This week's Project Runway presented me with quite a challenge. How does one recap a recap show? At first I thought I could just recap it by recapping the recap using old recaps, but felt that that might come dangerously close to ripping apart the space time continuum. The last thing any of us needs is to wake up in a world where we never won World War II and Carrot Top is our president.

Then it hit me. Just do one of those half-assed screencap filled recaps where you just hit on the high points of the hour long reunion show. And as some of my fellow writers can attest, there is nothing quite like the feeling of phoning one in. But seriously folks, the reunion, while not as eventful as last year's wine spilling, "F you" laced extravaganza, did have its moments. In fact if this hour of television taught us anything it was this: the introduction of liquor into almost any situation is a good thing, and Guadalupe left us far too soon.

But before we start, my heartfelt apologies for such a late recap. The "recap of a recap" quandary had me stumped for days. As many of you may or may not know, Project Runway is a runaway hit. In fact you could say that they might even have to call it…. Project Runaway! Get it? Runway, Runaway!? Ah well, they can’t all be home runs. As I was saying, this show is a hit. And if there is one thing networks know how to do well it is to milk a hit for every penny it is worth. The six night a week Coca Cola ad that used to be American Idol being a perfect example. So what to do when your big hit show is about to finish its run, but you still want to sell an hour’s worth of commercial time? Stage a reunion show! But before you stop reading this recap let me assure you that this is no lame ass Survivor-like reunion show, or worse yet, those hour long Apprentice reunion borefests. None of that here. In fact Bravo has really perfected the whole concept of a reunion show. Step 1, bring everyone together beforehand and give them free booze. Step 2, show lots of diary clips of people badmouthing each other and watch the reactions. Step 3, spring surprises on them like bringing out jilted models with marshmallowy legs.

The show opens with a brief recap of the season so far and then a one by one introduction of every booted castmate since the beginning, in chronological order, all meeting up in a bar. I have to tell you the season has just flown by because a lot of these people I barely remember. There was the fat guy who is now not a fat guy and the cute southern gal with a lot of sass. Then there was Kristen who is now preggers. Raymundo, who could give Andrae a run for his money in the Gaylimpics. The twice rejected Daniel Franco, whose ego has been stomped on for so long it makes me worried that he will not be able to follow his bliss. The gloriously crazy Guadalupe. Marla the plagairist and Dirty Diana (we even get a brief clip of Dirty Diana in her prime). Emmett and his man tits. Zulema, who in the four months since she got booted from the show has probably showered twice. Andrae, who's still bald and gay. Kind of a Blofeld meets Liberace. Nick, the elimination that hurt the most. Finally we have the last person eliminated, hippie granola girl Kara, who is now engaged. Man I can’t wait to see that wedding. I imagine it’ll be in the woods somewhere with lots of hemp and a shaman there to ward off daingah.

Now that they are all liquored up nice and good they bring them to the reunion with Tim Gunn and Heidi, who has by this time given birth to the mole man baby. They do a brief “how has your life been” recap where we find out that Nick designed a dress for a woman from some show called “Desperate Housewives”. Heidi mentions that the Barbie’s from the show were very hard to get. “They sold like Bagels!” she exclaims. Oh Heidi. Hotcakes, Bagels, hey whatever, she’s German.

After that they bring out our final three finalists. Daniel, Chloe and Santino. Everyone gangs up on Santino for his shit talking, especially the oversensitive Daniel Franco. Santino handles himself pretty well. It’s all a psych-out game and doesn’t really mean anything, he says. Then we see a clip of him bitching about everyone, including a part where he asks Emmett to "eat my ass." You aren't gonna see that on any crappy Apprentice reunion. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have Carolyn invite someone to toss her salad on national TV, it's just not something I expect to happen anytime soon. Maybe May sweeps. But I digress. Where was I? Oh yeah, Santino. He even has the gall to complain about Diana’s voice. Pot, meet Kettle. Santino’s voice is so strange every time I hear it I think it’s someone calling in a ransom demand using one of those voice box scramblers. I half expect to see Mel Gibson pop into frame screaming "Give me back my son!!"

When Heidi asks the group what they think of Santino, Guadalupe screams out “I love Santino!”. Yes. Yes you do Lupe, but no as much as those five apple martinis and a half-digested tablet of thorazine that's currently swimming in your belly. Consider this drunken outburst number one. And boy, she’s just getting warmed up. Andrae also has something to say about Santino. “It’s not true that sticks and stones hurt your bones but words can never hurt you. Words can be very hurtful”. Wow. Really Andrae? So wait, are you telling me you can’t bake 4 and 20 blackbirds in a pie?

After a few minutes of back and forth about Santino we finally get to one of the true gems of the show. Tim Gunn says he has a question from TV viewer Arian for Guadalupe to which Lupe screams out "Heyooooh Arian!" Santino wonders aloud if they have been drinking. Yes. Yes they have Santino. And it’s glorious. The question is "Did you feel that you’re elimination was fair even though Marla had plagiarized a dress Nicky Hilton wore before." and Lupe’s response was such a perfect blend of insanity and drunkenness I present it to you now, verbatim:

"Honestly, I can only give him a personal critique. Nobody would ever know, unless they personally respond to me would know, what my personal response is. And that is of me. And personally I believe you can’t like push the boundaries and, like Johnny Cash walk the line and...”

At this point Heidi interrupts saying she has no idea what she is talking about, thus missing the point of the entire moment. Tim Gunn tries to rephrase the question by simply asking her if she felt her elimination was fair. Lupe continues to paint her masterpiece:

"Understand that Marla has an aesthetic that I cannot duplicate. But Marla has an aesthetic that she cannot duplicate. And Arian, on national television, if you can get this, you f*cking rock, because you believe in what is true. Period.”

Tears are streaming down my face at this point as Tim interrupts her and says "this is the biggest bunch of bullshit I've heard in weeks." Damn, what the hell was Tim doing a few weeks ago that outdid this?

From here we go to another high point of the episode and revisit Andrae’s runway meltdown, which you may remember from the very first episode. On the original airing it was edited down to a few minutes, but now we find out that the whole thing lasted 10 minutes. Ten amazing minutes where he cries and wails about everything from the meaning of his career to the beautiful woman that his model truly is to his lack of honey mustard sauce for the chicken Mcnuggets he had at lunch. We know it lasts this long because as they show the clips we get to see an “elapsed time” counter at the bottom of the screen. See, Bravo gets it.

Andrae’s response to the clip is that “That is so hard to watch on just a human level.” Oh I disagree Andrae. It’s unbelievably watchable. As watchable as the next montage of Andrae’s gayest hits where we see him flying around like Tinkerbell from place to place. Kind of reminded me of this guy.

Then we have our Tim Gunn moment. We see his greatest clips telling everyone to “make it work”. We also get another series of clips seeing Santino do his Tim Gunn impression. Listening to Santino doing Tim Gunn speaking the lyrics to Nine Inch Nails' Closer was comic genius, I have to admit.

Next up is hearing them talk about Zulema's alter ego "Shatangi." This of course is all a way to try and excuse the fact that Zulema was a giant bitch by saying it wasn't her but her "alter ego." Kinda like how my alter ego killed a hobo last night and made a suit coat from his skin. But hey it wasn't me, it was my alter ego. From here we segue into the great model walk off of 2005. Everything gets very Oprahesque as Nick talks about how she stole his muse. Then Tarah talks about how she wasn’t happy because the word was that Rachael didn’t like Zulema’s crappy half-assed glued-on designs. What a shocker. This leads to Zulema ragging out Rachael with fingers flailing. Oh wait, I mean “Shatangi”.

Shatangi!

Next up we get a look at all the diary interviews from the season. And of course they pick out the most outrageous ones to cause the most trouble. Everyone is trashing everyone else. And I really miss the fact that contestant Heidi left before we really got to know her as her down home southern sass was the perfect straight man (no pun intended) to all the flamboyantly gay designers. “The dude with the green hair and the yellow stuff? OK, his name's what? Rahmundo? Rah-mun-do? Where’s he from?” See, it's like a crazy fish out of water sitcom!

After a brief and unfunny musical montage (I’m setting a record for # of times I use that word in a recap) we go to a question to Heidi about why she scored Daniel's lingerie lower than Santino’s frilled out train wreck. For those of you that may have missed it, this then sets up the funniest moment of the entire show for me. A true “LOL” as they say. Since describing it doesn’t really do it justice, click on Daniel below to witness it yourself;

On that note I will end this trip down memory lane. The only other thing we get is everyone's predictions. And who cares what their predictions are? We all know Chloe is gonna walk away with it. Or maybe Daniel. But definitely not Santino.

What do you guys think?

Posted by EdHIll at 5:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (41)

My new favorite obsession? Deal or No Deal. This game show requires absolutely no skill or talent, and yet, it's like the most exciting thing ever -- especially when Donald Trump stops by, which is exactly what happened last night. It's nice to have a game show sensation back on the air, and I'll be happy to ride this one out until massive over-exposure burns this bad boy into the ground. And considering that few networks like to grind things into the ground like NBC, chances are we'll all be done with this show in about five days. So why not enjoy it while we can -- before the annoying Deal or No Deal board games and pajamas and afternoon versions-hosted-by-Meredith-Vierra come out. God, Deal or No Deal pajamas? That's just creepy.

Posted by at 4:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (22)

With all of the multitude of giveaways here at the 'Gasm, it's easy to forget how often we stroke our egos be giving away free stuff. All kidding aside, there are still a bunch of contests out there for our readers, and we atned to give a little rundown of what's available so nobody misses out on any of the swag.

• The Sopranos - The new season of the greatest show on Televsion starts March 12th, and TVgasm is giving away a DVD Box Set of Season 5, along with a bunch of posters from Season Six.
• Monk - Tony Shaloub is back for an all new season of Monk, and we're giving away DVD Box Set of Season 2, along with a signed Monk script and a bunch of t-shirts.
• Cheerleader Nation - Lifetime follows the life of cheerleaders and parents at Dunbar High School in Kentucky. We have a $50 AmEx gift card for your readers, not to mention pom poms. Mmmm, pom poms.
• Amazing Race - The new Amazing Race starts tonight, and you can win free TVgasm merchandise by guessing the winners
• Laguna Beach - B-Side hasn't announced a winner, so I am assuming he is still taking applications to win copies of the epic tale of the Laguna kids. And if you don't like to read, the books still have plenty of pictures
• 24 - This isn't from TVgasm, but the foulmouthed genius of Gridskipper, BoHan, is having a contest to win your very own Jack Bauer action figure.

As always, good luck!

Posted by at 12:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Is it just me or does 24 really help you get through Mondays? You could have a shitty job, but going through Monday is so much easier knowing that Jack will be kicking the ass that you didn't get a chance to because you let people walk all over you during the day. And even if you love your awesome job, Jack gives you the inspiration to take out the weaker people at the office and make them cower like a terrorist cowers before Jack's mighty presences. While Jack uses a glock and you use well-placed rumors and gossip, it is nonetheless just as exciting. If you don't believe me, just ask Lynn McGill, who can barely function knowing people might find out his sister beat him up and took his key card. And we get all of this under the calming backdrop of the possible death of the First Lady of the Untied States.

Yes, that's right. Following my suggestion from last week, the terrorists decided to buy a laptop to help them coordinate their attack. Our boy Bierko is quite happy that he was able to paralyze the president with his assassination plan. President Logan loves his wife, but he doesn't to kill a couple of hundred thousand Americans to get her back. I know what you can do Mr. President! Try and talk some sense into your wife. Get her to get out of the limousine, preferably in a way that doesn't cause any suspicion. It's a nice theory, and the President does put in a call for the First Lady, but it would be easier to get Mary Kate to eat a steak than it would be to talk sense into Martha. She gets the call, but is not going to leave. Looks like the President Pussy was going to have to make a decision, because time is running out.

For as weak and helpless as Audrey was last year, she seems to have it all together this year. She wants Edgar to meet her in the back room. Lynn sees their conversation, and is worried that somebody ordered Chinese without first asking him if he wanted the lunch special with an egg roll or small side of wonton soup. Edgar tells him they were just going over some DOD protocols, which seems to calm Lynn down for a little bit, but McGill knows that something is going on behind his back, which is bad, but nobody has been able to come up with a lead on the nerve gas, which is worse.

As all of us know, there is a lead on the nerve gas, but since the person following up the gas lead has a warrant out for his arrest, he is not going to be able to receive the help he needs. That person is Jack and he is counting on his friends in CTU to help him get into Omicron without being noticed. That's where Audrey and her plan come in. She is going to need Chloe to break into some systems for Jack, but she needs Edgar to know what's going on and to cover for Chloe with McGill. Edgar is not happy about breaking the law, but with Spenser out of the picture, he needs to start working on endearing himself to the woman of his dreams. He agrees to cover for Chloe, and heads back to his station.

Jack mentioned a Christopher Henderson at Omicron, and said that he used to know him. It made it sound like they were acquaintances and had lunch at the same hot dog stand, but it was Henderson that recruited Jack to CTU. Jack was part of an investigation that implicated Henderson with conspiring to sell classified documents to defense contractors. He swore he was innocent, never admitted his guilt, and held a grudge against Jack ever since. Henderson's history at CTU was not the reason that Jack was heading to Omicron, but it when Chloe confirmed that Omicron made the centox for the military; Jack knew that Henderson would be a good place to start.

Remember, Jack's job would be a lot easier if it weren't for Lynn McGill, who is coming closer and closer to a break down with each passing minute. I mean, those guys from Division are always on a power trip, but Lynn is really starting to go nuts. He sees Carrie, our female random CTU employee for this season. Things never end well for these types, and when Lynn finds out that she was doing something as silly as sharing critical security information with Homeland Security, he decides to fire her. He wants everybody working on centox, even if it means that other threats are neglected. You feel bad for Carrie, but at least she wasn't killed in an explosion or inadvertently tortured because they thought she was a terrorist. Edgar did try to defend her, but backs down when Lynn says that his job is on the line. Although Edgar is smart and could easily get a job, he really needs a health plan where they have surgery facilities in the building. As the saying goes, this guy sees more Ho-Hos and Ding-Dongs than a Hostess factory, and even though the track record for the infirmary isn't stellar, at least it gives him a fighting chance.

Carrie never stood a chance

Lynn notices that Chloe is missing, and although Edgar was supposed to cover, let's admit it, he isn't very good at lying. He says that he doesn't know where she is, but I wish the producers had him say something like "I pwetty sure it's her time of the momf", even if the only result was bizarre looks on all of the faces of CTU. Lynn finds Chloe working in the back with Audrey. Audrey and Chloe are actually working on Jack's cover to get into Omicron, but Audrey lies about Chloe needing to patch the server, which is not really a lie, because she is patching Omicron's server so it recognizes Jack as a contractor. They pull it off in time, but Lynn wants again screams how he is in control of CTU and even though DOD requests might have priority, Chloe is his employee and HE gets to decide when she patches a server or not.

Like I said, Chloe was working on Jack's cover for Omicron. She was able to insert a record of Jack, with the name John Berrie, who had a meeting with somebody in Omicron, and place the fake credentials on the server. This was all great, but Jack was still in the Slightly Faded But Nevertheless Useful Extreme Hoodie of Infiltration. It's muted colors may make Jack a hard target for terrorists to hit with their bullets, but it's not the typical executive garb for a meeting with a client, unless you were working on a oil rig or something. Luckily, the security guard doesn't really care that jack has his hoodie on, and that Omicron has decided that you don't need to walk through a metal detector to get inside.

Jack moseys through Omicron headquarters, and even though Chloe didn't have time to send him any schematics, he seems to know his way around. He walks into an office, and asks this hot receptionist where the bathroom was. Man, that's the oldest trick in the book! Jack has barely had time to take a leak in five seasons, but he does have time to flirt. Actually it turns out that she was the receptionist to Henderson's office, and after he leaves to find the bathroom, he calls Audrey and says that he needs help getting rid of her. Audrey calls Joanna and says that she is from accounting and needs Joanna to look at some invoices. They are having some problems with some of the figures, and since Joanna's figure is so nice, she thought they could help them out. Ba dum ching! Don't everybody laugh at once, I got plenty more where that came from.

With Joanna out of the way, Jack moves into Henderson's office. He is about to be his bad ass self, but forgot that it was Henderson who helped turn Jack into his bad ass self. Maybe if he had been wearing the Aviator Glasses of Badness would have helped, but Jack was ambushed when he got inside and Henderson used the stun gun on him. When Jack came to, Henderson has a gun pointed at his head, and starts to ask a few questions of his own, so Jack gives him the details about the centox nerve gas problems they are having. Henderson, played by Peter Weller, who probably is regretting his is missing out on all of the royalties he lost by opting out of Robocop 3, admits that Omicron made centox for the DOD, but that every drop was accounted for, and the DOD destroyed all of it anyway.

Now quite obviously, there was a problem with what Henderson was saying, because Jack saw the centox give herpes to 11 people and kill them. He just can't take Henderson's word on this, so Henderson decides to show Jack the bunker where they coordinated the centox project. I can see it now. Jack makes a call to CTU. "Oh yeah, Henderson's helpful, we are going to walk across Omicron campus and take a look at his fortified bunker". Sounds like something that would send Drew Lachey running for his cowboy hat. Nevertheless, this bunker is the only lead that we have on the nerve gas, so Jack is forced to follow up on it.

Although Lynn told everybody to work on nerve gas exclusively, some of the filters that Edgar was running on NSA chatter, which is a nice way of saying that they wiretapped the hell out of everybody and are sorting through the results, show people repeating a set of numbers like 5, 110, and 10. No, the terrorists aren't talking about Lost, they are talking about some of the freeways in Los Angeles, and the three they are talking about all converge downtown. Edgar is smart enough to realize that this is close to Suvarov's motorcade. He relays the information to Chloe and they take the information to Lynn. I know that the nerve gas is a huge problem, but if you have a threat that something may happen to the motorcade of a visiting head of state, it is probably worth your time to at least check and make sure that it is not false information, and at the very least you should pass the info on to Secret Service.

Instead of being happy that Edgar and Chloe picked up on this threat, Lynn is pissed. He has been embarrassed by incompetence enough today, and he doesn't want it to happen again. Besides, how could the nerve gas possibly relate to the Russian president? Uh, maybe because the terrorists originally wanted to release the canisters in Moscow? Seriously Lynn, how many groups of Russian terrorists in Los Angeles do you think are trying to kill Suvarov? The last time a terrorist made demands about Suvarov, you found out about the canisters. If somebody was still trying to kill Suvarov, you may want some more information. There is always a chance that they are the same people, and even if they aren't, maybe this group trying to kill Suvarov gets their kabobs at the same place the nerve gas terrorists go to eat. You never know, but there is enough of an overlap that you should at least check.

At this point, Audrey is absolutely livid. She calls another secret meeting with Edgar and Chloe. She wants Chloe to fake a message from Lynn's account to Secret Service authorizing to study the threat assessment to Suvarov. She needs Edgar to run interference for Chloe so Lynn doesn't pick up on what is going on. Audrey also catches up with Curtis. Lynn was going absolutely nuts this episode, and although he does have to show that he is in power, his tactics of staying in control were detrimental to CTU's ability to get its job done. I knew there had to be some sort of protocol for relieving somebody of their command, and I learned that it was called section 112. With Buchanan locked up, Curtis is now the most senior person at CTU, and he would be the one who would have to make the call. Hey, taking out a Hobbit won't make up for all of the terrorists he hasn't killed today, but it is a start.

I have skipped over a lot of details about what was happening with the motorcade. Basically, whenever they wanted to cut away from action at CTU, they would show the President and Mike fretting over what to do about the motorcade. He can save Martha and the terrorists will release the gas, or he can sacrifice Martha and the terrorists will not release the gas. We would then have a shot of Martha looking nervous riding in the limousine, with Mrs. Suvarov chatting away, and Aaron looking stern sitting shotgun. This was repeated several times, and I am sure they did it to try and build up the suspense, but listen, I understand that it is a tough choice. Reminding me every five minutes isn't going to make the episode any more dramatic. President Pussy decides that he can't[thanks for the correction, livemusicjunkie] risk hundreds of thousands of lives, even if it will mean saving his wife. With nothing left to do, he kneels down and he asks Mike to pray with him. While he's down there, I hope he also prays that someday he'll grow a spine

Time for an intervention!

There is hope for the First Lady, because CTU is on the case. That hope is fading because Lynn realizes that Chloe and Edgar are up to, and decides to have them both fired. At this point, Curtis has had enough. He tells Lynn that he is being removed of his command by authority of section 112. Lynn tries to play tough and tells the CTU security guards to detail Mr. Manning, but Curtis warns that if he tries to carry out that command, he will draw his weapon. For those of you who might forget, Curtis' weapon is big, black, and when he's done with you, you won't be coming back. You know, Curtis may not have all of the kills that Jack does this season, and his coolest move was his little skitch on the side of the CTU Expedition as it raced around Ontario's airport, but he is still a bad ass. Seriously, those CTU rent a cops don't want any part of Curtis. Maybe they will be fired for insubordination, but at least they will still be living long enough to apply for another job. They take Lynn into custody, which means that they can bring back Bill Buchanan, which means that finally some shit will get done around here!

When Bill arrives and hears about the threat to the motorcade, he immediately authorizes the call to Secret Service, and makes his own call to the President. It was a phone call that the President didn't want to hear. If CTU already told Secret Service, and the route was changed at all, Bierko is going to release the nerve gas. Aaron does get the call in the motorcade, and starts screaming about protocol red, but it is too late. They have already driven into the ambush zone, and the terrorists are ready with machine guns, rocket launchers, and a flamethrower. The escort cops vehicles are taken out, and a rocket disables the Suvarov limo. Aaron is down, and there is nothing that the Suvarov's and Martha can do except cower in the back seat and hope the tinted windows are bullet proof.

Well, not only are the windows bulletproof, but the door is jammed, so the terrorists aren't able to get any shots into the limousine. They are about to get to work with the flamethrower, but by this time Aaron has woken up, and he is able to take out two guys with machine guns and the guy with the flame thrower with precision that would make Jack jealous. He may not be the cold killer like Jack, or the smooth assassin like Curtis, but I have to give Aaron some props. The president gets the call that his wife is OK, and this would normally make him happy, but he knows that the terrorists will be pissed, and he is going to have to prepare for the blowback that will result from all of this.

You may have been wondering what Jack and Robocop had been doing while all of this was going on. It turns out that the traffic in and around Omicron headquarters was worse than the traffic in and around Los Angeles. I guess the marvelous CTU travel speeds only happen when you are using CTU approved transportation, because the amount of time it took for him to get across the Omicron campus is the amount of time it normally takes him to drive across Los Angeles. On the way, Henderson is still complaining about being framed. Jack is sort of skeptical about the whole thing, until Henderson mentions that it might have been Nina Myers, and he sort of had to shut up because even if it was just a guess, Henderson did kind of have a point there.

Henderson is looking up the information on the centox project, but we learn that every engineer that was working on the project died some sort of mysterious death. Obviously there is somebody at Omicron that knows more than they are letting on, and that person is...you guessed it! Henderson! Henderson left in order to get some help from IT in order to find more people who worked on the centox project because he couldn't access the mainframe. That left Jack alone in the bunker, where nobody could hear him scream. Jack notices that Henderson was gone a long time, and starts to get suspicious when, you know, he finds that he is locked inside the bunker. He looks in the clipboard left behind, and sees that there is a detonator and a couple of pounds of C4.

Eh, so what if there is enough explosives to incinerate the entire bunker? Jack would normally use those explosives to restart his heart should he have to fake his death out in the field. Since Jack's heart was still going, he decided to use the plastic explosives for something a little more practical, like blowing the doors off of the bunker. Henderson probably should have detonated the charge right away. If he can cover up the release of 20 canisters of a deadly nerve agent, he could surely explain some random body parts strewn all over an IT bunker, but he needed to call his Secretary and tell her everything is OK. Besides, if he detonated the bomb right away, we would have missed the dramatic moment as he drove away, pulled out his Platinum Vibrator of Death (with ribbing for her pleasure, and a detonation button in the tip for his convenience) and with a drop of his thumb, blew Jack away!

What a dumbass! Jack underestimated Henderson earlier, but Henderson clearly underestimated Jack. After placing the explosives next to the outer door of the bunker, Jack closed the conveniently placed blast door. That wasn't enough to save Jack from certain death, but he was able to find a loose floorboard, which gave him enough protection from shrapnel to survive the blast and maintain a very angry look of revenge the entire time. Henderson just bought himself a death warrant; he just doesn't know it yet.

Jack can forgive somebody for blowing him up, but not for stealing the Aviator Glasses of Badness

I have to say, I was fooled by how sincere Henderson seemed about the framing and whatnot, but you know they weren't going to have Peter Weller on for one episode. It would be awesome if the mail order bride that Rossler had is sleeping with Henderson, and decides to kill him too, but I think we all know that Henderson is going to have a fairly messy death, and I can't wait. The main problem with my excitement towards Henderson's death is that Jack is still going to have to stop Bierko from releasing those nerve gas canisters as well. The President got the call, and although it wasn't his fault that he assassination attempt failed, Bierko is holding him responsible, and has no choice but to start releasing the nerve gas. If he can't make Russia pay, the United States will pay with the lives of its citizens.

So, this was another great episode. I didn't like how whiny President Pussy was about saving his wife, but the repercussions of his decision are going to really make it a mess for him. We see from a preview next week that Martha mentions to Aaron that the President didn't take any action, and I am sure that she doesn't stop there. I though Henderson's character was a good addition and I like how they are making this nerve gas thing last awhile instead of making each week a bigger threat. That being said, I hope it doesn't turn into the nerve gas canister scavenger hunt every week, because that will get annoying. And don't forget, make a little extra time next week, because we'll have two hours of 24 to enjoy.

What did you think of this episode? What is Henderson covering up? Will President Logan still be in office at the end of the day? Have we seen the last of Lynn McGill and his crazy access card-stealing sister?

PS - Don't forget to check out the JackTracker on Gridskipper, where you can win your very own Jack Action Figure!

Posted by at 10:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (32)

• A group of women are suing Clay Aiken and his record labels for false advertising, alleging that marketing campaigns characterized Mr. Aiken as, well, something other than the flaming homosexual that even a blind and deaf person would notice that he is. In their complaint they make the shocking claim that "the private Clay [read: prancing queen Clay] is very different [read: gayer than Christmas] from the manufactured packaged public Clay [read: repressed, depressed choirboy] that was marketed to us." Okay, I'm not sure how to say this more clearly: IF IT LOOKS GAY AND SOUNDS GAY AND DENIES IT TO DIANE SAWYER ALL THE TIME FOR GOD'S SAKE IT'S GAY. [Starpulse]
• And Anna Nicole Smith had her day at the U.S. Supreme Court as part of the dispute over her late husband's $1.6 billion fortune. In an effort to win over the Court, Ms. Smith provided 85-year-old Justice Stevens with a happy-ending massage and offered Justice Ginsburg tips on the most lucrative street corners to work in Capitol Heights. [CNN]

Posted by at 9:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Surprise! New season of The Apprentice! I guess this wasn't much of a surprise for people who watched the Olympics, which I did, but still, there was a remarkable lack of buzz heading into this season premiere. I'm sure the new time slot on Mondays didn't help matters much either. I hope that the ratings don't take too much of a hit because quite frankly, this premiere rocked. Wait, let me put more emphasis on that. It ROCKED! Of course, I'm a 'uge Apprentice fan and have rarely ever poo-pooed an episode. That's because I firmly believe the show follows a great formula that's only heightened by Trump's excellent command of the Boardroom. And let's face it, that's where all the fun stuff is.

Truthfully, this premiere episode didn't start out as anything necessarily better than any other Apprentice premiere -- that is, until we moved into that hallowed Boardroom and all sorts of silly accusations flew. This was a fantastic showdown, replete with an angry George, a pissed of Carolyn, and a fuming Trump. And that's really all I need. If this Boardroom was a sign of things to come, all I have to say is that Mondays might be my new favorite night of TV (24, Prison Break, Gauntlet 2, among others).

Now, I know what some of you might be saying. "The Apprentice has gotten so old and lame." Well, to that I say boo. It became very trendy this year to attack The Apprentice. I didn't balk much. Such is the nature of backlashes -- I understand them. People may forget that Survivor suffered through a backlash period that started with Africa and didn't end until Amazon. But after this fall's awesomely insane season of The Apprentice, I think it's time to take a stand and say that it's no longer embarrassing to be that guy in the corner who says, "I... I still like The Apprentice." So now I say, let the healing begin, and let us re-embrace the show that turned corporate sponsorship into a warm and fuzzy family viewing.

You'd think NBC paid me off, but I assure you they didn't. Lest I blow all my credibility with such ebullient gushing, let me get on with the show. The big premiere began with quick glimpses of the candidates. Okay, mainly just the hottie women -- a.k.a. the women. There was one girl practicing yoga, another playing tennis (walking around in a bikini too, natch), and then another beauty talking to her Filipino mom. For variety, we also heard from a guy who bragged that he was just like Trump -- yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever -- and then we headed over to Republic Airport in Long Island, NY, where a silver Mercedes sped down the runway, stopping at the base of a private airplane. Are people allowed to drive their sports cars on the tarmac? I suppose if you're Donald Trump you can. And yes, it was Donald Trump behind the wheel of this very, very expensive vehicle. In case we didn't exactly know he was, however, he reminded us.

"I'm Donald Trump!" he blared after he stepped out. He gave the usual spiel about looking for an apprentice, and then he boarded his airplane where he spieled some more. Eventually, the aircraft took off and flew to... Manhattan? That really made no sense. Was it really necessary to take a plane from Nassau County to New York City? Whatever happened to the old helicopter? I mean, I know it's very hoi polloi, but are you not above sensibility?

Anyhoo, we then watched the new opening credits, which was followed by more hasty introductions to the cast. You know how this goes. Bragging, bragging, stepping off a subway, bragging, bragging, hailing a cab, bragging, bragging, hey -- that guy has a British accent, more bragging, and yup, just a tad more bragging on top of that. Well, once everyone was done listing all their accolades and accomplishments, they then filed into Trump's private plane. Wait a second! I thought he was in the air, flying to New York! Methinks this plane never took off in the first place! I smell a conspiracy.

Trump, meanwhile, was holed away in his cabin, talking on the phone. "Alright, I just landed," he said. You didn't just land. Your plane is at the exact same airport! Besides, we SAW you drive up to the plane. You think we forgot about that? Anyway, he continued, "I'm going to see the candidates. I'll be in in about an hour." And with that, Trump arbitrarily dropped the phone into a little box, as if that would cause it to magically hang up. I'm all for the fake scenes, but this was really too slapdash for me.

Anyway, The Donald emerged from his room and addressed his new supplicants. And what a bunch they were. About half of them looked like somebody else. For instance, there was Andy from season two. Oh wait, that was just Lee, his long lost brother. And hey! Look! Orlando Bloom's on this season!! Oh... mistaken again. That was just a guy named Tarek.

Well, the whole gang stepped off the plane -- or deplaned, as they say. "Deplane" is my favorite real word that sounds crazy made up. Clearly it was forced into the English language by the sheer will and determination of thousands of flight attendants. Seriously, when I get out of my car, I don't "decar." And I don't "deboat" or "desubway" or "detrolley." Sheesh. Anyway, with everyone lined up on the tarmac, Trump addressed the group once again.

"It's very, very windy out here today," he said, adding, "Being windy is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!!!" Okay, he didn't say that, but I sure did imagine it. The Donald had all the candidates introduce themselves and speak about their credentials. This gave us yet another opportunity to gaze upon the various dopplegangers in the crowd. I was particularly amused by Stacy, who seemed to be a careful blend of Jules from I Want To Be A Hilton and Nakomis from Big Brother 5, with a touch of Project Runway's Nina Garcia for good measure.

There was also Theresa who bore a striking resemblance to last season's Felisha, but with some subtle Sandra Lee touches. But then we came back to Mr. Bloom, a.k.a. Tarek, who was now trumpeting his greatest accomplishment: "I'm also a member of MENSA, meaning I have an IQ in the top two percent of the world." And apparently such membership grants Tarek access to an infinite supply of hair gel. I personally have never met anyone so proud to be in MENSA. For Tarek's sake, I like to think that the producers insisted that he play that up because honestly, it just doesn't carry the weight that it used to anymore. I mean, Geena Davis is in MENSA for crying out loud. My buddy took the test as a joke and got in. Let's not get carried away here.

Anyway, Trump decided to make Tarek and a girl named Allie the project managers (Allie was cut from the wee mini-Apprentice mold that brought us such candidates as season 2's Stacy and season 4's Brian). As PMs, the two were tasked with picking their own teams, a process that eventually turned into the competition for who could make the most flowery, insincere compliments possible. "The handsome man in the orange tie." "The lovely lady in the brown." "The gentleman with the wonderful British accent." "The beautiful girl in the brown." I half expected Tarek and Allie to go really wild. "I'll take the ruggedly handsome gentleman whose baby blue eyes seem to breathe compassion while his determinedly clenched lips speak to a certain intensity, a warrior in the making perhaps -- a business man, a fighter, an artist, a lover." And "lover" would, of course, be pronounced "love-ah."

With the teams picked, Trump detailed the season's first task: use a Goodyear blimp to drive business towards Sam's Club. The team that sold more Sam's Club memberships would win. Ah yes. A delicate mixture of corporate product placement and silly airborne transportation. As her team rode in a van to their destination, Allie expressed some of that naive optimism that fuels so many early project managers. She praised her group, saying that she had the nine most talented people on her squad. Yeah, well, that changed about two seconds later when the hefty and shiny Brent suggested a team name of "The Killer Instinct Corporation." Um. No. But I suppose it was better than his second suggestion, "The really, really good team that'll win a lot and stuff."

Okay, I made that last one up, but I wouldn't put it past Brent to sneak such a title in. The team instead opted for the more palatable yet generic name of "Synergy." Sounds good. Meanwhile, over in Tarek's van, the greasy-haired (yet ever so pretty) project manager once again pulled the MENSA card on us. "Being in MENSA, the one thing that it allows me to do is think on my feet very quickly," he said. Actually, I'm pretty sure that's not a quality that goes hand in hand with MENSA membership, but that's okay. We'll forgive you as long as you don't make a sequel to Kingdom of Heaven. Shit, got him mixed up with Orlando again.

Anyway, Tarek pushed for the name "Gold Rush Corporation," which wasn't the best, but hey at least it wasn't-- hold on a second. Pausing to look away from the screen. I could have sworn that I just saw Medusa. Turns out it was just Summer, a restauranteur who housed a nest of ungainly curls on top of her head. Luckily, they were not snakes, but actual hair, so I was saved from a certain stone-like existence. Phew.

Back at Synergy, the team was now brainstorming at Sam's club. Killer Instinct Brent was trying to come up with some in-store promotion ideas, but sadly, his concepts (karaoke, makeovers) were mostly duds -- shocking, I know. Amusingly, Allie didn't want to actually put down her teammate; so instead she cranked up the euphemism machine and said, "Brent has some professional idiosyncrasies... I appreciate his energy. He's full of it. Full of energy, that is." Translation: he's a total idiot who can't stop talking.

Eventually, Brent did stumble onto a good idea: massages. He excitably pushed the concept onto Allie, who replied, "That's a great idea, Tammy." Either "Tammy" was Allie's pet name for Brent (unlikely) or the PM just completely gave someone else credit for Brent's hard work. Sorry, dude. Unless you can learn to look like Orlando Bloom, you won't be receiving any respect on this season.

Over at Gold Rush, Tarek put Summer in charge of calling restaurants. It was an effort to get business people over to Sam's Club, and since Summer had plenty of experience in the restaurant field, it seemed like a perfect match, right? Eh, not so much. Summer called one person, and that was it. You see, Tarek hadn't quite created the in-store event or promotion, so Summer became all preoccupied that she wouldn't have any angle to work these restaurant people with. Let's just say that thinking outside of the curls wasn't not really her forté.

We headed to commercial, and when we returned, it was time for our big business lesson of the week: Change The Team. Trump told us how if there was one person dragging down the group, just get rid of him or her. "Pull that person before they fail," he concluded. Huh, I wonder which of the teams will be successful in marginalizing a weak link. Cut to Synergy's Brent being shoved into the Goodyear blimp. Yes, he was literally removed from the task, placed hundreds of feet in the air. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't mess things up. If he tried, he would DIE. "It's a waste of my talents!" he protested. There, there, Brent. Just enjoy the ride and try not to cause a Hindenberg disaster while you're up there. Now that's what I call a successful execution of Trump's lesson. I suppose this meant Synergy would win.

Sure enough, all signs pointed to yes. The team sold hard as they pleasantly but assertively pressured shoppers into memberships. They were so good that some woman agreed to leave her baby under Michael's watch. Always a smart move. Leave a kid with a total stranger. Yay reality show lessons! Perhaps Synergey's biggest asset was Sean, whose British accent kept all the ladies swooning. That'll always help. Well, that and a solid cookie display -- one which George happily snacked from. It wouldn't be an event without George stuffing a cookie into his mouth.

As for Gold Rush, they seemed to be doing a pretty good job as well. Lenny wound up in the blimp, mostly because he lived in the neighborhood and could put his geographical knowledge to use up in the air. He was joined by Summer who, well, I think she just wanted to chill. Down in Sam's Club, the team gave out complimentary tote bags or duffel bags or gift bags (it changed depending on who was talking). Unfortunately, Gold Rush was giving these out to anyone who entered rather than using them as an incentive for people to sign up for memberships. Carolyn, of course, was all quiet judgment as she said, "The gift bag is physically a bag." Somebody wanted some shwag! Well, I suppose that wouldn't be unreasonable. Most gift bags do usually have, you know, gifts inside.

Lee, meanwhile, wandered around in a full suit and tie. It was supposed to offset the other members of the team in their Sam's Club outfits. He was supposed to look professional -- a business consultant, if you will. A multi-pronged attack! It's fool proof! "We were going to win this competition," Theresa proudly announced. Uh oh. Those are bad words to say. Sounds like she just sealed her team's loss.

After the task was over, the teams then convened in the Boardroom where Trump questioned them. Both Project Mangers were confident in their success, with Tarek being particularly cocksure about winning. As for Summer? Not riding as high. "There are things that I would have changed," she said. Dangerous move. That sort of stinkin' thinkin' got Tammy fired back in the first season.

Anyway, the results were in. Gold Rush sold 40 memberships. Synergy, 43. Sorry, Tarek. Close but no cigar. Might want to apply an extra dose of mousse to comfort yourself. Either that, or you can talk trash about people. Yeah, do that instead. Sure enough, back at the suite (which was all stainless steel, as opposed to last season's Chinese Restaurant look), Gold Rush all huddled together and complained about Summer's abysmal performance. It was all fun and mud slinging until Lee expressed discomfort at talking so much shit about Summer behind her back. In fact, he even went so far as to suggest that Tarek might be to blame. This could only lead to bad things in the Boardroom.

The next day, Trump took Synergy out to lunch at the Wharton Club where he got to try out some of his new standup material: "In business, lunches are very pleasurable and very not so pleasurable. That's the way it works. That's business. That's life. So let's make this a bad one. I'm only kidding." And with that, everyone at the table broke out into peels of uproarious laughter. Yes, apparently in business, lunches can be pleasurable and not so pleasurable, but always perfect for kissing up.

The Donald then made some inspirational speech about all the troubles and horrors of the world, but I was personally distracted by Allie's gargantuan salad bowl. Seriously, the thing was huge. Sadly, all happy luncheons must come to a close. We soon gazed upon the twilight in the great city of New York as dark, shadowy blimps floating above the landscape. So ominous! It felt like Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow all over again!

In the suite, Summer was preparing some last minute defenses with fellow blimp-mate, Lenny. She explained that she was not to blame for the task failure because it was essentially Tarek's poor leadership that handcuffed her. Lenny, meanwhile, said that he might wind up in the Boardroom because Tarek could accuse of him of contributing the least. But then Lenny reminded us, "I was riding blimp." I don't know why that sounded so funny. Maybe it was the Russian accent, maybe it was the word "blimp," but I've been muttering "I was riding blimp" for the past hour. Next time I find myself in a tricky situation, I'll just say it. "Hey B-Side. Where are your There and Back recaps?" Me: (shrugging) "I was riding blimp!"

Elsewhere in the suite, Tarek and Lee were having a heart-to-heart. The ever charming Project Manager stated that he needed Lee's help in the Boardroom, but the recent Cornell grad had reservations. "If you bring up to Trump that you would have changed or done differently, you are immediately gonna set yourself up as a target," Tarek threatened. Turns out the pretty boy was a bully. Who would have thunk it? Nothing like watching a slick rick freak out under pressure.

Finally, it was time for the season's first Boardroom -- and man, it was a fun one. Tarek started off by saying that Summer and Lenny didn't step up on the tasks they were assigned. I can understand Summer (she did, after all, only call one person), but Lenny? His task was to use guide the blimp around his neighborhood. Of course he stepped up! He was riding blimp!!

Well, Lenny defended his contributions in the blimp, but Trump had an ever so tactful way to sum it all up: "You know what they did when they put you in the blimp? They sent you to SIBERIA!" And yes, I'm sure Lenny really appreciated that shout-out to Communist prison camp policies.

As for Lee, he didn't support Tarek at all. Instead, he went right for the jugular, saying the team lost due to a "severe lack of mismanagement." Well, I'm sure he meant a "severe glut of mismanagement." A lack of mismanagement is a good thing. Looks like somebody's not getting into MENSA this year (Coy laugh, fingers covering mouth).

Theresa, however, piped up to Tarek's defense, saying that he excelled at earning the team's respect. Well, not according to The Donald: "He didn't get the respect of Lee. He didn't get the respect of The Russian. Did he get the respect of The Russian? I don't think so." Wow, I really hope Trump continues to simply call people by their ethnic labels. That would be awesome. "The black girl and the Russian are really butting heads, don't you agree, Mexican?"

Eventually, the focus inevitably moved from Tarek and The Russian -- I mean, Lenny -- to Summer, who suddenly had to defend her professional background. She noted that she had her own restaurant, and "it runs like a ship." Paging the mixed metaphors department. I mean, I've heard of running a tight ship, and I've heard of running like clockwork, but running like a ship -- not sure if that really works. Does that mean that her restaurant has rats in the basement? If I eat dinner there, will I get scurvy? Has her restaurant ever struck an iceberg? I could go on and on.

Anyway, Carolyn quickly swooped down like the bird of prey that she is and asked, "How many people did you call? How many people did you call?" Uh oh. Carolyn was not happy. Never want to be on her bad side. Summer stumbled through an explanation for her solo phone call, and then it was time for Tarek to take two or three people back with him. He selected Summer, Lenny, and surprisingly, Lee. Why Lee? He had been fine? Oh, that's right. Pretty boy Tarek now had an axe to grind. I had to say, as smarmy and duplicitous as Tarek seemed, I didn't want him to get fired, only because he looks like he might shape up to be a Grade A asshole villain. I love how his confident, attractive, friendly exterior masks a cocky, bitter, and angry person (or so the editing would suggest).

Well, upon returning to the room, we discovered that Tarek and Lee were now on the verge of a male catfight. "Do you think I'm unintelligent?" Tarek asked.

"Yeah, I think you're unintelligent," Lee replied. I was fairly surprised Tarek didn't counter with "I'm sure MENSA would beg to differ. MENSA zing!"

After a little more of this Lee/Tarek sniping, Trump then questioned why the troubled PM brought Lenny back in the room. He was in blimp!! Tarek babbled about Lenny being lame and ineffective, but this just caused The Donald to ask one of his favorite questions: "Tarek, didn't this thing fail because of you?" Oh, he loves doing that. Putting them on the spot, making them squirm. Well, Tarek smugly responded, "I blame them for their effort!" Didn't really make sense, but luckily for him, Carolyn dragged Summer out from under the table where she'd been hiding and shone the interrogation lamp on her.

"Summer, I have a question for you," Carolyn started. Memo to Summer: RUN FOR COVER! SHE'S GONNA GET YOU!!

"What did you contribute to this team?" C-Dawg asked.

Summer's response: huminah huminah huminah. Eventually, she pieced together an enjoyable lame answer, saying, "What I contributed to this team were not things that everyone could see." Oh, so THAT'S it! Yeah, she really helped out the zen and feng shui. Big difference, Carolyn. Shame on you for asking.

Of course, everyone saw right through this bullshit, which caused Carolyn to repeat herself, each time more cutting then the next: "What did you contribute to this team? What did you contribute to this team? This is the third time I've asked." So what did Summer contribute? Um... curly hair and a smile? Is that enough?

Just when Summer looked like she'd be done for, however, the pendulum swung back into Tarek's court as George yelled, "Why didn't you step up and give something away? Don't you know customers like a freebie??" He then added, "Back in my day, we always gave away free things at the soda jerk. I once gave Sally May Hancock a free banana split sundae. That was worth a nickel back then!"

Well, George Ross had his facts all wrong in this case. Tarek DID give away freebies. "We had gift bags," he replied.

"What was in the gift bags?" George then asked.

"There was nothing in the giftbags," Tarek said.

"Good. So you gave a gift bag with nothing in it," George snapped, causing everyone to laugh.

"It was a complimentary giveaway," Tarek said, his facade showing weakness. "I don't think that was a bad decision."

"What? Giving away nothing?" Trump then replied, offering up his own little Boardroom zing. Trust me, it was way funnier than how I made it sound. To Tarek's credit, he wasn't as completely inept as all this made him seem. He actually did seem to be a good leader, per se, just not a strong "idea" man. And furthermore, he should have stopped calling the tote/duffel bags "gift bags," considering that's not what they were at all. Still, it was worth it for the Trump dis.

Well, after this whole gift bag disaster, Trump was ready to really lay into Tarek, but Summer suddenly interrupted, probably to say similar things as to what I just explained.

"Why should you interrupt me when I'm knocking him down?" an annoyed Trump asked her.

"Because I'm being truthful, and I'll always be truthful," she responded.

"How stupid is that, right?" Trump replied. Yeah, what value is there in being truthful? The Russian would never do that. Right, Russian?

At this point, Trump was really mad at Summer. I mean, pissed off. "You did a lousy job," he said, "And here I am, I'm getting ready practically to fire this guy, and you keep interrupting me!" Well, you knew how this was gonna wind up. Boom. Summer -- fired. Gotta love it when people just don't know when to shut the hell up (Erin from season 3, anybody?).

Well, as the group shuffled out of the Boardroom, the agitated Donald suddenly boomed, "You didn't make it by much. I want to tell you that, Tarek. She saved your ass with her own stupidity. She saved your ass."

"Not for long," Lenny added. Ouch! Score one for The Russian! Everyone's getting in on the action tonight!

And so Summer went down to the street while the other three headed up to the suite. Gold Rush would surely be a team divided now. Lee and Lenny were sure to be on the outs of the popular Tarek clique. I mean, this was the equivalent of the nerd sending the bully to the principal's office. There will be playground repercussions, and I cannot wait

As for Trump, he still had some strong feelings about the whole situation. "I'll tell you what," he told his cronies. "Tarek is TOTALLY overrated!" Like OMG! TOTALLY! He is soooo dunzo!

The show finally came to a close with a delightful treat. No, not a shaky-lipped Summer babbling about the experience. I'm talking about Trump encouraging people to apply for the Los Angeles season of The Apprentice. The whole promo was like Trump doing an impression of Darrell Hammond doing an impression of Trump. Totally surreal, yet totally awesome. Here's to a strong season premiere.

What did you think? Should Tarek have been fired? Who seems to have early promise? Should Randal have denied Rebecca?

Also, check out Tarek's very amusing website, tsaab.com. His last name is Saab, FYI. And be sure not to confuse his site with tareksaab.com, which I think might be a front to some Lebanese escort service.

Posted by at 5:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (66)

• George Michael was found slumped in his car near Hyde Park, London, this weekend and has apparently been arrested on a drug charge. Given Mr. Michael's penchant for fabulousness I CANNOT WAIT to see the mugshot. [BBC]
• Tracy Morgan pleaded no contest to a DUI charge in an L.A. court. I'd go for the obvious Uncle Jemima's Mash Liquor joke but the E! bastards already stole it. [E! online]

• Sheryl Crow had successful breast cancer surgery last week and will undergo precautionary radiation this week. Sheryl honey, I know you want to get back with Lance, but AN EMPATHETIC BOUT WITH CANCER JUST TO WIN HIS AFFECTION seems like a bit much. [E! online]
• And the entertainment world lost two celebrities this weekend—Darren McGavin, of Mike Hammer and A Christmas Story, and Don Knotts, of virtually everything requiring goofy googly-eyed munchkins. [AP, AP]

Posted by at 7:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

If you were anywhere near a TV Sunday night, you knew there was only one competition you had to see -- and no, I'm not talking about Iron Chef America's Battle ANDOUILLE SAUSAGE!!! (Sorry, that Chairman really rubbed off on me.) Of course, I'm referring to the lavish season finale of Dancing with the Stars. After weeks of cha chas and paso dobles, we finally would discover who'd be taking home the trophy of chintzy distinction that is The Mirrorball. Would it be nimble boybander, Drew Lachey? Would it be leggy wrestler, Stacy Keibler? Or would it be proud champion, Jerry Rice? There were only two things we could be sure to see: 110 minutes of useless filler and another embarrassing Samantha Harris flub. And let me tell you, we certainly got both.

The big night began with Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris greeting us from their little perch in the crowd. Seeing how this was a special night, the two came to us decked out in their finest coat and tails. Okay, maybe not coat and tails. More like black tie. Actually, scratch that too. You see, Tom had on a tux, but he marred his classy outfit by wearing an unseemly silver necktie. For shame, Bergeron. This is Dancing with the Stars, not the All-Star Hollywood Squares Reunion Special. As for Sam, well, her outfit seemed fine... for now. More on that later.

Anyway, in proper "We need filler, STAT!" form, we then watched all the previous stars of the season enter the ballroom via the mini-grand staircase. I was somewhat surprised that the producers didn't force the cast from the first season on us as well. Must... kill... time... Actually, the biggest surprise was that the ever-loopy Tatum O'Neal didn't tumble down the stairs. Props to her.

Well, with the band playing a lame rendition of "I Want to Dance With Somebody" (then again, what rendition of that song isn't lame?), the stars boogeyed down on the raised portion of the stage before descending onto the dance floor and swooping across for the audience to see. Kenny and Andrea were first, and in typical Mayne style, he jumped off the stage and acted like the fool he is. And speaking of fools, Tatum and Nick descended to the dance floor next. The troubled Oscar winner immediately shimmied around like an over-eager wedding guest, which might explain why Nick was so happy to suddenly wander off and schmooze with the judges. Of course, this was a critical error on his part because it left Tatum alone to flap her arms spastically, all with a silly smile plastered on her face. I'm pretty sure she was high.

As for the rest of the couples, their entrances were fairly standard. Jonathan Roberts gave Giselle a nifty lift, Maksim moonwalked across the floor, and Edyta went a little nuts, shaking her ruffly dress all over the place. And then, of course, there was Master P who plodded out with his usual heavy-footedness. Oh -- and Lisa Rinna. She shimmied onto the floor as if the world might explode if she were to stop shaking her chest. I've never seen so many tassels move so quickly. It's official. This was the best Bar Mitzvah ever.

With everyone introduced, Tom and Sam announced that Mary J. Blige would be performing later -- a name synonymous with ballroom dancing, naturally. The camera then pulled out a little to reveal part of Samantha's dress. Granted, we couldn't see the whole thing, but from what had been revealed, it looked as if she had found a black tablecloth and wrapped her legs up in it. Seriously, Samantha Harris is Julie Chen's protégé. Chronic stuttering: check. Bizarre fashions: check. Silly smile: check. I'd love to see them join forces.

Well, seven minutes into the show, and nothing had happened yet. So what better time to recap Thursday's show? Sweet. And so we sat through four minutes of recap (which was good for me since my Tivo had so spuriously shunned the episode). Eleven minutes into the program, the recap ended... for now. Yes, in an effort to create the world's most ridiculous piece of filler material, the producers actually inserted a cliffhanger into the recap, which meant we had to wait through an entire commercial break to get back to the action. Before that though, the camera finally revealed Samantha's dress in all its glory, and yes, it was even larger than I had ever feared. This was not a ball gown. This was a monster. Like Jaws. No wonder why the director had waited so long to show it. I couldn't be sure, but I think she may have been sporting a hoop skirt. And not just any low-rent hoop skirt. I'm talking about a hardcore whalebone hoop skirt. And because I have a mild obsession with looking things up on Answers.com, I was quite amused to find the site's entry on hoop skirts reported, "They can sometimes be seen in the gothic fashion scene." You heard it here first: Sam Harris is a secret goth.

Anyway, fourteen minutes into the show, and we were finally ready to commence part deux of the recap. We got to relive moments like Jerry's triumphant freestyle dance -- a performance leaving me to question why Anna looked so natural in her afro wig. Maybe she's the long lost daughter of Pam Grier. I also got to see Stacy's infamous performance, and yeah, her disco stuff was really lame -- at least, for her standards. Drew was really the man of the hour Thursday night. And furthermore, Cheryl really wanted to hump him too. Somebody get her a cold shower.

Once the recap was over, Samantha gushed to the camera, "All of those routines brought such a smile to my face." Let's be honest, so do bubbles and the word "spelunker." Well, if you thought this show was going to be all recap and no dancing -- or as Len would say it, all sizzle and no sausage -- then you had another thing coming. The three finalists would be judged one last time before tabulating results. First up: Jerry Rice.

At twenty-two minutes into the program, the football legend took to the dance floor with a downright funky cha cha. Even though Jerry was the celebrity, Anna was the real star as her body wiggled and jiggled all the way through the routine. Of course, the crowd went nuts, showering the two with chants of "Jer-ry! Jer-ry!" as usual, and Len offered up a particularly nice compliment, saying, "In twenty years time, when you've got your grandchildren on your knee, you can say, 'In 2006, I mastered ballroom and latin dancing.'" Sadly, in twenty years, all I'll be able to tell my grandkids is "In 2006, I mastered using the remote control shortcuts on the Tivo." And even that's a lie. Sigh.

Jerry received equally high praise from Carrie Ann, who seemed to be wearing fake eyelashes from the Drag Queen Accessory Hut, and let's not forget Bruno, who snuck in this week's forced pun, "The lady and the champ!" Ultimately, Jerry scored straight nines for a total of twenty-seven. Even though it paled next to Drew and Stacy's showy string of thirties, it was still very impressive. I kind of wanted Jerry to earn one ten though. Ah well. His cumulative score was eighty out of ninety, which was solid, but surely nothing compared to what Stacy and Drew's scores would be. Afterwards, Jerry talked about wanting the Mirrorball Trophy so badly, he might just steal it. This caused Tom to later joke, "Jerry's such a gentleman because when he's thinking of stealing something, he gives an hour's notice." Another instant classic from Bergeron!

Next up was Stacy, who we learned had injured her foot earlier in the week. Suure. Now you say that. Funny how this surfaced after her freestyle bomb. Anyway, since his partner had been ailing from a variety of injuries, Tony brought in a "stretch specialist" -- make that a creepy stretch specialist -- who pulled and yanked Stacy in all sorts of painful ways. Must have worked because Stacy's was as fleet-footed as ever in her samba. And yes, Tony's animé hairstyle was back (it comes out with Latin dances). Well, Stacy brought the crowd to its feet, and hey, there's TVgasm friend Geoff Stults. Apparently, the two are dating. Huh. I didn't know that. I guess Geoff's not as close a TVgasm friend as I thought.

Well, the good news for Stacy was that she was back in top form. "If there are fifty series, I doubt if ever a celebrity will produce a samba like that," Len said, continuing his trend of flowery praise. Stacy eventually racked up yet another perfect score of thirty out of thirty, bringing her cumulative up to a lofty eighty-six. Plus, she topped it off with a touching story about how the kids at Johns Hopkins Medical Center had sent her a poster of encouragement. Aww, that's so sweet. But was it as sweet as Cheryl giving Drew a "onesie" for his unborn child? I DIDN'T THINK SO! Yes, in the next segment, we saw such a gift exchange happen between Cheryl and Drew, and in case the sight of a onesie wasn't enough to make you sigh, it had inscribed on it "Drew Crew." Wow, looks like Drew and Cheryl have taken a page from the Lisa Rinna school of t-shirt making. Except, of course, Drew Crew has the added bonus of rhyming. Take THAT, Team Rinna!

The big excitement in Drew's final dance was that at the end, he had to leap over Cheryl. It could be a dramatic finale. Or an embarrassing gaffe. What would happen? This was more exciting than the climax of Dirty Dancing! Well, I won't keep you in suspense. Drew executed the move flawlessly, and Cheryl's head remained untouched by his airborne crotch. Bravo, Sir Lachey! Bravo!

Just like with Stacy and Jerry, the judges heaped praise onto Drew, earning him a solid score of straight nines. His total of twenty-seven maintained his first-place lead by one point (eighty-seven out of ninety), but despite that, the excitable audience booed the judges. Gosh, wasn't there a time when earning straight nines was an unbelievable feat? Tough crowd.

With the dances over, it was time to get into some major filler material. And who better to do so than Mary J. Blige, who took the stage while two champion salsa dancers (the ones from earlier in the season) performed below her. Oh yeah, good times. Doing the salsa to "Family Affair" -- total match. Maybe next season, they can get some square dancers to do-si-do to Mya.

As the clock approached the sixty minute mark, Tom and Sam announced that the third place winner would be eliminated from the competition. Chances were that Jerry had the highest amount of votes, so he wouldn't be going home just yet. But then again, Drew's cowboy dance may have won over some valuable phone calls. Oh, enough speculation. I'll just tell you who was dropped. Sadly, it was none other than the ever lovely Stacy. The crowd once again let loose with the boo-birds, and I feared that perhaps some tomatoes would be thrown. That's okay. If objected were hurled at the audience, Samantha would surely shield everyone with the gargantuan black tarp she called a dress. Seriously, that thing was huge.

Well, with Stacy out, it didn't take much to figure out how the rest of this would go. She clearly had the lowest popular vote (mathematically, anything other than last place in the popular vote would have knocked Jerry out of the running), which meant that Drew could earn no less than two points in the popularity scoring. Considering that he had already earned three points for having the highest judging score, this meant that Drew would earn at least five points total. Jerry, meanwhile, could only score four points at best (1 point for judges scores, 3 max for popularity). Thus, no matter what, Drew had clinched it.

So now we had to sit for an hour to find out what we already know? Great.

As we began twiddling our thumbs (well, we started that about forty five minutes ago), Stacy spoke to Tom. We could barely hear her over the continuing, thunderous applause, but that's okay. She wasn't really saying anything noteworthy beyond the usual "We're all winners already" stuff. Then it was time for some memory lane junk, which predictably led to footage of Stacy crying in the interview. Aw. Poor stacy. She deserved better. I love her. Maybe I can start a love triangle with her and Geoff. It would be all over the tabloids! Or not.

Later, in a touching moment, Stacy teared up as she addressed Drew and Jerry, and might I add that Jerry looked like he may have been crying as well. His face looked a little puffy. Just saying...

But enough of this Stacy stuff. We have bigger and better filler to attend to. "Who will be crowned Dancing With The Stars Champion?" Samantha asked. "We'll find out soon!" Soon -- a.k.a. an hour. Better get a snack. This is gonna take a while.

We then cut to commercial, or rather, a trailer for the new movie, Take the Lead. It was a rousing preview, but honestly, I'm not sure I could take it seriously. Strike 1: Antonio Banderas. Strike 2: Yaya. Yes, our old friend Yaya from America's Next Top Model was featured prominently in the trailer (a step up from Radioshack commercials, I suppose). I know what you're thinking: "Antonio Banderas and Yaya together at last? A gift from heaven!" But I assure you, there will be better things to waste your money on, come this Spring. Of course, my opinion is apt to change at any time, so don't hold it against me if I someday report that I have seen Take the Lead.

Eventually, we returned to the big show where we briefly said hello to last year's winners, Alec Mazzo and a very breasty Kelly Monaco. Once the contact high of this cameo abated, we were able to move backstage where Jerry and Drew were eagerly awaiting the results. Drew admitted that he had started to do some math in his head -- which meant that he too had figured out that he'd won. So let's just give him the damn thing already.

But wait! Let's see some abbreviated dances by our favorite couples! Sure enough, the first four eliminated couples took to the stage to strut their stuff one last time. Kenny Mayne frenetically performed the cha cha cha. Tatum did the waltz. Giselle and Jonathan revisited Rosarita and the tango (gosh, I really liked them), and last but never least (okay, quite certainly least) Master P returned to jive. And yes, he was still as un-limber as ever. I'm starting to think that his knees don't actually bend. It's more like he's been surgically melded to some stilts.

Well, that was just some wonderful dancing. And in case you wanted more, great news! After the commercial break, we then got to see the remaining banished couples relive their dance floor glory. Tia and Max tangoed, George and Edyta hammed it up with... some dance (wasn't paying attention at that point -- sorry), and then Lisa and Louis jived like mad, perhaps hoping that they could somehow crack into the top two by sheer determination. Sorry, Lisa. But I have this consolation prize for you. It's a t-shirt that -- oh wait. It's one of your Team Rinna tops. You know, one of the forty-million you've plastered around the country.

After the dancing, Tom and Sam suddenly turned into a 1936 duo as he said, "When we have a homecoming, we really have a homecoming. Don't we, Sam?" And to that, she replied, "We sure, sure do!" Aw, gosh, Tommy! This is the very bestest homecoming we've ever had!

At this point, there was very little left for the show to throw our way, but never underestimate the Dancing producers' ability to provide bloated entertainment. With that in mind, we then launched into a recap of the entire season (fast forward on the Tivo), and when we came back to the live show, we found Tom standing by the stars, ready to assault them with silly questions. Of course, if there's anyone who can make Bergeron seem like Cronkite, it's Kenny Mayne, who attempted to infuse the show with his dry humor. Tom obviously would have no such thing in this hour of hamming it up, and so he simply moved on to Tatum, asking "Favorite memory?"

"I'm glad to be back!" Tatum replied. Ooookay. That's not much of a memory, but when it comes to Tatum, we should just be happy she's not slurring. Next up, Giselle proclaimed that her favorite moment was jumping into Jonathan's arms. This caused Jonathan to lurch forward with a comment, but -- ooh! Too slow for Bergeron. Our speedy host had already moved on!

Anyway, Master P made some comment about how he and George Hamilton were now going into TV (I think it was some lame joke. Couldn't quite tell). The newly slender Tia Carrere had nothing remarkable to say, and George Hamilton told us that he had been tackled by a ninety-five year old woman who had broken four of his ribs. I'd like to think that was just a yarn, buuut, you never know. Those old ladies do enjoy his leathery hide. Lastly, Lisa and Stacy looked like twins in their nearly matching pink, tasseled outfits. They babbled about who knows what, ultimately saying that George would never have any shot with Stacy. Yada yada yada -- let's move on.

As we headed into commercial break, Samantha Harris promised us a performance by "one of the greatest singers of all time." Who was she referring to? Aretha Franklin? Paul McCartney? Bruce Springsteen? Nope. Mary J. Blige again. Look, I'm all for hyperbole, but let's not get ridiculous.

Well, Mary J. sang her latest single, and then it was time to watch some profiles on our two finalists. First, an in depth analysis of Jerry Rice uncovered that he was a "warrior" and furthermore, he was quite the savory treat. Just ask Lisa: "Who is more fabulous than Jerry Rice? You want to eat him up. He's delicious!" If Charles Nelson Reilly and Paul Lynde had a love child, it would be Lisa Rinna.

Anyway, as the profile continued, Jerry talked about the coveted Mirrorball trophy. "I would put it right up there with all my other trophies," he said, adding "My many, many, many, many, many other trophies."

As for Drew, he seemed to have less reverence for the big prize. "It's an ugly trophy, but you still want to win it," he explained. Hey, what're you calling ugly? Just because the Mirrorball looks like it was created in a first-grade arts & crafts class doesn't mean it's ugly!

Eventually, these two profiles ended, and at one hour and forty-seven minutes into the show, there was only one thing left to do: watch two more profiles on Drew and Jerry. This time, the slant was less about them as competitors, and more about their journey. And so we revisited Jerry and Anna AGAIN and then it was time to see Drew and Cheryl's story AGAIN. I wish I could describe to you what these segments were like, but honestly, it was just more of the same (the only addition being Cheryl crying a little on camera).

We then went to commercial, and finally, finally it was time for results. Did I say "results?" I meant "the most awkward and enjoyable Samantha Harris flub of all time." Honestly, this was Chenbot quality. Here's the deal. Samantha and Tom greeted us from the commercial break and then announced that they'd be revealing the winner right then and there. Now, I can't be sure about this, but I think the way it was supposed to go was that the lights would dim, the spotlights would move, and the suspenseful music would begin. At that point, Sam and Tom would begin reading from their cards. However, Samantha jumped the gun, and before the lights could change, she began reading, "Well, Jerry and Anna, the judges said that your commitment and attitude were unrivaled." This was then followed by a looong, awkward pause in which the lights finally dimmed and Samantha said nothing. Even after the set was darkened, she still didn't say anything. In total, it was eight seconds before anything was said. Eight seconds -- that's an eternity in TV. Millions and millions of people watching, the critical moment, and Samantha Harris royally messes up. Fantastic.

Anyway, once the show rebounded from the sound of Samantha Harris silence, Tom Bergeron announced the winner. And no surprise here: Drew and Cheryl won! Yay! Sparklers! Now, let's hear from the victorious couple!

Or not. We then headed over to Jerry and Anna as they babbled to Samantha about how wonderful the experience was and blah blah blah. What show interviews the runners-up before the winners? Ryan Seacrest didn't talk to Bo before Carrie. Michelle Tafoya didn't corner the Seahawks before the Steelers. We just want to hear from the winners! Man, who would have thought they could sneak in more filler?

Luckily, we did get to hear from the winning couple. Cheryl talked about how awesome it was to win, and Drew merely let out a howl of excitement. He was then presented with the ever impressive Mirrorball Trophy, which Jerry Rice promptly pretended to steal. Oh, good times. The rest of the stars and dancers then filed out onto the floor for some old fashioned group hugs.

Well, it's been a fun season. I could certainly have done without all the extended episodes -- kind of made watching this lighthearted show more of a chore than it should have been. Can't wait to see which celebs sign up for next season. And Sammy Harris, it was nice knowing you. Have fun hanging out with Lisa Canning next season.

What did you think? Happy with the results? Was Stacy robbed? Or does it not really even matter?

Posted by at 6:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (44)

Things are winding down on The Gauntlet 2, and sadly, so is the drama. Don't get me wrong -- it's still always amusing to watch these teams snipe at each other for various crimes against humanity such as slow tire maneuvering or unjust Gaunlet selections. But whatever happened to the days of nonsensical screaming fits? Whatever happened to the petty witch hunts? And whatever happened to suing an island nation over flagrant chocolate syrup misuse? It looks like the best Gauntlet days might be behind us (but then again, if next week's preview is any indication, Beth could be stirring the pot yet again). Nevertheless, this week's show was amusing as always, but it lacked the certain level of drama we've come to expect. And for the umpteenth time in a row, the biggest excitement came from watching hapless reality stars plummet into the ocean. C'mon, people. Can't you yell at each other a little more? Katie -- why have you been so quiet this season? Attack! ATTACK!

Well, this week's episode started off at the club with all our favorite couples: Jodi and Alton, Mark and Timmy, and Derrick and booze. While everyone partied and had a fantastic time on the island of Trinidad and Tobago, Ibis suddenly spoke to us, all fired up and ready to bust some ass. "We're a strong team!!" she insisted loudly. Okay, okay. Settle down. Why are you so worked up? And have you been here all season? Oh, that's right. You're the girl who quietly follows Kina around everywhere she goes. Total sidekick material.

Anyway, Ibis's assertive insistence that the Rookies were strong immediately led me to believe that they'd be failing miserably this week (and the MTV on-air promos didn't help either), but just in case I wasn't totally convinced, we then returned to La Casa Del Gaunlet where Jeremy was grumbling by the computer. You see, everyone had just returned from the club at 1:30 AM, and wouldn't you know it? They had woken up poor Jer-Dawg. Now he was complaining about it. Look dude, you should just be happy you're allowed on these shows. And what were you doing asleep so early anyway? You do realize you're on the Real World/ Road Rules Challenge, right? You're supposed to be getting shitfaced every night. Not sleeping. Whatever. Maybe you should take your act over to PAX.

Nevertheless, Jeremy had a lot on his mind. "No self-control!" he scoffed. "If you can't practice it when you're off the field, then you're not going to practice it when you're on the field." This is coming from the same kid who wound up getting wasted and booting before some pivotal Road Rules challenge, if I remember correctly. Oh well. All this bitching means one thing: he's going into the Gauntlet.

Later that night -- or morning, as it were -- we then saw MJ sitting around with his hair pulled back into a pony tail. And yes, obnoxious facial hair was still present and accounted for. Basically, he looked like some lame villain from Miami Vice. Anyway, after teams received their clue (something cheeky like "Don't get too TIRED!"), the Rookies gathered on the porch for a random pep talk. "I do not think I'll be seeing the inside of a Gauntlet, but if we do, it'll be a war," MJ said. Okay. I change my mind. Jeremy's out. MJ's in.

The next morning, we finally learned about the next challenge (and no, Timmy was not dressed in his wig and bikini shirt). Teams had to crawl through a series of tires that were hanging from a rig over the ocean. Each time someone crawled through the twenty-four tires, that person would then have to drop a tire into the water. And then the last person had to drop two tires. Or something like that. Each team would get a point for every tire, but if someone were to fall, all the points would be erased (why not just give one point for every person who makes it through? Why assign points to each tire if it's all or nothing each round? Oh, I don't know. I don't care). Oh, and if someone falls, the next person going through would then have to drop two tires in the water. Basically, this was a really, really convoluted competition that essentially boiled down to people crawling through tires.

Well, the rookies decided to bench Randy because he was too big. I personally would have benched the shortest person on the team, but that's just me and that crazy "logic" concept I like to use every now and then. Over on the Vets, there was a lot of talk about Beth and whether or not she would do well and blah blah blah. Julie noted that Beth had talked like she could handle this challenge, but could she really? Probably not. But then again, as MTV had reminded us, this challenge was going to be about Alton screwing up; so I really wasn't too concerned about Beth's performance.

Anyway, the Katie attacked the tire course first, and as she scrambled through, she told us how worried she was that she didn't have enough body to stretch from tire to tire. Couldn't she just swing the tires? Nevertheless, she made it through fine and was followed by David who managed to lose his pants in the midst of everything. Pants or no pants, he made it through also, and just when we were thinking that this challenge might be a cake walk, good ol' Beth showed up, ready to piss off her team. She managed to crawl into the tires, but at a certain point, she stalled, unable to go any farther. Eventually, her team told her to just drop in the water (way to encourage her), and with that, all of her points evaporated from the board. This, of course, led to groans, eye-rolling, and various looks of "I told you so!", especially after every other person on the team slithered through the tires with no problem. By the end of the heat, the Veterans had performed well but were nervous and anxious that Beth's fall would be the death of them. Don't worry, guys. A) The Rookies have dominated the interview segments, and B) Ibis did verify how amazingly strong her team was. Therefore, it was clear that the Rooks would be losing this week.

Sure enough, the cocksure Ibis was first up for her team, and within seconds, she found herself dangling between two tires, jeopardizing the slim lead the Rookies had. Never mind that this was the easiest heat of them all, and never mind that you had to be a total idiot to screw up this challenge this early. Ultimately, Ibis lost her grip and dropped into the ocean below, utterly failing in a most embarrassing way. Ha. As she then cried in the arms of her teammates, I couldn't help wondering why the team had benched Randy instead of her. Was there a mandatory guy/girl ratio that had to be preserved? Probably. Okay, never mind.

Luckily, the rest of the Rookies weren't nearly as inept as Ibis, and they all made it through the course without incident. Kina had some minor difficulties as she found herself twirling momentarily in one of the tires. I was surprised she didn't lash out and accuse the tire of conspiring against the team. "Listen Tire. You can say whatever you want, but I know what I know, and you can't change that!"

Eventually, Kina made it through, and everything seemed to be going just wonderfully for the team. The only person left was Alton, and being that he's Superman and all, this really shouldn't be a problem for him, right? Again -- flashback to MTV promos. Okay, so Alton found himself in a bit of a spot on this course. With so many tires gone, he couldn't quite cross the gap at one point, no matter how hard he tried. And yes, he tries to swing, but that didn't work. Why the Rookies didn't have their tallest guy, MJ, go last is beyond me. If I were Alton, I would have grabbed onto the dangling chords from where the tires used to be and used those for leverage, but alas, he decided instead to climb out onto the tire and attempt to jump. The operative word there was "attempt" because no sooner had he straddled the tire in a strange, uncomfortable way, than he was suddenly hanging from it, his fingers the only thing between him and a team loss. It was kind of like an action movie, minus the excitement.

Still, this was Superman Alton, we were talking about, and if there was anyone capable of crawling back up into the tire and finishing this course, it was him. Unfortunately, the one thing he couldn't do was slow down time, and oh yeah, guess what? There suddenly was a time limit on this challenge. Funny how things can suddenly change like that. Well, the clock ticked down to zero, Alton dropped into the water, and the Veterans won, causing Derrick to yell, "Now we can f**king celebrate!!!" YEAH!!! SOMEBODY GET THE PERIWINKLE KNIT CAP!!!

At the Gauntlet deliberations, Alton apologized to his team for falling (and what about you, Ibis? No apologies from you??), and without much fanfare, he chose Jeremy (ah ha! It was him after all!) to go into the Gauntlet. Why Jeremy? Why not? Alton later explained that it was because Jeremy has never been a standout for his team (nor the series, really), but Jeremy felt differently. "C'mon! Wake up and smell the coffee," he ranted to the camera. "This is not the right decision!" For God's sake, he has a faux-hawk!! What else must he do to prove himself??

Anyway, TJ spun the wheel of misfortune, and let me guess: Captain's Choice? Surprisingly, no. Instead, the wheel landed on "Capture the Flag," which officially put Jeremy's chances at beating Alton in the Gauntlet at about 3.5 million to 1. Seeing that this Gauntlet would be totally predictable, the producers thankfully spared us from the typical pomp and circumstance and simply headed right to the competition. TJ fist-bumped the two guys, and they were off. Well, almost off. First Jeremy had to say a little prayer: "Everything is always in your hands, Lord. Honor and glory be yours. Amen." Just assuming on this one, but I tend to think Jeremy's request for divine intervention in the Gauntlet probably was not at the top of God's priority list.

For those of you uninitiated with "Capture the Flag," in the Gauntlet, it basically means two guys have to climb a cargo net and grab a flag. First one to snag it wins. (By the way, I personally would love to see these teams play normal Capture the Flag. Next season, perhaps?) Well, Alton just happens to be a whiz with climbing, and as expected, he scurried right up the net and claimed his booty. Jeremy, meanwhile, looked as if he'd maybe gotten two feet off the ground. Oh well. All's well that ends lamely. Jeremy conceded defeat, but not before any last minute griping. He told us that his lack of partying with the group really hurt him in the end. Whatever you say, dude. Have fun in "Wait, who are you again?" land.

Amusingly, the last minutes of the show weren't dedicated to watching Jeremy hug everyone goodbye (DENIED!). Instead, we watched Brad complaining about Beth, saying that he doesn't want her around for the final mission. Might there be a mutiny? Will the Vets throw the next challenge on the off chance that they can oust Beth in the Gauntlet? That would be pretty seditious, and I would totally welcome it. Next week, btw, it looks like we're in for some classic Gauntlet stuff. Kina says that she's pissed off about something -- shocker -- and Beth utters that classic reality show line: "If you have something to say, say it to my face." Her blotchy, bug-eyed face. Oh, that was mean of me. Don't worry, Beth. If you're reading this, at least take comfort that I'm totally rooting for you to stick it to your teammates.

What do you think? Did the Rookies totally screw themselves over by having Alton as their anchor? And who do you want to win next week?

Posted by at 6:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (29)

So I sat down this evening to watch last night's Tivo'd episode of Dancing with the Stars -- the penultimate episode, mind you -- and what do I find? Nothing. Nada. Between Survivor and American Idol clogging up the eight o'clock hour, Tivo was left with no chance but to cruelly deny Dancing from the über-exclusive club that is the TVgasm Thursday night lineup. And so I come to you with nothing. Sort of.

Luckily, I did catch some highlights of the show. There was Jerry Rice, who finally whipped up some strong scores with his afro'd freestyle dance and elegant fox trot. There was Stacy Keibler who revisited her sexy jive but then faltered with a lame-o disco. But all everyone's been talking about has been Drew Lachey. Drew, Drew, Drew. Endearing himself to Village People enthusiasts around the nation, Drew popped up on stage in a sleeveless cowboy gettup and proceeded to flip, dip, twirl, and essentially fling his lusty partner Cheryl all around the dance floor. I was lucky enough to see this performance in its entirety last night at work, and despite how silly it should have been, I had to admit, it was pretty awesome. And hey, it even came with its own built-in Brokeback Mountain joke, courtesy of Bruno: "Drew, you are ready for the lead in Brokeback Mountain: The Musical!" And with that, Drew quickly grabbed Cheryl's cowboy hat and placed it over his ass. Yes, America. Sodomy humor has finally come to Dancing with the Stars. Personally, I was trying to stay away from the Brokeback/Drew Lachey jokes because according to Best Week Ever and just a general sense of pop culture, Brokeback Mountain jokes are so over. It's too bad because I never really got a chance to make my funny Brokeback parody:

FYI -- Drew earned two perfect scores for a grand total of 60 out of 60. Looks like the momentum's heading his way. But then again, you can't discount Jerry Rice's popularity. Who do you think will win on Sunday?

Posted by at 7:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

Here's the deal: there were three episodes of Idol this week. So I have five hours of show to write about here. That's too much to do a proper analysis in its entirety; my fingers will fall off from typing. So I am giving myself one hour--ONE HOUR--to type as much as I can, based on memory. Because if I don't remember it, then it must have been boring so why write about it anyway?

Please keep in mind, I'm super-obsessive about analyzing American Idol. If Bryant Gumbel can break down a football game, I can do the same with Idol singers. In my head, they're all reading what I'm writing and learning so much from the pearls of wisdom I have to offer..."If _______ would just sing _______, s/he'd be GREAT!" And so what if they don't read it in real life? At least I try to help.

They're at the semi-final 24, working down to the final 12. The ladies sang on Tuesday, the dudes sang on Wednesday, and then there were results on Thursday.

So here we go. It's time to get very serious about this. Start the clock! (click!)

Las Mujeres

First of all: was it just me, or did Paula Abdul look like Barbarella? At times she does act like she's stuck in the Orgasmatron.

I'm never going to get through this if I keep going on tangents. First up:

1)Mandisa--"Never"

There was a point when Mandisa was singing, and the cameras swept up to the balcony where the other female contestants were watching. Paris Bennett and Lisa Tucker, two good singers who have no worries in this competition yet, were dancing along. Becky O'Donohue had a look on her face like "Oh, shit." Yeah Becky, meet Mandisa, your competition.

I always say the way to win Idolis to take a big step out of your comfort zone. Kelly Clarkson basically won her season on Big Band night, when she belted out "And Some Like That There" like she had been singing those songs all her life. Ruben doesn't sing country, but he nailed "Sweet Home Alabama." Fantasia is strictly R&B, but people still talk about her rendition of the showtune "Summertime." Bo Bice could have won his damn season, had he JUST ONCE done anything other than his acoustic-rocker thing, which started out great but became a yawnfest after a while; yet Carrie Underwood, a personality-void girl who is currently establishing her foothold in utterly boring Contemporary Christian music, blew everyone away when she wailed "Alone," by rock supergroup Heart. These are the moments the Idols shine.

Entre' Mandisa--definitely not a rocker chick--who jumped on the Heart train and tossed her weave around while shreiking out rock anthem "Never." She picked that song, she said, to show "sistas can rock too." Did she have pitch problems? Yeah, she sang sharp a few times; I chalk it up to adrenaline. Did she pull it off? Absolutely! Put her in a studio immediately to record it. She gave me chills. I'm telling you, versatility is key to an Idol win. And Mandisa knows it. Smart lady. She was so good!

Ugh, that took too long. Tick tock tick tock.

2) Kellie Pickler--"How Far"
Cute girl, sang her song as an ode to her dad in jail. She sounded cartoonish, sang most of it flat, doesn't have enough range for that song. Doesn't matter, we love her. Standing with Ryan Seacrest, she smiled into the camera and chirped "Pick Pickler!" like she was running for Student Council. She's very real. See you next week, Kellie! NEXT--

3) Becky O'Donohue--"Because The Night"
Becky, do you want me to give you Hugh Hefner's phone number? I am friends with some Playmates, I can get it for you. You and your sister will make millions. And you can sing at Hef's mansion. Won't that be fun?

4) Ayla Brown--"Reflections"
Who knew she could wail? Rock on, Ayla. She needed this performance to be great to establish her presence with the other big personalities, and she nailed it. For the first time we saw personality in those eyes. This was her best so far that we've seen. I'm a little proud of her, and I don't even know her.

5) Paris Bennett--"Midnight Train To Georgia"
Has the bluesy voice, has the perky pop in her step, even worked the Gladys Knight feathered hair. Fabu. Singing? Great, especially since she didn't go the Idol route of singing a song with all sorts of long sustained power-notes to show how loud she can be. And that has its place, but this time around, Paris just sang a nice song and gave it a lot of chuztpah. That's hard to pull off. And when she was singing, the cameras cut over to Kevin Covais, who was shaking his money maker for all it was worth. That's a pretty strong endorsement, I say. She has the power to touch people. Or maybe just the power to touch Kevin Covais. Whatever, Kevin needs as much screen time as he can get.

6) Stevie Scott--"Where You Are"
What the hell happened with Stevie? She blew it. Apparently she thought she would be artistic and original and sing a soft, elegant ballad, all in her lovely operatic falsetto...but she forgot to breathe when she sang. It was just awful, totally high school talent show. And how sad, because you know she's good, but she's too caught up in her own head. KISS: Keep It Simple, Stevie.

7) Brenna Gethers--"You Are The Sunshine Of My Life"

I'm not even typing about Brenna. It hurts my fingers too much. I want her gone. Although I do like how Ryan clocked her when he said "I notice you're constantly posing." We love Ryan for that. But only for that. Seeing Ryan Seacrest and Brenna Gethers on stage together makes my eyes bleed! NEXT--

8) Heather Cox--"When You Tell Me That You Love Me"
This song was like a Tylenol P.M. Nice voice, but so what? You want her to spice it up, you hope she does, by you know she never will. So we'll suffer for a few weeks, watching her flounder around and hoping she can pull it together because it just seems like she could...but she never will. And the minute she's cut we won't care.

Who was next? Kinnik Skye or Melissa McGhee? I'll go with Kinnik--

9) Kinnik Skye--"Get Here"
Sounded exactly like Oleta Adams. Otherwise known as "Trenyce 2.0."

10) Melissa McGhee--"When The Lights Go Down"
I hope Melissa makes it to the Top 12. Not that she'll win. But if she makes it to Top 12, she can pull a Kimberly Locke: establish a small but devoted fan base, get a recording deal with a small but respected label, and have a lovely and lucrative career in adult contemporary, leaving Idolmania in the past. She and Taylor Hicks should do a duet. We likey.

And, like Taylor, she needs some help from the Idol stylists. She wears too much makeup and needs to go back to blonde.

11) Lisa Tucker--"I Am Changing"
I bet Lisa uses that song as her audition for all her high school musicals. It was good, and fun, but so...safe. Everyone loves her right now, but she really, really needs to step out of her comfort zone and wow us with something totally unexpected, if she wants anyone to take her seriously later on down the road. And she can do it, she's fantastic. But does she have the guts? We'll see. I say she is the first "shocker" elimination, about halfway through the finals.

12) Katherine McPhee--"Since I Fell For You"
I love that Katherine sang a Barbra Streisand song, and actually pulled it off. I love that she batted her eyelashes at the camera the whole time. And I love that at the end of the day, she's just a giggly girl who's having the time of her life. She can sing, and she's fun. Perfect.

...tick tock tick tock...

Los Hombres

First to sing: Patrick Hall--"Come To My Window"
Cute pop voice and medium emotional investment, which is jarring with this song, since Melissa Etheridge screamed it like she was singing for her life. Why is it that when I watch him sing, I think of Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh? His personality reminds me of Eeyore. Not his voice, his voice is good. But his eyes seem like they're just waiting for the bad news to come at any moment. Just like Tyra said to Gisele on Season 1 of America's Next Top Model: "If you don't believe you're fierce, we won't believe it either." Mandisa and Paris Bennett believe they're fierce, Patrick. Why don't you?

2) David Radford--"Crazy Little Thing Called Love"

I totally jazzed on his vibe. Not that his "cute-guy-turned-lounge-singer" thing has any future in this contest, other than going on the "American Idol Tour" if he accidentally makes it to the Top 12. Because seriously, David isn't exactly Michael Buble'. It's piano bars and steakhouses for him once this show is over. But tonight, I liked him, he sang great. He just makes me nervous; I don't want him to be on the show long enough for people to start being mean, talking about how they don't understand why he's on the show at all. Because at the end of the day, he's legitimately talented, and he seems like a nice guy. I worry about these things.

3) Bucky Covington, singing some song that I forget the name of.
I didn't pay any attention to this one, so I don't know what he sang, honestly. I didn't like what he was doing with the whole throaty-voice thing, that wave of music is pretty much over. Grunge already happened, like, ten years ago...and yeah, Creed's still around, but they already have a lead singer. That's it. Try something new, please. There's a voice in there somewhere. NEXT--

4) Will Makar--"I Want You Back"
Bad, bad, bad song choice. While a teenage boy exiting puberty may be appealing to Michael Jackson on a personal level, a teenage boy exiting puberty needs to sing songs like "Human Nature," not the Jackson Five bubble-gum stuff. On a surface level it seems he did alright, he sang the song technically well and he's cuter than a basket of puppies; but it also established his image as boring. This cracked his foundation. It was a bad night for him. Strike 1.

5) Sway--"Reasons"

He showed up in purple velvet sportcoat and cocked white hat, and sang mostly in falsetto. And I LOVED it! Why? I have no idea. It was crazy. But it takes a big man with a big voice to sing in falsetto, hardcore old-skool style, and pull it off. And pull it off, he did, even though Simon called him "pimpy." But doesn't Simon get it? That's what we love. I am Swayed. I'm totally a Swaymate now. Pimp on, I say.

6) Chris Daughtry--"Wanted: Dead Or Alive"
Oh please. Do we need another Bon Jovi? Yes, he was very very good. The judges went ga-ga for his rock-solid performance, and still I think Chris is the bee's knees, but the cheese factor was too much for me with this song. He told a story how he likes to sing this song at bars because the "crowd goes crazy." And you can totally see him singing that song in some bar, in Cleveland or Daytona Beach or someplace where Bon Jovi fans go to die, surrounded by a gaggle of barfly floozies with bad halter tops and visible thongs and acrylic nails, all planning how they're going to be the one he bangs that night. Blech. I still voted for him. Did I mention I look pretty fly in halter tops?

7) Kevin Covais--"One Last Cry"

I want to keep Kevin as a pet. I love his little speech impediment/lisp thing he gets when he sings. But the actual performance? Well... Kevin Covais singing Brian McNight is like me trying to play in the NBA. Futile. Josh Groban, fool! Sing Josh Groban!

8) Gedeon McKinney--"Shout"
Gedeon and his eyebrows sang "Shout" like the wedding singer he is destined to be. NEXT--

9) Elliot Yamin
I was on the phone when he started singing so I didn't hear the name of his song. And with him on mute, I was fixated on his underbite and unfortunate need for dental work. But when I hung up, I turned the volume back up, and he's was good, y'know?...he's good. I want him to take a big breath and support his tone, so that nasty hyper-vibrato he's got will disappear. But the vocal coaches at Idol should help him with that. Otherwise, I dig him. Okay, I get why Simon showers with Elliot Yamin-shaped soap. I get it.

10) Bobby Bennett--"Copacabana"

What's there to say about Bobby Bennett? Hmm...well, my friend Regina called me right when he finished singing, and our conversation went something like this:

(ring!)
"Hello?"
"Did you just see that guy on Idol?"
"Yes."
"It was like Jackie Gleason got drunk and decided to sing Barry Manilow songs."
"Exactly."

And there you have it. See ya, Bobby.

11) Ace--"Father Figure"

Ace gets the award for "Perfect Song Choice" for the night, sailing through that song all sultry and silky-smooth. "American Idol" title or not, he will soar, singing songs on Top 40 radio and making girls cry. All the girls who liked Constantine will like Ace, even though Ace sounds far more pleasant than the alarm clock that is Constantine's voice. Because, like Constantine, Ace knows how to gaze directly into the camera and raise his eyelids juuuuust enough to tease you with how he would look lying in your bed, wearing nothing but his skivvies, pulling you down to spoon. Gay boys and straight women have his voting number on speed dial. Straight guys vote for him because they admire his hair. And the lesbians of America?...well, perhaps they like his voice. Because on top of it all, he's actually good. Ace is going to give Katherine McPhee and Paris Bennett and Mandisa a run for their money.

12) Taylor Hicks--"Levon"
This song was not my favorite Taylor moment; he sang somewhat forced, straining out of his range too much. But no matter. He's all good. Simon even admitted he was wrong when he said this competition was not the right place for Taylor. Because this is is home. This is the arena which brings Taylor to us so we may bask in his glow. We love Taylor and can't wait for him to sing again.

But isn't there someone who can give him a better haircut?

I HAVE FIVE MINUTES LEFT HANG ON--

The Results

Two dudes and two ladies were to be cut from this show, so they streeeeetched it out for as long as possible. First, the contestants all sang some group song, I forget what; Chris Daughtry and Ace were given solos, although Kevin Covais got the most screen time when singing back-up and what-not. Blah, blah, blah.

They have this new system of making people stand up on the bleachers in groups of lowest-votes-received, but it makes no sense, because at first they say Bobby Bennett and Sway are together, but then Patrick "Eeyore" Hall gets cut, and Sway is fine. Then they called Heather Cox up to the stage, but as she stood up Ryan pulled a "Psyche! Just kidding! It's Stevie Scott!" moment. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I only watched because I knew I had to write about it for TVgasm.

Oh, and Becky O'Donohue got cut too. Big surprise. Simon suggested a modeling career. Because obviously that's why the judges put her into the Top 24. Every Idol success story helps publicize the show, whether it's for singing or not. And she thanked the judges and American Idol and America for giving her this opportunity. Very Miss America. I said that before, too, this show is the new Miss America.

And I would talk about that more but I'm out of time. Hopefully there aren't any typos, I'm not fixing anything. Peace out!

Posted by Papi at 6:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (58)

After last week's horrible misfire of an episode where everyone started acting like Susan for an hour, will Desperate Housewives recover this week? Well the answer is... kind of. It was much better than last week’s episode for sure, but that’s like saying that having uncontrollable explosive diarrhea is better than regular uncontrollable diarrhea. Either way, you’re sitting in some stink.

The problem with this show is that they constantly follow four separate storylines every episode, and even on a good day, only two of them are at all interesting. I'm all for the Bree as a drunk storyline, but then I am forced to sit through a grotesquely deformed Maria Conchita Alonzo and Eva Longoria going head to head to see who can overact the most. Ah well, if life gives you lemons... then tell him to F off. Or something. I'm not good with sayings.

The show opens with Susan and her ex-husband lawyer working on their insurance fraud scheme. Susan as you know has a…sigh, “wandering spleen�, and needs to have an operation but doesn’t have any insurance. Her ex-husband Karl agreed to marry her so she can have insurance for the operation and is setting up the pre-nup. Karl then asks her to get her wedding ring, which was Karl’s mother's ring. Susan, of course, doesn’t have it. She threw it out the window Bobbitt style back when Karl cheated on her. Karl won’t hear it so he makes her look for it with a metal detector. Susan fumbling with a metal detector, the writer’s idea of high comedy.

Over on the other side of town, which I think is named Wisteriaopolis or something, Bree is at a fancy Italian restaurant getting shit faced drunk and crying at the arias being sung by the waiter. Not exactly my idea of a Friday night. Well, the shit faced drunk part, sure, but not so much the Italian restaurant and crying part. OK, maybe the crying part, but definitely not the Italian restaurant part. When her waiter comes by and offers to order her a cab she reluctantly agrees, but not until asking for another bottle of Pinot Grigio. When the car goes to drop Bree off at home, she stumbles out of the car and then promptly falls on her face in the middle of the front lawn and passes out. The next morning Mrs. McClusky finds her spread eagled on the front lawn reeking of booze. She knocks on the door and tells Andrew, who thinks it’s hilarious. He says he can “take care of it� and sends Mrs. McClusky on her way. Then he turns on the sprinkler system to wake her up.

Mrs. McClusky then goes over to the Scavo’s to babysit the kids as both Lynette and Tom are being pulled into work on a Saturday. When Lynette sees this she freaks out and tells Tom that there is no way there are going to let her watch their kids. She is too old and they would kill her. She tells him that she will find someone herself.

At the Van De Kamp's Andrew is goading Bree about her hangover. Bree is denying it and saying that she had a ‘reaction� to her antihistamine medicine. The kids aren’t buying it, since they aren’t idiots. Well, maybe Danielle. When the door rings it's Lynette asking Bree if she can babysit their kids. I smell alcohol-fueled shenanigans in our future.

When the twins are making a racket with their toys Bree tells them to please be quiet because she has a special “grown up� headache. They keep making a racket so Bree decides to take the edge off with a giant glass of wine (using the same etched crystal wine glass she’s been using all season that bothers me for some reason). Which leads to a few more and a few more. She eventually passes out on the couch with the baby in her arms. How very Pamela Lee of her. The twins try to wake her but when she doesn’t budge they take the baby, put him in the stroller and walk off into the sunset. Bree then wakes up and when she can’t find the kids runs frantically into the street yelling for them. She stops by Mrs. McClusky’s asking her if she’s seen the kids because she “has something to tell them� but Mrs. McClusky says she hasn’t.

Back at the ad agency the Scavos are working hard on whatever it is they do until Lynette gets a call from a woman in a salon in downtown Wisteriaopolis saying that she has their kids. They both frantically rush down to get them. When the woman dares to criticize the fact that their kids were wandering the streets Lynette gets pissy and is offended that the woman is judging them. Former junkies have quite the temper, I guess. It’s kinda like if you call Courtney Love a bad mother she unleashes a drug fueled tirade of F-bombs in your direction. Tom stops her before she gets into too much trouble reminding her that the kids walked three miles and they don’t have a leg to stand on. When they get back home Bree races across the street telling Lynette how sorry she is. She says she must have been busy in the kitchen and didn’t hear them leaving. When the kids say that she was sleeping, Lynette grounds them for a week. Way to go, ex-junkie. Punish children for telling the truth. These kids would be better off at Paul’s house. Oh wait, he’s the cold blooded killer. Maybe over at Mike Delfino’s house? No wait he’s an ex-con who’s got a mob boss after him because he didn’t kill Paul as ordered. OK, how about Susan? Nope, she’s too busy committing insurance fraud. Same with Karl. Hmmmm. The Solis'? Well, Carlos is on parole for gay bashing and corporate theft. Wow. This show really is something else isn’t it?

The next day Lynette is taking out the garbage. Mrs. McClusky is gardening next door and asks Lynette why she would hire a babysitter that gets drunk and loses her kids. Lynette says it isn’t true. Mrs. McClusky points out that she smelled wine on her breath when she was looking for the kids and that she found her passed out on her front yard the day before. Goddamit, it was the antihistamines! Lynette still doesn’t believe her and tells Mrs. McClusky to “spread your poison somewhere else.� Mrs. McClusky is the most out of place on this show. She’s too… what’s the word I’m looking for here? Ah yes. Moral.

When Lynette confronts Bree about what she heard Bree admits that she may have had a “tiny bit of chardonnay,� the same way I’m going to have a “tiny bit� of Guinness tonight and end up propositioning a flagpole. Lynette freaks out saying that Bree got drunk and passed out while babysitting her kids. Bree denies it and walks off in a huff. Lynette then notices the garbage bags full of empty wine bottles and starts unloading them one by one. She leaves them all lined up on Bree's front porch with a note saying “Do you still think you don’t have a problem?� Just when they come up with a good idea for a storyline, they end it. If they resolve this “Bree as an alcoholic" storyline by next episode I’m gonna be pissed. They could have had at least 5 or 6 episodes of drunk Bree doing all sorts of things. Puking on people, random guys doing belly shots off her, maybe even killing a guy in a drunken haze. But instead we are veering towards after school special territory with her “getting help.� Whatever…

Over on the Susan front we’re still dealing with the unbelievable plot point that a young hot doctor is pursuing a romantic relationship with an anorexic 50-year-old single mother with a deformed face. Can you tell this show makes me bitter? Anyhoo, “Doctor Ron� is coming downstairs after a night of geriatric lovemaking (I bet they burned through three of Susan’s trusses) to tell her that he made reservations for two at Chez Naomi, to which Susan says she will “have a light lunch.� Since she weighs 62 pounds, a light lunch to Susan is flavored air. Ron then says that he can move up her surgery to Wednesday if she wants. She says she can’t because she “has a wedding that day,� meaning her own. This leaves her in a brief guilt mode, but Julie is there to assure her that insurance fraud is OK. It’s nice to know that Susan’s ethics are being brought to a new generation. Then Susan sends her over to Karl and Edie’s to give Karl his mother's ring, illegally download some music and rip some tags off of some mattresses.

Since dinner with Susan can never be normal (the last one, she gave her date a head butt), we see Edie looking through Karl’s things and spotting the ring and he pre-nup, thinking it is for her. Later that night both Susan and Dr. Ron and Karl and Edie are at Chez Naomi. When Karl orders the soufflé Edie thinks it’s his setup for proposing and she goes over and grabs Susan and drags her into the bathroom. Since Edie is a vicious bitch she wants to tell Susan first that they are getting married. When Susan asks why she thinks he is going to propose Edie tells her about the ring and the pre-nup. When Susan realizes that those were for her she tries to convince Edie that he isn’t going to ask her. Edie just thinks that that means that Susan is jealous and she storms out. The wacky misunderstanding has been set up, now onto the mediocre payoff. Even the “wacky Susan mishap� musical cues are being played, although I would myself prefer them go with a classic Debbie Downer trumpet noise.

Susan makes one last failed attempt at trying to thwart the incident by sending a waiter with a note to the table warning Karl that she thinks he’s going to propose, but wouldn’t ya know it; he sends it to the wrong table, thus causing a hee-larious scene with another couple. Oh, my sides hurt. And not from laughing. I was actually stabbing myself with a fork as punishment for watching this stuff. From here Edie starts digging through her soufflé looking for a ring. Karl just stares at her stares at her, and then Edie exclaims “Uh oh, spa-ghetti-os!� OK, so she didn’t but she might as well have.

Later that night Susan grabs Karl outside his house to tell him what happened at the restaurant. She says she can’t go through with the wedding because of all the deception. Karl tells her that she can’t and says he can handle Edie. When Susan asks how he says he will simply ask her to marry him for real.

And finally we have the Solises. Gabrielle is coming home and sees Carlos upstairs smiling and talking to a woman in a bathrobe; it sends her running upstairs in a jealous rage. When she finally gets upstairs she sees that it’s just her mother Lucia. When Gaby asks what she is doing here on Valentine's Day, Lucia says she and her rich boyfriend broke up. Then Lucia shows Gaby her new boobs. “My plastic surgeon gave me a great deal!� she says. Well if it’s the same one that ravaged the woman’s face it had better be a good deal. Seriously, for those few fans out there of the Running Man era Maria Conchita Alonzo, don’t watch this. It’s sad to see how ravaged her face has become through plastic surgery. Remember at the end of Poltergeist when all the bodies started flying out of the ground? She looks like on of those. Take a good look at your future, Gaby. That’s you, only with better teeth.

Join us next week for more....Tales From the Crypt!

Later as they are having dinner the conversation turns to them trying to have kids. Carlos refuses to adopt so Gaby suggests a surrogate. Carlos isn’t thrilled with having a stranger carrying their baby but then Lucia has a suggestion of her own. She offers to be the surrogate mother. Gaby refuses and storms off.

The next day Gaby is singing a different tune and tells her mother than they should go shopping together and talk about the “surrogacy thing� and see if they can make it work. Gabrielle then drives up to a hotel and tells Lucia that the boutique is in the lobby. When Lucia gets out Gabrielle locks the doors and tells her she is leaving and she wants her mother to check into the hotel and get out of their lives. When she gets home Carlos is furious with her, telling her it was a rotten thing to do. Gabrielle tells him that the only reason she offered to be their surrogate is because she needs a new sugar daddy. Carlos then asks Gabrielle if she ever bothered to talk to her mom about what happened between her and her stepdad who raped her. Gabrielle says Lucia knew exactly what happened and she didn’t ask because she thought she wouldn’t believe her, and that would have hurt worse than being raped. With that Gaby cries, probably pulling several muscles in Eva Longoria’s chest, since actual attempts at acting after years of neglect can cause all sorts of muscle pulls.

Later, Carlos goes over to Lucia’s hotel room to talk to her. He wants to know if she is still interested in the surrogacy thing. Lucia then comes out of the bathroom asking Carlos to zip her up. I throw up in my mouth a little. Carlos says that it could work if she and Gaby could mend some fences. He brings up the fact that her second husband assaulted Gaby when she was young. Lucia says she knows all about it but says it was Gabrielle who seduced him because she was jealous of her. With that Carlos finally realizes how scummy Gabrielle’s mother really is. When he goes home he gives Gabrielle a big kiss and tells her that he thinks adoption may be the way to go. When she asks why he says “blood isn’t everything.�

Finally we go to the Zach/Mike/Paul storyline. Or, the “serious� storyline. At breakfast Zach is asking questions about his real dad, and Paul gets angry and cuts him off. Over at evil Noah Tyler’s deathbed one of his goons is telling him the entire story about his daughter, Zach’s junkie mother. He tells him about the Youngs killing her and dumping her in a toy chest and raising the kid themselves. Well, at least they didn't babysit him while drunk. When he says that Paul Young is still alive he asks him if he wants to take care of him. Noah just says that he wants him to make sure that Paul gets “a toy chest of his very own.�

Mike meanwhile goes over to Paul’s house to warn him about Noah and the fact that he knows about Zach. He tells him that both he and Zach need to leave town. He doesn't want Noah to get anywhere near his precious borderline serial killer son because Noah "destroys everything he touches." When Paul says that that means that he will never see his kid again Mike says he knows, but it’s the only way. He's such a sensitive and caring 40-something stud. No wonder they had him judge the Miss America contest. Zach of course, is doing the oft-used writers cheat of having overheard the whole conversation so now he knows Mike is his real dad.

So what did everyone else think? Are they getting as bored with this show as I am? Grey’s Anatomy is more fun to watch for me now, and I can’t stand squinty-faced lispy girls.

Posted by EdHIll at 4:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (17)

Well everybody, B-Side is slightly behind on some of his recaps, and in an effort to make sure he is fresh for all new seasons of The Apprentice and Amazing Race next week, I'll be doing some guest recapping on Survivor. Last week, La Mina suffered their first lost in an immunity challenge and decided to send home Misty. Now while I would think it would be a good idea to keep a missile engineer who ran marathons around for challenges, some of the La Mina establishment believed that she might be a threat after the merge. You would think that the first tribal council is not the time to be voting off a strong player, but we would soon find out.

At the La Mina camp, Sally was experiencing just about the worst feeling you can have on survivor, well at least if you haven't broken a bone or fallen into a fire. She was the only one in tribal council that didn't vote for Misty to go home. That means that she was out of the loop and had no allies. It also makes her the obvious target to go home and can leave you feeling isolated. And as if to prove that point, she goes up to some of the guys as they are making fire and sort of sits there saying hello, but nobody says anything to her. I know that these people don't care that she exists, but the least you could do for her is acknowledge her at camp. You don't even have to speak, even a simple head nod would do.

Even worse for Sally was that Dan decided that Ruth Marie would be a "perfect fit" to be in his alliance, and he asked her if she wanted to go to the final five. Does anybody have a clue at what "perfect fit" means in this case? I guess you could say that Dan wanted somebody else who was grossly thin so he wouldn't be the weakest in his alliance. This is clearly an example of an overzealous sidekick (Dan) trying to prove himself to his master (Terry). Dan thinks that if he brings more numbers into their merge, Terry will be proud of him. In reality, there is no reason to add to a final four alliance, especially in Survivor. What were the chances Ruth Marie, who can barely speak for herself, was going to bolt to the other side after the merge and start voting against La Mina? Dan was so proud, saying the alliance was strong and would make it to the merge. Well, no shit, since there is only one person not in the alliance, the entire alliance will probably make it. All of that dried-up food and drinking your recycled pee must do something to your brain.

Over at Casaya, winning the challenge didn't really lighten the mood at camp. OK, it sort of mellowed, but that was because Shane wasn't spending time on that proctologist thinking log of his. With nothing crawling up his but, he wasn't screaming at everybody, although there was plenty to scream about. Aras, Shane, and Bruce were busy collecting several pounds of snails so they could go home, cook them, and have a nice meal. The problem was that everybody else at camp was either sleeping or doing yoga, and they even let the fire go out. This lack of effort upsets Aras enough that he decides to call a team meeting to discuss all of the laziness around camp.

Courtney is the first female amputee to be on Survivor

These sorts of team meetings almost never succeed because almost everybody has worked hard at least once, and if you say "You never do any work", they come back by saying "Oh yeah, what about that one time I got the coconuts? Remember the coconuts? You ate one! remember?" or something like that. At Casaya, it would never work because Courtney is insane, and not the lovable, goofy, I wore my scoutmaster uniform to the show type of insane that we learn to love from people like Lil. It was all kind of pointless argument, except I do kind of like what Cirie was doing. She knows that she is next, and although she wasn't actively scheming, she at least realizes that all of the fighting is going to help her, so maybe she can think of a way to help herself down the line. It's too bad that she isn't trying to get Bruce or Bobby to help her break up Shane, Aras, Danielle and Courtney.

The reward challenge once again had the survivors in the water. They had to complete a puzzle made of six triangular pieces. Each piece had a symbol on each side. After jumping in the water and unhooking the pieces, they would have to pull the pieces inside of the puzzle boundary, and then arrange the pieces so any side that was touching would have matching symbols. I always complain about how unnecessarily complex these challenges are, not to mention how repetitive, but I have noticed that the challenge writers have been doing a very good job the last couple of seasons of designing challenges that have led to very close finishes. This one was very similar, as both teams were able to retrieve all of their pieces within minutes of each other. It was an exciting challenge, and not just because it was close. Cirie was chosen to sit out, meaning we would not have to worry about one of those basketballs she hides in her swimsuit comes flying out and blinding us. In the end, it was Casaya that solved their puzzle first, meaning that they would win the reward, and choose a player to send back to Exile Island.

What was the reward? A chance for a little product placement! Charmin was the sponsor, and since they are all about toilet paper, they donated a nice outhouse to Casaya. This outhouse was special, however, because it had a toilet seat. Yes, nothing like a smooth wooden toilet seat to make you forget about the six-foot tapeworm [not ringworm, thanks Pandora] that just left your body. Then again, there was plenty of soft Charmin to keep you fresh as well. Attached to the outhouse was what Jeff called a bush shower, and yes, the guys could use it to because bush simply meant there was no running water. They did get five gallons of fresh water, some soap, a scrubbing brush, and a loofah so they can keep clean.

Usually, the producers wait a little while longer until handing out grooming rewards, but I guess after having to smell Bobby Jon last year, they didn't want to go through that again. As rewards go, I though it was only OK, because unless somebody was willing to clean out that outhouse, there's only so many days where it can be useful. Aras had another idea for the outhouse, however, and that was to store wood. It was clean, dry, enclosed, basically a perfect place to store wood. Never would they have to worry about burning wet wood again!

Bobby, however, wasn't buying any of that, but he did want to store some lumber. In a moment that will go down in Survivor history, he politely asked if anybody would mind if he broke in the dumpster. Nobody was looking for further explanation, but just in case anybody was confused, he announced that he's got a deuce to drop. And while everybody else looked disgusted that the wood storage would now stink beyond the point of being useful, Bobby calmly walked in, dropped trou, and got to business. And just in case his teammates weren't feeling queasy enough (as if walking into the dumpster Britney style - i.e. barefoot, wasn't plenty), he joyfully announces afterwards that he feels ten pounds lighter. That, my friends, is a lot of snails and means that they probably wouldn't store any wood there. It's one thing to have your wood have a mesquite aroma, but nobody wanted the fire to smell like one of Bobby's logs.

Unfortunately, Casa de Charmin didn't come with any magazines

Around camp, there was still plenty of work to do. Shane has really mellowed out, which I guess goes to show you that winning solves all problems. Either that, or the producers found some emergency nicotine patches for fear he was going to kill somebody. He decided that they had to move the fire pit, so he got together with Aras and decided on a new location. Not that I don't think these guys are smart or that the pit shouldn't have been moved, but personally, I would have chosen Bruce. If he's good enough for Ralph Maccio, he's good enough for me.

Shane and Aras marked out where they thought the fire pit should be, and Cirie got to work. Previously, I mentioned that Cirie has at least realized that she might be able to take advantage of all of the infighting among her tribe, but I don't think she'll be a scheming savior. Right now, her strategy is to work hard and do well enough in the challenges to make Shane and Aras think twice about sticking with Courtney. She starts digging, and Danielle sort of walks over and watches her dig. Now I'm not sure what she could have done to help because they only have one shovel, but there was certainly some more important work out there than "watch Cirie dig a pit" to be done, right? Shane lets her know it, and they get into a fight. After a little while, Shane actually tried to back down for the fight that he started, and I would say that Danielle sort of won the argument, but did you notice that she at least started to help digging that fire pit? Things are actually boring at Casaya with normal Shane, so let's hope they start losing so he can go nuts again.

Back at La Mina, they just didn't know what to do. Casaya had sent the obvious choice, Terry, to Exile Island, and it really had the desired effect on the rest of the tribe. Once again, Dan though this would be his chance to show a little authority, and so he decided he was going to take charge. Terry would be so proud of him when he got back from Exile Island and saw that Dan was able to keep things running smoothly. There is nothing better for a sidekick than to have the approval of your master when he returns home from a long trip. Dan decided that the most important thing should be firewood, which seemed like a good idea until Ruth Marie said that maybe they should look for food and then Austin decided that he wanted to take a nap. Dan had to admit that he is nothing without his master, and everybody just sort of did their own thing.

If I were in La Mina, I would definitely think that the search for food would be the most important thing out there. I mean, when Ruth Marie starts feeling hungry, you know you are in trouble. She doesn't speak a lot, so if something is bothering her enough to talk, you have to take notice. Then again, she is trying to be more vocal these past few days, and we have managed to get almost a dozen words out of her during this episode already. There are plenty of fish flopping around in the water, but they can't seem to catch any that aren't poisonous. They don't seem to have the success at finding snails that Casaya enjoys, and nobody has been able to find any sort of plants that could help them out. Then again, even if they had food, they couldn't even keep the fire going without Terry.

And how was Terry doing on Exile Island? Well, not too shabby to tell you the truth. He had flint and a machete, and he was able to start a fire. The rain was pretty light, so he was able to spend a lot of time looking for the immunity idol. They started going through a montage of all of the different clues, with shots of Terry looking around different parts of the island. The key clues were that it was under a rock and buried underground; Terry just had to find the correct rock. He found a couple of stones near a try, and when he saw that there were no roots getting in his way, he knew he must be close. And there it was, inside a bottle that was inside a box, a shrunken head talisman that was good at any time up until the final four. Casaya thought they were so smart sending Terry away, and while it may have hurt his tribe, it turned out to be the best visit to Exile Island ever for Terry.

We finally made it to the immunity challenge where Jeff said that it would require balance, teamwork, and patience. Just add some alcohol and a few strippers, and that sounds like a description of a normal weeknight with EdHill. Each team picked a person to be seated in a chair. This chair was attached to a pulley and on the other end was a bucket. The tribes had to fill that bucket until there was enough water to lift the person in chair up until they were high enough to pull a pin and release their flag. Two pairs from each team were to walk along a balance beam for their tribe that crossed the balance beam for the other tribe, which would take them to the water to fill up two small buckets. They would return all of the way back across the balance beam and fill up a larger bucket, which would then be pulled up by somebody sitting up high to fill the really big bucket that would eventually weigh enough to fall down and lift the person waiting in the seat.

Again, this was a very complicated set up, but like I said before, I think it was well executed. If anybody fell off the balance beam, they would have to drop any water they had and go back to the start. This meant that everybody was very careful, and one little slip might be the few seconds that somebody needs to make the difference. Because they were on the balance beam, both sets of people from each tribe would have to be going in the same direction, because it was impossible to "pass". That means that even if a person were done on one side of the balance beam, they would have to wait for their teammates to get back before they could continue in the other direction. Hey, it might not have been as intense watching the wrestling going on last week, but the teams literally finished minutes apart.

Dan fell off the balance beam at one point, which gave Casaya a slight edge even though Sally and Austin were absolutely flying through the course. It literally came down to the last bucket. Casaya filled theirs first, and Danielle started moving up slowly. La mina filled their bucket next, and Ruth Marie was going up a little faster, but not fast enough to catch Casaya, who won reward by a matter of minutes.

Although La Mina lost, they were actually pretty happy when they got back to camp because Terry returned, and he was able to boss them around again. Besides, after last tribal council, there really wasn't any question as to what the pecking order was in the tribe so everybody felt pretty safe. However, after losing the third challenge in a row, some people started questioning the idea that Ruth Marie should be in the alliance. Austin mentioned that it is nice to go into the merge with a strong alliance, but if the alliance is only four members, they are just going to get picked off. Yes, it is possible that some of the originally tribes come together again, and we know that La Mina is on the verge of breaking up themselves, but you can't take that chance. Sally has been great in the immunity challenges, and Ruth Marie isn't getting any stronger, so maybe it would be best to keep Sally.

Austin decides to discuss this plan with Terry, and Terry decides that it is probably a good idea. Technically, Dan was the only person who made the promise to Ruth Marie, so he shouldn't really worry about breaking his word. Actually, the reason you shouldn't worry about breaking your word is that Ruth Marie has no chance of being on the jury. Terry decides to break the news to Dan, who is almost heartbroken that his master decided that his plan to help was not going to be worth it. Well, it was almost the most useless addition to an alliance I have ever seen. I thought Dan would really back down, but he tried to defend the decision to keep Ruth Marie, saying that she was a loyal person. It would be nice to go to the merge with five people, but if the fifth person would flip on a whim, they might as well go with four strong, right? Nick also didn't like the way they were getting out of the promise on a technicality, and didn't want to go back on his promise. We would have to wait until tribal council to see what Terry decided would be best.

At tribal council, Jeff really tried to push some questions about the immunity idol. He had mentioned something about it at the immunity challenge, and but wouldn't say if it had been found or not. Terry only told his tribemates that he had spent a lot of time looking for it. Nobody asked him if he had found it or not, so he decided not to tell them. I don't think it would matter either

The rest of the time at tribal council was used to further talk about Ruth Marie vs. Sally. Ruth Marie described her weaknesses as being too old and small in statue. No, that is not a misprint. Ruth Marie said statue, not stature. I think we all knew what she wanted to say, but it was funny nonetheless. I still wish we had a Judd, Bobby Jon, or Jamie around to talk incoherently, throw around bad logic, and mix metaphors, but I guess Ruth Marie will have to do. She did mention a couple of strengths including being steady and having loyalty. I don't know what being steady will do for her because she really has been steadily sucking at all the challenges, and as for loyalty she said that you could look her in the eyes and tell she was telling the truth. Well, no, actually thanks to that lazy eye of yours, it is sort of impossible to look you in both eyes at the same time, so how do we know that you are telling the truth?

After Al Roker's successful gastric bypass, Rob Reiner decided it was time for his own

As you have probably guessed, I am not really trying to add any suspense to the idea that Ruth Marie was going home. The rest of the tribe decided that it was more important to win challenges than worry about what was going to happen after the merge. Removing a strong player didn't help them last week, and they weren't going to make the same mistake again. Ruth Marie wasn't that interesting anyway, so I can't say that she will be missed.

It was hard to match last episode with all of the insanity of Shane and the excitement of the challenges. The challenges were close, but you just don't get a lot of good moments when they aren't battling head to head. Casaya seems to be working together well enough to survive, but it is such an unhappy alliance overall that I think somebody is going to blow. La Mina does have a problem because they will need to work hard to be able to make it to the merge with even numbers. There are a number of factions in Casaya, and I could imagine Aras and Bobby getting back together with Nick and Austin and Shane would probably join them if they all make it to the merge, but unfortunately, that rarely happens in Survivor.

What did you think of this episode? Should Casa de Charmin be used for wood? Will La Mina ever find food? Will the Fantastic Four of Casaya break up before or after the merge?

Posted by at 11:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (35)

The end is near. Tonight is the penultimate Dancing with the Stars episode, and what better way to get psyched (and I use that term loosely) than to relive all of last week's tears, joy, and Bublé. Yes, it was another stellar (READ: overly inflated) edition of cha chas and quick steps, but this time around, it was jam packed with all sorts of sweeps-tastic stunts and guest stars. Hulk Hogan popped up for no real reason, Nick Lachey clocked in some valuable face time, and Tom Bergeron hammed up the stage with one of the most regrettable ballroom dances of the season. One might say it was the perfect week. The only thing it was missing was Samantha Harris starting up a conga line.

Stacy & Tony

Kicking off the show were the dynamic duo that's favored to win this whole shebang: Stacy and Tony. Now, I don't know if he's been losing weight or if his hair's been growing out or what, but Tony's head has become more and more trapezoidal by the week. At this point, he's actually verging on triangle. This doesn't have much to do with anything -- just a general anthro-geomatrical observation. And yes, I just made up that term.

Anyway, seeing that this was the semi-finals, the producers raised the stakes on the dancers. They would now have to learn two dances each -- one ballroom, one Latin. Stacy would be doing the quickstep and the cha cha cha, but in order to hone her craft, she really needed to get into character. Hence, she announced her two alter-egos: the "elegant and refined Priscilla" for the quickstep and the "fiery, sexy Lola" for the cha cha cha. Personally, I have a hard time associating the word "Priscilla" with elegant and refined -- mostly because "Priscilla" makes me think of "Camilla," and that makes me think of both my hefty 6th grade art teacher as well as the little chicken that Gonzo adores so much. But that's just me.

Well, Stacy may be a great dancer, but when it came to getting into character, she was having some trouble. What to do? Why, call in world renowned actress Lisa Ann Walter! What's that you say? "Who's Lisa Ann Walter?" DUH! Lisa Ann Walter! Thespian extraordinaire! I mean, hello -- she was in Shall We Dance. And let's not forget her groundbreaking work as Sexy Feminist Executive in the latter day masterpiece, Farm Sluts. Yeah, now you remember her. Anyway, Lisa Ann dropped by to teach Stacy some acting lessons, but mostly, it was just a chance for us to gaze upon her surgically augmented bosom (not to mention her trampy little blouse). I guess the best way to describe her is a low-rent Bette Midler. Well, with fierce gusto that seemed to say "Why, hello, America!!" Lisa forced Stacy to switch between Priscilla and Lola at the drop of a dime -- something that pretty much translated into Stacy cocking her head to the left or right, depending on the character. A master class with Meryl Streep this was not.

The good news for Stacy was that the lessons must have worked because she executed a pretty solid quickstep. Bravo, Priscilla! I'm surprised Bruno didn't take the opportunity to make a forced analogy like "This was the adventures of Priscilla, queen of the dance floor!" or "You were the Priscilla Barnes to my John Ritter!" Nevertheless, he was still colorful, especially when Carrie Ann Inaba dared to say that Stacy needed to take more risks. "She's not doing a trapeze number! She's doing a dance!" Bruno yelled, coming out of his chair. Len was equally furious, barking, "You cannot do risks in a ballroom!" I haven't seen a British person this upset since the time Oasis almost broke up.

Anyway, Stacy headed backstage, but not before dodging some salacious jokes by perennial perv Tom Bergeron (he said something about Carrie Ann being the only one looking at Stacy's feet or something like that). Anyway, Samantha Harris intercepted the couple and asked, "This week, Tony, you did lose your temper. Stacy, how does it feel to have him talk to you like that?" Huh? What temper? Samantha, you confuse me so. Ultimately, Stacy pulled in straight nines, which meant all that bickering over Carrie Ann Inaba's statement was for naught.

Jerry & Anna

Up next were the odd couple of Jerry and Anna, and this week, our baby Stalin announced that she would be pushing her NFL star to the limit. To do this, she brought in two more experts. First, Anna called upon the help of Jonathan Roberts -- former partner to Giselle Fernandez and Rachel Hunter. And here's a shocker: Jonathan is Anna's husband. Huh? In all honesty, I thought he was gay. Also helping out was Anna's mom, Irina Trebunskaya, and man, this woman looked like the definition of battle ax. I would not be surprised to learn that Irina employs flogging as a daily ritual.

Anyway, with Anna's small ballroom army working extra hard on him, Jerry began to wear down. And what does a football champ do when he's reached rock bottom? Why, force out some lame football metaphors. You know, like saying it's like the fourth quarter of the Superbowl. Then again, he actually was in many Superbowls -- so I guess it wasn't really a metaphor. Damn you, Jerry, and your incorrigible champion spirit!

Well, Anna and Jerry eventually took the stage, performing a tango to, uh, "One Way or Another" by Blondie. Not necessarily the prototypical tango song. Not necessarily a tango song at all. And to make the entire moment even more bizarre, Jerry and Anna employed the liberal use of a broom throughout the dance. First they clutched onto it like a pole. Then they straddled it between themselves like some unlucky bystander crushed amidst a tango. Add to this a random temperance subplot involving Jerry pulling Anna away from a glass of wine, and the entire spectacle became a surreal disaster. Unsurprisingly, the judges were not happy. Bruno said he didn't like it, causing firecracker Anna to explain that they were trying to be like George Hamilton. Memo to Anna: George Hamilton was eliminated two weeks ago. You probably shouldn't use him as a model.

Still, Anna was getting fired up, and when Len complained "I didn't see a proper tango," she shot back: "Oh, it wasn't a proper tango. It was blondie for god sakes." Can't argue with her on that. And wouldn't want to either. I don't want Irina hunting me down and beating me with a wooden mallet.

Moments later, Len returned to his classic zinger form as he bashed Jerry Rice for having too many rises and falls in his tango. "Jerry Rice was Jerry Springer!" Z-Z-Z-ZING! Wow! Len Goodman does it again! I'm not sure if it was as good as "Jerry Rice? More like geriatric!" line, but I'll tell you this: Len is about a step away from appearing on Wild 'N Out.

Ultimately, Jerry earned two sevens and a six for a lowly score of twenty. This, of course, led to lots of angry boos, but backstage, it was all love from Samantha Harris. "I gotta say. Watching you out there made me happy!" she said. And at the end of the day, isn't it all about making Samantha happy?

Lisa & Louis

Next up were Lisa and Louis, who were feeling so stressed that they decided to fly to Lisa's hometown: Medford, Oregon. The two practiced at the Ginger Rogers Theater where Lisa marveled at how amazing it was that Ginger Rogers had danced on that very stage seventy-five years ago. Of course, the theater is also home to Tap Kids, so let's not get too carried away here.

Anyway, Lisa performed the fox trot pretty well; although, if you were to judge it by Harry Hamlin's jubilant cheering, you'd think she'd just been elected President. The judges all praised Lisa, with Bruno calling her "foxy" and Len describing her as "a treat." The only criticism came from Carrie Ann, who charged Lisa with having a DANGLING ARM!! Dunh dunh DUNH! Ultimately, Lisa earned strong scores of an eight and two nines for a total of twenty-six.

Backstage, Louis explained how annoying it was to be wearing so many clothes, which then led to the inevitable Tom Bergeron comment about Lisa Rinna wearing less clothes. Sadly for Tommy boy, he stuttered and stumbled through his joke, making the moment doubly awkward for everyone involved.

Drew & Cheryl

We must never forget that ABC is owned by Disney, and if we do, ABC will remind us. Yes, Drew and Cheryl headed down to Disneyland for a little corporate cross-promotional synergy. The duo took to a makeshift stage in front of the Magic Kingdom and danced for a massive crowd of people, all of whom chanted the awkward cheer: "Drew and Cher-yl!" (It sounded more awkward than it reads.)

Anyway, turns out Mickey Mouse et al. were the perfect muses for this power couple as they dazzled the crowd once again with their performance. And by the way -- what was the deal with Drew's face? It looked all red like a tomato. I blame the lighting, the Mystic Tan, and in some way, Samantha Harris. Don't know how or why she fits into the equation. She just does.

Well, everyone seemed to really enjoy Drew's dancing, especially big bro Nick, who we found clapping and sporting a puffy little 'fro. Len and Carrie gave Drewryl high marks, with Carrie saying, "I loved it!" But Bruno was a bit of a downer as he complained that Drew entered Paso Doble mode a few times. "Ignore him. He's Italian," Carrie Ann laughed. Ironically, that's the name of the next Rob Reiner romantic comedy. Except it'll have an exclamation at the end of Italian. And it'll star Roberto Benigni and Heather Graham. Wow, what a terrible fake movie I've concocted.

Anyway, Bruno's critiques seemed to totally deflate Drew and Cheryl, but they perked up when they received two nines and an eight, tying them with Lisa and Louis with twenty-six points. As for Samantha Harris, she executed her fourth interview in a row without a flub. Almost. Man, she was doing so well, and then, when she was wrapping up, she said, "You guys can go get danced. Go get danced! [awkward beat] Latin. Next. Go!" Okay, for those of you who didn't see the show, that sentence looks almost like an exercise in Dadaism. What happened was that she meant to say "changed" but said "danced" instead. Then she laughed at herself by saying "Go get danced!" But unfortunately, by this point, self-consciouness had set in, and this then led to a total syntactical breakdown, causing her to blurt out "Latin" and then "Next," eventually concluding with the hasty command, "Go!" It was one of Samantha's very worst (or shall I say, best) moments yet.

On to round two...

Stacy & Tony II: The Revenge of Lola

With these second dances, the producers thankfully didn't even bother airing another video clip. We just cut right to the action. Stacy and Tony performed their much-hyped cha cha cha, all to the oddly chosen tune of "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson. I thought Blondie was a bad choice for Jerry's tango, but this really was just awful music selection. And the poor singer. This song was just completely out of her range. She was reduced to simply caterwauling through portions of the song, thus attracted my neighborhood's feline population to my doorstep.

Nevertheless, Bruno absolutely loved the performance, saying, "That was a visual feast of a cha cha cha." Len, meanwhile, said "Sometimes your cha cha action for me was a little bit clipped." For some reason, that sentence sounded really dirty. Something about "cha cha action" and "clipped" seems vaguely vaginal.

As for Carrie Ann, she didn't understand why Stacy's face was so angry during the performance. The wrestler balked at this critique, saying that the song wasn't exactly a happy one. "Since U been gone / I can breathe for the first time. / I'm so moving on. / Yeah, yeah!" Sounds pretty happy to me.

Anyway, Stacy earned two nines and a ten (Bruno, natch), bringing her cumulative score up to fifty-five points out of sixty. Not bad. What you go, Drew?

The Return of Jerry and Anna

Before we could get to Drew, we needed to see Jerry's rumba, which promised to be all sorts of okay dancing -- possibly with a mop or feather duster. I personally was looking forward to Len's next zinger. I'm thinking, "Jerry Rice? More like Jerry Roni!" or "That was supposed to be the rumba, not the run-ba!"

Anyway, Jerry's rumba was much better than his tango (the lack of a broom was a plus), but still, compared to the other dancers, it just wasn't in the same league. "Nice attempt," Carrie Ann said patronizingly. Len, meanwhile, took the build-him-up and then take-him-down approach. "I admire you so much... against the others, you're the worst," he said. But wait! Jerry wasn't about to take this sitting down!

"Len, I totally disagree with you," he rebuked. (Cue the flag-waving, triumph of the spirit music now). "You know why? Because this is something totally out of what I do. And I come out, and I give it effort every day, every time I'm here. So I feel like I've won already." And with that, the crowd burst in uproarious applause. Hey Lisa, have fun with the popular vote this week. I'm sure those Team Rinna t-shirts are selling like hot cakes, right?

Backstage, Jerry continued his inspirational speech, telling Samantha "I had won already. If I don't go any further, you know, for my fans, for everybody that have supported us, I have won. I'm a winner. From football player to ballroom dancer. I'm a winner!" Well, except that if you're cut, you're actually a loser. But that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, stirring orations aside, Jerry's improved his score by only a point as he earned sevens across the board, taking his total to forty-one out of sixty.

Lisa and Louis: Reloaded

Next up to perform the... I don't remember actually. Cha cha cha, perhaps? Anyway, Lisa and Louis were next, and as promised, they were wearing less clothes. Louis, in particular, was wearing what I like to call "Giant Boner Pants." As in, "You could very easily see his giant boner." Bulges or not, the two danced up a storm to "Material Girl," and the judges ate it up. "By sheer determination, you nail these routines," Carrie Ann lauded. Ultimately, the duo pulled in all nines for a total of twenty-seven points and fifty-three total.

Of course, anyone watching the show could tell at this point that despite Lisa's contender scores, her lack of a Jerry Rice fan base was going to totally spell disaster for her. That's why Samantha asked Lisa how she'd feel if she were cut. "I will feel like my job's not done yet," she replied. And what exactly is her job, btw? Nevertheless, in a lame attempt to wrangle in some extra votes, she pandered to the housewife vote, saying that she wanted to "show all the women out there who are over forty, who have kids, that you can do anything you want in life. Look at me. I'm here to prove it!" Bad news Lisa: that didn't work for Tia, and it didn't work for Giselle. You're screwed, woman!

Drew & Cheryl 2: Electric Boogaloo

Let's face it. This season's been all about Drew versus Stacy. Well, so far, Drew had earned an unsightly eight tonight while Stacy had managed nothing but nines and a ten. Could Drew lay the smackdown on his competition? In short, yes. Dancing the rumba to "Total Eclipse of the Heart," Drewryl managed to win over the judges yet again. Well, for the most part. Bruno shouted, "Rocket man, BACK IN ORBIT!!!" (somebody get a taser. This guy seriously needs to be calmed down.) Carrie Ann glowed, "I thought that was so sexy and so passionate!"

As for Len, he had the most amusing and sexually suggestive comment as he complained, "It was too HARD! It was all [insert various Len grunts here]." Seriously, you haven't heard erotic until you've heard Len's guttural noises. Don't worry though. Len may have been nitpicking, but only a little bit. He still gave Drew a nine while the other two gave him tens, thus tying him with Stacy for a total of fifty-five points.

The Results

Another week, another extra-long results show. I had very little respect for this hour. Not just because Tom Bergeron performed an over-the-top quickstep, but because there was flagrant overuse of Michael Bublé. I am a firm believer that Michael Bublé should be thrown in a volcano with Wayne Brady, Danny Bonaduce, and Josh Groban. (Although, Wayne Brady's Dave Chappelle turn still remains so excellent, that he may be dropped from volcano status.) Nevertheless, any program that proudly showcases The Bublé (whose name is dangerously close to "Bubble." In fact, I bet that's what it originally was) is the product of Lucifer.

So let's just cut to the chase, shall we? The first couple to be safe was Drew and Cheryl. The second couple, however, was... Jerry and Anna! Oh, Lisa. You are crazy screwed. Unless she could pull off some monumental upset (unlikely), Lisa was going down in flames.

Sure enough, Team Rinna lost the battle this week and wound up eliminated. This of course led to many tears flowing, most of which, surprisingly, came from Louis. The two sadly took to the floor for one last dance, and to rub salt on the wounds one last time, the house band sang "Didn't We Almost Have It All?" I'm sure Lisa really appreciated that. I kind of felt bad for her. Yeah, she was fairly annoying, and yeah, her gigantic lips were a constant attract, but truth was that she seemed to really want the trophy. Like really really want it. Like, it would have filled some childhood void in her life. Alas, it was time for Cinderella to leave the ball.

Now it's down to Jerry, Stacy, and Drew tonight. I think Stacy might win, but then again, it's anyone's game, especially with Jerry's domination of the popular vote. Had Lisa been around tonight, she could have been a dark horse contender (maybe), but it should still be close. What do you think? Who's gonna win this thang?

Posted by at 3:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

I still have hope for Battlestar Galactica, but we are really on the verge of having to give these writers a little bit of an intervention. This show was good because it was different, and now it is really indistinguishable from any number of other programs out there. The writers try and make every episode seem profound and moving, but forget that every once and a while we are just looking for a little entertainment. It's been so long since we've had any hot robot sex, I have almost forgotten why the hell I got hooked on this shit in the first place. There was a time where I would take the ridicule of watching the SciFi channel and laugh that people were missing out on a good show. Now, I am sort of embarrassed that I have managed to stick around this long. Things have become so bad, I am starting to wonder if they should bring back Earth 2.

OK, maybe that Earth 2 comment is a little bit of an exaggeration, but there are some problems with BSG. I am pretty sure that I don't like any character that is on this show right now. I guess I kind of still like Sharon, because there is a whole resurrection ship full of her copies out there somewhere, and you can't complain about that. And how can I forget how great Gina looked in her glasses with the hair pulled back? But the humans? Forget about it! Say that Earth really is the location of the thirteen colonies. If these asswipes came right now, wouldn't you want to call the Cylons to get rid of them?

But let's not talk about the thirteenth colony, because the writers never do, and I guess there are a few certain logistics problems that they have to take care of. The show is called Battlestar Galactica, not Battlestar Galactica and Pegasus, so something is going to have to be done about this other boat. I don't think it is going to last the entire season, if only because the commanding officers are killed so often, we'll begin to run out of people in a few weeks. Although I do love how they call Pegasus the beast and refer to Galactica as the bucket. Quite fitting names, don't you think?

Currently, Admiral Adama has an engineer in charge of Pegasus, Commander Garner. Although they never showed this happen in previous episodes, they kind of wedged it in to the "Previously, on Battlestar Galactica" segment to start the show. The new Commander is having some problems with, take a guess, Starbuck. She had been sent to Pegasus to help with some training missions. Apparently, she is bucking authority and pissing off the commanding officer. It may not sound so shocking to us, but Admiral Adama decides to send his son to oversee things and make sure they are running smoothly.

Sluts

After he is finished having sex with Dee (I hope they both get herpes from one of the hookers Lee sleeps around with), Major Lee Adama heads over to Pegasus. That's right; Adama used to be a captain, but is now a major. He showed such great leadership in, uh, umm, getting shot, that I guess his father wanted to set an example. Apollo gets to Pegasus just in time to find out that two Raptors have been lost. Commander Garner blames Starbuck for running a shoddy training program; Starbuck blames Garner because he is paranoid and told the crew not to talk about problems on Pegasus to outside officers. Now that he is a Major, Lee has to show some leadership, so he gets everybody together and tells them to "think outside the box." Thinking outside the box has become so ordinary that if somebody says think outside the box, you are probably going to be firmly inside the box for quite a while, but the Pegasus crew, led by Starbuck, starts to brainstorm.

If that isn't gripping you enough, we also have some political intrigue. In another flashback to a scene we never actually saw before, Gina tells Gaius that he has to run for President in the upcoming election. That's right, there is an election. When Zarek was rattling the cages (and I say that literally since he was in jail at the time), she promised preliminary elections, with subsequent elections in one year. She was dying of cancer at the time, and without the Cylon fetal blood, she was never going to make it long enough to worry about such things.

Roslin, who has a new super assistant Tori, enjoys a very favorable rating. The military backs her, and all her salvation talk got the religious types from Gemnon behind her as well. She has guns, she has god, and that is all she needs. But like I said before, there is an alternative choice, and that is Dr. Baltar, who for some reason had turned the settings on the "British-ness" dial from Gwyneth Paltrow to Margaret Thatcher. Tom Zarek, who failed at his bid to take over the government, wants to work with Gaius. I am sure that he has dreams of running a puppet regime while Gaius is having daydreams of sex with Six. Zarek knows that Dr. Baltar will appeal to the people who crave science over religious fanaticism.

So it comes down to faith vs. science? So far, faith is kicking science's ass. The prophecies that Roslin believed may have been fanatical, but hey, we saw the results with our own eyes. I wouldn't mind trying a little more faith if I was the fleet. So if science is going to prevail, we are going to have a wedge issue to divide people somehow. Hmmm, I know, how about abortion!

In the early part of the episode the crew of Galactica found a stowaway. It was a pregnant girl who wanted an abortion. Abortion was legal in the colonies, so there is no reason why it shouldn't be legal now. In fact, Dr. Cottel has been performing a lot of them. He doesn't ask questions normally, but this girl is from Gemnon, where their religion says that abortion is forbidden. Roslin has always been about a woman's right to her body, but she can't lose the support of the Gemnon faction because of its importance to her campaign.

Personally, I am kind of disappointed that humans have figured out how to travel faster than the speed of light, but still haven't advanced birth control that much. OK, I guess if I learned the planet was being nuked, I would decide to leave before securing a couple years supply of the pill, but whatever the case, there is a bigger issue at stake here. The population of the fleet is slowly going down. People are going to need to have babies if they even want to sustain their current population. Is it wise to terminate any pregnancies when the survival of your race literally depends on that baby coming out with a push and not a suck? Maybe it's something to think about. Roslin decides to get some numbers from Gaius, who projects that humans will be extinct in 18 years at the current pace.

Commander Garner is determined to get his raptor pilots back, and time is running out. They will run out of air soon, and because there is so much interference with the electronics they just can’t radio back for help. The Pegasus catches a break and another Raptor team picks up on a distress signal. The problem with this is that there is a theory the first two Raptor teams were fooled by a distress signal. Major Adama tells that to Commander Garner, but Commander Garner knows that it was Starbuck who came up with that idea, and I guess he thinks she is trying to prevent him from rescuing some of his pilots so he'll look bad. Major Adama and Admiral Adama believe that it could be a trap (especially after Sharon told us last week the Cylons liked to set traps where the sensors have problems), and want to send a team of Raptors to investigate, but Garner wants to send Pegasus.

Since the Pegasus crew doesn't trust anybody from Galactica, Garner has no problem giving the order to have Pegasus jump to the location of the distress signal and even sends Lee to his quarters with a Marine escort. But soon, Garner has bigger problems on his hands. After they jump, they find the two downed Raptors, but there is nothing bud dead bodies inside. And not one, not two, but three Cylon basestars just jumped into the area, and almost immediately, they start dishing out the nukes. The Cylons must have been really happy to get some revenge on the humans for destroying the resurrection ship. The FTL engines are down on the Pegasus, meaning they can't just jump out of there, and they are just taking a pounding. I can just imagine some Cylon admiral on one of the basestars slamming on the button to fire the nukes and screaming "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK A STRANGER IN THE ASS. DO YOU SEE?! DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK A STRANGER IN THE ASS!?” but there won't be any fat Samoan guy running out of the Pegasus saying that they've got the wrong guy.

Like I said, Garner used to be the head engineer, and he is trying to give his boys instructions on how to get things running, but there is too much confusion. He has to get down there himself if anything is going to happen. By this time, Apollo had made it back to the commander center and since there are more important matters to attend to, and Apollo knows more about space battles than Garner, Major Adama takes control of the bridge. He is kind of freaked out at first, but he starts to find his groove. With Starbuck and the rest of the Vipers in support, they are able to take out one of the basestars, but they will still need a miracle in engineering if they are going to make it out alive.

Now, the rest of this sequence was almost painful to watch. OK, I guess I have been down on this show awhile, but was there anybody who was watching this who didn't realize that Garner was going to sacrifice himself to save the rest of his crew? And the way in which he did it, having to move into an engine compartment and turn the handles of some coolant valves, I thought I was in the middle of a Star Trek movie. As a friend of mine said, the only thing that was missing was Garner, fighting of the protests of the people who told him it would be too dangerous, calmly saying "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few." I remember the last time John Heard sacrificed himself for the good of mankind in that wonderful thriller Locusts, and it wasn't much more enjoyable the second time around.

With Garner's help, Pegasus is able to jump back to safety. Admiral Adama briefs his son on what happened, and for some reason, Lee is sort of defending Garner and his decision-making. I mean, you don't want to dishonor the dead, and I am sure that Starbuck was a little overzealous in her criticisms, but you should gloss over when somebody messed up that badly. Garner's problem? He was used to working with machines, and command is about people. And after hearing those words of wisdom, Admiral Adama keeps the nepotism going by making his son Commander of the Pegasus. I mean, he sort of deserved it because of how he got those people out of trouble, and maybe they will respect him for it, Apollo seems more and more like a spoiled kid every week. I guess he'll have some chances to prove himself wrong.

After leaning of his promotion, Starbuck sort of apologizes to Lee. They had been in a big argument when he said that he was sick of cleaning up her messes. She said she was sick of him kissing ass all the time and whining about how hard his life was with all of the hookers and the promotions. Then he said his life was really hard after he was shot, which really shuts Kara up, but I have to say, at least he doesn't have that mammoth scar that his father had after being shot. Kara was more than a bit jealous of Apollo and Dee, but she seemed happy. At least she got to go back to Galactica. She can let Lee deal with the idiots on the Pegasus from now on.

It was a tough decision for Roslin, but she decided that she must ban abortions throughout the fleet. Any person having an abortion or helping aid an abortion will be prosecuted. I guess that means that black market RU-486 is going to go at a premium now. Roslin made the decision because of a simple numbers game, but a lot of the fleet is not going to see it that way. It's going to look like she was pandering to her Gemnon friends to gain their support. I really don't want to get into this issue, but whatever you think about abortion on moral grounds, I think that banning abortion only for the reason of keeping the species alive is a bad idea. They have some time to try other methods of encouraging population growth, don't you think? Are they going to ban birth control next? Perhaps force women in the military in non-combat roles to have kids? You know who else was forcing humans to grow babies against their will? THE CYLONS!

Gaius gave Roslin the numbers, but he knows that this is the perfect time to make his run for the presidency. He understands that the decision was made in good faith, but he says that anytime you take away our liberties, you make us more like the Cylons. Quite ironic that he would be running on this platform considering he loves a Cylon, or really two Cylons if you count the one in his head. It was a riff on the old "Those that would give away liberty for the sake of security deserve neither liberty or security" that likes to get thrown around these days. Whatever the case, it looks like President Roslin has a new battle on her hands.

What did you think of this episode? Does Lee deserve Command of Pegasus? Is Gaius a threat to Roslin's election hopes? Are these idiots even worth saving anymore?

Posted by at 9:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (20)

Well I sure didn't see that coming. The previews made it look like this week's Grey's Anatomy would be essentially a throwaway, a fun little breather after all the drama of the Code Black fiasco. But NO—instead we had a big plot twist at the end that just made things about a hundred times more interesting. Needless to say, if you don't like spoilers, don't read this. (And incidentally, apologies for the late recap—my leprosy and rickets flared up.)

This week we open with yet another voiceover of Meredith saying there's a certain look, a certain smell that patients get when they know they're about to—not really, THANK GOD. Instead, we open with an equally appalling tableau of Cristina dancing in Burke's kitchen with her iPod blaring, her pants open, and a toothbrush in her mouth. Well at least it's not a toilet brush. As Cristina continues to go apeshit, Meredith's voiceover states that there's really no such thing as a grownup: people may move on and move away from home, but they never truly outgrow their childhood habits. As instant proof of this, Burke walks in and also starts dancing—"backing that ass up," as the youth apparently say these days—until they both burst out laughing.

We're plunged firmly back in grownupland when Burke answers Cristina's cell phone, and it's her landlord calling to say that there's a flood in her apartment—her other apartment. Oof. Cristina looks at Burke with embarrassment and quickly tries to back that ass up right out the door.

Meredith, meanwhile, visits her mother at the nursing home. Ellis says she's exhausted. Not because of a spirited game of Chutes and Ladders, mind you, but because she was "going at it all night in the on-call room." Eww, old-person sex. To Meredith's horror, Ellis goes on about how "he"—Dr. Webber, though Meredith still hasn't quite pieced this together—makes her "purr like a kitten" and that Mr. Grey knows all about this harlotry but doesn't have the balls to leave her. Instead, he plays stupid, ignoring even such obvious signs as hickeys on Ellis's neck and 11-inch vibrating dildos in her handbag. Meredith is so shocked that it even shows through the Botox, albeit only for a brief second.

Cristina arrives at the hospital complaining that Burke's acting like she committed a crime, like she's using her old apartment to stash stolen goods or do illegal organ transplants. Sweetie, the big growth industry these days is Christian book publishing—get with the program. Meredith counters with the classic "My mommy's a filthy whore," which she croaks out like Dorothy Zbornak. Cristina is unimpressed.

Elsewhere in the locker room, Izzie notes that Alex "has dirty in his eyes"; he notes the same of her. Hmm, I wonder whether they'll ENGAGE IN RELATIONS soon, since they apparently couldn't go TEN SECONDS without it last week. Izzie claims, however, that she's not doing dirty with Alex anymore—it was a one-time lapse in judgment. Alex quickly corrects her that it was a four-time lapse in judgment—oh you impossibly virile stallion you—but Izzie insists that they'll just remain friends. Whatever honeybuns, drop the chastity shit and just admit your taco stand is open for business.

This week's first patient has aggressive lung cancer that's unresponsive to chemo and radiation. His only remaining option is surgery, but it's risky and results in grim death about 75% of the time, sort of like repeat viewings of Bio-Dome. Burke offers to give the patient painkillers if he wants to pass on the surgery and simply let the cancer run its course, but the man insists on rolling the dice and letting Burke slash up his viscera. Sorry, I just wanted to use the word "viscera."

In the hallway, Dr. Bailey is back for a visit and showing off her baby, which elicits the debut of yet another, and perhaps the most horrific, entry in the Isobel Stevens Gallery of Batshit Voices—her mommy-gaga-talk-to-the-baby voice. No wonder her out-of-wedlock lovechild wanted to leave. Bailey says her husband is doing well post-surgery and can leave the hospital tomorrow, at which time he'll settle in nicely as her full-time child-rearing bitch. Bailey asks how things have been at SGH; Cristina responds that the O.R.s are functional but that there was some smoke damage to the corridors when the bomb went off. Charming, so I guess that's our cursory mention of the, you know, GIANT BOMB BLAST THAT WENT COMPLETELY UNDISCUSSED LAST WEEK.

The next patient is a 15-year-old with advanced craniodiaphyseal dysplasia (ooh I looked that one up), which mercifully is also known as lionitis. The disease causes calcium buildup in the skull, resulting in a grotesque facial appearance that makes the person look somewhat like a lion. Anyway, this unfortunate kid is suffering from headaches and nausea, which means the bony tumors might be encroaching on his brain. Cristina recoils a little at the kid's appearance, but he's good-natured about it and advises her to pretend he's a circus lion rather than a person, since that always makes it easier. Cristina loves role-playing, so she embraces the opportunity lustily.

Out in the hall, some random guy comes up to Meredith and immediately starts trying to pique her interest in his bony tumor. Their conversation elicits worried glances from both He- and She-Shepherd, who are watching nervously from different rooms. The stranger is just introducing himself to Meredith when He-Shepherd runs up out of nowhere and punches the guy in the face. It turns out the guy is Mark Sloan, He-Shepherd's ex-BFF who boinked She-Shepherd and set this whole sitcommy mess in motion in the first place.

As He-Shepherd ices his hand, Dr. Webber unloads on him for brawling in the hospital and, even worse, for threatening the delicate yet ruggedly masculine bone structure of his "two-million-dollar a year" hand. Webber demands an explanation, so She-Shepherd sheepishly (get it? GET IT?!?) recounts the story of how they all were once close friends until He-Shepherd found her and Sloan in bed together. This explanation satisfies Webber, which is a little quaint given his history of porking Ellis Grey fifty times a second in the supply room. He-Shepherd asks She-Shepherd what the hell Sloan is doing in Seattle; she has no idea.

Sloan continues to flirt with Meredith as she treats the cut on his face. He says he's heard all about her—she's "Derek's lusty intern"—and they bond over the fact that they're both the "dirty mistresses" in their respective fucked-up relationships. Sloan muses that when He-Shepherd walked in on him and She-Shepherd playing hide-the-hotdog, he merely turned and walked away—but when Sloan did so much as speak to Meredith, He-Shepherd punched him in the face. OH REALLY. Sloan then proceeds to stitch up his own face in the mirror—apparently he's like the Bob Vila of the Manhattan plastic surgery world.

The other interns are watching all this through a conveniently placed window, and Cristina and Izzie are severely in heat over Sloan’s self-suturing. Meredith says they need someone to take Sloan for an x-ray; Alex, never one to miss an ass-kissing opportunity, volunteers. Meredith tries to come up with a nickname for Sloan—McSexy? McYummy? No, they settle on McSteamy. Great, so together Sloan and He-Shepherd are McSTD. Something this hospital clearly needs more of.

George, jealous of Sloan and apparently still in third grade, whines to Izzie that he "saw Meredith first." Izzie ignores this completely and starts talking about how when you don't have sex for a while you sort of forget how good it is, but then once you start hauling down hymen highway again it all comes back to you real fast. Like a BEAST! A beast that was asleep! For a long time! But now it's is wide awake! And wants to be fed! And Alex gave the beast really good food! His footlong chicken Kiev! Straight from Mother Russia! MY GOD STOP WITH THE SEX METAPHORS, THIS IS WORSE THAN TROPIC OF CANCER.

Speaking of cancer, Meredith's lung cancer patient has a camcorder out and asks her to set it up for him so he can record goodbye messages to his loved ones. Aww. His first message is for his college sweetheart: the love of his life, whom he loved with all his heart and would never have left if she hadn't been THE VILEST WHORE TO EVER WALK THE PLANET EARTH. He goes into a rant about how much she deserves her drunken imbecile husband and ugly children. This guy is even better than Dr. Phil.

Alex has fully commenced Operation Brownnose with Dr. Sloan and is dropping cosmetic surgery jargon left and right. Sloan asks whether Alex is interested in plastics—insert subtle, pointless The Graduate reference HERE—and advises him that L.A. and New York are better plastic surgery markets, since Nicolette Sheridan hasn't been to Seattle in years. Alex asks whether Sloan has ever seen a patient with advanced lionitis; Sloan's twinkly little blepharoplastied eyes light up as he realizes this kid could represent the mother of all plastic surgery cases.

A new patient is brought in on a stretcher, apparently having seizures of some kind. Within minutes, the patient starts going into toe-curling orgasmic throes, leaving Izzie in heat and George just plain confused. So yep, turns out this silly ho is prone to spontaneous orgasms. She says she has these orgasmic "episodes" seven or eight times a day, which makes Izzie's light up like a Christmukkah tree.

Lung cancer guy, meanwhile, has made a whole stack of vitriolic goodbye videos and shows no sign of stopping. Meredith thinks he's being a little unduly self-pitying—oh, the IRONY—but the patient insists the videos are important since he's kept all this emotion bottled up his whole life and doesn't want to carry it to his grave.

Over at the MRI, Cristina has taken a liking to the lionitis kid and is showing some nice bedside manner, even flirting with him a bit. He says she has beautiful eyes under her surly, O-Ren Ishii exterior. Outside, Meredith asks Dr. Webber whether he remembers her father and why her father left her family. Hmm, maybe he had premonitions that his daughter would turn into a croaky, depressive nightmare and decided to head for the hills. Anyway, Webber certainly does remember her father but says he doesn't know why he left. LIES.

Afterward, He-Shepherd drags Sloan into Webber's office because he's pissed that Sloan is trying to get all up in his patient's leonine grill. There's a lot of shouting, which the interns try to decipher by reading lips through the window. In one particularly eloquent moment, He-Shepherd appears to call Sloan a "crackwhore." This rhetorical appeal proves ineffective, as Dr. Webber sides with Sloan that they should allow the lionitis patient to undergo cosmetic surgery as long as his parents approve.

Sloan and She-Shepherd run into each other in the hallway; she tells him to go home, but he says he misses her and wants to come back to New York with him. She-Shepherd replies that she's in love with her husband, but Sloan tells her flat-out that the love isn't mutual, honeybuns. He-Shepherd doesn't even try to hide the fact that he loves Meredith instead—and why would she want to cling to a situation like that? Hmm, maybe this guy should replace Dr. Phil.

In the ever-popular SGH quasi-outdoor cafeteria, the interns talk about the orgasm queen, with Cristina and Izzie wishing that the patient's disorder were contagious. George is really nervous during lunch and keeps telling Meredith that she looks nice, but she ignores him entirely in favor of her imaginary sandwich from the Anorexics Anonymous snack stand. Afterward, George complains to Izzie that Meredith never notices him—WE GET IT GEORGE—and Izzie tells him to just say something to Meredith outright if it's really bothering him that much.

The lionitis patient's parents approve Sloan's cosmetic surgery plan but later have second thoughts due to the surgery's risk, which He-Shepherd tries to play up. Sloan argues that it's even riskier to put the kid through two surgeries when one operation could accomplish everything. The kid himself interrupts to say he really wants the operation. Reluctantly they give the go-ahead.

Izzie asks the orgasmatronic patient whether it would really be so bad if they couldn't fix her "problem." The woman says she likes sex and all but could really do without the orgasms popping up at inconvenient times, such as behind the wheel of a car, during church, or while holding an unexploded bazooka shell steady in a patient's chest.

In Burke's O.R., he and Meredith are working on the bitter lung cancer patient. Meredith tells Burke about the patient's videotapes and says she'd rather not mail them because the patient wasn't in his right mind when he recorded them. Burke says the issue isn't hers to decide. He then asks whether Meredith knew that Cristina was still keeping her old apartment. Meredith fesses up and apologizes.

In He-Shepherd's O.R., they're working on the kid with lionitis. Dr. Bailey, watching through the window, provides color commentary in her baby gaga voice—"Dr. Shepherd is opening the skull cap, yes he is!" Suddenly, the kid starts flatlining and losing a lot of blood. Within a minute, he dies, leaving Cristina shaken. Afterward, what do Alex and Cristina do? They run to Dr. Sloan to ask if they can perform the cosmetic surgery POSTHUMOUSLY, of course. I'm no hospital administrator, but this seems reaaaaallly unlikely, not to mention creepy as shit. Nonetheless, the parents approve, so Sloan et al get to work.

The lung cancer patient's surgery was, against the odds, a success. Meredith asks whether he wants her to throw away his hate-mail videotapes, but he says to send them anyway. Outside, George interrupts Meredith, who's looking furiously for something in the phone book, to say he wants to take her out for a drink tonight because he has something important to say. She ignores him with shocking thoroughness—I mean really, like the same way Saddam ignores courtroom decorum. After finding what she wants in the phone book, Meredith tells George cryptically that she doesn't want to make videotapes on her deathbed, and then runs off.

That night, Meredith pulls up at someone's house and knocks on the door. The house turns out to belong to her father, who's a tentative, moon-faced guy and clearly the love child of James Spader and William Shatner. Meredith grills her father about her mother's affair and asks why he didn't stay and fight for the kids a little more. He claims he tried, but it's totally unconvincing since this guy is just a stammering idiot. Finally, Mr. Grey asks uncomfortably whether there's anything Meredith needs. She looks disappointed, says no, and then leaves.

Back at the hospital, Sloan and both Shepherds COINCIDENTALLY end up in an elevator together. He-Shepherd flees to take the stairs, saying he hasn't forgiven his wife yet and feels no real obligation to forgive Sloan at all. Alone with She-Shepherd in the elevator, Sloan tells her it's obvious the marriage is over—all she has to do is admit it and then she can come back to New York with him. Sloan tells her he's going to the bar across the street and she should meet him there. Ooh DEJA VU.

The lionitis boy's parents see his body with his newly pretty—and magically healed!—face and say he looks peaceful. Frankly, the boy now looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger circa 1980, which isn't necessarily an improvement. The parents seem to be handling things pretty well; in fact it's Cristina who gets the most emotional during this scene, since this patient has really gotten through to her somehow.

Back at the apartment, Cristina is on the couch eating Chinese food. Burke gets home and launches into an impressive soliloquy, saying that he is PRESTON BURKE, a SURGEON, a WIDELY RENOWNED cardiothoracic surgeon, a PROFESSIONAL, a GOOD AND KIND PERSON who even CLEANS UP AFTER HIMSELF and COOKS GOURMET MEALS! He says that Cristina is a SLOB, a mere INTERN, the most competitive, guarded, stubborn, CHALLENGING person he's ever met—and he LOVES HER! WHAT THE F*&K IS THE MATTER WITH HER THAT SHE CAN'T ALLOW HIM TO. Ha this scene is great—Burke gets cooler every week. Cristina says, uh, well she gave up her apartment twenty minutes ago, what the hell else does he want, her GODDAMN OVARIES? Burke seems surprised and satisfied with this. Romantically, he opts to forgo a passionate embrace with Cristina in favor of a well-timed trip to the bathroom.

At the hospital, orgasm girl is prepped for her magic orgasm-reduction surgery—whatever that entails, since they never explained it. She asks Izzie whether she'll still be able to have "episodes" when when she wants to. Izzie replies conspiratorially that, even better, she'll be able to have orgasms. Oh so THAT'S what they meant by "episodes." Afterward, George complains yet again to Izzie that Meredith doesn't even hear him when he talks. Izzie says that Meredith will listen if he makes her. Great, so now she's advocating SEXUAL ASSAULT. Very Jesus-like. Izzie admits that she and Alex just "fed the beast" twice, and since Alex is waiting to take her home we can expect them to do the waterbed waltz about 8,000 more times before next week's episode. Frankly, I hope Izzie goes frigid soon because I'm running out of sex slang.

At the nursing home, Dr. Webber tells Ellis Grey that Meredith came to see him today and that she seems to suspect something about their affair. Ellis says Webber's being silly—Meredith is only five years old. Ah, dementia. At the watering hole across the street from the hospital, Meredith is parked up at the bar, having just pounded her usual order—equal parts sour mix and angostura bitters in a pint glass. Sloan comes in and sits next to her, observing that she looks sad. Meredith says she just saw her father for the first time in twenty years and it could've gone better. Sloan says he's waiting for She-Shepherd to show up; Meredith says she won't show, since el Doctor McSueños isn't the kind of guy a woman would leave voluntarily. Sure enough, at the Shepherds' trailer-o-misery, He-Shepherd lies in bed while She-Shepherd sits in the other room, tea in hand and poetic tear in eye.

Then we have the episode's big shocker. As Meredith is immersed in moonlit misery at her window, there's a knock at her door. It's George, who launches into his long-practiced infomercial: he says he may not be a world-renowned surgeon, or even remotely her type, but he'd never leave or hurt her and never stop loving her. Meredith says nothing, and I begin to wonder whether maybe the Botox has paralyzed her vocal cords as well, when the crazy ho GRABS GEORGE AND STARTS PULLING OFF HIS SHIRT. There's a lot of mutual flesh-kneading, and though the episode fades to black before the fact, there's not much doubt what happens.

In the previews for next week, George tells seemingly everyone in the hospital that he and Meredith had sex—but then Meredith realizes she's made a mistake in a moment of weakness and looks poised to slam on the brakes. I think this was a really smart little twist—and combined with Sloan's appearance it instantly makes the love triangle a LOVE PENTAGON! The Meredith-Derek story was starting to get stale, but now there are a lot of new avenues—I'm curious especially to see how any George-He-Shepherd tension might manifest itself. And for the Izzie camp, it looks like her old Nicolas Downey Jr. heart patient will be back.

And finally, though there's been a lot of Meredith-bashing on here recently (including plenty from yours truly), I have to say that I think it's pretty ballsy for a show to stick with a prickly protagonist for so long, and impressive that they're able to maintain interest in her. We were veering into dangerous unlikability the last few episodes, but this week the old bag showed a little more life. And for someone whose mom is a batty ex-hooker and dad is a whinging pansy, she didn't turn out half bad.

Posted by at 7:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (39)

Here’s an episode of House that talks about sex, but sadly Cuddy isn’t really involved. It’s about a 15-year-old model who’s getting sick, and we all know it’s especially sad when someone hot dies, so everyone tries their darndest to save her. If the big secret is that she’s a hermaphrodite or something, I’m gonna kick someone.

We open on a fashion show. Sex! Glamour! Energy! It’s all very exciting. Backstage, a blonde girl is complaining that she feels ill, but perks up a bit when the designer tells her that if she does well tonight, she’ll be “bride” in the next show. Now, I am extremely knowledgeable about such things, so I can tell you that most couture shows end with the designer’s bridal gown, so it’s a pretty big deal for a model to be the one to wear it. It looks like the girl’s manager/father is more excited than she is, though. What a sleaze. I can tell he’s a sleaze because he’s drinking Champagne. Man drinking non-celebratory Champagne on TV = big scuzzball.

Dad gives his daughter Alex some Valium to calm her down, which she washes down with booze. She heads out onto the runway but gets dizzy on her way back, and when another model has the temerity to ask if she’s okay, Alex smacks the hell out of her. Awesome! Before it can escalate into an all-out catfight, Alex passes out.

Next, it’s morning at House’s place (9:19! He gets to sleep in!). His leg is clearly bothering him a lot more than usual. I suppose we’re meant to feel sorry for him now so that we can like him again after the last episode. Fine, I’ll bite. When he shows up at the hospital without a helmet, the love of his life Wilson instantly figures out that House’s leg is in a bad way. Wilson wants House to go into physical therapy, and we learn that House has never completed even one session. Oh, that lovable old curmudgeon! Cuddy cuts short all this House talk when she walks by and announces all House needs to hear: “Teenage supermodel!” House walks into Alex’s room and instantly starts in with the inappropriate flirting. He’s acting like he’s never seen a woman before. Is she really that hot? Fellas? Care to comment?

Father and daughter are both pretty forthcoming about the situation, with the dad owning up to giving her a Valium and Alex seeming to be pretty reasonable about outlining her symptoms. As House leaves the room, he comes across Cameron, who’s lurking about in the hallway already worked up about House finding another girl attractive. She accuses House of being a dirty old man, but seriously? All he’s done is asked Alex about her symptoms. I see they’re moving Cameron back into her role as (cue Strong Bad voice) “The Annoying One!”

House makes a pretty good point about how Alex is “held up as the sexual ideal,” being on the cover of magazines and such, but no one’s allowed to touch her for three more years, and isn’t that hypocritical? It is, not that grown men should be allowed to sleep with nubile young teens, because then how would I ever get laid?

Alex’s tox screen shows the Valium, and it also shows heroin. Shock! Cameron, Chase, and House are all acting like total assholes. Cameron’s convinced that Alex can’t be an addict, because she’s “only 15.” I still don’t believe that an actual doctor could possibly be as naïve as Cameron. House is still going off about Alex’s perfect body, while Chase bets him that her boobies are fake…because they’re bigger than they used to be. She’s 15, of course they’re bigger than they used to be. Dumbass. As House mocks Cameron for being such a Pollyanna, he just about bites it when his leg starts to hurt again. This makes him just a little cranky, and he decides that Alex has to go into a speedy detox program that’s very dangerous, but will cure Alex’s addiction overnight.

Foreman tells Alex’s father that they need to do this because the heroin withdrawal might be hiding other symptoms. Alex is in the throes of withdrawal, and she’s in a very bad way, sweating and saying that everything hurts. Chase and Foreman promise her that she’ll feel better when she wakes up. And then a few hours later she has a heart attack. Bummer. And her dad’s a trifle annoyed.

I kind of forgot all about the clinic, and now House is back to abusing urgent-care patients. This one is having a sympathy pregnancy. I guess his hormones must be out of whack. Hmmm, HIS HORMONES. WEIRD. OK, back to Alex. As she comes out of her coma, she does a little flirting with Chase and then groveling to her dad. And then she does a little flirting with Chase and then groveling to her dad. What? Oh, short term memory loss.

Foreman thinks the memory loss came from the heart attack, but House doesn’t think anything physical is wrong with Alex at all. He has decided that she has PTSD from sexual abuse at the hands of her father. He also says he can’t really blame him, but I sort of feel like House said that purely for effect. Back to the clinic, where Cuddy is force into clinic duty because House hasn’t shown up. The sympathy pregnancy guy is back, and has grown quite the rack. Nice jumblies, dude!

Upstairs, Foreman chastises House for letting his pain get in the way of making good decisions. House appears contrite, but then he shouts across the crowded room at Alex’s dad: “are you doing your daughter?” Oh, House. In another part of the hospital, Alex has started getting twitchy, so they can’t do an MRI. Her dad’s a little twitchy too, but getting called out for screwing your own daughter will do that to a guy. House promises him doctor-patient confidentiality, and says he gets it. “That heart-shaped ass, those perfect, perky breasts…” The dad gets all angry here, until House reminds him that actually, he was the first one to describe Alex thusly. This is where, for some reason, I start thinking about the Jessica Simpson. And Papa Joe. Oh, Papa Joe, with your verbal diarrhea about Jessica’s titties.

House insists that the dad can prove he loves Alex by admitting he slept with her, because then House can diagnose a mental problem and treat Alex accordingly. So, Papa Joe caves and admits to “one time.” Ugh, that’s awful. House reports back to the Outhouses, but they’ve already diagnosed her with something else. So I guess getting humped by dad is just the icing?

Cameron is already on the moral high ground rampage, insisting that they call Child Protective Services. Everyone else is still trying to figure out how to cure Alex, and House is getting ever grumpier. He screams at Cameron and orders a brain biopsy on Alex. The guys don’t really seem to care about the child molesting, probably because Cameron is worked up enough for everybody. And while I can see where she’s coming from, I feel like her impulse to call CPS is not so much to do right by the child, but to tattle on the dad. Anyone else feel that way?

Alex’s dad doesn’t think Alex needs to know the details about the brain biopsy, but he’s sort of played his hand already with these doctors. “I think she should have a say in what happens to her body,” says Foreman. Oh, Papa Joe got told. Alex is mostly concerned about having to shave her head, but it’s in an overwhelmed sort of way, rather than vanity. So off they go to drill in her brain. Ew! That’s like a catchphrase for watching this show.

House is indisposed at the moment, since he’s undergoing an MRI administered by Wilson. Wilson comes over the intercom pretending to be god, and he and House do a great bit about rescheduling for Thursday. Aw, they’re actually having fun together! House is laughing without sarcasm for the first time ever, at least that I remember. House says god will have to check his schedule with Cameron, to which Wilson replies, “Oh, dammit, she always wants to know why bad things happen.” I LOVE Funny Wilson.

Cuddy comes in and ruins all their fun (just like a woman, am I right?). Wilson says nothing came back from the MRI, so House smacks him in the leg with his cane. What a baby. Back in the control room, we see that House is squeezing his medicine ball in pain, though he’s hiding it from the Outhouses. Cameron is just worried that she’s in trouble, anyway. Such a sniveling little twerp.

Something science-y happens while I’m hating on Cameron, and House goes into Alex’s room and pinches off her IV. She stops twitching, and while this makes Alex and Papa Joe happy, House delivers the sad news that this probably means she has cancer. This episode is all about House, though, so we quickly go to Cuddy’s office, where House asks her to give him a shot of morphine in the spine. He doesn’t want to ask the Outhouses because he doesn’t want them to know he’s in pain, and Wilson won’t do it because he thinks it’s all in House’s head. Cuddy agrees with Wilson, until House pulls down his pants and shows her his scars. It’s also the first time we’ve scene it, and y’all, it’s pretty gnarly. And hate to say it, but this must mean that they’re not actually sleeping together, otherwise Cuddy wouldn’t be shocked by how bad it is. She agrees to get him the morphine.

We get a montage of tests being performed on Alex, and Wilson’s convinced she doesn’t have cancer, but House doesn’t want to give it up. House runs through all the organs, including the ovaries. “No mass; if anything, they’re undersized,” says Wilson. HUH, HOW ABOUT THAT.

Since it must be in her head, according to the doctors, House orders that they replace Alex’s IV with saline. While they wait for that to kick in, a social worker shows up to talk to Alex and Papa Joe. Cameron waits outside and gets all excited when the social worker comes back. This social worker is totally fed up with Cameron, and I have to agree. What exactly did Cameron think was going to happen? That they’d both admit to it? Gah, Cameron is so stupid. The social worker gives her a condescending “I’m sure you meant well,” then leaves.

Cameron thinks she can get the girl to talk, I guess, because she goes into Alex’s room as Chase and Foreman look on. Alex does admit it, but claims she got Papa Joe drunk and seduced him, in a very calculated move to get him to let her do whatever she wants. She also slept with a photographer, her tutor, and her financial manager. It’s her thing. She does it to get her way. Cameron keeps claiming it’s wrong, but Alex asks if Cameron has never hit on her boss. Ha! She’s got Cameron’s number. “I am not that smart,” says Alex. “I am that beautiful.”

With that, Alex starts twitching again. House is off seeing to the sympathy pregnancy guy and his wife, who’s now in labor. House says the guys just has a ton of estrogen….yeah, now the wheels are spinning. He goes and asks Cameron about Alex’s vaginal exam, and schedules an MRI. House and Cameron spot what they’re looking for, and it’s not exactly a tumor. It’s testicles, and Alex has male pseudo-hermaphroditism.

Yeah. Estrogen. Supermodels. Boy parts. This was too easy. Also, it sucks for them that Grey’s Anatomy just did this plotline a few weeks ago. And, this very phenomenon is explained in Middlesex, which is an awesome book that many people have read that talks about how lots of models have this, because it gives you a perfect female figure.

As House explains her condition, we see a CGI fetus developing. Cool! Papa Joe is pretty upset, but I think it might be because he slept with a boy. Alex flips out and takes off her gown to prove that she’s a girl, but hey! That’s science!

That’s all over with, and House goes back to Cuddy asking for another shot. She agrees to give him another shot, but clarifies that it was saline. I love Cuddy so much, y’all don’t even know. She has usurped the master. The show ends with House playing the piano and taking Valium. And I think he’s finally figuring out that something has to change. What do you all think?

Posted by Kat at 9:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

This week's episode of The Bachelor had it all: good, bad and ugly. The good? It was a rare one-hour episode. The bad? It was a "reunion" show. The ugly? The behavior of the dumped ho-pefuls. Plus, is it just me, or is the whole idea of having a reunion show before the show is actually over more than a little weird? Can you imagine The Probst hosting a reunion before he tallied the votes for the final time? I believe he'd kick Mark Burnett squarely in the jimmies before agreeing to do something as stupid as that.

Unfortunately, Host Chris Harrison is no Jeff Probst. Hell, he's not even a Paige Davis. So of course he got right to it, telling us this is the most talked about season…ever. And tonight will be the most he's talked in an episode… ever. Lucky us. Next, he reintroduces us to the bevy of bounced B'ettes. All of them wave to the camera with their right hand, except SaraH-eh?, who uses her left. I told you Canadians were weird. Although, knowing her, it's probably because she was holding a blunt in her right.

Next, Host Chris Harrison asks some of the women for their first impressions of Dr. Travis Stork. Jen says he was chiseled and made out of stone. But enough about his personality. Remember that, because it's the last nice thing you'll hear Jen say for the next 50 minutes. Either Jen's riding the "cranky hanky" (my wife's words, not mine), or she's just a camera-hogging biatch. My money's on the latter.

Since Susan was the last ho-peful cut, she gets the first visit to the Hot Seat. The interview goes something like this:
Host Chris Harrison: "Everyone seems to be questioning everything about you. So, were you acting?"
Susan: "Of course not. I can't believe you would even ask me something like that. Although if I were, how would you rate my performance?"
HCR: "Even your mom said she thought you were acting. How did that make you feel?"
Susan: "Hold on a second." (Mutters to herself) "Think about dead puppies, think about dead puppies…" (To HCR) "How did it make me feel? Sad. Very sad. Can't you tell by my very real and authentic tears of sadness?"
HCR: "So, everything you said you felt about Travis, that was all real? You weren't acting?"
Susan: "Of course I wasn't acting. I really, really was falling in… Oh shit… Line? Wait, can we do that take again?"

During Susan's speech, there are audible giggles from the crowd. It's actually pretty funny. Host Chris Harrison opens the floor to questions, and then the real hilarity gets to ensuing. Someone (I'm not sure who) asks Susan if she though this would be a vehicle to get where she needed to be. Susan tells her whatever vehicle gets her to professional happiness, that's what she wants. Ironically, those are the same vows Tom Cruise plans on using at his upcoming nuptials. Two anonymous B'ettes try to come to Susan's defense.
Anonymous B'ette 1: "This is horrible. I don't even know you that well…"
Jen: (Interrupting) "That's why you can't say that much."
Anonymous B'ette 2: "You should show Susan some respect."
Jen: "Don't say anything to me. I don't even know your name."

At that, Host Chris Harrison jumps in and tells the "guys" to stop it. He then turns to Susan and asks why is she crying? What a stupid question. Didn't he hear her talking about the dead puppies?

Next in the Hot Seat is SaraH-eh? Before the questioning starts, we're treated to a montage of her time in the house, which seems to consist of drinking, squeaking and being insanely jealous. This recap really didn't make her look good. Except for the shot of her squeezing her boobs together and talking to them. That looked pretty good. Jen jumps right in and starts ragging on SaraH-eh? for being immature. Her proof? She was playing with her marshmallows on their camping trip. Yeah, and calling someone immature on national TV for playing with their marshmallows is the height of maturity, Jen.

Speaking of Jenjen, we get some more footage of the camping trip where she was cut, the highlight of which is her crying to the camera: "I whittled my stick and I burned two hot dogs and I broke the stick and I burned three marshmallows and I had bugs running around in the tent and I hated that… I don't know what else I could've done." Uhm, maybe not burn your food, not break your stick and not bitch about the bugs? Although technically, that would be doing less, so maybe you're right…

After the break, Host Chris Harrison says it's time for the "Crash and Burn" segment of the show, and invites Kristen up to the Hot Seat. If you remember, Kristen was cut after she made some "teef" from an orange peel. Via a recap reel, we learn that DrunkTara actually put her up to it. Maybe we should change her name to DeviousTara. We also learn that none of the B'ettes thought Kristen was a good match for Travis. DeviousTara says there's no way she could see the two of them together. But that's only because she was so drunk she saw four of them. So much for being devious.

Dr. Ali G, she of the rotting eggs and stanky cooter, would be next in the Hot Seat, except she declined an invitation to the show. Evidently, she's too busy trying to get knocked up. But her absence certainly won't stop Host Chris Harrison and the ho-pefuls from talking about her. During a brief recap of her appearance on the show, we learn her trip to Paris was costing Dr. Ali G some big money: $1500 dollars a day, to be exact. I'm certainly no expert, but I bet a woman could buy a of lot jiz with $1500. I'm just sayin'…

Up next, it's the Amazing Dr. Stork! He gets tons of applause from the audience. Host Chris Harrison says it sounds like they could do a whole hour of catcalls. Evidently, Host Chris Harrison doesn't realize catcalls are bad. Of course, Travis starts his segment by saying "hello to all you guys". Good to see some things never change. While he defends Susan, he doesn't call her "amazing" so she knows there's no future between them. SaraH-eh? asks him what happened to their chemistry. He says it basically disappeared after she got so drunk on their camping trip she forgot about climbing into a tree. Maybe it's just me, but I think I'd want my date to get that drunk on a camping trip. It's all about plausible deniability. He tells Kristen that while they're not a good match, he has a friend who absolutely loves her. Unfortunately, this is his friend. Finally, Host Chris Harrison tries to get Travis to talk about Dr. McRottenEggs. Travis declines, and says they should just let it go. Overall, I think Travis made a pretty good impression during this segment. In fact, it's probably the best he's come across this entire season. That's not really saying much, I know, but still.

Hey, it's time for the reunion show blooper reel! And this is without a doubt the best five minutes of the entire show. Some of the highlights include shots of SaraH-eh? and Kristen complaining about their b.o., PlainSaraH doing some sort of tongue gymnastics, lots of burps, some really horrid dancing, SaraH-eh's boob popping out, Travis and Moanica falling off their jet ski, PlainSaraH thanking Travis for giving her his piece of meat, and my favorite quote of the night, supplied by DrunkTara: "I don't really know much. But I can drink."

Finally, Host Chris Harrison asks the girls what they think of Moanica and PlainSaraH. Most of them bad-mouth Moanica, which is no surprise. Especially after seeing footage of Moanica saying she's uncomfortable being lumped in with "24 other hussies competing for one guy." What is surprising, however, is that Host Chris Harrison says the viewers are all rooting for Moanica. What does he base this on? I'm a viewer, and I loathe Moanica. Wait, did I say everyone hates her? What was I smoking? Because suddenly the tide turns, and everyone starts sticking up for her. Evidently, now that they've seen the show, they've changed their minds about what a "manipulative, unstable bitch" she is. I'd like to know what show were they watching. Because unless they've seen some secret footage that we're not privy too, everything this season has made her look bad. Susan admits she didn't like Moanica because she was jealous of her. Jen goes so far as to say that as she sits there right now, she loves Moanica. Of course, you know she only said that because she knew it would get her on camera. I tell ya, this chick is only one missed car payment from a Playboy spread.

PlainSaraH's recap is filled with smiling faces and huggy-hugs. Boring. At least Moanica got some tongue. Although if Travis saw the earlier footage of PlainSaraH's tongue-twisting prowess, he might want to reconsider those sisterly pecks.

Next week is the season finale. And, of course, it's a two-hour episode. Which of the guys do you think Travis will pick? And will he make the most amazing proposal ever?

Posted by at 1:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (21)

To tell you the truth, I hope that I didn't have to remind anybody that the sixth and possibly final season of The Sopranos is starting next month (Check local listings). The Sopranos is one of the best showcases for original series on premium cable. Although it has never had to go up against the juggernaut that is Desperate Housewives it has always enjoyed one of the most loyal followings of any program on television. I could gush on and on about the writing, the directing, the acting, and the special guests, but by now you already know whether you love this show or not. Whatever the case may be, we're having another giveaway to give out some free Sopranos stuff. I know, TVgasm having a giveaway, it's hard to imagine.

The Sopranos premieres Sunday March 12 9PM EST, so if you aren't into Cheerleader Nation, this might be more your speed. To enter the Sopranos giveaway, e-mail contests@tvgasm.com with the subject Sopranos Season 6. In the body of the message, make sure you mention your favorite whacking on the Sopranos. If you don't know the context of the term "whack" when we talk about the Sopranos, well, maybe you should ask somebody. Personally, I like Ralphie and his head in the bowling ball bag. First place is a DVD Box Set of Season 5, along with the new Season 6 poster. Second, third, and fourth place winners will all receive the Season 6 poster. All entries must be received by Friday, March 10 and the winners will be chosen by random. As you know, you can only enter this contest once, and the winner must live in the United States or Canada.

And don't forget, there's still time to enter the Monk, Cheerleader Nation, and Amazing Race giveaways as well.

Posted by at 8:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

• The war of words between Donald Trump and Martha Stewart has escalated to Muhammad-cartoon levels. I'll just let Trump's letter to Martha speak for itself: "Your performance was terrible in that the show lacked mood, temperament and just about everything a show needs for success. ... Between your daughter, with her one-word statements, your letter writing and, most importantly, your totally unconvincing demeanor, it never had a chance—much as your daytime show is not exactly setting records. ... P.S. Be careful or I will do a syndicated daytime show, perhaps called The Boardroom, and further destroy the meager ratings you already have." [CNN]
• Angry James Bond fans have threatened to boycott the upcoming film due to dissatisfaction with the casting of Daniel Craig. In particular, they cite his "pale, flattened face and large, fleshy ears." If I might, I'd like to add "beady, recessed eyes," "appalling crow's feet," and "limp, unexciting hair." [BBC]
• And don't call Lindsay Lohan a "teen queen" OR SHE WILL CUT YOU. [AP]

Posted by at 7:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

So the other night I came across an informercial for the Little Giant Ladder System. I was immediately drawn in. After all, the spot did feature the one and only Richard Karn, star of Home Improvement, Family Feud, and Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch. As I listened to the various actors repeat the words "Little Giant" over and over again, I got to thinking. What if "Little Giant" was merely a euphemism for "penis"? Suddenly, the informercial became a lot funnier. See for yourself...

Posted by at 5:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)

If anybody told you that they saved nearly a thousand people, including many children (with balloons!), you would probably say job well done. Then again, your world probably doesn't have a bunch of terrorists trying to kill Americans with top secret nerve gas. That's the world that everybody at CTU and the rest of 24 live with each day. President Logan and Lynn McGill were willing to give up an entire mall of people in order to get their hands on the location of nineteen other canisters, but there were some sane people that thought it might not be such a great idea. Whatever the case, all of that is in the past, and now everybody is forced to start from scratch.

By the way, when I said everybody was forced to start from scratch, I did mean everybody, including the terrorists. Apparently, there was a large faction among the terrorists that still wanted to punish Russia, and thought that all of this business with the United States was a bad idea. And since Yellow Tie has been running the shots, Yellow Tie should be the guy who dies. Seems only fair, don't you think? We have a new guy running the show, and although I am not positive, I am pretty sure that I saw him in the finals of that hit show "Being Jeremy Irons". It may sound boring, but they love it on the Beeb. You may think it's strange that these guys decided on some British dude to help them get back at the Russians, until you realize that people with British accents are always good at this sort of thing. I mean, Jack will eventually get to them, but just ask Saunders and Marwan just how far a British accent can get you when you are trying to run an efficient terrorist scheme in and around Los Angeles.

Fake Jeremy Irons has one thing on his mind, and that is getting to Nathanson, who we discovered was the mastermind who worked with Walt Cummings to double cross the Russian rebels by planting the nerve gas with detonators that only he could control. Unfortunately, Nathanson has already bolted his plasma screen dungeon and the only person still there is the poor tech guy who applied for the job thinking it would be cool with all of the computers and technology. If you flunked out of the CTU summer program (which sounds impossible because we know Kim made it through to junior tech), this is probably a pretty good gig.

Poor kid, he probably should have been smart enough to leave when his boss did instead of sitting around running the virus check, because when Fake Jeremy Irons sends a guy over there looking for Nathanson, they are just going to kill you instead. That's exactly what happened, but to tell you the truth, these new terrorist overlords aren't messing around at all. Nathanson calls another person who was working with him, letting this other guy know that Bierko, which doesn't sound British to me, but is easier than saying Fake Jeremy Irons all recap long, is on to them. Nathanson called his man to tell him to start erasing his databases, and got him just in time to hear him get shot over the phone. Hopefully, there is somebody out there looking to kill Spenser as well.

Nathanson is not the only person with a lot on his mind. Lynn McGill calls his sister because along with taking his wallet, they took his key card, and he is going to need his key card to do things. He is very desperate and says that she can max out the credit cards, just let him get his key card back. Stupid Lynn, if he were smart, he would just have Curtis make a visit to her apartment on his way back to CTU. With any luck, the deadbeat boyfriend, who is really the one who doesn't want to give the key card back, might get his neck snapped or something. Instead, he is trying to make deals with his sister, and it's not going to get any easier. The boyfriend, Dwayne, seems like he knows how important that key card is, and he looks like he wants to scalp it for a little ride on the slopes with Tina. The president is already breathing down his neck wondering why the plan didn't go through, and Lynn is starting to take out his problems on other people.

Lynn makes it back to CTU where he is late for another meeting, this time with Bill Buchanan briefing everybody about the incident in the mall. You know, 24 has a pretty good budget, you think that they could have done something more to show people died in pain than have, as one reader called it, nerve gas herpes show up in their mouths. Actually, it looks like that science experiment we all did in third grade where you make a paper mache mountain, fill it with baking soda and red food coloring, add some vinegar, and watch it erupt. Anyway, Bill is telling everybody that the LAPD set up a perimeter to try and contain the terrorists. Finally! A perimeter! I feel safe!

Despite the perimeter, Lynn is not satisfied. He is pissed about Jack, the President is breathing down his neck, he got beat up in the parking lot a few hours ago, and nobody wants to respect his authority. Lynn's going to show him; he is going to take care of this Jack problem by having him brought in and questioning him. The call is put into Curtis to bring Jack in, and although Curtis really approved of everything that Jack did in the mall, he still has his orders. Jack believes that he only has to answer directly to the President, but hands his gun to Curtis and decides to go quietly.

Although Jack and Audrey didn't work together to prevent the nerve gas from going off in the mall, they were on the same wavelength and this is making Lynn very suspicious. He thought that Audrey was too close to Jack and they were trying to go around his authority to get things done. That wasn't technically true until Audrey received a call from none other than James Nathanson himself. Speaking of Audrey, did anybody else think that she made a trip to the salon to get her highlights done? Perhaps stepped into the bathroom with some Clairol looking to touch up her color? I have seen only a handful of people pee or eat in five seasons, and yet she is looking as fresh as ever.

The CTU Salon: Bold Color for Bold Personalities

So, Nathanson wanted to be transferred to Jack's cell phone. Nathanson needed to talk to him, and he didn't want anybody else to know it, including others at CTU. Considering Jack is sort of under custody, this is all going to be very interesting, don't you think? Audrey puts the call in to Jack, and Curtis lets the two have a few minutes to themselves and lets Jack leave the car. If there was any doubt as to whether some serious shit was going to go down, Jack was once again wearing the Aviator Glasses of Badness. Yes! I don't know if those things hold the key to his mojo, but whenever he wears them, you know people are going to die. Either that, or he'll fake his death and disappear along the train tracks, but I'm going with people dying for this episode. Nathanson tells Audrey to hang up and that he has a device on his phone that detects when people have tapped the line, so don't try any funny business. He tells Jack that he wants protection. Walt Cummings wasn't the only person in the government who was in on this plan, and they are out to get him. He tells Jack to meet him near a pay phone. Now all Jack has to do is get rid of Curtis.

This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you

It may have been possible for Jack to reason with Curtis, but Jack didn't want to take that chance. Does anybody think that perhaps Curtis did some sensitivity training since the last season? He did punch that girl in the face - I mean, it was Mandy, but if the folks at Division were looking at the replay, you can see how some of them might not have jumped out of their couches and clapped like most of us when it happened. As Curtis is driving back to CTU, he starts talking to Jack about how tough it must be for him and Audrey. They were so close, he faked his death, they thought they would never see each other again, now they're kind of back. Curtis hopes that it will all work out, and his nice words must have made it really hard for Jack to box his ear and then put him in a sleeper hold. But what was Jack going to do? He has to meet Nathanson and Lynn McGill was already so paranoid about his authority that Jack could never get this sanctioned from CTU.

After Curtis woke up, he was pissed! He calls Lynn, and says that Jack got the jump on him. Curtis couldn't believe that he let Jack surprise him and this is just further evidence for Lynn that people inside CTU are trying to get around his authority, and so he starts to watch Audrey more closely. He asks Audrey if she has received any calls from Jack since he was in custody, and although she says no, she knows that he only needs to check the call logs to see that she was lying. Audrey calls Chloe to see if she can get that specific call erased, knowing how much Chloe likes Jack, but Chloe says that they would have to erase Audrey's entire log. Chloe manages to do this, but it happens while Lynn is actually in the process of checking the log, so it is erased from his screen in front of his face. Now he KNOWS that something is going on.

If there is anybody that seems to be at ease, it is President Logan. Well, he's not really at ease, but you can tell he is enjoying himself listening to all of the networks gush about how great the treaty he signed with the Russians is going to be. You knew it wouldn't last for long however, and Logan gets a call from Bierko himself. Bierko, polite British guy that he is, says that he was sorry about the attack in the mall, because it didn't help his interest. He only wanted to release the nerve gas on Moscow, because he wants to hurt the Russian oppressors who have been forcing his people to drink that Bolshevik tea. What else could Bierko and his comrades do except form a resistance and kill millions of people so they can get their Earl Grey? Since he can't get the homeland, Bierko is going to have to hit Mother Russia on American soil. Bierko will forget about the canisters as long as the president gives him information on Suvarov's motorcade, so they can strike it. Uh oh, you can already see President Pussy's knees turn to jelly.

Jack makes it safely to the pay phone Nathanson was talking about, where he hears a cell phone that Nathanson left there. He answers the call and Nathanson gives him instructions on how to find him in the warehouse next door. Jack makes his way over to the building, but he hears a helicopter. Wow! Is CTU actually on to them? Jack disabled the GPS in the truck he took from Curtis and removed the SIM card from his cell phone so they couldn't track him that way. It looks like he and Nathanson are going to have some fun getting away from CTU, but would Jack actually hurt a CTU agent to save Nathanson? I guess we are going to find out.

Since they weren't close to each other, Jack told Nathanson to grab a weapon and head towards the roof and they'll try and meet there. Unfortunately, he meets a little resistance. I had thought they were CTU agents looking for Jack, but it turns out that they were Russian terrorists looking for Nathanson. How could I tell? First of all, they were able to find Nathanson without anybody having to open a socket or re-task a satellite. Secondly, upon arriving we didn't hear anybody talk about flanks or perimeters. And last but not least, they didn't follow that business casual dress code CTU field agents seem to prefer.

Nathanson is able to take out one guy and steal his weapon, but two more guys are on his trail. He makes it to the roof, but one of the guys chasing him shoots him in the leg. Out of ammo, the two guys make it to Nathanson just in time. As a rule of thumb, all terrorists must wait several moments upon finding their target to let them cower in fear before pulling a bullet into their head. Those few moments are all that Jack needs to shoot those two terrorists from the next rooftop, saving Nathanson. Unfortunately, Jack lost the Messenger Bag of Death somewhere between Ontario Airport, CTU, and the presidential retreat, so he is kind of screwed when the helicopter swings back around and starts firing.

Jack starts shooting at the helicopter with his gun and tells Nathanson to stay where he is, as this spot on the roof is giving him decent cover, but Nathanson wants to reach one of the terrorist machine guns. As he is reaching out, one of the guys from the helicopter shoots him. Jack just managed to hit one of the engines on the helicopter, so it started smoking and looked like it was going to make a crash landing somewhere. He makes his way over the Nathanson, but it is too late. Nathanson tells Jack to reach around in his pockets. Hey Nathanson, is that the secret to the secret government nerve gas conspiracy in your pocket, or are you just happy to see Jack? Well, it was actually the evidence of some sort, but Jack has no means to do anything with it.

At least buy him dinner first

The first thing Jack needs to do is call Audrey, but she is preoccupied. After the incident with the call logs, he asked Buchanan about the history between Jack and Audrey. Man, when Nathanson called Audrey, he knew that they were romantically involved, so I don't know what more information Lynn wants from Buchanan. Buchanan asks Audrey if she knew anything about Jack breaking custody and she admitted that she helped Jack and he was trying to contact Nathanson about the canisters. Everybody has noticed how wacky Lynn has become, so Buchanan doesn't even really question her reasoning.

Lynn still wants to keep a careful eye on Audrey, so he hovers over her desk while asking her to do some work. This is inconvenient because nobody likes to work that way, and only moments later, Jack is calling about what happened to Nathanson. Audrey is going to let it go, but Lynn wants her to answer. She picks up, pretends that Steve is on the other line, and transfers him to IT, which means Chloe. Well, it could have meant Edgar, but he was nowhere to be found. I guess he has to answer the phones and run out for Starbucks as well. Jack uploads the contents of the thumb drive, which is really flash memory, but for fear of boring you with geeky details, we'll forgive them.

Now, if it wasn't tense enough that Audrey was being watched and Chloe was working behind Lynn's back, we got a call that Tony Almeida was running around the infirmary and threatened to leave the building if he didn't get his Cubs mug back! Of course that didn't happen, but you have admit that would have been sweet if it did. Actually, the problem as that the flash memory was formatted (they probably meant encrypted) for the Department of Defense, and the only person who has those clearances is Audrey, but she is tied up with McGill. Chloe calls Buchanan, and Buchanan manages to pull Lynn away for a long enough time for Chloe to fire up CTU Instant Messenger and get the codes from Audrey.

Everything is going smooth except that Lynn notices that Audrey closed an application window. He then realizes that Buchanan was trying to distract him. You wanna go nuts? Lynn McGill will give you nuts! He's taking it up a notch. Audrey is protected because her dad is Secretary of Defense, but Buchanan has no protection, and Lynn decides to make an example of him and throws him into custody for being insubordinate. Personally, I think that it was for another reason. When Buchanan was distracting Lynn, he mentioned that they needed to do something in Lynn's office, and it would require his key card. Buchanan said the magic word, and now he is being locked up. And just to make sure people know that he is serious, Lynn tells everybody that he is going to implement a section 2-3 redundancy. Lynn would screen everybody’s work. Man, this guy really needs to join rageaholics anonymous.

Goonies are supposed to sick together!

Audrey tries to complain about Buchanan being held in custody and how it would undermine their operations, but let's be honest. Over the last few years, CTU always has a change in leadership at the top and things have worked out. If I were Buchanan, I would rather be put into custody than flying a nuclear bomb to Palm Springs, being shot in the head and delivered to a terrorist, or having my daughter die in the CTU infirmary. Billy boy has it easy! Anyway, Lynn says "I promise you don't want to threaten me," which I guess sounds tough, but only until the office finds out his sister's boyfriend beat him up for some lunch money. "Don't threaten me" is a line that Jack can use, that Curtis can use, hell, even Chloe can use if she has a machine gun, but Lynn cannot use that line.

Despite all of the distraction, Chloe was able to get Jack some more information. The canisters were built by Teradyne, and there were records of the strontium isotope they used to create the nerve gas. She also mentioned that Teradyne was a subsidiary of Omichron, which sounded familiar to Jack. He asked if a man named Harry, uh, I mean Christopher Henderson was on the corporate roster. Indeed, there he was: Christopher Henderson, Senior Vice President of Research and Development. Jack knew him from the old days. I wonder if he was in the same squad in Bosnia as Jack and Saunders. Whoever he is, I hope he has an army nearby, because Jack is on his trail.

Things over at the Presidential ranch are wrapping up. Suvarov and his wife are about to leave, but there is still that question of whether Logan will give the terrorists the information they need. Mike gets the route info for Suvarov's motorcade, but reminds President Pussy that if the Russians find out they aided in the death of their President, it would be considered an act of war. I know that is serious stuff, but perhaps Mike is forgetting that with Jack now back alive, they are going to come up with some answers for the Chinese. The Russians might as well wait in line, and the President has to know this. If I were Logan, I would welcome a war with the drunk Russians over the swift precision deaths that a war with so many Asians would bring us.

Logan is not that worried about giving the information out because the motorcade is well protected, so the terrorists might not even be successful. Somebody better call Kenny Rogers, because from now on, President Pussy is going to be known as "The Gambler," and I hear he likes rotisserie chicken. It's the wood that makes it good, although I still prefer Koo Koo Roo. Is there anything that could make THIS situation any more tense? How about if our crazy First Lady popped her head in just as the President and Mike were discussing selling out the Russians. Martha hears this plan, and you know she's not going to be happy. She hates lying, and she wonders why her husband can't think of something else. What about that whole "we don't negotiate with terrorists" thing, and didn't you like sign a treaty to, you know, work with the Russians on terrorism? The President was so proud of this treaty, but if it's not worth the paper he signed it on, why even bother?

The Gambler tells his wife that answers are never easy, and says that CTU may find the canisters before anything needs to happen. He pleads with Martha not to freak out, and the two of them leave to see Suvarov and his wife leave, get some pictures with the press corps, and then pray those drunk Russians lost their nuclear football and can't retaliate when Suvarov is dead. This whole time, I was watching Martha Logan and was ready for her to scream out loud. "DON'TLEAVEWETOLDTHETERRORISTSWHERETOFINDYOURMOTORCADEANDYOU'LLDIE." But that never happened. It looked like she was desperate to say something, but she couldn't find the words. She didn't want to upset her husband, but she couldn't let these people die.

Mike got the sign from Logan to tell the terrorists about the Russian motorcade. Bierko was very happy, and began to plan his attack. He was so good at killing Nathanson and his friends, I was sort of surprised to see that he was doing all of his planning with a Rand McNally map and a wax pen. Seriously, I know he was in a rush, but was there not one laptop around that these people could have used for logistics? Nathanson seemed to have some equipment back at his place that he wasn't using.

Martha was going to have to make a decision. Does she scream? Faint? Distract the Secret Service by pulling off her shirt? Find the nearest sink full of water and dunk her face in it? I know! As soon as you husband leaves to attend to some Presidential matters, jump inside the limo with Suvarov and his wife! Martha, Martha, Martha! How could you? Getting into the limo, Mrs. Logan says she wants to ride with them to the airport, which will give her and Anya Suvarov some time to talk. Anya pretends that she is going to enjoy it, but you know that she was hoping for some time alone with Yuri so they could get drunk and make fun of what a wimp Logan is and what the hell is he doing with that crazy wife. Then again, considering she just saved them from death, they may cut her a little slack.

Two first ladies, one back seat. They don't call Yuri the Pimp of Petersburg for nothing

I have to say I really loved this episode. Some people might complain about the twists, the fact that Jack gets taken into custody at least once every hour, and that yet another person holding the key to finding the canisters died, but I was on the edge of my seat the entire time. Lynn is going to lose it soon, and next week it looks like Curtis is going to put an end to recess time, and I can't wait to see the look on Logan's face when he discovers that his wife has decided to jump bail. I never really liked Erwich, and so our Fake Jeremy Irons is a welcome addition. I also like that they managed to fit an evil corporate conglomerate, vice president, and Jack's past all in the same sentence. My only hope is that Curtis gets a chance to raise his body count, but we know it's coming.

What did you think of this episode? Will Lynn get his key card back? How is Omichron involved? Will the terrorists attack the motorcade? Will they release the nerve gas anyway? Don't you love the Aviator Glasses of Badness?

Posted by at 11:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (29)

Ai yai yai, graphic content. And I know it’s not gonna be the sexy kind. You guys, I do not deal well with people being burned, so if this House recap isn’t joyful and light, that’s why.

So two guys are riding around in a….dune…dirt…bike buggy? I don’t really know what those are called, but it’s for riding around on back roads. ATV, I think. They come to a stop and it’s quickly established that this is a father-son duo, with the dad driving and not letting his son have any fun. But, like most dads, he wants to be a cool guy, so he eventually lets his son drive, as long as he promises to stay below 15 mph. Obviously this isn’t going to end well.

They’re driving along just fine, when we see the kid have some sort of facial spasm, and his hand squeezes the accelerator, too. His dad starts screaming at him, to no avail, and falls/jumps off the bike. I couldn’t tell which it was, but if he jumped off he should have pulled his son, too. The kid drives off the end of the trail and crashes into a pile of those huge cement pipes you see at construction sites. Everything goes all flamey, and not in the fun, men’s figure skating-Johnny Weir kind of way.

There! I made a joke. That’s probably it, though. Next, the kid is being wheeled in from a helicopter and he’s got some sort of metallic blanket covering him. Cut to House, hiding and translating a medical journal from Hindi. I think just for fun. He’s heard about the burn victim, but wants nothing to do with it, UNTIL he sees that the kid’s heart appears to be all messed up as well. They all head over to the burn unit to observe the kid. Oh no, this is really awful. The kid is a total mess. It’s quite sad. House is all business, though, suggesting an antiquated device that I think is meant to check the kid’s heart, but I’m a little unclear. I’m totally distracted by the awful sight of the nurses scrubbing the patient while he’s still unconscious.

In Cuddy’s office, a doctor is asking for AV equipment for a presentation that Cuddy approved. Cuddy has no recollection of this, which of course means House has been forging signatures and whatnot. There’s some back and forth about Cuddy’s assistant, or lack thereof. Remember the male assistant? Well, now they refer to this person as a “her,” and she’s quit without Cuddy’s knowledge. I think we’re supposed to get that Cuddy is just as hard to work for as House, but in her own special way.

House is fiddling around with an old, unconscious man’s brain. Cuddy comes barging in and notices that this coma patient has a migraine, which seems a bit unusual. And it is. House induced it to test the efficacy of a new migraine drug. Um, is that supposed to be one of his wacky hijinks? That’s pretty horrible. Cuddy thinks so too, enough that she doesn’t seem all that mad about him forging her signature anymore. House says, with a raised eyebrow, that they can talk later about “appropriate discipline.” You know, he says it like he’s joking, but I bet Cuddy has spanked the hell out of him before. More than once.

Back to the burn victim, where Cameron is explaining the procedure to his parents. The guy playing the dad is awesome; I totally buy his grief. The doctors are trying to determine if the patient’s heart problems have anything to do with the burns, and the machine is old-timey and weird, which freaks out the parents. The kid’s hands and feet are in bowls of water and he’s got all kinds of wires attached to him. He starts to shake, even after they unplug the machine, and it looks like he’s being electrocuted.

Turns out it was a seizure, and the Outhouses are doing the usual, thinking up weird’n’zany diagnoses. The big problem here is that they can’t move him into another room or perform any high-powered tests, which rules out MRIs and CT scans. Basically, they can’t subject him to modern medicine. Well, modern-ish. House figures out that they can do a sonogram on the kid’s brain. Yep, that’s what he was using on the coma patient earlier. Well that worked out nicely.

Cuddy is introducing Dr. Weber, the guy House secretly requested for a lecture. Since she had no notice, Cuddy doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about. House is in the back, wearing a cap and sunglasses. Which would only make him stand out more in a lecture hall. Ridiculous. The guy playing Weber was on Frasier, as the guy who would always sexually harass Roz. But he’s gay in real life. You know, I couldn’t tell you the plot of even one of Shakespeare’s plays. But I know such important things about sitcom actors!

Wilson sits down next to House and figures something must be up, since House never goes to lectures. House tries to deny it, but Weber’s resume matches up almost exactly to House’s. Wilson knows this because he is in love with House and knows every little thing about him. Well, this is new to me, but apparently House was kicked out of school at one point for cheating. I wonder what he did to get back in?

Weber was the one who turned House in, so House has always referred to him as Von Lieberman since it sounds more evil. “So what’s the plan? Are you gonna wait till he bends over, then make a fart sound?” asks Wilson. Ha! That’s the first time Wilson’s made me laugh out loud. I want to go get a beer with him. Seriously, though, who knows what House’s crazy plan is going to be.

Well, we’re next treated to a close-up of the patient’s eyeball. The doctors are propping his eyelids back with bits of metal that look like the holders you use for dying Easter eggs. You know? Easter is forever ruined for me now. The kid’s parents are worried that this will wake him up, at which point he’d probably just die of shock. Chase and Foreman are showing him pictures to see how fast his brain responds. Y’all, this is by far the most technical show yet this season. The doctors find something worrying, but before it’s explained we go back to the lecture hall, where Wilson is still ragging on House. House works his best annoyed student voice as he says “I’m trying to learn.”

Wilson is worried that House is going to embarrass Dr. Weber by calling him on an inaccuracy, since House seems convinced that this guy is basically a sham doctor. Wilson suggests bowling as a more appropriate hobby than routinely humiliating people, but House doesn’t want to hear it. At this point Foreman comes in to explain the problem with the patient, and the three doctors cause enough of a ruckus to get Weber’s attention. House starts babbling at him in Hindi, leaving everyone, especially Wilson, fairly dumbstruck.

Chase and Foreman work on trying to stop the bleeding in the kid’s brain. It’s a very brief scene, but during it Chase straight up yells at Foreman. What is this, a crack in team unity? Back in the lecture hall, House decides it’s time to get rowdy. House and Weber go back and forth while Wilson whispers insults to House under his breath. “Get a hooker, anything,” says Wilson.

Weber figures out that the heckler is none other than House, and promptly shows him up when House tries to say his drug doesn’t work, because it didn’t work on the coma patient guinea pig he used. Weber isn’t surprised; coma patients have atrophied cerebral cortexes. Whoops. In the burn unit, it looks like the kid, Adam, is waking up. His eyes are fluttering, and Cameron worries that he’s in pain. Foreman quickly determines that it’s not pain, though. Well, what on earth could it be? While we wait to find out, we cut to House in his office, shooting up. First Weber’s anti-migraine medicine, then something that causes migraines. Right as he finishes, Cameron walks in to announces “Adam had an orgasm.”

House’s migraine kicks in, and the pain delights him to no end, since it means he was right that Weber’s drug doesn’t work. Well, it proves that the medicine doesn’t work on House. A study of one person isn’t really conclusive, is it? Foreman comes in to take care of House, and actually is very sensitive and sweet here, even though he’s clearly annoyed with House. He speaks quietly the whole time and tells House to keep him updated. They have to keep working though, to find a “differential diagnosis for getting off.”

Naturally, Chase thinks that pain caused the orgasm. He may have a point, but Chase is still a big ol’ perv. Cameron buys the theory, but not the solution. Since Adam’s on so many medications, it’s almost impossible to tell which one they should take him off to keep him from…coming. So they go old fashioned. Bring on the maggots!

Ew. Ew ew ew ew. I can’t look at the TV right now; this is not the sort of thing I would choose to watch for my own enjoyment. Maggots. Dead flesh. Gross. Wilson arrives in House’s office to give him what-for. They’re letting Robert Sean Leonard have some fun with this episode! First he shouts in House’s ear, then drops a handful of cutlery into the sink, then strides out in a righteous huff.

The next day, House is still lying on the floor in agony. The Outhouses report that the maggots helped with the infection but didn’t prove anything. The only option left is a lumbar puncture, which has the unfortunately side effect of easily causing paralysis. But, since Adam might die without it, the parents sign the consent form, but not without much angst and gnashing of teeth. Which, I totally understand, but I think I’m developing a soft spot for Foreman and don’t want to see anyone being mean to him.

During the puncture, Chase is throwing another hissy and yelling at Foreman again. What’s going on with these two? Foreman’s got mad skillz, yo, so he still manages to get the fluid without paralyzing Adam. Unfortunately, it doesn’t really prove anything; it just gives them negatives. House decides to go check on Adam for himself. What happens next is pretty horrible, I have to say. He forces the anesthesiologist (?) to wake Adam up, knowing full well that the kid is going to experience pure agony. This scene is terrible to watch. Adam is screaming, but does manage to tell House that he peed his pants before he passed out. House looks upset at what he’s done. As well he should. This information will ultimately hold the key to figuring out Adam’s brain problem. Does that make what House did okay?

House goes to take a shower (symbolic much?) and starts hallucinating while he’s at it. Cameron checks in on him and House tells her that he’s seeing music. She’s concerned for about two seconds until she figures out that he took drugs. She’s just a little peeved. In the office, Cameron tells on House, but when he comes in, he’s completely cured and ready to talk about Adam. House thinks he’s depressed, but the Outhouses disagree so much that House decides to go talk to Adam again. He stops in with the parents first to berate them, as is his custom. The parents are convinced that Adam tells them everything, but House is on his “everybody lies” theme and doesn’t completely buy it.

House is being really evil here. He goes back into Adam’s room, to the pure horror of Adam’s parents. Foreman comes running in and tries to physically take the syringe from House. He almost does, but House stops of his own volition. There’s a tiny round burn on Adam’s inner wrist, that I can immediately see is a cigarette burn, but I guess they needed a few seconds of filler because Foreman tries to argue that it’s not obviously from a cigarette. Adam also has yellow fingers. Nasty cigarette smoker! Shame!

House figures that Adam’s trying to quit smoking, because anti-smoking medication has anti-depressants in it that can mess adolescents up, especially if they’re cheap Internet meds. Problem solved! End of Adam’s story.

Cuddy asks House if he dropped acid. He doesn’t say he did, but he does remind her that LSD can cure migraines. She posits that LSD lasts a long time, so if he’s sober now then he must not have taken any. He comes back with another reminder: big doses of anti-depressants can stop the effects of LSD. Oooh, I do believe we’ve learned some new tricks, kiddos!

House is sitting in his apartment, drinking alone, when there’s a knock on his door. He gets up to answer it and…uh oh. I do believe he took Wilson’s advice from earlier, because what’s a nice young lady like her doing showing up in the middle of the night? Yup, he got himself a hooker. Luckily, this Paula looks like a college student with a lot of debt, so I guess we can be glad House still has some kind of standards? Maybe?

House basically tells the girl to shut the hell up, then invites her in. There you have it. House finally did it with a hooker. How do we feel about that, class? Will House continue his downward spiral, our is his redemption coming soon?

Posted by Kat at 7:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

It’s been a fun season for Project Runway. From Dirty Diana on the dance floor to Kara avoiding “Daingah� in her dress to Andrae’s endlessly funny gay expressions...so many memories. Now we are finally coming to the end. That’s right, this week was the penultimate episode. The last runway elimination before we get our final three for New York’s Olympus Fashion Week. After Nick's surprise departure last week we are left with the horrifying reality that at least one, and possibly two people who are the least talented of the entire group will make it through to the final three. Those two are Santino, a one note designer who makes everything look like Muppet puke, and Kara, whose ideas are so dull and uninspired that the only real talent she has is mangling the English language. Who will be the one to squeak through? I suppose if I had to choose it would be Santino, because he does have some talent, and not just for doing Tim Gunn impressions.

With this being the last official runway competition, the challenge was a bit of a surprise. Instead of just another random challenge that would test their “creativity,� “ingenuity� or “gayitivity,� it was something that actually tied in directly with their final presentation at Fashion Week. Oh yeah, they also drag out another aging supermodel and treat her like she cured a fatal disease. And we all know the only supermodel to ever cure a disease was when Elle McPherson discovered a vaccine for tyrosinemia in 1996.

First, I feel it important to share this with all you Heidi Klum fans out there. Make sure you pick up this week's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue where she does an entire photo shoot with nothing but body paint on. Which is just more evidence that every woman should get back down to 2% body fat within a few months of giving birth. If Heidi can do it, anyone can. Or should I say, if Heidi taking two months off and working with a team of highly paid fitness trainers can do it, you can do it.

We start as always with the fallout from the previous person's eviction, or firing, or “not fitting in� or whatever they call the person who gets booted. The “auf Wiedersehened�? Anyways, Santino is no longer well liked among any of the remaining contestants for his overly competitive nature and insulting comments. Daniel is particularly upset that he lost his boy Nick and blames a lot of it on Santino. To try and turn even the viewers against Santino we then get to see a shot if Santino waking up in his tighty whities and talking about how he feels “pumped up.� That’s an image that will linger.

No need. Simply no need.

They are brought in front of Heidi and she tells them that this week's design will be an evening gown. But the twist is that their evening gown must represent their collection for Olympus Fashion Week. Oooh! Pressure is on. But before we start with the new challenge we have to get rid of another model. Will it be Nick's model, the Gumby-legged marshmallowy looking Rachel, or my red headed wild child and the future Ex Mrs. Hill, Grace? Yeah it’s not much of a contest; Grace stays, and my heart soars. At least Chloe didn’t use some Danielesque “you’re not losing, you’re moving into bigger and brighter things� excuse. She just says “I’m sticking with Grace,� and Staypuft is sent packing.

Back in the workroom Tim comes in and has them all gather around, as he has something to tell them. Olympus Fashion Week is organized by a company called “Seventh on Sixth.� Fern Mallis is the executive director, and they are going on a brief field trip to talk to her. “Field trip� on this show has come to simply mean “awkward product placement.� Kara for one is amazed that they get to meet someone who has so much “powah� in the fashion industry. When they pick Fern's brain for ideas Daniel asks about any beginner mistakes that they can avoid. Fern says that she can’t ever underestimate being nice, at which point Daniel turns around and glares at Santino. He totally just learned his lesson. I mean, a good glaring is just the best comeback ever.

Back at the workroom they are given an hour to sketch before going off to Mood for their fabrics. Chloe is going with 1940’s Hollywood glamour, because we all know Scarlett Johanson hasn’t run that idea into the ground lately. She also says she wants clean lines, nothing messy. Same old Chloe. Daniel wanted something high impact for the runway so he designs something with a high slit. Hehe, slit. Santino says he is making something that is very Hollywood, glamorous, “making the magic happen� and “creating a really great dress.� Whoa, too much detail Santino, save it for the runway. Kara of course has no idea what she’s going to do.

This flows into the night where Kara is clueless and is asking everyone for help. “Evening weah� is not her forte. She is putting a racer back on an evening gown and Daniel loves it. I of course am sent scurrying to the fashion dictionary to see what the heck a racer back is. It is “A feature usually in vest tops where the back is cut away to reveal the wearer's shoulder blades. Very popular in sportswear for both men and women.�

Santino meanwhile is all by himself, having been deemed the outcast that no one likes. He reacts to this by deciding to keep to himself and not talk or help anyone out. Later that night as they are back at the apartment he is talking to Daniel about Nick and how fickle he got with him. “I heard Nick say like ‘well at least my garment isn’t taped together,’ or whatever. And I was just like, ‘dude whatever.’� When Daniel defends Nick and criticizes Santino’s outfit he is subjected to a virtual torrent of “dude, whatever’s�. It’s like the Lincoln/Douglas debates come to life in 2005 New York.

The next day when they all get back to the workroom Tim makes his appearance. Kara now doubts her racer back idea that she spent all night on. Girl needs to shit or get off the pot, as my grandma used to say. Tim thinks Daniel’s is looking too Marlene Dietrich, so he has to tweak it to look more modern. Chloe’s skirt looks like “a bathing suit with a towel wrapped around it." Not good. He finds the entire back of the dress odd looking. Santino is just having trouble with time issues because as we all know, Santino loves to add flair.

Tim then gathers them all around to tell them he has a surprise for them. It involves “a supermodel among supermodels.� It’s….Iman!! That’s right, A 50-something aging supermodel that no one cares about will be the guest judge! From the reactions that they give you’d have thought Tim just told them that the Lord Jesus Christ himself has descended to earth and decided to host a competition among the final four to see who will design a new robe for him for the red carpet premiere of Final Destination 3. Santino simply cannot process the information. “Oh my,…GOD!� he screams. Seriously, am I missing something? Is there some huge untapped Iman audience out there that I am just unaware of? Oh but that’s not all, Iman will also be wearing the winner's dress on the red carpet at a “big event.� This being Iman I’m thinking the Cat Fancy Oscar party.

The Iman bombshell gets everyone nervous as they work away. Daniel is excited about the prospect of winning and thinks it would be a great jumpstart to their careers. Chloe then says she isn’t sure if she wants to win, which shocks everyone. And with that we have our final work montage. But it’s not going to be all work tonight. Tim comes in and says he has yet another big surprise for them for their dinner break. It’s time to drop what they are doing and follow him. And instead of the usual product placement (I half expected them to go back to Toy’s 'R Us) he brings them to Suede, the hip NYC nightclub where they are all surprised by Heidi, Michael Kors, the three remaining models and some of the castmates from season one. Austin Scarlett is wearing what looks to be a see through blouse (I think he might be gay). Kara Saun and Jay are also there to impart their wisdom. Alas Wendy Pepper did not make the trip. She must have been getting her broom cleaned (ooh, I am such a bitch!).

Chloe is rapping with Kara Saun, Austin is flitting about like Tinkerbell talking about how he loves being thin but wants to be rich, and Kara is kissing Michael Kors' ass. “I just feel privileged to have met someone like you" says Kara “Puh-leassse! Fashion is all about what’s new. What’s next. So I’m invigorated by watching you guys!� Michael tells them. The liquor seems to up Michaels gay factor by about 30 percent, but even then standing next to Austin Scarlett he comes off like Chuck Norris.

When they get back to the work room Kara is talking to Chloe about her puckering. Man, between slits and puckering this is a dirty euphemism lover's dream! If Michael Kors talks about Daniel’s puckering slit I will have died and gone to heaven. Santino is confident that because he thinks his is riskier and has more to say than everyone else’s that he will be assured a spot in the final three, whereas Daniel thinks Santino is going overboard as usual. Back in the loft Chloe says that if he puts more flair on his dress it will look like a turkey. But at least it will be a couture turkey.

The next day Tim comes by one last time before the runway show to see everyone’s progress. He is disappointed in Chloe’s dress, thinking the dress makes the mannequin look like she has a big ass. Kara has now abandoned the idea of using her sash which just upsets Tim, because there is not much else to the dress. He’s warning everyone, other than Santino, that their pieces are in danger of “just being a dress.� They need to make a statement. Daniel assures him that his will be different. “On the runway I know mine is going to open up, giving it a completely different feeling.� Oh god, he was so close to saying that his slit was going to open up completely. That would have been the ultimate TVgasm. Why must they tease me so. Yes, they tease me with their slits.

Now it's time for our final runway before Fashion Week. As usual, everyone thinks their dress looks great. Another thing I noticed about the runway shows. I am digging the music. When it's time for the judges take we go first to Iman. She doesn’t like the fact that Kara didn’t steam the dress (it's wrinkled) and the hem is a mess. Michael says that the dress she is wearing that she made herself is more interesting than the dress on her model. But what’s most interesting is the insane shade of orange Michael Kors has become.

Oompa Loompa doompadee do

They think Daniel's dress, while well made, is safe and boring. When they ask Santino about his he goes into this story he made up about a kidnapped designer who is forced to make gowns for a young ambitious diva, or something. I think Harrison Ford has signed on to star. It’ll be called Hemline!.

With Chloe they see her puckering right away. Michael says it look “very dressmakery.� Yeah, sure. Whatever that means. They then ask Chloe who she thinks should be out this week. Chloe goes with Santino, pointing out his lack of sewing skills. When they ask Santino the same question, he says that he’s not wowed by people who are “brilliant patternmakers but not brilliant designers.� But it’s not over there. They ask the rest of them and they all pick Chloe as the one to go. Huh? Did I not just see everyone badmouthing Santino and his designs nonstop from the start of the show? Now it’s Chloe who they think sucks?

They send the contestants backstage so the judges can deliberate. Chloe’s fabric didn’t look good. She’s not stepping outside of the box, which with someone of Chloe’s stature, I can only assume is a box of animal crackers. Santino they think was at least fun. With Kara her dresses are not memorable and they are never quite right. She does textile design yet they have never seen her do a print. Then Michael Kors for some reason blurts out “Is this a hidden poochy? I had no idea!� That’s it. Puckered slits and now a hidden poochy? This is the best episode of Project Runway EVER. Daniel they think is also very simple, but it was made well and fit well. Iman is upset that it didn’t have a point of view.


With that they bring them out and it's time to find out, for the last time, who is EEN, and who is out. Santino is in and they send him backstage where he drops to his knees with fists pumping. OK, Is it me or have the dirty euphemisms just taken over the recap completely? Focus, Ed…focus.

Time for the winner and it is….Daniel. Iman calls it “borderline boring� so it’s not exactly a ringing success. That leaves us down to Kara and Chloe. If Chloe and Grace are out I’m boycotting the final episode. sg-dub will have to come out of early retirement to do the last episode.

And the loser is….Kara. Finally! It’s a long time coming. Of course Santino is just around for the ratings, but Daniel and Chloe are the two most deserving. Backstage Tim says they are all winners, which is kind of true because all four of them did show their stuff at Fashion Week, only they used Kara as a decoy so we wouldn’t know she got booted. So she still showed her stuff in front of hundreds of industry people in the most high-visibility fashion show of the year. Hard to feel too bad for her.

Next week is a reunion show, and if the clips are anything to go by, it should be good. I mean, it's a room full of women and gay mean getting catty with each other. What could be more entertaining?

So what did everyone else think? Are you happy with the final three?

Posted by EdHIll at 4:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (35)

This week's episode of Beauty and the Geek was pretty solid. We got to see the Beauties experience life as a Geek (even it was only for an hour at a fake bar party), and the Geeks got to see their Beauties model handpicked lingerie. All in all, not a bad way to spend a couple hours on a chilly Sunday evening. (Yes, I know the show airs on Thursday, but I usually don't get a chance to watch it until after the wife's gone to bed on Sunday. Isn't married life exciting?) Although to be honest, I could've done without the extensive coverage of Joe getting in touch with his inner rhinotillexomaniac.

As always, the episode starts off with the remaining players waiting to see who won last week's Elimination Ceremony. This week, however, the teams say they don't really care who won, as they liked both teams in the competition. Halfway up the steps, Ankur trips and falls up the stairs, prompting Joe to ask if anyone remembered who was wearing what shoes. Hanging out with the Beauties is really starting to pay off for Joe, in a bizarre shoe fetish way.

Later, down in the library, Host Mike Richards tells the teams that this week they'll have to learn to communicate with the other side on a different level. He also tells the Beauties there's a special note in their study materials they should read in private. Fortunately, TVgasm's crack investigative staff has obtained a copy of the note, which you can see here. Actually, the note just tells the Beauties they have to ask a Geek who is not their partner on a date. I wonder who gets dibs on Host Mike Richards?

Although she's nervous, Jennipher asks Josh to if he'd like to go on a date with her. Josh says the fact that she was nervous asking him out showed him that women could be as nervous about asking someone out as a man is. Evidently, it never dawns on poor Josh that she's only nervous because she's asking him out. While he tells her he's really excited about going on a date, as soon as she leaves, he says he feels sick. Yeah, who's nervous now, Josh? Who's nervous now?

Brittany asks Ankur to be her date, and Ankur is his usual humble self. "I've never asked someone on a date, and I've never been asked on a date," he says. "But I think I can hold an hour long conversation about shoes if I have to." Big talk coming from a guy who only owns three pair of shoes, one of which he describes as a "sneaker-colored pair of sneakers."

Ironically Cher is really nervous about asking Wes out, even though they just bumped nasties the week before in Vegas. Finally, Sarah asks Joe if he'd like to go on a date with her. Of course, he says yes. Joe: "I've never been asked out before. It was a new thing for me. I couldn't say 'yes' fast enough." Sarah is relieved that Joe accepted her invitation: "I don't think I could've handled rejection," she tells him, "especially from you." Wait! She didn't mean it like that. It's just that she and Joe are friends, and a friend turning her down would've made her feel bad. Yeah, whatever. Joe's fine with it, though, and tells us this is his big chance. After a quick breath check, he decides he needs to double up on the gum and mints. It's just too bad he didn't double up on the Cold-Eeze, as we'll soon see.

It's time for the dates. First up are Brittany and Ankur. Brittany is amazed at all the little differences between the two of them: "I like Diet Coke and he likes this fruity stuff," she says. "And he doesn't like fruity perfume, and I have fruity perfume." I bet this is just what the conversations during dinner at Stephen Hawking's house sound like. Only more metallic and robotish. Speaking of robots, Ankur tells Brittany the reason he doesn't date is because he's been busy concentrating on this research and studies. "Making a small robot?" asks Brittany. "Yes," he says, adding with a maniacal chuckle, "A small girl robot." Brittany later tells Ankur she had such a good time tonight she's going to start making guys take her to dinner instead of a movie on the first date, prompting millions of cheap single guys across America to weep openly. Thanks a lot, Ankur.

Sarah says she's not nervous about her date with Joe, as she's totally comfortable around him. Unfortunately, she's not as comfortable around his runny nose. Joe doesn't know the proper etiquette for blowing one's nose at the dinner table, and decides to hock a few boogies into his expensive dinner napkin. Over and over and over again. Understandably, this throws Sarah off a bit. As does Joe's offer to let her try some of his dinner; the same dinner he's been blowing his nose over all night. (I believe he was eating Chicken ala Phlegm.) Sarah says this could really turn her off in the world, because if there's one thing Sarah hates, it's mucus.

Jennipher and Josh's date goes a little better. She starts off by asking him about his murse. Josh says he doesn't like to have "bulging pockets" and he just finds the murse to be more practical. Of course, he is afraid someone is going to steal it, and he'll have to yell, "Stop! That man stole my purse!" First Woody Allen and now Jerry Seinfeld? Is there a Jewish comic this guy won't steal material from? Josh tells Jennipher he hasn't had a date in five years, to which she replies that he just needs to be more obvious. "Sometimes, women just don't get it," she says. I'm not sure, but I think she just told Josh to be a stalker.

Cher admits again to being nervous about her date with Wes, and it shows. At one point, she toasts to getting him drunk and him putting out. Wes says it seemed they were trying too hard to have a good first date, when they're already well past that. Fortunately, the date is soon over, and they get right back to spooning.

It's time for tonight's first challenge. The Geeks still don't know what the Challenge is going to be. As Joe says, "we've already done karaoke and decorated a room, so I have no idea what could be left to do at this point." Obviously, Joe has forgotten about Lambada, The Forbidden Dance! Unfortunately, my hopes for a dance-off are dashed as the Geeks meet Host Mike Richards in a photo studio, where he tells them they'll be directing a photo shoot with their Beauties. But not just any photo shoot. A fashion photo shoot, where the Geeks will serve as both photographer and fashionographer. (I made that up.) Not only will they be taking the photographs, they'll also be selecting the clothes (an evening gown and lingerie), as well as deciding on hair and makeup.

When Joe shows Brittany the outfits he's picked for her, she says it's too bad she didn't wear her "good" bra. "Uhm, yeah…" is Joe's awkward response. Joe gets even soon enough, however, when he tells Brittany he wants to position the fan to blow her dress up, and later tells her since it's a closed set, she should think about taking her clothes off. Needless to say, it doesn't work. Maybe instead of pointing out it was a closed set, he just should've quoted the great lyricist, Nelly: "It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes. Bitch."

Josh is up next, and it's obvious he is totally out of his element. Although to be fair, I can't think of a situation where Josh wouldn't be out of his element. He does score points for best line of the night, however, when he gets so excited by Cher's posing he tells her he "should've worn a diaper." Cher, meanwhile, is not happy about wearing lingerie picked out by Josh, as he's "next to last" on the list of people she wants lingerie from. Number one? A tie between her dad and this guy.

Ankur tells us the only experience he has with lingerie was ordering an orange thong from Victoria's Secret for a mud-wrestling competition. Since he doesn't say if he was in the competition or just watching it, I'm going to say Ankur has a thing both for wearing banana-hammocks and wrestling in them. Jennipher says no to Ankur's suggestion of glittery green eye shadow, and is confused by his direction to run away from something while smiling.

Finally, Wes picks out clothes that make Sarah look like Madonna in her Material Girl phase. Only less slutty and more uncomfortable. Sarah has this to say about Wes' photography skillz: "A stranger, who lives in Africa, who's shooting from the U.S., could take a better picture of me." I don't understand it either, but she said it with such conviction that I believe her.

Now the Geeks have to choose one photo from each outfit to submit to the judges: Kal Yee, a celebrity photographer; Kristin Young, the feature fashion editor of Angelino magazine; Elycia Rubin, author of Frumpy to Foxy in 15 minutes Flat; and Todd Hallman, celebrity stylist. Joe has his work reviewed first. Everyone has positive things to say about his shot of Brittany. Todd Hallman is an especially big fan of Joe's body. Of work! His body of work! They tell Ankur he picked a good color for Jennipher. Wes gets low grades because Sarah looks too uncomfortable. Finally, Josh also gets bad marks for not paying enough attention to Cher's body positions. Joe wins by unanimous decision. That means he and Brittany are safe from the Elimination Chamber yet again.

The next day it's time for the Beauties' challenge. They're told to meet Host Mike Richards sans makeup, nice clothes or hair product. He tells the gathered women it's no secret they're beautiful, and are probably used to getting drinks for free. "But what would happen if we took those assets away?" he asks. YES! Host Mike Richards is totally going to reenact the "Pride" scene from Se7en. I knew we couldn’t trust this guy! Unfortunately, he's just going to make the Beauties wear some ugly clothes and beg for drinks at the House of Blues. The winner will be the one who gets the most free drinks at the end of an hour. (Unfortunately, I couldn't get a very good shot of their outfits, so you'll have have to take my word for it that they were quite fugly indeed. Although I'm sure Santino would've loved at least two of them.)

Jennipher goes all out, just ordering people to buy her drinks. Sarah offers to let a man tie her top. Judging by the creep factor of the guys in this bar, she'd have had more luck offering to let them tie her tubes. Brittany and Cher don't do much better. Poor Sarah and Cher are the most upset by the challenge. Both comment on the lame excuses the guys give to avoid buying them a drink, and Sarah says it felt like she was getting her heart ripped out by strangers. The girls agree it's a very humbling and depressing experience, and better understand how the Geeks must feel whenever they go out. Jennipher ends up winning the Challenge with a total of five drinks, despite looking like, in her words, a "librarian on crack." So now she and Ankur are also safe from Elimination. Since there are only four teams left, that means it's Cher and Josh versus Sarah and Wes.

Back at the house, the Beauties meet the Geeks in the backyard, still wearing their ugly outfits. The producers load this segment with a lot of talk about "feelings," which I totally fast-forwarded through. Although this shot of Ankur half-wearing a dress was intriguing. We also get a montage of Wes and Cher's time in the house, as one of these two star-crossed lovers will be going home after the challenge.

Time for the Elimination Ceremony. The Beauties will be quizzed on things guys like to talk about, while the Geeks will have to answer questions on fashion. This is usually the most boringest part of the show, and tonight was no exception. The only real highlight was Sarah guessing that "GQ" stood for "Men's Fashion". Seriously. Needless to say, Josh and Cher were victorious once again. We're treated to one last montage of Wes and Sarah's time in the house, and then Wes and Sarah are sent packing.

So what did you think of this week's episode? Of the three teams left (Josh/Cher, Ankur/Jennipher, Joe/Brittany), who do you think will win?

Posted by at 4:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

I hope everyone's been enjoying Presidents Day Weekend 2006. I know I am. Granted, I didn't exactly have a three-day weekend from my day job (yes, I do have a day job. Although, technically, it's a night shift, but... you get it), but somewhere between Thursday and this moment I did catch the latest episode of Survivor, and I'm happy to report that Exile Island continues to work mighty fine as a season. Solid cast, solid challenges, and solid twists. Who could ask for more? Sorry, did that sound cheesy? Must be all those Presidents Day Toyota commercials rubbing off on me.

This week's big shew opened up with wayward Mr. Miyagi clone Bruce (RIP Pat Morita) joining Casaya, taking the place of recently ejected Melinda (RIP sweet, plump woman). The tribe couldn't have been happier to receive the fresh blood. After all, they had been pretty useless around camp, especially seeing that up until that point, their wilderness expertise resided in Courtney, bestower of elaborate tortoise funerals. Well, Bruce had great news for Casaya: "You just got the most important person of everybody." Ego much? Look, Bruce, we love your can-do attitude, but are you really the most important person of everybody? What about Jeff Probst? Or Mark Burnett? Or God??

Oh, I can't be mad at Bruce. He really is the best. Nevertheless, the Most Important Person of Everybody, or MIPOE (not to be confused with the country of Meepos), revealed a secret trick to preparing water: filtering it through three t-shirts. Oh. Wonderful. Sounds totally sanitary... in a non-sanitary, disgusting sort of way. Listen, no offense to anyone, but the last thing I want is my drinking water seeping through the same cloth that's soaked up the sweat from Shane, Cirie, Courtney -- or even worse -- ALL THREE! But don't worry, this special method is sure to rid 90% of the water's bacteria. Great. So you have to endure all that nasty filtration and then on top of that still risk cholera. Bruce, you suck now. Unless, of course, you somehow cause Shane to contract a worm. Then you're awesome again.

Speaking of Shane, he was not happy that there was another alpha-male on the tribe, especially one that had a nineteen years of wilderness training. Whatever, Bruce. Big deal. Shane has nineteen years of cigarette training. So there! "It grates on my nerves," Shane said of Bruce's pedigree, adding, "I just want him to shut up!" Seriously, there just aren't enough words to describe how annoying Shane is. I can't stand the guy, and yet, sadly, he's the perfect villain. And you know he's going to just get more and more paranoid and ridiculous, sort of like Jamie from last season (who incidentally I totally saw on Parental Control two weeks ago. He played the asshole boyfriend -- surprise, surprise. No mention of Survivor on the show, but he was labeled as an aspiring model. We'll let him know if there's ever a second season of Manhunt).

Anyhoo, back to the show. Despite its dubious scientific merits, Bruce's filtration method won over the tribe. Courtney did have a few reservations though. "I'm shocked and awed that this method actually gets bacteria out of the water," she said. Well, technically, it doesn't. I could just imagine Bruce piping up and saying, "Yeah, it totally works. Whenever I take students camping, nine out of ten kids don't come down with massive, explosive diarrhea."

The next morning, we headed over to La Mina, where food was hard to come by. This was represented by a nasty snail slowly creepin' along. And when I say nasty, I really mean it. This thing looked like it had just traveled through a pile of soot -- which may or may not have happened, actually. Anyway, we then saw the gaunt and emaciated Ruth Marie who looked like she just emerged from... well... would I be a bad Jew if I made a Holocaust joke? Probably. So I'll just move on. We then saw Misty who appeared to be the All You Can Eat Midnight Smorgasbord for all the island's insects. Blotchy would be an understatement. I don't understand why the bugs liked her so much whereas Sally was traipsing around as if she'd just stepped out of a Noxema commercial.

Oh Sally. Sally, Sally, Sally. Because of her, La Mina had no fishing spear. As a result, they had to fish the old-fashioned way. I mean the old-fashioned way -- a spool of wire and a hook and that's it. Medieval, as Nick said. The good news was that the guys were able to catch one fish after another. The bad news was that they were all poisonous puffer fish. Now, I've seen puffer fish before in books and nature specials, but there was something disturbing and oddly gross about watching the poor fish bloat up there on the raft. It looked like it might pop and be all nasty -- especially when one of the guys began poking it with a stick. Make it stop! Make it stop! Toss it back in the sea!

Luckily, Terry caught a tiny fish which was predictably named Nemo (funny, I don't remember that fish being eaten by humans in the Disney version. Must have been the director's cut). I don't know how Terry managed to hook Nemo, but I imagine the fish was drawn to his entrancing yellow shirt with purple, vertical stripes. Anyway, the tribe dined on the flesh of Nemo's corpse -- lucky fin and all -- and at the Reward Challenge, they appeared reinvigorated and ready to compete. But then again, same went for Casaya who had been restored to life now that Bruce was on board. "We feel a hell of a lot bettah... Bruce is the save-yah [savior]," Danielle said in that oh-so-familiar Boston accent. Hey Ambah, check out the new girl on Survivah!

Anyway, for this week's reward challenge, teams had to catch balls that would be launched through the air via a sling shot device. Three people per team would launch, while the other four would stand on a platform in the ocean. First team to five catches would win. And what were they playing for, you ask? Oh, just a tarp, lanterns, blankets, and pillows. Memo to La Mina, if you win, don't let Sally touch that shit. It'll be at the bottom of the ocean faster than you can say "Fishing Spear."

Well, this reward challenge proved to be quite exciting, and full of flashy (and splashy) catches. For the first round of activity, Terry caught a ball for La Mina while Aras missed for Casaya. Ooh, Aras. Tough break. Maybe you should have visualized the ball's energy and accepted its place in the universe, creating a sense pattern of connectivity with which to draw the magnetic aura into your hands. Either that, or just make sure the launcher has better aim. Yeah, that.

For the next round, Aras managed to catch a ball, but so did Terry. Oh wait, Terry missed the ball! But he deflected it right into the hands of Nick. Ooh, close call! 2 - 1, La Mina.

Round three brought another Terry catch as well as one by Danielle (that was a wicked good catch. She could play outfield for the Milwaukee Brewahs!), thus bringing the score to 3-2, La Mina. Just when it seemed like La Mina would take this one home, Terry wound up missing a ball while Shane made a crazy catch for Casaya (and yes, I mean "crazy catch" in all senses of the phrase). With the score now tied, La Mina then missed their next ball, but Shane caught another, taking Casaya to the lead with 4-3. Next round, however, Terry made an absolutely insane diving catch, thus tying up the score.

So now it was do or die. Sudden death. Extra innings. You get the point. The balls were launched and Terry caught his ball for La Mina. As for Casaya, Shane dove for the ball, but missed (ha, you suck, Shane). As a result, La Mina won their third straight challenge. Not only did they receive special prizes, but they also got to pick who from Casaya would be headed to Exile Island. I personally was hoping they'd pick Shane -- just because I'd love to see him crumble on his own -- but instead, La Mina took a much more diabolical route. They selected Bruce, simply because he had apparently raised the spirits of the tribe so much. But hey, if there's anyone suited to spend another night on Exile Island, it's Bruce. We might as well rename it Bruce Island right now. And you know, as long as there's not another violent thunderstorm, I'm sure he'll be fine.

Cut to a violent thunderstorm. Yes, it was raining. It was pouring. An old man most likely was snoring. At La Mina, everything was fine and dandy. The tarp fit the shelter perfectly and everyone was as happy as clams. "Hey guys, you know, let's think about Bruce for a minute," Terry said at one point, adding, "I just kind of feel bad for the guy." Aw, that's nice. And I'm sure Bruce really appreciated that sympathy while he struggled to sleep in his shelter, a.k.a. the small, canvas map he had since placed on his head. Seriously, though, how did he even get any sleep? Is it possible to fall asleep outside in a thunderstorm? Poor guy.

The next morning at Casaya, Courtney boiled some water while Shane sat on a little stump nearby. "This is my 'Shane's thinking seat,'" he said lightheartedly.

"Why's it have to be yours?" Courtney joked.

"Because I picked it. You want this one? I'll go get ANOTHER ONE!" Shane replied, his voice suddenly switching from good-natured banter to angry possessiveness. "I WANT MINE! THIS ONE!! YOU WANT THIS ONE, I'LL GO GET ANOTHER ONE!! I JUST WANT MINE!!" he yelled. I couldn't tell if he was joking or simply losing it. Either way, it was most likely very awkward for everyone involved. Do they laugh? Do they get serious? It's a very annoying predicament -- one that invariably always ends with people smiling disingenuously until they can quietly escape the entire conversation in general.

"I'm in an alliance with three nutballs," Aras then commented to us. Man, if that's Aras saying that, then you know things are bad on the tribe. Soon, Shane's persnickety attitude caused random bickering with Courtney about the pot of boiling water. All Cirie could do was sit back and enjoy her tribe's total implosion. "The funny thing is these are the peopel that you guys decided to ally with. And now you hate each other. How stupid is that?" she asked us incredulously. At first I wasn't so sure about Cirie -- after all, she did mastermind Tina's ouster -- but let's be realistic: Cirie is pretty awesome. If she can undermine Shane's dumb alliance, I'll be very happy. And it might not be too hard. Shane and Courtney were already at each other's necks. "I don't know how I'm going to get through this with you," he scoffed, walking away from his tribemate at one point. I shouldn't say "walking way." More like he performed his "I gotta take a crap/freshly sodomized" waddle.

We then cut to commercial break, and when we returned, our old friend, the scampering crab, greeted us as he tried to dodge the unwanted advances of an aggressive wave. Oh, the rampant symbolism!! Meanwhile, over at La Mina, Misty was using her feminine wiles to win over Austin and Nick. In this case, that meant offering up free massages, which I'm sure were greatly appreciated. But I think any erotic value was lost somewhere between Misty and her bite-ridden face. Still, that didn't stop the missile engineer from giving it her the old college try, and as she kneaded Austin's tender back muscles, Sally happily told us, "We work well together because she has like that Southern like flirty charm, and I'm just like the pal." So in other words, you're the one that no one's attracted to. Either that, or you're the one that has absolutely no flirting abilities whatsoever. It's all cool, Sally.

At this week's super duper über-physical immunity challenge, Jeff presented the teams with five large circles in the sand -- just like Belinda Carlisle always predicted. They DO go 'round and 'round! Anyway, in each circle was buried a bag that the tribes would have to dig up and bring back to their finish mats. One catch: this was head to head, which meant members from each tribe would be facing off and competing over that same bounty. Whoever managed to get one hand on the bag and one body part on the finish mat would win a point for their tribe. First to three points would win.

Survivors ready? GO! (I just did the Jeff Probst hand thing.)

First round was all women. Or should I say, all woman. Cirie absolutely dominated this round -- pushing, pulling, clawing. At one point, she actually just sat on poor Sally, surely cracking some SallyRibs™ in the process. Nevertheless, the women tangled together in a fine mess, but like King Kong battling past all those pesky helicopters and tanks, Cirie ultimately emerged from the pack, winning Casaya a point.

The next round was all men, and in a surprising development, Terry managed to pin down the hulking Bobby for the entire round. Granted, Terry's had military training and probably could have snapped Bobby's neck at any minute, but it was still an impressive feat. Is Terry the new Tom? Anyway, it all came down to Nick versus Bruce, and as devoted as Bruce was to ka-ra-tay, his tackling skills still needed some work. Nick quickly sprinted past the old guy and scored for La Mina.

With the score tied at one apiece, Probst then sent out a mixed group of people. Shane promptly tackled Dan, tossing the astronaut's body like an intergalactic tumbleweed. The round proceeded rather intensely with the bag constantly changing ownership. Ultimately, Casaya seemed to dominate as Aras and Shane continued the pass off the bag to each other. Eventually, Shane managed to lurch to his finish mat, surely en route to another Casaya point, but then Austin knocked the guy to the right, grabbed the bag and just barely touched his mat. La Mina wins the point! In your face, SHANE!

For the next round, six people headed out to the fourth circle, and immediately, they were all up in each other's business. This was a people pile if I've ever seen one. Jeff Probst likened it to one monster game of Twister, which wouldn't be totally inaccurate. Once again, Cirie proved to be quite the aggressor as she flung Misty from the pile like an old rag doll. Eventually, Aras seemed to have a strong hold on the bag, but someone had clamped down on it with her legs. So what did Aras do? Just his Jedi Yoga Trick. He grabbed the woman's leg and applied some sort of pulsating pressure, causing it to coil back reflexively. Oh, that Aras is very powerful. He then snatched the bag and won another point for Casaya, thus tying up the game once again.

Like the reward challenge, we now came down to a do or die situation. One man and one woman from each tribe headed out to the final circle in the sand, and almost immediately, Ruth Marie and Danielle found themselves all over each other. In an odd move, Ruth Marie actually mounted Danielle like a praying mantis, but the Bostonian quickly remedied the situation by slamming Ruth Marie down, head first in the sand. Wow, she's a real slammah! Nevertheless, the group wrestled and wrestled until finally, Ruth Marie somehow wound up with the bag. With a look of pure adrenaline, fear, and intensity on her face, she sprinted for her mat as if her very life depended on it. Victory was hers! Nothing was going to stop her! The field was wide open! But then suddenly, Bobby barreled down on Ruth Marie, grabbed her shirt, and easily pulled her over to his mat. With one quick move, he touched the bag and his mat, thus stealing immunity right out from under La Mina's nose. Ha, that was awesome. And yes, I'm sure there will be many academics who will analyze this scene for the latent stereotypical roles coincidentally perpetuated -- big black man chasing down weak white woman. Then again, I suppose any scene can be construed to fit tired stereotypes: aggressive white man pinning down the black man (Terry vs. Bobby), vampy woman using her wanton sex appeal on an unsuspecting male (Misty vs. Austin), idiotic freak using his neuroses to annoy us all (Shane vs. humanity). So thought provoking!

Well, after the challenge, La Mina had to figure out who would be going home. It was a pretty tricky situation, at least for Austin and Nick who had found themselves torn between allegiances with Terry and Dan and Misty and Sally. The older guys thought that Ruth Marie should go... that is until Austin suggested that they vote off Misty. Uh oh. Doesn't sound very promising for women. Dan and Terry agreed that Misty was the larger threat and resolved to oust her. We then saw a random image of a snake baring its fangs for the camera. I know this was supposed to look scary or dangerous, but I found it oddly amusing. It was such a small, little snake. It kind of felt like it was just saying "Hi!" But maybe that's just me.

Anyway, after this serpentine greeting, we then caught up with Misty and Sally who were scheming with Austin's better half, Nick. They wanted either Ruth Marie or Dan out, but the common consensus was that everyone liked Dan too much to get rid of him. Clearly, it was Ruth Marie's time to go. And for good reason. The woman was a mess. We then caught a glimpse of her stumbling through camp, clearly having shed another twenty pounds in the past hour or so. She had to have known that she was in trouble, and yet, she didn't seem to bother campaigning for herself. Then again, such activities would clearly violate her three words per episode quota. At one point, she did sit down next to Terry and look like she might say something, but all she did was merely part her lips a bit and remain silent. Classic Ruth Marie.

At Tribal Council, the group babbled a bit about how hungry they were and whatnot, leading Jeff to instigate by asking about the fishing spear. "We had a little incident with the spear," Austin respond. Thanks, SALLY. Later, Jeff asked Misty about her thoughts on the tribe, and she replied, "I expected to have the little sects of people." But if you were like me, you thought she said, "I expected to have a little sex with people." Thank goodness for Tivo. That would have totally changed my opinion of Misty. She then happily announced that when it came to La Mina, "We really are a team!" Yeah, a team with three different alliances. Yay faux unity!

Well, it was finally time to vote, and while it seemed only logical that Ruth Marie would be going, I had a funny feeling about this whole thing. I mean, Misty was clearly the misdirection, right? Why would the younger guys vote against her? If everyone votes for Ruth Marie, it buys Nick and Austin a little more time to pick which alliance they'll side with. No, this was totally it for Ruth Marie.

Once everyone was done scrawling out names on parchment, Jeff revealed the votes. Ruth Marie. Misty. Ruth Marie. Misty. Tied. That was somewhat expected, but to be honest, I also kind of expected a unanimous Ruth Marie vote. Anyway, Jeff read the next vote and it was... Misty! Holy shit! The misdirection was true! And no one was more shocked than Misty. Well, actually, Sally looked pretty bamboozled. That's always a great Survivor moment when someone realizes they're next in the firing line.

Anyway, after another vote, Misty was officially voted off the island, which saddened me because I loved her scheming ways. Had she been around longer, she could have unleashed Rob Cesternino levels of sneaky destruction. But wait! Maybe she will be around longer. Did she find the secret immunity idol on Exile Island? No. Blast.

And so Misty headed off to the Survivor afterlife. As for Jeff Probst, well, he had his typically needling closing comment: "Even in the tightest of groups, somebody is always on the outside." That's you, Sally! Next time, don't lose the fishing spear.

What did you think? Sad to see Misty go? Did they make the right choice? How can Sally claw out of this corner?

Posted by at 3:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (36)

The new season of Survivor really snuck up on me, so I didn't have time to do the customary contest, but that doesn't mean we can't get in the mood for The Amazing Race. Yes, in one week, Phil is back, and now that the teams are back down to a more manageable size, we expect a return to greatness. To celebrate the return of The Amazing Race(Check local listings.), we though we would have a contest for our readers to pick the winners. If you missed out on your chance to win authentic TVgasm merchandise from any of our other challenges, you still have time to take part in this little giveaway fever we've been having the last month or so.

The Rules:

1. Go to the Amazing Race 9 homepage, and review the teams.

2. Choose the three teams you think will finish one, two, and three overall.

3. E-mail your answers to amazingrace@tvgasm.com, with the subject Amazing Race Challenge.

The winner, to be announced at the end of the season , will be the person who gets the three final teams, and the overall winner of The Amazing Race correct. In the event that more than one person gets the correct answers, the tiebreaker will be who picked the second and third place teams correctly as well. If more than one person has all three correct, the person who e-mailed their answers first will be awarded the winner. For their great victory, the lucky individual will receive one free item from the TVgasm store.

Only one entry per person/e-mail address will be accepted, and TVgasm will never give away your name or e-mail to anybody. Entries will be accepted until 9PM Eastern on Tuesday, February 28. Any questions or comments e-mail amazingrace@tvgasm.com.
And don't forget to check TVgasm for all of the recaps.

Posted by at 1:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

This week on Smallville, we got a little preview into the issues that are going to dominate the last part of the season, but first we had to introduce another friend of Clark Kent. With the show getting on in years, and original story lines harder to come by, the writers can always dip into the Superman comics to find characters that are eventually in Clark's life. It really started in earnest last year with some villains and of course, the flash. This year we got Milton Fine, AKA Braniac, and the Aquaman episode was so successful, it possibly spawned it's own series. It's nice to know that he has so much help saving the world, but the person that Clark Really needs to meet is Chuck Woolery, because Clark's real problem is with his Love Connection. I wonder if there is anybody out there that could help him with both?

As with many Smallville episodes, this one starts out in a secret lab. In Smallville, all of the secret labs are somehow going to be evil, even if they have good intentions. I can't really tell what this secret lab is all about, but there seems to be a bunch human body parts. You begin to wonder what they could be building and we soon get our answer when generic Asian scientist man sneaks in, injects something into this black kid that was locked in a cage, and then apologizes for all of the bad things that he did. Superhero 101 tells us that if this kid kills the scientist that let him out, he will be a bad guy, but this black kid, who looks like a shorter version of Taye Diggs, does nothing so he has to be a good guy.

Unfortunately, when generic Asian scientist let his people, er, person go, the alarm sounded, meaning the security for the secret lab was going to be in hot pursuit. This black kid is so fast, he is easily able to outrun the security through a maze of what looks to be some sort of huge personal container storage. I'm not *that* impressed, because he is fast, but not like the Flash. So, what makes him so special? Well, for one, he was able to run right through four inches of metal that was supposed to keep everybody inside. I'm not sure what budget these people have, but if I am doing some bionics to Taye Diggs, my secret lab would be underground, just to avoid this type of problem.

This guy might have had a nice simple life if he didn't happen to be traveling down the same road as Lana Lang, who hits him with her truck. Black kid is not hurt, but we can't say the same about Lana, or her truck. Luckily, black kid is nice enough to help Lana to the hospital, even though it would be very bad news for anybody to know about his abilities. I mean, there are probably more than a few people in this world that could take a hit like that, thanks to the Kryptonite and whatnot, but it's still better to lay low.

Although I have had the feeling that Lana and Clark have been growing farther apart, he is the first one that she calls. When Clark hears that she was in an accident, he gets to the hospital fast. So fast, in fact, that Lana actually wonders why it didn't take him long. If only she had been paying attention the last five years, she might have caught on that Clark moves around pretty well. She doesn't dwell on the issue, but instead tells Clark about this kid that she should have run over and killed, but was walking around like nothing happened. You can understand why Clark was worried, because when you hear about indestructible people, you never know what could happen. The chances of the person being friendly aren't that great, and if the person is another evil Kryptonian like Milton Fine or the disciples of Zod, well, everybody has a problem.

Clark catches up to the black kid, which is awesome, because Clark recognizes him. His name is Victor Stone, and he used to play wide receiver for Metropolis High. His career was cut short by a tragic accident that killed him. That's right, it killed him. As much as Victor liked a familiar face, he had to be evading the police, not sitting around and talking. It pains him, but Victor has no choice but to throw Clark up against a wall so he can get away. Clark hits the wall, and does a lot of damage to the building, but Victor is just as surprised to see Clark get up without a scratch on him. Clearly Clark was made of something different as well. Now that he knows that Lana wasn't lying, Clark decides to take a little x-ray peak himself, and what he sees is sure to surprise anybody.

By now, Victor wasn't scared of Clark, and he decided to go with Clark back to Smallville and hangout in the Kent barn. And that is when Victor decided to tell his sad tale. Victor and his family died in a car accident, and he expected to wake up and be sitting in heaven with them, but obviously he didn't die. Instead, he woke up in a lab run by a company called Syntechnics, which had been experimenting on many bodies. Victor had the dubious honor of being the first one to survive all of the work. He was there against his will, and without generic Asian doctor, he wouldn't have been able to escape.

Hearing about Syntechnics was all that Clark needs to know in order to help. He's going to find out about the company and make them pay. He makes it back to Metropolis in time to hear Lana and Chloe discussing Victor. They also note his likeness to Taye Diggs, and Chloe says that she might be into to tall, dark, and bionic if he was into blondes. I'm tall, dark, and have some scars, so maybe I have a chance. Besides, Victor is already taken. Yes, his girlfriend Katherine still thinks that he is dead. He wants to see her, but he is worried that she won't treat him the same after she finds out he is so different. The last thing Victor wants is for her to stop loving him because he is a freak. Hmm, this is really beginning to sound like somebody we know. When Lana hears about his girlfriend, she wonders if Victor was just planning on lying to her and hope that she just doesn't find out. Wow, this really is a lot like somebody we know.

The big news about this little meeting of the minds, however, was that Syntechnics was owned by none other than our favorite evil conglomerate, Luthorcorp. That means that Clark will have to see Lex. At the mansion, Clark does his normal routine by throwing around the accusations, and Lex does his normal routine denying all of the accusations. Syntechnics was a company that was recently acquired by Luthorcorp, so Lex might actually have a point. Whatever it is, Clark vows to get to the bottom of everything.

While Clark was out talking tough, Lana visited Victor, and she was talking soft. After she heard that Victor was missing a chance to be with his girlfriend, she just had to tell him that he was making a mistake. Lana tells Victor that he has a chance to tell the truth to the woman he loves, or lie to her. I am sure that she had a lot of other things to say, but her little chat was interrupted by the Syntechnics SWAT team. Clark gets there in time to knock them all out, but not before they are able to shoot Victor in the arm. They built Victor pretty well, but they didn't make him bullet proof, or at least not his shoulder. Clark and Lana are able to move Victor to the Talon, figuring that although Clark's mom runs the place and Lana used to live there, they would never look for Victor there. He may be safe from the SWAT team, but he is leaking fluid from his power cell. His bionics are so integrated with his body that if his power cell fails, he will die as well.

He's going to feel that one in the morning.

Looks like the only way to save Victor is to find the doctor who saved him. We now know generic Asian scientist as Dr. Hong. To tell you the truth, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that Syntechnics had bugged Dr. Hong's house and would be waiting for Clark, but maybe they didn't have to go that far. Clark looked into Dr. Hong's garage and discovered that he had killed himself by sitting in his car while it was running. Well, either that, or somebody helped him along with it. Somehow, Lex also found his way to Dr. Hong's house. After Clark tipped him off, he started to look into Syntechnics and discovered that it wasn't really up to ethical standards. Lex wants to help Victor, and considering there aren't that many people that have the technology to keep Victor from dying, Clark decides that he can trust Lex.

Clark decides to go back to Victor at the Talon, but found out that he went to his girlfriend's house. Stupid Lana, she can't even keep a heartsick bionic man away from the love of his life. In truth, there wasn't much that she could have done to stop him, but she should have tried harder. Clark knew that the first place they would look for Victor is his old girlfriend's house, and he was right. When Victor gets there, stumbling from all of the, well whatever that was that was coming out of him, he finds that Syntechnics is waiting for him. They have Katherine, and the only way he'll be able to see her is if he goes back to the lab with them.

I would have thought that Katherine's house would have been an easy place to guess to look for Victor along with the graves of his family, and his old house, but they had a little bit of help. Lex told them where to find it, so I guess Clark was wrong to trust him. Hmm, it's not often when Lex completely lies to Clark, but this was one of them. Perhaps he didn't know about Syntechnics before, but when he found out what they were doing, he wasn't about to shut down the project. Instead, he wanted to make sure that Victor, which signifies an investment even more than six million dollars, would be able to stay alive. Oh, and just in case he started getting all bleary eyed about his past life, Syntechnics was going to implant a chip in his brain that removed all of his emotion. Inserting the chip was much easier than having them watch Lana and Clark talk about their feelings; that's how I learn about acting with no emotion. I've got a million of the folks.

Now, we all know that the chip never had a chance of being put into Victor's head. Clark saved him from the operating table and the two of them were able to escape. Victor filled him in on how Clark had just missed Lex saying that Victor basically belonged to Luthorcorp. This pisses Clark off enough that he goes to visit Lex, who has a few questions of his own, like how Victor was able to escape from the lab. Clark doesn't even deny that he had something to do with it. Lex lies about how he was involved, saying that anything Victor heard was wrong because he was under anesthesia. He is also a little upset that Clark doesn't realize the good work Syntechnics is doing. Their research will go to help people with amputations and many other serious injuries. Some medical miracles might cost a lot of money, but that doesn't make them any less profound.

Everything is going pretty well, but there is only one thing to make this more perfect. You knew Katherine must have thought it strange when Syntechnics came to her house and took her away. By the way, did anybody wonder where her parents where? No matter, because now she was safe, and although Syntechnics was still looking for Victor and my guess would have been following every move she makes, she heads to Smallville and visits Victor in the Kent's barn. And although it was Victor's greatest fear in the world to be rejected by her, she was only happy to see him alive. He was different but they loved each other and she accepted it.

Of course we have heard this story before, because we have sort of had an hour-long reminder about Clark and Lana's relationship. When Lana visits Clark later that day, she asks him why he always hides what she is really feeling, and then acknowledges a little fact we have all caught onto long ago, namely that Clark and Lana just keep going around in circles and can't move forward. Admitting you have the problem is the first step, but they can't get much past that. Instead, we get the "do you love me" routine, followed by the "I've always loved you" routine, and Lana leaves one again. Will it ever be like it was before? I would try and answer that question, but you know they'll ask us again in a few weeks.

It was fun to meet Victor, who as I said before appears in Superman comics. His character is known as Cyborg, and although they didn't mention it specifically, I think they did a good job adapting the character to the Smallville universe. If Clark ever needs to get his Justice League friends together, I'm sure he would want Victor to be there.

There was another element to this episode, however, and it had to do with Martha Kent. She decided to take Jonathan's senate seat, and almost immediately, she gets her first blackmail demand. Somebody has video of Clark rescuing a body from burning building. Martha doesn't have the money, and is about to pay the guy off when Lionel Luthor comes by. They were set to have a meeting about her decision to join the senate, and he noticed how bothered she seemed and followed her to the drop off point. Lionel scared away the guy who was asking for money and told Martha that he was going to take care of it, and take care of it he does.

Lionel told Martha that you can never give into demands of blackmailers, and she was thankful, but you knew that there had to be something in it for him. Although he said he was only interested in helping Martha, Lionel had his own interests, and rather than telling the guy never to bother Martha again, and breaking his toes off with a crowbar, Lionel simply buys the blackmail evidence away from the guy. Poor Martha, she thought she was burning up the only DVD copy that the guy had. For Lionel, it was the jackpot. Looking at the video in super slow motion, it shows Clark racing out of the fire holding Lana. Once again, he has proof that Clark is Kal-el, and the only question is what is he going to do with that knowledge. When he and Clark switched bodies, nobody could believe him. Now he had something that both Clark *and* his mother couldn't just ignore. Looks like Lionel Luthor is back with a vengeance.

Is anybody else surprised this is the only video of Clark our there?

What did you think of the episode? Was Victor Stone or Aquaman the best looking Clark sidekick this season? What will Lionel do with his new smoking gun?

Posted by at 9:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

I have to say, after a few lackluster episodes, Lost has regained itself in top form with this week's episode. No more hour-long character studies about people coping with their inner demons. OK, so this episode was a storyline about someone coping with their inner demons, but this guy's inner demon was about ripping people's fingers out with a pair of pliers, and that’s much more interesting than watching Sawyer con some middle aged hausfrau or Charlie bitch and moan about his heroin addiction. But we also get more clues towards the island mystery, which is what the show has been lacking for a while. And most of all, they continue what I think is the most fascinating part of the new season: the growing rift between the Jack and Locke camps. Not since the "Bo and Luke Duke/Coy and Vance Duke" debate have I seen such tension. Ultimately, however, this show was all about Sayid. And we all know there are only two things that he does well (other than banging aging collagen-filled actresses, that is). Chew bubble gum and torture people. And this week, he was all out of bubble gum.

I would like to first take a moment to formally petition the networks to please STOP greedily adding in three more minutes of commercials, forcing your shows to go from 9:00 to 10:03. For those of us blessed with TiVo’s, it totally screws up our recording schedules for the 10 o’clock hour, and we fast forward through the stupid commercials anyway.

But before we get to the recap let's take a look at what’s brewing on the net.

For those of you like me who can’t stand the character of Ana Lucia, her one-note performance and her wooden clenched teeth acting style, you are not alone. You know who else can’t stand her? The producers of the show, who want to kill her off because she is such a pain in the ass to work with. The most shocking thing about this article? The picture of her actually makes her look cute.

Also interesting to note that the Hanso foundation website, the source of many tantalizing clues, is now gone, and instead forwards you to a new website, www.4815162342.com . Check it out here. It looks like all it is is the official Lost forums, but knowing this show there may be other hidden things to find.

There is a Lost Wikicity up here. Wiki is an internet term for a kind of online encyclopedia that lets anyone add information to it. Wikipedia is the main site, and shockingly has no entry for TVgasm. Someone better get on that.

TV Guide has the Lost world atlas here.

Well, enough of that, let's get to the recap.

The show opens in a flashback. It’s Iraq and Sayid and a group of other Iraqi soldiers are frantically trying to destroy documents by burning them and using their shredder. Good to know a war torn Iraq (is there any other kind of Iraq?) still has room to buy paper shredders. They are soon interrupted by the Army who burst through the door and have everyone drop to the ground. USA! USA! For some strange reason two guys in the back are still shredding documents. When the army guy tells him that if he doesn’t stop he will fire, Sayid yells at them to stop. This lets the army guys know that he can speak English. They ask him where his commanding officer is. When Sayid says he left hours ago, he gets the business end of a rifle butt because as we all know, the Geneva conventions are quaint.

Later he is picked out of a lineup and brought to a sergeant who needs help with some translating. They also inform us that this is the first U.S.-Iraq war, and not the current one. Since the show is filmed in tropical Hawaii we are also treated to the first of many awkwardly low budget CGI shots of an Iraqi backdrop. Add in the fact that it was an overcast week of shooting in Hawaii and the whole thing doesn’t exactly scream desert. They need Sayid’s help in finding an Apache helicopter pilot who went down a few days ago. The only one that can help is Sayid’s former commanding officer, Tariq. The same one he just swore left town hours ago. You know, if you can’t trust an Iraqi prisoner of war to tell you the truth, who can you trust?

Back on the island in present day we see Sayid washing his face when Ana Lucia comes up to him asking where Jack is. Sayid asks why and Ana Lucia leads him into the jungle to show him that she has been tracking someone. At first glance it looks like it might be an Other. But if it was we’d never have seen them coming, so I’m gonna say it’s the French lady. Sayid tells Ana Lucia that he can handle it from here, and because of the whole “you shot the woman I love� thing between them, Ana Lucia agrees.

When Sayid confronts the person we see that it is in fact Danielle the crazy, and presumably smelly, French lady (ahh French jokes. Almost as easy as making fun of Belgians). When Sayid asks her what she is doing here, she says she is “looking for you.� She leads him further into the woods and Sayid says he doesn’t trust her, seeing as she’s insane and stole Claire’s baby. Danielle just says she has to show him something and in order to get him to go she hands him her rifle.

Back in the flashback Sayid is translating the between the Army captain and the Iraqi commander Tariq. He asks him to tell him where the pilot is. Tariq calls Sayid a disgrace and orders him to grab the man's gun and kill them all. So that would be a “no.� The American officer doesn’t like that answer and warns Sayid that if he doesn’t help him someone else will take over, and that someone else will not be as nice as he is. Sayid tells him that he can’t help him, to which the American officer walks out in disgust.

Back on the beach Sawyer is awakened in the middle of the day because a frog is keeping him up. OK, not the most thought-out of storylines but we can’t really have 30 minutes of an Iraqi flashback now can we? You know how much money it takes to make Honolulu look like Iraq?

Sawyer goes wandering off into the woods and stumbles upon Hurley, who is eating a 10 pound vat of ranch dressing. Yep, that’s right, the fat guy who made such a stink about rationing the food is stealing it for himself so he can remain dangerously obese. If I were on that island I’d be pissed, because I love ranch dressing. Especially Dharma Initiative ranch dressing. It’s got quite the tangy bite. Sawyer then makes a deal with him. If he can help him find the tree frog, he won’t tell anyone about his delicious 10 pounds of ranch dressing. Goes great with everything from french fries to chicken wings. Hurley even says that the Dharma ranch dressing is safe at room temperature for up to seven years. That has to be the greatest breakthrough in modern science in 50 years. God bless the Hanso Foundation.

Meanwhile, Sayid finally is brought to what it isthat Danielle was talking about. At first I thought it would be a new hatch, but it turns out its just a guy caught up in a net. But it’s a guy we’ve never seen before. Danielle thinks it's one of the Others and doesn’t want Sayid to cut him down. The man says his name is Henry Gale and he is from Minnesota. Sayid does in fact cut him down, and once the guy gets out of the net he makes a run for it. Bad idea, because then Danielle shoots him in the back with an arrow. She tells Sayid that she didn’t mean to kill him. If she did he would already be dead. He should take him back to her doctor, but remember that he will lie, she says. “For a long time, he will lie.� And it’s up to Sayid to get him to tell the truth.

Back in the flashback they bring Sayid to the new man in charge of the interrogation. The man is none other than the dreaded Immortal known as the Kurgan, who fought Connor McCloud to the death in Highlander. That movie rocks. He tells Sayid that he respects his loyalty but there is something he should know. His commanding officer Tariq was also in charge of gassing an entire city of men, woman and children. A city in which Sayid had relatives. He even shows him a videotape of the gassing, taped from Iraqi’s Funniest Home Videos. “You know what sarin gas does. No discrimination. The entire marketplace. Innocent women, children.� I have to say, living in such a racially charged society as we do, I’m glad there are some people and even a few deadly gases out there that don’t discriminate. Discrimination is bad.

The video leaves Sayid shaken and the nameless interrogator tells him that he respects loyalty, but not his unquestioning loyalty. Then Sayid asks him why he should believe him. The man tells him that they liberated his and Tariq’s personnel file. Which was really the whole point of the first Gulf War. Sure some people say it was because of oil, or because Saddam invaded Kuwait. But no, it was to liberate millions of personnel files forced to live under horrible conditions. They didn’t even organize them alphabetically for god's sake.

“Tariq will never talk to you,� Sayid says. “That’s why you’re gonna have to make him talk to you.� The man responds, showing him a wooden toolbox, which I’m guessing isn’t full of Cadbury cream eggs. But if anyone ever needed info from me that’s all it would take. I’d sell out my family for one of them Cadbury cream eggs! Sorry, Cadbury said they’d pay me twenty bucks if I wrote that.

In the hatch Sayid wakes up Locke, who is on number duty. He shows him the stranger with the arrow through his chest and tells him his story . “Minnesota, huh?� Locke says. “That’s the question isn’t it?� Sayid responds. He tells them that they will take the arrow out but he has to answer some questions first. Henry tells them that he and his wife crashed on the island while trying to cross the Pacific in a hot air balloon. Is there anyone that doesn’t get a chance to crash-land on this freaking island? Nigerian drug runners in a tiny 2 prop airplane, now a guy in a hot air balloon? Pretty soon it’ll be like Gilligan’s Island and astronauts will be showing up. I can’t wait to see Locke driving his bamboo car. He says that his wife died and they were living in a cave by the beach. Neither Locke nor Sayid believes them, but then Jack shows up, doing his full-on hero bit. Jack starts to treat the guy but Sayid warns him not to untie him.

On the great frog hunt Sawyer is throwing out some fat jokes at Hurley’s expense and calls him Babar, only he pronounces it “Bar-bar.� Hurley says that it’s “Bah-bar.� Actually, I always thought it was “Ba-bahr.� Anyways, Hurley then gets mad and lashes out at Sawyer. “Go ahead. Tell everyone the fat guy's been hiding ranch dressing. The fat guy likes to eat. I’m Fat! Fat! Fat! Fat! You think I don’t know that? These people like me.� This actually pissed me off. It's one thing for him to get defensive about someone making fat jokes, but if you were on a desert island and stealing food from everyone else because you selfishly want to stay fat, then I think you should really shut your mouth, and not just to keep food from going in.

Back in the hatch Jack is removing the arrow and dressing the hot air balloon guy’s wounds. In the corner Locke and Sayid are talking amongst themselves. Locke says the problem is there is no way they can know that he’s not telling the truth. “That’s not exactly true,� Sayid responds. He then tells Locke to change the combination on the armory, so that Jack doesn’t know it. Sayid’s gonna get his torture on, and he tells Locke that they both know that Jack will “have issues� with it. Jack is kind of a pussy. The fact that he shares his name with the greatest bad ass torture expert in the world, Jack Bauer, is just that much more of an insult.

Locke and Sayid both walk up to Jack and tell them that they think they should put him in the armory to be safe. “OK, for now.� Jack responds, acting as if he’s their elected leader who decides who does what. This is exactly the kind of attitude that made you lose the guns last week, buddy. Once they move the man in, Sayid closes the door and locks everyone out but him and his victim. Jack starts to bang on the door asking him what he’s doing. Sayid just answers coldly “What must be done� and then he ties his hair back which is the international torturer's symbol for “it’s on.�

Back in the Iraq Flashback Sayid is also about to torture. Only this one is special because he’s losing his torture cherry on Tariq. Tariq thinks he’s bluffing at first and even orders him to tie a bag over himself and commit suicide. Then he spits in Sayid’s face. I’ll give the guy points for originality. That’s not exactly the way I would handle he situation. I’d probably start with a few jokes, then some flattery. You know, whatever I gotta do to keep him from cutting my nuts off.

The next time we see Sayid he is walking out of the torture room and tells the nameless Army man that the pilot was executed and is buried in a field. He then hands him his box o'torture instruments and we see Sayid’s hands are covered in blood, which I’m assuming isn’t his.

Back in the hatch Jack is still acting like a little girl banging on the armory door. He asks Locke if he changed the lock (tee hee). Locke says that he did and Jack asks why. Locke responds by saying “You are raising an army. And why you didn’t ask me to help, well that’s your business. But there’s only one reason to raise an army Jack, and that’s because we are at war. And like it or not, whatever Sayid has to do behind that door, that’s a part of it too.�

In the hatch we see Sayid doing his work. He starts quizzing him on the details if his story. The man says he doesn’t understand why he’s asking these questions and why he doesn’t tell him what his name is. Then Sayid quietly tells him that he was a soldier, and he did things he never thought any man was capable of. “You asked me who I am. My name is Sayid Jarrah, and I am a torturer.� At this point the man's ass puckers up so tight you could crack a walnut on it.

Back in the jungle Sawyer and Hurley finally catch the stupid frog they’ve been chasing. Sawyer starts petting it, and when Hurley suggests that he take the frog somewhere far away. Sawyer responds by crushing the frog in his hand. OK, kinda gross, but Sawyer is the resident bad boy, and that’s what bad boys do. They kill frogs. I’m really not sure what the point of this whole frog chasing storyline is, but at least now it's over.

Outside the hatch Jack is acting like a whiny bitch. Locke tries to explain it but Jack just wants to take his marbles and go home. He goes over to the sink and asks where the pliers are. They are in the armory with Sayid.

Sayid continues to interrogate Henry. He asks him why he was flying in a balloon. Henry says it’s because he was rich and it was a dream of his. He asks about his wife’s death and what happened. He asks how deep in the ground he buried his wife, and Henry says he doesn’t remember. Sayid doesn’t believe him. He says that if you were burying the love of your life into the ground you would remember everything about it. And then he starts crying. Oooh, Sayid is working out some issues through torture. Hey, whatever works I guess. Henry makes the mistake of asking him if he lost someone, which sets Sayid off. He starts beating him mercilessly.

Outside the armory Jack is still acting like a little bitch and when he hears the screams he starts yelling at Locke to unlock the door. Locke refuses. Then we hear the beeping of the timer. Time is almost up and they have to enter the numbers. Jack then has an idea. He grabs onto Locke and says he won't let him enter the numbers unless he opens the door. The beeping goes into the louder version meaning they have less than one minute to go. “You would risk everyone’s lives?� Locke pleads. “I don’t think anything’s going to happen when we get down to zero. You wanna see what’s gonna happen? Let's just see what’s gonna happen.� Jack says. The beeping is getting louder and louder….

Locke finally relents and unlocks the door. Jack rushes in and grabs Sayid and drags him off of Henry. As Sayid looks in as the door is closing he sees Henry staring at him with a calm look in his eye and call me crazy, but from that moment on I am convinvced he is one of the Others. If he was just some rich guy on a balloon who just got tortured by an Iraqi torture expert, there's no way he would be that calm.

Oh yeah, he's guilty all right

As Locke rushes over to enter the code he has only a few seconds left and for a brief moment I got really pissed because I thought they would do one of those “he enters it at the last second thus saving us all� bits that would be a gip. But no. He doesn’t make it. The timer runs out just as he enters the last number but before he can hit enter. And what happens next is pretty cool. The timer counter starts spinning furiously. We hear giant turbine engines revving up all around them, then the counter turns from numbers to black and red tiles with hieroglyphics on them. Locke then quickly hits enter and the clock finally reverts back to the 108 minutes and everything goes back to normal. What happened? What was that noise? What did the hieroglyphics mean? Fret not dear reader, thousands of nerds everywhere are on the case. For a clearer image of the counter look here.

Jack meanwhile is castigating Sayid for torturing the complete stranger who just happened to land on the mystery island full of evil Others in a hot air balloon. Sayid says that he is lying. He is one of the Others. Jack doesn’t believe him and points out that Danielle thought the same of him when she tortured Sayid. “He is one of them. To Rousseau. We're all others. I guess it's all relative huh?� Locke says.

Which dovetails nicely with the final moments of Sayid’s flashback. They are leading him in a convoy out into the desert. The Army guy from the beginning asks if he has a wife and kids. Sayid shakes his head no and the man looks down at a picture of his kid in his hand. It’s a young Kate. So the army guy is Kate’s father.

As they grab him out of the truck the Kurgan shows up and tells him that it's over, they are pulling out and not going to Baghdad, so he will most likely go back to work for Saddam. “Guess you’re lucky you have a skill set you can use.� When Sayid expresses disgust at this the man goes to untie him, and in Iraqi, tells him
“One of these days there will be something you need to know. And now…. You know how to get it.�

“I will never do that again.� Sayid says. The man doesn’t believe him, tosses him some cash and they leave.

Back on the beach Sayid is talking to Charlie. He says that there is a man in the hatch. “I beat him badly.�

Why are you telling me this, Sayid?� Charlie asks. Sayid tells him that he knows Henry is a liar because he felt no guilt when he beat him, but there is no way he can explain that to Locke and to Jack, because both of them have forgotten.

"Forgotten what?� Charlie asks.

“That you were strung up by your neck and left for dead. That Claire was taken and kept for days and god knows what was done to her. That these people, these Others, are merciless and can take any one of us whenever they choose. So tell me Charlie. Have you forgotten?� And then the episode ends.

So what did everyone else think? Anyone out there know how to read hieroglyphics?

Posted by EdHIll at 5:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (69)

We here at T to the V to the G - A - S - M think a lot of cheerleading. Yours truly delivered an oral report on Crime and Punishment for AP English using only the cadence of several cheers used by my high school's squad. If you must know, yes, I lost a bet. While I may have been mocking the importance both Dostoevsky and cheerleading with my presentation, there are many out there who consider cheerleading one of the most rigorous sports out there, and now Lifetime is bringing you an inside look at Lexington Kentucky’s Dunbar High School cheerleading squad with Cheerleader Nation, a new reality series starting Sunday, March 12. Visit the official site for details.

While I think there are plenty of you who would care about the series, it also gives us a chance for another giveaway. If your brains are hurting too much from the scavenger hunt, maybe this new giveaway will be a little more your style. To enter the Cheerleader Nation giveaway, simply e-mail contests@tvgasm.com with the subject Cheerleader Nation. In the body of the message, include your favorite cheerleading moment from television or the movies. Perhaps it is Chloe taking a run at cheering in Smallville? Maybe it is James VanDerBeek getting an eyeful in Varsity Blues? Clearly any scene from Bring It On will work. Entries will be accepted until Friday, March 10, and we will pick the winners at random. First place is a $50 American Express Gift Card, and second and third place winners receive a Cheerleader Nation t-shirt and pom pom set. Remember, one entry per e-mail address/household, you must be eighteen to enter, and winners must live in the United States or Canada.

Posted by at 12:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

• Yesterday James Bond got a bad guy, and now there's a leading lady—willowy French thing Eva Green, most notable for flashing her little bonbons in Bertolucci's The Dreamers. I don't know much about her, but she seems like a French Penélope Cruz, which J-Unit wil LOVE. [BBC]
• In a riveting, tell-all interview with People magazine, Britney Spears compares herself to Princess Diana, says "nothing's been wow to me" in the music scene, and protests, "I sound bitter. I'm not bitter." Yeah, actually the words that spring to mind are "inane," "trashy," and "self-absorbed." [CNN]
• And the newest entry in the Celebrity Sex Tapes series is a horror-inducing "buddy effort" by Kid Rock and Scott Stapp. For those who wish to lose their eyesight or sanity forever, Defamer has a link to the video. [Defamer]

Posted by at 7:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

The entire Wednesday episode of Idol is just one long confirmation/elimination ceremony, giving everyone in the Top 24 semi-finals some camera time. We see familiar faces, we see new faces, we see some faces we never want to see again. And that includes the Brittenums--they finally show the news footage of the Brittenum's arrest. So please, don't worry about them anymore. It's over.

But here is a breakdown of who you'll be phone-voting for next week, including an analysis of their odds?

Ace: Good voice, great hair. Top Twelve for sure.

Robert Bennett: Haven’t seen much of him yet. Who is he?

David Radford: this season’s red-headed John Stevens. He’s going to get annhilated.

Sway: First audition, I didn’t feel his vibe. But now me likey the Sway. I think Sway is great. Look at me, reinforcing his mono-moniker status like he’s a star already.

Elliot Yamin: We don’t get him yet. But Simon is nuts for this guy. ...then again, Simon also liked Carmen Rasmussen.

Gedeon McKinney: African-American guy who talks about God a lot. Randy really likes him. Cocky, in a good way; personally I think his voice is great for gospel. But that's about it.

Chris Daughtry: Bald guy with lots of hats, who shreiks when he sings. So cool. So, so cool. Top Twelve. Week to week, I’m going to be excited to hear Chris sing.

Patrick Hall: We’d never seen Patrick Hall. We don’t know Patrick Hall. “I’m not as pretty as Ace...but who is?” says Patrick Hall. For that, we now love Patrick Hall.

Bucky Covington: Great looking, sings country, heard a little but not enough to get a feel for him. Don’t know much about him yet. The male wild card.

Kevin Covais: Honestly, his “yes” made me the happiest of everyone. Why? I don’t know. I’m rooting for Kevin Covais. If he has any brains in his head, he will sing all songs by Josh Groban. Doesn’t fit the theme of the night? Tough. Make it fit somehow.

Taylor Hicks: Walks into his final elimination playing his harmonica. They tell him it’s a “yes,” and he spontaneously bursts into improvised song. He’s so weird. And I can’t get enough. Top Twelve.

William Makar: I think he can work magic. He’s full of surprises, that one. We’ll have to wait and see what he can do. If he doesn’t let the pressure get to him, he could make it. Fingers crossed for William.

And then for the ladies:

Katherine McPhee: An audience favorite already. Of course Top Twelve.

Mandisa: Remember how Simon said "We'd need a bigger stage!" and all those other stupid fat jokes? Of course Mandisa saw it. “You hurt me, and I cried,” she tells Simon, “But I forgive you. You don’t need someone to apologize to forgive them.” Then she says something about Jesus but I don’t hear it because I’m clapping at my TV. I love her so much. Top Twelve.

Melissa McGee: Don’t know her. Good luck, whoever you are.

Lisa Tucker: The fabulous 16-year-old girl with the long curly black hair. So great. Top Twelve, if there is any justice in this world.

Brenna Smith: Upon getting her yes vote, she squeals with glee: “Let’s make good TV!” Okay, I want her gone. Now.

Stephanie Scott: Sings opera. Legitimately talented. Too much of a goody-two-shoes for this.

Ayla Brown: Tall, pretty girl who plays basketball. Isn’t her dad the politician? Or was that someone else? I forget. Whatever, Ayla has too much vibrato for me.

Rebecca O’Donohue: The hot, hot twin. Too bad her sister didn’t audition, they might have been the first twins to make it in. Not that she’ll get far, her voice can’t hold up. But at least this is her first step on that soon-to-come journey to the Playboy Channel, where she will be very very successful.

Heather Cox: It’s interesting, this Heather Cox from Denver. They showed her sing right alongside April Walsh, also from Denver; they both sang the same song; they both sounded good, and exactly the same. Heather is cuter. April didn’t make it. Hmm. I’m pretty sure the editors showed that comparison on purpose. But no one ever said American Idol is fair.

Paris Bennett: Really? Paris made it? I’m shocked! Just kidding. She’s a definite for Top Twelve. Except I wish she wouldn’t over-sing so much. They showed a clip of her singing “Fever” as light and lovely as can be, and she was amazing. But when she sings loud...it’s pushed and ugly. I want her to resist the temptation to over-Idol everything like most of the contestants do and not scream her songs. Because she’s good. She could win.

Kellie Pickler: At this final confirmation, she bursts into tears--and then tells a story about how she cried at her first audition and made her mascara run “all the way down to [her] feet.” So she bought water-proof mascara for this time, and was it working?...who doesn’t love her? Cuter than a basket of puppies. And she’s good! Top Twelve.

Kinnik Sky: The female wild card. Could be great, could go down in flames. Can’t tell yet. But people will vote for Paris before they vote for Kinnik. She better do something spectacular to make herself visible.

Posted by Papi at 6:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (53)

This week on American Idol: The Brittenum Twins are in jail!

Oh yeah, we already knew that.

Why they were slathered all over this week’s American Idol, I have no idea. Their singing? Mediocre. Their presence? Extremely irritating. Top Twelve potential? Of course not.

Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s Idol episodes featured the final singing battles for the last judge-oriented eliminations; next week, the phone lines open and America starts to vote. But getting to that list of 24 still required them to whittle through, what, 175 people? I don’t remember exactly how many. It was still a lot.

And how are you going to make yourself heard with the Brittenum Twins hijacking the audition process every step of the way?

Tuesday's episode shows the horrors that are the “group” auditions: those persons lucky enough to make it this far have to work together in groups of threes and fours. We barely know most of these people. Other than watching in a detached, enjoy-the-bloodbath manner, most of it doesn’t matter. And there's way too many people to keep track of.

Of note: Sway is back, he doesn’t have his belt buckle but we still remember his name. For his group he’s stuck with one of the Brittenums, as are some guy named Elliot and another dude named Anthony. Of course they have conflicts when trying to work out the rehearsals, blah blah blah. So they barely rehearse at all. Later, they all sing; the Brittenum forgets the words to his part of the song and sounds like crap. Elliot and Sway fake it and sound snazzy. We love Sway, I think. Don't we? The Brittenum blames his mistakes on Elliot and Sway because "they didn’t want to practice, they wanted to sleep." And then he blames Halliburton, and Venus for being in retrograde, and McDonald’s for cancelling the McRib yet again!... But Randy and Simon tell him he did a crappy job regardless of blame. Then they everyone in the group stay, except Anthony. So the Brittenum blames Anthony...although the Brittenum is safe, so why is still blaming anyone? Shh.

Kevin Covais, the nerdy little guy we’re all secretly rooting for, does a few snazzy dance steps when he sings, and skirts through the groups. Why do we root for him so much? It's his eyes. He's got fight in his eyes. He’s a tough dude. Surviving one day in high school with that hair cut, you'd have to be. In Kevin’s group we also meet William Makar, a wailing tenor with the body of a mid-90’s Calvin Klein waif model. Where has this guy been? He’s great. He makes it along with Kevin.

But no more fun! It's Brittenum time again! The Other Brittenum is up, he sings with his group, and he does better than his brother. But then he stands before the judges and all of America to say “My spirit has been BROKEN...” because of the way his brother "was treated" when scolded for forgetting the words to his song. And no one understands, since the first Brittenum did make it, dummy. But no matter! The Other Brittenum protests! And the Other Brittenum quits! Take that! He storms off...with his brother looking at him like he's a complete idiot. Which he is. Later on, they both apologize; the judges deliberate, and decide to let the Other Brittenum back in. Okay, did anyone care about all of this? I’m annoyed just typing it. I'm weary of you, Brittenums, and I hope you have a nice time in jail. Don't drop the soap.

Beyond their hissiness, we see talent: Mandisa makes it, of course, she’s flawless; Kinnik Sky, a.k.a. “The New Trenyce,” makes it. But then some irritating girl named Brenna Smith acts like a dumb-ass and says she’s doing it to get attention, because everyone likes the bitch. (...so that means everyone must LOVE me. I'm really excited about that. ) Whatever, the act works; she’s in, and she can’t even sing that well. I fear we'll be dealing with her for a long time, as the producers will want her around just for the ratings. Blech.

If you didn’t see this Tuesday episode, you will most certainly see one specific clip on the internet: some guy named Matthew Buckstein, some guy named Michael Evans and the ever-famous “I sing to turkeys” Garet are the center of an ode to Brokeback Mountain called "Brokenote Mountain," a tribute-style short movie following the journey of our beloved Garet on his trip to the big audition. It's funny. And then when they all sing together, it’s just horrible. But the true brilliance is when, in what is obviously the inspiration of the Brokeback reference, Our Little Turkey starts to cry, and is embraced by Matthew Buckstein, who tells him “You go back to that ranch, and you come back next year...you’ll never let me down.” Such a bond after, what, two days? But it is actually very sad. Matthew is obviously a very nice guy. Garet is honestly crushed. And Matthew really goes out of his way to make him feel better. And then they have intercourse in a tent.

At the end of the episode comes the “put you in four rooms” stage, where they’re told if they’ve made it as room-groups; it’s all very first-day-at-Hogwarts. I looked for the Sorting Hat, but apparently that was kept in a back room somewhere. Slytherin is up first; it's a bunch of people we don't know. The Slytherin room is cut. Which is good, since Slytherin is always trouble anyway. Then we go to Gryffindor, with bald dude Chris Daughtry; hot twin Rebecca O’Donohue, whose sister has injured vocal cords, if you remember her; bad-ass Sway; and our beloved Mandisa. Of course Gryffindor makes it, they’re the coolest. In Ravenclaw is Paris Bennett; gray-haired Taylor Hicks; and one of the Brittenums. Ravenclaw makes it too. So uh-oh, two rooms have made it...what about Hufflepuff? Little Kevin Covais is in there! So is soft-spoken crooner Ace, and that other damned Brittenum. Hufflepuff..makes it. Phew.

Posted by Papi at 6:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (18)

The ever intense rivalry between Kina and Cara boiled over this week on The Gauntlet 2, and only one of them was left standing. If that spoiled anything for you -- ie. whether or not the Rookies won the week's challenge -- well, I apologize, but then again, I haven't ruined anything that MTV hadn't already. You see, MTV had been airing promos for this episode, prominently showing Cara and Kina in the Gauntlet. It just goes to prove that even the network knows that no one really cares about who wins or loses the events: it's all about the cat fights. And for those of us who have migrated to Team Kina or Team Cara, Monday's showdown was an epic battle of titanic proportions. Well, actually, it was more like a petty dustup, but same difference. Either way, the Olympics should take note.

The big show began with the council of elders -- Timmy, David, and Mark -- discussing the plight of their team with younger vet, Brad. The problem, as they saw it, was that there was a cancer on their squad. A cancer with bad skin, crazy eyes, and a bit of an attitude. A cancer named Beth. There was only one way to deal with her. "One of us is gonna have to bang Beth," Timmy announced. Oh, don't act like you don't want to, Timmy.

Meanwhile, Beth was babbling to Kina about her team and how they all didn't appreciate her and blah blah blah -- get the violins out. "I feel dirty and ugly and sick," Beth said. Funny, that's kind of how I feel at the end of these shows.

Anyway, all this Beth stuff was nice and everything, but we knew what this episode was really about: Kina and Cara. Let the cattiness begin! Starting things off was Cara, who complained to Susie on the couch that Kina had been completely ignoring her. Susie then explained to us -- fairly rationally -- that the other girls had isolated them and shunned them away. "It leaves Cara and I to bond, but the more we bond, the madder they get." What? C'mon Susie. Let's not be ridiculous. I can't believe that such mature, rational women as Kina, Jodi, Gillian, and Ibis would ever act that way!

Of course, there are two faces to every coin, and Kina was here to explain her vantage point. "They isolate themselves all the time," she insisted. Yes, I'm sure they do. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that Kina, Jodie, Gillian, and Ibis were all on the same season of Road Rules and are a natural clique.

Well, with the schism of rage tearing apart the rookie girls, we then moved onto the next morning as the teams prepared for the challenge. Oh, and look! There was Timmy dressed in a hilarious bikini shirt and a mullet wig. That man is a comedic genius. Not since Gallagher or Carrot Top have I seen one man hone the craft of hilarity as much as Timmy.

Anyway, this week's big challenge was like a strenuous cousin to Tug O' War. The teams had to split in two. One half would sit on an apparatus above the ocean, and the other half would have to hoist said apparatus up via pulling on a rope. They'd have to keep the team up as long as possible. Both teams would perform this task twice, with each half getting a chance as pullers and sitters. I'm making this sound way more confusing than it actually was.

First up were the rookies who Alton was confident would win this thing. "We have this. Our players are lighter," he said. Well, maybe not Ibis. But hey, she has a very pretty face. As Alton and MJ and the other pulled and pulled, Mark Long had nothing but contempt for his rivals. "Anyone knows Tug O' War. You never rely on your hands. It's all about locking ropes within your body and almost being able to free your hands," he said. Gosh, Mark. Maybe you should go and join the Olympic Tug O' War team.

Well, actually, Mark did have a point. The Rookies certainly were not using their leverage properly, and so the team dropped the rope at a mere eleven minutes in. That's what'll happen when you have someone like moptop MJ serving as your anchor. Next up was the first heat for the Vets, who clearly benefited from the sage counsel of Tug O' War shaman Mark Long. "This isn't a pulling competition. It's a resistance competition. We're not pulling at all. We're resisting the fall," he said. I could just barely hear the sitar playing and finger symbols chiming in the background.

Sure enough, the Veterans adopted a better tugging strategy and wound up comfortably holding the rope way longer than the Rookies. "Everyone good back there?" Robin asked, adding, "It feels f*ckin' beautiful up here." Now is that true? Does it REALLY feel beautiful? I don't think so Robin, and I don't appreciate your rampant hyperbole.

Anyway, the Vets made it to the thirty minute mark, which meant that the anchor (Mr. Long) had to step away. But what they lost in strength, they made up for in over-dramatic encouragement. "THIS IS YOUR MOMENT!" Julie yelled. Wow, if this was their moment, they all have very sad lives.

Well, the Vets lasted for a total of thirty three minutes before they dropped their buddies into the ocean. The Rookies then stepped up for their second and final heat. They too adopted Mark Long's strategy and were able to make it to the thirty minute mark also. But when anchor Randy stepped away, the team just could not hang on very long. Maybe that's because Landon decided to let go too, for no real reason. Ten seconds later, his chums were plopped in the water, bringing the Rookie total to about forty one minutes.

The Veterans stepped up next for their final heat, and no surprise here, they quickly surpassed the Rookies' time and then some (they wanted to prove that they could be dominant). After they were done, TJ then revealed both teams' final times. He first announced that the Rookies lasted forty-one minutes, to which he added, "Very respectable. VERY respectable." Wow, sounds like he's been hanging out with Brad -- he of the "I feel very violated right now. I feel VERY violated!" But as VERY respectable as the rookie time was, they obviously lost, which meant that captain Beth could claim a nifty prize from Fandango. This, of course, led to the obligatory phony enthusiasm from the rest of the girls who sporadically clapped and said "Yay Beth."

And speaking of rampant phoniness, at the Gauntlet deliberations, Kina tried to act like she was taking the high road with selecting an opponent, but really it was just the fake bitch road. "I have confidence in the person I'm choosing tonight, and I feel like if they should happen to be the captain that they would do a fine job. And my choice is Cara." Wow, the sincerity is blowing me away.

Moments later, TJ spun the wheel of Gauntlet fate. Ooh! I wonder if it'll land on Captain's Choice! That never happens! Well, as the wheel went round and round, we then cut briefly to Landon who in the flurry of activity had found comfort and stability in clutching life-mate MJ's knee. Had that wheel spun any longer, they would have been full-on spooning. Anyway, surprise surprise -- the wheel stopped at "Captain's Choice." I swear, that thing is weighted. Can we just remove that option next season?

"I'm gonna go with Name That Coconut," Kina announced. For some reason, it seemed like an oddly apt phrase for her to say. I just get the feeling like Kina's said that many, many times in her life.

Well, later that day, the teams filed into the Gauntlet where Kina and TJ stood. Our intrepid host then called down Cara, saying, "Congratulations, welcome to the Gauntlet."

"Why is this a congratulations?" Cara asked. Hey, be careful there, Cara. You don't want to overload poor TJ. It's already hard enough for him to memorize all those corporate slogans he has to spew out.

Anyway, as the girls prepared for the big event, we then heard them attacking each other in interviews. "Kina, you're a raging psycho. Clearly you have a problem with me. I hope I win so I'm the next captain and prove you wrong," Cara said.

"You don't care about the team, and you don't care about a damn thing but yourself. And that's why I'm gonna kick your ass and send you home," Kina then said. Whatever. You're both idiots. Just fight already. Or make out.

Well, as per the rules of Name That Coconut (which is still lobbying for Olympic approval), the girls had to wrestle each other for coconuts that had the answer to various Real World and Road Rules trivia. Kina quickly wrestled a correct coconut to the "safe zone," thus earning her a point. This made me mad because honestly, I was rooting for Cara. Not that Cara's an angel or particularly less phony, but at least she seems a little sharper than Kina. Plus, she doesn't babble about all that sanctimonious team bullshit. Honestly, even if Cara lost, I would have been happy if she had just taken one of those coconuts and slammed it into Kina's face.

The good news for Cara is that she did manage to wrangle a coconut into the safe zone. Unfortunately, it had the wrong answer on it, which meant Kina essentially was able to win another point. If it were me playing, I'd just grab a random coconut and pretend to make a dash for it. Then I'd let the other person pry it away from me and cross into the safe zone. They'd be wrong and then I'd have all the time in the world to search for the right coconut. Wow, did I really just detail a gameplan strategy for Name That Coconut? I'm quite sad for myself now.

Anyway, with Kina up 4 to 0, TJ asked perhaps the most difficult question of all: "Who has a matching tattoo with Landon?" Hmmm... I'm thinking Karamo? No, wait, Willie! I just don't know! Well, the girls ran for the coconuts and suddenly became very physical, getting all the boys excited and causing This-Is-Your-Moment Julie to yell, "Who wants to stay more?"

"I do, bitch!" Kina sneered as she shoved Cara back and sprinted for the win. And by the way, the answer to that trivia question: MJ. MJ has a matching tattoo with Landon. That's a shocker.

Well, I was quite sad with this outcome. To think that we could have had two female team captains who were both despised by their underlings. Alas, Cara just did not come through. I guess there's nothing left for her to do but walk around and talk about being in Playboy -- which would have been cool had Trishelle, Katie, Tonya, Beth, and Veronica not done it already. Afterwards, while Susie and Cara were sharing some final moments in their bedroom, Kina entered, saying, "Hey Miss Thang. Good job." Wow, she really is one phony bitch, isn't she?

Anyway, a team captain's job is never done until they patronizingly compliment someone and condescendingly open up a dialogue. "No bullshit," Kina said, "Everything aside, you did well. And if there's anything else you need to say, now's your chance. And no combat, no nothing." Thanks Kina!

"I think in the future, as like a team captain, you weren't being a team player when you were excluding me from things," Cara said, later adding, "You don't know anything about me."

At this point, Kina interrupted and said, "I don't, but I don't have to because--"

"Was it my turn to talk? I wasn't sure. You said no combat," Cara replied passive aggressively.

"All that I'm saying is that you did well tonight," Kina reiterated with phoniness hanging thickly in the air.

"Thanks, but I'm trying to have like a few last minute moments here, and you totally brought in this energy that I'm not liking," Cara said.

"I was hoping to tell you that you did a great job. Bottom line," concluded Kina.

"Thanks!" Cara said, now employing her most fake-sounding voice. And with that, Kina walked away, probably bitching to her friends about how obnoxious Cara was etc. Listen, don't ask for things you don't want to hear. And don't expect Cara to be friendly to you either. Dumb Kina. I hate her now.

And so ended the episode and the rivalry. Luckily, we still have Susie around. As the seemingly most mature of all the girls, I'm not sure how she'll survive, but hopefully she'll put Kina in her place.

What did you think? Were you behind Kina or Cara?

Posted by at 4:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (35)

So I flipped on the TiVo last night to start this week's recap of The Bachelor and saw it was another two-hour episode. Two friggin hours? Had I known that, I'd have stopped at the liquor store on the way home, as I only have seven beers in the fridge. Fortunately, the first 35 minutes were spent revisiting some of the exotic dates from previous seasons. And since I've never watched the show before this season, I didn’t feel like catching up with stories I don't give a shit about. (I know I ended that sentence with a preposition, but "catching up with stories about which I don't give a shit" just sounds stupid.)

Travis has three exotic dates scheduled this week, and there's nary a rose in sight. That means he can relax and focus on the important things. Like poontang. Actually, he's focused on getting to know the remaining B'ettes better. Anything else that happens on the dates is just gravy. Love-gravy.

He's most confused about Susan. Last week she told him she was looking forward to falling in love with him, while her mom basically told him not to trust her daughter's motives. PlainSaraH is a lot of fun, and seems to share the same values as Travis, but now he needs to see if there's any romantic chemistry there. Personally, I don't think there is, because whenever he talks about her, all he mentions is her "honesty, character and integrity." That sounds like he's describing his sister, not his girlfriend. Although if he were from Kentucky and not Tennessee, she could be the same person. Finally, there's Moanica. With her, Travis feels the boundaries are limitless. Sounds like someone's going to try for a threesome in the Fantasy Suite...

His first exotic date is in Venice with Moanica. Travis is excited to see her again, and he's really hoping for a chance to try out some of the Italian he learned from Season Two of The Sopranos. I've never been to Venice, but it looks like it would smell really bad. Travis says when he thinks about Moanica, it feels like he's meeting his girlfriend. That's just crazy-talk. Moanica says she's "pretty stoked" about the date, and feels she's going to be the ultimate winner. Walking through St. Mark's Square (or, as Travis calls it, "St. Marco's"), they're attacked by a horde of kamikaze pigeons.

Later, while relaxing in a small café, Travis tells Moanica he had a great time on their "last date in the O.C." While he wasn't too happy with the way her parents tested him, he has fond memories of Seth's comic book collection and Mischa Barton's nipple. When the waiter comes to take their order, Moanica rattles it off in Italian. Travis is impressed. "You continue to amaze me," he tells her, "just breaking out a little Italian like that." (There's got to be a good Joe Pesci joke in there somewhere, but I'll be damned if I can find it right now.) Anyway, Travis tells Moanica he was in Venice about ten years ago, and thought then that being in a gondola would be an "amazing way" to spend time with someone he cared about. Amazingly, they end up in a gondola. Travis says there's a "myth" in Venice that every time you pass under a bridge, you have to kiss the woman you're with. If I were Moanica, I wouldn't believe him, primarily because something like this doesn't fall under the definition of "myth". But whatever. She's too focused on sinking her rodent teeth into his tongue to care.

After dinner, the two are enjoying wine on the balcony, when they're accosted by a roving accordionist. For some odd reason, they don't seem to mind, which makes me wonder if they're this happy with an accordionist, imagine what levels of ecstasy a wandering mime would send them to. Travis decides to make a toast, which is sure to be another in his growing line of CheeseDick^TM cards: "To us, to Venice, and to me, because I'm with the most beautiful girl in Venice." Next he tells her that while he's incredibly anxious to get back to his normal life, he wouldn't trade this experience for the world, because he'd have never met Moanica otherwise. He wonders how nice it would be for them to be back in Nashville or LA. Those are the moments that keep him happy. He also thinks they can learn a lot from each other, and she agrees. "You can teach me a lot of things," Moanica says. Ah, she's no old dog, this one. "You've already taught me the possibility to continue to learn in areas I thought I'd stalemated in." Stalemated? Moanica's starting to sound a lot like Dr. McRottenEggs. When they're in the room together, Travis says nothing else matters, and everything else disappears. Except his boner! Moanica says it's an "amazing" feeling to be with him. And his boner.

Travis decides to give Moanica the Fantasy Suite invitation. Since they're always on the same page, she accepts. In the suite, Moanica confesses she's worried about her lack of exclusivity. Travis tries to reassure her, telling her he's never cheated on a girlfriend before. "I promise I won't promise anything I can't promise," he says. And she buys it, saying "As uncomfortable as it makes me, it doesn't dissuade me from acknowledging the truth that I see when I look at you." Sounds like Moanica might be starting her own line of CheeseTwat^TM cards.

The next date is with PlainSaraH in Vienna. They meet at the base of a historic Ferris wheel. Evidently, the producers tipped PlainSaraH off to the fact that they were visiting a historic relic, since she's wearing her historic cow-neck sweater. Too bad she couldn’t find any historic legwarmers in time for this segment. PlainSaraH tells us she wants more than the friendship they've developed to this point. She wants some smoochies! They share a couple of beers on the Ferris wheel. Beer on a Ferris wheel? Me likee Vienna. Travis tells her character is "different' from the other girls, which of course is code for "I can't believe you haven't at least given me a hand-job."

Tired and sore from their Ferris wheel adventure, they decide to visit a spa for a couple's massage, followed by a dip in a floating pool, where Travis gives her a few more brotherly pecks. I think this is starting to frustrate PlainSaraH, as she tells us she wants to be kissed like they're in a relationship. Oh, if only it weren't for her abnormally high levels of character! That evening, they take a carriage ride through the city. Travis says he appreciates the fact that PlainSaraH hasn't thrown herself at him. "That's not what I'm looking for in a woman," he says. What is he looking for in a woman? Little Travis.

Later, over dinner, Travis tells PlainSaraH he cherishes the time they spend together. She says she wants to go back to Nashville together and see where their relationship goes. But hey, why wait for Nashville when there's a fully stocked Fantasy Suite upstairs waiting to be deflowered? Travis gives her the key to the room, which she accepts. Finally, a chance for some butterfly kisses! Travis says that neither of them are formal people, so he thinks they should just take their dinner up to the room. Looks like someone's been watching 9 ½ Weeks.

Upstairs, Travis confesses he feels more of a friendship with PlainSaraH than with any of the other girls. And he wants to know if there's more. PlainSaraH admits she's been holding back all this time, because it's not like her to jump into something. Well, except the bed of the Fantasy Suite, of course. She also questions the sincerity of the other girls, and says that their intentions are different than hers. Travis wants to know what she means by that. "They're a bunch of bitches!" she screams. "Yeah, I said it. They're all skank-ho-bitches!" Actually, she just says she and Travis are more subtle and comfortable in their own skin. Although from the looks of it, Travis was pretty comfortable in Moanica's skin in Venice. For those reasons, PlainSaraH just thinks she's a better match for Travis than either Moanica or Susan. Travis is really impressed that PlainSaraH made her point without badmouthing the other girls, because he doesn't ever want to be with someone who would badmouth someone for being different. Looks like I'm finally off of Travis' list. Travis tells PlainSaraH he really respects her opinion, and is glad she's there. "I might have lost a piece of myself if you weren't here," he says. PlainSaraH thinks that might be the best thing he's told her since they've been there. That's just sad. But it does get her the long, slow, deep, hard kisses her nether-regions have been aching for.

The final exotic date is with Master Thespian (Susan) in the French Alps. Travis is worried that Master Thespian might be acting when she's around him. Is she saying the things she thinks he wants to hear, or what she's really feeling? On this date, he plans to find out. Master T is excited when Travis says they're going rock climbing, which makes Travis happy. Or is he acting? Travis doesn't want to believe that MT is there for exposure, but when someone says they've lived in LA and want to move back to LA and want to do something on TV, it makes him wonder. Hey, doesn't Moanica live in LA? And isn't she on TV? I'm just sayin'… While they take a break on a log, Travis asks her point-blank if that's why she's there. The question upsets Master Thespian (or is she acting?!), and she tells him that's the last reason she's there. She's a smitten kitten, remember?

After the rock climb, they hike to a clearing where there's a small pot hanging above a campfire.
Susan: "There's a huge pot."
Travis: "Guess what's in the pot?"
Susan: "What's in the pot?"
Travis: "Pot."
Actually, it's filled with hot mulled cider wine. Travis says they drink it hot so they can stay warm. BRILLIANT! Master Thespian asks Travis to make a toast. "To the first of many rock climbing adventures," he says. To paraphrase Beauty and the Geek's Tristin, that Travis is no Don Juan DeMarco. Continuing the inquisition, Travis says some of the other women had told him after she'd kissed him for the first time, she bragged about it like it was a competition she'd won. She denies it, and tells Travis this isn't a game to her, and she loves every minute they're together. Travis seems reassured by her answers. Unless he's acting!

Later that evening, they enjoy a fondue dinner at the hotel. Travis tells us he's hoping they can relax now, and just be themselves. The true test tonight is if he gets to see the real Susan. Real, of course, meaning nekid. Travis tells Susan he loves the fact that she can go rock climbing in the day and clean up so well at night. He also tells her he wanted to bring her to the Alps to see how she does in a relaxing environment. (Which is why he made her go rock climbing and subjected her to two rounds of interrogation.) Master Thespian, it turns out, loves to be in relaxing environments. In fact, she's quite the homebody, that Master Thespian. What a coincidence. Travis says he loves women who disagree with him. He likes to be called out when he's wrong or inappropriate. Amazingly, that's one of her pet peeves too! She hates when people agree with everything you say. Nah, that's not what Travis wanted to hear at all…

Master T admits to being nervous, but takes the plunge and tells Travis she's falling in love with him. In a great bit of editing, you can actually hear Travis gulp when she says it. And if people feel she's not ready for a relationship like this (she's talking to YOU, mother!) it's "bleep". Despite all this, Travis still invites her to the Fantasy Suite. And really, can you blame him? She's far and away the best looking ho-peful left, and since he'll be cutting her at the next Rose Ceremony, this is his only chance to make the beast with two backs. In this case, it's a water-beast, as they head out to the hot tub and start making out.

With all the exotic dates over, it's time to head back to Paris for the Rose Ceremony. Host Chris Harrison greets the Bachelor with an insincere "Hey Trav, what's going on?" Host Chris Harrison is a tool. Travis says he's confused and he's sad and it hurts him that he's going to have to send someone home and essentially break their heart. So Host Chris Harrison tells Travis to take a look at the videotaped messages from each of the girls. Moanica says their date in Venice was "undeniably amazing". PlainSaraH says they're perfect for each other. Master Thespian says she had an "absolutely amazing" time on their date. Amazing.

Travis says the hardest thing to do in a relationship is to break up with someone. Obviously, Travis has never asked a girl if he can stick in it her pooper. But, he has to break up with someone tonight, and he can't second-guess his decision. And that decision is to give roses to Moanica and PlainSaraH. Smell ya later, Master Thespian!

Travis walks Susan out of the room. "You are amazing," he tells her. And he admits to not knowing if he made the right decision or not. So much for not second-guessing himself. She asks why he let her go, and he says it's because things just felt more "formal" with her and he didn't get to know her as well as he did the other two women. Based on the hot tub footage, he's obviously not using "know" in the Biblical sense. In the limo, Master Thespian goes off: "This is ridiculous," she cries. "I got dumped because I'm formal?! What does that even mean? I try to keep myself in control and professional, and that apparently is a detriment to who I am. We had a lot of chemistry together." Yeah, so does DuPont.

So what do you think of Travis' decision? Did he keep the right B'ettes? Was Susan sincere about her feelings, or was she just acting?

Posted by at 12:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (22)

• The James Bond producers have finally cast a villain, which is helpful considering the fact that shooting on Casino Royale began weeks ago and the film comes out in December. Taking the role is Danish actor Mads Mikkelsen. In the film's climactic showdown, Bond and the bad guy will scribble furiously at easels to see who can draw the most offensive Muhammad cartoon. [BBC]
• Predictably, official denials of the Tom Cruise–Katie Holmes breakup rumor came within hours. "They're in love! Sweet love! And they have hotsexysexysex LIKE ALL THE TIME, OMG YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE IT, her vajayjay is like SO WORN OUT that the baby will be able to just mosey on outta there!" And so on and so forth. [Defamer]
• And Fox's American Idol spanked NBC's Olympics coverage this week, since skiers crashing and burning at Sestriere are apparently no match for awkward flailing and blatant onstage cameltoe. [CNN]

Posted by at 11:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Last night, my heart was nearly broken when I sat down in front of the Tivo, ready to be amazed with a new episode of Veronica Mars, when I saw that there would be no new episodes for this week. To cheer myself up, I thought we should do something for the TVgasm readers, because it has been a few weeks since our last giveaway, and I know the readers are hungry for more. Everybody knows that the people here at TVgasm are a little obsessed with television, so what would be better for a giveaway than a television show featuring a person with a lot of their own obsessions? The show I am talking about is Monk, on USA Networks. The show airs Fridays at 10 PM EST (check local listings), and the new season begins Friday, March 3rd. Read on for more information on what you can win, and how to win it.

As we all know, Monk is a very obsessive detective, but it doesn't stop there. Monk also has an inordinate amount of phobias. This all makes for hilarious mystery-solving hijinx, all wrapped in a nice little bundle we call Tony Shaloub. To keep in the spirt of the show, we thought we would feature a little bit of a scavenger hunt throughout the TVgasm archives. It will test your knowledge of TVgasm and give you something to do if you are bored at work.

We have placed four fingerprints like the one at the left throughout the TVgasm Archives. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, and you kind of have to accept it to enter the contest, is to find the four articles where we have placed fingerprints. Hey, what can be better than reading old TVgasm articles? You'll send us the names of those four articles as your entry. No scavenger hunt is good without clues, so here they are:

• One fingerprint is placed in a recap about a show featuring a character with a penis head.
• One fingerprint is placed in a recap about a show that could also be called Stupendous Junket.
• One fingerprint is placed in a recap about a show featuring robots, lying, and friendship.
• One fingerprint is placed in a recap about a show that could also be known as Upcoming United States Exceptional Diva.

To enter, send the titles of the four recaps where the fingerprints appear to contests@tvgasm.com, with the subject Scavenger Hunt. You have until the premiere of Monk, Friday, March 3rd, to enter. If these clues aren't good enough for you, I'll make it a little easier next week. Remember, one entry per e-mail address/household, you must be eighteen to enter, and winners must live in the United States or Canada. The winners will be chosen by random draw among the people with the correct answers.

So, what do you win? First prize is a DVD box set of Monk Season 2, a signed script of the episode "Mr Monk Goes To The Office," and a Monk T-shirt. That is one nice little set of prizes, if I do say so myself. That's not all, because second, third, fourth and FIFTH place winners will all receive a Monk t-shirt. That makes your chances of winning even greater than seeing Paris Hilton's vagina or Lindsay Lohan in the hospital in the next two weeks. You gotta like those odds.

Please don't give away the titles to the posts in the comments because it will take the fun out of the game and I will ban you from posting for a few months. Good luck everybody!

Posted by at 9:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (17)

So I’m confused. I’ve been recapping Desperate Housewives all season now and I think I’m fairly familiar with how the show goes. It’s essentially a big soap opera that mixes all sorts of elements from comedy to drama with the added benefit of watching Teri Hatcher’s face morph into the Joker (don’t believe me? Look at this). But there has always been a dark undercurrent to the storylines. Murders, lies, suicide, etc. Last night's episode, however, took me by surprise. And not in a good way. It had to be one of the most absurd hours of television I’ve seen all year. I mean think of the weirdest premise you can think of, like the Vice President of the United States shooting a 78-year-old man in the face with a shotgun. OK, maybe that’s a little too weird, but you get my point. Every aspect of virtually every storyline was so over the top and the acting by the entire cast was so shticky that I actually said “WTF?� out loud at least three times. Which was weird because I normally don’t just blurt out letters. Now sure, the title of the episode was “Silly People� so I guess that’s what they were going for, but for me it was less “silly� and more “bizarrely annoying.�

But first let me apologize. My TiVo, otherwise known as "The greatest invention in the history of man. Even better than penicillin," had a brain fart and didn't save the episode so the screencaps are culled from the internet. My apologies because I was really thinking of using a great shot of Teri Hatcher's disintegrating face to go with my undeniably funny title. Ah well…

The tone was set right from the beginning when we saw Bree attending a dinner party with yet another nameless group of high society types. The hostess is Maxine Bennett, played by the otherwise hilarious comedic actress Jane Lynch. Her parties are always wonderful and her food is always perfectly prepared and served. Maxine insists that she does all of it herself, but Bree doesn’t buy it. Everything is just too perfect and she knows for a fact that the food she serves takes hours to prepare. Once Bree voices her suspicions to the others, there is a knock at the door. It’s the F.B.I. with a warrant. They go into the kitchen and lo and behold there is a young Chinese immigrant woman preparing the food. Maxine is arrested for involuntary servitude. So the show starts with a woman getting caught for having a Chinese immigrant slave. A Chinese immigrant slave who is a better chef than Wolfgang Puck.

As Gabrielle is coming home from a day of shopping she sees the former Chinese slave with the priest and Carlos in her front yard. Carlos tells her that he has agreed to keep her there for a few days while they arrange a trip for her to return to China. At first Gabrielle is fuming at the idea, but then one day she sees that the slave girl is cooking gourmet food and doing a super professional job at sewing her fancy garments. If only Russian mail order brides were this talented, I’d be living on easy street. Instead I’ve got cigarette burns on the carpet and an itch that won’t go away. Also, it’s worth pointing out that throughout this entire episode Eva Longoria’s idea of comedic acting is to overact every line to such a degree that it is painfully unfunny.

She tries to regain her reputation with the viewers (namely me) in the next scene with Carlos as he strips her down to her underwear trying to get some. She isn’t that interested and spends the entire time trying to convince him that they should keep the Chinese girl on as their maid, and when Carlos refuses to agree, she refuses to surrender the pink. Oh Gaby! At least she didn’t call Carlos a “Mexican bike cop�.

Later we see Gabrielle sitting in front of the mirror while Xiao Mei (that’s the maid's name) is brushing her hair as Gabrielle tries to convince her to stay. Unfortunately while Xiao Mei can make a perfect five star, six course meal for 12 people, she cannot speak rudimentary English, cuz that makes total sense. When Xiao Mei spies a bracelet on her table Gabrielle says that it isn’t worth much and she can have it. Xiao Mei is so thrilled that later when she is about to go she refuses and tells the priest, through her interpreter, that she thinks of them as family and wants to stay and work for them.

When Bree is coming home from the grocery store Susan and Edie walk across the street to talk to her. I'm not sure if their comical walks are supposed to be on purpose or if they both have an odd sort of hip dysplasia due to their advanced age. Either way it's annoying. They are confronting Bree about why she is all of a sudden buddy buddy with the Applewhites when only yesterday she was the one who was the most suspicious. Bree is of course being blackmailed so she can't say anything, so she just tells them that she knows what she is doing.

Later she is berating Danielle for betraying the family by telling Matthew about Andrew running over Mrs. Solis. Danielle tells Bree that if she’s really nice to Mrs. Applewhite then she would tell her why they are hiding Caleb. Bree then realizes that her daughter isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. I say, she’s about as sharp as a bag full of wet mice. She reminds me of Paul Revere’s ride. A little light in the belfry…. Sorry, I just can’t resist pulling out my Foghorn Leghorn impression.

The next morning Bree decides to take things into her own hands. When Betty and Matthew leave the house she decides to break into the house herself to confront Caleb. She of course brings some apple cobbler for him. When she asks him why he is hiding in the house he says he is normally in the basement. He shows her his room and when she sees the shackles she asks him why. He says it’s because he hurt a girl, and she died. Her name was Melanie, and “she was pretty. Just like you.� Wow. That’s awkward.

When next we see Bree, Betty is knocking at her door. It seems Caleb told her a pretty red haired lady came visiting today. She starts to threaten Bree until Bree interrupts her and tells her “Don’t you want to know what we talked about?� in that smug “I got you by the balls� tone that we have come to know so well. Bree knows about Melanie Foster and how he hurt her. He tells Betty that it's time for her to tell her everything. Betty then spills the beans. Matthew was dating a girl named Melanie Foster and after they broke up, Caleb convinced her to meet him at a local lumber yard. Yep, that’s right. A pretty debutante was talked into meeting a retarded guy in her middle of the night at a lumber yard. Oddly enough things don’t go as planned and in a fit of rage, when she rejects his pleas of love, Caleb kills her. Betty blames herself and says that it is her job to protect him. That is when they decided to move away with Caleb and keep him hidden. And at that moment, the world’s most boring storyline was born.

At the office with the Scavos, we see Tom's character has devolved into a bumbling oaf, as pretty much everyone has this episode. He begs Lynette to help him get in good with Ed the boss, who has been killing all his pitches. She says that he is going to have to find a way to click with him on his own. When we see him bombing over a bacon pitch, he offhandedly mentions that he was in a fraternity. This gets fellow frat boy Ed going and he invites him to lunch. The ploy works, as in the next meeting Tom and Ed are buddies, with Ed making bets about how many M&M's Tom can catch in his mouth. Ed ends it by hurling one in his eye, laughing. Yeah, this happens in corporate America. Things escalate when next up Ed bets Tom that he can’t eat an entire glazed donut out of the toilet. The CEO of a corporation is betting an employee to drink urinal water to the cheers of the employees. Even though Lynette tries to stop him he goes through with it saying that “this is his moment.� Oh Tom. Eating a urine-soaked donut won’t make you cool. I know, I’ve been there. Mrs. Kuhlen’s first grade class. I bet everyone I could drink the urinal water. For those few hours I was no longer the quiet shy kid in the corner furiously writing a snarky recap in my Trapper Keeper about last night's Riptide, the cool show about detective brothers who live on a boat, hoping that someday I could do something with my talent. No, for those few precious hours, I was the coolest guy in school. Then I realized that I was about to, you know, drink urinal water, and even in first grade I had the wits about me to realize that that was a bad idea. Tom doesn’t have these wits.

The next day when Ed calls Tom “Toilet Bowl� he realizes that he made a mistake. But, he says, that’s how “guys do business.� Funny, I’ve worked for many “guys� in the corporate world for years now and they never dare me to drink my own urine. That went out in the eighties after the big “CEO of Aetna eats his own feces at board meeting� brouhaha. Lynette, being the loving wife she is, decides to put an end to it and calls Ed out in front of everyone. She tells Ed to dare her to do something and if she wins he will agree to stop the shenanigans. At first she suggests that she show up to work topless, but thankfully he doesn’t go for it. Instead he dares her to eat a pound of raw bacon. C’mon. A CEO of a company daring someone to eat raw pork? The Apprentice is more believable. The only way this show can regain my respect is if next week we see Lynette dealing with the onset of a trichinosis infection from eating raw meat. Namely diarrhea, vomiting and muscle fatigue. That show I would love to recap.

Susan meanwhile, has once again found herself in a bit of a pickle. She needs an operation on her “wandering spleen,� because things like “cancer� and “kidney transplant� just don’t have the slapsticky name quality that “wandering spleen� has. The problem is that her former manager, who was charged with embezzlement, let her insurance policy lapse. Now, I know the insurance industry and can assure you that stuff like that doesn’t happen and if it does she can get COBRA insurance to cover it. But hey they needed to fill an hour of air time this week and we can’t have Susan slipping on banana peels the whole time. Susan is going to Karl and Edie for help. Paul offers to get into it with the insurance company, but her surgery is scheduled for next week. Edie then comes up with a brilliant idea. She can marry someone and get their coverage. They just need to find someone to go along with the sham marriage. Voila! Problem solved through good old insurance fraud.

Edie sets up a meeting at a local diner with her friend Gary who has agreed to go through with the fake marriage. It turns out that Gary needs a sham marriage as well. Gary is gay and his aging mother told him that the only reason she hasn’t died yet is because she is waiting for him to get married. And Gary needs the inheritance. This causes Susan to pause, which makes me laugh since it was her idea to commit the insurance fraud in the first place.

The next day Susan shows up at the local quickie marriage chapel. Apparently this show takes place in Nevada. When Susan goes inside she meets Gary’s life partner Steven who is inexplicably jealous and angry at her for fake marrying his boyfriend. Once they are at the alter Gary and Steven get into a huge fight about why he will go through the fake wedding but not fly to Holland and get married there. No sure why they need to go to Holland. They can go to Vermont and even the fair state of Connecticut, both of which offer civil unions for gay couples. And hey, while you’re here why don’t you take in the sights. Visit the USS Nautilus, America’s first nuclear submarine, at the Navy shipyards in Groton. Go to beautiful Mystic seaport and have some Mystic Pizza, which isn't really that great, but hey they kinda filmed a movie there. And don’t forget our capitol city of Hartford, CT, home of the historic Old State house, site of the Amistad trials. Hartford: New England’s Rising Star!

Anyhoo. The fight gets out of hand and Gary is forced to not go through with the wedding. This sends a dejected Susan back to Karl who reluctantly agrees to marry her himself. He figures they did it before they might as well do it again. And it will help alleviate some of his guilt for walking out on her. She agrees but they both promise not to tell Edie, as she would go nuts.

Finally we end the episode on the only semi “serious� storyline. Mysterious dying millionaire Noah Taylor, who for some reason is being nursed by the evil Felicia who is no doubt hatching all sorts of evil plans, gets an anonymous letter. The letter simply states “You have a grandson.� The grandson of course being the oh so creepy Zach. Mike Delfino, you see, never told him about Zach and even told him that Deirdre’s killer was some random drug dealer who is already dead. Noah has Mike come over to explain himself. He tells him the truth about Zach, that he lives with his father etc. He doesn’t mention the fact that his father killed Deirdre and stuffed him in a trunk, but why quibble over details. Noah tells him that he has two days to bring him to him or else. All of this conversation is overheard by the evil Felicia in the next room. Will Zach finally get the beat down that has been coming to him oh these many months now? Tune in next week to find out. Or next month, knowing how ABC works.

Posted by EdHIll at 5:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (18)

There was so much exciting activity on Dancing with the Stars this week! Okay, maybe not that much. It's just that there were two perfect scores, and in the spirit of optimism and pride that the Olympics inspire, I thought I'd try my hand at excessive enthusiasm for once. Needless to say, the five remaining couples sizzled on the dance floor, with Drew and Stacy jockeying for domination yet again. Any guesses on who got those perfect scores?

Now, before I started this episode, I took a gander at my Tivo. This show would be ninety minutes. Did I read that correctly? Ninety minutes? But there were only five couples. Okay, five couples AND a Viennese Waltz. That should still top out at sixty minutes. What sort of torturous filler would ABC be forcing upon us? Well, first, we received an extended "Previously on" opening montage. Then, for the first time, we also sat through a preview tease of what would be coming later in the show. And finally, at SIX minutes into the show (six minutes where nothing had happened), the professional dancers surfaced to demonstrate the five different dances we'd be seeing that evening.

This segment, although totally superfluous, was mildly amusing. Our old friend Ashly Delgross joined Louis Van Amstel in the jive -- a performance which seemed to move at hyper-speed, as opposed to the lackadaisical tempo of the house band's version of "Faith." I really thought Ashly -- who at times resembled a supersonic spinning top -- might go flying off into the stands, but Louis somehow kept her under control. And what did she do to repay him? She stuck her foot in his crotch. Yes, when pulling her between his legs, she squarely planted her high heel right in between his legs. I don't know if it was a necessary technique or what, but it looked painful and horrible. Maybe that's why Master P could never master his moves.

After Ashly and Louis (or Ashouis... or Louishly) left the stage, Mr. Matinee Idol himself, John Roberts, emerged with Bride of Stalin, Anna to do a little tango. They were then followed by Edyta and Max, who performed the rumba to seminal chest-thumping classic, "My Heart Will Go On." Sadly, the performance was marred by the house band's singer whose voice cracked during the song's crescendo. Maybe she got one of Edyta's feathers stuck in her mouth. Wouldn't be surprising since they were shedding all over the dance floor. Tony and Cheryl stepped out next to do the ever passionate Paso Doble, and lastly, Nick and Andrea (Kenny Mayne's unfortunate partner) took the floor to perform the quickstep. This unnecessary pastiche of dancing finally drew to a close with all the professional dancers gathering in a random group-hug/dancing-circle for the big finale. How wonderful. Now, can we start this damn show?

Jerry & Anna

First up this week were Jerry and Anna, who were still fuming over their low scores last week. But it's all water under the bridge now, and besides, Jerry couldn't fret about scores when he had business to attend to. Yes, Jerry had to go to the Superbowl where he was honored in a pre-game MVP ceremony. And guess what? He took his buddy Anna with him. I'm surprised she didn't scoff at the whole event, saying, "What is this Superbowl? Is this a game? Why don't they play hockey? This is ridiculous. Real men don't chase a ball around. They drink vodka!"

The best part about Anna, however, is her dismissive act of calling anything Jerry does "football." At one point, when he was signing autographs, she simply moaned to the camera, " Okay, enough of football. We gotta go dance now." He wasn't playing football, Anna, but that's okay. I can imagine her and Jerry at a restaurant, and after he meanders too long at the salad bar, she barks, "Enough football, I want to get back to the table."

Well, the two did manage to practice, and Anna had a very evocative tactic this week. She wanted Jerry to stick a quarter in his butt cheeks and hold on tight. Saucy! But enough football, let's get to the dancing.

At sixteen minutes into the show, Jerry and Anna finally took the stage to perform the Paso Doble. "Disembodied Englishman, announce that dance!" Tom Bergeron said in his introduction. Oh Tom. So clever. If only you weren't stealing an already lame joke from, sigh, Adam Sessler. Great minds think alike, I suppose.

Anyway, the dance began, and ooh! Look at this! Anna was playing the matador. How very gender-reversal, women's studies chic! But soon, Jerry took over the role, and truthfully, he did a pretty solid job. His posture seemed good, his feet were moving quite fast -- I thought for sure he might even earn some nines. Not that it mattered, really. He's so popular, he could overcome straight zeros. With the crowd cheering "Jerry! Jerry!" as usual, Len rained on this bullfighting parade by saying, "For me, there was nothing to make me jump up and down." Oh, Len. Enough football!

Well, Bruno could disagree more. "You're turning into Judge Dredd here!" he yelled, regrettably reminding us of one of modern cinema's less savory offerings. Later, Bruno forced another analogy out, saying, "It was like Moses parting the Red Sea!" Not really sure how that applies to ballroom. Maybe it was a reference to Jerry emerging from a shell or whatever. Carrie Ann kept it simply and to the point: "Finally! That was fantastic!"

The excitement and enthusiasm was so contagious that when Samantha Harris intercepted the duo backstage, she bizarrely semi-sang, semi-chanted the line, "He... is... the... WARRIOR. Oh yeah!" What the? I don't know if that was an homage to Patty Smyth and Scandal or simply an original composition, but it was horrible. No more, Samantha.

As for the scores, Jerry pulled in an eight, a seven, and an eight for a total of twenty-three. Kind of low, considering the praise. But Jerry did have a few stumbles, and that'll always get you, I guess. Sorry, Jer. I was pulling for you.

Drew & Cheryl

Next were Drew and Cheryl, the latter of which was looking quite breasty tonight. I mean, her cleavage wasn't showing or anything, but her boobies were pointing out like she might have had two Baked Alaskas stuffed into her brassiere. Anyway, Drew's big challenge of the week was to fix his bunchy shoulders -- a problem that took about two second to remedy. Once that was done, his wife and brother (a.k.a. Nick Lachey) stopped by rehearsal -- totally spontaneously, I'm sure -- to bother him about needing to leave for Superbowl Sunday. Basically, this was just an elaborate way to get Nick Lachey on camera more.

Well, Drew and Cheryl took the stage and performed the tango to the tune of "Shut Up" by the Black Eyed Peas. I personally was shocked that the BEPs didn't show up in person for this event. Honestly, how could they turn down the chance to appear on national TV? They must have been out performing at a Bar Mitzvah or assisted living facility.

Anyway, the judges absolutely loved the performance, with Bruno calling it "SMASHING!" Then again, that's what he says when he eats Chicken McNuggets. Len then said it was Drew's best yet (not better than the "Thriller" Paso Doble in my book), and Carrie Ann continued the love-fest with general ecstatic praise.

As for the score? Ten, ten, ten! A perfect thirty! Wow, good for Drew, but... I didn't think it was THAT good. Whatever, it's not worth getting excited over.

George & Edyta

Next up was the man who Bruno called a "fruit cocktail" last week: George Hamilton. And yes, we then saw him slurping down a fruit cocktail. Oh George. So hilarious. Anyway, George and Edyta were dancing the rumba this week, and Mr. Zorro was concerned that he wouldn't look masculine. Maybe he needs the help of a surprise guest. And who would that be? Why, only the paradigm of masculinity, Alex Mazo, a.k.a. partner of Kelly Monaco and winner of last season's trophy. Alex strutted into George's dance studio, and an awkward silence hung in the air as the audience refrained from applauding his return. But guys, it's ALEX MAZO!!!

Anyway, George and Edyta eventually performed their rumba, which was charming and elegant as usual. Carrie enjoyed it, and Bruno made a random Dynasty reference, saying, "Alexis Carrington and Blake Carrington in the first encounter." I don't get it either.

Len, however, was disappointed, explaining that "Edyta's flatulating around you." Granted, "flatulating" isn't actually a word, but if it were a word, chances are it would mean something very unflattering on Edyta's part. And if it meant what I think it was supposed to mean, I'd probably want to evacuate the premises at once. Edyta LOVES beans!

Ultimately, the two pulled in two eights and a seven, tying Jerry and Anna with twenty-three points.

Lisa & Louis

Appearing on stage next was Lisa Rinna, wearing a dress that looked like it had been cut from the hide of a Fry Guy. I won't bash Lisa too harshly this week, though. She's apparently had a rough few days mastering the quickstep, causing her to cry in rehearsal yet again. To ease her anxiety and help her get into the ballroom character, Louis brought in an etiquette expert who may or may not have been Betty White. This woman taught Lisa all sorts of prim and proper things like how to hold a teacup and carry a book on one's head. Yes, Lisa was going to transform into the refined noblewoman of her predestination... perfect for galloping across the dance floor to the twangy tune of "9 to 5."

Anyway, the etiquette worked, and Lisa wowed over the judges with her quickstep. Len praised her (causing her to flip out, natch), and then Carrie empowered her, saying, "You can do ballroom, girl!" At this point, I thought Lisa might just hop on the desk and yell "COLLAGEN FOR EVERYONE!! IT'S ON ME!!!" And Bruno rounded out the compliments by announcing, "The emancipation of Lisa is now complete!"

Ultimately, Lisa pulled in straight nines for a score of twenty-seven (remember when that used to be an amazing score? Thanks, Drew and Stacy), and backstage, she told Samantha, "I don't normally cry that much. I don't." Oh, come on. Don't try to hide it. You cry at Dove commercials. We can tell.

Samantha then said, "You really seem to have an emotional energy that's gotta be exhausting for you." Translation: holy shit, you're wearing me out with your constant yelling.

Stacy & Tony

The last couple of the evening were the unstoppable force known as Stacy and Tony. Since they were doing the jive, they decided to visit the troops at Camp Pendleton. After all, it was the soldiers who originally spread the joy of the jive around the world. And also, it's a really good way to pander for votes.

Anyway, the two arrived at the base, which was just like the classy Dancing with the Stars set, except with posters like "Body slam me, Stacy." Tom Bergeron probably designed that poster. Well, Stacy and Tony told us that they were going to test out their jive and see how it would go over with the troops. As if the troops would even care. Stacy could stand up there and brush her teeth, and the guys would hoot and holler. Still, it would be pretty funny if the Marines suddenly became ballroom snobs and turned their noses up. "We wanted better posture. Dismissed."

Well, Stacy and Tony's trip went off without a hitch, and they soon took the stage, jiving to Wham's "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go." And yes, this was the second George Michael musical appearance of the night. Maybe the Viennese Waltz will be to "Careless Whisper." Hat trick!

Anyway, Stacy, as usual, rocked the performance, flicking her super long legs with all the agility of a cat. The two bounced and spun all around the dance floor, with Stacy ultimately winding up right on the judges's laps. Literally. (The dance ended with her sitting on the judges's desk or podium or table or whatever it is.)

No surprise here. Bruno loved it, and Len, he loved it too, despite early fears that Stacy might be like a daddy-long-legs. And yes, I would love to see a daddy-long-legs do the jive. Carrie, meanwhile, summed it up: "That was pretty much perfect." Sure was, which was why Stacy and Tony earned three tens for a perfect score of thirty. Ha, hope you weren't getting too comfortable there in the top spot, DREW.

Backstage, Tony dragged Drew off the couch and ribbed him a bit, and somehow, Drew managed to look like a thirteen year old kid. Especially when Stacy and Tony began rubbing his head like the little rascal he was. It also didn't help that for whatever reason, Drew only seemed to be as tall as their navels.