Okay, back to the action. With Jack's transmissions suddenly dead, Buchanan could arrive at only one conclusion: "We have to assume he's been captured or killed." We then cut to a crestfallen Audrey. You bring her up only to take her down again. It's like she's reliving the nightmare all over again! Hey, I say they bring back her dad. Crumbs will be canceled in no time. William Devane should be free in about three weeks.

Anyway, since Jack was such a swell guy to show himself, Anton the Terrorist decided to save Derrick and kill another hostage instead. So long, Extra #34675. And yes, two seconds later, the replacement ruffian was dead.

Back in Martha Land, the First Lady was explaining the whole phone controversy to the visibly exhausted Evelyn. She said she had to show her husband the transcript, but only at the right time. "Besides, he thinks I'm unstable," Martha added. Now why would he think that? Because you submerged your face in a sink full of water after accusing Evelyn of making you look like a marital gâteau? Anyway, Martha stuffed the transcript into her bra, giving us a brief glimpse of some Jean Smart ta-tas. Grrrowl!

Meanwhile, at the airport, Diane continued to pester each and every nearby officer with incessant questions. Diane, SHUT UP! Just let Curtis do his job! And why do they keep letting her out of the truck? She's like a dog that won't stay put.

Even terrorists need lunch: "Anton, how is the Kung Pao chicken at this place? Spicy?"

Over at CTU, shifty Spencer seemed busy with whatever computer hacking he was up to, causing Edgar to ask, "Want some help, Spencer?" Although, to be fair, it really sounded more like, "Want some help, THPENTHER??" Spencer turned down the help, and before we could savor the return of Edgar to our television sets, none other than Samwise Gamgee, a.k.a. Sean Astin, waltzed right into CTU. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Lynn McGill, the latest 24 bureaucrat. We knew Lynn would be problems because he came from District, not Division. Right off the bat, he caused friction as Buchanan suggested Lynn call him Bill. "Well, if we were having a beer or something, but at work I think it's better to maintain a more formal mode of address," Lynn replied. WELL! Look, Lynn, you may try hard to be a bureaucrat, but you've got mighty big shoes to fill. Let's not forget last season's Erin Driscoll or season one's Alberta Green. Or how about George Mason and a little prick I like to call, Ryan Chappelle?

Nevertheless, Lynn never saw a formality he didn't love, and he brusquely told Buchanan, "I think you should address me as Mr. McGill in front of the others."

"You know, Lynn. I'd rather not," Bill replied. Ah yes. Not too long ago, it was Bill who was the dick bureaucrat from Division or District or Delaware, but clearly the rogue ways of CTU have loosened him up. Anyway, Lynn quickly set up camp, taking over Bill's office and insisting on overlooking every part of the crime-fighting process. Great. I guess this means we'll have less torture this season too. Which reminds me: three hours into the premiere, and nary a bit of torture. I guess the whole "killing hostages" thing makes up for it.

Anyway, over at the arms summit, the Russian president told Logan that he didn't want the hostage rescue attempt screwed up. If it should fail, it would make a mockery of the anti-terrorist arms treaty that he too had staked so much of his political career on. So basically, in case you didn't realize, the pressure was really really on to save those hostages.

And speaking of pressure, Evelyn was feeling some of her own. You see, that snakey Walt fella had gotten word that Martha had been snooping around the archives, and he needed to retrieve the missing transcript, lest Logan discover that he had actually altered the phone conversation. And so Walt cornered Evelyn and pushed her for answers, but the faithful assistant refused to say anything. Well, kind of. Let's put it this way: getting info from Evelyn is easier than squeezing juice from an orange. Nay, juice from a juice box. In no time, Evelyn spilled the beans, and as Walt left, he sneered, "You're aware that if this document finds its way into the wrong hands, you'll be held responsible." Sure. Blame Evelyn for EVERYTHING! I'm surprised they haven't pinned her for Palmer's assassination yet. By the way, I'm totally blaming Evelyn for things that go wrong in my life. Hey Evelyn, if my meat loaf doesn't come out right, I'm holding you responsible.

The whipping girl of season 5.

Meanwhile, there were some problems on the CTU front. You see, after Jack had been apprehended, the terrorists made him call Bill and tell him to move the agents to another entry point -- which of course would be a trap. As Jack relayed this, he explained he was in a Flank 2 position, and as any avid viewer of the show would know, Flank 2 was obviously a duress signal. I mean, it's not that Jack has said that before, but more like it was so obvious that by saying this random gibberish amidst his otherwise normal directions, it was clear that it was code for "Help! Help!" Well, it was code to us, but not the brain trust of CTU. Bill merely discarded the whole "Flank 2" thing and redeployed the troops to the next attack point.

Posted by B-side on January 17, 2006 3:46 AM