Sure enough, the terrorist nabbed Heller and Audrey (although they inconspicuously left annoying Richard to cower by the refrigerator). As the hour came to a close, I started to wonder - "How the hell am I going to get through this season. I'm sweating buckets."

Things eventually calmed down a bit in the second hour. President Keeler, still flying around somewhere over a cloudy CGI skyline, put in a token appearance to up the alert level to "elevated." Granted, if you asked Andrew, the alert level would be closer to "HOLY MOTHERF*@#KING SHIT!!!" Still trembling from the Internet Café massacre that he sort of, you know, precipitated, Andrew called his mom to say "Get out of the house!" As 24 day players are wont to do, Mom simply asked questions like "What sort of trouble are you in, Andrew?" Dammit woman! Listen to your son! Well, Mom finally got the picture and decided to hurry on out... as soon as she put the laundry away. Hey, the last thing you want to do after escaping terrorists is to come home to clean laundry out in the open.

Back at CTU, Driscoll was kind of seriously mad at Jack for, you know, torturing a witness. Not very, how do you say, legal? She immediately had Jack detained, a JV setback if I've ever seen one. Later, Chloe snuck into Jack's dark holding room to deliver information about Andrew, the code he found, and how Driscoll had diverted that investigation to the FBI. The two got on the phone with Andrew and yada yada yada Jack was going to pick him up from Union Station in thirty minutes. But wait, would Andrew be safe? Uh, not likely considering we cut to a terrorist in Andrew's house somehow listening in on this entire conversation by way of some high tech ham radio device. Oh - and there's Andrew's mom on the floor with a slit neck. Her last words: "Must... fold... linens..."

Anyway, as the terrorist listened in, Andrew gave his exact location and physical description to Jack. Great. Question: can computer programmers on this show ever NOT be in danger?

Later, the good people of CTU sat down to have a brainstorming session. We knew this would lead to nothing though as there was a noticeable lack of an easel and a frilly woman with a big marker. Sure enough, a minute into the session, Jack walked in and asked to have a moment with Driscoll. So much for the detainment. In a nifty bit of bargaining, broken record Jack demanded to be reinstated, otherwise he wouldn't reveal the location of Andrew. Driscoll finally gave in, saying that he would be under Ronnie's watch. At least until Ronnie dies. Heh. With Jack back on the force, Chloe was sure to let him feel more than welcomed: "Bad luck about Audrey being there when her dad got kidnapped." THANKS.

Meanwhile, William Devane dazzled us with his capacity to reflect light off his sweaty face. I guess this was the unexpected perk of having his character abducted at rocket-launcher-point. Heller and Audrey arrived at a mysterious compound where captors forced them on their knees, and after a tense moment when Audrey almost bit it (somewhere Kim's rolling her eyes and saying "They never kill you the first time"), the two were shoved into a holding cell. There, Heller tried his spin on "Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative" by insisting that his daughter say "We will be rescued." Yeah. It about 24 hours... Unfortunately, this upbeat outlook was somewhat tempered when the terrorists demanded that Audrey and Heller take off their clothes. William Devane naked? That could be a more lethal image than that video in "The Ring."

Elsewhere, that menacing terrorist family was preparing to entrust the most important part of the plan to its teenage son, Behrooz. One problem though. It appears as though Kim has been reincarnated in the form of Debbie, Behrooz's meddlesome chicky on the side. Much like Jack's departed daughter, we get a sense that wherever Debbie goes, she leaves a trail of blundering destruction. Sure enough, just as Behrooz was about to head off with the mysterious suitcase, little Debbie called up to do the patented "Why haven't you called me?" act. Yeah, not the best timing. Behrooz blew her off, saying "Hey, I'll call you after I hatch this terrorist attack on the United States-- I mean, after I get some ice cream." Actually, he was simply vague and curt as the watchful eye of his mother Dina (Shohreh Aghdashlo) monitored his every move. Later she scolded him in her sexy, sexy voice, although to be honest, all I could really hear was a bunch of "zhh" sounds. I really hope Dina and Driscoll have a scene together. It would sound so silky smooth. Maybe Jessica Rabbit can work for CTU too. Or at least, you know, Kathleen Turner.

Nevertheless, Behrooz made his way up to the mystery compound with the mystery suitcase and handed it over to the mystery guard. Oh Behrooz. That was clutch! Nothing's gonna go wrong... Nothing at all. Oh wait. What's that just behind the trees? Uh oh. Debbie. Yes, proving that a woman spurned will stalk freely, Debbie, it turned out, had followed Behrooz to the compound. Why, is this the first loose end in a steadily unraveling plan? Methinks it is!

After a little kissy kissy, Behrooz sped home (and I mean SPED. He was there the next scene) where his father promptly pimp slapped him. Turns out a scruffy guard had caught the teens necking outside the terrorist complex (so romantic). Teenage girls - always the bane of a terrorist's existence! (paging Jane Saunders, Kim Bauer)

Posted by B-side on January 10, 2005 8:53 AM