Researcher extraordinaire Kendra was first up. She shot through the air at such fast speeds that she seemed on the verge of yelling "SENEGAL SUCKS!!!!" in excitement. Sadly for Kendra, she forgot to research the benefits of dramamine as she soon felt dizzy and sick, or as she said it "Baby, I feel dizzy and sick. Baby." Of course we were all expecting this since this was the heavily hyped angle of all the CBS promos last week. What will happen to Kendra??

Uh, actually nothing. After a brief spell of nausea, she stood up and waltzed to the cab. Were they serious? Does brief nausea constitute a whole promo? CBS hyped it up so much, I half expected Kendra to throw up Osama Bin Laden.

Not long after Kendra's Hot Rocket Bungee attempt, Victoria soon took the reigns. Jon tried to provide some support, yelling "Victoria, you're a superhero!!!" He then added that her special power was receiving beatings. Nevertheless, she was flung into the air, and I think we could all empathize with Victoria as she probably squeaked "Freedom! Glorious freedom!" Actually, she didn't say that, but the noises she did make had me wondering if they were that different from when she and Jonathan have sex.

Picking up the rear of the bungee beauties was Lori who praised her good fortune of having not gone for a larger boob job. Could have made the bungee a bit precarious, she claimed. Yeah, I don't understand her logic either. Bolo meanwhile chatted with the crane operator, explaining to him how he's not on steroids.

Eventually, the bungee madness gave way to our favorite Amazing Race pastime: airport shenanigans. Freddy, Kendra, Hayden, and Aaron all showed up at the airport first, snagging tickets on the first flight to Budapest, the next destination. Jon and Victoria were next to arrive at the airport, but while they waited in line, sneaky Gus and Hera made a bee line to the travel agents and booked the last tickets on the flight. I think everyone enjoyed watching Jon lose the tickets from right under his nose, but even better was the way he tried to verbally harangue the airport workers. Eventually, when it became clear that he wouldn't be getting on the earliest flight, Jon tried some clunky PA on a lady at the ticket desk by saying "You made us lose the race. Thank you." Part of me really wanted the lady to hold up a picture of Hitler and say "Do you really want to mess with us?" Anyway, Jon stormed off with a look that seemed to say "I have an appointment at the airport Cinnabuns!" Supplicant Victoria followed, hauling the luggage as usual. Damn her and her inability to carry her own weight.

Once in Hungary, teams met their next obstacle: the Trabant, a small clownish car known for breaking down and attracting mockery to Hungary. I guess they're sort of like Yugos, except without all the refinery. The Trabant, however, should not be confused with the Trebek, a similar car which features useless trivia and patronizing over-pronunciation of ethnic words.

In an amazing feat of stomach sucking, Gus managed to stuff himself into the tiny car which of course led to the inevitable Chris Farley paraphrasing: "Fat guy in a little car." Luckily Gus was a former aviator (he just barely lost out to Leonardo DiCaprio for Scorcese's film) and was able to get his Trabant on the road in no time. He happily announced that the car wouldn't be speeding and so they might as well enjoy the scenery. You know after the race Gus told all his friends "Oh, and then they gave us this car that was so slow. You couldn't get above forty miles per hour on it. It was the best."

Having worse luck with the vehicle were Aaron and Hayden who chose a car with a dead battery. In a moment of frustration, Aaron punched an innocent traffic pole and spilt his hand open. I for one would like to start a letter writing campaign to CBS. Pole abuse is a sickness and must be stopped, preferably by a piano-scored public service announcement. I personally won't be satisfied until the cast of "Two and a Half Men" address this issue with suitable bowling shirt pinache.

Speaking of abuse, Jon was kind enough to shut the car trunk... on Victoria. Yes, the quintessential sign of enduring love: slamming a metal door on your wife. Once in the car, Jon crowed about his driving abilities. "I'm really good with cars. I know where the clutch it," he said. He then rattled off his other accomplishments which included finding the steering wheel, knowing how to sit in the seats, being able to see through the windows, and similarly, being able to find the correct window to look out of (he calls this the "windshield" factor).

Less sure of her abilities was Hayden who took to the backseat with a map and an attitude. "I'm retarded with directions" she warned. Uh, just look at the map and figure out the route. Oh, but I make it sound so easy. I forget that Hayden really does have a difficulty with directions. Ever since she was a little kid, she's had a chronic problem of either rolling maps into little balls and throwing them away, or simply eating them.

Back in Abusive Trabant #1, Victoria decided to try out some of her new comic material. She asked Jon to turn on the non-existent air conditioning (AC bits are always KILLER!), and when he inevitably snapped, Victoria responded with "I'm just teasing! God! Have a sense of humor!" Jon then punched Victoria in the face, adding "Where's your sense of humor now, bitch?"

For those wondering, Victoria Fuller and her ventilation comedy will be playing the Primm Casino, NV from January 17 - 21.

Posted by B-side on December 23, 2004 1:17 AM