Teams were first sent off to the town of Borudvar - or "Buddha F-ck" as they uniformly pronounced it (one or two modest teams were kind enough to simply say "Buddha Fock" — clearly big fans of Ben Stiller in-law comedy). As teams scampered to the location, we were privy once again to Victoria's delusions as she explained "I'm not the type of girl that needs someone to hold my hand and be overly affectionate," which is good because she's, you know, a battered wife. But seriously, according to Victoria, she and Jonathan just have a unique relationship: "We always seem to kiss and makeup." And then, you know, he gives her a love beating. You wouldn't understand. It's special.

Meanwhile, Hayden established herself as Cranky McBitchalot this episode as she adopted a sour frown from the getgo. Before anything had even happened, Aaron leaned in for a kiss, causing his mongrel teammate to scowl away as if he had extreme halitosis issues (which is not entirely out of the question following last week's Hungarian soup debacle). Somebody call Red Lobster. Looks like Hayden's throwing CrabFest 2005.

Elsewhere, Rebecca was babbling again about how she loves Adam but she's not in love with him. "I do love Adam, but that's not enough to make a relationship work," she explained. Yeah, it's hard to get a relationship to work, and that whole thing about him being gay is NOT helping. Good god, how many times are they going to set me up for this joke?

Teams eventually made their way to Buddha Fudge where they discovered the next clue would not be available until 10 AM the next morning. Time to make like a bum and sleep in the streets again! Some chiropractor is making a shitload off this show. The next day, teams scurried into a winery where they braved low ceilings to get to the next route marker. Amazingly, Freddy managed to safely navigate the corridors without hitting his melon once. Rumor has it he wore a hard hat just in case. Yes, a hard hat. Made of stupidity.

Around this time Phil popped up on our screens to alert us that everyone would now be making their way to Corsica, aka Still Europe. There they would have to find Napoleon's (Bonaparte, not Dynamite) childhood home and receive a clue from - OH MY GOD - Napoleon himself!!! Oh wait, no, that was just an impersonator. Or at least I hope so. If people in Corsica dress like that normally, I'd be a little alarmed.

Teams all hopped in cabs for the airport. Ever the international communicator, Hayden flapped her hands as she said "Take us to the airline." Apparently she was planning on riding a flock of doves and hummingbirds to Corsica. Kris and Jon, meanwhile, found themselves calling for tickets ahead of time, all from inside a random veterinarian clinic. Even more bizarre was that the vet allowed the two to use a phone inside the examination room —  during an examination. Another reason why vets make bad gynecologists.

Later at the airport, Adam complained that Rebecca had been treating him like a kid by not allowing him to purchase tickets. He then added "But I wanna do it!!!" and then wailed until Rebecca gave him his Five Alive juice box. Amazingly, Adam accused Rebecca of being dramatic (the most dramatic person EVER, I believe was the actual label), and to prove just how dramatic she was, he went off to a bench and sulked. When asked later why he was being so dramatic, Adam explained "I know you are, but what am I?"

Outside the airport, Jonathan was giving himself props for visiting a travel agent ahead of time. "I can outthink them," he said, immediately focusing on his new chief rivals, Lori and Bolo. Look, outthinking Lori and Bolo does not correlate to success. Just about the only thing that can't outthink them are Lori's implants, and even that I'm not so sure about. Still, Jonathan felt threatened by the wrestlers. "I'm looking at her [Lori] with her masculine voice," he said... in his effeminate voice.

Aside from the occasional drama flare ups from Adam, all seemed to go well for everyone at the airport — except for Kris and Jon. Even though they had made reservations under the watchful eye of a shaggy dog at the veterinarian clinic, the airline no longer could honor their booking. The show cut to commercial as we worried, "Is this curtains for our last tolerable team?" Silly us! Upon returning from the break, the airline employee announced that he could give them tickets, but they had to be... PAPER TICKETS! Oh the horror! The airline guy recoiled as he removed the vile specimens with protective tongs and handed them to the ugly Americans. Meanwhile, Jon and Kris grabbed their tickets as if they were diamond encrusted and boarded the plane.

Posted by B-side on January 12, 2005 9:05 AM