Like OMG! The Hills Are Alive!
Like OMG! LC totally like moved to West Hollywood and was like "Hey Heidi!" and Heidi was like "Meet my new bestie Audrina!" and then LC was like "I want to be an intern for Teen Vogue" and Teen Vogue was all "Just don't sit down at the party!" and LC was like "For real?" and Heidi was all, "Nuh-uh" and LC was like "Guys! You'll get me in trouble!" Whatevs!
Yes, The Hills has officially arrived. Serving as the first spin-off of Laguna Beach, the show premiered on MTV tonight, and while there's none of that high school je ne sais quoi, I still found myself regrettably enthralled by the silly antics of Lauren Conrad and her fledgling career. Plus, who can deny the gleeful idiocy of LC's new sidekick, Heidi? The girl makes Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson seem like future candidates for the Nobel Prize. Ah yes. It shall be a delightful summer.
The big show opened up with LC packing up her bags and heading out of The 'Guna. My Tivo unfortunately cut off all but the last few seconds of this, but I imagine I didn't miss much beyond some lame narration about moving to Los Angeles. As she drove off in her car, I could almost hear the Natasha Beddingfield playing in my ears. Oh wait, I really was hearing it. Yes, the credits soon rolled and were set to that life-empowering ditty, "Unwritten." You know, the song that encourages us to feel the rain on our skin. I never knew that sensory awareness of precipitation was such an integral key to self-empowerment, but hey, what do I know?
Anyway, the credits offered up some tasty clues as to who this season's main players would be. There was Lauren, of course. No longer "LC," but we'll still call her that. We then saw... Audrina, or as I like to call her, "Girl with the dumb name." And there was Morgan S.! I didn't know she was on this show! Oh wait, it was just a girl named Whitney. Rounding out the cast was the aforementioned Heidi, and that was it. Just four girls! No boys or other random people. I find this very suspect. Maybe the producers are trying to emulate a Sex in the City core. Except dumber.
Well, this premiere episode had the very Laguna-esque title, "New City, New Drama." What great adventures would await? Might LC chip a nail? Would Heidi become baffled by a parking meter? Or would the girls find themselves at a Fro-Yo shop without their punch card??? The possibilities were endless!
Anyway, we saw various footage of LC's new neighborhood, and yes, I was quite happy to note that apparently this show was filmed five blocks away from my apartment. How the hell did I miss this?? I was so busy eating crickets and playing Dance Dance Revolution that I completely overlooked the Laguna alums in my 'hood. Note to self: stalk LC later tonight.
Nevertheless, we found LC sauntering into her new abode at the Hillside Villas, and guess who was tanning by the pool? The one and only Heidi. Some people may not remember Heidi, but she showed up from time to time on Laguna, usually to offer sidekick-y advice to LC and ask banal, plot-advancing questions like "So, what's up with you and Steven? Are you going to have dinner together?"
Anyway, Heidi was more than thrilled to see LC (a.k.a. her ticket to fame). "I was so lonely!" Heidi squealed. Translation: "I can't wait to be your high profile sidekick! What shall we do first, Master?"
Apparently Heidi had been at the apartment for some time but hadn't actually moved in. She wanted to do it with LC -- sort of like a bonding thing. Read all about it and other bonding techniques in the book, "Bonding for IDIOTS." Nevertheless, the girls walked into their apartment, and I instantly hated them. They had a freakin' duplex. Okay, I'm not going to whine. It's great that their parents have worked hard so that they can provide for their kids, but seriously, a duplex? Excuse me while I writhe with jealousy in the corner for a moment.
Before LC could even absorb the magnitude of her new digs, her cell phone rang, and yes, that ringtone was Journey's "Anyway You Want It." Delightful. LC answered the call, and while we couldn't hear the conversation on the other end, we could tell by LC's dilating pupils that something major was happening. Turns out that, like OMG, Teen Vogue had an event that night and the interview LC was going to have that afternoon was now in like twenty minutes!! OMG!!! This wasn't set up at all!!
Oh, I forgot to mention that LC was interviewing for a Teen Vogue internship. Hmmm... Wonder if she'll get it?
Well, with the pressure on to get to the Teen Vogue offices, what else was there to do but cue the Rihanna and watch LC hustle into a tall office building on Wilshire Avenue. Oh the hectic life of a young ingenue in the city!
We then met LC's future boss, the editor of Teen Vogue, Lisa Love. Yes, that was her name. She wasn't as scary and disturbing looking as 8th and Ocean's Irene Marie, but she still managed to be a bit off-putting. Whereas Irene was like a collagen version of Janice from The Muppet Show, Lisa Love had more of a wrinkly, WASPy appearance. Kind of like a long lost Shriver.
Anyway, Lisa pressed LC with tough questions. "Why Teen Vogue?" she asked. I kind of expected LC to just say, "Uh, I have an MTV camera crew. That's why." But instead, LC went the earnest route and said, "I've read Vogue for years, and I love Teen Vogue because that's where I get ideas for everything I do. And I like that it does have all the fashion, and like in every one they have like an issue that affects teens." Ah, well-stated, LC. It's that sort of precise articulation that will make you the belle of the literary world.
Lisa then asked, "Can you write?" To which LC, of course, said yes. Then in a neat ironic twist, Lisa followed up by asking, "Good?" Nice grammar, EDITOR. You're supposed to ask if people write well, not good. I'm onto you, Lisa Love.
Anyway, LC replied, "I enjoy writing." Unfortunately for LC, I'm not sure if she realized that "writing" did not include emails, texting, and IMs.
After this rigorous interrogation, LC returned to the apartment complex where she found Heidi tanning yet again, but this time, there was a giant slab of beef jerky wearing a bikini next to her. Oh wait. That was actually another girl. "This is my first new friend in LA!" Heidi proudly announced, introducing LC to this tantastic mystery girl. Turns out this was the one and only Audrina, and from what we could tell, she was just as vapid as her name would suggest. "What intern did you apply for?" she asked LC. InternSHIP. InternSHIP. Sigh.
Anyway, for whatever reason, Heidi loved Audrina and said, "You're adopted!" Countdown to catfights and general bitching: three weeks.
Later, LC and Heidi and Audrina and various guys (boyfriends, roommates of boyfriends, etc.) all met up at the always wonderful restaurant Geisha House (the very same establishment where Mischa Barton was Punk'd. Oh how she'll rue the day that she ever went there!). There, the gang talked about how craaaazy it was to have a full time job and blah blah blah, we went to commercial wondering whether or not LC would get the internship. What ever might happen?
After the break, we found LC and Heidi visiting FIDM, or as the non-acronym-ites call it, the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising. Apparently the girls were enrolling for classes there, or something like that. As they waited in some sort of lobby, Heidi mused, "I can't wait to start going out more." Yeah, she needs an outlet from her stressful day of tanning and adopting fellow dolts to join her coven of idiocy.
Anyway, an incredibly tall woman named Susan Aronson soon greeted both girls and said she would interview each of them at a time. I don't know how to describe Susan. I guess if Kathy Baker and Karen Hayes from 24 had a love child, it would be Susan Aronson. Well, first up for the interviews was LC, and of course, Susan fawned over her. Let's not forget that LC had two seasons of MTV stardom under her belt at this point.
"We are very proud of you," Susan said. I don't really know why she was proud, but she just was. She did mention something about a grade point average, but whatever. She was just kissing ass, as evidenced by her telling LC that she was so lucky to be in contention for an internship at Teen Vogue. When it came to Heidi, however, it was a different story. Susan asked her how she was as a student in high school, and Heidi gave possibly one of the worst responses short of saying, "I murdered everyone I knew."
"I never learned anything. I never went to school. I never did anything. I just went shopping and just hung out," Heidi said. She then added, "Did I mention that I'm a total and complete MORON?"
Keep in mind that this was an admissions interview.
"Have you looked at the curriculum?" Susan then asked.
"No," Heidi answered proudly, as if that would earn her some medal. When asked about her goals, Heidi then said, "I want to do PR... I want to be the fun party PR girl in LA type of thing... kind of like the party scene." I can only imagine the sort of shame her parents feel. Actually, what's sad is that they probably don't feel shame. They're just happy their daughter is on TV. I'm embarrassed for humanity right now.
Well, Susan explained in a slow, deliberate way (kind of how you talk to first graders) that it usually takes someone being in the industry a long time before they can organize parties at a professional level.
"Really? It's not like right away?" Heidi asked. Yes, Heidi. Sometimes you actually have to work towards things. Like, you know, any basic career. Susan asked Heidi if she'd be willing to work retail, but NO. Fräulein Heidi works for NO ONE! Retail was out of the question!

"Am I seriously talking to this girl?"

"I'm daft!"
Afterwards, we found the girls chilling at their apartment, no doubt plotting Heidi's next big career move (which was most likely a difficult choice between tanning poolside or eating a carrot stick). Suddenly LC's phone rang, and uh oh! It was Chantal! I didn't know who Chantal was, but I could tell it was important. Apparently, Chantal was calling from Teen Vogue, and guess what? She was getting BLAINE on the line! BLAINE! Wait, who was Blaine?
Turns out Blaine was another Teen Vogue person, and he was calling to give LC "feedback" on her interview with Lisa Love. "There are not a lot of interns that we find that are ready at the age of nineteen," he said, adding, "But you have a TV show and will give us tons of free publicity; so, you're hired!" Okay, he didn't say that. However, he did babble on about how their interns had to be great writers and have lots of experience, and while LC probably didn't fit the bill at all, Lisa saw lots of potential (cough, publicity, cough) and you're hired. "We think it might be a good match," Blaine said, a look of disgust on his face. You could just tell he was thinking, "I worked my way up for ten years and this damn girls just waltzes in..."
Well, LC accepted the job right there on the spot, and no one was happier than Heidi. This raised her sidekick prominence to a whole new level! We then followed LC to the Teen Vogue offices where we met another intern, the aforementioned Whitney. Might she be a rival for LC? Or perhaps a competing sidekick for Heidi? Either way, the two girls took seats in their cramped, cluttered office (which may or may not have been located in Anna Wintour's walk-in closet). Whitney began yammering away right off the bat, and LC did her patented Distant Smile of Complexity. Disaster soon struck, however, when one of LC's errant fingers pressed the on-button of a nearby Mac, causing the machine to chime to life. OH NO! The girls panicked for about two seconds, but soon they had bigger fish to fry: namely, an androgynous woman named Olivia, who was apparently the magazine's resident stylist. Within seconds, Olivia was assessing the girls' fashion, making adjustments and saying dumb things like "I feel like it's a bit too matchy-matchy."

Perky!
Once the girls were deemed Vogue-ready, they were then brought into Lisa Love's office where they learned all the ground rules. Basically, they were to act professionally no matter where they were -- in or out of the office. They represented the company, and if they were to get into any trouble, their ass would be grass. Well, not LC. She had a camera crew. But Whitney. You watch your back!
Later, the girls were given their first big job: send out 500 invitations for a party. Gosh, haven't the people at Vogue heard of Evite? Nevertheless, the girls began the arduous process of assembling these invites, pausing to occasionally gawk at the celebrities on the list. Josh Duhamel! Gavin DeGraw! I'm sure LC will be thrilled when she sees Stephen Colletti and Kristin Cavallari on the list too. "Hey, wait a second. I went to high school with those guys..."
The next day, we found Heidi and LC lounging by the pool again, and here's a shocker: Heidi wanted LC to get her into that Teen Vogue party. The same one that Josh Duhamel and Gavin DeGraw would be at. Not so fast, Heidster. In case you weren't paying attention, this was your friend's first week at the job. "I'm not going to like mess up my internship and do something shady just like to go to a party," LC told her.
"Yeah..." Heidi replied, all broken-hearted. Ah, nothing as sad as a sidekick's dreams of grandeur going up in smoke.
Back at the office later, we found LC and Whitney giggling about something until suddenly, there were a series of "SHHHHH!" noises. Yes, LISA LOVE HAD ENTERED THE ROOM. I love how intimidating she's supposed to be. I really can't take her seriously though with that name. I mean, "Lisa Love"? Doesn't she know that any fashion editor can't have alliteration in her name? She needs to change it to something French-sounding. Whatever she chooses, she has to make sure she no longer sounds like a) a country star; b) a porn star; or c) Lisa Loeb. I throw it out to the readers to suggest their favorite alternate last names for Lisa Love. I'll get the ball rolling with "Bontemps."
Anyway, Lisa alerted LC and wh-wh-wh-Whitney that they would be working the party tonight (like OMG!) BUT this was not a time to have fun and hang out. They'd be doing their jobs, and if any of them even THOUGHT about sitting down, they'd be outta there. That's right. NO SITTING. Sounds simple enough...
Cut to the party at the Roosevelt Hotel, and all the glitteratti were there! Nicole Ritchie! Some guy! Paris Hilton! Wow! How exciting! Turns out that Whitney would be working the door/red carpet while LC would be guarding the VIP area. "No one can sit here," Blaine told LC, pointing at a nearby seating area. That's right, GUARD THESE OTTOMANS WITH YOUR LIFE!!
Almost on cue, rebellious sidekick Heidi suddenly called up, and hey, by the way, she was downstairs! "What are you doing here, Heidi?" LC asked. DUH! She was there to potentially jeopardize your high profile job so that she could partaaay!!!
"Just sneak us in," Heidi insisted. How about you just get shot in the head? Go away, shrew!
I was really hoping that LC would be firm with her friend and tell her to head elsewhere, but alas, LC finally told her sidekick to speak to Whitney at the front door. A few phone calls later, and Whitney surreptitiously let Heidi and her gaggle of friends (including Audrina) into the party. You can't tell me that the Vogue execs didn't expect this.
Well, what was the first thing that Heidi did? No, not quietly blend to keep her friend out of trouble. Instead, she ran across the party and squealed a loud hello to LC (which was of course topped off with a grandiose hug). Oh, I'm sure Lisa Love will enjoy that. To make matters worse, the HeidiGaggle then happily sat down in LC's VIP area. WHAT?!?! Get them out of there! I don't know why I was so concerned for LC, but I just was. But wait: it got worse. Then LC sat down with her friends. What was the one thing that Lisa Love emphasized? NO SITTING AND HANGING OUT! This was going to be pure disaster.
Suddenly, there was some random Heidi drama with one of the guys (I really didn't know what it was, nor did I care enough to go back and find out). All I knew was that Heidi was now drunk and screaming. From across the party, we could tell that Blaine was not happy. He soon came over and asked what all the drama was about.
"Oh, it was just, they were fighting, but you can see it's all better. They were just fighting over something. But now they're fine," LC said, pointing to Heidi who was not only crying, but crying in the prohibited VIP area. Yeah, no drama here!

Drama? What drama?
Blaine then wandered away, and LC implored her friends to stop with the drama, but it was too late. They'd been spotted by the Love-inator. Lisa soon appeared over the gang and politely told LC, "Nobody should be sitting here yet, okay? We'll talk about it on Monday." BUUSSSTED!!! It was such a succinct, almost pleasant remark, but we knew that in the world of Vogue, that meant "Your ass is mine, you stupid little bitch."
After Lisa left, Audrina piped up and asked, "Was that who you work for?" No. It was the cocktail waitress. OF COURSE IT WAS, YOU IDIOT. Audrina then followed up with, "Why'd she get all mad?" Like totally? What was up with her? Just because she's the boss and told LC not to let people sit on the couches, that was like way uncool of her to be all mad like that. Whatevs, granny!
Eventually, the HeidiGaggle deemed the party "over" and waltzed out, leaving LC alone with her headset and a look of total intractable guilt on her face. And to think, the VIPs never even came. All this drama over nothing. Just to prove the point, we then saw flowers floating aimlessly in the pool. LIKE LIFE!!!
And so ended the first eventful episode. What did you think? It's no Laguna, but is it the new guilty pleasure?



What can I say. After this weeks amazing Lost two hour finale I can honestly say I am speechless. Good thing for me that I'm writing this recap instead of live blogging it the way the cool kids are these days, cuz It would just be an image of me with my mouth agape, sitting in my satin TV watchin' robe with my beloved cats Suri and Shiloh on my lap. The show just rocked. Purely and simply. It had everything. Fantastic revelations, huge cliffhangers, and a big four-toed statue. But I am getting ahead of myself.
The show starts as they always do, the moment after the last episode's cliffhanger moment. There's a boat right offshore. Now that Ana Lucia and Libby's two-minute funeral is over, everyone rushes to the beach, excited at the prospect of being saved. The holy hunky trinity of Sawyer, Jack and Sayid all take their shirts off and start swimming out to it. When they get on board they can hear some inside. As they approach the cabin hatch they see it's locked. Too bad Locke isn't there; the man specializes in opening hatches of all shapes and sizes. Then whoever is inside starts shooting at them, ripping holes in the cabin door. Jack pulls out his gun, and working together they open the hatch. It's Desmond, the former button-pusher, piss drunk on Dharma vodka (it's like Popov vodka, only not as good).
When Desmond gets outside he sees a car waiting for him with a man in the back seat. He doesn't want to get in but he isn't given much choice. The man shows him two boxes. In one of them is his past, the other, his future. Then he has a red pill and a blue pill. If he wants to be set free, he must take the red pill. Or maybe that's the one that will make him smaller. I get confused. The box that is his past is filled with letters. Every letter he wrote to Penny Widmore. So I am now assuming this man is the long talked about Mr. Widmore of Widmore Industries. Widmore Industries, for those who don't know, has been popping up here and there throughout the series (and figures prominently in the book Bad Twin). Mr. Widmore tells Desmond that Penny has moved on and is getting married. He then shows him the box that is his future. It's filled with money. Not real money, but that goofy colored British money with the old lady on it. Widmore says he'll give Desmond this money if he agrees never to call or write to Penny again. When Desmond asks why he would do that, Widmore looks at him and says, "Because you're a coward". Desmond then wets his pants.
Desmond is in a Starbucks buying a four-dollar cup of coffee. When he realizes that all he has is the wacky colored money from England, the woman next to him offers to buy him his coffee. The woman is none other than Libby herself, with a different haircut. An ugly haircut. As they sit and talk Desmond tells her that he is preparing for a boat race around the world. He wants to win it because he will win the money from Charles Widmore, who took away everything he loved because Desmond wouldn't take his money. The only thing he needs is a boat. Wow. Other than the whole "I don't have a boat" part, Desmond has a fantastic plan. I plan on going to the moon and building a huge castle for me and five of my favorite TVgasm readers. Now all I need is a rocket ship and the materials to build it. I plan on starting any day now! Libby is touched by Desmond's inability to create realistic goals for himself, so she offers to give him her boat. It was her husband David's, but he died a month ago. If we find out in another flashback that her dead husband was Hurley's uncle, I am officially giving up on this show. Desmond asks what the boat's name is. "Elizabeth. He named it after me." Libby says. "Then I will win this race Elizabeth. And I will win it for love" Desmond tells her. Good, I'm sick of people winning races for hate. It's about time love got a chance. 

It's the night that Desmond and Jack met at the stadium. We see Desmond in the parking lot as Jack pulls up alongside him. Desmond then looks up and sees Penny drive up. "How did you find me?" she says. "With enough money and determination you can find anyone," she replies. A statement that will have even more meaning by the end of the episode. She asks him if he read his beloved book. No, not Everybody Poops, the one that he was saving. The Dickens book. Not yet, he says. She asks him why he didn't write her in prison. Instead of saying that he did, he just doesn't answer. He asks her when she's getting married. She says they haven't set a date yet. "I'll be back in a year" he tells her. "What if you were back right now?" she says with a glimmer of hope. So Penny wants him back. When she asks him what he's running from he says he has to get his honor back. And since the only way a man can get his honor back is through an around-the-world boat race, he's going to be gone for a year. Wasn't this a John Candy movie? Guy needs to win a boat race to get his honor back? Or was this the plot to Meatballs 4? Now I suppose you could be thinking that a way for him to get his honor back would be you know, get a job, buy a house and start a real life again so he and Penny can be happy together. But you have to remember, he's Scottish. They do things differently up there. And why did it have to be a boat race? Couldn't he win the hot-dog-eating contest at Coney Island to win his honor back? Or maybe collect a thousand Coke points and get that sweet Coke NASCAR jacket? 
In the flashback Desmond is on the high seas getting his honor back. He is in the middle of a huge storm and when he goes above deck to try and fix the mast he is knocked unconscious. But at least he was able to save his dorky book. When he wakes up he finds himself inside the hatch. A man is standing over him asking him "What did one snowman say to the other snowman?" Desmond doesn't know what he is talking about. When he asks him his name he says "Kelvin Inman." This is the same man who was the army psyops guy who taught Sayid how to torture back in Iraq in 1991. Only then he went by the name John Inman. And a thousand years ago he went by another name. The
In real time, Eko limps out of the hatch. He stops momentarily to notice the huge quarantine sign on the blown hatch door. On the beach he runs up to Charlie and asks him for help. Getting a new shirt? Goodness no, the dirty scrap of cloth that used to be a shirt has become something of a lucky charm for the big guy. Well, that is if you don't count him crash-landing on this island, finding his dead brother and being locked out of the one true mission that Jesus has picked out for him. Namely, pushing a button on a 1984 Macintosh. Hey it could be worse, he could have to wash lepers or something. He asks Charlie how they got the hatch door open. Charlie says that they blew it up. Eko pleads with him saying that if he cant get into the hatch everyone on the island will die. With that Charlie agrees to help him.
In the jungle the merry band of thieves is walking along talking about the Others. Sawyer's theory is that they are aliens and that's why they wear masks. Kind of a funny inside joke for all the Lost fanatics and their theories. Well played, J. J. Abrams. Well played. As they are talking Kate tells Sawyer to act naturally. Leer at something or make a bad double entendre. They are being followed and she is planning on turning the tables on them. They both pull their guns out, and a firefight ensues. Sawyer drops one of the Others, but one of them gets away. When Kate starts to go after him Jack says not to. When she asks why, he says its because they have already been warned. He then looks over at Michael. "Tell them, Michael," Jack says "Tell them what?" Michael says playing dumb—something he's perfected. Jack grabs him and shoves him against a tree and screams at him to stop lying. Michael cracks. He tells them everything. The list of names. That he let Henry go. He even admits that he killed Ana Lucia and Libby. But they just don't understand. He had to. It was the only way he could get his son back. Wait a minute. Michael has a son? Who would've thought! Wow, this season finale is all about shocking revelations!
Once the doors are down Inman starts working on the invisible map, which was started by his first partner, Radzinski. "You should have seen Radzinski do this. He had a photographic memory." Desmond then asks why he never speaks about what happened to the mysterious Radzinski. Inman then walks over to him and points up to a brown stain on the ceiling. "See that? That's Radzinski" he put a shotgun in his mouth when Inman was sleeping. "Bitch of it was I only had 108 minutes to bury the poor bastard." He says as he goes back to his invisible map. Best line of the episode.
Speaking of which, Eko is still working on getting that dynamite to blow the door designed to stop people who want to blow it up with dynamite. Charlie tries to plead with Eko, saying that maybe the whole thing is a joke. Eko stands up, pulls Charlie's belt off and throws it against the far wall, where it sticks to the wall from the magnetism. Then Charlie's pants fall down to reveal his Driveshaft. Underwear I mean. Driveshaft underwear. They marketed more than Kiss. Eko tries to give Locke one more chance, saying that if Locke lets him back in he will "forgive" him. No dice. So Eko then lights the fuse and hides around the corner about two feet away. Another lesson Eko missed in fake priest school. I can't imagine how, the chapter was clearly marked "How far to stay away when lighting dynamite on blast doors that will not be affected by it on mysterious island hatches with a bald guy and Scottish dude who says 'brotha' a lot locked inside." Charlie tries to run for it as the dynamite explodes, but the entire inside of the hatch erupts in a huge fireball.
In the jungle, Michael (FYI, he is trying to get his son back), Jack, Kate, and Sawyer stumble across a gigantic pile of pneumatic tubes next to a big plastic dispensing tube. The tubes are filled with notebooks. Entire journals describing the goings-on inside the Swan hatch and the person named "SR." Radzinski? Before they have time to look at it, Sawyer sees the smoke. But something is wrong. The smoke is miles away.
Back in the flashback, Desmond is watching Inman leave in his suit when he notices that there is a tear in the leg of Inman's HAZMAT suit. Thinking the whole thing is a big hoax, Desmond silently follows him outside and to the beach. When he goes over a cliff to see what Inman's doing he sees his sailboat, repaired and floating in a small lagoon. He is then surprised by Inman, who sneaks up behind him. He says he's planning on leaving once he gets the boat fixed. "Why did you lie to me?" Desmond screams at him. "Because I needed a sucker to save the world after I left." This throws Desmond into a rage. He lunges at Inman, and they roll down the side of the embankment. Inman hits his head and dies instantly. Years as a special forces army guy, torturer and veteran of numerous bloody wars, and he dies when he hits his noggin in a three-second fight with a 5'6" Scottish guy who reads Dickens. Not since Jon Erik Hexum has there been a more embarrassing death (look it up).
In the present, Desmond is poring over the printouts from the other computer. "When did you come here? The island. When did you come here?" Desmond asks him. "I don't know, 60 days ago." Locke says. "No, the date!" Desmond says. "It was September 22nd"" Then Desmond looks down at the printout. The system failure that happened after Inman died. The one that caused the electromagnetism to start to breach, happened on September 22nd. The same day the plane went down. The massive electromagnetic output from not entering the numbers caused the plane to crash. Hear that sound? That is the sound of your mind being blown away. "I think I crashed your plane." Desmond says, as he looks up form the printout.
Back with Kate, Sawyer, Hurley, and scumbag Michael are all hooded, except for Michael, and being led down a dock. This must be the Pala Ferry referred to in the orientation tape. The French woman's daughter is there, as well as the bearded man and all the other Others. The Others pull off the captives' hoods and we see they are all gagged. Kate mumbles that they know the bearded guy's beard is fake. "Why thank you, Kate. You don't know how much this itches." He says as he takes it off. We then find out that the bearded man and Miss Clue's real names are Tom and Dee. Then we hear a noise. It's the boat from last seasons finale. And there is someone on it. It's Henry Gale. He strides onto the ferry landing and looks at Jack. "Hello again," he says calmly. He then looks over at Tom, the former bearded man. "Where's your beard?" he asks impatiently. "I think they know." says Tom sheepishly. So Henry is the leader of the Others? Or at least the liaison between the Others and the real people behind it all. But what are the Others doing here? Were they dressed that way to fool the people in the hatches? Henry then looks over at Michael and says, "Let's get down to business." And business on the Lost island is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!! And after he says that they cut to commercial. Goddamn this show. I am having multiple TVgasms and dramatic blue balls all at the same time!
Desmond is in the hatch now, alone and despondent. He is holding a gun contemplating suicide and drinking that sweet Dharma vodka. He finally decides to do what he has planned on all his life. He is going to read his final Dickens novel. When he opens the book though, a piece of paper falls out. He opens it to discover that his book is now three years overdue. Just kidding, It is a letter from Penny. It reads:
Henry then sends Michael to the boat where Walt is inside. Michael finally finds Walt. "Bon voyage," Henry says and turns to walk toward the others. They then untie Hurley and tell him he can go. His job is to tell the other people to never come here. "But what about my friends?" he says. "They are coming with us." Henry says. Hurley looks back one last time at Jack, Sawyer and Kate tied up on the pier. When the Others go to pull them off their knees, Kate and Jack look at each other. What looks like a nod of recognition goes over their faces. What? Is there a plan C? We don't know as the hoods go over their heads. 

The MTV Movie Awards are being filmed this weekend in Los Angeles, and our very own Katie and Madeyoulaugh will actually be at the red carpet (!) (J-Unit and I will be live blogging the ceremony when it airs next Thursday night). There should be plenty of excitement there, and as is the case with all awards shows, the celebrities will be receiving extravagant, ridiculous gift bags. MTV kindly sent us a press release about all the goodies, and needless to say, it's all quite insane. I was going to write commentary about each item, but truthfully, there are just too many to deal with. And here's the thing: half of the SWAG is totally dumb. My favorite giveaway comes courtesy of Superman Returns: "Superman Returns will be gifting a deluxe S3 Select Series Sculpt figure of Superman from the new hit film and a choice of the “Superman Returns” Inflato-Suit or the Remote Controlled Flying Superman figure." Oh great. I was just telling my friends about how badly I need a "Superman Returns" Inflato-Suit.
With a look at NBC’s schedule, my coverage of the 2006-2007 upfronts (the annual presentation of network’s new schedules to media outlets and advertisers) comes to a close. 

























Back in late February, Last Comic Standing held auditions here in Los Angeles, and being the whore I am for any sort of reality event, I gladly trekked on down to the Hollywood Improv to take a gander at the activities. No, I did not audition. Truth was that our old friend Kevan from Amish in the City (a.k.a. the one normal city guy) actually has a standup career going on now, and he invited us to come down and hang with him in line. Sounded like fun. Little did I know an Ice Age would happen to hit Los Angeles that night. Needless to say, it was cold (for L.A. standards, which meant the temperature was hovering near fifty degrees), but weather be damned. There were all sorts of bizarre characters out. Unfortunately, I wasn't quite as proficient with my camera as usual, and so my photos are few and far between. But I'll share what I did get.














Wow. Talk about a disturbing cliffhanger. We've seen our fair share of final challenge cliffhangers on The Apprentice -- bailing celebrities, inclement weather, more bailing celebrities -- but last night's twist was completely unexpected. In fact, I'd say it was totally random. And gross. And scary. I almost felt like I was watching the first five minutes of House. It was such a strange turn of events that I nearly forgot about Lee's head-scratching personnel picks for his final team. Basically, everything was kind of weird and nutty on this penultimate episode. Even the placement of the show itself -- Memorial Day, four days after the normal television season had ended -- seemed oddly distracting. I mean, all the other reality shows have long since wrapped up, and here we are, still plugging away with The Apprentice. The show's like a fifth year senior. Or that really lame guy who stays at the party entirely too long. That's not to say that I want this wonderful season to end. It's just that after American Idol wraps up, all other finales feel a bit... anticlimactic. Especially when the remaining contestants (cough, Lee, cough, Sean) are on the (very) lame side.







Feeling bored at the office? Looking for new sites to visit? Well, my friend Anna has just started up a blog called
It's been a week since the last Real World episode; so clearly, this recap is going up late. There's a reason, of course. In case everyone forgot, last week was pure craziness with American Idol, and then once that was over, well, it was time for a three-day weekend, and I really couldn't discipline myself enough to write a single sentence let alone a full recap. Hence, my litany of excuses for the day.








By Umnata
At 8PM, ABC will be putting the reality hit Dancing with the Stars, hoping the glitter hasn't faded over the past year. I doubt it has, but the real test will be to see who they get to hoof around with this season. More breakouts like super-ripped super-hyper Lisa Rina? Or more zoned-out train wrecks like Oscar winner Tatum O'Neal (I use Oscar winner as her title not because it's an honor but because it's just so tragically funny)? As long as we're spared another Master P, this show should keep trucking along just fine. When Stars ends in the winter, the new game show Set for the Rest of Your Life will premiere. Contestants compete over different amounts of monthly checks, and then they compete over how long they could get those monthly checks, with the ultimate goal being—you guessed it—Set for the Rest of Your Life. All the while a partner is in a soundproof booth helping and possibly unintentionally hindering your chances at winning the prizes. I never really jumped on the primetime gameshow bandwagon, but this one sounds like it might be worth checking out, if only because I think there's a very good possibility someone will got shot by episode three.


By Amanda

























This is it. The penultimate episode of The Sopranos for the season. Well, until the "second half" of the season, but since this is HBO and The Sopranos, that means we will be waiting another year at the least. So let's just savor what we got while we got it.
Next Tony and Silvio are meeting with Phil Leotardo to talk mob business. For some reason they decide to do it in a Home Depot. Where else can you talk about extortion and racketeering while getting a new doorknob? Now that Johnny Sack is in prison and essentially out as boss, Phil is flexing his muscles a little bit. Phil is cutting Tony's end on the Tidelands project. When Tony tries to protest, Phil says he doesn't care. "It's my decision. Now if you'll excuse me I have to look at paint swatches."
Later at the mall (Home Depot, the mall. Whatever happened to back alleys and smoke filled Italian restaurants as mob hangouts?) Tony is having coffee when he is approached by Vito wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap with the words "I love cock" inscribed on top. Vito tells Tony he wants back in. He's sorry he had to leave. "Things got complicated," he says. "Sure it's complicated when you're taking it up your fag ass." Tony sneers at him. It's not like that, Vito explains. He's not gay, it was just a side effect from his blood pressure medication. He's right. It says so clearly on the bottle. "Side effects include nausea, diarrhea and an urge to toss a hairy man's salad." Or am I confusing that with Luden's cough drops? Either way, Vito says he can get a note from his doctor if he wants one "proving" it. "What? That you don't like to suck cock?" Hey, it worked for Clay Aiken.
Now that Vito is in town he needs to keep a low profile, but he also wants to reconnect with his family. So he does the obvious thing and decides to have lunch at the giant glass walled restaurant right outside Rockefeller Center. Just call him "Mr. Incognito." He is trying to explain to his kids that he's a gay mobster whose life is in danger because the mafia world is violently homophobic. But instead he just tells them he works undercover for the CIA. I guess up until know his job working construction was all a "cover." When his kids buy the story I then simply assume that they are functionally retarded.
3000 miles away from Rosie Aprile's impacted bowels Tony is meeting Phil in Jersey beneath the Lou Costello statue located in scenic Patterson, New Jersey. Mob families like to meet at famous landmarks. This of course led to the tragedies of the great massacre at the St Louis Arch on 1921, and the whacking of Tommy Five fingers at the Four Corners monument in Utah (His body was found in 4 different states!). Phil has his panties in a bunch because he's heard word that that Vito is back. "You said you were gonna take care of that f*ckin' finook," he tells Tony. And then he says that if Tony heard about it and didn't say anything to him so help him he will... Tony doesn't even wait to hear the end of the sentence. He just walks off in disgust. It's his captain and he'll deal with it. Besides, he's got a noon meeting on top of the Statue of Liberty.
In Paris Carmela and Rosie are having a grand old time. When they try to walk to the Louvre from their hotel they get lost. As Carmela is walking along looking at her map she looks up to realize they are on a beautiful bridge that is covered with beautiful golden sculptures. She is left almost speechless at its beauty. "Who could have built this," she says in awe. Actually Carmela, it was Cassien-Bernard and Gaston Cousin who were the primary architects. They are on the Alexander the Third bridge, built for the 1900 Worlds Fair. It was created to symbolize the freindship between the Tsar of Russia and the French president. I mean seriously, how does she not know that?
That night Vito is on his way to his motel room in Fort Lee. He calls Tony and sets up a meeting for the next morning. Tony wants to know who his Atlantic City contacts are. As Vito gets in his motel room he is jumped from behind and beat with some pipes by a couple of thugs. They gag him with duct tape and shove him to the floor. Then out of the closet comes Phil. No, not in the euphemistically gay sense. He literally comes out of the closet. As he slowly sits on the bed Vito can tell he's a dead man and starts pleading through his gag. Phil just looks at him and calls him a "fucking disgrace," gives a nod and then his goons beat him to death right there with pipes. Now that's a good whack!
The next day at Satriale's the word gets out. Not only was Vito beaten to death, but they found a pool cue rammed up his ass. There is a moment of silence. "Lover's quarrel maybe?" Christopher says. "Look, we all know who did this." Tony answers. He sits there quietly and sees the look on his men. Tony decides to do some damage control, spinning the whole episode as Phil saving him a lot of trouble. But he is pissed. He takes Sil outside for a talk. "This wasn't about Vito. It was about me. Phil is saying he can do whatever the f*ck he wants including killing one of my captains, and I can't do shit about it." Then Sil floats the idea of going to war with Phil. Tony isn't for it saying that the last time two families went to war it lasted seven years. And when his people are out on the mattresses they aren't earning. "All Phil cares about is f*ckin' money," Tony tells him. Hmmm, So they leave us thinking that Tony will strike soon, but at one of Phil's money interests. They mention a "wire room" in Sheep's Head Bay that Phil runs. During their conversation Carmela calls to say hi. Tony asks her how the French bread and French fries are out there. That's about the extent of his knowledge of French culture. And he wants to know if she's seen Inspector Clouseau yet. The funny one, not the Steve Martine one.
Back in Jersey Silvio is cleaning up in the back at Satriale's as Carlo is chopping up some vegetables and making lunch. Fat Dom then shows up with some money from a "business venture." Fat Dom mind you is part of Phil's crew and was one of the guys that killed Vito. He sits down and starts to break Sil and Carlo's balls about Vito being gay. The first few times he gets a few dirty looks but they let it go. Fat Dom keeps at it. Then he says something about how the guitar playing on Darkness on the Edge of Town was substandard at best. This sets Silvio into a rage and he smashes his Handivac over his head. He grabs him from behind and the Carlo stabs him with his chef's knife over and over again until Fat Dom collapses on the table covered in blood. Now that's what I'm talking about! Nothing like a good whack to get the blood pumping!
Finally, the episode ends for some odd reason with a photographer noticing Vito's picture in the paper and saying that he knows who he is. He took his picture for the Thin Club. Then he shows the woman next to him the picture he took of Vito showing him doing the Jared "I'm wearing my big pants now to show how much weight I lost" look. F'ing Jared. I hate that prick. 
By Umnata



By Umnata

By Umnata

Fresh off his stint of doing, uh, nothing, Stephen Colletti from Laguna Beach will be guest VJing for MTV this summer at the beach house. His responsibilities will include being dreamy, making weird noises, and being dreamy some more. Now, why would Stephen be selected as host of the MTV Summer Sizzle? According to the press release, when he initially appeared on Laguna Beach, "young women across the country were instantly smitten with his charisma and picture perfect looks." In other news, young women across the country are IDIOTS. Eh, to each his own. Or her own, as it were. Look forward to Stephen's next fifteen minutes of fame starting June 2nd on TRL.



























By Umnata


























So it has come down to this. The final episode of 24. It has been such a great season that the producers were really going to have to do something crazy in order to wrap this thing up. I don't know, but I guess they can start with Jack stopping a crazy terrorist from unloading a dozen cruise missiles onto the west coast and finish it with perhaps Jack finally bringing President Logan to justice? I think it can be done. That may seem like a lot to do, but we have not one, but TWO WHOLE hours of Bauer. And you just knew that there was going to be a crazy twist at the end. Was all of that time worth it? I sure as hell think so. Join me as we say farewell to the Aviator Glasses of Badness, the Hoodie of Inflitration, the Messenger Bag of Death, and another gnarly season of 24.






















By Umnata (formerly Eddie)







