Ever wonder where all the terrible movies come from? How about all the horrendous sitcoms or insipid dramas? They come from dumb people. And how do dumb people get in the Hollywood system? They start by writing a letter. Someone passed along one of these letters to me, and even though it doesn't quite have anything to do with television (aside from providing an insight into the sort of people that try to break into the industry), it was so ridiculous and awful, I just had to share it.

After the jump, please enjoy the employment cover letter from Hollywood hell.

UPDATE: B-side is doing the Hollywood Glitterati thing, and since I never go to a bar more than a 15 minute drive from the TVgasm offices, he asked me to post this disclaimer that came with this message:

Los Angeles is best known as the city of Angels; where hopes and dreams are made reel. Dually it has the reputation to be the most competitive, superficial, and aristocratic cities of its kind. I have to admit up front, I don’t have any cousins, uncles, or any other long lost family members for that matter to induct me into the industry; but what I do have is heart.

In order for you to fully understand who I am; you must read this resume in its entirety. I know it may seem long and rumor has it, that Hollywood execs don’t even read a cover letter in the first place. I am extremely proud and grateful to truly embellish my passions in physical form. I could only ask that you honor the same respect to my original piece of art in writing.

I am young, talented, and have an eye for greatness, hence why I am approaching you. I have to come to see that the world’s cosmic intelligence needs help. Whether it is through pessimistic perceptions, barren behavior patterns, or melancholic mindsets, society is greatly suffering in a variety of forms. My grandest gift is creative vision and storytelling. I am here to evolve and enlighten our world by means of entertainment. I would like to ask for an opportunity in doing so. Thank you and enjoy.

     Growing up In America, I’ve always thought Big and had Great Expectations for What Dreams May Come.  I wasn’t like Ordinary People.  I played with The Dreamers. Often with my Head in the Clouds I knew that Somewhere in Time my Magic would Rain Mankind with The Gift of Happy Endings. Don’t get me wrong, I was also The Good Girl who sought out Higher Learning and The Graduate of NYU; With Honors I might add.  But after having well over Thirteen years of School Ties, I was Ready to Rumble, let Footloose, and Face Off my Proof of Life.

     I felt Forever Young in my Prime to be living as a Single White Female in the Lovely and Amazing Silver City of Manhattan.  I started applying to Vanity Fair and all The Incredibles in the fashion world.  I was Clueless as to which Sliding Doors would open my Training Day as a Working Girl first.  But I figured I’d let the Laws of Attraction do their thing.  Bring it On for I was ready to Walk the Line to become a Woman on Top. 

     Apparently I opened The Door in the Floor because to my surprise all this Good Will Hunting for Career Opportunities was having Failure to Launch.  I was Dazed and Confused as to how My Life without Me made such an abrupt U-Turn into Rush Hour Traffic.  Having The Bachelor degree was supposed to be The Sure Thing.  I was always The Shining Rock Star Driven to be the Best in Show; now I felt like a Ghost Trapped in some Mysterious Skin.  Did I have a Bad Education or was I just a Girl, Interrupted by the whole Adaptation process to the real world? Is this As Good as it Gets? Oh, God The Others weren’t kidding when they said Reality Bites!

     As the soil became Rocky, I tried to Be Cool; thinking this would will all Blow over; and continued Keeping the Faith.  Except it didn’t and I was now The Constant Gardner of Broken Flowers.  The Domino effect of Falling Down made it Mission Impossible to Bounce back from my Brokedown Palace.  As The Hours by passed ever so slowly, My Life became a bit Clockwork Orange.  I was working as a Cocktail waitress Seven shifts a week, using each Paycheck to pay Rent. I was walking Sideways about my days. While most of my nights were spent Home Alone, in a Cocoon trying to figure out why I was so Lost in Translation.  I had Enough. I could no longer keep up with the Hustle and Flow of a Sin City; nor could I Die Another Day with all this Intolerable Cruelty.  Something’s Gotta Give.  My Basic Instinct was telling me that by staying in NY, I was only Flirting with Disaster.  I never had Cruel Intentions. So why did I feel as if I was being Cast Away from The Island?  Was I Psycho or just One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest?

     My Circle of Friends would Say Anything to convince me otherwise. But, most of the time I felt like the Elephant in a Panic Room listening to them have 13 Conversations about One Thing; themselves in an Office Space.  I wasn’t about to be The Interpreter of their Disclosure for Anger Management.  I was also Out of Sight to Finding Neverland.  Anyways, Look Who’s Talking.  I just was always the Believer that you should Love Actually That Thing You Do.  Some would ask, What’s Love Got to Do with It?  I guess I’d rather be Down With Love than Swept Away by some Monster’s Inc. doing Monkey Business Just Cause it paid well.    

       So I did The Next Best Thing or what was A Lot like Love to me.  I saw Woody Allen’s new film, Match Point.  I was Moonstruck by the movie’s theme.  From Dusk till Dawn my words had The Butterfly Effect in the Notebook I ever so Cherish.  As I was writing some Poetic Justice I realized that I was being Unfaithful and living some True Lies of my own.  I could no longer appreciate all these Dirty Pretty Things.  I was heavily relying on the Safety of Objects for my Happiness as did most Gangs of New York.  And after all nothing is For Keeps.   

     The Sirens, and White Noise were Screaming at me.  I figured it was A Time to Kill the Mask I’d been wearing to my Bourne Identity.  Usually I needed Up Close and Personal Proof to partake in such Risky Business, but ironically I was the One with Eyes Wide Shut to all the Signs the Forces of Nature were giving me.  Hello Serendipity. It was a Miracle my Crash turned into an Intersection.  This was The Great Escape to bring me Closer to Wonderland.  I knew it would be A Very Long Engagement From Here to Eternity, but I wasn’t Far From Heaven.

     Hocus Pocus I was ready to Focus my newly Untamed Heart.  I let go of Fear and began to Splash the Sea Inside.  No Sense and Sensibility could explain my Fatal Attraction to films.  I had a Crazy/Beautiful idea that I should be In Good Company of those who Made them.  Even if it meant moving All the Way to Kalifornia. I had been In and Out of the idea Millions of times before.  The Producers out there were said to be in A League of Their Own.  What’s the Worst that Could Happen? It’s a Wonderful Life and after all it was the City of Angels.  The Day after Tomorrow I gave my 2 Weeks Notice, and I was soon to be Gone With the Wind to create my own West Side Story.

     The Birds flying across a Rising Sun in the Vanilla Sky overlooking the Beach; I was starting to see through a Secret Window. Yes! The Sixth Sense of mine allowed me to Go Back to the Future to enliven What Lies Beneath. 

     I have a Golden Eye that films Paradise Beyond the Sea.  I have a soul of a Hero Die Hard to Stand and Deliver creative vision.  I have A Beautiful Mind just Waiting to Exhale Some Kind of Wonderful film Phenomenon.  With all the Awakenings of my Braveheart, now is my time to Pay it Forward to the world.  Will I let that fact that Me and You and Everyone We Know wants to be a part of the film industry be In Harms Way?  Not a Chance.  I’m part of a new Fight Club now, one that involves Playing by Heart. 

   
P.S.  I know this may be over 1000 words, but 208 of them are movies.

Posted by at 6:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

The Amazing Race has had a tough year. First, Family Edition totally killed the series growing momentum, jumping the shark for many fans. Then CBS stuck the new season in the less than desirable 10 PM Tuesday timeslot where its ratings hemorrhaged behind The Unit. Luckily, a change is on the horizon. As announced last night during Survivor, our favorite travel/adventure show is moving to Wednesdays at 8 PM. Granted, this puts it in competition with America's Next Top Model, but hey, that's what dual-tuner Tivos are for, right? So be sure to take note, people. Don't let this show wind up back on the bubble again.

Posted by at 4:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Survivor finally returned from Exile Island last night, and I couldn't be happier. I needed a fresh episode more than La Mina needed nourishment. Yes, it's been a while for us Survivor fans. Last time we saw this bunch of hungry reality stars, they had just sent Dan packing with a ridiculous Tribal Council that was supposed to be moving and patriotic but was more like long and boring. At least I could take solace in knowing that the wonderfully dysfunctional Casaya was now such a mess that the merge was sure to bring chaos. Or so I thought.

The show began on the cold, dark Casaya beach. As usual, Courtney and Shane were bickering, this time over beddings and whatnot. Basically, Courtney wanted more blanket, and Shane didn't want to give it to her. This led to assorted pissy comments, with Courtney ultimately turning away and trying to sleep -- visions of beached tortoises filling her dreams.

The next morning, Courtney complained to any person and/or hermit crab in a five yard radius about how cold and wet she was the night before. I did feel badly for her. It was bad enough that she had to sleep in the cold and rain, but then to have be nestled next to Shane and his man-stank? I don't wish that on anyone. Courtney then explained how everyone was huddled together, but when she tried to join in, Shane just kept elbowing her away. To be fair, he thought she was a giant tarantula trying to steal his thinking stump. Did I mention that Shane's crazy?

Later, we found Bruce cleaning up his zen garden, much to the amusement of Aras. You'd think a yoga instructor would have more respect for Bruce's spirituality, but then again, you'd also think a yoga instructor would, you know, do yoga once in a while too.

Meanwhile, over on Exile Island, Sally was still chilling out, waiting to be reunited with someone, anyone. She passed the time by sunning on top of that skull structure and occasionally digging holes in the ground. You'd think she was looking for the immunity idol (which Terry had already found), but little known fact: when bored, Sally actually digs holes for fun. Okay, I made that up, but I could totally imagine it.

Over at La Mina, the guys looked like they all might just keel over and die. Well, at least Austin and Nick. Terry was doing fine, as always. Their morning of malaise was soon broken up by a mysterious message that urged them to search the island for some luxury item. This excited the men greatly, with Austin proclaiming, "Marvin Gaye said it best, 'Let's get it on up in this piece!'" Not sure if those are authentic lyrics, what with the whole "up in this piece" bit there, but yes, I'm sure Marvin Gaye was referring to a treasure hunt in Panama when he wrote that song. I'm surprised Austin didn't then say, "Well, time to start searching. Or to quote the legendary 50 Cent, 'We'll be up in dis bitch 'till we break daylight.'"

Well, the guys roamed around, eventually finding a boat moored on the beach. On this little vessel was some firewood and a crate which couldn't be opened until La Mina merged with Casaya. Did you hear that? Merge! Well, since La Mina had become so La Worthless, the guys had to hop in the boat and paddle all the way to their rivals' beach. The guys packed everything up and immediately began talking strategy. Basically, they needed to switch someone over from Casaya -- and seeing how fractured Casaya was, this shouldn't be difficult. If La Mina couldn't shake things up, they were all a bunch of idiots. Ace in the hole, right? Right?

Anyway, the guys decided they would prey on Shane and Bruce. Terry, meanwhile, had his own strategies to deal with. He had to figure out what role his hidden immunity idol would play. You see, he didn't want to use it until he reached the final four, but he noted, "if I need to use that thing strategically, then I'll do it." Uh, what other way is there to use it? As a shovel? A night charm?

Finally, the La Mina guys left camp -- all to the sound of soaring, triumphant music. With all the fanfare, I thought Astronaut Dan might be returning for a second, but no. His pale figure did not emerge from the bush. The men then rowed across the sea, and as they approached Casaya, Austin commented, "I'm ready to meet some new personalities, get in there, start bobbing and weaving like Sugar Ray Leonard." Seriously, he's really going for the forced black celebrity analogies today, isn't he?

Over at Casaya, the camp was in a state of total boredom. Their afternoon soon sparked to life as La Mina appeared on the horizon. Well, new guests coming to camp -- what to do? "All of us just chowed the rice 'cause, 'cause we're heathens, and we didn't want to share," Aras laughed. Gotta love that Survivor spirit! Shane then called the group together and made a quick pep talk about sticking together. Yeah, we'll see how he feels five minutes from now when he's hungry again.

Anyway, Terry, Nick, and Austin all arrived at the camp and were greeted with phony hugs and smiles. "They just welcomed us into their home!" Nick happily (read: naively) observed. Poor Nick. He's just entered the innermost circle of hell. Moments later, another vessel showed up at the beaches, and our flaxen gal Sally hopped off, also joining the tribe. Wow! Everyone was together! This was the best Brady reunion ever!

Well, every good merge calls for a good feast, and the gang all opened that infernal crate and pounced on its savory innards. There were drinks and snacks and arts & crafts for a new flag. What else could a person want? (Except for electricity, running water, a refrigerator, shelter, bug spray, a car, some money, a tooth brush, a candy bar, maybe a cheeseburger, a pillow, some blankets, clean clothes, did I mention running water?)

Everyone then stuffed their faces with grub; although, no one can quite stuff their faces the way Shane can. I'm pretty sure he's about three or four million years less evolved than the rest of us are from cavemen. Try this one out for size: eat with your mouth closed, SHANE.

After lunch, it was time to expand the shelter, and it didn't take a genius to anticipate Shane getting annoyed with Terry's take-charge attitude. There's only enough room for one alpha-male on this island, buckaroo. And by alpha-male, I mean scrawny, paranoid lunatic. Sure enough, Shane told us, "It's hard to tell, but I think that Terry does not have the Immunity Idol. Next time he doesn't get immunity, he's out." Oh wonderful. This could only lead to a wonderful backfire.

My dreams of a total Tribal Council disaster came even closer to realization as Aras told Shane, "We'll let Captain America take the lead." (And yes, Captain America was their term for Terry).

"Let Terry build it [the shelter], then we'll vote him off," Shane responded. Excellent. You all shall perish!

Meanwhile, Terry began his official campaign to win over a Casaya member. Shouldn't be difficult, given all the rifts, but then again, one can never underestimate Terry's incredibly lame attempts at scheming. Well, actually, I shouldn't say "scheming." Terry doesn't actually scheme. Instead, he offers deals. Dumb deals. For instance, he gave Bruce the chance to be top five! GREAT! That's like that season (I think it was Palau) when someone offered a person to be top seven. Why not just offer someone top fifteen at that point?

Just in case there was any doubt on this savory deal, Terry then said he'd shake on it AND look Bruce in the eye. "I'm a mad of my word," Terry said. Yeah, like that time he voted off Dan. Oh wait...

Sensing that Terry was trying to turn Bruce, Shane and Aras devised a little strategy to win back their Mr. Miyagi. They decided to make him feel like he was the leader, which meant the two guys kept saying things like "You're the leader now, Bruce!" And because Bruce is something of a chump, he totally fell into it -- not questioning why these people who had always been antagonistic to him were suddenly deferring to him on all questions. For sure, Bruce did notice that people were fawning over him a little more. He even bragged about being in a power position to us -- always a dangerous move. Cocky swing voters never last long.

Well, when simple deal making doesn't work, there's always another way to turn someone: bash them in the face with a machete! Yes, in what looked like a fairly painful accident, Nick managed to strike Bruce right in the grill with his machete. Basically, he was sawing away at a piece of rope, and in a brilliant move, Bruce stood RIGHT OVER THE ROPE so that when it inevitably snapped, the machete went flying forward, swiftly chopping him in the face. This caused a gash in his lip and a chip in his tooth, and they way they were talking, I thought Bruce might need a special visit to the Exile Island Plastic/Oral Surgeon. But in reality, while it may have been painful, Bruce seemed to get over it pretty quickly, and his lip didn't look so bad. Either way, not a great way to ingratiate yourself, NICK.

Later on "Merge Beach" (and yes, that was the overly technical name CBS temporarily named this campsite), woeful machete victim Bruce painted the tribe flag, and let me tell you something, this flag was about ten times better looking than any other homemade one in the history of the game. Normally the merged tribes create a garish concoction that looks a hair better than some pre-school hand paint disaster. Anyway, the new tribe was called Gitanos -- the Spanish word for gypsies -- which would have made sense had any of them been, you know, gypsies.

Sensing that Bruce may not be as easy to turn as he would have liked, Terry then tried to work his "magic" on Shane, offering him top six if he were to bring Cirie into the fold as well. Of course, Shane wasn't into this offer because, well, it was completely dumb, but that didn't stop Terry from approaching Cirie. "Our group of four would like to offer you and Shane the opportunity to take the burden of Tribal Council off your shoulders for the next two weeks," he said. Why so formal? It's not like this was an invitation to a garden party.

Luckily, Cirie saw right through this scheme, telling us, "It's like a dictionary salesman. I mean, I already have an encyclopedia collection here, and you want to sell me a dictionary?" Sure enough, Cirie and Shane both turned down Terry's wonderful invitation, thus ruining any shot they had at turning a Casayan. The problem here was that Terry was making random deals that really offered no upside to any of these people. He needed to scheme more -- get in their heads. He and his cohorts needed to expose tensions, stoke the paranoia. At the very least, get them wondering what the pecking order will be like once the La Mina folk are gone. Once everyone's sufficiently angry at each other, that's when you make the deal. Gotta get them vulnerable.

At the immunity challenge, the tribe filed in, and Aras made a particular jackass of himself by sporting a high faux-hawk. Here's the thing: you're stranded in the wilderness. Fashion and style really don't matter anymore. The fact that he actually went and put water in his hair to preserve his faux-hawk is just so sadly narcissistic. I'm surprised he didn't fashion a Von Dutch hat out of palm fronds and seashells.

Anyway, this week's immunity challenge was the first endurance test of the season. The survivors all had to climb up to a horizontal pole, latch on, and then hang on upside down for as long as possible. That's it. Poor Cirie -- she'd be done in about three seconds flat. Well, everyone climbed on up and assumed their positions. It sort of was like a modified elephant walk as nearly everyone had their heads stuck in someone else's asses. An appropriate visual image for this show, I suppose. We then cut to the smoldering afternoon sun, and when we came back to the challenge, a whopping three minutes had elapsed. Wow. This was hardcore!

As predicted, Cirie fell first and took a spot on the sand. Seven minutes later, Probst engaged in his favorite pastime: provoking the players. "You start to feel your muscles cramp..." he said, hoping to get inside all their heads. Honestly, he just loves screwing with people. Soon Aras dropped, which was surprising. I figured a yoga instructor would be able to meditate through such adversity, but that's assuming Aras actually is a yoga instructor, not some aspiring pretty-boy actor -- like Shane. But then again, he didn't need immunity, so who cared, right?

Well, Bruce and Sally dropped next while Shane bargained for food from Probst. Dude, you just ate at the merge feast. Maybe this guy has a parasite of some sort. Either that, or he's just a total idiot. Yeah, probably that last one. Well, Probst said no food, to which Shane promptly grunted and dropped too. Oh, how I would have laughed had Probst then carted out a cheeseburger.

Danielle and Courtney gave up next, leaving only the three men of La Mina on the pole. After about twenty minutes, they began negotiating, but that really led nowhere. Ten minutes later, Austin dropped out, leaving Terry and Nick. It was a close race, but at the forty minute mark, Nick couldn't hang on any longer. He fell, leaving Terry to win immunity. This meant that Probst got to drape the new immunity idol -- or immunity bib, really -- over Terry's head. Terry LOVES immunity!

Back at camp, La Mina scrambled for some sort of last-ditch effort to save itself. Terry considered using the idol as a bribe -- a stupid idea, if you ask me. Austin, meanwhile, saw the writing on the wall and could tell it would either be him or Nick going home. He approached Bruce and asked if he could have a prayer with him. When Bruce said yes, Austin suddenly flung his arms around him and embraced him, saying something about Jesus in the process. Bruce put up with it pretty well, but you could tell he was thinking, "Uh, I said we could pray, not make out."

Austin then told us "I'm going home. There's no question about it." So clearly he wasn't. But who would be?

Well, we then found Nick sitting by himself, saying that his one goal was to make it to the jury. That's all he wanted. One more night. Sorry, Nick. You just sealed your fate. Adios.

As La Mina all sat around and twiddled their thumbs, Shane called a Casaya powwow to discuss their voting strategies. Basically, it came down to Nick or Austin. Well, in typical sore loser form, La Mina balked at this cocky assemblage, despite the fact that Casaya at least did it off to the side. Terry even chastised some of the people, asking if they could have been nicer about strutting their power. Oh be quiet, Terry. It's Survivor, not the prom.

Well, because it was obvious that this would be a La Mina loss, Tribal Council wasn't particularly exciting. Jeff grilled everyone about all sorts of things, but even he couldn't get persnickety about anything this week. Austin revealed that during the immunity challenge, he was pretending to be weak, which was an odd thing to 'fess up to, considering it was a secret strategy and whatnot. Still, everyone was SHOCKED by this development as we then cut to various people with their jaws hanging. Obviously, this footage was culled from some other parts of Tribal Council -- maybe a time when Jeff revealed an inappropriate secret -- like he has a third testicle or a nipple on his butt.

Probst then ventured into the rare world of sound effects as he said, "Shane, the second you guys found out there was gonna be no food to tempt you down, it was plop, plop, plop!" Sadly, this was not followed by a "choo-choo!" noise or a "Meeeow." I don't know why Probst would meow, but I'd welcome it. Nay, encourage it.

In an effort to spice up this Tribal Council, Probst continued to paint Casaya as an exceedingly cocky tribe. I think this may have been an attempted misdirection -- one that would have us thinking that the bottom would fall out from under them -- but considering that absolutely no camera time had been devoted to a possible Casaya ouster, we knew that this cockiness would lead to no big surprises.

At long last, it was voting time. The first four went to Shane, who looked like he might just flip out and punch something. Did he not expect that? He's totally the type of Lex character that maniacally root out those who voted against him. Just when it seemed like Shane was on the precipice of going home, we suddenly got three votes for Nick. Well, four votes if you count "Nic." I appreciated the producers making this seem exciting with a tie and everything, but c'mon, twelve seasons in -- you can't pull the wool over our eyes so easily any more. Sure enough, the last two votes went to Nick, and he was sent home. But wait! Maybe not! Probst asked if he had the immunity idol. Nick reached behind him, and for a split second, I actually thought that maybe Terry had given it to him. But no, it was just a fakeout. Nick brought his torch up to Probst and learned that the tribe had in fact spoken. As the expelled castaway walked away, he tossed some sort of garment back at the group and uttered something in the sort of semi-whisper/gulp you always wish didn't come out right before you cry.

Perhaps the most random and amusing part of the entire hour came right at the end when Nick shared his final words. Not sure, but somewhere between Probst's snuffer and the post-elimination confessional, I think Nick may have been abducted and brainwashed by a motivational speaker cult. He said, "All you kids in your mid-twenties that are in my situation -- confused, not sure which direction life's pulling you, just trying to find yourself -- I urge us all: please be hungry, be foolish. Block out the noise, find yourselves. Be who you potentially are. And be true to your dreams and what you really want to do. If we all maximize that personal freedom, that will change the world." He then added, "Oh, and Shane's a douchebag."

Okay, he didn't say that last thing, but seriously -- where did that come from? And how come we never knew that Nick was so "confused"? What did you think of the episode? And how do you think La Mina can get back in this thing?

Posted by at 2:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (27)

Oh. My. God. Lincoln is totally going to fry! He was strapped down in the antiquated electric chair and the witnesses (Michael, Veronica, Dr. Tancredi, and 3 members of the press) took their places behind the glass. The drips from the wet sponge placed on Lincoln's head was mixing with his beads of sweat. Warden Pope nodded his head and Bellick eagerly approached the switch. The clock showed 11:59PM and I peed a little.

Through clenched teeth Lincoln muttered his last words: "It's him! It's him!" Huh? He couldn't move his head so he tried to make Michael turn around to see "him" by moving his eyes. "Him" was a white-haired gentleman standing behind Michael watching the proceedings. Pope made a small effort to understand the condemned man's words, but time was a'ticking and really, with one minute to live, if you're not Batman or James Bond, you're not going to be making any sense anyway.

15 seconds to go... Bellick's hand on the switch... Michael and Veronica hug... The curtain draws in front of the witnesses...

Michael seethed, "What's Happening?!" At that, Rog pulled up a chair, turned it backwards and took a seat. Dwayne offered up a, "Hie hie hie!" and Re-Run danced the fool. All of this left Michael and Veronica very confused. They were taken to a big room with a table and left there to greive while Shirley brought them a couple milkshakes and burgers. The Warden glumly entered the room with his head slung low and intoned, "I can't tell you how sorry I am that you had to go through all this."

EXTREME Lincoln!
*Clink*Chink*Clink* What thuh? Why... it was Lincoln! He's alive! (I especially liked how the Warden did his best Phil Koeghan at-the-finishing-mat impression; to a team who isn't in last place, "Michael and Veronica? *long pause* Welcome to the grieving room. *Long pause, head bowed* You are... *longer pause, eyebrow raised* ...Crying for no good reason! Lincoln is alive!") The judge Veronica saw earlier had delayed the execution, and now Michael was able to speak to his brother. Though quite shaken (wuss), Lincoln asked Michael, "Did you see the guy in the viewing room?" Michael hadn't but wondered why it mattered. Because, "It was dad... It was dad!" Wowzers - that's twist - but Michael wasn't buying it.

I promised myself I wouldn't apologize to the vast and demanding Tvgasm readership for "late" recaps anymore. But with the other writers banging out recaps at a volume and velocity never before seen around here, I still feel I must. Blame the premieres of two excellent shows that are never mentioned around here: Anthony Bourdain's "No Reservations" on the Travel Channel, and "Deadliest Catch" on TLC. Oh, and my baby too.

Halfway across the country in Washington DC, Vice President thirtysomething was seething at Agent Kellerman. She was pissed that Lincoln was still alive and wondered how this was so. "Perhaps your fat friend Hale leaked some pertinent information?" Zing! Kellerman denied this possibility and turned to the woman sitting in the chair. Yup, it's former CTU director Lynn Kresge cum Admiral Helena Cain on Battlestar Gallactica cum dirty Agent Samantha Brinker on "Prison Break." She gets around, apparently. Kellerman suggested that the leak was on Brinker's side of the house - from "The Company." She, of course, denied that and the VP shut them both up with an angry, "Just find the leak and PLUG IT."

EXTREME Michael!
Two thoughts: First, the Vice President tried to get rid of Kellerman and even have him killed about a week ago in "Prison Break" time (via Agent Quinn). I find it odd that she's now heavily relying on him again. And second, if there's a leak, and a former CTU director is involved, I think it's pretty damn obvious where the leak came from. Doesn't the VP watch TV?!

Meanwhile, the judge who delayed the execution was meeting with Veronica and the the government's lawyer. The evidence the judge used for the delay was a medical record showing that the VP's brother, Terrance Steadman - the guy Lincoln supposedly shot - had an appendectomy at age 12. So what? Well, the coroner's report of the guy they buried showed he had an appendix. And where did these documents come from? Someone slipped them in an envelope under the judge's office door earlier that evening. As flimsy and easily faked as this was, the judge ordered an exhumation of Steadman's body and a 2 week stay of execution. I can dig that.

Lincoln, reprising his role in "Darrow," asked the Warden about the witnesses to his non-execution. Pope explains how the three people he didn't know were reporters and not his father. Over in Gen Pop, Michael was at it again with his mirrors and tattoos. Sucre asked the question we've all wanted to ask - especially since Michael is a genius - "Why didn't you just memorize that stuff?" No shit, Sucre.

Later, out in the snowy yard, the boys were complaining about the weather. C-Note, never one to be afraid of a good witticism, suggested that the others do what one does regarding "bad weather in the midwest... Wait an hour." As a New Englander, I'd like to correct our dear Mr. Franklin. The quote he botched was from Mark Twain and it actuality was, "If you don't like the weather in New England, wait a few minutes." Sorry, had to get that off my chest. (For the record, EdHill lives about a mile from Twain's house in Hartford, CT. B-Side and J-Unit hang with Hollywood stars in chic-chic lounge bars and we have a dead author's rickity old house.)

EXTREME soliloquy!
Michael was hatching a new escape plan, one which required everyone to pop up out of the ground and scurry across the prison yard and then into the Psyhiatric Asylum, aka, the "Wack Shack." The boys didn't like that plan so much as it would expose them to two guard towers. Michael didn't seem too fazed and decided he would go into the walls again to familiarize himself with the new pipe pathway he'd need to follow. But how the hell would he ever be able to walk across the prison yard and get into the Asylum? Sucre, bless his heart, had an idea... And it wasn't completely stupid for once!

Out in the free world, the VP was giving a presser and boy was she steamed. How dare the judge rule for Lincoln's stay and how dare they exhume her brother. Well, tough shit lady, they did dig up the coffin and they were going to forensically crime scene investigate it. Unfortunately for the good guys, the bad guys were super eco-concious and used a biodegradable coffin and no embalming fluid - making the evidence rather difficult to ascertain. Hey, you gotta look out for the worms and pillbugs when carrying out your conspiratorial plans.

Sucre made his way the laundry room (this being one of those liberal "Free roaming" prisons) to meet up with his cousin, Horatio Sanz. Sucre was begging him for a favor but Horatio wasn't budging. For his part, Horatio didn't lose face and laugh uncontrollably like he often does. Hooray-tio! Anyway, Sucre brought up some blackmail item about "the donkey," and cousin Horatio caved - he'd help out the cause and later dropped off a mysterious package to Sucre in his cell.

EXTREME Sanz!
Lincoln experienced a flashback to Wrigley Field and the Cubs even sucked in his dreams. He was a little kid in his vision enjoying the day with his dad. Later, he asked Dr. Tancredi about "seeing people," and she confirmed that post traumatic stress disorder and/or anxiety could cause someone to "see things" that would comfort them. Lincoln continued to have flashbacks throughout the episode and at one point saw the name on the back of the pitcher's jersey - Prall. As it turned out, the mysterious "Dad" at the non-execution gave his name as Willie Prall - a pitcher that young Lincoln enjoyed in 1975 with his dad. Were the 1975 Cubs so bad that little kids had to pin their hopes on career 0-2 pitchers with 8.59 ERA's? Willie Prall sucked.

There were a few scenes where Bellick and the other Castlevania College guards almost caught the boys, but some quick thinking on the parts of T-Bag, Westmoreland, and C-Note saved their bacon. It should be noted that Bellick did get in a good dig on the prisoners; "You cons are slower than a spelling bee full of stutterers." I would have gone with, "Slower than Timmy's rendition of the 'Twelve Days of Christmas,' but I'm a bit cooler than Bellick.

After one last scene of the gang where Westmoreland called out C-Note for his ridiculous, "I'm in Iraq not Fox River Prison" scam (He circumvents our previous concerns about the postmark by mailing the postcards to his boy who actually IS in Iraq first - further proof that the show's writers read this blog), Michael went into the maze of pipes to seek out the new escape route.

EXTREME Old Head!
And speaking of the show's writers, here's another note to you: Michael was concerned about the maze of pipes - the original lead pipes overlayed with copper pipes some years later, and then updated again with a third run of PVC piping. With so many choices, his path would be a confusing and difficult one. I have to ask, why? Each pipe system is independent of the other - Michael said this himself. Once he's in one set, he can't mistakenly jump to another, right? Feel free to email J-Unit to remind him to not let anyone else with OCD write recaps.

Michael made his way to the manhole in the prison yard and climbed up through it. The guard tower light shone upon him and - he was wearing a guard's outfit! Nice work, Horatio Sanz, nice work. Michael gave the tower the official prison guard wave and was thusly ignored, scheduled guard rounds be damned. Next stop: the Wack Shack.

He was able to convince the guard guy at the Asylum that he was simple a guard who needed to piss, no credential necessary. (Oh, to be as handsome as Michael and always get what I want...) Instead of pissing, though, Michael wound his way down into the creepist basement I've ever seen. This was an insane asylum for criminals after all, but why the tricycles and cobwebbed shopping carts? Weird. After poking around for a few minutes, Michael found the convenient hole in the ground down into the pipes. He flashed a smile but that was because he didn't realize bedcheck was occuring back near his cell. Uh-oh...

The CSI:Chicago team was examining the supposed corpse of the VP's brother. The guy who did the forensics looked very similar to the old bearded guy on CSI: Original. He claimed that the only evidence he could readily test was the dental records and that the dead guy was indeed Terrance Steadman. Nick and Veronica left the room in disgust and bumped into the Vice President just hanging out in the hallway. She glared at the two lawyers and said, "You've gotten your pound of flesh. Are you done now or would you like to hurt my family some more?" Much to my chagrin, Nick didn't quip, "Just a pound? Your rotting maggot infested brother weighs much more than that, you bitch."

EXTREME corpse!
Michael wound his way back to his cell though the pipes again while the bedcheck guard was inching closer and closer to Sucre. While slinking through the steamroom, a random guard appeared, walked down the stairs, and snuck in a few hits from his vodka bottle. Typical state employee.

Unfortunataly for our hero, the guard's close presence forced Michael to back up into a hot steam pipe. Funny that in an episode where Lincoln was supposed to fry, his little brother was the one turned into crispy flesh-bacon. *SSSssssssttttt* Ouch. The boozing guard shuffled away and Michael made it back to his cell before the guards noticed his absense.

Once in his cell, Sucre had to rip the melted polyester shirt from his 3rd degree burn. The guard saunted past and somehow didn't notice the putrid smell of burning flesh. Of course this latest injury (perhaps even worse than having his pinky toe lopped off way back when) would have to be treated by Dr. Tancredi and of course Michael would confound her by not telling her how he got so badly burnt and of course she'd get mad at him again and of course she'll get over it next week and of course Michael will end up finger-banging her in the Wack Shack basement hung upside down from the moldy macrame bondage swing I saw down there. Hey, I told you it was a weird basement. And you can now cross "finger-bang" off of your "sg-dub crazy word bingo" sheets, if you had that.

I told you it was a bad burn
Sucre was blamed for Michael's burn but he denied having anything to do with it. But then when Bellick sarcastically quipped, "Do you want me to bring Matlock in on this one," and Sucre honestly answered, "Who's Matlock?" - Then Bellick and Pope knew he was lying. Who's Matlock?! Only the greatest trial lawyer of all time!

Tying up the final loose ends, Horatio Sanz (or, "D-Cups" as the guard called him. I love this show.) had to answer to the burned guard shirt and Sucre had to answer his cousin's question of, "What you got going on that gots you burning up guard suits?" So now Horatio was begging to get in on the plan. Sigh.

Finally, Kellerman and Brinker were reviewing videotape of whoever slipped the judge the appendectomy files - it wasn't too clear, but it sure looked like Willie Prall/Lincoln's father to me. And not only that, Brinker claimed to know the man. Ok, now it's getting GOOD. If that weren't enough to get you excited for Monday night, Dr. Tancredi identified a piece of fabric stuck in Michael's burn wound as a guard shirt AND furthermore, the burn burned off some important piece of the pipe blueprint tattoo on Michael's back.

EXTREME pain!
AND now I totally want a macrame bondage swing. Totally.

Posted by at 2:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

To watch all The Office April Fools PSA's go to The Office website.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 1:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Despite what you may have heard, HBO's new documentary All Aboard! Rosie's Family Cruise (check local listings), is not a chronicle of Ms. O'Donnell's playful romp through a 2,000 passenger oceanliner telling people that she "HAS TO GO TO THE BAFROOM!!" and checking to make sure there are no broken toilet seats. It's not just an account of what Rosie would do to Will Smith if he were around or trying to sell people on her nutrional diet of oreo cookies and chocolate milk. It's not even a lame excuse for me to mention all of the times we have made fun of Rosie's acting. It's actually a story of how Rosie and Kelli O'Donnell chartered a cruise ship back in '04 after feeling there was a lack of vacation options for gay and lesbian families, and unlike Riding the Bus with My Sister, looks like it was actually well-produced. If nothing else, it gives you an excuse to head to Rosie's blog, catch the trailer, and entertain yourself with some new poetry. All Aboard! premeires April 6th on HBO.

Posted by at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Okay, is it just me, or is something seriously missing from this show? Four episodes in and none of the models have been coked up on camera, nobody's thrown up in a bar (let alone been thrown out of one), and there hasn't been a single instance of hot girl-on-girl action yet. Well, 8th and Ocean, I've seen Gia. I've paused Gia. And you, my pretty poseurs, are no Gia.

Still, since they don't pay me to recap bad movies (yet!), I guess I should move on to the matter at hand. This week's episode starts off promisingly enough, with Britt and Tracie on the beach talking about whether it's okay to date male models. Tracie tells Britt to stay away from them, because in her eyes, all male models are dogs. Unfortunately, she never says why she feels this way. They're always humping her leg? They'd be happy lying around licking their balls? They eat their own shit? From what I've seen of the guys on this show, I'm going with number three. Or maybe number two.

Heheheh. I said number two.

After the theme song (which I already despise), the Iron Maiden and her bookers are looking over Tracie's book. The first shots are okay, then Irene comes across one that is "horrible" and shouldn't be in there. "She used to do a lot better," says Irene. "What happened to her?" Everyone agrees that Tracie is just too skinny. I'm sorry. Someone must have stuck a dick in my ear, because I swear someone just said a model was too skinny. Oh wait, they're not worried about her weight because of any health concerns; they're just worried that it makes her look old. Schew, for a minute there, I thought they actually cared about Tracie.

Tracie is sent to a casting at "Catch A Fire" clothing. While she's sitting in the hallway with a bunch of other Auschwitz wannabes, Quincy the casting director comes by and gives Tracie a quick hugnkiss. That makes the other models (and Tracie) think she'll get the job. Unfortunately, Ms. Cedella Marley, who just happens to be the designer, feels otherwise. One look at Tracie's book is all it takes to convince Cedella that "there's no edge." I bet Iron Man would beg to differ. According to she and the harpies, Tracie is nothing but edges. I don't get it. Sure, the girl could stand to eat a few dozen cheeseburgers, but she's no Karen Carpenter. Hell, she's not even a Tracey Gold.

Back at the apartment, Teddy and Sean are talking about what else? Girls. Teddy is tired of seeing happy couples everywhere he looks. Sean tells him to relax, that love's a good thing. "Sometimes it's good," Teddy says. Like when he's looking in the mirror. Sean is surprised when Teddy says he's going to ask Britt out today. "Isn't she religious or something?" Teddy just laughs, prompting Sean to ponder, "you never know. It is harvest season. Time to plant your seed and wait." Wow, Sean makes love sound so romantic.

Inside, Sabrina is on the phone, whining to someone about how unhappy she is that the agency won't send her on any casting calls. She's sick of people telling her not to go somewhere. Sick, I tell you! So she's going to start doing things on her own. Yeah, that'll show 'em. How dare your bosses tell you how to do your job. Suddenly, the temperature in the room plunges 30-degrees as the Ice Maiden pays a surprise visit to the apartment. "Since I couldn’t find Sabrina, I came to Sabrina," she says. Wha? Irene is concerned, and wants to know why Sabrina is crying and upset. Duh! Because you won't let her ruin her career!

Sabrina says she's not upset about her skin as much as the fact that the agency isn't pushing her as hard as the other girls. She has no jobs, nowhere to go, she can't work, can't cast… Damn your black hide, sebaceous glands!

Irene reiterates the reason she's not working is her skin resembles a sheet of flesh-colored bubble wrap. Of course, Sabrina doesn't want to hear it. She says she's not trying to be defiant, but Irene points out that Sabrina did go to a casting yesterday she was told not to. Sabrina says it's just hard to deal with having a successful twin and being around other models whose skin doesn't resemble a pineapple. Irene understands. "Twin dynamics are tough enough without your skin issues," she says. And right now, Kelly's booty is just more cuppable. They agree to give her skin a few more weeks to clear up, then Sabrina can start going on castings again.

Britt stops by Teddy's apartment and asks about the girl she saw him with last night. "Which girl?" Teddy asks. Ah, the life of a mimbo. Britt says she walked by and didn't want to interrupt their date. He denies being on a date, and says he just met the girl a half hour earlier. And since 10 of those minutes were in the dark in the coat room while they were doing it, technically he'd only known her for 20 minutes. Although biblically it was the entire 30. Teddy asks Britt if she'd like to go to dinner on Thursday, at a "cool chill" place. A French crepe place, to be exact. Teddy is so cool. And chill.

Back at the agency, Tracie is meeting with Suzy, who tells her she didn't get the "Catch A Fire" gig. Tracie can't believe it, and is upset that things are so slow for her right now. Hey, at least you still have good skin. Suzy says not to worry, that it's just competitive out there on the beach right now. I hope we get to see Charles Atlas kick sand in Tracie's face.

Allee calls the guys and sends them on a casting call at 2:00 that afternoon. Vinci is confused by this strange thing called time. At first, nobody knows what the shoot is for, but Teddy doesn't care because he sees Heide, Irene's "rising star". Britt shows up, and she is not happy about Heide. To make matters worse, the casting director puts Teddy and Heide together, telling Teddy to make a "mean face" for the camera. If by "mean" she meant "vacant" then Teddy nails it. If by "mean" she meant "Heide" Teddy nails that too.

Irene and Suzy are once again engaging in their favorite behavior of the week: complaining about Tracie's weight. Suzy says Tracie is freaking out because she's not getting any work, to which Irene replies that Tracie knows the ropes and should realize sometimes you're hot, sometimes you're not. I sure could use an Almond Joy right about now. And so could Tracie.

Hey, it's Vinci! At the beach! With Teddy! (Everything's just more exciting when Vinci's around!) Vinci asks Teddy if he likes Brazilians. (The women, not the wax. I think.) Teddy says that Brazilians are the most beautiful girls in the world, but quickly changes the subject to how awkward he felt posing with Heide when he's supposed to be going out with Britt. "Uh huh uh huh uh huh," mumbles Vinci. He can't understand why Teddy is talking about two girls who aren't here, "when there are like one million girl here." Other things Vinci can't understand: Velcro.

Next, Irene meets Tracie on a random bench to talk about her book. And by book, of course, she means weight. Tracie would like to change her book up a bit, and Irene agrees that's a good idea. Tracie's a woman now, not a teenager, and needs to start looking like a woman. So does that mean it's okay for teenagers to be too skinny? Dang-gummit, modeling is confusing!

Later that night, Teddy calls Heide and asks if she wants to come over. While over at the girls' apartment, it's Girl's Night Out, which evidently means girls stay in and eat Papa John's pizza. They start playing some game where they draw questions out of a hat and have to answer them. Tracie is asked if she could be more like anybody in the house, who would it be? She says Britt, because she's a virgin. Does that mean Tracie regrets not being a virgin? Because I'm sure someone in Britt's "Model's for Christ" group could tell her the secret to becoming a Second Virgin^TM. (It's spelled a-n-a-l.) Britt says her vajajay belongs to the Lord, and Tracie shouldn't talk about it like that, but Talesha tells her to chill. "If you don't have it, you won't miss it." Wow, who knew Talesha was married?

Outside, Heide and Teddy are enjoying a dip in the hot tub. And by "enjoying a dip", of course, I mean making out. At one point, Heide tells Teddy he's a hottie, but then remembers he doesn't like that word. Evidently, it has too many syllables. She suggests "gorgeousie" instead, but they both agree that's even worse. Not to mention made up. Moving in for another kiss, Teddy tells Heide he likes her, then asks if she likes him. What a smoothie. I'm surprised he didn't just ask one of the other girls to pass Heide a note.

Speaking of the other girls, they're up on the balcony spying on the young lovebirds. Britt for one can't believe what she's seeing. We know this because she says "I did not just see that" three times. Look, telling yourself you didn't see something won't make the memory go away, Britt. Don't believe me? Then just try to forget this. Tracie tells Britt that Teddy told her he liked Heide, which makes Britt wonder why Teddy ever asked her out in the first place. Boy, they sure grow 'em dumb in Kansas, don't they. I bet she thinks you can catch gonorrhea from riding a tractor in your bathing suit, too. The other girls say Teddy just doesn't know what he wants, but they do think that Heide is cool. Briana actually talks for once and says that "cool" to Teddy means she lets him touch her boobies. When you put it that way, Heide does sound pretty cool.

In case you forgot the show is taped in Miami, it's time for another beach scene. This time Britt is talking to one of the twins about Teddy. (I think it's Kelly, because her face isn't oozing pus.). Maybekelly says Britt is the kind of girl Teddy would like to have, but the girls that are more like him are the ones he ends up with, ie not married to Jesus.

Finally, Britt visits Teddy in the apartment and calls the whole thing off. She just doesn't think it's a good idea for them to date, because they have different morals and make different daily choices. Teddy tries to act all hurt and plays the sympathy card: "So, I'm not even worth hanging out with? I just want to take you to dinner, you know?" Britt didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday, though, and tells Teddy it's just not going to work between them. Teddy tries one last time, telling her she doesn't know him enough for that to be a reason, but whatever. Besides, it's only a few more minutes until the roofies kick in.

So, what do you think of this week's ep? Did Britt make the right choice? Is Tracie too skinny? Will Irene's face melt if it gets wet? Vinci!

Posted by at 9:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (25)

Beginning tonight at midnight, Showtime will be offering free service until April 4. When I scampered on over to the Showtime website I realized, they have some damned good shows. In my humble opinion, better than the HBO lineup. For those of you who either don't already get Showtime, or don't pay attention to it, please use this weekend as a chance for a few choice TVgasm picks that you may not be watching.

Our recommendations after the jump.

Masters Of Horror - One hour stand alone movies written or directed by gurus of the horror genre. Nice to see what filmmakers used to 90 plus minutes for horror can do in only 60. For a complete list of writers and directors of season one, check out the imdb listing of the series.

Sleeper Cell - Best suspense on television since the first season of 24. Sleeper cell follows an FBI agent (who happens to be a Muslim) as he goes undercover in a sleeper cell located in LA in the weeks leading up to a terrorist attack.

Penn & Tellers Bullshit! - Skeptical magician (what’s plural for magician?) Penn & Teller de-bunk, de-face and otherwise destroy any and all potential bullshitters. From herbal remedies, to Mother Theresa and Gandhi (no joke), these two take on topics that by the end will have you questioning the world through laughter.

Huff - My favorite Showtime show (next to Sleeper Cell). Huff follows a umm... well it's about a... kinda hard to explain. Long story short, well written, brilliantly cast and shockingly compelling. It begins its second season this Sunday night so there is a good chance of a Sunday mid-day marathon to get caught up.

The L-Word - I came for the girl on girl action, but I stayed for the drama. (please do not read that dirtier than it was intended)

I wonder if you have cable with InDemand, if the Showtime InDemand channel will be free as well (as it is for Showtime subscribers). If it is, I strongly recommend taking advantage of the weekend and watching the whole season of SLEEPER CELL (6 episode series), a few episodes of Masters of Horror, a few of Bullshit!, and season one of HUFF and call it a weekend.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 6:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

The lovely and talented Kat has taken a brief sabbatical for the next few weeks so she has graciously passed her duties of Lost recapping onto me. I of course am thrilled because I was getting sick of having her episodes be the ones where all the good stuff happens and then I get stuck with the lame “Charlie does drugs” filler junk. And after last weeks preview I knew this episode was going to be a good one. I was of course right. All sorts of great stuff happened this week. The preview however said that there were "five things" that were going to happen in this episode that will shock us all, but I gotta tell ya, after seeing it I wasn't sure which 5 they were talking about. Like, when Locke told the woman in the flashback that her house showed no signs of dry rot. Was that one of the five things? Who knows. All I know is it was a crackling good episode. Shocking revelations, a huge mystery finally solved, and a new one rearing its ugly head, leaving us Lost nerds emotionally spent.

And seeing as how I literally spent about twenty minutes on my hands and knees staring at a freeze frame of this episode on my 51-inch television to try and find a clue, I finally realized that no matter how much I like to make fun of Lost geeks, I am one of them.

Hey it could be worse. I could be a Scientologist.

But before we recap, a brief walk around the internerd.

I would like to give a shout out to Lost commenter USNRNPage for giving us this link that reveals in detail all the whispers that we here whenever the Others make an appearance. Apparently someone who has surround sound not only transcribed the whispers, but listed in what speaker they came from. That is some true geek awesomeness. A warning however, if these whispers are true, they are highly spoiler-filled, so don’t read if you don’t want to know.

Lost: the Musical. A parody from the Jimmy Kimmel show. Unfortunately you need the downright evil RealPlayer to view it.

The spoilerfix.com website is a great place to go if you are the kind of guy who gets the Far Side daily calendar and reads all 365 cartoons on January 1st. If you get some good spoilers from there, a warning. Keep them out of the comments, or I will be forced to make you read my Desperate Housewives recaps, and nobody wants that.

An article on MSNBC about Locke that’s somewhat interesting, including all sorts of speculation about the mystery man.

That's about it. Of course if you hear of anything interesting drop me a line, and I will try and get it in the next recap.

The episode this week starts, as it almost always does, in flashback mode. We see Locke, with more hair, looking at the wedding ring he just bought. Soon he will ask Katey Sagal’s Helen to marry him and then someday they will be Married…. With Children. HAHA! Get it!? Ahem. Locke has it all planned out. A picnic lunch with the ring wrapped in a handkerchief. As Helen goes down to read the obits in the paper over breakfast (something my mother does too for some reason) she sees that Locke’s father, Anthony Cooper, the one who stole his kidney, is dead.

Back in the hatch the show starts off exactly where we left off last week with Henry Gale making an ominous threat about him setting up an ambush for Sayid, Charlie, and Ana Lucia. Jack tells him to draw the map again. Henry immediately starts backing down saying it was just a joke and he’s sorry he said anything. Locke tells Jack not to bother since it’s already too late, they left hours ago. Jack tells Locke to put Gale back in the armory and storms off. Henry, sensing an opportunity to push some buttons, asks Locke, “Why do you let him talk to you like that?” The button-pushing works and Locke grabs him and hurls him into the armory in a fit of rage. Locke has issues with being bossed around.

In the jungle Sayid and Ana Lucia are searching the open field in the pouring rain but haven’t found anything. They hear Charlie yell out. When they find him he is standing over a grave. Then they notice the rain isn’t coming down where they are standing and when they look up they see… a huge hot air balloon with a big smiley face on the top, just like Henry said. Whatever, he’s still a filthy Other.

This proves nothing

On the beach jack is asking around where Ana Lucia is. Hurley says that she left with Sayid yesterday. Libby then asks Jack to look at her hand which she hurt in the surf. When Jack says she needs some Neosporin, she says that the “going rate” is ten loads of laundry and then points to Sawyer who is playing cards on the beach. Sawyer of course is the man that stole the guns and the medicine and is selling them to the highest bidder, all the while being an arrogant prick. Why the other castaways don’t just string him up and force him to give back what he stole is beyond me.

In the hatch Locke is trying to burn off his rage on the bicycle machine, with some music blaring. Before he can move onto the Thighmaster, he hears something. Static noise in the background. When he goes to turn off the music he hears it even more clearly. There is a voice in the static and its coming from the speakers. He tries to fix the speaker and gets huge feedback. A quick cut to Henry Gale in the armory and we can hear a woman’s voice say something but I didn’t make it out. Anyone out there hear what she said?

In the flashback Locke and Helen are at his father’s funeral. They are the only ones there but they do notice a few shifty guys in the distance and a car with tinted windows that drives off. Unless gravediggers these days dress like Italian gangsters, I feel we may see them again. When its time for Locke to speak, he simply looks at the casket and says “I forgive you.”

We then cut right back to the hatch. Henry is asking Locke what all the commotion is about. Locke just yells at him to shut up. The static then clears and we can hear a countdown. “8…7…6…5...” When it reaches 1, giant steel doors descend around the entire living quarters. Before the last one closes Locke quickly grabs a crowbar and races, Indiana Jones style, to ram it under the last remaining door.

On the beach Hurley is paying Poker with Sawyer and Kate for papayas. Jack walks up and tells Hurley to fold. It seems Jack knows quite a bit about Poker and can tell Sawyer has the better hand. Sawyer, feeling his machoness threatened, goads Jack into joining the game, as opposed to going back to the hatch like he planned. Jack of course falls for it and the boys start to play.

In the hatch Locke is trying to use the crowbar to wedge the door open, but it won’t budge. Henry keeps asking what is wrong but Locke says everything’s OK. We then go right to the flashback where we See Locke at his job. This is before he was wheelchair-bound and working at the box factory, so now he is a house inspector. As he is finishing up his latest inspection he notices the car with the tinted windows is sitting across the street. He walks up to it and the window lowers to reveal Locke’s supposedly dead father, only not quite as dead. As they are talking things over in a bar we find out that he faked his death because he cheated 2 guys out of 700 thousand dollars. He needs Locke to go to a safe deposit box and get the money. As a reward he gets to keep 200 grand of it. If he does that he can meet him at a motel. Also, he just got an email from a Nigerian banker who needs a small fee to open an account so he can transfer 8 million dollars in frozen assets. If he does this he gets to keep 15%!! (As an aside check out this website from a guy who scammed a bunch of Nigerian scammers, it’s awesome.)

From here we cut right back to the hatch. Locke explains to Gale what happened. He says that he needs his help in order to get out. Gale says he will help him only on condition that, no matter what, he makes sure the others don’t hurt him. Locke, in a fit of stupidity, agrees. Then Gale says that if he can fit his entire palm over his face it means he has cancer. Locke then raises his hand over his face and…whammo! Gale punches him.

Back on the beach, Jack is cleaning up at poker. This gets Sawyer upset because he likes to think he is the most macho guy on the beach. Sawyer loses his last mangos and when Jack is about to walk away Sawyer then asks him to name his stakes, for one more hand. Jack tells him he wants all the medicine he stole from the armory. It is on, and Sawyer has just been served.

Gale and Locke are trying to get the door open using some metal bars as leverage. Once they force it up a few feet Gale jams the toolbox under it to keep it open. Locke then immediately tries to shimmy under the opening but once he puts his legs under the door the toolbox starts to collapse shoving a metal rod from the bottom of the gate into his leg. Gale quickly grabs the lifting weights and stacks them under the door to ease the pressure but Locke is stuck. Like Winnie the Pooh, only on a deserted island hatch, bald and with rage issues. Gale says they should wait for help to arrive but Locke says they don’t have time to wait. The computer….

Didn't this guy have an arrow through his shoulder like, 2 days ago?

In the flashback Locke is at the bank opening the safe deposit box. It is full of cash just like his father said it was. When he gets home he comes in the door and tells Helen that they are going to go out and celebrate, but it looks like that will have to wait as they have visitors. The oily gangster kind. One of them is even wearing a gold necklace over a black shirt. That’s always bad news. In fact I think one of them was the evil pimp from the Pat Benatar “Love is a battlefield” video.

Heartache to heartache…we stand. No promises, no demands……Love is a battlefield!

"Hey, how ya doin? My name's Vinnie Stereotype. This is my associate, Joey Caricature."

Anyways, they want to know if they’ve seen his dad since he died. Locke says no, but they still suspect him because of the way he was acting at his funeral. Helen then demands that they leave, but before they do they want to see what’s in his bag. He says its just some papers. They want to take a look anyway and when they empty it out it is… just papers and stuff. And a huge vibrating dildo. Awwwkward! After they leave Helen looks at him and asks, “Were you lying to those men John?” Locke makes another big mistake and says no.

On the beach Sawyer is asking Jack where he learned to play poker. Jack says “Phuket,” which is pronounced “Poo-ket” and not the foul pronunciation you think it means you dirty, dirty reader.

In the hatch Gale asks “What does it do?” referring to the computer and the numbers. Locke says they aren’t exactly sure, but they have to enter the numbers every 108 minutes. Gale will have to go through the vent in the pantry to get to the computer room to enter in the numbers in time. When Gale gets up on the shelves in the pantry to grab onto the vent he slips and falls, whether on purpose we aren’t sure. As he hits the ground he is knocked out. Whether he is knocked out for real or faking it we aren’t exactly sure. What we are sure of is once he hits the ground unconscious we here the ticking of the clock. They have less than a minute.

On the beach the great poker standoff continues. We also learn that Sawyer is a veteran of numerous venereal diseases. Oh, good for him. Jack then bluffs Sawyer on the last and final hand and wins back all of the medicine. As he walks off Sawyer asks him why he didn’t ask for the guns as stakes. Jack just responds, in his best Charles Bronson imitation, that when he wants the guns, he’ll get the guns.

Back in the hatch the clock is ticking and Locke is screaming at Gale to wake up. Henry finally comes to and groggily starts back up into the vents again. After he disappears from view the beeping turns into the giant alarm. They have only seconds now. And since this show likes to give you dramatic blue balls, we of course cut right back to the flashback.

Locke is meeting with his father at the motel room with the money. As he is counting the money Cooper asks about the woman at the funeral. Who is she? Her name is Helen and he’s gonna ask her to marry her tonight Locke says. Cooper then sets down his take on the table. 200 grand. “I didn’t do this for them money” Locke says”. Then why did you do it?” asks Cooper. Locke just looks at him. He did it for his daddies love. Awwwwww. Too bad his dads a jagoff who doesn’t give crap about Locke or his love. Oh Locke, you stupid, stupid man.

When Cooper goes to leave the room he is greeted at the door by Helen, and shes pissed. She storms off. Locke tries to explain but she can’t believe that he lied to her. I can’t believe she didn’t trust him and followed him in secret so were all surprised. Helen accuses Locke of wanting his father's love more than hers. As a last ditch effort, Locke gets on his knees and pulls out the ring and asks her to marry her. What a story for the grandkids huh? “Gramma how did grandpa ask you to marry him?” “Well children, he was giving his con artist father 700 grand and I caught him by following him to a seedy motel.” Gets me all choked up just thinking about it. Alas this was not meant to be as Helen just drives off, leaving Locke a crushed man. But a crushed man with 200 grand worth of coke and strippers ahead if him. Time to par-tay.

Back in the hatch things are getting tense. The alarm is getting louder, the lights are flickering. An then we hear it. The ruffling of the numbers resetting into the hieroglyphics, the whirr of the turbines. Did Gale get to it in time? Then the lights go out entirely. And what happens next is one of the coolest moments of the show. Blue emergency lights come on bathing the entire room in a blue luminescence. When Locke looks up at the emergency door that is crushing his leg he sees… a giant map, written in invisible glow in the dark ink. This caused me to have yet another true TVgasm.

Now we only get a brief glimpse of it but I was able to find a giant high resolution screen shot here. Since what it says can be construed as highly spoiler filled, I will white out the text of the next few paragraphs. If you don’t want to know skip ahead, if you do, just highlight below to read.

OK, we're back. Nothing to see here. Move along...

After only a few scant moments to read the map, the lights then come on and the blast doors retract. Locke then crawls into the computer room calling for Henry. He looks up at the timer which reads 107 minutes. Maybe Henry got there after all. He looks over and sees Henry. "You came back," Locke says. "What did you think I was going to do? Leave you here?" Gale answers. Gale helps him to his feet and Locke thanks him for not leaving him there alone. NO! Locke! Don't believe him! He's a filthy Other! I just know it!

Out in the jungle its night time and we see Jack heading back to the hatch. Kate catches up with him and asks Jack if she can join him. She wants to take a shower. Jack lies and says that the plumbing is busted because of a cracked pipe. Kate then smiles and says she’s glad he beat Sawyer. Uh-oh, I sense some more flirting going on. Let’s just hope a black horse doesn’t come out of nowhere. That totally ruins the mood for her.

Well there is no horse but they do see something. Bright flashing in the distance. They go to investigate and they sere that the flashing is on top of a giant pile of Dharma food, attached to a parachute. A food drop. But how? Did the lockdown trigger an automatic food drop? The food drop was meant for them because it ahs the swan hatch symbol on it. Then they hear a noise in the jungle and turn around to see Sayid, Charlie, and Ana Lucia. Jack looks at them and asks, "What did you find?"

In the hatch Gale is tending to Locke’s wounds. Locke asks Gale what he did that ended it. Gale says he just entered in the numbers and pressed the execute button. Then he climbed back into the hatch and the lights went off. Ten seconds later, the doors went up. I don’t buy that story. But we'll save that for another day.

When Gale goes to get him a glass of water, Jack bursts in and tells him to move away from Locke immediately. Gale tries to protest but he is followed by Sayid pointing a gun at him telling him to move away. And when Sayid tells you to do something, you do it. Locke tries to stop them by saying its OK, that he let him out to help, but they aren't letting up.

"Couldn’t you find my balloon?" Gale pleads. "We did find your balloon Henry Gale. Exactly how you described it,” says Sayid. "We also found the grave you described. Your wife’s grave. The grave you said you dug with your own bare hands. It was all there. Your whole story. Your alibi. it was true.' At this point Sayid is up in his face.

“But still I did not believe it to be true. So I dug up that grave. And found that there was not a woman inside but a man. A man named Henry Gale."

Then Sayid holds up the driver’s license of a middle-aged black man named... Henry Gale.

He. is. so. BUSTED.

Posted by EdHIll at 6:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (66)

Welcome to TVgasm's weekly chronicling of the descent of Desperate Housewives into mediocrity. This episode marks a new chapter in the shows steady decline in quality. Gone are the only interesting things about the show, its dark edge and ominous undercurrents are now replaced with out and out buffoonery.

I know I'm kind of harsh on this show. You need to understand however, that it is on against Family Guy and the Soprano's, the two greatest shows on TV. So when I am forced to watch Eva Longoria's bad teeth instead of Tony Soprano, it gets my dander up. And no one is happy when EdHill's dander is up. Still this show did have its high points, not least of which is an episode of borderline child molestation. Wait did I say high points? I mean creepy points. Very, very creepy points.

The show opens with vignettes of Gabrielle's high class shopping tendencies. Shoes from Milan, dresses from 5th avenue. But now there shopping has taken them into a new direction. Now they are in the market for a black market baby. Gabrielle goes to answer the door and what she sees before her is a woman so horrifically and buffoonishly ugly that I almost hurt my eyes they are rolling to the back of my head so fast. The show has now literally become a cartoon. And not the fun kind of cartoon like Sectaurs or Thundercats. The bad kind like Disney's Gummi Bears or Foofur.

The point of this of course is to showcase Gabrielle's shallowness about looks. So during the sales pitch for the baby, Gaby tells Carlos in private that she doesn't want to have their baby because she is so ugly. Carlos at first refuses, but then the writers up the ante by making the cartoonishly ugly woman start to sloppily eat guacamole, licking her lips and having it slobber all over her. This even sends Carlos over the line and instead of beating her to a pulp, which is his natural instinct, they just send her packing.

You gotta be kidding me

At the black market baby adoption agency Gabrielle is upset with their "broker" since every girl he is showing them has been beat with the ugly stick. Before they leave the broker does tell them he has invited one more woman to stop by named Libby. She may not be the best person in the world, but she is at least pretty. This is of course all Gaby needs to hear.

Libby naturally is a stripper. And now that money is tight since she can’t strip she needs to make some easy cash by selling her baby. When Gaby asks her who the father is she says she doesn't even know because a lot of times when guys come into the club she ends up getting a little bit more friendly then she intends to. "Friendly" in stripper parlance meaning unprotected sex with strangers. Whereas with me it means saying hello to a girl in a bar. Tomato-tomahto.

Despite the fact that the woman is a slut and the baby will most likely be born with a particularly virulent strain of gonorrhea, they are still all for it. Libby starts to ask about how much money she will be getting. Her friend did the same thing and got a Harley! Carlos simply says that they will find "some way" to express their gratitude. Libby spots their rich jewelry and simply says "OK". When she asks about their last name Carlos mentions that they are Mexican and proud of it. Except maybe Gaby, who hates dirty Mexican bike cops. This causes Libby to pause since she thought they were Italian. There is no bigger tragedy in this world than a racist stripper. It hurts us all.

The next step is fairly predictable. The lawyer calls and tells them that Libby rejected the Solis because they are Mexican. This gets Gaby's nuts in a twist. How DARE they discriminate against them for their heritage! Criminal history, lack of morals and bad acting yes, but not just because they are Mexican! Gaby then decides to go and confront Libby at the strip club and assure her that they are Mexican yes, but rich Mexicans, which makes it "OK".

At the strip club Libby is mentoring a younger stripper on the fine art of pole dancing. Of course the strippers are portrayed as ditzes, which is even more lazy writing. Some of them are really nice girls. I remember one, Paula, she was a nursing student at UCONN. She had big... dreams. They are people too dammit!

Gaby comes in and daintily puts down a handkerchief on the bar stool before she sits down. Apparently she must have forgotten that she was having sex in the prisons conjugal rooms just a year ago without so much as a peep. God knows what kind of crusted over fun was in that place. But in soap operas, there are short memories.

Libby's defense is she wants to be able to get more money and "middle class" Mexicans aren't as well of as rich whites. Gaby then convinces her by giving her a diamond necklace right of her neck. This is all it takes for Libby and she agrees. As Gaby is walking out she has a revelation and asks Libby if she really cared about them being Mexican. No, she says. She just knew that if she held out she would get more money.

Later we see Libby wiping tables and a man comes up and asks how his "two girls are" while rubbing her belly. So it looks like Libby is running quite the scam. I am starting to think this woman's baby would make a fantastic Solis.

In Susan Land we see her in a wheel chair in her hospital room getting ready to be released. Her crazy wacky spleen has finally been removed. It caused a bit of a stir in the operating room as it slipped out of the surgeon’s hands and caused everyone to trip on it while holding cocoanut cream pies thus starting an inadvertent, yet incredibly madcap, pie fight.

Dr. Ron comes in and confronts Susan on what she said in the operating room when she was going under. She said she loved Mike. Ron wants to know who Mike is. Susan at first denies she even knows a Mike, then Susan says she knew one years ago in college and he buys it. Ron then asks about her "husband". Susan fesses up about her committing insurance fraud. Now that Ron is a part of this criminal conspiracy, he forgives her and gives her a big kiss. She even invites Ron over to dinner to meet Karl himself to make sure. Isn’t it lovely how Susan has now implicated 3 people in her crime? Did I mention she’s supposed to be a children’s author on the show? I'm guessing some of her book titles are See Spot Steal and Cars and Trucks and Things That Commit Fraud. But I shouldn’t be too hard on her. I heard Mercer Meyer did 5-10 for heroin possession.

Later Susan has Gaby and Bree over for some chit chat. They are interrupted by Karl who calls her "Suzy baby" and wheels her into the kitchen for a personal chat. This gets Gaby and Bree talking since they both thought they hated each other, what with the whole Karl leaving her for a young dumb blonde, then moving onto a much, much older dumb blonde that happened to be her neighbor and nemesis. IT seems that Karl is still secretly having feelings for his woefully underweight ex wife, so when she asks him to have dinner with Dr. Ron and her it can only lead to yet another crazy misunderstanding.

At dinner, Karl is sharing crazy stories from her and Susan’s past. Karl goes to clear off the plates and move into the kitchen. He spots Mike coming home across the street in his super rugged pickup truck. Since he still holds feelings for Susan Karl concocts a crazy plan and breaks the pipes under the sink, knowing that mike is a plumber/Marlboro Man. When Ron comes in and sees everything, Karl tells him to go across the street to see Delfino and ask for his help.

When Ron explains the situation to Mike, whose biceps are raging, he says he can call him Mike, and mentions that he and Susan used to date. Unbeknownst to both of them Susan found out what was going on and proceeds to race across the street to stop Ron before he gets there. And since she is in a wheel chair, it leads to yet another forced wacky Susan crazy pratfilled bit with the wheel chair. God those are always priceless aren’t they? She truly is a comic genius that Terri Hatcher. We should name a post office after her or something. I was expecting them to pull one of those “my brakes are out” while she careens down a hill slamming into all sorts of stuff, but alas I was left wanting more.

Gee, I never saw that coming...

Ron gets mad at Susan, yells at her in the street, then Susan falls down, yada yada, crazy mixup, Mike and Ron almost fight. Did I tell you the Sopranos is on at the same time as this nonsense? I would actually watch Tommy Hilfiger’s The Cut over this pabulum.

The next day Mike comes over to apologize to Susan and borrow some cocoa butter for his rock hard abs. Susan tries to explain to mike what happened between her and Ron, but she hesitates because of the whole "I love mike" thing. Then Ron calls and mike leaves. Even more unrequited love. And we see a haunting image of Mike slathering on the cocoa butter over his rippling chest, with a single tear streaming down his cheek.

When we see Lynette she is interviewing a woman for a job at their crappy ad agency. The woman’s name is Veronica, and from the size of her bazoomba's, I’m guessing they have names as well. When she sees Veronica wolfing down donuts Lynette asks her how she keeps he self so thin. It’s the breast feeding Veronica tells her. It’s better than working out. This gives Lynette an idea and when she shows her their day care center its all Veronica needs to jump ship and join the team. Too bad she wasn’t interviewing a few weeks ago when Lynette was forced to eat a pound of raw bacon in front of everyone.

Things don’t go so well alter when Lynette sees Veronica with her child in the day care center. Her kid you see, is 5 years old. And the image of seeing a five year old suck on that big old funbag is disturbing to say the least.

During a meeting for yet another lame advertising campaign, Veronica’s kid comes in saying he’s thirsty. OK, Ick. Gross. She takes him out and unleashes the hosebags for his pleasure. After she leaves the rest of the partners are all up in arms about her disgusting habit. They say someone needs to talk to her about it. They all of course nominate Lynette. Unfortunately things don’t go well because when she tries to say something Veronica wont have it and threaten to sick her lawyers on them if they continue to question her. Then she goes into the other room sticks a banana in her cooter and tells her kid its time for lunch.

The next day Veronicas kid walks into Lynette’s office saying "Where’s my mom? I'm thirsty!" Yeah, that’s still gross. Lynette says her mom is bus right now so hell have to wait. Lynette is also conveniently drinking chocolate milk, so when he asks about it, Lynette comes up with a plan and gives the kid her milk to try and get him off the milk bags. So Lynette just happened to be drinking chocolate milk? A grown woman? I haven’t had chocolate milk since I was 12 but Lynette just happens to be drinking it? I mean I understand that older woman need strong bones and all but this show sets a record for convenient coincidences in order to move the plot forward. So I would officially like to say to Scott Sanford Tobis, the writer of this week’s episode: You suck. A pox upon your house. A pox I say.

When Lynette runs into Veronica later she is crying. It seems that her kid is no longer interesting in suckling on her moonbeams. But veronica is not so much upset about that as she is about the fact that this means she will now get fat. Breast feeding is the new exercise plan. I tried my friends wife’s breast pump fro 4 days now and I honestly think I can start to see a difference. Girls think bleeding nipples are sexy right?

Bree meanwhile is going through the motions of attending her AA meetings, even though she still denies she has a problem. So while we listen to one man talk about his "rock bottom" Bree is busily working on her needlepoint. Kind of like a Lite Brite, only with needles and thread. After wards her AA mentor asks her how long it’s been since her last drink. She says she doesn’t really remember which gets him suspicious. Bree then admits that she isn't really an alcoholic; she’s just doing this for appearances. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt Bree.

The next day Bree brings some sandwiches up to Andrew and his lawyer. After she leaves his lawyer says that the case is not a slam dunk, what with the AA meetings and all. He says that Andrew doesn’t want to see the inside of a courtroom, because appearance means everything there, and Bree is all about presentation.

Later we see Bree and some weird bar/department store thingy, which is news to me. She spots Andrew and his boyfriend shopping there as well. Bree confronts him saying that he is supposed to be grounded. Then she sees that he stole her credit card. She demands that Andrew go home right now. Andrew then brings out his big guns. He says if he doesn’t get to do what he wants, he will tell the judge that Bree molested him when he was a child. After Andrew smugly walks off, Bree then goes back to what she does best. Drinking. This of course leads to quite an embarrassing situation as she wakes up in the middle of the night in a dressing room. I guess the department stores with liquor don’t check their dressing rooms before they close up shop. That’s good to know.

Bree frantically tries tog et herself out but the door is now gated closed. She tries to wedge in-between them but gets stuck. I guess the Susan stuff is now bleeding over into other areas of the show. With no one to turn to Bree then calls her AA sponsor. He gets her out of the jam and in his car she explains what happened with Andrew. She them says No wonder I drink". Admitting you have a problem. The healing can now begin.

When we leave Bree we see her putting all her wine bottles in a box for goodwill. Because if there’s one thing homeless people need more than clothes, its free liquor. Although some of them might find Bree’s choice of Pinot Noir to be a little too fruity for them. Homeless alcoholics usually like the nuttiness and tannins of a nice Merlot.

And finally we come upon the plot that no one cares about. The Applewhites are back after a nice week off. Matthew walks into the living room and asks his mom for 50 bucks. Mrs. Applewhite says yes without thinking. What kind of mother gives her able job available 18 year old son 50 bucks so easily? Oh wait, this is the one who also has the retarded son in shackles in the basement. Never mind.

When Betty asks why he needs the money, he says its so he can get Danielle something nice. Betty then refuses to give him anything. Matthew then starts arguing with her. He has no other money because she won’t let him get a job since he has to take care of Caleb. Matthew says its time for them to get Caleb some professional help. Then they could get their lives back. Notwithstanding the whole dumping of the dead body in the car and being fugitives from justice because of Caleb’s past murder. Other than that, they can totally get their lives back. While they are arguing Caleb walks in on them. Betty just explains to him that its Danielle’s birthday and they were talking about what Matthew was going to get her.

This of course leads to nothing but trouble when later as we see Danielle coming home after a nigh with her friends she sees Caleb has snuck into her room to give her a birthday present. Danielle freaks out and starts yelling at him to leave even calling him a freak. This of course is all reminiscent of the last time this happened to Caleb when he responded by beating the girl to death. Caleb does leave but its ominous foreshadowing of what is to come. So it looks like the storyline that no one cares about will continue.

That about wraps it up for this week. So how is Tony Sporano? Is he awake yet?

Posted by EdHIll at 4:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (18)

Recently, the Associated Press did a feature interview on Josh Shwartz. I am not sure what warranted a feature interview for a show that has been dipping in the ratings since it was created, but I guess whenever you can beat out the WB and UPN for a solid fourth place in your time slot, all of the buzz is worth it. The article is written by AP scribe Sandy Cohen, which must have had Josh either giggling or feeling pissed off that Julie Cooper wasn't available. Sometimes it is hard to read through the puff pieces dramatic prose of the AP, so we here at TVgasm thought it would be a good idea to translate.

LOS ANGELES -- Things are about to get explosive in "The O.C.," says show creator Josh Schwartz. And it's only fair, considering the effect the popular teen drama has had on the writer's career.

Somebody at Fox wanted me to do them a favor and pimp The OC, which I don't watch and couldn't care about. I am doing this only so I am in the loop next time they stage some photographs of Ryan Seacrest hitting on women

Schwartz was only 26 -- a recent graduate from the University of Southern California[ed note recent graduate? Was he on the eight year plan?] -- when "The O.C." premiered on Fox in 2003. The show was an instant must-see, spawning imitators and making stars out of actors Mischa Barton, Rachel Bilson, Benjamin McKenzie and Adam Brody.

The show premiered during the summer and people really liked it. A few months later, this little show called Laguna Beach appeared on MTV with modest ratings.

Schwartz himself is now a bona fide Hollywood hit, hobnobbing with heavyweights such as George Lucas, who guest-starred on an "O.C." episode last year.

Until the actors of the show find better gigs, they will pretend to like Josh and invite him to their birthday parties

Schwartz's folks have weekly viewing parties in their Providence, R.I. home. His dad, Steve, calls him during commercials with his running critique.

The neighbors down to street invite friends over to laugh at the show that dumb Schwartz kid is working on. His father stands in the bushes outside and relays to his son what people think of the show

"He's very honest," Schwartz said.

I didn't know my dad could say "That sucks" so many times in one hour

With his chocolate Lab, Maya, competing for his attention, Schwartz, 29, talked with The Associated Press about the season finale of "The O.C." and what's next for his characters and his career.

Dogs are a man's best friend when your show isn't funny anymore.

AP: What's hot in "The O.C." right now?

I don't watch your show, but let's pretend I care what happens.

Schwartz: We're in the home stretch, like the last 10 episodes of the season when the show always kicks it up a notch. I think it's going to resemble those first six episodes of the (first) summer. It's got that kind of vibe to it, kinda crazy, anything goes. We have a lot of returning faces. The kids are getting into colleges, the Cohen family life is about to explode, it's going to be pretty cool. It's all going to get very emotional, very explosive and really fun.

This is about the time when Fox decides what is going to be picked up for the fall, so we look at the first 2/3 of the season and try to make sense of it all by the season finale. Am I being vague because I don't want to give out spoilers or because I don't have anything to say? YOU DECIDE.

AP: You started a genre, and a frenzy, with "The O.C." What is it about the show that really captures the young audience?

You've been called a low-rent 90210, how do you respond.

Schwartz: It's a certain alchemy of great cast and a really fun world. I think the show has a really fun kind of tone. We try to tell emotional stories but we don't ever try to take ourselves too seriously. Hopefully some really good music. Hopefully an entertaining package and people want to watch.

God, I really hope people start watching again. I also hope we don't get cancelled.

AP: Does the show resemble your life?

Schwartz: Not at all. I grew up in Providence, R.I. My family life probably resembled the season one Cohens, before it got dark in the Cohen house. When I grew up, it was a much sunnier home. It's sort of a little bit based on my experiences at USC, as kind of a neurotic Jewish kid from the East Coast who arrives in the land of water-polo players and their girlfriends. I guess that was the original impetus behind the show, and it's sort of evolved from there.

Luckily my life is full of hilarious moments when people made fun of me, that makes the show authentic

AP: What do you think of the imitators of "The O.C.?"

Schwartz: Who would those be, "Laguna Beach?" Now there's this desperate housewives of Orange County show on Bravo. It's crazy. It's weird. And then "Laguna Beach" became a big deal in its own right. The tent's big enough for everybody to come hang out, I guess. The show is certainly influenced by a lot of different things and borne out of that, so it's cool if we can do the same things for other shows.

Thanks for calling them imitators, because I would have left if you mentioned that more people care about Laguna Beach and that whore Kristen Cavalleri than the OC and Mischa Barton. You also made it easy for me to pretend that Housewives of Orange County is imitating The OC when we all know it's imitating Desperate Housewives and Laguna Beach. I don't want to make fun of anybody, because I may be looking for a job soon.

AP: You were surprised by it?

Schwartz: Totally. I continue to be surprised. We didn't think we were going to last past the first six episodes of August (2003). So everything that's come after has been kind of amazing.

Since the show got picked up, I have no clue what I'm doing. I'm still amazed that they bring us back even though the only thing we do is have Ryan and Marissa break up and get back together four times a year.

AP: Do you have plans in the works for other shows? Where do you see things going next?

Schwartz: Every time I've tried to go off and think about or start writing another pilot, I end up finding myself drawn back to "The O.C." It's too much fun to work on, too much work to try to do both.

You are assuming that I have any ideas. People already accused me of stealing this one

AP: Let's talk about your next project, "Looking for Alaska."

Schwartz: "Looking for Alaska" is a book that I'm adapting for Paramount to direct. It's set at a Southern boarding school and it's about that girl in high school that's sort of unknowable, unattainable, an ultimately tragic girl and all the guys in school are in love with her. It's told through the point of view of this one kind of socially awkward kid who's arrived at the school and, in falling in love with her, he has to grow up and come of age. It's kind of like your classic coming-of-age story, first love, first loss. ... It's been fun to work on that and work on something different and work on a movie.

I wanted to call it "The Virgin Suicides With Seth Cohen", but Sophia Coppola gave me a noogie and I had to come up with something else.

AP: What is your attraction to this age group of characters?

Schwartz: I guess there's a part of me that will always feel like a teenager, that sort of still feels like a teenager. It's such a rich time in your life. Everything is really new, you're experiencing things and everything feels like life-and-death and really huge and momentous and epic. And as you get older, you start to roll with it a little bit more and you start to become a little more cynical, a little less open to the world I guess.

Are you kidding me? Teenage girls love to hear that I know Ben McKenzie. And they put out. Someday, I'll even hire a teenager to play one of the teenaged roles on the show.

AP: What kind of impact has "The O.C." had on your career and your life?

Schwartz: It's been just the most remarkable roller coaster ride in the last couple of years and it was totally unexpected and really thrilling. I had no idea what I was doing when I started and now I feel like I've learned to become a professional. In your mid to late-20s, it's kind of a crazy time in your life anyway, you're just kind of figuring yourself out and coming to terms with growing up and all that, and to have that simultaneous with something like this happening was doubly overwhelming.

Well, first of all, I don't have to work at 20/20 video anymore.

We had George Lucas on the show. I've gotten to meet Steven Spielberg at some function and his kids watch "The O.C." Just being able to have all these bands that I love on the show, all this music, so it's been really crazy. And it's really fun. It's been fun to be able to share this with my family. My parents have "O.C." viewing parties every Thursday night with all their friends. I got my sister an internship on the show.

I can finally get backstage passes by telling all of these bands I'll give them free promotion. Since I created the show, people will give my friends free jobs, even if they aren't qualified.

AP: What's the best part?

Schwartz: Getting to come to work every day. I mean, getting to wake up in the morning and be like, OK, this is what I always wanted to do and I get to do it.

Sometimes, when Rachel Bilson leans over, I can look down her shirt.

AP: Will we be following "The O.C." characters into college and beyond?

Schwartz: I think we've got at least one more good year in us, so we're going to do some pretty radical stuff at the end of this year. The season finale is going to be the craziest thing we've ever done and it will launch the show in a whole new direction next year. So I'm excited about next season. And then beyond, I don't know. We'll see.

Fox will pick us up for a fourth year because, well, it's fox. After that, I'll say that we should end the show. By that time, it will be in syndication and I will earn enough money off residuals that I will never have to bother the world with more projects that are thinly veiled biopics on my sad, sad life.

Posted by at 4:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Hello FRIENDS.

TVgasm's shameless attempt to lure you into loving us continues with our most recent giveaway for Scene It? Friends Edition. Let your friends test your knowledge of FRIENDS against your friends' knowledge of FRIENDS with a friendly game of Scene It? FRIENDS Edition.

Let's face it -- Friends hasn't been on TV in 30 minutes, and its not going to come on for another 30 minutes. I'm getting nostalgic, and I can't wait that long for more of Ross and Rachel! If only there were a way to have a random potpourri of Friends clips on my screen whenever I wanted it! Thank god Scene It? Friends Edition was invented. And thank TVgasm for bringing it to 5 lucky readers for free!

In order to enter, all you need to do is send an email to madeyoulaugh@tvgasm.com with the most obscure FRIENDS trivia question and correct answer. The four people who submit the best questions will receive the Scene It? FRIENDS Edition DVD board game.

The 5th prize will go to whomever can correctly answer all four questions, which will be posted on a future date. (in the event of a tie, the winner will be decided by degree of brown-nosery in their email).

It's our way of saying "Thank you" and "Please love me."

Speaking of friends, its never too late to become one of TVgasm's Myspace or Friendster friends.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 3:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

For the past three months, loyal fans of all things silly and ridiculous have faithfully watched The Gauntlet 2 unfold on MTV. Week in and week out, we watched these people get drunk, yell at each other, run around a golf course, and then yell at each other again, all leading up to the Rookies' not-so-triumphant win in the finale. You'd think we'd be ready to move on from this season, what with the idiocy flowing like molten lava from Mt. Pinatubo, but despite how many times we roll our eyes and look down our nose at these people, the simple truth remains that we are completely transfixed. Luckily, MTV provided us with a nifty little reunion show, and while there wasn't the same adrenaline rush as when Austin's cast completely bashed Danny on their reunion, I was still happily contended with all the bickering and yelling that did go on. And if we learned nothing else, it's that the editing does lie: Kina really is an idiot. An idiot in blue eye shadow.

Our host for this grand event was none other than Susie, MTV ingenue extraordinaire. She kicked off the special by praising Derrick and saying that her heart went out to him. In true moronic form, he patted his heart and gestured back to her as if to say "Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. That really means so much to me." Okay, let's not be ridiculous here. She was just offering up some basic pleasantries. Leave it to Derrick to treat her comments like they were spoken from the Prime Minister of Ghana.

Anyway, Susie then asked him what it was like to come so close and lose at the last Gauntlet. "It sucks. I really did fight hard and--" he started before Susie cut him off and said, "Yeah, absolutely. Do you think..." Way to let him get three words out, SUSIE. But then again, I shouldn't be so hard. After all, Susie did receive most of her journalistic training from the exclusive interviews she landed with her My Little Pony set.

Susie then asked how the hell the Vets lost the eating contest. Derrick said it was because of Ibis (no surprise there), and Mark -- who looked extra dumb in his overly trendy outfit -- said that the night before, he and David had some sort of debilitating stomach flu. Of course, this begs the question, "Why the hell did you do the eating contest??" But sometimes asking for logic from the Bunim/Murray stars is like squeezing water from a stone. And yes, I can totally imagine Derrick trying to squeeze water from a stone.

Another fun little fact from the eating contest was that Julie -- the girl who spearheaded the whole thing -- couldn't keep her food down. But since one spot of vomit would result in disqualification, Timmy actually had to eat the food out of Julie's mouth. It doesn't get much more foul than that. Timmy then joked that he thinks that he might now officially be Mormon. Does being a Mormon include overly rehearsed jokes? Just wondering.

As for voting strategies, Beth said "It was a complete and total popularity contest!" Well, don't act surprised, Beth. You know as well as everyone else that The Challenge always reverts everyone to their 7th grade selves. Or as Veronica and Tina call it, "their normal selves."

Cara, meanwhile, disputed that the Rookies based Gauntlet decisions strictly on performance. She claimed that she was a much better performer than someone like Ibis, but Alton -- who was unnecessarily wearing sunglasses indoors -- rebutted that the whole alliance scandal made her a threat to the team. "Alliance schmalliance," Cara said, noting that all of Kina's friends from her season were with her in the end. Ooops! Kind of forgot about that one, Kina!

Speaking of Kina, this idiot bitch had summoned her inner Jersey Girl to the nth degree. Not only had she shellacked her face with trashy blue eye shadow, but she had seemingly just spent the past four days holed up in the Real World's Mystic Tanning salon. Seriously, she was tanner now in the middle of winter (when this was shot) than when she was galavanting around for three weeks in the Caribbean sun.

Also looking somewhat ridiculous was Brad, who with his cocked trucker hat, stubbly facial hair, chains, and wife beater, was trying to look tough and gangsta, but instead looked more like AJ McLean from the Backstreet Boys' heyday. Also, I couldn't be sure, but his teeth looked awfully shiny. I'm not gonna say that he went all Danny on us and fitted himself with some new "veneeyahs," but I'm not ruling it out either.

Anyway, the spotlight soon shone on Beth who refused to admit that she liked being the villain. In one of Derrick's very, very rare moments of brilliance, he confronted the biatch and said that whenever she stirred up shit, she always had one eye on the camera -- kind of like when she told Robin that Mark and Jodi had had sex. We then saw that clip, and believe it or not, Derrick was actually right. Who'd have thunk it?

Susie then pressed Mark Long about all his love triangle issues, and he defended himself by saying, "To be honest, I love everyone. Susie, if I spent the day with you, I'd love you too." But if she touched his faux hawk, she'd be dead faster than you can say "V.O. 5."

We then returned to Kina who explained why she was all stressed out all the time. You see, towards the end, she just wanted to be "done with the captain, done with the Gauntlet. I just wanted to be able to breathe and relax." And soak in a vat of bronzer for three weeks.

Later, it was time to talk with Cara, and "blonde" Susie (a.k.a. not the one asking all the dumb questions) said "Drama follows Cara." This caused Kina to speak up and smirk, "I think that Cara creates lots of drama, and I think that's why drama follows Cara." No shit, Sherlock. That's the whole point of saying "Drama follows Cara." Good ol' Kina. She never saw an idiom she couldn't naively articulate. I can just imagine Cara saying "She was like a bull in a China shop," and Kina responding, "No! She was CLUMSY!" Actually, chances are that Kina would just yell, "What bull? What China shop? You're making things up! You're a liar! You make me SICK!!"

Cara: "But it's just an expression--"

Kina: "Say what you want to say to make yourself feel better, but I know the truth! PERIOD!" And with that, Kina would go storming off with Ibis in tow.

Anyway, speaking of Cara, we then dove right into the biggest controversy of the season: the nefarious alliance, or as Susie called it, "The Brad-muda Triangle!" Turns out that the whole thing was just some idle talk over drinks. Really? Who would have thought a dumb drama-queen like Kina would turn something small and harmless into an all-consuming fiasco? Nevertheless, despite this all being a giant brouhaha over nothing at all, the intellectually-challenged Rookie captain still got all fired up about it, telling Cara, "the second that that information came about, it just put you guys in the most horrible looking position of all time." Yes, that's the point. Horrible looking. And if you were half the captain you said you were, KINA, you would have taken the time to figure out if this alliance was horrible looking or truly horrible.

Cara then tried to explain herself more, and in typical fashion, Kina blatantly interrupted her. Luckily, Cara's never one to shy away from a passive aggressive put-down, and so she said, "I'm not finished. I'm not finished. God, you really, like, love to [shaking her hands, flaring her eyes]... it's crazy." Normally, I'd make fun of someone for being so obnoxiously PA, but I was thrilled, knowing that it probably made Kina's heart beat furiously under those thick layers of tanning chemicals.

Nevertheless, Cara said that if she were seriously considering the alliance, "I probably wouldn't have given it away because I had crazy feelings for him [Brad], you know?" And with that, Cara paused and looked at the audience as if to say "Ooops! Did I just 'unintentionally' slip that out? Tee-hee! I'm wonderful." Sadly for her, no one even cared about her feelings for Brad, and we moved on without more than a nanosecond of thought on the whole situation.

Soon, everyone began gabbing about alliances until Mark finally declared that "alliance" was too strong a word. It's more like "Who do you like? Who do you have that has your back, and that's as simple as that." So basically... it's a popularity contest. Just like Beth said.

Speaking of Beth, Susie then returned her dopey wrath on the hated cast mate and asked why the hell she quit. "In my opinion, because of the way my team was playing, I thought they were lame. They did not deserve to win, and if they wanted to be stuck with somebody like Aneesa who has asthma and can't run and has basically done not one thing for the team, then they deserve to be stuck with her at the end." That was basically her longwinded way of saying, "I didn't want to get pinned under Aneesa's massive heft in the Beach Brawl."

The woe-is-Beth tales continued when she then said the reason why she didn't even try that one rope challenge with Timmy was because she knew she was going into the Gauntlet anyway; so why risk hurting herself? Never mind that the only risk to herself was falling into the ocean and perhaps banging a fingernail on an errant seashell. You gotta love Beth. Sometimes I can't tell if she's wonderfully deluded or amazingly cunning.

We then went from one quitter to another: Mark Long. Yes, in a dramatic revelation that surely rocked the world of his faux-hawk, Mark Long announced that he was quitting The Real World/Road Rules Challenge for good. Wow. Too bad he's about five years too late. Anyway, to commemorate this auspicious moment in the MTV history, Mark handed off his revered bandana to Derrick, a token from one generation to another. Everyone then clapped -- as if this actually meant anything -- and the two guys hugged. I really liked the assumption that anyone at home cared about this. Every other former cast member has just sort of quietly disappeared and moved on with their lives. But Mark has a whole stupid bandana ceremony as if we were bidding adieu to Nelson Mandela.

Suddenly, a booming, hazy voice filled the studio. It didn't take much to realize who it was (TJ), but that didn't stop Kina from yelling "TJ?!?!?!" as if Conrad Birdie were about to waltz in.

Sure enough, TJ did come ambling in with a shy, goofy grin on his face. This then led to some unaired footage of him fighting with Syrus. Basically, during the Gauntlet, TJ yelled, "Quit yelling at me, mother f*cker!" The two then got in each other's faces for a few seconds until grandpa Timmy rushed in and broke it up, reminding the two that this was just a stupid game and that TJ should act professional. Timmy then put on a stupid wig and bikini shirt, cupped his hand under his armpit, and made loud farting noises. Okay, maybe that last thing didn't happen, but I wouldn't be surprised if it did in the future.

We then saw more secret footage, which pretty much involved Aneesa and Derrick getting it on (ew) and Jamie and Cara possibly hooking up. Plus, there were rumors that Aneesa got her nasty-ass groove on with Alton too, but He-Man played it off in his typical way, saying, "It wasn't a hookup. It was more like a random... uh..." And with that, he trailed off, successfully having dodged the bullet. Thanks for pressing him for an answer, Susie.

As for Aneesa's other rumored conquest, Derrick denied having done anything with her. Beth echoed that, saying, "She was sleeping in Derrick's bed." To that, Derrick let out a random, mocking, "YEAH!" as if Beth had just assaulted his character.

"What?" she asked. And with that incisive question, Derrick realized he had nothing to say and shut up. Foiled again!

Susie then pressed Blonde Susie about the whole Jamie/Cara thing, and the perky Rookie laughed and said she was only talking about what she had heard. Cara then added, "It was a threesome!" I didn't know if Cara was clarifying the record or merely telling us what other rumors Susie had been spreading, but suddenly, Kina crashed this lighthearted party by hopping on her soap box and seething, "I mean, if you're going to talk a lot of shit about people, if you're going to make up lies, the best thing you can do is own up to your bullshit. And y'all are not... owning up to your stuff. Because I just, I truly cannot deal with sitting here, listening to you lie. It makes me sick. And that's all I'm going to say."

What the hell was she talking about? Everyone was just laughing and having fun and talking about silly rumors, and Kina acts as if they were on the verge of another Gauntlet vote. There have been very few sanctimonious bitches on The Real World/Road Rules Challenge that have been as annoying and stupid as Kina. God, I hate her... and God, I hope she's on the next cast.

Another rumor we learned about was that Montana and Jamie were purportedly getting it on. Beth verified this, causing Derrick to shout -- I mean, shout -- "JAMIE WAS NOT HOOKING UP WIHT MONTANA!!!" What the hell was his problem? Chill, dude.

Well, poor Derrick suddenly realized he was out of the loop as pretty much everyone nodded and did the "Uh, yeah. They were hooking up." It was so wonderfully awkward and embarrassing for Derrick. If only he had a giant, periwinkle, knit cap to hide under.

The show came to a close on a light note as Brad made fun of the Austin reunion and accused Timmy of acting like Ben Affleck. Ah yes. The good times. Maybe if we're lucky, the next time we have one of these Challenge reunions, Danny will actually be there to reenact his buffoonery in person. Until then, we'll just have memories of another silly excursion to the tropics.

What did you think about the reunion? Am I being unnecessarily harsh on Kina? Or is she really that big of an idiot?

Posted by at 3:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (44)

Last week on America's Next Top Model, Jade put the rest of the competition on notice that she was there to compete and there to win. We may have thought that she was just another mannish-looking, over-the-hill diva with no chance to win, but she showed us that she is a mannish-looking, over-the-hill diva that won't let such things as giant hissing cockroaches or Betty White's hairdresser get in her way to that sixth or seventh place finish and a future invite to The Surreal Life. For those of us who still believe that Jade was overrated(we know she is a huge bitch), we had a visit from none other than Janice Dickinson to spice things up. And if that doesn't get your blood flowing, there were some male models on set that really "heightened" the "tensions" in the room.

I don't know what it is about this group of girls, but it seems like none of them really like each other. Although I wouldn't expect anybody to start giving up organs at this point in the game, I Would have thought that we would at least have one solid friendship. Wasn't Kim on her third best friend in the house by this time last year? Where is our Pink Positive? I'm not expecting the girls to get along all of the time, but if they were friends we might be able to look forward to more moments in the hot tub.

Kari is gone, and I think it was the right choice, so now it was up to Gina to see if she could raiser her performance level. She admitted that she was very shocked that Tyra flipped her picture, but she didn't really act like it was a second chance to show the judges what she could do. Instead, she continued to obsess about Jade, and admitted that Jade was really getting to her.

But enough about the past, let's talk about the present. The first Tyra Mail asked the girls' about their "favorite position". Now, that is kind of a loaded question because a lot of the times it depends on the partner. Sometimes you may move in one position, but your partner isn't ready. What feels good to you may not work for them at all, and even though you try your best, sometimes you just don't understand the angles. If nothing happens, one of you may be forced to pull out, and if you're a model, that means neither you OR the photographer will get paid. What? Did you think I was talking about something else?

I thought that we would get some nice double entendre action with such an obviously easy phrase, but instead we got something better! Janice Dickinson! I love when Janice is on the show, because she does bring a lot of personality. Although she is generally hard on the models, she really does want to make them better. Then again, you can look at the other side of the equation, which is that she is a truly hideous old hag, and just because she coined the term super model and was the muse of various designers back in the 1970s doesn't mean I should be forced to see her whenever somebody needs a quote about modeling. One of the commenters in sg-dub's Surreal Life recaps called Janice America's Next Top Cryptkeeper, and I would have to agree.

The girls arrived to a theater, where they saw a bunch of art students painting a model. The model was hidden from view and Danielle even thought it might have been a man, but it was indeed Janice. Janice brought with her a special surprise, the fierce and fabulous Lisa D'Amato from Cycle 5. Janice said that the girls were going to learn the differences between commercial poses and editorial poses, and since Lisa was so good at working with the camera and knowing her angles, they had her demonstrate a little bit with Janice.

I think it's time for another face lift

If there is one person that may command as much attention as Tyra, it is Janice. The girls listened to her talk about the needs of commercial modeling (high energy, capturing a motion) and editorial modeling (diva looks, capturing a feeling), and since a lot of the girls were awkward in front of the camera, I was hoping that they were all listening and taking notes. A bunch of them actually had some good questions, like Furonda who wondered how long you should hold your position, and Brooke, who wanted to know more information about finding the light, working the angles, and anything that will help her hide that huge chin of hers.

Another thing I like about Janice is that she is always trying to get the girls to show a little bit of personality. And if there is anybody who knows the importance of personality, it is Janice, who has nothing appealing left to offer except some personality. Janice immediately picked out Gina as somebody who could use an attitude adjustment and tried to get her to try laughing for n particular reason. Gina was so scared, and then Janice made her jump up on down on one leg while laughing. Although it may seem like Janice did that to humiliate Gina, that wasn't the case. The lesson, as Janice said, was to get her to be comfortable and laugh at herself. While the exercise was to get Gina to stop thinking so much, it actually had the opposite effect and she only became more self-conscious.

After a day with Janice, there is nothing better than an evening with Korean BBQ. The girls went to Chosun Galbee, which is on Olympic Boulevard. I know some people are bothered when I talk about restaurants that I see on the show, but I had to mention this place because B-Side and I went there for a friend's 27th birthday party last year and we actually sat at the same table. If you like Korean BBQ, it's actually a really great place.

Now unlike some stereotypes about Koreans, they don't serve dog at Chosun, or most of the places in Koreatown (at least I hope that's the case). instead, the girls got to eat with the big dog herself, Janice Dickinson. There is always one girl who thinks that they are so crazy and so "real" and so much fin that Janice would absolutely love them. Last year it was Lisa, this year it is Jade. I don't know if Janice and Jade are "on the same level" as Jade contends, because Janice was already a model for half her life by the time she was Jade's age, but I do know that Janice was not through with Gina.

Janice asked if there was anything that was going on in the house, or if there was anybody bothering Gina, Janice would kick their ass. Gina didn't want to say anything, but when Janice pressed, Gina mentioned that Jade was a problem. Jade had this look on her face like she thought that she and Gina were friends, and looked like she was going to get defensive in preparation for Janice giving her a lecture. Instead, it was Gina who got the lecture. Another one of Janice's big things is the "sisterhood" of modeling, and one of the cardinal sins is talking about other girls to the press. I do see Janice's point, but I think that in her position, she is not seen as an outside, but another one of the sisterhood. She asked Gina what was wrong, sister-to-sister, and Gina answered. If this were a press conference, or in front of the judges, that is one thing, and I guess you can say that Gina should only voice her concerns in private, but for Janice to say "You're dead in my book" to Gina was a little harsh.

Are you finished with that bulgolgi?

As you may have guessed, Gina was bawling after what Janice said to her. All of the girls know that Jade picks on Gina because she sees Gina as weak, but they are going to let Gina fight this thing on her own. Nnenna does give her some words of encouragement, saying that she has nothing to fear from Jade. "What are you scared of? Is she going to spank you?" Gina decides to take a shower (Danielle doesn't offer to watch her), and when she comes back, Jade is on her bed. Jade decided that they are going to have it out about dinner because she was upset about how Gina came at her.

I know that Jade might have been upset about Gina calling her out at dinner, but if she thought that there was anything she could say to Gina that would mean more than what Janice had to say, I don't know what was going on. I had a problem last year with the way that Lisa would pick on Coryn about being too muscular, but I honestly don't think that Lisa was consciously trying to hurt Coryn. As for Jade, she is clearing trying to tear down Gina. She tried to sit there and say that she was only there trying to make peace with Gina, which is a complete joke. She sat on Gina's bed to start a confrontation, not to make peace. Jade got her confrontation, but probably not the way she wanted it. Gina actually stood up for herself, and although it wasn't the crazy out of control thing the previews from last week wanted us to believe, it was nice to see her stick up for herself.

For the first challenge, the girls were asked if they were ready for a change of scenery. Once again, they initially thought that they would be moving out of the model house to a new location, but they soon realized they were wrong. The next morning, after they worked in a not-so-subtle montage of the girls and the various choices of Special K flavorings they got to choose from in the morning, they headed off to Hollywood where they met Lawrence Zarian. I am not sure if Ben Stiller had Zarian in mind when he created Zoolander, but the more I looked at him, the more I was waiting for him to shout "Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?"

I bet he has a really tiny cell phone too

Lawrence explained that the girls were going to show off their commercial acting prowess by doing a photo shoot for sears. There were four small setups that represented each of the four seasons, and just in case you live in a place where you can't really tell that the seasons change (or are a male model), Lawrence reminded us that the seasons were spring, summer, fall, and winter. The girls each had their own rack of clothing, and they would be responsible for getting into their own wardrobe as well as doing their own makeup.

One of the qualities about a commercial actress is being able to be your own art director, so to speak. Get in there, do the poses, and then get out. Time is money, so the less time it takes to get a good shot means more money for everybody. The girls got into their clothes, and although it was funny watching them do the ridiculous poses and the exaggerated smiles, this was only an average challenge. Nnenna won, and for her victory, she won all of the Sears clothing the girls had worn that day. Now, besides the obvious hygiene concerns with the clothes (who wants to catch bitchonosis from Jade or dipshitheria from Gina), giving a rack of Sears clothing to a Top Model is like giving Randy and Paula's DVD to an American Idol.

Nnenna was excited enough, and when she got back home, she was on the phone with her boyfriend. Although the girl is gorgeous, I can't say the same thing about her boyfriend. He looks sort of like a low rent Kevin Federline who showers only half the time, but you don't know what these two have been through, so I am not going to say she should dump him. Then again, I may not have to. As you can expect from somebody who is dates way above their beauty scale, Nnenna's man, John, is a little cling and easy to become jealous. If I were him, I would simply be happy that I was along for the ride, but he starts making demands from Nnenna because he misses her. I know it is tough to go from Nnenna to, well, anything else, but she is the one who is away from all of her friends and family and has all of the pressure on her. John is asking her about what her intentions are and she says that any deep conversations can wait until she gets home, and then hangs up on him.

The next day, everybody made their way to CBS Television City to talk with Tyra in the dressing room of her talk show. She said that there was more to life than just being a model, and that these girls will have to have goals beyond modeling if they are going to make it in the world after their careers are over. Let's be honest, for most of them, they will need a to think about another career because there won't be any modeling career. Danielle said she wanted to be a singer, Furonda - human rights attorney, Leslie - criminal justice investigator, Mollie Sue - makeup artist, Gina - fashion designer, Joanie - homemaker (mother), Jade - kindergarten teacher, Sarah - prosecutor, Nnenna - research chemist, and Brooke - nurse.

None of those careers seemed like much of a surprise, except perhaps for Jade. Danielle said she would home school her kids if she ever found out Jade was her teacher. You could see everybody else doing what they said they wanted to, and when the girls arrived at their next shoot, they learned that their next pictures were going to be as the career women that they dreamed they could be. Having already done the commercial shoot, this one was going to be an editorial, and to make things interesting, all of the photos would be taken with some male models. I would talk about them in depth, but since none of them are as good as our Nigel, why bother?

Maybe since the girls already had dreams about these careers, it was easier for them to feel natural in these photographs. The problem with so many of the other pictures is that the girls feel so out of their element, but the girls really had a chance to rock out with their characters this time. The only person who had real trouble was Gina, who had absolutely no focus, and seemed to forget that she was only pretending to be a fashion designer. I guess if I were her, I may have been distracted by the male model and would have wanted to measure him up, so to speak, and forget about my picture, but most of the other girls didn't have problems with their models. Brook also had some trouble. It was hard enough for her to say nurse anesthetist, and she also seemed to forget she was selling herself and not the model.

Overall, the girls were very excited to have the guys with them. They had spent so much time being the eye candy, it was nice to have some eye candy of their own. During Jade's shoot, it seemed like Jay was having more fun than she was though. He told the male model to "bend over and let her smack your bum", and then admitted that maybe it was just his fantasy. Hmm, I wonder if Jay was spanking the dude, or getting spanked by Furonda in his fantasy. Actually, I don't want to know if jay is a pitching or catching, so I'll stop talking about it.

The hottest pair, however, was Nnenna and the black male model, Vaughn. Earlier, while the girls were asking for advice on how to be edgy, Vaughn told the girls that "whatever you need, I'll give it to you". And if you don't need it, it's probably coming anyway! Last year, Lisa was so excited to work with males she pissed in a diaper, but this year was a different type of excitement. In Cycle Four there was a shoot with male models where Keenya didn't like Bertini getting close, but there was something different between Nnenna and Vaughn. I do think Nnenna was trying to be a professional, but Vaughn was kissing on her neck, and in the final shot, their lips met and they kissed. Oops!

I feel a little bump coming through, on you

So much for that boyfriend back home! Although if Kim's girlfriend could forgive her, John should have it in him to forgive Nnenna. Besides, it was not like Nnenna was sporting wood on the set. That's right, Vaughn popped a chubby, a stubby, a stiffy, a J-Unit when he is thinking about Tyra, you know a BONER. Yeah, I love that word. Vaughn had to run off set, but not before other girls noticed that he had pitched a tent.

Antics aside, there were a lot of great pictures this week, here are my favorites:

Nnenna didn't make a big deal about what happened on the set, perhaps because she is so good-looking, she is used to guys sporting random boners when she walks by. Still, the other girls made a big deal of it, so she called John. She barely got a few minutes to explain about what happened when he hung up on her. Good job John! That will show her! What will Nnenna do without her clingy, unattractive, pube-stubbled boyfriend? She'll probably have to go out and have sex with male models to get over the pain. Take THAT bitch!

When it came time for panel, the girls were told to give three commercial poses with the clothes that they were wearing, and then three edgy, editorial poses with a fireman's uniform. To be honest, we didn't see anything that we didn't expect. Sarah did the best with her commercial pose. Although the judges made fun of her for actually laughing out loud when you only need to pretend to laugh out loud, Tyra said the photographer would have had the best shots. Mollie Sue and Danielle were praised for how well they did with the editorial. By this time, Gina was so frustrated that it looked to me like she was throwing her poses out so she could look bad and get eliminated.

Like I said, there were a lot of good pictures. The judges were really impressed with Furonda, and although I don't think she was the best, she certainly has been doing better than I expected. When somebody mentioned her head is shaped odd, Furonda said her whole family calls her light bulb head, and probably ET as well. Leslie has been taking great pictures, and I did love her picture (if she's an investigator, she can lock me up any time), but they still thought that she needed to finish her poses stronger. Danielle bounced back from her injury to have another great shoot. She might have to work on walking the runway, but the camera loves her. Miss J talked about how intense her look is, and I find it amazing how she is always able to turn that switch and get into character. Jade also had a good performance. Nigel said the problem with her look is that she looks like a model that is going to a club and not one that is being discovered, which is a great description of what is wrong with Jade. Still, the judges liked the way she had a strong look, but didn't come across as too "hard". Maybe she would've looked hard if she had been taking her picture with Nnenna...

To tell you the truth, the judges didn't really have too many bad things to say about these pictures. They liked the way that Mollie Sue brought a modern look, although Tyra wanted to her to push herself. Although Joanie's messed up tooth is starting to bug me, the judges were right when praising the quality of her facial expressions in this photo shoot. Sarah had a great shot, but they warned her that some of her early shots looked a little too much like porn. As for Nnenna, they loved the shot, and Lawrence Zarian, the guest judge, said that Nnenna said that she has a strong personality, but she is so quiet about it that it takes a while to show. After today's shoot, nobody could say she didn't bring energy to the set.

That left the bottom two as Brooke vs. Gina. I would try and make this suspenseful, but I think we could see through the whole show that Gina wasn't in it. Perhaps she let Jade get to her, but it did seem like she had given up. The judges decided that Brooke has the most potential. Tyra told her not to be afraid to look ugly (don't worry, she's done it her whole life!), and to take some chances. I still think we have a couple more eliminations before we get serious, so there really isn't any reason to get worked up about Gina.

So long bitch!

What did you think of this episode? Did the right girl go home? Should Nnenna break up with her boyfriend? Who had the best picture this week?

Posted by at 1:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (23)

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• According to her ex-fiancé, Nicolette Sheridan is no fun in the sack. Well no shit, after all the surgeries her face looks like BOSNIA. [MSNBC]
• Whitney Houston, please put down the crack. The gays are losing an icon. [The Sun]
• And this Sharon Stone I'm Crazy as Shit and Oh Did I Mention I'm Also the Star of Basic Instinct 2 publicity tour is a hoot. In her newest interview, Ms. Stone says definitively that she has ditched shrinks and therapy. Yep, APPARENTLY SO. [NY Daily News]

Posted by at 8:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (20)

Probably the only thing we'll remember from this week's American Idol was how shocked we all were when Katharine McPhee landed in the bottom two. Aside from that, this latest round of singing was anything but sparkling. I can barely even remember what happened Tuesday night, and that was only 30 hours ago. Nearly all of this week's performances were mediocre at best and duds at worst. Kind of a shock considering how great everyone was on '50s night. This week's theme was the 21st century, which basically meant the contestants could choose anything from the past six years. I honestly expected everyone to shine with music that would connect more viscerally with the audience, but alas, either everyone rested on their laurels or songs from the past six years really sucked (probably a little of both) because it was all just a massive case of the blahs. Thankfully, the show was reduced down to sixty minutes, which meant our pain was short-lived, not to mention a bit rushed. But hey, at least we got to watch Paula awkwardly hit on Ace. That was pretty cool.

First up this week is Lisa Tucker. She bravely takes on Kelly Clarkson's torch song, "Because of You." Unfortunately, there's a big difference between the two versions, namely that Kelly's is in tune and Lisa's is not. This poor girl hits flat note after flat note. I'd like to chalk it up to nerves -- or perhaps anxiety over the first stages of a mustache growing in -- but honestly, the sad truth is that Lisa has somehow veered off the American Idol course, forever destined to play amusement parks and cruise ships. Randy tells her that he doesn't like the song, Paula says she has a wonderful career ahead of her (read: "Yeah, I didn't like it either"), and Simon bashes her as well. Bad way to start the show.

Kellie Pickler sings a song called "Suds in a Bucket," which pretty much sums up this entire performance (and perhaps her life). It's the typical honkey-tonk country song that's cute and amusing but totally forgettable. I find myself focusing less on the singing and more on why Kellie looks like she's only twelve this week. Once again, the judges attack the poor song choice, but Kelly replies with her typical country girl innocence by saying "I'm sorry!" over and over again. She then adds, "I ate a peanut this week! Never had one of those before! It was crunchy!"

Ace is up next, and the song he chooses to butcher this week is "Drops of Jupiter" by Train. It sounds all weird an truncated, thanks to the three seconds the singers now have to perform. Plus, Ace seems like he's straining his vocal chords with every note. It doesn't help that the song is one of the most generic contributions to music in this young century. The entire experience is bland and stupid, especially when Ace pulls back his shirt a touch and reveals a scar on his chest. The song eventually ends with Ace's arm outstretched to the audience. It's supposed to be dramatic, but instead, all we can do is stare at his hand which trembles like tissue paper in the wind.

Randy once again complains about song choice, but Paula has other things on her mind. She wants to see Ace's scar, and so he reveals it again, causing hoots from the audience. "One day, you'll have to explain to me how you got that one," Paula says, surely causing Corey Clark to rise from his seat and yell "I told you! I told you!" Simon and Randy chuckle and say "PAULA," but she insists that it was just a harmless comment. Whatever. Get this woman a bucket of cold water and a tranquilizer. As for you Ace, see you on Primetime Live!

Taylor Hicks sings a subdued song that I actually think is pretty good. He refrains from any spastic jerking and tilting and focuses solely on the music. Unfortunately, it looks like the makeup people went a bit hog-wild on him as his blush and mascara near tranny levels. Randy again is not satisfied with the song choice, but gives the performance a mild "aiight." Paula also isn't a total fan of the song, but surprisingly, Simon says he quite liked it, actually. However, he says that Taylor's outfit it too Clay Aiken for him. This causes Paula to balk in her slurry/hazy sort of way, but I sort of agree with Simon. I don't think Taylor looks like Clay, but he is stuck in run-of-the-mill popstar garb. The kind of junk Constantine would wear and would think makes him hardcore.

Mandisa explodes onto the stage with a gospel/rock anthem that I enjoy, but then again, Mandisa could sing the phonebook and I'd be praising her. She seems to hit all her notes well, and I expect the judges to finally get out of their funk, but no, the dreaded curse of the song choice raises its ugly head once again. Simon goes so far as to say she was "indulgent." And if there's anything we can be certain of, the words "Mandisa" and "indulge" often go hand in hand (along with the words "pudding," "Bavarian Cream Pie," and "buffet.")

In a subtle yet effective way, Ryan and Chris squash last week's controversy by straight out talking about how Chris loves the band Live and how he used their cover last week. Too little too late? Eh, I don't really care. What I do care about is how Chris will survive after he announces that he'll be singing a song by Creed. Really, Chris? You really want to go there? He sure does. And then some. Chris rocks loud and proud on the stage, and while the energy is there, it's not one of his better performances. Simon slaps him with the "indulgent" label and says that he can't keep doing the same schtick week after week. Kind of funny considering that last week Simon praised him for refusing to compromise.

Wearing what seems to be a long lost item from Ellen Degeneres's wardrobe, Katharine McPhee takes the stage and warbles boringly through an already boring Christina Aguilera song. Randy says it's the best of the night so far, but in general, the judges are far from blown away. Looks like the McPheever ain't catching on this week.

Bucky wears a cowboy hat, which is cool. Well, sort of dumb. Dumb and cool. Point is, he's just typical Bucky -- doing his country thing and smiling the whole way. He's certainly better than previous weeks, but I can't even remember the name of his song. Randy and Paula like the performance, but Simon says it was only OK at best. If I really thought Bucky had a chance at going far in this competition, I might pay more attention to his songs. But he'll be out in the next two or three weeks, so why even bother?

Every show, Paris finds new and interesting ways to be annoying, and this week, she fulfills her quota by taking the stage like Beyoncé's pudgy little sister. Unfortunately for Paris, if Beyoncé is a Great Dane, then Paris is just a Toy Poodle. She bounces and hops across the stage, pausing occasionally to whip her hair extensions to and fro. It's a far cry from the sexy act a real diva can pull off, but on this night of blunders, Paris offers up one of the few bright spots of the hour. Still, I'd like to see her trip and fall off the stage. Just once.

Elliot closes out the night with an R&B take on Gavin Degraw's "I Don't Wanna Be." As usual, he nails the vocals, and he even provides us with more of his patented dancing/bobbing than usual. For those of you who haven't seen Elliot's homemade choreography, just imagine Justin Guarini's gentle bounce minus the spread eagle stance. Elliot receives high praise from all the judges, and with that, the show closes.

THE RESULTS

The results show starts with the usual padding: Ryan Seacrest babbles to us about whatever and then we gaze into the audience to see this evening's stellar in-house celebrities. And let me tell you something, there was plenty of star wattage this Wednesday. We had Jessica Sierra AND Justin Guarini in attendance. I don't like making fun of Justin as much as I used to, mainly because I met him once and I was disarmed at how truly nice he was. Plus, he had a disturbingly firm handshake. One of the firmest I'd ever experienced. Oh, but who am I kidding? It's Justin Guarini! Of course I have to make fun of him! LOOK AT JUSTIN!! HA! JERK!!! Phew, that felt good to get out.

We then watch a fairly idiotic video that's supposed to give us a sneak peak into the hectic life of the Idol contestants, but it's really just an elaborate way for Fox to promote its new movie, Ice Age 2: The Meltdown. We watch as the singers all head into a private viewing of the movie, and of course, this results in us having to then sit through a stupid clip from the movie. The singers then all emerge from the screening and provide their own testimonials, à la a million different commercials we've seen over the years.

"Manny was cool!" Paris says in her most annoying voice yet. Sometimes I wish a wooly mammoth would come along and stomp on her.

We then cut to commercial, and when we return, it's time for another ridiculous Ford/Idol commercial. Unlike that ridiculous camping-themed bit from a few weeks ago, this music video has the kids running all over Paramount Studio's city set, cheering up spectators in the process. Again, still wishing for that wooly mammoth to come trampling in.

This week's musical performance finally takes us out of the adult contemporary world of Barry Manilow and Stevie Wonder. Rump shaker extraordinaire Shakira graces the stage along with Wyclef. They have a long but energetic performance whose high point seems to be when Wyclef puts his foot on Paula's chair and raps to her face. Unfortunately, he has no flagrant chest scars, and Paula therefore remains uninterested.

Finally, Ryan begins narrowing down the field to the bottom three. He tells us that the bottom row of singers (Mandisa, Chris, Kellie, Taylor, and Paris) are all safe. We then cut to commercial, and for those of us lucky to live in Los Angeles, we get to see Simon's hoarse-voiced girlfriend come on screen and tease us with rumors that Ryan Seacrest has been canoodling with a Desperate Housewife. Yeah, yeah, Teri Hatcher. Way to blow the lid off that one, AFTER EVERYONE ELSE.

Anyway, Lisa and Ace wind up in the bottom three, which is no real surprise. Then it's down to Bucky vs. Katharine for that last spot. No contest here. Bucky's obviously bottom three. But no! It's Katharine! When Ryan announces her name, a chorus of "BOOO!!"s rain down on the stage. Might this be the upset of the season?

Surely this Katharine McPhee thing is just a scare tactic, but no -- it gets worse! Ryan lets Ace take a seat, which means that Katharine is actually bottom two. Wow. I can't imagine that Lisa Tucker could garner more votes than Katharine, but anything is possible. The saddest part of this all is that Lisa just has to stand there and smile, knowing that everyone doesn't even care that she's in the bottom again.

Of course, no one can deny the McPheever, and she's soon let off the hook. McPhew! Lisa finally goes home, and after watching the "Bad Day" montage again, she sings an encore performance of "Because of You." Thankfully, she's no longer being judged because this version is even more atonal than Tuesday night's. And so ends the Idol life of Lisa Tucker, a once shining star that has faded away week after week. Were you happy to see her go? Was it her time? Or did she have more to offer? Who did you want to leave this week?

Posted by at 2:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (85)

Quick survey: raise your hand if you thought last night's Amazing Race was awesome? Yeah, me too. This season has been serving up solid, chaotic episodes one right after the other, and last night's was no exception. First off -- the airport intrigue was so wonderfully confusing, it almost made up for every Family Edition transgression (well, okay, maybe that's an overstatement). Then there was the rest of the race: when teams weren't getting lost or waltzing by clue boxes, they were spiraling out of control -- suffering minor meltdowns in the face of a simple puzzle Roadblock. We at the TVgasm offices were guessing outcomes right up to the final seconds, and for the most part, we were wrong. The Amazing Race is still the most unpredictable, exciting, and hilarious reality show on TV these days. Kind of a shame that CBS has tucked it away at the "late" hour of 10 PM. Alas.

Tuesday's show opened up in Munich, a city, Phil told us, that was "known for everything from banking to beer." Other things it's known for: being the birthplace of Nazism. Oh, and that whole icky 1972 Olympic hostage crisis thingy. But yeah, mostly banking and beer.

Anyway, first out of the gate was Team Jeric. "Fly to Palamo, Italy," Jeremy said, happily mispronouncing his clue. Palamo, Palermo. Same thing, really. And so to recap, we've moved from Russia to Germany and now were headed to Italy. Or in dictator-ese, that's Stalin, Hitler, and now Mussolini. Might a trip to Cambodia be on the horizon? Maybe Iraq?

Nevertheless, Jeremy and Eric informed us that they'd be keeping to their same basic strategy: not engaging their brains. "We're in a great position because we're not overanalyzing," Eric said. Uh, I'm not sure you're capable of overanalyzing. That being said, I tend to think they've been "in a great position" for probably about ten years or so.

"We're just being idiots like normal," Jeremy said. "Competing, getting chicks, just doing what we normally do, man." Yeah, man. Getting chicks. And exactly how many chicks have there been? Does Johan from the train count?

Well, while Jeric hoped to find naked girls in Italy, the Hippies emerged from the gate with their special strategy du jour: humor! Or, I should say, attempted humor. The guys said that life was about karma, and by using humor, they could get people to help them. This was evidenced by them asking a cabbie for directions and then dancing away like buffoons. That's not humor. That's just dumb. If I were that cabbie, I would have run those guys over.

Leaving next were Lake and Michelle, who were also of the "We can't pronounce 'er' sounds" camp. "Fly to Palamo!" Lake yelled, barely suppressing a KAN-KO-WEE-GO!!! As the hyper couple zipped off to the airport, Lake told us that he was still the leader of the team and that Michelle has only been right a few times with the decision-making. Yeah, that's right, Michelle. Only a baby kan-ko-wee-go for you.

At the airport, Jeremy and Eric showed up at the ticketing counter where they encountered two female workers with bandanas around their necks -- you know, as part of a uniform. The guys bought their tickets, and because curious minds must know, they asked the girls if they had hickeys under their neckwear. Two wild and crazy guys!!!

With nothing left to do, the two goofballs then found some wheelchairs and rolled around in them. I imagine what spurred this on was a conversation like this:

Jeremy: Pretty wheels!

Eric: Shiny too!

And after about three minutes of prodding with a plastic spoon, they deemed the chairs safe to sit in -- fun ensued.

Anyway, the two guys spun around a bit, with Eric managing to fall over backwards in a failed attempt at a pop-a-wheely. Soon, after they too had purchased their tickets, the Hippies joined in the fun, and both teams competed in a wheelchair race through a makeshift obstacle course. I wanted to scoff and roll my eyes, but honestly, it looked really fun.

Lake and Michelle arrived not long after, but they eschewed the wheel chair olympics in favor of finding tickets on the internet. They soon found a terminal they could use and devised a ridiculous plan to surf the web: "I'll do the clicker. You do the typer," Lake said to Michelle. I know it sounded odd, but keep in mind that Lake calls tables "eater-ons," windows "wall seer-throughers," and cars, "Move-y things."

And by the way, could there be a more ridiculous way to navigate the internet than by having one person control the mouse and another with the keyboard? This will lead to lots of dang-gummits...

While the dentist and his wife tried their best to work the Internets, Tyler and BJ showed up to try their luck at booking a flight on the internet too. They had considerably more luck, thanks to being born of the computer generation (and also thanks to them not being complete IDIOTS). The guys managed to book themselves on an earlier flight, but when Lake and Michelle tried to get on the same flight, they learned that it was all full. Yes, BJ and Tyler had snagged the last seats. Dang gummit!

Back at the Pit Stop, we heard clarinets and oboes, which meant one thing: Nerd alert! Yes, Dave and Lori were next to leave, but not before saying "I love you" "I love you too" about fifty more times. Following them was Team Mojo who did a different take on the whole "Palermo" pronunciation. "Fly to Paller-mo," Monica said. PALERMO, people. PALERMO!

"People look at me and think I'm a dumb blonde," Monica then told us. I'm sorry, what was that Paller-mo?

"I'm gonna use the dumb blonde to my advantage," she then added. Yes, I'm sure you'll be able to use it to your advantage. Especially when you arrive in PALLER-MO.

Anyway, back at the airport, Jeremy and Eric realized that maybe they shouldn't be rolling around in wheelchairs but looking for better tickets instead. They and Lake and Michelle tried to get on the Hippies' flight, but they had no luck. Lake and Michelle just gave up and booked a flight that would arrive in Palermo at 2 PM (Hippies would arrive at 10:15 AM). Jeric, meanwhile, gambled with standby for BJ and Tyler's flight. Around this time Frankenberry arrived and snuck onto a flight that arrived in Palermo thirty minutes ahead of Lake and Michelle's. At one point, Lake tried to ask Fran what flight she'd gotten onto, and she simply replied, "Please step back. Just step back, please." Oooh, talk to the hand! The old, wrinkled hand!

Well, a woman talking back to a man was something that Lake had never seen before. "She's a doctor's wife. She shouldn't be actin' like that," he told Michelle, who may or may not have been mid-Scarlett O'Hara daydream. I personally didn't realize that doctors' wives had a code of conduct, but I guess in Lake-land, anything's possible. KAN-KO-WEE-GO!!!

Anyway, standby worked out, and Jeric wound up on BJ and Tyler's flight, which connected through Rome. The Nerds, meanwhile, got on a 9:30 AM flight (the same one that Lake and Michelle were on), but they would arrive earlier than the Crazy Dentist because they were connecting to a different flight (the Frankenberry flight) in Rome. By the way, the airport combinations are crazier than ever in this episode. If you get confused, don't worry. Just go with the flow. That's what we all did at home.

Mojo showed up at the airport next, and if you thought their butchering of Palermo couldn't get any worse, you were wrong. First Joseph asked for tickets to Palomino, to which Monica said, "No, Joseph! Palomer!!" Duh! How about they get two tickets to PHONICS SCHOOL?

Well, Mojo wound up on the same flights as the Nerds, and arriving at the airport last were Teams Double D and Raylonda. By the time they showed up, everyone had already left on their various voyages to Rome, but it was okay. The two teams took the same flight to Rome where they would connect with Lake and Michelle's plane. Makes sense, right?

Sadly, amidst all this insanity, there was no airplane diagram! I couldn't believe it. Surely I thought we'd have a wonderful selection of lines inching across Europe, but no deal. Well, Tyler and BJ's flight for Palermo left first, and behind them were Jeremy and Eric on another plane. Several hours later, Mojo, the Nerds, and Frankeberry all hopped on their flight to Sicily, which meant Lake and Michelle were all alone in the Rome airport. As you can imagine, this truly pissed off Lake. This whole fiasco was turning into one major anti-"kan-ko-wee-go" for him.

Luckily, Michelle was there for the pep talk. "Don't give up," she said, "Somebody's gonna make a mess up. And it's not going to be us because I have you as a partner, and you don't mess up." Well, except for every single leg. Let's just say that I wouldn't want Lake as my guide through a Brazilian sugar cane field.

The good news for Lake and Michelle was that they were soon joined by Ray and Yolanda and Dani and Danielle -- so at least now they knew they weren't totally out of the loop. Meanwhile, over in Palermo, the Hippies arrived at their first clue which had them driving a car to Castelammare De Del Golfo, home of their next clue. Two seconds later, the hippies arrived and found this leg's Detour: Foundry or Laundry. Suddenly, the camera went zipping down a long alley, at the end of which appeared Phil from around a corner. Why, what a pleasant surprise! I often walk down narrow alleys and think to myself, "What would happen if right at this very moment, Phi Keoghan came walking 'round this corner?" Of course, it's always a mugger and three broken ribs later, I remember why I never walk down alleys in the first place. Anyhoo...

Back to the Detour. In Foundry, teams had to pick up a 110 lbs church bell, load it into a little vehicle, drive it to a church, haul it up a staircase, and drop it at a priest's feet. You know, your basic strength challenge. In Laundry, teams had to searching amongst 2,400 pieces of laundry (!) to find one of sixteen marked items. It wasn't as bad as those damn nesting dolls, but man, that sounded tedious.

Well, the hippies decided to do the Laundry, and after what appeared to be two seconds, they found their shirt and headed off to the next route marker in the ancient city of Segesta. There, they'd have to hike a mile to an old amphitheater known as the Teatro Di Segesta. Oh, and by the way: YIELD AHEAD! (Maybe this season the producers will actually put Yields on actual elimination legs.)

As the Hippies headed off for their next destination, the other teams all arrived in Palermo. Double D struggled in their car -- they didn't know how to drive stick-shift (a time honored Race tradition nearly as good as watching people put unleaded in their diesel tanks). Meanwhile, Jeremy and Eric, who actually had arrived way earlier than the rest of the pack, showed up at the Detour and began rifling through the hanging laundry. "This is one of Phil's turtlenecks," Eric said at one point, instantly earning himself like a gazillion points in my book. Anyone who respects Phil's turtlenecks is A-OK by me.

Elsewhere in Sicily, the Hippies reached the Yield, but did they opt to use it? "Weeee choooose not to Yield!" they said super slowly and super annoyingly. They then moved onto the Roadblock which required one person to assemble a Greek statue. Sounds easy, but wait! Those tricky producers added two extra unnecessary pieces to the mix. Very sneaky!

While Tyler got to work on his sculpture (which was basically like Michelangelo's David with an FCC-friendly, penis-coverin' leaf), the other teams slaved away on the Detour. Team Mojo opted to tackle that giant bell, and I could practically feel Joseph's back muscles all giving out and he single-handedly carried that behemoth to the priest. Fran and Barry, meanwhile, got back to doing what they do best: completely missing the clue. They wandered by the damn box two or three times until FINALLY their Senior Sense caused them to pause and think "Hmmm... maybe we should actually look at our surroundings."

They eventually found the Detour and got to work searching through laundry. Lori and Dave soon joined them while Ray and Yolanda unsurprisingly attempted Foundry. As for our old friends Lake and Michelle, they arrived at the Detour near the back of the pack, but they gained a few seconds thanks to Lake's ability to spot the clue box from the road. "You are so good at seeing those boxes," Michelle said, opening up the floor for all sorts of vagina-centric barbs. Well, they too joined the laundry party, but not before accidentally scouring some random person's belongings. "Look at all these clothes!" Lake excitedly yelled at his wife.

"Baby! People live there. That's their stuff!" she yelled back. But seriously, Lake never makes mistakes.

Well, Ray and Yolanda delivered their bell and went off in search of the Yield -- which meant they instantly got lost. Everyone else, meanwhile, toiled away at the laundry. Poor Dave looked like he might just lose it (and when it comes to Dave, losing it means sighing really deeply and then going to sleep). Luckily for him, Lori found the shirt they needed and soon they too were off, once again showering each other with oodles of "I love you's."

Over at the Roadblock, Tyler finished the statue. The Hippies then learned they'd have to hike a mile to the Pit Stop, which was housed in an old temple of some sort. Sure enough, they easily took first place, and I had to laugh when I noticed that they were wearing "Bowling" and "Moms" t-shirts. I didn't know if they'd always had those, but they were pretty amusing. Almost makes up for their annoying antics this week. Almost.

Back the the Roadblock, Eric began constructing his faux-Adonis, and to provide some inspiration, Jeremy offered, "I can take off my shirt and show you guys... those Greek guys are ripped." Yes, this is exactly how their late-night role playing always begins.

Sadly for Eric, Jeremy did not remove his shirt, but he did manage to finish the Roadblock quickly. The two then headed over to Phil, and upon seeing the buxom, Sicilian sidekick of the week, the guys said, "Holy hottie!" They then added, "Oh, we weren't talking about you, sister. We were still thinking about that statue. If ever I wished that Pigmalion were true..."

Well, Phil told the guys that they had arrived second, causing a crestfallen Eric to comment, "Not eliminated."

"Geez! You think you could be a little more excited?" Phil asked incredulously. Wow, they have offended Master Keoghan. They shall receive forty lashes with a balled up turtleneck!

Back at the Detour, Michelle finally found a marked shirt, causing Lake to later yell out "Sugar BLOSSOM!!!!" Hmmm... Doesn't have the same je ne sais quoi as an old fashioned "KAAAN-KOO-WEEE-GOOO!!!!"

Oh, by the way, in the middle of all this action, Danielle and Dani had somehow managed to get to the Detour and were struggling with the laundry too. But now they had finished, and they too were on the road. As for Mojo, they were now at the Roadblock, and Monica was slaving away on her statue, trying to incorporate the two extra pieces into the puzzle somehow. "I feel dumb," she said. She then added, "Paller-mo."

Speaking of dumb, Rhett and Scarlett arrived at the ancient city, but on their hike up to the amphitheater, they spotted Phil's temple. Well, not Phil's temple. Just the temple he was standing in. I would like to think that at some point in the future, there will be a temple built in Phil's honor, but that's neither here nor there.

"You think that's a tee-ay-tro?" Lake asked, applying his most Southern accent to the word "Teatro." The two turned around and ran all the way down the hill towards the Pit Stop, much to the delight of me and, I imagine, all the other viewers. Nothing's greater than watching a team completely miss an entire part of the route.

Coming in third place was Team Mojo, who had somehow persevered over Monica's statue-building brain-fart. Arriving next were Lake and Michelle, but, oops! They hadn't done the Roadblock yet! As Phil looked on confusedly, the good dentist and wife suddenly realized they had made a huge (dang!) mistake (GUMMIT!) and ran out of the teatro fakeout. The two then passed Frankenberry, who had just completed the Roadblock, but when asked for help, the oldsters once again gave them the cold shoulder, simply marching by without a regret in the world. Lake was pissed, but let's not forget who left Frankenberry out to dry in the São Paulo motorcycle shop.

Meanwhile, even though they had finished their Detour way ahead of so many other people, Ray and Yolanda were totally lost in Sicily. I'm surprised they hadn't somehow boarded a ship and wound up in Corsica by then. They had received directions about two or three times at that point, and part of me just wanted to shake them and yell "LISTEN TO YOUR DAMN DIRECTIONS!"

Speaking of lost souls, Lake and Michelle inexplicably couldn't find the giant-ass teatro despite there being a very well-marked path in front of them. This allowed the very sweaty duo of Dave and Lori to sneak ahead and arrive at the Roadblock first. Lori got to work putting together her statue, and she couldn't have looked more delighted. It was almost as if the Farscape convention were back in town!

Lake and Michelle finally showed up at the Roadblock, but not before getting their paws on the Yield. Yes, the two Yielded the ever hapless Team Double D, who promptly burst out into tears when they saw their cruel fate. "That's pathetic," Dani sniffled. Well, you are dealing with Lake here. Pathetic is sort of the name of the game (yee-haw!).

At the Roadblock, Lori's disposition was slowly morphing from gleeful to tearful as she struggled with those two extra pieces. Dave kept telling her that they had to be part of the hip, but she just didn't see it. This led to her taking apart the whole thing and essentially starting over. Lake, meanwhile, volunteered to do the Roadblock again (thus ensuring that Michelle will be stuck with some physically arduous task down the line). As you can imagine, Lake was quite the ridiculous sight. I'm not even joking -- every time he put a piece on, he yelled "YEEEAAHHHH!!!!" I'd hate to see him with Connect Four. Or worse -- a jigsaw puzzle. "Piece 764! YEEEAAAAHHH!!! Piece 765! YEEEAAHHH!!! Piece 766, oh wait, that darned thing don't fit. DANG GUMMIT!!!! No, it does!! KAAAAN-KOOO-WEEEEEE-GOOO!!!"

Once again proving how topsy-turvy this entire race can be, Lake managed to finish the Roadblock while Lori still struggled with hers. At this point, the plucky nerd had devolved into a spastic mess, crying and going nuts while Dave tried to simply quell her and again suggest the pieces go in the hip. THEY DON'T GO IN THE DAMN HIP. STOP!

Meanwhile, Double D finally wiped their tears away and began the Roadblock, which led to all sorts of sexual innuendoes like when Danielle said, "It's not hard. It just has to fit in." As for Ray and Yolanda, they finally parked their car, but with a mile hike ahead of them, there was no way they could still be in this.

Back up at the Roadblock, Lori finally realized that maybe she didn't need to use all her pieces. The two received their clue and began their hike to the Pit Stop. Up ahead of them, Lake told his wife, "We got fat Dave behind us and the girls." I'm shocked that he didn't say anything about "them black folks" too.

"Don't be ugly," Michelle scolded. Dang gummit, bitch! Speak only when spoken to!

Well, in ever the dramatic fashion, Lake carried Michelle to Phil, depositing her at the mat. He then fell to his knees in relief, which caused Phil to then say, "Rise, my friend." It was very odd. Slightly High Priest-ish. Maybe this was Phil's temple after all.

Back at the Roadblock, it was patently obvious that Ray and Yolanda would be losing. At first, I thought we were cutting back and forth between them and the girls, but once Ray started responding to what Danielle was saying to Dani, I realized this was much closer than I had thought. The best part of all this was that Ray's normally quiet, introspective personality came out of its shell as he talked shit through the Roadblock. Still, the girls had such a big lead. How could they possibly lose this?

Well, for starters, Danielle could mess up her sculpture. Yes, she accidentally screwed up the leg of her statue, and the archeological judges wouldn't let her have the next clue until she fixed it. Of course, they didn't actually tell her what was wrong, so instead she fussed around, wasting time trying to fix other things, not realizing where she had goofed up.

Back at the Pit Stop, Dave and Lori, all damp with perspiration showed up in sixth place. "This is quite the workout routine we've got you guys on," Phil said. That was his way of saying "You guys are fat and sweaty." But yes, this was quite the workout routine. However, it might surprise people to know that Dave and Lori go to the gym for six hours a night. And by "go to the gym," I mean play World of Warcraft.

Anyway, Dave suddenly began to tear up and cry because he had become a little frustrated with Lori. Yes, he'd gone to a bad, dark place! A place where he'd had a kind of mild, slightly negative thought! Lori quickly embraced her sobbing man. "I just want to be submissive! That's all I want!" he wailed. Okay, he didn't say that. But we all thought it.

As for the final two teams, Double D's costly mistake had now given Raylonda the chance they needed to pull ahead. Sure enough, Ray finished his sculpture and moved on. Danielle, meanwhile, still hadn't fixed the leg! Well, it was decided now. There was no way the girls could beat Ray and Yolanda in a foot race (downhill, no less!). After all, we see Raylonda jogging in the opening credits every week. This is their thing (again -- Yolanda's thighs. Those monsters ain't gonna stop working for twenty miles). Ray and Yolanda had only one weakness: sense of direction. Sure enough, we then saw them lost, looking at a map for help. The girls, meanwhile, finally finished their Roadblock and began running hot on the heels of their rivals. Still, even though Ray and Yolanda had been terrible this episode with navigation, I couldn't help thinking the random shot of them at the map was misdirection.

Sure enough, I was right. Ray and Yolanda snuck in at seventh place, just barely avoiding elimination. Double D entered the temple not long after, and as they walked to Phil, they said, "It's like the hall of shame." Yes, it was shameful. The girls were eliminated, and even though I did like them, I was happy to see the Yield actually resulting in a direct elimination for once.

"I would say that you guys have had the most successful connections with the opposite sex ever on The Amazing Race," Phil said. That was his passive aggressive way of telling them they were sluts. We don't know if they had sex with Jeric, but I think it's assumed. And if that's the case, it's pretty sad. These girls give it up to two dorky dudes, and where did it get them? Last place in the Hall of Shame! Quite sad indeed.

What did you think about this episode?

Posted by at 7:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (82)

Great news for Family Feud fans. After years of two lackluster hosts (Louis Anderson and Richard Karn, blech), the Feud is finally getting the sort of man it deserves: John O'Hurley. I can't tell you how exciting this development is for me. Two of my favorite pop culture phenomena have united to hopefully create one blissful half-hour of survey-guessin' fun. As Family Feud heads into its thirtieth season, producers are planning to makeover the game show with a new look and a new set. That's all great, but if they don't bring back the original theme song, I'm gonna start a letter writing campaign. I've surveyed a hundred people, and guess what? THEY ALL LIKE THE FIDDLE!

For more information, check out the press release here. And a few sneak peeks at the new-look Feud after the jump.

Posted by at 2:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

I forgot to write about the first episode of NBC's new series Heist last week, but since it was created by the Cullen brothers, who created the short-lived series Lucky for FX and several episodes, including last week's pilot, are going to be directed by Doug Liman, I thought I would give it a try. For those of you who don't know, Doug Liman directed The Bourne Identity and Mr. and Mrs. Smith. And if you really like that first season of The OC, Doug Liman directed the first two episodes as well.

Anyway, I saw the pilot and although I thought it was way too cute and smug early on, by the end I was really enjoying it. The premise is about a gang of thieves that want to rob three Beverly Hills jewelry stores during Oscar week. In the crew we have the mastermind, his tough-talking black sidekick, the old codger, the young dude, and of course, the sassy female member. They are being followed by the equally sassy female detective (who seems to like a taste of the bad side), the plucky black detective trying to get ahead in the racist LAPD, and the racist Irish detective trying to keep his plucky black partner from doing his job.

While I don't think it is recap worthy, the show does do a good job. There are so many shows involving savvy detectives using everything from forensics to chaos theory to solve crimes, it's nice to see some savvy, likable criminals showing us that it takes more than Gary Sinise or Vincent D'Onofrio in a cheap suit to catch the bad guy. It may not be Clooney and Pitt, but If you like a good caper and are too lazy to change the channel after Law and Order, give Heist a try.

Posted by at 2:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Last week's episode of The Sopranos really didn't do much to advance the plot, although it was very interesting to see which of Tony's captains decided to step up in his absence. That honor goes to Silvio, but his decision to step up and take care of Tony's business as well as Carmela and the kids was made because he thought Tony would wake up soon and be very appreciative of what Sil did for him when he was out of commission. Now that it looks like Tony may be out of commission permanently, either through death or some sort of brain damage, Silvio has discovered that being the boss brings a lot more than just huge responsibilities.

We all love the characters on the Sopranos, but we must never forget that all of these guys are here to be earners. With that being said, Vito tips Paulie off to a score in an apartment building nearby. We aren't quite sure what sort of operation they are hitting, but since it is being run by Columbians, we can all take a guess. Vito's tip said that there would be nobody around, so this was supposed to be pretty easy. Unfortunately, there were a few people hanging around, so Paulie and one of his boys roll in there, they have to take out four guys to get to the money.

It's not like these guys were opposed to murdering people for money, but if this hit was only going to net them $10,000, it probably wasn't worth the risk. To make it worse, Paulie got hit in the balls. Now, I am immature, so when Paulie got hit in the nuts I laughed (after the mandatory groan of course), but it was even better because Paulie kept on saying "my balls". Again, maybe you don't find it as funny, but I was cracking up the whole time. If you don't think hearing "my balls" is funny, try finishing every sentence with the phrase for an hour or so, especially out in public. "Ah yes (my balls). I think I will have the lobster bisque for an appetizer (my balls). For the entree, let me try the filet mignon medium well (my balls). No, make that medium rare (my balls). Oh, and I'll have a bottle of the house merlot (my balls)."

Luckily for Paulie, he found the Columbians had hid their cash in the dishwasher and the money inside was worth getting hit in the balls five or six times. If you are as immature as me, turn up the volume and listen to Paulie complain about his balls (parental guidance suggested). Audio Clip 1. Audio Clip 2.

All together now. MY BALLS!

Back at the hospital, Bobby and Christopher are busy putting an end to AJ's idea of killing Uncle Junior. AJ had tried to buy a gun from one of Christopher's guys, who wouldn't sell it to him. Just in case AJ had any thoughts of buying from somebody else, Christopher wanted to step in and tell him that it would be impossible to get to Junior while the feds have him. AJ says that it is "difficult, but not impossible", like that scene from the Godfather Part II where Michael is trying to figure out how he'll be able to kill Hyman Roth. Although AJ decides to listen, he thinks that it was his mother who put them up to it. They tell him to channel the rage elsewhere, like the Golden Gloves or dumbbells or something, but assure him that his father would not want him involved.

The doctors are still worried about Tony's brain function, which segues us into another dream sequence. Dreaming Tony has been served a summons by the Buddhist monks. He goes to the temple, but only because he thinks that these people who want to sue Finnerty might have a way to find Finnerty. The monks laugh at silly Tony and his Roman Catholic sensibilities. To them, it doesn't matter to them that Tony is different from Finnerty, and after dropping some Eastern religion on him, say that somebody needs to take responsibility. Again, I usually don't worry about the symbolism of these dreams (feel free to discuss in the comments), but I will say that I find it odd that these monks in Costa Mesa need heating equipment do desperately. In the coldest months, the average low is like 40 degrees. Buddhists talk about sacrifice, so wouldn't being a little cold at night be a better idea than say, self-immolation?

Like I said, Sil is now filling the big shoes. He's even got Benny Fazio driving for him now. His wife Gabriella is the one with all of the ambition. Nobody wants to talk about what happens when Tony is gone, but Gabriella reminds him that he is going to be one of those people in line. She says that Sil is firm, but not obnoxious, but in reality, he is kind of wishy-washy and disinterested in other people's problems. It was nice to see inside of Silvio's home life for once, and it was particularly hilarious to see his collections of silk shirts. All of these guys have bad taste, but Silvio's is particularly gauche.

Having too many shirts to choose from is probably about the most stress that Sil can take. He wants to go to the hospital to pay his respects to Tony, but his is being bothered by Bobby and Vito, who are still arguing over who is going to start to collect in Junior's old neighborhood. Technically, it should go to Bobby, but Vito makes a claim as well. Sil makes a decision he says is temporary, but it's not really good for either of the guys, and he so desperately wants some peace and quiet, he heads to the stall in order to drop a "duece" (pronounced doo-chay in Italian). He's just about to sit down with the Newark Star Ledger and "break in the dumpster", when Vito comes in and starts talking about Paulie's take down. Then Paulie comes in, still complaining about his balls (he needs an MRI), and Silvio decides that Paulie and Vito will split it 50/50 - that's the take from the Columbians, not Paulie's balls - and Carmela gets 100K a piece.

First order of business: drop kids off at pool.

Just because all of the guys want to see Tony get better doesn’t mean they aren't going to take advantage of his absence. Tony never liked it when Christopher was getting into movies, but it's a dream that Christopher still holds dear, and he still has one friend in the business that owes him a lot. That man is JT Dolan, who I believe Christopher met when he was in rehab, and JT has a gambling problem, so he owes a lot of money to Christopher, so Maltisanti decides to collect. He sends Benny and another guy to grab JT while he is lecturing to prospective members of the Writers Guild, and gives this sap a way out of his problems.

Christopher wants to make an independent horror film, dubbed as Saw meets Godfather, and he wants JT to write it for him. Although it's not completely modeled after Christopher's life, there are some aspects of the lead character, a made man who gets killed and cut up (Ralphie anybody?), but comes back to life and gets revenge on everybody who wronged him including the "cunt who he was engaged to" that was "porking the boss" on the night he was killed. The story sounds like shit, but if they can make two sequels to Saw, what can't Chrissy's movie get made?

I'll show YOU high concept!!

An obvious undercurrent to this season is Vito's closeness to Phil Leotardo. By the way, what are the chances he was called Phil "Reotardo" in grade school? Also, what are the chances the kids that called him Reotardo had unfortunate falls off the teeter-totter and/or monkey bars? I was wondering what made them close and we learned that Vito married Phil's cousin. Phil has actually been a good leader for New York, and hasn't let his personal problems with Jersey stop him from taking care of business and Ginny Sack. That's not to say he will ever forget what happened with Tony Blundetto killing his brother Billy. Maybe the overtures are a little too obvious, but you have to wonder what is going to happen. Vito even starts to question about kicking up 100K to Carmela when Tony might die the next day, but Phil says that you just can't think that way.

But let's get back to JT's movie. He may have thought this was a good way to get out from under his debts, but may be having second thoughts. Little Carmine, who is known for such hits as "South Beach Strumpet" and considers himself very "hands on". JT talks about his script to a bunch of possible investors in order to get some notes. A new kind of slasher film about a "wise guy with a big mouth and bigger dreams" as Christopher says, like he is making the Mob Version of "In America". He gets some good input, but there are a lot of problems with the script, like not being able to call the killer "the butcher" because there was already a guy named the butcher in Atlantic City. The biggest problems is that none of the guys can figure out that the movie is not a documentary, and they spend more time splitting hairs on the definition of slasher film than the details of the movie.

Paulie is also having some problems with the idea of giving Carmela the money. He earned the money, but has to give so much of it away, he needs to cut coupons. Looks like he isn't doing horribly, because he did buy himself a new car recently. Carmela has had a difficult time holding things together, but has done a great job when you think about it. Something was bound to make her snap, and that something was AJ, who was quoted in the news as saying "Growing up Soprano? It's just plain weird". That sent Carmela over the edge, and she goes home and tells him that he is nothing but a cross to bear for the entire family, and he is an embarrassment to boot. She felt bad afterwards, although AJ has always been a fuck-up, so I think A) she should be fairly immune and B) she shouldn't feel bad about screaming some sense into him.

Carmela feels so bad that she goes to see Dr. Melfi, played by our favorite braless wonder, Lorraine Bracco. Dr. Melfi basically tries to get Carmela to, surprise, surprise, think about addressing all of these problems she sees her kids having herself. With Tony in the hospital, the kids have had to come to terms with what their father does for a living. It's not only "Growing up Soprano", but it's having their father's shooting compared to Marvin Gaye's shooting on the local media, and reconciling all of the lies and facades they have placed to insulate themselves. Carmela admits that part of the issue is that she always knew what Tony was, but couldn't decide if she loved Tony in spite of his lifestyle, or because of it. We know that Carmela has tried to deal with these issues with her priest (Ryan Chappelle), but the problems are bigger now. The kids are older, and it's not just that they will have to face what their father has done in front of their friends and peers, but the more they know, the more they could become complicit in those crimes.

Sil's reign as acting boss didn't last long. His asthma was starting to bother him, and he was taken to the hospital himself. I personally think it was more stress than Asthma, but it left a lot of the questions about who was going to pay Carmela in the air. Vito has been chomping on the bit to make a power play, but Sil was always been a clear second in command. After that, it's anybody's ball game so to speak.

Last week, Carmela made a big deal about how AJ was scared to confront his father in ICU, but was proud of how he made the effort because it was difficult to see somebody that you looked up to in such a state. I thought it was very interesting this week how they showed that AJ wasn't the only one with that problem. First Silvio and later Paulie came in to see Tony, and you can see how scared they looked. If you've never experienced somebody who was in the ICU, the tubes and the monitors can really shock you. They did a pretty good job of showing this effect to us, but it's still hard to get that emotion across the small screen.

Meadow was there to tell Paulie to be very positive, since that was what her father needed: positive energy. She then left to see her boyfriend Finn, and rescue him from Vito. Finn is too scared to say anything about Vito sucking off construction workers, but Vito makes sure to let him know that he isn't forgetting anything, and even caresses his hand gently as a reminder. Even though Meadow says Vito is harmless, Finn is really happy when she gets there. Getting a hug and kiss from Meadow is enough to make anybody forget Vito's amorous advances.

In the ICU, Paulie is trying to stay positive. I'm not sure what it is, but as soon as Paulie starts talking, Tony's heart rate goes up. Paulie keeps talking, and yes, mentions his balls, and eventually Tony's heart rate is so high he is going into tachycardia. The doctors rush in to save Tony, but it doesn't look great. They have the defibrillator out and are shocking his heart. While the family gathers round, we peer once again into Tony's dreams, in which he is interpreting Paulie's yapping as noisy hotel neighbors that he is trying to get to shut up.

Dream Tony had found a flyer for the Finnerty family ruin. After calling and getting directions, he takes his rental up there to look for Kevin Finnerty. When he gets to the location, it's late at night, and Tony Blundetto is there to greet him. Tony doesn't recognize him, but explains that he needs to get to the Finnerty family reunion. Tony B. says that everybody has been waiting for him, and hall he has to do is let go of his briefcase and walk inside (to the light of course). Tony doesn't want to give up his briefcase, saying that his whole life is inside, but Tony B says everybody is waiting to greet him. It looks like Tony is not going to be able to hold on, and wants to go inside, but he hears a voice in the trees saying, "Don't go! Please daddy, don't go!”

MY BALLS We love you daddy.

The voice is, of course, Meadow, who is in the hospital room pleading for him not to give up. Even thought the briefcase "looks like it weighs a ton", he is scared and doesn't want to let go. Tony B. tells him it is OK, and then we hear a flat line. Next thing we know, we see Meadow and Carmela watching over Tony's head. His eyes are open. He's going to be OK. Everybody is celebrating, although some (Paulie, who blamed himself since he was in the room when it happened) are happier than others that he is alive (Vito, who now has to give Tony that money).

Tony isn't out of the woods, and as Carmela is feeding him ice chips, he doesn't even realize that he is alive. He has a string of visitors, and although there was a lot of worry, he passed his first basic mental exam. He had us all a little worried there, but Tony is back.

I thought this was another good episode, much better than last week. Although Tony is going to be in the hospital awhile, from the previews it looks like he is going to be back next week, fiery as ever. Aside from all of the high comedy with the balls jokes and the horror movie, we have a great setup for the season. It's taken three weeks to get there, but I've been enjoying every minute of it.

What did you think of this episode? Will Vito make a play for some more power? Who will get Uncle Junior's business? Will AJ look to get into the family business? Will Christopher make his movie?

Posted by at 12:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

I have a bone to pick with Marc Berman. For those of you who don't know who he is, Mr. Berman is a columnist for Mediaweek, and everyday, he writes "The Programming Insider," which is an analysis of the overnight Nielsen ratings. His work is widely-read, and over the years, he's become a minor talking-head on cable TV. Unfortunately, if anyone ever wants to read "The Programming Insider," they have to weed through dozens of inane comments about television. I've often disagreed with Berman's point of view, but hey, he's entitled to have his opinion, right? So for years, I've put up with cloyingly suburban tastes, even when he's called Yes, Dear "underrated" and Supernanny "underrated" and pretty much any awful show "underrated." But now he's gone too far. In Monday's column, Marc Berman wrote this:

Over at NBC, The Apprentice 5 continues to squander its stellar Deal or No Deal lead-in, with a 7.4/11 in the overnights (#3), 10.19 million viewers (#3) and a 4.0/ 9 among adults 18-49 (#4) from 9-10 p.m. Retention for The Apprentice out of the Howie Mandel hosted game show (who is damn good, by the way, isn’t he?) was a disappointing 74 percent in the overnights.

It's bad enough that Berman bashes Trump (everyone does, so I understand), but then he says that Howie Mandel is "damn good"??? What the hell?? Mark Berman has squandered all his television cred. Someone with his sort of influence and reach should not be spewing out blatant lies. Howie Mandel is NOT damn good, and the perpetuation of this myth is borderline criminal. Please, people, if you know what's good for you, keep your children away from Mr. Berman's column.

Posted by at 12:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

The fifth season of The Apprentice continues to bloom like a wonderful, fragrant flower (with bad hair), and on Monday's show, we were treated to another hilarious squabble-fest in the Boardroom. We knew we were in for good times when we found out that this week's challenge involved producing a commercial -- a task that has engendered some of the silliest moments in Apprentice history. While most people remember Erin's sultry cucumber stroking or Kristen's jizz-covered jogger from season three, my favorite homemade commercial came from Randal and Rebecca. Overacting has never been so enjoyable ("Gosh, I hate waiting for these large files!!"). So what better way to improve on a classic mission than to impose a strict time limit and set it out to sea? That's right. The wannabe Trumps had three hours to shoot a commercial on a cruiseliner. Did somebody say chaos?

The show opened up in The Boardroom as we re-lived Brent's disastrous final moments. Oh, what a pure, bagel-consuming mess he was. Surprisingly enough, we focused mostly on Andrea and her shocked, SHOCKED, reaction to Roxanne, who said that Tammy had been the best Project Manager thus far. How dare Roxanne speak such heresy! Andrea's reign of power was bountiful and glorious for Team Synergy! Anyone who thinks otherwise might as well be shot! Sadly, Andrea did not then go running out of the Boardroom and cry in the bathroom.

Meanwhile, up in the suite, Gold Rush prepared dinner and gabbed around the table. They all hoped Brent would be coming back, simply because it meant Synergy would probably wind up back in the Boardroom yet again. This led to general Brent bashing, topped off with Tarek mocking, "Hey guys! Where're the bagels?"

Sadly for Gold Rush, their wishes went unfulfilled. Synergy returned sans Brent, causing great sadness amongst Lee and Tarek. Lenny, on the other hand, looked positively ebullient as he smiled widely and hugged everyone. Then again, he could have also been drunk. We then focused in on a bagel in a plastic bag -- the last symbolic remnants of Brent Michael Buchman. I was shocked that he hadn't packed this tasty snack away. You know that somewhere in the city that night, there was a man crying for his poppy seed bagel.

Later, Roxanne and Andrea had a little tête-à-tête off to the side. You see, Andrea was a little taken aback by Roxanne's comments in the Boardroom and wanted to know what the dealio was. Granted, she wasn't offended by what Roxanne said. "I was just surprised. I was surprised, that's it," Andrea said. Translation: Actually, yes, I was offended. Well, Andrea's ego was damaged, and now she wanted Roxanne to grovel and apologize until the situation was properly remedied. Unfortunately, Roxy had bad news for her: she thought that Andrea had treated the team poorly as Project Manager -- something that Andrea merely brushed off as weakness on Roxanne's part. "If Roxanne can't handle someone being direct with her, then she cannot work for Donald Trump. Period," Andrea said. Funny, I was pretty sure it was Andrea getting flustered by Roxanne's directness, not the other way around.

Anyway, the next day, we skipped entirely over the early morning Rhona call and found ourselves on a cruise ship where The Donald (along with Bill and Carolyn -- dammit! No George and Carolyn again? This is ridiculous) asked a captain about exciting things like keels and hulls and whatnot. "How many propellers does this ship have?" Trump asked. Furthermore, are they Trump Propellers -- a.k.a. the BEST PROPELLERS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD??? Well, for all you wondering, there were only two propellers, which was kind of lame. I was expecting like thirty or, I don't know, A THOUSAND. Worst giant cruise ship EVER!

Turns out this was not just any cruise ship. This was the Norwegian Jewel (rah!) from the Norwegian Cruise Line (RAH!!!). From Norway! (RAAAAHHH!!!) Sorry, had to go for the hat trick. Anyway, the teams soon filed in, and Trump gave them a little lesson about the cruise line industry. Wait for it... wait for it...

"The cruise line industry is a TEN BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!!!" he bellowed. I would have expected a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR industry, but then again, I might have been thinking of just the propeller industry alone... which just so happens to be a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!!!!

Anyway, to the delight of all viewers at home, the teams had to make commercials for the cruise line promoting the company's new "freestyle cruising" campaign. And no, that wasn't Norwegian Cruise Line's new gay fleet. Freestyle cruising was the company's new policy of letting guests eat and dine whenever they wanted to! Oh god. I've turned into a shill. Damn you, product placement!!

Well, unlike other seasons past, there would be a strict time limit enforced on the filming of these commercials. The boat was leaving at 3 PM sharp. This meant that teams had to wrap their productions by then... otherwise they'd be trapped on board. Oh, and by the way -- 3 PM was only three hours away. You know what that means: Conga music and pandemonium! We quickly cut to Gold Rush as Dan assumed the Project Manager position and promptly went nuts. He was following the Theresa school of management: shout things spastically and hope something works. In this case, Dan eschewed the "GET ME A COACH AND HORSES!" demands in favor of writing down random words. "Put down casino!" he yelled for no real reason. I half expected him to add, "Now put down carpet. And hedgehog. Then chaise-lounge. Okay, and how about turnpike? Do we need a verb? We're doing Mad-Libs, right?"

Well, if there's anyone who doesn't like insanity, it's Lenny. "It was so hectic! I couldn't stand [it]!" he told us. It was like all his blimp nightmares come to life! Luckily, amidst all the shouting and confusion, Lenny managed to piece together an idea that at least he and Lee really liked. Basically, it was about a castaway who's saved by the Norwegian Jewel, and consequently comes to love the "Freestyle Cruising" experience. Because honestly, if there's something you hate after seven days of floating in the ocean, it's those damn rigid buffet schedules! I want my casserole now, DAMMIT!

It wasn't a great idea. It wasn't a terrible idea. But it was a good jumping off place for Gold Rush. Of course, with only three hours to film, I didn't know how they were going to create any sort of decent narrative, but such is the joy of the "make a commercial" challenge.

Over at Synergy, Project Manager Roxanne was going for a simpler, more straightforward approach to her commercial. She was simply going to contrast stodgy, old, regimented cruising with new, empowering, freestyle cruising. (Seriously, I really feel like I'm peddling a gay porn here.) Anyway, there was some mild chaos on Synergy, mostly in that Roxanne didn't seem to be stepping up that much -- or at least not as much as Andrea would have liked -- but we knew she'd be okay because, let's face it, the second team profiled after the assignment always wins.

After the commercial break, The Donald told us to "Listen to Your People!" This was evidenced by season three winner Kendra Todd popping up in Trump's office and advising him to aggressively attack an international market. Too bad Tana wasn't hired. She would have insisted on an aggressive bedazzling campaign instead. Anyway, Kendra said that an international market would open up foreign territories (genius deduction) and blah blah blah back to the show.

Now, according to Trump, listening was important, and Dan most certainly listened to Lenny's idea -- so maybe Gold Rush would be in the clear after all, despite having been profiled first. Eh, not so much. After Donald's business lesson, we then cut to Dan doing everything himself (i.e. not listening! BUSTED!!). Basically, Lee, Charmaine, Leslie, and Lenny were left to stand around and watch. With nothing to do, the two ladies decided to hit the toilets and gossip, which then led to the ever so awkward shot of them both sitting in their stalls peeing. Yes, we saw their feet and yes, WE HEARD THE PEE!!! Plus there was this really distracting cloth on the ground. I really didn't know what to make of the whole situation.

Anyway, while they pissed in the bowl, the girls talked about how much Dan sucked and how he wasn't delegating and how he was the spawn of satan and whatnot. We then cut to them standing at the sinks as Charmaine said, "Powerful toilet, huh?"

???

And then Leslie responded, "Yeah, I know. I almost got sucked down with the ship. But if we delegate..." And just like that, they were back to bashing Dan. It was the most random two seconds of toilet commentary ever on reality TV. Don't get me wrong, I was very glad the editors kept it in there, but I couldn't help asking "Why?" I mean, they could have easily snipped that entire portion out. I have to think they were as amused as I was. As for the pee sounds -- we don't like to hear women doing that! Guys -- fine. Frank Drebbin, Homer Simpson -- both excellent urine fiends. But do we really need any Charmaine/Leslie watersports? Methinks not. Unless you're into that sort of thing. In which case, please, enjoy yourself.

Aaaanyhoo... As Dan continued to direct his commercial, Bill Rancic entered and was promptly intercepted by Lee, who enthusiastically explained the entire situation to him. This caused Dan to complain to us that Lee always seems to perk up whenever Bill or Carolyn come by -- well, yeah! He has nothing ELSE to do!

Over at Synergy, with only twenty-three minutes left, Roxanne was racing to meet her deadline. Since she wanted to show how absolutely god-awful and terrible old-fashioned cruising was, she instructed her actors to look and sad and bored. But when Roxanne had to step away for two seconds to answer a phone call, Andrea butted in and told the actors to cheer up. And rightfully so. Only one person's allowed to act glum around here, and that's Andrea (provided she has a bathroom she can lock herself into and cry in).

Well, this did not please Roxanne, but she handled it like a pro by avoiding a fight and simply moving on to the next take. However, she did tell us in an interview, "Andrea doesn't know how to play in the sandbox. I actually know how to play in the sandbox." This will be very helpful once The Donald reveals his latest real estate venture: Trump Sandbox.

With the clock winding down, I began to fear that neither of these teams would be able to get off the boat in time, therefore dooming themselves to a highly unprofessional mid-interview cruise to the Caribbean. That, of course, got us at the TVgasm offices thinking of a great way to scam a free cruise: pretend you're on board to tape a reality show and -- oops, the ship already left port! Guess we'll just have to go along for the ride!

Luckily, everyone managed to wrap up their work in time for the boat to head off, and that night, the teams buckled down and edited together their commercials. On Synergy, Roxanne once again had trouble with Andrea who was reluctant to show the angry, depressed actors. "You're making the product look crappy," she said. Except it's not the product. Don't you realize, woman? You're portraying those other lame cruise lines and-- oh, never mind. I wouldn't want to frazzle Andrea with all my direct talk.

Having put up with enough bullshit, Roxanne finally put her foot down and said she was sticking with her plan (Does this mean she's not listening? Does this mean she'll lose??). "The only thing I expect is just some respect," Roxanne said, proving herself to be an accidental poet. Looks like one thing she doesn't expect is help with her rhymes. Sistah gots some natural freestyling skills. Which would make sense because it's all about the freestyle cruisin'! It all comes together.

Meanwhile, over on Gold Rush, Tarek came up with the brilliant idea of only using text on the commercial. Why? I don't know. But let's not forget that a) he's in MENSA, and b) he looks like Orlando Bloom. That alone should be reason enough to listen to him, right? Well, that and the fact that he's got so much grease in his hair that one spark and he'll incinerate a fifty-foot radius.

Anyway, a text-only commercial was a risky venture, especially since the team already had the tricky task of conveying a castaway narrative. Had these people been diligent Apprentice viewers, they would have remembered how Alla and Felisha had totally bombed their commercial thanks to overuse of text. Or maybe they would have remembered how just the week prior, Synergy lost due to an overly-written Grapenuts banner. But alas, no one could question Tarek's text-only vision -- an artistic choice on par with other great cinematic landmarks such as The 400 Blows and Big Momma's House 2.

Well, Lenny raised an objection in a surprisingly non-obnoxious way, saying that the words could be confusing with so many images going by so fast. But no one listened to him. Ah ha! The lack of listening! Gold Rush is going to lose after all!

Yes, for some reason, Tarek and Dan were massively opposed to a simple voiceover narration. I didn't know why. It would take about two minutes tops to record the track. Still, Tarek had some odd logic to rationalize his bizarre fear of voiceovers. "How many times when you're watching TV -- you see a commercial only once?" he said, implying that the viewer will have several chances to read the text in the spot. And if there's one thing we know about TV watchers, it's that they love to dissect cruise commercials over and over again. Heck, sometimes that's all they tune in for!

Luckily, Lenny made the point that should have won over everyone: "We don't get chance to show commercial 20,000 times."

"You know what, and you can defend your ass that way too," Tarek replied. Seriously, he was way too in love with such a minor detail. I suppose we can start the countdown clock to Tarek's firing right... now.

The next morning, Synergy presented first and even came dressed in matching blue scarves which looked delightfully fey on Sean and Michael. Anyway, their commercial seemed pretty good -- although, Andrea may have been right. Those fleeting three seconds of the couple looking unhappy with the regimented cruising totally made the product look awful. I'm shocked the company didn't receive 50,000 cancellations right then and there!

Next up was Gold Rush, and even though they didn't have dapper scarves, they did have dapper ties, causing one of the Norwegian Cruise Line execs to suddenly say, "Hey guys! You look fabulous!" Of course, with his bizarre Southern/gayish accent, it sounded more like "Hey Gaaaahz! You look fabuuulous!"

The execs then watched the commercial, and sure enough, Lenny was right. The text and images flew by too quickly. Even worse, the execs didn't get the whole castaway thing. Dan tried to explain it, but he wound up veering into abstract (read: silly) territory as he talked about how the castaway's raft was some symbolic image of restrictions in not just cruising, but life in general. Wow. Next time I see a commercial, I'll keep my eye out for random images filled with symbolic heft. That chandelier in the Swiffer ad? Yeah, that represents the inner soul coming to life with the experiential illumination that only the Swiffer can provide.

Well, after some deliberations, the execs faulted Gold Rush for their lack of voiceovers (suck it, Tarek). They explained that voiceovers were critical for reaching people who were only half-watching the spot. It was therefore no surprise that Synergy won the task, and as their reward, they got to visit a secret diamond vault where they'd be able to take home $30,000 worth of jewels. We then cut to the team at an underground bunker (which looked alarmingly like CTU), and after they were frisked by security, they were led into a vault where they could play with diamonds. Yay! Unfortunately, no one seemed to understand the basics of simple finger pressure, and as a result, diamonds went flying from everyone's tweezers. First Tammy dropped a diamond, then someone else, and then Roxanne -- were these people idiots? Did they realize they didn't have to press down AS HARD AS POSSIBLE?

Anyway, back up in the suite, Gold Rush prepared for another intense battle. So far this season, the best Boardrooms have featured these knuckleheads, and I was sure this week's showdown would be no exception. Tarek knew he was on borrowed time with Trump, and so he began campaigning against Lenny and Lee, well, mostly Lee. I wish I could remember what he said about the guys, but I was too distracted by the rare sight of Tarek's hair without the typical gallon of gel in it. Actually, I do remember one thing Tarek said. He told Dan that in Boardroom, "Keep in mind that you have zero friends." Ominous foreshadowing, dearest Tarek.

Well, the gang eventually made their way down to the Boadroom, and that lazy bitch Robin didn't even bother to open the doors for them this week. What's with her? Sometimes she gets up. Sometimes she hides in her desk. I guess it all depends on the status of her Sudoku game. Anyway, as the team filed into the room, Carolyn -- adorned in a snakeskin coat -- shot them a pissy look. The sort of look that says "I just killed twelve gophers on my golf course. With my bare hands. What did you do today?"

Trump began drilling the team about Dan's leadership and whatnot, and almost immediately Leslie sparked to life, saying that her broadcast journalism background was completely ignored. She said that every time she mentioned it, he simply didn't listen to her. Dan denied the accusation, saying he never heard Leslie say anything about broadcast journalism. You didn't hear it because you don't LISTEN, jerk!

"I don't recall it," Dan said.

"You don't recall a lot, DAN!" Leslie snapped back. Oooh! Did Nick Cannon just enter the room? Because these two are wild 'n' out!

Tarek then entered the fray and said, "If Leslie had stepped and said..." I wish I could finish the quote, but at that point, the Boardroom turned into one giant bicker-fest. Seriously. There were about four people all talking over each other. Just about the only person who was silent was Lenny. Finally, after enough of this, Carolyn leveled the team by asking, "Excuse me. Do you know how ridiculous you all sound right now?" Shut up, Carolyn. I was enjoying that (and Trump was too, btw).

"You kind of sound like you're ten years old," she said. Oooh, total snakeskin jacket bitchslap!

With order restored, Trump returned to his critique. He said that he was happy to finally see some energy out of Leslie (wait 'till she starts talking about toilets, Mr. Trump), and then he lambasted the entire idea of the commercial.

"But everybody likes it," Lenny retorted. Yes, just as I'm sure everybody liked when you seasoned Jean Georges's food last week.

Bill, meanwhile, felt that the biggest problem was not the commercial idea. "That was a fatal blow in my opinion. Having text on the bottom of the screen and no voiceover," he said. Tarek tried to then explain his artistic choice, making some ridiculous comparison to impressionist paintings and whatnot. It was such a silly thing to say that Trump returned to his favorite game: making fun of Tarek's MENSA membership.

"I've never seen a genius make so many mistakes," he said. You should see Stephen Hawkings try to prepare a frisée salad. Total disaster.

With the momentum going against him and Tarek, Dan tried to pin everything on Lee. "Let me describe Lee in a nutshell. Lee enters a situation with the impression of 'How can I position myself best?'" Dan said.

"But don't you want to position yourself best?" Trump asked. EXACTLY.

Trump then asked everyone who they'd vote off. After some thought, Charmaine said, "I think that... Tarek's inability to listen somewhat impedes the creative process, and that's where we missed the boat." Sounds like somebody's feeling a bit punny today! Oh, Charmaine, so clever. May your puns forever light up the television landscape.

Ultimately, Dan decided to take Lee and Tarek back with him into the Boardroom, something that totally shocked Tarek. I guess he kind of forgot about that whole "You have zero friends" thing. Dan also pondered bringing Lenny back with him (causing Lenny to shrug and say, "Why not?"), but ultimately, he feared that The Russian and Lee would gang up on him -- so he stuck with his original game plan. Not a good move. Turned out that Carolyn HATED the commercial concept and was Super Snakeskin Coat Annoyed that Lenny wasn't in the Boardroom. Trump then grilled Dan as to why he brought Tarek back with him.

"Tarek came over to me and said 'I just want to let you know, you have no friends in that Boardroom. No one.' And I was kind of expecting to have that followed up with 'Except for me.' But it didn't come," Dan said. I could almost hear a violin playing in the background. He might as well have said, "Tarek was mean to me! I hate Tarek!"

Trump then busted Dan's chops for bringing Lee into the Boardroom instead of Lenny, to which Dan said they were a team (?). Team schmeam. The only reason Lenny wasn't in the Boardroom was because Dan was afraid of him -- a point that Carolyn was all too happy to make (snakeskin!).

But don't think that Tarek was off the hook now. Trump again fixated on MENSA, saying, "You're like an embarrassment for what you represent... I think the MENSA people should change the test because there's something wrong. You've made so many basic mistakes."

Well, after a long, vicious rant against Tarek, it looked like the Orlando Bloom doppleganger would finally be getting the heave-ho, but no! Trump axed Dan for his complete lack of leadership. "I expected that," Dan muttered in response. Shut up. Just leave.

As the gang shuffled out, Trump then blared, "And tell Lenny he doesn't have long to go. Believe me. You can give him that message from me!" Hey, what did Lenny do? Okay, he had a lame concept. And okay, he was stubborn on the corporate retreat challenge. But aside from that, he's been pretty good. You took away our Brent. Don't take Lenny too!

Anyway, Tarek and Lee took an elevator ride of awkwardness back up to the suite Dan hopped into his cab and reflected on the whole experience. He said that he was looking forward to seeing his boys again and then suddenly a demonic expression came over his face as he said, "Daddy's coming home, and I'm going to be EATIN' YOU UP!!!" Ahhh! Scary! Automatic nightmares! I guarantee that every single child watching the show immediately burst into tears and hid under a table.

What did you think? Did Trump fire the right person?

Posted by at 11:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (38)

If you’re morbidly obese like me and sg-dub, you’re always on the lookout for new ways to drop some excess pounds. For years I have wished that I could be able to do something other than blogging, playing video games and peeing in a jar. Now, thanks to the wonders of reality TV, I can.

I am of course talking about the revolutionary diet plan from Apprentice’s own Brent Buckman. Now he is doing to weight loss what he has done to sweating and hair plug bangs. Brought them to a whole new level.

Brent only briefly mentioned the secret to his appearance on the very first episode, and it was hinted at throughout the season through his giant tower O’ bagels . Now he has revealed his secret to the world. Through Brent's fantastic 4 bagel diet plan even you can go from 420 pounds down to 300 pounds, but more importantly maintain that 300 pounds. The reason is simple. Eat 4 bagels a day, supplemented on weekends with endless amounts of, and I am quoting him directly here “chicken fingers and cheese fries, pizza, ice cream sundae, cake, etc”

Brilliant!

Don’t believe me? Check out his website yourself and see the dramatic photos. Proof that you can go from being “scary muumuu wearing fat” to “slightly less scary sweaty Big and Tall fat" in just one year!

Soon I will have something resembling a normal life again. And it’s all thanks to Brent Buckman. You sir, are hired!

How does he do it? Now we know!

Posted by EdHIll at 1:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (22)

Is it too much of an exaggeration that it is becoming difficult to breathe during episodes of 24? It's not that the toxic centox nerve gas is actually coming through your television, but the last few weeks have been so intense that sometimes I forget to take a breath. Actually, sometimes I am afraid to take a breath because I feel if I make any sudden movements (as innocuous as filling and emptying my lungs may be), I might jeopardize the mission. Clearly reality hasn't caught up to me yet, but I don't care. I am true believer of the Holy Order of Jack, a missionary almost, and last night was one very powerful sermon.

There wasn't much that could prepare us last week for the news that Audrey Raines was in on this vast conspiracy, but let's be honest. We all had a sneaky feeling in the back of our minds that Audrey was involved, we were just waiting for the explanation as to how she was involved. Buchanan had Chloe investigate Audrey's activities for the last 18 months to try and see if there was anything out of the ordinary, particularly if she had any involvement with Christopher Henderson or Walt Cummings. Hey, I'm not one to tell these people how to do their jobs, but wouldn't you have thought that as soon as they realized that Walt Cummings had one mole planted at CTU (Spenser), that maybe CTU human resources would have been told to run some background checks on some of the other employees in the building? Wouldn't it just make sense?

Buchanan then had to break the bad news to Audrey that she was being detained on the grounds that Collette Stenger mentioned Audrey's name during the investigation as having given up information important to national security. Although Karen Hayes wants to throw the book at Audrey, Bill wants them to be a little more lenient. Basically, he is trying to save Audrey from having to answer questions from Burke, our torture man. Bill wants to interrogate Collette Stenger but Karen Hayes says that is impossible because Collette has immunity with the deal she just signed. Now I don't know about you, but on a day when the President has just declared martial law in Los Angeles, does anybody think that the most egregious violation of civil rights would be to interrogate a woman who has admitted to selling national secrets? I'm not saying we shouldn't honor Collette's deal, but if you were trying to save the lives of possibly millions of people, wouldn't a few more questions be prudent?

If there was anything going for Audrey, it was that Jack wanted in on the investigation. Luckily, he was able to make it from Van Nuys Airport back to CTU in approximately five minutes. Listen, I can barely get from my bed to the shower in five minutes, so I have no idea that was possible. Although Jack is lobbying for a place, Karen says that he is perhaps too personally involved in this to be able to properly interrogate, and throws out the Nina Myers card just in case he wants to get into an argument about it. In the end, Karen decides to let Jack have a go at Audrey for ten minutes and if he doesn't get any answers, she'll hand Audrey off to Burke for a more "invasive" interrogation. That's what I love about America. In Amsterdam, somebody will charge you to perform an "invasive interrogation" on you, while in the United States they'll prod you and beat you up for free!

Jack goes to Chloe to try and see if she came up with anything on Audrey's background, and surprisingly, there was a little something in Audrey's past that threw up a red flag, namely a relationship with Walt Cummings. Now, it should be expected that Walt and Audrey would bump into each other every now and then. She works for the DOD, he works for the President, but you wouldn't expect to see the two of them checking into the same hotel, especially when they stayed in the same room. Wow, so much for that whole "I never loved anybody else" speech Audrey gave Jack when she found out he was alive. Up until then, I thought that Jack would treat Audrey with kid gloves, but now it's personal.

The process of filling up the CTU rosters with new bodies continues, and Shari Rothenberg introduces herself to Chloe. Some people may recognize Shari as the girl who played Ennis del Mar's daughter as a teenager in the movie Brokeback Mountain. For those of us in New York, you may recognize her as Kate Mara, a semi-talented singer who sometimes performs the national anthem at Giants games. It's bad enough that we had to deal with Ray Handley and Jim Fassel, couldn't they have toned down the nepotism just a touch? Anyway, when Shari says that she is there to replace Edgar, Chloe is kind of upset, but eventually shows her to Edgar's station. "He worked at station six. You may notice that the cushions are a little flat and the keyboard is slightly sticky from the residue of peanut M&Ms, but you'll manage".

I know this great guy for you. His name is Spenser...

Actually, Chloe asked if Shari was familiar with the matrix analyzer, and when Shari says yes, Chloe snaps at her and tell her to make sure the databases are current. Clearly Chloe loves bossing Shari around, but she doesn't have a lisp and has never had a triple bypass, so she'll never replace Edgar. I thought Shari was just going to be another member of the communications team, but she turns out to be much more. As she is sitting at her station, Miles, the government bureaucrat who is desperately trying to "play it straight" sees her, and by the look on his face, he doesn't like her. Well, things are looking up for Shari, because if Miles hates her that tells me that she is actually pretty cool. Nobody can replace Sherry Palmer, but since Ms. Rothenberg spells her first name differently, we'll let this one slide.

But enough with all of these stall tactics. Jack has ten minutes to get some answers out of Audrey, and you know he is going to make them count. There are very few moments during the course of a season when we think that Jack Bauer may have lost some control of his emotions, and this is one of those times. He loved Audrey before he had to fake his death and he hoped to continue a relationship as long as the Chinese don't hunt him down. His daughter isn't showing him any love and his best friend was just killed by his old mentor, and another one of his closest friends was assassinated, and that plan was put into motion by a man that Audrey slept with. Jack probably was getting through this day knowing that Audrey might be the only thing he has left to look forward to in the world. Now that hope was gone, and Audrey had better hope that Jack still had a little compassion left.

The interrogation started normally. Audrey tried to convince Jack that she had nothing to do with it, but Jack screamed at her to sit down. He then proceeded to ask Audrey everything from how Collette Stenger got her name to if her father was involved. Now, we are pretty sure James Heller had nothing to do with this, but Audrey would be the second one of his children to give up important national security details, even if it wasn't in purpose. When Jack asked Audrey about Walt Cummings, you know he was doing it to test how hard he should push her. If Audrey was honest about her relationship with Walt, Jack would know she was telling the truth. If she tried to hide something, Jack was going to push back harder.

Audrey chose option B, and didn't admit to any relationship with Walt until Jack started bringing more evidence. When Audrey still wouldn't admit to anything happening between them, Jack had to get serious. Finally, Audrey starts to explain, and says that their relationship was complicated. 18 months ago was when Audrey was still trying to recover from losing Jack. She did sleep with Walt Cummings, but had to cut it off, well, because Walt wasn't Jack. I wish Audrey would have come to me with her problems, because I could have saved her a drive out to Pikesville, MD and at least fifteen minutes of torture, because I could have told her that Walt was no Jack, just by looking at him.

First comes the choke slam, them comes the tombstone

Jack doesn't know if Audrey is lying to him again, so just to be sure, he throws her up against the wall and starts to choke. He threatens her with more pain, but Audrey is beyond a response at this point. It really hurt Jack to interrogate Audrey, but it hurt Audrey even more knowing that she was a threat to national security. Jack thought that he got all that he needed to know from Audrey, and I certainly didn't think he was too easy on her, but Karen Hayes wasn't satisfied. She thinks that Audrey played Jack, and decides Audrey still needs more questioning.

Ever since I saw Miles give Shari that dirty look, I was trying to figure out what his problem with her was. After Chloe asked Shari to upload some information to the subnet, Miles started going on and about how she was not qualified, and Shari would say that she was provisionally qualified, and Miles saying he'll yank that provisional authority and she will be gone. Hey, in Amsterdam, you pay people to yank your authority, but in the United States you get it for...oh sorry, used that joke already, my bad. [ Late Edit: Chloe fans have e-mailed me saying I didn't give her enough credit for the put down that got rid of Miles. That was an error of laziness, and I apologize]

Even Chloe noticed that Miles was being a douchebag, and so she asked Shari what the deal between the two of them was. We learned that it all started two years ago when they were working in the San Francisco office. Ha! I bet Miles loved working in the San Francisco office; he probably even volunteered for a little "deep cover" work. Then again, maybe I should stop making assumptions about Miles, because the reason why he and Shari had a beef was because Shari had filed a sexual harassment complaint against him. Now perhaps Miles started off grabbing her ass in the copy room so people would stop wondering why he brought a guy with him to all of their weddings and bar mitzvahs, but it got progressively worse. He got a warning, but they didn't have enough evidence to make it stick. Chloe had been listening, but was already bored with the details, and so when Shari said "I better not make any mistakes", Chloe brushed her off with a "Yeah?" in such a way as to let Shari know she wasn't interested in any more of her drama.

As I said before, Karen Hayes wanted to push Audrey harder, so she had security escort her to a different holding cell. Did anybody else notice the new uniforms for the CTU guards? I guess they couldn't find any government agency that had left over read shirts, so they decided to go with that confidence inspiring white on top of black ensemble of the TSA that inspires so much confidence in all of us travelers. I'm just sure they'll do a GREAT job at protecting CTU. Jack sees that Audrey is being moved and attempts to take them out, but Burke has a stun gun ready for Jack. With Jack unconscious for a minute, they are able to move Audrey without any problems. BTW, no need to worry about Jack being hit by the stun gun. He has faked his own death so many times, it must seem as natural to him as a pacemaker by now.

We haven't heard much from Christopher Henderson, and we aren't quite sure where he is, but he is in his car, which probably means that he has been driving for a long time, since we last saw him killing Tony about 90 minutes ago. Los Angeles County is pretty big, so you would think that he would have run into a checkpoint between then and now, but apparently he's been lucky. Henderson gets a call from Brennan, and it looks like Henderson is using the same cell phone he had at the beginning of the episode, which makes me wonder if anybody at CTU even cares that he has escaped. Wouldn't somebody have traced a cell phone or two? I guess with no Edgar, they don't have all of the sockets they would need to intercept that all-important NSA chatter to hunt down Henderson.

Like I said, Henderson got a call from a call named Brennan, who was one of the people who ran Wayne Palmer off of the road. Right after Henderson finishes talking to Brennan, we cut to the Presidential Ranch where Aaron has been waiting for Wayne Palmer. When he hears that Wayne made it to the checkpoint, but not to the compound, he decides to look for Wayne himself. Uh oh. You know that if Aaron left the compound either Wayne or Aaron is coming back in a body bag. Aaron makes it out to where he saw Wayne's car go off the road? What's that? He never saw Wayne's car go off the road? Well, let's pretend that he did. When he finds Wayne, somehow Wayne has taken one of the assault rifles from the people that were chasing him. I thought it was pretty strange, but Aaron didn't wait around for any answers, and they made their way back to the road.

On their way back, they are ambushed, and what looks to be a rocket propelled grenade lands nearby. Wayne is injured badly, but Aaron is able to speed off down the road. Now would probably have been a good time for Wayne to start telling Aaron what he knows, but he'll probably make us wait until he comes out of a coma before we get any more information.

Although I thought that Chloe didn't want to be bothered by what was going on with Shari, she couldn't help but notice that Miles was really giving her a hard time. I am not sure what Miles was upset about, but he went over to Shari's station and inserted his access card into the slot in the most masculine way possible. He was probably upset about having to giveaway tickets to see Cher at the Staples Center, so he decides to take it all out on Shari, saying that she used an improper protocol on the matrixes. When Shari says the protocol checks out, Miles says "only if you have authority", and who was there to give authority? None other than Chloe, who covers for Shari. Miles doesn't believe it, but he can't really do anything, so he removes his access card and returns back to his station, where he'll probably check StubHub to see if he can still get tickets for Madonna or Streisand.

We know by now that the CTU attack was nothing but a diversion, but a diversion for what? Bierko and his boys managed to ambush a couple of police officers and their cruiser so nobody would bother them for any credentials. The destination? Wilshire Gas Company. After shooting a couple of people to show that they mean business, Bierko takes an engineer named Sam and tells him what's going to happen. They need to release a substance so that it flows into the pipelines. Because of the pressure inside the pipelines, the chemical will react with the gas and become inert. In order for their plan to work, they need to release the pressure by 50% percent. Sam says that it will take him an hour, but Bierko gives him 15 minutes. By the way, if they were just planning on breaking into a gas company and shooting people until their demands were met, why all of the fuss about the schematics?

They didn't prepare me for THIS at DeVry

Back at CTU, Jack had only one chance to save Audrey, and that was to find something that would break Collette Stenger's immunity. Unfortunately for Audrey, Burke wasn't waiting for Jack's evidence and started pumping Audrey with that stuff that had Henderson begging for Mercy. If only Curtis had better luck with that sensory deprivation shit last year, maybe Audrey wouldn't be in such pain. It would also give Curtis a chance to do something other than standing around and doing nothing. I hate to say it, but all of that government work has made Curtis a little soft.

Jack eventually found out the information that he needed. Henderson placed eight calls to Collette in the last few months, meaning she withheld information and her deal was void. He goes to the interrogation room where Stenger is being held, and asks her what her connection was with Stenger. The US Marshal that is guarding Collette says that Jack can't question her, so Jack punches him in the face. It's sad to know that our own Marshals are less effective at preventing torture than that pasty amnesty international lawyer from last year, but with him out of the way, Jack is able to get some answers. He doesn't waste any time with Stenger, and to get her to cooperate, he simply points a gun at her head. She admits that Henderson told her to use Audrey's name in case she got in trouble. He then asks her what the next target is, and when she won't say anything Jack tells her she has three seconds to say something or else!

Collette gives up the information, saying that it is going to be a natural gas distribution center, but that she doesn't know which one it is going to be. Jack leaves her alone, knowing that that she and her knockoff Versace dress won't be sitting on the beaches of Tripoli in the company of hairy Mediterranean men with too-small bathing suits and Tom Selleck mustaches, but rather in the cell of a federal prison in the company of hair Mediterranean women in orange jumpsuits and Tom Selleck mustaches.

With the information he needs, Jack makes it to Audrey's interrogation room and gets Burke to stop. I have previously lamented at how the show gets a little too soap opera-ey, but when Jack held Audrey in his arms and she said that the only thing that kept her alive was knowing that Jack would come and get her, I thought to myself "wow, you've only been in there for like thirty minutes Audrey, toughen up you dumb bitch". In all seriousness, it was very nice moment, and for Jack, who seems to be able to save everybody on this show from getting hurt except the people that he cares about the most, it was great to see that after making so many sacrifices today, he was able to get a small piece back. Who would have known that after actual terrorists kidnapped her and threatened to kill her on camera, her own people would detain her and actually do more damage?

Awwww

Through this all, I may have actually had a small lump in my throat, but there was no time for further sentiment. We had to figure out which gas station was going to get hit, and unfortunately, the satellite coverage didn't give them the ability to monitor all of the stations that they needed. Luckily, Shari went to Cal Tech, and I would have to say that she must have been a dumbass if she is doing Homeland Security as her post-doc. She says the same thing about the gas being inert at a certain pressure, so the thing that they should do is check for gas stations where the pressure has been dropping. Only one gas station fits that description - Wilshire Gas Company. Buchanan congratulates her by patting her on the shoulder, and moments later Shari turns to Chloe and was like "Did you see that, it was so inappropriate". I hope Shari doesn't come to the CTU Christmas party and drink the punch; they don't call him "Deep Six" Buchanan for nothing.

Jack and Curtis had a team that was already in the air, but by the time they got to the gas company station, there was only four minutes left until the PSI was at a level where the Centox would be active. By this time, I am wondering why they even bothered sending in Jack and Curtis. I saw The Rock and learned that if you need to destroy VX nerve gas, you just need to heat it until it dissipates. In other words, just blow that shit up! I'm sure Donald Rumsfeld has a tactical nuke he was just waiting to use in cases like this. The two of them make it inside, and we get to the part of the show that we really like: Jack and Curtis go all Metal Gear Solid on us and shoot some bastards in the head. The first kill is very impressive. After the two of them sneak in, they see two guards, take one look at each other, rise up and. POW. POW. Two more Russkies are sent to that big bread line in the sky.

Now, I have all the confidence in the world in Curtis and Jack, but did anybody get a little nervous when they were storming the gas company, full of VX nerve gas, without gas masks? I know Curtis is fast and Jack can hold his breath a long time, but still, it was starting to bother me. Their team makes it to the control center of the gas company, but they lose the element of surprise and there is a gunfight. By this time, the pressure is low enough, and Bierko manages to not only deploy the nerve gas canisters. but to escape from the fire fight as well.

The other terrorists are dead, but Jack needs to find a way to stop the nerve gas from spreading. Since the gas pressure only made it to 50% moments ago, I thought the easiest thing to was to turn the pressure back up. In five or ten minutes when the pressure is back to where it will make the VX inert, it probably wouldn't have killed that many people. Not that many people use gas heat in California, so it would probably only kill those dumb asses who wanted to bake a cake to celebrate their evening of martial law or are too cheap to buy a microwave to do all of their cooking.

Well, that plan was a little too easy for Jack. He must have seen The Rock as well, or perhaps flunked out of Cal Tech, because he decided that the best way to make the gas harmless would be to take some C4 to the main gas line and blow up the building. Curtis and the other team get far enough away, but Jack only has a minute before the nerve gas makes it out of the gas company. He gives himself 30 seconds to get out of the building before shit starts to 'splode, and starts to sprint out of that place.

Phew! Jack is going to be OK. He dodges some explosions, but with the Slightly Faded But Nevertheless Useful Extreme Hoodie of Infiltration, that is not going to stop him. Jack is almost out of range when he looks back and sees that Bierko might escape. I'm not sure how Bierko could escape, because nobody has set up a hard perimeter yet, and as we all know, no bad guys can escape without a hard perimeter for them to break through. Jack chases after Bierko, which inconveniently places him very close to some of the main gas tankers. His hoodie may be Useful and Extreme, but it's not made of kevlar, so I would worry about it's effectiveness when Jack is standing next to a gas tank full of thousands of tons of gas about to explode.

Everybody is screaming at Jack to get back including Curtis and everybody at CTU, who are now watching this all on the satellite. Audrey has just finished freshening up, and it looks like the CTU Salon was able to get her in for a quick appointment because she is looking like a shampoo commercial once again. Anyway, everybody is there just in time to see the main tankers explode, and Jack and Bierko had no shelter except for a police cruiser. Jack has been through worse, but this one may keep him out for fifteen or even twenty minutes.

Like I said, I thought this was a great episode, combining so many of the aspects that make 24 great. Did you like this episode? Well Jack make it out alive? Will Bierko be of any use? What does Henderson want with Wayne Palmer?

Posted by at 1:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (40)

This is it, folks. The moment we've all been waiting for. The big finale of The Gauntlet 2. It's been a fun season, full of ups and downs, drama and heartache, stupidity and... more stupidity. Some people have said this Real World/Road Rules Challenge has been lackluster, but to them, I say "Feh!" Sure, we don't ever really care about the actual outcome of any given show, but since when has that mattered? It's all about watching these hormonally charged reality stars butt heads and attack each other, using warped and flawed logic to rationalize their silly behavior at any given time. And for that, I thank them. Each and every one of them. Even Derrick and Kina, the two biggest idiots of all.

The season finale began where the last show ended: with Derrick and Timmy about to face off in the Gauntlet. This was a tough contest for the Veterans. After all, both guys really brought so much to the team. Timmy brought humor. Awful, awful humor. And Derrick brought ferocity. Ridiculous, overly-dramatic ferocity. This was a Sophie's Choice if there ever was one, and the gravity of the situation was not lost on anyone. Except, well, the viewers who didn't really care who went home. Actually, that's not entirely true. I personally was hoping that Derrick's sanctimonious reign of receding-hairline terror would come to an end, simply because I couldn't stand to hear him make another super serious speech. That, and I feared there wouldn't be enough coffee tables on the island to support Derrick's rampant kicking spree.

Anyway, TJ rang the bell to commence this ever-so-dramatic bout of Reverse Tug O' War, and right from the get-go, Timmy dominated. Derrick was whipped back like a minnow on a fishing rod and was left with little to do but grasp futilely at the sand. All the scrappiness in the world couldn't help Derrick now. It was awesome. I laughed.

Well, inch by inch, Timmy lunged closer to his flag, and just before he made that one last surge, Derrick committed to his most overly dramatic conceit yet. "NOOOOO!!!!" he yelled as if he were witnessing his brother being thrown into a fiery pit. I'm sure when it rains, he goes outside, stretches his arms, and yells to the heavens above -- just for kicks.

Sure enough, Timmy grabbed his flag, officially eliminating Derrick once and for all. Part of me wanted to do a little dance of joy. Another part of me just wanted to point at the TV and snicker. And since the latter required less energy, that's exactly what I did. Watching a defeated Derrick lying in the sand, realizing it was allll over, was worth a whole season's worth of ridiculousness.

Well, Derrick wasn't the only one who could be ridiculously dramatic. Let's not forget Kina, who was so distraught she COULDN'T EVEN WATCH. Oh, the horrors!!! As Kina bawled in her so goddamn pissed off hands, Jodi then piped up to us in an interview and said, "He just worked so hard to get here." Yeah, well, maybe he should have worked hard at making an executive decision for the Gauntlet. Or maybe he shouldn't have spun the damn wheel. After all, TJ did seem to have that special Captain's Choice/Beach Brawl touch. Anyway, Jodie continued, "To go home the day before, it doesn't get any worse than that. It really doesn't." So let's see: Cancer. Genocide. Hate crimes. Going home the day before the final challenge on The Gauntlet 2. Yeah, Jodi's right. It doesn't get much worse than that.

Meanwhile, Derrick's flame may have been officially extinguished, but his spirit still lived on, mainly in Timmy who then ambled around, punching whatever objects were nearby. People, just because you're upset doesn't mean you have to assault inanimate objects. It's lame. If you're going to punch anything, might I suggest Kina? Or Aneesa?

Nevertheless, Timmy told us, "For me to send him home -- it's a HORRIBLE feeling." Kind of the same feeling we get when we have to sit through your jokes, Timmy. (Of course, the good news of all this was that everyone was so preoccupied in being mad and dramatic that we were delightfully spared from some post-Gauntlet comedy from the Timster).

Anyway, Timmy and Derrick stood up alongside TJ for the official captain coronation ceremony, which pretty much involved Derrick anxiously kicking the sand, perhaps unleashing his wrath on an unsuspecting seashell or pebble. "Derrick, he kind of kept this team together," Julie then told us in an interview. Wow. If that's what the Vets were like "together," I'd hate to see them apart.

TJ then took the floor, and I thought he might cry, just because we know how much he LOVES the integrity of the Gauntlet. However, he kept it together to deliver a typically eloquent speech: "Alright, guys. That was... that was a great Gauntlet. Uhhh... it was a battle for sure." Yes, when it comes to wordsmiths, none can compare to Sir TJ Lavin.

Anyway, upon announcement of Derrick's elimination, the teams gave him a standing O (well, they were already standing, but you get the point) and suddenly the music turned up as if this were some sort of great, inspirational moment. I'm sure Derrick appreciated it, but you know in his heart of hearts, he would have preferred the slow-clap transition to rousing applause. Well, moments later, Kina embraced her dear Derrick and outright bawled over his shoulder. Why? Because she's a total idiot. It's not like Derrick was Peyton Manning losing in the playoffs. IT'S A GLORIFIED GAME SHOW!

Soon everyone came up to hug the hero and pay their respects. Mark even put Derrick in a headlock of love. It was so moving, in a completely not moving way at all. "It's hard to watch the undefeated champion go home," Alton said. No, it's WONDERFUL.

Later that night, Derrick packed up and headed to the front door, again receiving applause from the entire house. Why were they applauding? He FAILED! Plus, he looked completely wasted -- just judging by his general stumbling. Bolstering my theory was that he then slurred, "I can't believe I lost, man!" and began pounding a car roof. This then transitioned to Derrick in an interview giving some lame inspirational speech to the remaining players. Just shut up and leave already.

The next morning, it was at last time for the final challenge. Yay! But Timmy's dumb jokes were back. Boo! Yes, Timmy was sporting a dumb hat and holding a giant pair of underwear, saying they were Beth's bloomers. Okay, that was mildly funny. But don't push it, Timmy. You're still wearing a dumb hat.

Ibis -- in her typically feisty manner -- then told us, "There is not a chance in Gauntlet HELL that we are going to lose." Well, there was a chance, and that chance's name was you, IBIS. What is Gauntlet Hell anyway? Is that where Veronica and Tina hang out when they're not on camera?

Well, everyone arrived at Gauntlet Stadium with various names scrawled on their bodies and clothing, courtesy of Sharpie I'm sure (a company that will forever suck for congratulating Danny and Melinda on their engagement, but that's another issue). Some people had the names of fallen teammates. Others just had random family members and phrases instead. It was all some vaguely tribal method of getting psyched. I'm not going to say it looked stupid because people are entitled to whatever pre-game rituals they need, but... it looked stupid.

Anyway, the final challenge was a three-tiered event. Part one would have the teams each eating twelve pounds of Roti, which David later described as a Caribbean Burrito filled with potatoes, poultry, bones, beaks, and other odd bird parts. The second challenge was "Pirate Memory," or as it's known to the rest of the world, "Memory." And for the third event, teams would basically have to participate in a relay race. Now, this may have all seemed a bit, uh, underwhelming at first, but there was a neat twist. Each team would receive 250 "Pirate Gold Doubloons" -- or as I like to call them -- gold coins. For each competition, the Vets and Rooks would have to bet at least one coin and up to a max of 248. So even though these challenges were a bit on the mundane side, this betting element added a nice dimension to the whole event. Plus, there was another twist. Each teammate could only participate in one event, but there were no limits as to how many or how few people could do those events. That meant that, for example, a team could send five people to do Pirate Memory. Or they could send one.

Well, over on the Rookies, Randy (who we all know is brilliant, according to Ibis) said the team should go all in on one event they felt confident in -- a.k.a. the relay race. And so MJ, Alton, and Landon were to race their hearts out in the third competition. Seemed kind of risky to me, but whatever -- I'm not one to question the nuggets of sheer brilliance coming out of Randy's mouth. Anyway, Susie and Kina would be doing the memory game, and as for the eating, that would be Randy, Jamie, Jodie, and, of course, Ibis. Hey, gotta play to your strengths. By the way, I was very disappointed that we wouldn't get to see Ibis struggling with a ten mile run. To paraphrase Brad, I feel very violated right now! VERY violated!!!

Over on the other team, Julie came up with essentially the same plan as Randy, except whereas the Rookies would bet everything on sprinting, the Veterans would go for broke on the eating contest. And so the Vets placed Timmy, Robin, Mark, Julie, and David on the first challenge, Katie on memory, and Aneesa on sprinting. Why Aneesa wasn't part of the eating crew is beyond me. Anyway, if all went to plan, then the Vets would win one coin in the first round, bringing their total to 249, and then the Rookies would win one coin in the third round, bringing their total to 249 also -- which meant it all came down to the stupid memory game. And with Kina and Susie going up against Katie, the odds were decidedly in the rookies favor. I mean, forget that the Rookies outnumber the Vets in that competition -- did anyone really expect Katie to excel in a game of memory?

I need to pause the action to question the teams' logic. What's the point of going all-in if there's no multiplier? Meaning, if the Vets bet 248 coins and win, they don't actually get 248 additional coins back. They only get their part plus whatever the other team bet. So if the Vets bet 30 coins to the Rookies 1 coin, they'd still wind up with a total of 249 if they won, but if they lost, they'd only be down 30 coins instead of 248 and... wow. I can't believe I'm trying to even analyze this. Forgive me. Point is -- the number of coins bet didn't really matter. It all came down to best two out of three -- kind of takes the thrill out of the whole betting scenario.

Okay, so onto the first challenge: eating! We've waited all season for a mass ingestion event, and at long last, here it was. There were a few rules: teams had to have their mouths clear before they could be declared winners and secondly, the first team to throw up would automatically lose. Not a problem for Ibis, I'm sure.

Well, the event kicked off and everyone began chowing down. This meant the typical heavy metal-infused eating montage, capped with Kina screaming, "IBIS! PLEASE!" Turns out that Ibis was having quite the difficult time with the challenge -- imagine that! But amazingly, despite the Veterans having an extra person to take down the roti, the Rookies gave them a run for their money, finishing at nearly the exact same time as their rivals. But it was all for naught. TJ rang the bell and declared the Veterans the winners. WELL! Not according to Kina! She accused the Veterans of not swallowing their food and yelled, "WE WON!! WE F*CKIN' WON!!!!" Wow, I've never seen Kina pissed before! This is a first!

With pandemonium breaking out between the teams, TJ finally stepped in and controlled the situation. "I'm gonna check the tapes, and then we'll decide, alright? CHILL," he said. Consider us chilled! While TJ surveyed the Instant Replay, Mark went off and complimented David for getting out of the way and vomiting off in the distance, unlike Julie who stood around with a mouthful of food in front of the cameras and other team. Stupid Julie. How you have disappointed the Faux-Hawk'd one!

Sure enough, the video footage revealed that Kina was regrettable correct. Julie had tons of food in her mouth whereas the Rookies had been done for fifteen seconds. And so the Vets lost their sure-thing. How did they let that happen? (Later in the reunion show, Mark admitted that he and David had some sort of stomach flu the night before. So why did they place all their manpower on the dumb eating contest? Why not memory? Idiots. They deserved to lose for that). Well, faced with insurmountable odds, the Veterans decided to quit the entire challenge. The way they saw it, there was no way that Aneesa could beat MJ, Landon, and Alton in a sprinting contest. This was true, but hey, we still wanted to see it! Oh well. I guess the Veterans didn't want to go out on the unsightly image of Aneesa wheezing her way down a racecourse.

And so, in a totally lame ending to the season, the Veterans conceded defeat, thus delighting Kina and validating (at least, in her dumb mind) all her idiotic words and hypocritical actions. God, she sucks. Nevertheless, the Vets were gracious in defeat, with Julie telling us, "Through this whole competition, they've been winning and winning and, like, having better strategy and more unity. They deserve it." Hey, Julie, you guys had unity too! After all, DERRICK was holding you together, right??

Perhaps the most shocking part of this entire debacle was that TJ didn't even give us one last lecture about quitting. He just let the Vets throw in the towel! Just like that! And so, the Rookies huddled together into a circle and celebrated. It would have been a nice moment had the camera not taken a disturbing perch right under Ibis's undulating ass. I thought that booty was going to come crashing right through my TV screen.

Later, the various teammates reflected on the win, with Kina telling us, "I'm a rich bitch!" Well, emphasis on the latter word. The team then received a commemorative check for $150,000, which would have been if the "big check" weren't the size of board game. When you give away a check for $150,000, that shit better be at least as big as a large plasma TV. Even more unsightly than this tiny fake prop, however, was Randy who was so happy, he even put a ball in his shirt -- you know, the old "I'm pregnant" gag -- which was so funny WHEN WE WERE FIVE YEARS OLD. Sadly, after replaying the shot many times, I questioned if there really was a ball in there or if that was just his expanding gut. Either way, Randy is brilliant, and I'm not going to make fun of him anymore.

We then sat through an interminable ending sequence which featured the various contestants marveling at the long, twisty road that is The Gauntlet 2. As we saw footage of old fights and conflicts, Ibis said, "All the tears that have been shed, all the arguments that have been had, it has totally been worth it." Well, FOR YOU. Not so much for the Vets. She then added, "Because in the end, we all came together as a team." Yes, they all came together as a team. At least, those of them who hadn't been railroaded off thanks to a witch hunt.

Two minutes later, we were still watching a clip montage, and it was all I could do to stay away from the fast forward button. We SAW the season. We don't need to see it again now that it's OVER. Finally, as we saw a placid view of the ocean and show faded to black, Alton's disembodied voice said, "You know, life is a competition. The Gauntlet doesn't end here." SO PROFOUND! But seriously, don't try to add any relevance to this show. There is none. And that's why we love it.

What did you think about this season? And what about the finale? Should the Vets have changed their strategies? Were you happy with the outcome?

(As for the reunion, I'll recap that later. The Apprentice beckons).

Posted by at 1:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (55)

Former secretary of defense for the Reagan administration and current Fox News analyst (thus making this relevant for TVgasm) Caspar W. Weinberger has died at the age of 88. While the cause of death has not yet been reported, one thing is clear... he will be one friendly ghost.

Casper, the friendly ghost
The friendliest ghost you know!
The grownups might look at him with fright,
But the children all love him so.

He always says hello
And he's really glad to meet ya'
Wherever he may go,
He's kind to every living creature.

Grownups don't understand,
Why children love him the most,
But kids all know that he loves them so,
Casper the friendly ghost!

Too soon?

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 9:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (17)

• Scarlett Johansson has bested Angelina Jolie's exotic t'toos to land the top spot on FHM's sexiest women list. With her mams so firmly in the public domain, really, how could she not. [AP]
• George Clooney, Matt Damon, and Brad Pitt have signed on for Ocean's 13. AWESOME, ever since Ocean's 12 I've just been DYING for another flimsy, smug sequel to spend $10.50 on. [AP]
• Sick of the tired plotlines on Desperate Housewives? Then make up your own plotline with the Desperate Housewives video game. Rated U for Unnecessary. [BBC]
• Scientologists have started delivering placards to Katie Holmes's home reminding her to remain completely silent during childbirth, as is the Scientology way. I love how the British tabloid says Holmes "quickly fell pregnant" after getting hitched to Tom Cruise. Why not "was stricken with a fetus posthaste"? [The Sun]
• And finally, our truly heartwarming news. Have multiple children with Down syndrome? Suffering from Lou Gehrig's disease? Then call Extreme Makeover: Home Edition pronto because you are REAL HIGH on their wish list. [Defamer]

Posted by at 7:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (21)

I'll spare you the same old song and dance introduction about The OC goes through phases of being sucky and being great. The show might have lost the magic that made it a cultural sensation, so it helps to go into with an attitude that the writers are just trying to get through four seasons, maybe five, and then hope to reap the residuals of syndication and DVD sales for a long time to come. That all being said, this latest episode of the OC was actually a reminder of how things were once great, which is also a reminder of how far it has fallen. For those of us still along for the ride, at least the funny parts outweigh the moments when you want to shoot your television.

I knew this would be a good episode of The OC, because we got a little bit of a viewer discretion warning at the before everything started. Part of the reason The OC has lost it's way is that it started to fashion itself as the show for the US Weekly crowd and consequently devoted its time to sill dramas attract your attention for one week. The problem was, there is only so many times you can put Nick and Jessica (or Ryan and Marissa!) break up before people start to look right past it on their way through the checkout.

As the show opened, the person who should have been given and advisory was Summer. The poor thing had to sit through Ryan and Seth playing Playstation, which isn't exactly new, but she doesn't have Coop to help her waste the time away. In fact, Sadie is nothing like Marissa, because Sadie knows how to play video games, and she really knows her way around a joystick (not that Ryan has had the pleasure). I guess I shouldn't be surprised that Sadie is great at Playstation; after all, she is poor, and if there is anything that you can learn from the OC, it's that poor kids will usually outshine their wealthy counterparts in many practical ways like home improvement and Ratchet: Deadlocked.

Summer is trying her best to work with the new group dynamic, but it is sort of hard to go without your best friend. Sadie is nice enough, but Summer doesn't like poor people the way Ryan does, so she has to keep her distance. Still, everything is going peacefully until we hear a knock on the door. Who could it be? Why it's Jess, the girl who nearly died at Marissa's house last year during a party. Trey took the fall for the party, and later, he and Jess hooked up. After the whole mess with the botched drug deal at the Bait Shop and Trey's shooting, the two of them decided to try things for themselves in Vegas. Jess got sick of that life, found herself a new boyfriend, and is trying to start her life back in Newport.

Ryan doesn't want anything to do with Jess, and doesn't care what happened to his brother. Jess does give Ryan a little present Trey bought for him, and then leaves, but you know that this won't be the last time that we see this stupid bitch. Sadie and Ryan are just getting to know each other, so I bet that Jess somehow tries to ruin everything for the two of them. It's already sort of happened, since Sadie caught Ryan talking to Jess and wondered what was going on. They haven't really put any labels on their relationship, but if Ryan was looking to make things last, he didn't get off to a good start by not telling her the truth about Jess. Later, when Ryan opens his gift to discover it is some Hot Wheel car, Sadie asks what it means, and Ryan tells her it is an inside story. Listen I wasn't expecting Sadie to stick around that long, but I was expecting her to last more than a week. If Ryan ruins their relationship because of dishonesty after one week, well I will have to shove one big boot of viewer angst up his ass.

There were other reminders of past episodes this week, like the return of Seth's interview. We thought he may have ruined his chances at Brown by skipping the first interview, but let's be honest, most of these interviews are done by alumni, and it's likely that you already know them. Having actual college staff do the interview is so, well probably around the time the writers went to college. Anyway, Seth's interview went really well, thanks in no small part to the fact that the interviewer was really into anime and so the two of them spent most of their time debating the old Akira vs. Ghost in the Shell debate. They're both idiots, I say, Vision of Escaflowne owns them both!

Anyway, Seth is so stoked that he did well that he says that his bags are already packed. If they don't pick up the show for a fourth season, maybe the kids are going to go to colleges far and away. If there is a fourth season, they are going to have to find a way to keep everybody in Los Angeles. Luckily for the writers of the OC, I have done my research and come up with a plan. OK, that is a lie; the plan actually comes from my good friend Margot, perhaps the most rabid OC fan on the isle of Manhattan. You have to keep everybody in Los Angeles, so why not take advantage of some of the best education Los Angeles has to offer? I give you the The OC plan for the Claremont Colleges.

Summer, being the most normal of the crew would go to Claremont McKenna. Seth, being the smart and intellectual type, would head to Pomona. Ryan, being all hands-on and practical would rock Harvey Mudd. Marissa, being "alternative" would have the best time at Pitzer. Not too shabby don't you think? Sadly, it's much too sensible for the writers, but you can't say that we didn't try and help.

Seth is so excited about his interview that he wants to celebrate, and when Summer bumps into Taylor a little later, Taylor offers to make a flan. I'm not sure what it is about Taylor, but something about her just make me want to taste her flan. When Summer says that she wants the celebration to be a little more intimate, Taylor gets the hint. Summer's dad is gone, Seth comes over, a little chocolate, some strawberries, a dollop or two of whip cream. The earth should be moving long into the night for the two of them, right? That's probably what Summer would like to happen, but Seth's idea of a celebration is much more Blade Trilogy than 9 1/2 weeks, which is too bad because Kim Basinger is H-O-T, even if we have to deal with a lot of Mickey Rourke was well. Ms. Basinger is currently near the top of my list of hottest women over 50 (Kim Cattrall will be joining her this year as well).

When Taylor hears that Summer's celebration is going to be Wesley Snipes and left over Thai, she laments at how the two of them have lost the magic, and warns that Summer may need to take care of it soon. If Summer is not making Seth as horny as before, then she'll have to learn before his eye wonders to other nubile coeds. Taylor reminds Summer that the male libido has does not listen to logic, but it controlled by a reptilian force to spread the seed. And sometimes, that force needs more than hand cream and a box of tissues.

Speaking of needs, it seems that Sadie has some needs of her own, not that Ryan would notice. He is still distracted by Jess's visit, and still not being honest about how he feels. Even after Sadie says that she will listen to what he has to say without judgment (poor people never judge, you see), Ryan won't open up. Seth sees that Ryan could be on the verge of ruining yet another relationship and tells him he has two choices: dwell on the past with Jess, or live for the now and give Sadie a call. Surprisingly, Ryan actually listens to somebody's advice and gives Sadie a call about meeting up later that night.

As far as ridiculous relationships go, I think Marissa and Volchok certainly qualify. Actually, let me rephrase that, because I think that the two of them together might actually work, but the way the writers have brought them together is one huge joke. Volchok isn't really trying to woo Marissa as much as he is stalking her. I think she is curious about him, and she has always gone for the bad boy. First you had Luke, then Ryan, then Oliver, then Ryan, then DJ (he was a bad ass landscaper!), then Alex (OK, she was a girl), then Ryan, and now possibly Volchok. I say that it might work because Volchok is really the best bad boy since the original Ryan version 1.0. Ryan went from bad boy to middle aged, which is probably why Marissa broke up with him in the first place. Although I believe that Marissa wants to go with Volchok, she isn't admitting it herself. Her mom is gone, Summer is busy, and she doesn't want to be alone. She can't go over to the Cohen's because of Ryan, which only leaves her with...Matt Ramsey? Yes, Marissa heads to Matt's apartment, and he tells her that she can crash for the evening. Okayyyyy. I guess that makes sense.

She'd have more friends if she visited more buildings with, you know, people.

Even if Marissa had spent time with Summer, I am not sure what the Blade trilogy would have done for her sanity. Taylor said that guys have an illogical libido, and Seth would qualify, not because he is trying to spread his seed, but because he seems oblivious to the urges. Listen, every couple reaches a point where the same old doesn't really do it for you anymore. You need to find something to spice things up, but I guess since Summer's attempt at dressing up like wonder woman and Seth's issues with whip cream and young coeds have bad memories, they are going to have to find something new. However, I for the life of me can't figure out why Seth is not humping Summer as often as humanly possible. How many years did he go without a girlfriend? God forbid something happen to Summer or they should break up, but why is Seth so sure that he will ever get to have another person with a vagina share his bed ever again? If he can't pitch a tent over Summer, Seth has a problem.

Although I previously thought that Ryan was going to give Sadie a chance, he decides to head over to Jess's house. He does want to hear about what is happening to his brother. I am not sure what he couldn't have just sent her an e-mail or a text message and read about it in the morning, but when he gets to her house, he finds out her parents aren't there, and while she may have a boyfriend, she is going to do her best to seduce Ryan. Ryan doesn't want to stick around, but he wants to know more about Trey. He doesn't go over to Sadie's and is so pissed off at himself that he starts beating up his punching bag. As a fun exercise, watch the scenes whenever people are in the pool house, and count how many times you actually see the punching bag. Kirsten walks in, recognizes that he is having girl problems and gives Ryan a little more Cohen advice: just because Sadie isn't tied to some train tracks doesn't mean that she should be ignored. Yes Ryan, stop trying to find somebody who needs to be fixed and concentrate and finding somebody who might actually be right for you.

Sandy decides that he has to have a chat with Matt about something he heard from Dr. Henry Griffin, namely that Matt's life is full of parties, gambling, and booze. It's such a problem that Dr. Griffin wants Matt to be taken off of the project or the medical board will pull out of the hospital. Since he is such a nice guy, Sandy wants to give Matt a chance to defend himself, but when he shows up at Matt's apartment, the only person he finds is Marissa, dressed like she had just slept over, which is probably because she did just sleep over. Seeing Marissa there in the morning makes as much sense to Sandy as it made for us to see Marissa there at night. What could she be there for? They aren't friends. A ha! Since Marissa is a boozer and a sort of a druggie, Matt must be dealing drugs to underage kids and then having sex with them! It's all so very simple!

When Sandy tells all of this to Kirsten, she seems to be a lot more understanding. Matt isn't much older than the boys, so he has to understand that. I would like to say that Matt, at age 26, should be mature enough to distinguish himself from high school seniors, but from my own experience that is not the case. This past weekend, I had some college friends in my apartment playing beer pong and trading stories of our funniest booting experiences. Therefore, I will let Sandy cast the first stone in this argument, or at least I would if Sandy wasn't so busy trying to get into Kirsten's pants all the time. If I were Seth, I would be embarrassed at how Sandy seems to be more interested in sex than he is. Sandy does have a good excuse though, saying that studies show that kids with affectionate parents grow up to be better adjusted sexually. I guess that explains why Seth never had a girlfriend until somebody from Chino moved into the pool house.

Seth is kind of oblivious to the problems between him and Summer, but summer is definitely worried. She gets a chance to see Marissa at the bait shop, and let's it be known that she wonders if Seth is saving himself until he is being enticed by a big pair of pale, New England boobs. No Summer, what is really going to entice him is the New England winter bikini wax, which is might be called "the Amazon jungle", but doesn't have anything in common with "the Brazilian". And should summer complain about being pale? I don't think so. Marissa would like to say something, but she is too distracted by Volchok, who happens to be stalking her, yet again, right at the Bait Shop.

Jess has her own stalker, also known as an ex-boyfriend, who can't deal with the fact that Jess wants to break up. Ryan goes over to Jess's to chase away her boyfriend, and when she starts crying about her memories of Trey, he stays overnight to make sure she is going to be all right. Considering how often her parents are away, you would think that they could afford an armed guard, and that's assuming that the gated community she is a part of doesn't have their own security service. If she needed somebody removed, Ryan didn't have to stay overnight.

When he wakes up, Jess has prepared breakfast, but Ryan doesn't want to stick around, even when Jess gets a phone call and it's Trey on the other end. This may be the first time I use "good" and "acting" in the same sentence when talking about Ben McKenzie without the phrase "thing his livelihood doesn't depend on having skill at" in between them, but I actually saw a little emotion on his face and you could tell how much Ryan wanted to move on from his past, but at the same time can't sever that connection with his family. That being said, he doesn't have any such connection with Jess, so there is no reason not to kick her to the curb. Ryan tells Jess that he won't stick around to baby-sit her, and if she is feeling sad, invite some of her friends from USC and have a party if she wants to.

I had thought that Seth hadn't noticed things getting a little same old, same old with Summer, but he was becoming a little self-aware. He asked his father whether he noticed things getting stale with monogamy over the years, and I am not sure what possessed Seth to ask about his parents' sex life, because any answer is sure to scar you, but Sandy told him that his mom was a firecracker. Judging by the look on Seth's face, that's not the answer he was looking for. Luckily, Sadie came by, giving Seth a chance to avoid further damage to his fragile psyche.

Seth gave Sadie some advice about Ryan and how he just got out of a two-year drama fest and how when he tried to date somebody normal the fans nearly cried for days she turned out to be his dead grandfather's illegitimate daughter, which is a lie, because we all know Caleb wasn't dead at the time, but really doesn't make it less creepy. What Seth really needed was some answers to his problems with Summer, and although a lot of other people failed to help, Taylor Townsend wouldn't give up so easily.

Earlier, Taylor had see Summer buying breakfast, and wondered why Ms. Roberts didn't have any signs of extended love making like chapped lips, marks on the neck, and hoarse voice from screaming (I guess she didn't think Seth was man enough to induce any other sort of throat trauma). I've actually seen Adam Brody and Rachel Bilson walk into a restaurant for some food, and Ms. Bilson had many more of the tell tale signs that her on-screen counterpart didn't exhibit, so don't worry about her too much.

Anyway, Taylor made excuses to get Seth and Summer to the high school. Taylor's father was a licensed sex therapist, so she got to see all of the wonderful things that he was able to do for people, including all of the couple’s sessions in the basement. I hope she was talking about euchre or Parcheesi, because anything else is slightly weird. Taylor starts with some touching exercises, which is supposed to help a couple find some stirring deep in their loins not associated with the consumption of oysters or viagra. Unfortunately, Seth and Summer had nothing. Could this be the end? Would Seth let a little performance anxiety come between him and Summer? Would Summer not fake an orgasm to save her relationship even when millions of women across America are doing the same thing?

As frustrated as those two may have been about their sex lives, it doesn't compare to how sick I was about Ryan and Jess. I thought that Jess inviting her friends from USC would be a great idea. Actually, I wondered how Jess got any friends at USC. I had thought that she was a senior in high school last year, and if she spent so much time living with Trey, how did she have time to enroll at USC? Is it really worth putting this ridiculous part into the story just so the writers can score some points with some USC alum friends of theirs? Ryan did go to dinner with Sadie, but instead of turning his phone off like any polite young gentleman on a date, he answered the phone. By the way, if you are sick of that, do what I do. Once the other person answers their cell phone, ask to use the bathroom, and then bolt out of there. If you aren't interesting enough for her to give up an hour or so of conversation, you don't have a chance buddy.

Ryan finds out that Sadie's gathering for her friends turned into a big USC road trip. Ha! Maybe the kids from UC Irvine would make the trip, but I think anybody at USC who had enough time to drive down to Newport for a party would probably have found something better to do closer to campus. So there are a ton of kids at her house, and her boyfriend showed up as well. Ryan has to go over there, and then he did something completely unexpected. No, he got rid of the jerk, and saved Jess from trouble, but I can actually say that he might have made a clean break! Yes, that's right! He told Jess that he has to stop seeing girls like her. Now all he has to do is try and find Sadie and salvage some of his so-called relationship.

Ryan was busy saving his relationship, and Taylor was still determined to do the same for Seth and Summer. She decided that she needs to take a more direct route. How does she know so much about sex? Well, "Dean Hess hid a treasure trove of secrets underneath his pink shirts", which I guess means that Taylor Townsend has a treasure trove of secrets underneath her pleated skirts. Taylor has a little book for Seth called the Kama Sutra. It's not that Taylor had to use the book because she couldn't remember what was in it, but it was probably better to show Seth illustrations rather than practicing on her. Seth gets to Summer's house and he doesn't wait for her approval. He throws Princess Sparkle in the drawer so she doesn't have to witness anything and throws himself on Summer, who is more than willing to get down and dirty. Looks like there won't be any problems in that relationship for at least another ten or fifteen minutes, depending on how much ginseng Seth has been taking. Yet another couple that learns the joys of make up sex. That's really what the world needs: peace, love, and make up sex. Then everybody would be happy.

Lukewarm

Seth wasn't the only person making sweet love that night. Ryan gets over to Sadie's place (they are almost finished with the renovations), and finally tells her the truth. Sadie has been pretty understanding of his shit, so it's good to see that Ryan realizes she simply wants to get close to him. The toy car he received symbolized a dream he and his brother always had. When his mother would get drunk or get in a fight with somebody, they would go into a back room of their house, play cars and try and pretend nothing was happening. Trey used to say he would get a Camaro and take them out of Chino, which he sort of did. There was the Camaro, but it was stolen, and Ryan and Trey did get out of Chino, although Ryan went to Newport and Trey went to jail.

Hotter

The reason Ryan had kept quiet with Sadie is that he wasn't used to unloading on people, a problem that he looked to fix in a few minutes. Ryan and Sadie were having a little make up sex of their own, but they were nowhere near the hottest couple of the night. No that award doesn't go to Seth and Summer either. That award goes to Volchok and Marissa. After spurning his advances, Marissa decides to give in to the stalking and Volchok's offer to get her mind off of a few things. I have to say, the sex scene was pretty good between these two. Sadie and Ryan were good together, but Volchok and Marissa really turned it up a notch. Watching Ryan and Marissa be intimate was like watching a zombie movie where zombies make out with each other instead of eating brains. Call it "Night of the Humping Dead". Not so with Volchok and Marissa. I am not sure if there relationship will be anything but hot, grimy sex, but if it's good enough for her mom, I think Marissa will take manic sex over manic depression. Let's all hope for more episodes with parental guidance suggested.

El cuarto de Marissa que ha cogido candela

I thought this was a pretty good episode overall. I thought the weakest part was Dr. Griffith and his beef with Matt. The Newport Group is more than one hospital project, so if Dr. Griffith didn't want Matt on the project, what is the difference? Hire some pretty face, and let Matt run a puppet contracting regime. No need to make a huge deal about it. However, I have to give props for the writers for showing that decisions in the past have consequences. It's too bad Sandy didn't own up to being the one who put pressure on Maia when her father was blaming Matt though. The rest of the stories had a good mix of comedy, and although I still don't get why Marissa and Volchok got together, at least I can take a guess. Next week, it looks like the fun continues as Dr. Roberts comes back with a new fiancée, Julie Cooper. Marissa and Summer have always been like sisters, so if their parents marry, that should be perfect, right?

"Hey!" Count: Episode - 19, Season - 393

Posted by at 6:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

Every now and then (read: once a day), we here at TVgasm like to congratulate ourselves over some inane contribution to pop culture. Today, our big news is that the Mischa Barton nip-slip, which we first posted about back in November, has officially eclipsed the Janet Jackson Superbowl Nip Slip on iFilm, becoming the website's 31st most popular video of all time. This surely must be one of Mischa's crowning accomplishments -- after all, it's no easy feat to surpass such a great moment in pop culture, nay, nip-slip history. So congrats, Marissa Cooper. Your dimly lit, nearly-impossible-to-discern nipplage has served you well!

Posted by at 4:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Hey ladies, feel like making out with a loud, scrawny, clock-obsessed hip hop star? Or maybe you're in the mood to get into embarrassing cat fights on national television, possibly involving spit and other projectiles? Well, then you're in luck! Flavor of Love is casting for a second triumphant season, and even though the producers held an open call in Culver City this past weekend, chances are you probably missed it. But fear not. We found a craigslist ad that looks curiously Flavor Flav-rific. The posting asks "HAVE YOU EVER DREAMED OF DATING A HIP-HOP STAR? LIVE LARGE AND DRIVE IN FAST CARS? THIS IS YOUR CHANCE!" A chance indeed! We encourage all aspiring ho's to apply and report back to us on the sordid details. And in anticipation of the tough casting process, we'll ask a question to prepare you: if some bitch spit in your weave, what would you do? Feel free to answer in the comments section.

Posted by at 3:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (20)

I'm conflicted. About midway through last season's Surreal Life I vowed never to watch the show again - having tasted my own bile too many times as a result of watching the vile media whoring of Omarosa and Janice Dickenson. Now, after my recapping duties superceded my better judgment, I'm thoroughly bored watching the most recent incarnation of the show. But you know what? I'll take "Bored" over "Disgusted with the entire human race" any day. So give me a sec - just putting on my rose-colored glasses... There we go.

The Los Angeles day dawned 68 degrees, smog-free, and beautiful. With bluebirds chirping and the smell of bacon and coffee wafting through the house, CC Deville jogged on the elliptical trainer, George Jefferson yawned, and Maven Huffman dropped in some eye drops. The scene was set - this was gonna be some exciting stuff!

The "Surreal Times" was delivered and CC read the news: Smashmouth (Or, "Schmayshmouht," as CC says it) has a new single coming out, 'The Story of my Life,' and the Surreal Lifers were going to direct and star in the video! Tawny Kitaen was to be the producer and would be responsible for the budget and time management. In her words, "This has been my dream forever!" Really, Tawny? Well, I guess when your claim to fame is writhing around on top of a car in a 15 year old video; directing a video in which you do the same is the next logical "dream" step.

Even more puzzling was Playboy model Andrea Lowell's response: "I'm a huge Smashmouth fan and to be in a Smashmouth video is a dream come true!" Really, Andrea? A huge Smashmouth fan? Can we assume she bought the 3 albums that came out after the one with "All-star" and "Walking on the Sun?" But, like Tawny, when your claim to fame is writhing around naked on video, being in a different video with at least some clothes on is the next logical "dream" step. (Rest assured, Andrea did get naked before the day was out though. Phew.)

Question: Why do bands make music videos anymore? Where are they even aired? That conundrum was lost on the housemates though, as Steve Harwell fired up the Radioshack store brand portable CD player (with stereophonic sound no less!) and everyone danced to the new song. Tawny effused, "The new Smashmouth single - number one with a bullet, I guarantee you!" No need for my usual paragraph-ending joke... I think Tawny just made it for me.

As Tawny did her tawdry dance, Sherman grooved along silently in his Santino-Special tee shirt. This dude was on a hit sitcom and he's wearing what I have only seen being sold to trailer trash in Wal-Mart bargain bins. Oh celestial new age wolf baying at the moon, how can anyone deny your charm? And how could Tawny deny Steve's request that she slink around on a car, reprising her famous video role of yore? The answer: She couldn't. Let's just hope it's a Hummer this time, or better yet a M3A3 Bradley Fighting Vehicle System, considering her recently acquired girth.

Of course show "therapist" Florence Henderson would have to be in the video, so Steve rang her up and laid out the plan: Carol Brady in a dominatrix outfit! What a great idea! (Have her slathering up Sherman with Wesson oil and you'd have a hit on your hands.) Mrs. Brady? "No!" What a prude - oh well, nothing a little cursed Tiki Idol couldn't fix, right? And what better place to find one that at the giant prop store in Hollywood?

So, armed with $1500 that's exactly where the gang drove to in search of outfits and items for the video shoot. But "No" seemed to be the word of the day as every suggestion the others came up with, producer Tawny responded with emphatic, "No's." Like when Andrea picked up a formaldehyde jar and asked, "What about something like this, a fetus?" Because when one thinks of the fun-lovin' Smashmouth guys, one's first thought is of abortions? Oh you Playboy models, always ahead of the curve.

After a succession of scenes that reminded EdHill of drunken college bar nights (a chunky woman saying, "No, no, no, no, no"), Mrs. Brady showed up to help the gang out. Clueless Tawny said to Carol, "You are the dominatrix so let's find you some leather." Ummm, what's the word Mrs. Brady was looking for here... Um... "No!" Gosh, now I was having flashbacks to drunken college nights - an attractive mature woman telling a chunky woman "no" when I bring up the subject of S&M. Sigh. The good old days.

Tawny seemed ecstatic that she saved over $500 of someone else's money by not buying many props. She excitedly told Steve Harwell this and he was understandably confused. But, remembering that Tawny is also famous for beating up a Major League Baseball player, he quickly forgot about it and proceeded with the video shoot. For a video that was a wee bit prematurely dubbed, "The best video ever," by Andrea. I'd even wager that Andrea herself has appeared in several better videos. I'm willing to do the research if someone wants to send a couple my way.

The shoot proceeded with Tawny lording over the proceedings. This prompted purposeful freak Alexis Arquette (of the Family Arquette) to pronounce Tawny, "An asswipe." One wonders, when Alexis wipes his ass, does he sometimes forget to untuck? By the way, I've decided to more or less ignore Alexis and his forced dialogue. Every other quote is sexual in nature and an attempt to be provocative. It's incredibly annoying and cloying and pathetic. As a result, I refuse to play into it. (We'll see how long that lasts.)

Carol Brady did her part in a black dress (and looked good doing it) and CC enjoyed being on camera again. Andrea, Mr. Jefferson, Alexis, and Maven sat around bored out of their (limited) minds. Andrea played with her boobs a bit and I think George yawned again. For you see, this was Tawny's baby and she was running the show. She prepared for her big scene which required her to dress up in a ridiculous nun's habit with pink fishnets and high heels. She went to the set and met with her scene partner - Saint Florence Henderson. Uh-oh.

Apparently, Mrs. Brady was "Raised by nuns," and "can't really do anything sacrilegious about nuns." Wow, Mrs. Brady sucks. How did the nuns feel about her kissing gay Mike Brady for years on television? Or raising a television "son" who grew up to propose to that floozy Adrienne Curry? Or how about agreeing to appear on a show with such moral citizens as Alexis Arquette and CC Deville? Whatever, this video was all about Tawny anyway so when Mrs. Brady climbed in her limo and left, no one cared. (Yes, she actually left the shoot because Tawny Kitaen wore fishnets under a nun's habit.)

Tawny then directed Tawny to stuff her body into a little dress so Tawny could reprise Tawny's most famous Tawny role. I actually felt a little bad for her, as the dress looked awful, the fishnets didn't work, and, well, let's just say Tawny shouldn't pretend to be sexy anymore. Alexis Arquette has a better body.

Is the back of her dress supposed to be closed?
Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth a little at that last sentence. (Though if you have ever seen the funniest non-Comedy Central show of the last few years - "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," you would know that some trannies can be hot. Gosh, I've been wondering how I could give that show props for a long while now.) The other cast members shot their little vignettes and the video shoot was wrapped, never to be seen or heard of again.

Back at the Surreal House, the gang gathered at the pool to celebrate actually sort of working for one day of their lives. A round of virgin margaritas appeared as did a bottle of tequila. Recently rehabbed Steve Harwell proceeded to pour the booze in the drinks while recently rehabbed CC eyed the liquor like a... Well, like a recently rehabbed alcoholic eyeing free tequila. Seriously, this was CC's Abu Ghraib - pure torture. He was somehow able to deny the alcohol just as the gang noticed little notes attached to their glasses.

Hijinks! Those wacky producers had put "dares" on the glasses and before I knew it, Andrea was out of her little dress and into the pool butt naked. Gee, that's just crazy. I had never seen such a thing on "The Surreal Life" before! Not Ron Jeremy, not Adrienne Curry, not Chyna, not Mini Me, not Trishelle Cannatella, not Brigitte Nielsen, not... You get the point. Tawny didn't, however, as she pronounced Andrea, "A slut." Sigh, the only reason this no name young woman was cast on this show was to do precisely that - get naked and jump in the pool. That's what she signed up to do.

She didn't sign up to get kissed full on the lips by CC Deville though - which is exactly what happened when she emerged from the water. Whoa! We've seen many romances blossom on previous seasons; Flava Flav/Brigitte, Peter Brady/Adrienne Curry, Chyna/Marcus, Bronson Pinchot/his right hand - do we have another? Nope, that was just CC's dare. What else could the show's producer's possibly come up with?!

Apparently George Jefferson's dare was, "Speak on camera" as at the 25 minute mark of the episode, he finally did just that for the first time. Alexis' dare was to give someone a lapdance and he proceeded to do so to Maven. Maven then had to prance about in a "whipped cream bikini" which totally fell flat because the cream was warm and, well, it was just a retarded idea. The scene ended with a bunch of choice quotes from the transgendered media whore that I suppose were supposed to be funny and wacky and oh-so deliciously lurid - like, "All I know is he (Maven) has the hot beef filling for my soft taco anytime." Um, dude, you don't have a "soft taco" and Maven isn't into dudes who dress like chicks and you're not funny. I hate you.

They showed the Smashmouth video and it sucked. Apparently my rose-colored glasses broke somewhere during the show. Like at the 1 minute mark.

Posted by at 3:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (17)

By The Qwertz

Just when I was left in a mild depression after the finale of Bravo's Project Runway, along comes the third season of the spectacular, gossipy bitch-fest that is Blowout. I know, what would be so great about a show that highlights a hair dresser and his day-to-day musings and activities? Now, I may not know the difference between a layer cut or a razor cut, but I know a bitchy, self-obsessed, ego-driven queen when I see one, and it is the latter that makes this show a guilty pleasure.

What does Jonathan have in store for us this season? More thrown phones? More hair product being hurled across the room in disgust? Unlimited amounts of Dirt™? More beauty school zings after the jump.

This season opener opens up with Mr. Jonathan Antin himself in what is surely one of the longest voiceovers EVER. In these four minutes, we are reminded of how grating his voice is. Second, we are quickly reminded what the point of this series is: to showcase Jonathan. A series of clips from previous seasons quickly remind us what makes this show so good -- his ego and how it drives him to find other people to build him up. The other stylists Jonathan employs and relies on to further his name are a quirky lot and their individual behaviors add an extension of drama -- nay, a HAIR EXTENSION of drama to this show.

Unfortunately for us, Jonathan borrows a few pages from the Donald Trump Manual on Self-Aggrandizement for Total and Unabashed Dummies. Admittedly this is a man who started out cutting hair and now has his own show on Bravo -- the American Dream for the 21st century. Enough of the niceties though. Jonathan reminds us that after he built his shop and hired his stylists, it was time for the next big step -- JONATHAN ANTIN WATER. OK, luckily for us he skipped that chapter of Trump's book and only developed a showerhead to filter water for your hair -- but more on that later. Next though was the world's greatest hair care product called -- you guessed it -- Jonathan Product. Admittedly the packaging is pretty, but I'm loathe to use anything in my hair that is called Dirt. Moreover, Jonathan reminds us that Jonathan Product is the fastest selling hair care product in the world and that hair care products are a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY. The producers indulge our taste for heated arguments by showing what is one of the greatest reality moments ever when the marketing guy for Jonathan product, who was fed to the teeth with Mr. Antin's antics, finally says "Oh, so your beauty school education is going to allow you to tell me how to do my job?" HA, beauty school zing!

Lest you think Jonathan Product was enough of an ego boost, we are reminded that working under the employ of celebrities is what really makes a person in this world. Jonathan services the biggest celebrities like the made-up celebrity group, The Pussycat Dolls. What's that? His sister OWNS the Pussycat Dolls? Anyhow, it is his product and celebrity exposure that keeps his two shops busy. Funny, I would have relied more on my talent to feed my business.

Lastly, the most unholy of all things unholy -- we learn the man has spawned. Yes, at the end of season two, he proposed to his girlfriend and in the season interim has had a little boy that Jonathan describes as his "newest and greatest venture." Aww, now if that's not love, then I don't know what is.

FINALLY, after the opening credits we ride with Jonathan to his office while he talks about family. His salon and his stylists are his family. His product is like his family. Oddly he has a new family that is coincidentally his ONLY REAL FAMILY-- the Antins. Jonathan explains his salon is expanding to Hawaii after spending $200k on his second salon and another $2.5 million on Jonathan product, but somehow this all adds up to his businesses valuation of "up to $100 million dollars." Hey, no one said you have to be a MENSA member to cut hair. You do, however, need to be able to cry at the drop of a hat, and we are treated to Jonathan's first tear shed. Aww, his child is a venture, and he cries over money. Seriously, this man cries more than the kids in The OC say "hey."

Getting into his salon in the morning, Jonathan goes around harassing his stylists, kissing many too many people, and stepping in to show a stylist a thing or two. I always love when I am in a salon and someone comes over to show my stylist what to do. Instilling confidence in the consumer -- not a strongsuit here. Up in his office, Jonathan's assistant Rosie says the morning show called and wants to discuss the leading issues in our lives today -- namely "fly-away hair, static electricity and hat head." It's here we learn of Rob Lee, who is Jonathan's business manager a.k.a. the slave of satan. Jonathan goes downstairs to kiss a few more women, shake hands with the poor, and kiss children. Uh oh, there's a baby in the room, which of course means Jonathan has to bring it alllll back to him. "My baby is the best in the world -- he sleeps through the night and wakes up laughing, unlike me where I stay up all night and wake up screaming" which I guess was supposed to be a joke as evidence by the fact Jonathan turns around to another stylist who doesn't laugh, but that's ok. Jonathan is man enough to laugh at his own superciliousness.

Next, after kissing a few more women, Jonathan heads to a meeting with Steve, a clothing designer who has hired Jonathan to do the hair for the fashion photo spread. Now Steve has a very clear-cut idea of what he wants for HIS fashion spread in HIS photo shoot. He just wants to know what sort of plan Jonathan has for the models' hair. Jonathan retorts to the specific requests with "umm, well, you know -- great hair. You've seen the hair I do -- like that." Oh, this will go smoothly.

After the break, we are treated to the first board meeting for Jonathan product. Taking over the meeting (which consists of four people incidentally) Jonathan stands up in the room while pointing and addressing one of the other three people. Very awkward. New on the line are two more products including a hairspray and some volumizing spray that have gone ahead in development, which of course doesn't please Jonathan, who ignored all previous requests for additional information. Unhappy, Jonathan, ever the professional says "I know I've been calling it 'root lift' but the names are already on the bottles -- are these the names?!?! The names on the bottle, shouldn't I know about the names?" Umm, didn't you just say you call it that? Anyhow, another lesson in professionalism ensues as Jonathan kicks open the door and storms out of the room. These poor women working for Jonathan Product are saints. Admittedly Jonathan comes back to apologize: "I'm busy -- look, I'm sorry if I'm bitching, complaining and kicking, but I don't give a f*** about all that you know?" Apology DENIED.

After the board meeting, Jonathan heads over to indulge himself in what many consider to be one of the more private acts an individual can participate in -- a session with his therapist. Of course, this is Jonathan, who insists his session are televised. This has always bothered me about Jonathan: he has his therapy sessions taped and his behaviors and revelations in therapy are no different than what is normally seen on the show -- so is his therapy helping him or is he really just playing to the cameras all the time -- and if so, what's the point of therapy? Regardless, this entire scene with Doric George, M.A., M.F.T. is cut so oddly it resembles a Daily Show interview. Of course, the fact that Doric is the love child of Will Forte and Seth Meyers doesn't help much either. The good thing about therapy though is we know Jonathan will cry again. Not even a few minutes in, and he grabs a tissue and says "I'm so busy, I kinda feel like I'm a juggling act in the circus, you know, all these plates I'm just spinning, you know?" AND MIXING MY METAPHORS. Jonathan is feeling pulled in many directions (like taffy at the circus -- laffy taffy no less), the floodgates open, and tears flow. YAY!

Back at le salon, we meet Johnathan's Beverly Hills Salon assistant, SCOTT. It's in caps because whenever SCOTT opens his mouth I have to mute and read his subtitles. I can only put up with one horrific voice an episode, folks. We see Jonathan cutting a woman's hair, and after the cut, we are treated to a before-and-after photo. Umm, the "before" photo looks just like the "after" but with wet instead of dry hair. And she just paid $375 for that? Not satisfied with his client's hair, Jonathan cuts her baby's hair. Dear god. So it's a head of baby hair, and it looks the same after the cut, and Jonathan says "Ok, that will be $175." Not really, but you know he charged for that baby cut.

Jonathan discusses with Kiara -- one of his stylists -- the plan for the fashion shoot previously discussed. Kiara needs to buy loads of extensions because Jonathan plans to peel the clothes off at the fashion shoot, and they will cover the models' "private parts" with hair. Umm, if they wanted their "private parts" covered with hair, wouldn't they have forgone the waxing in the first place? Over at the shoot, Steve the designer/photog thwarts Jonathan's thwarting plans by insisting the models are dressed AFTER hair. Jon was instructed to do uplifted hair so as to highlight the clothes. Nothing says uplift like extensions. FOUR FOOT HAIR EXTENSIONS. The models are dressed, and Jonathan explains he will be peeling back the hair and covering their "private parts" (hee hee) with hair. One model is like "oh HELL to the no" and bolts. Incidentally she is still in her clothes which Steve previously said were one-of-a-kind originals. Say what you will, but the girl was kinda smart just then.

Since most models are the sharpest, they oblige and dress down so Jonathan can do the hair HE wants, not what STEVE wants. Steve wanted clothes to be highlighted with the centerpiece being the clothes. Jonathan turns out models that looked like cover models for the 2006 Calendar of Hirsute Amazons. On the set, Steve walks in and is shocked by the results "WTF? Are you kidding me?" and storms off. Calming him Jonathan says to shoot a few frames and if he hates it, he will change it. Sadly, Steve loves the eventual look and much to my chagrin, Jonathan wins YET ANOTHER ROUND.

Next, Jonathan is off to New York to discuss such hairy topics as hat head, or static hair, or the fate of the Afghani convert. First though, Jonathan has to do hair for Diana DeGarmo of American Idol "fame" and currently set to star in Hairspray on Broadway. Now, I never watched her season of Idol, but how did someone with a lisp do so well? The irony of this situation is surprisingly not lost on Joanathan, "I haven't been involved in too many Broadway productions and this is... Hairspray!" Thanks for clearing that up. After a few pronouncements by Diana about Jonathan being a hair "thupersthar," we are reminded why Jonathan and his family are a scourge on society because "you know, my sister owns the Pussycat Dolls" Jonathan reminds us before showing us a few moves which looked less like dance moves and more like robotic spasms. Once the hair for Diana is completed it is suddenly 4am (damn, her hair took a while and the lisp is gone oddly) and Jonathan gets a call at 4:30am from Good Morning America saying he now has four heads of hair to do and resultantly, needs another set of hands. Luckily, Jonathan's numero uno bi-coastal stylist Jason is in NYC and is woken up by Jonathan pounding on his door. He's dragged out of his apartment to do GMA. Jason is my personal favorite of this series. They should give Jason his own show. I love Jason. Jason Jason Jason.

ANYHOW, over at the GMA studios, Jonathan is as giddy as a schoolgirl "I'm at Good Morning America with DIANE SAWYER, dude!" Umm, what about Charlie Gibson? Respek. In the elevator, Jonathan the cryer gives somewhat of a mild understatement when Jason asks "what are you feeling right now?" "I don't have feelings," says Jonathan. A sphincter says what? In hair and make-up, Jonathan meets and offends some models, mixes a few metaphors -- all before sunrise. "Oh, so you're dry-frizzy. You came equipped!" he says to one model. Remember when Jonathan really cared about the bottles presented to him at the Board meeting earlier? Well a rep from Jonathan Product is in the room with Jonathan going over a few things while he preps hair for the segment he's doing on GMA. Of course, this irks Jonathan who will have none of it as "she's showing [me] packaging and designs and bottles and I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THAT RIGHT NOW!" Hair terrorists strike as the power in the hair and make-up room goes out. Don't they have one of those little black or red buttons on the outlets to push? Sheesh, you'd think a stylist would know that. Ever one to put the experience into perspective, Jonathan tells us "it's the bottom of the 9th, I'm up at the plate, it's two outs, bases are loaded, full count, here's the pitch -- what are you going to do?" Now I'd say hit one out of the park. Jonathan plugs his hair dryer into the outlet in the hallway. Hmm. Boy, was I far off.

After the segment on GMA, Jonathan reflects on how long he's worked to get to the point of being on "Good Morning America with Diane Sawyer." Now, look, I love Diane Sawyer many times more than that frigid bitch over on the Today Show, but show some love for Charlie, or even Robin Roberts. Back in the green room, Jonathan, ever the therapist's dream patient, says (IN TEARS NO LESS) "that's sort of the universal being saying to me 'you did good kid, keep going.' ... I guess I did do good, you know?" Sigh. After this moment of self-congratulatory break-down, Jonathan decides to do something more uplifting that wont make him cry. What's that? Strippers? Scores? Oh, baby clothes shopping. Yeah, this should be GREAT.

Luckily Jason (I love him BTW) knows of a great baby store near his place of the Upper East Side. In the store, Jonathan finds a few overpriced sweaters of premium design and little booties that Claire from Lost could knit in a few hours (bitch can knit) but combined, it is all much too much for Jonathan who -- wait for it -- breaks out in tears again! Ahh, Jonathan reflects on the shopping experience, saying "This girl starts pulling everything out and what could a father say to any of those things except 'I'll take it, I'll take it all.'" Ahh yes, setting the boundaries early. And with those tears, we segue into a preview of all things to come this season. Sundance, hat head, horrible Pussycat Doll auditions, lemons, vaginas, mixed metaphors ("there's a new sheriff in town of the world of hair") photo shoots, and more fights and arguments with Jonathan Product execs, hooray!

A solid first showing for the third season. What more could you ask for?

Posted by at 11:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (31)

When one thinks of sharp timing, creative formats, and comedic genius in the world of late night entertainment, a few names come to mind. Magic Johnson, Pat Sajack, Alan Thicke, and of course Chevy Chase. Now, some of our readers may be too young to remember a time when Chevy Chase was said by some to have been considered funny. Reagan was in office, George Clooney was already a movie star, and The Snorks weren't yet in rerun. Yes, there was a time when Chevy Chase was considered comedic gold - there was also a time when public hangings were considered family fun...so yeah....

Anyways, one of the more public failures was "The Chevy Chase Show" in 1993. Actually, when I say 1993 it could imply a full year, when in actuality it only aired for five weeks before the network shut it down. Even "The Magic Hour" lasted nine weeks. Apparently though, five weeks was long enough to order embroidered jackets for "The Chevy Chase Show" cast and crew. After 13 years, one such crew member is coming to terms with the fact that his grandchildren will have no interest in ownership of a Chevy Chase Show crew jacket, and has decided to put it up for sale on Ebay.

Apparently the jacket is lined with as much dead weight as the show, as shipping for the item is a $25 flat rate. Shipping aside, I am quite tempted to actually own a piece of craptastic television history.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 9:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Before we start off with this week's recap, I just wanted to remind everybody that Veronica Mars is switching to Tuesdays at 9PM, starting April 11th. Our poor girl got trounced by idol and barely kept the ANTM audience so it's on (hopefully) to greener pastures. For a show that always has some speculation floating around that it is going to get cancelled, this is not great news, but that still doesn't take away from the here and now. I have been telling anybody who will listen, whether it be at a bar or a dinner party, that Veronica Mars is the best show on television. While that might make me the least interesting person in the room, at least my conscience is clean. Last week, Veronica found some explosives and detonators in the Terrence Cook's hangar. You remember; it's the one where he keeps all of his fine cars.That's not to say that that Terrence Cook is guilty of homicide, but it will make Keith's job a lot harder.

I have never seen a Veronica Mars episode with so many flashbacks at the beginning of the episode before. That's probably because it has been off the air for so long. I will try to fill people in on some of the details as I go along, but remember you can always check the archives for something that you missed, and please leave a comment if you think there is something important that I missed. As we race towards the season finale, we all have to keep on our toes.

Like I said, Veronica found explosives and detonators in Terrence Cook's hangar, but as we know, it really isn't Terrence Cook's hangar. It actually belongs to Woody Goodman, but oddly enough, it seems as if the people investigation haven't really picked up on that little part of the case, which seems strange because you would think that Veronica or her dad would pick up on this. Whatever the case may be, it really causes a conflict of interest for Keith, who is obviously working for Terrence, but is too good of a man not to report evidence that would help solve the investigation. Keith reports the incident to Sheriff Lamb, who loves seeing Keith come back asking for Lamb to investigate days after Keith came into that same office asking him to stop the investigation.

Now even though Terrence may have killed those kids on the bus, it is still only the second most scandalous murder involving a celebrity in this crazy town of Neptune. That title goes to Aaron Echolls, who is being featured on the latest "Tinseltown Diaries", the Veronica Mars equivalent of the E! True Hollywood Story, narrated I believe by Harry Hamelin (the actor who plays Aaron Echolls) for extra comedic effect. I have to say, I actually felt sorry for Logan at the beginning of this episode. Say what you will about Duncan Kane, he was somebody that was there for Logan more often than not, even when you consider their histories with Veronica. Logan's best friend is now Dick Casablancas who is too busy enjoying himself making jokes about how Logan’s dad got lean off of all of those tossed salads to take a moment to think about what his friend is going through.

Tinseltown Diaries is bringing up all of those bad memories for Logan like his mother’s apparent suicide and everything else that happened to him last year. For his part, Aaron still maintains his innocence, saying that he didn't kill Lily Kane. The sex tapes Veronica found that really, um, exposed Aaron's role in the murder last year are now nowhere to be found. While Aaron avoiding conviction of killing Lily Kane is an interesting story line, he would still be on the hook for at least one attempted murder when he locked Veronica in a refrigerator and set it on fire. Then there are the charges in the assault of the homeowner and Keith Mars, which is enough to keep Aaron in jail longer than this show is likely to be on the air.

Veronica is watching Aaron defending himself on television during a shift at Java the Hutt, but she does have a job to do. Wallace's new girlfriend, Jane, is there with her sister, who is on stage singing Karaoke. Usually when somebody horrible is on stage, the producers like to follow it up with a ringer who is actually a singer in real life, but not this time. Jane's sister Heidi is having her bachelorette party, and before you say who would be lame enough to have a bachelorette party at a coffee house, Java the Hutt was only the first portion of an all-night bacchanalia that the girls had planned that night. They were going to do a whole scavenger hunt thing, including the time-honored tradition of talking a man out of his underwear. Let's hope that the guys they ask have better hygiene than Scott Long. Personally, I tend to avoid these sorts of gatherings like the plague. Then again, maybe I wouldn’t if more of them included number eight, which wasn't explained to us, but which Veronica thought should have some mouthwash at the end.

After soaking in the way Keith cam groveling back to him, Lamb eventually went to the hangar where Terrence kept his cars. As Keith was getting there, he saw the bomb squad removing something, but Lamb made him wait until the press conference before giving him any more information, even though there weren't exactly throngs of people breaking down the barricades for a word with the Sheriff. At the press conference, Lamb announced that there was now a warrant for Terrence Cook's arrest, but nobody knows where he is.

And speaking of people that are missing, Jane has a request for Veronica. Apparently her sister, the beautiful bride to be, was missing. Heidi was a little bit of a wild child when she was growing up, and Jane wanted to make sure that she wasn't out there ruining her life, or was, you know, kidnapped. The wedding is in three days, and since there is a wedding planner taking care of the details and no rehearsal dinner, Veronica can use all of that time to find Heidi and figure out if she is having cold feet, or had her heads and hands chopped off and thrown into the ocean.

Veronica calls her dad to run some phone numbers, and begins to interview the friends. After going to see "Packaged Meat" the all male revue they did run into some trouble at the happy horseshoe. Some guy was hanging around that Heidi recognized and had the bouncers throw out of the bar. They were taking pictures, so perhaps one of them caught this jerk on camera? I am sure that Veronica would have been very interested in seeing the pictures, especially since they were all taken on a novelty disposable camera that produced prints with penises around the borders. When Veronica goes with Jane to check out Heidi's apartment, it looks like it has been ransacked, and although Jane says that Heidi always kept it that way, Veronica only finds some more evidence that maybe Heidi simply left town.

Remember back when Cassidy Casablancas decided to use his trust fund to start a business? He recruited his step-mom Kendall to be the face of the corporation since he was still in high school. Unfortunately, the Phoenix Land trust is out of capital, and Cassidy thinks they need new revenue streams. And although we are all sure that Kendall can be a very busy whore, even she might find it challenging having sex with enough people to get money for real-estate deals. Kendall is sort of annoyed that Beaver doesn't think that she is smart enough to think for herself, but I think she realizes that he is too smart to be corrupted, especially now that he has his own girlfriend. Still, he has to be careful, because Kendall's name is on everything, so she could potentially screw him over down the line. Then again, if Cassidy decided that he was going to bilk investors like his dad, Kendall would assume all of the risk.

Kendall's maiden name was "Chesty McBoobsalot"

Kendall assumes a little more risk when she visits Aaron Echolls in prison. She is trying to get some money out of him, so she does what she does best, which is seduction. It's been a few months since we have had to deal with Kendall, so that means it has been a few months since I have been drooling over her presence on the show. Aaron Echolls hasn't had many chances to drool over a woman in many months seeing as how he has been in jail. Needless to say, Kendall is prepared to temp Aaron Echolls with an offer to make him a richer man. The older Echolls only asks for a little "quid pro quo" with his best Hannibal Lecter impersonation, and Kendall knows exactly what she means and starts to reveal a little bit of cleavage. Did I mention that Charisma Carpenter is hot? After his little peep show, Aaron tells Kendall to drop by his son's hotel room "if she can find it", not realizing that Kendall probably knows the markings on Logan’s ceiling and headboard better than the maid.

Meanwhile, Veronica had been moving along with her investigation into Heidi's disappearance. Her father had tracked down a couple of calls to her, but the number was no longer in service, and even more strange, it was listed as having never been in service. Heidi hit three ATMs in one hour, and Veronica found her abandoned car not far from one of them. Things weren't looking good, so she decided to break into the car to see if there were any clues, and comes across the penis camera. She gets the pictures developed, sans phallic overlay because as se said, "penises can be distracting". That's true, but I only notice when I am watching Tyra Banks on TV and have to take a time out every ten minutes. So Veronica has Jane look at these pictures to see if the stalker guy is in one of them. The good news is that the stalker guy was in one of them; the bad news is that his head is cut off, so the only thing Veronica can use to track him down is the logo on his bowling shirt.

It's not hard to figure out that I don't like Logan, but that's not to say that I don't have sympathy for his character. I think he is an ass that probably needs to get his ass kicked so it knocks some sense into him, and despite all of his flaws, I still think there is good in him. One guy who isn't afraid to tell Logan what's up is Cliff, friend of the Mars family and public defender extraordinaire. The DA wants to make a deal with Logan for involuntary manslaughter, which means he will only be in jail for two years with good behavior. Personally, I believe that Logan has a right to be pissed off for a crime that he didn't commit, and should defend himself vigorously, but he also has to face the facts, which is that juries love convicting smug rich kids, and Logan is the definition of smug.

Logan has his own plan to get free, and that involves seducing Hannah. This time, Logan is working on Hannah's mother, Steph Denenberg. Hannah's mother wasn't too happy to find out Hannah was with Logan either, especially after she saw that Logan had been paying homeless people to fight each other. I will never give up calling Logan a penis head, but Jason Doehring can really act when the writers aren't trying to make him so smug and funny. Logan got into this relationship with Hannah to get at her father. The only way Logan would be able to have any leverage over Dr. Griffith was to get to his daughter.

It has never been a stretch of the imagination to see Logan using women, but he is about to reach a new low, even from him. It's not so much that Hannah is young and innocent and Logan is taking advantage of her, but it's the way that Hannah has looked at everything Logan has done and believed in him. She defends him like no other person he has ever met, but if Hannah's dad testifies, it could mean a lot of jail time for Logan. While at her mother's house, Logan asks to use the computer to check his fantasy scores, but instead uses Hannah's mom's computer to send and message to Hannah's dad that she found some condoms in Hannah's room. There are reasons for 16-year-old girls to have birth control pills that go beyond the presence of an active sex life. You can't really say the same things about condoms. If you have some lying around, it either means you are having sex or are a drug mule.

Do you want to see my "Easy Rider"

The ironic part about this is that Hannah and Logan have been dancing around the question of sex. Her mother even warned her point blank that Logan is a phony that wants to have sex with her and break her heart. Nevertheless, I think Hannah wants to be with Logan. She made fun of him for acting like he was some bad ass, but there is a part of her that really likes that aspect. As for Logan, I think his plan was always to break up with her, but no necessarily to break her heat. He just expected that her father would flinch about their relationship, and he never expected to have feelings for her. Could Logan do it? I think in the end he will look out for himself first, and everybody else will come later.

When Veronica finally tracked down the owner of the bowling shirt in the pictures, she found somebody she should have expected in the first place - Vincent Van Lowe, also known as the other private investigator in Neptune. Props to the writers for throwing in a good "This is not 'Nam! This is bowling! There are rules!" a la John Goodman in The Big Lebowski. I wish Vinny would have said, "Nobody Fucks with da Vinny" or have Veronica say, "Say what you will about the tenets of Vincent Van Lowe, at least it's an ethos" or even "You don't golf much" or, well I could go on for hours. Vincent wasn't really letting on why he was following Heidi around, but just because he was thrown out of a bar for chasing women doesn't make him a suspect.

Veronica had some more luck with Heidi after finding out the missing bride to be had a fax machine and had received a flyer for her ex-flame Nick's band. Heidi was so into Nick the first time that she had his name tattooed on her ass after one week. She eventually had it lasered off and said she was over him, but that was the first place that Veronica had to look. Nick's band XLR8 was in San Luis Obispo (probably playing for those hard working kids at Cal Poly), which is not that far of a drive, but with her car in the shop (or at least it was last week) she decided to take the train.

When Veronica gets there, Heidi is quite surprised that people are looking for her. She had received a message from her friend that she saw Heidi's fiancée smooching with another girl, so Heidi left. She heard that Nick's mother was in bad shape, so she decided to get up and leave. She couldn't return calls because she had left her charger at home, and her car wasn't abandoned, it was in the parking lot next to the bus station. It's all a very good explanation until we hear that Nick didn't send the fax to Heidi. Suddenly, Veronica knows exactly what is going on.

It's Saturday, the day of the wedding, and being such a small ceremony, you can really tell when people who are supposed to be there don't show up, especially if she is one of the people getting married. When Heidi does arrive, her soon to be husband and family are more shocked than relieved. They were the ones who hired Vinny to follow Heidi. He had been doing it for awhile, and had stumbled upon some parts of her past that were unsavory to the old money family she was about to buy into. Unfortunately, her husband, who she thought was a great guy, couldn't deal with it and wanted to call off the wedding.

Being in polite society, if Heidi's man called off the wedding, he wouldn't be able to ask for the engagement ring back. It did cost him a lot of money, so they hired Vincent Van Lowe to make her disappear for the ceremony. Vinny stole Heidi's friend's cell phone and sent that text message. He also sent the fake fax that would get Heidi out of town. When Heidi discovered this plan, she came back, gave them all attitude, and decided to pawn off the ring just to spite them all. Count another mystery solved for Veronica Mars.

Til slutty past do us part

Kendall and Cassidy's real estate plans might have taken a turn for the worse through all of this. When in the future business leaders of America meeting, the teacher talks about how incorporation would be good for one part of town, but bad for anybody in the county not fully incorporated. His real life example? Palo Alto. Rich and privileged core surrounded by, well, East Palo Alto mostly. I still say the shortest route from rich, academic enclave to surrounding shithole is the ride from Yale through New Haven, but anyway, I couldn't tell by the look on Cassidy's face whether he is planning for these changes, is going to get caught flat footed, or is just going to bail on the whole thing and cash out like his father, becoming the second Casablancas to leave Kendall holding the bag.

I thought this was a really good episode. Again, it's too bad not a lot of people watch this, but I think things are coming along nicely. We weren't told if Logan and Hannah had sex, but after Kendall hits Logan up for some real-estate cash, Dr. Griffith sees her as she is leaving. By the way, Aaron didn't want Kendall to ask Logan for money, and she could do it buy herself anyway. She is able to leave some sort of listening device or bug in Logan's room, and then sashays out of there. Hers slinky exit plays right into the idea that Logan is using Hannah only for sex, and Griffith and Logan make a deal. Logan would stop seeing Hannah, and Dr. Griffith would not testify against Logan. As for the Fitzpatricks, Griffith decided he would handle them when the times change. Logan might have saved himself, but at the end of the episode, he goes to Veronica and says, "I think I've done something horrible". Wham, bam, thank you Logan.

On the other half of the mystery is Terrence Cook. Keith tracked down Terrence's auto detailer, who said that he goes there every week, and would have notice id explosives were hidden there at anytime. Is Terrence hiding somewhere and trying to drop Keith hints that would help his case? If he is, he's not doing a very good job. When Keith visits Lamb to tell him about the new little bit of information he has that might exonerate Terrence, Lamb has some bad news. Terrence was lurking around the Dumas home and was shot by Mr. Dumas. Quite obviously, not the type of thing you want to happen when you are accused of murder.

Again, I like the way the mysteries are turning out. Logan's trial and the bus crash are pulling together a lot of story lines, and the writers have given us plenty of reason to stick with the show, even after it changes it's time slot.

What did you think of the episode? What was Terrence doing inside the Dumas house? What will become of Logan and Hannah? What will happen with PCHers and the Fitzpatricks?

Posted by at 8:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

A true Patriot

(For the sports illiterate, which I realize is probably a lot of you, some crappy small university down in Virginia just beat number 1 seed (that means they're really good) UConn to reach the Final Four in the collegiate basketball championship playoffs - which is known as March Madness.)

The former CTU director who martyred himself for America is, I assure you, still quite dead.

Posted by at 2:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (17)

...Because, really, that seems to be the overwhelming message of this show, again, some more. No, seriously – don’t take your clothes off.

What is this show, a PSA?

We open up on a rockin’ bridge game with a bunch of older people and one young girl, who I think is also in Neutrogena ads. She’s the daughter of one of the old men, who’s single and not really looking to mingle, despite the best efforts of his friends. The daughter’s not feeling well, but it’s just a misdirect – her dad suddenly has an EXTREME senior moment. When he comes out of it he doesn’t realize that any time has passed, but everyone else has seen him freeze up, so it’s off to the hospital with you, old dude!

Foreman diagnoses with old dude with a type of seizure, and he claims that acid reflux is his only chronic illness. Until he manages to get his daughter out of there, at which point he shows Foreman that his right testicle is twice as large as his left testicle. Well, that’s what Foreman tells us, anyway; we don’t get any visual proof. Thank god.

Testicular cancer is ruled out pretty quickly, but House, being dirtyminded, automatically thinks the patient has an STD, even though the test for those came back negative. The MRI shows what may be a brain problem, which also means he could have a different type of cancer.

Yeah, that was a lot of boring patient stuff. Wilson time! He’s buying chocolates, which one would think was a sweet gesture if one did not know that Wilson’s a serial cheater. House does know this about Wilson, though, and asks who the lady du jour is. This leads to a ration of shit from Wilson about normal human emotions, tokens of affection, etc., but I bet he’s been bad.

Off to the clinic, where a young guy rather forcefully requests Depo-Provera. Hmm, birth control might not be the best thing for a guy, and House assures him that his chances of getting pregnant are pretty slim, especially “at your age.” The guy insists that he needs it because he’s about one soulful “moo” away from fucking a cow. No really, a cow. House thinks the guy is just doing this as a joke, and writes him a fake prescription he can show all his friends.

Back upstairs, Foreman is telling Henry that he probably has an STD. And he’s saying this in front of Henry’s daughter, which seems like some sort of violation of privacy. Henry insists that he hasn’t had sex since his divorce a year ago. House figures Henry is lying, since money and sex are “the two things we get stupid for.” Amen, brother!

Sure enough, Henry pages the doctors as soon as his daughter leaves. Henry admits to House that he slept with his ex-wife in a moment of weakness, after a cheese party. Cheese’ll do it every time. Henry thinks sometimes being stupid pays off, but on the other hand, if you stay smart “your testicles won’t explode.” This gets a little smirk from House – aw, House actually kind of likes a patient. This may be a first! He even covers for Henry when his daughter comes in and asks how this happens. Unfortunately, Henry starts coughing blood before the conversation can get more involved.

So now Henry’s mystery disease is something that affects the testicles, heart, and lungs. Hmmm…House is off on a totally different tangent now, and suspects the cheese from the cheese party. See! Cheese will get you when you least expect it. He feeds Henry some boring American cheese that he added bacteria to, and sure enough it tastes just like Henry’s devil cheese. As House explains how Henry got sick from the bacteria, we get lots of cool CGI pictures of little bacteria men exploding. Neat!

Wilson and House take a break and play some foosball. House only wants to talk about the mounting proof that Wilson’s having an affair – he’s wearing two different socks and spending lots of time at work, which means he’s avoiding his wife. Actual life and death issues arise, however, when Henry goes into cardiac arrest. Which means that Henry’s only problem now is a bum ticker, so House tries to get him a heart transplant. For a 66-year-old? Yeah, not likely. Even House knows it’s a stretch, but he goes to the transplant committee anyway. And they vote no. So Foreman has to tell Henry he has a week to live. That’s a downer, so on to a little comic relief.

Back to the clinic where the…cow…boy is waiting to see House again. He says he was kicked while romancing Bossy Cow. But House is on to him. The boy doesn’t even have a name for his ladyfriend, much less a plan for their life together. Apparently, people who love animals do those things. So what is Cow Boy’s deal?

Cameron has been put in charge of finding out who died in the hospital today. She doesn’t seem to understand that House wants a heart that’s viable but kind of crappy, as it’s the only kind Henry’s going to get. They find a woman who’s on her deathbed from a car accident. She’s fat, so House might be able to get her heart.

House goes and finds her husband, pacing worriedly and played by Greg Grunberg, who I guess is finally branching out of the J.J. Abrams world. House put on his white coat…huh. He means business. House questions the husband about her medical history, and is interrupted by another hospital official, who tells Greg that his wife’s organs will “be treated with care and dignity.” Well. He didn’t even know she was dead. Damn, this woman should be fired.

Well, the dead woman’s organs were declared non-viable, which is great news for House (and Henry). He might be able to get her heart if no one else can have it. Now, I don’t know if you’ve noticed before, but House can get a little bullheaded about things. True to form, he goes into the ER and starts switching the woman’s machines on again, much to the displeasure of her grieving husband. Next we see them, they’re conferencing with Cuddy in her office. Greg is mostly pissed about the way House messed with his head. Understandable. He refuses to allow the transplant.

However! House has set up a little manipulative scenario involving an unwitting Amy. She’s waiting outside to thank Greg for donating his wife’s heart. I think this is supposed to be one of those “tough call” situations where House did the right thing, the wrong way. I think that’s debatable. Greg changes his mind. And knees House in the nuts for his troubles.

The doctors still have to figure out what’s wrong with the dead woman’s heart before they can do the transplant. Even though she’s dead, they’re going to give her antibiotics or whatever it needs to fix her. Well, within reason. She’ll still be dead, is the point.

A little wrap-up for the Cow Boy: his blood tests show he eats meat, not humps it, so he finally admits that his stepmom is way hot and perhaps coming on to him. He needs to kill his sex drive for three months until he moves out. So House gives him the Depo. The end. By the way, is this Warren from Buffy?

The dead woman’s body isn’t responding to the treatment. House wants to take her off life support, but Greg is having none of it – after all they put him through, his wife’s heart had damn well better save Henry. The only option at this point, per usual, is to search the woman’s home and place of business. Because she was lying about something. OK, I think this theme is a little played out. In a slight twist, Greg will be breaking and entering his own house.

Greg is hugely in denial about his wife – about her hair dye, her sleeping pills, her diet pills…so I think we can infer she lied about other stuff. And the other stuff is good – naughty pictures of her teenage students! Nice. Foreman thinks it’s irrelevant because “teenage boys are not toxins.” I beg to differ.

So does House, and he’s thinking about STDs again. And he’s right, again. The dead lady has gonorrhea. They can give her really high dosages of drugs because she’s dead, but no dose will get rid of it right away. Which is unfortunate because Henry’s in a coma and not coming out of it unless he gets a heart right away. Much to Cameron’s Puritanical shock, House decided to do the transplant immediately, gonorrhea be damned. I gotta agree – better to be alive with a few days of gonorrhea than dead, no?

House lies to Greg and tells him that his wife had a different illness – he tries to play it off, but look at him, being all sensitive…Ack, there’s the heart! Wide open chests! Ew! OK, everything’s fine now, the heart works in Henry’s body.

And it turns out Greg gave the gonorrhea to his wife, anyway. He didn’t tell the doctors because he thinks that if he made her sick, he caused her death when she fell asleep driving. Yikes. That’s awful.

And at the end of the episode? Wilson moves in with House. His wife is having an affair. And so I leave you with this beauty of an image.

Posted by Kat at 4:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

It's just about 2 AM but my (and EdHill's) entire home state is celebrating yet another victory by my alma mater's basketball team. They like to make it adventurous, that's for sure. And since my bracket was crap at this time a week ago, and since I've been enjoying a few beers, and since I have the power to gloat to thousands via TVgasm...
U!-C!-O!-N!-N! UCONN! UCONN! UCONN!

A few more March Madness observations after the jump.

It's so sad when towel boys cry. Better luck next year UW.

Which is worse: Losing before the Final Four again or having this picture on espn.com's front page?

What was up with this BC assistant's hair? Oh wait, I know where I've seen that before:

baby-dub! Right this very moment.

And finally: Duke and the entire ACC sucks. Peace.

Posted by at 10:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (21)

After several weeks of surprisingly entertaining episodes, The Real World: Key West finally served up a dud Tuesday night with thirty minutes of pure snoozefest. Sure, stuff happened -- Zach made a new friend, Svetlana bickered with her boyfriend -- but this episode felt like basic filler material in anticipation of the next big Paula freak out. This show did feature one noteworthy moment -- the ever traditional rape-confession. I had to say, it really came out of nowhere for me. I wasn't expecting it at all. The only person to throw a bigger rape-confession curveball was Ellen on Road Rules: The Quest when she explained the reason why she walked around in hot pants in Morocco was because she was raped. Seems logical to me!

Tuesday's show started with ominous rain falling on the patio. Gosh, lots of rain this season. I guess that has to do with Key West being in the path of, you know, the three hundred hurricanes that blew through this year. Anyway, we then cut to inside the mansion where we saw the bizarre, almost supernatural sight of a pool cue holding another pool cue. Amazing! Oh wait. It was just Paula playing pool.

Well, as the kids sat around and poked at balls, Svetlana complained about her worthless boyfriend Martin and how dumb he was with his friends. Did we care? Not really. But this was what was on TV, so I guess we had to watch. Or at least I had to (sigh. The obligations of a TV blogger). Jose, in his sanctioned three words of the episode, made an astounding observation: "I think that Svetlana is needy, and she loves the attention." Somebody call Dr. Phil. We've got a new behavior analyst in town!

John, meanwhile, was sensing that all was not well in the sacred union of Svetlana and Martin. "I take my cues from the girl. If everything she says about the relationship is negative, that's usually a pretty good sign that she might be looking for something else." But what if everything she says is negative AND idiotic? Then what does that mean? Probably that she's the typical co-dependent sucker on The Real World. Seriously, how is it that these girls always sneak into the Real World casts?

Anyway, Svetlana then began yapping about how Martin didn't even cry once before she left for Key West. Not once! Maybe he just doesn't like you, Svetty? Or should I say "Fitz," since that apparently is her dominant and illogical nickname. Amidst all this Martin talk, the phone suddenly rang and guess what? It was Martin!

"Speak of the devil. Yeah, we love him," Jose joked, cracking up in the process. Well, I'm glad he's amused.

While Jose continued to cackle over his little funny, Svetlana headed into the phone room and good God! What sort of chair do they have in there? It was like a discarded prop from Saw II! Come to think of it, the entire phone room was totally ghetto. It was basically a shabby little cubicle with some cloth draped in the back. Steep downgrade from last season's phone space which featured couches, a fish tank, and a security monitor (a.k.a Lacey's home entertainment center).

Well, there was more Svetlana/Martin talk, but I really couldn't stomach it any longer; so let's just move forward. In the week's lighthearted subplot, Zach -- his Jew-fro looming larger than ever -- fell for a pretty bar wench named Crystal. I shouldn't say he "fell" because he later denied any romantic impulses. So instead the producers simply slapped Crystal with the patronizing label, "Zach's new friend." Congratulations, Crystal. That was MTV's way of saying "SLUT!!"

Actually, here's a shocker. Crystal appeared to be far from a slut. Instead, she was fairly reserved, borderline uncomfortable. I don't know if we have the cameras or Zach's forward questions to thank for that. Either way, Crystal wasn't your run-of-the-mill drunkard hoping for a little notoriety in The Real World house. But she wasn't entirely interesting either. In fact, she was sort of like the personality equivalent of cardboard. And yet for whatever reason, Zach was totally entranced by Crystal and promised to call her the next day. Fascinating!

Back at the house, Svetlana announced that she likes nuts. I'm sorry, I meant Nuts, the 1980s movie with Barbara Streisand. We learned this after Tyler spearheaded a roundtable discussion on the cinematic works of Babs, which somehow led to Svetlana saying, "John wants to f*ck me. It's obvious." I hate to break it to you, Svetty, but John entered the house with a blowup doll. He wants to f*ck anything.

Later, Svetlana and Paula had a heart to heart out by the pool where they talked about boys, fathers, and boys some more. Okay, basically, they just talked about Martin. "I'm just used to guys bashing my boyfriend because they just want to sleep with me," Svetlana said. Hey, Fitz, maybe everyone bashes your boyfriend because he SUCKS.

Svetlana then continued with another sordid anecdote from her past: "A guy smacked me across the face, and he [Martin] never did anything about it." She then added, "Technically, it was so much that a guy smacked me. More like a loaf of bread fell on my face at the supermarket. But it's like the same thing!" Okay, okay, she didn't say that, but after her ridiculous exaggeration last week that she'd once started a business when in fact all she'd done was answer phones, anything goes with Svetty.

Our beleaguered Russky then described the role of a boyfriend: "A dude is just there to like keep me happy, screw me, and take me out and celebrate anniversaries." Oh, and to listen to all your nonstop yapping, which I guess would fall under the vague umbrella requirement "keep me happy." Svetlana then noted that if her dad knew that someone had slapped her, the guy would be decapitated. And I'm pretty sure she was speaking literally. I mean, I don't want to make assumptions or anything but (cough, Russian Mafia, cough cough).

By the way, what's the deal with a random dude slapping Svetlana anyway? Sure, we've all fantasized about it, but that doesn't mean we'd actually do it! What's this world coming to. I can at least take solace in knowing that back in Boston, Svetty's dad has now watched the episode and taken care of the offending guy, Mystic River style (ooh, if her dad screamed up to the heavens like Sean Penn, that would be awesome too).

Back in the other boring storyline, Zach made good on his promise and invited Crystal over to go fishing. Yay! Platonic activities with Crystal! Or as I like to call her, Crystal Meh. Well, this was all fun and wonderful for everyone -- everyone except Svetlana who suddenly realized she may no longer be the center of attention, especially once she learned that Crystal would be bringing friends. The Crystal Meh epidemic is spreading!!!

Tyler immediately accused Svetlana of being jealous of the new girls, but Svetty spurned the accusation. "I'm not jealous," she said, "I just don't like strangers in my house." Guess what? The whole point of this show is that you live with SEVEN STRANGERS. Listen to the opening credits. It's right there.

Well, Crystal and her posse soon showed up, but unlike most other recent seasons (ahem, Austin), these girls had no interest in getting wasted or hooking up. They just wanted to sit on the hammock and have bland small talk. Really bland small talk. But you know what? In a sad kind of way, even though the scene lacked any sort of excitement, it did have a very, er, real world quality about it. After so many booze-fueled seasons, we kind of forget that these kids actually can talk to each other from time to time.

Happily killing the vibes was John who told the girls, "So you guys brought bikinis, I'm hoping. Or bathing suits." That would be a resounding NO (again, another shocking development. Since when do girls go to the Real World house and not prepare for a potential hot tub?). Anyway, Crystal and her crew soon departed, and I'd like to note that there was no fishing on this visit. Fish tease.

With Crystal gone, Zach gave a full post-pseduo-fishing-trip analysis to the ever nosy Tyler. He basically said he thought she was chill and blah blah blah I'm bored.

Later, we returned to the ever-annoying saga of Svetlana and Martin as the two yelled at each other on the phone. For those of you watching The Real World for the first time, this is the way these sort of episodes begin. In act one, the hometown honey calls up, and there's a minor disagreement or conflict, but nothing really happens. Then in act two, the lovers fight and yell and say things like "Well, then maybe we shouldn't be together!" And in act three, everything comes full circle as both parties realize that maybe they were being a bit ridiculous and they love each other after all and just have to slow down a little. Well, we were only at Act Two, and as such, we were in the midst of the argument stage. Svetlana told Martin that she wouldn't hang out with his friends because they talk shit about her. This then caused a long tirade of cursing and rhetorical questions from Martin, which wasn't totally surprising, given that he does come from Boston, a.k.a. the hometown of Austin's Danny.

After the call, Svetlana babbled about her boyfriend to Tyler who suggested that maybe she try to be single for once. What are you talking about, Tyler? There's no room for that sort of logic in Svetlana's head! Last week, Tyler was annoying in his brash and condescending way he treated Svetlana. This week, Tyler was awesome for his brash and condescending way he treated Svetlana. "Your co-dependent relationship is even irritating me, and I really don't even care about your relationship," he told her, echoing all the viewers at home in the process. Svetlana offered up some lame excuses for why she had stuck around with Martin, but then Tyler leveled her again: "If he's as immature as you are, then this is going nowhere fast." Thank god for Tyler.

That night, the gang headed out to a small bar called (uh oh) The Lazy Gecko. A shiver went down my spine as I feared this joint might be a cousin to that Austin favorite, The Dizzy Rooster (the bars even had the same type of sign). Luckily, everything seemed to be safe as there appeared to be no signs of Leo or broken eye sockets in the immediate vicinity. Anyway, Svetlana promptly hopped on the bartop and began shaking her booty, revealing some super sexy backsweat in the process. This eventually led to general flirtations with John, causing Zach to comment, "Those two. I think something will happen." Another brilliant observation from the Real World braintrust.

Back at the house, the horny Svetlana wanted John to join her in the hot tub, but shockingly, he resisted. Instead, he opted to hang back and chug water. And by "chug water," I mean spill half the bottle on his shirt by accident. When Svetty asked why a strapping young lad such as him would refuse to accompany a breasty young lass such as her, John explained that he didn't want to get involved with her because she'd grow too attached. Yes, turns out that on top of all her other issues, Svetlana is a tad clingy... as in, she fell in love with Martin after only two weeks of dating. I can't even imagine the attachment issues she suffered when her school district switched bus drivers on her.

And then suddenly, out of nowhere, the Rape Confession. If you were like me, your mind had just begun to trial off when suddenly you heard the word "rape." Wha-wha-whaaa? One flick of the 10-second rewind button, and I heard it again. Here's the deal. John told Svetty that she had to fall in love with people for who they are, not who she wants to change them into. She responded incongruously that she doesn't want to talk about her past (which obviously meant that she DID want to talk about her past, especially since no one was even suggesting that they talk about her past at all). Anyway, John, like us, said that no, he didn't want to hear about her past at all, which of course prompted her to talk about, you guessed it, her past.

"Say you were still with your girlfriend. This is a complete, hypothetical situation," Svetlana said. Totally hypothetical. Gotcha. She continued, "Say she dated a guy before you, and he raped her." And with that, the "OMG! Rape Confession!" piano began playing, but it may have well been a needle scratching on a record player. I didn't know why we needed such serious music. Weren't the producers listening? This was a hypothetical situation. Duh!

Anyway, Svetlana asked John if the hypothetical rapist tried to be cool with him, what would he do? He said that he'd have nothing to do with the guy and would just walk away. You know, like most mature, law-abiding citizens. Well, Svetlana was not happy with that answer (even though it was just a hypothetical situation, right?).

"What do you expect? Should I kill the guy, or what?" John asked, clearly never having run in Russian Mafia circles. He then said that just because Martin didn't do anything to the guy that raped Svetty doesn't mean that he doesn't care. It was surprisingly thoughtful and well-articulated advice, especially coming from the man whose typical words of wisdom sounded something like "Paula, why don't you just eat already?"

Well, Svetlana heard John out, and while she may not be ready to change her ways, at least she seemed to understand what he was saying. "And I thought Paula was the biggest headcase in this house!" John joked later. Oh, wait until he finds out about Jose! That guy is craaaaazy!!!

The next morning, Svetlana spoke to Martin on the phone, and as predicted, the two lovebirds were back in "caring mode." She said that she wouldn't know what was going to happen with their relationship until she saw him again. And to that he said "Word," but in a really, really high pitched voice. It didn't make much sense, but as you can imagine, for me it was hilarious.

In the end, Svetlana rationalized everything by saying that when you have something like she and Martin have (e.g. something TERRIBLE), you have to get through the bumps and bruises. Yes, Svetlana. That's what we like to call "co-dependency." Congratulations. You are now a true member of the Real World family.

With that, the show ended. Sadly, we were not greeted by John at the Overdrive weather map (predicting a cold front of clips and behind the scenes action!). Jose greeted us instead, informing us about the online service in his typically sweet but bland way. Oh well. Maybe Meteorologist John will be back soon enough. What did you think about the episode?

Posted by at 5:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (24)

It's amazing how time flies when you are a new parent. At the risk of sounding cliché, it seems like only yesterday Prison Break and I went on nearly concurrent hiatus. The show is back and so am I, for as long as I can handle it at least. Since it's been so damn long since the first half of the season, this awesome season review/preview will catch you up with the various characters and plotlines.

"Pshaw," you say, "sg-dub ain't all that - he barely gets any comments!" My man EdHill likes to address me as, "10 comment boy," as if the number of comments is the measure of a man. Whatever, I don't see any of the other TVgasm writers getting quoted in the Sunday New York Times, now do I? You know, the PAPER OF RECORD? So what if the article is about arts and crafts and that the writer called me out for calling a crane a duck. (Which is personally kind of funny to me since I'm one of the very few people you know who took a real ornithology course in college.)

Blah, blah, blah, enough about me - an innocent man is about to be executed fer Christ's sake. All the sizzle and pop after the jump.

We were immediately transported to the cliffhanger scene where the would-be escapees were stuck in the supply room, having had their escape route up through the infirmary blocked by the world's hardest working custodian. Lincoln was trying in vain from above to pry the drainage grate off with a mop. T-Bag was threatening Michael down below with a knife. Sucre and C-Note were sweating profusely. A passing guard heard the clink of a pipe from the gang in the supply room and he was fast approaching...

My goodness, "Prison Break" doesn't give us a chance to ease back in, does it? The guard opened the supply room door and - abracadabra alla-kazaam - no one was there! Well, they were, but they had all found effective hiding spots behind the supplies. Sherlock the guard noticed the broken pipe in the middle of the floor and decided to pick it up, look at it, sniff it, taste it, and then leave it on the floor to go find his dear Watson.

Phew, that was close! But what to do now? Now that there would be more guards coming to investigate? Old man Westmoreland grabbed the rope and made his way back down into the pipe escape back into the prison cells. The others quickly followed him, but Michael wasn't going to make it down in time! Two guards now opened the supply room door and - abracadabra alla-kazaam - Michael had vanished down the hole and replaced the grate just in time! The two guards stood there and fiddled with the broken pipe piece again. I couldn't help but think back to the classic original Nintendo games where the bad guys always walked around at the same slow pace and "forgot" what they just did if you went out of frame for a second - and had no curiosity at all. So yeah, I think these two guards got their training at Castlevania College. (That's actually a good joke. I figure I have to tell you that since you very most likely didn't get it.)

Their supervisor, Bellick, was getting ready to call it a day asking his coworkers if any of them wanted to join him for a beer down at Sharky's. There were no takers, of course, because Bellick is what we call a TOTAL DICK. In both senses of the word; for he noticed the sheetrock that the boys were supposed to be reinstalling hadn't been touched all night. So he moseyed on over to the guardroom to see what the work detail was up to. Upon arrival, he noticed the door had been locked! The boys were still in the pipe making their way back from the supply room to the guardroom! If Bellick managed to get in they'd surely be busted! The lock broke, Bellick flew through the door and - abracadabra alla-kazaam - Sucre, Michael, C-Note, and T-Bag were all present and accounted for!

Bellick bought their excuse about waiting for the sheetrock to dry, but was clearly pissed and told them to get back to their cells immediately. He turned and left and... And... And remembered there should have been 5 prisoners, not 4! Oh my God! Westmoreland was too old and feeble and couldn't make it up the rope to get back into the room in time. Now, with only 5 seconds they were surely doomed! Bellick turned and opened the door and - abracadabra alla-kazaam - Westmoreland was standing there with the crew.

At this point, a whopping 10 minutes in, we had now witnessed 4 corny David Copperfield "A-ha!" moments. As much as I dig this show, they really need to ease up on that cinematic tool. It's tiresome, cheap, and easy. When you do it so often, the viewer is no longer surprised when it happens - effectively ruining a taut scene. But I digress...

The gang was understandably ripshit about the failed escape, but Sucre for one wasn't mad at Michael. Michael was appreciative but still contemplative; he still needed to save his brother's life somehow. He figured that the lovely (seriously, she's cuter now than she was back in the Fall) Dr. Sarah Tancredi was the only person who could save Lincoln. Her father, remember, is the Governor of Illinois. Michael pleaded with Tancredi to talk to her father in the hopes of stopping that night's execution. Tancredi was very hesitant, however, stating that her father hated her and her pleas would only exacerbate the situation. At his wits end, Michael made one last ditch effort that had worked for him so many times in the past - he stared his beautiful burning blue-eyed stare in to Tancredi's eyes. She couldn't say no to that. Hell, before I knew what I was doing, I was calling the Springfield, IL information line.

I don't normally watch commercials, but I did notice old "Prison Break" pal Abruzzi's Volkswagen ad was shown right after the infirmary scene I just described. It made me sad. But when he says, "V-dub" it reminds me of me and my "job" recapping here, so let's get back to it. (I like to think "V-Dub" is a cryptic nod to my "Prison Break" recaps. Don't ruin my fantasy. Did I mention I was quoted in the New York Times this past Sunday? The GRAY LADY?!)

Out in the free world, Lincoln's lawyers Veronica and Nick were still attempting to help their client out any way they could. So they tracked down Lyle, as in "Lyle's Giant Expanding Folder Liquidators." It turns out Lyle, with his absolutely massive expanding folder, is the court clerk to some judge who could possibly hear Veronica's plea in order to stay Lincoln's execution. After some initial hesitation, Lyle pulled his real-live secretary out of his gargantuan folder and had her set up the day so Veronica could be heard.

Although it was sunny downtown where Veronica, Nick, Lyle, and Lyle's folder were, it was dreary and raining at the prison just across town. There, T-Bag was going on and on about how he was going to kill Michael, blah blah blah. Sucre, finally having had enough of his crap, stood up and offered to beat the snot out of T-Bag if he didn't shut up. He shut up. Westmoreland, however, did not; he offered Michael a heartwarming tale about a guy he knew of who was strapped into the electric chair but when the switch was thrown, there was a short and he was allowed to live for three more torturous weeks. Awwww, what a wonderful story!

But aha! This gave Michael an idea. And double aha! Tweener reappeared, said something stupid, made a funny face, and ambled on his annoying way. Stupid ass Tweener.

Saint Michael of Assisi returned to his cell and immediately went into the walls again with a packet of what looked to be a Chicken of the Sea Tuna pouch. Within seconds of opening it, a rat sauntered up and Michael snatched it up by his tail. Then, with a wild look in his eyes, Michael bit the head off the rat and offered the carcass up to his Lord and Master, Satan. Well, that's what I assume happened anyway as the show whisked us off to Dr. Tancredi consoling Lincoln. Awww, isn't that sweet? Then, Michael was back in his cell without offering any explanation to Sucre - or us. Yup, he's obviously an agent of the Evil One.

What's this? Stupid ass Tweener again? Eating fast food with Bellick again? Yup... Tweener even adopted Bellick's habit of dipping his fries in his shake and then enjoying the salty/sweet taste of the greasy fried treat. I'd have been grossed out if I didn't see Paula Deen pass that off as her dairy and vegetable components of her "balanced" lunch. After dispensing with the pleasantries ("You like dippin' a fry in a shake?" "Hells yeah!"), Bellick got down to business. He wanted to know what Michael was up to.

Tweener had nothing to offer and took a bite of his burger. (Why the sound engineers have decided that these fast food scenes need to sound like Star Jones going down on Carnie Wilson is beyond me.) This, of course, pissed Bellick off so much so that he took Tweener's burger away and threatened him with extortion. Tweener suddenly remembered the half-conversation he overheard about the malfunctioning electric chair and Bellick was happy. So happy, in fact, momentarily forgot Tweener was there and dipped his schlong in the shake. Hells yeah.

So Bellick went to check out the chair itself to make sure it was working. The attendant guard had just completed testing with the electrician and it had checked out perfectly fine. "TEST IT AGAIN," Bellick bellowed. Of course the chair didn't work this 2nd time. How did Scofield do it?! A quick check of the fuse box gave us our answer: There was the rat, fried to perfection across just the exact wires necessary to short out the chair. The boner Bellick had from his shake was now assuredly gone.

Veronica and Nick were now arguing Lincoln's case in court and boy did Veronica sound nuts. "Like, this guy agent Kellerman killed a priest and then some crackhead lady and then my clients ex-wife and her husband and then I saw him shoot Agent Pussy in an alleyway and it's all a set-up and the video evidence is doctored and....” And, yeah right, lady, give it a rest. Call Fox Mulder and leave us all alone.

At Fox River prison, a technician told Bellick that rates get into the fuse boxes all the time and that what happened was "normal." So a rat (Tweener) ratted on Scofield who used a rat to cause Bellick to exclaim, "Rats." Good stuff. Bellick then told the technician just to replace the fuse and forget about the paperwork and notifying the state and all that necessary legal stuff. The electrician initially balked but then out came the fries and Shamrock Shake and that was that. Fuse... Replaced.

At this point, mere hours before Lincoln's execution, Michael was allowed last visitation rights. Lincoln had his head shaved and was given a diaper to wear. Michael was still hopeful about the appear process but - d'oh! The judge said no. Lincoln ate a giant blueberry pancake. Michael let Lincoln win at cards. They hugged. The reminisced. They hugged again. I was totally expecting Michael to look skyward, ball up his fists and yell to the heavens, "Whyyyyyyyyyyy???!!" But Veronica showed up before he could do so.

The maudlin scene continued as Lincoln called LJ and related some story about how he dreams of hammering nails in a roof with him and how they'll see each other again someday to do just that. What religion teaches that? Handy-dandy TVgasm choose your religion:

A) Go to eternal happy place with gold streets called heaven.
B) Go to eternal happy place with 72 virgins.
C) Go to state which constitutes the attainment of that which is "Eternal, Self, Bliss, and Pure".
D) There is no heaven. The concept of heaven was a false implant created 43 trillion years ago on Teegeeack. When you die your body thetan goes to a landing station on Venus where it is programmed with more evil lies by the followers of Xenu about your next life. The ugly truth is your thetan is dumped in the gulf of lower California and you are on your own. That is why you need to become an Operating Thetan III, wherein you are immortal.
E) Eternally hammer nails in a roof.

Did Michael just give Lincoln a hickey?

Hmmm, I actually may take E over D.

At the last second, Dr. Tancredi pleaded with her dad after all, making the case that Lincoln was certainly not guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. As Lincoln made his way to the death chamber, the wardens cell phone rang. Now, we often say that CTU's cellies are the best, as they never run out of batteries. But I think "Prison Break's" are even better - perfect reception in the bowels of a prison?! Amazing. And so, on the greatest cell phone in existence, the Governor told Warden Pope to carry on with the execution. The Governor then asked to speak to the doomed prisoner and said, "Hey Lincoln! Can you hear me now?" Oh, snap!

Then we saw the mysterious Vice President 30 something, the sister of the supposedly deceased, the woman who apparently is running the conspiratorial show, the bitch who controls Kellerman - we saw here with Governor Tancredi! Didn't see that one coming.

In the final scene, the Ghost of Christmas Past cum Lincoln Burroughs shuffled down the hallway to meet his doom. The brothers and Veronica all exchanged hugs and kisses and flashed each other all the expressions you'd expect. Boy, this was a sad, sad scene. (This has been a hard recap to find the funny.) Sigh (*wiping tear*). Lincoln had a quick flashback montage all centered on the George Michael song, "Faith," and how one must have it. Powerful, powerful stuff. Lincoln approached the electric chair certain to die within a few minutes. Damn.

Then FOX showed us previews for next week featuring Lincoln Burroughs running around. The previews continued to explain that your parents are really Santa and the Easter Bunny and that phone sex operators don't really like you.

Hells yeah, FOX.

Posted by at 3:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)

When it comes to celebrity sightings from strangers, we always take them with a grain of salt. That being said, we couldn't resist this great little Constantine Maroulis story that Defamer published in today's PrivacyWatch. It involves Connie, sunglasses, and one very bruised ego...

I had a great sighting of Constantine Maroulis (you know, Bo Bice’s inferior from last years American Idol) at the Cingular store on Beverly near the Beverly Center just three hours ago. As you may or may not know, that Cingular store makes you sign in when you walk through the door and wait for someone to call your name. I was in the process of waiting for my name to be called when a guy walked in that looked just like Constantine. He had the long, unwashed brown hair, was carefully unshaven and was wearing those big rocker sunglasses. Of course, that describes about half the guys in LA. He looked so much like Constantine that I figured it couldn’t possibly be him, so I ignored him. Well, he didn’t sign in. He just went and got behind someone else in line. After standing there and looking like a kick ass rocker for about 5 minutes, the Cingular Guy (who was still working with a customer) asks Rocker Guy, “Can I help you, sir?” After wiping the dumb look off his face, Rocker Guy retorts, “I’m waiting for help,” incredulous at the question. And the Cingular Guy patiently, without attitude, said, “Oh, you need to sign in at the front and we’ll call you.”

Well, Rocker Guy looked like someone told him to go f*ck himself in Chinese (you know, confused and angry at the same time). He says, “What?!” The Cingular Guy repeats himself. “Sign in at the front door and we’ll call your name.” Now Rocker Guy just looks perplexed (maybe if he took his sunglasses off inside he’d be able to see and comprehend things better). Rocker Guy: “What else did you say?” Cingular Guy: “Nothing, sir.” Now, I’m ten feet away. The guy didn’t say anything besides the above and was not being snide or snarky. Instead, he was trying to be helpful. Well, Rocker Guy loses it. He points at Cingular Guy, over the customer being helped and says, “Don’t you f*cking condescend to me! You’re the one that f*cking works at Cingular!” No exaggeration. And he says ‘condescend’ just like Brad Pitt did in True Romance with like three extra vowels and two extra n’s. It was hilarious and everyone in the store saw it. Of course, after that craziness, you expect him to storm out. But, no! He goes and signs his name and waits. I figured he would have been tossed for dropping the F-bomb alone, but no one says or does anything. I just tried not to crack up. After the outburst, though, I’m positive it’s not Constantine. No one remotely in the public eye would make that much as of an ass of himself over something so stupid. Not two minutes later, though, Rocker Guy takes off his sunglasses and reveals himself to be, yes, THE Constantine.

Posted by at 2:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

According to his blog / website, Project Runway bridesmaid and winner of the Miss Congeniality title, Santino, will be moving from his current hovel to someplace "still in LA." That’s good news for everyone not in LA. The bad news for you guys, you won’t be able to take part in the opportunity of a lifetime like us LA folk. Those living in LA will be able to buy Santino's crap, and I don't mean his new spring line, at his weekend YARD SALE.

If you miss it on Saturday, you can always make it to day two on Sunday. Hell, go both days just to soak up all the Santastic moments you can!!

While I personally have no interest in Sanstalent, I am tempted to swing by, and pick up some crap for future TVgasm giveaways. That’s right loyal TVgasm readers, if all goes well, you may one day win a Santino Hair Pick!!!!! Dare to dream.

UPDATE: Reader Double L was kind enough to post a review of the event in the commments.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 1:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

• Since the world clearly is wanting for exposure to Britney Spears's breasts, midriff, and vagina, a New York sculptor has created a "pro-life" monument to Ms. Spears's timeless act of motherhood. The life-size sculpture features Ms. Spears on all fours on a bearskin rug, ass in the air, ready to pop out some younguns. I imagine the Franklin Mint miniature is not far off. [Send2Press]
• The season finale of Grey's Anatomy will be THREE HOURS LONG: an hour in the usual timeslot on Sunday 5/14, followed by two hours on Monday 5/15. I understand that they're eager to get ad money and try out the show on a different night, but that seems like a little much. [Variety]
• Tom Cruise has continued his manic, showily affectionate, couch-hopping ways, this time at a Yahoo! corporate event in Silicon Valley. It would kinda be great if he just went away. [AP]
• And Randy Quaid is suing the Brokeback Mountain producers, claiming they characterized the film as an art-house picture that would never make any money, thus duping him into accepting minimal pay. What, the jumbo-size Eros Bodyglide and Barbra Streisand: The Television Specials DVD weren't sufficient compensation? WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT? [Defamer]

Posted by at 9:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (26)

I was never a big fan of the sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond. It's not that I didn't enjoy Ray Ramano's comedy, and whenever I caught a repeat on the air, I usually had a good laugh. What I did notice was how huge of a bitch Patricia Heaton's character became on the show. Every sitcom about a suburban everyman has to have a nagging wife that bothers him about playing golf and looking at the 20 year-old waitress at the diner, but that doesn't mean she has a right to be a harping banshee. It may not have been Patricia Heaton's fault that her character turned out that way, but I blamed her anyway, and when the show came off the air, I was happy because Patricia Heaton would leave the air with it.

Living in California, I still have to deal with Patricia Heaton in those stupid Albertson's commercials, but The Hollywood Reporter recently announced that Particia Heaton might get her own talk show to go along with a comedy pilot she has waiting for next season. This is all coming on the heels of Will and Grace star Megan Mullaly announcing her own talk show that will launch this fall. I have no clue what I did to deserve this, but I guess it is better than Live with Ryan Cabrera and Constantine Maroulis.

Posted by at 8:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (19)

Posted by at 12:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

This bitch thought she'd suffered spontaneous human combustion when her hip randomly caught on fire. Well, maybe before she went squawking to the world, she should have mentioned the raw SODIUM in her pocket! Too bad National Geographic figured out your scam, lady. BUSTED!

Posted by at 12:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

LSU: 62 Duke: 54

What can I say? I hate Duke.

Posted by at 10:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (28)

We thought it would never come. But here it is. A new Lost episode. It’s getting to the point where I am actually having to go back and reread old recaps just to remember what happened last because they keep throwing those freaking repeats at us. 12 hours a week of American Idol, no problem. Two uninterrupted episodes of Lost? Apparently that’s beyond the abilities of mankind. But what more exciting way to bring us back to the Lost world than an entire episode about Sun and Jin? Get your glasses out because its time for subtitles! But hey, I’ll take an hour of people talking Korean after listening to Claire’s whiny Australian accent last time around.

Before we get to the recap lets find out whats been going on around the net.

So you know how we all complain about how Lost airs a few episodes and then disappears for a month while they just give us repeats? And how annoying it is since Lost is an intricate plot heavy serialized show that cannot be watched as stand alone episodes like CSI or Law and Order? Well, it’s affecting their ratings. This article talks about how the show is steadily losing viewers because of its chopped up schedule, whereas 24, which has an uninterrupted season of episodes, is gaining viewers. Although I'm sure some of that has to do with Jack Bauer's supreme awesomeness. Will the networks listen? Not when they can sell that much more commercial time on repeats.

For those of you who already have a sweet TVGasm t-shirt yet still feel a void in their lives, go here to get your very own hieroglyphics t-shirt. Or you can just send me money. I accept paypal. Blogging isn't the cash cow everyone promised it would be.

The mysterious band “Geronimo Jackson” which makes another appearance in this episode has a website here. According to Lostpedia, the band was formed at the University of Michigan campus, where Gerald DeGroot and Karen DeGroot studied and where the Dharma Initiative began. But when I did a search of the website’s domain name, it turns out it’s a fan site so that information was probably all bogus.

For those interested, get a subscription to Lost: The Magazine. A new issue comes out once a month, just like the television show.

OK, onto the recappy goodness.

The show opens in a flashback. We see Jin and Sun at their apartment. Sun is looking mighty fine in a negligee as she comes out to greet Jin who is waiting for her in bed with the extra small condoms at the ready. He makes her turn around so he can check out her bodacious booty and then they both begin to start the process of bumping their uglies. Jin however puts a halt to the proceedings by asking Sun if she took her temperature. Not exactly as romantic as making her twirl like a piece of meat. It seems they have been trying to have a baby for over a year and Sun is sick of the pressure. The argument then pours over into Suns job; he has become part of Suns fathers’ Korean mafia. Kind of like the American Mafia, only shorter and Korean.

Jin then gets all whiny and says that it’s her fathers fault for what he makes him do. Sun starts crying and then Jin apologizes. The Korean mobsters are waaay to p-whipped. Tony Soprano doesn’t apologize to his wife for nothing. He just walks out, bangs his Goomah and finishes it off with a nice veal parm from Satriale’s. Fuhgettaboutit.

On the island we see Jin working in her garden planting vegetables. She hears rustling in the leaves and gets a panicked look on her face, since the last time that happened Charlie shoved a bag over her head and dragged her into the woods. It’s only Jin, and he's in rare form. He orders her to come back to the camp. When she says no he grabs her and shoves her telling her she has to come with him because he doesn’t want her taken again. Because if they take her, then who would he get to bully around the island? Shannon’s dead and Kate would probably punch him in the throat. When Sun still refuses to go back, Jin explodes and rips up her garden. “Now you have no reason to be out here.” He says. Did I mention that he has become the new “heart throb” on the show?

Next we see Ana Lucia running on the beach (Please let a polar bear be chasing her. Please let a polar bear be chasing her). Unfortunately she is just working out. As she runs up to her tent she sees Locke sitting there waiting for her and eating a banana in a decidedly non sexual way. When she asks what he wants he tells her about Gale in the hatch. He wants her to go down and talk to him, since she has experience with the others and used to be a cop. A murdering psycho cop, but a cop nonetheless. When she asks if Jack knows about it, Locke gets testy and says that he doesn’t need permission from Jack. “There’s a man in my hatch, and I want him out.” he tells her. Oh, so now its your hatch, is it Locke? I didn’t exactly see your name on it. Unless you’re name is 4 8 15 16 23 42.

On the beach Sun is walking along and not feeling very well. She goes to rest against a tree and sees Bernard and Rose fighting. They come over to see how Sun is doing. She says she thinks she must have been out in the sun to long. Sun got too much sun! Get it!?! Har har. Anyways, Rose it seems is mad at Bernard because he forgot her birthday. Bernard says he didn’t he just doesn’t know what day it is period. Women. Even on a deserted island you can’t catch a break. They try to convince her to talk to Jack but she refuses and walks off.

In the flashback we see Sun sneaking into a hotel room. When she closes the door she is greeted by Jae Lee, the man she was originally set up on a date with but he rebuffed her because he fell in love with an American girl and was moving there. He asks her if Jin knows that she is with him. She says no. He tells her that he thinks she should tell them about what they are doing. Sun then puts her jacket on the back of a chair and it falls to the ground, Jae Lee then goes to pick it up at the same time as her and we get one of those awkward moments when they are accidentally close to each other and get embarrassed. Later they both are eating from the same plate of spaghetti and accidentally start eating the opposite end of the same noodle, resulting in yet another awkward moment as their lips touch. Then Jae Lee nudges a meatball over to her with his nose. Soon we find out that she is there for English lessons, as opposed to her having an affair. Jae Lee presses her on why she hasn’t told Jin about their meetings. She basically says it’s none of his business.

Back on the island Jack is getting out of the shower and is greeted by Locke who is shaving in the mirror. He wants to talk about their “Henry problem”. He says he thinks it would be a good idea to bring in some new blood. Ana Lucia to be exact. When jack agrees and says he will talk to her, Locke says he already talked to her, and that she is in their with him now.

In the armory, Ana Lucia is asking Henry about how he got on the island. Henry at first doesn’t want to since he’s told it a million times. He asks Ana Lucia why he should tell her. Ana Lucia tells him about how she threw the guy from Ed into the hole thinking he was an Other, and she won’t make the same mistake twice.

Sun meanwhile is asking Sawyer for some help. Sun asks him about the book he is reading. He says its predictable ad there is “not nearly enough sex”. The book he is reading is Judy Blume’s Are you there God? It’s me Margaret. This makes me wonder what exactly is Sawyers definition of “not nearly enough” is, since I don’t remember even a little sex in that book. Sun asks to look through his medical supplies. He of course refuses because he’s the “sexy outcast”. He is so intrigued however, that he finally tells her that she can have what she wants as long as she tells him what it is she is looking for. She says she needs a pregnancy test.

In the hatch Jack is trying to listen in on the conversation going on inside the armory, as Locke is sitting and listening to the Geronimo Jackson album which Charlie saw in a previous episode and wondered aloud why he had never heard of them, since he knows almost every band there is (intriguing, no?).

Ana Lucia doesn’t seem to be buying Henry’s wacky balloon story, and this is even before anyone figures out that he has the same name as Dorothy’s uncle in The Wizard of Oz, in which a hot air balloon figured prominently in the plot. I mean seriously, these Others are just daring people to find them pulling this nonsense. Ana Lucia asks him to draw a map to the balloon. Henry doesn’t want to because if he draws it wrong he’ll be crucified. Ana Lucia says that if he doesn’t draw the map for her, he will be crucified. Eko is all about that stuff.

After Sawyer gets her her pregnancy test, standard issue on all Oceanic flights from what I've read, Sun goes looking for a secluded place to adminsiter it, since peeing on a plastic stick may draw attention back in the camp. She runs into Hurley, eating candy from his fatty fatty food stash. They both look suspiciously at each other and Hurley offers to split his candy bar taht he says he "found" with her but she says no. See that Hurley? Not everyone is willing to steal food from others in order to fill their fat stomachs.

In the flashback Sun and Jin are at the doctor’s office. He has bad news. They learn that she has too much endometriosis scar tissue blocking her fallopian tubes so she can’t conceive. And I learn what the words endometriosis and fallopian sound like in Korean. But the good news is he saved a bunch of money on his car insurance. Jin, being the sweetheart that he is then accuses her of knowing all about her condition before they got married. Heart throb. To this sun responds Oh yes. I was trying to trap the son of a fisherman.” Oooh, Korean SNAP! With that the big bad gangster Jin storms out like the little girl that he is. Paulie Walnuts dumps are more intimidating than Jin.

In the hatch Ana Lucia tells Jack and Locke that she needs more time with him. She wants to give him time to think so she says she will talk to him tomorrow.

Out on the beach we see Charlie and Sayid continuing to work on their mystery project. Charlie mentions something about building a dining room table when Ana Lucia comes up to Sayid wanting to talk. She shows Sayid and Charlie the map he drew for her to the balloon. When Said asks her if she showed this to Jack and Locke, Ana Lucia says “Jack and Locke are a little to busy worrying about Locke and Jack.” Sayid asks her why she is coming to him. Ana Lucia says that judging from Henry’s face he is just as interested in finding out the truth as she is. It's good that they can both bond about something.

While they are walking through the jungle Ana Lucia notices that Charlie is carrying a gun in his back pocket as opposed to being just happy to see her. She tells him that he should probably give the gun to someone that knows how to use it. Charlie takes the gun out and begins to hand it to Ana Lucia, and then does the ultimate psych by giving it to Sayid at the last second. Then Sayid jumps on top of Ana Lucia, grabs her hands and starts slapping her in the face with them saying “why are you hitting yourself? Stop hitting yourself.” Double psych!

Did I hear a bell ring?

Cuz someone just got schooled.

On the beach Sun is sitting with Kate waiting for the results of the pregnancy test. Kate makes the obvious point that the idea of having a pregnancy test on a plane is ridiculous. Yeah well, the writers needed it as a plot device so there it was. When the test is finished they both look down and whattya know, Sun is pregnant. They go to Jack to make sure and he assures her that she is definitely knocked up. THen Kate says "Look what I found!" and we see that she magically found a t-shirt that says "Bun in the oven" with an arrow pointing down. Man, it's so wierd how they keep finding just the things they need in this wreckage isn't it? Sun then tells them not to tell anyone, especially Sun. Jack advises her, because Jack is always advising people, to tell him the truth.

From there we cut to the flashback. Sun is in the hotel room with Jae Lee. She tells him about what the doctor told them. She says she was glad. Jae lee then asks her why they are there, since she has been fluent in English for months now. Sun says that she is planning on leaving Jin and moving to America. Jae Lee tells her that she can’t run away from her life. When Sun asks does that mean Jin is her life, Jae lee says “I’m not asking you to stay for Jin”. Then they just cut away to the two of them standing. So are they or are they not having sex?

In the jungle it’s night time and Ana Lucia is talking to Sayid. “People don’t like me. I’ve tried to get them too most of my life. I guess I just gave up a while back.” she says. Wow, that must’ve been one heck of a while back. Maybe next week we’ll get a flashback to her in the womb when she finally decides to give up on the whole “nice” thing. Ana Lucia finally gets around to apologizing to Sayid for, you know, shooting the love of his life, but Sayid says it wasn’t her. It was the Others, and they will pay.

The next morning they are on the move as it is starting to rain. They finally come up into a clearing. “This is it” Sayid says, but there is no balloon to be found. Ana Lucia tells them that they need to look some more. Sayid reluctantly agrees and the three of them start searching the area in detail.

On the beach Bernard is trying to catch oysters in a net. Bernard isn’t very smart. Jin says that there are no oysters to be found. Sawyer then comes up and congratulates Jin on knocking up Sun. But form Jin's perspective all we hear is backwards talk. Even though this is probably just a way of them showing how Jin can’t understand English, I bet some nerd somewhere will be posting the reversed audio files so we can here what they said within days. And of course I will be posting it in my next recap.

When next we see Jin he is in the garden fixing the plants he dug up. Sun sees him asn asks him what he is doing. “Fixing a mistake” he tells her. Awww. See, it’s kind of like when Tommy Lee gave Pamela Hep C, but they still got back together cuz he was real sorry. Now I’m not saying that Sun and Jin are as romantic as Tommy Lee, but they’re close.

“I need you” Jin says. “I hate being this way. Fighting”. Well technically Jin you guys aren’t fighting. It’s just you yelling and abusing Sun while she cowers in fear. He then says he can’t talk to anyone but her. He doesn’t understand them. And what with being on a deserted island with nothing to do he can’t possibly take time out of his day to learn even basic English. Sun then tells him that she is pregnant. Jin is ecstatic and actually decides to hug her, as opposed to punching her in the solar plexus, which is what he considers “foreplay”. But then Sun says she has something she needs to tell him.

From here we cut to the flashback. Sun is walking her dog in a park when the doctor from the fertility clinic drives up to talk to her. He says he has something he has to tell her. He just saved even more money on his car insurance. That and the fact that there's nothing wrong with her. Her fallopian tubes are fine. Its Jin that is the problem. He's firing blanks. He didn’t say anything since Jin is such a hotheaded arrogant mobster, he would have burned his practice to the ground. We also learn that parks in Korea hate trumpet players.

Back in the garden Jin is crushed at the news. He asks her why she didn’t say anything, not realizing the painfully obvious answer. Then he asks her that if he can’t have a baby, how is she pregnant? Sun swears to him that she has never been with another man. They hug and we get one of those patented shifty eyed close ups that tells me that Sun and Jae lee had sex and that’s why she’s pregnant. Or she just farted.

As they happily both rebuild her garden, Jin is thinking about what to name their baby. Jin then starts to go back to camp but Sun says that she wants to stay just a little bit longer. Jin now politely agrees and walks off. Sun then says I love you, and Jin stops. He kneels down and says in English, “I wub you”. Awww.

In the hatch jack opens the armory to talk to Henry. He asks him if he is in the mood for some breakfast. Henry than slowly walks out of the hatch and joins Locke eating some cereal. Henry seems to be fairly normal because he first asks what the computer is for, how they got cereal, etc. “I’d be asking all kinds of questions about all this stuff down here. But you guys aren’t even curious.” THANK YOU. My #1 pet peeve about this show and we had to have a filthy Other be the one to voice it.

Then Henry mentions the map he drew Ana Lucia. Jack and Locke are surprised sicne they didn't know anything about it. Finally Henry ends the show on an ominous note, virtually guaranteeing his status as an Other in my eyes.

“Of course if I was one of them. These people that you seem to think are your enemies. What would I do? Well, there’d be no balloon. So I’d draw a map to a real secluded place. Like a cave or some underbrush. A good place for a trap. Ambush.

“And when your friends got there, a bunch of my people would be waiting for them. Then they’d use them to trade for me. I guess it’s a good thing I’m not one of them huh?

“You guys got any milk?”

The face of evil. Very easily bruised evil.

Of course this whole speech is kind of moot when we see the previews for next week showing a huge balloon. But still, I can’t imagine the others would concoct such a crazy story about a huge balloon without having one to plant as evidence. Right?

Posted by EdHIll at 4:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (59)

Many people have been lamenting this year as the ugliest in the history of America's Next Top Model, but I have to disagree. For me, it is playing out like many previous seasons. The judges think they saw something in somebody, but after the makeover, sometimes girl's unique look may end less fierce and more fugly (thanks Lluvy). ANTM was not created because there is a lack of models in the world, and so I tend not to worry that I may never see the winners of this competition modeling again after CoverGirl stops forcing them upon us. And now that I am done with the lecture, we can get back to the show. Each week is another chance for these girls to step up and prove that they have what it takes to be a diva. At least one girl wanted to prove that she had more game than the rest.

Some people are going to call me a wimp and a sellout because this week, I really started to like Jade. At first, I thought I couldn't stand her, but I really liked Lisa so much last year, so why can't I like Jade? Like Lisa she is older than most of the other girls, and like Lisa, she thinks that she has all of the moves to be a model, and like Lisa, she tries to find weaker opponents and point out their flaws in order to make herself feel good. One difference, of course was that Lisa could really work it. Lisa might have had an easier time with her makeover than Jade, but in the end, it comes down to the pictures.

Sure her hair was bad, and it seemed like Jade was finding a way to cover it with any spare piece of fabric available, but it's not like Rosie O’Donnell when she got that hella-dyke haircut so long ago. Jade has plenty of other good parts to work with, and it looked like she was starting to realize that. Jade said that she was not only going to step up the game, but step up the GIZ-ame, which is like ten times cooler than stepping up just the plain old game. Try it sometime for yourself. Walk into Starbucks and ask for a VIZ-enti HIZ-alf SIZ-oy latté. It's, like, wild and stuff. After you get your coffee, they usually hand you a Mac-10.

Being in the bottom two seemed to actually humble Jade a little bit, and she didn't even have it in her to bother Gina, not that Gina would care because she has found a new friend in Danielle. At first you may think that this is a strange pairing. Danielle, who is as country as ham hocks and collard greens, pairing up with Gina, who is as suburban as a white kid with an Eminem ringtone? Seems so crazy, but they both bonded because they seemed to be the only ones who wanted to do any cleaning, or perhaps because Danielle was the only person who didn't run away when Gina opened her mouth. I think Danielle feels sorry for Gina more than anything else. She sees that people are taking advantage of her and since Gina was so sheltered, she has a tough time dealing with conflict and adversity, something Danielle has no problem dealing with.

As much as Danielle wanted to be Gina's friend, she does have her limits. When they were done cleaning up the kitchen, Danielle said that she was going to take a shower, and Gina wanted to watch. I am not sure if she is in love with Danielle, or just wanted to know whether the carpet matched the curtains, but Danielle wasn't really down for any of that. Unfortunately for Danielle, as soon as she was nice to Gina, she would go wherever Danielle went like she had just been rescued from a burning building.

After you're done with the counter, will you do my back?

Now that the competition has picked up a little, it is time for the next part in our hopefuls' evolution to becoming a model. It's time to for them to learn how to walk the runway, and whenever it is time for a runway lesson, you can be sure that J. Alexander is not far behind. I always liked J. Alexander, but he is much better in small doses. He seems like he is trying too hard on the judging panel, but when it comes to the stomp, Miss J is the man to call. You know how like if the government has a position that is not quit cabinet level but still is a priority, they call that person a czar? Miss J. could be runway czar, or czar of catwalk, if you want to get all Marv Alberts and Mike Fratello.

I do love the time to critique the walk, but let's face it, the only reason that we care is because we would like to see somebody fall. I'm not talking about a little trip, or a bit of a goof, we want to see somebody tumble, especially if it is somebody that we don't like. That's why I loved the photo shoot where the girls were on roller skates from a couple of years back. As they practiced for Miss J, I think the girls actually walked OK. I think the person with the worst walk is Leslie. Some girls may not have a signature style, but Leslie's was the only one that was actually unattractive to watch. Even if she was naked, I would probably look away, because things weren't hanging they way they should.

Kari was the only person who messed up. OK, maybe I have never walked in high heels but if you were going to be on a show judging to be a model, you would find it a good idea to get comfortable in heels. Like Miss J said, if you can't slinky slink, you will probably stinky stink. To step up the difficulty a little bit, the girls were asked to do the same thing in dresses that they picked out for themselves. Once again, Kari messed up, but she was not alone. Danielle slipped, and I thought she was actually going to fall over.

That was close.

Miss J. promised that the girls were going to be judged on their walks, and they found out the next day what it was going to be. The girls got a note that had only two words: Gromphadorina Portentosa. Without an ability to consult Google or the Wikipedia, the girls had no clue what it could be. Somebody said that it was Spain, and the girls started to get really excited that they were all going to get a chance to get out of Los Angeles, and then came back to their senses. The word might be Spanish, but that doesn't mean they are going to Spain. Still, what could it mean? Apparently Leslie didn't know enough Spanish to translate, or had never heard of the word, but Jade brought a translator with her, you know, one of those things that looks like a little calculator, but can actually translate English and Spanish and French? I didn't even know they made those things anymore. Shit Jade, I know you aren't a highly paid model, but might you try perhaps a Palm Pilot next time? Or maybe, I don't know, a brain?

When they got to matchbox studios, they met Jared Gold. Right away you knew this was going to be an interesting photo shoot. He looked like their had been a casting call for a Trainspotting sequel, and Anthony Soprano decided to try out. He's a famous designer who said he is going for sort of a psychedelic babushka look. I already thought this guy was really going to suck, and then I got to take a look at his fashion advisors, last seen advising Darryl Hannah for her role in Blade Runner and later Milo Javovich in The Fifth Element. These folks were so crazy, even Mischa Barton wouldn't be caught dead hanging around them.

As the girls got dressed, psychedelic babushka sort of turned into vintage slut, or as Kari said, "a hooker from back in old hooker times". But unchaste Victorian wear is not off the wall enough for Jared Gold, so he decides to turn it up a notch. The competition is all about handling adversity, so why not see how they deal with Madagascar hissing cockroaches or as they are more properly known, Gromphadorina Portentosa. Yes, that's right. Cockroaches. Giant. Hissing. Cockroaches. I can deal with spiders, but I can's stand roaches, so this was particularly difficult for me. You can only imagine how difficult it was for the girls.

I couldn't really say that there was anybody who wanted to have cockroaches on them, but nobody was freaking out like Gina. I thought she was going to cry or pass out. To tell you the truth, these roaches are apparently "docile" which I guess means that they won't chew your flesh despite being bigger than some bats, and they were not there just for the hell of it. They were an actual accessory, and these accessories were accessorized themselves, as it looked like somebody had spent days and nights with a bedazzler getting a bunch of sequins on these things.

Earlier in the episode, Miss J. wondered if they had broken Jade's spirit. This caused Jade to tell us that she was in her shell, but needed to break out, complete with overly dramatic hand gestures. Whatever Jade did to get out of her shell, it looked like it worked, because Jade really worked the runway. I guess when she isn't focusing on her hair and complaining about how it sucks, she does have some skills. If modeling is about making the best out of your situation, Jade was up to the task, going so far as to kiss her little cockroach accessory. Gina was her drama queen self, needing to be pushed onto the runway and admitted she felt like she was going to throw up, but Jade kissed a roach! And without having to use a paper clip or pair of tweezers. What can you say about that? Nobody was even close.

You have to admit, Jade was fierce

For her win, Jade got to pick four friends to go to a runway show during Mercedes Benz fashion week. Oooh, and they were getting VIP treatment! I really don't care about watching professional models, but I guess you have to find some room for some product placement every now and then. Besides, the only thing Jade needed she got from her father last night. No, Jade's dad hasn't been hanging around Donald Trump and thought it would be fun to hook up with his daughter. He basically reassured her that she is just fine the way she is, and to him, she has already won. Awwww. That's so sweet and brought Jade to tears, although let's be honest, she really isn't fine the way she is unless you have a thing for arrogant bitches.

With the challenge out of the way, the girls had to go to their photo shoot. Since they were learning about falling down, why not take pictures where they are supposed to be falling down? And to add a little of that Top Model flair, the girls would be dressed up as modern interpretations of Fairy Tales. Furonda was Rapunzel, Leslie was the Big Bad Wolf, Jade - Red Riding Hood, Mollie Sue - Little Boy Blue, Danielle - Snow White, Gina - Sleeping Beauty, Brooke - Emperor's New Clothes, Kari - Goldilocks, Nnenna - Princess and the Frog, Joanie - Cinderella, and Sara - Gretel.

Brimming with confidence from the roach walk, Jade decided that was in the perfect frame of mind for this shoot, and she was able to go first, and set the bar pretty high for the rest of the contestants. And when you have to fall for a photo shoot, you never want the bar to be high, or something. hmm, should have used the high joke with the roaches, I guess. The photo shoot was interesting. When their bodies are in they are and they don't know how to land, it makes it difficult to be aware of the camera, keeping your chin, down, having a smile, etc. I am also reminded to that shoot a couple of seasons ago when they were jumping on the trampoline, back when Tyra cared more about couture than theming every single shoot. If there was anything this photo shoot needed more of, it was the producers asking the girls about the meaning of their fairy tales. Like when Furonda was asked about why Rapunzel grew her hair, she said "To get a man." That's what we like about girls from Stuttgart, GA, they’re very direct and to the point.

As you might have guessed, this was an awful photo shoot for Gina. Jade went first and did well, which is bad enough, because it means Jade was going to be yapping in her ear about it all day, but Gina was forced to go near the end, meaning that she would be obsessing about what she had to do. Like Jade has proven, if you aren't self-conscious and are instead just confident, you'll take great pictures. One surprise for me this episode was that Nnenna had to work a little bit to get through. That's not to say I think she did badly, but it didn't come easy, which is good, because if she just kept on winning, the show would be boring. I also had a feeling that Joanie would do well at this because she is from Beaver Falls, PA.

Get it? Beaver Falls?

I thought it was an interesting shoot, but not a lot of great pictures. I usually judge on the faces in the closeups, and this week only two really stood out: Danielle and Jade. I though Nnenna was good, and Sara and Joanie were almost there, but just not like the other two. Feel free to disagree with me though.

When it came time for panel, the girls learned that their runway work was not close to being over. As one last challenge, Tyra told them about Vivian Westwood, who is famous for runway shows, which often feature some of the more ridiculous heels you have ever seen. The looked like Disco Stu decided he was going to take on Manolo Blahnik. The girls were going to have to walk with them in front of the judges, and you just know that the judges wanted to see somebody fall. In fact Tyra mentioned a very famous supermodel that fell at a Vivienne Westwood show. I want to say that it was Naomi Campbell, but the picture was, uh, too dark for me to tell.

As I said before, I love watching people fall, so I thought I would really enjoy this segment. Unfortunately, it turned into one of the most painful things to watch on television. These girls were strapped in, and if they slipped in their shoes, they would basically be turning on their ankles. Some people were able to get through it OK. Sara, who must have been like seven feet tall in those things had no problem, and neither did Joanie, but she was a stripper and they were shoes like that a lot. Almost everybody else had trouble, including Danielle.

Watching Danielle walk in those shoes really hurt. She kept on slipping, and towards the end almost completely bit it. Like I said before, you kind of just rest on your ankles. How she still has any tendons inside her foot is beyond me. I sprained my ankle badly in one basketball game in my sophomore year of high school. I taped my ankle up just as a precaution the next two years. I felt like finding some ace bandage and a bucket of ice just watching this portion of the show. Having to get these screencaps is just killing me as well. You know Danielle would never complain about pain, having seen what her mom was going through, but she fell so many times, they actually had to have the medical staff look at her, and when the girls came back for the challenge Danielle was on crutches.

Not for the faint of heart

When it finally came around to judging, the panel had high praise for Jade, who they said was in control the whole time, and yet managed to be both strong and soft. She wasn't great in the big heels, but after winning the roach challenge, she was clearly feeling good about herself. The other person who drew a lot of praise was Danielle. She might have been awful when it came to the walking, but she was performing. When she got up after nearly breaking her ankle, she had a smile on her face in front of the judges. That sort of attitude really impressed the judges, but of course Danielle is going to be happy when she gets up, as long as she doesn't chip another tooth. Combined with her strong picture, she wasn't going to go home. I thought Nigel was going to spooge himself when he saw Danielle's picture, saying that "falling is her specialty".

The rest of the criticisms were things we heard before. Nnenna and Mollie Sue need to show a little personality, and Sara had to be a little more aware of what was going around her. I still don't see what they see in Brooke. Nigel says she has that thing that is wrong that makes her right, but we've seen that with other girls on the show, and the camera doesn't seem to be loving Brooke as much as some of the others. But she is one of Nigel's favorites, as is Leslie, who he called the hottest wolf he has seen in his life. I'm going to guess he hasn't seen Scott Speedman in Underworld, or he wouldn't be making such rash judgments. And while I am on the topic of Nigel's favorites, I think he likes our stripper Joanie was well.

As the names were read off, it came down to a decision between Gina and Kari. Obvs, I usually dig what Tyra is wearing, but this time I have to say something, like WTF? This was worse than when we saw her wearing the same thing as Kennedy. The only thing I could think of was that she let those gay cowboys she had on her show dress her. Tyra in leather should be a beautiful thing, so I hope she makes up for it somehow.

Anyway, it came down to Kari and Gina like I said. I never thought Kari's pictures were that good, but she had those lips that the judges love that kept her in it for the first couple of weeks. This time, however, we started to hear things from the judges saying that she needs to tone up a little bit, which in the modeling world means starve yourself so you can barely walk. Tyra tried to make is sound like losing weight was all about seeing the bone structure of your face, but we know it's all about seeing the bone structure of your hips. Clearly she is not overweight by most standards but when you have to stand next to Furonda and Mollie Sue, who are like double zeroes when they're bloated, you do start to look a little chubbs.

There was no wondering about why Gina was there. A top model requires confidence, which Gina is lacking, and even if you don't have confidence, you have to fake it, especially when it comes to designers. Even if you are a super model, you are still trying to sell a look. When Gina couldn't go on because of the cockroaches, I knew that she was going to be done. I was ready for Tyra to give the little speech about how Eva was scared of spiders, but was fine with the tarantulas, and how Nicole was scared of pooping birds, but managed to win after the pigeons.

But that's not what happened.

I have not been a fan of Kari's, but I guess they really saw something in Gina that Kari didn't have (shoulder blades, one chin)and decided to go with potential and eliminate Kari. After her name was called, I don't think Gina could believe it, so maybe knowing that the judges see something in her will help her confidence. That is not to say that Gina is long fo