We then moved to the Mojave Desert, home of previous 24 plane wrecks such as the season one opener and George Mason's atomic bomb kamikaze flight in season two. Basically, any aircraft heading over this desert on 24 is pretty much doomed. This evening, we returned to the desert where we met a romantic couple camping out under the stars. A bearded and whiny man named Jason crawled out of a tent to investigate a strange sound that had woken him up. He wasn't sure, but he thought he'd heard an explosion (um, the burning wreckage fifty feet from you might support your theory, bro). Unfortunately, Jason's investigation was interrupted by his horny wife, Kelly, who mildly resemblanced Lauren Ambrose from Six Feet Under. "Remember what we came out here for? To relax and make a baby," she said. Wow, this woman's intense desire to mate coupled with the remote Southwestern desert locale makes me think that we might have stumbled into Species IV: Time to Relax and Make a Baby. And judging by Kelly's weird eyes, it would be safe to say that she was an alien.

Anyway, even though there was a clear mandate for relaxing and making a baby, Jason could not suppress his need to investigate the strange explosive noise. His curiosity was soon rewarded as he stumbled upon plane wreckage right there in the desert. Kelly tagged along, but her peeved expression seemed to say "This is NOT conducive to baby making." Eventually, after some shaky flashlight action, Jason discovered something so horrific that we, the audience weren't allowed to see it initially. Moments later, Kelly's fertility-driven agenda was silenced as she too gazed upon this mind-blowing sight. What was it? The camera finally let us in on the secret as we saw... the Presidential seal! Oh. Well, we knew that. Why the suspense? Did they want us think there was another plane that had happened to have gone down? Maybe a UFO? You know, I do have to give the producers some credit though. This was the first time in about a gazillion episodes that a couple discovered something important and when the man turned to the woman, she did NOT already have a gun drawn. It's for the best. I was starting to think that finding important documents with a woman was a deadly act.

We then paused for a random moment as Tony and Buchanan butted heads. As you may remember from last week, turns out that Buchanan had been tapping that Michelle Dessler ass. Wow, mamma like dipping the pen in the company ink! Annoyed by this development, Tony made sure Buchanan felt his pissy wrath by getting all snippy and rolling his eyes and such. The big news though was Buchanan's confession that he and Michelle "never got off the ground." Yes, nothing like an old fashioned plane metaphor in the wake of Air Force One's demise. The moment became increasingly awkward and silly when Buchanan asserted that Michelle still had feelings for Tony. There's a national crisis going down, and yet these people still feel the need to gossip about this shit? Gotta love CTU.

A rescue team soon arrived at the wreckage of Air Force One (no, not where Jason and Kelly were. They were at the OTHER wreckage). We quickly learned that Keeler's son was dead (a real loss for the show), but the Prez was in fact alive. Wow, that was highly implausible, but I guess we'll go with it. Upon hearing this news, the VP reacted happily, but he was soon shaking like a little girl again when he realized that he'd still have to assume the Presidency. Man, this guy is a pussy.

Back in the desert, the newlyweds stumbled upon the football lying in the bushes. Amazingly, Jason seemed to know exactly what it was. Yes, even though it looked like any other locked briefcase you'd find on a Presidential airline, Jason had read an article a few weeks ago explaining the ins and outs of the football. So let's see... there just so happens to be a couple camping out next to the crash site, and that couple just so happens to be completely knowledgeable about the nuclear football? Okay, okay, we'll stop asking questions. Anyway, Jason explained the football's significance to wifey, who asked "Who you gonna call?" Ghostbusters! Sorry, knee-jerk reaction.

Well, Jason called the cops, but in the meantime, Jack flew in a helicopter to the football which had been outfitted with a transponder. Since the commute was long and boring, he dialed up Audrey to say sorry for leaving their conversation on such an unresolved note. She said she understood, and the two babbled some more, but wouldn't you know it? Call waiting beeped on Jack's phone.

"Audrey, I've got to take this call," said Jack.

"Wait, Jack," replied Audrey. "Take the call!" Uh, that's what he just SAID he'd do. Bitch never listens. Always complains, never listens.

Anyway, Jack was connected to Jason who informed him that he had found the football. Stay put and wait for me to arrive, insisted Jack. Great. If there's one thing we know about dayplayers on 24, it's that they never stay put and almost always die before Jack arrives. In this case, the threat was almost immediate as Jason spotted some headlights coming his way. Uh oh. Those weren't CTU headlights! Well, Jason must have been an agent in a past life because in mere seconds, he deduced the entire situation from some comments made from Jack. As the cars approached, Jason had to find the football transponder and destroy it. Easier said than done. We then endured a minute or two of some antics with a flashlight, a compass, and a rock. Eventually, Jason managed to destroy the transmitter, and I could finally bring my heart rate down to a normal pace. Seriously, that was way more exciting than it should have been.

Posted by B-side on April 12, 2005 1:45 AM