We shouldn't focus on the evil side of the race. Not everything was manipulation and squabbles. Uchenna and Joyce, for instance, were having a deservedly special experience in South Africa. Joyce explained how their marriage was rocky at the beginning of the race but now there seems to be hope. Huh? They were rocky? Wow. They are the stablest rocky people I have ever seen. Maybe they have really high standards for being "rocky". I wonder if they disagree over a movie if they consider themselves separated? If there's anything that can bring them together though (aside from a South African orphanage), it's the power of them to unite as the Voltron of terrible directional sense. Seriously, these two get lost every single episode. I mean, they could get lost just going through a McDonald's drivethrough. Heading to the nature preserve was no exception. In mere seconds, they seemed to be combing their maps, trying to figure out where the hell they were. And to think, this was a team that bragged about their knowledge of roadways on the first episode.

Nevertheless, all the teams arrived safe and sound at the Rhino and Lion Nature Preserve, and as everyone waited for the doors to open, Meredith and Gretchen went around and collected donations. Uchenna and Joyce were kind enough to donate some clothes to the plucky duo, and honestly, that shows a lot of character. Still, the two needed moolah, and so Gretchen loaded up a Borscht Belt comedy routine that would make even Jackie Mason proud: "We're starting a save the rhino fund, and that's no LION!" she said happily, causing everyone to laugh. I half expected to see Meredith on a drum set doing a rimshot. Seriously though, they should take their act to Vegas.

Almost everyone donated some money to the old people, but two teams conspicuously withheld. Surprise surprise -- Ray, Deana, Rob, and Amber kept their money to themselves. Rob explained that the old people were the biggest con around. Huh. Kind of like the way Rob keeps popping up on all these reality shows. Ray meanwhile called the elders the "sacrificial lambs" of the show, noting their need to be vanquished. I decided at that moment that regardless of whatever else happens on the show, the one thing I want is for Meredith and Gretchen to last longer than Ray and Deana.

Anyway, the first shuttle soon departed and teams began throwing giant chunks of meat at the lions. I don't know if it was just me, but man, I really wanted a steak. Ever the gentleman, Ron joked that if the lion "jumps on me Kelly, I'm throwing him you." He then added, "That sort of death and carnage would not be unlike the battlefields of Iraq."

After the first three teams finished their leonine feeding frenzy, they learned that they would be flying to Botswana and locating a giant aardvark, or "Arkvadark" as Rob said it. Now, I know that I erroneously busted Rob's balls for saying "Yohanessburg", but I'm pretty sure I'm right when I say that "Arkvadark" is NOT the correct pronunciation of "Aardvark". I mean, this was a Bolo level of butchering.

Anyway, everyone from the first shuttle arrived at the airport and snagged a flight leaving at noon. The last four teams, however, had some difficulty. Once they were done with the lions, everyone headed out to the airport, but for some odd reason, Meredith, Gretchen, Rob and Amber all followed Lynn and Alex who had no idea where they were going. The only ones who remembered the right way to go were... Uchenna and Joyce! What a comeback! Maybe their marriage IS getting better. I mean, they didn't even get lost!

Well, the meandering caravan of racers soon discovered they were going the wrong way, and based on a toll lady's advice, turned around on the highway. Everyone got back on the right track, but unfortunately, Lynn and Alex made a wrong turn again, and while the other two cars headed off to the airport, our gay duo headed deep into downtown Johannesburg. As expected, they found themselves in the dangerous inner city, an experience they equated to driving through Compton (remind me to tell the time I drove through Compton at 2 AM. Man, that was fun). I don't know why they were so scared. I mean, it's not like Johannesburg is known as the carjacking capital of the world. Oh wait...

Posted by B-side on April 1, 2005 12:30 AM