Two-A-Days, 8/30/06, MTV

Showtunes + a football player = fun times. (Props to anyone who can say what song this guy is singing.)

Posted by B-side at 7:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

If the glitz and glamour and general staginess of Laguna Beach no longer rings true to the high school experience, fear not. MTV has supplied us with a yin to Laguna's yang: Two-A-Days. The show, which centers around a high school football squad in Hoover, Alabama, is a return to the handheld camcorder style that has graced so many episodes of Made (all of them, to be exact). Anyway, on last week's season premiere, we met all the major players -- the coaches, the safeties, their girlfriends, the cheerleaders, the struggling quarterback, and even a teensy bit of drama courtesy of one acne-plagued femme fatale named Keagan. You see, she wore Alex's number to the big game against Florida, and like, only Kristin was allowed to do THAT! OMG! DRAMA!

This week's episode started off with Alex still reeling from his fallout with Kristin. After his triumphant victory on ESPN last week, he was expecting nothing but celebration and adoration, but instead, all he received were bitter rants and a cold shoulder from nearly everyone. For some reason, no one believed that everything was strictly platonic between him and Keagan. They had never hooked up. In fact, what had transpired was nothing more than some innocent schoolwork. Alex explained, "One day at school, she came up to me in the hallway, and I was like 'I got a project to do,' and she was like 'Well, you need some help doing it?' and I said, 'Yeah, sure.' She came over. Nothing happened." Of course, it just so happened that this project was called "When a boy and a girl have sex." Okay, I made that up, but who else totally heard porno music playing as they replayed this alleged scene in their heads?

"What does it mean when they call you a 'young Thomas Hayden Church?'"

Well, Kristin was quite angry about all the rumors, and for now, the two were broken up. Keagan, meanwhile, defended herself, saying she'd never hooked up with Alex. In fact, she insisted that she'd never even been alone with him! But wait! What about the project? Did she or didn't she? I mean, who cares about if they hooked up. I just need to know what their joint shoebox diorama looked like (because that's CLEARLY what the project was. I just can tell).

I'll just assume it looked like this. It's supposed to be the Crusades.

All this drama was fun, but there was football to be had. The guys were none too pleased when they found out the official name for that day's Rush Propst regimen was "Get Tough!" Apparently, none of these guys were tough enough, and dammit, they needed to get tough (hence the name) because this week's game was against the cross-town rival: SPAIN PARK! Oh, those Spain Park jerks! They probably think they're all special with their fancy name that evokes images of a verdant, European recreational area. WELL! Hoover's named after an American President! Take that, commies!

USA! USA! USA!

Sorry. This show makes me oddly jingoistic. Anyway, while the guys got tough (whenever I say that phrase, just imagine Rush Propst spitting, turning to the camera, and then giving the thumbs up), Kristin was gettin' emotional at home with her bestie, Blair. In case you didn't know, Kristin was still upset with Alex; so much so that her life was slowly turning into a Michelle Branch song. "You look around, and everything reminds you of him," she said. "EVERYTHING!" Yes, it's almost as if she lives in a room decorated with cheerleading and football memorabilia. Funny how that happens.

Nevertheless, Kristin hoped that this whole mess could be resolved by the homecoming dance. Otherwise, who would she go with? One downside about living in a Southern football town: no gay best friend to take to a dance in a clutch. Even that other MTV Kristin had her token gay buddy in Laguna.

Anyway, the next day in class, Alex received wonderful news: he had scored an 82 on an exam! I'm surprised coach Rush Propst didn't barge in, spit on the paper, and then shove it in Alex's mouth, yelling "GET TOUGH!!!" Well, after everyone had received their grades, the meek teacher then got to today's lesson: what do women want in a relationship? Huh? What sort of class was this? I had a feeling this teacher may have been projecting some sort of indirect spinster rage at the boys. Wasn't this supposed to be a history class? All the posters on the wall had to do with Anglo-Saxons and The Middle Ages and Shakespeare. Maybe the students were about to take a gender-relationship approach as to why Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn never quite hit it off. What women want: to not be BEHEADED.

"Okay, class, let's talk about why men are evil and don't know a good thing when it's standing right in front of them."

Well, after one girl recited all the things the girls wanted from the boys, Alex then read all the things the boys wanted from the girls: "Good cook. She needs to be able to catch your eye, if you know what I mean. [no, we didn't know what you meant. Does that mean that she's supposed to literally catch an eyeball???] No nagging. Comes from money." Yes, that's wonderful. And once the guys were done living in fantasy land, they headed right back out to practice, which featured more of the same: grunting, sweating, and lots of Rush Propst yelling and spitting. And yes, in case you're wondering, it's driving me nuts that his name is "Propst," not "Probst."

"That's not a spit."

"THAT'S a spit!"

That night, a bunch of the teens indulged their stomaches by eatin' good in the neighborhood. Yes, Kristin and a gaggle of friends hit up the culinary mecca that is Applebees (a fixture in my high school experience too, sad to say), and while everyone noshed on onion peels and whatnot, Kristin busted out a camcorder and announced that she would be asking everyone whether or not she and Alex should get back together. Why, this wasn't completely self-absorbed at all!

Well, the first person she questioned was a chunky football player named Goose, who Alex told us had a thing for Kristin. He refused to say whether or not Kristin should get back with her boy (he loved her, but could he backstab a teammate? The eternal quandary of Two-A-Days!). Best Friend Blair, however, told Kristin that Alex shouldn't have lied, but if he worked hard and earned back her trust, then yes, they should get back together. Shut up, Blair. You're boring. Never speak again.

With that, this official meeting of the Applebees Council came to a close (take THAT, Algonquin Roundtable!). Next up for the kids was a rousing time at the bowling alley where Kristin was assaulted by text messages from Alex. "Well that last 1 got me calmd down.. U gna be alone when I call?Dnt wna have" he wrote cryptically, but alas, his estranged girlfriend had not time to read the rest. It was her turn to bowl, and wouldn't you know it? She got a strike! This somehow led to a discussion about Goose, who Kristin said was one of her best friends. "When Alex would hurt me, Goose would be over there. I'd be crying on his shoulder," Kristin told us, clearly unaware of what we like to call, "The Cockblock."

We then saw one unfortunate girl named Brittany try to bowl a ball down the lane, but alas, her fingers were too stumpy, and the ball awkwardly refused to launch from her hand, causing laughter all around (including from me. I'm a sucker for good slapstick. The only thing better than a stubborn bowling ball is a ball that falls prematurely. Oh, that gets me every time. If you've never seen that happen, you're missing out).

Anyway, after Brittany dislodged the ball from her kung-fu grip, we returned to Kristin who was now mildly flirting with Goose. "You smell good," she said.

"Do I? Well, good!" he replied happily. Somebody's gonna be jerkin' off tonight! (Okay, I apologize for inserting that image in all y'alls heads).

Presciently, Alex then texted Kristin, "No now goose is gna suk pu to u sum more n try n get u against me." Why would Goose ever do that? Just because he's been secretly pining for Kristin every single day for the past three years to the point where he has a makeshift shrine fueled by the blood of dead hobos he kills for her love? Sheesh.

After the commercial break, we found ourselves listening to the gentle tunes of a clarinet. Did Woody Allen suddenly join the squad? And if not, could he? Because that would be awesome. Anyway, it turned out that the clarinetist was none other than Bryan, the large, imposing offensive tackle for the team. Turns out he's quite the music buff and relies on it to help him through the pain of practice. To demonstrate his love for music, he then began singing in the car, and... was he singing show tunes? Do his teammates know about this? We then found out that not only is Bryan on the football squad, he's also in the marching band too. Yes, during the off-season, he trades in his jock card for his dork card as he parades around, annoying pretty much anyone within earshot (sorry, some early morning experiences with the college marching band running through my dorm have left me bitter). Anyway, Bryan was a committed bandcamp dude, and even though football should have been his top priority, he couldn't resist standing by a window, watching his marching band brethren practice for the big game. Another torturous conflict!

We then watched some offensive blocking drills (which would have been much more entertaining had they been augmented with some crazy clarinet, you know, in honor of Bryan), and then we moved onto Ross, the struggling quarterback who's been attempting to fill his brother's giant, accomplished shoes. For those of you who don't remember, Ross's brother had been the star quarterback and had brought home two state championships for the school and then gone on to glory and success and happiness and general amazingness (I heard he once saved a baby seal from a vicious clubbing!). Ross, on the other hand, kind of sucked. His biggest accomplishment thus far has been looking like a skinny version of Johnny Moseley.

Anyway, in the last game, Ross had some trouble making decisions in the pocket and throwing to the proper lanes, and if the practice was any indication, those problems hadn't disappeared. "Ross! Who the fuck did you just throw to?" asked an irate Propst at one point. He HATES Ross! He could spit on him all day long and still not be satisfied.

We then popped in on Kristin, and get this: she was still complaining about Alex. I know, it's very shocking. "Alex has never, ever done anything wrong to me at like this level," she said. Yes, the pain one feels from a dishonest diorama experience is the pain that hurts the most.

Meanwhile, back at his home, Ross tossed a football around with his big brother (who was fresh from saving twelve people from a burning building), and I couldn't help noticing that every teenage male on this show seemed to have the same hairstyle as William Zabka (a.k.a. Johnny Lawrence) from The Karate Kid. You know, the brushed forward bangs that I sported circa 1988 (after my mom let me graduate from the bowl cut).

Who of the following did NOT go to Hoover High:

Anyway, Ross's big brother asked if it was hard being compared to him, and just when it seemed like he was providing an empathetic shoulder to lean on, Big Brother sternly added that Ross better not lose to Spain Park. It was so Varsity Blues 2005.

After the commercial break, it was time for the big game. Rush Propst gave his usual, thoughtful pre-game pep talk by saying, "Now let's go out and physically BEAT THE PISS OUT OF THEM!" and then it was game time! Things started out great for Hoover as Ross made a big pass down field. Yay pressures of being a failure melting away! But then moments later on the drive, Ross managed to throw an interception right in the endzone. Boo crushing reality of one's limited capacity!

The good news for Hoover was that their defense was on point. The Buccaneers (that's Hoover) intercepted Spain Park for a touchdown, thus making the score 7-0, home team (again, Hoover). We then saw star running back Chris Graham run for a touchdown (thanks to some clarinet-inspired blocking by Bryan), and the score increased to 14-0. The good times kept on coming when Hoover forced a fumble, and I believe Max recovered it for a strong gain, but then the momentum came to an end when Ross nearly threw for an interception in the endzone again. Spain Park made a late-game surge, putting ten points on the board, and when Ross tried to spearhead a drive, he once again fell flat on his face. "Ross Wilson not looking very good," said one critical sportscaster. Luckily, the Hoover defense saved the day again, stopping a critical Spain Park drive and leading the team to a 24-10 victory.

I would say what happened next, but sadly, my Tivo cut off (clearly the machine's a Spain Park fan). What did you think about the episode? Should Kristin take Alex back? Or should she find solace in the meaty arms of Goose?

Posted by B-side at 6:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (34)

There was a lot of craziness on tonight's Big Brother and Hannah and B-side were there for the Live Blog. Click on the picture above to play.

Posted by J-Unit at 6:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

It's back to school time for most of the country, and I have to admit it's nice not having to worry about having the latest Trapper Keeper or trying to memorize the combination on my locker. There are some things that I do miss, like some of the great television in those days, and I invite those of you who are nostalgic like I am to tune into SOAPnet's "Back to School with 90210" Labor Day Marathon. Starting on Monday, September 4th at 11AM EST, SOAPnet will be playing five of the best episodes, followed by "The Final Goodbye" episode, which includes cast members talking about the show and how great it was to work with TV great Aaron Spelling. And if you are out at a BBQ or getting some sun, SOAPnet will be doing it all again starting at 5PM EST. We've had a chance to do some great giveaways with SOAPnet and we'll do another one to get you in the mood for the marathon. Find out the details after the jump.

TVgasm is working with SOAPnet to offer five lucky winners a special SOAPnet Back to School Giftpack including a tote bag, notebook, coffee mug, mousepad, and 90210 t-shirt. To enter, send an e-mail to mailto:contests@tvgasm.com with the subject 90210 on SOAPnet. In the body of your message, tell us your favorite 90210 character and why. We'll take entries until Monday, September 5th at 11PM. Winners will be chosen at random.

Good luck!

Posted by J-Unit at 3:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The MTV Video Music Awards are tonight, and while we won't be there (please, it's double eviction night on Big Brother), I'm sure there will be many people around to party in our place. Take for instance this young, aspiring starlet. We don't know how old she is, but we're pretty sure she's not quite drinking age. Still, that didn't seem to stop her from sipping down a mojito at the AOL Style Gifting Studio during a pre-show party. Just who is this adoring fan of Cuban libations? Anticlimactic answer after the jump...

Thanks to Jeff for sending in the photos.

Why, it's Audrina from The Hills at the Partysmart booth!

And look! There's Tyler from The Real World! He's probably already told twelve people how proud he is of himself for collecting his free Partysmart swag. It's an accomplishment!

Posted by B-side at 2:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I hope that everybody took my advice and watched the marathon of The 4400 this weekend as well as the finale on Sunday. Granted, taking that advice would have been dificult, since I didn't actually have a post reminding anybody, but if you did take that advice, you were treated to a great finale. Jordan Collier was determined to stick it to the government, and the government, led by Ryland and backed by Isabelle, was determined to stick it to Collier and the rest of the 4400. And luckily, there were plenty of lives of innocent bystanders hanging in the balance.

Like any father, Tom is upset at the loss of his son, and we see him at the beginning of the episode rummaging through some of Kyle's things. Considering is doing the 4400 equivalent of selling bibles, I am not sure why Tom cares so much. And if he needs comfort, why doesn't he fall into the arms of his loving wife? She was gone a long time, so I am sure there is plenty of catching up that she wants to do. If your significant other had just come back after being gone a long time, wouldn't you be creative and find something better to do than smelling somebody else's old little league t-shirts? Sure he sort of joined a cult, but is it really worse than prison?

If there is anything that Tom should be afraid of, it's Jordan Collier with a warehouse of promicin. Collier's grand plan is to give this promicin away, but like any person wanting to sell a new drug, he has to think about a few important factors. No, I'm not talking about side effects and safety; I'm talking about marketing! Without marketing, your great idea could completely go to waste. Luckily, Collier is a master of marketing, and what better way to get your idea across than a viral video?

Collier's first volunteer, is our hottie head usher/tour guide Devon. Devon wants to be a 4400, always has, and she is more than happy to try out the promicin and be in Jordan's video. Although I should be well past the days where I would try something out just because I see a hot girl in an internet video saying it is OK, I admit that if Devon told me to jump off a bridge, I would probably do that too. Then again, I am not the only one. Only hours after the video was posted on the Internet, it had already been viewed hundreds of thousands of times. NTAC was doing their best to try and get it removed off of servers, it was already on YouTube and Bittorrent long enough that there was no chance in hell they could ever suppress it.

Although there is no proof Jordan Collier is involved, Devon was enough of a high profile figure at the 4400 center that Tom and Diana recognized her and decided to look for her. Devon wasn't at the center, and when they ask Collier, he denies that he has anything to do with it, even if he approves of everything that is happening. Diana and Tom then try and ask Shawn what is going on, but even Shawn isn't going to turn snitch this time. He is also in denial mode, and even gives his Uncle Tom the old "I thought we were on the same side" lecture.

And how is Ryland acting after all of this? You would think that he would be upset that all of that time and government money he invested would go to waste, but for some reason, he seemed like he had no problem whatsoever that Collier was giving away his promicin. Isabelle wanted to know how they could just stand there and let that happen, but Ryland insisted that by giving it out for free the 4400 will be "doing out job for us", which is kind of cryptic, but I'm guessing we'll figure out what he means before too long.

There was a lot going on in this episode, but the writers always seem to find the most annoying places to break it up with the uninteresting story lines. I am of course talking about the continuing love between Diana and Ben. If they were going to make a movie about it, it would be called "An Affair to Forget". Anyway, Diana took Maia out of school because she was worried about what might happen at the 4400 center. Maia, one of the youngest of the people snatched by the future-humans, had a very difficult time adjusting to regular school, and she didn't have that many friends. The school at the 4400 center was just what she needed, and after her mother removed her, Maia wasn't very happy. But just when mother and daughter are about to really get into it, there is a knock on the door.

Diana is actually surprised to see that it is Ben. I actually didn't mention this in the last recap, but Ben said that he was on his way to London, and he and Diana almost broke up. I don't want to be a callous, but seriously, nobody really cares if they break up or not. About the only thing that could disinterest me more would be listening to somebody describe how they make balsamic vinaigrette. Apparently Ben couldn't stand the thought of being without Diana and wants her and Maia to come with him to Spain for six months while he is on his next job. Ben says that Diana has given enough to the job, and it's time for more important things. However, it's way too early in the episode for her to make up her mind about anything, so I am guessing that it will all be resolved in the final five minutes, giving us a cliffhanger that nobody cares about for next season.

A little later, April comes home and I am glad that she was able to finally build up some anger against her sister. She has a new tattoo and actually thanks Diana for helping her see who she really is. She's not the type of girl who hangs out with artists, OK, tattoo artists maybe, but you get the point. She likes spikes and studs, and fetish balls, and most of all, she hates her sister. Still, April is cool with Diana and Ben, and she even gives back their mother's engagement ring. Love triangle over? We hope.

Without any help from Collier, NTAC has no clue where to go next. Luckily, Marco is on the case, and just like George Costanza, his mind can do wonders when he is not encumbered with thoughts of sexual intercourse. He analyzed the video, and while there was nothing from the picture that gave him a hint, he worked on the audio and there were a couple of distinctive noises. The first was a garbage truck, and the second was a boat. Taking the time stamp off of the video, he was able to narrow the search location to two neighborhoods by the water that had trash pickup at those times. But it gets even better. Marco looked at the records for all of the houses and noticed that one just had its utilities turned on. Great job Marco! I loved this part of the show, especially the first time I saw it when it was called THE FUGITIVE.

One of the first things I had wondered about Ryland's promicin experiments was the apparent lack of side effects among the participants involved. Berkhoff had that horrible disfigured face during his treatments, and if there was one thing that would prevent me from taking the advice of a hot girl when it comes to injecting drugs into my body, the possibility of looking like Rocky Dennis is it. What we learned is that the promicin produced from Isabelle is much more pure than what Berkhoff was using so the horrible disfiguration should not occur. But I'm not saying that other side effects don't occur.

Devon is in the safe house and she starts to bleed out of her nose, which isn't bad unless you start to bleed out of your eyeballs a few minutes later. This is not something that they had anticipated, but luckily Shawn is only a few minutes away, and we only need him to work his magic and Devon is going to be fine. Unfortunately, Shawn doesn't seem to be having any effect on Devon, and to complicate matters, NTAC is just about to storm the house. Berkhoff and Tess leave, but Shawn is captured red handed, not because he was guilty of anything, but because Devon was bleeding all over and got some on his hands.

With Shawn in custody, I thought that it would be only a matter of time before he once again ratted out Jordan, but I was wrong. Shawn went to interrogation, but wouldn't give up the location of the promicin. For some reason, Jordan knew that Shawn would stay loyal, but he still had plans. Richard, on the other hand, wanted to cut and run. Better to destroy the promicin than be responsible for killing more people. When Jordan didn't agree with his plan, Richard decides to leave, but what can he do with all of those NOVA group members around? Well, he doesn't have to do anything, because he can move things with his mind, and he decides that he is going to break all of those vials of promicin before they can pass any of it out.

Richard's plan would have worked perfectly, but as the promicin vials were breaking, Richard still had that look of concentration/constipation/masturbation on his face, which meant that he had to be doing something. Before he broke too many of the vials, Tess got him with her mind control and stopped him.

Take a guess how Ryland acted when he learned what happened to Devon. I guess we now know what he was talking about when he said passing out the promicin was doing his job for them. He knew the dangers all along. Of the twenty men that he recruited for the mission, ten died from complications due to the injections. So why didn't he tell anybody how dangerous this promicin was once it was all stolen? Well, if people died because the 4400s gave them promicin, then Collier would have made a mistake, and Gods don't make mistakes, which is kind of debatable. If Gods don't make mistakes, then how do you explain how we had to wait so long for a Goonies sequel?

So now that they know how dangerous the promicin is, Jarvis tells Tom and Diana that they are going to "step up" the interrogation of Shawn. As you might have guessed, there are many good ways to use "step up" interrogation is probably not one of them. Tom decides that they can use Alana to get into his head, and although she said she would never do anything to harm another 4400, she decides that it is in Shawn's best interest to not have a car battery attached to his balls.

By the time the two of them get to NTAC, it is already too late. Ryland comes in with a piece of paper saying he is taking over the interrogation, and he's pretty sure his new guy will get results. And his new guy is actually a girl; that's right, Isabelle is doing the interrogation. Having Isabelle mad at you is scary enough, but Shawn is especially screwed. Although she was quite understanding at the time, Shawn effectively left her at the altar, and that's not something anybody is going to forget. Therefore, the gloves come off when she is interrogation Shawn. It doesn't take long to get the information she needed, but Shawn was nearly dead afterwards.

After this little episode, Tom decides that he really must kill Isabelle, and goes back home to get the syringe he received so long ago, but he's going to have to hurry. Across town, Jordan was about to make an attempt on Isabelle's life as well.

Shawn did give up the information to Isabelle, more through 4400 ability coercion than his own free will, but whatever the case; it led Isabelle and Ryland to the warehouse where Collier stashed all the promicin. Everybody has left except for Jordan Collier, who apparently stuck around to protect the promicin. Finally! We're going to see if Jordan is more than all talk. When he first met Isabelle, he said that he wasn't afraid of her, but maybe he should have been. She knocks him over with barely any effort, and then we see that it wasn't really Jordan Collier at all. It was Boyd Gelder, and he had a message for Isabelle. It went a little something like this...

KABOOM!

All of that promicin the government thought they were looking at was fake, and Boyd Gelder was there as a suicide Bomber, and there was enough binary explosive to literally blow up the whole warehouse. Ryland was outside when this happened, and when he came to, the only thing he could see, after he picked himself up off of the pavement, was Isabelle walking out of the warehouse. I don't think anybody was really surprised to see her come out of it unscathed, but for Isabelle, this time was different. It wasn't so much that Jordan Collier tried to kill her, Boyd pretending to be Jordan Collier tried to kill her, but it was the idea that somebody out there actually thought that she could be hurt.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned could be Isabelle's motto, and this time is no different. Ryland may have thought he had her on a leash, but this time she means business. She is going to find Collier and she's going to the 4400 center and "make him come to me". Having been around this business long enough, Ryland knows what she is planning and says that she can't just walk in there and kill people in broad daylight because she works for the US Government. Well, the US Government kills me in broad daylight every week and California takes a piece out of me too, it's called taxes. Also, it's not like Isabelle actually cares what happens to people around her.

Isabelle makes her way over to the center, but Collier is not there. He and his people have been busy making little care packages of promicin. He's using the always effective homeless work force to get the word out. Not since Kramer and Newmann started their rickshaw business has a person used transient labor so effectively. That being said, I still don't think Collier is doing enough to let people know that half of the people who take the treatments aren't going to be waking up again.

So, what did Isabelle find when she got to the 4400 center? Well, she decided to head to the children's classroom. Killing off children is pretty bad, complicated by the fact that Maia is in class. The last time we saw her, she was still in a fight with her mom about the school, but I guess she decided it was better than finding a baby sitter or whatever, because she was back in class. Unfortunately, she picked a bad day to return, and although it looked like Isabelle didn't recognize Maia as the daughter of an NTAC agent, Maia could only watch as Isabelle decided that the first person to go would be her friend Amy.

Maia gets up like she is going to leave, and then Isabelle asks her if she wants to be first instead. And then Maia says, "What you're trying to do is not going to work.” Isabelle sort of stares at Maia, but before she can figure out what she said, and even before I can think to myself "Oh Maia can see the future, this is good", we hear shots fired. Diana and Tom to the rescue! They had heard about the warehouse explosion and went to investigate. Ryland told them about Isabelle's plans, and they immediately drove over to the 4400 center.

I think we could all see what was coming next. Tom knew the shots Dian fired would not be enough to kill Isabelle, but it might be enough to stun her and give him a chance to stick the needle in. But by the time he gets out the syringe and attempts to plunge it in her neck, it is already too late. Isabelle is recovered, and she is going to make Tom pay for what he did. Oh well, I guess Tom and Diana can be happy knowing they saved a bunch of kids from the horrible deaths they were about to experience, because nothing could save them now, or could it?

While writing this portion, I left out the part where Richard is driving with Berkhoff and Tess and gets a call from the center on his Blackberry telling him that Isabelle is at the center. He knew that was trouble, and Tess let him out of his mind control long enough to do what he needed to do. He got to the classroom just as Isabelle looked like she was going to smash Tom's head in. Isabelle couldn't believe they were going to have to go through this again, but Richard said that although she can't be saved, if she stops what she's doing, he’d still support her through whatever comes next.

Isabelle only laughs, and it looks like Richard has no clue what he is going to do, but he notices the syringe that Tom was trying to reach, and used his telekinesis to stick it right into Isabelle's neck before she knew what hit her. She dropped to the ground, and although Isabelle was a huge bitch and literally the most dangerous person in the world, it's still tough for a father to kill his own daughter. But then something strange happened. Isabelle got up again!

When Isabelle got up, I thought that this would be quite the way to end the season, with a death of one of these characters, but something was different. Isabelle looked like she was trying to kill her father or throw him across the room or something, but nothing was happening. Whatever was in the syringe must have taken away her powers, but Tom didn't want to take that chance. He pointed the gun at Isabelle and...oh come on! Like Tom ever had the guts to actually kill somebody. We've seen this scene how many times, and every time Tom....

BANG!

Whoa! What the hell? Tom actually shot her! I guess he didn't want to take the chance that Isabelle might get her powers at some point. And that message from the future did say "Kill Isabelle". However, just when I thought that Tom wasn't a huge pussy, we return from commercial and see Isabelle is in the hospital. Tom popped her in the shoulder instead of going for the headshot. And even if he just had bad aim, if he wanted to kill her, wouldn't he have put three or four more rounds into her chest and another couple into her head for good measure?

Now that there could be hundreds or thousands more people with abilities, NTAC's job is going to be tougher, and Tom is going to do it all without his partner, at least for the next six months. Diana decided to go to Spain with Ben, and she was taking Maia with her. And to make matters worse, as they were leaving, Maia told Alana that while all of them were coming back, Alana wouldn't be here when they returned. WHAT? NOOOOO! They already took her away from me once. What am I supposed to do if they take her away again? Oh, and I'm sure Tom will be wondering where his wife went at some point as well.

I was wondering what Maia meant, but found out in the closing montage. As they wrapped up the season, they showed us Isabelle and Shawn. How ironic that they are in comas in hospital. You have to wonder if Isabelle's fate has really changed, or if Shawn is going to love her now that she can't do so much damage. And then, as I a feared, Alana is taken away. The same blob of light that abducted everybody and then dropped them back in Seattle took Alana away. I have no idea why it had to be Alana, but I tell you right now, they had better give me a pretty damn good explanation when the show starts next summer.

But let's face it, the thing we are all interested in is who is going to be juicing with the promicin, and who isn't. There are a lot of people who want to try, and not surprisingly, two of them are very close to this ongoing saga. First we see Kyle, and then we see April have received doses. While neither of them have actually taken the doses, they shoot it to assume that we are. As predicted, people are lining up to receive the promicin, and in the cheesiest of endings, once the random homeless guy is done handing the dosages out on screen, he turns to the camera, looks at us and asks if we want to try for ourselves.

Honestly, what the fuck was that? That little move nearly ruined the entire episode for me. It's going to be interesting where they take the series because both of the main enemies, Ryland and Isabelle, appear to be neutralized. Does Isabelle take some promicin and become badass again? How will she treat her father? What will happen with all the new people with abilities? Why did they take Alana and how long will she be gone? My guess is that Collier becomes evil and maniacal again, but the show can literally go anywhere.

What did you think of the finale?

Posted by J-Unit at 2:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Like OMG! There was so much scandal on Laguna Beach last night! Kyndra and Cami totally crashed Raquel's party, and then like that girl Stephanie called Cami dirty and then Kyndra made her cry and like Alex showed up and he was totally hot! But then it was like officially the lamest party ever, which was totally random, but like Kyndra had an awesome party at her house the next night and Cami was like "Did you hear what that girl said?" and Kyndra was like "Not again!" and her mom was like "I need to give Chloe a bath!" and Cameron was like "Don't talk to me that way!" and Lexie was like "Rocky's boyfriend is so hot!" and Tessa was like "Let's watch Cinderella man!" It was so standard.

Yes, it was a tale of two parties in tonight's Laguna Beach as gossip and scandal and tales of dirtiness tore at the social fabric of the community. With the Holidays descending on the beachside locale, the whole gang was supposed to celebrate with good cheer and merriment, but wouldn't you know it? The Wicked Witch of the 'Guna flew in on her broomstick and managed to make one girl cry, one boy bolt, and one sleepy show laughably awful, as usual. I'm talking about Kyndra, of course, and she was in typical bitchy form. Along with Cami (who never saw a camera she couldn't pander to), the two queen bees of Laguna managed to be the grinches of this Christmas spectacular. They spent so much time trying to tear poor Raquel down that they completely missed the joy of the holidays: like totally kissing under the mistletoe! But not with each other! Ewww! Gross!

As usual, this week's show started with nasally, mousy narration from Tessa, who was still bemoaning her realization that the band was more important to Chase than she was. Yes, it's hard to believe that wouldn't be entranced by Laguna's very own version of Hello Kitty, but alas, such was the way of Chase. So for now, Tessa had to busy herself as official Christmas elf, helping Rocky hang various Christmas lights on her deck. Easier said than done. Turns out that the mere act of plugging an array of light bulbs in required a keen knowledge of electronics and spatial orientation. Just ask Rocky, who managed to put the Christmas lights up backwards "again." This of course begs the question: how many Laguna girls does it take to plug in a light bulb? Two. One to plug it in, and another to ask expository questions before staring off into space with music playing enigmatically in the background.

Anyway, as the girls erected this eighth wonder of the holiday decorating world, Raquel asked Tessa how her dinner with Chase went. You know, the one where she had ordered a rare fish called tuña (pronounced "too-nya"). Tessa merely shrugged and squeaked that "we're better off just being friends." That was good, considering they weren't actually dating in the first place. That is, unless carrying on terminally boring conversations qualifies as romance these days.

Sadly for Tessa, any hopes of reversing the state of Chase affairs was dashed when she then revealed that the hirsute rocker would not be able to attend Rocky's annual Christmas party. He had band stuff -- you know, an important gig at the town gazebo.

Well, speaking of the Christmas party, Rocky revealed that unlike previous years, she didn't send official invites out. She merely let news spread word of mouth. That being said, she then said she didn't expect Kyndra to show up because she wasn't invited. Well, yeah. She wasn't invited because you didn't send invites out. Funny how that happens.

We then segued into the opening credit and learned that this week's show was called, "We're Gonna Crash A Party!" I would have preferred a more holiday-themed title. Maybe something like "Rocky Got Run Over By A Reindeer." And of course, the reindeer would be an allusion to Kyndra, on account of her doe-like appearance/intelligence.

Anyway, we were then greeted by the sounds of a punk Christmas carol -- how very subversive! -- and in some boutique in town, Kyndra and Cami talked about Kyndra's upcoming Holiday party. They both agreed that Jessica would not be invited, and then Kyndra said, "Let's go through the list: Derrick. Matt--"

"Kelan," Cami said, regretfully interrupting her Master. Silly girl. She should know that no sidekick can cross such a boundary.

"NO! Let ME do it!" Kyndra snapped, keeping her sidekick in check. She then rattled off her party list: "Derek. Cameron. I love that guy." And that was it. Two names. Good thing she insisted on doing it herself. Cami would be incapable of handling such an extensive list.

But there was still one lingering, pressing question: "What about Lexie? I like Lexie," Kyndra said as Cami emphatically agreed. Let it be heretofore known: Lexie has been approved! She is LIKED!

With this rigorous exercise complete, Kyndra then proposed a new activity: "Let's go get a coffee or something. I'm tiyad." To which Cami replied, "I'm freezing." Bitch, it's Southern California in December. That means it's, what? 65 degrees? And let's not forget they were inside. Damn you, Cami, and your weak threshold for cold temperatures!

As the girls trekked up the street in search of warm fluids, Kyndra then talked about crashing Rocky's party, despite the fact that they hadn't been officially invited. Never mind that the two just created a list for their own party so as to keep crashers out. Apparently, only she's allowed to crash people's parties and not the other way around. I will say this, however: I wouldn't want Tessa and her cloud of suck to show up at my party either. And I'm saying this despite my sheer love for entertaining guests who speak in squeaks and cutesy phrases.

Elsewhere in town, Cameron and his nameless buddies were all playing a rousing game of toss-the-football-in-the-basketball-hoop. Everyone wanted to know if he was going to Rocky's party, but Cameron asked, "Are you sure she's having a party because I heard she wasn't." Look, she put those Christmas lights up for this party tonight. Do you know how hard that is? You don't just hang lights and then not have a party. It's on, Cameron. Oh, it's on.

The guys then all ragged on Cameron for apparently saying the night before that he'd rather hang out with Jessica than be with them. Makes sense. Last time I checked, his friends probably don't give him blow jobs. But then again, that Kelan kid always seems to be trailing behind Cameron ever so eagerly... Nevertheless, as the guys eventually exited the basketball court, Cameron marveled at the social events lined up for him over the next two days. "Dude, tonight Raquel's, and tomorrow Kyndra's!" Like OMG! Two parties! It's a bonanza of mirth and jocundity!

Back at Rocky's dojo, the Chipmunks Christmas album was playing in full force -- oh wait, it was just Raquel and Tessa talking to each other. Yes, the two girls were busy futzing around a kitchen, baking cookies and other holiday treats (despite Tessa's tragic inability to locate the raisins). The banter of the day centered around Raquel, who just could not be more excited about a guy named "Alex." You see, what was great about Alex was that he went to another school, but he was friends with E.J. (Yay! Who?) and therefore, he had ties to the Laguna community. How wonderful for him! Eventually, these two guys showed up, and Rocky bestowed her highest praise on this elusive E.J. character: "You're looking SUAVE!" she said, adding "Meeee I want a huuuula hooop." Seriously, they really sounded like Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Meanwhile, Kyndra and Cami hopped into an SUV and headed towards Rocky's house. Even though they hadn't been invited to her party and even though they absolutely despised her, they still thought they'd crash the event. Keep in mind that this is the second week in a row that these girls have had to endure the awful plight that is visiting Raquel's house. But seriously, they're too cool for her. They only attend these events for purely ironic, observational purposes. It's not like they have some insecure need to fit in and reign over the social circles of their school at all times.

"I just don't want her to think she can come to mine," Kyndra said in the car, referring to her party the next night. This then led to a series of lame justifications for their behavior, resulting in Cami obnoxiously hamming it up for the cameras. Around this time, I was hoping their car would skid off into the ocean so we wouldn't have to hear their middling claptrap anymore, but alas, they arrived at the party safe and sound. And what a party it was! There was like Domino's Pizza and everything! And nothing says Christmas like Domino's!

It seemed like everyone from school was at this fête, even Lexie's friend Tara, who begrudgingly told Tessa, "You look really pretty." She then added, "Now, let me go drive a spike through my head." The big talk of the night was over this Alex fella, who apparently was Rocky's boyfriend. All the girls salivated over him, even the ice queen Lexie. Surely Kyndra would be seething with jealousy. However, there were bigger problems for the Mean Girls to fixate on. Namely, a girl named Stephanie who was apparently starting vicious and awesome rumors. "She's the one who said I am dirty," Cami complained. What? Cami dirty? I refuse to believe this poppycock!

Cami is NOT dirty!

WELL. Cami did not take well to this rumor. Holding a cigarette outside, she complained endlessly about Stephanie to Kyndra, and as any good Master would, Kyndra decided to go regulate. She made a beeline towards this random girl and asked, "Did you say something to my friend?"

"No," replied the bewildered Stephanie, who then tried to explain why she was innocent. It didn't seem to have any affect, however, on Kyndra who asked that this girl then apologize to Cami. One problem: why would she apologize for something she didn't say? Sorry, I know I just blew your mind, Kyndra. Well, suddenly there was lots of crosstalk that was hard to follow, and all I knew was that Stephanie said she didn't come with Blair, whoever that was, and then there was more crosstalk and finally, Lexie proclaimed, "Oh my God! So much drama!" Everyone please settle down! You're overloading THE LEXIE!

THE LEXIE IS SHOCKED!

Meanwhile, Cami complained to Rocky, "I've never met this girl before in my entire life!" to which Rocky replied, "So why do you care what she says?" Damn that logic striking again!

Later, after Kyndra was done haranguing that Stephanie girl, she retreated to her clique and resumed her regularly scheduled bashing. "I don't think I've ever had a conversation with Raquel ever, and now I am? Like, I don't want to, and I don't want to start now," she said, apparently confusing social contact with leprosy. Methinks she's jealous of Rocky. She probably wants her as a sidekick instead of Cami. Seriously, considering Kyndra's supposed to be the coolest girl, how did she wind up with such a low-rent sidekick? It's like watching Madonna driving a Ford Focus.

Anyway, the cockles of insecurity soon overpowered Kyndra as she seethed, "My Christmas party is going to be so much better than this. Mark my words." Yeah, this party was so lame with "all its people having fun." Whatevs!

And because the notion that someone like Raquel could throw a good party was all too devastating for Kyndra, she then set about undermining the event by asking Cameron, "Is this officially the lamest party you've ever been to?" He smiled and agreed, but to be fair, he kind of does that with everyone. Well, Kyndra decided enough was enough, and so she rallied the troops and left the partay, off to do something way cooler with her night -- like read Cosmo or Staten Island Quarterly.

The next day, Tessa and Rocky sat at a bench, and in true Laguna fashion, they recapped the party. Once again, they reaffirmed that Alex was indeed hot, and then we learned that after her run-in with Kyndra, Stephanie wound up bawling in the corner. Even worse, Kyndra didn't even bother saying hi to Raquel, the hostess of the event! Actually, that is poor form, but I can't say that I'm really surprised. The two girls then pondered going to Kyndra's party that night, but unlike Kyndra and Cami, they had no insecure need to keep an eye on all social events in town, lest their social rank begin to plummet. As a result, they decided to skip the event and do something else with their boring lives.

Meanwhile, over at Kyndra's house, she and Cami talked about how badly they didn't want Rocky and Tessa showing up at the party that night. Sitting next to them and eagerly listening in was Kyndra's mom, Karen, who seemed to vicariously soak up this teen drama as if it were the vital life force to her aging body. Never once (according to the editing) did this woman tell her daughter -- "Hey, maybe you shouldn't be so judgmental" or "Hey, don't be so mean to your classmates." Instead, she just sat there, feeling like one of the girls. Paging Amy Poehler...

"I love my daughter's life."

Anyway, Cami justified their party-crashing once again, this time saying it was payback for that BBQ at the beginning of the season. Of course, what Cami seems to have forgotten was that Tessa was actually invited to the barbecue. Blast that logic striking again!

Kyndra then relived her golden moment from Rocky's party, saying, "Did you hear me? I was like 'Round up the troops! We're leaving!'" Oh, it was a classic Kyndra moment! People will be talking about that move for years! It's going in the Kyndra Tome of Notable Quotables! Right next to that one time she answered the phone and said, "Kyndra speaking." ANOTHER ONE FOR THE AGES!

Cami then retold the story about how she complained to Rocky about Stephanie, except in this iteration, Rocky had gone from patient and sympathetic (how we saw her in reality) to a head-swiveling bitch from Chino. And let me say that no one enjoyed this story more than Karen, who let out a little, possibly drunken chuckle. It doesn't get much better than this, does it, Karen?

"Good one, Cami!"

We then learned the REAL reason why Rocky had been so offensive: she had refused to become a painted lady! "I'm surprised she had no makeup on. She had NO makeup on!!!" Cami declared as if Rocky had been prancing around the party nude. Even more intolerable was her apparel. Kyndra bashed Raquel's outfit, which consisted of a Santa hat, a white bra/top, and a red skirt. GOOD GOD!!! What was the girl thinking! Wearing red and white at a Christmas party??? And a Santa hat??? Bitch has to get a grip!

Well, as Cami drank from her goblet of cola, Karen finally made an announcement: "Alright. I'm going to give Chloe a bath." You do that, Karen. Oddly enough, I'm pretty sure "Chloe" is her code name for "vagina." Oh I kid! We all know this was just her way of saying it was time for another Valium.

Meanwhile, over at Rocky's house, we finally got to meet the two wonderful people who had spawned Raquel: Tom & Robin (who will be played by Dennis Farina and Roseanne Barr when this is made into a movie). And by the way, I LOVE TOM AND ROBIN! Unlike all the other Laguna parents we've seen this season, they actually look like normal people with nary a touch of plastic surgery between them (although, Tom looked like he might have had a veneer or five in that grill of his).

Greetings from the Farina-Barr household!

Anyway, the doting parents smiled happily as Rocky, Tessa, and Alex wandered into the kitchen, ready to go out for the night. The scene quickly became awkward, however, when Raquel and Alex left for their date, leaving Tessa to simple sit on a stool with Tom and Robin. Um, shouldn't you be walking to the door? Must you inflict your blandness on these people as well? Apparently. It looked like the three of them had an exciting night of watching Cinderella Man lined up. And let's face it: nothing says "Rockin' social life" like watching a DVD with your friends' parents.

Well, with the Dashboard Confessional theme song to the dearly departed One Ocean View playing in the background, Alex and Rocky headed to a Mexican restaurant where they talked about how excited they were to be with each other. It was like watching Naomi Judd and James Franco on a date.

"Spider-Man killed my father."

"Life is so exciting right now!" Rocky then said, adding, "Like we're in a Mexican restaurant! Could life BE any more thrilling!!!!" Okay, she didn't say that last part, but she did ramble on about who knows what, and since this scene was pretty much DOA, let's just move onto the real meat and potatoes of the episode: party #2!

Yes, Kyndra was throwing her party, and already we knew it was sooo much better than Rocky's because a) there were less people, and b) there were sandwich wraps! Way cooler. Sadly, I didn't see Karen happily hanging out with all the kids. I'm surprised she wasn't dancing around with a glass of red wine, doling out Jell-o shots to all the pliable young men in the room.

Cami, meanwhile, was still smarting over StephanieGate 2005 as she told the whole story from last night's party once again to Lexie and Kyndra. Newsflash to Cami: THEY WERE THERE. At one point, Cameron showed up, and of course, Kyndra draped herself on his neck, saying, "Cameron, thank you so much for wearing a collared shirt. That really means so much to me." Who knew she had a collar fetish? I don't even want to think about what would have happened had he worn a turtleneck (cut to Kyndra passed out on the floor, foam spewing from her mouth and her body shaking).

Meanwhile, Lexie dismissively rolled her eyes at Kyndra, saying, "Oh. She's creeping on Cameron again." THE LEXIE DOES NOT APPROVE!

"I am AGHAST!"

Conversation then returned to Rocky's boyfriend, and once again, it was agreed that he was very hot, and perhaps his biggest fan was Rachel, a.k.a. Bernice (which is how she will always be referred to, on account of her New Jersey/Bernice-ish appearance). While the girls talked about Alex, the guys talked about Jessica. They wanted to know from Cameron if he was dating her or not. He said no, but we knew otherwise. As for Cami, I kid you not, she commenced her forty-fith retelling of the Stephanie crisis, and by now, her story was probably so exaggerated, it probably included some sort of knife fight, an alien abduction, and Osama Bin Laden.

At one point, Kyndra asked Cameron if he was going to see Jessica, and he snapped back, "That pisses me off!" Huh? She really did only ask him a simple question, but apparently he didn't like the inflection. He stormed out of the party, causing murmurs all around. "Is Cameron SERIOUSLY walking out of Kyndra's right now?" asked one shocked girl. No one EVER walked out of Kyndra's parties! SHE HAS SANDWICH WRAPS! Another girl then commented, "He's walking out of Kyndra's. That's creepy." Yes, it chills me to my bones! It's like watching The Shining all over again! Don't leave, Cameron! It's ever so frightful!!!

The next day, Tessa lumbered into Rocky's bedroom and asked how her date went (so the Master becomes the sidekick!). Does Tessa ever leave Raquel's house? Did she spend the night? Anyway, Raquel then informed Tessa that Cameron walked out on Kyndra last night. OMG! No he DIDN'T!!! Scandal!

We then went over to Kyndra's house where I half expected to see Karen passed out on a platter of wraps. Sadly, we saw no such thing (doesn't mean it didn't happen). Cami and Kyndra sat outside and bashed Jessica and the way she seems to always claim men, ie. "I dated him in sixth grade, you can't go after him!" Of course, let's not act as if Kyndra probably does the exact same thing. Oh well. She's just a bitter old wench in training. What can you do.

Elsewhere in the 'Guna, Cameron and Jessica were enjoying lunch, talking about the whole party incident and whatnot. At one point, Cameron actually gave Jessica an unsolicited compliment, causing her to say, "That was nice."

"I'm always nice," Cameron replied. Dare I say, it was actually a sweet little scene? I found it mildly shocking to see someone treating Jessica well, and in turn, her not acting like a lunatic. Maybe they were just caught up in the Christmas spirit. Later, as they hopped in Cameron's car, Jessica then flashed her trademark neediness by asking, "Would you be sad if I died?" Ah yes. Young romance. God bless it.

What did you think about this episode? Which party looked better? And what's up with Kyndra crashing Rocky's party but not allowing Rocky to crash hers?

Posted by B-side at 11:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (75)

The Ice Queen Cometh... and Goeth. In a shocking development for fans of The Apprentice, Donald Trump has axed his blonde heartbreaker of an advisor, Carolyn Kepcher. According to the New York Post, Carolyn had become quite the prima donna, taking her newfound fame entirely too seriously. No word on how this will affect the next season of The Apprentice. Chances are we'll see more of Ivanka than ever before, but as much as this Trump spawn has proven to be surprisingly awesome, she can never fill the void left by Carolyn. Nevertheless, Apprentice fans are allegedly reacting to the news by cradling their heads in their hands, crying, and eventually finding a dark corner to curl up and rock back and forth in.

For the full story, click here.

Posted by B-side at 8:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)

I don't know what it's like in the rest of the country, but even though it's still August, here at the foot of Pikes Peak you'd think it were autumn. I know this for two reasons. One, the wife and I went camping over the weekend and woke up to snow on the Peak. (And no, that doesn't mean I'm getting gray pubes.) And two, all the breweries have released their Oktoberfest beers. So tonight's recap is brought to you by the Summit Brewing Company, the Left Hand Brewing Company, and Sam Adams. Hooray beer!

Brooke welcomes us to Fan Selection Night on Rock Star: Supernova, adding that we're just two weeks away from crowning a winner. Six contestants and two weeks? What kind of math is that? That means they'll have to cut two contestants a week to make their deadline. Evs. I'm just happy to learn I only have six more episodes to recap. Hooray Brookanomics!

After her recent kablosion of snappitude, what could Dilana possibly do to top herself on this week's episode of Rock Star? If you guessed read a passage of the Necromancer whilst stabbing a shard of glass into another contestant's head, you're half-right.

If I'm talking about Dilana, it must be time for some mansionanigans. Introing the segment, Brooke reminds us that after Dilana tore into her fellow contestants during last week's mansionanigans segment, she apologized on national TV. But if you think the drama was done then, you don't know your Mark Burnett produced shows very well. Because the fun was just getting started...

Over dinner, Storm tries to make light of the situation, raising a toast to Dilana's first spanking. It's much like the toast Shigaboth raised in Dilana's honor many millennia ago to celebrate her first soulbirthing, but Dilana doesn't want to join in this time. It seems she feels that everything she says is taken the wrong way. I don't know if I buy it, though, as it's pretty hard to misinterpret "Braaaaiiiinnss!" She says she was filled with hurt and anger and sadness and desperation. Other things she was filled with: sugar and spice and maggots and lice. And Braaaaiiiinnss!

Ryan says he has to sleep with himself every night, and that's why he won't talk bad about people. Which makes no sense at all. When I used to have to sleep with myself, that's all I did was talk bad about people. Even now that I'm married I still talk bad about people. Cuz that's how mrs. copygodd likes it.

Dilana tries to explain, saying she was under the impression it was a clinic, and she didn't know if she was supposed to speak her mind or not. "Life is a constant clinic," interrupts Lukas, obviously referring to his troubles with STDs and methadone. Later, Lukas tells us he wishes he could take it back for Dilana, because now she has to live with the consequences. Wait, were those kind words coming from OompaLukas? See, that's the good thing about pipeweed versus alcohol. I've met a lot of angry drunks, but never an angry hobbit.

Pointing to her throat, Dilana tells us she could feel her emotions about to explode out of her. It was almost as if she were human again. Later, she's sitting poolside with the guys, when everything catches up to her and she totally loses it. Before you can say "Hail Satan" she's flipped off the camera man, shattered a glass on the ground and stormed off the set. Unfortunately for her (and Magni), one of the pieces of glass shot up and stabbed Magni in the head. I smell lawsuit! But is the sulfur I smell from Dilana or the gaggle of trial lawyers gunning for Magni's business? It would certainly explain his increased number of votes this week.

Lukas immediately runs inside to tell the other rockers what happened, because we know that all hobbits are sneaky little tricksters and live to get others in trouble, they do! Ryan goes to check on Magni, while Storm heads upstairs to comfort Dilana. From the intensity of the hugging going on, it looks like Dilana could use a little shelter from the storm.

Later, Toby, Ryan and Lukas are back down at the pool, cleaning up. Toby can't understand Dilana's blow up, saying she's had one of the sweetest rides out of anyone there. Ryan says that some people just can't handle being on top. Yeah, I always pictured Dilana as a doggy-style person myself. "It's like she's self-destructing," he says. Like?

Back to live action. Sort of. It is Dilana the Undead we're talking about. She should just be glad she's talking to TheDave and not TheVlad, as he'd no doubt have impaled her on a stake by now. Again.

TheDave wants to put things to rest, and asks Magni how his head is. "It's just a flesh wound," replies Magni, showing off his knowledge of overused Monty Python quotes. "I've cut myself worse shaving... my balls!" Actually, he doesn't say his balls, but you know he has. Next, TheDave asks Dilana how she's feeling going into tonight's performance. "I feel like I'm gonna rock it," she says. Like a hurricane!

Finally, she addresses the crowd: "Nobody's perfect, we all stumble, but I'm back, stronger than I was before." What she doesn't tell them is the source of her renewed strength: baby hearts. She finishes by saying she loves her friends, and she'll never ever do anything to hurt them again. Until the next full moon, at least. Or fajita night, whichever comes first.

After the break, we get some footage of the rockers learning what songs the fans have chosen for them. Ryan gets to sing "Clocks" by Coldplay because the fans want to hear more of his falsetto. Ryan says that's the amazing thing about the Internets is that it's a series of tubes. Actually, he says that before he even had a chance to think about what to do with this song, his Internet fans were already telling him what they wanted. Through a series of tubes.

Lukas gets "Lithium" by Nirvana. Is there any way he's going to top Dilana's version of it from Week One? Survey says, NO! Lukas thinks the fans gave him that song because they want to see him show up Dilana. I think they gave it to him because they want to see him shoot himself in the face.

The fans have selected Billy Idol's "Rebel Yell" for Toby. And they want to hear Magni do "I Alone" by Live. Storm gets "Bring Me To Life" by Evanescence. Storm says she knows the melody, but has to learn the lyrics. What do you bet she does so with the aid of her trusty Verizon V-Cast phone?

Finally, Dilana gets "Mother Mother" by Tracy Bonham. Storm reads the following message to Dilana from one of her fans: "You give women who love to listen to rock someone to look up to. Keep fighting the fight and I'm sure we will see you standing there when the smoke clears." At the end of the Apocalypse.

TheDave tells the rockers he doesn't want any train wrecks this week. Then he tells Lukas he's up first. So much for his "no train wrecks" theory.

Brooke tells us that all summer long, we've seen Lukas's "dark brooding side." But tonight, we'll see another side to Lukas: his brooding dark side. Lukas says he's glad he got this song, because hopefully the fans will see him for what he is: a hardworking musician that believes in what he's doing, and when he's not onstage, he's just hanging out just like everyone else. "I love playing basketball. I love video games. I love drinking beer. Did I mention that?" Before joining the show, Lukas says he was working at Hooter's, flipping chicken wings. "I am like everybody else," he finishes. "I just wear more makeup than everybody else." Fair enough.

At this point in the season what else is there to say about Lukas except mumblemumbleslurmumble? At least he doesn't stare at the band this week. Afterward, TheDave tries one of his old misdirections: "You took a classic, sacred Nirvana song, and you rearranged it like that?" Dramatic pause. "It was awesome dude!" Much like the high school girls of Dazed and Confused, that never gets old. Speaking of, you know what else never gets old? This.

Next up is Magni. He says that statistically speaking, if he's in the bottom three again this week, for the third time in a row, he's probably going home. So the only thing he can do not to be in the bottom three this week is to campaign to get people to actually vote for him. Hmm... I'd have tried "not sucking" but I guess that's the difference between the American and Icelandic mindsets. He tells Australia he's a lot better looking than Toby. Canada can certainly do better than Lukas. And just because Ryan's American doesn't mean America has to vote for him. Funny how he doesn't get in any digs on Storm or Dilana. Probably because he knows Storm is going home next, and he's afraid Dilana will cut more than his head.

Magni is doing one of my least favorite songs by one of my least favorite bands, so I just fast-forward through his performance. TheDave lurvs it, though, standing up to shout "that boy can sing!" TheDave says there's nothing he can say to Magni; it just comes down to the roll of the dice now. Tommy tells Magni it was cool he came into the crowd, but he wishes Magni had gone into the back to the cheap seats. Gilby tells him that while he's been solid all season long, tonight he gave them that extra something he's been looking for, and thinks Magni did a great job. Maybe I should go back and actually watch Magni's performance. Nah, fuck that.

After the break, we learn that tickets are now available for Supernova's upcoming world tour. If you buy them before midnight, you'll automatically be entered for a chance to win a trip for two to their opening night gig at The Joint in the Hard Rock Café in Vegas. So chances are good if you buy tickets tonight, you'll also win the trip.

Up next is Ryan, singing "Clocks" by Coldplay. While he's been killing it the last few weeks, tonight isn't one of his better performances. I don't think it's all his fault. Chris Martin has a hard voice to copy, as his falsetto is a direct result of being emasculated by Gwyneth. Ryan starts off playing the piano, but quickly jumps on top of it. From there, it's down onto the stage and then back to the piano and then back on top. His stage antics were like a mashup of Michelle Pfeiffer's turn in The Fabulous Baker Boys and Chicken George's recent stint as a pollen fluffer. Tommy is impressed by Ryan's ebony and ivory humpees, but not as impressed as he'd been had Ryan played the foot pedals with his schlong.

Storm is doing a song that's already been performed twice this season: "Bring Me To Life" by Evanescence. Once by Jill, and once by Zayra. May she rest in peace. Storm doesn't know the song and she doesn't know the lyrics. Which means her performance should still be better than Zayra's. Tonight, she's asked Toby to sing backup vocals for her. Evidently she doesn't know how to pick a backing singer either.

TheDave thinks Storm's performance was "all right," but Toby was "awesome!" Gilby says he still remembers when Jill did this song. But not Zayra?! Heretic! He says he has a feeling he's not going to remember Storm's version. Jason says that effort means a lot, and she gave it a good effort tonight, which is good enough for him. What the hell, Jason! You're not judging Rock Star: Special Olympics. Okay, not technically.

Toby says it's safe to say that he's the joker in the house. He always has some cake to shove in Ryan's face. (Cake. Australian for Thingie.) He was the first guy to streak around the pool. And he managed to get Dilana to strip for a song he didn't even want. He thinks his sense of humor will serve him well as the lead singer for Supernova. I wonder if he'll feel the same way the first time he wakes up with T-Bag's crank in his face. Or the fifth.

Tonight Toby is singing "Rebel Yell" by Billy Idol. In Week One, Lukas's version of this song prompted Tommy's first mic drop of the season. Will Toby's version prompt any Tommy droppings? Well, considering he brings a posse of hoochies from the crowd up on stage, I'm guessing the only thing Tommy's dropping tonight is his pants. And when T-Bag tells him to "grab the girls and head back to his dressing room" I know I'm right.

Dilana is the final performer tonight, singing "Mother Mother" by Tracy Bonham. I was pretty hard on Dilana for her behavior last week. As many alert readers pointed out in the comments, she was just acting like a rock star. While that's debatable, tonight she was definitely performing like a rock star, because she was awesome! Sorry. But I while I thought she might have blown her chances last week, she more than made up for it tonight. The only downside to her performance was when she humped the guitarist's head. Not because head-humping is necessarily bad, but because she humped his head with her 3,000 year old cooter.

TheDave says that out of two seasons of Rock Star, this might be his favorite performance of all. Tommy introduces himself as the "King of Mistakes" and says that the important thing is to learn from your mistakes. Which is why he's never going to bang Pamela Anderson again.

Before going off the air, Brooke reveals the initial bottom three: Storm, Ryan and Zayra. I mean Lukas. Sorry, force of habit.

THE RESULTS

Brooke starts off by saying the voting has increased every week. But last night the numbers hit an all-time high, more than doubling last week's vote, and the most votes ever in two seasons of Rock Star.

Hey, it's the obligatory recap of last night's ep, which you just read. Pardon me while I skip the insanity...

Back at the mansion, the rockers enjoyed a quiet celebration. Magni says the evening was amazing, because everyone delivered their best. "But at this point, 50% of us are going to the bottom three." Fractions are hot.

Storm says if you're in the bottom three, it doesn't mean you're not good. No, it just means that at least three people are gooder than you are. Lukas says he wouldn't be surprised if he were in the bottom three. "I'd just take it like a man and give it my, give it hell, eh?" Incomprehensible words from a little Hobbit, eh?

In the club, TheDave congratulates the rockers on the best show they've ever had. He adds that while they are the top six, tonight half of them will be singing for their lives. Wait, we're killing contestants now? Dammit, why'd we cut Zayra so fast?!

TheDave asks Storm why she always seems like she wants to sing in the bottom three. "Any chance to rock out for these guys and with this band is good for me," she answers. TheDave asks how she'd feel if she were in the bottom three tonight. "Pretty good," she says, "because I'd get to kick the snot out of something again." Jeez, I hope her puppy doesn't have a cold.

Next, TheDave asks Dilana if it's hard to think about saying goodbye to her friends. That's a real poser, since Dilana hasn't had any friends for nearly 27 centuries now. She tells TheDave it's extremely hard. In fact, it's like losing a limb. It reminds her of the time she had to chew off her left leg to escape a trap set by Azathoth in the caves of the Abyss. But that's another story for another time. Preferably over a tankard of elfin marrow.

TheDave asks Magni how he liked sitting for their In Touch photo shoot. Magni says he hated it. But that's only because Magni, like all Icelanders, is bred not to sit still for more than a few minutes at a time, for fear of sticking to a block of ice. In the middle of his explanation, TheDave interrupts, only to have Magni slap his pedophile ass down with a stern "Don't you interrupt me, young man." TheDave does not take kindly to this, and tells Magni "This is my show, sucka! And let me tell you this: This whole season, I've been saying things like 'I've got nothing to do with the vote... I've got no influence over these guys... My fingers do not smell like children... 'I lied, you sonofabitch." Ha! Even through my TV, I knew TheDave stank of children!

Finally, TheDave says enough of the yappin', he wants to get to the rockin'! And with that, Jason introduces the new Supernova song, called "It's On". He says they had all the rockers audition, and the lucky singer tonight is Lukas of the Shire. So fire up the one-hits, kids, it's time for some Hobbit-rock!

I forget who said it in the forums, but Tommy Lee drums like the fate of the world depended on his keeping the beat. If only Lukas sang like the fate of the world depended on his being intelligible. I really can't say if the song is any good or not, because I can't understand a damn word he says. Of course, that could just be my percocet cocktail, but I kind of doubt it.

After the break, Brooke announces the winner of "Best Supernova Website" contest. Since it's not me, I don't give a shit.

Before we get to this week's encore, Gilby reminds the rockers that they still have a record to put together. So tomorrow he's going to take the remaining five rockers over to Gibson for a songwriting clinic. And he's going to help each of them individually write a new Supernova track. I wonder if any of them will be as memorable as Gilby's many other hits.

Next, it's time for the encore. After TheDave said that Dilana's performance last night was the best he's seen in two seasons, it's got to be her, right? Wrong. It's Toby, resinging "Rebel Yell" by Billy Idol. Will he bring another group of hoochies up on stage with him? Nope, but he does rub Magni's head for luck.

Brooke retakes the stage to reveal the bottom three. As I told you just a few paragraphs back, it was Ryan, Storm and Lukas. But those were just the initial results. Over the course of the evening, Toby and Dilana were also in the bottom three. That means everyone but Magni has a chance to be eliminated tonight. Looks like rubbing his own head all night paid off for the Iceman.

TheDave says he's surprised by the results: "After last night's performances, nobody should be standing up." Especially T-Bag, who's still dreaming of Toby's hoochies.

Okay, this is where the show gets confusing. Brooke says that tonight is the first time we've ever known who has received the most votes. Don't they count the votes every week? How else do they know who's in the bottom three? I'm definitely calling shenanigans on this one.

The first rocker in the real bottom three is Magni. Nah, just kidding. It's Ryan. To save his angsty ass, he'll be singing "Baba O'Riley" by The Who. Or should I say screaming? Here's the thing with Ryan: he has a really good voice, but only when he sings. And this song isn't meant to be sung; it's meant to be screamed. And Ryan's not a good screamer. He tries to amp up his performance, spraying a bottle of champagne, climbing on and jumping off the speakers, showing some plumber's crack, but it just seems like he's trying too hard.

Next in the bottom three is Storm, who's really excited for the chance to perform again. Not because she's a camera whore or anything... She's going to cover "Helter Skelter," one of her favoritist Beatles tunes of all time, and, in her opinion, one of the first punk rock songs ever. Thank goodness The Beatles did it originally and not Storm, or punk rock would never have existed.

Unbelievably, the last rocker in the bottom three is Dilana. T-Bag cannot believe that Dilana is up there. Honestly, neither can I. Of course, I also can't believe the song she's going to sing to save herself: "Psycho Killer" by The Talking Heads. Not that it's a bad song, but it's certainly not a Supernova song. Nor, evidently, is it a song for potential Supernova fans, as Dilana loses the crowd when she goes off on some operatic run during the chorus. It's as if Il Divo were to grow a collective vagina and... Wait, that's redundant. Anyway, it's not good. In fact, it's a total disaster. Could Dilana really be going home tonight? We'll have to wait till after the break to find out...

And we're back. Gilby says that while Ryan has clearly progressed the most since the start of the competition, they don't know if he's right for their band, Supernova. As for Storm, she's been solid over the past few weeks, but they really haven't seen a lot of growth from her. (He wants growth from Storm? Just wait until till he and Tommy get their test results back after tonight's lap dance....) And while Dilana's performance wasn't good, she's earned a ton of credit with the band. So who's it going to be? Let's ask the Tommy Hawk.

T-Bag tells the rockers that they were all awesome, but in the end it's about what's best for the band. And while Ryan's come the farthest over the past nine weeks, he's also the next to go.

WTF?!

There's no way Ryan should be going home before Storm. What do you bet the producers told the band they had to keep her, just so it wouldn't three guys and a hobbit versus one living dead girl in the final weeks? SHENANIGANS!!

Agree? Disagree? Give a crap?

Posted by copygodd at 8:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (22)

It was another great episode of Project Runway and the remaining designers received a great surprise from Heidi. Katie and Andy were here in the studio for the Live Blog. Click on the picture above to play.

Posted by J-Unit at 8:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Get ready, folks! The world of info-tainment is about to be rocked! Not since the glory days of Mary Hart and Leeza Gibbons have we seen so much alleged fur fly on the set of a flashy, vapid, and generally useless entertainment show. That's right, incumbent Access Hollywood hostess Nancy O'Dell has seen a challenge to her toothy throne: the one and only Maria Menounos. According to the always reliable Star Magazine, the two women have commenced a feud of epic proportions, to the point where they can't be in the same room together (kind of like "intellectualism" and Billy Bush). The brouhaha started when Nancy "Dude, You're Getting" O'Dell complained to producers that Maria isn't interested in being a journalist. She just wants to be a star! And let's face it, only the most accomplished Pulitzer winners belong on Access Hollywood.

According to the magazine, Nancy also alleged that Maria's been given special treatment to receive greater airtime and more days off to work on movies -- you know, like her seminal role as "Sexy Nurse" in The Fantastic Four. Of course, Maria "I look Latina but I'm really Greek" Menounos has countered all these claims, saying Nancy's just jealous because Maria's "younger and prettier." She then added, "I'd also like to mention that I'm rubber, and she's glue. Whatever she says bounces of me and sticks to you. Well, her really. It doesn't work in the third person. I apologize."

We'll keep an eye on this story as it unfolds. With any luck, some Pat O'Brien voicemails will enter into the mix. For more, check out the article here. Thanks to TVgasm reader Nekeisha for sending us the link.

Posted by B-side at 3:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Welcome to my first attempt at recapping Prison Break. Umnata did an awesome job last week, and I just hope I can get from A to B without dropping the ball. I have never recapped a show this dense, or, actually, any show that wasn't completely mindless drivel. If I get stuff wrong, please let me hear about it! Anyway, I'm excited to be here. On with the show.

Previously: Lincoln learns that L.J. has been arrested for the attempted murder of the evil Secret Service guy and is also being charged with the murders of his mom and stepdad. Geary, the crooked prison guard, accuses Bellick of also being crooked; Bellick spits back that he doesn't get caught, meaning that Geary is dumb enough to get caught. Michael ditches Tweener during the escape, and Tweener hitches a ride toward St. Louis in the back of some dude's truck.

Still previously (this update was long, but I appreciated it): C-Note confronts Michael about the $5 million that Westmoreland, a.k.a. D.B. Cooper (?!), hid in Utah before he bit the big one. Veronica totally gets killed while she is on the phone with Lincoln. Abruzzi chops off T-Bag's hand, and T-Bag forces some poor innocent South Asian vet to sew it back on. Michael tells Link about the getaway car he has set up for, well, just the two of them. The FBI dude, Agent Mahone, almost catches the escapees at the cemetery, because he has Wentworth's crazy tattoo all figured out.

Now, no longer previously, Mahone is on the phone in what appears to be a backyard. I know that this actor's name is Bill Fichtner and he was in Invasion, but I have never seen that show, and all I can think about when I look at this guy is that he's a perfect Christopher Walken lite. Not just his appearance, but the way he moves and everything too. To summarize: He's awesome.

Mahone asks to have the Mexican police set up some checkpoints fifty miles inside Mexico. He also says that Warden Pope should be cut out of the loop. While Mahone is on the phone, we keep getting this weird close-up of a birdbath in the yard. He hangs up and walks over to the birdbath in this significant, weighty manner. He stares into it. He sees his own reflection. That's deep. It's almost as though he's trying to see inside of his soul. Do you think maybe we're supposed to get that Mahone is a DEEP and REFLECTIVE guy?

O, Birdbath, when wilst thou reveal thy holy mysteries unto thy faithful servant?

Wentworth Miller is standing in a public place wearing a stupid disguise. I mean, he's wearing the same suit he had on last week, but he's doing this ballcap-and-glasses thing that is only ever done by people in disguise, or else possibly by Matt Damon. He's reading a newspaper. It has a headline about the manhunt for himself and his colleagues. He watches some guy unloading some picnic stuff from the back of his minivan.

Meanwhile, Link and Sucre and C-Note are hiding in a dark and dingy little room, and they're starting to argue. C-Note is breaking it down for Sucre about the fact that Wentworth and Link are going to leave them hanging. Abruzzi is just listening, which you know is totally the smartest thing to do. C-Note starts to talk smack about how maybe he and Sucre will just go and get the $5 million themselves. Link loses his temper and some minor scuffling breaks out. This is such a horror-movie cliché, how these guys in a tense situation and a small space start to turn on each other, thereby leading to their own demise. Just then Michael busts in. He looks like a total dork in his stupid hat and glasses. He makes them stop fighting, because he is their Charismatic Leader.

(By the way, I started out calling Lincoln "Linc," and then all I could think about was Link from The Legend of Zelda, so I just changed it to "Link." I like to play the Legend of Zelda music in my head when he comes onscreen.)

The minivan guy discovers that some stuff is missing from the back of his minivan. Turns out that that sneaky Michael has run off with the minivan family's pic-a-nic lunch, just like Yogi Bear. Cut to Abruzzi scarfing down the minivan family's chicken. Ah, nothing like a nice meal to calm everyone's nerves. It doesn't last long, though, because Abruzzi quickly starts calling C-Note and Sucre "amateurs." Meanwhile, Link sees in the paper that L.J. is about to have a hearing.

Michael comes over to the three disposable crooks and totally cuts them loose, handing them some cash. He tells Abruzzi that he still isn't going to tell him where Fibonacci is. Huh? Wasn't that part of the deal? But Abruzzi doesn't even want to know. I don't get it. Anyway, the Three Stooges act peaceful about being paid off and ditched. They speculate about what happened to the other three guys - Tweener, Haywire, and T-Bag - and wonder whether T-Bag is dead.

T-Bag is not dead. He's busy getting his hand sewed back on with no anesthesia, by a vet in a small-town vet's office, on a moment's notice. I have to agree with everyone who has commented that this is one of the most redonkulous things ever to happen on this show, or possibly, on any show. On the other hand (gong!), this vet can now open up a side business called "Dr. Patel's Walk-In Hand Reattachment Emporium."

T-Bag looks at his freshly sewed-on hand. Are we supposed to believe that this hand is actually going to work, and not just turn black and drop off again within a day or two? So, in other words, the vet reconnected all of the bones, muscles, tendons, veins, arteries, and nerves? Damn. T-Bag's hand looks pretty gross and he responds to the sight by hurling in his own lap.

This vet's day just keeps getting worse.

Michael tells Link that it's time to go - a quick stop in Utah to pick up the loot, and then it's off to Mexico. Link tells Michael about L.J.'s hearing. Wouldn't you know it, he doesn't want to vanish and leave his kid in the lurch. Of course Michael can't really argue with this, even though he tries. Link says they have to snatch L.J. from the courtroom today - after that, he'll be in prison and then they would have to, well, break him out. He points out that Veronica (a.k.a. Duckface - thanks, Umnata) already got snuffed. Michael says they will have to get L.J. later because right now, "There's no plan in place." I'm starting to get the feeling that this Michael guy is kind of anal. Can't do anything without a whole damn elaborate plan. I bet he's no fun at all for a spontaneous night out on the town. He'd be all, "Hang on a second, before we can leave, I have to have the coordinates of the restaurant tattooed on my ass in the form of a fake phone number."

The Three Stooges say their goodbyes to Michael and Link. There is an especially touching hug between Michael and Sucre. Aw - roomies! Sucre says that he will "die trying" to get Maricruz back. Uh ... foreshadowing much? It's sad, I like Sucre, but I have rarely seen a character so obviously marked for a heartbreaking death. The Stooges walk off into the sunset. Michael is then forced to agree to Link's utterly insane plan to snatch L.J.

We're back at Fox River. Bellick and another guard are bitching about the escape. Bellick says this proves why you should never let women in the military, the police, or the prison-guarding profession. Unfortunately, he kind of has a point. It's not like Dr. Tancredi made some mistake that anyone else with her job, male or female, would also have made. No, she screwed up because she had the hots for a sexy inmate and he hypnotized her with his piercing blue eyes. Thanks for setting womankind back fifty years in the workplace, Dr. Tancredi! Bellick calls Tancredi "Dr. Sweet Cheeks," which sounds like something Mel Gibson would say. Pope interrupts to tell Bellick that they have been pulled off the case, and the FBI is in charge now. Bellick is not cool with this. Pope says that the two of them have been called to a meeting at the Department of Corrections.

Tweener is hanging out in a train station in St. Louis. He pickpockets a guy's wallet and contemplates stealing the identity of one Scott Holbrenner.

In the garage where the getaway car is parked, Link calls the courthouse pretending to be a reporter so he can get the time of the hearing. He tells Michael that it's at 3:00 and that he has a plan to pose as L.J.'s attorney. Yeah, that should work. Meanwhile, Michael succeeds in starting the car.

Pope and Bellick are getting grilled by a panel of suits in a room filled with dark wood bookshelves. Looks like Pope is getting skewered for being such a patsy. Pope says that he trusted Wentworth. He doesn't explain about the popsicle-stick Taj Mahal. Gee, whyever not? Bellick is also on the hook, for the fact that the prisoners were able to dig a hole in the floor while they were on work duty. Pope says that prisoners always work really slowly, so it wouldn't have seemed weird that they were taking forever to finish their actual work. Yes, but that doesn't really answer the question of why no one was ever watching them.

The panel takes it up a notch, asking Bellick if it's true that he sold the right to supervise the work detail to the highest bidder. Pope seems to actually think that Bellick is being falsely accused. Then Geary walks in as a surprise witness, and Pope and Bellick both appear to be scared shitless. Remember, Geary was actually guilty of shaking down the inmates, but our escapee pals also set him up for allegedly abusing Wentworth, with the whole burned-guard-shirt deal.

I smell a rat.

Geary tells the panel that Bellick sold the work detail to John Abruzzi. Bellick is squeezed into admitting it, although he says he had no reason to suspect that an escape plot was in the works. Pope just looks sick. I actually feel sorry for him. The panel sends Bellick and Pope out into the hallway; Geary has a total shit-eating grin on his face. Out in the hallway, Pope is just disgusted; he has nothing to say to Bellick.

The hand-sewing vet is cleaning up his workspace. T-Bag's hand is nicely bandaged. The vet offers him some antibiotics and painkillers. He says that for his dog and cat patients, he recommends these be coated in peanut butter, but for T-Bag, that shouldn't be necessary. Oh, this guy is about to come to a bad end. He tells T-Bag he can leave, and the Bag says, "Oh, I'm leavin'. You're not." Ah, the good old criminal-on-the-run, sew-me-up-and-then-I-kill-you routine. Seriously, why do the doctors in these situations always cooperate with the criminals? They never let them live in the end.

The vet tries to get away and T-Bag catches him and holds some kind of implement to his throat. He delivers an extra-creepy speech: "Now, you did me a solid, so I'm gonna return the favor. This can go down humanely if you don't fight, but if you pull a stunt like that again, it's gonna get inhumane right quick. Your call. But one way or another, I am puttin' you down, doc." Ugh. This actually kind of made my skin crawl.

But wait: Let's get back to how stupid this is. That magical hand surgery had to take at least an hour, right? And I know that T-Bag refused the anesthesia, but surely there was a moment here or there when the vet could have slipped out of the room and then out of the clinic. Or used the phone. This guy was never a prisoner; he's not locked in; T-Bag showed up with no gun and one hand floating in a cooler, having lost tons of blood, and now he's lost even more and he's just been puking. You mean to tell me that there was no point over the course of the past hour when this vet could have made his escape? Or did he not think he needed to? Maybe he thought T-Bag was just a nice guy in some kind of totally understandable situation. Or maybe he thought that the Hippocratic Oath, or whatever oath vets take, obligated him to sew on this psycho's hand, just as a favor. All righty then. Moving on.

At the courthouse, L.J. has a visitor. We're supposed to think it's going to be Link in his brilliant lawyer disguise, but it turns out to be Agent Mahone. Mahone tries to pull some Jedi mind tricks on L.J., opening the conversation with an homage to how smart Michael and Link were to pull off their escape. Huh - trying to psych out a messed-up fifteen-year-old. Mahone really is a Zen master. Unfortunately, it doesn't work and L.J. remains snarky. Mahone asks L.J. to help the FBI bring the escapees in peacefully by going on TV and pleading with them to come home. L.J. points out that the government has set both him and his dad up for murder, so he's not inclined to cooperate. Mahone gets mad and tells L.J. to save himself and not to sacrifice himself for his dad. Then he delivers a veiled threat that he is going to make sure that L.J. gets a really nasty cellmate if he doesn't cooperate. Wow, threatening a fifteen-year-old with ass-rape. That's some top-shelf FBI work right there.

By the way, L.J. is the oldest-looking fifteen-year-old I've ever seen. I'd say he looks more like twenty-six. So if you feel, as I do, that this show already encompasses more than its fair share of pedophilia allusions, it should be pretty easy not to mentally cast L.J.'s plight in those particular terms.

Maybe next Agent Mahone will threaten to bust L.J. for buying beer for all of the other high-school kids.

Tweener tries to buy a train ticket to Utah. He gets really nervous when he sees someone reading the paper with his picture on the front page. He finds out that there are no trains to Utah until tomorrow, so he asks how far he can get today on $45.00. I've got news for you, Tweener: You cannot get too damn far on Amtrak for 45 bucks. I would say that's worth about a two-hour train ride, at least over here in the Northeast corridor. I think if you want to get from St. Louis to Utah, you're going to have to do a little fundraising. Anyway, Tweener abandons the whole transaction and bolts because he's afraid he's about to be recognized.

Link calls the courthouse and asks for L.J., pretending to be Nick and reciting Nick's "bar number" as proof. Hey, does that really work? I have never heard of this practice of criminal lawyers identifying themselves by their bar numbers. It seems like a really dumb idea, because, well, because of exactly what is happening in this scene. Also, hasn't Nick been dead for at least a couple of days? I guess word hasn't reached the courthouse? L.J. gets on the phone and it's kind of cute how he smiles when he realizes it's his dad. L.J. tells Link that he's heard he's going to be sent to an adult facility in Kingman, Arizona. He asks whether Link has heard from Veronica, who didn't show up for court today. Link lies and says no.

L.J. tells Link about the visit from Mahone. Then Link gets to the point of the call and delivers a coded message: "On the third, look out for Otis Wright. Until then, keep your head up." L.J. looks as confused as I do. He says he loves his dad. (This whole time he has been pretending that he's actually talking to Nick, for the benefit of the guard standing by.) Link hangs up and tells Michael it's time to go. As they drive away, he drops his cell phone out the car window. (On purpose.)

Oh, Christ. I had hoped we'd seen the last of the vet and the Bag, but we have not. Instead, the vet has been stripped to his shorts and tied up on an exam table. So I assume he cooperated in this? Because if not, that magical hand is really healing rapidly. The vet tells T-Bag that his acts in this lifetime are going to determine his fate in the next. T-Bag says that he is "more a here-and-now type." However, he nonetheless counters with an alternate spiritual belief: the Native American idea that when one warrior kills another, he absorbs the spirit of his victim. Under this theory, the vet is about to become part of T-Bag. This is just about as comforting as you'd expect it to be. T-Bag proceeds to put the vet down by lethal injection. I'm sorry, but I just cannot get over the way that this bleeding one-handed freak has managed to completely subdue this able-bodied man without any realistic threat of force. GAH.

Did I do a good enough job of tying myself up for you, Mr. Bag?

Michael goes into a hardware store to get some supplies. Link waits outside on the sidewalk, which is not the best plan, because some woman recognizes him and hails a passing cop. Um, dude, it probably would have been better to go in the store with Mikey or else wait in the car. I've heard that sidewalks are not the greatest of hiding places. Link realizes he's been made and goes into the store to get Michael, just as the cop walks in behind him.

After the commercial, the store owner leads the cop over to where Michael and Link were standing, but of course they've zipped out the back door or something. Unfortunately for them, the cops have found their car, and they are forced to abandon it. This doesn't sit well with Mr. Gotta Plan Everything, but the more devil-may-care Link doesn't seem too fazed.

Elsewhere, Tweener is posing as a college student on campus. He's wearing a St. Louis Tech sweatshirt - this was the school of some guy who was standing behind him in line at the train station. Wait, did he steal that guy's clothes or something? I'm so confused. Tweener studies a ride board and snags the number of a girl named "Debra Jean Belle" who is driving to Utah. I love how everyone on this show just calls it "Utah," as if there were only one place in the state that a person could go. It might make sense in the context of talking about going to get Westmoreland's money (assuming that Michael does know the actual location), but if you are advertising on a ride board, don't you need to say a little more about where you are going than just the name of the state? I mean, if you just say, "Hey, does anybody need a ride to Utah," then all you're going to get is the sketchy drifters who don't really care where they end up. Oh, wait. Nice job, Debra Jean Belle. Tweener steals the whole flyer so that no one else can take her up on her generous offer.

Back at the meeting of the Department of Corrections, Pope gets three months' probation and Bellick gets canned. It seems a little odd that they didn't even try to find out whether Pope knew what Bellick was up to. I mean, I know he didn't, but shouldn't the buck stop at the top? Three months seems a bit light, considering everything that's gone down on Pope's watch. I can't believe the taxpayers are going to be too psyched to have him running Fox River again after he spends a few minutes in the timeout chair.

Bellick is really freaked out, because he's worked for Fox River since he was eighteen. Well, you should have thought of that before you turned all corrupt, mister. However, it does seem a little off that he doesn't get an appeal or anything. Isn't this a government job? Then Pope proves himself to be an even bigger idiot than we already knew, by saying that if Bellick is fired, then he quits, because he won't abandon one of his own men. DUDE. You just found out that this guy was taking cash bribes in exchange for allowing a mafia boss to run the entire work program at the prison. Now you're falling on your sword for him? This is even dumber than leaving a convicted felon alone in your office so he can build a popsicle-stick Taj Mahal for your wife. No, on second thought, it might be a tiny bit less dumb than that. But it's close.

Outside the courthouse, Link tells Michael that if Michael winds up back in Fox River, Link isn't coming to bust him out. I guess that was supposed to be a joke, but it seems pretty freaking ungrateful nonetheless. Then Link tries to give Michael an out from this new harebrained "bust out L.J." plan, but Michael doesn't take it. They go up the courthouse fire escape or something.

Gotta love the security at this courthuse. And yes, that extra Wentworth and see-thru Link were really in the shot. I smell a Brett Ratner.

There is a creepy scene of T-Bag washing up in the sink next to the dead vet. I start to wonder if the vet is actually still alive. I mean, it's not like T-Bag would know what exact dosage of cat euthanasia to shoot into this guy. Of course, the vet has been so cooperative in his own demise, he probably directed T-Bag to a calculator in his desk drawer, told him his exact weight in grams, and explained to him how to do the math to figure out the dose.

Mahone is harassing L.J. again. He says he knows that L.J. recently took a call from Nick; L.J. says that's covered by attorney-client privilege. However, Mahone breaks the news that Nick was found dead an hour before the phone call. Aha. L.J.'s eyes get very big. Mahone plays a recording of the call and asks who Otis Wright is; L.J. says he doesn't know. Mahone issues some more threats.

Link and Michael are on the roof of the courthouse. They have a duffel bag - I guess this is all stuff they either bought or stole from the hardware store, because supposedly all of their stuff from before that was in their car. Michael has a yellow plastic water gun, and he spray-paints it black while Link does something with some ropes.

Inside, L.J. is being steered down a hallway after his meeting with Mahone. Mahone is walking along behind him. As L.J. and his guard wait for the elevator, L.J. notices the number three and realizes that "On the third, look out for Otis Wright" could be a reference to the third floor. He remembers his father saying "Until then, keep your head up," so he looks up and sees a sign that says "Otis Manufacturing." Oh, come on now. So apparently Link has OCD-level knowledge of the courthouse, in the same exact way that Michael had OCD-level knowledge of the prison, but at least Michael helped renovate the prison and then planned the escape for months. We're supposed to believe that Link notices these types of details and plots out these types of clues on a moment's notice? Also, is L.J. really that smart?

Apparently so, because L.J. next realizes that he should make sure he gets on the elevator on the right ("Wright") and then misses the other elevator by pretending that he has to tie his shoe. As he and his guard get onto the "right" elevator, Mahone notices the Otis sign and shoos the guard off, saying that he'll escort L.J. himself. Bummer.

After the commercial, Mahone starts to ruminate to L.J. about the "Otis Wright" clue, but he doesn't have to wonder about it for long, because Michael and Link immediately appear on top of the elevator (removing a ceiling panel) and threaten Mahone with their fake gun. It almost works, but they end up dropping the fake gun and it makes a piddly little plastic sound, so Mahone stops cooperating. He offers Link a deal whereby if they give themselves up, L.J. can walk. Not too convincing, if the state actually believes L.J. committed those two murders. There's a whole big struggle and ultimately L.J. does NOT get away through the ceiling. Nobody gets hurt or anything.

The elevator opens up at the next floor and Mahone busts out and tells everyone that Scofield and Burroughs are in the building. Michael and Link get away by stealing a furniture truck out front. They got shot at, but no harm, no foul, or so we think.

Bellick is at home. He's very depressed over the loss of his job. Cry me a river, buddy. Maybe he'll kill himself. I'm not going to be too broken up about that. But then - aw - we find out that he lives with his elderly mother, and he can't bring himself to tell her that he lost his job. Okay, this is sad. His mother leaves the room and he assembles a shotgun.

Pope is in his office. Hey, there's the popsicle-stick Taj Mahal! Oh, how I missed you. He picks up one of those cardboard boxes that people on TV always use when they're "cleaning out their desks." I don't think that Taj Mahal is going to fit in there, Pope. Suddenly I realize that we are going to see the Taj smashed to smithereens. It's been begging for it ever since it was first conceived in the writers' apparently drug-addled brains. You see, the Taj is no longer a symbol of Pope's love for his wife. Instead, it has become a symbol of his betrayal by his beloved Michael Scofield. Sure enough, the normally peace-loving Pope approaches the Taj with his fists clenched in a menacing manner. We get a flashback to all of the love between Pope and his boyfriend Mikey, and then another flashback of the manner in which it all went so very, very sour. Oh, Wentworth, how could you do this to me? Pope grabs a lamp and gets to smashin'.

Take that, landmark of world architecture!

T-Bag walks out the door of the vet's office. He's very neatly attired, I guess in the vet's clothes. We see that the sign outside just says "Clinic - Dr. Marvin Gudat", and then a tiny little "D.V.M." Yeah, I guess that's the source of the whole initial confusion where T-Bag thought he could get his hand sewed on there. Hey, Dr. Gudat, you might want to consider putting something on your sign that will actually let people know that you're a vet without them having to decipher those fancy letters after your name. Might be good for business. Oh, never mind - you're dead. T-Bag steals the vet's car and checks himself out in the mirror. He looks almost respectable - he seems to have done his hair, complete with fresh highlights. He dials up OnStar and asks for directions to Utah. Argh! AGAIN, people - if you are asking for DIRECTIONS to Utah, you probably need to give just a little bit more information.

The Bag is lookin' sharp.

Tweener meets up with Debra Jean on campus for the ride to Utah. It's all very awkward as he tries to do his best impersonation of an actual college student with legitimate business in Utah. Debra Jean is fresh-faced and adorable, i.e., ripe for the victimizin'.

Bellick is pointing the shotgun at his own face, but just in the nick of time, his mom yells out from the next room that there are now cash rewards on the escapees' heads. The payouts are 300 grand for bringing in Lincoln and 100 grand apiece for the others. Huh - Sucre is worth the same amount as Michael, and the same amount as a psychopathic multiple child rapist and murderer like T-Bag? Seems a bit unfair. The news of these cash rewards appears to give Bellick a reason to live. Somehow I don't think he would actually qualify to collect, given that (a) until this morning, he was a law-enforcement officer whose actual job was to track these guys, and (b) he was slightly complicit in helping them escape. But hey, if it puts the spring back in his step, then that's all that matters. He puts the shotgun down.

Some cops surround the truck that Michael and Link stole, but for the thousandth time, it magically turns out that they aren't in the place where the cops thought they'd be. They're on foot, a little ways away. And oopsy - turns out that Link has a bullet wound in his leg, and they can hear sirens approaching.

L.J. is strongarmed out of the courthouse and driven away in a correctional van. Mahone sees the blood spilled outside the courthouse and realizes that either Michael or Link is wounded. He tells his men to alert all the hospitals, because Michael and Link will either turn themselves in, or else they'll die. Seems like he's assuming a lot without knowing what body part got shot, but okay. And that's the end of the show. Slightly anticlimactic, if you ask me. On the plus side, there was no sign of the president or the Secret Service. This is good news because that storyline totally confuses me. And the best news of all is that Nick and Veronica are both still dead.

Previews: Michael and Link show up at some hot chick's apartment asking for help. Dr. Tancredi gets arrested. C-Note shows up at his little girl's school. Sucre gets pulled over. A car blows up, and we are teased with the news that someone has broken out of prison, only to end up dead at the bottom of a ditch. My guess would be Haywire, since the show seems to have abandoned him anyway, but let's face it, most of these guys are disposable. See you next week!

Posted by Amanda at 2:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (20)

My Own, MTV, 08/25/06

In the spirit of giving you reality star updates today, we move onto Erika from Beauty & The Geek. For those of you who don't remember, she's the "life-sized Barbie doll" (give or take a few pounds) who fell in love with dreamy Brad on season one. (Her geek partner, Joe, meanwhile was famous for blushing, freestyling, and being a virgin.) Well, Erika may not have won the grand prize on Ashton Kutcher's show, but that hasn't stopped her from thinking big. She's dropped the geeks and moved onto the jocks by attempting to channel the spirit of the former Mrs. Lachey. Yes, in this clip from My Own, Erika sings her heart out, all in the name of being one man's very own Jessica Simpson. Word to the wise: keep the volume low...

Posted by B-side at 11:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Every now and then, we here at TVgasm like to check in on our favorite reality stars and see what they're doing to prolongue their time in the limelight. Today, we look at "Cherry," the spurned damsel from Flavor of Love who happily recalled the sheer joy she received from Flavor Flav groping her "cocoa puff." She wasn't long for that VH1 matchmaking show; so she did the next best thing: she slid on down to sister network MTV and took control of the situation on Next. Now she gets to choose who stays or goes. Full reality update after the jump.

First off: Cherry's real name is Mieko. And apparently she's only 25, despite her baggy eyes and generally mid-thirties appearance.

She's still just as crazy...

But now she's a lesbian!

First prospect: a butch pitbull of a lady called ShaBreea. Apparently she was named after actor Shia LeBeouf and LaBrea avenue in Los Angeles.

Funny thing about lesbians. They don't always like to dress like disco clowns. NEXT!

Meet Bathilda, or as I like to call her, the human surfboard. She says that Cherry will fall in love with her once she finds out "I'm made in Thailand." So basically she's a tranny.

Sadly, Cherry is unaware that she's dating a thirteen year old boy.

At last, Cherry finds romance. A fairy tale romance indeed!

Posted by B-side at 11:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

• The War on Paris was handed a huge victory today! Much to my delight, Paris Hilton's debut album, Paris, is a complete bomb, moving only 75,000 units in its first week. No one is really shocked that the CD sucks, but many were surprised to find that it swallows. [Boston Herald]

• Movie poison, Colin Farrell, has been granted a restraining order against Dessarae Bradford, the woman who verbally assaulted him at a taping of the Tonight Show on July 20. Bradford is required to stay away from Farrell, his 2 year old son, and Farrell's Baby Mama, model Kim Bordenave. The fact that the restraining order happens to protect Bradford from herpes, Chlamydia and HPV, happens to be a bonus. [Washington Post]

• In case those skanks on Wisteria Lane weren't skanky enough ABC plans an Americanized version of the Brit soap Footballer$ Wive$. [TV Guide]

• Current American Idol, Taylor Hicks, has settled his lawsuit with his pre-Idol record producer, thus preventing the release of Hicks' previously recorded songs. The case preventing any of Hicks' future recordings is still pending, but dear God, we're hopeful. [AP]

• On Wednesday, Suri's Bronzed Baby Poop sculpture goes on display. Yes, it's exactly what it sounds like. [E! Online]

Posted by Umnata at 7:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Things are getting nutty in Big Brother land! With the number of house guests dwindling, the backstabbing is reaching epic proportions, and Chill Town, with its tentacles on every last alliance, looks to be on borrowed time. But that might be enough for them because once again, they have shown that they're a force to be reckoned with. Erika, meanwhile, has proven to be exactly what we feared: a sweet, naive sheep who plays with her heart and not with her head. It was equal parts frustrating and awesome watching her play tonight. Frustrating because we could see her making what could be a tragic mistake for her gaming chances. Awesome because the sheer levels of manipulation in the household are a sight to behold. No other reality show has allegiances and alliances so intertwined and complex. Everyone's playing each other, and quite honestly, I have no idea how this rollercoaster season will end up.

Last night's episode began where Sunday's left off: the nomination ceremony. Erika unsurprisingly put Janelle and Chicken George on the chopping block. Kind of made sense from her perspective. What didn't make sense was why Chicken George left the ceremony carting off the nomination box. Shouldn't that be Erika's job? It seems like adding insult to injury, forcing the man into manual labor mere seconds after imperiling his chances for half a million dollars.

Anyway, Erika reminded us that she nominated Janelle because she saw her as a huge threat that she might not be able to beat in the end. Will, however, wanted to keep Janelle around (kept the target off him and his loyal sidekick, Boogie), but truth be told, as long as neither of them were nominated for eviction, he'd be happy. Later, while Dr. Will and Mike Boogie loitered in the kitchen, an awestruck George said in his best wino voice, "There's still a lot of chill left in the town! How is that possible?" I wasn't quite sure what he was getting at, but I imagined it had to do with the amazing feat that those two clowns were still in the house.

"They don't even mess with the doctor," George then said of his fellow house guests, "The baddest player in reality show history. Let's not mess with him though!" Strange how no one wants to touch Dr. Will. I'm sure if George had been HOH, he'd surely change that! Oh wait...

"How Chill Town has made it this far, I have no idea," Chicken George then said. Yes, George, who would have thought that when you nominated James and Erika and then Howie at Chill Town's urgings, it would have caused Chill Town to actually advance in the game! What a co-inky-dink!

Later, at Will's urging, Janelle marched upstairs to kiss Erika's butt and tell her that she wasn't mad at her (she was) and that she wanted to go after Chill Town next week. Wait, Will couldn't have approved that last part, right? Was Janelle playing Chill Town after all? Not so much. She then told us that she had told a little "fib" to Erika, which meant that like so many others, Janelle was now firmly in the palm of Will and Boogie. Argh. Nevertheless, Janelle told Erika that if she survived the week, no worries. She wasn't coming after her next week, especially if they work together. "Hmmm... no one in the house coming after me? I think I'll take that deal!" Erika told us, displaying the first signs of the complacency that usually does in every player.

Downstairs, Will, Boogie, and Danielle played cards, and when Will asked if there was any benefit of keeping Janelle over Chicken George, Danielle replied, "Have you lost your mind, Will? No. Why would you consider that?" This, of course, was a poor move on her part because by showing dissatisfaction, she alerted Will that she was a potential threat to him, and if there's anything she should know by now, it's that Will merely asking about Janelle means she better start protecting her ass right now. You'd think she'd put two and two together, especially after she told us, "Janelle seems to be working with Chill Town. And then Erika won't nominate Chill Town. There's something wrong with this picture." Yup: you're on the outs! Better start scrambling!

But before any scheming could take place, there was big news. The much-hyped trampoline finally arrived! This resulted in plenty of bouncing around by Will, which in turn prompted accompanying sidekick bouncing by Boogie. I'm not even sure that Mike liked the trampoline. He probably just wanted to impress his Master. And as is the case with nearly any development in the Big Brother house, Boogie then put his stamp of poseur-ness on the trampoline by saying, "We got the pimp-oline. That's what I call it because it's the pimp trampoline!" Oh really? I didn't realize that pimp-oline stood for pimp trampoline. You see, I'm unable to process compound words. Portmanteaus, if you will. And by the way, nothing called pimp-oline could ever be truly pimp, mostly because it sounds like he said "Pimple Lean."

After the joy of the trampoline passed, we then returned to the HOH room where an earnest Danielle made the dreaded mistake of putting all her eggs in the Erika basket. She said she'd take her to the final two, "word on my kids." Yes, the kiss of the death: swearing on the spawn. I've yet to actually see such a move turn out well for a reality star. Nevertheless, Erika said she was with Danielle, and so the hubris parade began. An overly confident Danielle told us how she and Erika were so tight and have been all along. "We strategize so much with one another, and we think of every single option," Dani said, clearly overlooking how Erika opted to nominate Boogie's picks just hours earlier.

Danielle then floated the idea of winning the veto and taking George off and pitting Will against Janelle. Erika sounded like she was all fine with it, but then she told us that she had reservations on account of the fact that "I'm technically part of Chill Town." Yeah, um, bad news. You're not. But feel free to think that. It's always fun to watch another person get played.

Still, Danielle was optimistic that this would be her chance to finally attack Chill Town. "I am salivating for this to happen. It's like my ultimate goal inside this house is to kick Will out of All-Stars." I had a bad feeling about this. With James gone, Danielle was sounding a bit desperate -- motivated too much by anger and revenge, and not thinking straight. She then told Erika, "They need to recognize." Yeah sister! "Sometimes people that scumbag need to be scumbagged!" Go on with your bad self! "I got something wicked coming!" HELL YEAH!!! SHE WILL DESTROY ALL!!!!

We then went to commercial, and when we returned, we saw Dr. Will chuckling in bed to himself. According to the producers, he was dreaming about one thing: Neil Patrick Harris (who doesn't dream about him?). "Best show on television: How I Met Your Mother," Will said in a flashback. Apparently, he would not shut up about the guy (I personally thought he was pandering to the producers for a visit to the set). Well, on Sunday's show, the house guests won Christmas in August, and to help usher in this unseasonal event, none other than Doogie Howser himself snuck into the Big Brother compound to spread holiday cheer and mirth every which way he went. I immediately loved this segment because we suddenly found Neil in the diary room, talking about his experience in the house. Seriously, what other celeb would do that? In season three, Sheryl Crow barely inched off her little stage to hug the players. I could never imagine her deigning to step into the diary room. And I'm pretty sure no celebrity has dropped by since then (the mime in season four doesn't count). So big props to Neil Patrick Harris for not only stopping by, but gettin' all up close and personal with the guests. Between this and Harold and Kumar, I'm fairly convinced that there's no cameo he can't rock.

Even better, Neil then said he was a big fan of Big Brother. I'm not sure if he meant that or if CBS had forced it out of him, but I had a feeling it was sincere. Like I said before, if he didn't genuinely like the show, he probably wouldn't have ventured three feet beyond the backyard door from which he entered.

Well, Doogie entered the house and woke everyone up, and as you can imagine, no one was as thrilled as Dr. Will. "I was lying in bed, and as usual, I was having a dream about hanging out with Neil Patrick Harris. And it was no longer a dream!" Let's just hope it wasn't a wet dream, and let's just hope the sight of Neil Patrick Harris didn't set off any instinctual bodily reactions, if you know what I'm saying.

Anyway, the gang then brought him out into the kitchen where they treated him to a lovely bowl of Big Brother slop. "Wow, that's all kinds of nasty," Neil said. He then gave a Santa suit to George, and once he was changed into it, everyone headed outside to open presents under the Christmas tree. Unfortunately, we're in the middle of a little heat wave here in Los Angeles, and I was quite surprised that George in his suit didn't immediately pass out right there under the tree.

Well, everyone opened their presents, and Neil explained that he got most of them clothing. "If I see Mike Boogie wear a Dolce shirt one more time on this show, really..." Doogie scoffed. He then spoke of George, saying, "He's a little... um... simple." Yay euphemisms! It's okay, Neil. You can say "naturally lobotomized."

For his gift, George received a new pair of Converse sneakers, prompting him to say, "Aw, they got a cool star on them too!" Imagine that: a Converse sneaker with a star on it. Hey, wanna hear something crazy? My Nikes have a swoosh on them! Yes, a real SWOOSH! And my Lacoste shirt has an alligator! Am I lucky or what? I don't even want to tell you what's on my Pumas! (That's right! A PUMA!!!)

Neil then gushed a little about Janelle, saying she had a radiance, and then it was time for more fun on the trampoline. We discovered that Neil Patrick Harris is quite the tumbler as he executed a perfect flip mid-air. One word: Beijing 2008.

Well, this just made Will's day. "First the trampoline, and then Neil Patrick Harris?" he said incredulously. "What's next? I'm gonna win the show?" Quite possibly, sir.

Later, after Neil had returned to the outside world to collect his check, George hung out in the fitness room with Will and Mike, detailing how he once was struck by lightning. Wait, what? Yes, George has been singed by a heavenly flare. Kind of explains a lot, really. Of course, this led to Boogie noting, "If you've already been struck by lightning in life, is it really possible you're gonna win a game show of this magnitude? I don't think so because lightning doesn't strike twice, people. It doesn't." HILARIOUS! I didn't see that one coming at all! Somebody call Leno. We've got a new writer for him!

Anyway, this was all fun and good, but it was time to get back to the game. Will wanted to save Janelle and put Danielle up, but in order for that to happen, Boogie would have to work some "showmantical" magic. And this would require much effort because as we all know, Erika is not a pushover in the least! Well, that night, the two lovebirds cozied up, and Erika noted that Janelle had to go home this week, and then next week Chill Town would need to win HOH and send Danielle out. How very snakey, considering Erika was supposed to be allied with Danielle. This plan sounded nice and everything, but Boogie had some bad news: Danielle really should go this week instead. Wh-what? Erika was not expecting that. But oh well. I guess if Boogie says it's what has to be done, then that's what has to be done! As we went to commercial, Erika then said, "If I find out you're really just playing me, I'm gonna kick your ass." Chill Town? Playing someone? NEVER!

At the Veto competition, all the house guests were sequestered in different rooms. Why? Because it was the return of the face game! Remember last year when Big Brother morphed different faces together to make some of the most abhorrent creatures on this planet? Well, it looked like we were doing it again. Or were we? Turns out this challenge had to do with faces, but instead of using photoshop creatively, the producers merely showed ultra-cropped facial features from two people at a time, which wasn't nearly as fun to watch. In fact, it kind of sucked. Excuse me while I appeal to the producers now: dearest producers. We love you here at TVgasm. The But First challenge was legendary. However, this new spin on the face game is terrible. Please return the mash-ups next year. Feel free to make it a tradition. Sincerely, B-Side.

Lame competition! Boo!

Boobies! Yay!

Well, first up was Boogie, who happily threw the whole thing so that he wouldn't have to be in a position to make Erika angry. Next up was the HOH, and while she ran around like crazy, she did get a few combos wrong. Will then followed her and for once didn't seem like he was throwing the competition. Unfortunately, try as he may have, he just could not get anything right. He wasn't as bad as George, however, who was incapable of matching anything. The producers could have put the people's full faces up there, and he'd still be stumped, saying things like "Oh geez. You really got me. Aw, c'mon now!" for twenty mintues.

Next up was Janelle, who zipped around like a little hummingbird with a loose microphone pack, and according to the editing, she seemed to have kicked ass. And then there was Danielle, who told us, "I don't have to win the POV because I feel like I am safe." Always a bad sign. Still, she put in a strong effort because she wanted to win it anyway, and according to the editing, it looked like she too rocked the competition. But who would win?

Well, coming in last place was George with a time of 24:23. Erika trounced him with a much more efficient 1:51. As for Will, he didn't fare as well with his 3:19. But then there was super competitor Janelle. Her time: a whopping 1:00. Yes, that's sixty seconds. Considering there were five sets of facial features, that meant she spent twelve seconds on each one. Geez. Next was Danielle who clocked in a 1:23, which was also mightily impressive, but not impressive enough. Mike rounded out the crowd with his 7:42 time, which meant that once again, Janelle won the Golden Power of Veto. That's four vetos and three HOHs in this season alone. The girl is a powerhouse. I don't know what the cumulative numbers are, but there's no way that James is still the "Veto King" now.

Anyway, I was absolutely delighted that my girl won again and saved herself from potential elimination, but this all just made it clearer and clearer that Danielle was in jeopardy. My fears were further cemented when she confidently boasted, "Erika nad I had this deal, and she told me she wasn't going to put me up; so hopefully she doesn't. 'Cause if she doesn't put me up, guess what? She has to put someone from Chill Town!" Exactly. And the chances of that happening: .02%

After the competition, Danielle, Erika, and Janelle huddled together, smoked, and talked strategy. Danielle inexplicably ambled away, which left the two other girls to make plans. Janelle told us that if she acted like she was targeting Chill Town, then Erika might leave them in the house for her to go after next week. Another bit of brilliant craftiness. Not sure if that originated with Will or Janelle, but I had to respect it (even though it put Danielle in grave danger).

Meanwhile, in the pantry room, Will and Boogie danced triumphantly and extolled Janelle's Veto win. "That chick is unbelievable!" MIke said, then adding that he would get Erika to put Danielle up. I didn't know why he was so excited. Let's not forget that he and Will have been battling over which showmance to take to the final three. Will wanted Janelle. Boogie wanted Erika. If Danielle were to go home this week, that would leave Erika exposed next week, and together, Will and Janelle could take her out. But of course, it's no surprise that Boogie didn't see this. He's never been one for strategizing. He's more the "sit next to Will and bask in his reflected glory (whilst wearing five arm bands)" type.

Later, Boogie spoke to Erika and said that she was gonna have to break ties with Danielle. "At some point, Erika, you're going to have to be bad," he said. And wouldn't an impressively "bad" move be to take out her showmance's mancrush? I guess Boogie probably meant that she had to be bad to someone OTHER than Chill Town. Will then noted that without Danielle, it was the three of them against Chicken George and Janelle. Of course, if Erika were to take out Will, it would be her, Danielle, and George against Boogie and Janelle. So truthfully, the numbers game approach had no real legitimacy. Not that something like "logic" would ever matter in this house. Honestly, the best move for Erika would be to nominate Will. If he went home, then Boogie's loyalties would no longer be split, and Erika's relationship with Danielle wouldn't be ruined. In fact, Erika asked Boogie if it would be better for Will to go, but MIke's eyes merely went wide and an incredulous smile appeared on his face. "No! No! Not at all!" he said, almost as if Erika had just asked if she should light a firecracker in her mouth.

Erika then asked Boogie if he was going to take Will to the final two, and he replied, "I thought we were all going to have a conversation down the road." Translation: I'm leaving you behind, BITCH. C'mon, Erika. It's a noncommittal response! Use your head!!!

Later, Danielle asked Erika, "You're not putting me up, are you?"

"No," she replied. And by "No," she clearly meant, "YES YES YES!" Unfortunately, Danielle merely took the response at face value. She did nothing to ensure that Erika would stay true to her word (you know, like reminding her how bad of a move it would be to get rid of Danielle instead of Will).

Erika then said, "I gotta think," which should have been Danielle's big clue that things were not all hunky dory. If Erika has to think, that means that she's weighing the option of not putting Will up. And if she doesn't put Will up, she's coming after you, Danielle! Don't just stand there! Do something!

In her never ending attempt to not think for herself, Erika then summoned Janelle to her room for her advise. Of course, Janelle just did more Chill Town bidding as she endorsed a Danielle nomination. Ultimately, the two women made a deal to work together next week, and the meeting ended with superficial hugs and phony smiles. I know what you're thinking: Erika made a hasty deal with someone? SHOCKER!

Erika then called Boogie up to her den of seduction and asked for further validation for what would surely be a Danielle nomination. Mike noted that Janelle and Danielle are frontrunners to win and needed to be evicted, but when Erika asked "But what about Will?" Boogie responded, "Will doesn't give a fuck." Yeah, he clearly doesn't care. Can't you tell? That's why he's stuck around so long and made sure to carefully instruct everyone in the house in every situation. He just doesn't care!

"I feel like I'm going to be the Diane," Erika then said. "Bros before Hos." Here's a crazy idea: if you think you're going to be screwed over, get rid of Will! It's like saying, "I feel like if I put this loaded gun to my head and pull the trigger, I'm going to shoot myself in the head! But I'm going to do it anyway!"

After the commercial break, Danielle approached Erika outside to find out what the deal situation was. Erika revealed that she was going to put her up, and in response, Danielle said... "Okay, that's fine." Huh? Danielle, you can't go marching around saying how you're gonna bring the hurt and then just keel over like that. Erika's impressionable! Don't try to guilt her with silent disappointment! State your case! Chill Town made the point that Erika could not beat Danielle in the final two (which isn't necessarily true). Now Danielle has to make the case that Erika could not rely on Will or Boogie to take her to the final two in the first place. But alas, Danielle just quietly slinked away... for the time being.

Then night came, and as a drunken Danielle hung out with George in the hot tub, Erika sauntered out to see what was going on. "Her allegiance is to Chill Town. Remember that," Danielle told him, not caring that Erika was sitting just feet away.

"When I walk out the door, and she comes to you -- 'I did everything to make sure you were safe' -- do not believe that at all," she said. She was right. But she was also tragically too late to figure this all out. Besides, was it really so smart to antagonize Erika when the Veto Ceremony still hadn't taken place yet? Not really. But it sure was entertaining.

At one point, Erika tried to say something, but Danielle barked, "WHAT?" Man, I'd never seen her this way. At least, not since that very first week of Big Brother 3 when she started a whirlwind of controversy with Jerry's salad antics (for which Lori ultimately took the fall).

George recommended that the two ladies have a little talk and patch things up, which caused the drunk Danielle to snap at Erika, "You ready to come here and talk???" This led to light bickering, with Erika entertainingly saying, "Danielle, I did not betray you." Yes, she merely went back on her word in a fateful and devastating way. But it was hardly a betrayal.

Danielle then turned all emotional, insisting that she had had Erika's back -- she had given her her heart. But now, if Erika put her on the jury, she would not receive her vote. "You nominating me is the ultimate betrayal," Dani said, stealing a page from Howie's book. Poor Danielle. She had played such a strong game until now. This was totally the wrong way to go about this. She was destroying any last chances she had with Erika by being emotional and crazy and ultimately threatening her.

It was therefore no surprise that Erika went immediately running to Dr. Will for emotional help. The two zipped up to her HOH room where Will took advantage of Erika's fragile, vulnerable state to further cement the need to get rid of Danielle. Eventually, however, Danielle rang the HOH doorbell, but Will insisted that Erika just be silent and not let her in. This soon turned into a standoff of sorts, as Dani maniacally (or drunkenly, really) rang the bell over and over again, eventually letting her thumb stay firmly planted on the button for what seemed like minutes on end. Yes, Danielle had gone nuts, and honestly, it was sad. You never like to see a great player like her resort to such ineffective acts of desperation. The more she rang that bell, the smaller her chances became of turning Erika. Why, Dani? Why?

Come and knock on my door.... We'll be waiting for you...

At the Veto ceremony, Janelle obviously took herself off the block, which meant the inevitable happened: Erika put a livid, sunglass-wearing Danielle up on the block. The HOH then delivered a teary, lip-quivering speech about how she respected Danielle so much and loved her as a person and hated doing this and hoped that last night's rant was just strategy. In response, Danielle said... nothing. She was just an ice cold statue of rage. Yeah, it was intense. Erika then stormed off, leaving the rest of the house guests to awkwardly sit around the couches and wish they were anywhere else in the house but there (George kept his eyes firmly planted on his feet).

Afterwards, Danielle expressed how angry she was at Erika, but then told us, "Shame on me for trusting her." Yup. Shame on you. You saw that she was aligning with Chill Town. You should have kept to your oath with Janelle.

As the episode ended, we then had another installment of Chill Town theater as the two guys performed another one of their once-annoying, now-lovable phone bits.

"Do you remember a couple weeks back when I got my showmance to put up her very best friend Marcellas, and then we evicted him?" Will asked.

"Yeah," Boogie replied.

"Could I bother you to do that this week with your showmance? Just get her to put up her best friend, Danielle?" Will then said. Mike then said sure, no problem. Laughter ensued.

And once again, Chill Town notches another victory. Are they unstoppable? Can Danielle save herself? And is this season not getting better and better by the minute?

Posted by B-side at 3:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (54)

After a rousing start, The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Fresh Meat has sort of tapered off lately in the drama department, but last night's episode saw a rousing return to petty squabbles as Diem and Tina went at it like two Chihuahuas passing on the street. It was honestly only the first or second time this Challenge that anyone's flown off the handle, which really is not a lot compared to the preceding Gauntlet II. That season spoiled us with its weekly shouting matches and drunken debauchery. Seemingly anything could set that cast off -- chocolate syrup, the confines of a bus, air. But this time around, everyone's been quieter and more convivial. That is, until tonight. The altercation was a fine return to Challenge form, and if that wasn't enough, we also had a lovely display of Derrick logic, or as it's more commonly known: stupidity.

This week's episode began with the images of flowers. Ah yes, love had to be in the air. Or at least pollen. I thought for sure we'd soon find Derrick and Diem smooching in the Australian bush (no pun intended), but instead, the semi-lovebirds were hanging out in their prison cell (or lodgings, as the producers would call it). The two were extremely excited that Theo and Chanda had been eliminated, and thus they were rid of their biggest competition (or up until a few days prior, their biggest allies. Oops!). Now, nothing could get in their way of that grand prize. "Making it to the final challenge now is extremely important," Diem said, thus insuring that she'll most likely be heading to Exile in the next twenty-two minutes.

Our heartstrings were then generously tugged as Diem tearfully reminded us that she had $60,000 of hospital bills to deal with; hence, she needed the cash super bad. Oh Diem. Don't you know? There's a magical hospital fairy that erases debt for Bunim/Murray stars. Just ask Tonya about her Chicago season! Yay, administrative altruism for the cameras!

Anyway, we skipped the usual scene of teams deciphering some cryptic (read: blatantly obvious) clue about the next challenge and moved right ahead to the next morning as everyone pumped themselves up for the day's event. Some people said they had to go "balls to the wall," some people said they had to "kill it," and everyone else merely wept over their inability to employ an adequate cliché for the situation.

Eventually, everyone congregated at Eagle Farm where host TJ Lavin introduced the day's mighty challenge: "What a Croc." And no, this had nothing to do with consuming vats of Country Crock. For this competition, pairs had to grapple onto a double-ended crocodile (sort of like a dildo, but with jaws) and experience THE DEATH ROLL. Basically, they'd be spun around like a spit in hyperspeed. As soon as a member fell off or touched the pole on which the crocodile was mounted, the time would stop. There would be three rounds, and whichever team had the longest cumulative time would be the winners. Oh, and one more thing. The winning duo would decide BOTH teams going into Exile. Dunh dunh dunh!

This caused gasps all around, but of course, if these kids had done any sort of elementary math, they would have realized that after the day's winners make their pick, that would leave only two other pairs from which to vote someone else into Exile. And of course, that would surely end in a one-on-one tie; so it only makes sense that the winners would get to choose both and--- seriously, why am I even bothering explaining the logic? This is The Challenge. Let's just move on.

Anyway, as the teams prepared to mount their crocodile, Darrell told us, "I'm helping Derrick and Diem out. We're here to look out for each other, just to make it to the final challenge." But wait, wasn't Darrell pissed at Derrick for sending Theo into Exile? Or am I just smoking crack? I don't know. Either way, Darrell saying he was going to look out for Derrick meant either a) he would not be looking out for Derrick or b) Derrick would be backstabbing him sometime in the immediate future.

Well, the first team to try to croc-on-a-spit was Casey and Wes, the latter of which commented, "I don't think there's too much strategy involved, but I'm just waiting around to find out where it is that Casey's going to find some way to fuck up." This coming from the guy who probably has the most extensive record for quitting challenges on Fresh Meat. Anyway, the two mounted the apparatus, and as they rotated around and around, Tina noted, "Makes me in the mood for barbecue." This of course begs the question: what doesn't make Tina in the mood for barbecue? And if you answered "genocide," sorry, you're wrong.

Nevertheless, Wes and Casey twirled around, and here's a shocker: Wes fell off first. Apparently being an asshole carries no adhesive qualities. Casey unsurprisingly gloated happily that she had outlasted her cocky partner, and next, Tina and Kenny saddled up for their ride on the croc-o-death. They seemed to be doing decently, but their time was short-lived thanks to Kenny's shirt getting caught in one of the teeth. As a result, he began to choke and, well, it was all downhill from there (don't worry, he survived). Derrick and Diem gave the challenge a whirl next, and while they were trying super hard to win this (let's not forget those pesky hospital bills), their first round ended in misery as Diem accidentally touched the pole. And no, I'm not talking about Derrick (it's a double pun because he's Polish AND he has a penis!). Last up for this first round were Darrell and Aviv, but wouldn't you know it? Aviv's short legs betrayed her, and she wound up spurned from the crocodile like a useless piece of curly-haired flotsam. That's okay though because she then told us, "At this point, we really want Derrick and Diem to win because we know that Derrick and Diem are not going to put us into Exile." Yeah, it's not like they haven't already backstabbed about three other teams...

For round two of this ever-so-exciting challenge, TJ then alerted us that pairs would now be holding onto each other while the crocodile spun. You see, before they each grappled one end of the wooden beast. Now they were to be positioned right in the middle with one person on top and another on the bottom. Just imagine two people trying to hug, but with a giant, fake crocodile in between them. Well, here's a shock. This new twist meant that no one could stay on for longer than eight seconds or so. Wes and Casey were down in a flash, followed by Kenny and Tina. When Derrick and Diem also failed to put any significant time on the clock, Diem noted, "We just don't think everything through." Really? Derrick didn't think something through? But he's got such an excellent track record for being pensive, thoughtful, and calculating. This is really a revelation.

Last up for the second round were Darrell and Aviv, and they didn't so much mount the crocodile as much as they touched it and then fell off. Yes, the contraption rotated maybe ten degrees, and already, the two of them were down on the ground. Gotta love it when no one can do the challenges. And to think, this is the event that will decide who will be in the finals. Couldn't they have thought up something a bit more, um, thrilling? I mean, as interesting as it is to watch people roll off a glorified log, something exciting like an obstacle course or skill competition might have been more fitting.

From the crocodile: "Somebody help me. Two people are humping with my nose."

Anyway, it was more of the same for the third round, and as Casey grabbed the crocodile, she told us, "I know that if Derrick and Diem win, they're saving Darrell and Aviv." Okay, my misdirection radar was going off like nuts. Clearly Derrick and Diem will win and backstab their buddies. Do I have to even keep watching?

Well, Wes and Casey lasted about two seconds, as did Tina and Kenny, both of whom managed to make strange, grunting/moaning sounds, almost as if they were in fact pushing out a turd the size of a giant, double-headed crocodile. Derrick and Diem also put in a weak showing that was punctuated with Derrick yelling "FUUUUUCK" over and over again. Finally, Darrell and Aviv made an attempt to save some face, but they just were not meant for this challenge. And so our penultimate competition ended anticlimactically with all the teams barely able to put in a decent showing.

TJ then read the results, and no surprise here: Darrell and Aviv took fourth place. Wes and Casey came in third, and in second place... Tina and Kenny, right? Nope. Derrick and Diem! This meant that for the first time, Tina and Kenny had taken the top spot! So much for all that Derrick/Diem backstabbing anticipation on my part. Well, MTV may have outsmarted me this time, but when it came to Tina and Kenny's choice for Exile, it didn't take a genius to guess who they'd pick. Clearly, they'd keep Wes and Casey around, if only because a) they've been aligned with them for several weeks now, and b) they're the weakest team and therefore most desirable to go up against in the final mission. And so Tina and Kenny picked Darrell and Aviv to go up against Derrick and Diem, which no one seemed to have a problem with... except for Diem. You see, earlier in the episode, Diem and Tina had been talking about how they had been there for each other and saved their asses and blah blah blah. Apparently, this gave Diem the idea that they were actually aligned and buddy-buddy. Consider that dream shattered. Upon hearing their names called, Diem teared up and then told us, "You spineless, heartless (beep). I'm shocked. I'm pissed. This means a lot to me!" Yes, how could anyone backstab poor, little Diem??? Granted, she'd already thrown Linette and Theo and, to some extent, Aviv under the bus, but that gave no one the right to throw HER under the bus! Bitches!

Well, since no one likes to be struck by the karma boomerang, Diem unleashed all her Regina George-ish wrath on Tina, accusing her of being a backstabbing 'ho. "First off, how'd y'all even get here, by the way?" Diem asked, alluding to the fact that she had saved Tina and Kenny from Exile a week ago.

"Oh, you got a lot of nerve, bitch," Tina replied, and for the first time ever, a strange sensation came over me. I realized that I was loving Tina. This was a stark contradiction to anything I've ever believed or stood for, but man, when she said "You got a lot of nerve, bitch," I was firmly a member of Camp Tina. Yes, the cruelest part of Fresh Meat has not been extending the spotlight on Wes or exposing us to the trials and tribulations of Evan's hernia. The cruelest part of Fresh Meat has been forcing us to like Tina despite everything we know and love. Oh well. If we can grow to love Coral, I suppose anything's possible.

Nevertheless, after Tina accused Diem of having a lot of nerve, the flaxen live-wire retorted, "I don't have a lot of nerve. I have a lot of smarts, and obviously, you don't have heart, and you don't have loyalty." She then added, "As opposed to my loyalty, which was evidenced by the way I cruelly betrayed Linette and convinced Derrick to betray Theo. Now, that's loyalty, bitch!"

Well, Tina was not about to be lectured. "You can take your little anorexic ass out of my face!" she barked, causing Diem to yell, "EXCUSE ME!" Ouch. The old "it's not anorexia, it's cancer" situation. Things don't get much more awkward than that! Amazingly enough, Diem did not pull the cancer card (go her for not playing the victim, at least, not in that specific angle), but she did tell Tina that she had no idea what she was talking about. Amusingly, she then snapped, "And Kenny, your words mean NOTHING!" Huh? What did he do? Kenny could barely suppress a smile as he was randomly drawn into this mess. I think I'm going to do that to random people now. I'll just march up to someone and yell, "Your words mean NOTHING!" I then might add, "You just got Diem-ed!"

"Holla!"

Of course, what Tina knew was that if Diem and Derrick had won the challenge, they would have sent Tina and Kenny into Exile. "You think I don't see the big picture, Diem?" Tina ranted. "You think I don't see it? Are you serious? I'm not Fresh Meat. This isn't my first challenge. I see everything. That's why I'm here." She then added, "For instance, I see a cheeseburger over there. And some ribs over there. And a chocolate cake down the road. Wait, what were we talking about?"

Okay, Tina didn't say that, but Diem did reply, "You're only here because of Kenny, basically."

"That's fine. Thank you, Kenny. That's why I picked up," Tina said. Well played! We give this round to Tina.

"I will eat you alive. Just like a Big Mac with fries and a diet coke with a yogurt parfait on the side. And ooh, some McNuggets. And a milkshake. And then maybe an apple pipe dessert. Is the McRib out yet?"

A little later, Diem sulked away, muttering "I love Aviv and Darrell, and that's not who I want, like..." She then trailed off before she could say anything else incriminating, like "that's not who I want, like, to see in Exile." But it was too late. She had said too much, and Tina happily stated, "Exactly. Thanks for telling me your plan if y'all won today." Memom to Diem: when you're accusing someone of backstabbing you, it's generally not a good idea to tell them how you would have backstabbed them too.

Diem then told us, "I'm mad at Tina for her words, and I'm extremely disappointed in Kenny for his actions." And let's face it, Kenny's actions were completely deplorable. I don't know what they were, but they were deplorable. Oh wait, I think he coughed at one point. What a jerk.

Eventually, the black SUV pulled up to take the teams to Exile, and I couldn't help but wonder why there was no pardon challenge. I mean, there was still one group hanging out totally safe. Why should neither of these teams be given the option for a second chance? Truth be told, I just wanted another opportunity for Wes and Casey to go into Exile finally, finally lose. Contrary to what people say, I don't think they're the King and Queen of Exile. They're merely the King and Queen of Not Forgetting To Take The Dumb Flags.

Well, Darrell, Aviv, Derrick, and Diem all climbed in the SUV, knowing that the winner of Exile would be guaranteed a spot in the finals and at least $20,000. Darrell noted that he'd never been in an Exile, a Gauntlet, or an Inferno, but he was ready to kick ass. And I hoped he would. A Tina/Wes/Derrick finale would be a bit too painful to sit through.

Amusingly, as the group rode to the top secret Exile location (also known as "fifty yards away"), Derrick commented, "Now that I got this blindfold on, everything suddenly feels real." Huh? What exactly is that supposed to mean? Maybe I'm overlooking the harsh reality of a footrace in the woods. Man, that is real!

Nevertheless, the two teams began their trek through Exile, which meant we had the always amusing luggage-check. Darrell and Aviv were dragging an average weight of 140 lbs., but Derrick and Diem were stuck with a massive haul of 215 lbs. (way to bring 121 lbs., DIEM. And what exactly was Derrick keeping in his 94 lbs of luggage? A season's worth of tea cozy hats?).

Well, realizing that their bags were just too hefty to carry around, Derrick and Diem decided to just, you know, drop them. Rules schmooles. Derrick explained that he was hoping one of the puzzles would allow them to drop their bags, but even so, wouldn't they still face a penalty for not carrying their bags in the first place? Well, the two arrived at their puzzle first, which was a series of letters (DNOSAJ) adorned by various dates, times, and calendars. The big question: which letter was next in the sequence? Turns out the letters were the months backwards, which meant that J (for June) was next. Derrick and Diem amazingly got this correct, and their prize: "You can each drop one bag." Why, that's quite convenient, seeing how Derrick and Diem have already dropped ALL their bags.

"Now we're booking through the woods, and we're hoping the second puzzle says 'Drop two bags,'" Derrick said. Clearly this was a genius plan. Totally foolproof. As for Darrell and Aviv, they made it to the first puzzle and also answered correctly, which meant they were able to drop two bags, and since they were abiding by the rules of this challenge, that meant they actually had bags to drop. Crazy!

Derrick and Diem arrived first at the next puzzle, but oops! They had forgotten their flags! (And their bags, but who's counting, right?) Luckily for them, Darrell and Aviv had forgotten their flag too. This meant both guys were now trekking back to the first puzzle while their damsels waited eagerly at the second puzzle station. But wait! There's more! Turns out Derrick and Darrell couldn't claim their flags without their partners (was it me, or were other teams in the past able to retrieve their flags solo?); so this meant lots of running back and forth, getting the girls, yada yada yada. It was all mildly confusing as we tried to figure out where in the woods and which direction everyone was going, but soon enough, Derrick and Diem emerged with a lead as they grabbed their flag and then tried to solve the next puzzle. Unfortunately, it wasn't a simple word game. They had to move pegs over each other until one remained, and since their hopes were all tied up in winning both puzzles, they couldn't just give up and run to the finish line. Darrell and Aviv, however, attempted the peg game for about two seconds before they threw in the towel and bolted for the finish line. Sure enough, they reached TJ first (thus nullifying any controversy over Derrick and Diem's bags), and for the umpteenth time, Derrick was cut from a Challenge just before reaching the finals. Ha. Sucker.

Once again, Derrick faces his mortal enemy: purple things.

As you might imagine, it was a bittersweet victory for Darrell, who had to send his friend home. "It's hard to feel good for a win. You kind of feel bad," he said. Yes, Darrell, that's the crazy part of not feeling good: you feel bad. Well observed.

Well, I did feel pretty badly for Diem because she most certainly did need the money more than anyone, and if MTV has any heart, they'll chip in a few bucks for her. In a teary and someone heartbreaking final moment, Diem told us how the Challenge let her feel normal for five more weeks and how as soon as she goes back home, she has to start treatments. It was one of those "Yikes. Too much reality in reality TV moments," and I think it's safe to say that everyone wishes her well and a speedy recovery.

But there are still games to be played, and when Darrell and Aviv returned to the ranch, Tina commented, "I am the happiest bitch in the world." Only one more episode left. Who will win? Please don't let it be Wes and Casey.

What did you think about this episode? And what was up with Diem attacking Tina like that?

Posted by B-side at 8:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (28)

Now that we are down to the final six contestants, we are starting to understand why they put the "rock" in Rockstar Supernova. Dava and madeyoulaugh were in the studio to Live Blog the latest episode. Click on the picture above to play.

Posted by J-Unit at 7:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

As I mentioned in my recap, TV GUIDE Emmy party served as a platform for the world debut of the band known as Band from TV. With the vocals of Bob Guiney (The Scorned) and Bonnie Somerville (Kitchen Confidential) leading the band, a strong support comes in the form of James Denton (Desperate Housewives) on strummin guitar, Hugh Laurie (House M.D.) tappin' the keys, and Greg Grunberg (Heroes) poundin' out the drums. USA TODAY gives a little insight to the band's genesis and charity work and even offers a short, clear clip of the band rehearsing (minus the members of the band that actually make it worth watching). Here's the thing about this gimmicky, schticky band....they are really good. While there's no original music, the covers are classic and the band members enthusiasm for the music is contagious.

I recorded a few short clips on my camera for personal historical documentation, but it's something so few people got to see, I have to share a bit. I appologize in advance for the audio and shakyness, but it was late, room was dark, and I was drunk. Think of it as Blaire Witch music.

For information on the band and future live performances you can reference their website here. If the link to buy their CD actually worked, it'd be on my iPod by now.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 3:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This Sunday was the Emmy's which of course means Emmy parties!

You may remember last year during my hiatus from TVgasm, I took some photos with a terrible camera phone at the TVGUIDE Emmy party, to send to J-Unit & B-Side, that year my big "get" was Johnny Fairplay. But this year, I am back with TVgasm, and I felt an obligation, nay a duty, to get good story and good photos for you our loyal readers. Well I am here to tell you I sorta failed. I mean I got some great photos, and incredible video which we will be sharing on here in the next day or so, but the more drunk I got the more shameful asskissy I became. I apologize in advance for the PerezHiltian photos..that is to say, there is way too much "me" but I think you'll still like.

Before I begin with the photos, I have a very random story from last night that I didn't photographically document, but was fun enough to share nonetheless.

I was at the TVGUIDE party and I noticed a chick there who looked oddly familiar to me. I walked up to her and said, "Did you go to U of A?" Her eyes immediately lit up and she recognized me from our brief stint together in college. We chat about life back in ol' Tucson and the obligatory "What are you doing?" line came up. I gave her my brief reply and then asked her "What have you been up to since college?" To the shock of few, I'm an idiot. You see, this friend of mine from college apparently has become quite famous but from a show I never watch so I had no clue she's become an A or B lister. Anyway, I felt rather dumb. But for those of you who watch the O.C. you may be interested to know my friend is still incredibly sweet and was a hell of a costumer back in the day.

Last night taught me a few things. One, there is no such thing as too much ass kissery when it comes to celebs. It's like oxygen to them. Two, I shouldn't drink tequila that can be lit on fire. And three, I think I like Pink.

You see. my good friend and TVgasm reader Kelly is obsessed in a borderline unhealthy way with Pink. So when I heard who was performing at TVGUIDE's Emmy party, it was a no brainer who to take. We got right up to the front of the stage to watch Pink play, and I didn't hate her music. In fact, her song PRESIDENT, which is an emotionally charged ballad to the president, political proclivities aside, is quite moving. But that's not why I liked her.

While she was singing, I tried taking a bunch of photos which would feature both Kelly and Pink in the same shot, but it was hard to do on account of distance and movement. But when Pink saw what I was trying to do, in the middle of her song, she came up right to Kelly knelt down, and sang to her just long enough for me to snap this photo. .

It wasn't a moment where she happened to sing to an audience member, she was looked at me and got down just for the photo. That's why I like her. It was a clear decision she made to hook me up with a photo op for my friend, and I thought that was mighty decent.

After I got my camera warmed up with Pink and security didn't seem to mind, I thought I would test the waters some more with Kevin Nealon from Weeds. I mean, its not like I'm harassing small screen royalty like Debra Messing for a pic. It's the dude from SNL 20 years ago. Hardly a big risk. I think I said something like "I'd be much obliged if you would be so kind as to grant me a photo." That's how I roll. I'm so old school, I speak like a bad supporting role in Martin Lawrence's BLACK KNIGHT. But, alas, it worked.

After I got a photo with Kevin Nealon, I was debating who to try to get next when one of the stars of the short lived ONE OCEAN VIEW saw a flash bulb go off, quickly ran to it screaming "ME NEXT! ME NEXT!! I WAS IN PLAYBOY!!! PLEASE GOD SOMEONE LOVE ME!!!!" It was either that, or me saying something like, "Hey can I get a picture?" I'll let you decide which makes for a better story.

A few Vodka drinks later, and I was reunited with funny man and star of Where My Dawgs At? Jeffery Ross. You may remember when last I saw Jeffery Ross we shared an awkward moment on the red carpet, but all has since been forgiven and forgotten right around the time I called him my generations Don Rickles. This is where my shameless and unnecessary flattery of the night began. (though I do think he's one talented insult comic. Getting insulted by him is like getting a blowjob from Jenna Jameson, its the best by the best.)

This was a bit strange. I saw THE star of the night just sitting there all alone. No, not Debra Messing, Emmy! This statue was just abandoned. Like the moth to a flame I gravitated towards it and just as I was about to claim it as my own, a rather large disheveled guy asked me if I wanted "to touch it." After a momentary flashback to my boy scout troupe leader, I realized I was being addressed by none other than......

...this guy. I think he said he was Michael Noval one of the producers of the Amazing Race. I thought I may offend him when I asked, "you didn't win for family edition did you?" I told him my new term for "jumping the shark" is now "racing the family" But he actually opened up about how they realized they fucked up and "broke the promise to the audience." According to him, it was a network decision that caused a lot of extra work for them blah blah blah....I kinda zoned out as I gazed at the awesomeness of being so close to an Amazing Race Emmy Award. It felt...Mmm. I have nearly had my Amazing Race fill.

Oh, this reminds me. I have to do the ROCKSTAR: SUPERNOVA live blog with Dava exclusively on TVgasm every Tuesday night 9EST. Of course its only one in a series of incredible live blogs that can only be found here at TVgasm.

As I've mentioned in the past, I think Trees is an amazing song and Marty Casey should have won based solely on the merit of that kick ass song. So I was somewhat disheartened when he said he was getting sick of singing it. Though he still enjoys the acoustic version. Yes, Trees is a beautiful song, much like his absolutely smokin hot PR gal got my card, which has my number, which she should call. I mean if she were a good PR gal, she would find this hugely popular website mentioning her client and promoting his song TREES and band Marty Casey and Lovehammers. So she would also find my shameless attempt to get her to call me. But I digress....Marty Casey, Hot PR chicks....This night couldn't get any better...

Holy Thit!! I thpoke too thoon! It'th Edgar Thtylth!! I was tho exthited to meet Edgar, who for thome reathon kept athking I call him Louith Lombardi.That'th tho Nugget! It theemth Edgar juth't wrote, directed and thtarred in a movie that ith currently theeking dithtribution. I hope good thingth for Nugget. He wath very nithe and inredibly genuine. I wath gushing over how thad I wath to thee him leave 24, and he acted ath though he never heard that before. Very cordial and cool. I thuggethted he take a gander at hith obituary at TVgathm.com. I hope he thwingth by.

After chillin with Nugget, I needed to cool down with some hotties....so first I found Amy Smart, star of the new fall show, Smith. Again with my lame needless asskissery, after we took the photo, I said "For what its worth," which is always an awesome way to start a convo with cute chick, "for what its worth, as much as I hated Butterfly Effect it was a great role for you and an awesome place for you to showcase your talent as an actress." Though I think the last half of it sounded more like "mwamwamwammwmwmaawwmmwawma" on account of my lips being so firmly planted up her rectum. I have no clue why I said that. I didn't need to, I got the photo already...needless senseless asskissery. What's happening to me!? It felt like the Paris interview all over again!

This time I decided, be simple. Walk up to a hot chick. Take a photo, walk away. But dammit if she didn't smell go...yeah, I was fairly buzzin' at this point, but I am pretty sure I sniffed My Name Is Earl star Jamie Pressley right after this photo was taken. uggg...this night is losing its awesomeness.

As I miserably strolled through the part trying to get over the sniff heard round the world, I came across true misery....the cast of Scrubs. They looked like a flock of Smigols huddled in a corner of misery wishing they had their golden "precious." Even Zach Braff, who seems to always glow with arroga-- confidence, seemed down over their loss. For the few minutes I saw (read: stalked) them, he didn't talk to anyone and just gazed off into the distance focusing only when security made an announcement over the PA system for people to be weary of someone sniffing celebrities. I captured the moment where he nonchalantly brushed away a tear. So sad, so sad.

You're so brave to mock up that fake smile. You're a brave little soldier!

I asked John C. McGinley, since he and I were standing side by side not talking to anyone, just aimlessly bobbing our heads to DJ AM, if he wouldn't mind a quick photo, he pursed his lips and said "I'll sign whatever you want. But I don't do photos." I quickly replied "How about a blank check?" He saw no humor and rolled his eyes to chat with someone who doesn't sniff Jamie Pressly. It became my mission to rape a photo off of John McGinley. It didn't take long before I got what he held so dear, a photograph!! Wow, that feels like quite the hollow and empty victory. Well at least it also features a less than sober Sarah Chalke. Overheard as the photo was taken "CNYU B'LEE WE LUST!? AHMEEN SERIRIROUSLY." This corner depressed me greatly. Nothing's could have cheered me up.

Is it just me, or is John McGinley this years Fairplay!?

As I walked through the main room, I noticed the music was actually a great house band....hang on a second. Who is that dude on the keyboard?!

HOLY HOUSE BAND! This is literally a "HOUSE" band! The photo really doesn't do the whole event justice...If only there was someplace on the internet where I could find a video to better show you what this band was like. . . stay tuned my pretties! After 60 plus minutes of HOUSE band, and one stage dive that went....well, poorly. The band I want to play at my wake left the stage but my HOUSE night was not over just yet.....

That's right, Co-Star of House M.D., and celebrity who felt comfortable enough to clean the dirt from under his ring fingernail over my Armani jacket, Omar Epps was on hand to nicely round out my House M.D.-themed portion of the night!

This was very exciting. Debra Messing taking a photo with a moderately effeminate, sarcastic skinny guy who could quote all the lyrics to WICKED and RENT...lighting in a bottle!! This night is taking a turn for the better. I've almost had my fill.

NOW I'VE HAD MY PHIL!! Note: This is not my constipated face. I was pretty sure I was doing the Phil eye... I guess I can't do it, but in the moment, it reaaaally felt like i could.

On our way to the exit we caught a glimpse of one of those pathetic "fake TV Guide cover" photo booths. I don't want to pass judgment, but whomever actually took the time to take those photos are total dorks!

Sadly, the night has come to an end as documented so well by our indicating to the exit sign.

While waiting for our limo (read: cab), I couldn't help but take one last chance to sail my soul down the River Asskissery when I saw Family Guy creator, Seth Macfarlane. Whatever, the guys stuff is great so I'm completely OK with my pathetic attempt to get him to be my friend. We talked about the episode of South Park that mocked Family Guy and he made some sort of "...it was funny for a series that's eight years past it's prime" comment. I was so conflicted. It was like mom and dad were fighting. So I did my best James Dean and screamed through tears "You're tearing me apart!!!" before running away in dramatic fashion.

All in all it was an amazing night that began with Pink, and for now, shall end there too. There was so much that I wasn't able to capture throughout the night that added to the experience...but the Hugh Laurie house band (video coming soon), the Phil, the Pink, the EDGAR STYLES!! Man...it was one hell of a TVgasm night. I'm sorry I couldn't get you all in with me, but hopefully this was a close second to actually being there.

If only I had gotten Sumaire's number! I think this is gonna bug me for a while.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 6:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (28)

Let's check in with Passions, shall we? It's been approximately thirty years since my last recap, but I think you'll find that doings are fairly slow in Harmony. Don't worry, though - there's still plenty to mock. We'll start out with this past Friday's episode, as usual.

The show opens with Ethan having a steamy dream about Theresa. Ethan's shoulders are so grotesquely muscled that his head is practically microscopic. You know, there's been an awful lot of attention paid to steroids in sports. Has anyone ever inquired into steroid use by daytime soap actors? I'm just saying. Ethan wakes up and awkwardly tries not to tell Gwen what's got him so hot and bothered, but she figures it out pretty fast. For the last few days, Gwen has repeatedly called Ethan out on his continuing obsession with Theresa, which has become even more conspicuous now that Theresa appears to be over it. In fact, Gwen went so far as to threaten divorce if Ethan didn't make up his mind. Ethan keeps saying he's committed to Gwen.

Behold the amazing Pinhead!

Gwen's (the actress's) pregnancy bump is tastefully covered by a sheet, while the show continues to capitalize on her newfound cleavage. She presses Ethan some more on his feelings for Theresa, and he defends himself by pointing out that he has just agreed to represent Julian in a custody suit against Theresa over Little Ethan. Yes, he has, and this is really a dick move, if you ask me. I mean, Ethan and Theresa are supposed to be friends, and no one knows better than Ethan what a terrible father Julian is. Yet for some reason, Ethan has agreed to take this custody case on principle. Contrivance much?

The convenient storyline effect is that Theresa is between a rock and a hard place when it comes to Little Ethan's paternity. She can neutralize Julian's custody suit by revealing he isn't the father, but Ethan's sudden hard-line fathers'-rights stance just keeps on reminding Theresa that she might be worse off with Ethan revealed as the true dad. Of course, Ethan's new position makes no sense, because if he were so darn concerned about the rights of biological parents, he wouldn't have let Gwen take Jane away from Theresa.

Cut to Theresa, in her business suit talking on the phone in her office. She tells someone that she wants hourly updates on her mother's condition. Yeah, actually, something did happen on this show recently: Spike blackmailed Chris into helping him get past security into the Crane Mansion so he could break in and steal a bunch of stuff. Pilar surprised him in the act, and he shot her. For a brief moment everyone thought she was dead, but she's not; she's in the hospital and conscious. She doesn't seem to know who shot her, though.

What is this woman's job again? Magician's assistant?

Spike has also blackmailed Chris into giving him an alibi - he has to say that he saw him at the fair, which is where everybody in Harmony was while the break-in was happening. Oh, and we found out that not only is Chris a sleaze who was hired by Alistair to pretend to be in love with Sheridan (which we basically already knew), but also, James isn't Chris's real son. He's a random orphan. I guess the idea is that Chris pretended to be James's dad to get in good with Sheridan, and if Spike reveals this, Chris will lose Sheridan FOR-EVAH. Which he doesn't want to have happen, because he's in love with her now for real.

Jared walks into Theresa's office. He knows that she's "Mrs. Crane" now. He was really furious when he first found out, but she rehabilitated her image with the one-two punch of (1) voluntarily taking pies in the face at the fair to show how "down-to-earth" she is, and (2) conveniently having her mother get shot and almost die, thereby garnering a huge sympathy vote. So Jared and Theresa are happily dating now, although he's told her that he doesn't think he can ever get serious with anyone so fabulously wealthy. Right now, she's trying to get him to come and work for her as an "executive." Jared weasels around about how he doesn't want her to hire him just because they're dating, but she blah-blahs about how he's eminently qualified. Yeah, this sounds like it should be great for their budding relationship.

Elsewhere, Chris and Sheridan are in bed. Now, not only do we still have FauxSheridan filling in while RealSheridan is on maternity leave; for some reason, we also have a temporary FauxChris. I am ashamed to say that I probably wouldn't even have noticed if the voiceover hadn't told me. FauxChris has an English accent, just like RealChris, and he's a totally blah character apart from that, so this is a non-event as far as I'm concerned. In other news, I've decided I like FauxSheridan better than RealSheridan. I have never liked Sheridan at all - I've always thought she was a whiner and a huge sap with her stupid psychic visions, and I've never understood what was supposed to be so awesome about her. At least this new Sheridan is kind of winsome and adorable and earnest.

Who are these people? What show am I watching?

Apparently, FauxChris and FauxSheridan have just finished doing it. Er, didn't she just have a painful miscarriage a few days ago, the same day she found out that her young son had just been killed in an explosion? Okay, none of my business. Sheridan muses about the various shootings - Chris getting shot in the leg outside their house by an "unknown assailant," and then Pilar getting shot during this break-in at the mansion a few days later. Sheridan says that Luis won't rest until he nails the shooter, along with any and all accomplices, hint hint. Chris looks just a wee bit uncomfortable. Sheridan goes on about how glad she is that she can trust Chris with her life and he will never hurt or disappoint her.

Cut to the police station. Remember how in my last recap, I thought that Paloma was going to leave the show to move to Mexico with that nerd who proposed to her? Well, it turns out I was wrong. Instead, Paloma and Fancy both applied to be police officers. Yup, you heard me. They are now both "cadets," under Luis's sometimes prickly tutelage. Right now, Fancy is talking to Sam and looking very fetching in her new cop uniform. Fancy asks about her mom, who just happens to be Sam's live-in floozy. He says that Ivy was shaken by the news of Pilar's shooting, but is doing better now. Guess there's no budget for Ivy to actually appear this week. Luis comes in and dramatically announces that when he finds out who shot his mother, he's going to go all vigilante on their ass.

Officer Fancy will beat your ASS.

By the way, Paloma has inexplicably vanished. Since my last recap, she was around for some wacky police-training hijinks with Luis, Fancy, and the other (nameless) cadets. Then she turned up again last week when Jessica almost got raped outside the Lobster Shack; Paloma and Simone saved her sorry ass, as usual. But since then - no sign of Paloma. This is just a teeny bit weird when you consider that her mother just got shot, and there was this huge effort to gather the whole family around her at the hospital. Everyone was all - "Where's Theresa? Where's Luis? Where's Miguel?" Neither Paloma nor daddy Martin even got a mention. I guess this is where those budget cuts come in. They're not getting rid of anyone; they just have days when certain characters magically don't exist.

Sheridan and Chris are out having breakfast and talking about this stupid Latin dance competition that occurred at the fair. Because small-town New England fairs always have Latin dance competitions. You see, Luis and Sheridan did a steamy tango, but then Fancy got Luis to teach her how to do it. This really burned Sheridan up, because she now knows that Fancy is after Luis. A few days ago, Fancy actually approached Sheridan and asked her for permission to date Luis. Of course, Sheridan had to say that it was fine with her, but it totally isn't. Now Chris is rubbing salt in the wounds by talking to Sheridan about how totally perfect Luis and Fancy looked when they were dancing together. I think Chris is supposed to be clueless about how much Sheridan does not like this.

Sheridan changes the subject and says that she wants to get a job. Specifically, she wants to take over Fancy's job as a fashion designer at Crane. She claims to be qualified based on the fact that she used to be on a bunch of best-dressed lists. Man, they really should have dressed her better for this conversation. Instead, she's wearing an ugly floral slip-dress with ugly aqua lace trim and a matching short-sleeved sparkly shrug. Chris is enthusiastic about the career plan.

Is this one of Sheridan's own designs? Sign me up!

Just then, Spike walks into the café. He overhears Chris gushing about how happy James is with Sheridan as his stepmom. Spike mutters to himself about how James is not even really Chris's kid. Chris says that he also wants to get a job in his old field, which is apparently accounting. Sheridan asks if he's even allowed to work in accounting, after his past in the mob and the Witness Protection Program. Ha! He says he is allowed, as long as he behaves himself. Wow, what stringent probation conditions. Sheridan says she will get him an accounting job at Crane.

Back at the police station, Sam reminds Luis that he is not allowed to play vigilante and he shouldn't even be talking like that. Luis begs not to be taken off the case. Sam says he understands about wishing you could take the law into your own hands, what with everything Spike has done to Jessica, drugging her and turning her into a hooker and all. Luis says that Spike remains his prime suspect in Pilar's shooting, despite the alibi Chris gave him. Then there is a lame turn of events where it turns out that Fancy wrote Luis's police report for him. Wow, that seems really unethical on top of everything else.

Theresa gives Jared the details of the job offer. Apparently Jared has both his J.D. and his M.B.A. Wow, that's surprising, for someone who is so prejudiced against rich people. Jared asks for even more money. Again - not understanding how this reconciles with his much-pronounced hatred of all things wealth-related, not to mention his professed hatred of female bosses. Just as Jared is about to sign the contract, he finds out that Theresa previously offered this same job to Ethan. This makes him feel all squicky and he wants to know if she's trying to make him into her own personal Ethan Two. She promises that she isn't. He decides to believe her and she immediately gives him his first work assignment.

Let me show you my briefs, baby.

Speaking of Ethan, he's just shown up at Pilar's bedside in the hospital. She's unconscious at first, but she comes out of it when she hears Ethan's voice. She wants to talk to him about her new evil agenda. You see, for years and years, Pilar was constantly lecturing Theresa to respect Ethan and Gwen's marriage. But a couple of weeks ago, she totally changed her tune and now she wants Theresa to bust that marriage into teeny little pieces.

Why the change, you ask? Well, it has to do with the fact that Pilar was faithful to her missing husband Martin for 30-plus years, yet he still ditched her for Katherine Crane. But wait, you say. Wouldn't this make Pilar even MORE hung up on the sanctity of marriage, instead of moving her into the PRO-divorce camp? You'd think so, but instead she seems to have fixated on the concept that everyone should stay with the mother/father of their children. No word on what you're supposed to do if you have kids by more than one person. Anyway, Pilar tells Ethan that he should leave Gwen so that he can be with Theresa, Little Ethan, and Jane. (Earlier in the week, she told Miguel that he should be with Kay and Maria. At least she's consistent.)

Sheridan is all excited about the idea of her and Chris both working at Crane, but Chris doesn't like the idea of working for his wife's family. Sheridan thinks this is just great because it proves that Chris doesn't care about her family's money. Suddenly Gwen shows up and joins them at their table. The actress's pregnancy is totally visible. The show has got to be pissed that their efforts to hide it are failing this early on. It's because she's such a tiny person generally. Just then, Chris gets a text message from Spike telling him to meet him "behind the bookshelves." Yeah, nobody will ever notice that. Chris walks away, and Gwen vents to Sheridan about Ethan's fixation on Theresa.

So, when are you due? I mean, uh....

Ethan is a bit startled by Pilar's sudden instruction that he should leave his wife. He's even more startled when she goes on to tell him that Little Ethan is his son. But then she covers and says that she just meant that Ethan is like a father to L.E. Pilar starts to get really agitated and wheezy, which freaks Ethan out. She easily extracts a promise that Ethan will think about what she's said. Ethan leaves and then Pilar prays to be forgiven for her marriage-busting activities.

Luis yells at Fancy for writing his report for him. She says she did it because she knew he was busy with his mother's injury. Luis points out that this is a document that has to be usable in court and therefore must be accurate, and, oh yeah, she's never written one before. Then for some completely retarded reason, Sam defends Fancy by saying that the report was well-written. Yes, but it had the WRONG NAME ON IT and was written by a person who didn't conduct the investigation she is describing. What do you think a defense attorney would do with that, Mr. Chief of Police? Even Lionel Hutz would have a field day with this one.

There is some sexually charged banter. Fancy leaves and Sam ribs Luis about the sparks that are a-flyin'. They start to discuss the case, and Luis confides his theory that Chris is not necessarily to be trusted. Sam doesn't think that Luis's "vibe" that Chris is a bad guy is sufficient evidence. He thinks it just might have something to do with the fact that Chris is married to Sheridan. Then Sam thanks Luis for his part in rescuing Jessica at the Lobster Shack the other day. Fancy overhears Luis complimenting her own performance, but then she also hears him say that he's not sure she's tough enough to make the sacrifices required to be a cop. He also says that he's not sure a cop can ever have a healthy relationship. Fancy talks out loud inside her head about how she's going to prove him wrong.

Theresa is on speakerphone trying to convince some guy to merge his company with Crane. Jared totally interrupts and seals the deal with some really lame statistics. Theresa is smitten. After the call ends, she gives Jared a little hug and kiss. Oh, this is so professional. Then they start flat making out and of course Ethan walks in. They don't see him and he leaves, looking all sad-puppy. Soon Jared leaves too, and Theresa proceeds to leave Whitney a voicemail about how awesome Jared is. Ethan once again overhears this and slinks away without telling Theresa he is there.

My job is nowhere near this much fun.

Behind the bookshelves, Chris tells Spike to leave him alone. He's really pissed that Spike shot Pilar. Spike issues some vague threats and tells Chris that their "partnership is just getting started." He goes on to order Chris to take the accounting job at Crane Industries so that he can embezzle millions for Spike. Chris freaks out when he finds out that Spike knows about "Chicago." This mysterious Chicago threat convinces Chris to cave in to all of Spike's demands. Meanwhile, Sheridan wanders around looking for Chris and can't find him despite the fact that he's standing behind some wide-open bookshelves in a one-room coffee shop.

We're invisible!

Fancy walks up to Luis while he's reading the ballistics report from his mother's shooting. Turns out that the bullet that hit Pilar matches one from a past shooting at a nightclub owned by Spike. It also matches the bullet that hit Chris in the leg. Luis's suspicions of both Spike and Chris are growing.

That's it for Friday's show. Other storylines that are going on: Julian has pretty much completed the process of turning evil again, because he's so bitter over the fact that Eve is spending all of her time with poor stroked-out T.C. Chad is still lying to Whitney about something unexplained. And over in Mermaidland, Fox is still under the Mermaid's Curse and can't have sex with anyone but Siren, and Siren is still hoping to score a twofer by getting her clutches into Miguel too. Kay and Tabitha are openly battling against Siren, and I guess Kay is about to try a new spell, which is pictured at the very top of this recap. (Yeah, I cheated by using that picture - but it was too good to resist.)

Previews: Ethan continues to look agonized over Theresa's infatuation with Jared. Fancy looks on as Luis attacks Spike in some sort of seedy garage. And, well, the last scene is the one I just mentioned with Kay working her new spell, and here's the rest of it:

Words can't do it justice.

Posted by Amanda at 6:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

B-side is on his way to a Dave Matthews concert this evening, so he wasn't able to post this clipgasm from last night's Big Brother. I was going to go as well, but fearing I would end up slitting my wrists, I decided to avoid the Hollywood Bowl and post this Clipgasm instead. What can I say? I think it speaks for itself. Jase and Scott are no longer the hottest couple in Big Brother history, that honor now goes to the trio of Dr. Will, Mike Boogie, and Chicken George. I bet Marcellas is happy he is in the sequester house now!

Posted by J-Unit at 5:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (20)

In our never ending quest to bring you all things Laguna Beach, we now present to you the inevitable: baby pictures. Behold Jason before nary a facial hair sprouted on his chin. Check out Jessica before years of absent-minded parenting left her demanding attention from every dirtbag boy she met. And cast your eyes on young Stephen before his vocabulary mainly consisted of beeps, clicks, and buzzers. You know you're curious. Photos after the jump...

Stephen: future college-dropout of America.

Baby Kristin just moments after receiving her first BMW.

Like OMG! Young Trey caught a fish! That's like more exciting than anything he's ever done on the show!

Young LC takes Disneyland by storm. Later, Mickey Mouse offers her an internship at Eurodisney, but she turns it down in order to spend the summer with Goofy.

Like OMG! Talan!

Jessica, from her 1870 Prairie Home phase.

Dieter, Stephen, and Trey after Schindler's List.

From the bottom right (clockwise): Cedric, Jason, some girl who I don't recognize, Alex M., and Taylor. Note the early stages of Cedric's man-crush.

Posted by B-side at 2:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (22)

• Despite beating out ABC's much-discussed airing of Pirates of the Caribbean, last night's Emmy telecast was down in the ratings year-to-year. Just proves my point once and again: Helen Mirren = ratings suicide. [Reuters]


• Funny thing about air crash spoofs: they're a lot less amusing when they really happen. [AP]


• It's not an Emmy party until Aida Turturro forces figure skater Sasha Cohen onto the dance floor. [LA Times]


• Oh, and here are the winners, in case you cared. [Yahoo]


• Okay, this doesn't have anything to do with the Emmys... yet. MTV plans to document the life and times of young workers at the Texas waterpark, Schlitterbahn. Look, any show with the word "Schlitterbahn" at its core has me THERE. By the way, this is not to be confused with the upcoming Spike TV show, Shitter Barn. [Reality Blurred]

Posted by B-side at 2:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

You can label me as one of the people who thought that Erika winning HoH on this week's Big Brother was going to be an unmitigated disaster. Erika is a floater and in previous seasons I would have considered her a real contender, but since her first season, she has been diagnosed with a mental illness. Technically, I cannot say if this is true or not, but how else do we explain her relationship with Mike Boogie? Dr. Will has done a good job of removing the threats to his power the last three weeks, and if Erika was in Chilltown, is there anyway that Danielle or Janelle could survive?

When James went home, he went out with a lot of class. Whenever my high school basketball coach thought we went a little crazy after something happened in a game, he would say "Act like you've been there before". Actually, he would scream "ACT LIKE YOU'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE YOU DIPSHITS", get red in the face, and then make us run suicides for a good portion of the next practice, but the conversation still applies. If you are evicted from the Big Brother house, act like you've been there before. Luckily, all of these houseguests know that feeling, so maybe everybody will leave as classy as James. Then again, watching Howie leave was about a thousand times more enjoyable, so why don't we negate this whole previous paragraph?

The eviction is usually the time when people pour praise on the evictee, saying that they wish there was something that they could do, but everybody who voted for James admitted that they wanted him out. Erika said he was a dangerous player, Will said he could never be trusted, and Janelle said that he turned his back on her first. The neutral guy, George, said that James was an awesome competitor, which honestly means more in weeks where you don't lose a challenge to a girl while fighting over a doll, but it is very true.

Danielle, on the other hand, knew that she had a problem. If James was evicted then she has a problem with her alliance. A couple of things worried her, and the first was how Will was boasting that he was responsible for sending all three people to the jury house. He was saying this in hopes that everybody else in the house would hear this and want to take this person who would be hated on the jury to the final two. But to Danielle, it perhaps meant something else.

Soon after the vote, Danielle cornered Boogie in the workout room, just to say that she doesn't blame Chilltown for what happened, because it is a game, yada yada yada, but she's not happy. Unfortunately, Boogie wasn't properly prepared for this interrogation by his master, and so the sidekick tried to explain things on his own, but kind of failed. Boogie said that he wasn't happy with the decision, as if there is actually anybody left on this planet that believes that he does things on his own free will. When Danielle asks why did Janelle vote for George, thinking that it was dumb for Janelle to vote for James knowing that would be one vote against her on the jury, you could practically hear Mike Boogie shouting to himself in the back of his head. "ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!" Mike tried to save things by saying, "you have to ask Will", but Danielle is already suspicious and says, "Will's ass is mine." in the diary room. Ha! You'll have to fight Mike Boogie to get to Will's ass Danielle, and that fight will take you three, maybe four whole seconds.

By now, we all know that Erika won the "But First" challenge. Since Julie has been mixing it up her catch phrases this year, it was truly a TVgasm to hear her utter the words so many times in one episode again. Little did I realize that the contest would confuse the houseguests so much. Erika won, and while I thought it was bad news for Danielle, she seemed very happy. And then disaster struck as Erika whispered to Danielle during the celebration "You are so safe", which means the same thing as it does in Survivor, i.e. that "safe" person is a goner.

Actually, if there was any hope for Danielle, it's that Erika really has other things on her mind. Unfortunately, that other thing is Janelle, who after a summer of slumber is starting to get some of that sass back. If only she realized that her alliance with Will would lead to her doom, I might give her a chance in the game. Janelle called Erika's win a worst case scenario, and while I can think of other worst case scenarios for Janelle, such as the house running out of peroxide or peanut m&m's, Erika is not her biggest fan, largely because Janelle has put up Erika twice, and she knows that she has to get Janelle out of the house because she wins everything.

Will, who really wants Janelle to get to the end, figuring nobody on the jury would vote her to win, says that he is going to get Mike Boogie to work on Erika, but Janelle has to try and bond a little bit with Erika as well. I was going to make some of chemistry/covalent bond joke here, but all I remember from AP class is Neils Bohr and something about Heisenberg that has nothing to do with a dirigible blowing up New Jersey.

For those of you who are Janelle fans, and I count myself in this group, although I am not sure if I am a card-carrying member any longer, she still had a lot going for her. Like she said, she wins everything, and there was no better example than when Mike Boogie tried to get a poker game going in the house. A few people in the house didn't know how to play, including Janelle, so Mike the poker expert decided to show everybody how it was done. Janelle then proceeded to kick ass, taking most of the chips (actually just m&m's) that were on the table. I am not sure if I bought this whole "Janelle never played poker" thing. I mean, as a cocktail waitress, isn't that like a job requirement along with the breast implants? What sort of nonagenarian widower is going to take you to Vegas if you can't play poker? Anna Nicole Smith already got to that dude, and he's dead!

When it was time to see Erika's HoH room, I think we were all expecting to see a lot of pink. If there is anybody in the house who likes pink more than Janelle, it has to be Erika, but it looks like the producers decided that one Pepto Bismol sponsored room was enough, and gave Erika a nice flower motif. The first thing Erika showed us was a picture of her best friend, Erica. That was very nice and all, but what we really wanted to know was who that other girl in the picture was! Seriously though, if you and your best friend had the same name, wouldn't you try to differentiate yourself? I guess that's why celebrities give their kids stupid names like Apple and Suri.

Most people who win HoH get a picture of their old cast, and Erika was no exception. I didn't think that Erika's cast was all that hideous, but Will was tearing apart the cast, calling Alison hideous, and said he could tell why Michelle was a virgin. I don't know, maybe he was just jealous of all of the sex and other shenanigans. Besides, is he one to talk about ugly casts? He had Shannon, Autmn, Mike Boogie, and Bunky! Seriously, how can you complain about ugly cast members? Dana might have had the sex appeal of a buzzard's crotch, but that was a heck of a lot more sex appeal than a sasquatch don't you think?

Hey! What happened to genital warts Scott?

The other thing you notice about Erika's room is the food that she received. Her mother sent homemade chocolate chip cookies, which is quite normal and really the basis of any care package. What confused me was the Top Ramen. I can barely take care of myself, and literally have to hire somebody to clean up my own mess, but even I have graduated past Top Ramen. I guess that explains why Erika is so thin these days.

Once those festivities were over, it was time for the real game playing to begin. Danielle began to talk to Erika about Janelle's vote against James. See, my worry is that Danielle is put up as a pawn, and is sent home the same way James was sent home. Luckily Danielle sees this, and is able to get Erika wondering about the whole thing. Erika eventually realizes that unless Janelle had a deal with Dr. Will and Chilltown, none of this makes sense.

What made absolutely no sense was when the next segment started with people chanting the name "Chicken George! Chicken George!" over and over again, without putting "Shut the hell up!" in between. Oh, it's just Chicken George doing belly flops into the Big Brother pool. OK, I have to admit it was funny to watch Chicken George run with his elbows locked, but it wasn't long before I was wishing that somebody had rejected Chicken George from natural selection and not the Dodo bird.

INCOMING!!

Danielle continued on her post-James mission by talking directly to Dr. Will about the whole thing. Will does his best to explain the whole thing, but he realizes how good Danielle is, saying that she acts like she is calm about the whole thing, but he really thinks she is playing the game. It's this ability to hold her emotions and not betray what she is really feeling that makes Danielle dangerous, and Will knows that. Unfortunately, he contradicted himself, first by saying that James was a dangerous player and was going to stab him in the back, but then saying that Janelle is good at the game and if he doesn't get rid of her, she'll ruin his life. However, if he is trying to get rid of Janelle, it's obvious that he shouldn't have voted to keep her strongest ally in the house, don't you think?

I am not sure why Will is trying to act like there is nothing between he and Janelle, but how can anybody say that after watching their latest flirting hot tub session? CBS is trying to play this up as the steamy romance of the summer, but how many times do we have to listen to the both of them say that they are playing the other before we get bored? If I wanted to watch people play hard to get, I would just walk myself over to one of Mike Boogie's clubs and hit on a couple of girls. He may not be around a lot lately, but by now it has to be in their muscle memory. This week, we even got the cliché of "if we were the last two people on earth, would you have sex with me" from Will, and Danielle said yes but she would not enjoy it. Well, there is another way! Will is a doctor, so if there was an apocalypse, they could still save the human race, and all they would need is a turkey baster.

Where have I seen this before?

Oh yes! Now I remember.

Now, after I hated on the Will/Janelle relationship, I guess I should have remembered that it could be a lot worse. Take Mike Boogie and Erika, please. Erika may be skinny from Top Ramen, but maybe she's just having trouble keeping food down after kissing Boogie so much. Doesn't that thought alone make you want to vomit? Erika tells Boogie that she wants to put up Janelle and Will. Immediately, the sidekick reflexes kick in and Boogie begins to try and save his master. Boogie suggests that she put up Danielle, but Erika seems to be holding tough. She asks if he has allegiance to her or Dr. Will, and Boogie's reaction is classic. It was like a mother her toddler if he ate cookies before dinner, and he stands there with crumbs on his shirt and chocolate chips smeared on his face.

Mike had to sit there and think about it for a minute, and the hesitation should have been enough to tell her where his allegiance was, then finally tells Erika his allegiance is with her. I guess they had talked about sending Will to the jury, and Mike was happy with it, but he thought it was too early. While all of this is going on, Mike is saying in the diary room that his allegiance is to will (no shit Sherlock), but he has to make Erika believe that there is a chance that he would take her. Maybe it's just me, but if they were really an item outside of the house, and Mike is as enamored with her slamming body as he says he is, don't these diary room sessions ruin everything? Would Erika really watch this season, look at how Boogie treated her, and then continue the relationship? Maybe not. As they finish the conversation, she says that if she finds out he was playing her, she'll kick his ass.

Sorry if you saw this picture and it ruined your appetite. It was hell on my libido.

This week's food competition was actually a lot of fun, requiring the houseguests to dress up and giving us many laughs. First, we got to see Will and Boogie in ridiculous bee costumes. Then we got to see Chicken George try and fit into his sunflower suit. Finally, we got to see Chicken George humping everything that moved. OK, I guess I have to explain that last one a little bit.

Besides the bees (Chilltown) and the sunflowers (George and Erika), we had the birds (Danielle and Janelle). The birds and the bees were supposed to do something with pollination, but considering there was a vat of nectar, I am not sure why they called this pollination, since that usually requires, you know, pollen. Anyway, after the bees or the birds jumped in the vat of nectar, they would go over to the sunflowers, who would squeeze the nectar out of them, which would flow into a tube and fill one of several buckets. Each one of the buckets represented one type of food for the week, and if that bucket was filled to the line with nectar, the houseguests won that food.

Sounds kind of stupid, but it's always fun to watch people humiliate themselves in order to win life's necessities. On top of that, one of the buckets had a slop pass for the week, which basically meant that Chicken George would be able to eat if that bucket was filled. Therefore, he did everything in his power to fill that bucket, even if it meant breaking bones to do it. While the Erika would softly caress the bees that came to her flower, even prompting a montage in the middle of the show like this was Red Shoe Diaries; George would basically jump on his birds and bees, and squeeze the life out of them. It was funny enough when it was happening to Will and Mike, but I almost lost it when George got on top of her and started banging away like he was trying to break her hip.

The competition was successful and although they did have to go on slop for one day because Will wanted a trampoline (probably to see Janelle bouncing around on it), they also won a five star dinner, Christmas in August, and a slop pass for George. The only actual food they won was meat and beer, which Will called an Atkins diet for alcoholics, which is not really true, unless they were all drinking straight vodka.

As the time for nominations approached, Will wanted to see what the deal was with Erika. He called Boogie into conversation and asked what was up. Boogie said there is no way that Erika would put up Danielle, so once again the master had to inform the sidekick the proper strategy, which is to convince Erika that Danielle is the biggest threat. Boogie says that Erika is in Chilltown, but Will shows no confidence in him, saying that he is a little worried about putting his future into Boogie's lovemaking ability.

The next segment was Dr. Will making love to the camera, literally. He decided to go all Shakespeare with us and do his best rendition of Romeo and Juliet, or in this case Dr. Will and the camera in the back yard. His soliloquy was kind of boring, although I did like the line about rewriting the alphabet to put "U" and "I" together. That's good stuff. In the diary room, Will said that he was saying all of those things to the camera as a way to reach us, the viewer, but what I really think is that he wanted to see himself on camera as much as possible for when he gets this season on DVD.

Will makes love to the camera...

...and Mike is so jealous he literally has to hide his "excitement"

Further evidence that Will didn't trust Boogie to do any strategy work cropped up when Will decided to make a visit to Erika himself. One thing Will does so well is catch people before their nominations or other big decision times and plant enough seeds of doubt in their head that they go along with his decision. Will tried to tell Erika that he doesn't like Danielle because she is letting other people do her dirty work. Well, that may be true, but if that is Danielle's strategy, she is doing a poor job compared to Dr. Will, don't you think? He just said he was responsible for putting all three members on the jury, but he was never HoH that whole time. In other words, people were doing his dirty work.

After he is done with that line of logic, he says that Erika should be worried because Danielle could come after her next, but again, Dr. Will is contradicting himself. He just said moments ago that he was worried about Danielle the most because she was coming after him. So who is it? Then he said that Danielle does a lot of wordplay to trick people into saying she has deals with them or her actions didn't break deals with them, but once again, can Will really complain when that is his strategy as well? Seriously, do these people even hear the words coming out of his mouth?

If there were one thing where Will made sense was saying that if the two of them were at the end, Danielle would win. It sorts of makes sense, but really, are Erika's odds that bad? If she were at the end with Danielle, the jury would be Will, Boogie, Janelle, Chicken George, James, Howie, and Marcellas. Of those, I am guessing Will and Boogie vote for Erika, and James votes for Danielle. Other than that, it's a toss-up between the two. I do now that if Erika betrayed Danielle and sent her home, then she would lose Danielle's vote, unless of course Erika was up with Chilltown.

I don't know about you, but I was actually very nervous during this ceremony. There was enough misdirection that I had no clue who was going up. I mean, I think it was Janelle and Dr. Will like Erika said at first, but what if it is Danielle and Janelle? Or Danielle and Chicken George? When the keys came out, Janelle and Chicken George's keys were missing, and Danielle's key actually came first, which sends a strong message to Boogie.

Obviously, I'm very happy that Danielle is safe, but I worry if there is a true backdoor plan happening where Chilltown or Janelle wins veto and then Danielle is put up in Janelle's place. Janelle said she is intent on winning the Power of Veto and making a spectacle out of it, and if there is anybody who can make good on that promise, it is Janelle.

Overall, I was happy with this episode. I have said some harsh things about Erika and her intelligence, but I am glad she had the guts to put up Janelle. I wish that she had the guts to put up Will as well, but I guess you can't believe in miracles. Who knows how the rest of the week will play out, but with only a few more weeks left, things really are getting intense.

What did you think of this episode? Did Erika make the right nominations? Who do you want to see go home.

Posted by J-Unit at 11:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (28)

My Emmy night was like eating a cupcake while getting a handjob from Gem and the Holograms while Mr. Belvedere did my laundry. Yes, tonight was one hell of a TVgasm. Story coming soon...

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 6:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

With the arrival of the 2006 Emmy Award ceremony, tonight was television's biggest night. And any night that's big for TV is big for TVgasm. That's why J-Unit and I dressed up all nice, pulled some Hollywood connections, and made our way into one of the biggest Emmy parties of the night. Needless to say, it was awesome. J-Unit mixed and mingled with several cast members from Grey's Anatomy (including The Pomp), and I got to hobnob with a few pro-athletes, including my favorite football player, Hines Ward!

So while you may read many silly "insider" accounts of what goes on at these Emmy parties, rest assured. We have the inside scoop. Photos after the jump...

J-Unit is all psyched for the big party!

Meanwhile, I'm rocking the tux. A night of a thousand stars, baby!

Ooops! A little nervous!

After my little "incident," I pose with my date for the evening: water bottle!

I know, I know. "Get a room."

J-Unit's date is a bottle of Vitamin Water.

Time to paint the town red!

Before we go into the party, J-Unit calls his mom. She wants him to "get a picture with Matlock."

I, on the other hand, use my phone to take a picture of all the paparazzi outside.

Finally, we arrive!

Partay!!

Check out the sweet buffet.

The dessert spread had all our tongues wagging.

Here I am, mixing it up with Hines Ward, Santana Moss, Shaun Alexander, and Eric Gagne. It was like we were old pals.

Kiefer Sutherland just punched a waiter in front of us.

J-Unit sidles up to Ellen Pompeo. Pretty smooth.

Next thing you know, he's buddy-buddy with the whole cast of Grey's Anatomy! And just when they're about to take a group photo --

-- Helen Mirren totally gets in the way. Some people...

I try my luck with Sandra Oh. Hey, if J-Unit can do it; so can I, right?

Unfortunately, she gives me the cold shoulder.

Since I'm drunk, I take it very personally.

How do you like your Vera Wang now, BITCH???

Calista Flockhart, Lara Flynn Boyle, and Nicole Richie make a joint appearance.

The evening's entertainment is provided by Dwight Stardust. He's awesome.

But he keeps singing "Bad Medicine" by Bon Jovi all night.

Somewhere along the way, my date gets a little cozy with the liquor.

And then J-Unit's date gets a little cozy with the Cuervo.

And then both of our dates get a little cozy with each other.

I mean, really cozy.

Vitamin Water: total whore.

That's okay. I got me a new lady.

Later that night, J-Unit passes out on some couch.

Not in the gift bag!!!

And that was our big night out with the stars. Hope you enjoyed the ride!

Posted by B-side at 3:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (33)

The 2006 Primetime Emmy Awards were last night and those of you paying attention to the ceremony might have been surprised to see nipple on air. Yes folks, there was a slight wardrobe malfunction starring Mindy Kaling of The Office. As she was hugging some of her costars, Mindy was accidentally bumped, and out popped a little bit more of Ms. Kaling for all the world to see. I had my money on Katherine Heigl or Virginia Madsen giving the show, but I guess the folks at The Office are a little more competitive than I would have thought.

We thought that network executives everywhere would be more vigilant after we caught Mischa Barton popping out last year, but this nipple still made it to the West Coast broadcast. Some may say that we are making a big deal about a fleeting moment of not-quite nudity, but hey, a nipple is a nipple, and we just had to share. Screencaps and video after the jump.

Here Mindy (far left) sees one of the writers/co-stars, who comes in for a hug.

Mindy happily gives the aforementioned wirter/co-star the anticipated hug

Writer/co-star begins to exit stage right.

As writer/co-star leaves, she appears to linger a little too long and while exiting stage right, brushes Mindy's bosom.

Still lumbering out of frame, writer/co-star pulls Mindy's dress down slightly. Houston, we have a nipple!

Yep, that's a nipple!

Realizing what just happened, Mindy covers herself up and shoots glare at writer/co-star, taking in her features in order to plot the proper revenge.

Oh, what's that? The Emmy's are on? Yay! The Office won!

For the full video, click the picture below.

2006 Primetime Emmys, 8/27/06, NBC

Posted by J-Unit at 1:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

We just ordered some food to the TVgasm offices and we'll be starting the Live Blog at 8PM PST. Due to spoiler worries, we won't be taking comments until after we are done, but feel free to get all spoilery In The Forums or in the Chat.

8:00 PM
It's the moment we've kind of been sort of waiting for all summer long: The Emmys! We've just sat through an hour of banal pre-show coverage culminating in Nancy O'Dell's so-awkward-it-hurts interview with Annette Bening and Warren Beaty. Yeah, she'll have nightmares about that one. Memo to Nancy: it's not such a great idea to wax nostalgic on Annette Bening's Oscar win when she hasn't, you know, won the Oscar.

8:01 PM
Conan's pre-show skit starts. A plane crash. Conair LOVES that!

8:04 PM
The pre-show skit features a spoof of Lost, The Office, and now 24. Did we mention this is the best pre-show skit EVER??

8:05 PM
And now House and South Park? With a Trapped In The Closet spoof? Excellent. Too bad to know that it's all downhill from here.

8:09 PM
A random Arli$$ joke, but no cutaway to Sandra Oh? I demand an explanation!

8:11 PM
Jaime Pressley LOVES Olive Garden jokes!

8:11 PM
Speaking of the Olive Garden, looks like Candace Bergen's been enjoying those delicious, unlimited breadsticks quite a bit.

8:15 PM
Conan finishes his song-and-dance routine (which is quite good, btw). He then introduces none other than THE POMP. Yes, Ellen Pompeo -- so thin she actually has to carry her dress -- emerges with Patrick Dempsey to present the award for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy. Who shall The Pomp declare most Outstanding? Megan Mullaly. Great. Cheryl Hines looks thrilled -- in an annoyed, pained sort of way.

8:18 PM
Thankfully, Megan Mullaly is ushered off by what sounds like an encroaching samba band. Unfortunately, she's followed by Sean Hayes, thus ensuring that the Will & Grace suckfest continues loud and proud.

8:19 PM
If Gregory Itzin doesn't win for 24, I'll start a hunger strike. Uh oh. Looks like I won't be eating for a while. The Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a drama goes to: Alan Alda? Hmmm.... Will & Grace and West Wing have already taken home two major awards. Good to see that after all the controversy about this year's noms, the outcome is still the same. By the way, props to Alan Alda for not showing up and saving us from a rambling, nattering speech. And yes, President Logan looked very pissed. Don't be surprised if a canister of nerve gas is released in Alda's abode.

8:25 PM
I'm still bummed about Gregory Itzin losing, but Conan cheers me up with a Bob Newhart will die bit. He then tries to make a joke about Charlie and Martin Sheen, but before he can finish the setup, the father and son waltz out in a moment of pure awkwardness that only Julie Chen could have thought up. The two recite forced banter and eventually reveal the winner of Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama: Blythe Danner? Jean Smart was robbed! These awards are bunk! What's worse is that Blythe Danner gives an unfocused, scatterbrained speech that surely would have made Gwyneth shudder. So un-British!

8:30 PM
Okay, these awards are speeding along. I cannot keep up. Now it's time for outstanding supporting actor in a comedy: Jeremy Piven! Finally, a deserving win. In his rushed speech, the cravate-wearing actor manages to mention his potential career as a fluffer. A proud moment for porn stars (and kerchief-enthusiasts) across the land!

8:36 PM
Christopher Meloni speeds by on a "segway podium." Oh, how I'd like him to go careening into Megan Mullaly's bosom.

8:37 PM
Oh great, outstanding supporting actress in a miniseries category. Or as I like to call it: the part of the show where you check your email.

8:38 PM
Irish actress Kelly MacDonald beats out Ellen Burstyn's 14 second performance for the Emmy. Her brogue is so thick that I half expect the house band to eschew the usual samba music in favor of a gentle chorus of Enya "Ahhhhhs."

8:44 PM
Future ménage-à-trois members Heidi Klum, Jeffrey Tambor, and John Lythgoe present the award for Outstanding Variety or Musical program. Oddly, the nominees are seen through iPods and PDAs. Yeah, we don't get it either. No shock here. Daily Show wins.

8:47 PM
Yay! Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ron Livingston! The only thing that could make this more exciting would be if I had a box of saltines!

8:50 PM
The director of My Name Is Earl says that he knows everyone hates the directors and just wants to move onto the acting categories. The audience applauds. "It's true! We really hate you!"

8:52 PM
My Name Is Earl wins for best comedy writing. The head writer delivers the night's best speech by giving a general fuck-you to his 8th grade teacher and his boss on Step-By-Step. Well, there goes my acceptance speech plan. You know, if I ever win anything.

8:55 PM
Well, it's been nearly an hour, and NBC has won nearly all the major categories. In other news, the Emmys no longer make any sense.

8:57 PM
Simon Cowell steps on stage to a chorus of boos. "We want manboobs! We want manboobs!"

8:58 PM
Yay! Dick Clark tribute time! Note to self: don't make any callous speech impediment jokes.

9:00 PM
Shouldn't Ryan Seacrest be on stage, not Simon Cowell? Then again, it might be kind of odd to have a Muppet perform a tribute.

9:01 PM
It's so sad that Dick Clark died. Oh wait, he's alive? Do the Emmy producers know this?

9:02 PM
Dick Clark actually sounds a lot better than when we last heard him on New Years. Good for him. That being said, it is sort of funny when he says "Sit down, sit down," only because it sounds like he's saying, "Shit down, shit down."

9:04 PM
Hey, there's an oversized rodent on stage! And it looks like it's had plastic surgery! Oh wait, it's Barry Manilow.

9:05 PM
I wonder who will play Dick Clark in the inevitable biopic? We're thinking Mel Gibson post twelve drinks.

9:05 PM
Dick Clark's inner monologue: I'm a living legend, and they give me this crap? Barry Manilow. Fuck you, Academy.

9:11 PM
Individual Performance in a Musical or Variety blah blah blah: Barry Manilow WINS?? What. The. Hell. Even Tina Fey can't believe it.

9:12 PM
Barry Manilow does the whole "I didn't expect to win! I really didn't! And here is my speech that I wrote down!" Luckily, the samba Nazis cut him off, but not before he says, "This goes into the operating room with me tomorrow as a good luck charm." Huh? What? Is the Emmy getting a face lift also?

9:17 PM
24 finally wins something: directing. Still doesn't make up for the Jean Smart/Gregory Itzin double-snub.

9:25 PM
Another miniseries category. GREAT. I don't know who Hugh Dancy is, but I hope he wins, just for having one of the most foppish names of the night.

9:27 PM
Megan Mulally and Howie Mandel are plodding through some painful banter. Who would have thought two such luminaries would tank so gloriously?

9:33 PM
Jon Stewart and The Daily Show gang win for Outstanding Musical or Variety Show writing. It's a bit predictable, but that's okay because Jon says he's going to kill Bob Newhart. I laugh especially hard, that is until I realize he said "Bob Newhart" and not "Barry Manilow." Still funny though.

9:39 PM
Ooh! Hugh Laurie and Hellen Mirren. Gwyneth is probably SO excited!

9:41 PM
Hey Andre Braugher, straighten your tie, JERK! Who do you think you are? Jeremy "The Cravate" Piven?

9:42 PM
Time for lead actor in a comedy. And speaking of comedy, Bradley Whitford is HI-larious with his little shtick. Now pardon me while I throw myself off my balcony.

9:44 PM
HA! Tony Shaloub just won for lead actor in a comedy. Moments prior, I commented to J-Unit that there was no way that Steve Carrell could lose -- unless there was some Tony Shaloub funny-business. Sure enough... best Emmys ever! And by that, I mean WORST.

9:45 PM
Poor Steve Carrell. Not only did he lose, but he developed a thick sheen of sweat on his head too. That's gotta suck.

9:45 PM
Once again, NBC teases us with the prospect of an Aaron Spelling tribute. Just show it, dammit! We demand awkward badinage from Joan Collins!

9:50 PM
Candace Bergen takes the stage looking like a WASPy-mermaid-meets-beerhall-wench. My night is complete.

9:51 PM
And now a word from Dick Askin. Oh wait, it's the Aaron Spelling tribute. Sweet. And here comes Joan Collins, Stephen Collins, and Heather Locklear. Meanwhile, in the audience are Randy and Carol Spelling. But wither Tori? Ah, there she is. Scandal averted. The tribute ends with Joan Collins reaching husky new depths with each word more overdramatic than the next. Can't be sure, but I think she might be auditioning for Oprah's next Legend's Ball.

9:57 PM
Alert! Alert! Farrah Fawcett on stage! If your pharmacist was out of Xanax today, this is why.

9:59 PM
Kate Jackson says that Aaron Spelling once told her she had stardust in her eyes. Or as it's called these days: Botox.

10:00 PM
Farrah's at the mic, and here we go... She's losing it! She's losing it!

10:02 PM
By the way, whoever thought it would be a good idea to whoop a cheer during the respectful "Aaron Spelling is dead" silence is sort of an idiot.

10:06 PM
Hey, who toasted Sarah Michelle Gellar and put her on stage with James Woods? Oh wait, it's just Eva Longoria.

10:07 PM
The Girl in the Café wins for best made-for-TV movie. How delightful. Now excuse me while I enter a coma. By the way, would it kill the producers to play some music while these people walk to the podium?

10:08 PM
The unassuming woman who accepts on behalf The Girl in the Café says that her co-acceptor couldn't be there tonight because he was filming Harry Potter. Nice name drop, BITCH.

10:09 PM
Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart present for outstanding reality competition. Elitism is the name of the game as the two lampoon the reality genre and the audience claps enthusiastically. It's okay though as Colbert bemoans, "I LOST TO BARRY MANILOW!!!"

10:11 PM
And the Emmy goes to... The Amazing Race. Huh. Okay. I love this show as much as anyone, but... it wasn't better than Project Runway this year. And what's up with the random clip they show? It's Phil introducing a Detour. Yes, nothing sums up the Amazing Race experience like hearing rules and regulations.

10:12 PM
For those of you just joining us, here's what you've missed: LAST YEAR'S EMMYS.

10:17 PM
Katherine Heigl puts the HI! in Heigl! As in, is this the Emmys or the GOLDEN GLOBES! As in, HER BREASTS ARE HUGE!

10:18 PM
Girl in the Cafe loses out for directing. Take THAT, Harry Potter sumbitches!

10:19 PM
The morose director of Elizabeth I says that it's a long way from the stadium in Lithuania where he filmed the movie. Brilliant observation. What the hell is this guy talking about?

10:20 PM
Ooh! Revenge of The Girl in the Cafe! Richard Curtis wins for writing. Katherine Heigl informs us that he can't be there to accept the award. Yes, we heard. He's filming Harry Potter. ENOUGH.

10:22 PM
James Gandolfini and Edie Falco seem entranced by the video montage of the miniseries nominees. So much so that they don't realize for a good three or four seconds that they're back on camera. Edie Falco looks positively mortified. And this is from the woman who went full-frontal on Broadway!

10:24 PM
Ah! The in memoriam popularity contest begins! Dennis Weaver starts things off with decent applause. People want to clap more, but you can tell they're holding back for bigger names. Oh, and here comes Mrs. Philo T. Farnsworth. You know, the first woman ever to appear on a cathode ray tube. Duh. No applause for her. That's shock.

We now pause the Tivo because an errant cricket has entered the TVgasm viewing party. One moment please.

10:26 PM
The cricket is dominating over J-Unit's attempts to capture it.

Dramatic simulation of the TVgasm cricket crisis.

10:27 PM
J-Unit has successfully ushered the invading cricket out the door. Mission accomplished. Back to the death montage.

10:28 PM
Don Adams earns some strong applause, but it's no Dennis Weaver. YIKES! Clarabell the Clown! Scariest dead person ever! Robert Sterling meanwhile gets nothing. People HATE him! Red Buttons does pretty well, but he's no Mike Douglas who gets the loudest ovation yet. Still, it's a pretty weak showing, made weaker by Gloria Monty who gets nothing. Pat Morita receives decent applause, but not as much as on the Oscars earlier this year. Maureen Stapleton takes the lead for two seconds, but Buck Owens and Jack Warden wrestle it away. Ah, but behold the power of Don Knotts! You'd think he'd be the champ, but here comes John Spencer with the smackdown. Not even Shelly Winters can beat him! Last but not least is Richard Pryor though. Did he beat out John Spencer? Did he? It's too close to call, but we're gonna say no. We therefore declare that John Spencer wins the title of most popular dead person of the 2006 Emmys. Congratulations!

10:35 PM
Oh god. The miniseries nominations are STILL GOING. Now it's for outstanding lead actress. There's no way this show's ending on time. And who wins for this category? The always slutty Helen Mirren. Of course she has a charmingly witty comment upon receiving her award. This is followed by the proclamation: "I want to talk about writing." PLEASE DO.

10:37 PM
Helen Mirren 1, Samba Music 0.
Bitch don't get cut off!

10:37 PM
Ooh! Calista Flockhart says that she almost fell ass over tit! Or rather, pelvis over rib.

10:38 PM
Lead actress in a drama. Who will it be? Mariska Hargitay wins! A triumph for all women with "ishka" names!

10:40 PM
Tyra Banks and Victor Garber take the stage. They make out for five minutes. Seriously.

10:41 PM
Just kidding. They don't make out. Sorry for that image. And the winner for lead actress in a comedy goes to... a surprise! Julia Louis Dreyfuss! Suck it, Jane Kasczmarekral;kdjfa;ls!!

10:43 PM
You thought Katherine Heigl had an ample bosom? Meet Virginia Madsen, who appears to be harnessing two blimps in her evening gown.

10:44 PM
YES! Kiefer Sutherland wins for 24! Finally! Time to wrestle a Christmas Tree! Meanwhile, in the audience, President Logan downs his sorrows with a beer. Drink up, Prezzy. Drink up.

10:50 PM
Okay. The final stretch. Time for Outstanding Comedy series. Please don't let this be Two and a Half Men.

10:51 PM
And the winner is... The Office! Yes! And whoa... was that... a nip slip by Mindy Kaling??? Our eagle-eyed East Coast staff noticed it first and then promptly alerted us (thank you Michelle Collins). The night is now complete!

10:57 PM
Last category! Drama! Seriously, Outstanding Drama series. And the winner is...YES YES YES!!! 24 wins!!! Forgive my 24 love, non 24 fans, but this is awesome. Even more awesome is that while everyone wanders up to the stage, we get a clip of Chloe barking at Buchanan. Bliss.

10:59 PM
Did the producer of 24 just thank NBC? Or was that me? And there's Curtis and Audrey. Isn't it sad that I refer to these people by their character names?

11:00 PM
And that's it! It's been fun (sort of). Goodnight, y'all!

Posted by at 7:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

I'm not sure how to react to this week's episode of Project Runway. Part of me recognizes that the challenge was one of their freshest and most original, made more so by the fact that it came after another boring "garbage challenge." Yet part of me felt somewhat manipulated and defensive. Let's just say EdHill is an unabashed momma's boy, and he don't take too kindly to people raggin' on someone's momma. Unless we are playing the dozens, then I will destroy you (Yo momma so fat, her belt size is Equator). All controversy aside (and this episode did have it) I still think it was one of the best episodes of the season. It was a truly original challenge and really tested the designers's limits. We got to hear words we'd never think would be uttered on Project Runway. Words like "Poncho", "Tank dress" and "muu muu".

We start as always the next day after the challenge. Jeffrey is still reeling from the travesty that as the Alison loss. "Alison was eliminated yesterday. It was a huge blow" he says emphasizing the word blow as if it's a word that has become part of his everyday vernacular, as in "Hey man where's the Blow" or "Holy shit I am so high of blow right now I just shat myself". Jeffrey tells us that he feels that it was Angela who should have been in the bottom rung of the ladder and not Alison. Listen, there was plenty of shitty dresses to go around last time but for once Angela's wasn't the worst. She still sucks mind you, but come on, Did you SEE Vincent's snow cone? Over in the other apartment Michaels is reveling in is double win. He's so happy he says he grinned himself a headache. He's really getting his moneys worth on those gold caps.

When the contestants are brought before the runway Heidi tells them that they will be designing an outfit for the everyday woman. But knowing Heidi and her knack for tomfoolery, I suspect a devious yet adorable twist involved. "But first (Should TVgasm get some kind of residual for every time this phrase is uttered?) let's bring out your models". And what follows next is a series of what Tim Gunn would call "Zaftig" looking older women. Angela freaks out and almost faints, but she does that every 5 minutes so at first I didn't notice. But then it dawned on me. Each model is a loved one of the designers. Most of them are their mothers.

But there's yet another twist. The designers have to pick but they cannot pick their own relative. Ooh, a veritable Sophie's Choice. Michael gets to pick first and he picks Roberts sister, who is kind of cute, relatively young, and not as zaftig as the other ladies so probably the easiest one to design for. Plus we get the added bonus of having Robert watch her walk down the runway with a hip hugging nip slip of a Michael dress. Woo hoo! Next up is Laura and she's chooses Jeff's mom "Just to torture you Jeff" she says laughing that fake "Yes I'm laughing but I'm totally serious you piece of shit tattooed neck freak" laugh. I love that laugh. Vincent picks Uli's mom. Oh Vincent, you better be on your toes my good man. Uli's mom has got to be at least in her sixties, meaning she was born in say the mid 1930's, in Germany. Let's just say she will not tolerate failure. Then it's Angela's turn to pick. Who's mother will be drowned in flourettes? Laura's mom! Kayne picks Michaels mom and Uli picks Kayne's mom. Robert goes with Vincent's sister, and Jeffrey since he had to go last, is given Angela's mom. We then hear Jeffrey joking about how god must have gotten drunk today for him to get her mom. Yeah well, he created Jeff when he was wasted on mescaline and tequila and choking on his own vomit, so these things do hapen.

In the workroom Tim comes by with what must be the 8th surprise of the show. They are all invited to special event hosted by their guest judge and they are leaving right now. Where they end up is Tavern on the Green in Central Park. They are met there by Michael Kors and an older looking woman who I instantly can tell is Michael Kors mother. Michael opens up some bubbly and the moms immediately whip out dorky photos of their kids when they were younger. It's what moms do. And how embarrassing is that? I mean my god, imagine if you had a really lame picture of yourself as a kid out there for all the world to see? I can't even imagine how I'd react to something like that...

EdHill age 2. And yes, that's a beer

After we see pictures of Kayne as a fat kid he tells us that "he was a fat, funny kid". Unfortunately for us now he is neither. When Jeffrey's mom brings out pictures of her young son with braces everyone laughs. I must admit looking at his picture his neck looks positively naked. Then Jeff's mom tells us that Jeffrey is a recovering alcoholic (Is anyone really surprised?) and she is really proud of him. And would t have killed hi to have fit in "Mom" on his neck? I mean Christ he's got the room.

Not to be outdone Kors is talking with Laura and her mom and they are all bonding over the only child thing. Kors tell his mom that Laura is in fact the mother of five. "Working on six now actually" Laura says. That's right. Laura drops the bomb that yes she is in fact pregnant with her sixth child and has only found out since the show began. Malan is going to be a daddy! OK, it's probably her husband who is the father but a guy can dream cant he?

Tim then grabs everyone's attention and says its time to go back to the workroom with their champagne buzz. When they get there he fills them in on the challenge. They are to design an everyday outfit for their "Client" but it has to be fashion forward as well. They have 30 minutes to meet with their client and a day to work. When they all start their sketching a big kudos to Robert for talking about the difficulty of working with "normal" women as opposed to the rail thin models that they have been working with where you can just drape the form and go to work.

Angela is working with Laura's mom Lorraine. Lorraine tells Angela that "I am open to anything that you think is good". Oh sweet, sweet Jesus. This is borderline abuse. Poor Lorraine. Over at Kayne's station he is working with Michael's adorable mom and he thinks that because she had rhinestones on her shoes that they are going to bond. And they do bond. About rhinestones. Vincent is working with Uli's taciturn mother and he suggests something sleek. "Something black and tan" she says. Now for people like me a black and tan is a truly glorious thing. But it has nothing to do with fashion. Laura and Jeffrey's mom Pam are talking and when Pam mentions she just came home from a cruise they go with the idea of cruise outfit and gets a sketching. We hear words like "sea foam green" and "cobalt blue" being bandied about. Over at Jeffrey's station he is with Angela's mom Darlene and things aren't going well . She mentions that she wears a lot of jackets and he immediately shoots it down saying he doesn't want to tailor a jacket with just one day. There's a bit if tension and Darlene starts to feel really bad that Jeffrey is struggling. See, this is the awkward part about having the family involved. But if you think that's awkward, you ain't seen nothing yet.

After they are done sketching Tim comes in to tell them its time to go to Mood. To the Partridge Mobile!!!! Robert is not happy that Patricia, Vincent's sister, wants to go with red ad black for colors. Robert thinks they are too boring. But Vincent's sister thinks it's hot. It totally turns her on man. So Robert is stuck.

Back in the workroom Laura say there are some stumped designers in the room, which is based mostly on the fact that they are designing for mostly larger women. None of them are comfortable because they are used to working with models that have perfect measurements, which are of course .000999 percent of the population, but thankfully 80 percent of those woman end up as models on Project Runway and/or ex girlfriends of mine.

After the designers get a few hours of work in Tim stops by to check on their progress. Vincent describes his relationship with Uli's mom thusly. "She is very, very comfortable with me. In spirit". That's kind of like the old axiom "Communism works, in theory." I mean when you think about it, Tom Cruise is straight, in theory.

When Laura's mom poo poo's Angela's color choices Tim "zaftig" Gunn diplomatically says Angela is "lucky to have a client with a point of view!". Well, not when they have one day for the challenge and no way of changing fabrics Tim. Now it's kind of a pain in the ass. But that's not tension. What happens next, that's tension. In fact I have to say what happens next will have to go down in the annals of reality show douchebag moments. In fact, I would have to say that this is almost as bad as Johnny Fairplay taking a shit on a woman as she sleeps in Kill Reality. When Tim comes by to talk to Darlene (Angela's mom) alone, he asks her about the colors. Darlene is ambivalent because she never really worn them before and it's not something she's used to. Soon Jeffrey sneaks up behind them as they are talking and says "Tim I didn't even know you were at my station" in a kind of dickish way that is classic Jeffrey. After Tim diffuses the situation with his trademark wit and a nicely paced bon mot. He just explains that he wanted to take the opportunity to talk to Darlene alone and see what she thought. Another interesting thing to note, in Tim's always entertaining podcast, he says he was embarrassed for Darlene because Jeffrey decided to pad up his dress form to the size of a hippopotamus with paper towels and tape.

Tim tells Jeffrey what Darlene said. Namely that she is ambivalent about the colors. Jeffrey then gets defensive and starts taking it out on Angela's mom. That's right, Mr. punk rocker tattoo bad boy rock and roll hot shot starts insulting Angela's poor middle aged mother to her face. When Tim leaves Jeffrey just continues his tirade. "I'm gonna make the dress I'm gonna make and if you don't like it you don't like it. I just hope the judges like it". Angela's mom asks, correctly, why she is being treated this way. Jeffrey's responds with "I don't even appreciate you even standing here". Oh Christ I want to reach into this TV and strangle him. And god knows it'll be easy with a neck like his. It just screams out for a garrote.

Jeffrey won't let up and Darlene tries to tell him that "I know what works for me". Jeffrey then fires of his last salvo of pure dickishness. "Maybe other people find things about you that you don't find in yourself because of your own insecurities. How does thatsound?" he says with dripping disdain. Angela's mom comes back with what I have to say is a good comeback. "I think that if you have your own tastes in clothes that that doesn't make you insecure." Jeff can no longer take this kind of horrible abuse so goes off to sew while calling Darlene a "crazy bitch". Class personified.

Meanwhile, the somewhat oversensitive Darlene's is crying. Angela tries to console her by explaining that that's just Jeffrey, he's the obnoxious drug addict egotistical moron of the show. Every shows gotta have one. He's like our Balki. In Angela's diary room interview she is breaking down into tears because her mom was so upset. There are no patchwork flourette designs that can mend the hole in her heart... Back in the workroom Vincent lets Jeff know that Darlene is crying. Jeff remains unapologetic to the last saying he feels no need to be nice to her.

In the break room Jeff's mom is trying to minimize the damage he did, a role she looks like she has played many times. When she goes into hug Jeff she breaks down crying herself. Jeff, still clueless tells us that "it breaks his heart" because his mom is so proud of him. Back in the workroom Angela confronts Jeffrey about what happened. Jeffrey's take is that she went out of her way to embarrass her and "I'm just not gonna stand for it". With that drama out of the way everyone hunkers down and works through to the midnight deadline.

That night when they get back to the apartment Uli pours herself a glass of wine and makes a reference to Laura's pregnancy. From there we hear Laura talks more about her 6th pregnancy "5, 6, 7 it doesn't make that big of a difference, I'll just throw it on the pile with the other ones." OK, it's official; I'm now an unabashed Laura fan.

The next morning everyone is excited about the impending runway show. Tim comes in and tells them they have an hour to dress and get their models ready. When it's time for Darlene's fitting she steps up to the plate because, as Tim Gunn has said, the dress is a monstrosity. When she goes behind the curtain to change Angela is their to tell her that when the judges ask her what she feels about the dress that she should be honest and say what she feels. Jeffrey overhears this and probably thinks it's Angela trying to subvert his chances. I suppose it kinda is, but he did make her mom cry, so yyou can't really blame her. Jeffrey is already smelling defeat by saying he would feel good about going out on this challenge because it was nothing he could have prepared for. These women aren't anorexic rock stars with bad taste. He's just hamstrung. Vincent meanwhile is talking to Uli's mom as if she is from another planet. "Is OK? I come downstairs (Pointing down). We do hair, makeup. I go with you." It's like Tarzan meets Woody Allen. With that the time has come and its Runway time.

On the runway they are greeted by Heidi who introduces our judges Michael, his mom (who sounds as if she is no stranger to the menthol) and Nina. Heidi also says that for this challenge, there will be no immunity. The first one up is Laura's design modeled by Pam, Jeff's mom. It's a classic Laura, but not one of her best. The nautical thing is goofy and it doesn't fit her right. Laura spots this as she's walking down runway. Next up is Uli's design being modeled by Kayne's mom Judy. Its great. Classic Uli print and it flows and fits her real well. If Uli is not showing at Fashion Week in September I will be so mad I am going to drape my BAWLS on the runway. Speaking of which, don't forget to enter the contest and go with me and drink my BAWLS. They are quite refreshing I can assure you.

Next up is Vincent's outfit modeled by Uli's mom. It's a tan outfit with an enormous collar. I'm surprised she doesn't have the huge oversized sunglasses to accessorize it. I just don't get it. Vincent meanwhile is quietly masturbating to its unabashed hotness. It just turns him on man. Kayne's model is Michael's mom and it doesn't fit her well. The colors are nice but Capri pants on a woman that size? Not working.

Next up is Angela's dress modeled by Laura's mom Lorraine. It's a basic black dress with all sorts of layered fringe around it. The sad thing is this is "understated" Angela. Also, it doesn't flatter her figure. Another dud. Angela however is thrilled. She loves the fringe and how it moves and thinks she really embodies the spirit of "casual elegance". When Vincent's sister comes out wearing Roberts outfit she looks like a giant walking hurricane warning flag. I'm not ragging on the woman's weight but it's more that Roberts dress is just not tailored well. It's just a big black muu-muu with a giant red wrap around the top. The pissy look on Patricia's face didn't help sell it either.

Next up is nice bit of fresh air as Roberts sister Teresa comes out looking cute in Michaels outfit. Sadly she has had no screen time and we haven't even heard her speak yet. So she speaks with her runway walk. She does it like a pro. And Michael's outfit is nice to boot. Black with a printed belt. And it's reversible! Next up is Jeff's dress on Darlene. It's the mess we all knew it would be. A blig blue patchwork pile of nonsense.

After the show they bring them all before the judges. They start with Michael, Kayne, Vincent, Uli and Robert. They start with Michael. It's a reversible shirt dress and they all like it, with the exception of Michael Kors who had issues with the belt. He felt it looked to "matronly". Then it's Uli's dress. My favorite. I love Uli and her prints. And so do the judges.

When they get to Kayne the mood changes. They don't like Kayne's dress on Michaels mom. Nina thinks its too "matchy matchy" for her. Next they talk to Vincent. Before they critique the dress Heidi and Uli's mom have a short conversation in German. Not speaking German I'm not sure what they were talking about but I'm sure it had something to do with the Jews. The Kors duo both like it was well as Nina and Heidi. Not sure why as it's just a black dress with a giant clown collar. But what do I know? I got a girl helping me pick out my outfit for Fashion Week.

Then they move on to Robert and the hurricane warning dress. Nina is upset that he went the easy way with the tank dress, and they also wanted a print. Kors says it's a good basic, but it doesn't show her personality. The "boring" stigma is staying with Robert. Will it be enough to get him booted?

Next they bring out Angela, Jeffrey and Laura. They start with Angela and when she start talking about "Casual Elegance" and how this would be a great dress that Audrey Hepburn would wear to Jubilee Jumbles yada yada, they cut her off and tell her that it doesn't look Audrey Hepburn at all. Kors says its more Stevie Nicks than Audrey Hepburn. And fat older Stevie too, not the young hot and coked out Stevie.

When they get to Laura's sailor outfit they aren't happy. Kors thinks it looks aging, and it doesn't fit her well. But Laura benefits by the fat that they go from her outfit right to Jeff's. They ask Darlene her opinion and Darlene lets loose. She feels matronly and that she would never buy something like that. Jeff tells the judges that "My objective really was, really was, to make this dumb bit- I mean Darlene happy." Kors doesn't like it at all. He thinks it looks confused. Then we hear Heidi say something that then becomes one of their tell tale voiceovers. She says "I have to tell you I didn't like it" which is then overlapped with the voiceover of Heidi saying "But at least I see a point of view here." This of course means that Jeff is going to make it. It's the same ploy they used last week with Alison. As far as you knew Alison was making a good dress, so they had to insert Tim Gunn in a voiceover expressing concern about the design so that way when Alison gets booted its not completely out of nowhere. Same thing here. Everyone ragged on Jeffrey's outfit, but since we now know he didn't go home they have to insert a voiceover caveat making it sound like there was a saving grace in the outfit that spared him. The whole thing makes me suspect about the judging process of Project Runway. The show has always shined on its integrity of the process, but lately I'm not so sure, after we found out that the producers have a hand in the judging, and with the phony voiceovers, I'm starting to form a theory about how the show is set up. I think the judges know fairly early on who they think the top 5 most talented designers will be. From there it's not a question of who is eliminated, but just when. Vincent sucks, but since he's crazy they'll keep him around longer than they would Alison, who didn't make for good TV (well, if you don't count the shots of her in her nightie that is). At least that's my theory.

From there they ask Angela how she thinks her mom looks, and Angela wastes not time in hurtling Jeff under the bus. "I think it's embarrassing" she says.

After the judges deliberate (Highlight: Michael comparing Jeff's outfit to "Comme des Garçon goes to Amish country" Oh my god he is so right!) they bring everyone out for the final decision. Michael gets to go first because he had immunity. Which means no threepeat. Next they tell Laura that she is safe. Now its time for the winner. And the winner is... Vincent. Whoa. The judges must have quite the hard on for collars. Uli, Kayne and Angela are all safe and leave the runway. And the look on Jeff's face when Angela makes it never gets old.

So that leaves us with Robert and Jeff. And we all know because of the voiceover who is going home. It's Robert, for his boring two color tank dress. Backstage everyone laments the loss of Robert. Kayne expresses his sadness in a tortured metaphor. "You brighten up my sunshine every day". Jeff is also taking it hard and in complimenting Robert while choking back tears, also throws more backhanded insults at the others "They're not all good people, bottom line., and Robert is a good person."

After that they give Robert a nice round of applause and send him on his merry way. What did everyone else think? Did the right person go home? Did Vincent deserve to win? Is Roberts sister a mute?

Posted by EdHIll at 11:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (49)

Oh yeah. The Emmys are this weekend. As is our responsibility as television bloggers, we'll be checking out the festivities from the couch, blogging live here at TVgasm. Be sure to check out the site starting at 8 PM PST where we'll be writing as we watch/drink/bemoan the winners.

Posted by B-side at 4:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Eyewitness News 7, 8/9/06, ABC

What's worse: the image of two walruses having sex or the idea of this anchorman doin' the nasty to Barry White?

Posted by B-side at 4:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

You all probably thought The Real World: Key West was over, didn't you? Well, guess what? It's not over until the fat lady sings, and then has a reunion, and then airs a special about the shit she didn't sing. Or something like that. Yes, last night was the triumphant, hour-long Key West reunion hosted by intrepid MTV journalist Susie. It was everything we were hoping for: Svetlana cried, Tyler brushed off criticism, and Johnny Bananas learned he had been sleeping in ass hair. We also got to relive some of our favorite moments, which meant the glorious return of Paula's seminal catch-phrase, "KISS MY ASS! KISS MY GODDAMN ASS!!!" All in all, not a bad way to spend a Tuesday night.

As with the case of any reunion show, the first order of business was assessing everyone's looks. There wasn't much to report on with this gang. Jose looked pretty good in his proto-Miami Vice gettup. Zach was the same typical slob, his Jew-fro spilling forth like a science fair volcano. Tyler looked essentially the same with perhaps a more articulated faux-hawk. Janelle had straightened her hair to lovely effect. Johnnie Bananas looked exactly the same. Paula appeared to have gained some weight -- in a good way, and Svetlana looked like she had taken the Mystic Tan ball and run with it as she came to us in a highly bronzed state. As for Susie, she looked just as wide-eyed and dopey as usual. Just how we like her.

Right off the bat, there was mild drama as Zach mistakenly thought he had been neglected in Susie's introductions. "Did I get introduced?" he asked, revealing his inner-diva. Okay, okay, he was just joking. Still, Susie snarked back, "You're so needy, Zach. What's up with that?" Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Battle of the curls!

Susie then asked what the real deal was with the cast. Did they love each other? Or did they hate each other? Well, John suggested that they loved AND hated each other, hence the love/hate relationship. Zach took it one step further and said -- you guessed it -- they were like family. Awww. Tyler tried to say how this cast was stuck with each other way more so than others because they were half an hour from Key West and blah blah blah, but Susie had no time for that. She had had a delayed reaction to Zach's family comment, and she wanted to make her belated response. "Zach, you guys mentioned you guys were a family? You were a dysfunctional family!" she quipped proudly, as if coming up with the word "dysfunctional" was the greatest zinger in the history of television. Sensing she was on a roll, she then added, "More like THE SOPRANOS!" Actually, not like The Sopranos at all. You went too far, Susie. You went too far.

We then watched a fun little clip package of all the dysfunction, which meant we got to see some classic "KISS MY ASS!" hijinks along with a savory dash of "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE!!!!" Afterwards, John said that when Paula got drunk, she would come at him for no reason. "Because she was in love with you!" Tyler suddenly blurted out. I wouldn't necessarily disagree. This of course led to a bigger question in my head: whatever happened to all of Paula's lesbian tendencies? Wasn't she dating a girl going into this experience? How did we forget about this?

Nevertheless, Paula laughed off Tyler's theory, and instead reminded everyone that John had a small penis. This absolutely scandalized Susie, who looked like she had just seen a live beheading. Paula then recanted her statement, saying, "I'm kidding. It's huge!" This led to more chuckles all around, and then Jose talked about how crazy it was that first night when Paula had that famous hyperventilating breakdown. He excitedly shared how he thought Paula was going to be so cool when he first met her, but when she started to freak out that evening, he was like "Whoaaa!" And yes, that was more enthusiasm and emotion than we had seen from Jose all season.

Tyler, on the other hand, claimed that when he first met Paula, he saw that she was anorexic but didn't want to make assumptions about her past. "Let's get to know her a little more before we start jumping to these like crazy conclusions, being like she was like molested by kangaroos or something like that," he said. To be fair, Paula was molested by kangaroos. By the way, I loved hearing Tyler talk about his noble desires to withhold judgments. Wasn't this the same guy who in the very first episode wrote Svetlana off as a spoiled, Russian-mafia diva? And then held her to that for the rest of the season?

Tyler then talked about why he had signed up for The Real World. It wasn't to make life-long friends, he said. It was to have fun. And to spout worn-out clichés like "I'm gonna keep it real," which is what he said about five times during this segment. Yes, Tyler's ambition was to get on the show and reprimand people who he thought were acting stupidly. I guess it's amusing in theory, and it's not like I don't spend every waking minute of the day making fun of people on TV, but when it's applied to a real life scenario, it goes from funny to maliciously obnoxious very quickly. I wouldn't go walking around, telling people how to act and behave. Clearly, I'd do it behind their backs on a blog. Much more civilized.

Anyway, after the break, it was time to focus solely on Tyler and the wrath he had unleashed on the house. Jose amiably bashed his buddy by saying, "Tyler can take any situation and rationalize it to his benefit," to which Tyler keeled over and laughed in agreement. Little did we know how true this would assessment would be as a surprisingly combative Susie grilled him about his in-house behavior. "Why did you feel the need to punish Svetlana?" our curious hostess asked.

"Here's a disclaimer," Tyler said, already preparing us for what was sure to be a ridiculous excuse. "I did not take the show that seriously," he then said, as if that were to make all his actions acceptable. And by the way, nothing says "not taking the show seriously" like throwing a hissy fit and writing a nasty letter on the front door. Hey Tyler, you should have left your tenuous excuses at Tufts, you low-life hypocritical bitch!

Unfortunately for Tyler, Susie did not approve of the way he treated his roommates. "These are human beings. Like real people!" she said, getting mad in the process. Tyler brushed off her comment, saying that it's not like he was cutting his roommates up and torturing them. "But you kind of were! Some of the stuff you were saying, dude!" Susie shot back. Wow, she was en fuego! When Susie become the best moderator EVER??? Sometimes though, I wish Jeff Probst would host these things, just to whip the kids into shape. Judge Judy would be acceptable also. And I suppose Dr. Phil too. Basically, anyone over the age of 30.

Anyway, Tyler defended/deluded himself by saying that yeah, he could sound awful "if you edit it into a clip package, of course."

"But it still happened!" Susie snapped back, adding, "They made this clip package because you said those things." At this point, I actually felt badly for Tyler. Nothing's more embarrassing than losing an argument to Susie on national TV.

"In yo' face, motherfucker! I'M SUSIE!!!!"

As you'd expect in this segment, the spotlight then fell on Svetlana, teary-eyed, chronic punching bag of Tyler. Svetty claimed that the experience was so rough that she doesn't even watch the show (we'll just pretend like we didn't read her rant on Mystic Tan overlord Ricky's blog), and sure enough, our favorite Russian began getting choked up right there on the stage. "I know I'm going to open up a can of worms right now, but I have every right to say what the fuck I have to say," she said as "Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves" rang in my head. At this point, I leaned over and rubbed my palms in anticipation. Here it comes: another Tyler/Svetlana fight!

Well, I was not disappointed. A bawling Svetlana charged, "You picked me apart! Like, I wouldn't say anything. Like, I would just be sitting there, and I would just--"

Before she could finish, Tyler tried to interrupt, but our Strong Black Russian Woman yelled back, "I'm still talking! SHUT UP!!!!" The audience then let out scattered applause, adding a lovely Sally Jesse Raphael-ish flavor to the confrontation. Sadly, Svetlana shushed them and then droned on about how she was so hurt and how she had never yelled back and all that good stuff. "I came on that show to make friends!" she yell/cried, and say what you will about Fitz, but at least her motives in joining the cast were not to specifically attack the rest of her roommates.

Mid-rant, Janelle 2.0 (the nicer, sweeter Janelle who emerged towards the end of the season) suddenly interrupted to idealistically say, "I just really hope, especially between you two, that, you know, we can resolve this today." Aw, that was lovely. And completely unrealistic. Bitch, this storm will be raging for years.

Anyway, after Svetlana vented all her frustrations and hurt, Tyler unapologetically scoffed, "This was like nine months ago! I'm over this whole bullshit!" WELL! In that case, never mind! If the bully feels okay about it, then everyone should just shut up and move on! And by the way, nine months is not a long time to get over nonstop, abusive verbal attacks. I think if anyone should know that, it's Tyler, who seems to still be smarting from the way his older brother treated him when he was like four.

Nevertheless, Tyler thought the whole thing was ridiculous. "We're not in high school anymore!" he remarked brashly. This coming from the guy who spent his Key West days penning the ultimate Svetlana burn book.

"Mr. Burn Book, don't talk about high school!" Susie then said. Wow. Susie and I were totally on the same wavelength. I'm sad for myself.

And about that burn book... Tyler of course snapped, "It was a fucking joke!" You know, the sort of joke that's so funny that someone winds up crying in the corner and feeling humiliated. Ha ha ha. Actually, that is sort of funny. Never mind.

Well, before things got too ugly, Jose then chimed in to put a positive spin on this whole situation. He said that there were times when he thought Svetlana was a spoiled brat, but now she -- and Paula too -- had really benefited tenfold from this experience. Tyler then quickly interjected, "ALL OF US!" Must... have... all... the... glory... Yes, because it was just too unfair to say that Paula and Svetlana had grown the most, Tyler tried to act like he was the unfair victim of some sort of growth snobbery. He had grown a lot too, dammit! Or at least, so he said. Granted, we didn't get to see any of that growth, and granted, he seemed to shove away any notions that he was imperfect, and granted, if anything, he seemed to regress through the experience, but I'm sure his growth was really quite impressive. And let's not forget, he did blossom as an artist -- lest we overlook the great contribution to modern painting that is RED GOD!!!

Shockingly, not everyone believed that Tyler had grown as a person. Susie asked Svetlana what she thought, and The Russian remarked that she didn't know (translation: no). She also noted that Tyler didn't come into the house to grow. He just wanted to keep it real. Plus, it's not like she's really spent any time with Tyler since the show. He's not a part of her life, she said, but at the same time, she wouldn't change a single thing he had said because it made her who she is today. Boring. Hold resentment! Lots of it!

After the break, we then moved onto the Paula segment, which wasn't nearly as fun as Tyler's. The beleaguered roommate said she was happy that the experience had been so hard and that Janelle had really helped her off the getgo by essentially saying, "Bitch, you better get help because you will not be ruining my time here." You see? A brash, selfish attitude can bring about productive change!

Tyler then said that he didn't think Paula should have been in the cast because she needed to get help, but Paula massively disagreed, saying it was important to show what she was going through. She then added, "KISS MY ASS, TYLER!! KISS MY GODDAMN CONTROVERSIALLY CAST ASS!!!!" By the way, we all know the real reason why he didn't want her on the cast: it just meant there was more of the spotlight that he had to share. It was to be his! All his!!!

Well, with Susie becoming alarmingly shiny (somebody get her some powder, STAT!), Zach then chimed in to relate his own body issues to the situation. "One of the things for me, when I was younger I had gained some weight in high school and had a lot of body image issues, and I would, like, watch MTV and be like I could never be that," he said. Yeah, um, mild chubbiness vs. life-threatening anorexia. I think Paula wins this round.

Actually, the real point of Zach's boring story was that he became comfortable in his own skin, and he hoped Paula would be able to also. Aww. How sweet. kjxcza;k.zcxjk ,m Sorry. I just instantly fell asleep on my keyboard.

During the next segment, Susie then delved into the world of boyfriends, but not before giving a random shout-out to Janelle's ex, Kasib. "Don't give him no shout out," Janelle said angrily. Bitch, you stay away from her man. She will claw your eyes out!

We then watched a clip package of the girls with their boys, and I was really eager to see whether or not they'd retread Svetlana's moment of crisis when she thought Martin might in fact be gay. Sadly, we didn't relive this moment, but we did later find out that she and Martin had broken up. Apparently he had been taking one too many fishing trips with his buddy Jack Twist, if you catch my hamhanded drift. When Susie asked why this seemingly perfect relationship had come to an end, Svetty said that she had been very "immature and selfless. Right now, it's all about me for once." Huh? Since when did "immature" and "selfless" go hand in hand? Nevertheless, I was really glad to hear that it was all gonna be about Svetlana now. She really didn't have enough attention before.

As for Janelle, she said that she and Kasib had been friends after the show, but now they don't talk. John then curiously noted, "She's moved onto greener pastures." And with that, he grabbed her hand, as if to announce something, but before anything could happen, Janelle firmly pushed him away. Methinks I smell a secret romance! Johnny Bananas had expressed amorous intentions towards her in the past!

Is love in the air?

Eh. Probably not.

But as fascinating as these relationships were (and boy were they fascinating), the real meat and potatoes were with Paula and Keith. She told Susie that she didn't know why everyone didn't want Keith in the house. Apparently she forgot about that whole "abuse" thing. Paula then discussed her recent arrest, saying that she had a lot of pent up anger that she assumed she had worked out, but nope, it was still there! Amusingly, as she cried (which she did throughout almost all of this show), John joked, "And now you look like your mugshot!" Nice mugshot zinger!

Best reunion ever!

Paula actually took the joke well and then described how happy she was now and how she and Keith were in couples counseling. She also noted that not every abusive relationship can be fixed with therapy, but she really felt that theirs was really working. However, Tyler then asserted that her relationship with Keith was a cycle of abuse and that he wanted to see her without him in her life. Wow! Tyler's first salient point in five episodes!

Luckily, before this segment became fatally dull, we switched topics and talked about the whole bra incident with Janelle. For those of you who don't remember, the hubbub began when the two were frolicking in the waves one night, celebrating the impending hurricane that would later nearly destroy their community. In a moment of horny glee, John pulled her top off, thus leading to anger and humiliation on Janelle's part. Luckily, the incident was resolved peacefully between the two of them, but apparently, what we didn't see was that Janelle threatened to kick John off the show unless he apologized. So you see, he didn't make amends because he genuinely felt awful about his behavior. He merely just didn't want his fame to end at the thirteen minute mark. Monsieur Bananas then told the audience, "What we could have used is some girls that like to get naked!" Yeah man! This whole sexual harassment thing sucks!

Susie then asked which guy had the most game, and immediately, everyone pointed at Zach. They all claimed that he would charm all the girls into thinking he was their best friend and then BAM! Next thing you know, they're shacking it up in the lair of the Jew-Fro (Hi Crystal). Susie was shocked at this development, saying, "There's like two sides of Zach!" And they're both BORING.

After the commercial break, our fearless moderator then asked the roomies if there was still any bad blood (um, did she even see the Tyler segment?). "I'm good friends with everybody right now," Jose said. Then again, who isn't Jose friendly with? Damn him and his very nice disposition!

Janelle 2.0 then said it was time for people to step up and take responsibility for behavior (hint hint, TYLER). Actually, Tyler did get the hint and brashly announced, "I'll say it! I'm a dick! Whatever, everyone thinks it!" Unfortunately, that's not really what Janelle was looking for. She told him in as many words that she wanted him to be contrite, instead of "Oh, I'm an asshole, I'm an asshole." Are you crazy, woman? You want Tyler to take actual, real responsibility for his actions? PLEASE. And I want to gallop down the 101 Freeway on a unicorn. Not gonna happen.

"Instead of owning that [the 'I'm an asshole' stance], own the fact that you'[ve learned something," she further added.

"Exactly. It was raw, and that's what the Real World is about," Tyler responded. So basically yeah, he wasn't going to own shit.

We then watched a sneak preview of next week's episode, The Shit They Should Have Shown. There was all sorts of fun stuff: a dead rat! Tyler farting! John getting arrested! Paula freaking out more! (How could they deny us even an ounce of Paula???). And here's something you probably didn't expect to see: John and Jose getting into cheerleading costumes. But even better, they got into cheerleading costumes and then like true cheerleaders, they got into a fight! Jose in a fight? Why deny us? Why deny us?

We also saw snippets of a prank that ended with Tyler saying, "There's a dead eel in my pillow." Not sure a more random sentence has been uttered on The Real World, and I'm certainly fascinated to know the background on that one.

When we returned to the studio, we learned that John and Tyler had a little prank war all season. It was mostly fun, silly stuff like John pouring ketchup on Tyler's pants, but apparently, Tyler had some massive prank that was so big, he wasn't going to reveal it until the reunion show. And what was that? He shaved his ass hair on John's pillow. Lovely! Kind of a harsh response to ketchup down the pants. Then again, the whole eel in the pillow is pretty bad too. Apparently Tyler had also taken all the hair from the bathroom drains around the house and stuck it in John's hat too. Delightful.

There was a brief intermission from the prank stories as John complained about Zach's hygiene, yelling that he was "washing his balls and his ass with MY LOOFAH!" And let's face it: no one wants Zach stank in their luffa. Then it was back to the pranks. You see, I was feeling badly for John having slept happily in a nest of Tyler's ass hair, but he had a nifty revenge. Apparently, the house all used the same set of nail clippers, and the little device just so happened to have a case that caught all the clippings. After a season's worth of clippings accumulated, including Zach's nasty yellow toe nails, John poured the nails in Tyler's pockets because evidently, Tyler loves to chew on old finger nails. Yes, people. Tyler chewed on an entire household's nail clippings -- including fungus-infected slabs from Zach. I'm not sure if it was better or worse than the ass-hair incident (probably worse), but man, was it nice to see Tyler duped.

What did you think about the reunion?

Posted by B-side at 12:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (27)

Well, it's a good thing I don't have a problem being wrong. Even more so, it's a good thing I don't have a problem being wrong on an epic, public scale. So without giving everything away before the jump (the picture and these last two sentences probably make that point moot), let's just say that I was kind of way off on the "who's going to live, who's going to die" bit" for Rescue Me. As a whole, while the devastating stuff was devastating, the humor they tried to intersperse with it was, in my opinion, slightly uneven and uncharacteristically over the top. Yes, I realize that this is a show that turned Sean into a zombie, had Tommy duct tape a chatty girl's mouth shut during sex, and lets CrazyTaty walk around un(der)medicated. But for some reason the humor in this episode seemed a little forced, and most shockingly of all, inappropriate. That sounded a little too much like a real review to me, so I'll leave you with this before the jump: Boobies. Cooter. PeePee. Doodoo. There. Back on Track.

So Johnny's dead. Dead, dead, dead. And now that I see through my denial, it makes sense. The guy took three slugs to the chest. There was no way he was coming out of it. That's too bad, and not because I liked Johnny (anyone whose familiar with this recap knows that I think Johnny is an omega-level deuchebag), but it's too bad for me, because that means somewhere out there, Capt. Jerry is still breathing. Snore.

The whole pre-credit sequence of this episode is awesome. Set to the song "Hell Is Around the Corner" by Tricky, we see everyone get the news about Johnny's passing. Tommy gets the call first; he handles it with eerie calmness, while in his car. I guess when you're Tommy Gavin, getting a phone call that person X in your life is dead has started to become old hat. Tommy goes to the morgue, identifies the body and starts the death phone chain, which is like the snow day phone chain, only much sadder. Say what we will about this fractured family unit, but the Gavins are tight in their own spouse raping, brother beating, drug inducing way. It's actually quite touching to see (the whole sequence is done with no dialogue) as the news travels to Cousin Mickey, Sheila, CrazyTaty, and finally, Janet and the girls. Again, it's no secret that Janet is not my favorite character on television, but FINE, you win Janet: I feel bad for you.

At the firehouse, the guys are clueless about Johnny. They are actually quite concerned about the fact that Capt. Jerry is two hours late, something which never happens. Tommy is also MIA, but I'm assuming that is a much more common occurence. Probie, the most lost of all without a clearly defined leader, asks Lou what he wants to do. Lou wants to eat donuts, watch Frankenstein, and let that lead to a jerk off session. I don't why but the random series of events of jerking off, eating donuts and Boris Karloff as Frankenstein is hysterical to me. Tommy, who is also finally comes in to tell the guys about Johnny. "They shot my brother." He has to go over to tell PopaBear in person; Johnny was his golden boy, and he might not take it so well. Lou volunteers to go with Tommy to lend a hand. Sean, recently freed from the chains that have the words Crazy and Taty etched into them, walks in to the room excited about the hot girl who just walked by with a massive rack. "It's like a double eclipse!" The guys ignore him and then tell Tommy that Captain Jerry is missing. Tommy makes some suggestions about where he might be. Lou also takes the reigns of the boys in the firehouse. You see! Lou's a natural leader! He needs Capt. Jerry's job. Lou and Tommy start to leave, when Sean comes in to complain about the "total eclipse" only being partial (they were fake), no one's paying any attention to him. "Who died?" Oh Sean!

Lou and Tommy are headed over to the evil vortex that holds Uncle Red and PopaBear. Tommy informs Lou that Johnny was going to testify in the Bronx (Damn you boogie down!) on a drug case. The guy on trial already has 2 strikes, and with Johnny's help a third strike will send him to jail for life. He didn't want that so, bang, bang, bang, Johnny's out of the picture. Johnny's partner didn't get a good look at the guy, so who knows if they'll even find him. Tommy thanks Lou for coming, but Lou is pretty smart: "Don't thank me yet." Yeah, things are going to get ugly at the evil vortex.

Uncle Red opens the door for Tommy and Lou: "He Ain't moving out!" The guys let themselves in, and tell PopaBear to sit down. PopaBear says no, but once he sees Tommy sit down, he realizes something is up. Uncle Red smartly goes to get the whiskey (they're gonna need it) and PopaBear asks what's wrong. Denis Leary is really great in this episode. You can see him hesitate for just a second, but then he just rips the Band-Aid off: "Johnny's dead." Poor PopaBear. He excuses him: "I'm going into the bathroom. Need a little privacy for a moment." It's absolutely heartbreaking.

The rest of the firehouse with a little help from their friends, are at Capt. Jerry's. No one is answering their knocks, and Capt. Jerry's car is around back. They debate over which window to break to get into the house, which is quite funny, because they base the decision on price. The $40 window (which is exactly what Capt. Jerry owes the Chief) gets broke and they head into the house to find Capt. Jerry on his stomach barely breathing.

PopaBear returns from the bathroom to set the ground rules for the funeral. No black, the only people who will be dressed dour will be Johnny's NYPD brethren who will come in their formal dress blues. Capt. Jerry wants bright colors, spring in bloom. A Target commercial. He wants to celebrate his son's life and how Johnny used to put a smile on PopaBear's face every time he used to walk into the room. Am I wrong or is that jealousy on Tommy's face?

You know, I don't consider myself an overly sensitive guy. Especially when watching television. I'm also not easily offended (I'm assuming that if you've been following any of my recaps, you'd have picked up on that). But this next scene with Uncle Teddy and his crazy wife in the conjugal visit trailer really kind of disgusted me. Uncle Teddy comes into the trailer like any other day of the week. No sense of gravity or of remorse. Nothing. So I assume he doesn't know about Johnny yet. His wife, Ellie, is in hysterics over the death of her nephew-in-law (whom she's never met). Sure, a little nutty, but sweet. Oh, so Uncle Teddy did know. He just doesn't care. Got it. Isn't this the same guy who murdered his great nephew's killer after a drinking and driving accident? A year later your nephew is gunned down in cold blood and you have zero reaction. Oh no, I'm sorry, not zero reaction. Apparently, murder is the ultimate aphrodisiac for Uncle Teddy, because he still wants to get it on. Dude, when Ellie, a woman who only marries guys who are in prison, calls you out on being a scumbag, that's pretty bad. Look, I get it; they needed something to break up all the wah wah wah. Fine. But to me this doesn't come off as funny, it comes off at cheap. Looking for laughs in something as horrible as the death of a sibling, is fine. Therapeutic even. But a show that is as smartly written as Rescue Me should rely on the interplay between characters for that levity, not cheap tricks like this. Uncle Teddy you have just replaced Johnny as the A#1 decuchebag on Rescue Me. Congratulations. Dick.

At the hospital, Capt. Jerry's doctor comes out and asks if the guys are family. They say yes and no, because you see they ARE his family - they're his brothers!!! - but not really, cause well, they're related to him at all. The doctor says that's all well and good and touching, but they're going to need next of kin. Capt. Jerry's suffered a major heart attack. They suddenly remember that Capt. Jerry's son is gay, not dead or in another dimension. The doctor says to get him down there because he might need to come down and sign some papers.

Lou is helping Tommy with casket shopping, which is probably way less fun then any other kind of shopping there is. The scene is funny as the casket salesman (imagine that was like your job title on your business cards. Downgrade.) tries to sell Lou on the Mercedes Benz of caskets, which runs about $15,000. Tommy tells him they'll take a wooden one ("The Honda Civic," Lou says). It's a perfect example of what I was just complaining about with Uncle Teddy. The dialogue of the characters helped lighten up a scene that is essentially the worst kind of trip to the mall ever. As they are finishing up with the salesman, they get the call about Capt. Jerry. They need to get in touch with Capt. Jerry's son. Tommy has the number and Lou gives him a call.

In the car back to the apartment, Tommy is feeling bad about giving Capt. Jerry the Viagra that started his fire pole but stopped his heart. Lou isn't so convinced it was Tommy's fault. Lou then starts debating with Tommy about whether or not he'd rather die burnt up in a fire or with a cock hard like shovel. Umm, how about neither? Sure cock like a shovel sounds appealing, but what if my parents or grandmother is the one to identify my body. Awkward.

When they get back to the apartment they start cleaning up the kitchen, while Tommy presses play on the answering machine. He gets a few inane messages (the guy coming to fix the wall, Sheila stalking - the usual). Then we hear Johnny's voice from beyond the grave. He calls once speaks for a second and hangs up. He calls back and leaves a longer message about being sorry and how bad things are between them. Johnny was starting to think that Janet was still in love with Tommy, and Johnny wants only what is good for Janet and the girls. He ends the call with: "I love you Tommy. I'm sorry." Ouch. Like big ouch. Like balls in a vice ouch.

Tommy is woken up the next morning by Lou who has Johnny's partner on the phone - they got the guy who killed Johnny. At the police station, Tommy is let into a room with no cameras and no two way mirror for ten minutes alone with his brother's murderer. It's all very NYPD Blue, but I like it none the less. You expect Tommy to go full-on apeshit on this guy, but you know he won't because, well, that's what you expect. Tommy uncuffs the young black kid and asks him how much they paid him to kill Johnny. $8,000. Wow, they got you on the cheap, dumbass. Last time I worked as an assassin I demanded at least 5 figures, a car and Angelina Jolie's direct phone number. I guess I'm just a better negotiator. Tommy does some quick math: Johnny was 41 years old, divide that by $8,000 and you have about $200 per year. It's actually $195.12195, but no one likes a smart ass, right? Tommy's got $77 in his pocket plus a subway token. What subway are you riding that you even have a subway token, Tommy? How much time will that get him? Tommy makes fun of the kid for doing the wrong math, and then for some reason the subject is dropped. I can't tell if it's a tactic by the writer's to show that Tommy doesn't really know what he's doing or saying or just lazy writing. But who cares because here comes the beating we all want. Tommy tells the kid to get up put his hands on the table, spread his legs and stick his ass in the air. Somewhere, Probie just messed his pants. I swear, for a second I really though that Tommy was going to... well... you know... introduce this kid to Tommy's little fire engine that could. Please stranger things have happened on this show. Or maybe he was going to start looking for a plunger or a midget or something. But he just tells him to get used to that position, bitch. It's all kind of... anticlimactic. Telling the guy who killed your brother that he's going to get ass raped in prison? Isn't that like telling Mel Gibson he's going to get booed at a Jewish Pride Parade? I wanted more from the barbaric Tommy. Or at least from the clever Tommy.

Uncle Teddy is meeting with his lawyer. He wants out of prison ASAP. His wife is nuts and once he gets out of the clink she'll lost all interest in him.

Sean and Probie are out at a bar, and Sean is complaining that Probie can hit on every guy AND girl in the place. Wait? Probie's bi now? In case Sean's comments weren't enough, Probie's buttoned down to his navel shirt really let's you in on it. There is a hot girl and guy over at the bar, and Probie goes over to talk to him, because, you know, he's bi now. He loves cock! And beaver! Until next week, when he only has sex with carnies and drag queens named, Sapphire. Retarded. While Probie is over macking on some PAGINA, Sean calls CrazyTaty to see how she's doing. The conversation obviously doesn't go well. CrazyTaty tells Sean never to call her again. Alas, I think prediction number two from last week, the demise of Sean & CrazyTaty, was also wrong. Probie comes back looking for hugs and hi-fives from Sean, because the hot couple wasn't a couple at all, they were brother and sister and the brother was gay! Probie just won the BI-lottery! Does Probie know that in order to be bisexual, he probably will have to, you know, go downtown every once in a while. Otherwise, I think they take your joint discount card to Banana Republic and The Sports Authority away.

Franco and Natalie are all snuggle bunnies, when she decides it's time to leave. Franco needs to hit the books if he's going to pass that Lieutenant's exam. Oh, and she calls him Pillow Lips, which is so cute I actually have to drown a basket of kittens to make my self feel better. As Natalie leaves the bedroom she stops into Keela's old room and notices a picture of her. She brings it back into the bed with Franco, and I pretty much assume she's going to put it on the night stand, thus catapulting Franco to start making Keela a part of his life again. I then realize that I should no longer make any guesses about what happens on television shows because it seems I'm always wrong. Natalie shows the picture to Franco, and puts a picture of herself next to it, saying "Am I crazy?" The similarity is really uncanny. Long lost sister alert (read previous comment about not making guesses anymore)!

At the hospital Capt. Jerry finally wakes up. He has no idea where he is, but his gay son is right there next to him. Reunion! Sniff, sniff. Do I smell a little eharmony for Probie?

Janet and Tommy are at the funeral home, looking down at Johnny lying in his dress blues. Janet is a mess, remembering how much she always loved him in his uniform. Umm, inappropriate Janet! Inappropriate!

Lou is waiting in the lobby, talking to Sister Skanky Teressa on the phone, the nun he hooked up with last week, who is leaving her convent for greener pastures, and more dick. She's in for the move to the boat with Lou! They're both really excited ("Can we get a dog?"), and I don't know how it will pan out, but I think that it feels about right for Lou to finally find happiness with an ex-nun living on a boat. A real nun walks by Sister Skanky, and she gets off the phone abruptly and does a few Hail Mary's. Oh Sister Skanky, to quote the immortal JoJo: "It's too little... too late."

Tommy is now standing at Johnny's casket. He tells him that he could always make him laugh. Am I missing something? Did I miss the episode where Johnny was funny? (okay, wanting to name his kid Joe Montana Gavin was kind of funny). Tommy starts reminiscing about old times, his nickname, Tommy Gun, and Johnny's, Johnny Boy (so what? The Gavins weren't the most creative kids on the block - they could still kick your ass). Tommy apologizes to Johnny for what he's done to him, and tells him that he called him to make peace after the brawl they had over Janet. Tommy just hopes that Johnny got his message. Wait, I don't remember that phone call? Is Tommy lying? Johnny sure seems to think so, because he opens his eyes, causing Tommy to slam shut the casket on his fingers. Sucks seeing dead people. Sometimes you close caskets on your hand; sometimes you get picked up by the cops for drinking too much and having pot.

DO WE ALL TURN INTO T-1000 WHEN WE DIE?

Franco is at his apartment pretending not to be freaked out that his been doing the dirrrrty dirrrrrrty with his daughter's older doppelganger. Natalie is leaving the apartment, telling him he needs to figure out the women in his life. Franco says he's got it figured out. He can't stop thinking about Natalie, he loves her. It's actually kind of sweet, whatever, especially since the last chick we saw Franco with was Susan Sarandon, who ended up kidnapping his daughter. Natalie is visibly touched, and admits that he's certainly got her figured out, but needs to figure things out with Keela. I hope this doesn't end Franco and Natalie's relationship. I've grown fond of her and Richard the Retard.

HEY FRANCO, REMEMBER WHEN YOU HAD SEX WITH A GIRL THAT LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE YOUR DAUGHTER? WEIRD.

Tommy, Janet and Lou have picked up Johnny's personal affects, including his cell phone. They all listen to Johnny's message from Tommy, which it seems Johnny never heard. Now did Johnny never hear it because Tommy just sent it from the bathroom? Or because he legitimately was busy getting shot and killed? I really hope, for the sake of Tommy Gavin's immortal soul that he isn't lying. I don't see what would be his motivation (winning Janet back?), and I really think that would be the bottom of the barrel for Tommy. Helping out this theory (again, which will, I'm sure, prove to be wrong wrong wrong), is the fact that the message is mostly about how much he still loves Janet.

At the funeral they are playing bagpipes which always kill me because they make me think of my cousin's funeral. No, he's not dead or anywhere near it, but I know he'll want bagpipes at his funeral. Tear. As per PopaBear's request everyone looks like they are headed for a kegger at the beach, rather than a funeral. Tommy starts seeing dead people all around him, like his fallen firefighter brothers. I wonder if Johnny is going to be one of the recurring dead characters that Tommy keeps seeing? I think that's probably a smart idea; they have some issues they still could work through, even in death. But most heartbreaking of all is that he sees his cousin Jimmy and a few seconds later, his son Connor. I don't know why, but cousin Jimmy whispering something to Connor, seemed particularly devastating to me.

I can't believe who showed up! Rosemary! Wait. Who? You know, Rosemary, the long lost deaf/mute sister that PopaBear and MamaBear Gavin had locked away in a home so she wouldn't embarrass the family. You know that sister that was mute but regained the use of her vocal chords that Tommy, CrazyTaty and Johnny didn't even know about until a few years ago? You know, Rosemary. No? Okay, good. Me neither. Do we even know that Rosemary existed? I don't have any recollection of her whatsoever. Rosemary is here, feeling good and looking great. She even makes up with PopaBear, who apologizes for locking her away for being deaf. Yeah, I guess that is pretty harsh. Oh also, where's Angie? Come on, she wouldn't show up for her ex-husband's tragic death? You sign Marisa Tomei for 3 episodes at least make one of them the funeral episode.

HEY LOOK! IT'S COUSIN OLIVER!

Regardless, the best part of this is whole thing is that Sean knows how to sign (his grandmother was deaf), which is just plain funny to me. The guy can barely tie his shoes without reciting a nursery rhyme about a bunny and a loop, but he can speak sign language. I'm not the only one who finds this endearing, CrazyTaty totally swoons. She pays off the priest who just BURIED HER BROTHER (in a really amusing bit about how sacred vows really mean cold hard cash to most priests) to marry Sean and CrazyTaty right there. Again, I realize that we're trying to lighten things up, and also, probably not trying to repeat what went on last year with Connor's death, but isn't this, I don't know, too much? I mean, your brother is not even lowered into the ground yet. Sure the Gavins are a whacky crew, but I think they have more respect for life and death than this.

Either way, CrazyTaty and Sean do get hitched - with only one hiccup, a guy visiting his dead mother. "Can you move? You're standing on my mother." The wedding moves ten feet to the left, and the dumbest guy in New York finally marries the craziest lady in the world. Huzzah! Oh, I do love that they are announced as Mr. & Mrs. Gavity.

Back at Tommy's apartment the word Irish Wake gets a revamp. It's a party, y'all! I think DJ Clue is even spinning. I don't really get it, we Armenians really enjoy wallowing. Sure we like to drink our sorrows away too, but we're a black for 40 days kind of culture, so the music and dancing is kind of lost on me. Tommy takes some time to speak with his deaf, no longer mute sister, who is just plain old amazing. Not only because she appeared out of nowhere, but because she can understand what Tommy is saying perfectly despite being deaf, without Tommy signing or looking at her straight-on so she can read his lips. She tells him that she's happy out in California. Got a great boyfriend, great job, great sex. It's all about happiness. That's what matters. Happiness. Tommy is touched, and he should be. He's the one who gave her that speech in the first place years ago.

Sheila comes up to Tommy, and despite the whole funeral thing, she's got great news: She bought the house! The house they are going to runaway to! Everyone has a lot of exciting announcements on the DAY THAT JOHNNY DIED!!! Tommy and Sheila take this into the other room but behind Door #1 is:

WOW, WHAT COULD BE MORE AWKWARD THAN WALKING IN ON THIS?

And then even worse behind Door #2:

OH. MY BAD.

Tommy tells Sheila that he's been thinking about it and... he's leaving the FDNY. Jackpot behind Door #3:

Tommy leaving the FDNY? I don't know about that. With Johnny dead and a baby on the way for Janet, it looks more like reconciliation time for those two, and another dead end for Sheila. Also, what do you think about the message Tommy left for Johnny? Legit? Or eternal damnation?

Posted by Umnata at 11:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Only one more episode to go before the finale of The 4400 and while I thought the season started out kind of slowly, things have really picked up. My main complaint with this season is that it feels like nothing is happening, even though there is a lot going on. Now that Jordan Collier is back in the picture, I don't think I'l be complaining about that any more. If nothing else, Jordan is a man of action. Sure you have to listen to him talk about how great his action is going to be, but when he has his mind set on something, it's going to happen. We aren't positive what he has his sights set on at the moment, but whatever it is, it's going to happen soon.

I know that Jordan Collier fancies himself a nouveau messiah, but you would think that after the last resurrection of the person with initials of JC people would have learned a few things. For instance, why not cut your hair? People have had a few thousand years to study this, so why must all resurrections begin with somebody who looks like a backup singer for Lynyrd Skynyrd? You can't blame the first JC for his look, but JC 2006 should know better. Who wants to go on the talk show circuit looking like they were homeless?

And by the way, I have another reason to strive for the life of a billionaire industrialist: you can go around telling everybody that civilization is on the verge of apocalypse, but instead of putting you in a mental institution, you get to do the talk show circuit. Haven't these folks learned anything? Jordan decided on the big media push because he wants to make sure that everybody knows that the 4400 are not a danger. When he first came back, he treated the 4400 center and all of the returnees as sort of this exclusive club. The 4400s were supposed to save the world, and only 4400s could save the world.

Nowadays, Jordan realizes that saving the world is a lot of work. He talks about the war of the future being fought in the past, but it's not about 4400s and non-4400s, it's all about good vs. evil. He says that many people have made sacrifices and more sacrifices will be necessary. What are they fighting for? Well, only the fate of mankind.

While all of this is going on, we cut to a shot of NTAC. It looks like everybody is slumped over their desks, and downstairs; it looks like all of the people in custody have escaped. Minutes later we see that the people in NTAC were sleeping, and haven't been harmed, but the loss of all of those prisoners really is troubling. Among them were several members of the NOVA group, and if they were killers before, what is going to stop them now? They obviously have a lot of scores to settle and Shawn, Dennis Ryland, Kyle, and Alana could all be targets.

As a courtesy, Tom and Diana visit Dennis Ryland to tell him that his life may be in danger, and offer their protection. Ryland is a jackass, but when he laughs at the thought of NTAC protecting him, he does have a point. When the NOVA group first tried to kill Ryland, NTAC was charged with protecting him, and the NOVA group still had a couple of pretty good attempts at his life. Besides, he now has his own security, but seriously, what kind of army does he have that will protect him from the NOVA group? Haspell might be a little more secure, but whoever beat NTAC security can get past a bunch of mercenary lackeys, don't you think? Well, if one of those mercenary lackeys were named Isabelle Tyler, I would have to give a slight edge to Dennis Ryland. While NTAC has a poor record against the NOVA group, Isabelle is batting a thousand.

As soon as Tom Isabelle, he told Shawn, and Shawn told Richard. Shawn and Richard have been struggling to figure out their roles after Collier's return, and while they were happy with the tough stance he took with Isabelle, Shawn didn't think that sending her away only to have her land in the hands of Haspell Corporation was going to help anybody. Richard, on the other hand, wasn't so sure. He said that he has always tried to see something good in Isabelle, and now thought that maybe he was just wasting his time. Even when she was a baby he gave her trouble, and he realizes that maybe that human part of her he has been looking for just never existed.

Last time, I mentioned how Diana started sneaking around behind her sister's back with her sister's old boyfriend. Of all the things that have been making sense about this show, this relationship is not one of them. Anyway, I speculated that it would only be a matter of time before April realized that Diana was dating her boyfriend, but I was wrong. I thought April had some street smarts, but apparently she is just an idiot. Luckily, Maia is too young to realize that it's not a good idea to tell aunt April that mommy found the right man, because it allows me to skip a bunch of this worthless story line and focus on the rest. Anyway, after coming home to find April crying in her closet, Diana tells her sister that they never planned this. After complaining that she just couldn't find guys who would cared about anything more than banging her and taking her to the fetish ball, April acts like a complete wuss and just forgives her sister saying that she can't hate Diana because she's busy hating herself. What the hell? If you are going to create a stupid love triangle, the least you can do is give the viewers a stupid catfight! But we got nothing. The only thing April destroyed was a box of tissues. Totally weak.

Richard and Shawn decide that they have to tell Jordan Collier, but when the two of them reach his office and tell him what's going on, it seems like he really doesn't care. Hey, I know that the most powerful person on the planet getting a job with a person who wants to kill off the 4400 is bad news, but Jordan is a busy man as well. When Shawn and Richard walked into his office, it looks like he was doing a little "personal consultation" with Devon, the hottie Brunette head usher of the 4400 center. Back when Jordan was using his power to get lots of women, Devon was among the notches on his bedpost, but on closer inspection, it wasn't really Devon. It was our favorite shape shifting 4400, Boyd Gelder.

If you didn't realize it right away, Jordan Collier explained everything. Yes, he was the one that sprung all of those dudes at NTAC and no, it doesn't matter that the NOVA group has at several times in their history wanted to kill members of the 4400. The most important thing is that the NOVA group doesn't consider anybody at the 4400 center their enemy anymore, including Shawn, who ratted them out. While Shawn still thinks it's wrong to aid and abet terrorists, Jordan believes that the NOVA group was only playing their part in a greater struggle. When it comes to the larger conflict on their hands, you know, the one for all of humanity, the NOVA group would be an important ally. Shawn tries to protest, but Shawn's biggest ally, Richard, actually agrees with Collier.

While Shawn contemplates his options, Diana and Tom head straight for Ryland's little compound to tell him that he should really think about his security. They want him to move his operation, but Ryland really isn't scared. He promised the government genetically enhanced troops, and he is going to give them those genetically enhanced troops if it kills them. Ryland, having already survived two assassination attempts, doesn't really care about others lives. The name of his game is results, and with Isabelle he is going to get those results. However, just in case things do go badly, he decides to maximize the promicin in the hopes of more soldiers gaining abilities in as little as two days.

Tom comes home, where Alana has decided that she has no reason to fear the government coming after her and has moved in, which is nice because Kyle is back and Alana, who is not only gorgeous and smart, but a great cook as well, give the house a woman's touch that is sorely needed when Tom and Kyle are under the same roof. And what about Kyle? Well, he was getting whiny about how his life will never be normal because people will always remember him as the person who killed Jordan Collier, but he no longer has a problem with any of that.

Kyle was worried he never would be able to get out of the house due to tall of the reporters in blocking his way out, but Alana helped distract them (with cookies in case you had other dirty thoughts in your mind), and Kyle went to visit Shawn. By the way, why is it that people always tell folks who have just been in prison that they look great? Shawn told Kyle he looks great, but if Kyle had to explain that he looks good because everybody in the house called him "Sugar", maybe that question never gets asked. Small talk with Shawn is great, but Kyle really wanted to see Jordan. I always wondered why Jordan wanted to help Kyle. Sure Kyle didn't kill him, but wasn't he worried that Kyle might snap out of his normalcy and try to kill him again. We know from last year's finale that Shawn snowballed the bad out of Kyle, but Jordan doesn't.

Jordan did meet with Kyle, and once again gave his long speech about his death having to happen, and how Kyle made sacrifices, and how he doesn't know how important he is in the grand scheme of thing. It sounds kind of cheesy, but is exactly what Kyle had to hear. Jordan must have inspired Kyle, because the next time we see him, he isn't sporting his usual Neo-grunge wear, but has picked up some clothes from that store that supplies Shawn with all of his shirts and skinny pants. Of course his dad is upset to learn that his son is working for Collier, but thankfully they spared us the "I've already lost you once! I don't want to lose you again!" type of Emmy-baiting speech. Instead, Kyle leaves relatively quietly and says that he knows what his purpose is, and he is going to follow in his father's footsteps, doing whatever it takes to help the 4400. Awww.

While Jordan had some big plans for Kyle, he had some even bigger plans for other members of the 4400. Tom had learned from Alana that one of her students at the center had the ability to raise and lower body temperatures. The next day, he and Diana poke around the center and ask Shawn a few questions. He doesn't know about this Michael kid, but he decides to ask Jordan. Jordan knows all about Michael, the reason they were able to get into NTAC and get everybody out without loss of life is because Michael can lower body temperatures, putting people into a sort of instant hibernation. Shawn is appalled the Jordan would use a teenage in any of his plans, but you have to admit, if the options are kill a bunch of people to get past security, or put them all to sleep, putting them to sleep is a good option.

As disturbing as all of that is to Shawn, what he hears next is even worse. Jordan tells him about the big plan that he is devising that needed all of those people from the NOVA group; an attack on Ryland's base where he is experimenting on all of the soldiers. This nearly sends Shawn over the edge, and he decides that he must tell Tom and Diana.

As Shawn is putting on his narc cap for the second time this season, Jordan is using another 4400 to find Dr. Berkhoff and Tess. He finds the two of them in a remote part of Washington, trying to convince people to take pictures of a big tree stump. No seriously, I only wish that was a joke. I applaud Kevin and Tess for trying to start a life without distractions from the outside, and hey, the last place corporate mercenaries would look for a great scientist is working at a gas station. That being said, the least time we saw them, Berkhoff was still nuts about his research, so why did he change his mind all of a sudden? Unfortunately, the producers don't tell us. The only thing we see is Jordan pulling up to them in a limo taking the two of them away without much of a fight.

When Shawn informed NTAC of Jordan's plans, they immediately went to ask him questions. Collier denied everything, saying that only a psychopath would declare war on the US Government. Well, one could say that only a psychopath would travel around the country preaching to the homeless saying he has had visions of the future, but again, since Collier is rich, everybody seems to have given him a free pass. When Shawn says that it is all a lie, Jordan explained that he said all those things as test of loyalty. He wanted to know who he could trust, and who would run off and tell people about his plans. But what about Boyd Gelder? The government wants him, Shawn saw him in Jordan's office, and Richard was there to witness it. Unfortunately, right when Shawn needed Ricahrd the most, Richard denied ever seeing Boyd Gelder. Shawn is left hanging, and Diana and Tom have to leave.

Although there is not enough evidence to put Collier in custody, there is enough probably cause that they decide they should tell Ryland. Ryland is still not scared, and actually hopes that the 4400 attack. If the 4400 come after the government, that will prove who the real enemy is, and Ryland wants to be at ground zero to defend the human race.

Meanwhile, back at the 4400 center, Jordan is having a few words with Shawn. It's always tough when your protégé betrays you, and Shawn is just as upset at Jordan for continuing trying to manipulate him instead of treating him with respects. I thought that Shawn's transgressions would be enough to get him kicked out, but if Jordan can forgive the guy who tried to kill him, he can also forgive Shawn, even after Shawn says that Jordan has a messiah complex and it's gone to his head. Jordan laughs that off and says he is more like John Brown, the man who worked so hard to free slaves. When Shawn says that John Brown died for his beliefs, Jordan reminds him that he already died once. I guess that means he's going to take those odds.

Ryland may have acted like he was invincible with Diana and tom, but in reality, he was scared enough that he decided to move all of the promicin out of Haspell corporation, or so we think. This is the first time we saw it, but when the security camera panned by Ryland, what we actually saw was Boyd Gelder. Oh Collier, you genius! While Ryland had everything at the base fortified, Collier went deep into the belly of Haspell Corporation and took all of the promicin right from under their noses. Not one person was hurt, and if Ryland is going to build his army, he basically will have to start all over again.

The real Ryland, of course, is pissed, but Collier has been one step ahead. But the big thing, of course, is trying to figure out what is next on Collier's to-do list. He has a warehouse full of a promicin, so is he going to destroy it? No, he is going to give it away. To who, you ask? To everybody. Wow, you have to admit that is a bold move. This stuff might kill people, and will surely make some people go crazy, but if you thought you might learn how to heal people, control their minds, read their minds, tell the future, or any of the thousands of other 4400 abilities, wouldn't you take a few weeks off of work to try it? And what is the government going to do? Promicin is not illegal, and even if it is illegal, we've all seen how effective the so-called war on drugs has been. How will a war on promicin be any lmore effective?

Now admittedly, there are some problems with the way Jordan is handling things. Who guarantees that the people getting the promicin want to help the human race and aren't simply interested in getting rich quickly? And Ryland still has Isabelle, so his army may still become strong and powerful; it might just take a little more time. That being said, it sets up for a very interesting season finale this week.

What did you think of the episode? Is Jordan smart for giving away the Promicin

Posted by J-Unit at 10:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Forget who got voted out tonight. Forget who won HOH. Forget pretty much any relevant development inside the Big Brother house. Tonight's live eviction was about one thing and one thing only: BUT FIRST. Yes, what started out as a dorky observation between J-Unit and me four years ago has blossomed into a full-fledged entry in the Big Brother history books. It's days like this when being a blogger no longer feels like the silliest occupation at the cocktail party. We're shaping pop culture, dammit, and now the indelible mark of TVgasm has made its way onto primetime television. If you don't know what I'm talking about, don't worry. I'll explain all. In the meantime, I've been writing this opening paragraph with restrained prose in an attempt to sound collected and perhaps even academic. Screw that. We all know what I really want to say:

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT.

OMG OMG OMG OMG

RANDOM LETTERS! asdlkfja;sdiufa;elskja;sldfja;lsdkjf!~!!!!

EXCITEMENT!!!

Okay, I've contained myself. For now. Let's not put the cart in front of the horse. Before we can get to the HOH competition, we have to start back in the beginning of the hour and relive all the glory that was tonight's eviction episode. Things started off on a puffy, metallic note as the Chenbot came to us wearing what seemed to be parachute pants made from a tin foil/nylon mixture. I didn't know what was up with the pants except that they were wide, flappy, and probably not the most flattering things we've seen on poor Julie. Basically, it was like some Project Runway experiment gone wrong and shiny.

Julie wasn't the only one suffering from sartorial malaise. The normally sharp Janelle appeared to be wearing an astroturf cravate. Or perhaps it was some sort of bib made from overgrown moss. Either way, she looked like the bizarre love child of a femme-bot and a topiary. Poor choice.

Of course, rounding out the night's fashion missteps was Chicken George, who again was sporting his dumb sombrero and chicken necklace. Then again, saying George has a fashion faux-pas is kind of like announcing that a fish can swim. Some things are just expected. Perhaps the biggest surprise of the night was that Boogie was looking quite dapper in his outfit. Gone were the arm bands and wrist bands and orange hats and silly props that had previously caused our eyes to burn like a thousand pyres. Instead, he wore a classy black button down with an accompanying blazer. He looked almost.... normal!

But enough about the clothes. We had business to attend to, starting off with Julie who spoke her first "But First!" of the night. Yay! Little did we know that this was the beginning of something spectacular tonight. The Chenbot then noted that James was trusting Boogie and Will to get him through tonight. "Is James about to become another Howie?" she then asked. Um, without even seeing the rest of the episode, we knew the answer: YES. And he was gonna be such a bitch about it too. I couldn't wait.

We then returned to the house just after the veto ceremony as Chicken George and James reacted to their nominations. "I'm not going to run around here and campaign for votes," George said. "What I'm going to do is run around here and be my normal everday self!" So basically, he was gonna nap on the couches, emit slop farts, and spend the rest of the time trying to create a homemade decongestant.

Meanwhile, James got to work securing his stay in the house. His biggest ally, Danielle, was nervous that Chill Town might be wavering. She just had a sense; so she headed outside and talked to Will. The good doctor said he was worried about James and his allegiances. "I just think we need to keep the lines of communication open," Will said. This of course made me laugh because if there was anyone who was keeping the household in the dark, it was Chill Town. Ah, irony. Why are you such a delicious beast?

Will then told Danielle that he thought James was "double-dipping" with the alliances, and almost as if on command, out stepped James, ready to BBQ up some food. It seemed like a benign move on his part, but it should be noted that later, James encountered a flare up on the grill, which resulted in him spending the next three hours trying to get the barbecue evicted.

Luckily, Danielle was starting to see the writing on the wall with Will. She knew that this whole discussion about the double dipping was his "way of giving me a hint that he may do something to change the game. If Boogie and Will pull something, and James walks out the door, God help them." This was gonna turn so nasty. I couldn't wait.

Danielle then talked with Erika about their choices, and unsurprisingly Erika was not so hot on James. But then again, she told us, "It's very scary keeping George in the game because you don't know what he's going to do." But aren't you supposed to be in an alliance with him? Oh, that's right. Everyone made a phony deal with George last week. And he ousted the one guy who was sincere with him. Funny how this game works.

Later, we found Danielle and Janelle sitting outside, and already, I was incredibly excited. I knew both women were unhappy with Chill Town, and if they were to join forces -- the two sharpest, strongest women in Big Brother history -- then they would be a dynamo to be reckoned with. Sure enough, Danielle asked, "So Janelle, do you want to call a truce?" Yes! Yes! Yes! The women agreed on a one week truce, and Janelle told us, "If I've learned anything in this game, it's like, you know, be honeset to the people that are trying to be honest with you, and lie to the enemy." This is in strict opposition to Kaysar's previously reigning plan: be honest with the enemy, and lie with the people who are trying to be honest with you. Oh, and pretend the biggest threat in the house isn't a threat at all.

For her part, Danielle said that if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. She then told Janelle that she knows who the real floaters are in the house, which was kind of her way of saying she wanted to go after Chill Town. I never really thought of it before, but truthfully, after all this talk about going after floaters, who were the biggest floaters of all? Chill Town! Ugh. I can't even think back to when season six had power. It hurts my brain. Thank goodness our old Janey is back and in fine form (I think).

Anyway, Danielle ominously told Janelle, "I'll take care of some things when I'm HOH, and you'll take care of some things when you're HOH." And yes, I was loving this. At this point, these two should have simply made a pact to take each other to the end: the most unlikely allies.

Later, James approached Janelle while she was uncharacteristically reading the bible. They talked about how there's always a rift between them (that'll happen when you both back stab each other!), and then they got down to business. Janelle said that she was gonna vote to keep James, which was nice and all, but we all remember Tuesday's episode. She was ready to kick him out. Ever since Janey found out from George that James had been gunning for her, she'd been looking for quiet revenge.

Outside, James approached Will to make sure that he was indeed protected by the Legion of Doom. "So everything's still going? I'm not going to be a Howie?" James asked. Yeah, you probably will be Howie 2.0. I mean, no, you're safe! Totally safe!

Of course, Will said yes yes, James was safe, but then he went up to Danielle and told her he wasn't sure about James. "Listen, I'm not going to do something we don't discuss," he said, lying happily through his pearly whites. Meanwhile, in the diary room, a teary-eyed, messy Danielle insisted, "He cannot walk out this door!" CBS was so setting us up for a massive James debacle, and I loved it.

After all this lying and scheming, Will then returned to the HOH room where he checked in with his loyal sidekick, Boogie. The doctor noted that after tonight, there was no turning back. They had to get rid of James because if he stayed, he was coming after them next. On the flip side, he knew that Danielle had to be okay with this, otherwise she was gonna come after them. Looks like the Legion Of Doom was about to get real nasty, real quickly. Just the way we like it.

At this point, Julie returned to us and began talking to the house guests. She asked Boogie about Howie's grandiose departure, and he replied, "If I sold light sabers for a living, I'd be angry too." Well played! It's amazing how funny someone can be once you take off their thirty-five arm bands and oversized basketball jerseys.

We then went to commercial, and when we returned, it was time for our first visit to the sequester house this season. Yay! And when I say "sequester house," I mean "beautiful, palatial, heavenly sequester house." That is, unless you're Marcellas, in which case the house may as well have been a condemned tenement in Spanish Harlem. The man was not happy in surroundings. "Welcome to my banishment," he said. "My own personal hell. This is the worst experience of my life." He then walked by a gorgeous infinity pool, and just as I was vicariously gushing over it from my couch, he scoffed, "I can only imagine how annoying these idiots are going to be with an infinity pool." Now here's a little TVgasm inside track information (don't get too excited. I didn't say this was useful info, just inside). As avid readers may remember, just prior to the beginning of this season, I actually ran into Marcellas, and he told me that the one thing he dreaded was being in the sequester house, especially if he were to be the first one in. The prospect of pointless, endless weeks without the creature comforts of a phone and internet was understandably his worst nightmare. So, yeah, sucks that it came true. Hahaha (sorry Marcellas. But it is funny).

The good news was that Marcellas was going to try to embrace his surroundings, and he even said he was looking forward to spending an entire week alone. His only hope was that Howie would not be the next person to enter the house. "Howie walking through this door a week from today would be my absolute nightmare," he said. Well, Howie joining him in seven days from now was the absolute nightmare, how did he feel about Howie joining him in twenty-four hours instead? Because that's what happened. This odd couple was begrudgingly reunited (I believe Marcellas's exact words upon hearing Howie's voice were, "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"), and soon the fun times were rollin'.

Talk about bad housecalls...

"As much as I ripped on him, threatened him, hated him, trashed him, bashed him, and evicted his fat ass last week, Marcy's not a bad guy at all," Howie said. Well, he's no Busto. That's for sure. The two then cozied up with a DVD of the latest action (good to see they've upgraded from the standard VHS tape), and Marcellas watched in shock as George nominated James and Erika. Howie, meanwhile, took this time to eviscerate his fellow cast members. "Erika, she is disgusting looking on television. Will is the ugliest guy I've ever seen," he said before Marcellas chided him for being a bully and attacking people based solely on their physical descriptions. Of course, I'm sure Howie wouldn't like to hear the kind words we here on the internet have been saying about his impressive physique this summer. I think the words "manboobs" and "human beanbag" may or may not have been used.

Marcellas then balked during the Veto Ceremony when George replaced James with Howie. "Everybody's been playing stupid all season. This is just another example of that," Marcellas said. And don't we know it, Marcellas. At least you had the power to effect change in people's games (theoretically). We just have to sit here and watch one mistake after another, week after week. It's torture, I tell you! Torture!

Anyway, we then watched as Howie babbled inane comments and the producers ran the same footage of Marcellas turning his head and glaring over and over and over again. Eventually, Marcellas barked, "Stop calling me Marcy. I don't like it. We're not in the house anymore. I don't have to be nice to you. My name is Marcellas." To which Howie replied, "Sorry, Marjealous." When did Big Brother turn into a cheesy '80s sitcom? I half expected some canned laughter to play on the soundtrack, followed by Kristy McNichol storming in with flour all over her face and saying, "Don't even ask!!!"

After the commercial, we then watched a segment about Chill Town and their women, which meant we got to see the highly disturbing image of Boogie and Erika swapping spit in the bathtub. I don't know if anyone's ever seen the movie Microcosmos, but there's a scene in there that shows two snails having sex. It's gross, slimy, and generally awful. This was worse.

Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ewww.

Meanwhile, Janelle and Will were getting pretty close as they engaged in their highly effective cardio routine: walking-across-the-lawn-and-then-back-again. It was almost as amusing as my other favorite Big Brother fitness effort: swimming laps in the kiddie pool. Anyway, with both guys growing close to these ladies, a strategy needed to be formed. "You're gonna showmance Erika. I'm gonna showmance Janelle," Will said, thus introducing the use of "showmance" as a verb. The real question for Chill Town was which showmance-target should come into the fold? Boogie trusted Erika, Will trusted Janelle, and neither trusted each other's girls. But seriously. Did Boogie really think he could bring his woman into Chill Town over Will's? He's the sidekick! The second fiddle! The Corolla to Will's Camry! No sidekick can ever outrank the Master.

Still, that didn't stop Boogie from having major doubts. "It is very possible that Janelle is setting up a master play to come after Chill Town," he said, adding, "If she touches one of my headbands, I'll kill her! I'll fucking KILL HER!!!"

Will, meanwhile, returned to his Beatles analogy and told Boogie, "We're the Beatles. You're John Lennon. I'm Paul McCartney. This week, we're bringing Yoko into the Beatles. We just have to figure out who Yoko is." He then went on to call James Ringo Star and Chicken George, well, some wayward member of the Monkeys. So where did this leave Danielle? I'd like to think she was Jefferson Airplane, specifically, Grace Slick.

We then returned to the studio where the Chenbot questioned Mike in his HOH room. She wanted to know where he stood with the ladies, and he replied, "Will and I launched Operation Double Date with Erika and Janelle." He then went on to say that he was going to keep Janelle in the house a little longer, if only to make sure her target outshines theirs. Julie then asked Boogie if Will felt the same way, and he guffawed excitedly, "OH YEAH! It was Will's idea!" REALLY??? He then added, "I love being his sidekick! Isn't he so dreamy, Julie?"

Ah, but not everything was perfect in Chill Town paradise. Mike noted that in season two, Will chose money over their friendship, and Boogie was willing to return the favor this time around also. However, he did want both of them to make it to the top (seriously, no sidekick can ever truly sell out his Master like that).

After the interview, the Chenbot dazzled us with another "BUT FIRST!", and then we headed into the diary room where the house guests contemplated who to send home. Most notable was Erika who looked like she'd just spent the past three days sleeping on Hollywood Boulevard.

Danielle, meanwhile, was about to lose all her marbles about James. She threatened Chill Town, saying, "Do not do this to me because I will get rid of them one by one. Mark my words!!!" There's nothing better than a player scorned, and I could only hope this episode would wind up with Danielle on a tear for vengeance.

When we returned from the next commercial break, Julie told the house guests that the secret power had expired (much like her 30 Day Trial Period of Adobe Chenbotshop v.3.0.1). We then had some final words from our nominees, starting with James who said, "Some people are here to play so that America will like them. Some people are here to play for their votes in sequester. I'm here to play the game." Huh? What does that even mean? Everyone's there to play the game. I don't think you eat slop for sixty days for fun.

George, on the other hand, had a shorter, sillier speech. "Cool beans!" he said, blatantly cribbing Nakomis's hokey catch phrase. Well, with that out of the way, it was time to vote. I'll make this quick: Erika and Will voted to evict James, but then Danielle voted to evict George. With only Janelle left, would she stick by her old ally, therefore causing the tie and forcing Mike Boogie to cast the final, decisive vote? Nope. She voted James's ass out. Payback's a bitch...

Julie then read the results, and of course, George's jaw went completely slack. James, on the other hand, was a real class act. I thought he'd be bitching and moaning and lashing out with little passive-aggressive comments. Instead, he hugged everyone with his matronly smile and even told them all "Good luck." In response, Boogie patronizingly said, "You played a great game, James. You're a great player." Everyone then applauded him, but I'm surprised no one started it off with the slow-clap. It really would have been perfect. It could have been more emotional than the end of Cool Runnings.

James then navigated his way into Julie's lair of awkward conversation, and as he sat down, he joked, "It's not nice to see you again!" Don't bash the Chenbot, yo! Back in the house, Danielle was crying, of course, and Erika whispered to her, "C'mon. Let's go get an HOH." It sounded like they were almost working together, but weren't Erika's loyalties to Chill Town? George, meanwhile, sat despondently at the kitchen counter, acting as if he were shocked and devastated by what had just gone down. Oh be quiet, George. Don't act like you were gunning for James just five days ago.

Back in the studio, Julie asked James how he was feeling, knowing that his alliance screwed him over. "It's All-Stars. I got beat by the best," he said, as if that really meant anything (which it didn't). He then confessed that he played the game way too seriously in the beginning (or "too serious" as he said, becoming the latest reality star to join the adverbally-challenged). This then led to Julie doing her weekly recitation of dirty words as she read some of James's quote about Janelle: "Dumb. Stupid bitch. A whore. And an Anna Nicole Smith wannabe." Man, I'd love to see Julie on Wild in Out.

Don't worry, James. There's always custard modeling.

James told us that he was mad at Janelle because she had sold him out the very first week over the Mr. and Mrs. Smith alliance or something like that. We then saw the goodbye messages, which featured one from Erika saying, "There can be only one great floater, and that has to be me!" Oh SLAM! In your face, second-to-best floater!!!

Will, meanwhile, took full responsibility for the ouster, saying he felt threatened by James. "The teacher never teaches the student all the tricks, and I had to keep this one last trick up the sleeve," Will said. Of course, he was speaking theoretically because we have yet to see a true sleeve all season long from him. (His black polo does not count).

Danielle then provided another tearful, vengeful comment as she seethed, "If you're out there for some reason, then Chill Town has not seen the bad side of me yet. I will take care of them. I guarantee it." Dunh dunh DUNH!

As for final thoughts, James said, "Getting to work with Danielle and Will, I mean, that was — that's an amazing accomplishment!" Okay, he's gotta relax. It wasn't an accomplishment at all. It was just Big Brother. It's not like he got to play basketball with Michael Jordan or fly into space.

Anyway, we then went to commercial, and when we came back, it was time for the Head of Household competition. Or as I like to call it, THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER!!! Everything seemed fine and normal until Julie said, "This evening's competition is called 'But First.'" Oh. My. God. TVGASM HAS INFILTRATED BIG BROTHER. It was crazy when Julie Chen talked about it in Entertainment Weekly. It was downright awesome when she demonstrated who to say it on The Early Show. But now incorporating it into a Big Brother challenge?? Consider my head BLOWN!

Sadly, TVgasm got no credit or shout-out, but that's okay because the mere thrill of seeing our But First joke in primetime was wonderful enough. You know, there's been a lot of press about how Snakes on the Plane was influenced greatly by the internet. How about a little love for Big Brother and this here blog?

Okay, enough self-aggrandizement. Let's get to the competition. Julie told the house guests, "We'll start the game in just a few moments, BUT FIRST here's how it works." Wow. I was definitely having a TVgasm.

Hey look! That piñata is wearing sunglasses!

Basically, the rules were that Julie would tell the order of two events that the house guests had all witnessed. If they thought the sequence was true, they would step up (they were all on tiny staircases). If they thought the order was false, they'd step down. Let the games begin!

"Howie called Mike a punk before walking out the door, BUT FIRST gnomes threw pies in the house guests faces," Julie stated. By the way, could this be a more confusing game? Actually, it's not that hard, but when the first statement as a "before" and a "but first," I could imagine being slightly puzzled. That being said, everyone answered false, which was correct.

Next true or false: "The houseguests got dolled up for prom night, BUT FIRST the grim reaper made an ominous appearance." Okay, that was a better statement. Much less ambiguity. The answer was true, but unfortunately, Janelle and George both answered false and were eliminated.

This left Will, Danielle, and Erika. I was really hoping for Danielle to win, just to see her exact revenge, but I definitely didn't want to see an Erika victory, only because I figured she'd do whatever Chill Town wanted her to do, which would be pretty boring. As for Will, I knew he'd throw the competition; so I really wasn't too concerned about him. Anyway, Chenbot then said, "True or false: Jase refused to walk Nakomis to the door after eviction, BUT FIRST Kaysar became a human blueberry." Well, Danielle and Will both said it was true, and Erika, well, she didn't know what to do. She stood on the middle step, teetering towards true until Julie barked, "ANSWERS PLEASE!!!" Erika then stepped down to false, and it turned out she was correct. My worst case scenario came true, and Erika won HOH. Blast. With any luck, she'll defy my expectations and surprise us all, and truth is that afterwards, she shared an awfully long hug with Danielle, which had me thinking that maybe she's not such lapdog for Chill Town. The real question will be if Janelle and Danielle can convince her that Dr. Will and Boogie need to be broken up. I guess we'll find out soon enough.

As the segment came to a close, Will looked super pissed, as if he didn't understand the directions. Everyone tried to explain them to him, but I'm sure this was just an act on his part. Didn't the house guests remember? He full-on admitted he'd be throwing every HOH and Veto competition back in week three. Anyway, after the break, Julie killed some time by talking with the house guests. She told George that she had fried chicken and beer waiting for him in case he was evicted. However, he thought she was saying she was gonna actually give him fried chicken and beer right now, and as a result, he sprung up from his chair triumphantly, a look of pure glee on his face. Sadly, the Chenbot had to shatter his dreams by saying, "Would you rather be out here with the food? Or still in the game?" And with that, his face totally collapsed, and Chicken George looked as if he had just lost all faith in humanity.

Shock!

Joy!

Triumph!

Total, all-consuming euphoria!

Mid-orgasm!

Confusion...

Aaaand life sucks again.

We then learned that George had lost a whopping twenty-pounds on the slop diet (and honestly, it was starting to show), and then here's a shocker: Danielle missed her family. Before things could get too teary, Julie left the house guests and then revealed to us that next week's live show would be... a double elimination! We were going to have an HOH competition, nominations, a veto competition, and an eviction all live and all in one hour! Holy Canoli! I love when Big Brother pulls these stunts, but I always fear that it will yield chaos in a bad way. There's something to be said for playing things out, letting intense scheming work its magic. But then again, when the season finale date has been bumped up a week and there are more houseguests than ever, I guess they gotta amp up the eviction pace.

What did you think about this episode? And were you as excited as we are about the But First competition?

Posted by B-side at 10:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (49)

In case you missed all of the excitement from last week, TVgasm wanted to remind everybody about the greatest contest EVAR. TVgasm is teaming up with BAWLS Guarenexx, Official Energy Drink of Olympus Fashion Week, to send one look reader to the Project Runway fashion show in New York City. Not only will you be viewing the runway show that will help determine the winner of this third installment of Project Runway, but you'll be in the company of TVgasm's own EdHill, who promises to do his very best to show up sober. To enter, we ask that you create your outfit. There are no restrictions on what you can do, but you should be the one that is doing the sewing. We've had some great entries so far, and you have until the end of this weekend to enter. Click here to read all of the details on the giveaway. Good luck!

Posted by J-Unit at 9:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Football season is almost upon us, and to celebrate, TVgasm has created a couple of fantasy "Pick 'Em" leagues to make your weekends even more enjoyable. Think about it. Tailgating, beer, cheerleaders, mascots, your favorite team, and the chance to win a free item from the TVgasm store! That's what football is all about. To enter, visit the home page for the the NCAA football TVgasm group or the NFL football TVgasm group, go through the steps to create your entry and then make your picks. Each week you will have a chance to choose from a new set of games, and the person with the most points at the end of the season wins. So more people can join, we are not playing with "point spreads". We will have updates throughout the year, but you can do your trash talk 24 hours a day and 7 days a week in the TVgasm forums.

Posted by J-Unit at 9:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

James and Chicken George were up for eviction on tonight's Big Brother, but the real surprise came with the HoH competition. Hannah and B-side came dressed to the nines for this great event. Click on the picture above to play.

Posted by J-Unit at 6:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Treasure Hunters, 8/21/06, NBC

I was watching the awful, awful live finale of Treasure Hunters this week, and I couldn't help but feel like intrepid host Laird Macintosh was trying to out-Chenbot the Chenbot. To prove my point, I have prepared three stunning arguments, all detailed in today's Clipgasm. Beware: SPOILER ALERT if you haven't seen the outcome of this show yet.

Posted by B-side at 4:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

• Tom Cruise continues to reel from Sumner Redstone's public smackdown, but the good news is that his company, Cruise/Wagner, has secured $100 million from private equity firms. The money will be used to fund future projects and/or fake babies. [NY Daily News]


• In case you haven't heard yet, the upcoming season of Survivor will divide tribes on racial lines. Rumor has it that the castaways will intersect with each other in convenient and stagey ways, learning simplistic lessons about their prejudices all along the way. In other news, Survivor has already won the Oscar for Best Picture. [NY Times]


• And also check out this South Park-ization of Survivor. [Defamer]


• You may think Kevin Federline is stupid, but his GED scores would have you saying otherwise. The aspiring rapper tells GQ "I actually got amazing-ass scores." His spirits were later dampened when he realized the high school equivalency exam he had taken was actually just a word scramble on the back of a Cheerios box. [NY Daily News]


• Great news! After George Clooney visited Darfur last month, he totally thought he had malaria, but guess what? It was just food poisoning from the return flight! Read all about this and more in Things About George Clooney You Don't Really Care About Quarterly. [NY Post]


• Due to budget cutbacks, Saturday Night Live will be dropping several cast members this season. Rumors have it that Chris Parnell, Kenan Thompson, and Horatio Sanz are all on the outs. On the plus side, now they can look forward to lucrative careers appearing in a few movies and then pretty much disappearing forever. [E! Online]


• Stop the presses! Horatio Sanz says he's still on the show! And so the era of unrehearsed, sloppy performances continues! [Zap2it]


• And in sad news, beloved galactic underdog Pluto has been dropped from the solar system. A source close to the former planet says that Sumner Redstone did not approve of its off-Hubble-Telescope behavior. [AP]

Posted by B-side at 12:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (21)

This was our first night of Rock Star: Supernova without Zayra. Our first night without the possibility of vaginal pyrotechnics. Without histrionical shrieking. Or camel toe. How would the world respond? More importantly, how would the other rockers respond? Who would step forward to carry Zayra's torch? If not firing up a cooter laser, would any of them at least try lighting their farts? Or Dilana's, as decomposing flesh and gas is highly combustible. If so, my money's on Patrice. It's always the soccer moms you have to watch out for.

Brooke opens the show standing with the band, talking about how awesome last week's performance with Dilana featuring Supernova was. But don't just take Brooke's word for it. The producers have a video montage cued up and ready to (rock and) roll. For some reason, they edit out the hoochie footage, but there are still plenty of other things to chuckle over. Namely, the song itself. It's not bad, but it's no "PopoZão" either. It's just not at all what I expected from these guys. Dilana says that after performing with the band last week, she can't see anyone else playing with them but her. I can't help but wonder if she said the same thing about the band she played with while performing this classic. (Muchos grassyass to alert reader Happy Homemaker for the tip.)

During song selection, there were two, count 'em two, original songs up for grabs. Magni opens the session by saying they need to decide who gets the originals first, because nothing else will get done until that's decided. Taking control. That's how Magni rocks it.

Ryan wants to do one of the original songs. So does Lukas. And Toby. Storm wants it so badly, she's willing to put on boxing gloves and fight for it. Patrice says she'll stand up on her two feet all night long, and not eat or sleep for one of the originals. That may be how they decide things at PTA, Patrice, but this is Rockstar. Either put 'em up or shut your pie hole.

Magni says since Patrice has been in the bottom three three times, she's earned the chance to perform an original tune. Everyone agrees to that. But who will get the other? To settle it, Magni suggests a little game he likes to call Thunderdome. "You know the law," he tells them. "Two men enter, one man leaves." Except of course, that it's not just men fighting for the song, as it comes down to Ryan versus Storm. She still wants to fight for it, but Ryan says no way. Personally, I don't know why Ryan won't fight her. After all, it's really a win-win situation for him. If he fights her and wins, he gets the original song and a chance to punch Storm in the face. If he fights her and loses, he still got to punch her in the face.

In the end, though, Storm backs down and agrees to sing "Cryin'" by Aerosmith, because she doesn't think anyone else can sing it. "Something went off in my head," she tells us. "I won't do the original this week. I will do the song, once again, that people are afraid of." Wow, climb down off the cross, Storm. Someone else needs the wood. I wonder if it ever occurred to her that nobody else wanted the Aerosmith song because it sucks?

Ryan admits he's a bit worried about doing an original: "Zayra did an original (last week) and went home, so I'm up against the same risk." Well, not really. Because Patrice is also doing an original. So unless she's written the world's rockinest Soccer Mom anthem, I'm pretty sure Ryan is safe.

Next, it's time for Toby to get some payback, as he and Dilana both want the same song, "Every Breath You Take" by The Police. He says he'll give it to her if she runs around the pool naked. Sounds fair. After all, he did it last week. To her credit, Dilana does it. Even more to her credit, she does it in the daylight, which can't be good for her centuries-old complexion. Running around the pool, she kind of reminded me of the naked chick from "Return of the Living Dead." Except that chick looked hot as a naked zombie. Dilana, on the other hand, looked like an extra on the director's cut of the "Thriller" video. In fact, she might be the first girl to catch Michael Jackson's eye since Macaulay Culkin. The best part of the segment? Toby admits later he didn't even want the song.

Meanwhile, Storm is regretting her song decision. "Cryin'" is a lot harder to sing than she thought it would be. Thank husband for her Verizon wireless phone by LG. She downloads the song and decides it's an awesome song. Not as awesome as her V-Cast service, but still, pretty awesome nonetheless.

Back to live action... Before TheDave comments on what they just saw, he says he needs to introduce a fifth member of the panel tonight. I thought for sure he was going to talk about Brooke's pregnancy, but instead he talks about Gilby's dog. Which is cool, cuz I hate babies. But I love puppies!

TheDave wants to know why, once again, Storm gave in on song selection and didn't fight for what she really wanted. Whassupwidat? Storm says it's going to be her biggest lesson and she needs to stop putting other people's needs first. Especially in a competition like this. Besides, she's not scared to sing anything. Whatevs. I bet she wouldn't talk so tough if she had to sing "Axel F" by Crazy Frog.

Next, he asks Patrice about her decision to do an original song. She's confident about her songwriting, and she wanted to "bring something in, show it, and that's what she's here to do." Other things she's here to do: test drive a new minivan as soon as the taping is over.

Starting off the night is Patrice, with her original song, "Beautiful Thing." It's so happy and poppy and bubblegummy I'm surprised she didn't have midgets dancing around a giant package of Bubblicious on stage. At least that would've been interesting. You know how when there's somebody you really like, you say you could listen to them sing the phone book? Patrice is sort of like that, except I don't like her because everything she sings sounds just like she's singing the phone book. This song is no exception.

TheDave thinks it was a great song, but it's not right for Supernova. Tommy thinks that even though it's slightly happy, they can rebuild it. They have the technology. When Jason asks what it was like to perform an original song in front of millions of people, Patrice says it was amazing. She made a pact with her guitar player when she was 19 that she would never have a day job, and so far she's kept it. I hate when soccer moms dis their responsibilities like that, because being a mom is a full-time job. Just ask sg-dub.

After the break, Magni sings "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana. Yawn. If Magni really wanted to show some balls, he'd have covered Tori Amos's cover of Nirvana. Instead, he plays it pretty straight. Overall, he does an okay job, but it feels like he's just putting on a show, and not really singing, if that makes any sense. If not, suck it, because it makes sense to me.

I guess TheDave is going to have to suck it, because he loved Magni's performance. In fact, it was awesome! Tommy wants to know why Magni didn't play guitar this week. Magni says it's because he likes the whole "running around screaming thing" instead of just standing there playing four chords. Wrong answer, Iceman. "Just because you have a guitar doesn't mean you can't take it off and smash it," T-Bag tells him. "You're not strapped to it the whole song. Play it, get rid of it, smash it, move on," he says. Ironically, that's also Tommy's philosophy of marriage.

TheDave chimes in, saying that Tommy makes a great point. "Before this season ends, I want to see something get broken up there," he tells the rockers. I wonder if my will to live counts? Because that was broken weeks ago.

Up next is Ryan, bringing his "trademark intensity" to his original tune, "Back of Your Car." Gee, I wonder what this song is about? No wonder he thought it was perfect for Supernova. Actually, Ryan's song is pretty cool. TheDave tells Ryan it's the most rocking he's ever seen him. He also says it was a great move to trash his guitar mid-song. Although hardly the most original, considering T-Bag had just told Magni to do the same thing. When asked what happened to him over the past few weeks to amp up his angst so much, Ryan tells the band he got laid. Is it just me, or is that not totally backward? How else to explain the nasty undertones of EdHill's recaps?

Anyway, TheDave says Ryan was the dark horse when the competition started, so he's going to start calling him Ryan "The Dark Horse" Star. As long as we're going with a horse theme, let's figure out who some of the other rockers would be...

Patrice is obviously My Pretty Pony. Dilana, of course, is The Old Gray Mare. Since they eat horses in Iceland, Magni is Meat. Storm would be the Easy Ride'Um Brown Stick Horse because anyone can ride her. And Lukas is Bill the Pony, beloved steed of Samwise Gamgee. Toby would be Foster's, Australian for beer Horse (Piss).

As for the band, Tommy's already been compared to a horse numerous times. Well, a certain part of his anatomy has been. Jason would be Quick Draw McGraw, because of his tortured "aw shucks" delivery, while Gilby would by El Kabong, his guitar slinging alter ego. Brooke is going to be Mr. Ed, because there's something about her being on all fours while begging for a carrot and calling me Wilbur that is tre hot. And while TheDave is just too freakish to be a horse, he does get a horse-related nickname: Catherine the Great. Why? Because if past behavior is any indication of future performance, given the chance TheDave would totally "experiment" with a horse just to prove to himself that he's not gay for horses.

Back to reality, oops there goes gravity, and Storm is singing "Cryin' " by Aerosmith. This song is a perfect example of why rockers should never be allowed to sober up. Before Aerosmith got in program, they rocked. After working their 12 steps, they started writing shit like this. It's also a perfect example of why Storm needs to go home. Her performance is just not good. In fact, it makes me wish I were drinking right now. Unfortunately, as I'm writing this part of the recap during my lunch hour at work, the best I can sneak in is a handful of 'shrooms.

TheDave tells Storm he knows what a difficult song that is to sing. "Especially wearing your corset," she tells him. Ooh, Stormy-snap! T-Bag says it was cool; he only wishes she had less (fewer!) clothes on. TheDave tells Storm to give him corset back. "Come over and take it, bitch!" she tells him. Just get a room, you two! That is, if Tommy doesn't mind.

Gilby tells Storm she handles challenges real well. What he's looking for at this point, however, are "extra memorable" performances. Hey, I just realized that Gilby isn't going to play this week. I hope it wasn't because he had his dog with him. There's nothing to be embarrassed about playing in front of your dog, Gilby. He's seen you naked. If he'll still hump your leg after that, I think you're golden. Although, just to be safe, I don't think I'd play any original Supernova music in front of him just yet.

Dilana's next, singing "Every Breath You Take" by The Police. I don't know whether it's her drag-queen eyelashes or Zayra-worthy outfit, but her performance tonight leaves me colder than her icy beyond-the-grave touch. At one point, she actually starts singing her name over and over, as if she's subliminally trying to force us to take our own lives. At this point, that doesn't sound like such a bad idea.

Overall, it's a surprisingly ungood performance by our undead songstress. TheDave and the band disagree, however. Ms. Navarro loves her eyelashes. "They make you look like Bambi," he tells her. "I'll kick Bambi's ass," she says. "And then drain her lifeblood as a sacrifice befitting my dark lord. And then I'll make a really nice venison chili, with some jalapenos and maybe a little basil. You guys should come. I mean it."

TheDave thinks if it were a nudity contest between Dilana and Toby, she'd win. Personally, I think he's just saying that to draw attention away from this. TheDave says next week they're doing song selection at his pool. Of course, never one to let a chance at some good old fashioned sexual harassment go by, Tommy says he has a pool too. "But mine's Olympic-size," TheDave tells him. And just like that, Tommy backs down. I guess they weren't using their pools as a metaphor for their dicks after all. Or maybe T-Bag remembered a kid once drowned in his pool.

Jason asks Dilana if there were a particular reason she was willing to run nekid around the pool for this particular song. Duh. It's because stealing the breath of loved ones is the only way she can feel alive. I'm afraid to think of what she'd do to sing "Mother" by Danzig. Actually, she gives some lame answer about how it's her mother's favorite song, and she hasn't talked to her mother in years. Ever since she ripped the still-beating heart from her mother's chest.

Up next is Toby, singing his own arrangement of "Layla" by Eric Clapton. What is there to say about Toby's performance that hasn't already been said about the Unabomber? I have no idea what that means, but I have no idea what to make of Toby tonight either. In the space of two minutes, he transforms from psycho-hoodie to bare-chested hottie. Except he has "EVS" written across his chest. What does "EVS" stand for? Eat Vegemite Sandwiches? Echo Victor Sierra? Earthy Vagina Sniffer? He tells TheDave it's just short for "whatever" but I'm not buying it.

The last rocker to perform tonight is Lukas. Unfortunately, our local CBS affiliate, KKTV, decided it was more important to tease a story about a sexual predator moving into town than show all of OompaLukas's performance. I'd have thought the preceding 50 minutes of TheDave would've satisfied the station's sexual predator quota for the night, but what do I know?

Well, I know the little bit of Lukas's song I did see was typical Lukas. He mumbled, he fixed his hair in the reflection of the lead guitarist's guitar, he turned his back to the audience... What I don't know, evidently, is how to judge a performance, because everyone loved the Hobbit's song tonight. I guess I picked the wrong week to quit smoking pipeweed.

TheDave says his performance was unbelievable. T-Bag has two words for Lukas: Dingle Berry. Actually, he simply says "Check please," then does his drop-the-mic trick again. Yeah, that never gets old. Just like the look my pharmacist gives me whenever I refill my prescription for Valtrex. Hey bud, it's not like I got it from your daughter. Although she is a slut.

Anyway, before going off the air, Brooke reveals the initial bottom three: Patrice, Storm and Toby. Will they be the same when the voting closes?

THE RESULTS

Okay, I'm just doing one recap for Rockstar from now, because I'm a busy, busy boy. Not to mention a lazy, lazy drunk. Actually, I'm just slammed at work. Plus, once I start doing House recaps in a couple of weeks that will mess up the timing of Rockstar, so we may as well get in the habit of doubling up now.

Tonight's episode starts off with the obligatory recap of last night's episode, which you just finished reading. So obviously I'm not going to cover that again. We also got a look at the mansionanigans after the show. Dilana starts up with the attitude, telling Ryan he'd have been "nothing" without The House Band. What?! She keeps after him on the patio, asking if he knows why she's getting more votes than he is. "Because you're prettier?" he answers. "No," she says, "it's because from week one, I've been casting a voodoo spell over the voters of the world. You'd be amazed at the powers of a little chicken blood and a simple incantation. Thanks to me, Kofi Anan still runs the United Nations. And Taylor Hicks is your American Idol. Bitches." Actually, she just says that the voters she picked up on week one are still with her, but I gotta believe she had something to do with Kevin Covais not winning AI this year.

Magni's had enough of Dilana's antics, though, and tells her that he and Ryan are growing, and she's just doing the same thing over and over again. "Running out of ideas, are you?" Ryan asks, before mocking her with an "I need eyelashes!" Ryan, please, do not provoke the Dilana. Have you never seen the episode of Night Gallery where a guy gets an earwig put into his ear, which he survives, only to learn it laid eggs in his brain? Dilana's like that, only she'll lay her own eggs in your brain, then eat them for brunch. Seriously dude, she is not to be trifled with.

The next morning, the rockers got to check out some fan sites on Windows Live Spaces. I wish the producers would show them this site. I'd cross post it on Live Spaces, but have I mentioned how lazy I am? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I have. Although I wouldn't be surprised if I haven't, because I am pretty lazy.

Some demented fan suggests that perhaps Ryan and Dilana should be co-lead-singers of Supernova. Ryan said he'd rather shoot himself in the head, because he knows shooting Dilana in the head would only piss her off. Can you imagine those two as co-lead-singers, though? It'd be like the Wonder Twins. Ryan: "Form of... Angst!" Dilana: "Shape of... pure unadulterated evil!!"

Back at the club, TheDave extols the virtues of the Internets. "It's like a big series of tubes," he says. Actually, he just says it's cool to have the immediate interaction with your fans. Boring.

Not so boring? Dilana's turn on the hot seat. TheDave is more than a little shocked at her attitude toward Ryan. She apologizes to Ryan for her words, and says that this week it was her turn to be the big bitch. But, she also says she would hate to be on tour with anybody and have to share the stage. She wants to be the singer for the band. Not one of two singers for the band. She goes on to say that she was not joking when she told Ryan he'd be "nothing" without The House Band. The crowd starts booing, and she immediately takes it back. "Sorry, no, I did not mean what I said," she says. Wow, not only is she a bitch, she's a psycho too. Mabye Dilana's a real girl after all. (Zing!)

TheDave is not happy with her answer. "The reality is, what would any of you be without The House Band?" he asks, none-too-rhetorically. He thinks that Dilana might be a little threatened by The Dark Horse. "No, not at all," she says. The only one she is threatened by is The Dark Lord. And Tommy's junk, of course.

TheDave asks Ryan for his reaction to the mansionanigans. He says that what he just heard Dilana say is the most graceful he's heard her speak in a while. Wow Ryan, passive aggressive much? He goes on to say that Dilana seems to be the frontrunner right now, but maybe she shouldn't be talking down so much to the other rockers, as it shows disrespect, and for her benefit he thinks she should be more positive when she talks about other people. Sure, Ryan, for her benefit.

Next, we see some footage of the rockers in the studio auditioning for the chance to sing the next new original Supernova song, "Be Yourself and Five Other Clichés." The winner? Toby. Providing he can keep his shirt on. This song is a big step up from last week's. And there are no hoochie girls interrupting the performance. Although I was a bit distracted when Toby started humping Jason's leg. Gilby, on the other hand, thought it was hysterical.

After the break, Brooke sets up our next segment, telling us that fronting a band isn't just about singing; it's also about dealing with the press. From there, we get some footage of the rockers being interviewed by a few media hacks. The first guy (Mark Long, host of some show nobody's heard of called Fox Reality Remix) asks Lukas if he were a fan of Supernova's growing up. Considering that Supernova is only a few months old, I'd say the answer is no, MARK! Lukas does admit to having losing his cherry while listening to "The Unforgiven" by Metallica. Ironically, he lost it to his father.

Toby gets to talk with Kevin Dickson from In Touch Magazine. He asks if Toby could survive doing a year-long tour. "Depends on what medicines are being created right now," is Toby's answer, which Kevin seems to find way more funny than I do. Guess that's why he writes for In Touch and I'm recapping shows for TVgasm.

Jamie White, from STAR 98.7 FM asks Ryan if he feels Dilana has the edge right now. Just as he starts explaining why he feels she does, he notices Jason walking into the room, and so he quickly hems and haws his way out of it. Lukas won't tell Kevin who he thinks is faking it, because he doesn't want to dog anyone. Dilana, however, has no such qualms. She goes on to tell Jamie that she wants to strangle Lukas every day, and at least once a day wants to punch his lights out. When Jamie tells Lukas what Dilana had to say, he is quite the disturbed little hobbit. Next, Dilana tells Kevin she thinks Toby is just along for the ride and Magni is really set on being with his family. Later, she tries to brush it off by saying she's just trying to win a contest, but the damage has already been done. Dilana, I dub thee Dibitch.

Back in the club, TheDave is speechless. He asks Dilana what the hell was she thinking? She says that Jamie misquoted her in her remarks toward Lukas, and that what she really said was she wanted to save him, and sometimes she feels like a "mother dove" who wants to take him under her wing and protect him. Lukas interrupts her, saying "I don't need a dove, by the way. The protection of my old friend Gandalf the Grey is good enough for me."

Dilana says she's not a professional person that's been in interviews; she's been a singer her entire life, and she screwed up. She's just a human being (sort of), and she apologizes to anyone she's offended (sort of). Finally, she promises to learn from her mistakes. "Fair enough," says TheDave. "But why would you say those things?" Dilana's answer? She's too honest, and doesn't know how to lie. Nor does she know how to control her insatiable lust for brains, which is why Jamie hasn't been seen since Interview Day.

Lukas says he's not surprised by what he heard. "I have to live with that everyday," he says. "Literally. And I'm bigger than that." We know he's lying now, because Lukas isn't bigger than anything.

Still with me? Good, because it's finally time for the eliminations. I'll try to be brief.

At the end of last night's show, Patrice, Storm and Toby were in the bottom three. Also joining them later at one point during the voting was Magni. He's the first to perform tonight. To save his behind, he's going to sing "Fire" by Jimi Hendrix. And he's playing his guitar. What do you bet he does something crazy with it? Overall, it's a pretty energetic performance. Certainly good enough to keep him around another week. I wish he'd have set his guitar on fire, though. Although that's probably frowned upon since the whole Great White incident a few years back.

Patrice is next. And if the band hadn't already decided to send her home tonight, in my opinion her version of "Middle of the Road" by The Pretenders left them no choice. It was bad. As in not good. It was also the perfect choice for her, as she has been nothing but middle of the road this entire contest.

That means it's down to Storm or Toby for the final spot in the bottom three. Amazingly, it's Toby. He promises to keep his shirt on during his cover of "Plush" by Stone Temple Pilots. It's passable. And the band agrees, sending him back to an early seat.

Gilby tells Patrice that they can't ignore the fact that it's her fourth trip to the bottom three. Of course, Magni's also been in the bottom three for the past two weeks. But enough of Gilby's jibber-jabber. What does the Tommy Hawk think? He thinks that since the fans buy their tickets, they have to listen to them, and therefore the band has cancelled their upcoming tour. Also, Patrice is cut.

Surprised? I'm not. Although I did expect Storm to be in the bottom three. As for next week, do you think Dilana's attitude will hurt her? Or is her kung-fu to strong to be overcome by mere mortals such as Ryan and Magni? And just what type of magick might Lukas of the Shire throw her way? Enquiring minds want to know.

Posted by copygodd at 9:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (19)

Like OMG! Did you see the party on Laguna Beach last night? Like everyone totally came! Even Kyndra and Cami showed up, even though they were all like "Eww! We hate confetti!" And Chase was like all about acting like he wasn't going to go, but then he totally went! And then Tessa was like totally surprised, and Rocky was like "I love you!" and the waiter was like "Watch out for the red peppers!" It was like totally the best birthday week evah!

Yes, this week's episode of Laguna Beach was all about Tess and her upcoming seventeenth birthday. Little did she know that there was a surprise party planned in her honor. At the outset of the episode, Rocky asked her what she wanted, and I was praying that the answer might involve some sort of nasal decongestant. However, the chronically wooden birthday girl merely said (or read, perhaps), "I don't know [pause... 2... 3... 4... ] I just want to hang out with Chase." Yes, Tessa wanted to spend her birthday with the school's resident rock star/scarecrow, Chase, but one problem: "He's always busy with his music," Tessa sighed, wallowing in the bland realities of her existence.

Anyway, Tessa and Raquel continued to discuss the enigmatic being that is Chase, and I would tell you what they said but a) it was forgettable, and b) I kept getting distracted by Tessa's magazine flapping in the gale force Laguna winds. Hey Tessa, it's called a paperweight. LOOK INTO IT.

Nevertheless, I did seem to remember the girls saying how Chase wanted to be a rock star, and I'm sure if anyone could help, it would be Rocky. You know, on account of her being the long lost spawn of Naomi Judd. Anyway, the opening credits then rolled, and soon we learned the title of tonight's epic show: "Who Wants To Date A Rock Star?" I couldn't tell if that was a rhetoric question or a general plea. Either way, it provoked nightmarish visions of Tommy Lee taking Tessa on a date at Dave and Buster's, and for that I was not happy.

Speaking of Rock Stars, we then headed over to Nick G.'s house (no relation to Warren) where the dumb band, Open Air Stereo, was busy practicing. As far as teen rockers go, they weren't as painfully cacophonous as Talan's "let's play random notes" band, but that's not saying much. Luckily, we didn't hear much of their music in this scene -- just a mere snippet featuring Chase singing "Ahhhhh" over and over again. Yes, he's quite the wordsmith. Silverchair better watch out!

Well, the band took a quick break, and conveniently, Rocky called Chase up and asked him if they were all set for Tessa's party. You see, up until now, we didn't know there was a party, and from the sounds of it, this was gonna be a surprise party! "She has no clue," Rocky said, adding, "Seriously, she has no clue about anything. She doesn't even know what birds are." Okay, Rocky didn't say that last part, but Chase did note that this party is "gonna rage!" And let's be honest. Nothing saying ragin' like a wild girl like Tessa!

And what was Tessa doing at that moment? Oh, you know. Just staring off into space. Raquel walked up to her in a café and kissed her on the cheek, "surprising" her in the process. "Oh. Hey," Tessa remarked in her typically captivating way. Rocky then wished her a happy birthday week (shouldn't it be birth week, not birthday week?) to which Tessa replied, "Thank you!" This was followed by the arrival of their food, prompting Rocky to say, "Thank you!" which was then echoed by Tessa who also chirped, "Thank you!" Seriously, everyone STOP SAYING THANK YOU. WE GET IT.

Well, with the weekend coming, Tessa wanted to know what Rocky had in store for the big birthday party. Oh, not much, Raquel said. Just a few people were coming over. Oh, and Chase wasn't gonna be able to make it because he had a busy night of singing "Ahhhhh" in Nick G's basement. As you can imagine, Tessa was quite crestfallen by this news, and while she emoted blandly into her salad, we headed over to Kyndra's house where our queen bee was busy trying on outfits. Overseeing this process was Kyndra's mom, Karen, or as I like to call her, MARKIE POST. Who would have ever thought Kyndra came from such faux Night Court-ish roots? Actually, to be fair, Karen wasn't a total Markie Post doppleganger -- that is, unless Markie Post got giant, fake boobs and a nasty sunburn.

Anyhoo, like so many Laguna moms, Karen seemed to be enjoying the vicarious thrill ride that was her daughter's life, and at one point, when Kyndra insisted she wasn't preparing for a date, K-Dawg remarked, "That's a pretty hot outfit for it not being a date." This, of course, comes from the woman with the silicon funbags popping out of her low-cut shirt. And don't think she wasn't afraid to show those assets off to Cameron when he showed up. With "Mrs. Robinson" playing in my head, Karen managed to bend over generously, making sure all boys (and MTV cameras) in a five foot radius could see the full-splendor of her mighty bosom. Oh K-Dawg. You naughty, naughty minx. Of course, she's nothing compared to Charlene Torriero, mother of Talan:

"Excuse me while I lean over, children."

"You ever been with an older woman, Cameron? Wanna see what it's like?"

We then went from Kyndra's mom Karen to Jessica's mom Karen, who, by the way, looked EXACTLY like Jessica. As you'd expect from these two, they were busy talking about boys, specifically Cameron. Karen asked if her daughter was dating him or whatever, and then she rationalized, "He's an old junior, and you graduated a year early." Well, I guess that means their relationship isn't totally sad and pathetic on Jessica's part! Yay! By the way, it's super sad when Jessica has to rely on her mom as a sidekick. Even LC was able to import random people for her stint last season (and let's not forget that one of those random people was the beloved Heidi, luminary thinker of Southern California).

Shut up, MIRROR IMAGE!

Anyway, Karen chided her daughter/reflection by saying, "What do you think Cameron's doing? Waiting for you? He's too cute." Ouch. Well, Jessica scoffed at her mother's snotty (but true) comment by asking, "Why do you have to be such a KILLJOY???" Oooh! Nice use of "killjoy!" I didn't know colorful vocabulary was allowed in The 'Guna. I felt like I had just witnessed some rare phenomenon, like a solar eclipse or Saint Elmo's Fire. Nevertheless, sick of her daughter's whining, Karen asked, "Did you learn anything from Kristin?... That girl kind of had it down." She then added, "Why can't Kristin be my daughter instead? I love her. Like in a motherly way." Okay, she didn't say that, but I'd like to thank Karen for passive-aggressively insulting Jessica and then comparing her to another peer. Without such great parenting, we'd never have Jessica's needy pleas for attention that we love oh so much.

Meanwhile, over at the same sushi spot where he had taken Jessica last week, Cameron was now enjoying a not-date with Kyndra. The two babbled about inane things, specifically Cami and how allegedly awesome she was. "I love Cami," Kyndra stated. "She's the guy version of you." Uh... Cami's a man?

"She's the girl version?" Cameron then corrected. Dammit. He stole my joke! Anyway, Kyndra continued her academic comparison of Cami and Cameron by nothing that they both go to the movies! Like OMG! Did she even mention how the first three letters of their names were exactly the same???? Well, Cameron insisted that he did not actually go to the movies that often, causing Kyndra to balk, "Are you kidding me? OH MY GOD!" He SOOOOO goes to the movies!!! The fact that he plays down his movie attendance is like totally the most crazy thing EVER!!! OMG!!!!

"He SO goes to the movies more than he's saying!"

The conversation then meandered on over to juicier subjects, namely Cameron's relationship with Jessica. He played it down, saying he and Jessica weren't dating -- they had only hooked up, and it was just one night. But after his blatant lying about his cinema patronage, I really wasn't sure what to believe anymore! Well, Kyndra was quite relieved to find out that Jessica wasn't the roadblock she thought she'd be, and with all worries assuaged, the two could banter about more important subjects like how Cameron had totally ordered too much sushi. Did he not realize there was chicken teriyaki coming too??? Whatevs!

With the sound of some girl cover of Dashboard Confessional's "Screaming Infidelities" in the background, we then headed to the world famous Koffee Klatch where Chase and Tessa were having a fascinating discussion about shopping and stuff. This summit of blandness reached epic levels when Chase pretended like he couldn't make it to Tessa's birthday party, saying he had band obligations.

"You know, you're getting big, I guess," Tessa remarked. "I remember when you used to play at lunch." Yeah, and now they play gym class. They are like huge now!

The two then babbled about how they don't get to hang out that often, but when they do, it's awesome because everything goes back to the way it always was. "Isn't that weird?" Chase mused.

"It's kind of intense!" Tessa answered. Actually, it's not very intense at all. Then again, when you live a life as chronically boring as Tessa's, the mere sight of a pigeon waddling down the sidewalk is enough to get the heart racing.

After the break, we headed over to Rocky's house where people were prepping for the big party. Turns out that tonight's episode was the official Meet The Moms show because in addition to the Karens from earlier, we also met Tessa's mom Francesca (ethnicity alert! Asian features detected!), Raquel's mom Robin, and lasly, Chase's mom, Julia, or as I call her, First Lady Martha Logan. Seriously, she had some major Jean Smart going on. What was up with the Laguna moms looking all '80s sitcom starrish? I feel like if we sat in on one of their tea parties, it would be like watching the cast of It's A Living (Cami's mom is so Sheryl Lee Ralph. Either that, or she's Nell Carter from Gimme A Break).

Martha Logan?

Anyway, as everyone got ready for the party (read: milled around the kitchen pointlessly), Chase commented, "It's gonna be raging. Could I say that one more time?" Please don't.

Meanwhile, over at Kyndra's house, Cami was busy balancing two water balloons on her chest. Oh wait, those were her breasts. She and Kyndra bitched and moaned about Tessa's upcoming party, and Kyndra in particular bashed the silly invitation she had received, complaining that when she opened it, confetti fell out and got everywhere. This of course had me wondering just how Kyndra opened her invite. Did she hold it above her head and shake out its contents like a moron? Or did she merely rip it in half like a barbarian? Because as far as I can tell, unless you're developmentally challenged, it's not that hard to keep the confetti in the envelope.

The conversation was put on hold for one second, however, as Kyndra, browsing through some fashion mag, declared, "Oooh! Chanel is going to be so pissed when they find out what Dior did!" Like totally! Chanel's gonna like totally dis-invite Dior from the Black-And-White party!

The two girls then resumed their not so bashful bash bashing (I'm clever!), which had me wondering why they were going in the first place. I should have known. Boys. Cameron was going, which meant Kyndra had to go, and since no Master can be unaccompanied at a social event, sidekick Cami had to attend as well. Quelle horreur!

Back at Raquel Judd's house, the band was busy with the world's most annoying soundcheck EVER, and then finally, the kids began showing up. Partay! Let the good times roll! I was happy to see this season of ethnic diversity included what seemed to be a fully black girl (I'm working under the assumption that Cami is mixed). Also, I was quite surprised to see all the Long Island girls show up, but then I realized that somewhere along the line, The 'Guna had simply become the trashy mecca of Southern California. We then saw general cavorting at the party, with Cameron towering about three feet above everyone else in attendance, and then finally, it was time to brace for Tessa's arrival. With the lights off and everyone quiet, Kyndra noted, "I'm smelling body odor." I think we can blame Chase for that.

Is that Mike Boogie escorting Tessa into the party?

Eventually, Tessa walked in the front door, and sure enough, she was shocked! So shocked, she couldn't even say anything (which was not unlike her unshocked state). Rocky got the ball rolling on the whole talking thing by saying, "I love you!" And as soon as pleasantries were exchanged, everyone crammed downstairs where like omg Open Air Stereo was going to perform!!! To show just how badass he was, Chase doffed his shirt and began rockin' the house with his pseudo-Incubus stylings. Cami and Kyndra of course slithered up to the front where they did that awkward dance that people do in non-dance-worthy concert settings, but when it came time to sing Happy Birthday to the lady of the hour, the cool girls decided it was time to go. Kyndra and some girl Nikki bolted, which meant they missed the bland-nificient moment that was Chase regaling Tessa with birthday wishes. That's thirty seconds of awkward Tessa giggling they'll never get to experience!

After the commercial break, we then engaged in the age-old Laguna Beach tradition of spending the third act gabbing about the second act. Our post-game coverage began at Rocky's house the next day where she relived that magical moment when Tessa first walked through the door. She looked like she had just walked into the wrong house, Rocky said for like the third time this episode. I will say that there's nothing quite as disarming as walking up to your apartment door and then suddenly realizing you're at the wrong floor. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it blows your mind.

Anyway, Tessa commented that she had no idea about the surprise party, and it was so awesome that Chase could be there and blah blah blah. She also revealed that she and Chase were having dinner together that night, causing Rocky to coo, "You totally belong together." Yes, they would be like a super union of blandness.

Speaking of Chase, he was shooting pool with some of his fellow band members and discussing the arduous task that was Tessa's party. He explained how not telling Tessa about the big bash was "the hardest thing I've ever had to endure." Oh, the plight of Chase! The burden of a surprise party is one that no man should ever have to experience! Why must he bear the brunt of such a torturous challenge? If you prick him, does he not bleed?

Elsewhere in The 'Guna, Kyndra was busy getting her car hand washed, and as usual, loyal Cami was there to participate in this monumental event. The girls tore apart Rocky's party, with Kyndra saying, "I was glad we left when we did. It was getting super stupid." Yes, so stupid that you couldn't resist dancing in the front row of Chase's mini-concert. Methinks someone was jealous that Rocky staged a better event than Kyndra's BBQ (which earlier she had insisted was so bomb).

Cami, meanwhile, was disgusted that there were so many people at the party who weren't even friends with Tessa. How insincere! This clearly peeved Cami, a true paragon of genuine behavior or compassion. As you'd expect, she then eviscerated Rocky's appearance, saying, "Raquel, like, just some of her outfit choices... Like, do you not own a mirror?" Kyndra echoed this by commenting, "I know we all have bellybutton rings, but hers was like a six foot chain." OH MY GOD! It's almost as if she were dressed like she were at a rock concert or something! Who does that??? Kyndra then noted, "I touched it, and I was like 'That's cuuute.'" Always good to see that the politics of high school superficiality are still alive and well!

Later that night, we headed over to the Five Foot Restaurant where Tessa was giggling at dinner with Chase. Honestly, I was starting to see why these girls hated her so much. The complete lack of personality was a big negative. Anyway, she and Chase carried on a forgettable conversation, and at one point, a waiter placed down their dishes, saying, "Watch out for those red peppers. They'll bite you!"

"YEAH!" Chase laughed back as if this waiter had just made the most searing, hilarious, and remarkable joke EVER.

"That thing about the red peppers was HILARIOUS, dude!"

The conversation then headed down a dark, mysterious path as Tessa alluded to a time when "she was sick." Apparently, the only person she had allowed to see her during that time was Chase. What ailment did she have? Cancer? Bulimia (Candace did hint at that last week). I guess we'll find out over the course of the season what secrets Tessa holds. Unfortunately, by then we probably won't care very much, especially since it will have been leaked to the internet, if it hasn't been already.

The episode wrapped up with Chase receiving a call in the restaurant, alerting him that his band desperately needed him. We didn't know what was so urgent that required Chase's immediate attention, but I'm thinking that maybe Nick G. had some ill-fated drum stick accident. The kind that involves a secret, Tessa-like hospital stay and a donut pillow. Just another Laguna mystery!

What did you think about the episode?

Posted by B-side at 1:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (85)

It was Cher week on our Project Runway Live Blog, and Katie and Andy were here in the studio to bring you everything from the latest episode. Click on the picture above to play.

Posted by J-Unit at 9:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Little League World Series, 8/23/06, ESPN

You never want to see a little kid hurt. That being said, this is hilarious.

Posted by B-side at 3:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (27)

Rufio Sneakers! Public Masturbation! Downtrodden Old People! Pretty rad, right? Boy, do those Entourage guys know how to keep my interest. Keeping up with the split-them-up theme from last week, the guys separate again for most of this episode: Turtle and Vince (nice to see them spending some QT together) are on the hunt for the Holy Grail of sneakers, Eric is doing the studio pitch thing with Ari and Father Time, I mean, Bob, and Drama is finally shooting his big monologue for the Ed Burns pilot. The results? Another solid episode. And what more could we expect from: Rufio Sneakers! Public Masturbation! Downtrodden Old People! Seriously, why am I not running the marketing department over at HBO?

Drama is freaking out about his 2 page monologue. Rightfully so, I wouldn't want to be the one who messes up those pearls of wisdom spewing from Ed Burns mediocre mind. Drama is doing the multiple outfit change thing, while Turtle is busting his balls, which Drama doesn't much appreciate. Turtle tells him not to worry - he probably won't have a panic attack. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN MENTION THAT!?!?! Apparently, Drama used to be prone to panic attacks. Turtle apologizes and gives him some pretty solid adviceon how to relax: Jerk off. Why do I have a feeling that this is probably Turtle's remedy for most problems? Jerk off or eat a sandwich, I'm guessing. When he's really stressed, probably both at the same time.

The guys start going their separate ways: Drama is skipping the jerk off to head for the set to meet with THE Jerk Off, while Eric is meeting Ari and old-time producer Bob, are going over to Paramount to pitch them the Ramones movie starring Vince as Joey Ramone (pardon me while I stop Joey Ramone from spinning in his grave).

Speaking of Vince, he is using his immense amounts of downtime to spend some face time with Turtle, who is going to use his Saigon hush money to buy himself some kicks. Sneakers you say? Lame! Yes, sneakers. But these aren't regular sneakers, they are magic sneakers designed by Fukijamas, a graffiti artist who designs one pair of Nikes every year. They only make about 200 pairs a year, and since Turtle is not only a Sneaker aficionado, but an art lover as well, he must have them. Oh wait, no, he's not any of those things. He's a jerk off mooch. My bad.

Ari and Eric get to the Paramount lot with no Bob in sight. Eric doesn't need his Hobbit sense of smell to notice something is fishy here. Ari didn't call Bob for the meeting. Again, Eric doesn't understand how things work in the business. Bob is a legend, he's protected, Ari says. Bringing him to the meeting would only screw things up. This is usually where I chide Eric for being so naïve, but I have to agree with his decision to bring Bob into the loop on this one. It's one thing to be an incompetent, transplanted B&T rat, but it's quite another to be a cockbag. Eric calls Bob and redirects him to the Paramount meeting. Bob may be old, but he knows when he's getting scallywagged.

Ari calms him down, saying it was all just a misunderstanding. Ari is visibly displeased with Bob's presence, however. On the other hand, Bob can feel no pain. He's super psyched to be having a sit down with his old friend Dawn Steele, the head of Paramount Studios. What's that? Oh. Yeah. Dawn Steele's been dead for a year. Bob checks his notes, and also crosses out a meeting with Walt Disney, John. F. Kennedy, and most oddly of all, Harriet Tubman.

Vince and Turtle get to the store where the line is wrapped down the street. Turtle explains to Vince the importance of these sneakers. Vince doesn't see how they are going to be able to get them if they have to wait on this huge line. That is the first phase of Turtle's one phase plan: Cut the line, because Vince is a movie star. Vince refuses, much to the pleasure of the crowd. Turtle can't believe it, but they head to the back of the line.

Drama's gotten to his shoot for the Ed Burns pilot, which by definition and casting is destined to suck. Drama is visibly shaken, and things are about to get worse. Not only for Drama but for a few million people who will tune into "Ed Burns Presents The Brothers McOneNote." Drama's monologue just got beefed up to a nice 3 minute speech; the whole scene is just Drama's face and the lens. Every actor's dream, yes, but also, every viewer's nightmare.

As the Three Amigos are waiting around in the lobby Dusty (Bob) is very nervous about the meeting, while Lucky (Ari) wants to do all the talking. Ned (Eric) is still choreographing My Little Buttercup in his head, and plans on saying nothing. Bob's brought some parlor tricks with him - deck of cards for magic tricks, hoop to light on fire for Circle of Death trick, you know the usual. After they agree that Ari will take the lead, Bob can't help himself but to jump in when the studio boss welcomes them in. He asks for a Sanka and takes over.

It's looking like Turtle is going to be shell-less as the store has run out of Fukijamas. One of the workers says that another store in Malibu still has them. The line quickly disburses, but Turtle is lagging behind. Woe-is-me. Oh snap out of it Eyeore. Vince asks Turtle why he didn't just set an alarm and get down there early like the rest of these people? I'm assuming it was because he was really nervous last night and ate a 6 foot hero and jerked off 65 times to calm his nerves. But no, it's because he's a lazy shit. Vince is still pretty pumped, he literally has nothing else going on, but Turtle is already defeated. There's no way that they can beat all these people to Santa Monica. Vince promises Turtle that if he stops the negativity, Vince will get him the sneakers. And if the sneakers don't pan out, the best Happy Ending massage money can buy.

Drama is in his trailer (cheers, Drama!) repeating his pre-monologue mantra: "You are not a pussy." I wouldn't put too much money on that horse, Drama. Incidentally, this is the same mantra that Oprah uses before every show. Weird. Burns then drops another bombshell on Drama. His whole entire three minute monologue is going to be done on the move. At least Burns has moved on from ripping off Woody Allen to ripping off Aaron Sorkin. Next thing you know he'll be cribbing notes from Carrot Top's act.

The meeting at Paramount is over with less than stellar results. They rejected the pitch: "You lost them at Sanka." Ari is angry - he never gets turned down in the room. That is unless the room is full of eligible women. Zing! Umnata - 1; Ari - 0. Ari then says something vulgar about whether or not Bob would be interested in his 22" cock (Umnata - 1; Ari - 22). Bob takes offense to this, and I agree with him. Bob might be a useless old fossil, but he is a legendary useless old fossil. Not to mention the fact that this is Bob's project in the first place. Ari should show him (anyone?) a little respect. Eric steps in with his huge, hairy Hobbit feet to mediate. While Bob is a legend, Ari does do this sort of thing on a daily basis, so maybe he should handle the next pitch. Bob agrees, but only because Eric is a "nice boy with kind eyes," which despite my best efforts, I find kind of touching. Even if Bob says it while stroking Eric's hair and cupping his testicles. I'm sorry I had to ruin the moment, if not, for every moment with genuine emotion or intellect, I lose points on my snark factor. Disney is the next stop. Bob is familiar with the place; he auditioned Cybill Shepherd there once: "Tons of talent; no underpants." It takes me a second to remember that while Cybil Shepherd is currently a wrinkly old hag, she was once one of the HOTTEST pieces of ass on the planet. Get yours, Bob!

Can we just take a moment to praise the irreplaceable, Martin Landau? Okay. Moment's over.

Vince and Turtle are on their way to procure some of the Fukijamas for Turtle. Vince is on hold with the store. They're looking for a size 10, but they only have one size 11. Vince asks them to put the shoes on hold, but the guy at the store can't do it, not even for Aquaman. However, if Vince were to show up at his sister's birthday party, then Vince would be like family. And the sneaker guy would do anything for family. Vince agrees, but as his part of the bargain, Turtle's got to tell him that he has juice. For some reason this makes me feel dirty.

Eric and Ari don't go to Disney, they head over to Universal. Apparently, there was no meeting at Disney, Ari just wanted to shake Bob. Eric thinks that was a real dickhead move, so he keeps trying to call Bob and get him over to the Universal lot. It's too late, though; Bob has already been told there is no drive-on for him at Disney. He misses Eric's calls and his shriveled old man heart breaks in two.

Ed Burns is banging on Drama's trailer door, who is too scared to come out. He notices a Maxim on the counter, and thinks about what Turtle said. You know about slinging the meat salami (please leave your favorite euphemism in the comments). Unfortunately for Drama, although he certainly knows his way around the Drama Club he doesn't think to unhook his mic before he starts pounding away. Without Drama realizing it, Ed Burns and the crew, including one random old lady, have heard his entire, err, performance.

Since we've recently identified Seth Green as Eric's arch nemesis, it seems that DJ AM is Turtle's enemy. I like it. DJ AM is also a sneaker connoisseur, and also only slightly relevant because of his association with a perplexingly popular celebrity (on-again, off-again fiancee Nicole Richie in the case of DJ AM). It seems that the guy at the store gave Turtle's shoes to DJ AM in exchange for getting his sister' s birthday party to be held at AM's club. Turtle totally hates his life! He loses his rapper, now his shoes. Turtle, bro, you've got a pretty sweet deal. And if you're going to start griping about your life, the rapper and shoes are the least of you problems, methinks. Vince is concerned that Turtle is mad at him, but he's not. He's just sad. Luckily, there was a wambulance close by to come pick Turtle up.

Ari and Eric leave their meeting with Universal pleased as punch. They got the movie green lit AND Ari secured Bob a great deal. Now Ari's plan is to call up Paramount and start a bidding war. They are so excited that they call up Bob to tell him the good news, but he doesn't pick up.

Drama completes his monologue for Burns and the crew. I love watching Kevin Dillon act as Johnny Drama trying to act. Hysterical. All Burns needs now is a few reaction shots from Drama. It's like an episode of Family Feud - SHOW ME ANGRY! SHOW ME SAD! SHOW ME EMBARRASSED! This last one gives Drama a little trouble. He needs some motivation. Ed Burns goes over to him and tells him that they all heard him petting his Trouser Snake, and BAM, Ed gets the embarrassed reaction shot he was looking for.

The boys reconvene back at the house where Drama is regaling them with tales of his masturbatory victory. Turtle is glad that rubbing one out led to winning over Ed Burns, but he's still sulking. The boys suggest a little hot boxing to cheer Turtle up, but he doesn't think that's a good idea, because it will make him cry. We don't see Turtle high nearly often enough, now that I think about it.

Turtle of course caves into the peer pressure and the boys are out to meet the hook up that Vince set up with the best weed in California. Oh my God. They are going to Nancy Botwin's house!?!?

It seems, they aren't going to Agrestic, but rather to meet up with a stylish Asian gang. Vince sends Turtle out with a brick of cash in an envelope. He is led inside by one of the Lost Boys and hands the money over to none other than RUFIO! Oh you remember Rufio don't you!?!?!

But he isn't Rufio at all, he's actually allusive designer Fukyomama!!! It seems that Vince's brick of money paid, not for drugs, but for Turtle's very own one-of-a-kind pair of Fukyomoma kicks of glory. Hurray! How did he design a sneaker and get it manufactured in a third world country and shipped back to the United States to give to Turtle within a few hours, I have no idea, but that's not the point. I don't know what the point is, so I'm just going to repeat this: RUFIO! RUFIO! RUUUUFFFFFIIIOOOOO!

In the car waiting for Turtle, Drama is trying to figure out how much Vince spent on the sneakers, guessing in the $5,000 range. Eric then receives a call from Lloyd putting him on a three-way call (but in his mind a very different kind of three-way) with Ari and Bob. Apparently, nobody fucks Bob. Well of course not bro. You're wicked old. After Bob realizes he was submarined (thanks for the terminology Rescue Me), by Ari and Eric at Disney, he headed on over to Warner Bros. to meet with his good friend Alan Grey, who sure does hate Vince and Ari. Grey Vadar snatched up the script, so now Vince is once again out of work. Turtle gets back to the car, all smiles, and notices everyone is bummed and don't really care about his new Fookies. Vince says"I just spent $20,000 on sneakers and I don't have a job."

What'd you think? Is Vince going to bounce back?

Posted by Umnata at 1:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)