After the first twenty four minutes of the show left Jack with the ole CTU itch, our favorite rogue agent decided to remind himself what's important in his life these days: Audrey. Yes, Jack took a breather from the hectic world of CTU visiting to call Audrey and profess his growing love for her. It was a sweet gesture, but by now Jack should know that any sign of Bauer love will lead to an abduction, murder, or cougar stalking. Nevertheless, Jack and Audrey stuttered, whispered and paused their way through the moment, which I personally expected to end with an "Every Kiss Begins with Kay" jingle. Alas, no cheesy jeweler stepped up, and instead we shifted our focus to Secretary of Defense Heller - aka the irascible and occasionally shiny William Devane.

Turns out Heller was busy arguing with his protester son Richard, who at first glance, appeared to be picketing against the use of shampoo. The two snapped back and forth at each other for a little bit, with Heller ultimately accusing his son of engaging in "sixth grade Michael Moore logic." So does Michael Moore make anti-Presidential documentaries in the world of 24 also?

Elsewhere in Los Angeles, Andrew (Lukas Haas) took a leisurely stroll back to his internet café with a smug look on his face that seemed to say "That was some good informing." Unfortunately, nary a game of Snood or Everquest were in action as Andrew quickly discovered all his co-workers had been killed. Well, almost all his co-workers. There was still that plucky Asian girl. Oh wait. Hold on. Yep, she's dead now.

With nothing left to do except be panicked, Andrew scurried out of the café and hopped on a bike - the ultimate foil to terrorist henchmen. Meanwhile, at CTU, a few agents hauled in that terrorist from the drycleaners. Oh, and wouldn't you know it? Jack knew him! Jack lobbied to have Driscoll reinstate him on a provisional basis, but unfortunately, the best he could do was land a small desk in the corner. "Chloe opened up a socket for you," Driscoll said in her sexy bureaucrat voice. Question: when is Chloe NOT opening up sockets? Every episode she seems to open two or three.

Nevertheless, Jack seemed quite unhappy with his socket offering, and as soon as Driscoll had ambled into another room, he jumped on Chloe's computer and started his usual shenanigans. You know - type type type, Chloe what's your password, type type type, Chloe please!, type type type, there's a terrorist threat at 8 am?, type type type, Chloe you have to trust me!, type type type, 8 am - that's in ten minutes! COMMERCIAL. For the record, it was only 42 minutes into the episode when CTU reached 8:50. Worst real time EVER!

When we came back from the commercial break, Jack rang up Audrey to tell her that some terrorist act was gonna go down at 8 am. "It's almost 8 now," she responded incredulously, as if Jack had violated some five minute courtesy system. Audrey finally got off her ass and fetched her dad, but with time ticking away, Jack needed some answers. With only four minutes until 8 AM, Jack rose to his feet as music swelled on the soundtrack. Hmmm... That's not just any music. That there is Barge In music. Methinks that terrorist interrogation might take a turn...

Cut to said interrogation as Ronnie (the new Jack) tried to break the terrorist. "Why did you let it happen?" he asked as if he wanted a refund for a movie ticket. Honestly, if all the government's secret agents were as lame as this dude, we'd never be able to get the bad guys. Luckily, it's patently clear he'll be dead soon enough.

Fortunately for CTU, badass Jack's Hulk-like rage had gotten the best of him and with little effort, he burst into the interrogation room and demanded answers. Well, first he flipped a table - the international symbol of "I will treat you the way I treat this Ikea furniture. With reckless abandon! Rah!!!" But when table flipping proved to be just a tad insufficient in the intimidation department, Jack upped the stakes a little bit by shooting the guy in the leg and then burying his gun tip in the wound. Ouch.

Well, surprise surprise. The terrorist sang like bird. A bird that's been shot in the leg. Turns out the target was Secretary of Defense Heller. Uh oh spaghetti-o. Props to J-Unit for accurately predicting the twist. Well, with little time to do anything, Jack called Audrey who... was not answering her phone. Dammit! Get the phone, bitch!!! After about five torturous rings later, Jack told her to get out, GET OUT. Audrey honed a little Kate Warner by doing a patented "Huh? I don't understand" bit. No sooner had she relayed the information to her dad than all hell broke loose. Rockets descended on the limo, Middle Eastern gunmen burst out of vans, Secret Service agents forgot their training, and Jack yelled into his cell phone "Audrey! Audrey!" Jack - normally when you hear explosions and gunfire, it's safe to assume the conversation is over.

Posted by B-side on January 10, 2005 8:53 AM