Back at CTU, Buchanan was busy barking at Audrey. "The last thing we need is for the public to find out that the nerve gas is out there." So... I take it the public's gonna find out, right? Eh, it was inevitable. Meanwhile, at the docks, a shady bad guy put some sort of code on the nerve gas containers (which, by the way, were headed to Asia). Unfortunately for bad guy #1, bad guy #2 (a.k.a. the fake hostage in the yellow tie) caught him stepping out of the freight container. The two squabbled about payment, with bad guy #1 wanting money upfront instead of after the gas arrived at its destination. Hmmm... changing payment plans? Never a good idea. Eventually, the two guys parted ways, but not before fake hostage/bad guy #2 gave us some of the old SHIFTY EYES!!!

Meanwhile, in the parallel universe that is Diane-land, our favorite emotionally-wounded mom approached our favorite emotionally-wounded CTU agent, Audrey. "Do you still have feelings for Jack?" Diane asked. She then revealed that Jack was still in love with Audrey, which caused all sorts of water-eyed stammering from the DoD liaison. Before Audrey could respond -- it always takes her about forty-five minutes to stop doing the goldfish face and say something -- Diane then mentioned that since Jack has been living with her and Derrick, the three of them have sort of become a family. "If you don't love him, let him go," Diane said. Oh, you sneaky whore! Meddling and manipulating! Jack should know better than to have two of his bitches left alone in CTU. Need I remind you of the fatal showdown that was Nina vs. Terri?

As for Jack, well, he had just arrived at the President's ranch, located a convenient ten minutes away from CTU. Just as he was about to step out of the car, his phone rang, and you guessed it, an emotionally fraught Audrey wanted to have a "talk."

"When this is over, are you coming back?" she asked. You do remember that there's a national security crisis, right? Somebody put Audrey's glasses on her face. Still, she persisted, "Are you going back to Diane?" Seriously, this girl needs to be TASERed right now. As usual, Jack replied with tortured, noncommittal responses, thus prompting Audrey to become even more needy. "Don't go away again, Jack, please!" she urged, but thankfully, Jack had had enough of this silliness, saying that he had to go. What's so pressing, Jack? Oh, that's right, there's only a small NERVE GAS DILEMMA.

Meanwhile, President Logan was busy in his office saying "We can't have any leaks about the nerve gas," which of course meant that we were on the verge of some sort of leak. Before we could get to that, however, Walt Cummings entered and holy cannoli, he confessed everything! Turns out that yes, Walt was helping to smuggle the gas out of the country, but the plan was to detonate the canisters remotely once they arrived at the terrorist headquarters. Ah ha! So Walt is good. Kind of. Right?

Eh, not so much. You see, after the terrorists would be killed, then the world would have "proof" that WMDs existed in that region, and the USA would be able to place a military presence in the area AND ensure oil for a new generation to come! How very Syriana. So in the end, Walt remains a bad guy, but for entirely different reasons.

Well, Logan unsurprisingly flipped out -- which is always fun, but not nearly as fun as when it's for something irrational -- but this time Walt flipped out too. "I AM A PATRIOT!!" Walt yelled, explaining that he was doing this all for the betterment of the country. It then only took a few seconds for Logan to realize that Walt was behind Palmer's death, but before the prez could call in the guards to take his treacherous underling away, Walt noted that if the scandal were to become public, the entire administration would go down in flames. Drats.

Meanwhile, Mike Novick arrived for his rendez-vous with Jack (he drove his own Town Car too). The two shook hands, smiled, and shared some brief pleasantries, but before they could get down to business, a helicopter and various vehicles suddenly arrived, putting a kibosh on this little date. Great. Anyway, the two were taken to the ranch, and as Jack was unloaded, Aaron spotted him and again, his anti-shifty eyes went off like gangbusters. Must... help... Jack... Bauer...

I didn't realize the Celebrity Fit Club guy was on this show.

Back at CTU, there was some minor squabbling going on as Lynn and Buchanan learned that the White House wanted to take over the nerve gas investigation. Furthermore, no one was able to contact Jack or Mike Novick, leading Buchanan to surmise that something was most certainly wrong. Feeling a sense of obligation unheard of for a CTU bureaucrat, Buchanan decided to disobey White House orders and continue the investigation, but Lynn was not on board. "I'm not about considering disobeying a direct order from the White House," he said, causing Buchanan to lash back, "That's because you don't have the experience to know any better." IN YOUR FACE, LYNN!! How's that feel because you just got surrrved!

Over at the Presidential compound, Jack was holed up in a room that was not unlike the Mexican confines of the Salazar ranch. Anyway, trusty Aaron entered, and without missing a beat, Jack began pleading his case, explaining the whole conspiracy and saying that it was Aaron's obligation to save the president from Walt. Amusingly, Aaron casually mentioned that the first lady seemed to know about this conspiracy also, but Jack simply brushed off the news as if Aaron had just announced the afternoon weather.

Posted by B-side on January 31, 2006 4:27 PM