Hell Is Heaven

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a new guilty pleasure: Hell's Kitchen. Granted, I'm a bit biased towards the show, if only because I had been looking forward to its airing since I first caught wind of it back in October of last year. As last night's premiere episode loomed closer, I did have a few worries. Okay, actually only one big concern: would this reality series adopt the same highly-scripted (and highly lame) style as seen on other Fox fare such as Trading Spouses, Renovate My Family, Nanny 911, My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, or The Simple Life? Well, I don't know the degree to which the show is scripted (it's safe to say that all reality series have at least some scripting), but for the most part, I'm happy to report that Fox has finally realized that it might just be entertaining to maintain some semblance of reality (if a contrived premise in an even more contrived environment can be called that). Yes, Gordon Ramsey's bullying gets repetitive. Yes, he sometimes feels like a jerk for jerk's sake. And yes, he's not nearly as charismatic as Simon Cowell or Donald Trump. But when a neophyte chef dares to make an endive salad as her signature dish (paging Hillary Clinton), you know there's fun times ahead...

The premiere began with a perfunctory introduction of Gordon Ramsey. The narrator modestly referred to G-Ram as the KING OF ALL CHEFS (pause for timpani and gongs) but then some slick footage of the cook speeding away in a sports car revealed that he was also the bad-boy of the culinary world. Sadly, we did not see Gordon crashing through a restaurant window on a Harley with long, rebellious locks blowing in the wind. I guess that's because being the bad-boy of the kitchen really doesn't carry the same caché of an actual rockstar or athlete. Something tells me that not even the most hardcore of chefs has ever uttered, "Dammit, my souflé collapsed. NOW LET'S TRASH THE HOTEL ROOM! ROCK AND ROLL!!!!"

Nevertheless, the oh-so-serious narrator introduced us to the "hot new restaurant" -- or soundstage, as we like to call it -- that would serve as the backdrop of this show, and then it was time to meet our future Iron Chefs. As the contestants mingled in the empty restaurant, the narrator informed us that "food is their passion." And, well, reality stardom too. But that's neither here nor there. Anyway, we first met Jessica, a bleached blonde headhunter who seems to have taken hair advice from Linkin Park. We didn't really get to learn much about her personal life, but something tells me her dishes will feature more clams than sausages, if you know what I mean (wink wink, nudge nudge).

Next up on the rainbow of diversity that is Hell's Kitchen was Dewberry, an effeminate, rotund (er, obese really), and not-so-nimble pastry chef who nearly became a human bowling ball after tripping down some steps. Luckily, the only damage was some sloshed champagne (and perhaps a few floorboards). Like Jessica, we didn't learn much about Dewberry (thanks Fox official website for not having the bios up) except that he's from Georgia, which leads me to hope that there might be some dramatic moment later where he'll declaire "Well, I never!" and then faint.

Do The Dew...berry

Next up was Andrew from New Jersey, a young whippersnapper whose dreams are to be a state senator or open a restaurant. Well, congratulations Andrew! By appearing on this reality show, you've ensured that both will not be coming true! Bravo!

With the benign small-talk reaching a fever-pitch, a comely, greasy-haired gentleman entered the room with a look that seemed to say "Why, yes, I am French." Actually, he was really from Brussels, but as an unenlightened American, I'll simply call it "over there." Anyway, this was Jean Philippe, the Maitre'D, and he was there to introduce the two sous chefs of the kitchen: Scott and Mary Ann. Not quite the Carolyn and George of the kitchen, these two were still an imposing duo. Okay, they weren't imposing at all, but they really tried to be, what with their sneers and yelling. The only thing missing were a few well-timed growls and barks. Anyway, Scott appeared ready to be Jason Statham's stunt double while Mary Ann had the rigid charm of an LPGA caddy. The two said that His Holiness Sir Gordon Ramsey would be arriving shortly, and everyone would have forty five minutes to create a signature dish to impress him. That's right, Dewberry. Throw away that champagne and get to work!

As everyone frantically ran around the kitchen, we met more of the candidates, but quite frankly, they kind of blended together for me. There was Elsie, the mom from Jersey. There was Jeff, the finance manager from Jersey. There was Wendy, the marketing consultant from Jersey. And there was Ralph, the chef from, you guessed it, JERSEY. Oh, and let's not forget about our aspiring politico, Andrew, also from the Garden State. Yes, apparently this was going to be an adventure through Jersey's culinary landscape (by the way, Jersey + landscape = never good).

Soon though we met Mary Ellen. Sweet, idiotic Mary Ellen. Fed up with her demanding bartending job (read: floundering acting career), Mary Ellen was hoping to break out and win a restaurant of her own (that is the prize, by the way). And what, pray tell, did the lovely Mary Ellen cook up for us? Well, it's not so much that she cooked it up as she, uh, arranged it up. Yes, Mary Ellen's signature dish was an endive salad with toasted walnuts. Oh the complexities are blowing me away! Endives? With walnuts??? Mary Ellen, your gifts are too great for this simple world! Now, I don't want to give anything away, but I heard that next week, Mary Ellen makes a peanut butter and jelly sandwich... ON A BRIOCHE!!!

Anyway, Gordon Ramsey eventually appeared and got to work tasting all the dishes laid out in front of him. First up was Andrew's creation which he had stupidly named "Andrew's Absolute Penne." You know, as a future government employee, he should realize that absolute penne corrupts absolutely. Rimshot! Well, Gordon tasted a bit of this pasta and promptly spat it out on the floor (who said the Brits had better manners than us anyway?). I have a hard time believing that Andrew's Absolute Penne was Absolutely Inedible, but if Trump is allowed to overstate his fortunes, Ramsey is entitled to overstate his dainty palate. Anyway, Gordon promptly told Andrew to "Get back in f--king line!", thus making the chef instantly more amusing than whiny fame-whore Rocco DiSpirito, late of The Restaurant.

Next up for scrutiny was Mary Ellen, whose endive salad did little to impress the surly chef. When asked why she presented an uncooked dish, she simply replied, "I love endives!" which is now one of my favorite reality defenses of all time. Needless to say, Gordon was not pleased, and yet, he certainly was much kinder to Mary Ellen than Andrew who at least tried to cook something. In fact, as Gordon went about tasting all the dishes, he tended to be much softer on the women than the men. He told one guy that his chicken "looks like a dehydrated camel's turd," which of course begs the question as to when he's ever seen a dehydrated camel's turd. I don't know, but it kind of sounded like Gordon was piecing together his insults from magnetic poetry.

Meanwhile, as the chef approached her dish, Elsie began hyperventilating and freaking out. After the commercial break, we soon found out why. She had served up a plate of ordinary-looking turkey tacos. Surely our venomous star would balk at the creation. But no! Let us not forget that Elsie was blessed with a vagina and breasts, which meant that she escaped with a quiet "not bad."

Next, Gordon focused his wrath on Dewberry by calling him "Blueberry". It was a fitting name. After all, Dewberry did sort of remind me of a giant blueberry, much like the one Violet became in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. For those wondering, the hefty pastry chef served up some baked spaghetti which looked vaguely like crusty vomit. And yes, he was severely chewed out.

The limits of Gordon's witty comebacks were tested a few dishes later as Jeff (an executive chef from New York) offered up salmon roasted on a plank of cedar. "I think you're a plank!" snapped Gordon, clearly grasping for new material. I'd like to hear some of Gordon's other comebacks:

Girl: "And this is a rack of lamb."

Gordon: "I think you're a rack of lamb!"

Waitress: "May I take your order?"

Gordon: "I think you're an order!"

Bagger: "Would you like paper or plastic?"

Gordon: "I think you're paper... or, uh, plastic..."

Anyway, when Jeff said he didn't know what "plank" meant, Gordon elaborated: it means you're an IDIOT. Something tells me he just came up with that on the spot, especially when he told Jeff "Get back in line, PLANK." Clearly he was trying to validate his new putdown by using it in another sentence. Well done, PLANK. (Okay, a quick check of the Urban Dictionary reveals that plank is in fact legitimate slang. Stupid but legitimate slang. I guess I'm the plank now).

Remember Jessica? Well, she fried up some softshell crabs which honestly didn't look so bad. Gordon's main complaint though was the spicy aioli sauce on the side. Apparently, it was too damn hot for him, which is ironic considering this is HELL's kitchen. Gordon flung back a bottle of water and chugged it down (a real chef knows to drink milk). It burns, mommy! It burns! Are we supposed to believe this guy is a bad-boy if he's going to be throwing a hissy fit each time he tastes some spicy aioli? What's next? Gagging over some pungent duck sauce?

Next up was Michael, a tattooed beanpole of a chef who might just be Travis Barker's long lost brother. Even though he had ink all over, Michael was anything but tough. In fact, he seemed scared and skittish. When Gordon asked him if he liked his own dish, Michael responded, " I do. I don't." Uh... Could you elaborate? "I don't... I do..." he then said. I don't know about that Andrew kid, but I think it's Michael who has the real future in government. Zing! I just made a witty yet cynical comment about the sad state of politics! Got room for two at that piano, Mark Russell?

Finally, Carolann from Texas presented her signature dish which was... drum roll please... chicken parm! Okay, to her credit, she's not a professional cook; so we'll give her a freebie on the lack of creativity. As for the dish itself, it just looked like a typical slab of chicken parm. What can I say? Well, Gordon LOVED it. He was a big fan of the presentation and thought the chicken was juicy. Either the other food was really crappy, or Gordon just has very simple tastes.

Speaking of Hell's Kitchen, I just managed to set my kitchen on fire. Turns out that if you set the alarm on your microwave to go off in sixty minutes and then you press "Start" instead of "Timer", well, the microwave cooks... and cooks... and cooks... then starts flaming. Fantastic.

Anyway, what I did was what you'd call a "screw up" which means that I would have been kicked off this show had I been on it. Scratch that. Had I been on it as a chef... You see, Gordon had a simple little rhyme to explain the rules: "Screw up or screw me, and you're history!" Wow, that was the most poetic use of "history" since Paula Abdul sang, "Are you more than hot for me / or am I a page in your history / book?"

Well, the bad-boy of the kitchen had more news for his lackeys: Hell's Kitchen would open... TONIGHT! Oh man, this was gonna be good. The group was split into two teams -- red and blue -- and were sent to their identical kitchens, which was not unlike the setup at Kitchen Stadium. The red team would serve the red tables (with red plates, natch) while the blue team would serve, you guessed it, the blue tables (with their appropriately blue plates as well). Furthermore, since there were too many cooks in the kitchen (note to self, remember that cliché for future Hell's Kitchen headlines), Ralph and Jeff were each made waiters for their respective teams. That was pretty fortunate for them since they didn't have to spend the rest of the afternoon memorizing five appetizer dishes, five entrees, and three desserts. Instead, that task would be up to people like endive enthusiast Mary Ellen and the rest of the culinary wunderkind.

Anyway, as the kitchen officially opened, Gordon asked if everyone was ready, but all he heard in return was a general silence punctuated with a quiet "Yes." Well, no one displays a lack of enthusiasm around the bad-boy of the kitchen! Gordon yelled at the group and demanded that they scream "YES CHEF!" when he addressed them. He then made them drop and give him fifty, which of course resulted in Dewberry wheezing himself into a coma on the floor. Oh, poor Dewberry. I shouldn't make fun of him, especially since I think he's my favorite. Sorry Dewbs. By the way, do you think he has a brother named Dingleberry? I really hope so.

Well, all that pushups stuff never happened, but the kitchen did devolve into chaos very quickly. Elsie faced a major roadblock when her risotto expressed apprehension about leaving the plate. Literally. Gordon angrily dangled the dish from his fingers, and despite the ninety degree angle, that damn risotto would not come off. Elsie later said, "I suppose melted plastic was NOT in the recipe."

Meanwhile, in the dining room, patrons were becoming increasingly irate (and hungry) as they waited upwards of an hour for their appetizers. One perky table of middle-aged blondes decided they would take matters into their own hands. No, they didn't call upon anorexia resources from their youth. Instead they waltzed up to the kitchen and tried to flag down Gordon Ramsey. Always a people person, he received his diners with the utmost of poise and charm: "Can you shut the f--k up for just thirty seconds!" he snapped at the women. Okay, maybe his style is a bit untraditional -- and by untraditional, I mean rude and insane -- but hey, it was good TV! Of course, had this been Rocco DiSpirito, he would have already ushered the women off to his apartment for a quick ménage-à-chef. Instead, Gordon simply engaged in a good old-fashioned cat fight as he labeled the women "bimbos." Back at their table, the women roiled in anger, declaring, "It's so unpolite!" (For the record, "unpolite" can join "irregardless" as one of the most over-used non-words EVER).

"I haven't eaten more than celery and tap water for three weeks. If Gordon Ramsey thinks he can get in the way of my meal, he has another thing coming!"

In the kitchen, Gordon continued to go absolutely nuts with his protégés. When a plate of salmon came out overcooked, he shoved it into Chris's stomach (by the way, if any homeless people are watching this show, just try not to think about all the food that Gordon has wasted). Later, we learned of Gordon's mildly OCD policy that if one dish in an order is wrong, the ENTIRE order must be trashed and re-cooked. I guess the logic behind that is... uh... wasting food is fun? Okay, to be fair, I understand that dishes all need to be ready at the same time, lest one be cold by the time a later dish is ready. Anyway, Gordon reamed one of the chefs, saying that if he put out the food they were cooking, people would think "I'm the biggest asshole in America!" Um, telling patrons to "shut the f--k up" doesn't help either. Man, it's almost like he's the Simon Cowell of the kitchen. Oh wait, did Fox already mention that about FORTY-FIVE TIMES AN HOUR FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS???

As the evening crept along, Gordon seethed at Andy but later commented, "It's not personal." Ah. So clearly Gordon won't be upset when I call him a huge douchebag because hey, it's nothing personal, and if you say that, well, then it's your own damn fault if you take it personally! By the way, I actually don't think Gordon's a douchebag -- just a bit of a dick. I reserve douchebag honors for Rocco DiSpirito, a chef so douchebaggy, an INTERN anointed him "Captain Douchebag" last season. Ah, how I pine for The Restaurant and its staff of yenta waitresses.

Of course, Gordon did have his moments of kindness. Okay, moment (singular). He complimented Elsie for turning her risotto around and serving up some fine dishes. Good for her, although, to be fair, it's not hard to improve when you start out with some sort of waxen super-glue concoction.

Elsewhere, bumbling chef Jimmy managed to spill a tray of hot oil on his hand, causing a rack of lamb to go tumbling down to the floor below. And with it, the blondes' chances of getting any sort of meal that evening as their entire order was sent back to the drawing board. Chicken parmesan maven Carolann meanwhile squandered all of Gordon's good will as she literally stood around and watched everyone else work. In an interview, she explained that everyone was asking her to do things. "I wish I were superwoman." Yes, then she could stand around AND stare through walls. SWEET.

Back at the blondie table, the flaxen foursome was hungry, snippy, and out for vengeance. They returned to the kitchen where they tried to explain how offended they were by Gordon's potty-mouth. In response, the hothead chef called over Jean Philippe and requested, "Can you escort these two ladies please back to plastic surgery." Oh SNAP! Whitey just called you out, bitch! You got SERVED! Well, not served like food, but, well, you know.

Unsurprisingly, the women all left the restaurant (along with several other discontented diners), which meant Mr. Ramsey had to redirect his zingers back on his kitchen staff. Without fail, he fired up a funny one, calling Dewberry "one big overgrown muffin!" What is he? A blueberry? A muffin? A blueberry muffin? Either way, he sounds DELICIOUS! (That was my Rip Taylor impersonation -- try to imagine confetti falling on your head now).

Finally, after enough antics, Gordon decided to simply shut down the kitchen, lest he become more disgusted by the terrible food slowly creeping out to the tables. Jean Philippe politely (or "un-unpolitely" as the blondes would say) ushered the remaining diners out, and hopefully provided them with a food voucher for McDonalds or something. Once the restaurant had been emptied, Gordon gathered the teams around and evaluated them. Basically, he thought Red and Blue did terrible jobs in the kitchen. Ralph, however, was a big hit in the restaurant and Elsie showed the most promise with her life-changing risotto journey. Ultimately, Gordon declared Elsie's team the victor due to her performance [check that: they were the losers, despite her performance -- thanks Ashes], and since she was the strongest member, it was then her responsibility to nominate two people from her team to face Gordon, who would then fire one of them. Make sense? Good.

At this point, the show became a mini Big Brother as stagnant, hidden cameras captured the chefs lounging around a courtyard, shooting the shit. Carolann made a minor effort to get in Elsie's good graces by saying "You really did kick ass. You really did kick ass. You really did kick ass," over and over again in a weird, monotone voice. Can someone give Carolann a little shove? I think her CPU is stuck. (If Julie Chen and chicken parmesan had a lovechild, it would be Carolann).

More aggressive with his efforts to stay in the competition was Dewberry who clocked in some valuable one-on-one time with Elsie. We really didn't get to see much of their babbling, but what was important was that Elsie stood up, slapped him five, and said he wasn't going to be going anywhere.

Of course, two minutes later, when it came time to nominate, Elsie pulled a classic reality star "Whaaaa?" move by nominating Carolann and... Dewberry! But what about the little high five? I don't get it! Well, I'm sure we'll be hearing more about this next week since Gordon ultimately fired Carolann for being too lazy in the kitchen. Her exit was steeped in typical over-dramatic histrionics as she sashayed out in slow-motion. Gordon then topped off the moment by slamming down her chef coat on a nearby hook. Take THAT, coat!!!

Next week, it looks like Gordon gets rid of the air conditioning in the kitchen, thus providing the unholy union of Bikram Yoga and haute cuisine. Not sure if all that sweat is a good thing.

What do you think? Was Gordon too over-the-top? Does this show have potential?

Final Season of Six Feet Under = More Free Stuff from TVgasm

Next week marks the beginning of the final season of HBO's Six Feet under. While some say that the show is full of irony and "dark, situational comedy," I like to refer to it as a high budget prime-time soap opera that gets great ratings and many accolades because it's on HBO. The show is well-written and well-acted, but I just never got into it. That being said, I can understand why people watch it and enjoy it, unlike, say, The West Wing. The final season of Six Feet Under begins Monday, June 6th at 9PM EST. HBO will likely replay the entire series at some point in the future, but until then, you can get the series on DVD at Amazon.com.

TVgasm is also pleased to announce another giveaway. We'll be selecting a person to win the upcoming Six Feet Under Soundtrack: Volume 2: "Everything Ends" (includes songs by Interpol, Death Cab for Cutie, Sia, and Radio Head). To enter, send an e-mail to contests@tvgasm.com with the subject "Six Feet Under." Entries will be accepted until June 6th. Again, you aren't going to be added onto any mailing list or anything, and we don't share your name with anybody else.

Love Is In The Heir

Jokes have been made that the self-love of Heiress Paris Hilton could never span beyond her own reflection.

But that’s just the jokes. The truth is, after years of it just being Paris in love with Paris, Paris finally found someone else to love, and that man was (heir) Paris. For five months Paris and Paris dated and could be seen kissing one another in displays of awkward passion. So now Paris has learned to love more than just Paris by falling in love with Paris up to and including the inevitable, Paris proposed to Paris and Paris finally got to say "I am so in love with you Paris," Paris then looked away from her MAC compact mirror and looked up at Paris and said "Yes Paris, I will marry you." And the heavens crashed in. The couple then celebrated with a carwash for two.

Videotape will, no doubt, be available soon.

Other Considered Headline
Heiress Paris Pairs With Heir

Clark Kent Gets a Diploma

So, it's been a couple of weeks since I have posted on Smallville, and the season finale is now over a week old as well. I was hoping to get full recaps of both episodes done, but in the interest of time and having a life during the Memorial Day weekend, I decided I am going to do a little bit of consolidation. The only really important episode was the last episode, and I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised with the outcome. For me, Smallville has had some of the best cliffhangers of any series on television, and after all the random twists this season has thrown at us, it was nice to finish off with a strong episode that left us with some anticipation for what is to come.

So anyway, about the episode from last week. It featured yet another high school kid with super powers. This time, it was the school photographer who didn't get into a good school and wanted to live his glory days of high school forever. Therefore, he used his ability to freeze people alive to convince his dad to build a replica of the school which he used to keep some of the senior superlative winners cooped up for eternity. Unfortunately for him, he trapped Chloe and Lana, meaning Clark would be on the scene to save the day. Clark did save the day, and the kid died, leaving everybody to graduate. Well, everybody except the girl who was smashed into a few thousand pieces while she was frozen. Some people just never get a lucky break. Ha ha, I kill me.

The real news from last week was with Genevieve and Jason. Genevieve captured Lionel and Lex and took them out to some cabin in the middle of the woods. She was positive that Lionel was hiding information from her, so she threatened torture on Lex to get him to talk. What was the information she wanted? Well, a little location of an artifact or two would have helped. Lionel sat mum while Lex was jabbed with a hot poker a couple of times, but finally talked when Jason was about to stab Lex in the eye. The artifact from China was left with Lana.

While Genevieve and Jason discussed their nefarious plans, the Luthors escaped. As they left the cabin, Jason saw them, and a chase through the woods ensued. In all of the mayhem that followed Jason ended up being shot by the side of a gorge and falling a few hundred feet into the river below.

So, now that we got that out of the way, the finale started with Genevieve visiting Lana. She goes right out and says that she wants the third stone. Lana tries to play coy, but Genevieve has a gun. Lana is able to knock it away, and a cat fight takes place. I am sad to say that this cat fight really did nothing for me, but I can't tell if it's because I am more mature or just not that thrilled to see Jane Seymour in a cat fight. It looks like Lana is about to bite it, but she is once again possessed by the spirit of the Countess Thoreau, which gives her some magic, but more importantly it gives her witch strength. You would be surprised at how well you learn to defend yourself when entire villages are threatening to burn you at the stake.

With her newfound ability, Lana overpowers Genevieve and uses the Chinese artifact to stab her to death. This breaks some sort of spell, and Lana's tattoo vanishes, and the spirit of her ancestor leaves her. Just as she is doing the obligatory "oh there's blood on my hands! what have I done?!" type thing, Lex walks in. He offers to look after Lana for her own safety. Once at the mansion, he convinces her not to go to the police, and says that he has hired one of the premier defense attorneys to represent her.

Lana has legal troubles, but Clark has some problems of his own, namely that he has dreamed that some catastrophe is about to hit Smallville. That event is a meteor shower (although on television, it started out a little like a strange aurora borealis), and he wakes everybody up in the house when he continually shouts "it's coming!" over and over again in his sleep. His parents wake him up, and tell him it is a bad dream, but he can't help but think there is some sort of impending doom about to befall the town, and of course he blames himself.

But before we can deal with the potential end of the world, we have to get through some of the more mundane events in our lives, like graduation. Smallville graduation was like any other sort of graduation, but I was left wondering where in the hell of the people were. The population of Smallville is supposed to be about 45,000 people, which would leave at least one good-sized high school, but it looked like there were about 50 graduates and perhaps even fewer people watching. So maybe they couldn't have pulled it off with thousands of people in attendance, but if they were able to fill the football stands, they should have been able to get people to sit in on graduation.

Graduation was running smoothly, but then Chloe and Clark noticed that Lana wasn't there, and they figured something must be wrong, and just when Clark was getting his diploma, the National Guard rolled into town, saying that a meteor shower was headed for Smallville, and there were only a few hours left to evacuate. Everybody likes to end their high school careers with something memorable, but usually people think along the lines of having sex in the principal's office or the middle of the football field and not annihilation of the town. For some reason, Chloe is very excited about the whole thing, and observes that two meteor showers in 16 years is not a coincidence and there must be some sort of alien presence in Smallville that keeps attracting all of the strange events. Wow Chloe, it only took you four years of high school to figure that out? With that kind of attention to detail, you are well on your way to a cushy job in local government.

Chloe was being quite obvious, but she was correct, and after Clark's vision, he is positive that he has something to do with the meteor shower. He decides to go to the caves and see if it gives him any clues. Once there, he once again talks with his father, Jor-el, who confirms the worst. Clark is the cause of the meteor storm because he denied his legacy. He was supposed to bring the three stones together, because man was never supposed to know of the infinite wisdom they held. By not bringing the stones together, he let one of them be stained (in this case, with the blood of Genevieve Teague). And if that wasn't enough to weigh on Clark's mind, Jor-El said that he must unite the stones, or mankind is finished. But no, it didn't stop there. This was not any normal meteor shower - it had the power to destroy Clark as well. Of course you can't forget that he also had to find some way to save Lana as well.

Now that he knows that Smallville's problems are all his, he has to tell his parents. They still want to believe that this whole thing is some sort of coincidence, and they tell Clark that he must start packing only essential items so they can get out of there quickly. Now it may be just me, but how in the hell do people go back to their homes in order to pack? Quite obviously, there are items that you want to keep, and there are items that are irreplaceable, but at what cost? What if the scientist who gave you the 3 hour warning was off by a little bit? As long as you didn't stuff your money in some mattress, you get your ass out of Dodge as quickly as possible, if for nothing else than to beat the rush.

I think they were kind of expecting it, but when Clark told them that he wasn't going to be able to leave because he had to save the world, they were stunned. Jor-el hasn't always given Clark the best advice, and since he had no clue where the last two stones were, there was very little chance he would be able to do anything. Martha knew that if this meteor shower had kryptonite, Clark may be as good as dead. At the same time, both of them knew that Clark was the only one who could do what has been asked. He made life and death decisions all of his life, and this was just one more that he was going to have to make.

Clark received some luck on his search for the stones. When he went to check the barn, he saw Lana. She was short on details, but gave him the stone from China. He sees it is covered with blood, and is kind of searching for an explanation. Lana says that there were many times that Clark asked her to trust him without giving an explanation, and this time, she was going to ask the same of him. For four years, there has always been a sense of destiny about these two getting together, and this was one of the strongest obstacles yet challenging that notion. They tell each other "I love you," share a kiss, and leave, hoping that they will still get a chance to see each other after all of the craziness is done.

Clark heads to the cave, and his parents are finally getting their asses out of town. They are just about to turn onto the road when another car gets in front of them. Jonathan slams on the brakes to see what kind of idiot is trying to keep him from getting out of town. That idiot turns out to be Jason. That Jason. The one we thought was shot and dead, was apparently only shot and kind of beat up. He looked like shit, as if he had just come out of a scene from Deliverance (although slightly better than those people in that movie High Tension - check the sidebar for a link to some clips), and like I said before, had somehow found a shotgun between his little dip in the river and his way to the Kent's. He's looking for Lana, and he thinks that Clark is going to have some answers.

If Jason is looking for Lana, he should have been looking for Lex. Now considering Lionel tried to kill him, you could understand why Jason would be apprehensive about the Luthor mansion, but thats where Lana was. Lex promised to protect her, and he was even kind enough not to take the artifact away from her when he helped her after she killed Genevieve. Lana felt very lucky that nothing happened, and decided that she must give it to somebody who she knows would keep it safe, hence the reason she gave it to Clark. That ended up being a smart move, as Lionel decided he was going to blackmail Lex to get to Lana and the stone.

Lex has always had a weakness with Lana and always wants to protect her. He hired a lawyer to keep Genevieve's death out of the news, but Lionel got to the scene of the crime and threatened to deliver Genevieve's body (with plenty of Lana DNA on it) to the sheriff. He desperately tries to get Lana to give him the artifact, but there isn't much time to be too demanding, because the meteor shower is coming, and the helicopter to take them to Metropolis is going to be leaving soon. Earlier, Lex offered safe passage out of Smallville to the Kents on his plane, and I had thought that strange. The last thing you want to do during a meteor shower is have to dodge projectiles in the air. At least on the ground, you can find a bomb shelter or something. If you are 30,000 feet in the air and something happens, you are kind of screwed. I would take my chances in the Luthor mansion.

Before he can evacuate Lana, Lex is called away to talk to his father. Lionel once again demands the stone, and I have to wonder where exactly he placed Genevieve's body. With the meteors about to do some serious damage, there is going to be a lot less evidence on which to convict Lana should she go to trial. In other words, his leverage is rapidly diminishing. I would also like to know where her body is because if Lionel thinks that it is so safe that he is going to keep her body as blackmail, that is probably a safe enough place to make it through a natural disaster.

Clark has made it to the cave and although there isn't much time to find the third stone, nothing can be hurt by placing the second stone in his place. He does exactly that, and it sort of lights up. When Clark was first learning about the stones at the beginning of the season, he was drawn to each piece by a high-pitched noise. The same thing happens, as if the two pieces that are now together are calling for the third piece to come home, like some kind of anthropological Homeward Bound.

Although he denied it earlier, Lionel had the third piece. It was the transference piece that he had when he switched Clark. He always maintained that he wasn't interested in the stones during his time out of jail, but in fact, he always kept one of the pieces as close to him as possible. That piece now started to flash. Lionel collapsed, apparently of a heart attack (those stones are not good for the myocardium - ask Jonathan Kent). Lex sees that his dad collapsed, and has him taken upstairs, almost sure that he is dead. We don't know if Lionel can hear him, but Lex tells him "You created the son that you always wanted." We can't be sure what that means, but it's probably no good. Lex finds the third stone and puts it in safe for - well, safe keeping.

Lionel takes his father upstairs and then escorts Lana to the helicopter. He once again pleads for her to give him the stone, but there is no time. The helicopter must leave, but Lionel stays behind. During the time Lionel was gone, Clark made it to the Luthor mansion. The third stone was still emitting that high-pitched sound. The stone was in the safe, but Clark tossed the door aside like it was nothing. Lex had not managed to bring together any of the stones, but he did manage to bring back the Kryptonite masks that were protecting each piece. Clark was able to grab a piece, but was so weakened by the kryptonite that he passed out.

It looked like Lex was going to find him in that condition, but Chloe came in at the last minute to drag him far enough away from the Kryptonite to let him regain his strength. Why was Chloe there? During her evacuation, she received a call from Lana saying she was OK. Chloe and Lois decided to head back and look for her at the mansion, which just happened to be right along the evacuation route. Lois helped her distract the guards (I love it when she is in those jeans - the pajamas don't do anything for her), and Chloe made it to the mansion. Clark slipped away just as Lex made it into the room. Lex didn't know what was going on, but his safe was a shambles, the stone was gone, and Chloe was the only one there. He wanted answers, and he had no clue what they were, but he knew that they had something to do with the caves.

It was about this time that shit started falling out of the sky. As with most meteor showers, it spared nothing. People, houses, cars, even children. Smallville usually avoids the over-dramatic and cheesy, but they just couldn't help it this time. As the meteors fell, people got out of the cars and started running. I am not sure how they picked a direction, it wasn't like running away from a lava flow or a flood - the meteors were falling all around them. Anyway, one small boy was running the opposite direction, and his father was chasing after him. This small boy was unaware of the danger, and just stared into the path of on oncoming meteor. For a minute, I thought Smallville had taken a turn for the grim, but Clark swooped in just in time to save the boy. It was a very nice cheesy homage to some of the many scenes we saw like that in the Superman movies.

During all this time, Jason was still fighting with the Kents. Jonathan and Martha were trying to talk some sense into him. They had manged to knock the gun out of his hands, but with Jonathan being tied up, they were unable to overpower Jason, even though it looked like he had lost about 50% of his blood. Just as he was about to lay some shells into their chests, a meteor hit the Kent farmhouse, and then they cut away. Lana spent this same time period in the helicopter, with the pilot trying to dodge a lot of stuff that was in the air. It was only a matter of time before something hit them, and when a piece did hit the helicopter, it went down, sending Lana and the pilot into a crash.

Clark made it to the cave, with Lex and Chloe right behind. Lex was still convinced Chloe was trying to hide something, and to her credit, she didn't let it out that she knew what was going on. She knew Clark was involved, but beyond that she only knew that she had to do everything she can to prevent Lex from knowing the secret. He was just about to investigate what was going on behind the false wall in the cave when Chloe knocked him into the side, preventing him from the view, but giving her a nice little show.

When Clark placed the third and final stone into the space in the cave, it transformed into a crystal. When Clark touched it, he was transported out of there with a flash of light. He arrived somewhere in the Arctic. Instinct told him to throw the crystal in the air to see what happens, and that's exactly what he did.

In Smallville, the meteor shower had ended, but the wreckage was severe. Lois climbed a hill to see the town (or was it her father's base?) destroyed and in flames. More miraculously, Lana survived the crash, pulled herself out (with a severe leg injury), and looked into the crater of one of the meteors. In that crater was a spaceship, much larger than the one Clark came in (although she obviously had no way of knowing) and all black. As she is staring at it, we see a light across her face, indicating that somebody, or something opened the spaceship and was coming out.

So, I thought this was a very exciting finale. Some cheeseball moments, but it does set us up for a lot of interesting things to happen next year. At the start of the season, I thought the stones would be a nice plot device to take us through the season, but it really was only used every now and then to lead up to the finale. If the stones were the main theme of the season, they could have finished in six episodes. Still, we need to know what happened to Jason and the Kents, Chloe and Lex, Lionel, and the town in general. We kind of know what Clark needs to do in the Arctic, but that spaceship throws us for another little bit of a loop. I am going to be very interested in next season, something I couldn't really say just a month ago.

That being said, Smallville has been moved to Thursdays at 8PM, meaning there is a huge logjam on the TVgasm Tivo. I guess I can tape it, or maybe I'll get another Tivo. That way, people won't come over and laugh if they see a season pass for those Matlock, Magnum PI, and Buffy reruns. Whatever I decide to do, I've got another four months to decide, as well as plenty of questions and anticipation.

What did you think of the finale?

So You Still Won't Get a Tivo

Recently, I was alerted in an e-mail about a new website about to launch called MeeVee.com. We don't often plug products or websites on TVgasm (and we are not getting paid to mention MeeVee in this post), but it looked like an interesting concept, so I thought I would let some of our readers take a look at MeeVee.com, a website that promises to help you "find something to watch." Sort of like a Tivo-esque programming guide you can access from the web. My thoughts after a quick look through the service (along with a password you can use to look at it yourself until the site goes live tomorrow) is after the jump.

For those of you who don't have a Tivo, Replay TV, or some other PVR (personal video recorder), they feature many great technologies like the ability to pause and rewind live TV, as well as provide a way to record your favorite shows without having to worry about a bunch of videotapes. These devices also allow you to automatically record your favorite shows so you don't miss a new epsode. Perhaps the greatest feature though is that they help you search for programs based on a number of criteria including name, genre, director, etc.

It's this search function where MeeVee really shines. While your PVR allows you to search by name, channel, or time, it is not as easy to search for a specific actor, director, producer, etc. It is possible, but the search isn't as convenient. With MeeVee you can search for your favorite actor or actress, but you don't have to worry as much about misspelling a name, because MeeVee will suggest something similar, sort of like Google. Another big advantage of MeeVee is that you can give star ratings for not only specific programs, like most PVRs do now, but also for actors, directors, and producers, so it can more accurately build recommendations based on what you think is good.

Like most other guides, MeeVee allows you to select your location, your television service provider (broadcast, cable, DirecTV, etc), and customize the channels you see on your guide. Much like a PVR, MeeVee can also set reminders for your favorite programs, whether it be just one instance, every new episode, or every episode it can find on any channel, including repeats.

The big downside to MeeVee is that it still requires you to either sit in front of the TV to watch the program as it airs, or set it to record yourself on either VCR or PVR. With no connection to any of your recording equipment (or even a TV tuner in your computer), it still leaves a lot of room for error. Yes, you can print out a daily or weekly "planner" with the times of your favorite shows, but it is simply not as easy pressing a button on your Tivo. Still, searching for names and times is much faster using your keyboard, and if you haven't shelled out for a PVR (which includes the vast majority of people out there), it is a good alternative.

To try MeeVee for yourself, go to meevee.com using the name "meeveebeta" and the password "beta1". (You won't need a password starting May 31st.) You'll notice that there are no affiliate codes in there or anything; we don't get paid for every person who signs up or anything like that. TVgasm just wants to help our readers enjoy TV as much as possible. I can't say if I'll be using MeeVee after the novelty wears off, but until then, it's worth a try.

Battle of the Easy Riders

I would like to know: is anybody out there really rooting for the Bad Asses over the Good Guys in the Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Inferno 2? I know, I know. There are some people out there who like the bad boy attitudes that CT, Derrick, and Abram bring to the table, but how much of that juvenile charm does it take to overcome the collective abomination represented by Tina, Rachel, and Veronica? All of my frustration with those three is compounded by the fact that the Good Guys have not won an Inferno yet, which means that none of the Bad Asses have been eliminated. Even worse, it means that the already inflated egos of the Bad Asses are being fed to absolutely astronomical proportions. This week, the Good Guys get another shot at the Bad Asses when Julie is scheduled to go against Tonya.

Last week, I was sort of disappointed. The Bad Asses had to make their nominations first, and they chose Julie. It is well known that Julie hates Veronica, and so I thought she would change names at the last minute, which, for the last time, DOES NOT BREAK ANY RULES, and choose Veronica. Rachel made a heartfelt (and by heartfelt, I mean completely shallow and self-serving) plea for the Good Guys to play fair which might have affected the decision to stick with the vote and send Tonya in.

For her part, Julie says that it is going to be hard to get motivated to beat Tonya. In her mind a battle against Veronica would be a battle against evil. Tonya, on the other hand, is really sort of a victim, at least in this game. She is not enough of a lesbian to enter the Tina, Veronica, and Rachel clique (and to be clear, when I say that, I am not trying to say that lesbians are bitches, but that these three bitches just happen to be lesbians) and for that reason, Tonya is the enemy of pretty much everybody on her team except for Dan. Recently, Tina, Rachel, and Veronica have tried to be a little nicer to Tonya, in hopes that they don't piss her off so much she sabotages the team, but Tonya is not falling for it so far. She hates the other three girls, but I am sure she doesn't want to sacrifice her chances at winning money either, so she plays along in their little game.

The competition this week is called "Time to Ride." Each person has to get on a Kicker 5150 mini-hog and choose one of two courses to complete, both of them going across the water. The short course is only 45 feet long in a straight line, but your path to the finish is only 16 inches wide. The long route is 240 feet long with many turns, but is also four feet wide, meaning it will be much easier to stay on. The winning team is the one with the shortest cumulative time, and a player is disqualified if they wreck the bike, go in the water, or don't keep their feet on the pegs.

No game is good without some Miz antics, and when he sees that this game involves motorcycles, diminutive as they may be, he announces that he has some face paint and is going to paint himself a handlebar mustache and a goatee. In reality, there was no goatee, and it wasn't a handlebar 'stache because he connected it to the sideburns. I would more likely call it a sidewinder or "friendly chops" (not to be confused with mutton chops). I am also pretty sure that he didn't just happen to bring face paint and it was more than likely either the producers egged him on or he asked the makeup people for some help, but whatever the motivation was, it looked a lot less like Dennis Hopper in Easy Rider and a lot more like something you would see on a poster outside of the Tomkat theater. Landon, who Mike was calling "Rex," slapped some painted mutton chops on as well.

The short route didn't look that hard, and with Abram up first, the Bad Asses were looking to show off some more dominance. Abram was sure that he only needed to get up to speed and it would be a straight shot across the short route. Well, Abram got about two feet before he tipped over and into the water. In the previews for this episode, I saw that clip of him falling in the water, and it was the funniest thing imaginable. This time, it wasn't quite as humorous. I mean, it was funny, but seeing it in full context just didn't send me rolling like I thought it would.

Anyway, Abram's failure opened a lot of eyes. This game was not going to be so easy, and it was going to be a battle of times on the long course, because nobody was really going to have the balls to try the short route again. The Good Guys were stoked because they would only have to stay on the course to win because of Abram's DQ. Unfortunately for them, that didn't prove so easy. When Mike made his run, he made it to the end on the long course, but failed to stop his bike before it went into the water at the final platform. Even though he finished the course, falling off at the end was another DQ, and so both teams were tied.

Riding those bikes proved a difficult task for almost everybody. Mike is a big guy, so it might be hard for him to maneuver, but even the smaller people had trouble. Tina mentioned that she thought she would have an easier time on the course being a smaller person. I am not sure how Tina considers herself a smaller person, maybe she works on the set of Fat Actress or something. Most people took the course slow, and there were plenty of disqualifications including Shavonda (feet off the bike), Jamie (face first into water), and Rachel (fell into water and also had the honor of falling off faster than anybody else on the long course).

With the disqualifications even, the Good Guys needed a good time from Julie to pull off a win, but Julie wanted to win the life shield, so she was headed for the short route. She believed that the path to God was straight and narrow, so it must have been some sign for her to take the short route. Her teammates were screaming at her to go the long way, but she wanted the lifeshield, so she didn't listen to their shouts. She went no farther than Abram, and also fell into the water, basically guaranteeing another win for the Bad Asses.

The only suspense after Julie's fall would be to see who would win the life shield for the Bad Asses. Tonya went last, and although it looked like she wasn't one of the fastest people on the course, she completed it in only 59 seconds. Unfortunately for her, that was 2 seconds slower than Derrick, meaning she would still be in the Inferno with Julie. The Bad Asses did end up winning, placing their bank at $70,000 compared to $50,000 for the Good Guys.

I was looking forward to this Inferno. Sure, it wasn't going to be Abram vs. Brandon [that should be Brad, thanks GNARKILL], but both Julie and Tonya have a little bit of a crazy streak in them, so throwing the two of them into the Inferno would be good. As luck would have it, the Inferno event, called "Patch Work," was basically a cat-fight simulation. The girls would don jumpsuits, each with 27 patches on them (which looked less like patches and more like condom packets), and they would each try and grab as many of the patches off the other as possible and place them in a basket. The person with the most patches in their basket after the time expired would win, and to add a little more difficulty, they would be suspended by wires, so they couldn't just slam each other on the ground and start pulling, although just describing that does have a certain allure.

Tonya was really stoked when she heard she was going to get to rip shit off of Julie, and both girls were really getting into the competition. The Infernos have slowly been a little more head-to-head, physical battles instead of simply side-by-side events, so this was fun to see. If I was drunk and stoned, it might have reminded me of some sort of low budget Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, if the movie had taken place at a state fair and was performed by people with epilepsy. As the patches were counted, it was very close: 23-22, and Julie was sent home. I am not so sure it was that close; the producers probably asked Dave Mirra to keep the real winner a secret, but make the score close for the excitement of the people at home. Whatever it was, Julie had to leave. Another tearful exit for the Good Guys, and another ego-boost for the Bad Asses.

It was nice to see Tonya win because most of her teammates didn't really care if she lost, but it is starting to get ridiculous with the Good Guys. In the end, the only thing that really matters is the final competition. The Bad Asses could have twice as much money in their bank and twice as many people on their team, but it will be for nothing if they can't pull it off in the end. Increasingly, this is what I pin my hopes on. However, this season is so enjoyable, even a Bad Asses win in the end isn't going to take that much away from the season.

What do you think? Who are you rooting for? What is the most annoying thing about the lesbian clique (does anybody believe Tina is a future MILF?)? Can the Miz rally the troops?

Goodbye Janice, Hello Twiggy

America's Next Top Model is now casting for its fifth season, but the girls chosen to be in the finals will be dealing with some new faces on the judging panel when the show airs. E! Online was among the first to report that Janice Dickinson is leaving the show. Her decision comes as everybody anticipates the release of her new book (don't laugh all at once!) and her appearance on the next installment of The Surreal Life.

Janice was generally the harshest critic when it came time to see which model was to be eliminated. She was never one to shy away from making people cry, and loved to let her personality go on display (as well as her nipples sometimes). She will be replaced by Twiggy Lawson, perhaps the most famous supermodel of the 60s (if not the first, as Janice claims to be) and our favorite (wo)man, J. Alexander.

As most things in Hollywood, it probably didn't end as mutually as people would like for us to believe, but the rest of the judges still have a good dynamic, and her departure isn't going to take away from the show. Still, there are some things that Janice brought that are going to be hard to replace, like the making out with Tyra in the middle of a show. If you don't remember, we have the full clip after the jump.

Click on the two lovebirds to play

Ground Control To Major Tom

When our friend at Access Hollywood told us to Tivo tonight's special half-hour dedicated to Tom Cruise, we knew something had to be up. After all, we were still reeling from his loopy, "I swear I'm in love!" performance on Oprah where he became daytime television's reigning couch-surfer. Well, we weren't disappointed. The Billy Bush exposé revealed that Tom might be nuttier than we ever thought. He rebuked psychiatry, saying there was no science behind it, and when asked about people who've sworn they've been helped by therapy (people including Brooke Shields), a disdainful Tom simply replied "Look at their lives." Yes, all those pitiful people who don't have fifteen blockbusters to their name. FOR SHAME, heathen non-superstars! How you have relied on your elixirs and so-called brain sciences to cure your problems!

Anyway, enjoy this very brief montage of Tommy boy on Access Hollywood, and be sure to watch how in the first clip Cruise switches from jovial laughter to extreme intensity on the turn of the dime.

Click on Tom Cruise to play...

Band of Brothers Meets Deadwood on Basic Cable

Did you ever wish that somebody would make a modern western without all of the distracting swearing of Deadwood? Are you intently waiting for a six part mini-series from Steven Spielberg without Tom Hanks getting in the way? Perhaps you have always been waiting for a story so epic, it brings together Gary Busey, Tom Berenger, Rachael Leigh Cook, and Keri Russell to tell it? OK, maybe not, but Into the West , a new, ahem, limited series, from Spielberg, Dreamworks Television, and TNT is looking to change the way people tell stories about the west. And even better, TVgasm is going to be giving away some swag.

More on the series and the contest after the jump.

At first glance, Into the West may seem like just another western, albeit one that features Judge Reinhold, but it is actually quite an ambitious attempt at storytelling; it looks to depict the expansion of the west as described from both pioneer and Native American points of view. Making a historical epic that is accurate, that represents two sides of one story, and tries to be entertaining is difficult, and Into the West features six episodes with six different directors, four different writers, and a large and varied cast to try and pull it off. The first episode airs Friday, June 10th at 8PM eastern and continues for six weeks. For more information, visit the official site.

So anyway, about that contest. TVgasm readers have a chance to win an Into the West prize package that includes: an autographed poster (signed by Rachael Leigh Cook, Keri Russell, Matthew Settle, Tonantzin Carmelo, and Skeet Ulrich), an official t-shirt, and an episode guide. The best part is that you don't have to sign up for any mailing list or anything. To enter, simply send an e-mail to contests@tvgasm.com with the subject "Into the West". We will collect submissions until June 10th, choose a winner, and send them the prize package. That's about as hassle-free as you can get.

Kiss This Season Goodbye

While Youcantmakeitup toils away at her recap of tonight's American Idol finale, we just had to whet your appetite with a few choice sights and sounds. More fun after the jump...

Lindsey Cardinale emits one of the strangest noises ever uttered on Idol. Check it out here (the more you listen, the odder it gets). Of course, it's nothing compared to Constantine's famous wheeze of passion.

Kirstie Alley and Mikalah Gordon officially occupy the suckiest three square feet of the universe. Well, make that six square feet (sorry, Kirstie).

A disturbing preview of Constantine's "afterglow" face.

Matt Rogers: The long-lost gay Soprano?

Thank god for wide angles.

Carrie wins American Idol.......

...and immediately turns into a drag queen.

Nice Hatch, Jerks

Seriously, what's the deal with Lost? DISCUSS.

Paparazzi Idol

The best part about living in Hollywood is that the line between TVgasm and reality often blurs. For instance, today, as I headed to the gym, I found myself in ridiculous traffic. Surely this was just typical afternoon gridlock in Los Angeles, but no. The swarm of helicopters in the sky above me made me realize I had stumbled into something big. Something very big. I then looked to the left, and DUH, I was sitting right next to the Kodak Theatre, home of the American Idol finale. Conveniently, it was 4:25 pm -- about half an hour before showtime and just when the red carpet seemed to be at its peak. The downside though was that I didn't get to see any wayward stars (last night's show featured Roseanne Barr. Grrrrrowl!) Still, to prove my self-worth as a roving blogger, I snapped this thoroughly indistinct photo (see above) of the paparazzi AND a new Mustang. SWEET!

In Search of Cruise Control -- The Video

Click on Tom & Oprah to play...

Okay, so you've seen the Defamer stills and you've seen the various "Do Not Pet The Cruise" animations. Well, it's time for TVgasm to weigh in. Thanks to an avid TVgasm reader (and Oprah fan), we were able to catch the re-airing of Tom Cruise's crazy-in-love turn on daytime television. Check out the video here. Enjoy.

Update: Check out Tom's silliness on Access Hollywood here.

Time To Hit The Links

With the regular television season coming to an end, we know all you readers might be starving for content. So what better time to hawk some of new links on the TVgasm site.

If you're eager to find out what's next on the indie music scene (and I don't mean The Killers or The Bravery), check out Meeshie Music, a blog that will certainly put Josh Schwartz and his music coordinator for The OC to shame. If you want to have a little pop culture fun or simply reminisce on the early days of reality TV, check out VH1's Best Week Ever blog and the Fox Reality Channel site -- both of which proudly list TVgasm as a featured link (patting self on back, nodding to scattered applause).

And to prove that we're a site that welcomes all different viewpoints (as long as they're well-written), I present to you Mock Modesty and Rod 2.0. One boasts a "through-a-red-state-prism" perspective while the other provides the black gay male angle. Now everyone join hands and sing "Koombaya"...

Lastly, if you have drunk stories to share or simply want to read about other people's inebriated escapades (always a good time), check out Sorry I Got Drunk, a site co-authored by TVgasm contributor Spotdog. Needless to say, this is a blog I might need to contribute to once in a while.

Of course, I recommend visiting all the sites we have listed. Happy surfing!

Sleeping the Dream Alive

It’s here: The television event you’ve all been waiting for (for the 5th time now). The American Idol finale. Millions auditioned. But only two mediocre talents can be in the final. The drama of it all is not lost on Ryan Seacrest, who begins the show with a spotlight shining solely on him, bronzed like a baby shoe, just as small, and in similar unused condition (babies can’t walk.) This, according to Mr. See-and-be-Seacrest, will be the most “important night of [the finalist’s] lives.” Seems like you’re setting the “life bar” a little low there, huh Ryan?

The audience breaks out into wild applause, the familiar synthetic guitar is digitally strummed, and we breathe a sigh of relief. After 3,457 weeks of AI5, we’ve made it people! Bo Bice and Carrie Underwood will be battling it out for America’s votes, which will be determined by Simon’s erectoral college, and in 24 hours, we have our Idol.

As the numerous headlines across the country have already alerted you, tonight’s competition is ‘tween a rocker and a swooner, two words which remind me of my grandmother after she had her stroke. (Always swooning and rocking, she was.) Each contestant will sing 2 “original” songs (original being a loose term as each song is an amalgamation of VH1-circa-1994 trash), and 1 song from the previous weeks.

We flashback to last week’s coin toss, where ol’ slippery fingers (as Simon affectionately calls him) Ryan “tosses the coin” (please, stop me) in the air, only to miss catching it on the way down. Thankfully, AI set designers have a subway grate thoughtfully placed on the stage, where production assistants have no doubt been videotaping the female contestants from their copyrighted “Vag Cam.” The coin falls straight through, and what at first you think is some lame gimmick turns out to be just a lame error on Seacrest’s part. It’s a shame too: The coin they were using looked quite valuable, as it was a quarter with Bo and Carrie’s faces lazily glue sticked on either side. What, the Franklin Mint didn’t return your call guys??

Carrie wins the toss, and chooses to go second, which means that Bo will be starting us off tonight singing the original song “The Long Long Road.” He walks on the stage looking like the ghost of Mitch Hedberg (RIP). Tiny brown glasses that make his face all the more baby-blood-hungry. A linen tunic that cries out to be bathed. Flared jeans that need to personification, as they’re f--king flared jeans. I wish Bo would pull a K-Federline and clean his act up. No amount of body hair/odor can deny the man of his looks and charm. But, and I don’t know how to put this lightly, dress faggier! Women love guys who dress like fags.

Dear Lord. The Long Long Road is simply a nightmare, and something tells me Bo Knows Recycled Feces when he sings it. Mike stand being dipped like Ginger Rogers, Bo shakes his head so violently to produce a vibrato song that for a moment I confuse him for an autistic kid on Extreme Home Makeover. He strains himself so hard when he sings, that his neck looked straight up like a penis. Penisneck. Before you say anything, my roommate agreed with me wholeheartedly that his neck looked like a dick, and the chest-hair tuft giving us a “How’s Your Mother?” from his shirt didn’t help the image.

The judges pretty much gave him positive feedback. Randy criticized the quality of the song, but, hello, Bo obviously didn’t write it! What a stupid thing to say to him. Now, obviously we here at TVGasm realize that this is not a Bo original hit, but who knows what lesser life forms think when they hear that? Paula congratulates him: “I told you I’d see you in the finals!”, something no doubt said to him over candlelit dinner in Paula’s boudoir. As Bo leaves the stage, I fear I’ve caught a disease: For all of his faults, his smile is simply infectious. Penisneck.

And poor Carrie. She gets stuck with a song called “Inside Your Heaven”, and is so horribly off-key I wondered if she had learned it that very morning. The quality of her voice was still pretty OK, but out of the 20 or so notes she had to miss, she probably his 4 of them. She’s so bad, in fact, that in the middle of the ballad when the gospel singers were coming on stage, I seriously thought it was a producer coming out to remove her! Randy throws her this unusual curveball by telling her she was “pitchy.” I am sick of him using this term. Every time he says it, I picture his body turning red and him breaking through a brick wall, like only a pitcher of Kool-Aid could. And while I’ve had my conspiracies that the judges have been against Carrie (esp. against Bo), for some reason Simon tells her that Round 1 went to her. Meh, who knows?

For his next song, Bo sings “Vehicle.” Again, pretty typical performance, not bad at all, just not splodingly amazing. He certainly was working his body around the stage, circling like half-vulture, half-Timothy Leary. And while I must point out that the denim tunic he was wearing was straight off of QVC (denim tunic?!?!?!), I have to say, once he got his penisneck thing going, I got pretty into it. I was a little sorry he chose this song instead of “Spinning Wheel” (although no one will ever sing it better than Shirley Bassey).

One other item of mention is that Bo’s grandmother looks like a white Ray Charles. Simon says to Bo “Welcome back.”

You know what movie looks kind of funny? Madagascar. Anyone with me on this? I mean I don’t have children (yet, spit three times), and I loathe Disney fare, but I could almost see myself liking this.

Back from break, the camera pans down all of this year’s Top 12. We see that Anwar’s head is now sprouting freshly grown owl doodies. Mikalah is tanorexic. Jessica Sierra is pregnant (no sarcasm, she really is). And even as Ryan introduces Carrie’s next song, which will be Martina McBride’s “Independence Day”, even then, in the background on my television, is a 3 by 3 inch image of Constantine smirking.

Smell something funny? That's the smell of liquid sex appeal, ladies.

Carrie enters the stage, and to give the girl credit, I think she looks beautiful tonight. She starts her song, and while I don’t know it, I enjoy the performance. Every note was on key, she seemed happy and alive, bubbly. I wonder if she had some personality coaching, because she’s really improved throughout the season. The song seems to be about half as long as Bo’s number, not really sure what the rules are on timing. And while I think this is her best performance of the show, Simon gives Round 2 to Bo. It was a pretty even race between the two.

Next up is Bo’s rendition of “Inside Your Heaven”. I would make Bo take at least 3 blood tests before him and his neck got anywhere NEAR my Heaven (capital H, thank you – I’m a damn lady!). It’s his best outfit of the night, a linen blazer (see what happens when you up the faggy Bo?), and it’s clear that he nearly misses his cue to sing, as he did a small sprint to the mic in order to begin the song.

Bo sizes up his dinner. He'll suck the blood out of her baby brother for dessert. She looks thrilled.

The first couple of notes are horrible out of tune, but he eventually got it together for the most part. Now I know I’m gonna get a lot of shit for this, but this final really made me miss Clay Aiken. Do you remember that shit? As nasty as that guy is (lesson to Bo, there is such a thing as being too faggy), he had a voice that could make you cry. Remember how wild the audience would go? He lit the show on fire. These two performers are fine and good, but STAR??? I have trouble seeing it. Although I would take either of them over Fantasia, who confused me from Day 1.

In my opinion, Carrie sang the song way better than Bo, but it was hard to hear anything through the blood pouring out of my ear canals thanks to these horrrrrible original songs. Randy tells Bo that he’s “Forever in his dog pound.” See, right there, that’s the title to a great original song! Scowl. Paula I won’t even mention. Too painful. Simon tells Bo that it’s the first time he’s seen his nerves (penisneck), but that he still outsang Carrie on the song.

Carrie closes the night off by singing an original song called “Angels Brought Me Here.” Please, someone, find a ball and a handkerchief quickly, and gag me to death, I beg you. And at my funeral, please, I beg you, sing “Angels Brought Me Here.” I LOVE THIS SONG!!!

JKJKJKJKJKJKJK. Really. Kidding you. Hate the song. It’s like a LAMER version of “A Moment Like This”. Carrie decided to stand very still while this nightmare is being sung. She smiles an actual star smile. Her baby hands are not messing around, firmly placed on the mic, she’s sending it home. And, the cherry on the cake, she gets choked up at the end and nearly cries. Aww. I’m won over. As is Simon, who tells her that she may have just done enough to (read on stodgy British accent) “win this competition.”

To end of this unimpressive finale, we cut to one of my favorite things on the planet: A montage set to overly dramatic 80’s music. In this case, it is one of the BEST SONGS OF ALL TIME, Freiheit’s “Keeping the Dream Alive” (found on your local “Say Anything” soundtrack). This is one of my favorite songs to groom myself to. I highly recommend downloading it: a single listen will have your brain compiling its own montage of all the spectacular highs and lows you’ve accomplished in your life.

We see the outtakes. The tears. The 7-foor tall, black Will Ferrell in the purple t-shirt who can hold a note for 4 minutes. Bo with his hair shorter, Carrie’s curly. Two retarded guys slapping five. Then, more cuts, the goth girl, Mario Vazquez (hahaha!!! Remember him?), the phone number mishaps, the cuts, the cuts, the tears, the cuts. Whoever edited this montage deserves an Emmy: It was by far the highlight of the show. Why watch the whole season when the montage is so kick-ass and so short?

Brandy: Keepin' it classy and keepin' it freaky. But mostly just freaky.

So who will be this year’s American Idol? Personally, my vote is for Carrie, but it seems pretty clear that Bo has an intensely strong fan base. So I predict that Bo will be this year’s Idol. In the meantime, will this be Idol’s last season? Are there any asshole in America left who haven’t already auditioned for this show? So many questions. In the meantime, penisneck.

Nick, Jessica...One Day We'll Laugh About This....

Hey, remember that time that you guys were overworked and quite stressed about the strains of your already very public marriage, plus strippers and bachelor parties and alleged affairs with movie costars, and then after a year of fighting pregnancy, cheating and divorce speculation we published online that you guys actually filed for divorce on a specific day, at a specific time and place and even went so far as to provide your supposed reason for the divorce, and then we had to do an immediate retraction when it was brought to our attention that you guys can both read and hear and would eventually find out that we are printing bogus stories, and then you guys contacted USWEEKLY and told them that you would have sued the crap out of us had we not taken the post down, and then our lawyers advised us to feign a sincere apology on our website??

Yeah that was sooo funny, right? Good times. Hello? Nick? Jessica? Guys?

**Their channel sucks, their website sucks...sans Howard Stern, the E! Network is a punchline!**

comCAST YOUR VOTES FOR WORST SERVICE INTERRUPTION EVER

Apologies for the lack of the DONALD TRUMP UNAUTHORIZED live blogging. Last night I suffered a poorly constructed "Scheduled Maintenance" by my cable service provider, Comcast. From 7pm - 11:30 pm all my RePlayTV recorded was blue screen.

Hmmm. Scandalous tell-all TV movie about a powerful billionaire, and the cable company decides to do a SCHEDULED maintenance on a weeknight during sweeps month?? Nah, that doesn't reek of grassy knoll conspiracy.

Ay --- It's a Bump!

While your extended American Idol recap will be posted later today (and I expect a windfall of gratitude as I found the finale to be beyond boring -- and I had to watch it twice!), I wanted to start the day off with a little good news: Jessica Sierra is expecting a child!

After the jump, find out who the lucky father is!

You guessed it: Smoldertine Maroulis. Notice the body language, the hand placement, the look of deep and undiscovered yearning in the eyes of the Constant.

Have any idea as to what their baby will look like?? Feel free to Photoshop either of their heads on a baby's body, or get more creative than that: I'll post the best one's later today. You can e-mail your entries to youcantmakeitup@gmail.com. Good luck, and godspeed.

(And please remember: I have no evidence backing up this partnership. Just a feeling in my heart, that's all.)

So Much For My Happy Ending

I am happy to say that The OC finale this season was much better than I had expected. The show started to plod along and got really lost towards the middle, but came back in a strong way. I was actually disappointed that I was going to miss seeing the episode live, and would make everybody wait awhile for the final recap. (Then again, I would never miss a friend's wedding in Vegas - congrats to the new Mr. and Mrs. K, btw.) Before we finished the season, we still had to deal with Caleb's death, Kirsten's drinking, and Trey's sexual assault on Marissa, and perhaps fit in a couple more Star Wars plugs and indie band performances. A tall order, but we knew the producers were up to the task.

Although there was much praise for the finale, there were plenty of snark-worthy moments to keep us entertained. I was a little disappointed that they didn't manage to extend the drama of Caleb's death longer than they did, largely because it shortened any sorts of issues involving his divorce (huge potential). But as much work as there was to do with the funeral, Sandy had more important things on his mind. Kirsten had been drinking more and more through all of their problems this year, and Caleb's death only made things worse for her. Everybody was worried, including Seth.

While stumbling around looking for a cell phone charger, Seth goes into his dad's office. No, we are not talking about his office on the beach. Apparently, Sandy had an office in the house the whole time, which is interesting because I have never seen him with a laptop or anything, so I had no idea he took work home. Calling it an office is a stretch. Perhaps a study or "big room with desk and books and my diploma," but I don't think you can call it an office. Inside one of his dad's desk drawers Seth finds a pamphlet for a treatment center. Naturally, he searches out for Ryan so the old man may convey some wisdom to him.

Seth is a smart kid, or at least we are assuming he is a smart kid. If he was just a huge comic book geek and an idiot, life must have been really tough for him. Come to think of it, I have never seen him in any of Ryan's classes, and with Ryan taking all of those AP courses, maybe that means Seth really isn't that smart and all this time is expecting to make his money the old-fashioned way - inherit it. Anyway, Seth is a little confused and asks Ryan why his dad would have a pamphlet like that around. When Ryan states the obvious, that maybe it was Seth's mom that needed the treatment, Seth sort of stared in amazement, as if the thought that his mom may have been drinking too much never occurred to him.

Sandy was looking at a number of treatment centers. After he found the bottle last week, he knew his wife wasn't going to be able to do it alone. He visited a very nice treatment center and talked to who I presume was the head doctor there. Now, I am not familiar with drug treatment centers, but I do know that just because you are an MD doesn't necessarily mean you have to wear a lab coat, so I thought it sort of strange that this guy would walk around the treatment center wearing one. Sure, alcoholism is a medical issue, but people are usually treated with more group therapy and talking than lab tests and electroshock, or at least that's how it was when Dr. Carter had to be detoxed a few years back on er. Like any person going through this type of thing, Sandy came to the realization that getting outside help doesn't mean that you failed, but more like it was going to take more work and expertise to beat this than he had first expected. He wanted Kirsten to go, but was pretty sure "she's not going to come voluntarily."

Everybody else is preparing for the funeral. Although Julie was right on the verge of killing Caleb last week, she held back, and the two of them came to share an uneasy respect for each other. When she saw he collapsed in the pool, she really did try to save his life. Imagine my surprise when the biggest question on her mind the morning of the funeral is what she is going to wear that accessorizes her dress properly. God, Julie, it may be Newport but "it's a funeral, not a fashion show," which is exactly what Marissa had to say. Sure, in many ways it was a huge relief that he died, but at least wait until he is in the ground to celebrate.

With any funeral, there is a good reason to come back with any actors who may have left during the season for some reason or another. In that respect, we are not surprised to see that Jimmy Cooper and Haley Nichol are back for some action. If there was any reason for a little cameo appearance from Kaitlin, this would have been it, but I guess her boarding school has no bereavement policy. We did get a reason for why Haley didn't come back when her father was sick in the hospital, so I will give them points for remembering to clear that up.

The funeral seemed OK, but was kind of short. Sandy eulogized Caleb, and Haley said a prayer. Kirsten hid behind her Fendi glasses and Julie managed to not shout "Yes!" after she heard "May he rest in peace." In fact, other than the super-annoying music they were playing in the background, the funeral went off without much of a hitch. I am actually surprised that as many people showed up as they did, because it didn't seem like Caleb had that many friends, only associates. It was kind of strange the way they all of a sudden had people remembering fond memories of him, like when Summer said "I know you were close to your grandfather." What? Uh, I think not. Maybe Seth was close to his grandfather years ago. I guess they were spending all that time together during the times Seth wasn't getting to know the people in Nana's retirement home.

So the funeral wasn't an event, but boy was that reception something. Jimmy and Haley bumped into each other and made the obvious "I love Hawaii, you should see the North Shore" joke, and moved it along. I didn't mind this one, because at least it wasn't some reference to the Valley. But the main attraction is Kirsten. She is starting to get a little bit sloppy and by a little bit sloppy I mean that she is pacing herself like a Sumo wrestler at a sushi bar. She was so drunk, Tom Sizemore and Hugh Grant were trying to get her to slow down. She wasn't happy with the bartenders, so she had started pouring herself straight vodka, and sucking it down like a showgirl at an audition. She had so much booze it was like...OK, you get the point. She was drinking. A LOT. Everybody was trying to help her. Julie was on Kirsten drink-watch and Summer even fixed her a plate of food. "Never drink on an empty stomach," as the stepmonster says. Kirsten shrugged it off and, sensing something, Sandy asked Summer to get Seth out of the house. Everything was so depressing, he suggested they go out and have some fun to take their mind off of things. Good thing as well, because right after the kids left, Kirsten started drinking straight from the bottle, dropped it, made a scene, and had to be carried off by Haley and Jimmy.

Seth, Ryan, Summer, and Marissa are out to have some fun. We all know what that means - the Bait Shop, of course! If you were wondering if the producers were able to fit another live band performance, the answer is yes and no. Yes, the hot new song "Honest Mistake" by The Bravery
, but since the producers had no clue The Bravery was going to be hot, it looked like they simply added some audio over the image of DJ spinning on the ones and twos. The Bait Shop is where everything happens in Newport, sort of like Buffy and the kids from Sunnydale had the Bronze; even the drug deals happen at the Bait Shop. And if there has been one thing you can count on along with drug deals this season is Jess, and wherever Jess shows up, you can bet that Trey is nearby. He wants hot sex, she wants - well we haven't figured it out quite yet, but at least there is a theory. She is looking to become a big dealer, or at least score some money, but she needs some muscle in case the boys from Garden Grove are a little bit more difficult than she anticipated.

Trey and Ryan of course bump into each other, and Ryan is wondering what the hell Trey is doing there on his day off. Trey tries to tell him that he is waiting to pick up his check, but Ryan knows it's a lie, and his self-righteous meter starts to register something bad in the air, and he knows Trey us up to something. I can't really blame Ryan for being judgmental now because there is really no way to spin that Trey just messed up or is misunderstood after he tried to rape Marissa, and Ryan was right anyway. Trey was there for a drug deal, but Jess gave him a gun and so he was ready to take care of business.

When the dealers from Garden Grove showed up, we finally got another look at some more minorities. Other than the one black cop, every minority on this show is a rapper, pregnant, domestic help, criminal, or drug dealer - even the times when they have traveled to Los Angeles. What exactly are the writers trying to tell us about that anyway? As anticipated, the dealers say they are going to renegotiate, Garden Grove style. Welcome to the aggressive contract conversation, bitch! Trey kind of freezes, but Jess is stone cold and pulls the gun on the dealers, and fires two warning shots into the ceiling to let them know that she means business.

Trey and Jess make it out OK, but in the commotion, somebody was hit, and lay bloody on the ground. It was Marissa, but since we were only thirty minutes into the episode, you knew they weren't going to have anybody killed just yet. It turned out Marissa had simply hit the ground, and cut her head on some glass.

You would think that gun shots and such things would be a big deal in Newport Beach, but nobody was really talking about it the next day. I mean, the funeral was a big deal, but you think they would have had at least one scene where people were thinking about what had happened, especially if you happened to have kids that were there at the time. In a town as gossipy as Newport, people would have found out. Ryan does go over to Trey's and asks him to leave Newport, but the adults are oblivious. Jimmy is asking Julie if she wants to sail to Catalina (are we really supposed to believe he brought his boat from Hawaii?) and Sandy is trying to convince Haley to take Kirsten to the spa.

On the other hand, Sandy did have a good excuse. He decided with Haley that Kirsten would get help "whether she liked it or not". The doctor from the clinic was going to come over and do an intervention, and he wanted to talk it over with Seth and Ryan first. Ryan was an easy sell, he agreed almost right away that Kirsten could use some help and he would do anything it takes to get her healthy. Seth came at it with a slightly different view. He believed that sending his mom away was akin to giving up on her at the time she needed them most. He wondered how long she would be gone. This is just a guess on my part, but perhaps right around the end of baseball season. Seth was really being a whiny bitch. I was really surprised that he didn't want to get her help. He was completely surprised when his dad said she couldn't control her drinking. When a parent has a drug or alcohol problem, they always try and hide it from their kids, and their kids are always the first to know. Then again, Seth is a special case because he cares about himself so much, he tends to lose sight of the bigger picture. Eventually, he decided that he wasn't going to help them get rid of his mom, and went to go sulk in his room.

Well, the intervention did come and, as predicted, Kirsten did not go without a fight. But it sure was a quick fight. First the doctor had something to say, then Sandy, then Haley, and then Ryan. She had some good comebacks for Haley and Ryan, but they held their ground. It looked like she was going to walk away from the whole thing, but as she was going to leave, Seth shows up and tells her it is time to get help. She breaks down, and everybody had a really awkward group hug.

That intervention was short. If it seemed like it didn't take long, it's because that it was only two minutes in duration - 00:38-00:40. I wish they had brought up the alcoholism much earlier, because it would have given more time for things like a good intervention. We don't need something that is drawn out, but it would have been great to see Jimmy and Julie there, and maybe even Carter Buckley or Lindsay. Instead, the producers got it over with much quicker than imaginable. It certainly was nothing like what Christopher Moltisanti got in The Sopranos. Sandy packed up the car and drove her to the center.

Now, was it me, or did anybody notice a little bit of sloppy editing when Kirsten was in the car? It looked like she took her seat belt on and off 4 or 5 times in the span of a couple of seconds. Check this out. I really don't want to get some poor PA or AP fired, but this shit is just blatant (even drawing it in with a felt tip marker after the fact would have been better):

Kirsten gets to her facility, and you can tell that rehab was different in the OC, mainly because there was no sassy fat black woman to tell her what she could and couldn't do. Instead, we learn she is going to have to go a couple of days without her cell phone. OH THE HORROR! Sandy leaves her in the capable hands of a nurse, who also happened to be the love child of Vicki Lawrence and Cynthia Nixon.

While we are thinking about this, does anybody else wonder exactly what is going to happen to the Newport Group? The founder is dead, the figurehead CEO was fired, and the person who ran the day-to-day operations is an alcoholic. How do you explain THAT to your stockholders? There really isn't anybody qualified to take over, although I guess Julie could pretend that she knew what she was doing.

While all of that was happening, things were rapidly progressing in other parts of the show. While none of the adults had heard of the gunshots, Marissa had lived it, and when she was healing up from her new scratch back at home, Summer asks her if everything was alright. The pain of hiding the nature of her attack was too much. She broke down and told Summer. Summer knew she had to do something, but also knew that she would have to approach things the right way - better ask Cohen!

By the time Summer was at Seth's house, things were looking quite bad. Seth put it perfectly when he said "The way things are going, I bet that's Oliver." God that would have sucked. Oliver was one of the worst decisions in the history of the OC. Remember how we first learned how sucky he was during Rooney last year? Ugh. Anyway, when he sees Summer at the door, he is quite relieved, and then he hears what happens. Seth knows that the can't really do anything much more than tell Ryan, and when he does that, Ryan gets this look on his face. Well, he always has some sort of look on his face, since Mr. McKenzie has a thousand different moves with his eyes, lips and chin that can portray any emotion in the book, as long as it rhymes with sullen. This time, he channeled rage in a way we haven't scene since he first came to Newport and started punching up water polo players. He heads over to Trey's to see what's going on.

Trey has been thinking about a lot of things. He really didn't want to hurt Marissa, and would love for everything to be normal, but it's just not going to happen. Instead, he has Jess, and once again the lucky bastard has this hot girl hanging around for no reason. Somehow, she had managed to get inside the house while he was packing up to go. She said she had fifteen grand, she could steel her stepdad's Beemer, and they could go to Vegas, if he was the gambling type. Hey, he was going to leave anyway, so why not go with a hot girl who is willing to give you road head the whole way there?

But before Trey leaves, he is going to have to deal with a reckoning of sorts, and that is what Ryan was going to bring. He got to the house and confronted Trey about the attack (the producers were very careful about not saying rape or attempted rape). Trey denies it and sort of blames Marissa, but Ryan is not having any of it. Trey finds the gun and pulls it on Ryan, telling him to leave. In a brilliant piece of reverse psychology, Ryan acts like he is going to leave, leaving Trey off-guard enough to let his brother come in and slam him against the wall. They fight some more, and although Ryan had a few punches land pretty well earlier, he is looking a lot like Vitaly Klitschko when he had that four-inch gash above his head furing that Lennox-Lewis fight. Trey was still pounding on him when Marissa showed up.

Although Marissa had earlier confessed to Summer about Trey's attempted assault, other things in her life were falling back together. Jimmy and Julie decided to try being together again, and Kaitlin would be back from boarding school soon, but she heard from Summer and Seth that Ryan had gone over to Trey's, so she had left to do something about it. Marissa got there in time to try and break things up, but being 75 pounds, she couldn't muster up all of energy required to actually be successful at doing something productive. She begs for them to stop, but Trey is now out of control. He slams Ryan on the ground, rips a phone out of its cord, and is about to smash Ryan's head in, when Marissa finds the gun and shoots Trey in the back.

It wasn't a well-placed shot, but it did hit Trey in the body, and he didn't exactly go for more. Instead, we got one of those overdone montages of some slow motion effects. Trey turns around, looks at Marissa, and then collapses. Summer and Seth come over just in time to look at the aftermath. Fade out, and let's wait for Season 3

As cliffhangers go, this was a pretty good one. Although I had heard about what happened in my hotel room, I was still shocked seeing it on screen. We all know that Kirsten is going to be back, and although there may be a few less Chardonnay jokes, things are going to be the same. With Marissa, we really don't know. There is tons of speculation that Mischa Barton may leave the show, so the producers really gave themselves a number of different ways to lead into next season. It had some weak spots, but at least the problems were actually real problems.

Did you like the way the season ended? Who should they bring back next year? Who should they cut loose?

"Hey!" Count: Episode - 29, Season Total - 334!

Extreme Makeover: Season Finale Edition

So a strange thing happened to me on Sunday. I turned on the TV at around 8 PM, and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition was on. I've seen this show once or twice (yes, who hasn't seen the deaf family with the blind, autistic child episode?), but I've never really written about it. Since last night was the big season finale though, I decided to bust out the old pen and paper and take some notes. Granted, I had completely missed the first hour (although I did see a stupid segment where Ty and two of his lackeys climb a mountain and pretend to be thoughtful), but since I did have an hour of the show left, I knew I could find some good snark. Sure enough, after nearly two seconds, I found myself in a ball pit of schmaltz that only the Alphabet Network could pull off. Middle America, ABC hearts you!

First, a little background. Apparently in the first hour, the design crew had descended on Tuba City in Arizona to find its lucky family. No, Tuba City was not a musical discount store specializing in brass instruments and German oompa music. It was an actual city -- or town (again, didn't see the first hour) -- where the Piestawa family lived in a trailer. Of course, this is a season finale, which means that this isn't just your normal, run-of-the-mill downtrodden family. The heart and soul of this Native American clan was Lori Piestawa, a soldier who was killed in the Iraq war. Not only that, she was the first female casualty of the war and also the first Native American woman to die in a foreign war. Truly some unfortunate distinctions. But you know, I'm feeling like this just isn't enough. I mean, how can you top that deaf family? I mean, Marlee freakin' Matlin showed up! Oh wait, here we go. Turns out Lori was also the best friend of, you guessed it, JESSICA LYNCH. The only thing that could have made this event any better for Middle America would have been if a Hallmark figurine had suddenly arrived at their doorsteps.

Anyway, Jessica Lynch -- or J. Lyn, as I like to call her -- had made a promise to Lori that if anything were to happen to them, they'd take care of each of their families. And so a two hour season finale was born! Now, in case you don't remember who Jessica Lynch is (you idiot), design team member Constance Ramos was happy to tell us WITH A SMILE: "Jessica and Lori were part of a convoy, and they were ambushed!" Oh wonderful! Let's go have a daiquiri!

Later, we found Constance pouring through a truck of gifts, knickknacks, and cards -- all given in the memory of Lori. You see, Constance was in charge of creating the Lori room in the house. "I think I found one of the focal points of our room," she said, holding up a tacky airbrushed picture of Lori, a flag, an eagle, a headdress, and clouds. Hey, did Constance steal that from the McDonald's in Barstow? I swear I saw that hanging by the Men's room. Yeah, this was going to be a classy affair.

Meanwhile at Disney World, the Piestawa family were having the time of their lives. Man, they seemed really sweet. Oh, and look, the daughter is so cute in her princess outfit. Well, Ty Pennington had quite the surprise for them. "I know how much Carla is into princesses, and I wanted to give her a dream come true," he said. Oh, that's right. I forgot that Ty is just the bestest guy in the world whose heart is so big, he just has to give back whenever he can (or when the producers tell him to). Well, Ty got on the cell phone and told young Carla that he had something special for her. Sure enough, Cinderella and Prince Charming (or "the little prince guy" as Ty called him) showed up and gave the young girl a big hug. Yes, Ty, way to go. I'm sure no other little girls ever get to meet Cinderella in Disney World. Next you're going to tell me they're going to meet Mickey Mouse. Now that would be really impressive!

The show then paused to give us one of those knee-slapping comedic moments. You see, "In Arizona, there are two constants: sun and wind," explained Ty. As a result, the design team attached solar panels and a windmill to the house, but which one would provide more energy?? I was dying to know! Well, Ty and Paul DiMeo had a rolicking good time battling it out in a bit that must have had Candace in Omaha lying in stitches. In the end, Paul declared, "I got him good!" Yes, you did! That comparative energy source comedy is always killer!

Of course, Ty was able to demonstrate how in the end, it's not about helping a family, it's about reminding us how awesome he and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition are. Apparently, solar panels and a windmill have never been used in tandem in the state before, leading Ty to say, "It's the first time ever in Arizona, and I'm just glad we can be a part of that." All you did was hook up solar panels and a stupid windmill! You didn't end Apartheid! Then again, I never did get around to seeing "Extreme Makeover: 20th Century South African Policy Edition."

Now, the Piestawa family was getting a new home in Flagstaff, but back in Tuba City, the design team decided to erect a meeting place for the local Navajo and Hopi war veterans. Unfortunately, they only came up with the idea with about three days to go, which meant this very special place would basically be... a prefabricated home. Well, something's better than nothing, right? Well, to show how wonderful a corporation they were, Sear showed up with a truck full of merchandise to donate to the center and the entire reservation as a whole. And look, here's the driver hopping out of the truck! Wait a second, it's just a corporate rep dressed up like one of the common folk. "He's just like us. Sears is my favorite! Now pass the Cheetos, Bobby Dale," commented Crystal in West Virginia.

Hey, how did folksy Sears executive know to come? "I called the guys at Sears," boasted Ty. Man, Ty is such a saint. HE called the guys at Sears! You would have thought the producers would arrange that, but no, Ty just takes care of it all himself! Man, I won't take back much from this show, but at least I'll always remember what a wonderful, genuine person Ty Pennington is.

Anyway, Sears announced that it would be outfitting the entire reservation with new clothing. Hey, that's actually pretty generous. So congratulations Tuba City! Enjoy a new wardrobe of ugly, poorly made clothes!

The next morning, Jessica Lynch showed up with a box of Lori's items she had kept. Ty told us that she hadn't been able to part with them, but luckily, the design team had made her feel ready to give them back to the family. Aw, design team. You are just wonderful. You should pat yourselves on the back one last time. You deserve it. By the way, if anyone doubts how wonderful the design team is, just ask them. They'll agree.

Jessica Lynch handed over an old comforter which Constance immediately caressed with her hands in a lame attempt to form some sort of a connection with Lori. We then moved back to Tuba City for the grand opening of the veterans center. Dreamboat Preston Sharp became wistful as he noted how the memories and voices of the ancestors carry on the wind, and as the ceremony began, "the wind arrived with the veterans." Uh, according to Ty, the wind is a constant in Arizona, so should we be really impressed with this "coincidence"? Yeah, I thought so. Sit down, PRESTON.

But Preston wasn't the only one getting all emotional about the wind. Ty tried desperately to put his sad face on as he said, "I've never seen winds like I've seen out here." This just in: Ty has apparently never seen winds at all. Oooh - the flags are flapping: UNBELIEVABLE! Let's not blow his mind with a hurricane or a tornado.

Well, just when this segment was making us meditate about the losses of the Native American community and their contributions to wars, Preston was back to remind that, hello, this is about Extreme Makeover, not some old Indians. "Any Native American war veteran that's served has always had to go somewhere else, a hotel or something, to have their conventions or gatherings. Now they finally have one place." A modular home! How wonderful! Hey, pat yourself on the back again, Preston!

Soon it was time for the ribbon-cutting ceremony, and guess who performed the honors? One of the vets? No. Jessica Lynch? No. Someone remotely connected to any sort of military conflict? No. Instead, it was Ty Pennington, a.k.a. the ranking officer of the douchebag army. Seriously, just go away.

As everyone shuffled in, Preston once again attempted to recapture the Most Self-Congratulatory Award from Ty. "It was one of our best efforts!" he exclaimed proudly, adding "Sometimes I just think we might be Jesus."

The English construction guy, Ed, soon came on screen with a certain "Aw shucks, blimey!" attitude. Some guy gave him an Iraqi dollar with the signatures of all his friends who had returned safely from the war. The gift profoundly moved Ed who immediately turned to the camera to explain how bloody emotional this all was. Later, in an interview, he said of the mysterious man, "And he was gone. As soon as he was there, he was gone." Well, maybe if you hadn't suddenly started talking to the camera, you would have seen him walk away dejectedly, you dumbass.

But anyway, congratulations veterans. You now have a meeting place built with all the attention and care that a three-day rush job can provide. Okay, okay, it actually looked really nice. I just don't want to give the design team the satisfaction that they did something good.

Back at the Piestawa house, a team of Lego experts were assembling Lego furniture for the little boy's Lego room. "I've never seen such cool structures made by so many, you know, really caring people," gushed Ty, who had previously boasted about how HE recruited them. So basically, we have Ty to thank for all those "really caring people." You're the best, Ty! NOW DIE.

Coming onto the screen next was resident gay superstar Michael Maloney whose latest task was to design a playroom. "I've always wanted to do one of those ball pits!" he exclaimed, paving the way for all sorts of dirty jokes. I think it was his way of quietly infusing the gay subculture into Middle America, kind of like the Village People and "YMCA".

Later that night, it was time to move furniture in, but man, this would be a big job. Better call in some backup! I'll let Ty explain: "I actually called the Arizona Army National Guard." Actually, the producers probably called them, but that's okay, Ty. Continue to take the glory for yourself. Anyway, all sorts of soldiers suddenly poured in and began moving furniture into the house. Is this really what our tax dollars go to? Having soldiers take orders from Ty Pennington? Shouldn't we be putting them to better use, like, you know, securing the peace in Iraq? (Meanwhile, a dozen readers are now going to complain "Helping the Piestawa family is important! Lori gave her life for this country!" which is true. And that is the beauty of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. You can't make fun of it without people getting all angry).

As the army carried various items into the house, we once again were privy to the comedy stylings of Ty Pennington as he schooled Jessica Lynch on how to properly use a megaphone. Putting the old windmill bit to shame, Ty yelled into the megaphone so maniacally that all his veins seemed to come popping out of his gangly neck. Oh, this is RICH! He's yelling into a megaphone! Don't you get how brilliant this comedy is?? Somebody give this guy a special on Comedy Central! [pausing to regain control of body, taking a few breath, wiping tears from eyes].

Not to be outdone, Paul DiMeo showed up again with his own comedy bit. You see, the wind was blowing really hard, and look, he feigned getting blown away! Somebody get this guy a writing gig on Yes, Dear, STAT!

Well, the next morning, the Piestawa family returned from their sojourn at Disney World, and blah blah blah, Ty bellowed out "Move that bus!" or whatever that stupid line is they say. Sure enough, the family was in awe of their new house. And to make it even better, the rest of the design team came running out the front door -- because let's not forget it's all about them, people.

Okay, so the house turned out to be really beautiful, and the Piestawas were simply blown away. Leave it to Michael Maloney to frame the moment in an appropriately patronizing way: "We could have built them anything, and they would have been thrilled." At this point, Michael tickled the family and gushed, "Because they're so cute, those Piestawas! Yes they are! Yes they are!"

Anyway, as the family toured the house, the design crew either cried (Preston) or tried to cry (Ty). At one point, Lori Piestawa's mother gave an eloquent, thoughtful, and emotional speech, and for a brief second, the rampant exploitation of people's misfortunes for ratings faded away. And then of course Ty grabbed the grandmother and uttered, "God, you are a wonderful woman," reminding us that it's Ty who has benefited the most out of this.

Later, the family wandered into the much-hyped rumpus room where Ty surprised everyone by jumping out of the ball pit. "Check it out! There's balls everywhere!" he exclaimed.

[pause to create your own testicular / balls / Ty Pennington jokes]

And we're back. After playing with his balls, Ty then took the grandparents up to their master bedroom, which, by the way, was also Ty's secret project! That meant that this room was even more about Ty Pennington than any of the others! Anyway, inside was actually a pretty impressive setup full of Native American artifacts and motifs. The Piestawas were blown away and complimented Ty for his good work, especially how he took in Navajo culture and made it a part of the room. "You did a lot of learning!" they said over and over again. Yay Ty! Take a bow! You're the star! You learned about Navajo culture!

Lastly, it was time to enter Lori's room, but before going in, it was important that everyone saw how sincere Ty felt about this moment; so he lowered his voice to a raspy whisper (that means he's introspective!) and slowed his words (that means he's respectful!) and kind of frowned (that means he's sad!). What a wonderful, thoughtful host. Sorry, Piestawas, but I think we should really give this house to Ty. It's okay. You're used to living in a trailer home. But Ty, he put his heart and soul into this. He really deserves it.

Anyway, everyone filed into Lori's room and tears were had by all, and dammit, was I getting emotional too? I REFUSE to be snared by this dumb show! Thankfully, I survived this extra manipulative scene (look at the little boy cry! YOU SHALL CRY TOO, HELPLESS VIEWER!) and managed to keep myself from vomiting as the young daughter then rode around on a horse that apparently could not be tamed. I HATE THIS.

Finally, the episode ended with everyone gathered around the new fire pit in the backyard. The bland executives from Shea Homes then forked over $50,000 to the family (hmmm... that's good, but if Marlee Matlin isn't showing up, I really don't care) and soon everyone was crying once again, including Jessica Lynch and Lori's father. As strings swelled on the soundtrack, I too found myself getting emotional again. No, Ty Pennington, you shall not win this battle. Sure enough, I battled through the assault of sentimentality, and I'm proud to say I emerged without shedding a single tear.

Honestly, I'm very happy for the Piestawa family, and I'm sure the outpouring of support has changed their lives for the better. But I hate Ty Pennington now more than I ever have before. Thank you ABC for letting me re-channel my disdain onto someone new.

What did you think of the finale? Did you cry?

UPDATED: The Newly-Filedfordivorces

E! has reported the Sonny & Cher of the new millennium, Nick and Jessica - much like Sonny & Cher of the old millennium - have filed for divorce. They have chosen to go the trendy "irreconcilable differences" route rather than the less popular "I f--king hate him."

It is expected that Jessica will forgo her music career to explore a life in feature films while Nick is expected to run for public office then slam into a tree during a skiing accident and die.

UPDATE Less than an hour after going up on the E! website, the link to the original article has vanished. It's unclear whether it will be someone at E! or someone in the Newlywed camp, but one thing is certain...someone's getting shitcanned.

UPDATE Wasting no time, Jessica Simpson-Lachey contacted a respected publication oozing with class and repute, US WEEKLY, to deny the claims that the couple filed for divorce.

Final Update The Superficial has the screencap of the original E! post.

One Long Day

Ahhhh... Another day in the life of Jack Bauer has come to an end, and thus, season four of 24 has wrapped up as well. It's been a fun ride, and with the exception of some increasingly unbelievable plotting in the past few weeks, a nearly perfect season as well. Unfortunately, the death of Dina Araz took a lot of wind out of the show's sails, and hey, now that I think of it, we still don't know where poor Behrooz went. Something tells me he'll be back as a crazy bad guy, eager to get revenge on the government that swore to protect his mother. Don't let the puffy hair deceive you: Behrooz will be back, and this time, he'll want BLOOD.

Until then, we have some other faces from the past to deal with. Specifically: Mandy. Yes, when we last left our homies at CTU, Jack and the funky bunch had surrounded the the assassin's apartment complex. And what did she do? She killed Agent Castle (yes!) and abducted Tony (doh!). Now Jack was trying to hunt her down.

"Is there any way she slipped the perimeter?" asked Michelle. Surely she could not get past the perimeter! No one gets past the perimeter! Except public buses... and waves of terrorists... and pretty much anything that can run faster than a kindergartner. Still, Jack was pretty sure that this time, the perimeter would work. Hey, remember last hour when the perimeter forgot to make sure not to let in twenty terrorists so they could abduct Marwan? Yeah, that was awesome. Good perimeter-ing, perimeter!

As Curtis headed out to join Jack on the location, Audrey put on an efficient-looking headset and began hunting for the missile with satellite printouts. Good to see she's suddenly stopped pouting around. I guess that goes with her whole "I'm different every hour!" character thing she's got going on.

Michelle, meanwhile, was flipping out now that her man had disappeared. When she learned that only nine people would be heading to the apartment complex as backup, Michelle nearly lost it, but luckily the bland resolve of Buchanan calmed her down. Wow, tough day for women in CTU. All their lovers keep getting hurt. Something tells me Audrey will be starting up a support circle in the "situation room."

While Michelle fretted, we found Tony shirtless and kneeling in a vacant apartment. Amazingly, Mr. Almeida's well-documented increase of girth seemed to have reversed, which leads me to believe he has either a) been doing sit-ups in the situation room, b) had liposuction in the CTU plastic surgery facility (located next to the CTU trauma center), or c) simply been wearing a pregnancy suit around the office for no real reason. Either way, two cheers for physical fitness. You never know when you'll be bound, gagged, and shirtless.

Anyway, Mandy had apparently found the one unit with drying paint because utility lamps were lit all over the place, making the hideout exceptionally bright. Honestly, if I were an assassin in a complex surrounded by government agents, I might, you know, shut the lights off, but hey, it's nice to know that if there's one thing Mandy respects, it's a landlord's humble attempts to dry paint. By the way, kudos to CTU for not investigating the one apartment with light streaming from its windows.

Over in Washington, Palmer and Logan needed to get some death toll estimates from Audrey. But wait, we don't know where the missile will strike, complained Audrey. How can I put together the information? JUST DO IT BITCH.

Back in the apartment complex, all sorts of bad things were happening. After some tense phone conversations and some portrait work with the camera phone, Mandy basically told Michelle that if she didn't move the CTU forces, Tony would die. Ah, a clever reversal of last year's situation with Saunders! Except that time, Tony committed treason to save Michelle. Would she return the favor for her estranged husband? The dilemma was so pressing, Michelle had to UNBUTTON HER BLAZER! Whoa, simmer down Ms. Dessler! Don't go crazy and show us too much of that blouse! Maybe you'd like a warm towel? A glass of water?

Well, Michelle's inner-conflict lasted for about five seconds as she quickly spilled the beans to Buchanan who then alerted Jack. "I promise you that we will do everything we can for Tony," Bauer reassured Michelle. Great. That's what he said about Paul Raines too. Here's the thing about CTU promises: they inevitably backfire -- and in huge ways. The only thing less reliable are CTU security escorts, CTU staff doctors, and, of course, perimeters. On the plus side, the CTU fro-yo machine is quite good.

Anyway, Mandy brokered a deal with Michelle, and as the vehicles drove away from the North exit of the building, our lady assassin got to work. She busted out our old friend, Mr. Taser, and zapped Tony right in the chest. Yay! More electrocution! It wasn't as novel as Jack's lamp wire technique, but it was just as effective, and at the end of the day, isn't that all we really want? Hey, and let's not forget how much fun we had when poor Sarah took a few Taser kisses to the neck earlier this season. Those were good times. Anyway, as Tony lay on the floor unconscious, Mandy waltzed over to a counter, and in a totally showy, unnatural move, swung her leg up and cocked her gun. I half expected Mia Kirshner to turn to the camera and say, "Why yes, I am in The L Word." And then after an awkward pause, she'd add, "That's a show about lesbians."

Before becoming an assassin, Mandy was a Rockette.

Well, suddenly raging guitars filled the soundtrack as Mandy approached her front door. Oh no! What would happen? Would she kill Tony? Would she escape into the night? Turns out neither. All she did was... put on lipstick? Oh, I get it! The show's telling us that sexy women are dangerous! Phew! For a moment there, I was afraid I'd have to stray from my gender stereotypes.

Anyway, once she was all purdy and such, Mandy headed over to the neighboring apartment where a guy and a girl greeted her happily. Apparently, she actually knew these people. They asked if she was okay, and she said yeah, but then asked if "Joss" was around. Huh? Joss? Moments later, a fat dude poked his head out of the bedroom, and before we could even contemplate if this was Joss, Mandy had already shot him down, sending the other girl cowering in the corner. Uh, what exactly is going on here? Who are these people? Why is Mandy killing random jerks named Joss?

The mysterious, short-lived, and utterly unexplained Joss.

Of course we didn't get an answer because we cut to commercial, and when we returned, we were back with the Prez who had nothing but bad news. "I just got off a very disturbing phone call from the Chinese foreign secretary," he said, elaborating: "He plans to vote for Carrie Underwood. I just don't understand." Actually, turns out the Chinese were still mad about that whole consulate mess and now were waving around those photos of stupid Howard Burn. This of course led President Logan to go nuts and yell at Palmer, eventually spouting out a Chicken Little-ish "We're gonna die! We're all gonna die!" type rant. "Don't say that!" reprimanded Palmer in one of his rarely seen growls. Eventually he calmed Logan down and told him, "Remain presidential," adding, "Maybe now would be a good time to discuss insurance alternatives with Allstate. Here, let me stand in the middle of this road and talk about it."

Meanwhile, Howard Burn -- last seen exiting CTU via helicopter two episodes ago -- made his triumphant return as he landed on a rooftop in San Diego. He checked in with Buchanan, and with everything seeming fine and dandy, he hopped in an SUV where (SURPRISE!) Chang, the Chinese security official, was waiting. Turns out this crafty guy had taken out Burn's CTU escort (there's a shocker). And how did Chang know to do that? Well, before he made his little visit to Buchanan two hours ago, the Chinese government started pulling satellite imagery on CTU and noticed a helicopter leaving with Burn. So of course they followed it all the way down to San Diego. Still doesn't explain how Chang got there so quickly. In fact, all the logistics about this particular twist made absolutely no sense (how did the Chinese intercept CTU before the helicopter landed? How did Chang have enough time to get off his helicopter and get into the CTU vehicle? How did Burn not notice ALL THE ASIAN MEN IN THE SUV???). Oh well, it's one of the many time-bending mysteries of 24.

Back at CTU, Michelle was freaking out again as the sting operation on Mandy neared. With little else to do, she took out her rage on poor Edgar Stiles as she impatiently asked "Can't we multiplex?" I don't get it. Does she want to go to the movies? Oh wait, never mind. It was just typical CTU techno-babble. Apparently Michelle wanted to multiplex the triangulation of the blowfish algorithm in order to generate enough gigawatts for the flux capacitor. Makes perfect sense.

Anyway, as a random rain storm (or as it's known outside of Los Angeles: rain) descended on the scene, Mandy called Michelle to say that she was leaving the buildiing. Uh, before you do that, could you explain your little scuffle with Joss? No? Okay, fine. Anyway, as Mandy continued to talk on the phone, a man and a woman fled the apartment complex. Surely this was Mandy and Tony, but wait! We couldn't get a good look at the couple. Uh oh. I smell a decoy! Suddenly, the duo hopped into a car, and as the field agents swarmed, the vehicle exploded in the now customary weekly fireball. This has fakeout written all over it.

Alas, everyone at CTU fell for it (except Jack, but we'll get to that later). Michelle let out a heart-wrenching "NO!!!", and with Mandy believed to be dead, Palmer said CTU should focus its efforts on post-nuclear-disaster management. Of course, Logan went nuts -- again -- and chewed out Palmer... again. "You failed me, David. And you failed your country," he complained. Hey, quick call of hands. Who screwed up CTU's chances of apprehending Marwan about four or five hours ago? Oh that's right, you did, LOGAN. Ah, but there I go again, yelling at fictional characters. But seriously, this guy has more mood swings than Courtney Love in menopause (it hasn't happened yet, but man, do I fear it).

Later, as MIchelle stared vacantly in an empty room, Buchanan comforted her with a few reassuring words. Oh I see the way this goes. Wait till her man's died and then you swoop in to get a piece. Real clever, Buchanan. Real clever. Meanwhile, out in the field, Jack's super intuition was telling him that Tony wasn't dead. He reviewed the video footage of the explosion over and over again, trying to match it with the audio of Mandy's phone call. Funny. There didn't seem to be any trace of an explosion on Mandy's call. You'd think there would be, considering she, you know, claimed to be in the car. Huh. Maaaaaaybe she wasn't in the car! Still, you'd think she'd try to make an explosion noise for congruity. At the very least, say "Ka-boom! I'm dead now."

Nevertheless, Jack was onto something. "Give me more damn volume on the phone call!" he yelled at Curtis, who responded with "Jack, Tony's gone." There was a quiet, reflective pause, and then Jack replied calmly, "I'm sorry, Curtis. Just play it again. Please." Well, since he asked so nicely, how could Curtis resist? Jack watched the footage again, and this time, he noticed not the explosion but that none of all that hard rain even showed up in the recording. Mandy must have been calling from another location! DUH.

Yes, Mandy was alive and well, and she had even been so kind as to finally throw some clothes on the entirely too shiny Tony Almeida (she got the garments from the recently deceased Joss, and we can assume the decoys were the two other unlucky residents from that apartment. Still waiting for the backstory on that...). Anyway, as Mandy prepared to head outside with her hostage, Tony pressed his toe against what looked to be egg shells. Oh wait, never mind. It was broken glass, and he had cut himself in order to leave a bloody trail of his whereabouts. How very Hansel and Gretel. Well, in a rare moment of proficiency, the CTU field team actually spotted the blood, and as Jack came over to investigate, he noticed there was actually a trail.

Tony and Mandy, meanwhile, had ventured down to the garage, and in an attempt to wrangle himself free, Tony engaged in a headbutting extravaganza as he tried his best to whoop his captor with nothing but his torso, forehead, and knees. Unfortunately, Mandy was able to easily fight back, thus securing Tony's badass ranking as firmly #3 behind Curtis and Jack. After all, let's not forget when Jack was able to kill two guys with his hands cuffed behind him last season. And must we overlook Curtis's insane escape from Marwan earlier that afternoon?

Speaking of badasses, Jack suddenly showed up in the garage and told Mandy to drop her gun. There was a neat little showdown, and as Mandy tempted Jack to shoot Tony, Curtis snuck up from behind (he and Jack LOVE sneaky maneuvers) and OH YES, he just punched her right in the FACE! Man, it was like he heard Tony threatening to be badass #2 and just HAD to one-up him. Wow, a punch to the face. That was awesome. Let it be known that this moment was replayed on the Tivo many, many times. Producers, if you ever kill our man Curtis, I will never forgive you.

Click on Mandy to see the punch...

With Mandy knocked out and handcuffed and Tony safe and sound, it was time to alert Michelle that her husband was still alive. I kind of was hoping Jack would call her up and be all coy and everything. "Guess who I found. I'll give you a hint, you used to be married to him and you thought he just died!" Then of course Audrey would come galloping in, yelling "Paul? Paul? Is he alive!!!!" Ah, it would be worth it just to see her crumble all over again. But anyway, Jack alerted CTU in a normal way, but alas, Michelle wasn't there. She was in the parking lot, sitting in her car. A knot slowly formed in my stomach as a tragic Romeo & Juliet scenario played out in my head: Michelle thinks Tony's dead, Michelle commits suicide, Tony finds Michelle dead, Tony commits suicide, and so on and so forth. As Buchanan tried to reach her on her cell, my fears became more and more intense. Answer the phone! Your man is alive! Don't shoot your brains out!

Luckily, Michelle picked up and tearfully learned the wonderful news that her man would be coming back to her. "I'm coming to CTU right now," Tony said. Oh no. The other kiss of death: telling people to wait. Would this be curtains for Tony?

Anyway, while Jack arranged a deal with Mandy in exchange for information, we returned to San Diego where Howard was now tied up and ready for some good old fashioned torture. But Chang didn't need to do any of that. Instead, he was simply going to ship Howard off to China, never to be heard from again -- unless he talked. Who authorized the raid on the consulate, he asked. Dumbass, say it was Habib Marwan. You know, the guy that actually was chasing the witness staying there. But no, Howard wasn't very quick, and as the first hour concluded, he reluctantly admitted that Jack was behind the mission. Hand slapping forehead.

The second hour of the broadcast began with another nifty "Previously on 24" recap where we got to see Curtis punching Mandy in the face yet again. Ha, that never gets old. I mean, it's not like he punched her face with an uppercut or a jab. He full on rocketed his fist right between her eyes. Seriously, it was one of the very best punches in the series' history, let alone network television in general. Okay, I'm gushing. Let's just move on.

After the recap, we returned to the surprisingly unblemished Mandy who wanted a deal from the president's office before giving any information. Ah, but we had a little conflict. You see, Mandy was the person who tried to kill Palmer two seasons ago. Of course, we knew that, but did the Oval Office? Apparently they did. The main Secret Service guy (I forget his name, even though he's been featured every season), revealed Mandy's past as a wanted assassin in connection with Palmer's poisoning. Could Palmer grant Mandy freedom when she had in fact tried to kill him? It was an interesting predicament, but sadly, it was resolved almost immediately as Palmer agreed to the deal. Now call me crazy, but didn't this all feel a bit rushed? Shouldn't there have been an episode or more devoted to discovering the link between Mandy and her assassination attempt on Palmer? And then after that, shouldn't there have been more discussion about who she was working for? And couldn't we have had more than three nanoseconds of deliberation from Palmer before consenting to the deal? Point is, all this juicy stuff should have surfaced three or four episodes ago. Cramming it into the finale meant that we had to gloss over it way too quickly in order to pave the way for later nonsense with China. Urgent plea to writers: please follow up with Mandy next season.

Anyway, back in Los Angeles, Mandy informed Jack that she'd tell all once her representatives had confirmed her immunity. Great. Is that stupid Amnesty International guy going to come back? Thankfully no, and after a brief call with her lawyers, Mandy received the go-ahead to babble at will. She quickly gave Marwan's location, saying that he was about to take off on a helicopter. We then cut to Marwan as he climbed into a chopper. In the background, the lights of downtown Los Angeles twinkled in the night, which was pretty impressive considering all the electrical circuits had been completely fried a few hours ago when that EMP went off. Anyway, Jack sped towards Marwan in a CTU helicopter, thus paving the way for Edgar to yell, "I see a chopper!" Or as it was pronounced in EdgarSpeak: "I thee a choppa!" As for Marwan, he seemed to be... playing a PSP? Wow, as a terrorist he should be really more focused on being evil. Oh wait, it wasn't a PSP. No, it was merely a little mapping device, and oh who cares. Point is that Jack showed up and disabled Marwan's helicopter -- with a pistol, of course. Honestly, if Jack had a potato, he would have stopped that helicopter (although, if it were up to just the CTU field units, they probably would have found a way to have not only let the chopper get away, but somehow blow themselves up in the process).

Well, Marwan dashed away from the helicopter and ran downstairs to --- you guessed it -- a parking garage. Hot on his trail was Jack, Curtis, and a random third guy who we'll name Deady McDeaderson. Amazingly, this unnamed sidekick lasted a whole five seconds before Marwan killed him (that's about two or three seconds longer than Jack's typical anonymous sidekick). Sadly, Curtis took a bullet in the shoulder, causing him to go down as well. So this was it. Jack versus Marwan. The final showdown. Would Jack be able to capture this wily terrorist? Not so much. You see, Marwan still had that whole martyr option, which meant that he was more than happy to fling himself over the side of the building. Luckily Jack was able to grab his arm at the last second, but when Marwan pulled out his knife and sliced Jack's hand, well, the rest was history. In one of 24's less impressive visual effects, Marwan fell to the ground below with a jerky swiftness usually reserved for goldfish going down the toilet bowl. Either way, he was dead, and of course, in Washington, Logan went nuts, screaming that Jack promised to bring back the terrorist alive. Who else is crossing their fingers that this guy comes to a bloody demise next season? Not saying I don't enjoy his character -- he is way more entertaining than bland Keeler -- but still, I'm looking forward to his death.

Before Marwan dies, he sings a tune from Man of La Mancha.

Meanwhile, with Marwan dead as a doornail, we could return to that other subplot -- the impending Chinese crisis. With Howard Burn having implicated Jack, China was now ready to rumble. Either the U.S. government hands over Bauer to stand trial in China or we're going to have another war. Well, surely we don't want war, but can we really hand over Jack? Then again, if there's anyone capable of escaping a Chinese jail, it's Jack (and I bet he could do it in exactly twenty-four hours). Of course, there was another option. Jack could have an "accident," suggested Logan's advisor, Cummings. "This administration does not condone murder!" Logan responded with sudden authority. Whoa, when did he get balls? Now, why didn't anyone at this moment say "How about we fake his death? Put him in the witness protection program." Surely that would be the logical thought. But no. Everyone simply stood around tensely, perhaps snacking occasionally on some cookies Mike had baked.

Over at CTU, Edgar and Chloe frantically tried to decode information found on Marwan's helicopter. The two began bickering immediately, with Edgar finally rebuffing Chloe's suggestions by saying they didn't work. "That's because you didn't expand the parameter!" she yelled. DUH! I can't believe he didn't expand the parameter, stupid jerk. Everyone expands the parameter. Sigh.

Well, these two managed to figure out the trajectory of the missile and HOLY SHIT -- it was headed for Los Angeles! I never would have guessed! Personally, you'd think the terrorists would attack Washington, but I guess movie stars can really be more annoying than politicians (case in point, watch Tom Cruise on Oprah yesterday. If that doesn't make you want to nuke Hollywood, I don't know what will).

With a missile heading towards CTU, would the military be able to find it in time? Well, the answer was yes. In fact, the national guard took out the nuke rather efficiently, thus keeping the suspense tightly confined to a thirty second duration. Again, another plot element that could have used a little more build up.

Well, Marwan was dead, the missile was destroyed, and yet we still had thirty more minutes left in the show. What gives? A second missile? A second Marwan? As I pondered these things, Tony and Michelle finally had their teary reunion while down the hall, Audrey watched Paul Raines's body get hauled out of the building. By the way, where did Heller go? He popped up last week and was gone again this week. It's the season finale. Can we get a little closure with his character? Anyway, Audrey found Jack and promptly broke up with him, saying that his home is really CTU. Wait, was she dumping him AND firing him at the same time? Wow, she really has a chip on her shoulder.

Just when it couldn't get any worse for Jack, Palmer called up to say that he was being arrested for the whole Chinese mess and apologized sincerely for his role in it. Of course, RationalJack understood completely and accepted his fate happily. But wait, was Jack going to be simply arrested? Me thinks not! Turns out that this Cummings fellow wanted Jack dead, regardless of what Logan had ordered. He called up Jack's Secret Service escort and told him to make sure there was an "accident." Uh oh, Jack better keep his wits about him! But hold on again! Good old Mike had overheard the entire conversation, and in his ongoing attempts to regain the man-love of Palmer, he reported that Jack was going to be murdered.

Well, this was unacceptable to Palmer; so he marched right in to Logan's office to fix this. Of course, at this point, Logan was happily accepting congratulations from various politicians and world leaders for guiding the country so well during this crisis. When he saw David, he let out a big smile, and I half expected him to go all DeNiro and glow "This guy! This guy! Eh? This guy! What a champ!" The mood quickly soured though as Palmer alerted him of Cummings' plan. Logan refused to step on Cummings toes and told Palmer to git. Back at CTU, we found Jack and Tony changing in the locker room (Jack had a locker? Then again, it wouldn't have been too hard to find a spare one, considering that about 95% of the field team had died that day). Palmer called Jack to say that he was entering a trap and that Logan was having him killed. Jack simply thanked the President and stared malevolently at Tony's backside. Uh oh. A little butt-rape to end out the day? No, probably something a little more clever...

Well, if Buchanan and an ogre had a love child, it would be the big neanderthal of a man that came to fetch Jack. His name was Dale Spaulding, and no sooner had he arrived that the alarms in CTU suddenly went off. Tony came running in to say that Jack cold cocked him and had escaped. Since when did escaping people ever warrant an alarm at CTU? How many times has Jack fled CTU without WWIII breaking out on the PA system? Anyway, Tony and Dale headed into a random industrial room (the CTU power plant, located next to the CTU trauma center) where Jack shot a few bullets into the air. Two things were about to happen. Either Tony was going to be in on Jack's whole plan, or Tony was about to die. Well, turns out it was the former. After some yelling and more gunfire, Tony discovered Jack lying "dead" in the corner. Both guys felt his pulse - or lack of it - and as the whole gang ran in (Buchanan, Michelle, Chloe), Jack was pronounced officially dead. "Take him into the situation room," said Buchanan as Dale left, adding "Also, make sure to clean up the Incident Room and the Occurrence Chamber."

Hey Jack, wake up. Bo Bice is about to sing!

Sure enough, as the door closed and Dale was officially out of the room, everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Turns out the whole gang had worked together to fool Dale. Stupid Dale. Now they just needed to revive Jack. Tony shot him up with some epinephrine, but wait, he didn't seem to be responding! That's okay, Jack's died before. Just keep doing CPR. Sure enough, in a very Flatliners Kiefer Sutherland move, Jack came back from the other side and was ready to start his new life.

Meanwhile, with Dale gone, Buchanan broke the news to Audrey that Jack had died. Ouch. 0 for 2 with the lovers today. That's got to make you feel reeeeal good, Audrey. In response to the news, the heartbroken widow leaned against a wall and DROPPED HER FILES! Uh, you're going to pick those up right? Just wondering.

You know, maybe if you didn't drop your files, you would have seen the memo that said "Jack's alive!"

MInutes later, we found Tony and Michelle driving out to a train yard looking quite suspicious. Turns out Jack was in their backseat. They all said their goodbyes in a effectively emotional moment, and then Jack hopped out of the vehicle where he, well, went and hid amongst a few stacks of pallets. From there he called Palmer (Tony and Michelle had given him a special, scrambled phone) and thanked him for saving his life. Again, oddly emotional moment, especially when Palmer said this was the last time he'd be speaking to Jack for the rest of his life (or at least until next season). Then Jack put away his phone, slapped on some trendy aviator glasses and walked off into the sunrise. Where would he go? Would he hop on a train and ride the rails? Become a hobo? Open up a chai shop in Santa Fe? And how about Kim? Was anyone going to bother to tell her about dad?

And now, for your enjoyment, a photo recap of Jack's dramatic exit. Feel free to whistle "Winds of Change" by the Scorpions to help the moment.

I guess we'll find out next season when surely Jack will have to return from anonymity to save the country once again. Maybe this time though, the writers can scale back the impending threats. We don't need a massive terrorist attack to make the show work. If anything, the unbelievable resourcefulness of these bad guys does nothing but undermine the show. Maybe next season can focus on something a little more down to earth: a hostage crisis, a hijacking, shoplifting. Okay, maybe not the last one. Either way, even when this "day" forced us to suspend disbelief one too many times, it was an incredibly fun ride. Can't wait for next year!

What did you think of the finale? Were you happy with the cliffhanger? Will Jack ever have his name cleared? Will Audrey commit suicide?

Tana to Trump: Can I Get A Woop Woop?

After long delay, I finally saw the much-hyped finale for season three of The Apprentice, and sadly, the only surprise here was that Matthew Calamari didn't return to royally embarrass himself on live television once again. Yes, we here at the TVgasm offices were traveling on the 15 freeway en route to Las Vegas when Donald Trump officially anointed his next glorified underling, and so I didn't even get a chance to check out this hour of splendor until late last evening. The Donald had promised to cut down on the fat from last season's bloated finale, but would he be true to his promise?

Yes and no. For starters, he nixed the endless testimonies from random people in the audience (thank god -- although, again, kind of missing Matthew Calamari). Unfortunately, he also did away with the reunion segment, something that I'm always eager to see. What we were left with was a herky-jerky Q & A as well as a lengthy segment on the adventures of Kelly and Brian, Apprentices Extraordinaire. Also, let's not forget that while this episode was only an hour long, the actual finale was a two-part event that stretched over seven days; so at the end of the day, while this show was certainly shorter than last season's three-hour snoozefest, I don't think it's safe to say that it was any less bloated.

Speaking of bloated, how about that opening recap of the season? Much like with Survivor which also plopped a fifteen minute "in case you weren't watching" montage on the front of its finale, Mark Burnett burned off the first quarter of the show with a lengthy - but enjoyable - trip down memory lane. It started with Trump blaring that "Half of the candidates had degrees from some of the finest schools in the country." Like University of Florida (Kendra), Seattle Pacific University (Alex), Cleveland State University (Danny), University of Memphis (Bren), University of Miami (Erin, Todd), Arizona State University (Stephanie), and Jackson State University (Verna). Yes, some of the very finest schools. I'm glad Trump didn't dilute the pool with those crappy-ass institutions like Princeton or Stanford.

Anyway, as we reminisced on the season, we got to relive those glorious moments from early on. Look, there's Danny yelling "UNBELIEVABLE!", and there's Brian dressed like a... cowboy? Okay, we'll just assume that was for the Burger King task and not some unfortunate fashion choice (he did, after all, take great joy in wearing a Viking hat for no reason). The producers then threw the audience a bone by flashing us a scene from one of Chris's earlier explosions. "I DO NOT REFURBISH HOMES!" he yelled. Yes, if there are two things we know about Chris, it's that he hates gutting houses and that HE IS NOT A HOMOSEXUAL, SIR!

One more, for old time's sake.

Later we saw Stephanie and her ill-advised pizza delivery to Brooklyn. Trump boomed on the soundtrack: "It was a bad move; SO I FIRED HER!" Settle down, Donald! We know what happened. The recap continued though, and as it approached the ten minute mark, we once again had a little more product placement for the Pontiac Solstice (insert Bren's testimony to his love for the car here) and then the always enjoyable shot of Chris cackling like a madman in the back of a cab. This, of course, was followed immediately by the even more entertaining footage of Chris bawling in the Boardroom as Papa Trump patted him on the back and sent him out into the world.

Then after fifteen minutes of Trump yelling, we finally cut to the live finale where we saw a chipper audience clapping inside of NYU's Skirball Center for the Performing Arts. Last season Carnegie Hall, this season the Skirball Center? What's next? The YMCA? The jungle gym area of McDonald's? (Yeah, that's right Skirball. I'm calling you out! Maybe you should stop sounding like Skeeball's less fun carnival game cousin and more like a real performing arts center).

Anyway, as we floated over the cheering crowd, the camera zoomed in on who else? Sugar Ray Leonard! Oh yes, that reminds me! I should watch The Contender this weekend! Thank you, Sugar Ray Leonard and NBC! Meanwhile, bitter flashbacks to December engulfed me as I feared we'd then be subject to another incongruous interview with the boxer to promote his show. Luckily, we simply went to commercial, and when we came back, the spotlight seemed to be squarely where we liked it most: on Trump. As The Donald said "Thank you, thank you" over and over again, the audience rose to its feet yet again (except NBC head honcho Jeff Zucker who happily remained seated). Wow, we're twenty minutes in and literally nothing has happened. Way to keep this finale tight!

Meanwhile, I couldn't help noticing that the final boardroom was setup like a goofy version of People's Court. Paging the mixed metaphors department: Trump runs a corporation, not an Appellate Court. Nevertheless, The Donald sat high above the stage in the equivalent of a judge's bench and even had a gavel. Maybe he was planning to yell "Order in the fake boardroom that looks like a court on a stage in a performing arts center!" Sitting oddly in two different witness boxes were George and Carolyn, each of whom had a sidekick in Bill Rancic and Kelly Perdew respectively. As for the fired contestants, they unsurprisingly filled up a jury box, and of course Kendra and Tana sat at the defendant's table. Unfortunately, there was no stenographer, leaving a bitter Rhona with little to do except wait backstage with a teacup full of arsenic for her ungrateful boss.

Anyway, Trump questioned Tana about the way she treated her team, and she immediately apologized for her disparaging comments. She then wrote everything else off by saying "My sense of humor didn't come out." I could just imagine Tana a few years from now: "I know you think me killing a hobo on the street looks bad, but honestly, my sense of humor just really didn't have a chance to shine. If you look at it, it's rather funny." Trump then leveled with her: "You have an uphill battle." Great. Should i even bother watching anymore?

Trump then tried to come up with a way to make Kendra feel uncomfortable, but he failed amazingly as the best he could do was attack her for crying in the boardroom. "I've seen 300 pound linebackers cry as they raise the Superbowl trophy!" she declared triumphantly, causing the audience to erupt in cheers. Yay crying linebackers! You PUSSIES! But then even Trump had to concede, "It was actually a pretty nice cry." So why did you grill her about it? He then added, "The Trump Organization has the very best cries in the world. Our crying is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR industry."

Somewhere in the middle of this, we then cut to Danny and Erin who apparently were in their own competition for "Most distracting patterns EVER." Danny seemed to be in a paisley hurricane while Erin simply wore an outfit reminiscent of MC Escher's lizard drawings. Not sure who looked more ridiculous, but I think it's safe to say at least three or four children around America had epileptic seizures that night.

Anyway, the show ground to an awkward halt as Trump futzed up and asked a question to Kristen that was obviously intended for Erin. He wanted to know what it was like working for Kendra. Kristen simply looked blankly at Mr. Trump, not sure if he was truly addressing her. "Come on," he coaxed impatiently. Wow, this was incredibly uncomfortable. Next time, let's look into a dress rehearsal.

Trump soon improvised and refocused the question to be about Tana, and surprisingly, Kristen had nothing but kind things to say. Wow. Next up was Erin who also had nothing but kind things to say about Kendra. You know, I'd like to hear what everyone has to say. Surely, NBC would show us what happened when the six returning employees entered the Boardroom last week, right? After all, it was the cliffhanger. WRONG. Yes, in one of the major oversights of the live finale, the producers never showed us even one second of the interchange between Trump and workers. So what did we see instead?

If you answered "A fluffy segment about Bill and Kelly," you'd be correct! That's right. Because the producers think we actually care about these two suits, we had to watch a whole video montage about how well Bill and Kelly are integrating into the Trump Organization. Bill seemed to be doing okay, but Kelly was all over the map. He had been hired to oversee construction in New York City, but apparently, he was also promoting Trump Towers Tampa, an office building, and of course, Trump Ice. Rumor has it he also fetches lunch, pulls night shifts with the janitorial staff, and serves as Trump's chauffeur.

When we finished with this update, Trump informed Tana, "I still don't think your team like you very much." Maybe you should SHOW US THE BOARDROOM FOOTAGE! Instead, Trump babbled about the job opportunities the winner would have: overseeing Miss Universe or renovating a "uge" Palm Beach Mansion. Apparently these two options edged out three other jobs: head of makeup, director of shopping, and receptionist. Yes, the job offerings were mildly sexist, but if you really think about it, whoever wins will be doing just as little as Kelly and Bill, so it really doesn't matter.

Unsurprisingly, Tana said she'd choose Miss USA while Kendra opted for the mansion. Then it was time to return to "the jury." Trump asked Chris what he thought of Tana's leadership, and he ultimately answered, "I was a bit disappointed." When Trump asked why Chris was so calm, the hothead suddenly exploded, "I SAID I WAS A BIT DISAPPOINTED! TANA'S LEADERSHIP WAS UNSATISFACTORY TO ME. THAT MAKES ME VERY ANGRY! AND THAT IS A FFFFFFACT!" Chris then turned around and choked Audrey to death before hissing at the audience and running out of the theater. He was later taken down with five tranquilizer darts and can now be seen at the Bronx Zoo.

Actually, none of that happened, but he did have kind words for Kendra: "Outside of the show, I've been involved in some things that we're potentially gonna be doing together," he said as a dirty-minded audience began to snicker (Kendra and Chris, sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S...). When Chris finally caught on (a good fifteen seconds later), he yelled out angrily. "NO! NO! NO!" He then added "I DO NOT REFURBISH HOMES, I AM NOT A HOMOSEXUAL, AND I AM NOT HAVING SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH KENDRA!" And then Chris did that whole tranquilizer/Bronx Zoo thing again.

Next, Trump asked Florence Henderson what she thought. Oh wait, that was Carolyn. I didn't realize with the hair and everything. Anyway, Carolyn echoed pretty much everyone else's concerns -- she didn't like Tana's leadership or Kendra's lack of stepping up earlier on. Man, when did Carol Brady become such a hardass?

Here's the story of a lovely lady...

We then cut to commercial, and when we came back, we found Omarosa bobbing her head to the live band. Who is she again? Oh yeah, a woman desperately trying to cling onto the spotlight. Still, can't wait for the next Surreal Life!

Now it was time for George to speak, and he had nothing but warm, grandfatherly praise for everyone. "I have never seen anyone come up with more brilliant ideas and raw enthusiasm in my life," he said. He then revealed a t-shirt and said "I'm getting it bedazzled tomorrow!"

Trump then asked Kendra if she had an advantage because of her education. Huh? Didn't he ask that LAST WEEK? Why are we watching the same questions? The bloat-meter was approaching 100%. Things finally got interesting when a desperate Tana piped up about the famed Pontiac brochure that Kendra had made.

"What you didn't see was that I was the reason that the Pontiac CEOs loved that brochure, and it was because of the shape," she said, as a chorus of boos descended on her. Tana then added, "I also invented the Internet."

Actually, Kendra gave her props, saying that it was Tana's idea to have the circle design, and when Trump revealed that he had not known that, our favorite MILF from Iowa went berserk. For some reason, she had the delusional belief that this fact would somehow earn her a victory, and she began cheering and whooping and pulling all sorts of embarrassing things not seen since the Arsenio Hall show. Eventually Tana yelled, "Don't get me started!" Uh, Tana, part of being a professional is acting, you know, professional.

Well, how these women conducted themselves turned out to be the ultimate factor, and in the end, Trump unsurprisingly hired Kendra for the job. The winner immediately went over and thanked The Donald, who responded by making a weird little kissy face. After some hugs from her family and friends, Kendra then headed outside to fetch her new Pontiac Solstice. Trump meanwhile alerted us that The Apprentice Musical would be coming to town, thus making it official that Broadway is dead. The evening ended with Kendra driving away in a Pontiac commercial that I'm pretty sure was read by Matt Dillon.

And so ended a highly enjoyable third season for the series. There have been a lot of haters recently (Mark Berman, I'm looking at you), but just because the show's ratings have gone down doesn't mean it's any worse. I'm looking forward to this fall's next installment, and I'm more than curious to see how the Martha Stewart spinoff plays out.

What do you think? Did Trump make the right choice? Did you enjoy this season?

Dis Is Gonna Be 'Uge

ABC goes Trumpster Diving

After AMERICAN IDOL was an established hit and ratings grabber, ABC jumped on the bandwagon by doing a Primetime Live expose on Paula Abdul's alleged sexual rumpus with a former contestant on the show. In its never-ending quest to be a reactive network rather than proactive network, the alphabet will now be tackling NBC's television tuner THE APPRENTICE, by doing an unauthorized biopic on The Donald. The movie, expected to demonize Saint Trump, has caused the comb-over king to preemptively threaten a slander suit against ABC if, upon viewing, Mr. Trump finds himself with his panties a twist. Money, sex, scandal and really bad wigs. This movie is going to have it all, AND it just so happens to be airing opposite the Rob and Amber Wedding, which is reason enough to tune in.

Trump Unauthorized will be liveblogged when it airs Tuesday 8/9C on the ABC network.

Owen Wilson Is....The Donald

Good Times, Bad Timing

Tonight are the season finales for both The Apprentice and The OC. Sadly, in a bit of unfortunate scheduling, J-Unit and I are headed to Vegas for the wedding of an old college chum. Therefore, no recaps of the big episodes will be up until Monday. With any luck, we'll return with all sorts of amusing celebrity encounters, but until then, amuse yourself with this love story written by our very own Youcantmakeitup.

Fighting To The End

So in all the excitement that was Survivor's finale weekend, I sort of forgot about lil' ole Apprentice, but that's okay. It's not like anyone was fired (or hired, as it were). Yes, in grand NBC tradition, this so-called "Finale" has been stretched over two episodes, which means the really good stuff won't be on the air until tonight. That's not to say last week's show was without merit. There were plenty of enjoyable moments as the two finalists struggled to keep their event running smoothly, particularly a dejected Governor Pataki strolling around awkwardly without a flag. But who will win this whole shebang? My money's on Kendra for now. Let's take a look back, shall we?

The episode began with Kendra facing a dire dilemma. If she couldn't spruce up the gaming area in Webster Hall's basement, Playstation would pull out as a sponsor. Yes, I'm sure Playstation would gladly turn down the nationwide marketing platform The Apprentice offered them. Whatever, I'll humor this silly notion for the sake of entertainment.

Needless to say, Kendra quickly put Michael Tarshi in charge of the Beautification Club, ordering him to "Make it look nice." A little vague, yes? And with Tarshi at the helm, I feared Kendra would return to the basement three hours later to find it covered in black leather with dildos hanging from the ceiling.

Meanwhile, over at Chelsea Piers, Tana was doing some delegating of her own. She assigned Kristen, resident rocket scientist, the task of creating a brochure to be handed out to the athletes and attendees. This was a very integral element to the event, as the brochure featured the all-important itinerary and schedule for the sporting exhibitions. Surely Kristen, the genius behind the semen-themed Dove commercial, would have the creative facilities to take on such an important task. Oh, who am I kidding? The only thing this woman should be put in charge of is scaring away bums and ne'erdowells with her Halloween-caliber face.

Anyway, after all this brochure business was well established for a later disaster, we then cut to Chris maniacally running down the track with as evil a cackle as one can have. "I FIND RUNNING TO BE VERY AMUSING! MY LAUGHTER INDICATES MY STATE OF JOY!"

Well, Chris finally calmed down and got to work hanging some banners up with our old friend Brian, the former magician turned idiot. The two guys faced an immediate setback when they discovered the piping used to hang the banners was simply not long enough for the endeavor. That's okay, said Brian. Just let the corner of the banner flap over. "Good enough for government work," Brian rationalized. Yes, I'm sure that will really help Tana. "Mr. Trump, I should be your apprentice because my event felt was as efficient, friendly, and stimulating as the DMV."

Soon, this banner fiasco turned into an all out brawl as nosy Kristen arrived on the scene. "Here comes Kristen. She's such a spaz, dude," said Chris, adding, "SHE'S QUITE ERRATIC AND UNRESTRAINED WITH HER EMOTIONS! I DO NOT ENJOY HER HOSTILE VERBAGE!"

It just so happened that Chris was right about this, and sure enough, Kristen became a spaz about the banners -- a point that she too happened to be right about as well. Finally, Tana had to come in and regulate, which she didn't seem to do very well. Was she going to lose this over the banners?

The next morning, we were oddly shown footage of wild boars rooting around the suite bedrooms. Oh wait, those two hirsute creatures were just Brian and Chris lying in bed (not together... gross) with their shirts off. That's right: WITH THEIR SHIRTS OFF! Talk about unsettling images. The only thing worse would have been if Trump stumbled in wearing a banana hammock. Ew. Now I'm thinking about Trump without a shirt on. How does Melania deal? Oh that's right, the billions of dollars.

Two ways to lose your appetite.

Anyway, Tana woke up her workers at 6 AM, but like grumpy children, they simply curled up in their beds and moaned. Finally, Chris leveled with her: "Everyone's tired. Don't get pissed off." He then added, "DO NOT GET PISSED OFF! I WILL BEAT YOU, WOMAN! I WILL TAKE YOU DOWN! AND THAT IS A FFFFACT!"

After this morning madness, we then moved back to Kendra's team which seemed to be working nicely together. Playstation's rep, Aimee, returned to see if the basement gaming area had improved. Well, according to NBC it had (chimes twinkled on the soundtrack as if to say "Ah! The fairest basement in all the kingdom!") Aimee, however, didn't seem totally won over. "I think it's great presence for us down here, don't you think?" said one happy exec. Aimee replied with a terse, "We're getting there." What's the dealio, Aimee? Why you got to hate? This was a Michael Tarshi special!

Random story: I went to the E3 Conference at the Los Angeles Convention Center today, and while I certainly took my time playing video games, I must admit that a part of me really wanted to run into Aimee at the Playstation booth. Sadly, the only recognizable faces I saw were Blair from Road Rules, Michael Chiklis, and Gary Coleman -- a dynamic trio, if I do say so myself.

Anyway, back to Apprentice. As Tana's event approached (it started at 11 AM), things began to spiral out of control. Anytime anyone asked her about something, she'd respond with "I'm taking care of Governor Pataki and Bruce Jenner." In fact, she mentioned Bruce Jenner so many times I was surprised she didn't have a little shrine to the Olympian in her bedroom. Hey Tana, if you love Bruce Jenner so much, why don't you marry him? Or sell him some mascara?? Meanwhile, Tana's obsession with Bruce Jenner was most likely the only thing keeping her going. "I had to depend on these three idiots to help me," she told us in an interview. Wow. That was remarkably bitter. I thought Tana was supposed to be sweet and perky. She then said "I am perky. I'm a perky BITCH. Now get out of my way! I need to bedazzle something before I draw blood!"

Chaos continued to descend on Tana's event, especially once Pataki arrived. His wiseguy handler, appropriately named Vinnie, popped up and told Tana that His Majesty, Sir George Pataki had arrived and now was waiting around with nothing to do. Vinnie then grabbed Tana by the collar and seethed "Don't make me ruin that pretty little face of yours. The Pataki waits for NO ONE! Oh, and while I'm being a stereotypical Italian-American, I might as well say: fuggedaboutit!"

(My Cousin) Vinnie's GIGANTIC cowlick.

With all this mounting stress, Tana seemed disoriented, to say the least. "They weren't saying 'You've got beautiful blue eyes,' or 'Where can I get a tube of lipstick.' Has anybody got a compliment?" NO. Your shoddy comparison to the world of Mary Kay deserves nothing but scorn. Thing unlikely to happen: Donald Trump stopping contract negotiations and asking, "Tana, what's a good, long-lasting lipstick for Melania? Might I buy some from you?"

Well, as Pataki waited and waited and as Vinnie became surlier and surlier, Tana found herself in an even deeper pool of shit. Turns out the much-hyped brochure had come out, and brilliant copyeditor Kristen had printed verbatim gossip about the athletes. You see, the organizers of NYC 2012 had passed along insider info to Tana to help anticipate certain issues with the sports stars, but Kristen had literally taken that information and printed it up for the world to see. IDIOT. You STUPID IDIOT!

Anyway, Trump finally arrived (and so did that dreamy Bruce Jenner, grrrrowl!); so we were finally ready to get this shindig on its way. Ah, but first, the parade of nations! Yes, children holding flags from all the Olympic nations would walk down the track in a glorious procession of goodwill and unity. And leading this flock of juvenile nationalism would be The Pied Piper himself, Governor Pataki. Hey, everyone else gets a flag, why not Georgie? Pak-Man wants a flag, mommy! Okay, okay, we'll give you a flag, G-Pat. How about the American flag? Oh yeah, that's right. THERE IS NONE!

Yes, in a masterful flub worthy of multiple smacks on the head, Tana had no American flag for the Governor of New York. Kind of hurts that whole U - S - A chant Vinnie was gearing up to start. If it were me, I'd come up with some pseudo-modest jingoist bullshit like "Well, we didn't want the flag because we knew our presence would overwhelm the smaller, less significant countries. Like Canada!" Instead, Tana just shrugged her shoulders, slapped Pataki on his ass and yelled "Go get 'em, tiger!" Okay, maybe she didn't say that, but Pataki did march out with the children and used his unencumbered hands to wave to the crowd like the beauty queen he always dreamt he could be. Unsurprisingly, Trump was not very happy with the flag situation. "Big mistake," he declared. Dunh dunh DUNH!

There was more petty drama (mostly Tana dissing her underlings in front of Carolyn), but in the end, the event seemed to run smoothly enough, leading our fearless leader to declare, "You're looking at the next apprentice!" Really? Where? I don't see her. Oh you're talking about you?? Uh, yeah, um, next apprentice. For sure... "I got this job," Tana said proudly, thus paving the way for inevitable firing.

Over at Webster Hall, Kendra put on her Pun Cap and greeted the evening's emcee, Fabolous. "Well, aren't you Fabolous!" she said. NICE. Bet he hasn't heard that one before. If only Kendra could be as smooth as Tana around the rappers...

Anyway, there really wasn't much to talk about at Kendra's event. As far as I could tell, she seemed to be running a tight ship. Everything was working well and looked nice. Truthfully, Kendra was really on top of her shit (as far as we could tell from the editing). At the same time, she also had three distinct advantages over Tana. First, her event started later, giving her the extra prep time she may have needed (think if Tana had four extra hours. The flag and brochure incidents may have been corrected). Second, Kendra had a generally easier task in the sense that she didn't have tons of athletes and children and sporting events and antsy politicians to coordinate. Basically, she just had to set up the gaming kiosks, erect a boxing ring, and then make sure everything else was running smoothly (although I'm not saying that's a walk in the park). But lastly, Kendra's team was by and large way more capable than Tana's. Michael, Erin, and Danny are a bit chaotic, but they seem like erudite professors next to Brian, Chris, and Kristen.

Well, Trump eventually showed up at Kendra's event, and as usual, he was showered with attention and handshakes. I did notice two guys, however, who seemed completely unaware that The Donald was walking directly behind them. A brush with greatness! How could you not notice?? Anyway, Trump eventually got in the boxing ring where he introduced Fabolous by saying "My daughter likes you." Kendra then piped up by saying: "Well, that's FABOLOUS! Get it? Fabolous?"

Anyway, Fabolous eventually took over the mic from Trump, and good god, this guy has no energy. He was practically asleep in the ring. Yes, nothing excites a crowd like a droopy eyed man mumbling into a microphone. Either way, the event was a resounding success, and the producers could hardly find anything to create drama in it.

At the end of the day, it was time for each finalist to bid adieu to her worker bees. Tana let her "Three Stooges" leave first, lest the line between boss and peon be crossed. Yes, she was holding back "like an executive." Yeah, an executive in Elizabethan England maybe. Since when was there so much pomp and circumstance involved with getting into a car? It was clear that being a finalist had gone directly to Tana's head. Who else is already bedazzling a shirt for her that says "You're Fired!" Anyway, after the other three had finally left, Tana skipped out to her limo and escaped into the night with her executive status intact. "This event could not have gone any better," she said. Uh, actually it could have. You know, like with a proper brochure or an American flag.

Having a completely different experience was Kendra whose night ended not with a carefully executed dash to her limo, but with a group hug. Yes, homegirl was crying at the support she received from her crew, and you know what, she had every right to be emotionally wound up. She really did pull off an amazing event, as epitomized by the job offer from EA she received. "I almost forgot what it was like to work with people who believed... in me," she told us later. Yeah, she's not talking about you, CRAIG!

Anyway, the two ladies both arrived back at the suite and compared notes. Tana seemed shocked to find out that Kendra's team actually functioned well. We could see the jealousy quietly creeping into her increasingly insincere smiles. Eventually, the women moved into the bathroom, and as Tana stood by the sinks, Kendra slipped into a stall. The two continued to talk through the stall door, but eventually Tana simply decided to up and leave, resulting in a humorously awkward moment as Kendra asked "Who fought? Kristen and everybody?" This was followed by silence. "Tana?" Aw shit! Mary Kay left you on the pot alone! That hurts!

The next morning was the final Boardroom which meant time for lots of boasting and proclamations. Kendra kept with her standard "I have the complete package" line whereas Tana mixed things up with all sorts of nifty quotables. "High school students have the advantage... because we've fought for everything we've ever had." Well, except a college degree, but whatever. She continued: "I'm a shark in a goldfish costume." Or, you know, a wolf in sheep's clothing. Common saying. Once again, the virtues of education.

Well, the two finalists eventually faced Trump and his panel, and immediate scrutiny fell on Tana for her brochure. Carolyn did us a solid and finally read us a line: "Five gold medals, injured, won't swim, but is great on camera." Wow. Kristen is even more of an idiot than I ever thought. Most amusing about this though was Kendra's face which registered pure shock. Wow, that ain't FABOLOUS.

Trump then grilled Tana about the whole flag issue, eventually getting her to admit that she assumed there would be a U.S. flag in the international flag box (too bad the flag box was apparently made on July 3, 1776). The most glaring problem for Tana, however, was the way she treated her underlings. Carolyn, in particular, was quite peeved at Tana's arrogance and condescending attitude towards Brian, Chris, and Kristen. Tana tried to talk her way out of it, but it was a losing fight. Damn, she was going down quickly.

Anyway, Trump then moved on to Kendra, asking her about her team. Almost immediately she became verklemped as Michael, Erin, and Danny's efforts brought tears to her eyes. Sweet Tana extended a tissue in a gesture that seemed to say, "I AM SWEET!" Well, after this four hanky moment ended, Kendra fielded some questions about Danny and that initial chaotic meeting with the execs. Honestly, there was very little Trump & Co. could needle Kendra about. It was clear they were simply trying to get a rise out of her.

Finally, the two women went at as they tried to prove who was more worthy of Trump's love. Kendra ultimately took a page out of Tana's book by saying "I am the only person that has won three times as project manager. Tana's loss was to me." Ouch! Speak to the hand, Tana. Speak to the hand.

The episode ended with Tana and Kendra taking a seat on the couch in the lobby while the six other rejects-turned-workers shuffled into the Boardroom to spill the beans about their bosses. I'm not sure what everyone will say, but I'm fairly positive that Kristen will somehow make this experience about her. Maybe she'll talk about the Dove commercial again. Either way, I guess we'll find out tonight.

The Vonz: The Jukebox Tolls for Thee

Last night, Vonzell Solomon finally met her generically-produced, synthesized maker, and was voted off of American Idol. Not surprising really, and pretty much a deserved vote-off -- Tuesday night wasn't her best. I'd rather spend my time mourning the vote-off of Latoya London from a few years back, whose CD I still line up for each morn (dressed in my jazz pants best), only to be met with stares from those individuals who line up for OzzFest tickets months in advance.

That means that next week, as the Judge's had predicted, Bo Bice and Carrie Underwood will battle it out in what is sure to be a sub-dued, gospel free finale. I am looking forward, however, to hearing the new "singles" that each singer will perform, and their take on the same song.

Anyone have any predictions for what songs each performer will or should sing in the finale? I have a hunch the AI producers scour these message boards for ideas. (Bo singing a capella? Carrie being a cyborg? That was all me.)

Who's Destined to Be a Diva?

So we've finished another season of America's Next Top Model, and Bankable Productions has a fan for life. During this cycle, we had three girls who each represented different parts of the modeling spectrum. Kahlen has a classic beauty with classic proportions and she photographs great, but meeting her in person does not give the same kind of energy. As a spokesperson, Keenyah is your girl. She wows you with her presence, but at the same time sometimes leaves a little to be desired in her pictures. While she isn't fat by everyday standards, her weight and inability to control her appetite is becoming a problem. Naima has edge and flavor and takes good pictures, but her potential is masked by a subdued demeanor that at the same time is begging to get out.

After a little time with a few penguins, the girls get their chances to see Tyra face to face. I don't know about you, but I hardly recognized Ms. Banks. She didn't have any makeup on, or perhaps just not as much, and it wasn't that she was unattractive, just different and something I didn't expect to see. All three get to have some one on one, and the first one to go up is Kahlen.

These sessions with Tyra are always good to see how the girls are feeling, and they really seem to open up in a different way than they do in front of the cameras when they are doing their "diary" recordings. Last time Tyra had her mom along, but this time she was dispensing the advice solo. Kahlen talked about how she was never girly, never tall, and people said she had nothing unique. In this competition she can see that has all changed. Although this time is for the girls, Tyra always takes time to mention how she went through the same thing in some way, the girls cry, and then they move on.

Naima came in next, and when asked what she took away from the experience, she said that she had learned so much about herself. She used to have such issues with her image, hating her face and her body. She says now that she knows she has no room to hate herself. Tyra was impressed that in a competition where there is so much critiquing and so much talk about image, she could come away learning about self-esteem and being proud of what you do.

Then we came to Keenyah. Some people may think that I have been piling it on Keenyah over these last few weeks, but what am I supposed to do? Even when she isn't taking great pictures, she has the diva attitude. I like her spunk, but in this competition, some humility might motivate her to improve herself, and yes, that includes eating well. Keenyah is very focused on the competition, saying that she isn't doing anything that would potentially help others. She does eventually talk about her weight, saying her problem is she doesn't know if she's actually hungry or she just wants to taste something good in her mouth. Well, if all you needed was to put something in your mouth, Keenyah...oh, I'm not going to say it; that was too easy. Tyra tells her that although she should never feel like she has to be unhealthy, she has to realize that at her age, she is going to have to work harder to keep a figure more suited for high fashion.

For the first competition, the girls go to a warehouse, for what appears to be a runway show. One of the things I was surprised about this season was that there was really no runway component other than modeling some items with Miss J at Kmart, where Naima battled Rebecca for queen of the catwalk. Kahlen was excited at first because she loves the runway, but then got that defeatist look on her face when she learned they would actually be shooting a commercial. Could you imagine what would have happened if Kahlen was, like, a firewoman? "That cat looks pretty high up. I'm not good with ladders, just let it die." This wasn't just any ordinary commercial either, it was going to be for CoverGirl, the company that is going to give them a contract if they win.

I'm sure you probably already guessed, but the making of the commercial was quite humorous. These girls have taken some lessons, but that does not mean that they are polished. Everybody had trouble delivering their lines, and Kahlen started talking about milkshakes, and not makeup. There was a portion where each girl had to walk down the runway, a portion where they spoke a few lines about the product, and a portion where they feigned some sort of disaster backstage. Kahlen was worried that she would be judged too much on her performance in the commercial, and she clearly felt she did the worst. Keenyah, in love with herself as always, really started to play it up for the cameras, giving a little Right Said Fred wink every time she was about to make her turn.

As important as the commercial was, there was potentially an even more important shot that was happening just after - the CoverGirl close-up. Last year I was completely stunned by how well the girls did, and it was no different this year. The girls were looking to make it a very difficult decision. Here are their pictures:

During the first elimination, I was very tense. It's no secret that I have been pulling for Naima to win this thing, and while I am sure that I continued to tell myself that the sun would come out tomorrow if Naima didn't make it to the finals, I was still a nervous wreck.

Naima was the first to be critiqued, and overall the judges were very impressed by her CoverGirl shot. Nigel said that it really embodied the "sparkle" that you look for in a CoverGirl, and even Janice, who hasn't really had a lot of good things to say about Naima, paid her a compliment. While the close-up impressed the judges, they were completely floored with the way her personality shone through during the commercial. They said that she was the one that sort of set the tempo for the entire piece, so they asked her why they hadn't seen that yet before. Naima started crying a little bit, and even though we have seen her grow before our eyes, it was easy to see that she still had some problems with her past. Janice said it was O-V-E-R, and she can now forget that past because she is starting over for herself. What they didn't like from Naima was her walk, and they let her know it.

Keenyah was next, and we all know that she is never lacking in confidence. The judges were also impressed with her photos, but the said that during the commercial, she looked very fake and rehearsed. Kahlen was the last to be evaluated, and they were completely floored by her picture, saying it gave off a radiance. Janice said she would stop at that picture and look at it in any magazine. Kahlen still needs to work on her confidence though. Nigel said that during the shoot he was constantly looking at her even though she was always in the background.

Now for the moment of truth (or at least the first moment of truth for the night). Naima is called first. Yes! Tyra gave a spiel about how Naima opened the door by opening up her heart and her spirit. Whatever, I'm just glad that I am not going to have to have a pacemaker for at least another thirty minutes or so.

Choosing between Kahlen and Keenyah, Tyra pulled off one of the patented ANTM moves. You know, the "Each of you represents two different parts of modeling" type of thing. And this time there was a little twist: she had the girls face each other and then told them the qualities the other possessed that they each needed. For Kahlen, it is the personality. She is sexy on camera, and has that goofy tomboyish little smile thing going on, but you couldn't call her engaging. Keenyah has all the personality you could need, but when it came to the pictures, she just wasn't able to compete with Kahlen's ability to mimic any mood or character she needed for her shot.

Although I thought it would be a slam-dunk for Kahlen, I was not holding my breath, as I feel there have been some really big surprises during this season during eliminations. My gut reaction was correct, and Keenyah was eliminated. Her departure was very tearful, but I think it has been about five weeks in the making. Keenyah's confidence is very powerful, but her confidence alone is not going to make her pictures great. In fact, it seemed as if her confidence in winning people over with her personality almost hurt her, because she thought she was so good and therefore didn't need to work on anything. Was there a lesson to be learned in all of this? There was for Keenyah, who said that nothing is going to hold her back...unless she gets fatter. In the end what did her in was the notion that she was not high fashion.

So we are left with Naima and Kahlen, two girls who are just about as good of friends as you could expect any two people in their position to be. They were both happy to be competing against the other, but weren't going to let their friendship get in the way of their focus. After a trip to Tabletop Mountain to take in the great view of Cape Town, they were ready for their final challenge, and yes, it was going to be on the runway.

The two found Jay Manuel, and the butterflies were really starting to get to them. It's that nervous energy when you know you've worked so hard at something, want to do well so very badly, but want to get it all over with at the same time. Last year, the girls were thrown a little twist for their runway show in Japan when they had a catwalk with four sides square, and were forced to be a little subdued in their walk. In Cape Town, fierce was going to be the word of the day for their show, but there was more. The runway was going to be submersed - yes, submersed. Underwater. Splish splash and all that stuff.

OK, it's not like it was four inches underwater, but it was still underwater. Kahlen and Naima were having a hard enough time seeing the runway in the daylight. At night, with all of the people around, the cameras and the lights, it was going to be very difficult indeed. Miss J. came out once more for a little bit of instruction, and he said they had to stomp that water like it was the last thing they were going to do.

The actual show had three different designers, so each girl got to have three chances to impress on the runway, and I cannot believe the job they did. It was the first fashion show for either of them, but when they stepped out, it looked like they were pros. They worked it, and let it all hang out. Naima stomped through first, and was so fierce that Tyra even gave a little shout. (As Naima turned and walked away, we got a nice little ass shot that made J-Unit shout.) Kahlen said that the adrenaline got to her and she was imagining stomping out not only all of the girls that didn't believe in her, but the also girl who didn't believe in herself.

For the last designer, the girls were going to be lined up against each other. Describing the competitive nature of the night, Naima said that when she got out there she would look Kahlen in the eye and say, "bitch, this is what I got." All of the models came on for the encore, and since everybody wasn't wet enough, there was a little cascade of water at the entrance to the platform. Naima and Kahlen were both so overcome with the emotion of the event that when they got to the cascade, they just broke it down a little bit and worked out a little something extra for the crowd. After the show, Kahlen jumped on Naima, and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Fierce rivals and best of friends, they were going to make it very difficult for the judges to decide between the two of them.

The final judging has all of the panel looking back on the entire portfolio of work. Overall, Kahlen took the best pictures, but in the last couple of days, Naima came on very strong. I thought one of the best moments of the show was when each girl was asked why they think they should win. Kahlen said that she had been overlooked all of her life, and she never had to be that girl in the corner anymore. Naima started crying and said that she hated herself for so long, but when she walked in front of the judges that night, she felt beautiful, and she wants to keep that feeling.

I was a wreck for the last part of the show, because it was really up in the air who was going to win. Both of them looked like models. Naima came on strong late with that fierce presence, but Kahlen had a body with great proportions and one of the strongest portfolios ever on Top Model.

The winner was announced and it was Naima. Kahlen was devastated, because she really thought she did well. Again, she is able to transform herself in front of the camera, and after she was on the runway for the last competition, she finally took that feeling of confidence into the panel with her. But it was not to be - the girl who was always overlooked was passed over once again, and was left crying in the corner. Fear not Kahlen fans, her natural beauty may not have made her a top model on this show, but you know she has the potential to be in print or on the runway.

The night, however, belonged to Naima. She wasn't quite as emotional as Eva from last year, but you could see by the look on her face what it meant for her. During the first elimination of the episode, Tyra was impressed by how much of a journey Naima had gone through as a person. You can always say it was the editing, but I think there was always a sense with Naima during this cycle. She suppressed her emotions so her past wouldn't take control of her, but ended up stifling a lot of her best parts as well. The judges never saw her personality, but her inner presence propelled her to CoverGirl of the Week for the entire span of the season. Naima summed up her journey the best. She had always tried to figure out what the judges wanted to see from her but "what they wanted to see was me."

Tyra says she is uniquely beautiful and undeniably edgy. When talking about the win, Naima said it was important to her because of what she represents. She represents a black girl, a Mexican girl, she's part Irish, part everything. She's America's Next Top Model.

So ends the journey for this season of ANTM. Was Naima the right choice? Did Kahlen or Keenyah deserve to win?

Bice and Easy Does It Every Time

And we’re down to the final three!! Tonight’s episode may feature the best top three from any Idol: adorable Vonzell, the sexy/douchebaggy Bo, and the angelic sounds of Carrie Woodenwood.

Ryan Seacrest looks like he’s battling a severe form of tanorexia. He’s looking extra Simian tonight, and loving the spotlight as always. Tonight’s special guest is Clive Davis, the “Man with the Golden Ears and Platinum Liverspots”, who won’t hesitate for a second to tell you the artists he’s worked with and what a great guy he is.

The first round will feature songs chosen by Clive Davis… no doubt songs he all turned into “Numbah One Hits!”

We begin with our singers, and first up is Vonzell. As usual, looking gorgeous, in a $29.99 T.J. Maxx prom dress with cheap blue ribbon lazily tied around it. Now, as many of you know, I’m really hoping Vonzell makes it to the fina -- oh no! Vonzell!! You’re so out of tune! What happened my sweet?? I hate to admit it, but the first half of the song was dreadfully out of tune. Major unhappy face emoticon on my end over here. She ends on a nicely delivered glory note, but the kind of “glory” that brings to mind a legless Tom Cruise in a wheelchair: Good looking, but flawed.

The judges are none too kind. Clive tells her that she “hits the rights notes”(Clive: The Man with the Tin Ears!), but that she should have toned down that winning smile of hers for a song about heart-ache. For Randy, she pulled a major “Roger Clemens”, in that she was a “little pitchy”. (Thanks! I’m here all week folks!) The camera then moves to the right, and chekc it out -- Another sequel to "Weekend at Bernies: Abdul’s In Da House"! Who is pulling the strings to make this veritable corpse move?! “Little pitchy here” Paula barely spits out. And you can tell it’s killing Simon: How can he possibly make fun of Paula now that she’s a literal brain-dead retard. He can’t! There’s no fun in it! The judges are lukewarm with Vonzie.

Next: Bo. Now, I know people love Bo Bice. His chosen song is “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” (insert Michael Jackson joke here… no not there! You cheeky bastard!) I’m pumped, as this is one of my favorite George Michael covers, yes, the famous one where he says “Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Elton John!” and the crowd roars. I get chills eh-ver-ree time I hear it.

The camera cuts to Bo. Why does this asshole insist on wearing sunglasses? He looks SOOOO CHEEESY! I know the effect is “rock n’ roll”, but to me it’s more like “Walgreen’s $4.99 Ray Blockers!” Bo sings the song, and he’s pretty good, but honestly I just don’t understand why Simon practically gasms every time he hears Bo! He’s good. Good. But not ass-splodingly amazing!

And what is the deal with holding the mic-stand?! It’s called a STAND! Not a mic-wanderer or a cocked-mic-strollabout. A. STAND. Gimmick a break already Bo!

Breathe. Breathe. OK. So he finishes, and as expected, the judges just CAN’T GET ENOUGH! It is beyond me how they manipulate this show and people’s voting. But he – Bo’s definitely got something about him. Don’t misread my rantings – I like the guy. He’s got a great smile, always a good sign. I’m just…. baffled by him.

Next: Carrie. Carrie is sweet. She sings nice. See Carrie sing. Sing, Carrie, sing! Carrie sings Cryin’. Why Carrie sad? Carrie sound like Roy Orbison.

I wonder how much thought goes into Carrie making her brain making her heart beat. Ne’ertheless, a strong voice. I’m a fan. Two things: the lighting in this song sucked (she was in the dark for the first minute or so) and she looks like Lisa Marie Presley! Judges liked her, but Simon gives the round to Bo.

In the second round, the singers get to pick their songs.

Vonzell chooses “Chain of Fools”, a song I am officially sick of, and frankly, the “Chain of Fools” book slammed shut once Kimberly Locke had her way with it. Vonz sings it nicely, adorably – Clive wishes she would be more “soulful”. Clive: It’s American Idol! Give the girl a break, seriously. It’s not “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” (although that would make an awesome audition song.)

Bo comes out to sing a song I ain’t never heard called “In a Dream” by Badlands. He also chooses to sing the song without a band, and just a single dramatic light shining down unto his Christ-like-locks. John Frieda on line 2, Bo! Lots of flyaways. His voice was nicely featured here a capella, but I could not attempt to sing this song back to you for the life of me. It had hardly a melody. Again, impressed, but I wasn’t weeping openly like when my favorite little gay Clay Aiken used to belt it out x many years ago.

Needless to say, Judges freak out! Simon commnents that Bo is pretty much guaranteed a spot in next week’s finale. I’ll give him credit for being creative. And also for looking less bloated than from a few weeks ago. Bo – What’s your secret?

Carrie really does hit a home run by choosing one of my favorite Air Supply songs (following All Out of Love, Here I Am, Just As I Am, Lost in Love, and Here I Am Loving Love), Making Love Out of Nothing at All. The only issue I have with this show is that when you cut a 7 minute ballad down to 60 seconds, the performer just ends up singing the chorus over and over again, which can get repetitive and really kill a song. Thankfully, Carrie's undeniable talent overcomes this, and she really kicks ass.

Forget how she moves – she can outsing any of the other competitors in this competition. Randy tells her, quote, “You can blow, dude!” I then take a 10-minute long bath in de-licing powder to wash away the memory of that. Paula then spittles a little and claps her hands like a half-aborted seal. And, p.s., look how small Carrie’s hands are! Haha!! They can barely grip a mic! I bet Simon just lurves that about her.

For the final round of songs, the judges decide what the kids will be singing.

Vonzell, again, is first. For her, Simon has chosen “On the Radio”, the Donna Summers classic. Vonzell begins and sounds exactly like Summers herself, and then – what’s this – Vonzell breaks out into full-on Jazzercise mode!! Look at her go! Grapevine that shit, Vonzell, Grapevine it, Girl! Listen, only a handful of women can move like that in heels, and 90 percent of those women have penises, so credit where it’s due: Vonz has got the moves. She sings the song pretty much exactly like the original, which isn’t going to gain or lose any points for her.

For Bo, Paula has chosen “Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover.”

Kidding!

Instead, Bo sings “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction”, and I still kind of gag. Mic stand goes on another whirlwind tour of the Idol stage, and Bo pretty much sleepwalks his way through it. (Which reminds me: Has anyone seen the Stephen King movie "Sleepwalkers"? The one with the cat-people who suck people's souls out of their bodies? Doesn't Bo kind of look like one of those people?)

I’d probably really like Bo if he had a style update. He’s a cute guy! But really. People, I’m staring right at you. Is this really our next Idol? I know many of you feel strongly so, please share with me. Again, he’s unique – I wouldn’t be upset if he won (vs when Rubin won and I spent the whole night biting my pillow). Judges practically run on stage and cart him off on their shoulders like Rudy Ruetteger.

Carrie finishes the night off with Randy’s chosen song, “Man, I Feel Like a Woman.” Great, a song where the chorus is SPOKEN. Great! She does an OK job, but considering my level of hatred for this song, that’s like the utmost compliment.

Overall, Bo is nearly a lock for the finals, and I’m afraid Carrie will be there right with him. I think Carrie is almost as good as Kelly Clarkson, just minus the personality and the bedonkadonk. I can’t wait to see Bo in cornrows though – you know that’s gonna happen!

Frank Gorshin Back In the News...

1934 - 2005

He's the man who made lime green body suits with punctuation marks cool. Frank Gorshin is best known as The Riddler in the Batman series. He was also the first "celebrity sighting" I had in LA when I moved here. After an awkward "hey aren't you....." he shared stories of the Batman days and even paid for my lunch at Jerry's Famous Deli. It was a real life TVgasm moment. It was the only time I spoke to the guy, but he was good people. Sadly, last night Frank Gorshin passed away and I just wanted to posthumously thank him for the years of entertainment and the roast beef on rye.

America's Trashiest Home Videos

Excuse me one moment while I throw up. I just finished watching Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, and now I suddenly have the overwhelming compulsion to boot my stomach's contents into the nearest toilet, wastebasket, or perhaps vase. It's not because Brit and Kev are nauseatingly idiotic, but rather after an hour of swirling home video footage that makes the Blair Witch Project look like Kubrick, I'm feeling just a tad bit of the old motion sickness. Truth be told, I wasn't sure if I was going to even recap this reality trainwreck, but after just one minute, I knew this show had to be torn apart... savagely.

The episode began with the most unholy of images: an extreme close up of Britney and Kevin kissing. Yes, every acne scar on her face and ever pubic hair on his chin was in full, glorious view. Please let this image not be the standard for the hour.

Next we heard the first of what would be many banal comments by Ms. Spears. "My ideal guy will be someone that hasn't really seen that much." You know, someone with a small mind, limited perspective. An idiot, if you will. Ah, but then Britney elaborated: "I'd like to see through him." Well, luckily she found K-Fed, as transparent a guy as there ever was. Oh wait, she meant vicariously? Oh, well, then Kevin Federline is still a great choice. Now Britney can relive those magical moments: the first time she impregnated another woman, the first time she wore a do-rag, and the first time she finished almost all of the crossword in People Magazine. Yes, Kevin would be able to take her on a magical journey.

Moments later, our eyes were nearly blinded by an extreme close up of Kevin's face as he muttered, "I care about you." Aww. Ain't he the sweetest? He possesses the basic emotional state of a relationship! Oh, and for those of you wondering: yes, we got to see them kissing up close and intimate yet again. Man, this was going to be such a romantic show.

After this obnoxious opening montage, we finally got to hear the big intro theme song, which apparently was sung by all backup singers. Wait, hold on, I think I hear a duck dying. Somebody save that bird! Oh, never mind. It was just Britney's contributions to the vocal track. Moving on...

The next home video gem came courtesy of a little night-vision action. I reasonably became excited at the prospect of another sex tape scandal, but sadly, we were only privy to Britney making funny faces in the camera. Oh look, she's making her nose look like a snout! Oh, and now she's crossing her eyes! And now she's sticking her jaw out! Oh, that's good times. I remember when I used to do that... WHEN I WAS EIGHT.

We then cut to a still shot of Britney's knees. "They look like boobs, but they're not," she said. Yes, that's because they're KNEES, you moron. Okay, to be fair, she accurately pointed out that they were in fact knees, and I really shouldn't be so harsh on her searing commentary. It's not fair really. It's like making fun of a toddler for having bad grammar. (Taking a moment to reflect on how much more money Britney earns than me. Yeah, that hurts).

Anyway, Brit was in London for some concerts, and so she happily gave us a tour of her hotel suite. There's the dining room. There's the living room. And oh look, there's a piano. The perfect accompaniment for a musician. Now, if only she could convince us that she's a musician...

Okay, this has all been fun, but now let's have a serious discourse about relationships, commitment, and life. Yes, Britney decided to hold a roundtable discussion with her stylist and a random repairman who just happened to be fixing her couch (mayhaps a wayward Cheeto disabled the sofa?). It was refreshing to see she surrounded herself with such intellectually stimulating peers. After some muffled, banal remarks, Brit then focused the camera on her frumpy assistant, Felicia, a woman who looked like the composite of every girl in my Hebrew school (with a Southern accent though). Needless to say, she had a schnozz. Anyway, Felicia was one of those giggly, "Why you asking ME this??" people, and thankfully she was off the TV relatively quickly. However, no Felicia means more Brit. And more Brit means more idiotic comments.

"My ideal guy I think for me will be somebody that's... um... cool." Wow, she has got to lower her standards. She'll never find a guy with those picky requirements! Wait a second. People say that I'm cool. That means that I could be her husband! Call me, Brit!

Later, Britney and her crew headed to the UK version of TRL (same show, only instead of Carson Daly, they have fish and chips. It's actually much more enjoyable). "I get real antsy in cars!" said Britney, adding, "I done get real nervous-like without my keg of Cheetos next to me. Yeah, that's right. I got Cheetos on tap."

Luckily, a D-12 song came on the radio, effectively distracting Brit from her eminent antsy breakdown. She immediately began singing along with Eminem as he crooned "These chicks don't even know the name of my band." Honestly, I'm not even being a Britney hater when I say her voice was atonal, nasal, and full-on awful. At first I thought she was trying to sound like Eminem, but no, she was really singing. How does this woman have a record contract?

OKAY EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING! It's Felicia Cam! Literally. A little title came on the screen to verify this. Yes, our favorite bashful assistant was helming the camera now. Anything could happen! What would this young Jane Campion capture? Uh, nothing. Just the backs of Britney's two lumbering bodyguards. Great job, Felicia!

After TRL and Felicia Cam™, Britney decided to pester her dancers with questions about commitment and marriage. Once again, we sat through a series of vacuous responses as pretty much all the dancers said they really weren't into marriage. Oh really? A dancer who's on the road most weeks of the year doesn't like commitment? I never would have guessed!

Well, Britney bonded with one of her dancers as they both moaned about not having a companion. "We'll both be Bitter Betties--" started the dancer. "Together!" said Britney, joining in. The two then giggled loudly. I could just imagine Britney guffawing, "Haha, you said 'together' too! That's hysterical! We said it... together! HAHAAHAHAHA!!! That's rich. Pass the Cheetos."

We now pause for boobies.

Later, we found Britney huddled in the backseat of a car, explaining how Felicia just had to get laid. Seriously, there has to be a toucan around that would be into her.

After the car ride, the Brit posse arrived at Wembley Stadium for her big show. "You guys are gonna get to see my peeps in the hizzio!" Britney exclaimed. Oh and by the way, Snoop slang is now officially dead-izzle. As for the actual concert, Britney told us that "I'm not really nervous." Yeah, the lip-synching can really take the edge off of performance anxiety.

We then moved to another day as Britney stood on her hotel balcony and looked out over London. "There are the paparazzi taking pictures of me down there!" she boasted as she zoomed in on the street below her. To our shock we saw... mothers pushing their children on swing sets. My god! They're hiring children now! Have the paparazzi no shame! Oh, by the way, a few moments later, we saw that there actually were some photographers down there. Damn them. Documenting her every move for profit! Her life is personal! And I know that because I was watching her home videos on UPN. Shameful paparazzi.

Anyway, the whole experience caused our pop tart to muse philosophically. "People can take everything away from you, but they can never take away your truth." Huh? That makes no sense. Literally. Not one iota of sense. "Can you handle my truth?" Britney then asked. Quite frankly, I can't. Because your truth is retarded.

Hey look! It's the Snapple Lady! Oh wait, it's just Felicia. Yes, our shy assistant popped up on camera to introduce the day's big question: what's your favorite sex position? Pressing issues! Luckily, all of Britney's entourage was too inarticulate to make any thoughtful or witty replies. Her bodyguard made the only attempt at a clever response by saying "in the bedroom," but this befuddled Brit as she declared him "so sweet!" It really wasn't that sweet. Honestly. JC Chasez, meanwhile, got sucked into this mess (no pun intended) as Britney hounded him with the question over and over again. He modestly shied away from the camera, saying that there were just too many positions that he loved. Fascinating. Eventually the whole segment ended on a blithely idiotic note as Britney found herself distracted by a mirror. "This is weird. We're looking at ourselves in the mirror!" she said. Yeah, that tends to happen when you see your reflection. You should check out the window. It lets you see through walls! I know, crazy right?

Felicia moonlights as the stunt double for Wendy the Snapple Lady

Finally, after what felt like hours of this nonsense, Kevin Federline showed up looking like the dirtbag hobo that patrols my neighborhood. With greasy, unkempt hair and a patchy beard, K-Fed reminded us why we should never let pop stars date people in homeless shelters. Britney of course described her first encounter with Kevin quite romantically: "He was very, um, very mysterious. He just seemed not fazed by anything." Mysterious? Not fazed? Okay, basically, he was passed out in a gutter when she tripped over him.

"I rubbed KFC in my hair this morning. It was pretty sweet."

Well, as the story goes, Britney met Kevin at a club and then flew him out to London to be with her on the tour. It was during these magical days that we caught up with the couple in the second part of Chaotic. Brit tried to capture her beau on camera, but he flitted away, crying out "I'm camera shy!" Yes, as evidenced by all the photos he's taken for Details, People Magazine, and any other publication willing to give him more than three seconds of attention.

Ah, but the best Federline philosophizing was yet to come. Britney asked him how he felt about marriage (she explained that this was some reverse psychology trick to make him think that she didn't like him. I don't really get it. She flew him across the world. Kind of hard to play that shit down). Anyway, regarding marriage, Kevin said in a torturously slow cadence: "I feel that love is love. Love has... love is a commitment. I don't believe in marriage. I believe you can get married." He then added, "Anyway, in case you haven't realized, I'm a complete idiot."

Then coming in like a breath of fresh air was Mo, one of Britney's security guards. He informed us that he hated Kevin at first. He thought he was just along for the ride. Really? What gave you that impression? Kevin's general poseur ways? The fact that he's been steadily climbing the Hollywood social ladder ever since he left Fresno? Or maybe just the dollar signs in his eyes and that strange KA-CHING noise that follows him around?

Well, Britney was in love with K-Fed, although, she admitted that if she could marry anyone, it would be Brad Pitt (start the Aniston breakup rumors now). She then asked Kevin which celebrity he would marry if he had the chance. "None of y'all!" he answered, adding "I'm just kidding! I already impregnated an actress. I'm a complete star f--ker! Literally!" Okay, I made that last part up. Clearly Kevin was being serious when he said "None of y'all!" After all, he doesn't believe in marriage. Love is love, DUH!

By the end of the hour, the courtship of Kevin suddenly intensified as Britney bragged that they had had sex three times in one day already. So much for that whole plan to make him think that you don't like him. "I'll give him my vagina, and then he'll really know I don't like him. Reverse psychology again!" Anyway, Britney told us all this on yet another edition of FeliciaCam™, which featured an annoying lopsided camera angle for about two minutes. At the end, Felicia giggled, "Please tell me it [the camera] got this!" Yes, it did, and it's SIDEWAYS! You may have noticed when you were holding the camera in your hands SIDEWAYS!

As for the future Mr. Spears, he had made himself quite at home in Britney's posse, not even caring that he was holding up the whole crew as he got into his clothing. Britney bugged him over and over to hurry up, but she just didn't get it. It takes a while to get into an extra-long white t-shirt. Respect that.

Honestly, by about forty-five minutes into the program, my voyeuristic impulses had given way to general boredom and malaise. Not even Britney's moronic "interpretation" of a painting could save this hour. I know I'll be watching every week, if only to provide commentary, but man, these two make Nick and Jessica seem like Pierre and Marie Curie. Their life isn't so much "Chaotic" as it is simply "Dumb."

The most symbolic image of the entire show.

Rock the Boat, Work the Middle, Change Positions

Last week was a very sad one on Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Inferno II as our biker boy Brad was eliminated by Abram. Man, did that ever suck. There were just so many more annoying people that I felt should have gone first. But hey, Abram stepped up and performed when he had to, and that is the essence of the Inferno. Before Brad and Abram had their match, Brad helped us demonstrate some of the more crazy things that can happen when you are drunk. A wedgie from The Miz turned the waistband of Brad's boxers into a necklace, and turned Brad into a raving lunatic. But if you thought the drunken antics would be eliminated now that Brad is gone, you surely don't know Derrick or Landon.

If you watched any of the Philadelphia season of Real World, you know that Landon loves to get drunk, and when he gets drunk, sometimes bad things happen. Remember that time he almost pulled a knife on Mel's friends? Her friends did suck, and maybe you were actually rooting for them to get poked, but I think you know what I mean. Landon got so drunk in the beginning of the episode, the producers thought it was worthy of the groggy vision filter on the camera during the footage of him walking outside.

The guys on this show are naturally competitive, although some may say it's just too much testosterone. Landon says a few things to Derrick like "Your sister was enjoyable," which naturally starts a fight. During the fracas, Landon is slammed up against a car, and Derrick somehow has his ear nearly ripped off. Landon has blood on his back somehow, and Derrick is sent to get stitches.

Returning to their house, Landon had trouble walking up the stairs, and this wasn't just a "oops, I tripped on the stairs" type of thing, he literally couldn't hold his equilibrium long enough to walk vertically. If I had a choice of driving with Landon or Ben Sanderson from Leaving Las Vegas (you know, the guy who drank himself to death), I would choose Mr. Sanderson every time- at least that guy knew he had a problem. With the help of his friends, Landon was able to make it up the stairs and into his bed, where he promptly passes out.

Any time you pass out so hard, and you are sharing a home full of idiots, you have to watch out for people drawing things on your face. My 2+ years living in the fraternity house taught me this. Never fall asleep anywhere unless a door is locked behind you. People will come in and draw all over you, doesn't matter where you are. They likely will write something very nice like "PUSSY" on your forehead or perhaps a cock and balls, most likely with a dotted line of pee/jizz aimed towards your mouth. The same fate befell Landon, as Mike started the festivities with an "ENTER PENIS HERE" on his back with an arrow pointed at his ass. Everybody else proceeded to give Landon some impromptu Sharpie tats, and then Derrick came home.

Derrick was really upset that he didn't get to have fun while people were drawing things on Landon, not to mention there was barely any room left on his back to write anything, so Derrick decided on his own remedy. He grabbed a pair of clippers and put a nice little bald patch on the back of Landon's head. Waking up the next morning, Landon was unfazed by either prank. You sort of had the feeling that this kind of stuff happened to him...a lot. He joked about it with Derrick and wasn't upset at all.

Landon didn't really know what to do about the bald spot, but everybody was encouraging him to shave his head, and not in any normal way; he had to shave his head in a way that would truly be worthy of the very special idiots that comprise the show. Whenever somebody is about to get their head shaved, it is like a national rule that you must first do a hard target search within a mile perimeter to find if there are any black guys around. Karamo's gone, but Darrell is around, so he got the nod, and shaved Landon's head, but left two racing stripes of hair just in case. Dan said it best, commenting that it looked like a "landing strip for dumbass airlines."

For the next competition, they were to wear swimsuits in their team colors and tennis shoes, and when they got to the beach, they found Dave Mirra with a bale of hay, a plastic cow, and a papier mache wolf. The competition was called "Riddle Me This," so you knew that it was going to be some sort of puzzle. I love it whenever there is a puzzle challenge or somebody decides that the competition has a component that requires some form of high-level thought. There is always this scramble to decide who is the smartest. "Oh, you want to two semesters of college? I went to three," or " You finished the ENTIRE crossword on the plane!" and "You can read?!"

This challenge wasn't really that difficult, as the three items are a variation on a puzzle that we all likely learned as kids. You have a cow, a wolf, and hay. You have to get all three to an island across the river, but you can only carry one item at a time. If the cow is left with the hay, it will eat the hay. If the cow is left with the wolf, the wolf will eat the cow. Julie picked up on this right away and whispered the instructions to her team. The Bad Asses really didn't know what was going on, but decided to go along anyway. Hey, the bad guys had enough trouble with the "wear swimsuits of your team colors" portion of the challenge, so who knew who was responsible for the deep analytical portion of the game.

As the competition started, Julie read the instructions to make sure she was correct, and she had nailed it on the head. The Good Guys got into their boat with the cow and began paddling for the island about 100 feet away, with the Bad Asses right behind them. They came back to shore, picked up the hay, and got to the other side. Since you can't leave the cow with the hay, you had to bring the cow back. When they got to the shore, they took the wolf to the island, and the final trip was with the cow once again.

The Bad Asses had followed them pretty well, but everybody is an alpha male on this team, including the lesbians, so nobody was working together or giving any leadership, which slowed them down just a little bit. To make matters worse, they were taking on water every single time they got in and out of the boat. It wasn't all that terrible, but it was really funny to watch them sink farther and farther down. The Good Guys had put the cow back on the island and were trying to leave when the Bad Asses tried some strategy. They decided that they were going to block in the Good Guys' boat so that they couldn't get back to the other side. Well, that's great, but eventually they were going to have to put that cow on the shore, and when that happened, it gave the Good Guys enough of an opening to paddle back to victory. In this week's moment of karma/cosmic justice, the Bad Asses managed to capsize their boat because it kept on filling with water. They just barely made it back to shore.

This win gave the Good Guys $50,000 and the Bad Asses $60,000. The game is still close, and anybody can win it. Inferno participants this week had to be decided next, and it was going to be a choice once again between Veronica and Tonya for the Good Guys. They decided that if Julie was picked, she would say Veronica; she really wanted to just pound her face in. If Jamie or Shavonda were picked, they would choose Tonya, who they felt was weakest.

The Bad Asses were all set to pick Julie, but then they realized they might try some shady shit again and switch the names. Now, this is not a shady tactic. The reason why the Good Guys picked last is because they won the competition that day, it's as if the producers wanted to give the winners an added advantage. If they wanted fairness, they would have had the teams submit the names to Dave Mirra and let him read them out. Still, Rachel was worried that her schmoopy would be next to go, so she went and asked the Good Guys if they were cheating or not, because that would be bad. Not only was Rachel completely transparent in her attentions, but their whole team forgot how they were big advocates of shady behavior and sabotage not a few hours earlier with the boats. She looked them in the eye, and they said they weren't going to switch votes.

When the two teams got together, the Bad Asses picked Julie, and when she got up Veronica also got up, thinking her name was going to be called. I don't know why the Good Guys caved, but they didn't have Julie call Veronica's name. Instead, she said Tonya. This made me mad because I know how much drama picking Veronica would have caused, but maybe I should stop wishing for her demise in the Inferno and just hope that she loses in the final challenge. That would be just as good.

Richard Heller's Fatal Attraction

It took us awhile, but we finally have discovered the purpose for this season of 24. It was more than the kidnapping of a cabinet member, the destruction of a nuclear power plant, or the downing of Air Force One. No, it's the threat of a missile with a nuclear payload. CTU wasn't able to stop the missile before it was launched, so now all of the efforts must concentrate around preventing the loss of life. Luckily, it will take the missile an hour or two to get to its location. Yes, something can be done, but time is running out.

Although CTU was able to capture Marwan, they didn't receive as much information as they had hoped. His laptop was intact, but there was no way to track just where the location was because the transmission was encrypted. Now, even though an encrypted packet might prevent you from seeing the contents of a transmission, it does not necessarily mean that you can't track the location. So Curtis can't decode the files, but CTU does manage to get some new insight into the threat. Not only did the terrorists manage to put the nuclear warhead on a missile, they were able to smuggle in parts of a stealth missile, so it was going to be even harder to track.

As you may have imagined, the news that an American city is destined to go up like a mushroom cloud is not sitting well with President Pussy. In the last hour some government agents were already caught committing what is in effect an act of war against the Chinese. When you are on the verge of war with a nation of over one billion people, the last thing you want to hear is that there is a city out there about to be annihilated.

We still have President Palmer around, and he suggests to President Pussy that they might want to put a Category 1 emergency plan into effect. This plan is put in place to ensure continuity of the government should some disaster happen in the country. The cabinet is placed in the bunker with the president, and Congress is shipped off to some facility in the mountains. But what about all of the minions? What are they supposed to do? President Pussy wants to evacuate the cities, but President Palmer thinks that wouldn't be wise. You might set off a mass panic, and besides, we still have Jack Buer on the case; shouldn't we give him a chance? After all, it looks like he was finally able too make a perimeter stick, and that's really saying something this season.

I think that a lot of us were contemplating a very brutal torture for Marwan, but Jack knows that Marwan has already succeeded in his main mission. He is probably prepared to die, and there isn't much Jack can threaten with in order to get him to talk. Instead, Jack decides that he is going to take the kinder, gentler approach and offer him a deal. Yes, a deal. All Habib would have to do is give up his entire ideology in the next minute or two and help the Americans avoid a disaster. But before he could say anything, Behrooz appeared in the room and shot Marwan!!! (Before I corrected this, I wrote "Behrooz shat Marwan" which may have been funnier when you think about it)

Oh, sorry, that happened like 12 hours ago and Behrooz was shooting his dad. We have no clue what happened to Behrooz, but it looks like the crack squad of CTU field agents (read: Curtis) was able to retrieve something that was of use: Marwan's cell phone. Edgar was responsible for decoding the SIM card, and he discovered that there was a very interesting incoming call placed a few weeks back. The incoming call was made from Richard Heller.

Wow, I thought that the CTU interrogation/torture would have been enough to make him talk, but it looks like he had a little something more to hide than he had previously let on. Buchanan dispatches a field team to find him in the Valley. Considering Richard has already been in CTU custody, tortured, and then exonerated, I think he is going to be slightly shocked when a few of CTU's finest come barging through his door. You could say that it's really going to be a Van Nuys surprise.

Considering there is a nuclear missile about to hit an unknown city at some unknown time, you would have to say that things are going pretty well, no? Marwan is finally captured, so even if millions of people die, at least we'll have somebody to strap down on the lethal injection table. Jack asks a couple of lackeys to walk Marwan out to their vehicles and commence the transport to CTU. Oh shit, Marwan is being transferred, and neither Jack or Curtis is traveling with him, which means the likelihood of an ambush is VERY high. And wouldn't you know, just as Marwan is placed in the back of the CTU paddy wagon, somebody uses some sort of anti-tank weapon to blow up one of the cars nearby.

Originally, I had thought that maybe Marwan had been killed. You know, whoever Nina worked for didn't want him in custody, or something, but I was wrong. The answer is much simpler than that. Once again, the CTU field teams royally messed up. I guess they believed that the only terrorists in the whole abandoned warehouse were the ones that were helping Marwan with his encrypted uplink. No sweeping the building, no nothing. He had explosives ready to keep CTU from following him into the sewer last time, wouldn't it stand to reason that he might have a backup plan? And silly me for wondering, but where was all of that fancy CTU tracking that they used at the consulate? You know, the one that will light up the communists in red? Surely Chloe has developed some filter to light up the terrorists some unique color as well. What is going on here.

CTU did have a perimeter around the complex, but I am not going to insult anybody's intelligence and say that it actually worked. Even though Marwan escaped using a CTU truck, he was able to ditch it and get in another vehicle, and of course there was too much noise on the satellite for them to to be able to track the new car that he is using. I guess CTU perimeters are as good at keeping people from getting into the perimeter as they are at keeping people from getting out.

So, it's about twenty minutes into the show: now is about the time where Tony and Michelle have their little office gab session, and like clockwork, it happens. The topic of discussion is Audrey and how she'll feel about Jack having to interrogate her brother after he already basically killed her husband. The receptionist in my office doesn't have this much time to gossip. In the middle of this, Tony sort of switches directions. At one moment, it is "Did you get those hourlies from Chloe and Edgar" and the next moment it's "Hey, do wanna get away for awhile?" Tony says they "have to be together, but we have to get away from this," to which Michelle replies "what, you want me to leave my job?" No Michelle, he wanted you to try on a suit that is not from the Hillary Rodham Clinton summer collection. Of course it means that he wants to leave, it was the job that drove you two apart before, he's not going to let it happen again, you moron. The idea that Jack lost the woman he loved likely also has something to do with it.

While those two lovebirds discussed how they would spend their lives if the missile wasn't headed for Los Angeles and the country was able to avoid war with China, Richard Heller was brought in kicking and screaming, literally. He was screaming that they can't do this, that there must be a mistake. He was begging for his sister to save him. Now maybe Richard is innocent and has nothing to do with it, but I hope that while he is in custody, somebody forces him to shower. He doesn't quite have that Ian-from-Survivor look to him, but he is getting pretty damn close to it.

Jack and Curtis return from being ambushed, and you can tell that Jack is really licking his chops to get a hold of some information from Richard Heller. Screw that sensory deprivation bullshit, he's going to get some results, and if it means a car battery and some fried testicles, so be it. Another thing I noticed is that I really would like to give Curtis a call and ask him who his tailor is. I mean, take a look at that shirt, still crisp like it came from the cleaners. My shirts aren't that nice after brushing my teeth. Granted, I don't usually bother to iron my shirts, but wouldn't Curtis' shirt be showing some of the effects of the various gun battles and whatnot? Sure, we have seen the guys change in the CTU locker room, but Curtis was held up at Marwan's telemarketing company for a while, and was getting all commando in it then. Maybe he has like five of the same type of shirts in his locker. I don't know, but it's all still very strange.

Audrey sees Jack enter as well, and right away she has a look of dread on her face. He basically just ordered the de facto killing of her husband. Even in the interest of national security, that takes a while to get over. She desperately begs Jack to let her do the interrogation. If she can't get him to talk, then Jack can go ahead and work his magic. What a great idea. It's not like every second counts. If takes another ten or fifteen minutes to get the information out of Richard, it's not like anybody is going to die or anything. Why the rush?

In the interrogation room, Audrey begins questioning her brother. Curtis, who is always trying to get some interviewing/interrogation/torture pointers, works the observation console from the outside while Jack peeks in on things using the one-way mirror. Audrey means well, but you know that a younger sibling is never going to listen to their older sibling's advice; it just never happens. Even when she says they have proof he made this phone call to a terrorist, he is still in denial. Even when she goes on to say that she experienced these people torture somebody firsthand, he won't say anything. Even when she says that they are going to hurt him until he talks, he continues to deny the existence of any knowledge of the day's events.

Richard won't listen to his sister, but there is somebody else that he might listen to - his father, Secretary Heller. You remember the Secretary of Defense, don't you? Remember he was kidnapped, almost beheaded on camera, and then sort of took control of CTU while Driscoll was still around? Then he inexplicably left for some unknown reason, and we haven't heard from him since. I guess he's old and needs his rest or he gets uppity, but you would think he had at least one more all-nighter in him. Secretary Heller is not about to endure the run-around this time. After a few more questions with a little more urgency in his voice, Heller tells them to bring out all of the good stuff.

Even though he has already endured some torture, Richard begins to weep and finally starts telling him a story. A couple of weeks ago, he met this couple at a bar. Everybody hit it off, and they all went back to Richard's house for a little bit of a nightcap. He started fooling around, then had sex, and they must have made the phone call while he was in bed. "So," Heller says, "let me get this straight. You were in bed with the girl, and then this guy was in the next room making the phone calls." Well, Richard was in bed, but we learned that it wasn't the girl he was interested in. He was making out with the guy, and the girl must have made the phone call. Talk about your awkward times to come out of the closet in front of your father. "Uh, I couldn't have made the phone call because I was tea-bagging this guy in the other room." His father does have a really disappointed look on his face, not because he can't stand that he raised a son that was gay, but because he raised son that was stupid and was seduced by terrorists.

Los Angeles wasn't the location of all the drama in this episode, however. Back in DC, President Pussy has assembled his cabinet, and they are accompanied by the Speaker of the House, who just happens to be the next person along the line of presidential succession. Now that he has had a chance to see the new president in action, Don (well we think his name is Don, they kept saying it as if his name was Tom) isn't too impressed. He notices that President Palmer is around, and he wants to know who is calling the shots. If the Vice President can't perform his duties, you don't call an ex-president to come in, you call the Speaker of the House.

President Pussy and President Palmer (I think I will call them P-Machine) at first clashed, and they do still argue whenever Palmer has to make a tough decision in the interest of American lives, but they now have a strange sort of rapport. They are sort of like a 21st century inside-the-beltway version of Laverne and Shirley. In order to placate Don/Tom, they set up a little meeting of the cabinet to discuss possibilities. Basically, it was a little bit of misdirection that inflated the Speaker's ego, let Pussy pretend he is making the decisions, and let Palmer continue to give his advice without getting in the way. The outcome of it all was that they were going to have interceptor planes flying over New York and DC, because those two cities were the most likely targets. Civilian evacuations, which had been a sore point, were not enacted, for fear of the mass panic it would cause on the East Coast.

With the little political battles now a thing of the past, everybody was free to focus on apprehending the couple that had tricked Richard into letting him use his cell phone, and you know, the man-on-man action. When the girl made the phone call, Marwan as able to hack the line (I'm just telling it like they tell us) and listen in on all of his conversations. Little did Marwan know that Richard had T-Mobile and he could have hacked his way in a lot easier. Although Richard couldn't remember their names, he did remember that they took a cab back to their own place, and from there, Chloe was able to find the cab company, and the driver who had picked them up remembered where they live. Assemble the CTU field team, Jack has to crack some skulls!

By now, Jack has realized that the only way for him to ensure that any operation is even a mild success, is that he can't have idiots around him. He needs Curtis, because Curtis ain't no sucka, and he has those shirts that look great under a kevlar vest, yet don't need to be ironed afterwards. But not so fast! Buchanan wants Curtis back at CTU, so without a second thought, Jack requests Tony. And after all that time he spent talking about how he wanted to make things different and get away with Michelle, you hope that nothing bad will happen to him while he's out in the field, like getting shot or something. But that's such an easy twist, the producers wouldn't go for that.

While in the helicopter on their way to the mystery couple's apartment, Jack gets on the phone with Audrey. Blah, blah, I didn't mean for you to see this. Yada, yada, I never meant to push you away. Who cares? Not me.

Getting closer to the apartment building, we get our first look at the couple. They looked sweaty and appeared to have just finished their own little love-making session. As the guy gets up to go to the bathroom, the girl turns over. Whoa! Is that Mandy? Season 1 Mandy? The one who is so good at blowing up airplanes and poisoning presidents with a handshake? I think it is! Mandy is obviously a veteran at this terrorism thing, so when she hears helicopters, she knows something is up. She puts her shirt on, kills her boyfriend, and gets ready for the impending raid on the apartment.

Jack enters the apartment complex. He made sure to tell the LAPD unit to stay back. I guess he doesn't want anybody upsetting the delicate perimeter balance that they have tried so hard to maintain for the past twenty-four hours. Jack enters the building with the Asian guy, and everybody else maintains positions around the outside. During the sweep of the apartment, they come across somebody sitting in a chair. They tell the person not to move, which is a fairly easy request to comply with because the person is dead. It's the boyfriend, and there is no sign of Mandy to be found.

Where is Mandy? She's making her escape. You would think that everybody would be at their best, but Agent Castle, who I have always thought was a prick, messes up and gets shot and taken hostage. Agent Castle was paired up with Tony, and so when Mandy comes back and says that she is going to kill Castle if Tony doesn't drop his weapon and his communications device, Tony stupidly does as he is told. Well Mandy can't take two hostages with her, and it's no use trying to run with a wounded hostage, so she kills Castle (who won't be missed) and takes Tony hostage. Good thing he got one last kiss in with Michelle, and got to hear her say "I love you." Still, I hope he didn't have time to put a down payment on that time share!

Jack tries to reach Tony, but of course his com is down. He frantically searches the building, comes across Castle's body, and knows that something terribly wrong has happened. Tony had saved his life, came back to work to serve his country, and now Jack had put him in the hands of an experienced killer. Actually, I think it is his fault he didn't just shoot her and/or Castle, but since everybody is piling it on Jack for the death of people who helped him, why can't we?

Well, there are two episodes left. I am kind of disappointed that I don't get to bring you the two-hour season finale, but you will be in the capable hands of B-side next week, and he LOVES two hour season finales. I love that Mandy is back (and I am excited to hear Mia Kirshner is going to star in a movie based on one of my favorite books, The Black Dahlia). We have two hours to (hopefully) stop a nuclear missile, avoid war with the Chinese, and get Tony back. I think there is still some time to introduce Kim and have her kidnapped somehow, but that's just speculation at that point. What do you think? Does the bomb go off? Does Tony die? Does Mandy somehow make it out alive (and do we get any more background on her whole situation)? Sounds to me like it's going to be great.

The Muppets take Kansas

Since I don't watch Desperate Housewives, I am usually not that up to date when it comes to the goings on at ABC. So, how surprised was I when I found out that the The Wonderful World of Disney was bringing the Muppets for a modern take on the Wizard of Oz with the appropriately named The Muppets Wizard of Oz starring the Muppets, Ashanti, Queen Latifah, and Quentin Tarantino? I was so excited I had to sit at my desk all afternoon at work because I had a boner from the anticipation.

I love the Muppets, and will sit through The Muppets Take Manhattan or The Great Muppet Caper at practically any moment of the day, any day of the year. Now, I will say that my excitement is slightly tempered by the idea of the modern-day ABC handling this event. Will the story suffer through what I'm sure will be a bunch of attempts to add a little flavor to the story line in a way that only fifty-year-old white television executives know how? Perhaps, but the Muppet humor usually shines through anyway. Take a look at the cast. Ashanti plays Dorothy, Kermit plays the Scarecrow, Gonzo the Tin Man, Fozzie the Cowardly Lion (a role J-Unit also played when he was 12), and Miss Piggy is the Wicked Witch of the West. That's one hell of a lineup.

So, go ahead and mock me, but I'll be setting my TiVo to record this when it airs this Friday night, May 20th, at 8 PM. Don't let my disturbing boner imagery prevent you from tuning in as well. Who knows, if it is good maybe we'll get that Fraggle Rock version of Pulp Fiction I've been clamoring for.

3,478 Episodes Later...

...and we've finally arrived. Tonight at 8 p.m. is the American Idol finale. This year, Fox Execs have upped the confusion ante by allowing America to vote for their beloved Idol using two numbers instead of one. That's two numbers, one for every opposable thumb Bo is missing.

I kid, I kid. This season has certainly seen its ups and tracheotomy scars, hasn't it? I just can't wait to see what fluff they'll be using to fill in tonight's hour long episode, followed by tomorrow night's 2 hour long circle jerk which (fingers crossed) will involve Corey Clark "doin his thang."

Keep reading to see who I'm pulling for (so to speak) in tonight's episode, and feel free to debate who the ultimate winner will be. Stay tuned for the recap!

UPDATE: The finale is NEXT week. I'm clearly waaaay to jazzed about it. Ne'er the less, watch it tonight. Ryan Seacrest will hopefully fight off Bo's aggressive sexual advances once again...

The Bachelor: Three Hours Of My Life I'll Never Get Back

[jadedbitch continues with our Bachelor recaps. You can read his blog at http://www.jadedbitch.com/.]

At long last, it is the final episode of The Bachelor! Before Charlie decides on live television who he will pick, we have to endure Krisily and Sarah visiting Charlie’s home and family in Montalk. The first to arrive is Krisily, who meets up with Charlie on the beach. He takes her to meet his friends Steve and Frank. “I feel like I’m home cause the beach at home is so similar to this,” gushed Krisily. Yes, and when I visit Hawaii, I feel like I’m at home too because the sun at home is so similar. And when I was in Paris, man, that moon really made me feel like home cause the moon here in Canada is just like it!

Charlie’s friends told him that they could tell Krisily was really into him, i.e. she would worship the ground he walks on. But what would the family think? Well Krisily was nervous, especially since Charlie’s mom was taller than she was. Krisily ran out of the room screaming, “Godzirra!” Yes, those tall people sure are SCARY. Let’s not even discuss the bone necklace Mum was sporting.

The next day, Sarah came to town to meet the ‘rents. Charlie reiterated that Montalk was his favourite place EVER, to which Sarah replied that she’d move anywhere for him. She did however, lay out the ground rules by saying she only wanted to get engaged if she knew it was right for her. Controlling, much? Seems like Charlie has to pick between a control freak and a…freak.

Everyone met with Sarah at the family home, where they put her on the BBQ and grilled her on a slow burn. Charlie’s friend Jack wanted more out of Sarah, but all she could muster up was a rehearsed, “I really really like Charlie.” She might as well have said, “I really really like broccoli.” Jack warned Charlie that he saw a control issue with Sarah, and that possibly she had whips and chains hidden away. Kinky! Jack didn’t keep this under wraps as he called her out on it at the dinner table. “I’m motherly,” Sarah claimed. “That’s just a nice way to say controlling,” Jack chimed in.

Later after Sarah had left, the family talked about the two girls with Charlie. His father told him that Sarah was a lot more mature than Charlie was. Um, has he met his son? A larva is more mature than he is.

During an intimate moment with the camera, Charlie broke down into tears as he couldn’t decide between the two girls/ His trembling lip and giant face made iim look like a cast member from Planet of the Ares. The two girls met up with him and host Chris Harisson where the news was broken that Charlie would not be choosing his girl quite just yet. He needs more time apparently. So, he will get to date the two girls in the real world, i/e. off camera.

Before the final dates were to be had. Back in New York City, Krisily met up with a very tired looking Charlie. He looks like he’s had enough of this show as much as we have. He then presented her with a gift, to which she told us some inane story about how she’s like a kid and that at Christmas, she likes to unwrap all the gifts under the Xmas tree that has her name on it, and then rewrap them. Why that’s just silly! Seriously, if I had a gun, I would have sucked back a bullet by now.

So the gift turned out to be a picture of the two of them snorkeling. “That’s so cool because no one’s ever going to believe I did that!” exclaimed Krisily. That’s right, Krisily, because no one watched the show and no one saw the FOOTAGE of you and Charlie snorkeling. Good thing you have a picture to prove it! Most people would settle for a nationally broadcast television show, but really what is that compared to a PHOTO.

Before I had a chance to rip my eyeballs out, we were back from commercial to witness the final date between Charlie and Sarah. However, it went by so fast that by the time I finished scratching my ass, it was over! What, no gift? Sarah got shafted! At least Krisily has that nicely wrinkled photo!

We were treated to a cheesy montage of clips that reminded me of bad karaoke videos. Through the magic of voiceover, Charlie described the two girls as he saw them. Sarah is “fun, keeps me on my toes, tells me to jump and I ask how high and I like that.” So Sarah’s a Dom and Charlie’s her bitch? Krisily is loyal, a good girl, one big sweetheart and will love you till the day she dies. What is she, a basset hound?

Finally it was time for the live event, where Chris Harrison spoke first to Charlie, then a babbling Krisily (natch), and a (Holy Bronzer, Batman!) very tanned Sarah B. In the audience was couple Mary and Byron, from a season of the Bachelorette that I did not manage to catch. They seemed like a nice couple, let’s see if they last/

We were shown footage of Charoie visiting his brother Jerry, Krisily going back to her family (Yay, more Nana!!) and Sarah returning to her spinster life with Lucy the dog. But now they were all back, and in front of a live audience no less! Are they seriously going to have someone get dumped in front of not only virtual strangers and viewers at home, but also their own family and friends? Wow, the sadistic level on this show has gone way up! Let’s hope it’s not Krisily as I fear what that might do to Nana, who once again proclaimed her love for “Chaleee” from the front row. Okay, she was fun at first but even Nana’s starting to tire out.

Loved the footage of the two families watching the show at home. Krisily’s family was the most enjoyable when they roared with laughter at Sarah Dub’s televised humiliation. And how can you not love Nana? Meanwhile, Sarah B’s family looked like they were having afternoon tea and congregating for their monthly book club meeting. Okay, there’s twenty minutes left and he still hasn’t chosen anyone yet. Please tell me they’re not dragging this out into a three hour torture session.

Well now they’re showing more one on one dates beginning with another babble session with Krisily. Seriously, this girl does not SHUT UP. Honey, Nana told you to open your legs, not your mouth! Now spread ‘em! Oh wait a minute, Charlie’s too much of a gentlemen to spend the night with Krisily! But didn’t he already do her in Aruba?? A close-up of a disapproving Nana popped up in the corner to show her dismay at the two not hooking up.

Wow. It’s after 10pm and Sarah’s coming out for her interview and Charlie still has not chosen. It is going to be a three hour torture session after all. Somebody fetch me the morphine! I don’t think I can go on. The temptation to give up and throw in the towel at this point is very appealing right now. I may have to retire from recaps after this is all over. The thought of another season of this is so mind numbing to me that I just want to go watch my Britney and Kevin in peace, aight!?

After much flicking back and forth, I finally return to the show and it’s time for Charlie to make his pick. Fortunately for the girls, this does not have to happen in front of the live audience, but rather backstage in private rooms. His first stop was with Krisily and he cut right down to the heart of things: he wasn’t choosing her. He even tried to buy her off in the end by giving her a bracelet of sorts. To Krisily’s credit, she held herself together seemingly well though she did finally shed some tears when Chris Harrison took her out for her exit interview.

Charlie FINALLY met up with Sarah in front of everyone to put her (and us) out of her misery by letting her know that she was indeed the chosen one. So apparently Charlie likes some hanky panky spanky? Some whips and chains and cuffs? Woof! I bet she just pours the candle wax all over him while demanding, “Who’s your Mommy!?”

Instead of proposing to her however, he gave her the doomed “promise ring” which means they’ll date for six months or so and then break up, sending Sarah back to the show as the next Bachelorette. And was there some sort of “Clap Now” cue going on because the audience would applaud and then stop, applaud and then stop, etc.

Well it’s over. Another bland season of The Bachelor managed to limp its way through all the way to the end. If there is indeed another season coming up, I don’t think I can mange. This may be my swan song, folks, and let’s hope it is for this franchise as well! Thank you all for reading!

CBS Announces Survivor Winner; Rob and Amber Still Manage to Get A Prize

I'm Jewish, so I don't really know what that whole post-Christmas letdown feels like, but I imagine it's something akin to how I'm feeling at this moment now that Survivor: Palau has finally run its course. Granted, other seasons such as Pearl Islands, Amazon, and of course Borneo probably outrank this go-around (barely), but after the letdown that was All Stars and the snoozefest that was Vanuatu, it was great to have the show back in top form -- which is why I'm so sad that it's over. The good news was that the finale had all those time honored traditions we do love ever so much: the last minute backstabbing, the bitter jury, and of course, the drawn-out tribute to fallen cast members. We even got a fire-making challenge tossed in as a bonus. The downside (and I say this with only mild criticism) was that the final voting pattern was fairly predictable, and even more shocking, Jeff Probst eschewed his standard secret-agent journey with the ballot box. Does CBS mean to tell us he did NOT parachute out of an airplane, land on an elephant, gallop to a hovercraft, float over to NASA, launch into space, orbit the planet, touchdown in Antarctica, teach a school of penguins to fly, ride the birds to Manhattan, jump on Spider-Man's back, and swing into the Ed Sullivan Theater? I don't believe it for a second!

Well, this two hour snarkfest kicked off with passing images of crabs navigating through various beach-side debris. As some of you readers may know, I have a certain fixation on the various critters that populate Survivor b-roll footage, and I was more than delighted to see Palau's crustacean community back in full force. Much more interesting than rats sniffing coconuts.

Speaking of crabs, Katie kicked off day thirty-seven crying out for help. No, she hadn't swung a vine into a tree again. Instead, she and Jenn had stumbled upon a picnic basket full of food. "Help us!" the two girls cried out, perhaps flashing back to childhood picnic traumas. Tom and Ian immediately rushed to their side but were quickly relieved to discover the girls were simply being dramatic. Katie? Dramatic? Now I've seen it all.

"It sounded like someone had been massacred!" exclaimed Ian, clearly never having heard a massacre. Tom later said he thought the girls had encountered a crocodile. These guys don't know what they're talking about. It was clearly a "We've been attacked by a picnic basket!" scream. Anyone could tell you that.

Anyway, as the significance of the meal sunk in, the foursome took time for a little group hug action, Golden Girls style. Sadly, the moment was quickly ruined as Ian's underarm odor wafted over the beach, destroying all wildlife in its wake. I was surprised Katie didn't turn to him and say, "Yeah, um, Ian. Maybe the three of us should hug while you stand like fifty feet away. Maybe you could hug that palm tree over there?"

Katie: "Why do I always get stuck in Ian's armpit?"

Well, everyone was excited about the food -- especially the chronically malnourished Katie -- and as the tribe chowed down, Tom of course translated the moment into fireman-ese, calling the reward an "atta-boy." Soon, it was time for the immunity challenge, but before we could get into that, we needed to give a little lovin' to our corporate sponsors. Yes, Probst introduced the contestants to one of those bright yellow Chevy Trucks that look to be one part pickup and one part Benny the Cab. "Go ahead and take a look around the Chevrolet SSR," said Jeff, later noting that the winner of Survivor would take one home. Tom then opened up the glove box, and out fell three DVDs of "Jeff Probst Presents Girls Gone Persnickety." Immediate awkwardness ensued. Okay, that didn't happen, but there was a check inside for one million dollars, just in case all these people forgot what they were playing for.

After taking care of all this housekeeping, it was time to finally attack the gargantuan immunity challenge, and man, if you think you're getting a full fledged description of this convoluted mess, you'd be wrong. Let's see if I can give even the simplest of overviews: each person would be tied to a rope. They would then have to navigate through an obstacle course and grab a set of keys and unlock something. Then there were knots. And then there was a huge structure and more knots. Then after climbing up, there was a grappling hook that would be used to grab rungs of a ladder. Then the ladder needed to be built. Then people needed to climb their ladder and at the top of this structure was a flag to be raised. Man, that's crazy. BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! The first two people to get their flags up would then have to race down a zip line into some water. In the water would be a pontoon. On the pontoon would be a bag. In the bag would be three different numbers. Those numbers would be the combination for a lock. The lock would open a box. In the box would be a flag. Finally, the first person to raise a flag would win immunity. Honestly, the only thing missing from this challenge was an army of robots to be defeated with coconuts and palm fronds.

Well, the event hadn't even started, and we already knew Tom would clean house. The immunity challenges this season have kind of skewed towards the physical, to put it mildly. Sure enough, Tom quickly dominated over his competitors, despite a five second lead by Jenn. Probst of course piped up with his color commentary, noting, "Katie struggling already." What a SURPRISE!

Later, as Tom groaned and puffed his way into an even more comfortable lead, Probst continued to harangue Katie. "Katie is either very worn out or not worried at all!" Or, you know, COMPLETELY inept at physical activity.

As for Jenn, she seemed to be keeping up with the big guys, but the grappling hook did her in as the complexities of tossing it seemed to elude her. Surprising no one, Tom and Ian raised their flags first and second respectively. And how about Katie? "Katie: nowhere close!" announced Jeff, just barely restraining the urge to point and laugh.

Well, the two ladies took a seat and watched as Tom and Ian duked it out, and as predicted, the fireman from New York won AGAIN. I must admit, I do feel badly for Katie. It seems like every individual immunity challenge has somehow relied on physical endurance, agility, stamina, or coordination. Beginning with the merge of both tribes, we've had an endurance challenge, an underwater challenge, a coconut lobbing challenge, and an obstacle course challenge. To the producers' credit, the last episode saw an immunity challenge reliant on a memory puzzle. The only problem was that it was IN THE MIDDLE OF AN OBSTACLE COURSE! Cut to Katie falling in the dirt twelve times. It's safe to say that anyone only mildly athletic would have no chance for immunity against someone like Tom.

Oooh! The limited edition Tom Westman bobblehead!

Anyway, after the challenge, Jenn tried some last minute attempts to curry Tom's favor, but not even her cutest pleading could win him over -- he could not betray his alliance. And so the whole group informed her that she'd be voted out, and after some tears and hugs, we saw the moon rise -- the official transitional shot for Tribal Council. Oh well. Guess this will be a pretty boring elimination. Or would it?

Instead of showing the survivors filling into Probst's domain, we returned to the foursome sitting around the picnic table, shooting the shit. Tom laughed that if he hadn't won immunity, he'd probably be next to go, prompting Ian to say that it would have been a very tough decision. Wait, why would it be tough, Ian? Aren't you loyal to Tom? Do you know something we don't know???

Well, actually, we knew about Ian's shifty ways, but Tom didn't -- until that moment. Yes, Ian managed to stick his foot in his mouth yet again (third episode in a row), but this time, he didn't have Tom to bail him out. You see, Tom felt like the decision to save Ian over Jenn was a no-brainer; so for Ian to say that it would have been a very tough choice made the old fireman feel very nervous. Hey Ian, way to not pull an atta-boy, JERK!

Of course Jenn immediately pounced on this rift, telling Tom that Ian's plan was to vote him off next. When Tom expressed shock and betrayal, Jenn then pulled a classic Jenn move by cooing "Ohhhh, you didn't know!" Oopsy daisy! Tee-hee! Jenny said a bad thing! I'm sowwy.

Well, even if Jenn may seem all cute and cuddly on the outside, if there's anything we've learned over the past few episodes, it's that she's a fierce competitor, and her next big move was to have Tom confront Ian about his disloyalty. Ah yes, would master wordsmith Ian be able to dismantle these accusations? Uh, no. Almost immediately, Ian became a flustered mess. He straight up admitted his secret plan to vote off Tom, and then when pressed about his broken promises, Ian simply let out a string of "but... but..." before resigning to that blank stare usually reserved for discussions about personal hygiene. Honestly, why didn't Ian simply deny the accusation? Then it would have been his word over Jenn's. Oh that's right. Because Ian's an IDIOT. As for Jenn, by forcing the confrontation right there before Tribal Council, Ian had no chance to pull Tom aside and say "Yo, don't freak out. I was only telling the girls what they wanted to hear." That is assuming, of course, that Ian would be smart enough to pull such a move. I wouldn't be surprised if there's a missing scene where Ian says "Tom, these girls are just playing us against each other. We've got to stand strong! Oh wait, you're not Tom. You're a clam!" We then see that Ian is in fact talking to a giant clam.

Huminah huminah huminah huminah...

Anyway, it was finally time for Tribal Council which meant we once again could revisit our old friends on the jury. Let's see, Janu still has her troll doll 'fro. Steph still has the Jersey perm. Gregg has yet to shave since leaving Koror. And Caryn looks triple-sassy in her colorful yet sensible outfit. As for Coby, he sashayed in wearing a cape/shawl hybrid fashioned out of what I imagine was one of Janu's spare skirts. Wendy Pepper he was not.

A 23 year old stoner girl leant me her tapestry. I turned it into a cape. Impressed? I thought so.

Once everyone had bustled in, Probst got to work with some passive aggressive remarks. He chided the tribe for arriving so late to Tribal Council, saying that something must have happened to cause the delay. Oh settle down, Jeff. What else were you planning to do that evening? Watch Desperate Housewives with Julie? Well, luckily for our host, there was plenty of drama to make the wait worthwhile. Tom once again laid into Ian for his intention to vote him out, causing Ian to stammer and stutter afresh. You know, Tom is basically just a more polite version of Boston Rob. Anyway, Ian claimed that he'd informed Tom of his plan to vote him out -- a move that might have made sense had Ian not denied doing so just two seconds earlier. Needless to say, all of Ian's squirming must have made Caryn feel somewhat vindicated. "If I could capture this moment and take it to JC Penney, I would be a very happy woman," she later said.

While Jenn smiled happily during the Ian meltdown, Katie pouted for some unknown reason. You see, she was hurt by all this. No one had asked her how she felt (hungry, in case you're wondering). Actually, she had something of a point. In Ian's attempts to get back into Tom's good graces, he'd essentially isolated himself from his alliance with Katie, and she wasn't about to let him off easily. "Have you lied to me in the past twenty four hours?" she asked. Amazingly, Ian stalled by reiterating "Have I lied to you in the last twenty four hours..." He then paused, looked up, and racked his brain for an answer. Hey Ian, how about saying this: NO.

Well, Katie did have some legitimate concern about this Ian/Tom situation. After all, if she and Ian vote for Jenn, and Jenn and Tom vote for Ian, the vote could move into a tie-breaker situation, potentially putting Katie at risk. Actually, according to the old purple rock routine, Jenn and Ian would be safe, and because Tom had immunity, he'd be safe too. So Katie would just automatically go home, right? Unfortunately no. As it were, the vote actually did go to a tie (sweet!) twice (SWEET!), but Probst changed the rules on us and had Jenn and Ian go head to head in a fire-building competition. Well, this won't be hard to predict. Sure enough, Ian built a raging inferno that was no doubt fueled by the volatile emissions from his underarms. Jenn, meanwhile, managed to light a flame only marginally larger than a birthday candle. It was therefore no surprise that our cutey-patootie was sent packing. Hey, at least she put in a valiant effort.

Back at camp, things went from tense to, uh, really tense. Tom continued to berate Ian for his lack of loyalty while Katie unsurprisingly fanned the flames. I guess it was a smart move to keep the attention off herself considering how she was just as guilty of betraying the alliance as Ian was. Nevertheless, Ian seemed to have no defense against the furor of Tom except "We're playing a game!" He then added, "And besides, I'm an IDIOT! Why do you even ask for logic from me?"

The next morning, camp was full of awkward tension, causing Ian to go off and cry in the woods. "I didn't come out here to be the villain!" he bawled. "I came out here to be the really smelly tall guy!" Unfortunately, there was little time for sniffling as the trio headed out to sea for the ODE TO FALLEN SURVIVORS - a.k.a. the time when CBS litters the ocean with old torches. Cue the upwardly sentimental music; it's time to reminisce!

First torch up: Jolanda. Oooh, crazy Wanda and one-ball John DENIED! No memories for you! Maybe next time you shouldn't sing songs and, uh, have one testicle. Way to not get picked, jerks. Anyway, after Jolanda came Ashley, whose slow-motion montage seemed to be a loving testament to her gigantic boobies. Look, here's Ashley bending over. Here's Ashley running on the beach. Here's Ashley emerging from the surf, water cascading off her massive chest like the submarine in The Hunt for Red October.

Thanks for the mammaries.

Next up were Jeff and Kim, and wow, no one had anything to say about them. I guess they really made quite the impression. Meanwhile, some poor sea turtle had to dodge Jeff's torch as it plummeted down to the depths of the ocean. Welcome to the ecosystem, LITTER. Also not getting any love was Angie whose torch similarly went down without any commentary. Come on guys, you can do better. How about "Oh, she was the girl with the armpit hair!" or "She was the one with the tattoos who actually seemed like a really friendly person and therefore shouldn't be on a reality show!"

A few names later (James, Ibrahem), Katie set Bobby Jon's memorial torch in the water, saying "You're hot!" Tom had nothing but praise for the island's resident Jesus Christ, saying he "Always conducted himself like a gentleman." Yes. Now let's look at footage of those snot rockets again.

Well, we didn't see the snot rockets, but we did hear Bobby Jon say "I can honestly say that I left every inch, every effort, every blood, sweat that I had in my body, every toenail out on that island." He left his toenails on the island? GROSS!

Later, we got to Janu's torch and heard her boast about spoiling the tribe's plans by quitting. Yes, you really derailed that train.. for three days! Oh Janu. How devilish you are! Finally, Katie dropped Jenn's torch in the water and expressed sadness at seeing her go, saying she was her best female friend out there. I'm sure Jenn really appreciates that... FROM THE JURY BOX!

Anyway, this schmaltz-fest eventually came to a close as the survivors paddled in to meet Probst at the final immunity challenge. After last season's elaborate stand-on-two-poles-and-hold-a-bow-and-arrow endurance test, I thought the show would return to the theme of antiquated weaponry poses. Maybe the final three would have to man a trebuchet? No, sadly Survivor got back to its roots by simply having Tom, Ian, and Katie grapple some buoys and stay there for hour after hour after hour. Of course, Katie was the first to hop into the water, but at five hours, she proved to be no slouch for once. Unfortunately, her effort paled against Superman and String Bean, who turned out to have way more resilience than anyone had expected. After eleven hours of standing on buoys, the two looked positively drained. Oh, not Tom and Ian. I meant Katie and Probst. Jeff tried to stir the pot with his usual nagging and instigation, but he only achieved minimal results.

Check out that pole-on-pole action.

Tom tried to do some negotiating, but using logic with Ian is about as effective as trying to wash a dolphin trainer. Basically, Tom said that if Ian jumps in right now, he'll take him to the final two, but Ian resisted. It made sense really because three hours later, Ian revealed his gameplan. He's going to jump in the water if Tom PROMISES to take Katie. Ah ha! Now Ian's guaranteed to win... wait what? What's going on? Ian wants Tom to take Katie to the final two? Why, this is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Maybe there's some rational explanation. Well, according to Ian, he couldn't stand what the game had turned him into, and so he wanted to martyr himself to repair his friendships. I suppose that's virtuous. Um, no, it's actually just stupid. Very, very stupid. I don't know how Tom can get all high and mighty about his "respect" when just a few days ago he declared that Survivor is an "all's fair in love and war" scenario. Ian basically sacrificed himself for sanctimonious hypocrisy and a manipulative tart (that would be Katie, not Tom). Well, Probst had the marvelous idea of holding an impromptu Tribal Council right there on the pontoon; although, I'm sure it was less of Jeff's plan and more just a general desire to not fall behind schedule - so take THAT, Probst and your so-called spontaneous ideas!

Anyway, Tom voted off Ian (although, if he were a real solid-gold champ, he would have nixed Katie as a gesture of gratitude to Ian. So much for paying it forward with the atta-boys).

Aww Katie. One last armpit for old times sake.

The next morning, Tom woke up from his deep slumber and told Katie that he had had the strangest dream. Why, in his dream, he had made the final two! No, Tom, you sillyhead! It wasn't a dream. It's real! Oh, you were joking? I didn't realize. I guess that's because YOU'RE NOT FUNNY. Wow, I don't know where that random anti-Tom bitterness came from. I tend to just arbitrarily attack these people. Really not very becoming of me. If I ever befriend Katie, man, that will be really awkward. Especially when I mention how I've belittled her on the internet for three months.

Well, with little else to do, Tom decided to shove the nice picnic table into the campfire and burn it down. You know, a random bonfire to celebrate, uh, the end of picnic table oppression? I really didn't understand the logic behind this fiery debacle, but I knew Tom was gung-ho about it. In fact, he was so eager to light up that table that he didn't even clear off any of the plates. Eventually, he and Katie left their burning campsite (way to go, FIREMAN), causing Tom to remark "The rats get it back now." But not the plates, stupid plate-wanting rats.

As the two trudged up to their final Tribal Council, Katie commented that even though she hasn't won any of the challenges, "I've played just as hard." Yes, in a not hard-working, lazy, floundering way. Okay, to Katie's credit, she has been pulling overtime with the scheming, and that does deserve something. But something tells me this holier-than-thou jury might not be so rational.

Speaking of the jury, we got to see what Ian looks like when he's all cleaned up, and sadly, it's just as bad. Thankfully, his patchy Johnny Depp beard was gone, but now he was rocking a 2003 Urban Outfitters ensemble -- I know because I have the exact same outfit tucked away in my closet, wristband and all. Seriously. Anyway, Tom and Katie offered up their opening statements, and for the most part, they seemed to articulate their points fairly well. Tom did his whole humble thing (again) while Katie said she played the only cards she could. Yeah yeah yeah. Let's get to the jury.

First up was Coby who provided a dependably venomous and self-serving diatribe. "I got issues," he said as his opener. "First. Which did you guys like better? My rainbow shirt or my pseudo-shawl?" Okay, he didn't ask that. In fact, he didn't ask anything at all. He simply ripped on Katie and Tom, telling the latter that "You played this game every bit as dirty as Ian did." Well, not dirty dirty like Ian. He only meant scheming-wise. Anyway, Coby finished his well-rehearsed rant and sat down without hearing responses from the finalists. Could have been better, Coby. Tsk tsk.

Next up was Gregg, the one guy I pinned to give a few softball questions, smile, and say "Congratulations guys. You did great!" Instead, Gregg immediately went for the jugular, telling Tom "I saved you!" Please Gregg. You were angling to vote Tom off. Don't pull the Burton card and act like the victim here. Gregg then turned his attention towards Katie and instantly made Coby's tirade sound like a long lost Mary Poppins song. "Katie, you were worthless around camp, you were insignificant, even embarrassing on challenges, you would think the least you could do was make some friends around camp. So my question to you is, explain to me and the jury how being so pathetic is your plan." Wow. That was pure evil. And here I thought Gregg would simply ask Katie what her favorite color was.

After Katie gave a teary answer, a sexy Latina stood up and addressed the two. Oh wait, that's just tantastic Steph. Anyway, she wanted to know why Tom went back on his word to take her along as far as possible. Tom said that he just couldn't go against his alliance and had to drop Steph. Katie, however, had a different story. According to her, Tom instructed her to vote Steph off. What?? Tom betrayed someone? I don't believe it! He's so humble!

"Why would I tell a person who maybe had an alliance with the four of us -- Ian, myself, Katie -- that we had to get rid of you?" Tom asked. Yeah, why would Tom EVER discuss strategy with his alliance? It just doesn't make sense. So you see, Katie is clearly lying. Good ole Tom would never betray you, Steph!

Next up was Janu who served up two dumb softball questions. "How hard was it to compromise your integrity?" she asked Tom. Hmmm... Wonder what he's gonna say? Surprise surprise, it was VERY hard to compromise his integrity! Although, truth be told, he didn't think he had compromised it. Oooh, nice twist!

As for Katie, Janu's big question was use three positive and three negative adjectives to describe yourself. Good one, Janu. I'm sure this will clarify EVERYONE's decision. Actually, it really might have since Katie snapped back that she wouldn't answer because "I don't expect your vote." Ooh, "Saturday Night Live" rejects Janu's vote! Saucy!

Our favorite civil rights lawyer Caryn addressed Katie and Tom next, and I was excited for what should have been a cutting, revealing question. Instead, she merely asked Tom what she was to him: a pawn? A friend? Ugh, the self-serving softball question. Whenever these sorts of questions are asked, all the juror wants are some compliments. Tom beat around the bush a little bit (that's a shocker) causing Caryn to reiterate: "WAS I A PAWN OR DID WE HAVE A REAL FRIENDSHIP?" Tom replied that he would let her heart figure that one out. Oooh! He just turned it all on you, bitch! Actually, the implication was "we have a friendship and you should know better" but the reality could very easily have been "I hate you so much but I don't want to say that."

Caryn then turned her wrath on Katie, asking her to explain her strategy more than just that she made alliances. Well, Ms. Tart 2005 had a few things to say about that. "The game is about making alliances, and that's why you're sitting over there -- because you didn't make one!" Caryn Groedel, YOU GOT SERVED! Oddly enough, Omarion appeared at Caryn's side and the two uprocked until Katie relented. It was pretty surreal.

Cameron Diaz then arrived at Tribal Council and -- oh, sorry, it's just Jenn. In a very calm and collected way, she told Tom that he seemed slightly chauvinistic and disrespectful of her game. "Your whole game was that you hid your game. I had no game to see," he replied. Oh. Well, uh. I guess he's kind of right. Good one, Jenn.

Finally Ian stood up and asked the only truly interesting question of the evening. He wanted each person to state why he or she didn't deserve the one million dollars. Katie gave some answer about having offended people or being lazy. But leave it to Tom to lay on the bullshit nice and thick: "I've already had my payday. The experience of being out here with you." SHUT UP! Honestly, this guy is going to run for office.

Well, it was finally time to vote. Janu wrote in favor of Tom, saying that he was the man who chose her for the team, and for that she was forever indebted. Wow, that was kind of sweet. Coby, meanwhile, voted for Katie, saying that she was the only honest person that evening. Believe it or not, I kind of agree. As unctuous and snotty as she can be, Katie laid it all out there and argued her case well. I wouldn't chide Coby for his decision.

As for the rest, well, we didn't get a chance to see. The closest we got was Ian who deliberated for a while, and just as his pen hit the parchment, we cross faded into footage of the fire. Mark Burnett LOVES doing that.

Well, the votes were all in which meant one thing: time for Jeff Probst to have an elaborate and ridiculous departure from the island. But whaaa? We were suddenly in New York City. How could they just cut to live? We need crazy antics! Weakest vote return montage EVER!

Well, with the show being live, we got to see everyone with their new makeovers. Katie had actually lost some weight (way to go, internet jerks calling her fat. Oh wait, that's me) and now looked eerily like Jenna Lewis from Borneo / All Stars / sex tape scandal. As for Probst, he had grown his hair out a little bit. Looked kind of dumb, if you asked me, but not as dumb as John (remember? The guy with one ball?) who later came out with a Seacrest 'do gone very, very bad. As for Ian, he was wearing the exact same outfit from Tribal Council. Yes, even the wristband was the same. Variety, my friend. Variety.

Anyway, results time. After only showing two votes previously, I had a strong feeling that this would be a Tom blowout, and sure enough, it was. Katie's only vote came from Coby, and the rest went to the big man himself, thus making Tom Westman the tenth Survivor winner. Much excitement was had, and we could finally close the books on this great tenth season.

Of course there was a reunion, but I think I'll give that it's own recap. This novel of a post has already taken entirely too long to write.

What do you think? Did Katie have any realistic chance? Did Tom deserve it? Did Ian make the right choice?

Royal Flush

CBS keeps Rambah-ling on.

Network executives have long been criticized and scrutinized for finding a working formula for great TV then abusing it to hell, and the Rambah train is no exception. After three Survivor seasons and an Amazing Race under their (expanding) belt, Rambah is 8 days away from the 2 hour special event that is their wedding. YAWN!

Last night during the Survivor Palau Finale, CBS unveiled their promo for the new special ROB AND AMBER GET MARRIED, and it hit me like a ton of bricks...I hate them. I guess I've been dancing around it for months, but I truly hate these two. He's cocky and she's on her way to heartbreak. I mean, the only thing he loves more than himself is the power of notoriety; she’s at best a distant third. These two need jobs, real jobs. No more coasting through life being rewarded for merely existing. These people have been on so many shows I didn't even know under what category to put this posting. Amazing Race? Survivor? The Player? I ultimately decided on Commercials, 'cause their entire existence has become bad salesmanship.

This is why I am boycotting the wedding special next week. If that show gets ratings, their deal with E! will be finalized and then they will never go away. I will be setting all TV's at my home and office to NBC on May 24th and I urge like-minded TV owners to do the same. Let B-Side's recap be sufficient. Like a decent meal, I have enjoyed them whilst they were around, tasted of their flavor, digested the memory and now it's time for the big flush...in non-articulate nor poetic verbiage, I guess what I'm trying to say is, once fine and dandy, they are now shit.

I suppose I would have interest in the televised divorce. FOX, you listening?

Caleb: Owner of a Broken Heart

The OC is winding down towards the season finale and like all shows about high school, if the kids are old enough, there are a couple of things you have to cover. One of them is graduation, and the other is prom. Most of you know how much I like prom episodes, so you know I was excited to see how the writers of The OC were going to handle such an event. But this episode promised much more, like what was going to happen to Kirsten after her accident, how would Ryan handle seeing Trey leaving Marissa's house, and just what lengths Julie would go in order to save herself from having to beg out on the street or marry another rich man in order to support her lifestyle.

Seth visits Ryan in the pool house, and they begin to talk about some of the aftermath of the previous night. Summer now hates Seth and Zach, but Seth knows that it has always been her dream to go to prom, so he has to come up with a way of convincing her. Ryan thinks Seth should just leave Summer alone. He got in a fight with Marissa, so he isn't going either. They are just about to go off on another little tangent when the phone rings. It's Sandy, and he tells them that Kirsten had just been in an accident.

Usually, we get some sort of joke or quip before the opening credits, but this time we cut just as we see this look of worry and doubt on Seth's face. "My mom was in an accdient?!". This would have been a lot more dramatic moment, except we already knew Kirsten was in an accident, so there was no suspense about what the phone call might be.

At the hospital, I have to say that Kirsten looks pretty good for being hit by in a car crash. She has a bruise on her head, and no broken bones. Uhh, I know that her rental probably had airbags, but she was hit by a garbage truck. So maybe she didn't have her spleen removed, but it wouldn't have been that hard to put her in a cast for a few weeks at the end of the season. When we come back in the fall, months would have passed and the cast would be gone. She could have been driving a tank and sustained more injuries. And although her injuries weren't severe, they still had to cut off her wedding ring? What the hell? What injury did she sustain that they couldn't leave it on? It's usually the last thing an e.r. would cut off. Was her ring caught on something in the car and they had to use the jaws of life to remove her? This makes no sense. No stitches. No staples. Nothing!

Seth and Ryan come in, and Kirsten tells them that she was distracted while talking on her cell phone. She says that she isn't hurt badly, but will need to spend a few days resting. Under these circumstances, Seth says that he will let her raid his DVD collection, so if she wants to Dawn of the Dead 2, House of Flying Daggers (j-unit recommened, btw). While Seth is boring his mom, a police officer pulls Sandy aside to talk about the accident. Looks like all the black people in Newport (we now have a tolal of, uh, 1) are in law enforcement. The officer says that Kirsten blew a .08, which in Cali terms means DUI, which could mean serious trouble for Kirsten. The guy must be good friends with Sandy, because he says that perhaps he read it wrong and she blew a .07, and that won't be a problem.

Sandy doesn't want him to pull any strings, but seems appreciative anyway. What I want to know is this. What hospital shows have these writers been watching? At what point between extracting her out of the the crash, the ambulance ride, and the hospital stay did they whip out a breathalyzer? But beyond that, what kind of hospital doesn't take a blood test when somebody comes to the emergency room for a motor vehicle accident? She would have had to have had tests to see about internal injuries, and part of the initial work includes getting an IV and some blood drawn. They would have done a BAC, and Kirsten would have been screwed, because expunging hospital records is no easy task.

At the high school, people are getting ready for the junior prom. All of this is supposed to take place the day after last week's episode, so I wonder why nobody was talking about the prom two days before it happened, but now that it is the day before the prom, everybody is excited and there are banners all over the place. Summer and Marissa are going over their guy problems. Despite wanting to go to the prom since she was in fifth grade and having a great chance at being prom queen, Summer is upset. Her dream was to have a stud of a date with a corsage. Instead, she gets the choice between a nerdboy and an assclown, not exactly what you would call romance. Marissa's problem with Ryan is lack of communication. She is still afraid to tell Ryan what happened, and Trey's visit the night before probably made it more difficult.

Seth is apparently none too worried about his mother's collision, as he is happily trying to decide what he should do about the prom and Summer. If I was in high school and my mom was in the hospital, I probably would stayed with her at least for a little while. If nothign else, I would have been a period or three late getting there. Seth apologizes to Zach, who apologizes back and they decide they are going to try and get over their differences, and hopefully Summer will forgive them. At that moment Summer comes up to them and lays down the law. She wants to go to the prom, but is tired of choosing between the two. Instead, she says that they should choose who takes her. She doesn't care how they decide, and that she'll be waiting for either one in front of her house the next night in a magenta dress.

Summer's two suitors barely have enough time to argue about who is going to take her, when Zach gets a text message from Reed. She needs to meet them for lunch at the diner. When they get there, they apologize, and say they understand if she decides to pull out, graphic novellus interruptus so to speak. Despite their bumbling, she says that Atomic County isn't dead. Un fact, George Lucas wants a meeting to discuss the possibilities of a movie based on the graphic novel. Because of the way they fight, only one person can go. She too is also sick of having to deal with both of them, and she tells both of them that they will have to decide on their own who is going to go and who is going to stay. They go back to Summer, and asks if she really still wants nothing to do with the decisions. She says they have to figure it out, so they settle on a coin toss, but they decide to wait until just before the prom, so neither one of them has a chance to back out of what they should be doing.

Meanwhile, Ryan finds Marissa and confronts her about seeing Trey. He says that he saw Trey leave, and flat out asks her if something is going on between her and Trey. Marissa is disgusted that he would even ask that question, but you kind of have to side with Ryan on this one. Since he got back from Miami, Marissa has been defensive, and Trey won't talk to him. Speculating that the two of them might be together is not all that far fetched. He can't read minds, so if people don't speak to him, he isn't going to know what is wrong. Marissa finally says that he should ask Trey if he is so interested, and leaves. Ryan takes her advice, but when he calls Trey's number, he is not at home.

Kirsten returned from the hospital soon after Seth and Ryan visited her. While she is resting, Julie brings over some flowers. That's very nice of her, but she wasn't interested in just Kirsten's happiness. Caleb is meeting with his lawyers, and she wants Sandy to take a look at the pre-nup, hoping that there is some loophole she can use to get some money. Sandy says that it looks like it is pretty tight. If they are married a year, she gets three million, anything less than that, and she is shut out. As long as Caleb files the papers in time, there is nothing that she can do.

While Julie ponders the imminent death of her lifestyle, Sandy goes to talk to Kirsten. He suggests that she go to rehab, but she doesn't want any thought of it. People will talk, and she'll be too embarrassed. Besides, she learned her lesson during the accident. She was scared, and for a moment, she thought that she might lose everything. To show her husband that she meant business, she went downstairs to pour out every bottle that was in the house, and invited him to join.

Even though Sandy is not really pushing her to get some help, Caleb is not going to do the same thing. He's upset that his daughter was drinking, horrified that she would drink and drive, and terrified that he might have lost her entirely. He tells Sandy that now is not the time for his softball technique. He lays right into Kirsten, who tries to be funny by saying she should have had dinner first, but Caleb goes farther, telling her she has to think of her children and what they would go through. Children? You mean child, don't you? Or is there another baby out there we don't know of? Finally, he says that he should have seen it coming because her mother was an alcoholic as well.

Kirsten had been taking his lecture fairly well, but when the subject came up about her mother, she lost it. She blamed him for all of the drinking. He gave the standard "I gave you everything you ever wanted" line, but she says he not only caused her mom to drink, but was the reason why Hailey left at seventeen as well. And then she says that "While I may love my chardonnay (and anything more potent than Scope or Robitussin), but I'm not going to die alone, which is more than I can say about you!" Damn! That one had to hurt.

After being called out by his own daughter, you know Caleb has to be feeling bad. In fact, he can't sleep, so he needs to go to his house to get his sleeping pill. Julie is there, and when she sees him, her face lights up. "Is this a booty call?" she says. She is slightly disappointed when it is not, in fact a booty call, but does listen to Caleb as he tells her the situation with Kirsten. Julie gives some advice, and Caleb says some nice words to her, the first time in weeks, but still wants his medicine. When Julie goes in to get his medicine, she takes a long look at the bottle, and then walks out. She hands them to him, but first asks if Caleb wants to get together one more time. He says that she shouldn't try and seduce him, but Julie assures him that if he has the papers written up, she'll sign them and they can enjoy the night together. As we cut away, it looks as if Julie took a couple dozen of the sleeping pills herself. Before she said she wasn't a killer, but the thought of losing everything has caused more than one person to take extreme measures.

Ryan talked with Seth on the importance of going to prom, something he learned from watching Saved by the Bell (but if we are to believe that Seth is 17, he was most likely watching episodes of Saved By the Bell: The New Class, and not the original, although I guess he could have been watching the repeats on cable). The next day, Ryan effectively apologizes to Marissa and officially asks her to prom. She is very excited, and Ryan seems happy, but our favorite slut villain (are villains in high school shows ever not sluts?) Jess has a little chat with him. She asks how she would feel about her brother's sloppy seconds, but Ryan defends Marissa. Jess knows that she knows some credibility and knows that Trey left for Chino, so she tells Ryan that he went back to Chino, and he should ask Trey himself.

It's time for Julie and Caleb's date, and she really pulled out all of the stops. Melinda Clarke is hot and usually looks great on the show, but she was amazing in her bathing suit. And you gotta love the little flower in the hair, right? She is busy making a very special batch of Margaritas for Caleb. This pitcher includes a whole lot of Ambien (even though I have never seen an ambien in a green and white capsule). She hands Caleb the divorce papers, and is ready to kill him, so she gives him the drinks. He isn't in the mood for a drink though, and would rather have a scotch. Curses! Julie will have to wait a little while longer before killing her husband.

Trey is playing pool at the only bar in Chino, or at least the only one Trey bothers going to. Ryan finds him there, and confronts Trey about Marissa. Trey thinks about it, and then says that he is sorry, but Marissa came on to him, he never meant for it to happen, but well, he's sorry. After hearing that, Ryan calls Marissa and tells her that he is too sick to go to the prom. Ryan is devastated, and doesn't know what to do. If only there was somebody that knew him well and could give him some perspective. Enter stage right(or actually, just across the street) - THERESA!

Among the long list of loose ends we have been asking the writers to take care of, it is Theresa. Supposedly, she moved to Atlanta, but Ryan hadn't heard from her in a long time, despite all of the letters he wrote. I am assuming he meant e-mails, because if he is 17, I don't see him writing actual letters. She says that she needed a clean break and that she was back to visit her mom. When Ryan fills her in on the whole thing with Trey, Theresa reminds him that Trey has always jerked him around. As for Marissa, she would do anything for Ryan. She even let Ryan go with another woman (Theresa) last year, even though it broke her heart.

Theresa knows Ryan and knows Trey, and it seems like Ryan decides she really is right about the whole thing. He really wanted to believe Trey, but in the end, he could only save him for so long before he went back to his old behavior. Ryan offers to take the groceries Theresa is carrying inside, but she doesn't need help, and seems a little worried that he might come inside. What exactly does she have to hide. Could it be? Is it really? A baby?! Yes! The baby! Finally we have our answer. Theresa did have the baby and Ryan doesn't know. As she walks in, her mother is holding the child and says "It looks more like his daddy everyday". But do we know who the father is? I don't think so and I still don't believe Ryan is the father. Perhaps the other black guy in Orange County got Theresa pregnant, although we would have to see evidence that there actually was another black guy in the OC for this theory to be proven correct.

Now that Ryan is beginning to sort things out, it's time for Zach and Seth to do the same. They do their coin toss, and although we don't see the results, it looks like they aren't happy with the outcome, even though they both say it is exactly what they wanted. It ends up that Zach got to take Summer to the prom, and he picks her up in a limo. By the looks on both of their faces when he opens the door, they are both going to live with the decision, although it might not be the one they wanted.

Seth is at the meeting with George Lucas, and I really just start to notice how strange this guy looks. I mean, he really looks like an ewok. And let's admit it, he has not done that much great since Willow. He has filled his time with a bunch of video games and Young Indiana Jones spinoffs. Eventually, you have to make a good movie, and remastering his old ones doesn't count. Anyway, Seth is pre-occupied with other things during dinner, namely, the prom. He asks George lucas if he went to his prom, and Lucas said that he didn't, that he was too busy drawing Ewoks and being creative to go. That makes Seth happy, but Lucas isn't finished. He didn't go to the prom, but he thought it was one of the biggest mistakes of his life. The Prom is an American tradition, and it's important to experience such things when you are a teenager.

It was such a random little speech, I wondered if it was at all true, and if Lucas was allowed to write his own lines, because the dialogue had the same uninspiring quality that we've come to expect from him over the last five or six years. It wasn't even that original. It reminded me of that scene in Mallrats where Stan Lee tells Brody that he shouldn't be so worried about comic books, because he would trade it all in to have another chance with a girl who made him happy.

Zach and Summer are at the prom, but aren't too interested in each other. As soon as they get there, she goes to talk to Marissa, and while they are dancing, Zach keeps getting interrupted by his cell phone. They just aren't the happy couple. They finally admit to each other the truth - Zach wanted to meet Lucas, and Summer wanted to go with Seth. Zach leaves to do his thing, leaving Summer to face the prom with only Marissa. The two of them were busy feeling sorry for themselves, and contemplating having a girls night out with "The Valley" first season on DVD. This makes about the tenth first season DVD of the Valley jokes we have had during this year. Move on to something else!

Summer and Marissa are about to leave, but before they can exit the gym, the prom queen is announced. It's Summer, of course, and she got her tiara. It's her dream come true, but there is nobody to share it with. Zach wins prom king, but he has already gone. Just as we are wondering how awkward it can get for Summer on the stage, Seth runs in. Zach had met him at the restaurant and gave him his tuxedo jacket. I think the limo driver went to the Chloe O'Brian school of driving, because it seemed like thirty seconds between the time we saw them leaving the restaurant and Seth walking into the auditorium. Seth isn't Zach, so people have no idea what he is doing there. They yell things like "Tool!" at him, but he is not going to be stopped. He tells Summer he loves her in front of the whole school while on stage, which is much more impressive than the lunch room on the top of a coffee cart.

And it doesn't stop there, because Ryan also makes it to the prom. Marissa thought she would have to cry herself outside, but Ryan comes in at the last moment, apologizes, and they have their last dance. I'm so glad that everybody got their chance to enjoy the prom tradition because as juniors, they'll never get a chance at another prom, until well, NEXT YEAR! They just wouldn't shut up about how this was so very special and you can't miss it. Well, it's not just that are most likely going to have a senior prom next year.(by the way, don't you think Harbor is well off enough that they could have done it at a hotel or country club and not in the school?) But come on! Take a look at Summer. Even though Rachel Bilson has fallen into the young Hollywood "get rid of your hips" trap, Summer is still one hot mama. She would have been asked to prom freshman and sophomore years as well. That's just how it is.

So you probably want to know what is happening withe Julie and Caleb, right? Caleb is resting while Julie goes for a swim. It's one of those "oh we should have done this more often" type of scenes we often get during divorce episodes. Julie gives Caleb his spiked Margarita, and before he takes a sip, he reflects and says "You know, I really did love you Julie." After this, Julie has second thoughts, and rips the drink out of his hand, saying she didn't put any lime in it. She dumps it down the sink and begins to make him another one.

Although Caleb didn't take a drink, it looked like Julie was going to get her wish. As she left to mix a safe margarita, Caleb felt a pain in his chest. He tried to call out, but couldn't muster more than a shallow whisper. He fell into the pool and started sinking to the bottom. Julie came outside and saw he was in the pool, dove in, and pulled him to the surface, but did she get him in time?

Before I answer that, we still have to talk about Kirsten. Although she said she through away every bottle in the house, she wasn't entirely truthful. She and Sandy decided to stay in and take it easy and watch a few DVDs. While she was bathing, Sandy went to the door to get their chinese delivery. He forgot his wallet, and when he looked in Kirsten's purse for some cash, he found a flask of Vodka. She she is done with her bath, he confronts her about it. He really doesn't want to baby her, but he thinks that perhaps Caleb is right and he needs to be more firm with her. They are beginning to really get into the argument, when the phone rings. Sandy answers; it is Julie on the other line and she says that Caleb has died. Kirsten picked a hell of day to try and get sober. She picks up her flask and walks to her room, unable to summon enough emotion to even cry.

So, I thought this was a pretty good episode. I am glad they didn't try and pretend that Kirsten could be cured in one day, and we finally got to see the baby we all knew existed. I am sort of disappointed that Zach basically gave up on Summer only a couple of days after he said he would leave the comic, but too many fans will revolt if Seth and Summer aren't having "awwwww" moments to end the season. My other big complaint is the fact that nobody was gossiping about Kirsten at school. There has to be somebody at Harbor who has a parent who is a doctor, nurse, or policeman and would have spilled the dirt. Somebody would have been making fun of Seth and his wino mom. I am really intrigued to see what will happen with Julie. She signed the papers, but with Caleb's death, she stands to inherit a lot more than she would have received in the pre-nup. I hope she gets it all due to something in Caleb's will, and Kirsten, Haley, and Lindsay decide to sue Julie, Anna Nicole Smith style. I am imagining that this season's finale is going to be a lot better than the one from last year.

"Hey!" Count: Episode - 9, Season Total - 305 [Thanks for the reminder luke's gay dad]

And Baby Makes Three

I have to say, the fourth season of Smallville has really left me underwhelmed. As we push on towards the last three or four episodes of the season, I am going to admit that I am not as eagerly anticipating what will happen at the end of this season as compared with the first three. As a reader e-mailed to me, I even let the television calendar lap me by not getting this recap up before a new episode aired. So please forgive me, as I never intended to adopt a Television Without Pity update schedule, it just happened. Anyway, on to the recap.

As the episode starts, we see two teenagers speeding down the road in a vintage muscle car. The girl in the car is pregnant, and the guy driving her looks absolutely lost. There is a little bit of a problem with the pregnancy, and he is on the phone with 9-1-1 saying that he needs help. As many of the problems in Smallville, the trouble they are about to have is something that you really can't fix in a hospital or by calling the police.

Taking another look at the young woman, her stomach is starting to move around like there is something big in there. Don't laugh, I know she is pregnant, but this baby doesn't look like it is just going to be a tough labor, it's trying to break out of mama like something out of Species II. When the guy sees that this is happening, he pulls off to the side of the road, and like any responsible father-to-be decides to leave the mother of his baby alone while she deals with the pregnancy. I am going to take a wild guess and say that he really wasn't that excited about being a father.

Just as our model parent is running off, the baby decides it is coming out, and it must have been one hell of a labor, because instead of a little crying, there was instead a huge explosion of energy. Needless to say, it looks like the mom did not make it. The explosion was so powerful, it sent a bunch of debris onto the road nearby, just as Clark and Lana were driving by. I am not sure where these two were going. Last episode we were led to believe that maybe they would try a relationship again, but wherever they went it look like they were driving Lois' GMC Envoy and not the Jeep Liberty Lois has had since last season. Actually, it looks like an Envoy in the color of Lana's Liberty from last season. Consistency writers, consistency.

As they go to investigate the scene, Clark and Lana find the baby, and see that nobody else is around. Let's see. Baby? Check. Explosion? Check. Crater in the ground? Check. Clark is gathering the evidence and to him it looks like it might be another baby from Krypton. Even though Lana says "Babies just don't fall out of the sky", Clark knows better. They take the baby to the hospital, and it seems fine, but since there is no sign of the mother, the Kent's decide to take the baby home with them so it won't have to spend it's time in a foster home.

Since Lana and Clark are both foster children, they seem to have a particular attachment to the new baby. In a bit of a surprise, Clark really takes to parenting. He's feeding, burping, changing diapers, the whole nine yards. The two of them name him Evan, since he was found in Evans Field. I bet the boy was glad he wasn't found in Big Pussy Field or on the side of Herpes Avenue, those names would have sucked. They are both enjoying the baby, but Clark is concerned about how attached they are getting and that Evan's real father is out there somewhere. Lana says that maybe the maybe the father is not around, and they should get used to having Evan around.

As much fun as a baby was, they didn't get to keep him that long. No, there wasn't any luck in finding who his father or other relatives may be, but something strange happened to the baby. When he was born, he came into the world with a sort of energy pulse, obviously caused by some sort of kryptonie something or other happening. Just after Clark laid him in his bed, another sort of energy discharge happened. It didn't hurt Lana or Clark, but when they looked over, Evan was no longer a baby, he was a seven year old boy.

So clearly, something very strange is going on. We have a kid who is growing at an alarming rate, and whenever he gets older, he is accompanied by an explosion. And whatever happened to him gave him more than just accelerated aging. Even though he has been on the earth for around 36 hours, he speaks perfectly and knows how to read. And even though he has been with Lana and Clark for less than a day, he is calling them mom and dad. Being orphans themselves, Clark and Lana want to tell Evan the truth, that they aren't his mom and dad, but that they love him very much and they are also very concerned with his safety. They don't know what is going to happen, and they can't simply go to the hospital, because nobody is going to believe them that this boy all of a sudden grew 7 years with a flash of light.

There is only one person who has done enough experiments on the effects of Kryptonite to be of any help - Lex Luthor. He has been experimenting on people, dogs, plants, and just about anything else with a chromosome in order to see what would happen. Although it hurts them to have Evan be subject to experiments, he is not going to live a very long life if they can't stop the growth process.

Lex has a lot on his mind, but he agrees to see Evan. Lionel is back to his old tricks, and Lex has had to be very careful. And I know that Lionel is supposed to be back to his old self. You know, he's not humble, he drinks again, and he is letting his hair grow, but god damn! Could they not have found a better way for him to grow his hair long? Perhaps some cornrows or something? Right now, his hair hasn't reached the length where it is even manageable. It looks like he has this giant pubic hair Q-tip growing out of his scalp. It's quite ridiculous.

Anyway, Lionel recently came to Lex in order to warn him about Genevieve Teague. It turns out that Genevieve was the one that pulled the strings to get Lionel released from prison, and she wants to collect on her favor. She asks Lionel to get the sacred stone, or "element" as she called it, from Lex, because she believes that he brought it back from China. Lionel tells her that Jason has it, but Genevieve says that he is not smart enough to pull off such a deception, and warns Lionel that bad things will happen to Lex if he doesn't cooperate.

Lionel informs Lex that Genevieve is dangerous, and that he should watch out, but Lex doesn't believe him. He is still wary of his father, and knows there has to be an ulterior motive. Even after Lionel says that Genevieve had Brigette Crosby, Lex is still skeptical. Lex just can't believe that Lionel is doing this because he loves his son. Despite his son's lack of faith Lionel really is interested in protecting Lex. He goes back to see Genevieve, and gives him a strong warning of his own. She better leave Lex alone because he will make sure she pays for anything that happens to him. For good measure, Lionel poisons her drink to show her he means business. He has the antidote, but to save herself, she is going to have to give up the stones that she has. This guy drives a hard bargain, don't you think?

But let's get back to the experiments. The Luthorcorp scientists are doing a bunch of experiments, and Evan looks pretty scared, but it turns out there may be some hope. After a few rounds of preliminary tests, the scientists have found some answers. It looks like Evan's body stores energy until it reaches some uncertain capacity. At that moment, it triggers a process of accelerated cell growth, and energy is released. He thinks they can slow down the process through a bone marrow transplant, but because of Evan's unique biology, the transplant will have to come from one of his parents. Since his mother is dead, that means they are going to have to try even harder to find his father. At that moment, there is another huge explosion. Evan has changed again, and it looks like he is now about fourteen years old. What a tough way to have to go through puberty.

In order to find Evan's father, Chloe had been working on tracking down the 9-1-1 call to the cell phone used to make the call. Through her contact at the phone company, Chloe found out that it belonged to a girl who was a senior in at Smallville, and Chloe even had reports of some strange things happening when she went into rooms, like lights blowing out, and stuff like that. Obviously, we can see that Evan took after his mom. She didn't have a boyfriend, but she did go to a party, and somebody there had accidentally ran into her and another guy sucking face that night. He didn't go to the high school, but since the party planner used e-vite to send the invitations (also the TVgasm preferred method for party invitations), they were able to track down the list of everybody who was there. They narrowed down the list, and Clark started asking questions.

Eventually, Clark's search found him at a auto repair shop talking to somebody named Tanner Sutherland. Tanner immediately denied having been at the party, but when pressed for more info, started telling his story. He did hook up with the girl, and she called the next day saying she was pregnant. He was kind of freaked out, but didn't say anything, but a week later, she looked nine months pregnant, and when the trouble started happening in the car on the way to the hospital, he just bailed. Clark tells him that he has a son, but Tanner's mind can't quite comprehend what happened. He thinks that whatever it is, it's "some kind of monster", and he doesn't want anything to do with it, including that bone marrow transplant.

Evan, now in his early teens, is quite the teenager. He overhears Clark telling what happened with Tanner to Lana, Jonathan, and Martha. They had been hiding what had happened in order to protect Evan, thinking that if he knew what his dad thought about him, it would hurt him too much. Evan gets upset and yells at Clark, he ends up running away. In the mean time, Lex has some more information about Evan. The next time his body goes through a transformation, the energy released will probably kill anybody who is nearby, the have to find out where he went.

When Evan went off, he was very angry. He goes to see his dad at the repair shop, but the experience is not quite what he was expecting. Tanner wants nothing to do with him, even though Evan just wants him to acknowledge him and say that he cares about him. That's not going to happen, and Tanner grabs a hold of Evan's shirt. Evan pushes him away, Tanner stumbles back, and impales himself on a piece of machinery that was in the shop. Tanner is dead, and his son just killed him.

Lex and Clark make it to the garage soon afterwards. They see Tanner is dead, and Clark notices a piece of Evan's shirt on the ground (Tanner had ripped a piece off when Evan pushed him away). With his father dead, any sort of hope to stop Evan's metabolic process is now over. The only thing they can do now is contain him so he won't hurt anybody else. They need to find Evan but don't know how. Clark goes to see Chloe to see if she can help with anything. Since Evan is much like his mom and disrupts electrical fields, they use the grid from the Smallville power company to tract any problems in the area. There were a number of disturbances mentioned, with the latest one being somewhere on the edge of town, a place where there really aren't any buildings. Chloe doesn't know why Evan would be there, but Clark does have an idea.

When Evan was just a young kid, you know, yesterday, he liked to read. Lana told him about all of the places that he could see, and in particular, he was interested in a windmill. After he accidentally killed his father, Evan went to seek comfort from the one person that he knew would always be there for him, his "mother" Lana. He can feel that another power surge is coming, and begs her to to take him to see a windmill. She take him to the outskirts of town, and to him, it's the greatest thing he can imagine. Well shit, he's only been on earth two days, so I guess a windmill does seem fairly impressive. He is just about to have his energy discharge when Clark comes racing up the ladder of the windmill. He tells Lana that she needs to go, but he stays with Evan. He is scared, but Clark says he is never going to leave him. Evan then tells him that although he never knew his parents, he was happy that Clark and Lana found him.

The energy discharge comes, and there is a huge explosion. We know that Clark will be OK, and Lana made it to her car and used it to shield her from the explosion. Clark comes out of the rubble, saying he made it out just before the explosion, but tells Lana that Evan didn't make it. When I was watching this, I thought Lana might pick up on something about Clark. Sure she has seen some strange things with him around, but she didn't find it at all unusual that he was able to come up the ladder without her hearing him, and he was able to shield himself from the blast when she had to use her car. I guess he's through asking questions.

Everybody is sad about Evan's death, but because of all the experiments they were able to do Lex says that it will help people in the fields of cancer and disease research to learn about his condition. His body went through changes that would have taken years of research, but he was able to receive findings in only a couple of hours. Lex tells Clark that he is going to release the results to any researcher who wants them, convincing Clark that Evan will indeed have a legacy beyond his three days on earth. I am sure Lex meant well, but we learned not thirty seconds after Clark left that Lex wasn't going to release them right away. There was some more things that he could learn about first.

The three days with Evan was hard on everybody, but as Lana said, it does make people appreciate the time they have and not take things for granted. Always nice to have cliché life lessons in your prime-time sci-fi soap operas. It might have been much more to Clark. As we learned, he took to parenting quite well. As he confessed to his parents, he doesn't know if he will ever be able to have children of his own (try having sex first Clark). They tell him that although they couldn't bear children, they were still able to have a son to love as their own, and that he never knows what the future will bring him. Any guesses on us meeting a wonder woman character sometime next season?

Overall, I was happy with the episode. So many clichés, and there is no explanation for why Lois just disappeared, but we did learn a little bit more about our little sacred stone/element story line. Genevieve wanted Lionel out of prison for some reason, and she believes that her son is her ally, although she doesn't know he is hiding the stone from China. Lionel does seem to care about his son, or at least cares about him enough that he doesn't want anything to happen to him before all of the stones are found. We still don't quite know what is going on in Jason's head, but he may actually be his own independent thinker, and still have thoughts of Lana on his mind.

Abram and Brad Play With Their Balls

Why is it so satisfying to watch people in their twenties act like five year olds? Once upon a time, the Real World was almost like social experiment. In college, I took a class where one of the professors lectured a couple of times on Pedro Zamora and what his time on the Real World did for both HIV/AIDS awareness and gay rights. Needless to say, those days are over. The Real World quickly became a franchise, adding Road Rules and then the challenge seasons. Every person is now a caricature, and that is what makes this season of the Real World/Road Rules challenge so great. They no longer have anything to teach us, but they are still entertaining. To sum it up in one sentence, we have gone from social experiment to atomic wedgies in just a little over ten years.

No good reunion shows is complete without the obligatory shots of the beautiful young people as they are out getting drunk, grinding bodies, and just plain having fun. Anybody who has had a little too much alcohol on occasion knows all of the foolish things you do when you are drunk, whether it be random nudity or the innocent prank. You might do something stupid, but you get over it and usually have a pretty good laugh after it is all said and done. So when Mike gave Brad a wedgie, he probably thought it would just go down in the annals of the Miz as just another hilarious notch on the Miz belt of goofy life experiences.

Well, the Miz doesn't give anybody any ordinary wedgie. A Miz-delivered wedgie must be of the atomic variety. For those of you who don't know what an atomic wedgie is, it is a wedgie that's pulled so hard and so far that you rip the elastic off the underwear of the poor victim. If you get a good grip, you can rip the underwear off completely. At first, it looked like Brad was completely OK with it, but after a while, a little light went off in his head that said "somebody just pulled your underwear off, it didn't involve a woman, and there was no possibility of sex". When you take that information into account, suddenly it's not so much of a game anymore.

Brad went completely ballistic, but the problem was that everybody was so drunk, they couldn't tell if he was serious or not. He was acting like an ass, throwing people around and yelling at his teammates. Unfortunately for him, the more of a scene he made, the more people just started laughing at him. Brad was completely serious and continued to ask for an explanation when everybody was back at the house. For his part, Mike did try and talk with Brad and calm him down, although Brad didn't want to listen. "Congratulations son, you're a meathead, but don't ever put your hands in my udnerwear". Derrick eventually came to Brad's defense, saying "We're not in seventh grade anymore, you don't need to be giving anybody wedgies". The good guys really have no hope if they are starting to take behavioral advice from Derrick. That's sort of like taking grooming tips from the homeless.

Despite all of their debauchery, the teams make it to their next challenge. David Mirra is in a hot rod and racing down the road, about to run into what looks like a pyramid of margarita glasses (certainly not as impressive as the pyramid of champagne glasses I constructed for New Year's 2000). But right before the Mirra-cle man looked like he was going to break through the wall of margarita glasses, he hit the breaks and stopped short (that's my move!). He was doing a demonstration of that day's challenge, called "What A Drag". As the name implies, one member of each team would get in a hot rod, and race down a drag strip. Their scores weren't based upon top speed, but best time. The trick was that they would have to stop their car somewhere after a blue line and before they ran into the margarita glass wall. The barrier was only several feet away, barely giving enough room to get the front tires over before you knocked anything down.

It didn't look that hard, but there was a five minute penalty for knocking over any of the glasses. Considering most of these runs were going to be under 30 seconds, that is an absolutely huge time difference. If one team messed up, they would effectively write the check to the opposing team.

The competition started off with basically nothing exciting happening. People weren't going that fast, and I thought there would be a lot more of a rivalry going on. What was turning out to be a drama-free episode got even a little more tame when CT somehow blew out the engine of his hot rod. Instead of going head-to-head, side-by-side, members of each team would alternate their runs, meaning they were racing against their own internal clock and not an actual opponent.

While the producers tried to make things interesting with all sorts of revving engine sounds and accelerating the tape, there didn't seem to be all that much drama. The Bad Asses did change their strategy a little bit and actually congratulated Tonya on her performance and told her she did a good job even though she had one of the worst times of the field. The girls said they didn't want Tonya to be the source of all the drama, but shouldn't they have said "we aren't going to cause any more drama over Tonya"? Tonya has been a catalyst on other reunion seasons, but she just wants to show her boobs and hook up. I am also beginning to wonder why Tina is on the whole Veronica/Rachel vendetta against every other woman on the planet. Veronica did have a very close call during her attempt, as the bumper of her car actually hit the glasses, but didn't knock them over. Most everybody else simply went fast for a bit, then creeped to the edge of the line until their teammates' told them to stop.

There was a little bit of intrigue as people were wondering if Mike would be able to win the lifeshield, and Brad was trying his best so Mike wouldn't win it. The Good Guys built up a slight lead, but all of that effort was rendered worthless during Landon's final run. Going into it, he didn't really need an awesome time, but was going for that lifeshield and knocked over some of the glasses. There was a five minute penalty, and since none of the Bad Asses made a mistake, it meant the Bad Asses won quite easily. They added another $10,000 to their total giving them $60,000 compared to the Good Guys total of $40,000.

Amid all of that aftermath, Mike ended up winning yet another lifeshield, meaning that he would be saved and another member of the Good Guys would head to the inferno. This time, none of the men were willing to sacrifice themselves to the Inferno gods like John did. Instead of doing a vote, the Good Guys decided that they would do it the equal opportunity way and draw names out of a hat. Mike put his hand in the hat, and when he pulled it out, Brad was on the piece of paper, ensuring us one very interesting gauntlet indeed.

I'm not a huge fan of Abram's, and perhaps I will change my mind if I actually see him in person, but God, I can't stand when he goes off onto his little new-aged philosophical mumblings about this, that or another thing. This time, he was babbling something about not being a violent person, but that when backed in a corner, blah, blah, blah. Shut up. We like the fact that you are a violent man and that you get into fights. I *loved* the fact that you wanted to beat Donnell in the head. What we do not think is that you are some sort of hipster sage and that our lives would be blessed if only you took the time to say what was on your mind.

So, Abram is going to go up against Brad, and there is a lot of anticipation. Both are highly athletic, have lots of attitude, and don't like to lose under any circumstances. As Rachel said, one team would have a huge advantage, and the other team would have a disadvantage. Imagine that, the team that loses a player would be disadvantaged, and the team that kept their player would have an advantage. Thanks for the insight Rachel, I would have been left wondering all day what the ramifications of losing a teammate would have meant. You saved me many, many lost hours of sleep as the question would have kept me up all night thinking about it. The Los Angeles mayoral runoff is soon, and I haven't quite figured out what will happen if one person gets more votes than the other, maybe Rachel will help me out. I won't even complain if Veronica helped her come up with the answer.

The title of the inferno was called "Balls In" and it is another copy of an American Gladiator challenge. Each person had five balls that they would try to get into a basket. The basket was placed in a center of a ring about 10 feet across. In order to get the ball into the basket, the player would have to get it past the other player who would be defending and would be allowed to do almost anything to stop the other player's progress. A dead ball would be called if a player stepped out of the ring after stepping in, or if the ball was knocked out of their hands or touched the ground.

As boring as the main competition was, the Inferno made up for it. I don't think these two necessarily hated each other, but they were very physical and were talking tons of trash. Abram finished by scoring three of his balls into the basket. The pressure then turned to brad to at least equal that number of be sent home. Brad missed on two of his first three attempts, meaning he would have to score in his last two attempts to prolong his stay. He succeeded in the first attempt, and was ready for his final try. He made nice move on Abram and spun around for a little bit of a two handed slam, but instead of going in, it just hit the rim and bounced out. Doh! Brad was going home.

Although the two shook amicably, that was not the end of things. The Bad Asses are pretty cocky, but most of the people left on the Good Guys are not going to take it. Darrell was particularly pissed and started saying how he was going to make the Bad Asses his little bitch. Eventually, Abram jumped into the open arms of his teammates, and Brad watched as his team completed the walk of shame back to the house without him.

Another great episode of The Inferno II. Some may say the main competition was boring, but at least it was more original than what we normally see coming out of Bunim/Murray, and it is hard to deal with mechanical error. I still think I want the Good Guys to win because they have the least amount of objectionable members (at least for me) on their team. I am not sure what kind of money they will make because they can only hold out with fewer members for so long, but I do hope they can win nonetheless.

The Fifth Wheel

What a fantastic episode of Survivor. This season has hovered in the "excellent" realm, and after last night's dense installment of scheming, drama, tears, betrayal, and lying, I am going on the record to say that Survivor: Palau officially rocks. Any reality show that can keep us on the edge of our seat from the very first minutes of the hour deserves special accolade. This has been a bizarre season, but it's worked out well, even if some of my favorite players have been sidelined. Three cheers for Mark Burnett! (and you too Jeff. Just for being a swell guy).

Tonight's hour began with the mandatory stock footage of animals, but this time, it was rats gorging on a coconut and hopping around. Apparently CBS is in negotiations with the crab population -- they want more money for their perfunctory scampering. Anyway, Jenn was shocked by Gregg's ouster, but when her team asked how she was faring, she simply brushed the incident off and chirped, "I was shocked for like two seconds." Two very long, bitter seconds. Ian, meanwhile, became very concerned that the three girls would join together in an alliance and turn on him and Tom. Yes, the all-female alliance: a mythical beast that threatens to raise its head every season, but always disappears with the light of day. Amy Cusack came closest to realizing this dream, but like a UFO or Bigfoot, we'll have to see it to believe it.

But maybe I'm talking too soon. After all, if this season of Survivor has proven anything, it's that anything can happen (CBS, you can pay me later). Further cementing that notion was the incredibly intense scheming going down at camp. Katie, Jenn, and Ian held a little powwow and all agreed that they wanted Caryn out. But then Jenn quietly began asserting that maybe Tom should go. After all, he's your biggest competition, she said to Ian. Look at sneaky Jenn quietly slip in her own agenda! She wants revenge, and she wants it to be cute.

Meanwhile, Caryn and Tom talked strategy, ultimately agreeing that they'd take each other to the final two. I guess we knew something was up when the camera cut away to a random scorpion happily making its way across the beach. You know, that's pretty cool and all, but I'd really like to see some crabs.

Anyway, after her discussion with Tom, Caryn told us, "I'm guardedly optimistic about my chance to make it to the final three." Optimistic? Well, that's a near death sentence on Survivor. She should know better by now.

Later, Tom and Ian fetched the Tree Mail which had yet another coy clue about the reward challenge, and before heading back to the tribe, the two guys held back to discuss strategy. We knew they were up to no good because we suddenly cut away to a crocodile yawning. Seriously, this is very unsavory wildlife: rats, scorpions, crocodiles? What's next? A fire-breathing dragon? Anyway, Tom and Ian agreed that if either of them won the reward, and they had the option of choosing someone to share it with, they would not pick each other. Wouldn't want to make the same mistake as Gregg. Okay, simple enough. That's a smart move. Or was it? While the guys deliberated on who they'd bring along on the reward (that they hadn't even won yet), we then saw footage of even more wildlife, this time two red bugs slurping a snail out of its shell. Yes, yes, the nature imagery has metaphorical undertones, WE GET IT! (Although, the snail ambush was a nice change from the standard butterfly-caught-in-the-spider-web saga).

Well, it was time for the reward challenge, and guess what? It was the car episode! Yes, as the penultimate installment of the season, it was time to give away a vehicle, and this time around, the lucky winner would nab a bright red Corvette. That's a sizable improvement over the standard Aztec or sedan. Later, we learned that whoever won the car would then drive it to a mansion where he or she would spend the night (with a guest, of course). As for the actual challenge, it was a typically convoluted mishmash of rafting, collecting, and guesswork. Rather than describe this mess, I'll let CBS:

"Survivors would race into the lagoon on bamboo rafts and collect a series of mileage markers. Once all the markers were collected, they must be placed under the sign marker designating the distance from Palau to various big cities. The first player to place all the markers correctly would win." Wow, CBS really makes it sound so simple.

Anyway, Ian and Tom took an immediate lead while Caryn and Katie languished far behind. Then after about five minutes of watching these fools float around on their bamboo rafts, the fun times came to an end as Ian won the reward (Uh oh. Curse of the car, but never mind that for now). Well, it came time for Ian to choose a friend to join him at the mansion, and after some hemming and hawing he chose... Katie? No. Caryn? No. Jenn? No. Tom? YES. Huh?? What the hell? What about that whole conversation before? Did he not see what just happened to Gregg? Whatever. Ian was now officially an idiot.

Well, as expected, Katie, the resident tart, became very bitter about the situation as she smarted from Ian's betrayal. Apparently they had made a deal to take each other along if either of them won the reward challenge. Now Katie was mad and happy to jump ship. At camp, all the women compared notes. Katie revealed that she had a deal with Tom and Ian to go to the final three. Well, guess what, so did Caryn, although she was a bit reluctant to admit it. "I don't really have a deal with Tom," Caryn said. "He told me he'd take me to the final two." Uh, I think that's a deal. Caryn later noted "I really haven't made any deals. I mean, I've verbally assented to mutually beneficial agreements, but I wouldn't really call that a deal. Hey, have you guys ever tried steak? I've never had it before. I mean, I've chewed and swallowed it, but never really eaten it."

Meanwhile, Jenn registered complete shock that Katie had a deal with Ian and Tom. Why was she shocked? Wasn't Jenn originally part of the "strong five"? Either way, since shock apparently lasts only two seconds for Jenn, she quietly receded to the background, wisely realizing that the Caryn and Katie situation could only be beneficial for her. And sure enough, by the end of the afternoon, all the women allied together and agreed to vote off Tom or Ian, depending on the immunity situation.

As usual though, the all-women alliance showed signs of weakness from the very getgo as Caryn nearly tackled the two guys upon their return the next morning. She very directly cornered Ian, asking "Is it going to be you, Tom, and me or you, Tom and Katie?" Bold move, sister. Well, Ian responded with the firm reply that surely would put her at ease. "Uh... it's going to be you, me, and Katie- I mean, you, me, and Tom." Sensing a lack of commitment, Caryn continued to press Ian for answers, but he merely stuttered, waivered, and (smacking forehead), said he didn't know who he'd vote off until the next night. As Caryn walked off angrily, Tom shook his head and said "You just screwed up." He then added, "I still love you though. Let's go spoon."

Back at camp, Ian knew he had to firm up Katie's vote now that Caryn was disgruntled. The only problem: Katie wasn't talking to Ian. She was still pissed off about the reward challenge. Another good sign for the all-women's alliance! A common hatred of Tom and Ian!

After a morning of hatred from Katie, Ian finally got five minutes of alone time with the woman and explained his actions. "I swear on this that there's no vote that will ever go against you. Ever," he explained. What exactly was he swearing on? A shark tooth necklace? Lots of significance that has. Oh wait, it's a cross. Damn, I hate lost opportunities for snarkiness.

Ian is officially two-dimensional.

Well, Katie put on quite the show as she let loose a torrent of tears and melodramatic platitudes: "I lost my best friend!", "I was embarrassed!", "I'm carrying your baby!". Okay, maybe she didn't say that last one. Either way, I couldn't be sure, but I was fairly certain that Katie was pulling yet another brilliant ploy. At the beginning of this episode, I thought Caryn was the swing vote. Now it looks to be Katie. Can one episode handle two swing votes? And what does that say about the women's alliance? Not so sturdy, eh?

Finally, Ian countered with his own cheesy line, saying, "I'm gonna try to be your friend for the rest of my life. If you don't want it, that's fine." (I was particularly entertained by Ian's random southern inflection on the word "Fine", which he pronounced "faaaahn."). Well, the two crybabies eventually cooled down and shared a forgiving hug. I instantly felt sorry for Katie as her nose came perilously close to Ian's armpits. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy (although, I would wish it on Veronica and Tina from Road Rules).

Katie gets trapped in the lethal gas chamber that is Ian's armpits.

Meanwhile, Tom worked to secure Caryn's trust again. The two debated whether or not Katie's anger at Ian was just an act. Caryn shrugged her shoulders and said that Katie was a good actress. She then proceeded to cough up half a lung on camera in one of her more unattractive moments. Caryn + phlegm = unpleasant.

The next morning, Tom bullied Katie to rejoin his ranks, causing her to immediately complain to the camera that he was being a jerk. You know, if this were Survivor: Amazon, Rob Cesterino would have simply said, "Hey, maybe we should vote off Katie?" Sadly, his scheming prowess was absent from this group, but that's not to say the plot wasn't thickening. Ian said his heart told him to vote off Caryn, but his head told him to target Tom. "It's Survivor, not Parcheesi," he reminded us. It's not Parcheesi? Damn. I really have to get my board game knowledge in order.

Anyway, with the plotting getting out of hand, the only one not entangled in the mess is... Jenn. That's odd. Coming into this episode, she was the only without an alliance, and yet, by staying out of the fray, she's completely become an afterthought for these people. Something tells me that she might just be the smartest one on this island.

Soon it was time for the immunity challenge which had castaways crossing an obstacle course to look at a pattern. After taking however long they wanted to observe the order of the tiles, contestants then had to return through the obstacle course and reassemble the pattern. The first one to accurately match the pattern would win. Well, with all the scheming going on this hour, this immunity challenge proved to be incredibly exciting. Caryn and Katie immediately fell off the obstacle course, with the latter girl getting her foot stuck in a rope ladder. Needless to say, after Katie's vine-swinging disaster earlier this season, she and obstacle courses do NOT mix well. As usual, Tom was in the lead, but Jenn seemed first to put her pattern together. Surprisingly, she didn't tell Jeff that she had it. Instead she went back time and time again to check her work. Ian, meanwhile, called Probst over for approval several times, but despite the music getting all climactic and exciting, his pattern continued to be incorrect.

Tom meanwhile spent a good amount of time falling on his face, but that didn't stop him from eventually winning immunity. Yes, once again, the unstoppable fireman won the necklace, hopefully causing the women to regret voting Stephenie off two weeks ago. Well, it became quite obvious how the rest of this episode would play out. Despite Katie's previous anger, there was no way she was going to actually vote Ian off after their little spat/love-fest. It was so obvious that CBS barely even showed any post-challenge scheming. We simply went right to Tribal Council after only a mere minute or so at camp. And for good reason. After an entire episode of crazy scheming, Tribal Council proved to be quite the explosive affair as Caryn let loose her anger for the first time in weeks. She seemed to sense that Katie had reconnected with Tom and Ian, and so Caryn boldly tried to sever their bond by saying how Ian devised the plan to get rid of Gregg, then Jenn, and then Katie. Ian rolled his eyes as if she were a crazy conspiracy theorist (Ian, we have Tivo. She's not lying), but while Caryn was effective in exposing the men's hypocrisy, she failed to sell why Katie would be better off with the women.

Warning: gossipy and confusing sentence ahead. Tom claimed that Caryn said that Gregg and Katie wanted to vote Tom off. I don't seem to remember this happening, but either way, Caryn was livid at the accusation, charging, "You are such a liar!" Meanwhile, the jury simply sat back and laughed. Man, they had front row seats to the best show on Earth that day.

"I missed the two day sale at Macy's?!?!?!"

As for Katie, the girl somehow caught in the middle, she seemed pissed off that Ian had let her in on the Gregg scheme at the last second, noting how it made her feel like an outsider. Yes, but would she sacrifice her friendship with Ian over that? Apparently not. In a vote of four to one, Caryn was ousted over Ian. And yes, Jenn voted for her too. So much for that female alliance. Well, Caryn left the game angrily, and in her goodbye speech, she passive aggressively accused everyone of shooting the messenger. She was just saying it like it is, and if they couldn't deal with it, well, that's too bad because they'd have to face the music eventually. Yeah yeah yeah. Just go and write your bitter finale-night speech already.

In retrospect, when Caryn confronted Ian about his alliance with Katie, she may have overplayed her hand. What seemed like a good move turned out to be her undoing. After all, from that moment on, the boys couldn't trust that she'd be with them, and therefore their attention moved to Katie, who then had the luxury of keeping them begging until Tribal Council. Basically, Katie was ensured all the power, allowing her to choose between the two alliances, and because Caryn had nothing to offer, she was easy to dispose of.

And now we enter finale territory -- my favorite part of the season: the fallen survivor montage, the endurance challenge, and the venomous showdown with the jury. Who do you think will win? Might Jenn quietly ascend to the throne? Will Katie ever realize that Tom and Ian are only taking themselves to the final two? Will Jeff Probst be cranky at the reunion? Just three more nights...

Reality Double Take

Its been a while since a double take post, but B-Sides Survivor post inspried me.
I knew I saw this somewhere before.

Oh By The Way

While we announced our TVgasm winners yesterday, today actually marks the one year anniversary of our first post (May 12, 2004 baby!). Thank you all for reading and helping to make this site grow so much over the past year.

And for your reading pleasure, enjoy this remarkably cocky first post:

It's been a while in the making, but TVgasm is finally here. Now the world can share the love and joy of snarky banter about our favorite TV shows. I know that there are a lot of blogs and TV fanpages out there, and that's all well and good. But we're hoping to carve a unique niche in the cyber community. We're not about to have long, wordy rants about some tangental part of a TV show. And we're not going to be the geeky TV cousin of AintItCoolNews.

We're just going to be damn funny. And if you don't think we're funny, then stop reading - because chances are it's not us who have the problem. It's you. Ha ha - sucker.

I don't know if the whole pledge against "long, wordy rants" really panned out, but hey, that's okay. I'm pretty sure we're at least funny, and that's all that matters, right?

Thank you all...

Solid As A Rock?

Well, I didn't get around to doing a full recap on last week's Survivor, which is not to say that I didn't enjoy it. Truth is I was pretty busy this week, and at the end of the day, while the episode was fun, there wasn't really that much crazy shit to make fun of. Well, I shouldn't say that. There's always mockery to be had. Nevertheless, with only a few hours until the next installment kicks off, I'll do my best to give a casual overview of the latest antics of our favorite castaways.

The episode began with Caryn fretting over possible extermination. As Tom put it, she was "more nervous than a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs." Yeah, it was like the time she thought her Streisand tickets were lost in the mail. Man, that was intense.

Anyway, the Reward Challenge was simple enough. People would have to answer island trivia, and if they were correct, they got to lower another tribe member's lantern towards the ocean. Once a lantern had been lowered three times, that person would be out. After explaining the rules, Probst happily asked, "Wanna know what you're playing for?" Suddenly, a yacht floated into view and blew its foghorn. Unfortunately, Probst had some bad news: "Oh, that yacht's for me, not you. But whoever wins gets a garlic masher! Sorry, my yacht ate up most of the budget."

Okay, okay. The reward actually was the yacht. The winner would get to spend the night on the mighty seacraft where he or she would be pampered and loved, CBS style. That's right: endless repeats of Everybody Loves Raymond and King of Queens. Well, either that or a massage. We'd find out later.

Anyway, after everyone answered the first question correctly, Tom was chosen to lower the first lamp. "I don't want to be first to start this nastiness!" he complained, adding, "I'm just me, plain old Tom. Just a nice guy. I couldn't harm a butterfly. Now everyone turn around while a stab you in the back."

Well, everyone seemed to target Caryn at first, using the lame excuse that she's won so many rewards (huh?). "Every reward we get, Caryn gets all the food," complained Ian. Yes, that would explain why she's so morbidly obese. Honestly, if Ian weren't the resident skeleton, I'd happily nickname Caryn "Twigarella". Eh, I'll do it anyway. Twigarella. Heh.

Anyway, one of the joys of this sort of Reward Challenge was that in people's greedy desire to sleep over in a yacht, they quietly revealed their pecking orders, and in the case of Katie, she screwed over Ian, even after they had made an albeit informal (and most likely very smelly) deal. Ian looked more shocked than the day he found out he needed to bathe.

Even more telling, however, was the moment when Gregg asked Jenn's permission to lower her lantern. Of course she said no, but more importantly, Probst immediately jumped all over them, provoking the team by constantly asking "You just asked permission?????" Settle down, Jeffy. This isn't the crazy world of Rock 'N' Roll Jeopardy.

Eventually, Gregg won the prize after Jenn answered a question incorrectly (She thought coconut crabs could jump three feet in the air after eating. That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. And yet, I'd be really intrigued to see such hopping crustaceans.) Anyway, Gregg was allowed to bring two people on the yacht; so he selected Jenn and Katie, leaving the other three to angrily commiserate back at camp. Ian felt betrayed by Katie and wisely opted to turn the game on its head. It was clear that Gregg and Jenn had all the power now. Ian, Tom, and Caryn had to do something to reposition themselves. But what would it be??

Over on the yacht, Gregg and his bitches received Micronesian massages. Sadly my prediction for an "Eye on American" brainwashing session went unrealized. Too bad. They really could have learned a lot from that bio on Paul Anka. Plus, it would have been important to see just one more Greg Gumbel interview with Terrell Owens.

Anyway, Gregg's tropical massage soon turned all boy-on-boy as a goofy looking white guy tagged in as the masseur. Turns out this was Gregg's best friend from home, and after hugs and a few "Oh my god!"s, everyone reconvened on the deck where the staff presented the foursome with an array of food. As they all noshed, I enjoyed Jenn's "Duh" moment of the day as she poked at a brown, circular item and asked, "What's this?" "This is an onion ring," answered Katie. Jenn then pointed to a long slender item and asked "And this?" A french fry. "How about this?" Jenn asked, holding up a white, puffy thing. That would be a marshmallow. "Oh. Tee-hee!" replied Jenn, adding "Please pass the white stuff in the shaker that makes my food taste salty."

Well, all this food was nice and all, but I really felt like the scene needed to be more gooey. Thankfully, the producers surprised Jenn and Katie with their very own relatives, and after tears of joy were had by all, the group went out and swam with dolphins. Jenn couldn't believe how fortunate she was. "No way! No way!" she chirped. Dolphin? IN THE OCEAN??? This is insane!!!! Amazingly, a dolphin poked its head out of the water and said to Jenn, "And I thought I was cute. Man, I look like Bea Arthur next to you."

Back at the camp, Ian, Caryn, and Tom realized it was time to do something drastic. They would force a tie with Gregg and Caryn. The rules state that if there's a tie, the two people being voted on become immune, and the others must pull a rock from a bag. Whoever pulls the purple rock goes home. Hey, when did Survivor drop the rule that whoever had the most previous votes would go home in a tie-break situation? Anyway, I had to give props to these three. Tom and Ian realized that if they didn't force the tie, Gregg and Jenn would pick them off anyway, so they might as well gamble with the stone. Ah, I LOVE logic! It's so rare to find on this show.

With their plan in place, Ian explained how important it was to execute their scheme properly: "This is kind of like taking a bag of potato chips from a fat man. You can do it, but you better do it quick. Otherwise he can turn around and sit on you." Uh, if you're six inches tall. Does Ian envision himself to be Stewart Little?

As for Caryn, it was extremely important that she pull a Janu and act sullen around camp, like she already knows she's gone. "Don't be chippa!" admonished Tom, suddenly busting out a Boston accent. "I'm a very good actress," Caryn reassured us. She then recited a scene from Yentl to prove her point.

Later, as the returning tribe members approached the shore, Caryn displayed her proclivity for rhyming as she stated, "I'm sour and dour." She then added, "I'm very thin, but I want to win. I have lots of love, so Mazel Tov!" Anyway, the yacht-folk rejoined their team and even brought their relatives by, just to rub it in. I couldn't help but notice how much Ian towered over Katie's brother-in-law. Seriously, the guy only came up to Ian's nipple. The camera man couldn't get them in the same shot. Eventually, it came time for the visitors to leave, causing Gregg to bawl. Ha ha, he's crying. Oh wait, his dad died a year ago and he's still mourning. Okay, I'm a jerk.

Why is Ian ten feet tall now?

Well, the immunity challenge came around next, and it was sort of a mishmash of previous challenges throughout the season. Nothing remarkable happened here; so I'll just skip to the results: Ian won. That of course meant that if the vote went to a tie, Tom would have a one in three chance of picking the rock. Gregg, however, was still oblivious that there would even be a rock scenario as he marched around camp, happily stating that Caryn would be going home. For her part, Caryn surely lived up to her word and moped around like the biggest sadsack in Survivor history. Everything seemed to be working just fine. That is until Ian told Gregg "It'll be interesting to see the way it all plays out." Interesting? Ian quickly covered, "You know, seeing how my first experience with deodorant will be. It'll be interesting." NICE SAVE.

"I really miss Jazzercise."

After his little slip up, Ian found Katie and explained to her the situation. Either she goes along with the plan, or she's going to put herself at risk. Well played, Ian. Meanwhile, technically, Katie could have simply gone to Caryn and said "We're going to vote for Tom. Now you have to pull a stone instead. Or you can join us." I'm sure that tactic would have been much more difficult to pull off, but hey, I'm just saying -- Katie could have pulled a power move too, if she wanted.

Well, Tribal Council finally arrived, and we got to see our jury once again. Coby pranced in with a loud and proud rainbow shirt (all he was missing was a float), followed by Janu who for some reason looks amazing now, and finally Steph who broke my heart with a very unwise Jersey perm 'do. As for our host, Jeff was persnickety yet again. I forget what the question was, but everyone giggled, causing Probst to snap, "You guys are laughing, but this is serious!" VERY SERIOUS! This is a reality show, dammit! How can you take it so lightly???

Anyway, Ian unsurprisingly refused to give up immunity (despite Tom reaching for the necklace), and thus it was time to vote. Would this lead to a rock-pulling tiebreaker? Amazingly no. Katie flipped her vote! And so with four votes cast his way, Gregg left the island, leaving a gaping-mouth Jenn behind. It was pretty shocking, I must admit. Even the jurry was atwitter with giggles and surprise.

So what will happen tonight? Will Jenn get her act together and regain a position of power? It shouldn't be too hard: just rally Katie and Caryn together. I guess we'll find out very soon...

Passions of the Bice - A Photo Essay

Jim Caviezel to Play Bo Bice in Upcoming Feature

Bo relaxes on his ranch

Bo sneaking a few carbs in, he's such a risk taker!!

Bo pumps his hands in the air when he makes it past another round of AI

Bo at the craft service table during week one of AI finals

Coming soon Bo Bice action figure

Carrie Underwood's Secret Romance With Ryan Phillippe Revealed!

The Road to the Final Four

The whole time that America's Next Top Model has been filming in South Africa, we've had all of the standard tourist shots of Cape Town, the frolicking time on the safari, and the whimsical kloofing trip. The girls have been learning about the modeling industry, but Tyra doesn't think that is the only lesson they should learn. With only four people remaining emotions are already running high, and after a trip to a ghetto and a prison brings them face to face with South Africa's apartheid past, things really start to boil over.

Last week was one of the more interesting judging panels. Instead of Tyra, Janice, Nigel, and Nolé critiquing everybody's performance, each girl got to have their say about the others. Naima said it was one of the more difficult things she had to go through, but it was great because everybody really got a chance to see what people were thinking in this competition. At this time last week, everybody was eating with Tyra, Kahlen was crying, and Brittany was saying how great it was because all of them were actually friends.

That feel-good attitude didn't really last very long. Living with a person is difficult, especially when you don't have a choice in who your roommates are. The girls have had to deal with each other, and they have been pretty friendly. YaYa would have felt very good at how much "respeito"(respect) was shared among everybody, but such smooth sailing can only last so long. Keenya starts talking about how she wasn't going to hold back for anything, and when it came time to critique people, she couldn't think about who was her friend or not. Brittany tries to get a word in, but Keenya says a few words about interrupting. They get into a little fight about who interrupts who more, and who was rude to who and shit like that. We saw the rift between these two build last week, and perhaps it was inevitable because of how close they were, but if these two can't get along, there isn't much hope for the rest of them.

Although Keenya interrupts people, it is not her worst trait in this competition. I do have to say that interrupting people is probably my worst trait, and all of my friends have to develop a sort of a conversation Tivo if they are ever going to get a point across. But anyway, Keenya's biggest problem is the food. It's not that she just isn't eating right, the thought of food is all-consuming. When she and Kahlen discuss the latest Tyra mail, Keenya's mind can't go thirty seconds without thinking about the chocolate muffin that is in Kahlen's hand. Clearly Keenya has to start smoking cigarettes to sate her appetite or curb that oral fixation she has. I thought it was one of the first things you learned in Modeling 101.

The next day, everybody goes to the headquarters of G'Mbo Urban Ethnic Clothing and met the founders, who served as their guides through a South African township. While a township is nominally called a "ghetto", by an American definition it is more like a shantytown. Forgive me for my brief history lesson, but the townships were the way of life for most of South Africa's majority black population throughout all of apartheid. It's way too complex of an issue to discuss with any of the proper depth or expression here, but if you are interested in what it was like read Kaffir Boy, a non-fcition piece written by somebody who lived the life in the 1960s. And if you don't get the book, you ca read an excerpt at Amazon. I read it when I was 10 or 11, and it was difficult, but gave me an appreciation for how lucky my life really was.

Now that I am done with my little spiel, back to the show. The girls were taken to a community center in the township, where they were going to learn African dance with a personal instructor. This challenge was pretty much made for Naima. She studied ballet at the Dance Theater of Harlem. Naima mentions that she appreciates the synergy between dancing and modeling because they both give you a chance to realize your body as a whole. Her enthusiasm was not matched by Kahlen or Brittany. Kahlen looks as if she is almost completely devoid of rhythm, and the only reason why you would check out Brittany on the dance floor was if you were looking to see if her boob would pop out or her top. Keenya felt that she needed to bring it because she was among her people, but was having trouble because...her jeans were too tight. Forget the cigarettes, she is going to have to go on the Mary-Kate Olsen diet and fast.

Keenya complained that Brittany was the center of attention last week, but something sort of turned on inside of her. Being in South Africa and seeing the township was hard on everybody, but Keenya began to say how much she really appreciates it, because she is black. It wasn't that the other girls didn't appreciate it, but you know, it's not the same. The whole time she was saying this, Naima was right next to her. Naima doesn't have the darkest skin, but both of her parents are half-black, and that is who she identifies with. From what I have seen on the show, I don't think Keenya has much room to be calling out Naima in any sort of way. Maybe it's good that Keenya sort of realizes where her roots are, and is acting that way, because she didn't seem to want anything to do with Compton. Tiffany and Brandy must have nearly died when hearing her talk that way after she pretty much ignored them throughout their times on the show.

After learning the dance, they discover that they are going to have to perform in front of an audience from the township, and they would be judged. Presiding over the ceremonies would be Miss J, who placed himself in the audience and stretched out his legs, and god damn did you see those legs? He had a dress on that was slit up to there, and we could see the assets that probably got him the job of runway consultant. That being said, I never want to see them again.

The girls do their thing, but everybody did fairly well. Brittany goes into everything like she has nothing to lose, and that demeanor at least lets her look like she is having fun at everything. Kahlen's attitude is completely different. When something is too difficult, she tends to give up easily. She was more than nervous, she was upset that she had to go on. When it came time to deliver, she actually did fairly well. It has become her modus operandi; complain something is too hard and then over perform. Although Keenya felt like she was moving well, we all knew that nobody would be a match for Naima (who I learned has a twin sister as well - almost too much for my dirty mind to comprehend). Miss J lets the audience decide the winner by their applause, and Naima gets the prize.

For her win, Naima gets thirty extra frames during her photoshoot, and she gets to pick one person to have twenty extra frames. It's clear that Kahlen is her best friend remaining, but she picks Keenya instead. Keenya in turn, gets to pick one person to have ten extra frames, and she picked Brittany. Khahlen got nothing, and was quite upset, thinking that everybody else was ganging up on her in some way. In reality, it was much more simple than that. Naima loves Kahlen, but she was thinking about the competition. Kahlen has been taking the best pictures, and if there was anybody who didn't need the extra frames, it was her. Keenya has been looking lumpy, so she had more to make up with in those extra shots.

The township was emotional in many ways, but things were just getting started. They got their mail from Bankable, and it simply had 46664 on it. Nobody knew what it meant, but they were soon going to find out the next day. The second trip of the week took them to Robben Island, the main political prison of South Africa's apartheid era. A former prisoner was their guide, and told them about the torture and poor treatment people would receive if they were incarcerated there. We learned that 46664 was Nelson Mandela's number when he stayed there for 18 years during his fight against apartheid. The guide became emotional talking about Mandela's importance to his people, and by the look on their faces, all of the girls were really taking in the message.

The highlight of the trip was another emotional moment. One of the girls got to use the key to open the actual cell that belonged to Nelson Mandela. Naima took the chance right away, and it looked like Keenya was upset, and the whole thing was wearing thin on Brittany. She really got sick of hearing Keenya say how much it meant to her, and more accurately, how nobody else could understand what it meant to her. Brittany also was suspicious when Keenya started crying when Keenya was in Nelson Mandela's cell, not because she is a heartless bitch, but because she wondered why Keenya had so much emotion for somebody she knew nothing about. Only minutes earlier, she had asked Brittany if Mandela was dead or alive, prompting Brittany to wonder if she knew much about him. Well, I am going to go out on a limb on this one, but if you don't know if somebody is alive or not, you most likely haven't been following them too closely. (Speaking of which, would it be too morbid if TVgasm started a Death Pool?) For Brittany, it was a further example of how fake Keenya had become and she believed her emotions were all for show.

So, learning everything about the inequalities of apartheid, I was wondering what kind of photo shoot there would be. Imagine my surprise when I learned that the girls would be playing 40s aristocrats on vacation in Africa. Ahh, yes, bring back those heady days of the colonial era South Africa! I'm sure I am being too sensitive, but couldn't they have thought of something better to sell the Caress Sensational Soothing Bodywash? How about another alligator?

The girls learned that they would be doing their shoots with three male models, Lee-Roy, Bertini, and Mark. Quite a set of refreshing, down to earth names, but not nearly as funny as Rib. Immediately, Kahlen covered her eyes to avoid any pregnancy. I wish one of these girls would have placed a dildo in her bed or a blow up doll. God, just imagine the look on Kahlen's face, she would probably die. The models were really flirty, and they said they wanted to go out to dinner with the girls or perhaps a nightclub and go dancing. Bertini was particularly agressive, especially with Keenya, asking for her number. Maybe he's just an ass man, because Keenya surely has it going on in that area. By this time, i'm sure it has a nice jiggle when you smack it.

For the shoot, the girls were asked to use what they learned about moving their bodies and sort of dance with the three men. Naima loved this, was very natural, and Jay was impressed with how she was both confident and alluring, the two things he was hoping to get from her each week. When it was Keenya's turn, she had trouble moving naturally instead of just posing early on. Later, she was really bothered with Bertini, who was sort of moaning and touching her ass. Was it part of the shoot? Was he just trying to cop a feel? Whatever it was, Keenya didn't feel comfortable, and had to stop the shoot. She thought that Bertini had crossed the line of professionalism, and although it bothered her very much, she went on with the rest of the shoot because she was afraid it would affect her standing with the judges if she couldn't get through it.

Brittany was a complete natural of course. You can't really say that she has rhythm, but you can tell that she knows how to move her body when another body is next to hers. Kahlen, on the other hand, has a lot of trouble. She couldn't get into a natural groove, and although she said she was able to get through the dancing by acting a role, she couldn't find within herself what she needed to get through this one. She still had a hard time thinking of herself as an object of sexual attraction. Kahlen, here is some free advice. An appletini or ice-blended margarita or four will really free your mind.

Overall, this was a great shoot, and I was really impressed with the pictures. After last week when they did their own hair, makeup, and clothing, it was good to have the professionals taking care of things once again:

The girls took the guys up on their invitation and went out to dinner. Once there, things were very, very awkward. Bertini and Keenya were still arguing about what happened on the set, and when it came time for the bill, Keenya ended up not having any money. Ahh, the life of a male model, go out with three hot women, and they have no problem ponying up their portion of the bill. The whole incident turned into a big mess after the fact. Brittany started accusing Keenya of being selfish, and took her to task for her crying and being fake.

Brittany may have had a point somewhere, but she is just not one who is good at arguing. Past a certain point, she doesn't want to think of a coherent response and simply outshouts everybody. Naima had a look on her face that she wanted to kill the two of them, more intensity than I have seen from her all year. She said that she thanked god she was able to get a hold of the key, because it meant so much to her, and Keenya and Brittany obviously hadn't learned anything from it. Kahlen just cried in the corner. The argument continued in the loft, and of course nobody got any further. Naima tried to step in for a moment, but got sick of dealing with Keenya and Brittany, and left the room. Kahlen was just sobbing outside. I have to say, she was pretty annoying this week.

For the judging the girls were told to dance around in place. Tyra would shout "Pose!" and they would stop and pose. Sort of boring, until all of the judges got out of their chair and joined in on the fun. I nearly fell off the couch watching Nigel do sort of a half grind with Naima. And about Nigel, how many of those god damned bold colored stripe shirts does he own. Is it just me or does he wear a different one each week? Maybe it's the same one, but it's starting to bother me. Janice was Janice, and even dressed up like the girls did for their shoot. Nolé, poor guy, he must miss his dog so much, but he did shake it when he had the chance. Tyra (god, what a great ass!), had a party up in there as well.

Keenya has been running into trouble with the judges for her weight, but she came out on top in this episode. She had a decent picture (they were also shown their worst shots), but she really impressed the judges by the way she acted when she was in front of them. Kahlen didn't have the best picture, and they thought there could definitely be more emotion and sexiness, but they decided she had the potential to go on.

So, it was Naima vs. Brittany. As I e-mailed to a reader this past week, I may not cry if Naima loses, but I sure am going to drink heavily. I have a couple of cold bottles of vodka in the freezer, my special extra-large Dartmouth shotglass, and my favorite blanket to comfort me. The judges complained about Naima's personality again. Although I wish they would see that a personality is more than simply mugging for the camera and drawing attention to yourself, she did admit that she has been holding back a little. She was so natural in her picture (easily my favorite this week), but sort of blended into the background in front of judges. Brittany was sort of a surprise, in an episode where they were focusing on personality, you would think she has no problem. One thing they did notice is that whenever she is asked for more energy in a shoot, she gets a little over the top and sometimes loses control. She also really isn't taking things seriously.

Tyra said that they had to choose between the girls who's flame was dwindling and the girl's who flame was stifled, but still had a chance of coming on strong. They decided that Naima had that chance and saved her (and my liver) for at least another week. Out of Brittany and Naima, I would have picked Brittany to leave every time, but I think that she has been taking some great pictures and deserved to stay a little while longer. I would have thrown Keenya out in a heartbeat. She rebounded nicely this week with a great picture, but I think her last good picture was when they dressed her up as a Korean, and they have all been average or less than since then. But again, our girl Naima is still around, so I'll take those results.

Next week, season finale time. Out of those left, who are you pulling for? Is Keenya too fake? Is Naima too reserved? Is Kahlen sexy enough?

You Cannot Touch The Seacrest!

Does Ryan Seacrest fear the gentle touch of another man? We can't say for sure, but judging by this brief but telling moment from last night's American Idol, it seems as though our favorite moppet host was mucho uncomfortable when Bo Bice placed a friendly hand on his back. "Yo yo!" protested Seacrest as he reached behind and forcibly pulled Bo's hand off the sacred territory that is Ryan's lumbar region. The entire moment happened so quickly, it was easy to overlook. Thanks to TVgasm reader Sandra though, we were able to go back and capture the entire awkward experience. Let the conspiracy theories abound!

Click on this uncomfortable moment to play...

Oh, and this just in: ABC News will be using this clip to anchor an hour-long exposé on the secret bond between Bo Bice and Ryan Seacrest. DETAILS PENDING!

Begging To Win

Isn't it astounding how the Amazing Race finale can be so exciting season after season? Even after reading a spoiler about the outcome (grumble grumble), my heart was beating like crazy, especially during the final torturous moments when the fate of one team seemed to rest in one taxi driver's impetuous hands. And while it was exciting to see who'd come in first place, part of me simply wanted to know what sort of welcoming newlyweds Rob and Amber would receive. Needless to say, it was cold (and wonderful).

This two-hour marathon event started all the way back in foggy London Town where the three remaining teams huddled together in a pub and downed a few pints of ale. We only heard a snippet of dialogue, and sadly, we were deprived of Uchenna's new English accent. Still, I'm sure the deleted scenes would reveal him saying to the bartender, "Bloody good ale, this is! Might you pour me another one, good sir? Brilliant!"

Anyway, Rob and Amber were first to leave the Pit Stop and quickly learned they'd be flying to Kingston Jamaica and then cabbing it over to a place called "Frenchman's Cove." Don't know much about this Frenchman's Cove spot, but chances are it's smelly. Rimshot! Yes, a little French humor to kick start this recap. Hey, did you hear the one about the French guy in the cheese factory? ...Um, okay, I really don't know any good French jokes. Quel dommage!

With their new destination set, Rob and Amber moseyed on over to Heathrow to book their flights, but unfortunately, the good people at Air Jamaica weren't working at the counter, mon. And so Ramber sought out an internet kiosk, which was amusing only to hear Rob read "In-ter-net acc-cess." Dude, it's in English. You don't have to sound it out.

Showing up at the airport next were Ron and Kelly who also found themselves waiting for Air Jamaica to open up. With plenty of time to kill, Kelly decided now would be a great time to plan out her future with Ron. She explained that she was a quality woman, and if Ron doesn't see that, then he's going to miss out. Yes, imagine all the quality nagging and complaining and neediness he'll never get to experience again. For shame, Ron. And I thought being a POW made you appreciate the finer things!

Well, turns out being in the army gave Ron an intense aversion to authority and control, two things he feared from marriage. Listen Kelly, if your love reminds Ron of the military in a BAD way, well, maybe it's time to reexamine your relationship. Alas, such logic escaped the beauty queen as she sobbed to Ron: "Ahhh luv yooo!" She then spent the next fifteen minutes complaining about his fingernails.

The last team out of the gate was Uchenna and Joyce who reminded us how when the race started, they were quarreling all the time. "We've been looking at options that don't include being together," Uchenna said diplomatically, adding "You know, separation, divorce, murder. Whichever works."

Anyway, all three teams wound up on the same flight to Kingston, and upon arriving, Uchenna immediately waxed nostalgically. "We have a fun time coming to Jamaica on holiday," he said. He then added, "I did enjoy England ever so much, but all the lorries really made quite a racket. I could barely eat my Pimms and strawberries, even in the comfort of my flat - located on the second storey of course!"

Having less of a good time was Ron, who managed to direct his constant flow of passive aggression onto the entire country of Jamaica. "Ah, the smell of a third world country again," he said. No, Ron, that's just your girlfriend. ZING! Take THAT, Kelly! Meanwhile, the Jamaican Tourism Board has this message for Ron: "Thanks, dipshit."

Eventually, the three teams found Frenchman's Cove which was the home of the next Roadblock. One member of each duo had eight chances to limbo dance under a pole. The lower the pole, the sooner the team would get to leave the next morning (all three groups had to spend the night). As the three women all attacked the challenge, Rob happily encouraged his woman by what was supposed to be a show of support, but really felt more like loud barking. Rob Mariano: Most annoying limbo spectator EVER!

Somebody decapitated Joyce! MEDIC!

Anyway, Kelly and Amber had no trouble bending backwards for the earliest departure time, but Joyce simply could not reach that one last rung. With one attempt left, Uchenna urged, "No more mistakes." Sorry, but is flexibility a mistake? I can just imagine Joyce snapping, "I'm not as young and limber as Kelly and Amber. Oops, my bad. Shouldn't have aged."

The next morning, teams had to make their way to the upper Rio Grande for their next clue. As he and Amber rode along in their cab, Rob mused about winning the big prize: "[We have a] 33% chance of making more money than most people make in a lifetime." AGAIN (just saying).

Well, teams more or less all arrived at the next clue at the same time (Uchenna and Joyce were fifteen minutes behind) and came upon this leg's Detour: Raft It or Build It. In the first option, teams had to take a traditional bamboo raft eight miles down a river, using only a pole to move them along. The second option had teams assembling one of those bamboo rafts, then crossing the Rio Grande with it, climbing up a hillside, and then retrieving the next clue. Unsurprisingly, everyone chose to build the rafts which meant we got to see about five or ten minutes of a MacGuyver-esque montage as teams hammered bamboo with rocks, tied wires, and grew mullets. Okay, maybe not the last one. Of course, the difference between this and MacGuyver (other than the noticeable lack of Richard Dean Anderson) was the presence of Kelly who bitched and moaned and complained like the Southern princess she is. Ron didn't make things better with his catty remarks and subtle put downs. You know, she may be the beauty queen, but Ron's the true bitch.

With Ron and Kelly facing a mild meltdown, Uchenna and Joyce were able to make up for lost time very quickly, causing Rob to fret a little bit. He was curt with Amber from time to time, but she simply smiled it off, joking that she'll do whatever makes him happy, but "After the race, you can make me happy." Oh AMBAH! Look at you! Little Miss Comedienne! Make that Little Miss Horny Comedienne!

The Ramber hijinks continued later as they crossed the river and climbed up the slippery slope to the clue. Upon returning to the raft, Amber slipped and fell butt-first onto the seat of the raft. Careful AMBAH!! How is Rob going to make you happy later if you're already pounding your ass now? Moments later, Rob had his own problems when he somehow lost his shoe in the river. "My sneakah! My sneakah!" he yelled, adding "I nevah lose my sneakah when I pahk the cahh in Hahhvahhd Yahhhd."

This kind of looks like Amber's getting impaled on a pole. Cool.

Anyway, Uchenna and Joyce finished the Detour first and learned that the next stop would be in Montego Bay where teams would find Phil and the mat. The two hopped in a cab with a driver named Mikey, and while they were in first place, their lead was dwindling with Ramber nipping at their heels. Rob told his driver Tyson (Mikey? Tyson? Where's that cabbie Evander and his good friend Holyfield?) to get on Uchenna and Joyce's tail, and for a moment, it looked like Tyson was going to pull some trickery by telling his cabbie friend to pull over for gas. Surely we expected that as soon as Mikey got out to pump some fuel, Tyson would peel out of there, but no! Mikey seemed to get a thimble's worth of gas before zooming away while Tyson chilled out, filled up the tank, maybe played the lotto.

Things went from bad to worse for Ramber as they were pulled over for a random police check. Wouldn't it be awesome if the officer just wanted an autograph? Finally, the fame comes back to bite them in the ass! Sadly, there were no such ironic twists in the adventure. It was just an average police checkpoint. However, even though Rob and Amber seemed to be indisposed for only five minutes or so, it was still enough time for Ron and Kelly to sneak into second place, infuriating our Boston man. Around this time, Kelly babbled about something, but I don't really remember what since I was distracted by what looked to be a stuffed elephant dangling and flapping outside her window. Good god! They've got Babar! And they're torturing him! WHY??? Oh the humanity!

Babar desperately tries to get Kelly's attention.

Anyway, stuck in last place, Rob knew his luck might be running out. He really needed a miracle, he said. Well ask and you shall receive. Moments later, Uchenna and Joyce were suddenly sidelined with a flat tire. That's awfully fishy timing. Okay, which CBS intern threw tacks on the road? CLEARLY this was a CBS conspiracy again!

Well, for this leg of the race Ron and Kelly came in first place, and surprise, they won no prize. Oddly enough, Ramber won a trip to Mexico for placing second. Okay, not really. "Uchenner" and Joyce arrived last, but of course, this was non-elimination which meant they had to hand over all their belongings. "Man, you guys got some money!" crowed Phil, his head filling with fantasies of a turtleneck shopping spree. Listen Koeghan, we're keeping an eye on you. They better get every last cent back, or else you're looking at a lifetime of mock turtlenecks! Think you can live with that? I DIDN'T THINK SO!

Anyway, when we returned from the commercial break, Phil reintroduced us to Jamaica, saying that the "rugged northwest coast of Jamaica" served as the latest Pit Stop on a race around the world. Did he just say "rugged"? Yes, that gentle breeze, the soothing waves, the swaying palm trees: pure hell, I tell you! (What are the odds that someone's going to leave a comment saying "Well, actually, the coast of Jamaica gets rather cold and choppy in the winter months, not to mention hurricane season!")

Well, after leaving the Pit Stop, teams then had to find a bag of onions in the town of Lucea and deliver it to a jerk shack (as in "jerk pork". It wasn't a shack full of jerks, dumbass). Ron and Kelly were first to leave, and while they fetched a taxi, Kelly once again teared up in an interview as she re-emphasized her desire to simply get married. Honestly, Kelly, give it a rest already. Part of me thinks she's less enthused about getting married to Ron than she is about receiving a grandiose reality wedding like Trista & Ryan and now Ramber.

Later, when Ron and Kelly had snatched a cab, they got lost trying to find not only Lucea, but the place with the onion bags. "It's like a needle in a haystack of needles," Ron explained. Well said, Ron. And by the way, here is your certificate of redundancy certificate. By the way, is it actually possible to have a "haystack of needles"? Wouldn't that be a "needle stack" instead? Shut up, Ron.

While Ron and Kelly drove around the island, Rob and Ambah found the onions and then the jerk shop relatively quickly. Once there, they learned they'd have to chop up fifty onions before getting their next clue. The two immediately got to work, and after some time, were joined by Ron and Kelly. Yes, the ever exciting mincing competition. Personally, I was surprised that Ron didn't pipe up and say, "This kind of reminds me of when I was on KP in the army. Actually, I wasn't on KP, but I remember one night thinking about onions in my bunk. Hey, did I ever tell you I was in the military?"

Meanwhile, newly impoverished racers Uchenna and Joyce couldn't even entertain the idea of finding the onions (or needles in haystacks for that matter) because they had no cash. Even worse, their Pit Stop was relatively isolated, and despite being in a resort, at 3:00 AM, there weren't many people around to beg money from. Luckily, the two managed to hitch a ride to the airport where they figured they'd have better luck finding people with spare change. This strategy didn't pan out so well as the two spent what seemed like hours begging for cash. The real problem was that Uchenna did all the talking, instead of sweet Joyce. Honestly, he just had no game. At one point he offered to perform tricks for money. "I can do cartwheels. I can do a jig," he said, adding "Basically, I can do any sort of racial stereotype."

Well, Joyce lost faith in the entire exercise, and as Uchenna hugged his crying wife, we cut away to commercial. I have to say that there were a lot of crappy commercials last night (unfortunately, I was watching live, so the Tivo was of no use in this department), but I was particularly impressed with a Botox spot that started with a woman boasting, "I got back into my favorite jeans." Because of Botox? What did she do? Botox her ass? Anyway, this commercial was eventually followed by Los Angeles's very own KCBS promoting its eleven o'clock news with a story about traveling to Cuba. The anchor teased us by saying "Visit the forbidden paradise The Amazing Race couldn't and find out why most Americans can't go there." Uh, let me guess: a forty year embargo? Fidel Castro? I'm stumped. But seriously, thank you CBS for reporting on breaking news from 1965.

But back to the action. So when we last left our teams, Ramber and Relly were chopping onions at the jerk shack. Well, they were still there, and Kelly was getting a little cocky. "Martha Stewart, watch out!" she joked, looking away from her knife. How funny would it have been had she accidentally nicked herself, sending a torrent of blood all over her onions. Okay, maybe it wouldn't have been funny, but it surely would have been interesting.

Anyway, Rob and Amber finished first and headed to their next clue at a place called Rose Hall. There they found the Detour which was a choice between Pony Up and Tee It Up. In Pony Up, teams had to engage in horseback swimming. Basically, they had to ride a horse into the ocean, and when it started swimming, teammates had to dismount and grab onto the horse's tail. Wow, what an incredibly odd sport. Kind of like water skiing before the era of motorboats. In Tee It Up, teams simply had to change into golf clothing and hit balls on a range. Once a team's ball landed on a specific (and small) green, it could receive its next clue.

Ramber predictably chose golf, and in just two short seconds, our innocence was lost as we watched a doughy Rob undress to his skivvies for the challenge. But hey, at least he was fast, unlike Ron who took even longer to change than his beauty queen girlfriend. I'm not really sure what the holdup was, but I'm thinking he probably had a POW flashback. Maybe the Iraqis tortured him with Titlist apparel?

While Uchenna and Joyce finally raised enough funds to fetch their onions, the other two teams got to work hitting their golf balls. This of course led to a highly enjoyable montage of golf bloopers as Kelly in particular whiffed several times in a row. My god, why is that always so funny? I remember one time playing racquetball and having the biggest whiff ever. For some reason, about ten people witnessed this, and I just remember hearing laughter. Lots and lots of laughter. Gotta respect that though. Whiff = good comedy. Anyway, Kelly's whiffing was particularly amusing, only because she had just bragged about having taken golf lessons recently. Apparently, by "golf" she meant "whining". I really wish she wouldn't use so many code words like that. She Kellys golf!

Kelly, just imagine the ball is Ron's head. That'll help the whiffing problem.

As for Ron, he wasn't really whiffing as much as he was overshooting. Maybe that's because he was using a DRIVER! Dude, it's only 135 yards away! (This comes from me, the 75 Yard Wonder). Anyway, Rob hit the green first, and surprisingly, Kelly did as well. Where to next? San Juan, Puerto Rico! Both teams headed to the airport where they learned that the next flight to San Juan was no longer ticketing. "We're screwed!" moaned Amber as we went to commercial break. Of course, two seconds later, they found a flight leaving even earlier and booked tickets on it. Where's your defeatist attitude now, AMBAH???

Well, Ramber flew off to San Juan where they then had to seek out an old fort with about twelve different names (okay, maybe it wasn't that bad: its name was the "Castillo de San Felipe del Morro Fort"). There they learned that they'd now have to travel 87 miles across the island to a sugar factory. Ah, but would there be hours of operation? Methinks yes! Sure enough, by the time Rob and Amber arrived, the ole factory was shut down for the night. See, there was hope for Joychenna after all!

Speaking of Joychenna, the two finally reached the Detour, and from what we could tell, Uchenna made short work of the golf challenge (the editors could have been fooling us for all we know). Joyce ripped open the next clue and squealed with delight as she read "PUERTO RICO!" Hey, Jamaica ain't too shabby either. Uchenna then added, "My blokes and I rather enjoy visiting Puerto Rico on holiday!"

Anyway, yada yada yada, all three teams caught up with each other, and the next morning, when the gates opened up, everyone raced through the sugar factory to find the next clue. And guess what? It was the Roadblock! Would this be it? One last food challenge? Maybe a sugar cane beverage needed to be consumed? Sadly, no. Whoever was doing the Roadblock merely had to jump off a ledge into the ocean and swim to the next clue. Booo! That's not very creative. Who designed this? Phil's eyebrow? (Scratch that. Phil's eyebrow only designs naughty Roadblocks).

Well, this simplest of Roadblocks managed to stymy the shrewd duo of Rob and Amber who for some reason went running off into the grassy hillside. They eventually returned to the clue box, only to see that Uchenna and Ron had already completed the challenge. "How do we get down there?" asked Amber, looking down to the bridge she was supposed to jump off of. I don't know Amber. That's a good question. Might I suggest you take the staircase located DIRECTLY NEXT TO YOU!

Hmmm... I wonder if there's a staircase nearby...

While Amber gave herself a crash course in stairwells, the other two teams learned that the next destination was none other than sunny Miami, Florida. The producers were then kind enough to briefly play a some peppy cha-cha-cha music, just to drive the point home. Honestly, I feel like whenever anyone says "Miami," I hear cha-cha-cha music (unless I'm watching The OC. Then all I hear is Will Smith over and over again). Well, Joychenna and Rob and Kelly hit the road while Ambah languished in her Roadblock. The good news: she finally found the bridge. The bad news: afterwards, she was so exhausted, she could barely walk. In the visual metaphor of the season, Rob wound up physically carrying Amber on his back as they trudged to their car. Ambah, you're wicked heavy these days. Take off your sneakahs!

Anyway, even though the other two teams had a decent lead, leave it to Ramber to catch up thanks to a slow moving toll plaza. Once again, it was neck and neck with all three racing to the airport. Unfortunately for Ron and Kelly, they made some wrong turn (both blamed each other) and wound up on the wrong highway. Joychenna and Ramber, however, paid careful attention to the road signs with Joyce's eyes nearly bulging out of her skull. As for Rob, he attributed his navigational ease to the signage. "The little airport signs make it pretty easy," he said. Yeah, well, that's what they're there for. Rob later noted that "The stop signs really help me know when to stop. I like that."

Thing quickly became very intense in the airport as Ramber and Joychenna purchased tickets for the same flight to Miami. Ah, but upon hearing that a flight was boarding at that moment, Rob ran to that gate and asked for standby tickets. The doors were closing, the plane was leaving -- surely they were too late, right? WRONG. Rob and Amber happily traipsed aboard, thus cementing an important lead. As for Joyce and Uchenna, they learned of the boarding flight too late, and when they showed up at the gate, it was official this time: the flight was absolutely closed. Even the jetway was pulling back. That sucks. Once again Rob and Amber manage to sneak on by.

But wait! In an unprecedented moment for this season of The Amazing Race, people managed to bend the rules for non-Survivors! Yes, the gate agents phoned the pilot to see if Joyce and Uchenna could get on board, and wouldn't you know it, he said yes! The ground crew even rolled the jetway back out. Wow. Was this the end of Ramber's luck? Possibly. The plane flew off to Miami where a pseudo Miami Vice theme played on the soundtrack. Listen, Amazing Race composer, you're no Jan Hammer, so back off, man. BACK OFF!

Anyway, after landing teams then had to go to a causeway for the next clue. Once again, Rob and Amber managed to somehow gain a solid lead on their competition for no apparent reason. They easily snagged the next clue which had them go to Little Havana and find a cigar shop called the King of the Havanas. The only catch: the store's name was actually more commonly known by its Spanish name, "El Rey de los Habanos." Tricky. Very tricky. Rob immediately went about asking random people for "The King of the Havanas," but no one seemed to have heard of it. My favorite moment came when Rob cornered a random woman on the street:

"King of the Havanas?" he asked.

"I don't know," she replied.

"You own it???" responded Rob excitedly. AMBAH! AMBAH! It's the OWNAH!

Sadly for Rob, he had simply misheard the woman in his frantic state, and so the hunt resumed. Finally, he found a woman who said the store was on 27th, and with that, Ramber was off to the next clue. Wow, they're really going to win this thing, huh?

Or were they?? Joyce and Uchenna's cabbie asked a local where the King of Havanas was, and in a bit of luck, the driver asked in Spanish, which meant the person immediately recognized "El Rey de los Habanos." Point was, the store was on 11th, not 27th. Oh damn. This was exactly the sort of break Joychenna needed to move ahead. Sure enough, they found the store quickly and received the next clue which told them to find the Finish Line in Ft. Lauderdale. Okay, heart is pounding rather heavily right now.

As for Ramber, not only was there no cigar shop on 27th, their taxi had abandoned them. YES. The two had a brief glimmer of hope as they saw the word "King" on a yellow sign, but it turned out to be nothing but a tire shop. Nice misdirection, MIAMI.

Meanwhile, Joyce and Uchenna encountered a small problem. They had run out of money for their cab. Uchenna tried to earn some quick cash by sticking his head out a window and asking a stranger for twenty bucks (you know, only the shadiest request EVER), but surprise, surprise, they were rejected. Eventually, Joyce and Uchenna arrived at the Finish Line but couldn't head over to it until they'd paid off their cabbie a steep $40. Personally, i would have just bolted, but I guess Joyce and Uchenna have "morals", whatever those are. The two frantically ran around, trying to extract spare cash off of tourists and locals. One man told Uchenna that begging wasn't the way to earn money. Asshole, he's on a game show! Can't you see the cameras following him? He has no choice!!

Of course, the editors were sure to keep us on our toes by cutting away from this nerve-wracking scenario to show Rob and Amber suddenly getting their acts together and heading to the Pit Stop. Had I not been so consciously aware of reality show tricky editing, I would have thought Rob and Amber were but a mere block away by the time Joyce and Uchenna finally paid off their taxi. Luckily, this wasn't the case. In the end, it was Uchenna and Joyce who crossed the finish line, much to the delight of all the assembled teams (including the brothers who had grown a pair of goofy mustaches and sideburns). Phil of course stood with one eyebrow firmly raised as if to say, "I bet you didn't know that I'm an avid poncho collector. Well, I am."

"You must excuse me. I'm playing sax for The Miami Sound Machine tonight."

Hey, we like you guys. Don't push it.

Anyway, Joyce and Uchenna officially won the $1 million prize, and in the emotional minutes afterwards hugged, laughed, cried, and thanked the other teams. And what would they do with their new fortune? Work towards having a baby. "In vitro, here we come!" shouted Uchenna. And if that doesn't work, he added, "Adoption here we come!" And then of course "Kidnapping, here we come!" And finally, "Well, maybe we'll just get a Roomba."

Placing second were Rob and Amber who waltzed in to a significantly chillier reception. The collective hate flowing towards them was really quite impressive. Luckily, some warmth returned as Ron and Kelly galloped to the Finish Line a few hours later. Phil asked how the Race had affected the relationship, causing Kelly to babble for what felt like an eternity about her and Ron's relationship. Woman, you were a beauty queen. Don't you remember how to give a sweet, succinct, and disingenuous answer?

Anyway, the season ended with more loving words from Joyce and Uchenna and images of all the racers hugging. It was a fun ride, and even though I found myself angry at Rob and Amber, they truly brought the entertainment value of the season up. They were great villains, but also sharp players. Furthermore, they demonstrated that the bad guys can be a fully functional and respectful couple, even if they are reality TV whores.

What did you think? Were you happy with the results? Did you enjoy the season finale?

Fake Bake Mistake

This just in: Mikalah Gordon has become Latina.

Paula gets props from Simon. ABC notes her smile and later runs an exposé on their torrid affair.

Did this really warrant an entire national cutout? Not really any dots west of the Mississippi River...

Mikalah Gordon. New skunk hair: check. New spray-on tan: check. Old, super annoying persona: CHECK.
You were voted off. GO AWAY.
(By the way, I didn't know her mom was Sally Field)

Who else loves Mrs. Federov?

Anthony starts a ballad by sitting on the steps. HOW ORIGINAL!

And The Award Goes To...

We would love to thank everybody for playing the TVgasm One Year Anniversary Contests. We've all had a lot of fun this year and we thought this would be a great way to thank all of our readers. It's been a great start, and we we're working hard to make things better. You may find yourself bored out of your mind at work or with lots of extra time at home during the summer, but TVgasm well help you get through it just like we always have. Did I have a point here? Oh yes, that birthday thing.

It's Happy Birthday to us, but the readers get the gifts. I didn't know what to call our giveaway, so the generic one-year anniversary contest kind of stuck. I guess I could have called it just "The Gasms 2005", but what kind of statue do you get for winning a gasm. Oh, that's right, this one. After all of your submissions, we took a vote, and came up with the winners. Take a look at your Gasm winners for 2005 after the jump. (PS I'll be contacting all of you winners within the next week.)

Miss TVgasm 2005

This was one of the hardest categories. We had a lot of submissions, but narrowed it down to a few people that have been readers longer than almost everybody else. So thanks Genevieve for being with us as long as we can remember, and always a strong advocate for TVgasm. Genevieve writes:

I've being reading the site forever, have it linked on my LiveJournal, post constantly & laugh with every new entry.

If I were to win the Ms.TVgasm title I would wear or use whatever item I got from your store with pride & not disgrace the site (unless you asked me to).

And if I had 2 wishes, I would wish for world peace & that TVgasm become a successful magazine & perhaps a VH-1 show.

Mr. TVgasm 2005

We only had a few submissions for this one, but the choice was fairly easy. You know how we love celebrities here at TVgasm, so when a celebrity said that he wanted to be Mr. TVgasm, we just couldn't say no. Congratulations are in store for J. Dangle, of Reno, NV who writes:

I Feel I would be the best Mr.TVgasm allowable by law. I will maintain order in the great city of Gasmland, and serve and protect its fine citizens. As a former Reno, NV Sheriff I have come across all types of whack jobs in the line of duty, so not much can shock me, except for Midget Vampires... Brrrr I get the chills just thinking about those lil' ankle biters. Anyway vote for me as your new Mr.TVgasm because of my dashing fashion sense and rockin mustache grooming techniques. I promise a full year of Margaritta parties and mix tapes, and if you're good you might just get a little "stick time".

TVgasm Couple 2005

This was another category with great entries. There was, however, one submission that was head and shoulders above the rest for their commitment to their love of each other, of TVgasm and their contributions to the Marc Summers retirement fund. They are TVgasm readers B-rock and Husband:

How can you turn down Double Dare participants? The best game show ever to air on TV. Plus, my husband is wearing women's Kathy ireland pants from KMart - he need some sort of prize for that.

I believe that I should be Miss TVGasm because I want to be Janice Dickinson. She's my superrolemodel and only you, TVGasm, realize the brilliance that she is. Au Revoir BITCHES!!!

My husband (Scott) should be Mr. TVGasm because he sits with me and watches ANTM.

Most Outstanding TVgasm

This category had the most participants and was also hard to judge In the end Punkrox won with her life-changing moment:

My first and coincidentally my best “gasm” happened at work while reading “About A Boy” A recap of 24. Although I watch most of the shows that are bantered about on this site (I know, it’s pathetic but at least I admit it – that goes for YOU reading my stupid story right now) I particularly like to read TVgasm’s recap of 24 because

1. I didn’t realize until the 4th season that it was a comedy.
2. I enjoy everyone’s silly theories and
3. There are usually about 8 or 9 things that go over my head on any given episode and I like to read up so that I sound smarter at the water cooler.

So I’m at my desk innocently reading “About A Boy” (really not so innocently because enjoying things like surfing the net and smiling at my place of employment is frowned upon) and the next thing I know I can no longer read my screen because my body is quivering uncontrollably in laughter and I had somehow spewed overly creamed coffee all over my monitor (a la Linda Blair.) I had also brown-soaked the pile of neatly stacked papers on my adjacent aging and humorless coworkers desk. I call him “Slappy.” Slappy because he wears these sandal shoe thingies that suction and then unsuction to his feet which makes horse cantering sounds whenever he walks to the copier – which is about 400 times a day. So Slappy was seething and stained and shot a laser beam of red-hot hate at me through his monocle (okay they’re just regular old man glasses but I can totally see him with a monocle cause he’s always eating peanuts) and stared and stared and took off his monocle to clean off my splatter all the while never breaking his burning gaze.

Being unsuccessful in stifling my gulps, snorts, tremors and watering eyes I went outside and convulsed in public for a good 5 minutes until the buildings rent-a-cop who was “securing the perimeter” asked me to move along. Eventually I returned to my station and was surprised to see that my monitor was squeaky clean. Mysteriously, my desk showed no signs of the mishap and Slappy’s desk donned new pristinely white piles of neatly stacked paper. There was a strong scent of nail polish remover or something of the like in the air. I looked down to see a half a dozen dirty wet-naps in my waste basket. (It’s important to note that Slappy goes to KFC for lunch on a daily basis.) Slappy was working hard at staring at his computer and working harder to not look at me but I couldn’t help but notice that he had grown a few extra furrows in his brow. Containing the periodical jovial outbursts throughout the day was a challenge for me, to say the least, because sitting on the tipsiest tip of Slappy’s white collar was one lone drop of soaked in and dried up Starbuck which only reminded me of the gasm blurb I read that stared this fiasco.

What could I have possibly read that fueled me to spit on the meanest guy in the office???? (inject snotty tone, hands on hips and neck swivel,) Thanks in advance b-side!

Anyway, somewhere around here Marwan's cellphone rang, and I couldn't help noticing his extremely cheery, effeminate ringtone. Is he like a HYPERLINK "http://www.jamster.com/" Jamster fanatic? Does he have a cellphone wallpaper that's like Sprewell rims spinning ("Bling Bling Rims", if you will)? I half expected Habib to turn to a henchman and say "You like this ringtone? It's Omarion's latest single. I believe it's called 'O'. It's quite catchy. Anyway, I got to take this. Terrorist stuff."

All’s well that ends well though. The following week I got a promotion and an office and can read TVgasm all day long. Slappy must have given me a good review… (just to get me the hell away from him, I’m sure.)

Seriously, b-side. Thank you for helping me to succeed. You don’t just write a damn good recap, you change lives.

Create a TVgasm Banner

The winner goes to HicksPub for his excellent and well thought out TVgasm/guide banner:

Also receiving votes was TVgasm reader AM for her take on American Idol and The Apprentice banners:

You should see all of these banners in the rotation soon.

Who Are Those Masked Men?

Much has been made about our secret identities, but it seems that TVgasm reader Jess is haunted by the uncertainty more than others. And using Rosie's head on madeyoulaugh - pure genius.

So that's it everybody. Thanks again for everybody's submissions and thanks for reading TVgasm.

Kirsten is a Wreck

So, it's time for Part II of my special OC double feature. When we last left the folks from Newport, just about everybody was cheatin' on everybody else. Seth cheated on Summer, Summer cheated on Seth. Kirsten cheated on Sandy, but only because she suspected Sandy had cheated on her before. Julie cheated on Caleb with Lance(well, kissed him at least), but we knew that was coming because she cheated on him before with Jimmy. A good part of this entire season was devoted to the aftermath of Caleb cheating on his wife many years ago. Marissa didn't really cheat on anybody, but her whole relationship with Ryan started when she was cheating on Luke. Ryan would cheat on people, but his vagina is too shallow and won't allow it. Oh, and did I mention Kirsten is now officially an alcoholic and Trey tried to force some sex on Marissa? We have a lot to take care of with three episodes left.

When I saw that Kirsten pulled the vodka bottle out of the freezer (which is a magical, no condensation freezer so the bottle isn't frosted like the bottles, yes plural, in my freezer), I thought that in typical OC fashion, the whole thing would be over within three episodes. First we would see Kirsten drinking all the time, then there would be an episode where Sandy catches on and gets worried, and finally we would see the consequences in the third episode where she probably crashes into something. In even more typical OC fashion, they didn't even wait that long, at least for the first part.

Kirsten is in the kitchen, depressed, making herself a bloody mary with some V8. The problem is that this bloody mary is about 90% vodka with a dash of tomato juice. Sandy comes in, and she tries to hide it from him, saying she just wanted some tomato juice. Seth and Ryan come in, and they are discussing what Seth should say to Summer about the whole, "I performed oral on a girl on national TV" thing. Sandy says he should tell the truth because you start to get in trouble when you hide things. Suddenly, Kirsten has a guilty look on her face, and she should, since she is hiding both having kissed another man and binge drinking from her husband. As she leaves, she leaves her glass in the sink, which Sandy just happens to see. Is she looking to get caught? She was so careful hiding the bottle, you would think she would be smart enough to pour the glass down the drain, or at least finish the drink. There is no reason for Sandy to find it other than they are trying to cram the whole progression of her disease down our throats in one episode. They wouldn't do that now, would they?

Marissa is also trying to hide the effects of her problem, which really isn't even her problem at all. Trey read her friendship signals and with a help of some cocaine thought those feelings translated into some sort of sexual attraction. He tried to force himself upon her, and she had to literally beat him off with a stick. Trey wants to blame it on the drugs and for Marissa to forgive him, but it's not so easy for her. She was assaulted and it's not just something that you let go. It's really one of worst scenarios because Marissa has nobody to turn to, then again maybe she doesn't know where to get help. Now I think Trey is truly sorry for what he did, but he can't think that simply acting like it didn't happen will make it go away.

At school, Marissa can barely talk to Ryan. She is not only trying to hid the mark Trey left on her when he roughed her up in the sand, but somehow has to deal with knowing that the person who did that two her was the brother of perhaps the only person she has ever, really, truly loved. As messed up as all of that is, there is even more complications to deal with. Jess believes, or is at least pretending to believe, that she has a future with Trey. She gets to have a taste of danger, and he gets to have a piece of some barely legal ass. Jess is quite unhappy with how much attention Trey is giving to Marissa, even though Marissa won't give him the time of day. Since she can't get Trey to listen to her, Jess begins to make some moves on Ryan, perhaps looking to start a sibling rivalry. Ryan wants nothing to do with her, but Jess is determined and already we can see she'll go to great lengths to keep Trey to herself, or at the very least keep Marissa out of their lives.

Trey does finally corner Marissa near her car outside of school the next day. For somebody that is desperate to apologize, he is really going about it the wrong way. Again he tries to tell her he was out of his mind. Marissa turns to leave, and he grabs her arm. More would have happened, but Ryan comes in at the last minute. The other two act like nothing has happened, and make up some excuses to leave before much of anything else can be said.

Seth and Summer had a very uncomfortable reunion at school as well. Seth took his dad's advice and went to tell her the whole thing. She said that she knew about the whole thing, and she didn't seem that upset. In fact, it look like she was mostly pissed because she had taken the time to start another relationship with Seth, and she thought it was going to be different, but she was wrong. He was always going to find some Coheny Cohenism to upset her all over again. Seth seemed like he was prepared for anything she was going to tell him, except for the words that actually came out of her mouth. Summer told Seth she had kissed Zach, and she just doesn't know what is going happen. Listen, I know that Seth is a funny guy and so very indie and yada, yada, yada, but there is a certain point where you stop believing his scrawny ass could score such great tail, and there is another point where you look at what he does to ruin the relationship with the girl of his dreams, and you just don't care how he deals with it anymore.

Zach has his own issues with the kiss. It's become obvious that he was trying to win her back, but he wants to know if the kiss they shared was revenge, or if there was something more going on. Summer admits that it was a little bit of both, but she really just wants to be left alone and not deal with things right now. Seth sees the two of them talking, and interrupts, intent on making sure Zach, who he know sees is a traitor doesn't get to take advantage of that little incident in Miami to get closer to Summer. Just as things get heated, Zach pulls out the ultimate trump card. He cares about Summer so much, he's going to quit the comic book! It's something that Seth should have done all along. We find out alter that Zach is under contract, and Reed isn't going to so kind as to let him out of it, but the thought that he would give it all up still impresses Summer.

When Summer leaves, we see a little nasty side of Zach. Maybe his incredibly cool, incredibly nice demeanor was really all an act? He reminds Seth that it is going to take "more than quick quips and pulp culture laden bromides to win the hear of Ms. Vixen". Zach also reminds Seth that he is a water polo player, and water polo players are never nice. Finally! Somebody with some edge in this damned town! After he let himself get stepped on so often, I thought Zach was completely without a spine. Still, it would be more believable if he just kicked Seth's ass, or had one of his teammates do it.

Kirsten, meanwhile, is still drinking herself silly, or at least drinking herself passed out. When she finally got to the office the first day after Carter left, she learns that he had bought her a present, a gold necklace with a charm. Again, we assume that there was some connection there, and it appears that it is the most wonderful gift she has ever received. She wears it the next day, and Sandy immediately notices it, and wonders if it is new. She is clearly deceptive, and also a little upset when she notices Sandy had finished the tomato juice, meaning her bloody mary would no be straight vodka with ice. Then again, maybe straight vodka was the perfect thing to keep her happy.

Kirsten gets home, calls Carter, and gets his voicemail. Maybe she sobered up at work, because she decides that it is wrong during the middle of her message and ends with the never popular "don't call me back". This just leads her to drink even more, and Sandy finds her that night, lying in the couch passed out from all the booze. The next day, Sandy makes her breakfast in bed, and also tries to relay his concerns about how much she is drinking. She is in denial, no surprise, and says she will cut back eventually. As crazy at it sounds that Kirsten is going to cut back on the drinking, anything is possible. They say even the cookie monster isn't going to be so careless with his meals, so maybe KiKi will be able to last on only a couple of bottles a day.

Ryan is not completely convinced that nothing is wrong with Marissa, so he goes to the Bait Shop to ask his brother if anything strange happened. After all, he was with her most of the whole weekend. Trey is defensive, and very nervous, and says he has to get back to work. Ryan is suspecting something, but not telling us. Then, out of nowhere, Jess shows up by the Bait Shop as well. She just had to see Ryan and tell him all about her sexual fantasies, like having two brothers at once. We know Ryan isn't too kinky, the shallow vagina almost prohibits it, but when she says that she is not the only person into brothers, he can't help but wonder what the hell is going on. I also have to chime in here. OK, so Trey has those rugged good looks, but why are we supposed to believe that Jess wants to be on his dick all day? What kind of exchange is that "Hey Trey, I'll provide the drugs and let you have sex with me all day, all you have to do is have sex with me all day. Oh, and please treat me like shit and tell me you aren't interested in a relationship. I'll always come back for more" What the hell is that?

Seth was able to get back at Zach with the help of the comic book club. He had them report on the whereabouts of Zach and Summer, and he accidentally bumps into them long enough to tell Summer that Zach can't leave the book club because of his contract. This probably wouldn't have pissed Summer off so much if Zach had told her right away. She thought she was getting something different from Zach, but it turns out his lies are getting to be like Seth's. Summer does take some time to evaluate the situation, and she comes to the realization that perhaps it's not her boys that are the problem. As the saying goes, behind every strong man, there is a woman. And the woman behind both of her men goes by the name of Reed.

Summer heads down to the local comic book shop. Reed is busy preparing the launch of the graphic novel. Summer really wants to reign down some mighty vengeance, Loki style, but Reed begins to manipulate her as well. The guys may make the comics, but there is one person who has the face to sell the comics, and that is Ms. Vixen. Although she sees right through Reed's transparent attempt at some influence, Summer likes what she hears. This graphic novel has caused her all of this trouble, why can't she get anything out of it?

At the opening, Seth is doing his best to completely bore the audience, describing the whole novel frame by frame. He and Zach have a petty little fight over a water bottle, but Reed really knows that will bring the crowd to their feet and that is Ms. Vixen all dressed up in stretch vinyl ready to whip anybody into shape (literally, she actually has a whip). The guys see Summer, and realize what they have been missing. During Summer's time signing autograph's Seth is able to pull her away and gets on his hands and knees to say how much he loves her. Zach catches him, and they begin to fight. As hard as it is for me to believe that Seth can get any hot girl he wants, it is even more laughable to imagine Seth actually winning a fight, but he actually holds his own against the tough water polo player. In the tussle, Summer gets hit in the face, so she cracks the whip to stop the fight. The guys want her to decide who she wants to be with, but unlike Average Joe, she isn't just going to take the hot one without any thought. She says she wants neither of them. To show them what they missed, I hope she bangs like half the school or makes her own porno. That would teach them for neglecting her hot body for so long.

Returning to the Cohen house, Kirsten is still dealing with the Carter issues, and then there is this whole thing with Sandy and the drinking. Out of nowhere, Julie Cooper-Nichol comes over to get a little advice. Kirsten makes her a pretty stiff screwdriver, and she begins to go on about her sex life with Caleb, which at this point in non-existant. Although they said they would try to work it out, Caleb hasn't exactly been friendly. Julie tried to make eggs benedict, but Caleb laughs at the thought of her making him that when he has a heart condition. He obviously isn't interested in her in bed, so what is left for this relationship? Not a whole lot I would have to say.

What Julie doesn't know is that Caleb received the pictures of her with Lance. If there was anything that would convince Caleb to give it up after all that happened, that photo evidence was proof. Caleb being Caleb, he comes up with the most cowardly way to dump her. Invite her to dinner at a fancy restaurant and have her served with divorce papers. Julie storms into Caleb's office, and wonders why the hell he is divorcing her. He shows her the pictures, but she threatens to take him down in any way possible. We then get the bombshell of all bombshells. Caleb had hinted that he knew more about Julie than a lot of people were led to believe during the time he was paying off Lance. It turns out she had been followed for a while, even before they were married. Caleb knows about Luke and Jimmy Cooper too. And I know it won't happen, but just imagine how funny it would be having Julie Cooper working for a living. the writers could get what, 2 or 3 episodes with that story line? Maybe a substitute teacher who works as an escort at night? Whatever is going to happen in the future, Caleb says she has a week to move out of his house.

When Sandy gets back, he finally asks Kirsten straight up what the deal is with her. He cuts straight to the chase and asks if she was upset about Carter, and then asks if they were having an affair. Kirsten, of course, counters with the whole Rebecca scenario. I had been on Kirsten's side during the Rebecca thing, but right now I don't know. Having an affair to get back at your spouse isn't that great of an excuse. Just because a person drinks a lot of wine doesn't mean he is going to be an animal in bed. I think Sandy handled it quite well, but Kristen leaves upset anyway.

A little while later, Sandy runs into Ryan. By now they are way too late to make it to Seth's comic book opening, and they both can't locate their women. Not too long before, Ryan thought everything was alright. Marissa came into the pool house and started making out with Ryan right away. It looked like they were getting back into the groove of things, but whenever Marissa looked up, all she could see was Trey's face. Whenever she closed her eyes, all she could remember was Trey holding her down on the ground. She pushes Ryan off, and leaves.

Ryan gave the situation some thought, and then decided to he had to see her to find out what was wrong. By the time he gets to her house, he is only the second Atwood that decided to pay Marissa a visit. Trey comes into her room while she is crying to herself. He says if she won't forgive him, she better not try tell anything to Ryan and only leaves when Marissa threatens to call the police. Ryan is at the back entrance and sees that Trey is leaving. We don't see anything else, but we know that things are starting to click. Marissa spent the weekend with Trey, and now she doesn't want to talk to Ryan. She is even scared to touch him. Whenever he sees either of them, they are both in denial that anything happened. And then you have Jess saying that Marissa likes brothers. We obviously know the scenario he is building in his head is not true.

Judging by past OC episodes, Ryan will blow up at Marissa, will later find the truth and feel bad about it, and then try and kick his brother's ass/send him back to jail. You can bet that there will be a seen where Ryan points his finger at Trey, pauses for a moment, and then yells "I SHOULD HAVE NEVER TRUSTED YOU" or "I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!"

This episode has been kind of a downer, but it soon takes a turn for the better. Sandy had been searching for Kirsten, but couldn't find her. He is driving around Newport, but she is at a bar drinking herself silly. She has been drinking martinis, and orders one more from the bartender. Instead of drinking it though, she places her necklace next to the full glass. Sort of like when your dog died and you buried his favorite chew toy with him, it gives you a little closure. She gets in her car and calls Sandy to tell him she is sorry. After everything with Carter, she says she was confused. She didn't know what was going to happen, and she thought he was going to lose her. At least somebody is getting back together this episode, right?

Uh, not quite.

Sandy tells Kirsten to pull over so he can come get her. He knows that she is drunk and wants to make sure she is safe. Kirsten is not only driving drunk, but she is on the cell phone. She drops it, and when she reaches to pick it up, she doesn't see the light change to red ahead of her. She stops just before she is about to run into another car. After her close call, she is so relieved, but she is in the middle of the intersection, and some people didn't have time to stop. There weren't many people on the road, but there was a garbage truck, and it hit her car squarely on the passenger side. Her SUV flips over, and we have no idea how seriously she is hurt.

Well, the OC has now had two seasons where they had a drunken crash following a breakup. First it was Luke after Julie, and now it is Kirsten after Carter. They weren't really a couple, but they still broke up. We all know that she isn't going to die. I kind of wish that they extended her problem for a few more episodes. There was no rule that said she couldn't have been an alcoholic when Carter was still around. Still, it looks like they wanted to end the season on the cliffhangers of what Julie Cooper will do to save her money and her status, and what Ryan will do when he learns his brother tried to rape his girlfriend.

"Hey!" Count: Episode - 20, Season Total - 296 [Thanks for the reminder Bones]

Jacko Must Packo

The National Enquirer is reporting that Michael Jackson, star of 1974 TV movie Free To Be You And Me, has sold his bait...sorry...make that home, which he has lived in since 1988 (or as Jackson recalls, "Joey Lawrence's expiration date").

Jackson has reportedly sold the estate for $36 million, or as his accountant Niel Rosbaum had to explain it, 1 and 2/3 molested children.

Jacko's financial troubles have become more and more public in recent years, causing all of his special friends to step forward now to stake claim to what is more commonly being refered to as "being Culkin'ed," "the Feldman fondle," or simply "the cost of their taint."

Story Developing

Big Trouble In Little China

Lots of things are going haywire as we gallop to the finish line on 24. Not only is the President hovering near death and not only is a nuclear missile about to kill Milwaukee and not only did CTU accidentally start a war -- A WAR!! -- with China (smacking forehead), but Audrey of all people has a bug so far up her ass, you would have thought her husband had just died. Oh wait. Okay, so maybe her husband did die (minor detail), but must she sully the emotionally frozen hallways of CTU with her incessant crying and needy stares? I don't know where Secretary of Defense Heller is, but I'd like to officially scold him for making today Take Your Daughter To Work Day.

When we last left the hectic workplace of CTU, Jack had just barged into the office trauma center (located next to the office vending machine) and demanded that the doctors save a witness named Lee. Unfortunately, since the CTU medical staff is largely inept and understaffed, this scuffle resulted in Paul Raines dying quietly in the corner (bad track record for the CTU docs today. Maybe next time they should take patients to, I don't know, a hospital?). Of course, Audrey witnessed the whole thing, causing her to devolve into a frantic whirlwind of tears and slaps.

This week we returned to this mini-ER, and thankfully, Audrey was nowhere to be seen. Instead, Jack had to contend with a pissy surgeon who was more than happy to hit a few passive aggressive fly balls into center field. Basically, all he did was end every sentence with an overemphasized "JACK!" (As in, "Okay, I get it, JACK!" or "Too bad Paul Raines died, JACK!" or "Did you see Paula Abdul on SNL this weekend, JACK?"). Well, badass Curtis couldn't stand this tense atmosphere; so he encouraged Jack to go stink up another part of CTU.

Of course, as soon as Jack stepped out of the OR he encountered Audrey bawling on a nearby bench. The two hugged, and Audrey sobbed, "How could you?" How could he what? Save your life? Because that's what he did earlier that day, you ungrateful wench. Alas, those events had clearly shifted to the back of her mind as she seemed solely focused on the sad fate of her husband. Audrey suddenly turned away from Jack and cried, paving the way for an enjoyably melodramatic moment, courtesy of Kiefer Sutherland.

Jack reached out his hand to touch his wayward girlfriend, but alas, he could not! His fingers were nothing but vessels of pain and suffering. Behold young maiden! Your knight seeks your love! Cry not for your fallen mate! But it was not to be. Jack simply kept his distance, letting his emotions hang in the empty void between his fingertips and her ass. Somewhere, Ingmar Bergman had a tear in his eye.

Eventually, Jack simply asked Audrey what she wanted him to do. "I want you to leave," she replied. Uh, actually, he kind of works there. Maybe you have another request? "Make me some popcorn." Done and done!

Meanwhile, over at Chloe's desk, our quirky computer analyst was fretting over some traffic spikes on the internet (I think we can thank TVgasm's Rosie O'Donnell video for that, thank you very much). "The Cisco System is self-defending!" complained Chloe urgently. Maybe she should use a blowfish algorithm. Or better yet, set up a hard perimeter on the internet. That'll stop the traffic! Sadly, my ideas were unrealized as Buchanan simply told Chloe "We don't have time for your personality disorder." Hey bub, we don't have time for your blandness disorder, but we're not complaining. Okay, I guess we are. Honestly though, can we get back Erin Driscoll already?

At the White House, President Palmer was in damage control mode. If only Sherry Palmer were alive, then maybe she could help clean up this whole Chinese Consulate mess. You know she'd put on her little trench coat and suddenly pull up all sorts of illicit photos of the consulate having sex with a boar or something. Then she'd go over there, and with any luck, maybe kill a guy in a wheelchair. Alas, Sherry was dead (I believe we're coming up on her one year TV death anniversary), and so Palmer had to fix this all on his own. His plan: blame the attack on a radical Chinese terrorist group. I guess that's a decent coverup. Here's a better one: blame it on HABIB MARWAN! You know, the guy Lee was running from anyway!

Anyway, over at the Chinese consulate, things were going from bad to worse. Change, the head of security for the consulate, was sure the Americans were behind the attack. All he had to do was find the proof. Luckily for him, he seemed to have the same high tech security systems as CTU, therefore allowing him to sharpen and enhance camera footage from the invasion. Lo and behold, one of Jack's brilliant cohorts had his mask raised for about one second, which was all the time Chang needed to pinpoint his exact name and identity. Turns out the culprit was none other than... Howard? Who's Howard? Why not use Agent Castle? (I've haven't liked him ever since he stuck his finger in Dina Araz's bullet wound. And by the way, where IS Behrooooooz?)

Meanwhile, as an international crisis blossomed in the wee hours of the morning, Habib Marwan arrived at his latest hideout which apparently was a fishing net factory. Yes, nothing says "ominous terrorist compound" like random nets hanging from the ceiling. You never know when an errant school of tuna might come barging through.

Marwan orchestrates his latest attack: a giant fishing net over Chicago!

Back at CTU, Chloe reached out to Jack, but her gestures seemed to go unappreciated. She tried to make him feel better about Audrey, but then of course added, "You probably destroyed your relationship with her." Smooth Chloe. Very smooth. Still, she did reaffirm that she'd always be there for Jack, no matter what. Could this be the beginning of a Jack-Chloe-Edgar love triangle? DON'T TEASE US, 24!

Anyway, after a little CTU meeting headed up by Buchanan (seriously, are they going to give Michelle anything to do?), our old friend Chang called up and spoke to, uh, Michelle (okay, never mind). He wanted to come by investigate CTU, but Michelle wasn't about to let him. She coldly rejected him, causing Chang to threaten that he'd call Secretary of State Taylor. Uh oh. You don't want to get Taylor involved. (Um, who is Taylor again?) Personally, I don't know why the writers would open up the door for yet another government character when this could be the perfect opportunity to reintroduce Heller into the mix. Then again, 24 has never been known for its economy of characters. Let's not forget that we've seen three presidents in this season alone.

Meanwhile, Jack had to get some info from Audrey which of course led to inevitable awkwardness. You should go back to the hotel room, get some rest, advised Jack, but Audrey would have none of it. This country needed her, dammit, and if pouting in the corner would help capture the terrorists, then so be it! Sadly, Jack refrained from extending his hand and holding it in the air again. I suppose it doesn't have the same effect when you're actually facing someone. Might look like he was trying to cast a spell.

Over at the Presidential Bunker, Mike was happy to leak news to the press that a Chinese extremist group had hit the consulate. Unfortunately, this Secretary of State Taylor character had babbled to President Logan that there was a major crisis brewing. This of course led to the Prez blowing smoke out his ears and yelling at Palmer in his typically nervous nelly way. Of course, no one intimidates David P., and Logan was quickly put in his place: "War is a dirty business and sometimes you have to get dirty to clean it up," Palmer said, adding "Plus, I'm taller than you."

Well, because of this unseen Taylor fellow, Chang was given the right to visit CTU and ask questions. This would be awkward, especially since Buchanan and Jack would be sending him to the "situation room." Not really sure what the "situation room" was, but I assumed it was pretty much the same as a torture room but with a couch and a small cheese spread.

While Jack changed into a spiffy designer suit, Tony and Michelle took a moment to people-watch from high up in the director's office. Upon seeing Audrey, Tony asked, "What is she still doing here?" EXACTLY! He and Michelle then babbled about how Audrey and Jack seemed so happy together earlier in the day and blah blah blah, Tony's lip quivered and he said "I hate being without you." Michelle quivered her lip back in return and replied, "It wasn't supposed to be this way." And then of course Chloe interrupted the moment by buzzing in on the intercom. Sadly, Chloe's lip was not quivering also.

Anyway, Chang finally arrived at CTU, and it was time to move this party into the Situation Room. There was lots of tense questioning, capped off by a screencap Chang had of this Howard guy. Jack and Buchanan said that the picture was a fake, but Chang insisted that he speak with Howard. Well, Howard's not in the office today, said Jack. And that man standing just outside the Situation Room window isn't Howard. That's his twin brother, Shmoward. Yes, in another unfortunate case of bad timing, Howard happened to be chatting up Chloe right outside the Situation Room, which meant Jack had to get him out of there before Chang noticed. This was gonna be sticky.

Actually, not really. Jack simply made his phone go off, pretended he was needed elsewhere in CTU, left the Situation Room, had Howard meet him in a corridor, and then sent the dumbass not-so-secret agent off on a helicopter. Okay, I guess problem's solved. Oh, and hey, remember that guy Lee? You know, the one at the center of this mess? Well, he was awake from surgery and could now answer questions. Turns out he knew Marwan's location: he was in a factory on Sixth and Alameda. To the CTUmobile!

Back in the Situation Room, Chang wanted to see Jack's hourlies to see where exactly he was when the consulate attack took place. This meant that Buchanan not only had to forge new ones, but that he had to lie and say Jack was working with Audrey for the past two hours. And of course, this also meant Chang would have to question Audrey. Well guess what? She wasn't comfortable. Surprise, surprise. She immediately cornered Jack and scolded, "You have broken every protocol!" Honestly, shut up Audrey. She then questioned whether any of Jack's rogue actions had been working. "You're alive, your dad's alive," replied Jack. NICE. In your FACE, Audrey!

While Chang grilled an uncomfortable Audrey, Jack, Curtis, and the rest of the gang headed out to Marwan's factory. They arrived very quickly, of course, and soon notified CTU that they were at the perimeter. OH GOOD. Habib will never get by the PERIMETER! By the way, note to terrorists: don't base all your operations within ten blocks of CTU. Might give you a little more leeway.

Back at the office, Buchanan finally received word from the President that he could escort Chang out. Unfortunately, he was pulled away from the task, and as Chang left the building, he bumped into none other than Edgar Stiles roaming through the hallways. Uh oh. Methinks Audrey's story is going to come undone! Sure enough, Chang asked if Audrey and Jack were working together, and Edgar replied that Audrey was at the clinic with her dying husband. I would normally tell Edgar to shut up, but luckily Chloe did it for me when she appeared out of nowhere and dragged away. Later, Edgar said "You know, Chloe, I'm very contherned about thothial thecurity. It's a real cry-thith." Yeah, it seemed random to me too.

Anyway, over in Habib-ville, Jack and Curtis stormed the factory and quickly shot down all of Marwan's crew, eventually cornering the terrorist in a room. After some nifty sign language from Jack and a little subterfuge from Cutis, the crack team was actually able to flush out Marwan. Imagine that! The perimeter worked! Unfortunately, Jack wasn't able to leave well enough alone, and so he shot the bastard right in the chest. Of course, this didn't kill Marwan (he is The Mummy, after all), but it did knock him on his ass.

Well, it was time to extract info from Marwan which meant a little dash of torture for all us 24 fans. Jack firmly placed his foot on the bullet wound and rubbed the nuzzle of his gun against Habib's forehead. The terrorist wasn't about to talk, but he was eager to brag. I don't remember the exact quote, but it was something like "I have a missile, SUCKA!" This of course sent Curtis scurrying to the nearest laptop where a webcam showed the aforementioned missile just prior to launch. Through some high tech wizardry, Curtis patched the site through to CTU where everyone got to work trying to figure out the location before the missile detonated (which was, by the way, in about fifteen seconds). Chloe weighed in with her expert opinion: "It looks like a forest area!" Way to go, super sleuth! What clued you in? The forest in the background?

And so the hour came to an end as the missile shot off, resulting in some lovely footage of a bottle rocket flying through the air. Will the armed forces be able to stop this nuclear warhead? Will Jack be able to get any info out of Marwan? Is Behrooz strapped to the missile? I guess we'll have to wait until next week. The good news is that Heller and his son seem to be back next week. 24 tying up loose ends? Well, this is quite exciting indeed!

What do you think? Is it time for Audrey to go? Will there be a war with China?

Apprentice Goes Girl on Girl

Well, it's May, and as season finale, uh, season kicks in, our favorite reality shows have whittled down their contestant pool to a scant three or four members. As for The Apprentice, we started this week's episode with only three huggable candidates: the perky Tana, the feisty Kendra, and the nonsensical Craig. That meant it was time for one of my favorite Apprentice traditions: the corporate interviews! I don't really know why I love this segment so much (maybe that old purist in me enjoys the virtues of an old-fashioned sit-down), but I was happy to see the contestants squirm, stutter, and in the case of Craig, start ten different sentences at once.

Ah, but the joy of this penultimate episode reached beyond just the interviews. After all, this installment also marked the beginning of the final challenge, and in a nice, sadistic twist, Mark Burnett & Co. brought back the most scatterbrained, testy, and inept contestants of the season. Oh, this will be a great finale.

The episode began with the odd couple of Craig and Kendra waiting around the loft, nervously anticipating who would return from the Boardroom. Craig was pulling for Tana, his little Street Smarts buddy. "Tana and I are the cream of the crop," Craig informed us immodestly. Sorry Craig, but you're not the cream. You're not even non-fat skim milk. You're Carnation Instant Breakfast at best.

Anyway, Tana returned to the loft where big hugs were had by all. There was general chatter, and somewhere in the mix, Tana must have stuck her finger in a wayward electrical socket because the next thing we knew, our Mary Kay superstar was sporting the biggest hair this side of 1984 Tina Turner. Also faring poorly was Kendra whose hands seemed to have turned a bright purple. Has she no vascular system? Oh wait, those were only her gloves. Man, I was really fearing for the well-being of these people.

Tana: electrocuted and proud of it.

The next morning, that bitch Rhona once again woke everyone up with her early morning call. Craig was the brave soul who got the phone, and once again, he was sporting his little afro pick in his hair. Listen Craig. You're just not cool enough to pull that off. Now rainbow suspenders and a beanie -- that's a different story.

After washing up (and in the case of Tana, taming her hair's wanderlust), everyone traveled on over to Trump World Towers where they huddled in a narrow hallways until The Donald arrived. The big man took them into a huge apartment seemingly made of windows and explained that this was the most luxurious space on earth. Actually, if I'm not mistaken, wasn't that the same space teams rented for parties out in season one? Has Trump still not been able to sell this apartment? WTF? Is it haunted? Way to go Trump. Next time, don't build your skyscrapers on ancient Indian burial grounds. Jerk.

Red Rover, Red Rover, Send Trump On Over!

Anyway, the visit to this apartment proved to be a nonsensical transition to the next task: the aforementioned interviews. This time, contestants would be meeting with David Brandon of Domino's Pizza, Darlene "The Slut" Daggett of QVC, Howard Lamber of Douglas Ellison, and Greg "Crazy Eyes" Brenneman of Burger King. Let the festivities begin!

Well, actually, before we could do that, we had to watch an artistically shot crosswalk sign flicker "Walk" and "Don't Walk" super fast. Oh, that's good stuff! Really captures the essence of... something.

Okay, now it was time to start the interviews. Poor Tana's hair seemed to be puffing up again, but that was no matter. Our favorite MILF was happy to be tackling the CEOs, saying "You don't prepare for something like this." Literally. She didn't even brush her hair. But hey, that's okay. At least she wasn't sashaying around in her leather business suit (vavooom!).

Anyway, the interviews all began, and I was immediately impressed by sexpot Darlene Daggett who appeared to be a strange hybrid of Janet Reno and a nun. Seriously, this woman was out of control with her plunging neckline. I mean, I almost saw her chestbone! Luckily, she was sure to ensure that no skin was showing by wearing a necklace so thick, even African tribes were saying "Now that's crazy!"

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Similarly striking was Greg Brenneman (no relation to Amy, although he is a huge "Judging Amy" fan I've heard) who asked Craig questions with an Igor-like thrill in his eyes. Part of me thought he was simply going to pounce on the candidate and haul him off to a European castle for testing. Luckily, Brenneman was too confused by Craig's answers to pull any such stunts. It was fairly sad watching Craig struggle. He stuttered, restarted, blanked, and babbled in a beautifully stunning choke. And to think, all Brenneman wanted to know was his name.

Dr. Frankenstein will like you very much. Very much indeed!

Of course, no interview montage will ever be complete without the obligatory close-ups of mouths, fast flying questions, puzzled contestants, and echoey sounds. This time around, the editors went buck-wild with the Avid and split the screen into all sorts of fancy panels that flittered around like an old Esther Williams aqua musical. Honestly, the only thing missing was a star wipe.

Memo to Apprentice editor: RELAX!

Eventually, the interviews came to an end, and the executives all entered the Boardroom to assess the candidates. In general, they all hated Craig (no substance, they said. Clearly, they did not see his cream-like capabilities), they all like Tana, and they all thought Kendra was young but full of potential. Darlene in particular was a big fan of Tana, saying that she appreciated her entrepreneurial honesty at nine years old. Yeah, because that's a real indication of someone's character TWENTY EIGHT YEARS LATER. Darlene then added that she respected Tana's kindergarten ambitions to be an astronaut, have horseys, and want candy.

Soon, it was time for the candidates to go down to the Boardroom, and as they hauled their suitcases out the front door, Tana chirped, "Boy, this suitcase is heavy. How about you guys?" Man, this woman can really small talk like none other. I can't even imagine what her weather material is like. I bet it kills each time. Anyway, in the Boardroom, Trump didn't even bother pitting the candidates against each other (actually, that's not true. Yahoo actually has a nifty deleted scene featuring Craig and Kendra going at it). After a few compliments, Trump simply dispatched Craig, citing the universal acknowledgment that he has no substance.

And so Craig meandered off to his cab, later telling us that he's looking forward to spending the rest of his life with his family. Was there a choice? Was The Donald making him decide between his family and Trump International? That might explain the quiet sadness behind Bill Rancic's eyes.

Upon returning to the suite, Tana and Kendra immediately squealed with delight, especially when they encountered a chilled bottle of champagne and a big photo album. The two perused the pages, happily taking a walk down memory lane (and for our benefit, Mark Burnett provided cheesy slow motion footage of fallen contestants, all to the tune of a bombastic and emotional score). Sadly, the schmaltz of the moment was instantly undercut as the two gazed upon Todd, the first contestant to be fired. "Wow, I don't remember that much," sad Tana very unsentimentally. Ultimately she simply concluded that he was a handsome man and then turned the page as if to say "LET'S NEVER TALK OF HIM AGAIN!"

The two continued to admire their former colleagues (read: judge their physical attractiveness), with Tana saying of Kristen, "You never see a smile." Yeah, that might have something to do with the Botox and plastic surgery. When it came time for Audrey, Kendra cooed, "She's a pretty girl." SHHH!! Don't say that! She'll cut her face! You don't know how difficult it's been for her to be so beautiful!

Making another insightful comment about someone's personality, Tana and Kendra immediately fawned over Stephanie. "She's very photogenic," said Tana. Yes, she was, but in a non-photogenic sort of way. It's weird. After a few more pictures flipped by, the music suddenly reached a crescendo as the women squealed "Awwww!" What, pray tell, had they come across? A basket of puppies? A baby playing with a kitten? Jenn from Survivor? Nope. It was only Bren, the suite dreamboat. Sorry Alex. Not even the most metrosexual tendencies can top Southern charm.

After a crazy night of celebrating (ie. probably sipping tea and baking cookies), the ladies returned to the Boardroom the next day to receive their final challenge. Unfortunately, Trump wasn't present to deliver the instructions in person, but he was ever so kind to tape a message from his limo where his bellowing voice seemed to startle the two women out of their shoes. Kendra was told to run the Best Buy World Videogame Championships in New York's Webster Hall while Tana was assigned to the NYC 2012 Athlete Challenge at the Chelsea Piers. The screen then went black, leaving the rest of this segment in the awkward hands of Trump's minions. Carolyn immediately perched over the intercom like a blonde grasshopper and buzzed Robin.

"Donald is my man, so STAY AWAY, BITCH!" she yelled. Okay, maybe she didn't say that, but she did tell the soft-spoken receptionist to send in Tana and Kendra's new teammates. Yes, the hallowed return of the losers, and in the case of this season, the über-losers. Season one reunited us with the six previously ousted contestants. Season two offered up six people from the middle of the season. This time around, however, there was no consistency on when the people were fired, but more like why they were fired. Yes, the producers threw a monkey wrench in Kendra and Tana's game by supplying them with the very worst this season had to offer. For Kendra, she had the scatterbrained Danny, the stubborn Michael Tarshi, and the hairy Erin. Tana, meanwhile, got royally screwed with the logically-deprived Brian, loudmouth Kristen, and recent prisoner Chris. Of couse, Tana immediately requested to swap out some members of her team, but George shot her down, explaining that sometimes in business executives work with people they don't like (sadly, George did not elaborate with a soda jerk story). Ah yes. What a group of disasters. So sadistic, Apprentice. We love it.

Well, Kendra went off to Webster Hall to check out the digs and rally her troops. Michael, Danny, and Erin were all smiles and promised to be the best teammates they possibly could be. They gave little to no back talk to their leader, and when assigned a task, Erin nodded her head assuredly as if to say, "My hair is on it!"

Over at Chelsea Piers, Tana met up with her team who also assuaged her fears about bickering and conflict. "You have a team here that loves each other," said Kristen, who then added, "By the way, if any of you want to be in my self-financed Dove commercial, let me know. I'd really like to make someone seem just as pathetic as me."

Anyway, after meeting with a Chelsea Piers administrator, Tana told her crew that she trusts them with any decision. She then added, "Oh shit, I thought you were Bren, Alex, and Kendra. Never mind. Just stay here in the corner and don't do anything until the challenge is over."

Back at Kendra's camp, the Superfriends had an important meeting with executives from Electronic Arts and Best Buy. Unfortunately, no one told Kendra when the honchos arrived, and so for ten minutes, everyone, including America, had to suffer through Danny's rambling ineptitude. Just to give you an idea of how truly awful and embarrassing he was, Danny actually sang an opening jingle to the meetings. And no, it wasn't a jingle for the upcoming event. It was a jingle boasting how wonderful Team Magna was. I honestly expected the Best Buy executive to whip out a sickle and decapitate him right there. I know I wanted to (although, I respect that not everyone has a sickle on hand for such moments).

Luckily, Erin had the earth shattering idea to fetch Kendra, and while Danny's damage seemed irreparable, our plucky leader went on overdrive to win back over the execs. Meanwhile, over at Team Tana, the chipper but annoyed MILF expressed genuine frustration with her underlings. "They bicker and they fight and they try to manage each other," Tana said in a surprisingly acute description. We then cut to the "Three Stooges" as they jokingly fought over whether or not Kristen should wear hats. The boys thought she shouldn't, the she-man thought she should. Chris in particular was very vocal about the dilemma: "YOU SHOULD NOT WEAR HATS. I FIND HEADWEAR TO BE UNATTRACTIVE, AND THAT IS A FFFFFACT!!!"

Seriously Kristen, stop with the hats.

I gotta say, I agree with my boy Chris on this one. Kristen is not one who can rock the hat, especially the puffy, droopy kind that was only stylish, um, never. Wow, how catty of me. I deserve two air snaps from Alex for that one (We then cut to Alex: "You're damn right, bitch!"). By the way, whenever I insert such Alex comments, feel free to imagine "Holiday" by Madonna playing in the background.

Well, things for Tana soon became delightfully embarrassing as she and Brian met with