OK, so I just used gnarly in a sentence. Forgive me; I just though pop culture terms form 1989 would really sum up how I felt about this episode. As we all know from last week, Bierko just commandeered a submarine using a backup canister of the VX gas that he's been messing around with all day. Why the submarine? Submarines have missile, and while there were no nukes onboard, each missile was capable of leveling several city blocks, and with a range of several hundred miles, there weren't going to be many places on the West Coast that would be safe. Like any crazy terrorist, Bierko was running down his list of high value targets (HVTs) including financial centers, transportation hubs, high population density areas, and Famima! OK, that last one is only high value to me, but when it's 2AM and you need a vitamin water and sushi fix, you need to set your priorities.

Since everybody on the submarine was either dead or a terrorist, nobody had any qualms about just blowing that submarine out of the water. Audrey Raines got on the phone with our buddy Admiral "Sugar Ray" Kirkland and let him know that the submarine had been seized. Kirkland knew nothing about this, perhaps because George Costanza was working on that special project downtown, but said he could get his F18s scrambled in 22-25 minutes. Unfortunately, that would not be enough time to stop Bierko, as Chloe said he would be ready to launch in less than twenty minutes. Hmm, perhaps if Kirkland took his jets sunny side up instead of scrambled, he could save some time? Also, it was great to see Audrey use that high-end Cisco Systems technology to make a phone call, maybe next time they'll make something that can COPY A TAPE RECORDING so we don't have to go through all of this again.

Let's be honest though. Sending in some fighter pilots to blow up the sub wouldn't be nearly as much fun as watching Jack do it himself. Unfortunately, the sub's entry hatches were closed and they are literally airtight. And even if Jack could get inside, does he have the manpower to take out Bierko? But wait a minute, how are you going to get inside of a LOCKED SUBMARINE in less than twenty minutes.

Suddenly, we have our answer. Henderson notices out of the corner of his eye that a signal tube has been dropped out of the side of the submarine. Luckily, Chloe didn't know what a signal tube was either which gave Jack a convenient way to explain all of this to us. "Asignaltubeisaradiobeaconsentoutincaseofemergencies" Jack said in one breath. Man, how many takes did you think they needed to finish THAT? Anyway, this signal tube I guess helps somebody inside of the sub get radio messages to the outside world. If somebody inside released a signal tube, maybe that means somebody inside is a friendly and can help them get, uh, inside.

Mr. Bauer, bring toilet paper. I just shat myself.

Chloe was able to patch Jack with the person inside, one Petty Officer Tim Rooney, an engineer aboard the sub. Luckily, he happened to be in a sealed compartment and didn't get any of that deadly nerve gas herpes, but there were notother survivors. All of the terrorists were inside, having flushed the ventilation systems, which meant is was safe to move without a gas mask. Rooney also happened to be in a place on the ship where he could see all of the movements of the terrorists through closed circuit camera, but they were unable to see him. Jack explained to Rooney the situation and that they would need help getting inside. OK, cool, what's this guy have to do? Oh, nothing besides come up behind the terrorist guarding the rear hatch silently and then slit his throat and kill him without anybody noticing.

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Posted by J-Unit on May 23, 2006 7:40 PM