Anyhoo, 10:30 AM finally arrived and teams lined up at a gate which promptly rose on the half hour. And then promptly fell about a second later... on Freddy's head. And, well, Hera's head too. Nurse Kendra quickly tended to her ailing model/fiancé with a customary "You okay, baby?" A woozy Freddy muttered something back, probably "I'm... bland... so very... very... bland." But no head injury could stop the models as they joined the other teams in pouncing on a little board with numbers on it. Like a pack of dogs, the teams literally wrestled on the ground for the best numbers, and well, when it comes to wrestling, Bolo's sort of got the upper hand - and deltoids, biceps, triceps, and laterals. When all the dust settled, Freddy took it upon himself to assert his toughness as he launched a tirade on whoever slammed the gate down on him. Uh, Freddy, that would be gravity. But no matter, Freddy was out for blood as he threatened "Whoever did that I will snap in two!" Yes, nothing's more lethal than an angry 35 year old male model! Especially one with no discernible muscle mass! Do I spot you trembling, Bolo?

Actually, Bolo was simply standing proudly with his #1 card while Jonathan of all people told Freddy to chill out. Wow, that's bad. That's like Hitler telling a despot to maybe tone it down a smidge. But I shouldn't be mean to Jonathan. After all, he was just playing an over the top character. Yes, that's Jonathan's latest excuse. Who would have thought he'd ever EVER claim that?

Meanwhile, the true nature of Freddy's pussiness came out when Hera gave him the old "Uh, the gate fell on my head too, but I'm not crying about it. And I'm a girl!" attitude. Nevertheless, I'm sure it did hurt. In fact, Freddie said "It felt like a bat on my face." At that point Victoria chimed in, saying "Oh, I hate that feeling. Jonathan always slams me with a Louisville Slugger and—" and then Jonathan silenced her with a bat to the face.

Amidst all this bawling, the race continued. Lori and Bolo had marker #1, so they were first to take a little rail vehicle to the next clue which featured the ever elusive Fast Forward. Pause for chorus of awe. We then cut to a subterranean Phil wandering around a dark, ominous, candlelit passage with an altar and a generally pagan-ish interior design. What are they gonna have to do? Drink blood? Oh wait. They really do have to do that. Well, if there's anyone who can chug a brandy glass of Type A cocktail, it's Lori and Bolo, and wouldn't you know it, they opted to go after the Fast Forward.

While the wrestlers went off to some vampirish libation saloon, the rest of the teams were sent to the Danube, or "D'noob" as Aaron called it. I'm partial to "Dah-nubé" or "Day-noo-bee". Wow, is this what I've come to? Making fun of someone's misguided pronunciation of the Danube? I really need to get a life. Besides, I could never be as funny as Bolo who managed to skewer Freddy quite effectively in the cab ride to the Fast Forward. Lesson learned: Lori and Bolo are way funnier when sleep deprived. And I feel like this is as good a moment as any to mention Bolo's regal last name: Dar'tainian. Was Bolo the lost spawn of some French nobility? Hmmm... I smell a reality version of King Ralph!

Aaaand... scene.

Anyway, teams all had to scurry to the next clue, which meant more taxi antics. Apparently the gate thwacking didn't shock any synapses into action as Freddy asked a cabbie the dense question, "The Danube River. Do you know what that is?" Come on. It's not like a stream behind some rocky outcropping. I half expected the driver to respond "Danube river? Never heard of it. But there is a giant waterway that crosses my country. I always call it the Big Rivery Thing. Probably not the same."

Everyone eventually made it to the next route marker where they received the next Detour: swim or paddle. Teams could either don a speedo and attempt to score on a professional water polo goalie, or they could inflate a raft and cross the mysterious Danube. Well, thanks to prolific CBS promos, we knew Gus wouldn't be opting for the speedo - thank god. However, he and Hera were the only team to brave the river wild. Everyone else went up against the goalie and seemed to score easily. Wow this was the worst goalie ever. Even Victoria managed to get the ball by him. Has the Hungarian water polo team ever blocked a ball? In other news, Estelle Getty has just single-handedly eliminated Team Budapest from the 2008 Olympic qualifying heats.

Over at the Fast Forward, Lori and Bolo fretted that their cabbie had gotten lost. "This doesn't look right," Lori scowled. I suppose her extensive knowledge of Hungarian geography and landmarks was kicking in. Eventually they found the labyrinthine caverns leading to their next task, and as their heads grazed the low ceiling, I was thankful that Freddie opted to eschew the Fast Forward, lest his noggin bump the rocks. "Who dropped the ceiling on me?!?! Whoever lowered the height of these caverns is going to get it!"

Nevertheless, Lori and Bolo downed their goblets of blood without complaint and received directions to the Pitstop. As usual Phil warned that the last team may be eliminated, but this time his ominous words were accentuated by a hostile man snapping a whip. So if you're last, you're eliminated AND flogged? Man, this show is getting harsh. Lori and Bolo obviously wound up checking in first, where the whip man yelled "WELCOME TO BUDAPEST!" Shhhhh! Use your Iron Curtain voice!

Posted by B-side on January 5, 2005 2:23 AM