Begging To Win - 
by B-side
Isn't it astounding how the Amazing Race finale can be so exciting season after season? Even after reading a spoiler about the outcome (grumble grumble), my heart was beating like crazy, especially during the final torturous moments when the fate of one team seemed to rest in one taxi driver's impetuous hands. And while it was exciting to see who'd come in first place, part of me simply wanted to know what sort of welcoming newlyweds Rob and Amber would receive. Needless to say, it was cold (and wonderful).
This two-hour marathon event started all the way back in foggy London Town where the three remaining teams huddled together in a pub and downed a few pints of ale. We only heard a snippet of dialogue, and sadly, we were deprived of Uchenna's new English accent. Still, I'm sure the deleted scenes would reveal him saying to the bartender, "Bloody good ale, this is! Might you pour me another one, good sir? Brilliant!"
Anyway, Rob and Amber were first to leave the Pit Stop and quickly learned they'd be flying to Kingston Jamaica and then cabbing it over to a place called "Frenchman's Cove." Don't know much about this Frenchman's Cove spot, but chances are it's smelly. Rimshot! Yes, a little French humor to kick start this recap. Hey, did you hear the one about the French guy in the cheese factory? ...Um, okay, I really don't know any good French jokes. Quel dommage!
With their new destination set, Rob and Amber moseyed on over to Heathrow to book their flights, but unfortunately, the good people at Air Jamaica weren't working at the counter, mon. And so Ramber sought out an internet kiosk, which was amusing only to hear Rob read "In-ter-net acc-cess." Dude, it's in English. You don't have to sound it out.
Showing up at the airport next were Ron and Kelly who also found themselves waiting for Air Jamaica to open up. With plenty of time to kill, Kelly decided now would be a great time to plan out her future with Ron. She explained that she was a quality woman, and if Ron doesn't see that, then he's going to miss out. Yes, imagine all the quality nagging and complaining and neediness he'll never get to experience again. For shame, Ron. And I thought being a POW made you appreciate the finer things!
Well, turns out being in the army gave Ron an intense aversion to authority and control, two things he feared from marriage. Listen Kelly, if your love reminds Ron of the military in a BAD way, well, maybe it's time to reexamine your relationship. Alas, such logic escaped the beauty queen as she sobbed to Ron: "Ahhh luv yooo!" She then spent the next fifteen minutes complaining about his fingernails.
The last team out of the gate was Uchenna and Joyce who reminded us how when the race started, they were quarreling all the time. "We've been looking at options that don't include being together," Uchenna said diplomatically, adding "You know, separation, divorce, murder. Whichever works."
Anyway, all three teams wound up on the same flight to Kingston, and upon arriving, Uchenna immediately waxed nostalgically. "We have a fun time coming to Jamaica on holiday," he said. He then added, "I did enjoy England ever so much, but all the lorries really made quite a racket. I could barely eat my Pimms and strawberries, even in the comfort of my flat - located on the second storey of course!"
Having less of a good time was Ron, who managed to direct his constant flow of passive aggression onto the entire country of Jamaica. "Ah, the smell of a third world country again," he said. No, Ron, that's just your girlfriend. ZING! Take THAT, Kelly! Meanwhile, the Jamaican Tourism Board has this message for Ron: "Thanks, dipshit."
Eventually, the three teams found Frenchman's Cove which was the home of the next Roadblock. One member of each duo had eight chances to limbo dance under a pole. The lower the pole, the sooner the team would get to leave the next morning (all three groups had to spend the night). As the three women all attacked the challenge, Rob happily encouraged his woman by what was supposed to be a show of support, but really felt more like loud barking. Rob Mariano: Most annoying limbo spectator EVER!
Somebody decapitated Joyce! MEDIC!Anyway, Kelly and Amber had no trouble bending backwards for the earliest departure time, but Joyce simply could not reach that one last rung. With one attempt left, Uchenna urged, "No more mistakes." Sorry, but is flexibility a mistake? I can just imagine Joyce snapping, "I'm not as young and limber as Kelly and Amber. Oops, my bad. Shouldn't have aged."
The next morning, teams had to make their way to the upper Rio Grande for their next clue. As he and Amber rode along in their cab, Rob mused about winning the big prize: "[We have a] 33% chance of making more money than most people make in a lifetime." AGAIN (just saying).
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