So... Does This Mean No Curbside Check-In? - 
by B-side
Ah yes. 24 is back. Well, it was back on Sunday, but it continued to be back last night as the most exciting show on television delivered us two more stunning hours of suspense. Minute for minute, a double dose of 24 is probably more intense and suspenseful than any action flick from last summer. And let's be honest. By dispatching two of the most beloved stars of the show (smell ya later, Palmer and Michelle), 24 also proves to be one of the boldest series on television. Sure, some of the techno-jargon is a bit, uh, silly, but hey, they could be talking about bananas and silly putty, and this show would still outclass the competition. Note to producers: be sure to include a bananas and silly putty episode.
Before I dive into part two of the four-hour "season premiere event," I'd like to pick a massive bone with Fox. Without giving anything away in this opening (er, second to opening) paragraph, I'd like to publicly reprimand whoever pieced together the preview at the end of Sunday's episode. Why? Because they showed exactly what would happen in Monday's cliffhanger! WTF?? From here on out, I'm simply avoiding the previews. I urge you all to do the same. And just to add insult to injury, ignore an episode of Bones too. Really make 'em feel it.
Anyway, the show opened up where we left off: terrorists had claimed Ontario Airport (that's why I always fly JetBlue to Burbank), and nimwitted Derek had found himself trapped inside as a hostage while Jack-a-roo was traipsing around in the rafters. Now, Derek's mom Diane was a pure mess as she tried to run past cops to retrieve her son. The authorities tried to drag her away, but she had an ace in the hole (or up her sleeve. Whatever the expression is).
"I have information for CTUUUUUU!!!" she wailed as she was yanked off screen. Before we could see Diane's fate, we then returned inside the terminal as the terrorists set up camp. Let's see, there was stubbly terrorist #1 -- he was the ringleader. Then there was stubbly terrorist #2 -- clearly destined to be shot. Oh, and there's stubbly terrorist #3, and was he hauling around a vending machine? Look, sometimes when you're creating an international incident, you just gotta have a Snickers.
If they get the vending machine, then the terrorists have won.
Well, the hostages all huddled together face down on the floor, and of course some unlucky sap tried to play hero by placing a call on his cell phone. Ha. He'll be dead by the time I finish writing this sentence. Yup. All in a day's work. It's very rare that an extra with any sort of screen time will ever survive an episode of 24.
Anyway, with Johnny O'CellPhone dead and wasting his rollover minutes, the terrorists then headed into the back rooms to find Trevinsky -- a.k.a. the man who just committed suicide under Jack's nose. Don't you just hate it when that happens? Hey, it could have been worse. Jack could have severed his head. Or tortured him with an Ethan Allen lamp. Well, the bad guys snooped all around Trevinsky's office, but alas, they could not find him. Jack, meanwhile, stayed hidden behind some shelves, carefully keeping a trained eye on the baddies. Bauer is back, baby! Sadly, Jack did not kill these fools. Sigh.
Back in the main terminal, the lead terrorist called a random police officer and told him that hostages would be killed if President Logan didn't back down from the big arms treaty. For a second, I thought the police officer couldn't hear the terrorist, but then I realized his blank, confused look was merely bad acting, not a stolen Verizon moment. Can you hear me now? Good. Anyway, this unnamed cop made the announcement we love to hear: "Set up a security perimeter!" Great. You might as well kill the hostages now.
Over in CTU, Audrey "Herbal Essences" Raines was chatting with Bill Buchanan when suddenly Jack called in. Oh, the poor girl. We could tell by the look in her eyes that her heart had gone pitter-pat by the mere mention of his name. But enough gooey romance (romance + 24 = car bombs and dead characters. RIP Michelle). Jack was now firmly ensconced up in a ventilation system or something, and with his Sprint camera phone, he was now conveniently taking pictures of the nearby terrorists. Of course, as the head honcho at CTU, Buchanan had nothing better to do other than bark at Jack and tell him to come back to CTU, but that only paved the way for a blistering, classic Jack Bauer response: "Understand this, Bill. I don't work for you, BILL!" And with that, Jack sent his camera pic with the sort of fury only the Sprint Nextel network can tame.
As for Audrey, she was quietly listening in on the conversation (she had requested Bill put on the speaker phone), and when Jack mentioned Diane to Bill, we could see Aud's pained expression. That's right. He's found another woman. A working class woman, no less. So just move on, AUDREY.
Meanwhile, up at the Presidential Junction of Dysfunction, our old friend Mike Novick urged President Logan to head down to the "Situation Room." Of course, the Prez was not happy about this, but probably because he thought Mike was forcing him to watch Wolf Blitzer. Actually, Logan was pissed simply because he would absolutely not let this historic arms treaty be delayed or hindered. Good ole Logan. It's nice to have an impulsive, idiotic president on the show after all those sage years with Palmer (sigh, RIP too).
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