It has been far too long since I offered a give away, almost a week!? Well my dutiful readers. . . to help promote SPIKE TV's Game Head: Call of Duty 3: Challenge which airs Friday November 10th at 12:30ET/PT on SPIKE TV, we will give away three CALL OF DUTY 3 games for the Xbox 360. Is this just another shameless shilling of a show for the sake of getting free stuff? Ok, initially yes but then I heard what the show was going to be.

The press release describes it as being shot "at a secret military base this past September, when 16 unsuspecting average-Joe gamers arrived straight from their couches and game rooms to be confronted by real-life military drill sergeant.." I still watch any daytime show that throws kids in military camps, or fatty's in boot-camp, so this was right up my alley. Then the press release got boring, bla bla bla "mental challenges" bla bla bla "obstacle course" lame lame lame... until "Challenges culminate in a sudden-death paint-ball "Deathmatch" competition." JACKPOT! As long as any of this is stylistically shot in the same tone as the Call Of Duty games, I'm so there. If I watch it and the show blows, hey...at least I got a few of you a free copy of the XBOX 360 version of Call Of Duty 3, which is released on Nov 7th.

How to enter the contest after the jump...

To win a free copy of Call of Duty 3 for the Xbox 360, simple email madeyoulaugh@tvgasm.com your favorite video game on any console, past or present, and why you liked it so much. Three winners with the most passionate and excited response will receive the Call of Duty 3 for Xbox 360. The rest of you fully wasted your time since you lost. I'd probably delete the email from your sent items so no one ever knows your favorite game was Kid Nikki for NES.

Entries will be accepted until Game Head: Call of Duty 3: Challenge airs on Friday November 10th at 12:30ET/PT on SPIKE TV,

Don't forget, you still have a few more hours to enter the FAMILY GUY CONTEST and the TVGASM PHOTOSHOP CONTEST, both of which end tonight at midnight-ish PST.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 7:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

With only six teams left on The Amazing Race, tensions have reached an all time high as the Six Pack (formerly the fatalistically named "Back Pack") has managed to stay in the competition, despite all its cutthroat opponents. Yes, using the powers of friendship and sharing, this Nerd Herd has persevered through hardship, keeping an optimistic attitude (for the most part) all the way. Truthfully, if these people were on Big Brother, we'd probably hate them (memories of season six, anyone?). But their dorky alliance is perfect for The Amazing Race, especially with such bland-tastic dimwits as Kimberob and the junkie models puttering around.

However, the real question coming into this latest episode was not whether or not the Six Pack could stay intact. No, it was much larger: who would become the official villain now that Peter had made his exit? The answer was not as clear cut as you'd expect...

This week's episode began with Team Kentucky emerging from the Pit Stop first. They had to hop a plane to Mauritius, a tiny island nation in the Indian Ocean, just off the coast of Africa. I'll be the first to say it: I'd never heard of Mauritius. Maybe I need to brush up on my geography. I guess such oversights will happen when the only Carmen Sandiego game you've ever played religiously was based in Europe. I might not know where Mauritius is, but dammit if you can stump me on Andorran trivia!

Memo to self: remember to pick up a copy of Where In The Tiny Island Nations of the Indian Ocean Is Carmen Sandiego? (Don't think I won't look in the Kerguelen Islands, CARMEN!)

Anyway, as they headed off to the airport, Mary informed us that she would certainly sacrifice the race for friendship (don't worry, she didn't say "The Friendship"). She also informed us that the "Backpack" had renamed itself the "Six Pack" because honestly, "Backpack" was entirely too self-defeatist. "We're not losers. We're the six-pack!" Mary said enthusiastically. We'll see about that "loser" status later...

Next out of the gate were Dustin and Kandice, who were kind of the opposite of David and Mary. They were friendly and sweet and all, but they had no desire to strike up alliances or even forge friendships. They wanted the metaphorical tiara at the end of this race, and they would stop at nothing to get it. That's right: pageant queens who are also cutthroat. Who would have thunk it?

Leaving third were my favorite bickering team: Kimberly and Rob. Their quarrelsome, loathsome nature mixed with their bland personalities have made them the unintentional comic foils of the season. I can't quite label them as villains because the truth is that they're simply not menacing. They're just two crazy Angelenos that are unwittingly hilarious (and idiotic) more than anything else. Nevertheless, as they headed out, Kimberly informed us, "It's time for me to take control of the team." That would be like me hopping on the Titanic and saying, "I'm just gonna try to patch a hole or two."

As teams arrived at the airport, it became obvious that the only available flight to Mauritius departed at 8 AM, and even worse, it had a layover in London, England. I mention "England" because apparently not everyone knows where London is... like the Beauty Queens.

"Ask him what country that's in?" one of the girls asked when a ticketing agent mentioned the mildly famous city. Seriously, where is London? Oooh! I know! ANDORRA!

While the Beauty Queens tried to locate the obscure hamlet of London, Kimberob decided to stalk David and Mary to find out what flight they were on. I'm pretty sure this was the first time I'd ever seen Rob deign to speak to anyone who didn't seem "cool" and a wannabe actor. Of course, David wasn't about to warm up to the cityfolk. He denied him any sort of information, and afterwards, he even went so far as to mock him behind his back. Sadly, Rob didn't hear any of this taunting -- mostly because he was busy whining (again) about the six-pack. "I don't want to deal with Alabama, Kentucky. They segregate themselves." A) They don't segregate themselves. They just choose not to hang out with douchebags (like you). And B) you probably shouldn't talk about segregation and Alabama. Might be a sore subject.

A few minutes later, Kimberob learned that they'd have to fly through London to get to Mauritius, causing Rob to balk, "Kuwait to LONDON???" GOOD GOD, PEOPLE! HE'S JUST A HUMAN BEING!!! He can't be expected to travel that far! Show a little compassion!

Back at the Pit Stop, Lyn and Karlyn emerged, and right away, we could tell they were no longer the fun-lovin' ladies we had grown to know and love. Then again, they never really were very fun-lovin', but now they were most certainly the crabbiest third of the Six Pack alliance. "Don't put yourself out for me because I'm not going to do the same for you," Karlyn told us, explaining her outlook on any sort of alliance. Meanwhile, Godwin and Erwin emerged next, and they continued to be absolutely gung-ho on Six Pack pride. "The more we help Alabama and Kentucky move forward, the more we have help down the line," they said. Perhaps they haven't realized this, but they're kind of jacked -- maybe this whole Six Pack thing is kind of, I don't know, massively holding them back?

Last and sort of least were Tyler and James, who departed the Pit Stop at 4:55 AM. Like so many of their scenes on the show, there was nothing very noteworthy about this momentous occasion.

Over at the airport, we checked in with the Beauty Queens who were now exercising their rights to be condescending Americans. Regarding the ticketing agents, one of the girls said, "These guys are not the brightest bulbs." Keep in mind that she said this right in front of "these guys." And also keep in mind that up until two minutes prior, the Beauty Queens were questioning the location of London. (I guess they spent their youth playing Where In The World Except England Is Carmen Sandiego?)

Ultimately, Dustin and Kandice had to cope with the reality that they would have to fly through this mysterious London city in order to reach Mauritius. As they booked their flight, Lyn/Lyn hopped in line behind them, thinking that they would be next to snatch some tickets. Oh how they were mistaken. Tyler and James suddenly arrived on the scene, and since pretty people generally run rampant over those who are less pretty, the Beauty Queens decided to immediately help the guys, despite that the moms were next in line. WELL. No blondie can pull a fast one over a sassy black woman and not expect to get a mouthful of, well, sass. Karlyn immediately protested this shady yet legal move, and soon she and the Beauty Queens were bickering at full force. At one point, one of the blondes had the temerity to call Karlyn pushy, causing her to seethe back, "I'm being pushy? Y'all just pushed them in front of us. How am I being pushy?" We then cut to the Kuwaiti ticketing agent, whose stunned face seemed to say, "I have never before seen an angry black woman. It's just like on Being Bobby Brown."

"I am transfixed by sassy black woman."

Of course, we knew all the fighting didn't really matter since everyone would and did wind up on the same flight. Still, after the Beauty Queens had received their tickets and left the area, Karlyn continue to harp on the situation, telling the agent, "If you think it was right for them to push them in front of us, then you do what you need to do. If you can live with that on your conscious..." Yes, somehow I think he'll survive, even with such heavy guilt weighing on his soul.

Meanwhile, Tyler decided it wasn't acceptable to leave well enough alone. He began antagonizing Karlyn, mocking her gestures and attitude in the process. I'm sure he thought he was being hilarious, but it all seemed incredibly condescending and dickish. Ultimately, he told Karlyn that this was the most she had said the entire race, causing her to snap back, "Why you telling me I can't talk? I can say what the hell I want to say."

"Say something smart then," Tyler replied. SLAM! He may be officially a dick now, but man, Tyler certainly won that argument. If only Wilmer Valderrama had suddenly screeched up in a car and regulated.

After the commercial break, Tyler explained why the single moms were so heated at the ticket counter: "They're just jealous." He then added, "Not everyone can be as dreamy as we are." Of course, we all knew Lyn/Lyn were far from jealous -- they were merely pissed because the models seemed to be cutting them in line. However, it was comforting to know that these models weren't afraid to dip into their narcissistic impulses to rationalize their behavior. I just wonder if they write off all their detractors as merely the victims of jealousy too. That guy who they rear ended on the highway two years ago? Yeah, he was jealous. The repo man? Totally jealous. Phil Keoghan? Major jealousy.

Anyway, the teams all flew off to Mauritus, and upon arrival they had to drive a marked car to their next location. And would that be? Well, each car came with a model schooner with the clue "Swim to me" written on it. As you can imagine, teams then had to find the real version of the boat, which was located in a bay, and swim out to it.

Well, one of the first teams to reach their car were James and Tyler, who quickly discovered that in Mauritius, the steering wheel is on the right. This caused the guys to laugh like crazy, which seemed odd because it wasn't that funny. In fact, it wasn't very funny at all. Why were they so giggly? I'd hate to think they fell off the wagon with a spare whippet they found on the Mauritian black market. Nevertheless, the laughter was short-lived after the guys zoomed out of the parking lot without even thinking of asking a local for directions to the schooner. As a result, they were completely lost and confused -- almost as if they were in some sort of crazy world where everyone was pretty than they were!

As for the Six Pack, the Cho brothers decided to loyally wait around for David and Mary, but Lyn and Karlyn weren't feeling quite so charitable. They drove off without hesitation, thus leaving us to question the bonds behind the Six Pack alliance. Of course, we might have been suspicious, but David, Mary, Godwin and Erwin were still living in a utopian wonderland where friendship and daffodils ruled supreme. We'll see how long that lasts.

A few minutes later, Team Kentucky found the model schooner in their car, causing Mary to gush, "WOW!!!" I love you Mary, but it's not like that ship was crafted from gold and ivory. You might want to settle down just a bit. Nevertheless, Mary's high spirits soon did come crashing down as the reality of the next challenge dawned on her. "I'm kind of scared," she said, "because I'm afraid of fish." She then added, "I never done seen a fish before. That's why this is all so nervousing."

David, on the other hand, was fine with fish. It was the water that gave him the heebie-jeebies. Apparently when he was five, a cousin tossed him in a lake in an effort to give him a crash course on swimming. Well, it certainly was a crash-course... in developing a lifelong phobia. Nicely done, cuz!

Anyway, teams soon arrived at the bay in which the schooner was located, and since there was nowhere else to get changed, everyone donned their bathing suits right there in the open. Teams then all jumped into the water, with Mary exclaiming, "Lord have mercy! There's fish!" What a horrible coincidence! Of all the oceans in the world, this one just had to have fish. What are the chances?

We then cut to Tyler and James, who were not only lost but stuck in traffic. All those other motorists were just JEALOUS! Meanwhile, in the water, Rob appeared to be on the verge of drowning as he struggled to swim against the waves. I know what you're thinking -- Rob being a total pussy? TOTAL SHOCKER. Also swimming slowly were David and Mary, and I instantly feared that they'd be passed by Tyler and James (assuming they ever find the damn bay).

Soon, everyone had retrieved their next clue from the boat (except the models, who were still suck amidst all those jealous drivers on the road). Anyway, the next stop on the race was a post office located forty-nine miles away, and leading the teams were the Beauty Queens, who happily pondered to themselves, "Where's your Six Pack now?" You know, it's not like the Six Pack ever dissolved. It was still going strong, albeit, towards the back. And technically, the Six Pack was still better off than Tyler and James, who had finally just arrived at the bay. Ever the sterling detective, James quickly located the schooner, saying, "It's in the water!" Great observation. I never would have thought when the clue said "Swim to me," that the boat would actually be in water. I just assumed it was on a giant compost heap.

Anyway, the junkie model dove into the water and began swimming out to the vessel while Kentucky and Alabama struggled to paddle back to shore (where the Cho Brothers were kindly yet stupidly waiting for them). Meanwhile, out on the open road, Kimberob were spending the day trailing the Beauty Queens with each and every move. Unfortunately, Dustin and Kandice were not very pleased with this, and so they peeled off the main road, shaking the bickering couple in the process. "We're happy to be on our own!" the girls said afterwards. Might this be an ominous sign of what was to come?

Back at the bay, everyone in the Six Pack had reached dry land and were heading off to the post office. Not far behind were James and Tyler, who made short work of this swimming mission, but their fortunes once again turned un-Zoolanderish as they found themselves traveling down a dead end road. Idiots. As a result, Tyler honed his inner-diva, causing James to comment, "Sometimes, Tyler gets a little snickety." I'll assume that's just like being PERsnickety, yes?

Elsewhere on the island nation, Rob had found himself in quite the quandary: his car didn't seem to be working. "I wish this car would get in gear!" he whined (of course), growing more flustered by the second. Soon enough, every vehicle behind him began honking, and it wasn't long before Kimberly stuck her trident in Rob's ass and yelled, "JUST DO THIS!!!" Don't yell at him, Kimberly. HE'S JUST A HUMAN BEING! Ultimately, Rob was so frustrated that he simply stormed out of the car and ran away. Um... where exactly was he going? Maybe he wanted to drink his woes away in a local Mauritian tavern.

"Maybe if I throw this paper down really quickly, the car will get into gear..."

After the commercial break, Rob then returned to his Nissan of ill-repute where he told Kimberly, "You're revving me up! You don't calm me down. You rev me up!" On the one hand, you gotta wish somebody would just punch him in the face, but then again, it's probably more fun watching him agonize in the throes of complete and utter stress. Nevertheless, while Rob proved to us why his hair seemed to be prematurely graying, the Beauty Queen had their own problems to deal with: mainly, their questionable driving skills, which apparently were not much better than their geography skills. The girls failed to come to a complete stop on the road, causing them to rear-end a local bus. The other guy seemed fine, but the little Nissan had probably seen better days. Looks like Kandice and Dustin hadn't played much Where In The DMV Rule Book, Specifically the Chapter Regarding Use of the Brakes, Is Carmen Sandiego?

Luckily for the girls, their car was still operable (unlike Kimberob's), and despite this setback, they still managed to arrive at the post office first, battered car and all (Dustin swore that this was her first car accident ever, and by "ever," she meant "this month"). Anyway, at the post office, the girls received their next clue, which was the Detour: salt or sea. In "Salt," teams had to drive two miles to a salt pan and search among three enormous piles of salt for a salt shaker. Wow. That only sounded like THE WORST THING EVER.

No prob!

"Sea," on the other hand, required teams to go to a dock, take a boat to an island, use a treasure map and find a mast and sail. Unsurprisingly, the girls chose the latter option, and as they trekked out to their boat, we then headed back to the wonderful world of Kimberob where at long last they were receiving a brand new car. Way to go, Nissan! Gotta love the free press that comes with having your new car break down on national television!

Well, Kimberly and Rob may have had a new car, but their woes were far from over. They promptly got lost, causing Rob's blood to boil all over again. "It's hard to enjoy the scenery when you're, like, stressed out," he complained. Of course, it's hard to enjoy the scenery if you're a perennial whiner too. Luckily, Kimberly was able to soothe him with a dose of reality: "This isn't a vaca. This is a competition," she said. Btw, memo to the producers, I think the proper spelling of that abbrev is "vacay." And yes, Kimberly is so the sort of girl who talks about "vacays" with no sense of irony.

Arriving at the post office next were the Six Pack, and while they're all so affable and nice, I can't say much for their decision-making. For whatever reason, they all opted to do "Salt," despite the fact that such scouring missions have almost always resulted in someone getting stuck for hours and hours. Surprisingly, the junkie models also decided to try their hand at the "salt" mission, but almost immediately, they realized it might not have been a smart idea. "I wonder if this will make my fingers pickle?" Tyler asked. I would be more concerned about having my fingers prune. Nevertheless, maybe if Tyler had worn the GLOVES that everyone else had on, he wouldn't have had to worry about any of the various curing processes his precious fingers might go through.

Over at the post office, Kimberly and Rob were now bickering over where to park the car. "Kimberly, CHILL OUT!" Rob yelled, clearly forgetting that it was he who was going absolutely bonkers not long ago.

"I can be stressed! If you can be stressed out, I can be stressed out!" she snapped back, erroneously assuming that Rob might actually have the mental capabilities to understand he reasoning. Nevertheless, the two finally retrieved their clue, and as Kimberly tried to read it, Rob snarled, "You're missing words!!" DAMN YOU FOR OMITTING VITAL PREPOSITIONS AND GERUNDS!!!

Amusingly, the two then went off running towards the Detour, but ever the spaz, Rob managed to trip up, landing on the ground with a satisfying thud in the process. "BABE!" he yelled, instinctually ready to blame her somehow. "I just fell!" he added. Yes, idiot. I'm sure she could figure that out. It's not like you voluntarily decided to hurl yourself onto the ground. Of course, that's not out of the question either.

Checking in on the Beauty Queens, after a relaxing trip out to the island on their boat, the girls were now stressed again as they found themselves lost looking for their sails and masts. However, we knew they'd be fine. It was those numskulls at the salt piles that seemed the most in peril. Sure enough, morale quickly dropped at "Salt," especially when Kimberob showed up and a disgusted Kimberly balked, "Are we seriously doing this right now?" STOP REVVING ME UP WITH YOUR AVERSION TO SALT, KIMBERLY!!!

Of course, leave it to Kimberly and Rob to make the smartest decision of all: leaving the Detour. The two quickly scampered away to "Sea," causing the models to rethink their plans as well. Ultimately, almost everyone realized that searching through enormous mounds of salt might not be the path to success. Everyone but David and Mary, who stuck around against their better judgment. Oh, gentle Six Pack members. How misguided your strategies are...

After the commercial break, we caught up with the Beauty Queens, who had finally found their hidden treasure. The two bounded up to their mast and sail, but little did they know that those sneaky producers had booby trapped the environs. Dustin suddenly lurched downwards into a pit, causing laugher and good cheer all around. Oh, Bertram Van Munster! You beguiling prankster, you!

Anyway, with the task complete, the girls learned they'd have to drive over to the next Pit Stop, a chateau of some sort located on the island. Dustin and Kandice quickly departed, and not long after, the models and Kimberob arrived at the island, ready to begin their treasure hunt of discontent. Almost immediately, Rob began barking at Kimberly, saying, "Along the beach. Along the beach."

"Why do you think--" Kimberly replied back, but before she could finish, he yelled, "ALONG THE BEACH!" Good God, woman! It's an arbitrary declaration! Get with the program!

Finally, after realizing that salt wasn't necessarily a great choice, David and Mary decided to give up and head to the island. Of course, at this point, they should have just stuck with the salt because if they went to "Sea," last place was essentially guaranteed. However, I guess they treasured their sanity over the money, so they hopped in a boat and motored away. En route to the island, they passed the Beauty Queens, who officially declared Team Kentucky the most tolerable of the Six Pack alliance. Lyn and Karlyn, meanwhile, refused to even acknowledge Dustin and Kandice, instead opting to maintain an angry glare during their entire boat ride.

In a shocking turn of events, Kimberob actually found their mast and sail before the models, who unsurprisingly were totally lost. The quarrelsome couple headed back to their boat just as Lyn/Lyn and Win/Win came ashore, and not long after, Tyler and James finally took their heads out of their asses and found their mast and sail too. Yes, barring any major catastrophes (and one can never totally bar them on this show), it looked like someone from the Six Pack was going home. Most delighted about this were the junkie models, who later reveled in the others' downfall. "So it looks like our pack is going to finish in the top three," Tyler said.

"And their six pack is the backpack," James replied. WELL DEDUCED!

Soon everyone in the Six Pack had retrieved their items from the island, but we knew there was no way they could catch up, right? Not so fast. Suddenly, we saw several images of people in the "Front Pack" all confused and lost. Yeah, that was nice and all, but it was blatant misdirection. Sure enough, the beauty queens and models arrived at the chateau at seemingly the same time, although it was Dustin and Kandice who emerged on top. The girls claimed first place and a couple of scooters, which I'm sure they'll promptly crash as soon as the race ends. Oddly enough, Phil seemed to get a little randy as he said, "You can carry a passenger; so you guys can take a date out if you want." Was Phil dropping a hint? Or more importantly, were we witnessing a PhilBlush™?

"So... you ladies wanna go on a date?"

"Ummm...wow..."

"This is really awkward, but I have to wash my hair..."

"Blast!"

Anyway, Tyler and James showed up in second place, and Kimberly and Rob took third (how they fell behind was beyond me). Meanwhile, the Six Pack were all together on the road. Mary noted that when they parked, they were gonna wait on the 'Bama girls. Huh? Why? This wasn't just a Detour. This was the Pit Stop. Of course, Lyn/Lyn had no intention of waiting for anyone. They were going for broke. Well, at one point, the Chos and the single moms went one way, and Mary and David for whatever reason went another. It was the crucial move. And the crucial mistake for Kentucky. Win/Win wound up taking fourth, and snagging fifth were Lyn and Karlyn, who expressed sadness that they knew who was in last place.

Sure enough, Mary and David showed up at the back of the Backpack where they seemed doomed to go home once and for all. But lo! The non-elimination round saved them again! That's right! They were still in the race. Conspiracy theorists, start writing!

With a wave of relief overtaking him, David announced, "We know what we gotta do!" Yeah, how about don't pick dumb challenges. Anyway, the two were marked for elimination yet again, and just before they left the mat, Phil reminded them, "This is your second chance, guys." Well, more like their third, but that's neither here nor there.

Eventually, the show ended with the Six Pack reunited and Godwin, of all people, crying with joy that his buddies were still in it. Eh, one of them will probably be gone next week.

What did you think about this episode? Too convenient that David and Mary lucked out with the non-elimination round twice?

Posted by B-Side at 4:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (29)

I think it's safe. Wait, well, maybe. You just have to be careful about who you are talking to and where you are. But I'm pretty sure it's okay to say that you like Desperate Housewives again. Recently, enjoying an episode of Desperate Housewives, has kind of become like hooking up with the homeliest girl at the bar. You don't want anyone to know, but yet you privately relish the thrill of the conquest. So it is then my job, to tell you that if liking an episode of Desperate Housewives is wrong, this week, I'll bang all the Rachel Dratches in the world, cause this was a fine hour of television. But I said be careful, last week, we were delivered a real stinker of an ep, so who knows, but with this episode hitting season highs and next week involving a hostage crisis, I'm relatively confident that the upward incline this show is on will continue. Until sweeps, at least. Find out why, after the jump...

The opener this week is all about Edie. And in a newsflash: She's a whore! Okay, not a whore, just a woman who enjoys carnal pursuits... For money! No, seriously, I liked slutty Edie so much better than neutered Edie of the past two seasons. In what I assume is supposed to be funny, we see her head to her weekly confession, where she tells her priest all about her sexual exploits. "I had sex with a circus midget!", "I let a man shave my testicles!" etc. However, something funny happened on the way to Slutville, as Edie went to visit Mike Delfino, who finally asked her what the deal was between them pre-coma and she decided to come clean. Alright, maybe clean with a side of guilt trip, telling him that they were neighbors only and he never really paid attention to her. But in her defense, right here she has the opportunity to really play the manipulation card to the tilt, and yet she shockingly tells the truth. It's a tender moment, because upon closer examination the rivalry between Edie and Susan for Mike's affection was only ever really between Edie and Susan; Mike had picked SkeleHatcher from nearly the beginning. Edie then somewhat inexplicably tells Mike that from the first moment she saw him she "sorta fell in love with [him]". A little too much? I mean, honestly, she was engaged to Karl all last year, so now this "Mike's the one" nonsense is kind of hard to swallow. But it is nice to see Nicolette Sheridan shave her 5 o'clock shadow and play Edie a little more vulnerable for a change. Then something miraculously awful happens. Edie asks Mike if next time he sees her outside on the street, if he could just look at her, because he never did before. And Mike says... are you ready for this? "I'm looking at you now!" followed by some tongue kissing. I can't quite type it in the gravelly "serious" voice that Mike does, and I certainly can't sell it like his current Somalia orphan-chic look can, but let me tell you it's woefully, unintentionally HILARIOUS. Slightly more intentionally funny is when Edie next goes to confession: "Mike Delfino and I made out today... and it was great!" And she's giddy like a little school boy. I mean girl. School girl.

At the Hodgepodges, we are informed that Bree hates unexpected visitors, as we see various people dropping by, like some religions nuts or unexpected family members. Hmm, I wonder if when Andrew came back from shooting his scenes as an extra in The Basketball Diaries (if you've seen the movie, you know what scene I'm talking about...) she made him beg for change, head to a phone booth and call in advance. However, today's unexpected rat-tat on the door is from Crazy Aunt Jackie, cleverly disguised as Orson's former neighbor turned
conspiracy theorist nutcase, Carolyn Bigsby. Carolyn isn't looking particularly crazy, and while I, myself mistake her for Aunt Jackie from time to time, I think that actress Laurie Metcalf is more closely channeling her inner Debbie Salt. She's accompanied by her doting husband, Harvey, who we know is no good, because he's played by the same guy who made Matt cut off his tranny friend's penis on Nip/Tuck last year. You see, Harv brought his unstable wife (fresh off illegal Mexican anti-deps) to the Hodge house so she could apologize for being such a nut bar. Harv and Orson used to totally be BFFs, so Bree decides to accept Carolyn's forced apology. She even goes so far as to half-heartedly accept a tentative dinner invitation by the Bigsby's. However, once the Bigs' are out of sight, Bree, nay, KimberBree, informs Orson that she'll be glad to go out to dinner with Carolyn when, to paraphrase Wayne Campbell, monkey fly out of her butt.

I don't know how any of you are feeling, but I kind of like Ian as a new love interest for Susan, if only because I think that Mike is even more Snoretastic than ever. Let Edie have him. My feelings of sadness for actor Dougray Scott (I've mentioned it before, but here it is), I think he has tended to bring out the fun in Susan this season as opposed to the Dear-God-please-someone-gouge-out-my- eye-so-I-don't-have-to-look-at-it anymore in her. This theory is about to be tested as Ian pops by the Mayer household and Susan, not wanting Ian to see her, hides behind her car with all her gardening supplies. Naturally, I'm expecting our stick-like heroine to be, oh I don't know, covered in fertilizer by the end of the scene, but she remains mostly in tact. As Susan is hiding, my girlfriend Mrs. McClusky (ooh baby take out those dentures!) walks on by, spots Susan hiding and Ian idly knocking on her front door, and quite bitchily outs Susan from her hiding spot. What can I say? I like bad girls. Ian calls Susan out on hiding from him, but she
just says that she sneezed and one of her ribs cracked, so she was looking for it on the floor. Seriously, SkeleHatch, Nicole Richie made it okay to have an eating disorder WITHOUT having an eating disorder, you can too! Susan finally admits that she was hiding, but only because things with them ended so ugly last time they saw one another. Ian agrees, but he's not there to get under her off-the-shoulder Flashdance top, but rather to invite her to a party he's having so she can meet an editor friend of his. But he can't resist (oh you wily British!) asking about Mike and Edie. Susan says things with Mike are "moving along" and gets a good zinger in about Edie: "She's just a neighbor. She visits Mike after her Hepatitis C treatments."

Carlos and Gabby are in the throws of their divorce proceedings when ZZZZZZZZZZ... I'm sorry I fell asleep because I just don't care. The quick version is that Gabby wants everything and Carlos is fed up so he says yes. But Gabby knows Carlos too well to believe that he'd ever give in to her so easily. Something fowl is afoot. Oh and, Eva Longoria's new hair really washes her out.

Tom has finally brought Lynette to the site of his new pizzeria, but he makes her close her eyes when entering. She can't look with her eyes, but rather, only with her imagination. Sadly, for Lynette, she uses all her imagination up on wishing she wasn't married to a lame ass, like Tom.

When she gets a look at the dump Tom has just leased she only sees the mess that it
is. Lynette is angry that Tom leased the space without letting her, and has had it up to here with tomato sauce and pepperoni. Tom again starts whining like a little bitch (err, sorry, channeling Isaiah Washington for a sec) about how Lynette was supposed to be supporting his "dream." Oh yeah, that's right Tom! I put dream in quotes! Take that. Lynette says she was going to support his dream... if it were a dream worth supporting. Game. Set. Match. Dude, you are totally Rodick to her Federer, when it comes to these bouts of spousal tennis. Tom decides to sleep at "the restaurant" (gotcha again!) and Lynette ain't gonna argue with that!

Bree is now at the club with her doubles partner, whose name I didn't catch. This means that I can make up a name for her, like Emma Sue Deuchey McGlintock Snooty Pants. Of the Connecticut Snooty Pants'. As they are chatting over lemonades, Bree spots her old friend Tish, who deliberately snubs ol' Red. Maybe she found out about those Marcia Cross nudie pics (it's the article not the pics. Although, and I quote, "The carpet does match the curtains." Who says that? In a public statement. IN DEFENSE OF THE PERSON YOU REPRESENT WHO STOLE THE PICTURES IN THE FIRST PLACE!?!?!). Regardless, Emma Sue Deuchey McGlintock Snooty Pants informs Bree that Tish and Carolyn Bigsby are friends. What a small world! Apparently, Carolyn is friends with everyone! Huh? You tell me that some crazy piano teacher locks her retarded son in the basement, and I say fine. You show me a scene in which Teri Hatcher eats a hamburger, and I say fine. You even make me believe that Danielle is in the running for Homecoming Queen, and not say, Carnival Center Ring attraction and I, once again, say fine. But here we are and you are telling me that Bree, who has nothing else to do in life except bake, psychologically scar her kids, do needlepoint and play doubles tennis at the Country Club, had no idea who the wildly popular and influential Carolyn Bigsby was? And, now that we're talking about it, if these people all go to the same club, Bree had no idea who a) Orson was or b) about the mysterious, unsolved disappearance of a wealthy woman (Alma) just a few towns over? Lies! All lies! Okay, glad I got that off my chest, now where was I? Oh yes, Bree realizes that having Carolyn as an enemy is costing her major social points (not the dead husband and dead fiancée in only two years time? That has no effect on her plummeting street cred?), so she decides to make a reservation for four at the club, where the Hodges and the Bigsbies will dine in the center of the room for all to see!

Lynette is surrounded by her demon seed children, save for the little girl devil, who may have been sacrificed to appease the lords of darkness, when she is explaining to them that Daddy is on a time out. Because he sucks ass. Overhearing this is that bastard (it's not mean when it's true!) Kayla, who runs and calls her mom, The Babe, and let her know all about the marital strife the Scavos are going through. Looks like the Babe doesn't fall far from the tree.

Solis house. Carlos all sweaty from work out. Got a package in mail. Locks it in drawer. Gabby suspiscious. Makes him take shower. Steals key to drawer. Finds contract and faxes to lawyer. Finds out that Carlos is getting new job worth a few million. Gabby only gets money if she's still married to Carlos.

Susan is headed on over to the hospital to visit Mike, with Sunflowers in her hand and smiles in her heart. Unfortunately, Mike's hospital room doesn't come with a "do not disturb" sign, so Susan walks in on Edie giving Mike's meatstick a wild ride.

Now this next scene is an example of how wonderfully right this show can get some things. Last week, I urged the writers of this and any show that will ever be in existence in the future of television to stay away from clichésso obvious that they are displayed in the guise of Austin, the bad boy nephew who doesn't give a rat's ass about a rat's ass. So you can imagine my concern when I saw Lynette having some consolatory margaritas on her porch. Uh oh! Actresses getting drunk and bonding! 9 times out of 10 when someone on television plays drunk, it just falls flat. And yet here as Susan and Lynette are joined by Gabby on their tequila fueled feelings-fest, the show finally starts to pop again, ironically, just as it should hit its nadir. Scenes like this shouldn't work, and yet, when you let the ladies of Wisteria Lane bond, and, gasp, underplay, great things can happen. And this comes from someone who loathed the entire run of Sex in the City, with the exception of that post-post-it break up episode ("YOU'RE SO BUSY!"), so believe me when I tell you that this scene is proof that Desperate Housewives can still be great. When it keeps Teri Hatcher away from canes and ice cream and pratfalls, of course.

Over the course of their conversation the ladies each learn things about themselves. Oh Margarita, you, most magical of all the liquors. Lynette admits to being a shrewish, monster of a wife (alright, I'm paraphrasing), who doesn't want Tom to do what he wants. She only wants him to do what he wants IF it's what Lynette also wants. That statement of self-realization alone erases 3 seasons of moderate repulsion towards Lynette. Gabby, for her part, proclaims that she's still in love with Carlos, but since she's already paid the lawyer, she feels she should go through with the divorce. Sensible. I like it. Susan, meanwhile, decides that Ian's the one for
>her, not the Incredibly Shrinking Mike. Just then a cab comes by looking for neighbor Ida Greenberg (the second hottest lady on Wisteria Lane), and Susan snags it to go to IAn and tell him how she feels.

In Mike's hospital room, Ernie Shaft Hudson is showing Mike pictures of dead Monique (the chick that Orson knew, the chick who was the body in the dirt at the end of episode one, and the chick who had Mike's digits on her hand. Bitch really got around.). Mike, due to his short-term memory loss, has no idea who Monique is. Ernie Shaft Hudson finds this hard to believe, because Mike's a cop killer and all. Also, because he's got a problem with Whitey.

And now for The Babe. She's finally making her play for Tom, as she has been totally Babeified by all the insider information that little Kayla has sent her way. She comes plied with her massive jugs, cheap wine and her finest Christmas table cloth fashioned into a dress.

As the night roars on, Tom is starting to get drunk, and The Babe is not only liquoring him up, she's also building him up with compliments and the encouragement that Lynette just couldn't muster. Tom's buying it, until The Babe decides to take this to the next level by planting a wet one on him. Tom is outraged (bro, you didn't see that coming?), and The Babe, crazy as she is, warns him against leading her on. She makes her Babexit, and Tom decides that it's time to return home to his wife.

Susan arrives at Ian's house, but oh boy, it's the night of that party he had mentioned to her earlier. Whoops! So there Susan is drunk like Mel Gibson at a Bar Mitzvah, telling Ian that she has the big feelings for him. She then runs to the bathroom and vomits on the book editor she was supposed to meet.

The Hodges and the Bigsbies are having a positively ducky time out to dinner, where no one has once mentioned the words murder, kidnapping or harassment. How lovely. And it's nice for Dr. Giggles to finally be reconnecting with his old pal, Harv. Even Bree's buddy Tish seems to be defrosted at the sight of Carolyn and Bree breaking bread together. All seems right in the world of the Wasps. That is until Carolyn and Bree go to powder their noses (an expression that has completely taken different form in the past few years thanks to the likes of Kate Moss). Carolyn, so effortlessly cool and calculating (take notes Bree) shows her new buddy, Bree, Orson's "missing" wife Alma's police report which she filed against Orson, complete with photos of bruises that he caused her while continuiously making her rinse and spit. Damn, dentists!

Things are getting just as murky outside the powder room, as Harv admits to Orson that he had an affair with a mystery woman named... MONIQUE! Incidentally, she has disappeared and Harv just can't get her out of his mind. So much so that he keeps a picture of her in his wallet. That won't arouse suspicion in your crazy wife, Harv, don't worry. He shows the picture to Orson, and no doubt, it's the same missing woman who seems to be connected to every man on or near Wisteria Lane.

Tom makes it home, and suddenly Lynette is sober as a judge. It's funny when she says that she had a night in with the girls, the garbage bag clangs with the empty tequila bottles. Tom and Lynette admit equal fault in their squabble, and Lynette, once again, vows to be a better, more supportive wife. Immediately, after she heads over to The Babe's and kicks her trollop ass!

After Tom told Lynette about The Babe's tongue search of his mouth, Lynette comically (if not woefully over the top) kicks in her door. Let's just assume that it's some residual tequila strength, which has been known to help women pick up cars to save their babies and cause attractive people to power through sex with uggos in the storage closet of the local bar. The Babe is rightfully scared, because Lynette is a whirlwind of spousal fury. There is a quick second there where it becomes clear that Lynette is actually going to kill The Babe, until Kayla

wakes up and enters the living room, a la Kill Bill. Lynette tells the witness, I mean, child, to head back to sleep, but The Babe commands Kayla to stay put. Lynette decides to cut her losses and leave, but not before she gives The Babe the scariest hug in the history of man. Lynette promises The Babe, that if she ever comes near Tom again that she will do to her spine what she just did to her door. It wouldn't be nearly as scary if she didn't totally flip the switch and put on sweet Step Mommy voice to tell Kayla that she'll see her this weekend.

Susan and Ian have the inevitable and awkward hangover talk, where it is confirmed that Susan did in fact mean it when she said Ian was the swellest. And that he'd have made a kick-ass Wolverine. TOM CRUISE HOW MANY LIVES DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN!?!?!

Meanwhile, Ernie Shaft Hudson gets an anonymous tip from Orson that Harv Bigsby was having relations with Monique. Later, Ernie Shaft Hudson takes this tip to Harv who admits to the affair, as a spying Carolyn watches from the window.

Carlos on the couch. Gabby calls him for help. Gabby needs help with zipper. Zipper doesn't work. WHOA WHOA WHOA. Now you've got my interest.

Ok, I'm over it. Gabby seduces Carlos with a combination of garter belts and stockings. Post-coital, Gabby starts laying it on pretty thick about the two of them making it work. Carlos, however, can't help but laugh. He knows that she knows all about the job offer that would leave her with $2 million bucks if they don't divorce. The contracts were fake; he just wanted 1) sex and 2) to see Gabby's face when the $2 mill bucks disappeared right in front of her. This causes Gabby to get enraged, and somehow, push Carlos out the second floor window of the house. It seems that her residual tequila powers held over until the next day. As Gabby is calling the police Carlos pulls a full-on Michael Meyers and disappears from the bush he fell into, able to limp back into the house. Finally, this messy divorce actually gets messy.

Mary Alice says something about something, and the evening closes with Edie playing naughty nurse for Mike. But the vision of Edie in the get-up gives him a vision. No, not of a similar looking blow up doll he once was intimate with, but rather of mystery woman Monique, the only ghost more ubiquitous than Mary Alice.

There we have it, in my opinion a bounce back from last week, and possibly, a season high. Although, the high probably won't last for long, as next week is the much anticipated Grocery Store Hostage Episode.

Posted by Umnata at 2:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

Talk about a bizarre Halloween coincidence. Only hours ago, we posted our first story about dwarves. Now we realize that tonight, Halloween, the goblins behind network programming have wound up in a spooky standoff. The treat: two series are running romantic storylines built around little people. Dwarves. The trick: both are airing at 10 pm tonight.

Big business. Small world.

On Boston Legal, William Shatner's politically incorrect lawyer Denny Crane gets down with a 4-foot-3 attorney nicknamed "The Badger" (because of her habit of biting people who get on her bad side). There are many rude "midget jokes" as his affection for the smaller woman is played for laughs.

Simultaneously, over at Nip/Tuck, a more poignant scene plays out as Sean's wife Julia (Joely Richardson) falls for, and has sex with, her disabled baby's her "manny," played by the great Peter Dinklage, who made such a strong impression in Elf (and since this is FX sex, we wonder if he'll go up on her).

Two fine actors of small stature both featured in major prime time series, both treated as sexually attractive individuals, both showcased on Halloween night, both airing at the same time. One features a woman, one a man; one a comedy, the other a drama. Even weirder? Both series are produced by 20th Century Fox Television.

(LATE CORRECTION: Nip/Tuck, The "FX Original Drama Series," is produced by Warner Brothers. But the show appears on a Fox network, so we'll still get chills from the weird connection. And don't forget to set the video recorder for Conan's Skelevision episode tonight.)

--Tabloid Baby

Posted by Tabloid Baby at 1:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Sad news in the world of game shows. After a meager fifty years on the air, Bob Barker has decided to retire at the ripe old age of 83. I don't know what this means for the future of The Price Is Right. Losing Rod Roddy was a tough blow, but Bob too? Say it ain't so. Hopefully CBS will pass the baton to someone equally kitschy like Wink Martindale or Bob Eubanks. If Billy Bush or Danny Bonnaduce are tapped to be his replacement, I think we'll have no other option than to declare a nation-wide boycott. Unfortunately, trying to predict the behavior of network execs is like trying to crack the code to Plinko: it just won't happen. Either way, I think it's fairly apparent that whoever lands the gig will be earning exactly one dollar more than the runner-up.

For more information, check out the AP article here.

Posted by B-Side at 12:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Dwarves and catapults. Sounds like a reality TV concept from hell, perfect for this Halloween, but it almost knocked off the head of a family member featured on Little People, Big World.

Nine-year-old Jacob Roloff, a full-size boy whose parents and older brother are dwarves, underwent surgery for a dented skull after a 25-foot medieval trebuchet (or catapult) misfired on the family farm over the weekend. Viewers of the TLC series might remember back in April when the family built the 25-foot wooden war weapon for the cameras.

The catapult is used to hurl pumpkins, not dwarves (this is TLC, not Fox, after all).

Jacob was cocking the Pythonesque device when its 2000-pound counterweight slammed into his head and repeatedly smashed into Mike Detjen, a local engineer who was loading the contraption. Mike needed 200 stitches.

The incident was not a stunt for the TV series (though the catapult was), but it has sent neighbors in the pastoral farming area over the edge. They're already sick and tired of gridlocked traffic and all the attention that the little reality TV stars have been attracting. More than 30,000 people showed up this fall to buy pumpkins at the Roloff family farm. They also toured the family's western town, three-story treehouse and pirate ship.

The catapult accident occurred after the Roloffs had shut down the pumpkin patch for the season. They were just heaving pumpkins for the fun of it. The ancient siege weapons have become popular at farms like the Roloffs' that mix agriculture and entertainment. Jacob's dad Matt says the boy's loaded the catapult before, and he's not sure why it misfired.

--Tabloid Baby

Posted by Tabloid Baby at 10:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

VH-1 is launching a new batch of celebreality shows with enough of a tenuous musical connection that they're being wrapped into one primetime block early next year. They haven't decided on the night, but they've given it a name: Wild Life (we figure Washed Up Life didn't track as well in the focus groups, but we all know why we watch).

From a notorious rap producer to paunchy former boy band singers, from aspiring white rappers to an aging celebutard Malibu rich kid, four of the six new shows revolve around musicians and demi-musicians trying to make a comeback, or find a way into the music industry.

And in what could be called the evening's "Jerry Springer Moment," two shows feature real stars demonstrating how it's done.

All the new series have the familiar scent of VH1's compelling tabloid reality sleaze--or at least a whiff of what they're smoking in Ice-T's Rap School:

Irv Gotti Project is the flipside to MTV's Rev Run's House, following R&B and rap producer Irv Gotti as he attempts a comeback-- "while also juggling his responsibilities as a husband and father"--after beating the rap on federal charges of using his music label to launder money for a drug kingpin.

Man Band has former boy-band members moving into together while trying to whip up new dance routines and a new act. With Bryan Abrams of Color Me Badd, 'N Sync's Chris Kirkpatrick, Jeff Timmons of 98 Degrees and Rich Cronin of LFO (have you ever heard of LFO?), it promises to be a surreal life.

ego trip's White Rapper Show: Ten contestants compete to become the "next great white rapper." They call it a tribute to Eminem and the Beastie Boys, though some Vanilla Ice would make it more fun.

Here's a chance to get involved: How about helping find a name for the Untitled Whitestarr project? It's billed as a "comedic romp" following music heir (Lou Adler's kid) and Mischa Barton boyfriend Cisco Adler and his Seventies-inspired rich kid rock band on their long quest for success beyond the gossip pages. This one has the potential to be a reality Entourage, or, more likely, The Malibu Monkees.

Then there are a couple of more serious-minded music-based series-- Bridging the Gap gets two established artists to create a new track, and in Rags to Riches a musician or actor takes viewers on that very journey.

The Cisco Life?

--Tabloid Baby

Posted by Tabloid Baby at 6:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

For the past few weeks of Laguna Beach, we've noticed that the girl we once thought would be the star of the whole season has been all but non-existant on the show. That's right, I'm talking about Breanna Conrad, younger sister of Lauren Conrad, and latest member of the Family Conrad to have her life documented on MTV. As far as we can tell, the only time we saw Breanna recently was when she popped up to give Rocky's erstwhile boyfriend Alex a few eye-rolls on last week's episode.

Well, we've had enough of these shenanigans. We decided to drive down to Laguna Beach and find out where the hell Breanna has been hiding. The results may shock you.

Posted by B-Side at 8:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (38)

Last night was the much anticipated reunion for Flavor of Love 2, a season that brought us a wide variety of bitches, skanks, and incontinent ho's. Back to moderate this highbrow affair was none other than MTV's Lala, whose appropriately enough managed to make her breasts look like two giant water balloons on the verge of popping. We knew it would be hard to live up to last season's wild reunion -- nay, it would be darn near impossible -- but when it comes to a bunch of loud skanks jockeying for airtime on basic cable, anything can happen...

I didn't take notes on the reunion; so some of it might be a bit hazy. As usual, I'm sure you all can fill in the gaps in the comments section. Anyway, unlike last time, we didn't get to spend much time with each and every girl. Instead, we were subject to dumb filler pieces such as an unnecessary glimpse into the wonderful world of photo shoots (featuring many a thong) and a few recaps of the season. We also saw some sort of shabby montage of clips that I imagine were supposed to be the music video for Flav's dumb, new single. Needless to say, I could have gone with less montages and more catfights.

Speaking of catfights, two of the first people Lala interrogated were Saaphyri (I'm not even going to double-check the spelling on that one) and H-Town, the two girls who wound up punching each other on the very first episode. At first, it seemed like the fragile H-Town was on the road to mending when she apologized for her behavior, saying that she never, ever acts that way in real life. But then she had to go and add that Saaphyri probably conducts herself like a barbarian every day. Bitch, whatchu talkin' about? I thought we might be privy to the very first weave-pullin' extravaganza of the hour, but sadly, Saaphyri proclaimed that she had since taken anger management classes, and thanks to her nifty new certificate, she was going to stay calm and refrain from beating this bitch -- as she would have done the week prior. Now that's what I call inspiring!

Next out on Lala's couch was none other than... Goldie? Yes, Goldie from season one was back and rockin a dubious weave. I've always loved Goldie -- she is a fan favorite, after all -- but she had no business being back here. Every moment that she spoke was less time we had for fisticuffs, and that's all we really want to see, is it not? Anyway, Goldie chided Crazy for thinking that New York was her friend, and then later on, Goldie gave a little shout-out to Sumthin' for standing tall, even after she had managed to take a dump all over Flav's staircase. Word up to diarrhea, baby!

We then sat through a montage that was the very definition of the word "undulation." Yes, it was the famed booty-shakin' competition, and after watching the girls make every part of their body wobble like jello, we were then treated to a live performance by Like Dat, Bootz, and Buckwild where they once again showed they were unafraid to flirt with the dangerous world of wardrobe malfunctions. And by the way, I'm just putting it out there: Buckwild for season four of Dancing with the Stars.

Finally, after fifteen minutes, the man of the hour emerged: Flavor Flav! Just like every other part of the show, what he said was frequently punctuated by incessant applause, which was the producers' sly way of masking their excessive editing. Anyway, after watching Flavor's awful, aforementioned music video, Lala then opened the floor up to the ladies, who were able to finally ask him all their (itching and) burning questions. Buckwild was first, and in a totally unrehearsed bit, she asked Flav why he had cursed her out when she had left the show. This led to a profanity-laden argument as they discussed the merits of her questionable ghetto accent, but ultimately, as always happens with Flav and Buckwild, this scene ended with hugs and screams of "BUCKWII-YULD!!!"

The first truly wonderful segment of the night occurred next as Crazy took to the stage to showcase her brand new song, which I believe is called "The Worst Thing You'll Hear This Week." Sure enough, despite talking about her fledgling musical career, Crazy proved that she had little to no talent when it came to singing, and as she warbled through her notes, all the other girls on the couches yawned, looked away, and even began to chat with each other. This also provided us with the perfect opportunity to gaze at the all the inflated mammaries on display, especially those of Nibblz, who seemed about a millimeter away from total, wonderful disaster.

Next up, it was time to talk to the winner of Flavor of Love: Deelishis. Apparently she and Flav hadn't seen each other in four months -- lest anyone spot them together and alert the world media, which would surely issue a Breaking News bulletin. Anyway, the two reunited with a big, repulsive kiss, and then they took a seat together on the couch where we could all gawk at how much larger Deelishis was than Flav. Honestly, the size difference was astounding. She looked like an Amazon next to him. She also looked incredibly uncomfortable. Despite what all her reassurances that she really loved Flav, Deelishis appeared totally ill-at-ease when she was ordered to sit closer to her new man.

Romance incarnate.

"Oh, Kermy!"

After more babbling -- including a character endorsement from Nibblz -- we then went to commercial, and when we returned, it was time to bring out New York. Deelishis told us that she had sent her child backstage so she wouldn't have to see what was about to go down, but that just raised one question: was her child on stage in the first place? I seem to remember the promos for this reunion featuring the spawn of Deelishis, but upon second review, any and all children had been (wisely?) edited out of the show.

Nevertheless, we watched a lovely montage of some of New York's finest moments, including a rather savory put-down of Deelishis' mom and her allegedly plastic hair. As you can imagine, this did not go over well with 'lishis, who was presently scowling in the audience with the rage of a thousand bloodthirsty wombats.

Anyway, New York finally walked out on stage, vamping it up like the world's greatest drag queen. She immediately received jeers and boos from the other girls, and Buckwild went so far as to throw a shoe at her head. Unfortunately, it missed, but that didn't mean there were repercussions. We quickly discovered that no one shall throw shoes near LALA! Transforming from hostess to potential Flavor of Love candidate, Lala sternly told Buckwild, "Buckwild, you throw a shoe up here but you almost hit me, and I ain't do nothin' to you; so whatever feelings y'all got for her, y'all gotta still respect me 'cause I've been nothin' but nice to y'all the whole time so y'all not going to be throwin shit up here trying to hit me in the fuckin' head 'cause then there's gonna be a problem!" Oooh LALA!!! (Get it?) Okay, and yes, even though I said I took no notes, I did go back and transcribe that little rant.

Well, once things were settled down on the Lala front, it was back to New York, who was enjoyable over the top in her bitchiness, but sadly, it all seemed like much more of an act this time around (not that last time wasn't an act). Unlike the last reunion where New York seemed to be bubbling with rage and vitriol, this time, she seemed to be relishing the role of Queen Bee. Almost immediately, Bootz tried to get into it with her, saying something about being backed up in a wall and whatnot. New York then egged her on to come attack her and push her against a wall, and faster than you can say, "Jer-ry! Jer-ry!" the security guards were surely bracing for trouble. Lala, meanwhile, had a look on her face that seemed to say, "Seriously. I wanted to win a Pulitzer someday, and this is what I'm doing."

Anyway, Bootz and New York screamed at each other loudly, and let me just clarify something: while it didn't compare to last year, this was nothing short of awesome television. After Lala quelled Hurricane Bootz, she then asked Deelishis to say a few words. We discovered that the mustachioed woman had changed into some sort of sneakers -- the better to kick ass with. She proudly noted that New York had done enough to sully her own image, saying that "There's nothing that I have to do to bring her down. She brought herself down with her wack-ass weave, her badass fuckin' conversation, and her wack-ass shit that didn't keep her on the show a second time!" Well, then that was that, right? I mean, Deelishis said it herself -- no need to take her down when she'd already taken herself down.

Then again, New York had said some mean things about Deelish's mother and her allegedly plastic hair. Wrongs needed to be righted. And sure enough, Deelish rose from her chair and approached the stage, quickly finding herself blocked by big Rick. Next thing you know, Bootz and Bucky were up on stage, ready to join Deelishis in the beat-down of the century. And then came Buckwild. And then Saaphyri (word up, anger management!).

Well, then it was all out war. New York dropped her glam-azon act, angrily yelling, "NOBODY BETTER MOTHERFUCKIN TOUCH ME!!!" as the girls charged at her like wild boars. No security force could hold back these bitches, and with screams emerging from the audience, several ladies managed to charge backstage and... and... COMMERCIAL.

When we returned, we discovered that Bootz, Buckwild, Bucky, and Deelishis had been ejected, and pretty much from that point on, the reunion was a little bit of a snoozefest. New York sniffled about loving Flavor Flav, and Flavor Flav boasted about their wonderful friendship. Deelishis even returned and apologized to New York for charging her, and oddly enough, New York seemed to appreciate this mild form of respect, causing the two to exchange lovey-dovey compliments. Huh? What WAS this?

As the show neared the one hour mark, we then sat through an idiotic segment where New York's mother lambasted Flav via a plasma television, but Flav dealt with her in a totally ingenious way: he found a magic marker (that just happened to be hanging around) and drew glasses and a mustache on the television. Hilarious! I'm sure VH1 LOVED paying for that! Later, he topped himself by pressing the mute button on the TV. Now New York's mom couldn't be heard! Hilarious x 2! Yay staged bits!

That was pretty much it. What did you think about the reunion show?

Posted by B-Side at 5:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (25)

What is up with the return of the Nip/Tuck Season 1 guest stars? First we had Manny Ramirez - I mean drug dealer Escobar and Sean's ex-lover Megan showing up as Sean's conscience while he was grappling with psycho-nanny Monica. Now it's time for the return of Plastic Surgery addict, Mrs. Grubman. You remember her? She had all sorts of entanglements with Christian, including blackmailing him into the boudoir. Even better she looks like the bastard love child of Vicki Lewis and the teacher from Teen Witch . In other news, two sad developments occur this week in terms of the recap: 1) this is the second week in a row where dirking for Christian's gayness is all but non-existent (don't worry, I'll try to whip something up for those of you eager to imbibe); 2) Baby Connor is getting his lobster claw removal surgery. If it is a success does that mean I can no longer call him Sebastian?!?!?! I don't even want to think of it... Those are actually the only two things that happen this week. Mrs. G returns with nurse Monique in tow, and Julia and Sean try to find some common ground for their son Connor's claws. Lackluster doesn't even begin to sum it up...

The aforementioned Mama's Family star/Mrs. Krabbappel hybrid is back in the form of Mrs. Grubman. The story with her ended with her suffering a stroke or some such nonsense, and becoming a total recluse. Christian hasn't seen her in years, but here she is with sassy pants McGee Monique as her nurse. Oh Monique will your cutting barbs never cease!?!? Remember when Monique was held up at the airport for carrying a hair dryer? That was the most random celebrity news of last year, I think. And boy does these two how a colorfully dysfunctional relationship! Monique calls Mrs. Grubman: "Driving Miss Crazy; Mrs. Grubman calls Monique: "Star Jones." Umnata calls them Rosario and Karen Walker.

So now that Mrs. G.'s (no, not Mrs. Garrett) ready to get back into society, she wanted Christian to perform a few surgeries on her to spruce her up. Alas, there is no time for a party, as she has Stage 4 lung cancer. Downgrade. This doesn't mean she wants to cancel the surgeries, she just wants them speeded up. Christian refuses, considering her delicate condition, so Mrs. Grubman asks for the surgeries after she dies. She'll be the best looking corpse around! Well, second best looking corpse. That honor belongs to Mike Delfino on Desperate Housewives (look at me cross promoting my recaps!). Christian can't be bothered by these nutty requests. He's a surgeon, a whore and an asshole, NOT an undertaker.

At the McNamara's Julia is breast feeding little Sebastian, not minding the little pinches that his claws inevitable cause on her boobie. In walks Marlow who dramatically says that Motherhood becomes Julia. I think Marlow's right. Motherhood does become Julia. It's parenthood she doesn't wear too well.

Sean had been working late on procedures for Sebastian. Turning a claw into a hand is no easy task. Julia, however, is getting frustrated because Sean is thinking too much like a surgeon and not enough like a husband or father. Julia can't ask the questions she wants, like how will he heal? Or what do we do with all the rubber bands that we've been using to keep his claws from getting loose? You know the usual concerns. Sean is too preoccupied with having his head up his ass, that he doesn't even realize that talking to his wife about baby cadavers he's practicing on might upset her. Baby cadavers, huh? What parent donates their baby's dead body to science? Maybe that's what Madonna does with the kids that don't work out...

Now this is going to come as a shock. But there seems to be a hidden reason as to why Sean is so intent on de-clawing his son. I know, I know! It's quite a surprise. Insert Flashback to Sean as a child. We see the back of a kid's head in some middle class home as Sean's parents are arguing over money and letting their son play baseball even though the kid will be made fun of. Alright, something's wrong with Sean's face, and the mother wants to fix it but the dad doesn't, because they don't have the money. WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM!?!?! As Mini-Sean turns around, his face is covered with a baseball mitt, a la Austin Powers and his man parts in the movies. LAME.

The next beat involves Sean taking Annie and Sebastian to the diner for breakfast. I've got to say that I'm mondo disappointed that the evil Annie that I (and I believe, only I) saw in the first few episodes has disappeared. But come on, doll mutilation? Creepy. Trouble starts when some fat, Ginger kid (please see the hysterical South Park episode if that Ginger reference doesn't make sense)makes fun of Sebastian's claws. Sean goes crazy and starts calling Ginger out on his pig nose or chubby cheeks. Sean then calls the kid an asshole and when the Ginger's father tries to defend his son, Sean punches the dad and calls him an asshole as well. Umm looks like you're the asshole, Seano.

Over at Mrs. Grub's mansion, she's refusing to eat, not realizing that anorexia is only cool, when you are a semi-famous starlet. She thinks that if she just starves herself she won't need the liposuction that Christian is refusing her. Pumpkin, you can eat whatever you want; Cancer is nature's laxative. Before Christian goes in to confront Mrs. Grubman, Roasrio, I mean Monique, I mean Yvetta, begs Christian: "Don't let her die." After all, Monique needs this gig - Phat Girlz was a bomb, after all. This all leads me to wonder if any movie with a Z in it has ever been a hit (the answer is yes and no - on imdb there are over 350 movies that have grossed $100 mil domestically, only a handful have a Z in them - being a nerd rocks!).

Christian enters the bedroom, and Mrs. Grubman alludes to their aborted tryst from years ago (Christian was ready to lay the pipe for Mrs. G, but she, thankfully, started crying and just wanted to be held). Mrs. Grubman is doing the same thing in her bedroom, that I do every time I get stuck on the subway: She's planning her funeral. Where my tasteful send off, involves The Flaming Lips song, "Waiting for A Superman" and my best friend Carla leaping on my coffin, Mrs. G's has a seating chart and a roster of speakers that sounds like a Republican National Convention guest list (common denominator of both: the appearance of Satan). Christian is going out on a limb here, but he thinks that Mrs. G. may be giving up on life. Ehh, she's lived a pretty good life, with only two regrets: 1) she didn't sleep with Christian when she had the chance (barf) and 2) she never sang at the Rainbow Room. It seems that before that whore Dionne Warwick got her claws into Burt Bacharach it was our beloved Mrs. G. who was supposed to be Burt's lady. It all comes down to these two facts: Mrs. G. is lonely and I don't care. Christian then makes a deal with her: if she eats some soup today, he'll give her some Botox tomorrow. Oh now we get reintroduced to sensitive, nice Christian? Blow me, dude (he totally would: DRINK!). No seriously, giving this old, crazy hag some soup doesn't erase the memories of the past few episodes, especially your deuche-tastic treatment of Kimber last week. The scene ends with Mrs. G saying: "I love you, ya know." At least someone does Mrs. G.

Julia has just found out about Sean's little episode at the Diner, and now the attacked Mr. Thompson wants to sue the McNamara's for being super annoying. Sean's response to this is both mature and well thought: "Let him sue me, sick asshole." Julia wants to know what all this intensity is about? Sean says he had to do something about them making fun of Sebastien. I guess punching the guy was better than the next step in the Sean Overreaction Handbook: Disembowelment. Julia wants Sean to apologize to Mr. Thompson ("When I step on your foot and squeeze your hand and say 'Hello, Mr. Thompson' you say hello." - Best. Simpsons Episode. Ever.). Sean thinks that his hot temper and lack of rational judgment means that the best decision he can make right now is to move up Sebastian's de-clawectomy.

Sean heads over to the baseball game that the Ginger who was mocking Sebastian is at. This leads to another flashback which is really just another reminder that Lost is still 23 hours away. Sean is just a wee lad, and wants to sign up for little league, instead of playing on the field alone with his father. Sean's dad tells him no because the other kids will laugh at him. He'll ride the bench, play right field and be put in the back of the team photo. But isn't that what Little League is all about? I mean, seriously, isn't it just a pre-adolescent preparation for frat or office hazing later in life?

Back at the Ginger's game, Sean meets up with Mr. Thompson, who isn't budging on the lawsuit. Sean swallows his massive pride and apologizes for erupting. Mr. Thompson is angry and embarrassed that Sean humiliated him in front of his son, causing him to have to do some actual parenting, explaining that Sean was wrong, the Ginger was wrong and Mr. Thompson was wrong. Ugh. Parenting is hard. Once things seem a little more settled Mr. Thompson starts talking about Ginger's double play last night, which won the team the game. Sean muses that every kid should have a moment like that. That moment, is all he wants for Connor. Well, if it makes it any easier, Connor may never have a moment like that, but he does because the foremost Musical Conductor in all of King Triton's kingdom. That's got to count for something...

Julia, Sean, Christian and some specialist Doctor whose name I didn't catch, are discussing the surgery overview, but Julia is confused. Luckily for her, Marlow enters the meeting, causing Sean to get angry and Christian to arch his newly threaded eyebrows (what the hell: DRINK). He starts asking the hard hitting questions about complications and pain. I say let the kid suffer through all the complications and pain he can now, as whatever it is, it will be nothing in comparison to the hardships he will face growing up in the McNamara house. Or Under the Sea. The most horrifying aspect of the procedure is the part when Sean is going to turn the "suggestion of a digit" into a real thumb, using screws and I think, magic. Marlow thinks that this will put poor Conner through a lot of pain and since he can most closely relate to Conner (they are about the same size), his suggestions should be taken seriously. For example, Marlow has been reading up some tests that have been done on adults who have had major, invasive surgeries as infants and it has been found that many of the adults remember, quite vividly, the pain they felt as children. Sean dismissed this is Munchkin mumbo jumbo! A doctor's office is no place to talk about "speculation" and "pain". Julia storms off, since she takes everything that spews from Marlow's lips as pure fact.

Mrs. G. and Yvetta head to McNamara/Troy for the promised Botox shot, since Mrs. G. is eating again. This week's angelic Christian offers Yvetta some Lypo for her troubles, but she says HELLLLLLL NAAAWWW. Yvetta loves every pound of herself, she doesn't need any Lypo. Jeez, that's a lot of love. Once she leaves the office, Christian goes for the Botox and when he turns around Mrs. G is dead.

Marlow walks in on Julia reading, which prompts her to start reading the passage from Afraid & Cry, a loud, very poorly. She sounds like she's not quite hooked on Phonics. Whatever happened to hooked on Phonics? Did everyone learn to read? She's telling Marlow about a memory from a 7 month old who remembers many details of his surgery vividly. She wants to convince Sean to postpone the surgery. Marlow then announces he's leaving his Manny post, to presumably go work for a celebrity, since Manny's are currently all the rage thanks to Brit Brit. Julia is freaked out; she doesn't think she can survive without Marlow. The little guy just thinks he's been a disruptive influence in the household. But Julia needs Marlow. He doesn't agree, saying that Julia's powerful. The bottom line is that the thought of Sebastian waking up tomorrow and not seeing Marlow is totally f-ed up to Julia. Naturally, the two of them start making out. For those of you wondering, she's sitting on the couch and he's standing up, so everything lines up. It seems that was the disrputive influence Marlow was mentioning earlier.

Christian is giving the D-E-A-D Mrs. Grubman the full surgical treatment, so he's even washing his hands before the taxidermy. This leads to Christian getting all psych-babble reflective on how Mrs. G. totally missed her life and that he wishes he could've contributed a little more to it. This somehow turns into a chat (yawn) about Sebastian's surgery and I thank God for my DVR fast forward button.

As I'm zooming right along the surgery, I stop because I see Burt Bacharach. Yuppers, he's playing piano and the dead Mrs. G. is singing. Wow. Pretty bad. I mean, she's good, but the whole concept is pretty bad.

At home, Sean pulls out his memory box and finds his Little League mitt. It seems as though, his mom let him join the baseball team, and it's not clear how awful (if at all) the children were to Mini-Sean. We also get to see his deformity, which I don't entirely get. It's kind of like a severe dog bite, because Sean basically doesn't have an upper lip and there's a huge scar all the way up to his nose.

The best (and by best I mean, oh sweet God in heaven, worst) part is that he never told Julia about any of this. Sean's mother got the surgery done on Sean behind his father's back. That is why Sean's dad left! A mystery solved! Wait, is something only a mystery if anyone gives a shit? Like if a tree falls on Rush Limbaugh in the Forrest, and no one's around, does anyone care? No, that's not it, but you get what I'm saying. Who cares about Sean's contrived and wildly convenient disfigurement or why his dad left? I'll do you one better and ask, who cares about Sean?

Julia, shockingly, isn't at all angry with Sean for keeping this from her. I was really expecting something along the lines of: "I don't even know you!" But nothing out of her, not a peep. Sean really wanted to put that pathetic kid behind him. I'm sorry; did I miss something in the flashbacks? Mini-Sean didn't seem all that pathetic; in fact he seemed pretty well-adjusted for someone with a facial deformity. Julia argues that the "pathetic little boy" is why Sean's a Plastic Surgeon. Sean agrees, but he just couldn't let her see him as that pathetic, ugly kid. But she fell in love with that little kid, which makes Julia a pedophile.

At Mrs. G's funeral, Christian and Yvetta are the only ones in attendance. It's supposed to be sad, but just kind of comes off as unlikely. I mean, no one showed up? I can even understand the daughter not coming because Mrs. G. chose vanity over family. But none of the posh uppercrusties that Mrs. G. was inviting? Come on...

Mrs. G. screwed Yvetta in her will, so she's cashing in a favor and will see Christian next week for some free Lypo. It seems that Monique fell out of love with one of her hemispheres. Christian can afford the extra pro bono work, because Mrs. G. left all her money to him and the practice.

And for one shining second I think they are going to spare us the overwrought, overly dramatic eulogy. I'm half right. Christian gets up to the podium and starts to read his eulogy to no one, but stops midway. YESSSS. AS he leaves though, he gets overcome with "feelings" and starts screaming at the corpse, He's going to tell the truth! Let it out Christian! Mrs. G. was obsessed with looks and plastic surgery and it cost her everything! But Christian knows, deep inside, she meant well. Wait. Are you talking about Mrs. Grubman? Or yourself!?!?! Christian is crying and then makes out with the corpse. Oh there's a new rule. Not only do we drink when it's hinted that Christian is gay, but also when it's hinted that he might be a Necrophiliac: DRINK!

Finally, Connor is going in for his surgery and maybe we can finally stop talking about it. Funny that the surgery is at Mc/Troy and not at, say, a real hospital? We Flashback to Sean's no lip surgery just as he cracks Sebastian's claw. It has to be said that the surgery is hysterical, as the baby gets drilled, sawed and screwed (literally).

Julia is in the waiting room and Marlow comes in. I know Marlow is a midget and all, but he can totally do better. As a matter of fact, he's already said that he's knee deep - well I guess in his case that's not overly impressive, so let's say chest deep - in pootang. Why Julia?

One last flashback as we see Sean's dad freaking out by his normal lip after his surgery. Err, why? Oh yeah, symbolism. Sean's dad couldn't cope with the loss of control over his family when Sean's mother went behind his back to get the surgery on Sean. What you don't buy it? Yeah, me neither. But Sean's twice the dad that his father was, as he is holding post-surgical Conner in his arms clutching his one remaining claw.

Come on with this nonsense already. Can you say: Season low?

Posted by Umnata at 2:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Thanks to a little help offered on the Disney Channel website, the Hannah Montana look promises to be the costume of choice among young girls (and some grown men in major cities) this Halloween. The 10 easy steps include dark jeans, flat boots, a red, purple green or white top, a glittery ("or even leather") jacket, sparkly scarf, bangles and bracelets, sunglasses, rock star headset, and a pen for when people ask for autographs.

The most important is saved for last: "The wig is key to the look. Wear a long blonde wig with bangs."

The Disney people say they've posted the guide because of all the requests from fans who want to dress up like 13-year-old Miley Cyrus, daughter of country rock star Billy Ray.

Meanwhile, in an appetite-spoiler after the jump, Bill Maher demonstrates that he's still politically incorrect, if a few days behind South Park when it comes to the hip bad taste department, as he takes a stab at the most outrageous costume at a big time Hollywood celebrity Halloween party.

--Tabloid Baby

Posted by Tabloid Baby at 7:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Tori Spelling has found a home for the reality show she and her new husband have been pitching in wake of So NoTORIous, the ratings-impaired scripted series on VH-1. And if the premise seems more than a little concocted, the finale promises to be as real as it gets.

Oxygen has picked up the still-untitled, six-part series that will follow Tori and Dean McDermott, as they find, buy and refurbish a bed-and-breakfast somewhere in Southern California. Pregnant Tori is also literally "giving up her first born" to the altar of reality TV.

The "TV network for women" touts plans "for the intimate final episode to coincide with the baby's birth" in March.

Oxygen has commissioned World of Wonder Productions, led by Fenton Bailey and Randy Barbato, directors of Inside Deep Throat, to shape the series around its Fawlty Towers premise. Barbato's first task was explaining why Tori's life as a pregnant newlywed with a struggling actor husband and an estrangement from one of Hollywood's greatest fortunes wasn't enough reality to begin with.

Tori and Dean "may be actors, but they're also very entrepreneurial," he insisted. "They want to create a real business."

Sadly, Tori and Dean might need the extra income. Tori's depiction of her mom in So NoTORIous helped widen the estrangement with her mother, and reportedly cost Tori most of her inheritance from her late TV mogul dad, Aaron Spelling.

--Tabloid Baby

Posted by Tabloid Baby at 7:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Not satisfied that our previous journeys to Laguna Beach had yielded enough juicy tidbits, we decided to head back down to the famed seaside community in search of more eye-opening discoveries. Needless to say, we were far more successful this time. In a TVgasm exclusive, we talked with Breanna, Rocky, and even Alex and found out who's a sidekick, who's a Master, and who throws the best parties in all of the 'Guna. Like OMG! Videos coming soon...

Posted by B-Side at 2:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (26)

Since I have started TVgasm over two years ago, I have often wondered to myself if I could ever spend enough time away booze and other various aspects of partying here in Los Angeles to devote to TVgasm. I try my best, but as the site has become bigger and more complicated to maintain, some things have slipped through the cracks. This is one of those weekends where I should have stayed away from all things involving any form of ethanol and perhaps kept myself free of any embarrassing moments. Sometime in the middle of an awesome Halloween party last night, I realized that I should have posted about the TVgasm Annual Halloween Costume Contest. Last year, we had a lot of great entries, and we know that TVgasm readers are still just as excited about Halloween, so we'll be doing the same thing this year. Send in a picture of your television-themed Halloween costume to contests@tvgasm.com. We will take submissions until November 3rd.

Posted by J-Unit at 11:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Madeyoulaugh alerted us to David Letterman's confrontation with Fox News blowhard, perverted sexual harasser and former unctuous tabloid television host Bill O'Reilly on Friday night's Late Show. And in case you missed it, Round Two of the Letterman-O'Reilly showdown was as compelling as madeyoulaugh promised, definitely "one for the ages" and, if all is right in the world, "one of those shows that people will be talking about on Monday."

Nikki Finke rightfully calls the segment a "bitch-slapping" of O'Reilly and repeats her praise of Lettermann for having "the brass balls to go where the cowardly White House news corps and corporate suck-up Leno fear to tread: presenting Dubya in all his dumb-ass glory."

It's one of those rare, historic TV moments where people stop being polite and start getting real. And it demonstrates that Letterman, for all his quirks, is one of the medium's great broadcasters.

--Tabloid Baby

Posted by Tabloid Baby at 10:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

There's word that Studio 60 on The Sunset Strip is about to get the axe, despite NBC's announcement Friday that it ordered up a whopping three extra episodes of the portentious drama about the serious folk behind a weekly comedy show.

(But what if the show's creator and writer Aaron Sorkin turned his attention to baseball? Keep reading.)

Roger Friedman at Fox says cast members are spreading word that they'll soon be available for work. Friedman's story is spreading through the industry. And these prophecies have a habit of becoming self-fulfilling. Besides, last week, Sorkin's earnest drama about a weekly comedy show lost half of the 14 million viewers the surprise hit Heroes delivered as a lead-in. Tomorrow's episode is being bumped for Friday Night Lights.

One good thing: Tabloid Baby's pal DL Hughley, star of the cult motion picture comedy, Cloud 9, showed off his dramatic chops to good effect and will probably move a step or two up the star chain.

Another good thing to emerge from the Studio 60 mess? Sorkin's earnest, message-filled and very expensive series inspired Ken Levine to offer a lesson in comedy. The legendary Cheers writer has come up with a mini-classic: "If Aaron Sorkin wrote a show about baseball..."

--Tabloid Baby

Posted by Tabloid Baby at 9:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Back in 1977, William Shatner made TV game show history on The $20,000 Pyramid, when he gave an illegal clue, cost a contestant big money, and threw his chair out of the Winner's Circle. Now 29 years later, The Shat is being allowed back into the game show realm, this time as a host.

And it looks like he'll finally be paying for his indiscretion-- with his dignity.

The ultimate good sport and self-parodist isn't worried about maintaining his recent acting credibility-- or even his self respect-- with Show Me the Money, the game show that takes over on ABC after Dancing with the Stars wraps up.

Money, which takes over the Dancing results show slot on November 22, is a lot like Deal Or No Deal and 1 vs 100, as contestants rely on a large group for the answers. Only Shatner won't have the gravitas of Howie Mandel in this one. Instead of models with briefcases, Show Me The Money features the "Million Dollar Dancers," who ABC promises will always be "ready to break into any style of dance, while audacious master of ceremonies William Shatner spontaneously boogies with the beauties onstage."

Contestants must answer at least six trivia questions. After each answer, the player must choose one of the dancers, each of whom carries a scroll with a dollar figure that'll be added or subtracted from the players winnings. And remember, each dancer will be "ready to break into any style of dance, while audacious master of ceremonies William Shatner spontaneously boogies with the beauties onstage."

We'll guess Regis passed. Glad to see that Emmy for Boston Legal really paid off. Insert "beam me up" joke here. Now, let's watch that $20,000 Pyramid incident:

--Tabloid Baby

Posted by Tabloid Baby at 7:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Earlier this week, we solicited writing samples for Ugly Betty, Jericho, Top Chef, and Criminal Minds, and now we have some exciting news (at least to us). Unlike previous TVgasm casting calls, we've decided to take a page out of reality TV and let you, the readers, decide who shall join the ranks of TVgasm guest columnists. It'll be like American Idol, except with typos! Once we have enough samples for any given show, we'll post what we feel are the best submissions, and then y'all can vote yay or nay. Who knows, maybe we'll be able to find the next Umnata or Amanda or Copygodd or, dare I say, EDHILL!

For now, we're still in the gathering phase; so once again, let me remind all aspiring columnists that you can submit your writing samples to bside@tvgasm.com. If there's a particular show that we don't cover that I didn't mention above, feel free to submit for that too. Can't guarantee anything, but you never know.

Some tips after the jump...

Be Funny.
Seriously. Be funny. Have a point of view. Try to convey what it's like to be sitting on the couch with you as you watch the show. It's all about capturing the experience.

It's Not Just A Summary.
Plot summaries are boring. Don't take us from one event to another to another. That's lame. We don't need to read every single detail about every single thing that happens in a show -- just the essential beats and whatever else strikes your fancy. Don't get bogged down in the small stuff. A good way to avoid going overboard is to write a recap based on memory alone. Whatever sticks in your head usually is what's most important (plus, the writing goes a lot quicker)...

People Are Rabid
Readers thirst for the recaps. They don't like to wait. If you submit and are chosen, please realize that we'll expect you to be prompt with your recaps. We're trying to make our lag time a thing of the past...

Spellcheck Is A Wonderful Thing
Our posts here at TVgasm haven't always been stellar examples of spelling and grammar (whattup, EdHill!), but we're really striving to improve that. Help us fight the good fight. Spellcheck and proof read your submission.

This Could Be You
Know how to pontificate. Maybe someday you can write TVgasm guidelines too!

Posted by B-Side at 12:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Sorry this is a little late - especially for you 8 readers out there who are checking this recap out. That's right, Desperate Housewives, the 5th highest rated show got a piddly 8 comments last week. Sure, it could be my inconsistency writing these recaps, my countless grammatical and spelling errors or even my penchant for mildly racist humor (Miss you ChowMein!) that is keep you away from the comments area, but why blame myself when I can blame countless, anonymous readers? Was last week's comment by Nate accurate? Does no one care about this show anymore? Granted, this latest episode was probably not the one to make you type with excitement in the comments over the Wisteria Lane Witches. As a matter of fact, this was a season low for the series, as far as I'm concerned. Well, as far as everyone was concerned as it dropped to 19.3 million viewers this week - it's first time under 20 mill all season. So maybe it's not me, and maybe it's not you, maybe it's them. Yes! Them! you know who you are, SkeleHatcher with your arms so thin and waist so small. Perhaps the writers are giving Eva LongWHOREia (KatieHoles words not mine - as a matter of fact I wrote Eva a lovely note in the recap below) haters a reason to cringe by giving her too much screen time? Or are we all just missing the Applewhites and the Youngs too much to have anything of substance to say? So let's allow a Mary Alice Voiceover to pave the way to this week's recap: "YYYYESSSS, things were a bit skimpy overattvgasm, but just then, UMNATA, reeeemmmmemmmbered... the bloggers who snark together... stay... to.get.her."

Bree starts the evening rummaging around a seedy motel. No don't worry, she's not cheating on Dr. Giggles, but rather she's looking for her slutty sloth daughter who is currently having a season 1 Dawson's Creek affair with her History teacher. Bree runs into Gus, my favorite stock character: The slimy motel day manager. He of the paisley shirt and slick comb over, Gus how you captured my heart from the moment you asked Bree if she had a gun, worrying about your new carpet.

Alas, Bree doesn't have a gun on her (wouldn't it solve so many problems, if she did?), she just wants to calmly and politely explain to her daughter and her teacher that this affair is unacceptable. As is the location of it. Come on Sloth, Mama Petrelli's basement was nicer than this place! Bree enters the den of sin and we hear off camera some screeching from Danielle. Okay, yes it was funny that Bree used a tissue to open the door of sin to her daughter's love nest. In case you haven't noticed, I'm completely ignoring Mary Alice at this point.

Now it's time for Dysfunctional Family Dinner at the Hodge-Podge house! Yippey! Bree thought that the way to mend her daughter's broken heart was through cooking some lamb. Yes, Bree, you are so in touch with the teenagers. You interrupted a lurid, sexual tryst between your daughter and her history teacher, so cooking her some tender lamb, with just a pinch of rosemary is the way right back into her heart. The dysfunctional barbs fly starting with Andrew saying that Sloth doesn't like Lamb, she prefers, old goat. Hardeeharhar. Ehh, it's clever in theory, but I just felt like there was a better barn animal joke in there somewhere. Granted, I don't know what that joke is, but that's why I don't write for the 5th highest rated show on television, I just write a blog mocking it. Orson (still my favorite homicidal dentist, like, ever), chimes in telling Danielle, that her paramour being nearly divorced doesn't exactly make him the most suitable mate. Danielle retorts by throwing a plate of food at the wall, forcing Bree to do the unthinkable: Consider buying paper plates.

Across the street, after a day of hard work, Lynette is home to discover that her husband has discovered, at long last, his dream. He has decided that this dream of his is to open up a Pizzeria. Say Whaaaaat? I was hoping that he'd say it in an affected stereotypically Italian accent, to really make sure the idea comes off even morestupid, but he doesn't. First of all, isn't a dream something that you've always, you know, dreamt about? Not something that you, oh I don't know, MAKE UP OUT OF THIN AIR!?!? Second of all, I hate Tom. That's it, nothing more to that. Lynette is trying to hide her shock, awe, and I think, disgust, by swallowing this hard piece of nonsense.

Speaking of nonsense: Damn you Jack Tripper, Janet Wood and Christmas Snow, for making the world of misunderstandings so bountiful to television writers! Damn you to hell! In the world of Carlos and Gabby's "messy" divorce (No internet porn? No stolen cash? No accusations of sexual deviancy? Talk to Kathy Griffin and Sara Evans about "messy" divorces, Mr. & Mrs. Solis), Gabrielle gets home to find Carlos getting the mood ready. The mood, you say? But Carlos, aren't you and Gabrielle O-to-tha-VER? That's certainly what Gabrielle explains to Carlos, as she follows his misguided passion play all the way to the bathroom, where Carlos has stashed the ho he's trying to bang. Oh wait, Gabby, did you think... did you think the candles and the music and the romance was for you!?!?! ZOINKS!

Since we're on the subject of hijinks, I suggest anyone with an aversion to Susan Mayer season 2 physical comedy "adorableness" skip to the next paragraph. I almost feel like the writers should just throw in the towel with the cutesy Susan is a spazz stuff. Sure, integrate it here and there, but when it becomes the center of a scene, it is just so painful. Okay, you win! We all loved it when Susan fell naked in the bush! But that was season 1, which is a distant memory. Like Paris Hilton's virginity distant. Like Mel Gibson's sanity distant. Like Foley's innocence distant. You get the picture, right? Unfortunately, for all of us, Susan tries to jog Mike's memory of their dating, by performing "their song" Car Wash, complete with off-key singing and spastic Elaine-Benis-only-not-funny dancing. It's truly a horror to behold, which it's supposed to be to Mike. I think we're supposed to find it charming. Live beheadings have more charm than this abortion of a scene. And it's really too bad, because as of last week I was fully back on the Susan bandwagon. And then this...

Lest we forget, there is also the whole ordeal about this dead girl that Ernie Shaft Hudson is investigating. The chick who we thought was going to turn out to be Orson's wife. It seems that the people doing the autopsy on the body were on some serious drugs when they were checking out the corpse for clues; they totally missed the numbers she had written on her hand. Wow, that's some pretty solid police work. Next case: Finding out if the light in the refrigerator really shuts off when you close the door. Right now, the hunt is on to figure out what those numbers could possibly mean. Perhaps it has something to do with the Pearl Station? No? The Swan? No? Please? Later on the numbers turn out to be a phone number. In fact it's... wait for it... wait for it... Mike Delfino's phone number! Alright, that's a pretty good twist...

The Hodge-Podges are having dessert, so Andrew is sent to fetch his sister. Good luck, getting her, Andrew. If you're not serving Baby Ruths or Rocky Road, Sloth ain't interested! What she is interested in as an overdramatic suicide attempt. With a broken jar on the floor (what was in there, Smurf dust?) a razor blade and an open bottle of pills, somehow Danielle ended up with what looked like a paper cut on her wrist. I think my favorite moment of the night, belonged to Andrew, when he saw her predicament and off-handedly said" Yeah, I'll tell them."

Andrew tries to tell her mother what's happened, but Bree hates to be interrupted while speaking, almost as much as she hates Democrats. After her story, Andrew tells her that Sloth has tried to kill herself , which they don't take seriously at first. Sadly, when they go upstairs, they don't finish the job.

At the hospital, Bree is besides herself, and Dr. Giggles is clearly shaken. You know who isn't shaken: Andrew. As he quips endlessly about the far death experience his sister just had, he elicits the psycho out of Orson, as he finally snaps at Andrew about the dangers of suicide and how it is NOT something to be joked about! After this episode, Bree thinks that instead of Sloth going through therapy alone, that maybe they would all benefit from some group therapy. Nah, I think you guys are totally fine. Not every family can boast 3 out of 4 murderers. Well done!

At Lynette's there is a new member of the inner-circle: My girlfriend, Mrs. McClusky. That's right; the brain trust over on Wisteria Lane has allowed her passage into the inner sanctum of their stupidity to the hottest 80 year old on the block.

MMM COME TO DADDY!!!

Joined by Gabby and Susan, Lynette is explaining to her girlfriends how stupid her husband's idea of opening up a pizzeria is. Lynette doesn't know what to do, because on the one hand she isn't confident that Tom's idea can succeed, but on the other , she doesn't want him to resent her for being a ball buster. Oh, Lynette! You needn't worry about that, your husband doesn't have any balls.

Interrupting this meeting of the minds is The Babe! That's right; she's back and looking totally Babetacular! Hey Babe! She's been eavesdropping on the convo between the ladies and wants to put in her two cents in. The Babe forces her harsh opinion down Lynette's skinny throat, telling her that the idea sucks. This is all of their lives that Tom is Luigi-ing around with, and Lynette must put a stop to it. Lynette and The Babe, united? Something tells me by the crazy look in The Babe's eyes that all isn't what it seems.

At this point, you might be asking yourself, what plotline takes the place of the completely inane, uninteresting Applewhite arc from last year? You'd think it'd be the new mystery, but since that is mildly interesting, it can't be. There are no other people chained up in basements , so you have to go with year-to-date low interest levels. Hands down, the winner has got to be this good girl Julie/bad boy Austin love connection. I mean, I love (loved?) Julie, but who gives a crap. And this Austin kid is way way too pretty to be the bad boy he claims to be.

Anyway, Austin needs help with his homework, Julie's a tutor and her friend, is Ann from Arrested Development, who thinks Austin is super hot. Except, here as opposed to that great, great show, Ann is meant to be some kind of hot rocker babe. I think she may in fact be Pat Benatar. Julie agrees to help Austin, because she's totally not into him, but instead needs the money. And by money, she means cock.

Susan is at the hospital trying to visit Mike, but unfortunately the old nurse who knows Susan from the past six months of bedside attentiveness is on vacation, and a new mean nurse is there instead. As Susan sees Edie heading into a visit with Mike, she finally puts 2 + 2 together and it equals something other than 29382938208323. Susan now realizes that Edie has been poisoning Mike's mind against her since Mike woke up. The mean nurse takes Edie's side in the argument, and kicks Susan out of the hospital for being a disturbance. On the plus side, when the big mountainous security guards drag SkeleHatcher from the Coma Ward clutching the Mac & Cheese she made for Mike and screaming "Who am I disturbing? This is a coma ward, don't you want them to wake up!" she doesn't have a zany pratfall. So we got that going for us...

Its family therapy time for the Hodge-podges. This turns ugly rather quickly, as Bree expresses her feelings about Danielle's suicide attempt, saying how helpless she felt seeing Danielle, laid out with her wrist cut with a spoon. It was the worst moment of her life. Wow, imagine having to pick between your daughter's suicide attempts or leaving your son on the side of the street and causing him to become a male hooker. Andrew, somehow isn't insulted that his mom totally Sophie's Choiced him, giving the advantage to Daniele. Danielle sees this as an opportunity to not only be physically ogre-ish but to also be metaphorically ogre-ish. She realizes that when her mother claims that this was the worst moment of her life, this gave her all the power. Danielle announces, very Bree-like, as a matter of fact, that if anyone stands in her way of her dating her cliché, I mean, History teacher, she'll runaway and never come back! Please, oh God, please, someone stand in her way!

Hey wanna know how I know that Austin is a bad boy? He drinks beer! In Julie's room! Out of a can! While doing homework! Man, I bet he has a tattoo also! If I'm not falling for it, that doesn't mean Julie isn't. After Austin lays on some sad sack story about a slutty mom and the string of crappy boyfriends that she had, Julie feels bad for him and tells him to lie down because "he looks tired" (tired from what? Bad Boy convention?) while she does his paper.

Wait a second; is this a bad boy, who isn't really bad at all? Man, they just keep throwing curveballs at us. Next thing you know we're going to meet a hooker with a heart of gold, or perhaps an emotionally distant father who reconnects with his son. As for Julie, Remember when she was the beacon of clarity and stability in the Mayer household? Kiss that bitch goodbye. Suddenly, her mother's dance interpretation of the Car Wash is downright sensible. Later on, Julie goes outside to inspect some kind of noise (what is she the Wisteria Lane hall monitor?) and finds Austin slumming it with her friend Ann. I mean, seriously Austin, Ann? She was even dowdy for George Michael. Sure, I don't really get the appeal of Austin, even from a guy's point of view. Doesn't he have like, Disney Movie Character features? Kind of like Beast when he turned into a human? But hey, if I can rub one out to Ariel and Princess Jasmine who am I to judge if you ladies? Don't worry everyone; Julie totally doesn't care about Austin hooking up with her friend. Yeah, about as much as I don't care that the Cards are in the World Series instead of the Mets (read: Julie and I bother care. A lot).

"WE'RE RUNNING WITH THE SHADOWS OF THE NIGHT"

At the Solis' house (getting very little screen time tonight, which is surprisingly noticeable); Gabrielle is getting ready for a date. I'm sensing something in retribution, accented by a little "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Gabrielle claims that the only reason to introduce your spouse to someone you are about to have sex with, like Carlos did last night, is if you really really hate them. Carlos doesn't agree, but enter Phil Lopez! Phil Lopez is Gabby's date for the night, and, wouldn't you know it, Carlos' mortal enemy!

Lynette just can't help herself, as she gently suggests to Tom that perhaps he should start a catering company and then work up to opening up a pizzeria. Tom's only response to this is to repeatedly claim that a catering company isn't his dream, a pizza place is. He then holds his breath until he turns blue and is sent to bed without supper. Are you kidding me with this? 24 hours ago your dream wasn't opening a pizzeria either. Lynette points out the very real fact that 90% of all restaurants fail their first year. Tom retorts with some quick math, suggesting that he could be one of the 10 % that does make it. Why doesn't Lynette ever think of that? Lynette doesn't get a chance to respond, but I assume her answer would have gone something like this: "Because you suck, Tom."

So on the list with the Austin bad boy routine, the other thing that we never need to see on this show, or any other show, for that matter, would be the whole fake sex joke. Like for example if say, Gabby and Phil just got out of the hot tub, and Gabby wanted to make Carlos think they were having sex, she'd probably bring Phil upstairs, move the bed and start making all sorts of sex noises and screaming out dirty talk. But they wouldn't do that because it's not funny and it wouldn't work. Oh wait...

"I'll have what she's having."

This complete disaster, both literally and figuratively, ends with Phil Lopez 's blue balls exploding as he goes downstairs to leave, but runs into Carlos, who figures out Gabby's ruse. When Carlos confronts Gabby about going so far out of her way to try to make him jealous he deduces that she must still love him. Gabby claims she doesn't and asks him what she has to do to hurt him so badly, that he gives up hope. Carlos claims there is nothing she can do, which makes Gabby come around. They'll discuss this more in the morning.

In the morning, Carlos brings Gabby her breakfast in bed, but gasp, she is in bed with another man! It seems she got her second wind last night a brought home a gentleman caller. As Carlos' heartbreaks, the only relevant Gabby comes out, Latina Spitfire Gabby, as she asks Carlos if she has hurt him enough yet, or should she keep trying?

This whole nastiness made me want to just send a little note to Eva Longoria:

Dear Eva Longoria:

You're very pretty. And unlike some of the readers of this blog, I don't hate you or curse the ground you walk on. I don't even think you are the worst actress in the world, and on more than one occasion, it is your scenes and your scenes alone, that upgrade an episode of Desperate Housewives from elephant shit to somewhat more tolerable horse shit. That being said, there is nothing you can offer the world in the way of "hilariously" faked copulation that wasn't already patented by Meg Ryan in "When Harry Met Sally..." which, to be honest, was only funny itself once. In 1989. Please put away the physical comedy. Thank you.

-Umnata

Now that that is settled, we check-in with Mike, who is being wheeled around the hospital by Edie. Now, I don't mean to get all Rush Limbaugh on this or anything, but I didn't know that James Denton was so committed an actor, that he would go on a hunger strike to look as if he had actually come out of a coma. I mean, doesn't Mike look like an AIDS patient in some of these scenes? Sure, a coma patient would look haggard and lose weight, and boy will my face be red if I find out that James Denton had Parkinsons, I mean, a parasite over the hiatus, but man, the guy looks like crap.

Headin' to the Streets of Philadelphia, Mike?

Anyway, Susan uses her keen intellect and a nifty diguise (Hat. Sunglasses) to dupe Edie and literally kidnap Mike and bring him on a tour of Wisteria Lane hotspots to jog his memory. As Susan wheels him around the streets, he has no recollection of anything, not even the aforementioned "naked in a bush" incident. It's not until Susan stubs her toe that Mike remembers something: You're a total spazz aren't you!?!? So Mike remembers that Susan's kind of an ass, big whoop! Well it is a big whoop for Susan, who sees this as step one in a multi-step process of Mike's Heart domination! Unfortunately for Susan, the mean nurse and Edie find them before she is able to jog anything else on Mike (if you know what I mean, wink wink). Finally Susan and Edie have it out, as Susan tells Edie that this isn't how it goes! Evil (Edie) doesn't triumph over good (Susan). Hmm... maybe not, but it seems that slutty (Edie) will triumph over (spazzy), in this case at least. Susan claims that Edie is only doing this to get back at her, which seems painfully self-centered to me. Edie also rebukes it. She's wanted Mike since day one, and she even stepped out of the way for Susan before, but not anymore! I like Edie and Susan as enemies, but I like Edie even more when she is a raging slut. Her whole, I like men, I like sex, was very Samantha from Sex in the City, and since Desperate Housewives makes me want to pull out my own pubic hairs as much as that show did, I think it's a wildly appropriate comparison.

Mike's tour certainly won't be stopping by Bree's however, as she has decided to go to Danielle's History Teacher/Lover's apartment, to drop off some of Danielle's things. Bree is kicking out another kid. But this time the only thing blowjobs will pay for is rent. Poor Andrew. Needless to say, this freaks out the teacher, having only recently seen Danielle close up under direct sunlight. He says that he's going to end things with Danielle, much to the pleasure of Bree.

Austin received a D - on the paper that Julie wrote for him and he is pisst off. He's also pisst because he hooked up with an ugly chick and his stock is severely plummeting. Julie, who doesn't care AT ALL that Austin hooked up with her friend - we know it's true cause she keeps saying it! - decided to rewrite his paper after she figured out that he duped her with his sad sad story of bad boy-itis. I'm not sure, but I think these two might end up together. And again, I'll say that two weeks ago, Julie was my favorite character on this show, but with the added screen time, can I get a big "who knew?" as far as how bad an actress she is? Yowser.

In Sloth news, Danielle is back with the Hodge-Podges. After getting dumped by her teacher, she did the only thing she could - turn him into the cops, the school board and his wife. Bree has never been more proud.

The night ends with The Babe and Tom having a little chat about his Pizzeria idea. IN direct contrast to what she told Lynette, The Babe tells Tom that she thinks it's a great idea and that he should totally pursue his dream. The Babe is back! Sure, this show has gone for the obvious, yet again, making The Babe totally out for Tom. Sure, I saw it coming; I guess I was just hoping they wouldn't do it. I think she was already enough of a foil for Lynette and with enough reason, without making her a home wrecker to boot. Now the question remains, is The Babe really crazy? Or is she just ratcheting it up a few notches to drive Lynette nuts? Either way - she's a genius!

BABEplicitous!

So what do you think was I just in a terribly bad mood writing this recap or was this episode truly that bad? I mean, watching it again was like torture. Or maybe I'm just disappointed because the season started off so strongly. Tell me what you think!

Posted by Umnata at 11:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)

Profuse apologies for the inordinate delay in Grey's Anatomy recaps the last couple weeks! The Qwertz's recap for the 10/12 episode is forthcoming shortly, followed closely behind by my resumed recaps for the 10/19 and 10/26 episodes. I took a major graduate school entrance exam this week and haven't had a free hour to do any recapping, but things will resume as normal from this week onward. The Pomp—between bouts of self-pity and bulimia, of course—thanks you for your patience.

Posted by m_ruv at 7:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

This season of America's Next Top Model has been very frustrating to me. Never have I seen so many girls do so little with so much potential. Outside of the Grudge Twins, I think that this has been a pretty good season as far as looks go. But when it comes to the pictures most of them, including my favorites, still have a long way to go. When I am trying to envision who is going to be wining this competition, I try to think of who would be on the cover seventeen, who would have a good life as a Cover Girl, and who has the capital I-T "IT" that would make them successful in the real world. I can honestly say I don't think I know if any of the grils fits that description, which is a little troublesome considering how far alonf we are on in this competition. However

The funniest part, of course, is that I actually spend a lot of time during the week contemplating questions like that, but since I know that I am here among family, I don't mind saying that out loud. Besides, I still have faith in Ms Bankable, so let's see if she can come up with a "novel" idea on how to get some separation among the remaining top models.

Although AJ said that her elimination was deserved and admitted that she may have secretly sabotaged her own chances on purpose, I think this overall competition lost a lot with her gone. She not only had an edgy look that has usually been missing from ANTM finalists, but she also happened to be one of the nicest people. Then again, maybe she was nice because she didn't really care, and that lack of a killer instinct did her in.

None of the other girls were really talking about AJ during her departure, which sort of makes sense because she admitted that she really didn't get close to any of the others besides Megg. That leaves us to open the show with Eugena complaining about some of the girls and what it is about them that bothers her. During the first show, Eugena talked shit about the girls from Cycle 6, and the judges haven't forgotten about it. It was clearly just a way for her to boost her confidence. Don't actions speak louder than words? In the house Eugena has been a pretty good roommate.

I know that some people are going to say "Well, if she's a good roommate, she won't talk shit behind her roommate's backs", and I suppose you could say that, but a lot of what Eugena has to say is true. Jaeda can't stop complaining about her hair. Check. Caridee can't keep her clothes on. Double check. Anchal complains about her weight. Check. Melrose is a backstabbing ho. Subjective, yes, but still worthy of a check. What's so bad about being frustrated with your roommates?

The next segment, of course, is Anchal, talking about how she is self-conscious about everything, including her body weight. We've all seen how Anchal looked before. She may have the curves of a woman, but she doesn't have any more life experience than, Brooke or the twins, so while I am sympathetic, I'll agree that the act is getting a little old. She complains about her weight, but then stuffs her face. I do feel bad, because she is not fat by any normal human standard, but if she is going to be a model, she needs to eat less bacon and more sprouts.

I think when this is all over, Anchal is going to have a bigger impact than most of the Top Model contestants when they leave. She's probably already considered the hottest Indian living in the United States. Parminder Nagra was cute in Bend It Like Beckham and she has that British accent going for her, but Anchal is a brick house. In the present, Anchal will have to take care of herself. If she's self-conscious then eating better will make her feel better, at least according to Caridee. And it's always good to take advice from girls who can't keep their clothes on.

Like all old people, Melrose likes to get up early and one morning she went out into the backyard and noticed there was a lot of equipment sitting outside and wondered what they are going to do. Well, I am not a genius or anything, but being on a show like America's Next Top Model, I would think that they might have you, I don't know, HAVE YOUR PICTURE TAKEN. We are then introduced to Elyssa Traub, or as we like to call her in Mayim Bialik. Speaking of Mayim Bialik, can you believe she turns 31 in just over a month and Jenna Van Oy (Six) will be 30 next year? Where the hell have I been all this time?

Ms. Traub was sort of like the Jay Manuel for the shoot, but who would be the photographer? None other than Tyra herself. Tyra has done photo shoots for the last couple of seasons, and some of them were pretty damn good. Tyra tried to act modest and say that she mostly shoots her friends and doesn't do anything professional, but judging from all the equipment and the $10,000 camera kit Tyra was lugging around, and the fact that all of the friends Tyra shoots are actors or celebrities, it's not like she is an amateur.

Tyra is a photographer, and she says she has been doing it for ten years, but let's be honest; she is kind of a one trick pony. She takes her pictures in black and white, and they all feature dark makeup around the eyes and some sort of reflective something or other. Perhaps knowing this episode would air around Halloween, Tyra decided that the models were going to put some of those spooky and demon-ish contacts in their eyes. As one trick ponies go, the pictures turned out pretty well, what do you think?

Melrose always takes good pictures, but I thought this one was only average. She seemed to be trying too hard, and yet perhaps had the least amount of energy of any girl Tyra shot.

Brooke's problem is that she has always seemed too cute for this competition. Most of the girls did this shoot by playing it very aggressive, while Brooke brought a great vulnerability. I am not sure if that's what Tyra was looking for, but it worked for me.

Eugena's look was scared, and I am not sure if I really counted it as sexy, but it may have been one of her more model-y photos to date. The jaw is sort of muddled, but the lips look great.

Michelle's picture was, uh, daring. It would have been scarier if they didn't hide her ears.

Jaeda's picture was very masculine, very scary, and I guess you could say had a sexy edge. The best thing you can say about this picture is that Jaeda let herself go. She's always so worried about looking masculine, but she didn't worry about it this time and she brought a fierce look.

Amanda's picture was one of the better of Tyra's shoot. Again it had a nice vulnerability, but you can see the difference between this and Brooke's picture. Although Tyra said she didn't know what to do with her hands and arms, you sure can't tell it from this picture. She looks like she knows what she is doing.

Seriously, so pretty that it's scary. The most amazing part about this is that she basically put her head forward and looked into the camera. Nothing else required.

I don't think Caridee knows what she is doing, but that doesn't stop her from taking great pictures. No matter what she's doing, she tries 110% and doesn't care what the people around her say. This picture had all sorts of energy and I would say it said scary and sexy more than any of the others.

The photo session with Tyra was only the beginning of the day. The girls next traveled to the El Rey Theater in Los Angeles. I would like to talk about the El Ray, but being located as it is in the Miracle Mile section of Wilshire Blvd, there are way too many museums nearby for me to risk a trip. I don't want to walk into the wrong building and learn something on accident. The girls met up with Sutan, their makeup artist, who goes as Radja when he is in drag. The lesson? Being Sexy 101 featuring burlesque entertainer Dida Von Teese.

Apparently Ms. Von Teese (who is married to Marilyn Manson) is one the top burlesque entertainers in the country, which is like me saying that I am one of the top bloggers at my desk. Her secrets to being sexy? Props are your friend, and use your hips. We were then treated to the sight of all the girls trying to be sexy with scarves, whips, and sunflowers. Hmm, I guess I missed the sunflower scene in 9 1/2 weeks. Most of the girls were pretty insecure and unsure of how to use the props. All of theme except for Caridee. Last week, I said maybe she wasn't a stripper and just wore short outfits because of psoriasis. This week, I'm going back to stripper, because she was working up a bigger sweat than Marlon Brando in Last Tango In Paris. Brooke, a virgin, could not believe that Caridee was getting so down and dirty what with the short skirt and all. Meanwhile, Caridee was thinking, "Sweet! I picked the perfect day to wear underwear!"

But did the fun stop there? Oh, no. There was more. The girls went to the house of Cathy Gould, one of the big wigs over at Elite Models. Elite Models will be giving the winner of ANTM a modeling contract, so she is one of the people the girls should care about impressing. By now, I was kind of sick of what was now kind of the third challenge of the episode, so I was hoping they would just get it over with.

So, what was Cathy going to have them do? Well, Kathy had a dinner party and she thought it would be great if she had the girls use the table as a runway. Sounds sort of interesting, right? I thought it might have been cool, but the girls were actually going to walk when people were eating. Who the HELL thought it would be a good idea to have their guests eat while girls were stomping on the table? Is nobody paranoid about HYGIENE? The last thing people want to see when they are eating are feet, and as a guy who basically lives in flip-flops, that includes me. They all had clothes on, and their feet were covered, but as a diner, you don't know where those feet have been. And sure this is some posh cosmopolitan party, but WHY DO YOU TAKE THAT CHANCE? Somebody back me up here!

Also, did anybody else think they were trying a little too hard to be couture with the clothes that the girls had on? I like G-Unit and they have a nice line of branded urban hip clothing for men and women, and believe it or not, there is a large part of their line that you could call classy. Unfortunately, what the girls had on did not qualify as classy, that is unless you are used to telling all the guys you meet that your name is Diamond and a lap dance will cost $50. You would think that the director of some big fashion agency would figure out that sexy is more than just hot pants and fishnets and a tank top. And I tell you what. If I had to be eating dinner with a bunch of feet in my face, I would want things to be classy.

I do love these types of challenges because the judges are always so self-important when it comes to evaluations. These girls walked on a table, why should that ability determine who wins the challenge? I would have rather seen the Ms. Von Teese do the evaluations, because at when she was handing out criticism and praise, it made sense. As for Cathy, she had some fairly obvious things to say, like Anchal doesn't have a typical runway body and Brooke wasn't convincing with her prop, but what was this shit about Melrose and her great timing? What would have been great timing is if the neighbor's dog had run into Cathy's house and took a dump on the table, letting Cathy know just how much people give a shit about what she says.

Yes, I know, Elite is giving a major prize to the show, therefore Cathy's opinion matters a whole lot, and in Cathy's opinion, Melrose was the winner. I would normally say, "Who cares?" because the challenge was so dumb, but the prize was awesome. Melrose, and three girls of her choice would go on a magazine shoot for seventeen magazine. Stupid challenge or not, any magazine spread is a good one for these girls.

Melrose picked the three friends girls that hated her the least, Brooke, Amanda, and Michelle, for the photo shoot. Once there, our good friend Atoosa Rubenstein (watch for her new movie tomorrow!) explained everything that was going on. The girls would be in a spread teaching seventeen readers how to change their costumes from plain to sexy. All methods Atoosa approved, of course. Brooke couldn't have been any happier. For her, it was really the first time that she could be herself. Of the remaining girls, it seems that Brooke would be the perfect fit for seventeen, especially since she's only 18 herself. I also think that Brooke has a face that would be a great fit for Cover Girl, which is one of the reasons I have put her near the top of my list. If she can ever bring that fierce energy the judges are looking for in the photo shoot, she will have the complete package.

Ms. Rubenstein. Atoosa the Giant to her friends.

TyraMail said that the photo shoot would test how well the girls could blur the fine line between sexy and sleazy. When they got there, they learned that their photo shoot was going to be romance novel covers, which I think is another great theme. I will also say that I do agree with a lot of people who say that the photo shoots are more gimmicky than ever and quite often tell us more about which girl had the best makeup and hair than which girl would be the best Top Model. Themes for the covers would be Jaeda - Dracula scene, Eugena - secret lovers, Michelle - secret love child, Caridee - peasant in love with a rich man, Melrose - madam in a brothel, Amanda - a woman leaving her man for another woman, Anchal - Cleopatra, and Brooke - desperate for her man to stay.

No romance novel cover is worth anything without a hot hunk on the front, and so the Bankable productions decided to see if Fabio would stop wondering if things were not butter and work for them for a day. If there was anything that I can't believe, it's how big Fabio is now. Sure he is 47 years old, but he's at the gym enough that I would think he would be a little more fit. He looks like a professional wrestler who can't get rid of his stomach, so he just gets his arms and chest bigger. What would have been funny is to see Dr. Will or Mike Boogie posing with all the girls for "Showmance Novels".

Caridee was first and the biggest surprise for me was how little chemistry there was between Caridee and Fabio. I don't know if Caridee was muted because she was first and didn't know if she should hold back, but her usual energy wasn't there. Not a bad picture, but it's not blowing anybody away either. It's too bad, because she usually brings "IT" during these shoots.

I know I should probably use the wide shot for Amanda because Fabio wasn't there, but this show is about the girls, not him, so that's what we'll go for. Jay mentioned that she was nervous and said her photos were consistently fair. Although I know I just said that I thought she knew what she was doing, I have started to notice that she does give a lot of the same looks at times (it doesn't help that her sister has a lot of those same looks), and this is one of them. The judges still love her though.

Michelle and Fabio were supposed to pretend that they were having a secret love child. I thought for sure that they would pick her to be leaving her man for another woman. Perhaps the producers forgot which one was which as well. She was really nervous, saying that lying in bed with another man is not something that she is used to, or even really wants to do. I thought she looked good in the frame and Fabio sort of ruined the picture. If there is anything that will keep Amanda and Michelle from advancing, it's that they seem to be falling back to safe poses a lot.

Anchal has coasted by on looks, and this picture was really perfect for those looks. Jay mentioned that the competition is getting more fierce, so she'll have to step it up sometime. This picture again looked so effortless, but she just pops. I think she could have "IT" she just has no clue what to do with it.

Eugena. Pretty and boring.

The only thing Jaeda is good at is complaining about her hair. I love her face so much, it's difficult to see her taking such bad pictures. The neck looks great and all the angles, but the nostrils and the eyes are doing nothing. She was able to let herself go earlier, but completely failed this time around.

I personally loved Brooke's picture, but I think this is a case where she puts a little bit too much actress in the picture and not enough model. She mentioned that she was a virgin (there are quite a few on this show) and actually believed Fabio when he said that he was a virgin as well. What does that have to do with her picture? Nothing at all, I just love how innocent she appears.

Melrose's picture was great, but I think that part of it was that Fabio was trying to dry hump her the whole time. They had an obvious chemistry (Fabio was wiping his nose with her like she was a box of Kleenex) and this is easily the sexiest picture of the bunch, although I would put Anchal's a close second. People keep comparing her to Lisa, but I loved Lisa and Melrose has yet to grow on me. Still, we need a villain and she's the closest thing the show has to one right now.

As it came time to decide who was going home, I realized that the eliminations are starting to get repetitive. Jaeda would be in the bottom two, and whoever was going up against Jaeda would go home, right? Well, not quite.

Amanda's name was called first, and from Tyra's photo, I would agree. Based on the Fabio shoot, I think not so much. Based on the pictures, I probably wouldn't have given it to Caridee either. I actually like her Tyra picture the most, but thought the Fabio pic was just not the same. The judges really liked it because she was able to look soft. And I think if she pulls it all together, she is going to be the one to beat.

The person I would have actually given the "win" this week is Anchal. I think the only reason the judges didn't call her name first is because they don't like how easy everything comes to her. She doesn't act like a model in person at all, and it would be tough to imagine her with enough confidence to be a Cover Girl spokesmodel, and needs to tone up a little bit. I just don't think there is that much time for her to convince the judges that she can do all of that.

After Anchal they called Melrose, which is sort of surprising considering how great the Fabio picture was and how she won the challenge. Then came the biggest surprise of the night when they called Jaeda's name. I really think she should have been in the bottom two again, but maybe they wanted to reward her for going all out in the Tyra pick in hopes of her pulling a repeat performance. Michelle's name was next, and I thought it was a big surprise. They gave her credit for taking a chance, but then they jumped down her throat because she said that it felt strange to be in bed with another person. Tyra said that she had to do the same thing when she was 15 and a virgin, and she pulled it off. I love you Tyra, but just because you weren't aloud to feel awkward around boys when you were growing up doesn't mean that nobody else can.

That left us with Brooke and Eugena. If the judges jumped down Michelle's throat. I don't know how to describe what they did to Eugena. After complimenting Eugena on how well she did in her picture with Tyra, they asked Eugena what she was feeling at the time. She answered, honestly, and without any attitude that she was sort of angry. Suddenly they are complaining that she is not likable and she stand up there and doesn't give a decisive answer and that she needs to have manners (and charm!). Where the hell did they come up with this? Eugena does talk shit in the diary room, and she is perhaps boring, but I don't see her as unlikable. I guess this is the first case in history where reality show editors are editing people to be less bitchy than they really are.

And what about Brooke? I guess I should have seen this coming, because they kept on alluding to how young she was. Near the beginning of the show, we saw her get a care package from home. Inside that package was a copy of her high school diploma. Elimination day was actually the day of her graduation, and she was obviously missing it for the competition. I was really surprised she was in the final two because the judges mentioned that she has been getting better and better, although NIgel said that she looks too much like a pageant winner. I can kind of see where they get that. When I saw the models in person, Brooke was the least model-y and very much like an actress.

I am pretty sure that these two were picked because they were the opposites. Tyra loves being able to say that one model has what the other needs and vise versa, because it makes for a much more dramatic elimination. With Brooke and Eugena, one had the personality and one has no personality. But was one here only because of her personality, etc., etc., etc. I am sorry to be such a bitch, but I am upset because the judges decided to SEND BROOKE HOME!

To me, it was a horrible decision, but again, I should have seen this coming. When Tyra pulled Eugena's name, they said the judges want to see humility. Therefore, the elimination only existed because Tyra wanted to teach the girls and the audience a lesson. Absolutely stupid if you ask me. Was Brooke the best this week? No, but she is getting better and has a personality. If she had a bad personality, it probably would have helped her because the judges would have had something to fix. You know, I wish they would just tell us at the top of the show when the elimination is going to be about pictures or about attitude so I can prepare myself. Bleccccchh.

When she left, Brooke started crying and said "It's my friggin high school graduation", as in "How could you do this to me when I missed my graduation." I thought it was a very honest way for somebody who is still growing up and missed some of what was supposed to be the happiest moments in her life to react, but as she left, Tyra said that a lot of girls would like to switch places with Brooke. I don't know if I am pissed off in general this week, but I thought that was something dumb for Tyra to say. Give her time and she'll realize it. Just because you want to make yourself feel less guilty doesn't mean you should open your mouth. Double bleccccchh!

So obviously I thought the wrong girl went home. What did you think of this episode? Did Brooke deserve to go? Why were the judges in such a bad mood? Who had your favorite pictures from this week?

Posted by J-Unit at 7:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (45)

Vas o No Vas, Telemundo, 10/22/06

Ever want to watch Deal or No Deal, but can't bear to listen to the inane Howie Mandel patter? Fear not! Telemundo has your remedy! The Spanish-speaking network has its very own version of the hit game show, titled Vas O No Vas, and while the big jackpot only goes up to $250,000 and the set is decidedly shabby (if not sparkly), the glorious middle-school level dancing more than makes up for these detractions. With that in mind, enjoy the opening dance number (complete with catchy lyrics) for Vas o No Vas...

Posted by B-Side at 6:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Superstar!

In case you haven't been paying attention to your viral videos today, this early '80s clip comes courtesy of a young Master thespian hoping to land a role in the then next Stanley Kubrick epic, Full Metal Jacket. No word on where his acting career is nowadays, but we're thinking he'll soon find a plumb role on Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip. Oh, and by the way. This might be one of my favorite viral videos EVER. [Via Defamer and BWE].

Posted by B-Side at 6:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

Last week, CT labeled himself a meatball for falling off a rickety bridge during The Duel. Turns out this meatball also is a heavy sleeper and a wicked flashah. To see two dumb clips of him doing dumb things and/or having dumb things done to him, click here (wicked deep sleep, yo) and here (flashing his wicked penis, yo). Don't get too excited. It's all very work safe.

Posted by B-Side at 5:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Nicole Richie, our favorite celebutante waif, is finally listening to all the people who say she's too skinny. The star of The Simple Life is checking herself into a clinic for "testing and observation" to find out why she's not gaining any weight, despite all the healthy full meals and ice cream she's been eating lately (her people insist she doesn't have an eating disorder).

Nicole's stay could mean a delay in the shooting of the fifth installment of Simple Life, which is set to begin taping in the next couple of weeks. This batch of shows reunites Nicole with Paris Hilton, working as camp counselors. We don't think it'll be a "fat camp." That would be too cruel.

The last time we saw Nicole and Paris on The Simple Life, they appeared in separate segments, refusing to appear together because of their now-infamous feud.

We all have David Letterman to thank (?) for the reconciliation and reunion.

--Tabloid Baby

Posted by Tabloid Baby at 2:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Tuesday night, I wasn't able to watch Dancing with the Stars because I was at the Really Awards (which I've gushed about to pretty much everyone). When I was there, however, I did corner Carrie Ann INABA and tell her that two weeks ago, when Emmitt Smith performed the samba, she should have given him a ten. Not to fear, she told me. "I gave him two tens tonight!" she excitedly revealed. What she didn't say was that the tens were flying out faster than Bruno Tonioli could put together an awkward analogy. On a week where everyone needed to learn two dances -- one traditional ballroom, one fierce Latin -- all the dancers, even Jerry, rose to the occasion. It was dance madness for sure, but would anyone be able to capture the ever elusive perfect score?

Answer after the jump...

Jerry & Kym

Kicking off Tuesday's show were Jerry and Kym, who needed to train extra hard to make up for last week's overly jokey paso doble disaster. Jerry explained that his daughter had called him up and had essentially said, "Bring no further shame to the family name!" He was therefore inspired to get back on the parquet and prove to America that he was taking this competition seriously. For their first dance, Jerry and Kym performed the Foxtrot, and amazingly, it was pretty good! I mean, it wasn't excellent (it was Jerry after all), but considering his physical limitations, not to mention his rhythmic ones as well, it was an impressive performance.

Afterwards, the two lined up before the judges, and as is always the case, we cut to the plucky house band where one of the singers was amusingly dressed up in some sort of hybrid garb from India and Tatouine.

Pssst... Roneesha, Halloween is next Tueday.

Nevertheless, the judges praised Jerry's comeback, ultimately awarding him eights across the board. Combined with last week's dreadful score, that made his running total 42 out of 60 (as you may remember, in the wake of Sara Evans' departure, no one was eliminated last week. Instead, their scores were simply added to this week's leaderboard).

Monique & Louis

After last week's krump-tastrophe, Monique knew she had to reel it in this time around. Unfortunately, she simply could not focus on dancing. Poor Louis Van Amstel! What would he do with his struggling ingenue??? Luckily, fellow High School Musical star Ashley Tisdale showed up TOTALLY spontaneously and declared that they were gonna go shop 'til they dropped! This led to a hokey segment as we watched the girls prance around Lisa Kline while Louis pretended to be the exasperated father-figure, holding the bags with a sitcom look of disapproval on his face. Of course, once the cameras went off, I'm sure he giddily joined the girls on their shopping spree -- or at least, he would have, if he didn't so obviously HATE Monique. No woman can replace his dearest Lisa Rinna!

Oh Louis, you're such a ham!

Anyway, Louis and Monique performed the quickstep first, and although I didn't notice it at first, Carrie Ann Inaba inspired me to employ my Tivo technology to go back and see that Monique spent half the dance with her heel stuck in her dress. Pretty impressive considering that Monique seemed to do such a good job. At first, I thought she was a little boring, but then she and Louis seemed to really attack on all cylinders -- dress mishap be damned. The judges were totally blown away, with Len Goodman gettin' all rhyme-y and such: "It was light. It was bright. It was dynamite!" He then added, "It was tight. It was right. It reminded me of graphite. It was unlike a neophyte. It made me thirsty for Sprite. It was not performed out of spite. My favorite color is white. Some movies I find to be trite. Let's get into a fight. I better catch my flight. It leaves tonight. I better check the website. Where's my kite? Oh look, a dust mite!" It continued like this for twenty minutes.

Ultimately, Monique pulled in nines across the board (Carrie Ann said she would have given a ten if there hadn't been one little stumble). With the added 27 points, Monique's total rose to an impressive 50 out of 60. Enough to remain the only woman in the competition?

Emmitt & Cheryl

Shockingly, this week's video footage of Emmitt and Cheryl did not revolve around a trip back to Dallas. Instead, it focused on... well... I don't remember. It wasn't particularly interesting. Oh yeah, they went to a spa. And after that, Emmitt just talked about how he was trained to deal with stress and big events or something like that. Nevertheless, his big anxiety was performing the foxtrot. As we all know, Emmitt goes totally nuts during the fast, Latin dances, but when it comes to slowing down and being graceful, it's a little problematic for him.

Emmitt had nothing to worry about. He had a great waltz that was elegant and graceful and lovely. Wow, sometimes I can't believe what I write. Okay, pretend I didn't just emasculate myself by writing "lovely." Nevertheless, the judges adored the performance, and Len echoed my sentiments, albeit in a funnier, more British way. He called it "lovely jubbly," whatever that means. Bruno, on the other hand, just started saying random phrases. "On the crest of a wave," he dramatically said, later adding, "The lord of the manner!" I half expected him to then comment, "A bouillabaisse of rich textures! Linens bathed in starlight! Velvet waterfalls in a gumdrop jungle!"

Odd phrases aside, the judges were positively smitten, with Carrie Ann doling out the first of many tens that night. Len and Bruno were a bit more stingy, giving only nines, but with twenty-eight points, Emmitt bolted into first place with 53 out of 60.

Mario & Karina

Guess what? Mario was super stressed about having to learn two dances; so what did he do? He visited his family! Who would have thunk it? In a blatant effort to pander to women, Mario cradled his newborn niece in his arms, showing the softer side of this playah. Somewhere, Eva Longoria's heart was aflutter.

For their dance, Mario and Karina (donning a blonde wig) performed the foxtrot, and no surprise here: it was awesome. As usual, they received universal praise; although, Len did have one bone to pick. He noted gravely that he had never seen a foxtrot with not one heel lead! "America sits in stunned silence," replied Tom Bergeron, making me laugh out loud -- much to my chagrin. Damn that Bergeron and his snappy comebacks!

Well, heel lead be damned! Mario earned a near perfect score with two tens and a nine (Len was the sour sport, as you can imagine). This caused Mario to go absolutely nuts as he gushed like crazy about how excellent this was and blah blah blah. SILENCE, dimple-face! With the added twenty-nine points, Mario's two-week score ascended to 57 out of 60. Near perfecto!

Joey & Edyta

This week, Joey had to dance the foxtrot to "Singing In The Rain," and what better way to get inspired than to visit the studio lot where the famous song was filmed? He and Edyta chuckled their way through the Sony lot, practicing their dance moves and honing their inner Gene Kelly. At one point, Joey made some joke about how happy he was that it wasn't raining -- which could only mean one thing: silly hi-jinx were to ensue! Sure enough, Edyta busted out a random hose (because those are always just lying around on studio lots) and sprayed poor hydrophobe Joey. She then screamed, "That's right! SING IN THE RAIN, BITCH!"

Anyway, all this inspiration on the studio lot was worth it because the two performed a fun little Foxtrot, complete with umbrella and all (didn't he know it was bad luck to open an umbrella indoors???). The judges again loved the dance, but Len was still bitter about the lack of heel leads. The man just wants a heel lead, people! Nothing too big: just something light, bright, and DYN-O-MITE!!!

Afterwards, in Samantha Harris's lair of stammers and slurs (which were going at full force this week), Joey babbled on and on about how Dancing with the Stars is such a wonderful show and how great it is to be part of it and blah blah blah. Looks like somebody drank the ABC Kool-Aid. His reverence was rewarded handsomely: the judges gave him two tens and a nine (again, Len still bitter about those heel leads). With this near perfect score (which brought his total up to 53 out of 60), Joey's bobblehead went into full power, nodding and rocking at speeds so great, I thought it might unhinge itself and roll out of the room.

Jerry & Kym: The Sequel

Returning to the stage for a second time were Jerry and Kym, who just wanted to pull off the perfect mambo. Since we already saw their training footage earlier in the show, we simply cut to the chase (thank God) and watched the two dance their booties off. It wasn't particularly great -- I wouldn't call Jerry a paradigm of hip-shaking -- but it was pleasant. Kind of. Carrie Ann applauded Jerry but said that he just wasn't on the same playing field as everyone else. Len tried to defend him a bit ("It was nice. Concise. Like Condoleeza Rice."), but Bruno sided with Carrie Ann. Final scores: 7, 8, and 7. These twenty two points brought the total score to 64 out of 90, causing Jerry to happily comment, "My age!" Later, Tom Bergeron deadpanned, "I don't think Jerry looks ninety." I'm embarrassed to say that I laughed out loud again. Bergeron -- you're en fuego!

Monique & Louis Van Amstel Lite: Reloaded

With Rachel Ray observing in the audience (and shockingly un-hyper), Monique and Louis performed the paso doble to none other than Duran Duran's "The Reflex." Kind of an odd choice, but it worked, weirdly enough. It certainly was better than when poor Vivica A. Fox had to paso doble to Bon Jovi. Anyway, these two were solid once again; although, we've seen so many great paso dobles in the past that it's hard to live up to such high standards. The judges gave them nines across the board, raising their total to 77 out of 90. Buy time don't lose it, Monique!

Emmitt & Cheryl: The Two Towers

Emmitt Smith + Mambo? Sounds like a recipe for success. Sure enough, he was out of control, shimmying like he's never shimmied before. These two were undulating machines, and they had the crowd going nuts. They were truly excellent, and afterwards, Len said it was the best dance of the entire season! Could this be it? Could this be the first perfect score of the year???

Carrie Ann INABA: ten! (Crowd cheers)

Len Goodman: TEN! (Crowd going nuts)

And now it was down to Bruno. He's pretty liberal with the tens, so would he give it up for the man???

Bruno Tonioli: nine. (BOOOO!!!) So close. So close. Everyone thought they'd get the perfect score. Who would have thought that Bruno would be the spoilsport? Still, twenty-nine points is nothing to balk at, and the score raised Emmitt's total to 82 out of 90. Could he maintain control over first place?

Mario & Karina: Part Deux

I don't know when the jive became a Latin dance, but apparently, it is. Mario came on stage dressed kind of like Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future. I was really hoping he'd be jiving to "Johnny Be Good," but instead, it was "Shake a Tailfeather" (by Ray Charles, not Nelly). As usual, Mario was great, but the judges nailed him on some minor quibbles. They all said his arm tended to flop around, with Len saying it dangled like "a bit of cotton hanging from a nickel egg." I'm not sure what that means, but I liked it!

Ultimately, Mario earned nines from everyone, bringing his total to 84 out of 90 -- just two points ahead of Emmitt. Victory shall be his!

Joey & Edyta: Tokyo Drift

With his head finally no longer bobbling, Joey took the stage with his partner to perform not just a mambo, but "Mambo #5"! That's right, the Lou Bega classic at last reared its ugly yet catchy head on Dancing with the Stars. Considering how excited I was for someone to dance to this silly song, I was slightly let down by Joey and Edyta. I mean, they were very good, but I didn't absolutely love them. I guess it's hard to follow Emmitt.

Ultimately, the judges praised him for letting loose and coming out of his shell (and yes, the bobblehead immediately returned). Carrie Ann and Len both gave him nines, but then randomly, Bruno slapped him with a ten. What the? You give a ten to this but not Emmitt? Lame.

Not that there's anything wrong with it...

THE RESULTS!

As usual, I pretty much watched the results show in fast forward. I stopped occasionally when I thought I saw something interesting, but more often than not, I was highly disappointed. Martina McBride showed up to be annoying and boring (sorry, ballroom dancing does not match her style). And at one point, the dancers went a little nuts to Michael Jackson's classic, "Billy Jean." Ultimately, however, it was time for eliminations. The three remaining teams were Joey, Monique, and Jerry. I anticipated some crazy upset where Jerry would be cleared to go to next week, leaving Joey and Monique to battle it out, but no, it was Joey who was saved from the bottom two. At that point, I then readjusted my prediction, saying that Monique would be going home in an upset. However, I was wrong again. At long last, Jerry was put out of his misery. He delivered a heartfelt goodbye to everyone, getting choked up in the process. At one point, he co-opted Samantha Harris's microphone and assumed the role of Jerry the talkshow host. He started to make a speech about everyone on the show, and for whatever reason, I was totally enthralled. That's why I was so pissed that Tom Bergeron interrupted to ask him inane questions about Kym (who Jerry essentially likened to the second daughter he never had). I'm as big a fan of The Berge as anyone, but he should have stayed quiet and let Jerry have his Final Thought, as it were.

What did you think about this week? Happy with the results? Who was the best dancer? The worst? Who's going home next?

Posted by B-Side at 1:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Country singer Sara Evans' sensational divorce, which blew up all over Dancing with The Stars and promised to get even wilder, now seems ready to fade away with a whimper.

Sara dropped out of the Dancing competition (and gave Jerry Springer a reprieve) and filed for a divorce two weeks ago, charging sensationally that Craig was an abusive, alcoholic, porn-loving adulterer. He responded that Sara watched and made porn with him and filed for divorce a day after he discovered her "intimate relationship" with another man.

But when they showed up in court in Tennessee today, neither said a word, as they acted all friendly and made a deal, agreeing to divide the $274,000 Craig had removed from a joint account after Sara filed for divorce (her attorney didn't object, but suggested that Craig the failed Congressional candidate "ought to get a job"). The couple also agreed that Craig would look for his own house, try to work out a schedule for him to visit with their three children, attend counseling and, sadly, not to talk to the news media.

There goes the reality show.

--Tabloid Baby

Posted by Tabloid Baby at 1:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

TVgasm visited the American Idol auditions in Pasadena back in August. For some reason, we have yet to compile any of that footage into something interesting, but as long as the TVgasm housekeeping staff doesn't throw it away, expect something from that later. This post has nothing to do with that, however. We know how much the idols like to belt out songs when they are on stage, but have you ever noticed that sometimes their faces have a look that puts a whole different meaning to the words "solo act". We would compile a comparison list ourselves, but don't want to be "forced" to watch porn. Luckily for us, Details magazine has done the work already, and put it into a very handy Quiz Form. So, how well do you know an Idol Face from an O-Face? Well, take the quiz(mostly SFW) and find out. Do you have any Idols you think were left off the list?

Posted by J-Unit at 12:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

The revolution will not be televised, well not exclusively.

The revolution will have a limited run on a cable network then if the ratings are high enough it will have a second window on the network sister station of said cable network. Then the revolution which was televised will be now be available on iTunes for $1.99, but now that iTunes and iPods code has been cracked the revolution will find its way on YouTube which you'll learn about when Tila Tequila sends out a Myspace bulletin linking to it from her page. Of course the networks will have the revolution taken down from Youtube and put a two minute replay of it on their own website filled with Ford ads, cause lets face it, what's a revolution without a solid advertisement for a nice American made car. Eventually, the full revolution which was once televised, then sold, then stolen, then re-owned scaled to 120 seconds filled with ads, will eventually find its way to a full length webovision.

What the hell am I talking about? It's happening. Not only does primetime no longer start at 8/7central and end at 11/10 central, but its doesn't have to be confined to the tiny little box of yesteryear that only takes up 72" flat panel inches of your wall. Now you can watch it on the sexy and magestic 13" you stare at while the boss is in a meeting.

Find my network reviews and rankings of the best and worst places to watch TV online, after the jump.

#6) - Don't even bother. They haven't yet gotten around to figuring out what people want to see. The CW video page is filled with commercials for their shows and "previously on" clips from the top of new episodes. If you take the time to visit specific shows pages, you may find a minute or two of a new episode, but no complete shows and nothing really of interest unless the rest of the internet simultaneously crashes and you are left with working on your TPS report, or watching exclusive interviews with the cast of ALL OF US. Even then, seriously, those TPS reports need to get done. Not worth visiting, and hardly worth mentioning, but it is one of the networks so I felt compelled.

#5) - For free online television viewing, NBC has a long ways to go. Finding a video you want to see on their site isn't terribly easy. Once you think you have found the video you want, your stuck watching the 2 minute replay, which someone at NBC new media has people convinced is something viewers would actually want to watch. The 2 minute replays are a total waste and serve no point. For an hour long drama, it doesn't tell enough of what happens to be worth watching when you can get it all in 30 seconds on the "previously on" section when the show airs the following week, and who needs a 2 minutes replay of 20 Good Years? The 30 minute "play" is bad enough, a 2 minute replay is like reopening a paper cut just because. Obviously NBC is trying to point people to iTunes and pay the $1.99 to watch a show. I swore I would never pay for free TV, until I missed a few episodes of The Office and had jury duty this week and figured 6 bucks and my video ipod will save me a aboiut 66 minutes of boredom. It was incredibly easy to download from iTunes, very easy to watch.....but not sure why I want to pay money for an NBC show when the other networks will give it for free. Portability? NBC has much to learn.

#4) - While not one of the top four, MTV.com is worth mentioning because they are soooo close to doing cool things. They recently redesigned their page so the OVERDRIVE stuff (their made for internet online programming) immediately pops up and you no longer need to dig through tons of pages to find it. Unfortunately, MTV.com is so riddled with Ads and too much stuff on their main page even running a brand new computer (both my macbook and my new PC) the page stalls, stutters and takes forever to load. Then once everything does load, there are pop ups banner ads, talking ads, its like times square only not fun. I remember last season they had full episodes of The Real World online, I can't find those anymore. All I could find with 5 or so minutes of searching were the Aftershows hosted by Blair and a few other silly made for internet shows. I'd watch them if they weren't so ad filled. Suggestion to MTV, put less on the main page configure an easily navigatable video page and ease up on the ads, seriously. I get you need to sell ad space, but maybe you can sell ads that don't talk or sing while I'm trying to watch your original online programming. You're sooooo close to having a cool site, just chillax with the ads a little. You're MTV not QVC.

#3)- Finally we are getting to completely watchable television online. CBS launched its Innertube a while ago, and at the time it posted mostly failed pilots and craptacular made for internet shows. The navigation was awkward and froze an awful lot. Now about a year-ish later and Innertube has come along way and now is one of three online networks that are watchable. Once you find your way to the main Innertube page, you may have to click through a few pages to find the show you want but once you do, all the hard stuff is done. The show features an ad at the top and a nice quick load. throughout the show, they do take commercial breaks that you can't skip through, but they average about 15 seconds which I consider completely fair for the online video on demand service. One fairly large complaint to innertube...I'm using Firefox rather than Safari or Explorer to view Innertube and the window controls don't work properly. I can't pause, fast forward or rewind so when the boss comes around I either miss a few minutes of the show or have to start all over. Also, I can't jump to full screen so I'm stuck with 1/5 screen size which while watchable, isn't nearly as good as full. That aside, Innertube does provide a very quick load. Also, here's a tip, be sure to look for the Innertube logo and click on that to jump to the shows you want to see otherwise you may get stuck watching the terrible original content cbs is putting on while they try to figure out what to do with online programming.

#2) - abc online viewing comes oh so close to perfection, particularly considering the relatively newness of the complete-show-available-online-service thingy. The very top of the main abc.com page clearly marks "watch last nights episode online now." Brilliant! Unlike other places such as MTV or even CBS which requires a little digging to find it, ABC is one click away from the video section. It's also super easy to navigate and find what you're looking for. When I clicked on THE NINE on the main page, it took me to some page with their 7 one hour drama's they offer clearly labeled by name and photo. abc.com has a relatively easy to navigate scroll menu. Simply, click on the show you want, sit through a 5 second ad for Verizon and then watch a nice 16:9 scale viewing of your fav show. It takes up about 1/8 screen. Easy to fast forward and rewind using a flash scroll bar. This episode of The Nine has 3 commercial interruptions of about 15 seconds each (though they take a little long to load into and out of) and you are prompted to "Click to continue" so if you walk away during the lame ad, you control when you return to the program and don't miss anything. Nice little feature. Once you sit through a commercial once, if you scroll back to a part before the commercial, when the commercial break SHOULD come it doesn't. My advice is fast forward to the commercials right away, watch them all right off the bat, then go back to the beginning and enjoy the show commercial free. They get eyeballs on their ads, and you get to watch the show you like with out a commercial interruption. It's a fair trade. Also, you can blow up the size of viewing to about 1/3 the screen size with total ease, good resolution, no sticking or pausing.

#1) - Fox uses Myspace to host their video and just edges out abc for the top spot for online viewing. To find the show I wanted to get caught up with this week, I just went to myspace.com and kept hitting refresh until the little ad came up that read "JUSTICE : catch the all new series online now." I clicked on that BAM I'm watching Justice. Better yet, I'm watching it nearly commercial free. One 20 - 30 second ad at the top of the show, then nothing for the rest of the clear crisp viewing. The size was about 1/9 screen which was such that the Myspace ads were on the page through out the screening but by clicking the "screen size" button, it quickly jumped to about ½ the screen incredible resolution, no ads sans one tiny Burger King logo atop the screen which I didn't even notice until I went back to look at it again for the sake of this article and no lagging (unless someone sends me an AIM then it does freeze up a little bit) Note to self: turn off AIM while watching TV...you don't want interruptions during the intimacy of TV watching anyway.

So there it is. 2006 best and worst places for online TV viewing. I'm hoping by this time 2007 it'll all be a wash and each major network and hopefully some cable ones will all have free, limited commercials, quick loads, large picture, great resolution internet television video on demand. Here's to hoping.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 11:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

NBC may be having second thoughts about saving money by turning over the 8 pm timeslot to cheap reality TV and game shows and the likes of Howie Mandel and Bob Saget. Starting November 30, they're looking to recreate their less-tarnished past, turning Thursday nights into a two-hour primetime comedy block, as Scrubs returns and the struggling 30 Rock is added to follow My Name Is Earl and The Office

But the real news is between the lines.

There's no mention of 20 Good Years (aka 30 Bad Minutes, poor Jeffrey Tambor), which gets bumped on November 22 and apparently is never coming back. That was one of those show that looked like a loser from the very first "very special" extended promos they ran in the summer. (They were running the first episode on airlines before the broadcast premiere, and people were trying to get out of the plane).

--Tabloid Baby

Posted by Tabloid Baby at 7:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who started out as a Survivor: The Australian Outback cutie and wound up as the dim conservative prig and now Rosie O'Donnell's whipping girl on The View, got herself in the news this week by going after Law & Order: SVU because the show named a raped and murdered character "Elizabeth Hassenback."

Little Lizzie said the stunt was "socially irresponsible and gruesomely suggestive, "disrespected" her and put her "at risk," and called SVU executive producer Neal Baer to complain. She said that before Baer hung up on her, he claimed that any similarity between Elizabeth Hassenback and Elisabeth Hasselbeck was purely a coincidence.

Coincidence?

Our source at Law & Order: SVU says there's no way it's a coincidence.

"That's like having a character named 'President Bushed.' They definitely knew what they were doing," he or she told Tabloid Baby last night. "Law & Order is scrupulous about making sure they don't use anyone's name as a character-- especially not someone who's famous. Whenever we use a name on the show, we have people who check. If there are even five people in New York with the same name, they don't use the name. To use a celebrity's name like that? It's a joke."

So why would they do it? "Dick Wolf is the 'law & order' guy around here. But Neil Baer and all his writers are liberals. She's a conservative. Why not have her raped and murdered? Real funny.

"Neal Baer hates unscripted television, and he probably doesn't like the woman because she became a star on Survivor. He's also a liberal medical doctor and I bet she's against stem cell research. "

Well, it went on from there.

Most people we spoke to think Lizzie has a point. But leave it to a right wing crackpot to blow the sympathy vote. We're more concerned that Elizabeth threatened to retaliate in the most chilling manner, telling Baer she wouldn't allow SVU actors on The View (leading him to say "Goodbye, lady," and hang up), and then threatening a Law & Order boycott on the air.

Her producers ought to throw her off the show for saying that.

What do you think?

--Tabloid Baby

Posted by Tabloid Baby at 7:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (18)

OMG OMG OMG!!!! Did you even see what Alex said about Rocky on Laguna Beach? He was like totally creeping on Lexie after the bonfire and was all like "Hey, why don't you and Rachel come to Chase's concert with me?" but then like Nick W. asked Rocky to go to the same concert, and Rocky was like "Eh" but then she was like "Okay, I guess," and Alex showed up and was like totally all about the silent treatment and then Rocky like said something to Nick W. and Alex was like "What a slut!" and Stephen was like "She's desperate," and Tessa was like "OMG. Derek never says anything," and Derek was like "Yeah" and Rocky was like "I'm hyperventilating!" and Breanna was like "I still exist!" It was so crazy! I'm so telling Kyndra about this tomorrow at Heidelberg!

This week's controversial episode of Laguna touched on some of the elements that have made this franchise so endearing: the silent, idiotic boyfriend, the ample use of sidekicks, and of course, the hypocritical hurling of the word "slut." Granted, it still couldn't hold a candle to when Stephen yelled "SLUT!!!" at Kristin two years ago, but considering how dreary most of this season has been, this episode did inject a little life into the show.

As the episode opened, Tessa recapped what happened last week: "The bonfire was a complete disaster!" No shit, Sherlock. Everyone had a miserable time. To be fair, it wasn't a complete disaster. I think for that sort of classification, there would have be some sort of accidental forest fire attached. Nevertheless, Tessa reminded us that "Alex TOTALLY broke up with Rocky!" Not kind of broke up. TOTALLY BROKE UP. Like OMG!

Once all the vital info had been parsed out for us, we then retreated to the Cactus Kingdom known as Raquel's house. She and Tessa sat out on the porch and talked about Alex and all that crap. Rocky was sad that the relationship was over, but at least now, there was closure and she could move on. But who would she move on to? Conveniently, Rocky revealed, "Nick asked me out on a date last week." This elicited a disparaging giggle from Tessa and rolled eyes from Rocky. Aw man. Sidekicks get no respect! Poor Nick W.! He should totally go after Roz if she comes back to town. Personally, I found it amusing that immediately, one of Cameron's boyz was going after Raquel. It must have totally pissed off Kyndra and Cami, the so-called masters of said boyz. Suck it up, bitches!

Anyway, Raquel relayed how Nick wanted to take Rocky out on Tuesday. Or Friday. Tuesday and Friday. Basically, he just wanted to take her out as soon as he could. Why he limited himself to those two days was a bit bizarre, but I guess Thursdays were all booked, what with Nick's undying need to watch Shark.

But enough about Rocky's love life. How about Tessa's? As you may remember, she was supposedly dating this guy Derek, but when Rocky asked how everything was, Tessa replied, "I don't know. Derek said hi to me, but he didn't like talk to me." Um, that's usually a bad sign. Usually, if your "boyfriend" doesn't acknowledge your presence, it usually means things aren't so hot. Luckily, Tessa sensed that all was not well in the world of Tessarek, and she expressed frustration that everything seemed to be going past her, and yet she was sitting around, waiting on her ass for Derek. She just didn't know what to do! (Besides renting Melinda & Melinda with Rocky's parents.)

Ultimately, Rocky asked, "Do you find this ironic that we both have literally the exact same issue?" Ummm... no. And you don't have the same issue. She has a boyfriend. You don't. STOP BANDYING ABOUT IRONY LIKE IT'S JUST ANOTHER BLUEBERRY TRACK SUIT!

Anyway, after the opening credits, we found Rocky's erstwhile boyfriend Alex shooting golfballs with his newest sidekick, the ever goofy Stephen. Whereas most Laguna buddies tend to be the Tubbs to someone else's Crockett, Stephen was more of the Igor to Alex's Dr. Frankenstein. He eagerly asked his master for all the juicy details of the breakup (even though he was there at the bonfire too). "Did Rocky cry?" he probed excitedly, a hearty Butthead chuckle in his voice.

"She got watery in the eyes," Alex said, clearly not used to the more apt term, "teary-eyed." I wonder if when he sees people crying, he comments, "They've got water leaking out of their head!"

The two guys then talked about their post-Raquel plans and (hopeful) conquests: Lexie and Rachel. Alex revealed that he was working on Lexie (they both have x's in their names. It's a love connection), causing Stephen to enthusiastically gush, "I KNOW! I saw you!" Relax, dude. All Alex did was ask for Lexie's number. Nevertheless, I'm pretty sure Stephen probably spent the bulk of his childhood wearing a protective helmet.

Anyway, Alex then mentioned that he wanted to invite Lexie and Rachel to Chase's upcoming concert. Wait a second. Alex didn't even go to Laguna High. Why was he inviting Lexie and Rachel to the concert when he wasn't even friends with Chase in the first place. What a poacher!

We then cut to THE LEXIE and her loyal sidekick Rachel as they performed their favorite activity: eating lunch al fresco. I had to admit, normally, I call Rachel "Bernice," but honestly, she wasn't looking very Bernice-y today. Her tan seemed to have faded, and there wasn't a hint of leopard skin on her clothes. Therefore, I regrettably must downgrade her to her real name: Rachel, which is apt enough. Hopefully, we can return to Bernice status soon enough.

Anyway, as the two girls dined, suddenly Rachel's cell phone rang, causing her to remark, "I really need to change this ring tone!" Yes, please do! That simple ringer was entirely too annoying. Be sure to change it to something that won't bother anyone at all -- like a John Mayer ringtone. Or Maroon 5. Or maybe even Danity Kane!

Well, on the phone was none other than Alex, calling from the golf range. As shocked as Rachel was to hear from him, it was nothing compared to The Lexie. That's right, THE LEXIE COULD NOT BELIEVE ALEX WAS CALLING. She had not summoned his presence, whether it be in person or over the phone. This lack of genuflection would surely be noted!

"Alexander is calling? Heavens!"

Anyway, Alex -- with his neck all red and blotchy -- invited the girls to Chase's concert, but while Rachel acted like she was down for it, she changed her tune as soon as she hung up. "There's something weird about him, huh?" she asked, possibly referencing his James Franco appearance and/or his curiously blotchy neck. The Lexie agreed with Rachel, noting how dismayed she was about his "creeping" and about how he had asked for everyone's number directly after his breakup. "I'm sure he's going to creep on some other girl!" she predicted. NOBODY CREEPS ON THE LEXIE!

Rachel's true talent: making her lips disappear!

Meanwhile, back at the driving range, Alex and Stephen thought they had scored a major victory, causing them to chuckle proudly. The two upgraded to full-fledge guffaw after Alex managed to accidentally hurl his golf club after his swing. Didn't that happen on The Hills too? Do the men of Laguna Beach not understand the basic concept of golf gloves? Or better yet, the basic concept of not letting go of things that you're swinging?

Alex had a simple response to his mishap: "I'm all sweaty." I'm surprised Stephen didn't snort back, "Excellent, my master! Let me fetch you your club and then towel you down! Afterwards, we can dine on herring!"

Elsewhere in town, Derek and Cameron and Nick W. were cavorting on the beach, playing some alterna-version of bocci that didn't quite involve too much rolling, on account of all the sand. As usual, Nick W. was the worst player (he's terrible at sports, we've discovered), and when everyone began bashing his latest throw, he defended himself by saying, "Dude, it's mellow!" You know what else is "mellow"? You're terrible athletic skills. Never touch a ball again!

As rousing as this game was, the guys couldn't help but get distracted with talk of girls. Cam was particularly interested in Derek's relationship with Tessa. "She's a Stage Five clinger!" Cameron said, thus revealing to the world that clinging could actually be judged on a hurricane scale (or he was merely quoting The Wedding Crashers). In typical sidekick fashion, Nick tried to improve the joke by saying, "Stage Five cling-on!" No, Nick. No. This is Cameron's joke. Sidekicks are not allowed to touch Master jokes. Know your role.

Meanwhile, over at Zinc Café, Tessa and Rocky were enjoying lunch, and guess what they were talking about? Boyfriends! Tessa explained that she was still waiting to find out what the deal was with Derek. Spoken like a true Stage Five Clinger -- always wants to "speak" to her boyfriend that "doesn't speak to her." So clingy.

Chase then dropped by the table, unfortunately arriving amidst a spilling crisis by Rocky (she was spilling all over herself, as she mentioned several times). The bearded wannabe musician was all good cheer and happiness, asking Tessa, "How was your day?" before he then opened it up to the entire table (ie. Rocky) and asked, "How was everyone's day?" It was great, Chase! Thanks for asking!

Stage Five Clinger incoming!!!!

Rocky then said, "We both have boyfriend issues. It's very sad." To which Chase said, "So do I. But I probably won't be talking about them until my sophomore year of college." Oh, I keed! He didn't say that. Instead, Tessa took the time to babble on about the Derek situation, saying, "I just can't imagine spending a whole bonfire next to him and not talking to him!" A WHOLE BONFIRE! That's like an eternity! Luckily, relationship expert Chase was on the case (rhyme intended!)

"No offense, he's not going to pay attention to, like, his girl," Chase said of Derek. "That's how, like, a lot of people are." Yes. A lot of people are like that. Especially douchebags.

Chase then asked how long all this had been going on, and Tessa answered that it had started... yesterday. Okay, I didn't realize Tessa's issues had been less than twenty-four hours old. All this drama was a bit over-the-top. I had to mildly agree with Chase, who encouraged Tessa to just chill out a little bit. According to him, there was a three day rule. If Derek's behavior lasted longer than three days, then she'd know there was a problem. Okay, but what if Derek doesn't talk to Tessa tomorrow night at the concert? What then? According to Chase, that was okay because it fell within the Three Day rule. I say we implement a Three Day rule with Chase's music. If we don't like it after three days, he never plays it again. And consider those days retroactive to the beginning of the season.

Honestly, just writing about Chase and Tessa puts me to sleep. I literally dozed off at my computer just now.

Speaking of Chase, after the commercial break, he and his bandmates were all standing outside, loading equipment into an SUV. Suddenly, a vehicle approached, and Chase stated, "I smell Nick Walker!" Sure enough, driving that care was none other than Nick W.. Pretty impressive that Chase could smell him from that far away. Then again, I heard Nick hadn't showed since that intense round of Beach Bocci. Anyway, the guys all pressed Nick about his intentions for Rocky, asking if he was gonna "move on in there." Oh, he was gonna move on in there! Unless, of course, Rocky challenged him to a rousing game of miniature golf. His total lack of athletic abilities would surely leave him shamed and emasculated.

Later that night, we found Rocky and Tessa all dressed up with nowhere to go. They were sitting around Rocky's house, waiting for... well... we weren't sure who. I assumed Nick, but since no one ever said anything, I was kind of confused at first. Nevertheless, the two girls passed the time by what else? Talking about boys! Specifically: Alex.

"I'm not going to talk to Alex, by the way," Tessa revealed. Her silent treatment would surely haunt his every thought! (Especially seeing how much Tessa normally speaks to Alex.)

Rocky then asked Tessa why she was gonna give Alex the cold shoulder, and she replied, "Because I don't like him right now." She then added, "Plus, I really don't talk much in social environments anyway. Unless, of course, it involves your parents and a DVD of Amadeus."

Anyway, Nick W. soon arrived to take the girls to Chase's concert. While they were decked out in nice clothing, Nick looked like a scrub in his stupid t-shirt. Then again, they were only going to a concert. He probably was more aptly dressed than they were. Nevertheless, he quickly observed, "I don't know if that's, like, quite concert, like, attire. You're, like, look like you're ready, like, to go to, like, a debutante ball or something." I, like, don't know, like, what sort of, like, skanky, like, debutante, like, balls Nick W. has been going to, but I'm pretty sure most debutantes wear dressed that extend beyond their knees. By the way, way to make fun of your date's fashion choices. Girls love that!

Well, the gang headed over to a local venue which was pretty much as close to The OC's Bait Shop as you could get. Tessa stood alone, natch, and when Derek ambled into the club, he unsurprisingly seemed pained to talk to his near-silent girlfriend.

"When does Kelan's band go on?" Derek asked. Kelen's band??? I believe it's called OPEN AIR STEREO, neophyte!

Nevertheless, Tessa responded with, "I know! I'm waiting. Waiting, waiting." What crackling dialogue! I'm not sure Derek's been giving her the silent treatment as much as she's simply just a terrible conversationalist.

"So... have you ever been to a box store?"

As Chase took the stage, Rocky stood outside with her friend Ben, who asked her what the deal was with her and Nick W. Raquel explained that she was just playing -- dating a little bit on account of her being single. With perfect timing, Alex and Igor, I mean, Stephen just happened to show up at the club, but even though they stood on line directly behind Rocky, they completely ignored her, not even saying a civilized hello. OUCH!

However, that wasn't the biggest bombshell of the night. No, the big news was that inside the club, BREANNA HAD RETURNED FROM HER REALITY SABBATICAL! I was just about to plaster Missing Posters all over Laguna. I didn't know where she had been, but she was back with a vengeance now! She was hanging out with Alex! Actually, it didn't look like she was hanging out with him as much as he seemed to have sat down at her table. Bree-Bree couldn't have looked more bored with his presence. Of course, what was great about all of this was that Lexie and Rachel were nowhere to be found. Consider Alex DENIED! Looks like he was unable to win over THE LEXIE. (She has a clear anti-creeping policy.)

Anyway, while Chase bellowed cacophonously on stage, Alex decided that Breanna would be absolutely fascinated with his love life. "Yeah, I broke up with Rocky," he said for no apparent reason.

"I know," replied Breanna, totally bored. Alex then commented on how crazy Raquel was (you know, what with all her "Please say more than two words to me per day" demands), and Bree-Bree concurred, clearly still scarred from the whole "incident" at the café. Still, as much as anyone enjoys some old-fashioned Rocky-bashing, we could tell that Breanna looked totally unhappy with Alex's company. I half expected her to shrug and say, "I came out of reality hibernation for this? Oy vey!" In my mind, she then does a whole Jackie Mason routine, which is awesome because honestly, try to imagine Breanna doing Borscht Belt comedy. It's a match made in heaven!

"Um, can I leave now?"

Nevertheless, we then cut to Rocky, who had taken a seat next to some random vixen. I didn't know who she was, but she had Mission Viejo written all over her, if you catch my drift (know what I'm saying, Roz?). Anyway, Nick W. soon appeared by Raquel's side, causing Alex to watch from afar jealously. Even though Nick and Rocky did nothing but whisper in each other's ears, Alex couldn't help but be overcome with rage. "Rocky's a slut," he told Stephen. "Rocky. She's a slut." He then added, "And I'm not just calling her a slut because I was a dick to her and therefore have to vilify her so I can live with my decisions in life." Okay, Alex didn't say that, but seriously. He had every right to call Rocky a slut. I mean, she was sitting next to a boy! WHORE! Granted, she didn't go around asking for every boy's number at the bonfire, but she clearly was a promiscuous trollop.

With his ego bruised thanks to Lexie and his ex-girlfriend now enjoying the company of new men, Alex had nothing else to do but scoff, "That's bullshit, dude!" And with that, he and Stephen left the concert! I'm hoping he remembers that he's the one who dumped her. He kind of loses the right to be jealous. Anyway, for whatever reason, Rocky went outside to pursue Alex, but the tricky editing kind of fell apart, and next thing we knew, Rocky was suddenly tearing up on the sidewalk for no clear reason. Did she overhear Alex? Was she regretting her Nick W. date? Soon, she began hyperventilating, which led me to believe she had heard Alex say, "What a slut." While she teetered on the verge of collapse, Alex and Stephen trekked away from the club, writing off Rocky's entire Nick W. date in the process. "It doesn't faze me," Alex said. "I don't care." Yes, it doesn't faze you one bit -- as evidenced by the fact that you just stormed out of the club in bitter protest.

We then cut to Rocky, who was now squatting down in the parking lot, crying by the wheel of a car. Paging Tessa. Paging Tessa. Please go to the parking lot. Your friend is in the process of making a total fool of herself.

We then cut to commercial, and when we returned, Tessa and Rocky were walking around a park in Laguna, talking about how crazy the night had been. Rocky commented, "I don't think I can cry anymore." And yet, something tells me she can and she will.

Elsewhere, Alex hung out with his cronies, Stephen and EJ, trying to rationalize his behavior by putting it all on Ra-kwell. "You saw the way she was acting," Stephen said.

"She's ridiculous," Alex replied, insinuating that Rocky was hanging out with Nick just to get back at him. Here's an idea: if you don't want to deal with Rocky's passive-aggressive attacks, stop hanging out with all her friends. You can't fault her for playing mindgames when you're trying to poach everyone in Laguna. Go back to your own school!

Nevertheless, Alex then faulted Nick W., saying, "Buddies don't do that to buddies." This, of course, begged a very important question: since when were Alex and Nick ever buddies?

Anyway, Stephen claimed that Nick should have told Alex beforehand that he was gonna make a move on Raquel. Alex agreed. According to him, there was no need for Nick W. to act all "silent night" about it. Yeah man! Nick W. totally took all the "Joy to the World" out of their friendship. Things were going to be so "Frosty the Snowman" between them now. Some might say it was not the "Most Wonderful Time of the Year" for these two.

"This is what it's all about: sitting around, shootin' the shit, and drinkin' soda from a can!"

As the episode wound down, we then headed over to Derek's house where Tessa arrived to "have a talk" with him, especially seeing how he had extended his "silent night" beyond the three days allowed by Chase. Ultimately, Derek said they would be better off simply as friends, which meant that Tessa had been dumped on television AGAIN.

Afterwards, Derek told Tessa, "I'm glad we had this talk." Yes, all three words of it were positively engaging.

And just like that, Tessarek tore asunder, bringing all our showmances to an end. Or are they? It looks like King of Douchebags Tyler returns next week to romance his erstwhile girlfriend Kyndra down on Spring Break. Can't wait!

What did you think about this episode? What are your thoughts on Alex? How did you feel when he called Rocky a slut?

Posted by B-Side at 1:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (88)

It takes all the good story telling of Law & Order and mixes it with a very cool style in the vein of CSI (the original, not the two scumnificant spinoffs). The show is JUSTICE and if you aren't watching, you're really missing out.

Justice is a legal drama that follows a trial from the point of view of the defense team. ALIAS' dad takes the helm of the legal team at a powerful LA law firm that handles exclusively high-profile, media-circus cases. Now before you fall asleep from the Ambienic description, give it one episode. You can view entire episodes commercial free (sans one 30 second commercial at the top of the show) on Myspace. So many features and styles make the show special, my particular favorite is at the end of every episode they show you the death/murder so you get closure as to whether they were defending a guilty or innocent person. It's just a fun added bonus.

Anyone watching this already care to testify?

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 4:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Just when things might start making sense on Lost, ABC is snatching it away! Our favorite castaway series will go missing for an entire thirteen weeks, after episode six of season three airs on November eighth.

But here's the good news: starting on February 7th, ABC will run the rest of the season
--sixteen weeks of uninterrupted episodes. Once a week. No reruns til the end of the season.

The sci fi series Day Break will fill in during the 13-week hiatus. ABC says the two-part Lost season was designed to avoid last season's midseason reruns.

--Tabloid Baby

Posted by Tabloid Baby at 4:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

Just when we think we've got all the shows on TV covered, we suddenly realize there are, you know, like two-hundred we're missing. It's too ambitious to cover everything, but we might as well expand as best we can. So we're holding yet another casting call for new writers. The shows we're looking to cover are Ugly Betty, Jericho, Top Chef, and hey, let's throw a procedural in there: Criminal Minds!

If you think you've got what it takes, email a sample recap of the latest episode to bside@tvgasm.com.

Posted by B-Side at 2:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

Things have been quite chaotic at the copygodd household over the past few days. Primarily because I severely dislocated the ring finger on my right hand Friday night, and may have torn the tendon. It was bent in three different directions and I thought I'd broken it, so the missus took me to the emergency room. Two hours later, I was sent home with a giant splint/wrap on my right hand, which I have to wear at least through the end of this week, when I see another doctor. Worst of all, no pain killers!!! Thank husband for the handful of Tylenol 3's I had left over from my vasectomy. And Never Summer Ale from the Boulder Beer Company.

So why am I wasting my first graph of The Bachelor recap whining about my mutilated digit? Because with just my left hand and one finger on my right, I can't type for shit. It's taken me almost ten minutes and a whole beer to get this far. Which means this week's recap is going to be the dreaded "Photo Recap," with lots of pictures and (hopefully) pithy captions. Don't say you haven't been warned.