While Jonathan and Victoria went at it for the umpteenth time, Freddy and Kendra were first to arrive at the Detour, which was a choice between hauling a big-ass cannon or flinging watermelons with a catapault. The models opted for the brawn-centric choice while Gus and Hera, who arrived shortly after, went immediately for the watermelon. I won't even touch that one.

On the highway, Aaron and Hayden continued to have navigational issues. "Is this the exit?" Hayden asked as they glided past the proper exit. Maybe she should have asked the person who was holding the map. Oh wait. That was her. Okay, so maybe she's not so great with directions. It's not like she's on a TV show where she has to "find" places and use "maps" and employ some sort of a "directional sense."

Up at the Detour castle, the models were quick to finish their cannonball run, although not before Freddy urged Kendra to "Come on, Punky." Just when these two couldn't get any more annoying, they had to bust out the lame nicknames. We never did find out what Freddy's pet name was, but I'll just assume it was "Blandy". Nevertheless, the two received their next clue which was to head back by train to Budapest and locate the Net Klub internet cafe. We weren't sure what was in store for them there, but a preview shot showed an expectant Phil standing ominously in a webcam window. Oooh. Amazing Video Conferencing! Where could Phil be? A CBS reality host retreat? Julie Chen is SO greeting everyone at the door with dip. Probst is already on the couch, watching football, munching on Bugles.

The models may have been headed back to the big city, but some others hadn't even reached the Detour. Rebecca and Adam appeared to be at wits end trying to get their Trabant to function. Maybe Adam should have stopped changing gears without pressing the clutch. Either way, they soon found themselves on the shoulder of the highway, peddling their feminine wares for a bit of roadside assistance. Sadly for Adam, no burly trucker in need of some man loving was available, but an old guy did come over to help. "Some nice guy pulls over and does some voodoo spell on the engine," Rebecca explained as the Trabant purred back to life. Odds are that "voodoo spell" was called "releasing the emergency break". The formerly dating couple were soon back on the road though, and with Rebecca now at the wheel, Adam was reduced to making a most telling statement: "She's the king of the game." I just don't even know anymore with these two...

Lovebirds Jon and Victoria finally arrived at the Detour, and within seconds, not-carrying-her-own-weight Victoria was tugging the heavy part of the cannon up the hill. In a rare moment of defiance, she insisted that Jon be the man and take her more rigorous position, to which Jon responded that she be the woman and shut up. But even though Jon asked Victoria to be the woman, he couldn't resist being the bitch as he pestered Gus with schoolyard complaints like "You took our seats!" Gus simply replied with a dismissive wave and the succinct put down "Little bastard." Honestly, Jon should know better. You don't mess with a fat man doing manual labor. Oh, but Jon was relentless. Even after Gus bared his man tits again in a universal gesture that seemed to say "Go away. I'm not afraid to use these things," Jon still whined "That was MY flight!" I'm sorry, I forgot that every airline has two tickets reserved for Jonathan Baker on every flight. They really were his tickets. Gus should have been more thoughtful.

In the meantime though, while Jon bickered and yelled, we were able to take in yet another element of his mid-life crisis: the comb-over. We know Jon has a Ferrari (small dick, check) and a trophy pinup wife (small dick, double check) and an earring (miniscule dick bordering on fleshy thimble, check) and an undying need to boss everyone around (okay, it's a micro pee pee), but for the first time I realized why he sports that longish homeless 'do. He's got male pattern baldness. I suppose it's been there all this time, but I just noticed it this week. I'll be sure to point it out generously from here on in.

Of course, it's hard to focus on the hair when he's doing jackass things like prancing shirtless around the Detour with a tarp wrapped around his neck. Yes, that's exactly what Jon did in a display of "whimsy" and "humor." Apparently tarp comedy is the hot trend in Encino these days. In other news, Victoria has been bumped from the Primm Casino schedule to make room for Jonathan Baker and his Tarp ventriloquism act.

Elsewhere in Hungary, Kris and Jon smiled eagerly as their car broke down in the middle of the street. But not even the angry curses of local commuters could ruin these kids' spirits as they happily embraced their replacement car as if it were a Christmas present from Santa. Later, as they carried cannonballs, Kris chirped "Thank you for being so strong, baby." I'm sorry, I just got an instant cavity from their sugary sweetness. Equally peppy were Freddy and Kendra who had taken seats on the train to Budapest. Kendra had a hopeful gleam in her eyes that seemed to say "Oh, I hope we can research!"

On a later train, Jonathan cornered Gus and boasted "we are flawless runners. If we had been on your plane, we'd be in first." Shut up and put a shirt on.

Ambiguously gay duo Adam and Rebecca eventually showed up at the Detour, and without missing a beat, Adam had Rebecca bent over doggie style. "Be the Hungarian trucker. Be HIM!" he yelled. Actually, he didn't say that at all. But once again, I couldn't help wondering if their sex life sometimes sounded like this.

Posted by B-side on December 23, 2004 1:17 AM