wood has won immunity.

Speaking of which, the next day both tribes prepared for the next immunity challenge. Ian acknowledged that with Ulong's numbers dwindling, things at Koror would be turning bitter very soon. "We're on the verge of complete ridiculousness," he said. The verge? Judging by the goofy grin on your face and the various skeletal heads adorning camp, I'd say you've already taken the dive. But wait, maybe he was right. A few moments later he informed us that the final four would be him, Tom, Katie, and... Stephenie? Whaa? This IS ridiculousness. I've been spending so much time enjoying the fall of Ulong that I forgot there was a whole scheming aspect to this game. Let the passive aggression begin!

As for Ulong, Steph and Bobby Jon weren't even thinking about final four. They had other pressing issues, like snot rockets. Yes, Bobby Jon decided to liven up camp life with some airborne boogers, but unfortunately, Stephenie was unimpressed. After all, she's a woman who enjoys the finer things in life, like conversation and... not having mucus hurtled in her general direction. Still, the two put aside their differences to go fishing and once again, Bobby Jon hauled in another stunning bounty. This time his fish seemed to be about the size of a PSP (hey Sony, like the plug? Wanna send us a promotional one? Please???), and with protein in their bodies, the two trekked on out to the immunity challenge with the hopeful notion that they might, for once, win.

With everyone gathered around, Probst snatched the immunity idol back from Koror, adding "Ulong, that means anyone can win." I suppose that was his passive aggressive way of saying "GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER YOU IDIOTS!" Anyway, the challenge was incredibly convoluted. Let's see if I can remember it. A member from each team had to swim out to a pontoon, dive underwater and free a bag of puzzle pieces, climb up on the pontoon, walk over a balance beam and swim back to shore. Then the next team member would head out, except he or she would have to swim out to a farther pontoon and so on and so forth. Think that's it? YOU'RE WRONG! Once teams had collected all four bags of puzzle pieces, they then had to fit them together on a board. First puzzle completed wins immunity, right? WRONG! Turns out the completed puzzle would form a word scramble. Teams would then have to find about twenty words and circle them. Okay. And then it would be over. NO. Teams would then have to find each instance where two words intersected. The shared letter would then have to be written down. When a team had found all the letters, they would have to use them to form a common phrase. ... ... Sorry, I was waiting for the next part of the challenge. Maybe teams would then have to lasso a giant turtle and ride it out to sea where they'd find more puzzle pieces that would form a crossword, but all the answers would be in some foreign language that would require the use of a dictionary, the pages of which had been scattered across the island. But no. Once teams formed that final phrase, then finally they would win immunity.

I felt fairly confident, as usual, that Ulong could pull this one off. After all, while they were battling Coby and Gregg, at least Tom was safely off to the side and powerless to dominate. Sure enough, Ulong garnered a sizeable lead early on. Would the tables be turning? Eh, not so fast. Bobby Jon managed to squander most of the lead when he took too long swimming out to a pontoon. Still, he and Steph did have all their puzzle pieces first; so surely this would translate to success, right?

Sigh...

As Bobby Jon had mentioned time and time again, puzzles were not the tribe's strong point. We sort of feared this might be their undoing once again, but with their momentum going strong, it seemed like the lack of brainpower might not even matter. How wrong was I. Koror not only caught up, but they pieced together their puzzle in no time, allowing them to zip through their word scramble and win immunity once again. Amazing.

Now it was the time we'd all been waiting for. What would happen to Ulong? Probst announced that Steph and Bobby Jon would be battling it out for immunity at Tribal Council. Ah, the one idea that had eluded us all. Very nice, very nice...

Since there was no need to spend the last few minutes focusing on plotting and scheming at Ulong, the producers decided to focus on Coby and his triumphant battles on Survivor. With tears in his eyes, he described how wonderful it was to be on a winning team for once. When he was a kid, he was never picked to play sports and as the years of ridicule ticked on, his self-esteem dropped, and he even quit school and... pass the tissues, please. Shame on you Mark Burnett for sneaking a four-hanky moment in on us! Actually, I didn't cry or tear up, but it was a tender moment, and it occurred to me that this world would really be a better place if we could ship people off to an island and make them starve for six weeks.

Anyway, Ulong made its way to Tribal Council where a surprisingly cheery Jeff Probst greeted the final two. Seeing that there was no use trying to instigate things, we were suddenly privy to GentleJeff™, a kind man who only wanted to hear thoughts and reflections. You see, this is what makes Jeff great. His ability to go from asshole to best bud in a wink of the eye. I had the distinct pleasure of meeting GentleJeff about eighteen months ago (at the Playboy Mansion, no less. [pause for ooohs and ahhhs]), and I was shocked at how friendly he was. He even told me to sign up for the show. I then pointed to Colby Donaldson and said "You realize I'm not this guy, right?" Chuckles all around. Needless to say, I politely rejected Jeff Probst's offer (Unless America wants to see an uncoordinated grouch falling off pontoons and looking pained, I'll be enjoying the island life from my living room, thank you very much). The point is, it's always nice to see the different sides of Probst.

Nevertheless, Jeff still wanted to know why the hell Ulong lost that day. "We just suck at puzzles," stated Steph. Yeah, that's an understatement. Give Bobby Jon one of those Fisher Price toys where you put the cube through the square hole, and I bet he'd still be working on it three hours later.

Poor Bobby Jon. It's been a tough road for him. If it weren't for the challenges, he'd be rocking Survivor. "I know where every fishing hole is," he explained. Well, not that he's actually caught any fish in those holes, but hey, he knows where they are, and that's got to count for something.

Anyway, it was time for the challenge. It was pretty simple. Both of them would have to start a fire. The first one to get their flames high enough to light their torch would win. Steph expressed extreme doubt at her abilities to make fire (come on Burnett, you're being too obvious now), but sure enough, after a slow start, she built up quite the inferno by adding lots of stringy stuff. Probst praised her progress, cheering that she was "using your brains." Bobby Jon then looked up and asked, "Brains? What in the hell is you talkin' about? Is that somethin' I have too?"

Sure enough, Steph managed to light her torch, and with great excitement, Probst declared her the victor. You could tell he was really into it because when the cameras cut to him, he had his hands up over his and a big Probst smile on his face. Aww... The Probst is excited!

You know, it's sad seeing Bobby Jon go. He was always earnest and did mean well. As he departed, he let us know that Stephenie was a strong, respectable player. "The girl's almost invincible," he said. Well, except for that glaring string of losses, but yeah, whatever you say. Let's see how she fares all by herself...

It All Makes Sense Now...

For some time now, we've pondered just exactly what sort of people vote for Constantine Maroulis week after week. Now we know: enthusiastically ugly women approaching middle age. The longer you look at these two photos, the scarier they become. Note the Joan Allen-ish lady with the alarmed expression behind our portly Constantine fan. According to all the generic thrillers I've seen, I'm pretty sure she's just spotted a sniper up above (possibly played by Jeff Bridges) and is milliseconds away from saying "Oh god."

Even scarier is the spectral vision of a possessed little girl in the foreground. I'm not sure, but I think she wants to kill us all. The devil's in her soul, I tell you!

Full-sized pic after the jump.

Fox Deems Richie Too Bitchie - UPDATED

The great thing about having a television weblog is that people start giving you tips and rumors. While there are many bogus rumors out there, we do have reliable sources. One of those sources tells us that Nicole Richie is being fired from The Simple Life. TVgasm hasn't commented on this show much since it's second season, but ever since the producers rid themselves of the pretense that anything on this show is spontaneous, it actually became enjoyable to watch.

We are still waiting for word on a possible replacement for Ms. Richie. Although we are all sure that Paris knows how to take care of herself solo, TVgasm wonders if perhaps it will make the show more enjoyable if she has a different partner each week.

UPDATE: More details of the split after the jump

Anyone in town can tell you their relationship has gotten more sour than the vomit aftertaste in Ms. Richies mouth. Nicole seems upset with Paris' unwillingness to grow up. Appearantly, Nicoles version of growing up means acting like a child to your friend who are unwilling to grow up. Oh the vortex of paradoxes and catch 22's and irony....um...ok I think I'm done with that tangent.

A result of treating your best friend slash Executive Producer of a show in which you co-star could result in your termination, which seems to be what has happened, or is currently happening.

A source close to one of the girls says that it is rumored a purported change for next season could have Paris going on adventures with A-list celbrities, celbutants and average Janes looking for a new best friend.

11 Months of TVgasm!

Yes, TVgasm is 11 months old. It's hard to imagine just how far we've come in that time. Looking back at our first month of posts, I can't believe how much the site has changed. While we once had to annoy our friends and family just to get any stats on the site, we now boast over 10,000 visitors a day.

As much as we like to congratulate ourselves for how funny we are, the thing that keeps TVgasm going is the readers. You encourage your friends and coworkers to read, you click on the banners to pay for our costs (although if some more of you did, that would be sweet), and you inspire us to keep going with all of your great feedback and comments.

But enough with all of that shit. In one month we will have been in existence for one year. To celebrate our first year on the earth, TVgasm is going to be holding a number of contests to give you readers more chances to win cool TVgasm stuff. I know most of you check 50 times a day, but in case you don't, make sure and keep an eye out for your chance to win. As an added bonus, TVgasm readers will help choose some of the winners, who will be announced during our first year anniversary extravaganza! (pretend I had a straight face when I wrote that)

You really can't lose when you go with TVgasm.

Britney Spears Prepares to Spawn

According to her website, BritneySpears.com, Britney Spears is officially preggers with what will most likely be the most high profile white trash baby to come along since Kid Rock gave birth to vomit last night at some local bar in Detroit. When asked for a comment, hubby Kevin Federline replied "Cool. Am I still gonna be famous though?" We'll see how this plays out on the couple's upcoming UPN series.

Story pending...

Universe is Crashing In

In what is still a developing story, Universal Pictures Executives Scott Stuber and Mary Parent seem to be jumping ship. The power couple (of a non sexual variety), who were ranked #58 in Premiere's 2003 annual Power 100 List. and were the executives behind such films as MEET THE FOCKERS, THE HULK, DAWN OF THE DEAD & CHRONICALS OF RIDDICK are reportadly leaving Universal to start their own production company.

As our insider continues to keep thier ear to a wall at Universal, we will have more information coming your way.

And to our friends at google, I would just like to say, "clown sex, celeb sex video nicole kidman donkey punch"

Gasmini The Wondertastical...On American Idol

Yes, it's true. My identity has been compromised. The one once known to you as Madeyoulaugh is actually I, Gasmini The Wondertastical.

Though I've tried in the past to keep my premonitions of the future to invade my recaps and sarcasticaps, it seems my visions are so grand they cans't be contained without great concentration and focustude. In my age, I find myself weaker and unable to keep my powers at bay. Recently, as one reader pointed out, I accurately predicted the type of celebritizitude Chris from The Apprentice had in store for him. This weekend, that forvision eventuality came to fruition in Las Vegas.

It seems my powers are too great to be contained within my mortal coil. I appear to have transferred some of my abilities to B-Side. Last week B-Side asserted "I'm sure Kristen will be more than happy to make a big stink (about her stolen commercial idea), if only to further extend her time in the reality spotlight." What we all saw as a snarky comment, I feared was an indication of the growing power.

If not harnessed properly, I fear this power will be uncontrollable and I couldn't forgive myself by what may come. Which is why, not unlike a well shaken 2 liter bottle of Dr. Pepper, I must open my cap slowly from time to time to keep from exploding in a sugary mess.

So what follows are my visions of tonight’'s American Idol....

I see Anthony Federov gingerly emoting his last note, followed by undeservingly long applause and fanfare....maybe...a sign. (I'm sorry this comes in flashes and shapes.) Now I see what looks like a black man's corpse, I'm not sure what that means. In my vision though his skin is black, his soul is whiter than sun bleached bleach. He's talking. I believe what he is saying is

"Yeah, man. I mean if I'm keepin' real, was aight for me. A little pitchy at first, but you worked it out, Dog. I'd say it was aight."

Next, this is strange, I'm not even sure what this is, I see what appears to be a talking vicodin, with a stiff tongue and face-lifted perma-smile. I hear a woman's voice. She is saying....

Anthony, Anthony, Anthony. You....Look....Nunderful. Weeckafterweeck, I---- you loogreat. A reastar. I thought the song choice was a hard one and you maded it your own. I startlute you."

Then the pill seems to be standing up revealing some nauseating purple floral attire and applauding like my aunt Sadie after she farted, during what we call "her final years."

Now, all I see is a black t-shirt far too tight for the man boobs inside. It's as though Pillsberry Dough-Boy is now metrosexual. He begins to speak, but just as he does, the vicodin gestures to the audience with a thumbs down and nothing is heard but boos.

Now I see a young rocker walking out on the stage....he's being introduced as Constantine. He's doing quite well vocally....oh god!!! His eyes!! they are tearing through my soul!! I feel him penetrating me! Stealing all that is good and pure---

I'm sorry, I cannot continue with this vision.

Kristen From The Apprentice Expands the Definition of "Pathetic"

Once again, TVgasm has clairvoyantly predicted an Apprentice candidate's off camera fate. Four days ago, Madeyoulaugh asserted that Chris's homicidal rage would land him on COPS, and sure enough, 48 hours later, our resident hot head wound up behind bars. Now fellow Net Worth teammate Kristen Kirchner has come along and made us look wise all over again. Just last week, we profiled a Mennen commercial that seemed to borrow liberally from Kristen's ill-fated Dove disaster ad from earlier this season. I wrote: "I'm sure Kristen will be more than happy to make a big stink about this, if only to further extend her time in the reality spotlight."

Well, ladies and gentlemen, Kristen has made a big stink. Reality Blurred reports today that Kristen has issued a press release whose purpose is to basically say "They copied me!" Of course, all it really does it make her seem amazingly (more) pathetic, especially given the press release's clunky, non-college-educated prose: "The characteristics of the thirty second spots are too similar for coincidence, including the storyline of a marathon runner lathering-up with bodywash mid- race and crossing the finish line first and the funky music soundtrack." I also enjoy how Kristen describes her firing as "controversial." Controversial? For whom? Dumb idiots who can't get over being eliminated from a reality show? Kristen goes on to bash The Donald for calling her commercial "terrible" when in fact it was so awesome that another company