Thanks to an alert reader from JP Morgan, we've learned that two of 8th and Ocean's least-popular models not named Kelly or Sabrina managed to land themselves gigs as "New Faces" in the Abercrombie and Fitch catalog. That means after just one season on a mid-rated MTV show they're now just a half-step away from soft-porn. Yay MTV!

Pics after the jump...

What kind of animal would Sean be? "A white tiger, because it's exotic and hard to find." Yeah, unless you happen to live near a zoo. (Looking for more Seansense? Click here.)
If Heidi were to nickname her bad self, it would be "Heidi Ho." It's funny 'cuz it's true. (For more random acts of Heidi, click here.)

Posted by at 9:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Chandelier 1, Hasselhoff 0.
In perhaps the most bizarre injury from England since Lindsay Lohan cut herself on a broken teacup in Brian Adams' home, David Hasselhoff has undergone emergency surgery today after a mishap in a London gym bathroom resulted in him severing a tendon in his arm. I know it all sounds very homoerotic in an Al Reynolds sort of way, but apparently this injury was not due to any man-on-man action. Instead, it was the result of an unfortunate chandelier incident. An AP article states, "The 53-year-old actor, who played lifeguard Mitch Buchannon on the TV beach drama for 11 years, was shaving at a gym in the Sanderson Hotel on Thursday when he hit his head on a chandelier, showering his arm with broken glass, his publicist, Judy Katz, said."

This of course begs many questions: why was there a giant, dangerous chandelier over the sink? And how did The Hoff manage to hit it with his head? Was he shaving with a ladder? And if he were to hit the chandelier, wouldn't he have had to hit it quite hard to cause a virtual downpour of glass shards? What was he doing whilst shaving that caused such an aggressive reaction from the chandelier? Perhaps he was mimicking one of David Beckham's best headers. Or maybe he was reenacting the excitement he displayed upon seeing a 60-year-old stripper on America's Got Talent. Or maybe he was just acting like an idiot.

Either way, we wish him a speedy recovery and hope this shaving/chandelier/possibly-gay-bathhouse injury won't impede his ability to buzz people off the stage with Brandy and Piers. Read the full article here.

Posted by at 5:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

America's Got Talent, 6/28/06, NBC

When you watch this clip, imagine Whitney Houston's "One Moment In Time" playing in the background. It makes it that much better.

Posted by at 1:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (18)

You have a better chance of getting struck by lighting than you do winning B-BAS!

TinkerbelleAPixie, congratulations on your two-peat victory in the BBAS countdown.

Hopefully this season the Chenbot has been repaired since last season, but as B-BAS is shot in the valley during the california summer heat, even the chenbot may fall to roaming blackouts.

To those of you who have submitted entries and have not been picked, u can still send in more! Even if you have won already and want a whole Chenspired wardrobe, continue to send in entries. We have had some AMAZING entries from some of our creative readers. But we are still looking for numbers to help us with our countdown; if you see it, make it and shoot it, simply send us the photo or video to madeyoulaugh@tvgasm.com, and you are automatically entered to win a Chenbot item from the TVgasm store. Multiple entries accepted!

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 10:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

There is less than a week left before the premiere of Big Brother 7. TVgasm will be doing a Live Blog of the first episode, and anybody familiar with the site will tell you that we cover Big Brother like nobody else in the world. As much as we like Big Brother, many people can tell you that the show is too often pre-empted for other programming during the course of it's run, and while Tivos have have helped, it's not always foolproof. Luckily, CBS has announced that they are making the entire season of Big Brother All Stars available via their online Innertube service. This means that you can watch any episode the day after it airs until the end of the summer. Combing this with the live feeds should make this one of the most unproductive summers in television history.

Posted by at 9:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Oh, how I love the results show of So You Think You Can Dance. We get to cut down this ridiculous, bloated cast, moving us ever closer to our noble goal of ... um, finding somebody a job backup dancing for Celine Dion. We get to watch the soloists twist in the wind, frequently in atrocious clothing, with no one to stand in front of them and hide their shame. Nigel stops trying to suppress his rage, with results that are often quite delicious. Best of all, the results show is only one hour long. One sweet, crisp, concise little hour. On Thursdays, the television gods are kind.

The opening number makes me grin, as the girls all come out in matching red tracksuits and the boys in black ones. They dance to "Poison" by Bell Biv DeVoe, once again confirming that this show's aesthetic sensibility is firmly planted in 1991, which is what makes it so much fun to watch.

Cat ruins my fun by wearing a simple, unobjectionable black dress with a white bodice. Apparently, no one liked my idea about the panda suit, or maybe this is just a very subtle homage. Her hair is a little overly formal; she kind of looks like she's going to prom.

And your 2006 prom queen is....

I settle in for several eons of boredom waiting for the important part of the show to start. Sure enough, we start with a recap of last night, which, as usual, includes just enough new footage to prevent me from actually fast-forwarding through it. The show bashes us over the head with the theme of "Natalie and Musa are really a couple," with Cat voicing over that some couples "seemed like they've been together forever" over some pretty non-revealing footage of Musa offering Natalie a glass of water. Wow, racy. If that's the best they could do for couple-y footage, maybe these two are actually not together after all.

Can't you just feel the heat rising off of your screen?

In the flashbacks, Aleks claims to be excited before her dance, but as usual she appears to have an iron pole rammed up her spine. We see more evidence that Dmitry backs Aleks in a way he never did with Joy, as he defends her performance backstage after the judging. Natalie crosses herself before the quick step. Hee.

We get a repeat of Nigel drooling all over himself as he waxes poetic to Ryan about "the way you beat her bongos! God!" Heidi quietly takes out a restraining order. Allison and Ivan are adorably exuberant backstage after getting big, wet, sloppy kisses from the judges. Figurative ones, that is. Had to clarify that, because you never know with this show.

We go to commercial without a single thing having happened, and when we come back, the judges talk about how great everyone was last night. Mary singles out Ivan, comparing him to Seabiscuit. Nigel tells us that Ivan got a congratulatory phone call from his dad at six this morning, and he forces Ivan to elaborate. Ivan tells us that his dad was "kind of like whatever" about his dance career up until last night, but now he's much more supportive.

There is a cute story about Ivan's dad's co-workers sitting him down at work and making him watch the whole show with them. I don't know where Ivan's dad works, but I like that visual. I think I like it best if he's, say, a mechanic or a welder. Then everybody at Ivan's dad's work could get inspired by the show and spontaneously break into a choreographed dance routine, and it would be just like Flashdance, or that Simpsons episode with the gay steel mill. Oops, I didn't mean to suggest that Ivan's dad works in a gay steel mill. Where am I? I think I forgot to take my medication.

Nigel says that hearing about Ivan's dad's new-found supportiveness is what "makes this program worthwhile" for Nigel. Yes, because this show is really all about bringing families together. Finally, Nigel's true agenda is revealed. Next thing you know he'll be adopting Cambodian orphans left and right. If you, as a viewer, have been feeling guilty about wasting three hours a week watching this show, this should set your mind at ease: It's actually public-service programming.

I bet Nigel was hoping Ivan would cry when he told this story. But he didn't.

Finally we get to the initial lineup. We start with the two couples that did the amazing Latin dances; that choreographer should be so proud of himself. Allison and Ivan are safe. Heidi and Ryan are safe. That's cool, because both of these couples have been in the bottom three before, so at least some of the voting is based on the dancing and not on popularity. There's a funny moment where Ryan gets caught on Heidi's mike or her dress or something, and they have to run off of center stage literally tethered together.

When this show pairs you up with someone, you better not try to get away.

In keeping with the generally retro feel of the show (and the fact that she looks like '80s sitcom actress Kimberly Russell), Ashlee is wearing her Debbie Gibson hat. Ashlee and Ben are NOT safe - they have to go stand "in the danger zone." Martha and Travis are safe, despite the fact that all the judges seemed to feel they had one of the weakest routines of the night.

Jessicker and James "Jaymz" Tuaileva are in the bottom three. Yay! Donyelle and Benji are safe, just like you knew they would be. The last two couples up are Natalie/Musa and Dmitry/Aleks. I think I know where this is headed. Musa is wearing a ridiculous red, yellow, and green ensemble. It looks more clown-like than ethnically inspired. Unsurprisingly, Natalie and Musa are safe, while Dmitry and Aleks are in the bottom three, again.

Musa musta gotten dressed in the dark.

Nigel says he thinks America got it right. Mary is surprised that Jessica and James "Jaymz" Tuaileva are in the bottom three; she thinks Musa should have been there instead. Olisa just says that "America voted, so it is what it is." Ah, America. With one hand ye giveth and with the other ye taketh away. Verily, we should not question you in your infinite wisdom.

Ashlee is the first to "dance for [her] life." She is wearing what I would call an unfortunate ensemble, with the aforementioned Debbie Gibson hat, long black pinstriped sparkly suit pants, and a long black pinstriped sparkly blazer. She loses the blazer partway through, but it's only a one-minute routine, so I would have preferred that she ditch it sooner. Her dance is very Moonwalk-era MJ. I really like it; I hope she stays.

Ashlee is awesome in her interview, blaming her presence in the bottom three on her lack of formal technique instead of on the obvious truth that her partner was a liability in a hip-hop routine. She displays huge confidence in the dance she just did, saying, "This is how you pop. This is how you do it."

Ben does a contemporary dance. It's to a Lifehouse song - yuck. The dance is 99 percent composed of spins. The spins are very good, but man cannot live on spins alone, Ben. Goodness, this recap is really racking up the Biblical allusions. I think it would be okay if Ben went home. He's completely tongue-tied in his interview.

This about sums it up.

Jessica is better than I thought she would be, dancing a fairly acrobatic routine to the Michael Bublé version of "Fever." I don't love it - sometimes it strikes me as more of a gymnastics floor exercise routine than a dance - but it's definitely okay. In her interview, she seems to be addressing allegations that she lacks personality. She rebuts these by announcing that she is from Miami, is Cuban-Italian, and is loud. Yes, but Jessica. If you have to announce that you have a lot of personality, then that kind of means you don't. I'm just saying - this seems like a no-brainer, when it comes to actions speaking louder than words.

Opening my mouth and holding up my fist is a personality, right?

Is Cat Deeley really only 5'9"? I remember somebody posted that in the comments. If that's true, it's astonishing, because Jessica only comes partway up her shoulder. I know dancers are usually small, but are they really THAT short?

James "Jaymz" Tuaileva performs after the commercial. His performance is very similar to Ben's. He dances to Yellowcard, instead of Lifehouse. Is there a difference? James "Jaymz" Tuaileva also relies heavily on spins, but he mixes it up more; there's even a part where he rolls around on the floor. It's hard for me to say which of the two was better - Ben's spins were a little faster and better, but James "Jaymz" Tuaileva definitely showed more variety. Still, I'm pretty sure you know which one of them I'm hoping to send packing.

James "Jaymz" Tuaileva has a seizure.

Oh, Aleks. Right off the bat you can see that she's stepped up her game this week by choosing not to dress like a panhandler. Other than that, though, there are a few too many things that remind me of last week's trainwreck. The music is sad and moody again; she's dressed in black again; her routine once again seems slightly tormented, although she does do some jumps and stuff that lighten it up. She smiles more this time, but her whole mood as a dancer is just so clinically depressed. She should have those fake tears tattooed on her face, with heavy black eyeliner. She's just a downer, not fun.

Aleks interviews that she knows she messed up last week, and she hopes the judges will continue to keep her around. She actually half convinces me that she wants to stay on this show. It's funny - I get very mixed signals from her on that. By the way, she has some kind of tinfoil-looking stuff in her hair. I'm confused - she's really beautiful, yet she consistently does her best to look as disheveled as possible.

Is this what Aleks uses to pick up radio programming in her home under the park bench?

Dmitry crushes my hopes and dreams when he comes out NOT wearing a dress. Come on, don't you think it would be cool if that became his thing? A different dress every week? I mean, the judges loved it, so why not? Anyway, he strolls out in black pants and an unbuttoned shirt, and he does a Latin thing with crazy footwork and pelvic thrusts, and even some moves that are break-dance inspired - wow, this is great. No way did he improvise that.

As soon as I see Dmitry's dance, it hits me that it is not at all smart to improvise these dances for one's life. It seems that some of the dancers do improvise and others don't, but why wouldn't you have something planned, just in case? If your competition really puts on a show like Dmitry just did, and you just come out and spin, you're going to be at a huge disadvantage. When you're improvising, the impulse is always going to be to fall back on your strengths and not necessarily showcase variety. Just my 2 cents as an extreme NON-dancer. (The one thing I don't get is that Heidi said she improvised last week, and she was amazing. But I'm still not altering my theory.)

Cat baits Dmitry by asking him whether he thinks he keeps ending up in the bottom three because he has crappy partners. Dmitry is classy in response, saying that you dance as a couple, and you rise or fall together, and it's never one person's fault, and all that jazz. Of course, since he's a competitive ballroom dancer, he's presumably had this concept drilled into his brain from a very early age, so I have no doubt he actually believes it. But it's still noticeable how much cooler he is with Aleks than he was with Joy. I wonder what the story is there. Joy seemed nice enough when she and Dmitry weren't bickering. Who knows.

While the judges are deliberating, Natasha Bedingfield performs, and she is ... not wearing shorts! I feel like I have achieved a moral victory. She has positioned herself slightly farther along the shorts-pants continuum by wearing capris, which look good on her. She doesn't lip-sync, and she's pretty good. It's that song about being single. She manages to get through the whole thing without doing anything to bug me. That is no fun because there's really nothing to recap. After, it's funny to hear Cat talking to someone who also has an English accent.

Next time you're here we'll have some crisps and a nice cuppa.

Nigel says that the judges are unanimous about which girl to send home, implying that they're split on the boys. He calls Ashlee forward first, meaning she is totally safe. He says the judges feel she is a different person when she's wearing her bowler hat. The Debbie Gibson hat is magical, y'all! It gives Ashlee her mojo. Nigel says all the judges feel that Ashlee is growing every week, and so they want to keep her around. I approve.

I just can't shake your love.

They call Jessica up next and there is a weird moment when Ben tries to step up too and then has to apologize. Nigel tells Jessica that she's kind of middle-of-the-road, and he agrees with me that you can't just, like, explain to everyone that you have a personality. Then he calls up Aleks and I put on my fireproof suit. But wait, what's this? Nigel is apologizing to Aleks! He says that when he watched the show back last night, he decided that he had crossed the line with his comments. He means the Corpse Bride thing, and it is true that he was far harder on her than the other judges were.

Nigel says that Aleks gave up with her solo last week, but this week she did much better. He praises her for putting effort into that, and he tells her that very shortly, somebody else is going to be cut for doing a bad solo. Ah, what a tasty bit of foreshadowing - at this point, I think he probably means Ben, but I'm still holding out hope that he means James "Jaymz" Tuaileva.

Nigel continues, explaining that Aleks, by contrast, is not being cut for her solo, but for her entire body of work. Oh, SNAP. That was a great speech by Nigel; it had all kinds of crazy twists and turns. Aleks appears resigned. Yeah, it was time. Even in her goodbye montage, you can see that she never seems totally happy - always kind of reserved. Aw. Good luck, Aleks; I hope you find something to perk you up. You didn't really want to work for Celine Dion anyway, did you?

After the commercials, Nigel calls Dmitry forward and points out what we were all thinking, which is that Dmitry has just lost another partner. Nigel says he worries about this, but he doesn't explain why. I guess he means that Dmitry faces an extra challenge in adjusting to yet another new partner, but I'm sure that from Dmitry's perspective, the possibility that he may end up with a partner who doesn't suck makes it well worth the effort of switching. Obviously, Dmitry isn't going home. I secretly hope he'll get another crappy partner so that he can keep coming back to the bottom three and we can all keep watching his solos. That's one thing about this show that bums me out - we never get to see solos by most of the best dancers, just by the ones who end up at the bottom.

Then Nigel pulls a new trick, calling Ashlee up to make her talk about Ben. Nigel is in a really reflective mood when it comes to his critiques from last night; he reminds us that he said Ben wasn't street enough. Actually, he said something lame about how the only street Ben was from was Rodeo Drive, but he has enough sense not to repeat that part now. Ashlee handles it great just like you knew she would, saying that Ben did a great job last night and he's a great partner.

Now we get a moment that's actually kind of uncomfortable, as Nigel asks Ben how much work he put into his solo tonight. Ben unfortunately says, "Um, well, zero," and even more unfortunately emphasizes this by making a zero with his hand. Then he starts trying to qualify it by saying something else, but Nigel cuts him off and says that's all he wanted to hear.

Ruh-roh.

The audience laughs, and Nigel is really angry; he smacks down the audience for thinking it's funny that Ben put "zero effort into fighting for his life.... If you were asked to fight for your life, would you put zero work into it?" Huh. It seems like maybe nobody ever explained to Nigel that the phrase "fight for your life" is, sadly, not meant literally in the context of this show. He's incensed to a degree that suggests he thinks Ben is actually going to the lions the moment we go off-air.

Nigel will cut you.

James "Jaymz" Tuaileva is called up and asked the same question, with Nigel laying it out at the start by saying he didn't think his solo was very good. James "Jaymz" Tuaileva replies that he did prepare something, but his nerves got the best of him, and he himself feels that he was awful. He wins a few points with me for his honesty here. Ben, on the other hand, has been acting all hour as though he doesn't take the whole thing seriously. I realize this is just nerves manifesting in a different way, but it makes Ben look bad.

Nigel rants and raves about how if any of the dancers think they're safe for next week, they're not, and anyone who thinks he or she can just turn up at the last minute and choreograph something is an idiot. Word. Nigel says he is ashamed of both boys, and that if Ben thinks that "seven pirouettes going into [something]" is going to keep him in the competition, he's wrong, and what James "Jaymz" Tuaileva did wasn't good enough either.

Nigel says that his colleagues have decided that overall, James "Jaymz" Tuaileva has more growth potential than Ben does, and so Ben is going home. Oh, no. I can't possibly keep typing James "Jaymz" Tuaileva for another week, so I am going to have to rechristen this guy yet again. And right then, my FauxVo cuts out. I scheduled it for an extra minute past the hour, but apparently that wasn't good enough. Damn you, Fox! This is really depressing, because Nigel was on a roll, and God knows what else he said. I do hope somebody who saw it will enlighten us in the comments.

The last thing I heard Nigel say struck me as kind of odd, because earlier he implied that the judges were split on which guy to send home, and now he's saying that his "colleagues" want to keep James "Jaymz" Tuaileva. So that means that Nigel himself wanted to keep Ben? That's surprising, given the way he just savaged him, but Nigel has certainly shown himself to be unpredictable, in a good way.

I am really, really looking forward to seeing the new pairing of Dmitry and Ashlee. I like them both a lot, but obviously he is one of the most highly trained dancers and she's one of the most highly UNtrained. It's tough for me to imagine her doing a waltz much better than Aleks or Joy could do it, but I think she has a stronger sense of adventure and will really put her all into it. And if they draw hip-hop and she has to help Dmitry along, that will be great fun to watch too. I can't believe I am eagerly awaiting the next episode of this show, but there you have it. See you then!

Posted by Amanda at 8:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (18)

Sorry for the lateness of this recap, but as you may have heard, Tuesday was my birthday. Which meant that watching and recapping Last Comic Standing was not high on my list of things to do. Wednesday came and went, and still this show wasn't on the list. I'll tell you what was on the list, though: sleeping. To recover from all my celebrating on Tuesday. Not to mention my vasectomy from last Friday.

Anyway, enough about my old balls. Let's move on to this season's old bag, Michele Balan. (How's that for a segue?) After kicking ass and taking names at last week's head-to-head-to-head challenge, she returns to the Queen Mary, hoping beyond hope that her victory might earn her a slight modicum of respect from the other comics. Of course, she's totally high, because the other comics have as much respect for her as Gordon Ramsey has for Tom's schweaty balls. And now that I've brought that joke full circle, it's time to get this recap started.

As I said, Michele thinks her win will prove to the other comics that she deserves to be there. Let's not get carried away, Michele. It proves you deserve to be there more than Stella and April, but at this point even Dat Phan deserves to be there more than those two. Still, Kristin seems impressed by Michele's win, and doesn't think anyone will challenge her again for a while, proving that Kristin is a true blonde.

That night, the comics are treated to a Moroccan dinner. Rebecca seems disappointed that the meal consists of weird meat and raisins, which only proves she's never had Moroccan food before. Suddenly, belly-dancing twins sporting snakes and veils show up to entertain our bevy of entertainers. No word on whether the snakes were also twins or not. The comics take turns dancing with belly dancers, but the entire segment was flatter than Ellen Pompeo's acting. Maybe next time they should try feeding the comics deep-fried crickets. Or Ellen Pompeo.

At 2:30 am, the comics are awakened and told to get ready for their next challenge. Nobody is very happy about it, except for Bil Dwyer, who I'm now convinced is actually a Battle-Bot disguise: nobody is that chipper that early in the morning. All the comics are aboard the short bus by 3:30, which Michele thinks is a victory in and of itself. At 5:30 am, the bus finally arrives at the radio station where the Adam Carolla show originates. Because nothing says comedy at 5:30 in the morning than visiting one half of the brain behind the Man Show Boy.

Okay, is it just me or does two hours seem like a really, really long time to drive from Long Beach to Los Angeles? At that time of the morning, I'd think it would take maybe 20 minutes. Thirty, tops. Evidently, the producers have hired Raylonda to drive the short bus this season. They should've picked Jack Bauer; he'd have broken the space-time continuum and made it there in negative 20 minutes.

The comics all trudge in to the studios to be greeted by... Adam Carolla. What, a big star like Adam doesn't have any bitches? And speaking of bitches, where's Anthony Clark? I guess he doesn't get up this early. That's some rider he has in his contract. Adam ends up doing a better job explaining the challenge than Anthony, which really says something, although I'm not sure what.

This week's challenge, for those comics who choose to accept it (I'm talking to you, JOEYGAY!), goes as follows: each comic has to choose an envelope. Inside each envelope is a magazine. They have to do a one-minute bit about the topic of their magazine on the air. Adam will pick the winner, who gets immunity from the head-to-head-to-head competition.

Chris feels like he's dead when he pulls out a magazine called Latina Weddings. Josh gets Weapons of Death, which he says is good, because he already has that issue. Bil gets ssCats! which I'm hoping isn't about cats. The other comics don't seem too enthused about their picks either. Or at least that's what the sneaky producers want us to think.

Roz is up first. Her magazine was on the holy trinity of Astrology, Numerology and Hot Sex. Who couldn't come up with great stuff on that? Roz, that's who. All she talks about is the sex part, and her delivery is so flat everything bombs. Maybe that's why she yells all the time, to make up for her lack of jokes. (Sound like anyone else we know?) Gabriel is next. He has an agricultural magazine and just does funny accents. I'm pretty sure that proves he ate Dat Phan, which is why he hasn't been mentioned at all this season. Chris can't speak or read Spanish and so he's got nothing. Ty has some good material about the hot rod magazine he picked. Even though he later says he'd rather "swim to the ends of the earth with Gabe and Roz tied to his arms than do that challenge again." Why does he assume that Roz and Gabriel can't swim?

Michele was forgettable, as usual. But for her, forgettable is good, as it means she doesn't suck enough for us to remember her sucking. Josh Blue it. What? That's funny because his name is Josh Blue. Sadly, it's also funnier than his set. Bil's magazine really was about cats, which ruins all my scat jokes I was planning on using. It's not really fair either, because who doesn't already have at least 45 seconds of good cat material in their back pocket?

JoeyGay has to do one minute about a farming journal. Which is about 58 more seconds of JoeyGay than anyone should have to listen to that early the morning. Like Roz, he keeps the yelling to a minimum, which just shows how unfunny he really is. Kristin has to cover Modern Knitting, and easily has the best material of the group. It's just too bad she only has 47 seconds worth, and not the required 60, because Adam disqualifies her for being short. Speaking of short, Rebecca's up next. She gets to cover Beefcake magazine. If only Ant were here... Rebecca decides to do the "Top Six" ways not to blow out your ass. Not only is her bit lame, her 60 seconds runs out before she gets to her final punch line. For some reason, though, Adam doesn't disqualify her and instead gives her the win. So let me get this straight: Kristin is the best, but she's disqualified for being too short. Rebecca is the longest and she wins. If I didn't know better, I'd think Adam was judging by schlong rules. Boo Adam!

Back on the ship, the comics pass the time playing football. (Pass? Football? I swear, I could totally write for JoeyGay.) Speaking of, he tells us he's embarrassed that Josh is a better athlete than he is. Funny, I'd think he'd be more embarrassed that Josh is a better comic, but whatevs. Meanwhile, Josh and Kristin decide to play Crotch Ball, which is designed to test Kristin's theory that anything is funny when it gets hit in the crotch with a ball. And she's right. Crotch humor is comedy gold! Not to mention a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!!

Finally, it's the day of the "I'm Funnier Than..." part of the show. Rebecca spends the day doing the "Immunization" Dance, and generally acts the fool, which isn't going to win her any points next week when she doesn't have immunity. And you know she's not going to get it two weeks in a row. She also says she will never challenge a woman, and since she thinks Roz is a woman, she won't challenge her either.

Anthony Clark is waiting for the comics down in the boiler room. I'm beginning to think he might just live there. At least that would explain why he didn't show up for the Adam Carolla Invitational. Here's how the voting went down: Rebecca picked JoeyGay. JoeyGay and Ty both picked Bil. Chris picked Kristin. Roz picked Michele, which surprised me a little, because the producers have set it up that these two are friends. Stupid producers. Josh says he's funnier than Gabriel. At this point, I'm inclined to believe him. For all the props he gets, Gabs just ain't that funny. Kristin picked Chris. Michele picked JoeyGay. Bil picked Michele. At that point it's a three-way tie with Joey, Michele, and Bil each having two votes. Gabriel does his chickenshit hat routine again and pulls out Chris' name, which makes it a four-way tie. That means Bil, Joey, Michele, and Chris will all face each other in the head-to-head-to-head-to-head competition.

Ty is surprised by the results, and he can't understand why anyone would want to pick on Michele again after she just won the last time. Kristin thinks that JoeyGay will win because he is the hungriest for it. Obviously, Kristin has yet to see JoeyGay's act.

Unfortunately, we have. And even more unfortunately, we have to see it once again. This week, he starts off joking about his last name. It's not funny, but at least it's not the Palestinian baseball player bit. He makes some more tired jokes about his sisters all cycling at the same time. And no, it's not Lance Armstrong cycling. Another joke about the Mexican army and the Irish drinking too much and he's finally done yelling.

Before taking the stage, Chris Porter says he's going to use his best material, so he doesn't have any regrets in case he loses. Good choice, as his set is easily the best of the night, with bits about smoking pot, taking Xanax and wearing condoms. Although not all at the same time.

Bil does his bit about the friendly Armenians. Again. At least he doesn't talk about them playing baseball. While Bil has been growing on me the past few weeks, his set tonight is just blah. He seems to be going through the motions and never really connects with the audience. Still, he is funnier than JoeyGay.

Michelle goes last, and delivers some so-so material about cops on bikes, remote-controlled vibrators and women growing hair on their breasts after age 40. Thanks Michele, that really gives me something to look forward to with mrs. copygodd.

Before the results are announced, I tell my dogs I think Chris and Michele are going to win. And I'm right. Just one more reason my dogs think I'm a god. Chris wins 52% of the vote, and the Capital One Audience Favorite award. Bil gets the lowest amount of votes, and JoeyGay gets the second lowest, meaning Chris and Michele are safe for yet another week.

So what did you think of this week's show? Is there anyone left that you'd actually pay money to see? Remember, Last Comic Standing is being preempted next week for a 4th of July special, but it will return in two weeks. Next week is also the start of CBS' Rockstar: Supernova which I'll be recapping. Anyone want odds on how long it will be before someone jokes about Tommy Lee's junk? (Long? Tommy Lee's junk? See, crotch humor is comedy gold!!)

Posted by at 8:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (17)

My Life On The D-List, 6/27/06, Bravo

Last week, Kathy Griffin gave us a surprisingly moving and fascinating tour of Iraq on My Life On The D-List. This week, she gave us Talan from Laguna Beach. Minor downgrade. Nevertheless, enjoy the ever astounding idiocy of Talan as he tries to charm Kathy and her star-struck niece.

Posted by at 5:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

Andy Warhol you Nostradamus you.

The WOW Report announced they are currently in production on a reality hybrid tv show starring the one, the only, Perez Hilton. Shhh, shhh....it'll be ok. Continue reading through your tears and confusion.

Apparently, WOW is not in fact Women of Wrestling (which would potentially be a show worth watching, even with Perez in it), but rather World of Wonder. Don't know World of Wonder? They are the production company responsible for such televised mega-hits as The Perfect Penis, Totally Gayer (the sequal, of course to Totally Gay) and the heart warming Cleavage.

Perez gained notoriety when he.........ummmmmmm.......well he has a website.

Paris Hilton saw a boom in her career and pop culture relevance when, while still in production on the first season of The Simple Life, a sex tape was released on the internet. Perez hopes to have the same luck his name sake, for on the same day of the press release announcing his "show," a website Queerty.com(WARNING - NSFW) has published screen caps and photos from Perez Hiltons Manhunt.net profile which include photos of the dick......and his genitals. ZING!

While there is no word yet on specific details, Fenton Bailey, one of the shows producers, was overheard saying "It's like the Surreal Life hybridized with......you know that thick film you get in your mouth after a particularly long night sucking on a septic tank while your ex-wife pounds you in your balls with bags of money you are paying her in alimony? Yeah, it'll be something like that."

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 3:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

The best part about Wednesdays? Not only is it hump day, it's Hills day. It's the day of the week where we can come home and relax for half an hour while we watch the gaggle of idiots led by Jason and Heidi galavant around Hollywood, blithely making fools of themselves for our entertainment. Such was the case tonight when the gang went out to celebrate J-Wahl's big birthday. Yes, he was turning the ripe old age of nineteen, and if that still sounds young to you, keep in mind that he did wear a blazer to the celebration. That means he's all growns up. Congratulations, Jason. If you were living in Quebec, you'd be able to drink legally by now.

Indeed, there was plenty of Jason on tonight's show -- so much so that even Heidi was looking like she might have more brain cells than we ever thought imaginable. Also boosting Heidi's IQ was the introduction of Dan the Model, a man who never saw a salad he didn't want to party with. That's the thing about Los Angeles. As long as you surround yourself with dumb people, you'll always shine. How do you think Heidi got that job at Bolthouse anyway?

This week's show started off with LC explaining how she had recently gotten back together with Jason. When last we had seen them, they were sharing a benign goodnight kiss, but now they had full-on resumed the romance. Not only that, but LC explained that Jason had now become fast friends with Heidi's main squeeze, Jordan. These guys really don't waste any time climbing the social ladder, do they?

Anyway, we then found LC and Heidi roaming around a golf store, trying to find some clubs for Jason's upcoming birthday. Needless to say, the two girls were completely lost. "Calloway has to be good 'cause it's like everywhere," Heidi suggested. By that rationale, Heidi probably thinks Sizzler is a four-star restaurant. That would explain why she always gets into a ball gown every time she eats there.

Okay, okay. I kid. I'm sure Heidi's never even set foot in a Sizzler before. She's more of a Denny's girl, if you think about it. Oh, and for the record, according to J-Unit, Calloway actually is a very good brand; so in this case, Heidi's endorsement actually might be worth considering.

Nevertheless, the girls roamed around the irons and woods, eventually cooing over some clubs whose color schemes were quite pleasing. "These ones are pretty!" LC said.

"Those ones are really pretty!" Heidi confirmed. Let it be known: J-Wahl will have the prettiest clubs on the golf course. I just hope he doesn't mind the pink ribbons and glitter on the handles.

We then learned that for Jason's birthday, the whole gang would be enjoying sushi at Blowfish, a local restaurant located on the western-most block of the Sunset Strip. Prior to dinner, however, Jason would be golfing with some of his buddies (read: Lauren's friends that he's glommed onto to ensure further screen time and vice versa); so the big plan was to hide the clubs in the trunk of a car and then Surprise! New golf clubs! Sounded like a perfect idea. Couldn't wait for it to all go wrong.

Anyway, as much fun as the girls were having browsing around without a clue, Heidi finally suggested something that I've been recommending for a few weeks now: "Maybe we should get help." I wholeheartedly agree. And I don't mean "help" like a maid. Oh wait, Heidi was talking about help with the golf clubs? Eh. I guess we weren't on the same wavelength after all.

We then saw the opening credits and learned this episode's title: "Jason's Birthday." Ah, very creative. Might I also suggest, "Episode 5" or "TV show" or "Stuff"? Nevertheless, we soon found ourselves at the Teen Vogue offices where Wh-wh-wh-Whitney had a very insightful observation about jeans and consumer habits:

"Jeans can be really addicting. There's like always new ones, and you feel like you have to have them!" she said with a goofy grin. Well observed, Whitney. Well observed. Next week, we get to hear her thoughts on glue. "Glue is really bizarre. It like sticks to things and just doesn't let go!"

As fascinating as this roundtable discussion about jeans was, LC interrupted it to reveal that Jason's birthday was coming up on Wednesday. How wonderful. But what was even more wonderful was the return appearance of Lisa Love, who strode into the office wearing some sort of pseudo-Madras patterned coat. I tried to do the magic-eye thing on it, but all that happened was I wound up dizzy and with a headache.

We didn't know what Lisa Love wanted, nor did we know why she had deigned to trek down the hallway to the intern sweatshop / closet. I suspected she'd ask Lauren to fetch some sunglasses she had left behind in a Manhattan hotel room, but instead, L. Love wanted to introduce the girls to Gloria, the fashion director of the magazine. Gloria was an interesting woman. She looked sort of like a long lost Navajo woman dressed in some neo-Madeline schoolgirl outfit. Anyway, she was there to alert the girls that there would be a big fashion shoot on Wednesday. You know, the same day as Jason's birthday. Whitney would be stuck in class all day (and by "all day," I mean she had one class at noon), which meant LC would have to come in and work as an assistant on the shoot. It was a great opportunity, but hello?? J-Wahl's birthday! The most important day of the year!! This was like the High Holidays for hipsters and hangers-on throughout Los Angeles. Lisa Love just didn't understand, but maybe that's because she was taking such sadistic joy out of having a new sidekick to stare haughtily at girls with.

Try not to hide your displeasure, Lisa Love.

Anyway, Gloria and Lisa informed LC that she would be doing essentially everything on the shoot. "We're counting on you to really let it run smoothly," Gloria added. Since when do interns get this much responsibility? Doesn't Teen Vogue have an assistants? What about Blaine? He was probably busy interviewing with Glamour (in case you didn't hear, he just landed a new job as the West Coast editor. It was in Page Six. I guess he won't be around for season two).

LC should have been psyched for this opportunity, but truthfully, she was absolutely crestfallen. She had already planned Jason's whole celebration. Now what was she going to do? To think she actually had to work on someone's birthday. What's next? No time off for Arbor Day? Seriously, Teen Vogue was shaping up to be a real ACLU nightmare.

That night, we found Heidi and Audrina in the pool talking about, you guessed it, boys. Apparently Audrina had a date coming up with a male model named Dan. But what about Brian, you ask? Last we saw, he and Audrina seemed well on their way to hooking up, especially after they discreetly stepped into her apartment and shut the door behind them, leaving the camera crew out in the hallway. Well, apparently the sparks didn't really fly that night. "We just hung out," Audrina said. "We never took it to the next level." The next level? She wasn't talking about anal, was she? Actually, it was probably her euphemistic way of saying, "I think he was gay." Either that or "I accidentally threw up on his lap, and we haven't talked since."

Nevertheless, Heidi began laughing about Audrina "not taking it to the next level" with Brian and wondered if Dan would be able to fare better. "You deserve a really good guy," Heidi then said. Why exactly did Audrina deserve a really good guy? Not sure. It was just empty HeidiSpeak. The girls also talked about giving each other a "signal" during the Dan date. Heidi would call up and provide an out for Audrina if necessary. Sounded like a plan. I just hoped the out wasn't something like "Hey Audrina. Come to my office right now and tell my boss that I want to quit."

Back in the apartment, Lauren was wasting time doing something when the front door opened and in walked Jason. Talk about a fast-moving reunion. Last week he was groveling for her forgiveness. This week he had a key to her apartment. By the next episode, she'll have three children running around and curlers in her hair.

Anyway, Jason sat down next to Lauren, and we were able to see his ever-changing appearance. I noticed that his hair had become puffy and flat-ironed, the first signs of Cabrerasizing (that is, making one's hair look like Ryan Cabrera's). I also saw that Jason's title had officially upgraded from "ex-boyfriend" to "Lauren's boyfriend." I guess that means it's time for him to start treating her like shit. Sure enough, when he found out that Lauren would be stuck at a photo shoot, he began laying on the guilt.

"So you have to work. On my birthday," he said disappointedly. What's up with everyone in LC's life being unrealistically needy? People have jobs and responsibilities. Stop acting like showing up to work is some crazy form of deviant behavior. You know, one day Jason will discover that he too might have to work on his very own birthday. Crazy, right?

Well, LC did feel bad about having to skip out, and she told her boy, "I wanted to spend your birthday with you." Jason's response? A quiet mumble. Some things never change. By the way, I loved how these two were acting as if hanging out in the evening was not even an option. It was like LC had to be available to Jason from dawn until midnight, or else the birthday celebration would be ruined.

Anyway, we then saw an enticing shot of a random water fountain, and then it was off to Audrina's apartment where Dan the Model had arrived for the date. "Fancy seeing you again," he told her, and off the bat, we knew that he sucked. Plus, he had annoying Goo-Goo Dolls hair; so he just had to be worthless.

As the two walked out to his car, Dan commented awkwardly on how wonderful the weather was. He then asked Audrina if she had been outside that day, and when she said that she had during her lunch break, Dan let out a small chuckle and said, "Oh, that's right. I apologize. You work." There goes another person saying the "W" word. Don't they know that work is verboten on The Hills? Yes, teenagers of America. No one needs a job in Hollywood! Or an education! Just come to Hollywood and hang out! It'll be just like The Hills (except you might wind up living on the streets with a nasty drug habit).

In the car, Aurdina tried to spark some small talk, but it was pretty much a massive failure. "So what beach did you go to?" she asked.

"Today? [awkward pause] I live at the beach!" Dan replied, as if she was totally loco for even asking in the first place.

"Oh," said Audrina, clearly not caring anymore.

"Wait, did I say I was going to the beach?" Dan then asked, adding, "I must have lied!" Anyone else's feet cold? Because Dan has charmed the socks off me! That thumping noise you hear? It's the sound of all the hearts in America going "Pitter-pat. Pitter pat."

Anyway, the two drove off to Los Angeles Mexican food institution, El Coyote. Two funny stories about that place: the first time I went there, I saw Kathy Bates chowing down on a burrito. That's pretty much the story. Not much arc, but the image will be seared into my head forever. The second story is that when I went to El Coyote a month ago, I had to valet the car, and when I handed my keys over, I gave the valet such a static shock that he actually jumped back and said, "Dayummmmm!!!" He then gave me this wounded, betrayed look, almost as if I had violated some ancient, sacred oath -- one that promised that valets and customers would stand side by side and never, ever shock each other with static electricity.

Okay, now that I've veered completely off-topic, let's get back to the date, or as I like to call it, the total disaster. Yes, I should have known Kathy Bates and static electricity would foreshadow such a terrible social outing. It wasn't that the two were fighting or sharing awkward moments. It was more like Dan was a complete and total idiot. At one point, he even said, "I'm going to check my machine, if you don't mind." Classy. At the very least, pretend like you have to go to the bathroom. Anyway, right there at the table, while he was on an alleged date, Dan whipped out his cell phone and checked his messages. Note that this was on the heels of some dumb story about his friend getting fake boobs and then showing them to all the guys when she was drunk.

Well, Dan was on his cell for quite a while, prompting Audrina to politely ask, "Have a lot of messages?" Dan simply rolled his eyes empathetically and said, "My agent." Oh how I hoped a waiter would accidentally drop a burning hot dish of fajitas on his head.

Later, as the two were eating their food, Heidi called Audrina up provide an out if necessary. "If he's really cute and sweet then tell me that the food is great," Heid said. Personally, I would have gone with the "If he's really cute and sweet, then tell me that Kathy Bates is eating a burrito at the next table." Nevertheless, Heidi then asked how the food was, and Audrina replied... "It's a little greasy." Oh snap! You just got dissed, Dan, and you didn't even know it! Of course, he didn't realize because he was too busy admiring the mixed greens in front of him.

"This salad's like a party," he said, thus providing my favorite quote of the week. After a line like that, it didn't take long to realize that we probably wouldn't be seeing him again.

And we're all invited!

Later that night, Jason, LC, Jordan, and Heidi all congregated at a restaurant named Bella. Brian joined them too, but before he arrived at the table, everyone talked about how they shouldn't mention Audrina's date in front of him. Don't want to make him feel bad about not being able to take Audrina "to the next level."

Well, Brian sat down at the table, and sarcastically joked, "Thanks for saving me bread!"

Heidi jokingly shot back, "But look! We did save you oil and vinegar," and for whatever reason, this caused Jason to double over with laughter. Yes, nothing tickles the funny bone like some good old fashioned oil and vinegar comedy. Ever heard Dane Cook's bit about balsamic? Oh, it's classic!

A little bit later, Audrina arrived, prompting Heidi to ask, "Are you alone?" Audrina said yes, and then about two seconds later, Heidi asked, "Are you going to see him again?" SHHH!! Ix-nay on the ate-day in ont-fray of ian-Bray...

Well, thanks to Heidi and her inability to keep quiet about the NotDate, the entire table began asking Audrina questions about Dan, clearly making Brian uncomfortable. But since we don't really care about Brian, this was just more fun for us, and ultimately, the scene ended with the gang toasting to Jason's birthday. Yay!

We then went to commercial, and when we returned, it was Wednesday, the day when the Wahlers birthed their furry little son, Jason. It also happened to be the day of the big Teen Vogue shoot. LC showed up and met Jane, a fashion editor who seemed about as exciting as her name. She instantly put her new intern to work. First LC had to line up shoes. Then sneakers. And then she had to organize them by category. Did Jane have no mercy? All this shoe preparation was nearly as rigorous as Heidi's perpetual tuna sandwich gathering for Brent Bolthouse. It's a rough industry, people. Even worse, once LC was done arranging the footwear, she then had to steam a skirt. Oh, the brutality! This was like the inverted 8th and Ocean. How the other half lives!

Later in the day, Blaine surfaced and began asking LC all sorts of questions about Jason and the golf clubs and the birthday celebration. Why he cared so much was beyond me. Maybe he was just trying to fish for gossip that he could share with Lisa Love. After all, now that Gloria had moved in, Blaine needed something to win back Lisa's good graces. He's the number one sidekick, dammit. Gloria better respect!

We then headed out to a golf course where Jason and Jordan were about to hit the links. They piled out of an SUV, and Jordan suggested that Jason pull something out of the trunk. Jason did this and soon discovered a brand new set of clubs, courtesy of LC. Of course, he didn't realize his girlfriend was behind this present, and instead, Jason asked Jordan, "Whaaat? Is this from you?" I suppose he was so used to receiving lavish gifts from his old sidekick Cedric that he just assumed Jordan would be delivering similar offerings. Anyway, Jordan informed him that the clubs were in fact from Lauren, causing Brian to remark, "She couldn't have gotten them at a better time." Yes, Brian. That's the magic of birthday presents. They arrive on your birthday. It wasn't a coincidence.

Jason then called up LC to thank her, and I was shocked that a) he was so appreciative, and b) he didn't express his gratitude with a series of low murmurs. He actually seemed animated and happy. This made Lauren very happy, but her emotions soon turned to anxiety as the clock ticked away at the photo shoot. Soon it was 4:30 PM, and there seemed to be no end in sight to this day. LC then began complaining to a random model about her situation, saying, "It's my boyfriend's birthday today, and I'm missing it, and I'm so sad." Oh, I could understand her plight. I mean, it was already nearly 4:45 PM. At that point, the day was practically shot! There'd be no time to celebrate now! Everything would be ruined!

We then cut back to the guys golfing -- or attempting to golf. Ah, fun times on J-Wahl's birthday. Then it was back to the shoot where LC was preparing for a DHL pick-up in case the shoot went longer than 6 PM. Uh-oh! There was a chance LC would have to stay later than 6? Have these people even heard of labor laws? This was an outrage!

Finally, at 6:25 PM, Jane told LC that there was only one more shot left, and it was at the beach. Lauren didn't have to go along, but if she were smart, she would have. Unfortunately, LC wasn't that smart. I mean, she's a hell of a lot brighter than her friends, but when it comes to all things J-Wahl, she makes Heidi look like Ken Jennings. As a result, LC backed out of the beach shoot, saying that she had plans already. Now here's the thing: she could have simply said she really wanted to go to the beach shoot but unfortunately had prior obligations and conflicts or whatever. That way, she could have kept up good relations with Jane. But instead, LC shrugged sheepishly and said, "Sorry, it's my boyfriend's birthday party." Ouch. Wrong answer. Lauren then waltzed out to her car, with Jane staring disapprovingly back at her. Lisa Love would NOT be happy about this. The good news for LC though was that she was finally free at last to spend time with Jason -- because they clearly don't get to spend enough time together as it is. The bad news was that LC then got stuck in horrendous traffic. Was Lauren ever going to be reunited with her fuzzy boyfriend???

The dilemma soon resolved itself as we found LC and Jason together after the commercial break. They hopped into an SUV in her garage and drove off to dinner. You'd think they'd be so happy to be reunited, but the pre-dinner conversation in the car was a bit, well, frosty. "Do you just want to go home after dinner?" Jason asked LC. I thought that was his way of soliciting sex from her, but apparently, he really was asking/suggesting that she just go home after dinner. Sort of harsh. He then followed up by saying, "Well, if you want to go home, you can take my car." Translation: I kind of want to cheat on you tonight (mumble mumble).

LC then asked Jason where he was going after dinner, and instead of responding, "I want to do whatever you're doing," he said, "I don't know. I'm just seeing how I feel." Ouch. Failed the test. You know, he should really be groveling to LC. This is her show, after all.

We now pause for some Hills geographical scandal.

Okay, I'm about to get all Internet geeky on this show. One of the cool benefits of living in Los Angeles is tearing down the web of LIES The Hills perpetuates. The biggest lie, of course, is that The Hills actually takes place in The Hills. The show claims that LC lives in the Hillside Villas on Sunset Plaza Drive, but that pool they're always swimming in is pure Palazzo -- a.k.a. a complex on 3rd Street (which is most certainly not The Hills). Further proving this point is the bizarre route Jason and LC took to get to the birthday party in this episode. They allegedly started off at the Hillside Villas but then, we could clearly see them driving on Melrose Avenue, and later, we could see the West Hollywood Gateway complex in Jason's window, indicating that they were heading northbound on La Brea! For those of you who don't live in Los Angeles, click here to see what their route looked like to get to the restaurant.

Now, why would LC and Jason drive all around town when the restaurant was just down the street from her alleged apartment? Scandal is in the air people! Feel free to submit your theories and scenarios!

Anyway, back to the story...

The kids all arrived at the restaurant, Blowfish, where they enjoyed some sushi and the company of random older people who were clearly too pathetic to find friends in their own peer group. Please shoot me if I'm thirty-five and hanging out with nineteen year olds. At one point, our old friend Brian stood up to deliver a toast. He attempted to get everyone's attention by clinking his glass with a chopstick, but when he didn't achieve the perfect sound, he remarked, "Doesn't really work good with a wooden stick." Chopstick. It's called a chopstick. He then added, "Me Brian. Me no good at using wooden stick on clear water-holding things." Okay, he didn't say that, but he did deliver a lame speech about how he'd been in Los Angeles for five months and blah blah blah. It was a pretty boring toast, which goes to show that Audrina's not the only thing he's incapable of taking to the next level. I then started to think about Brian and how he'd only been in Los Angeles for less than a year, and yet already he was on a reality show and had been seen with Paris Hilton. Either he was lying about his tenure in Los Angeles, or he's just a really proficient social climber. Probably a mixture of both.

Anyway, after the toast, Audrina regaled Brian with stories about how she used to work at Hooters (shocker!), and Jason, meanwhile, disappeared from LC's side. When someone asked where he went, some guy joked that Jason was so over LC now. This prompted Heidi to snap, "That is a really mean thing to say!" It was a joke, Heidi. Relax. But seriously, he really was over her.

Jason did return from wherever he had disappeared to (probably the bathroom to stare at those gnarly automatic faucets again), but instead of sitting by Lauren's side, he instead went to another end of the long table to chat with some other guests. Normally, I'd say he was just working the room as a good host should, but knowing Jason, he was probably lining up his extra-curricular girlfriends for the evening. Besides, after all the guilt Jason had put on Lauren for not being able to spend the entire day with him, you'd think he'd want to spend more than thirty seconds by her side. Nevertheless, he told a bunch of people about a cool club he was going to later that night -- a club that he conveniently didn't tell LC about. Oh, he's a low-down dirty dawg!

Certainly not happy by the lack of attention, LC shot Jason a look, and he humbly returned to his lovah, saying, "I'm trying to be friendly." Yeah, well, be friendly on your own reality show. No woman deserves to be stuck alone with Heidi and Audrina nattering away in her ear.

Jason soon retreated to the other end of the table again, and as LC sat discontented and alone, a random old dude asked her if she was fighting with the birthday boy. Lauren brushed off the question, saying she was just sitting there and smiling. She wasn't going to fight with him on his birthday. Translation: I'm going to fight with him on his birthday.

LC then said, "He can't treat me like shit and expect me to be sweet to him, you know?" But seriously, no fighting on the birthday.

After dinner, LC decided to exercise her passive-aggressive right to be angry by telling Jason she wasn't going out with everyone. She was just gonna go home.

"Why are you mad at me, Lauren?" he asked. Again, she said she wasn't going to fight with him on his birthday... and then added, "I rushed home for your birthday. Put yourself in my situation." Unfortunately, the demands of thinking about anyone but himself nearly exploded poor Jason's brain. He merely stared blankly and walked away (I'm sure there was some dialogue conveniently left on the editing room floor), leaving LC to stand by the valet with random bags in her arms. Normally, I'd feel bad for LC, but a) she had to realize that as slimy and immature as he is, this was Jason's day, not hers, and b) that's what happens when you let someone like Jason back into your life.

"What is this concept, 'putting myself in your shoes'? I can't fit in high heels!"

What did you think about this episode? Was LC being crabby? Was Jason being a dick? Or were they all being very, very silly?

Posted by at 1:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (57)

As I mentioned last week, I thought the first episode of The 4400 was a little lackluster. I think it was simply a factor of trying to fit too many things into one episode. I am happy to report that the second episode was a lot better. I love this show because there is a bit of mystery to it, but nowhere does it say that mystery has to leave the viewer confused, and there was way too much confusion going on last time. Now that things have settled down and we have a better idea what direction the show will be taking, I am really starting to look forward to this season.

As we all know, Diana told Dr. Kevin Berkhoff that she would help him with his promycin experiments as long as he agreed that he wouldn't jeopardize his health. It's quite obvious to me that whatever Dr. Berkhoff is doing with the promycin no longer relates to scientific study. He's just a drug addict, and you have to wonder when he's going to realize that he needs help. Other than some gross looking scars and teeth that seem to be falling out of his mouth, he doesn't have a lot to show for his experiments. There have been a few side effects like sensitivity to light and personality quirks are one thing, but what if something more serious happens, is it worth the price?

For Berkhoff, the price is clear. He says that as soon as the first 4400 displayed ability, a global arms race began. There are going to be other people, companies, and governments who try to make a promycin serum. Whoever is the first to create a serum and control it could have a huge advantage. Just imagine if somebody could clone Gary Navarro? No company or government secret would be safe. And how about TJ Kim? If some government had her, we'd never see another man on the battlefield.

Speaking of TJ Kim, Tom decides to put another visit into HVT number 1. Since TJ is wanted in connection with a terrorist attack on NTAC as well as her involvement with the attempted murder of Dennis Ryland, security is very tight, and even Tom has to hand in his gun. NTAC needs to know more information on the NOVA group, but TJ swears that she doesn't know anymore. And then Tom shoots her.

Huh?

First of all, it looks like NTAC is starting to hire the same people that do security at CTU. If TJ Kim is their best asset in finding the NOVA group, wouldn't you use a metal detector and give people a pat down? And shouldn't somebody be in the room watching her to make sure she doesn't kill her visitor? How can Tom get out so fast? And why does Tom want to kill TJ Kim?

Does anybody else think TJ Kim looks like Chow Yun-Fat?

Evidently, Diana and Nina Jarvis were just as confused as the rest of us. Diana and Tom have been through a lot together. They both have been affected by the returnees in so many ways, and really do trust each other with their lives. When Diana finds out that NTAC is out to bring Tom back in, she pleads with Jarvis to give her a chance to talk to him first. Jarvis agrees and Dian head over to Tom's house.

One of the story lines that I was very excited to hear about this year was the return of Isabelle. Since the beginning, she has been a central character, but she was a young child and figuring out how she would factor into the story was always a matter of anticipation. Now that she is a teenager, there is still a lot of anticipation, but things are much more clear.

During the first week, Isabelle surprised us when she tried to kill herself. Understandably she is feeling confused, but Matthew Ross literally slapped some sense into her, or so we thought. When we first see Isabelle this week, she is walking into a lake. At first I thought she was trying to kill herself again, but as it turns out, she was just trying to swim. Now, keep in mind that when she was discovered in the water, she was lying face down and dying. I know she is a little naive, but you would think that she would at least thrash around a little bit, no? Then again, maybe she assumed she would just walk on the water instead.

You would think that all of this is kind of pointless, but it actually adds a little bit to the budding romance that's popping up between Isabelle and Shawn. When Shawn learns that Isabelle was trying to learn how to swim, he mentions that there is a pool at the 4400 center, and he wouldn't mind teaching her how to swim. If I were Shawn, I would probably start her off with paddleboard and then move on to the "breast stroke". Don't you love my subtlety folks?

By this time, Diana has made it over to Tom's house and walks in on him taking a shower. If only more assassins were as hygienic as Tom, the profession wouldn't get such a bad name. Diana confronts Tom, who doesn't remember a thing about shooting TJ Kim. If you were like me, you probably thought that somebody or something had been controlling Tom when he shot TJ Kim, but Diana mentioned that perhaps he started blacking out. If you remember from last year, Tom's son Kyle started blacking out for no reason and, well, I know a lot of you haven't seen all of season two, so I'll just say that Tom's son is now in jail for what he did.

While Tom may have thought there were some similarities in what happened, he surely wasn't going to wait around and find out. I'm sure he trusts his partner, but having worked at NTAC for so long, he is not exactly confident in a government agency doing the right thing. Asking for a little privacy, he sends Diana to wait outside of the bathroom, and while she is muttering away to herself, he slips out the window and escapes.

Predictably, Jarvis is quite upset with Diana, and decides that they will have to get Tom the old-fashioned way. That being said, Tom calls Diana and after apologizing for running out on her like that, says that he needs Diana to dig around and help him figure out what happened. Obviously, he can't get back into NTAC without causing a stir, so he wants her to dig around.

Whenever Diana is in a jam and Tom is not around, she leans on her geeky boy toy Marco for some help. Even when Marco had no chance of getting into Diana's pants, he was more than happy to help her. He might not be getting much more action than a smooch here and there and a night playing the game of life when he's been a good boy, but his chances are greater than zero, so he's getting closer.

Marco tells Diana that her best bet would be to think of this case just like any other. In this case, there are cameras all over the building, so why not start with the video footage? Sounds like a great idea, but when they go to retrieve some of this footage, Marco is told that he has already checked out the evidence, which comes as a big surprise to Marco. Whoever killed TJ Kim wanted to make sure that Tom was being framed, and went to a whole lot of trouble to tie up loose ends.

But who is trying to get at Tom? Boyd Gelder is his name, and he can apparently take the shape of other people. Although we can't be sure if he is part of the Nova group, it would make sense. Killing TJ Kim and blaming it on Tom would take care of the only person who knew about the Nova group, and the one person who has been giving them the most trouble. But now that Tom is on the case, Boyd needs to find another way to get to Tom before he is exposed, or even worse, caught. Having just killed TJ Kim (we assume), he knows that if he is caught somebody will be out to get him as well.

Since Boyd has no idea where Tom is, he decides to do the next best thing, which is find the person that means the most to him, and threaten her life. That person is Tom's wife, Alana, who runs what I consider the hottest art gallery in the state of Washington. Of course, I am teeny bit biased, since I would a house on the shores of the Los Angeles River if she was selling it to me. Tom figured that whoever it was that was trying to frame him would go after Alana, so he made his way to her gallery as well.

Unfortunately, the fake Tom gets to Alana first, but Alana, who has brains to go along with her beauty, notices how strange the fake Tom is acting, and is skeptical when he tells her to go with him. At that moment, the one and only true Tom calls Alana, and things start to get confusing. The real Tom realizes that the fake Tom is after his wife and makes it to the gallery just as the fake Tom is leaving. Tom chases fake Tom in the alley, but the only person in the alley is, some teenager. That teenager is Boyd Gelder, and although he gets away, Tom has seen his face. Boyd knows that he is burned, and he will have to find another way to get to Tom or Alana.

Now that Tom has an idea of what he is dealing with, he decides to ask for some help from Shawn, who gladly hands over access to the Center's database of 4400s and their abilities. I figured that Shawn would help, but it seemed like he gave up the information a little too easy, it makes you think that there is something else on his mind. Oh right! Isabelle!

Although I kind of find this Isabelle story distracting and annoying at times, can you really blame Shawn? I personally think he is showing great restraint. He is obviously attracted to her, but knows that it is wrong. Isabelle is attracted to Shawn, but she really has no idea what sort of affect she has on men. As promised, Shawn promised to help Isabelle learn how to swim, as well as a bunch of other things that she has on a list of things she missed learning how to do when she was growing up.

I know that Isabelle is a special child, but she still has a parent. You would think that Richard would want to be around to teach her some of these things, but Richard had to go and bury Lily with her family. For some reason, Richard thinks that Isabelle is not ready to fly, or be away from the center. Isabelle senses that Richard wants a final chance for some time with his wife's remains, but if I were him, and Isabelle is the only living memory of the person I loved, I would never let her out of my sight. Richard trusts that Shawn will be taking good care of Isabelle, and I am guessing she will be in good hands, but just what will those hands be doing?

For example, after Isabelle has her first driving lesson with Shawn, she is feeling very exhilarated. With that task under her belt, she decides to ask Shawn for one more little favor. He has a big bed, so why doesn't Shawn teach her about sex? While Shawn may have been very excited about the prospect, he knows that Richard will be back eventually, and would probably kill him for touching his daughter. All kidding aside, he tells Isabelle that he would feel like he was taking advantage of her, but Isabelle doesn't buy that. She knows Shawn better than anybody else in the world, so why shouldn't they be together? Hmm, that's kind of a good point.

Anyway, Tom searched the 4400 database and found out about Boyd Gelder. With this information in hand, he calls Diana, and tells her to meet him at an undisclosed location. When Diana gets there, she hears gunshots. She looks across the field, and she sees herself firing shots at Tom. But wait, how could that be? She knows it must be Boyd Gelder, but how did he know where to meet them? Well, dumbass, you told Marco all about it. I'm not saying that she has to be wary of her boyfriend, but she already knows Boyd impersonated Marco at least once before, so she needs to be a little more careful.

Now that Diana has seen it with her own eyes, she tries to get Tom to come in, but Tom is still a little wary about giving himself up. Diana is a witness, but she's also his partner, and has covered for him before, so people might not believe her. Instead, they try to get to Boyd, and try to reach out to him by contacting his mother. They tell her that it is very important that they get to Boyd before somebody else does. She agrees to call her son, but really, do we even know if that is Boyd's mom, or just Boyd pretending to be his mom?

Whoever it was that told Tom and Diana they would help was obviously lying. Tom and Diana agreed to meet Boyd at an undisclosed location, but instead of seeing Boyd, they only saw a bunch of NTAC agents. Diana and Tom were able to get away, but now they had no clue how to find Boyd. Luckily, Boyd found them.

When Tom left Alana at her gallery, he told her to go home and not answer the door for anybody. They gave each other a secret password to use, but Boyd, who had come around the block and was impersonating Alana's assistant, heard the password, not that he needed it. Alana was skeptical when Boyd came to her house as Tom, but couldn't get in the door because he didn't have a key. Boyd kicked the door down, and took Alana hostage. He called Tom and told him that he needs a confession. If Tom confesses, and then dies, Boyd will be in the clear. Diana begs Tom to call Jarvis and go in with a bunch of folks for NTAC, but again, when you've seen the quality work NTAC has done in the past, and the life that's on the line is somebody you love, you would want to go in alone.

While Boyd is waiting for Tom to come into the house, Alana decides to try and reason with him. It's obvious that Boyd thinks that he really is fighting for a good cause, and you know what, he could be right. Maybe the NOVA group is misunderstood, but how do you reconcile killing one of your own members? TJ Kim was a soldier, but if you don't value the life of the people who are part of your movement, what good is the movement?

This chitchat is kind of boring, and very repetitive, but it did distract Boyd enough to give Alana a chance to make a break for it. Luckily for her, Tom had snuck into the house, and was able to knock the gun away from Boyd. To tell you the truth, there wasn't too much excitement after this. Alana picked up the gun, but who is the real Tom? They look exactly alike, and the fake Tom seems to have read up on Alana and knows a lot about her personal life, so who does she pick? When she tried to run away, Alana had hit Boyd with a vase, and she sees some blood on the side of his face, meaning he is the fake Tom. There you have it, killer captured, Tom is no longer going to be wanted for murder.

I liked this episode, but I think it was resolved a little too easily. That being said, the NOVA group has become an interesting problem and it's going to be interesting to see how far they'll go to get what they want. Meanwhile, the other two main plots just got a little more interesting as well.

Berkhoff is making progress in his promycin trials. He seems to have gained a super-healing ability, and demonstrates this to Diana by stabbing himself with a scalpel. Yeah, it was kind of gross, but the worst part about it wasn't watching him stab himself, but learning that he doesn't always heal quickly. That's one game of chance I really wouldn't want to play, but despite the obvious problems with Berkhoff's health, Diana decides to continue helping him administer his doses.

And finally, there was some action with the Shawn and Isabelle story line. These two have OK chemistry, but it seems like they were destined for much more. Matthew Ross, who has always been a shadowy character, notices how much Shawn has taken a liking to Isabelle and vise versa. While he tells Shawn that they should spend time together, he tells Isabelle much more. Matt went to Isabelle's room to give her slinky green dress, and said that she should get as close to Shawn as possible because they will soon be on opposite of an epic struggle. He warns her about getting too close, because it could make things she has to do in the future very difficult.

With her new dress and her new eye color (another one of her abilities), she walks into Shawn's room and doesn't take no for an answer. This is difficult for Shawn. He wants her, but really doesn't want to take advantage, and when her father got back from his trip, Richard basically told Shawn that he would beat him to death if he slept with his daughter. Still, Isabelle is hot, lithe, supple, taut....Uh, where was I? Umm, basically, she is hard to resist, and Shawn finally lets himself go and, well, he does have a big bed, so you can probably imagine where it goes from there.

So, Matt obviously knows a lot. I am starting to think that he is a future-human that was sent back to make sure Isabelle did all the work she needed to do, but if Shawn is the leader of the 4400s, why would that put the two of them at odds? Which side does Berkhoff choose? How about the NOVA group? How about NTAC and the government? I am really starting to like this story line and I hope they start chipping away at it in the coming months. (BTW don't forget that you still have time to enter my latest 4400 giveaway!)

What did you think of this episode?

Posted by at 1:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I have to admit that this show is reeling me in, and I've been looking forward to seeing what would happen with the contestants this week. Would Aleks stop acting like she's on her way to the electric chair, and would she and Dmitry gel as a new team? Would we get closure on the spelling of "Jamyz"? Would Musa and Natalie conceive a child onstage? Would Nigel's friskiness result in a sexual harassment suit? And would Cat's wardrobe continue to trigger migraines and temporary bouts of blindness? Welcome ... to SOYOUTHINKYOUCANDANCE!!!!!

Yeah, I really love the way Cat says that, but her dress is very, very bad. She totally faked us out by wearing a fairly normal dress last Thursday, and now she's wearing a navy blue ... thing ... with ruffles, and a GIANT. YELLOW. BELT. So that answers one of my questions.

I'll end the suspense on another one those questions early, too. Fox has corrected the spelling of Jaymz's name, although it is still hard for me to use the word "corrected" in conjunction with the word "Jaymz." Thanks to all those who pointed out that "Jamyz" was a typo by Fox. It's kind of poetic justice, though - if you name yourself something completely stupid, you can hardly be annoyed if people make a mistake and think it's something even MORE stupid. There was one commenter who thought that I should have Googled Jaymz so that I could have learned that he is sometimes referenced as James "Jaymz" Tuaileva. I think maybe from now on I am going to call him James "Jaymz" Tuaileva all the time. Again, he gets what he asked for. I sure hope he gets kicked off soon.

In related news, watching the opening sequence, I continue to think that James "Jaymz" Tuaileva's partner, Jessica, is the single worst dancer remaining in the competition. I originally pegged her and Joy as the two clunkers. One down. Other things I notice during the opening sequence: Almost everyone looks totally hot, especially Musa, over whom I can barely restrain myself from drooling. Ivan is starting to remind me of Kevin Covais, in a variety of ways. Aleks seems to have recovered from whatever was causing her to look like she had just swallowed a bunch of broken glass last Thursday. Ben has on the coolest red socks/legwarmers.

Chicken Little learns to dance?

There is no super-awesome opening group dance. Why? I mean, they all dance around a little, but nothing fancy. Boo! Then Cat tries to boogie down with them for a few seconds when she comes down onto the stage. Oh, Cat, you really shouldn't do that. Does Ryan Seacrest try to sing? NO. Learn from the master.

I think it's funny that Cat plays the Ryan Seacrest role on this show, but they don't quite trust her with all of Ryan's responsibilities. For example, it's Nigel, not Cat, who announces the actual eliminations. Maybe someday, Cat, if you work extra hard, they will let you read more things off of a card.

There are FOUR judges tonight: Nigel; drunk-seeming choreographer Mary Murphy; and hip-hop choreographer duo Cicely and Olisa. They were the ones who tried to explain the differences between Old School/New School, and West Coast/East Coast, in the context of Aleks's abysmally white hip-hop dancing. I like them - they seem spunky.

The judges are, once again, asked to reminisce about auditions. There are flashbacks of some people sucking and/or spraying obscenities. I ignore this. Really, y'all, it wasn't that entertaining the first time. Or the second time. Please stop doing it. It's okay to make the show 90 minutes instead of two hours. There's no shame in that.

Next there are some (previously unaired) flashbacks of the contestants marching into the studio before Thursday's results show. Apparently, before the results show, they were quite nervous. Who knew? We see some very brief clips of Joy and Jason post-elimination. They were both kind of bummed. Shocking! I swear, if there are any more revelations of this caliber, I am going to have to make sure my defibrillator is charged before I watch this show. The contestants talk about how crazy their days are, and I believe them. There is a cute moment when Natalie tells Musa she wants a divorce. She so doesn't, y'all.

Let's play "divorce." Then later we can play "naughty motorcycle cop," okay?

Some guest dancers do the Lindy hop, or something. It's okay, but I would so much rather see the actual contestants. The amount of filler amazes me more every time I see this show. Will the show shrink down from two hours when there are fewer contestants? Or will they have them do two dances per couple instead? Either way, we're obviously in some trouble for the next couple of weeks, when they still have too many contestants to shorten the show or double up the dances, so every time they eliminate someone, they are just going to have to add even more filler. I am going to have to take up knitting.

There are some commercials, and then at long last we introduce Ashlee and Ben at 21 minutes in. And I think of them as one of the weakest couples, but I am so happy to see them right now. I missed you guys! Those Lindy hoppers just didn't fill this hole inside my soul! They draw hip-hop, which is Ashlee's thang. (Actually, her dance style is called "poppin'," but apparently that's a subset of hip-hop.) She has lost her voice due to a cold, so Ben has to talk for her. It's sort of cute.

Their choreographer is named Tod Sams. He says his style is very inspired by the street. Ben pays some lip service to the idea that this is not his type of dance, but honestly, he looks like he's doing fine to me. At almost 24 minutes in, we finally see a dance. Ashlee definitely looks more comfortable than Ben does, but he's good too. I am starting to think they've just had bad choreography/styles the last couple of weeks, because this is fun to watch.

Nigel praises Ashlee and dumps on Ben. Mary says Ben can't help not being from the streets, and he did a respectable job. Cicely and Olisa say that Ben's only problem was appearing too lyrical/contemporary on a few of his moves, especially the turns, but that overall, the team did great. Ashlee is so cute when she's happy - I kind of love her.

Next, Heidi and Ryan draw Cuban Rumba. (Okay, I thought "rhumba" had an "h" in it, but I am a slave to the captions.) It turns out that this dance is totally new to both of them; it's more of an African-influenced style than a ballroom style. Heidi does better than Ryan does in rehearsals, but neither of them is exactly comfortable. We get a little reminder that the key for this couple is likely to be the chemistry between the two of them, which has not always been their strong suit.

I love their outfits. Ryan has white pants, a white wifebeater, and a white fedora. The dance has a lot of different parts, and there is once again some acting, which is what they got slammed for last week. There's one part where he plays her ass like drums. Overall, though, this style seems to be situated right at the intersection of what they are both good at. Nigel is blown away; he just loved it. Mary loved it; she says Heidi and Ryan now have chemistry, which they didn't before. Cicely and Olisa also loved it. Really, that was awesome. If I paid money to see a dance performance and I saw that, I would be a satisfied customer.

Ryan plays Heidi's bongos....


... and Nigel is so, so envious.

Next couple up is Dmitry and Aleks, and this is interesting because it's the "new" couple that was formed when Joy and Jason were sent home. On the results show, Dmitry and Aleks both looked like their dog just died when they found out they were going to be partnered from now on. So I am looking forward to seeing whether they will show up tonight with an attitude adjustment, or not.

Don't get too carried away by your enthusiasm, there, kids.

Dmitry and Aleks draw ballroom. They don't look thrilled, even though Dmitry is a ballroom dancer. Pretty much Aleks still looks like she wants to go home. By the end of rehearsals, though, they've loosened up and Aleks says the waltz they're going to be doing is "steamy." They're dancing to "If I Were A Painting" by Kenny Rogers. Okay, I've never heard of that, but I don't have a good feeling about it.

It doesn't help matters that Aleks is wearing a hideous long shapeless bilious yellow gown. I find their routine very boring, although maybe that's just the fact that it's the waltz, I don't know. Nigel says that Dmitry is a special and passionate dancer, but he calls Aleks the "Corpse Bride" - without soul or a center. Harsh, but I have to agree.

Mary is rough on Aleks too, saying she had some nice moments but overall it just wasn't there. Cicely passes. Olisa says they worked well as a couple, and Aleks was better than she was last week. Ouch, when that's the best you can get. It's interesting to see that Dmitry acts very supportive of Aleks, keeping his arm around her and agreeing with everything she says about how she felt good during the dance, whereas when Joy was getting slammed last week, he was obviously ready to join in. I am a little worried about Aleks's self-esteem after the one-two punch of the last couple of weeks.

Thank you, sir, may I please have another?

Commercials. Allison and Ivan are up next. I am still anxious to get rid of Ivan, so I kind of hope they do a bad job. They draw "Argentine tango." Some of these dance styles are awfully specific. Obviously, they both think this one sounds tough. The choreographer is Alex da Silva, who is the same one who choreographed Heidi and Ryan, and who also choreographed Allison and Ivan a couple of weeks ago for the salsa, which I think is when they almost got kicked off. We learn that Ivan is scared of getting kicked in the crotch during this dance. Oh, little Ivan.

This dance, like Ryan and Heidi's, involves a fedora, which is always a plus in my book. Ivan's whole outfit is very "Smooth Criminal." And yikes, this dance is ass-kickingly good. They execute the "war of the feet" portion without anyone getting kicked in the crotch, and I am almost - not quite, but almost - happy about that. There are a couple of times when Allison seems like she's about to take flight. Just high, high drama and perfect execution.

Cat is annoying, but kind of says what we're all thinking, when she comments that "little Ivan is all grown up." Nigel is all hot and bothered again. I think he needs to stop taking his Viagra before the show - I'm worried about the people who have to sit next to him (Mary, in this case). He points out that Ivan sucked in his earlier salsa, but this week he was great, and that Allison's performance tonight was one of the best ever on the show.

Mary straight up tells Ivan that she didn't want to let him into the top twenty, but now she's completely changed her mind. I can't understand her exact words to him because she's too shrill and my hearing is impeded by the fact that my ears are now bleeding. But Ivan gets really happy, and shrieks, "I just got a Mary scream! I just got a Mary scream!" He does a cute little dance. Nigel backs my assessment of Mary when he puts on giant headphones to protect his ears, but that's kind of lame because it means that whole sequence was planned.

Hey baby, I got another pair just like this one back at my place.

Cat repeats her "all grown up" line, and Cat, that's just lame - we heard you the first time. Cicely calls Ivan "a tall drink of dark water." Everyone also talks about how hot Allison was. Olisa is the only person with something negative to say - she doesn't think Ivan exhibited adequate desire to "eat [Allison] up." So, insufficient appetite, but otherwise perfect marks.

Donyelle and Benji draw "pop jazz." Again with the weirdly specific dance styles. Are they trying to never repeat a single style, or something? Donyelle and Benji are both such upbeat people that they decide they are excited about this, even though they don't really know what it means. The choreographer says that this type of dance is "Madonna, Paula Abdul, Britney Spears." So, just "pop," then? I mean, that's what they called it last week. I hope this means another cutesy teen-acting routine set to Kelly Clarkson. Sorry, I like the cheesy acting.

Yay! During rehearsal, we find out that this routine will indeed have a plot and acting, with Donyelle playing a supermodel, and Benji playing a DJ who falls under her spell. Well, I will be eating this up with a spoon, but somehow I think that it's not going to carry much weight with the judges when compared to those two smokin' Latin routines. Benji interviews that "sexual tension" is "outside of [his] comfort zone." Hm - this seems to be a major theme with him. You would think that as a professional dancer, he would be well-served to at least acquaint himself with the concept of sexual tension, even if he wants to ring-fence it away from his actual life.

The choreographer calls Benji "a little goofy. I don't think it's something that I'm going to break. He's always going to have a quirkiness to him. He's just gotta channel that quirkiness into a masculine quirkiness." Ooh, burn. Donyelle says that Benji's going to have to "pull out the sexy man inside of him." Um, there are really a lot of different ways that one could interpret that last remark. Think before you speak on camera, Donyelle.

We don't get Kelly Clarkson - we get Danii Minogue, which is like a poor man's, uh, Kylie Minogue. The first major problem I see is with Donyelle's outfit. Is she an Amish supermodel? Because every inch of her below the neck is covered, and most of those inches are covered at least twice. Thank goodness, the jacket comes off as part of the dance. It's also probably to their benefit that the plot is not that apparent. It's just a dance. It's pretty good. I'm sort of glad, because I like them, but I'm always simultaneously disappointed not to be seeing a train wreck.

The crowd goes nuts, all out of proportion to how good the dance was. This is the first time it becomes really clear to me that these people, just like the Idol contestants, must have voting fans who call in for them no matter how well or badly they dance. Donyelle and Benji do seem to be getting more fan reaction than the others. I wonder why - they are endearing, but so are a lot of the other contestants.

Nigel praises the choreographer and then disses Benji's eye makeup, which is really atrocious. Then he says that Benji and Donyelle are among the best dancers on the show when it comes to having formed a real partnership. Mary agrees and also gushes about the dance generally; she also craps on Benji's look, which she says he has no control over. Is that really true? I mean, I know they don't costume themselves, but do they get no vote in whether they wear a ton of eyeliner or not? That seems cruel, in a way that makes me cackle with glee.

Mary also says that the type of chemistry Benji and Donyelle have can't be faked, and she thinks there's something real there. I bet this makes Benji feel all funny inside, especially when Donyelle leans over and kisses him in the general vicinity of his lips. Benji is becoming a man right before our eyes, y'all. Even more than Ivan - at least no one is suggesting that Allison and Ivan might want each other in real life. Personally, I think the odds that Donyelle is secretly lusting after Benji are, well, lower than the odds that she's lusting after Nigel, but I guess you never know.

Awkward.

Cicely and Olisa agree with everything Nigel and Mary said. Olisa goes one step further and points out that Donyelle in particular seems to be able to master any style of choreography. That, so far, is true.

Cat pimps Natalie and Musa's sexalicious chemistry before we even find out what dance they picked. Natalie says she hopes they pick an old-school hip-hop style, but instead they draw the quick step, which they know is going to be really freaking hard. Musa cracks me up when he says, "Yeah. It's too many steps, you know? I have a hard time as it is trying to count the steps. And quick steps? I mean, it's quicker than normal steps!" So true, Musa. So true.

The choreographer is a blonde woman named Heather who also choreographed Dmitry and Aleks's boring waltz. Natalie says that when she thinks of the quick step, she thinks of "Yul Brynner in The King and I, just jumping around like a little monkey in circles." I am impressed and entertained by the specificity of that reference, and also by the fact that the dancers are once again referencing monkeys in rehearsal. How many different ways can monkeys come up? It's already been more than I would have thought possible. Musa says he doesn't know anything about the quick step, except it's ballroom, and again, the steps are quicker than usual.

Natalie cracks me up when she rolls her eyes and says, "The theme of it is quick. I don't know if you guys got it yet." Yes, Natalie, we got it, and it seems like maybe you've had it rammed down your throat a little bit too. Unfortunately, the quick step is unlikely to afford Natalie and Musa the opportunity to copulate on stage as they did last week, and that will automatically delete a large portion of their appeal with the judges, especially Nigel, who is a frisky little animal.

I want to note that the choreographer, Heather, is wearing an ensemble that strikes me as just a big no. She has on a tight sky-blue long-sleeved shirt, but the back is mesh so that you can see her bra. Then, she's wearing pearls, and pearl earrings, and she has ultra-conservative hair and makeup, so the sheer-back shirt thing just makes it seem like maybe she forgot to put on part of her clothes. I know it's just rehearsal, but it's still really weird.

Front ... back.

Heather makes Musa wear a "ballroom training bar," which is a medieval torture device intended to force him to hold his shoulders and arms in the proper position. Natalie cracks up, yet again. I like these two a lot; they're very funny and relaxed. (I'm sure their extracurricular activities give them a big advantage in that regard.) Musa says that during this rehearsal, the dancers are "like horses." Okay, that is officially the new drinking game for this show: Drink whenever someone makes an animal reference. You'll be plastered by the third routine, which, luckily for you, will never come less than an hour into the show.

I always laugh when my lover gets put on the rack.

The show is really putting this couple up on a pedestal, giving them a ton of airtime. They're dancing to "Zoot Suit Riot." I hate this song. Their dance seems, well, kind of slow for a quick step, but I guess there's only so much you can do your very first time ever attempting one. It's pretty blah, although they seem to be having fun. I think Natalie's dress covers too much of her legs.

Nigel essentially says that the performance was just okay, but Musa's level of effort in learning a totally unfamiliar style deserves huge commendation. He says that Heather told him that Musa kept asking to be taught more and given extra hours of practice. This is very interesting, because it suggests that the judges can be influenced quite a lot by what the choreographers tell them, as opposed to what they actually see happening on the dance floor during the routines.

I don't think this is especially fair. Doesn't it create a huge incentive for the dancers to suck up to the choreographers? Don't get me wrong, I think it's awesome that Musa has such a great attitude and works so hard, but I think the judges should be going by what they see on the dance floor, and probably they shouldn't be debriefing the choreographers before the performances. ("Debriefing" is the funniest word ever. Don't worry, I know that's not an original thought.)

Nigel kind of proves my point by saying, "Musa, I don't care if all the ballroom people in the world say you were awful tonight; you were fantastic for me." Um, no, if all the ballroom people in the world say he was awful, then he was awful. Do you think Celine Dion is going to be satisfied with just hard work and a great personality? DO YOU??? As Musa rakes in the praise, Natalie gets all emotional, and hugs and kisses him, and puts her head on his shoulder, and just generally looooooves all over him.

Musa, the day I met you, my life changed forever.

Mary, being "from the ballroom world," is a bit more honest than Nigel was, saying that Musa was not that great, but she also says that "when someone's drowning out there, do we want to take the boat and just, you know, run over you in the water? I don't really want to do that either." Uh, why not? I mean, here's the thing. Most of the time, these judges are brutally honest, and I like that. It's one of the few refreshing things about this show. But for some reason, when it comes to this couple, they make all kinds of allowances that they don't make for the others. I call foul (and I like Natalie and Musa, too, but I would rather see the judges tell the truth).

Cicely and Olisa say the same thing as the others. I wish they would switch up the order so that these two weren't always placed in the position of parroting Nigel and Mary. What's up with that? Last week, Shane Sparks got to go first and Nigel was last, and now they've reversed it. I think it's only fair that Nigel should have to go last, since he takes all sorts of liberties with the format and everything else whenever he feels like it. (But thanks to the commenter who filled me in that Nigel has a background in dance, because that really does make him seem like less of a jackass for putting himself on this show.)

Oh, great, it's Jessica and James "Jaymz" Tuaileva. They pick contemporary and they are both really happy. Remember, "contemporary" has to do with swaying around like a tree, or, in the case of Aleks last Thursday, like a drunken homeless person with a phobia of sunlight and hairbrushes. When the dancers show up at the studio, it appears that James "Jaymz" Tuaileva is carrying a man-purse. He would.

"I mean if - if you're thinking it's a woman's bag, it's not. It's a MAN'S BAG!"

The choreographer is Brian Friedman, who also did the "pop jazz" routine. He is really all about the dances with plots; this one is going to be about her pursuing him. And this is when I find out that I love Brian Friedman, because he hates Jessica and James "Jaymz" Tuaileva almost as much as I do. Let's stop and absorb some of his great wisdom: "She's gonna really have to grasp this and not turn it into something fake. It's about them actually feeling something inside, a real emotion. And with James ["Jaymz" Tuaileva], he's a competition kid, really bad hands, flimsy arms. I can't say I'm pleased that this is the couple that I'm working with today."

Brian gives James "Jaymz" Tuaileva some direction, telling him to "bend [his] knees a little, so she's not nose to nipple." Oh, EW. I think I feel my lunch making an encore appearance. I was hoping to make it through the rest of my life without receiving verbal confirmation that James "Jaymz" Tuaileva actually has nipples. Brian, you just made me love you a tiny little bit less.

They start their dance by writhing around various parts of the catwalk and stairwell. They flail around a lot; it looks like they're wearing pajamas, and her hair is always in her face. I hate this dance, but I am happy to concede that I am not objective in the slightest. I have thought she was a bad dancer since the first time I saw her, and I hate him just on principle. Yes, that's right, I said it. I hate James "Jaymz" Tuaileva for no reason at all.

PILLOWFIGHT!!!!

Nigel liked the routine; he thought it was cool that they used the whole stage, and he thought their chemistry was believable. He thinks the public will have a hard time coming up with a bottom three. Well, I'm not having much trouble so far. These two, and Dmitry and Aleks, and we haven't seen everyone dance yet. Frankly, just based on the couples we've seen so far, Natalie and Musa probably belong in the bottom three. But that will happen when pigs fly.

Mary fakes everybody out by saying that "there's an old saying called 'That put the 'U' in 'Ugly.'" Really, Mary? Is that what the saying is called? And is it really an old saying, perhaps a bit of treasured folk wisdom brought over by your grandmother from Eastern Europe? Mary follows up her tortured syntax with some more tortured faux folk wisdom, inventing her own "saying": "That put the 'W' in 'Wonderful.'" Oh, ick. I am so not buying this. I hate this couple and I am going to keep right on hating them. Cicely and Olisa liked it too. I am going to put that in a macro.

Yay, it's Martha and Travis! I forgot about them. I think they went first last week and so it has been a thousand years since we've seen them dance. They draw hip-hop, which is Martha's style, or one of her styles, because apparently she also does contemporary. Didn't they krump last week? So this doesn't seem like that much of a change, am I wrong? The storyline is the ever-boring "Travis doesn't get it because he doesn't dance hip-hop" storyline, but you can tell it's not one of those times when one of them REALLY doesn't get it.

Martha and Travis flirt with each other, but it's in a very cute, funny way. It's not as though they really want to rip each other's clothes off, like Natalie and Musa, and it's not as though one of them is a little uncomfortable with it, like Donyelle and Benji. It just seems like they're ... friends. It's cool.

The dance is cute. It doesn't involve as much togetherness as a lot of the others. Martha's legs are obscenely long. Nigel thinks Martha and Travis were not that good and have slipped a lot since the first week; tonight they danced like two individuals. She danced very smoothly and he danced hard. Yeah, that seems true. Travis says he totally agrees with Nigel's point that the rest of the couples have really stepped it up, and Travis and Martha can no longer feel comfortable as front-runners.

She's got legs....

Mary agrees with Nigel that these two are still great dancers, but their dance tonight was not a home run. Cicely says that Martha danced more New School smooth, while Travis didn't smooth it out enough. Olisa doesn't really say anything.

Then Travis proceeds to shoot his mouth off, saying, "I think America is forgetting that I'm a contemporary dancer.... I do a fan kick." He says it in a funny, laidback way, but still, he's dissing the judges, and that's dumb. Travis is not actually talking about "America," because America hasn't said anything about this performance yet, and he didn't end up in the bottom three after the krumping either. So what he means is that the judges are forgetting that he's a contemporary dancer. Most likely, he just wants the same type of consideration they are giving to Musa, and I don't blame him, but I still think it is never smart to look like you're arguing with the judges. He doesn't get smacked down like he should - instead, Olisa reassures him: "You've got hip-hop in you, baby."

As an aside, I think it's hilarious whenever they use the word "America" on these shows. As in "America voted," or "America put you in the bottom three." I love the idea of defining "America" as "the body of individuals who vote on So You Think You Can Dance."

We see the recaps, and here is what I observe: Nigel was right on when he called Aleks the Corpse Bride. Allison and Ivan were just unbelievable with their tango; I might even watch that one again on my own time. And Musa dancing the quick step? Is exactly like Jerry Rice dancing the quick step. Sorry, but it's true. Same great enthusiasm and effort; same clunky result. I really don't want Musa to be sent home, and I don't think there's any chance that he will be, but let's be honest about the way the judges are pimping him. I think some resentment has got to be building among the others.

Who let Jerry Rice into the building? SECURITY!!

Nigel refuses to predict who will be going home, although he does take his opportunity to slam Aleks one more time. Then he calls the three female judges "The Witches of Eastwick," which is really stupid but somehow also a little bit funny. Mary wins me over when she singles out Musa and Natalie as needing to worry about the vote. Olisa threatens to climb across the table and bite Nigel's neck in retaliation for the Witches of Eastwick comment. Less talking, more doing, Olisa! Cicely dumps on Aleks too.

I'll "Witches of Eastwick" you.

More tomorrow, when Natasha Bedingfield will be on. How much d'you wanna bet she wears shorts? During the dance-out, Aleks still looks kind of dead. I'm ready for her to go - she's bringing down the room. Who do you hope will get the heave-ho?

Posted by Amanda at 11:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (16)

So you think you know Big Brother do you? You've seen every season? You know who Chicken George is and are a fan of Doctor Will? Hey, that's great. Really, I have nothing but admiration for the devoted Big Brother fan. But did you know that Ivette was warned by the producers for calling Kaysar a "sand n____r"? Did you know the real reason Scott freaked out and threw chairs was because of a case of genital warts? And does everyone remember when Howie started calling Jennifer the "BJ Queen" after April said that she gave oral sex to an entire frat house (consisting of 26 guys) in one night?

"But EdHill" you say, "that was never on any of the episodes. You are making that up. You sir, are a damn dirty liar." Hey, I may be many things. Raconteur, entrepreneur and a student of history, but one thing I am not is a liar. Not when it comes to reality TV at least. All that and more did happen in the Big Brother house. But it never made it to air on CBS. Apparently the Murder, She Wrote network has a thing about oral sex and genital warts (snobs). No, all that and more was revealed on the Big Brother live feeds. Four separate camera feeds on 24 hours a day within the Big Brother house. Hours of drama and crazy stuff that never makes it to air happens and it's all caught on the live feeds. The downside is that you have to pay 10 bucks a month and it forces you to watch it using the positively evil RealPlayer. This is where TVgasm comes in. This season we will be doing periodic updates from the live feeds on the things that weren't included in the show. You'll get all the X-rated craziness, the 3 AM confessions, and most importantly, the stray shots of a naked Cowboy. Don't pretend like you're not curious.

The ground rules for comments still applies. If you want to discuss anything spoiler related in the live feeds (i.e. things that haven't been aired on CBS yet), go to the nifty TVgasm forums. If you want to contribute to the live feed craziness, e-mail j-unit and let him know you want to be a moderator.

Posted by EdHIll at 10:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Big Brother always comes back!

People have emailed me asking whether or not they should get the B-BAS LIVE STREAM. In a nutshell, here's the skinny on that. When you watch the live stream, you are entering a whole new world of BB watching. It is a completely different experience to watch the unedited lives as they happen than it is to watch the streamlined & edited footage but have to wait a few days in between. If you get the live stream expect your participation in the forums to increase, your sex life to decrease, and body odor to steadily grow. I personally prefer a Chenbot guided CBS produced navigation through the season of BB rather than the live feeds. Having said that, there are some majorly cool benefits to the live feeds, a video of which can be seen after the jump.

Caution, NSFW.

Oh, the boobtube.

To those of you who have submitted entries and have not been picked, u can still send in more! Even if you have won already and want a whole Chenspired wardrobe, continue to send in entries. We have had some AMAZING entries from some of our creative readers. But we are still looking for numbers to help us with our countdown; if you see it, make it and shoot it, simply send us the photo or video to madeyoulaugh@tvgasm.com, and you are automatically entered to win a Chenbot item from the TVgasm store. Multiple entries accepted!

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 10:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Wow. I haven't been this fired up about a Real World episode in quite some time. Sure, there was some dull stuff about Paula and Keith and mildew and flooding, but then there was Tyler. And Svetlana. And Svetlana's mom. And the burn book. And Janelle. The entire second half of this show was ridiculous. In a good way. Or actually, a bad way maybe. I don't know. It certainly incensed me. It took me literally an hour to get through the episode simply because I was pausing and taking notes so often. Tyler was out of control. Either you love him or hate him, and after seeing the way he treated Svetlana -- and her mom -- I'm inclined to fall in the "hate" camp. There once was a time when I thought he was capable of mature reflection, but ever since the Burn Book surfaced a few weeks ago, he's been on a downhill spiral -- a total high school, nay, middle school regression -- and tonight, he finally hit a new low: telling off Svetlana's mother, penning a nasty note, and essentially pulling the whole "I know you are, but what am I?" routine. I can understand some people really enjoying Tyler's brash, outspoken self-confidence, but for the rest of us, I'm pretty sure we all were left thinking one word: jerk.

We knew right off the bat that something terrible was going to happen this episode when the "Previously on The Real World" segment focused on Tyler's notorious anti-Svetlana Burn Book. For those of you who may have missed it, the Burn Book was a growing archive of Svetlana's most annoying moments, at least according to Tyler and Janelle (with a little help from Jose, but not really). The very creation of the book seemed hurtful and immature, and we all knew it would lead to bad things. Judging by its placement in the pre-show recap, we knew that tonight would be the night when the Burn Book would rear its ugly head again. I could not wait.

After the opening credits, we then found the kids holed up in a small hotel room in Orlando where they eagerly awaited a return to Key West. In case you forgot about last week, the gang had to flee the islands when Hurricane Wilma came to town, and unfortunately, their retreat to Ft. Lauderdale just wasn't quite good enough. The storm managed to kick the city in the nuts, nearly destroying the roommates' hotel in the process. Well, we assume it was the hurricane that caused all the damage. There's still a large chance that it was merely Keith busting down walls in search of Paula.

Nevertheless, from their cozy outpost in Orlando, Zach told us there were rumors of Key West being totally devastated by Wilma -- water had submerged cars, rains had flooded all the island, and giant pieces of styrofoam were still flying about the Home Depot parking lot. Sadly, Zach did not then share one of his Very Deep introspective musings with us, which meant we didn't get any dumb comments like, "It's ironic to me that a hurricane would hit us when all we were trying to do was live without a hurricane."

Well, with nothing else to do, the roommates all hung out in their hotel room and waited for the call to go back down to Key West. Man, sucks for them. Too bad there's like nothing to do in Orlando. If only there were a major theme park there. Or two. Or five, really. Oh well. That's okay though. If there's anyone who knows how to pass time, it's kids on The Real World. All they have to do is talk about each other, and before you know it, fun times are had by all. Take, for example, Zach and John who giggled about how dramatic Svetlana was being with Martin on the phone. Apparently, when they had chatted, she had said something along the lines of "I can't believe you weren't afraid for me" and "I almost got electrocuted!" Zach and John couldn't help but laugh, and when Svetty overheard them, she lightheartedly chided them, insisting that she never said any of those things. I didn't know whether to believe her or not because apparently "Fitz" had a penchant for saying lots of silly things. John informed us that she even once asked, "Is the Everglades a mall?" Oddly enough, she thought the Mall of America was a nature preserve. Who knew?

Anyway, John and Zach were having a fun time laughing about Fitz, but then we cut to Tyler, and we could already tell he was pissed. In his head, "Is the Everglades a mall" probably sounded like, "Is the Everglades a mall? Because I'm young and spoiled, and I don't have to worry about learning things like geography because no one's ever going to tell me that I have to!"

Well, before Tyler could start spitting venom (don't worry, it would come), the kids then learned it was safe to go back to Key West. Yay! Unfortunately, the island was a total mess. Boo! But at least the roomies' mansion looked like it had survived. Yay! But not the fence. Boo! Yes, Key West was a disaster area. Trees were down everywhere, junk was in everyone's yards, and any lingering hopes for Fantasy Fest looked to be completely dashed. Things got worse inside the Real World house as items were strewn everywhere and fake cobwebs dangled from the ceiling. It was then that I realized this had nothing to do with Wilma. The kids were just all major slobs.

My heart then skipped a beat as I began to fear for the fate of something very important. No, not the fish in the fish tank (although, I did wonder how they were -- probably dead or massively confused). I'm talking, of course, about Tyler's seminal piece of art, RED GOD! The house seemed to be in good condition; so chances were that the painting was safe and sound, but then again, you just never know. Keep an eye out, people. If anyone sees it in the background, let me know ASAP. Losing RED GOD would be like someone slashing the Mona Lisa.

After inspecting the house to make sure everything was intact, the group then went outside to the backyard where the pool was now filled with what looked to be nasty, black sludge. Everyone recoiled at this unsightly image, and ever the jokester, John grabbed Jose and pretended to throw him in the nasty waters. This was followed by light chuckling, and I was surprised that Jose didn't then walk off screen, waving to the cameras and saying, "That's all for tonight, folks! Thanks for having me! Goodnight!"

Tasty!

While everyone surveyed the house, Paula instead took a seat on a stoop and talked to Keith on her T-Mobile Sidekick. She was all sad because Keith was supposed to visit that weekend, and with the hurricane and stuff, all the plans had been put into question. Would Keith come down and visit? Of course. In fact, two seconds later, they were already planning a very special night out with just the two of them. Yay rebuilding relationships! Nothing's quite as exciting as the joyful optimism that comes with the "forgiving" stage of an abusive cycle.

The kids then decided to go to the tanning salon, but one problem: their car was dead -- another victim to the flood. Luckily, the group's SUV was still intact, and so everyone except Paula and Svetlana headed into town to see what cruel fate may have befallen Mystic Tan. Tyler and Janelle happily took this opportunity to bash Svetlana as much as they could, with Janelle specifically harping on how Svetty had complained to Martin about him not caring that she nearly died (air quotes) in the hurricane. Janelle explained that Martin's stoic behavior "wasn't 'cause Martin didn't care about her dying. It was because Martin knows that she was embellishing." I don't necessarily disagree with Janelle, but I think Martin's reaction may have had more to do with some sort of coping mechanism in the wake of his father's death. Of course, all this conjecturing is based on the assumption that Svetlana even said that she nearly died, and for all we know, Tyler and Janelle could be on the receiving end of a very long game of Operator (not that that would ever stop them. Rumor is fact).

Nevertheless, Tyler announced, "I believe twenty percent of what comes out of her mouth." He then added, "And I am going to make a painting about that twenty percent and call it LYING GOD!" Okay, he didn't say that, but he did suggest a new way to monitor Svetlana: CPM. Crap Per Minute. Funny, that's similar to the gauge I use for Tyler: SBPM. Sanctimonious Bullshit Per Minute. What a coincidence!

The background music then came to the foreground, which was pretty amusing since the song was about talking behind people's backs, the main lyric being, "That's all so high school!" Ha. The producers were totally making fun of Tyler and Janelle. They probably thought they'd emerge from this episode as the heroes. Dumbasses. The scene eventually ended with Tyler pondering, "Maybe we can get her to go home. I wouldn't mind." Of course he wouldn't mind. More spotlight for him.

We then went to commercial, and when we returned, we found the roomies entering the Mystic Tan salon with the help of their random forty-five year old friend. I didn't know who the guy was, but I assumed he spent most of his time on a houseboat, throwing bread crumbs to sea gulls, smoking bud and telling stories about his old friend Carl from college (who probably died in 'Nam). Anyway, the gang entered the salon and were met with the warm and comforting odor of damp carpet. And feces. And just nastiness in general. "The smells are disgusting: from mildew to sewage. It's just disgusting," Zach said, and no, he wasn't describing his hair. Apparently Wilma had flooded the salon. It was sort of like Mother Nature's passive-aggressive stance against artificial tans. It's real sun or nothing, BITCHES!

Anyway, the kids then called Ricky and let him know the extent of the damage: mildew, debris, general nastiness. It was awful. Even I could smell the dank atmosphere. Oh wait. Those were my socks. RIMSHOT! Wait, I just dissed myself. That's not cool. Stop laughing.

Well, Ricky told the gang to clean everything up, which sort of sucked for the Key Westers, but what can you do? Zach then asked if they should file an insurance claim, but Ricky notified him that there was no flood insurance in Key West. Doh! We then cut to an ironic sign that read, "Paradise. Nowhere like Key West." And no, Zach didn't illuminate us by explaining, "You see, that was ironic because it really wasn't like paradise at all, even though the sign said it was paradise."

Nevertheless, just because a cloud of depression and devastation hung over the island didn't mean that everyone had to be so glum. Next thing we knew, it was nighttime and Johnny Bananas was walking around happily in a keg costume. Wilma may have been gone and Fantasy Fest may have been postponed, but no one was gonna ruin his Halloween. Joining him in the costume department was Tyler, who was dressed in some sort of professional bathing suit outfit, and Janelle, who opted for an uninspired set of fairy wings on her back -- pretty much the staple costume for uncreative girls at Halloween.

Well, the gang all headed into town, and in the meantime, Paula was having an extra special night with her boy, Keith. Let it be known that his official title had changed from "ex-boyfriend" to "boyfriend." Congratulations! To celebrate, you should get punch drunk! Uh, bad choice of words. Anyway, the two lovebirds talked about their relationship and how it was built on not such a great foundation. But that was okay because Keith then noted, "ours hit rock bottom and had no place to go but up." Well, no place to go but up. And then down. And then up again. And down again. And so on and so forth. Some might call it a cycle. A special sort of cycle. A cycle of... I forget the word. I think it rhymes with "abstruce."

Paula then spouted off some psycho-babble about her and Keith, saying, "He had to treat me the worst way to know now that he's never gonna do that again." Yeah, I'm pretty sure domestic abuse isn't cured via Pavlovian conditioning. It's not quite the same thing as touching a hot pot on the stove. Still, they both seemed to think they were on track towards a loving, healthy relationship; so who was I to pass judgment? Okay, I'm a blogger. Of course I'll pass judgment.

"Mmmm..."

"Wow. That felt like a fresh beating."

Later on, the two met up with the other roommates, and Paula asked Tyler and Janelle if it was okay for Keith to stop by and see the house. With forced looks on their faces barely disguising their contempt, Tyler and Janelle both unenthusiastically said that it was fine for Keith to stop by. The only thing that could have made them look any more dissatisfied would have been if Paula had asked if she could invite over Hitler. Because this entire situation wasn't already very comfortable, Keith then told Paula that he wanted to have a little talk with Tyler. Great. "This will be awkward," Tyler said proudly. Awkward was an understatement. "I love awkward. Whatever," he then said -- right in front of Keith's face. Okay, even I was feeling awkward. Seriously, I was cringing on my couch.

Well, after a bumpy beginning, the two began to talk about this and that, using all sort of convenient language to avoid the words "abuse" and "violence" and "punched in the face." Keith explained that he wasn't proud of what he'd done, and Tyler replied that he wasn't sure if he wanted Paula hanging out with him. Then Keith noted that he didn't create crazy Paula; he had "inherited" her. Well, in that case, punch away! Anyway, the two seemed to connect and come to an understanding, and Tyler said that he appreciated the talk and just wanted to make sure that Keith would help Paula in her upward growth. Well, we'll see how that goes. I mean, I do feel badly because Keith does seem to be trying to make an effort to improve himself. It's just that when it comes to writing jokes, he's such an easy target. Much in the same way that Paula's an easy target for his fists. Awwww yeahhh!!! STILL GOT IT!!!

Later, Paula brought Keith to the house where they cuddled on a mattress. "Can't wait till we get to do the home stuff," Keith said. I wasn't sure what "the home stuff" was. I assume it had less to do with shopping at Williams Sonoma and more to do with wild, crazy sex. But who knows? Paula then told us that Keith wanted to get married and have babies, which sounded all romantic and stuff until you remembered what sort of household these poor children would be growing up in. I can just imagine their first day of kindergarten. The teacher asks what their names are and the kids say, "My name is KISS MY ASS!!! KISS MY GODDAMN ASS!!!"

The next day, we gazed upon the still-messy backyard, and thanks to the unsettling music in the background, we could sense imminent danger. I didn't know what was about to happen, but it couldn't have been good. Sure enough, the camera then trained on Svetlana. Uh oh. That's never a good sign. And then we saw the BURN BOOK. Oh man. This was about to get crazy. I could already tell. Anyway, since the roomies still hadn't finished unpacking from their trip to Orlando, Tyler's burn book was sitting out in the open on top of his bags. Why he felt the need to bring this juvenile volume with him during a hurricane evacuation is beyond me, but apparently one can never be too far from something that instills a false sense of superiority. Well, Svetlana saw the burn book, and being the curious creature that she is, she opened it and read all the nasty things Tyler and Janelle had written about her. We already knew this would lead to massive drama -- not because Svetlana would be so devastated by the cruelty of the situation, but because Tyler was totally going to flip when he found out that Svetlana had invaded his privacy. You see, he's the real victim here.

Anyway, Svetty told us, "The book was there; so I open it, thinking I'm just going to find a few quotes about me." Wait a second. Did she just imply that she already knew about the burn book? She was already expecting the awful comments? Hmm... kind of undermines the evil-ness of the situation, but nevertheless, I was still intrigued about the outcome. I personally thought she was going to devolve into tears, lock herself in the bathroom, and yell at everyone to leave her alone. But then I realized that I had become so used to Paula's lunacy that I half expected everyone to do that in any situation. Surprisingly, Svetlana dealt with the burn book rather well. She didn't cry. She didn't bawl. She didn't go on a rampage. Instead, she vented to Paula, saying "I've maybe embellished. I've never fabricated." This coming from the girl who allegedly claimed that her cat could say her name. But nevertheless, I understand the value of making hyperbolic statements for comedic effect (and I'll assume that's what she was doing with the cat story. Otherwise, well, I have no response really to that).

Well, Paula reminded Svet that Tyler just likes to make people look stupid because he was an insecure guy. She also warned Svetty not to open up to Janelle because she'll always run back to Tyler. And so concluded Paula's Obvious Advice of the day. However, Svetlana was still not contented with the situation and began toying with the idea of burning the burn book. Oh, Zach would have loved that irony! It is the burn book which receives the last burn! Such is the poetic nature of The Real World!

Before Svetlana turned the burn book into a flaming piece of irony, she decided to call her mom first, noting, "I usually don't come to my mom and tell her about things because I know that she gets very dramatic." NO! Svetlana comes from an overly dramatic mother?? I would never have guessed!

Well, Svetty told her mom all about the burn book and how Tyler and Janelle were being mean to her, and just when it seemed like this whole situation was heading into anticlimax territory, there stood Tyler, proudly eavesdropping in on Svetlana's entire situation. You see, Svetty was talking on the T-Mobile Sidekick, and because the producers seem to have a speakerphone only policy (better for us to listen in), Tyler was able to hear everything. And yes, he certainly had quite the smug, prissy, and haughty expression on his face. By the way, I hoped he wasn't about to chew out Svetlana about reading his burn book because he had now lost any and all right to accuse her of invading his privacy.

Anyway, when Svetlana's mom heard what Tyler and Janelle had been saying about her little babushka, she was angrier than Stalin after Trotsky had skipped off to Mexico. I couldn't quite understand what Mom was saying (Russian accent + T-Mobile speakerphone = unintelligible. Seriously, I rewound about ten times at a high volume, and still couldn't get it. Thanks for the subtitles, MTV), but whatever it was, it was not good. "Where does this woman come off saying these things about me?" Tyler asked us incredulously. I don't know, Tyler. I CAN'T UNDERSTAND A DAMN WORD!!!

A few more rewinds later, and I think I could decipher Svetlana's mother saying that the people who were being mean to Svetlana were morons and "You should treat them like low-lifes." Personally, I didn't see anything wrong with what this woman was saying, especially since most parents would probably disparage anyone who was mean to their daughter. Besides, I'm sure that when she told Svetlana to treat Tyler and Janelle like low-lifes, she was really trying to say "act above it" (it's the same thing, really. Just said in a different way). Even if that's not what Svetty's mom meant, it didn't matter because Tyler complained, "Her mother doesn't know anything about me, Janelle, or the rest of the roommates!" Well, duh. Of course not. She's just trying to make her daughter feel better.

Update: I just re-listened again. This time I heard Svetty's mom say, "I'm sure they've been abused many times in their lives because usually something bad happened in their lives." And "they're two losers" and "they belong in a nut house, that's the way I would feel." Okay, that's fairly rough, but again, it's a mother trying to comfort her daughter!

WELL. No one calls Tyler a low-life! Would a low-life ever be able to paint RED GOD? I THINK NOT! Tyler could stand in the shadows no longer. He marched out, revealing his presence to Svetlana, and said loudly as to be heard on the phone, "Hey, um, does your mom want to talk to one of those low-lifes?" Totally unfazed, Svetlana tried to shoo him away, but personally, I wanted to see Tyler talk to Svetlana's mom. As if he'd even have a chance going up against a stubborn old Russian lady. Those women don't budge!

Tyler then barked, "No, if you're gonna talk shit... talk to our faces!" Technically, I'm pretty sure Svetlana wasn't really talking shit. And besides, this is a pretty hypocritical demand coming from the guy who's been penning a burn book. Wow. I'm already getting fired up again just writing about this. Anyway, Svetlana explained to Tyler (again, surprisingly calmly and rationally) that she found the burn book, it made her upset, and now she was talking to her mom about it. No matter. Tyler was not going to accept that. He had a spotlight to shine in, and he was ready to take the stage!

"Hi Mrs. [whatever Svetlana's last name is]," Tyler said. "I actually have a lot of good stuff going on in my life. Before you make judgments, you should get the full story and listen to the lies that your daughter tells on a regular basis." Oh no he di'int! Wow. He did just say that. Clearly this accusation of being a low-life truly hit a nerve. Tyler's need to suddenly cluck about all the "good stuff going on" in his life coupled with previous boasts from past shows about all his great accomplishments led me to believe that perhaps Tyler had a massive inferiority/Napoleon complex raging within. But whatever. No time for psycho-analysis. Tyler was being a major dick and probably didn't realize how dumb he sounded. I already feel bad for whoever will have him as a boss later in life.

I also was somewhat amused at Tyler's constant harping on Svetlana's alleged lies. Okay, she claims that her cat can say her name -- fine. It's ridiculous and dumb. But why did Tyler become so enraged that he felt the need to tell of Svetty's mom? Perhaps he always wanted his cat to say his name. Jealousy? I think so.

Nevertheless, Tyler continued to harass Svetlana until finally she walked away and barked, "Get away from me! Go write about it!" Excuse me? Where would he write about it? In the burn book? Whatever. That doesn't exist. It's just one of those LIES you've been telling on a daily basis, SVETLANA!!! Besides, Tyler is not so much a writer as he is a painter. RED GOD!!

Anyway, as Svetlana hurried away, Tyler called out, "Bye Mrs. [Svetlana's scrambled last name]. It was nice talking to a low-life!" Wow. We've seen a lot of rude displays on The Real World, but this had to be one of the most despicable. You see, when Svet's mom called Tyler a low-life, it came from a place of protection and motherly love towards her daughter. Actually, I take that back. She didn't even call Tyler a low-life. She just said Svetlana should treat him like one. When Tyler, on the other hand, called the mother a low-life, it came from a place of anger, hate, insecurity, and hurtfulness. It was so truly obnoxious -- like it revealed a dark portal into his soul -- that I was way more revolted than I ever thought I would be (simultaneously, I loved it because it was great TV. But that's just the cynical viewer in me).

Well, Svetlana wisely switched over to her native tongue and began complaining in Russian (something she should have done originally, but then again, from the first episode, we learned that Tyler speaks a little Russian, so I guess it wouldn't have helped that much). "Now he will go back in the house and say dirty things about you," Svetty told her mother. Sure enough, we then cut to Tyler who was furiously writing something down on a piece of paper. "It's time for war, bitch," he seethed, perhaps confusing The Real World house for his middle school cafeteria. He then took his note and attached it to the front door. What did it say? Oh, just the typical mature follow-up to a friendly spat:

"You should have stayed in Philly, you low-life bitch! Love, Low-life Tyler."

On the one hand, I was laughing -- I mean, how ridiculous could this guy be? He literally was regressing before our eyes. On the other hand, I was somewhat horrified. I mean, there seemed to be no limit to his hurtful actions. Well, we then went to commercial break, and when we returned Zach had come outside to talk to Svetlana about what had just happened. She described the scenario (with very little embellishment -- except the burn book had now grown from four pages of evil to eight), and soon Svetlana began to sob. Big, shoulder-shaking sobs. I really did feel badly for her. Yeah, she's a spoiled brat and something of a drama queen, but she really didn't deserve the constant bashing from Tyler, and this latest incident just seemed to cross the line.

Well, just when the situation couldn't get any more Mean Girls-ish, Janelle came strutting out of the house, and instantly, we smelled trouble. She had her most ticked-off bitch face on, and we just knew she was ready to bust out that palm for some emergency "talk to the hand" action. "Fitz, can I ask you a question?" Janelle said. "Does PR stand for Public Relations or Personal Relations?" Okay, she didn't ask that. Instead, she said, "When you were on the phone, did you say anything negative about me?" Oh my god. Yes, Janelle literally asked that. Apparently, Janelle could happily contribute to the burn book, but hell to the no if Svetlana thought she could say anything negative to her mother.

"Um... you don't mind if I act like a bitch to you, do you?"

Anyway, Svetlana denied trash-talking Janelle, but the diva was unconvinced. "From what I heard, something about me being a low-life," she said, trying to sound all rational and level-headed, but clearly she was just restraining herself from clawing Svetty's eyes out. Never mind that Janelle was basing this info on inaccurate gossip that Tyler had spread. Once again, rumor is fact. I was hoping that Zach would then stick up for Svetlana and tell Janelle to stop squawking about things she had no idea about, but clearly the conversation was moving too fast for him. He can only take about ten words per minute before the ol' brain shuts down.

Nevertheless, Janelle then began attacking Svetlana, again accusing her of fabricating stories and embellishing and whatnot. She then said that everyone in the house has problems with Svetty. "It's not just Tyler. It certainly isn't just me. It's everybody!" Janelle yelled. Yes, John, Zach, Paula, and Jose also had major problems with Svetlana -- as demonstrated by them not talking shit about her behind her back all the time and not bashing her in a burn book. The evidence was overwhelming! Again, I still couldn't figure out why Janelle and Tyler hated Svetlana's embellishments so much. I mean, really. Get over it already. It's one thing to poke fun at her, but quite another to launch World War III.

Janelle then managed to blame Svetlana for why she and Tyler had ganged up on her. "You gotta think why isn't anyone else in this situation and you are?" Janelle asked. I think the easy answer to that would be because Janelle and Tyler are bullies, and Svetlana is their punching bag. That's why she's in that situation. Of course, you could always take Janelle's logic and say, "You gotta think why isn't anyone else all fired up and you are?" Again, if I may do some armchair psychology, I think the reason why Janelle and Tyler were acting so evil was because they knew they were busted with the burn book, and it's easier to lash out at Svetlana than to accept the reality that what they did was wrong and obnoxious. You see, they're not bad people. Svetlana put them in a situation where they had to do bad things. That's why the low-life comment hit so close to home. They knew they were acting like low-lifes and couldn't deal with it. Wow, I'm so taking over for Dr. Phil when this is over.

Well, tempers soon calmed down, and everyone went inside. Luckily, Svetlana didn't see Tyler's little missive on the front door, but Zach found it and was repulsed, saying it almost made him vomit. He then showed it to John, who was equally disgusted, and finally, Zach showed some small balls and confronted Tyler about it. For whatever reason, I expected Tyler to be calmer, rational and apologetic now, but instead, he snipped that Zach didn't know the whole story -- much in the same way Tyler rarely knows the whole story (like when he overhears only one side of a telephone call or like when he passes judgment on Svetlana's tales, despite knowing whether they're true or not).

Tyler then complained, "She lies and manipulates!" Who cares??? MOVE ON!

Nevertheless, Tyler's false sense of responsibility in "fixing" Svetlana reached new obnoxious lows when he told us, "Svetlana's like that bad puppy that pees on the carpet. She needs to be punished. And that's why I punished her." Okay, whoever beat Tyler as a little boy, please step forward. You've clearly screwed him up interminably.

"You are twenty-three years old. She is a nineteen year old child who we all know is immature and young and has been spoiled her whole life!" Zach yelled. Unfortunately, he yelled it at us, not at Tyler. Damn. It was a good rant too.

Ultimately, Tyler showed no remorse, even when Zach tried to talk some sense into him. The only thing Tyler regretted was never being able to see Svetlana's face upon seeing that note. "She's a little baby whore, and she deserves every tear that she's crying now," Tyler scoffed. But seriously, he's not a low-life.

Later on, Paula and Zach had dinner, and the two talked about how much they loved, loved, loved Fitz. Not only that, they believed that Tyler had a fond place for Svetty too. "He doesn't hate her. He just thinks she's an idiot," Zach said. Oh. Okay. Of course, if Tyler thinks Svetlana is an idiot, it still doesn't grant him the right to be totally obnoxious and condescending to her all the time.

"It's not his right to say, 'Your life plan is stupid,'" Paula then said. I agreed with her... and then I felt shame in knowing I had spent the past seven or eight weeks condemning her relationship with Keith. Awkward guilt... Hey, maybe I shouldn't be so mean to Paula. Looks like I've learned a little something from today's episode! Thanks Real World!

Well, with all this craziness going on, the show came to a screeching halt as we headed back to the house and listened to Jose babble on about the cleaning plans for Mystic Tan. Fascinating! Way to kill all the momentum, Jose. Hey, I thought you already said your two lines of the episode anyway.

Nevertheless, the big plan was that a professional cleaning crew would come into the salon and take care of bidness. Sounded great, right? Well, there was a catch. The next day, the kids went to the shop and called up Ricky to let him know what was going on. He said he admired all their hard work and dedication but... he was closing down shop! HAHA! That sucks! I mean, we knew it was going to happen (thanks to Reality Blurred), but I always figured it was because the idea of having a tanning salon in the Keys seemed somewhat redundant. I didn't realize it was because of all the hurricanes. Well, the kids all dropped their jaws in shock and then on the bottom of the screen, we saw "TO BE CONTINUED"! Oh my god!! What will happen!! The fate of the Mystic Tan salon will haunt my thoughts all week long!!!!

"Oh shit."

"But I was going to do Personal Relations!"

So what did you think about this turbulent episode? Did Tyler cross the line? Or did Svetlana deserve a good scolding? Shouldn't Tyler just get over it already? Oh, and what about Paula and Keith? So much to discuss!

Posted by at 7:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (109)

As noted today by Defamer, Fox announced that it doesn't quite need all of those episodes of The OC that it previously ordered, going for sixteen episodes instead of the full season of twenty-two. Mark Lisanti notes that this should end any speculation from fans "that the show will eventually recapture some of its first-season, every-episode-a-party-and-a-fight glory" but I don't like to think of it as a negative, but rather an opportunity. Josh Schwartz, now unrestrained from the gaudy shackles of "high expectations" and "executives that give a shit", will finally be able to put forth the creative vision that we know he is capable of. Ha! Who am I kidding? This thing will be over by Chrismukkah.

Posted by at 7:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

The polls are about to close! Only a few scant hours left to vote for your favorite Big Brother All-Stars! To see the official endorsements from TVgasm and Reality Blurred, click here. And to place your votes, visit the CBS website here.

Time is of the essence!

Posted by at 3:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

• So you're Britney Spears. You're a little bit "country." You just had a disastrous interview on national TV. How to cope? Sling your melons all over the cover of Bazaar, clearly. [Gawker]
• Speaking of bitches, by now they could probably populate a small nation with all the maids Naomi Campbell has smacked up. [AP]
• Speaking further of bitches, Eddie, the Jack Russell terrier from Frasier, has died at 16. Awww. [E! online]
• In an mildly amusing E! online poll, the "You don't get to call me a whore" spat from Grey's Anatomy was voted this year's Best Fight on TV. Primarily due to Ellen Pompeo's viral-video "PICK ME, CHOOSE ME" campaign. [E! online]
• Pictures from the Jolie-Pitt baby shower have been stolen and leaked to the press. Clearly the culprit is Zahara, as part of her guerrilla offensive to undermine the market value of her untrustworthy new sibling. [E! online]
• And finally, what a difference a day makes. After Star Jones's puppies-ponies-and-BFFs announcement yesterday that she's leaving The View, the situation has deteriorated considerably, to say the least. Star's big on-air surprise—the rest of the cast wasn't expecting it til tomorrow—royally pissed off Barbara Walters, who RAILED into Star on this morning's show and announced—tastefully and in soft focus, of course—that Star will not be coming back, EVER. See Clipgasm below. [AP]

Posted by at 12:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

The View, 6/28/06, ABC

When Star Jones announced yesterday that she was leaving The View, we knew trouble was on the horizon. Sure enough, a heated war of words emerged in the press between Star and Barbara Walters, and on today's show, we instantly knew things had gone real sour, real quickly when Star's face was conspicuously absent from the "Now" graphic preceding the episode. Well, just seconds into the show, Barbara Walters announced that Star would no longer be part of the program. The resultant speech was such a lovely example of poised disapproval that we just had to capture it. And for your benefit, we even included a special meter to help measure the levels of passive-aggression on display. Enjoy.

Posted by at 12:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (26)

As one of the legions of fans smitten with the beautiful Chloe from 24, it was with shock and horror today that I read that actress Mary Lynn Rajskub is rumored to be dating the one and only Rush Limbaugh, fresh from a trip to the Dominican Republic with a bootleg prescription of Viagra. Let's just hope he can also get his hands on a bootleg bottle of Valtrex as well, since she will most likely be needing it in the near future.

The only explanation I can think of is she is still hurting over the loss of Edgar and just grabbed the first fat, balding, middle-aged man with an erection that she could find. Now if you'll excuse me, typing that sentence just gave me a case of the dry heaves.

Posted by EdHIll at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (28)

"Dammit Billy smile!! Papa needs a Chenbot track suit!!!

The countdown continues and more great contributions are flowing it to win free swag. Sure an official TVgasm Chenbot store item may only be $30 on the high end and child therapy can run in the thousands; but, can you really put a price on familial pride in Big Brother? I think not.

While we here state side are at just over a week from the Chenbot, Big Brother-UK has already been underway for several weeks and clips of the series are boppin' around the internet only adding fuel to the fire that is BB fervor. In one such clip it seems the cast of Big Brother-UK, or B-BUK, have to sing some homemade anthem at seemingly random intervals which has made one of the house guests none too happy. the video after the jump.

Now I need to find a way to get BBC 4 at my house

To those of you who have submitted entries and have not been picked, u can still send in more! Even if you have won already and want a whole Chenspired wardrobe, continue to send in entries. We have had some AMAZING entries from some of our creative readers. But we are still looking for numbers to help us with our countdown; if you see it, make it and shoot it, simply send us the photo or video to madeyoulaugh@tvgasm.com, and you are automatically entered to win a Chenbot item from the TVgasm store. Multiple entries accepted!

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 9:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Last week, on the Real World / Road Rules Challenge: Fresh Meat Wes amazed us with the amazing sensitivity and compassion he showed his girlfriend, Johanna, as the two of them were heading towards an inevitable matchup in exile. And when I say "amazing sensitivity and compassion", I of course mean "incredible callousness and lack of appreciation". As annoying and dumb as Johanna is, Wes is still playing with the house money when it comes to this relationship. Of all of the things to end a relationship over, doesn't "reality show competition" rank among the most stupid? At least wait until somebody sleeps with Tonya before ruining everything you have! This week, Wes and Johanna try to save themselves from exile in hopes of keeping the Real World: Austin out of elimination for the third time in a row.

Like I said last week, I will always root for the underdog, but when the underdog is an arrogant asshole and gets so unraveled to the point of a breakdown, it is kind of fun to watch it all go down, no? As we returned this week, Wes was still worried that he and Johanna might break up over this whole Exile thing. I'll give Wes points for recognizing the problem. Apparently, all of that sun that is reaching his bald scalp hasn't completely fired his brain, or has it? In the next sentence, after hearing how upset Johanna is, he says that spite is the only thing that can make her athletic enough to beat him. I am not sure if he was proud that she would finally show some passion (or should I say PASSION!) for the game, or if he were upset that he made her so mad she would lose.

As for Johanna, she said that Wes is "supposed to be somebody that I love and trust and respect" and that she is supposed to get all of that love, trust and respect back. I was interested to see where this was going, but first the cast members decided to throw a costume party. Everybody decided that they needed a little more spice in the house, which probably means the producers told them that if they didn't do something crazy soon, they would take away their booze and cigarettes.

Since most people didn't anticipate a drunken masquerade ball, the fresh meat and the veterans were left to get creative with what they had. Since the only banned substance on these trips is brain matter, I wasn't expecting a whole lot of surprises, but just when I underestimate these people, they really surprise me. Darrell looked so funny with those goofy bucked teeth! It's almost as funny was when I first saw it six challenges ago! And there was Eric, dressed up as, wait for it...a redneck! He probably had to put a lot of thought into that one. There was also Coral, who came dressed as a pair of walking boobs!

Coral looked a lot like Pam Grier circa 1975

If she were a president, we'd call her Skankraham Lincoln

But the grand prize goes to Tonya, who dug down deep and decided to shock us all by coming dressed up as a huge slut. We haven't heard much of Tonya these days since everybody has been focused on removing the Austin cast members, but we know that something is going to happen soon. Although Rachonica is not here for this challenge, Tonya doesn't really have a lot of friends during the challenges. Her partner Johnnie picked up on this and noted that Tonya is starting to become a bit of a loose cannon, which is fitting because she has always been a bit of a loose vagina.

Tonya might be a factor later, but this competition is all about Johanna and Wes. Although Johanna was trying to pretend like she was going to teach Wes a lesson for treating her so badly, she really wanted to make it up t o him. When Johanna told Wes that his words hurt her, Wes replied that he was just trying to tell her that he wants to be with her. If I were Johanna, I would probably wonder how she is supposed to translate being called stupid means that he wants to be with her. Eventually, she gets Wes to actually say the words "I love you and want to be with you". Wes must have turned up the charm, because when they woke up the next morning, everything was fine.

That brings us to the veto competition. Hey, I know that these things can be repetitive, especially for the host, who must somehow survive without the pleasure of seeing Tonya or Tina topless, but could TJ Lavin perhaps at least try and act like he hasn't been taking resin hits out of an apple bong all morning? Anyway, TJ announced the veto competition, which had the teams trying to collect as much oatmeal as they could from two huge vats and carrying it to their own buckets. The team with the most oatmeal collected in two minutes time would win. The winner of the challenge would also score a gizmondo, which sounds exciting until you realize the company doesn't make them anymore and that it was run by the mob. Hey! Det är mänskligt att fela!

If Jesse and Johanna or Wes and Casey were going to save themselves from Exile, now would have to be the time for one of them to step up. Although the game was gross, there really wasn't a whole lot that went unexpectedly. Early on, Eric talked about the Speedo that he was forced to wear, commenting that it was an apparatus designed to keep your balls close to your body. He said that it was uncomfortable, and that would have been plenty of information, but then he decided to go into more detail. The reason why it was so painful for him was because he was a meat and taters kind of guy, and well, he had a lot when it came to the tater departments. If PETA wanted to turn more people into vegetarians, they only need to show tapes of Eric describing the size of his balls. I thought this would be my fate, but the Gordon Ramsay hot dog saved me.

The only team that attempted to do anything other than pile a bunch of oatmeal in their arms and run it to their bucket was Darrell and Aviv, but their efforts to turn Aviv into an oatmeal basket and have Darrell carry her around didn't seem to make things go any faster and they went back to the standard method pretty quickly. I was surprised that Tonya and Tina didn't do better at this challenge, but they were both surprised at how sticky everything was. Imagine that, Tonya didn't know what to do when she had to try and handle something sticky. I am beginning to wonder how she became so popular around this town.

Coral's boobs have their own gravitational pull

I can't really pretend that this challenge was all that close. Our superstar team of Coral and Evan took the prize. Coral's boobs proved the perfect carrier for large amounts of oatmeal. If only Tina could harness her ass like Coral harnesses her boobs, she might have won. It really seems like Coral and Evan are just playing with the rest of them at this point, but at least their win preserved the streak of Exiles that would send another Austin cast member back to the United States.

As the two teams prepared for the latest exile, Jesse and Casey were a little nervous. While the two of them may be fighting to continue on, they had no clue what their partners were doing. These teams were supposed to be fighting for another chance at staying in the game, which we must remember is offering the largest amount of cash in Challenge history. How can feel about your chances when your partner is sucking face with the other team?

By now, we all know hot this thing goes. The teams race through a course while carrying bags that way equal to the bags that they carried with them in Australia. Not surprisingly, Jesse had the heaviest bag. It's not that he packed a lot more clothes than anybody else; he just couldn't leave home any of this 15 lbs worth of moisturizer.

At the beginning of the race, the teams were neck and neck, but Wes and Casey managed to get a bit of lead. The first puzzle presented both teams with a diagram of an object and they were told to draw one line that would split the shape into two equal pieces. Wes, who has decided that there is no brainteaser to easy for him to pass up, simply moved along. Jesse and Johanna stopped, but Jesse's attempt at solving the puzzle was incorrect and they had to move on.

Luck seemed to be with Jesse and Johanna, however, because it seemed like Wes and Casey forgot their flag! Remember last week when Melinda solved the puzzle, only to be foiled when she forgot the flag? This week TJ Lavin made it a point of reminding the teams that they had to remember to pick up a flag at each station. Stupid Casey and Wes forgot their flag anyway, and Wes sent Casey back to get the flag while he hauled their bags along the Exile course.

With that mistake, Jesse and Johanna were able to move into the lead. Then came the second brainteaser. This one was so easy, I knew that there was no way that they wouldn't finish it, and then move on, finally eliminating the plague that is Wes from our television screens for at least another several months. How easy was the puzzle? Take a look at this:

Now, even if you were drunk and stoned, and Star Jones was sitting on your face, this was an easy puzzle to solve. As long as you know the alphabet and can sound out words, you should be able to finish this. Even if you can't speak a word of English, I am guessing that it is only going to take you what, twenty seconds?

Let's see.

First line: An blade - saw - circus

Second line: W - diamonds - pacifier

Third line: 2 - ha - bowling.

I got it! Blade saw the circus with a diamond pacifier to laugh at bowling! That was soooooo easy!

OK, so the real answer was "An accident waiting to happen". Now I know that there is a lot of pressure to finish these things, but are people really THAT stupid? Even if it took you a minute to finish that thing, isn't it worth at least trying? I guess Jesse's poor performance on the first puzzle convinced the two of them not to try for number two. Then again, they had the lead, so why risk anything? Just move on and hope that Wes and Casey can't catch up, right?

At this time, I was starting to get worried. Johanna said that it felt so good to be ahead of Wes. Surely she was setting herself up for the fall. Wes would come to the second puzzle, see how ridiculous easy the puzzle was, and beat his girlfriend, something we all think he is pretty good at. However, when Wes and Casey reached the puzzle, they also didn't give it a second look, even thought they were behind. This is something I really couldn't understand. He has to make up time, he knows the others are far ahead, why not do the puzzle?

I guess the best part about these challenges is that you can count on the idiots that are involved to make the sort of mistakes that remind you of the time you were in kindergarten and didn't get a gold star because you were only able to circle five of the rabbits in the cabbage patch and there were six in the picture. Was there anything that could save Wes from his own stupidity? How about the stupidity of others?

As much as Wes sucks, we have always wondered how it was that he managed to keep Johanna? We've seen their website, we know that neither of them are that bright, so it's my guess that, with all apologies to Captain and Tenielle, "Dumb Can Keep Them Together". We know how dumb Wes is, but how dumb is Johanna? Dumb enough to forget not one, but both of the team flags!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

THEY FORGOT BOTH FLAGS?

This was so dumb, I nearly pissed myself because I was laughing so hard. Wes and Casey forgot their first flag, and ran back to get it. Casey ran right past Jesse and Johanna. I know it is hot out there, but did neither one of them even stop to think there had to be some reason that she was running back? Perhaps she left had to use the bathroom? Maybe she had received a phone call? She had to make the donuts? OR THAT SHE FORGOT HER FLAG?

I guess not having been in exile before, Jesse and Johanna didn't realize some of the intricacies of the whole thing, even though TJ Lavin was sure to remind them. To their credit, Jesse and Johanna, who were only minutes away from finishing, went back, retrieved their flags, and finished the course, but long after Wes and Casey were able to reach. I would like to say that the producers somehow fixed this to keep Wes and his antics in the game a little bit longer, but it's not hard to believe that Johanna and Wes are both that stupid.

Even though Wes won, he was really upset that he ALMOST lost. I am not sure if it was Casey's job to remember the flag, but Wes blamed her for it. Even though she ran back herself, Wes didn't think it was fast enough, and as she was coming back called her a stupid bitch and told her to hurry the fuck up. Now no matter what you think about these people, they are partners and are supposed to kind of work together. And forgive me for being old-fashioned, but that is no way to talk to a lady, unless she just killed your dog or something.

While Johanna was never very excited about sticking up for herself, she did stick up for Casey, not that Wes was taking any of her words to heart. When asked if he would try and do a better job in the future when he is trying to communicate, Wes said that "maybe I will, maybe I won't". Maybe you folks can help me with this one. Is it worse for Wes to be an asshole right away, or make her feel good by saying he will change and then continuing on with the same act? We know that these two are still together, but I can't imagine that Wes has changed in all the ways that Johanna talked about at the beginning of the program. Let's hope she comes to her senses before she has to stab him in self-defense.

Wes might be too big of an asshole to realize how his behavior affects other people, but that doesn't mean Casey has to take it. She is now the last of the Fresh Meat that were picked by the Austin cast members to survive the game. Wes calls her dead weight, but she has had to endure being a target through no fault of her own, watch as her partner does everything he can to piss off everybody else in the game, stand by as her partner sacrifices himself into exile to save his girlfriend, and after all of that, she still is verbally abused.

Considering that they have won every Exile they have entered(mostly thanks to his behavior), Wes should be on his hands and knees that his partner has put up with his shit. And since we know that Wes will never admit that he is wrong about something, it was great to see Casey stand up for herself and give her partner an earful. Then again, when Coral won the oatmeal challenge, she said that if Wes were any sort of a man, he would throw the competition for his girlfriend. I guess we know what kind of man Coral was talking about now.

When Wes and Casey returned, there was really no surprise, as the rest of the cast is used to it by now. Coral tried to give him shit for sending his girlfriend home, but you can sense that there is a bigger tension in the house. It was easy for all of the veterans to target the Austin cast and everybody had a good time. Now they are going to have to start picking on their "friends" and this is when things start to get really ugly. And considering how great this season is when everybody was playing nice, I can't wait to see what happens when the gloves come off. If I were a betting man, I would say that Coral and Evan, Theo and Chanda, Darrell and Aviv, and Shane and Linnette will go far, and I think Derrick and Diem will be in the mix as well.

What did you think of this episode? Who do you want to see go home next? Will anybody(other than a kangaroo) punch Wes in the face for being stupid? Who are your final four?

Posted by at 9:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (33)

This morning, I was really hoping to write "Wow, I was wrong about Treasure Hunters. It really found its stride this week." But alas, this series continues to be as slow as those Brown brothers paddling in a canoe. Sure, there are neat puzzles and codes everywhere, and it's impossible to deny that charmer Laird MacIntosh, but honestly, this bad boy is shaping up to be the disappointment of the summer. To be fair, for about fifteen minutes during a rigorous and eventful trip up a river, it seemed as though the show was finally gaining momentum, but alas, it was all lost during a flaccid and uninspiring climax involving compasses and the word "artichoke." Plus, it doesn't help matters that the travel route seems to be plotted from rejected Amazing Race: Family Edition destinations. You know what I'm talking about: all America, all the time. I love the U. S. of A. as much as anyone, but when it comes to these adventure shows, it's all about going international. Luckily, there was one bright spot in last night's show: the continuing villainy of the Fogal Family. They're shaping up to be the second coming of The Weaver family, and while it will be hard to top Linda, Rolly, Rachel, and Rebecca, this pastor and his clan sure will give them a run for the money. Now, if only we could care about the rest of the show as much.

This week's episode began in the always exciting state of South Dakota. I could already feel the adrenaline coursing through my veins! After having found their artifacts at Mt. Rushmore last week, everyone had now migrated over to the Blue Coyote B&B where they'd rest, relax, and do all the other things that people do on Amazing Race Pit Stops.

For a brief moment, the cutthroat nature of the competition gave way to general camaraderie as the teams all toasted each other and perhaps talked shit about those Young Professionals. We then saw a full moon float across the screen, but sadly, Teen Wolf was nowhere to be found. Dammit. That would have been awesome. At 2:20 AM, just a mere two hours or so after everyone had gone to sleep, we then suddenly heard that pseudo Tangerine Dream music that indicates an incoming call from Lairdy-poo. Could there be a more exciting phone call? I think not. Anyway, our cardboard host told the teams that they'd have to follow the footsteps of Lewis & Clark, and instantly, my heart sank. First Mt. Rushmore, then Lewis & Clark? The Americana overdose meant only one thing: return of Amazing Race: Family Edition. Look, The Amazing Race is at the top of its game, but if even Jerry Bruckheimer couldn't make America the Beautiful exciting, I didn't have high hopes for Treasure Hunters. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: the only way to make an American adventure series fun is to embrace the kitsch value -- like Cannonball Run 2001. But I digress...

As I was saying before, the teams now had to follow in the footsteps of Lewis & Clark; although, personally, I think it would have been a lot more entertaining to follow in the footsteps of Lois & Clark instead. Maybe someone could track down Dean Cain and see what he's up to these days (beyond playing Scott Peterson in TV movies). Nevertheless, teams had to drive over 620 miles to the Lexington Mine in Montana, and to get there, they'd have to take one of nine Toyota Tundras -- just like Lewis & Clark!

"Son, yer legal pad is glowin'."

Anyway, everyone poured out of the B&B in the middle of the night and went searching for the trucks. I was shocked at all the confused racers. Granted, I know they had to match keys with the Toyotas, but still, you'd think they wouldn't be so lost looking for the damn vehicles. Here's a hint: wherever there's a giant, white light -- you know, for a camera crew -- that's where a truck is.

Eventually, everyone hopped in their Tundras, with the Wild Hanlons managing to set off their alarm in the process. Why the alarm was on was beyond me. I guess the producers were afraid a mischievous raccoon might try to take an unsanctioned joyride. Nevertheless, the Miss (non) USAs and the Air Forcers left the B&B first, and bringing up the rear were those Wild Hanlons again. Paterfamilias Pat (he of the majestic mullet) insisted that he knew the right way to go, despite the fact that he wasn't even holding a map. I guess this was the same logic he used when he scavenged in a garbage pail for Mt. Rushmore. Soon Pat and his brother Ben began fighting, and for whatever reason, Ben brought up the fact that he was a college graduate who'd been all over the world.

"Ben, you've been to Europe one time and went to Amsterdam and got wasted," Pat replied. Insert laugh track here. Seriously, these guys talk like they're on a sitcom sometimes. I half expected a goofy neighbor to knock on the car door and invite himself along for the ride. And that goofy neighbor would be played by David Leisure or Jim J. Bullock.

Well, as the Wild Hanlons continued to Wild Bicker, they passed another one of those Genworth sponsored billboards. This one cryptically said, "Look on water for it is inspiration." Wonderful. I'm sure the viewers at home will be able to really use that. We then went to commercial, and when we returned, the sun was up, and all the teams were arriving at the mine. The Air Forcers stepped out of their car first, thus prompting a very special call from Laird. He babbled about the gold rush and how people died in mines and such. That's all great and everything, but airtime minutes don't grow on trees, if you get my drift, Laird. Let's hurry this up.

After Laird was done with the random history lesson, he then instructed teams to find a hidden chamber in the mine. That's where the next clue was. Oh, and because the passageways were tight, teams could leave one member behind. I couldn't imagine that anyone could be happier than the Browns to hear that. Cut to portly Keith Brown wedged in between two stalactites as Laird tries to slide him free with the help of some butter (kind of like that time when DJ babysat on Full House. Word of warning: always stay away from the banister!).

Well, the first three teams down in the mine were the Air Forcers, the Miss USAs, and the Fogal Family. The military gang found the secret chamber first, and in the middle of it was a bucket surrounded by snakes and highlighted by a beam of light. Written along the brim of the bucket was a phrase that read, "Bend the light." Oh, and inside the bucket was a big glass orb of some sort. Hmmm... bend the light... glass orb... what could it be? I bet Laird was dying to call up and say, "OMG! Can I give you a hint? Please? This is killing me!"

Anyway, everyone got to work trying to figure out this puzzle. Well, everyone but Margie Fogal who began screaming at the mere sight of the snakes, or as she likes to call them, "Jesus monsters." Soon, the Air Forcers began to think about water refraction. This, of course, was spurred by the loud and obvious natural spring in the mine (which came with complimentary buckets). "We gotta get the water from that thing, drop it in there, and bend the light," said one of the Air Forcers. It was a pretty novel idea (and just so happened to be correct). There was no way the Hanlons would ever get it.

Well, the Air Forcers scooped up some water from the spring and poured it in the bucket over the orb, causing the next clue to appear. You see, the clue was impossible to read because the glass orb was refracting the image, but the added water corrected it. Yes, another cool puzzle that was bizarrely lacking in excitement. But hey, at least it's a step up from those painfully easy brainteasers on Fresh Meat.

Anyway, the Air Force guys wrote down the clue and emerged from the mine, which of course resulted in another phone call from You Know Who. Laird. He told them to head to the Wood Bottom campsite over a hundred miles away and then canoe twenty miles up the river. Oh, and the boat had to be in the water by dusk, or else teams would have to wait until dawn to begin their canoe odysseys. Sounds great. But one question: where the hell was Wood Bottom? No one knew, but one of the Air Forcers had a splendid idea:

"We gotta go to Ask.com!" he said. LET'S!

While the Air Forcers happily shilled for Ask.com, the Fogals also figured out the bucket clue and shockingly, they didn't empty the water out so the Miss USAs couldn't read the clue. I actually expected Brad Fogal to take the bucket of water and throw it in the girls' faces. Maybe stick some snakes down their tops too, just to get them all riled up. And then ask Jesus for forgiveness later.

Well, all three of these first teams eventually got the clue, which meant it was time for group number two: the Geniuses, Grad Students, and Ex-CIA guys. In case you were wondering what sort of rigorous thought processes these teams employed, I have bad news. The producers simply cut to the chase as we saw them all pouring water into the bucket. Okay, we'll just assume they figured out the puzzle really quickly. The last group to enter the mine were the Southie boys, the Browns, and the Wild Hanlons. As expected, it only took about ten seconds before the Mullet-heads became totally lost, looking for clues in nearly every crevice of the mine. Between these three teams, I thought we'd be lucky if anyone figured out the puzzle in less than six hours, but surprisingly enough, the Brown boys seemed to be relatively on top of it. They found their clue quickly, leaving the other two teams to twiddle their thumbs. Actually, they weren't all twiddling. The Southies were actually hammering away at the mine wall. That's always a good idea, by the way. You know, chipping away blindly at a mine shaft. Luckily they don't have a reputation for, you know, caving in or anything.

I know Bostonians love the Big Dig, but this is really taking it too far...

Sensing that they just did not have the brainpower to find the clue, the Southies allied with the Browns at the last second and learned how to decipher the next clue. That left only the Hanlons to conquer this puzzle, and if our intuition was correct, this was gonna take awhile. For some reason, I don't see light refraction up there with other Hanlon activies like hunting and mullet-making.

Meanwhile, the Air Forcers arrived at the river to start their canoe journey, and even though it was light out, Laird called up to say that dusk officially began at 5:30 PM, ten minutes ago. Oh well. That meant that the Air Forcers would be setting up camp for the night. Even worse, so would everyone else. The great equalizer. Well, that Bend The Light puzzle was fun. Glad it had no impact on anything.

Well, as the skies darkened, team after team arrived and hung out at the campfire. The Miss USAs were besides themselves upon arriving, devolving into a mess of screaming and hopping. It was sort of like the time when they each won Miss USA. Oh wait...

Only one team was conspicuously absent from the campsite: them Wild Hanlons! Yes, they were still in the mine after eleven hours. Oh, and Pat Hanlon had been waiting up top all that time. I felt bad for the cameraman, who probably was dying to just pour some water in that bucket. In a weird way, I was really hoping that the Wild Hanlons would destroy stereotypes -- showing that people with big mullets and thick accents and camo pants were not always clueless country bumpkins. Yeah, so much for that.

After the break, we returned to the Wild Hanlons, who weren't so much Wild as they were IDIOTS. Luckily, after hours and hours of wanderin' in the mine, the guys decided to employ this crazy thing called "logic." I know, it's crazy. "There's got to be something with the water down there, and there's got to be something with the snake pit down there, and we're missing it," Ben said. Missing it would be an understatement. Two hours of this, and you could say "missing it." But eleven? No, it's not "missing it." It's "physically unable to conceptualize it. EVER." Okay, that's not fair because they did eventually have a mental breakthrough (using that highfalutin logic I was talking about before). The guys finally put two and two together and decided to pour water in the bucket. Sure enough, they found their clue and headed up to ground level where they were reunited with Pat. A joyous group hug followed, with one of the guys saying, "Thanks, Texas, for believing in us because we need it!" Uh, I'm not sure Texas was believing in you after eleven hours. I'm pretty sure at that point that Texas was embarrassed and ashamed. Nevertheless, it was a happy Mullet Moment, and the guys headed off to the campsite, arriving at 3:30 AM.

Two and a half hours later, everyone else woke up and began their canoe journey. The Fogal joined together for a brief prayer. This way they wouldn't feel so guilty when they manipulate and sabotage the other teams. Anyway, Laird called up and gave another boring lesson about Lewis and Clark (as if it really mattered) and then reminded the teams that they would be canoeing twenty grueling miles. This did not bode well for the Browns. I already had visions of them passing out from exhaustion just by merely boarding the canoe. As for the Fogals, they were probably going to steal everyone's canoes, leaving everyone behind with just Margie's evil cackle echoing in their ears.

Laird then mentioned that not only did teams have to paddle twenty miles, but they also had to be on the lookout for fourteen stars along the way. Forty paces behind the fourteenth star would be hidden the next clue. And with that, the teams were off. The Air Forcers took an early lead, of course, while the Southie boys struggled to keep their balance. As their canoe nearly capsized, the guys shouted, "John! John! John!!!" But of course, it sounded more like, "Jawn! Jawn! JAWWWN!" They then added, "Get me some wicked awesome chowda from the yahd!" Because that's what Boston people do -- talk about chowder and yards.

Also having bad luck were the poor Brown brothers who seemed completely stuck at the starting gate. I didn't know if it was because they were bad paddlers or if their girth had somehow caused the canoe to become ensconced on the river floor. Either way, they were clearly unfamiliar with the subtler aspects of light water-craft transport, and before you could say "An embarrassment to L. L. Bean," the brothers had capsized their canoe. I started to laugh, but then I remembered that one of the brothers couldn't swim. Okay, I was still laughing. I mean, c'mon! He had a life preserver on. He'd be fine. Unfortunately for the guys, they had to scramble to shore as their canoe and paddles and hopes all floated away. Oops.

Fat man in a little canoe!

Meanwhile, back at camp, the Wild Hanlons were just waking up at 9:30 AM. Yes, a full three and a half hours after everyone else, and they were finally ready to take to the river. Okay, so I suppose the refraction puzzle did have some sort of effect because it resulted indirectly in these guys being in crazy last place. By the time they hit the water, they were actually four hours behind the first place team (which was still the Air Force). Oh, and after four hours, let it be known that the Air Forcers were only halfway there. Yes, this was going to be eight hours of canoeing fun, and if that wasn't bad enough, in the middle of all this, teams would have to take their canoes out of the water and carry them above ground for a three mile portage! Okay, I know this show wants to outclass The Amazing Race and all, but this was ridiculous. My legs and arms were already tired just from watching these people (well, that and I had just come back from the gym when I had watched this, but that really had nothing to do with it).

Elsewhere on the trek, the Miss USAs had dropped down to seventh place (a full two hours behind the Air Forcers, if that gives you any idea of the dispersal of teams), and now the ladies were pining for all sorts of creature comforts. "I want cupcakes and a hot bath!" said one. "I want my mom's fried [unintelligible noun] and fried potatoes!" said another. The list grew longer and longer until one finally said, "And a movie. Maybe Father of the Bride or something like that." Ooh! Quality cinema! Might I suggest Only You, the mid-'90s romantic comedy featuring Marisa Tomei? Or perhaps anything from the Jeanne Tripplehorn collection? 'Til There Was You is always a favorite.

Up ahead, the Fogals began their portage, but they opted to carry their canoe in the least efficient way possible. Instead of holding it over their heads (like the Air Forcers), they gripped it with their hands and held it low near their calves. Unsurprisingly, this wore them out in no time, causing whiney brat daughter Kayte to throw a tantrum. Did I mention that she's twenty-five. Luckily, those Southie boys turned out to be quite the gentlemen as they volunteered to help out and carry the canoe with Brad Fogal's help. What a nice thing to do. Hope they're not expecting anything in return -- beyond a patronizing prayer, of course.

Meanwhile, the Brown brothers still hadn't returned to the river. After his experiences in the ocean and now the river, Keith Brown was fairly spooked by the water and was not about to get back in. But then he remembered that his brothers were all depending on him, and well, he wasn't about to give up! I say, give him some floaties and get him back on the river! "I think we gotta try it one more time," Keith told his bros. This resulted in hugs all around, and I could have sworn I heard someone chanting "Hercu-lees! Hercu-lees!"

Of course, just because the Browns were back in the water didn't mean that they were gonna suddenly be awesome. No, they continued to languish, and soon, those Wild Hanlons passed them. Yeeehaw!! Up ahead, all the other teams were now doing portage. Those busty grad student girls decided to drag their canoe along, with one girl -- Jessica -- pushing from behind. It seemed like a good strategy -- that is, until Jessica stepped in a hole and nearly tore her foot off. Yes, this was bad, bad news. Jessica was bawling, and in an interview, she said she felt a tearing motion and extreme pain. Yowsahs! This can't be good...

We then went to commercial break, and a strange thing occurred: I wanted to know what would happen next! Yes, the show was finally picking up momentum. This extended canoe trip was the perfect sort of sequence to engage viewers. The cutting back and forth between teams heightened the tension, and watching people fall behind for a variety of reasons was exciting. It was almost as if I was watching The Amazing Race. Almost. Anyway, we returned to the grad students, who were showing some pretty damn amazing team spirit by not even thinking about giving up. Instead, the two healthy girls picked up gimpy Jessica, carried her about twenty feet, put her down, and then doubled back for the canoe. This is how they traveled -- piece by piece. I had to admit, it was pretty impressive, especially considering that someone like Kayte Fogal would have already given up.

Up at the front of the pack, the Air Forcers arrived at their fourteenth star and began digging around for the clue. I'm surprised Laird didn't call up and say, "Hey guys. What's going on? Oh, I have no news. Just missed ya." Not far behind the Air Forcers, the Fogals, Ex-CIA guys, and Southies were all paddling together. For whatever reason, pastor Brad Fogal came up with a brilliant idea. "You know what we oughta do is stop at the thirteenth star and dig there and then stop at the fourteenth star just in case," he said. Yes, that made no sense at all, and yet, everyone was for it. Actually, I take that back. There was a shred of logic in the plan. It was a backup plan in case they had all miscounted and the thirteenth star was actually the fourteenth. Or at least, that's how Brad explained it. Well, the Fogals happily pointed out the thirteenth star, and as the CIAs and the Southies docked, Brad and his family went into paddle overdrive and booked it onto the next star. Yes, the pastor had tricked two other teams, one of which had been kind enough to help them earlier. Jerks!

Now, I have nothing against that sort of trickery, but I am opposed to the hypocritical morality that the Fogals ascribe to. Oh, I'm gonna love hating them this season. Nevertheless, the Fogals zipped off to the fourteenth star, leaving the two other teams to just stare at their trail of dust. Well, figurative dust. Personally, if it were me, I would have hopped back in my canoe, raced up to them, and tipped them over. Kayte would have bawled to Jesus.

Instead, the Southies and the CIAs merely scoffed incredulously. "We've been Fockered!" Team Southie said. I'm sure it would have been a lot funnier had the Fogals been named, you know, Focker. Ah, but the Southies fixed that by then saying, "Instead of Fockers, the Fogals!" Couldn't you have just said "Fogaled" all along? Don't worry, we would have gotten it.

Well, this led to general Fogal joking as one of the guys said, "Fogal me once, your fault. Fogal me twice, my fault." Fogal you three times, and you have to SHUT THE HELL UP. Seriously, Southie/CIA mockery is not nearly as good as the Linz impersonations of the Weavers.

One of the CIA guys then came on screen and proudly boasted, "We then coined the phrase, 'We've been Fogaled!'" Yes, well done. I'm sure that will wind up in Bartlett's. Right next to Mae West and Eugene O'Neill.

Meanwhile, the Air Forcers found their next clue in a pit, and before you could say "It's the network," Laird called up to say, "You've found the key to the secret language of Lewis and Clark." Ah, very interesting. Here's a little known fact: in Lewis & Clark-ese, Laird means "beautiful bird of the sky that eats feces."

Well, the Air Forcers headed off to the next destination, Tower Rock. Unfortunately, they left behind a dirty mess, which made it easy for the Fogals to find their clue. Kind of annoying that the producers hid each clue in the same box. That meant that the first team to arrive would have the hardest time seeking the clues out while everyone else would take like two seconds.

Sure enough, the Fogal retrieved their clue in seconds and were soon out on the open road trying to rationalize their loathsome behavior. Brad said he hoped the other teams didn't expect them to wait at the thirteenth star, causing Kayte to remark, "We couldn't have waited!" Why? I don't know. But let's not forget that Kayte is a complete and total moron. Margie then chimed in and said, "We were too ahead of them... we couldn't stop midstream!" Of course not! I've never heard of such a demanding request! Margie -- consider yourself off the hook (and off da hook, Miss Thang!).

In one of the more patronizing moves of the episode, Margie then asked, "Hey, can we say a prayer for everyone else?" Sure! Why not? It'll help get rid of all that icky guilt that comes from acting evil. Margie then led the fam in a prayer, and afterwards, Brad commented, "That always calms you down a little bit." Yup. Nothing spells relaxation like relieving yourself of any moral culpability!

Back at the portage passage, the grad students were still going at it, moving Jessica bit by bit until finally, they could go on no longer. The girls all began to cry, and finally a medic showed up. Way to be on top of that, producers. The guy wrapped up Jessica's foot and told her not to do any more physical activity, which meant I could kiss goodbye my hopes of seeing a broken-ankle rhythmic gymnastics demo. I honestly didn't see how these girls could stay competitive in this game, and as I pondered that, we then went away for commercial again. When we returned, we found ourselves at Tower Rock State Park where the Air Forcers were trying to crack the Lewis & Clark code. Hey, maybe they should try to BEND THE LIGHT -- just for old times sake. Anyway, it was essential that they decipher the Lewis & Clark code because somewhere on the mountain lay the second artifact, and as usual, there weren't enough for everyone. Whoever was left out of this elaborate version of musical chairs would be eliminated.

The Air Forcers soon encountered a sign that was written in jibberish and immediately began decoding using the key they had received at the end of their canoe trip. We then cut to the Geniuses reading the clue they had received at the end of their canoe trip. Of course, we didn't see the Geniuses docking their canoe and searching behind the star for their clue. They just had it. Apparently the producers are not big fans of things like "continuity." I know nothing exciting may have happened in the search for the clue, but you can't just skip things! It takes two seconds -- just show it! Give us a sense of the journey.

Well, the Air Force clan soon cracked the code and deciphered the clue: "Follow close and to the right; look 'neath a rock as dark as night." Clever rhyme! Did Laird write that? I bet he did!

As the Air Forcers headed off in search of their clue, the Fogals arrived next and tried to figure out the code. But since they're somewhat idiotic as a team, they struggled with this very simple task. I was hoping the Southies would catch up and say something snide to the Fogals, but sadly, the pastor and his family managed to figure it out at the last second, with Kayte marveling at the stupid rhyme in the process. Eh, it was probably all for the best. Had the Southies caught up, they probably would have said something dumb like, "You can't Fogal us this time, Fogals! Yeah, we coined a phrase!"

Up at the front of the pack, the Air Forcers came across a dark rock, looked underneath, and there was a compass in a little sack. Oh, and that compass was the second artifact. Huh. Okay. Not quite as exciting as racing to a finish line to meet Phil, but I guess it's interesting in its own way. Kind of. Not really.

Well, the Fogals grabbed their compass second, followed by the Southies third. Ex-CIA, Miss USAs, and Geniuses all rounded out the top six in that order. Hey, remember the Wild Hanlons? Last we saw of them, they were on the river, passing the Browns. Well, now they were magically at Tower Rock (again, the producers blatantly skipping parts of the journey), and rather than using their nifty Lewis & Clark code matrix (which used the word "artichoke" as a key word), Pat Hanlon decided to divine the clue through random intuition. He looked at the gibberish and said, "Australian? Greek? I don't know. I'm just seein'..." (this trailed off into unintelligible sounds). Never mind that "Australian" was still English and that these letters looked nothing like the Greek alphabet, Pat Hanlon insisted that he was onto something. He even began talking about turning the letters sideways and whatnot. Normally, I'd accuse him of overthinking the situation, but that, of course, would imply that there was some sort of thinking involved.

Meanwhile, back at the river, the Brown family actually managed to arrive at the fourteenth star where they found their next clue. They were so excited to have persevered over the River Wild that one of the brothers yelled, "I love being a treasure hunter!" Yeah, how about you watch the show instead. Not quite as much fun...

In last place, we then saw the grad students walking up to the clue behind the star. I didn't know how they got there -- was it by canoe? Did they walk? -- because the producers never showed it. Either way, they weren't about to give up. I didn't know how they'd catch up to the Browns or Hanlons, but you can never overlook the power of human error. And speaking of which...

We then cut back to the Wild Hanlons who were now entering their fourth hour trying to crack the clue. Literally. Four hours. And they had a stupid key right in their hands. Fed up, Pat insisted that there had to be more than just the code to crack. Well, technically, if you count looking at the damn key as a task, then yes, there was more to do than cracking the code. With their brains absolutely fried and their mullets rapidly deflating, the guys decided to something to clear their minds: grab some grub. Yes, the Wild Hanlons actually hopped in their Tundra and drove off for food. They did realize they were in a race, right? Just checking.

Well, they may have been putting their entire reality careers in jeopardy, but the good news was that they found a Burger King, and hey, that's always fun. Pat even came across a figure eight onion ring. He joked about it being a clue, but I wouldn't be surprised if he actually held onto it, thinking that it might come in handy down the line.

"This here is the next clue. You gotta turn it on its side, and you'll find a map in the batter."

In the meantime, the Brown family arrived at the Tower Rock, followed shortly by the grad students, who I still couldn't believe were even in the running (or limping, I should say). With their stomachs full and their mullets feeling lively again, the Hanlons then showed up again, and this time, they decided to do something crazy and use that key they had found by the river. Sure enough, it worked, and the guys cracked the code. Only took them five hours. Not bad. Down from eleven hours in the mine.

Meanwhile, the Browns struggled mightily with the code, and in a surprise turn of events, the Grad Students actually managed to figure out the clue and retrieve their compass seventh. Wow. I thought they'd be last, and if not last, second to last. But certainly not seventh place. That meant it was all down to the Browns and the Hanlons. It was pretty obvious how this would go, especially considering that the Hanlons had already cracked the code. Still, some creative editing made it look like the teams were neck and neck. It was supposed to be exciting, but climaxing with a compass-hunt just wasn't a smart idea. All the momentum from the canoe sequence was gone, and by the time the Hanlons found the eighth and final artifact, it was hard to really care that much about what was happening.

And so Laird called up the Browns and told them they were eliminated, thus bringing an end to any "ethnic" teams on the hunt. By the way, could the Laird phone call be the most anticlimactic and boring elimination ceremony on reality TV? I mean, talk about lame.

Wow. What a stirring elimination.

Well, the Browns were gone, but were they really? Scenes from next week showed them getting into a fight with the Wild Hanlons. My prediction is that the Grad Students will have to leave the race, and thus the Browns will be reinstated. This show better improve quickly because if it stays like this, I'm not recapping the entire season. You're on probation, Treasure Hunters. If you can't turn things around in the next one or two episodes, consider your season pass deleted.

What did you think about this episode?

Posted by at 8:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)

So rumor on the street is that America's got talent. Hmm. Well according to this Simon Cowell two hour season premiere, if America does have talent it's well hidden. What America does have is balls. The balls to get up on stage in front of millions of people and dance with a donkey. What America also has is The Hoff. The Hasselhoff. That's of course in addition to an octogenarian stripper, lots of jugglers, Cirque du Soleil rejects, nose floutists and rapping grannies. It's no major surprise that most of the talent comes in the way of singers (American Idol) and dancers (I'm sure Diddy and MTV are out there somewhere with a reality show you'd be great for), and most of the laughs come inadvertently from The Hoff. But, hey, it's summer, it's hot and Idol is a distant 7 months away. This'll have to do for now.

So basically, this show is The Gong Show, with buzzers instead of a gong, and American Idol without any potential Idols in sight. It's actually quite funny that these three judges so easily mirror the three judges from American Idol. Piers Morgan is a British reporter to the stars who is like Simon Cowell's slightly more polite and dashing younger brother. Maybe because his record company isn't the one who has to produce Bucky Covington's new CD if for some reason he ends up winning Idol, Piers seems a bit nicer, but his biting comments are funnier, and seem less forced. You would think the role of washed up pop sensation would obviously fall to Brandy, but let's give her a break. She's like what a quarter of Paula Abdul's age and already has double her hits? And since her last album bombed while still going platinum (alright, I'm a closet Brandy fan - sue me), and she seemed pretty lucid during the show, I have to say that she's probably more like this show's Randy Jackson, because they are both black. NO! Because, while lucid, Brandy's delusions of grandeur, seemed to remind me of Jackson's CONSTANT name dropping. Lastly, we have the HOFF, who is definitely this show's Paula Abdul. Crazy. Impetuous. And to be honest, quite ballsy for thinking that he is in the position to judge anyone's talent. The HOFF is the one to watch here!

Hosting is Regis Philbin, and continuing my American Idol comparisons, it's pretty easy to imagine that Ryan Seacrest was at home watching this show jerking off to the thought of having the Reege's career.

Reege expalins to us how all of this went down: thousands of people from all over the country found there way to this audition process (none of them, sadly, found a way to their pride). The beauty of it is, the three judges have no idea what is coming out from backstage - is it going to be a singer? gymnast? Circus Clown? Who knows! So after their initial shock at watching a pregnant woman fit 50 eggs up her HOO HAA they each have a buzzer. Once the judges feel as though they've seen enough they hit their buzzers and light up their huge X. Once all three have hit, the act must end and hear their fate. Oh, and I think the winner of the show gets some money, and a touring slot with Ringling Bros. or something. Got it? Good. Let's get this shitshow started!

1. Bobby Badfingers

Bobby Badfingers is a professional Snappist, so at first I think it's going to be a gay guy or a really biting comedian with lots of one liners, but no, the name was literal. This guy can snap his fingers, like, a lot. It's actually pretty cool, and the judges love it, although I think I developed a case of Arthritis just from watching this.

2. Dave The Horn Guy

So this guy thinks he's all bad ass. At one point he goes from just playing the horns to playing the horns like a gangsta. Piers, gives him the first X of the evening, but Brandy is intrigued, especiallly when brother starts getting down with his bad self. Please. Piers wants him to perform. On a pier. Or, perhaps, off it. It's funny because his name is pronounced PIERCE, but spelt PIERS, and he used the word PIER. My mind is more blown by that then,Dave the Horn Guy. But the Hoff likes it enough - he'll be back.

3. Blue Velvet
Blue Velvet is a group of singers, two girls and a guy dressed all 50's style. Before they can finish a 2 second harmony of BLLLUUUUE VELVETTTT, all three buzzers are hit. It's the funniest moment of the night.

4.At Last

At Last is an Asian Boy Band, and for that fact alone they rule, because they say their parents wanted them all to go to Medical School and become doctors. There is nothing more satisying than people acknowledging their steretype and then squashing it. There song is actually quite awesome, and then they go into some kind of beatbox madness that makes Brandy go like this:

5.Syd the Kid

Syd the Kid is a 9 year old comedian. Yawn. She's not so much funny as she is kind of precocious. Her jokes don't make any sense, and she makes fun of fat black people for being fat and black. It'd be funny if it were humorous social commentary on the fact that some African Americans happen to be overweight. Now that would be talent coming from a 9 year old. But she's cute, which is a talent I guess. The judges ADORE her. She is funnier than most of the people on this season of Last Comic Standing , so if Stella is going to get her shot at fame, why not Syd the Kid. She's going through.

6. Kenny Shelton
Kenny Shelton is a crazy juggler. I don't know whether crazy is part of his act or not, but it's part of Kenny. I can't tell if he's being a little nutty and bad on purpose or what, but either way he drops his juggling equipment almost as often as he catches them. Piers, buzzes him, followed by the Hoff. Brandy is intrigued by the shiny objects flying about and is forced to buzz by her co-judges. Then Kenny gets very angry, and you wouldn't like him when he is angry:

He juggles the swords without incident and is sent through to the next round, mostly out of fear or injury to the Hoff.

7.Shadow Dancing

Basically these weirdos wanted to get on national television. Mission accomplished.

8. Bernie Barker

Bernie Barker is a male stripper who is older than dirt. No seriously, he was roommates with Jesus back in the day. Whatever, he takes his clothes off and The Hoff loves it:

No one buzzes until things start to get really ugly

ANYONE ELSE THINK IT'S WEIRD THAT THEY WERE PREPARED WITH AN AMERICA'S GOT TALENT CENSOR GRAPHIC?

Piers says no, but the HOFF stands up to show the crowd his errection so the know how enthusiastic is about Bernie going through to the next round. That leaves Brandy, who is looking for backup dancers for her next video and she sends Bernie through. What was his talent exactly, besides making me vomit up my dinner?

9. Alexis Jordan

Alexis Jordan is going to sing Whitney Houston's I Have Nothing. Brandy once sang with Whitney Houston in the TV-movie version of Cinderella, and Whitney literally ate her with her voice, so she wants to see what this girl's got. And boy does she deliver. It's an amazing performance. Well, it's amazing in terms of this contest. But the girl is good. And she's only 14. Which makes Brandy all misty-eyed. Alexis reminds her of herself at that age, everything form her look to her age to the tone of her voice. Huh? What? The shows not called Brandy's Got Talent, and there is a reason for that. Look as I mentioned earlier, I'm a closet Brandy fan, I admit it. But by "fan" I mean I can shake my booty to Talk About Our Love. On Moesha's best day she didn't sound this good.

10. Eddie Haskell and his Singing Saw

Eddie Haskell and his Singing Saw get about 15 seconds, before all three judges give him the triple X. He's pisst, but dude you play a saw. I'll see you on the subway.

11. Kevin Johnson

KJ has two puppets with him so Piers, gives him a premature buzzing. But Brandy and The Hoff, know better. They wait it out, and Kevin and his little puppet friends, actually kick some ass. He does this whole bit where he throws his voice while he's doing his ventriloquism act, that was a total mindfreak. Piers takes back his buzz and Kevin is unanymously put through.

12. Kathy Kavanaugh

Kathy Kavanaugh is a sweet hippie burnout, who plays the harp and sings celestial music. She's not bad, but I think that's probably because she seems very nice and I don't want to say anyting too mean about her. Piers, feels bad telling her no, but is very kind to her. The Hoff, on the other hand, laughs in her face.

13. Eric "Harry Carrey" Mal

This was the worst for me. Not because it was particularly bad, but because it was so painstakingly, offensively mediocre. Nerdy looking guy does bad Arnold Schwarzeneggar impression. Nerdy guy does bad Yoda impression. Nerdy guy does bad Shaggy impression. Aren't those like the three easiest impressions to do? And they are all bad. So the only talent this guy has, is the talent of not getting laid in High School. Great. And PS Mr. Mal. There is only one Harry Carry:

>

14. Vladimir Malachiklin
So at first this guy comes out looking like a someone from the dirty pre-teen version of a Cirque du Soleil act, and like Piers admitted later I assumed I was going to hate this kid.

I COULD TOTALLY KICK THIS KIDS ASS

Then things changed and he started doing things like this:

UHH, HEY MAN, JUST KIDDING ABOUT THAT KICK YOUR ASS COMMENT

15. Team AcroDunk

These guys are a group of flying athletes who hit basket after basket while flying through the air. Piers is not wowed, because he's white and from England. They go through because Brandy likes them and the Hoff has already picked out one of them to star in Courtwatch, a new show about beach basketball players who moonlight as paranormal lifeguards.

16. Jay Myl

HEY LOOK MY TALENT IS SNEEZING! GIVE ME A MILLION BUCKS!

Jay Myl is a Nose Floutist. Yes he plays the flute with his nose. Big deal. I play the trumpet with my ass after a good Mexican dinner. You don't see me heading to Taco Bell and to meet Brandy, do you? The only entertaining part is that when they triple-X Jay he goes nuts and starts yelling at all the judges, basically calling them talentless. Piers is British so he doesn't care; Brandy starts pulling out her Platinum albums and Grammy's, promising new material soon; The Hoff gets the most upset so he puts on a red swimsuit and runs across the stage in slowmotion while singing in German and cheating on his wife. TAKE THAT NOSE FLUTE!

17. Betty Victor
Let's just say that Betty Victor is as good a singer as you would think she is from this picture:

NEXT!

18. The Boofant Sisters

I Can't tell if they are women or men in drag - but who hasn't made that mistake, right? Oh, just me? Awkward... The judges agree that they put on a good show. But they aren't right for THIS show. Unlike the 293728 year old male stripper.

19. Ivan Pecel

Ivan thinks he's a really good juggler. Which he is I suppose. But he's really cocky about the whole thing. So he's quite shocked when this happens:

The Hoff hates him and hates jugglers. That's not talent, he says. The Hoff tells his co-judges that if they let this guy through it'll be ruining the integrity of the show. Umm, what? Piers is on the fence. Brandy likes Ivan, even though he's a douchebag, and she astutely reminds Piers that this show is about showcasing talent, and Ivan's talent happens to be juggling, which he happens to be good at. Piers is convinced and Ivan is put through. The Hoff is so ticked off that he jumps into KITT and takes a lap around the parking lot to cool down.

20. Nathan Burton
I still can't figure out what this guy's talent is. Is it winning big on Win, Lose or Draw?

Or Microwaving himself?

Oh no! Now I got it! It's doing what Kevin Federline hasn't been able to accomplish in 25 years! Making himself Black!

21. Holy Cow

The only reason I'm even commenting on this is to call it Bovine Bullshit.

22. Michael Speaks

Michael Speaks is a Gospel singing God in training. Unlike Mandisa he doesn't offend anyone, and the judges love him. But as much as these people:

23. Vladik Miagkostoupov
Despite his Tarzan outfit and the fact that he is once again a juggler, Vladik is pretty good. You see he's not a regular juggler, he's a sprite-like juggler who throws thing while dancing lyrically. Even the Hoff who is juggling averse can't help but be intrigued.

VERRRRRRY intrigued:

24. Wild Life Wendy & Wazoo

I didn't know being a crazy bird lady was a talent. Unfortunately, the judges seem to agree.

25. JR Johns & His Best Friends

I didn't know bestiality was a talent. Unfortunately, the judges seem to disagree.

26. S. Frank Stringham

S. Frank's talent is making balloons. No, literally, his talent is blowing up balloons. And making an ass out of himself. So I guess he has two talents. The only thing that is funny about this is that he makes a balloon replica of Reege. I have a feeling Kelly Ripa is going to find a little surprise in her dressing room on Monday.

27. Rapping Granny

It doesn't matter that I hated the Rapping Granny. America loves her! Sure, her raps aren't her own, her hook isn't her own, and all she's doing is screaming, she's old and old people are cute! Umm, no they're not. They're old and mean and they smell bad. Yeah, I think my grandmother is THE cutest lady in the world, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to prance her off on stage in front of the whole world. But it doesn't matter because the judges can't get enough.
The Hoff Loves her!

Brandy Loves her!

And this is where Piers tells her that SHE is what THIS competition is ALL ABOUT!

And I shed two tears. One for my immortal soul, which has just been crushed, and another for America.

Posted by Umnata at 4:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Forget all the previous episodes of Hell's Kitchen, because last nights episode was one for the ages. The show finally hits it's stride. I'm sure there were some skeptics, like sg-dub, who criticized the fact that most of the contestants couldn't cook their way out of a paper bag and hence would make uninteresting candidates for a reality show about cooking. Yeah well, Santino made shitty dresses but we all still loved him. But all critics were silenced last night in what had to be one of the best episodes of the season. Gordon has his biggest blow up yet, Tom gets even more sweaty, and Sara becomes one of the big breakout villains of the summer reality season. Like a big breasted Lex Luthor. In fact I would have to say that it was the best episode... IN THE HISTORY OF HELL'S KITCHEN!!

The episode begins with our intrepid narrator telling us "And now, the continuation of Hell's Kitchen", which is always helpful for the viewer. It keeps us from confusing it with a reenactment of Hell's Kitchen like Beatlemania, or those nerdy Star Trek fan films. Nope, as we have been told, this is THE Hell's Kitchen. And it continues. I need me one of those narrators in my life. "EdHill slowly gets out of bed. It is 6 AM and he is clearly groggy. He rubs his eyes, and decides to stand up. He continues t breathe, thus converting oxygen into c02, a vital component of photosynthesis." and so on and so forth. I could just hire some kid straight out of college. It'll be more of an unpaid intern position, but it's a good start for those trying to make it in the narration business. Even Morgan Freeman had to pay his dues. I'm accepting applications so email me at EdHill@TVgasm.com. Please be drug free.

But I digress. After Tom's nomination last week, we start the show with more of his empty, and therefore quite amusing, threats. "These guys pissed me off now. I'm gonna make them feel stupid that they nominated me." he warns us. How's that Tom? Are you going to all of sudden do a really bad job and hurt the team? Cuz it's kind of a situation of "been there, done that". Tom's method of dealing with the nomination is to tell them that it's a bad idea to put him up for elimination because he "has their back". Which is street lingo in Tom's neighborhood for "I'm a shitty cook and I burn everything." In his confessional Tom tells us that if he gets kicked off of Hell's Kitchen he's got "nowhere else to go". How very Officer and a Gentlemen of him. Does this mean Dewberry is going to walk into work and sweep him off his feet at the end of the season? OK, I see how Gordon is Louis Gossett JR., but who gets to be the crazy dude who swallows his girlfriends engagement ring and hangs himself? Oh god, I hope it's Sara.

Ton continues his confessional; "I'm 43 and this is my fourth career I've gone into, there's no more changing careers. This is it." Well, its nice to know he's gambled his entire future career on whether he wins a reality show or not. That's good planning. I wonder what he'd be like on Blind Date. Outside with the girls Tom displays his sensitive side (remember this is the show where Larry is the closest thing to a "ladies man"). No one has given up as much is has, he tells them. "I bring a lot more to the table than a 21 year old kid" Tom tells them. Yes, I'm sure a 43 year old former stockbroker brings a lot to the table. It's just that what he brings is useless when it comes to cooking BLOODY RISOTTO! Something tells me that Tom was one of those stockbrokers that thought buying pets.com stock was a slam dunk. When the girls lash out at him for his selfish comment he comes back and tells them "It's a game!!". Exactly. A game that you just bet you're entire future career on. Therein lies the rub.

The next morning we see the results of the carnage from the last elimination. It's 5 to 3 with the women leading the way. This leads Gordon to start reaming out the boys. OK, bad choice of words. Gordon yells at them. Then Gordon singles out Rachel, Heather and Sara as the leaders of the team. This leaves us with a frantic Veronica highly offended. I mean, hello, she has gigantic tits! Isn't that supposed to be enough? Good lord what is this world coming to. Women judged on merit and skill?!. I'm glad John Wayne isn't alive to see this. (I kid! I kid! )

Gordon turns to the blue team and tells them that he is going to give them a leader. "Heather" he says and then we see a look of shock come over Heathers face. Considering what she has been given to wok with its hard to argue. She just better not cross Tom. He's got her back you see. Sara is so overcome that her main rival is gone she can't find enough metaphors to describe her feelings. "I'm very much able to take the reigns. This is the time, the time is now." Well, at least she didn't say she was giving 150 percent, but at this point in the show that's kind of assumed.

Gordon then says he is going to take them to the most successful restaurant in Los Angeles. As he walks them down the street outside we get all the kiddies with visions of Spago's dancing through their head. Wasabi pizza for everyone! But no, Gordon pulls the oldest reality trick in the book and takes them to.... A hot dog joint! Somewhere, Trump smiles. Yes, it's the legendary Pink's, the busiest hot dog joint in Los Angeles. Everyone smiles and orders the "Gordon Ramsay" dog special (which we now know DOES NOT EXIST!)

An anniversary of LIES!!!!

Tom then steps it up and says that when he was in college he worked at a hot dog place. Gordon tells him to get behind the counter and make Keith his chili cheese dog. This makes Keith a little nervous, as you can tell from his face that the man is really looking forward to his hot dog. Tom takes the hot dog experiment as a life lesson. "There isn't one dish that we make in Hell's Kitchen that is any more complicated than this, and im gonna try to take that into tomorrows service." Slow cooked pumpkin risotto, chili cheese dog. Two sides of the same coin really. Maybe Tom will surprise Gordon and put some sauerkraut and mustard on the Risotto tonight.

Screw the risotto. Get me one of those bad boys

He knows what I'm talkin about

Now that the women are eating hot dogs its time for some awkward penis metaphors! "Chef your dog is delicious" Sara says while giving out a world class "tee hee". Then we cut to Virginia. "I didn't try a chef Ramsay dog but I'm sure it's spicy and hot, just like he is." Unabashed fellatio jokes on national television. The best part is reading Veronica's bio on the Hell's Kitchen website, we see she is a newlywed. What a lucky guy.

When they are finished with their giant penis metaphor party (funny story, I went to high school with a girl who drove the Oscar Meyer Wiener mobile. She has now used that experience and become a stand up comedian. Shillgasm!), Gordon tells them that for the first time in the history of Hell's Kitchen... they are going to be doing a lunch service. And they have only two hours to get it started. So they better run back to the restaurant right....now! Everyone starts frantically sprinting back. Everyone that is, except Keith. Since he weighs about 350 pounds and just ate a chili cheese bacon dog that would make Paula Deen blush, he is separated from the pack. "I didn't want to run back. I walked and I jogged. And I waked and I jogged. That's how K-grease rolls".

Morbid obesity. It's how K-Grease roll's!

With only two hours to learn the menu, everyone is somewhat relieved to learn that it's a rather simple one. Almost...too simple (cue ominous music). "Pizza, hamburgers and French fries" Rachel says, "how hard could that be?". Oooh, I love foreshadowing! "Customers do not wait for lunch" Gordon barks at them. "I am looking for speed and quality". Then he unleashes the twist. A bunch of kid's race into the restaurant. Shit, I hope they don't have a thing for pumpkin.

As the chefs, and Tom, all frantically start their service, Heather takes the reigns (man, even I'm making bad metaphors now. It's like I've gone crazy. Crazy like a fox!) and starts barking out orders, to the delight of the clueless Tom. In the restaurant the kids are busy screaming and playing games of Tic-Tac-Toe, the game that even the W.O.P.R. knows you can't win. But the true joy of the lunch service is that this means Gordon can't swear. Think of these kids as walking kryptonite. Adorable walking kryptonite (two Superman references in one recap. Can you tell what movie I'm going to see tonight?). "Move your bottoms!" he says. And then follows that up with "and by that I mean move your ass". Then he pauses and looks at one of his chefs. "I can't do it without fucking swearing". Cut to a confused child asking Jean Philippe what "fuck" means.

The object of the day's lesson is to complete the service. And as an added bonus we see that the producers have populated each table with pixie sticks. Absolute pure sugar. My hat is off to you FOX. In the kitchen things do what the usually do. They fall apart. Sara cuts her hand and acts bitchy to anyone that tries to help. When Garrett tries to help Tom setting up a Caesar salad, Tom grits his teeth at him and gives him one of his patented angry sweaty looks. Heather is annoyed that the men can't get over their macho posturing and tells us that she is ready to "break some heads". While heather is taking over the men's team, there is a power struggle over on the women's team. Sara is being crowded by Rachel, but Rachel tells us that it's because Sara was behind and refuses to ask for help.

Out in the dining room, the narrator tells us that ten minutes in, the diners are getting restless. Then we cut to some FOX segment producers force feeding the kids Red Bull and ephedrine and then spinning them around. Anything for ratings. And seriously, were these kids ever going to be calm and aloof? What kind of 9 year kid isn't restless?

Man boobs. It how K-grease rolls.

As the food is beginning to be served things start to pick up. As with every week on this show, just when everything appears to be on track things go horribly awry. Sara serves Gordon pizzas that are not round. Did you here me? THey were NOT ROUND! They are square. Sara offers to redo it but Gordon says that she doesn't have to. They are just children. Children that have just eaten a pound of sugar per person so their palates aren't going to really notice the pizza shape problem. I mean if they still think their own boogers is a refreshing midafternoon snack, I doubt they'll complain about any of the food that Hell's Kitchen will give them. And that includes Tom's sweat. Gordon tells her that in the future she needs to pay them more respect in the form of a rounder pie. Chef Ramsay's puts the pie on the plate looks at it and says "Two square pizzas for the first time in Hell's Kitchen". Whoa. Was the narrator asleep at the switch there? That's his line, thank you very much. Do we have even more power struggles to deal with? Sara meanwhile is stewing since it was Rachel who rolled the pizzas in the first place. Square pies. It's how Rachel roll's.

Disrespecting the children

From here the service comes down to who can finish. We get a big final countdown as the number of tables needing to be served drops from 5 all the way to 0. That's right, for the first time in Hell's Kitchen, season 2, a full meal service is competed for both teams. There is joy in Mudville. Everyone in the kitchen celebrates. And outside in the dining room Jean Philippe get's covered in silly string. Oh Jean Philippe!

When it comes time to pick a winner. Gordon says it will be based on the kids ratings from 1-10. Red kitchen scored a 9.85. But they rated the blue kitchen a 9.85. Damn Rachel and her square pies! As losers, the red team is given the task of cleaning the dining room, which is covered in silly string, sparkles and the sugar filled vomit of thirty 9 year olds. It's like Neverland Ranch on a Saturday morning. As they begin to clean Sara muses the "string is no longer silly". So true. So true. Then she starts playing around with the helium. All this drives Rachel nuts. "Nothing gets through to her" she whispers to herself. Well of course not. It's because she HAS NO SOUL!

Meanwhile Chef Ramsay has given the men the world's worst Hell's Kitchen reward in the hist- oh you get the picture. It's a day at a crappy amusement park pier. Gordon doesn't even show up. While they are out there K-grease makes his move. He tells Heather it would be perfect if it was her and heather in the final two because then it would be just H K. Get it! Heathers mind is blown away. She even gives Keith a "what what". That's how she rolls.

Meanwhile back in the kitchen, Sara continues her mental breakdown. She uses the spray bottle to pretend like she is peeing in the floor, with the requisite accompanying high pitched "wee wee" sound to really complete the whole illusion. When Rachel asks why she thinks it's so funny, Sara just comes back and says "Oh I don't think it's funny, I just think you're a bitch". Her insults are not as subtle as her comedy. Rachel, missing the perfect opportunity for a devastating "I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you" rejoinder, just looks at her. When Mary Ann, one of Gordons chefs sees this she takes matters into her own hands and breaks things up, Ramsay style. She grabs what's left of the giant cake and hurls it to the floor. Take that you donkeys!

The next morning the narrator tells us that in her second day of leading, Heather is pulling up more than the men's morale. No, it's not a horrible erection Joke, this isn't Kill Reality (before you click, you've been warned ) . She is just helping K-Grease tie his pants up so his giant ass crack doesn't show. Garrett is psyched and declares that they will not lose this nights service. Heather is their secret weapon. On the women side things are quiet, the narrator tells us. "too quiet". In a big contrast to the blue teams confidence, Sara then boldly declares that yes, they will lose tonight. That's the spirit!

When they are brought before G-Ram, he tells them that for the first time in the history of Hells Kitchen, the ice machine is broken. Since red team lost the days challenge, whenever they need ice, it will be their job to go and get it. Soon the dining room is chock full of hungry out of work actors waiting for their moments, On the women's side, Rachel is waiting on Sara to finish cooking scallops to complete her first dish. Scallops by the way, take about 3 minutes to cook.

When Rachel asks Sara for the scallops Sara looks at her and says they will be ready in "2 seconds". Moments later Gordon comes up and asks Sara if the scallops are ready. Sara says "I'm just waiting for her call Chef" pointing to Rachel. Wow. For the first time in the history of Hells Kitchen, one of the chefs is blatantly stabbed in the back! The narrator meanwhile simply calls it a "miscommunication". Kind of Like Hitler invading Poland. For the first time in the history of Hell's Kitchen the narrator doesn't call it like he sees it, and For the first time in the history of watching Hell's Kitchen I am disappointed. At this point you think I've worn out the "For the first time in the history of Hell's Kitchen " joke? Yeah. I didn't think so either.

After Gordon yells at Garrett for not tasting his food before he plates it (no salt in the risotto!), he then lays into Rachel for her sticky risotto. Risotto, Gordon tells her, relaxes on the plate and flows like lava. Gordon even shows her his physical interpretation of flowing lava. It involves lots of finger movements. She has to start over from scratch. On the men's side Garrets second attempt at risotto is a success and Gordon lets it go out. Things don't go so well for Rachel. Her second attempt at risotto is now too relaxed. It's a little too Lebowski when all he was looking for was a touch of Spiccoli. Rachel tells us that being told her risotto is not up to par is a humbling experience. The risotto has humbled her.

Lava!

Back in the dining room, our out of work actors pounce. We get a returned cold spaghetti which is then thrown back in Garrett's face. Gordon's threatening to have him thrown back in jail for cold spaghetti (California penal code section 311-312.7. Look it up), he says it just motivates him to work even harder. The last thing you want to do is explain to your cellmate that you're there for cold spaghetti.

And you know he think's he's the "funny one"

In the women's kitchen Veronica is working with Sara to get her entrees ready. When Veronica asks her how close she is to getting the turbot and tortellini ready, Sara clearly tells her that she is just waiting on her call. With that information in hand Veronica brings her plates up Gordon who then asks where the Turbot is, just as I am asking to myself what the hell a Turbot is ( It's actually a fish ). Gordon then turns to Sara and tries to get confirmation. "Where is the Turbot?" Sara looks him straight in the eye and says that she hasn't started it yet. Wow. Sara once again stabs another chef in the back. This is good TV. Oh but we're not done dear reader. When Gordon hears that the turbot is not ready he turns to Veronica and blames it on her. When Veronica tells him that Sara specifically told her that the turbot was ready (a point hammered home by a quick flashback to Sara saying exactly that), we get another glimpse of Sara with a shit eating grin on her face. She is a lying, backstabbing machine. Sadly Gordon Ramsay has about as much sense as the referees of the U.S. vs. Italy World Cup match and completely blows the call. He accuses Veronica of being the one that is lying to him. He accuses Veronica of being the one there to screw the rest of the team. Veronica tries to get a word in edgewise but to no avail. And then we get another glimpse of Sara and her evil smile. Now is when Gordon needs his magic blurred headphone to pull it's weight and tell him the truth! And to drive the point home even further, we get Sara in her confessional flat out admitting that yes, she deliberately lied and sabotaged Veronica. "Yeah, well so what?" is her response. She thinks it's great because the net result is Chef Ramsay now doesn't like Veronica, which is what she wanted all along. Wow, I haven't felt hate for a reality show contestant like this since Ivette from BB6. Its still not in the same league, but its not bad.

Meanwhile on the mens team, Tom has had an hour to prepare an order of quail yet still doesn't have it ready. And now the Wellington is too pink. I don't get it. It's like cooking a hot dog! What's his problem? On the women's side their quail is coming out with too many bones in it. Gordon then looks at Rachel and tells her to "fuck off and go get some ice". Oh snap! That's worse than being called a plank! Oh wait, he actually meant go get ice. My bad. I feel like such a donkey.

Back in the kitchen its time for some Tom bashing. My favorite part of the season so far. Gordo is working himself up into a huge lather about the missing quail from the order from an hour ago. When Tom says he's got quail ready to go, Gordon slams his fist down "That's for THAT order!" pointing to another order on the line. As Tom mopes back to his station Gordon just keeps at him. "You're not bothered are you? It doesn't hurt does it?" Tom just says He will do what he's got to do. Then, as if on queue, the plate he is cooking on bursts into flames. Gordon can't believe his eyes, and neither can I. "You're cooking on a burned pan!" he yells at him. Tom's method of trying to put out the fire? Blowing and/or sweating on it. This just gets Gordon even more riled up. Gordon then simply takes the pan off the burner and the fire goes out. Gosh, who would've thought that if you take the source of heat away from a flame, the flame goes out? Gordon is like a freaking MacGyver with his knowledge. After the plate goes out he calls Tom a donkey yet again. He moves Keith onto the meat section and tells Tom to not cook a thing and just watch Keith. "Got that, donkey?" Tom says to Keith snidely. Keith then gives him a look that clearly says that is not the way he rolls.

On the women's side we see Rachel on her trek to get the ice. Unfortunately she has forgotten one big part of the equation. Money. Money you see, is needed for the exchange of goods and services. We see her in the bodega down the street pleading with people to let her have the ice for free. As she drops to her knees to beg, we cut to her saying she will do "whatever I have to do" to get things done. Good lord this is the most sexually explicit season in the history of Hell's Kitchen! As Rachel is racing back to the restaurant she trips on the street and the ice goes flying. Man this show is good.

Just close your eyes and find your happy place Rachel. It'll be over soon.

Back in the restaurant the patrons are horrified when they see Rachel lugging ice instead of cooking their free meals. Oh do give it a rest you freaking donkey planks. In the kitchen, after reaming out Veronica for an undercooked Wellington, Gordon then notices that Rachel has been glazing the Wellingtons all night with..... egg whites! No yolks! Well from the look on his face she might as well have been glazing them with the urine if a serial killer. He lines all the women up and yells at all of them. He even once again calls out Veronica for lying about the turbot., followed with another glimpse of Sara and her evil shit eating grin. OK, at this point I know FOX is playing it up. For all I know that's a clip of her laughing at Gordon calling someone a cardboard box or something, but still, it works. My hatred boils over. Sweet reality show hatred. I feed off it like a vampire. "Fuck the lot of you!" he screams. But he's just getting warmed up. He brings both the men and ladies together and says he had enough. He then hurls his apron in Tom's face, who cowers like a little bitch. This must be his 'street" look. Then Gordon does it. He shuts it down. And he does it so forcefully he doesn't even have to say "shut it down". He says it with his body language. Or maybe he did say it but he said fuck between every word so the whole damn thing was bleeped out. Regardless, he tells each team to go back and pick someone to be nominated.

Back in the apartments, Veronica is sitting there with a broken heart because Her Gordon called her a liar. Sara just sits there in her smarmy passive aggressive way and says "Sorry I made you look like a liar but you don't learn without making mistakes". In the madness of the kitchen, no one has caught on to the fact that she is deliberately sabotaging everyone else on her team. On the men's side its obvious Tom has to go. Heather, K-grease and Garrett are all in agreement. But Garrett says that Tom is a salesman and will try and talk his way out of it. Cut to Tom alone in the kitchen practicing his CYA speech. "I like that piece of gum that's stuck to the bottom of your shoe that you just cant get rid of". Yes, he's quite the salesman all right.

On the women's side, Veronica is falling apart under the stress. She basically tells everyone that she should be nominated, or maybe Mirabel. What? Mirabel then pushes it off on Rachel. Meanwhile Sara sits there silent and it looks like she may be getting away with her evil plan.

Finally they are all brought before Ramsay. He calls them all fast food chefs. But he doesn't have a fast food restaurant to give away. He has a million dollar restaurant in a billion dollar hotel. So the Santa Fe Gordita, while delicious beyond words, is not what he is looking for. On the blue team he picks Keith as the best of the group and asks for their nomination. Obviously they go with Tom. Then Gordon turns to the red team and chooses....Sara as the best in their group. "You showed some initiative". Goddamit FOX, why give Gordon a giant earpiece if you're not going to use it! Sara is the rat! Not surprisingly, Sara picks Veronica, the woman she repeatedly stabbed in the back all night. Gordon however is amazed at Sara's pick. He thinks that Rachel should have be the one to go.

When its time to give their speeches tom gives his usual "you will not break me, you will not make me leave" schpiel. Veronica however goes another way. She tells the Ramdog that if he feels that she doesn't deserve to be here the he should send her home. Then she starts crying. OK, not the best approach but whatever.

"Are you happy now Rachel" Gordon says. Yeah are you happy, you made Virginia cry! Rachel one ups him by offering to take her place. But c'mon, we all know what's gonna happen here. Tom is a freaking disaster. He is sent packing and we hear Tom say that now that he needs a job. Well, America's Got Talent is auditioning down the street. See you in a few months my good man! I guess Tom was right after all. He really showed them! Garrett looks so embarrassed right now!

After Tom leaves, we hear Rachel say that chef had some 'choice words for me". I guess you can say that. If calling you a "fucking loser" is "choice". Back in the kitchen before he lets everyone go for the night, Gordon looks at them and says "I'm not giving up on you guys but don't give up on me." Huh? That doesn't even make sense. But it's Gordon Ramsay, he doesn't have to make sense. He just is.

And with that the episode ends. On the preview for next weeks episode, the narrator tells us that us celebrity time at Hell's Kitchen, only they keep the celebrity a secret. Maybe it's Celine Dion looking for a double chili cheese bacon dog from Pink's, because we all know that's her favorite.

So what did you think? Was this the best episode so far? Will Sara get what's coming to her?

Posted by EdHIll at 4:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (35)

Is it curtains for MTV's beloved couple, Melinda and Danny? According to E! Online's gossip maven, Kristin, the duo have parted ways:

I'm unhappy to report that Johanna and Wes are still together and going strong. However, I do have some big breakup news for you: The gossip train tells me Melinda has dumped Danny! I don't know if it's a temporary thing, but a reliable source says, as of now, they're no longer engaged.

We're still waiting for verification of this story, but I wouldn't be surprised if Danny expressed interest in dating other short brimmed hats. No word on whether or not he will now have to return the diamond ring donated to him by Sharpie. I'm sure Zales will gladly take it back, no questions asked.

Posted by at 3:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (22)

Hell's Kitchen, 6/26/06, FOX

Just SHUT IT and watch, you DONKEY!

Posted by at 2:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

The Project Runway 2 DVD comes out today, and to help publicize the event, Santino Rice -- famed nemesis of Nina Garcia -- will be signing copies in Los Angeles. Want to know when and where? Let's have Santino explain, shall we? [via MySpace]

TUESDAY, JUNE 27TH AT 8:00 P.M. ADMISSION FREE VIDIOTS will celebrate the DVD release of Project Runway Season 2 by hosting SANTINO RICE for an evening of fun, fashion and behind-the-scenes gossip along with clips from Season 2. DVD copies of Project Runway Season 2 will be available for purchase. SANTINO RICE, the emerging youthful fashion talent and former contestant on Project Runway most recently appeared on the MTV MOVIE AWARDS as well as created MTV's own SuChin Pak's dress for the Red Carpet. Keep an eye out for SANTINO in the August issues of Details and ELLE magazine. Admission is free on a first come first serve basis. Make sure to reserve your copy of the DVD, You know they will be selling like BAGELS! I look forward to seeing you there! Much Love, SANTINO

Posted by at 1:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

The View, 6/27/06, ABC

As goes Meredith, so goes Star. And by "Meredith," we mean "donut truck."

Posted by at 11:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (45)

As many of you know, I have been singing the praises of The 4400 for a long time. Although I was slightly disappointed with the season opener, the last few episodes have really been a lot better. If you haven't been keeping up, let me summarize. The 4400 are people who, over a span of years, mysteriously disappeared - only to be returned to Earth. We thought that aliens took them, but it was actually human beings from our own future. Though the returnees had not aged physically, many of them reappeared with superhuman abilities. NTAC (National Threat Assessment Command) is the government agency responsible for keeping track of the returnees and investigating all things related to the 4400. Yes, it sounds like just another sci-fi program on basic cable, but the characters and story lines are something that will have wide appeal.

I've already had one contest for the 4400 premiere (I will e-mail the winners soon, I promise), but I have another set of prizes, so I have another chance to give them away. Entering is very easy. Simply visit the 4400 site at USA Networks, read up on all of the 4400 characters, and let me know who your favorite character is. Send your submissions to contests@tvgasm.com with the subject 4400 contest. I'll be taking your submissions until the end of July. Don't forget, the 4400 is on every Sunday on USA at 9PMEST/6PST.

Posted by at 10:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Actually, Sadie, TV is more entertaining when you are facing the otherway.!

OK big BIG news! We are now in the single digits!

Big Brother is all about the passion, and what better way to stir up passion than with a good controversy? Remember back in BB5 the put-put HOH competition. Karen needed to win as did Marvin, it was down to the final 3 competitors. Chenbot called the rules as the person whose ball made it to the bottom of the whole first would be declared next HOH champion. While Marvin's ball made it in the hole first, Karen's clearly as shown in the TVgasm video analysis made it to the bottom first. Marvin was declared the winner for that round and a loser in life. Moron Marvin of course screwed everything up as HOH potentially altering the outcome of the season.

How long do you suppose it will take for BBAS to create its first big controversial moment? I put the over under at 8 days.

To those of you who have submitted entries and have not been picked, u can still send in more! Even if you have won already and want a whole Chenspired wardrobe, continue to send in entries. We have had some AMAZING entries from some of our creative readers. But we are still looking for numbers to help us with our countdown; if you see it, make it and shoot it, simply send us the photo or video to madeyoulaugh@tvgasm.com, and you are automatically entered to win a Chenbot item from the TVgasm store. Multiple entries accepted!

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 9:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Last night's episode of Hell's Kitchen featured a little field trip to Pink's, a Los Angeles hot dog stand/institution that's been around for sixty-six years. As part of this jaunt, the wannabe chefs got to sample the "Gordon Ramsay Dog," which featured sauerkraut and spicy hot mustard on a frankfurter. Well, given that Pink's is just a mile away from the TVgasm offices, we decided to make a late night trip to the famed eatery in order to sample this Gordon Ramsay Dog. The results might shock you.

So here's Pink's on Hell's Kitchen

And here is the famed Gordon Ramsay Dog. You can't see it from this picture, but one of the ingredients is hot spicy mustard. Remember that.

This is a re-creation of J-Unit and me seeing Pink's on Hell's Kitchen.

Now we're realizing that we have to try the Gordon Ramsay Dog.

Great thinking, us!
And yes, I always cock my head to the right when I slap five.

And we're off to Pink's!

We arrive at 11:15 PM. Excitement is in the air (and smog too, but that's just L.A.).

As usual, there's a huge line. Perhaps other TV fans eager to sample the Gordon Ramsay Dog?

Around this time, we suspect that something is amiss. Lining the plexiglass case are placards of all sorts of specialty dogs. We do not see one for the Gordon Ramsay Dog. We can't be sure, but we think that if it were anywhere, it would be in this wide-open space in front of the onion rings.

If it's any consolation, there is a Today Show hot dog, and it's been nicely updated to include Meredith Vieira. But whither the Early Show Dog? Is there no frankfurter ode to Julie Chen?

This is where things get dicey. We place our order for two Gordon Ramsay Dogs and are met with blank stares by the staff. The guy behind the counter ushers us around the corner to speak with the manager, who seems completely confused by the entire situation. We try to explain the Gordon Ramsay Dog, saying how it was just on national television -- on Fox no less! J-Unit tries to intimidate the manager into embracing this fact by insisting, "It was watched by 25 million people!!!" (Probably closer to 9 million, but still, an impressive number). The manager again tells us that he has no idea what we're talking about, and if there was a Gordon Ramsay Dog, he surely would know about it. Furthermore, there would be a whole fancy placard that would be up front. "But there was one!" we insist.

Remember? We're not crazy!

I then warn the manager that lots of people will be asking about the Gordon Ramsay Dog; so he better be prepared. The manager replies that no one has actually asked for it -- we're the first ones (but certainly not the last, I'm sure). He then asks what exactly is on this alleged Gordon Ramsay Dog, and we tell him sauerkraut and spicy hot mustard. Well, get this: The guy looks at us and says, "We don't even have spicy hot mustard." Pretend like you just heard a record screech to a stop. It was like we'd just swallowed the red pill and had discovered The Matrix. There is no spicy hot mustard??? It's all becoming too clear. What do the Gordon Ramsay Dog, the Easter Bunny, and unicorns have in common? THEY DON'T EXIST!! Ladies and gentlemen, despite what you saw on Hell's Kitchen, there is no Gordon Ramsay Dog!

Nevertheless, we promise the manager that we will return the next night with visual proof that Pink's did hawk a Gordon Ramsay Dog on TV. I swear, we are going to get to the bottom of this. In the meantime, we trekked all this way, we might as well get some hot dogs. In true TVgasm spirit, I order a Martha Stewart dog, and J-Unit orders a Rosie O'Donnell dog. We can only imagine what's in store for our arteries.

Rosie on left, Martha on the right.

We take a seat strategically next to this wall, which features signed photos from Martha Stewart, Celine Dion, and the cast of Grey's Anatomy. Wonderful.

I stare at this picture and laugh. Think about it: imagine Celine Dion wandering into Pink's and stuffing her face with a chili dog. Zut alors, René!

I wonder if Martha realizes her dog is a 10 inch weiner topped with relish, onions, tomatoes, three strips of bacon, sauerkraut, and, oh yeah, SOUR CREAM. I will probably die of a heart attack tonight. I can think of only one person who would embrace this...

Also staring down at us while we eat: Pat O'Brien and the ladies of The View. I fear that Star Jones will somehow eat my hot dog through the photo.

Did I mention that this damn Martha Stewart Hot Dog is HUGE?

And in an ironic turn of events, the Rosie dog is quite slim.

My Martha Stewart Dog has officially fallen apart. Note my immense dejection. This would never have happened with a Gordon Ramsay Dog.

I'm a total mess. Too... much... Martha dog... My feelings at this moment would probably best be described via an image from Grey's Anatomy.

No, not quite that.

Yes. Perfect.

J-Unit is able to successfully eat all of his Rosie O'Donnell Dog. And so concludes our night at Pink's. This may be the end for these hot dogs, but our quest for the Gordon Ramsay Dog continues. We'll provide updates as necessary...

Posted by at 1:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (49)

America's Got Talent, 6/21/06, NBC

The entire concept behind America's Got Talent is incredibly dubious, as evidenced by this scene which shows a "Rappin' Granny" gettin' her freestyle on. Her performance is entertaining for a variety of reasons; however, I think the best part of this clip is David Hasselhoff's finger-snappin' hip-hop groove, not to mention his "Go Granny! Go Granny!" chant towards the end. Now that's what I call talent!

Posted by at 6:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

A few weeks ago, I had the stellar idea to write a post about which shows and performances the Emmy voters shouldn't overlook as they cast their ballots for the nomination process. I was going to have the article up the day after the TV season drew to a close (May 25th), but then one thing after another fell on my plate, and here we are now, a month later and three days after the nomination period has ended. So I guess this won't be so much a memo to the academy as it will be a "You Better Not Have Overlooked..." post. And if none of our choices are nominated, we only have ourselves to blame. That being said, check out some of our picks after the jump...

Keep in mind that these aren't necessarily our picks for who we want to see take home the award. These are more like people we want to see recognized. So don't get your panties in a bundle when you don't see your favorite star or show mentioned.

Outstanding Comedy Series
Arrested Development: I thought this was the best season yet for this star-crossed show. The episode featuring four Andy Richters was brilliant.

Everybody Hates Chris: A great, heartfelt comedy that manages to create a universal appeal from a fairly specific setting. This show has a warmth not often seen on sitcoms and an edgy humor too. But since it's on UPN, chances are it'll be forgotten about. Don't forget it, VOTERS.

The Office: This show has a high chance of getting nominated, but in case it doesn't, we just want to champion it one more time. It's clever, wry, dry, and hilarious. I mean, c'mon. It's got Steve Carrell.

EdHill writes: "Scrubs: I still say, take out every moment with John C. McGinley, and its still a darn funny show."

Outstanding Drama Series
24: This show has been nominated for Outstanding Drama every season, which means that voters might grow tired of it, opting to nominate fresh meat instead. However, this season of 24 has been its strongest yet with tight plotting, intense action, and for the first time, true emotional resonance. Don't let the action genre fool you: this was the best drama on TV this season.

House, MD: I just became a recent convert to this show, and I absolutely love it. Sure, it's a standard procedural with all the structural formulas we've come to expect, but interwoven amongst the gripping medical scenes are great dialogue and multi-faceted characters. Plus, the writing is often funnier than most sitcoms out there. Definitely worth a nod.

Battlestar Galactica / Veronica Mars: Okay, I don't watch these shows, but J-Unit does, and he swears by them. So that's got to be worth something.

EdHill writes: "West Wing: Give the old girl some love. She went out on a high note, with a great final season. Now my "Santos For America" magnet sits proudly on my refrigerator next to my "Save Kaysar" magnet."

Outstanding Actor, Drama
Hugh Laurie, House, MD: Forget that he's a Brit, Hugh Laurie takes an angry, bitter, and flawed character and makes us like him. He chews up the scenery without being over-indulgent, making him one of the most compelling actors in primetime. EdHill also adds, "He's just so damn irascible!"

Outstanding Actress, Drama
Edie Falco, The Sopranos: Hmmm... odds that she won't be nominated? 100 to 1. But just in case she isn't, we're endorsing her.

EdHill adds, "Ellen Pompeo Greys Anatomy: But ONLY if they award it right after Louis Lombardi (24) gets his so we can have a lispy two-fer."

Outstanding Actor, Comedy
Steve Carrell, The Office: The supporting cast is great, but seriously, this show is all about Steve Carrell. If he's overlooked, then the Academy don't know comedy (which is very possible. I wouldn't be surprised if Ray Romano earns a nomination just for the hell of it).

Outstanding Actress, Comedy
First of all, none of the Desperate Housewives should be nominated in this category. Not because there weren't good performances, but because the show is not a comedy. That being said...

Tichina Arnold, Everybody Hates Chris: Playing the mother of a young Chris Rock, lesser actresses would have taken this role as a chance to yell nonstop for 22 minutes. Well, Tichina Arnold yells a lot, but she knows when to dial it back. Her performances are a lot more nuanced than you'd expect, but because of the whole "The Academy is blind to UPN" thing, Heather Graham will probably get the nod instead for Emily's Reasons Why Not.

Kerri Kenney, Reno 911!: Just because a show's on Comedy Central and just because a show does not fit the standard norm of televised comedy does not mean that Kerri Kenney should be overlooked yet again. But she will be.

EdHill writes, "Jenna Elfman, Courting Alex. Just to see if she gets the joke."

Outstanding Supporting Actor, Drama
Gregory Itzin, 24: Wow. What a season for this guy. Previously a relatively unknown character actor, Gregory Itzin nearly stole the show as the treacherous, cowardly, moody, and daffy President of the United States. He was wonderful in nearly every scene, whether he was playing a spineless wimp (as was the case in the first half of the season) or a crafty villain (second half of the season).

Also from 24, EdHill adds, "Louis Lombardi (Edgar Stiles), because he deserves it and his acceptance speech would rule: 'Thith ith the happeith day of my life.'"

Robert Knepper, Prison Break: Playing "T-Bag," the pedophile rapist with the heart of, well, not-gold, Knepper completely stole the show. He was disgusting, loathsome, and creepy, and every time he appeared on screen, you couldn't help but feel uncomfortable. His performance will be easy to overlook, which would be a shame.

Outstanding Supporting Actress, Drama
Jean Smart, 24: I know, I know. 24 overload. What can I say? It was a great season. Nevertheless, the Academy has a terrible history of shunning the ladies of 24. Penny Johnson Jerald put in three great years without a hint of recognition. Then last season, Shohreh Aghdashloo outclassed every other actor on television with her bravura performance, only to be snubbed by the Academy. I say the buck stops here. No one can deny Jean Smart and her excellent portrayal of First Lady Martha Logan. She had to spend the entire season teetering on the edge of lunacy and shrewdness, and her scenes with Gregory Itzin were more complicated and emotionally charged than anything else on network TV. If she's overlooked in this category, shit's going down.

Also from 24, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Jayne Atkinson, and Kim Raver: All three women clocked in three solid performances, each completely different from each other. I'm not saying that this category should be dominated by 24 (okay, I am), but voters definitely shouldn't overlook these performances. Regarding Mary Lynn Rajskub (Chloe O'Brien) EdHill adds, "I think she deserved it last season when she went nuts with the automatic weapon, but this year she was good to. I want to see her roll her eyes at an Emmy win."

Papi notes that Chloe Sevigney from Big Love should also receive a nod: "The character you love to hate is a cliché in Hollywood--because so many people take the high-camp, Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford route.  Playing a bitch is easy.  Playing a passive-aggressive, manipulative, calculating bitch, all the while holding the knife behind your back so successfully sometimes even the audience doesn't see it...it's a feat of genius.  Not since Nurse Kratchett in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest have we been treated to such insidiousness.  The role is brilliantly written, and Chloe Sevigney is the only actress who could pull it off.  Which she does."

Outstanding Supporting Actor, Comedy
Will Arnett, Tony Hale, David Cross, Arrested Development: To paraphrase James Lipton, these three actors -- especially Arnett -- were a delight. Everyone focuses on Jeffrey Tambor, which is nice and all, but these guys are really the ones who deserve some recognition.

Jeremy Piven, Entourage: I'm not a huge fan of this show, but honestly, Jeremy Piven has this character nailed down. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, but he at least deserves a nomination again.

Terry Crews, Everybody Hates Chris: This guy had carved out a career for himself playing the big, muscled, tough-guy in tons of movies from The Longest Yard to Malibu's Most Wanted to Friday After Next. So it was a surprise that he could play the warm, tender role of Julius on Everybody Hates Chris. I personally think he's the best part of the show, and his chemistry with Tichina Arnold is pitch-perfect.

Outstanding Supporting Actress, Comedy
Jaime Pressley, My Name Is Earl: Who knew Jaime Pressley could be so funny? Actually, anyone who saw Not Another Teen Movie probably did (and you can include me in that crowd. Yes, I saw it in the theater).

Jessica Walter, Arrested Development: Hilarious.

Outstanding Reality Competition
Project Runway 2: This was probably the best reality competition of the year and stands a real shot to dethrone The Amazing Race (thanks, Family Edition). Papi adds, "I am from Middle America, and I dress in clothes from The Gap every day.  Yet I now know what rouching and "on the bias" means, thanks to Project Runway.  And I talk about it as if I care!  This is the best show on TV."

Big Brother 6: I know, I know, I know. People are sick of hearing about our love of Big Brother. But mild obsession aside, this was one of the most compelling reality seasons ever. No joke. Unfortunately, voters only base their decisions on specific episodes as opposed to an entire series arc; so chances are this will never make it to the top of the heap. Plus, it doesn't help it was on last season. Oh well. Adds EdHill, "When a TV show makes you come home 3 nights a week during warm July nights and you live in CT where those are fleeting, you know its a good show."

Chances are you don't agree with all our picks. So who do you think the voters should remember (assuming that this post came out last week when it could still make a difference)?

Posted by at 5:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (18)

There are three things you can always expect on The Real World: Key West: drunken partying, disruptive hurricanes, and, of course, screaming fits from Paula Walnuts. This week's episode was no exception as the kids fled to Ft. Lauderdale where they were supposedly safe from Hurricane Wilma, but it turned out Mother Nature was more of a fame-whore than we'd expected. The storm made quite the televised showing, and we, the viewers, were able to see the alleged "courage" of the roommates that MTV had been promising all week. And let's face it: walking down a dark stairwell is certainly the pinnacle of bravery. When the roommates weren't earning Purple Hearts for Hurricane Heroism, they were dealing with Paula, who had one of her crazy breakdowns again. Pardon me -- I didn't mean "crazy." I meant "rationally challenged." You see, Paula kind of doesn't like it when people call her crazy, something Tyler learned the hard way. Yes, it was quite the stormy episode. Fun for the whole family!

The big show opened up with what else? Storm clouds! Get it? It's a visual metaphor -- works both literally and figuratively. Gosh, I love the layers. For those of you who haven't been paying attention to the show (and you should be because it's way better than Austin, but that's just me), the kids were just about to ride through Key West on a nifty float for Fantasy Fest (some Key Westian celebration that draws the masses) when pesky Hurricane Wilma showed up to ruin everything. Yes, all hopes for Mystic Tan-sponsored bacchanalia were dashed by the storm, which was now threatening to destroy everything in its wake (Insert Fred Flintstone yelling "WIIILLMMAAA!!!"). As a result, the residents of Key West were served with a mandatory evacuation notice, and faster than you could say "There's A Storm A-Comin'!", the roomies were packing up and getting ready for a trip to Ft. Lauderdale. While it may all have seemed like fun and games to us at home, let it be known that the portent of this hurricane was not lost on the roommates, especially Zach.

"This is already a very big deal," he said. But the real question remained: was it as big a deal as... RED GOD?!?!

RED GOD!!! RAHH!!!!

Anyway, as everyone storm-proofed the house, Paula called up Keith, who, as you may or may not remember, was supposed to be visiting that weekend. She told him that they were being evacuated to Ft. Lauderdale, causing him to exclaim, "You're going to FT. LAUDERDALE???" He then added, "I will BEAT you for saying that!!" Actually, no, Keith had no pugilistic intents. Instead, it turned out that he was going to be in the Ft. Lauderdale area too, but still, that wasn't of much solace to Paula, who wanted to spend a whole weekend with him in Key West.

"During the one time that Keith is gonna visit, a hurricane's gonna come. Of course," she said, adding, "Hey unfortunate coincidences: KISS MY ASS! KISS MY GODDAMN ASS!!!"

Anyway, Keith explained how he would be driving from Louisiana to Florida, despite Wilma's impending landfall. "Don't worry," he said, "No storm is going to stop me." Keith then added, "Because I will BEAT Wilma like the worthless woman she is. I will BEAT her!"

Later on, the kids all grabbed their bags and headed out to the car. Tyler complained about John bringing his guitar, saying that they'd already be pressed for space. He did make a good point. After all, he wasn't bringing Red God along, and we all know how important that piece of art is. Nevertheless, John brought his guitar anyway, and soon, the whole gang was on the road, driving to the allegedly safer pastures of Ft. Lauderdale. I'm still not sure at what point Southern Florida became known as a refuge from hurricanes, but I was willing to go along with it.

We then caught a glimpse of the scintillating conversation in the SUV, which featured Paula talking about how she could have as much sex as she wanted now. This prompted Tyler to tell us, "Paula and Keith are one big trailer park tragedy. There is nothing healthy about their relationship." I beg your pardon, Mr. Tyler. Everyone knows that the healthiest relationships involve drinking, fighting, and going to the hospital. Oh, and then apologetic gifts afterwards. Of course, since this was Tyler, he then managed to blame everything on Svetlana. "When Svetlana's gone," he said, "Paula's a really fun, great person. But when Svetlana's around Paula, she kind of pollutes her." Other things Svetlana's to blame for: global warming, 9/11, and the fall of Rome.

Nevertheless, the kids continued to trek on towards Ft. Lauderdale, and I couldn't help but notice how there was no one else out on the road. Either the producers were re-using old driving footage, or the people of Key West really didn't care about saving themselves. I guess Fantasy Fest really will go on, come rain or shine (or massive hurricane).

Well, the gang finally arrived at their hotel (yay!) and checked in (yay!) and walked into their spacious, two-story room (double yay!). Looks like they sure dodged that hurricane! And no one could be more confident of that than John, who said, "In Ft. Lauderdale, we're in a hotel that will probably not lose power that I'm sure will be safer than if we were in Key West." Clearly he hadn't seen the previews for this week's show yet...

Anyway, since everything seemed safer and calmer here in Ft. Lauderdale, the roommates were left with nothing to do but partaaaay!!! Tyler explained: "If life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Or my favorite, if life hands you lemons, grab a bottle of tequila and some salt." Why, that wasn't forced at all. And by the way, wouldn't that last option be more applicable to a situation where life hands you limes, not lemons? Regardless, I was just shocked that he didn't say, "When life hands you lemons, paint YELLOW GODDESS!!!"

When life hands you lemons, make back sweat!

Out at the club, we then saw Paula and Svet partying the night away, something that caused John to fret that they were too attached at the hip. We then saw the two girls dancing in the streets, which is usually the best indicator that Paula will be having a meltdown fairly soon. Sure enough, we then went back to the hotel where Paula requested, "Nobody touch the phone for five minutes, please." Everyone said okay, and then seconds later, Svet immediately picked up the phone and called her boyfriend. Uh oh. This would surely lead to a breakdown, but no, it didn't. This was just a mild misdirection. Kind of like the opening scenes of House when you see one person coughing, but then it turns out that it's a whole other person who's about ten times sicker.

Anyway, I didn't really understand why he said this, but Tyler, who was upstairs, joked, "Paula, we like you downstairs." This caused John to say, "You know what's funny? The only time Paula's down with us is when she's [Svetlana] on the phone with Martin. That's the only thing I gotta say, dude. It's not cool." Okay, I wasn't totally following this exchange, but somehow, between what Tyler said and what John said, Paula interpreted the entire discussion as "Okay, they don't want me around." And you know what that meant, right?

3...

2...

1...

CRAZY PAULA TIME!!!

I'm sorry, I meant NOT-VERY-NORMAL-ACTING PAULA TIME!!!

Yes, before you could say, "Paging Dr. Covan," Paula was full-on crying, accusing everyone of ganging up on her and whatnot. Janelle was trying to comfort her, but it was to no avail. Further exasperating the situation was Tyler, who suddenly appeared in skimpy Speedos and asked, "What the fuck is your problem, PAULA? I'M SORRY!" Yes, that's always the perfect way to deal with Paula in her drunken state: confrontation!

"No one be alarmed. I have Speedos for everyone."

Well, no surprise here. Paula went from bawling to hyperventilating as she stormed into the bathroom and slammed the door behind her (well, she let the camera man in with her, which was pretty nice of her). Eventually, she let the other roomies come in, and quickly unloaded on them. "I hear you talk about me when I'm not around! I hear you write down shit when I'm not around!!" she yelled. I honestly felt bad for her at that moment -- after all, if she couldn't deal with her roommates gossiping about her, how would she deal with millions of people (including yours truly) passing judgment left and right? Nevertheless, Tyler rebuked Paula's claims, saying, "Paula, this is a figment of your imagination!" And by "a figment of your imagination," Tyler meant "absolutely true."

Sure enough, Tyler's denial caused Paula to totally lose it, yelling, "I WAS DOWNSTAIRS AND YOU GUSY WERE MAKING FUN OF ME!!!" Soon, the entire scene devolved into general chaos, with Paula and Tyler jousting with their index fingers. Somewhere in this, Tyler made some offhand remark about Paula being crazy, and then that was it. Nobody puts Baby in the corner, and nobody calls Paula crazy.

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE!!! DON'T EVER TALK TO ME AGAIN!!!" she yelled with total, unbridled anger. This was followed by several iterations of "GET THE FUCK OUT!!! GET THE FUCK OUT!!!" until we sadly went away to commercial.

When we returned, Hurricane Paula was still raging, but now she had dropped "GET THE FUCK OUT!!!" in favor of the more accusatory, "I'M DONE WITH YOU! YOU CALLED ME CRAZY!!!" Now, what would ever give Tyler the impression that Paula was crazy? Sometimes, I'm shocked at the depravity of human beings.

After some comforting by the girls, Paula then calmed down and returned to general sobbing as she uttered, "I ask for one thing: to not be called crazy." That's kind of like Mo'Nique asking not to be called fat (or Phat, for that matter). Nevertheless, Paula explained her rationale: "Yeah, I'm emotional. Yeah, I'm upset. But I'm not fucking crazy!" You see, she only acts crazy. But she's not really crazy. Duh, people.

Meanwhile, out in the living room, Tyler expressed shock at the situation, saying, "I never, ever thought she'd lash out on me like that." He then followed this up by telling the guys, "You know what, Paula? You're a psycho bitch!" You go girl! We then learned the real reason why Tyler was so hurt by Paula's latest breakdown. Turns out that when he was in high school, Tyler suffered from eating disorders too. Ah, it's all starting to make sense; although, I'm still a little confused as to why he's never shared his experiences with Paula or provided an empathetic shoulder to lean on. I tend to think Tyler's more of the "If I got over it, so can you, BITCH" type of guy.

Back in the bathroom, Paula was still crying and saying that people always attack her, but luckily John walked in to fix all this mess... or at least clean his nasty ass. "Can I use the bidet, Paula?" he asked. I didn't know what I was most surprised at: that the hotel had a bidet or that John had waited until that moment to wash his bum. Nevertheless, the bidet line was just an excuse to open up a dialogue with Paula, and soon the two had left the bathroom to go for a little walk in the hallway. It was actually a sweet little scene, and a surprising change, considering that it was John who was often bearing the brunt of Paula's wrath. Anyway, John told Paula that she and Svet spend too much time together and operate as crutches for their mutual insecurities. He then said taht all anyone wants is for Paula to hang out more. You see, Paula? They all love you! And with that, she let out a smile, which I believe marked the first time Paula Walnuts was able to return to normal while still drunk. Hey former patterns of behavior: KISS MY ASS!!! KISS MY GODDAMN ASS!!!

The next morning, Tyler and Paula had a "talk" about the previous night's events, and while we were supposed to think everything was resolved, I really didn't feel it, especially when Tyler said, "There has to be forgiveness in this house," and Paula replied with, "No." Uh, okay. Tyler then embraced Paula and said, "Give me a hug. It'll be fine." If you say so...

Later on, the gang headed to the beach to enjoy all the benefits of an impending hurricane (a.k.a. big waves). It looked like the best-est pre-hurricane ever. Frolicking! Football! Cavorting! Falling over in the surf!! Ah, these were the things that dreams were made of. Dumb, silly dreams. The kids then all headed back to their duplex in the sky where Paula called Keith to get an update. He was still headed towards Ft. Lauderdale, which seemed kind of dumb on account of, you know, the hurricane (seriously -- just drive up to Georgia). Meanwhile, outdoors, the sunny weather that had engendered such blissful enjoyment at the beach was now turning vicious and turbulent. Wilma was arriving, and bitch was on her period!

The next morning, we then saw total chaos in Ft. Lauderdale as the ocean surged and wind pounded the city (we could tell it was really windy because the editors had inserted nifty wind sound effects). Anyway, with Wilma beating down on the city, a security guard woke up the kids by slamming on the door and loudly instructing them to get downstairs right away. Yes, this was a real hurricane, and in case we had any doubts, we then saw the hallway, which had -- oops! -- a gaping hole in the wall thanks to Wilma. Oh, and the roof was blowing off too. Damn, this was actually sort of scary.

Oh, just some minor damages...

Well, the kids all scurried out of their room as quickly as possible, and by that, I meant they wandered out into the hallway at a casual pace. The camera man did stay behind to document the craziness outside (which pretty much revolved around roofing blowing off and landing in the pool). You know, the promos kept telling us about the courage of the roommates. How about the courage of the camera man? He was the one hanging out by the window and putting himself in harm's way!

Anyway, the kids all marched to the stairwell as the 14th floor seemingly collapsed around them. Great accommodations, MTV! We then saw more general chaos -- roofs tearing apart, boats nudging against each other, wind bursting through holes in the wall -- and then we found the kids all alarmed and confused in the staircase. Paula piggybacked onto Zach, which was good thinking considering any errant gust could send her floating off to Cuba. With total pandemonium reigning supreme, we then cut to commercial once again, and when we returned, we once again saw that ill-fated courtyard pool becoming the receptacle for nearly every airborne piece of debris. Memo to self: never swim in that pool. Actually, memo to self: never stay at that shoddy hotel.

Well, the kids made their way down fourteen flights of stairs before finally arriving in the lobby which was, for better or worse, a complete and total mess. Soon, the group was shuttled into a ballroom with all the other unlucky guests, and guess who was in the crowd? That's right: Keith! And no, a slugfest did not break out as soon as he came within five feet of Paula. Instead, they had a happy reunion, with Paula glowing, "He's exactly what I remembered. He's prettier than I remembered. And I get to see his beautiful blue eyes." Yes, he was the dreamiest abusive boyfriend ever!

Keith!

Paula then noted, "It feels so good to be hugged by somebody that loves you." Yes, almost as good as it feels to be beaten by somebody that loves you!

Zach then weighed in with his Deep Thought of the episode as he said, "It is so ironic and bizarre that Keith and Paula are meeting each other for the first time in months in basically a hurricane shelter." I'm sorry, but I'm a little confused as to why that's ironic? Do Paula and Keith often talk about how they'll never meet up in a hurricane shelter? Is that like their "thing"?

Eventually, Wilma passed, which meant we got to see dreary images of Ft. Lauderdale looking like it was just sodomized. The roommates learned that they couldn't go back to Key West yet, and obviously, they couldn't stay in Ft. Lauderdale. So where to go? North! Orlando, here we come!

As for Paula, she was all concerned. Would Keith still visit Key West? Or had that window closed with the coming of Wilma? Hmmm... A dilemma for the ages. Nevertheless, the roomies all packed up and headed out, with Jose saying, "Let's do it up, Mystic Tan style!" And that, ladies and gentlemen, was his big contribution of the episode. Congratulations, Jose.

The septet then headed downstairs into the lobby, which was semi-functioning again, and I was somewhat amused by the random "Caution: Wet Floor" cone that stood in the middle of the floor. Yeah, I think that was an understatement. They might as well have had a cone that said, "Caution: Wet HOTEL."

As the show drew to a close, Svetlana joked with Paula that she would have blown away had she stood too close to the windows (hey, stop stealing my joke, Svetty!). Of course, Paula would never have been gone with the wind. You know she would have told that hurricane, "You can't blow me away! So KISS MY ASS!!! KISS MY GODDAMN ASS!!!"

What did you think about this episode?

Posted by at 2:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (33)

• Candidates from the new season of The Apprentice caused a minor debacle during a task at an L.A. Galaxy soccer game this weekend. After the teams presented two lame GNC-sponsored halftime skits, fans booed mightily and refused to participate in the voting that was meant to determine which team's skit won. Carolyn was most displeased. [Reality Blurred]
• Yay, Nicole Kidman got married again! And this time not to Scientology! I was fascinated to learn that her father is as waxy and botoxed as she is. [CNN]
• Speaking of porcelain complexions, Marcia Cross married stock broker Tom Mahoney over the weekend. According to one trusted source, "Tom Mahoney" is actually the stage name of a 6'4" Finnish lesbian named Vilhelmiina Hamalainen. Best wishes to the happy couple! [E! online]
• Barbara Walters has struck a deal with Sirius Satellite Radio to air some of her most memorable interviews on a radio show two hours a week. It's unclear to me how they plan to convey the crucial soft-focus element over the airwaves. [AP]
• And just FYI, Santino Rice was the true winner of last season's Project Runway. Just in case you're one of those "stupid assheads" who was under the impression the winner was, say, Chloe Dao. [TV Guide]

Posted by at 1:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

All good things must come to an end, right? Now, don't get your Aquaman underoos in a twist, Entourage isn't ending; if anything this show is hitting its stride in a big way. However, it seems like the ordered chaos that these boys have gotten used to is coming under attack, with their old friend Dom coming to visit from out East with a script in hand and not a bar of soap in sight. So will he be this fab four's meathead Yoko Ono? Only time will tell. In the meantime, let's see what kind of havoc he caused for Vince and his Aqualackies.

So what's a newly minted superhero to do once he becomes the biggest star this side of whatever comes out of Angelina Jolie's vagina next? No, not go to Seaworld!?!?! But to a fancy schmancy dinner, hosted by none other than Ari Gold, Super Duper Talent agent. Ari takes Vince and his boys out to a swankfest dinner to celebrate Vince becoming the number one movie star in the world.

It seems as though my amusement park predictions were not so far off, because the studio is positively plotzing over the new Aquaman ride at the nearby Six Flags. Vince puts up some mild objections about going to his theme park ride opening, but Ari says he has to, and also to eat all his vegetables or he's going to bed without a prostitute. Ari, will also be at the ride unveiling, but he doesn't do rides. Well, besides the loop de loop on Mrs. Ari every second Wednesday of the month. Vince uses his new found superstar power ring to get Ari to agree to ride his log floon, because if he doesn't Vince will be a no-show at the park. Ari agrees, and has to wipe a little tear from his eye, since he's swelling with pride over the leaps and bounds that Vince has made in becoming a true Hollywood douche bag.

Ari needs to excuse himself from the evening festivities, because her daughter has a boy over the house. They're only 13 but according to Drama, 13 is like being 30 in this town. To make matters worse the kid who is over is an actor. To make things even worse, he's the star of Young 21 Jump Street, a detail that I think is pure genius.

When the boys get to the mansion, Turtle and Drama are so busy fighting over a doggy bagged Porterhouse steak they almost don't notice that he front door is wide open. There are noises coming from inside the house and Arnold the dog does not sound too happy. The guys start to enter the house, but Turtle, ever the smart one, suggests that maybe Vince should wait in the car. If something happens to him they are all screwed. Truer words have never been spoken, my friend.

They are tentatively walking towards the living room where they hear the noises. They grab their weapons of choice, a baseball bat, a golf club, a statue, a large comedic set piece cliché, you know the usual. Then a booming voice comes in from the living room telling them he can hear them, and my first instinct is that I didn't know that Vin Diesel was this desperate for work. Actually, yeah I did. But it's not Vin Diesel, it's his fat younger brother, or as the guys start calling him, DOM! The guys are all stoked to see Dom, except Eric, who Dom calls Ebola. Dom just spent 3 days on a bus out to California, just days after getting released from prison. So now that he's seen his ol' buddies, what he needs now is to be introduced to some of the high-end call girls that Vince keeps on speed dial. To the skankmobile they go!

VIN!?!?!

OOOH SORRY MY MISTAKE

Ari is at home just in time to humiliate his daughter in front of this Richard Grieco in training. Mrs. Ari tells her husband to calm down, that this Max seems like a nice kid. Ari informs her that nice boys don't have 9 cars. Are you insulting Jay Leno, Ari? Because he has SEVERAL cars. And I don't think you want to take on The Chin head-to-head. Max is showing Ari's daughter, Sara, scenes from his new movie, when Ari interrupts them, because he hears nothing but silence. You know what happens when thirteen year old kids stop talking: blowjobs. Alas, Ari did not find her daughter doing a bobble head impression on young Max, but rather the two of them sitting innocently together. Ari still decides to throw little Max out on his ass, so Max tells Sara he'll see her tomorrow. Ari is quick to chime in that he won't because they'll be at the opening of the new ride. What a coincidence so will Max; He's in talks with the studio to take over the Cody Banks franchise. Somwhere, Frankie Muniz just died a little.

At first I think that the guys have just taken Dom to the classiest Whorehouse in the Hollywood Hills, but I then realize that it's just a club. Dom is regaling them with stories of the gay inmates who used to jerk off to Vince's pictures, and I think that this is trule what friendship is all about.

Eric starts to ask Dom all these questions like "aren't you on parole?" and "how long are you staying?" and "what happened to that guy you shanked in prison?" and the guys start to jump down his throat. Dom just got here! Let him relax and contract an STD before you start asking him about his plans. Speaking of STDs, Drama and Turtle are going to take Dom on a lap of the whorehouse, and see what they can pick up. Vince sees this alone time as a good opportunity to ask Eric why he's being such a dick. Eric tells him that he doesn't trust Dom and he finds it a little convenient that Dom shows up the day after Vince's movie opens like a tidal wave (get it? Aquaman? Tidal Wave? Try the veal!). Vince let's us in on his dirty little secret: Dom was arrested because he was holding Vince's two joints. Wait, can you get arrested for holding two joints? God, I hope I don't get stopped by a cop on my way home, because I have two Excedrin PMs in there and a packet of Altoids. But it wasn't just the joints; it was the fact that Dom then assaulted the officer who found the two joints. And then pissed on his face. And then killed his dog. Vince says that he owes him, and that if Dom gets out of hand it will be his problem not Eric's. He's number one AND the king of the world, what could go wrong? DOM da dom dom DOMMMM!

Ari is checking out porn on his laptop, while simultaneously monitoring his daughter's web activity. MAC laptop for daughter: $2,200. Trust: Priceless. When Ari can't take it anymore he sneaks into his daughter's room, who is pretending she's sleeping and he steals her laptop. Oy to the vey.

The guys have headed back home, and Eric is heading back out, presumably to Sloane's place. Anyone else concerned that we haven't seen Sloane too much this season (save for a group shot at Vince's premiere)? Anyway, before he leaves Dom says he wants to give E a gift. A little something that he learned about in prison called a tossed salad. Eric loves to eat his greens so he is pretty disappointed when Dom the gift is actually a script. It's Dom's life story, from the 5 years of first grade to the art of learning how to please a man in prison. It's all in there. And it's the only copy. Dom da dom dom DOMMMM!

I SMELL SPIN OFF

The next morning the recently unleashed Dom is having some awesome dirty sex that would make Jenna Jameson blush. Eric is on his way downstairs and shuts the door on the porn audition. Downstairs Turtle and Drama are grinning like schoolboys who stole their father's playboy. The noise stops and I fear that the poor girl has finally been cocked to the death. The Michelin Tire Guy next makes a cameo - oh wait, no, that's just Dom's naked ass walking into the kitchen.

Dom asks Eric if he's read the script yet, but Eric says no, because he only got it a few hours ago, and some asshole was having violent, loud sex with a hooker all night, and kept him up. Dom then asks why Eric is so uptight. Eric isn't uptight Dom. Your man meat is swinging in his face and brother hasn't even had a sip of coffee yet. That's not uptight, that's you know, human. The happy hooker heads on downstairs and oohs and ahhs, except much quieter and less vulgar, about being in Aquaman's house. Dom, always the gentleman, tells her that she can feel free to kick herself out. Whoa. I've never treated a hooker like that. You at least show her to the door before you kick her out on her ass. How else do you expect to get the sixth ride free? Now that the ugly business of prostitute extermination is dealt with Dom is going to treat the boys to a nice home cooked breakfast. Drama, sensing his territory as man of the kitchen being threatened informs Dom that he does the cooking around here. Dom and Drama fight over his favorite pan, and Dom not so vaguely threatens Drama's life if he doesn't let him cook breakfast. That's right, Dom, kill 'em with kindness. Vince comes in and tells Drama to take the day off and Dom to put on some underwear. Everyone wins! Dom da dom dom DOMMMMM!

At the Gold house o' fun, Ari is telling Mrs. Ari that he's not going to let Sara go to the ride opening, because little Grieco is going to be there. Mrs. Ari says that Ari is insane, because the kids are only thirteen. Sara comes into the kitchen and Ari tells her he loves her, but she can't go to the water park and she can't see Max anymore. But remember Sara, daddy loves you. She wants to know why, and Ari simply says because Max is an actor. Sara then points out that Mrs. Ari used to be an actor, and Ari uses some Homer Simpson logic on her, saying that now mommy isn't an actor and that is why she is good. Sara likes Max and hates her parents! I love that although Mr. & Mrs. Ari barely function as human beings none the less a couple, but Mrs. Ari still backs her husband up in this fight, even though she doesn't necessarily agree with him. There are so many layers to this relationship it's great. Mrs. Ari then congratulates Ari on the $50,000 in child therapy he just acquired, but Ari says that as long as he keeps little Sara out of an E! True Hollywood Story, he doesn't care.

"BUT DADDY I LOVE HIM!"

Bitchfest '06 is leaving the house, while Drama is complaining that Dom used his roll on deodorant, and Turtle is laughing at him. But then Dom wants to drive. It's been 5 years since Dom has been behind the wheel of a car. Because he was in jail. Because of Vince. Remember? Turtle doesn't want to give up the keys, but Dom asks him how he can drive with only one arm. DEAD ARM!

Vince, of course settles this dispute once again, saying that Dom can drive. Drama then smirks to Turtle, saying that he's not the only one who got laid off. They're heading to the water park, and it makes me feel giddy inside that Turtle is right where he belongs: sitting bitch.

Dom makes a crazy turn into the gas station and the guys pile out. Turtle, Drama and Dom are buying snacks, because Turtle is going to be driving for 15, possibly 20 minutes and needs a Twinkie. As Drama and Turtle are complaining about Dom to one another, they turn a corner and spot Dom stealing some packaged goodies. Dom da dom dom DOMMMM!

Outside, Eric is pumping gas, and warning Vince that there is going to be a lot of press at the event, and he might want to tell Dom how to act. Eric asks Vince if he even remembers the last time they were at a water park with Dom. It was their senior trip and Dom almost drowned a kid who used to where his asthma pump on a string around his neck. Ugh. I can relate on so many levels.

At the water park Shawna, her assistant Kristy and Ari are waiting for the guys, and there is still no explaination of Shawna's immaculate conception. Maybe it's for a reality show based on the second coming of the anti-Christ? Dom starts hitting on Shawna and her pregnant baby, and we learn that Kristy's a total bitch. In a good way.

Some poor old photographer starts to try to get the pictures starting, and Dom leaps across the 500 pound Shawna and attacks him. Vince tells him to calm down that it's part of the gig and starts taking some shots with him and his crazy gorilla-like friend. Dom apologizes and Vince promises Eric that he'll talk to him. The most important thing about this scene is that they are playing Banquet by Bloc party and that CD kicks ass.

In one of the greatest honors this side of a Nobel Peace Prize, Vince is awarded the key to the water park. Vince graciously accepts, and although he's kind of a blank slate mentally and emotionally, Vince is a pretty good movie star. WAIT! WAIT! Maybe that's the point? Hmm...

Meanwhile, Turtle and Drama need to talk to Eric, in private. Luckily, Shawna is too busy feeding her unborn satanic baby slaughtered bunny rabbits that she couldn't care less about the family matters they need to discuss. At the same time, Ari has family matters of his own to handle when he spots Max hanging out with some other tweeny bopper hos.

First, Drama and Turtle explain to Eric that they took a vote. 5 just doesn't work. But 4! 4 Is the magic number. Dom's got to go. But Vince wants Dom to stay, and, well, let's be honest with ourselves, what leg do you have to stand on here guys? Vince literally owns you. The boys are just going to have to suck it up for a little while.

Ari catches up with Max the little shit, and tells him he's two timing his daughter. Max tells Ari that he and Sara are not exclusive. And that his daughter gives bad head, so he has to go elsewhere to fulfill his needs. Ok, he doesn't say that, but I'm pretty sure he's thinking it. Ari doesn't want to have to squash Max, but if he needs to he will. Max laughs this off, asking Ari how he's going to "squash" him. With Ari Gold's 5 Man Talent Agency? You just wait a second Max. That is Ari Gold's Super Duper 5 Man Talent Agency to you!

It's finally time to inaugurate the Aquaman ride with Ari's vomit and/or urine. The guys make the slow climb to the top and super fast descent. I. Love. Symbolism. Eric asks Vince how long parolees can stay around for, and Vince says forever as long as Dom gets a job. Luckily for Dom, Vince had an opening in his security department that he is perfect for! It doesn't look like Dom is going ANYWHERE, for a little while! Dom da dom dom DOMMMM!

So what did you think of Dom? How much trouble do you think he'll get into in LA, and what will it cost Vinnie and the boys? Also, how nasty does the Aquaman ride look? I need this movie to happen ASAP!

Posted by Umnata at 11:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)

This week on Passions, Alistair finally cracks the coded inscription on the chalice, so very soon we should find out what godlike powers he now possesses. Hopefully, he'll grow to be 200 feet tall and start shooting lightning bolts out of his eyes. That's my vote; what's yours? Elsewhere, Kay practically performs a striptease on top of a washing machine, and we learn some disturbing facts about the love life of Beth's aged, incontinent mother. Perhaps best of all, Spike is still alive and still pimping, and we get to see another scene in that slammin' nightspot, Prometheus. Hey, we have to enjoy Rome while we still have it. I mean, "Rome."

Kay and Miguel are doing laundry. Sexy laundry. He's shirtless and she's in a tight little T-shirt and shorts. I keep expecting this scene to devolve into a porno movie, but it never happens. Miguel waxes contemplative about missing the first year (? or more?) of their daughter Maria's life. The very, very sore subject of Siren is raised and then dropped like a hot potato, and then the washing machine starts to make a loud banging noise.

Now, remember, this is all happening at Tabitha's house - Kay, Fox, Miguel, Siren, and Maria all live there, along with Tabitha and Endora. You see, Kay moved in with Tabitha a long time ago, because she wasn't getting along with her parents. She was a single mom and Tabitha was happy to have her living there so they could be two single moms together. Plus, Kay already knew Tabitha was a witch, so there was no security risk there.

Then, Kay started dating Fox and he moved in too. Why? Fox is rich. Couldn't he get his own place, where Kay and Maria could live too? Then Miguel came back from his out-of-town search for Charity, and he moved in also, I guess so he could be close to Maria. Then, only a few weeks after that, Miguel met Siren and she moved in with him at Tabitha's after ONE DAY. (Of course, it's an important plot point that Miguel and Siren aren't sleeping together, so the fact that they are living together is even more lame.)

At this point, Tabitha is running what amounts to a flophouse. I have no idea what's in it for her - she doesn't even like Siren, and she constantly has to stay on her toes to keep Miguel and Fox from finding out she's a witch. But the good news is that Passions saves money on sets this way.

Obviously, Tabitha isn't making any money off of all these bums who crash at her house. Kay explains that the washing machine makes this loud banging noise all the time, and you just have to climb up onto it and reach behind it and do something to these wires to fix it. This is news to Miguel, which implies that this is the first time he has ever done laundry in all of his weeks in the house. Maybe this explains his lack of a shirt to do laundry in, as well as his frequent lack of a shirt generally.

Cut to Rome, where it has been revealed that (gasp) Beth and Marty are alive. That didn't take long. Of course, Luis doesn't know they're alive, but we do. Beth and Marty are on the run, and they've stopped at a stereotypical Italian restaurant to get something to eat. When they arrived there early in the week, they got a big surprise: Beth's mom, Edna Wallace, runs the restaurant, along with her pal, crazy Norma Bates.

Mrs. Wallace is a very funny character who was an integral part of Beth's previous storylines. She and Beth hate each other; back in Harmony, they lived together, and there were frequent jokes about Mrs. Wallace's diapers and Beth's desperate wish to put her in a home. Due to their impoverished circumstances, the Wallaces hired an orangutan as Edna's caretaker. (Thanks to the commenter who set me straight that it was NOT a chimp.) Unfortunately, Precious the primate has not been brought back to take part in Mrs. Wallace's current cameo.

I missed the end of Beth's last storyline in Harmony, but apparently Mrs. Wallace wound up in a loony bin, where she met up with Norma Bates. Norma is also a longtime recurring character, but a boring one. She is an axe murderer by trade and has made a long string of failed attempts to kill Tabitha. Why we are seeing her in Rome, I do not know.

In the restaurant, Beth and Edna trade barbs, with Beth calling her mother a "horrible old bat." The toddler playing Marty earns my love forever when he cheerfully echoes, "old bat!" Edna wants Beth to give her some of Alistair's money, but Beth claims that Alistair never gives her any. She reminds us that Edna was such a slut that she didn't even know Alistair was Beth's daddy until recently. Crazy Norma hears the word "daddy" and starts having a freakout. Apparently, she has daddy issues. (Remember, she's supposed to be a female Norman Bates. Yawn.)

Theresa, Ethan, Gwen, and J.T. are in the catacombs. The way they got there is Passions at its most idiotic. You see, everybody figured out that Alistair was in Rome and trying to co-opt the chalice for his own purposes, so they all hustled over to the Church of the Blind Monks. (Yes, that's what they all called it.) Alistair was there cackling over his chalice while J.T. hovered around nervously, trying to get Alistair to give him some money to get out of town.

The clump of people who showed up at the church was a bloodthirsty mob out for revenge. Luis blamed Alistair for Marty's "death"; Noah was angry about the plot to keep him and Fancy apart. Fancy was there to find out the truth about her grandfather. Whitney, Chad, and the old nun were pissed about the whole "using Whitney to steal the chalice" thing. Theresa, Ethan, and Gwen were looking for J.T. But once they all got to the church, they found a big padlocked cell door between them and their prey. They could all see Alistair and J.T. and even reach through the bars, but they couldn't unlock the lock, so Luis and Noah couldn't kill Alistair like they wanted to.

Dumb and Dumber. And Dumbest.

Never mind the fact that a GUN would have solved this little logistical issue - it gets much dumber than that. You see, J.T. got nervous when he saw Theresa on the other side of the bars, so he bolted off into a side passageway. Theresa chased after him by going into a different passageway that was on her side of the bars. After a couple of minutes, she met up with J.T. in the catacombs.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't this mean that Luis and Noah could have gotten to Alistair by going through this passageway? Instead, they spent a bunch of time frantically working at the padlock. Whatever; we'll get back to them in a minute. At the moment, Theresa is once again frantically begging J.T. to tell Ethan the truth, as Ethan and Gwen look on. Theresa points out that she no longer has access to Alistair's money, so if J.T. fesses up, Ethan can no longer say that he's lying to get the reward. J.T. finally says he'll tell the truth. Gwen looks panicked.

Just as J.T. is about to start talking, Whitney runs up. She's just been talking to the crazy old psychic nun outside. Said nun told Whitney that someday she will be able to be with Chad again. So, there we have our confirmation that they are not really siblings, but Whitney doesn't pick up on this cue. The nun also said that Theresa is going to suffer great heartache. For some reason, Whitney decided this meant she had to find Theresa immediately and bring her back to talk to the nun, so here she is, interrupting at a very awkward moment.

Whitney has shed her "disguise," which means she has gotten rid of those creepy blue contacts and her light brown pageboy wig and is back to having brown eyes and long curly black hair. This "transformation" just serves to remind me once again of how not-different she looked the whole time she was supposed to be so unrecognizable. I mean, it's Passions. Couldn't she have just worn a rubber mask of someone else's face? Problem solved.

Wait, is that a new character? Oh, no, it's just Whitney.

Theresa and Gwen argue. Ethan cuts them off, as always, and urges J.T. to just spill it. There are many dramatic close-ups of people's faces. Nothing happens.

Back at Chalice Central, Chad and Luis (and Noah and Fancy) have managed to pick the lock or something, and they are actually in the room with Alistair, who is still holding onto the chalice. He's holding it casually like he's sipping a drink at a garden party. That would be awesome if he decided to start using it for refreshing beverages. If I had an all-powerful holy chalice, I would totally use it for drinking diet Coke. I would go to public places and casually pull my chalice and my can of diet Coke out of my purse and then make a big show of pouring it and swirling it all around before taking sips. Then I would loudly smack my lips. What? I mean, it seems like a waste to just leave it home on the mantelpiece or someplace.

Luis wants to kill Alistair with his bare hands, but Chad says he can't, because the chalice might be damaged in the process and then the world might end. No, really. Luis fakes everybody out, like, "Yeah, you guys are right," and then he lunges at Alistair anyway and starts trying to strangle him to death. Meanwhile, Chad is trying to pry the chalice out of Alistair's hand, but he's holding on too tightly.

Back in Tabitha's laundry room, Kay is sexily sprawled across the top of the washing machine, jiggling the wires behind it. Miguel says he's going to use some of his modeling money to buy Tabby a new washing machine. Yes, I think that would be a nice gesture. As Kay writhes suggestively on the washer, Miguel sees some old baby clothes of Maria's and waxes nostalgic again. He feels really bad about not being there for Kay and Maria.

In Mario and Luigi's Bellissimo Ristorante Italiano, Norma is still having her daddy-related psychotic break. Edna explains to Beth that Norma has her daddy's skull stashed back in Harmony. Beth calls Norma a wacko, and Norma overhears and lays into Beth for being a wacko herself. Beth objects on the ground that Marty is listening. Norma apologizes and introduces herself to Marty. She actually introduces herself as Luigi, which is apparently her alias, since she and Edna are living in Italy in hiding.

Fancy tries to make Luis stop killing Alistair. She tries several different arguments: He's my grandfather! You don't want this sin on your soul! Think of all the people who love you! You'll go to jail! You'll never see Sheridan again! Of course, this last one is the one that works, because Luis doesn't give a shit about anything other than Sheridan. He lets Alistair go, and Fancy comforts her Grampy, whose neck kind of hurts.

J.T. flakes on Theresa yet again, pointing out that there's now nothing in it for him when it comes to telling Ethan the truth. I'd say that's valid. Whitney tries some more to get Theresa to come and talk to the nun; Theresa and Gwen bitch at each other some more.

Beth promises Marty that he's going to see his daddy soon. Edna reacts with shock to the news that Luis is in Rome; Beth tells her that Luis thinks Beth and Marty are dead. Edna lays into Beth for torturing Luis and Marty this way. Beth threatens to send Edna back to the asylum, and then Norma comes over, and we get ... a plot that we really ... did not need.

Norma tells Beth, "Lay off of my Edna." Beth cottons onto the fact that there is a love connection of some sort between Norma, living in drag as Luigi, and her mother. Edna kind of tries to deny it, but finally admits that they were on the run and "leaned on each other." She gets in her own digs at Beth, recapping that Beth once also had a psychopathic mannish woman (Charlie) in love with her, and that she freely traded her kisses to said Charlie in exchange for assistance in keeping Sheridan prisoner. Beth points out that Charlie ultimately turned out to be Alistair in disguise. Yes, and that's not gross at all that you were kissing him and then he turned out to be your father. What is it with this show and incest?

Norma chimes in then, to reminisce about when she and Edna were "working on that ranch." And then, there is a Brokeback Mountain parody flashback scene, starring Edna and Norma. Wow, Passions, that's really timely and topical. I can't possibly do this scene justice. They trade lines about being hungry, and eating sheep, and eating beans, and then two hot shirtless cowboys come out of a tent and invite the two ladies to join them. I will say that I don't get the punch line, when one of the two hot cowboys says that there's plenty of room for all four of them in the tent, and Norma says, "Make it five." Huh?

I wish I knew how to ... oh, never mind.

After the flashback, Beth is squicked out and wants to leave, but Edna once again demands money. She applies some blackmail, so Beth leaves to try to meet Alistair and get the cash; Norma goes with her as security.

In the laundry room, Kay still can't get the washer to work, so Miguel tries to help her. He randomly says that this is how he imagined marriage would be. Um, why would you say that to your babymama whom you have no plans to marry? Kay writhes around on top of the washer, and Miguel offers to "help [her] get more comfortable." He does this by putting his hands on her hips and waist. Excuse me? Really, where is the BOMP-CHICKA-BOMP-BOMP music? I keep expecting the pizza delivery guy or the sweaty gardener to show up for a threesome. Just then, Kay touches the wrong wire and electrocutes them both. Yay!

Luis wants to haul Alistair off to jail, but Fancy thinks he needs medical attention. Alistair fakes sick and weak and then pulls a secret lever that caves in the ceiling of the catacombs: "You'll never take me alive!" The building shakes and the walls and ceiling all fall down, both on the group at Chalice Central and on the group at J.T. Junction. More yay!

A lot of rubble falls on Theresa. Ethan tries to dig her out. Yay! Rubble falls on him too. Then it falls on Whitney and Chad, and on Luis and Fancy, and on Noah and Gwen ... plenty of rubble for everybody! Oh, how cool it would be if they were all dead? Paloma and Simone could find them, and they could fly all of their bodies back to Harmony and have a mass funeral, and voilà, budget problems solved.

Sadly, back in Rubbletown after the commercial, Noah is the first to awaken and stand up. Oh, darn - Luis and Fancy are okay too, and they are conveniently in each other's arms. They get up. Gee, that rubble really doesn't seem too heavy. It's almost as though it were made of Styrofoam or something! They all notice that they can't find Alistair.

Softer and fluffier than a Tempurpedic.

In the other room, Chad and Whitney are fine, and also cozy in an "accidental" embrace. (Chad came running into that room to look for Whitney when the collapse started.) Gwen is fine. Ethan is fine, but he's worried about Theresa; Gwen mutters, "It's always Theresa." Theresa gets up like a zombie and starts obsessively searching for J.T., who is seemingly buried under a tomblike pile of Styrofoam rubble. Ethan helps her dig. It's fun to watch them pretending that the rubble is heavy - they do this by moving it slowly, but they don't manage to create the impression that it involves any effort.

Chez Kay and Miguel, the washing machine starts to catch fire. Miguel wakes up and manages to put the fire out really easily, but he can't get Kay to wake up. Finally, she does wake up, and they start making out. Which ALWAYS happens on soaps. If anyone is unconscious after a disaster, you can bet good money that this will lead to someone kissing someone that they are not supposed to kiss. Sometimes it goes further - in a similar situation on Days, Belle and Shawn ended up making an entire baby and not even remembering it.

Smoke inhalation is so sexy.

Gwen throws a little tantrum to try to get Ethan to stop digging up J.T. She says she needs food, rest, etc., and is nervous about staying in the catacombs where there might be another cave-in. Makes sense, but Ethan doesn't listen to her. Anyway, it turns out that J.T., like Alistair and the chalice, has vanished. The cave-in victims, whose faces are all artfully smudged with dirt, commiserate about this. You know, Ethan should really be able to deduce for himself that Theresa is telling the truth about J.T. Would she really be so obsessed with finding this guy and making him talk to Ethan if she were actually the one who had tipped the tabloid?

Okay, most everything I have discussed so far happened on Thursday or before. At this point, I missed part of Friday's show and thus a bit of Alistair's getaway, but ultimately he does meet up with Beth in some sort of a library. No, wait: It's the Crane library. Because Alistair had someone build him an exact replica of the library in the Crane mansion. In Rome. To use as a criminal hideout.

You might think this is a pretty creative way to save money on sets, but you would be wrong, because on Days, they sent half the cast to a mysterious deserted island that was just mysteriously built to be an exact replica of Salem. Now in Crane Library 2: Electric Boogaloo, Beth admires the chalice, but Alistair doesn't want her to touch it. J.T. is there too, and he's worried about being found. Alistair says there is one other person who knows about this location, but he won't be stupid enough to reveal it to anyone.

Simone and Paloma are back at that hot new club Prometheus. I thought we had seen the last of that place, but I guess we have to get our money's worth out of the set. They are watching Jessica and Spike on the dance floor; Jessica has apparently lost her mind, and/or she's on drugs again. (Earlier in the week, Spike managed to wrest her gun away from her.) Noah, Luis, and Fancy are all there, on a mission to capture Spike, since all of Alistair's other accomplices are either dead or missing. Spike is the last villain standing. I certainly never thought he was going to be alive for this long. Mazel tov, Spike!

Noah has apparently told Fancy the whole story about Lena, Maya, and why he has been such a bad, bad boyfriend. She doesn't believe him, though, so it's key that he secure Jessica and get her to confirm it. Luis and Noah pull Spike off of Jess and demand to know Alistair's hiding place.

Spike's last stand?

Fox, Siren, and Tabitha walk in on Miguel and Kay making out. Fox and Siren demand an explanation, but Kay conveniently has a seizure, so they call Dr. Eve over to the house to tend to her. Ivy (Fox's mother) comes over too. Eve checks Kay out and says she's okay, so Fox asks her about the kissing again. Oh boy. It appears that Kay's electrical shock and seizure have jolted her into some sort of brain-scrambled condition, so that she now thinks that she and Miguel are a couple. Snore.

No wonder my shirts never get ironed.

Gwen and Ethan go back to their hotel room and get it on. I guess cave-ins are even sexier than laundry-room fires. Gwen gloats inside her head about the fact that J.T. is gone and her secrets are safe from Ethan.

With the cave-in safely out of the way, Whitney finally manages to drag Theresa to visit the nun. The nun says she can't predict whether Theresa and Ethan will ever get back together or not; all she knows is that something will happen tonight to bond them more closely. By the way, it's still the same night as the cave-in, but everyone now looks flawless. Theresa is beautifully made up, her hair is perfect, and she's carrying the same purse that was recently buried in the rubble with her. The nun tells Theresa that she shouldn't get too excited about being bonded with Ethan, because she's also going to be in great pain. She doesn't have any more details to offer. What an annoying psychic.

Edna and Norma are at Alistair's hiding place, and he gives them some big stacks of cash. Unfortunately, Norma has now concluded that Alistair is her daddy, so she has another boring psychotic episode. Edna tosses out the idea of hocking the chalice for some additional cash, but Beth and J.T. explain to her that the chalice can't be sold - it's Alistair's key to becoming all-powerful. He just has to crack the code, or read the inscription, or whatever.

Luis punches the crap out of Spike when he won't give up Alistair's location. He tells Spike that he's going to be in big trouble with the law when they all get back to Harmony and Jessica testifies against him. Um, couldn't Spike just - not go back to Harmony? Why would he happily hop on the plane and fly home to face charges? He's not in any trouble with the Italian authorities, that I know of. Anyway, Spike gets Jess to drop the bombshell that they got married tonight, so she can't testify against him.

Alistair finally finds the key to the chalice inscription in one of his books. He says a bunch of mumbo-jumbo and there's a red light, and then it gets dark, and there's an explosion noise, and the room shakes. All of the assorted villains in the room are very excited.

Thanks to All4Passions for the screencaps! Previews for Monday: Siren threatens Kay. Ethan browbeats Gwen about J.T. Luis threatens Spike.

Posted by Amanda at 11:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

This submission is BANANAS!

With 10 days to go until Big Brother All Stars, we have entered the phase of animal shaming. Now, before we get any calls from PETA, let it be known that Ramses the gorilla has access to a 60 inch HDTV, Tivo & broadband connection to TVgasm.

To those of you who have submitted entries and have not been picked, u can still send in more! Even if you have won already and want a whole Chenspired wardrobe, continue to send in entries. We have had some AMAZING entries from some of our creative readers. But we are still looking for numbers to help us with our countdown; if you see it, make it and shoot it, simply send us the photo or video to madeyoulaugh@tvgasm.com, and you are automatically entered to win a Chenbot item from the TVgasm store. Multiple entries accepted!

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 11:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Big Brother, CBS

With Big Brother All Stars poised to take over our brains in just over a week, special attention has been given to all our favorite cast members from years past. As a result, nostalgia has been running rampant in the TVgasm offices, which is why we decided to resurrect this loving tribute to Big Brother 5's Jase and Scott. Rumor has it that Jase has seen this video and absolutely hates it, which is all the more reason to embrace it. For us, this montage has a special place in our hearts because at the time (July, 2004), it was our biggest post ever -- our first foray into viral video. The clip brought in so many visitors that we pretty much had to shut the site down and mirror the file on Fleshbot. Of course, that was back in the old days of TVgasm when we weren't equipped to handle more than three people viewing a movie at once. But enough about TVgasm. This is about Big Brother; so please enjoy for the second time (or perhaps the first) Scott and Jase: The Love Below.

Posted by at 9:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (19)

Buy the US Mint's 11 days to Big Brother Commemorative eleven dollar bill

This countdown is taking forever. 11 days seems farther away than 14 did! I need B-BAS!!!!! Perhaps we should use this time reeducate ourselves in preparation for what will inevitably involve a summer of Jase. It's been a couple years since the Mandana had a national voice. Well, as we did back in 2004, TVgasm is going to help you play along in the Big Brother game, by teaching what Jase is trying to convey with his Mandana code and sample photos for you to try to crack!

When used properly, the Mandana can help spawn young love.

To those of you who have submitted entries and have not been picked, u can still send in more! Even if you have won already and want a whole Chenspired wardrobe, continue to send in entries. We have had some AMAZING entries from some of our creative readers. But we are still looking for numbers to help us with our countdown; if you see it, make it and shoot it, simply send us the photo or video to madeyoulaugh@tvgasm.com, and you are automatically entered to win a Chenbot item from the TVgasm store. Multiple entries accepted!

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 10:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

If only Chenbot came with a Nav system!

While normally photoshop isn't encouraged, this one was just too good to ignore.

We have had some AMAZING entries from some of our creative readers. But we are still looking for numbers to help us with our countdown; if you see it, make it and shoot it, simply send us the photo or video to madeyoulaugh@tvgasm.com and you are automatically entered to win a Chenbot item from the TVgasm store. Multiple entries accepted!

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 7:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

1923 - 2006

Aaron Spelling was a huge architect of the TV landscape. He created monster hits like The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, and Melrose Place and a few monster flops like 10-8, Malibu Shores and, of course, Tori Spelling. While his death yesterday marks the end of an era, it also marks the beginning of a countdown to the inevitable lawsuits which will surround the distribution of his estate.

Although some doctors attribute his death to a stroke, with the first season of So NoTORIous wrapping in late spring, the most-likely cause of death is shame.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 7:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Is it us, or does this guy from the Bailey's commercial look like a black version of Jason from Laguna Beach/The Hills?

Posted by at 5:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)

After watching Wednesday's Big Brother casting special, we were a bit disappointed that the Chenbot went the entire hour without uttering the phrase "But First" even once. Surely she knows this is her catch phrase. Programmers even installed algorithms that allowed her to laugh about it on The Early Show today. We therefore have come to the conclusion that the Chenbot, for better or worse, may have been malfunctioning. Luckily, we're a pretty tech-savvy group here at TVgasm, and we've managed to restore Julie to her natural glory. Click above to see the fixed Chenbot.

Posted by at 5:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

Welcome to my first ever results-show recap. For the recap of the performance show, scroll down and look for the picture of two (clothed) people engaging in an obscene act on primetime TV! There might not be anything that juicy tonight, but hey, we got a guy in a dress right here. What more do you want?

The show starts off with a group dance to "Get Up Offa That Thing." It's very acrobatic, with lots of flips and stuff. The group dances are my favorite part of this show, even though they are the part that doesn't count. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to recap them.

Cat Deeley appears after the dance, and she is awkward right off the bat, as she describes one of the choreographers as being "in full effect." She is just terrible whenever she tries to use any kind of remotely urban American slang. (Who knows, maybe they say "in full effect" in England too, but anyway I bet they don't say it where Cat Deeley's from.) Aleks took a lot of heat last night for being too white, so I think it is only fair to point out that Cat out-whites her in all statistical categories. Cat is dressed relatively inoffensively tonight, which is no fun for me.

What's the Deeley, yo?

Same three judges from last night. Mia is wearing a ridiculous scarf/tie. Nigel reveals something interesting when he tells us that the contestants are "getting hundreds of thousands of votes each." You'll notice he did not say millions. Hm. I know it's a summer series, but those figures strike me as kind of disappointing, when you consider that Idol gets tens of millions of votes. Out of curiosity, does anyone know a ballpark figure for how many people vote during Dancing with the Stars, just for comparison?

Mental illness can be fun!


How did I miss this last night? This was Nigel krumping.

You aren't going to believe this, but we open the show with some flashbacks to last night. Man, with this level of flashbackery, this is going to become a very quick and easy recapping job. We see a little new (to me) footage of the contestants getting out of a van yesterday morning and looking sleepy, and then we go into just showing clips from the performances and judging. There is a little bit of new stuff thrown in here and there. We see Ivan complimenting Allison after they leave the stage, which is cute.

We get a reset of Nigel's "tofu" line in reference to Aleks's lack of flavor. Huh. I didn't really think that line was funny enough to merit a second airing. Do you think it has something to do with it being said by the executive producer of the show? Nah - that must just be a coincidence. I guess we should all be glad that Nigel doesn't start talking about his denture cream or his back waxing, because there's no doubt that if he wanted that on the air, that's what would be on the air.

There is one snippet of new footage that sheds a lot of light on Mia's utter dismantling of Joy's self-esteem and reasons for living last night. It's Joy and Dmitry, getting ready to go on stage for dress rehearsal. They are arguing about what is supposed to happen on beats 6, 7, 8.

Dmitry: Don't argue, because it's 6....
Joy: We should go from the beginning. From the beginning.
Dmitry: Well, I didn't make any mistakes, because somebody didn't want to practice. I'm sorry.

She rolls her eyes. He finally turns to the camera and says, "Are we supposed to be with the camera?" Yes, apparently you are. He tries to back and fill, telling the camera that they are just tired and nervous. Joy pastes on a big fake smile and says, "I just smile."

Passive-aggressive much, missy?

You can tell from this clip that they really don't like each other at all. Wow - that is a huge disadvantage in the competition. I think the underlying cause is that she sucks; she just can't dance as well as he can, and he resents being partnered with her, while she's slightly intimidated by him. My sister has explained to me that it was better last season, when contestants drew new partners every week. It does seem that that would be more fair.

Now that we've seen this backstage drama, it seems like the judges' comments last night were really about validating Dmitry. And maybe Nigel was also onto something when he suggested that Dmitry could have been trying harder to help Joy out. I wonder how much the judges know about the dynamics between the dancers during rehearsals. Obviously, they know more than I do.

Cat Deeley says, "That's how it went down last night." I swear, even with something so mainstream, yet still just a little bit slangy - she sounds artificial saying it, like she practiced in front of a mirror. Picture Queen Elizabeth saying, "That's how it went down last night." Actually, yeah. Picture that again. Wasn't that awesome?

I guess what I'm saying is that the host needs to be American, because stupid American viewers like me are programmed to think that English accents sound classy and snooty, which is the opposite of how this show should be. Yes, I know there are all different kinds of English accents, but Cat Deeley's sounds upper-crusty to me, and if it sounds that way, then it doesn't really matter whether she has a shred of class in her or not. She has too much fake class for this show. Now, if they could actually get Queen Elizabeth as the host, I would waive everything I just said. Tea and crumpets for everybody!

After the commercial, the couples are finally lined up for the start of the bottom-three-revealing process. The first three couples step forward, and hey, it's only 13 minutes into the show! Not bad. Oh, wait, I spoke to soon. Cat is verbally rehashing the performances and judges' comments again, even though we just showed clips of them five minutes ago. By the time anything actually happens, it's 14 minutes in.

First up are "Jessicker and James." That's Cat's pronunciation. A note about James/Jaymz/Jamyz/Mr. Cool/Mr. Tool. Three different people have told me that his name is spelled Jaymz, not Jamyz. Now, it would make me very happy if this were true, because it would at least be pronounceable, and it would restore the natural order of the universe. However, I got "Jamyz" from the caption they show over him on the screen (which you can see in my performance-show recap), so until I see some hard evidence to the contrary, I'm going to stick with that. Not that it matters - he deserves to be mocked mercilessly either way.

Jamyz and Jessica are safe. Remember, they did the foxtrot. Ben and Ashley are also safe; they did the "Great Balls of Fire" routine. Dmitry and Joy are not safe, to the surprise of exactly zero people watching.

The next three couples come up onto the chopping block. Martha seems to have forgotten to wear pants - that just looks weird, the way that outfit cuts her off. Musa has his hands on Natalie's waist, as always. Travis and Martha, Benji and Donyelle, and Musa and Natalie are all safe. Finally the last three couples are up. Jason and Aleksandra are not safe. Ivan and Allison are safe. Ryan and Heidi are not safe.

Note the locations of everyone's hands.

So we have a bottom three of Dmitry/Joy (the brutal excoriation by Mia), Jason/Aleks (the white girl who couldn't dance hip-hop), and Ryan/Heidi (the "pop" routine set to Kelly Clarkson). In my opinion, based on last night's performance, Ryan and Heidi do not belong in this group. However, Shane, who was Ryan and Heidi's big supporter last night, now backpedals and says that they were nowhere as good as he initially thought they were. Maybe not, but they were still better than that "Great Balls of Fire" crap, and I also thought they were better than Ivan and Allison's ultra-slow hip-hop routine.

Now comes the good part, in which the six bottom-feeders have to "dance for their lives." (How great would it be if they literally had to dance for their lives? I would watch that show.) One by one, they come out and dance for a short time - maybe a minute? - in whatever style they want. First up is Joy, whom I have pegged as solidly the worst. Oh, my God. She does a slow, bikini-clad, interpretive-type dance that I don't think would have gotten her past the initial round of auditions. When she does her post-dance interview, she sounds exactly like Kellie Pickler, complete with cutesy facial tics.

Pick Pickler!

Next Dmitry comes out ... WEARING A DRESS. I am not lying. He is wearing something that looks like a black tank top and gigantic ankle-length black culottes. He does a matator/paso doble-type routine, but the outfit also has a little bit of a samurai feel. When he starts to dance, I see that it's actually a long split skirt over a pair of pants. I also see that his tank top is more of a ladies' camisole. It's all kind of awesome, but the bottom line is that he is wearing a DRESS. Claps for being comfortable with yourself, Dmitry. His dance underwhelms me. In his interview, Cat asks him if he was disappointed in Joy last night. There is a long silence during which I balance my checkbook, feed my cat, and learn Portuguese. Finally he answers no. Very subtle!

Oh my God, that dress is so cute! Where did you get it?

Heidi really rocks her dance for her life, doing a super fast and tight salsa routine. She is all bubbly in her interview. She is really growing on me - she has a great attitude, and she also happens to be a great dancer. Ryan is next. His dance is very fluid and balletic. Again, I really don't think this couple is among the weaker contestants, but apparently Ryan disagrees. He is disturbingly self-deprecating in his interview. Bad idea jeans, Ryan.

Aleks comes out in a baggy black shirt and no pants, with her hair in her face, and engages in some weird hopping around. She is so nervous that she can't even speak to Cat afterward. She looks like she's on her way to the electric chair during the interview. Jason is last and he does a hip-hop dance that is totally competent, but more importantly, he acts like he thinks he belongs there. Just based on contestant body language, Aleks and Ryan should go home. But Joy is a worse dancer than Aleks. Really, I thought Heidi was the only one of the six who did great during this segment. The judges go backstage to deliberate, which I think is weird - what are they doing that we can't be allowed to see? They are so having a cigarette break right now.

Aleks found this shirt in the dumpster behind the methadone clinic. Obviously, it flunks the sniff test.

It looks like we're all on the same page about how well that went.

Rihanna performs. I like the song, but she lip-syncs it badly. Why is that necessary? I wasn't all that impressed by Nelly Furtado and Timbaland last week, but they did not lip-sync. I don't see why you would need to do that for a one-song performance on a crappy TV show, unless you flat out CAN'T SING. I pray for an Ashlee Simpson-type humiliating incident, but nothing happens.

While I'm discussing Rihanna and Nelly Furtado, I must voice my objection to the newfound trendiness of shorts. Shorts are not to be worn for any sort of public appearance or social event, whether one is a celebrity or not, and whether one's legs are cute or not. Shorts are for athletic activities and for lounging around your house or the beach. Oprah told me that, and while I sometimes doubt her wisdom, she was dead-on about the shorts thing.

You say S.O.S., I say N.O.Shorts.

After the commercial, we see clips of the three girls' dances again. On second viewing, Aleks might suck more than Joy. They are both terrible. Aleks's super-white hip-hop routine from last night was a million times better than this weird Martha Graham shit she is doing tonight.

Heidi gets called forward first, and of course, it's so Nigel can tell her that she rocks and she's safe. Wait, then he says Heidi is related to Benji? What does he mean? I'm sure somebody will explain it to me. Joy is called up next and told she needs to broaden her dance horizons, then told to step back.

Then Nigel really lays into Aleks. "Aleksandra, step forward. Aleksandra, I think that was a pitiful performance tonight. Your solo was just angst-ridden; there was no substance to it whatsoever. And when Cat asked you how nervous were you, you couldn't articulate how nervous you were, and that's how your dance felt. It didn't feel as though you articulated anything in your dance, and you didn't even complete it. So we're very disappointed with your performance here tonight. We weren't quite as disappointed last week; we thought you were very good, and we take everything into account, so I would suggest you work on your solo performance for next week, because you're staying."

It's called a HAIRBRUSH. Look into it.

Wow! That was a dirty trick to pull on Joy. He never said she was safe, but once she heard him call Aleks "pitiful," she must have started to feel pretty good about things. I think I agree with everything Nigel just said. Joy handles her ouster well. I am not surprised, considering how well she handled Mia blowing her up last night. She leaves smiling, and she deserves lots of credit for that. Dmitry has got to be so psyched right now.

We see clips of the three guys' dances. Dmitry is called forward first, which makes the crowd cheer wildly, because that means he's safe. Yeah, just wait until a couple of weeks from now when Nigel pulls a Chris Daughtry on somebody. But for now, things look good for Dmitry. Nigel compliments him on the fact that when Cat asked him whether he blamed Joy, he said no and blamed their suckage on a failure by both of them to approach the partnership properly. Well, yeah, he did say that, but only after a time lapse equivalent to several complete revolutions of the Earth around the sun. Personally, I wasn't impressed with his tact, but Nigel says he could be a politician. Dmitry is safe; Mia thinks he was like a Greek god tonight. RESPECT THE DRESS.

Dmitry goes over to hug Heidi and Aleks, because one of these two will be his partner for next week. Ryan is called up next. Nigel says there is a wall between him and the audience. Ryan responds with a facial expression that is sort of like, well, a wall between him and the audience.

Wait, you think I don't invite the audience into my heart?

Now Jason. Nigel says that tonight, Jason showed no personality, and he sends him home. Wow - that is some bad luck. Jason was not very good tonight, but he was good last night; he probably only ended up in the bottom three because Aleks sucked so much. And now she's sticking around, and he isn't. I guess that's what happens when we send home the bottom boy and the bottom girl, rather than just the worst two, who were clearly Aleks and Joy. Jason hugs it out with Cat. Note that during the loser montages, they play a song about "she's a beautiful girl" for the girls, and a song about "it's the end of the road" for the guys. I find that annoying. Why the difference?

So Aleks and Dmitry will be partners next week. Hm. I'm going to go out on a limb and predict that if they draw ballroom, they will do amazingly well, but if they draw hip-hop, get your barf buckets ready. Speaking of which, Aleks still looks like she's about to burst into tears. I don't get what's going on with her tonight. She looks like she got some horrible news off-camera. Or maybe it's just dawned on her that she is affiliated with this show.

Losers.


Not losers. Discuss.

See you next week!

Posted by Amanda at 4:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

The Early Show, 6/23/06, CBS

This clip is awesome, and not just because Julie Chen fist-bumps a teenager on live TV. No, it's magnificent for other reasons that all TVgasm Big Brother fans will surely appreciate. By all means, enjoy.

Thanks to TVgasm reader Christopher for the heads up. If you see something memorable or hear about something that might be Clipgasm-worthy, email me at b-side@tvgasm.com.

Posted by at 3:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

Whoa. Just when we thought that the biggest scandal to hit Ladder 62 this season was going to be Probie's penchant for cuddle breaks with his Lumberjack roommate, Rescue Me hits us with an ending, that has already caused some stirring in LAST week's comments page. Personally, I'm a little torn about what to actually call Tommy and Janet's little meeting at the end of the episode, but we'll get to that a little bit later. The Probie gaywatch continues to take suprising ups and, umm, downs, while Sean came out of the closet of his own making, proclaiming his love for CrazyTaty to Tommy. Throw in some crazy-pill popping Sheila and a Girl Gone Wild flashing her TaTas at the Chief with a dash of Al Sharpton and a heaping load of the return of Lovable Lou, and you had a solid hour of television on your hands.

The boys are on their way to a call to help a man with chest pains, and Probie is shocked that there is $1,200 in the smoking kitty. I am just shocked that Probe can count money. Tommy begs him to call the kitty a can, and once again he is ignored. Probie then enters even more dangerous waters by asking him if he's spoken to Johnny, Tommy's brother who was the victim of a Tommy hate-crime once he found out he had been sleeping with his ex-wife Janet. Tommy again plays the Irish stereotype card and says that's just how they roll in the Gavin family. Well I understand, in my family we eat our feelings, in the Gavin family they beat their feelings. Who am I to judge?

Franco and his eagle eyes spot an overturned school bus just up the road and tells them to stop the fire truck. The guys run out to the bus and ignore the other call; there is another truck being rerouted there. They try to get the kids in the school bus out through the back Emergency Door, which isn't opening. Someone should probably call in a SHAME ON YOU on the bus people. I think Connie Chung is available to cover the story.

Tommy grabs Probie and they get into the bus from one of the windows and start helping the kids get out, but there's one unlucky little rugrat stuck under a seat. We're gonna need the saw! Tommy starts to saw the girl out, but Lou, having one of his few lucid moments of late, notices that the bus is pouring out gasoline. He tells Tommy to stop sawing, while Franco runs over to get some other non-spark inducing tool. Tommy, ever the rebel, continues to saw the girl out. We then see Franco running over to the truck to get the alterna-tool and boom the bus goes up in flames.

I guess Tommy should've just waited. Now, he and the little girl are dead. PSYCH! They're totally fine, Franco just should've gotten his tool out fast enough. And to quote the amazing Michael Scott: "That's what she said."

The next day the guys are at the firehouse waiting for the crowds to start pouring in with thank yous and maybe even a hero's parade. Alas, the evil Rev. Al Sharpton has gone and ruined things for our Ladder 62 boys. Revvy Al has held a press conference to denounce Ladder 62 for saving a bus full of white kids and ignoring the black man who they were on their way to help.

Whatchu talkin' 'bout Al? Sorry, maybe I am supremely naïve even for someone who lives in New York City, but come on, Al. Really? Did you really want them to ignore the children who were trapped in the gasoline spitting, firey death trap so they could answer a call from a black guy with chest pains (which another truck was already being rerouted to answer)? Were you also an advocate of the Holocaust? I realize that I am playing right into Peter Tolan and Denis Leary's hands, but goddammit, this was annoying. Capt. Jerry gets a little screen time on the news station to rebut the Revvy, but unfortunately his name is misspelled. He does however defend the firehouse's actions saying, that he made a judgment call about the two situations without a concern about what race the kids were. Tommy then comes in with that morning's newspaper: FDNY Leaves Man For Dead. Ouch. They then start arguing that one of the kids on the bus was in fact black. Probie corrects them by saying that he thinks the kid just had a really good tan. In fact, the kid was neither tan nor black, he was Egyptian. His father is a diplomat. The guys get all excited asking why the Egyptian Diplomat doesn't come to their side and the Capt. says that he can't because he's involved in some Diplomat License brouhaha, which makes me happy because those bastards think they own the roads. Just because we can't prosecute or ticket you in this country doesn't mean you can drive like an asshole Mr. Egypt! The diplomat might not be sending the public support the Ladder needs but he is sending over a fruit basket. Yay! Sean then comes in holding a giganomous fruit basket and asks if everyone's seen the fruit, the guys say yes and for some reason start staring at Probie. The Capt. asks them to all keep a low-profile on this whole thing, hoping that the scandal will blow over.

Sean puts down the basket and asks Tommy if he can talk to him. Tommy says no, but Sean says it's important, and asks to go into the other room. Resident smiley face Lou is sitting in there and Sean asks him to give them some privacy. Lou tells Sean to blow him, and since this has become par for Course Lou's a Dickhead, no one even blinks. Sean asks Tommy if they can go somewhere else to talk, but Tommy has already moved once and that's his limit. Sean does his best Rain Man impersonation while he starts to apologize to Tommy for doing something and not telling Tommy a while ago when he should have, but before he tells Tommy what it is he's done, Tommy has to promise not to hit him. Sean starts to try to tell Tommy that he's been screwing his sister, CrazyTaty, but Tommy cuts him off, because he already knows. Sean is shocked: How is this possible!?!? Well, Sean first of all, you have the mental capacity of a fruit fly, secondly, you took CrazyTaty's cherry at Tommy's dad's birthday party. Lou chimes in with a very amusing "that particular event probably occurred in the 5th grade" comment. Tommy goes on to explain that Sean took the cherry out of CrazyTaty's drink 3 times at the party, and that's a very intimate act between two people. It doesn't take Jessica Fletcher to make the leap from there. Tommy seems to be taking the news pretty well; Then Sean tells him that he's in love with CrazyTaty! He's in love and he doesn't care who knows it! Tommy takes this opportunity to punch Sean in the nose.

Of all the girls in the city why his crazy sister? But Tommy isn't angry; he's trying to help Sean. If Sean were at the zoo and he jumped into the bear cave and started poking a bear with a stick, he'd expect Tommy to either get him out of there or call for some help, right? Why is this scenario so likely when thinking about Sean? I'm actually shocked that he hasn't ended up in a bear cave yet in his life. Tommy goes further with his hypothetical situation, telling Sean that in this case the bear is CrazyTaty and the stick is Sean's cock. I think Tommy has lost Sean, because he's now thinking of having a threesome with CrazyTaty and Morty, the circus bear, but Sean suddenly starts crying. He loves CrazyTaty! Tommy is appalled: "Are you crying over my sister?" Sean says no, that Tommy just really hurt his nose. And his ovaries.

Since Tommy is having day-o-feelings, he decides to approach Lou about the apology he thinks he deserves from the other day when Tommy interrupted Probie and Lou's philosophical brawl. Lou informs Tommy that if he's waiting for an apology, that he'll probably be waiting for a little while.

Franco is outside the firehouse, and when the Capt. comes over to him he complains that he used to go outside everyday at this time to have a smoke and now he comes outside to just breathe and it sucks. Well, at least you can breathe, Franco! SMOKING KILLS! He informs the Capt. that there is no trouble in the neighborhood, as yet, and then asks him his opinion on the old lady tail he's been tapping lately. Does the Capt. think it's weird that poor, young Puerto Rican Franco is bedding this rich, older woman? At first Capt. says he thinks it's weird, but then John Kerry's his opinion back and says he doesn't know what he thinks. But either way it shouldn't matter what he thinks or anyone else. This is quite an emotional day on Starting Over.

Later that night we catch the Capt. at his second job, not bartending, but bar backing at the pub he got a job at last week. Poor Capt. Jerry. He's lugging up cases of beer from the basement, cleaning up puke and bumping into wasted college girls. This one is named after my dear friend Kristin, or as we started calling her last week, Sally Frenchmartini.

MEET SALLY FRENCHMARTINI AND HER TATAS!!!

Tommy walks into his house after a hard day at the office, and finds Sheila on the floor cleaning up tons of photo albums. Apparently, Tommy's dad, Poppa Bear, who Sheila has been watching, had an "old man nostalgia panic attack" and went through all the photo albums in the house. Then he fell and hit his head on the toilet. Sheila was concerned that he might have a concussion so she didn't let him go to sleep. But then he just kept on complaining and complaining, so finally Sheila told him that if he wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again, then fine! Her hands are clean. But he's okay, there's no sign of a coma. Tommy feels bad for him, but Sheila says the person he should have sympathy for is her. She is stuck in the house with him all day, and has to listen to him bitch about not having a male heir to the Gavin Throne. Tommy says that he hears the same speech constantly, and Sheila has come up with the perfect plan. She and Tommy... should... have a baby... together! I love, and I mean love, Sheila's crazy girl logic. She doesn't see the downside: neither of them are getting any younger, she wouldn't want any child support, and they'll put the kid into Probie school directly after high school graduation. Genius! Umm, what if it's a girl? Sheila toys with the idea of an accidental drowning, but then says that they can do some voodoo at the doctors office where they shake up the "wigglers" and make sure it's a boy. Duh. Well, Tommy has another, better idea. He's going to the sperm bank so that he can put some of his "wigglers" on ice for future use. Sheila thinks that is nuts, and before she and her Tsunami of madness leaves the apartment, she mentions to Tommy that he might want to be nicer to black people. I love Sheila.

At Probie's apartment, he's laying back drinking a beer and watching a game, talking to his Lumberjack roommate off-screen. No big deal. But when he tells Lumberjack he needs to check something out on the TV, we see Lumberjack's head pop up from Probie's lap. Apparently, the only thing the Probie was probing was the back of Lumberjack's throat.

NOTHING GAY ABOUT THIS

OH...

...WAIT

The Capt.'s night has ended at the set of Girls Gone Wild: Sally Frenchmartini Edition, and he's mopping up, just as his punk boss, Byrdie, is leaving. The Capt. says he doesn't mind being a bitch to the twenty year olds who are bartending, but he thought that he was hired to join them back there. Byrdie tells him that once a few shifts open up they are all his. Until then, Capt. wants to know if he can get paid under the table, but Byrdie says no because his girlfriend is the accountant and you know how nasty accountants can be. He needs the Capt.'s tax information, and when the Capt. offers it up, Byrdie kind of blows him off. Poor Capt. Jerry.

Apparently, this whole time Susan Sarandon has been playing a character named Alicia, not herself on a much needed vacation from Tim Robbins. As she and Franco are about to get hot and heavy, Alicia is talking about trying out an old tongue trick that hurts so much it feels good. Franco can't believe it, but he just wants to "talk." Yet again they have one of those only on television conversations where Alicia knows everything that Franco wants to say to her. She correctly deduces that he's a little disoriented by the silk sheets and Park Ave. view, because basically, Franco comes from nothing. She also knows that he's a little concerned about the age difference, because even though she does everything he wants in bed and has given up fighting her hatred of blowjobs, he still wants to bang college girls, and he's worried that she'll find out. She knows he wants to bang college girls, because who doesn't? At her age you get to meet a lot of guys and learn a lot of things. So now that that is settled, can she please use her tongue trick on him?

Much like the head resting incident of last week (not to be confused with the head giving incident of this week), we get an inside view into the intimacy between Probie and the Lumberjack. Again, we get the distinct feeling that this isn't the first time they've had this conversation. Just like it wasn't the first time they were snuggle bunnies or the first time there was some man on man fellatio. Probie tells the Lumberjack that he's not gay. The Lumberjack agrees that he's not gay either. Sure they live together, but they don't sleep together or kiss or anything gay like that. Once a week, they reenact Liza with a Z! but that doesn't count. And it's only blowjobs, which is practically not even sex anymore, so that's even less gay. Probie then pushes a button with the Lumberjack and says that he's the one getting the blowjobs, so he's really not gay. This infuriates the Lumberjack, who starts yelling at Probie. "Are you saying that I am gayer than you?" Which leads to a classic Probe line: "If I'm not gay at all how can you be gayer than me? Use your logic, dude." Stupid Probie logic is right up there with crazy girl Sheila logic for me. So not only does Probie get to be the pitcher, he's also the brains of the relationship. The Lumberjack asks Probie if he'd ever want to maybe return the favor, and go down on him. Probe says never. The Lumberjack smirks: "Never say never." But Probie's pretty firm on the whole no-cock-in-mouth thing. The Lumberjack calls him a dick and they start beating the crap out of each other.

You know what I love about this show? We don't go back to this for the rest of the episode. It's not like later on you see them in the thrashed living room shirtless and holding each other on the floor with Probe saying: "Well, I guess I shouldn't have said never!" Because that's kind of what you expect. After this scene, I've developed a new theory on Probie: Is it possible that he's not smart enough to be gay? Now, I'm not saying that there is an IQ requirement to be homosexual; I'm sure there are just as many dumb Queens out there as there are hetero moron Meatheads. Like he said last week, he's just like Pooh, and all he wants is to feel good and not care about things he can't understand, like feelings of homosexuality. Personally, I don't think that we should be fitting Probie for a Dorothy Gale outfit anytime soon, because I think this whole plot of his is going in some unexpected places. Whatever, as long as Probie's happy, man. It's amazing that with only a handful of scenes in 2 episodes they've already made this homodrama plotline more entertaining than a whole season's worth of Vito-Johnny Cakes crap on The Sopranos. That being said, if Probie does end up being gay, I have to echo the comments of Nate from the Comments for the last two weeks, it'll be nice to see a homosexual character on television who isn't a stereotypical flaming queen. I mean, even the aforementioned Vito was outed by being spotted at the Blue Oyster from the Police Academy movies.

Tommy's on his way to make a deposit in the Sticky Bank when he gets a call from Janet. Surprisingly he picks up the phone, and they have a civil conversation. She's been crunching the numbers and if she gets a lawyer to anally rape Tommy there will be nothing left to fight over. They need to get together and pick up where they left off before Johnny's beating. Tommy gets another call and switches over and it's CrazyTaty.

IT'S IN MY TVGASM CONTRACT THAT I MUST BE ALLOWED TO POST ONE TATUM O'NEAL PICTURE PER WEEK

She's returning his phone call from last night. He tells her he knows about her and Sean. Sean's in love with her, but she's dating 5 other guys behind his back. Sean's just a good lay and a nice guy to her, that's it. You can't tie CrazyTaty down! Well, not without a safety word. He switches back to Janet and tells her that he'll meet with her at the house, but if he even gets a hint of Johnny around, he'll Hulk Smash that place into the ground. He switches back to CrazyTaty and again warns her about Sean's feelings, and he gets a call form Sheila just as he's hanging up with his sister. He proclaims it Crazy Chick Calling day. She wants to know if he's already gone to the sperm bank, and he tells her no, but he's on his way right now. She asks him how they remove the sperm , and he tells them that he thinks he'll have to learn how to do this thing called "jerking off." It'll be rough but I'm pretty sure Tommy's had some experience in that department. They get interrupted by an incoming phone call from Mrs. Statutoryrapeody! She's looking for some mid afternoon loving, and they've already let the kids out of the local pre-school. Tommy tells her he's on his way to a doctor's appointment and can't make it over. She reminds him about the deal they had, and if he won't come over then she'll just have to call his 16 year old nephew Damien to help fill out her grade book. He cracks and says he'll be in there in 10 minutes. She tells him not to be "tardy" and it's really, really creepy much like this picture:

Back to Sheila, and she's asking Tommy a little favor: Can he please think of her while he's nutting into the plastic cup. That way if they decide to use the sperm together at some point in the future at least they'll be connected in some way. SAY WHAT!?!?! Tommy doesn't know what to say so just hangs up. I mean what do you say to that? I mean, CrazyTaty even thought that was a nutso thing to ask.

Franco is cleaning up Alicia's kitchen - no that wasn't a double entendre - and screams up to Kayla to make the bed, but Alicia tells him that's not necessary and not to do the dishes either. Franco's aunt and cousins are coming to clean up the place later on in the afternoon anyway. Alicia starts to gush about how in love she is with Kayla and that she asked her the sweetest thing. Franco cuts her off and says that Kayla asks every woman to be her mommy. It's actually really mean, and it hits Alicia kind of hard, and surprisingly, Franco notices and apologizes. Alicia says that Franco seems like he's been a dad forever, and he tells her the long, sad story about how he was scared to death of being a dad and gave Kayla up for adoption, but once he saw the people she was staying with he kidnapped her, and took her back. Those kinds of people are just interested in their check anyway, so they'll never report it. It doesn't seem like a very good sign that Susan Sarandon is only signed for a few episodes this season and he's unleashing this bombshell on her.

Before Tommy hits the sperm bank he stops by Mrs. Statutoryrapeody's apartment and proceeds to prematurely ejaculate once again. Maybe while he's at the sperm bank he can ask someone about this recurring problem? They must have some very unfortunate experience in the matter. At the Sticky Bank, he gets taken into the jerk off room. He immediately complains that it's too cold, and that the only reading material available is old Playboys. When he's done he goes to the front desk to give his cup to the guy who handles deposits. Before Tommy hands over the cup, he prefaces it by saying that he had sex on his way over, so that this isn't his usual amount of love juice. The guy impatiently tells him that he's sure it's fine, but once Tommy forks over the cup, he says that it really isn't enough. He'll need to come back tomorrow. When Tommy does return the next day he is all cum-filled and ready to attack. Apparently, not ready enough, cause just as he's about to impregnate the plastic cup, he misses and shoots all over the floors. If I had a nickel for every time...The exasperated Sperm bank teller does a preliminary exam of the spunk, and notices traces of dust. See you tomorrow! Hopefully, third time's a charm.

After a few nights of pulling the late shift at Byrdie's bar the Capt. has made the ill-advised choice to take a nap on the recliner of the firehouse. Franco and Tommy decide to put him and his recliner in the middle of the street as a prank. Luckily for him, he woke up before a different fire truck roared by and demolished the recliner. Hmm. I guess that practical joke really could've gone sour.

Franco is in the "gym" at the firehouse when Lou walks in and he starts telling him about the great prank they pulled on the Capt. Lou heard about it and snaps at Franco about being a child and how they could've gotten someone killed. Ugh. Lighten up, Lou. Oh wait. He's kind of right. Franco then notices the Nicotine patch on Lou's arm, and tells him that it's against the non-smoking rule (why exactly?) and he'll have to put some money into the kitty. Lou counters by calling Franco a "stupid spic" which seems a bit excessive, but hey I didn't lose my life savings to a porn star, so what do I know from excessive? Franco gets into Lou's face and tells him that he saw him stumbling around the streets the other night like a bum, and he might be a stupid spic but at least he's got his personal life together. Franco storms out, and of course Probe hobbles in, wondering what's going on. Lou just tells him to SHHH, with his finger to his lips, which I find even more dickhead-ish.

Tommy tells Sean about the other guys CrazyTaty is seeing, and Sean says that's impossible because he'd know. Come on Sean, really? I'm surprised you know that the building you are in is on fire when you answer a call. Sean claims that there'd be clues, like other guy's underwear or socks. Or maybe there'd be one hiding in the closet or under the bed. What an ass. Sean says that Tommy just doesn't think that he's good enough for his sister, which is actually the opposite of what Tommy thinks. They get into a little bitchy push fight, and when Sean walks away, Tommy nervously asks him not to tell his sister. CrazyTaty scares even Tommy Gavin.

Lou has hit bottom. As he walked out of the firehouse later on, a large black woman asked him if he worked in there. When he responded yes, she spat in his face, saying THIS is for the neighborhood. A stranger spitting in your face is just about as bad as it can get.

So now he's at the train tracks drinking vodka straight from the bottle. Even worse, it doesn't even look like good vodka. Lou drops the bottle on the tracks, and does what any respectable alcoholic would do, he jumps on to the tracks to retrieve his bottle of GEORGI. Once he's got it in his hands he hears the humming of the deadly third rail, which will electrocute him in seconds if he were to touch it. He starts walking over to third rail, and I have to admit, I get a little nervous. After all the death this year on television, and considering that Rescue Me is the same show that offed a toddler last season, I think I have good reason to worry about Lou's life. As he gets closer to the third rail, a bum starts yelling at him. Apparently, he was going to kill himself on the track, and doesn't want to be twinsies with Lou because people will think they are in some kind of cult or involved in a gay suicide pact. Lou doesn't understand why the bum should get to use this as the avenue for his suicide, instead of him. The bum's rationale is that, well, he's a bum, so he needs this more than Lou. HAHAHAHA. Lou turns that around on him, and starts to tell him about the wife he loved and lost, the money, the house, the porn star - EVERYTHING. If anyone needs a place to kill himself it's Lou. Sadly, the bum agrees that indeed Lou is more in ndeed of suicide than he is, and let's Lou have the third rail all to himself.

It's the middle of the night and Tommy is looking at old pictures and smelling wine bottles when there is a knock at the door. It's Lou! Crazy old lovable Lou! He's okay! He didn't kill himself. I've never been so happy to see a miserable bastard alive in my life. He then proceeds to tell Tommy everything about the behavior and the money he lost and the prostitute he convinced himself was in love him. Then to make things even worse, he found out that the hooker with the lack of a heart of gold, was also a porn star. He needs to just rest and crash with Tommy for a little while. Tommy says he can have the master bedroom, but if he starts crying he won't be able to stay there.

The next day Tommy is sitting in his car outside of Janet's place, and he calls to speak to Johnny who is far away at a bar. They confirm that he'll be gone for 30 minutes and Tommy asks how Johnny's doing. Tommy's beating only gave Johnny a few broken ribs and some busted teeth. Pussy. Tommy seems like he's going to let the whole thing go, but then goes into the slow burn, and asks Johnny when it started? Was it after Conner died? When he asked his own brother to watch after his wife and kids? Johnny tells him that it started when Tommy brought Janet home to take her to his Junior Prom. She looked really good in that dress. And with that, Johnny becomes the biggest Cockface in television history. Tommy hangs up on him, and Johnny grabs his gun from the bartender and leaves the bar, sirens blazing.

Janet and Tommy are sitting together at the dining room table, and she's again going through their limited assets. He can still have the TV, but she wants the chaise lounge that he never liked in the first place. Tommy couldn't care less, and is speaking only minimally, but Janet isn't going to let him bait her. She'll need a small amount of money from him a month to help out with the girls. She'll also give him the dining room set, because she found a new one that she likes. Tommy wants to get things straight though. Basically, she's going to allow him to keep the dining room set that he paid for with the money that he earns "running into burning buildings when other people are running out." Is that right?

Tommy then pushes Janet onto the couch and rips open her shirt. Janet battles Tommy back punching him in the face making him bleed all over her. She keeps fighting him for a few more moments, at one point screaming "Does this make you feel like more of a man!?!?" But then, just when you think it's going to turn into a full-fledged rape, it seems as if, Janet starts to enjoy herself. The oh nos turn into oh yeahs, pretty quickly. Remember that these are two people who have been sleeping together for twenty-five years. And before I get inundated with hate mail, I'm not suggesting that a husband can't rape his wife. I'm just saying that I don't necessarily know if that is what this is. However, this scene has already caused kind of a controversy. A lot of people are saying that it was a rape, because well, that's sort of how it started. Honestly, I think it's just the most intense hatefuck of all time. At the same time, there was something oddly intimate about the way they were breathing into each other's face, even as the blood from Tommy's nose was staining Janet's neck. Immediately afterwards Janet covers up and Tommy zips up. He apologizes about her shirt, and she says it wasn't one of her favorites. Tommy says he should go because if he knows his brother he'll be there any minute. Janet says she'll call Tommy to finish discussing the details of the divorce. Tommy agrees. It's almost as if all the stress and hatred, has kind of dissipated from them, for the moment at least. Tommy leaves the house, and has a smile on his face. Johnny storms in a few moments later, and Janet is calmly reading a magazine (in a new shirt, of course).

So what was that scene? Decide for yourself:

Was it really a rape? Or was it just showing the intense sexual connection that these two messed-up individuals have? Does this continues the concern that some have expressed over the ongoing misogyny depicted on this show? Or are we all just looking too deeply into this, and it was just a way for Tommy to literally screw over his brother and his ex-wife in one shot. Personally, I found the beginning to be slightly disturbing, but somehow incredibly in character for both Tommy and Janet. And it definitely was not as disturbing as, say, the near rape of Buffy Summers by Spike in Season 6 of BTVS. What do you think?

Posted by Umnata at 3:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Like OMG! Did you even see The Hills?? Jason totally came back and was all like "Hey LC, I miss you" and she was like "I miss you too, but you hurt me" and he was like "I don't know what I was thinking" and she was all "Do I trust you?" and he was like "[quiet murmur]" and she was like "I'm gonna drink from my cup and smile a little" and he was like "Let's go to the movies" and she was all "we're the only ones in the theater" and he was like "Maybe have some salmon" and she was like "I don't really like salmon" and Jason was like "But salmon is gnarly!" and then LC and Jason totally like OMG! I don't want to spoil it! You totally have to read the recap!

For those of you who couldn't decipher my TeenBabble, let me translate: last night's episode of The Hills featured the triumphant return of J-Wahl, né Jason. Yes, the hirsute, verbally-challenged suitor of Lauren Conrad attempted to win back her heart after he had so callously broken it last season on Laguna Beach. But would he triumph? Well, that's like asking if Heidi struggles reading "Walk/Don't Walk" signs. The answer: of course.

Anyway, this week's episode began on an informative note. LC, slouched on her bed, called out to her roommate and asked, "How do you get rid of hiccups?"

"What?" replied Heidi, adding, "Seriously. What are hiccups? I don't know big words."

LC then repeated the question, and this time Dr. Heidi Von Schnitzelhead was able to weigh in with her official prescription: "Drink water upside down and put a pencil in your mouth." All together now: whaaa? Other home remedies from the desk of Heidi Von Schnitzelhead, MD: for headaches, stand on one leg and hum "We Are The World"; for back pain, crawl into a burlap sack and roll across a living room; and for a stuffy nose, apply masking tape to your cheeks and fly a kite.

Seriously. Drink water upside down and put a pencil in your mouth? I've heard of the water idea, but the pencil made no sense. Luckily, LC asked the question that was on everyone's mind: "Is that possible." The answer, in short, is NO.

Sadly, this foray into alternative, pencil medicines was short-lived as the apartment's doorbell soon rang. Who could it be? Jason? Nope. Just flower. Scratch that. GIANT flowers. Yes, a delivery man hauled in what seemed to be one fourth of the rain forest, and as he put the floral arrangement down on a table, Heidi asked, "Do we need to sign anything?" She then added, "Because I do not know how to write. Could be a big problem, Mr. Flower Man."

Anyway, LC emerged from her den of hiccuping hell to inspect this botanical offering, and as she read the attached card, Heidi asked, "Who did you get a tree from? Your mother?" It was a fair question. The Conrads have a long, sordid history of sending oversized plants to one another. You should see the Weeping Willow her dad imported for Christmas.

Turns out the flowers were from Jason (surprise, surprise), and the attached note read, "To Lauren. Love, Jason. I miss you." Not to be nitpicky, but shouldn't the content of the missive be before the valediction, not after? You know, like any normal letter? Just go with me on this, but maybe Jason should have written, "To Lauren. I miss you. Love, Jason." Okay, I'm being crazy. I apologize.

Well, Heidi laughed at Jason's longing, saying that of course he missed LC, but she didn't miss him. Or did she? As we gazed into LC's ambiguous eyes, we then cut to the opening credits, thus leaving us with quite the cliffhanger! Sort of. Okay, we all know they're gonna get back together. No need to prolong this. Nevertheless, after Natasha Beddingfield was done singing about whatever, we then learned the title of this episode: "Lauren and Jason, Take Two." Oooh! The prospects for romance were larger than ever! Might we see a mumbled token of affection? Or a hesitant gaze into the distance? Or maybe, just maybe, a nostalgic ride in the Hot Rod of Courtship?

Memmmmories... light the corners of my mind...

Misty water-colored memories...

Of the way we were...

Anyway, we then headed deep into the dark recesses of the Teen Vogue offices where Whitney and LC were stuck doing their manual labor of the day. And by "manual labor," I mean "like totally talking about boys!" As you can imagine, the conversation quickly drifted onto Jason, at which point Whitney asked, "What's his name?" C'mon, Whitney. Are you a total idiot? Haven't you ever seen LC's show? You know, Laguna Beach. Let me tell you all something. If I'm ever working with some girl who's on or been on a reality show, you can rest assured that I'm googling that bitch faster than you can say "stalker." I'm not even joking.

Well, since Whitney was apparently completely oblivious to the storied history of the 'Guna, LC filled her in on everything, including that notorious night at the landslide fashion show benefit when Jason like totally kissed Jessica! Ah, the innocence of high school. If anyone was missing those days of no responsibility, it was Heidi, who was presently languishing at her alleged "dream job" at Bolthouse Productions. As if it wasn't bad enough that she couldn't party in the clubs, she now had to deal with the constant headache that was "work." And to illustrate just how much "work" she had, we saw several shots of people dumping stuff on Heidi's desk. One guy named Rob went so far as to bring over seven binders and request that they be filed in the library. OH, THE HORRORS! SEVEN whole binders? She might have to make two trips!!

Even worse, some lady named Grace began pestering Heidi about making a call or whatever. God, Grace. Couldn't you see that Heidi was updating her MySpace? Besides, she didn't have time for such trivial requests. Her schedule was fully booked -- you know, 9 AM start work, 6 PM end work. She was full on booked for the day!

Later on, Heidi spoke to someone on the phone and said, "I don't know. I don't work at the clubs. I'm just returning phone calls." Yeah, that's right, Brent. Hope you overheard that because that little dollop of passive-aggression was aimed at YOU. Just when things couldn't get any worse for Heidi, along came Rob again with even more binders. What a jerk. Adding three whole minutes onto her workload!

Back at the apartment, LC checked her answering machine, and guess who had called up again? Jason! Surprisingly, his message did not consist of several quiet mumblings followed by an awkward silence. Instead, he said that he wanted to meet up and hang out or whatever, which of course made LC's eyeballs dart all over the place. She would have made Mischa Barton proud (R.I.P. Marissa).

So would LC cave in and meet up with Jason? Of course. Next thing we knew, she was putting on makeup and waltzing out to a fancy restaurant where J-Wahl awaited. Surprisingly, he was there first, and unsurprisingly, he didn't stand when she approached the table. Poor form, Jason. Well, the two exchanged brief pleasantries, and then... awkwardness. At one point, it looked like Jason was going to say something -- he inhaled deeply, opened his mouth and then... silence. Perhaps he'd already sad his three words of the day. Either way, it was a classic J-Wahl move.

He's gonna say something! He's gonna say something!

Orrrr not.

Finally, LC asked Jason why he had called her. "Because I haven't talked to you in a while," he said, adding, "Plus, you have a reality show, and I was thinking that I kinda want to be on TV again." Okay, he didn't say that last part, but he did babble on about how he missed her and felt so dumb about the whole Jessica kiss thing and blah blah blah. As for LC, she grilled him, saying how he kept acting like she was different from all the rest, but at the end of the day, he went and did what he had done to all the other girls. And Jason's response to that? He licked his lips, let out a small noise and... that was it. Well articulated!

After the break, we headed back to the Wonderful World of Bolthouse where the gang was all gettin' together for a Bolt-tastic staff meeting. Here was the big news: The Palms Casino was opening a new tower, which meant that Brent and the Bolt-ettes were going to be throwing a massive weekend-long party at the hotel. I swear to God, if he allowed Heidi to work the party, I was going to call bullshit on this entire "work experience." Then again, she was doing such a stellar job with those binders, maybe she was overdue for a promotion. Well, there was no need for the air-quotes around "work experience" because just as everyone was getting excited, Brent told Heidi, "We'd take you to Vegas, but you're not twenty-one." And with that, Heidi's face transformed from hopeful optimism to cynical depression in one millisecond. Making matters worse was some girl who laughed in Heidi's face, and then insincerely said sorry. Ha! Sucks for her. Heidi? More like Low-di. RIMSHOT!

Yay Vegas!

But not for you, BITCH.

Over at Teen Vogue, Jason showed up in the lobby sporting dumb, Ryan Cabrera hair and a handful of even more flowers. I didn't know much, but I certainly knew that Grand Overlord Lisa Love would certainly not approve. I couldn't wait to see her WASPy disdain. Unfortunately for me, the Love-meister was nowhere to be found this episode, which meant no uncomfortable confrontation. Instead, we got to see a smaller, more Vogue-y version of that famous An Officer and a Gentleman scene as Jason marched through the offices, causing women's heads to turn left and right. I half expected him to scoop LC out of her chair and walk her to the elevator, with Whitney cheering in the background, "Way to go, Lauren! Way to go!"

And in other news, I have now successfully gotten "Up Where We Belong" in my head. Must... resist... temptation... to download...

Anyway, Jason successfully delivered his flowers to Lauren, and unlike the other night at the restaurant, she seemed considerably more receptive to his advances. We could tell that she was already won over, willing to welcome her furry little boy back into her life. Meanwhile, Whitney bubbled over with benign jealousy. "I want flowers!" she chirped.

"You're next time," Jason replied, adding, "Literally. As long as you don't tell Lauren, I'll totally bone you."

Well, LC and Jason headed off to Cafe Midi for lunch, and upon sitting at the street-side table, a suddenly dainty Jason said, "Lovely!" Look, the man likes to eat alfresco. So sue him! Another thing that Jason loved: salmon. As soon as his dish arrived, he couldn't help but exclaim, "GNARLY!" Yeah, man! That salmon is totally gnarly!!! I can just imagine Jason as a culinary critic. "Amuse bouche? AWESOME! Escargot? RADICAL!! Deconstructed falafel sandwich? TUBULAR!!"

In one of the more amusing twists, Jason offered LC a bite to taste, but she rebuffed him, saying that she never really liked salmon. Well, she might as well have told him that she had killed his parents and peed on their graves. Jason was aghast. "Are you kidding me??" he asked incredulously, showing more emotion in that moment than all his appearances combined on Laguna Beach. Apparently we've massively underestimated his love of salmon. At this point, I really did believe that if he had to choose between LC and a nicely cooked slab of Atlantic salmon, he might go for the fish.

Nevertheless, LC then bored us with a silly yarn about why she didn't like salmon (the bitch!). "When I was younger," she said, "my dad used to go fishing like once a week 'cause he was like obsessed with fishing." You know, when you do something once a week, it's more of a hobby than an obsession. But I guess, LC, you wouldn't know that, would you? ANTI-SALMONITE!

Well, after this wonderful lunch had come to an end, the two talked about catching a movie that night -- perhaps a romantic comedy about two salmons swimming upstream... and into each other's hearts. Yes, it seemed as though this relationship was rapidly resurrecting itself, like a boring bagel newly reinvigorated with a slice of lox (okay, I'll stop with the salmon puns). Meanwhile, over at Bolthouse Productions, Heidi was complaining in the Bolthouse Bathroom about her Bolthouse Job and her Bolthouse Concerns. She told some woman named Elodie (which is an anagram for "Die, Leo!") how she felt left out and stuff, to which Elodie replied that she just had to pay her dues. "I quit school for this!" Heidi then whined, as if quitting school were some actual sacrifice for her (which it wasn't). And by the way, let's keep this in perspective. Heidi quit school for a part time job; so she really has nothing to complain about. Besides, last time I checked, just because an employee makes a sacrifice doesn't mean they get an automatic promotion. Then again, I am forgetting about that whole "Hot blonde girl with a camera crew following her" factor. Hmmm... would Heidi be able to whine herself into a better position? Hopefully not.

Back at the Teen Vogue offices, our favorite SWF (Single Whitney Female) continued to be totally consumed with each and every aspect of LC as she excitedly asked, "How was lunch?!?" She then babbled about how wonderful it was that Jason had brought LC flowers, but then she added slightly bitterly, "I saw [the flowers] and was like, 'She should have put them in water!'" Hey, nothing was stopping you, Whitney. Flash forward six months from now as a psychotic Whitney straps LC to a chair and seethes, "You should have put the flowers in water! You should have put the flowers in water! I wouldn't have had to kill Jason with my stiletto!"

Nevertheless, LC mused about Jason's gift, saying, "Flowers mean 'I'm sorry'; chocolates mean 'I love you.'" Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't she say that last season? Gosh, these kids are really uncreative with their hokey sayings. Anyway, the scene continued with more blah blah blah about Jason, and since I really didn't care, I kind of tuned it all out. We then went to commercial, and when we returned, we found LC and Heidi sunning by their pool. Well, to be fair, LC was sunning and texting Jason at the same time, a development that shocked Heidi. Other things that shock Heidi: balloons, dandelions, and rousing sessions of peekaboo.

"I didn't know you were talking to him," Heidi said, and clearly, she's one to know things -- as evidenced by her proficient handling of all those binders. Anyway, LC explained how she had her guard up now and wasn't going to do anything stupid. She and Heidi then managed to say "I know" and "you know" several times in a row. For example, take this interchange:

LC: It's like different this time, you know?

Heidi: Only you know.

LC: I know.

Later on, Heidi returned to the wonderful world of Bolthouse where things were going from bad to worse. Her phone wasn't working, and no one would help her with it. Plus, that other assistant, Landon, wanted her to order things! Like OMG! What is this? A sweatshop? Just when things couldn't be any worse, Heidi was then called into the office of Brent Bolthouse (which is an anagram for "Hetero Blob Nuts" and more appropriately, "He rent boob slut"). I thought she might be fired, but instead, Brent only wanted lunch. Specifically, "tuna on whole wheat with mayonnaise, mustard, lettuce ONLY! And maybe get me one of those green things?" Oh sure. A green thing! Odds on Heidi returning with a green Frisbee? 2 to 1.

Actually, in a rare moment of Heidi usefulness, she actually deduced that Brent wanted one of those nasty Naked drinks. Not that she was actually going to get one for him. You see, a few minutes later, Heidi returned with the tuna sandwich but not the drink. Oops! Don't you hate those tricky assignments? Well, Brent was not happy. "Where's my drink??" he complained. He wants his green thing! We then saw a shot of Landon smirking with pleasure. I think it was the producers' attempt to show how much everyone in the office hated Heidi and reveled in her failure, but chances were, it was just a random shot of Ladon reading an email or something.

Well, Heidi then went out to get Brent his drink, and by "get Brent his drink," I mean calling someone on the phone and complaining about how much she hated her job. Yes, what sort of draconian job makes people fetch a sandwich AND a drink? What's next? A bag of potato chips too? Heidi was not going to take this anymore. She couldn't handle it. She was going to quit! Idiot.

Meanwhile, LC and Jason met up at Hollywood's trendy ArcLight Cinemas, home to the $14 movie ticket. We didn't get to see what movie they were catching, but thanks to the clock in the theater lobby, we could tell they would be joined by the blue-haired crowd as it was only 5:45 PM. A bit early for a semi-date, yes? Anyway, the two found their seats in the nearly empty theater (again, 5:45 showing), and Jason remarked, "This is the gnarliest theater I've ever been to in my life." Yes, it was almost, almost as gnarly as that salmon. You know, Jason, a little birdie told me that the ArcLight has a delightful Chicken Farfalle. The air is thick with gnarly meal options!

Anyway, as the two waited for the movie to begin, we watched as they gave each other furtive, seductive glances. The lights in the theater finally went down, and so began their viewing of Aquamarine (just a guess). Afterwards, Jason drove LC back to her apartment, and upon dropping her off, I thought for a moment that we might just get a kiss. But alas, all we had was a hug. Just a hug. But wait! There it was! A full-fledged kiss! They're back, ladies and gentlemen! All is right with the world again. Gnarly!

What did you think about this episode? Should LC have taken back Jason? Should Heidi quit? And what's better: Laurason or Jasren?

Posted by at 2:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (32)

Sure, Rob Reiner, Christopher Guest, Michael McKean and Harry Shearer are funny guys and all, but their musical mockumentary, This Is Spinal Tap, only went to a 9. What it was missing was the comedic sensibility, timing, and dare I say brilliance of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Christina Aguilera, and, of course, Sir Elton John.

Fortunately, VH1 is willing to tackle the subject of the fake band with Who Is Platinum Weird, which premieres July 5, 2006 at 6pm. For those of you who are out of lithium, this may be the perfect substitute. I myself got 4 cavities, had 3 seizures and got 7 vomit sessions during the above preview.

Enjoy.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 11:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

In terms of sheer minutes of time-wasting power, this show may be the single largest piece of summer trash in existence. Yes, I'm talking about So You Think You Can Dance. Now, I just started watching this show, and I am no kind of dance expert. However, I do know a lot about trashy TV shows, and that is one of the most valuable skills a person can have in today's society. (Youth of America, take note.) If I get stuff wrong, feel free to chime in in the comments.

The show opens with a dance-in. Some music plays and the host announces the dancers one by one; each does a few seconds of improv dance in his or her preferred style. Most of these dancers are still a blur to me at this point, but a few of them stand out based on what I saw last week:

1. Donyelle. Last week, she was unfortunately forced to dance to a song called "Too Much Booty." And, I mean, she's no Mandisa or anything, but she does have a booty. Her current outfit is unflattering. You should sense a dramatic upcoming storyline entitled Donyelle's Weight.

2. Martha. My favorite last week. Martha has a stealth body. From the neck up, she looks very conservative, like a Huxtable. But her outfit last week revealed that her body is just breathtakingly awesome. No, that isn't why I like her. It's just noteworthy, that's all.

3. Jamyz. This calls for an intervention. J-A-M-Y-Z does NOT spell "James." Just looking at this spelling makes me want to punch this guy in the teeth. I may have a hard time calling him by his alleged name - will have to think of something else to call him.

4. Ivan. I saw enough of this show last week to know that Stanislav wuz robbed, and Ivan should have gone home. Thanks also to my sister for laying this all out for me with great eloquence - I am lucky enough to have a few relatives who are highly trained experts on this show, so I will be relying on that.

Other random things I notice during the dance-in: A few of the guys have long hanging-down suspenders that twirl when they twirl. (Some of these guys are awfully twirly.) And for the second week in a row, Jessica and Joy stand out to me as bad dancers.

After each person gets announced and takes his or her few-second turn in the spotlight, they all wrap up the intro segment with some awesome Thriller-style dancing. The girls march up in formation, and then the guys march up in formation, and then they kind of intermingle. There's lots of shoulder activity. This is my favorite part of the show. When I saw this part last week, I went from dreading this show to loving it in the space of a few seconds. I mean, it has '80s Jackson-video movies; it has ridiculous outfits; it's all divided into boys and girls. There is a very retro feel to the whole thing. I think this is intentional and is the whole secret to this show's appeal.

Then they introduce the host, Cat Deeley. She is an immensely tall blonde British model person, and as my sister points out, she is especially ill-suited to this job, because she towers over all of the dancers. You know how sometimes a female sportscaster will interview Shaq on the floor after a game, and you can't hear anything he's saying, because even though the reporter holds her microphone up as high as she can, it's still too far away from Shaq's mouth? Well, this is the opposite of that, and it looks just as silly. With Cat Deeley, we can hear everybody, but she has to practically bend at the waist to talk to the dancers.

Now, the way that Cat Deeley looks when she is standing next to the dancers is very reminiscent of a certain zoo animal. And the dress that she was wearing last week proves that she does not shy away from this resemblance at all - nay, she embraces it.

I browse on the twigs of trees, preferring plants of the Mimosa genus, but I can without inconvenience live on other vegetable food. (Source: Wikipedia.)

This week, she extends the wildlife theme with an even uglier dress, which has some sort of snake/dragon thing printed on the front. Maybe next week she will go all the way and just come out wearing a panda suit. Memo to anyone from the show who is reading this: You are welcome to use that idea. Really, it's okay, you can thank me later.

Now, the judges. Shane Sparks is a choreographer. Mia Michaels is a choreographer. Nigel Lythgoe is the executive producer. I am immediately crushed to see that the crazy judge from last week, Mary, is no longer there. As I'm sure literally millions of people have observed, she was a poor man's Paula Abdul, and I had plenty to say about that. Starting with the absurdity of the very concept of a poor man's Paula Abdul.

Cat eggs the crowd on to boo the judges. You see, on this show, the host just goes right ahead and instructs the crowd to boo the judges, before anything even happens. I'm confused. We're just supposed to hate the judges on principle? But what if they say nice things? Is reality-show judge now a job like personal-injury lawyer or used-car salesman, where you are just assumed to be scum on principle? Or is this show just desperate for some semblance of conflict, however canned? I'll let you be the, uh, judge of that.

Cat asks the judges to talk about some of their memorable moments from the auditions. Oh, NO. Last week, we devoted a huge chunk of time to rehashing the auditions, and I was thoroughly bored even though I had only seen one audition episode. Sorry, guys, it's not American Idol, and the auditions are not entertaining. The one audition episode I did see made me think this show was going to be mad boring, which it is not. I think maybe the only way to get through this is to drink whenever they show audition footage. Ready? Make sure your glass is full.

Shane talks about the girl who threw up during her audition. Yes, it's as gross as it sounds, and this is at least the third time I've seen it. Scratch that drinking idea.

Mia reminisces about a gender-confused person, whom she calls "it." Nice. We roll tape, and it's the first time I've seen this one. It's actually a pretty clever audition - the guy comes out in full drag and removes his drag as he does his routine. Incidentally, it is in no way hard to identify him as male, so I'm thinking the word "it" was not really called-for.

Nigel's special audition moment is a guy who used the stage name of "Sex," which is awesome. I can't believe no one famous has used that yet. They show it and the guy is not cute, can't dance, and is obviously auditioning as a joke. I hate it when Idol gives those people airtime, and on this show, it's even worse. Don't encourage them!

Cat runs down the prizes, and reminds us that the main one is a job as a backup dancer in Celine Dion's Vegas show. Gack - that's not a prize, that's a violation of the Eighth Amendment. I suddenly have a vision of the dancers all frantically trying to suck as much as they can so they can get kicked off and escape this fate worse than death. This show is officially neck-and-neck with Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire? in the competition for Worst Reality Show Prize of All Time.

We now meet a guy whose name I can't understand when Cat says it, but it sounds a little bit like Hood, and I am going to call him that because he is also wearing a hood. Hood auditioned for this show, but he was cut because - um, I don't know why. Because he was good? They show clips of his auditions and he is fantastic - his style is martial-arts-inflected break dance. I'm going to guess that they cut him because maybe that was all he could do, although this is not explained.

Cat asks Hood if he gets recognized for being on the show and he says yes. She asks him if has met any girls. Um, Cat? Has it occurred to you that maybe - just MAYBE - some of the male contestants on So You Think You Can Dance are not really into girls? Heterosexuality doesn't seem like that safe of a bet in this crowd.

I'm not saying all male dancers are gay, but this gives me an excuse to discuss my favorite news quote of the week. White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen has come under fire for calling a reporter a "f--king fag." His main defense is cultural - things are different in Venezuela where he's from. Sorry, Ozzie, but that's weak. What is hilarious is his list of secondary defenses, which are dutifully reprinted in every article about this incident. Here is the quote, from several articles: "Guillen also told Couch that he has gay friends, attends WNBA games, went to a Madonna concert and plans to go to the Gay Games in Chicago."

Is it just me or does this sound like something Jon Stewart or Weekend Update would have added to the story? I just wish Ozzie had said, "Oh, and I also love So You Think You Can Dance," because then I would not be off on such a tangent right now.

Ahem. Hood and his "crew" perform. They are amazing; they do all kinds of crazy acrobatic moves. Again, all very mid-'80s in flavor. But let me get this straight. Rejected auditioners get just as much stage time as finalists do? Yikes, if we have this much filler now, while there are still 18 contestants, I shudder to think what we're in for later in the season. "We'd like to welcome Joe, the security guard who works the back entrance of this auditorium. He will performing a special interpretive dance routine set to the music of the Baha Men."

At 17 minutes into the show, we finally find out who's dancing first: Martha and Travis. Yes, my early favorites. (What journalistic objectivity?) Last week, they danced Broadway; this week, they will be krumping. This rocks my worldview a little, because so far I haven't seen a single routine on this show that looks like it was choreographed after 1992.

We meet a guy named Lil "C" (his use of quotation marks, not mine), who says he is the co-creator of krumping, which he calls "a dance style that looks very aggressive." From what he's doing, this seems like a fair description. Travis and Martha are both "lyrical" or "contemporary" dancers, so they are not used to krumping. Oh, the dramatic tension.

I should explain that Lil "C" is the choreographer for this couple tonight. According to the format of the show, each couple will dance a different style (drawn from a hat) and will have a different choreographer. I believe they reuse choreographers, and also select some of the judges from among the choreographers.

At 19 minutes into the show, we start our FIRST routine of the night. Travis and Martha krump their little hearts out. To me, they look like total pros. And the judges like it too! Oh, man, my krump-assessment instincts are dead-on. I feel so validated. Shane Sparks says that Travis was great, but Martha was just okay. Mia says that the routine was dirty, raw, and ugly. These are all compliments. (Cat repeats this back and of course she says "rawr" instead of "raw.") Nigel says that when Lil "C" krumps himself, it's better, but Travis and Martha were still good.

Travis responds to some of the positive judging by saying, "Lil 'C' brought the monkey and an animal outside of me." Who with the what, now? He then goes on to say, "I got bucked like a buccaneer." Um, Travis? Don't ask, don't tell, buddy. Unfortunately, these animal comments also echo some things that were said during the rehearsal segment, when Martha said the dance was "animalistic" and Travis compared it to King Kong. Hey, kids - you might want to tone down the repeated jungle references. I'm getting the sense that the cast of this show did not sit down for a big sensitivity-training seminar before they started to tape.

"But did they krump their way into your hearts, America?" That's what Cat Deeley wants to know. After the commercial, we move on to Jessica and Jamyz, which I swear looks like it should rhyme with "The Miz," and it's driving me crazy. They draw foxtrot, and Jamyz is bummed because, he says, "The foxtrot isn't very popular with the public." Yes, I hear the foxtrot's approval rating has fallen to an all-time low. Why, just yesterday I was in line at the supermarket and I overheard someone saying, "I simply adore the Viennese waltz, but that foxtrot leaves me cold."

We go to rehearsal, and the choreographer is Mary Murphy! Yes, the poor man's Paula Abdul from last week. Please let her laugh. Please let her laugh. I want her to laugh because she laughs EXACTLY like the mom on That '70s Show. (And remember, the mom on That '70s Show is doing it on PURPOSE, as a JOKE.) And ... she laughs! Jackpot!

She tells them they are going to be doing a "bluesy, jazzy, American-style foxtrot." So, not a foxtrot, then? Mary refers to Jamyz as "Mr. Cool." I was thinking more like "Mr. Tool." He's got the open shirt with the loosely knotted tie, like a drunk Bruce Willis in Moonlighting. I really hope they told him to wear that, because if not, he is an even bigger tool than I thought. When he does a spin, we see that he has "Rebellious" lettered across the back of his button-down shirt.

That's Mr. Tool to you.

Then the routine starts, and this couple has to go and ruin my hatred of them by dancing to a song I love, which is the Sinéad O'Connor version of "Why Don't You Do Right." That whole album is genius. Mr. Tool and Jessica do a great job. I have a strong suspicion that there is not much foxtrot going on, but there probably isn't a lot in Celine Dion's show, either, so that's okay.

Shane calls the routine perfect. Mia calls it mature, slick, and "bloody beautiful." Nigel says that Mia's English accent sounds like Dick van Dyke. I didn't think she was trying to do an accent at all, but whatever. Nigel liked the dance, but he says that last week this couple landed in the bottom three with an even better routine, so he's worried about them now. The crowd boos a little. Why? That sounds like a perfectly valid concern to me, and also a helpful tip to Mr. Tool's voting bloc, should he possess one.

Allison and Ivan are next, and they draw hip-hop. They are happy, but once again, we are cautioned that Allison dances "contemporary jazz," so this may be hard for her. She interviews that she doesn't have a lot of experience with hip-hop, "especially ghetto style." I don't even know what that means. She's saying hip-hop comes in "ghetto" and "non-ghetto"? And she has more experience with the latter? I would love to hear an elaboration of this theory.

Now remember, the consensus from last week is that Allison is good, but Ivan sucks. He landed her in the bottom three. He is inexplicably still on the show, instead of Stanislav. I have to think that Allison is really bummed that Ivan did not get the boot, because if he had, she would have been partnered with Stanislav, who was good, and whose own partner went home. (Note that the show has not explained this part of the rules, but I have to assume that if two people go home who aren't partners with each other, then the leftover partners get put together.)

The way that the show is set up this year, Allison is stuck with Ivan until he goes home, so this week he may drag her down into the cellar with him again. Let's watch and see! For the routine, Ivan wears a camo jacket and a do-rag, and he looks like a total idiot. The dance is lame. They don't mess up or anything, but it's slow and to me it looks simple compared to the other dances.

Cat calls Allison and Ivan "too cool for scho