Monday Night Football - 
by B-side
The good news: the President seems to be alive, barely. The bad news: 24 was preempted by football. Or at least a football. But come to think of it, all this football business on last night's episode wasn't half bad. Actually, it was quite exciting. In fact, my knuckles were white and my breathing short and rapid. I guess this wasn't bad news at all. So the lesson: 24 + a football = fun! Of course, I'm talking about the scary, nuclear brand of football -- you know, the kind that can imperil an entire country. Now that I think of it though, I wouldn't be adverse to watching the cast of 24 playing a little flag football for a few episodes. Might liven things up a bit. Sure, Edgar might get winded and Chloe might fumble occasionally, but if there's any workplace that needs to bolster its employee morale (especially after that rash of tortures), it's CTU.
For those of you confused about all this "football" nonsense, rest assured. I will explain. The episode began with Air Force One plummeting from the skies after Eric Stoltz, I mean, Mitch Anderson shot it down from his stolen stealth fighter (or bomber or whatever). As can be expected, total chaos erupted at CTU, causing Michelle to bark orders out to nearly everyone in sight. Get me those stats, CHLOE! I need more schematics, EDGAR! Where's my double-tall skinny latté with skim, TONY? Luckily, Captain Obvious was piloting Air Force One as the plane quickly declared an emergency. OH REALLY? We never would have guessed! I thought all the commotion was because the video projector showing "CBS Eye On Air Force One" was jammed. You can never underestimate the importance of inflight entertainment, especially when it involves an old rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond.
Anyway, Chloe quickly informed Michelle that Air Force One was hurtling towards Indio, CA. Great. Just our luck that the President's plane is gonna crash right in the middle of Coachella. Over $100 for a ticket, and now no one gets to see Coldplay. The hipsters will never survive. It's like going to see The Killers and getting stuck with Tina Turner. Soooo not cool.
Luckily, Michelle had a brilliant disaster strategy: she was going to send EMS to the crash site. I'll assume she meant Emergency Medical Services, but I was sort of crossing my fingers for a care package from Eastern Mountain Sports. After all, you never know if the Prez is gonna need some thermal underwear or maybe even a kayak. Sadly, we never learned the extent of Michelle's plan because moments later, the signal from Air Force One went dead. Uh oh. This is not good. Not good, I tell you.
And then, out of nowhere, Jack bounded into CTU like a spry antelope on the African savannah. Who knew he had such grace? As usual, he had all the answers and managed to reconnect with Air Force One, but eventually, the plane went dark as it inevitably crashed into... well, something. It was very La Bamba. All that was missing was a slow-motion montage of Lou Diamond Phillips (although, since he technically died in season one, that might be confusing).
Back in Washington, the Vice President was greeted by our old friend Mike Novick who apparently wasn't kicked out of Washington by his old boss, David Palmer. I personally was hoping the return of Mike would also signal the return of Lynn, the presidential aid who fell and went boom down a flight of stairs, but alas, she was nowhere to be found. True to form, Mike was eager to have the VP invoke the 25th Amendment, but unlike two seasons ago when Alan Dale had chomped at the bit to become Commander In Chief, our new Vice President seemed frantic, emotional, and downright scared to assume the office. Luckily, Mike had already put the gears in motion; so Scaredy McFlusteredFace didn't really have an option to hesitate over the matter.
Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, Michelle briefed the CTU office and said that locating Marwan was still of utmost importance. Jack turned to get back to work -- maybe bound around the office like a joyful gazelle -- but Audrey intercepted him. She had a message from her dad (hey, why not have William Devane deliver it himself? We haven't seen him for a few episodes). Apparently Jack had been put in charge of recovering the nuclear football. Nuclear football? FUN! How do we play? Can Daunte Culpepper be my quarterback? Actually, nuclear football was not related to the NFL (nor to David Beckham). What Audrey was referring to was a secured case containing all the activation codes for the U.S.'s entire nuclear arsenal. Or something like that. Basically, the nuclear football had very, very important and dangerous info about bombs, their locations, and how to activate them. It was Jack's mission to recover it from the plane wreck. Simple enough. Maybe.
The nuclear football transforms one fan into a furry manimal. That is a disgusting act by the nuclear football.Before our hero could run off into the field though, he had to have a heart to heart with Audrey about, you know, emotions and Paul and torture and blah blah blah. Eventually Jack busted free from his needy girlfriend by stating "I've gotta change and get ready." Why does he have to change? Did he soil himself? Did it get a little too chilly for his long sleeve T? I guess we'll never know.
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