More fun times on Fresh Meat this week. Tempers escalated from mild simmer to, uh, less mild simmer, and one team even got the boot. That's right. The producers kicked off one unlucky duo, surely shocking everyone who hadn't already been watching ALL SEASON LONG. But I won't spoil the surprise. What do you think I am? An MTV promo? But aside from all the controversy, this was a generally ho-hum episode (as the non-Exile episodes usually are). On the plus side, however, we saw the beginnings of a new rivalry and discovered that Linette can be a very, very, VERY sore loser. And let's face it -- it's about time we had a sore loser around again (cough, Veronica, cough).

This week's episode began with placid images of Australia. Ah, the impossibly inviting surf! The luscious green countryside! The errant wallabies dancing to the tunes of didjeridoos and Kylie Minogue. Okay, maybe not so much that last thing. Either way, the continent Down Under was looking its very best, and our nimble young cast members should have been passing the time frolicking in the sunshine, but instead, all was saw was strife. Not major strife, but definitely pain. Yes, Evan and Coral, returning from their little visit to the Kangaroo State Hospital (I'm assuming that's what it was called. They name everything after kangaroos down there, right? No?) seemed barely able to walk. For those who don't remember, Coral had managed to knock her kneecap up to her groin or something like that, and Evan was still suffering from the joy that is the sports hernia. He showed up at the compound first, and unsuccessfully attempted to hide his injury.

"There's a 99% possibility that it will cause that permanent damage, but I'm of the mind that if I just ignore it, it doesn't exist," he told us. And if there's anything a man can forget about, it's when his intestines spill into his ball sack. Sorry, that sounds gross, but it's just the nature of the beast. I know. I endured such an ailment. It wasn't pleasant.

Anyway, as everyone noshed on random sushi, Evan did a little damage control, telling the other cast members that Coral's knee wasn't that bad, but people were doubtful. Derrick had even heard rumors that Evan may have been suffering from a hernia. Well, this ship of lies sprung its first big leaks when Coral returned on crutches. Even though her kneecap was back where it was supposed to be, the girl could hardly walk and only had one day to recover. But yeah, she should be fine!

Aviv then came on screen and acted all concerned for Coral, saying how she was worried how this would impact her game. Of course, we don't know why Aviv was concerned. In case she'd forgotten, Coral was her, you know, OPPONENT. Meanwhile, Coral did her best to play down the whole injury. "I don't want everyone to think that I'm this crippled person," she said. Now, if there were a spider bite involved, it'd be a whole 'nother issue.

Now, just in case you were wondering why these two were hiding their injuries, Wes came on screen to happily explain the reasoning. He noted that if Evan and Coral were considered a weak team, they'd be thrown into Exile in a heartbeat, which made sense, I guess, but then again, they'd probably be thrown into Exile if they were too strong a team. Point is, Wes is an idiot and no matter what comes out of his mouth, I'll always find a way to make him seem like a dolt. It's unfair, I know, but that's the joy of being a blogger.

The next day, Linette, Diem, and Aviv all sat and talked with each other, telling us how they've become such wonderful friends. Friends for life even! Of course, this meant that clearly they'd be pitted against each other in the next twenty minutes, which really is the beauty of a good reality show: tearing apart the bond of friendship just as it so happily forms.

Still, the girls seemed prepared for such a situation. Aviv told us, "The game is getting personal. There's a lot of social politics." A lot of social politics -- as opposed to a time when there weren't a lot of social politics? Sorry, Aviv, but these challenges are all about the backstabbing and lying. If you think it's just starting to turn ugly, then you truly are fresh meat.

"Why yes, I do enjoy looking like a little boy with an oversized head!"

Anyway, Evan came on screen again to remind us that he wasn't allowed to do any lifting, and then we zoomed off to the day's challenge where we saw two long rope ladders hanging from a suspended boat. Yup, this was bad news for Evan. Rope ladders + gravity = bad news for happy hernias.

Sure enough, as the gang all assembled to learn the rules, TJ announced that because of their injuries, Coral and Evan could no longer participate in the Challenge. I don't know why they were so shocked. They should have seen this coming. Nevertheless, everyone's jaws dropped, especially Diem's which hung wide open as if to say, "Damn! I have cancer, and they let me play!"

Well, Coral, who'd never been cut from a challenge, was not happy about this. "That's such bullshit!" she scowled as she limped away. Yes, total bullshit. Don't let that limp fool you into believing she can't walk normally! Evan was also furious with the decision. His rectum may have been in his scrotum, but dammit, he wanted to play!!! The two both appealed their case to the producer, Justin Booth, reality stars are no match for the potential lawsuits and liabilities a production company could face. Smell ya later, Crippletons!

As Evan came to accept his fate, he told us, "A hernia could kill you. It could strangle your intestine, and you die. BUT--" There's a "but"? Isn't it sort of like case closed after the whole "you die" part? Nevertheless, Evan believed that there was a better probability that they'd win the Challenge over him sustaining permanent damage. And let's face it -- a lifetime with a colostomy bag would be worth it for a few extra dollars.

Tina went up to Coral and tried to console her, saying, "Do you know how weird this is for the game now?" Yeah, I don't think Coral wanted to hear that. She looked like she wanted to shove Tina's face into a wood chipper. Then again, who doesn't? (By the way, is it completely reprehensible for me to say that Tina is actually tolerable and mildly likable this season? Oh, I feel a part of me dying even typing this.)

Anyway, the lame-o's eventually left, and we returned to the challenge. TJ informed us that there'd still be the same number of Exiles and challenges. The only difference was that three teams would compete for the final prize, not four. And now this week's competition. It was called "Batten Down the Hatches." Basically, teams would start in that boat that was suspended high above a lake or river. Each person would have to climb down the rope ladders, and then at the bottom, they'd have to somehow figure out how to swing the ladders toward each other so that each team member could switch ladders. Once this was accomplished, they'd then climb back up to the boat. Team with the fastest time would win. Got it?

Well, first up were Wes and Casey. She said she wanted to step it up a notch before she vomits, but I say vomit away, especially if you can somehow do it on Wes's head. Unfortunately, Casey may have wanted to step it up a notch (no pun intended, what with the rope ladders and all), but the two once again clocked in a pathetic performance. They simply could not swing their ladders towards each other, no matter how hard they tried. Casey even tried to move her arms through the air as if she were doing the breast stroke, but as anyone who's tried to do the breast stroke can tell you -- it kind of doesn't work NOT IN THE WATER. I was really hoping the simple idea of body motion would cross their minds, but no such luck. As he's done in many challenges, Wes simply hopped off the ladder, disqualifying his team in the process. Don't worry, Casey, he'll blame you for the loss later.

Next up were Tina and Kenny who seemed to be facing the same dilemma with their ladders, but at least Tina was more inventive with her strategies. Granted, she wasn't always successful, and her first few attempts left her looking like she was having a religious rapture on the ladder. But eventually, she figured out that she could climb up the ladder and swing the slack over to Kenny, and thus the official strategy was born.

There's probably some gynecological joke to be made here, but do we really want to go there with Tina? No. No, we don't.

All the other teams followed suit with nary an incident. The only one who had any problems was Darrell, who accidentally slipped and fell off, taking his team out of the running (and yes, again Diem was SHOCKED!). As everyone went up and down, Wes and Tina realized that they were going to be the Exile targets once again. Their only hope was to ally together and rope in a few other teams to maybe take out the power players. Sounds good in theory. Let's see. I wonder if Wes can screw it up.

Anyway, once everyone was done, TJ gathered everyone around and read the results. Coming in fourth were Tina and Kenny, followed by Shane and Linette in third, and Theo and Chanda in second. That meant that Derrick and Diem took first place, winning their first competition. It was all happy happy joy joy until Diem realized she had to pick someone to go into Exile. What a buzz kill!

Well, Diem and Derrick had a little powwow, and the bad news for her was that he wanted to vote Shane and Linette into Exile. This was bad news for Diem who had earlier crowed about her BFF status with Linette, but oh well. That's the way the cookie crumbles! With Diem already hanging her head low and crying, Derrick announced their decision, and it could not have been received any worse. Linette had such a sour face on it was like she had just found a mighty pubic hair in her salad. She threw down her bag like a spoiled brat and huffed off in anger with Aviv following just a few steps behind. Hey, what happened to all that understanding about how the game was getting personal now? She had to know something like this was coming. Dumbass.

Meanwhile, Diem stood off to the side crying. Tina consoled her, saying that it's part of the game and everyone has to realize it. She then added, "Come to the dark side! Join me and Veronica! Join us!!!"

Well, with Shane and Linette on the chopping block, Tina was absolutely excited about her prospects. "The game's all flipped around now!" she said. I didn't really know what she was talking about. It's not like there's been any sort of discernible "game" regarding alliances and voting patterns. It's just been a hunky dory parade of teams winding up in Exile based on crappy performances. It didn't really seem like any sort of power structures had been upended. Nevertheless, Wes and Casey then happily noted that they were gonna gun after Theo and Chanda, which pissed Darrell off because I guess they were allies or something.

"Be smart about it, Bro," Darrell told us, regarding Wes's scheming. "You think I'm stupid like I was born yesterday? I'm not from Kansas. I'm from the town, baby. I recognize shit!" It was actually pretty funny, most likely because he was just reiterating that Wes is an idiot.

Well, Darrell went into the delibs gunning for Wes, and everyone pretty much followed suit. Oh, but first Shane and Linette had to leave the room, and of course, this was the perfect opportunity for Linette to roll her eyes and act like her mom just ordered her to go upstairs and do her homework. Anyway, Darrell and Aviv voted to send Wes and Casey into Exile, but who did Wes and Casey vote for? Theo and Chanda? Nope. They voted for Tina and Kenny. Wait, what? Weren't they supposed to be allies? Just when I thought Wes couldn't be more idiotic, he does something like that. He later explained that he saw the way the tide was going and didn't want to ruffle more feathers than necessary, but c'mon, you don't burn the one bridge you're lucky to have!

Nevertheless, Wes and Casey were voted back into Exile. Everyone was hoping they'd lose, especially Theo who, if you remember, has a little thing with Linette. Forgot about Theonette, didn't you? Still, Wes wasn't concerned about his opposition. "I am not scared whatsoever to go up against a gay guy and a skinny girl," he said, becoming even more of a douchebag than we ever thought he could be. Yay!

The episode then drew to a close with Linette and Aviv talking about the massive betrayal of Diem. With any luck, this will surely turn into a massive cat fight. If only Coral were still around to show them how it's done. What did you think about this episode?

Posted by at 9:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (35)

While the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency seems to be off to a good start, one does wonder just how viable the whole enterprise would be if all of these potential clients weren't getting free publicity from the television show. That being said, she seems to be trying her best to actually run the business. She is constantly looking for new models, and she has signed a business manager who appears to be more into making money than being on TV, so that is a start. While her models have been getting gigs for some clothing lines and for commercials, Janice wants her models doing high fashion. 1-800-DENTIST might pay the bills, but the Da Vinci smile isn't going to get anybody on the cover of French Vogue. This week, Janice's models got a small taste of the runway for a Virgin Megastore fashion show, but first they were going to have to learn how to walk.

Although she hasn't put anybody on the cover of French Vogue yet, Janice is still very proud of her models and her company. Clients are coming in from all over the place, which Janice says speaks well to the agency, but again, I say that it speaks mostly to the fact that she has her own television crews all over the place. Still, it was a big day for the company when Chip Dorsch, head of the new Virgin fashion line, and Niki Shadrow, aspiring fashion producer, showed up to pick some guys and girls for a runway show that was happening at the Virgin Megastore.

After careful consideration, Nikki and Chip made their picks. Among them were "veterans" like Stina and Ms. Fargo, but we also had a bunch of first timers like Nyabel, Claudia (the transsexual), and Brittany, the 16 year-old that Janice found in Vegas. The guys included Chris, Tony Perez, and Marcus.

All of this is great news, but Janice does have a slight problem in that none of her models can really walk, and she promised that they would be able to walk in time for the shoot. To tell you the truth, this is probably not that big of a deal for this particular shoot. This show was not going to be part of any larger fashion show, but rather a one-time thing that was taking place in the store itself. Putting together a fashion show doesn't mean that you are the height of haute couture. As of this writing, the Virgin website doesn't even list Virginware (as the clothing line is called) on the website in the US. Therefore, I can only imagine that if Ms. Shadrow or Janice fuck up, not that many people are going to notice.

Janice took all of her models, men and women, to Level 3 studios for their walking lesson. You may remember from the audition episodes that Janice did single out Claudia for having a great walk, but even she could learn a few things, so Janice had a couple of drag queens come over and teach them how to walk. Now, I have been doing writing on various modeling shows for a while now, but can somebody take some time and explain to me why men dressing up as women are always the ones that walk the best? Is it the hair? The makeup? The attitude? Is it because they always have to be conscious about not walking around like they have balls?

While the girls seemed to be fairly receptive about the idea of learning their walks, the guys seemed to have a really big problem with it, like they were somehow above learning how to walk from guys wearing dresses, as if it was somehow going to impugn on their masculinity. Come on! These guys are male models! Sure they may not be effeminate and some of them have rugged looks, but they are still male models! Did you see the guys when they were packing for New York? There were more soaps and lotions than the Clinique counter! How can they turn their noses at walking lessons from a couple of drag queens? If football players can take ballet, then these jerks can surely learn a thing or two about the runway from a couple of dudes dressed as women.

You probably thought that the drag queens were the strangest part of the lesson, but you would of course be wrong. Janice proceeded to trot out a couple of belly dancers because she wanted everybody to be comfortable with their bodies. Oh, I've got an idea, why don't you point out all of their bad parts with a sharpie! That will make them feel better! I guess I can kind of understand how belly dancers could make you feel more comfortable with your body, but as our favorite model booker Kodi Foster said, it might be a lot for them to be taking in all at once. These people could barley walk a few minutes, and now you've got them gyrating all over the place? Smells like a recipe for disaster, and to top it all off, Janice was upset that some of the models were shy about walking around in their underwear. She was showing NO mercy, not even for the people who showed up to the lesson not wearing any underwear. See, if you are going to do French Vogue, you are going to have to be willing to show a little boob or a little pube every now and then. But come on Janice, not everybody is so comfortable showing their ass off in public.

Part of the hype for this week's show was the creative differences that Janice had with Niki Shadrow, and something was bound to happen when Janice arrived with her models at Niki's store for the fitting, and Niki said that she wasn't ready. Niki has one celebrity client, and that client happened to be there when Janice showed up. Janice, who doesn't want to be number two to anybody. It's bad enough that she has to deal with a beginner like Niki Shadrow, but that doesn’t mean Janice is going to make it any easier on anybody.

Niki said that her goal was to have a rocking show with rocking girls, but she and Janice were having a difficult time merging their creative visions. To Niki, rocking girls meant short and sexy, but Janice thought that Niki's short and sexy was really just short an skanky, and she objected to almost everything that the girls were wearing. She became so exasperated at one point, she asked Gabe to get control of Niki "or I'll slash my wrists and choke on shrimp". Choke on shrimp? Is that some kind of model threat I haven't heard of?

I'd pay $100 for that! Oh, you're talking about the dress? Nevermind.

After a little while, Niki brought out some looks that Janice thought were more acceptable, although she thought some things were still too short, saying that her girls aren't going to walk around with their vaginas out, because it's not a good look. Oh really Janice? Again, I reference the Surreal Life:

It's not a good look

I can understand that Janice wants to have standards, but I think she is sending them mixed messages if one day she is telling them they should be comfortable naked, and the next day she spends trying to cover them up. Yes, I know that Virginware is not Chanel or Armani, but Janice's agency is not Ford or Elite. You have to start somewhere if you want to get better.

At the fashion show, Janice became even more upset. Her first complaint was with the runway, which she called a picnic table. Again, what did she expect? This fashion show was taking place in the Virgin Megastore at Hollywood and Highland, in the same complex where Janice's modeling agency is located. The venue was just about as big as it was going to get. And just imagine, all of this complaining happened before she saw any of her models on the actual runway, and that's where she and Niki once again butted heads.

Like I said before, Niki wanted rocker girls, but what it looked like was an audition for some soft-core porn. It was quickly spiraling into a disaster, and Janice was threatening to pull out of the show completely. However, it is pretty much an empty threat, and it looks like the only thing Janice wanted was a lot of attention. Yes, she didn't want her girls to act too slutty on the runway, but the real reason she was making a scene was because she knew she could and still get away with it. Think about it, would she be pulling this shit with Kai Milla? I don't think so. As much as Niki wanted to pretend that it was all pissing her off, it was all worth it to get her name out there. However, at the end of it all, she said that she was challenging Janice to a walk-off at the afterparty, and no matter what I say about Janice, she could wipe the floor with Ms. Shadrow in a mother-fucking walk-off.

When it came time for the actual show, most of the drama seemed to go away. Janice round her models up beforehand and told them not to be strippers, and for the most part they followed her directions. It was nice to see all of the models get up there, because they really are excited by everything they are doing, and for the most part, they all seem a lot more real an unrehearsed, which is not something I can say about Janice and the rest of her crew. In fact, if the show was to go on for more seasons, I would suggest making a little bit more like Eight and Ocean and a little bit less like Janice gone wild.

What did you think of the episode?

Posted by at 4:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

The tears were flowing like the River Jordan this week on Making the Band 3 as our favorite gerbil, Aundrea, reeled from news that her boyfriend Rudy no likey her anymore. It was a tough time for her, albeit quite predictable. We knew their much celebrated union would inevitably come to an end, especially after last week's series of uneventful and loveless phone calls. But who knew it would hurt so much??? Ah, the pain of young love coming to an end. It's something that no Diddy or Boom-Cat can ever safeguard against. But would the band survive this emotional crisis? Would they pull together to create something harmonious and beautiful??? Take a wild guess...

This week's show brought us back to dreary old NYC, which seemed somewhat bland and boring after a few weeks of splashy, sunny South Beach. Diddy -- in his one fleeting appearance this week -- told us that normally new bands work only with up and coming producers. But lo! This band is working with Diddy, y'hear! And Diddy has lots and lots of friends. And Diddy's gonna introduce his girls to his friends! And then they're all gonna hang out and stuff. And everyone's gonna become besties until Ma$e shows up and things get awkward and people are like "Who invited him?" and then everyone leaves all disgusted. Okay, Diddy didn't take it that far, but this was essentially his brag-tastic way of introducing us to Rodney Jerkin, another super producer who thankfully looked less ridiculous than Scott Storch.

Dawn was totally enamored with Rodney, saying, "He's like the ice in the glass that melts slowly." Funny, I was gonna suggest "The carbon dioxide that sublimates at a leisurely pace."

Anyway, Rodney had the girls all sing the lyrics to their new song (written in convenient 24 point font size). After they'd gone through the song a few times, he then asked them who they thought would be the natural leader for the song, and everyone said Aundrea (with a few minor suggestions for D. Woods). Well, if it was Aundrea they wanted, it was Aundrea they got! She stepped into the booth and began singing the lead vocals, but oh no! She needed more energy! We knew this wasn't too much of a big deal because her struggles weren't accented with the usual End Of The World BOOOOMS that are typically reserved for Aubrey's tone-deaf ass. Nevertheless, Aundrea certainly was having problems, and I couldn't help wondering if maybe -- just maybe -- she was distracted by personal issues with her boyfriend. Hmmmm...

Sad showbiz reality: this might be the last time we see that nose.

Luckily, Aundrea hit the note she was trying to get, prompting everyone to tell us how strong she was and blah blah blah. Back at the apartment and fresh from a successful day of recording, Gerbilina then called up Rudy, but he didn't really have time to talk. He was ridin' in the car with Rob, whoever that was. They were apparently going to a bar, and Rudy noted, "Thankfully I'm not driving though." THANKFULLY INDEED! Wouldn't want anything to happen to precious Rudy!

Just like last week, Aundrea wanted to just have five minutes of Rudy's time, but bitch didn't realize that he had very important obligations to tend to; namely, laughing at inaudible jokes with his friends. He then asked Aundrea, "So you won't be home for like at least like another month or something?" Translation: I can still hook up with other chicks in the meantime, right?

When Aundrea asked why he was asking about when she'd be back, Rudy informed her that he was planning a trip to Vegas. How about New York instead, she asked him. NEGATORY! Don't even try it, sister. Rudy is going to Vegas and that's that!

"You don't have any reason to come out here?" Aundrea then asked. I half expected her to add, "Hint hint, motherfucker!" But alas, Rudy merely replied with a "Nah. Not really. Not right now." Gosh, Aundrea. HE HATES YOU!

Of course, Rudy shunning Aundrea like this was idiotic for many reasons, especially since he was pursuing a career in the music industry. Would it make sense for him to drop by in New York and possibly meet some of these giant super-producers? Apparently not. Well, the next day, Aundrea vented about the situation to Shannon, saying that Rudy was not supportive of her decisions and all that junk. Shannon gave some smiling, general advice, and Aundrea left the conversation thinking that there still might be a future for her and Rudy. Ha. Good luck with that.

The next day, the girls headed over to the rehearsal space where they met up with a cool cat named Rob Lewis. He was gonna help the ladies perform their songs live. Fantabulous. We learned that he's worked with the likes of Christina Aguilera, Babyface, and blah blah blah yawn yawn yawn. Anyway, the girls all stood around a piano and sang that ballad they were working on a week or two ago. Aundrea absolutely loved the song because it was all about stickin' together in a relationship, even through the hard times. Of course, she had the deluded notion that her relationship would stick through the hard times, which it clearly wouldn't be. Case in point: the next day, Aundrea called up Rudy, and with morbid music playing in the background, we listened as she reached the dreaded voicemail of doom. Cut to me raising my arms to the heavens and yelling, "NOOOOOOO!!!!"

Well, since reaching Rudy's voicemail is tantamount to learning about the Holocaust ALL OVER AGAIN, Aundrea was massively upset and went into that day's rehearsal super distracted. She could barely even participate with the vocal warmups. Oh, and let's talk about those vocal warmups. If I have to hear "Oooh aaay eee aaaaay eee iiii oooooh" one more time, I'm gonna do something violent. It was like listening to the R&B version of "Old McDonald."

Anyway, on account of her generally sad state, Aundrea was totally messing up, causing an angry D. Woods to bust out her inner-Wanita and scold, "Nobody is fully committing to the exercise!" Man, if only Denosh were around to whip everyone in shape. Luckily, the girls got their act together, and we could finally move on. Flash forward to the next morning, and we found Aundrea on the phone with Rudy. Yes, somehow she had avoided his voicemail, but that didn't mean things were looking up. Quite the contrary. Douchebag Rudy asked her, "Why didn't you call me last night?" Well, Needy McNeederson, I'm not sure what the timeline of this show is due to all the editing and such, but if there's anything we know, it's that Aundrea has tried to call you many times, and when she's connected, you've blown her off. So don't be bringing that attitude around Diddy's girls!

Nevertheless, Rudy scoffed, "I'm sick of it... of everything... I'm sick of not getting the phone calls from you at night." But she DOES call you! Hey, maybe you're not hearing your phone ringing on account of watching internet porn with your headphones on. Oh SNAP! I just put you on blast, Rudy!

Well, Rudy became extremely high maintenance and needy, saying that because Aundrea didn't call him every thirty minutes that he's now seen her true colors. He then had the balls to say that she wasn't putting in the effort, ultimately concluding, "You're 100% foam." Huh? Foam? Or did he say "phony" and I just didn't hear it right. I swear, it sounded like "Foam." Well, Rudy. She may be foam, but you're... bubble wrap! Take that!

Eventually, Rudy called it quits, officially dumping her on the phone. This made poor Gerbilina cry, and she ran off to her bed to bury her face in the pillows and bawl. Well, have a wonderful morning!

After the commercial break, D. Woods told all the other girls what had gone down. This kick-started a roundtable discussion about what a jerk Rudy was, with Aubrey noting that "he's always been selfish." The girls then agreed that Aundrea was just too good for Rudy, saying that he was very, very stupid. I wouldn't disagree. Aundrea eventually wandered into the room where the girls all consoled her and made her feel better. D. Woods commented, "He just let go of a very good piece of stock. You're on your way up." True, but I get the feeling that Rudy's the sort of guy who'd be happier to say he dumped the girl on her way up rather than join her for the ride. Of course, this all assumes that the girls from Making the Band really are on the way up, and the jury's still out on that.

Later that evening, Rob Lewis dropped by to alert them that they'd be performing at the Village Underground. And just what was the Village Underground? "This is where all the sangers come out. Not the singers. The sangers," D. Woods inferrmed us. Not informed. Inferrmed.

Well, the gang headed out to the club where Rob made the longest introduction EVER, and before we knew it, the girls were up there on the stage, singing their ballad. They looked pretty good with the exception of Aubrey who appeared to be wearing a giant gumdrop for a dress.

Nevertheless, the crowd liked the song, especially one dude who possibly had the largest smile on all the Eastern seaboard. The performance went off without a hitch; although, it was severely lacking too many BOOMCATs for my taste.

"This is only my half-smile."

With applause ringing in her ear, Aundrea told us that if someone wasn't going to be supportive of her career, then she shouldn't be with that person anyway. Right on, girlfriend! "There'll be someone else for me!" she then said with an optimistic squeak. I don't know who Aundrea will wind up with, but I just had the horrific image of her with Aaron Carter, and now I must go somewhere to vomit. Please, pop culture gods, don't let it happen.

What did you think of this week's show?

Posted by at 3:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Mythbusters, 7/26/06, Discovery

When it comes to swimming in your own vomit, I thought MTV surely had the market cornered, but lo and behold, here comes the Discovery Channel with its own addition to the great barf tome of pop culture. Enjoy.

Posted by at 2:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

All season long, we've been presenting strong, albeit circumstantial evidence showing that The Hills doesn't actually take place in the Hollywood Hills. It appears that Lauren & co. seem to have set up residence in the Los Angeles housing complex, Park La Brea, specifically the Villas At Park La Brea. Until now, our biggest flaming gun has been that every time the producers show the alleged "Hillside Villas," they actually show the Villas at Park La Brea instead (kind of a big flaming gun, if you ask me), but now come photos of Jason and Lauren emerging from the Park La Brea Financial Center. Why on earth would they need to go to the Park La Brea Financial Center if they were living high above the Sunset Strip? Again, it's still circumstantial evidence, but we're crying foul! Foul indeed! Pics after the jump.

Thanks to TVgasm reader Kevin for the hookup.

Exhibit A!

Exhibit B!

(Just in case you couldn't read it the small version)

Me wagging my finger with disapproval.

Random aside: is that Kara Saun sneaking out behind them?

Posted by at 12:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

Six Degrees of Separation, HBO, 7/30/06

Before über-producer/writer/director J.J. Abrams struck gold with Alias and Lost and Mission Impossible III, he was just a struggling actor like so many others. And by "struggling actor," I mean someone who yells in an impossibly shrill voice. Imagine my surprise to see him chewing up the scenery in Six Degrees of Separation. I'd hate to think this is what it's like working on Lost.

Posted by at 11:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

• Mel Gibson was arrested over the weekend for a DUI, and allegedly, he unleashed a torrent of anti-Semitic comments such as "The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Thank God he said it. I was really getting sick of having Tom Cruise as our ranking crazy superstar. [AP]


• Lindsay Lohan is back to work after a weekend feud with the president of Morgan Creek, the studio producing her latest movie. The exec, James Robinson, told reporters today that "I've never had a minute's trouble with her. She's every inch a lady." He then added, "Firecrotch." [Reuters]


• Just when you thought Lance Bass's "very stable" relationship with Reichen Lehmkuhl was the gay fairy tale of 2006, reports are now surfacing that Lance has grown weary of his Aryan superman. Allegedly, Reichen forced Lance out of the closet so he could ride the publicity wave to promote his new book. That book's title, "I'm the Guy Dating Lance Bass!" [New York Post]


• Jay Leno and Kevin Smith will be among several celebrities filling in for recovering post-op film critic Roger Ebert on his show Ebert & Roeper at the Movies. The stars will mix it up with Richard Roeper, thus assuring that now no one will get any sort of useful film criticism from the show. [E! Online]


• MTV turns 25 tomorrow, but don't expect any festivities. The network is reticent to show its age. In lieu of a massive pat on its back, MTV instead offers up its latest VMA noms. Yay! [AP: MTV at 25, VMA Noms]


• Finally, there's a bunch of generic reality shows heading our way this fall. Enjoy. [Reality Blurred]

Posted by at 10:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

It's week four of Big Brother All Stars, and I am going to say something I never thought I would say this early in the game. I am sick of Season Six. There, I said it. Hate me if you want to, but that's the truth. I liked them last year because they were smart and tough underdogs. This year, they have let the power get to their heads and have become a little stupid in their day-to-day decisions. However, Janey is once again in power, and if there is anybody out there that can restore our faith in Season Six, she would be the one. Kaysar and James didn't have the balls to take out Chilltown, so it's up to Janey to show us who really wears the pants in that alliance, even if she's also wearing five-inch stilettos and a halter at the same time.

As you know, I really can't stand the stupid interviews that people give after somebody is nominated. There isn't one single person that can complain about Jase leaving the house because EVERYBODY voted him out. Boogie said that Jase had the same fighting spirit that he did, but apparently that wasn't enough for a vote. Kaysar said that it was heart wrenching. Heart wrenching? It might have been easier for Kaysar if had had, I don't know, VOTED FOR JASE to stay. Danielle said that it's times like that when you really hate the game. No, you REALLY hate the game when you are voted out. She even went so far as to defend Jase when people started questioning his integrity, saying that she won't let people drag his name in the mud, but vote him out? That's probably OK.

This is already getting way too old.

And Diane, what does she have to say for herself? First, she said there was no Mr. and Mrs. Smith (and while I have been arguing her point, I'm doing that just to get people worked up), but she also said it was hard to see Jase go. Again, it might have been a little easier if had a sympathy vote or something. Then again, choosing between Will and Jase was like choosing between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Cruz Bustamante a couple of years ago; if both people kind of suck, choose the one with more plastic surgery.

Will continued with his shtick that he was upset about leaving and that Jase didn't deserve to go, and he is right to be drawing attention to that. If you are a jury member and it comes down to James and somebody else, you are probably less likely to vote for the jerk that backdoored somebody to win a half-million.

Meanwhile, James trying to explain the rationale behind backdooring Jase was kind of weak. He said it was Jase's fault for throwing the HoH competition, and not taking the veto competition to the end. In all honesty, what James did to Jase was more of a blindside than a backdoor. Still, just because the semantics were different and the technique a little more complicated doesn't mean it hurts any less. Jase still feels like he was screwed over by somebody that he trusted. And yes, it may hurt now, but Jase should feel lucky. At least his breakup isn't going to require him to learn new words like restraining order, joint custody, or Valtrex.

Now you may think that Jase sucks, and I still think he was the wrong choice to target this week, but you have to admit his plan to call people out seemed to have worked. Marcellas is finally in the game, and he was saying good riddance to bad rubbish, whether that rubbish be Jase's attitude or non-salon hair products that have been taking space in the bathroom. Marcellas can say all that he wants about Jase's attitude, but the reason why he hated Jase so much was that Jase tried to throw Marcellas under the bus, which is a threat to him. By the way, I think I am sick of people saying "Threw me under the bus", so instead I am going to say, "Threw me under Sally Struthers". It's just as painful, but a lot more fun to say, don't you think?

Anyway, it sucked for Jase to have to leave the way he did, and even James acknowledged that. Howie, on the other hand, was much less sympathetic, and didn't want James to question his decision. Last year, I would have said that Howie hates Jase because Jase is more buff than him, but this year's different. Yes, Howie is still upset that Jase is more buff than him, but Howie is actually playing pretty smart this year. Besides, like Howie said, "you can't have your corn and eat it too", which may sound dumb and we all know the saying is talking about cake and not corn, but they liked to make fun of Jase for the way he ate his corn, and, well, OK, Howie's still kind of dumb but we forgive him.

Some people may not like that I just threw Season Six underneath the Sally Struthers, but I still have some love. I think they are all good players, but the only one I really want to win the money is Janey, and so I was more than happy when she won HoH. Diane made a good point that Season six makes fun of the Friendship so much, she is surprised that they don't realize that they are becoming the Friendship 06. While it is getting a little boring how much of a team they are, I could never call Season Six the Friendship 2 (Two, too?). Most of them could survive in the game on their own, and while the sense of entitlement is reaching that D-list celebrity trying to get into a hot bar level, they are much more like the Four Horsemen than anything else.

Before we saw Janelle's HoH room, we were treated to a quick segment that showed Janelle flirting with Dr. Will. Dr. Will had one of the most famous "showmances" in Big Brother history when he was paired up with Shannon, and it worked well for him. Now, I saw Janelle seemingly get cozy with Jase, and while I think Dr. Will is a great player, if Janelle was to seriously fall for him, I would probably Botox my eyes shut for the rest of the year. Luckily, this is Janey, and she is more than aware at the kind of effect she has on guys, and she is really laying it down thick this time. It must be working, because Dr. Will loses all of his cool when he is around Janelle, or so it seems. Is Janelle playing Will? Is Will playing Janelle? I don't know, but I do know if they ever got together, it would REALLY be like Mr. and Mrs. Smith, except Jennifer Aniston would be crying less.

You knew that Janelle's HoH room had to be super girly, and we were not disappointed as she introduced us to her creation. It was wall-to-wall pink, and looked like it the honeymoon suite of some really bad hotel in Niagara Falls. If Janey's got a gun, she should use it on whoever designed that room. There's so much Pink, I'm not sure how anybody could sleep even with the lights off. Marcellas called it an abomination and said it looked like somebody's pepto bismol nightmare; indeed, the only tacky accent that was missing was a couple of pink flamingos on the wall and velvet picture of Elvis.

With that taken care of, it was time to talk strategy. Janelle is very much so on the "take out the floaters" line of thinking. As Kaysar put it, if they take out Chilltown, they are doing the dirty work for the floaters, and when Chilltown is gone, the floaters are going to come after season six. EARTH TO KAYSAR, maybe you should try praying ten times a day. Five times for Allah and another five in hopes that you may get a clue. By getting rid of floaters, you are also doing Chilltown's dirty work. The floaters are not going to go after Chilltown; they are going to go after the strongest alliance in the house, the one that has been nominating people to leave. The only thing Season six is doing by nominating the floaters is giving Will and Boogie more ammunition should they need to sway one of those floaters to nominate season six.

James is really upset about all of this. He wonders why they would want to nominate Diane, one of the weaker players in the house, when Mike and Will are still around. He then went on to say that he can't understand why people would be so stupid, and warned that they were playing with fire keeping Chilltown in the house four weeks in a row. It's really smart of James to bring up that point, but at the same time, how is he complaining when he already has his chance to do the same thing? He had a chance to get rid of half of Chilltown, but instead decided that a person who spends more time with his flat iron than his strategy book would be a better choice.

One of the reasons why James was against voting out Diane was because the two of them are cool, and he even takes the time to tell her that there are some people gunning for her, and she needs to do some damage control. I was actually surprised at how blatant James was with all of this, but Diane took his advice and spoke with Janelle, and it appeared that the two of them came to an understanding, and she brought up a great point. Why spend so much time working on the floaters, when there are still people in the house (Will and Boogie) who have been so outspoken about their target (Season Six).

Like I said in my last recap, I think that Will is really a lot of fun to watch. I still hate most of his tactics, but whatever his mission is, he seems to get the job done. This time, the mission was to convince Janelle to nominate floaters, and he did this by taking a bath and doing a puppet show with...rubber duckies. It was a story about a pretty pink duck, Fanelle, who was queen of the pond, and from there continued with a bunch of metaphors for people and relationships in the house, including calling himself Dr. McDreamy. I am sure Patrick Dempsey and Ellen Pompeio are NOT amused. The gist? Get rid of the floaters. It should have been really easy, and for most of us, getting rid of floaters is as easy as one flush (or two if you had the all you can eat fajitas at Chili's), but in the game of Big Brother it's not so easy. Sometimes, for lack of a better word, you have to get your hands dirty, and this looked like one of those times.

Will begins his story

Kaysar is playing along

Kaysar thinks it's funny!

OK, the King is bored

The King thinks this is getting old quickly

The King calms down after thinking how much fun it is to shave his chest hair

Many people were wondering if Chicken George would be forced to eat slop for 60 days, and it looks like the producers are following through with it. As evidenced by his "Mr. Fart" shirt on Thursday, it's obvious that George is having some problems with the slop, but those problems go farther than possible skidmarks in the Chicken George tighty-wighties. Kaysar said that eating the slop was "eating [George] up inside", which would have been really funny except that Kaysar was so serious delivering the line, you wondered if the joke went over his own head.

This all was a prelude to the food competition. There was a crazy setup outside like something out of American Gladiators, which would have been cool because we could give everybody nicknames like Blaze, Storm, and Steroid Side-Effects. Sadly, the actual competition was not that crazy, although they did get to put on some Gladiator style gear. Unlike last week where people were playing for what they would eat by the day, this was once again a head to head competition. The houseguests all got together in a ring, and bunch of balls would fly out of the air. One ball would have a silver star. The person who caught the star would get food for the week, but would also get to pick one person to eat slop. It would repeat until there was nobody left in the ring.

Although this competition wasn't explicitly geared towards the guys, it favored the tall and the muscular a lot more than the short and petite. Danielle might be able to bump people out of the way, but Erik and Diane aren't pushing anybody out of the way. That being said, the first ball was caught by none other than Mike Boogie, the shortest guy of the group. Hmm, maybe all of that lifting was actually doing him some good? Mike chose Marcellas for the slop as a payback for Marcellas knocking him out of the HoH competition.

The next catch went to Howie, who eliminated Dr. Will, even though he and Dr. Will had talked about not targeting each other. Dr. Will tried to play it cool, but you know that he had to be at least a little pissed Howie betrayed him, even if the whole test was to see if Howie could be trusted. Kaysar caught the next one and picked Chicken George, who obviously was already on slop. Here is where I usually lecture people on taking risks, but Janey was there to do that for me, saying that Kaysar has been taking the easy route out lately. James caught the next one and picked Diane for slop, which was strange, because why not pick Erika? Finally, Danielle went against tradition and actually won a food competition for once, choosing the only person left standing, Erika, for the slop.

Following the food competition, it was all just a matter of trying to figure out who Janelle was going to nominate. Will and Boogie were telling Janelle that she needs to take out floaters because that would mean she is really in control. I know, I know, you're saying "see J-Unit, Mike and Dr. Will are campaigning against the floaters, so the floaters will come after them!!!" Umm, no. The only thing that matters to the floaters is who has nominated who. Other than Marcellas, I don't think any of the floaters would nominate two people from Chilltown. Despite what Diane said to Janelle, she still resents season six. Danielle might have loyalty to James, but I think she knows that her chances are better if she is not the fifth wheel. Chicken George is going to be looking for payback. Erika might nominate Chilltown, but Will can probably talk his way out of that. The only person that might go along with nominating Chilltown is Marcellas, but even then you start to become unsure.

The most frustrating thing about watching all of this unfold is that Will once again offered to pawn himself on the block. Trust him and you have an ally. Don't trust him and you can just send him home. I mean seriously, what more can you ask for? This whole time Kaysar and Janelle are saying that they aren't afraid of Chilltown's game, and Janelle does make a point when she says the floaters are like their own alliance. However, the only reason why the floaters would have any sort of common goal is because they have been targeted by season six! Danielle, Chicken George, and Diane each have been targets, and in this house the first order of business when you get in power is to take out the people who have targeted you.

James did a good job of turning this logic on its side. If you want to nominate the most dangerous floaters, you would nominate Danielle and Marcellas, and of course they are the two people who have showed the most loyalty to them. It's amazing how well James understands this game when he is not in power. Where was all of this clarity last week? James realizes that while they may have a deal with Chilltown, if and when the time comes and season six doesn't win an HoH, Chilltown is going to use all of their influence to make sure the floaters nominate two of them. Obviously you know that I am going to say the best move is to take out Chilltown. You can see these floaters as their own alliance, but the fact of the matter is that season six is going to have the biggest target on their backs because they are the only people who have eliminated anybody. Janelle and company should work on getting these floaters into their alliance instead of alienating them.

While all of this was going on, Will and Boogie decided it would be perfect for an impromptu game of chess outside the HoH room, just in case Janelle felt that she had to pull a Kaysar and make a deal with them before the nominations got started. Janelle did have a little bit more willpower, but as soon as there was some free time, Will pounced and started to work on her. Janelle might have been acting like she was playing Will earlier in this game, but at this point it was really hard to see who was playing who. I don't think Janelle would fall for Dr. Will, but he is good with the plastic surgery, and a smooch here and a cuddle there might be worth a little lipo, a tummy tuck, some botox, or even new implants when the season is over. I can't fault a girl for trying to save a little money. If I was in the house, God knows I would be working everybody. Free Pilates from Erika, free drinks from Boogie, free hair grease from Kaysar, free stupidity from Howie, free shopping advice from Marcellas, the list goes on.

The great thing about Will right now is that he is does a great job of finding out why people want to get rid of him or keep him in the game, and isn't afraid to admit that he is a threat. Janelle is talking about how it's not fun to be HoH, and Will agrees with her. She wants to get rid of floaters, but doesn't want to piss people off. Will says that Kaysar threw them under the bus - Sally Struthers - two weeks ago by not putting Will and Boogie up, but now he his going to have a solution. Janelle can put up Will, and use him as a pawn. Either they get the votes to remove the floater, or Dr. Will goes home. He won't have any hard feelings.

Janey is a little reluctant to put up Will, and Will says that's because she likes him, but I am going to stick to my guns and say that Janelle realizes that if you risk anybody from the Chilltown alliance, it is Boogie, especially when she's starting to wrap will around her finger. Will even said that she was blushing, but Janelle had to remind him that the room was pink, and it was probably the reflection of his porcelain skin that was giving everything the glow.

Will goes farther by talking about how the Season Six alliance is not that strong. If Janelle wants protection, she should work with Mike and Will. He then mentions how season six got into this house, and instead of staying strong, they each went out and found their own parachutes should something go wrong. Kaysar found Erika, James found Danielle (and now Diane), Janey found Marcellas, and Howie he found, uh, Chicken George? She can find out a lot about the people she can trust if she nominated one of these safety nets and watches how they react. However, Mike and Will can offer her protection (much better than Pedro ever could), and can give her a reassurance that James and Kaysar won't.

I had a lot of faith in Janey, but you know it's really hard. You trust somebody for a long time and they can surprise you. You like the Boston Celtics, and then they draft Acie Earl and Eric Montross in back to back drafts (at least they aren't the Knicks though). You like Jodie Foster, and then she makes Flight Plan. You like your neighborhood bar, and then they don't have Stella on tap. You like Tyra Banks, and then SHE RETIRES FROM VICTORIA'S SECRET. You have a favorite blogger, and then they get too bitter and become unfunny. Not like that would ever happen at TVgasm, but you get my point.

As the names were being read, I was really wondering how Janelle was going to pull this off. Would she nominate somebody from Chilltown? Would she use them as a pawn to get rid of a floater like James the week before? Would she double-cross Chilltown and make the floater the real pawn? Well, as the names were read, the people we expected to be safe were safe, but then Diane and George pulled out their keys, leaving Mike and Erika as the nominees! I have to admit; I never saw that one coming. Boogie, OK, that makes sense, but Erika? Janelle said she was just the pawn, but really, whom do you believe?

While a lot of things can change, Janelle said that she wants to dwindle that alliance of five, meaning the floaters, which is a good idea, but Erika made a good point. Up until then, there was no reason for her to go after season six. Now? Well, the gloves were coming off, and it opened a door for her to retaliate should it ever be the case. You could tell that Boogie was nervous, but Will had plenty of confidence, saying that Janelle met him half way, meaning he believes she is ready to work with Chilltown.

I have to say, I am a little disappointed with how Janelle is handling this. You would think that Season Six would realize that they are creating the targets on their backs by nominating the floaters, but they are all too scared of the numbers game should one of the floaters get into power. Well, there is no way to control the numbers game because with four people in your alliance, it's impossible to protect your entire alliance should somebody else get into power. I hope that Janelle turns this around and has a plan to remove Chilltown, but her alliance is really just playing scared.

What did you think of this episode? Did Janey make the right nominations? Are the floaters or Chilltown the bigger threat to season six? Is Dr. Will playing Janey, or is Janey playing Dr. Will during their flirting? Who do you want to see leave the house?

Now remember, if you want to talk about spoilers, USE THE FORUMS. Otherwise, make sure to leave a comment below.

Posted by at 7:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (34)

What sort of man dates a man-eater like Janelle? A very dumb man. Case in point: the latest episode of Real World, which showcased just what happens when two headstrong assholes with not a whole lot of brainpower butt heads in steamy Key West. We've seen a lot of dumb drama this season -- Paula, Tyler, and Svetlana have surely raised the bar on drunken fights and hissy fits -- but I'm not sure we've seen true dumb drama like we did this week. Janelle's ex-boyfriend Kasib turned out to be every bit as much of a blockhead as she can be, and together, they were like a wonderful, dysfunctional reality freak show. But who would prove to be the ultimate dolt? Janelle or Kasib? The answer after the jump...

This week's show began with Janelle on the phone with Kasib, who I had to quickly assume was some sort of boyfriend or ex-boyfriend or whatever (my Tivo cut off the first minute of the show). I knew this was going to lead to bad news because a) Janelle had more of a sourpuss face on than usual, and b) ex-boyfriends and Real World cast members rarely lead to fun times (cough, Paula and Keith, cough).

Well, even though they were exes and even though there had been tons of drama between them recently, Kasib apparently wanted to come visit Janelle down in Key West. Why? Don't know. I'll just chalk it up to a general desire to be on TV. Anyway, the two fought on the phone over -- well, I'm not sure. I was pretty confused. Again, I'll blame the Tivo. Ultimately, Kasib said, "You're acting like a jackass for no reason." I really didn't know much about the guy, but the fact that he called Janelle a jackass was pretty cool. First impressions: I liked him.

Nevertheless, Kasib may have wanted to visit, but Janelle wasn't so hot on the idea, mostly because all they do is, you know, fight. She told Kasib (a name which she alternately pronounces Kasib and Kaaah-sib) that she wasn't so sure if he should come on account of all the drama. She was just so sick of the fighting. Wouldn't want that turbulent relationship stinking up the always peaceful household. Speaking of which, how come we haven't seen Paula flip her lid over something random, like running out of paper towels. "There's no more Bounty? We have to use Brawny? Great. That's just great. KISS MY ASS, BRAWNY! KISS MY GODDAMN ASS!!!"

Luckily, since Janelle was getting her very own storyline this week, that meant one thing: Jose was gonna get a storyline too! (It's very efficient when MTV rolls all the wallflower stories into one episode.) Anyway, our little guy had met a girl named Jessica (a.k.a. "Jose's crush," according to MTV), and he was totally head over heels for her. I don't know what it was about her that drove him so wild -- maybe it was her weird Alias wig/Catherine Zeta Jones in Chicago hairstyle or maybe it was the way that she absolutely towered over him like the Statue of Liberty. Whatever the case, Jose was digging her, and to make things even better, his buddy Zachary (a local friend, not our Jewfro'd roommate, Zach) had nothing but wonderful things to say about her.

Everything seemed perfect. But wait! There was a problem. No, it wasn't that Jose had to say more than three words. The problem was that Jose had an ex-girlfriend named Irene who he still lived with. And even worse, this is what Irene looked like:

Okay, okay. I kid. We all know that THIS is what Jose's Irene looked like:

I kid again! I'm on fire! Wait... wait... I got one more. Here's the REAL Irene:

It's Irene Ryan, a.k.a. Granny from The Beverly Hillbillies. Ha! I kill me!

Anyhoo, Jose wasn't about to let his old flame Irene stop him. He was gonna go after Jessica, and just in case we had any doubts, master of obvious observations Zach told us, "I know he's falling for Jessica. I KNOW he is!" He then added, "I can detect the lust in my Jew Fro!"

The next day, Janelle called up Kasib and apologized for her rude behavior the night before. This was a shocker because as far as we could tell, she'd never apologized to anyone for anything ever before. Was Kasib the one man that could tame Janelle's wild steed? Possibly. Possibly not. With all wounds mended, Kasib then revealed that he still wanted to visit her (and be on TV) and furthermore, he was arriving the next morning for a three day stay. Yay! This won't lead to insanity at all!

Well, Kasib arrived at the Key West airport the next day, and as he stepped out of the building, Janelle asked, "What's up? You only have two bags?" Seriously! Two bags for three whole days??? How was he going to last? He should know that every day warrants a new bag. Simpleton.

Kasib with his spartan packing methods.

At the house, Svetlana and Paula introduced themselves to Kasib. Paula went so far as to note, "He looks just like in the pictures!" Yeah, that's kind of how pictures work. Sort of magical, I know.

John then told us that Janelle was hoping to rekindle some sort of flame and that the outlook seemed pretty interesting. And I'm sure it'll get much more interesting once Kasib discovers that John tore off Janelle's bra in the ocean. But hey, since when has a little sexual predation soured the mood?

Well, once Kasib had met everyone in the house, he turned to Janelle and said, "I'm ready to go to sleep." Keep in mind that it could not have been later than 11:45 AM. Yes, Kasib was horny and ready to ride the Janelle train.

Anyway, the two got it on up in the bedroom, and later that evening, Kasib, Zach, and Janelle talked about going out. Of course, their big plans were somewhat limited, as usual, because the roommates had a strict 1:30 AM curfew. Kasib lightheartedly asked if the curfew applied to him too, and while it seemed like a harmless little joke, clearly he had forgotten that no one is allowed to have a sense of humor around Miss Janelle (he as joking, right?)

"It's a little disrespectful that he'd make a comment like that, especially in front of my roommate," Janelle told us. She seemed to be a bit oversensitive, but then again, this is a woman who would accuse a housefly of being disrespectful to her on account of it flying away when she'd try to swat it. And by the way, I like how she took offense to Kasib's comment especially since it was said in front of Zach. Apparently she suddenly cares about what her roommates think. Either way, she was pissed, and I was surprised Tyler didn't zoom to her aid with a pen and paper and say, "Start the burn book. Start it."

"Mekhi Phifer in 8 Mile is my idol."

After the commercial break, we found all the roomies out at a bar partying with their new guest. Jose at one point introduced Kasib to Jessica, and I briefly feared that this chance meeting would turn into bad news. Would Kasib make the moves on Jessica? Would she be receptive? Would Jose have to actually do something? Turns out all my questions were unfounded. Nothing ever came of anything with Kasib and Jessica. Blast.

Meanwhile, guess who was being standoffish at the club? That's right. Janelle had her total bitch-face on, and since no human would ever want to deal with her in that state (which is how she is seemingly 23 hours of the day), Kasib steered clear of her, opting to do his own thang at the club instead. Up until this point, it seemed like Kasib was pretty much the normal one -- a hapless victim of Janelle's raging diva impulses. But then the tide began to turn. We suddenly saw Kasib talking to a bunch of cute, young girls and what did playah do? He invited them over to the house. POOR FORM. It's bad enough to do that when you're already just a guest. It's even worse when you're your ex-girlfriend's guest. Yes, it was becoming abundantly clear that Kasib was actually quite the idiot.

Well, Janelle pulled aside her man and barked, "Kasib!" With a sly smile, he replied, "What did I do?"

"Don't talk to me like that!" she snapped back. To be fair, he hadn't really talked to her in any sort of disrespectful tone, but Janelle was in such a tizzy that he could have been singing a lullaby and she'd still be wagging that finger in his face. Well, she was being ridiculous, and Kasib surely didn't help the situation when he then cursed her off. Again, I always love the Janelle curse-off, but wasn't it a bit obnoxious for him to act like he was completely innocent in this situation? That's when I realized that it wasn't a matter of who's in the wrong. I just had to realize that they were both in the wrong -- he for inviting those girls, she for flipping out over his alleged tone of voice. Little did I know that this was the tip of a very enjoyable iceberg.

Anyway, Janelle was absolutely livid, and she told us, "I'm thinking to myself, how immature can you be?" This comes from the woman who routinely gangs up on Svetlana with Tyler, but I digress. We then saw Janelle sitting outside on the sidewalk, crying in her hands. Kind of an odd sight, especially considering that for better or worse, she's barely shed a tear all season.

Well, Kasib wasn't about to be swayed by those tears. "You had a bad attitude from the start," he said, and I wouldn't disagree. Janelle then countered y saying that it's messed up that Kasib would rather be going out rather than hanging out with her. And I wouldn't disagree with her either. Eventually, Kasib did what any caring, nurturing boyfriend would do. He stepped away and said, "I don't want to hear what you got to say no more." Charming!

The two then returned to the house where they continued to fight -- this time about... wait... I'm still trying to follow... um... Ah! The girls! Janelle was pissed that he had invited those girls to the house.

"Did I invite 'em?" Kasib asked. Uh... yeah. You pretty much did. It was on camera, you dumbass.

Well, the two started to really get into it, and finally, Kasib announced that he was leaving. That's right! He was going to pack up his blurred-out Louis Vuitton bag (a very manly piece of luggage, I might add) and stay at a hotel.

"You can sleep in our guest bedroom," John offered as Kasib marched down the staircase. Poor Johnny Bananas. He just wanted to have a cool black friend to hang out with.

Nevertheless, as Kasib left the house, we saw Tyler sitting at the computer, and he was SHOCKED! As in, jaw-dropped, eyes open shocked. "This is the most expensive booty call I've ever seen!" Tyler told us, adding, "And I shall interpret it into a painting I shall call VELVET EMBRACE!"

VELVET EMBRACE!

"There's a drama going on? And I didn't get to stick my nose in it???"

Meanwhile, over in potential date rape territory, Jose was on the phone with Catherine Zeta Jessica, trying to get her to come by the house. "Just come for a little bit," he coaxed. After much persuading, FriendZach alerted Jose that he would indeed be bringing Jessica by in about five minutes. Fantastic! Soon, Jessica would be all his... to not make a move on.

Elsewhere on the estate, John and Zach and their random friend Justin (where do they find all these people?) were chillin' in the hot tub, laughing at the whole Janelle situation. Like us, they couldn't believe that Kasib would fly across the country, have sex with Janelle, and then go off to some hotel. In the middle of all this, FriendZach showed up and said that Jose owed him one. Apparently, arranging this rendez-vous with Jessica was no easy task. But would it be worth it? Probably not. We then cut over to the much used Dock of Romance where Jose and Jessica sat by the water and talked about things. Would they kiss? Maybe. But then again, this was Jose. I'm thinking negatory on the smooching.

Well, just when this night was seemingly reaching its natural conclusion, the phone suddenly rang. It was Kasib. Before we could find out what he wanted, Tyler commented to us, "Janelle told me that every time she's broken up with a boy, it's because of her being too selfish. But wouldn't you want to do something about it? Not in Janelle's world." Or Tyler's world for that matter, but that's a whole other issue.

Anyway, Kasib was calling at this late hour to say that all the hotels are either closed or sold out. Oops! He then demanded, "You need to come pick me up." That's right -- no apologies, no recognition of what sort of hassle this would be, just pure demands.

"Um, Kasib," Janelle started.

"I don't want to hear it. Can you just come pick me up?" he asked. I loved how he acted as if somehow she were the one who had forced him to go downtown at 2 AM to seek out a hotel room. Well, he was about to learn why his little jaunt was not such a smart idea: that whole curfew thing. Yes, Janelle couldn't go pick Kasib up even if she wanted to (and believe me, she didn't want to -- and for once, I backed her up).

"What am I supposed to do?" he asked, again acting like the victim of his stupidity. Well, Janelle suggested he go to the airport and try to get a flight home. Damn! Janelle takes no prisoners! I had to admit, I kind of loved the way she was handling this.

Anyway, Kasib did not like this latest suggestion. "Don't-- get out of my business! Don't worry about me!" he snapped. If you don't want her to worry about you and your business, then why are you calling up, complaining about your situation? Yay dumb people! Kasib, you are pure reality gold. Please visit more!

Well, Janelle finally said what was on all of our minds: "Kasib, you put yourself in that situation. Not me." Cut to me intensely repressing a "You go girl!" Must... not... take... Janelle's... side...

Just when things couldn't get any more ridiculous, Kasib announced that he was hopping in a cab and coming back to the house, dammit! So much for needing that ride. One problem: Janelle wasn't going to let him back in. Production was gonna stop him.

"They'll have to call the police!" Kasib replied, as if calling the police was the most heinous task the security guards had ever faced. News flash for Kasib: they're security guards. Calling the police is WHAT THEY DO.

Kasib then proudly announced, "Tell the police to be ready because I'm on my way over there right now!" Exactly what sort of moronic gauntlet was that to throw down? Kasib, you are not going to intimidate the police with your determination to return to the house. I don't know about anyone else, but I was cracking up at this whole ridiculous mess.

Meanwhile, out on the dock, Jose was still yapping Jessica's ear off about relationships and stuff. They both said how they were the bosses in previous relationships, but they've since learned the value of compromise. Ah! The ironic parallels to Janelle and Kasib were striking!

Well, true to his word, Kasib showed up at the house, and guess what? The security guard -- who looked like some random dude off the street -- wouldn't let him in. Never one to be outsmarted, Kasib then called Janelle and asked, "Are you getting a kick out of this?" Don't know about her, but we sure as hell were!

Nevertheless, I had to hand it to Janelle. She stood strong. She said she didn't want him in the house because she didn't want to be disrespected. To that Kasib said he wasn't going to even talk to her; so there'd be no chance for him to disrespect her. WELL! Janelle didn't like that. She pulled the whole "So you're not going to even say one thing to me?" routine, which once again reminded me that even though she was steadfast, she still was pretty ridiculous in her own right.

Janelle then volunteered to call Kasib a cab to the airport, causing him to bark, "You want to hear some disrespect? You are a (bleeeep)." Don't know what the bad word was, but I'll assume it started with a "C" and ended with a "T". And no, I'm not talking about "cat." Needless to say, it was a real C U Next Tuesday moment.

Well, Janelle hung up, and of course, seconds later, Kasib was calling back up. Zach mercifully unplugged the phone, and eventually, Kasib realized that his days at the Real World manse were done. He hopped in another cab, headed to the airport, slept on a bench, and then bon voyage! Enjoy the flight back to San Jose!

Meanwhile, just when Jose's dock talk with Jessica was starting to kind of heat up (not really), there was a ring at the front door. It was FriendZach back again. He was supposed to go home, forcing Jessica to spend the night (crafty Jose!) but apparently he had left his house keys with her.

"You want to hear something even more funny?" FriendZach asked. "I'm cockblocking you right now, Jose!" Okay, he didn't say that. But he did note that he was in the same cab as Kasib or something like that. Yes, hilarious.

Jose then told us, "Flight from San Jose to Key West: $750. Buy a new wardrobe 'cause you're gonna see Janelle: $250. Getting kicked out in less than fifteen hours: priceless." There are some things money can buy. For everything else, there's Janelle.

Well, now that Zach was back, Jose's sleepover with Jessica was officially ruined. Also ruining it: the fact that she really didn't seem to be that into him. Too bad. Of all the people in the house, Jose seems the most well-adjusted. Gosh darnit, he's like the nicest guy to ever stumble out of a Real World house. Don't break his heart, Jessica!

At this point, I kind of thought the episode would be over, but alas, there was more stuff to tend to. The next day, Jose got on the phone with Irene and reaffirmed with her that they were in fact broken up and just friends. He then told her that he kissed another girl, causing a very minor tiff that ended rather maturely. Oh that Jose and his dramatic life! I did notice, by the way, that his voice and inflections totally changed when he was talking to Irene. Yeah, that's all I was gonna say about that. Sorry, Jose just doesn't inspire too many profound observations aside from "He's so nice."

Meanwhile, Janelle kvetched to Tyler about Kasib and how he had invited over those girls, which Tyler immediately labeled "Baby whores," despite never having seen them. Sadly, none of those "baby whores" marched up to him and yelled, "I have a lot of great things going on in my life right now!" and then left a note that said, "You should have stayed at Tufts, you low-life BITCH!"

Ultimately, Tyler told Janelle, "I'm glad I don't have to date you. I would last maybe ten minutes." And those ten minutes would be horrific. What did you think about this episode? Did you think better or worse of Janelle? And what did you think about Kasib and their relationship?

Posted by at 6:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (33)

Results show time! We dive right into an amazing So You Think You Can Dance group number - "Cell Block Tango" from Chicago. I love this song anyway, and Tyce DiOrio did an incredible job with the choreography on this routine. It's a cliche, but the best word for this dance is "fierce." I'm sorry I compared you to a skin disease before, Tyce. You've won me over now. My only complaint is that the dance doesn't go on long enough - it only showcases ONE of the murders from the original song, and Natalie is given the spotlight for that part. Conspiracy!

Cat's dress manages to be tacky and awful without being funny. It's just a black dress with some unfortunate cutouts. I'm not sure what would be wrong with her wearing a black dress WITHOUT unfortunate cutouts, but I can guarantee you that she never even considered that. In fact, maybe this started out as a normal dress, and then she took the scissors to it herself, because God forbid she should ever wear an outfit that's lacking some little touch of whimsy.

I'm punk rock, bitches.

I really can't bash Cat's dress too hard tonight, though, because Mary is wearing the single ugliest outfit I have ever seen on this show. It's a leopard-print bustier, under a black jacket, and then it has bizarro bright-orange long sleeves poking out of the blazer - are those sleeves attached to the bustier, or to the jacket, or are they just their very own garment? Are they on one of those strings inside her jacket, like you give to little kids to clip their mittens onto so they don't lose them? Then, as if all of that weren't enough, there is fringe on her orange sleeves, and don't even get me started on the necklace. Oh, Mary. I think we need to have a little session.

My only guess is that this was sewn by Mary's drunken, blind aunt in her group home.

In the process of introducing the jidges, Cat also tells us that there were "almost ten million" votes after the performance show. Hm - "almost" could mean a lot of things. But I guess I have no reason to believe she's lying. Honestly, I can't get all superior about not voting, because I don't watch this show live and so I never have a chance. I can't exactly promise that I wouldn't be just the teensiest bit tempted.

Cat asks Nigel whether he's surprised by the composition of the top eight. He says no, because the whole thing now is about popularity, essentially. Then he says that it doesn't really matter, because the show is succeeding in its mission to "bring dance into America." I think it's funny that Nigel views himself as some sort of cultural ambassador. Most of the types of dance on this show are already prominent in American mainstream pop culture, via either music videos, Dancing with the Stars, or musical theater (which most high-school students are exposed to in varying degrees). I mean, why does Nigel think it's called "Broadway," anyway? He seems to think that America is this wilderness land where people have never heard of the whole concept of "dance," despite the fact that quite a few of these dance styles were more or less invented in America.

I actually thought it was much more surprising when Dancing with the Stars premiered and it turned out that people were willing to watch an entire show about just ballroom, which is a style that may very well have most of its adherents outside the U.S. After the success of that show, though, I'm not surprised by the success of this one. Nigel goes on to brag that So You Think You Can Dance was the "most Tivo'd show" of the past week. How does one find that out? That's kind of a cool fact. Nigel says that he is equally pleased by the success of Dancing with the Stars, despite the fact that it's not a Fox show. Well, that's very generous of you, Nigel. He also says "Americker" a couple of times.

Worship me, Americker. I have come down from on high to bring you culture.

Mary interviews that the most improved dancer in the competition is Ivan. That's probably true, but he's still not as good as the others. Mary rehashes the fact that she didn't want Ivan in the top twenty. I think by now we are all as familiar with that fact as we are with our own phone numbers. Dan interviews that one of the difficult things about this show is the fact that the dancers have to take on so many different styles of dance, when most dancers in real life specialize. Cat recaps last night's show. Then she shows us the four "girls" lined up on the stage, and she tells us that Busta Rhymes is going to be performing. Yay! Now, I already explained that the gaps in my musical knowledge are caused by the fact that I get most of my pop-culture information from celebrity-gossip publications rather than from the actual radio, but there's another salient fact that I should have mentioned: I'm old. And Busta Rhymes is even older than I am, and that makes me happy.

After the break, Cat gives us a sob story about how, tragically, two more people will be going home. Natalie is wearing a big old knee brace. I remember that a commenter pointed out Natalie's injury last week, but this is the first time I've noticed it myself. Cat says that the bottom two boys and girls will dance solos, but she makes sure we know that it's too late for them to change the results. This seems even meaner than usual. I know they danced solos last week when it was likewise too late, but they were just repeats of their solos from the performance show, which DID influence the voting. Tonight, they have to do new solos that will be entirely wasted. I think this week's performance show should have been an hour and a half, so they could have fit the solos in. I'm not sure why no one affiliated with this show seems to have ever thought of the concept of a time period that is MORE than one hour, but LESS than two hours.

I could make a really rude joke about Natalie wearing kneepads and the fact that all the boys inexplicably love her so much, but I am way too classy to do that.

Donyelle and Natalie are called up first. I bet Natalie is already sweating it, based on the theory that out of each pair, one will be safe and one won't. Cat recaps their jidges' comments, which remind me that Natalie got much better reviews than Donyelle did last night. Of course, it doesn't make any difference, because Natalie is in the bottom two and Donyelle is safe. Donyelle does some gratuitous happy-dance leaping, which convinces me that her own injury is completely better. We move on to Allison and Heidi. I stand by my position that if Heidi goes home immediately after dancing that mambo last night, I will be outraged and this show can bite me. Luckily, my rage problem will be kept in check for the moment, because Heidi is safe and Allison joins Natalie in the bottom two.

By the way, there is a long and very persuasive comment on yesterday's post setting me straight that Donyelle is not as strong a dancer as Natalie or Allison. I just want to say that I wholeheartedly agree with you. What I should have said is NOT that she's been a great dancer overall, but that she's been a great performer overall (and, I think, better than the other girls in that area only). She's really good at connecting with the audience and it makes her fun to watch. Because of her choreography, she didn't get to make that connection this week. However, I also admit that the more I watch this show, the more I realize that Donyelle benefited enormously from being partnered with Benji for so long. (Now I'm putting on my raincoat because I expect people to start hurling rotten tomatoes at me.)

This picture doesn't have anything to do with anything. I just thought this caption advertising my local news was awesome.

After the commercial, it's time for Cat to torment the boys. First up are Benji and Ryan. I think it's pretty obvious which of these two is safe. Cat mocks Ryan a little for his mooning over Natalie. By the way, Natalie has been nowhere near as gushy and fondling with Ryan as she was with her previous partners. She also didn't defend him during the performance show, when he got all the mean judges' comments and she didn't. Ryan seems to be the place where she draws the line with her partner-whoring, and that must make him sad. Aw, poor Ryan. As expected, Benji is safe and Ryan is in the bottom two.

Last up are Ivan and Travis. I really couldn't say which of these two was better last night. They were both pretty average. Travis took a beating on his quickstep, so Ivan definitely had the edge with the judges, but I personally enjoyed that quickstep much more than I enjoyed Argentine Tango 2: Electric Boogaloo. Ivan makes it through, and Travis joins Ryan in the bottom two. God, how is Ivan still on this show? Put him out of his misery already, America. He really is the new Kevin Covais. It seems crazy unfair that Allison landed in the bottom two and Ivan didn't. He obviously has a following located in the distant lands beyond my comprehension.

Travis looks really upset. This makes me so sad. Ryan looks like he wants to puke. Natalie and Allison are both giggling out of control. I'd say all four of them are extremely nervous; they do NOT want to go home.

Get the barf buckets ready.

Natalie does the first solo. It's her standard fare, with the running and the leaping and the rolling around. She goes a little nuts in the middle, and it seems like she's having an epileptic fit, but she recovers. Again, I am bothered by the whole idea of introducing this new solo dance from her at a point when it doesn't matter at all. Nigel says that if Natalie is sent home, then Americker has got it wrong. Mary says Natalie is beautiful, and she shouts out Natalie's bad knee. Dan cites Natalie's love of being onstage.

Ryan dances to a Chris Brown song. It's much slower than his usual routine, and I think not as good. Nigel talks about Ryan's brilliant technique for the seven thousandth time. Then he tells Ryan that he needs to have more confidence in himself as a person, not just a dancer, because he's a "lovely lad" with a lot going for him. I bet you a million dollars that's the first time in Ryan's life that someone has called him a "lovely lad." Ryan smiles a beautiful smile when he finally figures out that Nigel is trying to compliment him. Mary says that Ryan has a gentle soul, but dances like a lion. Dan says that Ryan seemed like a marginal contestant at first, but has come into his own recently.

Now we have Allison, who tries to rock a little harder than she usually does. She ends up putting on quite a physical display, with some kicks that would have a mugger flat on his back. Cat points out that Allison is only eighteen. Nigel says that he's running out of superlatives to describe Allison. He's appalled that either Natalie or Allison will be going home, but he says he would have been equally horrified if it had been Heidi or Donyelle, because all four of them are amazing, and Dance is the real winner here. Mary lets out a "Woo!" Dan says that Allison is the most versatile dancer on the show. There are some hints dropped about Allison's great future; Natalie didn't get much of that, so I think Nigel's inside information may be showing again.

Hi-YAH!!!

Travis does a solo that is one of my favorites by him ever. It has all of his usual spins and leaps, but it's a fast routine with some genuinely funky beats thrown in. Nigel says that Travis always makes him smile. Nigel makes a lame pun that it's a "travesty" that "Travis" is in the bottom two. Mary echoes this. They aren't saying so, but they obviously must think that Ivan belongs there instead; we all know they wouldn't want Benji in the Danger Zone. Dan says that Travis has a great personality. (Don't worry, he also mentions his dancing - it isn't one of those "you have a great personality" consolation-prize remarks.)

Commercial, and then Busta Rhymes. Cat pretends to be down, by exhorting the crowd to "Make some noise for Busta Rhymes!" This woman has a dangerous flava deficiency; I think she needs a transfusion. Unfortunately, after my initial burst of delight at having heard of the musical guest, I end up being pretty bored by Busta Rhymes' performance. It's just him and this other guy yelling, with a backing track doing way too much of the work. Also, he takes the bogus-Yankee-hat trend to a whole new level with this hideous hat that has a tiny Yankees logo superimposed on the MLB baseball-player logo, which is in turn superimposed on top of a pinstriped hat.

Question: would an actual baseball player ever wear this? Then it's NOT A BASEBALL CAP. Boo.

Cat gives Busta Rhymes a big hug and a kiss and a "Hello, baby." She's fanning herself. Then Nigel interviews that the tour is officially on, and will be starting on September 12 in Seattle. Tickets go on sale on August 12. Oh, man, I have to start rounding up my posse for this event. But oh, no - then Nigel says that the show will involve the audience dancing, too. I'm so not into that. I'm much happier with my current gig of critiquing people on how well they do something that I could never do myself if I did nothing but take dance lessons for the next thousand years straight.

Cat lines up all the dancers again. She summons Natalie and Allison. They are hugging all over each other like they can't stand up. Allison is going home. Just like last week, Allison smiles really big as Natalie sobs. Shut up, Natalie. They practically kiss on the lips. Natalie appears to suffer major separation anxiety anytime anyone goes home. Hey, Natalie? You're going on tour with all of them at the end of the summer. It's not like they're being sent off to the frontlines in Afghanistan. Priorities, please.

What on earth will happen when she, herself, is eliminated?


As promised in the title of this post....

I'd say that Allison going home is the wrong result. I've never been too personally attached to her, but she is probably the best technical dancer (female) other than Heidi, and her personality is better than Heidi's. I always thought it was fair that Allison was tagged as a front-runner. Natalie, on the other hand, is adorable, but about 50 percent of her appeal comes from the Maxim-girl cheesecake factor. And finally, I just can't believe that Ivan was not even in the bottom two, and Allison came in last, after they've danced together almost every week and she has generally carried him.

I do have one theory about why this happened. The problem is that the female contestants are better than the men, on average, but the show is formatted to always force one boy and one girl to go home. Allison might have gotten more votes than Ivan, Travis, and Ryan put together, but the show doesn't send home the bottom two dancers. So she's being punished for the fact that the female contestant pool happens to be better at the moment. Here's my imaginary graph of this weeks' vote totals:

Pretend statistics are fun.

Ivan looks shell-shocked. Meanwhile, Ryan gives a completely unwanted hug to Natalie's back. What is the deal with these two? He really seems obsessed with her, and I don't think she likes him at all, especially when you consider that her usual M.O. is to hang all over everybody. We see Allison's clip package. Allison is handling it all really well. Natalie's face is covered with tears and snot. Shut up, Natalie.

Then Allison does a completely new solo. Huh? Yes, it was lame last week when the losers did the same exact solo three times in the space of less than twenty-four hours, but this week's system is so much dumber. No solo at all during the performance show (which counts); then two separate and new solos during the elimination show (which doesn't count). Granted, this last solo seems to last about fifteen seconds, but still. It makes this show seem really bootleg the way they keep changing the rules every single week without bothering to explain why. Twice during her solo, Allison goes up and artistically wraps herself around Travis. He just stands there like a telephone pole. Hee. As we go to commercial, Ryan looks sick with nerves and Travis is crying.

The big reveal after the break is pretty anticlimactic. The guy going home is Ryan. I'm sad, but it really would have been unfair to send Travis home. If Ivan can't leave, then I think Ryan has to. Ryan and Travis share a very romantic full-body goodbye hug. We see Ryan's clip package. I am reminded of my favorite Ryan dance ever, which was the one when he "beat [Heidi's] bongos." Ryan does his final solo to yet another Chris Brown song. Does Chris Brown have an endorsement deal with this show?

For next week, I would like to issue my own personal plea to America: Please vote. It's the only way to protect your civil rights. And please, please, please, don't vote for Ivan.

Posted by Amanda at 10:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (21)

This week, America is reeling from the Tour de France dopiong scandal, the war in Lebanon, and - perhaps most jarring of all - Dmitry's shocking dismissal from So You Think You Can Dance. Can the new performance episode restore some tiny shred of order and stability to our troubled lives? Let's all look to Cat and Nigel to show us the way.

I know this recap isn't up quite as speedily as usual. I'm going to blame this one on my little sister for getting married today (congrats, Becca and Gary). I have given her a stern talking-to and she has promised never to do it again. Meanwhile, Cat is paying tribute to 1979 with her look tonight, which is an ugly shiny shirred teal polyester long-sleeved dress and big hair. She looks kind of like Charo. See? Already, she's evoking memories of a simpler time, when jazzercise was racy and cutting-edge, and even though you had to wait in line to put gas in your car, it still cost less than a college education. Mere seconds into the show, and already I am soothed.

Coochie-coochie-coo!

Actually, my feeling of peace started to materialize even before Cat emerged. One hour before, to be precise, when I realized that the first hour of this two-hour behemoth was a rerun, and so I've only got one hour of intensive performance-show recapping ahead of me. I am always so grateful to this show whenever it unexpectedly ransoms an hour of my life. Ah, the Fox network - giver of unexpected gifts.

The dance-in is shockingly short: We're down to eight dancers, y'all! How did this happen? Allison (in ugly black ankle boots); Benji (in a hideous yellow-and-black tank top); Natalie (hoochie as always); Ivan; Donyelle (in a dress that unnecessarily makes her look gigantic); Travis; Heidi; and Ryan. Yay! I forgot about Ryan, and how happy I was when he didn't go home last week. Let's see if my rooting power works for him again. Meanwhile, I have to agree with the commenter who posted that Ivan seems totally out of his league in this crowd. He's cute and everything, but I think it's time.

Benji tests my love for him. My love survives.

Cat intros the judges: Nigel, Mary, and Dan Karaty. Pretty good panel, I'd say. They don't talk at all, which is odd. Cat says we have to get right to it, and with only one hour I suppose she's right. Donyelle is first to draw her partner, and she gets Travis. They then draw hip-hop and the quickstep - ooh, nice combination. I notice that the show has switched things up a little, so that now they draw both dance styles on the same piece of paper. I guess this ensures that every pair will have to do two dramatically different styles, rather than having to do, say, the Spanish waltz and then the Italian waltz, or West Coast hip-hop and then East Coast hip-hop, or whatever other overly specific and overly similar styles might be on offer at the moment.

Their first choreographer is Shane Sparks. He interviews that he's going to do something different and "animalistic." Then he tells Travis, "You have to become a monkey." And, okay. I guess I have to officially abandon my earlier position that Travis was being culturally insensitive when he said that a previous hip-hop (or crunk?) routine made him feel like King Kong. I think Shane has just brought this whole genre of comparison to a never-before-approached level; apparently, it's fine to compare dancing hip-hop to acting like a monkey. Teaches me a lesson. Also, Donyelle does not have to be a monkey. She has to be a kangaroo. This is all we learn about their routine during rehearsal.

Like the bunny hop, only more spaztastic.

Then they dance. They are wearing jeans, baggy sweatshirts, and bizarro white masks that completely cover their faces so that if you didn't know it was Donyelle and Travis, you wouldn't be able to tell. I can't stop thinking about how hot and sweaty they must be jumping around under those stage lights in all those clothes. Partway through the routine, they turn their backs to us and lower their hoods, and they have additional freaky white mask faces on the backs of their heads - or rather, on the backs of the ski masks they're wearing, which must make them even hotter. It's all a little Friday the 13th. The dance itself is pretty nondescript. I don't notice anyone acting like either a monkey or a kangaroo. Am I the only one who's noticed that there rarely seems to be any connection between what we see in rehearsal and what we see onstage?

Nigel says that the masks detracted from the dancers' performances, by hiding their eyes. He also acknowledges that that's not their fault. Mary says she loved the concept. Mary is wearing some sort of lingerie gone wrong - black satin, with lace trim, and it's too tight in the bust and shoulders. She points out that the masks upped the difficulty level for the dancers. Yes, but the fact that it's hard to perform doesn't mean it's necessarily fun to watch. Dan Karaty says that the dance had tons of potential, but they didn't pull their dancing up to the level they needed to. He calls it "pretty hot," which sounds like about a B-minus, from the way he says it.

This is what happens when you dress yourself from the clearance rack at Victoria's Secret.

After the commercial, Allison draws Ivan. Weird - I assumed these drawings were rigged so that no one could draw someone they've partnered in the past. It seems unfair to let these two dance together again; they have tons of practice at that by now. They draw hip-hop and Argentine tango. And again, they've already done Argentine tango; Ivan even shows up to rehearsal wearing a fedora which might be the same fedora he wore before. Granted, their previous tango was one of the best dances I've seen on this show. But if I'm going to see this style again, I'd rather see it on another couple.

The choreographer is Alex Da Silva. His plan is apparently to give them a more advanced tango than the one they had last time. Once more, we don't see much rehearsal footage. The dance is really fun to watch - I love the drama of the tango, and the cool shoes, and the music, and the hat. But the novelty has worn off; it was all better the first time they did it. Nigel says it was tremendous, although Ivan wobbled a few times. Mary says this dance was déjà vu, but she means that in a good way; she says it was hot. Dan says that earlier in the season, Allison "worked [Ivan] all over the stage," but this time, he worked her. I have no idea what that means, but everybody likes it. I will say that the only time I've thought these two had chemistry has been during their two tangos.

Natalie draws Ryan; they pick contemporary and disco. Disco is up first, with Doriana Sanchez. Have we seen this woman before? She looks like a reject from the auditions to replace Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. She frightens me. I am not looking forward to this, because I've now been convinced that the only good thing about the disco routines on this show is the clothes. Natalie and Ryan dance to "Turn the Beat Around." It's, well, it's a disco routine. Ryan's clothes are my favorite part - an ugly brown/purple vest, and flared jeans in that weirdo seventies light-blue color.

Happy Halloween! I am Boooooooooobarella....

Then all of a sudden the dance gets a lot better. There's a sequence of great footwork, and then a very impressive lift with a split. These two are good together. Natalie's crotch is, of course, a featured performer with its own solo, but you probably didn't need me to tell you that. All in all, I enjoy this dance much more than I expected to. We see Dmitry in the crowd holding a "Vote 4 Natalie" sign. Nigel says Natalie is fiery, but Ryan wasn't strong enough; his water was putting out Natalie's fire. BOO! I disagree. Mary says the chemistry between Natalie and Ryan is not believable; basically, she hated the dance. Dan says it was painful, and he feels bad for Natalie. I think the judges all suck. Disco is good for Ryan, in my humble opinion. He's so understated, and disco is so over-the-top, and it balances out well.

Pretend her legs are giant arms, and this becomes hilarious. Oh, only to me? Okay, then.

Cat seems to be feeling bad about all the abuse Ryan is taking, so she cuts in to ask the audience if they had fun. Oh, that Cat - always ready to make an awkward moment more awkward. Ryan doesn't seem especially bothered by any of it. My interpretation is that he's resigned to going home this week. Hope not, but he has that look about him, like he's given up the fight.

The last couple is Heidi and Benji; Cat points out that they're cousins and this is the first time they've danced as partners. I assume she means the first time on the show, and not the first time in their entire lives, but who knows. This reminds me that I am a little disappointed that we never got to see the pairing of real-life partners Heidi and Dmitry. I bet that would have been really great (assuming they had drawn ballroom).

For some reason, we have to watch Heidi draw Benji as her partner, even though he's the only one left. Heidi seems surprised when she pulls his name. Maybe they didn't draw in the same order that we're seeing, and she wasn't actually the last to pick? Who knows. Anyway, they pick mambo and Broadway. Ooh - those are two juicy ones. Broadway never fails to entertain me, and Heidi obviously puts on a great show whenever she does a ballroom number. And, as you know, Benji is just my favorite no matter what. But wait. Isn't mambo, like, a sexy dance? Are they supposed to act like they have "chemistry"? Ew. This is worse than Passions.

We'll have to find out about the incest quotient later, because they're dancing Broadway first, courtesy of Tyce DiOrio. The dance has "churchy, revival" influences, and we see them briefly playing "old-time preacher" in rehearsal. Their song is from Dreamgirls, which I am sad to say I've never seen. This is bad news for Heidi. I think this dance showcases one of the few styles to which she is really not suited. She doesn't have any, er, soul. Benji, on the other hand, is totally in his element. He's wearing a skinny tie, which is one of my fave looks for him. Watching this, I wish he was dancing it with Donyelle. That would be awesome.

Nigel does the least convincing fake-out ever, pretending that he has nothing to say and holding his face all serious for a minute, and then busting out with a "Hallelujah!" He says the two of them have the best chemistry of the night, and again I saw, EW. Mary says "Amen!" Okay, guys, this joke is getting old. Mary says she was so happy for them when they drew each other to dance. Why? Were the two of them just dying to dance together all along? I don't know. I bet their grandparents or whoever were excited to see it, but I thought they were just so-so as a couple. Which is as it should be! Gah! They're cousins! Do any of y'all remember these Canadian Olympic ice dancers called the Duchesnays? They were brother and sister, yet I once saw them do this bondage-inspired routine. It was so gross. And suddenly, yet another bizarre link between So You Think You Can Dance and French Canadians is uncovered. The evidence of the conspiracy is building.

This is the best picture I could find of the Duchesnays grossing me out, but you get the idea.

Ahem. Back to the show. Dan says that Broadway could use two dancers like these two. Well, Benji, for sure. But again, I think Heidi is a little soulless for this type of performance. She seems like a robot programmed to execute her way through. Incidentally, a girl in the crowd is holding a sign asking Benji to father her child. That is a truly excellent idea.

After the judging, Cat recaps that each pair has danced once, and after the break, they will all dance again. And this seems like as good a time as any to point out that they are NOT dancing solos this week - nobody is. I don't get it, because such a big deal was made last week of the fact that solos were being added to the performance show. I understand that with only an hour of performances this week, there just wasn't time, but it seems strange that Cat and Nigel aren't even going to mention this sudden (yet another) format change. On the other hand, I'm thrilled, because last week I had to recap twenty dances, and this week, there are only eight.

Right before the commercial, Cat tells us, "See you on the other side." She's saying it to us - to "America." That sure does sound apocalyptic. It's a bit much as a signoff before going to commercial, don't you think? It's more like what you'd say before detonating a bomb and blowing up the entire auditorium full of people, or before parachuting out of a plane to escape from the authorities. It's not what a person would say before a separation brought about by a COMMERCIAL, and lasting a grand total of maybe four minutes. Does Cat write her own lines, or what? I would love to know.

Next are Donyelle and Travis, dancing the quickstep. The choreographer is Glen Weiss, whom I can't remember ever having seen before. Donyelle describes the quickstep as a "hopscotch marathon." That's a pretty good characterization. Sadly, for the actual dance, Donyelle has been dressed in the most horribly unflattering thing she could ever wear. Somebody in wardrobe clearly hates her this week. I don't think she's up to her usual standard; Travis, on the other hand, seems born to dance the quickstep. Because his feet are really ... quick. Yeah.

Seriously, what did Donyelle do to the wardrobe people? Or the cameramen?

Nigel says that they did a good job of faking it - they didn't really have the correct style for the quickstep. He says that Donyelle's hopscotch analogy is wrong; they're supposed to "skim" across the floor. Then he compares Travis to the Gingerbread Man from Shrek, all jerky and stiff. Travis seems to actually find this funny. Shows you how much I know, because the part of the dance that gets re-aired to illustrate this stiff-legged "Gingerbread Man" point was one of my favorite parts of the dance. Fire me as a dance critic RIGHT NOW.

Mary continues her pattern tonight of fakeouts, acting like she's going to say something nice (she also did this to Natalie and Ryan) and then going on to savage the routine. She says the best part was when it ended. Ouch. Dan piles it on, saying that he loves to disagree with Nigel and Mary ... but he's not going to! PSYCH! He says it "wasn't there," and Donyelle and Travis are having a rough night. Donyelle says that she's taking notes for next week, and she's perfectly lovely with the way she says it. Wow, this is really the first time that she's taken any degree of criticism. Travis, too. It's odd, because they are two of the best dancers; you'd think they'd be great together. I think they are mainly victims of the choreography tonight.

Allison and Ivan are up next with hip-hop and Shane Sparks. Again, yawn; we've seen this exact configuration before. This time, though, Shane has a new idea: "I want it to seem like they're from two different places, and they're thinking about each other, and it's raining." Hee. How do you make it seem like it's raining? Well, that's easy: You make them hold umbrellas. Shane gets annoyed with them continually dropping the umbrellas, and he says that the next person who drops one has to do fifty push-ups. Then he drops his by accident. He tries to weasel out, but we see him doing push-ups with Allison perched on his back. If he can do fifty like that, at that speed, he's the baddest-ass choreographer in all the land.

Not what it looks like.

Their song is "Sexy Love" by Ne-Yo. I want to clarify the reason why I am not familiar with Ne-Yo and Chris Brown. Some have speculated that it has to do with what type of radio station I do or don't listen to, but actually, it probably has more to do with the fact that I don't listen to the radio at all, and I don't have cable so I can't even remember the last time I saw a video. The singers that I know about are the ones who show up in Us Weekly or on various trashy websites. Once I've heard of someone, if I happen to stumble across their music, I'll go out of my way to listen to it. Otherwise, I just listen to all the music I already have. I now recognize that this is not the best system for locating good music, and I have made a resolution to start listening to the radio more. Just another little quality-of-life improvement brought to me courtesy of this show.

I thought the umbrellas were going to be a stupid gimmick, but they actually work really well; they get swung around in unison and add some visual interest for the first few seconds. Then, wisely, the dancers dump them entirely until the very end of the routine. It's a good dance; this song, which is not hip-hop at all but kind of easy-listening R&B, mellows everything out. Nigel liked this number; he says it showed the softer side of hip-hop, with no aggression and no booty-spanking. Ivan tries to high-five Allison, but she leaves him hanging and kisses his neck instead. Awkward. Mary thought the dance was "really beautiful," and she compliments Shane. Dan follows in the same vein, saying that Shane usually does hard, energetic stuff, and it's even more difficult to design a hip-hop routine that shows feeling. He says Allison and Ivan were "perfect."

They were exactly this adorable.

Post-commercial, it's what I view as Ryan's Last Stand. Come on, Ryan! Win this one for the team! Luckily, this number is going to be contemporary, which I hate, but which is Ryan's strength (and I guess Natalie's too). Tyce is the choreographer, which is too bad - I wish they had Mia Michaels. Ryan interviews that Natalie is the partner he's been waiting for all along. Yeah, I forgot about that. When they first got their partners assigned, Ryan was kind of rude to Heidi because he'd wanted Natalie so much. Now, he practically starts drooling talking about her. "How can you go wrong with Natalie? It's, it's Natalie, Natalie." Natalie says that Ryan follows her around like a little puppy, which is fine with her. I kind of think Ryan wants to BE Natalie, y'all.

The song is by BoyzIIMen, so more R&B. Natalie is still displaying far too many body parts, but she and Ryan both look good, in very simple white outfits that look like they'd be nice for wearing to sleep in the summer. The dance is just a bunch of moving around and putting their bodies into very graceful curves. It's very floaty. I guess it's "contemporary," but it's not at all avant-garde or weird.

Ryan always looks like the cover of that old Seal album.

Nigel liked this one. He gushes some more about his big old crush on Natalie, and then he says that this time, Ryan showed why he's here, with his beautiful lines. We certainly have heard a lot about how Ryan has beautiful lines and beautiful extensions, but I can't argue with it. He'd be great at ballet. Nigel says the whole thing was generally beautiful. Mary says that both Natalie and Ryan will have long careers. Blah blah, Natalie pretty, Ryan extension. Mary, here's a dollar. Buy yourself an original thought. (Not saying she never has one, but she sure didn't this time; she almost veered into Cicely-and-Olisa territory.) Dan says they looked beautiful and danced it as though they were the only ones in the room, with no nerves or tension at all.

Heidi and Benji again, with the mambo. Sorry, it's called the "club mambo." What the hell does that mean? Next week there will be a "Peruvian mambo" and then a "Norwegian mambo," followed by a "smooth mambo" and then a "crunchy mambo." We get Alex Da Silva again, and he says this is going to be a really, really fast mambo. He spins his assistant around in a circle at roughly the speed of light. Heidi's eyes get big. Benji says, "Holy poo!" HA HA - I might have to start using that one, Benji. Also, this makes me kind of love Alex Da Silva, because it's really mean and hilarious to just make Heidi and Benji spin around like crazy until they barf. Oh, please, please let one of them barf (Heidi, obviously).

The dance is, yikes, great. Benji is wearing a black suit with a hysterical white kerchief around his neck. Folks, the only word for this is "flamboyant," and I mean that in the most positive sense. Benji's pants have this little silver stripe down the side, which is what Bob Dylan's pants always have when he performs, and this makes me love Benji even more, if such a thing is possible. There is much swiveling of hips, and it's all incredibly stylish and peppy. This dance is fantastic. The sex quotient is nowhere near as high as I feared, and anyway it doesn't matter, because they're so good that I forget who is actually dancing and whether or not they happen to be blood relatives. This dance is so good that I want to watch it again.

Go, Benji, go!

The crowd chants for Benji, and not for Heidi, which they also did after the first dance. Harsh. Nigel makes a joke about Benji wearing one of Dmitry's old shirts. Yeah, Benji's chest is technically bare, but that ruffly pirate kerchief covers most of it. We see Dmitry in the audience again. He looks perfectly content.

Nigel says that this dance has "so many superlatives attached to it." He uses this as a launching point to hype up the show, saying, "This is why we got more than eight million votes last week." Wow - a few weeks ago they were vaguely alluding to "hundreds of thousands." That is quite a huge improvement, if true. Nigel also says that "we are America's number-one summer-season show," and he says that the show has already been picked up by Fox for a third season. Yay! But I hope it's not until next summer, because bringing it back before that would kill it, I think.

Nigel says this was the best dance of the night. Well, by far. I think the only question is whether it was the best dance of the season. He praises them both specifically for how great they are as partners; he also mentions how synchronized they were on the "toe-heel steps," and he calls the dance "magnificent." Mary tries another fake-out, but in the opposite direction, bullshitting that their choreographer let them down before delivering the totally obvious "I'm only kidding! It was brilliant!" This stupid psych-you-out tactic is really starting to fall flat; doing it once is funny, but after that it's just annoying and a waste of oxygen.

Mary says that Heidi and Benji are the only two dancers on the show who could have done such a fast and well-partnered mambo. I guess that's true, now that Dmitry is gone. Dan says that this was the most professional-looking routine we've seen all season. I agree, and I wonder momentarily how much of that we really want. I mean, this show would not be as much fun if it were composed of all competitive-caliber ballroom dancers. On the other hand, I don't think they should be excluded; we're looking for the best dancer. So I am still pretty delighted with this routine. Dan says he can come up with absolutely nothing to criticize. Nigel says that they have to do that routine on the tour, and he'd even pay to see it. Yay, tour! Now I have something to live for. Yup, I'd pay to see that too.

So, this week, even though we only saw partner dances, "America" still has to vote for individual dancers. I still think Ivan should go home, even though he did a decent job this week. But I must admit that Ryan is the second-weakest; on the other hand, Travis did have a rough week, as Dan said. Really, it's only Benji who should be a mortal lock to stay. For the girls, Donyelle probably had the worst night, but she's so great overall. Neither Natalie nor Allison is quite as good as she is; I hope one of them goes, and I don't care which one. And even though I went into this episode expecting it to be Heidi's swan song, and even though her personality grates, if she is sent home after that mambo, it will be a gross injustice.

Can't wait for the results show - I'll get the recap up as fast as I can. See you soon!

Posted by Amanda at 12:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

Dog Bites Man, 7/26/06, Comedy Central

I don't know how many people actually watch the semi-improvised comedy Dog Bites Man, but the show is definitely Comedy Central's funniest offering since Reno 911! and Chappelle's Show first premiered in 2003. The entire premise of the series is that a fictional news team goes out into the field and interviews real people. It's kind of like The Daily Show meets Punk'd. Okay, that makes it sound pretty lame. Just trust us -- the show is awesome. And to prove it to you, here's a clip from the most recent episode.

Posted by at 4:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Only one person in this photo won by a majority vote...can you spot him?

Cameraman to Idols "Hey, everyone awkwardly look in opposing directions...perfect!"

It's wicked simple, just add your caption to the body of this post. One winner will be selected and will receive the American Idol Season 5 Encores CD autographed by all 12 finalists. Enter as many titles as you want. And remember guys, nothing gets you laid faster than letting a lady know you have an autographed CD of the AI album!

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 3:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (38)

It only took three episodes. Three episodes of this seasons Project Runway to get my blood boiling. Don't get me wrong, it was a great episode. It had drama, creativity, suspense, Tim. All the things we've come to love about Project Runway. But it also had one of the worst performances by judges I've seen in all 3 seasons. And the person that was sent home should never have been sent home. And it was made all the worse when the one person who did no work, and I mean literally threw something on his model in twenty minutes, not only got away scott free but was complimented. In fact this was the first episode when I actually thought that Nina Garcia doesn't know shit. I know, harsh words, but I stand by them. And although I may not be an expert on good fashion, in the words of Supreme Court Justice Potter Stuart, "I know it when I see it". Of course he was referring to hard core pornography not fashion. Two sides of the same coin really.

The show starts with the designers still recovering from the loss of dear old Malan. Which is quick since they weren't too traumatized by the whole experience. I mean he made a poopy dress. Literally. When they get before Heidi on the runway she comes out in a nice brown plaid top and some blue jeans that showcase her fantastic fanny. She tells the designers that they will be designing for one of fashions "hottest accessories". Tim will fill them all in on the details tomorrow morning. Oh, Heidi is being coy! Who knew Germans had coyness in them? Punctuality and a love of schnitzels yes, but coyness? Heidi them brings out the models and Kayne has to choose who he is keeping. He goes with Katya since she has undeniably fierce walk.

When that is Heidi then tells them all to get some rest because they have "a very early start tomorrow" . As she says this she rubs her hands and her voice lowers to a musky growl. The new Evil Heidi. We've seen pieces of her in the Project Runway ad's where she lets out that loud "HA!" and now it is coming out in full force. I'm liking the evil Heidi. I'd like to go all James Bond and sneak into her evil lair. And by that I mean vagina. I would like to be inside her vagina. There I said it.

That night at the Atlas apartments they are all trying to figure out what the accessory is. Cell phone? Uli pipes in with her own Idea's in her stilted German accent. "Maybe belt or shoe?" Shoes accessories? I thought shoes were just shoes. Then she keeps going. "Maybe liederhosen! Or Konfektionsgrößen? Vait! I bet it's strudel! YA! It vill be Strudel! "

The next morning at 6 am they all find a note from Tim. He tells them all to make their way uptown along the west side of Central Park. When Laura realizes it she has a eureka moment. "Guys. It's horses. Are horses a fashion accessory?" Huh? What? Horses? Do they even allow horses in Central Park? Where did she get that from? Laura is so dead set on her horse idea that when they are all ready and walking up Central Park West Laura is wearing a jockey outfit. Damn, who knew she even was able to pack a jockey uniform much less make one?

TimFont ™

When they finally get to the spot in Central park they are met by Tim walking 13 tiny dogs in outfits. Visual humor! That's right, the accessory they are designing for this week is dogs. But not cool dogs like Weimaraners and Basset Hounds. Snippy little shitty dogs. Laura is horrified. "When you're 42 years old and you have five children you just I don't have the emotional energy to care for an animal like that." She whines. Anyone else notice that this rich upper west side architect constantly mentions the fact that she is 42 and has five kids like it means she should get the congressional medal of honor or something? And it's not like she is taking care of the kids on the show. Right now it's just her and the stupid dog. While mom is on the reality show I'm sure the kids are doing what they always do. Spending all day with the live in nanny while Laura goes all over the city telling everyone who looks at her that she has 5 kids and is 42 and doesn't wear sweatpants. Yeah for her!

Everyone picks a dog that suits their personality (which makes me miss Malan all the more) with Keith choosing the most grotesquely ugly dog in existence. "I like to make rare things. This is a rare dog" he says in that obnoxious way where his eyes are closed the entire time. Bradley and Alison switch dogs since Alison is more inspired by the poodle. Laura makes a point not to touch the dog and instead shoves it in her bag. The same mom with the much heralded five kids. Now I'm thinking she has two fulltime nannies.

Laura mulls over her design idea

Back at Parsons Tim fills them in on the challenge. They are going to make a women's wear outfit for their dog. And they want them to think narratively. Create a story for the dress and the woman wearing it. And oh yeah, they also have to design a complimentary outfit for the dog. Alison's idea for her dog "Pepe" is that her girl is a fashionista who travels the world so Pepe will get a mini motorcycle jacket. You know, there is something about the way Alison talks that bothers me. It's not a lisp, its some kind of odd affectation that I can't quite place.

WTF?

Angela being Angela she goes the crazy bag lady route. "My story is about a British headmistress of an art camp in Paris called "Jubilee Jumbles" and she's throwing a party for "pattycake". " she tells us. An art camp in Paris named Jubilee Jumbles. You can't make this shit up. Well, Angela can but that is because she is bipolar. Jeffrey meanwhile is singing to his dog while fitting him for a hat. Crazy people rule. Let's just hope this dog isn't like all the other dogs he's owned and starts to tell him to "kill them all".

From here it is off to good ole Mood. Kayne picks an absolutely gorgeous misoni print. I probably spelled that wrong, but I still struggle with "their" and "there" so you can't really blame me. Once they are done there they head back to the workroom. Everyone starts working furiously. Everyone that is except for Bradley. He's just kind of sitting there staring blankly at his fabric like he is at a Phish concert. Or perhaps a college professor not unlike a middle aged Donald Sutherland told him that our whole solar system could be, like one tiny atom in the fingernail of some other giant being. Which means that one tiny atom in Bradley's fingernail could be one little tiny universe. Think about it... When we hear him in his diary interview he tells us that he is realizing that the lines he drew into his fabric were really hard to sew so he is spending a lot of time readjusting.

The next day they are all busy working. Everyone seems happy with what they have so far. Especially Vincent. He shows Jeffrey the outfit he has for his dog and breaks into this maniacal insane laughing fit that scares me on several levels. 1. The laugh itself is the laugh of an insane man. 2. He laughs for about 10 seconds straight, and 3. He is laughing about his stupid dog outfit, which is not funny in the least. It's like seeing someone laugh at a "you might be a redneck if.." joke. It just frightens you to your core.

Portrait of madman

Bradley however has decided to completely abandon his original idea and start over from scratch. It's kind of like when your high you are convinced that just as soon as you finish this bag of cheetos you are going to backpack across Europe and write a novel. But instead you just end up passing out with yellow fingers. Now I'm not saying Bradley was high when he came up with his original idea, but just look at him.

"Dave's not here man..."

Soon everyone notices Bradley is falling way behind. Then we find out that tomorrow is his birthday. Keith tells us that as bad as Bradley's garment is it couldn't be as bad as what Angela came up with. Then we get a look at Angela working on her sherbert purple outfit. Keith describes it as a big bag of skittles, and he's not too far off.

We're not done with Keith yet though as then he goes into his diva mode and starts to take over the sewing machine that is supposed to be Michael's. Laura confronts him and they bitchfest it out. Laura tells us in her diary interview that Keith has been pissing people off all week. "She's bad mommy!" says Keith in his annoying "oh god I just want to punch you in the face until there's nothing left" way.

Soon it's time for Tim. As he does his first go around the workroom he stops at Katherine's station. He is concerned that the dress itself is too basic. He encourages he to make a hood to match the dogs outfit. At Uli's station Tim is very happy with Uli's outfit. It's a funky print dress and he thinks it looks beautiful. Even I like it. Tim is also happy with Keith's dress, much to Laura's dismay. His only concern is that Keith hasn't done anything for the challenge for the dog. When Keith tries to bullshit his way out of making anything by saying that the image of the woman wearing the dress in his head is not the kind of woman that would dress her dog up, Tim just looks at him and reminds him that its part of the challenge. Keith just gives that look like a brat who doesn't get his ice cream. He's mastered that look.

When he sees Angela's poofy skittles bag, he tells her that she has gone way over the top. He's especially amazed that she put so much work into the inside of her vest, sicne the judges will never see it. "Think about who she is in terms of describing her to the judges" Tim says, meaning "Is this the kind of woman that eats her own poop and owns 30 cats? If so, spot on!" At Bradley's station he is shocked that he hasn't gotten anything done. "I don't get it" he tells him. They are almost out of time and Tim says that the entire top needs to be redone. As they work into the night Bradley gets more and more flustered. He tells Keith that he is thinking of just forfeiting the whole thing completely. By the time the midnight deadline comes around, he is settled into the fact that he isn't going to show. Ooh. A Project Runway first!

The next morning Tim stops by to tell them that the models are coming in an hour and they have two hours to prepare them. Then he stops by to wish Bradley a happy birthday and see how his dress has come. It's not going well as he has virtually nothing but a pile of fabric in front of him. Tim is afraid to even ask about the dog, which Bradley hasn't even started on yet.

Then the models show up and its time of my favorite part of the show. Model fittings! When Bradley's cute model Clarissa saunters up to Bradley, he fills her in on the dress issue. "Am I going to be naked?" she asks. A fantastic idea I say to myself. But no, Bradley says he might not show at all. "I really don't want to go home." She says a little nervously. Seeing her model like that inspires Bradley to start working even harder. But is it too little too late? Once the models are fitted its time to fit the dogs. Well, everyone except Keith's that is. He doesn't even bother to do anything for his dog. Bradley however has decided to just throw on whatever he had done onto his model and shove her down the runway. This should be fun.

On the runway we are introduced to our judges. Once again we have Nina Garcia and Vera Wang (sans bangs this time) filling in for Michael Kors. And our guest judge is... Ivanka Trump! Of course! Who else to judge a fashion contest than Ivanka Trump! I mean, she wears clothes. It's a no brainer. My favorite part if this whole episode is Vera Wang is introduced as the "world renowned fashion designer", Nina is introduced as "fashion director of Elle magazine" and Ivanka is introduced as.... "The fashionable Ivanka Trump". Just when you think things can't get funnier, Heidi continues "..Vice president of Development at the Trump organization". Awesome. Hey I can't blame her. If my dad was a billionaire I'd love for him to just give me business cards that say "Executive Vice President of International Relations of the Hill Corporation" and then get drunk all night at the clubs picking up chicks. The woman won the genetic lottery and is making the most of it.

Is she laughing with us or at us?

Now its time for the runway show. First up is Kayne. He has a funky print dress with a white top and what looks to be some sort of pleather jacket. Then it's Uli's dress. Uli went with a wild print dress, a brown mini vest and some funky beaded necklace. The whole thing is really nice looking. And her dog has the leopard print dog outfit with "Hi ladies" printed on the side. Nice touch Uli. Roberts dress comes out and has a pink plaid Jackie Kennedy skirt and a white top that is a dead ringer for the Seinfeld puffy shirt.

Alison's outfit has a retro 80's look with a matching Flock of Seagulls/Kid n' Play hairstyle. Keith's dress seems fine, but according to his voiceover critique you'd think he made the greatest dress to ever walk the earth. His dress is so perfect he says, that it doesn't need a matching dog outfit. I think Keith is angling to be this years "villain". That's where they act over the top obnoxious in order to get noticed and become semi famous, when in reality they are just lame wannabe celebrities with marginal talent. I call this the "Jase syndrome".

Bonnie's has a nice black and white outfit and Katherine's dress, while definitely "basic" is a pretty color and I really like the layered colors around the ...umm, boobies. Michaels dress is a brown dress with some interesting fabric work on the top. Vincent continues the 80's theme, only with him it's not intentional since he hasn't designed fashion since the mid eighties so he probably thinks his looks contemporary instead of retro. It's like he was encased in amber since 1986. We could probably extract his D.N.A. and make dinosaurs from it but they would be mentally unstable dinosaurs with bad New York accents, and no on wants to see that.

Laura's outfit matches her personality. Stuck up middle aged ice queen. And then we have Angela. Oh poor Angela. It's a giant purple poof skirt and a super short black vet stop. And oh yeah, it's covered in about a thousand little baubles. In fact if you look close enough I'm sure she has some dry macaroni glued on there somewhere. "The whole outfit was unlike anything that anyone else had done" she beams. For once Angela and I are in complete agreement about something. Finally Jeffrey's model comes out ad his dress is a silk layered dress that's fairly unremarkable.

Now that the show is over its time for the judging. Heidi calls forward Alison ,Bradley, Keith, Angela, Katherine and Uli. Everyone else can leave the runway, but the remaining six have the highest and lowest scores. Then they bring out their models and they start with Uli. Heidi asks Uli about her "storyline" she was told to create for her model. Uli takes a page out of the Sex and the City handbook. Her outfit of for a "young hip girl who is not afraid of color. She likes party. Actually she went party last night and now got up at 12 o'clock and is now she is meeting her girlfriends and they are going to lunch and going shopping for more fabulous clothes." Once she says this Ivanka then pipes in and says "I like your story. It just works for me." This is why I love doing recaps for this show. The jokes are just handed to you on a silver platter.

The judges call out Katherine for the simpleness of her dress. So much so that they like the dogs outfit more than the models. Katherine says that that's what she was looking for. Clean and simple. Heidi thinks its very blah. With Alison's they love the look, especially the giant eraserhead hair. They think its chic and modern.

Then it's time for Angela. Oh boy. Angela's story about the assistant director at the Paris art camp throwing a party for her dog goes completely over the judges head. Ivanka just wants to know at what point during her story does the woman drink a bottle of Cristal and do a line of coke of the penis of her Greek shipping heir boyfriend. Those are the kinds of stories that just "work for her". When Heidi asks how old the kids are at this made up camp Angela just makes up a number and says "6-12". This offends the judges since the outfit is somewhat risqué. These imaginary children are being exposed to some imaginary inappropriate clothing. This could lead to all sorts of imaginary problems for their imaginary futures. Nina herself is speechless and Vera thinks its raunchy and has no style. Man if I had a nickel everytime I heard that.

Now its Bradley's potato sack dress. Before they can start Bradley's dog starts barking to which Heidi puts on her sexy evil Heidi voice and tells him that "he's being a bad boy". Now I just need to find a way to make that audio clip my new ringtone and I will be all set. When they ask for his story I swear I think he makes it up on the spot. It's a woman who "appreciates simplicity and structure" Then there is silence. Vera Wang says that she "loves the idea of this outfit". Nina wants to see the profile, which makes it looks worse and Nina goes gaga. "I could see us shooting that for Elle." What? Excuse me? Are they nuts? It's a giant orange sack on top of a skirt. He put ten minutes of work into it. Hey maybe I'm wrong. I mean obviously these people know more about fashion, but does anyone else think that dress is even the slightest bit pretty? God, why didn't Bradley just send his model out naked.

Next up is Keith. When he starts the story Keith takes a preemptive strike regarding the fact that he did nothing for the dog. "She's got a dog that's a rare breed and she doesn't want to dress sit up in baby doll clothes". This lame excuse doesn't work and they call him out on his not making a dog outfit. Keith then lies and says that he made "many many outfits for the dog" and struggled with the decision. He even goes as far as saying that yes he did make an outfit referring to the collar. Heidi actually walks up and inspects it and finds out that the collar is just a bracelet, all Keith did was stick a piece of fabric on that. "Heidi I spent a lot of time on that." He insists.

When they send them all backstage the judges then talk amongst themselves. They think Bradley's was the most original, and they love his "play with volume". Good lord Nina, he didn't play with anything. He shoved it on her and it just looked poofy because he didn't do anything to it. They Love Uli's patterns and the way she dressed the dog. They like Alison's vision but with Katherine they think its too basic and wasn't sewed well. Angela they think looked horrible. Vera didn't like the style and Ivanka says she looked like a streetwalker. Keith's attitude bothered them completely and Ivanka says she wants to see the tape to see whether he made 4 outfits for the dogs (he didn't). But still, the dress he made was nice.

When they bring the models out its time to announce the winner of this weeks challenge. The winner is...Uli. They love her design and choice of colors and fabrics. Now Uli has immunity for the next challenge. They tell Alison that she is in and can leave the runway. Then they tell Bradley that he can leave the runway. Wow. What can I say? I'm shocked. Then they tell Keith that he would have won the challenge but for his attitude ad not making a dog outfit. In his post interview we get the usual "villain shtick" or the "Jase moment" as I like to call it and says that he doesn't understand why he didn't win. Yeah yeah, whatever. Stop trying to be all Santino. I wouldn't be surprised if later this season we catch him sticking hot garbage in his pockets.

So that leaves Angela's skittles dress and Katherine's simple, but not well made dress. Simple. Get rid of Angela. She designs fashion for bag ladies. She sucks. Katherine's may not have been perfectly constructed but I liked the color and the whole, you know, booby thing. Who knows, maybe I'm just biased since Katherine's model is the only red head on the show this year, and they have always been my weakness (Oh Grace, how I miss you so).And then they drop the bomb. Angela is in. Katherine is out. Bullshit. Angela's and Bradley's dresses were pure abominations. They think Katherine's dress was too simple? Bradley cut 23 holes in his top for his model to stick her arms and head through and threw her down the runway. And Angela's looks like an upside down ice cream cone with sprinkles. Man who knew fashion could get me this riled up?

You and me both

So Katherine is out and Angela lives to bedazzle another day. Is anyone else as mad as me at this outcome? OH well, at least next week we have the big episode we've all been waiting for. A contestant gets kicked off the show for the first time ever.

Now if You'll excuse me I have to go pick out my outfit for the Greater Hartford Irish Music Festival. Hmm. Should I go with the usual flip flops, cargo shorts and TVgasm shirt, or perhaps I should wear a polo shirt? OK, but solid or print? Tucked in or out? Man so many options and I haven't even started on the accessories...

Posted by EdHIll at 3:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (78)

This week's episode of Entourage deals with all kinds of reprecussions most notably from the Eric/Sloane/Tori ménage a trois. You see, Eric woke up all snuggle bunnies with Tori, and not with his girlfriend Sloane, post-threesome. To make matters worse due to Sloane's "rules" he wasn't able to fully, err, release his feelings towards Tori during the bangfest. So now Eric's heads are both filled with unfulfilled fantasies about the hot hot hotttt Tori. Oh poor guy, what is that, like the one fantasy these four guys have yet to fulfill? No tears will be shed for you and your limited FMF experience. But this isn't all that we explore in this ep. We also get a heaping dose of Mrs. Ari and the beginning of the resolution of Ari's firing from last season. Plus, Ms. Melinda Clarke shows up for a few so we can elevate this episode from lackluster to O.C.-tastic!

Eric is the kitchen seeking cuddle amber alert advice from his boys, which is a pretty big mistake. Besides my mother and a priest I used to work with, I've got to think that Johnny Drama and Turtle are the two worst people to seek threesome advice from. Or any advice really. Luckily, Vince is there to also lend some much needed brain power. Okay, maybe not brain power, but perhaps some experience. Being that Vince is currently unemployed and a Hollywood leper - congratulations Ben Affleck, you've been replaced - he is very interested in helping his buddy out. Drama is too, but only really in deriding E for even giving an unsolicited snuggle. It's so unmanly. I can't be the only guy who doesn't mind a good snuggle. Cue swooning female TVgasm readers. Regardless, Sloane is having a charity event, because that is what rich guys' daughters do in LA, later on that evening and the guys need to help set up during the day. Naturally, Turtle complains, but Eric needs his wingmen to run defense because Tori will most likely be there helping out, and in a post-snuggle world things can get pretty awkward.

Ari is on his way to meet Terrence, his former boss, about the compensation he requires for basically making Terrence's agency the cash cow it has become. As Terrence is sitting there all sleek silver-haired evil, I remember why Malcolm McDowell was so freaking scary and awesome in A Clockwork Orange. I half expect him to leap out of his chair and start beating people to death while humming "Singing in the Rain".

Terrence makes Ari a lowball, crap offer, which Ari wipes his ass with. Ari bluffs Terrence (surprised her fell for that), reminding him that he's got a rich wife who loves spoiling him and nothing but time. SEE YOU IN COURT GRANDPA! Terrence finally caves and they come to an agreement: $11 million dollars. That seems like a bargain to get Jeremy Piven out of your hair, no?

At the charity event setup for Sloane - which is for like Chihuahuas who have been abused by a Hilton or something - things are awkward for Eric, as he just about messes his pants when seeing Tori. I have to admit that, due to a relocation of my TVgasm office (read: I moved out of my apartment), I didn't catch this episode until just the other night a full 24 hours after the least surprising shock announcement ever: Lance Bass is gay. Now every time I see Sloane all I can think of is this:

Vince, sensing the tension emitting from E, lightens the mood by saying he's willing to do anything Sloane needs to help out with the cause. After all, he once had a Chihuahua that was abused by a Hilton. Sloane, seizes the opportunity and informs Vince that Zach Braff just bailed on being an auctioned off dinner date. Since Vince is the most famous person in the room right now, he'll make an excellent replacement. Oh, best line -
Turtle to Sloane, about the decoration help from Tori: "You guys work well together."

The awkwardness may end when Eric and the guys leave, but the craziness just won't stop. Due to Tori's cool demeanor towards Eric, he is now convinced that he should head over to Tori's hotel to apologize to her. For the snuggle. After their threesome. But whyyyyy, Eric? Why? Why? Why? Well there is no room for reasoning when a hobbit finds love, so he sets off to her hotel to confront Tori about his serial snuggling.

Ari, meanwhile, has taken his doting wife, Mrs. Ari, to a large commercial office space. Before that, he plies her with a huge diamond ring in front of her Newpsie-like friends (two O.C. references - there should be some kind of prize for still caring about that show!). The commercial space is for the brand new Ari Gold Super Duper DUPER Talent Agency. With the money that he extorted from Terence Ari'll be able to fill up this commercial space with tons of life sucking agents all under his mind control! With this new space Ari will have the most powerful, the biggest and most overcompensating agency in town! To christen the blessed event, Mr. & Mrs. Ari have some very 9 1/2 Weeks sex on the dirty floor. Except as dirty as the floor is, it will never be as dirty as having sex with Mickey Rourke.

Only problem is, as the Golds are leaving the building, walk of shaming it back to their car, Ari pushes Mrs. Ari to the sidewalk and joins her down there in a panic. Unfortunately, the person they were trying to dodge, the backstabbing agent Andrew Davies, didn't fall for Ari's "we lost a contact" story. It's really when Davies starts firing back to Ari's public verbal attack, with something equally vile, and then apologizes to Mrs. Ari: "Sorry, he brings it out in me." If Davies figures out that Ari is trying to buy a bigger office space, and goes back and tells his boss, Terrence, the whole thing could go up in smoke.

At Tori's hotel, Eric runs into his equally diminutive arch nemesis, Seth Green. They banter, and it's nice to see Seth Green be funny again. Season 4 of The Family Guy and the not-so-dearly departed Three Kings does not a comedic resume make.

Eric finally finds Tori, who is startled by Eric's appearance at the world's least relaxing hotel pool ever. Eric and Tori go for a drink, at the world's least relaxing hotel pool's least relaxing pool bar ever. Tori didn't think it was so weird the way they woke up, but she thinks it's REALLY weird that Eric's there, behind Sloane's back now. Tori might be a fun loving, threesome having hottie, but Sloane is her friend; the other night was just fun, nothing more. Tori tells Eric that he's got a great girl:

And to go back to her.

Eric relays the story of how he was basically called a stalker, and the guys kind of see that point. Drama and Turtle go so far as to say that Sloane is the one that he should be apologizing to. Sloane is the one who DIDN'T get the snuggle. But now the pieces are all starting to come together. Did E fall in love during a threesome? Is that why Tori got to be his cuddle bear for the night?

Eric tries to proclaim that it was an accident. Drama should understand, being that if you were to put the screws to Mama Chase she'd probably admit that everything about Drama from conception to his present state has been some kind of accident. Drama tells him that Freud would say there are no accidents, something he presumably learned on the set of Sigmund: The Revenge of Freud. Eric has the best comeback of his life, when he reminds Turtle and Drama that they crossed swords (moment to vomit) during there threesome last year (moment to vomit). Was that an accident? This officially makes Drama & Turtle the new Chandler and Joey. Oh come on, you just know that one of those skanks that Joey brought back to the apartment suggested a little 3-way fun that both Mr. Bing and Mr. Tirbbiani were WAY to eager to participate in.

Eric is running late getting ready for Sloane's event. For once, Vince has to go to him to see what the hold up is. The hold up, it seems, is the massive hard-on Eric can't get rid of for his girlfriend's best friend. Vince also reminds him how great Sloane is, and that also, the Tori ship is about to set sail. She's leaving tomorrow morning, so all Eric has to do is keep it in his pants and his mouth shut for the evening. Once she's out of town it will be much better.

The guys get to the event, all dressed to save some Chihuahuas. They spot a very elegant looking Tori, before Sloane can come up and give them all a big hello. At this point I must give credit where credit is due. I am not a huge fan of either Eric or his portrayer, Kevin Connelly. I think the character can be a little self-righteous and the actor a little flat. One probably has something to do with the other (a better actor might be able to make something more of Eric's whining and high horse hopping; a better character might appeal more to Kevin's strengths), but I digress. I feel like this is one of the first times in the show's three seasons that Eric shows this particular side of awkwardness, and Kevin gets to be funny in light of the discomfort. I'm very pleasantly surprised by how funny Kevin Connelly plays his scenes. For once, most of the laughs come from E, rather than Turtle/Drama banter (it should be noted, however, that the two of them spend a good portion of the episode even further in the background than normal).

At the party Ari wants to show off his big cock, I mean, bank account by bidding on all the silent auction prizes. Mrs. Ari tries to disapprove but really, she loves that she's married to such an asshole.

Drama continues to bait Eric by asking him if he can go after Tori. Why do I have a feeling poor Kevin Dillon had a similar conversation with his brother Matt 20 years ago re: Diane Lane? Eric is having trouble telling Drama that he doesn't care if he goes after Tori, but finally relents. Look, Eric, I know that Tori scouted out the Hotness Minor Leagues by letting you in on the 3way with Sloane, but I doubt she's ready to hit up the local Hotness Little League to call up Drama. You're in no danger. To further prove my point, Tori comes over and asks Eric if she can talk to him. It's weird because she's done a complete about face with Eric, now shying away from the "stalker" allegations and hitting on him. As a matter of fact, even though she's leaving tomorrow, she'd love to have a no rules threesome with him and Sloane before she goes. Basically she just put Eric's head into her HOOTENANNY. Talk about blue balls.

Vince is currently fulfilling his promise of being auctioned off for charity (how does it feel to be Zach Braff's replacement? Ouch. If you need to cry, I've got some Dixie Cups you can use to catch your tears, Vince). I kind of wanted this scene to go another way. I thought that since this is probably a very high power Hollywood event (Sloane's dad is the second most evil man in all of Entourage-dom, after all), I was hoping that the bidding would go a lot less successfully, since Vince is no longer in favor with much of the town. Alas, the old biddies are emptying their pocket books for a chance to get some Aquadick. Vince of course plays his role perfectly charming all the old money in the room, but what he really wants is the flirty waitress. Point Pleasant alert!

My favorite scene of the episode is this next one where Mrs. Ari shows Melinda Clarke her new ring. In true Julie Cooper fashion, Melinda is coveting the huge rock. Ugh. I'm going to totally miss you JuJu when The O.C. is cancelled by this winter. Tear. Mrs. Ari, concerned that the new rock will cause speculation as to the healthy state of the Golds' gold tells Melinda that the rock is a CZ (Cubic Zirconium - it took me a minute too). Melinda quickly drops Mrs. Ari's tainted hand faster than she can get rid of Pony with Alopecia. Mrs. Ari of course takes out her frustration of having to lie, on her husband. But Mrs. Ari has gotten it all wrong. They aren't newly rich, just because of Terrence's money; they just can't mention anything about the new office space. But it's too late. JuJu has already told everyone at the Cohen's about Mrs. Ari's CZ.

Vince is close to sealing the deal with Point Pleasant when he spots Eric stumbling around in an erection fueled haze, and goes to check on his boy. Eric is having a former altar boy panic attack, and needs to get out of their immediately. He's a good Catholic boy, but he just wants to take Tori in the closet and do very un-Christian things to her. He can't even look at Sloane, because the guilt of his impure thoughts is written all over his face.

In other bad, bad news, Andrew Davies DID in fact spot Ari, whose suspicious behavior earlier led Mr. Davies to start snooping and figure out that Ari is setting up to make a huge move on Terrence's talnet agency turf. Davies wants a partnership, corner office and a million dollar a year salary guaranteed or he's going to lay Ari's shit bare to Terrence. Ari is pissed, but I reckon he sees a little of his younger self in the soulless, cocksucker that is Andrew Davies. Knowing when he's backed into a corner, Ari agrees to the terms.

Eric's closet-bang idea got the wheels in Vince's head turning however. When the winner of Vince Chase's Ass for a night is announced he is in the coat closet showing Point Pleasant everything that the wicked old lady who won him is going to get. And more.

Eric is sleeping at Sloane's apartment when she walks in and tells him that Tori is going to be sleeping on the couch. Maybe if Eric hadn't blown his wad at the charity event, he'd have the opportunity to blow it now for Sloane and Tori. But NOOOOO. Now everyone is just going to have a very PG-rated sleepover. A little while later, Eric is in the position that got him into trouble in the first place: Crouching Snuggle. This time it's with Sloane, so in theory, it's okay. However, little Frodo seems to be awake, even though Sloane is not. He creeps into the living room, just as Tori is packing up to leave for the airport.

Things get a little uncomfortable, until Eric finally blurts out: "Am I crazy or do we both want this?" I'm taking the leap of faith that someone like Tori would want someone like Eric, but again, Tori is the bigger man. Her response to Eric: "Does it matter?" Before she is a sex nut, she is a friend. And she could never do that to Sloane. For the umpteenth time this episode someone is telling Eric to go back to his nice, sweet, safe girlfriend. So you know they are just totally doomed.

So is this the end of Tori? Will Eric be able to get it up for Sloane without an assist from Tori? And what about Vince's stalled career? What's next for him?

Posted by Umnata at 2:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Following Tuesday's dramatic, sensational installment of Big Brother, we all knew it would be hard to follow up with tonight's live eviction show. There was just no way to top George's surprise veto win, Jase's sudden meltdown, and Will's venomous speech (not to mention George's own heartfelt address). But hey, not every show can be pure reality gold, and tonight's live eviction proved to be predictable yet entertaining. Plus, the Chenbot was all spruced up and ready to go with nary a flub in sight. She even managed a few funny one-liners in the process. And honestly, isn't that all we need from the Thursday night show?

Tonight's episode began with the Chenbot standing loud and proud in her purple top and black pants. She seemed to have some sort of sheer garment wrapped around her arms, perhaps to guard against any errant temperature drops that could freeze up her gears and fan belts. Random aside: why do people who layer always talk like they've had the most important revelation of the year? "If it gets warm, I'LL JUST TAKE THIS OFF!" Well, congratulations! That never occurred to anybody before!

Anyway, with her Chelmet in tip-top shape, Julie strutted over to her couch where she let out the first "But First" of the evening. It seemed like we were in store for a classic Chenbot evening, especially after Julie suffered a minor flub when she tried to say "Originally bitter" but instead said "Originally [pause] BBBitter." It kind of sounded like she was spitting out a pumpkin seed and saying "bitter" at the same time. Classic Chen.

We then relived Will's wonderful, wonderful veto ceremony speech, which was awesome, but here's something I'm sure most people didn't know. After Will was done, Jase then addressed the household. "Dr. Will, your speech has me a little concerned," he said. "There's something that you said that I was actually going to address as well. I don't want everyone to vote out Dr. Will because I don't like anyone here either." Dude, don't even try to steal Dr. Will's thunder. Come up with your own brash, brilliant speech. You can't just say, "Oh, what he said." Of course, this is Jase, a man who hasn't always been the bastion of originality. Nevertheless, he then told the houseguests that he wouldn't be sending them Christmas cards after he left the house. The implication here was that anyone actually cared to get a Christmas card from Jase. Besides, you know Jase's Christmas card is probably just an image of him shirtless with baby girl Caleigh and her mom standing in the distance (the inscription inside is probably something along the lines of "Happy Holidays. From, my right pec."

Jase then told the house, "This game really isn't my game. I was really meant to be cast for Survivor." Apparently he was hoping to get into the upcoming season, Survivor: Douchebag: Islands of Mandanas.

Finally, Jase concluded "It's not my genre," except he pronounced it "Gen-err-ah." Why? I don't know. Maybe he accidentally flat-ironed the part of his brain that controls proper pronunciation. Or maybe he's just a dumbass. You know, it's too bad that Jase had to turn back into such a tool the past two episodes. I had been really impressed with him this season. Then again, I should have known better than to think favorably of a man who still flat-irons his hair. Not even Seacrest and Clay Aiken flat-iron anymore. Seriously, I think the only guys left who do that are Jase and Johnny Rzeznik. Oh, and Steven Cojocaru. As you can see, a distinguished group!

Later, Will retreated into an empty room with Boogie and told him to wrangle up some votes for him. Yes, after making that whole announcement about wanting to go home, it turned out that Will really wanted to stay (shocker, I know). His whole strategy was to convince everyone that he wanted to go home so that he wouldn't be perceived as a threat. The only one who was in on this was Boogie, who commented, "He is going to stay and fight with me like a Chill Town warrior!" Technically, isn't being a warrior contradictory to the entire idea of being "chill"? And furthermore, just how does a Chill Town Warrior fight? Does he disarm his opponents with blindingly white skin? Or does he strangle them with a twisted headband around the neck? Inquiring minds want to know! Okay, just kidding Boogie. We don't give a shit about what you have to say.

Jase then appeared on screen again, this time to play the old "I miss Caleigh!" card again. He said he wanted to win for "his girls back at home" (and by "girls," he meant "flat irons"), but then he said that he wanted to go home for the same reason. He then cornered George outside and asked if he had his vote. Chicken George replied by sticking each finger in his mouth (his own, not Jase's. Ew!) and licking it clean. It was pretty gross, especially thanks to the CBS-supplied sound effects. It then became worse when we all realized he was lickin' his fingers clean of Big Brother slop. This all supports my theory: Chicken George is a homeless man. Seriously, think about it.

Well, George had some pretty logical advice for Jase: "Cool down. Maybe go take a nap." He then added, "Maybe wrap yourself in tin foil and walk around. Gosh, that's a whole lot of fun!" Okay, he didn't say that, but he did note in the diary room that he should align with Jase because they're from the same state. WELL. That automatically means you two are essentially blood brothers. By all means, align away!

Meanwhile, up in the HOH bathroom, a bikini-clad Erika and Janelle slipped into a bubble bath and commenced what looked to be the opening credits to the latest Playboy fantasy video. The fun times came to an abrupt halt, however, when Mike Boogie came from out of nowhere and joined the ladies. It was like watching a Muppet wander into a porno -- it's just not right.

"Last night, the heavens parted, the moon was aligned, and I wound up in a hot tub with Erika and Janelle," Boogie told us. In similar news, last night, Erika and Janelle vomited for the rest of the evening.

In the tub, Boogie noted how being with these two hot chicks would instantly boost his rep. "Great for my street credit," he said. But you know what's bad for you street credit? Saying street CREDIT.

Well, with the captive audience of these two women, Boogie tried some ham-fisted strategizing, asking, "Don't you think you'd rather have Will here, who doesn't give a shit, rather than Jase who wants to crucify you guys?" Smooth. Very smooth. Way to really work that into the conversation organically. A golden headband for you!

Downstairs, Marcellas and Jase talked about the whole blowup from Tuesday's show. Marcellas said that Jase was making a choice -- and a poor one at that -- to behave badly, but Jase merely countered by saying, "I got backdoored. And that kills me." He then added, "But enough about my love life." RIMSHOT! Tips in the jar. Try the veal...

Still, Marcellas tried to talk some sense into Jase, saying, "You think you're kicking it up a notch, but you're completely off on how people are viewing you!" (And yes, Marcellas was totally right on this). Jase merely rolled his eyes at the accusation.

"Don't try to push this off on me like whatever," he said. Yeah, stop blaming Jase for his actions. What's he supposed to do? Take responsibility for his actions? Psssh. Whatevs, Marcellas!

Well, Jase had quite the uphill battle to fight, but he felt like he might be able to work some wonders. He claimed that he had Danielle, Diane, and Chicken George's votes, which meant he needed only two more to stay in the house. Unfortunately, those two more would have to come from season six. Granted, he probably could have curried the favor of Erika and Marcellas, but oops! That whole tantrum on Tuesday kind of shot him in the foot. Way to play the game, Jasey-poo.

With few options in front of him, Jase went upstairs and struck a deal with the season sixers. If he were to stay, Jase promised not to go after the BB6ers until after sequester, and in turn, they would do the same. Plus, if Jase were to win HOH this week, he would nominate a floater. Why the BB6ers wanted him to put up a floater rather than Will or Mike is beyond me. I mean, what better way to force Jase out of Chill Town? Random aside: with all this talk about floaters, why isn't anyone targeting Mike? The guy is the classic definition of floater. All he does is ride Will's coattails. So you see, even with their dumb logic, the season six alliance still can't execute their Anti-Floater mandate without messing up.

Anyway, Jase shook hands with the season six alliance, which was amusing because we totally knew neither party would ever keep its word. Feeling proud that he'd made some headway in his mission to stay in the house, Jase then proudly told Danielle about his new deal, but one small problem: she no likey the deal. I don't know why really, but all we knew was that she was pissed and Jase was in no position to be pissing off another potential vote.

We then returned to the live show as Julie checked in with the house guests. There was some general babbling about the newly bald Kaysar (yes, Marcellas is still wanting to jump his bones), and then Julie asked Chicken George about his all slop, all the time diet. It was hard to hear what he had to say, mostly because I was massively distracted by the dumb afro wig he was sporting as well as the fake handlebar mustache and the shirt that said "Mr. Fart." Yes. "Mr. Fart." That Chicken George. He is one hilarious fella! You know, he built up all this good will from me on Tuesday, and just like that, it's all gone.

Somebody call Carrot Top!

Anyway, George did not refrain from telling Julie about eating all that slop. "I got a serious case of gas, Julie. It's really bad," he said. Hence, Mr. Fart.

"I've solved the energy crisis here," George then added. Ah, Big Brother. Come for the scheming. Stay for the massively disturbing imagery.

Well, Julie did her robo-laugh and commented, "That explains the writing on your shirt!" Oooh! She figured it out! Chenbot 1, Silly T-Shirt 0.

The Chenbot then decided to show the house guests some of Mike's late night sleep talking. "The Boogie Man also comes out at night," she said, clearly proud of her new Adobe Pun-Shop software bundle -- only for the most dedicated of robotic punsters. Everyone then watched the footage, and Julie asked, "Mike, what are you actually saying?" How should he know? He was ASLEEP. If he knew what he was saying when he was sleep-talking, wouldn't that be just, you know, talking?

Anyway, Julie then wrapped up this segment, executing another flawless "But first" in the process (this one had that nice, inquisitive lilt to it as opposed to the usual foreboding tonality). Before going to commercial, we saw some of the house guests pondering who to evict. Kaysar told us that in regards to Dr. Will, "I can keep up with Will's game. I understand Will's game. I can beat Will's game." And let's be honest: the best way to beat Dr. Will is to not nominate him or even vote for him, thus ensuring his further stay in the household. That's what I call taking out a threat! Well done, Kaysar! Well done indeed!

After the commercial break, we returned to find the Chenbot standing at the random stone wall that is so oddly placed in her Chen-Studio. She began talking about Chicken George, saying euphemistically, "This father of three is one of the most original personalities to ever play the game." Translation: seriously, this guy is completely ridiculous.

We then were treated to a segment on all the splendors of George -- one of which being his ability to wear a thong on his head. I sure hope those skivvies were later burned. I'd hate for some poor woman to have essence of Chicken George in her taint.

That was wrong, and I apologize.

Two hours later, George got a yeast infection on his forehead.

Anyway, we got to see a picture of George's family -- his very, very short family -- and then he told us that he was a small business owner with his wife. However, to play in Big Brother: All-Stars he had to quit his job. How do you own a business and have to quit at the same time? Did he fear that his wife would fire him? Nevertheless, he commented, "I'm getting a chance to chase my dream. How many people in their lives ever, ever get that chance?" Yes, not many people get the chance to wrap themselves in tin foil, stick a thong on their head, dump themselves in a vat of blueberry juice, eat nasty-ass slop for sixty days, and wear a shirt that says "Mr. Fart" -- all the while being confined in a house. But enough about Martha Stewart. RIMSHOT AGAIN! Oh, I'm on fire tonight! Those two year old Martha Stewart house arrest jokes are gold! They're gold!

Later, James told George that he was all wrong about him. He thought the Chicken Man was merely there to coast on by, but now he saw that he was there to play. Even Kaysar couldn't resist showering the guy with praise. "You know why I'm bald? Because I want to see what this chicken is all about right here," he said. Funny, I thought the reason why Kaysar was bald was because he blatantly lost a competition.

The segment finally ended, and Julie began talking with James in the HOH room. He said that he didn't want to nominate Jase, but since the Mandana'd One announced that he was coming after Danielle and Janelle, he felt a need to protect them. Luckily, the Chenbot's logic algorithms were in full force, and she deduced that James had actually broken his word. The HOH merely shrugged it off with a sheepish smile and said, "You know how Big Brother is." The Chenbot then let out an ample laugh followed by a quiet and knowing, "Yeah...." Nice Chenpathy!

Julie managed to get some more info out of James -- he called George "incredible" and said he was more loyal to the BB6ers and Danielle than to Chill Town -- and then it was off to listen to more people in the diary room. Howie said he wasn't scared of Will and felt confident going head to head with him. That was nice and all, but this wasn't about pride. It was about winning half a million dollars. These BB6ers had to stop talking about "game" and simply take care of business, ie. voting Will out.

After the commercial break (which featured a promo for Amazing Race, but no new footage of the teams), we then watched a bit about Dr. Will. We flashed back to five years ago when he first schemed his way to riches on Big Brother 2. Back then, he was less Botoxed, pale, and rubbery. Plus, he had a relationship with fellow castmate Shannon, a woman who never saw a sun-ray she wasn't afraid to absorb into her face. I wouldn't be surprised if his current state of radioactive whiteness had to do with a gut reaction to Shannon's weathered, aged face.

Anyway, we learned that Shannon and Will continued to date outside of the Big Brother house, but whereas she was outgoing and outspoken, he was shy and retiring, wishing only to stay in his apartment and play videogames. Well, that is, when he wasn't giving himself liposuction. Yes, Dr. Will has given himself lipo. Between that and the Botox, I'm not totally convinced that he isn't just forty-five year old lady from Beverly Hills.

We then had another commercial break, and when we returned, it was time for the live eviction. BUT FIRST (I'm saying it, not her), Julie allowed each nominee to address the household. Jase started first by saying, "I'm not mad at anyone in this house because we're all collectively crazy. And crazy people make poor decisions -- like wearing a Mr. Fart t-shirt on national television." Or like wearing a dumb mandana and flat-ironing your stupid flower pot hair on national television too, but I digress. Jase continued with a shaky voice on the verge of tears, "I hate the way I'm leaving this house. It kills me inside. I can't even talk about that. I would just like Danielle and Diane to, uh, be the only ones to escort me to the door." I enjoyed the self-importance implied in this statement; the idea that EVERYONE would be rushing to escort him to the door. Besides, it's not like the act of walking someone to the door is imbued with great symbolism and meaning. In general, it's more a matter of practicality and good manners.

Nevertheless, it was then Will's time to speak. "Earlier this week, I addressed you guys and said that I hated you all, and I said that statement in haste," he said. "I regret saying it. I apologize. If I had thought more clearly, I would have said 'severely disliked' or 'strong distain for you all.'" Eh. It was funnier on Tuesday. Kind of like killing the joke now -- like a really bad sequel.

Dr. Will then gave a shout out to his medical practice and then it was time to reveal the answers. Oddly, the producers opted to go for a split screen image on the Chenbot's TV, despite the fact that Jase and Will were already sitting right next to each other. "Let's make it official," Julie said. "By a vote of nine to zero, Jase, you have been evicted." Ha. The Chenbot didn't even try to make it dramatic. She just out and out said it. Well, per his wishes, Jase hugged everyone, but only Diane and Danielle were lucky enough to walk him the two feet from the couches to the door. An honor equal to thirty Nobel Prizes, no doubt!

As Jase got his microphone all set up for his Chenterrogation, we then returned to the household, as usual, and listened in as everyone reacted to Jase's departure. Dr. Will tried to play up his "I wanna go home" schtick, but it seemed painfully forced, especially when he sighed, "Now I'm going to go push a buzzer and hope it says Alison? I mean, what has my life become?" You'd think he'd have been already asking these questions last summer when he was stuck playing Battle of the Network Reality Stars. As far as I'm concerned, he's already hit his nadir. Everything is great from here on out.

Back in the studio, Jase told Julie that it sucked to be backdoored so much (and no, he wasn't talking about naively volunteering to be a power bottom at Sodomy-fest 2006). "It's tough because... I'm a true player of the game," he said. Memo to Jase: a "true player of the game" wouldn't be sitting with Julie right now. What these people have to understand is that everyone in that house is "playing the game." Other players shouldn't be penalized because they don't want to make brash, stupid moves. Anyway, Jase brought up the whole Survivor thing again, saying he'd fare much better on that show for whatever reason. This caused Julie to joke, "No mirrors and flat irons on Survivor though, Jase." WHOA! Chenbot! Letting loose with a zinger! ChenZing!

Jase then joked that he was growing a beard, perfect for Survivor, causing Julie to say, "Yeah, you don't need the flat iron!" She then added, "Seriously, you don't need it. Your hair looks terrible." Okay, she didn't say that, but she did get a little chippy moments later when Jase expressed shock that James had deceived him. "Did you watch him on season six? This man is not to be trusted!" Julie said. I half expected her to then raise her fingers to her forehead and say, "LOSER!"

At this point, Jase attempted to explain his strategy, saying that with the season sixers, "I tried to glam onto them a little bit." I'm sure he meant "glom" not "glam" -- although, that would explain the random drag show he put on for Kaysar. Julie then asked him if he did in fact have a secret alliance with Diane, but he refused to give a straight answer, which meant there was nothing else to do but watch his goodbye videos. Again, Julie twisted the knife a little more by asking Jase, "Don't you want to see what your house mates said to you in the event that they ALL evicted you tonight?" She then added, "Which is exactly what happened. They each and every one of them voted you off. Unanimous. No one wanted you around. NO ONE."

Anyway, the videos started off with Boogie attempting some awful freestyle. "Love to eat corn on the kizzle. Straight homeboy for shizzle!" Make it stop! Make it stop! By the way, if you're going to add "izzle" to everything, that really doesn't count as good freestyle. That's like saying the same word over and over again and then claiming you're rhyming. Point is, Boogie continues to suck at everything he does.

The rest of the videos were fairly unremarkable. Marcellas told Jase that his alter ego was too over the top and created unnecessary drama. "From Marcellas!" Jase balked as if the accusation were totally bonkers (clearly he had forgotten about that giant hissy fit from just a few days ago). You know, for a few weeks, Jase had us convinced that he was possibly a changed man, but times likes these remind us that he's still the bitter, angry attention-whore we know and hate.

Once the videos were done, Jase told Julie he was hoping that he'd have another chance to go back into the house where he'd "rip it apart." And no, I don't think he was talking about anyone's assholes. And just how sure could the Chenbot be that Jase would wreak havoc on the guests? "It's Jase you're talking to, Julie. That's how I do it!" he said. Talking about himself in the third person? Always awesome.

After the interview, we were faced with "America's Vote." You know those wake up calls the show's been soliciting all week? Well, the producers want to use them the night before a big veto competition. But how often should they be used? Every three hours? One hour? Thirty minutes? Or fifteen minutes? The choice was ours. If fifteen minutes doesn't win, I'm calling major Chenanigans.

At long last, it was finally time for the HOH competition, which finally kicked off with the ceremonial announcement, "The power is up for grabs!" Julie alerted us that this event would kick off a week's worth of competitions where someone might be single-handedly responsible for another housemate's fate. Exciting! Anyway, this week's Head of Household game was called "Define and Dismiss." Gotta love those intense competitions that sound like a 5th grade educational video game.

Well, the way this worked was that Julie would ask a question pertaining to those words on the walls (love, loyalty, honesty, betrayal, deceit and hate), and the first person to buzz in correctly could pick a house guest to eliminate. Of course, if someone buzzed in and got the answer wrong, that person would be eliminated. I liked this challenge, and it seemed designed specifically to get season six out of power. I'm not saying that I necessarily wanted that -- I'm all about keeping Janey in longer (despite her muted personality this season).

Anyway, the game began and first to answer correctly was Marcellas, who promptly eliminated Boogie. Kaysar got the second question correct, and surely he would target Will, right? Not so much. He instead took out Diane. I guess it was smart since she probably wanted revenge for her nomination last week, but still, what happened to all that "I can beat Will" talk? Speaking of Will, he answered the next question correctly, and he kicked Howie and his lame faux-hawk out of the game. However, Will was soon out of the running too when he then answered the next question incorrectly.

Well, Erika cut George, Kaysar cut Erika, Janelle cut Danielle, and then it was down to Janelle, Marcellas, and Kaysar. Marcellas answered the next question correctly and then was faced with a Sophie's Choice dilemma: eliminate his new BFF, Janelle, or cut his gay fantasy, Kaysar. It was a hard choice, but ultimately, he dropped Kaysar. Hopefully he realized that another Kaysar HOH week would be detrimental to pretty much everyone in the house except Will and Boogie.

In the end, however, Janelle managed to edge out her buddy and win HOH for the second time this season. I was glad to see her in power yet again, but at the same time, part of me wanted a different alliance in power. I'm crossing my fingers that maybe this time, season six will FINALLY take care of the Chill Town dilemma. But that's what I thought last week. And the week before. Ugh. Who knows. The good news was that in a wonderful little homage to Janelle's win last season, James threw the HOH key into the grass à la Jen Vasquez. Laughter was had all around, but sadly, no second refrain of that most wonderful of catch phrases, "Bye Bye Bitches!"

And that was pretty much it. Julie talked with the house guests for about two seconds towards the end of the hour, but all we learned as that Will wanted to be nominated for eviction yet again. Let's hope his reverse psychology doesn't actually work. I'd like to think that Janelle is too smart for that, but if there's anything we know about Big Brother, it's that we should EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED. Project DNA: DO NOT ASSUME! After all, it's a SUMMER OF SECRETS!

What did you think about this episode? Did the house guests make the right decision?

Posted by at 11:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (42)

It's another wonderful week of Big Brother, and another great live episode with The Chenbot. B-side and I were there to bring you all of the action in our latest Live Blog. Click on the picture above to watch the archive.

Posted by at 6:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

America's Got Talent, 7/26/06, NBC

One word: stilts.

Posted by at 2:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

We love conspiracy theories here at TVgasm, and it looks like we've stumbled onto quite the juicy one. Here's a picture of Wh-Wh-Wh-Whitney from The Hills hanging out with her college roommates. Nothing too scandalous about that, but just who is that girl behind the pixelation? Answer after the jump...

Why, it's none other than Laguna Beach cast member Christina!

According to message boards (and those are always so reliable), Christina and Whitney are college roommates, which means that Whitney's presence on The Hills may not be as random as previously expected. Furthermore, all those scenes of her peppering LC with questions about Laguna seem highly suspicious now (or more suspicious, I should say). So were there some behind-the-scenes shenanigans going on with the casting? Maybe. Maybe not. Some rumors suggest that Christina never even went to college, instead hoping to pursue a career in acting (suppressing laughter -- memories of a certain Rent audition come to mind). Additionally, these photos don't necessarily prove that Whitney and Christina are roommates, and they might not have been snapped prior to the taping of The Hills. Still, something smells fishy, and we promise to get to the bottom of it (assuming we don't get lazy and do something else).

Thanks to TVgasm reader Mandy for sending us the photos...

Posted by at 1:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Like OMG! Was anyone else like totally crying at last night's episode of The Hills? Yeah, me neither, but that didn't mean I wasn't totally moved. Granted, I was moved to laughter, but hey, something's better than nothing. For those of you trying to grasp what the hell I'm talking about, on this week's adventures of LC, Heidi, and their assorted sidekicks, a Very Sad Thing happened. One of the seminal relationships of the show -- perhaps the backbone of all MTV -- came to a crushing, heartbreaking, and hilarious end. Oh, it was RICH! But I won't spill the beans about what went down here. That's after the jump...

This week's episode began with the convergence of America's' two finest minds: Audrina and Heidi. The ladies took a seat at the ever-so-swanky Café Tartine and promptly began gabbing about the exhaustive gasbag that is Jordan. He had been bitching more than usual, which was driving poor Heidi crazy. When Audrina asked how long they had been together, Heid merely shrugged and said, "Seven or eight months." Kind of a drastic change from just a few episodes ago when she was fixating on her six month anniversary. Looks like somebody may have rid herself of the love bug.

Well, Audrina was absolutely shocked to hear that there were troubles in paradise, saying, "You guys seem like the perfect couple." Huh? What? I guess they looked like perfect couple... to an IDIOT. Nevertheless, Heidi explained that there had been a lot of bickering lately, causing Audrina to then comment, "See, I have different boy problems." Translation: let's talk about ME.

Heidi then gave us a detailed account of what the typical argument was like. Basically, Jordan would start snipping, and Heidi would have to say, "Jordan!" I know: intense. Audrina was horrified by this ghastly exchange. "Oh my god!" she said, as if she couldn't even BELIEVE that Heidi would be so bold as to say Jordan's name. What's next? Heidi would have to say something like "Ugh!"?

We then saw the opening credits, followed by the so-cute-it-hurts episode title, "Love Is Not A Maybe Thing." I thought for sure we'd be treated to some silly antics of the girls shopping or loafing around or whatever, but no, we got right into the drama within seconds. Audrina was chillin' out on her bed, acting as if there weren't a whole MTV camera crew lingering in her kitchen, when suddenly there was a knock at her door. Who could it be? Dan the model? Brad the model? Someone else with a monosyllabic name who happened to be a model? Nope. It was Heidi, and as luck would have it, she was right in the middle of an argument with Jordan on her cell phone.

"Do not cuss at me, Jordan! Don't do that!" Heidi reprimanded through clenched teeth. She kind of sounded liek she were scolding a kindergartner, but then again, given Jordan's mental functions, that wouldn't be too far from the truth.

Well, this phone spat didn't last much longer, and soon Heidi devolved into a sad sack of tears, bawling, "He cusses at me all the time. I don't know what to do!!!" Question: what was up with Heidi using the word "cuss" so much? Did she just return from the Gone With The Wind convention? I half expected her to say, "Why, I reckon that cussing has left me parched. I say, does Mr. Winthrope have any of those mint juleps that I fancy so?"

Nevertheless, Heidi was a total mess, crying all over the place. Apparently the cause of this evening's fight had to do with some sort of logistical problem: Heidi was with a trainer and couldn't pick up Jordan from wherever he was. Hence, he was pissed. Look woman, a man cannot expect to loiter around Niketown all afternoon long!

The good news was that Heidi at least had some sense of self-worth (unlike certain other cast members whose name sounds an awful lot like "Elsie"). She said that Jordan simply could not talk to her like that, prompting Audrina to suggest a possible break from the relationship. At this point, I assumed I knew exactly how this episode would go. Heidi would dump Jordan's ass before the first commercial break, the next segment would be spent with them both miserable, and then the last act would show their inevitable reconciliation. Or so I thought.

The scene ended with Heidi bemoaning her less-than-royal treatment. "Every girl deserves to be treated like a princess!" she insisted, adding, "Or is it, 'Every girl deserves to act like a princess?' Oh, I don't remember. I'll do both!"

"I'm vacant!"

Meanwhile, over at Teen Vogue, LC bestowed a compliment on her fellow co-worker, Wh-Wh-Wh-Whitney. "You look so ladylike today!" she said, surely causing fireworks to go off in Whitney's head. You could practically hear her bubbling, "The girl from Laguna Beach thinks I look cool!"

Of course, Whitney can never go more than twelve seconds without probing LC about her personal life, and once again, in an audio snippet that was clearly added in post production, Whit asked, "Wait! How was your birthday?" She then added, "TELL ME. BRING ME INTO YOUR WORLD!" Okay, she didn't say that, but it was fairly peculiar that she'd ask this question. After all, LC's birthday is on February 1st, whereas the rest of this episode took place in late Spring with Summer just around the corner. Either the producers were engaging in some shifty editing again, or Whitney was just really, really lazy about following up on things. I can just imagine her in May asking, "So tell me about your Christmas!"

Nevertheless, LC happily relived her birthday, saying how Jason got them a room in the Downtown Standard and how they ate dinner and then sat on the bed and stared at things n' stuff. Needless to say, Whitney was completely blown away. "I'm impressed with guys like that because those guys are so young, but they know what to do." I take it by "they know what to do," Whitney meant "they treat you like shit all day but then make up for it with some superficial, grandiose gestures that never really address the real problems."

Meanwhile, back at the Hillside Villas (or as they're called in real life, Park La Brea), Heidi and Jordan were having A Talk. She may be a spoiled brat and the quintessential airhead, but to Heidi's credit, she explained her issues with Jordan in a clear and concise and rather open way, saying that he'd been snapping at her way too often. She wanted him to stop going off on her and adjust the tone in which he spoke to her. Jordan's open-minded response:

"No! No!"

That's right. He refused to stop snapping at her, which I guess would explain why he then, um, snapped at her.

"Okay, but I'm not going to do that because that's not who I am!" Jordan balked. Yes, the classic reality star defense: that's just who I am! Can't change God's work! So basically, Jordan was gonna treat Heidi like shit because hey, you don't mess with perfection, am I right, ladies? Even more laughably, Jordan put a unique spin on his various tantrums. He wasn't bickering or snapping. He was merely getting "passionate." You see, when he called Heidi and demanded that she pick him up, he was just very passionate about getting a ride. I mean, having her pick him up is what his life's ALL ABOUT. Can't you feel the PASSION???

Passion?

PASSION!

Jordan then accused Heidi of acting like a princess (which was not totally untrue), and her response was the sort of response feminists absolutely love: "I'm a girl. I SHOULD be a princess!" Gloria Steinem, eat your heart out!

Well, as you can imagine, this whole "talk" really didn't accomplish much; so Jordan left to go play basketball, saying he'd see Heidi later. Or would he? Heidi gave him the big Negatory, and as he walked out of the apartment, she even locked the door behind him. OUCH! Bitch means business! As we went to commercial, we saw as Heidi then called her little dog / oversized rat Bella to join her in her bedroom, but the tiny beast wouldn't follow, confusion covering her face. Looks like somebody was caught in the middle of a divorce! This was so turning into the dumbass version of Kramer vs. Kramer. However, I'd rename it Princess vs. Douche.

After the break, we then found LC and Jason dining at Mani's Bakery, located conveniently across the street from PARK LA BREA. Dammit, people. The evidence is too damning! They don't live in The Hills! They live on 3rd Street! Anyway, I've eaten at Mani's on several occasions, and each time, some crazy bum always walked by with quite possibly the loudest variety of bum-rants. One guy even got on a pay phone and began yelling into it -- never mind that he never actually put any money in. I seem to remember him demanding that he speak to a doctor or lawyer, almost as if he were dealing with some idiotic receptionist, but of course he wasn't, on account of that "not paying for the pay phone" thing. It sounds funny now, but when you take into consideration that that phone was right behind me, it was far from amusing. Nevertheless, this is my long way of saying I'm shocked that no homeless person ran up to Jason and LC and yelled gibberish in their faces.

Of course, who needs gibberish from a bum when you've got Jason? He marveled at LC's ancient status, saying, "I can't believe you're twenty." To be fair, Jason can't believe a lot of things: balloons, rock candy, waterfalls.

J-Wahl then asked Lauren if she liked what they did on her birthday, and she replied with a distant "Yeah..." Well THAT was convincing! LC then noted that her parents really wanted to take her and Jason out to dinner, causing him to say... nothing. Yes, Jason merely stared blankly at LC as if she were talking like Charlie Brown's teacher. I guess his whole "I can't believe you're twenty" comment really used up all his brainpower of the day.

"Huh? I don't get it. What does 'parents' mean?"

Actually, Jason did resume his speech patterns, telling Lauren that he wanted to get a house by the beach "so bad" this summer. Yeah, how about you get A JOB first? I know it sounds crazy, but usually, when you're only nineteen and you're not working and not in college, home ownership is not always the first move. But then again, when you're as loaded as J-Wahl, a beach house is never out of the question, and let's face it. He really needs a space to unwind in after all these stressful weeks of hanging out.

Meanwhile, over in Pan Pacific Park (also located across from Park La Brea), Brian and Jordan were walking around, using their five collective brain cells to form sentences and such. Jordan vented about the whole Heidi situation, saying, "If I raise my voice like this, she thinks I'm being attacking her." Keep in mind that when Jordan demonstrated his raised voice, it was hardly raised at all. And also keep in mind that "I'm being attacking her" was not a typo on my part. I done good in my edumacation.

Well, this all led Brian to weigh in with possibly the most insightful advice of the season as he (in a singsongy voice) commented, "Yeah, whenever girls get mad at something, it's usually something else that they're really mad at. They just don't want to tell you." So true, Brian. So true. Except in this case, Heidi pretty much laid it all out on the table; so I guess so much for that theory.

Luckily, Brian The Love Doctor had the perfect remedy for this situation. He told Jordan to show up at Heidi's work in a suit and tie, bring flowers, and beg to go out to dinner. Of course, this wouldn't necessarily fix any of the problems, but it was the sort of thing that we all knew Heidi would absolutely love. Clearly Jordan would do it, right? Nah. He didn't want to. Why should HE be bothered with making things better? What sort of relationship requires someone to express their love? Psssh...

Later, LC and Heidi had dinner together and talked about the whole situation. It was clear that things were going south between the lovebirds, causing Lauren to say, "You know that whatever you do that me and Jason are gonna be there. You know that." Well, at least LC will be. Jason will probably be staring at mobiles.

To be honest, it sounded like Lauren was actually subtly encouraging a breakup as she said things like "Love is not a maybe thing" (hence the episode title). She then noted that while Heidi may love Jordan, she needed to be absolutely IN love with him too. And was she? Heidi reluctantly shook her head and said no. OH DAMN! If ever there was a time for a harrowing yet distant stare from LC, this was it!

We then went to commercial, and when we returned, it was raining in Los Angeles. Like OMG! This was gonna be the saddest day ever! Major :-( to that! We then went inside LC and Heidi's apartment where boxes of junk littered the living room. Turns out Heidi had packed up all of Jordan's stuff (and he had a lot), and now it was time for the big breakup. As for LC, she happily sat in the living room, clearly waiting to watch all the shit go down. Heidi, meanwhile, complained to her mom about the Jordan situation, but their talk was short-lived as the man of the hour soon showed up, his orange hair poofier than ever. The two sat on her bed, lips quietly quivering as they realized their magical union might just be coming to an end. It would have been a halfway tender moment had the dumb dog not spent the whole scene jumping around hyperactively, practically humping Jordan's arms in the process.

This really takes "supplicant" to new levels.

Anyway, as you can imagine from such a scenario, hilarity soon ensued. Jordan totally broke down, crying like a blubbering mess on camera. This made Heidi bawl too, which was amusing, but let's face it, this was all about Jordan's crocodile tears. He said he knew he had messed things up, and she said she just didn't think they were compatible together. More tears followed (and laughter in the TVgasm offices), and then Jordan sobbed that he just couldn't imagine his life without her. Translation: "I won't get into clubs! I won't be on TV! What will I do????"

Eventually, the emotion was just too much, and Jordan bowed his head down, nestling it in Bella's backside (a maneuver he clearly perfected with Brian and Jason). I couldn't be positive, but I was pretty sure he was actually wiping his nose on the dog. Gross!

"Heidi, I can't live without you. Like, I will do whatever it takes," he pleaded, but in a move of impressive strength, Heidi denied him. Not only that, SHE GAVE HIM HIS KEY BACK. Awww shit! It was OVER! Gotta respect the Little Princess. She did what was right and wasn't swayed by last minute pleas and tears. Ultimately, Jordan realized his meal-ticket was no longer and sorrowfully left the apartment. And yes, LC was still just chillin' on the couch. Heidi poked her head out the front door and dramatically said, "Goodbye Jordan," and down at her ankles, little Bella pawed away, trying to get at her daddy. It was so poetic! And laugh-out-loud awesome.

"Bitch, get outta my way!"

"Let's pose like we're the poster art for a French film about lesbians."

Well, the girls then cradled each other, and soon enough, we saw images of the gray sky, an errant blackbird flying across. If you thought this was the end of the episode though, you were wrong. There was more! We then headed over to Jordan's apartment where he managed to return without slipping on the front stoop. He told his assembled boyz (Brian, Jason) about the breakup, and everyone was SHOCKED. Shocked I tell you!

"It seems so out of nowhere," Brian mused. Yes. Out of nowhere. Unless, of course, you've been paying the slightest attention to these two over the past eight months.

"I'm just literally in shock," Brian then said. Poor guy. Somebody get him a cold compress and a juice box. The shock is too much! He needs fluids, dammit!

Jason then chimed in and said that all the times that he and Lauren would go back and forth, they'd always defer to Heidi and Jordan -- or Hordan -- for strength and advice. Yeah, I'm sure that made Jordan feel much better. The crappy couple outlasted them. THANKS.

Jordan then noted, "It seemed so picture perfect. Like, on the outside, people were always like 'Oh my God. They're completely in love all the time.'" Uh... not really. I'm pretty sure everyone in America saw doom. And by the way, I love how Jordan was so proud of his relationship's appearance. They looked perfect -- and honestly, that's all that matters!

We then headed back to Teen Vogue, and we just knew that Whitney would lap up all this drama. With wide eyes and a slack jaw, she received the news just like everyone else: with total and complete shock. Like OMG! How could they even break up???? Consider Whitney's brain officially exploded.

Later, LC told Whit about how she might possibly live with Jason in Malibu for the summer. But what about Heidi? What will she do in the apartment all alone? Clearly Whitney was angling for a move-in. She sooo wanted to be central in the group. It's never going to happen! Or could I be wrong? (Look for a very interesting Whitney post on TVgasm later...)

We then headed to Quixote Studios where Audrina and Heidi talked about all the drama. Would I be blowing your mind if I said that the ever vacant Audrina was absolutely SHOCKED that there was a breakup? Yes, just like everyone else, she absolutely could not believe that this rock, this foundation of the group was no longer. But whatevs! Now they could like totally go out together and have a good time! Yay! And with that, the two girls began excitedly planning their night, thus taking the first steps toward a mended heart.

Suddenly, we saw random footage of a red carpet, followed by more footage of famed hot dog stand, Pink's. What this had to do with anything was beyond me, but apparently the show was now over because the credits were rolling. Uh okay. Sadly, this turned out to be the penultimate episode of the summer as next week is the season finale. Like OMG! I hate goodbyes!

What did you think? Did Heidi do the right thing?

Posted by at 11:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (47)

Wednesday means two things at the copygodd household: bath night and the elimination episode of Rock Star: Supernova. Forty-two minutes of broken dreams, shattered eardrums and swinging hatchets, courtesy of silicone knockers, some wannabe rockers and the one and only Hatchet Man. And that's just the bath!

Wanna learn how Zayra took the news of her impending doom? Then join hands and repeat after me: Mekka Lekka Hi-Mekka Hiney Ho...

Speaking of hiney hos, it's Brooke! Tonight, she says the rockers are dreaming of fame, fortune and a whole lot of groupies. Or, in Dana's case, a baby unicorn. "But," Brooke continues, "before tonight is over, another rocker is going home. And it's anyone's guess who it's going to be." Anyone's guess? What's Brooke smoking, umbrellas? Because there is no way Zayra is staying after last night's debacle. With exports like her, it's no wonder we won't let Puerto Rico become a state.

Brooke says if the bright lights, wild crowd and tattoos didn't give it away, this is Rock Star: Supernova. And here I was wondering what those opening graphics and theme song meant. Last night was another amazing night of performances, and drew the show's biggest voting numbers yet. Up an amazing 15%! Personally, I think the numbers are getting higher every week because Zayra is sucking more every week (and let's not forget Double L's campaigning, but that's just me. Guess we won't know till she's voted off, which should be happening any beer now.

And with that, it's time to reintroduce the band: Gilby Clarke, Jason Newsted and the man rumored to have the biggest hatchet in all of Hollywood, Liam Neeson. Actually, it's Tommy Lee. But seeing Liam Neeson pounding the skins with Supernova would totally rule!

For the second night in a row, Brooke does not call TheDave her "good friend." Tonight, he's just "a guy who knows a thing or two about jets and world tours." Poor TheDave. Brooke's taking his divorce pretty hard.

Before we get to the hatcheting, though, we have to sit through a recap of last night's episode. Thanks TV. There's another four minutes of my life I'll never get back.

Asked if there's anything they'd like to add about last night's show, T-Bag tells Storm she gets an A+ on her stage dive. He then asks if that was her first time. "No," she coos, "but I can make it look like it was." What, is she going to leave a spot of blood on the stage? (Ooh, cheap hymen humor.)

Next, TheDave tells Patrice it wasn't just her ovaries he was busting last night: he was busting everyone's. It's really important for them to change it up from week to week, and he just wanted to make sure she - and the rest of the rockers - understands that. Patrice says no sweatage. She's a huge fan of TheDave, having seen him with Jane's Addiction, with the Chili Peppers and with Panic Channel. Now I know she's totally blowing smoke up TheDave's rear end. Because nobody's seen him with Panic Channel. Still, TheDave seems to buy it and calls a truce.

Zayra is next on the Budweiser Hot Seat. First question: where does one get an outfit like she wore last night? (Is it any wonder TheDave is the one asking?) Zayra says she got it out of TheDave's wardrobe. Touché, Zayra, touché. No wonder it looked so familiar.

Gilby says she's so entertaining, but he wants to know when the pop show stops and the rock and roll show starts. Zayra says that rock and roll is anything you want it to be. And if she's that different, she thinks it might be a good thing. Not to poke holes in Zayra's logic, but rock and roll isn't anything you want it to be. I know. It's only rock and roll. And I like it. Zayra says she'll take Gilby's advice, and next week she's going to show him the rock. It's just too bad she won't be here next week...

Jason has a question for Phil. Namely, what should the band do with him? Phil says they should let him hang out a little longer, and he'll show them what he can do. Starting with his patented pirate impersonation. Evidently, it's a huge hit at the local Chuck E. Cheese. Phil says he gets frustrated every week when it's time for song selection and he sees that two-thirds of the songs aren't very heavy. TheDave points out that last night both Dilana and Dana had girly-girl songs, and they both showed more testicular fortitude than Phil did. That's okay though, Phil. Judging by the pubes on your chin, your nuts should finally drop any day now.

Next, Brooke gives us a glimpse of what transpired at the mansion after last night's show, starting with Jill. She was really upset that Gilby was upset about "the humping." She thinks that Gilby's just used to being on stage with Axl, and having a woman up there is a totally different dynamic. I don't know about that. Axl did get his ass kicked by Tommy Hilfiger a few weeks back. Sounds like he has a vag to me.

Jill goes on: "You're in a moment, what, you're going to stop and think, 'should I do this or not?' " Yeah, you wanna take this one, Britney? Jill says she's comfortable up on stage, and she's not taking any of it back. Although she did tell Gilby to send her the bill for having her DNA removed from his pants.

Meanwhile, Dana was feeling pretty good about her performance. She tells the other contestants they don't even have to be speaking directly to her and she's still learning from them. Because that's how D-Grease rolls. Ryan doesn't roll that way, though, and tells her that she still has a lot of catching up to do, because she's not nearly where she should be at 23 years of age.

Dilana, however, believes Dana can be a rock chick. She just doesn't know if she can accomplish it in the next two months. Dilana says she has yet to see Dana look rock enough. Not true, counters Dana. In fact, she's worn combat boots, she's worn a denim skirt, she's even worn hi-rise bikini briefs instead of her typical flannel granny panties. And from this moment on, she's out of student-mode. She's going to do whatever she wants to do. And the first thing she wants to do is Dilana's hair! Yay, slumber party time! Actually, she says she wants to do something else, but I'm so distracted by the idea of her doing Dilana's hair that I miss it. Oh well.

Brooke asks the band what they think of the footage they just saw. Gilby tells Jill that she's just too defensive, and they're worried that she's going to argue with them all the time. Jill says she thinks they're wrong about that. Hey Jill, just a thought, but if you're trying to convince the band you're not going to argue with them, it might be a good idea NOT TO ARGUE WITH THEM! Next she says it's because she's Italian. And that's supposed to make everything better how? Finally, she asks why rock and roll has such a double standard: guys can show their sexuality and rip their shirts off and girls can't? Actually, that's a very good question. Perhaps Storm would care to take this one...

Gilby's having none of it, though, and tells Jill he's played guitar for Heart, which has two girl singers (three, if you count Nancy Wilson), and Ann Wilson has never had to stoop so low as to hump him to try to get her emotions out. That's probably just because Ann couldn't catch him, though. He's lucky he wasn't dressed as an ice cream sandwich on that tour.

To him, all of Jill's moves were predictable; he's seen them at the Holiday Inn, he's seen it everywhere. Show him something he hasn't seen. Impossible, Jill says, because everything's already been done in rock and roll. And with that, she awakens the sleeping 'tard that is Tommy Lee, who buzzes her out. Let's just hope she isn't in the bottom three tonight, or she'll be humping her ass right out the door.

But enough about Jill. Let's talk about Dana. TheDave calls her out on saying she's done being the student. Does that mean she's not going to listen to her housemates any longer? More important, is she not going to listen to Supernova? Of course not, she says. She just thinks she's starting to learn more from the other rockers when they keep their mouth shut. Dilana, who gave Dana some good advice last week, is clearly hurt. If I were Dana, I'd hide the knives when I got back to the mansion later tonight...

After the break, it's time for the encore. This week, it's Storm Large. It's pretty much the same performance she gave last night, except now instead of worrying about her hooha being exposed on national TV, she's worried about her breastesses.

Finally, it's time to reveal the bottom three. Brooke introduces the initial bottom three from the end of last night's show: Jill, Josh and Zayra are all given the bad news. But as the votes poured in from around the globe, Phil and Patrice also spent some time in the bottom three. That means one of these five will be eliminated; the remaining rockers are safe.

The first rocker in the real bottom three is Patrice. While she's not surprised to be in the bottom three, she will be surprised if she goes home tonight. To prove why she should stay, she's going to sing "My Iron Lung" by Radiohead, which she feels is "graceful and beautiful and in your face at the same time." Much like T-Bag describes his junk. She does a decent enough job. It's certainly good enough to save her tonight. Especially considering who the next one to join the bottom three is: Zayra!

A quick review of her performance last night makes me regret my describing it as "Marlee Matlin impersonating Kate Bush." Because in reality, it was more like Helen Keller impersonating Kate Bush. Gilby tells her tonight may be the last time she sings for the band, so she better make it count. Tonight, she's going to sing "I'm Not An Addict" by K's Choice. Because Zayra is just addicted to music, and this song will explain the way she feels. Five "notes" into the song, and I know she's going home. Yay bad song selection! K-Fed could be the third person on the bottom three tonight and he'd still do better than this, right? We'll find out after the break.

Okay, the third person isn't K-Fed, but rather Bobblehead, a.k.a. Phil. Even as bad as he is, there's no way he's going home after Zayra's performance. Providing, of course, he picks a decent song. And that song is? "Smoking Umbrellas" by a band called Failure. What? Oh shit. Shit shit shit shit shit shit. Shit!!! Smoking Fuckbrellas? What the hell is he thinking?! Geez. It's bad, but not as bad as Zayra.

Or is it?

It is. After a brief palaver with the band, the Hatchet Man (who's wearing a totally awesome hoodie tonight) says they just don't buy Phil's commitment to the band. And therefore, Zayra stays and he has to go.

I wish I could say I made up that last bit. But it's true. Phil is cut, and Zayra survives to "sing" another week. Yeah, it sucks, but at least it means I've got one more week of good material ahead of me.

Your thoughts?

Posted by at 8:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (28)

Andy and Katie were in the TVgasm studio last night for the latest episode of Project Runway. Click on the picture above to play.

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Dava and madeyoulaugh were back to recap the results of Rockstar: Supernova. Click on the picture above to play.

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Just when we thought the summer of Chenbot self-awareness couldn't get any better, Variety reports that none other than Julie Chen and Les Moonves are the proud owners of several TVgasm Chenbot mugs. "My girlfriend and I were looking on the Net," Julie explains, "and we saw the site that had all the Chenbot stuff. I went to Leslie and said, 'You're not going to believe this, but I think there's a (mug) with my head on it." Oh Julie. How could there not be a mug with your head on it? Nevertheless, we're more than thrilled that this power couple has a touch of TVgasm in their cupboard and will gladly supply more free Chenbot supplies to them if they so desire. In the meantime, to read more about how Julie came to possess her Chenbot merchandise, click here.

To see our full line of Chenbot merchandise and purchase some of your own visit the TVgasm store.

Posted by at 12:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (30)

Fire Island, here we come!

Hey, remember that "sex video" we put up from ABC's upcoming Fire Island romp, One Ocean View? Well, we actually received a cease and desist on it, even though the video featured no nudity, no discernible sound (minus one fleeting moan), and no solid evidence that the people having sex were on the show in the first place. The bad news is that we had to take the clip down (don't all start crying at once now). The good news is that we have something equally as titillating in its place: the official One Ocean View trailer, set to the wuss-tastic sounds of Dashboard Confessional. This brief clip features more skin than our supposedly scandalous sex-tape, but I guess the lack of any orgasmic moans makes it okay to post. Truth is I started watching this video with my eyes fully prepared to roll, and while they did in fact roll, I was way more amused than I expected to be thanks to the constant onslaught of pretty people cheesing it up for the camera. Why look, there's the dreamy guy staring pensively into our souls! And there's the bitchy lady standing poised with firm resolve! And there's the buxom blonde girl randomly sitting on some sort of wicker structure! And there's the jacked guy, hunched over a railing as if to say, "Check it out, I'm hunched over a railing." So it might not be a sex tape, but hopefully, you'll find this clip worth at least 100 of its 108 second runtime.

Posted by at 6:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

Big Brother All-Stars, 7/25/06, CBS

Somebody should tell Jase that flat-ironing is sooo two years ago.

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It's exile week for the Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Fresh Meat which means that some of us are going to have to learn how to live without either Katie and Eric or Tina and Kenny. It's like Alien vs. Predator: whoever wins, we lose. OK, it's not that bad, because if Tina was to go home, a lot of people would consider that a victory anyway. Looming arond this discussion of who's going home are EVan and Coral. Once the strongest team, they have really been set back by Evan's injury. It seems that the question is no longer, "How long can they last?" but rather "When wil they go home?".

Although a lot of people cynically believe that these challenges are just a way of putting money into the pockets of marginally talented reality star talent, I know that every time one of these shows are filmed, it gives us North Americans the chance to send some of our best and brightest abroad with an opportunity to give people areound the world a chance at sampling the quality individuals our families and institutions are popping out these days. (Yes, I really just said that with a straight face.) Australia is no different, and our ambassadors love to get liquored up to sample some of the local flavor, whether that flavor be the local bar or the local cooter.

This week, we see Evan doing a contest at a local bar. Actually, the contest is quite tame, and the only thing required of those involved is the removal of an article of clothing as well as the inflation of a prophilactic. Considering the crazy shit that "goes down" down under, it could have been a lot worse. For some reason, Evan is worried about going onto the stage while he was injured, which makes no sense because last week he had no problem wrestling Wes, and commons sense tells us that if there is anything that will aggrevate your hernia, it's fighting a dumbass.

Since this show has started, it is remarkable the lack of strategy that these teams have shown. Once the Austin cast was dealt with, it was like nobody here could think on their own. There was a hope that the Fresh Meat would make it feel less like the people chosen to compete had gotten together before hand and decided not to put any of the good players in Exile together, but that's exactly what it looks like. If you win, why not campaign to put two strong teams into Exile every week? It's in your best interest to play against a weak team in the final weeks. Why are people so concerned about looking fair to the likes of Theo, Coral, and Darrell? They would throw you under the bus at the first chance, so why not beat them to it?

Anyway, there was a semblance of strategy this week, and it came from a sort of startling place: Wes. Faced with the possibility of not going into Exile for the first time, Wes decided that if he shared some of his insider knowledge, he might be able to make a friend and last another week or two. I don't want to make fun of Wes too much, because he is at least trying, but what sort of knowledge was he hoping to pass on that would give anybody (in this case, Eric and Katie) and advantage?

The main factor in determining the winner is how much weight they carried in their bags, and that is already pre-determined. Other than that the only thing he can say is perhaps run fast, or call your third grade teacher to help you with the puzzles. Honestly, the most difficult part of Exile seems to be picking up your team flag at each station, so reminding them to pick up their flags would be more effective than saying "I hope you packed light."

Like I said, Eric and Katie were lucky enough to be the recipients of Wes' vast knowledge, which meant that Tina and Kenny had another factor working against them as they tried to save themselves from exile. After receiving their text message, the teams head over to meet TJ Lavin who would explain their next task.

The teams were divided into two teams, with the captains being the top rated teams from the shark task. Each team of eight had to pull a wooden pallet stacked with hay that weighed about 850 lbs. The team that one would then split up into their four separate teams of two and pull the wooden pallet without the hay.

Now, if anybody was smart, they would have simply picked the two teams going into exile to be on the same side, and then thrown the match. That would have automatically saved everybody else from Exile, but again, that thinking is a little too high level for them. They are the type of people who need a strategy guide to finish Tetris.

Nobody relished pulling all of that weight throught the mud, but it really bothered Evan. Even so, it looked like his team was going to be able to "pull it through". He did have Eric on his team, and when it comes to leverage, nobody is bringing more than that guy. Eric and Katie, Coral and Evan, Derrick and Diem, and Shane and Linnette pulled out to a large early lead, but they seemed to get bogged down, and the other team, composed of Kenny and Tina, Theo and Chanda, Darrell and Aviv, and Wes and Casey, were working together well, and eventually passed them and went on to victory.

To add injury to insult, Coral dislocated her kneecap, and Evan aggrevated his injury as well, which you can expect when you have a hernia and are trying to pull 850 lbs. I'll admit that Evan is proving himself to be a tough competitor, but pulling that weight with the injury he had is like a boxer going into a match with a broken arm. The only thing that can happen is that you make it worse, so I can't really have that much sympathy for him. Evan hasn't revealed his injury, so it's very lucky for him that Coral was injured, because he can go to the hospital, and it looks like he is simply being a good teammate.

As the remaining teams got ready to do their thing, it didn't look like any of them were that excited. I was starting to at least respect Wes a little more this episode since he decided that being an antagonizing prick was getting him nowhere, but he quit pulling his sled minutes after they started. Casey wasn't pulling enough weight, and he figured that he was going to lose anyway, so he just quit. He said he was saving energy, but that is bullshit. He got so disgusted with Casey when she gave up on that one challenge where she quit, you think he would set an example and work hard and perhaps inspire her to do more. Instead, he gives up, and then makes fun of his partner for not being able to get out of the harness quickly enough. Respect? gone. Asshole? That would be Wes.

The rest of the teams stuck in the game, although it looked like Tina had sort of given up on Kenny. It came down ot Darrell and Aviv against Theo and Chanda, and neither of these teams gave up. Eventually, Darrell and Aviv got the win, meaning Eric and Katie would face off against Tina and Kenny in Exile.

The teams started the ride to exile and really, I am wondering why the feel it is necessary to blindfold all of these people when they go to exile. Are they worried that one of the teams would sacrifice some quality get drunk and puke time, use their own money finding to find their own transportation, and then aimlessly wander around the bush and beaches of Australia? Lest we forget that the team who has had the lower weight has won EVERY SINGLE EXILE. You could tell these teams everything there is to know about Exile, and it still wouldn't help anybody out.

So, who packed the least amount of weight this time? Well, that would be Tina and Kenny, who packed 164 pounds, compared to Katie and Eric who packed 216 pounds. It's too bad, because I really wanted Katie and Eric to win. Although Katie has been kind of a baby in the last couple of tasks, in general the two of them have been among the most likable of the bunch. However, there is a bonus to Tina and Kenny winning because they felt slighted when Wes helped Katie and Eric. That means that Tina, and all of her raging hatred and anger would be focused on Wes, and anytime Wes feels like shit, I usually get a lot of laughs.

Although I had pretty much given up hope that Katie and Eric would win, I had almost forgotten there was still some hope, even if Katie wanted Eric to literally carry every bag. Yes, I am talking about the puzzles! Clearly Tina would be too stupid to solve the puzzles, so if Eric is half as good at brainteasers as he is at eating chicken wings, he has at least a decent chance of finishing a puzzle and perhaps winning this whole thing. Or at least that is what I thought.

The first puzzle was, like the rest of them, only difficult if you haven't made it past the fifth grade. The first one had words arranged in a certain way to make another phrase. For instance:

CLOWALKUDS

would be "A walk in the clouds". The phrases they had to complete are "walk in the park", "sitting on top of the world", and "crossfire". (Click here for some harder ones) Actually, let me take that back, they only had to complete two of these puzzles, and wouldn't you know it, but Tina was able to do just that. Because they got them correct, they were able to drop their bags and run to the next station. With that kind of head start, there was no way Eric and Katie could catch up, right?

Well, you forgot about the flags, or rather, Tina and Kenny forgot about their team flag. Just as they reached the second station, Kenny had to run back and get the flag. During this time, Eric and Katie were able to make their way to the first stop, and they too were able to solve the puzzle. Amazing! Could this be the smartest foursome in the history of the challenge? I know, it's hard to think that may be the case with Tina involved, but she was also able to solve the second puzzle, and the reward was to take two minutes off of your time. Katie and Eric also finished the second puzzle, or more accurately, Katie cried about not understanding the puzzle while Eric finished it.

Unfortunately, Katie and Eric were not able to catch up with Tina and Kenny. It sucks because Tina is now so full of herself (usually she's just full of burritos), but again, this is going to really piss off Wes. He was counting on his alliance with Eric and Katie to help him, and now his only friends in the house seem to be gone.

I never thought I would see such an exhibition of brain power in just one show, but both teams solved both puzzles. Tina was jumping around after her victory saying that she had overcome such a disadvantage, and really, I just don't get it. The only advantage was the weight of the bags, and it was Tina that had the advantage! The big story, however, was Evan and Coral. Coral had to be taken to a bigger hospital because the local medical center didn't have what they needed to help her. Evan was just as bad. His hernia was much worse and there was bleeding involved. Surprisingly, both of them thought that this challenge is more important than their health. Seriously, both of their injuries are bad enough that if not treated properly, can lead to big health problems in the past. Evan is young and stupid, and has never done this before, and he can probably recover, but why is Coral doing this? Is she saving up for a breast reduction or something?

Next week, Coral and Evan come back. I can't imagine that they will be able to place first to save themselves from Exile because Coral is going to have problems simply walking. This gives the team that wins a chance to put them in Exile, and whoever goes against them is likely going to get a win, again, because of all the weight they have to carry. Still, the most likely result is that the team who wins is going to want to be "fair" and not place their injured friends into a competition that they will lose and therefore send them home.

But at least Wes will be pissed off.

What did you think of this episode? Did you want Tina and Kenny or Katie and Eric to win? How long can Coral and Evan last?

Posted by at 2:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

So there have been a lot of complaints that this season of Big Brother has not quite lived up to the hype. Basically, we've had a bunch of people talking about how they were going to shake things up in the house, but when it came to actuaully walking the walk, their actions were far short of spectacular. We have all of these great players, but there hasn't been anything to really suck us in. And then last night's episode happened. In terms of showcasing what makes Big Brother great, last night should go down in the top ten episodes OF ALL TIME for Big Brother in the United States, and if it weren't for last season, it could have been one of my two or three favorite episodes ever. What made it so great? Find out after the jump.

When I did the recap of the live show last week, I said that I was very happy to see James as HoH. He never had a chance to win head of household during his season, and since he is considered a very smart player, I wanted to see what he would do. He was critical of Kaysar's nominations, but not having been in the driver's seat himself, how could he ever understand the pressure?

To be honest, I thought that the nomination of George and Will, with Will as the "pawn", was really not a very bold move. Having seen what Kaysar went throught, it was hilarious to hear James talk about his nominations. First, he said that he nominated Chicken George because it means that the floaters will have to pick a side. Great strategy, but isn't this exactly the same thing that Kaysar wanted to do last week? How many weeks in a row are they going to say "we wanted the floaters to pick a side" before we start to wonder if this strategy kind of sucks. For the most part, the floaters have been floating. All of that talk about choosing sides has not materlialized, and if anything James and Kaysar succeeded only in putting bigger targets on their backs.

Calling what these two have done "strategy" is like calling last year's Syracuse football team "competitive". You can't use them in the same sentence. What is this obsession with secret alliances? I guess from their experience last year, they want to believe that everybody in the house has a secret alliance with somebody else. Sure a lot of people may know each other, but what did they expect to happen? How many people in the house other than Chicken George live more than a two-hour drive away from Los Angeles? Of course people are going to be friends.

I wonder if Dr. Will gets jealous?

Chicken George's ability in this game has been elevated by the fact that he was caught eavesdropping on James and Janelle, who happen to be the people that are most anxious to get him out. I understand that George has been playing dumb, and his willingness to help out with the housework is an obvious play to kiss ass (one that Erika used to her advantage well during her season), but the only real friend this guy has in the house is the dumbest person in the place: Howie. George can't rally people to his cause, so leaving him inside the house at this point in time seems really counterproductive.

Every week, as I chronicle my first summer with Dr. Will (who seems to have lost his spray on tan from last time), I can't help it but to be surprised as to how Will is playing this game. A lot of his style can be perceived by arrogance, but until somebody actually takes him out of the game, he has been able to do thing almost exactly according to plan. The only aspect of the game that it looks like Dr. Will can't keep under wraps is Howie, who is looking to hug Will at any spare moment of the day. I don't know what Will's problem is. Who doesn't love a hug? You should go find somebody in your office right now and give them a hug (we cannot be held responsible for any lawsuits that may arise). If you are at home, hug your wife or husband or kid or dog or mailman/woman(not too tight!). When they look at you like you like you're crazy, tell them it's from TVgasm, and then they'll know you're really insane.

After nominations, Jase goes up to the HoH room and he and James have a little moment between the two of them. Jase hadn't yet talked to James one on one because he didn't want to seem like he was kissing ass before nominations, which just goes to show you what kind of person Jase is, namely somebody who likes to kiss ass the day after nominations. James and Jase discussed how much they respected each other, and how it would piss them off if a floater makes it to the end of the game. They even came to a gentleman's agreement not to backdoor each other if either one of them happened to be HoH or, you know, the shower.

I can understand the frustration of not wanting a floater to make it towards the end, but leave the theory and the discussion to us idiot bloggers who spent way too much analyzing and agonizing over every minute detail. As much as I love to see schemers inside the house and want crazy shit to unfold in order to make this show exciting, there is not really a practical way to defend the way James and Jase are talking about floaters and what to do with them.

Floaters are never the sexy pick, but they do serve a purpose, and just because James might not be happy with the way they play doesn't mean that the floating strategy is necessarily wrong. In fact, you could argue that it might be harder to get through the the Big Brother competition as a floater than it is for people who are part of a strong alliance. Jase and James were acting like it required some act of congress before people could play the way that they did, saying that floating is not worthy of a true Big Brother All Star, but you know what? Last time I checked, the person who gets that $500,000 is not judged based on style points. There is no degree of dfficulty that measures into the final tally, so listening to the two of these guys talk about how much they each respected the game was such bullshit. All of this talk of floaters simply means that people are still scared of Dr. Will. It's unbelievable how much people are overthinking this game.

Usually the Sunday and Tuesday episodes are where we get our really lame segments about life in the house, but this episode was so good that even those segments were good. First we had Marcellas talking about how appealing the men were in the house, and while he said a little bit about everybody, this was really the "Marcellas has a crush on Kaysar" segment. Yes, all of you ladies who thought that you would be the only ones fighting for Kaysar's affection should realize that there are probably just as many men who have a crush on him as well.

Marcellas called Kaysar the Iraqi peach, but I thought Middle East peaches come from Iran. Which makes me think, doesn't Kaysar look sort of like a thinner, slightly darker Michael Tarshi? Yes, Tarshi's Persian and Kaysar is Iraqi, but hey girls, you get Tarshi in the gym, and after a little while, maybe you can get a Kaysar substitute. After all, just how much time do you want to invest getting the Muslim Brad Pitt when there are people like Marcellas who would kill for him? Marcellas was talking about how much he liked Kaysar's "musk". I'm telling you right now, if Kaysar was driving Marcellas' taxi or selling him a falafel, Marcellas would not be calling it "musk". Rather, he would tell it like it is, and call it BO. I say save yourself the trouble and go for Tarshi, who couldn't be considered a Muslim Brad Pitt, but he does have a good job and drives a Porsche!

I wonder if Kaysar's musk is anything like Hai Karate

I'm sorry if I didn't spend enough time talking about Kaysar, but really, this is already the third segment with people talking about how hunky he is, and we have a little game to talk. Marcellas is chatting with Erika about who should be leaving the house. Eventually one of the floaters is going to win HoH, and they have to figure out what they are going to do. Erika has been playing a great game, because her whole game is being a floater, and while people talk about getting rid of floaters for the last two weeks, her name has never popped up. However, I can't agree with her when she talks about wanting to get rid of George.

Erika says the knock on Chicken George is that he has yet to show that he can win anything, but again, this should be the reason that you want him in the house. As you reach the end, Chicken George is not going to be a physical threat, and he has proved inept at scheming. Keep him in the game, and your chances of winning go up. And there is no reason to give this excuse that you don't want to see George winning the money at the end. If everybody in the house hates George, then the jury will be made up of a bunch of people who hate George. If they hate George, why would they vote him to win at the end? It doesn't make any sense. Marcellas did make the argument that Chilltown should be allowed to stay because they need a buffer against season six, but really, what kind of shit is that? But if you need somebody to be a target for season six wrath, why not make the buffer Chicken George?

The next little comedy segment from the house featured Jase getting freestyling in one of the bedrooms. A bunch of people were gathered around, cheering white boy on. Will said that he woke up in the middle of the night wondering why 8 mile broke out in the bedroom. He might have called it 8 mile, but the type of flow Jase was displaying wouldn't get him eight feet. Jase got down, and everybody decided that it would be funny to get George up there to rap, and it was actually kind of funny. Even though it sounded more like slam poetry, George really had some bad things to say about James. Nobody has given George a chance, but he seems to be ready for the fight everybody says is coming.

Honestly, that segment would have been enought, but then we get another segment where Danielle is talking about how much Jase likes to primp, especially taking note of how much time he spends on his hair. When Jase came in the house, we thought he had changed, and I have to say that he was growing on me a little bit. But ever since that episode where they were digging around in the Big Brother trash, something has really changed in him. It's as if the bandana he wore unleashed some inner demon, and now he is back to using a flat iron on his hair and spending more prep time on his bangs than anybody in the hosue, man OR woman. You can take the man away from Hollywood, but you can't take Hollywood (or the hair products, manicures, and facials) away from the man. I think Jase was lying when he said his idol was Brad Pitt, because he's doing everything he can to make himself look like Ryan Seacrest.

You've got to be kidding me

I know people are going to call me crazy, but Chicken George started to grown on me this episode. And when I say started, my love for Chicken George spread faster than the Asian bird flu. This game is so cut throat, how can you not love a person like George. Sure he's annoying, and if I saw him in the tinfoil suit, I would probably shoot him myself, but look at how he treats Howie. Other people try to bully Howie around because Howie is a big guy himself. George is different. As the two of them are talking about George's chances in the veto, George tells Howie that if he is gone, Howie should go out and win this thing. George told Howie that he could do it, and he shouldn't let anybody tell him he can't do it. It wasn't quite as inspiring as watching Hoosiers, or uplifting as having Julie Chen say "yes" when you ask her to marry you, but even Howie was silenced after her realized how much George cared about him.

But enough with all of that, George's only hope lied in the veto competition, and early on, it didn't look good. As they were drawing to see who would join them in the competition, James drew Kaysar, Will drew a wild card and picked Boogie, and George picked Jase. The only person that could save George was George himself. Luckily, he caught a break with the veto compeition. The six players were given a series of tasks to see how far they would go to win the veto. If a player chose not to paticipate, or sat out, that person was eliminated.

The first of the challenges was called "Sloppy Surprise", and immediately, I started looking out for Jen Vazquez, but the actual challenge was just eating a bowl of slop. I guess if Jen was to come out, they would call it "Sloppy Seconds" or more accurately "Sloppy Hundreds". I thought this would be an easy challenge, but it Will and Mike boogie actually couldn't complete it.

The next challenge asked everybody if they would burn all of their clothes. The people left are two buff guys (James and Jase), another in decent shape(Kaysar), and one who doesn't care what he looks like, so every single one of them decided to go along. The same thing applied to the next competition, which was to allow everybody else to write messages on their bodies in marker. Somebody wrote something fowl (get it?) on Chicken George, because it had to be blurred out. My guess is that Howie drew boobs on Chicken George. The fourth challenge was a little more difficult, but again, everybody went along. It required them to get in a tub full of blue dye to make themselves human blueberries.

Things didn't get really interesting until the next task, which was just a simple question. To move on, the person had to forfeit their chance at next week's veto competition. Now people had to start thinking. James, who can't compete in the HoH, decided that he needs to be able to compete in the veto, and pulled out. Jase, who is a floater and needs all the protection he can get in this game, also pulled out. That left only Kaysar and George. Obviously George is going to say yes, but what about Kaysar? If George were to win the veto, it would really fuck up the plan, not that I would complain, because getting rid of George was a fucked up plan to begind with.

Eventually, Kaysar decides that he has to move on, which is very interesting. Unless somebody from Season Six wins HoH (not out of the realm of possibility), he is likely to be nominated because he can't defend himself with the veto. And if another person from Season Six is nominated, he can't help them in the veto either. Is it really worth all of that risk to get rid of Chicken George? If this was Dr. Will, I understand. Dr. Will is the greatest player in the game. Chicken George? He's the housekeeper. Wasting effort on him is ridiculous and Kaysar's willingness to go so far makes me wonder if the talk of him making an alliance with Will is in fact the truth.

After losing the veto, the next task was shaving your head. Both people left said yes, and Marcellas nearly cried at the thought of Kaysar shaving his locks. I don't know guys and girls, is the new Kaysar an improvement?

Head shaving was the final task, so the winner was going to come down to a tiebreaker. The question was how many days are you willing to go with slop in order to win the veto. The person who wrote the highest number on their chalkboard would be the winner and there were sixty days left in the house. It's obvious to me that George was going to put down the maximum, the question was how far was Kaysar willing to go? Kaysar put down fifteen days, and George put down sixty, which meant that George had won the power of veto, and now things were really going to be shaken up!

I know that Chicken George is this dangerous player, but after he won the Veto, I was thinking to myself that this would be the perfect time to put up Mike Boogie and destroy Chilltown once and for all. Seriously, how could James fuck this up? Well, he could start not seeing the obvious. As season six got together to discuss what they should do, they were all trying to get James to put up Jase. I seriously couldn't believe what I was hearing. How did they let Will actually become the pawn? They talk about taking out the strongest player that is going after them, and they all forget that Dr. Will is ALREADY THERE!

I'll admit that Jase is a pretty good choice, but after that agreement Jase just made with James, would James go back on his word? I called Kaysar a big pussy for not putting up Dr. Will, but James is an even bigger pussy because apparently he is going to put up Jase. Kaysar tries to explain to Jase how season six came to their decision, and Jase doesn't understand why they didn't just put up Boogie, and Kaysar says it is because the people would vote out Boogie and not Dr. Will.

Does anybody see what is wrong with that scenario? If you want to get rid of Dr. Will, but think that people would vote out Boogie, how is that bad? So you don't get rid of your main taget, but at least you get rid of his main ally! WHY IS THAT BAD? I know that the theory is that you must chop off the head of the snake and the rest will die, but if that snake is Chilltown and you have a chance to cut off it's tail, shouldn't you do that? Why let the snake roam around at full stregth. It will just sit back, take it's time, and bite you in the ass.

Jase was a little pissed about what he saw was going down, and he decided that it was time to start calling people out. Oh man, this is when Big Brother gets good. Jase walks into the backyard where everybody has congregated, and starts throwing a few things to get people's attention, but for the most part people ignore him. Then he starts to open his mouth.

Jase tells James that he was really surprised that James of all people would take the "bitch route", and James responds that it is time to talk about numbers, but Jase doesn't want to talk about numbers, he wants to talk about integrity. Jase thought James had integrity, but now he knows that he does not because apparently James is going to nominate him after their agreement. To me, it seemed like Jase should have waited to get mad until after the nominations, but I guess he was trying to pressure James into changing his mind.

James tried to say that integrity has to work at every level, and then Howie chimed in by calling out Jase for going back and forth between Season Six and Chilltown, and asking if that means Jase has integrity. Jase then decides to call out Marcellas, who would spend all day in the HoH room, and then come down and say "we have to get rid of season six". Marcellas at first protested that he didn't want to be brought into this, but after he was called out, he said "Everybody knows that you have to break up season six", and when on to say that he has told that to everybody, not just jase. Marcellas then reminded him that nobody knew what was going to happen until Jase threw his hissy fit. Now Jase may primp like a queen, but he doesn't bitch like one. Jase tried to tell James that Marcellas might go to Chilltown next week and go after him, but Marcellas said that everybody talks about all the alliances, because that is "The game", and this last ditch effort to throw him under the bus wouldn't work. Marcellas ended the conversation by saying "Now I know why the people in season five hated you!"

SLAM!

WOW! That was some good action. Nice plan James! You should use your time as HoH to get rid of your enemies, not create more! Now, if James were smart, he would have just nominated Mike Boogie. James said that he is doing what is good for the group, but that's retarded. Last time, he admitted that the was the fourth wheel in the season six alliance, so why go to so much effort to protect them? Jase might have been floating between two groups, but if he isn't voted out of the house, it means James and season six have a sworn enemy, and they missed a chance to take out Dr. Will.

I thought the excitement was over, and then we came to the veto ceremony. This was actually the best veto ceremony EVER. It's customary for the people on the block to give their reasons for the veto winner to use the veto, but Will decided to use a different approach. He didn't want the people to use the veto on him. In fact, he insulted everybody to their face. Will talked about how it was easy for him to get motivated the first time he was in the house in season two because there were people that he hated and gave him motivation. This time, he has no motivation because he hates everybody so much, he can't make up his mind who to hate more. He then said he would throw every HoH, every veto competition, as well as every food challenge if he wasn't voted out. His mission would be to make them eat slop.

Quite honestly, Dr. Will's speech was a thing of beauty. Season six has basically said that they want Will to make an ass of himself because they want to be up against him at the end. At first, it looks like season six gets exactly what they were looking for. Anybody in the jury is going to vote against the jerk that was throwing competitions and making them eat slop. However, Dr. Will just gave himself a built-in excuse. If these people don't vote to get rid of him, even after he said that he wants to go, and he would terrorize their time in the house, how can they blame him at the end? What's more, even if he is voted out of the house this week, he can simply said "Well, I wanted to get out, and told people I wanted to leave", so even in defeat, it looks like the house was only doing what he wanted them to do. As he would later say, he made the target on his back so big that it becaome invisible.

Will's speech overshadowed another good one by George, who talked abotu second chances, and was so heartfelt, but whatever, if you are on the block and have the veto, it's not about second chances, but saving your own ass. Gerry gave Marcellas a second chance in season three, but George is just saving his own ass.

George used the veto, and as was predicted, James put up Jase. James said that Jase had shot himself in one foot, and Dr. Will and Boogie shot him in the other, but again, I don't think it is Jase that comes off looking like the bad guy. Jase looks like a hot head who can't be trusted, but that's pretty much what a lot of people felt about him when he came in anyway. If there is anybody who got shot in the foot, it is season six. They really should be targeting the biggest threat in the house, but instead are forced to take out Jase.

Season six talks about how their plan is to take out floaters, but they are really being hipocritical, because they are trying to be floaters themselves. Floaters spend their time in the house trying not to make enemies in hopes that people will keep them around longer, and that is exactly how they have been playing. Floaters try to make people believe that they are not threats to win, and that is what season six has been doing. The fact of the matter is that season six should realize that they are a threat and that they are the most powerful force in the house, and realize that people will be coming after them, no matter what they do.

Instead, their gameplan is to keep Dr. Will around, because people believe that any of them would win if they were in the final two with Dr. Will. And Will has made it easier on them by announcing he would be an asshole the rest of the game. But amazingly enough, Dr. Will is a huge asshole, but is going to look like an underdog when it compared to season six. What season six is going to do is populate the jury house with a bunch of floaters that they were responsible for evicting out of the house. What they should be doing is populating the jury with the type of people who don't want the floaters to win. What's the better strategy? We've got one long hot summer to find out.

What did you think about the episode? Was James correct in nominating Jase? Should Will or Jase go home? Do you think Chilltown or Season Six has more influence in the house?

Posted by at 10:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (49)

Quick question: after three weeks of Rock Star: Supernova how many of you thought a chick from South Africa would be the frontrunner for Tommy Lee's new band? Yeah, me neither. Even more surprising, though, is getting to meet a Puerto Rican chica who shoots lasers from her hands. And, evidently, her vagina.

I can only imagine what Dr. Evil would do with such a killing machine...

Anyway, I don't know if it's because of the weather (yes, we're having storms again) or my TiVo is throwing a hissy fit about having to watch this show twice a week, but for some reason, the sound is really off tonight. Ironically, I like it better this way. Especially when Zayra "performs."

Hey, does anyone know if Brooke is pregnant? Because I don't know how else to explain her outfit. It makes her boobs look droopy and her belly quite large. It's almost as if she's trying to hide a protruding starving African belly. Or maybe she's hiding an actual starving African. Enquiring minds want to know!

Brooke introduces the 12 remaining rockers, saying they're "sitting together like they're crammed into coach class." Since when has Brooke ever flown coach? She then follows up with, "But only one of the rockers will be hitching a ride in a private jet with Supernova." Oh, I get it. Airplane humor. Okay, I got one. Ready? Northwest.

After a quick introduction of the band, it's time for the closest thing to a catchphrase Brooke has (apart from calling everyone a "rocker," that is): introducing her "good friend," TheDave. Wait a minute, she didn't introduce him as her "good friend"! I bet she's just sore because TheDave said her outfit was so ugly even he wouldn't wear it. Okay, he didn't really say that. Because as we all know, there isn't a woman's outfit ugly enough that TheDave wouldn't wear.

Last week, Jason played bass with Phil. This week, Gilby is going to jam on lead guitar with one of the rockers. Who will it be? You'll just have to watch and find out. Please let it be Zayra! Please let it be Zayra!

As we all know, Supernova has been in the studio working on their "sound." Earlier in the week, they took a break and visited the mansion to play some tracks for the contestants. Much bobbing of heads, snapping of fingers and clapping of hands ensues. And that's just for Jason's a cappella version of Frera Jaqua! Eh, if only he'd actually sung Frera Jaqua. Because truth be told, the tracks they played kinda sucked. Maybe the band should pick Zayra. At least having someone on stage shooting lasers out of her hands would take the attention off their music.

Evidently, I'm alone in my dislike, because the rockers all seem to love what they're hearing. I know, what are the odds? General consensus seems to be it sounds like top-down, cold beer, good times, classic rock and roll. Or, as I like to call it, Journey.

Okay, it's not that bad. But I don't think it's something I'll be downloading off of iTunes anytime soon. Primarily because my iPod broke yet again. Thanks a lot, STEVE JOBS. I bet if we shaved his head, we'd find a tiny 666 tattooed on his scalp. Growing up, I always thought the Antichrist would be cool. But Steve Jobs is just a dick!

Anyway, the contestants all say they get what the band's all about now, and can't wait to put some words to the tracks. Come on, you can't tell me singing something to that is going to be more fun than covering "Sanitarium". Pussies.

Back in the club, Gilby tells the contestants it was great to hang out with them the other night, but now that they know the type of music the band will be playing, there's no more excuses for sucking. Unless your name is Zayra, in which case that's all the excuse you need.

"Enough about our music," says T-Lee. It's time to hear the contestants. "Let's crank this up, bitch!" I love when Tommy hits the rockers with his patented pillow talk.

First out of the gate is the Shire's own Lukaswise Gamgee. Tonight, he'll be singing "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Rolling Stones The Verve. I wonder if The Stones will sue him now for copyright infringement? It's typical Lukas. All growly posing and no enunciation. In terms of clarity, his guy's delivery makes Bob Dylan sound like William F. Buckley. TheDave really likes it though; in fact, he says Lukas was "awesome" twice! T-Lee says it's exactly how he'd have done the song. Except he'd have sung it whilst playing jump rope with his schlong. Of course, his schlong is taller than Lukas, so I think he was just funning with our 'lil munchkin.

Brooke says that Zayra has been flirting with the bottom three every week, but you "can't help but admire the risks she takes with her music." WTF? Brooke also says the spats Zayra has with Supernova every week are some of the most popular searches on MSN. Which just shows why Google continues to kick MSN's ass.

Holy Husband, Batman! Can you believe what this chick is wearing? And I thought Brooke's outfit was bad. It's sort of like Barbarella meets Neil Armstrong meets Oderus Urungus from GWAR. Only less sexy. She's covering "Call Me" by Blondie. I think. Although her performance is less Debbie Harry and more Marlee Matlin impersonating Kate Bush.

Gilby's laughing. Jason's laughing. I'm laughing. At this point, I bet even Zayra's mom is laughing. I know mine would be.

TheDave says Zayra most definitely is not awesome. In fact, she's even less awesome than one ex-Mrs. TheDave. His recommendation? Get started on a solo career right now. And get the hell off my stage, DONKEY!! Tommy says the last time he saw an outfit like that, he woke up with bite marks and boot marks all over him. But enough about prom...

Last week, Dana was almost eliminated. This week, she's trying to avoid the bottom three with a cover of "About A Girl" by Nirvana. TheDave says she's finally looking damaged enough to be a rock singer. Gilby can't believe she's the same girl from the first week. Her secret? She chugged a beer before she went on stage. And Jason applauds her for her love of the bottle. Didn't he see Some Kind of Monster?

Patrice is singing "Remedy" by The Black Crowes. Which is the only song by The Black Crowes I like. I just wish they'd been singing it tonight instead of Patrice. It's not that she's bad, it's just the same ol same ol from Patrice. And TheDave agrees, saying he's growing bored with Patrice giving the same performance week after week. Patrice asks if TheDave does a lot of different things on stage. "The difference is, I have a job and I'm not auditioning," he answers, proving once again that TheDave is not one to be trifled with. Gilby says they're looking for someone more unpredictable, and that tonight is her warning. Considering he once played with Axl Rose and now with Tommy Lee, I think it's safe to say Gilby knows from unpredictable.

Meanwhile, we learn that Toby has been beating himself up all week over last week's sub-par performance. Tonight, he's hoping to rebound with "White Wedding" by Billy Idol. I think he redeemed himself. And so does the band. In fact, Jason says it's his best performance yet, which would mean more if someone from the band didn't say it to every other contestant tonight.

After the break, it's time for Magni from Iceland. Tonight, he's covering "Heroes" by David Bowie. I think it's a'ight, but Tommy Lee is not happy. He'd like to know why Magni strapped himself to a guitar while singing a song about being a hero just for one day. No, seriously, that's what he said. Magni's response? He thinks it's one of the best songs ever written, and he didn't want to put on blue spandex and run around while singing it. Ooh, MagniSnap! Gilby tells him there's a right way to do that song and a wrong way, and Magni picked the wrong way. While I'm no fan of Magni's, the band's response to his performance tonight vexes me. I'm terribly vexed.

Last week, the band told Ryan he didn't look like he was having any fun. This week, he hopes to up the fun quotient by singing "I Alone" by Live. Ugh. He just upped the nausea quotient, as this has to be one of the worst songs ever written. Although in all honesty, I'd love to see what Zayra would do with it. Maybe her head would explode during the chorus. Alas, there are no exploding heads tonight. Ryan even jumped up on the drums, then jumped back down. If that's not fun, I don't know what is. TheDave thinks it was Ryan's best performance yet. But was it awesome?

Tonight Jill is singing "Brown Sugar" by The Rolling Stones. And she's accompanied by Gilby on guitar. Things seem to be going pretty well, until Jill gets too close to Gilby that is, who hightails it over to the other side of the stage to get away from her gaping vagina. Evidently, Jill doesn't know that "no means no", however, and she runs after him and starts getting all up in the crack of his ass again.

TheDave says Jill really kicked it up a notch tonight. But how did Gilby think she did? Okay, until she started grinding on him. He just thought the grinding was too clichéd. This just in: Gilby is gay! Or maybe he just doesn't like to be ground on by midgets. Actually, he says that too many women singers today rely on sex to get by. (I think he's talking to you, STORM!) Jill has a great voice, and Gilby thinks she doesn't need to fall back on sex: "It's cheap, and it's weak." TheDave, on the other hand, thinks it's a perception thing. Because if she were in his band, they'd be grinding all night long! Poor Gilby. When your sexuality is questioned by TheDave, you know you're in trouble.

Phil is singing "One Headlight" by The Wallflowers. The name of the song sounds familiar, but the song itself, at least as performed by Phil, is unrecognizable. Man I wish he'd stop waggling his head like that. Judging by the band's expression, they don't know what to make of Phil's performance either. Tommy says he likes the way Phil moves, but he doesn't know if everyone could deal with it for a whole show. Phil says don't blame him, blame his loose neck. Which sounds more like an excuse for giving a bad hummer than a bad performance.

Dilana is going to sing "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper. Really. And it's another great performance by the great unwashed. TheDave dug it, saying he gets chills no matter what she does. Tommy thinks she is just enchanting. Jason gives her a standing o. I just wish someone would give her a good hosing down.

Josh was also in the bottom three last week, but saved his ass by actually rocking. This week? He's back to his funky white boy shtick, performing "No Rain" by Blind Melon. I like Josh, and think he has a great voice, but every week it's becoming more and more apparent that he's just not right for this band. And the band agrees. Josh says he misses his soul side, and that he's been trying to bury it the past few weeks to show the band some rock. But he'd appreciate it if they were more open-minded to the soul. Oh no he di'int! He tries to save himself by saying he also meant blues, because the band's music has some definite blues elements, but it's too little, too late. Josh, say hello to Elliot Yamin on your way out the door.

Storm is tonight's last performer, and Brooke says she's ready to crash our hard drives one more time. I guess she's talking about this. Tonight, she'll be singing "Anything Anything" by Dramarama. It's by far Storm's best performance yet. (God, now I sound just like the band.) Although she does seem to be having a little trouble with her skirt, as she has to keep pushing it down whenever the camera gets too close. Maybe she's not wearing any underwear? No, Storm Large would never do something as risqué as that. She ends her performance by stage diving into the crowd. I wonder how many cheap feels the crowd got in before letting her go? The band loves it, as well they should. TheDave says there's nothing sexier than seeing a hot chick dive headfirst into a crowd. Except maybe this...

And thus ends another week of auditions. Before going off the air, Brooke reveals the initial bottom three. This week, it's Josh, Jill and Zayra. But will they stay in the bottom three? Or will the three faces of Zayra occupy all three spots? You'll just have to tune in to the results show and see.

Posted by at 9:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (21)

• In not so shocking news, N*SYNC member Lance Bass has said bye bye bye to his heterosexuality in a People Magazine interview where he reveals that he is in fact gay and dating Amazing Race winner Reichen Lehmkuhl. Rumors about their relationship have been circulating the internet for months as various paparazzi photos have shown the two suspiciously close together. Lance explains that he struggled with the decision to come out, fearing that he might destroy N*SYNC. Because let's face it -- the last thing you associate with a boy band is gayness. [People Magazine]

Posted by at 8:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (31)

• Plus-sized star Mo'Nique was kicked off a United Airlines flight when the crew allegedly thought a hairdryer in her entourage's carry-on luggage posed a threat. Officials explained that they didn't feel comfortable having someone on board who might potentially barge through the reinforced cockpit door, but the airline later recanted the statement when they discovered they had simply mistaken the actress for the Kool-Aid man. [Entertainment Tonight]


• Ken Jennings blasts Jeopardy on his website, calling it the "Dorian Gray of syndication." The national media flips out, but then awkwardness ensues as the entire concept of "satire" enters the fray. [Ken-Jennings.com, E! Online]


• CBS has greenlit a pilot order of The Singing Office where cameras force one unsuspecting office worker into an impromptu karaoke performance. The best singers are then flown to Hollywood where they will perform a choreographed routine in hopes of winning a cash prize for their office. Memo to self: have HR contact Kelly Clarkson. [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo!]


• Prison Break star Wentworth Miller says the joy of applying a faux tattoo to his torso has long since worn thin. Let's just hope for his sake that Michael Scoffield doesn't try to hide more architectural diagrams in a Prince Albert. [AP]


• Melanie Martinez, the hostess of Sprout's The Good Night Show, was fired from her post after execs learned she had appeared in satirical videos that inform women on how to stay virgins. This might explain that bizarre "My Body Is My Temple" lullaby episode. [AP]


• The Los Angeles Times catches up with VJs of yore. Oddly, they neglect to mention that Jesse Camp presently works at Olympic Pet Shop in West LA. And you think I'm joking... [Los Angeles Times]


• And lastly, Tom Petty has apparently turned into Diane Keaton (see photo above).

Posted by at 7:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Rockstar: Supernova was back with a vengeance this week, and it seemed like the energy level was up across the board. Dava and madeyoulaugh were in the TVgasm studio to liveblog all of the action. Click on the picture above to play.

Posted by at 8:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Hell's Kitchen, 7/24/06, FOX

Gordon Ramsay freaks out over nonstick pans, invasive breasts, and other pests of the kitchen. Enjoy.

Posted by at 5:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Things are starting to wind down on Hell's Kitchen, and with only five aspiring chefs going into Monday's episode, the restaurant is actually starting to function like, well, a restaurant. Completing dinner service is no longer a mythical feat, and more often than not, compliments are coming out of Gordon Ramsay's mouth. Does that mean the show has lost its abusive edge? Hell no, you DONKEY! Just because these chefs are improved doesn't mean they're immune from the Wrath of Ramsay, and tonight's episode proved that. Gordo was chock full o' tasty rants, my favorite being an exasperating plea to use a nonstick pan. Plus, we discovered the scariest beast that a restaurant could encounter. The one, the only, the... TWELVE TOP! Behold the magnificence!

This week's episode began with tears -- lots of them. Virginia had just narrowly escaped elimination and was now crying on her bed. Unfortunately for her, the only one around to make her feel better was resident penguin, Sara. The irony was not lost on the narrator, who commented, "Virginia, after facing elimination yet again, has no one left on her team to turn to but her bitter rival, Sara." Of course, the implication here was that Virginia ever had someone to turn to, but as far as I could tell, she still hadn't really become friends with anyone (excluding Ramsay, who she happily beguiles with her heaving bosom whenever she can). Nevertheless, Virginia bawled into her pillow, saying, "I suck, suck, suck." Yes, but tell us about your culinary skills. Rimshot! That was a fellatio joke, you see. Oh never mind.

Elsewhere in the compound, Heather hung out with her Blue Team homies and predicted that Gordon would probably join the groups into one über-team very soon. If that were to happen, the challenges would now be individual, not team. This spurred Garrett to say that if he were to win a challenge, he'd choose Keith to share in whatever reward awaited. I found this quite heartwarming, especially because the producers were so obviously setting up Keith to not return the favor. Suckah!

Nevertheless, Garrett really felt there was a male bond going on (although, I'm not sure that's ever a smart thing to do when one of the males goes by "K-Grease"). "There's two of us guys left," Garrett said, "and we just watch each other's backs, you know?" He then said, "Literally. He look at each other's backsides. You can take the boy out of the prison, but you can't take the prison out of the boy. Squeal like a piggy, K-Grease!" Okay, he didn't say that, but it should be noted that Keith will happily squeal like a piggy if prompted. That's just how he rolls.

The next morning, we saw Heather and Keith being all buddy-buddy and such. Oh, poor, naive Garrett. He had clearly become the third wheel to this dynamic duo. This could not end nicely for him. The cooks then all lined up in front of Gordon who congratulated them on making it to the final five. "One of you is gonna have their own restaurant," Ramsay said, adding, "And the rest of you are DONKEYS! FUCKING DONKEYS!!!!"

Well, maybe he didn't say that last part, but Gordo then doled out new black and white uniforms to everyone, signaling the end of team play. They were all one unified group now, and Virginia was more than thrilled. "We're all soldiers now. We all have to be our strongest," she said. Little did she know that they were DONKEY SOLDIERS!!! (Insert donkey neigh here). Gordon then reminded them all again that they each had a one in five chance of winning the restaurant, causing Heather to tell us excitedly, "It's me! It's me! It's me! It's me!" I couldn't help thinking this was massive misdirection on the producers' part. Setting Heather up for disappointment perhaps? We could only hope!

Anyway, the chefs all changed into their new uniforms, and Garrett commented that until that moment, his life just hadn't seemed to have clicked. But now it all made sense! Translation: he's so gonna get backstabbed and disillusioned. Nevertheless, the final five then returned to the kitchen where Gordon revealed this week's challenge. He presented everyone with ten ingredients and each person had to make something beautiful with them. Winner would go to Vegas to see the kitchen space. Chef Ramsay then lifted a cloth and presented the ingredients, which included "the most amazing fresh prawns!" Or as he likes to call them, "Donkey-fish!"

Well, the chefs all got to work making their culinary masterpieces, and after twenty minutes, they had to present their handiwork to The Ram Man (I just made that up). First up was Garrett whose veal over prawns and mushrooms with saffron earned high marks for being cooked perfectly and tasting nice, but uh oh: the evil specter of saffron strikes again! Too much! Too much! (By the way, this amused me to no end, only because my friends and I have been emailing about saffron all afternoon. Don't ask...)

Heather's dish also received praise for being "Very, very nice," but then Gordon tacked on an "Unfortunately" to the critique. Turns out she had forgotten to wash her spinach, and dirt managed to sneak onto Chef Ramsay's ever so delicate palate. Yeah, she won't be winning.

Virginia was next, and surprisingly, Ramsay raved about her prawn dish. Not faring as well was Sara's offering, which suffered from a boring presentation but at least made up some ground with nice flavors. Last but certainly not least was Keith, who served up a mighty veal chop over a prawn salad. Gordon praised the meat's amazing color, but how about the actual taste? "Delicious," Ramsay said. Wow! Somebody was in a good mood. For once, it seemed like Ramsay was choosing the best dish, not the lesser of many evils. It all came down to Virginia and Keith. Who would it be?

"Congratulations to..." Gordon started, and at that point, I fully expected to see an image of a little trident floating in some olive oil or sizzling on a stove, but no! The usual commercial break was nowhere to be found. Gordon revealed that the winner was K-Grease. And guess what? He could take someone along to share the trip to Vegas. Surely he would select Garrett, the guy he had promised to take to any reward. Not necessarily. Keith weighed the options in his head (and we could tell that he was really struggling because he actually put his noggin in a serving dome, perhaps hoping the curvature would somehow assist his decision-making process. That would explain why he wore a mixing bowl to the SATs, but I digress). Well, ultimately Keith chose Garrett? No. Heather? Nope. Virginia? Bingo. Yes, Keith shocked the former blue team by selecting the breast'd one on the basis that her dish came in second place. Apparently when it comes to K-Grease, it's ho's before bros all the way baby. THAT'S JUST HOW HE ROLLS, Y'HEARD!

Well, Virginia was so excited that she honed her inner-Swank and began randomly punching the air. We then cut to Garrett whose face showed the sort of rage you only expect from someone who's had to guard his nether regions for years on end. He was not a happy man. We then went back to Virginia, and good God, she was still punching the air. Calm down, woman! Anyway, Gordon revealed that the losers' punishment was to wrap up the kitchen in plastic in preparation of a fumigation. Sounded tedious but not nearly as awful as last week's delivery truck bonanza. Still, even the lightest task would have pissed Garrett off at this point, and as Keith retreated to the dorms to change, he told Virginia, "Garrett's going to kill me." Literally, he will kill you. Expect a midnight shank.

Anyway, as the losers got to work prepping the place for fumigation, the narrator chimed in with one of his oh-so-clever comments: "Sarah, Garrett and Heather are starting to cover everything in plastic wrap, but Garrett's mind is wrapped up in something else." Nice use of "wrap" parallelism! J-Unit also suggests, "Garrett's having a hard time keeping his anger under WRAPS," and I'd like to put forth, "Garrett's having a hard time dealing with his bum WRAP." Of course, let's not forget the obvious choice, "Garrett's so mad, he could probably write a vicious WRAP song." Just throwing it out there.

Well, Garrett huffed and puffed and stormed out of the kitchen, out to find Keith and possibly ass-rape him. "Nice pick, FRIENDSHIP!" Garrett told his new nemesis.

"No, listen dude," K-Grease protested, but Garrett was prepared for such a response:

"No, listen nothin'! LISTEN NOTHIN'!!!!" Oooh. Well played!

Anyway, the two guys went at it, and Keith profusely apologized, saying he felt so bad he thought he might throw up. And let me tell you, the last thing we want to see is K-Grease barfing. Still, all the apologies in the world weren't enough for the inconsolable Garrett. "I'm so mad. I hope the plane crashes," he sneered. Okay, time to get over it, Garrett.

With anger brewing at the homefront, the two winners flew off to Las Vegas where we got to see K-Grease in all his casual-wear glory. Idiotic would be too kind a word to describe him. I still didn't know how such a buffoon could ever be the executive chef of a casino restaurant, but hey, maybe he would only be in charge of the midnight buffet. Of course, this assumes that he'll win, and sadly, that's seems to be the direction this show is moving in.

Dumb...

And dumber.

As Gordon met up with Keith and Virginia and brought them to the Red Rock kitchen, the losers finished wrapping up the whole kitchen. Ah, but they weren't done with their punishment yet. Scott and Maryanne revealed that the three cooks would be the fumigators. Yes, everyone had to put on special suits and masks and fumigate the night away. Still not as bad as the delivery truck, if you ask me.

Back in Vegas, Albie Colotto -- the architect of the Red Rock casino -- met up with Gordon and his two aspiring chefs, and we could practically see the disappointment on his face when he saw Keith. His phony smile seemed to say "This guy will be cooking in my kitchen??? Fuck that!"

Well, the group walked into the restaurant space, which was merely a ramshackle open room that wasn't even close to completion. That didn't stop Virginia and Keith from marveling "UNBELIEVABLE!!!" as if they had just walked into the Palace of Versailles. We then saw a cheesy fantasy sequence as the two chefs imagined what their dream restaurant would look like. It probably would have helped if both fantasies didn't feature the Hell's Kitchen restaurant. Finally, Gordon bid the two adieu, giving Virginia a kiss on both cheeks and slapping Keith with an aggressive handshake. For whatever reason, this caused Keith to do a little dance and start making slot machine noises. Yes, yes, Keith. We know what slot machines sound like. Now SHUT UP!

Later, Keith and Virginia drove around The Strip, and when they passed the Paris Casino (or "Paree" as the editors phonetically spelled it), Keith yelled out, "Jean Philippe is over there!" Get it? Because he's French! Too bad there's not a Fatass Douchebag Poseur Casino. Then we could yell, "K-Grease is over there!"

At 2:17 AM, the losers finally finished fumigating, and guess what? Garrett was still pissed. Heather told him that she felt uncomfortable when he got mad, and he explained that he would never lay a hand on her. He had already worked through his anger management issues (as evidenced by his cool demeanor this episode." Garrett then said that when he was younger, "I got removed from my home and put in like this youth anger program." He then added, "I think it was called juvey or something? I don't remember."

Later that morning, after everyone had had a restful sleep, the losers sat in their little lounge and waited for the Vegas jerks to return. And guess what? Garrett was STILL pissed. "How's it feel to be fucked over?" he rhetorically asked his buddies -- all the while brandishing a large knife. Seriously, Keith is going to die this episode.

Actually, the two winners returned without incident, and after some general babbling about the Red Rock Hotel and Casino, all the chefs got to work prepping for that evening's dinner service. We knew this could be a rocky night, especially since there were two sets of rivals butting heads in the kitchen: Sara vs. Heather, and Garrett vs. Keith. Oh, and you can't forget Virginia vs. common sense. Well, because K-Grease's veal chops were so damn excellent during the challenge, Ramsay announced that they'd be going on the menu as a special. Keith tried to name it the Cha-Ching Veal (because it's money and dumb), but when he received puzzled looks from JP, he thankfully dropped this idea. Keep in mind that this is the second time this season he's tried to push "Cha-Ching" as an acceptable title. Maybe next time he should try "Bling Bling Beef" or "Flossin' Fish."

As dinnertime approached, Gordon made a very special announcement to his chefs. Tonight, there would be... a twelve-top! Oh no! NOT A TWELVE-TOP! For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, a "twelve-top" is a twelve-person table. The challenge was to have all the appetizers and all the entrees arrive at the same time. A simple task for the Olive Garden. A mammoth challenge for these cooks. I personally felt bad for the twelve-top. They surely were about to have the longest, worst meal of their lives.

Behold the future of American cuisine.

Off the get-go, there were problems with the appetizers. Sara was flipping her scallops too often, causing Gordon to yell, "Sara, if you sauté scallops in a nonstick pan, they won't stick. That's why they call it FUCKING NON-STIIIIIICK!!!" Sadly, mere text does not describe the sheer frustration in Ramsay's voice, manifesting itself in a wondrous falsetto lilt on the word "STIIIIICK!!!" He then barked, "I don't know what nonstick means in Texas, sweetheart, but FUCK ME!!!" To be fair, "nonstick" means "butterflies" in Texas. It's really weird.

"Non-stiiiiick!!!"

Sara wasn't the only one screwing up. Gordon angrily spit out Heather's risotto, seething, "It's bland!" Man, he's a real pussy. I've had bland risotto many a time, and I've never spit it out. I merely eat it angrily, making snippy remarks to my fellow diners, and then of course smiling broadly and saying, "Oh it's great!" when the waiter comes around.

The good news for Heather was that her next batch of risotto was "spot on," and soon, all the diners were enjoying their appetizers, smiles on everyone's faces. Even Gordon seemed happy with the way things were going. We knew this couldn't last long. Sure enough, we then cut to Virginia slaving away with the veggies. She was responsible for twenty different vegetables, and the pressure was getting to be too much. While she struggled at her station, we then headed over to Garrett who appeared to be boiling a chicken or something. Ramsay pestered him about when it would be ready, and eager to impress the chef, Garrett served up the chicken prematurely. Unfortunately, the poultry was still raw, causing Gordon to remark, "You could have killed someone!" And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the much hyped health scare of this week. Intensity defined!

Garrett tried to explain himself, saying he was just trying to be faster, but Gordon chopped him down with a swift and efficient, "SHUT IT!!!" This led to a station swicheroo as Keith took over Garrett's meat station. As you'd expect from K-Grease, he was a master with the meats, making Ramsay very, very happy. Before long, the chefs had served 83 of the 100 entrees. Almost like a real restaurant! Huzzah! Oh, but they weren't in the clear yet. The chefs faced their biggest challenge yet: a dumpy-faced woman with a saggy ass and large boobs.

This woman, who clearly wanted to be on TV, marched up to the hot plate and said, "Excuse me Mr. Ramsay." Gordon asked her to hold tight for just thirty seconds, but no chef was about to get in the way of HER moment in the spotlight. She began pestering Ramsay, asking when her food would be ready. Finally, Gordon asked, "Would you mind taking your breasts off my hot plate?" Oh SNAP! But it wasn't over! "How can I serve food with those shit things there?" he asked, causing another woman nearby to laugh.

Note how delighted Dumpy's friend is.

Well, Dumpy McBoobsalot was not about to take these insults! She took a plate of risotto (or whatever it was) and flipped it over! And even worse, she then threw the entire serving tray off the hot plate! SECURITY!!! Luckily, this lady required no official escort. She proudly strutted out of the restaurant and conveniently, the overhead camera was able to look right down her cleavage. Consider yourself famous, not-so-young lady!

Just when things couldn't get any more hectic, guess who walked in? That's right. TWELVE TOP. Yes, twelve middle-aged women waltzed into the dining room, ready to celebrate a bachelorette party. This could only lead to obnoxious chaos. I envisioned twelve drunk women groping the waiters and letting out randy shrieks of joy. This of course would turn to bitter belligerence over the course of the night, culminating with one woman yelling, "Cindy, you're such a slut. We all know you've been sleeping with Peter! WHORE!" The good news was that things never got that bad with these ladies. The bad news was that Jean Philippe was quickly lured into their web of horniness. He seemed alternately excited and horrified -- as any man usually is when they encounter a bachelorette party.

Meanwhile, inside the kitchen, Sara offered up five large scallops to Ramsay. However, she claimed they were medium, not large, causing Gordon to hand her a towel and say "Clean your glasses." Sara laughed it off -- point well taken, chef -- but he was serious. "CLEAN YOUR FUCKING GLASSES!!!!" he yelled. MUST... ILLUSTRATE... POINT!!!!

Luckily, the specter of the ominous twelve-top didn't derail the kitchen. Sara and Heather served up their twelve appetizers, and in an unimaginable feat, they all passed muster. Ramsay thanked the women, and Heather told us, "Every time Chef thanks me, I get all giddy inside." Shut up, you DONKEY.

Well, with the kitchen heading towards a completed dinner service, the narrator said, "Virginia and Garrett have a chance to redeem themselves with their entrees." Yeah, that probably won't happen. Moments later, Gordon called out, "Carrots?" To which Garrett replied, "Yes, Chef?"

"Carrots I said. Not Garrett," Ramsay barked. So much for that whole redemption thing.

As for Virginia, Ramsay asked her where some vegetable was, and she said that she was just working on finishing up the tortellini. One problem: there was no tortellini on the order, DONKEY! "Listen, you stupid fucking fat mouth bitch!" Gordon screamed. He then slammed the counter and had one of this standard RamsayFits. Memo to self: never mention tortellini around Gordon.

Chef Ramsay then turned his wrath towards JP, who had been wasting too much time with the twelve-top ladies. "What are you trying to do?" Gordon asked. "Lose your virginity?" JP then laughed uncomfortably and replied, "Well, yes, actually." Okay, he didn't say that. JP merely gave Gordon his patented blank-faced expression. Nevertheless, despite the tortellini issues and the wandering maitre d', the kitchen managed to serve its last table successfully, and all under three hours! Yay! They're gonna catch up to you, Applebees!

Hercules! Hercules!

Later, Chef Ramsay praised the team for putting in their best performance yet, but then he chastised them for not working as a team. He called Sara "feisty," labeled Heather inconsistent, bashed Garrett for his poor meat service, and told Virginia that she had put herself "in the shit." Keith was the only one who emerged unscathed. Chalk another victory up to K-Grease! As the reigning master chef of the group, Keith then was charged with the responsibility of nominating two people. "If you send me up there, I swear to God..." Garrett told him.

"You're in," Keith replied. Translation: your ass is grass, prison boy.

Keith then talked to Sara and Virginia about who they thought should go up, and they gave the standard excuses. It wasn't very interesting; so let's just get to the noms. Keith selected Virginia (again, of course), and then... COMMERCIAL! Of course! And by the way, the little "We're cutting to commercial!" graphic was really lame this time. Normally they're awesome, but this one had a guy chopping a mushroom, and oh look! A mushroom slice shaped like a trident just happens to fall out. Lame.

Anyway, back to the show. The second nominee was... GARRETT. Hahah, sucker. Should have shanked him while you had the chance...

Well, Garrett made an urgent plea to Ramsay, saying "I promise you that my next performance will be my best." He then said he was foaming at the mouth for this opportunity. Is that really a good thing for a chef -- to be foaming at the mouth? Probably not. I mean, not even sweat-bag Tom foamed.

Virginia then told Ramsay, "Yeah, I've made mistakes, and yeah I've embarrassed myself, but I still want to keep trying." Doesn't she say that every week? She should just bear her breasts and say, "Seriously, Chef. You can't deny these funbags."

Well, it finally was time for someone to be cut. Ramsay took a deep breath and said, "Virginia." And so her ride finally came to an end. We knew her luck would eventually run out and-- WAIT! I spoke too soon! Ramsay finished his sentence by saying, "You're staying." That's right, Garrett was out! And no one was more surprised than Garrett himself! Gordon said he just could not get over the raw chicken incident, and with that, the former prison chef turned in his coat and walked out. I was surprised. I thought for sure Gordon would give him a little pep talk like he did for Rachel, Maribel, and Elsie last season. But no. The chef was silent, clearly still disgusted about the chicken.

Back to the ol' prison rape.

This meant that we were down to our final four. Keith noted, "Now I'm the only dude left. Just K-Grease and the bitches!" Incidentally, that's also the name of his underground mixtape. I have five copies. Sara then chimed in and told us, "I'm a lover, not a fighter, but seriously, I'm not a fuckin' doormat." And from the looks of it, you're not much of a chef either.

My prediction: Virginia's luck runs out next week. What did you think? Did Ramsay make the right choice?

Posted by at 1:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (33)

We're a little more than halfway throught the latest season of The 4400 and I am sort of wondering where all of the Science Fiction geeks have gone on TVgasm. You shouldn't feel like you have to speak Klingon or have your own parking space at Comic-Con to enjoy a shows like this. I know I have been late with my recaps, but one comment? It's not THAT obsucre and it's not like I'm reviewing old DVDs of Dr. Who or something (no, I really don't like the new series that much if you have to ask). So, even if you don't watch the show, leave a comment and say you like boobies or something. It will make you feel better, and convince me I should spend two or three hours writing the recaps.

Now that my little pity party is over, we can back to the show which, as I have been saying, is actually pretty good. This week had something for everybody: drugs, arranged marriage, and, wait for it....Brian Dennehy!

The episode begins with a girl being chased by somebody on the roof of a building. The guy that is chasing her is calling her Erica, and is telling her that he doesn't want to hurt her, which is exactly the type of thing a psychopath says before he kills you and then wears your ears as a necklace. At this point, I am trying to figure out whether Erica, or this guy, who she calls Uncle Patrick, is the 4400. Whatever it is, Erica says that she is not going to let him touch her, and decides to jump off the roof of the building.

That's going to leave a mark

Tom and Diana show up at the crime scene, but are kind of confused why they were called by the DEA when there were no 4400 involved. As they get there, Tom thanks Diana for some cookies that she had delivered to his house, which is funny because she didn't send him any cookies, and was about to thank him for the cookies that he sent to her place.

Shrugging it off, the two of them learn why they were called in. The girl had a new drug in her called blink. It's the third suicide of a blink user in the last couple of weeks, which is not out of the ordinary, except that blink has been discovered to have traces of promycin(the thing that gives the 4400 their power). It's a powerful hallucinogen, and people see things I guess they don't want to see. For Erica, it was her uncle, who has been in prison for more than twelve years.

As Tom and Diana are leaving, Tom sees his father (played by Brian Dennehy!), who has been dead for nine years. But how could that be? Well, Tom did eat a cookie, and suddenly it's clear. Somebody wanted to get at Tom and Diana and gave them these cookies; at least that is what Tom thinks. Diana had a cookie, and she feels fine. She decides to take Tom to NTAC medical, where they find nothing wrong with him. And since promycin is so new, the toxicology screen doesn't show anything. They can't say how long it's going to last, but just to safe, Jarvis puts Tom and Diana on two day medical leave just in case.

Last time, Shawn decided that he was going to take one for the team, and have a relationship with Isabelle. I really wish that he would stop acting like it's some kind of forced label. So he gets to have sex with a girl who is smoking hot! Where do I sign up for that torture? He goes to a few meetings during the day, heals some sick people, then has some sex a couple of times that night (probably once in the morning), and that is all. Sure he is going to need to make sure he has plenty of ginseng around, but he's gotta be thanking his lucky stars that he is forced to have sex with the most powerful woman on the planet now when Isabelle is around, and not twenty years ago when Maggie Thatcher held that crown. Just writing that sentence makes me want to look at some porn just to get that last image out of my head.

Shawn is going through the motions, so to speak, but while other parts of his body may be "into it", his heart is not. Even Isabelle can see that there is something off about his performance, and Shawn confesses that whatever they had between them is now lost. Luckily, Isabelle knows exactly what will create that spark. Marriage! Wow, now things are getting a little deep. Having sex to save the world is one thing, but marriage? He's been getting the milk for free for so long, so why would he EVER think about buying the cow?

The only answer is to bring in some help, and the only person that listens to Isabelle even a little bit is Richard. The two of them try to "nip this thing in the bud", but honestly, what can they do? When Isabelle wants something, she usually gets it. She not only wants to be with Shawn, but believes that it is her destiny to be with Shawn. Isabelle says that they have to change their thinking. It's an arranged marriage between the two most powerful people on the planet. The future wants them to be together, so they will be together.

In the meantime, Diana had her first hallucination. His name was Josh Sandler, a person she hasn't seen in eleven years. She is talking with Marco about it a little bit later and reveals that she had been engaged to Josh, but broke it off. Poor Marco, he knows that Tom is seeing his father, so if Diana saw her ex, it must mean that she is thinking about him a lot, even though this is the first time he has heard about it.

As for Tom, things are starting to get worse. His father is back, and it looks like he wants to stick around. Even worse, he wants to talk. To me, this is pretty good. Don't forget that three people committed suicide by seeing people in their past, so having Brian Dennehy ask you for some conversation, while sort of annoying, isn't THAT bad.

The next day, Tom and Diana get together to discuss their problem, and figure that spending their off days trying to solve the case is better than sitting around waiting for people that they can't stand to come and talk to them. Diana goes to visit the delivery service, while Tom follows a lead having to do with suicide girl Erica.

Diana finds their delivery driver, and I am really surprised that they haven't done a background check on him to see if he was a 4400 or related to one, but apparently this guy didn't pique their interest. What they did get was an address where this kid picked up the cookie, but the case was just about to be blow wide open.

Tom decided to let his father join him on the investigation, and his father, an old beat cop, spotted the suspected blink dealer, and Tom brought him in for questioning, but that was not the big scoop. No, Jarvis found a woman, Naomi Bonderman, who believes that she is responsible for everything.

Naomi Bonderman is an older woman, and she is definitely not part of some anti-government group. In fact, she's just a grandmother who likes to make her family fried chicken. A while ago, she figured out her hands secreted some sort of oil, and if anybody touched it, they would see somebody from their past. Naomi saw her sister, and although they fought a lot, they were able to hash out a bunch of things that they never go to before she died.

One day, Naomi touched her mailman, who had a hallucination, so she started wearing gloves. And then there was the fried chicken. The only time Naomi doesn't wear gloves is when she is gardening, and she uses fresh herbs from her garden to make the fried chicken. One day, she had her family over, and they all at fried chicken, and, well you can guess the rest.

Naomi noticed that one day, all of her herbs were gone, and she feels really badly about everything that happened. The people she knew had all been able to use the hallucinations as some sort of therapy, but these deaths are something she hadn't even imagined. I imagine that she discovered perhaps the greatest way to ingest drugs ever. You eat the fried chicken, which is laced with "herbs", and when the stuff kicks in, you already have food to take care of the munchies. No more late night trips for KFC or Taco Bell!

To say that Isabelle has been moving a little faster than Shawn would have liked is an understatement, but even worse, she's starting to work on the parents. That's right, Isabelle went over to Shawn's mom to tell her about the engagement. Not knowing that Isabelle is, you know, a murderer and capable of, you know, destroying the planet, Shawn's mom was very happy. In fact, the only thing she was upset about was having to learn that Shawn was getting engaged from the fiancée and not Shawn himself.

Shawn is more than a little worried that Isabelle has met his mom, although he clearly shouldn't be upset. There are a lot worse things that can happen when your mom meets your fiancée, and it looks like Shawn doesn't have to worry about most of them, besides the embarrassing baby photos of course. When he gets Isabelle home, he says that she has to cut off the marriage, and if she gets mad and wants to hurt him so be it. It's tough talk, but again it doesn't faze Isabelle. She explains a little bit of her mission to Shawn, and says that if she loses him, she might make the wrong choice, and she feels that Shawn is the only one who can stop her.

After learning from Naomi that the key getting rid of your blink demons is actually dealing with them, Tom and Diana tried a slightly different approach to dealing with their hallucinations. The delivery boy takes Diana to the place where he supposedly picked up the cookies that he was going to deliver. The address is an empty building with nothing inside. Seriously, how dumb can Diana be? She believes the kid when he says that there was some guy who met him there that he can't remember, and she lets him go. While there, Diana gets another visit from Josh. When she sees him, she finally admits that losing him has affected her relationships, and that seems to make him go away.

Although Diana was slightly clueless, Tom managed to get a little more overt evidence. He was looking through Naomi's herb garden like some sort of trail guide who inspects bear droppings and then tells you how many pinecones it ate that morning. Tom's dad decided to follow him on the investigation, and they are finally getting somewhere. Tom's dad apologized for being a drunk bastard, but that is not why Tom' was hallucinating about him. The real reason for Tom's dad's appearance was to talk about the death of the elder Baldwin. When Tom's dad was sick and dying in the hospital, Tom missed his final moments. His dad always wondered what happened, and at first Tom said that he missed it because he was in Baltimore on a case for the FBI and missed his plane, but then admitted that it was a lie. Before he got a chance to talk anymore, Tom sees the evidence he has been looking for. Naomi has a picture of her grandson Randy, who Tom recognizes as the delivery boy who has been eluding Diana in plain sight for the last couple of days.

Tom meets Diana at Randy's place, but he is not there. They see he has made a batch of cookies, but have no clue what he wants to do with them. Diana goes upstairs to investigate, and once again, Josh is there to speak with her. Simply admitting that she had issues with Josh is not enough for him. He says that she needs to stop protecting herself because she is scared of commitment. All of her relationships since Josh have been with people she knows she has no future with. They might do anything for her, but there is no chemistry, and that includes Marco. Going on like she does is not fair to her and not fair to them.

It's tough for Diana to take this, but in the midst of all of this, she finds some evidence. As she goes downstairs, Tom is just finishing another visit from his father. Tom said that the reason he didn't visit his dad in the hospital was because he felt like they had fought so much that he wouldn't want to have him around in his final moments. Tom's dad says the normal "Your are my son and I love you" type of stuff, and then says, "You weren't right about that, just like you weren't right about.." and then they cut us off. UGH! I hate it when that happens. I am assuming that he is talking about Tom's son, Kyle. Kyle was sent to prison for his role in Jordan Collier's death, and Tom said he hadn't visited because he is trying to give Kyle space.

Anyway, the big news that Diana found was Randy kept a detailed list of all of the people that he drugged, and in this binder there was a flyer for a local food festival, where it looks like Randy was going to display his wares. Diana and Tom make it to the food festival in enough time to stop Randy, but not before several people had a chance to eat the cookies. NTAC is called, the people who ate the cookies will get shrinks, and it looks like the problem is solved. But why did Randy do it? Just like his grandmother, Randy believed that being able to face your problems was a gift. He gave the cookies to Tom and Diana as a gift because they saved his grandmother from death when they found out about the promycin drug.

If it really was supposed to be a gift, it looked like it worked. Diana invited Marco over, and it looks like she was going to break up with him. They make it sound like his heart would be broken, and they didn't show the actual act, maybe because it would be too much for us to watch all of his hopes and dreams of a marriage to somebody who doesn't own a replica light saber, but let's think about this. Marco had a relationship with a woman who was less than 5% plastic (I'm guessing Diana didn't have too much plastic surgery, but you never know) and he didn't need to inflate. That, my friends, is what we call progress. Now he needs to do what the rest of us guys do and find a girl who is too young to know that she is too good for him. That should give him at least another month of actual human contact. It might not replace Diana, but at least it will weaken the blow.

As for Tom, he's surprised with another visit from his dad, but this time, it's only to say goodbye. Before his dad can leave, Tom once again changes his story. The real reason why he wasn't at his father's bedside was because he didn't want to be in that hospital room watching his father die. He wasn't trying to protect his father, but was trying to protect himself. After that admission, it seems like Tom's father is done with what he needs to do, but Tom, still feeling lonely, asks him to stay a little while and talk a little more. It's nice that he got to reconcile with his father, but on the whole, I would rather see Karina Lombard and not Brian Dennehy at the Baldwin house.

When Isabelle started talking about how she was supposed to bring the apocalypse and whatnot, Shawn got a little worried. He spoke to Richard, but what was Richard going to do? It's not like he was going to kill his daughter over an "alleged" genocide. Shawn can understand why Richard might not want to hurt Isabelle, but that doesn't mean that Shawn has to sit around and wait for the world to end before he takes some action. That night, he walks into Isabelle's room, and while she's sleeping, he tries to do that reverse heal thing that he does. It looks like it is working, and the life is literally escaping from Isabelle, but we know that the only thing that can kill her is that syringe that Matt and Tom have.

Isabelle wakes up, and I think that it's going to be the end of Shawn. Never having been engaged, I was silly enough to think that trying to kill your betrothed is something that would cancel a wedding. For Isabelle, she looked like she was a little upset with Shawn, but as he sits down, dejected that he didn't kill her, she says, "I guess we're going to get married after all."

I liked this week's episode, but there is so much that we are waiting on, I think we could get more. Where is Ryland this week? Still handcuffed to his truck? It looks like we are going to finally get an update on Dr. Berkhoff next at least though. I have to admit that I was kind of sad to see Diana break up with Marco, but something tells me that won't be the end of these two. Maybe h was a little bit of a pushover, and maybe I am a little naive in thinking that they made a good pair, but I think Diana would rather rob the cradle than have to break off her engagement two weeks before the wedding again.

What did you think of this episode?

Posted by at 11:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (21)

Which one of the pictures above is not Hell's Kitchen contestant K-Grease?

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 10:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Big shocker on this week's Making the Band. You might want to sit down before I reveal it. Okay, here it comes: one of the girls had trouble singing in the studio! I know, I know. Try to take a moment to let it sink in. It's hard to believe, but once again, our half hour of drama focused on Aubrey struggling to hit all the right notes for the producers. This meant she had to dig down deep and really pull out all the stops. Well, that's probably what she would have liked to have done... had the record producers not kicked her off the track. Oh snap! Aubrey done lost her chance!

This week's show started off with sultry, sumptuous images of South Beach as the girls frolicked in the sun. "Have a good time! Enjoy yourselves, ladies!" Diddy yelled from the studio, adding, "And get me a cheesecake while you're at it." You know, if you think about it -- two things we've learned about Diddy from the past few seasons of this show is that he loves cheesecake and he loves Miami. Dare I ask it: is Diddy the long-lost, black Golden Girl? I can almost see him cozying up to Dorothy Zbornak and Blanche Devereaux, maybe receiving a pointed barb from Sophia.

Anyway, the girls of this band (which we know is now called Danity Kane or something dumb like that -- although, it hasn't been officially released on the show) pranced around the beach like a tiny heard of ponies, and the ever mousy Aundrea explained to us, "We need a little fun in our lives!" Of course, for her, that means running around in a little, metal wheel for hours on end, but that's neither here nor there.

Dawn echoed her bandmate's sentiment by saying, "The most important rule is always, always, always have fun." How true. And we'll see just how long the fun lasts. (If you're guessing "not long at all," we're on the same wavelength.)

Speaking of fun, we then saw Aubrey waltzing down a street in South Beach, and as usual, she was showing off all her assets. One person even randomly asked her, "Do you model?" She laughed it off as if the kid was crazy (clearly she had forgotten about that Maxim shoot she did last season) and then wandered into a boutique where she tried on the skimpiest, most provocative bikinis in all of Florida. A little later, when the girls were all partying at a club, Aubrey then told us, "My biggest challenge in this group is going to be fighting against the misconceptions of who I am." She then added, "For instance, because I'm in a singing group, people have this misconception that I can sing. I don't know why they think that." Okay, she didn't say that, but she did complain, "I always get to play the 'sexy' role." Yeah, why does she always have to be just the sexy one? It's not like she spends all day trying on scandalous bathing suits and stuff. Oh wait...

We then headed over to the Sagamore hotel where Aundrea was on the phone with her music industry boyfriend, Rudy. Keep in mind that this was the same guy that Diddy warned was a rat. Well, the two had a sweet, if not dreadfully boring, conversation, and as they talked, Aundrea alerted us that they'd been together for two years. How lovely. By the way, I had meatloaf last night. What? I thought we were all sharing things that no one cared about.

Anyway, a few minutes with AundRudy, and we could already tell there was trouble in mousy paradise. "You sound like you're drunk," Rudy told his girlfriend at one point. Yes, he was one of those. Mmmm... I love the smell of co-dependency in the morning. Luckily, before we could be totally put to sleep, we left these two and headed into the studio where Diddy reminded us the clock was ticking. He wanted an album in stores by late August, dammit! Just in time for the season finale! Yay synergy! By the way, I'll be posting a full CD review once it "drops."

Well, for today's adventure in pop R&B, the girls would be working with Brian Cox. No, not the guy from the Bourne Identity movies (and everything else). This Brian Cox was a young black man who was a super producer and worked with Usher and stuff. By the way, just thinking out loud, who else would love to see a movie where Brian Cox and Brian Cox switch bodies? I'm there opening day.

The Brian Coxes.

Tonight's big project would be working on a ballad called, "Right For You." I immediately groaned, mostly in anticipation of dumb parallels between the song and Aundrea's love life. Well, all the girls got in the booth, and one after another, they knocked it out of the park. Audrea, Shannon, Dawn, D. Woods -- they all were en fuego tonight! But then there was Aubrey. The "sexy one." She had a major problem: she sucked. Try as she did, she simply could not get into the emotions of the song. It was total and complete disaster. Danity Kane would be RUINED! Eventually, Brian Cox yanked her out of the booth, and just when Aubrey was feeling totally worthless, guess who walked in? That's right. Diddy (who was bizarrely dressed as Where's Waldo, but that's a whole other issue entirely).

Sure enough, Diddy liked everyone, but when it came to Aubrey, he commented, "She's trying to sing. She can't be trying to sing. You can't do that, Ma. Y'all gots to flow! Y'all gots to flow!" I feel like there's a really naughty menstruation joke in here somewhere, but I just can't seem to get it.

Anyway, Diddy gave Aundrea further cryptic advice, saying, "You gots to freak this shit!" and ultimately, "I gotta cry when I hear this shit!" Don't you worry, Diddy. You will be crying. Oh how the tears of Diddy shall flow! It'll be like a thousand boom-cats rolled into one. Okay, I'm not even making sense anymore.

Where's Diddy?

After the commercial break, we found Aundrea talking to Rudy on the phone, but bitch was gettin' in the way of Fox's action Mondays! Rudy was literally trying to watch Prison Break, and no girlfriend was going to get in the way of that. Yeah, feel the burn, Aundrea. You just lost out to Wentworth Miller. Dreamy, dreamy Wentworth Miller with his piercing eyes and prominent widow's peak. Swooooon.

Aundrea then went out to the balcony and talked to Shannon about the whole situation, painting her toe-nails all along, which was appropriate because this conversation was just about as exciting as watching paint dry. The two talked about how the industry is hard on relationships and just hard in general. "I don't see half the people out there surviving it," Shannon said. Don't get your hopes up either, pretty young thang.

Back at the studio, the girls listened back to the ballad they recorded the other night. The way it was supposed to go was that Aubrey and Aundrea would share the first verse, singing alternate lyrics back and forth. However, what they discovered was that Aubrey had been dropped from the song entirely. Oops! Kind of makes sense though. Usually music producers like their singers to be able to, you know, sing.

Well, Aubrey was understandably sad, and Dawn commented, "She's really hurt about it, and I understand because I know that would be a feeling that I would feel if it was me." If it was you? Bitch, you nearly got cut out of a song last week. Don't act like you be bowling them over! And yes, I do turn into a woman named Shaniqua when I watch this show.

The girls then got to work on a new Brian Cox song called "Handle Me," and surprise, surprise! It was the opening credits theme song! Their big number! And guess what? Aubrey wasn't going to be singing on it either. Haha. She's arguably the star of the show, and yet she doesn't get to sing in the opening credits. Oh the cruel fate of the sexy one! Maybe she should wear a sexy outfit around the studio instead of those dumpy overalls. Eh, I guess that's sexual harassment; so never mind.

Well, Aubrey left the studio to cry in the parking lot, and Dawn (or was it D. Woods? I couldn't tell) went out to console her. I couldn't get a clear view because the camera man inexplicably spent the entire scene hiding behind various vehicles, lest he ruin the "realness" of the moment. Nevertheless, Aubrey cried, "Everyone else is getting stuff except for me!" She then bawled about not doing anything and being sent home from the group. "I could do 'pretty, pretty Aubrey' somewhere else," she moaned. Yeah, like at a strip bar! She don't need this "Diddy" fella, whoever he was.

Later, Aubrey returned to the studio but told us, "I feel like I can't live as a true artist, and I can't express myself the way I want to." Oh cruel world! How could you repress the beacon of sheer talent and artistry that is Aubrey? She's more than a pretty face! She's more than a musician! She is an ARTIST, DAMMIT!

Sensing that her friend was feeling down in the dumps. Dawn went and talked to the group's manager, Johnny Wright (the same man who last season seemed to be holding the Backstreet Boys captive in his walk in closet). He reminded her that ultimately, it was the producers' album and their call. If they didn't like Aubrey's voice, then there wasn't much he could do. Dawn then replied, "I agree with everything you're saying, but I'm also her sister too." And of course, the producers added an extra flash or flair to the screen when Dawn said "sister," just in case we were too dumb to realize she had said something really supportive and nice. A great drinking game would be taking a shot every time the producers made the screen flash. I can imagine the girls going to a restaurant and asking what dressings came with the salad:

Waitress: "We have ranch [FLASH!], thousand island [FLASH!], balsamic [FLASH!], bleu cheese [FLASH FLASH!], and Italian [FLAAASH!]"

Aundrea: "Do you have French? [mini flash]"

Wiatress: "No, I'm sorry. [BIG FLASH, followed by a BOOM, leading into slow motion and black and white]"

Well, sensing that he had to nip this Aubrey problem in the bud, Johnny gathered the girls all around and said that while it might be tough and frustrating, a producer's decision did not necessarily reflect the quality of singing. Sometimes, a person's tonality just isn't what the big guys are looking for. With that, Aubrey began to feel better -- she wasn't a bad singer after all! She just didn't have the right tone! You know, her unique "can't hit the notes" tone doesn't work with every song, and that's OKAY.

Meanwhile, Aundrea decided to call her boyfriend again, but horror of horrors: she got his voicemail! Oh, how awful! Is there anything more cruel and heartbreaking than reaching someone's voicemail???? What's next? She'll IM someone and get... an away message?

Back in the studios, hefty songwriter Pooh Bear returned to add a few touches and elements to that Scott Storch song from last week. He called Aubrey into the booth, and guess what? She redeemed herself! I personally thought she sounded worse than on the ballad, but Pooh liked it, and if it's good enough for Pooh, it's good enough for me. Anyway, Aubrey was in the zone -- as best evidenced by her quick-moving finger dancing -- and when she emerged from the booth, she realized that she could excel at one song and not be right for another. Yay life lessons! Aubrey has a place again!

We then watched as the whole team listened back to the song, and I'm sorry, I just had to get this off my chest. He may be incredibly talented and amazing and an awesome person, but Scott Storch looked totally idiotic. He reminded me of every dorky kid who wanted to be cool. The sunglasses, the chains, the jersey -- just drop it dude. Embrace your inner L. L. Bean.

Seriously...

If it makes Scott feel any better, however, I will say this -- and this is very hard for me to say -- the stupid song they were all listening to... it had grown on me. Yes, I feel great shame in admitting it, but I can't help it! I've been inculcated!

Later, Aundrea tried yet again to reach Rudy, and the good news for her was that she didn't get stuck with voicemail. The bad news was that Rudy clearly didn't have the time for her. "I have to get back to this," Rudy said, adding, "24 is on, dammit!" Okay, he didn't say that, but his brusque attitude caused Aundrea to cry. "Can you be my boyfriend now?" she asked, trying to keep her composure.

"Drea, I have people inside waiting for me," he replied. Dammit, woman! They have to watch Law & Order: Criminal Intent! Have you no decency?

And on this sorrowful note, the show ended. Oh my goodness! What will happen with these two? And will we ever care? Probably not. What did you think about this episode?

Posted by at 3:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (25)

So what has Janice Dick gotten her models into this week? Well, I guess any day when Janice is twisting off the head of a kitten is a good day at the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency - so everyone can breathe a sigh of relief. Or of boredom. When Janice's crazy-osity levels are low I find myself bored. As much as I cringe for poor, sweet Nate (Janice's put-upon marble-mouthed teenage son) when his mother is prancing around a water fountain ruining a couture dress because she was overwhelmed by the La Dolce Vita-ness of it all (La Dolce Vita? Or, maybe, The First Wives Club?), I'm much more entertained than when she is being (by Janice standards) well-behaved. Sadly, despite a Mrs. Benet-type stage mom, a national commercial audition and and eye-patched Janice looking like a slightly less gay Capt. Jack Sparrow, I found this installment of Janice faux-reality exploits a little lackluster. Find out why after the jump.

1-800-Dentist is looking for some Janice Dick models for their two national television commercials. Four roles will be cast to stand around and look pretty, while one role will have lines to speak. Acting might be a problem for some of these models, because it's never been made clear that models can actually read. Oh stop! They good to be physical specimens, I get to be bitter about it. Those are the rules.

Enter Fred Joyal, CEO of 1-800-Dentist, and his casting director Kim. The first thing I look at is their teeth, because if the CEO of 1-800-Dentist doesn't have perfect teeth, I don't know who will. Ehh, I'm not impressed. Fred is a marketing genius, because he casts himself in most of his commercials. You know, kind of like the way M. Night Shyamalan casts himself in an integral role in all of his movies. Except, the 1-800-Dentist commercials make sense. And don't suck.

Janice lines all the models up outside and starts picking them to shreds one by one. You're not groomed! You need to wipe the sleep out of your eyes! You need to vomit up your breakfast! Janice is tired - tired of having to be General Janice Dick. In one of the most surreal moments yet in this portrayal of insanity, Janice asks what it says on the door! WHAT DOES IT SAY ON THE DOOR! Out of fear that Janice's face could peel off at any minute, the models murmur: "Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency! Sir, yes, Sir!" She's a weird twist between Joan Crawford in the "No wire hangers" scene in Mommies Dearest and Simone in Dazed and Confused ("Fry piggish!"). She specifically singles out Tony, for his unclean skin and sends him to the store for DermaBlend, which the formerly obese guy thinks is the newest shake at Baskin Robbins.

The auditions come and go without much fuss. Tall, thin and gorgeous Grayce is adorable, and Marcus is a little too thuggish. Least surprising of all, Sorin doesn't really nail the script reading. Why is Janice doing this to him? Shouldn't she know by now that the Romanian Muscle God is meant to be seen and not heard? The exact opposite of Umnata, as a matter of fact. Tony, zits and all, nails the reading, and gets the coveted National Commercial acting gig. For the look, but don't speak commercial Fred and Kim pick: Natalie, Grayce, Paul (still buff, still balding) and Andrew, who last week got his hair cut like the newest member of a Flock of Seagulls cover band to look more edgy, much to his dismay.

Janice doesn't have time to worry about the 1-800-Model nonsense, because she's packing up for a weekend in Vegas for Model Search America. Peter is really into it - When he hears model search, he hears "Peter Hamm Casting Couch Audition 2006". Wink, wink. Janice, clearly having a lucid day, doesn't want to go because she thinks it will be cheesy. What about the words Las Vegas and Model Search America sounds cheesy, Janice? Oh. Wait. All of it.

The morning of the big event Janice wakes up and there is something wrong with her eye. It's swollen shut. Sadly there are no infants in the area for Janice to suck the blood out of so she has to go to the emergency room. Meanwhile, Peter is running around looking for anyone gay enough to be part of Janice's posse. Finally, he bumps into Nate and the gang, and they tell him all about Janice's condition. Peter wonders if it's critical, to which Nathan says, "Rrrs, ashih, garble, garble, turtle." I rewind my DVR and turn on the Closed Captioning and apparently Nathan said that his mother couldn't even open her eye. And that he has figured cured cancer.

Janice finally makes it to the Model Search cornea scratched and eye patch on. Janice and Peter agree to work on their communication skills, since Peter had no idea where she was all morning. For the second time in as many weeks, when Janice is backed into a corner she lies like a fifteen year old girl whose parents found a beer can in her car. "It all happened so fast," she exclaims, even though we saw her waiting outside the ER for a few hours.

Janice enters the room, and there is a genuine roar from the crowd for her. I'll lay my cynicism aside, and say that the producers didn't get the crowd all riled up. It's nice that people are excited about Janice Dick, besides me and J-Unit.

So here's how things work at Model Search America. The potential models/future porn stars are rushed past the desks of the various modeling agencies. If the agency likes them, they write the pot-mod number down to see them again at callbacks the next day. Janice sees a lot of No, no, nos, but Peter sees a lot of potential. No, not for the Janice Dick Modeling Agency, but for his own personal collection of Girls with Low Self-Esteem videos. That is until Janice gets an eyeful (get it!?!? Eyeful! Try the veal!) of 16-year-old Brittany, who is truly stunning.

The next day Janice is waiting around for Peter at the callbacks, but he's busy getting an underage girl to sign a waiver of his own. He shows up late and they get into the first (but certainly not the last) fight. It's actually not their real first fight, but the first fight Peter has with this particular one of Janice's personalities. They take a time-out. Peter should try this mantra: 3-2-1, 1-2-3 what the heck is bothering me? If it's enough to calm down Carl Winslow, it's certainly good enough for Peter Hamm. They meet back up, make nice, and get on with it. The only person of note that they are checking out is Brittany, and her scary Stage Mom. Brittany's mother claims to not be a stage mom, but that's after she tells Janice that she's a dancer and that they should hang out sometime. Here's the test (just like Probie's on Rescue Me), if you have to claim you are NOT a stage mom, chances are, you ARE a stage mom. Regardless, it was all worth it because Brittany is amazing.

Oh don't worry, we haven't forgotten about the 1-800-Dentist commercial. You know something is going to go wrong, because before this we get to see Tony explain to us in detail about how much he needs this job. That's like the reality show equivalent of someone checking out a spooky noise in a dark basement of a horror movie.

It's already an hour late and two of the models haven't shown up yet. Of course the ladies are on time and already getting fitted for their best teeth exposing outfits. Also on time is no nonsense Paul. That leaves Flock of Andrew and Tony. Tony has the most to lose, since his role has actual lines. Fred is not someone to be messed with and tells Kim to recast Tony's role. Amazingly, just as they are getting ready to call in Sorin to take over the speaking part Tony and Flock of Andrew show up claiming that they were lost. But here they are and all is good in the world!

It's really interesting to see how these low-tech, laughable commercials get made. Paul, Grayce, Natalie and Flock of Andrew do their best smiling with Fred front and center, for the Da Vinci Smile. Da Vinci smile? What is that? Does that mean that the product will be insanely popular, but actually utterly useless? Might want to look into a name change Fred. The editing on Tony's commercial shoot is done to make us believe that Tony is about to get fired at any minute. In actuality, all though he did mess up, I'm sure it wasn't as bad as we were meant to believe. To that end, Fred calls Janice to tell her how pleased he is with how the shoot went! Smiles all around.

So that was this week's lame adventures of Janice Dick. Next week it looks like she butts horns with a lady at Virgin records over turning her models into whores. Now, that is the Janice Dick that I know and love.

Posted by Umnata at 1:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Some time has passed since we saw Lex Luthor get stuck by a needle by the liquid Kryptonian robot guy who was once the professor and now I guess is Brainiac. The injection left Lex with superpowers comparable with that of Clark's and the final scene left his fate as rather uncertain. How will Lex behave with his new powers? What does the future hold for Smallville's baddest baddy?

Thanks to an anonymous source close to production at the CW (formerly WB), TVgasm has exclusive footage of how Lex Luthor copes with his new abilities. With powers so great he can do anything his heart desires....all he ever wanted to do was sing!

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 11:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

• After being found guilty of tax evasion earlier this year, Survivor winner Richard Hatch has been sent to an Oklahoma jail. His lawyer says "It's bad for Richard, who is an outdoor person." Threat of constant butt-rape? Not so bad. But the indoor confines? HORRENDOUS! [AP]


• Tina Fey and Rachel Dratch will be leaving Saturday Night Live to focus on their new sitcom, 30 Rock. This means SNL will be in the capable hands of such vets as Horatio Sanz and Seth Myers. In other news, SNL has now become the worst show EVER.


• The Television Critics Awards honor Grey's Anatomy (program of the year), Lost (best achievement in drama), The Office (best achievement in comedy), and My Name is Earl (best new program), among others. Strangely enough, Hope & Faith edges out Flavor of Love in the Best Achievement in Skanky Ho's category. [AP]


• At a recent Madonna concert, a pack of rabid fans rushed to the front row, effectively blocking the view of a wheelchair-bound man. Luckily, Leonardo DiCaprio swooped in and asked the handicapped concert-goer, "Why don't you come sit with me, and I'll just move over?" Yes, a celebrity shows basic common courtesy, and it qualifies as news. [New York Post]


• And in case you didn't hear, Rob and Amber have a new reality show that will air on the Fox Reality network. The series will follow Rob's attempts to become a professional poker player while Amber "does her best to be supportive in the risky venture." The show is tentatively titled, Ambah, Pokah, and Othah Wicked Awesome Things. [Variety]

Posted by at 9:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (15)

Coming into tonight's episode of Big Brother, I was optimistic that new Head of Household James would right the wrongs that Kaysar had committed last week. Surely "Chill Town" would finally find itself on the hot seat, forcing Dr. Will and his loyal sidekick / hetero life-mate Mike Boogie to sweat a bit. But then again, that's sort of what we were expecting last week when Kaysar first came to power. Would the conniving doctor wriggle himself free once again? Or would James finally listen to that crazy concept of "logic" and nominate him? Gosh, I sound like the Chenbot reading a promo. I must still be shaking off the lingering, hypnotic effects of her faux-bolo, or as we've come to call it: the FauxBo (not related to Beau from Big Brother 6 -- although, I would like to see what a fake Beau would look like swinging from Julie Chen's neck). Nevertheless, I'm rambling. To the recap!

Ah yes. The weekend edition of Big Brother. I have to fight the urge to call it the "Saturday show" since this season has bumped the weekend installment up to Sunday (where it hasn't done too well in the ratings. Get your friends to watch, people!). A lot of people don't really care much for the weekend shows, but I love them. For some reason, I look forward to the food competitions like a kid on Christmas, or in my case, a kid on Hannukah. Then again, I don't really get cool gifts for Hannukah. Whatever. Point is that I get very excited. Plus, the fun of guessing the nominations for an entire hour always fills me with joy. I even like the pointless filler that goes into these episodes. When you're really hooked on a reality show, the more the merrier is what I always say. Hmmm... what was my point? I don't think I have one. Anyhoo...

Tonight's show opened up with Diane expressing sadness that her partner in Manic Panic crime, Nakomis, had been sent home. The two had been besties in the house, and now Diane was all alone -- left with no one except her possible ally, Jase, and the memories of "Cool beans" lingering in her head. Such was the pain of Diane.

As we relived Nakomis's ouster, we once again saw Chicken George in all his tin foil glory. I don't know why he had fashioned himself a jumpsuit of Reynolds Wrap, but he surely thought he was the height of wackiness that night. Well, he was right. He certainly was wacky. And by "wacky," I mean "the most annoying man on the face of the planet." Do you ever wonder if maybe the producers really found him on the side of the street. Maybe in a back alley? He kind of talks like a bum -- what with his slurry drawl and questionable grammar. Now he was dressing in tin foil. He was certifiably a crazy man. I wouldn't be shocked at all to find him in line at the local soup kitchen. I mean, he calls himself Chicken George for crying out loud!

Anyway, Boogie soon came on the screen to talk about Nakomis's eviction. He noted that she was cool, but "on the other hand, Diane did stay, and she's hot." Almost as hot as that sweet orange hat you've been rockin, Boogie. Grrrowl! That gets three armbands out of four on the sexy scale!

Will then tried to stir the pot again by trying to make the other house guests feel badly for kicking Nakomis out. I'm sure that would have been effective had Will not been so instrumental in getting her nominated in the first place. As you can imagine, this attempt to cause turmoil failed greatly. Meanwhile, Jase chilled out on the couch, not bothering to get up and mill around like everyone else. Turns out he was still angry at Nakomis for orchestrating his ouster back in season five, and since she wasn't going to be on the jury this time around, why bother kissing her ass as she left the house? Jase commented, "She was the one who six-fingered me out the door!" For some reason, that sounded oddly disturbing, vaguely sexual, and like it required a harness and some lubricant. I'm sure we'll see two nasty old people performing the "six-finger out the door" technique on Real Sex any day now.

Anyway, now that she had dodged week two's mighty bullet, Diane proclaimed, "I'm ready to play!" And by that, she meant she'd recede into the background, never to be heard from again for another few weeks.

We then heard some more scuttlebutt, the most telling piece being James saying that he was voting based on what was best for him and Howie, not Janelle and Kaysar. Might the season sixers be quietly crumbling apart? Look, as long as Janelle makes it to the final two, I don't really care what alliances stay strong or weaken (although, I do want season six to destroy Chill Town).

Next we saw the HOH competition again, but sadly, the producers left out all of the Chenbot's near meltdowns as she reprimanded various house guests for not resetting their answer wheel fast enough. That's okay though. I provided my own Chenbot experience by yelling "I NEED AN ANSWER! I NEED AN ANSWER!" and "PLEASE RESET YOUR WHEEL! JANELLE, RESET YOUR WHEEL!" Of course, in my version, this is all followed by a massive boom as the Chenbot explodes, destroying half the CBS Radford lot.

Anyway, we watched as James and Danielle headed into a tie-breaker scenario, and as the two revealed their answers, all the house guests leaned forward to see the action. It kind of looked like one long line of people waiting to be sodomized. Man, why must it always come back to butt sex? Must be the presence of Jase. Oh I KEEED!

As James happily took the reins of the household, Boogie then told us, "Yet again, S6 takes Head of Household." For the record, I'd like to say that I still refuse to call them "S6." I'm sorry, but I don't like alliance names to sound like technical jargon or some sort of Gillette Razor blade. To me, they're the season sixers or BB6ers or whatever other interesting name people come up with. But I refuse to call them the S6! (Insert crescendoing music and a standing ovation here. That was essentially the TVgasm equivalent to a rousing Al Pacino speech.)

We then watched again as Howie ran up to James and gave him a big bear hug. The big oaf then took a page out of Real World: Key West's Paula by yelling at us, "People don't like celebrations? KISS MY ASS, HOUSE GUESTS!" He then hyperventilated, cried, bit someone's arm, and then called someone named Keith and passed out in the phone room.

Danielle, on the other hand, had quite the amusing response to James's win: "Another week of season six still in power, and another week of Danielle [pantomiming getting her lips ready] kisses some ass." Okay, here's another reason why Danielle is awesome. Aside from the fact that she's hilarious, she also is one of the shrewdest players in the house. She went from balls-to-the-walls player in week one (where she almost left prematurely) to now quietly readjusting her strategy to secure a place in the household. That's a schemer if there ever was one. If she's smart, she could make it to the final four. Of course, I say that now, and next week, she'll be a goner. That's the beauty of Big Brother: it changes on a dime!

Well, with James in control, it seemed fairly obvious that he would be taking care of the junk that Kaysar was too afraid to deal with. And that junk's name was Chill Town. If Mike and/or Will escaped unharmed this week, that would be a major shock, but then again, if there's anyone capable of squeaking out, it's them. Boogie, for one, felt confident that they might be safe. After all, James was pissed at Kaysar for screwing up the nominations last week, and besides, "He's enamored with us! He's enamored with us!" To be fair, it's hard not to be enamored with someone wearing five different arm bands. Oh Boogie. You are intoxicating!

Boogie then continued with his ready-for-the-camera comments by saying, "Call the Hardy Boys. Call those Scooby Doo kids. Call Sherlock Holmes. Get somebody in here who can figure out who James is going to nominate!" How about calling Detective SHUT THE HELL UP? I'm sorry, Boogie. You're just not funny. Stick to being a restauranteur.

We then saw a mildly bizarre segment featuring Chicken George. Of course, any segment featuring Chicken George is mildly bizarre. We learned that apparently this little ball of smiles was a cleaning fiend. The house mother, if you will. When he wasn't dressing up in Tin Foil Couture, he was making food, doing laundry, or just cleaning things up in general. I have to say, he's an annoying guy, but there's something to be said about a person who voluntarily cleans and cooks for you. But then again, if that person wears a foil cape, it gets kind of creepy.

Nevertheless, Chicken George may have been a domestic monster, but Howie noted that he was probably listening to everything, picking up as much info as possible. James even accused him of eavesdropping in on a conversation with him and Janelle. To be fair, George was simply looking for new Snoop Chicken George material. His freestyle has really dried up recently.

Of course, since there was a new HOH, we then had to see the new HOH room. Already, the thrill had passed for many of the house guests who barely could hide the lack of enthusiasm on their faces. The only thing exciting about this entire process was seeing what new color scheme awaited the HOH. For all those wondering, James had a trendy red and black decor (my personal favorite so far -- if I were to care, which I don't really). I wanted to know if there'd be pictures of Sarah, and sure enough, there were -- including one of her with some creepy-eyed dog. I know it was just the effect of the camera flash, but I don't think I'd ever seen a dog look more soulless than that glassy-eyed pup. I swear, it was sent from Lucifer himself! Somebody warn Julia Stiles!

Well, after the sheer rush of seeing James's newly refurbished room had subsided, everyone slowly filtered out, leaving just the season sixers to hang out and hug each other. James thanked Janelle for waiting to celebrate in private, unlike Howie who never saw a strategical move he couldn't blunder. The group then tossed around ideas rapid-fire. There was an obvious push to get Will and Boogie up on the block, but James made the interesting point that if season six were taken out of power, it would behoove them to have another target in the house for the guests to focus on. Then again, if Will and Boogie come into power, then that whole tactic sort of would fall flat.

Of course, the only reason why James was mentioning all this was because he apparently had a bloodlust for Chicken George. Ever since that eavesdropping situation, he wanted him out. But James, don't you want to hear the dulcet tones of Snoop Chicken George's floetry? Nevertheless, James felt that by putting Chicken George up, it would force the floaters to take a side. That would be all great and stuff, but didn't Kaysar just try to do that last week? I think we all learned that the floaters will simply align with whatever the house zeitgeist is. Hence, FLOATERS. Besides, if you want to see floater voting patterns, don't nominate them.

Ultimately, the BB6ers all bumped fists together and promised to go to the final four. Yes, the smell of hubris hung in the air like one of Chicken George's salsa farts. Oh wait, that was just the stench coming from the garbage chute down the hall from me. Either way, as much as I love the season sixers, the parallels to the Four Horsement were too strong to be denied. Luckily, there's no Holly to unravel the alliance... at least, not yet.

Superfriends!

After the commercial break, we then found Mike Boogie pumping iron aggressively, trying to become the He-Man he'll never be. This was best evidenced by his lame attempt at jump-roping. I've seen aardvarks with more skill (I often track aardvark jump-roping competitions). Sad fact: when he's not being totally annoying on Big Brother, Mike Boogie actually works out at my gym. I never really cared that much before, but now, I'll have to carefully avoid any workout bench he sticks his sweaty ass on. The last thing I need is essence of Boogie.

Anyway, Boogie tried to be the tough guy, but everyone could see through it, especially when he fretted about inheriting his mother's hips. Danielle asked us, "What man says he has his mother's hips?" The same sort of man who would wear three wristbands and a headband five years after they were cool.

If Mike's passing hobby was to work out like a maniac, Will's was to complain about EVERYTHING. He complained so much that everyone in turn began complaining about Will. Apparently he just talked and talked and talked and talked, kvetching about whatever object happened to be in front of him. Funny how he never mentioned hide nor hair of Boogie's arm bands, the only thing truly deserving of complaint. Just when we were thinking that he was just a whiny bitch, Will then revealed to us that this was all just part of his strategy. He wanted to demoralize everyone, make them miserable, and slowly take over. Again, another crafty move by Dr. Will, but I wasn't really sure how effective it was. Diane and Marcellas already knew it was merely a strategy, and you gotta think that it if Diane has caught on to something, it really can't be that sneaky. Remember, this is the woman who accidentally eliminated herself from a veto competition in season five when she was trying to target Jase. Love her attitude, but "cunning" and "Diane" don't often show up in the same sentence, unless there's a "not" involved too.

Later, we found Will talking to James, and right off the bat, the good doctor told us, "I think the fact that I enjoy being nominated makes me one of the most feared players here." Oh what a deliberately well-rehearsed cocky bastard he is!

Anyway, the two guys talked for a while, with James offering to take Will up on his offer from last week to sit on the chopping block. James then said that he really wanted Chicken George out and that he might use Will as a pawn. Does anyone smell burning? Oh, never mind. It's just a BACKFIRE waiting to happen.

Then, in what may have been a dangerous move, James revealed to Will that he felt like the outsider of his alliance. He knew he's be the first one out when push came to shove -- which wasn't necessarily false -- and ultimately, he'd want to go to the final four with Will, Boogie, and Danielle. That was nice and everything, but then James would simply be the third wheel to Chill Town. He might as well ally secretly with Danielle and someone else -- like Erika -- take them to the final three instead. And if he were really smart, he'd ally with them now and watch Chill Town and the other BB6ers take each other down.

We then were treated to a random scene of Jase and Howie throwing a pink innertube around. Perhaps the boredom had gotten to him or maybe he was missing his collection of designer mandanas, but suddenly Jase began singing a whole impromptu advertising jingle about inner-tubes, the main refrain being, "It's a blowup inner-tube!" I personally thought this was a sneaky way for CBS to promote its Innertube video service, but that's just me. (By the way, Innertube totally stalks the TVgasm forums. Check this out. Everyone smile and wave to Innertube!).

Anyway, after Jase was done singing his song, nimrod Howie asked, "Is that real?" Yes Howie. It's the most retarded advertising jingle of all time, and Jase memorized each and every word of it. Then again, Jase has done dumber things:

Ah, the good ol' days.

Meanwhile, upstairs, a series of people popped into the HOH room to give their two cents on who James should nominate. Erika pushed for Chicken George, saying that his nom would split the house. How? Dunno. I guess it depended on who would be up against him. Marcellas also backed a Chicken George nom, if only because it afforded the rest of the house guests security for another week. Then James consulted with the always sharp Danielle, who said he should target his major, uh, targets. Translation: go after Chill Town, mofo! Of course, James had a vendetta against Chicken George, and he told Danielle his plan to nominate him and someone like Dr. Will. Luckily, she had a brain in her head, and she insisted that this half-baked plan would surely backfire. Then again, I'd want it to backfire. But what if the intended backfire backfires, and Chicken George goes home instead of Will? 'Tis the beauty of Big Brother: All Stars. It's still too hard to predict.

We then went to commercial, and when we came back, the camera zoomed in close on a tub of Big Brother Slop. This could only mean one thing: impending food competition. Yay! But before that, we got to watch some general grumbling about the nasty treat the producers had served up half the household. James complained that he just couldn't get rid of the awful taste. Danielle noted that everyone tried to counter the awful taste by stirring their slop aggressively, as if that would magically turn it into "pudding." Ha. Suckers.

Finally, it was time for this week's food competition. The roommates all headed outside where a giant, tilted board with many holes had been erected. Teams of two had to guide a bowling ball up the board using a pole, avoiding the holes all along the way. Just imagine Labyrinth minus the labyrinth. And yes, I'm referring to the board game, not the seminal Jennifer Connely/David Bowie masterpiece from the mid-'80s. Anyway, the holes were all in different regions -- the lowest being slop, followed by beer and veggies, bread and kumquats (yes, very random), and meat and ice cream. If a ball fell in a hole, the house guests would get the food of that region (and any region below it). However, if a team could maneuver its ball all the way to the top, for that day, the house would be fully stocked and receive a catered feast. Oh, and each team was fighting for a specific day of the week. Make sense? Don't worry if it doesn't. It's just a food competition.

First up were James and Erika, who intensely navigated their ball past all the holes. "Man, it was 120 degrees in there, and we all were just baking!" James said. Yeah, well, he should come to my apartment where my AC abruptly stopped working yesterday in that same 120 degree weather. Baking is an understatement. With every keystroke, I'm probably burning twice the calories than Boogie after three hours of weight training. Of course, the advantage to not having the AC working is that my windows are now open, which means I can smell all sorts of things -- like my neighbors downstairs who clearly just went nuts with the Febreeze. What a fresh waft of air!

Anyway, James and Erika successfully earned a feast, or as James called it, "FEEEAAASSST!!!!!" Diane and Boogie were next, and they too managed to get their ball all the way to the top. As an added perk, the two kept uttering phrases that would sound totally naughty if given the proper porno music. You know, things like "Easy!" or "Lower!" or "Down a little!" or "Pull a little closer!" or "Can I touch your breasts?" Okay, no one said that last one -- at least, not on air.

Will and Danielle were next, but they spazzed out and only managed to earn bread, kumquats, vegetables, and beer for the house on their day. Not a bad mix. Just really random. Then again, I always have kumquats with my beer.

Next up were Howie and Kaysar who easily won a feast for the household, and after them came Marcellas and Janelle. "We based our team totally on looks and whether we would get along," Marcellas laughed. The results of that winning philosophy: veggies and beer. Yes, the two lost control and their ball dropped in a hole prematurely. Last but not least were Jase and George, and the pressure was so intense that the Chicken man couldn't help but tremble with nervousness. The guy was shaking, but maybe that's because he was on the verge of a heart attack. I kind of thought he might just die right then and there, especially at the rate he was perspiring. "I was sweatin' so bad!" George told us. Too bad he didn't make a tin foil sun visor. Anyway, he and Jase ultimately won a feast too, and as everyone celebrated, George fell to the ground. Oh no! Chicken George is down! Chicken George is down! Oh wait. Turned out he simply was sitting down. No need to be alarmed. He soon was up and chuckling once again, still trying to figure out exactly where he was anyway. His latest guesses: Memphis, Rio, and Helsinki.

After the competition, Marcellas and Janelle hung out in the red room and laughed about their utter failure to win a feast. Marcellas, sporting gigantic pit stains, complained that he just wanted to be as good as the boys. But alas, he was just a beauty queen deep down inside. No varsity letters for him. Janelle, meanwhile, told us how happy she was to be losing competitions because now people weren't seeing her as the smart, buxom blonde anymore. Ah yes. Another reason why we love Janelle. Although, I will say that with all the giant personalities in the house, she has certainly receded into the background a bit, which is probably a smart thing. I'm sure we'll see plenty more of her as the house numbers dwindle.

We then went to another commercial break, and before we returned, a CBS promo said that viewers could submit a wakeup call to the house guests. I personally loved this idea, and after I'm done writing this, I'm immediately researching the rules to this contest. I'm thinking the official TVgasm wakeup call is in order, yes? Speaking of slumber, we then found Mike Boogie fast asleep, and yet, while his eyes may have been closed, his mouth was open -- and babbling. Turns out Boogie's a sleep talker, and not just with passing rambles. He actually speaks loudly and clearly (but the producers unfortunately refused to subtitle him. Maybe they wanted to give him a mild degree of privacy. Boo!). Wasn't there someone else who spoke in the middle of sleep? Was it Eric from Big Brother 3? I seem to remember he said something mildly hilarious. Help me out, people.

Anyway, like so many other parts of his personality, Boogie's late night soliloquies were annoying everyone. "His sleep talking's out of hand!" Janelle complained, later saying, "He kept on saying words that were scary." I couldn't imagine what those scary words could possibly be. I'm guessing something like "Must... wear... more... armbands..."

We then cut to 6:50 AM, and as Marcellas snored, Danielle woke up and got busy making breakfast. Turns out she's a chronically early riser because, well, she's a super mom. Later, she talked to Kaysar about motherhood, noting that she's only thirty-four, but she has a daughter who's seventeen going on to eighteen and a thirteen year old. Holy Gilmore Girls! Even crazier: she had her first child when she was sixteen. As you can imagine, this led to a whole discussion about how at sixteen Danielle was taking care of kids while her friends were out at the club, but to her credit, she didn't seem like she was fishing for sympathy -- just merely explaining herself. In fact, she only sapped up on us just a tad at the end when she said she wanted to hear her daughters say "I love you." Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's not go too crazy with the family schtick, Danielle. I don't want to have to put you in the same category as Jase. HE'S DOING IT ALL FOR CALEIGH, DAMMIT!

Up in the HOH bathroom, James and Janelle talked a little strategy about the impending nominations. They briefly mentioned Jase, which meant we got to see a random shot of the muscle man holding some corn on the cob as if it were a banana. It looked oddly amusing, but sadly, it was two years too late for any homoerotic interpretations. Anyway, James noted that Jase should have held his cards a little longer and not aligned himself so clearly with Chill Town off the get go. This was true. And to prove how true it was, we then cut back to Jase and his corn, and this time, he was gnawing away again like a little rabbit, getting tiny kernels stuck in his teeth and beard. They always say that the shiftiest people eat corn on the cob. Guilt by corn association!

"Man, this makes me think of Scott."

"I suppose I could give this bad boy a ride for old times' sake."

"Oh no. Baby girl Caleigh saw this, didn't she? DAMMIT!"

Anyway, James had quite the decision in front of him, and he knew he had the power to really shake things up with his rivals. He commented, "In the words of Kaysar, if you want something done, get HOH." Or rather, if you want to mess things up and totally squander an opportunity to get a leg up on your opposition, get HOH.

Well, soon it was time for nominations, and in honor of this event, Erika decided to attack Will with some spray-on bronzer. And thank God. I was on the verge of blindness after two weeks of his white-with-a-vengeance body. Anyway, Will went on his usual schtick about being so insulted that he hadn't been nominated. Blah blah blah. Don't think we can't tell that you've been practicing these lines in your mirror for the past two months.

George, meanwhile, expressed fear that people might think he's a great strategist on account of his general silence. "Little do they know, what they see is what they get!" he told us, which means that what they get is very, very sad and pathetic.

James then told us he had to do what was best for him, declaring, "Big Brother is not a team sport!" Technically, it's not a sport at all, but that's neither here nor there. We then went downstairs for the big nomination ceremony, and poor Will's adventure in bronzing seemed to have come to an unfortunate impasse. His face now looked like it had been slathered in melted peanut-butter. And now, it was not a good look. Way to over-bronze, ERIKA!

Speaking of Erika, she was the first key out of the box, followed by Danielle, who darted her eyes around as if to say, "Whoa! Me???" C'mon. Don't act surprised. Just pull the next key out and be done with it.

Also safe were Boogie (damn), Kaysar, Janelle, Diane, Jase, Marcellas, and... Howie. That meant that Will and Chicken George were officially on the block. I backed this combo. Either the most useless player or the biggest threat to the BB6ers would be out, and that worked fine for me. Plus, it will be interesting to see if people take out the easy target in George or opportunistically cut Will instead.

James then told the nominees why they were selected. Will -- because he seemed to want to go home. George -- because he'd been caught eavesdropping on Janelle and James. "You went after the most strategic player in Big Brother history is what you're telling me," George then replied. Oooh! Well played. It always smarts when a guy who dressed up in tin foil comes up with a zinger.

Of course, Will brushed the entire situation off, saying, "Being nominated does not concern me in the slightest." Little did he know that even though he was the pawn, James wasn't totally sold on getting rid of George. The HOH commented that if he didn't feel safe in the house, he would gladly remove "one of the heads" of the Chill Town monster. In the meantime, he might have to deal with the wrath of Chicken George, who was not very happy with James. "You know, he walks around here like he's the big rooster on the farm," George said. "Well, I've got news for him. I bet the Colonel's right around the corner waiting for him!" He does realize that they don't serve rooster at KFC, right?

What do you think about the nominations? Smart picks? Or should James have put all of Chill Town up?

Posted by at 11:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (35)

Last week, we mentioned that Jase was overheard talking about TVgasm in the live feeds. Thanks to reader redhaiku, we finally have a link to the video. Some of the house guests are talking about how mean some of the web sites are, but Jase, of course, had the trump card. Did any of them have a music video made about them featuring their alleged homoerotic affair with another person in the house? Jase goes on to say that "TVgasm - they don't hold back" and "TVgasm will light you up". As good as that moment was, I think we have to give props to Jase for having a sense of humor about the whole thing. If it wasn't for the mandana and the hair, I might actually think about rooting for the guy. Remember, if you see a clip from the live feeds that mentions TVgasm, send it to us for a free t-shirt. And don't forget all of our Big Brother discussion in the forums!

Posted by at 12:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Ahh, The 4400 the current bastard child of my recapping schedule. In all aspects, this show has been pretty good this season, outside of Lily's sudden onset aging and the fact that Dr. Berkhoff has suddenly gone missing. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem quite as original (but there is still a giveaway going on) as previous seasons, maybe because of all the supernatural/alien invasion type shows popping up lately, but the character development is a lot deeper, and you know how USA network LOVES characters. Unfortunately, this means it's a little harder to get into the show this season if you haven't been watching it. That being said, it's still a good show.

If you have been following my recaps, you know that I am a big fan of the Tom Baldwin's wife, Alana, largely because I think she is gorgeous and love her accent. In the past few weeks, we have been learning a lot about Alana, and this week is we got a whole lot more.

After Isabelle started working through the NOVA group in search of Shawn, there is only one person left that NTAC needs to find: Gary Navarro. You all remember Gary because he was the baseball player that asked Tom and Diana for help. Since then he has been used as a spy for the NSA, felt bad, and then used his mindreading ability to go after enemies of the 4400, many of whom were the same type of people who were hiring him not too long ago. Tom and the rest of the crew are closing in on him, but right before they storm down the door, somebody tips of Gary and he is able to escape.

Shawn Farrell was really happy that Isabelle saved him, but among the things that can really change the dynamic of a relationship, a handful of murders have to be around the top of the list. The body says yes, and the mind says no. Isabelle doesn't know why Shawn is freaking out about Matthew (it was just a stroke) and the other people who died (they were terrorists), and if the ends justify the means, then Shawn's mental health can justify a lot. Shawn says that he just thinks that he and Isabelle got a little too intense, too fast, and that it might be time for a break.

Before Isabelle can decide whether that break should be Shawn's neck, another girl comes into visit. Seriously, doesn't anybody knock in this place? It has to be one of my pet peeves. I have a couple coworkers who are especially skilled at not knocking. It's not only rude, but makes it difficult to nap when I need a little refresher in the afternoon or am nursing a hangover. Anyway, Shawn's visitor is Nikki, his brother's ex-girlfriend who happened to break up with his brother because she was more in love with Shawn.

As soon as I saw this girl, I though she was dead meat. Just look at the way Isabelle is looking at her. She reminds me of my sister right before she stabbed me with a pencil when we were young, accidentally, I'm sure. Isabelle looks like she wants to accidentally rip Nikki's head off, even if the visit is quite innocent. Nikki's father has cancer, and although she doesn't mention it, you know what's coming next. Nikki wants a little help with her father, and we all know that Shawn will be happy to comply.

Alana's job at the center has been a success, and she really seems to enjoy helping 4400 children, that is until the NSA round her up and took her away. What was the charge? Alluring accent in the first degree? Actually, there is no charge. They can hold her for a couple of days without charging her because she is a "person of interest". They have evidence that she is a member of the NOVA group.

Wha? Alana? Really? Seems hard to believe, but as she is explaining it to Tom, she wrote a check to help out her old friend Ryan Freel pay some bills. Ryan Freel used it for some things that got him in trouble with government, and now Alana is paying the price. Tom tries to pull some strings with his boss Nina Jarvis, but her hands are tied. The investigation is officially sanctioned and the government has hired the Haspell Corporation to do the investigative work. A civilian company is doing the job of a government agency, including arrests, and there is little oversight from the government, and there is even less oversight of the government that is supposed to be running all of this.

So, who is behind this at the Haspell group? None other than Dennis Ryland. Funny thing happens when you work for the government. Even if you take the fall for a program that kills people, you can get hired at a think tank or some military subcontractor for some pretty good dough. You can be an enemy of the state and still rake in some nice coin on the lecture circuit.

Ryland took his official censure and parlayed that into a top job at Haspell. Although he and Tom used to be friends, and they once used to fight for the same things, that is no longer happening. In fact, Ryland resents the fact that Tom is married to the 4400, and resents the fact that he let Gary Navarro get so close in the first place. Call if cynical of me, but I definitely think that Ryland is using Alana to get back at Tom, and his mandate lets him do this all under the auspices of "official business".

Perhaps the most dangerous thing about Ryland is that he now has a very strange ally: one Isabelle Tyler. She's been sneaking off for the entire day, and it looks like they are letting Haspell study her. She might have rejected Matthew Ross's methods, but it looks like she has accepted her role to destroy the 4400. What better way to get rid of them than getting the man who wants them dead more than anything else on her side?

When Isabelle comes home, Richard tries to have a chat with her. You know, the normal type of things fathers say to daughters when they are dumped and/or have just murdered a few people. Isabelle has come a long way, and actually asks her father for help. She wants Richard to talk to Shawn about getting back together with her. Richard almost laughs at the fact. How many fathers have actually gone up to a guy and said "Excuse, will you start having sex with my daughter again?" Of course, when Daddy's little girl can melt your brain with a wink and a smile, that is a little motivation.

Richard does go to Shawn and says what Isabelle said, "If Shawn's not with me, it will be harder on everybody". "It" being some difficult things she is going to have to do in the near future. Shawn feels badly that he is being used because he is Isabelle's only connection to a normal life. If he only knew that her mission was to destroy the 4400, he probably wouldn't be thinking the same way. And it starts with canceling his plans with Nikki, who wanted to take him to sushi to thank him for reaching out and touching her father and making her well. I am sure she wanted Shawn to reach out and touch her body and make her, uh, swell, but after the warning from Richard, Shawn cut off the date, which was the best thing for both parties involved. Nikki might not understand, but when Shawn gets home and Isabelle is saying that Nikki is not right for him and she would be better off without him, he sees the obvious threat, but can't do anything about it.

The phone records come in from Gary Navarro's house, and the phone call came from inside the 4400 center. More specifically, it came from the office of Alana's friend Heather Tobey. When Diana and Tom go to investigate, she has an alibi. Later that night, however, Heather visits Tom and tells her that there is somebody else with access to her office. None other than Alana herself.

Alana is released, and Tom starts questioning her about the key Heather Toomey let her borrow. He wants to know whom she gave it to, but she didn't give it to anybody. She made the phone call, and she did it for Tom. After Gary came to the government for help, the government used him, and Gary is not a member of the NOVA group anyway, having disavowed after the death of TJ Kim. Alana can understand why Tom is upset, but she can't figure out why he doesn't understand. The only person Gary wanted to kill was Dennis Ryland, who almost killed her and a lot of other people, and she has no sympathy.

Tom's plan was to keep quiet and hope it all goes away on it's own, but that is not likely to happen. He confessed to Diana about everything, and they have taken themselves off of the case in hopes that their replacements won't be as competent, but they aren't the only ones searching. Heather Tobey has been picked up by the NSA, and it's only a matter of time before she talks. But before Tom can figure out what to do, Alana gives herself up to the Haspell Corporation.

Obviously, this is Tom's worst-case scenario, but he realizes that this is not about some form of justice, but rather getting back at the person that nearly killed him. Ryland wants Gary at all costs, and he is willing to do whatever it takes to get him, and if that means interrogating Tom's wife, so be it. If he wants to save his wife, the easiest way is to get her to cooperate with the investigation. At that point, Tom knows that if he wants any leverage in this battle, he is going to have to find Gary Navarro first.

Tom sees Alana in detention, but she is not exactly stoked on ratting out another one of her own kind, but Tom convinces her it is the only way to save her own life. Alana relents and tells him about a meeting place at the aquarium. Tom and Diana go there, see Gary, chase him down, and get him into custody. With his currency in place, Tom calls Ryland and proposes an exchange. Just like he thought, Ryland is willing to make the change, and they plan a place and time.

Now, let's not beat around the bush. When Ryland is done with Gary, he will probably be severely beaten and then disappear in some shallow grave somewhere. Tom thinks it's a fair trade for his wife, but Gary still can't believe it. Before Tom and Diana promised to help him, he was just trying to make it in the minor leagues, and now he's running from the government.

The exchange is made, and it seems like Alana is having regrets. We see Gary hooded and placed in the back of an SUV to a destination unknown. Eventually, it's too much for him to take, and as Ryland truck is leaving, Tom runs them off the road. Ryland and his goons are disoriented, and Tom and Diana are able to handcuff them together and get away. Although Ryland threatens to report it, they all know that it's a bluff. To admit that this ambush happened would be admitting that he wanted the switch to take place, and since that was largely off the books, Ryland would be in just as much trouble.

With that, it's all official. Alana can no longer call the Pacific Northwest home. Tom has arranged to sneak her and Gary into Canada, and from there they'll head off to Cuba. Among the cons is that she'll might not see her husband again. Among the pros is that she'll probably be even hotter with a tan, and she'll have free health care. She hates the American government so much, it will be like she's among friends.

Although we sometimes have problems with the execution of some of the subplots, I have to say that the overall story is working. Ryland is a great bad guy, and there are so many conflicts that have to be dealt with for the "good" guys and the bad guys. On top of this, Isabelle looks like she wants to go ballistic at anytime she pleases. It really makes you wonder who is the biggest threat.

What did you think of this episode? Will Tom and Diana get back together? What will Haspell Corporation and Rayland get from Isabelle?

Posted by at 8:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I sat down for this weeks Project Runway all a twitter with the knowledge that this episode would finally show us the big "scandal" that has been alluded to from both Heidi in interviews and on other websites. Alas, I was let down as the episode went off with nary a controversy. Well, Vincent acted all crazy, but that's his "thing" so it really doesn't qualify as an event.

This week's challenge also included one of the most unimpressive surprise "guest stars" since Nancy O'Dell from season one. Miss USA? Not only did I not know who she was, I didn't even think they had a Miss USA anymore. Personally, I wish they would have gone with designing a gown for Ms. Olympia. Imagine designing a glamorous gown for this chick. Now that would be a challenge.

On the runway Heidi comes out looking fab as usual. Last time they were assigned models but this time they get to choose. Cue the hot models in black slips and their accompanying music. Keith goes first and picks Narzi, the African American model with the hair of Yahoo Serious. From there each one picks the model they like, with accompanying looks of crushing defeat from the models when one of the designers goes another way. It's kind of too early in the season to really get an idea of the models so I'll just kind of move on.

Heidi tells then that today's challenge they will be designing for "An icon of American beauty," OHMIGOD! It's Star Jones, I just know it! Heidi turns to the big Project Runway silhouette as the woman appears and starts to turn the corner . It's..... A woman! With...some sort of sash. Umm, is it the Strawberry Festival queen from Wethersfield CT? Wait no. It's got to be the Miss Apple Blossom Festival Pageant winner! Winchester PA in da house! What? No? Oh. It's Miss USA Tara Conner. Her two main goals this year are winning the Miss Universe pageant and making sure Cyberdyne systems does not start a nuclear war thus unleashing evil Austrian cyborgs to ravage our future landscape. But mostly winning Miss Universe.

Now to you and me, Miss USA is not exactly awe inspiring. But in the world of Project Runway, where 80% of the contestants are gay dressmakers, it's the next best thing to Liza herself walking onstage. Or to put it another way, if I was a contestant on the show and the person who we were told to design an outfit for was non other than Boba Fett, intergalactic bounty hunter, I would have reacted the exact same way Kayne did when he saw Miss USA. Eyes bulging, smiles and even some hyperventilating. Miss USA tells the designers that their challenge is to design a gown for her upcoming competition for Miss Universe. And they better do a good job because the contestants from Rijel 6 of the Quxxor Galaxy are looking strong this year.

Back in the workroom Tim appears with Tara by her side. She tells Tim that this year she is the second tallest contestant in the pageant (smallest contestant? Ruby Hardbottle of the Shire) so she wants a dress that will elongate her form. She is looking for earth tones and she does not want a plunging neckline because, as she says, she "does not want them to see this" and points to her bazoombas. She is so gonna lose.

"I got boobs y'all!"

Tim then explains that this week everyone will be working in teams. They will all be given 30 minutes to come up with an initial sketch and then Miss USA will meet with each of them and pick the top 7 designs she likes. Those people will then become team leaders and choose another person to help them carry out their vision. This challenge stresses teamwork.

Once Tim drops that nugget we hear Angela fret that she has never designed a gown before so she hopes that she gets paired with someone with excellent "construction skills", meaning she hopes she gets picked by someone who knows what to do.

During the sketch phase Angela puts her plan into motions. She eschews any actual "sketching" in favor of a better strategy. Glom onto Kayne, the guys whose specialty is designing pageant gowns, and kiss his ass so he will pick her as a partner. It has the exact opposite effect as she is so annoying and won't leave him alone to sketch, he only gets annoyed with her.

Once the half hour is up they bring their ideas before Tara. Laura stresses her architectural designs. Michael Knight naturally goes with the goddess look. The goddess look with the sweet padunkadunk. That's his style. Jeffrey tells her he wants to reveal her "strong warrior structure". Miss USA has a warrior structure? Keiths presentation gets a little more interactive as he grabs her breasts to explain to her how he's going to have everything fitted. Then he looks at her with his best Travis Bickle stare and says, in the creepiest tone imaginable "I want to see your legs. I think your legs are so important. They're gorgeous." Tara just gives a look that simply says "God where is my rape whistle when I need it?"

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Well, I'm the only one here. Who do the f*ck do you think you're talking to?"

Vincent comes out and does his insanity pitch. This dude is seriously mentally unstable. So much so I think his sketches were drawn with a mixture of his own feces and menstrual fluid. When it's Kayne's turn he is talking so fast he looks as if he's going to give himself an aneurysm. He loves pageants! He says that Tara is "Freaking gorgeous" and wants to frame her face. She eats it all up.

Then it's Angela's turn. She starts off by telling Tara that "she doesn't sketch" so she's just going to ask her some questions. "How do you feel about an umpire waist?" OK, I admit I know little about fashion, but do you think Miss USA would ever be into something called an "umpire waist"? When Tara just gives her a pained look Angela snaps back "Okay that's all I need to know! How do you feel about gloves?" Not gonna happen. It's also worth noting Angela's presentation is probably hurt by the fact that she is dressed like a crazy bag lady.

Angela just screams glamour doesn't she?

After the interviews are over Tara makes her choices. She chooses Laura, Malan, Keith, Vincent, Jeffrey, Kayne and Uli. Now its time for the team leaders to pick their teammates. Laura picks Michael, Kayne goes with.... Robert. Angela gets denied. Jeffrey picks Allison. Malan picks Catherine. Uli goes with Bonnie and Keith grabs Bradley, leaving Angela the last one picked for kickball. "I'm happy to work with Alison." Vincent says. "Angela" she corrects him. Tim says they have 2 days and a 300 dollar budget. Now its time for shopping. Off to Mood we go. Things between Angela and Vincent get off to a rocky start because Angela is a btich and Vincent is insane. Angela is concerned that Vincent is too busy babbling incoherently instead of choosing fabric. Angela tells us that she is not inspired by his vision at all and is getting nervous.

Back in the workroom Kayne and Robert are thick as thieves. Robert says it's "like a comedy show because we crack each other up". Cut to Kayne making really lispy gay jokes about fuschia, with head snaps included. Mind of Mencia is funnier. Bonnie is wondering whether it's one or two person elimination. Then she tells Uli "I want to see people start fighting." Well her wish is granted as we cut to Vincent and Angela. Angela is asking Vincent if he needs any help, but Vincent blows her off. He's not interested in help. He then explains to her that the only person that he needs help from is his imaginary friend Charlemagne that lives in his pants.

Malan and Katherine seem to be doing well together. Katherine is happy that Malan picked him. Malan then gives us a little bit of his history. "When I was about 13 I had a stack of sketches that I drew. When I went to my mother and showed her the sketches she looked though the first few pages, she threw them on the floor and said they wouldn't ever amount to anything and that I should never do that again. Project Runway will give me a chance to show her." Damn. Why does that remind me of Hannibal Lectors childhood?

Angela and Vincent meanwhile are still fighting. Vincent gets so frustrated. That he tells Angela that "you have to move 3 feet back now". Angela gets pissy right back and says "I stepped back one and a half feet so you can step forward one and a half feet.". This sends Vincent into his insane spasms of hand motions and gibberish.

The next morning Tim makes his first walk through. He loves Uli's concept but says it needs perfect finishing. Over at Robert and Kayne's station he likes it but wants them to get rid of some of the ruffles. Then it's Vincent's turn. He tells him he wants to be blunt "I'm disappointed". Then he asks Angela what she thinks. She says she would not want her name attached to that dress. In the diary room interview Vincent expresses shock that Angela would badmouth him that way. Well he did ignore her and not accept any help from her so what did he expect her to say?

Over at Malan's station Tim looks concerned. Malan has crated what I can only assume is a dress made entirely out of diarrhea. Which I think is amazingly creative. Tim says it looks heavy. "Like it was carved out of a big log." This leaves Malan concerned. Katherine tells us that she is also getting more concerned about how the piece looks. She starts to distance herself from it in order not to get booted.

Over at another station Laura is telling Michael about how something has to be altered to keep the model from looking like she is "pooping". That's a good instinct. Robert and Kayne are adding all tons of Rhinestones and Vincent and Angela are still bickering. When Angela tries to tell him not to tell the judges that he ran out of time on the dress, Vincent just snaps back and tells her that it's his dress and he likes it and to basically shut up.

Back in the apartments she is telling the girls that she is worried that they are going to be in the bottom three and she is going to have to defend herself. In the boys room Vincent is bitching about how Angela is going to "stab her in the back", meaning she is going to give her honest opinion on the dress she had absolutely no input on. Jeffrey pops his naked body around the corner "I've got one word to sum her up. Feminazi." Yes of course. Her demeanor is perfectly equitable to a group of men who murdered over 6 million people. And of course don't forget the insult to feminism. Freaking women who think for themselves. They are so annoying....

The next morning Tim pops into the workroom and tells him its time to prep the models for the runway. Kayne and Uli are thrilled with their looks but Katherine is horrified when they finally drape Malan's shit dress on their model. Vincent and Angela are still bickering in the corner. Now they are fighting about what time they have to be ready, with Angela saying its 12:15 when its really 12:30 and Vincent convinced that she lied to screw him up. Then he attacks her for not "helping" with the gown, conveniently forgetting that she tried and he refused all help and ordered her to stand 3 feet away from him. Wes from Real World is more mature than these two. Enough of this nonsense, lets see models in the underwear!

On the runway Heidi comes out and introduces thee judges. Sitting in for Michael Kors is the equally fabulous Vera Wang. Damn, now that this shows popular they are bagging all the top guest spots. Season one we Had Richard Johnson ogling the 16 year old models at a cocktail party, now we got the classy and fabulous Vera Wang. Then Nina and finally Miss USA Tara, wearing a 70's feathered look that went out months ago.

Then the runway show starts. Jeffrey is amazed at how "beautifully grotesque way the skirt was draped". As opposed to the horrifically grotesque way his 9 inch neck somehow manages to be thicker than his actual head. Then cut to Alison saying she wasn't happy with the dress at all. Keith's dress comes out all flowing and both he and Bradley are happy with it. Even Vincent is happy with his dress as we here, and Angela just tells us in her voiceover that it isn't her dress and she wants nothing to do with it.

As Kayne's model walks out the first thing you notice is his models fierce walk. It looks a little prom dressy to me but what do I know, I'm currently wearing a "boob inspector" t shirt. Uli's s looks very Santinoish. Laura's dress is very simple and elegant. I admit her runway models walk is a little stiff though. And she looks about 12 years old, which is gross. I prefer them to look at least 14. I'm no pervert.

When Malan's shit monster dress comes down the runway Malan thinks he put his best foot forward but Katherine is afraid. Very afraid.

I think it makes her look hippy..

After the show Heidi asks Kayne and Robert, Malan and Katherine, Uli and Bonie, Vincent and Angela to step forward. Everyone who's name she has not called can leave the runway. Ooh, see that? She flipped it. Always messing with your head are the Germans. The 4 remaining teams have the highest and lowest scores. Also, there will only be one person going home today, not two.

Uli and bonnie are up first. Vera Wang likes the layering she put into it, and Tara Likes the back. Kara also loves the sweet heart top on Kayne's. And she really loves the color. Nina singles him out for praise in regards to the color, since he went against Tara's wishes but his choices were right on. She likes his initiative.

Malan's. Well what can you say about a shit dress? The ruffling is mess, just making it look more gross. None of them like it and then they notice that the whole dress is too short. But to Malan's credit when asked who should go home from their team, he volunteers himself.

And now Angela and Vincent. The battling Bickersons. When they ask Vincent about how it was working together, Vincent says that the work he had to put into it was "astronomical" because of all the mistakes Angela put into it. Angela. The one who didn't get to do anything. Gee, kind of puts a whole new dimension on the "Feminazi" conversation earlier where you and the boys club were horrified at the prospect of her "stabbing you in the back".

Surprisingly Nina likes parts of it and while Vera doesn't like the sleeves, thinks the idea itself is sophisticated. When Angela says that she doesn't think the dress stand out, Tara thinks it does. Next comes my favorite part. When they ask Vincent who should go home from their group, he says that what Angela put her through was "horrific". Vincent is not one for understatement. You know what's horrific? Living in Baghdad. Growing up hungry in a third world country. Designing a dress with a bad partner on a reality show is a minor annoyance. And then he says that Angela should be the one to go home if the dress sucks. Even though it was all his vision. As you can tell, I really don't like Vincent. I'm not thrilled with Angela either, who coasted her way through this challenge. Vincent then throws in a final overstatement by calling the challenge the "nightmare of my life" Even Uli the taciturn German laughs at him on that one.

After the judges confer they bring them out again. Heidi tells Robert and Bonnie that they are safe and can leave. Now its time to announce the winner. The winner is...Kayne. The guy who owns a pageant gown shop. What a shock! Heidi then tells Uli, Katherine and Vincent that they are in and can leave. So its down to Malan and Angela. They tell Malan basically what his mother told him. He failed from top to bottom. Their beef with Angela is her failure to work with a team. And the loser is....Malan. He is out.

After Malan leaves and we get his post eviction interview he cries and talks about how ashamed he is, how he doesn't have a lot of friends. Damn, even I'm feeling bad for the guy now. Tins is not how reality shows are supposed to work dammit.

Ah well, it was the best choice really. His dress sucked and Angela, while not working well with Vincent the insane psycho, didn't deserve to go home.

What did everyone else think?

Posted by EdHIll at 10:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (71)

Does anyone even care anymore? Sadly, I still do. So, even more sadly, there will be another installment of this recap. But I've made some very important, very big strides in the fight against America's Got Talent. For one, I have realized that the "talent" in question isn't so much the problem, as the show itself. The production values are horrible, the judging is almost as bad as American Idol and the Reege, while America's granddaddy can;t be expected to save every moment of every show on television. You add all that up, and it should equal a cancelled Season pass on my DVR. But no, I'm too weak. Just a few more weeks, though, I promise. All I need to do is see Bianca Ryan win one million dollars, and I'll put us all out of our misery.

We check out the precursor to tonight's semi-final round. Again 15 acts advanced to this round but only 10 will perform on stage. More importantly is three things: The Hoff in sunglasses, Brandy is all sweaty and Leonid the Magnificent is out of drag. We get an inside look at the choosing of the top 10, and Brandy says something about credibility. Pumpkin, you're second chair on a Gong Show rip-off hosted by Regis Philbin. Credibility is a parasail glide and rocket ship launch away for your seat next to The Hoff.

1. Dave the Horn Guy
What!?!?! I'm probably not going to get to see if rocking, but off-tune PBM got themselves together so I can watch Dave the Horn Guy!?!?! After Piers' lukewarm reaction to Dave the first time, I get the feeling they put him through again, just so Piers can have something nasty to say. And boy am I right! Even though Dave pulled out all the stops, and by stops I mean the "Star Spangled Banner" and confetti. Piers thinks he's the most annoying thing he's ever seen. Props to Dave THG for taking it so well, though. I guess when your profession is "horn guy" you are get used to rejection.

2. Realis
We didn't see Realis in the audition round, but they are an acrobatic, Cirque Du Soleil rip off. It's pretty neat when the guy tosses and catches his 65 pound partner, or when they do their crazy power moves. But I don't think it's worth a million dollars. They are no better or worse than anything you can see at any circus in the country at any time. Or a really good porn for that matter. The judges love them however.

3. At Last
At Last, the Asian singing group from audition put on another great show, this time singing "Let's Stay Together"." Props to anyone who brings Al Green into the limelight. I think they should win solely for denying their parents' wishes of becoming the next generation of dentists. And the world could use a few more Asian celebrities, besides Lucy Liu and the guy who played the principal on Family Matters (second Family Matters recp reference in 12 hours - weird). The judges heap deserving praise (the guy in the plaid fedora is particularly nasty), and the Hoff goes so far as to say that no one can beat them. Umm, Bianca Ryan ? She'll sing their faces off.

4. Natasha Le
Natasha is an eight year old piano prodigy with the world's cutest mom. We didn't get the chance to see her at auditions where she apparently made a few mistakes, but the judges didn't want to crush a little girl's heart so they put her through. She does a great job to the best of my limited knowledge, although I'm not particularly moved. All I keep thinking is how I can't wait to torture my kids by making them take piano lessons. The judges give her good marks, based on the fact that she's cute more than anything else, and the Hoff is particularly condescending. Anyone's who has Baywatch or talking car on their resume, should probably hop off their high horse.

5. Vladimir
Vladimir really impressed me last time he performed, because he's not the biggest guy in the world, but he does some crazy power moves. Much like Peter Parker, he has the proportional strength of a spider, and that I can respect. We learn that what he does is actually called hand balancing. Three weeks ago he did this crazy stuff on two poles but this time he's rocking a seven foot pyramid. Only problem - he's scared of heights! Zoinks! It's all well and good, but definitely a step back from his last performance. The judges are under whelmed, and Piers calls Vlad a gymnast, which is like calling your restaurant server a waitress. Believe me, it's bad.

6. Bobby Badfingers
I'm not on the Bobby Badfingers bandwagon, unlike many people. Well, not many, cause only 4 people are watching this show, so unlike 75% of other people. Last time his snapping made my joints hurt, now his whole act just made my head hurt. He didn't do that much snapping, but rather spun his hands about like crazy to "Conga" by Gloria Estefan like the world's most amped up wedding performer. The judges like him but not the performance. Piers admits that like Dave the Horn Guy, he should loathe Bobby, but he doesn't. He compares him to another one of his guilty pleasures, Baywatch, and seems almost oblivious that this might offend the Hoff.

7. Sugar and Spice
Okay, I'm going to try to get through this with some dignity, but I hated everything about this act. Every. Second. Of. It. I know that these girls are part of a huge family, and don't have a lot of money and blah blah blah. That's no reason for 7 girls under the age of 13 to be allowed to make us sit through 2 minutes of the most inane rendition of "We Are Family" ever. Cute is not a talent. Cute is a phase. This coupled with the experience I had seeing The Lion King on Broadway a few weeks ago has made my precocious kid tolerance reach an all-time low. Stay out of my path, Dakota Fanning. The Hoff gives them a check, because they are sweet. Piers gives them a check, because he has a soft spot for sweet, cheeky little girls. Brandy, however, has to give them an X, because they suck hard! I knew there was a reason I stood by you all these years Moesha.

8. N'Versity
I'm glad N'Versity gets called up to perform - they really want this. Every time the camera pans the crowd these three girls are huddled together holding hands and praying to get the call. It's sweet. They have an annoying handshake, but I let it slide - the girls can really sing. I don't know how exciting and dynamic it is, but they have nice voices. Brandy agrees, but doesn't dig their lack of chemistry. She's really being tough tonight, but honest and helpful. Let's give Randy Jackson the boot and put Brandy in his place on this new season of American Idol. A couple more surgeries and Randy Jackson is going to turn into Brandy anyway, so no one would even notice. Piers and The Hoff couldn't disagree more. They think they are great. The Hoff ogles their underage bodies, and it's painfully creepy. Brandy again chimes in that what they are wearing is completely inappropriate. Score more points for Brandy, for trying to encourage young girls not to act like Paris Hilton to get famous. I won't however, bring up the fact that she got knocked up out of wedlock and had a sham marriage for two years. Because that would be wrong.

9. Mark the Knife
Get it, like Mack the Knife? But with Mark? I didn't get it until just now. TV really does make you stupid. The world's most dangerous comic follows up his last flaming knife laden bowling ball/Scorpion down the pants trick with the act that got him banned in 3 countries. He is going to balance a running lawnmower on his face while having people throw lettuce into it. Yawn. I feel like Johnny Knoxville must have done something similar to this a few years ago on Jackass. Look, if crazy was the new funny, TVgasm would be getting all excited about the new Courtney Love sitcom this fall.

10. Leonid the Magnificent
Brother's out of drag, and with that the mystery is gone. Now instead of dressing like an angel, he is dressed like a circus act who plays in a large cube. It's boring and all the novelty the guy had has completely diminished. It's funny - people use the term 15 minutes of fame so loosely nowadays, and here it is completely relating to someone. I think Leonid had literally 15 minutes of fame. Good for you!

Nyet.

The judges are supposed to decide tonight on who their pick is but there is a standstill. The Hoff and Brandy vs. Piers. Piers doesn't want the show to turn into American Idol and only have musical acts go through to the finals. This kind of destroys the mystery as to who they are fighting over. The Hoff and Brandy want All That and Piers probably is rooting for Realis. They say they'll make their decision on tomorrow's results show, when the audience winner is revealed.

I'm sorry but I just couldn't sit through an hour long result show. Thank God for the invention of the DVR. The judges pick is revealed to be Realis (Piers wins!). The top 2 audience vote getters are At Last and Natasha Le. In the end, it's At Last that are put through to the finals, stomping on the eight year old girls dreams. Yay!

Alright one more week, until Bianca Ryan takes over the world! Anyone care? Didn't think so.

Posted by Umnata at 5:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Treasure Hunters, 7/10/06 & 7/17/06, NBC

Back in the day (ie. three weeks ago), we used to cover Treasure Hunters, but the general lameness of the show coupled with our dwindling free time meant that we had to prematurely drop the recaps (for now, at least). That's not to say we're not still watching. We've been keeping an eye on this poorly-executed series for any signs of life, and after the past two episodes have been mildly less boring than usual, we might just see if we can squeeze in a recap from time to time. That being said, enjoy this montage of Kayte Fogal's journey through a Southern swamp. She makes Flo from Amazing Race 3 seem like an angel...

Posted by at 4:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Soapdish, HBO

In case you haven't been watching HBO the past few days, seminal early '90s comedy Soapdish has been playing at a higher rate than normal. I'm never one to turn down the movie that made Kathy Najimy a star; so I watched it again, and lo and behold, it turns out that even Soapdish in 1991 anticipated the pop culture phenom that is-- well, I'll let you see for yourself.

Posted by at 10:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Oh how the mighty have fallen. One of the great things about Big Brother All Stars was that we were really going to see what kind of strategy would work best. At first, it looked like the schemers were going to be targeted as Alison and Danielle went up the first week, but the floaters got dealt a huge blow when Kaysar decided that he was going to put up Nakomis and Diane. Unfortuantely for the viewer, this wasn't a great week for nominations. It doesn't matter if you are with the Kaysar is a King or Kaysar is a Choad camp, when the two nominees aren't gunning for each other and making deals, it usually makes for a slow week. Then again, we get to do it all with Julie Chen, which more than makes up for all the rest.

As we got started, it was quite apparent the Julie Chen was rearing to go. There have been rumors out there that Julie Chen is pregnant, but I just don't know if I believe that. Although she sported what appeared to be the makings of a ponch, maybe it was just some post burrito FUPA. Still, it's not like I could pay attention, because I couldn't help but notice that Julie had filed her nails into the shape of talons. On top of that, she was wearing what appeared to be a women's bolo tie for the 21st century. Hannah and B-side called it the faux-bo, and I am not sure where she got it, but it had some crazy affect on me. The Chenbot is already mesmerizing, so she doesn't need anything else to distract us, don't you think?

After Julie's introduction (yes, there was a But First!), we cut to the reaction shots from Nakomis and Diane after Erika decided not to use the veto. But before we actually get into some substance, we should try and talk about Will and Howie, and the love that dare not speak its name. I still think that Will is actually really fed up with Howie, but he does a good job of not letting it show. Considering that sloppy kiss Howie planted on Will's face after the nomination ceremony, I say Will did a good job not decking Howie right away.

The next shot is always the best. We fade out of black and white for the aftermath of Erika's decision and see what Nakomis and Diane had to say about it. They were both pretty upset with Erika, who came in an apologized saying that "She tried". OK, I love Erika, but obviously she didn't try THAT hard because both of them were still on the block. If Erika had tried AT ALL, at least one of them would have been saved. Just for good measure, Erika said that even if she had taken one of them off, she only had the power to take them down, not nominate somebody else. No shit Sherlock! The girls were hoping that you would save one of them, and then maybe the one who was saved could campaign for the other. Saying that Erika couldn't help them was a cop out, and that is exactly what Diane called it when Erika left the room, and gave her a nice middle finger sendoff after she closed the door.

Obviously, I did not agree with Kaysar's nominations, so I have sympathy for Diane and Nakomis, but they are right when they say that there isn't anybody in this house with a backbone. Yes, it's true that the veto is rarely used unless the person who wins is on the block, but I don't think there was anybody in the house at this point in the game that would have stuck their necks out there for Diane and Nakomis, even though it might give them more weeks in the house. OK, maybe Janelle would have the guts, and maybe Howie would be dumb enough to do it without thinking of the consequences, but nobody else in the house would.

So now the big discussion comes down to who should be evicted, Nakomis or Diane? For Erika, she was thinking about keeping Nakomis because she would never be a direct target for her and Diane reminded her a little too much about Alison. Danielle said she was open, and they threw the question to Jase who was the other player who was there from Big Brother 5. Jase basically made the same observation, saying Diane is emotional and makes lots of mistakes like Alison and that Nakomis is laid back and cool beans.

Marcellas and Janelle had their own discussion while they were in the bathtub. He's afraid that Nakomis can win the entire thing, but he's also wondering if Diane is with the Chilltown alliance. However, he knows that Diane doesn't want to get played again. For those of you who haven't watched, Diane had a relationship with another guy in the house about her age, but it wasn't enough for him to take her along to the final two. It was a classic "Bros before Hos" moment, and Diane didn't want it to happen again.

Janelle further expressed her worry that no matter what happens, when the focus comes back to season six, she is going to be one of the first people targeted. Marcellas, who we can now say is tight with Janelle, even if he wouldn't give himself up for Howie, Kaysar, or James, said that it wouldn't happen if he had anything to do with it. He then said the smartest thing all season, and something I think everybody should realize, which is you can target whichever floater you want, but if somebody directly threatens you, you have to take them out.

Marcellas followed that up with perhaps the funniest line said so far, saying that he wanted it to be him and Janelle at the end because it would be the most glamorous final two in the history of not just Big Brother, not just reality television, not just TV in general, but of THE WORLD. I guess Marcellas could be right, but thems fighting words, and you know that Sir Elton John is not going to be taking that kind of challenge lying down. I have to admit, I started to think Marcellas was boring this year, but he has shown much more of a killer instinct, and aligning with Janelle doesn't hurt either. But even Marcellas was wondering if his alliance with a blonde girl was going to be his undoing. Last time, Marcellas aligned with a cheese-loving Southern belle Amy, and it did him in. Janelle is blonde enough and grew up close enough to Wisconsin that Marcellas may be starting to worry. Luckily for him, Janelle is twice the player Amy was, and I would LOVE to see them in the final two.

Marcellas, imagining how fabulous a trip to Prada would be with Janelle

Now although Diane and Nakomis promised not to campaign against each other, it's not like they sat around and did nothing to help their own cases. As a bunch of people were smoking the hookah outside, Diane started to play the game a little. She was quick to mention that she wasn't campaigning, and then proceeded to campaign, saying that if they kept her, she wants to be the girl that broke up Big Brother 6. Nakomis, who apparently died her hair to match this red, yellow, and brown knit cap she had on, was trying to be a little bit more persuasive with the season sixers. She said that she would never align with Chilltown, and that she wanted to stay in the house to take out Chilltown. This sort of got Kaysar and company to maybe change their minds about who they wanted in the house.

To me, it seemed kind of last minute to all of a sudden drop this on us, but maybe Nakomis had really changed the game around. It seemed a little too late in the episode to throw a big curve ball in like that, but this is Big Brother, so you never know what to expect. All of a sudden he said that he realizes that he needs to keep Nakomis in the house. You would think that if he was so smart, Kaysar might have realized this BEFORE HE NOMINATED HER. Kaysar then talked about getting the necessary votes to keep Nakomis in the house. He was assuming Janelle, Howie, and James, plus Marcellas and Erika, and then Kaysar would vote in the tie. Very interesting scenario, but it was time for a little more Julie Chen.

As Julie addressed the houseguests, I was still a little fascinated by her odd necklace/bolo tie thing. Maybe the FauxBo is the first in an upcoming line of Chenbot accessories, you know, in case you need to "rope in" that busy executive in your life, the FauxBo is sexy enough to be worn at a cocktail party, yet Kinky enough for all of your soft bondage needs. Another Chenbot miracle! What do you think ladies? Will you buy one? I am wondering what sort of powerful one word name Julie would use for her fragrance. I mean "Baffled" or "Malfunction" are great, but I don't see them selling well at the counter at Macy's. I would say "Mystery" but I think Naomi Campbell already uses that. How about "IMMB"? It's mysterious, you could make an awesome logo, and although not to many people would really need a bottle of perfume called "I Married My Boss", I think it's the perfect way to go.

I think we have a winner!

I could go on and on (and on and on) about Julie Chen, but then we got to see Chicken George. One of the developments this week was that Chicken George was accepted into Howie's Jedi order, so Julie had to ask him a few questions. I was waiting to hear his answers, but I couldn't hear it with all of the rustling that was going on in the background. That's because Chicken George had made a superhero costume OUT OF TIN FOIL. Listen, we all remember when we were kids and would wear our superman underoos, fashion a cape out of something around the house, and pretend we could fly. Luckily, most of us stop that sort of thing WHEN WE'RE FIVE. But at least it gave Julie a chance to use her "Stay away from the microwave" joke, and the end of the interview came with one of her best and patented laughs.

We got a few words from the nominees, and then a few more words on Howie's man-crush on will, with Julie asking Howie if he planned on getting botox. You could tell Will was really pissed. The players are savvy enough to know that the questions Julie asks them are because there is a lot of talk about that subject. The smallest detail in the house can be blown up crazy in the outside world, and they don't kno