Back at CTU, Edgar Stiles (who seems to have visited a few Krispy Kremes since his mom died 18 months ago) was having trouble identifying the terrorists in Jack's photos, brought to you courtesy of the Sprint Nextel Mobile Network, perfect for all your office solutions. Someone suggested he widen the parameters, but Edgar merely snapped back, "If it were any wider, we could use the phone book."

"Wait, hold on a second. Try using an MP safe adaptive search," said a voice as beautiful as the Scottish morning wind. Why yes, it was Chloe O'Brien, reunited with her chubby counterpart. Man, "safe adaptive search" has never sounded so romantic. Bill Buchanan then totally ruined the moment by telling Chloe how many protocols she had broken. Yeah whatever. Do you want Chloe to find your terrorist or not? In true form, Chloe sassed Bill and rejoined the team without incident. Within seconds, she discovered that Stubbled Terrorist #1 was a former Russian soldier, cementing the belief that the hostage situation was linked with the summit.

Now, since last year's near execution of Heller was so damn fun, the producers decided to do it all over again, this time placing a live execution on TV instead. Yup, the Ontario terrorists were gonna execute a hostage on the air unless their demands are met. You know this will get grizzly. After Stubbly Terrorist #1 finished ranting to his worldwide audience, we then cut to Fox anchor Steve Edwards, famously of Good Day LA. "That was a live feed from Ontario airport," Edwards said, adding, "And now here's Jillian Barberie in a bikini!"

Back at the Presidential retreat, Logan could not conceive of how this terrorist plot could unfold. How could this happen? After all the time and effort he's spent on this summit, how could the terrorists strike now?? Why, it's almost as if there's a mole. A mole who's helping the terrorists plot this incredible standoff in direct coordination with the treaty. Yeah, I'm looking at you, WALT.

Well, outside the airport, Curtis hopped out of a helicopter, just in time for Jack to give him a call. How does Jack still have everyone's numbers? That's a bit odd, yes? Anyway, Curtis put Jack on with Diane (spare the John Cougar Mellancamp puns), and soon it was revealed -- to Jack, at least -- that pesky Derek was in the building. Stupid kids. Just when we were ridin' high on a Kim-free season, Derek has to come along and foul everything up. Why can't America's youth be more like Behrooz: a plucky boy with a puffy afro and a will to live.

Anyway, Jack busted out his monoculars, and sure enough, there was Derek huddled amongst the hostages. "Son of a bitch!" scowled Jack. Hey man, we're right there with you.

Meanwhile, CTU finally had an ID for Stubbly Terrorist #1. His name was Anton Barejz (sounds like Barresh, but it's spelled like, um, I don't know. I used "jz" because it sounded more dangerous). Anyway, Buchanan called up Logan and revealed that Anton was a member of "the Dawn Brigade, a separatist movement blamed for the numerous terrorist bombings in Russia."

To which Mike Novick replied, "Precisely the kind of terrorist organization today's accord was designed to combat!" The irony is never lost on Mike Novick!

Well, as usual, the testy and impatient Logan snapped at Buchanan, asking what was being done to apprehend Anton. When Bill responded with some gibberish about protocols or whatever, Logan simply yelled, "Spare the agency patter. Just get it done!" He HATES patter!

Meanwhile, over at the airport, it was time for hostage slaying #1. As the terrorists pulled a random dude out of the pack, it was clear this actor would not be around for future episodes. Sorry, man. Curse of the day-player. Sure enough, Anton shot him right in the head, live on television too! What do you have to say about that, Steve Edwards??

Well, with one hostage dead, it was time to get some fresh blood. Who will the bad guys pick? Hmmmm... oh, I know! Derek! Yup, the brat was plucked from the floor and thrust in front of the cameras. But fear not. He would have fifteen minutes before the baddies would kill him. That was plenty of time for Jack to pull off some unimaginable feat of heroism. Of course, Diane didn't know that. All she saw was her son on his knees on national television. A frantic, hysterical screaming fit ensued, but luckily Curtis calmed her down. Worst trip to Los Angeles EVER!

And now my favorite part of this season: First Lady INSANE. Yes, it was Martha Logan and her tortured assistant Evelyn. Ever since Martha was introduced with the line, "I look like a wedding cake," I knew I'd like her. Year after year, 24 has supplied us with at least one scene-stealing woman, and this time around, Jean Smart has the plum role of the occasionally delusional and always amusing First Lady. Sort of like the anti-Sherry Palmer, Martha is all frayed nerves and instability, and I love her. Anyway, Martha was still convinced that her conversation with David Palmer was not a delusion; so she quickly slipped out of her holding pen, telling Evelyn to cover for her if anyone were to come by. And with that, Martha was on the loose!

Before we could find out what exactly the First Lady of Craziness was up to, we then returned to the airport where Jack was taking even more photos of terrorists. This time, he had Chloe zoom in on a detonator on the bad guy, and blah blah blah, Jack learned that those explosive vests around the terrorists could be set off remotely by a leader -- just in case any of the guys get any cold feet about, you know, blowing themselves up into a thousand little pieces.

Posted by B-side on January 17, 2006 3:46 AM