How To Reflect on Human Depravity and Learn Absolutely NOTHING - 
by B-side
Pop quiz: When you see monuments of the African slave trade and the Berlin Wall, what are the first thoughts that pop into your head? If you answered sausage making, beer chugging, and soap box derbies, you are correct! That's the lovely combination that The Amazing Race conjured up for us tonight on a Very Special Emmy episode.
Oh, and let's not forget the domestic abuse. No, not the kind where we bloggers of the world laugh and say "He's gonna hit her!" I mean the kind where we bloggers of the world say "Wow, he just shoved his wife in the middle of the street." Yeah, it's not funny anymore.
Where's Jeff Probst when you need him?
We knew tonight's episode was going to be emotional because a) CBS has not stopped showing commercials of Gus sobbing, and b) um, okay, I have no second reason. Kris and Jon kicked off this leg of the race as they excitedly read they'd be going to the largest former slave house in the region. "Let's go!" they chirped, only a shade less enthusiastically than Mario and Luigi. I know these two are happy and like the best people ever, but honestly, it's a SLAVE HOUSE!
Aaron and Hayden's boobs opened up their clue with considerably less enthusiasm, and Rebecca managed to insult an entire continent by yapping "I'd love to get out of Africa. I can see why so many people escaped." If by "escaped" you mean "torn from their families and homesteads to be shipped to America where they were slaves for a few hundred years," then yeah, TOTALLY. They were SO lucky to have escaped!
Meanwhile, in the uncomfortably ironic department, penniless Mary Jean and Don announced their plan to rebound from losing all their cash at the end of the last round: "If we have to sing and dance, we'll get the money," Mary Jean said as she pulled out her "Ralph Ellison Guide to The Invisible Man Money Dance".
As teams arrived at the slave house, the show slowed down to take a moment to respect and reflect on the tragic destinies of so many Africans. Each team was instructed to enter the house and lay a flower down in tribute to the slaves. It really was a beautiful moment, but snarky me knew the producers were playing me like a fiddle as those swelling strings took over the soundtrack. Yes, I wouldn't let my cold heart be warmed by some reality show! Cut to Kris and Jon saying a prayer (they're so nice), Gus sobbing, then Don teary eyed, then Gus explaining how he didn't cry at his parents funerals, then me with my lower lip quivering. Damn this is powerful. Did Jerry Bruckheimer let Speilberg direct this episode or something? Just about the only thing that could make this more moving would be if they headed to concentration camps. Hmmm... I wonder where they'll be off to next?
Germany!
Teams were instructed to head back to Europe and seek out the Berlin Wall. So I guess this will be a real upper of an episode, huh? As everyone made their way to the Senegal Airport, Kendra expressed an unrelenting desire for a croissant in Paris. Sorry Kendra, this is the Amazing Race, not pretend to be Gertrude Stein Day. First time beggars Mary Jean and Don felt badly asking for money from the locals. Why? "We're from an affluent area," said Don. As Elaine Benes would say, GET OUT! I thought they were trailer trash for sure. Luckily, the introspective, guilt-inducing visit to the slave house had other teams throwing down the cash for the elderly couple. Suckers.
Meanwhile, in the cab to the airport, Hayden and her globule mammaries were in quite the pleasant mood. "How are you doing today?" she asked the cabbie. "My breasts are fine thanks," she then added. Less thoughtful was resident bimbo Kendra who had this fine message for Senegal's tourism board: "This city is wretched and disgusting. And they just keep breeding and breeding!" Yeah! I mean, they should do something with all these people. Maybe if we just send a bunch of missionaries and let our government prop up dictators, everything will be fine!
Before we could truly reflect on Kendra's idiocy, a full scale controversy exploded at the ticket desk for Air France. With shades of Charla vs. Colin entering the picture, Bolo and Lorie protested against Aaron and Hayden purchasing tickets for teams that hadn't even arrived yet. The two teams entered into a poorly worded battle of the (dim)wits with Bolo's triumphant dis being "Shut up, mouth!" Kendra (who had since dropped her sociological studies to enter the fray) responded with a simple "Barbarian!" Hayden had the closest thing resembling any sort of put down when she charged: "Just 'cause you're 5'5" and on steriods--" to which Bolo responded, "I'm not on steroids." I'm shocked that Lori didn't pipe up with a rousing "But I am, bitch!" and then grab Hayden's hair (Breasty cat fight would then ensue in slow motion, toppling into the mud pit Air France keeps near its ticketing desk).
Inexplicably, we returned from commercial break to find that the entire storm had passed — everyone was apologizing and hugging and denying steroid use. (Way to be topical, Amazing Race). I suppose the fact that everyone was able to get tickets easily mollified that whole situation. It should be noted that Kendra had still not received her croissant though.
Just because the airport spat blew over didn't mean we couldn't have some more cattiness. And who pray tell was in the center of this latest girl on girl imbroglio? Why Adam and blue haired Jon! Jon and Victoria accused Adam and Rebecca of following them, and of course that made Jon flip out. He should really learn to relax. Maybe he should go to a spa. You know, a spa like the one he OWNS.
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