Memo To Freddy: Soup Tastes Better Without Your Vomit In It - 
by B-side
While drinking human blood sounds unappetizing, it surely wasn't as bad as the 24 oz. Hungarian soup that racers had to consume during the Roadblock. Oh, and by the way, Phil was careful to mention that "This soup is extremely hot." Cut to a poor production assistant swallowing the Tabasco red stew with a pained look on his face as if to say "This was the wrong day to get hemorrhoids."
Kris and Jon arrived first, and as the big guy tackled his bowl of spicy soup, the scene became oddly Terry Gilliam-ish as a Hungarian band crowded around him oppressively. Honestly, give him a little space. The band's attention was soon re-directed onto Aaron who showed up next with great enthusiasm. Hayden of course contributed nothing except cold encouragement worthy of a DMV worker.
Jonathan and Victoria arrived outside the little restaurant in the usual tizzy, and upon reading the clue which was something cutesy like "Who wants to spice up their life?" (did the Amazing Race just quote the Spice Girls?), Jon immediately volunteered his wife. Cut to us in the TVgasm offices gearing up for some good ole spousal abuse. Sure enough, Jonathan did not disappoint. As Victoria struggled with her soup, Jonathan yelled "You're not doing it right!" I'm sorry, but I didn't realize soup ingestion required some sort of technical skill. It's not like she was raising her spoon to her eye.
As Jonathan became increasingly shrill, Aaron scoffed "Why didn't you do it, Jonathan?" to which he replied "She wanted to do it." Wow. If by "She wanted to do it" he meant "I was too big of a pussy", then yes, he was correct. Still, Jonathan continued to browbeat Victoria, especially once Rebecca arrived and housed EVERYONE. While Rebecca's soup consumption was impressive, my favorite part was her enthusiasm at the getgo which Aaron dispelled with a grim "I said that in the beginning too." Who knew that he had such capabilities to channel the grizzly tone of Jack Palance in "City Slickers"? And, well, "City Slicker's 2: The Legend of Curly's Gold", I suppose.
Soon Jon, Kris, Rebecca, and Adam were gone, leaving only Victoria and Aaron with their soup and their nutty partners. As Jon became more high strung, Victoria devolved into an illogical, teary mess. "There's a hair in my soup!" she squealed at one point. Did she want to send it back? Get a new bowl? Eventually V grabbed Jon's empty bowl and kicked off the inevitable portion of any food challenge: the copious vomiting. Through it all, the band played on, but vomit begat vomit and soon Aaron became queasy, eventually wretching all over his lap and the floor. It was so violent and unexpected that even the band came to a halt. Awkward...
Eventually Aaron and Victoria finished, and they joined the teams racing to the Pitstop. Freddy and Kendra arrived at the vomit palace next where even the steadfast musicians were beginning to hurl. Freddy seemed to be doing okay at first — the blow to the head had removed his ability to sense spice — but then Kendra unwisely pulled a "Oh look at the vomit on the floor!" and boom! Insta-boot! Luckily, the Amazing Race is a classy show and never shows vomit, but Freddie was sure to challenge that. You see, when it was his turn to spew his brains out, he sort of didn't aim at the floor. No, Freddy just returned his stomach contents into his soup bowl.
Yes, he had to eat his own vomit on national television.
Upon realizing this, Kendra reacted as if she were being shipped back to Senegal and convulsed with a series of gags. Way to stay strong! As we alternately laughed and cringed, Freddy valiantly scooped up his gooey puke and shoveled it back in his mouth. Tasty!
Meanwhile, the other teams scrambled up to the Pitstop, although not before Jonathan managed to berate a random old Hungarian lady for blocking the doorway to a tram-like vehicle. Apparently her slight frame posed a threat for Jonathan who would have had to sidestep (the horror!) in order to reach the door. She could have cost him the race! Just like that ticketing agent! And the taxi driver! And that guy on the other side of the street who coughed and made Jonathan look over there and slow down his pace for two seconds! Why can't someone think of Jonathan for once. Dammit!
Jon and Kris arrived chez Phil in second place, followed by our domestic abusers, and then Hayden and Aaron. Upon arriving, Aaron was sweet enough to kiss Hayden on the lips. I suppose she's really attracted to Tobasco/vomit breath. Adam and Rebecca somehow lost their huge lead and wound up in fifth place while Freddy and Kendra slipped in at sixth.
And oh yeah, Gus and Hera. Well, sadly their Danube crossing turned out to be a lengthy affair. The producers did their best to make it look like they were launching some massive come from behind upset over Freddy and Kendra, but it just wasn't in the cards. To Gus's credit, he did power through that soup, but then again, did anyone think he wouldn't? After he was done, I sort of expected him to say "That was some nice soup. Now what's the Roadblock?" Sadly, Team Slow and Steady finally ran out of gas, and we lost yet another affable team. If Kris and Jon fall next, I might just cry. Well, maybe I'll just rant on this site. Or, you know, make another King Ralph reference. Either way, it could be very embarrassing.
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Comments
Next week I'm going to have to close my office door before reading the recap. I was laughing so much, people were peeking in to see what was so funny. I told them, "You had to be there." Thanks B-side for a good laugh to start my day.
Posted by: CaliGirlinGA | January 5, 2005 6:23 AM(#1 of 29)
And what about the great comment on the ancient skyline of Budapest:
"it's just like Disneyland, only real!"
Posted by: bwallace | January 5, 2005 7:34 AM(#2 of 29)
Always worth visiting. U-Da'-man. ^5's
Question for Tivo owners: Was that a Pit Stop they showed Hayden and Aaron standing next to during the previews for next week? It sure looked like it, with that weird box thingy-on-a-stick standing next to them.
What I'm wondering is: If they're at the pit stop and Aaron is trying to kiss Hayden, yet she turns away does that mean:
A) They won, and she's mad because he calls her a "bitch" during the race -- and he's trying to show-via-the-kiss that, "well, we can kiss and make it all better because we won...despite me calling you a bitch."
B) They are eliminated, and she's mad because he calls her a "bitch" during the race -- and he's trying to show-via-the-kiss that, "well, we can kiss and make it all better because even though we lost, we love one another and now I'll kiss her and show the TVgasm visitors that love." And she gives him the cold shoulder.
In sum I need answers to:
Pitstop?
Won?
Eliminated?
Guesses anyone?
(Oh, wait, can anyoine tell if he's smiling when he goes to kiss her and does that signify anything?)
Posted by: Elvis,The King of Kings | January 5, 2005 7:40 AM(#3 of 29)
Freddy had to eat his own vomit on national tv. I got one of my new years wishes fulfilled. Now if only Jonathan could fall into a volcano...
Posted by: Scott Spot | January 5, 2005 7:44 AM(#4 of 29)
I nearly hurled by spicy soup reading this morning. Great work, TVG!
Posted by: ModFab | January 5, 2005 8:09 AM(#5 of 29)
Great commentary once again.. I am hooked... I couldnt wait to read it this morning.. especially after the "look at the vomit" comment from Kendra, what an idiot...
And, I guess they didnt use the Olympic Water Polo team for the detour... that guy was the worst goalie I have seen.. it would have been great if he had just swatted the ball right back at Jon kinda like in the Ben Stiller, Meet the Parents volleyball scene...
Posted by: RockHound | January 5, 2005 10:17 AM(#6 of 29)
"That was some nice soup. Now what's the Roadblock?" BWAH!
Posted by: Jane | January 5, 2005 10:39 AM(#7 of 29)
Uh, Lori and Bolo drank pig's blood, not human blood. That would be cannibalistic, and sort of illegal.
Posted by: pug | January 5, 2005 10:40 AM(#8 of 29)
I thought for sure ol' Phil would whip out the non-elimination round to spare Gus and Hera, who became the only remotely likeable non 'dating/models' team left after sexy senior citizens Don and MJ got the boot. Kris & Jon seem cool enough, and Hayden's boobs are worth rooting for, but both teams (and boobs) sort of benefit unfairly in the likability department from the unamimous loathsomeness of everyone else left in the race. Looks like AR6 has fallen to the same casting curse as Survivor Vanuatu. Serves Phil right for aping Probst's fashion sense with that silver necklace thingie.
Posted by: jack | January 5, 2005 10:45 AM(#9 of 29)
pug - thanks for the correction. makes way more sense now...
I guess I shouldn't chatter over Phil's instructions so much.
Posted by: b-side | January 5, 2005 10:53 AM(#10 of 29)
Did anyone else notice the bruising on Victoria's arms? Looked like fingerprints. Maybe it's just stage-makeup put there by J & V in order to make their "characters" seem more real.
Posted by: Caroline | January 5, 2005 11:21 AM(#11 of 29)
Great stuff again. I watch the show and cant wait til tomorrow to see what u guys will say. Definetely not work friendly. I hope you guys get Dan Rather's job....
Posted by: marc rice | January 5, 2005 11:25 AM(#12 of 29)
What about when Bolo was arguing with Lori for not being excited that they were in first place? "You're always such an optimist!" Lori says that that's just how she was raised.
68, 69...80
Posted by: bowling moms | January 5, 2005 11:30 AM(#13 of 29)
I too loved the Disneyland reference. It's like the makers of Budapest ripped off Walt Disney!! Just like those bastards in Italy that ripped off The Venetian Hotel!!
Posted by: drew | January 5, 2005 11:59 AM(#14 of 29)
B, I can't agree with you more about if Kris/John get eliminated next. I loved when Lori tackled/hugged and bit Phil's ear at the finish. A screeshot of Phil wiping off Lori's cooties would be hot. Gus/Hera: farewell affable team. Did anyone else think that Adam was going to threaten to throw himself into the "D'ynube" when Rebecca was rebuffing him?
Posted by: mick | January 5, 2005 12:11 PM(#15 of 29)
Yay! That made me laugh so hard I cried and couldn't read the screen so I had to take a break.
...Why did I say "Yay!"
Anyways, amazing recap as always.
Posted by: Pat | January 5, 2005 12:37 PM(#16 of 29)
"Teams then had to sit in a chair, a common device used to alleviate stress on the legs, the traditional limbs used for standing in the human race."
I could SO hear Phil's voice in my head...
And did you notice that at the gate, gravity was not Freddy's friend, but during the Vomit-O-Rama, he should have been thanking GOD for gravity?? Ironic, no?
I don't usually laugh out loud, but you've gone above and beyond on this review. I just wish we could find out during filming where they will be and send you to be a random cab driver. Ah the images running through my head...
Posted by: eyeroller | January 5, 2005 1:34 PM(#17 of 29)
I, too, am going to have to stop reading your AR recaps at work -- people are starting to wonder.
Team Slow and Steady (a name that I totally borrowed from you over on my site, btw) will be missed because while I like Kris & Jon, they are just a little too damned cheery.
P.S. Is that "bowling moms" as in THE Bowling Moms? Wow. :-)
Posted by: Maura | January 5, 2005 1:38 PM(#18 of 29)
Anyone know where I can get a screenshot of Jon in the speedo???
I want to lick him!
Posted by: Nate | January 5, 2005 2:34 PM(#19 of 29)
If only I could break up the teams I would match Rebecca with Aaron. That's a couple I could root for.
Posted by: America's Next Top Fan | January 5, 2005 5:57 PM(#20 of 29)
Another excellent recap B-side but I need HELP!
I'm hoping you or (someone else out there with a TIVO) can tell me if the last instuctions were to ride up the funicular(sic), train car what have you? to the pitstop. Hayden and Aaron and I think it was Kendra and Freddie ran up the steps. I thought that they might have been charged with a time penalty or made to redo it and therefore Gus and Hera wouldn't be eliminated?
Posted by: Retroqueen | January 5, 2005 7:38 PM(#21 of 29)
They were given the option of taking the funicular or heading up by foot...
Posted by: b-side | January 5, 2005 8:17 PM(#22 of 29)
I have to work the nights AR comes on, and sadly do not have tivo/dvr.
but its okay, i just read these recaps and laugh away.
great job guys.... even better than high speed AOL
Posted by: Curlypacks | January 6, 2005 6:52 AM(#23 of 29)
I too had several laugh out loud moments during your recap.
I'm surprised you didn't mention Lori's response to drinking the blood: "It didn't taste like blood." Whaaa?
And I never laughed/gagged/cried so much as when I watched the best moment of the week, that dumb girl says to Freddie "Your doing so good, look at the vomit over there" followed by immediate chunks. So gross. And the spoon with the slime, my stomach churns as I type...
Posted by: smithie | January 6, 2005 4:48 PM(#24 of 29)
JEEPERS!
You are hilarious. I especially enjoyed the "Teams then had to sit in a chair, a common device used to alleviate stress on the legs, the traditional limbs used for standing in the human race" line.
I too am sad that team Slow and Steady got booted off.
Anyone else think that Hayden looks like she could be Aaron's mom?
Keep up the good work!
Posted by: Jason | January 6, 2005 7:25 PM(#25 of 29)
These recaps are absolutely hilarious. I so look forward to them. Jon is unbelievable. He didn't even hold Victoria's hair back when she puked. So, when do you think they will be making their debut on Oprah?
Posted by: voo | January 7, 2005 5:19 AM(#26 of 29)
Oh so many things to say, but it looks like you covered it here.
1 thing though, that was one of the grossest things I've ever seen in my life with the whole puke in the bowl thing. Me & my gf both screamed and hid our heads under our pillows. SO DISGUSTING. They should do that on Fear Factor.
Ok, more then 1 thing. Aaron is more than welcom to date me and dump Hayden. They make no sense together. He's nice, she's not. He's hot, she's not even close.
p.s. why did they have so many glasses of blood? Only 2 people were going to drink it anyway?
Posted by: Genevieve | January 7, 2005 11:30 AM(#27 of 29)
I picked a very bad episode to watch on Tuesday. Watching them try to consume the soup was so absolutely disgusting that it made me gag. Good thing I wasn't eating anything at the time. And to think I thought watching people drink the pig's blood was going to be the grossest part of the show. I hate watching people barf on TV. Why do they think people enjoy watching that? Someone please tell "The Amazing Race" to stop making people eat large quantities of food. There are starving people in Asia.
Posted by: Lisa | January 8, 2005 4:44 PM(#28 of 29)
B-side, you very nearly made me pee my pants. Well done.
Posted by: wheatjumper | January 11, 2005 7:09 AM(#29 of 29)