Down in the caves, Brian and Greg slithered through some tight crevasses and took the moment to reflect on some childhood memories. "If you can't handle me stuffin' you in a sleeping bag when you were little," started one of them before trailing off. Man, these guys are such brothers. I kind of feel badly bashing them. They seem so happy and nice, especially with all their brotherly fist bumps. Later, as they emerged from the caves, one of them pointed out the oily gunk on their faces from crawling around underground. "Spelunking war paint," one said, causing the other to reply "You look like Braveheart, dude." Yes, he did look like Braveheart, assuming Braveheart had fallen into a cave.

Meanwhile, Lynn and Alex were still running around their tribes. I wasn't quite sure what was taking them so long, but at least they seemed to be having a good time. Upon arriving at a bright, clean, and colorful tribe, the guys noted that it was like the "Beverly Hills of the villages." Well, minus all the wealth and opulence. But that's okay. I can appreciate the analogy.

Meredith and Gretchen finally arrived at the caves, and as our plucky grandma lowered into the abyss, she called out "Goodbye cruel world!" Technically, if we were to take her joke seriously, was she implying that she was going down to hell? Surely I thought she'd be heading to the Pearly Gates, but I guess Gretchen has some skeletons in her closet. I don't know this for sure, but I'm just gonna say it anyway: double homicide.

While the old fogeys descended to the subterranean depths, Ray and Deana checked in at the Pit Stop, winning two Toyota Rav 4s in the process. Yes, check out your shiny new cars. They're just over there, next to the impoverished household struggling to put food on the table. Anyway, the two winners seemed quite happy, but I couldn't help noticing Deana's Quasimodo-ish stature as she stood hunched over with her right eye half closed and twitching. I half expected her to go running off in search of a church bell to ring.

Ray and the Hunchback of The Amazing Race

Back at the caves, Meredith and Gretchen emerged sans clue. They mistakenly thought that if they had crawled all the way through, they'd receive the clue. But no. The clues were underground. "Imagine if we fell here," said Meredith cockily before returning to the cave. Yes. Imagine. Well, about two seconds later, we saw Gretchen's head disappear behind a rock followed by what sounded like a pigeon dying. Turns out Gretchen had taken a nasty spill. Gretchen down! Gretchen down! The paramedics soon swooped in and we saw Gretchen in all her bloody glory. Honestly, she looked like a horror show as blood streamed down her face. "I've been wanting a face lift for a long time, " she said happily, causing Meredith to reply "Face lift? But I thought we agreed you'd do your boobs first, honey. Oh, you were joking? Um, never mind."

Well, the medics soon wrapped Gretchen up like a mummy and sent her packing. As she and Meredith headed for Soweto, she feared that she wouldn't be presentable for the market. So self conscious! Just because your head is wrapped in bandages, you've got dried blood on your face, and your shirt is covered with grease doesn't mean that you'll stick out. Check that. She'll look like an escaped mental patient. That's okay. I know how she felt. When I had my wisdom teeth taken out, I went into the pharmacy to get my painkillers, and with dried blood on my lips and cheeks rapidly swelling at an alarming pace, I kind of looked like a cannibal about to blow chunks. Needless to say, talking to the old lady at the pharmacy was incredibly embarrassing.

Meanwhile, Ron and Kelly and Brian and Greg finished up the Roadblock and headed to the orphanage to deliver the goods. The children screamed with delight as teams entered, but they were particularly happy to see Brian and Greg who ran in there as if they were rock stars. It was a sweet moment, even if it was a tad silly on the brothers' part. Outside the orphanage, Ron and Kelly got directions to the Pit Stop which was by a scenic overlook of... a mangy field and some dilapidated houses? Okay, it wasn't the prettiest place, but it was the former residence of Nelson Mandela, and that's got to count for something. Anyway, after getting directions from a local, Kelly raised her hand up in a "gimme five, up high!" gesture that was sadly not returned immediately, causing that awkward moment everyone dreads as your arm just dangles in the air. I half expected Kelly to bark "Come on, bro. Don't leave me hangin'! Show a sister some love!" Sadly, this didn't happen, but the guy did put her out of her misery, giving her a lame pity high-five.

High five! High five! Come on, this is getting awkward. High five!

The former beauty queen and POW arrived at the Pit Stop second where Phil chided them by saying "I've seen you guys look cleaner." Sorry PHIL. I guess they forgot to take a shower in between the transatlantic flight and the greasy cave spelunking. Besides, if he wants dirty, all he has to do is wait for Gretchen, aka Mummy Dearest.

Back at the market, dimwitted Amber seemed unable to locate any of the items on her Roadblock list. Yes, it can be so hard to find toys and shirts and towels in a market. They are such rare commodities. Luckily for her, another one of those "guardian angels" found her and offered help. Wow, with all these people offering up their services, you'd almost think these two were already famous. Oh wait...

Posted by B-side on March 31, 2005 12:49 AM