Well, teams more or less all arrived at the next clue at the same time (Uchenna and Joyce were fifteen minutes behind) and came upon this leg's Detour: Raft It or Build It. In the first option, teams had to take a traditional bamboo raft eight miles down a river, using only a pole to move them along. The second option had teams assembling one of those bamboo rafts, then crossing the Rio Grande with it, climbing up a hillside, and then retrieving the next clue. Unsurprisingly, everyone chose to build the rafts which meant we got to see about five or ten minutes of a MacGuyver-esque montage as teams hammered bamboo with rocks, tied wires, and grew mullets. Okay, maybe not the last one. Of course, the difference between this and MacGuyver (other than the noticeable lack of Richard Dean Anderson) was the presence of Kelly who bitched and moaned and complained like the Southern princess she is. Ron didn't make things better with his catty remarks and subtle put downs. You know, she may be the beauty queen, but Ron's the true bitch.

With Ron and Kelly facing a mild meltdown, Uchenna and Joyce were able to make up for lost time very quickly, causing Rob to fret a little bit. He was curt with Amber from time to time, but she simply smiled it off, joking that she'll do whatever makes him happy, but "After the race, you can make me happy." Oh AMBAH! Look at you! Little Miss Comedienne! Make that Little Miss Horny Comedienne!

The Ramber hijinks continued later as they crossed the river and climbed up the slippery slope to the clue. Upon returning to the raft, Amber slipped and fell butt-first onto the seat of the raft. Careful AMBAH!! How is Rob going to make you happy later if you're already pounding your ass now? Moments later, Rob had his own problems when he somehow lost his shoe in the river. "My sneakah! My sneakah!" he yelled, adding "I nevah lose my sneakah when I pahk the cahh in Hahhvahhd Yahhhd."

This kind of looks like Amber's getting impaled on a pole. Cool.

Anyway, Uchenna and Joyce finished the Detour first and learned that the next stop would be in Montego Bay where teams would find Phil and the mat. The two hopped in a cab with a driver named Mikey, and while they were in first place, their lead was dwindling with Ramber nipping at their heels. Rob told his driver Tyson (Mikey? Tyson? Where's that cabbie Evander and his good friend Holyfield?) to get on Uchenna and Joyce's tail, and for a moment, it looked like Tyson was going to pull some trickery by telling his cabbie friend to pull over for gas. Surely we expected that as soon as Mikey got out to pump some fuel, Tyson would peel out of there, but no! Mikey seemed to get a thimble's worth of gas before zooming away while Tyson chilled out, filled up the tank, maybe played the lotto.

Things went from bad to worse for Ramber as they were pulled over for a random police check. Wouldn't it be awesome if the officer just wanted an autograph? Finally, the fame comes back to bite them in the ass! Sadly, there were no such ironic twists in the adventure. It was just an average police checkpoint. However, even though Rob and Amber seemed to be indisposed for only five minutes or so, it was still enough time for Ron and Kelly to sneak into second place, infuriating our Boston man. Around this time, Kelly babbled about something, but I don't really remember what since I was distracted by what looked to be a stuffed elephant dangling and flapping outside her window. Good god! They've got Babar! And they're torturing him! WHY??? Oh the humanity!

Babar desperately tries to get Kelly's attention.

Anyway, stuck in last place, Rob knew his luck might be running out. He really needed a miracle, he said. Well ask and you shall receive. Moments later, Uchenna and Joyce were suddenly sidelined with a flat tire. That's awfully fishy timing. Okay, which CBS intern threw tacks on the road? CLEARLY this was a CBS conspiracy again!

Well, for this leg of the race Ron and Kelly came in first place, and surprise, they won no prize. Oddly enough, Ramber won a trip to Mexico for placing second. Okay, not really. "Uchenner" and Joyce arrived last, but of course, this was non-elimination which meant they had to hand over all their belongings. "Man, you guys got some money!" crowed Phil, his head filling with fantasies of a turtleneck shopping spree. Listen Koeghan, we're keeping an eye on you. They better get every last cent back, or else you're looking at a lifetime of mock turtlenecks! Think you can live with that? I DIDN'T THINK SO!

Anyway, when we returned from the commercial break, Phil reintroduced us to Jamaica, saying that the "rugged northwest coast of Jamaica" served as the latest Pit Stop on a race around the world. Did he just say "rugged"? Yes, that gentle breeze, the soothing waves, the swaying palm trees: pure hell, I tell you! (What are the odds that someone's going to leave a comment saying "Well, actually, the coast of Jamaica gets rather cold and choppy in the winter months, not to mention hurricane season!")

Posted by B-side on May 11, 2005 5:16 AM