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« August 2006 | Main | October 2006 »
ABC's telenovella experiment, Ugly Betty, was watched by 16.1 million people Thursday night, making it so far the most-watched new series of the fall season. Even more impressive: it was the best debut for ABC in that time slot (with a scripted show) since Matlock in 1995. So congratulations, ABC. You've finally found a worthy follow-up to Andy Griffith. We knew you could do it!
For more information about Thursday's ratings, click here.
But why the long wait you ask? Oh there's a reason. ABC has completely revamped the Lost season, and we even have a special Lost video revealing some of the biggest mysteries of the game before the season even starts. It's so good in fact, it may even be enough to hold us over for one more excruciating week. Find out more after the jump.
If you are a Lost fanatic like me you took with both relief and annoyance the announcement that the new season wouldn't start until October 4th. Annoying because it's so far into the fall season before it starts, but good because they have also decided to radically reorganize schedule so there will be no repeats. That's right this season Lost will be split into two "mini seasons" where we get a short 6 episode season starting October fourth ending with a big cliffhanger, then a 13 week hiatus while another show takes over its slot. Finally, Lost will return in February with it's remaining 16 episodes. Each "mini season" will have it's own narrative arc from beginning to end. A radical idea that I think will make for a better season. I am of course assuming that at some point during both these mini seasons Charlie will act like a prick, Kate will be a huge cokctease and Michael will call out for his son in an enthusiastic way.
Also, as many Lost fans know, this summer ABC have created a marketing campaign for the new season of Lost via an online webgame. I mentioned it some of my recaps from last season. Unfortunately I decided to spend my summer going to the beach and watching Project Runway and haven't had time to play it. I always thought I'd just wait until the end of August and play it all in one weekend. Unfortunately the game was time sensitive and many of the websites and clues given are already defunct. The game was a long complex one that utilized real world events, fake TV commercials, and fake websites. It also included some not so subtle commercial tie in's with Jeep, Sprite and Monster.com. And of course who can forget the excruciatingly bad fake TV interview on Jimmy Kimel Live. If you want the full intricacies of the Lost game revealed go here.
And of course of you cannot wait until next Wednesday, then I have something special for you, brought to my attention by TVgasm reader Staciatrix. One of the big "prizes" of the webgame is it reveals 70 disparate video clips that when put together through collection of 70 "glyphs" on the website www.hansoexposed.com (trust me, this game is complicated) it reveals a six and a half minute Dharma Initiative video clip.
The video is amazing. It reveals some of the biggest mysteries of the show so far. The video is hosted by the mysterious Alvar Hanso himself and tells us the history of the Dharma initiative, the reason for why it was created and what the purpose of it is. It also tells us, finally, what the numbers mean and why they have been broadcast over the airwaves of the pacific for the last 40 or so years.
Should be a great season. I can't wait.
When we ended the season last year, Clark killed Professor Fine, but his krypton father (Jor-el) told him to kill Lex. Killing Professor fine disabled him from doing damage, but in the meantime, it released General Zod, who was responsible for all the shit that happened on Krytpon. He was able to shutdown all of the electrical systems across the world, causing mass hysteria in Smallville and even causing the Luthorcorp plane to crash with Martha Kent and Lois inside. Clark went to stop Lex-Zod (how many times can people possess other people's bodies on this show before it gets old?), but Lex-Zod sent him to that weird crystal prison thing, which sucks, but what was even worse was that Chloe actually kissed Clark! Shortest love affair ever! We deserve more!
I know I was in the middle of a joke, but my friend wanted to go to Robek's to get some smoothies. If you don't know, Robek's is basically like wannabe Jamba Juice. I prefer Jamba Juice, but my friend gets all a twitter over the Acai at Robek’s. I got Strawnana Berry, but this also means I only have another 35 minutes to finish the recap.
Anyway, Metropolis looked like a war zone. The only scenario that can come close would be to see Philadelphia if any of their sports teams were to win a championship. It would be like putting a half off sign in front of the Zankou Chicken in Little Armenia.
Before all of the crazy shit went down, Lana decided that she was going to be with Lex forever and ever, 'til death and all that shit. Lana is probably aware that Lex had a lot of baggage, but she has no clue that Lex-Zod is such a bastard. She thinks that Lex has all this power and he should use it to help people, but Lex-Zod really just wants the world to end.
Meanwhile, what happened to Lois and Martha? Weren't you listening? I said that the plane crashed. They were flying from Kansas to Washington, but somehow found themselves on the side of some snowy mountain? Really, how does that happen? I was thinking to myself "That sucks", because crashing in the arctic is bad enough, but there also happens to be no electricity anywhere on the earth, so you're going to have to wait a long time to be rescued.
I was starting to think that Martha Kent was going to have to create a fire and eat one of Lois' legs to survive. Oh, and this just popped into my head, but if the writers need something funny to write about, how about telling the story of Lois and her breast implants? We can't just pretend that they don't exist can we? Back to the story, Martha didn't have to worry about cannibalism, because she might have landed in the arctic, but the crash placed her within walking distance of the fortress of solitude.
Martha drags Lois to the fortress, and she hears Jor-el's voice. Jor-el breaks it down how Clark fucked up, but basically killing Fine and releasing Zod was not good for the fortress. Jor-El knew that Clark was imprisoned, but gave Martha a way to kill Lex-Zod if she had to. And for his final trick, Zod teleported Lois and Martha back to Smallville.
Lana and Lex-Zod went home to Smallville, and Lex-Zod started talking about destroying the Earth to make it like Krypton. But first, he had to go to the pentagon. Lana decided that she didn't want to sit and do nothing while genocide is going on, unlike, say, the UN, and attempted to hit Lex-Zod over the head with a fire poker. Instead, Lex-Zod poked Lana, straight through the hand, impaling her against the wall and then leaving for Washington.
Lana manages to pull the poker out of her hand and gets to the Kent farm where she bumps into Martha and now Lionel. They are discussing how to kill Zod. Jor-el gave Martha a dagger that could kill Zod, the only problem being how to get close enough. Conveniently (I'm saying that a lot this episode, so get used to it) Lana was able to solve that problem. She goes back to the Luthor Mansion, where Lex has started the electricity on the Earth again, because he needs to be able to control a secret pentagon satellite that can, I guess, destroy all life on earth and cause earthquakes and what not.
Where were we? Oh yes. Lana tries to seduce Lex-Zod, and is doing a pretty good job. Lex-Zod said she didn't have to die if she gave him an heir. Unfortunately, as they were getting down to business, it was Lana who shot her was a little too early, and tried to stab Lex-Zod before he was distracted enough. He catches her, breaks the dagger in half and is about to kill her when (yes, VERY conveniently) Clark shows up.
BUT WHERE THE HELL WAS HE?
Clark was imprisoned in that crystal, which looked like a tight space, but it really was simply a gateway to an entirely different dimension. Immediately, he is attacked by some strange phantom looking things. Luckily, there is somebody there to save him, unluckily, after that person saves him, they kick him in the face. The person, who turns out to be a woman, Raya, played by the lovely Pascale Hutton, takes him back to her place and tends to his wounds. Clark finds out that she used to be her father's assistant and also helped build the prison that they are in.
Sorry, I was having a really good IM conversation with another friend about creating a new holiday so we could get out of having to go to work on Yom Kippur without having to, you know, give up pork chops and driving your car on Saturdays.
Clark reaches the Luthor mansion in time to stop Lex-Zod from killing Lana, but Lex-Zod is not a pussy. In fact, he can kind of kick Clark's ass. Actually, he is beating up Clark so badly, he actually crushes a boulder using Clark's head. It gets so bad that when Lex-Zod offers Clark a way to save his loved ones (by pledging allegiance to Zod), Clark takes him up on his offer. I was really upset that Clark gave up so easily, but Clark had a trick up his sleeve. When Lex-Zod asked Clark to kneel and take his hand and pledge an oath, Clark kneeled and placed a special crystal in Zod's hand instead. Zod is vanquished from Lex's body, presumably to the alternate prison dimension from late in the episode.
Next, Clark goes to Chloe. They talk about their awkward kiss, and Chloe says "it was the end of the world, it's not like we have to hook up", but you can see in Clark's eyes that he does want to hook up, and you can see in Chloe's eyes that she would so get naked and do it on he desk if he wanted to, but Clark is his pussy self and agrees. And Jimmy Olsen is there to be all geek-debonair and sweep Chloe off her feet for a date at the vending machines.
However, the worst part of it all is that Clark went back to the fortress, but it's not really a fortress if his dad isn't there telling him what to do. Now he's lost, both of his fathers are gone, he can't talk to Lex, Lana, or even Chloe, and, oh, did I mention that when he teleported back here, he took some of the creatures from the Phantom Dimension back with him? The first one showed up in Patagonia, but I am sure more will follow.
What did you think of this episode?
So, yeah. I'd have loved to drop this show, but how could I abandon the very show that made me TVgasmic in the first place? I couldn't! After the aborted fetus that was last season, Desperate Housewives can only get better, right? They've gotten rid of the Applewhites, the Youngs, put Mike in a coma and given KimerBree a suitable, probably murderous paramour, so things seem like they must be on an upswing. I'm only hoping that the return of creator Marc Cherry to day to day duties will bode well for the show and that no one will be locking anyone up in any basements. This being Wisteria Lane, though, I guess I shouldn't get my hopes up too high. Let's see what episode one has in store for us, shall we? Sidenote: I've been waiting for almost a year to be able to use a Eurythmics song as a title for a recap. Score one for Umnata and 80's New Wave!
Sooo... they decided to stick with the Mary Alice voiceovers. That's an "interesting" creative choice. We'll just deal with it; at least we don't have to see the Amazonian Brenda Strong. Gross. Apparently, Malice is taking us on a who's who of the surrounding area, starting and finishing with Alma and her husband... ORSON!??!?!?! You remember Orson, the creepy dentist we all thought was courting Susan, especially after he ran down Mike with his car last season, but was really after Bree? No? Well, it doesn't matter, because here we are years ago, watching Alma on the day that she decides she's going to leave her nutso husband. It's actually a throwback to the Pilot episode, as we watch Alma do all her chores right before she attempts to leave her husband, just as Malice did all her chores before blowing her brains out. It seems as though Orson is not only crazy, he's Patrick Bergen from Sleeping with the Enemy, as he has very specific directions as to how the groceries should be put away, how the laundry should be done, and, I'm sure, how his wife should service him orally.
Now Malice, heads on over to Wisteria Lane 6 months ago, where it is raining. And wouldn't you know it? Malice has something very deep and profound to say about the rain. I won't repeat it, mostly because I didn't take note of it, due to huge levels of inanity. Oooh look! There's KimberBree and Orson making out in the rain! How romantic? But how is Marcia Cross' face not melting off? I thought that she was NOT to be diluted for more than 3 minutes at a time? Next up: Gabby meeting with her divorce lawyer, as ChowMein, her maid/slave/husband's lover/baby mama is cleaning up near by. Jeez, those Asians sure have a strong work ethic. We also get a chance to see Lynette meet Tom's illegitimate daughter, Kayla, for the first time accompanied, of course by her mother, Nora, or as I'll be calling her from now on, The Babe. No, not because she is super hot, but because she's the kinda gal who probably says: "Hey Babe!" every time she sees someone. Lastly, there is slapstick stalwart, Susan hanging out in Mike Delfino's hospital room, tending to her comatose lovvvvvver.
It looks we're not going to leap into the present yet, as we catch a glimpse of Edie preparing Mary Alice's old house for an Open House. Don't worry, Nicolette Sheridan shaved her beard especially for the occasion. And this bodes well for Paul Young's continued incarceration and the unsettlingly creepy Zach to stay on the House on Haunted Hill and out of sight for a good long while. You see according to Mary Alice theeee RAIN helps make every.thing. clean.AGAIN. WHY DOES SHE TALK LIKE THAT!?!?!
Why hellllllllo Mrs. McClusky! My favorite Octogenarian crush pops up early this season. And that's not the only thing that's popping up if you know what I mean. RRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Anyways, besides sexually arousing me, the old bag is there to ward off people from buying the house and eat Edie's sandwiches. Edie is none too pleased so she kicks the GILF out on the street. You may be on the street, Mrs. M, but you will always have a place in my dreams!
The potential for comic gold to be mined from the vision of spoiled Gabrielle waiting hand and foot on her bed-rest ridden surrogate mother/maid is almost endless. As a matter of fact, Gabby gets two of the best lines in the episode during this scene, when ChowMein starts making demands about crackers and foot rubs (it seems she has learned a few things from her master about being a deuchebag). When Gabrielle refuses to give ChowMein a foot rub ChowMein calls her "meanest person I know!" Gabrielle is frustrated: "I am THE meanest person. You've been in this country for a year! Modify your nouns!" Grammar jokes are THE best, which is ironic to anyone who reads my recaps... ChowMein retorts: "What bitch," bringing out the true Latina fire in our Mrs. Solis, promising ChowMein that when she pops out that baby, she'll be back in China on all fours on a rice patty so fast her head will spin! Oh wait, I'm sorry, racist jokes are the best! ChowMein is frightened and angry because Gabby had promised to find her a husband in Chinatown.
So here we are, halfway through the first episode of Desperate Housewives and let's take stock. Susan hasn't annoyed me yet, Bree is engaged to her alter ego, KimberBree's, soul mate, there's been lots of The Babe, Gabrielle is flinging around racial slurs, Edie hasn't flashed us her testicles and no one is locked in a basement. Looking good.
Perhaps I spoke to soon. Enter Dougray Scott, who is Ian, predictably British and foppish and charming. Poor guy, not only is his wife in a coma and he is smitten with Susan Mayer, but all I think about when I look at him is how he was the original Wolverine. That's right! Prince Charming form Ever After was supposed to play Wolverine in the original X-Men, but because of schedule delays on Mission: Impossible 2 (where Dougray played the bad guy) he had to drop out of playing Wolvie, thus introducing the world to Hugh Jackman (you bastard!). Flash Forward 6 years and he's a guest star on Desperate Housewives as Susan's love interest. Ouch.
At the Scavo house, Lynette and TomNoBalls are getting ready for Parker's birthday party. I think Parker is the younger one who's only slightly evil, not like the twins who are older and completely evil. TomNoBalls asks Lynette if she invited his bastard daughter to the party and she says yes, but she lied to The Babe, so she wouldn't attend as well. TomNoBalls doesn't like this one bit, saying that it's just going to cause The Babe to fly off the handle. Lynette takes this opportunity to remind us why she can be so damned irritating, even if Felicity Huffman is playing her: "So you're saying you are more scared of her than you are of me?" What does that even mean? Is that like, a thing, between married couples? The one who frightens you the most is the one you have to be with? If so I guess I need to find Leelee Sobieski's phone number...
Susan and Ian are having a "smoothie date" at the hospital where both their significant others are in comas. They are in Ian's wife, Jane's room and Ian is in the bathroom washing his hands, and asking Susan out on a date. Susan, of course, has a mishap and spills her smoothie all over Jane. As far as Susan hijinks are concerned this one isn't so bad. It's charming in an off-handed sort of way, in fact. However, I'm pretty sure she just didn't want to eat the smoothie because of the fat content of fruit. Susan says she isn't ready for a date just yet, but she'll let him know.
At Parker's birthday party, The Babe calls up Lynette and hears the party going on in the background. The Babe is totally pisst off about this, even though Lynette tries to cover and say there is nothing going on. This leads to a mad dash to bring the party across the street to Gabrielle's (although she's not home), as Lynette knows that The Babe will be over any minute. Lynette is right, as The Babe shows up all crazy-like searching for remnants of a party. She comes up short until some fat kid comes out of the bathroom with his face painted asking for the pony. It's always the fat kid who ruins everything. Believe me, I know. The Babe and Lynette race across the street, but Lynette won't let her into the party. The Babe starts screaming for Kayla, and threatens to make her leave. At least there is SOMEONE on this show who is a worse mother than Lynette. Kayla doesn't want to leave, and TomNoBalls finally puts his foot down on the matter. The Babe caves but swears she'll be back! Then she disappears into a cloud of smoke.
I guess I must've dosed off because suddenly ChowMein is missing and Carlos and Gabby are both looking for her. They go to Chinatown to meet her friend, who doesn't want to give up ChowMein's location. Apparently, ChowMein told her friends about the lovely "rice patty" comment Gabby made, and it didn't have the same delightful zing with the Asian gang as it did with me. Later, Gabby drops Carlos off at his apartment, and complains about her life. ChowMein is going to have their baby and go off and live the American dream. But what about Gabby's Latin-American dream?
At Bree's place, she and Orson are just finishing up dinner and Orson is getting a wee bit frisky. He thinks that since they are engaged that they can finally play hide the salami. Wrong-o, buddy! Bree is no Elizabeth Berkley, and she won't give it up to you in a pool!
Susan is lying in Mike's bed, and I can't help but think of the second craziest person on the ABC lineup, Izzie from Grey's Anatomy, snuggling up with the very dead Denny. Oh well, Susan is asking Mike for his permission to date Ian. She says that she'd love for him to just spring awake and say no. She actually tries to act a little bit, and it doesn't come off as badly as you'd think. Alas, Mikey is still a big vegetable, so she takes that as a sign that she can date Ian.
The ladies have all congregated at Bree's house for the big party/announcement. This scene is mostly worth noting because Julie is in it, and I have a crush as inappropriate as my one on Mrs. McClusky on Julie. She doesn't speak in the scene, but that's okay with me. I like my women two ways: Old and quiet or young and quiet.
There's a knock on the door and, gasp, it's Laurie Metcalf! Uh oh! Bree mistakenly invites her in, and she of course starts letting everyone at the party know that Orson is a killer. Well we don't know for sure that he killed anyone, but it seems pretty darn likely. Before Laurie is kicked out she warns that she will go missing one day soon, as well.
The episode is over and we know that because Malice is back telling us that with rain comes the hope that everything will be washed away clean again. Whatever, Malice.
The parting shot is a construction site where we see a body buried in the dirty. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN.
So there we have it the first episode of life on Wisteria Lane. Sure, it's basically the first season all over again, but remember how much better the first season was then the second? Let's count our blessings people!
It occurred to me last Wednesday when Project Runway was a repeat that it was the one and only repeat of the season, which worked out perfectly for me since I was in L.A. with the rest of the jaded Hollywood TVgasm crew and their jewel encrusted Sidekicks. You have to appreciate a show that doesn't leave you hanging with numerous season-stretching repeats. And the one repeat they did have was at the crucial moment before the big fashion show in New York, timed so we could spend a week debating who out of the final 4 was the decoy. Bravo, Bravo. Bravo.
But this week Project Runway is back, and it's a special episode. We finally get to find out who goes to Bryant Park, and since it's the second to last episode (not including the reunion special) it gives me the opportunity to use penultimate in a sentence. And if that wasn't exciting enough, stories are now out that Jeffrey may be disqualified for cheating in his final runway show for outsourcing his sewing. So how much drama was in this episode? Eh, actually not a whole lot after we found out what the big twist was. Read all about it after the jump.
In more evidence that we have come to the home stretch the episode starts with a quick two minute recap of the season so far. Angela's insanity, Vincent's masturbating and Kayne's floppy man tits. All images come flooding back. After the brief walk down memory lane, the show then goes to the morning after the last elimination. We see Uli waking up all alone in the bedroom. Angela's boner destroying hippie sack is now just a memory. A horrifying blood curdling memory. In the boys apartment Jeff nudges Michael saying it's time to wake up and "time to fight". Obviously he doesn't mean literally since he's a pudgy former junkie who prefers to pick fights with middle aged women. Michael would eat him alive. No, this fight is more of a metaphorical fashion like fight. Jeff doesn't win those either.
Then we hear Jeff talking about the final challenge and his chances of advancing. "Each of us does something very specific. If you like peasant blouses, big and flowy, Uli's in, if you like run of the mill friendly fashion them Michaels in, and if you like mothballs and chicken soup then Laura's in." OK, I get that Jeffrey is a self conscious asshole who needs to validate his own shitty talent by disparaging others, but "moth balls and chicken soup"? That's a little too random even for me. I mean I enjoy chicken soup and mothballs perform a valuable function. But aybe he means Mothballs and chicken soup. But that's just gross. Who would even like that? Oh Jeff, your metaphors confuse and frighten me!
From there we cut to everyone getting ready for their big day. Laura has got her messed up morning hair going, and it looks much better than the stern schoolmarm slicked back hair look she's been sporting all season. Add in the fact that the t-shirt she is wearing has a neckline that is above her navel and she is barely recognizable(shes wearing a Blogging Project Runway T-shirt which begs the question: Wheres the TVgasm love? When will we get a t-shirt shout out?). She is of course still riding high from her recent win.
On the runway they are met by Heidi as always. This next challenge is the big one she says. It will decide who makes fashion week, and who makes fashion week as the decoy (although they don't ever say that). 
The whole experience is made more immediate by the image of just 4 designers sitting before her. It's finally come to this. Heidi says that she will not tell them what their challenge is. Instead they will go meet with Nina Garcia at Elle magazines headquarters tomorrow, located oddly enough across the hall from Cracked Magazine World Headquarters. And then Heidi brings us to the most heart wrenching moment of the show. Time for the model elimination. With Kayne gone it leaves my early pick, and current celebrity girlfriend Amanda, out in the cold.
Laura sticks with Camilla but Uli goes for the upset and steals Nazri away from Michael. Uli is playing for keeps. Michael is then forced to go with Clarissa, so that just leaves Jeff. Will he save Amanda from certain death? And by death I mean getting voted off a reality show, since we all know that that is the worst pain any human can ever got through ever. Alas no. he goes with his same lame model from before and the rest of the models are sent packing. Light packing though since all they have is a black slip. Of all the Aufs in all the world, Amanda's auf was the toughest auf of all. I've been batting 1.00 with my redheaded models on this show. This is a tough loss. Godspeed Amanda. Shine on, you crazy diamond...
They are to create an outfit of their choice that must convey their point of view as a designer. They want them to communicate a story to them. They have total creative freedom. Uli is thrilled. No more garbage dresses, no more "use every piece of fabric you have" crappy rules. Its all on them now. Nina then gives them some sheets of paper and tells them they have to choose 3 words to describe who they are as fashion designers. Uli then scribbles down "Party, vasted and Herr Grubenfuhmer".
Later In the workroom Tim, well I call him Tim since we are BFF, comes by fill them in on the rest of the challenge. They have 30 minutes to sketch and a budget of 250 dollars. Jeff wants to toss all the judges preconceptions out the window. Does this mean he will make something that doesn't suck? A radical notion, but will it pay off? Jeff then describes himself as a romantic so he decides to go with the colors Red White and Blue. America, the land of romance. But then again it's also the colors of the French flag, and France invented the whole awesome idea of sticking your tongue inside another persons mouth, so maybe it's a little of both. Uli sketches at least 4 different dresses and is so confused as to which way to go that she decides to wait until she gets to Mood before she makes her final choice. Laura decides to go a little safe and just do what she does best but do it better then ever. Well, since she's already pregnant I'm assuming she's referring to her clothes and not getting pregnant again, cuz shes really good at that. Michael says that he wants to go with a sketch that had a wow factor, but none of his sketches have that wow factor so he is getting nervous. From here its off to Mood (sniff, last time I'll type that sentence all year). When Uli spots a wacky tie dye print she creams her lederhosen. She now knows what she'll do. When saw the print she then tells us that it is "Colorful! Flowy! Uli!" Amen sister. Amen.
When they get back to the workroom, Michael is still stumped. He's forced to go back to sketching. Not a good sign. Meanwhile Jeffrey is continuing to do his trademark diary room insults. This time he's picking on Laura, the woman who decided to get married and raise a large loving family while Jeffrey was sitting in his own shit in a gutter shooting up heroin. Jeffrey then explains why he is better than Laura. She can't design he says. She doesn't have the range that he has. And worst of all, she has 5 kids yet hasn't bothered to tattoo any of their names on her body, this proving that she doesn't love them as much as Jeffrey loves his kid. I myself only tattoo my favorite foods on my body, which explains why I have a giant Taco Bell Santa Fe Gordita tattoed on my ass. Was that too much information?
While Uli is busy with her Uliesque print (even going so far as having Jeffrey try it o and frolic around the workroom just like dear old Grandpa Meinhard used to do back in Stuttgart) Michael is still in a brain freeze. Then it hits him. "Sexy, sensual sophistication!" he beams. Michaels epiphany is further emphasized by the radical up tempo music. It's the kind of music I hear in my head when I get in that blogging "zone" after I struggle with how to insert another crude cooter joke into a recap.
Soon Tim comes by. He's surprised by Jeffrey's choices. Jeffrey tells Tim its reminiscent of a dress that he once made that was so beautiful that it made people cry. I only believe the last 3 words of that sentence. At Laura's station she is worried that's she's being too safe and too cautious. Tim tells her that she can't be safe. She has to wow them. Maybe not move them to tears, because only Jeffrey is that talented, but wow them. At Michaels station Tim shows some concern. "It can't just be a pretty dress" he explains. This is a window on what he'll do at fashion week and he needs to keep that in mind. Michael nods in agreement and gets to work. At Uli's station she is having the same fears as the rest of the designers. She's afraid of being to predictable. Tim once again drills it into their head to surprise the judges but still keep it you. "Don't bore Nina"!! he pleads, making me think that at some point in the past Tim bored Nina and had to pay the harsh penalty.
With one hour to go Uli has a meltdown of sorts and decides to start from scratch. She starts shredding the dress she has and will start over. By having the producers put this in the episode it either means Uli wins or she gets sent home. Laura exclaim "go for it Ul's!" Ul's. I like that. But in her diary room interview Laura is concerned that Uli doesn't know what she wants.
The next morning everyone gets up bright and early. Uli is so concerned that she starts to slip in and out of third person. "Uli is in deep trouble today, because I vasted whole day which turned out to be totally wrong. " If she drifts into using the royal we, then you'll know she's really f*cked. In the workroom Tim asks them to grab their one sheet and gather round. He's got more stuff on the days challenge. The winner of this challenge will have their dress photographed by some pretentious French photographer whose name I can't pronounce much less spell, and their dress featured in Elle's "First Look" page. This sends them into convulsions. Oh but he's not done yet. Soon they will fit their models and have an hour to photograph them on the streets of New York! OK, not sure how awesome that is, but I'm rolling with it. The photos need to convey their story. This also means however that they have to be done by 5pm, 6 hours before schedule. So they are now doubling there efforts in the workroom.
While everyone is working Jeffrey takes a short break to watch a small video on his phone of his son walking. Jeffrey being Mr. Rock and Roll starts to blubber like a baby. I'm sorry but crying at some grainy internet video of your kid? Guys don't cry at internet videos unless it's someone like this dude, or the sad, desperate and utterly authentic cry for help that is LonelyGirl15.
In the workroom Uli tells us that she loves pressure. She eats it like candy. Laura thinks Jeff is taking a big risk with his dress and Jeff is aware that there is no bottom two this time. You're either in or out. From there we are brought to our emotionally empty Amanda-less model fitting. Michael has no straps finished on his dress so he is forced to pin them down. Laura is tired and "practically blind" from beading everything in sight. Plus the whole pregnant thing I suppose makes things tougher for her.
After the rushed model fitting they are given digital cameras and sent off to take pictures. Michael goes as far as..... the Atlas lobby. Jeff goes to Central Park. "The provocation and the irreverence to me are all in the fabrication" he says. Wow, looks like someone got a thesaurus for Christmas. He considers his dress as having that advantageous inspirational, celebrational, muppetaitonal supercalifragilicousexpealidocousness that the other designers lack. Laura has a little more trouble herself with an aborted elevator picture when the elevator refuses to cooperate. She instead just gets a generic "hailing a taxicab" picture in Times Square. Uli meanwhile is all about tthe adventure and goes to..you guessed it, Times Square.
When they get back to the workroom Tim tells them its time to choose their magic 3 words. Laura picks "Glamour, Confidence and Elegance", Jeff goes with "Romantic, Irreverence and Provocative" and Uli goes with "Fun, Life and Adventure". She was originally going to go with "Food, Folks and Fun" but that's already being used. Michael goes with the three S's "Sexiness, Sultriness and Sensuality". Jeff's reaction to that is to call it "stupid". Clearly Michael doesn't understand the fabricated irreverence of his provocation.
The next morning everyone is up bright and early as always. It's runway day! And the final runway day. Laura is quite beat down with the whole experience and wants to just get throught the day. When they get to the workroom Tim greets them on what is their last day in said workroom. Tim tells them all ow proud he is of each and every one of them (sniff..) and then sends in the models for their fitting and makeup. Time to knock the judges designer socks off.
On the Runway Heidi comes out and it's clear she was saving her best outfit for last. Girl is rockin the boobies. Shes bringing some décolletage up in this mofo. I wold give anything if shes just randomly started doing jumping jacks. After she briefly explains the challenge its time for the show
Jeffrey's comes out and it looks like a big pair of French knickers. But Rock and Roll knickers! Laura's dress is beautifully well made, but other than color, it is virtually indistinguishable form her last dress. And again with the plunging neckline. But then again, her last dress was the winner and the judges loved it, so it 's hard to tell how the judges will react. After the Alison debacle I've realized you can never predict what these crazy judges will do. On Heidi that works, but c'mon, I've seen enough skinny model sternums to last me a lifetime. Uli's outfit is a big step forward. Not so much in the colors as it's the same Uli crazy print, but the design of the dress is a lot different than what were used to. Michael is kind of a typical boring Michael evening gown but without the usual Michael oomph. Michael however, loves it. "I even made a white girl look like she had some ass, that's how damn sexy my dress is". he says.
They love Uli's. They like how she has gone with a completely new shape to the dress. Nina agrees. They also love her front "mini keyhole" that showing just a bare hint of skin.
Then its Jeff. They don't like his at all. He explains to the judges that he likes to create things that have sort of an "heirloom" feel to it. Call it "Rock and Roll Hummel" if you will. Kors doesn't thinks its provocative at all, he thinks it's a little too "pretty". Heidi doesn't think it looks sophisticated or edgy at all. It looks very milkmaid to her.
When the judges deliberate the big theme is how disappointed they all are with everyone's choices. Every one other than Uli that is. When they bring the designers back out they start by announcing the winner. And the winner is.... Uli! Wow! I am amazed. Not because it was a bad dress but because I thought for sure she was the decoy in the show. Looks like I was wrong. Then Laura is told that she is safe. But with a warning from Heidi that she does not want to see 20 plunging necklines. OK, she was my #2 choice for being the decoy, so I'm not doing to well on that front, but the good news is my final 3 is so far completely intact.
This leaves just Jeffrey and Michael. At this point I am confident I got the hat trick. Jeff's clearly made yet another piece of crap, and the judges have loved Michael all along so they are more willing to overlook one of his rare duds. But then the unexpected happens. No one is out. All four will be showing at fashion week. There will be no decoy. Wow. I am pissed. Jeffrey has been in the bottom two and close to elimination for his crap for weeks and weeks. And now because of a quirk in this seasons judging he gets to completely luck his way into showing at Fashion week. Damn, I would have rather seen Angela's stuff at Bryant Park. At least that would have been n more entertaining. And of course this also means Emmett wasn't lying to me when I talked to him in NY and he said he didn't think there would be a decoy. Ah well, with that we have our final 4, and Tim for one is thrilled. He has been dreading sending someone up to the workroom all night, and now he doesn't have to!
So what did everyone think? Do you like the idea of having all 4 show at Fashion week? Do you think Jeffrey got in by default?
Before I get into the heart of my recap, let me take a little time to talk about the new intro. As I mentioned last week, Tyra admitted that it was her own voice belting out the lyrics to the ANTM theme song. I don't what to say about the actual quality of the song or anything, but if you're anything like me, you have absolutely no problem hearing Tyra say "You wanna be on top?" over and over again. Week after week. Year after year. It's almost as if she was right there on the couch next to me when I'm watching... ahhh... Oh where were we? Anybody else need a cold shower?
As far as first episode eliminations go, Chrisitan is probably among the top three, but let's be honest, we are pretty much used to this shit by now, aren't we? Melrose was very happy, as you would expect, but being so close to elimination put her in tears. I think that most of the girls were just happy that they didn't have to face elimination, but Monique was not buying into this whole "tears" thing. She said that Melrose's tears weren't real and that overall Melrose was very fake. Melrose might not be one of my favorites, but I don't think that she has come off as fake. Monique, on the other hand, is just piling up the bitchy stats. If ANTM was a football game, her helmet would have a bunch of those merit stickers, as long as they gave merit stickers for being a huge bitch.
Our first Tyra mail of the day informed the girls that Tyra needs two glasses of freshly squeezed orange juice every morning to get her through the day. Looking at Tyra these days, I think she is washing that OJ down with some bacon, but overall, pretty good words to live by. The rest of the message informed the girls that they would be going somewhere for breakfast early in the morning. I am sure that there are many out there enlist the aid of an alarm clock to make sure they get up with enough time to look their best, and for the most part society has learned to live with the minor drawbacks of alarm clocks because we would rather not be late for work, dentist visits, or mystic tan appointments. Monique is not one of those people.
After taking the proper time to primp and whatnot, the girls made their way to the Oliver Cafe in Beverly Hills. This is usually one of the places where the producers drop an unexpected Tyra visit on us, unleashing the banshee screams of all the girls. Instead, we got a visit from the JV squad, namely Jay Manuel and Miss J. Jay seems to have a little more say in what's going on, and as you know from my recap last week, I think some of the power has gone to his head. He tells them to draw on their life experiences to motivate their modeling, noting that the most difficult emotion to establish in a photo is vulnerability. If you can channel vulnerability, it will show in your photos. Nice words of advice and everything, but couldn't they have dusted off some old model and had her say all this? NIki Taylor is up and walking, right? Why not ask her?
However, most of the talk was about their makeovers, or lack thereof. Miss J made the comment that the girls are always so excited about their makeovers, but there is always somebody crying by the end of the episode. Jaeda heard this and said she was ready, she even said that they could cut off all of her hair and she wouldn't care. Actually she said they could shave her bald! Hmm, I wonder what the chances are that she gets a really short haircut and starts to cry?
I thought the next step would be the salon, but the girls made a trip back to their house instead. Conveniently, Tyra was waiting for them there, and even more conveniently, they put an entire salon where their living room used to be! I guess having a salon in your living room is useful when you are model, but couldn't they have simply gone to an actual salon and used their living room for something better? Why not put in some artificial turf? That way you would never be more than a few moments away from a bitching game of indoor lawn bowling. Why lawn bowling? Because it's much easier than explaining to your mother what happened to the hardwood floors in the living room after you and your sister tried a modified version of petanque.
Oh, and if you ever want to take a look at the internet circa 1996 (I mean, other than a myspace page), then take a look at the official page forLawn Bowling in America. Aren't you happy that the American Lawn Bowls Association and the American Women's Lawn Bowls Association have now merged? I think we can all sleep easier now knowing that the dream of gender equality is alive and well, and all it takes is some grass and a set of Bocce balls.
This edition of Top Model makeovers featured a little something extra. In order to give the girls a better idea of what they would look like after their makeovers, every one of Tyra's makeover explanation was accompanied by an artists rendition of the finished style. The styles were: Merlrose - platinum blonde, Brooke - dark brown, Eugena - hair extensions, Megan - shorter hair and blonde, Anchal - shorter and with layers, Monique - basically the same, Caridee - less actress-y and a weave, AJ - Linda Evangelista 1992, Megg - longer with more frizz, Michelle - red head, Amanda - fire engine red.
And then there was Jaeda. They saved her for last, so you know it would be a big change, and she should be careful what she wishes for, because Tyra decided that Jaeda would look best with a Halle Berry hair cut. In other words, very short. I mentioned last week that Jaeda had a little Halle Berry in her, so they should clearly hire me for the show. Jaeda must not have been as ready for it all as she had bragged, because almost immediately she started crying. Part of it was the hair, but part if it had to be the fact that Tyra called Jaeda the most handsome model that they have, not something that you want to hear being, you know, a woman. Tyra went on to explain that those handsome features meant she had good bone structure, but I don't think it helped.
Jaeda wasn't the only one who had a lot of problems with her new look. Melrose complained, showing that diva attitude she promised to hide last week, and Jay told her that it would help her look younger and fresher. Since Melrose currently looks about as young a (dead) Gabor sister and as fresh as month-old chicken vindaloo leftovers. You can't argue with the results though. Melrose looked at least five years younger, meaning that she would probably get carded again, at least when she was requesting the senior citizen's discount.
AJ was a little upset that her hair was too light and that it was much softer than before when she was used to angles, but I thought it was good. The twins had complaints, but really, is that any surprise? I mean, Tyra called Amanda mousy, so you think that she would be happy with a new look. But no, they were offended because they wouldn't be able to switch places and play tricks on people, like ANTM was their middle school social studies teacher.
While I still think he has been a huge diva bitch during this season, Jay did make a good point about the makeovers. They are really not asking them to do anything that would not be required of them at some point in their career. No model keeps the same look forever. And unless you are the owner of the magazine where your pictures are going and the agency that is out getting you gigs, some people are going to ask you to make changes, and you will have to live with them. It's not like he brought a van full of Fantastic Sam's stylists and told them to go to work. The stylist, Frederick Fakkai, is at the top of the game, and also is a dead ring for the love child of Jimmy Smits and Sylvester Stallone. The only person who had to go through actual pain was Anchal, because they were raising her hair line. Other than that, why should any of them complain?
I would think that being picked on as a child would make you slightly sensitive to other people, or maybe even make you a better listener. Instead I guess Monique simply took all of those insults as turned them into mental scars. And by the way, I don't want to take sides, but I am surprised Monique's siblings stopped at Blacula. But perhaps "Have you ever met my sister Monique, She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, She's a mean old bitch, she has stupid hair, She's a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch Bitch, bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. She's a stupid bitch, Monique's a bitch, And she's such a dirty bitch" doesn't quite roll of the tongue as easily, and "You're a poopy pants" can apply to anyone really.
For this week's photo shoot, the girls were told to wig out. That obviously meant something about crazy hair, right? But wait until you saw exactly how crazy. The theme was "Does the hair wear you, or do you wear the hair" and out came Mr. Little, Lisa B, and, I shit you not, Weaven Steven. WTF? Where's Curlin' Merlin the Permin' German? And the Dreadlockin Justin, the Wonder from Down Under? OK, I just made those names up, but seriously, those folks were hair entertainers. I would try and explain what that means, but read this article which can actually teach you something and I won't have to worry about researching hair entertaining and falling out of my chair and dying from laughter.
So, the girls got all of thses crazy dos, and the purpose was to see how well they could stand out with all of the distraction from the props. I thought the shoot was an interesting concept, but really, the hair was kind of distracting. Most girls had parts that would move, and I thought that while some had imagination, some just looked shitty and unprofessional. The judges liked several of the pictures, but overall I think this was one of the lames shoots ever. Why give them makeovers and then cover them up for the first shoot? Simply idiotic. Boo Tyra. Booooo!
The girls were meeting the judges soon, but that still meant there was plenty of time for Monique to do something crazy. In this case, she reached under her towel (she had just been in the pool), and then flung the wetness onto Melrose's face. Melrose was calling it the grossest thing ever, but when you can be killed by a bag of spinach, I think there is worse. However, it was the strangest of episodes, and you really get the feeling that Monique is more than just a bitch; she's unstable.
Meeting with the judges, all of the girls got some small critiques on their makeovers. Did I mention how much I thought this shoot was stupid and I wish we got to see more of their makeovers already? So, it shouldn't come as any surprise that the girls the judges thought had the most dramatic makeovers were Melrose and Brooke, because they had the color changes. I think they also liked Jaeda, but you could tell the short hair was still bothering her, and Tyra basically told her if she doesn't think she can rock it, then she should go home. Finally, I think they were really pleased with AJ, because the whole goth thing wasn't working for them.
I have really noticed that Tyra's has started to embrace the flawed and funky even more so this cycle than ever before. And you can't talk flawed and funky without talking about Michelle and Amanda. Both of their makeovers did a lot of good because the only thing their hair was good for was perhaps Halloween wigs for people dressing up as the wicked witch of the west. Now, it's palatable. They photograph well, but I think they are both pretty dull. They are not models, they are a gimmick, and I wish we didn't have to sit through it. However, I have to be fair and give them props for their photos, which I would actually call the best of the bunch, even though Melrose was called first. Don't get me wrong, their eyes are too close together and their ears are too big to win this thing, but their photographs are too strong to let them go now.
I don't think there was a lot separating the next group of names called. AJ, Caridee, Brooke, Eugena, Megg, and Monique all had average pictures that weren't that memorable. However, if I were Caridee and Eugena, I'd be a little more worried. Nigel said that Caridee looked like a drag queen, and the photographer said that Eugena was difficult on set and didn't respond to the photographer's feedback. As for Megg, I think that it's great that she has enthusiasm, but enthusiasm can only get you so far.
If you're trying to figure out in your head who I haven't named, it was Jaeda and Megan. Some of you might not have cared, but these were my two favorites. Then again, neither of them did anything to prove to me this week that they deserve to win this competition. Both had short hair, and both basically had the same problem, which was bringing emotion to the camera. It was going to come down the old argument of who has the most potential. And the judges decided that Jaeda had the most potential, and I have to agree.
What did you think about this episode? Did Megan deserve to go home? What did you think of the makeovers? Who do you want to win the competition?
Total scandal on Laguna Beach this week! Kyndra was all like "I'll be a good girl!" to Tyler, but then like she totally hooked up with Cameron at the Winter Formal, and then Tyler's sister totally saw and was like "OMG! I saw you!" and Kyndra was like "Whatever!" and Cami was like "It'll be our secret!" and Rocky was like "I'm afraid to ask my boyfriend to the formal!" and Tessa was all, "I'm gonna go alone!" and Lexie was like "I hope Kelan likes my balloons" and Cameron was like, "I'm not hooking up with anyone this year." It was totally random!
As you can imagine, the 'Guna was shimmering with anticipation this week as the Winter Formal loomed on the horizon like one of those fancy new "Girl Ferraris" I've been hearing so much about. Of course, when it comes to Laguna Beach, you can't say "dance" without "drama," and before this episode began, we already knew we'd be in for a doozy, thanks to Tessa and her always reliable and wooden narration. First she reminded us what exactly this strange "Winter Formal" event was: "You know, the dance where the girls ask the guys," she said. OH! That's right! Thanks Tessa!
Before you could even begin to ponder who Tessa would be asking to the formal (as if you really would ponder that), she quickly noted, "I just felt like going solo." Translation: "I knew no one would go with me. I remind boys of formica." Tessa also informed us that Rocky was all nervous to ask Alex to the formal because they had just started dating. Apparently it's more daunting to invite your boyfriend to a dumb dance than it is to spend and entire weekend with him in San Diego. Oh Rocky, you beguile us with your enigmatic ways!
But the real story with this formal was Kyndra. As you may remember from last week, she started dating a douchebag named Tyler, who was not only rich and spoiled and hated talking about college, but he also was apparently quite jealous, especially of Cameron. As a result, Tessa told us that Kyndra wouldn't DARE ask Cameron to the formal, "but everyone knew she wouldn't be able to keep her hands off him at the dance!" This was quite a shock to me. After all, Tyler seemed so manly and intoxicating. How could Kyndra ever feel the need to stray?
Anyway, as the show opened, we found Kyndra, Cami and Pumpkin Face (a.k.a. Candice) sitting around a table and talking about buying dresses online (the horror!). Surprisingly, Kyndra's mom Karen didn't gallop into the room, hoping to catch any vicarious morsels of gossip to keep her lifeblood flowing. After they exhausted the topic of online purchases, Kyndra revealed that she was gonna ask Derek to the formal, causing sidekick Cami to predict, "I think Kyndra is gonna get like retarded and then like hook up with Cameron... that would be really funny." Yes, it would be hilarious. Kind of like THE HOLOCAUST.
After the opening credits, we found Tessa and Chase wandering into a store called IWS. "This is such a rad store," Chase gushed. "This is like my favorite store ever!" Memo to self: remember to never go to IWS EVER. Nevertheless, as the two browsed through the collection of patterned shirts and tacky pants, Chase asked Tessa who she was gonna ask to the Winter Formal. For a moment I thought he was fishing for an invite, but then he revealed that he was already going with some girl named Lizzy. "Oh yeah?" Tessa replied upon hearing the news.
"Yeah," Chase mumbled back. This was then followed by an exchanging of longing stares that were most likely edited in from a later part of the conversation where the topic was most likely ice cream or bubbles.
Ultimately, this sexually (un)charged shopping experience came to an end as Chase declared, "We have pretty raging dances!" And let's face it: nothing says raging like a Laguna party replete with plastic cups and parents!
Elsewhere in town, a black car with a pink balloon poking out of its window wound its way through the twisty streets of Laguna. What sordid activity lay in wait? Well, the car pulled up to Kelan's house (in which he and Cameron were playing video games), and soon we discovered that the mystery guest was none other than Lexie and her friend Rachel, or as I like to call her, Bernice (on account of her Staten Island fashion choices). Anyway, the girls surreptitiously stepped out of the car, taking with them a giant hoard of pink balloons.
"Hopefully he can't see us," Lexie said. Yeah, it's not like you have a hoard of pink balloons that might attract his attention or anything.
Luckily, Kelan was oblivious to Lexie's shenanigans outside -- he was clearly transfixed by Cameron's ill-advised 2nd down punt on Madden 2006. This gave the girls ample time to mess up his purdy, black SUV as they scrawled "Winter formal with Lexie?" on the windows. Amusingly, Lexie then said, "He's cute and all, but I don't want him to get the wrong idea." Hmmm... and what would give Kelan the wrong idea? Oh, I know! A MASSIVE HOARD OF PINK BALLOONS.
Meanwhile, as she drove off to ask Derek to the formal, Kyndra scoffed at the notion that the girls would have to invite the guys. "That's sooo stupid!" she balked. Exactly what doesn't she think is stupid? Sorry, Toots. Try as you may to be "over" everything, you're still not Kristin Cavallari.
Back at Kelan's house, Lexie decided to hide inside his SUV (which was conveniently unlocked). Eager sidekick Bernice then rang his doorbell, and when he and Cameron emerged from their Madden haze, Kelan let out his typical stoner smile. "Will you go to Winter Formal with me?" Lexie asked, stepping out of the car.
"I guess," he replied. He then added, "By the way, THANKS for completely messing up my car, you stupid bitch. I don't mind spending $60 getting it detailed AGAIN."
As for Kyndra, she managed to get over her disgust with the mating rituals of Winter Formal and asked Derek via a pizza box to join her at this annual event. I'm surprised he said yes, what with his rigorous schedule of working on his (nonexistent) tan and getting abs. We then cut to whiny boyfriend Tyler who appeared to be on a date with... his sister? This was so Cruel Intentions.
Anyway, Tyler's sister was named Nikki, and at first glance, she sort of looked like a rounder version of that other famous Laguna sister, Breanna (who's been completely MIA since her sidewalk showdown with Rocky). Last week, we learned that Tyler was fond of spending cash (like $500 on a crappy t-shirt), but this was nothing compared to lil' sis, who apparently received $6,000 monthly allowance. Why did one girl need that much? Oh, just a debilitating shopping habit.
"Sometimes I don't have anything to do; so I just shop," she explained. Maybe she should pick up a book instead. You know, like Infinite Jest? Something that'll keep her off the streets for a few months.
Eventually, conversation between these two drifted from their unabated consumer habits to more pressing matters: the Winter Formal. Tyler informed Nikki that Kyndra would be attending with Derek (or "Derelicte," as he amusingly called him), but he still had his suspicions about his girl. After all, Kyndra had told him that she thought Cameron was cute. "Whoa! WHAT??" Nikki asked, adding, "She expressed an innocent opinion about someone's physical appearance? That's appalling!"
Nevertheless, Tyler put his sister on official spy duty, with her mission to tail Kyndra at the formal and ensure that she stay on the straight and narrow -- or in the case of her chin, straight and projecting. We then headed over to the beach where a lonesome Rocky sat on a blanket and pined for her lovah, Alex. Alas, he was late -- or lagging, as they say -- but after three seconds of incredible suspense, he descended from on high and joined his chirpy girlfriend by the sea. And yes, he did plead guilty to lagging in the first degree. Anyway, this scene was fairly idiotic because it revolved around Raquel explaining how she's always hated formals because of all the cattiness involved and blah blah blah now she was excited to go to show off Alex and have the bestest time ever. The two kissed in the sunset, and as waves crashed behind them, we cut away to a commercial break. Thank goodness. I was almost swept away by the romance!
After the break, we returned to the same beach, but this time Kyndra and Tyler were the resident lovers, not Rocky and Alex. Because no opportunity should ever be wasted to show off conspicuous consumption, Tyler made the brilliant move of wearing Gucci shoes to the beach, which meant he and Kyndra had to spend a good amount of time running from the incoming surf as if they were avoiding a gaggle of zombies. Finally, they found a dry spot where the Guccis could be worn without fear. Kyndra then observed, "This is my first dance without you. Isn't that weird." MY WORLD IS SHAKEN.
The ever vacant Tyler responded, "I don't know. Not really." Meanwhile, inside he was probably thinking, "While you're at the dance, I'll be spending my time purchasing sundry items from the Prada store and then jealously stalking you from afar with my Tiffany binoculars."
Kyndra then suggested that he meet up with her afterwards at Cami's house where the official after party would be going down. It seemed like a reasonable idea, but Tyler absolutely refused to commit to such a preposterous plan. Even worse, he then accused her of not being able to get enough of Cameron. Like OMG! He totally went there! You know, as long as he's being the jealous boyfriend, he might as well go to the after party, but I guess he'd prefer to stay away and let Kyndra slip up, just so he can have the high moral ground. If it made him feel any better, Kyndra then said, "I promise I won't dance like crazy girl or anything." She then added, "I shall only dance a proper box-step and if necessary, a Viennese Waltz."
Elsewhere, Cameron and Kelan were out and about surfing, and aftewards, Cam asked Kel if he was gonna make the movies on Lexie. "No way, dude!" he shot back, adding, "I'd sooner have beef stroganoff than make the moves on Lexie!" As for Cameron's romantic prospects, he didn't really anticipate anything happening. He noted that if he were to hook up with Kyndra, it would be "completely random." Yes, random, except for the fact that they've hooked up before, and they flirt all the time. But aside from that, yes, a hookup would be straight out of left field!
Later, Kyndra and her posse (Cami and Candice, who seems to be jockeying for Sidekick #1 position. Look out, Cami!) headed to Beautiful Nails so they could get all did up before the big dance. It was there that Kyndra made a bombshell announcement: "I have the cutest Chanel clutch that I'm bringing!" WELL, RING THE BELLS ATOP NOTRE DÂME AND LET ALL THE COUNTRYSIDE KNOW: Kyndra has a the cutest Chanel clutch in all the land!!! Henceforth, today shall be known as KYNDRA CLUTCH DAY! Cast flowers in the brook in honor of this momentous occasion!
After suitably impressing her gal pals with news of her Chanel clutch, Kyndra then expressed some anxieties about the big dance. "The only thing I'm worried about is losing my morals and my shoes," she said, happily leaving "virginity" and "dignity" off the list (not to mention her Chanel clutch).
We then saw a nifty montage of various people getting ready for the formal, during which we learned that Kyndra has her very own hair stylist named Lisa who comes over to her house in advance of these milestone events. I'm shocked that Kyndra's mom didn't suddenly appear dressed to the nines, hoping that some date-less boy might take her to the dance as well.
We also saw Rocky and Tessa dressing up for the formal. I really didn't know why Tessa didn't simply take Raquel's parents as her dates. Afterwards, they could have watched Shadowlands! Nevertheless, the two girls and Alex hopped into a stretch limo (fairly excessive for three people, yes?), and before we knew it, we were at the Formal! This meant that for about forty-five seconds, we saw lots of teens dancing, as well as shaky, poorly-lit footage courtesy of one high schooler who was roving around with a camcorder. Basically, it was just many shots of Kyndra sticking her face directly on the lens (she's attracted to shiny objects).
At one point, we found Kyndra talking/slurring to Cameron, ultimately saying, "I love you!" Unfortunately, Nikki the mole saw it all happen, and having observed earlier flirtations in the limousine, she now had enough evidence to conclude that Kyndra was not being a good girl as previously promised. Dunh dunh dunh!!!
Anyway, after some more dancing and partying, we then saw random fireworks which probably had nothing to do with the formal whatsoever. The kids then poured out of the venue, which meant we got to see the amusingly sad sight of Tessa walking alone, sans date. Shadowlands! She could have watched Shadowlands!
On the way to the after party, Kyndra like totally hugged Cameron, which was obviously verboten (another point against her!). Then, at Cami's house, Chase suddenly derided the lack of music at the party. Oh, if only he would regale us with his sonorous voice! He sings like an angel that boy does!
Later on, a drunken Kyndra asked Cami, "Did you hook up with anyone?" I think Cami's generally sullen expression could answer that on its own. Kyndra then admitted to hooking up with someone -- the inference being Cameron. "Don't tell anyone!" she said.
"Okay, it'll be our little secret!" Cami replied, clearly overlooking all the microphones and cameras broadcasting this to the world. How very Connie Chung.
By the way, in case Cami didn't already suck enough, what was the deal with her party? Could it have been any more lame? I felt like I was watching a rumpus room in 7th grade. Nevertheless, at one point, Nikki and Kyndra tried to talk about the secret hookup, and even though Kyn had just confessed her dirty deed to Cami, she now was vehemently denying the charge, trying to smooth things over with Camp Tyler. Needless to say, it didn't seem to be working (that hickey on Cameron's neck didn't help matters either).
After the commercial break, it was time for the age-old Laguna tradition: recapping the big party from the middle of the episode. Doing the honors this week was Rocky, who also happened to be kneading dough with her hands -- a sneak preview of what Alex has to look forward to on Prom Night? As usual, Tessa, the alleged Master, watched quietly, saying how much she enjoyed the Formal. "I had fun. I had a lot of fun," she commented, adding, "You know. By myself. Alone."
Tessa then revealed that she barely even got a chance to dance all night long. "What were you doing the rest of the time?" Raquel asked. She then added, "Oh, that's right. You didn't have a date to dance with. My bad." To be fair, Tessa's lack of dancing was due to her sneaking out midway through and watching Howard's End with Rocky's parents.
Anyway, Raquel noted that her voice was totally shot out (although, as far as I could tell, she was just as chirpy as ever). She then feared taht if she were attacked in a dark alley, no one would be able to hear her. Sleep soundly, Rocky. Everyone can hear your voice from miles away. Not that it mattered: "There are no dark alleys in Laguna," she said. Oh, I beg to differ!
As the scene ended, Tessa wistfully commented, "I hope I have a good prom date." And by "good," she meant "existent."
Meanwhile, Cami and Candice sat around and relived the night of splendor that was Winter Formal. The two pretty much fixated on Kyndra hooking up with Cameron, but at one point, a regretful Candice expressed sadness that she only got to dance with Cameron once. Maybe he was spooked by her Jack-O-Lantern face? Either way, I'm sensing another love triangle!
As for Kyndra, she was getting lunch with Nikki (who by the way, I would much rather follow than Kyndra or Cami. Bad casting choice, MTV). No sooner had they sat down at their table than a red Ferrari zoomed by, making both girls' hearts flutter with gold-digging urges. Nikki revealed that she not only loved Ferraris, but specifically the new "girl Ferrari" that was round in the back. However, this convo was not about girl Ferraris. It was about "the hookup." Kyndra continued to deny all accusations, saying, "I did not do anything wrong. I was such a good girl." Unfortunately, Nikki had quite the comeback:
"Yeah? I was there. Remember?"
Doh!
Well, Kyndra responded in the only way she knew how: staring off into the distance. The lunch ended with a small volley of "It's lame" and "whatever," and then both girls got up and left. Would the sacred union of Tyler and Kyndra be destroyed? Or would love conquer all? And would we care? I guess we'll find out next week!
What did you think about the episode?
Betcha thought I was going to say retards, didn't you? Suckers.
Tonight's episode starts off innocently enough, with a suburban father trying to teach his son to pick a bicycle from a group of flashcards. And even though Dad seems like a nice guy, I already know he's going to be a dick because an agency where I used to work used the actor, Geoffrey Blake, on a bank campaign several years ago. I'm not saying Mr. Blake is a dick; he just plays one on TV. And oy, that voice! I wasn't even looking at the television and it still cut through my peyote-induced haze.
But enough about me. Adam, his son, doesn't want to show his Dad a bicycle. In fact, he seems much more content simply rocking back and forth in his chair. Odds that Adam's a 'tard? Currently 5-2. Of course, the fact that the producers are using the patented 'tard-cam to show us Adam's point-of-view kind of gives it away. Next, Dad asks Adam to show him what he wants for lunch. Instead of picking a card, though, Adam draws a squiggly line on his chalkboard. Great. The 'tard wants eel.
After the opening credits, we learn that Adam isn't retarded; he's just autistic. I love the way Foreman says it, too: "Autistic. Severely autistic." Like he's a very special James Bond. While Foreman is going over the boy's symptoms, House is all distracted by something. He says the parents are convinced that there's something wrong with their son, and then leaves the office and heads to the elevator. Cameron wants to know why they're listening to parents. Because she hasn't listened to hers for almost three weeks now, when her Mom told her to grow some bangs. And just look at how that turned out.
House tells the Outhouses that both Mom and Dad quit their jobs when Adam was diagnosed with autism. They've heard him scream a million times, and this time it was different. In fact, in ten years of caring for him, this is the first time they've ever brought him to a hospital. Not counting, of course, the franks and beans incident of '01. Because technically they just went to an UrgentCare that time.
House wants to run a bunch of tests on the kid, starting with his stool. "Just because he screamed?" asks an incredulous Cameron. Hell, she screamed that time she did the nasty with Chase, and nobody checked her stool. Well, except for Chase.
Foreman is smellin' what Cameron's cooking, though, and tells House he had a date last night that screamed too. "Should we spend $100,000 testing her?" he asks. "Of course not," House says. "This isn't a veterinary hospital. Zing!" Yay, funny House is back!
No dice, though. Cuddy tells him if he doesn't want to work in his office, then he can work in the clinic. If he doesn't want to work in the clinic, he can go home. Without pay. "Attica! Attica! Attica!" House starts yelling, pounding his cane on the floor. All to no avail. Primarily because Cuddy doesn't get the reference.
Next, we get to see Adam playing with his PSP. Hey, I don't have a PSP. Maybe I should get me the autism. Don't you love how old people always add a "The" before the name of any disease? "He's got the cancer." Or, "She's got the AIDS." Or my favorite, "copygodd's got a bad case of the DT's." I miss my grandma.
Adam's parents won't let Foreman run any tests until Adam's finished the game level he's on. Foreman doesn't want to wait, though, and tries to take the PSP from Adam. Bad move, Foreman. Because Adam gets madder than EdHill when he learned that Cooter's Place wasn't really a porn site.
Back upstairs, Foreman is strapping Adam in for his test. The way they have him tied up, he kind of looks like that old Quiet Riot album cover. The way he's screaming and carrying on you'd think they were actually making him to listen to that album.
House's next patient has had chronic back pain for years. But this morning he woke up and there was no pain. So he figured he better get down to the clinic right away to tell someone. And he has a tissue full of doodie for House to check out. ("Tissue Full of Doodie" would make a good name for Supernova.)
Chase and Cameron, meanwhile, are checking out the family's house. Chase finds a schedule on the fridge that has ever minute of Adam's time scheduled out. The camera skimmed down the schedule pretty fast, so I didn't get to see how much time they'd given Adam for spanking it. That might explain some of his frustration.
Chase finds it odd that if you're a normal kid, your parents work. But if you're a special kid like Adam, both your parents quit work and turn your backyard into a therapy unit. "Yes, if you only you were handicapped," Cameron tells him. "Just think of the good times you could have had with Dad." So, I'm guessing Chase has some Daddy issues? Anyone care to enlighten me? Outside, Cameron sifts through the sand box. Unless autism is caught from cat poop, I think she's wasting her time. Or maybe she's just looking to make a new Thanksgiving centerpiece.
House wants to know exactly when New Jersey ran out of horny 17-year-old boys. "About five weeks ago," Lolita tells him. Right when they ran out of Tag Body shots. Actually, five weeks ago was when she first met House. And just then Foreman Interruptus walks in. Hey, that's usually Cameron's job. Foreman wants House to come check on Adam, but House says he can't leave right now, because Cuddy won't let him leave the clinic.
House is trying his darndest to make the patients uncomfortable, randomly yelling things like "fecal smear!" and "bloody risotto!" Chase wants to go someplace else, but House tells him that Cuddy said he has to work there. Just then, Cuddy walks in. "Is this your master plan?" she asks him. "Disrupt the hospital until I replace your carpet?" House says he saw it in a James Bond movie, then yells "fecal smear!" again really loud. Speaking of which, "Fecal Smear" would be another great name for Supernova.
Upstairs, Foreman tells the parents he needs a stool sample. But he's going to wait until Adam finishes the level he's on. Who says you can't teach an old Foreman new tricks? Mom says Adam seems to be feeling better today. Maybe they overreacted, says Dad. And right on cue, Adam starts to choke again. This time without the aid of mac and cheese. At least Foreman will be able to document his symptoms. Starting with that huge loogie Adam just spit all over the table.
Next, House decides they should work in Wilson's office. Cameron doesn't want to talk about the case, though. She only wants to know why House is so upset about the carpeting. Wow, it took almost 19 minutes this week for Cameron to piss me off. That's got to be some kind of record of some kind. Wilson comes in, then does a double-take looking at his door, to make sure he's in the right place. Yup, the plaque reads Douchebag, M.D. It must be his office.
"Thought you wouldn't mind sharing offices for a while," House tells Wilson, after the Housemates leave. "We share stories, we share feelings, we share toys, we do not share offices," Wilson answers. Hmm, I wonder what kind of toys?
Foreman is trying to run another test on Adam, but again, Adam's screaming and throwing a fit. Is it just me, or is anyone else starting to wonder if maybe Adam is just afraid of black people? Foreman finally finishes the test, and tells the parents that Adam's heart is definitely not okay. No wonder Adam's afraid of black people: all they ever give him is bad news.
After House sends the team off to do some more tests on poor Adam, Cuddy tells him they need to talk. Seems House's girlfriend has called the clinic 15 times today looking for him. Cuddy thinks she's a stalker. "Couldn't it be that she finds me interesting or attractive?" House asks. Cuddy thinks she's just insane. At 15 calls, even House's mother isn't that interested in him. "Maybe I'd be better adjusted if she was," House says. Yeah, just like that Norman Bates fellow.
Cuddy says she's calling security. And then they exchange some pithy banter about having fun, not having fun, having sex, not having sex, Lolita is pretty and men are stupid. Cuddy goes back into the meeting, and House bangs on the glass door, screaming "You can't stop our love!" Eh, it was a lot funnier on the TV.
Foreman goes to Wilson about Adam's case. He tells Wilson the boy's symptoms, and gets Wilson to say they need to do a biopsy. Foreman then tricks Wilson into doing it. Because Foreman knows that Adam less afraid of the white folk.
When Wilson can't get Adam to cooperate either, House finally comes in and starts yelling for someone to shut Adam up. Then, he takes Adam's gas mask and starts to inhale. Wilson asks if he's out of Vicodin. Nope, just a little trick House learned in monkey school. Adam sees House breathe with the mask a few times, then decides it's okay and does it himself. Because that's how monkeys do it. At least that's how he explains it to everyone. Monkey see, monkey do. Fortunately, House didn't get too stoned, or he might've ended up teaching Adam how to throw his poo.
Anyway, Cameron wonders what's so wrong about them wanting to have a normal child. "It's normal to want to be normal," she says. "Spoken like a true circle queen," House answers. He then goes off on a long rant about privileged white people, which, while I totally agree, is too long-winded to transcribe. He ends by asking how nice it would be to not have to worry about social niceties. Turns out House doesn't pity Adam; he envies him. After all, Adam has a PSP.
Wilson interrupts them to say there's no cancer, because they didn't get any lymph cells. Somehow or other, they got liver cells. From Adam's armpit. It's kind of like those old commercials for Reese's Peanut Butter Cups: Hey, you got liver cells in my armpit. And you got armpit in my liver cells. Still, if Adam has liver cells under his arm, what does he have where his liver is supposed to be? My guess: the disembodied fingers of Mary Catherine Gallagher.
Next, House and the Outhouse go through their weekly diagnostic round robin. I can't keep up, except when House asks if maybe Gray's Anatomy got it all wrong. So he thinks she should've picked Finn too? Later, Cameron asks if House really thinks the kid might be having unprotected sex or sharing dirty needles. "Hmm, Daddy does seem the type to use a rubber," House answers. So scratch incest off the list.
But what about the parents slipping Adam the occasional mickey? Because now House thinks the kid may have cirrhosis of the liver. Chase says there's no way the parents would be doing anything to hurt Adam, since they both quit their jobs to take care of him. Of course, this just makes House all the more suspicious. Me too. Because as anyone who's seen the end of The Sixth Sense knows, altruistic parents are not to be trusted. And Bruce Willis is really a ghost.
House goes on a little tear about babies, which reminds me of the short story "Babycakes" by Neil Gaiman. If you haven't read it, I suggest you do. Go on, I'll wait. (If you're not into reading, here's a short online comic version.) In the middle of House's rant, Wilson comes into his office, looks at everyone, then turns around and walks back out, a broken shell of a man. Anyway, House thinks that maybe the parents are poisoning Adam so they don't have to deal with him anymore. That's a good plan.
Hey, it's time to go over some more diseases, all revolving around Adam eating anything he can get his hands on. House wants them to think about weird things, like matches, spiders, bricks, Lolita's breastesses. When Chase points out that weather-treated wood could contain arsenic, he sends Foreman out to sample the house again. Foreman never gets to check out the boobies.
Speaking of which, Lolita is sitting on House's motorcycle when he gets ready to leave. She tells House that in Iceland, the age of consent is 14. He's surprised that tourism isn't a bigger industry. Hey, it might be, if it weren't for the shrinkage. Lolita says that today she's jailbait, but in 22 weeks, anyone can do anything to her. Starting with smacking her ass the hell off House's bike. Just when things start to get interesting, Cuddy shows up. She tells Lolita to go home, or security will call the police. Wait, what's the point of having security if they're just going to call the police? I could do that. Anyway, Cuddy tells Lolita that this time she's free to go, but if she sees her on hospital grounds again, she'll call the police herself.
Hey, Foreman just got back from testing a bunch of stuff at Adam's house. He found some jimson weed, and thinks that Adam has been tripping on it. Evidently, it's like baby acid. I wonder how many people across America now are going to check in their yard for jimson weed. Besides me, of course.
Cameron interrupts Foreman's diagnosis to point out that where they're meeting isn't going to upset Cuddy. House wants to know why she can't be more like the other age-inappropriate girls who have a thing for him and just accept House for House. Then he hands her a big bowl of macaroni and cheese.
With Adam's schedule, House can't figure out when he would've had any unsupervised time to eat the plant. "Even if he had fifteen minutes of free time outside, it doesn't mean he'd have spent it eating a bush," says Chase. Insert your own oral sex joke here.
House decides the best route is to talk with Adam directly. Considering that House hates talking to patients, I guess it makes an odd kind of sense he'd choose to talk with a patient that can't actually talk back. He asks the parents if they've ever seen their son eat a bush. Again with the incest jokes. House wants Adam to show him what he ate. He holds up a magnet board with pictures of the weed and other household items, but Adam won't pick anything. After telling him he's going to die, Adam finally picks the sandbox magnet. Not what House was expecting. Nor was he expecting Adam's right eye to roll back in his head right after picking it. The sandbox, not his eye.
Later, House is sitting, somewhat comatose, in front of a fountain. Cuddy disturbs him with some bad news: Lolita doesn't love him. Her proof? Lolita showed up at Cuddy's place last night and came on to her. Damn, why couldn't we have seen that? Still, if hitting on your crush's boss isn't proof of love, I don't know what is. House agrees, saying Lolita is even more perfect than he thought.
House goes up and breaks the bad news to Lolita. She's gotta go. "But what about us?" she asks. House says they'll always have Fresno, adding, "I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that." Providing she ever gets off her knees long enough to watch Casablanca, of course.
Lolita starts to cry, and House asks her if there happened to be an earthquake when she was in Fresno. When she answers yes, House says that means she's not in love with him; she actually has a spore in her brain. Sporus Hornius, to be exact. On top of all the cold-like symptoms the spore produces, it also produces a loss of inhibition and judgment. I don't know if House is making all this up or not, but it's definitely better than the typical "It's not you, it's me" breakup speech.
Later, House is sitting in Adam's room, playing with a Slinky, when he gets that far off look in his eye. That can only mean one thing: He's going to bang Lolita after all. Yay statutory rape! Actually, it means he's figured out what's wrong with Adam. And the verdict is? Worms! Specifically, raccoon roundworms. See, the raccoon went poopy in the sandbox, Adam ate the sand, and then he got worms, which spread from his gut to the rest of his body. They attacked his lungs, which made him scream. They invaded his liver, which sent dead liver cells to his armpit. And they attacked his eye and the muscles surrounding it, which made his eyeball do a back flip. It even explains why he was always drawing squiggly lines. Because he could see the worms in his eye.
I can't believe how gross that last sentence sounded when I just reread it. Although it's not nearly as gross as these pictures.
But then Wilson starts lecturing House on not having autism or Asperger's. He thinks House wishes he had it, though. Because then he could date 17-year-old girls and not just be a jerk. "At what point does a person endlessly lecturing someone make him a jerk?" House asks. My point exactly.
House says the parents aren't as happy as they should be, considering he just saved their kid's life. Because they know what they have to go back to. Just as they're getting ready to leave, Adam comes over and gives House his PSP. Even better, he makes eye contact with House. And House said he never gets gifts from patients. Autistic PSP's rule!
Musical montage time. This week we get shots of House getting his old carpet back. It turns out that the new carpet was just installed over the old carpet, which means it was there the whole time. Cameron tells him that all change isn't bad. Except for her bangs. Those still suck.
Joining the ranks of Eve, Pamela Anderson Lee, Paris Hilton, Collin Farrell, Scott Schwartz, Saved By The Bell star Dustin Diamond is said to be the star of his very own adult video. The film in question features the one time screen geek as he..umm...entertains two lovely ladies (neither one his wife) and is tentatively titled "Saved By The Smell" (Not a joke).
While any celebrity sex tape will find an audience, I feel that bringing attention to Screeches members odor could turn of the porn buying public. As a result, I thought it may be nice of us TVgasmers to compile a list of better porn titles for the producers to choose from.
Join this and many other random time wasting fun threads in the forums.
As B-Side posted earlier, we're following up the TVgasm happy hour in LA with a TVgasm NYC happy hour this week. It'll be tomorrow, Thursday 9/28, at 9pm at the White Horse Tavern on the corner of 11th and Hudson. Yep folks, we're going classy.
For a map, go here. The closest subway stops are 14th St on the A/C/E and Christopher St on the 1/9.
And apologies for the late hour, but we'll try to show up before 9:00 if possible, and you're welcome to get there a little earlier if so inclined. B-Side, Umnata, stalwart commenter Leah3t, and I will all be there. I figure we'll try to head to the back room, but if it's nice out we might be able to snag some tables outside. See you there! Who knows, maybe The Pomp will show up and not eat.
Before I start, let me just warn that I am recapping this entire ninety-minute show solely from memory. I may have a few glaring errors here and there, but I'm sure if we all stay strong, we can get through this ordeal together. Anyway, we knew last night's episode would be a strange one right out of the gate as Samantha Harris managed to say all her introductory lines with nary a flub, stutter, or awkward slur. This week's show was all about two dances: the "torrid tango," as Samantha Harris labored to call it, and the ever festive jive. Someone was bound to crumble under the pressure, but who? Well, we didn't have to wait long for our first dud...
Len Goodman said something to the sound of, "The tango did to you what no linebacker has ever been able to do." At that point, an over-eager fan thought this was the setup for a compliment, and so he let out a triumphant "WOOOH!!!" But then Len added, "It stopped you in your tracks." Yeah, might want to take back that "Wooh!" now. All the judges agreed that Emmitt was not in top form, and he wound up with a lowly 19 out of 30. How the mighty have fallen. Luckily, he'll have the popular vote to keep him around, and I'm sure those swiveling hips will be back in full force soon enough.
After Emmitt, I don't really remmeber the order. So I'll just continue randomly...
Anyway, Sarah promised to let everything hang out for her jive (and that included her ass chest). She seems like a truly nice person, and I'm sure I'd have a great time talking to her about horses and rainbows and whatnot, but her inability to ever wipe off that goofy grin from her face is starting to really peeve me. Nevertheless, she did a nice jive that I thought was lacking in charisma, but the judges absolutely loved it. I don't remember her scores, but they were quite impressive, especially considering how badly she started off the season. Kelly Monaco the Sequel?
The two executed a nice tango, and considering Jerry's physical limitations, this was an impressive feat. He managed to mention his daughter's upcoming wedding about fifteen times (when he wasn't peppering us with self-depricating humor), and honestly, that's all I can really remember. He earned solid scores -- maybe 21 or so? I'll go to the website and check after I'm done writing. But basically, what this dance came down to were Kym's heaving bosom.
Anyway, Monique did a great job and earned nines from all the judges. You can bet your bottom dollar that momma was going nuts in the audience. Bravo!
When it came time for scores, Carrie Ann doled out an 8, and noted that it would have been a 10. Same for Bruno. Len, meanwhile, had said earlier that they would have had a 10 from him too, but his punishment was infinitely more severe: he gave them a 6. Dunh dunh dunh!!! In the post-dance interview, we could barely hear Samantha Harris over the chorus of boos hailing down from the audience. It was like Paul Hamm 2004 all over again! Controversy!
(Btw, I have no spell check on this computer, so don't mind the inevitable errors in the above list.)
Anyway, the judges awarded Vivica nines across the board. In response, she let loose those convenient waterworks once again and sobbed her way backstage to Samantha Harris where she miraculously managed to transform from weepy to sassy and back again on the turn of the dime.
Will one of these cocky duos get their comeuppance tonight? Or will America finally send Willa home? We shall see!
Okay, so here's the deal. I watched the latest episode of Two-A-Days several days ago. I took notes and was planning on writing up the recap, but then I had to board a plane, and then it was Rosh Hashannah and then The Amazing Race was on, and just when I was getting ready to sit down and relive Homecoming 2005 at Hoover High School, my laptop up and flunked out on me! Monitor? Kaput! So there went my Tuesday plans. But now I'm here installed at my mom's office on an ancient PC with Windows 98 and a delete key so small I keep pressing "\" instead. If you see a high number of slashes in my post, you'll know why. But enough with the excuses. If Coach Propst heard all the bull-fooey I've been serving up, he'd have ripped me a new one and then some. And we wouldn't want that now, would we?
As I mentioned in my opening paragraph, what was so unique and wonderful about this latest episode was that it took place during Spirit Week at Hoover High. Yes, Homecoming was just around the corner -- the event that everyone had been chattering about for the past several episodes. To hype up this joyous occasion, the kids did what many high schoolers across the country do: dress up in costumes for five days straight. We used to do this in my high school, and by "we," I mean four or five people and then unlucky class officers who were obligated to show spirit in the face of general ridicule.
However, Hoover has a tad more pride than my alma mater, and so everyone showed up in all sorts of costumes, including Bryan, who was surprisingly not dressed like the Phantom of the Opera or any other notable Andrew Lloyd Weber character.
Plucky cheerleader Blair told us how excited she was about dress up days, but even more thrilling to her was the impending Powder Puff game between the senior and junior girls. I never understood why female football was called Powder Puff. I always felt that was somehow extremely patronizing, but these girls loved every inch of it, and I was mildly shocked that the seniors didn't go all Chicago Suburbs on the juniors and shove their face in feces and beat them until they passed out.
In football news, quaterback Ross was cleared from his Trent Green-ish concussion, which meant he could once again play/throw interceptions for the team. While he got back into Coach Pabst Blue Ribon's training camp of hell, a little guy named Taylor stepped up to be the coach of the senior girls Powder Puff team. I'm not sure who Taylor was -- I'm thinking maybe he was the guy in the first episode who talked about having quit the team. Either way, he took great pride in bossing the girls around, and the producers were kind enough to provide us with a side-by-side Taylor/Propst coaching montage, complete with a spitting comparison. Taylor was good, but nobody hocks a loogey like Propsty.
As the days went by, we got to see more outrageous costumes at school, especially on the awkwardly titled, "Favorite Movie Character Day." One girl arrived dressed as Wonder Woman, causing the normally gentle Max to ask, "What are you? A porn star?" Clearly he was unversed in the many splendors of Lynda Carter. Anyway, a few of the costumes were pretty good, and I particularly liked the one dude who came dressed as what I hope was Ron Burgundy. The little montage eventually came to an end as we saw one guy, perhaps dressed as the slasher from Scream running down a hallway like a crackwhore in search of rock. Methinks somebody had just a tad too much spirit in his Frosted Flakes that morning.
Out on the football fields, we learned that practice would be very chill this week on account of Hoover going up against a weak team. As a result, we had a minimum of Propst barking, which meant there was more time to listen to Goose drone on about his greatest foe, Alex. The portly player chuckled passive-aggressively about how Alex could get out of anything with nary a punishment. Basically, this was Goose's way of expressing displeasure that Kristin had opted to return to Alex, even after those nasty rumors surfaced a few weeks ago about that other girl. Oh, Goose. Don't you realize? You're fat and bitter. And you're not the star of your own MTV reality show. Sorry. No cheerleader for you. Maybe Blair if you're really lucky, but I'm pretty sure Keebler Elves don't date out of their race.
To be fair, by the time the girls showed up at the game, they did have considerably more black makeup on their faces. They kind of all looked like rollergirls, to be honest. We then went to commercial, and when we returned, The Powder Puff Derby of 2005 was underway. Basically, it was just a quick montage of the seniors scoring over and over and over again. The juniors almost scored, but those tenacious older girls quickly vanquished the threat with a mighty takedown. Ouch!
With the Powder Puff out of the way, we could now focus on the upcoming football game at Hoover. There was once again strife on the field, and at the center of it was none other than Goose. Funny how trouble seems to follow him. He was the lucky recipient of Repete's trash talk, and Goose no like that. Repete razzed him for always ordering people around practice, causing Goose to tell us that he simply did not like Repete -- he was too talkative. Sadly, what our rotund football not-star didn't realize was that he was misinterpreting sincere displays of affection. According to Repete, his way of showing that he cares for someone is by talking trash to them, having them talk trash back, and then later, they both go out and laugh about it. With that clarified, Goose seemed to take it pretty well: "He needs to learn how to shut up." Okay, maybe not so much.
Elsewhere in practice, defensive coordinator Jeremy Pruitt barked at someone, saying, "You need to check it to them over yonder!" He then added, "And while you're checking it to them over yonder, can I ask you a question? Have you ever heard of something called 'asparagus'? Seriously, what IS that?"
Max, meanwhile, was once again faltering. It seems like we can't go an episode without him zoning out into a fog of apathy. His punishment this time was that he'd have to serve as the team's punter. Oooh, that burns! Coach Pruitt took great joy in this demotion, asking, "Did I embarrass you good? I hope I did because you're embarrassing the hell out of me!" Yeah, what with your crazy "asparagus" and whatnot!
Finally, homecoming was upon us, and that meant two things: big game and big dance! And, it goes without saying, big bangs hanging down on the forehead. Coach Propst Blue Ribbon told us that he absolutely hated homecoming week because of all the distractions and "fun" and "joyfulness." But mainly the distractions. Later, while Repete imitated the humorless coach in the lockerrooom, Propst went out ot the field and talked to a bunch of little kids as if he were a demi-god, surely savoring this moment of power and prestige. I have to admit, this scene with the Hoover Buc Pee-Wees was oddly charming, especially when Propst was ever so kind to note, "Everbody got a pretty jersey on!" You hear that, Bobby Jo? Coach Propst thinks our jerseys are pretty! Asparagus for all!
As game time approached, we learned that Max really would be the punter for the team. Apparently the normal guy was unavailable this week. Pruitt must have loved the extended humiliation for Max! Propst, meanwhile, had his own concerns -- namely, the state of socks on the Hoover Bucs. "If they ain't got no socks on, I may not let 'em dress! I may let 'em sit in the dressing room!" he snapped, thus bringing about the dreaded Sock Crackdown.
With the specter of illicit legging activity looming over the squad, Propst Blue Ribbon was left with no other choice but to sock it to the team, as it were, in the locker room. Yes, before anything had even happened, he was already pissed off, yelling at his boys in anticipation of feeling disappointed at the half.
"I got about seven of you in here ain't got your freakin' dead-gum SOCKS ON!!!" he yelled, revealing what might be a borderline OCD fixation on socks. I know football teams have strict codes about socks and uniforms and whatnot, but seriously, dude. Chill out!
Propst concluded his "motivational speech" by threatening that if the team didn't play well, "I'm gonna be real good and pissed off!" Um, as opposed to NOW?
After the commercial break, Hoover took the field, and for once, they weren't playing the Most Important Game of the Season that they Just Couldn't Lose against Their Biggest Rivals. They were merely going up against Pelham, but that didn't stop interception machine Ross from feeling anxious. Well, he needn't have felt nervous. Ross was just fine. In fact, the whole team was great. Things got off to a triumphant, sock-raising start as Bryan made a quick interception, leading to a score. If only a chandelier could have fallen for him! It would have been the perfect Bryan moment.
Hoover soon had another score on the board, bringing the tally to 14-0, and then the moment of doubt came: Max's first punt. And how did it go? Splendidly! A lovely punt! By the half, it was 21-0, and then it was time for that age-old tradition (that never actually existed in my high school): election of the Homecoming Queen. Nobody seemed more excited than Blair, who walked onto the field escorted by her Big Daddy. This was the moment she'd been waiting for all her life, it seemed. Her destiny, her calling, her... biggest disappointment EVER. That's right. Poor Blair failed to take home the crown. That went to skanky Kaitlyn Oliver instead. In your face, BLAIR!
As the girls all huddled around Kaitlyn, Blair told us that it was all okay because everyone was friends and everyone was happy for everyone and blah blah blah. Face it, Blair. You want to stab the bitch in the eye, don't you? Nevertheless, the girls all cooed insincere comments like "I'm so proud of yeeewww!!!" Translation: "I'm putting itching powder in your douche."
Well, the rest of the homecoming game unfolded like an Eli Manning Seattle nightmare. Final score: 35-0. With the game over and Coach Propst sated for the time being, it was now time for everyone to focus on what really mattered: the homecoming dance! All the players got dressed up in shirt and ties and such, and next thing we knew, it was picture time at Kristin's house (or maybe it was Blair's. Who knows). Proud parents snapped photos of their darling children, and it occurred to me that in this one little scene, the kids of Two-A-Days were more dressed up than any Laguna Beacher ever in the history of that series. It's comforting to know that if Talan or Jason were to show up at Hoover in their trendy shirts and blazers, they'd probably get beaten up to a pulp.
Anyway, the homecoming dance went pretty much as you'd expect: dancing, happiness, pictures, giant pronounced jaws (okay, that was mainly Alex). My favorite part came at the very, very end when the camera quickly panned by some dorky guy who clearly wanted to be like the football players. He had a crappy version of the Hoover bangs, and as the camera zipped by him, we could clearly see him patting his hair down, trying to fix his delicate locks. Sorry, dude. You either got it or you don't. And you, my friend, don't have it.
What did you think about this episode?
So, what is the story like? Quoth the intro "A seemingly random group of individuals has emerged with what can only be described as "special" abilities. Although unaware of it now, these individuals will not only save the world, but change it forever. This transformation from ordinary to extraordinary will not occur overnight. Every story has a beginning. Volume One of their epic tale begins here." Or in this case, after the jump.
The series opens with the shot that many of us have seen from commercials. A young guy is standing on the side of building, looking down as if he was going to jump. In the background, some guy with an accent is asking all sorts of metaphysical type questions. I wish that I could tell you that I had written down all of the questions, but I was never able to pay attention during Philosophy class in college, so I think I dosed off a little bit. What I can tell you is that the kid at the beginning was only dreaming. If I were this, I might try and fall asleep to something a little more pleasant before I go to bed so my dreams aren't scary. For instance, I fall asleep to the Tyra Show and as a result, my sex with supermodels dreams have increased 20% and falling off random buildings in New York City dreams have yet to surface. Now that's what I call progress!
Since there can never be too many moments of random dudes with accents spouting out things about metaphysics, we next visit a classroom in India. I have never been to India, but I am really glad to see that Indian students get just as bored in class as students here in the United States. Then again, they are aided by the fact that their Indian professor likes to hear himself talk just as much as any professor in the United States. He is giving one of those kinds of lectures you hear in those biology classes set up for hockey, football, and lacrosse players so they can spend more time getting their heads bashed in than filling their heads with silly things like education.
Luckily for all of the students, their professor is cut off when a colleague enters the room. Unluckily for the professor, the man is there to tell him that his father died. Luckily for us, we learn his name is Mohinder so I can stop calling him the professor. It turns out that his father used to be a lecturer until he started talking about crazy new eras of evolution and got laughed at so hard he decided to run off to New York and become a taxi driver. The professor heads to his father's old apartment, which I guess must have been really inexpensive because it was still furnished and had all of his files in it. Why he didn't bring those files to New York is anybody's guess, but it conveniently gives his son a chance to go through some of his records, with mysterious names like "Human flight potential" and "Rapid Cellular Regeneration".
Ali Larter made her getaway, but it looked like we weren't done with our webcam action, but after further inspection, I am not sure who would pay to spank it to video of a girl falling of six stories and hitting the ground without a parachute, but hey, what do I know? The guy holding the camera is freaking out, as she should be. Unless he has done a couple of rotations in cardio-thoracic and neurosurgery, he probably just witnessed the death of his friend. However, by this time we probably should have realized that this girl is going to survive. The cameraman runs to her just as she is getting up. She pops her shoulder back in it's socket and then announces "I'm Claire Bennett, and that was attempt number 6".
We aren't told what Claire is attempting or what the other five attempts were, but she's obviously upset about the predicament that she's in. Let's see. She's young, attractive, and a cheerleader. What can be wrong? Oh that's right, she's invulnerable! Wait, what's wrong with that? She calls it the end of the world and that her life as she knows it is now over, but honestly I feel worse for her sidekick, who is obviously pining for her even though she is clearly too popular for him and probably won't realize that he's gay until he goes to college or "Puppetry of the Penis" takes a "swing" through West Texas.
Next we got an introduction to one of the most appealing characters in the show. Well, he is either appealing or super annoying. He is a Japanese office worker, slightly pudgy, clearly spends most of his time daydreaming, and quite certainly is called whatever the Japanese translation of "Andy Milonakis" is by his friends. This dude, and forgive me for calling them dude and chick and such, it's not that I was too lazy to write them down, it's just that I think they were trying to be all mysterious and not give us their names, so I will transfer my annoyance of this practice on to you.
Anyway, Japanese Andy starts staring at the second hand of the clock in his cubicle. He's starting at it so hard, I'm waiting for him to say, "Who does number two work for!!!" followed by Tom Arnold warning him not to blow out his o-ring. Then, the amazing happens. Japanese Andy is actually able to make the second hand move back...one second! I'm thinking to myself it would probably be easier to just introduce daylight savings time, but Japanese Andy is out of his mind. He starts screaming that he did it and that's cool and everything, but you know, sometimes when things happen at work, you have to keep a low profile or you may become a social outcast. Then again, Japanese Andy is obviously used to being an outcast, so maybe this little incident doesn't really hurt his cause so much.
I know that everyday life in Japan isn't produced by some game show company, but the spots in Japan are hilarious. The next 40 years of Hiro's life are probably perfectly mapped out for him, yet he finds joy that he can move the second hand with this thoughts, even if it was all in his imagination. I tell you what, he should meet up with Claire, who has her whole life ahead of her, and tell her not to be such a whiny bitch about her super powers.
Our dreaming man, whose name is Peter, by the way, but this one ends a little differently. He is crashing into the pavement, but is met by another face. It's some politician type guy, and it just so happens to be Peter's brother Nathan, who is running for office. The last thing you want to hear when you are running for office is that your secretary has a subscription to Cigar Aficionado, but the second to last thing you want to hear is your brother talking about being able to fly, because people will think he is crazy, is taking lots of drugs, or both. Like Nathan said, the last thing he needs is for Peter to "pull a Roger Clinton" on him. However, Nathan doesn't have to worry, because his mother was just accused of shoplifting, so Peter's problems are the last thing on his mind.
What did Mrs. Petrelli steal? Socks. Why did she steal them? Because she wanted to feel alive, which is one of the dumbest things I have heard since "With the first pick of the 2006 NFL Draft, the Houston Texans select...". OK, so her husband died and they were married forty years and what not, she's still loaded. Can't she get a hobby? Why doesn't she give some money to poor people? And if she doesn't particularly like philanthropy, there's a lot of fun to be had with Dance Dance Revolution and Guitar Hero! Got she just get a drinking problem? Then her sons can just send her off to rehab in Vermont, it will be just like a vacation! No, seriously, just ask Mel Gibson.
Niki Sanders is having a bad day. Yes, I know that I already mentioned the mob assassins thing, but situation was about to get worse. Niki, despite running her lucrative Internet porn business, is still having money problems. Her son goes to private school, and they agree he's a genius, but the $25,000 she paid to get him in there doesn't keep him there unless she pays tuition as well. I know that many people wonder why people would pay so much for their kids to go to school, and it's obvious you haven't seen all the Harvard Westlake decals around Los Angeles. What you should know is that it gives anxious parents a way to prepare for successively larger reamings for when their kids go to college.
Like most donations, you can't get the money back and Niki storms out of the building, and I guess it is time to move again. She heads off to a friends house to drop off Micah. By the way, I know that there is lots of irrigation around Vegas and stuff, but did Niki's friend's house look a little too lush to be in the desert? Most of the homes in Vegas are less than twenty years old, and while I'm not saying it's impossible for all of this to happen in and around Vegas, could somebody in Vegas who lives on a street like Niki's friend e-mail a picture of their front lawn so it doesn't drive me crazy? Thanks.
In the early part of the episode, when Peter was taking care of the old guy, he joked when his daughter Simone said that he is like the son he never had. Peter said that would make them brother and sister, which would make it awkward if they ever went out. What was awkward was watching how Simone rejects Peter without saying a word. By the way, have you noticed all of the generic names? Simone - totally generic black chick name. Niki - totally generic stripper name. Peter and Nathan - not exactly the epitome of hip. I don't know whether to call it outdated or refreshing that there isn't one Mackenzie, Hunter, or Devon among the bunch. Even the crazy bohemian painter guy that Simone is dating is pretty normal. His name is Isaac, and anybody named Isaac has to be a solid gold champ.
Earlier we saw that Hiro's friend and Niki were connected, but we soon start seeing a lot more connections among the people we know have powers. For example, Isaac painted a building fire, the same fire that Niki ran into to save a man from certain death. She came out flaming, but as we have come to expect, she didn't have any burns. As Peter is leaving his brother's office, he first notices Simone hailing a cab, and then gets into a cab with none other than Mohinder, who had made it to New York and taken some of his father's research, not to mention the roach infested apartment. For all the respect Mohinder had for the roach evolution, he wasn't above killing one when given the opportunity.
It's this eclipse which continues the whole six degrees of separation thing we have going this episode. In Japan, Hiro pauses from his mandatory exercise period to take a look, and in Texas, Claire is checking out things as well. Even Niki, who snuck back into her house to see it trashed, took time look through Micah's pinhole camera.
What Niki should have been doing is staying quiet, just in case her mob friends come back. We learned from Micah's "babysitter" that Niki borrowed that $25 grand form a loan shark, and now it's time to collect. They would probably rough anybody else up, but after seeing what she does for a living decide that she can work off some of her debt. Things start out with just a little strip tease, but it soon goes down from there. One of the guys starts to get rough, and then Niki goes blank, but it's not a defense mechanism.
Back in Japan, Hiro is still talking to his friend, who has decided that if he is going to hear all of his stories about super heroes, he might as well be drunk and listening to karaoke of the Backstreet Boys (actually, isn't hat everybody's dream?), but eventually has had enough. If Hiro is going to do any teleporting, he should do it somewhere useful. Saying that nobody ever got laid for stopping the second clock, Hiro's friend challenges him to teleport into the girl's bathroom. That way, he can say he used his super powers to actually see a real woman's vagina for the first time.
Kicked out of the bar, Hiro believes that he did it, but his friend still doesn't believe him. Poor Hiro. For so many other Japanese, all of their imaginative energy can be put into Final Fantasy, but apparently he wants a new destiny. He gets on the subway, sees a picture of New York, and then begins to concentrate. Soon, we see the timer on the subway, ticking off faster than we can read it. Hiro concentrates, waits a few minutes, and then suddenly, gets off the subway...in New York!
This is the moment that we've been seeing all episode. Peter looks over and takes his leap of faith, but there has no levitation. Instead he just starts falling. It looks like he actually might die until his brother saves him. No, his brother doesn't catch him before he falls. His brother catches him in mid air, because apparently it is his brother who can fly. Nathan doesn't know how he is doing it; he only wants to save Peter. Unfortunately, being his first time flying and all, he can't control himself and doesn't get a good grip. We end the show with Peter slipping out of Peter's grip and presumably falling to the ground. Will he die, be seriously injured, learn how to fly himself? I guess we'll all learn that next time.
In the coming episodes, a lot of people are going to be comparing Heroes to any number of shows that are out there, but the big test will be how well the series can juggle multiple story lines and character arcs. Heroes has many characters that will interest viewers, and that is always a good place to start.
What did you think of Heroes? Who is your favorite character? Who is your least favorite character? What do you make of Claire's father? Does he know her ability? Will Mohinder be able to complete his father's work?
As some of you know, I am not only a sarcastic asshole, who spends much of his time mocking deformed babies, fighting the war on Paris Hilton and developing man-crushes, I am also the founder of The Summer Hope Foundation. And what's the point of being a huge internet celebrity if you can't use it to your advantage? Summer Hope is a non-profit organization that supports the fight against cancer (alas none of our proceeds go to getting Paris exported) through fundraising events, such as "Drink for the Cure" ("We hate cancer... but we love to drink") and "Rock Out for the Cure" ("The Let's Kick Cancer In The Ass" Concert Series). With the money raised at these events we donate money to cancer research facilities as well as fund our own internal programs, like the HOPE package, which we send out to people diagnosed of cancer. This Friday, September 29, 2006 is the 4th Annual Summer Hope Benefit, our biggest fundraising event of the year. Incidentally, the place we are having the event, Leonard's of Long Island, is the same place where Allegra Sachs got married on The Soprano's last season. You see, my committment to television knows no bounds... Regardless, the reason I am posting this is because at the Summer Hope Benefit we hold an EBAY auction with all sorts of fancy Celebrity autographed crap, that I thought some of you might be interested in. We've got Signed Veronica Mars Season 1 & Season 2 DVDs (these auctions end Friday at 12 AM Pacific), Signed script, props (the Gold Medals from the Office Olympics episode) and cast coffee mugs, from Jenna Fischer (Pam) of the Office, Signed copy of Vito from the Soprano's Book, Signed Without a Trace Cast Photo, a TON of signed Joss Whedon/SSerenity items, Signed Comic books from Geoff Johns (if you're a comic nerd, you know that's goood) and a lot more! All proceeds go to the Summer Hope Foundation. The Ebay Auction begins at 8:45 PM PACIFIC (11:45 PM Eastern) on Tuesday, September 26th and ends at 8:45 PM PACIFIC (11:45 PM Eastern) the night of the Benefit, Friday, September 29th. Full list of items after the jump.
1) Signed Season 1 Veronica Mars DVD (2)
2) Signed Season 2 Veronica Mars DVD (2)
She's totally awesome, by the way. Sent us the Season 1 DVDs and then a month later sent the Season 2 DVDs signed
3) Matt Damon signed The Bourne Supremacy Poster
4) Kirsten Dunst & Paul Bettany Wimbledon Poster (hey... beggers can't be choosers)
5) Rent Movie Poster signed by cast
6) Rachel McAdams signed Red Eye Poster
I have to admit the only reason I contacted her was because I have a mondo crush on her. I think I almost didn't get the poster, when her manager called me, and instead of being professional on the phone I said: "I just want to let you know that I loooooooooooooooover Rachel." Silence on the other end, but she wasn't creeped out enough not to send it...
7) Brand New Poster signed by Entire Band
These guys are from the next town over from me on Long Island, have been donating since year one. I've even vomitted with some of them at our mutual friend Peter Hoare's bar. Good times.
8) Signed Copy of Al Roker's Book, "Big Shoes" (start bidding early, this one is going to be HUGE)
9) Signed Copy of Meryl Streep CD "Dance on a Moonbeam"
I made fun of this when I first got it, but then felt kind of bad, when I read that it was a charity CD. On the CD the guy who put the whole thing together, literally died, while recording... My bad...
10) Various Joss Whedon signed Serenity items
He also totally rules by the way. The last two year's he sent Astonishing X-Men comic books signed, and I died and went to Nerd Heaven.
11) Geoff Johns signed "Green Lantern" #9
If you don't know anything about comics, Geoff Johns is to comic books as Joey Lawrence is to Dancing with the Stars. Simply the best.
12) Signed Phil Jiminez "Countdown to Infinite Crisis" Comic Book
13) The Office signed script (entire main cast), Coffee Mug only given to Cast AND the Gold Medals that Pam made during the episode Office Olympics.
Jenna Fischer (Pam) sent me this box of stuff, with a personal note. She is literally the nicest person of come into contact with in the 4 years I've been doing this.
14) Signed Cast Photo of Without a Trace
15) Signed Cast Photo of NCIS and Signed Script
Come on, your parents will love it!
16) Signed Cast Photo Medium
It might be the only way you get a chance to see this show for a while...
17) Signed Cast Photo Invasion
The only autograph that I got that's an auto-pen signature. However, the show is gone and the picture is here!
18) Signed Playbill from "Wicked" (current cast)
As per B-Side's suggestion, I won't be posting an interesting list of celebrities who didn't donate and who do suck (and LOOOOOVE cancer)... He implied that it MIGHT hurt future donations... he's so wise... For my recapping, I will be recapping Desperate Housewives again this season, but everything is kind of on a delay until after this weekend. I'll try to get some stuff up by the end of the week though! For more information on the Summer Hope Foundation please visit us at www.summerhope.org. You see there is more to Umnata than gay jokes and bad Entourage recaps.
Just glancing through the AAtractions magazine I stole from American Airlines, I couldn't help noticing the tiny blurbs they've published about the various films the airliner will be showing. Most of the descriptions are fairly generic, but then there's the two lines for the Lindsay Lohan bomb, Just My Luck. The magazine immediately takes a snarky tone, writing, "Miss Lohan describes it as 'a little bit of an over-the-top comedy, but it's funny and it's cute and it's silly.' You decide." OH REALLY! I think that was American Airlines' way of saying, "She says it's good, not us. (It's a giant turd)." Here's to hoping I get to see the movie on my return flight. That indeed will be just my luck! (Get it?)
On Friday afternoon, I took a transcontinental flight on American Airlines, and since the onboard entertainment was not nearly as abundant as, say, Jetblue, I had to find unorthodox ways to pass the time. Sure enough, as I was leafing through Watch!, the CBS propaganda mag conveniently stuffed into the seatback pocket in front of me, I came across a stunning photo essay of Amazing Race host Phil Keoghan and his wife, Louise. CBS had sent the two to Shanghai for a week of wanton bacchanalia and anonymous sex and documented the journey (minus the bacchanalia and sex) in a series of stirring images.
Well, I couldn't just let these photos go unnoticed. I surreptitiously pocketed the magazine (apologies to whomever was in desperate need of knowing which songs were on the Miles Davis: The Music and the Man channel) and scanned in the photos as soon as I could. Enjoy.
After the success of the Los Angeles TVgasm Happy Hour, we've decided to try it again, this time on the East Coast. This Thursday night at 9 PM, we'll be having a TVgasm Happy Hour event in NYC. Granted, 9 PM isn't exactly "happy hour." More like TVgasm Cocktails. Nevertheless, making appearances will be me, m_ruv, and commenter extraordinaire, Leah3t. Plus, you never know which B-List celebrities might show up! (Okay, none.)
The location is still up in the air -- we're deciding between the White Horse Tavern and Vol De Nuit. Hope to see you there!
Wednesday night is the big Winter Formal episode of Laguna Beach, but why wait until tomorrow when you can go to the dance tonight? That's right, according to an MTV press release, participants in the network's virtual Laguna Beach can go to the ball (virtually, natch) and stir up their own drama as they "watch as the king and queen are crowned, and rock to music provided by the popular Laguna Beach radio station on URGE." Sounds like a date! PUN INTENDED!
Oh, but that's not all. Starting at 9 PM EST/ 6 PM PST, attendees of the virtual winter formal will get to see tomorrow night's episode of Laguna Beach in its entirety. Don't worry if you miss the big showing. There will be encore presentations at "Laguna Cinema, the VIP Club, the Laguna Arts Center, Kyndra’s House or Sanctuary." You know, I was going to have dinner with friends tonight. Looks like I'll have to cancel. See you in the fake 'Guna!
It's only been two episodes, but I'm pretty sure we have an awesome season of The Amazing Race on our hands. I know, I know -- let's not get too excited. Let's everyone stay calm and collected. But dammit if last night's show wasn't great for the second week in a row. Granted, there wasn't any intense foot race to the mat, but the amount of haywire twists and turns was super high, and let's not overlook the sheer joy of watching one whiny bitch getting clotheslined by a branch and another girl being dragged around by a tiny horse on a rampage. This is what the race is about!
This week's episode began at the Great Wall of China, one of two man-made objects visible from space and inspiration to countless Chinese take-out restaurants across America. Anyway, first out of the gate this week were our favorite junkie models, Tyler and James, who learned they'd have to travel by bus and train to exotic Outer Mongolia. Once there, they'd have to go to a temple, observe a ceremony, and receive a clue. Sounds junkie-tastic!
The two guys zipped off to the bus station, telling us about the joys of sobriety all the way, and following them were Lauren and Duke, the latter of which commented, "I can accept gays and lesbians, but when it's your daughter, you think of it a little differently." He then sobbed for fifteen minutes and threw himself over the Great Wall.
Speaking of gay, Tom and Terry were quite excited about learning their next destination. "AMAZING!" they said, an imaginary disco ball lighting up over their heads. As for my favorite team, David and Mary, they came raring out of the Pit Stop, dressed in all green. They kind of looked like the bizarre love child of Gumby and some hillbillies. It made me love them even more. Mary then explained all the eye-opening aspects of the race. "I never known an Asian person in my life!" she said. And even crazier, she then revealed, "We never been around gay people... but I like 'em!" And with that, the imaginary disco ball lit up over Mary too, and she and Tom and Terry boogied on down to "It's Raining Men!" Hallelujah!
Anyway, at the bus station, there were two buses for teams to take: one leaving at 12 AM and one leaving at 2 AM. The junkie models, Duke & Lauren, Sarah & Peter, the Miss Americas, and Kimberob all made it onto the first bus while everyone else was stuck with departure time #2. But don't think that the second group was upset about their later bus. No, they took the setback in stride as they danced up a storm at the depot. Sadly, they were not all taken to a Chinese re-programming camp and never heard from again.
Well, the buses eventually headed off into the night, and when they reached their transfer point, everyone wound up on the same train. So much for those staggered departure times. The Miss Americas tried to shake things up by finding a faster train, but the junkie models sniffed them out so fast, you'd think the girls had five kilos of cocaine in their hair.
Ultimately, the beauty queen scheming resulted in nothing but raised suspicions. Everyone was stuck on that train whether they liked it or not. While they waited for their locomotive to arrive, Sarah attracted a crowd of onlookers who were quite fascinated by her artificial leg. In an effort to appease both their curiosity about prosthetics and their joy for dancing, Sarah broke into a one-legged jig that elicited applause from the locals. Afterwards, however, Peter tried to shake them all down for cash, insisting that they get no more of the well-received Sarah Show if they didn't pay up. Needless to say, Peter wound up empty-handed. Methinks these locals have seen their share of one-legged wonders. But alas, Sarah could not fathom why no one would pay money to see her shake her bon (I know it's bon-bon, but I employ a stern "bon-to-leg" ratio). "They pay money at the zoo though!" Sarah complained, happily equating herself to a caged baboon.
Anyhoo, the gang boarded the train and traveled through the Gobi Desert, the perfect locale for Tyler to wax philosophical about his spiritual journey from junkie to dreamy. This of course meant we got to hear about his lowest point, which happened to be when he was arrested (for a third time). The charge? Five counts of being BEAUTIFUL! He's a model!
Well, the train eventually arrived in outer mongolia, which meant everyone had to hop in a cab and race towards the temple. Kimberly braved an intense health crisis as a few drops of water managed to splash through the window, landing on her face. She immediately became concerned that she might catch a disease from the dreaded Mongolian Rain, but luckily, she rallied to courage to press onwards, thus foregoing the need for a Hazmat intervention.
Aside from Kimberly, everyone seemed to absolutely love their cabbies, with each team seemingly boasting about how THEY had the best driver of all. The duos soon arrived at the temple where a ceremony was occurring every ten minutes or so. After observing the rituals, teams then had to take an old, Russian military jeep to a town called Terelj -- or as I like to call it, the cultural hub of the Asian continent. Anyway, once there, teams then had to don furry helmets, choose a pair of horses, and then travel 2.5 miles, following a Mongolian nomad all along the way.
Of course, now that the teams had to drive themselves for the first time in Asia, we knew we'd be in store for some good times. Sure enough, everyone was baffled by the road signs, and soon the bickering that we love so much reared its ugly (yet beautiful) head. Queen Bicker Bee Kimberly kicked things off by scoffing at Rob's driving skills. "I love how you're grinding," she said sarcastically.
"Babe, it's not me. It's the car," Rob replied. This of course had me wondering whether Kimberly thought that Rob was actually grinding -- as if there were some gears inside him that needed to be lubed up. Oh Kimberly. We're gonna have a fun season together.
Unsurprisingly, the cheerleaders -- who had once claimed that they could carry a conversation with a doorknob -- were completely lost right out of the gate. "This is way confusing!" said one of them, but to be fair, that's also what she says when she opens a jar of pickles.
Meanwhile, the junkie models managed to fall way behind when their cabbie took them to the wrong temple. Man, that's frustrating. It's enough to make you want to hit the bottle! And then sashay down the runway. Junkie Models! (I don't know why I feel the need to say that, but I do. Sometimes, I say it at random times too -- like when I open the fridge. Try it. It's surprisingly fun! Junkie models!)
Elsewhere in Mongolia, David and Mary made the wise move of picking up a local and using him as their guide (smart move) while Rob decided that he suddenly knew exactly where to go and pulled off on a dirt road that he insisted was a shortcut, despite not being familiar with the Mongolian interstate system whatsoever (dumb move).
As for the models, they had finally arrived at the proper temple and observed the ceremony. "That dance was really far out!" gushed Tyler, adding, "I haven't seen anything like that since that time I put three tabs of LSD in my club sandwich and thought I saw Liza Minelli speed-skating in my bathroom."
Somehow, team Lyn/Lyn (the single moms) managed to find a white dude who knew exactly where to go, but for whatever reason, they dropped him off at the side of the road and pushed onwards without him. And guess what? No sooner had they traveled five feet from him than Karlyn and Lyn were completely lost. That's okay, everyone was completely lost too. Terry and Tom tried to ask for directions by pantomiming riding a horse, but they merely looked like they were acting out their typical Saturday night (rimshot!). As for Kimberob, here's a shocker: turns out that Rob's little shortcut had led them in the wrong direction. Who would have thought randomly driving down a dirt road in Mongolia would lead to nowhere? Rob immediately apologized to his girlfriend/demon passenger, and surprisingly, she didn't bark back at him with tears and frustration. Perhaps she was distracted with fear that another Mongolian raindrop might land on her bodice.
Meanwhile, after their setback, the junkie models were optimistic that they could get back into the fray. They couldn't help but appreciate their surroundings, with one of them noting, "I feel like I'm on a different planet right now." He then added, "Wait... wait... okay... yeah, I'm just high on heroin again. Never mind."
Unfortunately for Tyler and James, their tires lacked a certain Blue Steel fortitude. They wound up with a flat, and even worse, their car jack was all screwed up (either that, or the guys were just too dumb to know how to operate it correctly. Probably that. Junkie models!). Soon, team after team passed the models, but none of them stopped to help out. "Peace out!" said Lyn/Lyn as they zipped by. If it was any consolation to the models, they weren't the only ones facing car troubles. The cheerleaders suddenly stalled out on the road, and they too struggled to get their car back into fighting form. As we went to commercial, we wondered if either of these photogenic teams would be able to overcome their vehicular setbacks in Mongolia. Dunh dunh DUNH!
Well, great news for cheerleaders and models! They were saved! Some random local helped the models (he was clearly won over by their general dreaminess, mixed with the faint odor of crack in the air). As for the cheerleaders, the girls also brought their car back to life, and soon, all the teams were en route to the horses once again!
First to arrive at the route marker were Sarah and Peter, and of course, they were in top annoying form. "C'mon, Sarah! Let's go! Let's go!" Peter said in his typically condescending way of cheering her on. Even worse, he then said, "C'mon, sister!" Lesson one of being a good boyfriend: don't call your girlfriend "sister." Might make things weird during sex (not to mention the one-legged thing, but that's nobody's fault really). Of course, this all assumes that these two even have sex, and to be honest, I'm getting a distinct Sam Champion vibe off of Peter. Just sayin'.
The Miss Americas arrived at the horses soon after, and as they put on their indigenous helmets, one of the girls noted, "I'm a Mongolian right now. Bring me some barbecue, baby!" Oh, silly Miss Americas and their... wait... wait... okay, it's official. I'm now craving Mongolian BBQ. DAMMIT. If I don't get some soon, I'll get the shakes, and I guarantee that it'll be worse than any sort of detox period Tyler and James ever had.
Meanwhile, David and Mary, who had been doing so well, decided to off-road a little bit and wound up engorged deep in mud. Funny thing about mud: if you drive in it, you'll get stuck! I guess that's just another exciting lesson for the coalminer and his wife!
Kimberob soon arrived at the route marker, and guess who was scared to ride the horsies? That's right: Kimberly. After her harrowing battle with the waters of Mongolia, she probably didn't think this leg of the race could get any worse, but lo! She now had to face down her biggest fear: riding a small horse for two miles! "Can horses smell fear?" she asked.
"No, those are bees and dogs," said Rob, zoologist extraordinaire.
Well, horses may not smell fear, but they certainly can tell when there's a whiny bitch on their backs. Kimberly's horse happily trotted under a tree branch, and even though they weren't going particularly fast, she still managed to get completely knocked off the horse, thus making for one of the funniest moments of the night. As she bawled like a baby, an aghast Rob said, "This is crazy, dude!" Yeah! Nothing crazier than falling off a three-foot-high horse! INSANE!
At least Kimberly didn't get to experience the joy of being dragged around a meadow like a worthless piece of detritus. Yes, one of the Miss America's managed to fall off her horse too, but unlike Kimberly, she still had her foot in the saddle. Her horse decided to bolt away, which meant this poor girl was tugged along mercilessly in what looked to be not such a pain-free experience. Amazingly, the girl was okay, which was great for her. I kind of wished it had happened to Kimberly, just to see what sort of hysterics she'd devolve into.
Anyway, once the horses reached a field, teams reached this leg's Detour: "Take it down" or "Fill It Up." Incidentally, those are the same two options Phil gives his wife during fellatio. Oh I keeed! It was just too easy. Sorry, Phil!
For "Take It Down," teams had to take down the canvas walls and roof of a nomadic shelter, fold it all up properly, and place it on a camel. In "Fill It Up," teams had to lead a cart and ox-type beast (called a Heiny or something like that) five hundred yards away to a river, fill up four buckets, travel back, and use the buckets to fill up a basin. As Phil mentioned, this wasn't a particularly demanding task, but it all came down to taming that beast.
Well, the Miss Americas got to work on the water jugs while Peter and Sarah attempted the nomadic shelter, at her suggestion. Oh, and by the way, a new jeep had come for David and Mary, who were still languishing in the mud, having now fallen to ninth place. Anyhoo, Peter and Sarah immediately had trouble with their Detour, and he wasn't afraid to voice his displeasure. "This was a horrible task to pick!" Peter complained. Translation: I hope you realize what you've done, you peg-legged BITCH!
As Sarah began to tear up, Peter whined, "Sarah, I'm not going to be able to match that knot system. I'm just not going to be able to." Get it? He's knot going to be able to! Nevertheless, Peter then insisted that they change Detours, and when Sarah sniffled that she hated to quit, he clapped his hands together and patronizingly said in his best dog-owner voice, "Sarah! Let's go! C'mon c'mon!!!" He then showed her a tennis ball, threw it thirty feet away, and said, "Go get it, girl! C'mon, you can do it!"
Anyway, the two switched over to the "Fill It Up" task, which led to the always welcome "jug" reference. "Sarah, you gotta hold those jugs!" Peter yelled. Snickering by me ensued. However, I soon let out hearty guffaws when it became obvious that even the mammals hauling the water carts couldn't stand Peter. At the slightest prompting, the beast would just run away, probably sick of Peter saying things like "C'mon! You can do it! Way to go, sister beast!"
As for Sarah, the frustration was getting to her, and she began to cry. Peter then refused to do anything until she composed herself, but Sarah insisted, "I'm just getting teary." Yes, it's just a case of some pesky tears! Never mind her shoulders undulating with each powerful sob. But hey, at least that infernal beast was finally calming down. Oops! Spoke too soon. Once again, the animal charged off to the Mongolian horizon, clearly hoping to never deal with these two annoying jerks ever again. Ah, sweet emancipation!
Realizing that they were unable to tame the beasts of Mongolia, Peter and Sarah returned to their original Detour: emulating the complex knot system of the nomads. However, their ineffectualness with "Fill It Up" didn't deter Team Lyn/Lyn, who decided to give up on "Take It Down" and try their hand at fetching water. Needless to say, the animals were much more receptive to them.
Down at the river, the Miss Americas needed to fill up only one or two more jugs before they could move on. As they left to make their trek back to the main water basin, one of the girls realized that her furry helmet was missing, but she decided to move on anyway. We knew this would lead to bad things because the producers suddenly did the ominous Slow Motion of Doom on her. Clearly, she was about to fall off the cart and split her head open. Silly beauty queen.
And speaking of those carts, it turned out that riding them wasn't always the most comfortable endeavor. Case in point: Kimberob. While Kimberly led the animal from the river, Rob rode in the back, his body over the jugs to make sure they wouldn't fall over. Apparently the bumpy terrain was not to his pleasing because he whined/shouted, "OWWWWW!!!! GOD!!!!" To which Kimberly snapped back, "SHUT UP!!!" And ever the wordsmith, Rob countered with the clever response, "YOU SHUT UP!!!" Gotta love the generic folk from Los Angeles. Here's to hoping another branch knocks them over.
Well, first to complete this arduous Detour were the Miss Americas, who were hoping to be the first girl-girl team to win the entire race. Up until this point, they looked like they were well on the way to success. But then it was time for the next clue: drive to the Hotel Mongolia (okay, not so bad). Teams must ride horses back to their cars (okay) and wear all the same safety gear (DOH!). Yes, turns out that pesky helmet was now integral to the Miss Americas. They could not move on without it. Yeah, they were screwed. But then again, how exactly do you lose sight of a giant, furry helmet?
With Dustin and Kandice searching for their headgear, Duke and Lauren pulled into the lead as they properly completed the "Take It Down" challenge. Peter and Sarah, meanwhile, still toiled away, with Peter saying to his girlfriend, "Tight. Really tight. Show your strength, Sarah!" Seriously, dude needs to shut up. If I hear another pseudo-Starting Over form of encouragement, I'm gonna set my TV on fire.
Hey, remember Team Win/Win? You know, the Asian guys Erwin and Godwin? Well, Godwin couldn't find his hat either. Great. While they poked around the forests of Terelj, Kimberob continued to enjoy a team meltdown as Kimberly came to a halt and bawled at Rob, "PLEASE STOP YELLING AT ME! I CAN'T DO THIS!" Yes, the stress of walking slowly with an animal WAS JUST TOO MUCH!!! STOP IT!!!
As for the cheerleaders, turns out their stalled car from way before was stalled a loooong time because they were just arriving. They saw Dustin and Kandice standing around (their Mongolian helper was out searching for the hat), and thought the girls were done with everything -- just chilling out now. Yes, people don't often chill out after their Detours. And they especially don't chill out with tears streaming down their faces.
Well, the cheerleaders got to work unpacking the nomadic shelter, and meanwhile, Kimberob finally finished the challenge and headed off to the Hotel Mongolia. With nerves calmed down, Rob explained, "I wasn't yelling at you. I just didn't know how else to say-- you know what I mean, babe?" Yes, that clarifies everything. You see, he wasn't yelling at you. He was just yelling towards you.
Back at the Detour, David and Mary finished up their water fetching (and they even gave an extra jug to the single-moms. Aww). The Miss Americas also finally got their helmet back, and soon enough, everyone was heading off to the next destination. Even the cheerleaders were somehow in the pack having made short work of the Detour. Ah, but just when everything seemed all fine and dandy, disaster struck thrice. Lyn/Lyn and the cheerleaders couldn't get their cars started. Plus, Win/Win's car broke down on the side of the road. Gotta love those old Russian military vehicles! Nothing says reliable like "old" and "Russian"!
Luckily for Win/Win, even though a bunch of teams passed them on the road, they managed to get some help from strangers and start the car Little Miss Sunshine style by running it down a hill and hopping inside. As for the cheerleaders, a random dude helped them rev their car back to life with a crank device, and soon they were on the road to glory. This left only the single-moms to languish in vehicular hell. One of the mothers tried to use the crank to similar effect, but alas, she was met with failure. As we went to the commercial break, we couldn't help wondering if she'd ever get it started!
Of course, considering that the cheerleaders had been parked about twenty feet away from Lyn/Lyn, it was no surprise that the same guys who helped the girls would now help the mothers. Sure enough, disaster was averted as the single-moms and their new rejuvenated car hit the road in search of the Hotel Mongolia.
Up at the front of the pack, teams arrived at the aforementioned Hotel Mongolia where they were greeted with the Road Block. One member from each team had to take part in an ancient Mongolian archery exercise. They must hit a target 160 feet away with a flaming arrow. Once completed, they they would have to run to a nearby pavilion, which was the Pit Stop for this leg.
Well, teams started shooting the flaming arrows (how no one caught on fire is beyond me), and first to hit the target was Peter, which meant he and Sarah wound up taking first place for this leg. As a result, they won a nifty trip for two (the details of which seemed to be dubbed in after the fact), courtesy of Travelocity. Phil then asked, "Did you imagine that you'd be two legs into the race and be first?" He then added, "I mean, not literally two legs. One leg. But on the second leg of the race. I mean, part of the race. I mean... awwwwkward..."
Second to hit the target and show at Phil's mat were Tyler and James. Junkie models! Meanwhile, the cheerleaders managed to get lost en route to Hotel Magnolia. They actually turned around, and as they drove on what they believed to be the correct route, they passed right by the single-moms. So who was heading in the right direction? Lyn/Lyn or the Kellie and Jamie? Only time would tell!
Back at the Roadblock, Lauren attempted to hit the target with her arrow, and I'm shocked Duke wasn't already knee-deep in a pool of his own tears. She eventually succeeded, and the two checked in third place. Meanwhile, Tom happily lived up to gay stereotypes by nearly dropping the flaming arrow on his foot. That would have really taken the term "flamer" to new levels. However, he rebounded from this foppish error and managed to hit the target. He and Terry trekked up to Phil and said, "Tawk to us." We were then treated to the very rare PhilAccent™ as he replied in a New Yawk accent, "I'll tawk to you! Yaw team numbah fowr!" Wow! Phil with the dialect prowess! Is there anything he can't do? (Aside from wearing loose fitting pants.)
We then watched a montage of Kimberly and David messing up, their partners peppering them with hostile support and criticism. At one point the Miss Americas hit their target (and as a result checked in fifth place), causing Rob to yell, "She just got it. YOU GO TO DO IT!" Hmmm... he's been a real bitch this episode. Maybe he's trying to reassert dominance? If trends continue, they might just become Robberly again.
At one point, Kimberly actually managed to his the wooden wall in front of her with her arrow, and I'm shocked that the whole thing didn't go down in flames. Luckily, she did eventually manage to hit her target, causing Rob to yell happily, "GET OVER HERE!!!!" He will hug you with loving ANGER!!
David also hit his target, but as he and his wife ran to the Pit Stop, Mary managed to tweak her ankle. This could only mean bad things for them. Maybe not on this leg, but next week. Nevertheless, Kimberob checked in at 6th, followed by David and Mary at 7th, and Win/Win at 8th.
Back on the open road, both the single-moms and the cheerleaders looked like they were approaching the Hotel Mongolia, but as you may remember, they were each going in different directions. So which team wound up taking the correct route? Lyn/Lyn! That's right, the single-moms arrived at the Roadblock while Kellie and Jamie drove around Outer Mongolia. "Today is our stupid day," they said. To be fair, that's usually what they say every day at around 3:17 PM.
Well, the single moms hit their target and checked in ninth place, which meant that unless this was a nonelimination round, the cheerleaders were toast. The girls eventually arrived at the Roadblock where they alternately cried and tried to hit the target. If it made them feel any better, even if they hadn't gotten lost, they surely would have been eliminated anyway because they could not for the life of them hit that target. Day turned into night, and arrow after arrow after arrow fell short. Finally, they just gave up, and sure enough, they were eliminated. Sniff sniff.
I was slightly sad to see them go, only because the potential for idiotic comments was so high. Plus, I really wanted to see what other cheers they and Tom and Terry might come up with. Alas, all good things come to an end, and since I pretty much love all the teams, I'll be sad every week. Oh well.
What did you think about this episode? Sad to see the cheerleaders go? Or good riddance?
Lo, autumn. A time to celebrate the good things in life, the simple joys. Pumpkins. Puppies. Pompeo. Yes, this week marked the return of our favorite playground of emaciated WASPs and Korean Jews, Grey's Anatomy. Honestly, I haven't been this excited since I found out they were releasing the Color Me Barbra special on DVD. Anyway, to the show.
We pick up right where we left off at the end of last season: the ludicrous SGH prom night, with Meredith fleeing the hospital tearily, apparently having failed to choose between Finn and He-Shepherd. This scene is of course accompanied by a cooing, silken-voiced narration in which Meredith notes that time loses all meaning in the O.R., whereas outside the O.R. time takes pleasure in kicking our asses, slowing down and speeding up whenever it's least convenient. In short, Meredith feels as if she often gets Stuck In A Moment She Can't Get Out Of. It happens Time After Time. If only they would give her One Moment In Time, when she's more than she thought she could be, etc.
At the Shepherds' trailer, we see that She-Shepherd somehow found Meredith's FILTHY LACY BLACK PANTIES OF ADULTERY in the hospital the previous night. Never mind how she got her hands on them, but she certainly is not pleased. Izzie, meanwhile, is still all dressed up like Barbie and lying on the floor of her room back at Meredith's house. Apparently she's been on the floor all day—god only knows where/how she's gone to the bathroom—and the interns seem to expect Meredith to be the one to go talk to her. You know, since Meredith is comforting, empathetic, and certainly not the least bit self-absorbed.
Back at the house, Meredith has kicked off the Convince America I'm Not Anorexic Tour 2006 by wolfing down sandwiches. Cristina, ever attuned to the Torah, says they should mourn more properly by sitting shiva and ordering in—none of this lite-bread-and-air sandwiches bullshit. Meredith says she's just eating to distract herself, since she made a teensy little mistake and lost her panties during the prom.
Speaking of those filthy, corrupt panties, we see that OMG SHE-SHEPHERD HAS WASHED THEM AND PUT THEM IN HER PURSE, ostensibly to take back to the hospital. Back at SGH, He-Shepherd asks Webber if someone can cover his rounds, since he wants to go "take care of things" with Meredith. But Bailey announces there's an incoming head trauma patient and the hospital is already overloaded. What with the early flu season. And prom decoration cleanup.
The head-trauma woman and her husband were in a car accident, which they had while already en route the hospital to see a doctor about flu symptoms they'd been having. Just as the husband starts coughing uncontrollably, syphilitic nurse Olivia shows up with a newborn baby that somebody found in a trash can in a local high school bathroom. One would have hoped Olivia had succumbed to her moral ruin sometime over the summer, but sadly it appears she is indeed back for this season. Alex takes the trash-can baby over to She-Shepherd.
She-Shepherd gets upset when she finds out the baby was left in a trash can, since as an organic product the baby technically should've been put in the compost, not the trash. Anyway, the baby apparently has some sort of blood/platelets condition, so they need to find the identity of the mother as quickly as possible. In the other O.R., meanwhile, He-Shepherd and George are working on the head-trauma woman. He-Shepherd asks how Izzie is doing, noting that it's always difficult when a patient dies. George responds that "Denny wasn't just a patient. No, sir. He was a plot device. A tedious, seemingly indestructible plot device. And that's a tough thing to lose."
Back at Meredith's house, Cristina tries to wrap her mind around the implications of Meredith and He-Shepherd's prom-night panty-tossing. Cristina deems He-Shepherd unimpressive and laden with McCharacterFaults. She asks Meredith whether He-Shepherd is planning on leaving his wife, which sends Meredith plummeting into a flashback. We see young toddler-Meredith riding on a merry-go-round, watching worriedly as her mother and Dr. Webber have a heated argument in which Webber tells Ellis he's leaving her.
Speaking of, Mrs. Webber arrives at SGH, where she's made an appointment to see her own husband, claiming it's the only way she can ever get through to him. But her appointment is cut short when Bailey rushes in and says that He-Shepherd's head-trauma patient has horrible flu symptoms, swollen lymph nodes, and bubos. Oh great, BUBOS. You have no idea how much I've been looking forward to the first appearance of BUBOS in Grey's Anatomy. Yep, love those bubos. Anyway, turns out one the flu / head trauma patients might've been in contact with THE PLAGUE. Nice to see that we're so firmly on the track toward realism here at the start of the new season.
Over in the obstetrics ward, a gaggle of blank, frosty WASPs have showed up with their four daughters in tow—the ones who found the newborn in the trash can. But none of the girls will admit whose baby it is, and none of the parents wants to believe that their own daughter was the one who got knocked up and hid it successfully. But speculum-happy She-Shepherd says she'll do a vaginal exam on all the girls if that's what it takes, and besides she doesn't need the parents' consent. So take that, VAGINA-BLOCKERS!!
He-Shepherd and George are hanging out in the locker room being "masc" when a guy in a biohazard suit bursts in and says they have to be quarantined since they might've been exposed to the plague. Damn bubos! They've likewise quarantined the bubo/head-trauma woman's husband, who's babbling deliriously about how he has to get back to his wife. From her bubo-free zone of safety out in the hallway, Bailey tries to comfort the poor bubo-addled man. In this scene all I can think about is that Bailey's hair looks awful. Seriously, on her way home from the hospital after last night's prom she apparently had time to stop by the REALLY UGLY WIG STORE.
Cristina takes her turn at Izzie duty, saying that it's time for her to switch out of her prom dress. Ever a faithful daughter of Abraham, she explains to Izzie the basics of sitting shiva. Izzie laments that they took away Denny's body, so she'll never see him again. She asks Cristina how she would feel if someone told her she would never see Burke again. This shuts Cristina up nicely.
At the hospital, Alex tries to intimidate the four high-school girls into admitting which is the mother of the abandoned infant. Apparently Alex, like Dr. Bailey, had time to completely make over his hairstyle within the last 24 hours—he suddenly has a buzzcut. Maybe SGH has a barber AND a really ugly wig store on premises.
As She-Shepherd tries to convince the girls' parents to let her do vaginal exams, she lapses into a flashback to the night He-Shepherd caught her cheating. Enraged, he grabs all her clothes from the closet and throws both them out onto the street in the pouring rain. TAKE THAT, CHIFFON!! She-Shepherd sobs that she's sorry and has no idea how the cheating happened and wants to "talk about it." He-Shepherd doesn't buy this shit for a second and literally throws her out of the house as well, spurning her attempts to kiss and make up. Later, he relents and lets her back in and decides that he himself will leave and have his stuff out by the next morning.
She-Shepherd, meanwhile, consults with Webber about what to do about the abandoned newborn and the four teenage girls who won't fess up. Webber asks what the options are, and She-Shepherd suggests they do blood typing on all four girls. I love how she has to explain the entire process of blood typing to Webber, who is, you know, the CHIEF OF SURGERY AT A PRESTIGIOUS HOSPITAL. Amazed by this well-nigh-mystical "blood typing" procedure, Webber gives her the go-ahead.
Back at the old homestead, Meredith is "opening up" emotionally to Callie, who barely tolerates it and lapses into full-time eye-rolling. Finn the vet shows up, which prompts Meredith to flee hastily and go check on Izzie. This leaves Finn and Callie alone in the kitchen. Callie goes on about how she and Meredith and all the interns are socially retarded because they've been so immersed in scalpels and bedpans for the last decade that they haven't had the opportunity to mature socially and go on dates and stuff. Finn is ENCHANTED.
Back in the present, George and He-Shepherd remain quarantined in the locker room, where George has his panties in a bunch about how he's about to die from the plague. He-Shepherd raids the food the interns have stored in their lockers and then starts philosophizing about Izzie and about how life can change in a split second and never be the same again. Cue yet another flashback, to the moment when He-Shepherd and Meredith first meet, at the bar. Meredith, downing shot after shot of brand-x tequila with surprising ease, proves irresistible in her womanly charms. He-Shepherd picks her up shamelessly, and the rest is overwrought, soapy history.
At the hospital, Bailey informs the delirious, bubo-addled man that his wife has died. The man starts hyperventilating, and the biohazard guys are forced to restrain Bailey as she tries to tear off the red quarantine tape sealing the man's room. She manages to calm him down through the glass but then gets emotional herself, wishing that she could turn back the clock and bring back the man's wife. She laments that she "can't turn back time." Well neither can Cher, sweetie, so don't be too hard on yourself. The man asks Bailey whether she believes in god and the afterlife, which launches the scene way across the line into over-the-top territory. Just when I'm thinking "Yeah, this scene is pretty overdone, but hey, at least the patient isn't drooling uncontrollably," whaddya know but the patient starts drooling uncontrollably. Bravo.
In the locker room, George continues to freak out, convinced he has the plague. We're treated to the sight of sweaty pit-stains George, which is nearly as horrible as last year's nipple-shot George. He launches into self-pity mode and wishes he had told Callie he loved her, because he feels like he could fall in love with her "soonish." This prompts all manner of mocking from He-Shepherd, clearly a moral giant in such matters. He-Shepherd tells George he should tell Callie he loves her "before somebody else comes along." Romantic!
Speaking of Callie, she and Finn have gotten QUITE COZY while Meredith was off tending to Izzie. When Meredith returns to the kitchen, they've busted out the wine and are laughing their asses off, most likely over some joke involving canine bone cancer. Nonetheless, Callie leaves the room so Meredith and Finn can discuss Meredith's whoring. Finn says he has no idea what happened with her and He-Shepherd the previous night, and though he's pissed he still thinks she deserves someone shiny and charming, so he wants to let her know his hat remains firmly in the ring. Okay, this guy is officially a doormat. They should play "Take A Chance On Me" in every scene he's in from now on.
At the hospital, Mrs. Webber is officially pissed. She tells Webber that she's sick of always waiting for him and playing second fiddle to his career, so if he wants to remain married it's time for him to retire. Ooh, setting up a chief-of-surgery power struggle between Burke and He-Shepherd later this season perhaps? BRING IT.
She-Shepherd and Alex, meanwhile, have used their new-fangled blood typing technology to eliminate two of the high school girls as possible mothers for the abandoned newborn. So She-Shepherd forces the two girls to view the sickly baby up close and personal, then lays on the guilt until one of them finally confesses.
Just as George is finishing scrawling his last will and testament on the locker room wall, one of the biohazard guys comes in to announce that the plague threat is contained and they're both cleared to go home. Bubos begone! George runs out so he can immediately go tell Callie that he might fall in love with her soonish. Indeed, when George gets back home, Callie does the I-love-you thing emphatically once again, but George drops the ball and doesn't respond. He-Shepherd looks on judgmentally since, again, he's clearly in a position to do so.
Finally, He-Shepherd goes to talk with Meredith. He smiles greasily and tells her that, given their unclothed romp of the past evening, she has a choice to make. At long last, he spills the "I'm in love with you" bit. He says he's a little late saying it, but he means it. There's just something about her. Her strident, scratchy voice. Her angular, nonvoluptuous frame. Her habit of staring blankly at all times. It's just magic. Anyway, he says he wants her to take her time and decide—and with that, he leaves.
Back at the house, Izzie has one last mini-flashback to the SGH welcome reception, which inspires her to finally get up off the floor. Progress! Meredith helps undress her, and as the episode ends they clasp hands and begin a sensual, soft-focus journey to the isle of Lesbos.
So, THAT SEASON OPENER. Maybe I'm being too harsh, but I didn't think this was a very good episode—it was very soapy and in my opinion not the kind of thing that would draw in new viewers. The plague subplot was way over the top—and if you're gonna insert a plotline that's that outlandish, why not really go somewhere dramatic with it rather than throw it in half-heartedly? Admittedly, the flashbacks were interesting, there were still a lot of funny moments, and as a matter of principle I'm all for the inclusion of bubos. But I hope things are a little less sudsy next week. What did we think?
Why go to jail once when you can go twice? According to NYC radio station Z100, Jason Wahler has wound up in the clink for the second time in a row, again on assault charges. We don't have any further details except that Jason's rebound from LC is a man named Teabag, and he ever so enjoys when J-Wahl stops by to visit his cell.
Update: Jason apparently got into fisticuffs with a tow-truck operator. I guess he wasn't being so gnarly about parking in the red zone. For more, check out this article at TMZ.
Update the Second: According to US Weekly, Jason was arrested whilst in the company of "porn model" Kristen DeLuca (NSFW). Vavavavooom!
What the? The latest episode of Survivor: Cook Islands was amazingly predictable, and yet, despite that, we were still left scratching our heads and asking, "What the hell just happened?" Yes, it was a Tribal Council possibly like none other as a secret, bizarre love was revealed, leaving castaways giggling and Jeff Probst agog. You never know what nature will do to these reality stars -- Shane and his Blackberry from last season are a perfect example of that -- but this was just ridiculous. At least we now have one thing to look forward to on the reunion show...
This week's episode began at the Hiki tribe (a.k.a. the black folk) where the remaining four members in Sekou's absence attempted to start a fire. Unfortunately, they were unable to build a towering inferno of kinder, despite having a flint and a machete. That's right. A flint and a machete. (At this point, black leaders across the country and hanging their heads in shame.) Luckily, after some time, love, and tenderness, the Hikis were able to catch a flame, and at last, their luck seemed to change. They had fire, and no one was more excited than Nathan, who let out an actor-ly laugh (you know the kind) and danced around triumphantly, his ass falling out of his shorts.
Over at the Latino tribe, Aitu, everyone was doing a bang up job fishing in the waters. Everyone seemed to be catching hundreds of fish (okay, maybe about seven apiece), and JP reminded us that it's because the Latinos have it in their blood. He then turned to someone and asked, "You guys got crabs?" TVgasm snickering ensued.
After Fish-A-Thon 2006 was over, we then learned that Cristina was a lot tougher than people may have thought. She was a police officer, and she'd been shot in the arm. In fact, she almost lost the limb, but she persevered and managed to pull through sans amputation. "That's huge," said a bored Ozzy, clearly unimpressed with Cristina's arm woes. Turns out that Ozzy and Cristina weren't necessarily the best of buds. They each kind of pissed each other off. She felt like he was subtly bossy and controlling. He thought, well, I don't remember what he thought. But I'm sure it was disparaging.
Hey, and remember all those chickens that everyone fretting about last week? Well, it turns out that chickens roam wild on these islands; so there's no need to freak out about losing one or two (I'm looking at you, white tribe). With all this free poultry to be had, the Latinos went about devising a plan to trap a bird. Cristina had one idea of how to implement Operation Chicken Trap, but Ozzy unsurprisingly had a different strategy. Ultimately, they went with his plan, and sure enough, they were able to capture a sole chicken in a net. Hooray!
Afterwards, a cocky Ozzy noted, "I feel like I've shown what I offer to the tribe; so I feel comfortable with my standing within the rest of the group." He's such a goner.
Over at Puka, the Asian tribe, similar efforts to ensnare chickens were underway. Unlike the Latinos, who used a net, the Puka-ites were implementing the old box-propped-up-with-a-stick trap, and guess what? They managed to trap two chickens, thus asserting Asian dominance once again. After the birds had been caught and roasted, we then finally saw this episode's metaphorical hermit crab which was moving at quite the slothful pace, I might add. Normally, the crabs are scampering about like cocaine-addicted crustaceans, but not this time. This bad boy was taking his time, like he'd just eaten a huge meal at some soul food shack.
Anyway, we then saw Yul and Becky bonding on the beach. Since they were both Korean, they had a special connection, and plus Becky worked with non-profits; so Yul had to trust her now. Besides, I'm sure their last names were both Park or Cho; so that's like a bond right off the back.
We then saw more listless crabs, and then Becky told us that in Korean, "Opa" means "Big Brother." And hence, Yul was sort of like her Opa. Awww. Just wait until Opa stabs you in the back...
Last and kind of least, the white tribe (Raro) was busy this fine day greeting Jonathan after his arduous stay on Exile Island. It was a warm homecoming, but it soon turned sour as Jonathan expressed frustration that no one had worked on anything while he was gone. Specifically, Jonathan was pissed that the shelter floor hadn't even been started. As he reiterated over and over again, HE WANTED A GOOD FLOOR!
Well, Jonathan and "Flicka" got to work, but they should have never underestimated the power of young, lazy, white people (especially if they're wannabe actors). Parvati, Adam, and Candice turned their noses up at this extra work, refusing to participate and instead chilling out under the sun. A cranky Adam then whine about the entire project, saying, "I think it's the dumbest thing... Why do you think it'll be better when it's raised than when it's on the ground?" He then added, "I personally like being on the ground where all the bugs can bit me easily and the surf can flood up under my body!"
But I guess there's no swaying a man with a giant jaw and a dimple chin. He scoffed at the entire endeavor and continued his previously scheduled activity of sitting around and being a crab.
Speaking of crabs, when we returned from commercial, we finally saw the traditional scampering crab, which finally put an end to the reign of slow, fatigued crabs crawling around the screen. The big news was that Aitu was still catching fish, but uh oh! Not everyone was participating. Hefty castaway Billy (famous for chopping wood by banging it against a tree) was spending all his free time lying on his (quite large) ass. While everyone was doing chores, Billy was taking a nap. Yay lazy Hispanic stereotype!
At one point, Ozzy told Billy, "We have to do the floor today," and Billy merely said, "All right," and walked away to sleep. Somewhere in America, Adam was cheering Billy on, yelling, "DOWN WITH FLOORS! DOWN WITH FLOORS!" Point was that Billy was not pulling his weight (of which there was a lot), but don't start raggin' on him yet. He was a man with complex identity issues, and as a result, he was feeling excluded from the group. "Metal is my culture, instead of Hispanic being my culture," he said. In response, the Metal Culture said, "Um, yeah, we don't know him."
Over at Puka, our old friend Cao Boi was up to his old antics of pulling the wind out of people. This time, he attacked Becky (I think. It could have been the other girl), and as he rubbed a horrific red mark into forehead, he noted, "Most people I know in my life, sooner or later, they play with me long enough, they experience a red mark." Red mark or red rash? Either way, it couldn't be good.
That night, as the Puka tribe tried to go to sleep, Cao Boi once again let loose a stream of Asian jokes, causing all his teammates to grow furious. They all agreed that it was important to laugh at yourself, but there was also a line, especially on a venue like this. That didn't stop Cao Boi though, who said, "What do you call a Vietnamese with three dogs?" At this point, the tribe then interrupted him and explained again why he was being uncool. That was all well and good, but what about the rest of the joke?? You can't keep America hanging like that!
I will say that the next day on the radio, someone called into KROQ in Los Angeles and said the answer was "Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner," but that didn't really make sense because why would you call a guy breakfast, lunch, and dinner? You'd call the dogs that maybe. sg-dub then filled me in with the actual answer (his wife is Vietnamese, so he got it straight from the source). Apparently it's a two pronged joke: What do you call a Vietnamese guy with one dog? A vegetarian. What do you call a Vietnamese guy with three dogs? A rancher. Hopefully, your curiosity is sated!
Back at Aitu, Billy continued to plague the tribe, even after all the chores of the day were done. He was now sleeping in the shelter, snoring loudly and pissing everyone off. Ozzy suggested throwing the immunity challenge to get rid of Billy, and amazingly, people seemed to be all for it. The only one not totally on board was Cristina (and possibly that pesky rat eating the coconut). Of course, there could not be any more ridiculous of a plan. If the entire concern is that Billy will cause the tribe to lose immunity, why not just wait until that happens and then get rid of him, rather than ensure it? After all, Survivor is a numbers game, and when each tribe starts off with just five people each, that's not a lot of numbers. Let's not also forget that throwing an immunity challenge in Survivor is also one of the dumbest things you could ever do. I believe it was Pearl Islands when one tribe threw a challenge because they thought they had the wiggle room to do so, and then after that, they just lost over and over and over again until they were all voted out. Not a smart move, OZZY (pronounced Sharon Osbourne-ish).
After the commercial break, tree mail arrived, and we learned that the people from each tribe would be chained together. I'm sure that'll go over real well on the black tribe. Over at Aitu, Ozzy was still pushing to throw the challenge, and once again, Cristina still wasn't sure about it, something she alerted us to about thirty-five times. WE GET IT, CRISTINA.
Anyway, for this week's immunity/reward challenge, the producers thought up something equally as convoluted as last week's puzzle-boat bonanza. This time, Probst was going to tell a story about Captain Cook's three historic expeditions (I love when Jeff tells stories! It's like being back in Elementary School and having "Library Class"). Well, after story time, the members of each team would be tied together, and then they'd have to crawl through an obstacle course, untie and gather seven plaques, cross ropes over a water pit, and then use the plaques to successfully answer questions about the story. First three teams to finish would win immunity (with first place earning a reward of two tarps).
Well, since Hiki was down one person, the Latinos, Asians, and Whites had to each sit out a person. Billy desperately wanted to sit out this challenge (shocker!), but JP, easily the most athletic man on Aitu, insisted that he take the bench instead. Looks like they were gonna throw it! Yay stupidity! Probst then flapped his arms and the competition began. Here's something that'll blow your mind: the Asians took the lead! Who would have thunk it? Ozzy, meanwhile, took his sweet-ass time untying the plaques (which were all hanging high up on posts.
There's not much to really say about this challenge. It just involved lots of untying, scampering, and cutaway shots of Ozzy smiling mischievously as he sabotaged his own team. The Asians and the whites seemed to be neck and neck, but when it came time for the big puzzle, the Asians finished first. The Puka tribe raised their arms triumphantly, but wait! They had forgotten one, slight detail.
"YOU GOTTA BE ON YOUR MAT!!!" Probst yelled in his typical gym teacher way. These few precious seconds gave the whites enough time to catch up, and both teams managed to hop on their mat at the same time. Probst granted the Asians first place, followed by the whites, but later on, he said the tapes revealed that it was a tie. Tarps for all!
Meanwhile, back on the course, the blacks and the Latinos were still slogging along. I felt bad for Hiki because they were really trying, and the only reason they hadn't already lost pathetically was because Ozzy and the gang were throwing it for their tribe. I think Jeff sensed what was up because he suddenly barked, "Aitu is having a HOLIDAY!" Wow, I never knew Probst to be the type to use British terminology. He HATES holidays on the telly!
Well, Hiki pulled off third place, causing Nathan to jump up and down and kick the air (did this count as affirmative action?). This meant that Aitu would be going to Tribal Council, but if it was any consolation, they could pick someone to go to Exile Island. That lucky bastard: Yul. Bold move. Needless to say, YUL BE SORRY!
Before we went to commercial, we then saw Billy mutter under his breath to the white girls who happened to be standing next to him, "I'm next."
"We love you," said an empathetic Candice in consolation.
"I love you too," Billy replied back. Little did we know that this would be the next great love affair of the twenty-first century...
The Aitu tribe then returned back to camp, and on the way, Cristina sighed, "Well, that sucked." Um, yeah, except you did it on purpose. CBS tried to do a little misdirection on us by showing an increasingly disgruntled Cristina rebuking Ozzy (or Oscar, as she calls him) behind his back. She felt that she had seen his true colors, and she didn't like them at all.
Meanwhile, over on Exile Island, Yul looked miserable by himself. Luckily, he could pass the time by searching for the immunity idol, and not to perpetuate stereotypes, but Asians + word problems = success. Okay, I perpetuated. I apologize. My Asian friend said it was okay for me to say that though. Nevertheless, the clue this time around was significantly less abstract than last week's. "Use the mast and an island to form a letter, block out the south island, and you're doing better." Of course, Yul was able to figure everything out in like two seconds, next thing we knew, he was digging up a storm, eventually coming upon the immunity idol. We still don't know the rules of it this time around (if it's used, will the person with the second highest number of votes go home -- like last season?), but I was happy to see Yul brandishing this reward. He seems like a smart and likable guy, and I'm confident it'll be put to better use than it was under Terry's reign of power last season.
Back at Aitu, Billy sensed a possible ally in Cristina and began to work on her, saying that she was the next to go as soon as he was out. Not sure what to do, Cristina approached Cecilia and spoke to her about the situation... in Spanish! Who would have thought it would take this long to hear some Spanish on the Latino tribe?
WELL. Ozzy soon found out that Billy was trying to save his ass, and he was pissed! He did not like at all that Billy was trying to scheme his way out of this situation. Apparently it was okay for Ozzy to scheme Billy off the island, but not the other way around. Nobody dares threaten The Ozzy!
We then saw Cristina making some sort of palm front origami, but then I realized it was just a makeshift cup; so I stopped paying attention. The gang trekked up to Tribal Council where saw what may have been the seventy-fifth rat of the episode crawling about. I fully expected Probst to yell at the tribe for throwing the competition (he hates when people sully the integrity of the game), but instead he started off on a rather friendly note, saying, "So let's talk about the first six days." Oddly, he then added, "ESSE!"
Okay Probst didn't say that, but he did ask Ozzy if he was the leader. "No, I don't think I'm the leader," he replied, even though he's clearly led everything. Billy then told Probst that JP and Ozzy threw the challenge, saying, "I fell into a classic trap, and now I'm on the chopping block."
"N-n-n-n-no! I hate the way he's trying to sound like he's a victim right now!" JP said, clearly overlooking how Billy was kind of, you know, a victim to the tribe's scheming. I empathized with JP though. I mean, Billy did suck around the camp, and I totally get why they all hated him, but they couldn't act like he wasn't a victim. The whole tribe had ganged up against him, going to extraordinary lengths to ensure his ouster!
Anyway, JP and Billy bickered for a little bit, and then things became truly bizarre. Billy suddenly announced it was okay if he didn't win the million dollars. He had won something else: "My prize was that I fell in love in this game," he said. "Love at first sight. Her name is candice." And with that, Probst did probably the biggest double-take he's ever done on Survivor. Yes, Billy was referring to Candice from the white team, the same girl who had casually said to him earlier, "We love you."
"Candice from the Roro tribe?" Jeff asked incredulously.
"At the last challenge, we sort of mouthed the words 'I love you' to one another," Billy explained. Sadly, he probably didn't remember that Candice had said "we" not "I" and that when Billy had said "I love you," in response, she simply stared off into space, thinking about gumdrops or kittens.
Well, whatever chances Billy had to stay were clearly gone at that point. A tribe likes nothing more than when someone reveals a deep love for someone on an opposing team. Plus, it just proved that he was un pollo loco. There was more back-and-forth at Tribal Council, but honestly, there's no use rehashing it. The votes were pretty much as you'd expect. Billy voted against Ozzy, and then everyone else voted against Billy. And so, our Metal Man was separated from his true love. Star-crossed lovers indeed! Must Survivor always be so tragic?
Afterwards, Billy left us with some inane comments about metal, still trying to prove to us that he was "hardcore."
"I think it's kind of cool the heavy metal guy got eliminated by a guy named Ozzy," he said, referring to some "heavy metal guy," whoever that was. Oh wait, I keep forgetting. That's supposed to be Billy. He then added, "Too bad there's no heavy metal tribe. I think I would have fit in better there." He then added, "I mean, I have a skull on my t-shirt! That proves how metal I am! Rock 'n' roll!"
What did you think about this episode? And what about Billy's declaration of love?
Something tells me that this season of ANTM is going to be really good. Yes, there are new graphics, a new set for the judging panel, and a lot of new hype for being on a new network, but I just have this feeling we'll be talking about this one for a long time. Then again, I guess we should all meet the potential divas before we get too excited. Thirty three hopefuls came to Los Angeles with a dream to become America's Next Top Model, and by the end of the two hour episode, twenty-two of them would have their hopes under the cruel Vivian Westwood-esque heel of reality modeling. I can't wait!
As we opened the show, Tyra talked about how being a supermodel has been one of the most amazing experiences of her life. She might have also started it out with saying, "Being a supermodel is an amazing experience, especially when you can't act or sing". Oh, I'm just kidding. You know I still love you Tyra. If you watch the WE network, you have probably seen Tyra and Lindsay Lohan star in "Life Size", perhaps my favorite "girl wants to resurrect her mother but accidentally makes a fashion doll come alive" movie of all time. And I am positive that you all have heard Tyra sing, and maybe even have song along with her, because none other than Miss Bankable herself performs the ANTM theme song.
Anyway, Tyra has decided to pass the modeling torch and help introduce fresh and fashionable faces to the industry. She then goes on to describe how so many of the finalists have gone on to great success, which I guess is sort of true. Kim Stolz, everyone's favorite Billy Joe Armstrong doppleganger/lesbian model is hosting a show for mtvU, and Eva "The Diva" Pigford actually models and is featured in the best "Is Wayne Brady going to have to choke a bitch?" movie in years, Crossover. Other than that, it has been mixed results. I think a lot of the girls are working, but we just haven't heard about them. I do know that Michelle, everyone's second-favorite lesbian model/dermatology nightmare, couldn't even make it as a model on Janice Dickinson's third-rate reality show.
We are all used to the girls peeing themselves over the sight of Tyra, but the girls got giddy when they saw Miss J. I guess they all realize that seeing Miss J means that they will be on television, at least for one episode. Miss J tells them that they will be taking pictures right away and they head to the airport parking structure for their first pictures. This is also our first chance to get a look at some of the models. They must have listened to some complaints about the aging of the girls in recent years because it looks like most of the girls are 18, 19, or 20.
First up is Jaeda, who is from Parkersburg, Iowa. She is pretty, and it looks like there was somebody out there who really didn't want to let her go, because she is sporting what looks to be a sizable hickey on her neck, or maybe she just burned herself with the curling iron. Then we get Becky, who is from Sierra Village, California. She is excited because she is from a small town, and this is an amazing opportunity. Her town is so small, I can't even find any information about it on Google. We also meet Evita, mother of not one, but two kids. Those two kids also happen to have the flu, and they also happen to be without their father, who is serving a tour in Iraq. But don't cry for her America, because the truth is she'll always love you. She kept her promise; so don't keep your distance. Hopefully there are enough Andrew Lloyd Webber lovers out there who will get that joke.
The producers of the show are big on simulating situations that actual models may experience. At some point in their careers, they may be whisked away by private jet to an exotic location then get pulled off the plane immediately for a special shoot. Sure these girls were flying coach and told to do ten poses in the middle of short-term parking, but really, what's the difference?
Next the girls get whisked away to their hotel, he Bel Age in Los Angeles, which is so close to the TVgasm offices that I am actually going to call it painful. I mean, what the hell? People know I love Top Model, they know I love Tyra. Why don't they tell me that they would all be within stalking driving distance?
But let's not get caught up in anything right now, there is still plenty of show left and assuredly many more dumb things that will piss us off even more. The girls are just sitting down for a little bit of breakfast when out of nowhere come Ron and Richard Harris, better known to you and me as "The Aswirl Twins". They were slightly funny last year, but their encore was, how do you call it, oh yes, stupid. Luckily they were only there to distract the girls from the main attraction, as out walked Tyra Banks! Tyra, looking a little bit more rubenesque, but no less lovely than before, did a little swirl on the stage. I guess I should be used to all of the shrieking these girls do whenever Tyra's name is even mentioned, but they were screaming louder than somebody who had just paid $15 to see Hollywoodland. I counted at least three people crying.
Jaeda might have been the sweet girl from Iowa when we first saw her, but she calls herself the hot girl in school, and says that guys give her compliments. She says "the entire football team" and then they cut her off, perhaps because she was about to make a Jennifer Vasquez-esque revelation about why the football team was so happy, but she did admit to being "caught in the huddle" a couple of times. Overall, Jaeda is sweet and also has a great body. If Halle Berry had stayed married to David Justice and they had a love child, it would be Jaeda.
I may seem like I am being insensitive but lets not forget that Evita has a husband who is serving in the military, and LeAngela, while still able to become the first ever African American homecoming queen in her town, grew up in foster care. Oh, and we are just getting started. AJ, who I like from some angles, and not from others, had cervical cancer. And where there is cervical cancer, you know there was HPV, i.e. genital warts.
None of these girls could top Megan's story. Megan is 23, but looks much younger. Some people are going to compare her to Kim, but I think she has a much better body and an edgier look. I am rooting for her just because Mollie Sue left too early last year, and I am sure that Tyra is going to try her Rosemary's Baby haircut yet again with her. As for Megan's story, she was in a plane crash when she was nine. The plane crashed in an open field and her mother died of hypothermia before the rescue could come. Megan only survived because her mother had covered her with her own body, supplying the necessary body heat to make sure she didn't freeze to death.
Our long list interviews on this first day included tap dancing Brittany and pole dancing Cyndel. Cyndel is a stripper, but she calls herself an entertainer. The judges were sort of amused by that, but when Cyndel said that entertaining and modeling are a lot alike, you could tell she wasn't going to get very far. Then again, any stripper from Wichita, KS would be proud to say they got a free trip to Los Angeles and didn't have to risk getting cervical cancer to do it.
Let's not forget about Ginger, who was so very proud that she was on the staff of a Republican in the House of Representatives. I guess your life is not complete until you've spent a summer spurning the advances of men three times your age. You may remember the girl last year who said that she can't stand homosexuals but somehow thought that wouldn't hinder her at all in the modeling world. Tyra wanted to make sure Ginger wasn't a repeat of that sort of thinking, but Ginger said that she isn't afraid to see what's different. I say that she looks like Lily Kane, aka Amanda Seyfried.
I am sure part of the reason why they did this shoot was because they wanted to see how badly the girls wanted to be on the show. Suddenly Ginger was not so sure that she could do it, saying that it was against her morals to "expose your private parts for people to see". Although I hadn't seen the results yet, I was pretty sure that the photographer was not going to ask anybody to expose their private parts; this wasn't Penthouse. Besides, nude doesn't mean that you aren't covered up. Use one arm to cover your boobs and the other to keep the cooter hidden. Or take a picture with your back to the camera, or take a picture with your knees covering your breasts, or use some of that fake hair to keep things hidden. As Jay said, nudity can be shot in a classic style and just because they want to look classy and sexy doesn't mean they are going to look sleazy and trashy.
Most of the girls got naked with no problem. Brooke got up there first, saying that there was a ferocity in her eyes. As we all know, it's so much better to have fierce eyes than ferocicrotch. The girls who followed were much like Brooke because they were scared at first, but felt almost exhilarated afterwards. I really couldn't understand why so many of the girls decided to eat right before they got their pictures taken. If there was any time to starve yourself and do some coke to keep your energy up, this was it.
When it was finally Ginger's time to go up, she still said that she couldn't do it. She was waiting on the side with a towel, but not even the photographer could convince her to go up and give it a shot. Then again, it's not like the photographer had this face that anybody could trust. Take a look at this guy, would you let him take your picture naked?
With the first shoot over, it is now time for the judges to deliberate on which of these semifinalists will make it to the finals. Megg appeared to annoy the judges just as much as she annoyed all of us, but the judges liked her close up a lot. They also generally liked Megan, but Jay said he was a little nervous about her proportions, meaning that he thought she was a little too short. Miss J loved how Caridee seemed willing to go 199% to succeed in this business, although I think they were wondering about her Darryl Hannah Kill Bill vol. 2 Fight Scene Hair choice that she made. Miss J went on to say that Eugenia was Eugenius in her close-up, but at certain other angles she looked just average. I liked Eugena but she didn't really blow me away.
When the judges got to Melrose, Jay Manuel said he reminds her a lot of the models of the late eighties, which makes sense because I am pretty sure that is when Melrose first started modeling. Tyra was just happy to hear that the 80s were coming back because she already had the big hair to go with it. I'm fine with the 80s revival because I would really like to see if girls would once again wear huge shoulder pads and if all the kids would be running around with acid wash jeans and Michael Jackson red pleather jackets, not that I knew anybody who did that sort of thing....
Christian got props for knowing all of Tyra's poses and they seemed genuinely excited about AJ, calling her a great canvas, although they weren't so sure of the face. Once again Tyra said that Anchal is so pretty it's scary, but Jay thought in more of a Miss World pageant sort of way. I think that is code for saying that Anchal's boobs are too big and that her hips may look good on television, but not in Vogue. Monique got a very interesting compliment as Jay said that she could book cosmetic ads, high fashion editorials, or even liquor ads. I'm sure that's just what she wanted to hear. Who knows, maybe she'll star with Black Jason in a new Bailey's commercial.
I think it's not hard to see why they say that Jaeda has some masculine features. While I don't think that they are as dramatic as Corinne from Cycle 5, I can agree with Tyra that it means her face has good bone structure. For some reason, Jay Manuel thought it would be a bad thing to say that Jaeda has more masculine features than he does, but let's be honest, a Liberace pool party would be more masculine than Jay Manuel, so I don't think Jaeda should worry all that much about it. Besides, I am not sure how they can call Jaeda masculine while only calling Jaslene "a little too hard".
Last but not least (actually, they are the least, if we judge by their weight), we got to the twins. The judges keep on saying that these girls could get a lot of work, so I guess Auschwitz-chic is in for the fall or something. I have decided that they have great eyes, but everything else is completely unappealing. Tyra loved Amanda's "energy and sex appeal", and I am going to withhold final judgment until after the makeovers, but the only way I would call these girls a catch is if you were spending your time looking for rats. The judges can't really say anything other than "they'll be comfortable to work with", and Jay said he liked one of them, but didn't know which one. I hope they don't decide to take both and sort it out later.
Finally, it's time to pick our finalists. The girls lined up as Tyra began pulling out pictures for the first time this year. First up was Melrose, which was sort of a surprise, but I guess they liked how much she knew about the industry. Next Tyra called Jaeda, and my hopes of a no-twin final were dashed when Michelle's name was called. Eugena, Brooke, Anchal, AJ, and Christian had their names read, and I don't really think they were any big surprises. However, with only six names left, you started to wonder which of your favorites might go home. I was sort of happy to see Megg's name called because her bubbly excitement is surely going to cause one of the girls to go off on her, and then came my early favorite, Megan. Caridee's name was called and my hopes of forcing Michelle to live without Amanda were dashed when Amanda's name was called.
The remaining girls looked on as Monique's name was the last to be called. That has to feel really bad. I sort of liked Evita and Becky, and would have much rather had either of them over the twins, but I think they made good choices. If I were Becky or Ginger, I would have been more than a little upset that I had dropped trou on the roof of a hotel and had my vagina on display for all of West Hollywood (not that there are all that many people in West Hollywood who care about vaginas) and didn't get picked. Luckily for them, the only other people to see them naked will probably be some lonely guy in the tape room at Bankable Productions.
I thought that the girls would go to their house first, but instead we had our first official challenge. Melrose said that it was like they were all on a mission and they were all walking towards it. Yes Melrose, maybe because that mission is to get to a place called "Hollywood and Highland" and you girls are literally walking towards it.
When they got to their studio, it reminded me a lot of one of the places that they used in The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. What's even more interesting is that they met the designers from Elmer Ave, also featured prominently in an episode of Janice Dickinson. Elmer Ave is a men's fashion line, so I was kind of wondering why they would be involved. They did trot out a bunch of male models, so it was not hard to figure out that they must be involved in some way.
Jay told the girls that they were to pick out their favorite male models, take their clothes, and give it their own feminine style. It seems that any time a male model is on the set, the girls get all giddy. The girls weren't actually posing with the guys, so there was no repeat of the Nnenna incident last year when she kissed that model and made her K-Fed impersonator boyfriend cry. There was an ANTM reunion on the Tyra show this week, and yes, Nnenna was still going out with that douchebag, and yes, it still looks like he shaves with a butter knife and no, it doesn't appear that he has fixed his teeth.
This challenge should have been perfect for AJ, because her hair already said rocker more than anybody else, but she did what most of the girls did, which was where the jacket as a dress and use a tie as a belt. The only people more mundane were Amanda and Anchal, who wore pants and a jacket opened to reveal their bras. I really liked the way Brooke used her jacket and shirt as a sort of wrap, but thought she needed something more than a tube top above the waist.
With the challenge over, it was time to introduce the girls to their ride for their time in Los Angeles. The ANTM mobile is a stretch Escalade limo, all decked out like you would expect. The limo took the girls to their new house in beautiful Brentwood, Los Angeles. And if you decide to visit Brentwood, you can bump into all sorts of celebrities from Arnold Schwarzenegger to Cloris Leechman and formerly, OJ Simpson. I thought they would stick closer to Hollywood, but perhaps they have some stuff planned on the West Side of Los Angeles and thought Brentwood was better.
The theme of their new house was Tyra, the magazine. Now although Tyra magazine is not a real magazine, I don't think it would surprise anybody if it were in the works. I mean, if Rosie was able to rock her own magazine, why not Tyra? Anyway, when the girls walked into the front door, they all started screaming. I'm not sure if the producers just told them to scream a lot of if these girls simply have healthy lungs. Personally, I don't mind screamers in certain situations, but there has to be all loud all the time does get annoying, no matter how hot the girl may be.
Normally, I don't like to spend too much time talking about their houses because by now these reality houses begin to look the same. Then something strange happened. Brooke got in the diary room and started doing the Mike Boogie/Dr. Will telephone joke. She calls herself, answers the phone, and says, "I get to live my dreams?". The only thing missing was her looking at the camera and laughing hysterically as she falls over.
It also didn't take long for the first complaints to come out about how messy everybody else was. Melrose decided to cook everybody a big dinner, which is nice, except nobody wanted to clean up after Melrose made a mess. Actually, nobody wanted to clean up after anybody made a mess, and there was so much garbage lying around by the second day that Melrose decided that she was going to have a meeting about to the two most important things in a house full of girls, the kitchen and the bathrooms.
Everybody sort of agreed to clean up after themselves, but when the discussion switched to cutting back on shower time, things got a little testy once again. This time, Monique said that there was no way that she wasn't going to take all the time she needed in the shower, even though other girls decided that they would try to limit themselves to twenty minutes, causing Anchal to call Monique koo-koo. Of course, nobody discussed what would be the perfect solution for all of them: put two or three girls in the shower at the same time! It worked for Grey's Anatomy, so why can't it work for ANTM? Of course the cameramen might have problems keeping the cameras, uhhhh, upright, but you could package all of the extra footage for Cinemax late night. I'm not sure about you, but I would Tivo Raunchy Runway Roommates. Doesn't that just sound like a winner?
Although the house might have become a toxic nightmare, there is something that makes all of those problems melt away. I am, of course, talking about Tyra Mail. The first Tyra Mail said, "People think that models are stupid, anorexic, drug addicted bitches. Are YOU???", which is funny enough in itself, but right after Melrose read that out, the camera switched to a shot of She-Gollum One and Two (i.e. Amanda and Michelle), looking their strung out best, completely unaware of the irony of that statement.
Actually, a lot of the girls were confused, until Mommy Melrose said "I think we are doing a shoot tomorrow", and of course she was right. The girls gathered around some home in Beverly Hills and they watched as Tyra strutted down and put on her best Diva impersonation. I am not sure what was more hilarious. Was it the fact that the girls took so long to figure out that Tyra was just putting on an act? Was it Tyra falling over in what I think was supposed to be an act and screaming like Janice Dickinson on cocaine? Or was it the fake accent Tyra was trying to pull off, which switched from French to German to Italian, and everything in between. It really pains me to say this, but Tyra was looking mostly Transylvanian herself, but I didn't notice much because I was staring at her boobs.
The assignments were: AJ - casting couch, Amanda - anorexia, Caridee - dumb blonde, Brooke - backstabbing bitch, Christian - model turned actress, Eugena - the black girl the industry wants to turn white, Megan - the girl with the lap dog, Michelle - bulimia, Jaeda - plastic surgery, Megg - drug addict, Anchal - narcissist, Monique - throwing your cell phone at your assistant, and Melrose - the model who won't get out of bed for less than $10K a day. Amusing? Definitely. Controversial? Only if you think the world revolves around modeling.
People liked when talked about each girl last year, so although it adds yet more length to the recaps, I'll be doing the same this year.
What's the problem? Well, there is none, except that the biggest backstabbing bitch is Jay Manuel. If a model gets on his bad side, he is a little too obvious in his attempts to sabotage. And if he doesn't like, any little thing you do will get back to the judges. Hmm, I wish they could have left room for another stereotype, the art director who thinks that his presence on set is more important than the models. Usually Jay waits until somebody is a real bitch to go off, but he must be getting over a bad breakup, because it's clear he was the biggest diva of them all on the set today. It got so bad, Melrose ran off to the bathroom to cry.
As for the picture, Melrose did only OK. She photographed much older than what she looked on the runway, and is not exactly what I would call a fresh cover girl face right now.
Well, now it was time for the judging. As you may have noticed, there was a new set, and to go along with that new set was a new set of prizes. The winner would be getting a contract with Elite models (not Ford models as previous winners) and would be on the cover of seventeen (instead of Elle Girl) along with a six-page editorial. There was still the contract with Cover Girl, but what was that? There was no photo shoot with Gilles Bensimon? How could they? Just because GIlles is tight with Elle doesn't mean he can't put himself out on loan every now and then does it?
Megan's name was called first, and as I said before, it was a great photo, although they didn't like the close-up. Nigel liked how she owned the photograph, which I take to meant that despite all of the other bodies in the photo, you could tell she was supposed to be the focus. This was in contrast with Monique, who was in the background and didn't stand out at all. Caridee was praised for how well she was able to give many variations on dumb.
When we got to Anchal, Tyra noticed right away that she had taken out her blue contacts. Anchal said that in a way she was hiding behind them and she can look at her photo and look pretty. Hopefully being called gorgeous all the time is going to turn Anchal into a huge bitch, because it does seem like she is gaining lots of confidence. One things she didn't need was for Nigel (who is part Indian) to talk about saying "we are all unique in our own ways". I am sure it was supposed to make her feel better because it is coming from an Indian (actually Sri Lankan), but Nigel is of the light skinned persuasion as well, so it seemed sort of odd to hear him say that. If anybody could help her get by, it is Monique. Forget about the caste system, her only family made fun oh her and her dark skin.
The biggest problem the judges had with Meg was her frumpy dress. Tyra decided to help her fix it, and hiked it up so far in the back that the censors had to come to the rescue. They liked Megg's picture, but said she has to be careful with her eyes.
After Megg came the twins. I am running out of ways to talk about my displeasure with them. Yes, they did photograph well, but I can't believe how much the judges fawned all over them. Twiggy nearly peed herself talking about them. I think Twiggy is OK as a judge, and I don't think she needs to be as entertaining as Janice was, but for once I would like to see her go crazy for a model that isn't the modern version of herself. No, Twiggy is not six feet tall, but she made lack of hips popular way before either twin did. They said the pictures were so good, it's scary. To me, Michelle's bulimia pic looked like she had been caught backstage of a Fiona Apple video, not that she had just purged herself of dinner.
As expected, Jay narc'd on Melrose, and the judges gave her shit about it. However, she did look really old. Then again, the only thing she had to work with is an oversized check. She's not going to be working for PowerBall, so I am not sure how she was supposed to express that emotion. The judges liked Brooke's photo, but thought she lost it in the film. Eugena had similar feedback as the judges said she had a strong face, but didn't do anything with it.
So, who was the first to go? Tyra called Michelle's name first, then Caridee, AJ, Megan, Anchal, Megg, Monique, Amanda, Jaeda, Eugena, and Brooke. That meant that it was down to Melrose vs. Christian. I think Melrose's picture was bad, but I think the judges knocked her down a few notches because of what Jay said. I thought Christian was only average, but the only photograph as bad as hers was Jaeda, and like I said, she is just too hot to go. Personally, I thought that the judges would get rid of old-looking Melrose, but I was wrong. Christian, the Naima-ish girl from South Carolina was the first to go. I don't like to get too caught up in the eliminations before the makeovers, but I will say that it seemed fair to me.
Wow. So last week the comments on my recap for Nip/Tuck were pretty much even divided between those of you who loathe my take on the show, and those who like it. Most distressing of all were those of you whose comments neither stroke nor bruise my ego, suggesting that perhaps. I do, in fact, like this show. If I didn't I wouldn't be spending hours a wekk recapping it. But like that younger cousin everyone has who has started to go down the wrong path, I just want more for this show than to be the butt of my constant jokes. If I wanted to write a recap about a show I didn't like you'd be reading a really scathing 7th Heaven recap every week.
All that being said, I actually enjoyed this episode immensely. I can sum up this episode by paraphrasing my best friend Carla, a devout Nip/Tuck watcher, who was also left discouraged by last season. "I kinda liked this episode of Nip/Tuck. Is that wrong?" Find out why Carla is right after the jump!
Tonight we start with some hardcore penis measuring. No, not literally, you dirty birds, but I think the fact that Sean's brand new car is a Toyota Hybrid and Christian's is an orange Lamborghini says something about the stick these fellas are driving. One can assume that Sean is the man comfortable with the size of his cock. I mean, does a 40 year old man driving a brand new Orange sport scar scream anything other than overcompensation? After discussing the merits of small vs. large cock, Sean hands Christian a pager informing him that baby Sebastian is going to be born any day now, and its family tradition for Christian to be there for all the McNamara children's births. In some cases, Christian is even their for the conceptions
So what did you think is next for Christian and his flabby belly? A consultation with Sean, of course! For the first time Christian is at the other end of the "Tell me what you don't like about yourself?" conversation. Sean isn't all that happy about Christian's Body Dysmorphic attitude, but calling a specimen of human perfection, is a bit much. Okay, it's a blatant lie. Christian to drive his point to the doubtful Sean, starts circling his problem areas (DRINK). Sean takes this opportunity to make Christian's self-hatred alllll about him and his unborn lobster baby. How can Christian lay all of this on him when his wife is about to give birth to one of the most beloved Disney characters of all time? Christian is caught off guard by the fact that there is someone else in this world other than him and his waxed eyebrows. Christian was under the impression that Sean was doing just fine, because what says I'm ready to have a handicapped child better than a Hybrid card and a cow covered car seat? Sean, not wanting to show any weakness, claims he is okay, but just stressed about all the work that still has to get done for Sebastian, and his royal guests King Triton and Prince Eric. Sean's parting shot to Christian on the subject of his Pillsbury Doughboy body: Call your trainer.
Christian actually takes Sean's advice and calls his trainer, but he's too busy trying to catch his breath and staring at AC Slater to get a proper workout (DRINK). Christian's feigns disgust at the multitude of models and actors with perfect bodies, who only have time to "work out and jerk off". His trainer then corrects him. It seems that Mario isn't a model, he's a plastic surgeon. Call him, Christian 2.0.
Okay, now for this next scene, if you're playing along with the drinking game at home just chug your beer or do a shot or finish your wine, because any scene that starts with Christian entering a shower and a slow-mo of a very fit AC Slater with water dripping off him, is definitely worth a few "Is Christian Gay?" drinks.
After Christian cleans up from his shower, he runs into Hello Kitty Jackson. Matty hasn't been returning any of Christian's calls. HK Jackson claims he's been busy, but in fact just kind of thinks that Christian sucks. Christian in turn tells Matt to stay away from Kimber, officially making it a certainty that the two will end up doin' it hardcore. The conversation ends badly, with HK Jackson telling Christian he just can't handle having him in his life right now. Not completely unreasonable, if you ask me.
Sean and Julia are having their first round of Night Nurse interviews, and I can't express how pleased I am that we didn't get that montage that most shows or movies piece together involving a series of interviewees each more wacky and zany than the next. You know what I'm talking about. Maybe the exclusion of such a scene is a good sign for the rest of this season. The candidate Sean and Julia are fawning over is a mousy looking girl, who calls handicapped children, handicapable. I, obviously, immediately hate her.
Sean calls Julia and makes up some lame excuse about running out of gas. Sean immediately regrets ude Law-ing his nanny, but not as much as Monica is regretting it. It seems our little Harmonica is a bit cuckoo. She bedded the last father in the family she worked for, who apparently wasn't so nice to her. He used to tell her that she made love like an ugly girl - grateful for whatever she could get, which is so mean that it even gives nasty old Umnata a pause. Just to add a little insult to injury, Sean informs her that she didn't get the job with his family, as it would be just too much of a cliché to actually be sleeping with the babysitter. He does however want to do something for her, since she refers to herself as a pig with lipstick on. Ouch. She's doing such a good job making fun of herself that there's almost nothing left for me to say. Damn you self-deprecation!
This is a big night for Nurse Linda, mostly regaled to the background, but this episode coming out with tons of lines. Someone must've paid the dues on their SAG card (Screen Actors Guild, not Straight Acting Gays, in case Lance Bass is reading this). Nurse Linda has walked in on Sean performing a Deviated Septum repair with no assistance. When she realizes that it's Monica (whom Nurse Linda set up with Sean and Julia) on the table and that Sean didn't hire her for lack of experience, she starts to get suspicious. Her suspicions are confirmed when Christian storms in puts two and two together: "You porked her!" Ugh. "Porked" is my all-time favorite euphemism for having intercourse. Thank you to Rusty Griswold for first introducing me to it.
In the break room, Liz is trying to make some Espresso, and it's a testament to how much I'm enjoying this episode that I don't immediately a) finish my drink and b) take the bottle drive it into my throat. I really don't like Liz. Or maybe I'll start playing around with calling her Lez. Sanaa Lathan strolls into the office offering to help with her the Espresso. No seriously, JUST her Espresso machine. Lez tells Sanaa that she appreciates all the upgrades, such as the Espresso Machine, and the free Peep show she got in the parking lot. Oh it should also be noted that this is the first time that we learn Sanaa Lathan's first name is Michelle (unless I missed that in the Season Premiere). Lez decides to stick her beak in where it doesn't belong (shock, I know) and tells Michelle that she understands what she's going through with her confused sexual identity. Lez was also married when she got her memo about being gay. A memo, huh? How delightfully formal. Michelle says she has not idea what Lez is talking about, even after Lez explains that she spotted Michelle making out with Jacqueline Bisset the other day. Granted she couldn't hear what they were saying over the sound of her vibrator, but Lez definitely saw Jackie B. fondle Michelle's boobies. Lez, sees NOTHING wrong with essentially outing Michelle, and tells her that she's here for her to talk to anytime she needs. Anyone else find this completely out of line of Lez? And obviously, Jackie B. isn't Michelle's girlfriend, as she didn't look too pleased to be seeing her, and she had to give her wads of money. All the girlfriends that I pay for don't let me call them my "girlfriend."
At the office, Sean, Christian and Lez are working on a big fat guy's surgery. Lez suggests that instead of surgery maybe this guy should've just stopped with the Guacamole. It's these sorts of things that really hock me off about Lez. How can she be on such a high horse ALL THE TIME, and yet she still work at McNamara/Troy. If she's such a talented Anesthesiologist there are tons of other places she could work, where she wouldn't feel so ethically stifled. But she can't go work somewhere else because then who would Christian spar with? Regardless, Christian supports Super Chubs decision to go through with surgery to better himself. This leads to a tête-à-tête between Christian and Lez over their respective physical imperfections that ends hysterically with Christian questioning Lez's "weedy cooch" and "gunt." There crossfire is cut short by Michelle, who has just entered a surgical room without sterilization to interrupt a major surgery by firing Lez.
Christian, Sean and Lez head into Michelle's office (hopefully, they finished the surgery, but I wouldn't bet on it). Lez is being fired for sexual harassment, which actually makes sense. Lez believes what she saw, and of course, is standing by her story that Michelle is a big ol' lesbian. Michelle informs Lez that not everyone is gay. That may be true, but it's only the 3rd episode o f the season, and it seems that everyone on this show is, in fact, gay. Michelle asks how Sean would feel if someone said that he and Christian were lovers (DRINK DRINK DRINK). Michelle finally caves, and leaves Lez on probation.
Christian has visited AC for his Lypo and it's going rather smoothly. Guy jabbing Christian with a stick (DRINK).
Julia gives birth to a healthy, bouncing baby lobster. Okay, okay. Just to prove that I'm not totally dead inside, it is rather upsetting seeing this little baby, with the lobster hands. It's heartbreaking in fact. Doesn't mean I'm going to stop calling him Sebastian or stop making fun of him, it just means that I recognize the sadness of the situation.
You know who else recognizes the sadness? Annie, who promptly BUGS OUT when she sees her little brothers claw-hands. Ooooh, I feel some evil Annie stuff coming up and I couldn't BE more excited.
With the fall season kicking off this week, all eyes were on ABC and CBS last night as Grey's Anatomy squared off against CSI for the first time. Would Dr. McDreamy be able to out-dream the likes of Marg Helgenberger and several dead corpses? The answer, in short, is yes. Turns out that Ellen Pompeo's plea to pick her, choose her, love her worked. Grey's Anatomy reeled in 25.14 million viewers in the overnights, besting CSI by 3.1 million (the veteran drama raked in 22.04 million viewers. Not too shabby). However, the real winner of the night was 'Til Death, which managed to bring in its first two viewers. In fact, they even videotaped themselves watching, just in case you didn't believe that they endured such an experience. Check out their experience here. And for more ratings information, click here.
Like OMG! Did you see Laguna Beach last night? Kyndra totally started dating her old boyfriend again! And he was all "Look at the ring I got you," and she was like, "It has so many sides," and he was like "I know," and she was like "It's crazy that I'm in high school and you're in college," and he was all "NEVER TALK OF THAT AGAIN!" and Tessa was like "I like Cameron" and Cameron was like "I like Jessica," and Jessica was like "I'm not going to that birthday party," and the guy on the bongoes was like "Cool beats," and Rocky's mom was all, "Are you gonna help with dinner?" and J-Wahl was like "Creepy!" It was like so random!
Yes, after last week's eventful tryst in San Diego, Laguna Beach returned to its titular locale, but just because we were back to our cove by the sea didn't mean things were all the same. Oh no. Tessa apparently had fallen back in love with Cameron after their lip-locked antics, as evidenced by the opening narration where she monotonously bleated, "I... like... him... so... much..."
The narration also clued us in on another stunning development: Kyndra might not be on the open market for much longer. "Kyndra was about to fall back on the only guy who could put her in her place: her much older ex-boyfriend, Tyler." OMG! Much older ex-boyfriend Tyler! This would surely rock the foundation of the world as we know it!
Well, as the show opened up, we found Kyndra and Cami dressed like aspiring Pussycat Dolls and sitting on a couch together. The two babbled about whatever, and Kyndra revealed that Much Older Ex-Boyfriend Tyler had called her. Cami was clearly not happy about this (the only news she wanted to hear was when the Ring-Ding truck would be coming to town again). Apparently Kyndra and Much Older Ex-Boyfriend Tyler were not a match made in heaven. There was an "Ex" in there for a reason. But alas, Cami could sense that her Master was leaning towards welcoming Tyler back into her life, and there was not much she could do about it.
"Do whatever you want to do," Cami said.
"WHAT?" Kyndra suddenly snapped. "I'll do what I want!" Yes, Kyndra, she just said that. Hence Cami saying "Do whatever you want to do."
Cami then predicted that Kyndra would just wind up dumping Tyler again, but Kyndra said it would all depend on which restaurant he took her to for dinner. This was followed by general snickering, as if to say, "Aren't we so wickedly devilish?" and then with little ado, it was off to the opening credits. Afterwards, we went to Rocky's house (located, we're told, in a neighborhood in Laguna called "Top of the World." She WOULD live on top of the world!).
Anyway, Rocky and Tessa slunk around the kitchen, whining about dinner to Raquel's mom. I'm personally shocked that Tessa didn't put in a DVD request for later that night. You just know she's dying to watch Firewall with Rocky's parents. Nevertheless, we learned that Cameron -- he of the giant veneers -- would be having a birthday party that weekend, and when Rocky's mom asked the girls if they'd be going, a giggling Tessa suddenly gushed, "I hooked up with him in San Diego!" You know what they say: birds of a bland feather flock together!
Amazingly, Raquel's mom seemed to be slightly interested in this romantic entanglement, and she asked, "Is he what you guys call the player type?" Oh you kids with your newfangled slang! "Player?" That is hilarious! Someone should tell Leno!
Rocky then laughed at her mom and made the evening's most stunning observation: "He should be on Baywatch." Cameron and the Hoff together? Why, I think that sounds like a delightful idea. I would tune in happily! And by "tune in," I mean "bash my head in with a hammer." (Okay, who am I kidding? I'd totally watch.)
Speaking of Cameron, he and his new sidekick Nick W. were presently browsing for birthday guitars, occasionally testing them with a gentle strum. At one point, Cam found a guitar that he seemed to take a shine to, and in proper sidekick fashion, Nick commented, "I like how that one sounds!" He then added, "I am your loyal servant, Cameron. Your wish is my command."
Alas, despite having found a dream guitar, Cameron was still unsatisfied. Truth was there just weren't enough hotties at the Guitar Center -- which is quite shocking since we all know how much those Orange County hotties love guitar shops! As the two guys then drove back to the 'Guna, Nick made a bold sidekick move and suggested that his Master was not in fact infallible. He implied that Cameron was breaking hearts left and right, but like any Master would, Cameron spurned this sidekick observation, confident that he was not nearly the lothario he was being made out to be. I mean, just because he's hooked up with three different girls this season doesn't mean he's one of those wack-a-doodle "player types."
Elsewhere, we found the object of (most of) Cameron's affections, Jessica, dining with Roz, who had returned to her blonde roots. Well, not roots like hair roots. You know what I'm trying to say. Well, not only was Roz no longer a brunette (chances were this was filmed before she was a brunette in the first place), but she had another bombshell to drop on us. SHE HAD A TATTOO!! I was hoping it would be an artistic rendering of Peri Gilpin, but sadly, it was nothing as exciting. Roz had merely etched a tiny cross on her forearm. It looked small and harmless, but of course, it was imbued with meaning. That cross was Roz's way of declaring her sidekick independence. No longer was she second fiddle to Kristin Cavallari. She was her own girl, her own woman, her own MASTER! Huzzah!
Anyway, conversation quickly drifted off of Roz's tattoo and onto Cameron's upcoming birthday party. Jessica was concerned that it would be all high school kids, and she adamantly told Roz, "I'm like 'There's no way I'm gonna go to your birthday party!'" Translation: "I'm gonna say that I'm not going to go, but then hopefully Cameron and will beg and beg and beg until I feel adequately wanted, and then I'll go. And I'll talk about Jason the whole time too."
As usual, Roz was the voice of reason, and she told Jessica to just get over herself and go to the damn party. Damnit, Roz! Your rational thinking has no place here! We thought you'd get the hint when you weren't put in last year's opening credits. No maturity allowed!
We then headed to Candace's house (very exciting), and for those of you who don't remember who Candace is, she's the girl from the first episode who looked like the bizarre lovechild of a jack-o-lantern, a Staten Island secretary, and a candy apple. Anyway, she and Cami hung out and talked about, what else? Kyndra and her impending date with Much Older Ex-Boyfriend Tyler! The two girls were positively shocked that Kyndra would even entertain the idea of dating Tyler again. The only thing more earth-shattering would be if Candace announced that she might actually use suntan lotion at the beach from time to time. Did you see those shoulders? Peel-tastic! Of course, I can't speak. A Sunday afternoon at a Chargers game this week has left me with a forehead of flaky shame.
Anyway, soon it became very clear why Cami was so upset about the latest turn of events. If Kyndra was spending all her time with Much Older Ex-Boyfriend Tyler, then who would be Cami's Master? She would be an orphan! Lexie couldn't take her on -- she already had Tara, Candace and Bernice weren't even cast members, and Breanna, well, no one knows where the hell she is. Looks like it could be rough sidekick seas ahead for Cami!
Later that night, Kyndra headed over to Much Older Ex-Boyfriend Tyler's house, which, for all intents and purposes, looked exactly like Kyndra's, except with better lighting. Tyler, a skinny, sickly boy, had cooked dinner for his ex-flame, and now they were on the back porch, enjoying their romantic meal. The two discussed important things, like the ring he once gave her. In an enjoyably tacky move, Tyler marveled at the rock's size made sure to mention how much it will appreciate in value. Kyndra, meanwhile, could not get over the intricacies of the diamond, saying, "There are so many like... inci-- like--" FACETS, dammit! The word is FACETS. Even Cami would have know that. After all, her hair is huge with knowledge.
And in case we weren't sure just how proud Tyler was of the diamond bauble he had bestowed on his lovely, he noted, "That's something you hold onto for the rest of your life." He then added, "Dammit, bitch. Just tell me my gift is amazing, and in turn, I too am amazing as well. JUST SAY IT!"
The conversation eventually moved on from this highly fascinating diamond discussion, and soon the two wound up toasting each other. "Cheers to this delightful dinner!" Tyler said. Yes, delightful indeed: steaks with A1 Sauce! And to think, he almost took her to The Sizzler instead.
Then, as the two enjoyed this ever so delightful meal (where was the "foir gwar" I ask?), Much Older Ex Boyfriend Tyler suggested that they start things back up. Unfortunately, Kyndra was mid-chew, which meant we had to wait through an uncomfortable silence for her answer. Oh, Tyler. Don't you know you never pop the question mid-chew? Poor form! Well, sure enough, Kyndra accepted Tyler's proposition, which once again proves my theory: A1 is always the clincher! No Bullseye. No Heinz. Just A1 (and if you really want to kick things up a notch, I also recommend A1 Bold & Spicy. Grrrrrrowl!).
As we went to commercial, the two consummated their new relationship by making out perilously close to a giant blaze in the fireplace. I half expected the two to become engulfed in flames, but thankfully, no such disaster occurred.
After the commercial break, we found Kyndra and Cami at the St. Regis Spa where the two received well-deserved massages. It's about time they had some R&R from their hectic lives of reading magazines and making banal comments. Of course, the best part about a massage on TV is the requisite massage-table camera angle, which meant we got to see Kyndra and Cami with their faces pressed against the equivalent of a foamy, miniature toilet seat. And let me just say that the effect on Cami was not particularly flattering.
The two girls babbled about Tyler, but at one point, Kyndra had to stop the conversation to ask the masseuses a burning question: "Don't your hands get tired?" Unfortunately, the masseuses answered with nothing more than stony, shameful silence. Not even they could summon the will-power to engage in this inane patter.
Cami, however, jumped right in and noted, "I can't even write in class for thirty minutes without my hands getting... urgh..." She does know that massage and writing are two different things, right? Sadly, I'm not sure she did, which meant that Cami either thought the masseuses were writing on her back, or Cami writes by kneading her paper with her fist.
We then headed out to the golf course where Tyler was hitting some balls with... (fanfare)... Jason! That's right, Jason Wahler, J-Wahl, oh bearded one was back! "How's it going with Lauren?" Tyler asked, as I snickered quietly to myself.
"Everything's going really good," Jason said, adding, "Except for the fact that she dumped me, and I've been a mess, and I just wound up in jail. But aside from that, it's gnarly!"
Jason then got the lowdown on who was hooking up with who, and when Tyler noted that Cameron was now dating Jessica, J-Wahl couldn't help but exclaim, "Dude! That's so creepy!" Yes, it terrifies me to the core!
And with that, Jason disappeared from the episode, only the spectral memory of his spacey drawl dancing in our minds. We then went to Cameron's house where everyone was preparing for the big birthday celebration, and of course, bestest sidekick ever, Nick, was present to sooth his master's party-planning anxieties. You see, Cameron was nervous that there'd be a Jessica/Tessa showdown; however, seeing that Tessa seems incapable of raising her voice beyond a meager squeak, I really didn't think there'd be much drama.
Meanwhile, over at Beautiful Nails, Tessa was having her own anxieties: how to survive the manicurist's brutal attack! Despite there being no nerve endings in nails, Tessa still cringed before hers were clipped, almost as if she expected to get sucker punched with each falling nail clip. Ever the instigator, Rocky asked Tessa if she was going to give Cameron a birthday kiss (read: blowjob), but Tessa said she wanted to see what the reaction would be once she showed up. Just guessing here, but I think that reaction will be general apathy, followed by a sigh and a yawn.
Finally, it was time for the partay! The terrible, terrible partay. The first thing we saw was Cameron and some other guy playing guitars for people, all of whom looked dreadfully bored. There was also a guy on bongos, but as you can imagine, he didn't help anything. Jessica soon arrived with a frumpy friend, and the two of them wandered into the kitchen where they chatted with Cameron's mom, a friendly looking woman with giant teeth not unlike her son's. To be honest, there were a lot of things going on at this party, but I was really fixated on Jessica's mystery friend, who sort of looked like the Maggie Gyllenhaal of Laguna Beach. I'm not sure if that's a good thing.
Anyway, this party really seemed like it sucked, especially when it became apparent that everyone playing musical instruments with Cameron seemed to be forty or older. As for Jessica, she somehow got rid of her frumpy friend and wound up chatting with Cami about, you guessed it, Kyndra and Much Older Ex-Boyfriend Tyler. I forgot pretty much what they were talking about, mostly because I was fixating on the giant cold sore on Jessica's mouth. Ah, Jason may be gone, but he's certainly not forgotten!
Meanwhile, if you were wondering why Kyndra was conspicuously absent from Cameron's party, it's because she was going on a date with Tyler, or Ty Ty, as she called him. Tyler picked her up at her house, and as Kyndra left, some random grandfatherly figure bid her adieu. I'll assume that was her father, and I'll also assume that he's some sort of rich sugar daddy, which makes sense because Kyndra's mom always had that aging trophy wife look about her. Anyway, Kyn and Ty headed to the Blue Fin restaurant where they dined on a fine meal of sushi. Kyndra was particularly impressed with Tyler's proficient use of chopsticks, saying that he was "way too gnarly with those things!" Okay, calm down, Kyndra. It's not like he was performing elaborate balancing tricks with the chopsticks. He was merely using them in their normal capacity. It would be like me saying to someone, "Whoa! The way you used that fork to stab the chicken was AMAZING!"
Anyway, as the two talked, Kyndra noted that she was fourteen when they met, and he was eighteen (Tyler thought he was seventeen, but she corrected him). She then innocently asked, "Isn't it weird though to think that you're already in college and not in high school anymore? Whenever I think about that--" Kyndra started before Tyler bitterly interjected, "Why is it such a big deal that you need to bring it up? I thought we were beyond that!" NEVER SPEAK OF COLLEGE AGAIN! Yes, for some reason, Tyler was absolutely livid that Kyndra would mention their academic status. I don't know why. Maybe he wanted to talk about how wonderful the gifts were that he'd purchased for her instead. Either way, this was the rare situation where Kyndra was in the right. She seemed just as shocked as we were by Tyler's reaction, and while she tried to remedy the situation the damage was done.
"Do you want to change the subject and talk about something else?" a snippy Tyler asked. His edamame was ruined! Here's the thing, Tyler. If you don't want to talk about the differences in college and high school, don't date a high school girl.
Meanwhile, back at Cameron's party, Jessica was busy telling idiotic stories that Cameron obviously wasn't listening to. I say "obviously" because in the middle of a story, he would literally turn to someone else and strike up a conversation. Anyway, Tessa finally arrived with Rocky and Alex in tow, and just as we expected, she was brimming with horny optimism. Unfortunately, Cameron was nowhere to be found. That's because he was out in the backyard gettin' cozy with Jessica. Tessa, however, still thought she had a chance for romance. "Where's the birthday boy? Well, I'm going to find him!" she said in a line that was clearly added during post-production. Proving to be a useless sidekick, Nick quickly spilled the beans on Cameron's whereabouts, and Tessa went charging to the backyard to plant a big one on him. She stopped in her tracks, however, when out the window she saw her crush kissing Jessica. OMG! The horror! Who could ever imagine that a guy would kiss his girlfriend!
With that, Tessa stormed out of the party with her friends, not even stopping to sing Happy Birthday. Of course, this all felt very stagey, and I wouldn't be surprised if Tessa's visit to the party was perfectly harmless and without drama. I mean, it's Tessa. She doesn't storm out of places.
The next day, Tessa and Rocky hung out on a porch and talked about Cameron. Tessa was all bummed about the situation, which means I guess she'll go back to quietly fixating on Chase. "We can go beat him up or something," Rocky suggested, clearly not realizing that battering Cameron's face was not the way to get him on Baywatch. Raquel then came up with the better suggestion that Tessa and Cameron simply talk about the situation. Hmmm... I liked the physical assault plan more.
We then cut to the beach where Cameron was sitting with sidekick Nick and some guy named Derek. "Dude, I'm ready to work on my tan. I'm gonna get some abs after this," Derek said, detailing what would surely be the motto for his life. Suddenly, Cameron's phone began to ring, and he let out an urgent alert, "DUDE! Tessa's calling me right now!"
Perhaps feeling badly for failing his Master the night before (you know, by telling Tessa where Cameron was), Nick jumped on the grenade and said, "I'll tell her you're not around!" And with that, Nick answered the phone and pretended that Cameron was off in the sea, surfing under Poseidon's gaze (never mind that Cameron was guffawing just inches away from the phone).
Anyway, Nick actually wound up talking to Tessa for a little bit, trying to smooth things over between Cameron and her. I couldn't be sure, but I think he was actually breaking up with her on Cameron's behalf. Wow. That was above and beyond the sidekick call of duty. Amusingly, while Tessa shared her feelings with Nick, he interrupted to comment, "Dude, look at that wave!" He then added, "And look at that cloud! And that bird too! Are seagulls always white? Really? Shit."
Ultimately, the two hung up, and as the guys rose to wander off somewhere, Nick commented, "Drama!" Yeah, man. Why are girls always so dramatic when guys hook up with them one night and with another girl another night? Stupid girls.
And with that, the show ended. What did you think of this episode?
It was to be the interview of a lifetime. Diane Sawyer was gonna finally get to the bottom of the most pressing question in American pop culture: is Clay AIken gay? Unfortunately, Clay manages to sneak out with nary a confirmation nor a denial, and Diane Sawyer, ever the hardass journalist, lets him off the leash unscathed. And all she really needed to ask was, "Seriously, Clay. What's with the laugh?" Judge for yourself in these highlights from the interview.
Some pretty good stuff this week on Prison Break as The Fox River 7 (well, should it be 6 since Haywire is still nowhere to be found), all converge West towards the buried treasure in Utah, which for the first time is revealed to have cities within it. Also, we get to see some of our favorite boys together, working for a common goal again: T-Bag, Michael, Lincoln and Tweener. It's like a Beatles Reunion Tour, except slightly less awkward. As a matter of fact, besides the cringe inducing subplot involving Sucre and Maricruz, I'd say, all in all, this was the best episode of the season thus far. Find out why, after the jump...
Its road trip day on Prison Break! We start off seeing our favorite convict brothers heading towards Salt Lake City, Utah on Highway 150. Whoa. Are you telling me there are cities in Utah? CWAZZZZY. Michael has loosened up on the rules just a bit, so Linc is enjoying a little lite-radio listening. The only rub is that in between "Making Love Out of Nothing At All" and "After All" you have to listen to news reports on your old pally John Abruzzi getting shot up with more holes than the plot of Prison Break. How meta. Linc didn't think that Abruzzi would be the first one to get nabbed, but obviously he didn't know how strictly those bastards at Volkswagen enforce their endorsement contracts. Michael has gone past brooding into a down right simmer, as he fumes about their need to get to Utah, find Westmoreland's stashed dough, and head to Mexico. Michael wants to own his dive shop and he wants to own it now! Linc makes the mistake of suggesting that they just head to Arizona, pick up LJ and go to Panama. I love the way that Linc casually suggests they "pick up LJ", as if he were some spoiled brat who they were picking up from summer camp. Michael throws a hissy fit about needing the money to be able to do anything. Hark, is that the first sign of the unraveling of a one Mr. Michael Scofield?
On a train around Wyoming, C-Note is trying to smooth talk his way out of not having a ticket. He is quite charming, and while the elderly conductor isn't 100% convinced, he lets it slide for now. This is the first time I've really liked C-Note, using something else other than machismo to get out of a jam. Another side to him is quite welcome. However, I'm confused about something over here. I thought the last time we saw C-Note he was waiting outside his old house, as his wife was talking to the female Federal Agent Mahone had sent to his house (Rainbow Room, picture, etc). As a matter of fact, wasn't his wife setting him up, as she left the porch lights on, their signal that everything was copasetic? Have I missed a step?
In Twillie (best city name, ever?), the brother Scofield and Burrows are commenting on what a small-town this is. And they're just small-town boys. Livin' in a lonely world. And C-Note? He's taking his train headed for annnnyyyyywhhhhhere. But all is not laughs and Journey songs for the boys, as we see T-Bag lurking about! He too has made it to Twillie, at quite a convenient time. Ugh, rubber band snap.
Back in Twillie, Michael can't find Double K Ranch, the place where Westmoreland supposedly buried $6 million under a silo. Lincoln isn't too surprised - hey did you know he doesn't trust anyone? I also suspect that he doesn't give a rat's ass about a rat's ass! He tells Michael that Westmoreland "used his last breathe to blow smoke up your ass", which seems like a pretty silly way to use one's last breath. And I know - I have Asthma. Whether or not Westmoreland is a filthy whore of a liar, Michael can find out by simply strolling into the Municipal Building, which might be teeming with cops, but is also full of delicious Tax Assessors reports. Turned on yet?
We next get to see a mopey Tweener abandoning Debra Jean's car. He's sad, because it might have only been a few days, but Tweener was in love. He leaves the car and wipes it clean of his fingerprints - a nice effort, but apparently Tweener was too busy watching BET to check out an episode of CSI - and writes ALOHA on the window. I know that this means we're supposed to root for Tweener and his forbidden love, but ... ehh... Tweener can do better. Oh. And I have no soul.
We next get to see my favorite character on the show, the duplicitous Agent (I use the term Agent loosely, because I have no idea who he is agenting for) Kellerman, who has a rather Cloak & Dagger conversation with a one Mr. Kim about his updates on the Burrows problem. Kellerman boasts about gaining the confidence of Dr. Sara, which we've learned isn't exactly the hardest thing to do. I mean, Tara Reid puts up more of a fight giving it up. Regardless, he's heard Dr. Sara talk to Michael (a la last week's clandestine phone call) and once Dr. Sara leads him to Michael that will in turn lead them all to Burrows. Finally, the conspiracy makes a short, but welcome return to the plot. It's been totally backburnered ever since Duckface took a bullet to the Bill in the season premiere. My only concern is that I know "The Company", in conjunction with evil Prez Reynolds, was framing Lincoln for murder as revenge against his father, and possibly as a way to smoke him out, but I just hope that this whole thing isn't a revenge plotline. I'm assuming that Lincoln's dad has some info that "The Company" needs to keep hush, hush, because if it's just a big case of revenge it's going to be mondo lame. There seems to be a power struggle between Kellerman and Mr. Kim, over who is on top (dirty) of the information food chain, with both reporting directly to Prez Reynolds.
At Dr. Sara's apartment she is opening some mail, and gets another Origami Crane, this time with a phone number on it. Later, she heads over to another boring Church AA meeting where they are being taught about earning forgiveness. When the love fest ends, Dr. Kellerman now wearing his sweet demeanor and non-threatening smile as his alter ego, Lance, says that he wants to make Dr. Sara some pie. Dr. Sara is kind of caught off guard, as her pie shop is off -limits since the whole "fell in love with a criminal who used me to break himself and 7 other prisoners out of jail" thing. She politely declines. Lance quickly switches gears and says that he understands wanting to be alone, his "partner" is gone and he's been alone for quite sometime. HOLY COW! Lance is gay! No, not Kellerman, Lance! This does not bode well for Lance Armstrong's heterosexuality, since 2 of my 3 favorite Lance's are now gay. Well, played Kellerman, if you can't charm your way into her pants might as well charm your way into her heart, with the best disguise of all: non-threatening gay best friend. Dr. Sara is incredibly embarrassed. She thought that by make, he meant fondle, and by pie, he meant her vagina. If he can bring the pie to her place she's in.
T-Bag is hanging around town looking for some food, when he happens to stumble upon Tweener. T-Bag tries to intimidate Tweener into making him help him out, but Tweener, not only fell in love, he grew some balls over the past few weeks. They aren't in Fox River anymore, and Tweener doesn't need T-Bag or his gross hand. However, Tweener is still rather dim, so T-Bag convinces him otherwise.
Michael and Lincoln decide to enter the municipal building together, and just to make sure things are tense, Lincoln decides to act extra shifty. He might as well have put on a thin curly mustache and a trench coat. Wouldn't it have been smarter for only Michael to go in, because no one would question someone so pretty? Besides, they are looking for two brothers, and since Lincoln & Michael look like crap or like they've, oh I don't know, been on the run from the law for few weeks, it would've probably been a good idea for Lincoln to stay in the car. The problem with having a show centered around someone who is supposed to be a genius is that it's hard to accept something that you see as completely bogus, such as this.Rubberband snap. Anyway, it's a miniscule infraction, by comparison, and the guys make it into the building no sweat. They even get into the room where the allusive Map 1213 is held, which will lead them straight to the booty! But the kindly old gentleman,who is giving them the stink eye, happens to be the least of their problems. Bigger is the fact that Map 1213 has already been ripped out of the book. DUN DUN DUNNNN!
Luckily, the culprit isn't far, as Lincoln and Michael literally run into T-Bag. In this one moment, poor David Wright is replaced as my man-crush, when Michael says to T-Bag "Hey, Pretty," followed by: "What did you do to yaw hannnnd", in full T-Bag mimicry. Michael... being funny... IMPOSSIBLE! It's even more delightful as Michael stands back questioning him as Lincoln puts a beating to him. These guys sure do make a fine team. T-Bag is in a great deal of pain, so he admits to not having the map... but he knows who does.
On the train, C-Note is acting like my worst commuting nightmare, asking the woman next to him if he can use her laptop, if she has a pen and an extra Sudoku puzzle. She cheerily obliges, which reminds me that this isn't a depiction of the Long Island Railroad, where people have been shot for less. C-Note checks out an Army website and writes a few things down, which I can only imagine was a map of the Utah area he needs to go to. Unfortunately, while he didn't get beaten to death with an IPOD for multiple commuter violations, he is getting kicked off the train for being a big, fat liar. He tries to reason with the old, African-American train conductor, but he's not interested, even if C-Note does call him "Bro" a few times. The police have been called and there are some guards on the train that are going to stay with him until they arrive at the next station. Not if C-Note has anything to say about it! He makes a run for it, and it's totally Under Siege 2, except without Katherine Heigl to make it appealing. Luckily, the train happens to be crossing over a bridge, and C-Note jumps for it. I think it's pretty safe to assume that he'll be jusssst fine.
At the FBI office, Mahone is getting crankier and crankier, but he's also starting to notice a pattern, once he hears that C-Note was spotted pulling a Steven Seagal in Idaho. Why are they all headed west?
T-Bag informs Michael and Lincoln that the deal brokered with Tweener involved Tweener doing the shoveling while T-Bag stood around making sarcastic, Southern comments. Is it just me or is T-Bag's accent become less rural South and more Hannibal Lecter with every episode? Just so they won't have to listen to him, they stuff him in the trunk of the car as they go looking for Tweener.
Tweener has headed into a garden store and grabs some supplies, all while giving a big heaping load of attitude to the friendly store proprietor. He quickly learns the importance of civility when the young store owner decides to beat the shit out of Tweener with a baseball bat, having recognized him as one of the Fix River boys. The beating seems a little excessive, but it does the trick.
Next Michael enters the store, and having watched this past season of Psych, takes note of the out of place items (baseball bat, Tweener) and realizes that the jig is up with this guy. Mikey Sco to the rescue! He punches the guy in the face (first time that Michael's ever punched someone, you think?), but he doesn't go down. There is a quick grapple, that would've inevitably ended poorly for Michael, but with Lincoln swooping in, he's okay. They collect Tweener, who claims to also not have the map. Oooh. Seems like they've been duped by T-Bag, who made great use of his time in the trunk by memorizing and then eating the map they need to find the money.
Sucre. Wedding. Trying to stop it. Meets Maricruz's sister. She goes to get Maricruz. Or as I like to call it: Bathroom break.
"Lance" and Dr. Sara are having girl's night in, and Dr. Sara finally asks Lance if he knows who she is. He says of course, but she doesn't have to talk about it if she doesn't want to. She touches on the whole subject briefly, stating that she didn't mean for any of this to happen, she was trying to help an innocent man out is all. What Lance does want to know is if Dr. Sara and Mikey Sco were you know...involved. Come on Inmate/Hot Prison Doctor sex? That's got to be hotter than the conjugal visit trailer, right? Dr. Sara dodges the question and is aided by her father at the door. Agent Kellerman starts to panic, hearing the soon-to-be-VP's voice at the door, but Lance remains cool. Apparently, VP Tancredi isn't too deep into this conspiracy, since he has no idea who KellerLance is.
Dr. Sara takes her dad into the other room, and lays a huge weepy apology on him, that seems to melt his icy heart. She finally tells him that she's "Fine...but...scared." Daddy Tancredi promises that they will get through this together.
Meanwhile, KellerLance starts snooping around and it's not too long before he finds the phone number on the Crane and puts a trace on the number. Later we find out that the trace on the number was seemingly fruitless, as it hasn't been in service for 17 years. However, we know that NOTHING in Prison Break is fruitless, except Haywire's storyline, so this will prove to be very important shortly. My gut is it has something to do with Lincoln & Michael's dad.
In Vegas, there's a knock on the door and Sucre answers it to find his evil cousin Hector. Maricruz is "on her way down", but I sense that if Sucre really wants to see her he should probably check over on ABC where she is starring on The Nine. Sucre doesn't want Hector raising his child (Maricruz is preggers, remember?), but the cops are on their way, so no time for a reunion. Sucre gets a nice sucker punch in, and leaves on his bike, with the police not far behind him.
C-Note has survived his dive into the water, and has walked over to Utah (don't ask or consult a map, it's just easier that way). He stops by a house with a running hose to grab a drink, and notices an RV for sale. The owner comes out, all suspicious-like. She tells him the RV is being sold for $40,000. It's a little more than the piece of gum and lint that C-Note currently has in his pocket, but he'll be back for it in a couple of days.
Mahone has his pills now and is super focused on the case. He hears about Sucre in the Vegas area, and slowly puts the whole plan together. He recites the Westmoreland case (famous plan thief, unfound treasure, the whole nine) and starts tracing the steps of the convicts until they reach the same point - Utah! Good for you Mahone!
Governor Tancredi is being prepared to become VP Tancredi. However, he's suddenly started to take an interest in the Lincoln Burrows case, noting that everyone involved is either missing or dead. Is there something connecting that? He gets a very vague answer, suggesting that asking more questions could be detrimental to his political career. He quickly drops the file, but I can't help but think that maybe the once dickhead VP Tancredi, might become an ally of Lincoln and Michael.
As the guys are moving towards the Silo, Lincoln and Michael are discussing all the things they are going to do with their money. T-Bag steps into a puddle and we then see Mahone looking in that damned bird feeder again. What's up with that, you think?
Michael and Lincoln have reached the top 10 things they are going to do with their money, none of which include rescuing LJ from prison and anal rapings. As they get over the hill where the Silo is supposed to be they are totally stunned when instead of piece of land with a huge X marking the spot, they see a housing community. There is no way to the money!
What a fun episode! I really think the show is hitting its stride. Try the rubber band trick; honestly, if you don't think too much about all the lapses in logic and just enjoy the show as a piece of fluffy entertainment it is most enjoyable!
One word: JoelfreakinGrey!
That's right, this week's episode starts off with Mr. Cabaret Man himself in the lab, torturing some white rats. (Or are they mice? Eh, like it matters.) Joel picks up a rodent and says that while he admires his spirit, he just going to have to jab him with a big pointy needle anyway. Needless to say, the ratmouse dies. PETA is not going to be happy with this opening.
Speaking into his tape recorder, Dr. Joel relates his notes on the case. The rat's been injected with a bunch of human cancer, then injected with an experimental cancer drug, and now Joel is going to open him up and see what happened. Uhm, you think maybe he got cancer? Kind of hard to tell if the drug was working or not though, since you just killed him. Bonus points go to Mr. Grey for saying he's cutting the rat open through the "rectus sheath." While I'm not sure what a rectus sheath is, I bet EdHill could make a cooter joke about it.
None of the other docs want to talk about the case though; they just want to know why House has his cane back. He doesn't want to talk about his leg, though, because he can still breathe. Unlike Ezra Powell, who can't. The Housemates recognize Ezra's name. "The guy who wrote that textbook?" asks Chase. "Not that textbook, the textbook," House corrects him. Cameron is shocked that there's another doctor House admires. Obviously, she hasn't seen the way he stares at Caddy's butt-ocks when giving her the hormone injections.
While the Housemates are throwing ideas out, House is suffering a through a burst of pain. And he decides to take it out on poor Dr. Powell. He says that it's either his heart or his lungs. So, he wants to put some pressure on the patient and see which gives out first. Chase says the guy is 71, and if they get his heart or lungs to give out, they might not get them to start working again. "That's why we're going to do it in a hospital," says House, before telling them to put the old guy on an incline treadmill and do a stress EKG. So much for the admiration. Unless, of course, this is just payback for some pre-med hazing ritual.
During the test, the Outhouses are talking about House. Cameron says he's gone back to the cane, but isn't using the pills: "That means he's right back where he started, maybe even worse." Uhm, I know I'm new to the whole House mythology, but wasn't he using his cane and the pills before? In which case he's better than when he started, CAMERON. Ever the naïve optimist, Chase is sure that House will "handle it in a stoic, grown-up fashion; he'd never take it out on us." What do you bet Chase thinks we actually landed on the moon too? Idiot. Actually, he was totally being sarcastic when he said it, but I just learned a certain un-blood relative of mine doesn't believe we actually landed on the moon, and I've been looking for a chance to laugh at her on Senator Stevens' big series of pipes internets. HAHAHA!!
Foreman says his heart rate only reached 90, and they need it to be 130, so he's going to increase the incline. Cameron goes out to encourage Dr. Powell, but he tells her he doesn't need a cheerleader; he needs oxygen. But once he gets the oxygen, maybe she could dress up and do a few splits for him?
Of course, Cameron stops the test. And of course, House later berates her for her decision. He says the patient isn't trying hard enough. "Exercising with a lungful of your own bodily fluids tends to hurt," Cameron says. And she knows this how...? Eh, on second thought, I don't want to know. Neither does House, who simply tells her to do the test again.
In order to do that, Cameron and Chase have to drain the fluid from the patient's chest. "To see if it's my heart of my lungs?" Dr. Powell asks Cameron. "Exactly," she says, in the non-committal Cameron manner we've come to know and despise. The doctor's money is on both. He tells her he's been in and out of the hospital for the past year. He's old. He's sick. And he's getting older and sicker. And, evidently, a lot emptier, as Chase manages to pull out a giant syringe worth of fluid.
Meanwhile, House is doing his appointed rounds in the clinic. Which means we need to pay extra close attention to what happens here, because chances are it'll spur something later to help House solve the important case. In that sense, procedural storylines are like the comfort food of network television. I like macaroni and cheese.
This week, House is treating a guy with hot daughter syndrome. While House is checking the guy's tonsils, the girl is trying to argue with him about why she needs a $400 handbag. House answers for the guy in his best grumpy dad voice, but instead of winning points for the dad, all it does is win points for House.
House concludes it's a rhinovirus. In other words, a cold. I didn't know you get colds from unprotected anal sex. Then again, I never knew you could get gonorrhea from riding a tractor in your bathing suit either. As he's leaving the office, House drops some papers, which Lolita is way too eager to pick up for him. She tells House if there's anything else he can think of, to please call. And of course Cameron Interruptus shows up to tell them he's too old and weak. She's talking about Dr. Grey, though, not House. I think.
Since this test isn't working either, House comes in and shoots something in the doc's IV. Cameron's upset, because that's not protocol. "No," House tells her, "protocol is what you tried to do twice now and failed. Plus, I hate your bangs." Actually, he didn't say anything about Cameron's new bangs, but I wish he would. They've been driving me crazy all season now. Someone get her some Ted Stroehmann hair gel, stat!
The injection speeds up Dr. Powell's heart rate some, but not enough. So House gives him another injection, again over Cameron's objections. Doc Grey defends House, though, telling Cameron it's the right thing to do. And the tasty way to do it. Hey, when did House become a Quaker Oats commercial? Man, I wish Wilford Brimley would guest star sometime. That's got EMMY written all over it! Anyway, the second injection pushes Joel's heart rate up over 130, and since he doesn't die, they know it's not his heart that's causing the problems.
"But you just said we should respect his decision," Chase tells Cameron. "Respect it doesn't necessarily mean we should honor it," she answers. Wow, someone's got a career in politics ahead of them. Especially since her medical career seems to be heading down the shitter. Foreman agrees, even going so far as to call her Senator and ask whose side she's on. "First respect his wishes, then invade Iraq, then get the troops home. Make up your mind." I didn't expect such a cheap political pop from the writers. Especially on a FOX show. Evs.
House doesn't give a crap about their moralizing, though, and just wants to talk about the test results. Cameron says that coming up with a new treatment isn't going to do any good unless they can talk Dr. Powell into trying it. House says he's "old, sick, and tiny." They can do whatever they want to him. I hope they put his hand in a bowl of warm water once he goes to sleep. That one never gets old. Before they can fill up the bowl, though, everyone's beeper goes off. Something's wrong with Dr. Powell!
When they get to Dr. Powell's room, the nurse tells them that he somehow fell out of bed and got his tubes all wrapped around his neck. Somehow. Yeah, just like those poor unfortunate souls you hear about at the emergency room who just happened to fall on a light bulb, which just now happens to be located in their ass. JoelG tells them he doesn't want to live hooked to machines, to be too weak to wipe his own ass. "Why would you want to wipe your own ass when you can have someone do it for you?" asks House. Well, when you put it that way...
Doc says he just wants to be left alone, and he'll press assault charges against the first one who touches him. House sends the nurse out of the room, before sitting down for a nice bedside chat with Doc. "You came to me, I didn't come to you," he reminds Dr. Powell. That's because he figured House would have the guts to do what needed to be done, if it came to that. House tells him they're nowhere near that time. They are at lung-testing time, though, and so he shoves a tube down Doc's throat. Of course, Cameron is all worried, but only because it triggers a nasty prom flashback. Ironically, Foreman gets upset for the same reason. Both of them pull House off before he can get a decent sample.
mrs. copygodd tells me that House ended up making a deal with Dr. Powell. He wants one more day; if he doesn't find out what's wrong, he'll help Doc die. Sounds fair.
And I'm back... House and the Outhouses are walking down the hall, running through a litany of diagnosis and tests. And discussing whether or not House is actually going to help his patient kill himself. "Cuddy's not going to let you," says Cameron. And just in case that doesn't work, she sticks her fingers in her ears and starts holding her breath. Okay, she doesn't do that. But you know it's only a matter of time until she does.
House knows they don't want him to kill Doc; he doesn't want to kill Doc either. So how does he not kill him? By them doing their job. They have 24 hours to figure out what's wrong with him. Then there's lots of medical talk, too fast to follow. "All that in 24 hours?" asks Foreman. "Nah," House tells him. "Whatever you don't get done, you can finish at the autopsy."
The next morning, House shows up and tells everyone they look like crap. They don't have the results yet. "What have you been doing all night," he asks. "Jell-O shots and wild sex, what else," is Cameron's snaptastic reply. Although in all honesty, I doubt her character's ever done either. And certainly not at the same time. In the middle of this, House gets a call from the front desk. Evidently, a woman wants to talk to him and won't leave a message. He won't take the call, though. Women. Can't live with 'em. Pass the beer nuts.
House picks up a tape recorder from Doc's belongings. Cameron says he takes notes because he's a diligent researcher. House thinks it's because he's losing his memory. Which could be a sign that whatever's in his lungs is also in his brain. I hope we get to see them drain some brain fluid. Tonight's episode just hasn't been that graphic yet.
While he's being put in the MRI tube, Doc reminds Cameron they only have six hours left. It's not that he wants them to fail, he just knows they will. Meanwhile, House is asking Wilson for some help. So you know he's stumped. Cameron comes in and tells them that Doc's brain is fine. "Too bad," says House. "If his brain were addled, we wouldn't have to listen to anything he said."
Later, House tries to give Doc the runaround about his symptoms, but Ezra isn't buying it, and says House's time is up. He wants to die. And he wants to die NOW!!! House asks for 12 more hours. Nope. How about six more hours? "Are you a man of your word or not?" asks Doc. House says he's not. "Fine, discharge me," Doc tells him. Then he recites the same icky symptoms back to House that he's going to go through, in an attempt to guilt House into helping him die.
It must work, because later that night, House goes to Doc's room, warning everyone else to leave, before pulling out his special kill pouch. Yes! He says he's just going to administer a prescription painkiller to a patient that's in pain. But just in case someone's secretly replaced the fine morphine he usually uses with Folgers crystals, they should go and make sure they're seen in the cafeteria. Foreman says he can't let House do it, House, however tells Foreman that someone's about to get a butt full of morphine (that would make a great band name), he's just not sure who at this point. Of course, as fond of he is of his ass, Foreman backs down and leaves. So does Cameron. Chase stays, though, because killing old people is just how he rolls.
Doc thanks House. "I always wondered what was on the other side," he says. "Nothing," is House's response, as Doc flat lines. But wait, House is trying to bring him back to life. Chase doesn't understand what's going on. Evidently, House never planned on killing Doc; he just wanted him unconscious so he could keep testing him. "That way", House says, "there's no more whining." Man, if that doesn't sound just like my honeymoon...
The next day, House tells the Housemates they can legally assume Doc would consent to whatever tests a reasonable person would consent to. "And a reasonable person would obviously consent to being put in a coma against their will just to satisfy your curiosity?" asks Cameron. House can't understand why she's so upset. "I try to kill him, you're mad. I don't kill him, you're mad." Cameron's just mad about killing!
Before the Housemates leave, though, he asks Cameron about the MRI she took. She caught the top of his lungs, and it shows scarring. Cameron tries to give him the evil eye, but it's not working. "You do know that you can't really pierce me with your stares," House taunts her. Then he orders them to do a bunch more tests. Cameron refuses, though, and walks out, taking her stares, and her bangs, with her.
But instead of watching the Outhouses pull the camera from Doc's ass, we get to see Cuddy harassing House. She's heard about his little stunt with Dr. Powell. "Not really a stunt," he tells her. "More of a ruse, a trick, a hoodwink." She calls it a lie. "But lying is sometimes good, right?" House asks her. "Like when you're trying to teach someone a lesson about humility or something." Or when you say you'll only put it in an inch.
Foreman and Chase pull House away to tell him their latest tests also came back negative. Looks like it's time for an open-lung biopsy. But before he can get to cutting, he spies Cameron sitting forlorn in the locker room. Seems the other girls were throwing tampons at her again, chanting "Plug it up! Plug it up!" Poor Cameron...
He asks if she found a copy of the January 1967 Mass Medical Journal at the doc's lab when she searched it. He figures if she's not doing any work, she might as well read something to pass the time. Hmm, think House is about to school Cameron...?
Upstairs, House is bouncing a ball against the wall. How come when he does it, it's cute, but when I do it, the dude in the next cubicle throws a hissy fit? Oh yeah, because we don't have a real wall between us. Wilson interrupts to check on House's leg. And on Ezra Powell. Seems Cameron told him what's going on. "I hate practicing medicine in high school," House says. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go ask Cuddy for the bathroom pass."
Wilson can't believe House wouldn't kill Doc; he's done it plenty of times in the past. "Only to patients I knew were terminal," House corrects him. Wilson says it has nothing to do with saving Doc's life; House just can't bear to have a patient die without him knowing why. When did Wilson become such a dick? Oh yeah, the minute his mother's ob/gyn smacked him on the ass.
The Housemates (sans Cameron) are doing the biopsy on Doc. House is upstairs watching, when Cameron comes in and asks why House made her look up that article. Turns out Doc isn't as nice as Cameron thought he was. He injected newborn babies with radioactive agents without their parents' consent. House says he was just ignoring the rights of a few to save many. Just like Spock did in The Wrath of Khan!
Cameron isn't buying it, though, and totally disapproves of what Doc did. But that doesn't mean she'll help House. "The fact that a patient did bad things doesn't change anything; he still deserves to have control over his own body." House points out, rightfully, that if he had control over his own body, he'd be dead. Cameron says they can withhold treatment. "No you can't," House yells at her. "You can help him live or you can help him die. You can't have it both ways." And thus endeth the lesson.
Whatever they're checking for in surgery is negative, but just then the patient crashes. House rushes down and saves Doc from a collapsed lung. As he's stitching Doc back up, however, he notices that Doc doesn't have any feeling in his right side. All the tests House wants to do to check him, though, can only be done if Doc is awake. That means they have to wake Doc back up. Housie, you got some 'splaining to do!
When Doc wakes up, it's to House telling him not to go toward the light: You'll fall and break your hip. Doc is a little discombobulated at first, but recovers his senses enough to get pissed off at House, telling him it was all a waste and a huge failure. But enough about David Blaine's last stunt.
Doc refuses to go along with any more tests, so House says he wants to clean him up so he can go home. Of course to House, "cleaning up" entails throwing ice water on Doc's chest and tickling his feet. No wonder he wants someone to wipe his ass for him.
So, House finds Cameron and tells her he wants a skin sample from Doc. And she wants a foot massage from Johnny Damon. I hope this doesn't turn into a parody of O. Henry's "Gift of the Magi." Who knows what House will ask for next. Cameron is still fighting with House, though, until he yells at her about her inability to make a decision. "You can't decide if we're helping him or hurting him. If we're good or bad. Or if you want paper, plastic or a burlap sack. Reservoir tip, or ribbed, for your pleasure? Just make up your mind, woman!" Cameron says she'll do it, but she won't lie to Doc. "Fine, tell the truth," House says. "Just get me a pound of flesh." A pound? Geez, what kind of test is this?
She tells Doc that House wants a skin biopsy, and she's supposed to get it. Doc can't believe that Cameron, of all people, agreed to do it. She tells him she had nothing to do with putting him in a coma or running all the other tests, So why is she helping House now? Seems she's read some of Doc's articles. And she's none too happy to find out what kind of man Doc really is. The kind who would radiate babies with no forms, no consent, no nothing. Who knows how many cancers he caused. Doc says he doesn't know that, but he does know he discovered techniques that prevented fatal kidney problems in hundreds of thousands of other kids. And he doesn't regret what he did. "Informed consent, patient's rights, they hold back research," he tells her. Wow, who knew Joel Grey was such a little monster? (Besides those of us who remember his turn as Doc in Season Five of Buffy.) At that, Cameron reaches down and slices off a piece of Doc's arm. Lesson? Don't piss off Cameron when she's holding a scalpel. "What the hell are you doing?!" Doc screams at her. "Informed consent is holding back our diagnosis," she tells him, as she throws him a towel and walks off. "Good for you," Doc tells her. "You're finally standing up for something, acting on what you believe." It's a good thing Cameron doesn't believe in St. Elsewherism.
Down in the clinic, Lolita shows up looking for House. She's not stalking him, though. Her dad just needs some more meds. She wants to know he won't return any of her calls. He says he plans to, in a couple of years. She was just calling to thank him, House, get over yourself. She was also impressed that he diagnosed her dad by just looking at him. House admits he felt his glands too. As she's walking off, she says he doesn't have to wait a couple years to return her calls; just six months, till she turns 18. Then she turns around and gives House a nice shot of her red thong. Isn't that how Clinton and Lewinsky got started?
Don't pop the champagne yet, boys and girls. Turns out Doc has protein type AA. Or, as it sounds in Chase's accent, protein type Aye Aye. Fitting, on National "Talk Like A Pirate" Day.
House gives Doc the bad news. He has amyloidosis. I guess that's bad. It's in his lungs, kidneys, bone marrow and brain. Doc wants to know why he should believe House this time. Because if House were lying, silly, he wouldn't tell you the subtype is AA. That means it's terminal. "Congratulations," he tells House. "You got your answer." And that answer, of course, is 42.
You know, I never thought I'd miss seeing a guy's testicle explode, but after tonight's downer of an episode, I do. Your thoughts?
Now on the train down to New York I was reading the New York Times Fashion section, as I am wont to do, and read an article about how tickets are so scarce that fashion editors from Asian magazines are relegated to 8th row and how some Project Runway tickets are going on eBay for thousands of dollars. So I figured me and OD-TV would get to stand in the back, watch the show and maybe catch a few glimpses of the designers here and there (Which was fine with me). Boy was I wrong. The People at BAWLS were huge fans of TVgasm and they hooked us up. We skipped all lines, got ushered to our VIP seats yards away from the judges, backstage passes, the whole nine yards. It was an amazing experience. I met a bunch of the designers from all the seasons, even talked to Tim Gunn and got friendly with Malan. And I took pictures. Read about it all after the jump.
The day started bright and early at 8 AM. I met OD-TV at the main entrance to Bryant Park in the muggy rain. The line was huge but after I called Sabrina, our contact at BAWLS she told us to meet her at the gate and she would usher us right in. In fact this whole "line skipping" VIP thing would go on all day, and I have to admit, it was a really good feeling. Being ushered past the poor simple folk and being treated like the celebrity blogger I am. Finally some respect. You hear that mom? It's not just a goofy website dammit! NO I WON'T TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE! I AM A BIG DEAL! I HANG OUT WITH SUPERMODELS!
Phew. I'm sorry, I'm still very emotional from the whole experience...
I know this will come across like I'm shilling after the way they treated us, but the stuff is actually pretty good. It's like a Red Bull but without that disgusting sugary sweet tart flavor that makes you want to vomit. It was like a diet Fresca. A diet Fresca that made you feel like you just did a line of coke of Heidi Klums areolas. Believe me, that's a good feeling. But I'm getting ahead of myself...
Well no sooner did we start talking to the BAWLS people when I looked over my shoulder and saw Michael, Laura and Uli's mom all meeting each other before the show looking proud as can be. I whipped out my trusty digital camera and took a brief video.
After that we started to make our first PR sightings. There was Wendy Pepper over in the corner lounge looking vaguely bitchy, but much better without her skunk hair. And over there was the hot host of Top Chef.
Then it was time for the Runway show. Since we were guests of BAWLS we got the corporate sponsor treatment and were brought to the "holding tank" area of the lobby where we were then ushered past the long line of people who just had "regular" tickets. The power of being ushered past the common trash was so wonderful I decided to take a picture.
/>When we got into the Promenade tent everything was abuzz. We were escorted to our seats and they were amazing. Little did we know it was only 5 rows directly behind Kors, Heidi and Nina, and most importantly, facing all the Bravo cameras. Not since my 1 second appearance on the Food Network have I been so excited at my impending Project Runway TV moment. To get an idea of the hubbub, I took yet another brief video:
Soon everyone got to their seats and Kors, Nina and Heidi appeared backstage and got to their seats. But not before the requisite double kiss hello's from fellow friends, designers and hangers on. Seriously, I've never seen so many double cheeked kisses in my life.
With that Heidi got up and started the show. She was looking mighty pregnant and of course, mighty hot. I won't bother showing the pictures of the runway show itself as my camera got just a bunch of blurry shots, and I figured the pictures are online all over the place. To see them all go here (link thanks to Blogging Project Runway)
Michael, the man I picked from the start, was a disappointment. Very over the top kitschy Pam Grier type stuff. Jeffrey's was better than I expected but the whole sideways zipper thing made it look kind of messy. Laura's was another somewhat boring look with the whole thing a 20's flapper style with the requisite Laura tassels everywhere. Uli however was great. Not the usual stuff you expect from her and her bathing suit reveal actually brought cheers.
The real conversation we all had was trying to figure out who the decoy was. At first I thought it was Uli since her introduction speech was along the lines of a "I'm just happy to be here" type thing, and after the show where Jeff, Michael and Laura were whisked backstage for interviews, Uli came out and talked with her family. But then again Laura didnt have a bathing suit while everyone else did, and Michael. Well, his was so lame maybe he was the decoy.
After the show was over it was time for us to move in. We walked down to the actual runway and started getting pictures with all the celebrities.
Oh look, there's Carson Cressley squeezing out the last 10 seconds of his fifteen minutes!
Then I talked briefly with Harvey Weinstein, head of Miramax pictures. I started pitching him the idea for "TVgasm: The Movie". He liked what he heard and we have a date for lunch next week in L.A. My people are gonna call his people.
While I was busy making bigtime Hollywood deals OD-TV was getting acquainted with the one and only Uli. Perhaps he invited her to party to get vasted.
Next I spotted Daniel Franco and I swear to god I caught him ogling Heidi. At first I laughed but then when I turned around and realized she was standing right next to me, I finally saw things from his perspective. The woman is insanely beautiful in person. I then started a small experiment. Take a series of pictures of her in hopes that I can get one picture of her looking bad. It was impossible. She cannot take a bad picture.
Soon after that we all got kicked out so they could get ready for the next show. As I was walking out I almost bumped into Heidi. A surreal experience. When we got back to the lobby the BAWLS people then took us with them on their corporate sponsor backstage tour.
Then it was over. it was lunchtime so OD-TV and myself took a little stroll to Macy's to see the winning dresses in the window. Here I am giving my best Angela face as I looked at all the insane crotches.
When we got back to the Bryant Park tents later that day (Jay McCaroll was showing at 5) OD-TV and i were joined by my friend Rob and TVgasm fan Jenny10girl. She came at the perfect time to as Jay's show was just ending. It was a cornucopia of past Project Runway designers.
Kayne was basking in his celebrity at this event, taking pictures with everyone who asked. He was also very nice. As I was taking this picture of Jenny10girl with him, Katherine Gerdis, who was eliminated third, moved out of the way as if we didn't want her in the picture. I had to tell her to get back in it. She was just as good if not better a designer as Kayne in my opinion.
/>Chloe Dao was also another picture moment. Alas her model Grace Kelso was nowhere to be found.
Then we saw the man himself. Malan.
After we got finished taking pictures with Malan we ended up talking with him for a good ten minutes. We talked about the show, how that just getting on it is enough to make your career (Malan was in the NYT style section the night before), etc. At one point he asked why we are here and I hesitated in mentioning TVgasm since, well, you know, the whole "Malan shit dress" thing and all. And he was a genuinely nice guy, if a little soft spoken. So the small human part of me started feeling bad. But still, the shit dress joke was funny so I told him we were TVgasm and warned him that we pretty much make fun of everybody. He was aware of us and didn't say much else. Jenny10Girl wanted to know if Vincent was as creepy as he seems. At first Malan demurred saying he didn't want to talk bad about a anyone, but when Jenny persisted (along the lines of repeatedly yelling out "He's creepy! He's creepy!") he finally quietly agreed saying of all the people there he was the most, umm, disagreeable.
Alison, Vincent, Robert, Nick Verios and a bunch of others were also there but we didn't get a chance to get pictures with them. Too bad since Alison was just as cute in person, if a little shorter than I imagined. As things were getting late we all left the fashion tents and went out for a few drinks. But my Project Runway weekend was not over yet.
The next morning at Emmett McCarthys shop in Nolita, he was hosting a Project Runway sales event with appearances by a bunch of the shows designers and the man himself Tim Gunn.
As my friend Rob and I were waiting for Tim to arrive and avoid being knocked over by the horde of 18 year old girls trying on Emmett's 400 dollar dresses, I tried to talk to Emmett for a minute or two about the show. Since I was clearly not there to buy anything he could barely muster the effort to even make eye contact. I asked him who he thought was the decoy, to which he said he didn't think there was one (wrong). I had a few more quick questions for him and wanted to grab a picture but he was acting like such a duechebag I gave up.
Which worked out perfectly since soon after that the man himself arrived. Tim Gunn. Impeccably dressed, and a lot skinnier than I thought he'd be. We all got in line to talk with him and have him sign Emmett's 30 dollar t-shirts and 25 dollar bobble head dolls. The guy was as nice as could be to everyone he talked to. Approachable, chatty, funny. Just a real nice guy. As an example this little 5 year old girl came up to show him some drawings she made of dresses. Tim gushed at her telling her how great she was and made a point to look at and compliment each drawing. We all let out a collective "awwww" at the whole scene.
When it came my turn I said I was there with TVgasm, to which Laura from Blogging Project Runway, who was there helping with the event, mentioned that she links to us. Tim was happy to talk to me and said "We love TVgasms!". When he said that of course I just figured he was being nice what with the incorrect plural and all, but then he asked "Aren't you guys on the west coast?" so I guess Tim does read TVgasm, or at least has heard about it. Anyways, I told him we are all big fans of him over at the TVgasm offices. We then chatted about the runway show. "Oh you went? What did you think"?, he asked, to which I said Uli's was the best. He agreed saying Uli's was wonderful, but alas he gave no hint whether she was the decoy or not. Not wanting to take to much of his time I just had him sign my bobble head doll (It says "Ed, Carry on!, Tim") took a picture, shook his hand and was on my way. All of this was captured by the BRAVO cameras by the way, so you never know if I may make an appearance.
And just like that my Project Runway weekend was over. It's been 3 whole days and I haven't seen a celebrity yet. Sigh, and I was so getting used to it. Ah well, there's always the L.A. TVgasm Happy hour to look forward to. J-Unit counts as a celebrity right?
Inspired by the return of Deal or No Deal this week, I decided to play NBC's nifty flash version last night. It was a harrowing experience, but luckily, J-Unit was around to advise me on which arbitrary briefcases I should pick. And of course, we recorded the whole thing. Enjoy...
(This video is larger sized so that you can see all the numbers).
Because of unforeseen events (me playing with iDVD for two hours), I totally got off to a late start with Dancing with the Stars this week, which means I'm starting this recap now at the late hour of 10:15 AM. For shame! How could I dillydally when this second episode of ballroom pizzazz provided so much undeniable drama? A star was disgraced! A dancer was injured! And most important of all, two perfect tens were doled out! Who mamboed to the top? And who took a quickstep of shame? Answers after the jump!
As this week's show began, we knew we'd be in for some excitement when Samantha Harris could barely utter her opening lines. "After our biggest premiere ever, we're daa-- back with our faaa- favorite--- America's favorite dance show!" she stammered, happily stumbling out the gate. The Samantha Flub: such a joyous occasion.
A quick pan across the audience revealed one of comedy's greatest luminaries: George Lopez, who seems to be aging about ten years with each passing month. Then the horns blared (as they often do on this show), and our stars marched down the staircase of ballroom glory. As they do every week, everyone assembled in a long line of sequins and smiles, shaking their hips ever so slightly until the music faded out. Unfortunately, the music seemed interminable this week, and so we had to watch these people awkwardly stand there for about twenty seconds, waiting waiting waiting to get on with the show. For a moment, I thought last night's telecast might simply be a stationary camera watching the stars standing around, doing nothing.
Luckily, the band stopped, and Samantha "Marble Mouth" Harris informed us ever so awkwardly that on tonight's show, the women would be performing the mambo, but as for the guys, she noted, "The men will have to play it a little straighter." Not always a phrase you hear in the world of ballroom. No offense, Louis Van Amstel. Anyway, point was, the men would be doing the quickstep. We then were treated to a little debriefing where we learned about the important elements of each dance. I particularly liked the stern warning to look out for chassés during the quickstep. BEHOLD THE CHASSÉ! BOW DOWN TO ITS SPLENDOR!!
But enough chassé babbling. Let's get to the dancing!
Willa and Maksim
Kicking off the night were Willa and Maksim, who decided to improve their dance skills by... going to Ultimate Fighting? Apparently Willa is best buds with Chuck Liddell, and by simply watching him destroy someone in the ring, she came to realize, "I'm tough! I'm dirty! I'm raw!" Other things Willa happens to be: NOT A CELEBRITY. Go away!
Later, during rehearsals, Willa struggled under the intense pressure from Maksim, which meant we got to see a nifty montage of her storming out of the studio over and over again, occasionally ripping a plant to shreds in the process. NO HOUSEPLANT SHALL QUESTION HER DANCE SKILLS!
Finally, it was time for Willa's mambo. I honestly assumed the band would start strong with a little Lou Bega "Mambo No. 5," but I was wrong. Way wrong. Maybe in an effort to skew younger, the house band performed an insipid, awful, and decidedly un-reggae-ish version of Sean Paul's "Get Busy." I thought this was the worst the house band could ever sound, but little did I know what other treat ABC had in store for us later.
Anyway, Willa seemed a little stiff at first, but soon she let her inner Ultimate Fighter out and began shimmying and grinding all over the place. It was an impressive start, and the judges agreed. "You're almost too hot to handle, aren't you!" Bruno yelled in his typically ebullient way. Len agreed that it was fantastic, and Carrie Ann enjoyed it quite a bit too but felt that Willa's excitement caused her to get ahead of the music sometimes. Hey, if you were being called a celebrity for no reason, you'd be excited too!
Scores (from Carrie, Len, and Bruno respectively): 7, 8, 8. Total: 23.
Harry and Ashly
Last week, the judges called Harry Hamlin stiff. That might have been an understatement. He made the Tin Man look like a contortionist. Yes, Harry needed to loosen up this time around, and to help him with that, Ashly (read: the producers) wrangled in an expert in Laughter Yoga. Basically, it's yoga with a lot of laughter. This led to many scenes of Harry, Ashly, and the yogi laughing robotically, but soon, the comedy caught on! Harry was laughing for real! Or so he said.
The real question was whether or not he could bring that laughing looseness to the dance floor. At first impression, the answer was no. Harry appeared on stage standing tall and stiff like a mighty oak tree, but apparently that was part of the act, and soon he and Ashly were trotting all over the floor to the tune of "Lust For Life." And by the way, I'm sure Iggy Pop never felt prouder.
Well, I didn't find the performance to be particularly stirring, but the judges liked it. Then again, Lisa Rinna probably threatened to scream in their ears for three hours straight if they didn't give Harry high marks. Bruno told him that he was coming out of his shell; Len said that he kept the hold well; and Carrie Ann INABA praised him for maintaining proper posture. As you can imagine, these compliments caused Lisa to have what looked like a seizure in the audience. Somebody better bring her a valium next time. And while they're at it, bring a hand towel for Ashly. The poor girl was sweating bullets backstage.
Scores: 7, 7, 7. Total: 21.
Monique and Louis Van Amstel Lite
Len Goodman accused Monique and Louis of being as romantic as an autopsy, and for whatever reason, that was considered a bad thing (I always take my first dates to the coroner's office). Anyway, the two were determined to improve their chemistry, and what better way to stir up romance between a woman and a gay man (allegedly) than by taking a lovely gondola ride in the ocean? Well, that's exactly what these two did (following in the footsteps of Flavor Flav and Buckwild), and it seemed to work. The two pulled off a mambo caliente as Monique shook her booty like Beyoncé on speed. Oh, and to add a little excitement to the dance, Louis promised a special trick move at the end, which pretty much involved him swinging Monique around his hips like a rag doll. Just like last week, Monique ended the dance with her head upside-down, but unlike last week, the judges were ecstatic about her performance.
Carrie Ann praised them for having bundles of chemistry and charisma, Len loved it, and Bruno quoted a little JT by saying, "You're bringing sexy back BIG TIME!"
Scores: 9, 8, 9. Total: 26.
Mario and Karina (or "Kabrina," as Samantha Harris calls her)
After last week's show, Mario and Karina proved themselves to be the team to beat. He seemed to have better dancing chops than anyone else, but the question remained: could he be as adept at regular ballroom as he was with Latin? Furthermore, did I seriously just ask that question as if I cared? Man, what have you done to me, ABC?
Well, this time around, Mario and Karina warned that they might be doing something illegal on the dance floor. Yes, you heard it here first: they'd be snorting crack cocaine on primetime. And then taking hostages. Run, sweet George Lopez, run!
Then, for no real reason at all, Mario and Karina went to a boxing gym. It made no sense and only resulted in some hammy comedy featuring Karina "pummeling" Mario. Blech. Moving on...
The two started their quickstep, and just like last week, Mario was crazy. He was doing splits, jumping around, swiveling his hips left and right. He definitely had the crowd going. But when it came time for judging, the high marks we expected weren't there. "This was the quickstep gone berserk," Bruno said, adding, "It was like an impressionistic version of quickstep." And with that, everyone began booing. The audience HATES impressionism!
Alas, Bruno wasn't alone in his critique. Carrie Ann literally scolded Mario and Karina, saying, "YOu guys are fabulous. What are you doing? Do the quickstep! Why? Why why why why why???" And just in case there wasn't enough browbeating, Len angrily ordered, "DO PROPER DANCING!" Ouch! Looks like Mario flew too close to the sun and got burned!
By the way, during all this, the camera kept cutting back to George Lopez for reaction shots. You know, because he's Latino (I guarantee it wasn't to highlight the great working bond they shared in Outta Time). I can just imagine what the director was saying right then: "Quick! Get me a shot of a Latino! How about that guy? What? His last name's Lopez too? They're clearly related. EXCELLENT!"
Afterwards, Samantha Harris cornered Mario and playfully pieced together his childhood: "I bet you're one of those high school troublemakers!" Oh those rapscallions! Amazingly, Mario looked absolutely shocked by the accusation. It was as if Samantha had just accused him of killing Steve Irwin.
Later on, as Mario answered some banal question about the routine, he seemed to get humbler and humbler by the second, to the point where we could barely hear his voice. It's okay Mario. No one's gonna vote you out. Be strong.
And how did all that scolding affect the scores? Not much.
Scores: 7, 6, 8. Total: 21.
Shanna & Jesse
The big deal with Shanna this week was that she feared she couldn't keep up with Jesse, who just happens to be ranked second in the world for mambo. She was intimidated by her boy and didn't want to let him down, something she seemed destined to do considering her inability to swivel her hips faster than a lazy office chair. Luckily, Jesse was able to motivate Shanna with a pep talk, saying, "This is a locomotive, girl! You better not be on the tracks unless you're on the TRAIN!" Yeah!!!! Wait, what?
Well, as Shanna took to the dance floor, she looked incredibly nervous. I actually empathized with her. She was partnered with an official mambo king, she wasn't particularly limber, and oh yeah, she had to pull this all off while dancing to KRISS KROSS. I told you it got worse than that Sean Paul song. In a move that surely baffled all of America, the house band attempted their version of the early '90s novelty act, and needless to say, it was TERRIBLE. Maybe next week they'll Rhumba to "Aisha."
Anyway, compared to Monique and Willa, Shanna seemed slightly dull. She wasn't bad, but she wasn't amazing either. I kind of zoned out, which was good because I totally remembered something from my personal life that's totally relevant to this show. About two years ago, I went to lunch at a restaurant in Beverly Hills (my boss's treat), and guess who was sitting next to me? Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler. But wait, there's more! At the other end of the restaurant, guess who was having a birthday party? VIVICA A. FOX! I was living in Dancing with the Stars and I didn't even realize it!!!
Well, Len liked Shanna's mambo, and Bruno said, "The ice is starting to melt!" Of course, I was paying more attention to the girl with white hair sitting directly behind the judges, especially since she seemed to be rolling her eyes constantly (and/or looking at something high above the stage. The Phantom of the Ballroom!).
Scores: 8, 7, 7. Total: 22.
Jerry & Kym
Okay, this was pretty exciting -- or at least, as exciting as Dancing with the Stars can be. During a rehearsal for a group jive, Kym managed to hyper-extend her knee (gross!), which meant she could barely walk, let alone dance. Kind of a problem on a dancing show. The doctor told her that with some rest and anti-inflammatories, she should be fine, but of course, this meant less time to teach Jerry the quickstep. And as you can imagine, Jerry needed all the time he could get. He did attempt to learn solo, but basically, by the time they hit the dance floor, the two literally had no quickstep routine. That's what Kym claimed, at least.
Truth was that as soon as they hit the dance floor, they looked absolutely fine. Let me rephrase that: KYM looked absolutely fine. Jerry was still... well... Jerry. Still, they pulled off a decent showing. Bruno liked it, Carrie Ann was impressed with the teamwork, and Len said, "I've always looked up to you as a father figure." I don't even want to touch that one. Len ultimately told Jerry to work on his technique, and as the duo headed backstage, Tom Bergeron took the opportunity to make the always welcomed Methuselah joke. Impressive. Now, if he could only work in a Ruth reference...
Scores: 7, 6, 6. Total: 19
Vivica & Nick
In case you couldn't tell that Vivica A. Fox might be a handful, just listen to her talk. "Since Vivica was in Kill Bill, she thinks she's the mistress of kicks!" she said, annoyingly adopting the third person to describe herself. You see, apparently Nick was trying to teach her a kick move, but since Vivica was already well-schooled in martial arts (thanks Quentin), girlfriend didn't need to hear nothing from no cracker dance boy (even if he was the world ballroom champion). Luckily, Viv came around and realized that maybe she should listen to the ballroom expert.
As for the dance, Vivica was lucky to actually receive a real mambo song, not some reinterpretation of dance hall reggae or cheesy kiddy rap. She seemed to be pretty good, but her real coup de grace was executing a random cartwheel in the middle of the mambo. I half expected giant letters to appear on screen and say "VIVICA!" (Because honestly, that's what I did when I saw it).
By the way, in terms of celebrity cameos, we could finally add someone else to the list. It looked like Tisha Campbell was hanging out in the Vivica A. Fox fan section (I don't seem to remember her being at the birthday party, but I also had an obstructed view. The only one I could really see was Regina King. Props to 227!).
Well, Len wasn't a huge fan of Vivica's mambo. In one of the more forced analogies of the night, he said, "It was a bit like pizza... the top half was hot and spicy, but the leg action was a little bit doughy." Not sure how leg action can be doughy, but I'll go with it. WELL. You can't just go around making pizza analogies when Ms. Vivica A. Fox is in the room. Nick came to the defense of his partner by snipping back, "Some of us like the crust!" I feel like there's a Joan Rivers joke in here somewhere.
Anyway, Bruno sided with Nick on this one, saying, "The crust is TASTY!" Okay, this pizza thing has gone too far. Everyone be silent. Seriously. This is more painful than a third degree pizza burn (DAMMIT! I couldn't help it).
Scores: 8, 8, 8. Total: 24. (And yes, this did cause Vivica to go nuts. Then again, not much doesn't cause her to go nuts).
Joey & Edyta
As you may or may not know, we here at TVgasm have picked Joey to go all the way. Last week, he received only mediocre scores, thus putting our official endorsement at risk. This time around, Joey was out to prove everyone wrong and make us proud. During rehearsal, we saw him struggling with the quickstep (maybe it was all that gum he was chewing), but we knew this was misdirection, especially when we learned that he'd be incorporating the tap dance routine he still remembers from the Tonight Show. Honestly, how do you remember a tap dance routine for twenty-five years? Clearly he's been practicing it every single night before going to sleep.
Well, Joey, dressed like a leprechaun meets Billy Zane, showed up ready to dance. He and Edyta completely rocked the quickstep, thanks to great choreography and those tap dance flourishes. The entire audience was brought to its feet, and even though Joey nearly slid right into the camera man at the end, it seemed like a flawless performance. And to make matters better, in the audience I could have sworn that I saw Ted Danson! And Charlie Finn -- the stoner actor from Life on a Stick! What a grand time this was!
As you can imagine, this rousing ovation brought out Joey's most aggressive thank you's. He nodded politely (and enthusiastically) over and over again to the point where I thought his head might just come off its bearings and roll onto the floor. But how about the judges? Were they as enthused as the crowd? YES. Carrie Ann was so excited that she nearly caused an FCC violation. "Last week, you were boring. This week, you were FFF--" she started, before putting her hand over her mouth and saying, "Oops! I almost swore!" She then added, "I'm such a fucking idiot sometimes."
Len chimed in with a "The performance of the night!" And then Bruno capped off the lovefest with a "that was worthy of the golden age of Hollywood!" To which Carrie Ann cheered, "FUCK YEAH!"
Oh, and in case you were wondering, I was right. Ted Danson was in the crowd! Tom Bergeron happily pointed him out and mentioned that Ted would be starring in a new sitcom on ABC, premiering next week. I'll be sure to watch it! (And by "watch", I mean "ignore.")
The real question was this: would Joey be able to earn the first ten of season? YES. And twice over!
Scores: 10! 9! 10! Total: 29!
No one was more shocked at this than Joey, who let out more effusive thanks and gushed, "You guys are awesome! I love you guys! Love you guys!" Okay, man. Calm down. Seriously. You're only allowed to register excitement by uttering the word "Whoa!"
Sara and Tony
Poor Tony Dovolani. After spending last season in the exotic arms of Stacy Keibler, he now has to deal with blandness incarnate: Sara Evans. Granted, this country crooner seems like an extremely sweet and friendly woman, but would it kill her to show some personality? Well, after last week's thrashing, she decided to go back to Nashville with Tony and recharge. This meant we got to meet her female friends, all of whom thought Sara wuz robbed! They loved her, and in their eyes, she could do no wrong. In other news: these women were IDIOTS.
As for Sara's mambo, well, she was better than last week, but man, she still seemed pretty stiff. On the plus side, she looked like she was having a blast. Clearly she had stepped into the role of Goofy Smiler now that Tucker Carlson was gone. Afterwards, Len said had improved greatly, but she still needed to give it more "wellie," which was old British-speak for "BOOBIES AND SLUTTINESS!"
Carrie Ann, however, felt that the wellie was all there. She called her a "sexy little girl" (huh?), and Bruno, similarly also praised the performance. I don't get it.
Scores: 7, 7, 7. Total: 21.
Emmitt and Cheryl
Last but never least were Emmitt and Cheryl, the fan favorites from last week. After seeing the running back writhe around the dance floor with total ease, we wondered if he could wow us again with the quickstep. We watched some footage of him combatting the posture problem (running backs always move with their shoulders down), but it didn't seem like much of a setback as he took the stage. He and Cheryl knocked out a solid quickstep that earned positive, if not raving, reviews. Bruno told Emmitt to take ballet with Vivica to help the holds, and Carrie Ann asked, "Would you mind if I call you twinkle-toes?" She then added, "Because that would be FUCKIN' AWESOME!"
Scores: 8, 8, 8: 24
And just in case you didn't already love Emmitt, he managed to give a heartfelt shout-out to a charity fighting paralysis. Yup, see you in the finals, Emmit.
What did you think about week 2? And who do you think is going home tonight?
It's official. The ax has swung at Saturday Night Live, and three heads have been chopped: Chris Parnell, Finesse Mitchell, and thankfully, Horatio Sanz. Earlier reports set the number of SNL rejections at four, but with Rachel Dratch leaving for 30 Rock (from which she was subsequently and unwisely dropped), the Lorne Michaels firing squad only needed to release three birds into the wild. The identity of these (former) cast members isn't that much of a shock. Even though Chris Parnell had made a splash recently with Lazy Sunday, his shtick had for the most part run its course. Besides, he'd already been fired once before. Finesse Mitchell, while likable (and forever appreciated for introducing us to Starkeesha), pretty much did nothing this past season as Kenan Thompson took over the majority of black roles on the show.
As for Horatio Sanz, well, this had been in the making for quite some time. While at first his chuckling through skits was amusing, it soon became a lame crutch that only served to take actors out of character, ruin comic pacing, and sink probably many enjoyable skits. He also appeared to get lazy over the years as his performances seemed less and less rehearsed and more reliant on cue cards (and even those he couldn't read properly). I'm sure he'll be fine in the film world, and we're looking forward to seeing the pared down cast this Saturday for the season premiere (as long as it's funny). [E! Online]
