The show starts with our just off the turnip truck Midwest model from Kansas; Britt. She is on her way to a meeting. Ah, but not just any meeting, it’s “Model’s For Christ�. This way the models can all get moral support for their love of six pack abs and Christ. And we all know there is no more persecuted group of people in America than beautiful Christians. Those poor bastards. When will they catch a break!?

At the meeting we listen to then singing a spiritual hymn, yet with an underlying sexiness that is impossible to deny. The group leader then tells everyone to introduce themselves and explain their relationship with Christ. Britt declares that “Jesus is my maker and Jesus is my husband�. Man, what a freaking gip. Jesus marries her but all he does with me is be my freaking co-pilot? Since when did I get relegated to Chewbacca status?

God loves me AND my hair

Meanwhile, over on the godless heathen side of 8th and Ocean, Mia the booking agent is upset because Vinci, the most requested male model they have, doesn’t answer his phone. And when we cut to Vinci flirting in a hot tub, I immediately feel bad because I’m not sure the guy knows how to use a phone. Vinci is not blessed with what us normal people like to call “intelligence�, or “maturity� or a “functioning brain stem�. Let’s just say if Terri Schiavo was reborn as a model, it would be Vinci.

In the hot tub Vinci is hitting on another model. And Vinci’s idea of hitting on her is simply saying in broken English “Talk to me direct. Say Vinci I want to go out with you and have dinner with you�. The female model responds by saying “Boy he’s turning on the Latin charm!� Actually that’s a common mistake. Thinking Vinci’s broken English means he’s Latin. No, he was born and raised in Westchester NY. It’s just that since he’s functionally retarded it makes things like participles and indefinite article’s a rare occurrence. But last year he learned how to tie his shoes all by himself! Then we took him out to Chuckie Cheese to celebrate. Oh he was so happy.

Back at the model apartment Britt is quizzing the girls about the most embarrassing thing that they were ever asked to do on a shoot. Britt says she was almost on a Herbal Essence commercial so she practiced the orgasm noise they had to make. And she was embarrassed because she says she doesn’t have “a lot of experience in that department�. One of the downsides of having Jesus as your husband. Upsides? All you can eat loaves, fishes and wine.

Vinci meanwhile is finally showing up to the modeling agency with an oh so grating shit eating grin on his face. When they start to complain about Vinci blowing them off all day and missing a series of appointments he just uses that Latin charm and laughs it all of telling them “you need to relax man.� When he walks around aimlessly with that vapid smile he soon realizes that…they are still mad at him. What are these people ROBOTS? It’s Vinci! And he’s smiling!! Good god it’s like a room full of Vulcans! Mia tells him that he is dangerously close to being dropped from the agency. With that we then get the sad and concerned Vinci, which makes my heart break. You see, every time a model is sad, god kills a puppy. It’s a scientific fact.

We next see Britt having a one on one meeting with Irene Marie, the owner of the agency. I’m assuming from the massive amounts of plastic surgery on her face that she was once a model herself. In fact I’m not entirely sure she is an actual person. She looks like a puppet. And not just any puppet, but one of those weird puppets from that Genesis video. I swear if we looked under her desk we’d see a bunch of midgets working hydraulics.

Irene wants to talk to Britt because she is concerned about her model book. She thinks it needs a change of style. The pictures are young and limited. Britt is missing fashion. And fashion means femininity. Translation = you need to shake your bon bon. Irene says she wants her to look at another models book to get an idea of what she’s looking for for the next shoot. Something more sultry and feminine. Hmmm, let’s hope her next shoot isn’t an R Kelly video.

Posted by EdHIll on March 16, 2006 6:05 PM