The episode began in India as Uchenna and a newly shaved (and better looking) Joyce emerged from the palatial Pit Stop from the last leg. First order of business: fly to Istanbul (resisting annoying 1992 urge to sing They Might Be Giants) and find a lighthouse called Kizkulesi. As they ran off into the night, Joyce chirped some spiritual mumbo jumbo about letting go and letting god -- I don't know. She's sweet, and I like her, but she needs to be funnier. The hair is a good start.

Next out of the gate was the dynamic alliance of Rob, Amber, Kelly, Ron, and introducing Sanju, the artist formerly known as Sanjay. Seriously, I thought Sanju was Sanjay. Nevertheless, the two teams quickly read their clues, although not before Ron and Kelly engaged in a little snipping over who gets to hold the paper. There's really nothing worse than bland people who bicker. Okay, maybe Hitler, but even that's a stretch.

Anyway, the unholy alliance between these two teams seemed to be working out well, but Rob reminded us that "when push comes to shove, we'll do what it takes to win." Oh really? I didn't realize you felt that way. You only say it EVERY SINGLE EPISODE! If it's any consolation though, Rob has lived up to his word. It's not like Patrick and Susan whose supposed devious ways got them cut after three episodes.

Once everyone had received their first clue, the next order of business was snagging some sweet ass plane tickets. Uchenna and Joyce showed some intelligence by locating a hotel to call ahead to a travel agency. It wasn't really necessary because there was a twenty-four hour office open down the street, but at least they were being resourceful for once. I felt instantly sorry for the poor travel agent as he not only looked exhausted, but now had to deal with reality stars cooing like pigeons (Gretchen), blaring loudly (Rob), and comparing the office to military barracks (Ron). Okay, Ron didn't do that, but you know that he was just dying to note how the "walls" in the room were like the "walls" in Baghdad. Uncanny!

So tired. So very, very tired.

As for Uchenna, he became the latest in a long list of racers to adopt some odd, one-size-fits-all accent that was intended to ease communication but really only sounded dumb. I don't know why so many people think that they'll be more understandable if they speak in short, clipped words minus essential articles like "a" and "the". The locals speak Hindi, not Caveman.

After some shuffling around and various taxi-rides, everyone managed to secure tickets to Istanbul via a layover in Delhi. Since the flights didn't leave until the next morning, everyone headed to a local hotel to get some shut-eye. "Home sweet home for the next eight hours," said Gretchen. Suddenly the action slowed to a near halt as the soundtrack frightened us with a massive "DUNH!!!" Uh oh! Would she and Meredith be oversleeping? Would they miss their plane? What pray tell would happen?

Actually, nothing happened. Had I not paused the Tivo to theorize about the oldsters' fates, I would have very quickly learned (literally - two seconds later) that they had woken up on time and were ready to face the day. Why the slo-mo of imminent disaster? Now the producers are just screwing with us. That's not very nice.

Meanwhile, as he and Ambah rode to the airport, Rob dismissively said, "I'm so over India." We then cut to Sanju standing behind a window, a single tear rolling down his cheek. "His words are like daggers in my fragile heart. I shall never know love again!" Sanju then placed his palm on the glass and wept for hours.

At the airport, the two alliances quickly huddled amongst themselves. Ever the trickster, Rob casually asked gullible Gretchen if she was on the earlier flight. The only thing was that there was no earlier flight. Rob completely made it up to mindf-ck his AARP rivals. Man, I really hate him, and yet I really love when he pulls this sort of shit. As can be expected, Gretchen immediately reported to Meredith and Joychenna that there was an earlier flight, and while Rob preened like a schoolyard bully, Uchenna found some local and made a few calls. Turns out there actually was another flight from Delhi to Istanbul, and even though there was a connection in Dubai, the teams would still arrive two hours earlier. What's this? A Rob lie coming back to bite him in the ass? We could only hope for such a turn of events. After all, whether you love him or hate him, there's really nothing more amusing than watching someone happily sit on his laurels and think he's in first place.

Posted by B-side on April 28, 2005 9:58 PM