Anyway, as Rob dealt with the horsies, Amber continued to marvel at their ability to find the ranch. "Somebody's watching over us. That's for sure," she guffawed. Yeah, I think that "somebody" is CBS. Our conspiracy theory grew stronger as Rob completed the course with a time of "Perfect!" Normally, I'd just assume that meant he finished the Roadblock under forty seconds, but since I have my Drudge Report cap on, I'll just put it out there that we didn't see his time because they gave him a free pass. JUST SAYING.

Meanwhile, over at the airport, all the teams thus far had boarded the first plane leaving for Buenos Aires. Well, everyone had boarded except Rob and Amber. Even the brothers had managed to get on -- and with just three minutes to spare. Surely the Survivor vets would be stuck on the second flight leaving five hours later! I mean, the cabin door was closed and ready to go. As the entire plane buzzed with anti-Ramber sentiments ("Survive THAT!" said one team vindictively), the mood suddenly turned somber as the couple boarded at the last second. Well, that was very generous of CBS to hold the plane for them. Honestly, they could have been halfway to Buenos Aires, and I think CBS would have had the plane turn around for its reality darlings. "It's funny how we always go from fifth to first," said an aw-shucks Rob. It is funny. Some might say uncanny. Others might even say "planned".

As for the other three teams, Ray and Deana left the Pitstop first, taking special time to bash the "oldsters." Honestly, if you're so concerned about the old people beating you, maybe you shouldn't have quit during the last Roadblock. Nevertheless, Ray and Deana arrived at the Roadblock and immediately encountered problems with the horses. Actually, it wasn't so much the horses as it was Deana. She seemed afraid to spur the horse, lest it buck her from its back and trample her to death on national television. While she toiled, Meredith, Gretchen, Susan, and Patrick hit the pavement in search of the ranch. They both encountered a street performer who juggled conveniently amidst the traffic. Gretchen was immediately sympathetic to his plight, noting how he's probably saving up for college (or, you know, food). "God bless them," she said in her warbly voice. Susan expressed her sympathy in a much more succinct way: a car honk. I would have preferred her to stick her head out the window and yell "Get outta the way, dipshit!" and then maybe add a "Fuggedaboutit!"

At the Roadblock, Meredith made quick work out of the obstacle course, causing his beloved to come running with open arms and marveling "What a gaucho you are! What a gaucho you are!" Methinks this gaucho's gonna be getting some pampas lovin' tonight! Deana meanwhile struggled with her equine counterpart. "Oh Lord please!" she cried as she tried to spur her horse into action. Okay, let's not be too dramatic here Deana. It's not like you were just shot in the abdomen.

Finally Ray figured out a way to motivate Deana and the horse. He took off his shirt. Huh? It seemed to work. I suppose the sight of his pasty white skin frightened the beast into action. Actually, in reality, I think Ray and Deana tied their shirts onto her feet and -- never mind. I'm bored already.

Elsewhere in the Roadblock, the increasingly obnoxious Patrick snapped at his mom when she tried to help him out. "Hey Mom. Let's try being quiet," he seethed with a heaping load of passive aggression. "I want you to stop before we have an embarrassing moment," he then added. I don't understand. Do they pee their pants when they argue? Luckily, said embarrassing moment was avoided, although Patrick still managed to sound like an idiot as he hobbled away complaining "My crotch hurts." If a horse kicked him in the groin and CBS missed it, I will be very VERY upset.

With the final three teams all completing the Roadblock, there was nothing left for them to do but wait at the airport for the 2:30 PM flight. The mood went from mildly competitive to disturbing when Susan and Patrick walked in, causing Gretchen to toot, "We're still here! The menage-à-trois!" Oh man. That's the last image I want to have. Gretchen then went on to add, "Yes, we're a mighty threesome! We're like a double-ended dildo, except with a third end! Oooooh!"

Meanwhile, in Buenos Aires, the first plane landed and wouldn't you know it? Rob and Amber were out in front. After receiving the clue from the scary man in the park, teams were then told to find the docks at Le Tigre. No, they weren't going to a fashion outlet. Le Tigre is actually a town in Argentina. Rob took a page from Charla as he asked for directions in English but with a Spanish accent. Must have done him well because he found the train station pretty quickly. And so did everyone else. On the ride over to the town, Lynn and Alex remarked that Ramber's like an STD. The best thing they can do is protect themselves. Does this mean that if you have sex, Rob and Amber will appear? Because that would be really uncool.

Posted by B-side on March 23, 2005 4:02 PM