Like OMG! LC totally like moved to West Hollywood and was like "Hey Heidi!" and Heidi was like "Meet my new bestie Audrina!" and then LC was like "I want to be an intern for Teen Vogue" and Teen Vogue was all "Just don't sit down at the party!" and LC was like "For real?" and Heidi was all, "Nuh-uh" and LC was like "Guys! You'll get me in trouble!" Whatevs!

Yes, The Hills has officially arrived. Serving as the first spin-off of Laguna Beach, the show premiered on MTV tonight, and while there's none of that high school je ne sais quoi, I still found myself regrettably enthralled by the silly antics of Lauren Conrad and her fledgling career. Plus, who can deny the gleeful idiocy of LC's new sidekick, Heidi? The girl makes Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson seem like future candidates for the Nobel Prize. Ah yes. It shall be a delightful summer.

The big show opened up with LC packing up her bags and heading out of The 'Guna. My Tivo unfortunately cut off all but the last few seconds of this, but I imagine I didn't miss much beyond some lame narration about moving to Los Angeles. As she drove off in her car, I could almost hear the Natasha Beddingfield playing in my ears. Oh wait, I really was hearing it. Yes, the credits soon rolled and were set to that life-empowering ditty, "Unwritten." You know, the song that encourages us to feel the rain on our skin. I never knew that sensory awareness of precipitation was such an integral key to self-empowerment, but hey, what do I know?

Anyway, the credits offered up some tasty clues as to who this season's main players would be. There was Lauren, of course. No longer "LC," but we'll still call her that. We then saw... Audrina, or as I like to call her, "Girl with the dumb name." And there was Morgan S.! I didn't know she was on this show! Oh wait, it was just a girl named Whitney. Rounding out the cast was the aforementioned Heidi, and that was it. Just four girls! No boys or other random people. I find this very suspect. Maybe the producers are trying to emulate a Sex in the City core. Except dumber.

Well, this premiere episode had the very Laguna-esque title, "New City, New Drama." What great adventures would await? Might LC chip a nail? Would Heidi become baffled by a parking meter? Or would the girls find themselves at a Fro-Yo shop without their punch card??? The possibilities were endless!

Anyway, we saw various footage of LC's new neighborhood, and yes, I was quite happy to note that apparently this show was filmed five blocks away from my apartment. How the hell did I miss this?? I was so busy eating crickets and playing Dance Dance Revolution that I completely overlooked the Laguna alums in my 'hood. Note to self: stalk LC later tonight.

Nevertheless, we found LC sauntering into her new abode at the Hillside Villas, and guess who was tanning by the pool? The one and only Heidi. Some people may not remember Heidi, but she showed up from time to time on Laguna, usually to offer sidekick-y advice to LC and ask banal, plot-advancing questions like "So, what's up with you and Steven? Are you going to have dinner together?"

Anyway, Heidi was more than thrilled to see LC (a.k.a. her ticket to fame). "I was so lonely!" Heidi squealed. Translation: "I can't wait to be your high profile sidekick! What shall we do first, Master?"

Apparently Heidi had been at the apartment for some time but hadn't actually moved in. She wanted to do it with LC -- sort of like a bonding thing. Read all about it and other bonding techniques in the book, "Bonding for IDIOTS." Nevertheless, the girls walked into their apartment, and I instantly hated them. They had a freakin' duplex. Okay, I'm not going to whine. It's great that their parents have worked hard so that they can provide for their kids, but seriously, a duplex? Excuse me while I writhe with jealousy in the corner for a moment.

Before LC could even absorb the magnitude of her new digs, her cell phone rang, and yes, that ringtone was Journey's "Anyway You Want It." Delightful. LC answered the call, and while we couldn't hear the conversation on the other end, we could tell by LC's dilating pupils that something major was happening. Turns out that, like OMG, Teen Vogue had an event that night and the interview LC was going to have that afternoon was now in like twenty minutes!! OMG!!! This wasn't set up at all!!

Oh, I forgot to mention that LC was interviewing for a Teen Vogue internship. Hmmm... Wonder if she'll get it?

Well, with the pressure on to get to the Teen Vogue offices, what else was there to do but cue the Rihanna and watch LC hustle into a tall office building on Wilshire Avenue. Oh the hectic life of a young ingenue in the city!

We then met LC's future boss, the editor of Teen Vogue, Lisa Love. Yes, that was her name. She wasn't as scary and disturbing looking as 8th and Ocean's Irene Marie, but she still managed to be a bit off-putting. Whereas Irene was like a collagen version of Janice from The Muppet Show, Lisa Love had more of a wrinkly, WASPy appearance. Kind of like a long lost Shriver.

Anyway, Lisa pressed LC with tough questions. "Why Teen Vogue?" she asked. I kind of expected LC to just say, "Uh, I have an MTV camera crew. That's why." But instead, LC went the earnest route and said, "I've read Vogue for years, and I love Teen Vogue because that's where I get ideas for everything I do. And I like that it does have all the fashion, and like in every one they have like an issue that affects teens." Ah, well-stated, LC. It's that sort of precise articulation that will make you the belle of the literary world.

Lisa then asked, "Can you write?" To which LC, of course, said yes. Then in a neat ironic twist, Lisa followed up by asking, "Good?" Nice grammar, EDITOR. You're supposed to ask if people write well, not good. I'm onto you, Lisa Love.

Anyway, LC replied, "I enjoy writing." Unfortunately for LC, I'm not sure if she realized that "writing" did not include emails, texting, and IMs.

After this rigorous interrogation, LC returned to the apartment complex where she found Heidi tanning yet again, but this time, there was a giant slab of beef jerky wearing a bikini next to her. Oh wait. That was actually another girl. "This is my first new friend in LA!" Heidi proudly announced, introducing LC to this tantastic mystery girl. Turns out this was the one and only Audrina, and from what we could tell, she was just as vapid as her name would suggest. "What intern did you apply for?" she asked LC. InternSHIP. InternSHIP. Sigh.

Anyway, for whatever reason, Heidi loved Audrina and said, "You're adopted!" Countdown to catfights and general bitching: three weeks.

Later, LC and Heidi and Audrina and various guys (boyfriends, roommates of boyfriends, etc.) all met up at the always wonderful restaurant Geisha House (the very same establishment where Mischa Barton was Punk'd. Oh how she'll rue the day that she ever went there!). There, the gang talked about how craaaazy it was to have a full time job and blah blah blah, we went to commercial wondering whether or not LC would get the internship. What ever might happen?

After the break, we found LC and Heidi visiting FIDM, or as the non-acronym-ites call it, the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising. Apparently the girls were enrolling for classes there, or something like that. As they waited in some sort of lobby, Heidi mused, "I can't wait to start going out more." Yeah, she needs an outlet from her stressful day of tanning and adopting fellow dolts to join her coven of idiocy.

Anyway, an incredibly tall woman named Susan Aronson soon greeted both girls and said she would interview each of them at a time. I don't know how to describe Susan. I guess if Kathy Baker and Karen Hayes from 24 had a love child, it would be Susan Aronson. Well, first up for the interviews was LC, and of course, Susan fawned over her. Let's not forget that LC had two seasons of MTV stardom under her belt at this point.

"We are very proud of you," Susan said. I don't really know why she was proud, but she just was. She did mention something about a grade point average, but whatever. She was just kissing ass, as evidenced by her telling LC that she was so lucky to be in contention for an internship at Teen Vogue. When it came to Heidi, however, it was a different story. Susan asked her how she was as a student in high school, and Heidi gave possibly one of the worst responses short of saying, "I murdered everyone I knew."

"I never learned anything. I never went to school. I never did anything. I just went shopping and just hung out," Heidi said. She then added, "Did I mention that I'm a total and complete MORON?"

Keep in mind that this was an admissions interview.

"Have you looked at the curriculum?" Susan then asked.

"No," Heidi answered proudly, as if that would earn her some medal. When asked about her goals, Heidi then said, "I want to do PR... I want to be the fun party PR girl in LA type of thing... kind of like the party scene." I can only imagine the sort of shame her parents feel. Actually, what's sad is that they probably don't feel shame. They're just happy their daughter is on TV. I'm embarrassed for humanity right now.

Well, Susan explained in a slow, deliberate way (kind of how you talk to first graders) that it usually takes someone being in the industry a long time before they can organize parties at a professional level.

"Really? It's not like right away?" Heidi asked. Yes, Heidi. Sometimes you actually have to work towards things. Like, you know, any basic career. Susan asked Heidi if she'd be willing to work retail, but NO. Fräulein Heidi works for NO ONE! Retail was out of the question!

"Am I seriously talking to this girl?"

"I'm daft!"

Afterwards, we found the girls chilling at their apartment, no doubt plotting Heidi's next big career move (which was most likely a difficult choice between tanning poolside or eating a carrot stick). Suddenly LC's phone rang, and uh oh! It was Chantal! I didn't know who Chantal was, but I could tell it was important. Apparently, Chantal was calling from Teen Vogue, and guess what? She was getting BLAINE on the line! BLAINE! Wait, who was Blaine?

Turns out Blaine was another Teen Vogue person, and he was calling to give LC "feedback" on her interview with Lisa Love. "There are not a lot of interns that we find that are ready at the age of nineteen," he said, adding, "But you have a TV show and will give us tons of free publicity; so, you're hired!" Okay, he didn't say that. However, he did babble on about how their interns had to be great writers and have lots of experience, and while LC probably didn't fit the bill at all, Lisa saw lots of potential (cough, publicity, cough) and you're hired. "We think it might be a good match," Blaine said, a look of disgust on his face. You could just tell he was thinking, "I worked my way up for ten years and this damn girls just waltzes in..."

Well, LC accepted the job right there on the spot, and no one was happier than Heidi. This raised her sidekick prominence to a whole new level! We then followed LC to the Teen Vogue offices where we met another intern, the aforementioned Whitney. Might she be a rival for LC? Or perhaps a competing sidekick for Heidi? Either way, the two girls took seats in their cramped, cluttered office (which may or may not have been located in Anna Wintour's walk-in closet). Whitney began yammering away right off the bat, and LC did her patented Distant Smile of Complexity. Disaster soon struck, however, when one of LC's errant fingers pressed the on-button of a nearby Mac, causing the machine to chime to life. OH NO! The girls panicked for about two seconds, but soon they had bigger fish to fry: namely, an androgynous woman named Olivia, who was apparently the magazine's resident stylist. Within seconds, Olivia was assessing the girls' fashion, making adjustments and saying dumb things like "I feel like it's a bit too matchy-matchy."

Perky!

Once the girls were deemed Vogue-ready, they were then brought into Lisa Love's office where they learned all the ground rules. Basically, they were to act professionally no matter where they were -- in or out of the office. They represented the company, and if they were to get into any trouble, their ass would be grass. Well, not LC. She had a camera crew. But Whitney. You watch your back!

Later, the girls were given their first big job: send out 500 invitations for a party. Gosh, haven't the people at Vogue heard of Evite? Nevertheless, the girls began the arduous process of assembling these invites, pausing to occasionally gawk at the celebrities on the list. Josh Duhamel! Gavin DeGraw! I'm sure LC will be thrilled when she sees Stephen Colletti and Kristin Cavallari on the list too. "Hey, wait a second. I went to high school with those guys..."

The next day, we found Heidi and LC lounging by the pool again, and here's a shocker: Heidi wanted LC to get her into that Teen Vogue party. The same one that Josh Duhamel and Gavin DeGraw would be at. Not so fast, Heidster. In case you weren't paying attention, this was your friend's first week at the job. "I'm not going to like mess up my internship and do something shady just like to go to a party," LC told her.

"Yeah..." Heidi replied, all broken-hearted. Ah, nothing as sad as a sidekick's dreams of grandeur going up in smoke.

Back at the office later, we found LC and Whitney giggling about something until suddenly, there were a series of "SHHHHH!" noises. Yes, LISA LOVE HAD ENTERED THE ROOM. I love how intimidating she's supposed to be. I really can't take her seriously though with that name. I mean, "Lisa Love"? Doesn't she know that any fashion editor can't have alliteration in her name? She needs to change it to something French-sounding. Whatever she chooses, she has to make sure she no longer sounds like a) a country star; b) a porn star; or c) Lisa Loeb. I throw it out to the readers to suggest their favorite alternate last names for Lisa Love. I'll get the ball rolling with "Bontemps."

Anyway, Lisa alerted LC and wh-wh-wh-Whitney that they would be working the party tonight (like OMG!) BUT this was not a time to have fun and hang out. They'd be doing their jobs, and if any of them even THOUGHT about sitting down, they'd be outta there. That's right. NO SITTING. Sounds simple enough...

Cut to the party at the Roosevelt Hotel, and all the glitteratti were there! Nicole Ritchie! Some guy! Paris Hilton! Wow! How exciting! Turns out that Whitney would be working the door/red carpet while LC would be guarding the VIP area. "No one can sit here," Blaine told LC, pointing at a nearby seating area. That's right, GUARD THESE OTTOMANS WITH YOUR LIFE!!

Almost on cue, rebellious sidekick Heidi suddenly called up, and hey, by the way, she was downstairs! "What are you doing here, Heidi?" LC asked. DUH! She was there to potentially jeopardize your high profile job so that she could partaaay!!!

"Just sneak us in," Heidi insisted. How about you just get shot in the head? Go away, shrew!

I was really hoping that LC would be firm with her friend and tell her to head elsewhere, but alas, LC finally told her sidekick to speak to Whitney at the front door. A few phone calls later, and Whitney surreptitiously let Heidi and her gaggle of friends (including Audrina) into the party. You can't tell me that the Vogue execs didn't expect this.

Well, what was the first thing that Heidi did? No, not quietly blend to keep her friend out of trouble. Instead, she ran across the party and squealed a loud hello to LC (which was of course topped off with a grandiose hug). Oh, I'm sure Lisa Love will enjoy that. To make matters worse, the HeidiGaggle then happily sat down in LC's VIP area. WHAT?!?! Get them out of there! I don't know why I was so concerned for LC, but I just was. But wait: it got worse. Then LC sat down with her friends. What was the one thing that Lisa Love emphasized? NO SITTING AND HANGING OUT! This was going to be pure disaster.

Suddenly, there was some random Heidi drama with one of the guys (I really didn't know what it was, nor did I care enough to go back and find out). All I knew was that Heidi was now drunk and screaming. From across the party, we could tell that Blaine was not happy. He soon came over and asked what all the drama was about.

"Oh, it was just, they were fighting, but you can see it's all better. They were just fighting over something. But now they're fine," LC said, pointing to Heidi who was not only crying, but crying in the prohibited VIP area. Yeah, no drama here!

Drama? What drama?

Blaine then wandered away, and LC implored her friends to stop with the drama, but it was too late. They'd been spotted by the Love-inator. Lisa soon appeared over the gang and politely told LC, "Nobody should be sitting here yet, okay? We'll talk about it on Monday." BUUSSSTED!!! It was such a succinct, almost pleasant remark, but we knew that in the world of Vogue, that meant "Your ass is mine, you stupid little bitch."

After Lisa left, Audrina piped up and asked, "Was that who you work for?" No. It was the cocktail waitress. OF COURSE IT WAS, YOU IDIOT. Audrina then followed up with, "Why'd she get all mad?" Like totally? What was up with her? Just because she's the boss and told LC not to let people sit on the couches, that was like way uncool of her to be all mad like that. Whatevs, granny!

Eventually, the HeidiGaggle deemed the party "over" and waltzed out, leaving LC alone with her headset and a look of total intractable guilt on her face. And to think, the VIPs never even came. All this drama over nothing. Just to prove the point, we then saw flowers floating aimlessly in the pool. LIKE LIFE!!!

And so ended the first eventful episode. What did you think? It's no Laguna, but is it the new guilty pleasure?

Posted by at 7:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (53)

What can I say. After this weeks amazing Lost two hour finale I can honestly say I am speechless. Good thing for me that I'm writing this recap instead of live blogging it the way the cool kids are these days, cuz It would just be an image of me with my mouth agape, sitting in my satin TV watchin' robe with my beloved cats Suri and Shiloh on my lap. The show just rocked. Purely and simply. It had everything. Fantastic revelations, huge cliffhangers, and a big four-toed statue. But I am getting ahead of myself.

It was a rousing sendoff to a great year. So much was revealed and so many new questions raised that it will make these five months between seasons last that much longer. And to all you American Idol fans who chose to watch Clay Aiken's new hairstyle instead of what had to be the best two hours of television in years, all I can say is you can McSuck it.

The show starts as they always do, the moment after the last episode's cliffhanger moment. There's a boat right offshore. Now that Ana Lucia and Libby's two-minute funeral is over, everyone rushes to the beach, excited at the prospect of being saved. The holy hunky trinity of Sawyer, Jack and Sayid all take their shirts off and start swimming out to it. When they get on board they can hear some inside. As they approach the cabin hatch they see it's locked. Too bad Locke isn't there; the man specializes in opening hatches of all shapes and sizes. Then whoever is inside starts shooting at them, ripping holes in the cabin door. Jack pulls out his gun, and working together they open the hatch. It's Desmond, the former button-pusher, piss drunk on Dharma vodka (it's like Popov vodka, only not as good).

That night in camp, things are buzzing. At the huge outdoor dinner pavilion (where exactly did this thing come from?) everyone can't stop talking about the boat. Yet another testament to the enduring memory of Ana Lucia and Libby. Jack is alone with Desmond, who is still drunk. "Why did you come back?" Jack asks him. Desmond starts laughing. He didn't come back. He's been sailing for two weeks. He should be in Fiji right now, but instead he found himself back at the island. "There is no outside world! We are stuck in the snow globe brotha." Well if that's true they better start picking the mates soon. No one wants to get the short end of the stick and be forced to have kids with the ugly people. As Jack gets up to leave, Desmond asks him one last question. "You still pushing it?" "Yeah, were still pushing it." Jack says and walks off.

From here we cut to our final flashback of the year (it made me so sad to type that). It's Desmond. He is getting released from military prison, for a crime he didn't commit. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire: THE A-TEAM! Sorry. I got caught up in the moment there... Anyway, as Desmond is being given back his possessions, we see the picture that he had in the hatch of him and a woman. And then he hands him a book, Our Mutual Friend by Charles Dickens. When the guard asks him why he didn't bring it in to jail with him, he tells him that he wants that to be the last thing he reads. I feel the same way about The Godfather. I love those movies so much and want to wait until right before I die to watch the majesty that is The Godfather: Part III. The last thing I do on this earth will be savoring its genius, so nobody give anything away! With that the guard officially releases "David Desmond Hume" from prison with a dishonorable discharge. Of course we don't know why, but that will no doubt be revealed another day. If we don't ask, they won't tell.

When Desmond gets outside he sees a car waiting for him with a man in the back seat. He doesn't want to get in but he isn't given much choice. The man shows him two boxes. In one of them is his past, the other, his future. Then he has a red pill and a blue pill. If he wants to be set free, he must take the red pill. Or maybe that's the one that will make him smaller. I get confused. The box that is his past is filled with letters. Every letter he wrote to Penny Widmore. So I am now assuming this man is the long talked about Mr. Widmore of Widmore Industries. Widmore Industries, for those who don't know, has been popping up here and there throughout the series (and figures prominently in the book Bad Twin). Mr. Widmore tells Desmond that Penny has moved on and is getting married. He then shows him the box that is his future. It's filled with money. Not real money, but that goofy colored British money with the old lady on it. Widmore says he'll give Desmond this money if he agrees never to call or write to Penny again. When Desmond asks why he would do that, Widmore looks at him and says, "Because you're a coward". Desmond then wets his pants.

Back on the island, Sayid is talking to Jack about their plan to double-double-cross Michael. He says that the boat will help them. As Jack and the others (small o) approach by land Sasyid will approach by water and get to the camp before them. That way he can scout out the Others' numbers and weapons. He will then burn a pile of wood to make black smoke so Jack, Sawyer, and Kate can meet him there and go in together. Sayid doesn't take a dump without a plan. I did once. It was a disaster.

In the hatch Eko is keeping watch over the computer. Locke comes in and tells him that he's been thinking. He doesn't want Eko to hit the button anymore. Actually he commands him not to hit the button anymore. This brings out the Nigerian warlord in Eko, and when Locke tries to smash the computer, Eko punches him and he drops like a bag of wet mice. Then Eko grabs him and throws him out of the hatch. "Do not come back." He says. Priests. Whattya gonna do?

On the beach, it's time for the posse to saddle up and head into the sunset. When Kate says she has second thoughts about it because of the fact that she knows they use fake beards and maybe, just maybe, that means their campsite is fake too, Michael just interrupts them in his subtle "nervous murderer" way and says they have to go. "Enough jibber jabber. Lets roll" says Sawyer. Jibber jabber? Really? Well, with that they head off. On the other part of the beach Sayid is going to Desmond about the boat. Desmond says not to bother trying to get away, there's no way off the island. Sayid says he won't, he just needs it to go after the Others, who Desmond refers to as hostiles. Since Desmond already has unloaded his grain alcohol he says it's all his. We then cut back to the flashback.

Desmond is in a Starbucks buying a four-dollar cup of coffee. When he realizes that all he has is the wacky colored money from England, the woman next to him offers to buy him his coffee. The woman is none other than Libby herself, with a different haircut. An ugly haircut. As they sit and talk Desmond tells her that he is preparing for a boat race around the world. He wants to win it because he will win the money from Charles Widmore, who took away everything he loved because Desmond wouldn't take his money. The only thing he needs is a boat. Wow. Other than the whole "I don't have a boat" part, Desmond has a fantastic plan. I plan on going to the moon and building a huge castle for me and five of my favorite TVgasm readers. Now all I need is a rocket ship and the materials to build it. I plan on starting any day now! Libby is touched by Desmond's inability to create realistic goals for himself, so she offers to give him her boat. It was her husband David's, but he died a month ago. If we find out in another flashback that her dead husband was Hurley's uncle, I am officially giving up on this show. Desmond asks what the boat's name is. "Elizabeth. He named it after me." Libby says. "Then I will win this race Elizabeth. And I will win it for love" Desmond tells her. Good, I'm sick of people winning races for hate. It's about time love got a chance.

In the jungle the merry band of brothers (and sister) are walking along until they hear something. They look up and see a bird in the trees come swooping down. It looks like a vulture or an eagle. Or it could be Toucan Sam searching for a "fruitful snootful" of Kellogg's Fruit Loops for all I know. It all happened so fast. When it swoops over it subtly screeches out Hurley's name. This is confirmed by rewatching it with the closed captioning on. So now what? Dharma has talking birds? When Michael starts shooting at the bird he realizes his gun isn't loaded. Jack looks over and says he must have forgot to load it. Then he gives Michael a new gun, with bullets. Michael eyes him suspiciously. Methinks the jig is up.

Over on the other part of the island, Locke is in a secluded part of the woods and crying like a schoolgirl with a scraped knee. The man is blubbering like there is no tomorrow. Baby needs his blanky. Oh Locke, whatever happened to the rough and tumble crippled walkabout guy we all fell in love with? Reduced to tears over a button. Charlie stumbles across him and tells him, in an unbelievably sarcastic and insulting way, that Desmond is back. Since when did the heroin addict, murdering, kidnapping freak start feeling superior to people? I mean sure Driveshaft was a kickass band we can all agree on that, but Charlie is quite the scumbag. And he has bad Scottish teeth. All that rock and roll money and you still have those godawful fangs? Thats the real mystery of Lost.

Don't you just want to punch that face?

When Sayid is getting ready to go on the boat he sees Sun with him. "I'm sorry if what I said was confusing. I asked Jin to come" Ahh, you can take the man out of Iraq but the antiquated sexist morals remain. Still, he can torture real good, and that's become quite a necessity on this island. Sun says that they need her to translate and he also needs at least two people to know how to sail. "Desmond managed on his own" Sayid says. "And look where that got him" Sun replies. When Sayid looks over at Jin, he gives that "Don't look at me, she's the boss" shrug that is universal to all husbands.

How do you say "She's the boss" in Korean?

Desmond is back on the beach having a Tommy Lee moment—meaning he is drinking vodka straight out of the bottle while ogling Claire's baby. When he sees her injecting Aaron with the vaccine, he tells her that it's a waste of time. He did it for three years and it got him nowhere. And now his testicles are the size of raisins. Then he asks about the baby's father and whether he is still around. "He had other priorities" Claire says. And we cut right to the flashback.

It's the night that Desmond and Jack met at the stadium. We see Desmond in the parking lot as Jack pulls up alongside him. Desmond then looks up and sees Penny drive up. "How did you find me?" she says. "With enough money and determination you can find anyone," she replies. A statement that will have even more meaning by the end of the episode. She asks him if he read his beloved book. No, not Everybody Poops, the one that he was saving. The Dickens book. Not yet, he says. She asks him why he didn't write her in prison. Instead of saying that he did, he just doesn't answer. He asks her when she's getting married. She says they haven't set a date yet. "I'll be back in a year" he tells her. "What if you were back right now?" she says with a glimmer of hope. So Penny wants him back. When she asks him what he's running from he says he has to get his honor back. And since the only way a man can get his honor back is through an around-the-world boat race, he's going to be gone for a year. Wasn't this a John Candy movie? Guy needs to win a boat race to get his honor back? Or was this the plot to Meatballs 4? Now I suppose you could be thinking that a way for him to get his honor back would be you know, get a job, buy a house and start a real life again so he and Penny can be happy together. But you have to remember, he's Scottish. They do things differently up there. And why did it have to be a boat race? Couldn't he win the hot-dog-eating contest at Coney Island to win his honor back? Or maybe collect a thousand Coke points and get that sweet Coke NASCAR jacket?

On the beach Desmond is wallowing alone when Locke comes up to greet him. "What if I told you for all those years that you and all the men before you were down there pushing that button. What if I told you it was all for nothing." When Desmond asks him how he would know that Locke tells him about the Pearl station and how it was all a psychological experiment. Desmond can't believe what he is saying. Locke shows him the orientation tape that explains it all. Desmond says that if he's so sure why doesn't he just stop pushing the button. He did decide to stop he says. But someone else decided to start. "So you're gonna sober up. Get a good night's sleep. And tomorrow we are gonna find out what happens when that button doesn't get pushed". A former cripple and a drunk Scotsman vs. a Nigerian warlord masquerading as a priest. It's the ultimate Mortal Kombat. Left-right-up-down-A-B makes Eko use a contraction in a sentence.

That night in the jungle Hurley is sitting by the fire. Sawyer offers him a Dharma nutra bar but he turns it down. It was probably because it had the word "nutra" in it. If it was called a "deep fried bar" I'm sure he would have been all over it. Over on the other side of their hastily constructed camp Michael is stewing alone in his own guilt. And it stinks. Jack comes by and asks him how he's doing. Michael says he's fine and then thanks him for helping him get... HIS BOY!!!!! Sorry, It's hard to resist. "Live together, die alone," Jack says. Then he quietly adds, "Get busy livin'. Or get busy dyin."

In the boat. Jin, Sun, and Sayid are sailing. Sun has morning sickness, or maybe she dipped into some of Desmond's Dharma vodka. Jin says she needs to see something. When Sayid hands her the binoculars she looks and sees that on the coastline are the remains of a giant statue. "I don't know what is more disquieting. The fact that the rest of the statue is gone, or that it has four toes." And then we see what he's talking about. Its the remains of a giant statue with a big four-toed foot. Does that mean that this island was colonized by cartoon people? Was it created by Dharma as an example of what they are attempting to achieve through genetic mutation? If so, then where is the rest of the statue? Is it thousands of years old? WTF is going on with this show? I haven't been this freaked out since I met this dude.

Back in the hatch. Eko is sitting there etching more sayings into his big pounding stick. Probably something along the lines of "Thou shalt not let the bald man keep you from the button." He then starts to hear some suspicious noises. When he gets up to investigate we hear the familiar sounds of the woman's voice on the speaker system. It's time for a lockdown! Once Eko realizes what's going on, he races back to get inside the computer room, but he's too late. Locke and Desmond are already there—Desmond tripped the lockdown by crossing some wires. With the countdown at 101 minutes, Locke says now all they have to do is sit there and wait.

In the flashback Desmond is on the high seas getting his honor back. He is in the middle of a huge storm and when he goes above deck to try and fix the mast he is knocked unconscious. But at least he was able to save his dorky book. When he wakes up he finds himself inside the hatch. A man is standing over him asking him "What did one snowman say to the other snowman?" Desmond doesn't know what he is talking about. When he asks him his name he says "Kelvin Inman." This is the same man who was the army psyops guy who taught Sayid how to torture back in Iraq in 1991. Only then he went by the name John Inman. And a thousand years ago he went by another name. The Kurgan (cue Queen music). Then Desmond hears the noise of the button. Inman goes and enters the numbers and hits enter. "What was that?" Desmond asks. "Just saving the world." Inman tells him.

Then we see Desmond watching the orientation tape. And this is the first time I noticed that in this orientation film the Asian man has only one arm and walks with a limp. In the Pearl orientation tape he is perfectly healthy with working arms. I'm not living up to my geek street cred for taking this long to notice. Desmond asks Inman why there are some parts missing on the film. "Radzinski made some edits," he says. But when Desmond asks him why, he doesn't answer. No one ever answers direct questions on this show.

Desmond asks him who Radzinski was and Inman just says that he was his partner. Then Inman starts putting on his HAZMAT suit. When Desmond asks why he has to wear it, Inman just says its so he doesn't get infected. Does Desmond ask what could be infecting him? No, of course not. Then Inman shows him the vaccine and tells him to take it every nine days.

In real time, Eko limps out of the hatch. He stops momentarily to notice the huge quarantine sign on the blown hatch door. On the beach he runs up to Charlie and asks him for help. Getting a new shirt? Goodness no, the dirty scrap of cloth that used to be a shirt has become something of a lucky charm for the big guy. Well, that is if you don't count him crash-landing on this island, finding his dead brother and being locked out of the one true mission that Jesus has picked out for him. Namely, pushing a button on a 1984 Macintosh. Hey it could be worse, he could have to wash lepers or something. He asks Charlie how they got the hatch door open. Charlie says that they blew it up. Eko pleads with him saying that if he cant get into the hatch everyone on the island will die. With that Charlie agrees to help him.

In the jungle the merry band of thieves is walking along talking about the Others. Sawyer's theory is that they are aliens and that's why they wear masks. Kind of a funny inside joke for all the Lost fanatics and their theories. Well played, J. J. Abrams. Well played. As they are talking Kate tells Sawyer to act naturally. Leer at something or make a bad double entendre. They are being followed and she is planning on turning the tables on them. They both pull their guns out, and a firefight ensues. Sawyer drops one of the Others, but one of them gets away. When Kate starts to go after him Jack says not to. When she asks why, he says its because they have already been warned. He then looks over at Michael. "Tell them, Michael," Jack says "Tell them what?" Michael says playing dumb—something he's perfected. Jack grabs him and shoves him against a tree and screams at him to stop lying. Michael cracks. He tells them everything. The list of names. That he let Henry go. He even admits that he killed Ana Lucia and Libby. But they just don't understand. He had to. It was the only way he could get his son back. Wait a minute. Michael has a son? Who would've thought! Wow, this season finale is all about shocking revelations!

Hurley is so disgusted at Michael he says he is going back. Jacks says that he can't. If Michael doesn't show up with all four of them the Others could know they are on to them and kill them all. He apologizes for not telling them right away but he says he never would have brought them out here without a plan B.

Speaking of plan B, we then see Sayid on the boat praying to Allah. Then Sun tries to mess with him by turning the boat around so he's not facing east. Punk'd! Jin sees the rocks off in the distance. The one with the hole in the middle. Was it used as a glory hole for the giant 4 toed statues of yesteryear? We might never know. All they do know is that this means they have arrived at the Others' camp.

In the jungle with Eko and Charlie, Charlie is leading him to the Dy-no-mite pile. Eko is planning on blowing up the hatch blast doors. Eko is unaware of the definition of a "blast door." He must have missed that class in fake priest school. When Charlie tells them what he is doing, Desmond says nothing would be able to blow up that door. When Locke asks him if he is sure, Desmond looks over to a crumpled metal shelf and says "I'm sure." Then we cut to the flashback.

We see Inman mixing some Dharma detergent with a brush. He tells Desmond to get ready. Desmond puts the crumpled metal shelf under the doorway and then goes over to a control panel in the computer room, crosses some wires, and we hear the familiar voice of the woman counting down. It's time for a lockdown.

Once the doors are down Inman starts working on the invisible map, which was started by his first partner, Radzinski. "You should have seen Radzinski do this. He had a photographic memory." Desmond then asks why he never speaks about what happened to the mysterious Radzinski. Inman then walks over to him and points up to a brown stain on the ceiling. "See that? That's Radzinski" he put a shotgun in his mouth when Inman was sleeping. "Bitch of it was I only had 108 minutes to bury the poor bastard." He says as he goes back to his invisible map. Best line of the episode.

Desmond then tells him that he wants to go outside next. It's always Inman who gets to go. Inman says it's too dangerous with the hostiles and the quarantine. Here's an idea: the Others are dressed that way so they look like savages affected by the "sickness" to the people in the hatch who venture out? But if that's true then the plane crash wasn't planned, and if so, how did the Others know everyone's names? This is the shit that keeps me up at night.

Anyway, Desmond tries to argue his point by swaying that he was in the army. Inman shoots back. "Oooh, right. Her Majesty's army, correct? How is that nice old lady's Army?" Oooh, Dharma Snap! Then Inman points out that he was kicked out of his army for not following orders. "And why did you get kicked out of yours?" Desmond asks him. "Because men followed my orders." Then Inman continues his sarcastic rant "Oh, but then thank god I joined the Dharma initiative! Namaste, thank you and good luck!" Inman says that Desmond can't go out. He has to stay and push the button.

Speaking of which, Eko is still working on getting that dynamite to blow the door designed to stop people who want to blow it up with dynamite. Charlie tries to plead with Eko, saying that maybe the whole thing is a joke. Eko stands up, pulls Charlie's belt off and throws it against the far wall, where it sticks to the wall from the magnetism. Then Charlie's pants fall down to reveal his Driveshaft. Underwear I mean. Driveshaft underwear. They marketed more than Kiss. Eko tries to give Locke one more chance, saying that if Locke lets him back in he will "forgive" him. No dice. So Eko then lights the fuse and hides around the corner about two feet away. Another lesson Eko missed in fake priest school. I can't imagine how, the chapter was clearly marked "How far to stay away when lighting dynamite on blast doors that will not be affected by it on mysterious island hatches with a bald guy and Scottish dude who says 'brotha' a lot locked inside." Charlie tries to run for it as the dynamite explodes, but the entire inside of the hatch erupts in a huge fireball.

In the flashback we see Desmond being awakened by the button alarm. He races out and enters the numbers in. It was Inman's shift, so where is he? Then he hears Inman singing. Under a trap door in the floor. He goes down to investigate and sees that Inman is drunk sitting in a corner next to a key switch. Damn this island loves buttons, and now we've added key switches to the mix. I heard next season is all about levers. Oh, but this is a special key switch. It is marked "Caution: System Termination." Which doesn't sound as good as "For free strippers: Turn key." In fact it is quite the opposite. I for one don't want to terminate any systems on this wacky island.

"I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it," Inman says. What is it, Desmond asks. "Failsafe. Turn this key and this all goes away." Desmond asks what is behind the wall, what was the incident? Amazingly... Inman answers. I'm sorry. It's just for a Lost fan I am not used to people ever answering questions directly, so this got me very excited. It doesn't take much. As a kid playing inside a huge cardboard box would keep me entertained for hours. I would've done the same with an old refrigerator, but a very special episode of Punky Brewster taught me not to do that. "Electromagnetism," Inman says. "Geologically unique. The incident, there was a leak, so now the charge builds up, and every time we push the button, it discharges it. Before it gets too big."

Why make us do it? Push the button? Inman laughs. "Here's the real question, Desmond. Do you have the courage to take your finger out of the dam and blow the whole thing up instead?" No, here is the real question, Why couldn't you simply design a program to automatically discharge the magnetism? Here, I can do it for you right now:

1 If time = 108 then goto line 2
2 Enter =4 8 15 16 23 42 goto line 3
3 discharge freaky island magnetism. Goto line 4
4 Reset clock to 108

There, done. I just saved the Dharma Initiative the cost of two full salaried employees. They can mail me a check.

In the modern hatch Desmond wants to go outside and check on Eko and Charlie outside. He thinks they may be dead. Locke stops him. Desmond then asks him a question. Why does he want to let the counter go down to zero? Does he really want to look down the barrel of the gun? Locke then says that he believed. He believed it was his purpose. So much so that a kid died for it. And that night he was pounding his fists on that hatch door, screaming at the heavens. And then a light came on. He thought it was a sign. "But it wasn't a sign. Probably just you going to the bathroom." The clock reads 32 minutes and counting.

On the north side of the island Sayid is reconnoitering the Others' camp, Bauer style. Only when he gets there it is deserted. Not a single person. He then goes over to the hatch that they were protecting and opens it. Nothing. A fake door and a fake hatch. The whole village is one huge decoy. Heck, I coulda told you that.

In the jungle, Michael (FYI, he is trying to get his son back), Jack, Kate, and Sawyer stumble across a gigantic pile of pneumatic tubes next to a big plastic dispensing tube. The tubes are filled with notebooks. Entire journals describing the goings-on inside the Swan hatch and the person named "SR." Radzinski? Before they have time to look at it, Sawyer sees the smoke. But something is wrong. The smoke is miles away.

Jack yells, "Where were you taking us? Sayid said he'd light the signal so we would meet him at the shore. We're nowhere near the beach!" Michael yells at him, "I had to!" and begins to plead. And then, the whispers start. The Others are near. The only thing I can make out is the name Elizabeth, but from past experience there are more embedded whispers in there, and rest assured there are an army of nerds out there that will find out for us. If you hear of anything, let us know in the forums.

They all draw their guns. Sawyer than grabs at his neck. A tranquilizer dart. Strike that, a tranquilizer dart that acts as a mini tazer. Sawyer goes down. The rest try to run—well all but Hurley—but it's too late. They are all captured by the others. Damn you Michael. Damn you to hell.

In the hatch, Desmond is quizzing Locke about the other hatch. Pearl station. He says it was full of TV monitors and a computer that spit out a printout. They were there to evaluate what went on in the hatch as part of the experiment and then send there reports back to their headquarters. But Desmond asks Locke if maybe he has it all wrong. Maybe the experiment was on them—the people at Pearl station. Maybe the button does need to be pushed. After what we just saw in the jungle I am starting to believe it myself. Then Desmond goes and looks at the printouts. All of which have the times followed by the word "accepted" on it.

Back in the flashback, Desmond is watching Inman leave in his suit when he notices that there is a tear in the leg of Inman's HAZMAT suit. Thinking the whole thing is a big hoax, Desmond silently follows him outside and to the beach. When he goes over a cliff to see what Inman's doing he sees his sailboat, repaired and floating in a small lagoon. He is then surprised by Inman, who sneaks up behind him. He says he's planning on leaving once he gets the boat fixed. "Why did you lie to me?" Desmond screams at him. "Because I needed a sucker to save the world after I left." This throws Desmond into a rage. He lunges at Inman, and they roll down the side of the embankment. Inman hits his head and dies instantly. Years as a special forces army guy, torturer and veteran of numerous bloody wars, and he dies when he hits his noggin in a three-second fight with a 5'6" Scottish guy who reads Dickens. Not since Jon Erik Hexum has there been a more embarrassing death (look it up).

Once Desmond sees he's dead he grabs the key from around his neck and races back to the hatch. He's too late. The countdown has expired, and the voice on the speaker system keeps repeating "System Failure" over and over again. Everything is shaking, and the hieroglyphics are showing on the timer. Desmond can only manage a few of the numbers before "System Failure" covers the computer screen over and over again. Then the shaking gets worse. All the metal objects in the hatch start flying across the room. Desmond enters in the final numbers and hits Execute. A moment passes, and then it stops. The computer goes back to normal, and everything is quieter again.

In the present, Desmond is poring over the printouts from the other computer. "When did you come here? The island. When did you come here?" Desmond asks him. "I don't know, 60 days ago." Locke says. "No, the date!" Desmond says. "It was September 22nd"" Then Desmond looks down at the printout. The system failure that happened after Inman died. The one that caused the electromagnetism to start to breach, happened on September 22nd. The same day the plane went down. The massive electromagnetic output from not entering the numbers caused the plane to crash. Hear that sound? That is the sound of your mind being blown away. "I think I crashed your plane." Desmond says, as he looks up form the printout.

Back with Kate, Sawyer, Hurley, and scumbag Michael are all hooded, except for Michael, and being led down a dock. This must be the Pala Ferry referred to in the orientation tape. The French woman's daughter is there, as well as the bearded man and all the other Others. The Others pull off the captives' hoods and we see they are all gagged. Kate mumbles that they know the bearded guy's beard is fake. "Why thank you, Kate. You don't know how much this itches." He says as he takes it off. We then find out that the bearded man and Miss Clue's real names are Tom and Dee. Then we hear a noise. It's the boat from last seasons finale. And there is someone on it. It's Henry Gale. He strides onto the ferry landing and looks at Jack. "Hello again," he says calmly. He then looks over at Tom, the former bearded man. "Where's your beard?" he asks impatiently. "I think they know." says Tom sheepishly. So Henry is the leader of the Others? Or at least the liaison between the Others and the real people behind it all. But what are the Others doing here? Were they dressed that way to fool the people in the hatches? Henry then looks over at Michael and says, "Let's get down to business." And business on the Lost island is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!! And after he says that they cut to commercial. Goddamn this show. I am having multiple TVgasms and dramatic blue balls all at the same time!

In the hatch Charlie is waking up after the explosion knocked him out. He wanders into the other room and sees Eko unconscious beneath some falling debris. In the computer room Desmond is frantically explaining to Locke that he crashed his plane. The button needs to be pushed. It's all real. Locke still doesn't believe him. When Desmond goes to enter in the buttons himself, Locke grabs the computer and smashes it to the floor. Desmond is panic-stricken. "You've killed us all," he says. "No, I've saved us all." Locke tells him. Desmond then releases the lockdown and runs out to the hall. He starts searching behind the bookcase when he stumbles across his Dickens book. This triggers the final flashback sequence.

Desmond is in the hatch now, alone and despondent. He is holding a gun contemplating suicide and drinking that sweet Dharma vodka. He finally decides to do what he has planned on all his life. He is going to read his final Dickens novel. When he opens the book though, a piece of paper falls out. He opens it to discover that his book is now three years overdue. Just kidding, It is a letter from Penny. It reads:

Dearest Des,
I am writing this letter you as you leave for prison and I've hidden in the one place you would turn to in a moment of great desperation. I know you go away with the weight of what happened on your shoulders. And I know the only person who can ever take it off is you. Please don't give up Des. Because all we really need to survive is a person who truly loves us. And you have her. I will wait for you always.
Love Pen.

So I guess Penny's idea of "forever" is a few years until she decides to marry another dude. Freaking chicks man...

The letter sends Desmond into a rage. He starts to sob and then rips the place apart. When he collapses on the floor he hears a noise. Banging outside at the top of the hatch. When he goes to look up he hears that it is Locke, on the night Boone died. He starts to cry tears of joy that only the sight of a middle-aged bald man can trigger. I suffer the same affliction. To this day I can't watch a movie with Patrick Stewart without breaking into uncontrollable sobbing.

Back in real time, Desmond runs back into the computer room and starts to open up the trap door. He says that the night Locke was banging on the hatch door was the night that Locke saved him from killing himself. Now he has to go blow the dam. As he says this, he disappears down the trap door, and the counter finally reaches zero. The moment us Lost fans have been waiting for all year. Screw American Idol, or who died on The O.C., or any of that nonsense. All we cared about is "What happens if you don't push the button?" Well, now we find out....

Desmond looks back up at Locke for what could be the last time and sways "I'll see you in another life brother." Then the hatch is filled with the same noise we heard before "System failure. System failure." Only this time there is no way to stop it. Everything is shaking. Then the giant magnetic pull starts to fling everything metal across the room. Charlie and Eko dodge out of the way of flying cutlery and pans. Below, Desmond fights his way across debris and sparks to get to the big button. I am jumping up and down in my living room like a giddy schoolgirl. If I had a nickel every time I typed that sentence..

Everything gets worse with the even bigger metal objects flying around the room, the washer dryer, the weights. Thank god no one has a metal plate in his head. Charlie tries to carry Eko out, but Eko just pushes Charlie out the door and tells him to get free. The hatch is his white whale I guess you could say (Dickens and Melville in one recap. If I throw in a Thackeray reference I can get the hat trick).

Eko stumbles back into the computer room where all hell is breaking loose. He looks up on the wall and sees the timer collapse in on itself. Awesome. Locke just looks at him dumbfounded and in the most loaded sentence since Rock Hudson said "Eh, its just a rash," Locke simply says "I was wrong." Down below, amid the chaos, Desmond takes out his key and puts it in the keyhole (tee hee). We hear Penny's voice from the letter telling him that he loves her, and then he turns it.

Everything goes white. We cut right to the ferry where Jack and the rest of them are tied up. A giant piercing groan surrounds the island as everyone grabs their ears and are enveloped in a white light. On the beach, Bernard, Claire and the baby are covering their ears. And then.. its over. Everything goes back to normal. Bernard looks up and sees something flying through the air. It's a piece of metal coming right for him. He jumps out of the way as it crashes to the beach. He looks over and sees that it is the quarantine labeled hatch door. Is the hatch destroyed? We'll find out in six months.

As we are watching everyone on the beach clean up after the incident, Charlie comes out of the woods. Bernard runs up to him and ask him where Locke and Eko are. "they're not back yet?" he asks. Then he looks over and gets a faint smile from Claire. He smiles back. Meanwhile Desmond, Eko, and Locke are screaming for help as the skin burns off their bodies. At least they could be as far as Charlie knows, the little prick.

On the ferry landing, Henry is not happy. He doesn't like the arrangement that was made but admits that with Walt they got "More than they bargained for," meaning Walt's powers. But Henry said Michael lived up to his word, so he will live up to his as well. He tells him to take the boat and follow a compass heading of 3 2 5, and if he does that they will find rescue. "That's it?" Michael says incredulously. Then he asks Henry what if he tells everyone in the outside world about the island. Henry is not concerned. Once Micheal leaves, Henry says, he will never be able to get back here. (What could this mean? Is the island hidden form the world by the electromagnetism?) And besides, Henry adds, if Michael does talk people will find out what he did to get his son back.

Henry then sends Michael to the boat where Walt is inside. Michael finally finds Walt. "Bon voyage," Henry says and turns to walk toward the others. They then untie Hurley and tell him he can go. His job is to tell the other people to never come here. "But what about my friends?" he says. "They are coming with us." Henry says. Hurley looks back one last time at Jack, Sawyer and Kate tied up on the pier. When the Others go to pull them off their knees, Kate and Jack look at each other. What looks like a nod of recognition goes over their faces. What? Is there a plan C? We don't know as the hoods go over their heads.

The next thing we see it's nighttime. Charlie is sitting on the beach with Claire. She asks what happened out there but Charlie just says, "Nothing happened." Then Claire looks at the cuts he got form the big nothing and he smiles. She leans over and kisses him. Awww, this would be a sweet moment if it weren't for the fact that Charlie is a lying scumbag who just left Eko, Locke, and Desmond to their possible deaths. That's it, I am throwing away all my Driveshaft records. We then fade to black. But there is one more tantalizing part of this amazing season finale. The epilogue. I admit I almost missed it since the scene takes place in the arctic and the ABC logo is hidden in all the white. Thank god for TiVo.

Two Brazilian men are in the Arctic (or Antarctica, we don't know) in what looks like a viewing station. One of them looks up from the chess game they are playing and sees that one of their instruments says, "Electromagnetic anomaly detected" on the screen. "How long has it been doing that?" he says. "That's it isn't it! We missed it again!" the other says. "Call her!" the other one frantically screams. He races to the phone and picks it up. We cut to a woman's nightstand, with the picture of Desmond and Penny on it. The phone rings. A woman picks up and the man says "Mrs. Widmore. I think we found it.". The woman is Penny. Cut to black.

So that's it. Is anyone else as jazzed as I am? That was a great season finale. If it wasn't for the fact that we have Big Brother 7 this summer (and Project Runway 3 and Hell's Kitchen 2) I would be one antsy fellow waiting for September to arrive. What happened when Desmond pushed the button? Did it reveal the island to the outside world? Will we get to see Michael next season driving to pick up Walt from soccer practice sticking his head out the car window and screaming "I have to get my son! WALLLLLTTTTT!!!!!!" and killing all who get in his way? What did Kate and Jack look at each other for? Will Claire really sleep with that sleaze Charlie? Well at least we have the Lost webgame and the Lost forums to keep us occupied. It's gonna be a long summer.

Posted by EdHIll at 5:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (77)

The Today Show, 5/31/06, NBC

What better way to bid Katie Couric adieu from The Today Show than with an atonal tune sung by scratchy Broadway sensation Harvey Fierstein? He just wants to sing. Is that so wrong??

Posted by at 4:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)

The MTV Movie Awards are being filmed this weekend in Los Angeles, and our very own Katie and Madeyoulaugh will actually be at the red carpet (!) (J-Unit and I will be live blogging the ceremony when it airs next Thursday night). There should be plenty of excitement there, and as is the case with all awards shows, the celebrities will be receiving extravagant, ridiculous gift bags. MTV kindly sent us a press release about all the goodies, and needless to say, it's all quite insane. I was going to write commentary about each item, but truthfully, there are just too many to deal with. And here's the thing: half of the SWAG is totally dumb. My favorite giveaway comes courtesy of Superman Returns: "Superman Returns will be gifting a deluxe S3 Select Series Sculpt figure of Superman from the new hit film and a choice of the “Superman Returns” Inflato-Suit or the Remote Controlled Flying Superman figure." Oh great. I was just telling my friends about how badly I need a "Superman Returns" Inflato-Suit.

Full list of junk after the jump...

Altec Lansing Inc. will be gifting a choice between two portable speaker systems for iPods: The new inMotion iM9, appropriately recognized as the SUV of portable iPod speakers, thanks to its rugged and durable nature, or the popular, boom-box style inMotion iM7, which comes complete with sound quality that has been known to rival traditional home stereo systems.

Antik Batik will be gifting a special bag designed just for MTV Movie Awards. Entirely designed in Paris, the Antik Batik collection is a mixture between the modern and the ancient world.  Meeting with craftsmen from the whole world, Antik Batik is a colorful universe where basics from diverse world cultures are reinterpreted.

Bath Accessories Company will be gifting a luxurious and fun selection of the finest at-home professional spa products from The Bath Accessories Company and Spa Sister. The talent will have a choice of luxury robes, slippers, sleep masks, Polka Dot Bathing Gloves, Shaggy flip flops, Overnight Softening Gloves and Socks, Polishing Mitts, Sauna Bath Brush, and more.

Beyond Technology will be gifting the complete e-Bright System which includes everything the user needs to dramatically whitening their smile at home in just 3, professional quality treatments.  Beyond Technology Corp., a world leader in professional dental whitening systems used by thousands of dentists around the globe brings its power-whitening technology to home-whitening with the new e-Bright system. Destined to replace traditional home tray-bleaching, the e-Bright system utilizes 18 high intensity LEDs to deliver 480nm wavelength light-accelerated whitening- the same technology used in cosmetic procedures at the dentist office. 

Bogosse, a collection of impeccably tailored and luxuriously elegant men's shirts, will be gifting a gift certificate for one shirt along with a private consult from the designers.

Bozart is gifting specially produced necklaces for the talent of the MTV Movie Awards. 

Centre Epiderme/Dr David Sayah will be gifting a consultation with Beverly Hills plastic and reconstructive surgeon Dr. David Sayah and receive a Restalyne treatment.

Chaya Tequila will be gifting a bottle of Chaya Tequila in a VIP only designer case unavailable to the public.  Recipients will also receive a bottle of each of their other flavors: the young agave filled Chaya Silver, the light fruit of Chaya Reposado, or the refined taste of Chaya.  Chaya tequila is the elegant new award winning spirit in the world of premium tequilas that has the industry raving.

Cheri Mancuso will be gifting a gift certificate for an hour reading, in person or by telephone. Cheri Mancuso has been a medium / psychic in Los Angeles for over 20 years and is known internationally for her exceptional gifts to see the future for celebrities, corporations and finding missing persons as well as working homicides internationally. Cheri has been written up in numerous magazines, been on radio and television with her uncanny predictions for her clients as well as predicting earthquakes, stock market and real estate trends.

Cosabella will be gifting a certificate for a lingerie set from its new Forever collection.  The Italian intimate apparel brand, Forever collection, is designed in lightweight mesh with lace trim.  The set includes a Forever padded soft bra, low-rider thong and low-rider bikini in either basic black or powder blue. 

Curve will be gifting their signature camisole - a perennial favorite for layering with the hottest looks for any season.  Curve is the premiere style destination on Robertson for celebrities and  fashionistas.

Fendi-Marchon Eyewear will be gifting fashionable leather sunwear inspiring the look of luxury and elegance.

Givenchy Timepieces will be gifting a choice of one of their watches. It has been over 20 years since the House of Givenchy launched their first wristwatch collection in 1983.

Hollywood Poker will be gifting the talent a $500 Celeb Club Card to play online along with a gun metal grey USB drive in a velvet pouch.

Jana Feifer will be gifting one of her new handbags from her recent collection.  The bags are handcrafted from supple Italian leather and detailed with beautiful and unique hardware.

Jewel In The Sky-Jewel In The Sky will be gifting their luxurious and exquisitely detailed tops which have just launched worldwide at such luxury stores as Harvey Nicks and Selfridges in London. Jewel features the finest hand-embroidered detailing, multi-jewel appliques and Indian-inspired craftsmanship. These tops are a collaboration between Annarita Celano and Mirabel Edgedale and all proceeds will go to charity in service of humanity-the Jewel within.

Just Cavalli will be gifting a charm bracelet with Sea Shells and Pearls.

Kamhi World will be gifting their 40 Year Old Virgin doll and a gift certificate for talent to redeem more of their fun products based on TV and Movie characters.

La Costa Hotel & Spa will be gifting a two-night stay for two at the all new La Costa Resort and Spa. The getaway includes two nights of suite accommodations, dinner for two in BlueFire Grill and a two-hour Romantic Spa Journey in a private VIP suite at the spa.  The spa journey includes unlimited day use of the spa, a 50-minute La Costa massage for two, a bottle of sparkling wine, chocolate fruit fondue and one hour of additional leisure time in their spa VIP suite.

Lady Dutch will be gifting a sexy top from the Lady Dutch Line and a gift certificate for the talent to choose from both Lady Dutch and Dutch Camp.   Lady Dutch was conceived with the goal of giving the urban diva assertive fashion with an underlying feminine touch. A fashion-forward collection with dynamic graphics and competitive price-point is the force behind Lady Dutch’s success. Lady Dutch has become a legitimate force within the fashion community and a staple within the celebrity world.

License2bling will be gifting 2 license plate frames embedded with Swarovski crystals.

Mae & J will be gifting a special edition of their "Rebel Duffel" - Their stylish weekender, perfect for overnight trips, or to carry everything around town.

Mattel will be gifting a certificate from Mattel, redeemable for their choice of product from Barbie® and Hot Wheels® Collector brands.  Fashionistas will be able to choose from Best Models™ On Location™ doll trio featuring South Beach, Monte Carlo and Milan Barbie® dolls, an Anna Sui Boho Barbie®, Maiko™ Barbie or Barbie® Fashion Model Collection: Stolen Magic™ doll.  Hot Wheels® fans will receive a 1:18 scale Limited Edition Elite™ Ferrari FXX die-cast masterpiece and a choice of either a 1:18 scale ’68 Silver Camaro or a 1:20 scale UAV (Urban Assault Vehicle) from the Drop Stars™ line.

Missoni will be gifting their Missoni Parfum, an irresistible weave of luscious fruits, exuberant florals and tantalizing gianduia chocolate.  Colored by joy, scented by passion, fueled by "amore" it is an expression of the Italian lifestyle.  Captured in an elegantly whimsical cushioned pouch made of the signature Missoni material. 

The Mod Resort will be gifting a gift certificate for a weekend getaway in a Deluxe Studio Mod Suite.  The Mod Resort, a newly renovated hip boutique hotel located in beautiful Palm Desert, Ca., is just steps from El Paseo Dr.

Netflix will gift a 12-month complimentary membership to Netflix and a  portable DVD player to enjoy movies on the go.

One Life will be gifting one of their famous 'suits' to the participants in the MTV Movie Awards. One Life was established in 2002 by Peddy Ebrahim. The form-fitting fashion conscious sportswear label was immediately embraced by celebrities and the media.

Pocket Surfer will be gifting the PocketSurfer, the portable Browser that lets the user get Mobile and Surf the Web. Users will be able to use its online shops, auctions, stock quotes, maps to your next meeting, annual reports, photos from a friend - from a friend's trek overseas to Star Trek, the Web delivers the world instantly - big, vivid, and dynamic-on the PocketSurfer. www.edgetechnow.com.

Rix Chix will be gifting an exclusive dress found only in the celebrity gift bag.  This turquoise knee-length halter dress features an empire waist with an art-nouveau floral print.  Rix Chix focuses on the need and love of making all women feel beautiful in their own skin.  Owner/designer Erika Stanley creates this feminine and funky collection using soft textiles, bright colors, and bold graphics. Rix Chix is comfortable, yet structured enough to be classy, unique, and striking. 

Salinas will be gifting a certificate for two of their hottest bikini swimwear: The Lucy- Bold black and white heart printed Brazilian bikini with playful ruffled bottom and red striped heart pin detail and The Souvenir- Mixed print Brazilian bikini with ruffled black & white stripe triangle top and vintage inspired printed bottom with striped bow. 

Seven for All Mankind will be gifting jeans exclusively made for the occasion by 7 for all Mankind and Great China Wall.  The distressed jeans feature embellishment including washed suede and galvanized studs. 

Sports Club LA will be gifting a six month Bicoastal Membership to the finest sports and fitness complex, The Sports Club/LA. The recipients can enjoy use of The Sports Club/LA in West Los Angeles, The Sports Club/LA in Beverly Hills, The Sports Club/LA-Rockefeller Center) and/or The Sports Club/LA in Orange County.

Surf Diva Surf School will be gifting VIP private surf lesson from their world premier surf school. Whether the talent wants to improve their surf skills or try surfing for the first time, this gift certificate entitles them to a VIP 2 hour private surf lesson at the beautiful La Jolla Shores Beach, one of Southern California’s best surf spots and luxury resort destinations. They will receive a limited edition framed Surf Diva Surf School diploma when they complete their lesson and the opportunity to reward their efforts by indulging in some serious retail therapy at the Surf Diva boutique!
 
Superman Returns will be gifting a deluxe S3 Select Series Sculpt figure of Superman from the new hit film and a choice of the “Superman Returns” Inflato-Suit or the Remote Controlled Flying Superman figure.  Additionally, a $200 donation in the recipient’s name will be made to the Christopher Reeve Foundation and a wearable dog tag and clip with the Foundation’s “Go Forward” motto, emblazoned with the Superman “S” Shield, will be included in the package so the recipient can show their support for the Foundation’s mission of finding treatments and cures for spinal cord injuries.

Swapsets by Steffi Thomas will be gifting a set of this ingenious fashion technology innovation that represents a cool new take on headbands, headphones and headsets.  Colorful, interchangeable, fashion hair bands have unique click-in headphones and headsets for iPods and cell phones.  This stylish, wearable technology also features speakers that rest softly but firmly outside of the ear to help reduce the risk of hearing loss.  Especially popular among multi-taskers, they will not pop out and are completely flexible.  (888) 850-SWAP (7927) / http://www.swapsets.com.

Swarovski will be gifting a limited edition copper color crystal chandelier pendant.

T3 Tourmaline will be gifting the T3 Tourmaline hairdryer:  The "rolex" of hairdryers.  The T3 Tourmaline Evolution is the fastest, lightest and quietest and most ionic full-sized hairdryer in the world. The new technology T3 is 70% faster than traditional models.  It remains the favorite of high-profile beauty editors, music, entertainment, and fashion world stars and insiders.

Tattoo MD will be gifting a $1000 gift certificate that can be used towards laser tattoo removal or any of their other clinic services. The time has come to re-think ink. Dr. Alex Kaplan's TATTOO MD Laser Clinic, located in west Los Angeles, specializes in laser tattoo removal and other cosmetic skin procedures such as laser hair removal, FotoFacials, Botox and Restalyne.  Dr. Kaplan, the "TATTOO MD," recently gained recognition in The Los Angeles Times and The New York Times and has become the leading expert in laser tattoo removal.  For more information, please visit www.TattooMDLA.com.

truth® will be gifting an asphalt gray t-shirt with Whudafxup? - logo stenciled in white and orange.

Vans will be gifting two limited edition versions of their iconic Classic Slip-On, the first is an original black bandana print and the second is a black and white leather checkerboard weave. 

XM2go® Satellite Radio with MP3 will be gifting the Samsung Helix, activation and one year of XM Satellite Radio service.  The Samsung Helix (MSRP: $399.99) is a major breakthrough in consumer electronics, offering live XM reception for portable listening, and it stores MP3s, WMA files, and XM content for playback anywhere, anytime. Plus, Helix has a revolutionary feature that lets the user "bookmark" songs heard on XM for online purchase from the XM + Napster service.

Posted by at 1:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

With a look at NBC’s schedule, my coverage of the 2006-2007 upfronts (the annual presentation of network’s new schedules to media outlets and advertisers) comes to a close.

NBC is in the worst shape of the 5 major networks. It’s coming off yet another disastrous year and they’ve been facing this downward trend ever since the loss of The Jennifer Aniston Show, otherwise known as Friends. After foolishly betting on the charm of Joey to carry the Must See TV torch, NBC settled on the Donald’s hairpiece to keep the network relevant on Thursdays with The Apprentice. Now after that show and the Donald himself have begun to show their age, NBC is betting on a series of new shows and young hits to keep their dreams of world television domination alive in 2006-2007. That’s not to say that last year was a total waste: the game show, Deal or No Deal, hosted by Bobby’s World creator/the world’s most famous OCD patient Howie Mandel, was a surprise hit last season, as was the new comedy My Name is Earl.

NBC also has some of the most talked about shows of the new season, including not one but two about the backstage madness going on at an SNL-style show. One, 30 Rock a half-hour comedy from the mind of Tina Fey, the other an hour-long drama Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, from West Wing creator Aaron Sorkin. This season, NBC said goodbye to two of the network's longest running, most decorated shows, Will & Grace (Most. Depressing Series Finale. Ever.) and The West Wing. Cancelled are the aforementioned Joey (burning off its last few episodes sometime this summer), the Law & Order-spin-off Conviction (Does this mean Stephanie March will head back to SVU? Pretty Please?), E-Ring and reality shows Fear Factor and The Apprentice: Martha Stewart Concentration Camp. NBC was actually the first of the networks to reveal its schedule but held a press conference last week to reveal major updates to its new schedule. The reason? Grey’s Anatomy’s move to Thursdays at 9PM where it was going to compete against/demolish Studio 60, which was in position to reignite Must See TV Thursday. You see, Meredith Grey doesn’t only destroy lives in Seattle Grace; hers is the most deadly plague since the spreading of the McPheever. Also it should be noted that Scrubs HAS been renewed for a full season, but its premiere date has not yet been confirmed. At first it was speculated that it would return midseason, but with the recent shakeups to the schedule, it could return earlier. To find out what other surprises NBC has in store for us, join me after the jump!

Sunday

JOHN MADDEN TRYING TO CALCULATE EXACTLY HOW MUCH MONEY HE HAS. AND HOW MUCH IT WOULD COST TO BUY CO-SPORTSCASTER AL MICHAEL'S IMMORTAL SOUL.

In one of the biggest coups for NBC, this season the NFL returns to the Peacock on Sunday nights for the first time in years. This basically guarantees the faltering network a ratings boost for the first half of the season. AT 7 PM, NBC is boasting the first ever full hour NFL pre-game program, anchored by Al Michaels and John Madden, who despite popular belief, isn’t just a guy whose name is on a videogame. At 8 PM the football game coverage will begin.

After the football season ends, NBC will have a little post-partem depression but hopes to rebound quickly with the return of the Simon Cowell produced reality competition, America’s Got Talent. The show actually premieres over the summer; so I suppose if it’s not a ratings winner, NBC will be looking for another show to fill this slot. America’s Got Talent is kind of a Star Search/American Idol hybrid, except instead of singers singing their hearts out, they’ll be contortionists, contorting their hearts out and fire-eaters fire eating their hearts out. Why not just call it America’s Next Carnival Sideshow? The big shock here is that the host of America’s Got Talent will be… REGIS PHILBIN! Yes, the Reege! This may not seem like a huge controversy, but as you may have noted, America’s Got Talent is not being aired on ABC where the Reege has set up shop for years and years. How will this effect his morning show? How about those Who Wants to Be a Millionaire specials? Most importantly, what of Kelly Ripa!?!? Also premiering in January will be Raines, starring Jeff Goldblum as a detective who gets confessions out of criminals by stammering and rubbing his forehead until they get so annoyed by his tics and mannerisms they crack.

Monday

JUST LET ME GET THIS OUT OF THE WAY: COULD I BE ANY MORE EXCITED ABOUT THIS SHOW?

At 8PM, Deal or No Deal is going to lead off the evening, and I’ll probably start watching because I think Howie Mandell is about one handshake away from a full-on nervous breakdown. At 9PM is the premiere of the new show Heroes, which depending on who you listen to is the best new show of the year or the first potential bomb of the season. Personally, this is one of the new shows that I am most looking forward to. The show centers on a group of strangers who suddenly discover they have superpowers. Supposedly, this is played more for drama than a Smallville-like actioner, which is fine with me. I like to think that it’s not the big comic book nerd in me that’s excited about Heroes but rather the enlightened television connoisseur.

On that note let’s take a look at the stellar cast: Alias/Lost monster food Greg Grunberg takes the lead, along with Final Destination star Ali Larter, finally realizing that Final Destination is as good as its gonna get for her on the big screen, and Gilmore Girls’ Milo Ventimiglia (who also, for some reason, will be starring in the new Rocky film Rocky 26: Rocky Takes Manhattan). Rounding out the cast is Hayden Panettiere (Malcolm in the Middle), Adrian Pasdar (RIP – Profit) and Leonard Roberts (Buffy, the Vampire Slayer season 3 recurring guest star alert!). I won’t reveal the powers of each of the characters, but they range from flight to indestructibility to telepathy to inability to get a date for being such a massive dork. In a decision that bodes very well for Heroes, NBC recently blinked and moved Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip from Thursdays at 9 PM (where it would go up against Grey’s Anatomy, CSI and The O.C.) to Mondays at 10 PM. There, Studio 60’s only real competition will be CSI: Miami, and hopefully the night will be big enough for both Studio 60 and David Caruso’s hair. Studio 60’s only concern is too much buzz. The hour-long drama about the goings-on behind the scenes at an SNL-type series has been so hyped at this point there is nothing that could satisfy people. As a matter of fact, the very entertaining clip shown at the upfronts was strangely met with mixed reactions. See it for yourself here. I think that perhaps people thought the combination of Aaron Sorkin producing, Matthew Perry, Amanda Peet and Bradley Whitford starring, and a plum-NBC timeslot was going to instantly be the second coming of Jerry Seinfeld. Instead, what you have here is a very smart, very funny, very promising clip that shows how un-Chandler Matthew Perry will be and how un-annoying Amanda Peet will be. Monday night, for the first time in a long time, is now relevant to me beyond Jack Bauer.

Tuesday

The only other show to get nearly as much buzz as Studio 60 at the upfronts was Friday Night Lights, a small-screen adaptation of the 2004 Billy Bob Thornton film (which in turn was a big screen adaptation of the H.G. Bissinger book). Networks have had a great deal of trouble adapting films into television series (see Parenthood, My Big Fat Greek Crapfest, etc.), but seeing how this was a great film that wasn’t hugely successful, and its theme (High School + Small town X great expectations = good drama) is a pretty appealing one, NBC seems to be riding high while squashing the notion that this is strictly a show about football (it’s about LIFE). Kyle Chandler takes over the Billy Bob Thornton role as the coach with Connie Brittion co-starring. I say, yes please. Following Friday Night Lights will be a double dose of Law & Order. In a post-upfronts scheduling change that pissed off über-producer Dick Wolf, Law & Order: Criminal Intent will be moved to 9PM and Law & Order: Special Victims Unit will stay put at 10PM. Whether or not Criminal Intent will keep it’s half- Vincent D’Onfrio-scene-chewing and half Chris Noth-mugging structure remains to be seen, but it seems likely. While the beloved Mariska Hargitay is on maternity leave over on SVU, stalling a Stabler-Benson make-out session even further, Gladiator temptress Connie Nielson joins the cast as Elliot Stabler’s new partner for a handful of episodes.

Wednesday

DEAR GOD, THANK YOU FOR GIVING US HEALTH, LOVE AND DEBBIE DOWNER

At 8PM NBC will launch two comedies, both of which have great potential. First is 20 Good Years, starring John Lithgow and Jeffrey Tambor (welcome home, Papa Bluth!) as two sixtysomethings who decide to make the best of the life they have left. Sounds like a big, broad comedy that you can gauge your enjoyment level based on your feelings towards the two leads. I am predicting that it won’t be nearly as clever as Arrested Development, but not as slapstick happy as Third Rock from the Sun. Props to NBC for programming for my grandmother, however.

At 8:30 PM will be the premiere of 30 Rock, the SNL-satire from Tina Fey, who will be forsaking her head writer duties on the real Saturday Night Live, but not her Weekend Update co-anchor spot, to write, executive produce and star in 30 Rock. I’m assuming that even if the show doesn’t achieve the brilliance that it is capable of, the worst episode of 30 Rock will be better than the best episode of many other sitcoms on television. I say this based on nothing but the fact that Weekend Update is constantly the funniest part of SNL, and that Mean Girls was one of the most surprisingly funny movies I’ve seen in the past few years (don’t deny it, you get passed the Lindsay Lohan, and there’s a quality movie there). With Tina Fey headlining, Alec Baldwin as a new Network president, and SNL-alums Rachel Dratch and Tracy Morgan rounding out the cast, this show has a lot more to live up to in my mind than Studio 60. This fresh comedy block doesn’t seem like an ideal pairing with a fresh cycle of The Biggest Loser, a show I like to watch because it makes me feel pretty good about my life. As I shovel nachos into my mouth, I can at least say to myself, well, you’re not fat enough to be on The Biggest Loser. At 10 PM will be the premiere of the new show Kidnapped, which sounds like it may be a frontrunner for first casualty of FALL 2006 if it doesn’t deliver solidly on its been-there-done-that premise: A wealthy family’s teenage son is kidnapped, and it’s up to the psycho brother from Six Feet Under (Jeremy Sisto) to get him back. The show has an impressive pedigree – Dana Delaney, Timothy Hutton and Delroy Lindo co-star and David Greenwalt (Angel) is one of the shows producers – but is anyone clamoring for another serialized thriller? However, this does look more appealing than the Da Vinci Code knock off, Vanished, premiering this fall on FOX. I’ll be the first to eat my words if the show is more of a Prison Break than a Reunion.

Thursday

“I JUST NEEDED YOU TO KNOW… ONCE”

Oh Must-See-TV, how far you’ve fallen! With the sad state of Thursday night on NBC, it’s hard to remember that Thursday night on NBC was a fixture from before those coffee-loving genetic freaks hung out here through most of the '90s. Thursdays on NBC is where The Cosby Show, Cheers, Seinfeld, etc. all set up shop from the early '80s on. So it’s no wonder that NBC is trying desperately to keep the tailspin that Joey Tribbinani caused under control (even sadder, the thought that poor, sweet, trashy Adrianna had to get whacked on The Sopranos so Drea De Matto and her body of steel could head on over to LA with her brother Joey). The original plan was to start the evening off with their two biggest comedy hits (and arguably, the two best comedies on television), My Name Is Earl and The Office, followed by the hyped-to-the-hilt Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, and finishing off the night with old standby ER. It sounded like the return of Must-See-TV to everyone! Including ABC, who decided to transplant the horny interns of Grey’s Anatomy to Thursdays at 9PM (did you hear about that one yet?), all but guaranteeing that Studio 60 would be crushed under the weight of McDreamy’s hair product. So NBC blinked. They are keeping My Name Is Earl at 8 PM and The Office at 8:30 PM, and it has to be said: The Office is my favorite comedy on television. The season finale was, in a word, genius. If you are not watching because you’re a fan of the original British version or because you don’t think you can click with the funky rhythms of the show, please give it a shot (either on iTunes or reruns or on DVD). You will not be sorry. Jim and Pam forever! Everyone else never! Also, let’s give some love to My Name is Earl, which is a solidly funny and quirky show, thanks in no small part to a crackerjack ensemble, especially Jamie “Who Knew You Were Anything But a Hot Piece of Ass” Pressley, giving a comic tour de force. Seriously, watch this hour of comedy next season.

At 9PM NBC will air another hour of Deal or No Deal, and while it’s not the sexiest scheduling choice, it’ll be a solid ratings winner in a tough time slot. At 10 PM someone will surely care that ER is back for its umpteenth season. It’s just not me. At midseason, NBC will premiere The Black Donnellys, a drama about four young working class Irish brothers getting into trouble in New York City. The show is getting great buzz and comes from Paul Haggis, director of the Academy Award winning Crash, a great movie (although I felt its message was a little heavy handed at times). This leaves me excited for Donnellys, and its solid young cast including Jonathan Tucker (one of Leatherface’s more unfortunate victims in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake), Thomas Guiry and everyone’s favorite lesbian teen fling, The O.C.’s Olivia Wilde. I think the plan is to move Donnellys to another night after premiering it Thursdays at 10PM for a few weeks during an ER hiatus.

Friday

After the Greys-gate of ’06, NBC decided to take Crossing Jordan off the mid-season sidelines and bring it back Fridays at 8 PM, effectively placing Medium (and its declining ratings) in mid-season limbo. At 9PM, Las Vegas will continue its fun-run as television’s best guilty pleasure show. I have to admit, however, as much as I love beautiful people being beautiful in Las Vegas, this show failed to live up to its promise earlier in the season by killing off Lara Flynn Boyle in the lamest way possible. Yeah it was funny, but come on, sending her literally, FLYING OFF THE ROOF by a gust of wind? Believe me, much funnier in theory than it was in practice. 10 PM is the new home for the original Law & Order after a season finale full of, umm, cast changes. Expect a lot of new faces next season to put some new life in the fading workhorse.

Saturday

NBC isn’t even pretending to schedule programming; so it will drop in a Dateline airing followed by Drama Series reruns.

So that’s all she wrote. I’m pretty psyched about a lot of NBC’s lineup, which is quite unusual. Heroes, Studio 60, 30 Rock and Friday Night Lights are about one good commercial away from season passes on my DVR. What are you looking forward to?

And that concludes my coverage of the upfronts in New York. Hope you enjoyed it! And just a sidenote: don’t get too attached to any of these timeslots and series. Shows have a tendency of getting moved around or disappearing during the long summer months. See you on the flip!

Posted by at 12:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

When it comes to Food Network cholesterol maven Paula Deen, sg-dub is usually the man who captures all her excess. However, I happened to catch her gushing over some barbecue, and I knew I had to share her joy with all y'all. Check out the pics of Paula's orgasmic moment after the jump...

"Hey y'all. Welcome to Texas! Today we're going to make deep-fried butter cutlets with a side of--"

"Wait! I smell barbecue!"

"Hey hey hey, BBQ. Whatchu up to?"

"Momma's ready to eat you up!"

The resident cowboy slices some brisket for Paula. If there's any doubt about her orgasmic glee, listen to this audio clip.

Time for Paula to sneak a piece...

"I'm gonna eat this up, y'all."

"Mmmmm..."

"Holy Jebus."

"It's like a million sticks of butter all at once, y'all."

"Makes me remember the first time I tasted lard à la mode."

"You don't know what you've done, Tom. You've unleashed the beast."

"Is somebody playin' Barry White? Or is that just in my head?"

"Does this turn you on?"

"I think I love you, cowboy."

"Come here, Tom."

"Don't resist, y'all."

"Taste the Deen."

PASSION!

Uncomfortable PASSION!

"Never forget me, Tom."

Posted by at 11:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (28)

Back in late February, Last Comic Standing held auditions here in Los Angeles, and being the whore I am for any sort of reality event, I gladly trekked on down to the Hollywood Improv to take a gander at the activities. No, I did not audition. Truth was that our old friend Kevan from Amish in the City (a.k.a. the one normal city guy) actually has a standup career going on now, and he invited us to come down and hang with him in line. Sounded like fun. Little did I know an Ice Age would happen to hit Los Angeles that night. Needless to say, it was cold (for L.A. standards, which meant the temperature was hovering near fifty degrees), but weather be damned. There were all sorts of bizarre characters out. Unfortunately, I wasn't quite as proficient with my camera as usual, and so my photos are few and far between. But I'll share what I did get.

These guys here were the typical auditioning lot. I think they had driven up from San Diego to tryout. They were one of a few hundred who were camping out that night. I don't remember them being particularly funny. And let me tell you something: there's nothing quite as depressing as standing amongst hundreds of people who think they're the world's greatest comedians. You know when you have a friend who's always "on"? Yeah, multiply that by about three hundred. The mass undercurrents of bitter self-loathing were a joy.

There were some amusing people there though. I remember one guy who was a midget in a wheel chair. He had muscular dystrophy, I think, and he was hilarious. Okay, that sounded wrong. He wasn't hilarious because of his handicap. He was hilarious because he was saying hilarious things. I wish I could remember his name, but the whole "I waited three months to post this" really screwed that up.

OH! And there was this total asshole guy named Chris, I believe. I should have taken a picture of him. He was so bitter and unfunny, but you could tell he thought he was being witty and sardonic. Everyone in the line hated him.

This is Kevan sleeping. Not much to say about that. In case you're wondering, I was not hardcore. I did not spend the night on the streets too. Why? Because I wasn't auditioning. I got to spend my night in my bed. My warm, cozy, not-on-the-sidewalk bed. Ah, the fringe benefits of being a hanger-on.

The next morning, everyone was spry and chipper. I went back to the line, which had grown significantly. Season one contestant Jay London was hanging around, and he gave Kevan some tips about auditioning and doing standup in general. It was swell. Of course, I took a picture of both of them. Two reality stars in one place is always grounds for taking out my camera.

The highlight of my morning. As I was walking around the line, I suddenly spotted my favorite woman from Flavor of Love: Goldie! I literally yelled out to her, "Goldie!" (I don't know what possessed me) and from that point on, there was some solid banter for five minutes. She told me her real name, which I have since forgotten (Amber or something like that) and said that she'd been doing standup since the show. Of course, this is old news now because she announced this on the Flavor of Love reunion. I tried to get her to beat-box like she did drunkenly on that first episode, but she politely declined. I was shocked that no one around her even knew who she was. Then again, they may have been distracted by the crazy-ass dominatrix comedienne brandishing a whip just a few feet away. Again, my camera skills were subpar that day.

Finally, at around 10 AM, the auditions began. I was allowed to tag along with Kevan into the Improv. And to prove it, I even took this dorky photo (trust me, the blur was highly welcomed on my part). Anyway, that woman next to Kevin in the leopard print coat -- she's a tranny. She wouldn't talk to anyone all night, and then she stepped into the audition room and was all "I'M A TRANNY!" It was amusing. Alas, she didn't make the cut. And neither did Kevan, sadly. Oh well. It was still a fun time -- at least for me. But that's because I didn't sleep on the sidewalk.

Posted by at 10:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (21)

Now that the summer months are upon us and the networks are about to fill us with reruns and crappy series that won't get picked up for the fall, it's time to narrow down your priorities. Do you spend a little time in the yard? Perhaps join the family on a vacation? Maybe pick up a good book or two and reacquaint yourself with your brain? Those are all good choices, but if you cared about any of them, you wouldn't be visiting TVgasm. We're here to talk about what we like to talk about the most - trashy TV. My friends, there is nothing more trashy than taking 24 Bunim-Murray projects, sending them to Australia, and watching as they tear each other apart for money. Yes folks, it's the Real World/ Road Rules Challenge: Fresh Meat, and if the first episode is any indication, it's going to leave us very satisfied this summer.

I have to be honest. A lot of people, myself included, originally thought that this was a desperate grab to inject some life into this series. I'm not sure if the people who thought up of this idea were desperate or not, but I hope to one day thank them because the premise looks to be a winner. Take twelve Bunim-Murray characters who think they are the greatest things in the world because they've thrown up or had sex on camera and pair them with twelve new cast members desperate to become famous for throwing up or having sex on camera. Have them fight over some money ($250,000 for the winning team - the most in challenge history), and that's really all you need.

As we started out, our favorite mop-haired meathead Theo immediately disparages the new contestants, complaining that these people are invading his workplace. After all, he wouldn't try to go to their job and try to out-latte them! Oh snap! You, GO girlfriend. That was so funny and you delivered the line so naturally, I had NO idea whatsoever that somebody else wrote that line for you and had you film that segment after the fact.

But as much fun as it is to make fun of the "Alumni", as they are called on the show, it is the fresh meat where we have our real fun. First of all, we get Evan, who immediately evokes memories of The Miz. As an added bonus, he's Canadian. He states that he's young and stupid and very good at making bad decisions. Chances that he takes Mike's place as the goofy and charming meathead comedian? I'd say about 99 percent.

And then there is the girl whose name is Diem. Yes, Diem! Poor girl, she probably is the wet dream of every Latin major in the country (and since I was a Classics minor, I can make fun of all of you!). I can just see the pick-up line now "Hey baby, you can call me Horace, because I want to seize the day." And if you thought that was funny, you probably need to look at some porn.

I can't go into the specifics of every single bit of Fresh Meat, but before I move on to the details of this episode, I have to mention Ryan. With his Chris Cornell soul patch and his Ice Cube bandana, it makes me feel like I'm watching MTV in 1994 all over again. This guy must LOVE Eric Neiss.

As soon as the Fresh Meat arrived, they had to complete a bunch of agility drills. Why? Because they were about to be drafted. Each member of the alumni team had to pick a member of the Fresh Meat of the opposite sex to be his or her partner for the entire Challenge. When you think about it, this is great. Each person has a sort of a mentor, although I hesitate to use that word when Tonya or Tina is involved, and it means that there will be more rivalries than Alumni vs. Fresh Meat all season. By the way, what was Tina talking about when she said that the Alumnus would be at a disadvantage because they were old and out of shape after too much drinking all of these years? Isn't that exactly how she came to us during Road Rules South Pacific? Why is she trying to blame the ugly on age?

Danny got the first pick and he chose Ev, and Coral followed that up by picking Evan. Darrell picked Aviv (not sure if her middle name is Tel) and Tonya picked Johnnie, the buff black guy who looks like a crazy version of Tracy Morgan who has been hitting the gym and not the snicker's bars. Theo picked Chanda, Tina picked Kenny, Wes picked Casey, Johanna picked Jesse, Derrick picked Diem, Katie picked Eric (the first fat guy experiment since the disastrous episode we call Darnell[sorry, that is Donnell - thanks jfazz]), Melinda picked Ryan, and Shane was left with Linnette.

After our host, TJ Lavin explains the particulars of the game; everybody gets a look at their house for the first time. If you've seen any Real World house in the last several years, you probably have a good idea of what to expect. Some beer pong over here, a fat guy doing a cannon ball over there, and all of the people immediately trying to size each other up.

The purpose of being on this show is to be as confrontational and outspoken as possible within the limits of good taste, but for the Fresh Meat, you could tell that they knew they were second-class citizens. Danny and Wes, not happy with the sleeping arrangements, even kicked some of the Fresh Meat out of their bedroom so the two of them could be with Melinda and Johanna.

We all expected the people from the Austin cast were going to suck, and they did not disappoint. Wes is talking about how much he loves Johanna. I wish that he had instead taken a look at his website and perhaps fallen in love with some grammar and common sense. But what about Melinda? We can always count on her to say something moving and profound, like "It's like I'm on a vacation with Danny." Let's see, you fly to a foreign country with your significant other and are being paid to be there. I know Theo called it his job, but for the rest of us, that is EXACTLY what a vacation is. I could have used a vacation myself, perhaps from Danny and his stupid hats.

You were probably as THRILLED as I was to hear that the people from the Austin cast were being targeted early in the game. It was hilarious to watch Wes and Danny act like they own the place, but it was even better to watch a professional get it done. Danny read the first clue out loud, and he finished it off by saying you had to stand tall withy our partner, but since he is from Boston and hardcore, it sounded more like paahhhhhtnuh. Immediately, Coral called him out for having such a stupid accent.

You see, this is also the first Challenge for everybody from the Austin cast, and the rest of the Alums weren't going to let them into the inner circle any quicker than the so-called "Fresh Meat". So when Wes, who showed up with a mohawk that really enhances both his pasty complexion and his intellect, tells his partner Casey that she should stay away from "anybody you saw in middle school", it's great to see that he is saying it without realizing the wonderful irony in that statement. I might have thought Ev was naive for saying things like "this isn't the smartest bunch of people", "I'll be calling the shots", and "things will work out the way I want them to", but Wes was just BEGGING for a reality check.

So the first challenge came up, and it was OK, but the drama really doesn't come with who finishes first, but rather who has to worry about going home. The challenge took place on the "tallest residential building in the world", although a simple Google search tells me that I didn't have to use quotes around that statement. Each team would be strapped to each other, back to back, walk 25 ft on a wooden platform off the side of the building, do a 360-degree turn, and then come back. The team with the fastest time would be immune from "Exile", which is like the Inferno or Gauntlet.

For some reason, this challenge reminded me of The Amazing Race

Although they tried to make this task seem really scary with people talking about how they "feared for their lives" or "couldn't imagine doing this with somebody they have just met and don't trust", not to mention Casey who said she might pee herself, the big drama was with the order in which the teams had to complete their task. Despite what some people say, having strategy is a big part of this game, but seeing as most of the people on this challenge couldn't find their own asses using both hands, the only real strategy you see is "try not to be first and watch what everybody else is doing".

Coral and Evan won the luck of the draw and got to pick first for this game. Since everybody wants the Austin kids to suffer, Coral and Evan put Danny, Wes, Johanna, and Melinda near the front. There wasn't a lot of wind and the platform was pretty wide, so a lot of teams appeared to have really quick runs.

In the end, it was Coral and Evan who came out on top. Evan really is a beast and he will be tough to beat physically, especially when Coral is playing the mental game. As winners, they got to pick the first team sent into Exile, and they chose Wes and Casey. It was a real blow to Wes, but he had a master plan. The rest of the teams would be voting for the second team to go into Exile, and as long as Wes was going up against somebody weaker than him, he would have a good shot.

Time for some strategery, don't you think?

Wes' master plan was to go against Shane because, you know, gay people are weaker and guys with mohawks can never be wrong. But picking on Shane because his wrist was a little limp was not going to be enough for Wes, even if he got all of his friends to vote for Shane and Linnette, he was going to need a few more votes to protect himself. He needs to make a deal with somebody trustworthy and won't go behind his back. Hmmm. Who could that be? Of course!

TONYA!

Stupid Wes, he made a deal with Tonya. He told her to vote Shane or else they would come after her. She gave her word, but even Danny was smart enough to know that a promise from Tonya isn't worth that crisp one dollar bill Johnny Fairplay uses to do lines off of her cooter. Wes slaps his head in disgust, and moments later, Tonya is letting everybody know about his master plan.

I felt bad for Tonya for like two minutes when she started talking about how she doesn't want the game to be about manipulation and lying. She probably thought that with new partners and a whole bunch of new characters she might actually have a chance at getting off to a new start. But this is the Challenge, and we don't pay to see fair, so I am not sure who she is kidding.

As I said before, the Austin kids were being targeted, and while Wes was campaigning to get people to vote for Shane, Derrick told everybody about the plan to make sure that Wes would not go unpunished. In retaliation for trying to vote out Shane, the rest of the people were going to vote Danny and Ev into Exile, pitting the two best friends against each other.

Now, the plan might have been to vote for Shane, but the voting was oral, and even though Coral and Evan weren't there to cause trouble (winners of the challenge can't participate in the decision to put the second team into exile since they were already responsible for one team being sent there), Shane and Linnette let it be known that they were going to vote for Danny and Ev as retaliation against the Austin cast. Theo and Chanda are next, and they aren't down with the entire "Fuck Austin" mentality and vote Johnnie and Tonya into exile because they had the worst time.

Now, instead of sticking to the plan and voting for Shane, Melinda sees an opportunity and votes for Tonya and Johnnie as well. It looks like it is going to be close vote between Tonya and Johnnie and Danny and Ev when it comes time for Johanna to vote. Even though the plan had obviously changed, Johanna decided that she was going to vote for Shane and Linnette just like Wes told her to, all but removing any chance she had of perhaps saving Danny from having to go into exile as well.

After the final votes were counted, it turned out that Johanna's decision would not have made a difference, but you never know what could have happened if they had only stuck to the plan. Danny was absolutely furious. After explaining that it took a lot to get him mad, Danny let Johanna have it. Umm, did Danny realize that we were all watching the Austin season? It takes a lot to get him mad? Like when he got in that fight and came home and blamed Nehemiah for not having his back when Nehemiah was not anywhere near the scene? Or when he broke up with his girlfriend because she joked that it might be fun to shag Prince William? Or when he went to American Eagle and the only hats they had left had full-size brims? The only thing it takes Danny to get mad is, well, Danny.

With Danny and Wes pegged to battle in Exile, the only thing that could save one of them would be to win the challenge the next day. The game was called bush whacked and it put all of the teams on raised wooden platforms. A medicine ball would be swinging around and they would have to try and knock each other off and you could also be eliminated if you held onto the ball for more than three seconds.

Again, nobody cared who won, we all just wanted to make sure that both Danny and Wes lost. Things got started off well when Danny, who doesn't get mad very easily, got knocked off early and immediately threw a temper tantrum. After four people were eliminated, the remaining teams placed themselves on higher posts. When another four teams were eliminated, they moved up to even higher posts, and I was starting to get worried because Wes made it to the final round.

Fortunately, all of my anxieties were put to rest when Wes was eliminated. Now you would think that it would be a nice relaxing time for the remaining teams now that there was no worry that any of them would be going to Exile, but that was not the case. Johnnie and Tonya were still in contention, and Johnnie doesn't like to lose. He and Tonya started arguing because he thought that Tonya was giving up, but she was screaming that wasn't the case.

In the end, Tonya got hit and the head, and although we would imagine she is used to the donkey punch, this knocked her off the platform. It looked like Johnnie was so disgusted that he simply threw Tonya off, but my interpretation is that he actually tried to save her, but when he tried to grab hold of her, he only got a handful of boob. Worried that he would get some herpes or kidney stones, he took his hand away and Tonya fell on her ass. I would normally call Johnnie a jerk, but since this is Tonya, I kind of think that I should blame her for getting in the way.

Besides Wes, Danny, Melinda and Johanna, everybody was fine with the Exile teams and was actually bummed that they couldn't watch. Eventually, they all decided that it would be just as much fun to get drunk instead.

Danny and Ev, Wes and Casey were taken to the secret Exile location, where they learned of their task. When they arrived in Australia, everybody had their bags weighed. It seemed strange at first, but we soon learned the reasoning behind it all. Each team was going to have to carry they weight of all of their bags through the Exile course.

Right away, Casey was worried, because she had packed a lot more weight than Ev. Isn't it cute when they are so young and innocent? Casey didn't realize that she is now with Bunim-Murray and you can always count on somebody being dumber than you. Danny had decided to pack a lot of Melinda's things with him, meaning his bags alone were 103 pounds, or just ten pounds less than the combined totals of Danny and Ev.

By the way, kudos to the producers. Now that all future Challenge contestants will be worried about the weight of their bags, it will be much easier to force lots of sponsored clothing on the contestants.

It might have looked like Wes and Casey would run away with it, but this Exile had two puzzles. Now we know that puzzles are like kryptonite for most of the teams, and Wes was not wasting any time sticking around to solve them, but I liked the idea that intelligence could actually help these people. I mean, if you can get a gorilla to do sign language, a few mind teasers shouldn't be a problem, right?

Well, the first mind teaser was simple enough, and Danny and Ev even finished it, but it only took one minute off of their time, which wasn't enough to make up for the time it took them to finish. They chased after Wes and Casey, who had made it to the second puzzle, but had already decided to skip that as well.

Danny and Ev got tot he second puzzle and decided it was worth a shot, but they were disqualified after Ev didn't follow the instructions. And it's too bad because the reward for the second puzzle was to drive all the way to the finish line.

Wow, that could have been such an exciting finish, but instead we had to believe the editing that showed Wes and Casey struggling and Danny and Ev were close behind. We cut to a shot of the house at night. Everybody is wondering who is coming home, and it's Wes and Casey that come out of the truck.

One Austin asswipe gone, three more left to go.

So what happened on the Exile? Nothing much. Danny basically gave up after he saw that he couldn't win. He even dropped his bags at one point and let Ev carry them all herself. That wasn't as bad as Danny's speech saying that it was "the worst feeling in the world" because he would be leaving Melinda.

I guess chivalry is dead

Uh, I don't want to be a jerk or anything, but did he not get ANY perspective while he was in Austin? Is being eliminated first and getting paid for it all that much worse than having to have facial surgery or, I don't know, you're mom dying suddenly while you are out of town? And of course Melinda was no better. She spent all of her time crying herself to sleep in bed saying that it is the worst feeling because it's like she "lost Danny forever". Do these people hear the words that are coming out of their mouths?

You have probably figured out that I really loved this whole episode. Yes, it does suck when teams gang up on other people, but there are a lot of ways that individual performances play a part in the game that I think a lot more people have the chance to do well. I might have been a little more concerned about fairness, but after Wes and Danny walked in, acting like they owned the place, kicking other people out of their own bedrooms, I've decided they got what they deserver. Maybe if they weren't such assholes, people wouldn't target them.

When Wes and Casey came back, they lied about what actually happened in the Exile. I guess it is a decent enough strategy to keep people in the dark, and by the looks of it, Exile challenges will be different each week, but I was really hoping for the chance to see the look on Melinda's face when she realized it was all of her stupid luggage that held back her boyfriend.

I guess Danny won't be the "butt" of any more jokes this season

Whatever I lost when Melinda was kept in the dark about the challenge, I gained back with Evan's going away gift to Danny. In order to make Wes feel better, he decided to let him staple the letters D-A-N-N-Y onto his own ass. Now, not taking into account he homoerotic nature of stapling the name of your best friend onto another guy's backside, I guess it was good therapy for Wes, and taught all of us that Evan wasn't lying when he said he was great at making bad decisions.

And that's it for this week's episode. I am sorry it was so long, I just had a lot of things to explain, and it was the rare one-hour episode treat. I am happy to announce that it looks like this will be a great season. The previews gave us a look into future episodes, including a possible hospitalization for Coral and Derrick's attempts at initiating some of the girls into the wonderful world that is the Bunim-Murray Valtrex plan.

No seriously, what is that?

What did you think of the episode? Who are your favorite "Fresh Meat"? What is your favorite pairing? Who do you think will win?

Posted by at 1:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (55)

Wow. Talk about a disturbing cliffhanger. We've seen our fair share of final challenge cliffhangers on The Apprentice -- bailing celebrities, inclement weather, more bailing celebrities -- but last night's twist was completely unexpected. In fact, I'd say it was totally random. And gross. And scary. I almost felt like I was watching the first five minutes of House. It was such a strange turn of events that I nearly forgot about Lee's head-scratching personnel picks for his final team. Basically, everything was kind of weird and nutty on this penultimate episode. Even the placement of the show itself -- Memorial Day, four days after the normal television season had ended -- seemed oddly distracting. I mean, all the other reality shows have long since wrapped up, and here we are, still plugging away with The Apprentice. The show's like a fifth year senior. Or that really lame guy who stays at the party entirely too long. That's not to say that I want this wonderful season to end. It's just that after American Idol wraps up, all other finales feel a bit... anticlimactic. Especially when the remaining contestants (cough, Lee, cough, Sean) are on the (very) lame side.

We started last night's episode with a neat little recap of Roxanne and Allie's demise. For those of you who may have forgotten, both women went into the Boardroom last week as friends and then quickly devolved into two bickering harpies, trying to claw out each other's eyes and gain favor with The Donald. Unfortunately, Trump was dismayed by the flagrant disloyalty these best buds showed each other, and so he simply swung the axe extra wide and sent both of them packing (swinging axes? Packed bags? Sorry, metaphors must be mixed for such a momentous occasion).

Anyway, after the recap was over, we caught up with Sean and Lee waiting in the suite for one of the girls to return (heh, they're not going to return, suckahs!). I couldn't help wondering whether or not Trump would be ascending to the living quarters to deliver the good news (as he had done last season post-Felish/Alla firing). It didn't look like such a visit would be in store. That's probably because Trump had all the respect for Randal and Rebecca, two of the best finalists ever, as opposed to Lee and Sean, two of the very worst.

Tired of strumming his fingers on the table, Sean finally made a bold proclamation. "You know what?" he said to Lee, "I'm just going to eat because I'm hungry, and I really don't care to wait for them. I really don't care!" He then added, "Plus, I really want to start my nightly Notting Hill screening early this evening." Okay, he didn't say that, but he did get all fussy as he fixed himself some dinner. We then saw Lee already chomping down on some food. That's right, Lee. Oops! Somebody forgot to wait!

The opening credits rolled, and then when returned to the suite where the guys were still eating dinner. Suddenly, the phone rang. What? The phone was ringing? It never rings at night! The guys stared at it as if it were some awful omen of things to come. Maybe it was the killer from Scream! HE'S IN THE NEXT ROOM! (Oh, how I would have loved for some Jiffy-Pop to explode at that moment!)

Okay, okay. There were no stalkers or murderers or people seeking vengeance on Sydney Prescott. Instead, it was dearest Robin requesting the men's presence down in the Boardroom. Tea and crumpets would be served. No, they wouldn't be. I don't know why I said that. (But if this were Martha's Apprentice, I'm sure it could have been arranged). Well, even though this call had nothing to do with any sort of horror villain, the guys certainly became scared nonetheless. They had no idea why they had to go back downstairs, and as they freaked out, we suddenly saw Sean in an idiotic black turtleneck, black blazer outfit. Shut up, SPROCKETS.

I didn't realize this was The Apprentice: Bob Fosse.

"He's probably going to ask us who we think should be fired," Lee predicted as he rushed back into his suit. Oh irony! Nevertheless, the guys were not happy about this because they knew one thing: going into the Boardroom was never a good thing. Still, they hustled out the front door (even though Lee still hadn't put on his tie) and headed down to the Boardroom where Trump greeted them like a giant, happy Buddha.

"Generally speaking, the Boardroom is not a place where you want to be," The Donald said. Being in a place where, generally speaking, you don't want to be is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY! Sorry. I just had to.

Nevertheless, Trump continued: "But tonight, it's a little bit different. I congratulate you both. I fired Roxanne. I fired Allie. You are the final two. So that's really a great achievement. It's an amazing achievement." He then added, "It's possibly the greatest achievement in man's history. Therefore, I shall call it Trump Achievement."

After some goofy grins by Sean and Lee, Trump then told the guys that he wanted them to go back upstairs, look at the candidates who've been fired, each pick three of them, and form a team. The Donald then promised, "I'm going to give you the hardest task you've had so far." Yes, they'd have to be Melania's wet nurses. Commence suckling NOW!

Sadly, the wet-nurse thing was just a hopeful guess that would later turn out to be wrong (Blast!). We wouldn't get to hear what the big challenge would be until later. In the meantime, Trump sent the boys out of the Boardroom, which meant Lee could once again ingratiate himself like the Grade A kiss-ass we know him to be. "I'm up for the challenge, Mr. Trump," he said, just before walking out the door. God, SHUT UP!

"Good, just get out of here," Trump said, waving him off. Before I could even say it, Donald then added, "Frickin' politician, LEE!" Ha, EXACTLY.

The men then stepped into the elevator, and as the doors closed, we saw Sean do that fist-pumping / air-punching / mini-dance he's prone to doing. I don't know if he's named the move yet, but I personally call it "THE MOST ANNOYING THING EVER."

The guys then returned to the suite, and surprise, surprise -- the whole gang was there; every fired candidate smiling and cheering (and secretly driving needles into their imaginary voodoo dolls). Lee and Sean were surprised to say the least, and as they hugged all their fallen comrades, Lee asked, "How did everyone get so good looking all of a sudden?" Well, not you Brent. Although, that four bagel diet has been working wonders... for the sales at the local bagel shop.

"Someone please save me from Brent. Please..."

Well, no reunion would be complete without Sean waxing romantically about all the great virtues of laptop bag impresario Tammy. It was all gushing, all the time from Sean, and I don't think I was the only one in America who yelled "SHUT UP" at the TV. Actually, I didn't yell that, but I thought it really hard. For me, the only love story I cared to watch was between Lee and Lenny. "I love you so much," The Russian told Lee at one point, adding, "I ride in blimp for you." Okay, he didn't say that last part (although, I totally believe he would).

The camera then panned over to Allie and Roxanne, who were still obviously bitter about their firing -- oh, about twenty minutes ago. Hey, weren't they supposed to be in a cab? Did they just take it for a ride around the block before coming back? Don't tell me this scene was filmed at a later date and time!

Anyway, after the commercial break, the two finalists began the dirty business of assembling their teams. Of course, Sean wanted Tammy (probably so he could address her as "Love" as many times as possible), but here's a little surprise: he also wanted Andrea too. Yes, the oft-maligned control-freak who's never afraid to boast about her sticker empire. I didn't think she would make Sean's team, but then again, it wasn't the worst choice out there either. But what of that last spot? Brent surely campaigned for it in his awkward, annoying way. Tarek did too, and remember Dan? He made quite the impassioned plea. "I want to be a king maker at this point," he said. Apparently he had given up on his previous dream of being The Freshmaker.

Oh, and no scene of ass-kissing could ever be complete without some grade-A bullshit courtesy of Allie. "Not that it matters," she said, "but I do want to be your lifelong friend. I do mean that." Yes, I'm sure she means that with all her heart. In other news, Allie has NO HEART.

Tarek then campaigned for himself some more, saying, "I think the best example of my work ethic is that I worked at McDonalds for two years starting out, and then I worked at a sewage treatment plant for three summers." Great. So if this final challenge has to do with McDonalds and a sewage treatment plant, you'll be perfect!

Believe it or not, it looked like this little speech may have won over Sean. It certainly worked wonders on Andrea, who believed she and Tarek were the smartest people there anyway. I'm not sure if that's saying much about this pool of candidates. Anyway, Sean redirected some gushiness away from Tammy for half a second to praise Orlando Bloom, er, Tarek. "I even admire the swagger that you have. That very cheeky charm," Sean said. Uh, was he hitting on him? Tammy might want to up her game a bit.

Meanwhile, when it came to Lee's team, I had a sense that no one really wanted to work for him. After all, who wants to slave away for a young kid who kisses ass at every corner? Of course, this didn't stop Allie from cooing about Lee's wonderful tie selection. Beware the living Cabbage Patch Doll! Anyway, Lee took Lenny aside first, which we knew could only lead to disaster. As the two settled down on a couch, Lenny said, "You know what? Nobody better than me. You know that." Oh Lenny. How we've missed you so. Lee then bounced some team member ideas off of Lenny, and in the end, who did The Russian officially endorse? Pepi. Wait, what? Pepi? You've got to be kidding me. For those of you who don't even remember who Pepi is, he was the guy who was fired after he was unable to contain the ever so scary Stacy/Brent flare up. I don't know why Lenny wanted the guy -- maybe he liked his high voice and funny accent -- but Lee didn't question it. He took on Pepi with the hopes that he'd be an intensely loyal and hard worker. And if Pepi tried to screw him over, don't worry. Lenny had Lee's back. "I wasn't born yesterday," Lenny warned Pepi. Great. Way to instill fear into the team. They'll love that.

But what about that third person? Who would it be? Lee suggested nearly everyone to Lenny, but The Russian had a list of reasons why each person would be a horrible fit. I really couldn't tell who Lee was going to take. Later, we found Lenny talking to Theresa about Lee's decision, and annoyed that Lenny was taking such a consigliere role, Brent interjected and snidely asked, "Did he pick? I'm sorry, I just want to know." But of course, this was Brent, which meant he was unilaterally ignored, causing him to walk away quietly. Oh Brent. It was a nice attempt at passive aggression, but you really should just stick to your bagels. You can always be their Project Manager.

Finally, Lee and Sean revealed their picks to the group. Sean officially chose Andrea, Tammy, and Tarek. Lee picked Lenny, Pepi (why? why?), and Roxanne. Kind of an odd choice at the end there. Didn't really see that coming. And with that, Allie suddenly piped up and said, "Best of luck." Translation: "I hope you all die, motherf-ckers!!!"

Well, we weren't the only ones who thought Lee's team was a bit, uh, odd. Sean was fairly confused too. "Pepi left in the second week. I'm surprised that Lee even knows Pepi's name," he said, and for once, I had to agree with him. I mean, Pepi? It just makes no sense at all.

The next day, the phone rang in the suite, and it was none other than Rhona on the line. She employed her best Naughty Secretary voice and gave the teams orders to meet Trump downstairs. This then led to a montage of morning activity, including Roxanne brushing her teeth. No offense to Roxanne, but she just is not the most photogenic tooth brusher out there. Anyway, as both teams headed downstairs, Sean once again caused groans all around as he told us, "By the end of this task, I hope to have the job, the girl, and a brand new life ahead of me." If he proposes to Tammy at the live finale, that will just be too entirely lame. Worst Rob & Amber copycats EVER!

Well, the teams all walked by Robin, and for whatever reason, everyone decided today would be the day to give Robin a hearty hello. She must have been so excited -- almost as much as the time she got to catch Trump's jacket on last season's finale show. As the people then filed into the Boardroom, Trump couldn't help but be a tad surprised with the teams. "Roxanne, it hasn't been too long," he said, adding "And who are these other people? Pepi? Are you the doorman?" Okay, he didn't say that, but George and Carolyn did smile at the team selection with mild shock. I'm sure they too never thought they'd see Lenny, Tarek, and Pepi again.

Trump then talked to everyone, and Lenny said with his typical growly voice, "I want him [Lee] to win with all my heart. We're just going to bury them so deep, you know. Nobody will ever find them the next twenty years." Sadly, I think he really meant that. He's already got a hole dug out in Siberia for them.

Anyway, this season's big final challenges were once again centered on event planning. One person would manage a Pontiac Barenaked Ladies concert at the Trump Taj Mahal to benefit the WWF (World Wildlife Foundation, that is). Another person would be managing the Pontiac Celebrity Hockey Game for America's Bravest, which was Dennis Leary's firefighter foundation. Oh, and in a lovely co-inky-dink, Dennis Leary's show, Rescue Me kicked off its third season this week! Lovely!

Trump then talked a bit about the America's Bravest charity, saying, "I'm not brave, to be honest with you. I'd make a lousy firefighter. George, I guarantee you, is not brave. He's a good lawyer, but brave he's not. He's brave with his mouth, right George?" I half expected George to reply, "Back in my day, you had to be brave with your mouth. You couldn't run a soda jerk with a cowardly mouth. You had to be brave!"

Well, Lee said that he wanted to run the Barenaked Ladies concert, causing Trump to comment, "I would always like to work with bare naked Ladies... Bare naked ladies sounds good to me!" Bare naked ladies are a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!!! Actually, they probably are. Yay porn!

"Oh Donald. You are indomitable!"

Unfortunately for Sean, he too wanted the concert, but that was okay, Lee quickly switched to the hockey event, or "ice skating" as Trump called it. So that was settled. The teams then left the Boardroom, and as the doors closed, Carolyn suddenly burst out laughing. "Who's the guy on the far right?" she asked, referring to Pepi. Amazingly, Trump didn't know. He had to refer to some sort of sheet on his table. Literally, none of them could remember when he was even fired. And it wasn't that they'd simply forgotten his name. They didn't even recognize him. "'Pepi, you're fired.' Did I say that?" Trump asked. Okay, when I was joking before about Trump not remembering who Pepi was, I didn't actually expect him not to remember who Pepi was.

It wouldn't be a season without one uncontrollable laugh-attack by Carolyn.

We then went to commercial where we received the umpteenth update about this week's Apprentice texting sweepstakes. Since no one would be fired this week, the question was the significantly less quantifiable, "Who's chosen the better team?" Amazingly, 58% of the voters believed that Lee had picked a better team. Did they not see Pepi and Lenny? What was everyone thinking?

When we came back from the break, we caught up with Synergy (a.k.a. Sean's group) at the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City. This wasn't what I'd call a totally fascinating segment. We watched the team meet, talk with execs, and ponder all the moving parts. Great. Over at Gold Rush, the team was meeting with a large woman named Liz, who worked at Dennis Leary's company. She was in charge of dealing with the charity, and off the getgo, we could tell she'd be a difficult ballbuster. She was very unimpressed with Lee's big ideas for the fundraiser, which pretty much centered around auctions. Lee tried to improvise some spectacular prizes like a yacht ride around Manhattan, but yeah, Liz was not that impressed. Look, all he needed to do was offer up an all-you-can-eat buffet, and Liz would have been happy. Oh, I KID! I KID!

"IIII'm LIZ!"

Eventually, Liz said, "If you want to throw together a keg of beer, nobody's really interested in doing that."

"Really. Okay. Wow," Lee replied. Wait, was he seriously considering that? A keg of beer for the event? I sure hope that wasn't one of Pepi's ideas.

Liz then said, "You've been to the website, right?" To which everyone said "Oh yes." Translation: "No. We've never been."

Lee then told us in an interview, "You know what? If I don't know every detail going into these meetings, I'm fine with that as long as I learn." Yeah, who needs details? I'm sure Lee will be just fine...

Ultimately, Gold Rush left the meeting with Liz, but not before she said, "Good luck. You're going to need it." Shut up, LIZ. You're the one who decided to leave your event in the hands of reality stars (who'd only have one day to plan it out anyway).

Enchanting.

We then headed over to Chelsea Piers which is where the hockey event would be taking place. Roxanne was all atwitter about the celebrity roster. Showing up would be Jason Priestley, Michael J. Fox, and luminous actress of stage and screen, Jaime Pressly. Wonderful. We then saw Lee meeting with the Pontiac execs, and after taking them around the rink and whatnot, he then tried see what they could contribute to the fundraiser. Lee and Pepi mentioned something about matching funds, but then they got sidetracked when Lee asked if Pontiac would allow Dennis Leary to auction off two cars in between periods.

"Two cars?" the execs said. They so didn't want to do it, but with the cameras trained on them and the presence of Liz and her charity lurking in the air, they begrudgingly said yes.

"Don't screw it up!" the bald exec said. Seriously, he was NOT happy about this. Shut up, stingy executive! Afterwards, the other Pontiac rep told the camera that they might have entertained the idea of matching funds, but Lee became so preoccupied with the car auction that it was all sort of lost. As a result, he missed out on what could have been an important angle. Oops! Liz will be furious.

Ah, rampant enthusiasm from Pontiac!

Over at Synergy, we found Sean gushing over "Tam's" ideas, which weren't particularly special. He decided that he and "Tam" would go meet with the head of catering for the hotel, and while they did that, Tarek and Andrea met with a Pontiac exec. The program suddenly ground to a halt as we sat through thirty seconds of blatant Pontiac shilling (oooh! Look at all those features! A hardtop convertible! Thrilling!). Finally, we cut back to Sean and Tammy overseeing the menu, and wouldn't you know it? Sean was still smitten with Tammy! "I'd be in there like swimwear if I had the opportunity," he said, producing one of the more labored sexual comments of the evening.

Meanwhile, Tarek and Andrea finally shut up about the damn Pontiacs and got down to business. Like Synergy, they too managed to squeeze out two free cars, but this time for a raffle. I have to say, this exec was much cooler than the ones that visited Synergy. Then again, it's much easier handing over two free cars to Tarek and Andrea, who at least give off a vague appearance of professionalism as opposed to Lee and Pepi, who come off as an overeager kid with his goofy sidekick. Kind of like Spongebob and Patrick.

Anyway, I assumed that everything was going just dandy on Synergy, but then Tarek spoke up that it was sort of poor form that Sean had opted to choose menu items instead of meet with a major executive/sponsor. Oops! Tarek was kind of right about that! Then again, he may have just been bitter than he didn't get to spend his afternoon amongst crème brûlées and light apértifs.

We then went to commercial, and holy reversal! America now thought that Sean had the better team. 69% to 31%. It's about time people caught on.

Back at Gold Rush, Carolyn stopped by to quietly pass judgment and instill fear into the hearts of all the workers. Lee noted how surprised he was that the celebrities would require so much attention, causing Carolyn to say that she was surprised that Lee was surprised. She then told us, "Lee is definitely taking a laid back approach to this entire task. I don't think he's really displaying good leadership abilities. He just thinks the event is going to run itself." Uh oh. The Ice Queen strikes again!

And then the worst possible thing happened: Liz called, and let me tell you something. She already had an attitude. Yes, with Carolyn right there, Liz began harping on Lee about what the hell the event plan was. Not that she wasn't entitled to. I think I too would be a bit concerned after that first meeting with Lee. Nevertheless, the team's fearless leader told Liz, "We're going to set up a silent auction." Then, as if a stunning idea had just popped into his brain, Lee then said, "Actually, you know what we're going to do?"

"I don't think you know what you're going to do," Liz replied. Oh, snap! That was a total Liz Zing! Or as I like to call it, a Lizzing. By the way, don't mind all this, Carolyn. Lee's got everything under control...

Nevertheless, Liz continued to single-handedly ruin Lee's shot at the Apprenticeship. "You don't want to make excuses to a person who's done this even for five years... I'm not feeling very comfortable right now at all," she said. You just knew Carolyn was totally relishing this. Nevertheless, Liz announced that she was coming down to Chelsea Piers so she could walk through the event in person. Oh great. One problem: Gold Rush was completely unprepared for this. Roxanne even feared that Liz would be so upset that she might just pull out. Yeah, fat chance. No sponsor or non-profit is gonna pull away from nationally televised free publicity.

We then headed over to Synergy, and just when we were thinking that Sean had this one in the bag, disaster struck. Andrea approached Tammy and said, "I can't even say it without crying. I have to go to the doctor. I've been coughing up blood." Good god! She's caught tuberculosis! She has consumption!

Tammy's response? Eh. Completely unfazed. How could she not be totally alarmed? Andrea was coughing up blood! Oh, and in case that wasn't bad enough, her nose suddenly started to bleed too. This was so first five minutes of House. What the hell was wrong with her? Did she have some strange disease? Had she come in contact with any illegally imported animals from Africa?

"Coughing up blood is not good," Andrea said. Uh, no. It's not. Anyway, Tammy may have been unsympathetic to Andrea's plight, but at least Sean seemed sincerely rattled. He said that she didn't even have a cold. It just happened randomly. Oh god. This was actually sort of scary. And disturbing. What the hell was going on? The hour ended with Andrea walking out of the casino, crying nervously all the way. I am totally unhinged. Can that happen to me? Will she die? Wow.

What did you think about this episode? Who has the better shot at winning? Sean minus Andrea? Or Lee with the headaches of Liz?

Posted by at 12:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (39)

Feeling bored at the office? Looking for new sites to visit? Well, my friend Anna has just started up a blog called Annalytical that you might want to check out. Anna is a journalist and author, and she's also been appearing on Attack of the Show recently as a relationship expert. Plus, we babble about reality TV from time to time on Reality Remix. Anyway, she's cool; so help her stats and check out the site.

Posted by at 4:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

The Apprentice, 5/29/06, NBC

Choosing a random person for your final team is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!

Posted by at 4:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

It's been a week since the last Real World episode; so clearly, this recap is going up late. There's a reason, of course. In case everyone forgot, last week was pure craziness with American Idol, and then once that was over, well, it was time for a three-day weekend, and I really couldn't discipline myself enough to write a single sentence let alone a full recap. Hence, my litany of excuses for the day.

Anyhow, don't let my tardiness be any indication of how much I enjoyed this episode. It was quite fun, if for no other reason because this cast's most forgettable roommates -- Jose and Janelle -- suddenly emerged from their state of dormancy and thrashed at each other. It was a nice change from the usual Paula/Svetlana/Tyler/John drama. I like to think of it as an episode that cleansed the palate. Sort of like lemon sorbet at a fancy restaurant -- except with more attitude.

The show opened up on what could only be a wonderful harbinger of things to come: Janelle bragging about being a bitch. Yes, in the "Previously on The Real World" segment, Janelle was talking about how she has such an intimidating personality and some people can't handle that and whatnot. I love when people think being an asshole is a virtue. And I love it when they wind up on The Real World. Anyway, other things we learned from this little sequence was that the huge tanning salon grand opening we witnessed last week (the one with that extravagant cardboard sign) was only the soft opening. Turns out the gang was still moving forward on plans for their tanning salon bonanza, but what would they be? I seemed to remember Zach saying something about a marching band several episodes ago, but if I were them, I'd just put Paula in a cage, get her drunk, and have her scream at all the bystanders. It would be like a freak show, and everyone loves those, right? You don't? Well, KISS MY ASS!!!

Anyway, the credits rolled, and then we saw Jose talking about how he was going to step up in the household. And let me tell you something, very few things are as exciting as Jose's call to action. Braveheart has nothing on Jose and his quiet, monotone statements. Just to prove how much Jose was going to step up, we then found him... sitting in a hammock. Okay. Maybe he'll step up a little later. In the meantime, he was fretting over being an unproductive assistant manager. I can understand his frustration. After all, everyone else has really been incredibly productive. That cardboard sign wasn't made overnight! Nevertheless, I think Jose as assistant manager takes "silent partner" to new levels.

Well, apparently Jose wasn't the only one who'd noticed his ineffectual productivity. Turns out that Janelle thought he was slacking a bit, and so in the car, she asked Zach how Jose had been as an assistant manager. Zach replied that he'd been taking over all the Grand Opening responsibilities, leaving Jose with not much to do. This then led to Zach telling us how scared he was of taking on too many tasks, a dilemma that quite frankly no one really cared about. Anyway, Janelle reasoned that as long as Jose wasn't doing anything but sitting in hammocks, he might as well help her with marketing. And by "marketing," I mean passing out flyers. Janelle then told us that she didn't really see Jose's part in the role of assistant manager, which is funny because we didn't really see her part in the role of CAST MEMBER.

Nevertheless, apparently the anti-Jose sentiment had been percolating in the household because we then caught up with Paula and Svetlana talking about him and his personality. And honestly, who really talks about Jose? Paula called him insecure, which was one of the more amusing pot-kettle-black moments of the evening. Svetlana then said that Jose's speaking had no meaning, which ironically didn't make much sense, but I was willing to go with it. The two girls then concluded that he ultimately was sort of bland. Were they just discovering this now? It only took the viewing audience about three milliseconds to realize that while Jose might be a really friendly guy, he's sort of the human personification of a water cracker.

Paula then noted, "There's gonna be that one day where he's just gonna let go and be Jose." Hmmm... Don't know what that will be like, but we can only hope it involves lots of finger pointing and him yelling "KISS MY ASS!!! KISS MY GODDAMN ASS!!!."

Svetlana, meanwhile, told Paula, "I want him to be mean. I want him to be funny." So basically, yes -- they want a perfectly normal guy to snap and turn into Tyler. Or did they? Paula then commented, "You don't want to see him mad because it'll take him to a place he never wants to go." A place he never wants to go. Or as Paula calls it, "Tuesday."

We then cut to our resident ticking timebomb Jose as Janelle began harping on him for not working much. Unfortunately, I had to rewind this scene a few times because I was constantly distracted by the sheer power and beauty of Tyler's master painting, "RED GOD." Anyway, with her bitch hat firmly affixed, Janelle told Jose, "I just never see you in action; so what do you do?" Jose looked somewhat pissed at this accusation, and he said, "I'm out of the bubble." Or loop, but whatever. He then explained how everyone's been taking responsibilities and making him look like a slacker, to which Janelle snipped, "You got all defensive over there!" Well, yeah, you DID just attack him rudely. That's like me calling someone an asshole and then saying, "Hey, why are you acting like I just called you an asshole?"

Oh look! Jose's sitting next to RED GOD!

Anyway, with the early signs of chaos brewing, Zach stepped up as the leader and said.... "I'm not getting involved." Great. Way to go, MANAGER.

Janelle then started babbling about marketing and how it was all about focus. I would say "brainpower" too, but then that might disqualify her for the job. Anyway, she announced that she was going to start at the top and hand out flyers to all the local hotels and concierges, or she called them, "Concieres." Apparently the "g" is silent in Idiot-Talk.

Jose then told us that Janelle was a big ol' diva, and I laughed with glee as we heard the early rumblings of a Wallflower Battle Royale.

We then suddenly shifted gears and learned that Tyler's friends would be coming to down. He told us that he was looking forward to some good conversation and "even better laughs." Well, if it's laughs you're looking for, just show them "RED GOD." I guarantee that'll keep them entertained for hours. Anyway, before they arrived, Tyler decided he would play a practical joke on the gang. He would have Janelle answer the door and pretend that there was no Tyler living there. Oh, it would be HILARious! Too bad Janelle was the worst prankster EVER. When Tyler's friends arrived, they saw through the gag in about .04 seconds, making this one of the lamer episode of Punk'd. If Tyler really wanted to goose his friends, he should have just had Paula answer the door and shake a broom at everyone. They'd have been back up in Massachusetts faster than you can say "KISS MY ASS!"

The group then headed off to Fat Tuesdays, and here's a surprise: Paula was refusing shots! Well, that's good. Unfortunately, Tyler's friends were probing her as to why she was denying the efficient droplets of alcoholic goodness. I thought this might turn into teary-eyed drama, but actually, Paula was pretty self-posssesed and told the friends that she just could not do shots. Better yet, she hadn't done shots in two weeks. Yay! We then cut to her downing a beer. Uh, baby steps, right?

Well, everyone got all nice and soused, and back at the house, the fun times continued as ping pong balls bounced and a massive food fight broke out. Soon, Tyler was covered in junk, and chocolate syrup was everywhere. Good thing Jo from San Francisco wasn't around. She would have freaked out and sued the island of Key West (and maybe Trinidad and Tobago too, just for old times sake).

Anyway, just like any drunken food fight, the action soon devolved into male-on-male wrestling as John and one of Tyler's friends rolled around on the carpet. Somehow, this resulted in John tossing Janelle in the hot tub, which she could not have been too thrilled about. Then again, she was also doing one of those lame baits like "You are not about to toss me in the hot tub... which I am standing next to and not moving away from at all."

This roughhousing is getting too close to RED GOD!

Nooooooooooo!!!!

OH THE HORROR!!!

It all seemed like fun times, but then later, when Tyler was cleaning up the mess, everyone seemed sort of mad at John for some reason. I think it's because he wasn't helping scrub out all the stains and whatnot. Luckily, Jose was there to lend a hand, and as he got to work, we heard Paula say "Grab a... damn sponge and make him shut the ... up!" I didn't know who that was directed towards or who she was talking about, but suddenly Jose snapped and said, "Pasha, you know what? Why don't you (bleep) about it if you're going to have a big mouth about it." This then led to a general Jose rant, and I wasn't sure what he was really bitching about or what had spurred him on, but I was thoroughly enjoying it. I also couldn't tell if this was a real fight or not because Jose seemed to be smiling a little, and as far as I could tell, Paula was not yelling, "KISS MY ASS!!!" We then saw random black and white flashbacks of Jose's former passivity (ooh! the painful memories!), and then we came back to the present where Jose yelled, "Kiss my ass! Kiss my ass!!!" You know, I was only joking about him saying that before. I didn't really expect him to say that. Granted, I think he was mocking Paula a bit, but it was still coming from a place of anger. Ah... can't wait for this wrath to turn on Janelle.

Well, after the commercial break, we then returned to the wonderful, vacant world of Zach. He was all concerned about the impending grand opening of the salon and feared that he might mess up something. Well, if he manages this event as well as he manages his hair, he should be very concerned. Nevertheless, Tyler mused, "Our grand opening looks to be extremely absurd. It'll be humorous -- in a good way." We'll be the judge of that.

Unfortunately, disaster struck the tanning salon. No, everyone didn't suddenly realize how redundant the business was. It was much worse: the tanning booths stopped working. Heavens!! Luckily, the newly impassioned Jose stepped up, talked with tech support, and saved the day. Everything was fixed, all thanks to our previously bland and passive assistant manager. It was a new Jose! To paraphrase Starship, Nothing's gonna stop him now!

Jose was so motivated to be a more active member of the team that he even went to a few hotels and handed out flyers. "I talked to a couple of concieres," Jose said, also taking a page from Janelle's book of Idiot-Speak. Concierge, people. Concierge.

WELL.

Now that Jose was all take-charge and awesome, Janelle was not happy. She had nothing to harp on! No power trips to take! Sure enough, she was pi-isssed that Jose had gone to the hotels because it totally messed up her master marketing plan, whatever that was. Yes, Jose should have communicated with her, and yes, it does sort of suck to have someone tread on your territory, but seriously, relax bitch. Be happy that you don't have to trek around.

Unfortunately, Janelle wasn't about to drop this without a drama. She announced that she was going to ask "Tasha" about the situation. Who's Tasha? Why, she was the "Key West PR Consultant." I didn't really know what that meant. Did she do PR for the entire island? Or just the Real World cast? Didn't really matter because we never met Tasha nor heard anything about her ever again. And so she shall always remain a mysterious presence -- an ethereal specter that looms over the isle of Key West. If you listen carefully, when the wind blows over the ocean, it says, "Tasha... Tasha..." Or "Lowenstein... Lowenstein..." I forget which.

Anyway, Tasha be damned. Janelle was predicting doom and gloom because of Jose's hapless flyer distribution. "There is a potential for Mystic Tan to be a failure!" she threatened. Well, I'm sure it will be a failure, but not because of the flyers. I like to think of the whole seven-reality-stars-manning-the-shop factor as the biggest setback. You know, maybe if Janelle hadn't tried to co-opt Jose for her marketing team, she wouldn't be dealing with this stupid drama in the first place. Ah, but then that would be no fun.

We then headed back to Tyler and his friends. They were out to dinner, which meant Tyler had a chance to talk about all his roomies (my favorite Tyler hobby). He insisted that Jose was the most level-headed person in the house, and then he cackled at Janelle, saying, "She thought PR meant Personal Relations." Okay, that was pretty funny. Apparently for two or three days, Janelle kept introducing herself to people and saying she was the head of Personal Relations for the salon (cut to me rolling my eyes). Tyler then told us, "Janelle, as pretentious as she is sometimes, she says really stupid things periodically." Wait, so do pretentious people NOT normally say stupid things?

Anyway, after dinner, Tyler and his friends met up with everyone else for a grand ol' night of dancing and drinking and general bacchanalia. Alas, The Real World never shows people just having fun. What sort of reality show would THAT be? We knew this was the setup to some sort of petty drama, and sure enough, we soon found Janelle trying to usher people out of the club and into the car. She kept talking about the gang having to get back to the house -- a production imposed curfew perhaps? -- but since everyone was having so much fun, Janelle seemed unable to gather up the troops. Finally, she got everyone out of the club, and as they walked towards the SUV, Janelle complained, "Do we have to be dramatic 24/7?" Uh, yes, actually. You are on TV.

Well, Svetlana and Jose lagged behind, which gave them the perfect amount of buffer space to talk trash about Janelle. "Janelle: drama center. Instigator. Plain and simple. In-stigator," Svetlana said, again providing another kettle-teapot moment of brilliance.

Nevertheless, with Svetlana and Jose taking entirely too long with their slightly slower pace, Janelle freaked out and yelled, "What the fuck are you guys doing? C'MON!!!" This coming from the girl who was just complaining about 24/7 drama. Well, Jose finally had had enough of Janelle's not-drama, and he barked back, "Can you hold up and wait while we walk at our pace? And that's it, yo. I'm over your shit, yo. Stop. Please." It was quite awesome, but Jose should no better. NOOOBODY (me swiveling my head, finger pointing upwards) yells at JANELLE!

"Don't talk to me like that!" she replied.

"Who do you think you are? You think you run shit?" Jose sassed back. To be fair, Janelle does run shit. She's the head of Personal Relations. Anyway, Jose continued: "Stop! I'll talk the way y'all want to talk! ...You are nobody to me!"

Again, Janelle countered with, "Don't talk to me like that!" To which Jose replied again, "You are nobody; so stop!" The two barked at each other some more, with Janelle getting in Jose's face and pointing her finger, but no matter how hard she tried to give him the "I AM JANELLE, HEAR ME ROAR!" face, Jose just kept on ranting. "We are all equal in the house... but the way you walk around the house with your nose in the air does not mean anything!" I think he was trying to say that she shouldn't act above everyone. Don't worry. I brought my Drunk-To-English translator.

We then went to commercial break, and when we returned, the roommates were all back at the house, trying to pretend that the whole fight had never happened. Actually, it wasn't so much that. It was more like they were just ignoring Janelle and her stupid anger. "Do not try to force any conversation between me and him on because he has burnt a bridge," she seethed. "So tomorrow, when his ass is apologizing, you better believe you're going to see the fuckin' ugliest side of me you've ever fucking seen because I haven't shown you stuck-up yet!" So I take it that glaring attitude you've had all season has merely been "sugar and spice?"

Tyler then chimed in and told us, "Janelle has this mentality that she thinks she is Mariah Carey or Beyoncé without the actual talent." Was he insinuating that Janelle has no talent? But she works at Sephora! Of course she has talent!!

We then zoomed in on a sad, stuffed, purple platypus (I don't know where it came from either), and next we found Jose venting to Tyler's cute friend, Katie. I thought they'd totally hook up, but alas, no such luck. Instead, Katie told Jose that next time he feels anger bubbling to the surface, he should check himself twice and think, "Is it worth it?" Jose then reacted as if this was some of the most sage wisdom he'd ever heard (no offense to Katie, but this wasn't what I'd call "high level" advice), and then we returned to Janelle who had moved on from rage to psychological analysis. She claimed that Jose was "using his insecurities as an escapegoat [sic] for my suh-curity." Technically, I think she meant that Jose was using her security as a scapegoat for his insecurities (not the other way around), and technically, I think she meant to say "scapegoat" instead of "escapegoat," and technically, she probably should have said, "I AM A TOTAL IDIOT." Just saying.

Meanwhile, the next day we finally had our big opening gala celebration for Mystic Tan. It was everything you could ever dream of: Pasta! Subway! Tyler wandering around in a Speedo! There were even charity donation boxes and a marching band! Yay! The day was a big success, and afterwards, boss Ricky let the gang keep 100% of the profits (as opposed to the usual 50%). Wow. Ricky's the bestest ever!

Yay Grand Opening!

Okay, that was fun, but let's get back to the Janelle/Jose junk. To celebrate the opening day event, the kids all went out to the club where Janelle continued to rant against her new enemy. "I'm not the type of person to let shit go, and even if you do apologize, I'll forgive you, but I won't forget shit!" Wow, I've never seen anyone so proud to be a begrudging bitch. Oh wait. Did I say "begrudging?" Apparently I misspoke because Janelle then said, "I'm not trying to hold grudges against anybody." Oh, CLEARLY. As evidenced by you just saying, "I won't forget SHIT!!"

Janelle then babbled again about Jose not being secure and said that for him to attack her was not that surprising. Well, if it wasn't so surprising, why you acting so shocked and angry? I tend to think that Jose seems like a pretty secure guy, but even the most level-headed people have their breaking points. Of course, Janelle is too dense to think, "Hey, he never gets angry. But he's angry now. Maybe I should see what caused him to get angry." Meanwhile, Jose vented to Paula and Svetlana about Janelle. He said he wasn't going to take anything back, and he wasn't there to try to change anyone, but he did wish he had approached the situation differently. Aaaaand that was the episode. Yup. It ended. Well, actually, my Tivo cut it off then, but I can't imagine anything too interesting happening after that. I have to say, I always love it when people don't resolve their fights after one episode. Makes me feel like there's more drama to come.

What did you think? Did Janelle overreact? Was Jose being rude? Will the wallflowers return to their silent state?

Posted by at 2:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (20)

By Umnata

My coverage of the "upfronts" in New York—the television networks' annual presentation of their fall schedules to foaming-at-the-mouth advertisers and media outlets—continues with a look at ABC's fall schedule.

In probably the biggest shakeup of the season, ABC has made plans to move Sunday night juggernaut Grey's Anatomy (which has now surpassed Desperate Housewives as the network's number one show) to Thursdays at 9PM. The shakeup is necessary for ABC, though. After an out-of-nowhere 2004 season that launched Desperate Housewives, Lost, and Grey's Anatomy as monster hits, none of ABC's shows from last season are making it back for sophomore seasons (except What About Brian, which was one of the biggest surprise renewals this year, and I think had more to do with appeasing executive producer J. J. Abrams than anything else). It doesn't help that ABC is still smarting from the colossal flameout of Commander in Chief (this is what happens when you hire Geena Davis, people), which was poised to be the "next great drama," with huge ratings and positive reviews last fall, until it crashed and burned under the weight of its own pedigree.

So ABC is casting a wider net this season to see what they catch with the ten (!!!) new shows slated for the fall. Betting on so many new shows mean a lot of old ones had to be let go, which in most cases on ABC's schedule was not a bad thing. Of the cancelled shows, only Invasion (finally, picking up steam after a lackluster half season) and midseason comedy Sons & Daughters (a worthy successor to the Arrested Development dysfunctional family throne) were worth saving. Other shows like Hope & Faith, Freddie (I admit a guilty pleasure of mine, but certainly not changing the face of television as we know it—although Brian Austin Green's comedic talents must be put on display elsewhere), and In Justice, had either passed their prime or had a failure to launch. So ABC is spreading the wealth and hoping that the relocation of a big hit like Grey's will serve as a launching pad for some new series. Here's what the schedule looks like:

Sunday

I have to laugh because America's Funniest Home Videos starts the night off at 7PM, and I am completely shocked to find out this show is still on television. Seriously. Not only did I think it was off the air, I was pretty sure it had been cancelled for a decade. Whoops. ABC is keeping the feel good vibe at the front of the evening with Extreme Makeover: Home Edition at 8PM. This opinion doesn't make me very popular, but I hate this show. I mean Ty Pennington. Really? Isn't he like Billy Bush's long-lost, even more annoying brother? And Paul!?!? He and Daddy McPhee could have a manly cry-off to see who the burliest crier on national television is. That being said, I think the purpose of the show, rebuilding houses for families in need, is a good one. It's nice to help people who are so obviously down and out. But sometimes I feel like they pick the most extreme cases. Like they find a family with no arms and no legs and they build them a house that has arms and legs or something. Why not just a single mother of three whose husband DIDN'T die of ebola or whatever, who just kind of needs a break? I'm sure they do things like that every once in a while, but ehh... Regardless, at 9PM, Desperate Housewives will stay where it is, since the network doesn't think the show is strong enough to sustain a big move to a different night. Umm, you think? If you have any question of whether or not that is true, PLEASE read my last two DH recaps. Credit does need to be given where it is due, and while the ladies of Wisteria Lane have certainly tumbled (okay, crashed) this season, they ended on a high note, and the show still pulls in more than 20 million viewers a week. ABC is hoping the post-DH timeslot is still a viable launch pad for a new show.

That's why Grey's has vacated its 10PM post (get used to it, because you're going to be reading A LOT about this move over the long summer months) to make room for the ensemble soap Brothers & Sisters, starring Ally McBeal herself, Calista Flockhart. Thankfully, she plays a character far removed from her Ally McAnnoying days, who actually isn't suffering from delusions and visions. Did anyone else think that whole entire show was one long, very bad acid trip? The show revolves around a well-to-do family and the secrets that start bubbling to the surface during a family party that will change their lives forever! Although the description sounds a little melodramatic, the show must have impressed someone to be getting this timeslot in the first place. Though early screenings have been only lukewarm to Calista, the cast is top-notch: Ron Rifkin, so evil as Sloane on Alias, and fellow Alias refugee Balthazar Getty, who has yet to live up to any promise he showed 15 years ago in Lord of the Flies, are joined by Rachel Griffiths (Six Feet Under) and Patricia Wettig (I wonder how this bodes for the evil Vice President/new Commander in Chief's position on Prison Break?). Things aren't complete smooth sailing however, as the producers have recast Betty Buckley as the clan's matriarch and Jonathan LaPlaglia as one of the siblings. Despite a soapy premise, early word suggests that it may be a bit more subtle then say, Desperate Housewives, and certainly worth a try.

Monday

ABC has had a really hard time on Monday nights as of late, and losing Monday Night Football (heading over to sister network ESPN) certainly isn't going to help. Last year, after the football season ended (MNF is always a big ratings winner for ABC), the network famously spent millions of dollars touting the Heather Graham (this should have been there first sign of something foul) comedy Emily's Reasons Why Not only to pull the plug on it after one tepid airing (as it did for the returning Jake in Progress). This season they're going with seasoned, if not graying, reality shows Wife Swap and The Bachelor (in the fall) and then Supernanny (in the spring). Look, I'm not a huge reality fan, mostly because watching these people who can't handle their lives on such a level that they need a British nanny and a naughty step to come in and take charge makes me more nauseated than entertained. I've never seen an episode of The Bachelor, but I enjoy watching it over commercials (I think a whole hour of it would literally invert my penis), but I can't imagine that this show is ever going to have an uptick again. Once a show is responsible for plaguing us with that Trista monster and Bob Guiney (why do I know their names?!), it's time to take it off the air for the sake of mankind.

At 10PM, ABC is bringing back back What About Brian after it completely underwhelmed this year as a midseason replacement. As I mentioned earlier, I think this decision had a little more to do with not ticking off J. J. Abrams, who's the creator of Lost and has the new, very buzzed-about Six Degrees on Thursday nights. That being said, while What About Brian sounds very charming, it probably won't make much more headway this season going up against CSI: Miami and NBC's Studio 60 on Sunset Strip, arguably the most talked-about show of the fall. The problem with What About Brian isn't really anything specific, but rather a lot of little things. The show centers around Brian (Barry Watson, surprisingly endearing) who is the last single man standing in a group of twentysomethings (!!!). With the recent engagement of his best friend Adam (Matthew Davis) to Marjorie (Sarah Lancaster - another Saved by the Bell survivor, this time Rachel from The New Class), Brian is crushed, because, get this, he is in loooove with Marjorie. And that, right there, is the problem. Even though Marjorie clearly has feelings for Brian, she still accepts the proposal from Adam. It's like that one plot strand with Keira Knightley from Love Actually only stretched out to sustain itself over the course of an entire series. Marjorie herself is also kind of a problem, because despite being ridiculously hot (and newly brunette), there isn't all that much that makes her so special two guys would be so deeply in love with her. Also, Rosanna Arquette is in it, and well, that's a problem unto itself. I wasn't a fan of Abrams's last romantic adventure, Felicity (why won't they stop whispering!?!?!), but I love his more action-centric Lost and Alias (though it should be noted he hasn't actually worked on the day-to-day operations of either of those shows in years). And while I don't by any means love Brian with the obsessive ferocity of Abrams's other shows, I have enough faith in him and the glimpses of greatness that I've seen this past season to give it a real shot in the fall. But don't get too attached. This is the weakest night in the ABC lineup, and Brian will be lucky to make it to November sweeps if the schedule isn't severely revamped.

Tuesday

At 8PM, ABC will be putting the reality hit Dancing with the Stars, hoping the glitter hasn't faded over the past year. I doubt it has, but the real test will be to see who they get to hoof around with this season. More breakouts like super-ripped super-hyper Lisa Rina? Or more zoned-out train wrecks like Oscar winner Tatum O'Neal (I use Oscar winner as her title not because it's an honor but because it's just so tragically funny)? As long as we're spared another Master P, this show should keep trucking along just fine. When Stars ends in the winter, the new game show Set for the Rest of Your Life will premiere. Contestants compete over different amounts of monthly checks, and then they compete over how long they could get those monthly checks, with the ultimate goal being—you guessed it—Set for the Rest of Your Life. All the while a partner is in a soundproof booth helping and possibly unintentionally hindering your chances at winning the prizes. I never really jumped on the primetime gameshow bandwagon, but this one sounds like it might be worth checking out, if only because I think there's a very good possibility someone will got shot by episode three.

At 9PM and 10PM ABC will be premiering two new sitcoms, hoping to hit pay dirt in this genre since they haven't had a hit (no, not you James Belushi) comedy since... well... since... Roseanne? Home Improvement? Up at 9:00PM is Let's Rob...which looks pretty great. It follows the misadventures of a ragtag team of crooks who set out to rob Mick Jagger (who will appear occasionally on the show but is not a series regular). They better get the job done before he croaks, because Mick Jagger has got to be about 500 years old by now. The premise sounds like one of those things that can run out of steam pretty quickly, but with the producers of Ed standing behind it, I'm pretty excited for some quirky, hilarious hijinks. The timeslot will do it no favors though. At 9:30PM will be Help Me Help You, a comedy in which Ted Danson plays a psychiatrist who may be even crazier than the patients he's treating! This show is going to have to payoff with comic GOLD to make up for such a lame premise. And somehow, I don't see that happening. Boston Legal will stick around at 10PM after a year of decent, if not solid, ratings this season. I've made myself a promise to try to watch at least the first four episodes, because I've heard such great things about this show. I just can't get past William Shatner. And, for me, James Spader will always just be a preppy monster from Less Than Zero.

Wednesday

THE NINE

At 8PM, the Dancing with the Stars results show will air. ABC has been wise to keep this show on in the fall only, so we're not blinded by all the sequins and to avoid going head-to-head with American Idol. Stars might be entertaining and all, but it's got nothing on the Soul Patrol. Returning in the midseason is The George Lopez Show and According to Jim, which by all accounts are two of the reasons why the world is going to hell. At 9PM, Lost will pick up where its amazing/stupendous/glorious season finale left off. This year the show started to take a hit in the ratings once Idol came back in the winter, and because of all those reruns. Next season the show will air in probably three chunks, so we'll get, for example, seven fresh episodes followed by a break, followed by eight new episodes, etc. Sure, this isn't ideal, but the reality of the situation is that there are only 22 episodes of a show produced and thirtysomething weeks in the television season. Something's got to give. And I'd rather have it be set up like this than wait until January for the show to run straight through à la 24. Despite its inability to launch Invasion last season, ABC is putting The Nine, one of its most talked-about new shows, in the post-Lost timeslot at 10PM. The Nine follows the lives of nine back robbery hostages as they try to cope with the trauma from—as well as what actually happened during—a 52-hour bank robbery (each episode will flash back to 10 minutes of the bank robbery itself). I love the premise of the show and think this could end up being one of the best new shows of the season. The really solid cast includes Scott Wolf, Chi McBride, and Kim Raver (I can't imagine this bodes well for Audrey/Jack on 24), doesn't hurt either.

Thursday

MUST-SEE TV ON ABC?

After last year's success of Dancing with the Stars, ABC has realized that CBS and NBC don't have the lock on Thursday evenings they used to (what was your first clue? Joey? Four Kings?). In the 8PM hour, two more sitcoms will premiere. Big Day is going to last about two airings in this timeslot, as it's a 24-style comedy about the titular "big day"—in this case a wedding. With Marla Sokoloff and showkiller Josh Cooke in the lead roles, this looks destined to be yet another show that Wendie Mallick (Dream On, Just Shoot Me, Jake In Progress) costars in but is way too good for. I have higher hopes for Notes from the Underbelly, about a couple preparing for the impending birth of their first child, with a little help from their wacky friends. The early word is that it's a quirky, fun show that will probably get lost in the shuffle. Bonus points for costarring Rachel Harris from I Love the 70s/80s/90s fame. Even if they are both great shows, I wouldn't expect them to stick around for too long. At 9PM, I don't know if you've heard, Grey's Anatomy will be moving from its cushy Sunday at 10PM timeslot. The show probably won't be clearing 20 million viewers at first, but it should be just fine. Grey's is probably the most consistently great show on television, thanks in no small part to creator Shonda Rhimes's iron fist. The show ended on a high note (don't worry, Izzie is out of the program, not off the show), even if you (like me) don't care about who Meredith picks (although that sex scene was HOT). Hopefully Grey's will help make a hit out of J. J. Abrams's new show Six Degrees. This twisty series is kind of like a merging of Lost and What About Brian, a relationship show, that will involve six strangers whose paths keep crossing through their connections in the world. Also probably my favorite cast of the year: Jay Hernandez, Campbell Scott, Hope Davis, Bridget Moynahan, Dorian Missick, and Erika Christensen. There were no clips at the upfronts, but rumor has it ABC is riding high on this show. And J. J. Abrams's track record for quality is almost untouchable at this point.

Friday

No longer scared off by Jennifer Love Hewitt and her helmet hair, ABC (once again) abolishes its TGIF lineup for two new shows. At 8PM is the English language remake of the telenovela Betty the Ugly, about a less-than-attractive woman (America Ferrara, truly charming) who gets a job working for the newly appointed head of Mode fashion magazine played by the creepy Dean Hess from The O.C. Vanessa L. Williams is also onboard to play the resident bitch on wheels who makes life, umm, ugly for our heroine Betty. I saw the clips for the show, and while a bit muddled, it looks kind of cute—ABC could have a sleeper hit on their hands. If they do, look for a season two remake of Betty as a Latina hottie played by Salma Hayek. The show won't be helped, however, by the Anne Heche vehicle Men in Trees, premiering at 9PM. It's basically Northern Exposure, but with Anne Heche. I like Anne Heche as much as the next guy—what's not to love about a bisexual nutjob?—but this show about a widow who ends up living in Alaska sounds like so many other bad shows I've skipped before. At 10PM, ABC sticks with the stalwart 20/20.

Saturday

ABC will be getting its fix of football Saturday nights with the airing of Saturday Night College Football. When the football season's over, this will be the dumping ground for reruns and occasional broadcast premieres.

What do you think? Look forward to anything in particular? I'm definitely on board with Six Degrees and The Nine. What about the new structure of Lost? How do you think they can avoid rerun fatigue next season?

Posted by at 6:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

• First, in case you missed it at the end of last week, gaze upon the movie magic that is Faye Dunaway 2.0.
• Not to be outdone by that tramp Gwen Stefani, Angelina Jolie has birth'd a baby girl named Shiloh Nouvel. Damn! I had ten grand on GETTYSBURG NUEVO. [E! online]
• May 31st will mark Katie Couric's last appearance on the Today show. Start self-medicating posthaste to brace yourself for the severe, hedgehog-faced onslaught of Meredith Vieira in September. [AP]
• X-Men: The Last Stand blew away the box office this weekend, raking in $120 million. Fortunately, thousands of virile young midshipmen were on hand in Manhattan to help Hugh Jackman celebrate. [Box Office Mojo]
• And Paris Hilton has decided to include reggae and hip-hop sounds on her new album. Not for artistic reasons, but simply because she hopes to slip in a few instances of the N-word with impunity. [AP]

Posted by at 1:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

By Amanda

This week, Passions once again finds almost all of our characters in Rome. Well, the fake soundstage Rome, anyway. There's a carriage ride with no horse; a pair of red fur-lined handcuffs; and a fight scene in a hip club. There's plenty of stalking by plenty of psychos; some intrigue surrounding the mysterious Symbol; and an amusing turn by a drunken "former tabloid editor" who thinks that protecting his sources means hiding the stories he's already published. Oh, and there's tons of drinking. You could play the world's simplest drinking game with this show - drink when they drink! - and you'd be passed out by 2:30 p.m. On with the show.

We open on Gwen and Rebecca, in a lavish bedroom at the Crane mansion. I am so happy that we are finally getting some Rebecca scenes! She is one of the funniest characters on this show. And she is pure eeeeevil, which you can tell by the fact that she is one of the few characters on TV who makes openly racist remarks. For example, earlier this week, she called Theresa a "little taco-cita."

Gwen is panicking because she has just found out that J.T. Cornell, the tabloid editor who holds her fate in his hands, is in Rome. Yes, the very same Rome that Theresa is in! Yes, that Rome. This guy is the one person on Earth who can confirm that it was Gwen and Rebecca - not Theresa - who tipped the tabloids to the fact that Ethan is a bastard, lo these many years ago.

No, not that kind of a bastard. The kind where he isn't really a Crane, because his mom, Ivy Crane, cheated on her husband Julian with her old flame, police chief Sam Bennett. This means that Ethan's blood is not blue, and he lost his fortune as a result. It doesn't seem to have slowed him down too much, since I believe he still lives in the Crane mansion, but in the world of this show, it was a Very. Big. Deal.

Rebecca is not too concerned that she and Gwen will be found out. In fact, her proposed solution is that they should booze it up and forget about it. She keeps pushing Gwen to just have a martini. What an awesome mom.

"Have a [green] martini, dear."

This brings me to one of my favorite things about soaps: In nearly every bedroom, and nearly every living room, there is a full liquor setup out on a table in full view. No, not a regular bar - we never see any actual liquor bottles, or even wine bottles. Instead, there are fancy crystal decanters full of booze in every room, and whenever people are even a tiny bit stressed, they go over and pour themselves a stiff drink - without needing to leave the room. And almost all of the characters do this! Yes, you tend to see it more with the rich people, and more with the bad guys - but plenty of middle-class good guys do it too. It is just such a hilariously retro lifestyle message. I'm surprised they don't also have big ashtrays full of cigarette butts in every room of the house.

Now, the key to this J.T. Cornell storyline is something we just recently learned - namely, that Rebecca once had an affair with J.T. Cornell. This isn't too surprising, since Rebecca has always rapaciously attacked any male within a fifty-foot radius. Oh, and she always makes them dress up in costumes and use props, too. However, this particular affair has been conveniently retrofitted into the plot - I don't think it was part of the storyline back when Ethan's paternity was actually uncovered.

Gwen wants her mom to call up her old pal J.T. and make sure that he stays away from Theresa. Which provides us with a convenient segue to ... Rome.

In last week's comments, somebody asked whether Passions was really shooting in Rome. To that I say: HAHAHAHAHA. I am not laughing at the person who asked the question, because if you haven't been watching, it's a very good question. I am old enough to remember the glory days of the '80s, when Days shot huge, over-the-top storylines in Greece, Sweden, and England. What a great time to be a soap actor.

No, I'm laughing because if you turn on Passions, you'll see that they have reduced their set budget to approximately $7.95 per quarter. It is so bad that the audience can't be trusted to even notice that we're in Rome. Instead, before every Rome scene, we get an establishing shot, like this:

ROME - FILE FOOTAGE

You would think they could have flown maybe one or two actors over to Rome to appear in a couple of these shots, but no. Then, we cut to the interior of some totally generic-looking "hotel" or "restaurant," where the extras all speak with bad Italian accents. The exception is the scenes in the catacombs or the piazza, where it looks like they did at least build some new sets.

By the way, for the last few years, whenever I have seen a soap go "on location," they always go on location to Los Angeles. Wow - thanks for the effort, guys. I bet the actors were really excited about that trip.

Our first Rome scene for today stars Ethan, and it starts with an awesome voice-over: "The role of Ethan Winthrop is temporarily being played by Rib Hillis." This is exciting mostly because I think Rib Hillis is the best soap actor name of all time. Y'all, his name is Rib. Do you think it's short for Ribbington? Ribworthy? Ribson? McRib? (By the way, he used to play a medical intern on the canceled ABC soap Port Charles.)

"Rib Hillis" in "Rome."

I have not bothered to find out why we temporarily have a new Ethan - feel free to fill me in. To me, this temporary recast just serves to drive home how wooden all of the Ethans have been and how interchangeable they all are.

Anyway, the Ribwich is looking at a cell-phone picture that he just received from Crane Security, showing him what J.T. Cornell looks like. And what do you know - Ethan recognizes him as a guy who was hitting on Theresa at "the club" earlier in the evening, using the name "Joe." Ethan wants to find Theresa and tell her, but he doesn't know where she is. We know where she is, though - she went home with J.T. (J.T. is being played by Michael Sabatino, who was Lawrence Alamain on Days, and was also on various other soaps.)

Theresa doesn't know that the guy she's with is really J.T. The whole reason she was with this random guy was to make Ethan jealous, and it was working reasonably well. In my opinion, though, she took it a little too far by actually going back to this strange man's apartment. Not really that smart.

And just to demonstrate how not-smart it is, as soon as they get back to his apartment, he starts insisting that she drink. Hey, he and Rebecca do have something in common! He also seems to be wasted already, and his slurred delivery is pretty funny. While he's off making the drinks, Theresa looks at his answering machine and tells him that he has a message. We know that the message is actually from Rebecca, so if he were to play it in front of Theresa, his identity would be revealed. But he doesn't.

Theresa then engages in the classic Passions pastime of talking to herself, announcing: "Well, I guess, you know, it wouldn't hurt to stay like a half an hour here with Joe, if it makes Ethan realize how much he loves me." I must pause here to say that Lindsay Hartley's acting is head and shoulders above that of almost everyone else on the show: She almost makes the talking to herself appear convincing. Almost.

Hamlet she's not.

Next we go to the Three Dunceketeers (Jessica, Paloma, Simone). They are making wishes in the "Trevi" "Fountain." They are having a great time, but as they walk away, we see that EvilMonk is following them.

What an expressive actor.

Then we see Noah, in a hotel room with Lena, the evil "Dragon Lady." This storyline is pretty confusing, but I've caught up some since last week. Lena's goal is apparently to destroy Noah and Fancy's lives. I'm not sure why she wants to do that, but hey, I can get on board. So she's going about it as follows:

Once, a long time ago, Noah and Maya witnessed a murder. Spike was the killer and the victim was some random nobody. However, Lena has lied to Noah and said that (a) the victim was her "partner," and (b) she wants to catch the killer. She is blackmailing him into trying to hunt down the killer, and she keeps telling him that he can't resume his normal, happy life with Fancy until he does. Again, you might ask why, and I would be forced to answer - why ask why? Try Bud Dry.

So right now, Spike is hiding in Lena's closet with a gun. If Noah were to find him there, it would reveal that - um - I'm not sure. Well, for one thing, it would reveal that Lena is hiding something from Noah. Also, Noah is familiar with Spike in his professional capacity, as Noah's little sister's pimp. And oh, by the way, Spike has The Symbol tattooed on his wrist (just as Jess has it on her back). Noah starts snooping around the hotel room. Will he find Spike in the closet??

Back in Harmony, Sheridan is staring longingly at a picture of Luis. I'm not sure whether this counts as talking to herself, since she is talking to the picture. She tells it: "Luis, I miss you. God help me, I know I shouldn't; I'm married to Chris and I'm expecting his child, but I miss you so much." Everybody all caught up there? Good. I have to say that Sheridan looks really clunky, since the actress is pregnant in real life. I'm used to these fake soap pregnancies where they are all skinny but they have, say, a sack of sugar under their shirt.

"I'm not talking to myself. When the camera is off, this picture talks back to me, I swear."

Luis misses Sheridan, too. He is in Rome, at "the club," which is called Prometheus. By the way, in several of these Rome scenes, a Rolling Stones song is playing - "Rain Fall Down" from their current album. This is product placement at its oddest. The Stones did this with Days a while back, with another track from this same album. Is it just me, or doesn't this up the cool factor of these crappy, low-budget soaps, while making the Rolling Stones seem really pathetic and desperate? (The songs are not bad.)

Luis is hanging out with Fancy. Her new friend has just vanished. That's because her new friend is Beth, who is cleverly trying to avoid being spotted by Luis. (Fancy didn't know Beth before, so she has no idea who she's been hanging out with.)

Luis and Fancy at Prometheus, the "hippest" "club" in "Rome."

Beth spent much of this week engaged in wacky hijinks, trying to kill Fancy with a variety of Wile E. Coyote-style moves. For example, she was disguised as a chambermaid for a while. She wants to kill her because she has transferred her hatred of Sheridan onto Fancy, who appears to be the new object of Luis's attention. Also, Fancy is blonde like Sheridan, and she's a Crane like Sheridan.

(NB: Beth is also a Crane, as the Pit storyline culminated with the shocking revelation that Alistair Crane is her biological father. However, learning this did not fill Beth with sisterly love.)

At Prometheus, Luis is scolding Fancy for being generally difficult for him to keep track of. She tells him to chill out, and he reminds "her" about "the e-mail threat that Theresa got, warning us that somebody might just not make it home to Harmony." (This type of conversation, along with the wall-staring monologues, is the reason why you only need to watch the show a couple of times a year to know what's going on.)

Her response is kind of hilarious: "First of all, there's a whole slew of us here from Harmony." In other words, there's only like a 5 or 10 percent chance that she is the one who's going to be murdered - more likely, it's just one of their close friends or relatives - so he should just quit worrying about it. Anyway, he lectures her some more, really whiny. He is starting to remind me a lot of Jack from Lost, with all his annoying preachiness.

Maybe Jack is a secret Lopez-Fitzgerald love child.

Luis again reminds Fancy and the audience that his main priority is to find his son. She blathers something about how lucky Sheridan is to have him, because, like, I guess if he wasn't so devoted to Sheridan, he wouldn't want to find his kidnapped kid? Whatever. Anyway, they hug, and then Beth walks back in and sees them (but they don't see her), and she is enraged. She caresses the weapon she's carrying in her purse - a pair of long scissors, the weapon of choice of soap-opera psychos everywhere.

After the commercial, we go back to the Dunceketeers, who decide they want to take a carriage ride through the city. Huh - apparently they are supposed to be outside, although you could've fooled me. For one thing, there are almost no people around, even though they're in the middle of some kind of piazza. Come on, Passions, couldn't you at least hire a few more non-speaking extras and dub in some traffic noise or something? How much would that really cost?

They meet a horse-and-carriage guy, who hilariously has no horse. Horses cost too much, so this scene is shot from an angle where you will just have to imagine the horse.

No, really, I swear I have a horse. It's, uh, right over here....

Simone approaches the guy by saying, "Hi, my Italian is terrible, but are you ... for ... hire?" And she waves her hand up in the air. I think she's signing "higher." That should clear that language barrier right up. Of course, the guy speaks English, and he takes them for a ride, and we see again that EvilMonk is following them.

Noah is still suspicious of Lena and searching her hotel room to see if she's hiding any accomplices. He opens the closet where Spike is hiring, but he doesn't see him, because Spike is suspended from the ceiling, Spiderman-style!

Ew - looks like he might find him when sweat starts dripping from the closet ceiling.

Sheridan talks to Luis's picture some more. She wishes she had waited one more day before marrying Chris. Because, you see, then Luis would have returned from the dead while she was still a single woman. I hate it when that happens.

Luis goes off to buy Fancy a drink, and she starts dancing with some greasy Italian. He talks to himself about how he doesn't like that because it isn't safe. Beth is watching her, too, and calls her a slut, and caresses her scissors some more.

Ethan (still the Ribwich version) is looking for Theresa, "outside" on the "piazza."

"Rib" is wondering why there's a Vespa in the middle of this hotel lobby.

He does a little good old-fashioned soliloquizing. "I can't believe that she left the club with this guy! I mean, she doesn't know anything about him, let alone that he's the tabloid editor that she's been trying to track down ever since she heard he was in Rome. How the hell am I gonna tell her if I can't even find her?" For some reason, his loud, nonsensical ramblings don't lead to an arrest for vagrancy.

J.T. Cornell is totally planning to roofie Theresa, "to put her in the mood," as he says. These people don't even quit narrating their actions when they're in the process of committing a secret violent felony against a person standing ten feet away. Theresa tastes her roofied drink, but it's disgusting, so she only has a tiny sip. She's torn between staying and going home, but J.T. convinces her to come out on the balcony. She oohs and aahs over his view. Of course, we don't get to see the view for ourselves, but for once the show makes a small effort and we get some cricket noises to signify outdoors-ness.

On the balcony, J.T. starts trying to make his move. Theresa tries to turn him down politely, saying she doesn't know him at all, so he starts "giving her his resume," if you know what I mean. No, really, he says that. He tells her, "In a previous life, I was a damn good newspaperman." She says, "A reporter, huh?" He gets all cocky, and he's like, "In the beginning, but I got promoted to edit-or." He says this like he's bragging about being a racecar driver or a movie star.

Editors of the world, rise up!

Theresa notes the coincidence, since she is looking for a particular editor herself. Then we see that J.T. has a framed photo of himself and Rebecca on his coffee table - which Theresa hasn't noticed. Oh, and in the photo, they're in bed. Um. Who frames (or even takes) this type of photo and displays it in their living room? For that matter, who goes to this much trouble to commemorate an affair they had twenty years ago?

Ah, memories. Sweet memories.

Lena finally convinces Noah to quit digging through her closet and return to his fake mission, finding the man who killed her fake partner. She recaps that he and Maya were the only eyewitnesses; they were in an attic and saw this guy get shot in the back. He says he didn't see anything useful and can't help. She tries to basically hypnotize Noah into remembering more of what he saw, and suddenly, he magically remembers that the killer had The Symbol tattooed on his wrist.

Spike is really sweating it in the closet, with The Symbol tattooed on his wrist. Er, I really don't get this. I thought Lena was just trying to send Noah on a wild goose chase to keep him away from Fancy. Isn't it going to screw things up for her and Spike if he actually pins the murder on Spike? Shouldn't Spike be a little annoyed that she is helping Noah remember stuff that could tie Spike to the crime?

Sheridan has a bunch of sappy flashbacks of her and Luis. She cries, although she doesn't manage any actual tears, and clasps his photo to her breast.

Luis and Beth continue to watch Fancy from opposite sides of the club. The greasy Italian starts making unwanted groping advances on Fancy. Actually, his fake accent is completely French. Is this intentional? Do you think this extra was like, "Okay, but what about my character's motivation? Let's say he's in town from France on business and he's lonely. I just need to understand him better."

With that accent, he deserves this.

Luis goes over and punches the guy's lights out, just like you knew he would. He then tries to justify it by saying the guy was reaching for his pocket. The guy says he was just going for his cell phone, and Luis gets thrown out of the club. Fancy doesn't want to go with him, but she's pathetic and lets Luis order her.

Lena tells Noah to get out of her room and start investigating. She says that if his sister has the same tattoo as the killer, maybe he should start by questioning her. He says that Jessica doesn't know the meaning of her own tattoo. Finally Lena gets him to leave and Spike comes out of the closet. He brags about Noah not knowing that his "sister's boyfriend" was hanging over his head in the closet, and Lena corrects him to "sister's pimp."

Gee, do you think this guy is supposed to be a pimp?

Lena tries to tell Spike to stay away from Noah so he isn't spotted, but he fills her in that EvilMonk ordered him to Rome to do one thing only - kill Noah - and he's not going to disappoint. This makes me wonder why he didn't just kill Noah right now, when he could have had the element of surprise in the closet in this very room. Oh, and also, he had a gun. Best not to think too hard about this one.

Gwen wants Rebecca to call J.T. again, because what if he didn't get Rebecca's message? She demands that Rebecca search extra hard to see if she has another number for the guy. When Rebecca doesn't hop to it fast enough, Gwen dumps her purse out on the bed. Rebecca pours herself another green drink as Gwen rummages through the contents. She is a bit put off by the presence of sex toys - fur-lined handcuffs, specifically, and, um, something that looks like jumper cables.

Rebecca keeps these in her purse.

Gwen finds a manila envelope full of old photos, and Rebecca is like, "Oh, wow, I wondered where that went!" It was IN YOUR PURSE. How do you not know that you have a manila envelope full of photos in your purse?

Rebecca proudly shows off the picture of her and J.T. in bed, and Gwen is suitably disgusted. Rebecca clarifies that this was the first night they met, just in case we forgot what a big slut she is in the five seconds since it was explained to us by the presence of those fur handcuffs.

Of course, the picture provides for a clever segue back to J.T.'s apartment, with the same picture on the coffee table. Theresa knocks it off the table, but they don't bother to pick it up. She tries to draw J.T. out about his editor past, and when he doesn't want to talk about it, she tries to leave. He promises her juicy stories to get her to stay. While he isn't looking, she dumps the rest of her drink into his.

J.T. starts to brag about the scandalous stories he broke back in the day. He tells her that one of them involved "one of the wealthiest families in the Northeast." Theresa's radar starts to ping, and she asks him which family. He says, "Oh, you'd know the name, all right, but I'm not gonna name names. I'm gonna protect my sources in case I ever get back in that game."

Hang on a second. He's talking about a story that was huge news several years ago. Dude - what do you mean, you aren't going to name names? The whole thing was already on the front page! Theresa's not asking for sources - she's just asking to know the part that was ALREADY IN THE PAPER.

This guy needs to brush up on his Journalism 101.

Theresa is not sharp enough to point out this flaw in J.T.'s reasoning, so she asks him for some hints about the subject matter. He decides there would be no harm in that (you think?), so he tells her that he called the story "Paternity-gate." Ooh, catchy name. This pings Theresa's radar even louder.

J.T. fills in more details, enough to make it totally clear to Theresa that he's talking about Ethan and the Cranes. (Also, enough so that anyone who remembered reading this supposedly front-page story would know exactly what he was talking about - so much for "protecting his sources.") Michael Sabatino does a really good job of acting comically drunker and drunker.

Luis and Fancy are back in Fancy's room, and they're still bickering. I guess this is the show's attempt at building Moonlighting-style romantic chemistry. Next! They do manage to make me laugh by chugging some nice stiff drinks poured from a crystal decanter in their room.

See? Even the good guys do it.

Luis goes into the bathroom and calls Sheridan. He tells her that he briefly saw Beth and Marty, and Marty looks fine, but they got away. Luis rambles on about their future together and Sheridan tries to deflect him.

And just on the other side of the door, Beth is sneaking into the room where Fancy lies in bed, already asleep. You just know she has those scissors ready to go.

Remember the three idiot girls taking the carriage ride around Rome? Well, the carriage is totally silent and motionless, as is the scenery, and the driver seems to have vanished too, but the girls are having a great time anyway. Paloma blah blahs about how romantic Rome is and how she always wanted to experience it with the man of her dreams. Simone takes the opportunity to remind us that she is a lesbian, and is hoping to find the girl of her dreams in Rome. The Dunceketeers all giggle.

(Oh, and thanks for the reminder, Passions. It is, in fact, pretty hard to remember that Simone is a lesbian, since she never has a love interest and acts 100 percent identical to her bubbleheaded straight friends. However, if you check out the NBC Passions Vendetta website, you can find little bios of all the characters. For example, Luis's explains about how he's in love with Sheridan, looking for Marty, etc. Whereas Simone's just says, "Simone is a lesbian." Apparently that's her whole life story, so it's nice that they do mention it once every six months or so.)

Is this because I'm a lesbian?

Jessica opines that she, herself, is not meant to find love, what with her recent history as a cheap hooker under Spike's evil influence. Her friends reassure her that she can put it all behind her. Spike lurks in the shadows.

And seriously, y'all, the carriage is not moving. At first I thought it was just a tight shot, to hide the fact that it wasn't really moving, but now we can see that the three of them are sitting in this motionless carriage next to some ruins. What the?

Worst carriage ride ever.

Theresa is still trying to squeeze info out of J.T., but she's kind of made things tougher on herself by drugging him into near-oblivion. In fairness to her, there's no reason to think she knows what he put in her drink or what she thus put back into his.

Gwen finally gets Rebecca to put in another call to J.T. And - dun dun DUN! - Rebecca proceeds to leave a message on his machine, with Theresa sitting right there in the living room listening. Theresa recognizes Rebecca's voice right away, and her jaw drops. Really, though, this would have been a more shocking reveal if Theresa hadn't already figured out who J.T. is a few minutes ago. (And remember, she already knows Rebecca and Gwen tipped J.T. to the paternity scandal, so the Rebecca connection is nothing new to her.)

Still, Theresa is excited enough to hyperventilate. At first it looks as if she's hoping Rebecca will leave something incriminating on the answering-machine tape, and maybe she would have, if Theresa didn't proceed to do the dumbest thing ever: She answers the phone, just to rub it in to Rebecca that she's there with J.T. Way to make sure you don't get any EVIDENCE, there, Theresa. She does succeed in sending Gwen and Rebecca into a full-scale panic attack.

Ethan is still conducting a futile search for Theresa among the three or four people crowding the piazza, and he runs into Noah, who's conducting his own futile search for Jess. You know, these three guys - Ethan, Noah, and Luis - are supposed to be so macho and so concerned with protecting all of their helpless womenfolk and making sure nothing bad happens to them, but they don't seem to be able to keep tabs on any of them for more than two minutes at a time.

The Three Dunceketeers finally get out of their abandoned carriage. Paloma and Simone turn their backs on Jess for one minute, and they totally lose her. Spike is holding her gagged and at knifepoint on the other side of the carriage.

Whoops!

Beth, in a blonde wig, delivers a monologue in Fancy's hotel room. Okay, remember what I said earlier, about how these people talk to themselves even when they are plotting a violent crime against someone a few feet away? Well, they even do it when that person is SLEEPING. This particular monologue runs as follows: "Bitch! How dare you try to take Luis away from me and my son! You're gonna pay for this, missy, with your life."

Uh-oh! Just then, Beth hears Luis running water in the bathroom, so she goes over and blocks the bathroom door with a chair. Luis is still in there on the phone with Sheridan, and his crack bodyguarding skills cause him not to bother to check what's going on, even when he hears a weird noise.

Beth continues her monologue, and we see that she has abandoned her scissors in favor of a good old-fashioned pillow-smothering. I guess it's quieter. Her final words of the episode? "Bye-bye, blondie. Say hi to the devil when you get down there for me, okay? 'Cause you're going STRAIGHT TO HELL." She jumps on with the pillow and Fancy starts making "Mmf!" noises.

Gotta love a murder scene with plenty of cleavage.

And ... scene. That's it for today. However, just like last week, I also owe you a wrap-up of the storylines that didn't appear on Friday's show. This time, I decided to save it for the end of the recap instead of putting it up front. And this week, there was really only one storyline that didn't appear on Friday.

That's right, y'all - there was NO mermaid on Friday. And after all of my trash-talking, I kind of missed it. I know you are all clamoring for mermaid news, but not much happened with that this week. After last week's steamy photo shoot wrapped up, they all went out to eat together, and there was some comedy when Siren scarfed some fish out of the aquarium in the restaurant. Nobody saw her, though - at least, no one who wasn't an extra. Then Miguel and Siren made out some more, and Kay was pissed off some more.

Finger-lickin' good.

Contrivance paid a visit (even more than usual) when Miguel confided in Siren that as a boy, he once wrote a description of his ideal woman and threw it into the ocean. On her own time, Siren went looking for it. And Kay was forced to admit to herself, finally, that she really does still have feelings for Miguel. Well, duh.

Previews for next week: Theresa taunts Rebecca on the phone. Luis tells Sheridan that Fancy is safe; meanwhile, Beth pulls the pillow off of an apparently dead Fancy. Miguel tells Kay that she told him to find somebody else to be with, and she confesses she didn't mean it.

See you next week!

Posted by at 1:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

So right now I bet you're thinking "Yeah! The amazingly talented EdHill has finally posted his fantastically funny 2 hour Lost finale recap!" or something to that effect. Well with the holiday weekend and the fact that it's a big 2 hour episode, I admit it's still not ready. I mean its not easy making up jokes about a 4 toed statue (Seriously, WTF is going on with that thing? You can always discuss in the forums.)

So in the meantime I give you my very first Clipgasm, which has the added honor of not being about American Idol at all. Nope, it's an interview on Jimmy Kimmel with Hugh Mcintyre, the fake communications director for the fake Hanso Foundation. Now if you're thinking to yourself "What the heck is he talking about?", it's all part of the summer long Lost interactive webgame, with clues hidden within the show in the form of fake Hanso commercials, fake websites dispensing clues, and now a fake television interview.

The good news is the interview reveals a new website we can all visit that is connected with the game. The bad news is that the whole thing falls flat, with Jimmy Kimmel barely able to play along. Still, it was a neat idea, and once you are done watching this Clipgasm you can go to the bookstore and buy Bad Twin, the fake novel written by one of the victims of Oceanic flight 815. Or maybe even the new Lost action figures that will be unveiled this summer. Now we can all get a chance to strap a firecracker on the Michael action figure and shut him up for good! It's a Lost world people, we just live in it.

Full video clip after the jump.

Jimmy Kimmel Live, ABC
Click on the picture to play

Posted by EdHIll at 12:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

This is it. The penultimate episode of The Sopranos for the season. Well, until the "second half" of the season, but since this is HBO and The Sopranos, that means we will be waiting another year at the least. So let's just savor what we got while we got it.

Remember last week my bitching about the low whacking count? Well, in a further testimony to the power that TVgasm has in this industry, David Chase read what I wrote and he listened. This week's episode was a veritable whackfest. A Whackapalooza if you will. Dare I say, a Whackgasm. We had not just one, but two brutal slayings this week. And I'm not just talking about Carmela's slaying of the French language. Hey-Ooooh! Thanks. I'll be here all week. Enjoy the veal.

The show opens on a family note with Carmela and Tony learning that A.J. got fired from Blockbuster for selling promotional movie items. The lure of making a quick buck off selling White Chicks movie posters was too much for him. You can't really blame him. That movie was a phenomenon. I mean, they were the Wayans brothers masquerading as white chicks! It turned all our notions of race and gender on its head in hilarious fashion! Unfortunately that's not all the bad news they are going to have to deal with this morning. Meadow, the good offspring, comes in to tell them that she has decided to move to California to be with Finn in dental school. She is going to see about a boy. Tony doesn't seem too concerned about it, but Carmela is clearly upset.

Next Tony and Silvio are meeting with Phil Leotardo to talk mob business. For some reason they decide to do it in a Home Depot. Where else can you talk about extortion and racketeering while getting a new doorknob? Now that Johnny Sack is in prison and essentially out as boss, Phil is flexing his muscles a little bit. Phil is cutting Tony's end on the Tidelands project. When Tony tries to protest, Phil says he doesn't care. "It's my decision. Now if you'll excuse me I have to look at paint swatches."

At home Tony is watching the History Channel in the kitchen when Carmela comes to tell him that she wants to take that trip to Paris she was talking about. Tony can't get away for the week. What with the NY boss convicted and one of his crew being gay he's just swamped with work. He'll be toiling away at the strip club for a good 18 hours a day keeping his nose to the grindstone. "Grindstone" being the nickname one of the strippers has for her labia. Carmela says she'll just go with Rosalie Aprile. Tony agrees. He says after all she's been though lately with the spec house, and A.J. being a loser, she deserves to get away.

Later at the mall (Home Depot, the mall. Whatever happened to back alleys and smoke filled Italian restaurants as mob hangouts?) Tony is having coffee when he is approached by Vito wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap with the words "I love cock" inscribed on top. Vito tells Tony he wants back in. He's sorry he had to leave. "Things got complicated," he says. "Sure it's complicated when you're taking it up your fag ass." Tony sneers at him. It's not like that, Vito explains. He's not gay, it was just a side effect from his blood pressure medication. He's right. It says so clearly on the bottle. "Side effects include nausea, diarrhea and an urge to toss a hairy man's salad." Or am I confusing that with Luden's cough drops? Either way, Vito says he can get a note from his doctor if he wants one "proving" it. "What? That you don't like to suck cock?" Hey, it worked for Clay Aiken.

Vito tells Tony his plan. He can't work construction, he knows. But meth and girls, they have a more "tolerant" atmosphere he says. One of the few positive aspects of being a methamphetamine junkie with a taste for hookers. You become less of a gay bigot I guess. Wait. Does that mean I need to start taking meth and banging hookers to coincide with my already accepting view of homosexuals? Cuz I will if I have to.

Vito's idea, while a ridiculous pipe dream (it's been a countdown to his death since the moment he came back as far as I'm concerned) gives Tony pause. He even tries to sell it to his crew later when he tells them what happened. "Say what you want about Richie Aprile. He did the right thing and disowned his son," says Silvio. Sure he was a murdering gangster traitor, but we can at least be thankful that he was a bigot!

At the Soprano household Carmela is getting ready for her trip. Apparently she must think going to Paris means logging into some sort of computer matrix because she is wearing a black leather outfit. Like one part Jersey cheese and one part Trinity. Tony gives her a small going away present. It's a Louis Vuitton handbag filled with crisp hundred dollar bills and a Players Club card. If it was good enough for Telly, it's good enough for Carmela.

Now that Vito is in town he needs to keep a low profile, but he also wants to reconnect with his family. So he does the obvious thing and decides to have lunch at the giant glass walled restaurant right outside Rockefeller Center. Just call him "Mr. Incognito." He is trying to explain to his kids that he's a gay mobster whose life is in danger because the mafia world is violently homophobic. But instead he just tells them he works undercover for the CIA. I guess up until know his job working construction was all a "cover." When his kids buy the story I then simply assume that they are functionally retarded.

As they are watching their kids ice skate Vito still proves the age old axiom "Denial ain't just a river in Egypt" as he explains to his wife that he's back for good. All that stuff about him being gay is hogwash. Balderdash. Poppycock (tee hee). In fact he even wants to have another kid. With that he pulls out a Turkey baster and says "Here. You'll need this."

Later that night he calls Jim from his motel room. Vito tries to say he had to leave because of his family and he didn't want to drag him down to his level. Jim says that's BS. Jim says it's because he missed the "life." He was used to not working and having people kiss his ass. But hey, who wouldn't? Jim tells him to never call him again, and he hangs up. Jim then puts on a Sarah McLachlan album and has a good cry.

In Paris Carmela and Rosalie are in a cab in the way to their hotel. "Don't your bowels just jam up when you fly?" Rosalie says. Ahhh...Paris!

3000 miles away from Rosie Aprile's impacted bowels Tony is meeting Phil in Jersey beneath the Lou Costello statue located in scenic Patterson, New Jersey. Mob families like to meet at famous landmarks. This of course led to the tragedies of the great massacre at the St Louis Arch on 1921, and the whacking of Tommy Five fingers at the Four Corners monument in Utah (His body was found in 4 different states!). Phil has his panties in a bunch because he's heard word that that Vito is back. "You said you were gonna take care of that f*ckin' finook," he tells Tony. And then he says that if Tony heard about it and didn't say anything to him so help him he will... Tony doesn't even wait to hear the end of the sentence. He just walks off in disgust. It's his captain and he'll deal with it. Besides, he's got a noon meeting on top of the Statue of Liberty.

In Paris Carmela and Rosie are having a grand old time. When they try to walk to the Louvre from their hotel they get lost. As Carmela is walking along looking at her map she looks up to realize they are on a beautiful bridge that is covered with beautiful golden sculptures. She is left almost speechless at its beauty. "Who could have built this," she says in awe. Actually Carmela, it was Cassien-Bernard and Gaston Cousin who were the primary architects. They are on the Alexander the Third bridge, built for the 1900 Worlds Fair. It was created to symbolize the freindship between the Tsar of Russia and the French president. I mean seriously, how does she not know that?

We cut right from her admiration of the statue's beauty to New Jersey, where workers are washing off the Bada Bing sign. "Make sure you clean that shit off her tit," Silvio yells. I love this show. Tony is telling Sil that all their business is intertwined with Phil's and the Vito situation is screwing it all up. He is becoming a liability and has to be dealt with. He says to have Carlo take care of it.

Back in Paris Carmela is getting even more moved as she is walking through a beautiful church. Looking at the architecture, the kids in the pews. It's all moving her to her soul. We then cut to Tony getting a blowjob from a stripper as he drives her home. A moment that moves him to his soul as well.

That night Vito is on his way to his motel room in Fort Lee. He calls Tony and sets up a meeting for the next morning. Tony wants to know who his Atlantic City contacts are. As Vito gets in his motel room he is jumped from behind and beat with some pipes by a couple of thugs. They gag him with duct tape and shove him to the floor. Then out of the closet comes Phil. No, not in the euphemistically gay sense. He literally comes out of the closet. As he slowly sits on the bed Vito can tell he's a dead man and starts pleading through his gag. Phil just looks at him and calls him a "fucking disgrace," gives a nod and then his goons beat him to death right there with pipes. Now that's a good whack!

The next day at Satriale's the word gets out. Not only was Vito beaten to death, but they found a pool cue rammed up his ass. There is a moment of silence. "Lover's quarrel maybe?" Christopher says. "Look, we all know who did this." Tony answers. He sits there quietly and sees the look on his men. Tony decides to do some damage control, spinning the whole episode as Phil saving him a lot of trouble. But he is pissed. He takes Sil outside for a talk. "This wasn't about Vito. It was about me. Phil is saying he can do whatever the f*ck he wants including killing one of my captains, and I can't do shit about it." Then Sil floats the idea of going to war with Phil. Tony isn't for it saying that the last time two families went to war it lasted seven years. And when his people are out on the mattresses they aren't earning. "All Phil cares about is f*ckin' money," Tony tells him. Hmmm, So they leave us thinking that Tony will strike soon, but at one of Phil's money interests. They mention a "wire room" in Sheep's Head Bay that Phil runs. During their conversation Carmela calls to say hi. Tony asks her how the French bread and French fries are out there. That's about the extent of his knowledge of French culture. And he wants to know if she's seen Inspector Clouseau yet. The funny one, not the Steve Martine one.

In Paris Carmela is still waxing poetic about the beauty of the city and its history, while Rosie is waxing poetic at the prospect of getting her 95-year-old cooter aired out when she makes a date with a 26-year-old French stud. As they walk along the ruins of some ancient Roman baths, she gets even more melancholic (is that a word?). "When Tony was in the hospital. When it was touch and go, he came out of his coma one night and said 'Who am I. Where am I going.' Now I know what he meant."

Back in Jersey Phil is comforting his sister, Vito's husband. "I loved him like a brother-in-law," he tells her. Nice one. But still, with his lifestyle, he says that for the kid's sake "Maybe it's better not to have him as a role model." So it's almost a good thing that he got beat to death and had a pool cue rammed up his ass. Phil is a glass half full kinda guy.

At Melfi's office Tony is complaining about his loser son A.J. He caught him in his underwear laughing like a pansy while talking with friends on the internet. Which is true unless it was the TVgasm forums. The only people who go there are super cool. "I wanted to smash his f*ckin face in." he confesses. If only he grew up like Tony did, maybe getting smacked around a little bit, he would be more of a man. Melfi takes the opposite tact saying that maybe because he didn't grow up that way that means he won't grow up and take his anger out on other people. He won't feel the need to dominate others.

At a fancy French restaurant Carmela is continuing her mood trip. As they are getting served their meal Carmela decides to ask Rosie about her dead son. Rosie, correctly, asks Carmela why she wants to talk about this stuff while they are on a vacation in Paris. Talk about a buzzkill. "Why would you bring New Jersey here?" she asks. Then she tells her she is going out with her boy toy tonight. Carmela says that's fine, she is going to spend the night walking the Seine one last time.

Back in Jersey Silvio is cleaning up in the back at Satriale's as Carlo is chopping up some vegetables and making lunch. Fat Dom then shows up with some money from a "business venture." Fat Dom mind you is part of Phil's crew and was one of the guys that killed Vito. He sits down and starts to break Sil and Carlo's balls about Vito being gay. The first few times he gets a few dirty looks but they let it go. Fat Dom keeps at it. Then he says something about how the guitar playing on Darkness on the Edge of Town was substandard at best. This sets Silvio into a rage and he smashes his Handivac over his head. He grabs him from behind and the Carlo stabs him with his chef's knife over and over again until Fat Dom collapses on the table covered in blood. Now that's what I'm talking about! Nothing like a good whack to get the blood pumping!

Once Sil realizes they have a 300 pound dead body laying on their table, he is pissed. They'll wait until later and cut the body up somewhere offsite. His plans don't go so well as Tony shows up later on. When he sees the back door is locked he starts banging on it. Sil meets him there and stops him from coming in. "You don't want to come in here," he warns him. Tony pushes his way in and sees Fat Dom laying in a sheet on the floor. "Sil hit him first," Carlo says like a 5 year old. Tony just storms out pissed.

That night Tony goes into the living room to see A.J. playing Xbox with his loser friends. He says he wants to see him in the garage a minute. He has a job for him working construction. He is gonna show up there tomorrow morning at 7 AM, no matter what. He grabs him buy his hair. "You're my son. I love you. I just wanna see you do good." He tells him. "I'd just as soon keep looking online," A.J. says. Yeah right. Tony doesn't buy it and to make his point more forcefully he smashes the windshield of his car and says that if he doesn't show up there tomorrow, he'll lose his car, his clothes, and eventually his room. "Don't put me to the test." he whispers in his ear as he goes inside.

In Paris on their final night Carmela dreams of Adriana walking the streets. Wow, that must've been a nice gig for Drea de Matteo. Fly her out to Paris for one shot and one line. Where can I get that gig. The next morning as they are leaving the hotel Rosie stops and exclaims "Shit. The Toulouse Lautrec placemats!!" She runs back to their room as Carmela wanders the street, her eyes fixed on a statue of a child's face. Who knew Jersey mafia wives were so introspective?

Finally, the episode ends for some odd reason with a photographer noticing Vito's picture in the paper and saying that he knows who he is. He took his picture for the Thin Club. Then he shows the woman next to him the picture he took of Vito showing him doing the Jared "I'm wearing my big pants now to show how much weight I lost" look. F'ing Jared. I hate that prick.

So what did everyone else think? Does anyone miss Vito? Or even Fat Dom?

Posted by EdHIll at 9:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (18)

m_ruv, B-Side, J-Unit, Jash, and The Qwertz

We hope everyone's enjoying a fine Memorial Day Weekend. May your adventures be similarly infested with reality stars and drunken comments such as "Every time I hear 'The Final Countdown,' I think of you and Lisa Rinna."

Sincerely,

TVgasm

Posted by at 7:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

With the premiere of The Hills just around the corner, MTV has decided to inundate us with a giant marathon of Laguna Beach today. Until 10 PM EST, MTV will be all Laguna, all the time. So like totally watch! Otherwise you're so standard.

Posted by at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Oprah Winfrey's Legends Ball, 5/21/06, ABC

Behold the splendor of Cicely Tyson.

Posted by at 5:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

By Umnata

As I continue my coverage from way beyond the sidelines, I take on the CBS schedule, which was revealed last week at the annual "upfronts", the first presentation of the networks fall schedules to advertisers. Here's what CBS has got going on in 2006-2007.

As much TV as I watch, and umm, it’s a lot, I don’t really get into much of the CBS lineup. Over the past few years CBS has dyed some of its grey hair and with the help of CSI and reality-hits like The Amazing Race and Survivor, has started to reach a younger, more lucrative, demographic. With so many shows performing well, they aren’t looking to make all that many changes to their schedule, only premiering 3 new dramas and 1 comedy at the start of the regular season. The fact that CBS is only putting one true procedural on the air (at least it’s a law show, and not another CSI – damn you William Peterson and your exemplary crime scene investigation skills!) is proof that the risks they are taking are existent, yet measured. Kind of like when a senior citizen changes their Metamucil flavor.

Since only four new shows are premiering, a lot of last year’s schedule remains intact: CBS wisely put Yes, Dear and Still Standing out of their (our) misery (although be careful, we’ve thought these shows had been gone before, and they’ve come back from the grave to haunt us at mid-season); Both Out of Practice and the mid-season Courting Alex were dumped once they moved out of the cushy post-Two and a Half-Menand 300 Hollywood Hookers timeslot and bombed on Wednesday nights. The only quality shows that didn’t make it were the underperforming Sci-Fi Threshold (someone please make Carla Gugino a star already) and the too-little too-late fan favorite, Love Monkey. And don’t worry, all you Kevin James/Stacey Carosi fans out there: The King of Queens will be back at midseason after a last minute deal was made with the stars that I’m assuming gave Kevin James more money and time off for his movie career, and, one can only imagine, the sacrifice of a holy virgin to appease the Scientology Gods for Leah Remini. Let’s see what else is in store for us next season on the least cool network on television.

Sunday

DAMN YOU ANDERSON COOPER STOP STARING THROUGH MY SOUL

I don’t know how long it’s been on, but at 7:00 pm will be yet another season of 60 Minutes. Seems like pretty standard stuff, but there’s actually a mini-shake up with the retirement of Mike Wallace and the hiring of news’ very own silver fox (no, not Taylor Hicks), Anderson Cooper, for a few segments over the course of the season. The Amazing Race (which with House over at FOX is my most regrettable wish-I-watch-it show on television) is in its third time slot in as many years, anchoring the night at 8:00 pm. Cold Case sticks around at 9:00 pm and will continue to be Television’s least buzzed about hit show. In one of it’s boldest schedule moves, CBS moves the second highest rated drama on television, Without a Trace to Sundays at 10:00 pm, which might be a pretty smart move with the relocation of Grey’s Anatomy to Thursdays on ABC. Without a Trace has really hit its stride this year, and it's fun to watch because all of the FBI agents are just oh so pretty. Well, except for the unfortunate Marianne Jean-Baptiste whom no amount of new hairstyles and makeup can fix. As a matter of fact, half the pleasure of the show happens whenever there is an interrogation. You can tell the person on the other side of the table thinks they have been arrested by two “FBI Agents” for excessive naughtiness and are going to be treated to a striptease and a spanking. Honestly, what federal agents look like Poppy Montgomery?! Or maybe that’s just what I’m thinking about while watching…

Monday

COOLEST CAST ON TELEVISION? TRUST ME I DIDN’T SEE IT COMING EITHER.

Moving to 8:00 pm is my biggest surprise from last year, How I Met Your Mother. As I mentioned in my FOX recap, I’m contractually bound by Joss Whedon to watch anything involving a Buffy/Angel cast member, in this case the Sapphic Sorceress herself, Willow Rosenberg, a.k.a. Alyson Hannigan. What I was not expecting was to fall so hard and so quickly in DVR–season pass–level adoration with this show. If you haven’t checked it out yet, it’s definitely worth a look. It can get a little too romantic comedy-ish (says the guy who just wrote the word adoration), but it more than makes up for it in the laughs department. Neil Patrick Harris erases all memories of Doogie Howser and channels the Neil Patrick Harris many of us fell in love with not in Clara’s Heart, but rather in Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle. AND to top off its cool quotient (even though it’s on the CBS), Nick/Eric from Freaks and Geeks/Undeclared is in it! What more do you need? After a great season finale (Marshall and Lily- NOOO Ted & Robyn YAY), if any show is poised to break out in its sophomore season, I’ve got to think this is the one.

Premiering at 8:30 is The Class, which was one of the first pilots picked up by any network this season (after a pretty intense bidding war), which I imagine bodes pretty well. The show is about a group of twentysomethings (are there any other kind of groups on television?) who were friends in third grade and are reunited 20 years later. Cutesy for sure, but Jason Ritter has turned into quite a likable and effective comedian à la his late pop, John. He heads the cast along with uber-likable Joey refugee Andrea Anders and Mean Girl-hater Janice Ian (Lizzy Caplan). I have enough goodwill left over from HIMYM to give this show a whirl. Sticking around at 9:00 is the inexplicably number one rated comedy on television Two and a Half Men. I just don’t get the appeal of this show, and I find it hard to watch, mostly because the tabloid circus that is Charlie Sheen is far more entreating. Furthermore, it’s hard to watch the poor chubby kid playing the half man from the title. With all the debauchery going on around him, he’s only about 5 seasons away from a starring role on Child Stars: Where Are They Now, saying something like: “Then I lost my virginity to a coke whore in Uncle Charlie’s trailer… and that’s when I realized I had hit bottom.” Shudder. Bringing up the end of the comedy-block is Seinfeld curse disparager Julia-Louis Dreyfuss’ midseason hit, The New Adventures of Old Christine. Don’t let the cumbersome title fool you: this show is actually quite funny, thanks in no small part to Ms. Dreyfuss’ excessive charm. 10:00 pm is CSI: Miami which despite the inclusion of David Caruso continues to perform exceptionally. I heard that this show ended with a … wait for it… wait for it… bang this season, but I just couldn’t care less.

Tuesday

CBS will again go with NCIS at 8:00 pm; so my parents and grandmother will still have something to watch on Tuesdays. Actually, based on the big numbers this show puts up, chances are most people’s parents are tuning in to see how Mark Harmon went from Summer School to lame navy procedural. Sticking around at 9:00 pm is midseason’s The Unit, a show I actually wanted to catch if only because it comes from the cerebral mind of playwright David Mamet (Glengarry Glenross). When he’s not being assassinated on 24 or scaring me into buying Allstate car insurance, Dennis Haysbert shows up to star in this show with Felicity/Jennifer Garner castoff. Scott Foley. Alas, this show has no shot with me again this season as it is up against the luminous/sublime/genius Veronica Mars and better shows I’m interested in checking out (right now, NBC’s new show Kidnapped and FOX’s House are the frontrunners for the coveted DVR slot). At 10:00 pm is the premiere of Shark about a (tell me if you’ve heard this one before) former high-power attorney (stop it) who decides to quit his job (I’m listening…) and become a prosecutor (no way) and mentor a bunch of young, inexperienced, and I’m willing to bet attractive, Assistant District Attorneys (shut your mouth!). Jeri Ryan is around to add some spice, and you’re interest in this show will be in direct proportion to how high your James Woods threshold is. My James Woods-ometer maxes out at 4, so chances are I’ll be catching up on my DVR at this point in the night.

Wednesday

LOOK YOU PUT THIS GUY ON CRIMINAL MINDS AND MAYBE I’LL CHECK IT OUT.

The lead off slot belongs to the new show, Jericho, starring Skeet Ulrich. No, it’s not a show about obnoxious people living on Long Island, NY, but rather a small town that is cut off from the rest of the world after a mysterious nuclear explosion. The show looks pretty intriguing -- I just hope it learned a lesson from the slow-burning Invasion on ABC. That show took way too long to get really good and was thus cancelled, but if Jericho gets the ball rolling quickly, it might have a shot. Unfortunately, early word suggests that Jericho does not take my advice. At 9:00 pm CBS is keeping the surprise hit Criminal Minds put since it was able to more than hold its own again Lost and American Idol in its premiere season. Again, not a show I ever got into, which is surprising because there was a time I thought I would follow Inigo Montoya to the ends of the earth to find out who killed his father. Alas, the ends of the earth was CBS’ lineup that had Inigo letting his dominant personality, Mandy Patinkin, overtake him and charge him with solving dastardly crimes that Stabler does a better job of working out over on Law & Order: SVU. CSI: NY closes the night. I wonder if this show has gotten any better in the last two years? Since Melina Kanakaredes is still sniffing around I’m going to guess, no.

Thursday

Reality staple Survivor will be premiering it’s next band of merry masochists after a low-buzz season. They are going to need to kick it up a notch this season since the 8:00 pm timeslot is going to be tougher than last year (with NBC moving it’s two very buzzed about sitcoms My Name Is Earl and The Office back to the Must-See TV leadoff spots). At 9:00 pm is the number one rated drama, CSI, which is going to face it’s first real competition (sorry Mr. Trump) when the seemingly unstoppable Grey’s Anatomy shows up on ABC in this timeslot. My guess? Both shows will take a hit and both shows will be fine. Taking the place of Without a Trace (which made a move to Sundays at 10:00) will be the new series Smith, headlined by Ray Liotta, which centers around his character, a high-stakes thief who, along with his team of crooks, pulls off Ocean’s Eleven-style heists, only a little darker and with a lot less quipping. CBS gave it one of the best timeslots on television, so hopes are running high. With a cast that includes Virginia Madsen, Amy Smart (finally realizing that she’s never going to be a movie star), Simon Baker and Angelina’s ex, Jonny Lee Miller, the producers will have to try pretty hard to mess this one up.

Friday

THIS WAY, IF ONE OF THE GHOSTS TRIES BASHING IN HER HEAD, SHE HAS THAT HELMET TO PROTECT HER. DUH.

Friday. Or as I like to call it, the least interesting night on television. Ghost Whisperer comes back (supposedly) without it’s best asset: Aisha Tyler (or will we hear from her from the beyyyyond). At 9:00 pm, the transplanted hit, Close to Home, tries it’s second season without husband Christian Kane (Lindsey on Angel) to bog down Annabeth on her crusade for safety in the ‘burbs. I caught this show a few times last season, and it actually wasn’t so bad. It wasn’t so good either. It’s okay on a Friday night if you are staying in. And you’re all caught up on your DVR. And there’s nothing on DVD you want to watch. Lastly is Numb3ers, a show about Rob Morrow (huh?) solving crimes (what?) using math (say that again). Inexplicably, this show is a hit, despite Navi Rawat (Theresa, The O.C.’s resident life ruiner and, now that Marissa is dead, Ryan’s potential true love). It’s also hard to watch a show that so blatantly wastes the talents of David Krumholtz as the math-loving brother mentioned above.

Saturday

Crimetime Saturday from 8 – 10 – umm, I have no idea what that means, but I think this is where you’ll be able to catch those coveted NCIS reruns, followed by 48 Hours: Mystery.

Posted by at 2:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

By Umnata

Last week, the networks revealed and previewed their fall schedules in what's called "the upfronts." Here is a look at Fox's slate.

Fox is really going with an “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” attitude for its upcoming season. The new dramas they greenlit are primarily dramas that will fit in quite nicely with hits like 24, Bones and Prison Break. Not that I’m complaining, since I love all three of those shows. Fox did have a few surprises up it’s sleeve however. Well not a few, but one big one: the midseason return of The Loop, one of the big surprise renewals of the season. They are also giving the scripted sitcom a whirl, with the inclusion of two new comedies, one of which looks promising, the other of which does not (and both of which will get crushed on Thursdays at 8:00).

Sunday:

Animation Domination will continue as Sundays will be a safe haven for Fox’s animated hits. For much of the fall the 7 – 8 hour will be allotted for football game overruns, and/or comedy reruns. After that, we’ll get the 18th (!) season of The Simpsons. You realize that if The Simpsons actually aged, Maggie would be the hottest piece of legal tail this side of the Olsens. Except a cartoon. The two worst shows on the lineup (making this a so-so night until King of the Hill comes back in January at 7:30 pm), American Dad and The War at Home are switching timeslots to 8:30 pm and 9:30 pm respectively. Personally, I think that a) people should stop hiring Michael Rappaport because his show is so bad it’s actually insulting, and b) Fox should cancel American Dad because although that show has its moments, I think this attention to it has taken away from The Family Guy (9:00 pm). After Family Guy, was miractualously saved from a lifetime of AdultSwim reruns and brought back to Fox, it has yet to live up the promise of its earlier episodes. And thanks to a South Park parody this season, I can’t watch it without laughing AT it. Damn you, Cartman!

Monday:

Please don’t go… Please don’t go… Don’t GOOOOO… I’m begging you to stay

Mondays are one of those nights that Fox is really playing with in the Fall/Winter season changes. Like last year, they are going to give Prison Break, a jump on the competition by premiering it in the late summer, a great idea because I need to find out if Dr. Sara Tencredi really OD’d or not (word on the street, and by street I mean my cubicle, is that she was supposed to die, but Fox higher-ups want her to have a last minute reprieve and live on…I never thought I’d say this but… Thank you Rupert Murdoch). At 9:00 pm, Fox will premiere another serialized mystery with Vanished. The trailer of this show leans on a lot of borrowed material from both 24 and the ccccccraptacular Da Vinci Code. The story centers around the year long search for a senator’s (John Allen Nelson, President Logan’s scapegoat, Walt Cummings, in this past season of 24) wife who has gone missing. The team that is searching for her is led by Gale Harold of Queer as Folk fame and includes Noxzema girl (and Dylan McKay slain wife) Rebecca Gayheart and Ming Na (I. Hate. Mulan.). The words “centuries old mystery” were strewn about, and I think it would’ve played a lot better before 34,724,370,283 billion people either saw or read The Da Vinci Code. All that being said, Fox seems to be riding high on this show, which means very little, but might equal an early season viewing.

Oddly, in the winter both of these shows disappear off the schedule. Prison Break had this happen to it (for 4 months) this year and for better or worse was just fine. I’m wondering about what will happen to Vanished if Fox does end up with a hit on their hands. Regardless, Vanished is gone from at least the 9:00 pm timeslot to make way for Jack Bauer and company on 24. Let’s just hope that the rumors are false that the next season will kickoff on the next hour right after this season ends because I’m pretty sure that it would take about a season and a half for Jack to get to China on the freight ship. Anchoring the evening will be Standoff, (which will premiere in the fall Tuesdays at 8 PM) starring Ron Livingston, aka Berger from Sex in the City (a show I honestly never watched, except for the episode after Berger breaks up with Carrie on a PostIt note. Genius!). The show is basically about a team of hostage negotiators who are all sleeping together. Think Grey’s Anatomy meets Bones. The cast is pretty good (it also includes Gina Torres and Rosemarie DeWitt), and the promo looks fun (if not familiar), so it sounds like it’s worth a look.

Tuesday:

In the fall Standoff will show at 8:00 pm, moving to Mondays at 8:00 PM in the winter, if it makes it that far. Followed by the #1 show on television that I have to make room for on my DVR, House. Tuesdays at 9:00 are just a really bad time for me, and don’t look like they are getting any better. But House is supposedly coming off of an even better sophomore year, and I need to catch up on DVD this summer. Tell me if I’m wrong!

In the winter, a little show called American Idol will be returning to the schedule at 8:00 pm, making karaoke fans across the country go into seizures (I’m not making fun – I’m the first one to make sure I don’t swallow my own tongue). It will be interesting to see how, if at all, this year’s show will affect next season's performances. The early ousting of gay-hating Mandisa, the upset that was Chris Daughtry (tear), the inclusion of Bucky Convington on national television. I’m personally not a huge fan of either Katharine McPhee (Kanye West looks downright modest compared to her) or Taylor Hicks (S.I.P. – Elliot Yamin), so I wonder if people may possibly become even slightly disenchanted with the show after this season? I mean, come on, Taylor Hicks as the American Idol? At the very least, Simon is going to be sipping Paula’s cup o’fun next season. House stays put at 9:00 pm.

Wednesday:

Justice starring Victor Garber and his enormous ears.

Bones will lead off the evening in the fall, hopefully riding high off a pretty interesting season finale (Bones’ father is… ALIVE!?!?!). I’m not a big fan of procedurals, but this one is a little quirky, and the introduction of a long term story arc has piqued my interest. Not to mention that I am contractually obligated to watch anything by a former member of the Buffy/Angel-verse. At 9:00 pm, the new show, Justice, about a team of high(yawn)priced lawyers shows only slight promise because of Victor Garber (Daddy Bristow on Alias – tear) and Kerr Smith – who reminds me of a younger, saner, more Top Gun-Centric Tom Cruise (wait… is that a compliment?). If Kerr Smith and Tom Cruise’s name together means something to you, that’s because he was Jack on Dawson’s Creek, which starred Katie Holmes, who is currently having sex with Tom Cruise. AHH Six Degrees of Tom Cruise’s penis! This show will sink or swim based on quality (Jerry Bruckheimer produced it – which means pretty to look at but probably emotionally vacuous) and cast chemistry.

Again all bets are off this Winter, with the incoming American Idol Results show (snoooore – anyone else miss Brain Dunkleman? Seriously.) at 9:00 pm. Justice will be moved to 8:00 pm (Bones is off to Fridays at 8:00 pm). But the real news here is the return of The Loop. The show was all but forgotten after lackluster ratings this spring, but I loooooved it! It’s now getting the plum post-American Idol time slot at 9:30 in the hopes of being the first successful live action sitcom that Fox has launched since That 70’s Show premiered in 1998. The show is being tweaked a little to focus more on the workplace antics that Sam (Brett Harrison, memorable for his performance as Danny, the guy with the BIG humor in season 2 of The O.C.), a fresh out of college Airline executive who got hired based solely on his thesis paper, gets into at work. The workplace cast is way better than the at home cast that bogged down the show this season, with Mimi Rogers and Philip Baker Hall as Sam’s bosses. Please watch.

Thursday:

Speaking of Fox sitcoms, the network is premiering two in the no-longer-as-competitive-as-it-used-to-be 8:00 – 9:00 pm timeslot. First up is Til Death, starring Eddie Kaye Thomas (FINCH) and Kat Foster as newlyweds who think marriage is fun until they move next door to long married soul crushers Brad Garrett and Joely Fischer. Sounds a little like Married… with Children, and that’s not a bad thing. Executed properly, I think this could be pretty good. At the upfronts last week, it seems Brad Garrett took to the stage and made an ass out of himself, making fun of everyone from Fox itself to CBS to poor drugged out Paula Abdul who was in the audience. It seemed to backlash as he was met with crickets. Insert Everyone Loves Raymond joke here. At 8:30 pm, Happy Hour premieres about a bunch of twentysomethings who are trying to balance work and play. It stars a bunch of nobodies and although I look forward to a show of this kind to be done well, early word is that Happy Hour is not that show. At 9:00 pm The O.C. returns, and while the season finale (please see the J-Unit and B-side clipgasm posted last week to further understand – hysterical), and the full-time return of creator Josh Schwartz left me with some hope, this is really the last shot this show has at winning me back. In the meantime, it will (continue) to struggle in the ratings up against CSI, Supernatural, and the newly replanted Grey’s Anatomy (which I’m pretty sure has many of the same viewers as The O.C.). The schedule remains the same in the winter.

Friday:

Usually, I have very little interest in Friday Night programming, which is a shame because sometimes over the weekend it’s noice to have a fresh episode of something to watch on my DVR. In the fall, Fox will continue its attempts to completely ruin the family unit across the country with the reality liferuiners shows Nanny 911 and Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy.

In the winter, Bones will get transplanted to Fridays at 8:00, and I think it will do pretty well there. It won’t be helped, however, by the midseason premier of The Wedding Album, starring the Carver himself, Bruno Campos, as a sought after wedding photographer who, get this, can’t settle down himself! Only noteworthy for co-starring my favorite ex-America’s Next Top Model, Eva Pigford.

Saturday:

For literally the 21084393880398 season, an hour of Cops will be followed at 9:00 pm by America’s Most Wanted.

Posted by at 6:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

American Idol, 5/24/06, FOX

Okay, okay. One more tiny Clipgasm. Sometimes on American Idol, singers hit notes so bad, they just have to be immortalized. Take, for instance, the sound that Kevin Covais, Chris Daughtry, and Ace Young made last night midway through the Burt Bacharach medley. The combination of Ace's falsetto with Chris's moody howling and Kevin's lisping was nothing short of disastrous. And by "disasatrous," I mean wonderful.

Posted by at 5:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

By Umnata

Last week in New York City, Madison Avenue was overcome with swag-aholic advertisers to whom the networks unveiled their fall schedules, otherwise known as the "upfronts." It’s during this week that we find out which of our favorite shows are getting renewed (yay! Veronca Mars and The Loop), which ones are getting the boot (I’ll never let go, Everwood. I’ll never let go), and which we’re soon to obsess over (potential so far: Heroes, Vanished, Ugly Betty). So without further ado here’s what went down last week in New York, starting with The CW.

Dawn Ostroff is a genius. And a monster. The President of the Network formed by the merging of fledgling mini-nets The WB and UPN has taken the best of both those networks and has left us with a strong 2006 schedule that looks more like a hit factory than the nonsense that either network had this year - when you’re building shows around Rebecca Romijn-Stamos-O’Connell & Shannon Elizabeth, you might be in trouble. Some of the favorites picked up here have been picked up with a contingency plan: Veronica Mars, 7th Heaven and One Tree Hill have all been given 22 episode orders (standard) with a clause that allows the CW to let them go if they don’t perform up to par. So watch Veronica Mars this season, or the show will be cancelled, and it will be YOUR fault. Canned shows include: Everwood, What I Like About You, Related, Pepper Dennis, Cuts and Eve. Also of note, to someone I’m sure, is that Reba was picked up at the last minute as a mid-season replacement, apparently because the CW would’ve been fined millions of dollars for canceling the show due to its contract stipulations.

Sunday:

In a move that I’m surprised hasn’t caused even the slightest uproar, most of the African-American Themed shows from the CW have been cancelled, while the remaining 3 have been relegated to Sunday nights. I’m psyched that Everybody Hates Chris has been moved to 7:00 pm because now I’m guaranteed that I’ll be able to check it out, as I’ve heard the show based on Chris Rock’s childhood is hysterical. You know, like Chris Rock used to be? Next up is All of Us and Girlfriends, which I never watched in the 239819283 seasons they’ve been on, and don’t think I’ll be checking them out as they will be up against The Simpsons. 9:30 premieres the new show, The Game, which is about the wives/girlfriends of a bunch of football players. The trailers for it actually look kind of funny.

Monday:

Dawn Ostroff made the decision to bring back 7th Heaven, even though they’ve been promoting the Final Goodbye for months and even drugged and propped up Barry Watson and Jessica Biel to come back for the finale (How pisst are they right now?). It’s been confirmed by Ostroff that in order for 7th Heaven to live, Everwood had to die an untimely death. Which is the sole reason for the monster comment up above. As a matter of fact, when the CW initially launched it’s website, Everwood was included on it. Then the SERIES finale saw seven million viewers say goodbye to the twin-sprouting Camden clan, and Ostroff made a switch-a-roo and canned Everwood. Sure, 7th Heaven’s finale drew big ratings, but many people who watched the episode are admitting that they ONLY watched because it was the SERIES finale! And Everwood is just so good. Hannah & Bright! Ephram & Amy! I’ll never let go.... Unfortunately, except for the television network I run in my head, I have no real say in the matter; so I’m just going to have to deal with the hand that I’ve been dealt. You’ve won this round Ostroff, but the war is FAR from over! At 9 PM the new family drama/thriller, Runaway starring Donny “The Right Stuff” Wahlberg as a guy who is on the run – but to keep with the family theme of the evening, he brings his wife & kids with him! Think 24 meets Prison Break meets, well, 7th Heaven. Buzz is pretty good so far. Buzz would be better if the show was called Everwood and starring Treat Williams, but whatever, I’m not bitter.

Tuesday

Best. Night. Ever.

Well, you did one thing right, my dear friend: the glorious and poorly rated Veronica Mars (watch next season or face my wrath) will return at 9 PM on Tuesdays with a new structure that will have mysteries being solved in three seven-to-nine-episode arcs to keep the show more accessible to viewers. I don’t really care how they change the show after that amazing season finale (best hour of television this season), I couldn’t imagine anything that would stop me from coming back for more. Kicking the night off at 8 PM will be the WB staple Gilmore Girls, which is losing its creator and head writers, the eccentric (read: crazy) Amy Sherman-Palladino and her husband Dan Palladino. The two of them are pretty much wholly responsible for all of the pop-culture soaked, machine gun fire dialogue that give the show its punch. It’ll be interesting to see what happens with them two of them off on “other projects” (read: unemployed) because they couldn’t come to a satisfying deal (read: greedy) with Warner Brothers.

Wednesday:

Thanks in no small part to E! Online’s Save One Show campaign, the crap-tastic show One Tree Hill is coming back at 9 PM, which means that Chad Michael Murray will be able to find wives # 3 & 4 without a problem. Again, how is this show coming back? That show will be paired up with America’s Next Top Model (in the fall) and Beauty and the Geek (in the Spring) on Wednesday nights, two of my favorite reality shows on television -- because they are all about pretty people. And I like pretty people.

Thursday:

The new ad campaign is going to be: “Demographic Wet Dream” Thursdays on the CW! Sticking around at 8:00 pm is Smallville, after holding its own in the tough time slot this season. Funny sidenote: the creators said that they had always intended on having the Clark-Lana-Lex love triangle but had to wait until the 5th season so all parties were legally of age. This week on Smallville: Clark and Chloe have to fight the town’s newest foe: Statutory Man! At 9 PM, hopefully Supernatural will live up to some of the early promise it showed (and its kick ass season finale). Also, Denny-aholics will likely see our favorite Seattle Grace Heart Patient in at least a few episodes (if not as a series regular). He plays Dean (Jensen Ackles) and Sam (Jared Padilecki)’s ghostbusting dad. Either way, fanboys and teenage girls are already drooling. It should also be noted that the Aquaman spin-off that was buzzed about ever since the Smallville episode where Arthur Curry showed up, is missing from the CW’s schedule.

Friday:

WWE Smackdown. All night. I don’t think there is much more to say.

Anything you’re looking forward to next season on the CW? Runaway does look promising, but thriller overload anyone? I think Veronica Mars and Smallville both ended their seasons on high notes (YAY BEAVER AND PHANTHOM ZONE!), and I’m definitely interested in what major changes lie in store for Gilmore Girls. What do you think?

Posted by at 4:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

American Idol, 5/24/06, FOX

We promised you two Clipgasms today. Here's the moment everyone's been talking about...

Posted by at 4:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (32)

Fresh off his stint of doing, uh, nothing, Stephen Colletti from Laguna Beach will be guest VJing for MTV this summer at the beach house. His responsibilities will include being dreamy, making weird noises, and being dreamy some more. Now, why would Stephen be selected as host of the MTV Summer Sizzle? According to the press release, when he initially appeared on Laguna Beach, "young women across the country were instantly smitten with his charisma and picture perfect looks." In other news, young women across the country are IDIOTS. Eh, to each his own. Or her own, as it were. Look forward to Stephen's next fifteen minutes of fame starting June 2nd on TRL.

Posted by at 3:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I know that some of you still may not know who won American Idol, so I am not going to spoil your recap, live blog or McPheever Party reading, but we wanted to remind everybody that TVgasm is here to help you out with the aftermath. You probably feel like either celebrating the victory or forgetting the defeat, and one of best ways to do that is with unhealthy levels of alcohol consumption. What better way to facilitate that consumption than with a set of Melrose Place shot glasses? Last week, we mentioned that SOAPnet is having a Melrose Place viewer's choice Marathon on Saturday, May 27th. While you can no longer vote for which episodes you would like to see, we still have plenty of shot glasses to give away. Simply e-mail contests@tvgasm.com and with the subject Melrose Place and a short description of your favorite Melrose Place episode or character. Five lucky winners will receive a Melrose Place gift pack with a tank top (men's and women's) and Melrose Place shot glasses (Michael-Hot Shot, Jake-Body Shot, Amanda-Big Shot, Kimberly-Shot to Hell) from our pals at SOAPnet. While the shot glasses might not make it in time to add to your McHangover, I am sure they will be perfect for that crazy Flag Day celebration you've been planning. It's so easy to enter and don't forget to check out SOAPnet this weekend to see which Melrose Place episodes were voted the best.

Also, I know I have been a little lax about updating people on contests, so I am listing the winners after the jump.

First, if you have won, I have already contacted you. I didn't mean to leave people hanging for so long, but you will have a chance to win for the next TVgasm contest. Also, if you haven't received a prize, please let me know by sending me an e-mail (you can find it on the about page) and I'll bust a kneecap or two.

Amazing Race 9

Per usual, we had a contest asking TVgasm readers to pick who they thought would win. Reader WS was the first to reply with BJ and Tyler, Eric and Jeremy, and Ray and Yolanda in the correct order. 15 people actually got this one right, but clearly didn't visit TVgasm as often as WS, and so they were a little late.

WooHoo! I usually suck so bad at these contests I can't believe I won. How lame am I that I am so excited? I am so hooked on TVgasm it will probably be the reason I lose my job. You just keep getting better and better, keep it up!

Survivor 12

We also had a contest picking the final three for the latest Survivor. The first person to get it correct was reader JC.

Wow! I feel so honored....and I had even forgotten about entering this! I'll miss crazy Shane and his "Blackberry" and mama Cirie cracking up at the camera every 5 minutes, but looking forward to next season as always! Keep up the good work. Y'all crack me up and certainly kill my productivity at work :-).

Monk Scavenger Hunt

We had a scavenger hunt sponsored by the television show Monk. People had so much fun, I think we may have to do another one sometime soon. First place went to reader SF of Phoenix, Arizona. SF didn't have much to say other than madeyoulaugh is her favorite writer because she likes guys "with a sense of humor and a mean streak". I guess I should try being funny one of these days! Enjoy your DVD box set of Monk Season 2, signed script and t-shirt SF.

Also winning t-shirts were readers MB, HL, JE and AS. AS wanted to make sure that everybody knew that she "completed the scavenger hunt while at work, and as a government employee, they should be pleased with how I am effectively utilizing their tax dollars!". Hey, it's not like any of us will be collecting social security anyway...

Cheerleader Nation

Lifetime premiered the reality series Cheerleader Nation this year and TVgasm had a contest. We asked you to name your favorite cheerleading moments in television or the movies. There were so many answers that I can't mention to name them all, but the consensus was Kevin Spacey daydreaming about Mena Suvari from American Beauty. It's tough to decide what my favorite moment was, but I would have to go with the first season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when Buffy, Cordelia, and Amy all competing for that last place on the squad. Your winners were:

Reader ACJ (first place)

Favorite Moment: the early episode of Buffy where she goes out for cheerleading. Amanda Jones

Thanks, that's awesome! Especially since I would read TVGasm every day even if you *didn't* pay me. In fact, I would even say that a day without TVGasm is like a day without sunshine.

Reader CU (runner up)

Favorite Moment: Technically my favorite cheerleading moments came from my own four years on my high school squad, but the best cheerleading moment ever is Kevin Spacey fantasizing about Mena Souvari in American Beauty while she's performing a halftime cheer.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love it! As a former cheerleader I'd like all TVGasm readers to know that the activity itself is equal parts super cool and totally weird and cheesy, and the show worth watching. I am very excited, as TVGasm recaps are what get me to the office in the morning. Not on time, but I get there.

Reader ES (runner up)

Favorite Moment: In honor of my husband, who REALLY enjoys this particular scene, I'd like to enter the cheerleading scene from American Beauty. The one where everyone else fades away and all Kevin Spacey can see is his young crush seducing him...

I suppose this works out great! i sent in my favorite scene in honor of my husband...and he loves the prize i won! haha. Thanks again! I love tvgasm.com...this was wonderful news :)

The Sopranos

EdHill has been doing a great job keeping people updated on the Sixth season of the Sopranos, and TVgasm celebrated by having a contest. I am not actually sure if anybody received these gifts, but I am checking on it. Let me know if I lost you in the mix. Reader SH (first place)

Favorite Whacking: The first one would have to be Christopher & Paulie killing the Russian gangster. The death itself wasn't that fascinating... but the dialogue beforehand left me in stitches. This was the episode where the cell phone broke up while Tony was explaining who the guy was. He said he was in the ministry of the interior, but Paulie thought he said he was an interior decorator.

The second is when Tony has to kill Tony B. As much as I loved his cellphone playing "We are the Champions" when it rang, I was sick of his crap.

Third place goes to Adrianna's being shot by Sylvio. I was upset to see her go, but Christopher's comment about the whole thing and his remark that "the bitch" couldn't do a few years in prison for him, made me laugh.

And lastly... my favourite of the four... Paulie and Christopher bonding over killing the waiter in the parking lot. They've just had this huge dinner in Atlantic City and Christopher just barely pays for the meal. The waiter follows them outside to yell at them and Christopher hits him with a brick. The waiter starts to have a seizure and Paulie shoots him. It was surreal.

uhm, i'm sorry. here i was in my own little world, talking to myself, dreaming about candy bracelets.

thanks a bunch! :)

Reader JS (runner up)

Favorite Whacking: My favorite whack in the sopranos has to be Ralphie also – that was a classic soprano moment – also good was the "whacking" of Big Pussy!!

Wow!! Thank you!! I never win anything – The poster will be great!

Reader GB (runner up)

Favorite Whacking: My favorite Sopranos whacking, was the decapitation of Ralphie, because it was basically what I wanted to do to Joe Pantoliano for being on "BUT CAN THEY SING?" Well, for that, and for also having the nickname "Joey Pants.

Dreams do come true! TVgasm has provided me with tens of hundreds of minutes of Internet enjoyment, and I am truly honored to enter into the pantheon of contest winners. Bye bye, bitches!

Reader MM (runner up)

Favorite Whacking: Adriana's was my favorite whacking

That's it for now, but check TVgasm for more great contests!

Posted by at 3:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

American Idol, 5/24/06, FOX

We forgot to supply you with a Clipgasm yesterday; so today we're going to post two instead of one. Here's the first: it's Kevin Covais in all his lispy splendor from last night's American Idol finale.

Posted by at 3:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

Ladies and gentlemen, it's all over. The search for this year's American Idol has drawn to a conclusion, and one person -- Taylor Hicks or Katharine McPhee -- has walked away with the coveted title. Overall, it was a solid season, full of all the ups and downs and off-camera drama we've come to expect. As for the final episode? Well, it was a bit long. The first hour -- it worked. I liked it. Solid performances, solid bits (yes, I said it), and solid clips from days gone by. But then the program began to drag a bit in hour two. The whole "Golden Idol" thing got real old, real fast, and the number of musical medleys seemed to spiral out of control. Still, I can't complain too much. It's not like Idol's finale night has ever been anything but an insane showcase for copious amounts of filler. So let's stop wasting time and relive the big night!

For the record, I have now seen this damn finale three times today. Yes, three times. As readers of the previous Idol recaps may have known, I attended the official Katharine McPhee viewing party here in Los Angeles. That meant that I got to see the telecast live at 5 PM PST. It also meant that I had to stand amongst way more 12 year old girls than I would ever want to. I'll have photos of the experience up tomorrow sometime. Anyway, after I was done there, I headed to the TVgasm studios where we live blogged the show, and then it was back to my apartment where I watched a third and final time to take notes for this recap. Needless to say, if I have to relive a freakin' Golden Idol Award again, I'm going to crawl under a desk and cry. I will literally cry. Isn't that a shame that that's my reaction? So un-manly. That's what spending six hours with Idol will do to you.

Anyhoo...

As the show opens, Carrie Underwood waltzes out on the stage dressed in white. She's singing some dumb song about dreamers and whatnot -- clearly another product of the American Idol schlock factory [ed. note: apparently this was a Barry Manilow song. Same difference]. Carrie's soon joined by Taylor, who's dressed in all white also. It's like Tom Wolfe gone dreadfully wrong. Katharine walks out next, and eventually, the entire top twelve -- all decked out in white -- takes to the stage. If mental wards have singalongs, this is what they'd look like.

The song's main refrain is the typically generic "I made it through the rain." Look, it's not a big accomplishment. People survive the rain all the time. It's called an UMBRELLA. Oh, it's supposed to be symbolic? Whatever. It's still dumb. And like all stupid Idol originals, the song crescendos with a big ol' choir seeping onto the stage like gospel sludge.

Eventually, this number comes to a thankful end, and then it's time for the opening credits. Seacrest then takes to the stage, and we pause briefly to gaze at some stars. Ben Stiller (again -- he was there last night) and Heather Locklear! Denise Richards is so throwing tomatoes at her screen right now. We also see Lisa Tucker's parents, and look! It's Bucky's twin! Yay! Family! Now, let's never look at them again.

Ryan then introduces us to the judges, and tonight, each judge gets his or her own montage. Randy's segment focuses on his penchant for saying "Dude" and other silly things over and over again. In other words, it's a totally forgettable moment. To Randy's credit, he looks quite sharp in his suit and tie. Nice to see people dress up once in a while.

We then see Paula's montage, which is set to Whitney Houston's '80s classic, "I Get So Emotional Baby." Too bad there's no song called, "I Get So Crazy On Painkillers, Baby." We then see a pastiche of silly Paula moments (so many to choose from), and then it's time for the Simon montage. His is set to "If You Think I'm Sexy" and features him rubbing his finger on his nipples and mouth over and over again. Needless to say, I'm sure Ryan was quite aroused.

Ryan tries to relive last night's hug with Chris.

After introducing the judges, Ryan then shows us all the fans that our finalists have. We go to Taylor's hometown and oh my, there are thousands of people filling some stadium in Birmingham. I'll just say that at the McPhee viewing party, all the fans were shocked. Why? Oh, because there were only about 150 people there. Yeah. Bad news.

Anyway, hottie twins Becky and Jessie O'Donohue then greet us and tell us about all the crazy kids who have dyed their hair grey. One of the girls then says, "And it's all for the you-know-what." Huh? Does that mean the kids dyed their hair for sex? They sure are kinky over in Alabama.

We then cut to Tamyra Gray at the Universal City Walk where all of the McPhee fans have gathered. Avid viewers might notice that the camera stays tight on her. That's because there are barely enough fans there to fill the shot. Again, photos tomorrow. In an attempt to expose TVgasm to 200 million people around the world, I conveniently stand right behind Tamyra. Sadly, my TVgasm.com T-shirt is blocked, but later, I discover that my face has proudly made its way onto national television. It seems all cool and exciting at first, but then I realize that there's now a permanent record of me standing in a crowd with a bunch of teeny-bopper girls. Oh, the shame. The things we do for TVgasm!

After checking in on Katharine's alleged fan party, we then return to the Kodak Theater where Paris Bennett takes the stage. She has a great voice, but more importantly, she's still as punchable as ever. Why is she so annoying? Why? Midway through her song, she awkwardly introduces Al Jarreau, who comes out on stage all happy and excited. He's having the best time ever. At points, Paris looks at him as if to say, "Huh?" It's not necessarily a match made in heaven. Things get really exciting, however, when the two engage in a mini scat-off. Say what you will about Paris, but the girl knows how to scat. Oh, and for those of you wondering, Paula's up and dancing. Crazy time!

The song ends, and we go to commercial. When we return, it's the Battle of the Baldies! Chris Daughtry singing with Live! It's a good performance. The only odd part comes from Live's lead singer who keeps dipping into some sort of falsetto. It kind of sounds like a rock yodel, which isn't necessarily as awesome as it sounds. After the song, we cut to the audience, and look! It's Emily Deschanel! Star of the hit Fox drama, Bones! How wonderful! The stars are out tonight!

"Yippee! We're rockers!"

Next up is a segment called "Puck 'n' Pickler." And no, it has nothing to do with Real World's Puck -- although, I wish it did. The Puck in question is Wolfgang Puck, celebrity chef extraordinaire. His mission: to edumacate fledgling gourmand Kellie Pickler. I'm already excited. The prospect of his German accent and her Albemarle twang is too wonderful to imagine.

Anyway, as they sit down to eat at Puck's restaurant, Vert, Kellie warns that she doesn't want any food that is moving on the plate or has eyeballs because she can't eat any food that is looking at her. Other foods she can't eat: ones with more than two syllables in their names.

The two then gaze at a special American Idol menu, but unfortunately, Kellie can't quite read it. No, she's not that dumb. She just needs some glasses. Luckily, Wolf has some that she happily borrows. "Do I look smart?" she asks in her typical idiot voice. "Maybe people will take me seriously!" she adds. No, Kellie. They won't. But damn you and your charm! So dumb, and yet so likable!

Well, Kellie's first big lesson is escargot, or as she calls it, "Escar-goatee." I don't know where she got the "goatee" part either. Can't question the Pickler. Just go with it. Luckily, Wolfgang corrects her and pronounces the word properly. Kellie suddenly recognizes it and announces, "Oh! I heard that word the other day!" And that brings her standing vocabulary up to 300 words! Bravo!

Anyway, the time comes for Kellie to try the snails, but she's scared. Even though she has a world renowned chef sitting right there, she protests as if she were six years old. Inevitably, those German instincts kick in, and Wolfgang barks, "EAT IT NOW!" But despite this harsh command, Kellie continues to resist. Wolfgang then says that a whole country -- 50 million people -- eat escargot all the time. "No, they don't!" Kellie replies, looking at him as if he just told her that the Earth is made of gummy bears.

Eventually, Wolf stuffs an escargot into her mouth, and without really tasting it, Kellie begins gagging. She spits the snail out into a napkin and throws it under her chair. I don't know why I'm embarrassed. I just am. As amusing as this segment is (and it is quite amusing), I'm glad it's over. I don't know if I can watch Kellie make more of a fool of herself any longer.

This is also the first time Kellie's ever used a fork.

We then move onto what is surely the most anticipated duet of 2006: KAT LOAF! Yes, Katharine McPhee and Meat Loaf are due up next to perform the Celine Dion classic, "It's All Coming Back To Me." This has American Idol classic written all over it.

Stepping out onto the stage first is Meat Loaf, and we know we're in for good times when we see that he's holding some sort of red kerchief. This can be nothing short of a spectacle. Anyway, Meat Loaf begins to sing and oh God. Oh God. Wow. This is horrendous. At the McPhee party, the entire crowd just began laughing. Basically, Meat Loaf attempts a vibrato by forcing it out of his very body. He literally shakes his head forward and backward, as if the rattling will somehow provide optimal vibrato. It doesn't help that he doesn't seem to hit any notes, his voice finally tattered and torn after years of screeching through his songs. It sounds like Katherine Hepburn doing karaoke.

Kat Loaf!

Suddenly, Katharine McPhee joins The Loaf on stage, and holy McBOOBIES! Did Katharine have a child we didn't know about? Those funbags are fully inflated! They're huge and ready to pop out. It's hard to even focus on the song with those McOrbs bouncing around on screen. Nevertheless, here's the sad truth. Katharine is actually quite good. I'd even say she's excellent in the song. I mean, you have to block out Meat Loaf and forget the whole Celine Dion backstory, but still, I can't help thinking that if Katharine had sung a dramatic song like this last night, she'd be in better contention to win the competition. Oh well. Let's just look at her McBoobies again.

McBoobies!

"Oh, for the love of God. I just want to squeeze 'em!"

Anyway, the song ends, and Katharine can finally get to work repressing the memory of having rubbed up against Meat Loaf. We then cut to the audience, and it turns out that Katharine ain't the only McPhee baring her assets. Momma McPhee is sporting a low-cut dress as well, revealing her pair of aging McMammaries. Oh Peisha! You beguiling 'ho!

Memoirs of a Peisha.

In celebrity news, David Boreanaz is in the audience too, making tonight a very special Bones night. Can't we get some 24 people in there? House perhaps?

We then go to commercial, and when we return, Ryan complains about how Idol never wins anything at awards shows. Oh boo-hoo. Nevertheless, he says that because no one else will give them awards (insert sad violin here), they're gonna start giving them to themselves. Yes, meet the Golden Idol Awards. It sounds like a decent idea... or so I think. The first category is Outstanding Female Performance. The nominees are three dreadful auditioning ladies, including our old favorite tanning enthusiast, Crystal Parizansky. She's the vapid, tantastic girl we all loved so much. Shocking, she doesn't win the award. Instead it goes to some other random bad singer. Not fair. (I like how I am suddenly all into the awards, complaining about unfair winners). To be truthful, I think the three nominees sort of stunk. Crystal was a good choice, but the other two girls were whatever. The producers could have found two other worse auditioners. Okay, I really have to relax.

Next is Outstanding Male Vocal. We see that guy Marlowes try to sing Alicia Keys, and we see that one dude from Chicago with massive pit stains. You remember him. He's the one who suddenly began to yell "IT'S NIGEL! IT'S NIGEL! IT'S NIGEL!" in the middle of his song. But the winner is Dave Hoover, that annoying dude who jumped around all over the place. He actually comes on stage to accept his award. "Comes" is too subtle a word. It's more like he leaps out of nowhere and engages in a seizure of joy, briefly falling off the stage (literally) in the midst of his rapture. I bet Paula wishes she could join him. Anyway, a model brings a trophy out to Dave, but he's too busy tossing himself around the stage to realize. Instead, she slowly leaves the trophy on the floor and backs away carefully. It's like she's leaving food for a tiger to come eat. I kind of hope that Dave falls and impales his head on the trophy, but alas, that is one Idol miracle that never comes to be.

Commercial time, and when we come back, it's time for another episode of "Puck 'n' Pickler!" This time, Kellie learns all about the crazy world of lobsters. As she reads about them, a waitress holding a tray of live lobsters appears undetected by Kellie's side. Pickler eventually notices and is so startled that she literally falls out of her chair. Literally. "Oh my gaaa!" she later says as if the head of Big Foot has been presented to her. She is totally shocked by these lobsters. They might as well be aliens. At one point, she even pokes (or attempts to) a lobster with her fork. I can't wait for the next installment of "Puck 'n' Pickler." Rumor has it she'll come face to face with a dinner roll.

Then it's time for all the guys to sing. The big Idol video screen parts like the Red Sea, and out walk the men dressed in black and led by the one and only Ace Young. Let me just put it to you this way. This gaggle of dudes makes West Side Story look like the height of masculinity. Making the entire scene seem even more ridiculous is Kevin Covais -- a.k.a. Chicken Little. He claps his hands together in a big, dramatic way, as if to say, "Alright, y'all. The party is HERE!" And of course, the party is most certainly not there.

Reservoir dawgs.

The guys sing for a little bit, and then Taylor struts out, blowing on his harmonica. Seriously. This guy is potentially our next Idol? I can't even imagine it...

We then see Ace, Elliot, and Kevin singing, and as usual, Kevin is blatantly out of place. He eventually hits some really low notes. It's kind of like his way of saying, "Yeah, mo-fo's, I DID hit puberty!"

Just when I think the medley is ending, the guys all bust out some Fleetwood Mac. Oh, just finish this already. Ace then runs into the audience and hugs what I assume is his dad. If it's not his dad, then Ace has a lot of explaining to do.

Too much! Too much!

Eventually, the big number draws to a close, and we cut to commercial. This break is very important because it features the last silly Idol/Ford commercial of the season. It's a pretty lame one too. No, not lame in the way that they're always lame. I mean that it's basically just a clip show of bloopers from the past twelve weeks. Boring.

Afterwards, we find Katharine and Taylor on stage with Ryan. Our plucky host presents them each with a Mustang convertible, causing Taylor to lurch back and do a "Heeeyyy!!!" Seriously, stop seizure-ing! ENOUGH ALREADY! You could tell him "Oh, I found a penny," and he'd already be swaying back and forth, letting out "Whooo!"s and "All right!"s. Granted, a new car is pretty cool, but still, my point remains.

And for those of you wondering, the answer is no, Katharine's dad did not cry at the news of a new car. You never know what'll set off those waterworks!

And speaking of which, the next Golden Idol Award goes to the Proudest Family moment. This is actually quite touching. The nominees are Elliot's mom at his homecoming, Kat's dad crying at just about anything, and Chris's wife being supportive at the auditions. Awww. They're all so touching. But there can only be one winner, and it's just who I expect (and hope): Claudette Yamin! Yay! I love Claudette! Ryan hands her the trophy, and in one of the creepier and unexpected responses of the evening, she says she's going to keep it in bed with her. Gross, Claudette! Ah, but we still love you.

Claudette then introduces Elliot on stage. "Ladies and gentlemen," she says, "My Elliot Yamin." Awwww. It's a simple sentence, and yet it touches the heart. It touches the heart, dammit!

Elliot then walks out on stage and begins singing "One" by U2. He's really grown on me quite a bit, and I'm happy to see him again. He's then joined by Mary J. Blige, and as soon as she marches out in her bug-eye glasses, Elliot winds up relegated to the sidelines, waving his arms around like seaweed in the tide. Mary J. completely dominates and upstages for almost the entire performance. At the end, Elliot quietly lurks back into the "duet," but he totally overpowered. I hate to say this, but this is why he didn't make it to the final two. He just doesn't have a big enough presence on stage. If anything, he appears mildly star-struck by Mary J. Blige. By the way, random observation: the design on Mary J. Blige's top makes it look like her breasts are sweating. Not lactating. Just sweating. Did anyone else notice that?

Breast sweat?

Anyway, the song ends with Mary J. one-upping Elliot with ever vocal run he goes on. The two wave to the crowd, and then Mary J. is off to the wings faster than you can say "Okay, gimme my check!" Smell ya later!

We then hit up another commercial break, and when we return, it's nap time! Oh, I'm sorry. I meant, it's Carrie Underwood time! She sings "Jesus, Take The Wheel," although I think a more apt song would be "Jesus, Kill Me Now." [ed. note: this song was actually "Don't Forget To Remember Me"] The song is boring. Carrie is boring. Everything is boring. It seems like it will never end. But it eventually does, and then it's time for another Golden Idol Award. Okay, this was amusing before, but considering that each of these "awards" come with about ten minutes of old, unedited footage, I'm growing a bit tiresome. Nevertheless, this category is the Randy Jackson something-or-another -- it's for the most eloquent person of the season. And who's the winner? Rhonetta, the prostitute with the blonde wig and sparkly top. During the auditions, she was the one who when dismissed by the judges went on a long, profanity-laced tirade about Paula, the competition, and who knows what else. Anyway, we see her rant again, and then afterwards, Ryan says, "Rhonetta is working tonight." Oh no he di'int!! Oh no he di'int!!! Ryyyyyan!! You DAWG!!! He just made a prostitution joke!

But as it turns out, the producers have taped a segment with Rhonetta accepting her trophy. It's another rant filled with curses and whatnot. It ends with her attacking some poor PA (who probably has herpes in about three different spots now). This entire bit may have been entertaining a half an hour ago, but now we're getting antsy in our seats. Less filler. More results!

It's mildly appropriate that we transition from Rhonetta to Taylor singing, "In the Ghetto." He's joined by Toni Braxton, who looks like she and Rhonetta might actually shop in the same place. She's essentially wearing a nightie on stage, and the low angle camera comes dangerously close to seeing right up her skirt. On top of that, she seems full of all sorts of sexual energy, and at one point, she actually grabs Taylor's hand, places it on her hip, and then makes him caress her. TONI! This is a family show! A family show that just profiled a prostitute, but a family show all he same! Scandalous! Who would have thought she'd be into Taylor Hicks? She must have a thing for 55 year old men.

Ho Patrol!

Anyway, the two "whoo!" at each other for a few minutes, and then it's time for... a commercial! And then, after that, it's time for the women's medley. It begins with Katharine singing, "Man, I Feel Like A Woman," and then the rest of the songs are all "I am woman, hear me roar! WOMAN WOMAN WOMAN." Poor Mandisa. I love her. I wanted her to be in the top two with Chris. She's tragically stuck wearing some too-tight pants, and let me tell you, the low camera angle does not help matters. She's a big girl. Pants were not the way to go. Perhaps she should have taken a cue from Monday's Apprentice and donned some XXL culottes instead.

We also see the ever forgettable Lisa Tucker. It looks like she has a mustache, but after further review, she's hairless. She's simply stuck with one of those upper lips that always seem a little darker than the rest. A tough fate for most women. Maybe she'll grow out of it.

The medley ends with Mandisa powering through "I'm Every Woman," and again, I can't believe that she was ejected from the competition so early on. I mean, the woman has pipes that McPhee can only dream of. We then head back to Ryan, who's standing at a podium. Oh, might there be another Golden Idol on the horizon? Please? Pretty please? There is! This time, it's for "Best Impersonations." It's actually a pretty funny category. We first see that one guy who thought he was Cher. Then we see a dude who tried to be Michael Jackson, and lastly, we see that weird organism that claimed to be Clay Aiken's doppleganger. I personally think the award should go to the Cher guy because he's just so ridiculous, but instead, the producers give it to the Fake Aiken. His name is Michael Sandecki, and he's actually there to accept the award. Even more astounding is that Ryan then asks him to sing. Great.

Fake Aiken begins belting out "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me," and as expected, it's terrible. But wait! Something is happening! The doors/screen opens up behind Fake Aiken, and a shadowy figure emerges. Is it KD Lang? No. Is it Garth Brooks's weird alter-ego guy? No. Not him either. Wait, is it Paul Reubens from Blow? Nope, no that either. Why, it's the real Clay Aiken! And he has a new moptop hairstyle! Sorry, Clay. You still look ridiculous.

Thanks to TVgasm reader Andrea for pointing this out...

In general, I hate any moment that vaguely involves Clay Aiken, but even I have to admit that this is priceless. Turns out Fake Aiken doesn't know the real Clay is behind him, and when he sees him, he absolutely freaks out. It's better than any Punk'd episode thus far. The two begin singing together, and Fake Aiken absolutely cannot believe it. The expressions on his face are some of the greatest I've seen on Idol. They're a mixture of joy and embarrassment and fear and excitement and fear again and just general "WTF????" Well done, producers. Well done.

"Tell me, Michael. Would you mind if I kissed you right now?"

Of course, one of the best parts of this whole scenario is that Fake Aiken actually keeps singing. Doesn't he realize that he's supposed to step aside and let the master(bater) take over? Luckily, Ryan yanks the guy away and seats him in a chair so he can marvel from afar without getting too close to The Aiken. By the way, it should be noted that while Clay is certainly better than his biggest fan, he still pretty much sucks. And I bet it won't be long before he engages in male plastic surgery. He looks the type.

Another commercial later, and we find ourselves with the hippest musical act out there: Burt Bacharach! He's been really making the rounds this season. First Dancing with the Stars, then The Apprentice, and now this. And still no one cares. The guy's a legend, but seriously, stop taking up so much prime reality TV real estate.

Normally, I'd take this time to nap a little, but I have a feeling that we'll be seeing some Grade A butchery, and sure enough, I'm right. When it comes to butchery, nothing compares to Ace Young and his mosquito voice. I'm sure Burt is absolutely delighted when he hears Ace sully "The Look of Love," and to add insult to injury, Melissa McGhee further shreds the song with her smokey yet off-key voice.

Later, when Mandisa sings "Say A LIttle Prayer," I have extremely high hopes for something awesome. So does the crowd, which goes nuts. It's a pretty awesome little performance, but oddly enough, Mandisa forgets the word "prayer." Yes, "prayer." I don't know if it's a religious thing or not, but she says, "I say a little [wince] for you!" Oh, c'mon, Mandy! You can't be doing that! The music suddenly calms down, and we see Lisa Tucker framed in a spotlight by the piano. I half expect someone to say, "And now, ladies and gentlemen: that girl we all forgot about." She sings pleasantly enough -- as always -- but then the real show stopper comes out: Kevin Covais. Okay, this performance is hilarious. Kevin has to sing "What's New Pussycat?" It's amazing. Comic gold. Even Kellie Pickler can't stop laughing (then again, she may be experiencing the euphoria of having dodged a frightful lobster attack). As the girls do a little oompa dance in the background, Kevin sings "Puthycat puthycat, you're delicious!" OH MY GOD. Whoever assigned this song to him has a wicked sense of humor. I pretty much lose it with mighty guffaws when he then sings, "You have your puthycat lipth!" Absolutely amazing.

Kevin is then followed by Chris and Ace, who start off their song kind of off. Chris seems to be in the wrong key, and Ace employs some falsetto that makes him sound like Mrs. Doubtfire. It's awful. Eventually, Paris Bennett comes out and sings "Close To You" ("Why do birds suddenly appear?" is now totally in my head. Thanks, PARIS), and then here's a neat surprise: Dionne Warwick comes out. To her credit, she looks pretty good. I know she's probably had some work done, but it's good work, unlike, say, the rush job done on Paula. Anyway, Dionne sings "Walk On By" (I believe), which is cool, but it's not until she busts out "That's What Friends Are For" that the audience goes nuts. And why not? It's the ultimate sappy song. It's the kind of song you wave your arms at back and forth in concert (unlike, say, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"), but oddly enough, no one in the audience is doing shit. Gosh, these people don't know what they're doing. At least Paula gets into it by placing a hand on Simon and Randy's backs. Aww. Friendship! So nice! NOW LET'S GET TO THE RESULTS, ASSHOLES.

After the next commercial break, Ryan announces one last Golden Idol (groan). It's for "Best Male Bonding." A.k.a. the gayest moments of the season. The first nominees are Ace and Chris hugging (oh, if only there had been a Gary around). Second nominees are Ryan (surprise, surprise) and Taylor (huh?). It's because of that one time when they snuggled up on the floor. I suppose that's a good enough reason. But the third nominee(s) is clearly the winner: the "Broke Note Cowboys." You remember them: the three guys who were cut during the Hollywood phase. One of them was winsome cowpoke Garrett, whose previously spent his time singing to a turkey. Anyway, with time to kill, the producers replayed the entire long, not-that-funny-anymore "Broke Note Cowboy" parody. It's bad enough that Brokeback jokes are beyond over, but do we really have to watch the whole damn montage over again? Unsurprisingly, the cowboys win, and then all three take the stage to sing "Momma, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys." How about "Momma, don't let your babies grow up to be ANNOYING." To be fair, these guys are pretty amusing, but at this point, I'm so sick of filler, any performance will drive me nuts.

The cowboys wrap up, and amazingly, Garrett doesn't cry. I half expect the cameras to cut to his turkey in the audience, but alas, she's still back in Montana. Finally, Ryan announces that there are no more guest stars or surprises. Just the results. That's all. And then suddenly the lights go down, the doors open, and again, there's a shadowy figure standing before us. What the? Who is that?

It's PRINCE! Holy shit! There had been rumors of him performing on Idol this season, but I'd totally forgotten about them. Anyway, the audience cheers loudly, and at the McPhee party, there's an audible gasp followed by "WOW" throughout the crowd. Everyone is surprised. Very cool guest star. After Dionne and Burt, I thought we might be in store for Wayne Newton. The good news: it's Prince. The bad news: he does two songs off his new album. Both songs are actually good, but... the novelty has worn off and I just want to get to the damn results (even though it's glaringly obvious who's gonna win).

Prince wraps up, we have a commercial, and now, with only about five or seven minutes left, we're obviously getting the results, right? WRONG. Taylor and Katharine march on stage to sing "Time of My Life," and they seem just as eager to get through this song as we are. There's absolutely nothing remarkable about this performance (beyond Taylor's odd vocal hijinks at the top of the song), and finally, finally, finally: the results. Ryan tells us that the show received 63.4 million votes, which is more than any president has ever received. Now I'm depressed. (To be fair, people can't vote for presidents 600 times each election).

Ryan then introduces a man named Edward Boddington, or as I like to call him, "Most British Name EVER." The guy verifies that each vote has been accounted for. Hey, why don't they have him on every show? Oh, that's right. Because he's probably just some actor they hired off the street.

Anyway, the winner of American Idol 2006 is.... TAYLOR HICKS!! What a not surprising moment at all!

Taylor emits a giant "WHOOOOO!!!" and the crowd applauds furiously. Everyone's happy: Taylor's dad, Taylor's brother, David Hasselhoff. Yes, David Hasselhoff. Ryan asks him if he has anything to say, and guess what Taylor says? "Soul PatroooOOOOLLLL!!!" Oh man. This is gonna suck.

We then see the judges. Randy and Paula are giving a standing ovation. Simon is SITTING. Ah hah! We know who he favors more!

Katharine babbles about how coming this far is a dream come true, and then it's time for the annual anticlimactic tradition: singing the schmaltzy, terrible single that the producers have lined up for the winner. In this case, that means Taylor must sing "Do I Make You Proud?" The entire performance is dull and devoid of the intense emotion that previous winners have displayed. He does interject little comments like "C'mon, America! I'm living the American Dream!" but overall, it's lackluster. At random times, we cut to the fans in Birmingham, and some idiot has a sign that says "Got Soul?" -- except it's upside down. Dumbass.

Eventually, Taylor reaches the lame climax of his song, and the pyrotechnics go off, sparks flaring all over the stage. Gosh, don't they know better? Taylor's an old man. His heart can't take this sort of stimulation! Soon the confetti begins to fall, and Taylor thanks everyone around him, which is pretty classy. Overall, it's a decent, if not expected ending to an otherwise solid season. I didn't want Taylor to win, but I'm not violently opposed to him. After the great Chris debacle, it's all pretty much the same to me.

"I see polka dots!"

What did you think about the finale? Happy with the results? How did you like the show itself? What was your favorite performance?

Posted by at 11:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (111)

So yesterday was the big American Idol showdown between Katharine McPhee and Taylor Hicks. We finally learned who would be this year's winner and who would be returning home as just another anecdote in the annals of pop culture. Every season, Fox throws official viewing parties for the finalists, and since Katharine McPhee's big bash was being held just a few miles from the TVgasm offices, I knew I had to drop by to take some pictures. Of course, that meant having to suffer the embarrassment of perusing with 7th grade girls all afternoon in the hot sun, but hey, it's got to be better than eating a P'Eatzza, right? Photos after the jump...

The party was being held here at Universal Studio Hollywood. Home of Back to the Future, the Ride, the Desperate Housewives set, and of course, an extremely rusty fountain.

This is the Universal Citywalk. It's where the festivities were specifically being held. I like to think of this place as HELL.

McFountain!

I'm told the party is starting at 3 PM. I arrive at 3:40 -- an hour and twenty minutes before the live telecast (5 PM on the West Coast for this party). As you can see, the McPheever Central is out of control!

Ryan Seacrest's radio station is here at least. So that's exciting.

There's a whole big stage set up for performances and whatnot. It's never used the entire evening.

Some random signage.

The McPhee fans show unbridled enthusiasm!

I like this lady. She's a real housewife from Orange County who says she actually knows Katharine. Other things she knows: spunk!

I never learned her name. I'll call her Peg.

Work it, Peg!

It's now just over an hour until the live telecast. McPheever has taken hold of the Citywalk!

If it's any consolation, local radio celebrity Valentine is handing out headshots. Consider this day a success!

I have to take pictures of banners because THERE ARE NO PEOPLE.

Yay! More banners!

Valentine rouses up the masses. All three of us.

People start to filter in a little bit. They're all huddling in the shade though. Did I mention that it's about 150 degrees out?

Up on the big screen, the producers play the San Francisco tryouts episode -- the same episode where Katharine was found. She finally comes on screen for her emotional audition and...

...No one is watching. They're all looking at Valentine. Poor Kat.

I retreat to Starbucks for a foofy iced blended mocha. The baristas don't double blend as I request, but somehow I survive.

Finally, some real fans show up. The girl on the left is nuts about Kat. Literally. I'm concerned for her.

Another excited fan!

This guy in the black shows up with a whole bunch of pre-made signs. I really hope and pray that he's an uncle. Otherwise, that's just sad. (Says me, lurking around taking photos).

Ten minutes to showtime! I think we almost have twenty people!

Uh-oh! Dissension amongst the ranks! A lone woman hoists up a Soul Patrol sign, making it official: 10% of the party is pro-Taylor!

The cameras are out. Eight minutes to go!

Tamyra Gray takes the stage. Is it wrong that the first thing I notice is how small her breasts are?

One minute until the live show begins. Look at the fans just trying to cram into the party!!!

Tamyra's a sweet girl. She even smiles for my camera. The unexpected benefit of this: since I'm the first one to ask for a photo, all the little girls and mothers then ask too. Tamyra moves off to the side to take pictures, the girls all follow, and I score a sweet spot in the first row. Awesome! (And lame.)

The shocked crowd suddenly realizes that Taylor has a whole stadium full of fans. Yeah, it's pretty much over.

Tamyra's about to go live. Exciting!

Oh how the children love Meat Loaf.

This woman was hilarious. She was standing sort of next to me, and she kept on muttering hostile comments like, "If people think I'm going to move, then they're WRONG! I am NOT moving! I've waited here for THREE HOURS!" RELAX!

"Hahaha. Look at Clay's dumb hairstyle!"

Dionne Warwick entertains the youth of America.

I really like the grim turn this poster takes. Have McPheever? Then you will DIE!

McPitStain!

Tamyra was supposed to come on live a second time. I'm all ready to force my TVgasm.com t-shirt onto TV (since the first time, all I managed to get on screen were my stupid sunglasses).

Awww! The McGrandparents!

Okay... moment of truth...

They've waited all season...

Do it for Peg, America. Do it for Peg!

And the winner is....

Taylor Hicks. Wah wah wah.

McDespondency.

The heartache...

The sadness...

Hey, what are these two smiling about? Worst McFans EVER!

Awww... The McGrandparents are McSad.

A little girl cries by her mother's side. If you think I'm being exploitative, that video camera being shoved in her face? That's Access Hollywood.

And now the stunned fans talk to the McPress.

I think this McSums it all up.

Posted by at 11:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (38)

Click on the picture to play

Last night was the most important and anticipated night thus far in entertainment this year. That's right, B-side, madeyoulaugh, Katie and I were broadcasting from the TVgasm studio to liveblog the American Idol finale. What better way to waste away those post hump day blues than a two-hour TVgasm? That's what I thought. We had a great time and thanks to everybody who sent us messages! Click on the above picture to play and don't forget that we'll be coming back to you with more live events next week.

Posted by at 10:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

By Umnata

Because of my extreme dedication to TVgasm and American Idol, I downloaded the entire American Idol – Season 5 – The Encores CD off iTunes, to let you know what is good, bad & ugly. What’s that? No, B-side didn’t ask me to do this! No, it’s not part of what I normally write for the site! Please see title above: Don’t Judge Me!!! I’m trying to help you out here, people! I’m trying to save you precious minutes of your life, as well as the $9.99 it will cost you to download the album off iTunes. I’m defensive because I’m a nerd. To help gauge just how bad some of these are, I’ve created the Ryan Seacrest scale of Cheesiness, ranging from 1 – 10. If something is a 10 make sure you take some Lactaid before even listening to it.

1) "What About Love?" – Melissa McGhee

Poor Melissa. Her first time on screen was at the Top 24, giving her a major disadvantage over the other contestants. She was the first AI finalist to be booted off the show after she forgot the words to Stevie Wonder’s "Lately," and she gets my vote for the person who was probably most susceptible to Ace Young’s post-elimination seduction (Besides Ryan Seacrest, of course). All that being said, I was a pretty big Melissa McGhee fan and rooted for her over Ayla Brown only after she pulled out this Heart number during the last round of the Top 24. The “magic” that existed, by all accounts in my mind alone, doesn’t necessarily translate well onto CD. Melissa sounds just fine, good even, but come on, she’s no Ann Wilson. And if she’s not going to do anything different with the song (like Carrie Underwood’s season 4 version of Alone – chills), then this is just really good karaoke. Which, Melissa my dear, is a lot better than really bad karaoke.

Ryan Seacrest Cheesiness rating: 8

2) "Superstition" – Bucky Covington

The First sign of the Apocolypse?

You knew you were going to have to hear from Bucky Covington at least one more time, and at least now you don’t have to see him. It’s shocking, but Bucky actually equips himself favorably on the country-rock version of the Stevie Wonder classic. This coming from someone who fast forwarded through 95% of his performances. His voice is actually a lot better when you don’t have to look at him or watch him swirl his microphone in his hand. Of the American Idol losers he surprises the most.

Ryan Seacrest Cheesiness rating: 6

3) "I’m Every Woman" – Mandisa

I never fully jumped on the Mandisa bandwagon, but you’ve got to be deaf not to acknowledge the fact that she’s got a massive set of… pipes. What did you think I was going to say? I hate this song, probably because I’m not every woman, and I didn’t freak out when she sang it the first time in round three of the Top 24. Here it’s actually quite worse. Her voice is strong (on recording they can remove those bum and sharp notes she used to hit quite often), but the production is pure cheese. Unfortunately for Mandisa, I don’t know how far she’s going to go now that she’s announced that she’s not a big fan of the gays (and it was no coincidence that this little tidbit led to her immediate ousting on the show), which is a shame because you can almost see how well this song would play at Vito Spatafore’s next house party.

Ryan Seacrest Cheesiness rating: 7

4) "Wanted Dead or Alive" – Chris Daughtry

Stop grabbing my ass Seacrest I just got voted off American F-ing Idol

I think this was one of Chris’s worst performances on the show. It’s also one of my least favorite Bon Jovi songs (which is like trying to pick my least favorite episode of Who’s the Boss, they’re all kind of bad – and they’re all kind of enjoyable). But you’ll be happy to note that this is even further proof that Chris was robbed of his rightful place in the Top 2 (damn you McPheever!). This probably won’t convert any Chris-haters out there, but for us umm, Chris-aholics (why didn’t Chris get a fun fan group name?), it’s further validation that he’s going to go someplace. Fuel might not be the best band in the world, but he rocks out on this song like he’s not the 4th runner-up on American Idol, but rather like the lead singer of… well, Fuel.

Ryan Seacrest Cheesiness rating: 1

(dude, I might be a fan, but this is still an American Idol CD)

5) "Father Figure" – Ace Young

Like a lot of the country, I was fooled after Ace sang this song in the first round of the Top 24 that he was going to be a real talent. Sadly, he peaked, not just in the competition, but I’m afraid in life, during that performance. I was hoping that he was going to recapture some of the magic here, but without him eye-raping the camera, it comes off just as bad as you might think it does. Plus, he sings “I’ll be your daddy”, and there just isn’t enough soap in the world to make you feel clean again afterwards.

Ryan Seacrest Cheesiness rating: 9

6) "Takin’ It to the Streets" – Taylor Hicks

AWW OLD PEOPLE ARE FUNNY!

I never jumped on board with the whole Soul Patrol nonsense, but this isn’t half bad. Again, if you don’t like Taylor, it’s a lot easier to enjoy this without having to actually see him. And again, he’s plagued by some bad production and cheesy backing music, but it’s alright. The only negative is that there is no way to listen to this without picturing Taylor doing the windmill dance that he busted out during his original performance. I guess depending on where you stand on the Soul Patrol, that’s either a negative or a positive.

Ryan Seacrest Cheesiness rating: 3

7) "Signed, Sealed, Delivered (I’m Yours)" – Lisa Tucker

Does anyone even remember Lisa Tucker? You won’t after this cover of the Stevie Wonder classic. It’s so cheesy I actually can’t even listen to this without getting some wine and crackers. I don’t want to use the phrases “out of tune” and/or “pitchy” so I’m just going to make up my own terminology: strangling a dolphin. She’s strangling a dolphin. Side note to Lisa: Looooved you at the OC prom.

Ryan Seacrest Cheesiness rating: 10

8) "Walkin’ After Midnight" – Kellie Pickler

If you, like I, went back and forth loving and hating Piccolo (as my buddy Pat at work calls her), this version of Patsy Cline’s song isn’t going to help. It’s not bad enough to hate, but it’s not good enough to like. Damn you Piccolo! I actually think it will be better if we get to hear what happened after the recording session was over. “Hey, y’all, am I talking or singing right now? I can’t tell!!!”

Ryan Seacrest Cheesiness rating: 6

9) "Moody’s Mood for Love" – Elliot Yamin

I’m a Yamin-iac, and I don’t care who knows it!

Preface: In the 5 years I’ve obsessively watched American Idol, I have never voted. Not even for Kelly Clarkson, who I am convinced I will one day meet and Tom Cruise her (drug her and make her my wife)… until Elliot Yamin. I don’t know what it was: The fact that he was deaf in one year? His dying-of-cancer-pride mother? His lifelong battle against diabetes? All those painfully accurate Alf comparisons (thanks a lot B-Side)? Nah, I like to think all those things helped, but really it was the fact that Simon was right in week one of the Top 24 – Elliot is the best male singer. Ever. "Moody’s Mood for Love" isn’t the most popular song (I wanted him to sing "If You Really Love Me"), and it comes off a little cheesy. But that voice? Pure gold. Especially for those people who couldn’t get passed those teeth (I admit it, I had a hard time myself).

Ryan Seacrest Cheesiness rating: 3

10) "Think" – Katharine McPhee

McShocked

I had the McPheever, I admit it. But once I got infected with Yamin-itis, my McPheever broke, and I haven’t had a wiff of it since. She sounds good, and like Mandisa, her penchant for hitting bum notes (I’ll call them whale farts) is diminished here. Considering the amount of runs in this song, I guess we’re kind of blessed that she didn’t sing the entire song in that faux-Christina Aguilera thing she has going on sometimes. She definitely would have sounded better singing "Someone to Watch Over Me." If you’re a fan, you’ll love it. If you’re on the fence, you won’t care. If you’re a hater, you’ll skip right over it. She has a nice voice and all, but I still say: Poor man’s Kelly Clarkson.

Ryan Seacrest Cheesiness rating: 6

11) Midnight Train to Georgia – Paris Bennett

Paris is the female version of Taylor for me. Sounds great, but she just annoys me so much, watching her drives me crazy. Without having to hear Paris’ squeaky voice and see her forced tears, it’s not hard to imagine a young Mary J. Blige while she’s singing. Which I don’t say lightly. Ever since Paris did that sing/talk interview with Ryan Seacrest, I thought it was lights out for the two of us.

Ryan Seacrest Cheesiness rating: 4

12) When I Fall in Love – Kevin Covais

Isn’t making fun of Kevin Covais kind of like kicking a handicapped person in the shins? Okay, he isn’t the greatest singer in the world. We all know it. He knows it. So I’ll just say that much like Kevin himself, this song is nice. Especially if you’re deaf. Hey, I never said I didn’t like kicking handicapped people.

Ryan Seacrest Cheesiness rating: 20

Posted by at 1:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Are you like me? Are you sitting at work in a cold sweat counting down the minutes until tonight's big two hour Lost finale? Does your boss look puzzled when you poke your head out of your cubicle and scream "WAAAALLLLTT!"? Are your coworkers upset that you haven't shaved or showered for a week because you want to "live the Lost experience" tonight?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, then I feel your pain. To help ease your suffering amidst those small minded people, here are some brief glimpses of tonight's episode to tide you over these last agonizingly difficult hours.

First we get a glimpse of Sayid planning his attack on Michael, proving now and forevermore, once you go Iraqi, you never go backy.

Next up is a clip of our band of heroes, and Michael, as they arm up and head out to meet their destiny.

And finally, Hugh McIntyre, communications director of the Hanso Foundation will be on Jimmy Kimmel tonight. Have no idea what I'm talking about? Check out the Lost webgame forums to find out.

Posted by EdHIll at 11:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (28)

• Infant jaded-fabulosity icon Zahara Jolie apparently has come down with a mystery illness, screaming and refusing to sleep. Hell, if I were trapped in the Namib Desert with two mohawked dumbasses and a pregnant alien I'd EAT BROKEN GLASS if it got me outta there. [The Sun]
• ABC has tipped Charlie Gibson to be the new face of World News Tonight, replacing interim anchor Elizabeth Vargas. In related news, authorities have finally tranquilized a shrieking, foaming-at-the-mouth Diane Sawyer after a late-night window-smashing rampage over on West 66th. [ABC]
• Oh, that naughty Madonna! During one portion of her tour opener in LA this week, she donned a crown of thorns and dangled herself from a giant mirrored crucifix. I didn't realize she meant "Hung Up" LITERALLY. [Daily Mail]
• Sadly, Nicole Richie and her fiancé have called it quits. Happily, her father should have no trouble finding her a replacement suitor in the Arab world. [AP]
• A PETA poll has named Prince the "world's sexiest vegetarian." I'd start a poll to determine the "world's dumbest poll," but I think that question's already been answered. [AP]
• And at this point I'm out of Michelle Rodriguez imprisonment jokes, so if you'd like to have a write-in contest next time, I'm sure it can be arranged. [People]

Posted by at 4:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Can you feel the excitement in the air? It's the final night of American Idol competition. All the singing, all the heartache, all the drama has come down to this! Good God. I sound like Ryan Seacrest. So yeah, Taylor Hicks and Katharine McPhee battled it out for supremacy one last time tonight. I'm pulling for Katharine (based on star power), but I'll be hard pressed to say she out-performed Taylor. Even I can't deny that overall Taylor had a better night. But still, in a post Chris and Mandisa universe, I don't know if I can ever call Taylor an American Idol. I just can't. That won't be his problem though. He's probably gonna win. The full rundown after the jump.

The night begins with a solitary image: a beanpole cloaked in darkness. Yes, Ryan Seacrest greets us in front of a shadowy, mysterious background. Hmm... I wonder if the lights will suddenly come up and reveal the audience? Just as it does every year. Sure enough, that's exactly what happens, and the crowd reacts with exhilaration. It's like one massive game of peekaboo. Ryan yells, "THIS is American Idol," which is good because for a second there, I thought I was watching The Sopranos. OF COURSE IT'S AMERICAN IDOL.

The credits roll and then we see our first dollops of celebrities for the night. Why, there's Mandy Moore, star of Idol satire, American Dreamz! And look! Who goes there? It's Ben Stiller, looking angry and simian. He seems to be hiding behind a pleasant looking Muslim girl. George Bush has already called her in for questioning.

"They can see me!"

We then see the judges. Randy looks the same as usual. Paula seems to be wearing the sartorial version of a deconstructed rainbow, and Simon is wearing... a blazer! Wow. Very classy. If only his dark t-shirt underneath were a turtleneck. Then he'd be the perfect Blacksploitation movie villain.

"I'll get you, Foxy Brown!"

Ryan asks the judges if they have any words of advice. Randy says it's "now or never." Paula babbles about something incoherent. Simon suggests that each singer prays that the other one forgets their lyrics. Polite laughter all around. Let's just get on with the show. Ah, but before we can get to singing, Ryan tells us that we're going to watch each of the finalists' journeys -- which means a montage set to, you guessed it, Journey! Get it? Journey?? Oh, American Idol. You're a pistol!

We then watch the sappy video segment, and I can't help thinking, "Is Taylor really in the finals?" I mean, look, his enthusiasm and passion are great, he's consistently very good, and he's an amusing entertainer -- for my parents. But let's be honest. The guy's going to churn out some junk for Lite-FM, and then it's off to the cruise ships and obscure casinos in the middle of Nevada (Primm comes to mind).

After the montage ends, we go to commercial, and when we return, Ryan appears in the audience. He enthusiastically hugs Chris Daughtry, relishing the brief moment when neck touches neck, soul touches soul. All Ryan feels is the firm yet gentle embrace of Chris's man muscles, his swelling biceps clutching his body, enveloping him with the delicate touch of Aphrodite's finger tips. It all happens so fast, and yet, for Ryan, each second is a breathless eternity. The heart skips a beat, a bead of sweat appears on the brow, and deep, hidden impulses surge. In that instance, Ryan feels complete.

Love lift us up where we belong...

Anyhoo, once Ryan commands Chris to return to his chair, our intrepid host ambles down to the McPhees. Dad isn't crying yet, but he notes that the night is young. And how. Katharine then takes the stage and performs "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" again. She starts off well and seems mildly preoccupied with feeling up one of the drummers on stage with her. It starts as just a quick caress, but soon, it's a full-scale ass-grind. She's trying to force the McPheever out, but it's like a bottle of ketchup -- sometimes, it takes more than just a few shakes to get things going.

That's not to say it's a bad performance. I like it quite a bit. But it's just not at a total MCPHEEVER level. Eventually, Kat starts to go on melisma runs, and unfortunately, she's just not seasoned enough to do this. Paula is right -- Katharine's strengths are when she keeps things under control. Nevertheless, the song ends fairly quickly, and I think it's a good way to start the night. Randy says she looks like she had fun and that she sang it better than the first time. Paula also calls it fun, and Simon says it was "a good with a small g." The audience boos (they really like capitalization), and Simon reveals that he just didn't really like the song. He says it was more like a warmup. Not the best reviews. Not the worst.

A few minutes later, Ryan asks Katharine why she chose that song, and she gives a litany of reasons, one of which being that it "kind of can show the public that I can, you know, be in the Top 40." Translation: I'm commercial! Taylor's not! Please vote for me!!

We also learn that apparently, Katharine's fans -- the "KatPack" -- sent her a thousand roses to her dressing room. Was it the KatPack? Or was it CHRIS DAUGHTRY?!?!? Sorry, I just completely fabricated that rumor.

Okay, up next, the head sentry of the Soul Patrol, Taylor Hicks! Singing an old Stevie Wonder song, Taylor appears in the audience wearing a glaringly awful red, velvet blazer. As he convulses his way to the stage, we pass by all sorts of familiar faces and breasts: Tori Spelling, Kevin Covais, Mandisa, Ace, Paris, Elliot! It's wonderful! Well, not really.

What's more bizarre? The presence of Tori Spelling? Or that fake Gallagher guy behind her?

Anyway, Taylor admittedly has a much, much better performance than Katharine. He really involves the audience and loses himself in the music and the moment (much like Eminem). By the time he wraps up his song, the audience is going nuts. And hey, there's Taye Diggs! But oh no! He's not facing the camera. We then cut to Paula clapping like a seal, and then... back to Taye Diggs! And this time we can see his face. That was Fox's way of saying, "See? See? We're not crazy. He's really there!"

As can be expected, Taylor gets rave reviews. Randy yells, "America, that's a hot one right there!!!" Paula gushes, "Taylor, you and I match tonight! We match!" Note: they do not match at all. Nevertheless, Paula goes nuts and screams to the audience and whatnot. Simon jokes that the audience hated him. He then reveals that he liked the performance quite a bit and "round one goes to you." Can't disagree.

We go to a commercial break, and when we return, Katharine takes the stage for her second performance. She wisely sings "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" again, and even though I don't think it's as great as the first time (the element of surprise is gone, I think), it's still quite amazing. Hard to top it. I also notice that she has a long cord dangling from her ear. Turns out it's her ear piece. I think the producers tried to make it more obvious this time so that people wouldn't be scratching their heads and saying, "Why she playin' with her ear again?"

Anyway, this is definitely her song, and Katharine nails it again. I'm amused by the audience, which sways its hands back and forth as if she were singing "We Are The World." People, this is a stand-still-and-relish song, not hand-waving. Get it right!

As expected, Daddy McPhee is McCrying once again. This time, his tears are full-on streaming down his cheeks. The Idol director gets a raging hard-on as he zooms in so close on Katharine's dad that you can nearly see the salt in the tears. The audience loves the performance and will not stop clapping. It's rapturous applause. Finally, Randy manages to get a word in edgewise as he says that she worked it out. Paula also loves the song, and Simon says that she was slaughtered during the first round, but now this was her best performance of the competition -- even better than last week's rendition. McRebound!

During her interview with Ryan, Katharine then tells us how the earpiece was supposed to play a note so she'd be in key for the song's intro -- which was a cappella. Unfortunately, the earpiece didn't work, but she managed to hit the right key anyway. How wonderful for her. McSerendipity!

"Did I forget to load Cher onto my iPod?"

Taylor then takes the stage to sing his favorite song from the season, "Levon." Not saying this with any bias, but it's a really boring performance. It never really climaxes the way it should, and Taylor seems off his game. Even Paula looks bored out of her mind. Bored and/or lost in a painkiller haze. On the plus side, it provides me ample time to think about how all the easy listening fans will truly enjoy Taylor's album next to their Michael McDonald and Don Henley CDs.

Afterwards, the camera zips through the audience, revealing all sorts of Idol folk: Chris Daughtry again, Pickler, Bucky -- okay, they're basically all there. I'm not going to list them all. We then return to the judges for their thoughts. Randy says "Nice song" but then notes, "it was a little pitchy for me this time, this song." I'll tell you one thing: Melissa McGhee doesn't look very happy about that!!

Paula then slurs, "I don't know, Randy. What may be pitchy to you is the essence of who Taylor is." Uh, that's not a good thing. Last time I checked, sounds off was also the essence of William Hung.

Simon correctly tells Paula that she doesn't make any sense. He then proclaims that Taylor took round one, but Katharine took round two. Tie game! The camera then trains on Bucky, and off in the corner, Constantine Maroulis just can't resist craning his neck forward and smirking at the camera. Hey, jerk, the camera's not on you. GIVE IT A REST.

Seriously, Constantine. Just stop.

And now the third round of songs. This is what I like to call "the crap round." It's when the producers force the singers to perform their upcoming singles, and in case you've never seen this show before, the upcoming singles are always CRAP. I'm fairly sure they're written by the same people who arrange musical revues at Six Flags. Here's how the songs work: they start off quiet and intimate. Then, after we've had all the cheesy lyrics we can take, we bust into the chorus where the singer gets to hit a few high notes, all the while spewing inspirational observations about dreams and heaven and flying and wings and moments. Since that's never enough, a gospel choir then marches in to provide "the power" behind the ballad, and just when everything seems to be reaching a climax, we suddenly -- shhh!! -- take it all the way back down again for one last intimate moment and then BAM! Back to the choir for the rah-rah-rah finale, emotional confetti falling all over the audience.

Before we even get to these craptastic songs, we must endure something even more painful: a commercial Garfield 2. Somebody put that kitty to sleep. Please. We then return and find Dan and Peisha McPhee talking about their daughter. They say how she was always singing growing up, and then Katharine tells us how when she was a kid, all she ever heard was talk about scales this and scales that. Finally, Peisha says that when it comes to singing, "I think it's what she was born to do." Yes, I'm sure she was born to sing. And you being a vocal coach had nothing to do with it whatsoever. Keep telling yourself that, PEISHA.

Anyway, Katharine takes the stage to sing her special piece of schmaltz, "My Destiny." At first, it sounds decent, but soon she loses control. We head into Caterwaul Central as she strains to hit the high notes. Katharine's biggest shortcoming is how rattled she becomes once she messes up. Everything goes to shit, and you can see it on her face. By the time the song is done, she seems to have lost most of her confidence, swallowing up the last few notes in her smile.

We then see Katharine's "family and friends," which apparently includes Tori Spelling. Kind of odd. Sort of like last year when Method Man showed up in Scott Savol's "friend" section. Where is Scott Savol these days, anyway? Probably singing on some cruise liner in the Baltic.

Well, Randy tells Katharine, "You look amazing." (Uh oh). He then says, "You sounded really good" and finishes with "I did not love the song." Wow. I thought he was really going to bust her chops about the whole "not hitting notes" thing. Paula also bashes the song (c'mon, producers. Even the judges hate the original music), but she calls Katharine brilliant anyway. Simon says that over the course of one song, Katharine went from "brilliant to quite good." He says that her voters better remember her second song. Yikes. Randy again reiterates that Katharine was better than the song, but it may be too little too late.

We then shift gears to Taylor, and we see a video of his dad talking about his son. And wait, there's Taylor's other dad. Or maybe it's his uncle? Oh, never mind. It's just Taylor. We learn that Taylor taught himself harmonica, which is pretty cool, and then it's time for the "Silver Fox" to take the stage one last time and wow us with a completely generic, lame song. This one's called "Do I Make You Proud?" and already, I can answer that with a "not really."

Taylor begins singing, and within ten seconds, "Do I Make You Proud?" already sounds like five other different songs mixed together. It's marginally better than "My Destiny," but that's not saying much. The lyrics are also simplistically earnest -- so much so that I wonder if Alanis Morissette was possibly involved in writing the song.

Anyway, "Do I Make You Proud?" follows the structure of "My Destiny" almost to a tee. It's sad and disturbing. The good news for Taylor is that he manages to make his song semi-bareable. Yes, he's on again, and he's able to bring all his charisma and soul to the otherwise dreary tune. He's not perfect -- he misses one high note towards the end -- and he's certainly not afraid to be annoying -- during one long note, he shakes his head, causing his voice to undulate in volume. But overall, it's a much better performance than Katharine's. Oh well. He'll win this. What can I say?

The audience erupts passionately with a standing ovation (to be fair, everyone gets a standing ovation in the Kodack Theater), and Taylor spastically yells, "SoulPatrolSoulPatrolSoulPatrolSoulPatrolSoulPatrol!!" We then see Elliot, and hey, what happened to all his wonderful stylists? He's now wearing some nasty army shirt that makes him look like a homeless vet who crawled in from the streets (and believe me, there's one or two of those guys who hang out just a block away from that theater).

Anyway, Randy tells Taylor that this is a slightly better song than Katharine's, and "no matter what the song is, you know how to make it into a Taylor Hicks vehicle." Paula then raves about how Taylor always brings all his riffs and whatnot to each performance, and Simon says, "assuming that I was right that the show was tied, then you just won American Idol."

Taylor-made?

Taylor goes nuts. Mandy Moore goes nuts. The crowd goes nuts. EVERYONE goes nuts! It's pure insanity, and Randy and Paula then gloat about how they were the ones who originally wanted Taylor in the competition and that Simon passed. "That's show business," Simon says with a huge grin. Doesn't make much sense, but who cares, right?

We then watch a recap of the performances, and then the moment we've all been waiting for. Daniel Powter takes the stage to sing "Bad Day" live! OMG! How special!!!

Unfortunately, Daniel Powter seems a bit off his game because he just sits at his piano doing nothing while a montage of auditions plays silently in the background. Awwwwkward... We can faintly hear someone say "Go!" and finally he begins. Gosh. You finally get a chance to play on the big stage, and what do you do? YOU MESS IT UP. Oh well. Don't fret too much. Just think of it this way: SO YOU HAD A BAD DAY.

Anyway, once Daniel Powter actually starts playing, he does a decent job, but I wind up enthralled in the montage and listening for who's most popular. Elliot, Chris, and Ace garner the most shrieks from the audience. I find myself suddenly angered when the camera veers off the montage and onto Daniel Powter's annoying face. Stop, FOX! Show us the montage!!

The song finally ends, and I take comfort in knowing this might be one of the last times I hear it on Idol (I hope). Well done, Daniel Powter. Now enjoy your descent back into obscurity.

Now, for the record, I just have to say this. I've never ever voted for an Idol contestant ever. I told myself that I would vote for Chris, but of course, the assumption in that pledge is quite obvious. Still, in the spirit of being a true Idol fan, I decided to vote tonight for McPhee. I know, I know. She really wasn't that great. But I still believe that she has a career on MTV and the radio and all that fun stuff, and that's what I care about really. Truth is that they're all great singers, right? It's more than singing. It's about being an idol! Wow, I can't even justify continuing on this little soapbox. I don't really care that much who wins. But the point was that I decided to vote for McPhee. First I called 1-866-IDOLS 01. Busy. Then I called IDOLS 03. Busy. Then I called IDOLS 05. Busy. Then I tried the first one again. Busy. And then I stopped. Sorry, Kat. I tried, but you're really not worth taking up any more of my minutes.

Be sure to check out the site tomorrow. Not only will we be doing a live-blog of the finale and not only will we have a recap up, but I'm going to bite the bullet and go to the official McPhee viewing party in Los Angeles (thanks for the hookup, Carla). It will probably be horrendous and ear-splitting, but the photo ops should be quite good. Plus, hey, I might wind up on Fox (unlikely).

So that wraps up tonight. What did you think about the show? Who had the best performance? Who had the best night? Who should win? Who will win?

Posted by at 11:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (86)

So it has come down to this. The final episode of 24. It has been such a great season that the producers were really going to have to do something crazy in order to wrap this thing up. I don't know, but I guess they can start with Jack stopping a crazy terrorist from unloading a dozen cruise missiles onto the west coast and finish it with perhaps Jack finally bringing President Logan to justice? I think it can be done. That may seem like a lot to do, but we have not one, but TWO WHOLE hours of Bauer. And you just knew that there was going to be a crazy twist at the end. Was all of that time worth it? I sure as hell think so. Join me as we say farewell to the Aviator Glasses of Badness, the Hoodie of Inflitration, the Messenger Bag of Death, and another gnarly season of 24.

OK, so I just used gnarly in a sentence. Forgive me; I just though pop culture terms form 1989 would really sum up how I felt about this episode. As we all know from last week, Bierko just commandeered a submarine using a backup canister of the VX gas that he's been messing around with all day. Why the submarine? Submarines have missile, and while there were no nukes onboard, each missile was capable of leveling several city blocks, and with a range of several hundred miles, there weren't going to be many places on the West Coast that would be safe. Like any crazy terrorist, Bierko was running down his list of high value targets (HVTs) including financial centers, transportation hubs, high population density areas, and Famima! OK, that last one is only high value to me, but when it's 2AM and you need a vitamin water and sushi fix, you need to set your priorities.

Since everybody on the submarine was either dead or a terrorist, nobody had any qualms about just blowing that submarine out of the water. Audrey Raines got on the phone with our buddy Admiral "Sugar Ray" Kirkland and let him know that the submarine had been seized. Kirkland knew nothing about this, perhaps because George Costanza was working on that special project downtown, but said he could get his F18s scrambled in 22-25 minutes. Unfortunately, that would not be enough time to stop Bierko, as Chloe said he would be ready to launch in less than twenty minutes. Hmm, perhaps if Kirkland took his jets sunny side up instead of scrambled, he could save some time? Also, it was great to see Audrey use that high-end Cisco Systems technology to make a phone call, maybe next time they'll make something that can COPY A TAPE RECORDING so we don't have to go through all of this again.

Let's be honest though. Sending in some fighter pilots to blow up the sub wouldn't be nearly as much fun as watching Jack do it himself. Unfortunately, the sub's entry hatches were closed and they are literally airtight. And even if Jack could get inside, does he have the manpower to take out Bierko? But wait a minute, how are you going to get inside of a LOCKED SUBMARINE in less than twenty minutes.

Suddenly, we have our answer. Henderson notices out of the corner of his eye that a signal tube has been dropped out of the side of the submarine. Luckily, Chloe didn't know what a signal tube was either which gave Jack a convenient way to explain all of this to us. "Asignaltubeisaradiobeaconsentoutincaseofemergencies" Jack said in one breath. Man, how many takes did you think they needed to finish THAT? Anyway, this signal tube I guess helps somebody inside of the sub get radio messages to the outside world. If somebody inside released a signal tube, maybe that means somebody inside is a friendly and can help them get, uh, inside.

Mr. Bauer, bring toilet paper. I just shat myself.

Chloe was able to patch Jack with the person inside, one Petty Officer Tim Rooney, an engineer aboard the sub. Luckily, he happened to be in a sealed compartment and didn't get any of that deadly nerve gas herpes, but there were notother survivors. All of the terrorists were inside, having flushed the ventilation systems, which meant is was safe to move without a gas mask. Rooney also happened to be in a place on the ship where he could see all of the movements of the terrorists through closed circuit camera, but they were unable to see him. Jack explained to Rooney the situation and that they would need help getting inside. OK, cool, what's this guy have to do? Oh, nothing besides come up behind the terrorist guarding the rear hatch silently and then slit his throat and kill him without anybody noticing.

Is THAT all he has to do? Wow, should be no trouble at all for an engineer that is reading gauges all day! The kid is worried, but Jack walks him through it. Just sneak up behind him, cover his mouth, and then slit his throat with that utility tool of hours, making sure to get deep enough to sever the vocal cords and the carotid artery. It's a walk in the park! Quick! Less than ten minutes until launch!

It didn't look like Petty Officer Rooney was going to be able to go through with it, but after seeing one of his comrades lying on the floor; he sucks it up and moves. So far, so good. Sneaking up on the guy, nobody notices him. Nice. Now, grab his mouth from behind so he can't scream. Check. Now, time to go for the jugular! D'oh! Rooney never anticipated that terrorist being as strong as he was and he couldn't quite get that blade into the guy's neck. When he finally managed to plunge that shiv into him, it was more of a poke than a slice, so it took a good five or six times before he kills him. Jack's a little impatient and asks Rooney for the status. "My status is, uh, he's dead." My status is, uh, TIME FOR JACK TO KICK ASS!

For all the fuss Jack made about Rooney doing the silent kill, he had no problem killing the guard on the top of the sub with a un-silenced shot to the chest. I mean, I guess the people inside the sub can't hear anything, but why take that chance? Jack, Henderson (who is now armed after jack grudgingly gave him a gun) and agent McCullough enter the submarine. Oh agent McCullough, it was nice knowing you. You aren't dead yet, but you soon will be red-shirted ensign.

Just in case you didn't realize we are in an urgent situation, the missile hatches open. That means there is less than seven minutes until launch. Jack and his friends get inside and meet Rooney, where Jack asks him to lead everybody to the control room. It's also very convenient because if Rooney were to get shot, Jack would be protected and then kill that shooter. That's how you get to be Jack, sacrificing the lives of lesser people to make yourself a bad ass.

As anticipated, the control room where the missiles are being targeted is heavily guarded. Jack asks Rooney to create a diversion and then lay low. Just as Jack planned, the terrorists hear the diversion and run off to see what it's all about. It might have been smart to send only one or two people guarding the guy programming the missiles, but it's not like anybody could get on the submarine, so why not send all three?

With the guards out of the way, Jack is able to sneak into the control room and put on a proper knife to the neck kill. Oh man! I bet Curtis is going to be really jealous to hear that. He did get to punch Mandy, but that was frickin cool. Jack leaves Henderson to work on disarming the missiles while he and McCullough go after Bierko. Jack and McCullough use those SWAT team hand signals to make their way through the sub, but it looks like Jack forgot the one for "WATCH OUT YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET SHOT" and as they round a corner, we say bye bye to McCullough. As far as random CTU field agents go, this guy had a pretty good life.

Henderson is still working on disarming the missiles, and Jack now finds himself in a two on one situation, which as we know is not a fair fight. Jack taking out two terrorists takes about as much effort as it takes a dog to lick his own balls. With enough motivation, it comes really easy. Jack manages to shoot Bierko, but gets into a fight with the other guy. It gives him a little difficulty until one of the steam pipes comes loose, and Jack decides to give him part one of the Jack Bauer spa treatment, where the soothing steam COOKS YOUR FACE until you die, or something.

But Jack's work is not done. Bierko comes at him with a wrench and hits him in the head twice. Normally, this would be enough to stun any man, but Jack Bauer once pulled a tree branch out of his thigh, so this is nothing. Jack grabs a pipe, wraps his leg around Bierko's neck, then gives Bierko a few minutes to contemplate the last moments of his life before part two of the Jack Bauer spa treatment, where he uses his special Thai massage techniques to snap your neck.

Henderson managed to cancel the launch sequence, but when Jack returns to the control room, Henderson is gone. Jack goes topside, and is trapped by Henderson. Right about now, I wish that Jack didn't give Henderson. Not because I thinks Henderson will kill him, because Jack can get out of that, but because Henderson has to do his little monologue about Jack never intending to let him go, and really, nobody wants to hear Robocop speak. So, how does Jack get out of this one? He's going to have to think fast before Henderson pulls the....

CLICK. CLICK. CLICK

WOW! I was expecting a BANG! BANG! BANG!, but it looks like Henderson didn't realize that there was no ammo in that gun that Jack gave him. Henderson doesn't bother to beg for his life, and Jack isn't going to spare him anyway. Now comes part three of the Jack Bauer spa treatment, the deep meditation, where your life flashes before your eyes right before Jack shots you twice in the head because you killed the President and two of his friends.

YES!

Not a bad way to start an episode, and we're only twenty minutes in!

Of course a whole shit load of Navy reinforcements come just in time to miss all of the action. Missiles are unarmed, Henderson is dead, and Jack can now go back to CTU. He grabs a Navy car and is on his way, but not back to CTU. He calls up Chloe for one more favor. Jack is going after the president, and Jack needs help modifying some field communications equipment. Chloe's had a rough day, she's already going to be on trial for treason, and so this wasn't that big of a gamble. OF COURSE SHE'S GOING TO HELP.

By this time, President Pussy is very happy. No more threats to the country, and with Henderson dead, no more threats to him. He gets Graham on the horn to tell him the good news, and then sends Mike away to prepare a statement. Logan decides that he will up the hypocrisy scale by speaking some words in memory of David Palmer as his casket is boarded on a plane on it's way to Arlington Cemetery.

Since Mike is gone, it makes it much easier for Martha to talk to him. She has been trying to help Aaron get off the reservation so to speak, but she needs Mike's help. Novick thinks that the First Lady must be on drugs, but she assures him that she is sober and convinces him to follow her. They meet in the back of the barn with Aaron, and suddenly, all of those suspicions that Mike has had all day are starting to make sense. He agrees to help Aaron off of the ranch. Martha can barely let go of Aaron, and I understand. You really have a bond with somebody if they save your life. Hell, you have a bond with somebody if they give you a Tic Tac. Martha hopes that he will keep in touch, but Aaron says that for his own safety, he will never be able to contact her again. They share some close moments, and I thought there would be a kiss in there, but there was none. *Sigh* I guess Jack and Audrey used up all of the sappy moments for this show already.

Chloe was going to help Jack, but he was also going to need some help from inside the ranch. He wants to call Aaron, but of course Aaron doesn't have his cell phone. He calls Mike Novick, who has conveniently left the ranch and just happens to be with Aaron. Aaron tells Jack that Mike knows everything that is going on and is on their side, and Jack fills them in on his plans for the rest of the day. He's going to get a direct confession from President Logan, and he's going to do anything it takes to make that happen. That's all fine and dandy, but Jack is still twenty minutes away and the President is about to leave by helicopter. Mike's going to have to find a way to distract him.

Back at CTU, Chloe is discussing the possibility of bringing Morris back. Who's Morris? Well, we're not sure, but we do know that he is selling women's shoes in Beverly Hills. Hmm, we already had one overly effeminate character, but Miles is gone. Who is this Morris guy? Oh, he's Morris O'Brian. Chloe's brother? No. Her uncle? No. Her cousin? No. Her ex-husband? YES?!?! Oh man! I have got to see what this guy looks like. What kind of guy would Chloe marry? A short, stocky, quirky bald man? She's got taste like Marisa Tomei. Check him out:

Willie Garson + Dave Attell = Morris

Chloe got Morris special Clearance by saying that he might be able to salvage the recording, but she really brought him in to help with the modifications Jack needed.

Mike is still working on stalling the President, but he is having no luck. He does no one person that may have some better luck, however. Martha Logan. He explains that Jack Bauer is on his way and is going to confront the President directly. At first, she wonders if Jack is going to hurt him, but I think it was only wishful thinking on her part that Jack would hurt her husband and make him pay. Martha agrees to help create a diversion.

As she finds her husband, he is talking with an aide about finding Wayne Palmer so he can be present for the memorial he is giving his brother on the tarmac. Good idea! I mean, we thought he was at Bill Buchanan's house, but we don't know. When they find him, ask him what he was doing at Bill's house. I have a sneaking suspicion that Buchanan has a foosball table in the rec room downstairs, which is what kept Wayne preoccupied, but I'm not sure.

Anyway, Martha needs to distract the President and there is no better way to distract a President who feels lonely and isolated than..sex! Martha says that she owes him "an apology" and that although she doesn't always understand him, she still needs him, and loves him. Then she starts the kisses. President Pussy is about to protest that a helicopter is waiting for him, but he's the President. If President Pussy is about to get some, well, you know, then the helicopter is going to have to wait. Martha got her groove on, and President Logan was not about to say no. This is makeup sex after all, and when you're responsible for the death of a President and a lot of innocent civilians, you do have a lot to make up for.

She's probably going to need a shower now

I was very stoked to see that Martha was able to pull a fast one on the President, but boy did I feel sorry for her. After they were done, it looked like she was going to be sick. It's not like she wasn't used to having him being there, but I'm sure even when he wasn't a murderer, he wasn't a killer in the sack either. At least it was over pretty quickly. When they cut away right before they were about to get all nekkid, it was like 5:56AM. The President arrived at his helicopter at 6:06AM. Figure at least a minute or two to drive out there and another minute or two of freshening up and minute or two of taking clothes off/foreplay, and it looks like Logan is about a five-pump chump.

Martha's distraction did work however. Jack was able to fake credentials and get onto the Presidential helicopter. There is not a lot of times that I would say Jack Bauer looks silly, but do you think they could have found a helicopter helmet that was more his size? He looked like Rick Moranis is Spaceballs. I was just waiting for him to say, "I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Let's see how well you handle it!"

Jack makes his way on to the helicopter, then the President gets on with his Secret Service detail (Martha said she needed her medication and had to stay behind) and then gets to business. First, he tells the pilot to follow his instructions or he will die. Then, he uses the stun gun to take out the two secret service agents. Logan now realizes he is in trouble and tries to reason with Jack. First he says that he didn't know how far his people would go, and then he says that he always acted in the best interest of the country, and finally he tells Jack to think about what would happen to the country if something happened to their President. None of this means anything to Jack, who instructs the pilot to land at an abandoned printing press. Once there, Jack shocks the pilot and takes the President inside.

I guess this is where Jack is going to make his stand. He cuffs Logan for a pipe and waits for Morris to meet him. Yes, that Morris. Poor Curtis, even with an injured arm, they could have let him drive a briefcase out to meet Jack. Morris is funny and it's funny to think he was married to Chloe, but don't put him out in the field! Oi.

Once he gets the things from Morris, Jack begins to prepare the President for some serious interrogation. He searches him and everything, but he knows that the Secret Service is probably about ten minutes away, so he is going to have to work quick. I have to hand it to President Pussy; he was quite the trooper. I thought he would have peed himself, but he is no Walt Cummings. Would Jack kill him in only ten minutes? He can't kill him because he needs the confession right? Jack went to a lot of trouble for Morris to bring out all of this recording and broadcast equipment, so if he shoots the President, nothing good can come of it.

Jack has his little laptop and starts to ask Logan a bunch of questions. He is actually doing a very good job of laying out all of the information he knows. The President didn't come up with the plan to use the VX gas, but he did authorize it. David Palmer was assassinated when he asked too many questions. More people were killed to help cover up Palmer's murder. The terrorists discovered that the President double-crossed them and decided to release the gas on American soil. Then a lot of people were killed when he tried to cover all of that up.

It all sounds good, but the President is not admitting anything. He's stalling, and to tell you the truth, it seems to be working. Logan looks right at the camera and says that anybody watching this recording will see that anything he says is being coerced. When asked to name the co-conspirators, Logan says there are none because there is no conspiracy, and then says that if he says something under torture, it won't mean a thing.

Calmly, Jack says that he doesn't plan on torturing Logan, but if he doesn't get answers, he will put a bullet in his brain. 18 months ago, Jack was told to go underground. He lied to the people that he loved; he lied to his only daughter. The people that tried to warn him or protect him about Logan have been killed. They say the most dangerous person is the one who plays like they have nothing to lose. If Jack has nothing to lose, that makes him the most dangerous man on earth, don't you think?

Jack says that it is personal, and then gives the President until the count of three to speak.

ONE!

The President says that if he is killed, he will be a martyr, and be mentioned with the likes of Lincoln and Kennedy, and although he neglects to mention William McKinley and James Garfield, he did have a point. There is no reason for Jack to help Logan's legacy....

TWO!

The President then appeals to Jack's sense of honor. Jack wouldn't kill the President in front of the entire world, would he? Jack loves his country; he won't pull the trigger...

THREE!

President Pussy closes his eyes, starts to cry, and we all wait for Jack to splatter his brains across the floor, but Jack can't do it. Oh, it could have been so perfect! I can see it now:

DO IT!!!

"I've killed men and women and terrorists. I've killed everything that walks or crawls at one time or another. And I'm here to kill you, President Pussy, for what you done to Palmer". I guess I'll have to wait for the Eastwood remix before that happens though.

The President realizes this all of a sudden, and then starts to taunt Jack. Before Jack can rethink this whole killing the President thing, the SWAT team arrives, and Jack surrenders. Can Jack surrender? What's going on here? HE HAS TO SAVE THE WORLD.

Wow, I never saw that coming, but now Jack is being taken to solitary confinement. How in the hell is he going to make the President pay now? Well, if you were watching carefully, the producers tipped us off. Jack took great care to frisk the President and then the Producers took great care to show the President putting his pen and cell phone back into his pockets. Morris didn't just bring Jack a laptop and webcam; he must have bugged the President's phone and pen. Jack knew that if the other recording was ruined, then they will have to come up with a new one.

So, there's still a chance that Logan will be brought to justice, but Martha and Mike don't know it. When Mike hears that Jack is in custody, he tells Martha. They are both waiting on the tarmac as Logan arrives by helicopter. She's done a good job holding it all together, but you just have this feeling that something bad is going to happen.

As they are loading Palmer's body out of the hearse and towards the plane, Mike is watching on his Sprint phone. Look at that clear picture! It just makes me want to get a Sprint phone and watch these things. Then again, maybe if I were Mike I would just find a nice plasma screen or in this case look up from his phone since the whole thing is FIVE FEET AWAY.

And then the crazy music starts to play. Thankfully, the press was all shooed away and there doesn't appear to be any cameras, so the President has the Secret Service take her into a hangar nearby. Logan follows her in and then slaps her across the face. Oh man. You know, the President has done a lot of crazy shit today, but when he hit his wife, it was the first time I believed that he was definitely going to pay. The President realized that whole sexcapade was just a plot to delay him.

But as soon as I started feeling really sorry for Martha, I realized the President was saying a lot of things he shouldn't be saying if he was being recorded, not only personal threat to stuff her full of drugs and send her that asylum in Vermont, but all about how he was responsible for Palmer's death. He tells her to watch herself, or he'll introduce her to what pain really is.

As the President is giving his speech, and I saw Chloe furiously working, I was wondering if they were going to replay the President talking about killing David Palmer over the loudspeaker, like that scene from Batman Returns. While that would have been cool, Chloe simply set up a conference call with the Attorney General. Karen, Bill, and the AG hear the President's words. It's enough evidence to send the order to arrest the President. Good thing we haven't done anything about those warrantless wiretaps, or this whole thing might be unconstitutional.

Unfortunately, these weren't pointed at President Pussy

As he is finishing up his speech, he starts to notice that guys in dark suits are starting to circle the wagons and he gets an eerie feeling. When he finishes, a federal marshal tells him that he is under arrest. As the President is looking for explanation, the Marshall shows him the transmitter in his pen. BUSTED! Oh, Logan, you were really played! Jack never wanted to get you to talk, he just needed to sell his failure or you wouldn't believe him! As he is taken into custody, he looks over at Martha, who flashes him the biggest shit-eating grin you have ever seen. It's a look that says, "I may have had to pretend I liked your sixty-year old penis, but this makes it all worthwhile."

She who laughs last...

So, now that The President is about to get justice, it looks like everything is back to normal. Jack is released, and Audrey comes to see him. They share another kiss, and although there are fifteen minutes left, I figure the big twist this year is that Jack will have a happy ending. No wife being killed, no President poisoned, no chopping off of a hand, no having to fake his own death. He tells Audrey that he needs to be debriefed, but afterwards, he is going to come back and give Audrey a chance to de-brief him. And look at that. Jack gets a phone call from Kim. He just has to walk inside this building and take care of things. This will be no problem at all.

Smoochy, smoochy.

Through all of this happiness, I forgot one thing. GRAHAM! As Jack goes inside to pick up the phone, he is ambushed. Oh man, I thought that everything would be OK, but now I am not so sure. Jack struggles to get free, but it is no use. They really surprised him and drugged him before he even had time to think. And all that time, Audrey is just outside, minding her own business, unaware that her man has been captured.

D'oh!

Wow, this is tough. After all the shit that happened. I mean, everybody else is happy. Karen and Bill are discussing the day's events. Looks like that Papasyian guy is fucked. Bill is worried about his job, but Karen assures him that she will put in a good word with Hal Gordon, who swears he didn't kill Laura Palmer. Karen says she has to go, but before she leaves, Bill asks her to have breakfast. Everybody seems to be getting a piece of the action. Although Karen declines his invitation, she does say that she'll take a rain check. Poor Bill, I guess Miss Hayes doesn't sleep on the first date. I wonder if they'll make a new spin-off series. Bill and Karen would be like Moonlighting for a new generation.

Pass the Courvasier...

As Karen leaves, Bill has this look of pure joy on his face, like he's finally going to be able to show off that new Crate and Barrel headboard to somebody besides his mother. It's all so happy, but then it's time for another heartbreak. He finds Chloe and hands her a picture that Edgar had in his belongings. It's Chloe and Edgar, and they are so happy, and the photo doesn't even have ketchup or powdered sugar stains. I nearly cried again. I am so glad that Chloe has a way to remember her friend.

*Sniff*

Oh, and Jack? Audrey notices that he is gone, and tells security, but it is too late. The next scene, we see Jack, beaten and bloodied. His captors reveal their faces.

IT'S THE CHINESE!

I guess I should have known. Jack has only been gone for like ten minutes, and he is already beaten pretty badly. That's some serious Asian efficiency right there. It's been 18 months, but they hold a grudge. And now, I am thinking that means there will be an even bigger twist, like Jack's death. Would they kill Jack off? Jack is right there, he knows what this means. He's in a warehouse, nobody is around. They shoot him in the head and dump his body. Jack even asks these guys to kill him.

But there will be no death. The creepy Chinese government official says it himself - Jack is too valuable to kill. As we pan out, we see that Jack is not in some abandoned warehouse, he is in the middle of a container ship, and it's marked "Shanghai". How will he get out of this one?

In another seven months, we'll find out.

So, I know a lot of people had problems with this episode, and there was a lot of monologuing and ranting with both Jack and the President in various situations, but I thought that there was tons of suspense as well. The first twenty minutes were amazing, as was the time when Jack was interrogating the President. And Jean Smart? Simply amazing. We were lucky enough to have Penny Johnson Jerald and then Shoreh Aghdashloo with unbelievable performances in this series, and this year, we had Jean Smart. Kim Raver also did a great job, but over the last few weeks, I think Jean Smart set herself apart.

It was strange to see everybody else so happy at the end, and I wonder what sort of little bureaucrat babies Bill and Karen are going pop out (or adopt, judging by Karen's age) and I think the final tribute to Edgar was the perfect touch.

And then there is Jack. Obviously they can take this series in a number of direction. You don't necessarily have to have him escaping China, but it seems like they have to do more than just explain away what happened with a few flashbacks and some expository talk. After this excellent season, I hope whatever they think ofwill do this show justice.

What did you think of the episode? Are you upset that Miles didn't get bitchslapped as well? Are wedding bells in store for Bill and Karen? How in the hell will Jack get out of China? WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO GRAHAM AND THE BLUETOOTH GROUP?

Posted by at 7:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (31)

Click on the picture to play

Hey there TVgasm. Katie and I liveblogged the final performances last night on American Idol. We have an archive of the event for those of you who weren't able to catch the performance live. We had a few issues with the cameras, so every now and then it looks like we had been tanning with Paris or Nicole, but it was still a great time. I was having some problems with my text message forwarding, and didn't get to read all of your messages, but I would like to thank everybody for participating. To view the entire show, click on the picture above.

Posted by at 7:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

The quick-witted wordsmiths who populate MTV's Yo Momma are a beguiling crew. They're often tough youngsters who represent tha streets in ways that few can. Take, for instance, this dapper fella. His name is "Gunz," and he claims "I'm fitting to take over Venice, then the world. Holla at your Porto-Rock." (Not totally sure about the "Porto-Rock." I really couldn't understand him.) Anyway, Gunz seems like a pretty intimidating guy. I mean, his name is Gunz! Surely, he has street cred oozing out of every pore. And then suddenly, I realized that I recognized Gunz.

So who is Gunz? Find out after the jump...

It's Peter from MTV's The '70s House!

Who knew Gunz had so much street cred?

Word to yo momma!

Posted by at 6:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

By Umnata (formerly Eddie)

Uneven. Over the top. Plastic Face. These are just some of the adjectives that have been used to describe what has been going on at Wisteria Lane this season on Desperate Housewives. Over the course of its second season, Desperate Housewives hit its sophomore slump harder than Paris Hilton gets pumped on a Greek stranger’s camera phone. It became pretty easy to see how the show was about to flame out by year’s end. Rather then getting attached to the lame storylines of the season, it was easier to let your imagination run wild over the “Teri Hatcher stole my anti-aging potion!” tidbits that would be uncovered in the inevitable E! True Hollywood Story. The show kind of became so bad it was good. And hey, there ain’t nothing wrong with so bad its good (says the guy who saw Poseidon and LOVED it). But then after last week’s episode which I HATED (in case you didn’t get that point from my recap last week), I thought that was it. The show was now so bad that it was just plain old-fashioned bad. The kind of bad you just don’t think you’ll get to see anymore. It made a left turn at Lindsay Lohan-bad and smacked right into Hilary Duff-horrible. I thought there was no hope. Needless to say, the thought of a two-hour season finale was almost unbearable. And then, wouldn’t you know it, those robots on Wisteria Lane turned around and gave me a pretty solid episode that actually entertained and, gasp, intrigued me. Find out why after the jump.

Tonight’s overly dramatic, painfully delivered Mary Alice voiceover (“MARY ALICE knewwww that her voiceovvvers were annoying, but there was NOTHING she could do. Tostopthem.“) lets us know that this isn’t the first time to Betty Applewhite has moved in the middle of the night. Although Betty is so concerned about getting off Wisteria Lane ASAP, she decides there is still time to play a little number on the piano. Now, lest we forget that Betty is not only a concert pianist, she is a magic concert pianist. On at least two separate occasions she was able to distract a whole room full of fairly intelligent people by her piano playing so that they would either forget about the forming of a neighborhood watch or fail to notice that her mentally challenged son was being snuck out of a psychiatric facility.

Tonight, Betty’s piano playing is going to transfer us back to the night that Melanie Foster was murdered. One year ago, Matthew wanted to break up with his girlfriend Melanie, I think possibly because she was really an Asian Street Hooker, as she was ready to give him a hand job in the foyer of his house while his mother played Caleb a little diddy on the piano in the next room. Matthew says no, probably because he’s still on a round of penicillin from the Chlamydia she gave him last month, but Melanie turns around and offers him a goodbye bang at the lumber yard that night. Aww young love! At this point it should be noted that Melanie is way hotter than Danielle Van Decamp. Caleb overhears their conversation and thinks that this is his time to strike and get Melanie on the rebound. He may be mentally retarded, but man can Caleb spot a girl who needs to get it!

Caleb takes a short cut and makes it to the lumberyard before Matthew and surprises Melanie with flowers and profession of his love. Melanie, in turn, laughs at him profusely and tells him he’s pathetic. So she’s a slut AND she’s mean to retarded people? They aren’t exactly making her impending murder a tragedy, are they? When Caleb gets a little feisty with her, Melanie retaliates and picks up a 4 x 4 and starts to whack Caleb. Caleb is a mountain of a man, and Melanie could fit in his back pocket; so he’s able to take the 4 x 4 from her and bash her in the face with it. Since it’s very likely that on her way to the lumberyard Melanie clubbed a baby seal just for laughs, this potentially shocking moment kind of feels empty. Now in the present, Betty is finishing her song and seems weary from the travel back to 2005, but as they are getting ready to leave, the cops show up and arrest both Caleb and Betty in front of the whole town. Message to all you Wisteria Lane Dwellers: when the two new neighbors getting arrested in the middle of the night isn’t even the most exciting thing to happen on your block in the past month – it’s time to move. Property values are plummeting.

As I said before this episode is going to be flashing back to the moves of our main ladies (except, oddly, Edie). In the literal sense we get to see all of the Lovely Wisteria Lane Ladies (they should join a bowling league), as they move in and have their first encounter with our spiritual guide, Mary Alice aka the Spectre. First up is Susan. Mary Alice starts by informing us that 14 years ago on the first day that Susan popped up on Wisteria Lane, she was intimidated by her and how together she was. NOT! Remember!?!? Susan is a mess! Always has been, always will be! This week’s zany adventure involves her getting locked in her moving truck while a baby Julie (too young to realize how hard it’s going to be having SkeleHatcher as a mother) sits outside in the stroller. Now, this season as a whole, the slapstick mishaps of Ms. Susan Meyer, have grown a little… well, terrible. Where last season it worked, this season things like Susan running around with a cane just didn’t fly. However, I must say this little scene is kind of charming. I know, I know, my heart is growing three sizes, and it’s not even Christmas. Mary Alice kindly helps Susan out and the two start to talk about Susan’s life and how happy she is and how wonderful Carl is and how much she loves her new bangs, and BAM flash forward and we’re staring out Susan’s burnt down house and grown out hair.

I have bangs! My hair is soooo now!

Susan has blindfolded Julie and is showing her where they are going to live until the remodel is complete: An RV! Susan says that they can’t stay at Bree’s forever because she’ll be coming home from her spa vacation (read: looney bin) any day. I don’t necessarily see why they can’t stay at Bree’s forever. It doesn’t seem like Danielle’s coming back, Rex is dead and Andrew is probably living in New Hampshire with Johnny Cakes by now. I say as long as they don’t ever shine a black light around Andrew’s room, they’ll be comfy in there for a long time. But NOOOO, Susan is going to make her daughter live in a trailer. In a piece of unintentional comedy, Susan mentions six book proposals in the works, which means that she actually has a career; although, we’ve never really seen her do anything besides awkwardly get kissed by her book editor Vizzini (Inconceivable!).

Susan is now washing her car/home/trailer, and all I keep thinking is how this is probably what Tawny Kattan would look like if someone shot a Whitesnake video today. Instead of leaping from car to car seductively, she’d be washing her trailer in an oversized sweatshirt. Tom spots Susan and starts giving her the third degree about where Lynette is. Susan unconvincingly tells him he has spoken to Lynette and decides to pretend like she’s concerned with their marriage and asks him if everything is okay. He then saunters off, and Susan calls Lynette, who has taken their kids, or as I like to call them, the MINIONS FROM HELL, away while she figures out what to do about Tom’s assumed infidelity.

Just Matt stopping by on his way back to Melrose Place.

Continuing with the let’s-make-Susan-likable theme of the night, Mike brings over some coffee and correctly deduces by the fact that Susan is spraying for bugs that she is not interested in moving back in with her. They have a cute little scene about whether or not Susan is ready for a relationship when Carl interrupts. They whip out their cocks, and it turns out that Mike’s is bigger because he makes out with Susan before he leaves, causing Carl to drop his jaw to the floor. Wait. When did Susan and Mike make up again? I was never a really big fan of this couple, but they are starting to reach McDreamy/Meredith levels of annoying (let the hate mail begin).

In one of the all-time great coincidences, Carl spots Mike going into a jewelry store, where he is picking up a ring! A ring! What could that be for!?!??! He asks Carl to keep his mouth shut and since Carl’s been such a stand up guy up to this point, I kind of get the vibe that he won’t be doing so.

Over at Casa de MUPPY, Gabrielle comes in dressed like a stripper at a bachelor party held at a Golf Course. She tells Carlos that she got them matching golf outfits for their lessons today! Carlos scowls and complains about having to do community service picking up garbage on the side of the freeway. He orders Gabrielle to go without him. He then notices that outside ChowMein is being ogled at by his landscaper. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. A landscaper – ogling a woman! This is unheard of! Carlos then quite comically complains about not being able to hire a gardener that doesn’t want to sleep with someone in his house.

Gabrielle is now at the club finishing her round of golf with the trainer when she hears on the television about a man who was killed by oncoming traffic while doing community service. The phone rings and she finds out it’s Carlos. She has to break the news to ChowMein: CARLOS IS DEAD! The love of her life! The father of her baby! The man she gave up hot, sweaty, illegal sex with her teenage gardener for is gone! ChowMein initially cries out with concern and pleads with Gabrielle not to kill Carlos. And then figures out - PSYYYYYCHE! Carlos, being the standup gentleman that he is paid Ralph the gardener to do his clean up for him. Poor Ralph, but at least he got to check out ChowMein’s ChowMein one last time before he died, if you know what I mean:

That tragic news doesn’t sit with Gabrielle for very long before she realizes that Carlos is still sweaty for someone who wasn’t picking up garbage on the side of the road. He gives her some lame excuse about being on the treadmill, even though he’s barefoot, but Gabrielle realizes that the only thing that he was treading on was ChowMein.

Elsewhere, Paul Young is still in the Wisteria Lane penitentiary for the “murder” of Felicia Tillman, and he is begging his emotionally unstable son to ask his biological grandfather for money to get him an expensive lawyer. Get all that? Zack is hesitant to agree, especially when Paul slips up and mentions that pesky other murder that he actually is guilty of: Martha Huber. Although he swears to Zack again that he had nothing to do with either murder, Zack’s spidey sense is going off. So Zack plays the only real card he has: YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD! Ahh, but Zack might be a runaway, neighbor-beating, Julie-stalking nutcase, but he isn’t in the same manipulation league as his dear ol’ dad (I guess the Youngs are really good candidates for a nature vs. nurture case study) as Paul pulls out the only card that can trump Zack's: DO IT FOR YOUR MOTHER; SHE KILLED HERSELF BECAUSE OF YOU. Game. Set. Match.

Later at the House on Haunted Hill, Zack asks his grandfather to give him money for a car. His grandfather realizing the money is really for Paul says no. And then he informs Zack that he is cut off from the fortune he was to inherit. And he calls him weak. Zack isn’t weak, he’s crazy. DUH OLD MAN! He laughs when Zack makes a B-line for the respirator that is keeping grandpa Noah alive and tells Zack he has no balls. Oh snap! Zack shuts the machine down, and sits calmly while his grandfather gasps for his last breath. Zack may have no balls, but you don’t have any oxygen, sucker!

Zack is standing at the lake by his dead grandpappy’s house and is informed that he’ll have to sign some papers to get Scrooge McDuck’s fortune. Paul then calls him to see what the deal is with the shake down. Zack blows him off, and I get the feeling that this is the last we’ll see of Paul and Zack, and I say good riddance.

It’s now 12 years ago, and we are seeing Bree’s entrance to Wisteria Lane. Mary Alice informs us that Bree is not one of the people who makes a very good first impression, which is totally the opposite of everything they’ve said about her character up to this point, but whatever. Apparently, Andrew, planting the seeds of becoming the evil genius I loathe today, once stole Mary Alice’s decorative lawn frog. When Mary Alice inexplicably says it’s alright, KimberBree emerges, and she informs Mary Alice that Andrew needs to learn shame. Alright… things about Andrew are starting to make sense now… Bree calls over to Rex and Andrew, and I get sad because Rex is dead and is going to be on a lame midseason replacement show on Fox next season. Andrew apologizes to Mary Alice, but in such a way that it makes you realize that if toddler Andrew and the kid from the Omen got into fight, the Devil would be pretty pissed off about what how things ended for his son. Oh the coup de gras of this scene is Susan’s mid-80’s perm (although it's the mid-90's).

Well it is 1994…

We follow Bree into the present where she is stuck in the mental hospital (that she seems to think is a day spa) and runs into the mysterious Orson. Kyle Mac Lachlan is not much of an actor, but there must be something more to this role if they have him on the show. Bree is definitely curious about him because he shows up to the hospital a few times a week to visit with some crazy lady who sits by the window all day like The Lady in White.

Bree is in her session with her shrink, but although she checked herself in and has spoken to a therapist before (things, however, didn’t end so great for him), she seems really upset about the pervasive questions that this psychiatrist is asking. How dare he! All Bree wanted were some Robert Downey Jr.-level drugs and to be on her way. But apparently Dr. Know It All, isn’t so into that idea. He actually wants to “help her.” He makes the mistake of bringing up the fact that she’s had kind of a rough year (husband- dead, boyfriend-dead, etc.) and since Bree scoffs at the thought of needing help (then why the hell is she in there!?!?!) and storms off, the doctor decides to take away all of her personal items and give her a spanking and a time out.

In the county clink, Betty Applewhite is informed that her son confessed to the murder of Melanie Foster but since he has the mental capacity of a child, his confession probably won’t stick. They show her crime scene photos and get all Law & Order: SVU on her because there is a jacket on the body, and once they match a sample of blood from it to Caleb, it’s lights out on the short bus. But whoa whoa whoa Ms. Nelly. The jacket isn’t Caleb’s: it’s Matthew’s! Apparently, by the time that Matthew made it to the lumber yard, Melanie was just regaining consciousness, and although she was just nearly raped and beaten with a club, she was still able to make some threats to Matthew and his family! I’m not quite sure, but she may have even cackled a little bit. Matthew basically gave her a big helllllll no and finished the job his brother started. You see, Melanie, you should be careful what you wish for because you did want to get banged by Matthew one last time. Now, I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I generally see these kinds of twists coming, and this one I had no idea about. However, when I look back on it, it is fairly obvious, if you paid any attention to this plot strand. Which I didn’t. Score one for Marc Cherry – you tricked me with my own lack of interest. Next thing you know, we’re seeing Matthew standing over Danielle watching her sleep. Creepy.

Back in the mid-nineties, we see how the gals met Lynette eight years ago. Lynette and Tom are mid-argument over Lynette’s ovaries, and Lynette, being all tact decides to ask the ladies what they think about the fact that Tom forgot to tell her that twins run in his family. And now she is pregnant with twins! Umm, hi, nice to meet you. The problem with this scene is really a) Felicity Huffman’s wig – seriously, stop wasting the money on getting SkeleHatcher food on the set and put it into a decent hair & makeup person and b) it reminds me how much I used to like Lynette Scavo, when she was a real Desperate Housewife hating her kids and resenting her husband.

“First of all, the penis I wore was fake…”

Over at the pool with her kid hiding out from GayMatt, Lynette informs her demon brood that they are going to be living with grandma for unspecified reasons. Sensing that if they ask their mom any questions about why they can’t stay with daddy anymore they could be out of the pool for 2 possibly 3 minutes, they respond as if they just heard their mother ask them what they wanted for lunch. Seriously, if children could be sent straight to hell, these little boys would be driving.

Lynette is trying to pack up her kids while they are sacrificing barn animals to appease their lord, Satan, when Porter decides that he wants to go swimming. Lynette says no, and then Porter pulls the, “Dad would let me”, to which Lynette really digs her Keds into the ground. Porter realizes the only way out of this is to take a nosedive off the balcony and end it all! Okay, he was really just trying to make a break for the pool - but I’m sure although he’s still a grammar school, pulling an Amityville Horror has got to have crossed his mind at least once. Porter ends up in the hospital, and Lynette has to call Tom. Lynette is still really pisst about the conclusions that she has leapt to (okay, I admit I was only half-right last week with the whole Tom has another family guess), and Tom is trying to explain his side of the story, which is that he’s not cheating. He was in Atlantic City, because one night 12 years ago, he had anonymous, meaningless sex with a dancer on a cruise ship without using any birth control or protection, and now he has an 11 year old daughter he never knew about. Thank God, he wasn’t cheating though.

It’s now three years ago, and we see Carlos and Gabrielle in the throws of their honeymoon phase:

For Your Consideration: Primetime Emmy Awards 2007

Apparently Carlos and Gabrielle used to always have sex, but since ChowMein has been laying it down regular, Carlos’ burrito has no more juice. Gabrielle is in shock that Carlos doesn’t want her, and let’s be honest, why wouldn’t she be? Dude, if you’re married to Eva Longoria, and you’re not doing your sacred duty at least once a day, there is a problem. And that problem is named: ChowMein!

Gabrielle has noticed some odd behavior with Carlos, as I mentioned earlier. Taking a cue from ChowMein’s ripped panties, she takes her Asian slave to the lady doctor to get her hoo-haa checked out. She tells the doctor to just give her a thumbs up if he finds a hymen while he’s down there. She’s hopeful that ChowMein isn’t a stereotypical slutty Asian maid from any Kobe Tai porn but is met with a big thumbs down by the least ethical doctor in town.

SHOW ME… HYMEN!

ERRR…. WRONG ANSWER!

Although Bree got her personal belongings taken away, she somehow still had access to her cell phone. So listening to her messages she hears from Betty that Matthew was actually the one who killed Melanie Foster. Bree, for some reason, thinks that she’ll be able to just walk on out of the looney bin and is COMPLETELY shocked when she is detained. Again she turns into KimberBree and goes full-on woman on the verge. She then swears that if anything happens to her daughter… sleepy… getting… so… sleepy… Hey, Bree there are those hardcore drugs you wanted!

We get treated to another flashback, and sigh, there’s Rex again. This time we catch the Van DeCamps in the drugstore, picking up Rex’s prescription from George the Terrorist Pharmacist. They are also buying Danielle some hair dye because 5 years ago she made the mistake of expressing herself through a unique hair color, thus incurring the wrath of KimberBree. I don’t know how I felt about these two scenes depicting Bree as this Mommie Dearest. I just don’t think they ring a