The truth is that crazy Maya Driscoll was safely off camera this past episode. Funny story though: a quick glance at the imdb made me realize that a few years ago, I had actually hung out with the actress who plays Maya: Angela Goethals. Oddly enough, it was me, Angela, and Sarah Rue. Turns out they both starred on the ABC show "Phenom"... with William Devane - aka Secretary of Defense James Heller. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!

Inconsequential name dropping aside, 24 was off and running yet again this week. We began the show as always with a little recap of episodes past. You know the drill. Previously on 24: dead bodies, dumb suburban mothers, evil terrorist mothers, gunfire, yelling, yada yada yada... I took this brief interlude to reflect on how much William Devane's face looks like a Halloween mask. His skin must be some sort of polymer.

Anyway, with the recap over, it was time to get down to business. We first gazed upon a quiet, dusty industrial compound. Cue some guards ambling around, whistling innocently. La dee dah. Just another day at the terrorist headquarters. Down in the nether regions of the compound, Heller sat bound and gagged while his captors put him on "trial" for crimes against humanity and all that good stuff. You know, the production values on this webcast were really subpar. Couldn't they have stolen a little backdrop? Maybe built a People's Court set? Heck, if it were me, I would have kidnapped the whole cast of "Night Court" and put them to work. We all know Richard Moll needs the gig.

While the shabbiest webcast EVER transmitted around the world, Jack honed his stealth instincts and quietly took out all the guards around the compound. At this point I put down my PS2 controller as I realized I was not actually playing a video game, simply watching one on TV (and an awesome one at that). Jack eventually infiltrated the shadowy fortress, telling Driscoll to call off that pesky Marine attack that would, you know, kill everyone. She couldn't quite do that yet (that's what we like to call, the "President's decision"); so Jack moved forward — but not before boldly stating, "No turning back, Erin." He then added, "It's now or never... I'm taking the plunge... Siyonara... People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."

After some more sleuthing, Jack finally found the love of his life: Audrey. "You've got to stop them!" she implored. Oh really? Thanks for pointing that out Audrey. I thought he was just supposed to give 'em a good scare. Maybe razz them a little, then hand out lemonade and oatmeal cookies. Nevertheless, Jack slipped Audrey a neat little switchblade and then prowled on towards Heller. Luckily, Jack's timing was impeccable as he managed to shoot down the terrorists just before they executed the Secretary of Defense. We then cut to Driscoll who announced, "He's doin' it," adding "Mama likey!"

Jack and Heller soon joined forces to bust out of the compound, but unfortunately Audrey was nowhere to be found. Oh well. You win some, you lose some. Outside, Jack and his boss staved off a veritable bullet storm, but not before Jimmy Heller showed off some fancy sharpshooting skills. Damn, William Devane is badass. Knots Landing? More like Knots Pounding. Sorry, that made no sense. Thought I had something. Lesson learned: Knots Landing can never sound awesome.

Well, the Marines finally descended on the madness and put those terrorists out to pasture. But whither goest fair Audrey? On cue, Omar the Terrorist emerged with a gun to Audrey's head. Jack and Heller dropped their weapons, and just before Omar was about to kill the girl and then himself, Audrey shoved that switchblade right into his... well, I think it was his balls, but it could have been his abdomen. Either way, it looked painful.

Fast forward after the commercial break, and Heller was suddenly back in his formal wear. Hey, the man's got a speaking engagement. Meanwhile, Audrey's husband, Paul, called up to say hello to his honey. Turns out he had flown across the country when he'd heard about her kidnapping. And now he was in CTU waiting for her. And he doesn't know about Jack. And he's British. Awkward...

With the craziness at the compound dying down, we could finally return to the usual CTU hijinx. Poor Curtis was having some difficulties with his network (Driscoll suggested he "multiplex" his bandwidth. So does that mean he should open up a movie theater?), but luckily crafty Marianne popped up to say she had snagged some extra bandwidth. Oooh. Finding bandwidth. Grrrrr! Sexay! "I slept with you because I was attracted to you. Still am. Deal with it," Marianne told Curtis boldly. She's a troublemaker, that one. With Sarah, Curtis, Edgar, and Driscoll on the case, one might say Marianne's something of a Fifth Wheel. You see, because Aisha Tyler used to host The Fifth Wheel and... oh never mind.

Posted by B-side on January 25, 2005 2:16 AM