Anyway, teams not wanting to do the Fast Forward could instead opt for the Detour which was a choice between Tunnels or Tribes. In Tunnels, teams had to go spelunking in some caves (well, I guess that's redundant. It's not like you spelunk in a tree) to find the next clue. In Tribes, teams had to go to a cultural village and bring various items to the tribes who live there. Most teams headed off to the caves, but Lynn and Alex decided to hit up the cultural village. As they pulled out of the airport, Lynn remarked "I'm so glad Johannesburg is a real city. I was so afraid it would be chickens and camels and whatever." I guess Lynn hadn't been to J-Burg's famed Chicken and Camel District.

The good news for us viewers was that Ray and Deana decided to go after the Fast Forward. I'm always up for anything that might send Deana to a dark, frightening death. Oh, I shouldn't say that. I'm sure she's a lovely woman. Still, it'll be cool to see her shake like a dry leaf up there. Sweetening the deal was news that Ramber would be going for the Fast Forward as well. Excellent! This means that at least one asshole team will be screwed. Oh, but then again, logic told us that this was just a non-elimination round, so we shouldn't get our hopes up too high. This of course begs the question: why put a Fast Forward on a non-elimination leg?

While we pondered these questions, Ray and Deana arrived at the cooling towers first, and holy shit this task is scary. I need a safety harness just to watch it. Amazingly, Rob and Amber arrived about ten minutes later and instead of turning around and heading for the Detour, they simply suited up, desperately hoping that Gorilla and Gazelle might give up on the challenge.

I guess you could call this daunting.

Meanwhile, over at the cultural village, Lynn and Alex were having a ball delivering items to the indigenous tribes. Enjoyable awkwardness ensued when a Zulu warrior pretended to stab Lynn and Alex. The two guys recoiled violently before exhaling in relief as they discovered their lives were not, in fact, in danger. It kind of felt like some deleted scene from The Birdcage.

Over at the caves, Ron and Kelly suited up for some groping in the dark. A woman tightened a harness around Ron's groin, and as he smiled happily, she gave an extra tug, certainly providing him with an insta-wedgie. I suppose it wasn't that significant of a scene, but anytime someone gets it in the balls, you've gotta laugh.

Back at the Fast Forward, Rob and Amber went crazy as they deliberated whether or not to stay or go to the Detour. I was personally amused at the tech crew outfitting the duo with harnesses and helmets. No, Rob didn't get a wedgie like Ron, but while Amber was talking, some guy shoved a helmet onto her head, causing her hat to smother her face. They might as well have put a bucket over her head. Nevertheless, while Amber adjusted her hat, Rob implored her to make a decision for once: stay or leave? Amber simply looked at her fiancé blankly, as if to say "You do realize I got to where I am now by flying under the radar, right? I don't do decisions. Tee hee!"

Hey, let's check back in on the other teams. Let's see, Ron and Kelly were crawling around in the caves. So were Brian and Gregg. Uchenna and Joyce were lost on the road again, and Lynn and Alex were greeting cows, literaly. Meanwhile, Meredith and Gretchen built a case for age limits on drivers licenses as the two wound up motoring down the wrong side of the road. After a near head-on collision, Gretchen cooed that after this commute, the spelunking would be a walk in the park. Or at least a walk, trip, and head wound in the park. But more on that later.

With Ray and Deana successfully completing the Fast Forward, Ramber was left with no other option than to find the Detour. Unfortunately for them, they became lost; so they stopped by a Soweto hospital to get some directions and hopefully 10cc's of help from CBS (technically, the conspiracy theory was that CBS wanted to ensure Ramber would be in the first four episodes, so based on that, they're on their own now —  if you believe the rumor at all). Just when we thought Rob and Amber were finally hitting tough times, wouldn't you know it? All the nurses and doctors recognize them from Survivor and leap to their aid. "These guardian angels along the way helped us so much because they recognize us," explained Amber. Um, I think it's less guardian angels and more like star-struck angels. I mean, the whole idea behind "guardian angels" is that some random event happens and you benefit from it. It's not very random to receive help if you're the star of a worldwide hit show. And if I may hop on my soapbox for a moment, although Rob and Amber make terrific TV and certainly have added a great element into the mix this season, at the end of the day, they do sort of have an unfair advantage over other teams simply because of their celebrity. Some might argue that their celebrity also makes them the target of animosity, but, well, we've yet to see that play a factor. Who knows, maybe a Yield will have me eating my words.

Posted by B-side on March 31, 2005 12:49 AM