The second hour began with Ray and Deana heading out to a nature preserve to feed some wild lions. I could just imagine Ray throwing some meat at the beasts and then immediately scolding them: "You have to eat the meet! This is your goal! If you fail to complete it, you will be a failure in life. Stop bitching and DO IT! DO IT DEANA!" Not sure why he'd call a lion, Deana, but I tend to think that would be his gut impulse. Unfortunately for Ray and his facially beleaguered partner Deana - a.k.a. Blinky the One Eyed Wonder - their huge lead evaporated in seconds as they discovered the park would not open until 8 AM. Wah wah wah. "This is an unacceptable setback. Our goals have been completely destroyed. I am presently in a state of annoyance," Ray said in my imagination. Seriously, you've got to love his pseudo-militaristic assessments of situations. Well, it wasn't a total loss for him and Deana. Turns out there would be two shuttles heading into the preserve to feed the lions. One at 8 AM and another 9 AM. So while Ray and Deana's lead may have been diminished, they at least snagged a spot on the early shuttle. Oh, who the hell cares? They suck.

Next to leave the Pit Stop was Ron and Kelly, who after the last hour, seemed to suddenly have vague semblances of personality. Better yet, Ron stopped relating every damn thing to Iraq. Hey, maybe this was a turning point. Maybe I could start to like him more. After all, I've been won over by the brothers. Well, moments after leaving the Pit Stop, lightning bolts streaked across the sky, causing Ron to comment: "That was just like bombing downtown Baghdad." RON. IT'S LIGHTNING! Have you never seen a thunderstorm? This is not a unique phenomenon. It's been around since, well, the beginning of Earth. If anything, the bombing in Baghdad is like lightening, not the other way around. I bet he Ron is a real broken record at fireworks displays: "Oh, that was like a bomb in Baghdad. So was that. That one too. Yup, 'nother bomb. Hey, that was loud too. Whoa! Now THAT was really similar! By the way, this ground we're standing on, it kind of reminds me of the ground in Iraq. You know, just in the way that it's under my feet and isn't considered the sky."

Third out the gate were Brian and Greg who kicked off this leg with some jovial humor. "Make your way home, give mom a great big hug, then eat all her chicken enchiladas until you enter a food coma," ad-libbed Brian as he read the first clue. Very clever, very clever. Kind of makes you wonder though just how farty that household smelled after the race. Anyway, this jokey intro led to the brothers telling us how they'd be there for each other if anything were to happen to one of them. Sad dread filled my chest cavity as I suddenly remembered that it would be the brothers would be crashing their vehicle. Uh oh. Would there be death or paralysis? Would they be eliminated? I was just starting to like these guys! The knot in my stomach (which was related to the sad dread in my chest cavity) tightened as Brian hit the curb with his car. "Am I sucking at driving!" he exclaimed, perhaps foreshadowing scary events later. Brian, you are sucking at driving! Stop! Stop!

Lynn and Alex left next and were soon followed by Rob and Amber who contemplated the sad state of the old folks. "Meredith and what's his name get no money," he said. What's his name? I assume he meant Gretchen. He does realize she's a woman, right? I mean, I know the head bandages obscure her face somewhat, but that's just ridiculous. Anyway, Rob complained about Lynn and Alex, and upon reaching the nature preserve, found their names written on the queue already. Rob pretended to erase the "L" off of Lynn's name, but then simply laughed like the rascal he is. Too bad, I'm sure everyone would have laughed and pointed fingers at the gay guys when they saw their names had been changed to "ynn and Alex." Wow Rob, it could have been so great.

Posted by B-side on April 1, 2005 12:30 AM