Well, last night was the night that avid viewers of Amazing Race 6 have been waiting for: the proud elimination of Jonathan and Victoria. We'll spare the "Ding Dong the Witch Is Dead" jokes — mostly because it creates an odd metaphor, what with Jonathan being a male and all — but that won't deter us from reveling in this heinous couple's donkey-induced failure. I could not be more happy that Jonathan Baker met an untimely end in the competition, and I hope his dreams are tormented with "What ifs", "If onlys", and little trolls singing Christmas songs - you know, for variety.

Jonathan and Victoria — a.k.a. Team JV (damn, wish I had thought of that earlier) — started off well on the series, but last episode, their momentum seemed to peter out as they barely survived a foot race to fifth place. While they lagged behind, their occasional arch rivals, Adam and Rebecca, used a Fast Forward to secure first place. Therefore, kicking off this week's show were none other than Adam and Rebecca — or "Rebecker", as Phil calls her — who were directed to the French city of Nice (rhymes with "niece". Actually, sounds exactly like "niece"... unless you're Bolo, in which case it sounds like "nice") where they were to find a bust of Albert the First. In usual Amazing Race fashion, the teams needed to wait another dozen hours for the next ferry to Nice, which meant there would be plenty of downtime... downtime for Kendra to propose her favorite activity: research! I swear, if this woman babbles about research any more, I'll... I'll... honestly, I don't know what I'll do. Probably sneer and cross my arms. That'll show her.

Jonathan meanwhile blinded audiences nationwide with a shirtless recitation of the first clue. Honestly, it was like watching a flabby brillo pad leading a morning assembly. Luckily, he soon covered up his unsightly torso, and while he and Victoria went off to yell and beat each other, Hayden and Aaron - who had finished last on a non-elimination leg - set off on the humbling task of begging for money (or "bay-gging" as Hayden said it). As usual, the little money twist had no effect on the race as Hayden and Aaron quickly gathered the Euros for a ride on the coolest looking ferry EVER.

As teams descended on Nice, the bizarre accents popped up left and right. Everyone pretty much pulled a Charla and added some strange European touches to English words, as if that would help the French speakers. Victoria was guiltiest of this misguided tactic as she ordered a cabbie to drive to the "statchoo" (statue). To her credit, she did try her hand at French vocab, but her pronunciation was so mangled that she might as well have been talking jibberish (She pronounced "arrête" like "areety").

Anyway, the next clue told the kids to get packing for Addis Ababa, the capital of Ethiopia. And that plunking noise was the sound of Kendra's heart sinking. Yes, another trip to that most dreaded of places: Africa. "It's gonna be depressing and Third World. We just went to the Third World," she complained. She then threw out her new T-Shirt: "I Survived the Third World and I'm Never Going Back!!!"

Also having difficulty with this course change was Bolo, but only because he simply could not pronounce "Addis Ababa." Hearing Bolo read is funny enough, but throw in some crazy Ethiopian geography, and it's like taking a self-guided tour through the sounds "ad" "ab" "ah" and "ba".

While Bolo navigated through his very own phonetic hall of mirrors, Jonathan and Victoria had - shocker - another meltdown. You see, at the top of the show, Jonathan said the team would get back to basics: Victoria would handle the groundwork, and he would handle the airports. This all changed, however, when Victoria led them to a travel agent whose computer system happened to be down. "From now on, this is my part!" Jonathan barked, as if Victoria had had some control over the situation. Way to be logical Jonathan. To be fair, Victoria did ignore the business's name, "Broken Computer Travel Agency."

At the airport, Bolo and Lori made a reservation at one desk, wandered off to scope out better flights, and then returned to book their original flight. The only catch was that upon return, a little line had formed. No problem though. Lori and Bolo simply skipped ahead and completed their transaction, much to the chagrin of acid-tongued Kendra who busted out her usual "barbarians" insult. She then added that she was "actually getting sick" of the wrestlers' antics. Oooh. She's "actually getting sick" of them! She then added "I'm presently annoyed! And I am currently changing my state to exasperated! Barbarians!"

Nevertheless, the wrestlers snagged the first flight out to a Rome layover (Barbarians in Gaul headed to Rome? The fall of the Empire is nigh!!!). Bolo made sure to dismiss his caveman image by stomping down the jetway as if to say "Me Bolo. Me walk on giant bird." He then bopped his head on the plane's door frame, and no that wasn't one of my little embellishments. Bolo hit head. Bolo sad now.

The key is to duck before the door frame, not after.

Posted by B-side on January 19, 2005 3:02 AM