The episode began with Lynn and Alex happily bounding out of the Pitstop first. The two boasted about their gigantic lead, noting that they were hours ahead of Rob and Amber, their arch rivals. Thankfully, if history has taught us anything, it's that teams never have a chance to catch up on the Amazing Race. And yes, that was sarcasm. Alex and Lynn losing their lead was about as inevitable as the two of them happily embracing over the Spring Sale at Banana Republic.

Anyway, the guys headed out to Cabaña La Guatana, a horse ranch that promised to faithfully provide a time crunch, and sure enough, the establishment didn't open until 6:30 AM. The good news for Alex and Lynn was that they only had to wait thirty minutes instead of the customary twelve hours. Meanwhile, Uchenna and Joyce left the Pitstop next, but they soon became lost on the back roads of Argentina. Yes, navigation proved to be difficult for the beleaguered couple as Uchenna commented, "It's like giving birth, man." He then added, "Not that we'd know. Have I mentioned that we're childless?"

Speaking of broken records (okay, to be fair, Uchenna and Joyce are really not very broken-record-ish), Ron and Kelly soon showed up on the screen. Our favorite POW —  or F-POW, as I like to call him (note that I will never call him that again) — said that he and the little lady had no long term alliances with the other teams. "Coming from the military, you're used to being able to trust people," he said immediately. Is there anything he can't relate to the military? "So I was watching the Golden Girls last night, and when the gals were all digging into some cheesecake, I couldn't help thinking of the unsavory desserts we were served in the military. Incidentally, my commanding officer's name was B. Arthur." I just made that entire line up, but I hate Ron even more now.

At 6:30 AM, the ranch opened up, allowing Lynn and Alex to grab the next clue. Turns out this was home to the next roadblock. Someone had to mount a horse and then perform a traditional gaucho activity: ride through a course of barrels and then "spear a ring", all under forty seconds. Doesn't sound very intense, but keep in mind that "ring" is Argentinean slang for "small child."

Alex opted to do the Roadblock, and as Lynn served as a cheerleader on the sidelines, we received a glimpse into what their most intimate moments might sound like: "Faster! Faster! Faster! [pause] Alex, that was so close. You missed it by one sec." Joyce meanwhile said that since she'd ridden a horse once, she could take care of the challenge. She headed to the stable to pick out a steed, and when she found one that she liked, she cooed that he seemed nice. This was then followed with the patented Amazing Race slow-mo of doom. I guess Joyce will be biting it in a few minutes.

Sure enough, Joyce managed to pick what appeared to be the sole rodeo bronco in the mix. The horse immediately reared up on its hind legs, sending Joyce tumbling to the ground multiple times. Well, so much for that baby.

Lynn and Alex eventually finished the Roadblock and received the next clue. Teams were to get on one of two flights heading to Buenos Aires. Once there, they'd have to go to a park and find a shady man wearing all black. Not sure who the guy was, but he appeared to be a strange mixture of Zorro and The Undertaker. Either way, I was pretty sure he wanted to murder all the teams.

Ron and Kelly meanwhile arrived at the Roadblock, ready to kick some Iraqi ass. Kelly volunteered to do this challenge, causing Ron to tell the locals, "Yesterday I ate crap. Today she gets to ride a horse. Just want y'all to know that." He then added, "By the way, I was a POW. Just want y'all to know that too."

While Ron and Kelly were horsin' around at the Roadblock (nice pun, right? That would have won an Emmy had it come out of Sarah Jessica Parker's mouth), Rob and Amber were lost on the roads with the Brohans behind them. For once, Rob and Amber appeared to be genuinely alarmed, and they seemed ready to ask "Where's that nice guy from CBS to help me?" Well, luckily, they managed to stumble upon the ranch and disaster was averted. The brothers arrived shortly after, with Greg happily chirping "Good job, B! Good job, B!" You know these bros must love their initials. Especially Greg, whose friends I'm sure constantly shower him with "Whatup, G?" I'm also willing to bet his Friendster profile is littered with several "G Love and Special Sauce" puns. Or at least a few shout outs to G-Unit. If this were a sitcom, a cute little girl would enter and say "Still talking about his initials? Gee whiz!" Then we'd cut to commercial as the audience claps.

By the way, speaking of Friendster, feel free to become TVgasm's friend.

Posted by B-side on March 23, 2005 4:02 PM