Like OMG! LC totally like moved to West Hollywood and was like "Hey Heidi!" and Heidi was like "Meet my new bestie Audrina!" and then LC was like "I want to be an intern for Teen Vogue" and Teen Vogue was all "Just don't sit down at the party!" and LC was like "For real?" and Heidi was all, "Nuh-uh" and LC was like "Guys! You'll get me in trouble!" Whatevs!

Yes, The Hills has officially arrived. Serving as the first spin-off of Laguna Beach, the show premiered on MTV tonight, and while there's none of that high school je ne sais quoi, I still found myself regrettably enthralled by the silly antics of Lauren Conrad and her fledgling career. Plus, who can deny the gleeful idiocy of LC's new sidekick, Heidi? The girl makes Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson seem like future candidates for the Nobel Prize. Ah yes. It shall be a delightful summer.

The big show opened up with LC packing up her bags and heading out of The 'Guna. My Tivo unfortunately cut off all but the last few seconds of this, but I imagine I didn't miss much beyond some lame narration about moving to Los Angeles. As she drove off in her car, I could almost hear the Natasha Beddingfield playing in my ears. Oh wait, I really was hearing it. Yes, the credits soon rolled and were set to that life-empowering ditty, "Unwritten." You know, the song that encourages us to feel the rain on our skin. I never knew that sensory awareness of precipitation was such an integral key to self-empowerment, but hey, what do I know?

Anyway, the credits offered up some tasty clues as to who this season's main players would be. There was Lauren, of course. No longer "LC," but we'll still call her that. We then saw... Audrina, or as I like to call her, "Girl with the dumb name." And there was Morgan S.! I didn't know she was on this show! Oh wait, it was just a girl named Whitney. Rounding out the cast was the aforementioned Heidi, and that was it. Just four girls! No boys or other random people. I find this very suspect. Maybe the producers are trying to emulate a Sex in the City core. Except dumber.

Well, this premiere episode had the very Laguna-esque title, "New City, New Drama." What great adventures would await? Might LC chip a nail? Would Heidi become baffled by a parking meter? Or would the girls find themselves at a Fro-Yo shop without their punch card??? The possibilities were endless!

Anyway, we saw various footage of LC's new neighborhood, and yes, I was quite happy to note that apparently this show was filmed five blocks away from my apartment. How the hell did I miss this?? I was so busy eating crickets and playing Dance Dance Revolution that I completely overlooked the Laguna alums in my 'hood. Note to self: stalk LC later tonight.

Nevertheless, we found LC sauntering into her new abode at the Hillside Villas, and guess who was tanning by the pool? The one and only Heidi. Some people may not remember Heidi, but she showed up from time to time on Laguna, usually to offer sidekick-y advice to LC and ask banal, plot-advancing questions like "So, what's up with you and Steven? Are you going to have dinner together?"

Anyway, Heidi was more than thrilled to see LC (a.k.a. her ticket to fame). "I was so lonely!" Heidi squealed. Translation: "I can't wait to be your high profile sidekick! What shall we do first, Master?"

Apparently Heidi had been at the apartment for some time but hadn't actually moved in. She wanted to do it with LC -- sort of like a bonding thing. Read all about it and other bonding techniques in the book, "Bonding for IDIOTS." Nevertheless, the girls walked into their apartment, and I instantly hated them. They had a freakin' duplex. Okay, I'm not going to whine. It's great that their parents have worked hard so that they can provide for their kids, but seriously, a duplex? Excuse me while I writhe with jealousy in the corner for a moment.

Before LC could even absorb the magnitude of her new digs, her cell phone rang, and yes, that ringtone was Journey's "Anyway You Want It." Delightful. LC answered the call, and while we couldn't hear the conversation on the other end, we could tell by LC's dilating pupils that something major was happening. Turns out that, like OMG, Teen Vogue had an event that night and the interview LC was going to have that afternoon was now in like twenty minutes!! OMG!!! This wasn't set up at all!!

Oh, I forgot to mention that LC was interviewing for a Teen Vogue internship. Hmmm... Wonder if she'll get it?

Well, with the pressure on to get to the Teen Vogue offices, what else was there to do but cue the Rihanna and watch LC hustle into a tall office building on Wilshire Avenue. Oh the hectic life of a young ingenue in the city!

We then met LC's future boss, the editor of Teen Vogue, Lisa Love. Yes, that was her name. She wasn't as scary and disturbing looking as 8th and Ocean's Irene Marie, but she still managed to be a bit off-putting. Whereas Irene was like a collagen version of Janice from The Muppet Show, Lisa Love had more of a wrinkly, WASPy appearance. Kind of like a long lost Shriver.

Anyway, Lisa pressed LC with tough questions. "Why Teen Vogue?" she asked. I kind of expected LC to just say, "Uh, I have an MTV camera crew. That's why." But instead, LC went the earnest route and said, "I've read Vogue for years, and I love Teen Vogue because that's where I get ideas for everything I do. And I like that it does have all the fashion, and like in every one they have like an issue that affects teens." Ah, well-stated, LC. It's that sort of precise articulation that will make you the belle of the literary world.

Lisa then asked, "Can you write?" To which LC, of course, said yes. Then in a neat ironic twist, Lisa followed up by asking, "Good?" Nice grammar, EDITOR. You're supposed to ask if people write well, not good. I'm onto you, Lisa Love.

Anyway, LC replied, "I enjoy writing." Unfortunately for LC, I'm not sure if she realized that "writing" did not include emails, texting, and IMs.

After this rigorous interrogation, LC returned to the apartment complex where she found Heidi tanning yet again, but this time, there was a giant slab of beef jerky wearing a bikini next to her. Oh wait. That was actually another girl. "This is my first new friend in LA!" Heidi proudly announced, introducing LC to this tantastic mystery girl. Turns out this was the one and only Audrina, and from what we could tell, she was just as vapid as her name would suggest. "What intern did you apply for?" she asked LC. InternSHIP. InternSHIP. Sigh.

Anyway, for whatever reason, Heidi loved Audrina and said, "You're adopted!" Countdown to catfights and general bitching: three weeks.

Later, LC and Heidi and Audrina and various guys (boyfriends, roommates of boyfriends, etc.) all met up at the always wonderful restaurant Geisha House (the very same establishment where Mischa Barton was Punk'd. Oh how she'll rue the day that she ever went there!). There, the gang talked about how craaaazy it was to have a full time job and blah blah blah, we went to commercial wondering whether or not LC would get the internship. What ever might happen?

After the break, we found LC and Heidi visiting FIDM, or as the non-acronym-ites call it, the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising. Apparently the girls were enrolling for classes there, or something like that. As they waited in some sort of lobby, Heidi mused, "I can't wait to start going out more." Yeah, she needs an outlet from her stressful day of tanning and adopting fellow dolts to join her coven of idiocy.

Anyway, an incredibly tall woman named Susan Aronson soon greeted both girls and said she would interview each of them at a time. I don't know how to describe Susan. I guess if Kathy Baker and Karen Hayes from 24 had a love child, it would be Susan Aronson. Well, first up for the interviews was LC, and of course, Susan fawned over her. Let's not forget that LC had two seasons of MTV stardom under her belt at this point.

"We are very proud of you," Susan said. I don't really know why she was proud, but she just was. She did mention something about a grade point average, but whatever. She was just kissing ass, as evidenced by her telling LC that she was so lucky to be in contention for an internship at Teen Vogue. When it came to Heidi, however, it was a different story. Susan asked her how she was as a student in high school, and Heidi gave possibly one of the worst responses short of saying, "I murdered everyone I knew."

"I never learned anything. I never went to school. I never did anything. I just went shopping and just hung out," Heidi said. She then added, "Did I mention that I'm a total and complete MORON?"

Keep in mind that this was an admissions interview.

"Have you looked at the curriculum?" Susan then asked.

"No," Heidi answered proudly, as if that would earn her some medal. When asked about her goals, Heidi then said, "I want to do PR... I want to be the fun party PR girl in LA type of thing... kind of like the party scene." I can only imagine the sort of shame her parents feel. Actually, what's sad is that they probably don't feel shame. They're just happy their daughter is on TV. I'm embarrassed for humanity right now.

Well, Susan explained in a slow, deliberate way (kind of how you talk to first graders) that it usually takes someone being in the industry a long time before they can organize parties at a professional level.

"Really? It's not like right away?" Heidi asked. Yes, Heidi. Sometimes you actually have to work towards things. Like, you know, any basic career. Susan asked Heidi if she'd be willing to work retail, but NO. Fräulein Heidi works for NO ONE! Retail was out of the question!

"Am I seriously talking to this girl?"

"I'm daft!"

Afterwards, we found the girls chilling at their apartment, no doubt plotting Heidi's next big career move (which was most likely a difficult choice between tanning poolside or eating a carrot stick). Suddenly LC's phone rang, and uh oh! It was Chantal! I didn't know who Chantal was, but I could tell it was important. Apparently, Chantal was calling from Teen Vogue, and guess what? She was getting BLAINE on the line! BLAINE! Wait, who was Blaine?

Turns out Blaine was another Teen Vogue person, and he was calling to give LC "feedback" on her interview with Lisa Love. "There are not a lot of interns that we find that are ready at the age of nineteen," he said, adding, "But you have a TV show and will give us tons of free publicity; so, you're hired!" Okay, he didn't say that. However, he did babble on about how their interns had to be great writers and have lots of experience, and while LC probably didn't fit the bill at all, Lisa saw lots of potential (cough, publicity, cough) and you're hired. "We think it might be a good match," Blaine said, a look of disgust on his face. You could just tell he was thinking, "I worked my way up for ten years and this damn girls just waltzes in..."

Well, LC accepted the job right there on the spot, and no one was happier than Heidi. This raised her sidekick prominence to a whole new level! We then followed LC to the Teen Vogue offices where we met another intern, the aforementioned Whitney. Might she be a rival for LC? Or perhaps a competing sidekick for Heidi? Either way, the two girls took seats in their cramped, cluttered office (which may or may not have been located in Anna Wintour's walk-in closet). Whitney began yammering away right off the bat, and LC did her patented Distant Smile of Complexity. Disaster soon struck, however, when one of LC's errant fingers pressed the on-button of a nearby Mac, causing the machine to chime to life. OH NO! The girls panicked for about two seconds, but soon they had bigger fish to fry: namely, an androgynous woman named Olivia, who was apparently the magazine's resident stylist. Within seconds, Olivia was assessing the girls' fashion, making adjustments and saying dumb things like "I feel like it's a bit too matchy-matchy."

Perky!

Once the girls were deemed Vogue-ready, they were then brought into Lisa Love's office where they learned all the ground rules. Basically, they were to act professionally no matter where they were -- in or out of the office. They represented the company, and if they were to get into any trouble, their ass would be grass. Well, not LC. She had a camera crew. But Whitney. You watch your back!

Later, the girls were given their first big job: send out 500 invitations for a party. Gosh, haven't the people at Vogue heard of Evite? Nevertheless, the girls began the arduous process of assembling these invites, pausing to occasionally gawk at the celebrities on the list. Josh Duhamel! Gavin DeGraw! I'm sure LC will be thrilled when she sees Stephen Colletti and Kristin Cavallari on the list too. "Hey, wait a second. I went to high school with those guys..."

The next day, we found Heidi and LC lounging by the pool again, and here's a shocker: Heidi wanted LC to get her into that Teen Vogue party. The same one that Josh Duhamel and Gavin DeGraw would be at. Not so fast, Heidster. In case you weren't paying attention, this was your friend's first week at the job. "I'm not going to like mess up my internship and do something shady just like to go to a party," LC told her.

"Yeah..." Heidi replied, all broken-hearted. Ah, nothing as sad as a sidekick's dreams of grandeur going up in smoke.

Back at the office later, we found LC and Whitney giggling about something until suddenly, there were a series of "SHHHHH!" noises. Yes, LISA LOVE HAD ENTERED THE ROOM. I love how intimidating she's supposed to be. I really can't take her seriously though with that name. I mean, "Lisa Love"? Doesn't she know that any fashion editor can't have alliteration in her name? She needs to change it to something French-sounding. Whatever she chooses, she has to make sure she no longer sounds like a) a country star; b) a porn star; or c) Lisa Loeb. I throw it out to the readers to suggest their favorite alternate last names for Lisa Love. I'll get the ball rolling with "Bontemps."

Anyway, Lisa alerted LC and wh-wh-wh-Whitney that they would be working the party tonight (like OMG!) BUT this was not a time to have fun and hang out. They'd be doing their jobs, and if any of them even THOUGHT about sitting down, they'd be outta there. That's right. NO SITTING. Sounds simple enough...

Cut to the party at the Roosevelt Hotel, and all the glitteratti were there! Nicole Ritchie! Some guy! Paris Hilton! Wow! How exciting! Turns out that Whitney would be working the door/red carpet while LC would be guarding the VIP area. "No one can sit here," Blaine told LC, pointing at a nearby seating area. That's right, GUARD THESE OTTOMANS WITH YOUR LIFE!!

Almost on cue, rebellious sidekick Heidi suddenly called up, and hey, by the way, she was downstairs! "What are you doing here, Heidi?" LC asked. DUH! She was there to potentially jeopardize your high profile job so that she could partaaay!!!

"Just sneak us in," Heidi insisted. How about you just get shot in the head? Go away, shrew!

I was really hoping that LC would be firm with her friend and tell her to head elsewhere, but alas, LC finally told her sidekick to speak to Whitney at the front door. A few phone calls later, and Whitney surreptitiously let Heidi and her gaggle of friends (including Audrina) into the party. You can't tell me that the Vogue execs didn't expect this.

Well, what was the first thing that Heidi did? No, not quietly blend to keep her friend out of trouble. Instead, she ran across the party and squealed a loud hello to LC (which was of course topped off with a grandiose hug). Oh, I'm sure Lisa Love will enjoy that. To make matters worse, the HeidiGaggle then happily sat down in LC's VIP area. WHAT?!?! Get them out of there! I don't know why I was so concerned for LC, but I just was. But wait: it got worse. Then LC sat down with her friends. What was the one thing that Lisa Love emphasized? NO SITTING AND HANGING OUT! This was going to be pure disaster.

Suddenly, there was some random Heidi drama with one of the guys (I really didn't know what it was, nor did I care enough to go back and find out). All I knew was that Heidi was now drunk and screaming. From across the party, we could tell that Blaine was not happy. He soon came over and asked what all the drama was about.

"Oh, it was just, they were fighting, but you can see it's all better. They were just fighting over something. But now they're fine," LC said, pointing to Heidi who was not only crying, but crying in the prohibited VIP area. Yeah, no drama here!

Drama? What drama?

Blaine then wandered away, and LC implored her friends to stop with the drama, but it was too late. They'd been spotted by the Love-inator. Lisa soon appeared over the gang and politely told LC, "Nobody should be sitting here yet, okay? We'll talk about it on Monday." BUUSSSTED!!! It was such a succinct, almost pleasant remark, but we knew that in the world of Vogue, that meant "Your ass is mine, you stupid little bitch."

After Lisa left, Audrina piped up and asked, "Was that who you work for?" No. It was the cocktail waitress. OF COURSE IT WAS, YOU IDIOT. Audrina then followed up with, "Why'd she get all mad?" Like totally? What was up with her? Just because she's the boss and told LC not to let people sit on the couches, that was like way uncool of her to be all mad like that. Whatevs, granny!

Eventually, the HeidiGaggle deemed the party "over" and waltzed out, leaving LC alone with her headset and a look of total intractable guilt on her face. And to think, the VIPs never even came. All this drama over nothing. Just to prove the point, we then saw flowers floating aimlessly in the pool. LIKE LIFE!!!

And so ended the first eventful episode. What did you think? It's no Laguna, but is it the new guilty pleasure?

Posted by at 7:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (53)

What can I say. After this weeks amazing Lost two hour finale I can honestly say I am speechless. Good thing for me that I'm writing this recap instead of live blogging it the way the cool kids are these days, cuz It would just be an image of me with my mouth agape, sitting in my satin TV watchin' robe with my beloved cats Suri and Shiloh on my lap. The show just rocked. Purely and simply. It had everything. Fantastic revelations, huge cliffhangers, and a big four-toed statue. But I am getting ahead of myself.

It was a rousing sendoff to a great year. So much was revealed and so many new questions raised that it will make these five months between seasons last that much longer. And to all you American Idol fans who chose to watch Clay Aiken's new hairstyle instead of what had to be the best two hours of television in years, all I can say is you can McSuck it.

The show starts as they always do, the moment after the last episode's cliffhanger moment. There's a boat right offshore. Now that Ana Lucia and Libby's two-minute funeral is over, everyone rushes to the beach, excited at the prospect of being saved. The holy hunky trinity of Sawyer, Jack and Sayid all take their shirts off and start swimming out to it. When they get on board they can hear some inside. As they approach the cabin hatch they see it's locked. Too bad Locke isn't there; the man specializes in opening hatches of all shapes and sizes. Then whoever is inside starts shooting at them, ripping holes in the cabin door. Jack pulls out his gun, and working together they open the hatch. It's Desmond, the former button-pusher, piss drunk on Dharma vodka (it's like Popov vodka, only not as good).

That night in camp, things are buzzing. At the huge outdoor dinner pavilion (where exactly did this thing come from?) everyone can't stop talking about the boat. Yet another testament to the enduring memory of Ana Lucia and Libby. Jack is alone with Desmond, who is still drunk. "Why did you come back?" Jack asks him. Desmond starts laughing. He didn't come back. He's been sailing for two weeks. He should be in Fiji right now, but instead he found himself back at the island. "There is no outside world! We are stuck in the snow globe brotha." Well if that's true they better start picking the mates soon. No one wants to get the short end of the stick and be forced to have kids with the ugly people. As Jack gets up to leave, Desmond asks him one last question. "You still pushing it?" "Yeah, were still pushing it." Jack says and walks off.

From here we cut to our final flashback of the year (it made me so sad to type that). It's Desmond. He is getting released from military prison, for a crime he didn't commit. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire: THE A-TEAM! Sorry. I got caught up in the moment there... Anyway, as Desmond is being given back his possessions, we see the picture that he had in the hatch of him and a woman. And then he hands him a book, Our Mutual Friend by Charles Dickens. When the guard asks him why he didn't bring it in to jail with him, he tells him that he wants that to be the last thing he reads. I feel the same way about The Godfather. I love those movies so much and want to wait until right before I die to watch the majesty that is The Godfather: Part III. The last thing I do on this earth will be savoring its genius, so nobody give anything away! With that the guard officially releases "David Desmond Hume" from prison with a dishonorable discharge. Of course we don't know why, but that will no doubt be revealed another day. If we don't ask, they won't tell.

When Desmond gets outside he sees a car waiting for him with a man in the back seat. He doesn't want to get in but he isn't given much choice. The man shows him two boxes. In one of them is his past, the other, his future. Then he has a red pill and a blue pill. If he wants to be set free, he must take the red pill. Or maybe that's the one that will make him smaller. I get confused. The box that is his past is filled with letters. Every letter he wrote to Penny Widmore. So I am now assuming this man is the long talked about Mr. Widmore of Widmore Industries. Widmore Industries, for those who don't know, has been popping up here and there throughout the series (and figures prominently in the book Bad Twin). Mr. Widmore tells Desmond that Penny has moved on and is getting married. He then shows him the box that is his future. It's filled with money. Not real money, but that goofy colored British money with the old lady on it. Widmore says he'll give Desmond this money if he agrees never to call or write to Penny again. When Desmond asks why he would do that, Widmore looks at him and says, "Because you're a coward". Desmond then wets his pants.

Back on the island, Sayid is talking to Jack about their plan to double-double-cross Michael. He says that the boat will help them. As Jack and the others (small o) approach by land Sasyid will approach by water and get to the camp before them. That way he can scout out the Others' numbers and weapons. He will then burn a pile of wood to make black smoke so Jack, Sawyer, and Kate can meet him there and go in together. Sayid doesn't take a dump without a plan. I did once. It was a disaster.

In the hatch Eko is keeping watch over the computer. Locke comes in and tells him that he's been thinking. He doesn't want Eko to hit the button anymore. Actually he commands him not to hit the button anymore. This brings out the Nigerian warlord in Eko, and when Locke tries to smash the computer, Eko punches him and he drops like a bag of wet mice. Then Eko grabs him and throws him out of the hatch. "Do not come back." He says. Priests. Whattya gonna do?

On the beach, it's time for the posse to saddle up and head into the sunset. When Kate says she has second thoughts about it because of the fact that she knows they use fake beards and maybe, just maybe, that means their campsite is fake too, Michael just interrupts them in his subtle "nervous murderer" way and says they have to go. "Enough jibber jabber. Lets roll" says Sawyer. Jibber jabber? Really? Well, with that they head off. On the other part of the beach Sayid is going to Desmond about the boat. Desmond says not to bother trying to get away, there's no way off the island. Sayid says he won't, he just needs it to go after the Others, who Desmond refers to as hostiles. Since Desmond already has unloaded his grain alcohol he says it's all his. We then cut back to the flashback.

Desmond is in a Starbucks buying a four-dollar cup of coffee. When he realizes that all he has is the wacky colored money from England, the woman next to him offers to buy him his coffee. The woman is none other than Libby herself, with a different haircut. An ugly haircut. As they sit and talk Desmond tells her that he is preparing for a boat race around the world. He wants to win it because he will win the money from Charles Widmore, who took away everything he loved because Desmond wouldn't take his money. The only thing he needs is a boat. Wow. Other than the whole "I don't have a boat" part, Desmond has a fantastic plan. I plan on going to the moon and building a huge castle for me and five of my favorite TVgasm readers. Now all I need is a rocket ship and the materials to build it. I plan on starting any day now! Libby is touched by Desmond's inability to create realistic goals for himself, so she offers to give him her boat. It was her husband David's, but he died a month ago. If we find out in another flashback that her dead husband was Hurley's uncle, I am officially giving up on this show. Desmond asks what the boat's name is. "Elizabeth. He named it after me." Libby says. "Then I will win this race Elizabeth. And I will win it for love" Desmond tells her. Good, I'm sick of people winning races for hate. It's about time love got a chance.

In the jungle the merry band of brothers (and sister) are walking along until they hear something. They look up and see a bird in the trees come swooping down. It looks like a vulture or an eagle. Or it could be Toucan Sam searching for a "fruitful snootful" of Kellogg's Fruit Loops for all I know. It all happened so fast. When it swoops over it subtly screeches out Hurley's name. This is confirmed by rewatching it with the closed captioning on. So now what? Dharma has talking birds? When Michael starts shooting at the bird he realizes his gun isn't loaded. Jack looks over and says he must have forgot to load it. Then he gives Michael a new gun, with bullets. Michael eyes him suspiciously. Methinks the jig is up.

Over on the other part of the island, Locke is in a secluded part of the woods and crying like a schoolgirl with a scraped knee. The man is blubbering like there is no tomorrow. Baby needs his blanky. Oh Locke, whatever happened to the rough and tumble crippled walkabout guy we all fell in love with? Reduced to tears over a button. Charlie stumbles across him and tells him, in an unbelievably sarcastic and insulting way, that Desmond is back. Since when did the heroin addict, murdering, kidnapping freak start feeling superior to people? I mean sure Driveshaft was a kickass band we can all agree on that, but Charlie is quite the scumbag. And he has bad Scottish teeth. All that rock and roll money and you still have those godawful fangs? Thats the real mystery of Lost.

Don't you just want to punch that face?

When Sayid is getting ready to go on the boat he sees Sun with him. "I'm sorry if what I said was confusing. I asked Jin to come" Ahh, you can take the man out of Iraq but the antiquated sexist morals remain. Still, he can torture real good, and that's become quite a necessity on this island. Sun says that they need her to translate and he also needs at least two people to know how to sail. "Desmond managed on his own" Sayid says. "And look where that got him" Sun replies. When Sayid looks over at Jin, he gives that "Don't look at me, she's the boss" shrug that is universal to all husbands.

How do you say "She's the boss" in Korean?

Desmond is back on the beach having a Tommy Lee moment—meaning he is drinking vodka straight out of the bottle while ogling Claire's baby. When he sees her injecting Aaron with the vaccine, he tells her that it's a waste of time. He did it for three years and it got him nowhere. And now his testicles are the size of raisins. Then he asks about the baby's father and whether he is still around. "He had other priorities" Claire says. And we cut right to the flashback.

It's the night that Desmond and Jack met at the stadium. We see Desmond in the parking lot as Jack pulls up alongside him. Desmond then looks up and sees Penny drive up. "How did you find me?" she says. "With enough money and determination you can find anyone," she replies. A statement that will have even more meaning by the end of the episode. She asks him if he read his beloved book. No, not Everybody Poops, the one that he was saving. The Dickens book. Not yet, he says. She asks him why he didn't write her in prison. Instead of saying that he did, he just doesn't answer. He asks her when she's getting married. She says they haven't set a date yet. "I'll be back in a year" he tells her. "What if you were back right now?" she says with a glimmer of hope. So Penny wants him back. When she asks him what he's running from he says he has to get his honor back. And since the only way a man can get his honor back is through an around-the-world boat race, he's going to be gone for a year. Wasn't this a John Candy movie? Guy needs to win a boat race to get his honor back? Or was this the plot to Meatballs 4? Now I suppose you could be thinking that a way for him to get his honor back would be you know, get a job, buy a house and start a real life again so he and Penny can be happy together. But you have to remember, he's Scottish. They do things differently up there. And why did it have to be a boat race? Couldn't he win the hot-dog-eating contest at Coney Island to win his honor back? Or maybe collect a thousand Coke points and get that sweet Coke NASCAR jacket?

On the beach Desmond is wallowing alone when Locke comes up to greet him. "What if I told you for all those years that you and all the men before you were down there pushing that button. What if I told you it was all for nothing." When Desmond asks him how he would know that Locke tells him about the Pearl station and how it was all a psychological experiment. Desmond can't believe what he is saying. Locke shows him the orientation tape that explains it all. Desmond says that if he's so sure why doesn't he just stop pushing the button. He did decide to stop he says. But someone else decided to start. "So you're gonna sober up. Get a good night's sleep. And tomorrow we are gonna find out what happens when that button doesn't get pushed". A former cripple and a drunk Scotsman vs. a Nigerian warlord masquerading as a priest. It's the ultimate Mortal Kombat. Left-right-up-down-A-B makes Eko use a contraction in a sentence.

That night in the jungle Hurley is sitting by the fire. Sawyer offers him a Dharma nutra bar but he turns it down. It was probably because it had the word "nutra" in it. If it was called a "deep fried bar" I'm sure he would have been all over it. Over on the other side of their hastily constructed camp Michael is stewing alone in his own guilt. And it stinks. Jack comes by and asks him how he's doing. Michael says he's fine and then thanks him for helping him get... HIS BOY!!!!! Sorry, It's hard to resist. "Live together, die alone," Jack says. Then he quietly adds, "Get busy livin'. Or get busy dyin."

In the boat. Jin, Sun, and Sayid are sailing. Sun has morning sickness, or maybe she dipped into some of Desmond's Dharma vodka. Jin says she needs to see something. When Sayid hands her the binoculars she looks and sees that on the coastline are the remains of a giant statue. "I don't know what is more disquieting. The fact that the rest of the statue is gone, or that it has four toes." And then we see what he's talking about. Its the remains of a giant statue with a big four-toed foot. Does that mean that this island was colonized by cartoon people? Was it created by Dharma as an example of what they are attempting to achieve through genetic mutation? If so, then where is the rest of the statue? Is it thousands of years old? WTF is going on with this show? I haven't been this freaked out since I met this dude.

Back in the hatch. Eko is sitting there etching more sayings into his big pounding stick. Probably something along the lines of "Thou shalt not let the bald man keep you from the button." He then starts to hear some suspicious noises. When he gets up to investigate we hear the familiar sounds of the woman's voice on the speaker system. It's time for a lockdown! Once Eko realizes what's going on, he races back to get inside the computer room, but he's too late. Locke and Desmond are already there—Desmond tripped the lockdown by crossing some wires. With the countdown at 101 minutes, Locke says now all they have to do is sit there and wait.

In the flashback Desmond is on the high seas getting his honor back. He is in the middle of a huge storm and when he goes above deck to try and fix the mast he is knocked unconscious. But at least he was able to save his dorky book. When he wakes up he finds himself inside the hatch. A man is standing over him asking him "What did one snowman say to the other snowman?" Desmond doesn't know what he is talking about. When he asks him his name he says "Kelvin Inman." This is the same man who was the army psyops guy who taught Sayid how to torture back in Iraq in 1991. Only then he went by the name John Inman. And a thousand years ago he went by another name. The Kurgan (cue Queen music). Then Desmond hears the noise of the button. Inman goes and enters the numbers and hits enter. "What was that?" Desmond asks. "Just saving the world." Inman tells him.

Then we see Desmond watching the orientation tape. And this is the first time I noticed that in this orientation film the Asian man has only one arm and walks with a limp. In the Pearl orientation tape he is perfectly healthy with working arms. I'm not living up to my geek street cred for taking this long to notice. Desmond asks Inman why there are some parts missing on the film. "Radzinski made some edits," he says. But when Desmond asks him why, he doesn't answer. No one ever answers direct questions on this show.

Desmond asks him who Radzinski was and Inman just says that he was his partner. Then Inman starts putting on his HAZMAT suit. When Desmond asks why he has to wear it, Inman just says its so he doesn't get infected. Does Desmond ask what could be infecting him? No, of course not. Then Inman shows him the vaccine and tells him to take it every nine days.

In real time, Eko limps out of the hatch. He stops momentarily to notice the huge quarantine sign on the blown hatch door. On the beach he runs up to Charlie and asks him for help. Getting a new shirt? Goodness no, the dirty scrap of cloth that used to be a shirt has become something of a lucky charm for the big guy. Well, that is if you don't count him crash-landing on this island, finding his dead brother and being locked out of the one true mission that Jesus has picked out for him. Namely, pushing a button on a 1984 Macintosh. Hey it could be worse, he could have to wash lepers or something. He asks Charlie how they got the hatch door open. Charlie says that they blew it up. Eko pleads with him saying that if he cant get into the hatch everyone on the island will die. With that Charlie agrees to help him.

In the jungle the merry band of thieves is walking along talking about the Others. Sawyer's theory is that they are aliens and that's why they wear masks. Kind of a funny inside joke for all the Lost fanatics and their theories. Well played, J. J. Abrams. Well played. As they are talking Kate tells Sawyer to act naturally. Leer at something or make a bad double entendre. They are being followed and she is planning on turning the tables on them. They both pull their guns out, and a firefight ensues. Sawyer drops one of the Others, but one of them gets away. When Kate starts to go after him Jack says not to. When she asks why, he says its because they have already been warned. He then looks over at Michael. "Tell them, Michael," Jack says "Tell them what?" Michael says playing dumb—something he's perfected. Jack grabs him and shoves him against a tree and screams at him to stop lying. Michael cracks. He tells them everything. The list of names. That he let Henry go. He even admits that he killed Ana Lucia and Libby. But they just don't understand. He had to. It was the only way he could get his son back. Wait a minute. Michael has a son? Who would've thought! Wow, this season finale is all about shocking revelations!

Hurley is so disgusted at Michael he says he is going back. Jacks says that he can't. If Michael doesn't show up with all four of them the Others could know they are on to them and kill them all. He apologizes for not telling them right away but he says he never would have brought them out here without a plan B.

Speaking of plan B, we then see Sayid on the boat praying to Allah. Then Sun tries to mess with him by turning the boat around so he's not facing east. Punk'd! Jin sees the rocks off in the distance. The one with the hole in the middle. Was it used as a glory hole for the giant 4 toed statues of yesteryear? We might never know. All they do know is that this means they have arrived at the Others' camp.

In the jungle with Eko and Charlie, Charlie is leading him to the Dy-no-mite pile. Eko is planning on blowing up the hatch blast doors. Eko is unaware of the definition of a "blast door." He must have missed that class in fake priest school. When Charlie tells them what he is doing, Desmond says nothing would be able to blow up that door. When Locke asks him if he is sure, Desmond looks over to a crumpled metal shelf and says "I'm sure." Then we cut to the flashback.

We see Inman mixing some Dharma detergent with a brush. He tells Desmond to get ready. Desmond puts the crumpled metal shelf under the doorway and then goes over to a control panel in the computer room, crosses some wires, and we hear the familiar voice of the woman counting down. It's time for a lockdown.

Once the doors are down Inman starts working on the invisible map, which was started by his first partner, Radzinski. "You should have seen Radzinski do this. He had a photographic memory." Desmond then asks why he never speaks about what happened to the mysterious Radzinski. Inman then walks over to him and points up to a brown stain on the ceiling. "See that? That's Radzinski" he put a shotgun in his mouth when Inman was sleeping. "Bitch of it was I only had 108 minutes to bury the poor bastard." He says as he goes back to his invisible map. Best line of the episode.

Desmond then tells him that he wants to go outside next. It's always Inman who gets to go. Inman says it's too dangerous with the hostiles and the quarantine. Here's an idea: the Others are dressed that way so they look like savages affected by the "sickness" to the people in the hatch who venture out? But if that's true then the plane crash wasn't planned, and if so, how did the Others know everyone's names? This is the shit that keeps me up at night.

Anyway, Desmond tries to argue his point by swaying that he was in the army. Inman shoots back. "Oooh, right. Her Majesty's army, correct? How is that nice old lady's Army?" Oooh, Dharma Snap! Then Inman points out that he was kicked out of his army for not following orders. "And why did you get kicked out of yours?" Desmond asks him. "Because men followed my orders." Then Inman continues his sarcastic rant "Oh, but then thank god I joined the Dharma initiative! Namaste, thank you and good luck!" Inman says that Desmond can't go out. He has to stay and push the button.

Speaking of which, Eko is still working on getting that dynamite to blow the door designed to stop people who want to blow it up with dynamite. Charlie tries to plead with Eko, saying that maybe the whole thing is a joke. Eko stands up, pulls Charlie's belt off and throws it against the far wall, where it sticks to the wall from the magnetism. Then Charlie's pants fall down to reveal his Driveshaft. Underwear I mean. Driveshaft underwear. They marketed more than Kiss. Eko tries to give Locke one more chance, saying that if Locke lets him back in he will "forgive" him. No dice. So Eko then lights the fuse and hides around the corner about two feet away. Another lesson Eko missed in fake priest school. I can't imagine how, the chapter was clearly marked "How far to stay away when lighting dynamite on blast doors that will not be affected by it on mysterious island hatches with a bald guy and Scottish dude who says 'brotha' a lot locked inside." Charlie tries to run for it as the dynamite explodes, but the entire inside of the hatch erupts in a huge fireball.

In the flashback we see Desmond being awakened by the button alarm. He races out and enters the numbers in. It was Inman's shift, so where is he? Then he hears Inman singing. Under a trap door in the floor. He goes down to investigate and sees that Inman is drunk sitting in a corner next to a key switch. Damn this island loves buttons, and now we've added key switches to the mix. I heard next season is all about levers. Oh, but this is a special key switch. It is marked "Caution: System Termination." Which doesn't sound as good as "For free strippers: Turn key." In fact it is quite the opposite. I for one don't want to terminate any systems on this wacky island.

"I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it," Inman says. What is it, Desmond asks. "Failsafe. Turn this key and this all goes away." Desmond asks what is behind the wall, what was the incident? Amazingly... Inman answers. I'm sorry. It's just for a Lost fan I am not used to people ever answering questions directly, so this got me very excited. It doesn't take much. As a kid playing inside a huge cardboard box would keep me entertained for hours. I would've done the same with an old refrigerator, but a very special episode of Punky Brewster taught me not to do that. "Electromagnetism," Inman says. "Geologically unique. The incident, there was a leak, so now the charge builds up, and every time we push the button, it discharges it. Before it gets too big."

Why make us do it? Push the button? Inman laughs. "Here's the real question, Desmond. Do you have the courage to take your finger out of the dam and blow the whole thing up instead?" No, here is the real question, Why couldn't you simply design a program to automatically discharge the magnetism? Here, I can do it for you right now:

1 If time = 108 then goto line 2
2 Enter =4 8 15 16 23 42 goto line 3
3 discharge freaky island magnetism. Goto line 4
4 Reset clock to 108

There, done. I just saved the Dharma Initiative the cost of two full salaried employees. They can mail me a check.

In the modern hatch Desmond wants to go outside and check on Eko and Charlie outside. He thinks they may be dead. Locke stops him. Desmond then asks him a question. Why does he want to let the counter go down to zero? Does he really want to look down the barrel of the gun? Locke then says that he believed. He believed it was his purpose. So much so that a kid died for it. And that night he was pounding his fists on that hatch door, screaming at the heavens. And then a light came on. He thought it was a sign. "But it wasn't a sign. Probably just you going to the bathroom." The clock reads 32 minutes and counting.

On the north side of the island Sayid is reconnoitering the Others' camp, Bauer style. Only when he gets there it is deserted. Not a single person. He then goes over to the hatch that they were protecting and opens it. Nothing. A fake door and a fake hatch. The whole village is one huge decoy. Heck, I coulda told you that.

In the jungle, Michael (FYI, he is trying to get his son back), Jack, Kate, and Sawyer stumble across a gigantic pile of pneumatic tubes next to a big plastic dispensing tube. The tubes are filled with notebooks. Entire journals describing the goings-on inside the Swan hatch and the person named "SR." Radzinski? Before they have time to look at it, Sawyer sees the smoke. But something is wrong. The smoke is miles away.

Jack yells, "Where were you taking us? Sayid said he'd light the signal so we would meet him at the shore. We're nowhere near the beach!" Michael yells at him, "I had to!" and begins to plead. And then, the whispers start. The Others are near. The only thing I can make out is the name Elizabeth, but from past experience there are more embedded whispers in there, and rest assured there are an army of nerds out there that will find out for us. If you hear of anything, let us know in the forums.

They all draw their guns. Sawyer than grabs at his neck. A tranquilizer dart. Strike that, a tranquilizer dart that acts as a mini tazer. Sawyer goes down. The rest try to run—well all but Hurley—but it's too late. They are all captured by the others. Damn you Michael. Damn you to hell.

In the hatch, Desmond is quizzing Locke about the other hatch. Pearl station. He says it was full of TV monitors and a computer that spit out a printout. They were there to evaluate what went on in the hatch as part of the experiment and then send there reports back to their headquarters. But Desmond asks Locke if maybe he has it all wrong. Maybe the experiment was on them—the people at Pearl station. Maybe the button does need to be pushed. After what we just saw in the jungle I am starting to believe it myself. Then Desmond goes and looks at the printouts. All of which have the times followed by the word "accepted" on it.

Back in the flashback, Desmond is watching Inman leave in his suit when he notices that there is a tear in the leg of Inman's HAZMAT suit. Thinking the whole thing is a big hoax, Desmond silently follows him outside and to the beach. When he goes over a cliff to see what Inman's doing he sees his sailboat, repaired and floating in a small lagoon. He is then surprised by Inman, who sneaks up behind him. He says he's planning on leaving once he gets the boat fixed. "Why did you lie to me?" Desmond screams at him. "Because I needed a sucker to save the world after I left." This throws Desmond into a rage. He lunges at Inman, and they roll down the side of the embankment. Inman hits his head and dies instantly. Years as a special forces army guy, torturer and veteran of numerous bloody wars, and he dies when he hits his noggin in a three-second fight with a 5'6" Scottish guy who reads Dickens. Not since Jon Erik Hexum has there been a more embarrassing death (look it up).

Once Desmond sees he's dead he grabs the key from around his neck and races back to the hatch. He's too late. The countdown has expired, and the voice on the speaker system keeps repeating "System Failure" over and over again. Everything is shaking, and the hieroglyphics are showing on the timer. Desmond can only manage a few of the numbers before "System Failure" covers the computer screen over and over again. Then the shaking gets worse. All the metal objects in the hatch start flying across the room. Desmond enters in the final numbers and hits Execute. A moment passes, and then it stops. The computer goes back to normal, and everything is quieter again.

In the present, Desmond is poring over the printouts from the other computer. "When did you come here? The island. When did you come here?" Desmond asks him. "I don't know, 60 days ago." Locke says. "No, the date!" Desmond says. "It was September 22nd"" Then Desmond looks down at the printout. The system failure that happened after Inman died. The one that caused the electromagnetism to start to breach, happened on September 22nd. The same day the plane went down. The massive electromagnetic output from not entering the numbers caused the plane to crash. Hear that sound? That is the sound of your mind being blown away. "I think I crashed your plane." Desmond says, as he looks up form the printout.

Back with Kate, Sawyer, Hurley, and scumbag Michael are all hooded, except for Michael, and being led down a dock. This must be the Pala Ferry referred to in the orientation tape. The French woman's daughter is there, as well as the bearded man and all the other Others. The Others pull off the captives' hoods and we see they are all gagged. Kate mumbles that they know the bearded guy's beard is fake. "Why thank you, Kate. You don't know how much this itches." He says as he takes it off. We then find out that the bearded man and Miss Clue's real names are Tom and Dee. Then we hear a noise. It's the boat from last seasons finale. And there is someone on it. It's Henry Gale. He strides onto the ferry landing and looks at Jack. "Hello again," he says calmly. He then looks over at Tom, the former bearded man. "Where's your beard?" he asks impatiently. "I think they know." says Tom sheepishly. So Henry is the leader of the Others? Or at least the liaison between the Others and the real people behind it all. But what are the Others doing here? Were they dressed that way to fool the people in the hatches? Henry then looks over at Michael and says, "Let's get down to business." And business on the Lost island is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!! And after he says that they cut to commercial. Goddamn this show. I am having multiple TVgasms and dramatic blue balls all at the same time!

In the hatch Charlie is waking up after the explosion knocked him out. He wanders into the other room and sees Eko unconscious beneath some falling debris. In the computer room Desmond is frantically explaining to Locke that he crashed his plane. The button needs to be pushed. It's all real. Locke still doesn't believe him. When Desmond goes to enter in the buttons himself, Locke grabs the computer and smashes it to the floor. Desmond is panic-stricken. "You've killed us all," he says. "No, I've saved us all." Locke tells him. Desmond then releases the lockdown and runs out to the hall. He starts searching behind the bookcase when he stumbles across his Dickens book. This triggers the final flashback sequence.

Desmond is in the hatch now, alone and despondent. He is holding a gun contemplating suicide and drinking that sweet Dharma vodka. He finally decides to do what he has planned on all his life. He is going to read his final Dickens novel. When he opens the book though, a piece of paper falls out. He opens it to discover that his book is now three years overdue. Just kidding, It is a letter from Penny. It reads:

Dearest Des,
I am writing this letter you as you leave for prison and I've hidden in the one place you would turn to in a moment of great desperation. I know you go away with the weight of what happened on your shoulders. And I know the only person who can ever take it off is you. Please don't give up Des. Because all we really need to survive is a person who truly loves us. And you have her. I will wait for you always.
Love Pen.

So I guess Penny's idea of "forever" is a few years until she decides to marry another dude. Freaking chicks man...

The letter sends Desmond into a rage. He starts to sob and then rips the place apart. When he collapses on the floor he hears a noise. Banging outside at the top of the hatch. When he goes to look up he hears that it is Locke, on the night Boone died. He starts to cry tears of joy that only the sight of a middle-aged bald man can trigger. I suffer the same affliction. To this day I can't watch a movie with Patrick Stewart without breaking into uncontrollable sobbing.

Back in real time, Desmond runs back into the computer room and starts to open up the trap door. He says that the night Locke was banging on the hatch door was the night that Locke saved him from killing himself. Now he has to go blow the dam. As he says this, he disappears down the trap door, and the counter finally reaches zero. The moment us Lost fans have been waiting for all year. Screw American Idol, or who died on The O.C., or any of that nonsense. All we cared about is "What happens if you don't push the button?" Well, now we find out....

Desmond looks back up at Locke for what could be the last time and sways "I'll see you in another life brother." Then the hatch is filled with the same noise we heard before "System failure. System failure." Only this time there is no way to stop it. Everything is shaking. Then the giant magnetic pull starts to fling everything metal across the room. Charlie and Eko dodge out of the way of flying cutlery and pans. Below, Desmond fights his way across debris and sparks to get to the big button. I am jumping up and down in my living room like a giddy schoolgirl. If I had a nickel every time I typed that sentence..

Everything gets worse with the even bigger metal objects flying around the room, the washer dryer, the weights. Thank god no one has a metal plate in his head. Charlie tries to carry Eko out, but Eko just pushes Charlie out the door and tells him to get free. The hatch is his white whale I guess you could say (Dickens and Melville in one recap. If I throw in a Thackeray reference I can get the hat trick).

Eko stumbles back into the computer room where all hell is breaking loose. He looks up on the wall and sees the timer collapse in on itself. Awesome. Locke just looks at him dumbfounded and in the most loaded sentence since Rock Hudson said "Eh, its just a rash," Locke simply says "I was wrong." Down below, amid the chaos, Desmond takes out his key and puts it in the keyhole (tee hee). We hear Penny's voice from the letter telling him that he loves her, and then he turns it.

Everything goes white. We cut right to the ferry where Jack and the rest of them are tied up. A giant piercing groan surrounds the island as everyone grabs their ears and are enveloped in a white light. On the beach, Bernard, Claire and the baby are covering their ears. And then.. its over. Everything goes back to normal. Bernard looks up and sees something flying through the air. It's a piece of metal coming right for him. He jumps out of the way as it crashes to the beach. He looks over and sees that it is the quarantine labeled hatch door. Is the hatch destroyed? We'll find out in six months.

As we are watching everyone on the beach clean up after the incident, Charlie comes out of the woods. Bernard runs up to him and ask him where Locke and Eko are. "they're not back yet?" he asks. Then he looks over and gets a faint smile from Claire. He smiles back. Meanwhile Desmond, Eko, and Locke are screaming for help as the skin burns off their bodies. At least they could be as far as Charlie knows, the little prick.

On the ferry landing, Henry is not happy. He doesn't like the arrangement that was made but admits that with Walt they got "More than they bargained for," meaning Walt's powers. But Henry said Michael lived up to his word, so he will live up to his as well. He tells him to take the boat and follow a compass heading of 3 2 5, and if he does that they will find rescue. "That's it?" Michael says incredulously. Then he asks Henry what if he tells everyone in the outside world about the island. Henry is not concerned. Once Micheal leaves, Henry says, he will never be able to get back here. (What could this mean? Is the island hidden form the world by the electromagnetism?) And besides, Henry adds, if Michael does talk people will find out what he did to get his son back.

Henry then sends Michael to the boat where Walt is inside. Michael finally finds Walt. "Bon voyage," Henry says and turns to walk toward the others. They then untie Hurley and tell him he can go. His job is to tell the other people to never come here. "But what about my friends?" he says. "They are coming with us." Henry says. Hurley looks back one last time at Jack, Sawyer and Kate tied up on the pier. When the Others go to pull them off their knees, Kate and Jack look at each other. What looks like a nod of recognition goes over their faces. What? Is there a plan C? We don't know as the hoods go over their heads.

The next thing we see it's nighttime. Charlie is sitting on the beach with Claire. She asks what happened out there but Charlie just says, "Nothing happened." Then Claire looks at the cuts he got form the big nothing and he smiles. She leans over and kisses him. Awww, this would be a sweet moment if it weren't for the fact that Charlie is a lying scumbag who just left Eko, Locke, and Desmond to their possible deaths. That's it, I am throwing away all my Driveshaft records. We then fade to black. But there is one more tantalizing part of this amazing season finale. The epilogue. I admit I almost missed it since the scene takes place in the arctic and the ABC logo is hidden in all the white. Thank god for TiVo.

Two Brazilian men are in the Arctic (or Antarctica, we don't know) in what looks like a viewing station. One of them looks up from the chess game they are playing and sees that one of their instruments says, "Electromagnetic anomaly detected" on the screen. "How long has it been doing that?" he says. "That's it isn't it! We missed it again!" the other says. "Call her!" the other one frantically screams. He races to the phone and picks it up. We cut to a woman's nightstand, with the picture of Desmond and Penny on it. The phone rings. A woman picks up and the man says "Mrs. Widmore. I think we found it.". The woman is Penny. Cut to black.

So that's it. Is anyone else as jazzed as I am? That was a great season finale. If it wasn't for the fact that we have Big Brother 7 this summer (and Project Runway 3 and Hell's Kitchen 2) I would be one antsy fellow waiting for September to arrive. What happened when Desmond pushed the button? Did it reveal the island to the outside world? Will we get to see Michael next season driving to pick up Walt from soccer practice sticking his head out the car window and screaming "I have to get my son! WALLLLLTTTTT!!!!!!" and killing all who get in his way? What did Kate and Jack look at each other for? Will Claire really sleep with that sleaze Charlie? Well at least we have the Lost webgame and the Lost forums to keep us occupied. It's gonna be a long summer.

Posted by EdHIll at 5:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (77)

The Today Show, 5/31/06, NBC

What better way to bid Katie Couric adieu from The Today Show than with an atonal tune sung by scratchy Broadway sensation Harvey Fierstein? He just wants to sing. Is that so wrong??

Posted by at 4:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)

The MTV Movie Awards are being filmed this weekend in Los Angeles, and our very own Katie and Madeyoulaugh will actually be at the red carpet (!) (J-Unit and I will be live blogging the ceremony when it airs next Thursday night). There should be plenty of excitement there, and as is the case with all awards shows, the celebrities will be receiving extravagant, ridiculous gift bags. MTV kindly sent us a press release about all the goodies, and needless to say, it's all quite insane. I was going to write commentary about each item, but truthfully, there are just too many to deal with. And here's the thing: half of the SWAG is totally dumb. My favorite giveaway comes courtesy of Superman Returns: "Superman Returns will be gifting a deluxe S3 Select Series Sculpt figure of Superman from the new hit film and a choice of the “Superman Returns” Inflato-Suit or the Remote Controlled Flying Superman figure." Oh great. I was just telling my friends about how badly I need a "Superman Returns" Inflato-Suit.

Full list of junk after the jump...

Altec Lansing Inc. will be gifting a choice between two portable speaker systems for iPods: The new inMotion iM9, appropriately recognized as the SUV of portable iPod speakers, thanks to its rugged and durable nature, or the popular, boom-box style inMotion iM7, which comes complete with sound quality that has been known to rival traditional home stereo systems.

Antik Batik will be gifting a special bag designed just for MTV Movie Awards. Entirely designed in Paris, the Antik Batik collection is a mixture between the modern and the ancient world.  Meeting with craftsmen from the whole world, Antik Batik is a colorful universe where basics from diverse world cultures are reinterpreted.

Bath Accessories Company will be gifting a luxurious and fun selection of the finest at-home professional spa products from The Bath Accessories Company and Spa Sister. The talent will have a choice of luxury robes, slippers, sleep masks, Polka Dot Bathing Gloves, Shaggy flip flops, Overnight Softening Gloves and Socks, Polishing Mitts, Sauna Bath Brush, and more.

Beyond Technology will be gifting the complete e-Bright System which includes everything the user needs to dramatically whitening their smile at home in just 3, professional quality treatments.  Beyond Technology Corp., a world leader in professional dental whitening systems used by thousands of dentists around the globe brings its power-whitening technology to home-whitening with the new e-Bright system. Destined to replace traditional home tray-bleaching, the e-Bright system utilizes 18 high intensity LEDs to deliver 480nm wavelength light-accelerated whitening- the same technology used in cosmetic procedures at the dentist office. 

Bogosse, a collection of impeccably tailored and luxuriously elegant men's shirts, will be gifting a gift certificate for one shirt along with a private consult from the designers.

Bozart is gifting specially produced necklaces for the talent of the MTV Movie Awards. 

Centre Epiderme/Dr David Sayah will be gifting a consultation with Beverly Hills plastic and reconstructive surgeon Dr. David Sayah and receive a Restalyne treatment.

Chaya Tequila will be gifting a bottle of Chaya Tequila in a VIP only designer case unavailable to the public.  Recipients will also receive a bottle of each of their other flavors: the young agave filled Chaya Silver, the light fruit of Chaya Reposado, or the refined taste of Chaya.  Chaya tequila is the elegant new award winning spirit in the world of premium tequilas that has the industry raving.

Cheri Mancuso will be gifting a gift certificate for an hour reading, in person or by telephone. Cheri Mancuso has been a medium / psychic in Los Angeles for over 20 years and is known internationally for her exceptional gifts to see the future for celebrities, corporations and finding missing persons as well as working homicides internationally. Cheri has been written up in numerous magazines, been on radio and television with her uncanny predictions for her clients as well as predicting earthquakes, stock market and real estate trends.

Cosabella will be gifting a certificate for a lingerie set from its new Forever collection.  The Italian intimate apparel brand, Forever collection, is designed in lightweight mesh with lace trim.  The set includes a Forever padded soft bra, low-rider thong and low-rider bikini in either basic black or powder blue. 

Curve will be gifting their signature camisole - a perennial favorite for layering with the hottest looks for any season.  Curve is the premiere style destination on Robertson for celebrities and  fashionistas.

Fendi-Marchon Eyewear will be gifting fashionable leather sunwear inspiring the look of luxury and elegance.

Givenchy Timepieces will be gifting a choice of one of their watches. It has been over 20 years since the House of Givenchy launched their first wristwatch collection in 1983.

Hollywood Poker will be gifting the talent a $500 Celeb Club Card to play online along with a gun metal grey USB drive in a velvet pouch.

Jana Feifer will be gifting one of her new handbags from her recent collection.  The bags are handcrafted from supple Italian leather and detailed with beautiful and unique hardware.

Jewel In The Sky-Jewel In The Sky will be gifting their luxurious and exquisitely detailed tops which have just launched worldwide at such luxury stores as Harvey Nicks and Selfridges in London. Jewel features the finest hand-embroidered detailing, multi-jewel appliques and Indian-inspired craftsmanship. These tops are a collaboration between Annarita Celano and Mirabel Edgedale and all proceeds will go to charity in service of humanity-the Jewel within.

Just Cavalli will be gifting a charm bracelet with Sea Shells and Pearls.

Kamhi World will be gifting their 40 Year Old Virgin doll and a gift certificate for talent to redeem more of their fun products based on TV and Movie characters.

La Costa Hotel & Spa will be gifting a two-night stay for two at the all new La Costa Resort and Spa. The getaway includes two nights of suite accommodations, dinner for two in BlueFire Grill and a two-hour Romantic Spa Journey in a private VIP suite at the spa.  The spa journey includes unlimited day use of the spa, a 50-minute La Costa massage for two, a bottle of sparkling wine, chocolate fruit fondue and one hour of additional leisure time in their spa VIP suite.

Lady Dutch will be gifting a sexy top from the Lady Dutch Line and a gift certificate for the talent to choose from both Lady Dutch and Dutch Camp.   Lady Dutch was conceived with the goal of giving the urban diva assertive fashion with an underlying feminine touch. A fashion-forward collection with dynamic graphics and competitive price-point is the force behind Lady Dutch’s success. Lady Dutch has become a legitimate force within the fashion community and a staple within the celebrity world.

License2bling will be gifting 2 license plate frames embedded with Swarovski crystals.

Mae & J will be gifting a special edition of their "Rebel Duffel" - Their stylish weekender, perfect for overnight trips, or to carry everything around town.

Mattel will be gifting a certificate from Mattel, redeemable for their choice of product from Barbie® and Hot Wheels® Collector brands.  Fashionistas will be able to choose from Best Models™ On Location™ doll trio featuring South Beach, Monte Carlo and Milan Barbie® dolls, an Anna Sui Boho Barbie®, Maiko™ Barbie or Barbie® Fashion Model Collection: Stolen Magic™ doll.  Hot Wheels® fans will receive a 1:18 scale Limited Edition Elite™ Ferrari FXX die-cast masterpiece and a choice of either a 1:18 scale ’68 Silver Camaro or a 1:20 scale UAV (Urban Assault Vehicle) from the Drop Stars™ line.

Missoni will be gifting their Missoni Parfum, an irresistible weave of luscious fruits, exuberant florals and tantalizing gianduia chocolate.  Colored by joy, scented by passion, fueled by "amore" it is an expression of the Italian lifestyle.  Captured in an elegantly whimsical cushioned pouch made of the signature Missoni material. 

The Mod Resort will be gifting a gift certificate for a weekend getaway in a Deluxe Studio Mod Suite.  The Mod Resort, a newly renovated hip boutique hotel located in beautiful Palm Desert, Ca., is just steps from El Paseo Dr.

Netflix will gift a 12-month complimentary membership to Netflix and a  portable DVD player to enjoy movies on the go.

One Life will be gifting one of their famous 'suits' to the participants in the MTV Movie Awards. One Life was established in 2002 by Peddy Ebrahim. The form-fitting fashion conscious sportswear label was immediately embraced by celebrities and the media.

Pocket Surfer will be gifting the PocketSurfer, the portable Browser that lets the user get Mobile and Surf the Web. Users will be able to use its online shops, auctions, stock quotes, maps to your next meeting, annual reports, photos from a friend - from a friend's trek overseas to Star Trek, the Web delivers the world instantly - big, vivid, and dynamic-on the PocketSurfer. www.edgetechnow.com.

Rix Chix will be gifting an exclusive dress found only in the celebrity gift bag.  This turquoise knee-length halter dress features an empire waist with an art-nouveau floral print.  Rix Chix focuses on the need and love of making all women feel beautiful in their own skin.  Owner/designer Erika Stanley creates this feminine and funky collection using soft textiles, bright colors, and bold graphics. Rix Chix is comfortable, yet structured enough to be classy, unique, and striking. 

Salinas will be gifting a certificate for two of their hottest bikini swimwear: The Lucy- Bold black and white heart printed Brazilian bikini with playful ruffled bottom and red striped heart pin detail and The Souvenir- Mixed print Brazilian bikini with ruffled black & white stripe triangle top and vintage inspired printed bottom with striped bow. 

Seven for All Mankind will be gifting jeans exclusively made for the occasion by 7 for all Mankind and Great China Wall.  The distressed jeans feature embellishment including washed suede and galvanized studs. 

Sports Club LA will be gifting a six month Bicoastal Membership to the finest sports and fitness complex, The Sports Club/LA. The recipients can enjoy use of The Sports Club/LA in West Los Angeles, The Sports Club/LA in Beverly Hills, The Sports Club/LA-Rockefeller Center) and/or The Sports Club/LA in Orange County.

Surf Diva Surf School will be gifting VIP private surf lesson from their world premier surf school. Whether the talent wants to improve their surf skills or try surfing for the first time, this gift certificate entitles them to a VIP 2 hour private surf lesson at the beautiful La Jolla Shores Beach, one of Southern California’s best surf spots and luxury resort destinations. They will receive a limited edition framed Surf Diva Surf School diploma when they complete their lesson and the opportunity to reward their efforts by indulging in some serious retail therapy at the Surf Diva boutique!
 
Superman Returns will be gifting a deluxe S3 Select Series Sculpt figure of Superman from the new hit film and a choice of the “Superman Returns” Inflato-Suit or the Remote Controlled Flying Superman figure.  Additionally, a $200 donation in the recipient’s name will be made to the Christopher Reeve Foundation and a wearable dog tag and clip with the Foundation’s “Go Forward” motto, emblazoned with the Superman “S” Shield, will be included in the package so the recipient can show their support for the Foundation’s mission of finding treatments and cures for spinal cord injuries.

Swapsets by Steffi Thomas will be gifting a set of this ingenious fashion technology innovation that represents a cool new take on headbands, headphones and headsets.  Colorful, interchangeable, fashion hair bands have unique click-in headphones and headsets for iPods and cell phones.  This stylish, wearable technology also features speakers that rest softly but firmly outside of the ear to help reduce the risk of hearing loss.  Especially popular among multi-taskers, they will not pop out and are completely flexible.  (888) 850-SWAP (7927) / http://www.swapsets.com.

Swarovski will be gifting a limited edition copper color crystal chandelier pendant.

T3 Tourmaline will be gifting the T3 Tourmaline hairdryer:  The "rolex" of hairdryers.  The T3 Tourmaline Evolution is the fastest, lightest and quietest and most ionic full-sized hairdryer in the world. The new technology T3 is 70% faster than traditional models.  It remains the favorite of high-profile beauty editors, music, entertainment, and fashion world stars and insiders.

Tattoo MD will be gifting a $1000 gift certificate that can be used towards laser tattoo removal or any of their other clinic services. The time has come to re-think ink. Dr. Alex Kaplan's TATTOO MD Laser Clinic, located in west Los Angeles, specializes in laser tattoo removal and other cosmetic skin procedures such as laser hair removal, FotoFacials, Botox and Restalyne.  Dr. Kaplan, the "TATTOO MD," recently gained recognition in The Los Angeles Times and The New York Times and has become the leading expert in laser tattoo removal.  For more information, please visit www.TattooMDLA.com.

truth® will be gifting an asphalt gray t-shirt with Whudafxup? - logo stenciled in white and orange.

Vans will be gifting two limited edition versions of their iconic Classic Slip-On, the first is an original black bandana print and the second is a black and white leather checkerboard weave. 

XM2go® Satellite Radio with MP3 will be gifting the Samsung Helix, activation and one year of XM Satellite Radio service.  The Samsung Helix (MSRP: $399.99) is a major breakthrough in consumer electronics, offering live XM reception for portable listening, and it stores MP3s, WMA files, and XM content for playback anywhere, anytime. Plus, Helix has a revolutionary feature that lets the user "bookmark" songs heard on XM for online purchase from the XM + Napster service.

Posted by at 1:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

With a look at NBC’s schedule, my coverage of the 2006-2007 upfronts (the annual presentation of network’s new schedules to media outlets and advertisers) comes to a close.

NBC is in the worst shape of the 5 major networks. It’s coming off yet another disastrous year and they’ve been facing this downward trend ever since the loss of The Jennifer Aniston Show, otherwise known as Friends. After foolishly betting on the charm of Joey to carry the Must See TV torch, NBC settled on the Donald’s hairpiece to keep the network relevant on Thursdays with The Apprentice. Now after that show and the Donald himself have begun to show their age, NBC is betting on a series of new shows and young hits to keep their dreams of world television domination alive in 2006-2007. That’s not to say that last year was a total waste: the game show, Deal or No Deal, hosted by Bobby’s World creator/the world’s most famous OCD patient Howie Mandel, was a surprise hit last season, as was the new comedy My Name is Earl.

NBC also has some of the most talked about shows of the new season, including not one but two about the backstage madness going on at an SNL-style show. One, 30 Rock a half-hour comedy from the mind of Tina Fey, the other an hour-long drama Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, from West Wing creator Aaron Sorkin. This season, NBC said goodbye to two of the network's longest running, most decorated shows, Will & Grace (Most. Depressing Series Finale. Ever.) and The West Wing. Cancelled are the aforementioned Joey (burning off its last few episodes sometime this summer), the Law & Order-spin-off Conviction (Does this mean Stephanie March will head back to SVU? Pretty Please?), E-Ring and reality shows Fear Factor and The Apprentice: Martha Stewart Concentration Camp. NBC was actually the first of the networks to reveal its schedule but held a press conference last week to reveal major updates to its new schedule. The reason? Grey’s Anatomy’s move to Thursdays at 9PM where it was going to compete against/demolish Studio 60, which was in position to reignite Must See TV Thursday. You see, Meredith Grey doesn’t only destroy lives in Seattle Grace; hers is the most deadly plague since the spreading of the McPheever. Also it should be noted that Scrubs HAS been renewed for a full season, but its premiere date has not yet been confirmed. At first it was speculated that it would return midseason, but with the recent shakeups to the schedule, it could return earlier. To find out what other surprises NBC has in store for us, join me after the jump!

Sunday

JOHN MADDEN TRYING TO CALCULATE EXACTLY HOW MUCH MONEY HE HAS. AND HOW MUCH IT WOULD COST TO BUY CO-SPORTSCASTER AL MICHAEL'S IMMORTAL SOUL.

In one of the biggest coups for NBC, this season the NFL returns to the Peacock on Sunday nights for the first time in years. This basically guarantees the faltering network a ratings boost for the first half of the season. AT 7 PM, NBC is boasting the first ever full hour NFL pre-game program, anchored by Al Michaels and John Madden, who despite popular belief, isn’t just a guy whose name is on a videogame. At 8 PM the football game coverage will begin.

After the football season ends, NBC will have a little post-partem depression but hopes to rebound quickly with the return of the Simon Cowell produced reality competition, America’s Got Talent. The show actually premieres over the summer; so I suppose if it’s not a ratings winner, NBC will be looking for another show to fill this slot. America’s Got Talent is kind of a Star Search/American Idol hybrid, except instead of singers singing their hearts out, they’ll be contortionists, contorting their hearts out and fire-eaters fire eating their hearts out. Why not just call it America’s Next Carnival Sideshow? The big shock here is that the host of America’s Got Talent will be… REGIS PHILBIN! Yes, the Reege! This may not seem like a huge controversy, but as you may have noted, America’s Got Talent is not being aired on ABC where the Reege has set up shop for years and years. How will this effect his morning show? How about those Who Wants to Be a Millionaire specials? Most importantly, what of Kelly Ripa!?!? Also premiering in January will be Raines, starring Jeff Goldblum as a detective who gets confessions out of criminals by stammering and rubbing his forehead until they get so annoyed by his tics and mannerisms they crack.

Monday

JUST LET ME GET THIS OUT OF THE WAY: COULD I BE ANY MORE EXCITED ABOUT THIS SHOW?

At 8PM, Deal or No Deal is going to lead off the evening, and I’ll probably start watching because I think Howie Mandell is about one handshake away from a full-on nervous breakdown. At 9PM is the premiere of the new show Heroes, which depending on who you listen to is the best new show of the year or the first potential bomb of the season. Personally, this is one of the new shows that I am most looking forward to. The show centers on a group of strangers who suddenly discover they have superpowers. Supposedly, this is played more for drama than a Smallville-like actioner, which is fine with me. I like to think that it’s not the big comic book nerd in me that’s excited about Heroes but rather the enlightened television connoisseur.

On that note let’s take a look at the stellar cast: Alias/Lost monster food Greg Grunberg takes the lead, along with Final Destination star Ali Larter, finally realizing that Final Destination is as good as its gonna get for her on the big screen, and Gilmore Girls’ Milo Ventimiglia (who also, for some reason, will be starring in the new Rocky film Rocky 26: Rocky Takes Manhattan). Rounding out the cast is Hayden Panettiere (Malcolm in the Middle), Adrian Pasdar (RIP – Profit) and Leonard Roberts (Buffy, the Vampire Slayer season 3 recurring guest star alert!). I won’t reveal the powers of each of the characters, but they range from flight to indestructibility to telepathy to inability to get a date for being such a massive dork. In a decision that bodes very well for Heroes, NBC recently blinked and moved Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip from Thursdays at 9 PM (where it would go up against Grey’s Anatomy, CSI and The O.C.) to Mondays at 10 PM. There, Studio 60’s only real competition will be CSI: Miami, and hopefully the night will be big enough for both Studio 60 and David Caruso’s hair. Studio 60’s only concern is too much buzz. The hour-long drama about the goings-on behind the scenes at an SNL-type series has been so hyped at this point there is nothing that could satisfy people. As a matter of fact, the very entertaining clip shown at the upfronts was strangely met with mixed reactions. See it for yourself here. I think that perhaps people thought the combination of Aaron Sorkin producing, Matthew Perry, Amanda Peet and Bradley Whitford starring, and a plum-NBC timeslot was going to instantly be the second coming of Jerry Seinfeld. Instead, what you have here is a very smart, very funny, very promising clip that shows how un-Chandler Matthew Perry will be and how un-annoying Amanda Peet will be. Monday night, for the first time in a long time, is now relevant to me beyond Jack Bauer.

Tuesday

The only other show to get nearly as much buzz as Studio 60 at the upfronts was Friday Night Lights, a small-screen adaptation of the 2004 Billy Bob Thornton film (which in turn was a big screen adaptation of the H.G. Bissinger book). Networks have had a great deal of trouble adapting films into television series (see Parenthood, My Big Fat Greek Crapfest, etc.), but seeing how this was a great film that wasn’t hugely successful, and its theme (High School + Small town X great expectations = good drama) is a pretty appealing one, NBC seems to be riding high while squashing the notion that this is strictly a show about football (it’s about LIFE). Kyle Chandler takes over the Billy Bob Thornton role as the coach with Connie Brittion co-starring. I say, yes please. Following Friday Night Lights will be a double dose of Law & Order. In a post-upfronts scheduling change that pissed off über-producer Dick Wolf, Law & Order: Criminal Intent will be moved to 9PM and Law & Order: Special Victims Unit will stay put at 10PM. Whether or not Criminal Intent will keep it’s half- Vincent D’Onfrio-scene-chewing and half Chris Noth-mugging structure remains to be seen, but it seems likely. While the beloved Mariska Hargitay is on maternity leave over on SVU, stalling a Stabler-Benson make-out session even further, Gladiator temptress Connie Nielson joins the cast as Elliot Stabler’s new partner for a handful of episodes.

Wednesday

DEAR GOD, THANK YOU FOR GIVING US HEALTH, LOVE AND DEBBIE DOWNER

At 8PM NBC will launch two comedies, both of which have great potential. First is 20 Good Years, starring John Lithgow and Jeffrey Tambor (welcome home, Papa Bluth!) as two sixtysomethings who decide to make the best of the life they have left. Sounds like a big, broad comedy that you can gauge your enjoyment level based on your feelings towards the two leads. I am predicting that it won’t be nearly as clever as Arrested Development, but not as slapstick happy as Third Rock from the Sun. Props to NBC for programming for my grandmother, however.

At 8:30 PM will be the premiere of 30 Rock, the SNL-satire from Tina Fey, who will be forsaking her head writer duties on the real Saturday Night Live, but not her Weekend Update co-anchor spot, to write, executive produce and star in 30 Rock. I’m assuming that even if the show doesn’t achieve the brilliance that it is capable of, the worst episode of 30 Rock will be better than the best episode of many other sitcoms on television. I say this based on nothing but the fact that Weekend Update is constantly the funniest part of SNL, and that Mean Girls was one of the most surprisingly funny movies I’ve seen in the past few years (don’t deny it, you get passed the Lindsay Lohan, and there’s a quality movie there). With Tina Fey headlining, Alec Baldwin as a new Network president, and SNL-alums Rachel Dratch and Tracy Morgan rounding out the cast, this show has a lot more to live up to in my mind than Studio 60. This fresh comedy block doesn’t seem like an ideal pairing with a fresh cycle of The Biggest Loser, a show I like to watch because it makes me feel pretty good about my life. As I shovel nachos into my mouth, I can at least say to myself, well, you’re not fat enough to be on The Biggest Loser. At 10 PM will be the premiere of the new show Kidnapped, which sounds like it may be a frontrunner for first casualty of FALL 2006 if it doesn’t deliver solidly on its been-there-done-that premise: A wealthy family’s teenage son is kidnapped, and it’s up to the psycho brother from Six Feet Under (Jeremy Sisto) to get him back. The show has an impressive pedigree – Dana Delaney, Timothy Hutton and Delroy Lindo co-star and David Greenwalt (Angel) is one of the shows producers – but is anyone clamoring for another serialized thriller? However, this does look more appealing than the Da Vinci Code knock off, Vanished, premiering this fall on FOX. I’ll be the first to eat my words if the show is more of a Prison Break than a Reunion.

Thursday

“I JUST NEEDED YOU TO KNOW… ONCE”

Oh Must-See-TV, how far you’ve fallen! With the sad state of Thursday night on NBC, it’s hard to remember that Thursday night on NBC was a fixture from before those coffee-loving genetic freaks hung out here through most of the '90s. Thursdays on NBC is where The Cosby Show, Cheers, Seinfeld, etc. all set up shop from the early '80s on. So it’s no wonder that NBC is trying desperately to keep the tailspin that Joey Tribbinani caused under control (even sadder, the thought that poor, sweet, trashy Adrianna had to get whacked on The Sopranos so Drea De Matto and her body of steel could head on over to LA with her brother Joey). The original plan was to start the evening off with their two biggest comedy hits (and arguably, the two best comedies on television), My Name Is Earl and The Office, followed by the hyped-to-the-hilt Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, and finishing off the night with old standby ER. It sounded like the return of Must-See-TV to everyone! Including ABC, who decided to transplant the horny interns of Grey’s Anatomy to Thursdays at 9PM (did you hear about that one yet?), all but guaranteeing that Studio 60 would be crushed under the weight of McDreamy’s hair product. So NBC blinked. They are keeping My Name Is Earl at 8 PM and The Office at 8:30 PM, and it has to be said: The Office is my favorite comedy on television. The season finale was, in a word, genius. If you are not watching because you’re a fan of the original British version or because you don’t think you can click with the funky rhythms of the show, please give it a shot (either on iTunes or reruns or on DVD). You will not be sorry. Jim and Pam forever! Everyone else never! Also, let’s give some love to My Name is Earl, which is a solidly funny and quirky show, thanks in no small part to a crackerjack ensemble, especially Jamie “Who Knew You Were Anything But a Hot Piece of Ass” Pressley, giving a comic tour de force. Seriously, watch this hour of comedy next season.

At 9PM NBC will air another hour of Deal or No Deal, and while it’s not the sexiest scheduling choice, it’ll be a solid ratings winner in a tough time slot. At 10 PM someone will surely care that ER is back for its umpteenth season. It’s just not me. At midseason, NBC will premiere The Black Donnellys, a drama about four young working class Irish brothers getting into trouble in New York City. The show is getting great buzz and comes from Paul Haggis, director of the Academy Award winning Crash, a great movie (although I felt its message was a little heavy handed at times). This leaves me excited for Donnellys, and its solid young cast including Jonathan Tucker (one of Leatherface’s more unfortunate victims in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake), Thomas Guiry and everyone’s favorite lesbian teen fling, The O.C.’s Olivia Wilde. I think the plan is to move Donnellys to another night after premiering it Thursdays at 10PM for a few weeks during an ER hiatus.

Friday

After the Greys-gate of ’06, NBC decided to take Crossing Jordan off the mid-season sidelines and bring it back Fridays at 8 PM, effectively placing Medium (and its declining ratings) in mid-season limbo. At 9PM, Las Vegas will continue its fun-run as television’s best guilty pleasure show. I have to admit, however, as much as I love beautiful people being beautiful in Las Vegas, this show failed to live up to its promise earlier in the season by killing off Lara Flynn Boyle in the lamest way possible. Yeah it was funny, but come on, sending her literally, FLYING OFF THE ROOF by a gust of wind? Believe me, much funnier in theory than it was in practice. 10 PM is the new home for the original Law & Order after a season finale full of, umm, cast changes. Expect a lot of new faces next season to put some new life in the fading workhorse.

Saturday

NBC isn’t even pretending to schedule programming; so it will drop in a Dateline airing followed by Drama Series reruns.

So that’s all she wrote. I’m pretty psyched about a lot of NBC’s lineup, which is quite unusual. Heroes, Studio 60, 30 Rock and Friday Night Lights are about one good commercial away from season passes on my DVR. What are you looking forward to?

And that concludes my coverage of the upfronts in New York. Hope you enjoyed it! And just a sidenote: don’t get too attached to any of these timeslots and series. Shows have a tendency of getting moved around or disappearing during the long summer months. See you on the flip!

Posted by at 12:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

When it comes to Food Network cholesterol maven Paula Deen, sg-dub is usually the man who captures all her excess. However, I happened to catch her gushing over some barbecue, and I knew I had to share her joy with all y'all. Check out the pics of Paula's orgasmic moment after the jump...

"Hey y'all. Welcome to Texas! Today we're going to make deep-fried butter cutlets with a side of--"

"Wait! I smell barbecue!"

"Hey hey hey, BBQ. Whatchu up to?"

"Momma's ready to eat you up!"

The resident cowboy slices some brisket for Paula. If there's any doubt about her orgasmic glee, listen to this audio clip.

Time for Paula to sneak a piece...

"I'm gonna eat this up, y'all."

"Mmmmm..."

"Holy Jebus."

"It's like a million sticks of butter all at once, y'all."

"Makes me remember the first time I tasted lard à la mode."

"You don't know what you've done, Tom. You've unleashed the beast."

"Is somebody playin' Barry White? Or is that just in my head?"

"Does this turn you on?"

"I think I love you, cowboy."

"Come here, Tom."

"Don't resist, y'all."

"Taste the Deen."

PASSION!

Uncomfortable PASSION!

"Never forget me, Tom."

Posted by at 11:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (28)

Back in late February, Last Comic Standing held auditions here in Los Angeles, and being the whore I am for any sort of reality event, I gladly trekked on down to the Hollywood Improv to take a gander at the activities. No, I did not audition. Truth was that our old friend Kevan from Amish in the City (a.k.a. the one normal city guy) actually has a standup career going on now, and he invited us to come down and hang with him in line. Sounded like fun. Little did I know an Ice Age would happen to hit Los Angeles that night. Needless to say, it was cold (for L.A. standards, which meant the temperature was hovering near fifty degrees), but weather be damned. There were all sorts of bizarre characters out. Unfortunately, I wasn't quite as proficient with my camera as usual, and so my photos are few and far between. But I'll share what I did get.

These guys here were the typical auditioning lot. I think they had driven up from San Diego to tryout. They were one of a few hundred who were camping out that night. I don't remember them being particularly funny. And let me tell you something: there's nothing quite as depressing as standing amongst hundreds of people who think they're the world's greatest comedians. You know when you have a friend who's always "on"? Yeah, multiply that by about three hundred. The mass undercurrents of bitter self-loathing were a joy.

There were some amusing people there though. I remember one guy who was a midget in a wheel chair. He had muscular dystrophy, I think, and he was hilarious. Okay, that sounded wrong. He wasn't hilarious because of his handicap. He was hilarious because he was saying hilarious things. I wish I could remember his name, but the whole "I waited three months to post this" really screwed that up.

OH! And there was this total asshole guy named Chris, I believe. I should have taken a picture of him. He was so bitter and unfunny, but you could tell he thought he was being witty and sardonic. Everyone in the line hated him.

This is Kevan sleeping. Not much to say about that. In case you're wondering, I was not hardcore. I did not spend the night on the streets too. Why? Because I wasn't auditioning. I got to spend my night in my bed. My warm, cozy, not-on-the-sidewalk bed. Ah, the fringe benefits of being a hanger-on.

The next morning, everyone was spry and chipper. I went back to the line, which had grown significantly. Season one contestant Jay London was hanging around, and he gave Kevan some tips about auditioning and doing standup in general. It was swell. Of course, I took a picture of both of them. Two reality stars in one place is always grounds for taking out my camera.

The highlight of my morning. As I was walking around the line, I suddenly spotted my favorite woman from Flavor of Love: Goldie! I literally yelled out to her, "Goldie!" (I don't know what possessed me) and from that point on, there was some solid banter for five minutes. She told me her real name, which I have since forgotten (Amber or something like that) and said that she'd been doing standup since the show. Of course, this is old news now because she announced this on the Flavor of Love reunion. I tried to get her to beat-box like she did drunkenly on that first episode, but she politely declined. I was shocked that no one around her even knew who she was. Then again, they may have been distracted by the crazy-ass dominatrix comedienne brandishing a whip just a few feet away. Again, my camera skills were subpar that day.

Finally, at around 10 AM, the auditions began. I was allowed to tag along with Kevan into the Improv. And to prove it, I even took this dorky photo (trust me, the blur was highly welcomed on my part). Anyway, that woman next to Kevin in the leopard print coat -- she's a tranny. She wouldn't talk to anyone all night, and then she stepped into the audition room and was all "I'M A TRANNY!" It was amusing. Alas, she didn't make the cut. And neither did Kevan, sadly. Oh well. It was still a fun time -- at least for me. But that's because I didn't sleep on the sidewalk.

Posted by at 10:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (21)

Now that the summer months are upon us and the networks are about to fill us with reruns and crappy series that won't get picked up for the fall, it's time to narrow down your priorities. Do you spend a little time in the yard? Perhaps join the family on a vacation? Maybe pick up a good book or two and reacquaint yourself with your brain? Those are all good choices, but if you cared about any of them, you wouldn't be visiting TVgasm. We're here to talk about what we like to talk about the most - trashy TV. My friends, there is nothing more trashy than taking 24 Bunim-Murray projects, sending them to Australia, and watching as they tear each other apart for money. Yes folks, it's the Real World/ Road Rules Challenge: Fresh Meat, and if the first episode is any indication, it's going to leave us very satisfied this summer.

I have to be honest. A lot of people, myself included, originally thought that this was a desperate grab to inject some life into this series. I'm not sure if the people who thought up of this idea were desperate or not, but I hope to one day thank them because the premise looks to be a winner. Take twelve Bunim-Murray characters who think they are the greatest things in the world because they've thrown up or had sex on camera and pair them with twelve new cast members desperate to become famous for throwing up or having sex on camera. Have them fight over some money ($250,000 for the winning team - the most in challenge history), and that's really all you need.

As we started out, our favorite mop-haired meathead Theo immediately disparages the new contestants, complaining that these people are invading his workplace. After all, he wouldn't try to go to their job and try to out-latte them! Oh snap! You, GO girlfriend. That was so funny and you delivered the line so naturally, I had NO idea whatsoever that somebody else wrote that line for you and had you film that segment after the fact.

But as much fun as it is to make fun of the "Alumni", as they are called on the show, it is the fresh meat where we have our real fun. First of all, we get Evan, who immediately evokes memories of The Miz. As an added bonus, he's Canadian. He states that he's young and stupid and very good at making